weekend free-for-all – June 8-9, 2019

by Alison Green on June 8, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Ask again, Yes, by Mary Beth Keane. The saga of two very different neighboring families, and how they intersect in ways both tragic and loving.

my nurses while I’m sick

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Y’all, I am still sick and it’s awful. When I don’t have a horrific headache, I am queasy, and vice versa. And it’s affecting what I can read! The night this started, I was reading Homegoing, and it’s so dark and upsetting that it mixed horribly with illness and made me feel worse. So until I’m better, I’ve switched over to light reading only, and I need recommendations things that are light but still well-written and not overly fluffy. It needs to be like … light reading that might still be reviewed in a reasonably highbrow publication. Light reading for snobs? (Also, fiction but not genre fiction.) I finished Where’d You Go Bernadette today and that was perfect. Give me your recommendations!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Heroine’s Journey by Sarah Kuhn.

      Feel better soon! Kitties are great nurses.

    2. wittyrepartee*

      Do you do sci fi or fantasy? I’d go with The Rise and Fall of Dodo. It’s a fairly highbrow/well researched book about time travel and how organizations evolve as they grow.

      2. Lady Jay*

        Jasper Fforde’s Thursday Next might also be good! Funny, and you can feel pride yourself on catching all the classic literature (Shakespeare, Poe, Bronte, etc) literature references.

        2. Just need a door...*

          I second this! Thursday Next is my go-to when my brain needs a highbrow vacation.

        3. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

          Also a fan of Thursday Next! It’s a funny, quirky series (time travel and cloning both casually exist, without being the focus of the narrative at all) which is full of literary references but still makes sense if you haven’t read the literature it’s referring to.

      3. Overeducated*

        Oh yes! The Rise and Fall of Dodo was such a fun book. Maybe not snobby enough but a lot of fun ;)

      4. Karen from Finance*

        She said no genre fiction, but Ted Chiang is the master of sci do in my eyes. The man is a genius. But I don’t know if it constitutes light reading. Only in the sense that they’re short stories.

    3. Elenor*

      The shellseekers by Rosamunde Pilcher is good. It’s light but has enough to keep your attention. I hope you feel better soon.

    4. Sherm*

      Did you ever read Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman?

      Queasiness is the worst, take good care of yourself, and this too shall pass!

    5. MMB*

      Domestic Violets by Mathew Norman is light and hilarious. The Two Mrs. Grenvilles is a good Dominick Dunne classic.

      Being sick sucks. Hope you feel better soon.

    7. Kylie Carney*

      I like David Sedaris for a light, funny read. It’s humorous essays rather than a novel so great for short attention spans. Calypso is my favorite. Hope you’re on the mend soon

      1. ThatGirl*

        I enjoyed Calypso, but Me Talk Pretty One Day always makes me wheeze with laughter at points.

    8. Pam*

      The Perilous Life of Jade Yeo, by Zen Cho. It’s a novella. A young Malaysian woman has moved to 1920’s London to become a writer, and falls in with the Bloomsbury group.

    9. Lemonwhirl*

      Pretty much anything by Rainbow Rowell (if you don’t mind YA) but especially “Eleanor and Park” and “Attachments”.

    10. Ginger ale for all*

      I like books by Ruth Reichl when I am not too sure of what to read next but I just need a change up. Garlic and Sapphires was my last one of hers and it was enjoyable.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Have you ever read any Ann Cleeves – she writes mysteries that are set in the Shetland Islands.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          The audiobook is read by the actress who played Miss Pettigrew in the film. It is one of my all-time favorite audio books!

      2. A day at the zoo*

        I am re-reading Janes Herriot — he lived in the moment, had a sense of humor, loved animals and adored his family. Not a bad blueprint..,

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      This is a fun way to filter the books I’ve loved. I have another for you, this one a humorous parody of “cooking toutism” books.
      “Cooking with Fernley Branca”

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        Cooking with Fernet Branca! Yes! So very blackly funny. Just a hint of “smoked cat”…

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          The book went around my husband’s university department one summer…he bought a bottle out of curiosity and we both agreed to pass it along to the next reader! Vile stuff. We know it was originally medicinal and couldn’t find out what it was supposed to cure…but we suspect it would work fine as an appetite suppressant.

    13. Eleanor Shellstrop*

      Rahh Alison I didn’t mean to reply to your comment on this! I am so sorry

    14. L*

      A heating pack on the tummy is absolutely saving grace for nausea for me! Not sure why this works but it’s low risk to try. :) hope you feel better!

      1. Turtlewings*

        I’m not sure I’d call “Eleanor Oliphant” light, but I do absolutely recommend it generally!

    16. peanut*

      Life Among the Savages by Shirley Jackson. This is nonfiction, but reads like fiction. Shirley Jackson wrote The Lottery, a super creepy short story, and The Haunting of Hill House. Life Among the Savages is nothing like these!

      This is a bunch of stories about raising her children. I don’t have kids and I’m not really interested in how they are raised, but I loved this. It is absolutely hilarious. It is light, but because this is Shirley Jackson, also extremely well written. I’ve read this multiple times; that’s how much I’ve enjoyed it.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I *love* Life Among the Savages. Also its followup, Raising Demons. They are relentlessly hilarious.

      2. ProducerGalNYC*

        I read The Lottery at a very impressionable age, and it still haunts me. Even now, if I catch myself doing the dishes or making the bed before leaving for a trip, I get a little shiver thinking of the mom in that story. HAUNTED by that story.

    17. Rebecca*

      Oh, feel better soon! For me, queasy is the worst. When I’m hit with that malady, I take ginger capsules. At first, I was extremely skeptical, but after several days of being queasy due to taking antibiotics, they did the trick.

    18. anonagain*

      Maria Semple’s other book “Today will be different” is pretty good.
      I have in my head that you recommended “Modern Lovers” by Emma Straub here once. I just read The Vacationers which I didn’t like quite as much, but was still good.
      “Sweetness #9” by Stephan Eirik Clark
      “Calling Invisible Women” by Jeanne Ray, though I am not sure if this is overly fluffy.

    19. Cookie Monster*

      Absolutely check out Elinor Lipman. I’ve read “On Turpentine Lane” and “Good Riddance” and both were charming and funny but not too twee. I hope you feel better soon!

    20. Femme d'Afrique*

      When I need something light but intelligent (? Don’t judge; I’m a snob too ;) ) I read the Amelia Peabody series. The lead character is an unconventional Victorian archaeologist, who is a “confirmed spinster, suffragist, and scholar.” I really enjoy them!

      Hope you feel better soon, Alison.

      2. Jedi Librarian*

        This isn’t *exactly* the same but it reminds me of The Last Watchman of Old Cairo by Michael David Lukas. It ties together three stories of the first and most recent Watchman and two sisters in Victorian times looking for a scroll that the Watchman watches over. Maybe you’ll like it? I definitely want to give that series a try

        1. Femme d'Afrique*

          Thank you! I’m always looking for new books to try. I’m going to look for it now!

    21. Rosie M. Banks*

      You’ve read everything, so you’ve probably read P.G. Wodehouse. But if not, and if you are looking for comedy, his books are pretty hysterical. “The Inimitable Jeeves” is a good place to start. Hope you feel better soon!

        1. Elisanne*

          100% agree – PG Wodehouse is brilliant, amusing and impeccably well written. Just the job.

      2. NMFTG*

        Second Wodehouse.
        Would recommend the Blandings Castle ones, i.e. “Something Fresh” or anything with Uncle Fred.

      1. Nicki Name*

        Also seconded, even though it technically fails the “fiction but not genre fiction” test. The genre presence is extremely small.

    23. Just need a door...*

      Maybe a lighter classic, like Mary Stewart’s The Gabriel Hounds? I also use times when I feel sick to re-read things I’ve loved. You can revisit an old friend, without giving it your full concentration. I might reach for some David Sedaris.

    24. it happens*

      So sorry. Jorge Amado’s Doña Flor and Her Two Husbands is light, but thought-provoking. It’s set in Salvador de Bahia, Brazil- the only warning is that I do remember a lot of writing about food, that sounded very tasty, but might not be so great when feeling queasy.

    25. SpellingBee*

      I really enjoyed What Alice Forgot, by Liane Moriarty, which I read on the recommendation of a friend. I haven’t read any of her others so can’t speak to them. The Thursday Next series that Lady Jay mentioned is excellent! Oh, and A Gentleman From Moscow, which I absolutely loved, although I think you may have read that one already.

      I’m not sick but am feeling a little down this weekend, so I’m taking copious notes of everyone’s recommendations.

    26. Amber Rose*

      Happiness by Will Ferguson. It’s a fictional satire on self help books. Pretty silly but also thoughtful and interesting.

    27. Adele*

      You have probably read them, but any of the Lucia and Mapp novels by EF Benson. They are perfect books and make me laugh even after reading them repeatedly for 30 years.

      Also anything by Barbara Pym. Avoid the later novels. They are wonderful but much darker. A very early work, Compton Hodnet, is a delight.

      These are my comfort reads.

      1. londonedit*

        I was literally coming here to say exactly the same thing. I love Barbara Pym in particular! Excellent Women is one of my favourites.

    28. Chalk*

      Can webcomics count if they have a distinct plot and touch on interesting subject matter? Because I always swear by Digger, by Ursula Vernon.

    30. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I just finished Red, White and Royal Blue last night, and it was a genuine delight. It’s a novel about the son of the first female president of the US falling in love with the prince of England, and it’s laugh-out-loud hilarious, incredibly well thought-out, and in general a feel good book.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Red, White and Royal Blue sounds great, SpiderLadyCEO; I just ordered a copy! And I’ll recommend Steve Kluger, whose works include Last Days of Summer, Almost Like Being in Love, and My Most Excellent Year; the last one’s a YA book but they’re all great fun, done in the form of letters, emails, journal entries, news items, etc.

      2. Kate Daniels*

        Second this recommendation! Favorite book I’ve read this year so far. The audiobook is also terrific.

    31. Ethyl*

      I’d go with Christopher Moore — either Fluke or Fool, or The Love Lizard of Melancholy Cove. They’re funny, clever, well-written, and surprising.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        Patrick Dennis, a bit dated, but I recommend The Joyous Season which takes on the myth of the “chic child” and Little Me, a faked biography of a movie star.
        Also the short stories of Saki

    32. Aphrodite*

      If you like well written and historically-based mysteries, try Anne Perry’s Thomas Pitt and William Monk series. Though both wear themselves out eventually, the first seven or eight in each series are outstanding The Pitt series begins in the 1880s, and the Monk series (my favorite) begins in 1856.

    33. Swingbattabatta*

      I deeply love Laurie King’s Mary Russell series. It’s a retelling of Sherlock Holmes, but in such a new and not cliched way, told from the point of view of a genius young woman. The books are beautifully written, the stories are gorgeously detailed and incredibly engrossing, and they are at the same time easy reads and really stimulating. The first 8 (I think) are the best- Beekeeper’s Apprentice to Locked Rooms.

    34. Falling Diphthong*

      The Daughter of Time by Josephine Tey, in which a fictional detective stuck in traction gets interested in solving the murders blamed on Richard III.

      1. NMFTG*

        Agree! That’s a lovely book. And it’s so fun to go the National Portrait Gallery and see the line-up. :D

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        Also the newer mysteries by Nicola Upson which have as their protagonist the author Josephine Tey. Beautifully written with a true feel for the time period and bringing in such luminaries as Alfred Hitchcock, M.R. James and John Gielgud

    35. Forrest Rhodes*

      Hope you’re well soon, Alison; from the photo it appears that you have an efficient feline therapy team on hand.
      About books: Absolutely agree about Wodehouse and Amelia Peabody. You might also like Joan Hess’ Maggody/Arly Hanks series. A divorce has caused Arly to leave her sophisticated Manhattan life and return to her home town of Maggody, Ark., population maybe 400?, where she finds herself elected sheriff. At some point in every one of these books I find myself laughing out loud. Reading them in order is not required, but you might want to start with the first one, Malice in Maggody.
      Happy reading and good health to you.

    36. Anoncorporate*

      Jane Austen tends to be no stress reading material for me (I’m one of those people who rereads my favorite books from childhood.).

    37. Kathenus*

      This may not meet your criterion for the highbrow review capability, but I love going back to some of the wonderful young adult/child fiction – especially things like The Wrinkle in Time series and Madeleine L’Engle’s other works, and anything by S.E. Hinton. Easy reads, especially as an adult, but complex characters and exceptionally well-written.

    38. Not A Manager*

      I’m in the middle of a novel called Less, by Andrew Sean Greer. I can’t remember if I got it off your recommendations list, though! Inexplicably, it won a Pulitzer Prize, so that’s it’s highbrow cred. I’m enjoying it but actually find it pretty light and fluffy. There are some very nice turns of phrase, but honestly I have no idea why it won any prizes.

      I had been thinking of posting here and asking people if they’ve read it and what they think.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes, I recommended Less here! I really liked it, although I agree with you that I wouldn’t have figured it was a shoo-in for the Pulitzer. But I often find that about Pulitzer nominees — which is okay with me, since it still points me to some really good books, and I will happily read them.

    40. JediSquirrel*

      About A Boy by Nick Hornby. The characters are endearing and while it can go darkish at times, it’s full of humor and warmth, and has a happy ending, to boot. (The movie was terrible, though.)

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes, I love Nick Hornby! I actually got excited last night to see he has a new book out (State of the Union) but it turns out it is QUITE short and not what I wanted.

    41. fposte*

      Hilary McKay is a brilliant writer for young people. The Casson family chronicles, starting with Saffy’s Angel, are wonderful, but for sickness reading I’d recommend The Exiles–it’s kind of if Little Women had been written by Amy Poehler and Tina Fey and they were English.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Seriously, it’s like your are my personal RA librarian. So right about McKay.

        1. fposte*

          I think I want to be buried with Permanent Rose. One of the loveliest books ever.

    42. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      Aww, just wanted to tell you to feel better soon! Illness at the start of summer sucks!

    43. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t have any recommendations, Alison, but I hope you feel better soon.

    44. Public Sector Manager*

      I’m not a big comic book fan, but “The League of Regrettable Superheroes” by Jon Morris is a great look at not so great superheroes.

    46. Emily*

      This might bump up against the genre fiction requirement, but it’s a weird example so I’ll include it and you can disregard if it’s not what you want: To Say Nothing of the Dog, by Connie Willis, is a fairly silly book about time-traveling historians trying to return a cat to its owner in Victorian England before they cause a time incongruity.

      1. SpellingBee*

        Oh, oh, I love (most of) Connie Willis – she lost me a bit with Passages, but her latest book, Crosstalk, is much lighter and is very fun.

        1. Emily*

          I really liked Passage, but I can see how it might not be for everyone! I obviously wouldn’t recommend it (or Doomsday Book, the other Connie Willis book I’ve read) as a light read, though.

      2. Blue Horizon*

        I’d agree with this one. As you might guess from the title, it’s a homage to ‘Three Men In A Boat’ and has very similar central plot thread (to the extent that ‘Three Men In A Boat’ can be said to have a plot at all).

        It’s like a lot of Connie Willis in that she creates a number of idiosyncratic and dysfunctional characters and bounces them off each other for effect. In this one she’s doing it for comedy and light entertainment, rather than drama, and it works very well.

    47. Nervous Nellie*

      I am so sorry that you are feeling unwell. Yes, light reading & rest! I suggest Nightingale Wood by Stella Gibbons, a lively fairy-tale like story about a woman forced by circumstance to live with dreadful relatives. A local charity ball offers a pleasurable night, and maybe a handsome prince-like guy. Sound familiar? There’s plenty in in that’s not, and it’s a sweet romp from the 1930s that may cheer you up a bit. Get well soon!!!!

    48. Llellayena*

      Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin
      The Dressmaker of Khair Khana by Gayle Tzemach Lemmon

      Real life stories, generally kind-of feel-good, though the second is set in an Al-Kaida (sp?) operated area so not sure if it would be ‘dark’ to you.

      Most of my light reading is teen fantasy, so not what you’re looking for. Maybe short stories? There are probably some “best of” collections out there.

    49. PhyllisB*

      I just finished one you might like. It’s titled The Frosting on the Cupcake by Jennifer Ross. It’s not heavy, but it has a good story. First chapter I was like, hmm..but it got more interesting. Plus, it’s got recipes for the most delicious sounding cupcakes!! It made me want to head to the kitchen. Gonna have to check it out again and get some of the recipes.

    50. PhyllisB*

      This is not “light” but not super heavy, either. I am now reading The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek by Kim Michele Richardson. It’s fiction, but based on fact. It’s about a librarian in Kentucky who brings books to the mountain people via mule. She is also one of the Blue People of Kentucky. I had never read anything about them before, so I find this fascinating. Google it. You won’t believe it.

    51. CrazyPlantLady*

      The Storied Life of AJ Fikry would fit the bill perfectly, if you haven’t already read it. It’s probably the most charming book I’ve ever read. And I read the whole thing over a few nights of being up in the middle of the night with jet lag when I really couldn’t handle anything heavy. Also, The One in a Million Boy by Monica Wood is great and reasonably light. I’d put it in the same category as Elinor Oliphant is Completely Fine. A few others: Severance by Ling Ma (literary post-apocalyptic satire – think Station’s Eleven crossed with Where’d You Go Bernadette), Be Frank With Me by Julia Claiborne Johnson, Before We Visit the Goddess by Chita Banerjee Divakaruni, Kitchens of the Great Midwest by J. Ryan Stradal, and the Sleepwalker’s Guide to Dancing by Mira Jacob (her newest book is getting a ton of buzz right now).

    52. ADHDAnon*

      Let’s Pretend this Never Happened and Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson? She’s amazing and hilarious and quirky and weird. She writes a lot about her own mental health, but it’s not dark and she has an incredible talent for being able to describe some pretty universal but not talked about worries and issues.

    53. Cafe au Lait*

      My best friend published her first novel! Tag line: Why do the well adjusted get all the happy ending?

      “How to Stay” by Christina Mitchell

    54. PB*

      Another recommendation: Cinnamon and Gunpowder by Eli Brown. The protagonist is the chef for Lord Ramsey. On the night of a dinner party, the dreaded pirate Hannah Mabbott breaks into the party, murders Ramsey, and sits down to eat his dinner. After declaring the chef’s consume the best she’s ever tasted, she order her men to kidnap the chef and bring him back to her ship. It’s historical fiction with a large dose of culinary history mixed with adventure on the high seas, and is a lot of fun.

    57. Michaela Westen*

      Sorry I just saw this. I hope you’re feeling better!
      I used to love reading P.G. Wodehouse’s novels and short stories. The characters are fun and funny and the stories cute. I don’t have time to read now and I miss them.
      In addition to the famous Jeeves and Wooster, the Blandings Castle stories are also excellent, and the ones with lesser-known characters are good too!
      I used to read them in bed to fall asleep.

    58. Blue Horizon*

      I just thought of Italo Calvino, who meets all your criteria. I liked Cosmicomics in particular, but he’s written a lot of others.

      I will warn that he is fond of run-on sentences and complex philosophical constructs, so some of his work may not do your headache much good (but you did ask for literary). On the other hand you get the sense that it’s all a bit of fun for him, and his air castles are mostly just intended to look pretty, so you can pick and choose as you see fit.

  2. Ask a Manager* Post author

    If you have any tricks to combat queasiness, please let me know those too! Pepto hasn’t worked. My doctor prescribed an anti-nausea drug, but it says it can cause headaches and I can’t bring myself to risk it since my head is already so awful. (This is queasiness without actual throwing up.)

    1. OG Karyn*

      Try peppermint tea. My ex ate a spicy chicken sandwich that he knew was too spicy and yet ate it anyway because he’s an idiot, and the next day I made him peppermint tea. If you want it iced, double steep it. Sometimes magnesium helps too. Feel better!!!

      1. Lena Clare*

        It’s definitely a trial and error thing! I find peppermint tea makes my nausea worse but something bland like a piece of white bread with some water helps calm me.
        Also fresh ginger.

        Alison, if your Greek salad helped, you could try a water with a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in. And keeping cool might help too. I hope you feel better soon!

        I love romance books, so anything by Zoe Chant or T S Joyce is great for complete switching off, but I think you’re not a fan of romance?

          1. Ada*

            The trick with saltines is to let them linger in your mouth so your mouth gets dry.

            It’s a neat little body hack. Your mouth will create extra saliva when you’re nauseated to protect your teeth from stomach acid when you vomit. If it senses the saliva isn’t there, it shuts off the signal to throw up. But this only works before you’ve thrown up the first time – so you’re actual in the perfect position for this to work right now.

            Hope you feel better soon!

        2. Alice*

          The ginger can be hot or cold. Cold ginger tea is very soothing for me, but try to add the honey when it’s hot.

          1. Adele*

            Thirding ginger tea, especially made with fresh ginger. Also gin-gin soft candies. Cola syrup from the drugstore also helps.

      2. Hatch Green Chile*

        “My ex ate a spicy chicken sandwich that he knew was too spicy and yet ate it anyway because he’s an idiot, ”

        I hope this isn’t derailing too much, this isn’t a particularly kind thing to say. If you eat something, you (not others, even those you’re dating) get to decide whether it’s too spicy, and certainly that’s not the kind of thing that makes you an “idiot.”

        2. OG Karyn*

          If you knew what my ex pulled with me, you’d know that a) there are other reasons he’s an idiot, and b) I don’t really care about whether or not I’m particularly kind to him. Also, if you know a thing is too spicy WHILE you’re eating it and then continue to eat it knowing you’ll get sick… then what are you?

          1. No bland European food.*

            This is full of awful ethnic prejudice. Do you think that Thai, Mexican, southern Indian, Ethiopian, and other cultures with spicy food are sick all the time? Spicy food in fact can help congestion by clearing your sinuses.

              1. OG Karyn*

                I know you said to leave it there but I just wanted to let you know you are correct, Alison. I meant that HE said that the sandwich was too spicy for HIM to be eating.

        3. Jules the First*

          On some people. . . Chamomile tea makes my nausea worse. I go for apple juice diluted 1:4 with water.

    2. HannahS*

      Sometimes I find that tums help, even though I’m queasy and not feeling heartburn. For nasty headaches, even if they aren’t full on migraines, I rely on naproxen. Other things that help me when I’m nauseated and headachy are wearing the loosest pyjamas (nothing tight over the abdomen) and lying down. And shutting my eyes.

    3. JenRN*

      Ginger. Any type. Ginger candy ginger root tea. Candied ginger root. Ginger ale (flattened a bit).

      Also whatever the trade name for diphenhydramine is in the US (Gravol in Canada… Dramamine?). Many speculate it really works because it makes you sleepy… regardless, it works for many.

      And obviously being really easy on your stomach: rice, boiled chicken if *need* meat, bananas if constipation and dehydration aren’t an issue (dehydration and the potassium in bananas being constipating, not a good thing), apple sauce, dry toast, dry heavily processed cereals like Cheerios. Lots of water, herbal teas. Avoid milk and acidic foods. Popsicles make a nice treat, home made so less sugar.

      Good luck. Queasy is the worst.

      1. Liane*

        Benedryl is the US brand name for diphenhydramine. I find the generic (Store brands) just as effective.

      2. Always science-ing*

        Second the ginger. If you don’t want the ginger taste, or just want something stronger, ginger capsules are great.

      3. Melody Pond*

        Thirding the ginger! I particularly find that a high-end ginger beer (i.e., something you’d use as a quality mixer in a nice cocktail) that’s relatively low in sugar but super high in the ginger, will tend to fix most of my queasiness. I’ll see if I can find the link to the kind I usually buy – maybe your spousal unit could locate something similar for you?

        So sorry you feel so sick, Alison! :(

        1. Melody Pond*

          Aha, I found it on Amazon!

          https://smile.amazon.com/Drinks-Ginger-Spectacular-Premium-Bottle/dp/B071X95Z66/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=spectacular%2Bginger%2Bbeer&qid=1559977977&s=grocery&sr=1-4&th=1

          It’s marketed as a mixer – and it is VERY ginger-y spicy. But I swear by it – I keep some on hand in our fridge literally just for nausea/queasiness emergencies. It’s not super sweet, and it has a lot of fizziness and ginger. The ginger and the fizziness together really help settle my stomach when I sip on it slowly – it causes a burping reaction, and I always feel so much better afterwards.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Q brand is also super spicy and gingery and only very faintly sweet, and Reed’s Extra Ginger — my favorite — is sweeter, but sweetened with pineapple juice so not syrupy.

      4. peanut*

        Another vote for ginger. I go with Stash brand lemon ginger tea every time my stomach feels wobbly.

        1. Sled dog mama*

          The Stash Lemon ginger is awesome and at least to me isn’t in your face ginger but it works

      5. Rebecca*

        Seconding ginger, I take ginger capsules, they work really good for me! I suggested that above, then saw this…hey, it’s early and Saturday and only 1/2 cup of coffee so far :) :)

      6. Overeducated*

        Yes. Sucking on candied ginger helps. I also like “tea” that’s fresh grated ginger, honey, lemon juice, and hot water, as it feels like “sick food” and helps your throat and stomach.

        Alison, i hope you feel better, this sounds terrible!

      7. Nicki Name*

        Ginger ale for sure, as long as it has actual ginger (some don’t). If you have a Rocket Fizz nearby, or a hipster soda section in the local grocery store, you can usually find some with real ginger there, if you can’t find it in the regular soda section.

      8. Public Sector Manager*

        Sea-Band has an anti-nausea ginger gum that really works well for me.

    4. Liane*

      1) Ginger ale, if you drink soda. I drink a lot of ginger ale when I have migraines*. Non-diet is best, and go with a major brand like Canada Dry, not a store brand. I don’t know if any of the name brands still have ginger in them, but I find the store brands don’t help as much.
      *for me, nausea is the first & worst symptom
      2) Haven’t had it in years but my dad swore by a mixture of Coca-cola and milk, which he said one of his doctors had recommended. I know it sounds terrible, but it’s one of those things that tastes way better than it sounds.

      I hope you feel better soon.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We keep a 6pack of “medical grade” ginger ale from Whole Foods–it’s made with sugar not corn syrup and uses real ginger. I find it works so much better than the “big brands”.
        (Yes we drink it and replace it every few months so it isn’t flat.)

      2. Lilysparrow*

        If you have Vernors locally, it has real Ginger and is very good. It’s available in some areas of the US but not everywhere.

    6. Kuododi*

      Ouch!!! Queasy is horrible!!! My GI specialist has me on Ranitidine (generic Zantac) 2x/day. That and Zofran as needed and my stomach finally feels good to the point I can even tolerate small amount of spicy food. I’ve not found either one to have a bunch of side effects. (Zofran does aggravate constipation however that’s why God invented Miralax). I also keep that cheap tacky Ramen noodle that all college students are familiar. That and/or won ton soup are both things I can tolerate when stomach is a problem. As always, push fluids and get well soon. Best wishes.

    7. Flash Bristow*

      Yikes. I spent the last 24 hours throwing up, so sympathies. I just stay in bed with Window open… being cool helps, also avoiding any strong smells so if you can avoid fridge runs etc that’s good too.

      What’s the anti-nausea drug? I’ve tried so many! Ondansetron works for me with no side effects, it’s what is often given to chemo patients (though I have a different cause).

      Good luck, so sorry you’re sick, hope it’s not too bad riding it out and you’re soon back feeling back to your usual self.

      1. Kuododi*

        Ondansetron is generic Zofran. I was put on it after developing gnarly reactions to other anti nausea meds. Your correct it was originally developed for chemo patients and also for pregnant women with hardcore nausea/vomiting. (I learned that bit of trivia while fighting insurance to get the darn stuff covered.). Bottom line, is would have been simpler and less painful to beat my head into a wall for about 20 minutes.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes, it’s ondansetron! Kuododi, am I correctly reading your last line to mean it did give you the headache warned about? (If so, I am feeling good about not taking it!)

        Weirdly, I just ate a highly vinegar-y Greek salad (the opposite of what I should be eating but it was the only thing that appealed to me), after eating almost nothing all day, and I am less queasy than before.

        1. Ewesername*

          Root beer. Specifically, A&W. I think it has a higher vanilla content than the others, but I find it works for some reason.
          Feel better soon!

        2. Julia*

          I remember a period of pronounced queasiness a few years ago (as in several months of me finding any food revolting, even chocolate) and it seems as if the longer I go without food, the queasier I get, maybe from the hunger, but the less inclined I am to eat.
          The last time I had a queasy week, I ate crackers with mild hummus and drank ginger ale and protein shakes to fill my stomach a little, and I got over it much more quickly than before.
          Could you nibble on a cucumber or something to test the waters?

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Yep – not even specific to nausea, but my husband has this super irritating habit of ignoring the fact that he’s hungry and needs to eat until he’s so hungry that the idea of food makes him queasy. (So annoying to listen to the grumbling at that point. :-P Buddy, you did this to yourself.)

          2. TechWorker*

            +1 that sometimes eating even when you really don’t feel like it can help. I find if I avoid eating through nausea then my blood sugar drops and I feel even worse. Reckon the ‘best’ thing to eat is whatever you can contemplate/that feels appealing. Sometimes this is toast and milk for me.

          3. Lilysparrow*

            Yes, low blood sugar levels can cause queasiness, as can dehydration. Which is why it’s so easy to get caught in a downward cycle.

        3. Kuododi*

          Oh…woops!!! That’s what I get for responding at 1:30ish am. No, I actually don’t have headaches with the Ondansetron…the reference to beating my head against the wall was regarding my having to fight insurance to cover the cost of the medicine. BLECH!!! I actually find Ondansetron to be quite free of side effects. ( Only have minor constipation…NBD). Be well soon!!!

          1. Washi*

            Same! I once got gastro the day before my husband and I needed to make a 9 hour drive. I spent the whole night before throwing up constantly, finally went to the ER to get some fluids, and then was given a prescription for Zofran. It was truly a miracle – made it through the whole car ride with no vomiting or headaches. And I am prone to car sickness and headaches!

        4. DrTheLiz*

          The vinegar will have dropped your stomach pH, which is usually good. I relatively often find my stomach pH is too high (not acidic enough, leaves me feeling odd/queasy) and drinking a bit of lemon juice in water helps immensely.

        5. fposte*

          I’ve taken ondansetron frequently and never had a headache. That doesn’t mean a guarantee, of course.

          I totally get the salad thing–when I’m nauseated I lean toward sharper flavors, as bland stuff can feel weirdly muddy.

        6. Bibliovore*

          Sorry about how your feeling. For me, that puking feeling. Peppermint and ginger tea with a little honey poured over ice. Overdone white toast or saltines.
          Anti nausea meds did make me sicker.
          There are nuun tablets the dissolve in water ginger lemon that contain electrolytes and caffeine. These have help me in the past especially if the queezy has a headache component,

          For light reading Lisa Lutz, The spellman files. Start at the first one.
          For really light reading Terry Pratchett The Wee Free Men

          For listening and so awful that you can’t read, West Wing Weekly.
          For feeling so awful that you can’t read AND feeling sorry for yourself and you think this will never end.
          On Being with Krista Tippett

        7. hermit crab*

          Zoltan always gives me a headache, but it’s like a very specific type of headache that somehow doesn’t bother me very much? It’s hard to describe. Maybe it’s just that the relief from not being nauseated is so strong that I don’t mind (or maybe I’ve come to associate it with “yay, meds are kicking in!”). Anyway, that’s my experience. Feel better soon!

        8. LMs 2 cents*

          Raw potato is something I read about for pregnancy nausea.

          Have not tried it myself, but if you already have potatoes at home, might be worth a try. And if you do, let us know if it works.

          1. Tango Foxtrot*

            It worked for me! I had no idea it was a common thing; I just followed my cravings

        9. Natalie*

          If anything sounds appealing, go for it!

          Sometimes your body knows what it needs and you’ll find yourself craving a specific food that has some particular ingredient. You mostly hear about it during pregnancy, but it actually happens to people whenever their bodies need something, especially during illness.

          Hope you feel better!

    8. Silver Fig*

      I am unfortunately very good at nausea. Chronic migraine FTW.

      Keep the house cooler than you’re normally comfortable with, and have air lightly blowing on you steadily, but NOT intermittently (no oscillating fans).

      Texture sensitivity is a thing, so avoid material with a lot of “feel” like fleece or wool. A satin pillow case stuck in the freezer for a few minutes is heaven.

      Dipping your hands in icy water helps.

      Keep your hair secured lightly back, not tight enough to pull, but well enough that the strands won’t brush across your skin.

      I tend to focus on patterns when I feel nauseated, possibly synching with the rise and fall of the queasiness. I need to avoid anything repetitive like popular music because it makes me focus on that cycle. A good substitute is a rain/thunderstorm track on YouTube.

    9. WS*

      I’ve taken ondansetron for migraine-related nausea for a few years now and it’s never given me the headache reaction. I can see why you’re wary, but if the nausea gets really bad, do try it. It’s extremely effective.

    10. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Second the Zofran/generic. (Had it on hand from hubs chemo). They make 2 versions – one dissolves, so if you can’t keep down the regular pill, the dis-solvable one is great. Enabled sick stepson to actually be helped to his own home and to his own bed (bad shellfish at lunch, stopped by house and I was afraid he was going to spend the night sleeping on my bathroom floor huddled in a quilt, after the food poisoning hit him). Zofran did not help when I had the worst of the flu, but “that” was enlightening to the doctor.
      Dry toast. Saltine crackers. Sometimes something in your stomach, really helps.

    11. matcha123*

      I don’t get nauseous that often when I get sick, but the times I do my go-to is room temp Vernors. Just small sips. And small bites of saltine crackers. Also avoiding anything with a strong scent. And strangely for me, Haribo gummy bears really calm my stomach.

    12. Kimmybear*

      As others have mentioned, mint or ginger. When I had morning sickness, I couldn’t stand mint so my doctor recommended going to the Asian market and buying ginger candies to suck on. Ginger ale/ginger beer with real ginger also works.

      1. mystiknitter*

        Prince of Peace brand Instant Ginger Tea (there’s a lemon version too, both are excellent hot or cold) and Prince of Peace or Ginger People brand ginger chewy candies, candied ginger and Sea Bands got me through nausea from chemo and radiation. Candy cane pieces, peppermint hard candies and Simple brand ginger gum are also in my bag of tricks. Still use all of these things today, always have them on hand.

    13. Ginger ale for all*

      I like ginger ale as well but Gatorade is pretty helpful too. I also think Chicken in a Bisket brand of crackers are helpful along with a cool dark room with the radio playing low. Bonine or Dramamine are helpful for me but I have Menieres that tends to kick in when I take certain medications. Dramamine has a ginger version that didn’t help me much with my bppv, but it might help you with your condition. Best wishes.

      1. Ginger ale for all*

        Sometimes one of those drinkable ‘meal replacements’ like Slimfast, Glucerna, Ensure, etc. are good when you have several days of queasiness.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Eat things that are easy to digest. One of my go-to things is wonton soup…drink the broth until I’m ready to nibble on the wonton wrapper, and save the filling until my migraine passes and I’m suddenly ravenous. (Warn the others who use your fridge if you put it back half eaten.) Pho is another good one, if you have a way to get it…we do a ‘faux pho’ with boxed beef broth, ginger, hoisin sauce, and ramen noodles (no spice pack).

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Ah thanks, I’m too new to know that. At least the faux pho would work with vegetable broth.

    15. L*

      Sorry I commented this on the wrong thread, but just in case you don’t see it there, a heating pad on the tummy is the best thing that helps me. Hope it passes quickly!

    17. Lcsa99*

      I am so sorry you’re feeling sl blah! The only thing I can recomend is to make sure you’re staying hydrated. Its hard when you’re queasy cause you don’t want to put anything in your stomach but it helps.

    18. Ranon*

      I always get myself in trouble by not eating/ drinking and then winding up with dehydration/ low blood sugar headaches, so light snacks and hydration, especially if you’re keeping food down, really can help.

      You can also self stimulate the pressure points that sea bands hit which might get you enough relief to have that snack, the points to press are relatively easily web searchable although you may have to play with the exact spot a bit.

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        Bitters + soda water for queasy stomach. Pedialyte to help fight dehydration.

      2. A day at the zoo*

        Watermelon — I lived on it through three pregnancies where I puked from the day I was pregnant until the delivery room. It is easy on the stomach and full of water.

    19. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If your med is Zofran or ondansetron, that stuff works really well and has few side effects.

      Scopolamine patches (like for seasickness) work for 3 days but take a couple hours to kick in.

      1. Lobsterman*

        Zofran will slow your digestion, so don’t overdo it or the backing up is unpleasant

        1. Not a cat*

          I’ve got chronic, monthly barf-migraines. Zofran was no help so my doctor was stumped. I use a combo of a strong Sativa and Emesyl (nasal spray for nausea). This combo almost always takes me from a 10 to a 3.

    20. PhyllisB*

      Lemon worked for me when I was having pregnancy queasiness. Lemon wedges, or hard lemon candies. Also ginger is great for this. If you can find (or get your husband to find) hard ginger candies, these are great. Also ginger tea. Peppermint tea doesn’t really work for me, but the smell of mint helps with headaches sometimes.

    21. Pharmgirl*

      If you’re wary of the Zofran, I like meclizine (the non-drowsy Dramamine) for an OTC option. Ginger or peppermint can help too, but also flat-ish Coca-Cola too.

      Also, just an FYI that nsaids like ibuprofen or naproxen on an empty stomach can worsen the nausea, so make sure you’re taking those with at least a small snack, or maybe try Tylenol instead.

    22. Jane*

      Ginger tea has always worked better for me than any medicine. You can make it with fresh ginger or just buy a box of tea at the store (I prefer ginger lemon because it tastes better than plain ginger). I hope you feel better soon!

    23. The Messy Headed Momma*

      Advice a nurse once gave me – she used it on the boys at the boarding school where we worked & SWORE by it –
      Make Jello up to the point BEFORE you add the cold water – the point where it’s still warm & thick & drink that. She said the gelatin coats your stomach & calms it down.
      I hope you feel better, however you get there!

    25. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Uncrystallized Candied ginger!
      I tried cinnamon gum and at times zofran but candied ginger from Trader Joe’s is amazing.
      Also: diet ginger ale, and water crackers/crunchy Trader Joe’s peanut butter. Frozen banana slices.

    26. Chalk*

      Ginger ale, something simple to eat like saltines. Green tea. Those are my usual go-tos.

    27. Ali G*

      What you are describing is exactly what happens to me when I have a migraine (the alternating horrible headache and queasiness w/o vomit). Ironically, the only thing that works for me is to stuff my face with anything and everything.
      Hope you feel better soon!

      1. Lobsterman*

        I also get migraines and had the same thought. There are migraine meds that are very effective nowadays

    28. Angwyshaunce*

      I will admit that, when I feel sick, I spend a lot of time playing Nintendo. Focusing on something easy and external distracts me from feeling the symptoms.

    29. HamlindigoBlue*

      For me, sea bands take the edge off of the queasiness. I didn’t realize how much they were working until I took them off. It wasn’t not a 100% cure, but it helped me.

      1. nnn*

        That’s what I came to suggest. I find them particularly useful because, unlike so many remedies for queasiness, you don’t have to ingest anything.

    31. StarHunter*

      Warm, flat Coke. You can also buy Coke syrup at the pharmacy (at least you could some years ago). It gets poured over ice. Only thing that helped me during a week long stomach virus. Feel better!

    32. MissDisplaced*

      I recently had surgery and because the anesthesia makes me sick, they put an anti-nausea medication patch on my neck.
      Not sure of the name of it.

    33. Mimmy*

      Oh Alison that sounds positively miserable! Does the doctor have an idea of what might be going on? Feel better!!

      I occasionally get a little queasy myself, so I may be trying some of the tips in this thread!

    34. Wishing You Well*

      Try sucking on ice chips (letting them melt in your mouth) and/or a C-band ( stretchy bracelet that puts pressure on the inside of your wrist). There’s an acupressure spot there. Whatever you try, I really hope you get relief soon!

    35. MatKnifeNinja*

      If it’s Zofran, TAKE IT.

      It can make you slightly sleepy.

      Nausea>headache.

      I can take Tylenol for a headache. Never got a headache talking Zofran.

    36. Falling Diphthong*

      Sea bands. Your husband should be able to find some at a drug store. I find they dial my nausea down a couple of notches–so if I’d be mildly seasick it’s gone, if I’d be medium seasick it’s mild. Used by a lot of pregnant women to dial down constant unproductive queasiness.

    37. Anoncorporate*

      The last time I kept throwing up, I took Emetrol and it helped stop the throwing up motion. (Take one dosage and don’t chase it with anything else for 5 minutes – you want to give it time to coat your stomach.). For general nausea, ginger ale helped with both the indigestion and combating dehydration. Gatorade helps with this as well, though I don’t love Gatorade. I hope you get better soon!!

      1. Anoncorporate*

        Oh I misread and thought you were throwing up! My bad, I’m out of it today. Emetrol can help with queasiness as well, but other than that i would just recommend staying as hydrated as possible!

    38. Kathenus*

      I’m so sorry, nausea is horrible. I think all of these have been listed already, but for me it’s completely a mood thing as to which I want at that time, but the nausea remedies that help me the most (in no particular order) are:

      – Coke (for some reason has to be Coke for me for nausea, not another brand) – fizzy and cold (versus the flat-ish others mention)
      – Ginger ale – also fizzy and cold
      – Cola syrup from the pharmacy over crushed ice, sometimes in stock sometimes has to be ordered – I had to order it last time I needed it but did so I’d have it in the future (also it arrived the next day so was there quickly)
      – If cola syrup isn’t available, Eretrol is an OTC nausea medication

      I try to have all of these at home just in case. Hope you feel better soon.

      1. Anoncorporate*

        I also like tart things when I’m queasy. Like citrus or green apple with salt. It’s all I can stomach before I progress to dry carbs and eventually eating normally.

    40. Kim*

      My recommendations:
      1) Be cold. Get rid of blankets, crank up the AC. Just be uncomfortably cold for awhile.
      2) Weeeeeeeeed
      3) Cold, carbonated beverages. Seltzer water is great, but a lot of times I just find a Coke very soothing (especially if you get it as a fountain drink).
      4) I take some ibuprofen even if I don’t have any pain symptoms. Could even be a placebo effect, but either way, it definitely helps.
      Best of luck!

    41. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Wierdly, vinegar might help. I drink about a tablespoon of vinegar (red or white wine or cider, not the plain white stuff) in a small glass of water, followed by a bit more plain water, and it often does wonders for heartburn. I recently bought a bottle of some kind of fancy cider vinegar with ginger in it at Safeway that worked surprisingly well when I had a bout of Montezuma’s Revenge. However that was after three days of antibiotics and a round of Zofran (which did give me an awful headache) so YMMV.

    42. Lora*

      My personal cocktail is Benadryl, ondansetron and ketorolac. Side effects are sleeping for about 12 hours, because Benadryl. Triptans are sometimes helpful sometimes not.

    43. Not A Manager*

      Try seltzer water with a good sprinkle of Angostura bitters. For some reason, the slight bitterness helps me keep the water down and settles my stomach.

    44. fhqwhgads*

      If what you’ve been prescribed is Zofran (or Ondansetron, its generic), I strongly recommend taking it anyway. It is THE BEST for nausea. It’s a little weird it has a cause headaches warning because it’s often prescribed for migraines. It’s a real possible side-effect obviously or they wouldn’t list it, but if you already have a headache it’s not going to make it worse and may very well make both better.

    45. Not So NewReader*

      If you go with the suggestions along the lines of ginger/ginger tea, you can try some honey. Not for everyone. But I have had good luck most of my life with a tablespoon of honey for stomach upset. Honey absorbs into the body really fast. There were times I downed the honey and walked directly to the bathroom. Even though it seemed like I had lost the honey, it felt like I had not. I could sleep after that and because I could sleep the stomach settled even more.

      We need energy to sleep and heal, so that hit of sugar seems to do it for me. If I felt better when I woke up, I’d have honey on toast. I had to cut the toast into quarters because one piece of toast was that daunting. Usually, I was able to finish the toast even after promising myself that I did not “have to” finish the toast. I actually wanted to finish it.

      This seems unusual for you to get so sick Alison, I hope you feel better very soon.

    46. I don’t post often*

      Peppermint candy and lemonade … not together but separately always helped me.

    47. Lilysparrow*

      Ginger tea, especially if it’s made with fresh gingerroot.

      Peppermint hard candies or peppermint tea.

      Nice cold compress on the back of the neck.

      Sip slowly on an elecrolyte drink – Gatorade or even Pedialyte. Very small sips, very cold.

      1. It’s All Good*

        Yes on the electrolytes! A tablespoon at a time of Gatorade on ice! Works wonders.

    49. JSB*

      Some people have really good luck with ginger – nibbling on dried ginger; ginger tea.

      1. Joie De Vivre*

        I forgot to add Bonine is a chewable, which is one of the reasons I like it.

    51. Belle di Vedremo*

      Have you tried shifting one of your nurses to your midsection? A light, warm, and purring weight can be very helpful.

      If the vinegary Greek salad helped, I hope that you’ve had some more. Do stuffed grape leaves appeal?

      Hope you’re feeling better.

    52. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      My doctor always recommended cola, stirred flat of fizz. I’m a fan of it. A different doctor recommended liquid Mylanta for mystery stomach viruses.

      Feel better!

    53. Esme*

      Giada’s Detox Soup. Leave out any of the vegetables or the chilies if that seems too much, but ginger and lemongrass are the best combo.

    54. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thank you for all of these recommendations as well!

      I’m actually quite a bit improved today (which is such a relief — this has been going on since Tuesday night) but I have written down all these recommendations and am going to start keeping a lot of this stuff on hand. (Also, be warned I may still run repeat posts on Monday; I am not so improved as to necessarily return to working right away.)

    55. Courageous cat*

      Non-drowsy dramamine (meclizine). It’s the only reason I haven’t thrown up in 15 years, and I’m a regular drinker too.

    56. SigneL*

      Ginger ale helps me. There’s also ginger chewing gum (I don’t remember where I got it, however). Have you tried Benadryl?

      Saltines helped me a lot when I was pregnant and had morning sickness.

      I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well! I HATE queasiness!

    57. LGC*

      So, I am absolutely useless in recommending alternate remedies (whatever I can suggest has almost certainly been posted already), but I really hope you get better soon!

    58. Double A*

      I don’t know if pregnant lady tricks would work, but I took half a unisom sleep tabs every night for morning sickness (the ones you can break in half, not the gels– they have doxylamine). It helps you sleep and helps with queasiness, and I find they didn’t leave me super groggy. But I don’t know if it’s special sauce for morning sickness or would help with general nausea.

    59. Anon phd*

      My sympathies to this and lots of hugs. I had persistent nausea two years ago after an awful sinus infection. My doc gave me a prescription for an antacid and an antinauseant. For some reason I kept one of the bottles and one of those drugs is called Pantoprazole. My nausea was because of excessive post nasal drip gathering in my stomach. The antinauseant didn’t give me headaches, just made me drowsy and because of that it was only to to be taken at night. This drug combo worked wonders, I took it for about two weeks. Other than that, peppermint tea or lemon-ginger tea from Twinings are my go-to’s. All the best!

  3. OG Karyn*

    I just want to thank everyone who reached out with sympathy last weekend when I posted about my breakup. It’s not been an easy week by any means but he and I are trying to remain friends, and I took myself to Washington DC this weekend to visit one of my best friends. We got dressed up tonight and managed to get hit on by a few guys, which was nice since for the last few months my ex barely wanted to touch me. So thank you all for your kindness while I mourned my loss.

    1. fposte*

      I’m glad to hear you’ve been up and going out–a trip away was a great idea. FWIW, though, I think it’s okay for you not to be friends with your ex, at least for a while, if you’re not feeling it. You can be a good person dealing maturely with a breakup and still need some time apart from an ex.

      1. Angwyshaunce*

        I became very close friends with my ex and her (eventual) family, but yeah, it took a few years after the breakup before that happened.

        Glad to hear you’re going out and having fun OP! Major changes are rarely easy, but time and a positive perspective can do wonders.

      2. Jules the 3rd*

        I am friends with about 60% of my ex’s. In every case, we needed a cooling off period, usually about 2x the length of time we dated. The two times I tried being friends too soon did not go well.

    2. Ethyl*

      Agreed with others, don’t feel like you have to stay friends right this minute! Especially since I suspect that in a couple of months, once you aren’t feeling so sad and heartbroken, you’re going to get real real angry with him. Once you have your living situation sorted out, I think it’s more than healthy and normal to take a break from communicating.

      1. OG Karyn*

        I moved out. Back in with my parents. Not ideal but at least he’s paying all the expenses. I can’t afford our apartment alone.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I’m just glad you’re someplace stable and that you don’t have to put a lot of work into it right now. Studying for the bar is work enough.

          Also glad that he’s paying the expenses. Jerk.

  4. Aphrodite*

    Get well soon, Alison. I was there not long ago and, yes, it’s beyond awful.

    I really don’t know how this will work for queasiness but it will for headaches: get a cucumber, slice it in thick slices and freeze them individually on a baking sheet (preferably nonstick). Once they are frozen, put them in a plastic freezer bag. Put them on your eyes. You can reuse them over and over by re-freezing. (You can also refrigerate them instead but the intensity of the freezing will shock your head into feeling better.

    I’m sorry I have no recommendation; I do nonfiction only. But if you want some recommendations there . . .

      1. Sunny*

        For sinus headaches, I swear by my lavender-filled satin eye pillow. I store it in a zip bag in the freezer. I just lay it across my face as I rest. Also good if you’re just generally overheated. (I’ve had it for years and it still has its light, lovely lavender fragrance.)

        Hope you feel better soon!

    2. Trixie*

      I do this as well with little baggies of frozen peas which can settle in and around my eyes. Will try cucumbers next.

    3. Tau*

      On the cold front, I cannot recommend cold patches highly enough. I don’t know if they’re sold in the US – they are in drugstores in the UK, but here in Germany I have to order them online – but they are amazing. They are basically adhesive patches that will cool your skin for several hours (packaging claims eight, I find this an exaggeration). The fantastic thing is that you can target the area experiencing the pain very precisely, can cool said area while keeping your hands free, and the cold is cold enough for pain reduction but not so cold that it causes problems if you leave the patch on for a long time – this being an issue I have with icepacks and anything that comes out of the freezer. I have maybe-cluster-headaches where cold is basically the only thing they respond to in any way at all and these things are a godsend.

    4. SigneL*

      A cold, wet washcloth on the back of my neck helps me if I’m queasy. I have no idea why.

      1. Deranged Cubicle Owl*

        Last year, when our European summer was really hot, I read an article that you will sleep better (and fall faster asleep) when you put a wet washcloth on the back of your neck. And I can say that it really worked. Perhaps it is indeed the same when one is feeling sick.

  5. Electric sheep*

    The Women’s World Cup for football/soccer has started this weekend! Who else is excited? (Go Matildas!)

    1. WS*

      I wish I could watch more matches! SBS had the opening match and has all the Matildas matches and the finals, but I’m not sure where to access more.

      1. Electric Sheep*

        Annoyingly, they’re on Optus Sport, which is a streaming service. It’s $14.95 a month, but they have an offer where school kids can watch for free, so if you have a kid the right age you might be in luck. As well as via their app or on their website, you can stream to you tv via Fetch, Xbox, chromecast, Amazon Fire TV, Apple TV (gen 4 and later) devices, and any generation Apple TV to airplay direct from the Optus Sport mobile app.

        It would also be nice if it were in a better time zone! Now I have a job with more responsibilities, I need to be more awake at work than I used to be, so just being sleep deprived for a month isn’t going to work out for me this time.

    2. londonedit*

      Yes! Come on England! The BBC are showing every match for the first time ever, I’ve been so impressed with the efforts from them and from the English FA to raise awareness and generate a bit of excitement around the tournament. Men’s football is such a huge, huge sport here that the women’s game has struggled to compete with the Premier League. But now the FA are branding everything as ‘Two teams, one England’ and really hyping up the women’s team. I hope they do really well, they deserve to!

    3. Femme d'Afrique*

      I am! Waiting for the Germany-China game.

      Did you see the Google doodle tribute to the Women’s World Cup? It’s really cool!

      1. londonedit*

        It’s very cool! And what a first half in the Germany-China game too. No idea how it’s 0-0!

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’m watching too! Where I am (USA) a lot of the games are on cable in English (Fox Sports One) but on Telemundo in Spanish, which I can get on a broadcast channel, so I’ll be dusting off my Spanish to catch more games. (Some of the English-language ones are on the broadcast Fox network, but not as many as Telemundo puts on their main rather than sports network.) This happens a lot with soccer broadcasts here.

    5. Kathenus*

      Yes! Very excited. Deleted a bunch of things on my DVR last night to make more room for recording a lot of matches. I know what I’ll be doing at home for the next few weeks.

    6. CTT*

      SO excited!! Although slightly nervous, which is a new feeling for me going into this tournament (American). I’m annoyed so many of the games are while I’m working, but I think my family’s plan is to DVR all the US games, attempt a cone of silence and watch together later.

      1. londonedit*

        As a fan of the England men’s team I am well versed in pre-tournament nerves! It’s been extremely weird dealing with the fact that we’re actually half decent at the moment.

    7. Femme d'Afrique*

      Watching this Spain/ South Africa game through my fingers, I’m so nervous.

      Go South Africa!!

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      Me! Really looking forward to England v Scotland tomorrow. The Matildas are my second team though so will be cheering for them too.

      I’m also really pleased that the BBC is getting behind the tournament here in the UK and putting it on their main channels. Whilst it’s definitely not men’s World Cup levels yet, I feel like there’s a lot more public interest in the Lionesses since 2015 (granted good results in the last two major tournaments helped) and I really hope they do well enough to build on that this time.

    1. Jule*

      If this is for the light reading thread, I would like to extend a word of caution here. Giant content warning for suicide. Most of the first part of the book is about it.

      1. Tango Foxtrot*

        Thank you! I’ve been making a note of the suggestions in the thread to make myself a recovery reading list, and content warnings are so appreciated.

  7. OyHiOh*

    Took my kids to a dry, all ages drag show Friday night. Y’all, there were *littles* there. Four and five year olds parked in the front row rocking out and having a blast. It was wonderful and heartwarming to see. The presenters took the opportunity to talk about acceptance of the emotional/physical place you are at right now, identity, and exploring what makes you you, and also about appreciating your body and what it can do. Such good messages for the littles and the many many teens in the audience.

    Finished my move to new neighborhood on Tuesday. Did most of it myself because I managed to pick the one weekend when most of my friends were busy and not really able to help as much as they’d like. Which was a useful lesson in itself that I probably would not have noticed if more friends had been more available. I learned a lot about the kind of furniture I want/need building my home moving forward. I have to have things that are comfortable and practical, but which I can also move myself, or with the assistance of my own kids.

