{ 1,456 comments… read them below }

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thank you. She’s been sick for a while (kidney disease) and we knew this was probably coming this year but she had seemed to be doing a little better. She had a stroke on Thursday and couldn’t move and we didn’t want her to suffer. It’s not been a great few days, especially having just lost Sam in the fall.

      1. Tabby*

        I’m so sorry I lost my 17 year old Persian to kidney failure too I had to put him down I’m so sorry

      4. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, I’m so sorry. Kidney disease is hard. I lost my last kitty to that and now her sister has it.

      8. Myrin*

        Oh god Alison, I’m so sorry. I was shocked to see this and I only knew her from your pictures and tales – I can’t imagine what it must be like for you and your husband. Jedi hugs if you want them!

      12. Forestdweller*

        So very sorry, Alison. Losing a feline family member is just awful. Sending positive energy.

      14. cat socks*

        I’m so incredibly sorry. I said goodbye to my girl back in February due to kidney disease. Rest in peace, sweet Lucy.

      20. Blinded by the Gaslight*

        Awww, I’m so sorry about your kitty. This is the worst part of having pets, even though it’s the kindest choice to end their suffering. Hugs to you!

      21. Windchime*

        Oh, poor Lucy. Such a pretty girl and she looks especially beautiful in this picture. I’m so sorry for your loss, and right on the heels of Sam. :(

      23. tamarack & fireweed*

        Very sorry to hear this, Alison. We have Siberian Huskies and lost a whole group of old dogs (aged 15-17 over the last two years) — they just don’t live long enough.

      25. Belle di Vedremo*

        Oh, no, not Lucy too! I’m so sorry.

        What a lovely girl. I’ll miss seeing her photos and hearing stories about her.

        Condolences to your family, human and feline.

      29. Fellow Cat Person*

        I am so sorry Alison! A few years ago I lost my 12-year-old cat to a stroke (a saddle thrombus that paralyzed him and sent him into heart failure) as well. Prior to the stroke, he had been ill for a few years with feline inflammatory bowel disease (that was likely transforming to a GI lymphoma) and needed daily medication and a special diet that he hated; I had been coaxing him to eat but he had lost a lot of weight. It broke my heart to lose him so suddenly, but my only consolation was that he was no longer suffering anymore from his chronic disease that would have also killed him more slowly. That doesn’t make the grief any less sharp, though. I am so sorry to hear about Lucy’s passing, and hugs to you and your family (feline and human) during this sad time.

      30. Formerly Known As*

        I’m very sorry, Alison. I’m a cat mom too. My previous cat had kidney disease.

      31. Sam Sepiol*

        It only seems like a few months ago you lost Sam! Can’t believe it’s that long. You must still miss him very much <3

      36. Lucien Nova*

        I’m so sorry, Alison. I lost my second youngest to kidney failure last year and I still miss her every day.

      38. frystavirki*

        oh no, poor lucy :c i’m glad you were able to help her not suffer and you got some warning. she looks like she was such a sweet girl and i know you must love and miss her very much. my heart goes out to you guys.

      39. LaSalleUGirl*

        Oh, I’m so sorry. She looks like such a sweet little floof. It’s always so, so hard to get to this point.

      41. Wantonseedstitch*

        I’m so sorry, Alison! My first cat was a Lucy as well (short for LucyFur), and losing her was heartbreaking. My sympathies to you and your family.

      42. Minocho*

        I”m so sorry. My beautiful Japanese cat Yami passed away between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and it’s so hard. But when I look at your pictures, I can easily tell that they’ve had wonderful lives, and given and received lots of love and good times.

    4. Best cat in the world*

      Oh I’m so sorry about Lucy Alison. It’s so horrible :(
      Hope the others are giving you plenty of kitty cuddles.

      1. Square Root of Minus One*

        Oooooh little thing :(
        My condolences Alison. It’s so sad when they leave *hugs own cat*

    9. Dame Judi Brunch*

      RIP Lucy
      Alison, I’m so sorry for your loss. Our babies leave us too soon.

    12. Anono-me*

      So sorry for your loss.

      I know Lucy brought lots of love and joy to your home. And you kindly shared her with the AAM community. I will miss her sweet smiles.

    14. MatKnifeNinja*

      Run free sweet Lucy! There is never a shortage of brown bag bags or boxes in heaven. Sorry about your kitty, Alison.

    15. Bibliovore*

      I am so sorry. A dear friend of mine told me her kitty Rigby had the same issues just yesterday. I like to imagine these two are meeting up for the first time and comparing their family notes.

    16. Foreign Octopus*

      This is awful, I’m so sorry. Particularly as this has come so soon after losing Sam.

    22. Ead01s*

      I’m so sorry Allison, she looks like such a sweet kitty. It’s so hard to part with them. Jedi hugs to you.

    23. Washed Out Data Analyst*

      Nooo Lucy <3 <3 <3 She was a beautiful cat and I'm sure she was happy in this life!

    26. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      I am so sorry for your loss. They take a piece of our soul when they leave. I hope good memories someday outweigh the pain.

    33. StudentA*

      I’m so, so sorry. The beautiful Lucy had a proud mommy and thanks for sharing with us just a little of the joy she brought you over the years.

    36. Tomato Anonymato*

      So sorry, Alison! She was a beauty and I am sure she had a charmed life with you.

      1. WrenF*

        I’m very sorry about Lucy’s passing. Your kitty family members bring so much joy to your readers. She was a beautiful girl.

    37. Staxman*

      A few days after one of my cats was euthanized at age 18 in 1994, I received the following from my vet:

      “There have been a couple of times in my life when I have wondered if I could survive the sadness of the moment. I expect you are feeling that way these last few days. Yes, we survive, but we are never the same. In some ways that is good. We should be changed by the wonderful experience of having had such a loving companion for so long.”

      They never live long enough. :(

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        Staxman,
        that is really lovely, thank you for sharing.

        And my condolences to Alison!

    42. NYCProducer*

      I’m so very sorry to hear about your beautiful Lucy, Alison. I lost my Ollie a few months ago, and the loss is so profound.

  3. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I don’t want this sad news to make people feel like they can’t post lighter things! I know the juxtaposition can be weird, so how about this: What is everyone reading?

    1. Cat Meowmy Admin*

      Gurl. You have been a supportive resource of hope for countless people in countless ways. You deserve to have some of that from your loyal commentariat. XO
      Okay – I just learned about the book (which I’m ordering) “UnFuck Your Habitat”! Offering real world advice for tackling overwhelming housework or clutter (or anything at all) into bite sized manageable pieces. (Especially if you’re dealing with anxiety/depression.) Which is what all goals should be based on, amiright?! Sign me up!

        1. Cat Meowmy Admin*

          Truth you tell! The “prime directive”* is something I always kinda knew, deep down. For some reason, I find that I always need to be ‘reminded’ of those principles, and not let my self-criticism brain get in the way. I’m going to try to incorporate “The 5 Second Rule” in tangent. Lort – something’s gotta give!

          1. Lena Clare*

            I just bought the book. I hadn’t read the website in ages and I decided to treat myself today :-)

      2. Chylleh*

        Looking at the spiraling chaos that is my house right now, I so need that book in my life right now. Thanks for the recommendation!

    2. Detached Elemental*

      I am reading Packing for Mars, by Mary Roach. It’s a look at astronaut selection and training, but really interesting, and full of things you always wanted to know.

      I think someone on the blog might have recommended it in a recent thread? If so, thanks for the suggestion!

      1. Teacher*

        I adore Mary Roach books. I recommend all of them, but I don’t think I’ve read Packing for Mars. Thanks for the recommendation!

    3. Feliz*

      I’m reading “The Vessel” by Lisa A Nichols – about a mission to another planet where only one of the team comes back and can’t remember what happened. So far so good – enjoyably mysterious, decent characters and exploration of what it would be like to gone for 6yrs

    4. NeverNicky*

      Joe Country by Mick Herron. He writes the best spy thrillers out at the moment but they are also witty and biting about modern British culture and politics.

      This is the sixth in a series and he’s not afraid to kill off people we have invested in. The blurb hints at this happening so I’m reading with bated breath.

    5. Bulu Babi*

      I started Cribsheet by Emily Oster, a data-driven analysis of best practices in parenting babies and toddlers. It’s fun and informative! She also wrote Expecting Better, for pregnancy. I recommend it to pregnant folks in general — I’m much more relaxed about the whole affair after reading it! #science :)

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        Haha. I have a two-week old (our first) and just finished that as well. I’m kicking myself a little for not having read Expecting Better, but oh well. I enjoyed Cribsheet! Certainly seems to be getting a lot of coverage.

        A bit tired of reading about babies now though, so trying to hit on some good fiction. Not totally sold on the mystery I just started….

        1. Bulu Babi*

          Yeah, I alternate with the most escapist high fantasy books I can find! ;) Currently on a Brandon Sanderson marathon. Oh, and I try to play board games once a week, to convince myself that my brain can still work on non-baby stuff. It’s good therapy.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      The new Robert McCammon book in the Matthew Corbett series, Cardinal Black. Historical fiction, takes place in the very early 1700s. Matthew is a “problem solver”, a detective before they were called detectives.

      I love historical fiction in general, but I’m particularly attracted to this series because of the time period. My house was built in 1735 and I like to imagine my house as part of the settings in the books and what life in my house would have looked like at that time. Yeah, I know, weird.

      1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

        This looks right up my alley. Added the first book to my ‘want to read’ list. Thanks!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          You’re welcome! If you like post-apocalyptic books, try his book Swan Song. It’s about rebuilding after a worldwide nuclear war, but really the theme is good vs. evil. That was the first book of his I read and I loved it.

      2. Juniper*

        Thank you, I like his other works, but I hadn’t read anything in this series. I just put it on my Kindle for an upcoming camping weekend.

    7. Elizabeth*

      The Gifted School by Bruce Holsinger. It’s about parents being competitive for an elite school for their kids. Set in the US.

    9. Liane*

      I am doing the online Summer Reading Club through the library –there’s an adult division. I have been reading a lot more non-fiction. Just a few: I recently finished meteorologist Al Roker’s Storm of the Century (1900 Gulf Hurricane) & Ruthless Tide (Johnstown Flood). He’s an amazing writer. Just before that it was Storm Cursed, the latest in Patricia Briggs’ Mercy Thompson urban fantasy series. Am about to start Alphabet Squadron, a new Star Wars novel.

    10. Bored*

      Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty. Loved every one of her books – well that’s not true – but even if I didn’t LOVE them, they moved really quick. This one is…dragging along. Anyone else read it? Should I power through or pick up a different book?

      1. Vanellope*

        I didn’t love it, and I usually love her books. I powered through just because I can’t not finish something, but it never really did pay off for me…(sorry! Wish I could tell you there was a fabulous twist that made all the set up worth it, but no)

        1. Bored*

          Thank you!! I have a huge list of to to-be-reads so I might just give up on it…thanks for saving my time :)

      2. Summer Rain*

        I felt the same way. Definitely my least fav of hers and I was frustrated in some of the (IMHO) more ridiculous plot twists. Esp disappointing as I am a huge fan!

      3. Come On Eileen*

        Oh man. By the end I haaaated that book! I’m like you: have read her other books and really enjoyed them. This one just takes such a weird and unbelievable turn that I had to force myself to power through finishing it. It’s like Liane wrote the first half and then she handed it off to someone else to finish it.

    11. Outside Earthling*

      The book you recommended last week, Alison, “The Expatriates”. It is so, so good and I’ve had a lovely week reading it, especially with a great new reading lamp. Where would we be without books? They are a joy.

      Sorry to hear about Lucy. I lost my own cat Lucy a few years ago.

    12. Dr. KMnO4*

      I just started reading Automating Inequality by Virginia Eubanks. It is about how letting algorithms make decisions about big decisions, like who gets loans, makes it much more difficult for people to get out of poverty.

      I recently finished Invisible Women by Caroline Criado-Perez and Technically Wrong by Sarah Wachter-Boettcher. The former discusses the lack of data on women (in pharmaceutical research, transportation needs, etc.) and the impact is has on our lives. The latter discusses the lack of gender and racial diversity in the tech industry and how that reinforces biases and negatively affects our lives.

      None of them are light reads, but they drew me in and I couldn’t put them down.

    13. SpellingBee*

      I’m reading Early Riser by Jasper Fforde. I’ve read all his others (the Thursday Next series were my favorites) so I was excited to see he had a new one out. It’s different but an interesting premise, and his writing is as sharp and funny as ever. My “on deck” book after this one is Quicksilver by Neal Stephenson – I tried it once before because I love several of his other books but wasn’t able to get into it, so we’ll see how it goes this time.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      I just finished The Rise and Fall of Dodo, by Neal Stephenson and Nicole Galland, recommended here a few weeks ago. A fun read, if ultimately a bit light in the landing–Stephenson has written some stories I love (Anathem, Diamond Age) and others where I really want him to have an editor.

      About to start How Long ‘Til Black Future Month? by N.K. Jemisin.

    15. Françoise etc.*

      Doppler by Erlend Loe. Midlife crisis hits father of two and he decides to move into the woods around Oslo in Norway. He makes friends with a deer and shares critical observations of our society’s consumerism. Entertaining satire where all characters seem to be caricatures but very real at the same time.

    16. Emily*

      I just finished The Lathe of Heaven! Probably my favorite experience reading Ursula K. Le Guin to date. (To be fair, that experience is limited to A Wizard of Earthsea in high school – I didn’t like her writing style at the time – and The Left Hand of Darkness more recently, which should have been right up my alley but was a bit of a slog. I might try them again at some point.)

      Basic summary: A man’s dreams have the power to change the reality of the world. He goes to a psychiatrist for help, but the psychiatrist is more interested in harnessing his abilities than stopping them. It goes about as well as you’d expect.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Isn’t the Lathe of Heaven good? Very unsettling and surprising; I love the way the menace grows more obvious as the novel proceeds.

        For what it’s worth, I couldn’t get into Left Hand on my first run. I’d been reading science fiction for awhile, and it was just too . . . weird. I took a second stab at it when I received it as a gift and loved it. So perhaps if you go back at some point? Also, my favorite Le Guin is The Dispossessed, which is timely and hearthbreaking and hopeful.

        2. Emily*

          I enjoyed how quickly things escalated. I don’t want to get too far into spoiler territory, but it felt like things went very quickly from mildly disconcerting to full-on bananas. I also appreciated that Le Guin wrote characters who I could like and root for.

          The Dispossessed is on my list! I don’t know when I’ll get to it, but I’m intrigued by the premise and have heard good things.

      2. Reba*

        I also was turned off by the Earthsea books as a teen. I’m sorry, *another* teen wizard goes to wizarding school? idc. But I recently read them all and loved them! They are actually about, like, gender politics and aging! Ha.

        Looking forward to Lathe of Heaven.

        I’m currently in the last book of The Bear and the Nightingale series. Very atmospheric and rich world.

        1. MMB*

          I just finished The Bear and the Nightingale series and LOVED it! One of my new faves for sure :)

        2. Emily*

          Right! While there’s a chance I still wouldn’t like them, I imagine there’s some stuff I missed or discounted on my first reading (of only the first book – I haven’t read the series).

      3. Lost in the Woods*

        Left Hand is one of those books that I think is best read with other people to discuss it with. It’s very rich but, since we’re in Genly’s mind the whole time and he’s getting maybe 10% of the nuance of any given situation, it really benefits the book to be able to talk it over.

        1. JediSquirrel*

          Completely this. I read this book last year and it was thick and rich and wonderful, but it really was almost too much at times. It would have been great to have someone to talk it out and over with.

    17. ThatGirl*

      I need something new, I’ve actually read quite a lot of your recommendations, so time to browse this thread I guess!

    18. Lady Jay*

      I just finished something I think people here would enjoy: the Poisoners’ Handbook, by Deborah Blum.

      On the surface, it’s about the very first medical examiner office, in New York City, the rising use of chemistry to solve poison murder cases, and the rise of forensic science as a field. But the book is broader in scope and touches on other aspects of 1920s and 1930s NYC: mostly Prohibition, but also city corruption and the automobile. It’s basically a series of murder mysteries with historical and forensic science stuff thrown in.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It’s excellent. There’s also a documentary version of it that was just as good.

    19. CJM*

      I’m knee deep in the Guido Brunetti series by Donna Leon. If you like crime novels, these include a glorious setting (Venice, Italy), lively family dynamics, and delicious cooking tips. I had a month’s break until a friend lent me the next dozen books, and I was surprised how eager I felt.

    20. MysteryFan*

      I love the urban fantasy books of Seanan McGuire, especially the series with October Daye.. and most of the Incryptid series.

    21. merp*

      I just ran across a book called Gathering Moss, which is about (surprise) moss. I am unreasonably excited.

    22. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Kitchen Confidential, by Anthony Bourdain. Despite the title, it’s more memoir than expose or useful information, though I bookmarked the advice on knife buying, and his reasoning for “never order seafood on Monday” is plausible. I’m not at all sure I would have liked Bourdain, if I’d met him, but at this distance the dramatic scorn of people he thinks of as picky eaters can roll off me, since he’s not in a position to impose his preferences on me.

    23. MMB*

      I’ve got two on the burner right now. James Lee Burke’s New Iberia Blues (I’m beginning to burn out on him though so I guess it’s a good thing that this looks like the final book in the Robicheaux series – at least for now) and one of my guilty pleasures, a fantasy by Jacob Peppers. Oh! And a beta read that’s been fairly interesting.

    24. PB*

      J by Howard Jacobson. It was shortlisted for the Man Booker prize in 2014. I bought it then, and am just reading it now. It’s set in a future in which people are encouraged to forget about the past, following an incident referred to as just “What Happened, If It Happened.” It’s interesting, if not always a great deal of fun.

    25. Mimmy*

      I love personal narratives by people with disabilities, and one that I’m finishing up is a new book called PRAVE: The Adventures of the Blind and the Brittle. The author, Dave Bahr, is blind and his wife had Osteogenesis Imperfecta, aka, brittle bone disease. Dave reveals almost immediately that his wife has passed on, but it doesn’t spoil the story at all. He talks about how they met, got married and battled inaccessibility and discriminatory attitude. It is sweet and funny. His wife was very small due to her condition, but she is a pistol.

    27. PhyllisB*

      I have to wonder: Am I the only one on here who enjoys Chic Lit? I mean, I like other things too: Thrillers, anything to do with medical science, memoirs, ect. but I also enjoy light-hearted things, too. Like this weekend I am reading Sunset Beach by Mary Kay Andrews and last week read Queen Bee by Dorothea Benton Frank, and loved it. (Actually, that turned out to be somewhat educational because it had a lot of facts about bees and beekeeping.) When I read some of what y’all are reading, I feel slightly intimidated.

      1. Mammo-anon*

        I like some chic lit, like Jennifer Weiner and Jane Green. I like other stuff too. Mysteries are faves. Currently feel like I’ve read everything I like and there’s nothing left. But, that will pass

      2. NeonFireworks*

        Everyone should read exactly what they enjoy reading. Chick lit gets devalued because pretty much everything perceived as feminine does. I actually think I should make an effort to read MORE chick lit!

      3. Emily*

        I don’t read much chick lit specifically, but I do read some things (YA novels, certain types of “genre” fiction, occasional comic books/manga) that are considered less high-brow. And I hardly ever read nonfiction books, which has made me feel inferior on occasion.

        Mostly, I think you should read what you like!

      4. WrenF*

        Have you read The Favorite Daughter by Patti Callahan Henry? So good and right there in the chick lit category.

      5. babblemouth*

        I just ordered 3 Nora Roberts books, so I’m going to say you’re not alone. I alternate genres quite a lot, which confuses a lot of people who know me. I think spacing out the very hard reads with some more easy going stuff helps with the hard stuff, and increases the enjoyment of the simpler books. I am very slowly going through Ron Chernow’s Hamilton, and trust me, if I couldn’t take breaks from time to time to read shorter novels, I would never, ever finish it.

    28. Ead01s*

      I’ve been escaping into Star Wars novels. The newer Thrawn trilogy (3rd book coming out this fall) and the Ashoka novels are all excellent. I’m half way through the first Heir to the Empire book. It’s not as strong, but my husband has assured me that the writing and plot twists get better as the trilogy progresses.

    29. Peacemaker*

      Between audiobooks, paper and ink, and e-books, I always have several going at any given time. Right now it’s “First: Sandra Day O’Connor,” by Evan Thomas, “G-Man,” by Stephen Hunter (part of his Bob Lee Swagger series), and “A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy,” by William Irvine. Yesterday, I finished “The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure,” by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt, an excellent examination of the sources of anxiety and conflict in present day America and some ideas for addressing those challenges.

    30. Wishing You Well*

      I just finished “The Silmarillion” by Tolkien. It’s quite the slog through many made-up places and names that sometimes differ by only one letter. Locations can have multiple names and then change 2 or 3 times. The tiny hand-drawn map contains only a portion of the world described in the book. I had to photocopy and enlarge the map to keep track, only to give up when many important places were not on the map at all. I had to constantly refer to the genealogy charts and index in the back. There’s also a pronunciation guide and appendix for more language lessons. The book is mainly exposition about a dying world, not at all like “The Hobbit” or “Lord of the Rings”.
      “The Silmarillion” is a lot of work. Read a synopsis. Save yourself!

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I wonder if I would have made it through The Silmarillion back in elementary school when I worked through The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. My elementary school library, quite understandably, did not have a copy so I went on to other authors after finishing LotR. I had a very high tolerance for slow-moving books at the time (before reading LotR I’d just finished reading Little Women, so I was used to powering through things that weren’t written for modern elementary school kid attention spans), so I suspect I would have put in a good effort. (In middle school, I also read TTRPG supplements for fun, particularly some of the more involved GURPS books, so referring to an appendix and taking notes wouldn’t have stopped me, either.)

        Now, however, I have access to so many things to read, and I am not generally a fan of “we go everywhere on the map, and also there are complicated elves” fantasy, so I don’t think I’m going to put in the effort.

      2. Elbereth Gilthoniel*

        It just goes to show how differently books can impact people. The Silmarillion is my favorite of Tolkien’s middle earth books. But I love myth and legend, so a creation story is right up my alley.

    31. LCL*

      Hag fish by Margaret Atwood. It is a modern day retelling of The Tempest, set in the world of a theater group. And then…Exquisitely written, every word belongs, no metaphysics or larger ideas, it just cooks. I’m loving it so far.

    32. Djuna*

      I’m halfway through Daisy Jones and the Six, and it’s a good, fun read. A fictional oral history of a rock band in the 1970’s that makes me wish I could listen to the music they’re talking about making. It’ll be fun to see how the soundtrack for the streaming show (when it’s made) will compare with the songs in my head.

      1. Luisa*

        LOVED that book. I’d seen it recommended multiple times and thought it sounded like something I wouldn’t be interested in, but then it was on the New Fiction shelf at my library, and I decided I might as well try it. So glad I did!

        There is a Spotify playlist companion, although obviously it’s actual songs from that period, and not the songs from the book. I still really liked it though!

    33. Archie Goodwin*

      Currently working on I, the Supreme by Augusto Roa Bastos. It’s been sitting on my desk for the past few years, teasing me. Finally I had an overseas trip and took it along.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I,_the_Supreme

      It’s extremely dense. I don’t dislike it, necessarily, but it’s one of those novels that requires a lot of taking slowly.

      Hey, nobody said I don’t relish a challenge. :-)

    34. Michaela Westen*

      My therapist is recommending to everyone a book called “Attached” by Levine and Heller. She says it describes the different ways people attach to others and helps women determine how a man is attaching to them and whether it’s compatible.

    35. Kathenus*

      Moondust – In Search of the Men Who Fell to Earth by Andrew Smith. It’s about the men who walked on the moon and specifically what happened in their lives afterwards. My dad and brother had/read it years ago and I got it last year from them once they were done with it. I started reading it last month, not intentionally coincidental with the 50th anniversary of Apollo 11. A really interesting book from a unique perspective.

      1. Alison1965*

        Moondust is great, isn’t it? So interesting. I was privileged to attend an event in London not long after it came out, with Andrew Smith and the moonwalker, Alan Bean.

    36. Typhon Worker Bee*

      The Power by Naomi Alderman. Kick-ass YA fiction, loving it so far.
      Seveneves by Neal Stephenson. Great story, but gets bogged down by too many pedantic and unnecessary details at times. And I’m someone who likes some pedantic and unnecessary details in their sci-fi – it shows that the author has really and truly thought about the logistics of how their scenario would unfold. But this is too much even for me.

    37. Windchime*

      I just spent the last week re-reading the “Wool” series by Hugh Howey. I read it all every year or two, and I just love it. It’s post-apocolyptic (my favorite genre), and it was released in sections:

      Wool (five smaller books are combined into the omnibus)
      Shift (comprised of three smaller books : First Shift, Second Shift, Third Shift)
      Dust (I think this was just released as one book)

      Highly recommended. It’s about people who, for some unknown reason, live in a huge underground silo because the outside world is poisoned for an unknown reason.

    38. Ra94*

      Just started the Milkman, set during the Troubles in the 1970s- it’s written in a really modern way while still having a very engaging plot, rarely balanced for my taste.

      I finished Soulless: The Case Against R. Kelly this week, which was harrowing but also wonderfully written. I loved the focus on the journalistic and legal process, which kept it from just being a rehash from the stories I’d already read online.

    39. GoryDetails*

      For the history-of-science/weird-brain-behavior fans, I recommend The Tale of the Dueling Neurosurgeons by Sam Kean. I’ve enjoyed other books by him, and he blends history and science with a readable style and occasional quips, to very good effect.

    40. DrTheLiz*

      The “Young Wizards” New Milennium Editions by Diane Duane. I finally caved and bought them on Wednesday. They’ve been updated for a consistent timeline (instead of being set with thirteen-year-olds in 1996 and 14-year-olds in 2001) and with a (very welcome) update of one of the important side characters, who’s autistic. My conclusion: damnit, Duane, you can still make me cry as well as you could when I was 15 and found these the first time.

    41. NewReadingGlasses*

      I just finished “The Android’s Dream” by John Scalzi. It’s openly, joyfully contrived, and I enjoyed it.

    42. rubble*

      (first ever comment – low stakes!)

      as soon as the university semester ended I picked up a bunch of history books from the library to read over break – currently reading a little book calledBlood & Guts – A Short History of Medicine, by Roy Porter. it’s Western-medicine centric, but still very interesting!

    43. Luna123*

      I’m reading Bad Blood by John Carreyrou about Theranos and it’s just . . . bonkers. The work environment sounds totally nuts, but I’m mostly just blown away by how much Holmes lied to EVERYONE about EVERYTHING.

      1. WrenF*

        Daniel Silva’s The Other Woman (I discovered Silva late; read 8 of his Gabriel Allon books and had to take a break. Started back up with this one, which touches on the Cambridge Five, Russian spies, and more).

        Then I’ve been racing thru some fun YA series; Jenny Tan’s To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before trio, Aprilynne Pike, and Diana Peterfreund.