    I’ve been meeting to practice singing with one of the service leaders from my synagogue this week. I take myself far more seriously when I sing with other people and my youngest daughter commented that if I take a more active role in service leadership, then she knows she can do more too. Out of the mouths of babes.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Locally, our queens and kings will perform wherever they can book space. Which is usually bars. Which is rather limiting. They had so much fun with the kids in the audience. The coffee shop/community space I work at part time is doing a series of special events for Pride so we rolled a First Friday Art Walk into Pride and decided to host drag. Within an hour of the final number, people were posting wanting to know when we’re going to host another show. In a few months, I hope!

        1. Sparkly Lady*

          That’s super cool, and extra super cool that you had kings and not just queens! I get a little irked when drag is presented as queens only. I think it undercuts a lot of the message and there are amazing hella talented kings, who deserve a lot more recognition than they get!

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Some of our local queens are doing a read aloud at the local library today!

    3. fposte*

      Gotta say, Oy, with all you’re getting up to recently, you are freaking amazing. (And the show sounds great.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Totally agree, OyHiOh, you’re doing it, you are running at life.
        Ya know, when my husband passed I was very much aware that the choices I made then would impact how my life played out in years to come.
        So based on my own narrow experience, I have to say that you are going to be pleased with how life goes for you in years to come. You are going to be okay, in spite of having your whole world turned upside down. Keep going, keep doing what you are doing.

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      That all-ages drag show sounds wonderful! I’ll have to look into if we have anything like that here – all I’m aware of is bars, but I kind of hate leaving the house so I may not be up on all of the things available these days.

      For furniture, one of the best suggestions I can make if you’re serious about being able to move all of your things yourself is to get a nice futon. (Not one of the cheap metal-framed ones.) I have a wood frame futon, and it’s so much more possible for me to move that thing by myself than a real couch, and it’s more comfortable to sleep on than a hide-a-bed couch while being much lighter. Since the mattress and the frame are separate pieces, I have to do two trips if I’m moving it alone, but it’s very do-able. (I tie up the mattress into a roll with rope to make it less awkward to carry.)

      I chose to hire movers to move my heavier furniture, but I know that doesn’t make sense for everyone. You can hire local movers to just move the heavy things without also paying them to pack up your stuff or move every little thing, and that compromise point generally works for my situation and budget. (I decided to start doing that when I inherited a couch too big to fit in my minivan, which fits the futon or a full-size bed, but would not fit an 8 foot couch that I wanted to keep. I decided that rather than renting a truck I had to fill myself I’d escalate all the way to actual movers if I was going to own furniture that bulky.)

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      That sounds fun! I think my niblings would have awkward questions but still have a blast. Drag is fun, after all.

      1. OyHiOh*

        My kids are little theater babies so my initial explanation was “drag is theater. It’s performance. It’s building a character and making that character so believable your audience doesn’t doubt it at all.” I didn’t see any reason to dig into identity while explaining what we were going to go to. My friend we’re living with gave them a little more detail but there were no awkward questions at any point.

        Driving home, we talked more about character development and the differences between drag and burlesque (which they’re familiar with from some period TV serials they like). Both of my daughters want to learn burlesque-style performance now, lol.

    7. Belle di Vedremo*

      The drag show sounds like great fun – and to include the messages about appreciating one’s own self makes it also sound awesome.

      Very impressed with how much you are doing and how you are moving forward. It is so good to hear your updates as you share them.

      May your new home be a blessing, and the life you build rich with memories.

    8. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      Does your public library do Drag Queen Storytime? A lot of major cities do now.

      1. OyHiOh*

        No, but we’re trying to organize one at the shop later this month. A couple of the queens who performed are completely on board – we just need a couple sponsors so people don’t have to pay to bring their kids. We even have the training kit from the organization so that any queens who do participate can list themselves on the Drag Queen Story Hour directory and do future events. Obviously, we really, really want to do that thing :-)

  8. Free Meerkats*

    I’ve been visiting Mom and family in rural Central Missouri for the past week and a half. Also visiting friends, one whom I met in person for the first time.
    She’s doing good, her critters are doing good, rest of family mostly good. I got a gout flare up and had to visit the doctor, but otherwise good. The flooding along the Missouri River and it’s tributaries is serious. The number of fields that should be waist high corn but are just water concerns me. And the scattered tornado damage!
    Home to the Great Northwest Monday. I’m looking forward to getting out of the rain.

    1. OyHiOh*

      I have a family member who lives in one of the river hamlets along the Missouri river. Relative has had water lapping up against the river side of their house for a few days – 34.5 feet of water needed to get into their house and the river is just a touch below that mark.

      Unfortunately, there’s probably going to be another peak in about two weeks or so: The Rocky mountains got hit bad with a series of late spring snow storms that only just starting melting of this week. Great for our local tourist season! Ski in the middle of June! Absolutely awful for planting the bread basket states.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Oh I didn’t even think about runoff. My parents had over a foot of snow at their house the week before (so, you haven’t been in the US in the spring for several years, eh, Pantalones? Ha ha ha let’s throw all of the freak weather at you, especially since you mostly packed light summery clothes!).

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      was wondering how it went… I flew into Omaha a few weeks back, and the devastation from the air was striking. The family members and friends back there who had crops to plant, are suffering… the decisions are hard. If there’s no crops, a big whammy is yet to be felt.

    3. fposte*

      As NoLonger says, it’s going to be a summer without crops in a lot of Midwestern fields. Apparently fields that had cover crops are faring a little better, but it’s still going to be a region full of fallow fields in late summer. Bad year for insurance.

    4. Ey-not-Cy*

      North east MO here. We had kids leaving school early at the end of May to help evacuate their homes. My husband has helped with sandbagging. We are down to one bridge to cross over into IL. I don’t mind helping, but I must admit, sometimes I just want to say–“you know this happens! Move out of the bottoms!” But I also know those places rent cheap for that very reason, and my students need homes to live in. Ugh.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I just visited relatives in NW Missouri, right along the river, last week and it was really something to see. We got there the day after the huge tornado near KC and the flooding we could see from the plane was really terrible. My relative’s house managed to escape too much flooding, although there was water in the basement, but the rest of the town was swamped for a day or so. Really sad and frustrating for all the farmers around there.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I heard somewhere that Missouri might be looking at another flood season like the one in 1993. That was bad. I was in California at the time and flew back for a visit, over some of the flooded areas. The water had gone down somewhat, but I remember looking out of the plane window and thinking, Daaaaaaaaaamn.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Am I the only one who thinks it is ironic that you are headed back to the Seattle area and looking forward to getting out of the rain?

      Safe travels.

  9. Jaid*

    My apartment’s central A/C crapped out and maintenance was able to bring me a portable room A/C unit. It’s lovely to have a 60 something bedroom to sleep in again… Central was putting out air, but it wasn’t cold air.

    Other than that, I hope to go to the waterpark today.

    I wish y’all a good weekend!

  10. Lemontree*

    Hi!
    Does anyone have a friend, SO participating in Transam bike race?

    @Alison get well soon. Book recommendation: Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan.

  11. Kuododi*

    Found out last week I’m in need of a needle biopsy bc of “suspicious area” in my left breast. Went off into orbit briefly as the news triggered old worries from my previous bout with cancer. DH was a love and brought home massive sirloin steaks for the grill and fixed me a wonderful dinner to take my mind off of the upcoming testing. He’s already taking the day off to go with me and hopefully hold my hand while the procedure is taking place. I’m keeping in touch with my sister who is my dear beloved and I have also updated my therapist. Nothing really to do at this point. I’m concentrating on not magnifying this into an epic disaster. Thanks for a moment to put this in writing. Blessings to you all.

    1. Lemontree*

      Hi. I hope the biopsy results show that there is nothing to worry about and you get to do something fun while waiting for the results.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      fistbump of solidarity. It sounds like you have a great support network, and I hope your biopsy is a precautionary item that finds … just calcification (which mine was…although my brain had already spun into anxiety), or something else benign. No matter what, we are here for you….

    4. Rebecca*

      Been there, done that, twice – thinking of you. It’s hard not to let our minds wander to the worst thing.

    8. LondonBridges*

      Best wishes! I just had a biopsy done a week or two ago, luckily it came back just a fibroadenoma. Wishing you similar results!

    9. Not So NewReader*

      You always write from the heart, Kuododi, and you always have something heart touching and kind to say.

      You and those walking beside you IRL are in my thoughts and heart.

    10. Thursday Next*

      I’m thinking of you. I’ve had a few biopsies lately, and it’s nerve wracking to wait and wonder. I comfort myself by thinking about how great medicine is at early detection, to try to calm my nerves while waiting for the biopsy appointment and then the results.

      Best wishes to you.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Sending good vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and hope it turns out to be nothing.

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      Extending another hand your way, and glad you’ve got support in person.

  12. Laura H.*

    My 10 year reunion is today! I don’t feel like it’s been 10 years… kinda excited!

    1. Another Manic Monday*

      I got an invitation this week to the 30th anniversary of my class graduating from Junior High. It feels like yesterday and I can’t believe it has been that long. I will most likely not attend, but I was kind of excited about the possibility for a second. I hope you will have a great time!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If you go to your reunion, you will have to tell us a little something about it.

  13. Another Manic Monday*

    I’m having yet another fight with insomnia so I ended up on AAM. I got an email from my elderly parents earlier this week. They have signed a lease agreement for a small apartment in town as they have become too old to care for their farmhouse. It wasn’t really a surprise as I have told them before that they needed to move to place that required less upkeep and didn’t put as much strain on them. I was perplexed, however, by one sentence in their email. They said that they are telling me first because I am the most trustworthy of their children and they are keeping it a secret from my siblings for now. I don’t know what to do with that. I guess that I should be flattered for being considered more trustworthy, but I don’t see why it matters at all. There’s no controversy about them getting a small apartment to live in at their old age, so why are they keeping this information from my siblings? I was often emotionally manipulated as a child, so I am very weary of anything that comes across as manipulative when I am talking with my family. Maybe I am just making a big deal about nothing and they didn’t really mean it the way I took it.

      1. valentine*

        They said the same thing to each child? They want to be gone before anyone can guilt them into staying? Would they use it against you later by informing your siblings they told you first or claiming you’re the one who wanted them to sit on it?

        Do nothing. Let it be. This is thermonuclear war: “The only way to win is not to play the game.”

        1. Another Manic Monday*

          While I do love my family, I have kept them on an arm-length distance since I become an adult. I bought a one-way ticket as soon as I could afford one and started a new life more than 6,000 miles away from my parents and siblings. The number of times I have been back home during the last 25 years can be counted on one hand (last year was the first time in almost ten years). Life seems less stressful that way.

    2. Ginger ale for all*

      They may be wanting to stave of the requests for certain pieces of furniture and keepsakes that roll in when people downsize until they have caught their breath from the change.

      1. I hate the offseason.*

        This is what I was thinking. They trust you not to make a lot of drama about how they get rid of the stuff in the house and/or the proceeds from the sale. Some children will see this as a chance to get theirs.

        1. Trixie*

          I find this heartbreaking, the sibling drama. But I am always relieved to see our parents downscale in their own time, and before it becomes an emergency situation.

        2. Another Manic Monday*

          My parents has nothing in our family home that I would want. There were only a handful things of pure sentimental value to me and I picked them up at my last visit. I neither want their property nor their money. My siblings can fight over them. I don’t want anything.

          1. LCL*

            That’s exactly why they told you first. They have to tell someone, and you will provide the minimum of drama. Odds are at least 1 of your siblings would try to guilt them into staying on the farm. Or pressure your parents to give them the property to keep it in the family.

    3. Rescue Dog*

      This is exactly the weird kind of thing my parents would do. I’m sorry…I know from experience how stressful the seemingly smallest things can be, because they are part of a larger pattern. Lately I’ve been doing an exercise in my head where they are not my parents but rather some random elderly people I met. Because random elderly people can say odd things and it doesn’t make my stomach clench. It’s not working yet, but it does give me something to concentrate on and strive for as I’m interacting with them. Good luck.

    4. MissDisplaced*

      Is it because they don’t want all the siblings speculating on the sale of the family farm?
      You don’t mention that, but it seems a normal concern all the kids would have.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This was the first thing I thought of. Eh, it’s their money, they can use it as they wish.

        I did wonder though, maybe you have a sibling who keeps hitting them up for money. My older friend has this situation, so she just simply says, “There is no money, it’s gone.” In reality, she can pay her bills and have a modest treat once in a while. She definitely cannot loan money to others.

        If your parents have always been private about money then this is probably more of that just in a different costume.

        I do have to think, though, how do parents keep a new address a secret???? Whatever this is, it won’t last long.

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      I feel for you so much, AMM – I deal with the same thing. No good can come of your parents’ game playing – which is what this is even if they don’t think it is- but it can cause great problems with you and your siblings. I echo everyone here that you should not participate in this game, but if you think your parents would be receptive, I do think it might be worth saying to them that they are creating an awkward situation for you that could be swiftly solved if they would just tell the whole family of their plans. Burdening you with this secret and exposing you to possible fallout from siblings for it is thoughtless.

      I left my family home at 14 and at 52 I am still running. My family is so much like yours. Solidarity! Hang in there and let us know how you are.

  14. Don't get salty*

    I’m keeping my mother at arm’s length because she has invited her brother , who is married and homeless, to live with her again. This time, she didn’t tell me; I found out when I arrived to her house and I overheard him showering. She confessed that he’d been living there for about a month before I knew.

    She’d previously kicked him out because he tried to break her mobility device in anger. Prior to that, he’d threatened to kill me. It was the property damage that prompted her to get rid of him. I live on my own, but I visit her to help with weekly errands. I told her that I don’t trust him and that I want her to tell me if he is going to be there when I plan to visit. She claimed that she forgot.

    I had a great discussion with a friend who told me about a show where a doctor helps families cope with difficult family members. The doctor works to heal loved ones’ mobility & disability issues (namely, family members who are bariatric and require surgery). The doctor explained (as told by my friend) that some people use their disability to create drama — to keep people close around them to do their bidding — and they don’t want to get better. It opened my eyes and I haven’t visited her for over a month. The longer I stay away, the less I want to see her.

    1. valentine*

      You’re not safe with either of them and there’s an argument for her being more dangerous because she’s secretive and seemingly passive, whereas he’s willing to make threats.

      I think there’s greater harm in not believing people about their disabilities, especially when your uncle violently made your mother more vulnerable, in general, and to him, in particular, even if it was only once. It was a threat to harm her, just as breaking belongings or punching walls is. (Not that you need to do anything about this. I think if you were to report him to adult services to try to get her help, they might turn on you and say it never happened or you did it.)

      If you feel relieved and free, keep at it. If not, keep at it, anyway, and see if you come to feel that way when you think about how you don’t have to see them.

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      I don’t really speak to my mom, I don’t try not to, its more I just don’t have anything to say so I did not call often. She noticed and made it a BIG DEAL.

      Anyway, I notice some coworkers felt better pulling back from their parents when they tralized I have too. We all give each other “permission” to have the level of family contact that is right for us.

      You get to have the level that is right for you. Be safe!

      1. Agent J*

        I agree. I’ve recently pulled back from talking to my mither because so many if iur conversations are about money: her lack of it, the impending doom of another bill being overdue, the unfilled promises to pay me back, the neverending requests for help. I love my mother and wish we were closer but the constant guilt/shame/stress around money is too much.

        @Don’t get salty — Your feelings are valid. If you feel better not seeing your mother, that means something. Kudos to you for being able to separate yourself and see the situation for what it is.

    3. tangerineRose*

      I think what you’re doing makes sense. Your mother doesn’t seem to be concerned about your safety.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Trust your feelings and act in your own best interest.
      Many of us are dealing with parents who aren’t safe – physically, emotionally or both. The only healthy option is to minimize or eliminate contact. It’s sad, but necessary.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Her unwillingness to keep YOU safe, makes her just as dangerous as him. She knew not to tell you he was there, so she is aware of what she is doing.

      I am glad you are looking at this clearly. I take it you are having a sense of relief from not being around her, this probably means you need to continue to stay away. Get some support going on for yourself, if you feel you need to. And just keep going with your own life and your own plans.

      We can’t protect people from themselves. If we try we can end up injured. That injury could be physical, emotional or financial or any combination, but it is still an injury. Keep yourself safe first. This is something that your mom is NOT doing for herself, but you can make different choices for yourself.

      1. Don't get salty*

        His moving in and getting kicked out has been going on for over a decade.
        Her ultimate fantasy is for everyone to accommodate him and make his life easy and all be one big happy family. She’s the only one who allows this, but she constantly complains about it. Everyone else has cut him off.

        I’m seriously considering just cutting her out of my life, but I still hesitate.

        Thanks, everyone, for the support.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I think I know what show you’re referring to. I’ve been watching it on Hulu. When people do that, there is no way to force them to work on the situation, even in the face of losing their life. The pain of staying the same has to outweigh the fear of change. I’m sorry this is happening in your family.

  15. Anon Would-Be Driver*

    This seems like a good group to ask.
    I couldn’t afford to learn to drive when I was younger. Then a now-ex tried to teach me and that didn’t go well. So it’s been almost 20 years since my last attempt.
    I am worried that I am just not attentive or skillful enough to drive properly.
    If you learned to drive later in life, how did you do it? How do I determine if I am actually capable of driving well?

    1. only acting normal*

      I learned a few years later than usual, long after my friends, but I was nervous about skill and attention too.
      I wouldn’t get a friend or family member to teach me, I’d pay for professional lessons, they’re pricey but worth it. My instructor was a woman who was very very calm and clear in her instructions (a boon as I don’t know left from right), and she almost never used the dual controls (maybe twice that I recall). Contrast with a school friend whose instructor was intervening constantly right up to the day they took (and passed) their test! If you don’t gel with/trust your instructor find another.
      Now in the car I still consciously *focus on driving*, mainly on awareness of the road, the physical actions are automatic now, but distractions take my skill level down a long (way even after 15 years regular practice). Just know yourself and what you need to be safe and comfortable.

      1. Avatre*

        I’m not sure if getting my license at 21 qualifies as “later in life,” but driving did not come easily to me *at all.* 16-year-old-me just barely passed the practical part of her school-district driver’s ed course, then refused to get behind the wheel again for two years. Never mind processing all the information that comes at you on the road, I had trouble physically controlling a car!

        When I finally let my parents persuade me to get another learner’s permit, my dad and I went all the way back to basics. We went to a big, veeeeeeerrrrrrry empty parking lot (I think it was the industrial district on the weekend or something like that), and I just drove circles and figure eights. I don’t think I even touched the accelerator the first day. We worked up to empty streets, the mall parking lot, less-empty streets, various kinds of parking, and, yes, highways. (Sometimes.) We did that on all my vacations home from college for almost three years. I still don’t really like to drive, especially at high speeds and/or in heavy traffic, but I got my license! It does get easier with practice. I just happened to need a lot more practice than most of my peers for whatever reason. Could be because I’m neurodiverse, could be I angered a traffic god as a child… ;)

        I second the recommendation for professional lessons, for a few months at least. My high school driving teacher was a blessedly unflappable guy and I did learn a lot from him. But asking a patient, licensed friend to take you to a very empty parking lot for a while is something I also recommend. It’s a lot easier to pay attention to the road when you know how to make the car go a consistent speed in a non-wobbly line, and I wish someone had told teenaged me that the two things are not the same skill!

        Best of luck!

    2. Lemonwhirl*

      Get a good professional to teach you. As “only acting normal” says, it’s pricey but worth it.

      Concentrate on looking for a good teacher who is going to work with you and suit your style. Ring a bunch of places, describe what you’re looking for, and ask questions. And if an instructor is a mismatch for you or is harsh with you, fire them and find someone else. Also, explain to the instructor that you’re very nervous and might need to build up your confidence in an empty car park or some place that there’s not a lot of cars or people.

      The other thing is to work on your own feelings about yourself and, if possible, maybe unwind some of this with a therapist. 16 and 17 year old kids are not, on a whole, skilful or attentive people, but they’re taught how to drive. I’m wondering about where your perception of yourself comes from and whether you’ve internalised some stuff that’s potentially not true and also causing you some harm.

      Be gentle and kind with yourself and try to take an attitude of “I am going to learn how to drive. With the right help, I can do this thing.”

    3. Novocastriart*

      I got my drivers licence in March, aged thirtyfreakinfive. Took a long time due to medical conditions, money, time and scaredness but I love it!!! Do it, was hands down the best thing I’ve ever worked for (spent a tonne of time and money on lessons because my husband couldn’t reach me but it was all absolutely worth it).

      1. Ann, you perfect sunflower*

        I stopped driving regularly around the time I was 27, after moving to a city and selling my car because parking would cost too much. For four years I drove occasionally, friends’ cars or Zipcar, and then I moved to an even bigger city and just… stopped. That city made me too anxious to drive in and there were plenty of other options. The longer I went without driving the worse my driving anxiety got. At 37 I decided to learn to drive again, and I found professional lessons – turns out learning or relearning to drive later in life is a whole thing, because you’re just so much more aware you’re not invincible than you were at 16/17. I took away some very practical advice on things like how to see if a car is coming through parked car windows, how to time my turns, etc, and I was reassured by the instructor that I’m a good driver. It helped a lot. I’m still slowly working on the anxiety part, getting up the courage to get back on the freeway soon, but that’s more cognitive behavioral than technique-related for me. I’d highly recommend you look for lessons near you, and I’d also suggest not scheduling anything immediately after your first few lessons. It’s a lot to pay attention to and at first I found myself very very tired after my lessons. Good luck!

        1. Lilysparrow*

          I also learned as a teen and then had to re-learn after living car-free for many years. It is quite common, as is not needing to learn young. The US tends to be so car-centric (for a lot of reasons, including simple geograpy) that it’s easy to forget many people just don’t need to drive, even here in the States.

          1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

            Yeah, I had this happen too. I learned to drive in high school, but I went to college in the city, then I moved to the city, and basically went 10 years without driving before we got trapped into moving to the suburbs and had to buy a car.

            I had been a bike commuter for the first year we lived in that suburb, so I practiced driving the routes I biked on, since I knew the traffic flow. It is scary, especially if you live somewhere with lots of angry, aggressive, reckless drivers who behave unpredictably! But it’s doable.

        2. Minocho*

          I’ve been driving since I was 16, with a short two year break while I was in Japan, so I don’t know much about learning to drive while older, but the comment about being more aware of our vulnerability as an adult than a teenager makes a lot of sense to me.

          One thing you can do even before you fine a teacher is start paying a lot of attention to the road when someone else is driving. Try to recognize when someone is not signalling, but is going to change lanes anyway. Look for drivers you think would be dangerous and think about how you can avoid them. There are signals that a driver projects into the motion of their car, and these motions give you clues as to what the driver will do next – I can’t describe these clues, but they have to exist, because I know when a driver is thinking of changing lanes, even without a signal or braking. There are patterns in the cars around you, and paying attention to that and learning to recognize these visual signals can only help you navigate the roads once you start driving.

    4. Marion Q*

      My mum got her licence at the age of 50, so it’s definitely possible to learn later in life! She had never had driving lessons before, so she wasn’t very confident at the beginning. She also has a tendency to space out and we originally worried about her ability to stay focused. I second the suggestion to pay for professional lessons. I think it was a big factor of why my mum was successful.

    5. Utoh!*

      My coworker told me her grandmother did not learn to drive until she was 70. All in all, if you want to learn to drive, then you should look into doing so through a professional driving school (of course comparison shop and check out reviews). I did when I had not driven in 10 years and was moving to a new state where I had to drive. I don’t think I could have had anyone related to me teach me to drive, way too much stress on both parties.

    6. Policy wonk*

      My mom didn’t drive until, in her 60’s, my dad died – she had always relied on him for transportation. If she could conquer her fear and do it, so can you! Around here there is a company run by off duty cops – they do a good job teaching. If you have something similar I’d recommend it.

    7. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Lessons from a professional! Granted I was only getting a UK licence and have had a US licence for decades, but the professional has the insurance, experience, and the car with dual controls. A family member or friend will be more worried about you damaging their car on top of the stress of trying to teach you. Expensive-ish but less stress overall, plus they are invested in being honest with your skills and progress and not letting you book the test until you are ready.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      If you have enough coordination/multitasking ability to type on a computer while you talk on the phone, or cook a simple meal while watching TV or listening to the radio, then you probably have the attention and skill level needed to drive a car.

      The rest is just learning the mechanics and the rules.

      Driving schools exist for folks in your situation, don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine!

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Capability. How do you do maneuvering other things? A shopping cart, a lawn mower, etc? This will kind of guide you to see that you do understand spacial relationships. You know when something will fit in a space and when it won’t. You do understand how to figure that out and not crash into things.

      Have you ever operated anything with a foot pedal such as a sewing machine? Helpful, but not necessary. If you have operated anything with a foot pedal, you understand how pedals feel under the foot. I helped my friend get her license. She could not feel the pedal. Probably those shoes with 2 inch thick soles had something to do with it. I told her to take her shoe off. That is not illegal in my state, so know your state on this one. However officers do not like to see people driving “barefoot” here. Her solution was to get a cheap pair of shoes with very little sole so she could feel the pedal better.

      Not attentive. Fading attention can be just fatigue. Learning to drive is a big burst of concentration if you are not used to it. The solution here is to drive shorter distances and build up your endurance as far as paying attention. I had my friend quit for the day when she had success. “Do something well and then go home.” Most people keep pushing until they “mess up”, then go home dejected/upset. My friend build confidence as she had shorter lessons, did something well then she went home. Instead of fretting over a mistake, she was ready to go again the next time.

      Use down time to your advantage. Incubation time is a very helpful tool here. Incubation time is time spent just NOT thinking about driving. For reasons, my friend and I had to take a 3 week break in her driving practice. When she came back to it she was stronger than ever, even she could see a difference.

      Now my friend thought it really helped her to go out driving with her husband also. She wanted me around for a woman’s perspective but she found that she liked hearing her husband’s perspective also. The two of us talking to her dove-tailed well for her. A thing you can do to help yourself is to read about driving and read about things tangent to drive, such as tire safety, new signage on the roads, new features in vehicles and so on. My friend and I shared a fear of driving. So she did the same thing I did, she avoided the topic and tangent topics. Reading will help you. Instead of tuning out conversations about cars, listen in, that will help also.

      Do seriously consider getting a professional trainer to teach you to drive. Their cars are equipped with brake pedals on their side. They have final say in whatever you are doing. They should take you to an empty parking lot at first. This is your opportunity to get used to how much to turn the wheel and how much push the pedals need. You can pretend to park the car by going in and out of marked parking spaces. My friend and I went twice. But the third practice she said, “NO more parking lots!” I laughed. She was getting exasperated with me, and I was waiting for that. She had out grown the parking lot and was ready to try the back streets. We ended up driving all over.

      Like me, she found that driving at 50 mph was easier than driving at 30 mph. At 50 mph I forgot I was supposed to be “watching” her, we just went right along no problem. We both agreed that moving slowly through a busy downtown was harder. So we practiced the things that she was saying where hardest for her to do.

      Now I helped her for free. But I think that you should be able to tell a professional teacher where you are having the most difficulty and they can help you practice that and talk you through some pointers.

      Last. It’s a well-known secret. We don’t really learn to drive until after we get the license. Basically getting a license says that you know how to keep yourself relatively safe. With my friend, I kept mentioning how she would handle something if she were alone in the vehicle and had to decide for herself with no one to bounce ideas off of. You can do this too, you can say to the instructor, “If I am alone in the vehicle and I encounter x situation how do I decide what to do?”

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I learned how to operate a vehicle in high school, but I never became an actual driver until I was 32. Until then, I had no car, and no real need for one until I met someone who lived in a rural area an hour away from me. Then I pretty much had to bite the bullet. I got a very cheap car and had friends and family help me refresh that knowledge. I second the others who say if you can afford professional lessons and they’re available, that might help mitigate any anxiety you have about it.

      Driving was scary at first, especially the first time I ever drove here in MyCity. But the more you do it, the more intuitive it gets. Yes, you do have to pay attention, but it won’t seem like you’re swimming in total chaos forever.

      I love being able to drive myself around, but I do wish I lived somewhere with good public transport. It’s nice not to have to worry about it at times. I get so spoiled when I go to London; as long as I know where I’m going, all I have to do is hop on a damn train or a bus and let someone else worry about it.

    11. At the Wheel!*

      Me, age 38! I did take professional lessons, then took 4 times to pass the driving test ;-) (and mind you, in my state you just drive in a big parking lot, not in traffic). I still didn’t drive afterwards. But then I knew I really had to start, and we got a 2nd car for the family, so I was committed. I could not even drive that thing home from the dealer! So, this was my strategy: 1) reviewing where things are in the car several times with super patient husband; 2) driving around empty parking lot with super patient husband; 3) driving around the block with super patient husband and practicing parking; 4) watching how super patient husband drives to the store and to my work and any familiar shorter routes; 5) driving the same routes with with super patient husband; 6) driving by myself on one of these routes! My other goals where things like driving in the rain for the first time. Trying to merge for the first time. Filling up the car with gas for the first time. Driving into more urban area. Driving in the snow. Driving when I am not feeling 100%. Driving further distance. Driving in the dark! Driving on the highway for the first time (that took me another 3 years to build up to). I still need to work on my parallel parking goal :-) – I walk blocks so I can park somewhere on end of a block where nobody boxes me in. I know these might seem easy to many out there, but each was a BIG deal for me.

      My go-to at the beginning: Breathing deeply and using Bach Rescue Remedy, and double-checking everything. Driving slow and easy routes. No distractions like radio. If you can, get a car that doesn’t have a stick shift. For me, it was also important to get a used car so I would not feel so bad if (ok, when) I scratched it. I am also short, so I felt I could not tell where the right front end of the car was, and my super patient husband got me a little flag pole with magnet that I attached to that area and could see the top to estimate the end. Hearing things enough time and voicing loud what I am doing/about to do, and knowing my super patient husband would jump in and grab the wheel if needed. (So, “I will put on the blinker, slow down a bit and start turning right. The light is changing, I need to start stopping.”). Driving longer distance on less busy roads so I get to places comfortably. I second Not So New Reader’s friend about the shoe choices – if you see somebody with a stiletto on left foot and a tennis shoe on the right one getting out of the car, that’s me, looking silly but driving every day and okay with it now. Driving was terrifying for me, but I am really grateful I started driving and have so much more freedom now! P.S. My mom started driving around age 50.

      1. Bob*

        Thank you so much for this comment. (And thanks to the OP and other commenters too.)

        I also passed my test in my late thirties and also didn’t drive afterwards. I’m 42 now and for the last year I’ve been wondering (on and off) about how best to get back into driving but haven’t done anything about it. Your brilliantly worded tips have given me such a clear path for how to move forward, thank you!

    12. Bibliovore*

      Learned to drive st 54. Pay someone to teach you. Get a lot of practice . Someone told me to put a something sharp tasing in my mouth. So I always had a peppermint when I was going to drive. It helped me to say things out loud. Here comes a stop sign. Full stop. Look right look left look right,

    13. Llellayena*

      My mom didn’t learn to drive until she was pregnant with me, “just in case of emergency.” She hasn’t let go of the steering wheel since! I’ve also taught a friend how to drive when we were in grad school. I think finding a good instructor that works with your personality is key. Go professional if there’s no one you’d trust to stay calm when you do new-driver stupid things.

    14. Anon Would-Be Driver*

      I am really grateful for all these suggestions and anecdotes. It may take a while, but I hope to be back with an update as I progress. I agree professional lessons are the way to go.

      1. Madge*

        I’m currently teaching my daughter to drive. Here’s a few things we’re doing that may help you. Start with a large business parking lot that’s quiet on weekends. You’ll have street-width passages you can drive on at low speeds to get comfortable with positioning, turns and parking. Get out of the car often and measure your view from the driver’s seat with the actual position of the car. This might not work where you live, but we do figure 8s around 2 blocks in our neighborhood as a warmup before heading on our way. I don’t do much highway driving now and I’m always a little nervous when we rent a car at an airport and I have to go straight from the parking lot to a busy highway, so I think I need to find my own warmup routine.

    15. anon for this*

      I didn’t get a license until I was 27. I took failed the practical portion of the test when I was 16 and basically gave up on getting my license in high school. Then I ended up moving to NYC when I was 18 and didn’t need one for several years. When I moved back to the south I was able to take the bus pretty much everywhere I went.

      It became an issue when my parents moved to another state and I didn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else for rides to places I couldn’t take the bus. I was spending a ton on cabs (before Uber was a thing).

      I don’t suggest you do what I did, but here’s what I did. I read up on all the laws using the book the DMV has online. Then I bought an inexpensive car on Craigslist for around $1600 and I started driving. First around the parking lot of my apartment complex and the grocery store in front of it, and then I’d drive on surface streets out to the country and practice on the country roads. After about 3 weeks I was confident enough and drove myself to the DMV and took the test. The hardest part was parallel parking, which is the same thing I failed on when I was 16. The rest of the test was just driving through a neighborhood around the DMV where there was zero traffic.

      I was convinced I sucked at driving for over a decade but when I just stared doing it, it really wasn’t that bad. I probably should’ve done it the right way and gone to get a permit and done real driving lessons first, but at the time I couldn’t afford it. Also, absolutely start with an automatic transmission. One less thing to stress about.

    16. PBJnocrusts*

      Hi Anon I got a very paitent instructor. Parent and SO both tried to teach me, declared me ‘hopeless’. I told my instructor this and that I may need some extra patience and time. He was amazing I got my licence first test.

  16. Myrin*

    I’m having a weird plant issue which someone on here can hopefully help me with since Ms. Google as a whole has been quite unhelpful. First up, I’m an experienced gardener and it’s rare for me to be stumped, but here goes.

    When we moved in late February, we brought several trees we had originally planted in our old garden with us – among them, a dwarf weeping willow. We had dug them up and put them in big pots in autumn already, and they were doing fine all throughout the winter, which was snow-heavy and cold this time.

    The weeping willow was in a pretty shallow pot (the only one still available which would accommodate its roots) with not that much ground and fell over several times, both during the move and later at the new flat. However, it’s a survivor! It started sprouting in early April, you could see the enlarged buds and the beginnings of some catkins already. However, I was afraid to let it stay in the shallow pot longtime and specifically bought large pots to plant the trees into, which we did before my gallbladder surgery because I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it afterwards for quite some time.

    Now in a bout of spectacularly bad luck, literally two days after we’d successfully replanted the trees, it started to become colder again and even to snow! For the record, it was highly weird that it snowed – it usually snows at 0 degrees and it was 5 to 8 degrees then, so not, like, extremely cold, but certainly cold enough and wet-snow-y enough that all the newly sprouted trees (the ones in the forest surrounding our house also!) were in for a nasty shock and promptly stopped any attempt at growing. It had been cold-ish and really rainy for a long time afterwards but it’s been very warm for two or three weeks now and all of the little replanted trees have started growing again – except for the little willow.

    I don’t want it to have died because of this stupid weather change and I don’t think that it did, but I’m worried. It’s not drooping or anything, and if you scratch at it, you can see that it’s still very green underneath, but it’s not sprouting, either. I love that little guy and desperately hope my dumb timing in replanting it didn’t do permanent damage to it, but I’m at a loss – have any of you experienced something like that? Is it possible for trees to be so shocked by a new environment that they promptly freeze in time?
    I could find one source describing something similar and it said the tree basically went into its hibernation phase again and then sprouted normally during the next spring but man, I don’t know.

    1. Venus*

      There are gardeners who answer questions on Mondays. I suggest looking up Ed Lawrence and Ontario Today.

    2. fposte*

      I don’t think you’re going to get much better than “Wait and see,” but if it’s still green underneath, I think the theory that it went dormant again is a plausible one.

    3. Jaid*

      Look up “You Bet Your Garden” with Mike McGrath… You can contact him via Facebook and he has a Saturday call-in radio show at noon EST

    4. Lilysparrow*

      Yes, I’ve had a similar thing happen to shrubs and trees when the weather was strange, or after transplanting. Some of them seemed to take forever to come around.

      Some sprouted again very late in the season and were normal the next year. Others stayed dormant until the following spring.

      A couple we lost to a second shock of drought or freeze. So I’d recommend you baby it a bit if the summer is extra-hot or dry, and maybe wrap it this winter.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      That thin green layer is called the cambium layer. That’s its life line. You don’t want to dig at that green layer- or scratch it. I’d say as long as you can see that it still has a cambium layer then the wood probably is not dead.

      There is a thing called transplant shock. So yes, transplanting will slow down the growth of a plant sometimes. It sounds like it was pot-bound and the roots are taking their time spreading out in their new home. If the roots are really rapped tight around each other, I usually loosen the fist, so the roots can spread out. If you did not loosen the roots before putting them in the new pot, this could be part of the problem. (Just guessing here.)

      Other than that, I would say make sure you keep up on the watering as willows like wet feet. If you have some 5-10-5 fertilizer you may consider giving it a lunch. And make sure it has good light, so the plant remembers, “Oh, yeah, it’s spring!”

      This is just general stuff. Kind of along the lines of making sure the car has gas before taking the engine apart to find the problem. Others gave resources to check, be sure to check there also.

  17. Myrin*

    “3 nurses”? That’s so sweet – I’m assuming they’re keeping watch over you, Alison?

    1. Jessen*

      I love that about cats – how they basically say “I love you” by “I’m just going to relax near you now where I can see you.”

      1. Anoncorporate*

        My roommate’s cat who is not the most social cat in the world always reappears out of his hiding spot to keep me company when I’m sick. Kitties are the best!

      2. Windchime*

        I love that, too. My sister came over once, years ago, and was very upset and crying. She is not a cat lover and is very allergic, so she had never, ever touched my cat. He came and sat at her feet while she sobbed. He just looked up at her, with his eyes half closed, and sat by her while she cried. It was very sweet.

      3. Minocho*

        When I was sleeping because felt horrible, I would wake up with my cats’ toys arranged around my head, as they slept next to me. So sweet!

  18. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

    I’m planning to bring home a new-to-me rescue doggie tomorrow! I meet her at noon and hopefully all goes well. I hadn’t heard back on my application, and had given up hope (I put it in last weekend)… but boom, not only do I meet her, I can bring her home!

    She’s only 6 – the last several dogs I’ve gotten have been senior citizens, and a couple fosters in the last year of their life. It’s been awhile since I had a “younger” dog!

    So I’m super excited. I went out tonight and put up the interior yard dog fence (around the big covered patio, access to the house through the dog door – she doesn’t stay out there – the house is “hers”, but it’s an extension of her space). I want to make sure she does respect the 4 neighbor cats – who hang out in the jungle of the far back yard (it’s about 1/4 acre) and keep the barn and outside portable garages “mouse free.” This way, she can’t chase them…. Once I’m sure she’s integrated and respectful, she “may” get further access, but… I want to keep a close eye on her first.
    Oh, so looking forward to this!

    2. JenRN*

      Congrats! We got a rescue dog in March. Finally feels settled in just in the last two weeks. He is very reactive on leash to all sorts of things and had been abused and is afraid of anything with a handle (broom, rake, etc) and steel toed boots (and of course the city workers have been in our neighbourhood x 2 months…).

      Finding his triggers and correcting has been a real challenge. He’s super trainable though and our local canine school does “Reactive Rover” classes. So all the operant conditioning tricks are working a treat. I hadn’t thought about Pavlov and Skinner since university days!

      The turning point was being able to get him to the off leash park and burn off the energy. A tired dog is a good dog. Anyways, all this to say if your pup has had a rough start too the best tip they gave us was to remember that re: unwanted behaviours, they aren’t giving you a hard time they are having a hard time.

    3. Smol Book Wizard*

      Best wishes to you and your new pupper! My little shy poodle is about that age and I just got her last Christmas… at least by our experience it’s a great age. Snuggles and maturity but still enough energy to do runabouts.
      I’m waiting Very Impatiently till I’m stable enough in my circumstances to add another dog to the crew.

    4. rubyrose*

      I remember the anticipation right before I got mine two years ago! Congratulations.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      She’s home. I feel for the foster mom (who has a worsening health issue that made her feel doggie would be better with a younger adopter… but wanted to originally adopt her, so has fostered her for a year). Met her, we both cried. This is a wonderful gift. So doggie is mellow, happy, clean, and no longer as traumatized (hoarder situation).
      She “does” show signs of separation anxiety …. I went out to triple check the fence, and she never left the door I closed, so I am concerned that she won’t do well at all alone. She will be alone for very small chunks of time – 3-4 hours 2x a week – in the next few months, since I primarily can work from home.

      I think the key will be a BIG walk to wear her out, right before I go in for the staff meetings at work. That way, she should sleep most of the time.

      I’d love to post a picture – she is the sweetest white/tan shih tzu. I’ll have to see if I can!

      1. Sunny*

        Congratulations! Our rescue has some level of anxiety, but we didn’t really know that, and when we first brought him home, we gave him the run of the house day/night. Mistake; he started chewing furniture. Got him a crate and he took to it really well — we kept him in during working hours. After a year, he can stay home w/the crate door open, and I’m pretty sure he sleeps in it while we’re away.

        Good luck!

    6. PBJnocrusts*

      This is so lovely to hear- I hope all goes well for your new pooch. I have 3 rescues ;)

  19. matcha123*

    I’ve been living overseas for over a decade. I’d like to make the move back home to the US, but in my mind I need to have a significant financial cushion in order to get through what may be a long period of unemployment.
    My friend and parent think I’m overthinking and that I should just dump my things and move home with what I can carry.

    The concerns they see as overblown are:
    Needing significant savings. My family is not large and not rich. I don’t really have family that can afford to feed me for a significant amount of time.
    I never got a driver’s license when I was in the US because my family couldn’t afford a car. I’d need to learn how to drive and buy a car. Which brings me to my next point…
    Since I’ve been out of the US for so long, I have no credit. Renting an apartment, getting a credit card, leasing a car are all pretty much a no-go for me, unless I have a large amount of cash I can put down. Again, I can’t ask for help from my family.

    Am I overthinking the amount of money I’d need (10 – 20k at least) to take with me, or should I trust that “everything will work out” like my friend and parent think they will?
    For people that have moved back to the US from overseas, or even from one coast to the other, did you have a good amount of savings with you or did you just ditch your stuff and hope everything would work out?

    1. Anonymouse for this*

      I’m in a similar situation – live overseas but thinking of returning back to UK. A few friends have had the same “it’ll be fine you don’t need that much money” mindset. But as far as I’m concerned the dollar amount has to be what works for me. I know how much money I want in my relocation fund – worked out worse case scenario of no job for a year and set up costs of rent/car etc. It’s great that they’re eager to have you back but they’re not the ones that will be living through the stress of relocating with limited money. The one or two people who really wouldn’t let it go I’ve laughingly said if they want to pay for my expenses while I”m out of work then I’ll come straight back and live with/off them indefinitely – which finally stopped the discussion :o)

      1. matcha123*

        This. I told my friend she could pay my expenses and she was sure that I could find a job paying over 80k a year if I just applied myself and looked…

        1. Anonymouse for this*

          Lol – I have same conversation with my mum whenever my returning home comes up. She can’t understand that I will end up having to take a large paycut when I go back to the UK, especially if I don’t want to work in London or another big city. Hence the reason I feel the need to stockpile as much cash as possible to cushion the fall when I return.

          I’m currently trying to figure out any options for working from home – maybe that could be an option that would work for you.

    2. Weegie*

      Hope you don’t mind a reply from someone who moved back to the UK (rather than the US) after a similar length of time working overseas (Asia).

      This was 20 years ago, so adjust the amounts involved for today’s prices, but I returned with the equivalent of about $30,000 in savings. I didn’t need it all immediately – I used about a third of it as a ‘float’ to keep me going while I got started. (I needed the rest a few years later when I fell ill, but that’s another story.)

      Things that helped: I stayed with a relative for the best part of a year until I got a decent job and could get my own place. I didn’t pay rent, but contributed to household costs and paid for my own food. I was also able to get work quickly – it was low-paid temp stuff, but kept me going and meant I just used my savings as a top-up. I lived in a big city and didn’t need a car, so one less expense.

      Yeah, ditch the stuff! I sold or gave away everything except my books, clothes and a few sentimental items – even then, I was surrounded by boxes during my first year home.

      Stuff you might not anticipate: reverse culture shock. It takes a while to get re-established in all ways (work, friends, family, health, life), and I do think a financial cushion helps with this phase. I started mentally and financially preparing for my return roughly 18 months before I made the move, and I’m glad I did. It meant I didn’t ever seriously do the ‘why did I ever come home?’ thing.

      Good luck with whatever you decide!

      1. matcha123*

        It does help, thank you! Based on the replies here, I’ll need about 30k in savings…at the rate I’m going now, I’ll be here another decade!

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Can confirm – we came to the UK with about $30K as well in 2014 and it took us 9 months to get jobs. We used about a third in living costs then (staying with a friend on her floor rent free, going to stay with family in another European country for a few weeks at a time when we needed a break). Then another third getting sorted with rent and start-up costs for a flat. The final third was a cushion that was good to have and went towards paying US-based student loans and some remaining credit card debt.

        We made it through and it was stressful, but I also didn’t anticipate the UK labor market to be this rough at a senior level. Be aware that the economy is starting to stall and it seems like it is taking longer and longer to get jobs again. But I can understand wanting to move home.

        To this point we are looking at moving back to the US in 2021 probably – after the election, after we get citizenship here, and are saving up accordingly, just in case. Hopefully this time we will be able to get jobs before we move back!

    3. Paris-Berlin-Seoul Express*

      I moved back to the US without a job after living in Europe for over 10 years. I had a budget of about 45K. That included shipping my household goods, buying a car for all cash, car insurance, temporary health insurance, and having enough to live on for several months while looking for work and having some money to move to wherever I found a job (I applied US wide). I prepaid my rent for six months to include the deposit. It was pretty nerve racking because it took me more than four months to find a decent job and 5 1/2 months before I started working and I ended up having to move to another state. I think alot depends on where you are planning to move to. If it’s a rural area or suburban area, how would you get around without a car? How would you get to work or interview for jobs? Do you have any health issues that require medication/doctor visits? How would you support yourself while looking for a job? Obviously, some of these concerns are not valid if you’re moving back to a big city because you can use public transportation and you’ll probably will also have an easier time finding work. In the end, it all worked out for me and it was the best decision I ever made from a financial standpoint but it could have ended differently if I hadn’t had that financial cushion. So, I would definitely tell you to listen to what your gut instinct is telling you and don’t listen to your family and friends unless you know that they’re willing and able to support you.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      I’ve done several big moves and money is so very very helpful. Just keep in mind that it’ll be difficult to rent a place without a steady source of income (job). I ran into that problem when I made a move. I second staying with a friend to find your feet and acclimate).

      You’ll find that even having money is no replacement for good credit though. I bought a new car solely based on my credit score – I wasn’t working, had limited money in the bank but my score was 800+

      See if you can get a US based credit card to start your history now while you’re still in the planning phase (look for one with no international fees/conversation charges). Buy small things (if your area allows their use) and pay them off each month. If you cant use one where you live maybe you can set up recurring payments for a friend/family and they pay you back each month. Something small like Netflix/gym membership etc.

      Best of luck whatever you decide!

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      My son had the same no credit, needed a cheaper place to live issues but it was bc he was young, not moving back to the US.

      He got credit like cards from his bank, the kind you put money on and use them for purchases. He did not want store credit cards which also help with credit. It built up his credit fairly quickly.

      He also used roommates.com to find a room in a house that costs him less than half of the cheapest apartment rental in his area and he is really happy there.

      Once he got a job, I cosigned a car loan with him and thatbsolved the car issue (not the learning to drive issue).

      1. fposte*

        When I was building credit, I found a gas card one of the easiest to get. I didn’t have a car, so I just paid for gas in friends’ cars and they paid me back in cash.

    6. Thankful for AAM*

      25 years ago, we (me, spouse, 3 year old child) moved back to the US with 3 suitcases, a few boxes, and about $1,000.

      We were probably a bit foolish but we moved back bc spouse had a job at a uni and we felt the income would get us started. I stayed in another state with my family for 1 month till he found an apartment. He was able to walk or bike to work at first (he had no credit bc not a US citizen at that time and I had no credit bc out of the US and no job). And he had to borrow the apartment first and last from his uni officemate! So glad I was not there to be part of that awkward convo.

      Anyway, it can be done on little money I think!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I had $10k saved up and all debt cleared when I moved from Seattle back home to the Midwest. I wasn’t starting from scratch – I had a car and a planned landing spot and credit and all that jazz – but I wanted to be unemployed for at least the rest of the year (I moved in late May) because I hadn’t been not-working for more than a couple weeks at a time for fifteen years, and I didn’t figure I was going to be in a position to take, and fully enjoy, an extended break like that again. I ended up also getting a small inheritance and taking advantage of that to extend my break and do some traveling, so it ended up being about 18 months before I got back into my career field.

    8. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I’ve had clients who moved to Canada from the U.S., where the issues are very similar. The big ones that come to mind are:

      – Yep, you will have a hard time getting anything on credit, so be prepared to buy things with cash. For a while it will feel like you’re absolutely hemorrhaging cash, even though you know your spending only on essentials.

      – You probably can’t get a “real” credit card right away, so see which bank will give you a secured card: low limit, and you have to pay it off every month. Use it wisely and you’ll start to get offers for credit cards with horrifically high APRs and surprisingly low credit limits, but at least they’ll be “real” credit cards, which you can use wisely to get better offers after your first couple of years.

      – Are you in a country now where a bank can offer an account that holds U.S. dollars? And does that bank have a related U.S. entity? (For U.S.-Canada readers, my clients have used TD Bank and TD Canada Trust, for example.) Even if that’s not your preferred bank for the long term, setting up accounts with them before your move can make it easier to move your non-U.S. savings back to the U.S. after your move.

      – Talk to an accountant and/or tax advisor who is familiar with people moving back to the U.S. so that you don’t inadvertently do something that incurs a huge tax bill for yourself. By the same token, keep paperwork on hand that you will need to prove to your current country that you are no longer resident there after Date X so that you don’t have tax liability there any more.

    9. Overeducated*

      I did this with around $8k in savings and needed maybe $2-3k, but I was in my early 20s and able to live very very cheaply in ways that might not sound so good now:
      -stayed with my family for the first month, ate their food for free while planning to move
      -rented a room in a group apartment that had just been vacated mid-lease, so I didn’t have to put down first and last and also wasn’t tied down when it came time to leave
      -moved somewhere with robust enough public transportation that I didn’t need a car – I could drive but cars are $$$
      -got a part time job ASAP so I wasn’t running through my savings entirely while looking for something better, which was important because the job market was awful and that took forever. This is where most of my money went, offsetting costs in the first 4 months while I only had one part time job.
      -got subsidized health insurance through the state exchange – probably more expensive now since prices rose in the laat few years, but cost me $30/month at the time, with a 2+ month wait for an intake appointment to access any care

      So I think it can be done without much money, but you are right that it may require not having all the things you want to build a life right away, and deciding what lifestyle you can live with is part of figuring out your timing. I think “it will all work out” is a philosophy that requires a support system, compromise, or both. Good luck deciding!

    10. Waffles*

      We (spouse + toddler) moved to Washington DC from overseas and we ended up using about 40k of our savings over 6 months to get settled and pay for our regular living expenses. We didn’t stay with family or friends so were renting straight off. We were moving for a job, but my husband didn’t work for about 6 months. We had to slowly get everything all over again because we had ditched most of is stuff (mattress, cutting boards, sheets, etc), and we did buy a car in cash. You can have a US credit card while living overseas, but we liked putting everything in cash because having credit card debt is stressful for us. I have done this move at other times in my life and spent way less money (living in NYC where I didnt need a car), but moving can cost more than you think, and it is nice to give yourself a cushion.

    11. Traffic_Spiral*

      Credit: Do you have, or can you set up a bank account in the USA? If you can do that first, then you can use it to get a credit card – see if you can get a travel card that doesn’t penalize overseas purchases (capital one’s ‘Venture’ is pretty good). Use the travel card to buy stuff occasionally and always pay it off at the end of the month (set up autopay if you can). that’ll get your credit going. Also, you can stuff money in the USA account as you save up.

      How much money you need:

      That depends on where you (cost of living, relatives) are and how soon you think you could get another job. Personally, I’d over-save. Even after you get your new job, you’re still going to want savings, social security/retirement fund, possibly down payment on a house, etc.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Unfortunately it’s pretty much impossible to open up a bank account in the U.S. without appearing at the bank in person, and showing a U.S. address.

        1. ..Kat..*

          There are banks that are US banks, but are online only. I.e., they do not have any brick and mortar banks that you can walk into.

          1. Glomarization, Esq.*

            You still need a residential address in the U.S. to open even an online-only account with a U.S. bank.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yup, that’s why I asked if she had one or had the ability to open one. Lots of USA expats (your truly included) keep one, and if she’s taking a trip back to visit family any time soon she can go in to a bank and use a parent’s or sibling’s address.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            I wondered this, too. I’m an expat but I never gave up my ties to the US so I still have my bank account, credit cards, drivers license, and address registered at my parents’ house. If you have any of these things currently set up or can get them it will be one less hurdle.

            IIRC you can register to vote in the area you last lived in before moving, so that might be one place to start. I don’t know if that varies by state but you could contact the relevant county clerk’s office.

      2. matcha123*

        I have two credit union accounts. The newest one I opened said that they would give me a credit card after I could show a W2 from a job in the US. Which I don’t have. I don’t want to use a bank like Chase or BoA because I don’t have enough in savings to keep an account open without accruing monthly charges. I have a small amount of money, less than $500, in an account.
        Based on friends that moved back I could be jobless for a few years. My hometown has good transportation, but the outlaying cities don’t. Unfortunately for me, as far as my searches online have shown me there’s not much available for me in my field in my hometown…

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Well, Step 1: save enough to open a BoA checking account. BoA is evil, but they have a decent online banking option, and don’t panic every time you send in some instructions from overseas.

    12. Movin’ Movin’*

      So we made the move back to the U.S. last year after living in Japan for about 15 years, and I can completely sympathize with the anxiety around savings and logistics with the move.

      I think there are so many different factors (# of family members, lifestyle choices, where you are moving to in the U.S., etc), it’s hard to say how much savings is needed. I’m sure there are ways to do the move with minimal savings, but overall having more money makes it less stressful, and regardless of whether others say you can do it with less, if you would feel more secure doing it with more savings it may be better for your own mental health to spend a bit of time saving and planning before moving back. Personally for us, we discussed/planned for about 18 months before coming back which allowed us time to financially (and mentally) plan for the move back home.