      2. babblemouth*

        OMG, I read it and loved it so much, and it was often hard to believe it wasn’t fiction. That woman is a public menace, and I can’t believe she’s not in jail. I keep it as my reference for next time someone goes “well, all these smart rich people are listening to this one person, so he/she must be right.” The way she razzle dazzled influential people is incredible, and yet I see it happen all around me. I had to bring up that example at work a few months ago when someone was getting ready to invest a whole lot of money on a project that simply had really good marketing and a charismatic founder… like no, just because this person is saying all the right words does not erase that in 5 years of existence, they still haven’t produced the thing they said they would do.

    44. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Free Food for Millionaires/Min Jin Lee.

      It’s a rather addictive read and should be turned into a movie.

    45. MsChanandlerBong*

      I am almost done slogging through Patricia Cornwell’s “Scarpetta” series. It was quite good from books 1-10 or so; then it went off the rails until about book 19, and now it’s okay again. It’s not great, but at least I don’t want to throw my Kindle. I’m on book 21 now, and I think there are three more after this.

    47. babblemouth*

      I have just finished reading Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez, and I highly recommend it. It looks at all the ways data gaps on women’s needs and behaviours is reinforcing gendered problems around the world. I had to put it down a few times to let out some anger, some of the stuff in there is truly outrageous.

  4. Cat Meowmy Admin*

    Oh no, Alison! I’m deeply sorry and totally empathize.* Grieving the loss of a beloved pet is often harder than the loss of a human loved one, in a different way. May your cherished memories of your beloved Lucy comfort your heart, over time. Such a beautiful girl. Someone once said, “pets don’t live as long as we do, because they already know in their hearts and souls, what we humans need a lifetime to learn”. I’m sure you enriched Lucy’s life as much as she did yours. And that unconditional love never dies. Lucy’s paw prints are forever etched in your heart. <3 Hugs to you and Lucy's fur siblings too. XO
    (*exactly the same condition with one of our pets a few years ago; totally understand)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      The animals and the kids. We can feel a higher sense of obligation to protect the smaller beings. I think that “helps” to make the grief harder because they seem so dependent on us.

      It’s important to remember that Lucy knew she had a happy, safe home with Alison and Hubby. And Lucy knew she had a good life. Likewise with so many of our pets, in their own way, they know they had a good life in our homes. And they know they are loved.

      1. Cat Meowmy Admin*

        Absolutely, I feel the same way. <3 To live a life filled with love is a life well lived indeed.

  5. Fran*

    What is the etiquette when someone invites you to a birthday party and says no presents? We are invited to the 4oth birthday party of SOs stepmom’s daughter. I ended up getting her a gift bag from body shop but I am going to another similar party next month thrown by a person I have met a handful of times and I don’t know what to get her.

    1. KimberlyInOhio*

      Urgh! I am pretty literal, so I’d bring no present. But some people bring presents anyway and I’d feel bad being the person who didn’t bring a present. I feel your pain!

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Don’t get a gift. It doesn’t matter if everyone else shows up with one, that just showed they didn’t care enough to listen. I say this as someone who really, really hates it when I invite someone over, they ask what to bring, I tell them I have it covered, and they show up with dessert.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        YES. Seriously. If I tell you don’t bring anything, frigging don’t bring anything. Argh.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Obviously, y’all don’t live in the South. :-) Hostesses will tell you “don’t bring a thing!!” and sometimes they mean it. But a lot of time you get some side eye if you don’t. About the gifts thing: I would get something generic (like the afore-mentioned gift bag) and leave in the car (if you’re driving) and if others bring gifts then “OOPS!! I left something in the car.” If there are no others, then you have a happy for another gift-giving occasion.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            I recently moved from the south and I still took people at their word, and I found it frustrating when guests refused to take me at mine.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I don’t maintain friendships with people who get shitty at me when I believe them. And two of my dearest friends are Southern, and they agree with me. So.

          3. Iron Chef Boyardee*

            You don’t have to be from the South to have that problem (taking people at their word). I have Asperger’s and we tend to take people literally. which really sucks when so many phrases are just expressions not intended to be taken seriously (“how are you,” “see you soon,” “I’ll call you,” etc.) but your brain is wired to think they really mean it.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Me too; I usually have a good reason for saying I don’t want you to bring anything. Either I’ve already taken care of it or I don’t need more stuff.

      3. Iron Chef Boyardee*

        “It doesn’t matter if everyone else shows up with one, that just showed they didn’t care enough to listen.”

        Exactly. It’s like the “no brown M&Ms” clause in Van Halen’s contract rider, which everyone thinks of as the pinnacle of unreasonable rock star demands, but the band explained that they did it because it was an easy way to find out if the technical specifications of their contract had been thoroughly read and complied with. (A good, detailed explanation can be found at snopes (dot) com/fact-check/brown-out/.)

        1. Iron Chef Boyardee*

          And, again, I forgot to add a close-italics tag, and because this site doesn’t have a “preview post” button, the mistake is present for all to see. Why, Alison, why is this important feature denied to us?

    3. Feliz*

      I usually go with a nice bottle of wine or fancy chocolates – so not empty handed but not high value and easy to regift

    5. A teacher*

      Don’t bring a gift. I actually wouldn’t give a birthday gift to an adult anyway (adults usually don’t need stuff), but I know that varies a great deal in different circles.

      But if they have specifically said no gifts, definitely don’t bring one.

    7. Kuododi*

      That’s one of my bigger pet peeves. If the invite sz “no gifts”, I really did mean “no gifts!!!”.

      1. A teacher*

        Yes. If you give me a gift and I don’t want a gift, much as I appreciate the thought, you’ve really given me the gift of getting rid of something I don’t want or need, plus a mental load to carry about the waste.

        I realise I may be extreme, but if people say no gifts they have a reason.

        1. FancyPants*

          You’re not extreme. I feel the same way. I started a “no gifts holidays” policy a few years ago with my loved ones and friends because I have too much stuff and I’m trying to declutter my house. Some of the gifts I used to get were very thoughtful and useful, but most were nice but basically just more clutter. People who got me gifts after I told them no more gifts were basically gifting a burden–I had to either keep it and feel resentful I had more clutter I didn’t need, or go through the trouble of donating it and feeling guilty. It was more important for the gifter to feel good about giving a gift than to respect my totally reasonable (and cheaper for them) request. Made me feel less good about those people.

    9. The Other Dawn*

      It says “no gifts”, so don’t bring a gift. If you truly feel weird about it–though you shouldn’t–bring something small and unwrapped, like a hostess gift. Leave it in the car. If you go in and see a majority of other people have brought gifts, say you forgot something in the car and then go and grab it. If you see just one or two, then just leave it in the car and either bring it home or bring it to the next party.

      1. PhyllisB*

        The Other Dawn, I didn’t see your comment when I posted. Obviously, we think alike.

    10. Victoria, Please*

      I brought home grown tomatoes and basil one time. Generally welcome but if not then toss in the trash while cleaning up from the party.

      1. SezU*

        Oh, you can bring me home grown tomatoes and basil anytime! Just give me a heads up so I can have the mozzarella handy!

    11. Julia*

      Why would you ignore the no gift request and take something? Listen to it. If people bring a gift it doesn’t mean you were wrong it means they were wrong.

    12. Lucy*

      If they’ve gone to the trouble to say no gifts, they mean it. Definitely take a card, but give the gift of trusting their word!

      That said, I would probably contact them in advance to see if I could bring a contribution to the catering e.g. a bottle, a cake, a plate of something; or if I could be helpful in other ways e.g. picking up cousin Sam from the airport/their railway station/their house my side of town, or blowing up balloons or whatever. Again, if they said no (within cultural norms for what that looks like, including a second offer if appropriate) then I’d respect that no.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      If you MUST buy something, bring a food item. Leave it unwrapped.
      Now is also a good time to return that book you borrowed two years ago, if that is something you need to do.

      “No gifts” is not code for “bring lots of gifts”. Bring the gift of your good company, good sense of humor and willingness to help with this or that.

      1. Loz*

        What? There is no code. No gifts. No food, no nothing. It’s not ‘if you must’. It’s not about you. Respect their wish. The host will just have to deal with throwing your crap out. Why would you think food?!

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          No gifts=no food no wine no stuff.

          My friend has numerous anaphylactic food allergies in her home. She does no gift parties. Someone always shows up with a food item that can’t even be brought into the house. You know how awkward that is during a party?

          Send the gift the day before. If it’s no gift party, you will not see them open it anyway. Write a very nice hand written note afterwards on how much you enjoyed said party, and all sorts of other nice thoughts. Snail mail it. People love getting happy snail mail.

          Do something the day before or the day after if you must. The party giver will be grateful that you followed their wishes.

      2. Observer*

        Why a food item? Unwrapped makes it even worse as it creates a pressure to serve it.

        Food is actually not a terribly good gift for someone you don’t know well. At least if it’s sealed, they can re-gift it.

    14. Fran*

      Thanks everyone.
      She appreciated the Body Shop gift back.
      A few others brought flowers and a few others gift-cards and fewer other gifts.
      For the other I will go with my gut getting her a bottle of extra virgin olive oil my family produces and leave in my backpack if I feel it will not be appreciated although I doubt it.

      1. Venus*

        I think a bottle of oil (a consumable product) works well, although agreed to have it in your bag and see what happens. In my culture, ‘no gifts’ means that they don’t want to collect more things around the house. I usually don’t bring anything, but might make a donation to a charity, or maybe a bottle of wine or something (which they can regift). I wouldn’t do Body Shop only because I find those products to be a personal preference, but that’s just me. But my default is not to bring anything.

    16. MatKnifeNinja*

      Please honor the no presents request. It’s horrible for the other guests who did bring nothing, and see others bring in gifts.

      If you absolutely, positively can not stop yourself from bringing something, get a card and put in a gift card or a gift of money. You can discreetly give it to someone without being notice.

      My niece’s 5th birthday party had a no gifts request. English must be hard because I fielded so many calls on what “no gifts” means. I finally sent and email blast saying if you want to bring something, bring a gently used book to donate to the pediatric hospital waiting room.

      Honestly, you make people aggravated when you schlep a present to a no gift party. Why not send your gift the day before? I had a few people do that for my niece. It was not wanted or needed, but I was grateful I didn’t have to deal with it at the party.

      From then on, I include bring gently used blankets/books/dollar store gloves/mittens whatever for a donation to a charity as an option besides no gifts. Not because I’m that good of a person, but because some people can’t help themselves and I don’t want the other guests embarrassed.

      1. Lucy*

        A small friend of mine had a food bank collection in lieu of gifts for her fifth birthday, so she got to have a trip to the food bank the day after her party to drop off the donations. I honestly don’t think any quantity of Barbie dolls and Lego sets could have put a bigger smile on her face.

        I would gladly have no gifts ever again, but that’s socially difficult, so I tend to direct people towards consumables such as socks, tea towels or hand cream which will be daily and gratefully used until the very last ounce of life is wrung from them (because the gift version of each of those is far nicer than I would buy for myself).

      2. Lora*

        This! I collect things for a battered women’s shelter run by the local YWCA – I drive nearby about once a week anyway, it’s easy for me to drop things off. One of my friends who lives in a small cottage-size house collects gifts and donates them to the state foster care system, so kids who have just been removed from an abusive home, often with only the clothes on their backs, can get clean clothes and a toy of their own to bring to foster care.

        It’s really just, I have too much crap as it is. I have enough money. I would enjoy something like homemade olive oil or home-grown tomatoes, in that they can be used up without waste, but I have a vegetable garden and the local fancy gourmet food shop owner already knows me by name. I’m good.

    17. quirkypants*

      When someone says no presents, I don’t bring presents but if they’re hosting the party or its at someone’s home I will bring a bottle of wine or some food they might like or might serve (like chocolate or cheese or something that won’t hurt to have duplicates of).

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        I think there is a difference between dinner party/house warming open house, and a birthday party.

        I can (maybe slightly) see bringing something if the person hosting says verbally they don’t need anything. That’s the dinner party/open house.

        I never bring anything the day of a birthday/anniversary party if the invite says no gifts.

    18. HannahS*

      Bring a card. A card with a nice handwritten message, that they can either display on their mantle for a month or throw away immediately after the party, is a nice way to show that you care without burdening them with stuff that they don’t want.

    20. Clever Name*

      I am throwing myself a 40th party literally today, and the invite specifically says no gifts. I seriously mean do not bring gifts, and if someone brought a gift, I would be embarrassed. If you are close enough to her to feel moved to give her a personal gift, give it to her some other time.

    21. Lucette Kensack*

      Believe someone when they say no gifts. Especially an adult! I know opinions differ on whether birthday parties for adults are delightful or ridiculous, but certainly adults don’t need a roomful of people to bring them gifts. Be grateful she spelled it out and don’t bring anything.

    22. Parenthetically*

      Don’t get a present? It’s not a code, for goodness’ sake — take people at their word. If someone says “no presents” but secretly means “(but really get me presents or I’ll be miffed you didn’t know I actually didn’t mean it)” that person’s a jerk and deserves no friends or presents.

    23. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      If you have to bring something to a no-gift party, make it something perishable (flowers, food, drink, soap, a balloon that will deflate eventually.) That way the person gets a gift, but doesn’t have to keep the gift.

      1. Good luck with that*

        Soap? Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but the way I was brought up, giving someone soap would be a mortal insult. “Here, you obviously need this.”

        1. Grace*

          Probably a cultural hang-up on your part.

          At least in my corner of the UK, getting hand-cream, nice soap, bath bombs, body wash, etc, is a common and accepted gift for all ages. Nice soap, obviously. Something artisanal or an unusual scent. Not just a bar of Dove. But getting ‘smellies’ for birthdays or Christmas (is that UK-wide slang, or just a regional East Yorkshire thing?) is a time-honoured tradition for “I don’t know what to get this person, but I know this will get used”.

        2. Parenthetically*

          I’ve heard this too, but no one is, like, plonking down a bar of Irish Spring on the table at a birthday party! They’re buying a fancy, french-milled soap with a beautiful fragrance in a lovely dish wrapped in cellophane along with a bag of bath salts or a candle or a bottle of lotion. Anyone who interpreted that as a mortal insult is… bananas.

          (But also don’t buy gifts if people say no gifts FFS! It’s super rude to do the opposite of what the party host/birthday person asks for!)

          1. Patty Mayonnaise*

            I desperately want someone to buy me super fancy soap, because it’s the kind of thing you never buy for yourself.

    24. GibbsRule18*

      On my wedding invitations I had the following:

      No gifts please. Seriously.

      Only one guest brought a gift and it was a bottle of wine. My husband and I married when I was 51 and he was 59. We did not need any more stuff!

    25. Kathenus*

      I totally get being torn on this, but the reason people are so uncomfortable giving no gifts when the invitation clearly says ‘no gifts’ is because so many people keep bringing gifts. So this is a really low stakes way to ‘be the change you want to see’ and honor their wishes. You are not only following the person’s request, but you are helping to free everyone else on the guest list from this bizarre notion that they should still bring a gift because others might do so.

      And I get that your friend probably did like the body shop gift bag, but also, what did you expect her to do if she would have rather you not brought it? She was being nice and polite, and you were being gracious, but one internet stranger encourages you and all on this thread to fully embrace and respect no gift by not bringing anything at all.

    26. MissDisplaced*

      If I saw “no presents” I’d still take a small hostess gift or bottle of wine or the like.

    28. Anonymouse for this*

      If they said no presents take them at their word. If you absolutely feel like you need to buy something then make a donation to a charity you know they like and include that in the birthday card you give to them.

    29. KK*

      My daughter and her friends throw a Boxing Day party the day after Christmas every year. It’s a potluck. Everybody brings gifts that they receive that they don’t want to keep. Those gifts are placed under the tree. Everything is available for adoption. These parties are so much fun and feel so good! Any items that are not adopted or donate it to charity.

      Maybe you could start at the tradition with your friends, and hold Boxing Day parties the day after Christmas. Just keep a Boxing Day box in the closet.

    31. Nana*

      If you feel you MUST…give any amount to a favored charity in their name. S/he’ll get an acknowledgement card from the organization (no amount indicated).

    32. babblemouth*

      Don’t bring a gift. Some people truly have everything they need materially and have a party to enjoy the company. If you’re feeling truly weird about being empty handed, get a really really nice card.

    33. Reliquary*

      Why is it so lmnopq hard to take people at their word?

      *lmnopq is my attempt to keep my sorry abcd from cussing.

    34. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Bring a card. This kind of weird social pressure is part of why we have the endless conversation about whether or not it’s tacky to have a wedding registry or to ask for money if people insist on bringing gifts even if they are asked not to. If we just start believing that people don’t want gifts for whatever reason then maybe that whole dance can die in peace.

  6. Arya Parya*

    Does anyone here have any advise on how to treat a sore neck?

    A week ago a woke up with a painful neck and upper back. Probably slept in a weird position. No biggie, has happened to me a couple of times before. Usually it’s better after a couple of days. But now it’s been sore for a week.

    I’m getting a massage in a few hours, so I’m hoping that will help. In case it doesn’t, does anyone know any good stretches? And does anyone know how to get proper sleep? I keep waking up a few times at night, because it hurts. Tried painkillers, a different pillow, but no luck yet.

    1. Fran*

      Yoga with Adriene has nice stretches. Hot pads help with the pain. Ask your massage therapist to give you pain relief cream as well.

    2. Pony tailed wonder*

      My boyfriend bought a ‘personal massager’ for Valentine’s Day for um, romantic purposes but honestly, we get way more use out of it by massaging our backs and shoulders. It really gets the kinks out of my neck so quickly. I get headaches that start in the back left side of my head and go through to my shoulder muscles and the Hitachi relieves them in minutes. It is one of the best gifts that I have ever received, my shoulder muscles are so thankful.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        So, I haven’t used my Hitachi in years, and my partner found it yesterday and asked why I never threw it out. This is why! Thanks for the tip.

    3. WS*

      A heatpack relaxes the muscles. If all that doesn’t work, see a physiotherapist to relax it fully and give you some exercises so it doesn’t happen again.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        You can make an easy quick heat pack with dry rice & a cotton sports sock. If you sew, fill the sock untill you can just close it and zigzag the top shut.

        If you don’t sew, leave enough room at the top and tie a knot.

        Microwave it about 1 minute, the heat lasts a long time. Flexible shape, provides a little pressure for headaches, etc. Will last nearly forever if you don’t get it wet.

        You can also keep these in the freezer for gentle cooling if you find ice packs too intense.

        1. Apt Nickname*

          I once sent my spouse to the store to get rice just for this purpose! On a lighter note, when I looked up directions to make a rice sock there was an angry comment from someone that their rice sock didn’t work- it was wet and sticky when hot and solid as a rock when cold. So, you know, make sure you use UNCOOKED rice.

    4. Lena Clare*

      Google Arthritis UK neck pain and try the exercises there! They’re very helpful.

    5. YetAnotherUsername*

      Its been a week and it’s still so painful its waking you up? I think you should see a physiotherapist or a physical therapist.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      This could be anything.
      I was using glucosaime and that worked. But the doc took me off of it. (??)
      I recently found I was tipping my head oddly to read my computer screen because my glasses needed updating. The new glasses seem to be helping to ease things.
      Sleeping without a pillow has also been helpful for me.

    7. ATX Language Learner*

      I have a thinner foam roller than a normal one and will put it in different positions under my neck laying down, then I bring my head side to side over it. It’s reallllly amazing!

    8. Alex*

      That happens to me sometimes, and that acute “I slept wrong” neck pain tends to be a job for a chiro, although a skilled massage might do the trick as well.

      I’m lucky to have a great chiro around the corner from my house who does same-day appointments!

    9. Llellayena*

      It took me months and way too many wasted purchases to find the right pillow to relieve my neck/back discomfort, but it’s worth it! Keep trying different types/lofts of pillows. I also use a small pillow between my knees which helps lower back/hip pain.

    10. merp*

      In my case, alternating heat and ice helped a lot. Also, you say this has happened before so you probably know this, but mine took longer than it seemed like it should to truly feel better. I’d be feeling fine and then turn my head too quickly and do the same thing all over again. So even after you feel better, be careful with it!

    11. Llama Face!*

      I had a terrible neck pain issue a couple months ago and couldn’t get into my massage therapist right away. The most helpful thing I found was a youtube video titled “Physio Neck Exercises Stretch & Relieve Routine” by a physical therapist named Michelle Kenway. (Not putting the link to avoid moderation but you should find it easily by searching that title).
      Hope you get relief soon!

    13. Arya Parya*

      The massage was good. She found a treated quite a few knots. It’s all still sore from the massage, but feels looser. So I hope the soreness will go away soon. If it doesn’t I will definitely look into all your suggestions.

      1. Windchime*

        Lots of hot showers usually helps me. Also, when I can tell that my headaches are originating from my neck, I will sometimes sleep with a rolled towel under my neck instead of a pillow. It sounds weirdly uncomfortable but sometimes it’s just what I need to get my neck back into the correct position.

    14. MissDisplaced*

      Usually when I do this, heat, massage and ibuprofen do the trick. But my mom tweaked her neck badly some months ago and her doctor sent her to physical therapy for six sessions.

    15. Clarissa*

      Go to a minor emergency clinic. They gave me a muscle relaxer and steroids when I had that. It worked right away. (None of my home remedies even helped.)

    16. Jemima Bond*

      As others suggest, a physio may help you figure out what caused it and give exercises. When I had similar we worked out it was probably from me pushing my head forward and hurting my chin out when doing craft things (at a sewing machine or with a tray of beadwork on my lap) – like a tortoise poking its head out of its shell if that makes sense!
      If it is a muscle strain in that sort of way, ibuprofen was the advice from the doctor. I also find heat helps and I swear by Voltarol gel – not sure if you have that brand in the states but it’s a gel containing diclofenac that you apply to the painful area as opposed to a tablet you swallow. It’s good stuff. Google suggests it may be known as Voltaren in the US.

    17. Willow*

      I like the TheraCane, that green thing with the big hook and various knobs, I can get into the tight areas on the back of my neck and the ones under my shoulder blades. I was surprised that it helps as much as it does!

  7. Cows go moo*

    I just finished reading The Gift of Fear (strongly recommended reading for everyone!) It got me thinking, has anyone had a gut feeling/”premonition” that cannot be explained in any way?

    Several years ago I was overseas and had a horrible sinking feeling the whole trip. It wasn’t just a bad mood or anything I’ve experienced before or since. I was incredibly upset, in dread and fear of something I couldn’t understand, and felt like I had to go home immediately. I couldn’t rationally explain why so of course I didn’t go home until the scheduled date. As soon as I came home I discovered there was a sudden death (a freak accident) in the family shortly before I arrived. But no one had called me because they knew I was just about to return and didn’t want to cause upset on the way back to the inevitable. I still cannot explain why I went through that.

    1. Fran*

      I have read the gift of fear and I liked Zoe Quinn’s Crash Override too.
      5 years ago I had a similar feeling to what you described while hiking. There was nothing to worry about but I felt dread. The following day police who was notified by my sister discovered our friend dead in his apartment. We didn’t communicate every day so him not picking up a few calls was no biggy. But he didn’t pick my sister’s calls either and when she went to his apartment she could hear his phone ringing in his apartment although he was not answering the door nor the phone. He died from an aneurysm.

    2. Those little things.*

      Two people close to me died in my life. When my great-gran and, over a decade later, my grandmother died, the first time a light when on in the bedroom (one of those desk lamps you touch the base of to turn on, no switch needed) in the night she died, for my gran the front door of my studio opened around dawn (rationally, I’d probably forgotten to close it properly).
      When after the door incident, my dad called me in the morning, I knew exactly what he was about to say (rationally, gran had late-stage pancreatic cancer and it was a matter of a days at best).
      Complete coincidences. But, there’s also that voice whispering ‘your beloved grandma said goodbye, like her mother before her’, and that’s a comfort to me.

    3. WS*

      I was going to see a specialist doctor at a hospital I had been to five or six times before with no problems (apart from their terrible parking garage). And yet, on this one day, in a town with a simple grid layout, I couldn’t find the hospital. It took me nearly 20 minutes of driving around and around to find it and I was in tears of frustration and thinking I was going crazy.

      Then I went in to see the doctor and it turned out that my previous surgery (some years before) hadn’t been done properly and now I had to have more surgery and then radiation treatment. I had totally not expected this news, and yet something was very irrationally wrong with me before I even got there.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      I saw him on Oprah like a zillion years ago and went to the store that day. It was such a great, scary, eye opening read. I was just starting to spread my wings and needed to know to trust my gut and that it was OK to say no. I’m still wired to be a pleaser and struggle with that. I think it’s a great book for a grad/new adult.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Definitely. When my bank was shut down in 2013 I had to get another job. I was unemployed for about three months and not having any luck, though I had talked to one bank early on and turned it down: crappy commute, needed a couple months off for surgery and wasn’t willing to budge, and just didn’t want that particular job in general. An acquaintance reached out (someone who consulted for my former bank) and said she had a newly created position. I went in for the interview and was offered the job, At the same time, that other bank contacted me again with a more attractive job. I struggled with the decision a lot, but I went with the one my acquaintance offered. When I drove into the parking lot my first day, I heard a very clear voice in my head, “You took the wrong job.” I hadn’t even shut my car off yet and had a very strong gut feeling that I made the wrong decision. Turned out I was right. It was the worst 10 months of my working life. Everything about that job was wrong and I basically cried every single morning in the shower. It really shook my confidence and made me doubt my decision-making skills. I eventually moved on to a much better place…which was sold last year so had to start looking again. I got a good job, though eventually I’d like to be out of banking and onto the vendor side.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I also have had dreams of something happening and it turns out that something very similar happened to someone I know that same night or weekend.

        Once I dreamed that I spit two of my teeth into my hand. The next day my coworker comes in and tells me that her granddaughter had to go to the ER the night before. She and her friends were playing with a BB gun. It accidentally went off and shot two of her teeth out.

        Another time–a Friday night–I dreamed that I knocked on my friend’s front door. When she answered, she told me that her father had died. On Monday morning, I was told that our EVP would be out for a couple days because her father had died. When I talked to her later in the week I asked her when he had died. She said Friday night.

    7. Best cat in the world*

      I found some of the information in that book interesting but I didn’t finish it because some of his attitudes really bothered me.

      I tend to rely on my gut a lot, especially at work. There have been a few patients that I’ve been to where I’ve not been able to put my finger on what’s wrong but I’ve just had a nagging feeling that they need to be in hospital and fairly sharpish. Trying to explain that one over a radio can be interesting!!

      1. Overeducated*

        I’m glad you do! I would want medical personnel to use their gut that way if I were a patient…sometimes it takes the brain more time to figure out what ghe gut was seeing.

      2. Vanellope*

        I think I’ve read that he comes from a domestic violence background, ie, his dad abused his mom throughout his childhood. Because of that he does carry some twisted views/judgement toward women who stay in that situation, even though the rest of his work is excellent (trusting your gut, etc). From what I can tell the general consensus is that the DV chapters are trash, but the rest is helpful.