      I think you are coming from Japan, so hopefully this is a relevant (if not – apologies!). There may some sources of money you haven’t factored in (or maybe you have!) that will be helpful with the move.
      – Given we were foreigners living in Japan, we had to have 4 months of rent as a rental deposit so that was nice to get back (most of it). Rent and our deposit in Japan was more expensive than in the U.S. so that money went a bit further.
      – You need to file your taxes before leaving the country. We received a tax refund after filing given we were leaving mid year.
      – You say you’ve been there 10 years – I am not sure for how much of that time you paid into their pension versus U.S. Social Security. If less than 10 years, you could consider receiving a (partial) lump sum payment. But I believe this will negate any reciprocity agreement between the U.S. and Japan governments that you can apply for when reaching retirement age so you need to consider carefully given your circumstances. Any lump payment would be paid AFTER leaving Japan.
      – We sold a bunch of our stuff so that was some help (although minimal).

      Moving stuff overseas is very expensive! That being said I am not entirely convinced that selling everything, moving and then having to buy new stuff in the new location is really significantly cheaper. We moved maybe half (or less) of our furniture, so after moving we had to buy a new sofa, TV, a bed for our child, mattresses, dressers, etc. None of that stuff is particularly cheap and it really added up. This of course depends a bit on where you get it – so if Craig’s List, IKEA, recycle lists, etc are options – that will greatly help. So my general advice would be to move the stuff you need and would use, and be ruthless in getting rid of the things you don’t need.

      I think some of the other advice about trying to build up credit in the U.S. beforehand is also a really good idea.

      1. matcha123*

        Yes, I am in Japan! I’ve been paying into the pension here for all the time I’ve been working, which is over 10 years. My friend is adamant that taking the delayed tax refund of max. 3 years is better than keeping the money in pension. I think it’s better to let the money sit. I only need to work about 3 or 4 more years in the US to be eligible for SS here, too.
        Thank you, I don’t have a huge amount of stuff. I ended up selling and throwing away a lot of things a few years ago when I moved within Japan. And tossing good work clothes and books that I use for work/study doesn’t make sense to me.

        My friend is perhaps a bit naive, imo, because she’s always had a large family to fall back on and they are well-off. My parent is fine living in poverty as long as a family member is close-by. My friend has been berating me for years about my lack of motivation towards moving back while completely dismissing my concerns are overblown. Reading through the comments, I’m glad that I’m on the right track.

        1. ADHDAnon*

          The Wirecutter (product review website, owned by NY Times Corp) has a series of articles around building credit, including for people new to the US. I know you’re not exactly new, but the info is probably similarly. Might be worth looking at- their product reviews and are fantastic, I’d imagine their financial stuff is too.

    13. ..Kat..*

      People who aren’t doing the actual work and taking the actual risks and living with the actual consequences (like your parent and friend) can be overly optimistic about what is needed. But, since they will not be the ones to suffer anything if they are wrong, I think you should listen to your gut. Plus, I think you are wise to prepare a financial cushion. From what you say, your friend and parent won’t be stepping up to help you out if they are wrong.

      Good luck moving back to the US. Do you plan to move near your parent and friend? Or are you looking for a new place to experience?

      1. matcha123*

        Ideally I’d find a place in a larger city like Chicago or NYC that have companies that would hopefully be in need of my skillset. Realistically, my a smaller city in my home state or another smaller state might be the best options (hence the need for a car and driver’s license).

    14. Minocho*

      When I came back to the States after two years in Japan, I had $4000, and my parents let me live with them for a few months. I used the money to buy a used car, and finding a job took about 9 months (and it wasn’t an awesome job then). You should listen to what your brain is telling you, because it makes sense to me, and it will make you feel more comfortable and confident when you come back. Confidence and comfort will be huge helps when you’re interviewing for employment!

      How nice it is to know you family would love to have you back sooner rather than later! Enjoy that knowledge, let them know how much you love them, and do it the way that will work for you!

  20. Orange You Glad*

    My neighbors got a puppy that cries all day long while they are gone. I’m not a “dog person” so I’m wondering how long until it grows out of this behavior?

    This will stop at some point, right?!

    (Not a dog person meaning I wasn’t raised with dogs, never had one myself, and have a slight allergy so I mostly avoid them.)

    I’m self employed and work 100% from home and the crying is both heartbreaking because it sounds so sad by itself & obnoxious because it’s loud.

    We’re in an apartment building and they are the floor below me.

    1. Wren*

      You should let them know! Happily and neighborly but they really may have no idea that the pup cries all day. It’s not good for the pup.

      They will often not grow out of it without training, so you want them aware and working on it now.

    2. Venus*

      They don’t grow out of it. Suggest they get distractions for the dog, specifically a kong to freeze kibble and treats in it. Dogs often do well with crate training (this needs actual training to make it a safe space). This is why dogs in apartments can be difficult (many are fine, but it only takes one noisy one to cause a lot of problems… )

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It can stop, but only if they take steps to fix it… and they won’t know they have to fix it unless you tell them. :) The crying is likely separation anxiety and (if they’re good dog owners) there are a few things they can do. If you know them, speak to them in person, but if not, a kind note “from the neighbor upstairs” is ok. Just tell them you want to make them aware that the puppy cries all day, and while it does bother you, you’re more concerned for the puppy than anything else.

      Our dog had separation issues when we first brought him home; he would bark and cry when we left. Thankfully, it only lasted for a few minutes, but our neighbors were very kind about it and we felt that some trial-and-error was ok.

    4. No fan of Chaos*

      There is a device on Amazon for bark control that looks like a little cottage. It eats batteries but the one that looks like an egg eats more and is not as effective. Put it on the bare floor and turn the adjustment to high. I can’t hear the tone but the dog does. I used it when a neighbor moved in and the dog cried loudly from 4-6pm. Occasionally the dog would bark once to see if the tone was still set. Saved my sanity and I was in control.

      1. roger 1*

        Thats horrible. You should speak to the neighbor and not punish their dog. Would you hit someone else kids? You should be ashamed that you did this.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Let them know (nicely)! I had a similar problem with my neighbor, who had just gotten a new puppy. She didn’t cry or bark when they were in the house but as soon as they left she started. The neighbor was trying to kennel train her and she didn’t like it at all. But she ended up getting a bigger kennel and putting both her dogs there together when they went out, and that seems to have solved the problem. Maybe your dog is bored or scared, and something like different toys, a radio on in the background, etc. would help. My neighbor was very nice about it and and thanked me for letting her know that her dog was in distress.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      You could suggest leaving a radio playing softly. You might get lucky and have that work.

    7. ..Kat..*

      That is too long for a puppy to be alone. Can you suggest that they get a midday dog walker?

    8. Batgirl*

      My neighbour’s dog cried well into old age because they never took any action to stop it.

  21. Mom Waiting*

    We’re waiting for two life changing letters at the moment. One with the date for one child’s (minor but important) surgery, and one telling us whether or not another child has a place at the prestigious school that will really suit him. It feels like life is on hold, but of course daily life has to go on.

  22. Cows go moo*

    I am having a mental health break down. I’m in a fortunate situation where I can take a few days off work but I judge myself for it. I feel like I am being weak and pathetic and the voice inside my head keeps saying “this is stupid, you can’t even handle this? What’s wrong with you? Suck it up.”

    I have no energy to be patient. I spent the last couple of days in bed sleeping and playing games on my phone. My home is a mess and my in laws have been bringing food over because I can’t be bothered cooking. I feel pathetic.

    (Not looking to get advice about long term treatment, just venting about my own feelings of guilt)

    1. Novocastriart*

      I’m glad you’re taking time to look after yourself and that your in-laws are bringing food. You’re not pathetic. All the best to you, I hope you are able to to regroup and restore x

    2. Lena Clare*

      Here in sympathy with you! Just been off work with a major bout of it.
      My meds are finally kicking in I think, at least I feel slightly better but that might be because the side effects are wearing off.
      Fuck feeling guilty. Seriously. I hope you feel better soon.
      Jedi hugs.

    3. LGC*

      I’m really sorry!

      I’m not sure how much this will help, but even by recognizing what you’re going through and taking steps to combat it, you’re not weak and pathetic. And I’ll admit, this is something that people say OFTEN in response to people having mental health issues, but…okay, so your home is a mess, your inlaws are cooking for you, and you’re thinking of taking a mental health week. But also, it sounds like this is all just temporary.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Would you feel this way about yourself if you were physically ill, no energy, no patience, didn’t feel like cooking, house a mess, lying in bed, playing on your phone? You might just think you needed to rest and take care of yourself! So do the same now, rest and take care of yourself, and also realize that the guilt you feel is a part of the mental health breakdown, not a result of it! Hang in there.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I can relate. Every time I have a depressive episode I seem to berate myself a lot for feeling bad when there is nothing actually wrong in my life. Usually it goes away after a few days but sometimes I have to write my feelings out, including all of the self-hating bullsh*t, and then I feel better. Almost like mental vomiting? It’s weird but definitely a pattern for me.

    6. Not A Manager*

      If your friend called and told you all of this, what would you say? I bet you wouldn’t judge your friend or say mean things to them. You are taking steps to care for your own health. Please talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend that you love.

      1. Blarg*

        Yup, my psychiatrist once told me to be as kind to myself as I am to my friends. And that framing really helped me. I still feel guilty when I take care of myself sometimes, but I also somehow manage to feel guilty when I don’t feel guilty enough. Which is impressive. ;) Most importantly, perhaps, is that you cannot care for others (or do your job well) if you aren’t taking care of yourself. So by prioritizing your health, you are, in fact, prioritizing your commitments and obligations. Much support in whatever way you need it (cheerleading, empathy, etc).

    7. Claire*

      OF COURSE YOU ARE BECAUSE KITTENS!!

      One thing I remember from their kitten days is that both went through a daily bonkers hour. As in, bouncing around the house like wild things, after which they dropped dead to sleep. Kinda like toddlers.

    8. Jane of all Trades*

      I commend you for admitting that you need a few days and following through. If a good friend of yours were in that situation, you probably wouldn’t judge them for taking a few days to take care of themselves, right? And if you were physically unwell, rather than mentally unwell, it would be entirely normal to stay home and take care of yourself until you feel better. Feeling unwell mentally, as opposed to physically, is no less real, and you deserve to take care of yourself.
      I understand that feeling though. My job is ridiculously stressful, and I have had to take a day, or even just an evening off to feel a little better. Admitting to myself that I needed that was hard, because I somehow felt weaker for it. But it was necessary and needing a break sometimes is not weakness. I hope you feel better soon and are kind to yourself!

    9. knitter*

      I totally get it–I had a rough Winter with mental health. When I came out of it and could see clearly, while there were things I could have done differently, overall I was just shocked by how much energy it took to do basic things. I couldn’t have done more. Now I can, but looking back, I’m still floored by how different I feel now and how much easier things are just because whatever is going on in my brain is different now. Feeling better now makes it more clear how much my brain was making life challenging for me. It wasn’t clear when I was in it.

    10. PBJnocrusts*

      Same here Cows, same here. I’m sorry this post is not a supportive one – just to say I hear you! Please let things improve for us both. Ready to throw myself in front of a train right now.

  23. Sam Sepiol*

    Is anyone watching/has anyone watched Good Omens?

    I’ve got 2 left to watch but I’ve read the book… shall we keep the discussion spoiler-light? I don’t know how much it diverges from the book.

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      (I absolutely love how Aziraphale and Crowley interact. I also have a raging crush on Crowley.)

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I love David Tennant and try to follow all his roles. He’s playing Crowley much like he did in Fright Night, in a very sexy/dangerous Rock Star manner and look. Though a couple of times I thought he looked a bit like Geddy Lee from Rush LOL!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I haven’t watched it yet. I read the book a million years ago but remember pretty much nothing about it, trying to decide if I should reread it before or after watching. My husband, who is a huge Pratchett nut, blew through the whole thing in one sitting and really enjoyed it, and I’ve heard good things from other friends who have watched it.

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        I’ve seen the ads and have been thinking about making the plunge. The cast appears to be top notch. Between this, Chernobyl, new seasons of Black Mirror and Designated Survivor I’ve got some tough choices to make on what to watch next. Thanks for the reminder!

      2. Sam Sepiol*

        Oooh I’ve read the book about a million times and know sections off by heart. I might suggest watching before re-reading if you don’t remember the book very well. I can’t wait to watch the last two tonight!

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m 2 episodes in and read the book way back when it first came out.
      One thing I love about the internet is reading authors social media posts in the gaps between new books. Neil Gaiman’s posts during the filming of American Gods and Good Omens were a blast. Apparently they got some really weird storm cloud skies when filming an oncoming apocalypse or battle (now I can’t remember which show) so no special effects were needed for that scene!
      And may I just say, Good Omens could be a gold mine of kitten names.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Oh my good God you’re right about the names. I had one in mind but I might save that for a future kitten!!

    4. Lady Alys*

      I’ve read the book somewhat recently (within the past year) and seen all the episodes now. I really enjoyed it; the casting was fabulous and the Crowley/Aziraphael relationship is adorable. They did cut some characters, and I would say that they didn’t spend as much time on the kids as the book does, but it still works.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m finding it fairly faithful to the book, aside from the addition of a few characters and fleshed-our backstory of Aziraphale and Crowley. The important parts are there (Crowley and his plants, for example).

      I’m really enjoying it! The casting is perfect, and I like the voiceover by God.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      Just started watching it last night (3 episodes in) and it’s totally funny. I’ve read the book, but it was so long ago I don’t remember much other than the main plot, so I think that’s a plus to rediscovering it. The show looks gorgeous and extremely well cast with many little surprise appearances.
      And who the heck doesn’t LOVE Tennant & Sheen!

    7. Anathema Device*

      It’s too long since I read the book so I don’t remember, but the tv series was SO GOOD.

    9. Traffic_Spiral*

      I was annoyed that they made Anathema/Newton into the standard ‘Hot Girl/Schlub Guy’ thing – either make both of them hot or keep both of them average but I liked all the other casting choices.

      Gabriel was a nice addition – his whole ‘I wish to purchase some pornography’ bit was hilarious.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        How funny…I actually found Newton adorable. The Dr. Who tie might have triggered me. :)

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, he can manage ‘adorkable’ but then they should have given her the same treatment. ‘Adorkable guy/supermodel girl’ is still a painfully overdone trope.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I’ll wait until I get farther…because as of episode 2 she’s not seeming very supermodel in thick black glasses and heavy wool to the wrists & ankles.
            And I’ll be watching today I hope because I just learned my husband Binger w as the the rest without me. (Amazon Prime is a tattletale. )

    10. Karen from Finance*

      I was waiting for this series for so long. Passively waiting for it for years, actively waiting for it for months. Good Omens was the first book I ever read by Gaiman or Pratchett, and it was the beginning of an obsession for me. I wanted to love the series so so much. But it was merely good.

      What I loved most was Crowley and Aziraphael, they honestly couldn’t have cast them better. What I didn’t love was too much narration, too much exposition, which I understand was done to preserve parts of the book but it got annoying and affected the pace.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Did anyone catch the twitter thread on @NeilHimself where a white supremacist wrote in sputtering? He hated that Adam&Eve were white and/or God’s voiceover being female. I saw it in real time and almost wish I had taken some screenshots — the account has since been shut down by Twitter, so all you see is replies by @NeilHimself and the commentariat.
      https://mobile.twitter.com/neilhimself/status/1135012833035468801

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        My only problem with Adam & Eve was that he had a shaved head. I mean, it looked good on him, but where TF were they getting razors in Eden?

        Also yes, the wailing of white supremacists was lovely.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Lol good point — I figure a few days after creation he just hadn’t grown much yet. But then Eve would have been bald too.

    13. noahwynn*

      I saw a preview for this on Friday at the movie theatre when I went to finally see the newest Avengers movie. I was in Florida for a work trip and had nothing to do and there was a huge mall right across from my hotel, so I figured might as well see a movie.

      Anyways, it looks really good and is on my list to watch once I finally catch up on Handmaid’s Tale.

    14. Dusty Bunny*

      Binge watched all 6 episodes last weekend. Never read the book, so I had no expectations for it, and I thoroughly enjoyed the series. I suspect the amount of narration is for those of us who have not read the book. I feel like I should have known/admired Michael Sheen before this, but he’s on my radar now!

  24. Sam Sepiol*

    Also: I am getting kittens. Hopefully tomorrow. I’ve never had animals before. I am really nervous but SO VERY EXCITED. I think it will be really good for both me and the kid, and I hope we can give them both a really good, happy life.

    1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

      Yay kittens! All the best with your furry new arrivals. If you’ve never had animals before, the best tip I can give you (especially with cats), is give them space and let them set boundaries. Not sure how old your kid is, but make sure they know that as well. I have three semi feral cats. Two of the girls were untouchable for the first few months and now they’ve had the time to adjust, they’re like utterly different cats, had we rushed it, might not have happened.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Yes the kid is 8 and he’s aware of this, but I think will need lots of reminders. They are coming tomorrow while he’s at his dad’s house which will hopefully help.
        I’m all in favour of respecting boundaries :)

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Also, begin as you mean to go on. Especially if they’re literal kittens and not the way my 11 year old bloodhound is my puppy. :) what I mean by that is – if you don’t want them doing x as adults, don’t let them (and especially don’t encourage them) to do x as babies. For me, I don’t want them on my kitchen counters or tables, so they have never been allowed up there, even when they were three months old and it was cute. Perhaps more importantly, if you don’t want them chewing on you to play as adults, don’t let them do it as babies, even when they’re wee and adorable and “aw look at who’s the big froshus tiger, gonna gnaw my toes off!” If you don’t want to find yourself hounded out of bed at 3am to fill a food bowl with one square inch of its bottom showing when they’re adults … you get the idea. :) baby animals have this ability to make the most annoying behaviors super cute, and I joke that that’s how they survive to become adults, but when they’re adults it’s not super cute anymore. Heh.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Also, I believe I have read (and my personal experience supports, but anecdata, etc) that catnip isn’t particularly effective on cats until they’re a year or two old, so save the drugs until they’re older. Developing brains, you know. :)

        But when they’re older, knowing their reaction to it can be useful. My housemate’s cats are total stoners and will just loll around counting the stars or something, so if we need to make sure they’re out of the way, a couple quick squirts of catnip spray on their mat will keep them occupied for hours, but my husband’s cats get excited and loud when they’re on ‘nip, so they only get it in the mornings so they calm down and quit screaming for the revolution by the time I’m going to bed.

      2. Sam Sepiol*

        They are literal kittens yes :) that’s really good advice, thank you. It’s how I’ve tried to be with the kid – modelling good boundaries and mutual respect so hopefully that will stand me on good stead. Hopefully!!

        Thanks for the catnip tips too!

      3. Animal worker*

        Setting the ground rules for behavior with young animals as you want them to behave as an adult is such good advice for any pet! I just adopted a young cat (~1 1/2 years) a week ago and we are currently negotiating these parameters right now. She was playing/grabbing/chewing very gently but then it started getting more and more frequent and I realized I wasn’t setting clear boundaries. Understanding that she could do it sometimes if gentle was too vague, especially as it’s all so new, so I’ve now switched to the black and white of no chewing on mom but here’s a plush toy to grab and play rough with. Have fun!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I adopted my younger dog at 8 weeks old, and from the get-go, I didn’t let her lick me in the face. My now-husband, on the other hand, would lay down on the floor when he got home from work and let her go to town. She is now almost five, and the most I get is the occasional tiny nose lick if I literally stick my face up to hers when she’s sleepy, but my husband still regularly gets his face washed any time it’s in reach. He doesn’t complain, because that’s basically what he taught her to do as a baby, but now he gets why I was such a stickler for it :)

      4. Minocho*

        Another thing about starting as you plan to keep on – get them used to hygiene tasks. If you plan to bathe them, start now. Get them used to being brushed. Clip their little claws so they get used to having their paws handled. When it’s done, give them a treat to help them associate positive things with these little annoying tasks.

    4. Turtlewings*

      Animals are WONDERFUL, but if you’ve never had them before I want to make sure you’re prepared for the fact that they are also a massive pain! You will now have multiple infants in your home, and they are only somewhat less trouble than human infants. They will impact more of your options and activities than you think, cause more destruction and mess than you think, and will definitely cost more than you think. I recently saw kittens described as “screaming barbed wire on crack.” They’re very rewarding!!! But they are also a ton of work and inconvenience. Be braced for that. Many (most?) people find them to be worth it, but it’s possible you will decide pet ownership is not for you! Since you have a kid, you may find it easier to adjust — as a single person accustomed to looking out for myself only, it took awhile for me to adjust to needing to always look out for my dog’s needs first, because she can’t do it herself.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Thank you for the warning :) I’m braced!
        I think it will do the kid good to have something else living in the house that he needs to look after (although I’m under no illusions about that; I’m well aware that I’ll be doing the work!) and since I left the ex about 18 months ago I’m very lost when the kid is with his dad. I think it’ll do me the world of good to have something to look after although I’m sure it’ll also be exhausting <3

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Pets are a great investment. Decades ago I think I saw a study that talked about pets helping us stay healthier.

          I had a friend who got a small dog for her son. The idea being she was a single mom on her own and she wanted something that would give her son incentive to come home rather than run with the fast crowd from school. He was around 10 or so and her idea really helped. He was interested in the animal and he did rush home from school to see the dog. They went for walks and played together. She blew bucks she could not really afford, but in the end the dog was a priceless addition to her family. And the two of them learned about pets together.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Liquids to stock up on: Nature’s Miracle for potty accidents, bitter apple spray to deter chewing (on cords and whatnot), possibly an anti-scratch spray. The one I have is really nice, I think it’s rosemary and lemongrass? Cats are generally deterred by citrus scents.

      Make sure you have something solid they can scratch on. For now, the cheap cardboard type will work until you figure out whether they prefer vertical or horizontal surfaces (cats do have preferences – husband’s cats like vertical, housemate’s like horizontal), then once you figure that out you can get something a little more permanent – but if they don’t have a good place to scratch (and even sometimes if they do) they will find one, and it will almost certainly be your nicest or most expensive piece of furniture. (Or, if you rent, something that isn’t yours. I once lost a security deposit because my cat had scratched his way almost through a 1.5” thick wood closet door from the inside.)

      Plants! If you have house plants, they will probably be at risk of chewing – move them to be inaccessible as best you can, and look them up to find out whether they’re hazardous to kittens if they do get chewed on. Other things the cats in my house or of my acquaintance like to chew on: plastic bags, bread, cardboard. I don’t even KNOW. My housemate’s cat is more a hazard to his plate of food at dinner time than the dogs are, she once stole an entire wing from KFC.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        Sticky tape! Either the sticky tape they sell for cat discipline (expensive) or just a roll of wide masking tape (roll the ends back onto themselves and you can stick it sticky side up.)

        My fishtank lid is covered in sticky-side-up masking tape, and so are our night tables. (Someone figured out that tipping over a water glass is a guaranteed way to wake up the hoomans.) She’s 2 and periodically sticks a paw on the night table to see if it’s still sticky, so I can’t get rid of it anytime soon.

        1. Windchime*

          I love the double-sided sticky tape. I got the actual stuff from the pet store and put it on all corners of my upholstered furniture. My then-kitten tried scratching just a couple of times but was quickly put off by the stickiness. Of course, he had a couple of other scratching posts, and I told him he was a good boy every time he scratched there. Seven years later and he has never scratched the furniture.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        It is. They are beautiful and I’m in love and they are exploring the room as I write <3 I'll figure out pics for next weekend!

  25. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    Hi.

    I just got out of the hospital, got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. It was so bad they had to keep me for a week to find a treatment that would work, possibly without insulin (not a matter of cost but they knew I’d have a hard time) .

    It feels WEIRD. I knew it was coming eventually, but it still came with a shock and while I know this was a wake up call I needed, amongst others, it’s bizarre. Because while I was there, I also saw a psychiatrist, who did confirm that everything pointed to me suffering from high functioning depression, too.

    Oh well, life is probably going to get better I guess! Mom and I are trying to rent a house together, as she needs to move urgently. We’re getting there… so my dream of having MY OWN DOG might come true as well!

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      That’s a lot of changes at once!
      Since you’re looking for a dog… consider if there’s any chance of getting a diabetes alert dog. Yes, trained to detect low blood sugar episodes. Here in the US they’re extremely expensive, but maybe France is different. And if nothing else, you could focus on getting an intelligent & calm dog and try training her in that yourself using materials online. Even if she couldn’t travel with you everywhere. A friend has a formally trained service dog that alerts for seizures & low blood sugar.

    2. fposte*

      Sandrine! I feel like I haven’t seen you around here in ages. I’m sorry it’s for bad news, but it sounds like you’re going to get good treatment; treated depression, managed diabetes, and a new dog would be great things to have.

    3. Belle di Vedremo*

      Salut Sandrine! It’s good to see you here. I hope you find a house soon, that it’s not long before you have your dog, and that things continue looking up. Please check in with us sometimes. Meilleurs voeux.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      There you are! I am glad to see you back!

      I am sorry about your diabetes diagnosis but I am glad you are getting help. I hope with getting your blood sugar under control helps with other stuff. Dragging our bodies through the day is a quality of life issue.

      And YEA! dog! Oh that will be fun. I hope you guys have a place soon. Let us know how you are doing.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Just wanted to say – sounds like you are on the right track, information you can work with,and the dog and new house to look forward to. (Just got a dog, further up thread). Life changing for me, so… I’ll be over here rooting for you!!

      1. SandrineSmiles (France)*

        I’m replying to all of you here: thank you for your kind messages! I’m having a hard time adjusting, but I’ll be okay in the end, which is what matters.

        <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  26. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Today there are so many things happening in the region that I’m almost glad I have reasons to stay home and do chores. Last chance for my middleschooler to do some overdue hw assignments so she doesn’t get a D in a class she’s gotten A’s in. Next year we requested her non-electives be scheduled in the morning!

    1. MatKnifeNinja*

      I hate when schools schedule required to graduate classes after lunch.

      My niece has history, biology and math all after lunch. All three classes are Lords of the Flies, and these are honors courses.

      I hope things calm down in 10th grade.

      Teachers have asked for what you want for your daughter, but it comes at the expense of electives.

      Finals this week, then FREEDOM!

  27. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I’m in the middle of exams so not a lot of writing for me, apart for some worldbuilding.

    1. Julia*

      I’m staring to think that what I planned as a fantasy series in three parts doesn’t work because I’m terrible at coming up with fantasy plots, but I could write it anway as a contemporary YA standalone novel. I’m not sure I want to do that, but I also don’t want to be that “writer” who never writes because she gets stuck in planning…

        1. Julia*

          I agree, but this was supposed to be fantasy and the standalone wouldn’t be, and that means a LOT of changes and cuts.

            1. Julia*

              I am not expressing myself well. I have to cut out the fantasy elements because they don’t work, so the standalone thing isn’t the issue, it’s losing the fantasy stuff that bothers me.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Yeah, I know the feeling. Honestly that just happens sometimes, something ends up working way better in a completely different form than imagined at first (to use a gaming example: Fortnite is probably one of the most genius genre switcheroos I have ever seen).

    2. Turtlewings*

      I should almost certainly be working on the novel manuscript revisions that are due back to the editor in two weeks, but it’s been over a month since I updated my fanfic sooo I’m doing that instead today, and no one can stop me.

    3. Claire*

      I complete failed to make any progress with the pirate novel. But at my agent’s request, I have reworked the synopsis and chapters for a third Janet Watson novel to make it more standalone.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Syill, congrats on the works you did get done! Hope the pirate novel goes better in the future!

        1. Claire*

          Thanks! I am getting a clearer picture of what the pirate novel needs, so that’s good.

    4. Karen from Finance*

      Hi. I haven’t written in years, but I used to do a lot of writing that was very personal, mostly nonfiction essay-type things and poetry.

      This week I went into the archives and found one of the last things I’ve ever written, a poem/rant after the Orlando Pulse shooting. I remember writing that in a rage at something someone in particular had said to me, but now 3 years later I read my own text and was moved to tears.

      I had stopped writing because I didn’t think I had anything to say, but now I don’t think that’s true.

      If I decided to go back to writing, what do you think would be the best way? I don’t think my old way of just writing about whatever was making me angry that day is healthy for me anymore.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oof, that’s a tough one.
        I always recommend taking a few minutes out of your day every day (preferably at around the same time) to sit down and just write – wether it be a journal, a short poem, do some worldbuilding, etc. As for what you can use for inspiration, is there anything you are particularly passionate about? This doesn’t have to be anything as tragic as the Orlando Pulse shooting, but maybe a hobby, or your pet, or a desire for a better climate, or…Literally whatever.
        I do believe the writing every day is the most important part though – even when you don’t feel like you have anything to say, even if you feel like it’s becoming a chore, the most important part is sticking to it. Maybe find some local writing competitions to submit to so you have a clear goal and deadline.
        I know I’m kinda late but if anyone else has any other suggestions they’d like to chime in with, feel free.

        1. Claire*

          I’d say picking a goal that you control is good. Aim for 15 minutes, or 100 words. Pick a topic that you care about. Writing every day can be helpful, but if life intervenes, don’t beat yourself up when you can’t.

  28. LivingMyLife*

    My husband and I are considering relocating to Tucson, AZ. I will be applying to work at Univ. of AZ. Tucson is our first choice, but we are open to consider Phoenix. Are there any AZ people here? Do you have any recommendations?

    1. VlookupsAreMyLife*

      Hey Living! My entire family relocated to metro PHX right after I graduated high school & I lived there for 18 years. One of my younger sisters moved to Tucson when she got married & lived there for 10-ish years. We both left AZ in 2014, so more recent changes are harder to speak to.

      The 2 cities are very different, IMO. Tucson is more of a college town with a lot of nature/environmental enthusiasts and is huge in science-based industries, including defense contracting, aerospace, and medicine.

      We jokingly called Phoenix LA East because of all the SoCal folks that moved over in the early 2000s housing boom. It’s becoming much more diverse than when I first lived there, but still trends more conservative socially & fiscally. Phoenix is more business/corporate focused & is service-industry heavy.

      Both cities are HUGE in terms of overall land area. Public transportation is impractical once you get outside the university footprint. Don’t let the “light rail” promise fool you – it services the Phoenix-Tempe main corridor & that’s pretty much it.

      Housing in AZ is pretty much the cheapest I’ve found anywhere, if you’re in the burbs. Property taxes are so low that rentals are plentiful.

      I absolutely loved living in PHX. Let me know if there’s specifics I can speak to.

    2. Book Lover*

      Tucson is really nice if you prefer a smaller/college town type of feeling along with still having good restaurants. Slightly cooler than Phoenix.

      That said, Phoenix is a sprawling city of suburbs so you can find what you want – Tempe is college town-like, Scottsdale and Paradise Valley a bit more upscale, Chandler and Gilbert family friendly….

      1. Irene*

        LOVE Tucson. Especially around UofA.
        I never cared for Phoenix. It just always felt like one giant sprawl that lacked the character of Tucson.
        If you do end up in Tucson please enjoy the food for me. I miss it terribly.

    3. Samwise*

      Working for a college or university, especially a public university: hiring can take forever, even if they want to hire you. The position has to be approved, it has to be posted, it has to stay posted for X minimum time, search committees may or may not start reviewing applications until after the “apply by” date, very often the members of the search committee are doing the search on top of the regular work, if there is a large number of applications it can take quite awhile to do the initial review, then there may be a round of phone interviews, then there will be a round of in person interviews, then the committtee has to meet and they may not have the power to decide on who to hire, so then the hiring officer has to make the decision, references have to be cintacted, the decision has to be ok’d by HR before the offer is made. At every step there is also paperwork for the committee/dept/hiring office to complete.

      And at every step something can go awry.

      I would look to see what other higher ed institutions you could apply to and also, do you need to work at a college or university? (Maybe yes because of the kind of work you do/want to do, or maybe there is some other reason?). I’ve spent most of my career working for colleges or universities and there are many things that are good about them as workplaces— but be hard headed about it!

    4. noahwynn*

      I grew up in Phoenix and lots of my family still lives there. If I ever found a job in my field there I’d move back in a heartbeat. I also loved visiting the mountain areas during the summer, and it was only a 2 hour drive for some amazing weekend getaways from the summer heat.

      It is definitely warm in the summer, but once the sun goes down it cools off. Even when it is super hot the dry heat thing is true and it doesn’t feel as bad as it did when I lived in North Carolina. The winters are amazing. Lots of outdoor activities in both metros.

      Tucson is definitely a smaller city than Phoenix, but both keep spreading out more and more. I know people do it, but I would not want to commute between Phoenix and Tucson daily. I grew up in Tempe and like that area, especially some of the older neighborhoods, but I don’t know Tucson as well.

  29. Vendelle*

    I’m doing my very last round of ivf and literally EVERYTHING has been a total mindf*ck for us. We had hoped to have multiple chances, but in the end we only had 1 embryo. Embryo was looking great but the appointment to put it into my womb was terrible (won’t go into details, bit it was traumatic). Eventually it worked, they put the thing into my womb. Now, two weeks later, I have done a pregnancy test and the result is…. Unclear. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this weekend. I already emailed my fertility doctor (clinic can’t be called during the weekend), but of course every office in my country is closed Monday because of Whitsun. How do you keep yourself calm for 3 more days at the end of a more than 10 year fertility journey? Please tell me, because I really don’t know whether I’m coming or going at this point…

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      Sending you good thoughts!

      I dont know how to help but wanted you to know I was thinking of you! Infertility is hard!

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Sending you Internet Hugs.
      Try distraction. What do you REALLY enjoy? Get that book, watch that movie, go eat out. Whatever you’re feeling like. The state you’re in is temporary. Some people would dive deeply into the feelings for awhile as a way to manage. Hope you have good news soon.

    3. LibbyG*

      The waiting is the worst! Especially, post-transfer. And especially on the heels of such difficult experiences (and so many of them).

      I don’t have any inspirational ideas for how to get through the next three days, but here are my warmest wishes for brighter days ahead. I hope whatever path you embark upon next week feels good for you and your family.

    4. Book Lover*

      I’m sorry that this has been such a long and difficult experience. I hope the results are positive.

      1. Book Lover*

        Oh, and I don’t know that this is the right choice for you, but I assume and plan for a negative outcome and move ahead as though that has happened…. And try to stay busy – book I have been waiting for, etc.

    5. I don’t post often*

      The waiting is terrible. I never did IVF but my doc refused to do blood work to confirm until week 7 unless there was an issue. How about a movie marathon? I really hope this cycle works for you.

    6. Quandong*

      I’m sorry, these times of uncertainty can be surreal and intense in strange ways. My advice is to remind yourself that you won’t feel this way forever, and lean on your partner.

      Use any tools at your disposal e.g. distraction, sleeping, getting out into nature, mindfulness meditation if it works for you. Talk online with other people who are in a similar situation, or mentors if you have them. Utilize helplines if you are experiencing distress and you need to talk to somebody who isn’t your partner.

      Personally I strongly recommend going to therapy if you aren’t already doing so. No matter what the outcome of one’s long IVF journey, it’s a stressful one, with so very much impact on one’s life. For me, therapy was an integral part of processing what happened during and after fertility treatments.

      Sending hugs if you’d like them. You will get through this to the other side.

  30. Applesauce*

    Does anybody have any tips for staying up late while sober? On weekdays I typically go to bed at 9-9:30 pm and get up at 5 am for work. I love this schedule as I’m naturally a morning person. The only problem is that most of my friends are not and most of my socializing on weekends happens after 11 pm and involves drinking. I recently started a new medication that has bad interactions with alcohol so I’ve had to quit drinking, which I don’t mind as I’ve been trying to drink less lately for health reasons anyways. I don’t mind being sober while my friends drink so I have tried going to parties and events and drinking ginger ale or club soda but I really, really struggle to stay awake. I often find myself falling asleep before the party even starts or being grumpy and tired and wanting to leave and go to bed as soon as I get there. I never had this problem when I was drinking. Should I just start drinking coffee instead of soda? Is there anything else I can do, short of getting new friends? (If it matters, I’m in my late twenties and I’m the youngest in my friend group by probably 5 years, most are in their 30-40s.)

    1. Lena Clare*

      I don’t know that you can change your body clock other than through sheer force of will.
      I am naturally a late to bed-late to rise person, but even I find social situations tiring so there might be a bit of that going on with you too.
      I no longer drink caffeine as it didn’t agree with me but when I did I found it just made me sleep in the evening and then wide awake at 3 in the morning. You could try it though!

      As for your friends – how about suggesting something to do together that doesn’t involve late nights so that you are able to enjoy it also? If they don’t want to do that then I’m not sure how good of friends they are.

    2. Occasional Baker*

      I’ve never been a drinker of alcohol, so all of my social life has been while sober.
      When you say “after 11” – do you mean things don’t even START until that late? I don’t have any advice for that, because where I live, that would never work, there would be only two hours until last call.
      I have taken a nap, if I knew the plans would be on the later side. At house parties, I’ve even dozed on the couch, if if got later than I was awakeish enough for. ( ex was a HEAVY drinker, so we might often be at a party til 3am) Everyone knew that was my speed. I think they were OK with it, but possibly they just let it go because I was just tagging along with Ex. They were “his friends”. For lots of reasons, I never really made good connections, but that’s ok.
      But if these are your friends, I’d imagine they would be OK if you did that, or left a house party when it worked for you. Events are harder, but since by definition there’s something going on to catch attention, I find those easier to stay awake for. It’s parties that seem trickiest – it’s hard to develop an engrossing conversation with people who are drinking, I think – either they’re getting into focused drinking mode, or SQUIRREL! !!! they’re running off to something else that just caught their attention, lol
      Late coffee upsets my whole system, but I’ve done that in small doses.
      There’s an added bonus of always knowing there can be a sober driver!

    3. gecko*

      Replacing the drug of alcohol might help–like, drinking caffeinated sodas, or using some weed. Using some virgin drink that feels more like A Drink might help to get you in a more energized and loose party mindset.

      In the end you might have to transform some of your nighttime friendships into daytime friendships. No need to get new friends, but you might end up figuring out you just can’t do the nighttime part for a little while. It’s possible this is a transition point in your friendships, which happens inevitably and is not a bad thing.

      Good luck–I hope you find something that works!

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Maybe you need to change your socializing for a little while. Your new medication might be contributing to your new symptoms. Give yourself a temporary break from late nights and “stock up” on sleep. No one is happy when they’re tired. Once you’re rested, you can decide how you want to proceed.
      Wishing you success.

    5. LCL*

      As soon as you get home from work, take a nap. You will wake up around dinner time. Eat then go out.

    8. Karen from Finance*

      Oh I feel you. I rarely get good sleep so I can fall asleep almost anywhere, it’s very inconvenient.

      Diet Coke is one of the most caffeinated sodas out there, which works for me in these situations. Other sodas have caffeine as well, there are websites out there that compare caffeine values in different drinks.

      Try to keep moving, even if you’re sitting change positions a lot.

      Something I do sometimes is go to the restroom and wet my washed hand with cold water, and gently drop a few drops of water into my eye. It sounds very weird but it feels fresh and gives me a gentle nudge to wake up. Also, put my hand wet with cold water on my neck, that always gives me a small jolt.

    10. chi chan*

      Afternoon siestas should let you stay up late. May take a while to develop the habit.

  31. Eleanor Shellstrop*

    I get married in 4 weeks today! I am so excited and nervous (about the day not the actual marriage bit, that bit is a 100% yay).

    1. Cookie Monster*

      Congratulations! I’d love to hear more about the wedding itself if you’re up for talking about it. (Not that I am anywhere close to that day, I just like weddings.)

      1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

        Yes of course! My partner and I have been together for 6 years and we wanted a wedding that was fun. We’re also fairly laid back, so our bridesmaids and groomspeople are wearing whatever they want while myself and my partner match (coordinating suit and dress). Our theme is all of the bright colours and deers. We’re feeding everyone about 5 times because I was worried about people being hungry… During the day we’ve got live music, a photobooth, quiz after dinner.

    2. ATX Language Learner*

      So excited!! I’m getting married in 2 months! V excited as well, although we’re just going to the courthouse then having a hotel pool party with friends in late August :P

      1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

        Congratulations and that’s sounds amazing! I would have loved that, but my partner really wanted to do the traditional wedding and I was ambivalent so happy for him to have that. Pool party sounds like my kinda wedding

    3. Amber Rose*

      I’m excited for you! I was a wreck for like 2 months prior to my wedding because I was so excited I couldn’t sleep, and it ended up being a blast. You’ll have a blast at yours I’m sure.

      1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

        Yes, I have moments like that, and keep having weird dreams about the wedding, like no one showing up and instead a pack of penguins coming.. Unlikely to happen in the UK!

    4. LittleBeans*

      Congratulations! My wedding is in 5 weeks! I might get nervous but I’m not yet. I think it’s because we planned this whole thing in about 4 months, so we have had to keep things relatively simple, and we don’t have time to second guess most of our decisions!

      1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

        Honestly that’s probably why! I think there’s a lot to be said about planning it on a short timescale. Good luck!

      1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

        Thank you and yes, I need to write ” have fun” on a card and keep it on me!

  32. Depression and anxiety getting worse*

    My apartment was burgled last week. Apart from the loss of material possessions (I didn’t own that many valuables anyway) I’m having such a hard time trying to get over the psychological toll.

    An aside: Prior to this I’ve already been dealing with some issues related to anxiety and depression. Part of it was dealing with feelings of isolation as friends drift away to spend more time with partners and/or children. Most of the time I’m okay. I’ve always been introverted, and while I’ve tried to broaden my social circle in the past it’s just difficult when you’re no longer at school or uni to find that connection.

    After this incident my head is so messed up. I wish I had someone I was close enough with who I could ask to come and stay with me for a while. And even more I wish I had a partner who could make me feel safe (I’ve never minded being single before this).

    I’ve done all the things they tell you to when something like this happens: file a report, change all passwords (the only thing they took that really mattered was my laptop), contact financial institutions. My landlord changed all the locks and reinforced the doorframes. I’ve spoken to neighbours about keeping the downstairs door locked properly.

    But I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to stop feeling so vulnerable. I’ve thought about moving, but I don’t know if that’s going to change how I feel. There’s this sense of injustice – I’ve always been so cautious about things like locking doors (but that can’t protect against a weak door frame) yet this happened to me. I’m paranoid about things like getting pickpocketed on the street and losing even more stuff. I’ve also found out how little the police can or will actually do in these cases – which, I understand. Limited resources and much more serious issues they need to deal with. But doesn’t make me feel any better.

    My employer has been really understanding about giving me a few days off, but I really would prefer to get back to work and try to return to normalcy again. But right now I’m so emotionally messed up I don’t know how I’m going to be feeling or how long I’ll be feeling that way.

    Part of me is also annoyed that I feel so strongly about it. I know logically that worse things have happened to better people, and I’m almost embarrassed about feeling so sorry for myself at this point. So that’s another negative emotion to throw into the giant, bundled mess of negative emotions.

    So yeah. I’m a mess. Talking to people helps, but only temporarily. I’ve thought about therapy but in the past (when I sought out professional help for depression/anxiety) it’s only ever made things worse so I don’t want to go there again. I don’t know what I can do to stop feeling this way.

    I just want to go back to my previous mindset. How ridiculous is it that I long for the days where I wasn’t feeling so scared and paranoid, and ‘only’ felt depressed, anxious and lonely?

    1. Applesauce*

      I have never lived in an apartment so I have no idea if it’s feasible or not but have you considered an alarm system of some kind? My family had a really bad break in when I was a young child and shortly after we got an alarm system. We always use it when we’re not home and my mom and I always used it growing up at night when my dad was away for work. I know it helped give my mom (and me when I got a bit older) some peace of mind.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can totally understand feeling paranoid and a bit traumatized after something like that. I hope you feel better soon.

    2. Wren*

      When this happened to me, we got a dog. It instantly made me feel more safe.

      First, dogs in general, even small friendly ones, prevent burglary-nobody wants the added hassle.

      Second, my dog was *not* a small friendly. He was a nice dog, but large and black with a pretty loud bark any time he heard A Strange Thing. We didn’t search for those qualities by any means, it just happened that way.

      I remember being home alone when my husband was traveling and the only reason I was able to sleep comfortably was because Dog was in the room.

      A few years later our neighborhood was burgled again. Not us.

      Not saying you should run out and get a dog, but we’d been wanting to get one and this incident just accelerated our timeline.

      1. Wren*

        Oh also, dogs can do wonders for depression. My bipolar sister got one and her dog is what gets her out of bed on bad days.

      2. Asenath*

        The mailman actually saw one of my relative’s dogs – “THAT’S the dog that’s been barking when I come to the door?” The dog is a lovable laid-back animal – but with a VERY loud bark. They haven’t been burgled, although of course you can’t prove cause and effect.

        Other than that – is seems like the usual precautions – make your place a little harder to get into than other places with locks etc – are already being taken care of, and I think after that, it takes time to get over the shock of a burglary. In similar situations (not burglaries, but I have been robbed), I repeated over and over to myself “I am NOT going to let that (fill in adjectives and nouns as desired) get the better of me!!!” and grimly focus on whatever sensible precautions I have decided to take. Eventually, I recovered and could stop talking to myself.

        And precautions are not a guarantee against bad things, not in any part of life. Naturally, you do what you can to protect yourself, but I had to accept that if something bad happens anyway, it’s the fault of the thief or whatever it was. Or even blind random chance, although that applies more to accidents and illness than burglaries. It’s not my (or your) fault, we did what we could, bad things happen, and we aren’t going to let them beat us or make us move when we don’t really want to or…., well, anything really.

        1. Wren*

          In our case, we had 15 homes on our street. 8 were broken into. The other 7 had dogs ;).

          Of course, if your home is a target, then a dog won’t help. But if it’s opportunistic it’s just one extra hassle.

    3. Formerly burgled*

      A random life saver for me after a burglary (while I was home no less) was the podcast Sleep With Me, which is basically long rambling and surprisingly artful bedtime stories told in a low monotone. I found that the vocal company helped me relax and stop angering over every noise when I was feeling scared at night. Other gentle podcasts also helped. I would also really encourage you to talk about your fear even with less close friends; I think you’ll get a lot of empathy and perhaps some offers of help, and most people will be touched that you’re sharing this sort of thing with them. If you have close friends who you just don’t see as often for logistical reasons at this phase of life, ask one of them if they can keep their phone not on silent at night (or to exempt you from their do not disturb setting) so you’d have someone to call if you get scared. And don’t be hard on yourself; these things are super scared!!

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Your reaction to being burgled is really, really normal. There oughta be a support/help group for people whose homes are violated because it’s a big deal. A coworker whose home was broken into when he was a child was still traumatized by it decades later. So be kind and patient with yourself as you work through this.
      Internet hugs.

    5. Kathenus*

      I’m so sorry! I’ve been there, my house was burgled about six years ago and it was really hard to deal with the psychological part, and the feeling of somehow being weak (which is SO untrue) because it affected me so much. I literally slept with a 2×4 in my bedroom for months (I didn’t have a baseball bat), and the knowledge of having this at hand made me feel better. As Applesauce mentions, there are a variety of alarm options that don’t require installation/contracts (meaning that you can do them in apartments on your own), including things like door alarms that are really loud if the door is opened. And if you don’t already, have dowel rods or window locks on all windows/sliding glass doors to keep them from being able to be opened from the outside. Basically take control of what you can, and it does fade but takes time. Everything you’re feeling is normal, so don’t feel that it’s ridiculous – it isn’t at all.

    6. Lilysparrow*

      I know how you feel. My roommate/BFF were burgled while at work once. It was really invasive – they went through our closets and drawers, too. We just couldn’t bear to sleep there again.

      We stayed in a hotel the first night and then crashed with a relative until we found another place. Fortunately we only had 1 month left on the lease and the landlord let us out of it.

    7. Belle di Vedremo*

      Ooof. That’s miserable. I made piles that would crash loudly to the floor if the door was opened even a little bit. I added a chain lock to the door. I put lights on a timer and changed up the times so the lights were visible at odd hours. It took a long time to relax. If there’s a “crime victim” unit with the local police they may have suggestions, if not with the police maybe there’s a citizen based group that would have suggestions for you?

      As for your muddle of emotions, this is a big deal. Cut yourself some slack, if you can. And do everything you can to support your physical self – eat well, exercise, whatever works for you. If there’s a sliding-scale therapy resource perhaps they have general information to share, or perhaps you can have a single appt focused on this issue? I’m sorry therapy has not been helpful in the past. Having one’s safe space violated is a big deal. Jedi hugs if you’d like them.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Decades ago, I was robbed at knife point at work. I will never forget how it turned my world upside down. I felt like I could not trust anyone or anything. I knew my thinking was screwed up when I started not trusting my own parents.

      It did not stay raw forever, but it sure felt like it took a long time to calm down. I don’t think they ever caught the kid. I quit the job on the spot. After a bit the fear gave way to anger. I was so angry that I scared ME. It’s probably good they did not catch the guy. If I had to ID him I might not have acted in an adult manner. Years later I read where this happens to people after a crime, the fear goes into anger. I have never been so angry with another human being in my life.

      Cry when you can. This is one of the many reasons we grieve, here, you lost your sense of security. That is a huge loss. Crying creates a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep the brain healthy. So it sucks to cry, but tomorrow might be a tiny bit better because you did cry.

      Make an action plan to tighten up your own personal security. I am not sure what is doable for you, but as ideas occur take the time to implement them. It’s important that we see our own selves as taking care of our own predicament.

      If you can get a drink with electrolytes in it that may help a tiny bit. Worry can really burn up vitamins and minerals. Electrolytes will replace some of the lost minerals and help your brain to cope with all this. If you are having difficulty eating, you can get some veggie juices and “drink” your food so at least you get some nutrition into you. Getting good stuff into you will help your body and in turn help your thinking process.

      If you are a church person, or would be interested, I’d suggest you look for a friendly church near you.

      FWIW, it’s coming up on 40 years ago that I was robbed. And it changed me forever in some ways. I think I am a little more cautious and a little more aware of my environment. I won’t work alone at night any more. EVER. And I am quicker to talk to people, especially older folk about keeping themselves safe. I have a neighbor who does not drive. She knows she is to call me when she wants to go to the bank, I will drive her even though it’s only a few blocks. So if you sense that a part of you is forever changed, it’s probably true, but those changes are not all bad changes.

      Come back next weekend and tell us how you are doing.

    9. Batgirl*

      I felt exactly the same way that you do; Right down to ‘Ok I need a partner!’, I also considered getting a roommate, even though I hate roommates. Moving absolutely helped for me. There were also some things that helped in the interim before I left. I no longer feel at all in danger, and I felt only mildly wary towards the end of my time in the old place, so it doesn’t last for ever.
      For me, it was a feeling of being surveilled. It was an unusual time to break into someone’s place and the police said someone must have seen me leaving for a shift. I had lights installed to come on randomly (still do, Phillips Hue are great and you can switch them on while you’re out) but the biggest help was psychological as I was no longer arriving home in the dark (which is when I discovered the burglary and I fled because I didn’t know if anyone was still there). I also got doorbell cameras and cameras looking out on the approaches to my house (you’ve got to be careful with legalities and privacy there though) so I could look and reassure myself whenever I needed to. I had a good friend stay for a while and that really helped me reclaim the space somehow.
      The lack of justice sucks. Turns out the police were right and I discovered on the grapevine that my neighbour had been watching my coming and goings so he could break in. I had no way to prove it so I just had to go on living next door to him. In one way it helped, instead of the boogey-man I had conjured in imagination, it was just this pathetic kid. But in other ways it was impossible to avoid knowing it could happen again. It didn’t and I strengthened my fences but it’s very, very jarring.

  33. lambda fan*

    Just wanted to congratulate commenter Claire on her Lambda Literary win!! Huge Congrats!!!

  34. what's eating me*

    I am trying to honor hunger/not hunger, as I am getting better at telling when I’m hungry but I’m sometimes baffled, especially if I’m eating out. I also struggle with trusting that there will be food later (I grew up with a psychological food insecurity, food was very controlled – it was not a monetary thing). For example, the other day I had about a quarter of the food on my plate and felt full but that seemed too little for my brain and I also felt embarrassed about having eating so little so I ate more. Depending on my day, I may not be able to carry leftovers so that makes it worse. How do you handle these types of situation?

    1. Wishing You Well*

      You can leave as much food on your plate in a restaurant as you want. There’s no need for embarrassment. I remind myself that my body is NOT a garbage disposal. It’s better to leave it than to overeat.
      Can you pack a food box for the day to remind yourself that food is available later? This worked for a foster family whose new kids would overeat at dinner to the point of pain because of past food insecurity. The foster parents prepared lunchboxes at dinnertime to put in the kids’ bedrooms at night. The kids then knew there was food for later and quit overeating at dinner. This is just an idea – maybe you can think of something that will work for you.
      Wishing you success.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I do this. I almost always have a snack bar or some nuts in my purse. That helps me avoid what I call “prophylactic eating” where I’m not hungry now but I have the urge to “eat for later.”

    2. Not So NewReader*

      The portions in restaurants are ridiculous. It’s way too much food.
      I order smaller meals such as just getting a soup or just a salad. Then I keep something in my purse/car/desk to graze on if I need something later.

      It takes about 20 minutes for the brain to realize that we have put food in our stomachs. If you are chatting with friends and eating slower than you would usually then you will probably notice that you feel full quicker. That is because it’s taking you longer to eat, so your brain got the message from your stomach.

      I try to order something that looks like what I would have at home and be content with. For example, at home my lunch is about 5 ounces of protein and a lot of salad. These means that jumbo burger with a huge helping of fries is not going to work for me. I will regret it later. If I do indulge in such things, I ask them to hold the bun and just give me the burger and fries.

      I also had food issues growing up. It helped me to think in terms of measurements- ounces of this, cups of that. I learned what satisfied me most days. I did not restrict myself, I just kept track of what was working well. And I also learned to plan extra food for yard work days or days with other heavy physical activity. I am not sure I will ever stop looking at food and wondering is there enough. But I do not have to act on it immediately, I do not have to eat everything just in case, any more. And you can tell yourself that also. Sometimes we have to give ourselves little affirmations, to help our minds live in the present.

      1. Thursday Next*

        One of my mantras is “It will still be there tomorrow.” I also grew up food insecure for non-monetary reasons. I learned to eat more than one portion if I came across food because I *wasn’t* sure there would be more tomorrow.

        This doesn’t work as well with eating out—I think Wishing You Well’s “I am not a garbage disposal” might serve you better—but if I’m home and find myself wanting more pasta or cheese, for instance, I tell myself that it will be there tomorrow. Because I’m the one who has control over my own food now.

      1. Samwise*

        That’s a great idea!