        1. Best cat in the world*

          Yeah, it was the DV bits that I had a problem with.

          @Overeducated. I think it’s actually something that we use a lot more than we realise.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      We are supposed to have intuition, it’s necessary for our survival.

      I had gotten a new-to-me car. The windshield was pitted from years of road salt and other crap. I decided that I wanted to tap my glass coverage and get a new windshield. My good friend said, “Oh, you don’t really need to do that!” And I dug my heals in for no obvious reason. “I am doing this.” (He meant well, but he was not viewing the situation from my exact perspective.)

      The man came to replace my windshield. My friend happened to come over as the process was unfolding. As the man removed my old windshield he informed me that the windshield was so loose that it was ready to fall out.
      I could have been seriously injured or worse.
      Here’s the deal, I had no way of knowing the windshield was getting ready to fall out. All I knew is that something inside me kept pushing me to get a new windshield. In the past, when I have ignored that push, it has always gone badly.

      Another time I had that feeling of being pushed, I refi’ed my house. My mortgage payment dropped by 55%. I had no idea why I was feeling pushed to refi. All I could say was, “I have to hurry up and get this done.” The next thing that happened was the economy plummeted.

      My wise friend used to say, pay attention to the times you think your intuition is telling you something. Try to learn to discern what is intuition and what is just over-worry. Intuition feels differently than over-worry. But we have to teach ourselves the difference. One way is to check how we feel and match that to outcomes. How did I feel before the windshield was replaced? How did I feel AFTER the windshield was replace? Yeah, it was day and night difference. I found out the reason for the push, sometimes our intuition pushes us and we never learn the reason why. That can be a little confusing.

      1. Observer*

        The windshield story is a perfect example of the idea that sometimes we pick up clues that our brain can’t quite process explicitly.

        In your case, it’s pretty obvious from a distance what was pushing you to fix that windshield. You were seeing clues that the windshield had suffered a lot of wear and tear, enough to cause significant damage. If that’s the case what other HIDDEN damage might there be?

        To be honest as I was reading your story, I was thinking “I bet the windshield shatters as the repair guy is taking it out.” It’s not for nothing that car insurance pays for these replacements without too much fuss.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I do agree that much of what is attributed to ESP, etc, is actually a fairly logical deduction.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      @ Cows go moo.

      The night the Titanic sank, people all over the US had dreams of people in a large body of water, screaming for help. My great grandmother was one of those people. In the morning she told her daughter (my great aunt) about her dream.
      Her doctor did not allow her to look at news. So Great Grandma had no way of knowing what had actually happened.

      Sometimes tragedy has its own energy.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I remember the day the Challenger exploded; I was sleeping in, but woke up suddenly and went straight to the TV, a thing I didn’t normally do. I turned it on and saw what happened.
        Did the same thing on 9/11.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I got up really early on 9/11, which was extraordinarily weird for me at the time. But I turned off the TV just before it happened and didn’t find out until later that afternoon.

    10. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Ok, this is total voodoo. My parents were in their 80’s, been married for 60 years etc. Dad had what the autopsy revealed a kidney cancer that had metastased into his brain. At first he had a face paralysis like a stroke, then he started having the record on, then swapping the records and finally all the records were stuck. Mom had been poorly with a chronic acid reflux so she wasn’t eating anyways and was worried on top. So finally we got dad into the hospital as he was getting violent, well, uncontrollable, he deteriorated in your eyes. Mom also was admitted, and they were in the same ward but different rooms. Mom is in an IV drip and a few days pass and something like 03 am one night she buzzes the night nurse and really insists she needs to go see dad down the hall. The nurse is telling her to sleep but mom is adamant. So she goes with the IV drip roller and when she gets to his bed, dad takes the last breath. We went in the morning and all the nurses were at shift change and giving us looks and my mom was a bit sheepish of all the attention ”I just knew I had to be there”.

      Come to think of it I remember grandma putting the kettle on because people were coming because of the announcing spirit, and then the people came after a while. But I was so small then I didn’t find it at all odd she had premonitions like that.

    11. Nervous Nelly*

      Yes. I have an anxiety disorder lol!!! I can trust my gut anymore because it’s ALL doom and gloom.

      1. Madge*

        Yep, me too. I still try and listen to the feelings of dread but they’re usually anxiety. But my intuition usually speaks in a different way. It’s sort of like how anxiety will create all sorts of drama in my head over imagined social gaffes I’ve made but be completely silent over the real ones.

        But one time I was at a party and met a man who terrified me and I don’t know why. Still don’t because I stayed away from him.

        I also had an acquaintance in college who was perfectly nice but for some reason I had a feeling that I shouldn’t trust her and was proven right.

        And one time I tested my intuition. Just after college I accepted a retail management job on a Friday and felt sick to my stomach almost immediately after and for the whole weekend. So on Monday I rescinded my acceptance based only on that feeling. Then I took a part time job there and hated it. That place would have driven me crazy and was full of disfunction. That experience taught me to trust my intuition.

      2. Sylvan*

        Me too. I have good gut instincts in a couple of areas, but overall I’m paranoid and a lot of my defensive instincts don’t need to be listened to.

    12. Vendelle*

      One morning I was at work and at 8.25, just before my first client would arrive, I started to cry uncontrollably. Well, my client showed up, I worked with them for the allotted time (30 mins). After they had left, I checked my phone and sure enough, I had a missed phone call. I called back and got my dad on the line, who told me that my maternal grandmother had died that morning at 8.25.

    13. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Obviously this isn’t a really serious one, but before and during our vacation last month I was *certain* we were going to have car trouble. And sure enough, a part of our exhaust system failed 30 miles into the 250 mile trip home. We made it home, but boy, was that unpleasant.
      I’m going to think much more positively before our next trip.

      BTW, I’m in the minority here, but I found The Gift of Fear almost useless. Like another commenter above, I couldn’t get past the arrogant tone of the author.

      1. random color*

        I’m with you on The Gift of Fear. I couldn’t get past the scenarios where he pointed to the woman ignoring her intuition, and bad things happen. But he never seemed to consider that the woman may not have the “bad vibes” intuition. I mean, it’s Friday, you get into the elevator with some guy, what if you’re not thinking about him at all? And then he follows you to your apt and rapes you….. is it your fault you were thinking of something else? I guess it felt victim-blamey to me: if you don’t follow your intuition it’s your fault, and if you don’t have intuition it’s *also* your fault.

        1. Anon Librarian*

          I agree. You also don’t always have options. Sometimes the person giving off bad vibes is a co-worker or neighbor or someone else you can’t avoid. You can ramp up your standard safety measures, but if it’s only a feeling and there’s no hard evidence, you can’t report them. You have to keep living next to them, working with them, or whatever the situation is. (Myself, I always look for evidence – things I can point to, explanations for the feeling, but it’s often not enough to be actionable.)

          1. Observer*

            Sure, something there is nothing you can report – but at least DO ramp up your safety measures, whatever they may be. And *DO* look for evidence, and present it when you can!

            That’s a step a LOT of people don’t take for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes it’s internal, and sometimes it’s external. And it’s important to know that it IS absolutely OK to push back when you have that feeling.

        2. Observer*

          I haven’t read the book, but I have listened to him speak.

          If you don’t have an intuition, you don’t have it. His point, from what I have seen and heard, is that if you DO have an intuition, LISTEN TO IT.

          We all know that sometimes people don’t have good options, and sometimes they just don’t have the sense that there is a problem. But, we also know (look in the archives here for TONS of examples) that people – especially women – are often reluctant to listen to their gut, and even when they do want to listen to their gut, they are discouraged and dismissed.

          His main point is that if you have an intuition listen to it! It’s FINE! You’re not being “bitchy”, mean, hysterical or any of the other ridiculous adjective women get tossed at them. And you’re not imagining things, overthinking etc. either.

    14. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

      Not sure this fits but I’ll toss this out here. Probably more of a Halloween story. I was recently fired from my church job, but this story concerns the senior pastor’s (who fired me) office – I think there is something very wrong. Several times, the door has been open when it should have been shut and locked; I’ve come back after I know the light was off to find it on again.

      The most recent one is the most intense. The pastor had me get his door rekeyed with just three keys after finding his door open repeatedly. It was Friday, no one else there with a key besides me, and I had shut and locked up everything, then had need to leave the office for about ten minutes to go to a different room. And came back for my things to find the door open about a foot. I know this makes me sound like a nut, but I swear…. there is something going on. And he brought it, whatever it is. I asked, and nothing odd has ever happened before.

      My intution is telling me he has hurt someone badly, badly enough to cause…. things.

    15. MMB*

      I read The Gift of Fear year’s ago and although it’s not perfect, I still think it’s something every woman should read. :)

    16. Peacemaker*

      I’ve had De Becker’s book on my to read list for years, and finally read it a few weeks ago. It reminded me of when I used to ride a motorcycle. Occasionally, I would get on for my commute or for a weekend ride, and a strong feeling would come over me saying “not today.” On the advice of other bikers, and because of past experiences of my own, I always paid attention to that quiet voice, and took the car instead. Usually I had no idea why that premonition occurred, but a couple of times, subsequent experiences showed me what likely would have happened that would have been catastrophic on the bike, but were inconsequential in the car. The last of those convinced me to sell the bike and take a break from riding for a while. I may go back to it some day, but not yet.

    17. cat socks*

      Last year my husband and I were on a week long vacation in Europe. One evening we were trying out a new restaurant. While we were there I felt incredibly sad. I went to the bathroom and cried for no discernable reason. A few days later when we were at the airport waiting to fly home, I got a call from my pet sitter that my tabby boy had passed away. He had heart disease and died of heart failure.

    18. Ann*

      This happened to me this past spring. I was riding in the car with my husband through an unfamiliar area and saw a person standing outside an old church. They started straight at me as we drove by and it gave me a very bad feeling. When we got to our destination, a crowded garden nursery, I kept feeling as though people were looking at me in a very strange way. Not as if I had my shirt inside out or something; more like there was some cloud of bad energy around me. I started to feel this strange feeling of dread I’ve never felt before. It was so unnerving. I know it sounds nuts, and I’m not a woo-woo person whatsoever.

      Two days later the cloud still hadn’t lifted. I had the overwhelming feeling that something terrible was about to happen. And then on my commute, just a few cars in front of me, a man was struck and killed on the highway as he tried to retrieve something that had fallen off his truck. His son was on the side of the highway watching. It was a horrible tragedy. I saw him lying dead in the road and I immediately felt the feeling lift and a sureness that this was the event I had been dreading. I have no idea why I had this connection to the event in advance, but something was going on there.

      1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        How scary and sad :(
        Resonates with me right now because I woke up today feeling sad for no reason—like something in the universe wasn’t quite right, like maybe my elderly aunt or grandmother—like something happened.

        Then just now, one of my shoes completely fell apart for no reason. Luckily hubs was in the area and got spare shoes. Not a danger/sad/scary story. Though it would’ve torpedoed my plans this afternoon and been a possible safety hazard (not having functioning shoes, not able to run in said shoes, burning/injuring feet on 100 degree pavement)…

    19. Anon weird dreamer*

      I once had a dream that someone knocked on my door late at night. I answered through the door and they asked for money. I said no, never opened the door. And then later saw them in a car in my driveway. Keep in mind all of this was in the dream.

      Next day I get home from work and someone had kicked in the front door and robbed the place. Too weird.

      1. Windchime*

        I had a similar thing happen, only it was years apart. I was living in a rental house at the time, and I dreamed that someone was pounding on the door, saying something that I couldn’t understand. I opened the door, and the person jumped inside and grabbed me. It was terrifying.

        Some years later, that exact thing happened. I woke up to someone pounding on the door. I was confused (half-awake), thought it was my teenage son coming home and I opened the door, only to have it be a drunk stranger who pushed inside and grabbed me. Everything turned out OK, but it was creepy how the dream that I had years ago ended up happening.

    20. k8pages*

      I have learned to follow my intuition when it comes to my health. A few years ago I was dealing with some symptoms and my thyroid numbers were borderline, so the doctor prescribed Synthroid. I was optimistic and really hoped it would help, it works well for my mom. After about a week, I noticed that taking the pill each morning was making me furious. I was angry and resentful and I stomped and grumbled around all morning, every morning, mad at the world and at that little pill. It was totally irrational, I could not explain it! After about 6 weeks, I went back to the doctor and sure enough, the Synthroid had made my thyroid numbers worse, not better. I went off it immediately and the sunshine came back to my life. Now I pay close attention when my body speaks to me!

    21. OhBehave*

      Yes. When I was a teen, I worked with my sister in our church office. The priest was close to our family, saw them through the death of my other sister, dad helped build the church, we were a fixture in the church as we always served, etc. He always gave me the heebie jeebies. I never knew why but I did not want to be alone with him (this was the mid 70’s). Ten years later my sister told us that he had been emotionally and sexually abusing her for YEARS. Since she was 13 until well into adulthood. He was a very influential man in our area. I finally realized why I felt the way I did.

      1. Observer*

        That makes me SOOO sad (and mad). This is the template for SOOO many of the stories of abuse, and it’s just soooo horrible that people like that could get away with it.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      This is relevant to that book and will scare you. It scares me even now when I think about it.

      Back in the early 1990s, when I was young and stupid, I went on a date with a guy I’ll just call Fergus. He took me out for sushi and then he wanted to show me the place where he was setting up a new business (we’d talked about that at dinner).

      This was before cell phones, or I would have texted someone where and with whom I was going. But of course I didn’t have that or think about it, because when you’re that age, nothing can possibly happen to you, right?

      So we walked several blocks to his place, a small storefront with a glass door, a plate glass window covered with mini-blinds, some of his work stuff and a bunch of shelving. Fergus showed me what he wanted to do (I forget what it was) and we leaned on the big work table there and continued chatting. Somehow, he landed on the subject of his ex, who had done him wrong. I think there was a child involved that he wasn’t being allowed to see, and his whole demeanor changed.

      When we first went in, he had locked the door, explaining that he didn’t want anyone to see the lights on and wander in looking for a bathroom or anything. So now I’m in this locked room with a man who had gone from pleasant to sullen to angry.

      I made appropriate sympathetic noises. Fergus asked me if I wanted to stay over. I said no, I didn’t feel comfortable doing that so soon. Fortunately, he didn’t push. We moved from the work table to the front.

      I can’t remember exactly what Fergus said next, but something came out of his mouth at that point that gave me the worst vibe I’d ever had in my life. It was so bad I could see it in my head — it was utterly black, shot with red veins, and I knew I was in actual, physical danger. I remember thinking, If he comes at me, and I hit that plate glass window hard enough, I think I could go through it. The blinds will protect me.Everything depended on my reaction. Rationally or not, I felt that if I showed even the slightest bit of fear, I would die.

      To this day I don’t know how, but I stayed calm and just kept talking mildly. It seemed to take forever for the vibe to ebb. Eventually, it did and I told Fergus I should probably get on home. He asked if he could walk me back and I said, no no, it’s fine, I’ll be fine, thanks for dinner, and I’ll see you around.

      I left that place and vowed that I would never ever EVER go out with Fergus again. I saw him later, at my work, and he asked me if I wanted to hang out, but I said no, I didn’t really think we had much in common and I didn’t want to. To his credit, he didn’t make a fuss.

      I always wondered what really happened in that relationship. And I am not gonna lie; I kept an eye on the paper for a while afterward, thinking I’d see something awful, but I did not.

    23. Sami*

      Oh yes. Many years ago I interviewed with a family to be their nanny. After I had moved in, I just kept getting a bad feeling about the situation. A few days later I called my parents to come and get me. I don’t know what it was exactly and never heard from them again so perhaps they were a fine family. But I just knew I couldn’t stay here.

      Second time, I was house hunting with my Mom when she wanted to downsize to a condo. We walked into one place. Two-three minutes later I turned around and walked out. There was just a bad aura, spirit, whatever in there.

    24. Anon Librarian*

      Yes. That’s happened to me too. Not just with events, but also with people. Sometimes, someone just gives off a really bad vibe and it makes me want to get away from them ASAP, but I can’t rationally point to anything to explain it. But if I stick around, it almost always turns out to be accurate – that they are indeed doing something creepy and have bad intentions. Trust those instincts and stay safe!

    25. Willow*

      I was driving home one day wondering how grandma was doing after her stroke, and when I got home, my mom called to tell me she had died. And once I was wondering how someone’s husband was doing with his brain tumor, and when I got to the obituaries in the newspaper, he was listed.

    26. Catherine from Canada*

      I starting having a recurring nightmare that my 2 year old was in the water. I could see his blond hair disappearing into the dark water. I’d dive and dive but I could never reach him. The dream happened in various places, a beach, a lake, a pool, but always with the same view of his blond hair disappearing. I’d wake up screaming and thrashing, it would take my husband ages to calm me down.
      Then my in-laws bought a house on a small lake. Understandably, I was adamant, insistent, vigilant that the children not go near the water without an adult!
      The next spring, their grandfather took them down to the lake as part of a walk. Son, being almost three now, ran ahead and out onto the rotten ice. It collapsed and he went through!
      Grandfather leapt after him and caught his hair as his head disappeared under the water. (I’m getting the shakes just typing this out….)
      And I haven’t had the nightmare since.

    27. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Not quite the same but a friend of mine who writes a “mommy blog” had an interesting post on so-called women’s intuition. She said that it’s not that women are magically more in tune with children and thus inherently more adept at caring for them. Rather they tend to spend more time with children and thus learn the subtle differences between crying because of hunger, tiredness, or what have you.

      I think it’s the same thing with any other kind of expertise. You have encountered a particular situation enough to recognise that the windshield is loose or the person you are talking to is irrational, even if you can’t articulate the cues you have noticed.

  8. Jarffe*

    So I’m seriously starting to think I might have adhd and I was just wondering about what the next step might be. I’m an adult and I think I would like to get a diagnosis and treatment but it just all seems so overwhelming. It’s really starting to affect my life but when I consider taking to someone I just get embarrassed because I’ve managed ok so far so I think I should just continue to muddle through it. After reading some of the previous posts on here I just wanted to know people’s experiences with getting diagnosed as an adult if anyone is ok with sharing.

    1. Big Sis*

      “I’ve managed ok so far so I think I should just continue to muddle through it.”
      Be kind to yourself. If you discovered your feet were always full of blisters because you always got the wrong shoe size, would you force yourself to keep walking in pain because you’ve managed to tough it out until now? You’re not taking away anything from anybody by getting help, on the contrary, the better you feel, the more you feel up to accomplishing, the more you can give.
      I won’t patronize you by trying to talk your shame away, I’ll just point out that you’re already feeling bad for not being on top of things.
      As the sister of someone who got a diagnosis as an adult, I suggest you get a loved/trusted person to help you and keep you accountable by, say, taking and accompanying you to appointments.

      With my brother (that I took to his first appointments after he told me he probably should get diagnosed, but wasn’t sure he should because it wasn’t ‘that bad’, in that, he did manage to hold a job and a not-too-messy house, just by expending 3x the energy an average person would, which was turning him into a ball of anxiety, exhaustion, and low self-confidence), he got referred to a psychiatrist by his main doctor (I’m not in the US FWIW) and he had to go to a couple of sessions to establish that the diagnosis was likely, and then three months of weekly sessions in order to confirm/refine the diagnosis and figure out what medical and behavioral solutions would work for him. This was recommended, not compulsory, but the out-of pocket cost was reasonable and the time slots compatible with his job.
      He was put on medication half-way through. He then kept with monthly appointments for six months, and now he goes once every six months to check in. He says it changed his life, and from where I’m standing, he’s a much happier person and more on top of things.

    2. OhGee*

      Hi! I did the earlier this year. I’m in my late 30s and have suspected I might have ADHD all my life, especially because my mom was also diagnosed as an adult. I found a private practice psychiatric nurse who helped me figure out a path to pursue, because I didnt have a primary doctor at the time, though you could go through your regular doctor, if you have one. The nurse suggested talk therapy (I also had symptoms of depression and anxiety) and a neuropsych evaluation, which luckily my insurance covered. The place that did the eval mostly works with children, and the testing conducted of three appointments (1 hour intake conversation, 3-ish hours of testing with a doctor, 1 hour results conversation). The tests were thorough and exactly like some similar testing I had as a child. Based on the results, my psych nurse recommended a medication to try, and I’ve been taking it for about a month – it will take a few months to see if it’s having a significant effect.

      And by the way, I thought I should just muddle through, too. Friends being open about their mental health treatments really helped me start the process. Give it a shot.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      tl;dr: Yes it’s possible to survive, even thrive, after adult diagnosis.

      Longer version: My diagnosis at age fifty-plus wasn’t super-formal. When circumstances forced me to improve, quickly, my skills (in communication, prioritization, and management of time and detail) I ran myself through a “do you have ADHD/ADD” checklist, then told my therapist my score was off-the-charts YES! Since then I’ve worked steadily to improve small habits and routines. It’s not overwhelming if you just keep chipping away. (As with any other life project, be determined, but also give yourself time for rest, sleep, nutrition, and exercise.) The good part about surviving other life crises is that you can apply lessons learned to the next situation. And there is always a next situation.

      Best reaction: I told one friend who replied, “No kidding!”

      Taking meds is a personal decision based on each individual’s medical history and specific situation. I’m not an expert in the area of brain chemistry; I would say neither dismiss the option immediately nor rely only on medication.

      Resources:
      -website of CHADD (U.S. nationwide membership and advocacy organization on ADHD/ADD; lists local chapters; offers books and magazines; has an annual meeting for professionals and ordinary folks)
      -authors Kathleen Nadeau and Edward (Ned) Hallowell (there are many others); I found my checklist in “ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life” by Kolberg & Nadeau
      -depending on where you live you may find the topic addressed in public lectures organized by parent groups, public or private schools or PTAs; programs sponsored by public libraries or professional practices (educational psychologists, psychiatrists, other counselors, therapists, specialists, etc.)

      Like anything else once you get interested you’ll have your antennae up for information on the topic. Good wishes.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      Wrote a long reply that seemed to vanish…
      short version: Welcome to the club. I figured this out well past age 50. Resources:
      – Authors Kathleen Nadeau, PhD and Edward (Ned) Hallowell, MD. I found a helpful “do I have it?” checklist in “ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life” by Kolberg & Nadeau.
      -Organizations: CHADD (in the U.S.; might have some international presence; check their web site lists of state/local/regional chapters) offers info online, publications, subscriptions, membership to professionals and ordinary folks, and an annual meeting
      – Local resources: you may find presentations organized by schools (public or private–especially schools for kids with different learning styles), parent groups, professional groups, or maybe the public library or local bookstore
      – Medications: I’m no expert, so I’ll just say neither dismiss the idea nor rely totally on meds to solve all problems. There’s a real component of self-improvement here (think about what’s a problem, identify ways to change it, work to learn new habits/routines) but also take time for self-care (rest, nutrition, water, exercise).

      Good wishes. It can be a pain in the neck but there are worse problems.

    5. EinJungerLudendorff*

      I too thought I was doing OK because my life didn’t resemble a plane crashing into a dumpster fire most of the time.
      Then I took psychiatry sessions for some recurring mental issues and found out that “OK” meant “in a constant state of mental overload, shame, self-hatred and gradual mental collapse”.

      It’s very easy to get caught up in the idea of being “normal”, that your life is the way it’s supposed to be, and rationalize all of your feelings and struggles through that.
      Sure, you might be barely keeping your head above water, but that’s “normal”. You might be feeling overwhelmed, but that’s “normal”. You may be constantly filled with anxiety, but that’s “normal”.

      And if you realize it maybe isn’t “normal”, it’s very easy to blame yourself for it. After all, your life is normal, you’re supposed to be able to do this right? And if you can’t, then it must be your fault. Because if only you did X, this wouldn’t be a problem. Why can’t you just do X?

      All of which can be an excellent smokescreen to hide the fact that your life right now isn’t normal, that your struggles aren’t supposed to be this bad, and that your constantly recurring problems are much deeper rooted than in some vague personality flaw.

    6. Old Biddy*

      Thank you for posting this – I’m in the same situation at age 50 and am going to ask my primary care physical for advice or a referral. Peri-menopause hit last year, my parents are both having major health issues, and I’m working on a lot of completely unrelated projects at work. My mild absent-minded professor tendencies have completely taken over and I am driving myself and others up the wall.

    7. Anonymous St Irregular*

      Here’s my experience. It was very straightforward in a practical sense, though of course there were conflicting emotions. Extremely beneficial to know, and I did choose to medicate, which has been a great help to me & my family.

      Also helpful to understand how some of my co-morbid health issues relate, and treating one helps the others. For example, sleep disorders and autoimmune disease are far more comfortable mkin in people with ADHD than in the general population. Like for sleep problems, it’s 30 percent general, but 70 percent for ADHDers.

      http://ragingadhd.com/best-way-discover-adult-adhd

    8. Booksalot*

      If you can’t convince yourself that you “deserve” help with something that skirts around mental wellness, consider the long-term physical effects of untreated ADD/ADHD. Many sufferers have severe sleep disorders, self-medicate with drugs or alcohol (even mildly, not just illegal substances), or develop memory problems very young.

      Some studies are suggesting correlation between ADD/ADHD and dementia. The overactive parts of the brain in ADD/ADHD are the same areas that show plaque build-up after dementia diagnosis. Disrupted sleep is also known to heavily influence dementia. This tracks VERY strongly in my family: the men start developing symptoms of Alzheimer’s by their early fifties, and their younger years are a tornado of ADD/ADHD symptoms that only began to get diagnosed in the past ten years.

      Choosing to take steps to get your symptoms under control may literally save your mind.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        There’s some recent research suggesting that undiagnosed sleep disorders may be a major contributor to ADHD, or that both are symptoms of some systemic disorder that’s not yet understood.

    9. Nacho*

      If you’ve managed so far, I recommend thinking bout what exactly you want medicating your ADHD to do for you. Is there anything in particular you need the extra attention span for? Anything you’re having trouble with because you can’t sit still? If not, you might want to consider leaving well enough alone.

      I was diagnosed in college and started taking meds, and I didn’t like how they made me feel. The extra attention just made time drag on, and I missed how much more enjoyable my life was when my mind was free to wander. ADHD isn’t for everybody, but it’s also not something you should just automatically discount as a disease to get rid of first chance you get.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Having first gotten medicated as an adult, I really notice the different states of consciousness that happen on meds vs off meds. To me, that’s a positive thing. The meds are a tool for when I need to accomplish certain things.

        It’s not like taking antidepressants or blood pressure drugs, where you need to maintain levels in your system for them to work. You can just take them when you need them.

        I take at least 1 day off per week, if not the whole weekend. Otherwise they start interfering with my sleep.

        If I need to really free-associate for a creative project, I’ll work on it early, before taking my pill. Or if it’s a day to chill with the kids, or if we’re traveling and I need to go with the flow, I skip taking them.

        When I need to function efficiently in overstimulating places (like doing a big Costco run) or hunker down and get.shit.done. for work, it’s Adderall time.