        And you can ask to have half the portion boxed up right away. Or when you start feeling full, call over the server and have them box it up then. I like to take swank leftovers for lunch at work.

    4. Kuododi*

      I worked with immigrant children in the mental health field and periodically I would have a kid referred to me who was an outright food hoarder. This was typically rooted in complex trauma and insecurity from their country of origin. I usually recommended the guardian set up some type of Rubbermaid container where the child could ” hoard” to their little hearts content. I personally keep things on hand (ie veggie pieces, apple slices) so I would be able to snack without feeling like I have to hit up the nearest drive thru. I hope this helps in some fashion. Best wishes.

  35. UKCherries*

    Hi!

    I regularly receive comments about good I look, and comments on how can I eat so many ‘bad’ foods* and still be so slim. Thing is, I do a fair bit of exercise. I’m in training for another marathon, do yoga and extra core work. I commute by bicycle, and walk everywhere – I live in London, so you don’t really need one! I hope this isn’t coming off as a humble brag, but I’m saying this as an explanation – I’m not naturally blessed with my body, it’s something I have because I do quite a lot of exercise. I’m very awkward at taking compliments generally – getting positive feedback on work is a cringe experience for me too.

    As I’m marathon training now (not my first), I’ve also a lot of people saying that they couldn’t even do a 5km – we are in different worlds of fitness, and I’m never sure how to respond to things like that. I wasn’t born a runner, I HATED sport at school in all shapes and forms. It’s taken me years of work to get to where I am – I never though I’d like running, so I really do understand why people find it so :o. I never brag about it, but if people ask what I’m doing this weekend, I tell them I’m running – it’s a large part of my out of work life right now!

    So, if there are any other sporty/slim people who can give me advice on what to say to people who compliment me I’d appreciate it :) The context of this is mostly work but also friends and family.

    *I will get on my high horse about calling foods good or bad, or clean or dirty. I’ve had ED friends and know how toxic it is to categorise food like this.

        1. Sigh.Rude*

          You do understand that we are supposed to provide helpful commentary, right?

          Also, OP is outlining a situation where people make unwanted food and body comments and she wants scripts on how to shut that down.

          1. Wow*

            If that was all she wanted she could just ask about how to stop people commenting on her body/appearance/lifestyle habits. People have asked that here before without feeling the need to emphasis how gorgeous they are.

            1. Myrin*

              That seems like a pretty uncharitable read – some people are just more wordy than others (myself included, at least on the internet; I think “oh, I’ll just briefly give some background/explanation/context” and then when I hit “submit” I suddenly encounter a huge wall of text). Let’s try to be kind and un-snarky!

          2. Alice*

            She said she wants scripts from other slim and sporty people. I’m choosing to believe that she didn’t mean it that way but it’s an unfortunate phrasing.

            1. Thursday Next*

              It is, and it’s unnecessary. There’s utility in soliciting feedback from “non sporty and slim” people as well, as these are presumably the people who are making these comments to OP.

              A hefty majority of questions of the “how do I respond to this uncomfortable remark?” can be answered with some form of “thanks”/“I’m pleased” OR “no thanks”/“I don’t like that”+ redirection. Extensive context usually isn’t necessary.

    2. Alice*

      Taking you at your word that you want advice about what to say: when people compliment you, say thank you and then continue the conversation.
      Do not continue the conversation by trying to persuade the person that they really will like running if they keep trying.

      1. Acornia*

        This X1000
        DO NOT get on the “If you just worked really hard you totally could do it, too!” train. People who think of themselves as “sporty and slim” and talk about how they used to hate it too seem to love to try to tell people that they too, could have the same moral win if they only just tried hard.
        Your post seems to head that way UKCherries. Don’t be that person.
        The “running isn’t for everyone, what do you do for fun?” suggested below is perfect.
        (Make sure you say “for FUN” not “for exercise” because there’s a difference there…)

        1. UKCherries*

          I’ve never ever tried to persuade people into running. People used to do that to me, and it made me reject any kind of sport throughout my teens and early 20s!

          I’ve had people ask for advice about running, or say that they are doing a race, and I’ve said I’d chat to them about it *if they want*. I like your comment about asking what they do for fun, I’ll remember that! :)

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      While I don’t have any nicely worded things to say try Captain Awkward archives and I think there are some things on AAM re: comments on food/eating at work. Good luck shutting down body/food comments. I find that people push back when they think they are being complimentary and asked to stop.

    5. Rosie M. Banks*

      It is probably just a conversational opening. They say, “Oh, I could never run a 5K!” If you want to talk about running, you say something like, “Oh, lots of people find running hard, but I really enjoy it. Just yesterday, I went running and saw blah, blah, blah.” Or, if you don’t want to talk about it, you say something like “Well, running isn’t for everyone. What do you do for fun?”

      1. VlookupsAreMyLife*

        “Well, running isn’t for everyone. What do you do for fun?”

        ^ this!!

    6. Jane*

      I’m not sure these are really compliments. I mean, they aren’t insults, but comments about your body and your food don’t need to be graciously accepted as a compliment, in my book. It’s not the same as “Wow, you did a great job on that presentation,” or even “I love your blouse!”

      I might go with “Well, it’s a side effect of training for a marathon,” and then try to change the subject as soon as possible.

      People are so weird. Why can’t we just all agree that comments about bodies and food do nothing but make people uncomfortable?

      1. Batgirl*

        Yeah, if I said thanks it would come off super sarcastic like ‘thaaaanks?’ Or ‘Cool, do we assess your body now?’

    7. londonedit*

      Can’t comment on the skinniness, because running makes me chunky, but I hear you on the ‘I couldn’t even run a 5k!’ stuff. I’m always like…well, I’m pretty sure you could if you wanted to…and I’m not forcing you to run a 5k! I’ve had all sorts of comments about my running, people can actually be quite actively nasty about it (‘God, you’re crazy’, ‘What sort of stupid running are you doing this weekend, then?’ ‘You should sit down and eat a pie once in a while like a normal person’, etc etc). I tend to think it comes from their own insecurities – they probably know they should be doing more exercise, and seeing me running every weekend makes them feel inadequate so they get all defensive. Just try to ignore them and not respond!

      Also, hello from a fellow Londoner. Do you do parkrun? Which marathon are you training for?

      1. Reba*

        “Comes from their own insecurities” YES!

        I think that’s why comments like these can feel so uncomfortable — because just under the surface, there is all this knotty body image baggage that so many people carry. And I think we all sense that’s what it’s about, even though the surface-level chat may appear light and innocuous.

        I second other people’s tips about just changing the subject.

      2. UKCherries*

        My legs are pretty chunky, but the rest of me isn’t! Yes, I like your point about you’re not forcing them to run, and I wonder if it seems quite intimidating? I’ve always had those nasty comments delivered under the guise of a joke, but they can be quite insulting after a while, I eat perfectly fine thank you.

        I don’t do parkrun…. 9am is sleeping time! I’ve done a couple, and I think the concept is one of the best things I’ve ever come across! If I go on holiday, I try to run the local one there. My marathon is in Eastern Europe, so tying it in with a holiday!

    8. Thursday Next*

      Consider the possibility that people saying they could never run a marathon really can’t run a marathon. Does that change how you might respond to that statement?

      Beyond that, just think of some of these statements as conversational filler. “I could never run a marathon” = “It’s impressive you’re running a marathon.” So say something benign and filler-y yourself.

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m neither sporty nor slim, so I’m. It sure how much my advice counts, but usually I just say “thank you” to a compliment and move on.

    10. anonagain*

      Any comment or question about body size gets a shrug + “Everyone’s body is different” + subject change.

    11. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I guess I would be tempted to say “thanks! I took up running and I have done all this crazy amount of exercise over the years, never thought I’d like running, blah blah blah” and they might get the message that it’s actually a lot of work on your part. That is, assuming you want to shut down the wistful compliments. Otherwise I suppose you could say that you never liked running but you found that X or Y method helped you get into it and you’d be happy to talk about that sometime if the person is interested. If this is a casual conversation with a colleague etc. I wouldn’t go into a lot of detail.

    12. Not A Manager*

      It sounds to me like you’re hearing these remarks as a kind of criticism, like “why are you making me feel bad by eating that *bad* food and still being slim,” or “why are you making me feel bad by running a marathon when I can’t run around the block?” And then you feel like you have to manage their emotions and your own emotions about their emotions.

      I think you should work really hard to take those comments at face value. If someone comments on your “bad” food, you can say, “Eh, I don’t think of food as good or bad.” If someone comments on your appearance in a way that sounds complimentary, take it as a compliment. Just say thank you. (Or, if it’s in a context where the compliment is inappropriate, push back on that. “I really don’t like to discuss my body at work.”) If someone comments on their own lack of physical fitness, treat it as a bland statement. “Oh? Well, running is my hobby. What’s your favorite hobby?”

      Give yourself permission to interpret all of these remarks as completely value-neutral.

      1. UKCherries*

        Yes, I would agree that I do feel they are criticising me, and I’m quite an emotional person (and care a lot about other people). I just hate the feeling that they think I’ve got here easily or not had my own issues with weight/eating in the past. I love the ‘value neutral’ concept – I think that will really help, thanks :)

    13. Blarg*

      I think other commenters’ recs are great. If you want to go in the direction of acknowledging that it is hard for you, you could reply with an “I do love running, although my toenails are so gross it may never again be sandal season” or “thanks … you wanna hear about ALL the chafing?” I think sometimes it is easier to be self-deprecating or downplay what might be a compliment but might not be… so identifying the parts that are hard for you might help.

      Congrats on falling in love with running — I tried. Hard. I did a half marathon. Ran the whole way. Hated every dang minute of it. Haven’t run a total of 13 miles since. :)

      1. UKCherries*

        Haha, this is definitely what I do to some people. I am one of those runners who still wears sandals at the office….. I just apply a lot of nail polish to my toes! Congratulations, that’s a great achievement, running nonstop for 13miles is seriously impressive! You’ve an excellent statement for a game of two truths one lie there :)

    14. Lilysparrow*

      My experiences aren’t about being sporty because I’m not. But I think there are many circumstances in life where people use you as a lightning rod for their own emotional baggage, and it really is awkward and uncomfortable. Because they *appear* to be complimenting you, but it’s obvious in the moment that it’s not about you at all, it’s some psychodrama of their own that they’re projecting onto you.

      I’m thinking of things like getting engaged, being visibly pregnant, getting a promotion at work. Some people even get defensive, as if you accused them of failing, when you never said anything at all.

      It’s particularly fraught when it’s unsolicited comments about your body.

      I’d suggest saying “thanks” only if the person is actually saying something nice about you, like “Wow, a marathon? Good for you!”

      If they are making weird comments about your food or your body, you can just say, “Huh. Food is just food.” Or “I don’t think about it too much.”

      When people do the self-deprecation dance of “I could never do that!” (For me it’s writing books), I shrug and say something jokey like, “Don’t worry, I won’t make you!”

      I expect you know perfectly well when you’re being complimented, and when you’re being projected on. When it’s the latter, just avoid getting sucked into it or making the conversation longer. Just deflect, change the subject if you can, or get out.

      1. UKCherries*

        Thanks for this – this is very insightful, particularly about the defensiveness of others. I’m trying to get better at getting out of conversations better in general (I always leave events far later than I wanted to).

    15. Not So NewReader*

      “It’s just my metabolism, I guess. Everybody is different so it’s hard to pinpoint. So how about that game yesterday?”

    16. CheeryO*

      I run a lot, so I get this a lot too. I don’t think people really expect a real response when they say stuff like that, and saying “thanks” would be a little weird. For food comments, I usually say something jokey like, “Gotta take advantage of my fast metabolism while I can!” When people act impressed about my running, I usually just say something like, “Thanks, I actually really enjoy it – it’s a good outlet for my excess energy!” Then I change the subject, because no one actually wants to hear about running in any detail.

    17. matcha123*

      I’ve got a muscular build and some friends say they like my body type. I’d love to be more slender, but whatever. On the rare occasion I do get a comment, I tell them about how much I enjoy exercising, how many years I’ve been exercising and say that I keep up with it. I try not to make any judgmental comments and say if they are looking for advice I can point them to some resources. I might get into some TMI about how exercising helps with my monthly pain, but basically I just say thanks, I like to do [ exercise ] and leave it at that.

    18. Jemima Bond*

      I’m neither sporty nor slim but if I’ve understood this correctly; the question is, how do I respond graciously to compliments without looking arrogant or insulting the complimenter, whilst also making the point that I worked hard for [result] and it wasn’t just luck.
      I can understand a bit as I make some clothes for myself and also patchwork quilts and jewellery. If someone says, “oh I could never make that!” I say something like, oh it’s just how I enjoy spending my time, it’s not for everyone. You could say this. If they ask how I find time, I tell them I neglect the housework (partly true and humour deflects). You could say, “oh I do a lot of my commuting on foot so it fits a good bracing walk in nicely twice a day and I spend less time on the tube with my face in a merchant banker’s armpit!” If I feel they are overdoing the “that must be so difficult/have taken ages” bit, I say, don’t believe the hype, you just follow the instructions and watch YouTube tutorials (True but perhaps less helpful in your situation.) I might add (which is something you could adapt) “it did take a while but I’m pleased with how it turned out, and look it has pockets!” You could say “yes the marathon was really hard work but I raised £250 for orphaned one-eyed llamas so I’m really pleased with that!”
      But mostly just thank them for the compliment if a compliment is paid. If it’s the question of how do you eat x but stay so slim, just tell them what you told us; you do a lot of exercise.

      1. UKCherries*

        Thanks a lot for this – you’re correct with your interpretation. I’m building a little library of comments off this thread – will definitely use yours :) The online running world is a curious beast, and one I don’t really like – quite judgey particularly about times so I really don’t recommend that! (or maybe I’m not in the right places online!)

        Good luck with all your quilting and clothes making – I’ve such admiration for people who can do it, it’s such a skill. I also love pockets.

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A former co-worker’s answer might help you. Scene in the kitchenette, where co-workers are waiting for microwave.
      CW1 takes out a generous sized dish of pasta.
      CW2: “How do you eat like that and stay so thin?”
      CW1: “I’m in training for the city marathon.”
      CW2: “If I ate like that I wouldn’t fit through the door.”
      CW1: ” Marathon is on $Date if you want to join the spectators.”
      CW2 was not there but *I* was!

      1. londonedit*

        Oh yeah. The night before my last marathon, a load of us from my running club went to an Italian restaurant for some carb-loading. One friend’s parents had come to cheer us all on in the race, and I sat next to his mum at dinner. From memory, I think I had bruschetta as a starter, and then a pasta dish as a main course. The portions were pretty generous, which we were all pleased about! But my friend’s mum must have remarked five times how much I was eating. ‘Ooh, goodness, you’ve polished that off haven’t you! AND you’re having pasta?! Goodness me, I can’t believe you’ve eaten all that as well!’ Seriously. The first time I responded with a bright ‘Ha, yes, well I am running tomorrow!’ which quickly turned into ‘Yes. *I am running a marathon tomorrow*.’ Honestly it was so frustrating how fixated she was on what and how much I was eating.

    20. UKCherries*

      Just wanted to say thank you to all who replied – though I’ve not the time to reply to all, I have read every single comment and taken them aboard. Hopefully now I’ll be able to respond better and feel less awk about it.

      Thanks, and hope you had a great weekend! :)

  36. CoffeeforLife*

    My partner’s daughter (12) is coming to stay with us for a month this summer. I work from home for myself (so not tied to a schedule) and he is going to do half days and be home around noon. My question is what do we DO?

    We moved from a Hawaii where activities were naturally easy to find (beach, hiking, parks, sports) to a DC burb. Apart from the many battle fields and museums we can visit, I just don’t know what else to do daily. I don’t want her time with us spent playing on her phone and being bored. Ideally, she’d love it an want to stay (ha! who’d voluntarily leave Hawaii?!) but I mostly want her summer not to suck.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      There is great novelty in taking the metro to places to visit in DC! We lived there for a summer when my son was about that age. Just the metro and all the festivals and summer events for kids at museums was great.

      And time spent with dad and you just walking or hanging or cooking is great.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Has Daughter ever been to D.C. before? Always lived in Hawai’i? Asking because if so, getting her on the Metro would be a great teachable moment. Rail-based rapid transit is basically the same all over the world, and experiencing it at age 12 would be a nice gift that will pay dividends when she’s older and thinks about travel elsewhere in the U.S. or to major cities around the world.

        1. Overeducated*

          Unless CoffeeforLife lives near any of the stations south of National Airport in VA…they’re all closed for 3.5 months! (But if so…there’s no way she doesn’t know it already. It’s such a headache.)

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          This is a great idea! I started taking mass transit to school at about that age, and it really helped me be comfortable going on vacations to other places and not renting a car when I got there as an adult. It also opened up a lot of independent adventures for me in my own city in high school, but that would be less the case for a kid who wouldn’t be sticking around. (Being who I am, my “independent adventures” were mostly that I could get to the main library by myself whenever I wanted to. This was probably one of the reasons my parents didn’t worry about me having a bus pass and access to the whole city on my own at 13.)

          1. Glomarization, Esq.*

            Similarly, I raised my kid in a major city with buses, subways, and interurban rail. They started going to school on their own by age 14, and now as a young adult they have no worries at all living in a (different) major city and using transit there, or trying the public transit system anywhere at all.

    2. Washi*

      DC in summer is rough, not because there’s nothing to do, but because it’s so hot and humid! I live in the burbs on the Maryland side so my suggestions are more tailored to that, but here are my favorite activities that are slightly less hot:
      – go to the pool
      – kayaking/canoeing (Key Boathouse to see monuments, but best on a weekday, Jug Bay Natural Area for best nature, Bladensburg waterfront on a weekend because it’s less crowded)
      – biking feels less hot than walking because you make a breeze for yourself. I love the c&o canal and the mt. vernon trail for the scenery
      – for hiking, Great Falls is nice because you can put your feet in the water when it gets too warm
      – Harpers Ferry is only about an hour away from DC and you can tube/hike/explore there
      – I love pick your own type farms; Butler’s Orchard and Larriland Farms are two of the closes in MD

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Thanks for those! We are on the VA side but those could be great day trips and I’m sure there are some similar activities here.

        I suggested a day camp tailored to her interests (volleyball or music – and not all day/everyday) but he vetoed that.

        1. Overeducated*

          What about some of the free summer concerts in DC? I think there’s one called Jazz in the Garden at one of the museums, lots of military band stuff, probably more. Sometimes it’s nicer to relax in the hot afternoons and get out when it starts to cool down, and you can probably bring picnics,

          1. Hmmmm*

            Just a thought but while there are many great outdoor concerts I would not take a 12 year old to jazz in the garden.
            It is mostly a place for college age/early twenties people to get drunk on Friday evenings. It’s a big mess and it could be a learning experience rather than a fun night.

        2. Washi*

          Ooh gotcha. Well my favorite closer-in VA part is Sky Meadows, which has lovely views everywhere. Meadowlark botanic gardens are also lovely, but I’m not sure a 12 year old from HI would be impressed. Depending on where you are in VA, you might not be too far from Mallows Bay, where you can take a kayaking tour of sunken WWI ships, which is pretty cool.

          Also, the DEA has a museum in Arlington! It’s only open on weekdays and it’s not huge, but it has some fun exhibits about what now-illegal drugs used to be widely used/put in food, which I think I would have found entertaining at 12.

        3. Quandong*

          Your ideas of day camps tailored to her interests are excellent and very thoughtful.

          I’m sorry to hear your partner vetoed them. What ideas has he come up with in their stead?

      2. Double use of my name*

        You can also hike at Turkey Run or kayak at Pohick bay. And I 2nd the many biking options.

      3. Victoria, Please*

        Would you believe I used to WORK AT LARRILAND FARM. It was the best training ground possible to become a highly effective leader.

        Also tons of fun to visit.

      4. Reba*

        This summer I’m looking forward to going to outdoor movie screenings in my DC neighborhood. You might see if there are any of those near you, or other evening-time park activities (stargazing–maybe events at Udvar-Hazy since you’re in VA).

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In general, what does she like to do? I had my niece (a little older, but still) come stay with me for a week last summer – we did some zoo, museum, historical park type things, but we also spent an evening eating pizza and playing Minecraft. I taught her how to crochet. Summer is good movie season, especially if you have anything “extra” like a drive-in or dine-in theater around, those are fun if you’ve never done them before. Bowling? Roller rink? If y’all are sporty types, is there a 5k nearby during that time frame that you could walk or jog together as a family? Farmers markets can be fun, also grilling out either in your backyard or at a local park. Arts and crafts, either you teaching her or both/all of you learning something new, like a pottery painting thing? See if the local community center does one shot classes. Is there a community pool? If everybody gets along, maybe she could scrapbook her trip as she goes so she can show mom how much fun she had when she gets home? (Related, maybe one of those little Polaroid style instant cameras she can carry around as a gift? I don’t know if 12 year olds have their own smartphones these days.) Depending on how nerdy you are, a d&d or similar tabletop game can be done in a couple hours or longer, and that’s the kind of thing you guys could continue by Skype when she goes home if everyone enjoyed it. (I took my niece to GenCon for a day while she was here and she loved it, but mine is a house of huge nerds.) Or maybe board games? New ones or classics. Heck, teach the kid how to play blackjack or poker for m&ms :)

    4. purple otter*

      What about the local public library? She can either find books on her own, or join some classes/events there’s anything she might be interested in. Good for days when it’s 90F out and 90% humidity (ah DC summers) or when it’s rainy.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        All the libraries near us have an extensive schedule of summer activities for kids, tweens, and teens. Some shows, some classes, some hands-on activities, some interactive stuff like escape rooms or laser tag, themed game nights or movie nights, you name it.

    5. Madge*

      All those HI things are also easy to find where you are after you sub pools for beaches. If It helps, plan the trip for HI things and find them where you are. Reframe the time on phone as down time vs being bored. Some kids need a lot of it. Boredom is ok and doesn’t mean she’ll hate being there. This visit doesn’t have to be all singing and dancing. Redirect to non-screens when you can and set a time limit for all screens. Give her a responsibility like dishes. Set up some basic rules with your partner calling for time outside, time reading, active time, helpful time, etc. every day. Let her manage this as she’s able. Buy some basic art supplies or adult coloring books and have them lying around. I saw an advanced dot to dot that looked fun. Also sticker by numbers. Get a couple classic board games and designate a game night. I’d have a couple activities planned for the first few days and then see how it goes from there. Google for summer break ideas in your area. Check out library programs, Health clubs, local pools, city park and rec programs, movie theaters, pottery painting/arty places. Ride the double decker tourist bus and get off for ice cream. Be corny, if it’s bad you can laugh together. Do you have a maker space nearby? Take a yoga class together. Sign her up for the library’s summer reading program.

    7. Agent J*

      Hiking in Rock Creek Park might be fun, since you’re used to activities outdoors. Or maybe one of the cruises on the Potomac that leave from Georgetown Waterfront.

      You could also do a touristy month of DC. I find I never do the touristy stuff unless friends are in town. Make your own list of favorite places that you want to show her or find ones online. And check out the Express newspaper on Thursdays (I think?) for weekend ideas.

    8. Occasional Baker*

      Can you introduce her to any similarly aged girls with her interests? Because I’ve been away from home for stretches at that age, and it was really hard to have no interaction with peers for such a long time, though this was before the current electronic age, lol. Not a hard push, necessarily, but if they start with snap chatting each other, maybe they can get to being friendly enough for light companionship? Works best if it happens as early as possible. I realize this trip is for Dad time, but just consider peer time. Mornings while Dad’s at work will be too early to online game with friends back home, for example. Are there cousins?

    9. Turtlewings*

      Activities are good and necessary, but also don’t be afraid to just give her some time to chill. A lot of kids don’t get the “down time” they need to just decompress, relax, do whatever. (And in fact, constantly complaining of being bored can be a sign that they’ve had so little down time, they don’t know how to exist without being entertained. Which means they need it all the more, though they might need some guidance in how to cope with it.)

    10. MRK*

      Silly question but, have you asked her what she’d like to do? At 12 I would expect she might have her own interests/hobbies. Being involved in decision making would likely be positive for her and make her feel included, especially since she’s spending a month of her summer with you. Plus its easier to come up with things once you have a general idea of what she likes.

    11. Not A Manager*

      There are a lot of one-week specialty “camps” for kids in the 12 year range. In our city, the park district used to offer some, and I think the public library and some of the museums, too. Those tended to cost less than the private ones.

      My small relatives do things like cooking camps, coding camps, climbing camps, and even a Star Wars camp where I think they just go into the park with light sabers all day.

      She might enjoy being with kids her own age for part of the time anyway.

    12. At the Wheel!*

      I second chilling and perhaps having her meet some neighborhood kids? Playing frisbee in the park and just reading were my favorite at her age. Also, check kidfriendlydc.com for weekly tips on events for kids for the DC area. They also have list of outdoor and indoor activities.

    13. Quandong*

      CoffeeforLife, your partner needs to do some emotional labour and take initiative here. Ask him to do some research for things his daughter can do when she’s staying with you this summer. He has a crucial role as her parent. It’s really not your responsibility to ensure her summer doesn’t suck! If your partner is a responsive parent, and a good partner, he will recognize the importance of making more effort. Especially if he’s going to veto your suggestions!!

      Get your partner to take a role in other aspects of the day-to-day work of having his daughter at your place, like shopping and preparing food and other domestic tasks.

      I’m saying this because as a woman I was constantly expected to take the lead and do the work of entertaining and caring for children of partners. This was my experience both dating and living with dudes with shared custody (whose children were around 10, or teenagers).

      It was eye-opening and very disturbing to discover just how much I was expected to do. And I also had a flexible work schedule at times, but my time was definitely not respected and valued by my then-partners as much as their time was valued.

      Part of why I broke up with the dudes (I wasn’t dating them simultaneously) was directly related to this dynamic, and the way they reacted when I established boundaries and communicated that I needed them to step up. So it was useful information for me in the long run. I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I, as the woman, was responsible for child-rearing and teenager-handling while my partner avoided his parenting duties.

    14. Llellayena*

      There’s a Friday night outdoor concert series in the Herndon/Reston area, Wolftrap theater might have some cool stuff too. I remember a Peeps store in Arlington(?) that would be awesome for a teen/preteen. What about a summer long treasure hunt through downtown DC? There’s probably online, printable treasure hunt things available so you might not have to invent stuff yourself and it wouldn’t have to be a timed thing. Other than that don’t try to completely fill the summer. You’re not there to entertain her, you’re there to be summer parents. Letting her just have some down time to make friends in the area, read or dip her toes in a pool might be plenty. If you have neighbors with similar aged kids can you let them know she’ll be around?

    15. Not A Manager*

      I’m puzzled as to why your partner vetoed the idea of day camps. A month is a long time for a 12 year old to spend being entertained only by her parents.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Find where your neighborhood’s kids are going to summer camp or sports lessons or whatever. Lots of half-day options in some towns — anything that gets your kid to know their kids! Hiking at the state parks. Trips that are longer distances than exist on an island. Street fairs–I have great memories of taking the train in to NYC for fairs when I was about that age. Teach her to navigate the city….you go too, but she picks the destination and maps the route and decides on how to react to unexpected situations. (Closures, wrong train, etc.)
      Don’t forget the idea of taking your bikes places — biking can be totally different on the flat from in mountains.
      My 12yo says to feed the squirrels oranges because it’s so cute.

  37. Overeducated*

    My kid has a very mild case of a common childhood illness. She doesn’t even seem uncomfortable, but we consulted her doctor just in case, and she said to keep her away from pregnant women because there is a risk of fetal issues and miscarriage. 0_o I’m almost halfway through my pregnancy, so…wish me luck at not getting infected, please!

    1. Thursday Next*

      Hoping for a speedy recovery for your little one (and no infection for you)!

    2. Agnodike*

      For your peace of mind, your doctor can probably test you to see if you’re immune. Also, the risk is different at different points in pregnancy, with the second trimester being the lowest risk time for most, so you could consider asking your doctor for a little more information, too – it might help you feel better! (For what it’s worth, adults are mostly immune to the majority of childhood diseases like fifth disease for which we don’t have vaccines – you were very possibly exposed in childhood and immune now.)

      1. Overeducated*

        I hope so on the risk! The internet (e.g. CDC, which my doctor sent me the link to) says risk is highest in “first half of pregnancy,” which I’m still in. I did go in for a blood test at my doctor’s recommendation – it sounds like I was exposed as a child, if not infected, so hope that’s enough for immunity.

    3. Book Lover*

      Chickenpox or rubella? You should check to see that you have antibodies – call your OB ASAP because otherwise you can get immunoglobulin for some things. If it is parvo though, not much to be done.

      1. Lucy*

        If it’s chickenpox, you’re not at one of the particularly dangerous stages of your pregnancy (first trimester and around delivery are worst for CP issues – as I learned when my 2yo caught it when I was 12w! We were all fine in yr end but there was a scary time while we looked into my immunity).

        Second the recommendation to have immunity checked.

      2. Overeducated*

        Thanks. It is parvo. I did go in for a blood test but it was Friday afternoon, so results will be a wait.

        On the bright side my mom thinks at least one of us had it as kids (she can’t remember who!), so at least I’ve been exposed, but not sure if enough to develop immunity.

  38. Rebecca*

    Recycling and laundry detergent!! I’ve had to adjust to using a front load washer here at Mom’s, so I use a small glass measuring cup, meant for maybe mixing drinks, or something? It holds about 5 oz or so, has graduated lines with ounces, tablespoons, that type of thing. Anyway, I measure the liquid detergent based on the number of fluid ounces in the container – so a 40 oz container that equals 40 loads, 1 oz, as an example. I thought I had most of the detergent out of the jug, so I turned it upside down for a day or two, and some more was in the cap, so I used it, and when I shook it, I could still hear liquid….so…..I poked a hole in the bottom and sat it on top of the measuring glass. Ate breakfast, went back to put in the second load, and I had enough detergent to do one more load! And I’m kicking myself for not doing this before.

    And that being said, I really wish I could take that sturdy container back to the store and refill it. Instead, it’s going into recycling, along with millions of others across the country and world. Or maybe the manufacturers could concentrate it more, find a different container? Are pods the answer (if we could keep people from eating them, that is…and that’s a whole other pet peeve of mine). And now I wonder how much detergent ends up wasted. I’m pretty careful about things like that, and before assumed if I turned the bottle upside down for a few days, what ended up in the cap was all that was left.

    It’s supposed to be sunny this weekend, so I’m taking the opportunity this morning to get the laundry done and hung out on the line before I go to town for groceries. A sunny weekend, here in PA! Amazing!!

    1. anon24*

      I was just thinking the other week how awesome it would be if there was a store that had “kegs” of shampoo, body wash, lotion, household cleaners, etc. and sold re-useable containers that you could go in and fill a container from the keg and then bring the container back for refills whenever it gets low to avoid all the waste from these single use bottles.

      Enjoy the weekend! I’m also in Central PA but I work all weekend :(

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        My local natural foods store has bulk shampoo and such, but I think their larger bottles that they fill from are still single-use so it doesn’t solve the whole problem.

        I just compromise by buying the largest possible size of each thing for those kind of products, usually at Costco. At least that way I’m going through fewer bottles.

      3. Batgirl*

        There used to be a store chain in the UK that did this, ‘Tuckabins’, but with foodstuffs. So there were big tubs of flour, chocolate chips, nuts, cereals, sugar; you name it, and you doled it out into bags and weighed it. It was very popular. No idea why it vanished.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      If it’s #2 HDPE, it’s generally curbside recyclable. If it’s #3 then there are speciality places that will accept it for recycling (they use it to make plastic lumber). Your local waste management company should have a list of what they accept.

      1. Rebecca*

        These are all #2 containers, but it seems like such a waste to have such a sturdy container for a single use. I suspect I could use this thing for years and not damage it or put a hole in it.

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          My bad! I thought I read it couldn’t be recycled! Sorry :/

          I have used them to store my hazardous waste (copper filled water) from my studio. I watched a video of a guy who melts it and makes his own plastic sheeting.

          There is a company that is trying to make refillable products but it’s only being rolled out in a few cities. I made my own detergent for a while to cut down on waste and be more green…but my partner wasn’t a fan and wanted his clothes CLEAN.

          1. Rebecca*

            :) no worries!! I can make detergent, too, and know how to make soap from scratch (water, lye, fats, etc.). I really wish there was a way that you could take the container to the store, refill it with Gain or Tide, and take it home again. I’ve heard of refillables in other cities, just wish it was more widespread. I feel like I’m doing at least a small part by carefully measuring, doing full loads only, and recycling the container.

    3. Ranon*

      Seventh generation makes one that’s about 2x concentrated as their usual where they use a recycled paper shell around much thinner plastic for packaging- I like it because it takes up so much less space on top of my dryer!

      We definitely don’t need to ship around as much water as we do- concentrates work great!

    4. Best cat in the world*

      I came to the same realisation about cleaning stuff a couple of weeks ago. I managed to find a company that does refillable bottles, they send you the bottles to start, although you can use your own, and then the refill pouches have enough for four or six bottles in them and can be sent back for reprocessing. I don’t know if they ship to the US but they’re called Splosh. There might be something similar out there for you?
      They do do laundry detergent and powder but I haven’t tried those yet as I can be a bit sensitive to them sometimes.
      I’ve switched away from the tabs because they don’t work well in my washing machine, I kept getting residue left, so I’m sticking to liquid for now but my Mum uses them and thinks they’re great.

    5. it happens*

      There are such stores! Link to the package-free stores state-by-state.
      https://www.litterless.com/wheretoshop
      A number of companies are working with Amazon(?) right now on exactly this issue- buy the product, return the container, get a refill. I also recommend Method free and Clear detergent, it’s super-concentrated and you can buy pouch refills for the pump dispenser, just like their soap.

    6. Rebecca*

      Great suggestions everyone! But, unfortunately I’m in the middle of a rural area of PA, so none of these apply here. I can recycle (have to take it to a drop off point myself, no curbside), and unless I drive a good distance one way, 25+ miles, my only shopping options right now are Dollar stores, Walmart, and a local grocery store chain. Ugh. Maybe in the future these things will become more standard!

    7. JediSquirrel*

      I’ve been making my own laundry detergent for years. I save a ton of money and never have to worry about recycling containers. (Also, vinegar makes a great, natural fabric softener.)

    8. JSB*

      A couple other notes…the first time we had a repairman work on our new front loader he said the fill line in the detergent dispenser was unnecessarily generous – we really only need about half that for a normal load. (We both work in offices. Clothes don’t get THAT dirty.)

      Similarly, unless clothes super dirty, you rarely need the regular cycle which is 45 minutes+. The express cycle works fine (I think it starts at 20 minutes. I like to add a bit, usually 25 minutes total.) So we’ve been using about half the amount of recommended detergent and express cycle for most loads for years. Works just fine.

      1. Rebecca*

        Yes! I discovered that the light cycle takes 35 minutes on Mom’s washer, and I carefully measure detergent, and everything is really clean. I only use the “normal” cycle for my hiking stuff or if I’m really sweaty from walking or working outside. No need to use excess detergent or too much hot water!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I did an experiment in a class once – we washed a small load of laundry using the recommended amount of detergent, then washed them again (each time in a different washer) in plain water, no detergent – it took FIVE loads with plain water before the detergent stopped sudsing out of the clothes. Ever since then, I use like a quarter of the detergent recommendation.

        1. Mary Connell*

          A couple of tablespoons of detergent tends to be more than enough for most loads.

    9. Laundry*

      I’ve been using a detergent subscription service called Dropps. The detergent is in pods and the packaging is all cardboard. I’ve been really happy with it; no joke the best detergent I’ve used in years. You can buy as you need, too, subscription is optional.

    10. Three Pines Visitor*

      I discovered a couple of months ago that the spouts on detergent/fabric softener/non-chlorine bleach jugs pop out very nicely with the assistance of pliers, so it’s really easy to get that last bit of liquid into the measuring cup. It was a real DUH! moment for me because those jugs have been around for how many decades now?

    11. DrTheLiz*

      I tend to get the last of the detergent/shampoo/washing up liquid out of the container by pouring in some water and shaking vigorously, then using about three times as much as usual until it’s gone. It’s easier with shampoo than laundry detergent because I can feel when my hair is clean, but it does a really good job of rescuing half-dry gunk from the sides.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I started doing this with everything, figuring out ways to get that last little bit out of the container. I could easily see that I had reduced my grocery bill by at least $5 per week. And that was 20 years ago that I ran this estimate. So it’s probably a bit more savings now. As you say, OP, it appeared like I would get one more use and I actually got two or three more uses. I still replace stuff as I start to run low, but it takes me longer to run out of the old stuff and open the new bottle.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      I know, huh… WHY doesn’t laundry detergent have a refillable system? Or come in bags or pouches as it does in Japan? It would save so much plastic. Ditto with cat litter. I buy those large square jugs, and have tons of them (which I do re-use for buckets and storage, but I don’t really need). This is why the planet is drowning in plastic.

      1. noahwynn*

        Petco has bulk cat litter. You buy a large plastic pail once and can refill it from the bulk bin when you go in.

        I personally prefer powdered laundry detergent, which usually comes in paper cartons that are easy to recycle and get all of the detergent out of. I think liquid works better with most HE washers though. I live in an apartment and have one of those portable washers.

    14. Nana*

      Before poking a hole in the bottom of the jug, put some water in it and slosh it around. Enough for yet another load! There are things one can make from empty heavy-duty jugs…perhaps a local scout troop would like ’em.

  39. Penguin*

    Plant thread! How does your garden grow? Which weeds just won’t die? Discuss and commiserate with fellow botanically-inclined folks!

    1. Penguin*

      The wisteria seems to be done blooming already (I’d swear it was much more robust about it last year) and has settled into trying to eat the porch. The grapevines are about due their fortnightly “encouragement” with the hedge trimmer so they stay on TOP of the arbor, and I found another garlic mustard plant yesterday. (I think that makes seven this year, so I can’t complain too much.)

      The weather is warm and sunny today, and the park across the street has been freshly mowed. Things could be worse!

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      I planted a bunch of bulbs and they are finally coming up! I’m super excited as this is my first yard and gardening :) We removed some hedges underneath the front windows so I know I’ll have to fill that space come fall, but for now it’ll be pretty flowers

      I also put in blueberry bushes in the back. I really want fruit trees but I don’t like the local selection. Has anyone had luck ordering online?

      1. fposte*

        Most of my garden was ordered online. Works great! Are you in the U.S., and if so what part and what zone? A lot of the best growers are in the Pacific Northwest, but I prefer to order from the Midwest if possible to up the chance of something’s resilience in our climate.

        If you look at the Products and Sources section of davesgarden dot com, you can search for places that sell fruit trees online in the Garden Watchdog; go into the Advanced Search and select for Plants: Hardy Fruit Trees. The guide isn’t as active as it used to be, but some the classics, like Stark in Missouri, are still going strong.

      2. Jenny F. Scientist*

        I have also ordered a LOT of plants online. Jung’s in WI is also reliable, but I always check Garden Watchdog too!

    3. fposte*

      I did a slash and burn (well, slash and paint the stumps) of front yard tree weeds yesterday, so it’s nice not to see Norway maple saplings among the roses.

      And those roses are seriously blooming, accompanied by oxeye daisies and rose campion (two of my favorite self-seeders); plus a lot of clematis is out. I have a blooming mock orange in my backyard that I’d tried to thread a clematis through years ago, and this year it finally worked–big pink splash among the white blooms.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I hate Norway maples! Our neighbor has one and it’s either ruining our cars or our yard with the pollen and the millions of baby maples…

        We had someone down the street pull out all the old trees to plant… juvenile Norway maples. Why??

        Plus they’re invasive unless maybe you live in Norway?

    4. Lena Clare*

      OMG how do you get rid of dandelions? I have tried everything, including weedkiller which I don’t really like to use. I’ve tried vinegar – they seemed to drink it up. There is a particularly well embedded one in the back yard and it’s like a tree, I can’t get the roots up. Any good advice appreciated.

      1. fposte*

        I think you gotta pull ’em. I’m a late convert to using actual built-for-purpose tools for weeding rather than hands, so I would recommend a dandelion weeder, especially one of the ones with a curved metal brace that serves as a fulcrum so you can lever them out.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Stupid baby foxes knocked over my vegetable containers and killed the plants, so I ended up buying a sturdier container and the only zucchini plant in the store yesterday. I might go out Monday to a different place and see if they have any other starter plants because it’s really too late to start from seeds again here. Why don’t the foxes ever dig up the weeds? Grr.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My cherry tree has cherries, but they’re mostly high enough up that I’d need a proper orchard ladder, and I’d rather know if they were eating cherries or pie cherries before putting in that kind of effort (bought the house the summer before last, learned I had a cherry tree last year when I saw all of the cherries on the ground). I’ll keep an eye out for any close enough to the ground to get at with less effort so I can see whether they’re worth the harvest planning in future.

      While looking for cherries, I also noticed that I have grape vines growing on a lot more of the cherry tree than I thought I did. I…guess I should do something about that? (I have a grape arbor next to the cherry tree, but some of the vines found the tree as well as their intended space. I think it’s been this way for quite a while, but maybe this winter I should cut off the ones growing up the tree, which sneak over a bit above my head height from their arbor. This year, I think I’ll leave it and just get out a ladder and harvest the extra grapes.)

    7. All monkeys are French*

      There are some strawberries to pick today and a few of the blueberries are just starting to turn blue!

  40. Fifi*

    Removed. Ironically, this is the same person posting nasty comments above as “Wow” and they’ve been blocked. – Alison

    1. Fifi*

      There have been, but not as many. Also people were more ready to call that out in the past, now there’s more spurring on. I think the a lot of the more level-headed people have been driven out because arguing is exhausting.

      1. fposte*

        I just went back and looked at that, and there are a lot of people pushing back on the mocking there. It’s also a small subthread in a huge open thread, so I think a lot of people didn’t even see it (I didn’t). So I get that some of it disheartened you, but I don’t think it was out there unopposed.

    2. gecko*

      Yep. It’s one of those things that, in person with a friend, is totally innocuous, and becomes pretty rough when multiple anonymous people join together. It’s a friend’s inalienable right to say “laugh at my annoying & historically troublesome coworker with me” but when that friend is a Greek chorus of internet commenters, it can’t be anything but overkill.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        yeah. Making Alison work while she is sick. Must be a stranger to this neck of the internet woods. Regulars know that is Not Cool.

  41. Zipzap*

    The Gown – A Novel of the Royal Wedding by Jennifer Robson was very good but might be too genre-ish (historical ficiton!) for you. Still an entertaining read I thought. Hope you feel much better soon!

  42. Sam Sepiol*

    I don’t usually watch Black Mirror but I watched Rachel Jack and Ashley Too this week because I’m a huge Nine Inch Nails fan and oh my god, I loved it so very much and have ordered one of the crossover t shirts. “I’m on a roll! Riding so high! Achieving my goals!”

    And now it amuses me to wonder, hmm, is Mariqueen drugging Trent so he agrees to this? I’m easily amused.

  43. Rosie M. Banks*

    World’s most minor ethical dilemma!
    So, there’s a charity in my town that collects the little bottles of shampoo, soap, etc. that one finds in hotels, to give away to homeless people or people in temporary need. When I travel, I bring my own toiletries, so I’ll grab the little bottles off my sink each day, toss them in my suitcase, and bring them home with me. My position is that I’m paying money each night for the hotel, and part of that cost buys one new set of little bottles each day, if I want them. My brother-in-law sees this as minor theft. He says the bottles are placed there for the hotel guest to use while in the hotel, and if I’m not planning to use them myself, I should leave them there. (We are agreed that this is not the most burning ethical issue of the day, that the bottles are environmentally problematic by any standard, and that it would definitely be theft if I was taking handfuls of these things off the housekeeper’s cart.) What do you all think?

    2. Amber Rose*

      Nah. Even if they’re there for guests to use them during their stay, the fact is nothing is free, the cost of them is built into your room fee, and paying for a product makes it yours.

      Now, I stayed in hotels that stocked full, giant bottles of soaps, and those were clearly “take some soap only.” But little disposable soaps are part of your fee.

    4. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

      Honestly, the hotel likely replaces them between guests anyway – they have no way of knowing if the guest has used them or not, because even if they look clean & full, the guest still might have opened them and it might not be hygienic. Not theft.

    5. londonedit*

      If they didn’t want people to use them, they wouldn’t provide them. I don’t really see the difference between using them during your stay and using them afterwards!

    6. Nessun*

      If I stay in a hotel and call down for extra shampoo each night because I have such a mane of hair, they bring it, and don’t charge me extra. If I don’t use all the bottles, and put them in my bag instead, the hotel doesn’t care. So…no, not theft.

    7. RainbowPencils*

      I read an article a few days ago about how some hotels are phasing out the tiny bottles and installing refillable dispensers in their place because it’s more environmentally friendly. The article mentioned that some hotels actually donate partially used bottles to homeless shelters and other charities to lessen the waste. So if it makes you feel any better, they’re probably going to be donated if you don’t take them to donate, so you’re doing what the hotel would be doing anyway! (Though I do think taking them is fine either way. They’re there for you to use. It’s way different from stealing towels, which are more costly and can be reused.)

    8. Anoncorporate*

      You’re in the right. You’re paying for them. I used to so the same thing in my college town (give hotel toiletries to our local shelter that provided free showers to the homeless)

    9. Anathema Device*

      I thought everyone took these. Your BIL is way overthinking it. It’s not like you’re ripping up the carpets!

    10. KR*

      I have been told that even if you don’t use them they usually get thrown away for the reasons Anastacia mentioned. I take them with me and use at home because I can’t stand the waste. You’re paying for the room and I’m sure the hotel is getting them at an extremely low price in bulk.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      You paid for the room, so take them and don’t feel bad.

      I take all the little bottles and the soaps every time I stay somewhere. If I’m staying somewhere that has ones I really, really like, I typically ask for extras from Housekeeping; however, I do leave a tip next to the note. I love the toiletries from the Borgata in Atlantic City, NJ, and the Oliver Wight Inn in Sturbridge, MA (they stock Crabtree & Evelyn).

    12. Lora*

      Hotel throws them away between guests anyway for reasons mentioned above.

      Things hotel does NOT want you to take: towels, robe, sheets, blankets, furniture, TV, phone, TV remote, blow dryer, hangers in closet, cups or glasses, room service cutlery.

      Soaps/toiletries, notepads, pens, the plastic laundry bag even if you’re not having the hotel do your laundry, slippers in plastic wrap, Kleenex, coffee/tea sachets, all fair game. Stayed at a place that gave you yoga socks to wear in the fitness center and they were for keeping too.

    13. Ex-Hotel Manager*

      Hotels want you to take and use them, not theft at all. Don’t take the cutlery, glasses, remotes, blankets, robes, shower curtains or towels though!

      1. university minion*

        One of the early red flags that my now ex needed to go was when he came back from a work trip with multiple rolls of toilet paper and a box of kleenex from the hotel in his suitcase, along with the little bottles of shampoo, etc. Amazingly enough, he tried to justify it as a consumable, so it’s okay to take whatever is in the room. *facepalm*
        Note – neither of us were in any sort of financial position where purchasing paper products or toiletries were a hardship.

    14. Clever Name*

      I live for these small bottles of toiletries! In fancy hotels they’re super nice stuff!

      1. Nana*

        I noticed that sometimes, the little shampoo/conditioner bottles even have a tear-off under the cap, so housekeeping can tell if the bottle’s been partially used. But I’m sure most are just thrown away. I have NO qualms about taking ’em. I send packages to military overseas.

    15. noahwynn*

      My brother manages hotels and says you shouldn’t worry about taking those small bottles. They are generally disposed of between guests anyways unless they are obviously unused. Also, he says hotels often get them for no cost from the shampoo companies as advertising. His hotel has Neutrogena products right now for exactly that reason.

  44. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We move in less than two weeks, and it can’t come fast enough. I am exhausted (waking up every morning at 5 or 5:30 when I usually sleep until 6), I’ve gained weight from all of the going out with people “for the last time”, and I can’t concentrate on much of anything. I’m going away for a few days with some girlfriends this week and we’re spending one morning at the spa and I am looking SO forward to it.

    But everything is going very smoothly. Our landlord is selling the house, and he finally reached an agreement with our neighbor to buy it. We’re friendly with our neighbor and he’s a great guy, so we’re pretty happy about this; it also means that he’ll buy my washer and dryer and we won’t have to do any deep cleaning (he’s getting the windows replaced and definitely painting). Our lease on the new place is signed, utilities are taken care of, doggy daycare is booked (the pooch will spend the day at his “trial” instead of underfoot while our stuff gets moved in) and I’m just ready for something new.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Congrats!
      Take lots of photos of your old place as you left it and of your new place before moving in – for your files.
      May you have many good times in your new place!

  45. Claire*

    OMG, I won an award!!!

    It’s the Lambda Literary Award, and my novel A Study in Honor won for Best Lesbian Mystery.

    The whole awards ceremony was amazing. The emcee was brilliant and funny (and I *loved* their T-shirt that said “They Power”). The room was filled with so much energy. Of course I was convinced I wouldn’t win, so I was sitting in the middle of the row. Apparently I managed to ad-lib a decent (and brief) thank-you speech.

    5. OtterB*

      Good point that it doesn’t have to be all singing and dancing and entertaining her. Some normal family life is good too, e g cook together or run errands.

      Can she do some internet research herself and identify a few things she would like to see/do?

      For a weekend away, I highly recommend Chincoteague. Avoid the pony swim time because it will be crowded/expensive, but otherwise it might be fun to see the difference between Hawaii beaches and an Atlantic barrier island.

      The Milennial Stage at the Kennedy Center has free shows at 6:00 pm year round. Congrats!

      1. OtterB*

        Oops, all but the Congrats was supposed to be for the person whose partner’s 12 year was coming to visit.

      1. Claire*

        Thank you, everyone!

        @OtterB: *g* Though I agree that Chincoteague & Assateague are great places to visit. We made a day trip there last summer. Great beaches and seeing the wild ponies was delightful. I recall going to the visitors center afterwards just going, “Ponies! I saw ponies!” The park rangers were amused.

    7. Emily*

      Congratulations! What an honor! (Like several others, I’m off to look up your book and see if it’s something I might be interested in.)

    9. Invisible Fish*

      Your 411 about your writing already had me interested- now this has moved up on my list, which, considering the length of my TBR pile, is praise indeed! Congratulations!!!

    11. Claire*

      Many, many thanks to you all!

      For those who might be interested, the novel is a re-imagining of Watson & Holmes, with W&H as two black queer women in a near future Washington, DC. (And I’m working on a proposal for a third book in the series, so wish me luck with the publishing gods.)

  46. Penguin*

    If the person who asked for suggestions to manage black swallow-wort last week wants to drop in this week with a vague description of where they are (e.g. what state/province) I’d be happy to try and help with suggestions!

  47. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Probiotic gummies: anyone try them before?

    Due to bloat from food poisoning, stomach issues, I took 1 on a full stomach (normal adult dose was 2 on a full stomach but I halve them since I’m smaller framed).

    My very bloated stomach magically shrunk back to normal. Only weird side effect was bizarre neck pain/headache and that night sleeping was near impossible (plus effects on stool…). But now I feel de-bloated. Taking some kombucha for now since the probiotic was overly strong.

    Any other sources of probiotics out there (besides yogurt and kimchi and sauerkraut)? I mistakenly bought pickles thinking they were probiotic—alas they had vinegar :(((

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I like water kefir. Making it yourself is easier and a lot faster than making kombucha (plus no vinegar smell). You can buy the grains on Amazon.

      For premade, the Kevita brand (usually next to kombucha) is one. I like the mojito flavor.

    2. Ethyl*

      I’ve seen a brand of naturally fermented pickles at my Wegmans in the natural food section. It’s also hella easy to ferment your own foods. Sandor Katz is the author to check out for that if you’re interested. (Content note that Wild Fermentation has a weird section with some really odd musings about an acquaintance of his that is trans; the book was written in the early 90s so it’s probably as good as it could have been, but it uh, doesn’t age well.) The Art of Fermentation is the more current work.

      1. Ethyl*

        I actually looked it up, actually it was published in 2003 which makes the issues mentioned above pretty inexcusable, just to update my content note.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      We all take probiotics in our house, after an illness or any sort of tummy upset (like travel really messes me up). The grownups usually take an acidophilus capsule, the kids take the gummies.

      It’s never been magically fast like that, especially only one. It’s not a drug – you’re just re-seeding your internal culture. It takes a couple of days, up to a week to feel the effects. You can’t overdose on them unless maybe you’re sensitive to some ingredient in the gummy candy.

      I’d expect the headache + other same-day symptoms are far more likely to be the last of your illness passing off.

      For an alternative fermented food, my husband makes ginger beer (non alcoholic). It takes about a week to ferment the starter or “bug”, and then 1-2 days to make a batch of beer or lemonade. If you have a grolsch bottle (with the wired stopper), you can trap the carbonation as it ferments and the drink will be fizzy!

      1. Lilysparrow*

        For reference, when my 11-year-old had mystery stomach aches, the pediatrician recommend a double dose of probiotics (gummies) morning and evening for a month. So that’s quadruple the dose you took, and she weighed maybe 80-85 lbs at the time.

        She was noticeably better in a week and right as rain in 2 weeks. So that’s why I don’t think you need to worry about the probiotic cultures themselves being too strong, just whether the delivery medium agrees with you.

    4. bunniferous*

      I do the gummies! I started with one instead of two and now I do the two. Usually when I go back to doing probiotics the first day or two is ….interesting but after that it solves my digestive issues. There are probably better ways to do probiotics but for now these work great for me.

  48. So annoyed at empty promises*

    Honestly I am so sick of flaky people. The whole “open up your heart and accept help” is total BS when soooo many people who offer help flake out. When I do everything myself, it sucks and I’m exhausted, but at least things actually get done. What’s the point of calling-out flaky people since they’ll continue to be flaky and I’ll continue to have to do everything myself? Is everyone just so busy and disconnected from their truth that they are spread too thin? Rein it in, or don’t make promises.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. I wish people would just show they’re there for you with their actions instead of promising with their words that they will be, and then flaking out.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      IME, the people who say “yes” most readily tend toward idealistic distortion – yes, sure! No problem! Rose-colored glasses, etc.

      Which means they underestimate difficulties & logistical conflicts, and overestimate their time, energy, and ability to fold space.

      People who are dead-on solid & reliable also tend to be much harder to get a commitment from.

      I’m sorry you’re struggling, and I hope you get some of that reliable help soon.

    3. Budgie Buddy*

      Sorry. This is hard, even when it’s just making plans to hang out. If you actually need help, that makes their flippancy more scummy.

      Sometimes it’s not the thought that counts.

  49. Jessi*

    So……

    I’m just about to move into my own apartment/ flat after a long time living abroad/ in work provided accommodation. I’m thrilled as I was getting so fed up looking at places.

    So what should I rush out and buy that I will need and what should I wait to purchase

    1. heckofabecca*

      I just moved last Saturday! Here’s a list based on my last week:
      – trash bags (trash *cans* are imo less urgent—you can twist them shut)
      – bathroom stuff: PLUNGER, toilet paper, shower curtain/liner. Less urgent: toilet bowl cleaner/brush
      – cleaning supplies (paper towels, all-purpose cleaner, sponges/dish soap)
      – kitchen: food. something to eat off of (plates can be paper to start if you want to spend some time looking). some kind of table is useful too (I’m still using a folding table, which depending if you like company can come in handy later on). Cup(s).
      – kitchen con’t: depending what you like to eat, a few basic cooking things. utensils, a pot, a baking tray. potholder/kitchen towel.
      – depending on your new place: lamps, plug adaptors/extension cords, dish rack
      – something to sleep on

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Just think of what you use every day and go with that… but minimal. Bed. One great set of sheets. One towel set. Table and chair. Can opener. One lamp. A baking sheet. Etc. If you are short on cash, go to a charity shop and get two bowls, two plates, two spoons, etc. and later buy a whole set of whatever you like. When we moved overseas we did not need to bring furniture but needed enough household goods to last for several months until our big shipment arrived, and the one thing I couldn’t wait to get was the popcorn popper! It’s kind of nice to start from scratch and figure out what you need/want and what fits in the space v. making what you have work! Sounds exciting; good luck!

    3. Thursday Next*

      Take your time shopping for a mattress. It’s a pricey item that you’ll use every day for about 10 years.

      Broom+dustpan or Swiffer with dry and wet cloths, paper towels and all-purpose spray cleaner

      I’ve been using gel mats in my kitchen for years and find they make standing in one place (like for washing dishes) so much easier. It’s not an urgent purchase, but I think it makes a difference in daily life.

  50. Grits McGee*

    Obligatory request for podcast recommendations post!!!!!

    I just finished the excellent Chernobyl podcast from the showrunner of the Chernobyl HBO series, and I’m really hankering for more knowledgeable, in-depth, longform podcasts to follow up. Any recs for podcasts that fit this bill?

    1. BRR*

      There was a recent podcast on Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos that was great. I enjoyed Slate’s slow burn.

    2. LGC*

      Do you have any preferences for subject matter?

      I’ll actually throw back to last year – “American Fiasco.” It’s about the USMNT ’98 World Cup team, and their disastrous run. It’s also hosted by Roger Bennett from Men in Blazers so it’s a riot.

      I recommend it if you’re into soccer or schadenfreude. (In fact, the pod dropped right before the men’s World Cup last year! There were jokes.)

    3. Ethyl*

      Hardcore History is a good one if you’re interested in historical subjects! Real, real long and deep dives into topics. Boy do I know a KOT about the Anabaptists now….

    4. Minerva McGonagall*

      Unobscured is really interesting-the first season goes in depth into the Salem witch trials, and has several follow up episodes that are the full interviews with the historians featured in the show. I also enjoyed Slow Burn from Slate.

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      Have you already listened to The Dream by Jane Marie? That’s all about MLMs, and it’s a super deep dive.

      Also, even though every single episode is about a different thing, the You’re Wrong About Podcast goes pretty deep into detail on each topic.

    1. LGC*

      …whoops!

      Anyway.

      I would have started the running thread earlier, but I got dragged out at 5 in the morning. (I would have started it later if I hadn’t accidentally submitted!)

      How’s everyone else been? I’ve been lying a bit low lately.

      1. londonedit*

        Also lying a bit low. This time of year is hard for me with hayfever and warm weather! Managed a decent parkrun last Saturday and 6 miles last Sunday, despite the weather being really warm (another thing that always scuppers my running in the summer) and I’d planned to get back to doing a couple of midweek runs, but I’ve been suffering with an awful chesty cough this week. Made it out to parkrun again this morning and was actually 20 seconds quicker than last week, but my breathing was all over the place so I think I’ll give myself a day off tomorrow!

        1. LGC*

          Aw man, take care of yourself! Hopefully you feel better soon.

          I was going to make a suggestion to run early in the morning, but I actually had to take my glasses off because they were fogging up this morning! (It was in the 60s F, so around 20c?)

          1. londonedit*

            Yeah, I went out at 8:30 last Sunday morning and it was about 20C. It’s not super warm yet but warm enough for me and my pale English skin! In an ideal world I’d run before work, but I already get up at 6:30 so even doing a morning 5k would involve getting up at 5:30 instead, which just seems a little early for me! I have done that in the height of summer when it’s 30+ degrees during the day, but it’s only really for emergencies!

            1. LGC*

              I’ve had to do that a couple of times – usually when the weather is bonkers for my area (and I mean, days in the summer where it’s hit 100F). In my case, that involves getting up at 4:30 or earlier to fit in a run and a shower before work – and since even in summer the sun doesn’t rise until around 5:30 here, that means pulling on a headlamp. In the middle of summer.

      2. gecko*

        I’m running less, which sucks, but I’m biking a lot more—I’ve started bike commuting most days. It’s done wonders for my running. Cross-training really works! But yeah, I’m trying to figure out now whether I can/should run on the same days I bike to work…as ever, those logistics are honestly the hardest part about running for me.

        So yeah, also lying a bit low, even though I thought the spring would be so much better for getting out more often :p

        1. LGC*

          Hey, you’re replacing instead of just not doing anything!

          Anyway – it depends. It’s definitely possible (and in a triathlon, you usually transition from bike directly to run anyway). I’ve found that after hard runs, I’m a little shaky cycling, but it’s not too crazy.

      3. Blue Horizon*

        Low key for me (typically cold and rainy here at this time of year and also cold/illness season, so I’m picking my days) but generally good. Running is feeling the best it has done for a while – I can just get into cruise mode and go. It doesn’t cause any aches or niggles, and in fact if I have aches or niggles starting out then it often makes them go away.

        Also replaced my shoes, which is giving me a bit of extra spring. They seem to fit a bit better than the previous model, and don’t pinch in the one spot that the older ones always seemed to, so I might actually have a hope of getting rid of the permanent callus/layered blister that always sits there.

        (formerly posting as Bulbasaur)

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I have happier news to report than the last time I posted here:

      My shutdown for plantar fasciitis ended up lasting only two and a half weeks. I’ve made huge progress in the past 10 days or so and I’m very slowly starting to run again. Although not running sucked royally, I’m really grateful for how lucky I was — a stress fracture or any number of things could have sidelined me far longer. My foot seems to be better, but I’m going to be extra cautious for quite awhile. After not running at all, I’ve been just as happy running two miles at a clip as I was running double digits before!

      Although my first-ever prolonged running shutdown was frustrating, overall, I think my experience may end up being working out to be positive in the end:

      (1) After 15 years of running on a regular basis, I FINALLY got myself professionally fitted for running shoes. I’ve been afraid to do so because sports stores tend to be as bad as used car dealerships, and I found the shoes I got through big-box stores to be good enough, until this year. But I found a really good local shop that made the experience pleasant, and the shoes I’m running in now are substantially better than what I was running in before. Hopefully that will mean better runs and less risk of injury going forward.

      (2) I think I kind of needed a mental break from running anyway. Even before I got hurt, I found I was not getting excited about going out for a run, which is strange for me. Now I am again, which is good.

      (3) I’ve found that I actually don’t mind the exercise bike that I adopted as an emergency way to get exercise in the absence of running. I’m going to keep riding it on some of the days that I don’t run — so if an exercise bike counts as cross-training, I’ll be cross-training for the very first time (!)

      1. LGC*

        Glad you’re on the road to recovery! You’re probably right in that…it might have been a bit of a blessing in disguise where you COULDN’T run for a little bit.

        (And to be honest, I kind of had the same thing going on where a couple of weeks ago, I was like, “Jesus Christ I’m NOT DONE YET?!”)

    3. Searching*

      My run this morning felt like I was wading through molasses. From the way I felt it was hard to believe that I ran a half only 3 weeks ago and today less than 5K was a struggle. Just an off day I hope.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        It happens! I’ve always thought runners are like baseball pitchers. On some days they have their great stuff, and on other days they have nothing, and there’s no rhyme or reason why. It’s just one of those mysterious things about being a runner.

    4. Emily*

      I’ve been struck with Achilles tendon issues (probably an overuse injury), so I haven’t been running at all recently! I have been playing ultimate frisbee (probably in an ideal world, I wouldn’t do that either, but I feel bad letting down my teammates and my pain/symptoms aren’t that bad) and doing other sorts of exercise.

      I assume by now I’ve lost some speed and endurance, but I hope to get back to it sometime this summer or fall. One small advantage of having a somewhat spotty running history (I’ve gone through a couple of half-marathon training cycles as well as periods like now when I hardly run at all) is that I trust in my ability to build back my running fitness when I am ready to start again.

    5. CheeryO*

      I’m usually way late to the weekend thread and don’t bother posting, but I’ve been reading! I’m training for Erie in September. I knocked about 3 minutes off my half PR a couple weeks ago with a 1:44, so I’m slowly getting closer to being able to think about training for a BQ (3:30 for me). Maybe next year!

      It’s heat acclimation season, which is never fun. I ran a solid minute slower than my usual easy pace this morning, and my heart rate was still out of control, and it was only 75 degrees! Hoping tomorrow will feel slightly better for my long run.

      1. LGC*

        …I’m notorious for encouraging people to shoot for the damn moon like it’s nothing, but you’re probably able to train for a BQ now! 2020 and 2021 should be relatively sane, since they just dropped the standards, so you wouldn’t have to run THAT much under 3:30. If you’re running a 1:44 half, that should translate into a 3:40 or thereabouts full – which sounds like a lot, but if you were able to knock 3 minutes off your half marathon PR, you could consider taking a huge chunk off your full time. Especially if you aim for 2021 – that’s 15 months away.

        Also, I hear you on this time of year. Friday I was out for my team workout and there was literally a puddle under me. At 6:30 in the morning. When it was in the high 60s. It was not pleasant!

  52. Amber Rose*

    Oh, I thought about being anon for this but who cares. We made a horrible, terrible, very expensive mistake.

    That puppy I was so excited about is a nightmare. She won’t be trained, she’s moved from barking at the cat to biting him, she’s destroyed half our carpet, and she frankly takes up all our time and energy.

    My cat slinks around the house like he’s waiting to be killed. He’s lost weight. He doesn’t purr anymore. His whole body is tense and he’s too afraid to cuddle anymore. He doesn’t kiss me. I feel like I’ve ruined his life and I’m just the biggest jackass.

    Guys, all things aside that puppy has bonded to me and I love her. My boss generously allowed me to bring her to work all week and she stole everyone’s hearts while still clinging to me. But I don’t think I can be the owner she needs.

    It’s only been a week but we’re gonna rehome her. I found a nice lady. My heart is shattering. I’ve cried for two straight days. I feel like a loser quitter after just a week. But this is what’s best, right?

    1. ATX Language Learner*

      Oh this is so sad but I think it’s for the best as well. I would be heartbroken if I had gotten a puppy and my 2 dogs who I’ve had for 10 and 13 years became depressed and sad.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I think you’re doing the right thing. Your cat is going to be so relieved, and the puppy is going to a good home.

    2. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

      It can take time to housebreak and train puppies! I would not expect a puppy to be trained after only a week. They take a lot of time and energy to train, and the training needs to be pretty much constant. If you think you can make the time commitment (think, staying home for several days, and paying a lot of attention to puppy all day) then it’s possible she can be trained. But if not, then yes, it might be the best thing for the puppy – and for the cat – to be rehomed.

      1. Turtlewings*

        I do agree that the puppy may just need more time — but probably a LOT of time, and I think Amber Rose’s first responsibility is to the cat she had first, who is now miserable and in honestly alarming shape (losing weight? not good). Amber Rose, if you decide to give the puppy more time to settle, I won’t blame you, and it might eventually work out! But I also tend to think your household isn’t best suited to a puppy. Maybe you could try again with an older, more mellow dog. I’m so sorry this hasn’t worked out, I know it’s terribly painful.

        1. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

          Oh, agreed! You’re not doing anything wrong by rehoming – it’s not great to rehome older dogs, but a puppy should have no trouble finding a loving home and adjusting. If you can’t make the time commitment, then it’s realistically better to rehome.

    3. Lady Jay*

      A couple years ago, I got a cat–my first one, I was so excited! And she was a hassle–threw up on the carpet regularly, pulled all the netting off the underside of my bed mattress when she went to hide there, got litter everywhere, the works. She was sweet curled up on my bed in the morning, but between the time it took to care for her and the exPENsive special wet food she needed to keep her from throwing up every two days, it was increasingly clear I was not the best person to care for her. I rehomed her.

      You stress that you can’t be the owner she needs, and that’s important to keep in mind. Rehoming an animal can feel like a really jerky move–but it’s not. In cases like your puppy, or my cat, the truth is that the animal will be happier in a situation with someone who has the resources to care for them. You’re not a quitter; you’re doing what’s best for the dog.

    4. fposte*

      Yes, it’s what’s best for the puppy, and probably the cat, too.

      Amber Rose, puppies are hard. I would never, ever recommend anybody who wants a dog get a puppy. And any dog you get will likely upset your cat for several weeks. Likely it will settle down, but bringing a puppy home is like bringing a baby home if it were at the toddler stage–it blows your life up and wrecks your house all in one. It’s tough to get through, and I think it makes sense to understand if it’s more than your household can face.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Yeah. We had litters when I was a kid, so I thought I could handle it. What I overlooked was that our momma dog kept the pups in line most of the time. Puppies are better behaved when they learn how to dog from other dogs.

        Our puppy is with my sister in law and her dogs right now, and I hear she’s being on her best behavior.

        She leaves us Tuesday. I get Monday night and Tuesday morning with her to say goodbye. It hurts so bad but it’s the kindest thing I can do for all of us.

        1. Clever Name*

          Totally agree about puppies learning how to dog from other dogs. We’ve had our puppy for a few months now, and I know for sure she’d be even worse behaved if we didn’t have our elderly dog to keep her in line.

    5. Smol Book Wizard*

      I had a similar experience: got the little baby doggie I had hoped and prayed for, took her back to my apartment, and nothing really made sense from there. I found that while I had time in my schedule to take care of a dog (as I’ve since proven with my lovely grown-up poodle), I just couldn’t handle the randomness, immaturity, and demands that come with a puppy just being a puppy. Part of that was also due to a bad roommate situation and some mental health things I was in denial about, but – nonetheless. And the puppy loved me too. She would fall asleep on my foot in the kitchen and snuggle and play games with me and want to be cuddled when I came back and took her out of the crate after class. And make puddles on the carpet at a moment’s notice, and demand my attention when I was trying to make my food after feeding her,, and want to put half the world in her mouth, too.
      It was *because* she loved me so much, I think, that I had the courage to return her to her breeder. The little things trust us so, and sometimes (as I see it) that means we have to make choices for them that aren’t the comfortable thing for either of us in the short-term. Your puppy will bond with her new owner too, and that new owner will feel same joy that you feel about her at her best moments. I’ve loved many dogs that I can’t keep (long-time rescue volunteer here heh), and they were a gift to me for the time I had them, and I reassure myself that they are gifts for someone else now. Maybe even somebody who wouldn’t have had the chance to have them, except that I took care of them first.
      Best wishes – whether all the above ramblings make sense to anyone but me or not. You are not a quitter or a loser, and just because this-dog-now didn’t work doesn’t mean that some-dog-later won’t be perfect for you, either.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Your puppy will be loved in its new place and your cat will have peace again. You did the right thing right away.
      I hope your heart will patch up in time. Be extra kind to yourself. Time will help.

    7. Managing to get by*

      I love dogs and will probably have at least two dogs for the rest of my life or as long as I’m able to care for them.

      And I don’t think I’ll ever get a puppy. Maybe after I retire and can be home all day, but probably not.

      I get dogs who are at least a year old but preferably two or older. Training a puppy well is pretty much a full-time job for the first few months and I already work full-time. Plus you can tell how they are with cats and other dogs and kids, they are past the “chew everything” phase and their energy has leveled out a bit.

      Sorry you need to rehome your puppy but you are doing the right thing. You’ll find the right dog if you keep looking.

      1. Amber Rose*

        My heart hurts too much for that right now. We’re thinking we’ll let the cat age and leave us before thinking again about a new pet.

        I love him too much to stress him out like this again. He’s my baby. I would do anything for that cat.

    8. Book Lover*

      Can you instead think of it as making the best choice for the puppy rather than giving it more time and making it harder for everyone? I am so sorry it hasn’t been the experience you wanted but I think it sounds like you are making a good choice

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A while back, I adopted an absolutely gorgeous dog and named him Tyrion. He was sweet as hell and too smart for his own good – to use a phrase I’ve heard since, so sharp he’d cut himself. I once caught him with his front paws on the counter, having gotten an upper cupboard open, trying to chew open a bottle of chili powder. He broke through two gates to get into the bathroom and ate half a bottle of ibuprofen out of the medicine cabinet. (Super super bad for dogs.) We had two gates, one above the other, for a total height of six feet, to keep him out of the kitchen – so he used his paw to raise up the six inch board at the bottom and eeled his way under. He ate a king sized comforter. Not chewed up, not shredded – ate. After about a month, when I’d had to take him to the vet about six times because he’d gotten into various things and made himself sick, I called up the shelter, in absolute wrecked tears, and told them I had to bring him back, I just couldn’t do it anymore, and I couldn’t keep him safe from his own behaviors.

    10. LaurelP*

      I will echo others and say that puppies will turn your life upside down for a while. I adopted mine as a puppy and have fostered many more, so I know firsthand that a week can feel like an eternity when you’re constantly cleaning up accidents and getting woken up by puppy squeaks at the crack of dawn and dodging nips every time you move. Training a puppy is a big job and adding a dog to your home changes it forever and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. You’ve got your cat’s wellbeing to consider as well as your own stress level, so it sounds like you’re making the right choice for everyone (puppy included).

      The one thing I will suggest is that if you got your dog from a rescue, check any paperwork you signed, since typically you agree to return the dog to their care if it does not work out. I know rescues I have worked with always want the dogs they adopted out back so they can find and approve their next adopter through their process (checking references/vets, home visits, etc.). This might not apply to you, depending on how you got your puppy, but thought I’d throw it out there so you don’t end up in an uncomfortable situation if they call to check up on how you and the puppy are doing.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Thankfully pupper came from a casual breeder. Unfortunately, we dropped much money on her and will be getting a small fraction back. But I consider that my penalty.

    11. Dan*

      We got my guy when he was 1. But the first two nights we had him, he Barked. Constantly. All. Night. Long. I live in an apartment, so he wasn’t that far from us, plus neighbors. I told myself (and my ex) that we had a week to figure out how to shut him up at night, or he was going to get returned to sender.

      He shut up on day 3. The funny thing is, now he’s quiet as a mouse; he’ll go a week without barking.

    12. Silver Fig*

      My friend Tracy got one of those little fluffy dogs when her calico was a senior cat, about 8 or 9 years old. The dog was a lunatic that never calmed down, despite multiple trips to obedience school. Her calico was constantly under siege and took to hiding in the closet. That cat lived the rest of her life in terrified solitude, because “the kids want a dog”.

      Get rid of the dog. It’s the right thing to do.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Yeah. :(
        She’s leaving us on Tuesday. Right now my sister in law is watching her. There’s already two dogs at their house, and little miss is being perfectly behaved around them.

    13. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending hug. Just got a 6 year old rescue (small) dog today, but 2 dogs ago, I had to rehome one – and I’m pretty experienced (26 years of dog ownership, fostering,adoption – but only 1 puppy). Rehoming is the best thing… the doggie at my feet is very happy with me. My previous +1 / 2 dogs ago… not. Small young dog was not working out -and I gave him a VERY long time. He almost ruined the life and personality of the other dog, as well as every carpet, rug, and upholstered piece of furniture I owned. Loved my spouse, but was not the right dog for us or our household. He is very happy where he is now (someone doting on him 24×7, 2 kids, non-stop lap time, and linoleum floors). I still have random guilt, but it is diminishing. My other dog blossomed back into normal once he quit terrorizing her. She was a sweetheart up until she died… but he came to visit once and she actually growled and then hid. Clearly, not every home is right for every dog.
      Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty. And don’t beat up yourself for doing the right thing, either.

    14. ...*

      A week isn’t very long… When I had a puppy things were rough for months. they make noise and can be destructive because they’re chewing. that being said it sounds like you don’t want the dog around so I don’t think you are doing anything wrong if there is someone willing to provide a nice home.

    15. Sick of Workplace Bullshit*

      Absolutely! You can’t put yourself or your cat through that. I had to take a cat I’d gotten from the Humane Society back after two months because she was a destructive chewer and fought with my other cat. I was so upset. I cried. But it was the right thing to do. Take care, and be nice to yourself!

  53. HannahS*

    Give me your advice on how to support a young adult whose mom has a terminal illness. I’d especially like to hear from anyone Chinese or familiar with Chinese Buddhism. He and I are good friends, but my experience with death and dying has always been within my own cultural context* and I’m sure there are cultural expectations and beliefs around death, parent-child relationships, appreciated expressions of grief and condolence, etc. that I don’t know about. I also don’t know his family well, so my support will be aimed at him and his girlfriend, and I don’t want to intrude into his mom’s illness.

    *Ashkenaz, so basically “show up with food as much as possible” and then of course we have some pretty clearly outlined funerary and mourning practices, traditionally.

    1. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

      I think “show up with food” is good in many cultures. I’m not Chinese, but thinking about the logistics of grocery-buying and cooking while dealing with grief is hard for anyone, I would think.

    2. OyHiOh*

      “Show up with food” translates across culture pretty well.

      I would ask some questions first about if there are foods or ingredients that are comforting/traditional or things to be avoided. And also, if he would rather have “pull out of the fridge and eat” food or grocery cards to do his/their shopping themselves. I went back and forth quite a bit on that last point – there were times when I made a list and desperately needed someone to shop for me, and times when I needed the break of getting out and doing normal human stuff like shopping.

      He might appreciate if you set up a meal train (there’s a website!) but find out how frequently he would want meals to show up, and what sizes (does he eat leftovers or is he not a leftovers person?) so a train can be as useful as possible.

      Another option might be an instacart membership/gift certificates. Even someone who is pretty functional getting day to day stuff done can feel pretty overwhelmed by grocery shopping. A delivery service can make some of those tasks easier.

      1. HannahS*

        Thank you, I really value your perspective as someone who navigated this recently.

    3. Kuododi*

      People are usually grateful when I don’t cook!!! There are however, pretty universal issues which need attention regardless of life circumstances. (Laundry needs to be completed, bathrooms need cleaning, errands such as groceries and pharmacy will have to be attended. Depending on the family, pets would need to be fed, watered etc). It’s worth a phone call to discuss with friend what chores need attention and where you can plug in to help. Best regards to you all.

  54. Anyone an EU lawyer?*

    Anyone here familiar with the Danish legal system? I’m an immigrant to Denmark, and my landlord just informed me that they are retroactively raising our rent. The amount isn’t that much, but I don’t understand how this is legal – the lease does say they can raise the rent periodically, but one would assume that they have to tell you *in advance* when they raise it, not afterward! I’m moving out of this building soon, because there have also been a ridiculous number of maintenance issues. But I don’t know how – or if I can – dispute this!

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Looks like no. I googled “tenant rights Denmark rent increases” and found a number of websites. Seems like you have to have 3 months notice and no rent increase for the last 2 years at a glance. And be in keeping with local rental rates/consumer price index.

      Also, there seem to be local Denmark Rental Councils that deal with disputes.

      If I were you, I wouldn’t pay it. Much easier to keep your money than to get your money back in the event of a dispute.

    2. Winnie*

      Not sure about Denmark, but in Belgium they can raise the rent with inflation every year on the anniversary of your lease, and this can be retroactive. I just had a dispute about this with my landlord because they increased it by the wrong amount. I got the letter mid-March for an increase starting with March’s rent.

      1. londonedit*

        When you say retroactive, do you mean you then have to pay the difference between the rent you’ve paid for the last year and the rent you’re now being asked to pay? As in, you’ve been paying £1000 a month but now it’s £1100 and it was actually £1100 for the last year so now you owe us money? Sorry if I’m not understanding it properly!

        I believe in the UK a landlord can only increase the rent at the renewal of the tenancy, and there’s a limit on how much they can increase it by. But you sign a new tenancy agreement to renew, and the new rent amount applies from then on.

        1. Anyone an EU lawyer?*

          Retroactive as in, they sent us a letter last week informing us that they have decided to raise the rent, effective January 2019 – 6 months ago. So that we owe them rent for the last 6 months, despite having paid every rent & utility invoice they sent us. We’re moving out soon, and I think they plan on just taking it out of our deposit, but they are asking everyone else in the building to pay extra rent on their next billing cycle. But it’s insane – this building only opened October 2017!

          1. noahwynn*

            That just seems crazy. Especially when in general most areas European countries are more consumer friendly than the US.

        2. Winnie*

          I think it can go back up to 3 months. I got the letter mid-March and had to pay the increased rent starting with March’s rent (which had already been paid at the start of the month). How much the rent can be raised is defined by law. My rent was increased about 15 euros on a total of 700 euros.

    3. Weegie*

      This intrigued me – as in, *it can’t possibly be legal* – so I’ve just spent a happy 20 insomniac minutes browsing the unbelievable amount of websites (in English) dedicated to Danish rental law.

      Seems like the field is a quagmire and most of the advice is about landlords illegally pitching rent too high, but I found an article on the digura.dk website about just the situation you describe. According to it, there is a provision for landlords to raise rent retroactively, but by no more than five months, and only if the operating costs of running the building (utilities) or property taxes have gone up.

      I googled ‘rent increases Denmark’ and this article came up first, but there are others – and a few of the websites seem to be run by tenants’ rights organisations who can help you to check/challenge particular situations like this. Thank heavens I don’t live in Denmark, is all I can say. Good luck!

    4. Dane here*

      Retroactive rent raises can only be made for increased taxes and costs imposed by the municipality (“afgifter”). The have to be announced by the end of May and the landlord has to present details about the increased costs and how they were distributed on tenants.
      The reason this is possible is that the municipality sends out the notice for taxes/afgifter in May, covering retroactively back to Jan 1. So, they simply will not know about the amount until May.
      If you get badly in trouble with a landlord, consider joining the national organization of tenants (LLO).

  55. LittleBeans*

    Should we delay our honeymoon? Fiance and I are getting married in July. I’ve already requested the time off work and done a bunch of research/planning for a trip to Thailand and Bali, but my partner is now thinking he’d rather wait until winter break (he’s a teacher, so can only take extended time off during school breaks). His rationale is that the summer is too busy already. But I’m worried it will just feel like a regular trip, and not something special, if we wait 6 months. Also, I really don’t want to just go back into our daily routine right after the wedding, so I’d at least want a few days away somewhere. Then we’re basically planning 2 honeymoons…

      1. LittleBeans*

        Yeah as I was writing it, I started thinking, why would I argue against 2 vacations??

      2. Overeducated*

        Yes! I did this for financial reasons – winter wedding, immediate honeymoon was a B&B in driving distance, we saved up two years for our “real” honeymoon overseas. Having two vacations and a lot of time to anticipate and plan separately, instead of having to plan it as the same time as all the wedding stuff, was awesome. Would recommend!

    2. BRR*

      I honeymooned a few months after my wedding and I loved it. I was exhausted after the wedding. I can’t imagine enjoying a trip. Plus I got to go to a warm climate at a time where I could enjoy it more.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We did our honeymoon before the (Friday) wedding, actually, and went back to work on Monday :) (maybe Tuesday?)

      Bonuses to waiting: more time to save and plan. You can get all the post-wedding details sorted out and, if you’re name changing, go on your honeymoon under your married name. You’re not going straight from the stress of the wedding into the stress of international travel, you get a little breathing room. The weather might be better, I dunno?

      Ponder a bit, what would distinguish it from being a regular trip vs a honeymoon? What would you need to do to make the difference in your own head?

    4. Washi*

      My husband and I did our honeymoon 6 months after the wedding, and it was beautiful and special, but it did feel mainly like a regular trip. We did a 3 day weekend a few weeks after the wedding and that felt much more like a honeymoon, even though we’d actually planned that to just be a regular trip. I actually kind of wish we’d honeymooned right away, but we couldn’t have taken as much time off, so what we ended up doing was a good compromise!

    5. Dan*

      I don’t think we can offer you good advice on the “feeling like a regular trip” or not if you wait, but…

      I’d wait.

      You don’t say how long you’re going to be gone, but traveling that IMHO is only worth it if you can go for at least two weeks. Honestly, I’d even shoot for three or four weeks if that’s possible. A long trip like that is going to take a bit of planning, and that seems like a lot on top of a wedding. (I’ve been to that part of the world three or four times now, I think. It gets easier each time, but the first is daunting.)

      Second is seasonal weather concerns. If you’re coming from North America, you’ll be heading to a tropical region that will require a 20 hour flight with at least one layover. More importantly, it’s monsoon season in Thailand. April through October is low season accompanied with quite a bit of rainy weather. All in all, I don’t think you’d enjoy it nearly as much in July as you would during the North American winter when it’s cold and you really feel like you want to get away.

      What’s wrong with two honeymoons?

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        This. Thailand in mid to late November was definitely on the cusp – weather getting better but still clouds and showers. Some areas aren’t even accessible or there is limited tourist infrastructure open at the time because its rainy season. I would definitely wait until over the school holidays for the big tropical vacation!

    6. roisin54*

      My parents had two honeymoons when they got married in the 70s. They really wanted to go to Walt Disney World but couldn’t afford it at the time, so they took a trip to a local lake resort area right after the wedding. Then they saved their money for two years and went to WDW. They consider that to be their real honeymoon because it was much more special to them.

    7. DrTheLiz*

      Husband and I went on our honeymoon trip about six months after the wedding because getting married in August is lovely but Rome in August is not. Rome in February is a delight.

    8. bunniferous*

      The weather in Thailand will be much more pleasant in December, for what it is worth.

    9. Kuododi*

      I promise, there’s no rule saying 2 honeymoons are forbidden. ;). My wonderful sister and brother-in-law took a long weekend for the wedding/ mini honeymoon. At the time, brother in law owned his own business and couldn’t afford to take extended time away until about six months later. If I remember correctly, they took 10 days or so and did the cruise in the Carribean. I’m jealous y’all are getting to go Thailand and Bali. Best wishes to you and your beloved as y’all plan your futures together.

  56. heckofabecca*

    How do people handle getting things from their ex’s place?? I’m in the midst of a divorce, but I want the shared property he’s agreed I can have now that I’ve settled somewhere for the foreseeable future. (I suspect all this would be easier if he hadn’t help my *personal* property hostage last time I was there… And maybe also if I had a car :/)

    1. Reba*

      Can you arrange to get it when Ex is NOT there?

      It sounds like having someone accompany you would be a good move. A friend with a vehicle perhaps? ;)

    2. Turtlewings*

      I’ve known people who had the ex leave their stuff on the porch and they came by when he wasn’t home to get it. Whether he’s supposed to be there or not, take company. You don’t want to get sucked into, at best, yet another argument when you just want to get in and out with your stuff, and having a friend to run interference can help a lot.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yup. Take someone (or more) with you. Or have someone else pick it up. Or have a “civil standby” with police.
        Just DON’T go alone when he’s there. That’s the worst choice.
        Best of luck.

    3. Slartibartfast*

      Contact the local police)sheriff on the non emergency line, especially if you have a written agreement. They can advise and escort if needed.

    4. Rebecca*

      I texted mine and asked him to put some items on the porch for me, and I stopped by the house and picked them up while he was at work. I second the comments above: have someone go with you, maybe a big man with a pickup truck, or two big men with a pickup truck – I live in rural PA so it wouldn’t be difficult for me to round up some guys to help :)

      1. Llellayena*

        Yes, I was thinking draft a friend who is over 6 feet tall, built like a linebacker and owns a truck (does not have to be a guy, but there are fewer women out there with that description!).

  57. Best cat in the world*

    Ink stains! Has anyone got any tips for getting black ink stains out of clothes? Brand new uniform shirt and the blinking pen leaked in my pocket!! The shirt is dark green so it’s not the end of the world if I can’t get it all out but I’d like to try and minimise the stain that’s left.
    Thanks :)

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      If it’s ballpoint pen, hairspray works really well. Saturate the area with hairspray before washing. Don’t put in the dryer until you’re sure all the I k is gone.

    2. Tesserae*

      Airplay, not the aerosol kind. I got most of a major ink stain out od a white shirt that way. Just hold the stained part over a sink and keep spraying. The spray will break the ink down and the whole mess of liquid will run through the fabric and down the drain. Takes a while, bit once you feel like what’s running down the drain is clear, wash the shirt.

    4. buttrue???*

      Resolve stain stick. Apply and let sit for a few days. Check before drying and repeat if it’s less but not gone yet. I have been able to remove some stains that had already been dried into clothes.

    5. Slartibartfast*

      The thing in hairspray that makes it work is the rubbing alcohol, so skip to the source and buy a bottle at the drug store. Put a wad of paper towel (or a cloth towel you don’t care about) on the front side of the stain and pour a cap full of alcohol on the back side of it, blot with a dry paper towel, move your towel to a dry area, repeat as many times as necessary. I have saved white lab coats with this method. After you put it through the washer, double check that you got it all before drying.

    6. HannahS*

      Rubbing alcohol! First rubbing alcohol, then wash that off with dish soap and cold water. If it’s not out, then soak in Oxyclean before sending through a cold wash.

  58. Shrunken Hippo*

    My sister and I have decided that we are going to legally change our last name on our 30th birthdays. We have talked to our parents and they are fully supportive of the change and are having fun helping us look for new last names. Although we love out parents and a couple aunts and uncles, we don’t want to be associated with the rest of the family. I have had debt collectors call me looking for relatives, people have visibly flinched when they hear my last name, and I hate answering the question “are they really related to you?” We picked 30 because my sister is almost there and just wants it done soon and I’m giving myself a couple of years to see if I find a guy I might consider marrying. I know that people are going to ask and I’m not sure how I’m going to answer them. I have decided what name I want to switch to though. My mom was adopted but just after I was born she looked up her birth mother and they ended up meeting in person and talking on the phone a lot so I’m going to take her name. The people who adopted my mom never treated me as part of their family so their name was ruled out, but I still wanted to change it to something that had meaning to me. I am considering adding another middle name just so my initials will be symmetrical as right now they will be NLN and I might end up NLLN if I find a nice name.
    I live in a small town so I think I’ll end up telling people who ask the reason I changed my name is that I’m embarrassed of others who share that name (not my parents though) and I want to distance myself from them. I’m not a fan of everyone knowing my business but it’s probably the best way to squash rumors before they have a chance to start.

    1. Aphrodite*

      I don’t and didn’t live in a small town so I don’t know if my experience is of any help but here goes . . .

      Back in 1989, having been in therapy for a while, I gave consideration to the idea of changing my name. I briefly and casually mentioned to to my therapist but no one else. Then probably about two months later I decided on my own to do it. I bought the Nolo Press book on how to do it yourself as well as a book of baby names. I narrowed each name–first, middle and last–down. Then I started the process, which itself was easy to do. At that point I told my therapist about it. She was surprised because I’d not said anything before; no reason, I just didn’t.

      I did it using the court petition method rather than the usage method. It went through without a hitch. Telling people was easy, though not everyone took it well My parents were okay but confused. I got a couple accusations from siblings that didn’t stop for more than a year but I didn’t care. I was happy. Explanations to others were much simpler. I simply said my new name felt more “me.”

      And from that I’d suggest you do the same. If you give people a “gossipy” type of reason you did it (like you are embarrassed of others who share the old name) then it is you, not them, who are giving people a reason to spread rumors. Take the high road, say little and keep it light and positive. It will blow over much sooner even if those relatives you loathe continue to stir things up. People will get bored and go onto something else.

      1. Shrunken Hippo*

        This is the kind of town where I shaved my hair because I felt like it but I had to announce that was the reason because everyone assumed I had cancer. I don’t think anyone is going to be surprised, in fact so many people have known me since I was 5 that it won’t be considered weird. They can be annoying, but the town folk make sure to take care of their own even if they don’t agree with someone’s choices. For example, there was a 13 year old girl who was dating a 19 year old “man” and no one was happy about it but they kept quiet and hoped for a breakup. The girl ended up being raped by the “man” and getting pregnant. The town chased him out and started asking when she would like a baby shower and everyone donated something including babysitting time. Can they be annoying? Yes! Do they care about others like they’re family? Also yes.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      When people ask, you might consider saying “because I wanted to” and change the subject. If necessary, you could add “my parents fully support my name change”. The less said about embarrassing relatives, the better.
      Sorry about your relatives and their effect on you. Hoping you have easier times ahead.

  59. Jessen*

    Is there such a thing as someone you can hire to just sort of come help you tidy up and get things under control? Not a professional cleaning service or even a professional organizer. I’m talking more like “get all the dishes actually in the kitchen and not randomly in the bathroom or something and get them washed” or “round up all the stray socks that are under the furniture and put them in the laundry basket.”

    Because I would totally pay money for that. I feel like I kind of could do better at getting things organized, but I just can’t get over the hump that comes when everything is a complete disaster. And I have a hard time putting in enough productive effort to keep up, which is in part a problem with that when everything is everywhere it’s hard to put anything away because there’s probably something else there.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t know if there’s a professional “direct you to put stuff away” person, but I think you could find a way to do this with a cleaner; mine would be all over it. I’d bet she could identify stuff for you to pick up in a room, and then when you did it she could then dust and vacuum–and that could serve as a reward.

      I’d look for one-person cleaning operations and talk to them about the possibility.

      1. Jessen*

        I’m not really looking for a “direct you to put stuff away” person, if that makes sense? I’m at the point where I’m realizing that, with or without direction, I just do not have the energy and cannot get the energy to pick up everything and put it away on my own at a sufficient rate to keep up with mess being generated. I suspect actually getting my place (single room) to a state where vacuuming and dusting would even be doable would take a couple of days. We’re talking “there’s a path to the bathroom if you don’t mind stepping over a few things on your way” level.

        Just having someone there to tell me wouldn’t help – I know what I need to do, but it’s just so much that I can’t make any appreciable progress, and the level of mess itself tends to generate more mess whenever I actually need to do something. I’d need someone who would actually be willing to help with basic cleaning and organizing tasks. Stuff like rounding up all the dishes, actually washing them, and putting them in one neat pile. Or finding all the stray clothes and putting them in the laundry basket, or putting obvious trash (think like empty soda bottles or stray plastic bags here) in a trash bag and taking it out. The kind of things it would take to even be able to see everything I own and start figuring out where it could go.

        1. fposte*

          Okay, then that sounds even more like a cleaner. Is there a reason you’re thinking a cleaner isn’t the right fit? As I said, mine would happily take this on. You’d still want to check in advance and probably identify the kind of stuff you’re talking about so they can figure out likely time/rate, but that’s pretty standard with a new cleaner.

          Mine says, “I unf*ck people’s lives.” Yup, absolutely.

          1. Jessen*

            I’d always been told that cleaners wouldn’t work with stuff everywhere and wouldn’t do organizational jobs – that they’d only work around the stuff you have out and they were really there to do vacuuming and deep cleaning and all that sort of stuff.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              That’s true when you’re just paying for regular weekly/biweekly cleanings. You’re talking about a special service, but a lot of cleaners would do it. You’d just need to explain in advance what you’re looking for.

              1. Jessen*

                Gotcha! It sounds like maybe a smaller operation would be a better deal? I see a couple on yelp in my area that are pretty clearly one or two women doing most of it.

                It might be a bit tricky still because I am rather rural, so I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of services don’t want to come out here.

                1. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

                  Well, probably they would if you paid enough money. I’d also keep an eye/ear out locally – might be there’s someone in your area who works as a cleaner. My folks (who are farmers) have a neighbor-lady come out once a week to tidy.

        2. The Francher Kid*

          Sounds like what you want/need would actually be a professional cleaning service. Someone to come in and clean and put things away and other tasks that you cannot manage right now.

          1. londonedit*

            Yes, I think a cleaner is actually exactly what you’re looking for! Also there are professional cleaning services that will come in and do a ‘deep clean’ – that can absolutely include tidying things away and doing a real intensive clean of everything to give you a fresh start. You could book a clean like that as a one-off, or maybe do it every three or six months to help you keep on top of things.

        3. Pnut*

          Two thoughts:

          You may have too much stuff, so your stuff doesn’t have a “home” which makes it very difficult to put away. Perhaps a major declutter is in order, to make room for the stuff you need.

          Could you be depressed or ill? Not having the energy to put things away sounds concerning.

          1. Jessen*

            I mean, I probably do have too much stuff, but it’s also really hard to fit an adult life into 300 square feet. I hate DC area housing prices. And I feel like I have trouble decluttering because it’s hard to tell what I actually have when it’s everywhere. I could have 3 or 4 of something and not know it because they’re all in different spots.

            There’s definitely some health stuff going on, but there’s not really anything I can do at this point that’s not being done.

            1. Thursday Next*

              So much yes to your first paragraph. My space is bigger than what you mention, but there are four of us. I’m in a constant state of simultaneous decluttering and clutter overload.

              I’m pretty good with outgrown clothes, books, and toys, but all the papers my kids collect has nowhere to go. I feel really guilty recycling artwork or essays they worked hard on. I do save some samples every year, and I try to scan things I didn’t save, but that’s an overwhelming endeavor.

              1. Lucy*

                We find there’s less guilt about recycling artwork (etc) if it has spent a week or two on display. When the children were younger we had a designated kitchen cupboard door each where their latest creations were put up, then as you replace them you can recycle what you take down because you’ve honoured it. We keep a very few very special pictures and file them with bank statements etc to have a smile when we’re going through paperwork.

              2. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

                Take an picture of the papers and artwork instead of scanning. It’s super easy (and works for all shapes and sizes)

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Yes. I hired a cleaner to help me with specific tasks towards a major declutter project. I paid her and she came on her day off. I didn’t need the service to come clean… I needed someone to help me sort, fold, bag, and put like with like. I wound up having her help me every Saturday until the project was done… it really helped. Not cheap,but the psychological burden of having to tackle it ‘alone’ meant I had let it languish for almost a year, and it might still be there if I hadn’t had help tackling it.

        1. Pnut*

          That sounds like a great for a declutter project. But these items Jessen lists — like rounding up dirty dishes and socks — seem more like many small habits that need to be tackled. Because you can hire someone to do it once, but then what?

          1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

            The same cleaner added time onto her scope for me, and helps keep me on track. But frankly, once I got the first “clear the decks” done, then the declutter – I was able to keep up the daily. I’m way older, but it took me years (and husband’s death) to get even close to decluttered enough to have room to put everything away. And somehow, having enough room, and that initial help, has enabled me to put every dish in the dishwasher (or wash every pan), and pick up “almost” every flat surface, on an ongoing basis. It has been lifechanging. I compare it to the guy who paid someone to nanny him for the finishing of his thesis… just having someone there can push you on closure. For me, I then – every day – have to say “I like it this tidy” and take the extra steps down the hall to drop things in the hamper instead of on the back of the chair.
            I still have her come and help me deep clean once a month; while she does that, I clean my desk. (Although that is easier because I stand over the recycle bin as I open the mail, and went on autopay on all possible bills.).
            I thought the declutter might help because they are talking about needing a path to the bathroom. I understand that (when husband died, had to bring home a 10×30 storage unit and shoe horn it into an already overloaded small house). It took a lot of help to get to my current state, and I still have a lot to go… but I empathize so much!!

          2. Jessen*

            My thinking here is that part of the clutter problem is that things are disorganized enough that I can’t realistically see what I have and put it where it needs to go. And determining what I need to get rid of will be a lot easier once everything is actually in a place where I can see it.

            It’s also a lot easier to start a habit when it’s less overwhelming. There’s a difference in feel between “I need to wash the dishes I used today and tidy up after making breakfast” versus “I need to wash 3 sinkfulls of dishes and clear a month’s worth of used jugs out.” When you’re already tired and stressed that sort of difference can be what lets you actually get started or not.

            You’re right it might take more than once coming in. But the sense I’m getting is that the state things are in right now is overwhelming enough that I can’t manage to really get started.

    2. Katefish*

      Yes! I go on Taskrabbit annually for precisely this service. Look under Organizing. If you don’t have Taskrabbit in your area and are in the US, Care.com is more nationwide I think. I’ve used both for move organizing and generally housekeeping organizing. Good luck!

    3. OtterB*

      You have advice from others on cleaners. Do think some about where you want things to be and/or things you don’t want to lose so you don’t end up with things tidied in a way you can’t find them.

      1. Jessen*

        Thanks. I was presuming this is the sort of thing I’d be present for as well. It’s a studio apartment so if I’m there I can see everything.

    4. teach*

      Two thoughts: is Taskrabbit a thing where you live? That would be a source of hire.
      Can you work your social networks? This would be work I would LOVE – and my 17 year old can’t get a real summer job but would 100% be good at this.

  60. WasabiMom*

    The MatzoBall Heiress is hilarious. And we always eat pickles and pickled food when we are sick. Helps my nausea.

  61. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Alison, I hope you feel better soon!

    Has this year been an abnormally bad year in terms of colds and the like? I normally get sick about three times a year, and I’ve already gotten three colds so far in 2019 — and I have that dried-out feeling today that suggests a fourth might be on its way. My wife gets sick even less, and she’s gotten hit four times this year. It’s just cold symptoms, which makes me wonder if it’s the same virus manifesting itself again and again. It’s not just us, either; one of my coworkers has been chronically sick this year, and she says this is incredibly unusual for her. Ugh! I hope everyone who is not well gets lots of rest this weekend!

    2. Silver Fig*

      I’m seeing lingering illness in my social circle and colleagues. People are having cold/flu symptoms that just won’t clear up, lasting months. The company nurse is telling people with a virus to expect to take at least 8-10 weeks to bounce back fully.

      2. londonedit*

        I’ve also heard a few people complaining about a similar thing. Virus symptoms that keep going away and coming back again for weeks. I’m also suffering from horrendous hayfever as usual! I was ill with a horrible chest infection for three weeks in January, and now for the last week I’ve had a horrible cough again (which I don’t think is hayfever as someone at work has had the same cough which I then caught). It feels like there is more illness than usual around!

    3. Llellayena*

      Yep, I’m currently recovering from my third cold this year after 2 years of NO colds. I miss that…

  62. Angry Kitty*

    How do you find volunteer opportunities in your area? I want to get into volunteering in the evenings after work and on the weekends but have no idea how to find things other than Google searches. Thoughts?

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Try your local city/county website for ideas. Or call your local library. Ask around. You’ll find something!

      1. JSB*

        Most areas have online matching sites which make it easy. Or, consider what your interests are and then research non-profits in that field, especially those that provide services. Visit the website and there’s almost always a donate and a volunteer section. Some are big once-a-year events like Christmas related or an annual festival, others are on-going like shelving books at the local library or sorting food at the foodbank. The nice part is you can usually find an interest and schedule that fits your needs.

    4. Always Volunteering*

      idealist.org has volunteer opportunities. Good luck with finding a fun volunteering gig!

    5. HannahS*

      I guess it depends on what you want to do. If you want to volunteer at your local community centre with recent immigrants, google that. If you want to volunteer at a museum, look on the websites of the museums in your area. If you want to volunteer with animals, search for animal rescue/welfare orgs in your city.

    6. Lilysparrow*

      Our newspaper runs a regular update column in the Saturday local section for non-profits that need volunteers or specific material donations.

  63. I hate the offseason.*

    Health question. My recent bloodwork shows a possible sluggish thyroid. I’m getting retested in a month, but am a bit worried. I have been tired, but have been blaming it on my frequent sinus infections. My sister has hypothyroidism and lost all her hair. I think the solution, if my thyroid is underperforming, is a synthetic hormone. So, I shouldn’t be too freaked out, but I am naturally anxious. Any others out there dealing with this? What should I expect?

    1. fposte*

      Synthroid is the most commonly prescribed medicine in the U.S. right now. It’s NBD. Depending on the causes of your hypothyroidism, it won’t necessarily fix everything, but for a lot of people it works great. (Losing all your hair from hypothyroidism is unusual, btw.)

      I think for a lot of people this is the first systemic thing they find wrong with their body, and that’s a shock in its own right. It was for me (I have Graves’ disease, so had eventually to get the thyroid ablated). But tons of people walking around you get their thyroid out of a bottle. And it’s an advantage if we’re ever in a Chernobyl situation :-).

      1. Ethyl*

        I have Graves as well! RAI in 2006! Endocrine buddies!

        The good thing about levothyroxine is it’s cheap as heck and has almost no side effects as long as your dosage is correct. It’s really no big deal. The biggest pain is getting your dosage dialed in, which requires frequent blood work until it’s sorted out.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, straight out ablation is probably easier than a functioning but unreliable thyroid when it comes to getting dosage sorted.

          I actually buy the Synthroid brand, which is pricier than the Levoxyl/generic, but I have to chew instead of just swallow it because of Crohn’s, and the others are really offputting to chew, IMHO.

      2. Acornia*

        I also had Graves, did radioiodine in 1995 and been on thyroid meds ever since. It’s no big deal and I rarely even think about it any more. The meds show up from my online pharmacy every 90 days and I get blood drawn once a year. Went 20+ years and never needed a dosage change until recently. Since serious menopause happened at the same time, I suspect that threw off the balance. My pills are a different color now, but everything else is same ‘ol same ‘ol.

        1. Ethyl*

          Yep, I’m in perimenopause and it’s the first time since maybe 2008 that I’ve needed a change to my meds. My pills are purple now!

    2. VM*

      I have had hypothyroidism for about 4-5 years now (recently diagnosed as Hashimoto’s) and while I’ve been largely asymptomatic, I understand the anxiety about it completely. Comparing treatment with my sister and mom (who both also have it), the primary treatment is a synthetic hormone, as you noted. My endo told me she can give me the dosage needed to get my thyroid into the “normal” range, but what she cannot control is what my own thyroid is producing, which is where treatment can get tricky since it take about 2 months for bloodwork to show if your current levothyoxine dosage is the one that is working.
      I’m not sure what bloodwork you got, but I would insist on receiving results for both the TSH and T4. T4 is your actual thyroid hormone, while TSH is your thyroid stimulating hormone. An analogy I heard to explain it is the TSH is the thermostat while T4 is the heater. Your TSH numbers can be out of range while your T4 is still in range, which means you might feel largely okay. But, if you turn down the thermostat, the heater will eventually turn off and you will start getting cold, if you know what I mean. I just think it is important to know both numbers to better understand the correlation between how you feel and how your thyroid is actually performing.

    3. Been there*

      I have a hereditary thyroid disorder and have found it really manageable. My synthetic hormone is a once a day pill and that’s it. I can tell when the dosage is out of whack though because I start to feel sluggish and depressed and put on weight with no change to diet and exercise. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and it’s taken a few tries to get the dosage right, but other than that, I haven’t found that it’s interfered with my life at all.

    4. Shell*

      I also have low thyroid. Thyroid issues vary from person to person, but for lots of people, they are very manageable. Losing hair (which never happened to me) can be a symptom of long-term, untreated low thyroid, so getting proper medication should help prevent the problem, not cause it. I was diagnosed three years ago. It took six months or so to figure out the correct dosage for me. Now, I take one pill per day, get blood tests maybe twice a year, and never worry about it.
      Good luck!

    5. Lilysparrow*

      If you’re starting treatment now, then your disease/symptoms are what you have already been experiencing for some time. You may even consider them normal. What you can expect with treatment is to start feeling better from this point on.

      I was dx with autoimmune hypothyroidism via a biopsy in 2004. I started Synthroid immediately.

      I’d say I started feeling noticeably more alert and energetic within 3-4 weeks. I had rapidly gained a lot of weight right before dx, and with treatment I was able to take that off (the normal way – diet & exercise) in about 6 months. The meds didn’t make the weight melt off, but they gave me the energy to do the exercise, and they made my body respond normally to the changes.

      I also read some of Mary Shomon’s books in the Living Well series (Living Well with Hypothyroidism, Living Well with Autoimmune Disease, etc) and found them very helpful.

      After a few years, I found that my symptoms had stabilized at a level I wasn’t happy with, especially brain fog and difficulties concentrating. My blood levels didn’t indicate a dose increase was warranted. I did some research and asked my doctor to switch me to a natural porcine thyroid replacement instead of the synthetic. It contains a broader spectrum of hormones and some people feel better on it. By that point my gland was nearly 100 percent atrophied, so it couldn’t convert the synthetic T4 into the other hormones as it should.

      I’ve been on one or another brand of NPT since about 2010? 2011? I’m happy with it.

      It’s hard to separate my autoimmune symptoms from my thyroid symptoms. My “classic” hypothyroid symptoms are gone or minimal: hair normal (except the outside of my eyebrows are really wimpy). Body temp & cold tolerance normal. Skin no drier than normal.

      One hypothyroid thing that I have to stay mindful of is digestion. It’s slow, and sensitive to anything that can slow it down more. I feel best with a minimum of 35 grams of fiber a day (RDA is 25).

      I struggle to lose weight, but that’s as much behavioral as anything. I have to be careful of my joints when exercising because they get injured or inflamed easily (that might be the autoimmune), but I can exercise normally for my age & size.

      I do still sometimes deal with brain fog, forgetfulness, and some fatigue, but those are more likely from other health problems.

      Eat a varied diet with lots of plants**. Take your meds at the same time every day on an empty stomach, and avoid taking iron within 4 hours. Get plenty of water, fiber, regular exercise, and sleep.

      It’s a good thing to know the issue and have the means to solve it! Most people respond very well to thyroid treatment, and if you’re on the right dose, the long-term health risks are minimal to none.

      It’s the closest thing to a “fixable” chronic disease I know of.

      **There are a LOT of people out there shilling various types of “magic bullets” for hypothyroidism. One big fad right now is the idea that going gluten free will cure hypo/Hashi.

      Maybe some people feel better doing gf. I went hardcore gf for the better part of a year, and it did squat for me. Avoiding processed foods helped a ton, but gf itself didn’t matter one way or the other.

      Find a doctor you trust and stick to what they tell you, or you will be bankrupted or driven around the bend by woo-merchants.

      1. Ethyl*

        Iron, and also calcium and magnesium, so stuff like Tums or Milk of Magnesia you need to give a four hour window for. It’s a pain sometimes since I have GERD, but I’ve had good luck with PPIs.