    10. Adult ADHDer*

      I was diagnosed 2 years ago, at age 44, when I returned to college and couldn’t manage to make myself study or do anything until the very last possible minute, even though I’m a smart, generally competent (at work at least) adult.

      With the help of the doctors at my college student health clinic, I started testing out the different meds. Over the course of one year, I tried six different versions of simulant medication, and wound up on a combination of mostly Vyvanse and a tiny bit of Ritalin.

      Now? My brain is quiet, without a second track running a negative commentary or worrying about things that might go wrong in the future. I’ve filed all of my taxes (back to 2008). I clean major chunks of the house and go on organizing sprees. I chose a project, start it, and often finish it in one day because I can stay focused.

      My life would have been so much better if I’d figured this out in my 20s… But it is never too late! Good luck!

      1. Ermintrude*

        I do love the sound of this – maybe all my amazingly successful and together friends are just that way because their brain works better. Although that sounds like such a Massive excuse

    11. Lobsterp0t*

      Definitely don’t just keep muddling through. Get a referral from your GP if you need to, or just go to a psychiatrist who can diagnose you using DIVA, which is the current standard diagnostic tool.

      If you can’t do those things then talk to your GP if you have one – if you don’t the adhd subreddit has a lot of advice

  9. Pony tailed wonder*

    At work today, a work friend spoke about a co-workers party that they had assumed I was invited to. I was not. I am an introvert (plus strangely enough I have other plans for tonight) and I would have declined the invitation but how in the world do you politely tell someone that they probably shouldn’t be speaking about it in front of me. I just changed the subject. My nose was out of joint for several minutes though. I like both co-workers just fine, it is just one of those minor awkward moments that crop up every so often.

    1. Lena Clare*

      They have every right to speak about it in front of you. I think you can’t say for them to stop. Maybe chat about your plans too?

          1. Anon Introvert*

            You seem to believe there’s a secret coworker party and you’re not part of the in crowd.
            That sounds very middle-school and it sucks.
            ” am an introvert (plus strangely enough I have other plans for tonight) and I would have declined the invitation ”
            Then why would people invite you when they figure you’re not interested? It’s no fun to hear ‘no’ all the time for people who invite you either. Unless you’re the intern or a new hire, they don’t owe you an official invite after a several consecutive nos unless you’ve expressely said you enjoy being told.

            Why would they not talk about in in front of you, since they figure you’re not excluded, just not participating? There’s no reason they’d think it’d offend you. They probably think you don’t care, and that you don’t like them enough to bother hanging out after work either way (and I say this as a fellow introvert who skips most of the events).

            If you want to check whether there’s deliberate exclusion going on, or just people lazily not informing you because they figure you’ll say no, just express some enthusiasm at the idea of going to a party another time.

            2. Iron Chef Boyardee*

              “‘am an introvert (plus strangely enough I have other plans for tonight) and I would have declined the invitation’
              Then why would people invite you when they figure you’re not interested? “

              If they presume he wouldn’t want to go because he’s introverted, that’s one thing.

              But how would they know he’d decline not because of any introvert-related concerns but because he already had other plans?

              1. Upstater-ish*

                My daughter is introverted and shy but would go to a party if invited. I was brought up not to talk about a party in front of someone who wasn’t invited.

          2. Lena Clare*

            Mmm then just act as if you’re not bothered by it, say something like “that sounds nice, I hope you have fun! Next time you guys do x,y,z I’d love to come along”, and then change the subject or talk about your plans a bit, just in a normal to-and-fro conversation.

        2. Julia*

          I don’t know. I think the rule is if you invite a certain number of people, you either invite everyone or at least keep it on the downlow. I get why Pony tailed wonder would be bothered by it a bit.

      2. Liane*

        Actually, Lena, per Miss Manners, it is still bad manners to talk about events in front of people who aren’t invited–yes, even in this era of social media. But it sounds like this was unintentional, where the coworker assumed Pony Tailed was invited.

        Pony Tailed, I would ignore it, unless the invitees keep babbling about it.

      3. Lilysparrow*

        It sounds like this was not something overheard in passing, but that the friend brought it up in conversation with OP.

        Which was accidental, and not rude, per se, but tactless and awkward.

      4. Good luck with that*

        The idea is that it’s OK not to invite everybody to everything, but don’t rub their noses in it by talking about it in front of them.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I wouldn’t say anything; however, if someone asks you outright if you’re going, then I think it’s OK to say, “No, I wasn’t invited” and leave it at that.

      That happened to me at a place I volunteer. There’s a small core group of volunteers that have been around since the rescue was founded, so they’re generally friends, too. A couple of them were talking about a fellow volunteer’s wedding they were all invited to. One of them asked me if I was going and I told her, “No, I wasn’t invited.” She got really embarrassed and didn’t know what to say, and basically just apologized and walked away. I didn’t necessarily feel slighted that I wasn’t invited, since these volunteers had been together for several years before I started, but it was still awkward.

    3. Bad Brain*

      I get it can be awkward to hear about a party you weren’t invited to. The majority of my friend group is pretty close so recently I thought everyone was invited to a friend’s birthday party. I was hanging out with some friends before the party but when I mentioned about heading over there from our current activity, only half had been invited to the party. It was definitely a bit awkward and I felt bad for bringing it up but these things happen.

      1. Lilith*

        Something similar happened at a great niece’s wedding. My brother -in-law (not part of the wedding party) asked where my kid was. Well my kid (let’s call her Shelby) wasn’t invited to second cousin Christy’s wedding even tho my brother -in-law’s kid was. They are second cousin s too. It was weird & we live about the same distance from the wedding. Shrug. Fortunately it didn’t bother Shelby. Still bothers me!

    4. Coco*

      Do you make a point of inviting the host to do things? Have you declined the host’s invitations previously? If I issue 2 invitations and there’s no reciprocity / acceptance/ interest, I stop inviting someone. I don’t want to come off as pushy.
      It isn’t always easy to know who has been invited to something and who hasn’t. I don’t think the friend or the host did anything wrong. If you want to be invited to more events (as an introvert I’m grateful to be excluded), you may need to reach out more.

      1. Pony tailed wonder*

        I have never been invited by the host but he has known me for years. I do tend to skip going to parties, but I go when the whole office is doing it.

        I do hope they have a good time.

  10. QT*

    One of my local theatres is closing. And I’m far more broken up about it than I reasonably should be.
    Technically, it’s not even closing, just renovating, but once that’s done it’ll be very different to what it was. Objectively speaking it’ll probably be better, but that doesn’t make me feel any less sad.
    It’s not like I was ever involved in theatre, here or anywhere else. But that place meant a lot to me and I have a lot of memories associated with it.
    And yes, no one can take those experiences away, but damn it’s going to hurt walking past that familiar place and knowing it’s not really ‘there’ anymore.
    Yeah, it’s silly to be so sentimental over something like this. I can’t really talk to anyone about it, so I’m just venting here I guess.

    1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      Don’t feel bad about mourning a change in a place that’s important to you. Different people feel passionate about different things.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. A used book store closed by me. I was heartbroken. Grief is not just for deaths. It’s for losses of any sort. People can grieve a lost ring or a lost house and so on. Sometimes things just hit us hard.

    2. T. Boone Pickens*

      I can sympathize with you as I drive by the old children’s theater I went to a ton as a kid that is now all boarded up a couple times a month. While the initial twinge of sadness is a bit of bummer a wave of nostalgia usually floods over me shortly thereafter and it always makes me smile because it brings back a lot of really fun childhood memories.

    3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I’m still upset about the closing of my favorite Indian restaurant, and its been over 3 years!
      But on a happy note, I just found out that (some of) the family that ran it opened a new place last month! oh boy!

    5. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I understand how you feel. When our local theatre burned while being restored, I cried. It was the only theatre in the area that was good enough for the medium-sized theatre productions, ballet companies and artists that don’t need complicated setups. I even keep the ticket of the last show I saw there.

    6. misspiggy*

      I felt like that when our city’s beautiful Victorian library closed last year due to funding cuts. Now half the businesses in that part of town have gone due to the reduced footfall, so it feels even worse.

      I hate the feeling that elements of a civilised society are falling apart and disappearing.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I know how that is. Someone torched the church I attended as a kid, and although they renovated it, it’s not the same at all now on the inside or the outside. I saw a picture of it online and the new design looks like the inside of a boat. :\ It’s nice, but it’s not the same.

      I don’t want to see what the people who own my old childhood house did with it either. I know the barn is now gone. :( I wonder if that pissed off the ghost (the barn was haunted). I still dream about those places sometimes and in my head, they look the same.

      It’s okay to feel sad about it. The place was important to you.

        3. Lucette Kensack*

          I think this is a Baby-sitters Club reference, not an attempt to out Elizabeth?

    8. Grace*

      Memories attached to places are incredibly strong.

      I felt like that when our library built an extension and reorganised – it was back when I was a kid, but I still feel a sense of loss. The old part is still there (children’s library, adult shelves, gorgeous wood-panelled silent reading room), but the purpose of the extension was a new entryway that added better upstairs access, a cafe, and a small museum.

      All laudable causes, but part of that was that the old Edwardian entryway was lost to the public, although not to staff. It was a gorgeous three-storey entryway with a mosaic floor and a staircase winding up the side with a carved wooden bannister, and I can’t even really remember what it looked like anymore, and there are no pictures of it on Google. I have so many childhood memories of the excitement of walking through that door that I feel a sense of loss at the inability to reenact that in adulthood. That Saturday ritual of going to the library and following the patterns of the mosaic as I waited for my parents to catch up and chasing up the stairs to get to the gallery is never going to be done again. By me. By anybody. It’s a very odd feeling.

      1. Grace*

        No photos, but since it’s a listed building, there’s a description of the original entryway on Historic England. Just found it. Some serious nostalgia feels today.

        The original entrance hall has a green, grey and white mosaic tiled floor with geometric pattern; ahead is a panelled and part-glazed oak screen door with fixed matching side panels and a modillioned entablature, dividing the hall from a small office which is accessed from the lending library. To the right, accessed via a pair of oak panelled doors (as previous) is the original stair hall, a double height space containing an original open-well, open-string stone staircase with a wrought-iron balustrade and a sweeping timber handrail. The ceiling is barrel-vaulted and panelled, bordered by an C18 rinceau oak frieze. All doors are original, and are similarly detailed, with original moulded oak architraves, door furniture and brass-plated door plates with maker’s marks. The door to the lending library from the stair hall is wider than others, containing two doors with a central fixed panel, set in a segmental headed opening and having a fixed glazed toplight.

        .

        I guess it was a little different to how my vague memories are picturing it. Two-storey rather than three. Well, I was rather small when I last saw it. I can picture the door to the lending library, but I think I’ve merged the entrance hall and the stair hall into one in my mind’s eye.

    9. The Rat-Catcher*

      They redid our movie theater a few years ago. Not precisely the same as your situation, and objectively it is way better now, but it’s not the place where I ditched the school dance with my best friend sophomore year or where I had my first date with my now-husband. It’s a type of loss which is super normal to feel.

  11. Kuododi*

    Well here’s the latest update. ….. I’m having the lung biopsy on the 25th of this month. (I’m looking at at least an overnight in the hospital.). Breast surgeon SD that lumpectomy could wait until the lung issue was resolved surgically. Apparently the breast cancer is not one of those fast moving ones so I have a 6-8 week time cushion for that issue before something has to be done. Thanks everyone for your love and support.

    1. Breast Solidarity*

      Hang in there!

      The waiting for answers and actions is SOOOOOO hard, isn’t it?

      Hoping all the news is as good as can be.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Well, it looks like they have a plan and they are stepping through the plan.
      I hope each step shows a much milder situation than they expected to find.
      Inch by inch.
      Warm thoughts.

    3. Anono-me*

      Wishing you Strength and Grace and lots and lots of Patience as you navigate this difficult time.

    9. Ethyl*

      Sending positive thoughts your way. This sounds incredibly scary I’m so sorry you are going through it.

    11. NoLongerYoung*

      sending hug. Was wondering how it was going since you’ve had a rough ride and things were so open the last time you posted. Please know we are thinking warm thoughts here in this corner of the internet.

    12. WS*

      Best wishes for a good result – last time I had to wait for results I got myself a stupid phone game, and every time my anxiety started kicking in, I distracted myself with that.

  12. Lena Clare*

    One of my cats has ringworm :(

    I’m off to the vets this afternoon, and I’ve got to spend this morning scrubbing everything that can be scrubbed, plus washing anything else that can be washed.

    Ugh. I also have another cat, so I’m worried that she had it too, although I’ve not seen any signs. How to I prevent contamination for humans and felines alike??

    Also I feel sorry him. I read that apple cider vinegar helps – is this true?

    1. WS*

      It’s not particularly contagious on hard surfaces – wash soft furnishings and animal bedding. A regular wash is fine, hot wash is better where possible. The vet will give you an anti-fungal treatment for the cat, and the other cat gets it, you can use it on her too. It’s really not a big deal unless it goes untreated or in immunosuppressed people or animals.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh thank you, that has put my mind at rest somewhat. I haven’t had a pet with ringworm before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Some of the advice online is a bit alarmist (it’ll take months to go away if you don’t clean and follow precautions thoroughly!) It also looks horrible on him, but he seems otherwise fine and chatty as usual.

        1. WS*

          And if you catch it, an over-the-counter antifungal cream will take care of it!

          There are worse scenarios where it’s gone untreated for a long time, or the animal or person in question has an underlying illness that makes it harder to cure, but in the vast majority of cases it’s not a big drama at all.