  64. Sunday Morning Fever*

    Really anything by David Sedaris. It doesn’t get lighter and you can take it in short bursts. Though,it’s not fiction.

  65. Mom of girls*

    I bought my daughter this dollhouse. Any idea where I can get a family for it? Ideally with 3 blonde Caucasian girl dolls and a dark haired mom and dad.

    Melissa and Doug sells a family but it’s the wrong kid combo.

    https://m.kohls.com/product/prd-3308405/melissa-doug-modern-wooden-multi-level-dollhouse.jsp?skuid=33626239&ci_mcc=ci&utm_campaign=PRESCHOOL%20TOYS&utm_medium=CSE&utm_source=google&utm_product=33626239&CID=shopping15&utm_campaignid=196835972&pid=googleadwords_int&af_channel=CSE&gclid=CPPGsvKU2uICFQ89DAodYEQCPA&gclsrc=aw.ds

    1. Occasional Baker*

      Maybe a custom family froom an Etsy craftsperson?
      Trapolopolis looks like they do custom doll families, though they are not wooden.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I bought 2 families and combined them to get the right racial profiles, when I gifted one to the great niece. I gifted the other “pieces” of the family #2 as “friends and neighbors”….

      As an aside, sadly, my gift, which included the furniture basics, as well… was jettisoned at a yard sale just 6 months later when the 3 year old expressed an interest/asked for the “disney princess” one… one of the things that lead me to understand that my gifting heirloom level things that didn’t scream of commercial advertising, was not really valued. I believe Disney princess doll house did not make it long enough to be used by younger sister, but I now just do gift cards. And books.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        Yes I fix up dollhouses and give them away, although I keep some, dollhouses are like tattoos, you can’t have just one. You have to think about the child you are giving the house to, some will take obsessive and loving care, others let the dog chew stuff up. But once it is out of your hands, you have no say over the matter.
        So giftcards and books, good ideas!
        HBS miniatures and Miniature Designs have lovely choices for doll families

      2. Mom of girls*

        This is going to my middle kid and if any of my kids will like it, it’s her. She’s obsessed with dolls/barbie and also decorating.
        I got it from a friend as a yard sale priced hand me down, so i’m not really invested in it. But I do think it’d be fun to have a family that looks like ours and I love the friends and neighbors idea :)

  66. I'm Not Telling*

    I had a rough week. Work was emotionally challenging (certain actions happened that made me feel marginalized and I had to actively identify what was going on). And then, I found out that a group of my friends all hung out together. I didn’t know about their plans, wasn’t invited, and actually one of them did a white lie of omission when I chatted her by not mentioning who she was with… (I’m here with Beth… but not mentioning Amy, Jo, and Meg). Meg posted a photo of them all together on Facebook. I’ve known these people for 15 years. So it was a little bit of a blow to have it confirmed that I’m on the B-list.

    It’s left me feeling like a loner and wondering if that’s ok? I’ve never been great at having deep relationships with people. I don’t get vulnerable. I’m sure I don’t listen well. I know I have a tendency to talk too much about myself. I’m passive in building and growing these friendships and don’t push.

    All of this does make me want to crawl into my little hole and live my little life, which I would have tried to fight against when I was younger. But I’m in my 40s now and honestly, I’m not sure I’m capable of changing myself anymore. (Yep, I’m in therapy)

    1. fposte*

      Oh, that sounds tough, especially when you were already feeling vulnerable. I’m glad you’re in therapy; you also just sound tired.

      FWIW, I’m in my 50s and have been surprised to find what changes I can still make. So you might not be in a good place for change right now, but that doesn’t mean they’ll never happen.

    2. Thursday Next*

      FWIW, I believe there are times when it’s okay to retreat a bit, to rest and regroup. It sounds like you’ve had a rough time lately that’s been draining.

      I’m also in my 40s, and I have seen and keep seeing that I can change. Some things are certainly more difficult to change, so I chip away at them.

      Hang in there!

    3. Weegie*

      It’s absolutely fine to be a loner if that’s what works for you some, all, or most of the time. I also don’t have many deep relationships: mostly I have lots of acquaintances/casual friends. Groups don’t work for me at all and just make me feel bad about myself, so most of my friendships are 1-1. It took me a long time to realise it was best for me to stop trying to fit in with groups.

    4. tiasp*

      I’m in my 40’s. I have people with whom I am friendly in the various parts of my life, but I don’t have any real or deep friendships. So if I was no longer a part of a particular group, then I just wouldn’t see those people anymore. The group that I am the most friendly with includes me with things related to that group, but I’ve seen facebook posts of things that group of friends does together outside that particular club and it’s clear that I’m not a core member of that group. It stung a little the first time I realized that I was a B list friend to them.

      I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I’m an introvert, it actually stresses me out to go to another person’s house, and I myself am not doing anything to grow friendships, so this should be fine. On the other hand, sometimes I feel lonely or wish I had someone I could really talk to. I’m involved in so much stuff (I volunteer for every organization that my kids belong to), I have lots of friendly if superficial interaction, so most of the time, I have my fill of socializing. Just occasionally it makes me sad if I think about it (like right now) or if something draws attention to it (e.g. wanting to go to a women only event and realizing I didn’t have anyone to go with).

      I’m not sure how I would even go about getting real friends. I’m handy to have around (always willing to volunteer) so I’m confident enough about being wanted when I am being useful. But I know that aside from my usefulness, I’m not that appealing (totally the unpopular crowd when I was in school). So any overtures of friendship that I were to make would feel like pushing myself in where I’m not wanted, and I would HATE to be the pity friend or have people wishing I would just go away.

      My saddest story of not being included in a group is that when my best friend got married, I wasn’t invited to be in her wedding party and I THOUGHT that was because she had decided to just have her sister as her maid of honour. Showed up for the wedding festivities and found out that she also had 3 or 4 friends in her wedding party. Looking back, I can see how we had drifted (I mean, hey, I didn’t even know enough about her wedding plans to know who was in the wedding party until I got there), but at the time, it was a blow.

  67. Beaded Librarian*

    Inspired by a post I saw last week on the open thread as well as the recent post about being polyamorous and how to keep private but true to self in the work place I have a question for LBGTQ+ commenters.

    I realized about 5 years ago I am both polyamorous and bi through a slightly convoluted set of circumstances. I haven’t been in a relationship for almost that long due to various factors. Part of them being trying to get my own life in order and get routines in place for my life partly I have no idea how to find others who are also interested.

    I think I would most like a closed triad. That is what I experienced and while it was for only a relatively short period of time I really enjoyed the relationship and the dynamics.

    So my question is how do I go about finding someone(s). I live in a moderate sized town outside much larger city and an not currently out at work mainly because it seems weird to just drop either that I’m bi or that I’m polyamorous into conversation with my coworkers.

    1. Jane Smith*

      Are you on Fetlife? It isn’t a dating site, but you can search for munches and kinky events in your area and meet like minded people that way.

    2. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

      Some of my polyamorous friends have recommended OKCupid for bi and/or poly dating. (I met my partners through mutual friends, and can’t exactly recommend waiting and hoping you’ll hit it off with someone at a mutual friend’s party.)

      “By the way, I’m bi” might be a bit odd to drop into conversation, but how about answering “what did you do this weekend?” with something like “I went to the [city] Pride parade, it was great to see so many other LGBT people having a good time”? (This requires specific timing, of course.)

      1. Beaded Librarian*

        Good point. I guess part of my problem and one of the other reasons I have made much of an effort to date the last several years is I don’t have a social life and I’m struggling to build one. But going to Pride events and just being there sounds like a great way for me to work on several issues. Thanks for the suggestion!

        1. Beaded Librarian*

          Ugh I just realized I didn’t actually say what I was thinking for the first part. Good point about how to bring it up in conversation if the timing is good. Thanks for that suggestion and the suggestion about OkCupid. I tried dating sites before and I’m not adverse to trying again just trying to get my life in order I guess.

  68. Antagonist Relations*

    Ask a Manager D&D and RPG fans, I’m advertising the Ask A Manager RPG club again: https://groups.io/g/askamanagerRPGclub

    Everyone’s welcome; whether you’re completely new to the hobby and looking to try for the first time or you’re an experienced player looking for a new online game or just more people to talk tabletop roleplaying games with.

    Come and chat, find an online game, talk about gaming podcasts, ask for playing or game-mastering advice and delve deeper into the RPG hobby.

    The online 5th Edition D&D game that came out of Ask A Manager last year made it through an update of the classic Against the Cult of the Reptile God module and then completed Curse of Strahd. Now, unfortunately, three members of the group are stepping out due to changing life circumstances and we have two openings. We play Saturdays, 11:30am-4pm Central every other Saturday, our next session will be June 22nd, so there is plenty of time to reach out and get set up if you’re interested.

    Looks like the 5th Edition adaptation of the classic 1st edition puzzle dungeon, White Plume Mountain, is what I will be running next.

    The adventure will start on June 22nd and will be for 8th level characters. I anticipate it will take 2-4 sessions to complete. Anticipated session dates are Saturday 6/22, Sat 7/6, Sat 7/20 and Sat 8/3

    White Plume Mountain was well received by critics. It was ranked the 9th greatest Dungeons & Dragons adventure of all time by Dungeon magazine in 2004. One judge, commenting on the ingenuity required to complete the adventure, described it as “the puzzle dungeon to end all puzzle dungeons.”

    If you’re interested, reach out and I can provide additional details.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Aw, super tempted, but I will be traveling on 7/6 and at GenCon on 8/3. I just took a six month break after finishing up GMing a five year Pathfinder campaign, but getting ready to possibly start a new one before too long.

      1. Antagonist Relations*

        You can always join the group and hangout, I’d like it to be more than just another pool for me to recruit players.

        But after we finish White Plume Mountain, we’ll start something else and there will be another good jumping on point. And, I’m hoping to start a non-Saturday game too, but I have to finish settling my schedule before I can announce that.

  69. Coffeelover*

    After 5 years together with my SO, our parents finally met each other today. My parents live in a different country which delayed the meeting and they only had a chance to spend a day together now.

    My in-laws are nice, progressive people. My parents are nice people too, but they can be hard to appreciate due to cultural differences (very traditional views) and loud personalities. There was a lot of cringe moments and I’m hoping to get some commiseration. Example, 30min after meeting them my dad decides it’s a good time to deny climate change. Because yes, super controversial topics are a good way to break the ice. Face palm.

    1. ATX Language Learner*

      My in laws and parents are about to meet too and I’m super nervous… I think our moms will get along but my mother in law is a super sensitive take everything the wrong way must walk on eggshells and watch what you say type of person. And if she gets upset, my dad in law will be upset that she’s upset. Fun times!

      I will have to have a chat with my father to not bring up any controversial topics and to not talk about boobs (AWKWARD!) when he gets drinking, he tell stories of his young days living in Israel and partying with topless women. My in laws are super prude and my husband doesn’t know how they ever had sex to have 2 boys :P

  70. Australia in December!!!*

    Fiancé and I just booked flights to Australia! Will be in Melbourne for 4-5 days, Cairns for 3 days, and Sydney for 4-5 days. Tips, recommendations, advice? We particularly enjoy hiking and good food/drink. Definitely want to book Attica in Melbourne, hiking in Grampians, Yarra Valley wine touring. Other suggestions along those lines for Sydney? Any other off-the-beaten-track things to do or eat that normal research might overlook?

    1. Kathenus*

      In Sydney, behind the Opera House is the Royal Botanical Garden. Certain times of year there are fruit bats (flying foxes) that roost there and then go off to fly at dusk. It’s amazing to watch, I highly recommend it, I did it several times when I was there. The Taronga Zoo is wonderful, also has amazing views of the harbor from some parts. About two hours inland from Sydney is the Blue Mountain National Park which is beautiful if you want to venture that far out. About an hour north is Ku ring gai National Park which is also a nice place to visit and explore. Just south is Watson’s Bay with wonderful views and hiking opportunities. And pricey, but unique and fun is the Sydney Harbour Bridge Climb. Have fun!

    2. silverpie*

      This is just me, but I could never have gone to Australia and not gone to a match at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. (I went in the southern winter, so it was Aussie-rules football in season then, but in December they’ll be playing cricket.)

    3. J9*

      Snorkeling or scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef is amazing. And if you have the time to drive north to The Daintree, do it. So much exotic wildlife to see!

    4. Dan*

      Australia’s cool. I spent a month there a few years ago and would happily go back.

      My personal opinion: You’re spending too much time in Sydney. I loved Melbourne but found Sydney boring as hell. Also, one of the best times I had in my life was a multi-day live-a-board snorkeling/diving tour of the Great Barrier Reef. All you do is eat, sleep, dive and snorkel. Complete bliss. My advice would be to drop a couple of days in Sydney and add some to Cairns to get some real time on the reef.

      1. TL -*

        Yes I did a liveaboard and it was well worth the money – amazing and they were great about my allergies too :)

    5. Cows go moo*

      Tip: Purchase the Entertainment Book. You can download the app on your phone. It’s pricey but gives you so many generous discounts to popular tourist spots and many, many restaurants it pays itself off after a couple of meals.

    6. Quandong*

      Hello! I’m Australian and live in Brisbane. I’m glad you’re visiting Cairns as well as southern cities, that’s a great choice. My advice in general is to be aware of the summertime conditions, be ready for very hot weather and take warnings seriously. Wear sunscreen outdoors and be ready to adapt your plans for hiking if it’s a heatwave (especially if you are coming from a cold climate).

      There’s so much fantastic food and coffee everywhere that you will have plenty to choose from. If you get the chance, catch a ferry in Sydney for a different view of the harbour and city.

      In Melbourne I love the NGV including the Australian art section in Federation Square, if you want to get out of the hear in the city.

  71. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Anybody ever had a stupidly long time getting over jet lag?

    I came back to the UK on Tuesday after a 2-week trip to the US + Mexico, and I am still having a hard time staying awake all day. I’ve had really long naps in the middle of the day (like 2 hours) every day since I’ve been back, despite sleeping all night no problem. I don’t recall having this much trouble before. Maybe it’s because I got sick after the trip to Mexico and had to take antibiotics for three days? My digestion still feels a little off after that experience. Fortunately (!) I’m not working right now so I can sleep whenever but it’s still irksome.

    1. only acting normal*

      Sounds like you’re suffering a double-whammy of jetlag and illness. The best recommendation I have for long haul jetlag is to *eat* at the right times and get some natural light and air – although the sleep is what we notice most about jetlag those other things really help reset your body clock.

      1. valentine*

        Staying awake all day is overrated. Embrace the napping and give it two to four more weeks.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It took me about two weeks to get over the jet lag from my longest trip (China to US east coast), and that was over 10 years ago! Last year it took me a while to feel completely back to normal after a week-long trip to the UK, and for me jet lag comes with depression. I think we often expect too much of ourselves; you’ve only been back for a few days and you’ve been ill, so just try to ride it out.

      My boss, who travels often but not usually far, was completely surprised by long-lasting jet lag after a trip to Australia. He couldn’t believe he was still having trouble after three days. He was the ONLY one who was surprised.

      1. only acting normal*

        A rule of thumb is you recover by about an hour’s lag per day (but the first few feel way worse than the last few).

    3. Clementine*

      I went to Hong Kong once, and had a horrible time readjusting to Pacific time. It took weeks. But my next trip to Asia, at the same time of year, was totally fine. So I can’t say what makes the difference. Try to get exercise and sunlight and sleeping as needed.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      Light exposure at the right time is the best remedy.

      There is a great Stuff You Should Know podcast on jetlag or their article on the same website.

  72. Acornia*

    Looking for summer meal ideas that involved little to no cooking (too hot to use the stove or over much) and are not eating out/takeout/delivery
    I’ve done pasta salad because I can boil the pasta when it’s cooler, but could use new non-mayo pasta salad recipes as well as completely different ideas. Hearty meal salads, that kind of thing.

    1. fposte*

      My favorites:

      A take on Chrissy Teigen’s avocado toast: smashed avocado on crispbread with red pepper flakes and chopped prosciutto

      Sliced ripe peaches topped with slices of mozzarella and prosciutto (I eat a lot of prosciutto in summer)

      Cooked chicken over spinach with sliced mangoes, mango chutney, and yogurt

    2. Jane*

      Have you tried a quinoa salad? Easy, healthy, same idea as pasta salad but something different. I usually do carrots, green onions, red bell peppers, etc., with an olive oil + lime juice dressing.

      I also like a non-lettuce greek salad–cucumbers, halved grape tomatoes, bell peppers, olives, feta, with olive oil and red wine vinegar.

      Or a black bean and corn salad, with cumin, chili powder, lime juice, olive oil.

      I also recently made a fried rice, which wasn’t *too* much cooking. I made the rice in my rice cooker, so no heating up the stove. Then the next day ( you need leftover rice), you chop some veggies up small and quickly saute them, then add the rice to the frypan and fry it all just very quickly. Add soy sauce and sesame oil.

      I also like to cook a lot of chicken and then eat it cold–either grilled or in the oven. That way you only heat up the kitchen once. Sliced chicken on a salad, on a sandwich, or just as is served with a green salad and corn on the cob (just boiled for 5 minutes, or you can even microwave it.)

      Slow cookers are also great in the summer because they don’t heat up the kitchen much. I like making taco meat in mine.

    3. JediSquirrel*

      Cooked pasta + canned tuna or salmon +Italian dressing. Throw in some frozen peas. Works for me on hot summer days when I don’t feel like cooking or takeout.

      Easy way to cook pasta: bring plenty of water to a boil. Add pasta, stir, and wait until it comes back to the boil. Slap a lid on it, turn off the heat, and wait 14 minutes. Drain for perfectly cooked pasta. You may have to adjust the 14 minutes depending on how you like your pasta cooked. (Learned this when I worked in a deli and we made a lot of pasta salads.)

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I tend to eat a lot of green salads in the summer. I prefer spinach as a base, and tend to add carrots, hazelnuts, feta cheese, and either fresh berries or dried cranberries, with a balsamic dressing. If it’s all I’m eating for the meal, I go heavier on the nuts and cheese to add more protein. Sliced hardboiled eggs are another good way to add protein to a salad, but you do need to cook the eggs at some point for that.

      Nuts in general are one of my “too hot to cook” protein sources. They’re good on salad or as a snack, and they keep well in a lunchbox or purse even when it’s hot out.

      I’ll also do cheese on crispbread, sometimes with a fruit side. When I ate meat, I’d do canned fish (usually kippers) on crispbread as well. I like a lot of protein and no sweets for breakfast, so either cheese or fish on crispbread used to be a pretty typical breakfast for me.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Gazpacho

      Pasta salad made with jarred pesto sauce instead of mayo – you can chop up a bunch of raw or cooked veggies into this also

      Potato salad made with mayo or with a vinaigrette. If you google “Russian salad” there are versions that add some chopped cooked veggies and hardboiled eggs, too.

      Make a big frittata when it’s cool enough, and refrigerate the leftovers in layers of paper towels (to avoid them getting soggy). Serve at room temp with salsa and a salad.

      Blender-type cold soups like cucumber, beet, etc. There are a million versions. I am usually happy to blend up almost anything with some buttermilk and seasonings, and have it cold with some kind of crunchy garnish and herbs.

    6. CoffeeforLife*

      Make a farro salad. Nuttier than quinoa and hearty/lots of tooth. Cook the grain and cool. I like to add chopped cucumbers, tomatoes, hearts of palm, avocado, thinly sliced red onion, whatever else is on hand.

      Dressing:
      Warm avocado oil in a saucepan and then add ground coriander, celery seed, turmeric, paprika, kalonji seeds (black onion seeds), and fresh garlic -whatever spices you like but the onion seed is awesome. Fry it all together quickly and then let it steep for a bit. You can then whisk it together with lemon juice (I’m usually sans lemons and do apple cider vinegar) add salt to taste.

      Mix it with the salad and enjoy! It keeps for several days (the avo gets gross though)

    7. Free Meerkats*

      Cucumber yogurt soup.

      32 ounces plain low fat yogurt
      1 cucumber, peeled, seeded, and coarsely grated
      1 juice of lemon
      2 teaspoons dried mint
      1 teaspoon salt
      2 tablespoons olive oil

      Whisk yogurt with everything except cucumber until smooth. Fold in cucumber. Cover and chill for a couple of hours. Serve with a bit of olive oil garnish.

    8. tab*

      I have a few. Here’s the first one.

      Chilled Corn Soup with Basil
      Adapted from Melissa Clark, NY Times

      4 ½ cups corn (~6 ears corn)
      2 ¼ cups buttermilk
      ¾ cup basil leaves, more for garnish
      5 scallions, roughly chopped
      1 tablespoon fresh lime juice, more to taste
      1 fat garlic clove, roughly chopped
      ¾ teaspoon fine sea salt
      Radish slices, for garnish
      Extra-virgin olive oil, for garnish

      1. Add buttermilk, basil, scallions, lime juice, garlic and salt to a blender and purée until very smooth.
      2. Cover and chill the soup in the refrigerator for 4 hours or overnight.
      3. Serve soup garnished with radish slices and a drizzle of olive oil.

    9. tab*

      Avocado-Lime Soup with Chipotle Chile
      SELF, June 2011

      2 ripe avocados, cubed
      ⅔ cup chopped red onion
      2 large cloves garlic, chopped
      2 teaspoons chopped canned chipotle chile in adobo sauce
      ¾ teaspoon salt
      ½ teaspoon ground cumin
      2½ cups nonfat plain yogurt
      ¼ cup chopped fresh cilantro
      3 tablespoons fresh lime juice
      4 lime-flavored (or plain) tortilla chips
      ¼ cup store-bought salsa

      1. Pulse avocados, onion, garlic, chile, salt and cumin in a food processor until pureed.
      2. Add yogurt and cilantro; pulse until well combined.
      3. Transfer avocado mixture to a bowl.
      4. Stir in ½ cup ice water and lime juice. (Thin with more water, if desired.)
      5. Cover and chill until cold, 1 hour.
      6. Divide soup among 4 bowls; garnish with chips and salsa before serving.

      Yield: 4 servings

    10. tab*

      Classic Andalusian Gazpacho
      Gourmet, August 2002

      1 (2-inch-long) piece baguette, crust discarded
      2 garlic cloves
      2 teaspoons salt
      2 tablespoons Sherry vinegar (preferably “reserva”), or to taste
      1 teaspoon sugar
      ½ teaspoon ground cumin (optional)
      2 jalapeños, seeded
      2 ½ lb ripe tomatoes, cored and quartered
      ½ cup mild extra-virgin olive oil (preferably Andalusian hojiblanca)

      Garnish: finely chopped yellow and green bell peppers

      1. Soak bread in ½ cup water 1 minute, then squeeze dry, discarding soaking water.
      2. Mash garlic to a paste with salt using a mortar and pestle (or mince and mash with a large knife).
      3. Blend garlic paste, bread, 2 tablespoons vinegar, sugar, cumin, jalapeños, and half of tomatoes in a food processor until tomatoes are very finely chopped. Add remaining tomatoes with motor running and, when very finely chopped, gradually add oil in a slow stream, blending until as smooth as possible, about 1 minute.
      4. Force soup through a sieve into a bowl, pressing firmly on solids. Discard solids.
      5. Transfer to a glass container and chill, covered, until cold, about 3 hours.
      6. Season with salt and vinegar before serving.

      Cooks’ note: Gazpacho can be chilled up to 2 days.

      Yield: 4 servings

    11. tab*

      Shrimp Gazpacho
      Jane Hammond, New Leaf Café, Palo Alto

      64 ounces Mott’s Clamato Juice
      8 ounces V8 or tomato juice
      4 green onions, chopped
      ¼ to ½ English cucumber, diced
      1 teaspoon garlic, diced
      Juice of half lemon
      ½ cup extra virgin olive oil
      1 teaspoon dried dill
      Worcestershire sauce
      Tabasco sauce
      ½ pound tiny shrimp, cleaned
      1 avocado, chopped

      Combine all ingredients except shrimp and avocado and refrigerate overnight.

      Add shrimp and avocado and serve

      Yield: 6 servings

    12. tab*

      Tangy Green Zebra Gazpacho
      Katie Lee

      Green Zebras are heirloom tomatoes with a striped pattern; they are sweet like red tomatoes but give this gazpacho a lovely jade hue. To make the chilled soup extra tangy, use tomatillos or unripe red tomatoes instead of Green Zebras.

      2 pounds Green Zebra tomatoes, cored and coarsely chopped, plus 1 Green Zebra tomato cut into small wedges for garnish
      1 seedless cucumber, coarsely chopped, plus finely diced cucumber for garnish
      1 medium sweet onion, coarsely chopped
      1 Hass avocado—halved, pitted and peeled
      1 small jalapeño, stemmed and seeded
      2 garlic cloves
      2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice
      2 tablespoons mint leaves, plus more for garnish
      2 tablespoons cilantro leaves
      ¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling
      Salt and freshly ground pepper

      1. In a blender, combine half each of the coarsely chopped green tomatoes, cucumber and onion with the avocado, jalapeño, garlic, lime juice and 1 cup of cold water and puree until smooth. Transfer the puree to a large bowl.
      2. Add the remaining coarsely chopped green tomatoes, cucumber and onion to the blender along with the 2 tablespoons of mint, the cilantro and ¼ cup of olive oil and pulse to a chunky puree.
      3. Add the puree to the bowl and stir well. Refrigerate the soup until well chilled, about 1 hour.
      4. Season the gazpacho with salt and pepper and ladle it into chilled bowls. Garnish the cold soup with the tomato wedges, diced cucumber, mint leaves and a drizzle of olive oil and serve.
      MAKE AHEAD The green gazpacho can be stored in an airtight container and refrigerated overnight.

      Yield: 10 servings

    13. tab*

      Asian Chicken and Cabbage Salad
      Adapted from Bon Appétit, May 2013

      Although it’s reason alone to keep a rotisserie chicken on hand, this salad would also be great with shrimp or sliced leftover pork chops.

      ½ jalapeño or Fresno chili with some seeds, chopped
      3 tablespoons vegetable oil
      2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
      1 tablespoon reduced-sodium soy sauce
      ½ teaspoon fish sauce
      ½ teaspoon grated peeled ginger
      Kosher salt
      ¼ small head of red cabbage, thinly sliced (about 2½ cups)
      1 medium carrot, peeled and shredded
      3 scallions, whites and pale greens only, thinly sliced
      1½ cups shredded rotisserie chicken
      ½ cup baby spinach or arugula, thinly sliced
      3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
      2 tablespoons chopped dry-roasted peanuts
      ¼ teaspoon toasted sesame seeds
      1. Whisk chili, oil, lime juice, soy sauce, fish sauce, and ginger in a large bowl; season with salt.
      2. Add cabbage, carrots, scallions, chicken, arugula, and cilantro; toss to coat.
      3. Top with peanuts and sesame seeds.

      YIELD: 2 servings

    14. tab*

      Chicken and Noodle Salad with Spicy Peanut Butter Dressing
      Adapted from Bon Appétit, February 2004

      5 Tbs creamy peanut butter (not freshly ground)
      ¼ cup low-salt chicken broth
      3 Tbs rice vinegar
      3 Tbs soy sauce
      1 ½ Tbs sugar
      1 Tbs oriental sesame oil
      1 Tbs minced peeled fresh ginger
      1 tsp cayenne pepper
      8 ounces linguine
      1 large orange bell pepper, cut into matchstick-size strips
      ¼ cup shredded or julienned carrots
      ½ cup chopped green onions
      ¼ cup chopped fresh cilantro
      ¼ cup chopped salted peanuts
      16 oz shredded chicken

      1. Combine first 8 ingredients in small bowl; whisk to blend. Set dressing aside.
      2. Cook pasta in large pot of boiling salted water until just tender but still firm to bite, stirring occasionally. Drain pasta; rinse with cold water and drain again. Transfer pasta to medium bowl.
      3. Add bell pepper, carrots, and green onions.
      4. Pour dressing over; toss to coat. Season salad with salt and pepper, and transfer salad to serving bowl.
      5. Sprinkle with cilantro and peanuts.

      Yield: 4 servings.

    15. tab*

      Margaret’s Pasta Salad

      3 cups uncooked pasta, such as bow tie or penne
      4 oz cooked ham, cut into strips
      4 oz Gorgonzola crumbles
      1 cup coarsely chopped toasted pecans
      ⅓ cup fresh parsley
      2 tablespoons fresh rosemary
      1 clove minced garlic
      ¼ cup extra virgin olive oil
      ½ teaspoon coarsely ground pepper
      ⅓ cup grated Parmesan cheese

      1. Cook pasta and drain.
      2. Mix remaining ingredients except Parmesan.
      3. Sprinkle with Parmesan and serve.

      Yield: 6 – 8 servings

    16. tab*

      Herbed Tomato Pasta Salad
      Gourmet, June 2004

      Active time: 20 min Start to finish: 30 min

      2½ lb cherry tomatoes, halved
      1 teaspoon sugar
      1 ¼ cups mixed chopped fresh herbs (cilantro, parsley, and basil is particularly good)
      1 lb pasta
      5 garlic cloves, chopped
      ¾ cup extra-virgin olive oil

      1. Stir together tomatoes, sugar, and herbs in a large bowl until combined well.
      2. Cook pasta in boiling salted water until al dente, then drain.
      3. Add hot pasta to tomato mixture.
      4. Cook garlic in olive oil in a 1-quart saucepan over moderately high heat, stirring, 1 minute.
      5. Add garlic with oil to pasta and tomatoes and toss to combine. Season with salt and pepper.

      Yield: 4 main-course servings.

    17. tab*

      Quinoa with Black Beans and Cilantro
      Adapted from Bon Appétit, September 2008

      1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
      2 cups chopped white onions
      1 cup chopped red bell pepper
      1 cup quinoa
      2 teaspoons chili powder
      1 teaspoon ground cumin
      ½ teaspoon salt
      1½ cups chicken or vegetable stock
      2 jalapeños, seeded and chopped (optional)
      1 15-ounce can black beans, rinsed and drained
      1 lime, juiced
      ½ cup chopped fresh cilantro
      4 ounces crumbled Cotija or feta cheese

      1. Heat oil in heavy medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Add onions and red pepper; sauté until beginning to soften, about 5 minutes.
      2. Stir in next 4 ingredients. Add stock and bring to a boil.
      3. Cover, reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer until quinoa is almost tender, about 14 minutes.
      4. Add beans and cook uncovered until heated through and liquid is fully absorbed, about 3 minutes.
      5. Transfer to bowl; sprinkle with lime juice, and add cilantro, jalapeños and cheese.
      This dish can be served warm or cold.
      Yield: 4 main course servings

    18. HannahS*

      -pasta or quinoa with tomatoes, cucumbers, lemon juice, feta, olive oil, salt, pepper, and herbs (some combo of parsley, chives, mint, oregano, basil, etc.)
      -scrambled eggs on toast with a leafy or chopped salad
      -deconstructed hummus salad: chickpeas, tahini, lemon juice, lots of black pepper, salt, chopped parsley, eat with bread and raw vegetables on the side

    19. Overeducated*

      I’m REALLY lazy lately, my summer meals are:

      1. sandwiches: nice bread with fresh mozzarella, basil, and tomatoes, or mozzarella, pesto, roasted red pepper, and salad greens

      2. Salads with rotisserie chicken: Caesar with bottled dressing is a very easy one where the chicken is cooked for you, a taco style salad with corn, black beans, salsa, and cheese is good too

      3. Pasta salad with Thai style slaw: whole wheat spaghetti, cabbage, carrots, green onions, herbs like cilantro and mint if you have them, dressing with vinegar, sugar, fish sauce, red pepper paste, and peanuts

    20. Swingbattabatta*

      My go-to summer pasta salads are: (1) Smitten Kitchen’s lemon and sugar snap pea pasta salad (bow tie noodles, ricotta, snap peas, lemon juice); and (2) noodles (rotini or something like that) tossed with zesty Italian salad dressing, parmesan, black olives, chunks of red/yellow/orange bell peppers, and diced salami (I sometimes exclude the salami if I’m not feeling it).

    21. Usually Lurks*

      I recently made a great hearty meal pasta salad using Penzey’s Green Goddess Dressing herb mix, which you can make with plain yogurt (I also up the vinegar part of the vinegar/yogurt ratio). Used whole wheat pasta (Bionaturae brand has great texture, not mushy or pasty), chopped zucchini, carrot, celery, green onion, sautéed chopped lacinato kale, and for protein cubed smoked tofu, which has a very firm texture and packs a great flavor punch. Ate it for lunch every day for a week and did not get tired of it.

    23. Samwise*

      Cook up a pot of French green lentils — they cook pretty quickly, about 20 minutes or so. Let them cool. Then make a salad with chopped tomatoes, fresh herbs (whatever you like — I use at least two different ones, say basil and mint, or parsley and anything, or dill and mint), chopped red or green onion, vinaigrette or lemon based dressing, toss it together, then toss in a generous amount of feta.

      It’s great with roasted sweet red peppers from a jar, olives, cut up sun dried tomatoes, cooked cut up zucchini, cooked cut up eggplant, artichokes quarters from the can, capers, chopped preserved lemons — think Mediterranean, you can’t go wrong.

      Serve with pita or baguette or focaccia. Or couscous (cooks quickly), quinoa.

      If you don’t like lentils, this same dish is great with chickpeas or with white beans (cannelini or navy bens). If you don’t like feta, use goat cheese.
      Check out Yottam Ottolenghi’s cookbooks, tons of veggie heavy recipes. Jerusalem is my favorite!

  73. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    I know some people on here are pretty good with money… What do you do medium range savings? Money you’re not planning on spending immediately, but don’t want to tie up like a retirement account?

    Right now my saving are just sitting in the bank at 2.2% interest. I looked into CDs a bit, but they look like they pay ~3% or less, which hardly seems worth the trouble.

    1. fposte*

      You’re not going to get more than that for short term in fixed/guaranteed. 2.2% interest is pretty good for a savings account; money market funds (not accounts, but funds) are paying about that as well or a little more. If this is five years or less for its goal, I’d say the goal is preservation, not growth, and accept the lower return. Given that, and assuming you’re not talking about millions, I’d probably keep the money in the most convenient location for me at that rough interest level.

      (There are a few weird accounts where if you pay twice with checks monthly and dance once with a rabbit at midnight you get like 4%, but I’d rather keep my life simple.)

      1. Not A Manager*

        I would absolutely dance with a rabbit for free, let alone for 4% interest. Where do I sign up?

    2. Gaia*

      Honestly, 2.2% sounds pretty good for short/medium term rates. From what I’ve seen, to get more than that it really will need to be tied up in longer term accounts.

    3. londonedit*

      Crikey, I’ve just put some savings in a medium-term account and the best rate I could get was 1.6%. UK interest rates are shocking. My regular easy-access savings get 0.75%.

      1. PX*

        Nationwide has easy access savers (ISA) at 1.1 if you want to shop around. But yes, I was also super excited to get my 1.7% bonds which only ties my money for 18 months!

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Right now, I’m just leaving that sort of money in a savings account because I have some home repairs/remodeling coming up and I want to keep everything really liquid until I’m through with the assorted nasty surprises that happen whenever you take apart anything to do with an older house to “fix one simple thing”.

      Once I get through those, I’ll probably do a CD ladder to get slightly better interest rates than I do in savings at the cost of some flexibility in getting my money out quickly. (A CD ladder is when you get, say, a $1000 CD each month with a due date 2 years out, and you keep doing that each month for 2 years, and roll over each CD as it matures, so after the initial set-up period you basically have 1/24 of your ladder coming due each month and can pull that much out without penalty if you need to. If my finances allow, I would eventually like to have a 24 month ladder set up with the goal of having my basic living expenses for a month covered each month in the ladder, so I could go a year or two living off of those savings as essentially monthly paychecks if I had to. This is more of a long-term dream than something I can achieve this week, but it’s something to work toward as I can.)

      The only other thing you might want to consider if it’s 5-10 years out is that you could try picking up bonds that you plan to keep to maturity, I guess. The bond market itself is like the stock market in that it has ups and downs so it’s better as a long-term than short-term investment strategy, but bonds also actually come due at various points so I suppose you could treat them similarly to a CD if you plan to keep your money in them for the length of time they’re actually for. (US Treasury bonds, while not insured like savings accounts, are generally considered an extremely safe investment. Municipal bonds are almost as safe, corporate bonds less so and pretty variable by corporation, and you should probably not be getting your detailed investment advice from a random person on the internet with a silly name, so definitely do more research elsewhere if you think you might want to go that route.)

    5. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      Mutual funds are good for med to long term savings – they are not just for retirement savings.

  74. MsRedPanda*

    I just finished reading “My Sister, The Serial Killer,” by Oyinkan Braithwaite! Has anyone else here read it? What did you think? I personally haven’t read anything so enjoyable in awhile. I’m a big fan of true crime shows, and documentaries but this fiction novel was great! It was a quick read taking me only 2 days.

    1. South West Trains*

      I loved this book – I went through it easily in under a day. So readable and fun (despite the gruesome subject matter) I loved the ending too.

    1. JediSquirrel*

      Best: it was a good week at work (no yelling!).

      Worst: dental issues and no dental insurance. (On the plus side, I am losing some weight because I can barely eat.)

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Best: I got to the farmer’s market early enough to get fruit and veggies today! I’m usually so slow out of the house on Saturdays that everything is really picked over by the time I get there. I will have lots of asparagus and strawberries for the next several days – just need to get to the grocery store and pick up some cream since we don’t have a dairy at the market (I really wish we did, but I know the logistics on fresh dairy are difficult). I also got a ridiculous-yet-tasty caprese toast thing for breakfast while I was there.

      Worst: Family nonsense disrupting my schedule. My uncle was supposed to stop by my mom’s house this morning at 10 am to talk with mom about grandma’s health and figure out something about a caregiving plan on his way to visit his daughter in another city for a while. Instead, his wife texts my mom at 10:45 or so that they’re just leaving [their city] and will probably be at [our city] around 1:45 or so unless they hit traffic. Mom and I had shifted our original morning plans to this afternoon to accommodate their 10am visit, so now mom and I had to re-shuffle everything because they couldn’t leave the house when they said they would or communicate with us sooner when it became clear that they wouldn’t be here at anything remotely close to 10am. (They live about 3-4 hours away, so they could certainly tell by 7 or 8am at the latest that they would not, in fact, be in mom’s city by 10 am, and that would have given her plenty of time to switch her plans back around to see me in the morning instead of the afternoon.)

    3. Alex*

      BEST:

      It’s freaking beautiful today. The weather is so amazing. Made plans with a friend to come over and drink beers on my porch.

      WORST:
      Said friend came down with a stomach bug last night and is stuck inside puking all day and of course can’t come drink beers on my porch.

    5. Anonyby*

      BEST: I got to my vacation goal of three amusement parks this week, and had a blast at each! The furthest one I only got about 3/4 done of what I wanted to do, but part of that was not everything was working yesterday (when I went). The rest was just that there’s SO MUCH to do there. To bad it’s so far away. I’ll have to try to get back next year. 3/4 was still a very happy and satisfying day.

      WORST: BFF and her husband were supposed to join me in going to one of the parks, but had to back out morning-of due to last-minute health issues. :( We’ve rescheduled for next month. (Luckily it was to the park I have a season pass for.)

    6. Cruciatus*

      Best–I guess at least I got my steps in today and then some at the Pokemon Community Day. But I mainly went to take my mind off of…

      Worst–Mom was expected to come home today after knee surgery Thursday, but she started to bleed at the surgical site and it does not appear to have been stopped yet (it’s been all day at this point). She’s been given many bags of blood, though I don’t quite know how serious this is. She’s texting me occasionally and said she feels better but her leg is all wrapped up like a mummy’s. This was supposed to be “easy” compared to her other hospital stays in the last year (for pulmonary hypertension diagnosis). So hopefully good news soon.

      (And all that blood she’s needed reminded me that the blood bank recently called me specifically for my blood (baby blood) and I’ve been putting it off–I need to get there to repay the favor for the community!).

    8. Beaded Librarian*

      Best: my training for my Aquabike is going okay and I feel like I will probably hit my goals.

      Worst: my kitchen sink plugged up and overflowed the washing drain in my laundry room bathroom. It stinks literally and cleaning it up has been a major pain. I had to have the maintenance men move and unhook the washer dryer unit so I could clean and deodorize behind it. Then I had to make a trip to the laundromat to wash the stinky towels.

    9. Weegie*

      Best: discovered pristine flooring under a grotty carpet in my new house.

      Worst: exhausting myself trying to get new house cleaned to MY standards!

    10. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      BEST: The car key fob problem I posted about last week turned out to be a simple battery problem after all. The replacement battery had been a dud.
      WORST: Rain, rain go away.

    11. Overeducated*

      Best: fun with family and friends last night – saw family for a relative’s birthday, got a last minute babysitting offer from a sibling (kiddo started ignoring us before we even said goodbye!), and then went to a work party and met some of spouse’s new coworkers and boss, who all seemed delightful and I actually wished we could have stayed longer.

      Worst: lots of stress around life logistics this week – multiple trips to the medical center and still need follow ups (while trying to fit in my 8 hours work to avoid taking any sick time), public transit closure that makes getting places on a bike in some weather conditions pretty unpleasant, and the continuing search for a house here while waiting to hear back about a job in another city. Sometimes basic daily adulting is just too much.

  76. Rebecca*

    Mom Update, or “If you have bladder issues, please don’t let them go for years and hope for the best”

    The result of the cystoscopy was that the muscles in Mom’s bladder aren’t working much any longer. The nerves work, so she knows she has to pee, but the muscles aren’t squeezing it out. I’m not sure what the actual medical term is, but this is how the doctor explained it. I was able to talk to the nurse without Mom knowing, and she convinced Mom to let me come back to hear what the doctor had to say. I filled the nurse in on all the list making, keeping track of input/output, etc. I must say I was surprised Mom agreed, as usually she likes to hide these things from me.

    So basically, the urine stays in her bladder and only a little bit goes out at a time, which is why she pees frequently but only a little bit at a time. This is also why she has frequent infections – the bladder isn’t made to be a long term storage facility. She is outputting more liquid than she takes in, but she doesn’t sweat much and there’s a lot of liquids in food. The doctor said there is one drug that might help, but she may have to fiddle with the dosing, etc. Her current infection shows multiple organisms, and the antibiotic prescribed should help. She started the new drug, fussed about the possible side effects, etc. and I told her that she could either try something that could help, or just go to a permanent catheter.

    Needless to say, she is very unhappy about this, as it can’t be fixed, she’ll continue to get infections, and if the drug doesn’t work so she can get more urine out at one time, she will need the catheter. I don’t blame her, but then again, this has been going on for years and she didn’t address it, until she was almost home bound. The other thing is, it doesn’t fit into her narrative of “I’m good because I eat plain, low fat or no fat food items, no added sugars, no butter or salt and pepper on cooked vegetables, no mayo, sugar free and salt free ketchup (blech!!)” etc. She puts a big moral equivalence on food items, as in, “some people eat like that, but ‘I’ don’t”, and “they can eat that stuff, when they get older, they’ll be sorry”. Things like that.

    So, I’m hoping that the meds work at least a bit – or she gets some relief so she can sleep. And I am sorry this has happened, and at least she’s gotten help! She’s not going to go back to her current PCP so good luck to the new one :P

    Off to mow the lawn while the sun is shining!!

    1. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Could you take her to a pelvic floor physical therapist? They can help. Hey bladder mucked may need to be stronger, but it is also possible she may not be able to completely relax her pelvic floor.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Has anyone spoken to you or to her about pelvic floor exercises? I am not a med pro, but from what I’ve read you would want a referral to a trained person, and not just do whatever comes up on google. IIRC, there are specific exercises for various conditions.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sorry to hear. I understand the mother who moralizes and who thinks that the mind (aka sheer stubbornness) can over-rule the body. Sigh. I hope you are taking care of you?

    4. Rebecca*

      I’m trying to help her as best I can, which isn’t easy. And thank you for the recommendations above on the exercises – but – her bladder has fallen, her bowel isn’t in the right place either, I don’t know what else is out of place, just what she said – the surgeries are undone. And the muscles involved, from what I understand, are the ones that contract the bladder when your brains says “you, pee now”. I’ll tell her to ask the doctor when she follows up on Thursday, though, just in case.

  77. Anonymous Educator*

    I love shows where people just eat lots of food and seem to enjoy it (even though most of the shows focus on meat/seafood, and I’m vegetarian). I enjoyed Anthony Bourdain’s (RIP) shows, and also Somebody Feed Phil, but it’s refreshing to see good person-eats-food shows that aren’t centered on a straight white cis man. I, of course, watched (and loved) Salt Fat Acid Heat.

    Recently, I stumbled upon a YouTube series called Family Style that has a bunch of people of Asian descent (or just straight-up Asian from Asia) eating all sorts of food. Lots of diversity in there (not just East Asian cuisine). A few celebs. Trans folks! It’s a great watch if you’re looking for something lighthearted to watch that has to do with food.

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      Did you watch Ugly Delicious on Netflix? It’s excellent, and hosted by David Chang of Momofuku. Street Food on Netflix is also really good and you might enjoy them both.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      No Passport Required with Marcus Samuelsson was decent too. I think it was in CNN but I’m not positive.

    3. Arya Parya*

      Just watched the first episode of The Chef Show on Netflix. Based on the movie Chef. It’s Jon Favreau and his chef friend (and another celeb friend) cooking and eating great food. You might want to try that.

    4. Jaid*

      I like watching Strictly Dumpling/Mikey Chen, a Chinese American food vlogger who travels the world. Look for him on YouTube. :-)

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        He’s on my spouse’s YouTube subscriptions, so I end up watching him a lot by accident.

    5. spock*

      I love Steve1989MREInfo on youtube. He just… buys a bunch of MREs and eats them, both modern and old. Sounded silly when I heard about it but I find it incredibly soothing.

    6. Zona the Great*

      I don’t know what your personality is like but you might check out Matty Matheson and Action Bronson who had shows on munchies which can be found on YouTube. Both white men but non-traditional.

    7. Hrovitnir*

      Thank you! I have been watching a bunch of food related videos on YouTube recently, spurred by Buzzfeed’s Worth It series, and now follow a bunch of random street food channels YouTube has suggested. I’ll check Family Style out.

      1. Hrovitnir*

        Or not, it’s blocked in NZ. I’m never quite sure how that achieves anything for anyone (for more major productions it just encourages pirating. Why would anyone wait months for a show to MAYBE come to their country when it will definitely be online for free right now?)

    8. Ginger ale for all*

      I really enjoy a YouTube series called Irish people try. I am not food adventurous and I get inspired to try new foods with this show. It isn’t quite like the other shows already listed but it is entertaining, especially when peanut butter is served.

  78. Gaia*

    So I have kind of an odd question for ya’ll, but no one in my in-person life would be able to give advise so here goes:

    About a year ago, I was given some stock when I separated from an old job. The stock has done okay historically but a myriad of events (both internally and globally) have made shareholders nervous and the stock has been really rocky and I have reason to believe this fall it may take a nose dive due to some political issues. It is likely that, if I hold onto it long enough, it will recover from this brief period of disruption and continue to grow.

    I also have a car loan that has another 3 years remaining on it (due to a need to buy a car quickly at the time and some old medical collections that I’ve since dealt with, the loan is at 12% interest – ugh). I can comfortably afford this loan now and, other than student loans (which will NEVER be paid off) it is my only debt. I am currently saving a few hundred dollars a month in addition to maxing out my 401k.

    Lately, however, I’ve been thinking of selling some of the stock and paying off the car loan so I can redirect that payment towards additional savings as I’d like to build up 6 months of expenses and begin saving to buy a house. I wouldn’t have to sell all of the stock, but about half of it. I’ve spoken to a tax adviser about the situation so I understand those implications but I guess I’m just wondering, in general, does it sound like good financial sense to cash out stock to pay off a loan?

    1. ATX Language Learner*

      Why not use the extra money you save to pay of it instead of cashing out the stock? It will take longer, sure, but if there are tax implications and in the long run keeping it will be more beneficial, that could be good thing to do.

      Also, the stock seems like a good “what if” blanket in case something serious happened and you needed some fast cash to pay for it.

      1. Gaia*

        Valid question. My concern is that would leave me without any readily available savings until the car is paid off. If I had a sudden emergency, it would be harder to access funds and, if the stock does suffer a downfall and I had a sudden emergency it would leave only my retirement account available for use which is a non-starter for me.

    2. Nacho*

      Stock averages ~9% per year. Obviously some does better than that and some does worse and some years are better than others, but as a whole, it’s a pretty decent number to use. I say sell the stock to pay off the car loan, maybe buy something else once you save up some extra cash and the next time the market drops.

      1. fposte*

        To be clear, that’s talking about the average annual return of the S&P 500 (and I favor the 7% number); that’s not the average annual return on a single stock. S&P has a high survivorship bias.

      2. Gaia*

        That is actually the idea. I’d sell the stock to pay off the car loan and then funnel part of the savings from not having a loan into cash savings and part into other investments.

    3. Anono-me*

      Have you looked into refinancing the auto loan? If you can get the interest low enough, it may make your decision easier. (Check a couple of places including at least one credit union.)

      You could do what I do. Write down your best projections as to where you will be financially in 1, 3 7 and 15 years with each path. Figure out what makes the most sense financially and to your peace of mind.

      Good luck.

      1. Gaia*

        I have looked into it, but for a myriad of reasons it doesn’t make a lot of sense to do so. Unfortunately, the value of this car fell hard and fast. Ugh.

        I like the idea of writing out projections, that is really helpful – thank you!

    4. fposte*

      Dump the single stock. Don’t ever hold on to a single stock in hope it will do better–for one thing, even if it does do better, will it outperform other stuff your money would be in, like the total market?

      How much are the gains on it, roughly, and what’s your cap gains bracket?

      1. Gaia*

        Yea, for the most part I agree and have always planned on diversifying further, I just have to wait a bit longer before I can do so (same time frame I’d be looking at selling to pay off the loan).

        There’s only a few thousand dollars in gains and I’m at 15%.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I don’t like to have all of my eggs in one basket. Taking into account tax consequences, I would make a plan to sell the stock in a prudent way over time, and re-invest in an index fund.

      1. Dan*

        On old client of mine used to be filthy rich… we’re talking multiple private jets, penthouse condo in Manhattan, and mansion in Beverly Hills rich (I saw his house list at $42 million when he sold it, I think the condo was $15 mil).

        Except he had all of his eggs in one single basket — millions of shares in a single stock he received from the sale of a company he founded. He never diversified, and that particular stock took a nose dive. It was trading over $1,000/share in its hey dey; it bottomed out at $2 and now trades around $50/share. My understanding is that he’s far from homeless now, but he isn’t high rolling like he used to.

        His business partner at the time of the sale diversified his stock, and remains on the Forbes list of billionaires.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I cashed out 2 big chunks of stock in the last 2 years to completely pay off my remaining student loans. My feeling was that I would rather not have the debt hanging over me. It was really more of an emotional/psychological decision that strictly financial, as the loans were at a really low rate (3.75, I think) and the stock was reliably climbing.

    7. Policy wonk*

      Get rid of the debt. No matter what you earn on the stock, it is likely less than the 12% interest on the car.
      For money management, read Michelle Singletary in the Washington Post. She has a column, The Color of Money, and does a weekly chat on Thursdays. (Text-based chat, not audio.)

    8. Mazzy*

      I would say yes, especially because of where we are in the economic cycle. Look at what’s been going on. The Dow hasn’t been able to beat it’s January 2018 high, and there have been a few large pull backs since. On Friday, stocks rallied for no rational reason – because job #s were so bad, that people thought the Fed would step in and lower interest rates. If the Fed lowers rate, that means the economy is in poor shape. If the Fed does not lower rates, there will probably be another huge drop like there was around Christmas. So short term, as in the next few years, stocks look like a lose-lose situation, unless you have healthy dividends or bought some stock on sale. Personally, I took $10K in stocks off of the table on Friday, because some stocks I own hit multi-year highs, and I don’t believe the stock market is going higher. The market is optimistic about Trump trade deals even though nothing happened last week, if there is any negativity, it will fall again. As a last point, remember that more and more stock action is occurring as part of ETFs and retirement/mutual funds, so you can’t just look at individual stocks to make decisions. Either way, I’d sell some.

      1. fposte*

        To expand and challenge a bit: nobody knows what the market future looks like, but a lot of people make money pretending they do; it’s inadvisable to listen to them.

        The Dow is 30 stocks; it doesn’t include many major movers, such as Facebook, Amazon, Netflix, and Google, so it’s lagging behind the S&P 500, which has 470 more stocks in it and has indeed exceeded its 2018 high. Not by much, but 2017 was several years’ worth of run-up in one year, and people got disappointed when that turned out to be an aberration and that stocks would still go up and down regularly as they always have.

        Unless you need cash to live on and have no choice, dividends are a bad deal in a down market. They’re forcing you to sell off your stocks at a lower price *and* requiring you to pay tax on the whole amount withdrawn (if you sold shares voluntarily you’d only pay tax on the gains, not on the whole amount).

        It’s good to have an asset allocation and rebalance to get back to it if you’re out of whack, but pulling money out in fear of a drop is classic emotional investing, which is one of the biggest ways people lose money in the market. Once it’s in cash, emotional investing tends to make us extra attached to it and need to justify to ourselves why we’re putting it back in the market, more than we do for, say, putting money in a 401k.

        And there’s a reasonable chance that money’s been pulled out before the market goes *up*, not down, so then that’s a gain that gets missed, but we still won’t put the money back in because it’s not a dip and we want to recoup our sunk costs. Then there’s a dip of 1% but we won’t put the money back in because that’s not enough of a dip. Or we put it back in but pull it out again because the market is still dropping, and we can’t guess any more than anybody else where the bottom of a dip is, and it feels like we’ve pulled the money out unprofitably if we don’t maximize the dip–which would require fortune-telling.

        Sell the stock, but do it because it’s disproportionately risky to have a plurality of your assets in a single stock and it makes better sense for you to use that money to pay down debt, not because we have any idea what the future will bring. Sell the stock and remember it’s the right thing to have done even if it keeps going up.

      2. Gaia*

        Something I didn’t mention earlier, but is relevant: this isn’t traded on the Dow, it is traded only in London. While whatever happens here does seem to have an impact there, I’m more concerned about the prospect of a no-deal Brexit than our child-in-chief.

  79. ww*

    Hello! I posted here last November overwhelmed with a cat who’d recently gone through heart failure, looking for words of wisdom in dealing with a pretty intense medicine regime, poor prognoses and assorted “how the hell do I get this cat to take five pills a day” terrors. Just wanted to say thanks for all the advice and well-wishes offered, and to announce that as of this past Wednesday Bubby the disaster cat is officially off all her meds (!) with a heart that while still not -normal- is probably back down to her normal (!!) and so is asymptomatic and could stay that way for years (!!!). The vet was so delighted by this rare outcome that he shook my hand.

    I’m thrilled of course, both because the cat’s doing better and because my wallet was really feeling those every-three-week vet checks+medication refills. The cat, naturally, has no idea what’s going on. She does realize she isn’t getting her nightly liquid-med-in-Fancy-Feast junk food special and so is mad at me I think. I’ve started Bubby an Instagram so she can become an influencer and bring in some money to recoup those vet bills, I’m told that’s what the cool cats are doing these days.

    Thanks again and solidarity to everyone else on the Sick Pet Roller Coaster. It’s Not Easy (note to whoever makes pet medication, if you could come up with a blood thinner that doesn’t taste so vile my cat would literally rather starve than go near it that’d be great) but sometimes there’s good news!!

    1. Turtlewings*

      That’s really wonderful news, kisses to Bubby and good luck with her new Insta career!

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      wonderful news… so happy for you, and yes, I remember!! (virtual hug)

  80. Elizabeth West*

    KITTIES <3

    This person I used to skate with who now skates with Disney on Ice is visiting her parents and has invited me to a get-together at their home tonight. I'm excited to see her—I haven't since she left several years ago. I almost said "this girl," but she's not a girl anymore; she's a young woman. I watched her grow up, so it's hard to think of her as an adult, lol. In a way, we were peers since we were both skaters and most of the other adults at the rink were non-participating parents. For a long time, I was the only adult skater doing shows, on practice ice, etc.

    She gets to go all over the world. Her Instagram, as you can imagine, is amazeballs. I'm kinda jealous but also really proud of her. This is the perfect gig for her; she loves performing as much as I do/did and she really loves to skate—and is fabulous at it. She can do Biellmann spins and everything. She was basically me as a kid, if we had stayed in KC, where there were rinks and theater. I don't know that a competitive career would have been the best fit for her.

    I wish I had actual news to share with her. Like that I had a book deal, etc. I feel very unimpressive. Well, maybe next time. :)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I did! It was great to see her again. Her parents’ new house is GORGEOUS. #Goals, lol.

  81. Jean (just Jean)*

    No advice but sympathies and wishes that you will feel better soon! I hope the hints and suggestions from other readers are helpful.
    I discovered that the following broadcasts, if played at low volume, make good white-noise background for sleeping:
    – C-Span radio: lectures or Congressional hearings on noncontroversial topics
    – BBC News radio: long programs on non-crisis current events
    – The Metropolitan opera (Saturday afternoons on some classical music stations)
    I can also sleep to American football games on TV, but that’s because I not a sports fan.
    YMMV, but good luck.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      It’s not (American) football season now, but personally I’ve found that listening to baseball games on the radio is amazing for sleeping or napping! It often puts me right out and I’m a terrible sleeper. Bonus points if the broadcasters for your local team are super boring.

  82. Bibliovore*

    Down the rabbit whole writing an academic paper about Vera B. Williams for a conference this Thursday.
    My mantra is “everything gets done” and yes that IS interesting now stick to the very, very, very narrow theme of the paper.
    For my weekend time off I have
    Gone to COSTCO and bought lights for the backyard and a clothes steamer.
    Read the Friday paper.
    Read 8 peer reviewed journal articles.
    Took a friend to get her car serviced.

    For fun- I am going to watch 2 episodes of dead to me when a draft is done.
    I am going to make soba noodles, home pickles, and salmon for dinner.

    1. Bibliovore*

      back on Sunday night. Behind on the paper but…
      I watched all of Dead to Me and I’m not sorry.
      Work /Life balance- life is winning.

  83. Gatomon*

    I found a condo that would be perfect for me this week, and I put in an offer last night; the owners have until Sunday to respond. I’m nervous as hell about it. What if they reject it? Why would they when it’s full asking price? What if they actually accept my offer? What if I can’t get financing? I would have to move all this CRAP?! This is a staggering amount of money! I feel like I need anti-depressants again to cope with this, but they wouldn’t even have full effect until it’s all over with anyway.

    Interspersed with that brain mess I have these fantasies about riding a bike to work and having a wall color other than stark white and someplace with enough space to have more than 2 people in comfortably. I wish my mind would pick an emotional state and go with it.

    1. Ops manager*

      Just went through this and bought a condo.

      Don’t know where you are located – but they most likely won’t reject a full priced offer. They will either accept, or if they had multiple offers, they will go back to everyone for a second round (ie try and start a bidding war).

      For financing – hopefully your offer was contingent on you getting a mortgage, but if you are pre—-approved you will be fine.

      Good luck – the month and a half from our offer being accepted to closing was the most stressful month of my life.

      1. Gatomon*

        I finally got word that they accepted! So things are happening!

        I got prequalified, but now I have to get loan applications in. I started on one tonight but weirdly it only offered me an ARM, I’m not even sure how or why? It was before I even gave it any info about my debts or income and when I talked to the loan officer at this bank he was saying conventional loan. I don’t want an ARM at all, not with interest rates this low. It also made me calculate my student loan payments at 2% of the balance for the ones that are still in grace period, which makes me look like I’m drowning in debt. So I’m feeling uneasy all over again. I’ll be doing a few more applications this weekend. The offer is contingent on me being able to finance it, thankfully, but I will be really sad if this falls through.

    2. Cat*

      Good luck! Whatever happens, it’ll work out! I didn’t get the first condo I put in an above-price offer on but did get the second one I put in a below-price offer on. And I honestly think the second one ended up being a better fit for me. Real estate is mysterious.

    3. Merci Dee*

      When I was buying my place a couple of years ago, I went through the see-sawing emotions, too:

      I’m so excited! A place of my own!!

      I’m going to be sick! A mortgage!!

      It’s totally normal to be both excited and terrified right now, because you see all the potential of having a place that belongs to you even while you’re fully aware of the huge financial responsibility you’re strapping to your back. By the time you’ve made your third mortgage payment, the “new” has rubbed off and it’s pretty routine after that.

      Hope you get some good news on your offer!! :)

      1. Gatomon*

        Oooh I would like to fast-forward to that nice calm state after all is done and I’ve moved and settled in!

  84. Mimmy*

    I’m on the market for petite swimwear! Are there any particular brands that you guys like? I’m a little heavy and also a bit modest.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      I hear you! I have worn swimshorts for years because I hate the idea of basically wearing my underwear in public.

      LLBean sells the swimwear equivalent of a modest tank top and shorts. If you want additional coverage, get a “rashguard” shirt (fabric blocks UV light) from Lands’ End or LLBean. LLBean also has some swim dresses and one-piece suits.

      Lands’ End also has a gazillion swimsuit options, including their basic tank suit, a few swim dresses & skirts, and lots of coordinated, sold-as-separates tops and bottoms. May or may not fit your personal expectations re modesty.

      Both stores offer some petite options. Prices vary between reasonable and beyond (IMHO, more than $50 for a swimsuit is unreasonable but YMMV). However, both also have fairly frequent sales or coupons.

      You ca search online for modest swimwear (long sleeves, swim dresses, and/or leggings). There’s a market for these among women in some of the more traditional corners of various religious communities.

      Good luck and happy swimming!

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        You can also search for UV-protective clothing to get some modest options outside of the places that specifically market as modest. I hate wearing sunscreen and I don’t want skin cancer, so I wear UV-protective stuff from Coolibar that covers down to the wrists and ankles so I can minimize my sunscreen usage while swimming outside a lot. I particularly like these for the “in and out of the pool a lot” use case since you don’t have to re-apply your leggings every thing you get out of the pool like you do sunscreen.

    2. Asenath*

      I found that the Swimoutlet site had a much wider range of styles of swimwear than I could find locally, so I could pick styles I wanted. One I bought was slightly long-waisted for me, but I could still get by with it, and the other was fine.

    3. cat socks*

      Lands End has a pretty big variety of styles and sizes. I’m 5’0″ and have a one piece that has held up nicely over the years.

    4. hermit crab*

      I recently tried out legging-style swimsuit bottoms and they are AMAZING. I recently spent an entire week wearing them at the beach, snorkeling, exploring, etc. Super comfortable, sun-protecting, flattering (I mostly wore them with a longish tankini top), and they look like regular exercise leggings so you don’t need an extra coverup to do things like run into the store in your way to the beach. Mine are Tyr brand but there are lots of options out there.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thanks for the brand name information. The company that sold me my leggings seems to have discontinued them!

  85. Teapot Translator*

    Exercise thread?
    After a period of rest due to my plantar fasciitis, I’ve started exercising again. Short hikes seem to trigger the pain in my foot, but yoga and pilates seem to have no effect, so I’ll continue with that for the moment. I’m trying another hike (short) tomorrow. And I want to go back to Zumba (I won’t do the jumps). I need to find an activity that works on my cardio without triggering the pain in my foot. :/
    What kind of exercise are you doing?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Once I finish getting my spare room sorted out (hopefully next week), I’ll have a mini elliptical in there, a step for step aerobics, a small set of hand weights, a yoga mat, and a rowing machine. Planning to do a 30 day trial of Daily Burn – workout video subscription. Hopefully that, plus online videos a la “walking through lovely scenery” etc, will give me enough variety that I don’t get bored :) (anybody have experience with Daily Burn?)

    2. Phoenix Programmer*

      Once I got the right shoes my PF pain went away. I had to find firm, thick soles, that we’re neither to narrow nor too wide.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’ll second this. In my case, it was getting the right orthotics. The ones given to me by my podiatrist made the pain worse; the ones that my wife’s podiatrist recommended for her PF neutralized 99 percent of the discomfort within a few days. Plantar fasciitis is, unfortunately, something for which everyone’s going to have a totally different experience re: what works and doesn’t.

        But to directly answer Teapot Translator’s question, I’m also a recent plantar fasciitis victim and I’ve found that riding an exercise bike has had no negative effect on my foot.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Yeah, I’ve been seeing a podiatrist, so hopefully one day I’ll be fully pain-free (or I just need to accept that my body is not made for exercise, so I should just accept the pain).
          In the meantime, I’ll try the exercise bike for the cardio! Thanks.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        I am thinking of buying new sport shoes, but it wasn’t one of the “treatments” recommended by my podiatrist. I got tired of the pain (6-7 months long!) so I finally went with the cortisone injection. It helped, but not one hundred percent. I don’t want to do a second one because it means two weeks of forced rest. Ugh.

        1. Lcsa99*

          Not sure you’ll see this, but for me, the first cortisone shot only helped for a week or two but when they did it a second time, with a mix of steroids it completely went away. It may be worth the forced rest if the same is true for you!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      UGH I’m on a forced break due to: tendinitis in my left elbow, a pulled muscle in my left arm (between the shoulder and biceps) and a pulled muscle in the back of my left calf from a fall at work a few weeks ago. I’m just about ready to get back at on Monday, though. I’m sure I’ll be really sore Tuesday and Wednesday!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        It took until I was in my thirties before I tried exercising regularly, and now, I can’t not exercise. It’s not my favourite thing in the world (except Zumba), but I feel much better mentally when exercising.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I feel exactly the same way about exercise! It took me until I turned 40, though. I’ve been consistent for three years and counting! I don’t love it, but it’s now so much of a habit that I feel guilty if I skip; therefore, I very rarely skip unless I need to.

    4. Not A Manager*

      If you want cardio that doesn’t stress your foot, have you considered swimming?

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I signed up for a swimming class for July and August!
        The thing is, I need to “follow” someone to be motivated to exercise. So, I like group classes. And it’s been unseasonably cold around here so I didn’t feel like going swimming (even if the pool is inside). But it’s getting better!

    6. Adara*

      I powerlift three times a week, do cardio twice a week, and practice yoga once a week. For cardio, I either swim, indoor row, or teach spin class.

      I don’t have plantar fasciitis, but I am currently treating a partially torn tendon in my foot, so I’ve stopped running/jumping for the past six months. Indoor rowing is a great, low-impact way to get some cardio done. Consider that if you’re not a swimmer.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I’ll check if my gym has a rowing machine.
        I wish I exercised as often as you, but I always end up getting hurt because I try to go too far too fast.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Right now I’m just getting back into walking after a very dark, soggy, and depressing winter. I need to add some resistance training. Ideally, I would work with a trainer to make sure I don’t hurt my messed-up shoulders/elbows, but I can’t afford that right now. The elbow I hurt that everyone though might be broken is still painful, though it’s better now. Not good enough yet to get back on the eight-pound weights, however. Back to the fives, maybe even the ones until it’s fully healed. :P

    8. LibbyG*

      A PiYo class might work for you. If flows through the moves fast enough that it raises you pulse and keeps it up. I didn’t like it at first, because I was used to settling into a pose in yoga, but I got used to it.

    9. Kuododi*

      I use a recumbent stair stepper at the Y where I work out. The concept is the same as a recumbent bike…it’s just stair step motions and since it’s sitting, minimizes the stress on my back.

    10. Anonymous Editor*

      I have been a Zumba instructor for six years, and 90 percent of the time when students get plantar fasciitis, it has to do with the shoes they’re wearing, so make sure they’re good quality. Ryka’s dancer shoes work great for my feet. Also, consider trying a Zumba Gold class while you’re easing back in. It’s designed for people with challenges like yours and shouldn’t have any high-impact movements.

  86. Phoenix Programmer*

    Thanks everyone who gave me tips about navigating the foster parent situation.

    Things with my sister are still rough. She has not apologized at all, but she did ask me to foster both kids since they are being moved already to a new family. I told her no. I can take nephew but not toddler. She then said she will never let wother of them out of State. So on my end I have gathered all the paper work I would need to foster, but there is not much else to do.

    I spoke to nephew a couple of times on the phone before he moved. I hope the new family is better about calling me back.

    I’m going to send a care package to the social worker to forward along to the kids.

    1. fposte*

      The care package sounds like a great idea, and I’m glad you were able to speak to your nephew. I wish it were all easier.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sorry. This is so hard for everyone. I hope you can keep in touch with your nephew.

      Are your household and your pets doing any better?

    3. Thursday Next*

      I’m really wishing the best for you and the kids. As heartbreaking as it is to say you’d take nephew but not toddler, it absolutely sounds like like the right decision. I’m sure both of them would be excited to get a care package.

  87. The very long weekend*

    I wanted to say a huge thanks to all the people who sent their best wishes when my husband was suddenly taken to the psych ward last weekend. I didn’t have a chance to answer because things were crazy and hectic, but your messages were a huge source of comfort, especially since we unfortunately don’t have much of a village to lean on in our current city (but I am grateful for the excellent care he received at our local hospital). He is now out of the hospital with a double dose of antidepressants, multiple psych and therapy appointements scheduled, and he seems better, although it’s definitely a long road ahead. Shoutout to all the people dealing with mental health issues and their loved ones trying their best to be supportive.

    1. Claire*

      *hugs*

      I’m glad your husband is getting good care. I ended up in a psych ward a couple years ago and while the whole episode was scary, getting proper meds and therapy has made all the difference in the world. 8f you ever need to talk, I am here for you.

    2. Been there*

      I’m glad they looked after him well and that there’s good follow-up. Best wishes to you both.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending another virtual hug this week. Thank you for sharing that he is out, and keep us posted so we can support you on this long road ahead.

  88. Mazzy*

    Does anyone have any tips on washing shoes? I’m at my wits’ end. I have an active lifestyle and multiple pairs of sneakers. Three pairs smell and I’m running out of shoes to wear, but I cannot seem to get the smell out. It’s not even that bad. It’s the same cycle over and over – I was the shoes by hand, they smell fine, but by the time they dry, they have a mildewy smell, like a wet beach towel left on the floor in a dark room. The problem is, it’s hot and sunny and 80 degrees and I had them in the sun. I have no clue how to dry them quick enough so that mildew smell doesn’t kick in. Does anyone else have a workaround to this? Please help!

    3. Not A Manager*

      I buy the odor crystals that they sell at Container Store and Bed Bath and Beyond. I don’t know what they are called. You can get a big tub of them for a whole room, like a laundry room or your car, or you can get little packets. They smell very strong when you first open them, like a mint or eucalyptus, but after a day or two I don’t smell much scent at all. I put one in my shoe drawer, but for very smelly shoes I’ll put one in each shoe.

      Another good odor eater is baking soda. You could try liberally sprinkling baking soda inside the shoes and letting them sit in the sun for a few days.

    4. Kathenus*

      For my tennis shoes, light weight hikers, Skechers, and similar I put them in the washing machine with my laundry. I’ve done it for years, works great. I’ve sometimes also run them in the dryer, but not often because they tend to hit the door at some point in the cycle, knocking it ajar, and turning off the dryer.

      1. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

        I also wash tennis shoes in my wash machine. It really works well.

      2. Earthwalker*

        Yes, this. If they’re made with polyester fabrics and that ersatz leather that so many are made of these days, they don’t shrink a bit. Tie up the laces before they go in or they’ll knot up with any clothes that join them.

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      Have you tried baking soda? Pour some in the shoe and let them sit overnight, then dump it out in the morning. Usually letting things dry in the hot sun outdoors will do the trick, though, so I’m surprised it’s still a bother! You can put the shoes in a dryer (maybe with some towels in there to dampen the abuse on the dryer), you can spray the insides (lightly!) with vinegar or vodka and let them dry, you can stuff the shoes with newspaper and let them sit for a few days to soak up any remaining moisture or odor.

      1. Mazzy*

        Do you do this in water or if they’re damp, or do you just mean dry baking soda in a dry shoe? Sounds like the easiest tip here to try first, tonight.

        1. I have the same problem*

          Dry baking soda in a dry shoe. The shoe should be no more damp than it is after normal wear. Once will not be enough but in my experience doing it for like a week every-night can take care of a lot of the smell. And if you have shoes you wear daily doing it nightly long term can really help prevent smells.

          1. Valancy Snaith*

            Yup, exactly this! And rotating the shoes–giving them longer breaks of a week or two–can help matters out as well, so you can give one pair a rest and deodorize them nightly while wearing a couple other pairs instead.

    6. Policy wonk*

      Container Store has these pouches of activated charcoal that are the right size for shoes. They work better than most other things I’ve tried.

    7. Anathema Device*

      I don’t think washing them is actually the right solution. Try Odour Eaters spray or Odaban powder.

    8. Penguin*

      It might not be the washing that’s the problem, it might be the drying- if they’re taking a long time to dry, that might be enough time for the mildew to get a hold. Try looking up “boot dryers”- they’re hollow plastic stands with a heating coil that are designed to dry footwear. Places like Dicks’ Sporting Goods carry them, they probably run ~20 $US. They’ll dry shoes from the inside out, preventing mildew from having a warm, moist environment to grow inside the shoe. (I’ve used them quite happily for years for sneakers and boots of all sorts.)

      1. Mazzy*

        Seriously? I might use one of the gift cards I have sitting around for these. thanks

    9. LCL*

      Completely unlace the shoe, and pull the tongue to the outside. And if the insoles are removeable, take them out to try separately.

  89. SAHM*

    Yay!! It’s summer!! No waking up early for drop offs, no stopping midway through my day for pickups! Last day of school has come and gone and I survived! Went to the park this morning and all the neighbor kids were there, then the parents showed up and someone brought vodka pops…. lets just say first Saturday of summer has been AWESOME. :-)

  90. BRR*

    I recently started making bread with a sourdough starter and for those who have been doing this longer, is it worth the hassle? I love the bread I’ve baked, I LOVE the pizza dough I make with it, but it’s such a PITA. It’s finally old enough that I will start refrigerating it (I wanted to wait until I had a good routine going) but it seems like such a hassle.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I think it’s worth it, BUT– it is indeed a pain and, therefore, best left for long lazy days with terrible weather. Bread making, that is. For the starter itself, you’ll get into a rhythm soon enough. I go weeks without feeding mine because I am lazy (thanks for the reminder!) but it’s a good, strong one and I’ve been lucky.

    2. university minion*

      Yes, it’s worth it. I don’t get to do it as often as I’d like, but YES! The King Arthur No-Knead Sourdough has been a game changer for me, since I can do it over the course of 2 evenings, so I don’t have to either stay up all night or wait for a weekend. With it, I have bread for the week and also don’t have to let my starter go for too long because of lack of time/initiative to bake.
      I started my starter from flour and water 6 years ago and it’s marvellously robust. I’ve neglected it for the better part of a year in a mason jar in the back of the fridge and it comes back raring to go in 2 or 3 feedings. It’s ridiculously awesome that way.
      Occasionally I have some waste that goes on the compost, but I try to minimize it.
      It shouldn’t be too much of a hassle… this stuff is pretty robust and can handle some neglect.

    3. Not A Manager*

      It’s completely worth it. I found that it took WAY longer than the internet told me, to get a starter that was mature enough to leaven bread with no additional yeast. Why did I want no additional yeast? Who knows, it’s part of a Little House fantasy. In the zombie apocalypse, when commercial yeast cannot be found, I will still be able to bake bread.

      That said, my starter is mature enough that I can feed it once a week if I’m not in a baking mood. I feed it twice before I use it. I also do a retard in the fridge for both rises.

      It’s a slow process, but the actual hands-on time is very limited, and the bread is wonderful.

  91. Anon and alone*

    I know there’s a reading thread (usually), but I’m curious. What genre, type of book or author would you NOT read? I’ve often thought that it is easier to say what I don’t read than what I do, so I’ll go first. Also, has a favorite author ever written something that disappointed you?
    I don’t read westerns (tried one, did not like), books with sad endings (Oprah’s book club springs to mind), and an author by the name of David Icke (I think, in his previous career as a goal keeper, he got hit in the head too many times). A favorite author (Dean Koontz) wrote two books that disappointed me. The first had such great build up, then the end fell flatter than a souffle when you open the oven door too early. The second had him hold back stuff that would have told us the main character was going wrong. Anyway, if anyone is interested in commenting, the floor is yours.

    1. Anathema Device*

      I don’t really like historical fiction. I don’t mean any offence to people who do – I just really don’t enjoy it.

    2. Merci Dee*

      I’m curious… which books by Koontz did you not like? I generally love his work, and like some of his books more than others, so I’m always interested to hear which books others liked or didn’t.

      1. Anon and alone*

        The two titles that disappointed me were “Cold Fire” and “Your Heart Belongs To Me”. The first had such a great build up, then splat. The second, he deliberately held back stuff.

    3. annakarina1*

      I don’t like literary fiction about people’s troubled marriages, I find it incredibly boring, or some finding-myself story about some Ivy League navel-gazing bore. A lot of these tend to be prestige bestsellers, and I just find them to be boring and unimaginative. I also don’t like family dramas for very similar reasons.

      I liked Francesca Lia Block books a lot as a teen, but stopped when I saw she kept writing the same heroine over and over again, pretty much a waify L.A. teen girl who is “lost” and is prettier than anyone who is fat or isn’t bone-thin, and it not only felt like a romanticized version of Block as a teen L.A. girl, but got really close to fetishizing anorexia and turned me off a lot from her writing.

      1. The Grammarian*

        I agree with you about the troubled-marriage trope and about the average-guy-finding himself trope. I don’t enjoy Gary Shteyngart’s type of novels, and also Jonathan Franzen. I also don’t enjoy bodice-ripper type of romance novels (though I do like the more modern type). I don’t like “sad girl” books.

    4. Oldster*

      Disappointment – Steven King Turns out I didn’t like most of what he wrote when he first got sober. And I tried. One book I quit in the middle and 2 others I read multiple chapters before quitting.
      I will read almost anything but not usually a big fan of autobiographies. And don’t read political books about current events.
      Preferences are mysteries and science fiction and police/legal procedurals.

    5. OyHiOh*

      I don’t read (or watch, for that matter) horror.
      Very limited tolerance for fantasy and sci fi
      Hard nope on “romance genre” though not opposed to, say a historical novel that happens to include a romantic sub plot

    6. NewReadingGlasses*

      Dave Eggers, Gregory MaGuire, contemporary politics, memoirs of people that I haven’t found interesting before I see they’ve written a memoir, “CEO recommended!” business books. There are exceptions to some of these categories, but Maguire will not fool me again.

    7. WS*

      Books with an older man and manic pixie dream girl love interest.
      Books with a romance where the hero is aggressive and mean to the heroine or about the things she cares about. This goes double if he’s shown to be right. (Romance as a genre is not my thing, I’m more talking about books outside that genre with a romantic plotline in them.)

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      Liane Moriarty (Little Big Lies) and all her imitators. Basically “upper middle class wives have cookie-cutter perfect lives on the surface but also Deep Dark Secrets and sad lives that they don’t do anything about” gets on my nerves. I just find them all so boring.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I love nonfiction, but only if it’s about people. If it’s about concepts (for lack of a better word), like economics or political theory or science or whatnot, I’m totally uninterested. The way I explain it is, I don’t want to read about Einstein’s theories, I want to read about how Einstein came up with them, what was he doing, what was happening in his life at the time and what led him to develop them.

    10. Femme d'Afrique*

      I also don’t like westerns. I absolutely loathe science fiction, and wouldn’t read it even if I’d completely run out of books. I generally avoid autobiographies, since they just read like novel-length press releases. The exception is autobios by people I already admire, like Mandela or Angela Davis, because they give me insight into the person’s thought process and experiences.

      My favourite author is Toni Morrison, and I don’t think she’s capable of disappointing me. ;)

    11. The Other Dawn*

      Hmm. I’ve never really thought about it, so good question!

      I guess I’d say true crime and modern inspirational feel-good stories (not sure if that make sense).

      I love love love historical fiction. I also really enjoy thrillers, action, suspense, some horror (like Stephen King) and stuff like that. I like a little sci-fi, but I’m super picky about it.

      1. Anon and alone*

        The Other Dawn, as I recall you were last reading “Redemption” by David Baldacci (I also read it and enjoyed it). If you finished it did you enjoy it? Have you ever read any of James Rollins’ Sigma Force series?

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’m still reading it. I’m only about 1/3 of the way through, but I’m enjoying it so far. I like all of Baldacci’s books. I don’t know if you saw the post, but I went to a book signing of his recently so I got to meet him! Very nice and a great sense of humor.

          I haven’t read any James Rollins’ book yet, so I’ll have to add that to my list. Thanks!

    12. Kate Daniels*

      Horror and inspirational/Christian fiction/romance. Romance is my favorite genre, but I’m out if it’s religious.

    13. acmx*

      I don’t read romance (I can read a novel with a love story in it) and most of Alison’s book recommendations – not interested in dysfunctional relationships and I agree with Traffic Signal.

    14. Felicia*

      I don’t read romance. I love books that contain romance in them as like a subplot from all other genres. But when a book is only romance and nothing else I can never get into it.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t like romance novels. I don’t like rom-coms either, in film. There are a handful of romances I read and enjoyed, but only a very few, and that was a long time ago. I’m okay with romance IN the book, but as the focus? Not so much.

      Overtly Christian or religious fiction is a hard no. I’ve been a horror fan for years and have recently begun drifting into sci-fi and fantasy. I don’t mind religious elements in those genres, but not if it’s thinly veiled proselytizing. Hard sci-fi with rockets and robots leaves me cold. I like character-driven stories like those from Robert J. Sawyer. His Neanderthal Parallax trilogy blew me away.

      Westerns are boring, though a friend of mine wrote one I enjoyed. Memoirs are also boring unless the story has a very unusual or dramatic bent. I like thrillers, but I’m completely uninterested in political or military intrigue unless there’s a speculative element, like the grendels in James Rollins’ Ice Hunt.

      I used to be a huge true crime aficionado, but I’ve gone off that a bit. Not because I don’t find it interesting; I seem to now prefer watching documentaries to reading narrative non-fiction.

    17. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Exact same as Annakarina1 for the distastes, especially the second kind. The vaguely more than anonymous someone going on and on on his epiphany… annoys me big time. I can even extend the category to any artist unable to find any source of inspiration beyond his own navel.
      On disappointments… well, fantasy is one of my favorite genres (along thriller and mystery) and one of my classics is Robin Hobb’s Farseer series. And then I read The Liveship Traders.
      A big Farseer strength is the first person narration helping the characterization of the main character. In the Liveship traders, with the third person narration and the multiple characters… I just couldn’t make myself care about any of them.

    18. roisin54*

      Fantasy, westerns, crime thrillers, legal thrillers (thrillers in general really,) mysteries, most sci-fi, most horror, books about rich people with problems, books about dudes finding themselves, pretentious literary fiction, and most of Oprah’s book club picks.

      I’ve mostly been reading non-fiction lately because fiction in general is so blah to me right now. The last fiction I liked enough to finish was Ray Bradbury’s The Illustrated Man, and that was over a year ago. Mostly I read books of humorous essays, memoirs, off-beat history, and history of film and television.

    19. Earthwalker*

      Romances, or those modern literary novels where the protagonist sees life as hopeless and filled with boredom at the start, and then he/she works through a lot of crises – dramatic or comic – and realizes in the end that his/her life is still hopeless, boring, and pointless.

    20. Blue Horizon*

      Corporate CEO hagiography, especially the autobiographical kind. Also religious texts (the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, Ayn Rand).

    21. Armchair Expert*

      Any book where the blurb starts “On the surface, Heroine had the perfect life. Great marriage, lovely kids, a nice house in the suburbs. And then one day, everything changes”. This filters out a LOT of books.

      Also, the male-author equivalent, wherein the white middle class protagonist spends a lot of time thinking about his life, the nature of marriage and fidelity and a few musings on eternity, all while eyeing off his graduate student.

      Genres: westerns, romances, and as I get older, satire. Anything quirky or naif: I can’t deal with Jasper Fforde, which I know is an unpopular stance. Anything described as “heartwarming”. Anything described as “experimental”.

      Despite all of this, I read a lot, I swear!

  92. What do we have here*

    Generally, I don’t read science fiction or fantasy. I also avoid books about miserable people or dysfunctional families. There’s a lot of AAM’s recommendations that fall into the latter, but every now and then I’ve gotten some great suggestions. :)

    I loved Liane Moriarty’s earlier books, but the last two were very disappointing.

    1. Maya Elena*

      I totally sympathize… I find extreme dysfunction very frustrating (even if very realistic) – the situations where you want to shout at the character, “get over yourself!” and they just self-sabotage because of weird mental gymnastics. (Although I used to class Jane Eyre in this category, but my view on it changed 10 years later, so you never know; tastes change.)
      Here are some suggestions that you may like, if you haven’t read them already:
      -Betty Smith’s “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”. There’s hardships, but the characters are precisely strong, functional, and *not* miserable – which is the whole point.
      -“Flotsam” by Erich Maria Remarque (translated from German, might exist under other titles?).
      -“Cutting for Stone” by Abraham Varghese – haven’t met someone who didn’t like this book yet.
      -“Master and Margarita” by Mikhail Bulgakov. I like Bulgakov a lot in general, and there’s also a lot of historical interest in reading those too (a picture of early Soviet society – Russian Civil war and 20s).

      1. WellRed*

        I just finished Sharp Objects snd totally agree about thr extreme dysfunction. It distracts me from.the actual story.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Well, I didn’t like ‘Cutting For Stone.’ The main character was a rapist and incredibly ‘Nice Guy’ entitled.

  93. P. Fisher*

    Do you think my partner’s behavior was rude?

    At brunch, my partner had a paper cup of coffee brought from home. The host informed my partner that outside drinks could not be brought inside and offered to hold it at the host stand.

    Partner said in an exasperated tone, “Really? Wow, okay.”
    Host said, “Yeah…. sorry….”
    Partner said that they would bring the cup to the car and meet me inside.

    The host brought me to the table and I wasn’t sure if I should apologize for partner’s comment. I was cringing during their exchange. Should I have said something to the host?

    1. WellRed*

      Yes, your partner’s behavior was rude. I think, though, as long as you were otherwise polite to the host you’re good. Partner knows the request was probably due to some sort of licensing or legal issue, no?

      1. valentine*

        I take it he was exasperated rather than “Today I learned…” (Took it to the car? That must’ve been one great cup of coffee!)

        Some people would appreciate an apology from you, but I don’t want an aside. That creates a weird dynamic. I would’ve wanted you to tell him in the moment that he was being rude.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      Yeah, rude and also kind of – I dunno, silly? Clueless?

      I’ve never been anywhere for brunch that would be okay with someone bringing in coffee from elsewhere. That’s such an odd thing to expect or get testy about.

      But no, there’s no reason why you should apologize. He’s not your kid, you didn’t rear him.

    3. Anathema Device*

      Was this a restaurant? (Not sure if that’s what host means – I’m British and to me host means you’re at someone’s home.)

      If so then goodness yes, very rude and a bit strange to do, sorry.

    4. BRR*

      On the more mild side of rude. A) it’s super common to not be able to bring in outside food or drink and B) the hostess doesn’t make the rules. I would have apologized (and maybe said something to my partner right then and there if I thought of it) but there’s no need to beat yourself up over it.

    5. Jaid*

      Was that civet coffee at 99 bucks a pound?

      Otherwise your partner was being a jerk. A brunch place has it’s own coffee to serve. And you don’t need to apologize, you’re not responsible for his behavior.

    6. Melody Pond*

      Huh, I guess I’m gonna be in the minority here, judging by the replies above.

      Not rude. Not rude in the slightest. That sounds like a pretty normal and reasonable expression of annoyance (to me), and unless there’s more to it than what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like your partner took it out unfairly on the host. Your partner’s allowed to be annoyed about something inconvenient to them.

      For example, I only drink tea that I make at home, because I’m fussy about what goes in it (non-dairy milks and liquid stevia, plus I prefer green earl grey rather than black earl grey). I generally won’t drink tea that I can obtain at a restaurant, because it’s very likely that the restaurant won’t have the stuff I want to make it palatable for my tastes. Also, I would typically start working on a big hydroflask of tea first thing in the morning, because I want to start the caffeine getting into my system, but I might not be totally done with it by the time I got to a brunch restaurant. I would’ve been similarly annoyed if I’d been told something similar, and I probably would’ve expressed it very similarly.

      Expressing annoyance or exasperation to a serviceperson is not inherently rude, as long as you’re not doing it in a blame-y way. I get that it might be uncomfortable to witness, but that doesn’t mean it crosses over into rudeness. To cross over into rudeness, in my opinion, you’d need to do something like turn it into a personal attack on that one serviceperson, when they aren’t personally responsible for the policy – or swear or yell or scream at them, or otherwise try to abuse the fact that they have to treat you with a certain civility, when you don’t have as much obligation to do the same for them.

      Now if you don’t share your partner’s irritation, you’re also perfectly within your rights to feel embarrassed by the exchange. It sounds like that might have been the case, that you felt uncomfortable or embarrassed by the whole thing. And you’re within your rights to those feelings, just as much as your partner is within their rights to feel annoyed or exasperated.

      But I personally would not have said something to the host about it. You’re allowed to feel embarrassed, and acknowledge to yourself that you feel embarrassed, but if I were your partner, and I came back to you apologizing to the host, I would be extra-annoyed at thinking my partner didn’t support my right to be exasperated about something I found inconvenient. I wouldn’t begrudge you your own feelings of embarrassment at the situation, and so I wouldn’t expect you to verbally back me up or anything, but I would perceive you apologizing to the host as actively undermining me and my own experience of the situation. If I were your partner, and knew you were uncomfortable with the exchange, I would hope you would just say nothing to the host.

      That’s my take, anyway.

      1. Reba*

        I mean, it’s very okay to want things the way you want them, and to be annoyed if you can’t have it…. But it is not normal to expect to be able to take outside food into a restaurant. That’s not how they work (exceptions, cakes and byob places)!

        And no matter what the rule is that annoys you, I think it’s really not okay to take it out on the service worker!! The comment and flounce are not hugely problematic IMO, but yeah. No reason to snip at someone who hasn’t done anything to you.

        1. Melody Pond*

          The expectation about taking outside drink (not food) was not part of the OP’s question – the partner’s behavior was what was in question.

          And I’m with you – definitely not okay to take out one’s feelings on a service worker. I’m simply saying that the partner’s behavior here (as described by the OP) doesn’t cross that line.

          1. TL -*

            That was probably the fifth or tenth such interaction that host had that day, though. It is rude behavior simply because service people deal with such a large number of people that the non-rude option is minimizing unnecessarily frustrated or snarky comments.
            If it had been a friend, maybe not as rude. But to someone whose job is dealing with the public and who gave two perfectly reasonable options? It’s rude.

              1. WellRed*

                He didnt need to invoke the Carolyn Hax “wow” he could have simply apologized and taken the coffee away.

                1. Dan*

                  He may never have read Carolyn Hax and thus not known that some people under some circumstances attribute “wow” to mean “you have committed a social sin that words cannot describe.”

                  I would not have apologized, as there was no need.

      2. ThatGirl*

        It’s totally fine to prefer your own drink and methods, but would you expect to be able to bring it with you into a restaurant? Cause that’s not how any restaurants I’ve ever been to work.

        1. Melody Pond*

          I cited my own example only to show that I can theoretically empathize with the partner’s mindset and expectations. Given those expectations, the emotional reaction is reasonable, and the way that they expressed that reaction also seems perfectly reasonable to me.

          The OP didn’t ask whether the partner’s expectations were reasonable – the OP only asked if we think the partner’s behavior was rude. And I don’t.

          1. Anathema Device*

            Honestly, an emotional reaction over a paper cup of coffee isn’t that reasonable.

            1. Washi*

              Yeah, I feel like I’m now straying away from the question, but beyond the mild rudeness to the host, I just don’t enjoy being around people who instantly get grumpy when little things don’t go their way.

              1. And also...*

                I’d also be extremely concerned if my partner was so controlling that I wasn’t allowed to undermine them over their experience of having a tantrum about a paper cup.

              2. Lissa*

                YES this puts it perfectly! I feel like this sort of thing occasionally happens to everyone – you’re having a bad day, it’s just that one little thing that puts you over the edge, etc. But it’s tiresome to deal with someone who’s like this in general. I know there are people I don’t even want to go in public with because if something goes wrong even minorly it’s like it ruins their mood and even if it never goes past passive-aggressive sighing – it just makes the experience unpleasant.

      3. Anathema Device*

        Wow, no. It was rude. I thought there was an accepted social contract around not being rude to service staff. You sound like you don’t quite understand this.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yup. Some restaurants let you bring in your coffee, some don’t. Regardless, you don’t snap at the host or the server about it. That being said, it’s a pretty mild rudeness, so I’d let it go.

        2. Melody Pond*

          Again (starting to feel like a broken record, here) – I one hundred percent agree that it’s not acceptable to be rude to service staff. I’m simply disputing that a vocal expression of, “Really? Wow, okay.” crosses that line.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            It does when it’s said in an exasperated tone of voice, which OP clearly stated. Why get exasperated with the hostess? She doesn’t make the rules.

            I’m with Washi. People who get grumpy when things don’t go their way aren’t my idea of a good time. Too high-maintenance for me.

            1. Dan*

              Why get exasperated with front line customer service people who don’t have control over anything? Well, who is the right person to get exasperated with? For better or for worse, that’s the system.

              Management could give front line customer service people more autonomy to use discretion, but they’ve taken that away for the sake of the almighty dollar. What we’re left with is a system where everybody gets told no, and the person having to deliver the “no” isn’t in a position to do anything about it.

      4. Anathema Device*

        “but if I were your partner, and I came back to you apologizing to the host, I would be extra-annoyed at thinking my partner didn’t support my right to be exasperated about something I found inconvenient.”

        And that would be unreasonable and controlling.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Hm, we are not speaking the same language here. I think behavior can be controlling, but not feelings or emotions – it’s really important to separate the two, but I think many people often conflate them. People can experience an emotion internally and 1) not act on it, 2) act on it in a way that’s appropriate/reasonable, or 3) act on it in a way that’s inappropriate/unreasonable. One of my most fundamental beliefs about relationships and personal interactions is that people are always allowed to feel their feelings. It’s how they act on those feelings that can be constructive or destructive.

          Were you clear on the fact that I was describing only an emotion, and not implying any sort of behavior or action on that emotion? Or do you just not believe people are entitled to their feelings?

          1. Anathema Device*

            You wrote a post about how you would prefer your partner not to undermine your experience by saying anything and it sounded immensely controlling. The fact you’re even framing it in that way, whether you’re talking about actions or emotions, is not my idea of a healthy perspective. Sorry.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I’m also in the minority. Almost every brunch place that I’ve been in allows Starbucks cups. Frankly, I don’t know how they’d stay in business if they didn’t, especially the ones that don’t take reservations and have a line out the door on weekends. Imagine all those people lined up *with no coffee.*

      I’d be mildly surprised to be told I couldn’t bring my paper cup into a brunch restaurant. I wouldn’t huff about it, but “Really, wow okay” isn’t, like, explosive rage either.

      I also would NEVER apologize for my partner’s behavior. He’s an adult and we’re both autonomous people. I wouldn’t expect anyone to attribute his behavior to me, and I’m certainly not going to apologize for him as if I raised him wrong. I already have adult kids that I raised wrong, I don’t need another one.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Minority here too. And it sounds like it wasn’t even a branded cup, but a plain one brought from home. Let it go, a paper cup isn’t hurting anything, except possibly now that this person may choose another brunch establishment in the future where they don’t get nitpicked over their coffee.

      2. Dan*

        Add me to the minority. In partner’s shoes, I’d be mildly exasperated, and may express it on the spot. It sounds like that’s what partner did. It’s kind of natural behavior.

        One thing that drives me nuts with American aversion to directness is that sometimes offhand comments get blown up to mean way more than they really do, which seems like the case here. The dude was mildly exasperated and expressed it accordingly. I don’t see a problem here.

        1. Melody Pond*

          This is exactly how I feel about it – you expressed it much more succinctly than I did, and I especially agree with your note on the American aversion to directness.

          1. TL -*

            I’m a pretty direct person and I just don’t see the point of his statement. The house host can’t change the policy and is unlikely to pass on such petulant feedback. The husband could have just as easily complained to his wife (who could have told him to knock it off if he was annoying or rude; the host couldn’t do that) instead of the customer service person. All the husband did was take his frustration out on the person who had the least power in the situation. What point did that serve except to make him feel better at the expense of someone else?

            1. Dan*

              I think that’s reading way too much into what was said. I’ve been in situations where I verbally expressed a “WTF, really?” and really wasn’t expecting an actual response. Like, you know, you take your toothpaste through TSA at the airport 100 times and then the 101st time the guy says, “hey, that’s not allowed, I have to take to it.” Does one really think that arguing with the TSA guy is going to result in the outcome one wants? Does that mean saying, “WTF, really?” is inappropriate and crosses a line such that the statement should be apologized for? Not in my book. Part of dealing with the general public is learning how to take things in stride. The alleged statement we’re discussing here is well in line with that. Let me rephrase: Part of dealing with *life* is learning how to take things in stride.

              1. WellRed*

                But the poor person on the receiving end of yours and everyone else’s WTF every single day? Tough shit for them? They don’t make the rules. They can’t change the rules.

                1. Dan*

                  Pretty much. When one takes on a customer service job, one learns how to deliver customer service, and suck up the fact people have bad days.

                  I’ve spent years working in customer service roles, and when I can’t fix problems, what makes a difference is either acting like I care or making a legit effort to solve the problem to the best of my ability. “Them’s the rules, can’t do nuthin’, tough shit, call the 800 number” is the fastest way to get a mildly annoyed customer majorly P.O.d. It’s also a quick way to get fired, because it’s not good customer service.

              2. TassieTiger*

                Please don’t do that to service people. I’ve been in the situation where a customer says “really?” All looking at me. It puts me in a tough situation and I have to use time and energy to try to smooth it over. It really doesn’t matter if it was just a rhetorical question on their end-my job is to keep the customer satisfied and if they’re looking at me and expressing exasperation, I am expected to do something about it.

                1. Dan*

                  I spent years working in customer service positions, I know the drill. People who can’t handle the heat ought to get out of the kitchen.

                  I’ve had one of the worst jobs ever (which isn’t as bad as I make it sound): Working the lost luggage desk for an airline. Absolutely nobody who approaches you during your shift is happy to be standing right in front of you. You learn fast how to develop a tough skin and let stuff roll off your back.

                  People getting mad at the lost luggage desk crack me up:

                  1) The person you are speaking to did not lose your luggage.
                  2) The person you are speaking to can’t really do much on the spot.
                  3) The person you are speaking to needs to understand that people get frustrated, and the expression of frustration isn’t personal.

                  However, the upset people are taking their frustration out on the one person they can: A representative of the airline. It’s part of the deal.

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        The place I’m most likely to be waiting in line for brunch has a self-service coffee thing in the waiting area so you can get started on your coffee drinking while waiting for your table. That always struck me as a fairly good way to handle it, plus it means the people who feel that they need to drink at least x cups of coffee with their morning food can be cycled through tables faster since they got started on that project before they were seated. (I am not criticizing those people! I have a tendency that way myself, particularly if I am eating an early breakfast at a diner while at a convention and am trying to get my brain working before I go to a panel.)

        I’ve found that, at least around here, a lot of the places with wait times will let you order a beverage while you wait. It’s worth asking if you think it’ll be a while and have a beverage in mind.

        I haven’t tried bringing outside paper cup coffee to places, but I do occasionally have a travel mug or water bottle with me (particularly, again, at conventions). I just try not to have it out on the table rather than with my general bag o’ stuff, although if they’re doing a terrible job with water refills I will start drinking my own water.

        The actual etiquette of this situation seems so tone-dependent on the part of both the host and the partner that I wouldn’t want to venture an opinion without hearing the exchange. Neither of the things said were things that are impossible to say in a reasonable tone, but they’re also not things that are impossible to say in an unreasonable tone, if that makes sense.

    8. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t think you owe an apology to the host. I wouldn’t say the comment comes off as rude necessarily. More like childish, I guess. I’m not sure if that’s the right word. But taking the situation as a whole, it seems kind of clueless on his part to expect to be able to go into a restaurant with his own drink. Maybe it varies by establishment, region, etc., but I’ve never come across a restaurant that would be OK with outside food or beverages being brought in.

      1. Anathema Device*

        Maybe this is a regional thing. In England this would come across immensely badly.

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          Midwest US here…

          The grubby fast food places here, have 8 x 12 inch signs saying, “No outside food/drink”, that includes Starbucks, and they get aggressive about it. Like yell from the counter calling you out.

          So..what’s normal for the area? Here, the managers have no problem telling you to take it back outside. They say it’s health department rules.

          It’s one thing to ask politely about, “Can my grown cousin, who is on the spectrum, pour his expensive Starbucks latte into a glass, so I don’t have a huge blow up in nanoseconds.”, than Joe Average rolling in with a drink from anywhere and getting pissy about it.

          Where I live, Average Joe rolling in with his Smores venti latte at a true sit down restaurant is considered tacky AF, and will be called out. My local Burger King will yell at you the minute they see it in your hand.

          You’ll get treated like garbage people. It’s the equivalent of bring a trash bag of popcorn into the place.

          Personally, as long as it’s a non branded cup, who cares. I wouldn’t say anything to the hostess, because around here, you’d be dealing with the manager.

          Various places in Ontario, Canada was the same deal. Unless you are getting carry out, you don’t bring in outside food/drink to a accompany the other items.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I’ve never seen someone yelled at for bringing something in from outside; however, most people around here know that restaurants and venues don’t allow it so they don’t typically try. Some places have signs posted while other’s don’t, but it’s an unspoken rule that you don’t do it.

    9. Rebecca H*

      Yes, it was rude. And petulantly childish. Taking it to the car? That’s making a big fuss out of it to make a point, inconveniencing everyone.

      I would have said something to the host, just to smooth things over, but I don’t think you were obligated to. Your partner ought to have apologised, though. I’d be embarrassed and annoyed by someone choosing to behave that way, and however he felt it is not an excuse for taking it out on someone working a service job who doesn’t set the policy.

      1. Dan*

        Either a $0.99 paper cup of coffee is no big deal or it isn’t. In the moment, I’m less likely to throw it out than I am to take it to my car.

        Whenever I’m in a position where I may have to “enforce” some sort of policy with a customer, whether I enforce said policy all depends on how much I want to deal with a pissy customer vs my boss for not following policy. There’s usually a little leeway, and if my boss isn’t going to care, then I’d tend to err on the side of not irritating the customer.

        As far as “everybody knows the rules” goes, everybody also knows that some rules are less enforced than others.

      2. Ann O.*

        Taking it to the car doesn’t seem childish or making a big fuss about it. I would never leave a drink unattended at a host’s station. They have a lot to do, and it’s not really their responsibility. So for me, it would be either throw the coffee out or bring it to the car. I’ve had to leave restaurants to get something or put something in the car for a variety of reasons. It’s not a big deal.

        I feel like we’re in this weird place right now where very ordinary conflict is getting framed as some kind of huge thing. The partner expressed pretty mild annoyance and then dealt with the issue. That isn’t an aggressive action at the host or really making a big fuss or even really inconveniencing anyone. There’s no reason anyone should have thought about the interaction once it was done.

    10. Maya Elena*

      Not enough to comment or apologize for sure. I think the chance of the comment ruining the server’s day or something is very small. The server probably deals with much worse throughout their shift, and is not likely to register this beyond the initial interaction; and often if you’re the kind of person who is very sensitive to the unspoken subtleties underlying interactions, we are disproportionately affected by what seems like rudeness, and might project it on other people. I’m definitely often guilty of this, but luckily not everyone is like that (or the world would be a really hard place to navigate….)

  94. Lilysparrow*

    I discovered the hard way yesterday that hornets are trying to build a nest in our carport.

    Lucky for me, they’d just started and there weren’t many. I only got stung twice.

    The one on my finger hurt like tarnation for about fifteen minutes. Like, hopping around and yelling, scrambling for ice, the works.

    The one on my stomach (right through my shirt) was just a brief prick, I thought it was a thorn from the shrubbery at first.

    But the finger sting was gone by dinner time. And the one on my belly is red and itchy and hugely swollen. The welt is about 4 inches across now. Blech.

    Things are really backwards sometimes.

  95. HannahS*

    If I’m invited to a Jack and Jill party, does that mean I’m likely invited to the wedding? J+J’s are a type of party I hadn’t heard of before. It’s for someone I’m not close with anymore, but we were friends at a phase of life that I think she found difficult; I’d be happy to show up as “person from the past who supports your happy present and future.” But if it’s a “every-friend-on-Facebook please donate to our wedding” with potentially no invite to the wedding itself, I’ll pass. Thoughts?

    1. Alex*

      I think “Jack and Jill” is just the name for a wedding shower where they include men as well. So, it’s a wedding shower.

      It is tacky to invite people to the wedding shower who are not invited to the wedding…but some people are tacky.

      1. HannahS*

        No, in this case they’re selling tickets. There will be some raffles (and food and games, like a shower), but it seems more like a fundraiser in a lot of ways.

        2. Curly sue*

          Sounds like the same thing as a ‘stag and doe’ – literally a fundraiser party for the wedding / honeymoon. A wedding invitation isn’t a given, no. I’ve only been to a couple of them, but those were definitely separate community events. I had no choice (relatives), but in your case I’d probably send a card and not bother otherwise.

        5. MatKnifeNinja*

          Tickets?

          HARD PASS.

          I thought I heard everything when couples put up beg sites for honeymoon funding and put the QR code on the invites.

          I guess the couple is from the “You don’t ask, you don’t get school.”

          Nope nope nope…

          Card and a gift card sent snail mail from me.

        6. Valancy Snaith*

          I wonder if people are missing the context here. In a lot of small communities in Canada, stag and does (or Jack and Jills) are legitimate community events. Yes, they’re to raise money for a wedding, but people go who don’t necessarily know the couple very well at all. The couple either buys gifts to raffle off or gets them donated by friends and family, they sell tickets and run a bar, that kind of thing. It’s not a wedding shower (gifts are not given or expected, at least at any one I’ve ever been to), it’s more like a party at a Legion or a hall that happens to have a cover charge as a fundraiser. It’s a real small-town kind of thing.

          But I wouldn’t necessarily expect a wedding invite after a stag and doe, no.

          1. Lissa*

            Yup came here to post this! It’s fine if you don’t want to go, but it’s not a horrifying faux pas like some people above seem to think. The couple isn’t doing anything wrong. Again no need to go but also no need to be shocked and appalled. :)

            1. roisin54*

              Stag parties are still very much a thing where I’m from (Western Massachusetts) so I don’t get the horrified reactions either. My dad went to tons of these and was never invited to the subsequent weddings. In his case he’d be invited by the father of either the bride or groom, it was either held at a dive bar or the Itam Lodge, and there’d be a buffet and a raffle. The money went towards the couple, usually to help them set up a new household. It’s basically how the community supports young married couples without a lot of money.

          2. HannahS*

            Thanks, that’s really, really helpful! I’m convinced that’s what this is (down to being hosted at a Legion). The bride and I grew up in a big city, so I guess that’s why I’ve never seen it before.

          3. WellRed*

            Omg. Just, skip the fancy wedding if you can’t afford it. Don’t fundraise it. I am not in Canada. This is obvi a local know your area thing but it’s not a thing in New England. At all. Thank god.

            1. Valancy Snaith*

              I’m sorry people in different areas have different traditions that offend you? Being judgmental and rude about other people’s habits and traditions isn’t a thing in my part of the world. At all. Thank God!

    2. Occasional Baker*

      Locally, in my area of the Northeast, a J&J seems to most often be some crossover between engagement party and … fund raiser is the best term, I guess. No gifts, because they want your dollars. Theres usually a bridal shower later. Raffle tables, 50/50, food, cash bar. I’d say more like your second description. …. though to be fair, I suppose some J&Js may not be like this.
      I don’t like them. I don’t believe in crowd funding a wedding.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I would skip it. The “please donate” aspect of a Jack & Jill annoys me enough to make me skip it if I am invited to the wedding. I also get annoyed at the type of gathering where you’re invited because you didn’t get invited to the wedding. Acquaintances of ours had a small local wedding and we didn’t make the cut and that was perfectly fine by me– we’re not good friends– but I got invited to a toast-the-bride event (I didn’t bring a gift, a bunch of people did) and then to a party the couple decided to hold for all of the people they couldn’t invite to the actual wedding. Nope.

      Anyway, that’s all to say that you don’t have to go, even if you are invited to the wedding. Send her a personalized note wishing her well and skip it, unless you want to go.

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      Wedding invitations have probably already been sent. If you haven’t gotten one, you aren’t invited.

  96. Lady Jay*

    Driving in the Northeast corridor (US): yea or neigh?

    I’ve got a thing in Baltimore this summer. I’m not a huge fan of flying (time crunch/uncertainties re. weather, delays, etc. always stresses me out.) It’s eight hours to drive to Balt. & I have someone who’d be along for the ride. But I’m told driving in that area of the country is pretty awful: congested, dangerous, also stressful. Recommendations?

    1. Reba*

      Don’t know where you’re coming from, but is train an option?

      Driving is, well, driving, I mean often it’s terrible but sometimes not. Consider whether your thing is on weekend/weekday or near a holiday, and plan your travel/stops to not be near cities around rush hour. I wouldn’t hesitate, but I suppose I’m used to it.

      1. Washi*

        Yeah, I’m from DC and if I’m heading north, I’ll take the train rather than drive. (Not sure about south, have never gone in that direction!) It is so much more pleasant and only a little slower.

      2. The Grammarian*

        Yes, Amtrak has routes that connect many states along the Atlantic coast. It’s probably easier to take a train. I took a train from Charleston, SC to Metropark/Iselin, NJ once.

    2. university minion*

      It’s not a big deal.
      If you’re driving in, time your trip to get in after the evening commute and you’ll be fine. I live in Florida and it’s exactly 12 hours from my house to Richmond, then 3 hours from Richmond to Baltimore. I can just about set my watch by it and plan my trips accordingly.
      Every major metro has its quirks. The lanes on the I-10/95 interchange move every 6 months it seems in Jacksonville. Atlanta is the Watermelon-500 much of the time. I-10 at Wildwood alternately uneventful or a scene from Mad Max. There’s no in-between and you never actually know until you’re there, so you might as well be chill about it. I find it rather amusing that I-10 in Phoenix and I-10 in Tallahassee are basically the same.
      The secret to DC (or getting past DC) is to know what lane you need to be in (ATL is the same way) and when you need to get in it. This is easier now that the various navigation aids are pretty good. It was not so fun in the era of paper maps.
      I can’t speak to the in-town portion of your trip. I’m a master of the interstates, but haven’t gotten on a surface road in DC in quite a few years.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      It depends which direction you’re coming from. Coming up from the south is nasty. Coming down from the north, you might as well hike it. It will be quicker and far more pleasant. (Hyperbole, obvs. But I am not doing that trip anymore, for any money, for any reason.)

    4. Alex*

      There’s tons of train service along the east coast–I’d probably go for that. Driving around Baltimore/DC sucks.

    5. Overeducated*

      I don’t think it’s that bad. Yes, it can be congested, so leave some slack in your schedule. (I used to drive from points north to Baltimore in six to seven hours and back in nine or ten…the only difference was traffic around New York.) But I don’t feel it is more dangerous and stressful than anywhere else if you aren’t in a rush. Amtrak is more pleasant, for sure, but can be more expensive and not necessarily faster if you have to take a lot of time to get to stations on each end.

      1. Overeducated*

        Oh! You didn’t say if it was all on 95 or other routes. 95 is what I’m talking about, more inland routes (from eg Ohio, P.A., central NY) are much better.

    6. Dan*

      Dangerous is a stretch, but in metro DC, “congested” and “stressful” are usually accurate. You’re not specific about where you are coming from or where exactly you will be driving, but since “NE Corridor” pretty much covers DC to Boston and you write “I’m told…” I’m guessing you’re not coming from Boston or that direction.

      DC/Baltimore traffic headaches are all about timing. This area isn’t a 24/7 parking lot, but certain major arteries during rush hour? Forget it.

    7. Nana*

      Can you take Bolt or Megabus? Center-city to center-city and MUCH cheaper than the train.

  97. PhyllisB*

    Any pastry chefs on here? Not necessarily professionals, though that would be great, I just mean someone who bakes a lot. My question is: Does it make much difference if you use all-purpose flour vs. cake flour? I know you add two tablespoons extra per cup with cake flour, but anything else I should know? I just made two different from scratch cakes with cake flour, and they seemed a bit dry to me. Of course, I realize scratch cakes and mixes look different.
    Also the batter tasted salty to me. (I know you aren’t supposed to eat raw cake batter, but I always take a teeny lick to make sure it tastes right when I do from scratch.) Both recipes called for 1 teaspoon of salt, and not thinking, I added it. But that seems like too much to me. I started looking at my other cake recipes, and they all call for half teaspoon of salt. If I use these recipes again, would it be okay to cut the salt down?

    1. ThatGirl*

      You can sub AP flour for cake flour by adding cornstarch (I think it’s 2 tbsp per cup and then that much less AP flour). I’m confused as to whether that’s what you did?

      It’s ok to cut the salt a little but you don’t want to remove it. 1 tsp isn’t much for 4-5 cups of batter.

    2. HannahS*

      Cake flour has a lower protein content than AP flour. It’s recommended because you get a lighter texture in the finished cake; it interacts differently with the other ingredients. I don’t bother, and just use regular unbleached all-purpose. If I was making an angel food cake for my grandmother, I’d maybe go for cake flour, but other than that, I don’t bother.

    3. BRR*

      I’d probably go for a recipe that was developed with cake flour instead of substituting. I know flours can absorb liquids differently. I would also recommend a kitchen scale. Now that I bake with one I can’t go back. Have you used this recipe before? It sounds like it might not be that great if the cake is dry and salty.

    4. Not A Manager*

      One teaspoon of salt seems like a lot for a normal cake, but I find that American baking is leaning more toward salty these days and I don’t actually *hate* it. Sometimes it’s good. If I’m dubious about something in a recipe, I’ll google other similar ones and compare. Sometimes I’ll combine bits of different recipes if I know what I’m aiming for.

      In terms of the flours, cake flour is lower protein and therefore (? I think, I’m not a food scientist) creates less gluten. I’m not a big fan of substituting flours, so I’ll use bread flour/AP flour/cake flour as called for. That said, I do think you’re pretty safe just substituting cake flour into a recipe that calls for AP flour 1:1. If your cakes seemed dry, it might be because you added a bunch of extra flour when you substituted the cake flour. Next time, if your recipe calls for AP flour and you want to use cake flour, try using the same amount as called for.

      I completely agree with using a scale. I will only weigh now for any baking project. My only caveat is be careful with American recipes that put the weights in parentheses. Too often the weights have just been subbed in and they are WILDLY off-base. For recipes like that, just measure.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I keep a conversion chart in my kitchen that lists volume to weight measurements for a bunch of common ingredients and just do the math (that is, ask Alexa or Siri to do the math for me).

    5. WS*

      If there’s a dominant chocolate or caramel flavour, that’s probably an okay amount of salt for me, but otherwise half a teaspoon at most.

    6. CoffeeforLife*

      What kind of salt did you use? I find that regular table salt is “too salty” plus I don’t like the iodine flavor. Different salts have different volumes (because of their shape/structure) and can be drastically different in taste and “saltiness.” I have started using Celtic sea salt for my and love the flavor! Also a huge fan of Red Diamond kosher salt.

    7. Book Lover*

      I don’t adjust quantities for different types of flour but usually do try to use what the recipe calls for. I typically just do a pinch of salt, but we don’t use a lot of salt normally so don’t need much.

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiserhav*

      Did it have butter in it? Because salted vs unsalted butter contributes as well. The thing about baking is that it is very precise… the answers above are all so true. I like Rose Levy Birnbaum’s “The cake bible” because she goes into the science of baking (there is a lot more chemistry than you’d think).

      1. fposte*

        Love Rose Levy Beranbaum! And if she says put in a teaspoon of salt, you really have to put in a teaspoon of salt.

        However, Phyllis, in my experience not all cookbook authors or bloggers are so reliable, so it’s possible it’s wrong (that’s especially likely when they trim recipes down or translate them from metric). However, I don’t switch between cake flour and all-purpose flour–if I’m going to take the trouble to make a cake, I want it to be the best it can be.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes! I have the Cake Bible and I love it. I’m not a hardcore cake-baker, but her book is the go-to when I want to make a cake. And making a cake from scratch isn’t difficult at all–it’s all about measuring precisely and following the recipe.

    9. Lora*

      Different brands of salt actually have a different dry density. It has to do with how it’s crystallized/purified – Morton has much more salt per teaspoon by weight than other brands, so if you used Morton as opposed to Diamond Crystal it will definitely taste saltier.

    10. PhyllisB*

      Thanks for all the replies. It’s late so hope y’all see my answer. I usually do use AP flour, but was under the impression that cake flour made a better cake so…actually I usually use cake mixes and make my own frostings, but was wanting to get my Martha on because I found two recipes that intrigued me. The first one was a cake with lemon curd filling and lemon buttercream frosting. The second was a copycat recipe for a banana cake with banana buttercream that used to be put out by Sara Lee. (It was in the freezer section.)
      Anyway, the directions on the bag of cake flour said when using cake flour in the place of AP to add two extra tablespoons of flour for each cup of flour called for in the recipe. Actually, they turned out pretty well. I haven’t tried the lemon cake; it was a birthday cake for someone else; but it’s been reported back to me that it was scrumptious. I think frosting it and letting sit overnight helped a lot. Also good point about using salted butter. I did that, so that didn’t help Will definitely use unsalted next time . Also, as someone pointed out, maybe these recipes weren’t very good. That might be; I saw one on Facebook and the other from a recipe website. The banana cake I kept and is pretty good, but it does taste a bit salty to me. My husband tells me my taster is off, that it’s fine; but I really don’t trust either one of us on this. I don’t use a lot of salt, and he could add salt to his salt and be happy. I know not to leave it out entirely. Baking is a science, after all. Having perused my cake cookbooks I have found similar recipes that look like they will work better. Thanks to everyone for their comments and advice!!

  98. The Other Dawn*

    Gardening question: can I plant corn in a former flower garden this year and then replant the flower garden next year without issue? I mean, I know corn isn’t a perennial, but I’m wondering if it will affect the soil.

    We demolished the old flower garden last month and I don’t plan to replant until next year, when I’ve had time to thoughtfully plan out what I want to plant. In the meantime, my husband decided “Let’s grow some corn!” He sees me doing well with my two raised beds and now wants to grow more veggies. Well, *I* will grow more veggies. Although he wants to build me another raised bed to accommodate that, so that’s a win for me! I don’t want to put corn in the beds so I thought we could use the now-empty flower garden since it gets 10+ hours of sun per day.

    This year I decided to try carrots and those are doing good. I bought seeds for green beans, corn, scallions and radishes. I also want to try cucumbers, but I’ll need to do that in a container and trellis them. With only two of us I only want maybe two plants.

    1. GoryDetails*

      “Gardening question: can I plant corn in a former flower garden this year and then replant the flower garden next year without issue? I mean, I know corn isn’t a perennial, but I’m wondering if it will affect the soil.”

      Corn is a heavy feeder, so you not only need to fertilize it heavily but will have to make sure to add fertilizer before replanting the area. But that’s the only thing I’d worry about. (Well, if you have raccoons in your area you’ll need to protect the corn, assuming you want to have any to eat, but that’s another matter!) I grew corn one year just to see if I could do it, and did get a few ears, but there are so many farms in my area that raise the stuff and put it out on farmstands for VERY low prices in-season that it wasn’t worth the trouble to do again. But it was fun to see the stalks shooting skyward…

    2. fposte*

      It’s late to put corn in–that’s why there’s all that palaver about ruined crop yields in the midwest this year, because it’s too late to put corn in–so you might want to look for an early-maturing variety. Corn also needs to be close enough to wind-pollinate so you want to plant a bunch close together, not just in a row, but it sounds like that might already be in the plan.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, I was thinking it might be late based on the “days to harvest” listed on the seed packet; however, I saw the local Home Depot actually had corn plants this year. I’ve never seen corn there before, so maybe I’ll grab some of those and save the seeds for next year in a different part of the yard. As far as rows, I was thinking maybe three rows of 10, but if I buy the plants then I’ll do less since that would get expensive and defeat the purpose. The garden is 20 x 25 and it’s a total blank slate right now, so there’s nothing to plant around.

        1. fposte*

          If you do fewer than that, don’t do fewer rows, though–your best result is probably planting them in a block. I usually see 15-16 as the recommended minimum number for corn plants to get pollination, and you could do a 3×5 arrangement or 4×4 arrangement.

  99. Daughter*

    I have a heavy heart this morning. Really deeply missing my father. It was our holiday this week and I went through hoops to take the day off. Only to end up doing nothing. Took my mother to the bank then grocery shopping halfway where I turned around and took her home bc we fought. We did end up doing groceries yesterday and we fought again.

    I’ll spare the details but just feeling really bad. That things have fallen so badly apart after my dads death. No relatives visited or called. My mother was always very difficult to be around and more so now. She’s always hated me I think. I was never good enough no matter how hard I tried. So now I don’t try, and she’s still nasty. even if I forget everything she’s ever said and did up until right now, I have a difficult time being around her. I feel horribly guilty for that.

    No one here is willing to go to therapy/counseling; I am but for myself and I’m still on the fence.

    I can’t share my feelings with anyone for various reasons. So just venting here.

    1. pharmacat*

      I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds very painful. I hope you are able to hold onto some memories of happier times.

    2. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this situation with a difficult parent.
      My best suggestion is to find friends who are like family to you. Don’t feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with your mother if she is mean to you. :(

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Just wanted to send a hug, and encourage you to go ahead and do the therapy for you. Different situation, but I’ve now lost my father, my grandmother, my beloved brother, and my husband. Therapy has helped me deal (even when “I” don’t realize I am making progress). I can’t change my relatives, I can’t change others reactions to me, but I have someone in my court helping me – even incrementally – learn to deal with my own feelings. Grief was added to a dysfunctional family / self dynamic, in my case. After my brother, I also went to a grief group (I needed to not feel so alone, and especially around the reason for his death). Sending virtual sympathy.

      1. Reba*

        Yes also to therapy! I know this is a really long road for you. Even if everything were hunky dory at home, grief still packs a wallop. Since you feel like you don’t have anyone to really talk to about this, I think therapy would be a great place to find a sympathetic, but neutral, ear. Sorry you’re feeling lonely.

        I know this doesn’t sound great, but I think “not trying” is actually great progress for what you’re dealing with wrt to your mom!

        1. Texan In Exile*

          Yes also to therapy and perhaps to a grief support group. I attended both after my dad died and they were so helpful.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry for your loss. I can tell how deeply you feel it.

      I think you’ve posted before about a troubled relationship with your mother. Maybe I’m mistaking you for someone else. Why are you on the fence about therapy? You’re longing to share your feelings with someone, and you feel that in your current situation you can’t do that. Find someone who is solely and completely on Team You. You deserve to have a place where you can safely talk about everything that you’re feeling.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Move over and I will sit and cry along with you, this is all very sad.

      You have several sadnesses running concurrently. You lost your dad and it seems that your mom has no room in her heart for you, two griefs going on here: lost dad and for different reasons, lost mom.

      I hope you take the time to grieve on your own. You mom is not able to help you with your grief and she won’t let you help her with her grief.

      A little trick I have found helpful when trying something new, is to just go one time before deciding to go more times. So like with a new doc, go the first time just to see what the doc and office is like. Once I get back from that appointment then I decide if I will go again. But I get through the first appointment before making any longer term decisions.
      You might find this approach useful in considering therapy. Perhaps it is easier to commit to going to just one appointment and then figuring out your next steps once you get home from that appointment.

    6. WellRed*

      Sympathy! Please go to therapy. It can be immensely helpful even if it’s just for you.

  100. foolofgrace*

    Reading suggestion (couldn’t find a Reply box at the thread): Anything by Carl Hiassen, especially his early works. Funny with good plot lines.

  101. Kali*

    Ugh, not a good week. My BF and I were staying at his mother’s for the weekend, celebrating the end of exams, when he gets a call from his flatmate telling him his motorbike’s been stolen. He lives in a rough area of Manchester (UK), and it’s been stolen before, but, luckily, that time someone spotted it in a carpark nearby. Apparently that’s a thing thieves do – leave it in a public carpark for a few days, just in case it has GPS tracking on it, so if it’s found, it can’t be linked to the thieves. So, poor BF is traipsing his local area, hoping to spot it, but there are lots of little carparking spaces around. We don’t even know if it was put into a van and driven somewhere, or if it was wheeled or ridden away. The former would have required more manpower, but the latter would have taken a lot more time to get all the locks off. There is CCTV, but the police won’t approach the landlord for it, and the landlord won’t be able to check it until Monday, for some reason. At least seeing the CCTV would narrow down the van vs on foot question, and maybe give us a direction that it might have gone in.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am sorry he got his bike ripped off.

      My husband used to jam business cards in the hollow tubes of the bike frame, so if it ever got stolen and altered he might still be able to prove it was his.

      Does your bf have a good chain and lock for it? At one apartment, my husband chained his bike to a tree.
      OTH, gps might be a good investment also.

      I hope you guys find the bike.

  102. Ali G*

    Opinions on online mattress brands? We will be buying a new mattress in the next few months (upgrading to a king – woo!!), and we definitely want to order one online since it has to go up 2 flights of stairs.
    Does anyone have experience/opinions on the various options?
    Casper – my brother has one and loves it, but had a lot of problems with delivery/customer service
    Purple?
    Leesa?
    Others?

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I’ve purchased 2 Zinus mattress on Amazon and I have to say pass on those. We put one in the guest room but probably going to switch back to a coil mattress.

      Our local Costco has Casper mattresses right now and at a great price, maybe check that option.

    2. BRR*

      I’ve had a purple for two (?) years and love it. It’s somehow both soft and firm at the same time. I love how it limits motion transfer as my husband can be a restless sleeper. I will say FedEx left it at the bottom of the stairs, I’m on the second floor, which apparently goes against their own policy. The only real downside I would say is moving it to shampoo the carpet in the bedroom since it’s basically a big, heavy blob with no structure to lean against a wall. But it’s every bit as good as when I got it.

      If you have a West Elm near you, you can try the Leesa.

    3. Reba*

      We have an all-latex mattress that we got from Spindle. I think I’ve gushed about it here before. I LOVE IT. We preferred to get natural latex vs the polyfoams used in the other guys. (Casper used to have a combo of latex and poly but is now all various poly.) It can sometimes feel hot. Latex should last more or less forever, and I like the cushy-bouncy feel.

      If you have never slept on memory foam I think you should make an effort to try one out, maybe your brother’s? Some people like it, some loathe it. I think it feels creepy personally!

      Another consideration is how often you move… these things are very heavy and unlike conventional mattresses, they are not rigid. So you’ll be dealing with a hundred-pound, very broad, very floppy object. Our mattress totally defeated a mattress moving box, so in our upcoming move we’ll be trying a rolled up method.

      1. Madge*

        The other thing about these mattresses is they do not have firm edges. You have to relearn how to sit on the edge of your bed without sliding off.

        We have the firmest mattress that comes pulled-up from IKEA and love it. But you’ll have to carry it up the stairs yourself.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I feel like I’m in a wrestling match with the mattress when I change my daughter’s (full-size Casper) sheets, as it’s not rigid.

          That being said, she likes it, and my parents and brother and sister-in-law found it comfortable. (We don’t have a guest room, so my daughter’s bed is the guest bed.)

    4. Penguin*

      I’ve been happy with my Tuft & Needle, and delivery and everything went smoothly for whatever that’s worth.

    5. Aphrodite*

      I bought my last one from Charles P. Rogers, an old-time American firm, and they delivered. They do not, however, set up nor do they take your old bed away. (I considered this latter point a bonus; no old mattress in the van= no potential bedbugs to get into your new one.)

      Here’s a good site where you can do some research: https://www.themattressunderground.com/

    6. Red Sky*

      I really like Tuft & Needle, free shipping and returns with a 100-day testing period for their money back guarantee. We’ve only tried the T&N Original mattress, but we loved our first one so much we bought another for the guest room. I hear the T&N Mint upgrade is worth it if you sleep hot. Also, they now sell the T&N Original on Amazon with the same terms/money back guarantee.

      It did take a few weeks to adjust to sleeping on a foam mattress, but now I can’t see ever going back.

    7. LCL*

      Just keep in mind those foam mattress are really heavy. I got a queen sized one for the futon, some unknown brand name sold at the futon store. It was a job getting it out of my truck and into the house. It’s comfy though.

    8. Alex*

      I recently bought a Saatva mattress. I was pleased, but not over the moon, with the mattress. The delivery went perfectly fine, and I have a long driveway into which they couldn’t pull in, and also a flight of outdoor stairs, and a very tight flight of indoor stairs.

      The mattress is fine. Not sure it will really hold up for ten years though.

    9. Nacho*

      Buy in the store and get them to deliver. It might be more expensive, but a mattress is something you really need to try out before buying.

    10. Lilysparrow*

      We bought a Nectar and are very happy with it. We got the firmest option, and it is like a brick when you first lie down, but then it yields as your body heat was it. It helped our backs immensely.

      We liked that it had a very long return period, and it has reinforced edges so it doesn’t buckle at the sides if you sit on or sleep close to the edge.

  103. MOAS*

    Question for the those who do this- how do you keep track of groceries & household goods?
    We buy a lot of spices rice flour etc that have a shelf life of a few months. Or sometimes we forget what we have at home. Any apps etc I can use?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’m don’t use apps a lot, so for me it’s analog solutions.

      *I buy small enough quantities that I’m likely to finish them before the “use by” date.
      *I check the expiration date before I purchase, and look at the back of the stocked shelf for the later dates.
      *I check online to see how long is actually okay to keep something, and what the risks are to using it stale. Something like white rice or white flour, for example, will really last for an extremely long time with MAYBE a slight stale taste when you use it after several years. Ground whole grains, by contrast, can get rancid due to the presence of the germ.
      *I write on the package or on my own container, the “use by” date in sharpie where I can easily see it. That’s my own use by date, not necessarily the one stamped on the package.
      *I keep fragile items, such as ground whole grains, in the freezer instead of in my cupboard.
      *For something like canned goods, I try to take a look at the exp. date before I chose one of several from the cabinet, and use the one that will expire soonest.

    2. BRR*

      I would use either whatever app you use for notes and make a list or take a piece of masking tape and write when bought/open them.

    3. Madge*

      I have a sharpie and a grease pencil on the fridge and I use these to mark dates on things like leftovers and condiments. I’ll also use masking tape and write on that. I try not to buy supplies unless I have a plan for them or I know I’ll use them up within 3-4 months. I’ve been cooking long enough that I know what I tend to make and need for that. And every so so often I go through the pantry to see what’s been there a while and make a plan for it. I get meat in bulk about 3 times a year and will mark anything that’s already in the freezer so I know what to use first. I also keep a freezer inventory on the door, but I’m not so good about marking things off. I keep a list of perishables on the fridge and cross things off as I use them. Spices fade instead of go bad. I buy in bulk according to how fast I use them and otherwise don’t worry about marking the containers.

    4. Bluewall*

      Good responses already; I also buy from the bulk bins so I keep just a small amount if items on hand. I also try to work through what I have in my pantry. I could do better, especially with spices!

    5. Lilysparrow*

      We keep a list going on the fridge and add things when we have less than a week’s worth, or if it’s used infrequently, less than one use left.

      If I’m planning to bake or make something unusual, I check the pantry while making my final shopping list.

      For things like canned goods, I try to put the fresh ones behind the older ones on the shelf.

      We still wind up with some duplication, some spoilage, and some last-minute grocery runs. But on the whole, I’d rather run out of something than throw stuff away, so if in doubt I don’t buy.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I start a fresh list right when I get home from doing the week’s shopping. I am more apt to notice other things getting low and I can add them to next week’s list. I also add anything that I could not get this week.

      During the week if I am hurrying, I will leave an empty bottle or wrapper on my placemat to remind myself to write it down when I get a chance.

      Spices can be tricky. An organizer might be of some help in cutting waste. There are little shelves that look like steps and there are also shelves that can be attached to the inside of a cupboard door.

      This is going to sound like I am a rigid person, I put my herbs and spices in alphabetical order. And the reason is I was wasting too much money buying things we already had. At that point I was trying to buy organic and using the bulk bins to get what I would use for a period of time. I had too much duplication, so organizing was my solution. When I started to run low on cinnamon or other frequently used item, it went on the shopping list posted on the fridge.

      For things like flours and rices your solution might be to buy for a shorter time range, say monthly or every two months and check all the flours you have to see what you may need. My assortment of flours got out of hand, too, so my solution there was to write down each one as it ran out then double check all of them periodically.

      I hate saying this but it is helpful to clean the cupboards once a year. It’s surprising what is in there. I found a measuring spoon last week. Usually I clean in the winter when life slows down a tad and moving around helps me to feel better.

      For me my solution was to spend more time writing an accurate list of what I needed for the week. I also did more meal planning that I wanted to do.

  104. Call me St. Vincent*

    We have a well with a Culligan system. We have to replace our water softener. One of the options offered to us was to get a uv filter that will kill bacteria. It sounds amazing but it’s $1100. People who have wells or know about water systems, what are your thoughts? My thinking is that it is a “great but not necessary” add on, but I also feel that it’s our water supply so that is very important. Seems super pricey though.

    1. Alex*

      My parents have well water, and about maybe 20(?) years ago, it was suddenly and permanently contaminated with bacteria and they had to get one of those things (after months of going without being able to drink their tap water).

      Just something to think about.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      We got a UV system for our well when we moved in a few years ago. We’d never had well water before and didn’t realize it could get contaminated. I think ours was about 700.00 and my husband installed it himself. We have to change the UV lamp every year, which I think runs around 149.00 to order online. I prefer to have the filter, as it gives me immense comfort that my water is safe to drink. That and testing it every year or two to make sure.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Interesting! The Culligan system was already installed when we bought the house and everything with them is proprietary. So boo for it being 400 more for the name!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I have a Culligan system, it’s my second one but I have been in this house for close to 30 years.

          I do like the system, but it is spendy. If you talk to reputable plumbers in your area they may tell you who to go to for a less expensive system.

          I’d suggest talking to a plumber anyway and finding out if you can add on to your system with another brand.
          OR, check to see how old the system is. I had my previous system for 17 years, that was really pushing it. If your system is old enough to consider replacing it might be good to do the whole thing at once and use a different, but recommended brand.

          As an aside, you can get salt at a Lowe’s or a Home Depot for much less than Culligan, if you have not checked this out yet. You probably need the crystals, not the pellets but check first. I have also found that if I buy broken bags I save even more money.

          1. Call me St. Vincent*

            Thanks I get my salt at the local Hardware store and sometimes Walmart! The issue is that the previous owner replaced some of the pieces (like the neutralizer) so it’s only a few years old. Not really a good option for replacing everything as that would be cost prohibitive.

    3. Cruciatus*

      My parents have the UV system on their well. I can’t remember what exactly happened that required getting it but so far I don’t think there’s any downside to having it. But we have had contamination so this just makes us all feel a little safer. The only annoying bit is when the alarm to replace the bulb goes off every year, but it seems only I can hear it so it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else! The guy showed me how to turn it off but they usually end up calling the guy up, he comes within a day to replace the bulb and turn the alarm off (it can be replaced by a mere human, but my parents have trouble going down the basement steps and would rather pay to have the pro do it).

  105. MomWineCulture*

    I recently moved to the southern part of the US. We are in an “old money” affluent area. While I work, I’m a consultant, and work from home, and have a lot of off time. I have two pre-teen kids. Most of the kids’ friends have a stay at home mom, and everything is wine related. Always. So much drinking. A coffee invite is never coffee. It’s irish coffee or a mimosa. By lunch time they are into their first bottle of wine.
    I know I can choose not to drink, but I find their thinking invading my thoughts and habits. It’s a really hard thing to describe.
    The women drink a lot more than the men. A lot more.
    The kids are amazing. We have a great time with the parents and love having such a huge social circle so fast, but I’m struggling with this.

    1. Dan*

      I don’t blame you for being… uncomfortable? My personal opinion is that there are a *lot* of in-denial alcoholics who are trying to find ways to make drinking a lot socially acceptable. I live in suburban DC, and it seems like over the last several years, Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day have just turned into socially acceptable excuses to get really drunk. I usually skip them. And believe it or not, it’s not about being a prude or whatever… I just don’t need an “excuse” to drink, and don’t find it fun to be around a bunch of loud, obnoxious drunk people. I live by myself and don’t have kids, so if I want a friggin drink, I’ll have a friggin drink. Or six if I don’t have to drive.

      The only alcohol thing that makes me uncomfortable is drinking around kids. Unlike me, my parents are a bunch of prudes, so I really didn’t grow up around much alcohol. My extended family would have a glass or two of wine with dinner, and that would be it. I didn’t grow up with intoxicated people. So as an adult, I just find it very odd when parents bring their kids to a function where the consumption of alcohol (I didn’t say getting smashed, just the consumption) is the primary purpose of the venue. Where I live, there aren’t many true bars per se, the zoning laws require most establishments that serve alcohol to serve food, so most places are more like restaurants than bars. I don’t take issue with that. But what’s really taken off in the last few years are microbreweries and distilleries; state law has made exceptions for consumption of products that are produced on-site. These are the places where bringing kids just makes me scratch my head.

      1. Maya Elena*

        I really like the micro-brewery arrangement, and that you can drink socially outside without it being specifically in an expensive dark cocktail lounge or a dive bar. Following the philosophy that exposure to risky topics/substances/behaviors in a safe and supportive environment full of responsible role models is a good (the best?) antidote to abuse or overly risky behavior in one’s kids, I think it’s an excellent behavior – kind of like teaching and modeling responsible sex/romantic relationships, driving, etc.

      2. Armchair Expert*

        Our local micro brewery is explicitly set up for kids to come along. It’s a long, dark open converted shed, with a corner for small kids (play mats, wooden trains) and a few things like foosball and an arcade game for older kids.

        I don’t drink at all, and I’m happy to spend a few hours there on a Sunday afternoon with my husband (who does) and kids.

    2. fposte*

      I’m a little bemused by the big #mommydrinking culture trend, I have to say. I just looked and stats confirm there’s been a considerable rise in drinking in the last 15+ years, with women’s drinking rising faster than men’s. That’s not good.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      Growing up, I lived in a similar area. My folks put me in a parochial school for religious reasons, that turned out to be the same school a lot of the old-money kids went to for status reasons. So I saw this socioeconomic group up-close, while not really being part of it.

      Alcoholism is rampant and normalized. Teen alcoholism, binge drinking, and drug abuse are rampant and normalized. Date rape also rampant & normalized.

      Many of the teens get away with “shenanigans” that would destroy the futures of kids of color. And many of the mommy-drinky-brunchy women have horror stories of familial abuse and teenage sexual assault.

      It’s a very tragic subculture on the whole, and I advise you to tread carefully. Social class doesn’t change human psychology, only how it is expressed. Nobody habitually stays soused from 11am on, unless they have very good reasons to want to stay fuzzy.

      Also, don’t let them drive your kids in carpool. The Yeti mug in the cupholder hides a multitude of cocktails.

      1. Reba*

        I also saw this is parochial school subculture in my home area. The summer picnics! The fish frys! Whew.

    4. Thursday Next*

      I’m not surprised that there’s a big wine mom culture in this affluent town, especially if a lot of the moms used to work but are now FT SAHMs. All that pressure to parent perfectly in Instagram-ready pics has to be released, and while the kids are having play dates, moms can relax together.

      And now it’s okay, even celebrated, to be a drinking mom, as long as it’s wine or creative cocktails (IDK if craft beers fall in the same category). There seems to be more discussion about wine mom culture, and I hope it continues. There needs to be more discussion of pressure and isolation, and other ways of managing those issues.

  106. Anonymous for this*

    Happy to say I have landed a better job since leaving bad-job. I’m happy I have this new job, but I was supposed to move in my plans, and I haven’t. I don’t need a lecture on “be here now” because I *know* I need to move. I *am* here now. What am I supposed to do when I keep asking for help in relocating and I can’t find trustworthy people? I’m single and it’s getting hard to find other single people to get a lease with who aren’t total disasters. I’m stuck in this mess because all my good friends are in different phases in life or relocated. I feel unsafe in my apartment some nights because of my housemates’ incompetence. I have standards- all I ask for is direct communication, not leaving appliances on or taking my stuff without asking. I keep ending up with people who suck and I feel powerless to it since I can’t find a new place to move to. How much grace do I reserve, both for myself and others, until it’s … not okay?

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Your clueless co-tenants certainly sound annoying. Can you at least rank your annoyances so that you pitch a fit on only the most enormous transgressions and learn to just endure the smaller ones? There’s a difference between behaviour that inconveniences you, like, eating your last special-treat cookies, and actions that put you into real financial or physical peril, like eating ALL of your groceries for next week or ALWAYS leaving the front door unlocked.
      More practically, how soon can you find an alternative place to live, even if it means a longer commute or renting a room in someone else’s home instead of sharing an apartment? Is your new job closer to neighborhoods where you could see yourself living–even for just a couple of years? Are there any people at work or elsewhere with new ideas for finding roommates?
      In the short-term, what about putting a lock on your bedroom and keeping it locked whenever doing so makes you comfortable (when you’re going to sleep, when you leave for work, when you’re in the kitchen and there’s a sketchy roommate or friend floating around in the living room…)? You could also keep some of your appliances and other stuff in your bedroom to avoid things being left on or taken when you’re not around.
      Good luck.

    2. Batgirl*

      I think that safety is always a good priority. It depends what’s making you feel unsafe but there may be ways to mitigate it. You can make sure smoke alarms are always working. You can also buy door-left-open alarms and gas alarms. You can fit your room door with a good lock too.

    3. WellRed*

      I am in my 40s and live with roommates. All I can say is, don’t settle! Interview potential roommates like its a job. Ask questions! Ask about their background, their work schedule, their roommate/housecleaning philosophy. I’ve had mostly great luck, but they’ve all fit into certain similar buckets and that’s OK. That said, I’ve had those times I was afraid I’d have to gi with the next warm body with first montb and security drp. All this to say, I sympathize. It’s tough.

      1. PBJnocrusts*

        Agree! Don’t settle! And secure yourself (and your belongings if that’s an issue) door locks is a great idea. I put one in when I woke up to my roommate standing over me with a frying pan in the middle of the night. He was about to bludgeon me with it. Good times.

  107. AwkwardTurtle*

    Anyone else was at Capital Pride yesterday? I was near Dupont Circle when all the commotion happened. I’m still processing the event and definitely am feeling vulnerable right now. My mind keeps going to what if something worse happened? I came out as bi about year ago and am still building my community. It’s becoming a bigger part of my identity and to have something threaten or harm that scares the shit out of me. I’m having a mini existential crisis right now and don’t want to leave my house :(

    1. Reba*

      So sorry, AwkwardTurtle. That must have been so scary. We were there earlier in the evening, and I didn’t even know this incident / thankfully not worse incident had happened until today. It was such a gorgeous day and fabulous atmosphere! There were old people! Teens! People got engaged! I hope that aspect of the experience is still present for you.

      I went to SAAM today to see a beautiful performance by Brendan Fernandes. It’s a participatory dance work that grieves for the Pulse victims but also celebrates life, joy, and moving together.

      Unrelated but related, I’m working on a team organizing a big outdoor, unrestricted entry event this year. It’s been really eye-opening and disturbing the kinds of safety measures they/we are putting in place. Blocking roads to make ourselves less vulnerable to vehicle attacks. Mapping the paths to shelter. We have emergency “until help arrives” training next week and I hope I can get through it without freaking out.

      Internet hugs if you want them.

    1. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

      I’ve not tried it, but it’s hypothetically perfectly safe; if you wanted to try it yourself, it might set your mind at ease to use meat that’s graded to be eaten raw in the first place (think sushi-grade fish, or beef from a trusted farmer/butcher who knows you intend to eat the beef ‘carpaccio.’) Most meats, really, are perfectly safe to eat raw, so long as they have been handled properly and are not contaminated.

  109. Anony in DC*

    We’re house hunting and debating based on our budget (upper $300s range) (paying for this ourselves since relatives aren’t in the picture financially):
    -spacious 3 floor townhouse that requires 1 hour on MARC train (10 min walk from house) to DC plus 15 minutes on the metro, nothing is really walkable
    Or
    -smaller stand-alone house near metro red line, iffy neighborhood, smaller bedrooms, large yard, very convenient/walkable, 40 min metro commute
    Or
    -smaller townhouse, medium bedrooms, 10 min bus drive from Shady Grove metro plus a 40 minute metro ride

    Factors:
    -Spouse has a car. I don’t and I rely 100% on metro for commute.
    -We might try for kids next year and I want to be within walking distance of an urgent care center
    -How is riding the MARC train while pregnant? Telework is a sometimes option but my worst fear is going into labor on the train.
    -My current commute: 45 minutes on the metro; we live in an apt

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I would go with #2. Having a yard and a shorter commute would persuade me. I don’t know what you mean by “iffy” but unless it’s actually dangerous I wouldn’t worry if it’s lower income. Of course, schools may eventually be a factor but not for at least 5 years sounds like.

      1. Alex*

        Agree. Also, stand-alone house means more control over your property and less neighbor irritation.

        Also, “iffy neighborhood” might improve and your home value would go up.

        This seems like a no brainer to me!

        1. Cat*

          In DC, I kind of assume that all neighborhoods are constantly improving so this would be my guess too.

        2. Washi*

          And honestly, I don’t think of any red line neighborhoods as being particularly iffy. The lower income areas that I can think of (Brookland? I would move there in a heartbeat!) are gentrifying rapidly, so it’s pretty much a given that the home value would go up if people continue moving to DC at the current pace.

          1. valentine*

            If you’re not gentrifying, get the smaller stand-alone house near Metro red line.

            For each location, imagine dealing with the commute on your worst day and your ability to get out and about when you don’t have the car or want the option of alternating walking/train.

    2. Formerly Known As*

      I would say go for the house, but if you’re planning on kids think about the quality of the schools in the area (unless you’re in a position to look into private or parochial schools).

      I don’t have kids, but these things jumped out at me right away. If you go with a townhouse, do you really want to deal with a baby/toddler/young child and all those stairs? Lugging a car seat/stroller up and down those stairs? Baby gates everywhere?

      House with yard seems great for a kid. If it doesn’t already have a fence, you could put one in. Put a swing set and toys out there.

      You said you might try for kids, but a home is a long-term investment. It doesn’t make sense to buy a home that will work for only a couple of years before you need something else. Think ahead. I bought my home with the intent to stay for a minimum of 10 years. I think if there’s any possibility you want kids, you should look for a kid-friendly home.

    3. Overeducated*

      Option 2! We’re in the same boat in almost every way except we already have one kid and will soon have a second, so my experience of day care logistics loom large for me without a car for pickup. We’re focusing on proximity to metro and day cares, and minimizing transfers. MARC doesn’t run as frequently so I think it would be more stressful to be on the way to pickup and worry about missing the train. And the more bus and metro transfers you add, the more room for being late or having a long lag between buses, especially if day care isn’t quite as close to the metro so you have to bus there and then home. (Day care close to home is my preference for shared responsibility between parents and telework, but ymmv.)

      Unfortunately this is narrowing it down so much it’s hard to find something we like in that price range and we can’t always jump fast enough, but people do say location is the one thing you can’t change. Honestly I think if we moved more than about a mile from metro, by the time we have two kids to pick up from two different places, we’d have to give up and get a second car.

    4. Anony in DC*

      Thanks all.

      My heart wants the spacious house because of the real estate size. My brain knows it’s a terrible commute.

      #2 would be perfect, except…the master bedroom and 1st bedroom is in the basement and the 1st floor has 2 smaller bedrooms. No 2nd floor.

      #3 is the middle ground and the master bedroom is on the 2nd floor. Has a basement.

      Sighhhhhhhhhh…..

      1. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

        Do you *need* 4 bedrooms? Can you see, down the road, maybe combining the 2 first-floor bedrooms into a master suite, or some other change to make the house layout work better for you? How many sq ft is the house in #2, and what do you feel you need for comfort? And what do you want for your kids — a suburban upbringing, or an urban one? These are very different things, with pluses and minuses to both sides.

        As someone who has raised 3 kids in a house that started off as a 1357 sq ft 2BR/1BA that we remodeled into a 1657-1700 sq ft 3BR/2.5 BA with a “spacious” master suite in San Francisco, I say go for #2. We had 5 people, a big dog, and 2 cats in this space and it only felt *tight* for about 2 -3 years. Now kids are moving out and we’re really glad we don’t have a ton of extra house to deal with.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      One thing to keep in mind that hasn’t been mentioned yet is HOA fees. I don’t know about your market, but in mine a lot of townhomes are in HOAs and most stand-alone homes are not. Depending on how many maintenance-related things are the HOA’s job, you can get stuck with really high HOA fees at some surprise future point if the HOA isn’t doing a good job of forecasting their costs over multiple years and instead just surprise-needs a new 30 year roof that they then raise fees to pay for right away…this is worse with condos than townhomes, but it’s still a major reason I bought a detached home in a non-HOA neighborhood.

      Also, if the small house has a large yard, depending on zoning you could perhaps build an addition onto it later. If you’re thinking you need more bedrooms later for the kids you want, but really don’t need that much space now, well, tiny babies really don’t need big bedrooms so that part could be something you deal with as much as a decade from now as you better know how many kids you have and how much elbow room they need.

      Personally, I decided to go with a smaller house than I really wanted to get a location with better transit access and walkable services. It’s tight space-wise, but at least I can leave and actually go somewhere else without driving. If finances allow, I’ll probably build an addition later – I have a couple of different ideas for where/what, but I’m avoiding researching specifics until I have the cash flow to afford it since I don’t want to get fixed on one idea and then get mad as housing codes change.

  110. Weekend Anonymous*

    It’s so late I don’t know if anyone will see this, but I needed to get it out. And sorry in advance that it’s long and rambling.

    My mom and I normally talk every day or every other day, but we haven’t talked all week because she blew up at me and I told her I wasn’t going to listen anymore and hung up the phone.

    My dad retired a few years ago and although he promised her they would do some traveling, nothing has panned out for a lot of reasons (financial, he doesn’t actually like traveling, pet care logistics, etc. etc.). She’s been increasingly unhappy with her life in recent years. Meanwhile, I’m single with no kids, own a home, have been promoted and am finally earning a decent salary, and am slowly tackling house maintenance projects (which is another sticking point with my mom because my dad is content to let things slide with their house). I’ve become increasingly aware that my mom is jealous of my life because I have a level of independence she’s never had. Your parents are supposed to want the best for you, right? They’re supposed to be glad when good things happen to their children, right? But all I feel like lately is that my mom resents my (modest) career success, and the fact I have my own money and can run my life the way I want.

    I turned 40 this year and took my very first actual vacation as a birthday present to myself. I’ve never had the money to do it before. But I scrimped and saved and used hotel points I had earned over the years and took a trip. And at the time, she seemed happy for me. I bought both parents nice, thoughtful gifts from my trip, and they seemed happy to look at my pictures.

    The opportunity just came up for me to take a short road trip this fall (3 days). And I decided to take this trip because it’s important to me and I had vowed to make my 40th year a good one because my 30s were pretty bad. Seemingly out of nowhere this week, my mom blew her stack with me over the phone about this trip. It ALL came out. She ranted and raved and brought up “selfish” things I had done 10-20 years ago. She then said I was being selfish for not inviting her on this trip and that she had listened to me go on and on about my birthday trip, when I had actually tried to limit how much I talked about it with her. She was so hateful about it I had to end the conversation.

    That was Monday. Wednesday, she texted me like nothing had happened and mentioned a news story she thought I’d like. I didn’t respond to the text. She hasn’t tried to text or call since. I’ve talked to my dad once this week and unsurprisingly, he had no idea that she had blown up at me. The only reason he called is because he wanted a favor from me. He hasn’t tried to call since (and he doesn’t know how to text).

    I’m really hurt that my mom seems to hate that I have a different life from her. I know she’s angry with how her life turned out, but to resent me for having a career and being able to finally take a road trip vacation (and not a luxury trip by any means)–it hurts. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong, and I’m tired of being called selfish. She doesn’t have the money to pay her own way, and I can’t afford to pay for her part of the trip. Not to mention, we would end up arguing. We get along great on the phone argue in person.

    What am I missing? Do I break the silence and call or text her? I truly don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, but I know she feels differently. I miss talking to her, but I am very hurt that she lashed out this way. And I don’t have another therapy appointment until after Father’s Day. That’s another issue–if we’re not talking, I don’t know what we’re going to do for Father’s Day. We usually spend holidays together.

    1. Reba*

      Sorry this happened, Weekend! I hope you still feel happy about and enjoy the memories of your well-deserved, normal, completely non-selfish trip! I love road trips. You definitely haven’t done anything wrong.

      I wonder, are there other areas in your life or other times when your Mom has insisted you “owe” her something?

      Your mom lacks the emotional muscles to deal with her regret, jealousy, and whatever else she is projecting onto your vacation. That is sad, but it’s about her. Maybe it means that she cannot be there for you in the way that you would want and deserve. I’m sorry that she can’t just be proud of you and happy for you.

      Since you’re close, I think it would be worth bringing up with her. On the phone seems like a good way for you to communicate. “Mom, I was really hurt by the things you said. I didn’t take this vacation AT you. I worked hard and did what I could afford. Your reaction surprised me.” See what she says. She might lash out again, in which case you’re in the same place, or you might reach some kind of greater understanding that would help you move forward.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Up to a point, we can’t be responsible for our parents’ or anyone else’s feelings. You’ve done nothing wrong.

      I’d talk to her, but I would concentrate on explaining your feelings only and how hurt you’ve been, then just leave it up to her – ie don’t mention the jealousy, I mean yes she certainly sounds jealous but I would stick to “when you said this, I felt xyz” statements.

      It’s ok to miss her and love her, but still not like her behaviour.

      Families are hard.

    3. fposte*

      It doesn’t sound like she resents you–it sounds like, as you said, she’s jealous of you. She doesn’t want you *not* to have that life; she just would like it too. I suspect she had expectations for retirement that she’s realizing aren’t going to happen, and she’s not dealing well.

      I think “Do I talk to her?” isn’t the same question as “Did I do anything wrong?” You can choose to break the silence when she’s in the wrong, and vice versa. What choice I’d make in the situation would be strongly inflected by the rest of our history. Were they abusive parents that you barely tolerate talking to? Or is this a long close relationship that’s similar to a friendship, where you wouldn’t likely ghost somebody after one uncharacteristic blowup?

      That doesn’t mean “pretend nothing happened.” You can say, and I think should definitely consider saying, something like, “Mom, I know the life you’ve had since Dad retired isn’t what you wanted, and I’m sorry. But it’s not fair to yell at me because you’re frustrated that you don’t get to travel. It hurts our relationship. I don’t yell at you, and it’s important to me not to get yelled at when we talk. Can you commit to that?”

      And if she’s willing to be thoughtful about this and not just dig her heels in, maybe you could help brainstorm some solutions for her that don’t just make you a Dad proxy. Does she have friends she could travel with? Are there handypeople she could hire? Could you help her be more explicit about her needs with your dad?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        fposte did a nice job on this one here, OP.
        I had a retired aunt who never married. But she had a circle of women friends who always traveled together. She went to Ireland, Hawaii, just about anywhere she wanted to go. They worked together to find seniors discounts, Triple A discounts and other cost cutting solutions such as going midweek. She used to laugh at the budgeting stuff they did. But it worked and they got to do things.

        Your mom is not wrong for wanting to do stuff. Your dad is not wrong for wanting to stay home. You are not wrong for wanting your own trips. The only thing really going wrong here is frustration. My suggestion is to look for new ideas for her. Seniors groups offer trips. Schools offer trips as fund raisers for the PTA. She can start by going on shorter trips and see how that goes for her.

        I don’t know what you do for holidays or birthdays but maybe instead of getting a gift you can give her some cash to put toward her next trip. This saves you from figuring out what to get her and encourages her with setting and achieving her own goals.

    4. WellRed*

      Your mom is angry with your dad and taking it out in you..they should have communicated openly about what retirement would look like or your mom put blinders on. Tell her how you feel.

    5. chi chan*

      First congratulations on the promotion and the vacations. For your mom, you don’t have to do this but can you talk to your dad about your mom’s wish for a vacation. Moms can be really weird with having a perfect picture in their head of the entire family on vacation, enthusiastically behaving just as they deem right, so it might not work. But if you can nudge your father into planning a vacation for both of them or just financing your mom for a solo weekend do so. I hope you have supportive people around you.

      1. valentine*

        But if you can nudge your father into planning a vacation for both of them or just financing your mom for a solo weekend do so.
        No; leave them to it. They planned for this, even if it was by not planning otherwise. Your mom knows who she married. Your dad is not some Prince Charming or Bob the Builder your mom needs to wait for or to rely on to go places or to spruce up the ol’ homestead. I’m wondering if you’re an only child and she got married because she was pregnant with you, but no matter. She can separate/divorce or just join a tour or meetup group to start doing what she wants. She can figure out ways to fund the life she wants.

        Don’t let her crash your trip. Just because she wants a trip, or even if she would love to do one like yours, doesn’t mean you owe her or should sacrifice your trip or anything else to soothe her. The big thing is her contacting you like nothing happened and not telling your dad what she did. Figure out what you want there and ask for it. (No more shouting/an acknowledgement of conflict/talking things through with active listening?) Some things, you can’t help her with and she may need therapy to change. I am thinking you need to reset the board and establish new adult-to-adult relationships with them. It’s nice that you usually enjoy talking with her. I hope this works out for you.

    6. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I’m about your age and it is shocking to me to see so many couples of our parents’ generation where Dad is directing EVERYTHING about their lifestyle now that they’re in retirement: where they live, where and when they travel, and so on.

      Dad wants to up and move to Florida, 2,000 miles away from the grandkids and Mom’s social life? Mom and Dad move to Florida. Dad wants a suburban 55+ community even further into the ex-urbs while Mom wanted a place on the ocean or bay? Mom and Dad will end up in that 55+ tract house. Mom wanted to travel now that she’s not tied to a desk 40 hours a week, but Dad wants to stay home and tinker and watch TV? Guess who’s tied to the house now, instead.

      It’s so strange to me, to see this dynamic in couples that raised me and my circle of friends because we tend to have very 50-50, collaborative partnerships with our spouses.

  111. Washi*

    I know it’s a bit late in the day to be posting, but what do folks think of adult-only baby showers? (Or rather, toddler-free baby showers.) I am hosting a baby shower for my best friend, who is the first of my friends to have kids. She has one couple that she wants to invite who have a 3 yo and a 1 yo. My husband and I live in an open plan one bedroom with tons of open shelving in the kitchen and living room – there’s no way to just close doors or easily toddler-proof. When I asked if the toddlers could not be invited she seemed disappointed, since it means one of the parents will have to stay home. And I get the irony of having a baby shower and not wanting little kids there! (I would be fine with nursing babies or older kids.)

    So, is it rude to not invite the kids?

    1. Thursday Next*

      I don’t think it’s rude—you’ve got the kids’ safety in mind. I suggest reaching out to the couple in advance and explaining the situation.

      FWIW, it is far more stressful, and far less fun for me, to take my daughter to a non-childproofed space instead of staying home. I have to follow her around and take things out of her hands, and keep her from touching hot things in the kitchen. I don’t know if this couple would see things that way; they might be more laissez-faire parents. But the reality of having kids is that parents either have to take turns going out, or get a babysitter sometimes. It’s not a bad thing for any parent-to-be to be exposed to!

      1. WellRed*

        I do agree with this. It’s reality, not tragedy, if parents have to get a sitter or one stays home.

        1. valentine*

          what do folks think of adult-only baby showers?
          I thought this was SOP.

          the irony of having a baby shower and not wanting little kids there
          If more of the invitees have kids they want to bring, at some point, the balance makes it a kids’ party, which isn’t usually what’s planned.

          If you have the funds, offering to split the cost of a babysitter to take the toddlers to a park or anywhere off the property would be nice.

      2. Washi*

        To be completely honest, I am partially motivated by the kids’ safety and partially motivated by the safety of my possessions. The only time a toddler has been in our home, she got into the kitchen and broke one of our mixing bowls. But we now have nearly ceiling height bookshelves full of craft supplies and knicknacks that are not secured to the wall, so there are now even more safety hazards.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I mean, a broken mixing bowl isn’t good for anyone, whether it’s the owner or the person walking among the shards!

          I think it’s understood that when you’re talking about items in your home, you’re concerned about their preservation. But obviously, when you discuss it with these parents, it should be framed as a matter of safety. A lot of times, homes with no children aren’t even aware of all the dangers that they should troubleshoot before having young children over. So even if you told these parents, “well it’s mainly the kitchen that has breakable stuff,” there are likely many more items that would prove to be dangerous.

          I’ve only been to one baby shower where a child was present—I took my two-month-old to my best friend’s shower. The showers I’ve been to have generally been adult occasions.

          1. Washi*

            Yeah, I’m just a little concerned that if I say it’s a safety thing, the parents will say that they will keep a close eye on their kids and make sure they are safe! (For example, the mixing bowl in question was plastic, so it didn’t really present much danger to the child, it’s just that she threw it on the ground so hard that it split.)

            But hopefully they are reasonable people who won’t push back! I just don’t know them at all.

    2. WellRed*

      I am from a generation or region where the idea of men wanting to attend a baby shower is completely foreign. ; ) this is a tough one. I would assume the parents won’t let the kids roam free, but on the other hand, sounds like you don’t know these people. Really though, baby showers are the one event you kind of have to allow kids. I feel your pain.

    3. Alex*

      I haven’t been to that many baby showers, but they are generally not all that fun for kids? I honestly can’t remember but I don’t remember too many kids at any baby showers.

      IMO, a baby shower isn’t like other parties where someone puts on a party for guests to enjoy. The party is for the family-to-be.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      It’s not rude, especially since you can’t babyproof. I have kids, and IME being the only parent at a party, especially in a home that’s not safe for littles, is awkward and not much fun.

      Extend the invitation, and let the parents decide for themselves whether to have one stay home or get a sitter.

      FWIW, I can’t think of any dads I know who would voluntarily go to a baby shower anyway. They’d leap at an excuse to stay home with the kids. YMMV.

    5. Anona*

      I personally assume that my daughter’s not invited to baby showers. I think you’re fine!

      1. Lilith*

        Say “I know Dina is looking forward to seeing both of you, so I hope it won’t be too hard to get a sitter for your other 2 kids. I’m sorry my house isn’t kid proof.”
        Maybe rework the last half.

  112. NYC bound- now stuck*

    Thank you AAM. I had a great time in NYC. I used the ideas shared. Did not do color factory.
    Only challenging part of trip is. I am still in the airport. My plane delayed is from 725pm to 1125pm. Well this will give me time to catch up on AAM.

    2. Little Bird*

      Agh, that happened on my last NYC trip! Potholes on one of the 2 (yes, apparently only 2) runways at LaGuardia, which delayed our evening return flight by 3-4 hours. Glad you have good reading materials to keep you entertained!

  114. Jean (just Jean)*

    Yuck! On the other hand it’s annoying to be delayed, but it’s better than flying in unsafe conditions.
    Sorry for lousy sentence construction. It’s past my bedtime. :-P

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