        2. Texan In Exile*

          Yep. I got ringworm from a stray kitten once. I just used Lotrimin. It’s the same meds you use for athlete’s foot or jock itch.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Agreed. Assuming that the two cats don’t spend too much time together, meaning sleeping together, mutual bathing, things like that, the other one probably won’t get it. Watch for signs on yourself. By handling the cat, you may see it pop up on your arm. It’s basically a round, flat, pink spot and will probably be a little itchy. That happened to me one year while helping my local cat rescue with a ringworm outbreak. It quickly went away with an anti-fungal cream.

        Kitten season is always fun at the rescue. One gets ringworm and they pass it around to the whole cage (we have large cages and we put a few kittens together, depending on how big they are, their personalities, etc. so they can socialize with each other). That means multiple sessions of bathing the kittens in a special solution, followed by anti-fungal creams. I actually don’t mind the bathing part because we get to “fluff” the little ones in towels afterwards–basically towel-dry them. Some of them love it and some of them decidedly don’t.

    2. A.N. O'Nyme*

      If possible, try to keep that cat in quarantine. If you notice any ring-shaped itchy spots on yourself, you’ll also need to go to the doctor. As for your other cat, try to get them checked out as well just to be safe. As long as it’s treated, it’s more of a nuisance than anything, although it is quite contagious. As WS said, wash anything soft thoroughly and you’ll probably be fine (and of course follow vet advice).

    3. Venus*

      I have done it with puppies but thankfully I knew before they arrived. Wash soft items (bedding, clothes, etc) with Borax. I also had special shampoo so you might bathe the non-infected one. You can treat it with anti-fungal cream (athlete’s foot) for humans, both for the cats and yourself.

      It is not a big health problem but vets nd shelters freak out because it is so very contagious and is hard to treat (baths and creams for 4-6 weeks). Shelters will often euthanize animals because they can’t cope with an outbreak (which is why I fostered very cute little puppies)

    4. Red Sky*

      Oh, not fun. I went thru the same thing a couple years ago and unfortunately both myself and my husband got it. You may want to get a black light flashlight as the ringworm will glow under it in a darkened room. I think I got mine from Target or Walmart for under $15. Makes it a lot easier to spot and start treating on other kitties or yourself if it’s just starting out and hasnt progressed to the crusty ring appearance.

    5. Eva and Me*

      This is something I’ve had experience with — twice! Google Dr. Karen Moriello at the University of Wisconsin. She is truly an expert and has published articles that are science-based.

      The lime-sulfur dips are stinky, but they will cut down on the amount of spores being shed into the environment. There are also oral/systemic medications that can be added to the dips to help reduce the amount of time it takes for completely clearing it out of kitty’s system. It will take a couple of months to get a true cure (not just that you can’t see any spots).

      Please do not believe all of the random “cures” people post about — colloidal silver, tea tree oil (toxic to cats!), bleach (ugh, who would put bleach on their cat?), human athletes foot cream applied only on visible lesions (it is more widespread than what you can see), the apple cider vinegar, etc. I get why people feel desperate enough to want to find a cure, but the lime sulfur dips with/without oral meds truly work.

      Quarantine your cat, since you have another kitty; unfortunately, cats are the perfect hosts for ringworm. Buy a cheap vacuum with a HEPA filter and actual bags that you can toss after each use.

      Most important to keep in mind — ringworm is really a cosmetic problem, not a deadly disease. And if your cats are generally healthy and you clean well, this will be a one-time thing. My other cat never did get it, but she is healthy and she also is very good at grooming herself, which likely helped.

      Best of luck — don’t let the lime sulfur dips dissuade you (and they are safe for kitty).

    6. Lena Clare*

      Oh I’m so furious! The vet said it’s not ringworm, it looks like a contact reaction from something like a spot-on flea treatment. He’s speculating that one of my neighbours has given him it to stop their own cats getting fleas!!!

      I’m so angry. He has regular flea treatment, and this could have really made him more ill if both mine and my neighbour’s had been administered within days.

      He’s had a steroid injection, so he should be ok, and I’m £40 lighter.

      Extremely cross and grumpy face.

      To make matters worse, I’m stuck in traffic on the way home!

      1. Eva and Me*

        Oh, I am so, so glad it’s not ringworm, and equally angry at your neighbor! I would let your neighbor know you have the flea issue covered so it doesn’t happen again!!!

        1. Lena Clare*

          I don’t know which neighbour it was unfortunately. Think a note and a collar (he doesn’t usually wear a collar) will have to do for now.

      2. Ramanon*

        I’d be concerned that your neighbors are doing other things with your cats if they’re bold enough to give an owned cat flea treatment. The first rule of flea treatment is that you don’t double-dip! It might be safer to keep both cats inside for a few days (I know, I know, they’ll hate it) and see if you can’t hunt down that neighbor. If they don’t see the cat while you’re looking for them, it might drive home how dangerous what they’ve done could have been. If people ask, just say that the cat had an adverse reaction to someone applying flea medication without asking if he’d already been treated.

        I assume he’s microchipped already, but an orange breakaway collar full-time might help drive home that this cat is Owned.

        1. Lena Clare*

          Yes I know right? He is microchipped, yes. He had a collar, actually he had about 5, and lost every.single.one.of them, so I just gave up on it in the end. I think that’s a good idea.

    7. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      My sister’s cat came home from the shelter covered in ringworm. She treated it with sulfa soap baths and Monistat rubbed on her skin. (Apparently yeast infection cream is “lick safe” while human ringworm medication is not.)

    8. I'm a Little Teapot*

      I believe that if you go to tinykittens.com and poke around they have information about treating ringworm. They do a lot of fostering, including for various feral colonies and have dealt with ringworm a lot.

  13. Chocolate Teapot*

    A salon where I have regular treatments seems to have closed down. I received an email before I went on holiday cancelling some appointments, but when I replied to ask when to reschedule, the email bounced back!

    I am going over there to check, but when I went past on the bus the posters in the window all seem to have been taken down. To compound things, the treatments are the sort where you buy a block of them in one go, and I still have a few left.

    2. Uncle Bob*

      If you paid for the treatments with a credit card, you can call them and file a dispute. I did this with pre-paid doggie day care (for when I have to go into the office, 1 hour away) and Discover had my money credited back to me in a day — and I got it all back, despite having used 2 of the 10 days.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        So I went to the salon in person to find it was all closed up, and the name has been removed from the doorbell. There wasn’t even a note on the door saying that it had closed down, or contact details for unused appointments.

        Oddly enough, it appears a new salon offering the same treatments is in the process of being set up in a nearby town. I wonder…

        1. Jemima Bond*

          Are you in the UK? (use of “holiday”…) If so, and you are curious, you can look on companies house beta to see if the company directors etc are the same for each business. Then if you go down to the new place to ask for your outstanding treatments or money back, you are armed with “but I know you are the same people”. Might help, might not, bit of fun! Link in reply.

          2. Chocolate Teapot*

            Not UK, but the trade register is pretty comprehensive, so I will have a look there.

  14. Teapot Translator*

    I’ve started learning to ride a bike (with a teacher). Second session, I hit a pole and the bike landed on me. I’m fine! I’m just glad I didn’t start crying there and then (which would have happened a few years ago).
    I’m off to a hike (shhhh, don’t tell the podiatrist), so I’ll be away from my computer for the day, but what have you done lately to push yourself and get out of your comfort zone?

    1. Cher Horowitz*

      Kudos! So many kudos! So many many kudos!
      I learnt to ride a bike at 40 because my 5 year old asked me to so we could ride together and I’m so glad she did! I feel like a secret badass

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I’m low-key terrified? Like, before I started to learn I would look at people biking and think, so mysterious. Now that I’m learning, I’m thinking how do they go in a straight line and not keep hitting each other? The teacher says I’m progressing well, so hopefully, I’ll start going in a straight line soon; otherwise, I’ll only be able to ride at 6 in morning, on Sundays, in empty suburban streets.

        1. Cher Horowitz*

          I found it to be a matter of practice bringing me confidence. It’s like driving! Learned to do that in a straight line without hitting anyone!

        2. EinJungerLudendorff*

          In my case, I do it by learning it at 5 years old and using it constantly for decades. But then we live in biking country.

          On the other hand, I still can’t figure out how other people can drive a car without ramming the nearest object or having a minor panic attack every time they push the gas pedal down.

          I guess it’s just a matter of practice until it becomes subconcious like walking.

        3. theothermadeline*

          I love biking! I love to go on 15-20 mile rides and am even a commuter cyclist when I can be. But boy oh boy do I hate riding on the road even though I am a very experienced cyclist. Keep to your comfort zone and keep it enjoyable! I have many paved bike trails that I love to do my long rides on – I hope your town has some too!

    2. LGC*

      Oh no! I’m glad that it sounds like you’re all right. Other than hitting a pole, how are the bike lessons going?

      I need to schedule driving lessons this summer, which is nerve-wracking. I’ve actually driven before but not since I was a teenager (so going on 20 years).

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I’m okay. I think the teacher was a bit worried.
        The lessons are going well. I’m progressing faster than what he usually sees so we have some leeway if suddenly I stop progressing.
        Learning to drive IS nerve wracking! I learned in my 30s as a high-anxiety person. You can do it! Particularly if you’ve done it before.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Agreeing on the driving. LGC, driving will look differently to you now that you are a bit older. Some parts will actually feel easier. You may find yourself catching on quicker than you expect.

    3. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Oh boy, it is bad enough to learn as a kid, I can’t imagine how it is with adults. I managed to flip over handlebars and break all my ribs when I was 16 so haven’t much been on a bicycle since. Like I can ride, but am really uncomfortable. Funny enough on a motorbike and with more speed I am absolutely fine, even I had some falls. A bit the same as my totally bizarre acrophobia. I get really bad on ladders or stairs made of grids like fire escapes or these escalators in malls that go between floors and there is space in between… I am fine with flying

      1. tangerineRose*

        I have a hard time with ladders and basically anything where it looks like I might fall off, but I’m OK with flying too.

    4. Ranon*

      I learned/ relearned to ride a bike a year ago! There was definitely a phase where every time I went somewhere new that wasn’t on nice empty bike lanes I would somehow manage to dump my bike, so much solidarity on the running into things! But it did get better and I have absolutely no regrets, my city has been putting in bike infrastructure at a rapid clip while car traffic gets worse and worse, biking is definitely the best way to get around a lot of the time. Plus my kiddo is already a terror on his balance bike so I need to get my time in before we give him pedals and he totally smokes me…

    5. tangerineRose*

      You probably already do this, but please always wear a helmet when you’re riding a bike! And be careful with cars – some drivers aren’t paying attention.

    6. Amethyst*

      Two years ago I started learning how to drive with two of my friends as my teachers. One dropped out because I’d sent myself into panic attacks after getting up to 20 MPH in an empty parking lot, & trying to do simple things in the same lot. (I’d warned her multiple, multiple times that I WILL cry when I get started & didn’t mince words over how badly I’m scared of it, but she didn’t take me seriously, or thought I was exaggerating over the severity of my responses.) She found out earlier this year that if I got into an accident in her car, her insurance wouldn’t cover it. Not that I would as I’m terrified of breaking someone else’s stuff, & that would probably send me back to square one as it is, lol. Another complication is that I’m trying to put some distance between me & this friend because she’s increasingly seeing me as a child when I’m in my mid-thirties. I feel some slight mother-like feelings toward her, but nowhere near the strength of her feelings toward me, & I don’t want a mother figure in my life.

      My other friend was fantastic. He took me out into another parking lot & did some basic things, but now won’t do it because I had to downgrade my permit to a non-driver’s ID (state regulation that amounts to “Get your license, retest for your permit or, if you don’t have the money, get an ID.”), the aforementioned insurance thing, & being busy with his own life with his wife & kids.

      I don’t have the money to hire a driving school to teach me so I guess it’ll be another few more years before I’ll officially be behind the wheel again. :(

    8. Lilysparrow*

      I started adding some functional strength moves to my gym workout. They’re based on animal movement and I’m sure I looked like an idiot. But it was fun, and it obviously did something, because I am soooooore! (In a good way, not an injury way).

    9. chi chan*

      I have been stretching everyday and am working on doing splits. I am really not good at it but I have never done anything like that before.

    10. Ra94*

      I went on a long, long road trip and did half the driving (1,500 miles!) despite having never gone further than my 25-min commute to work by car before. It was absolutely fine, using the GPS was easy, and whenever I did make a wrong turn it was no big deal.

    11. Syfygeek*

      I joined a rowing club for the summer. I’m 57 and hadn’t been in a boat with oars since summer camp when I was 12. I got blisters, bruises and bug bites, but had a blast.

  15. Julia*

    I’ve been suffering from cramps for the last few days, which feel like an endometriosis flare up. I’m on a progesterone only “pill” (medication) which has so far worked really well (although I’ve had one or two shorter flare ups in the past three years), so I think it’s odd this is happening now after only being late with a pill for one hour due to a work thing, but I can’t come up with any other explanation for these symptoms. So much for having a fun and romantic long weekend…

      1. Julia*

        Norethindrone?
        Anyway, I feel much better today, after three days of cramping. Thank goodness, I would have had no idea what kind of doctor would even try to help me here.
        Thank you!!

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Norethindrone is the generic name of a medication that generally matches the description you gave. It may or may not be what you’re actually on.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Yeah, sorry, it’s what I take for endo and the description matches, so I just kinda assumed…

    2. IhearYa*

      If you have a TENS unit, those can help with cramps, either on your abs or lower back.

      1. Julia*

        I don’t, but I’ll look into one if this ends up being a frequent occurrence. Thank you!

  16. Bulu Babi*

    How do you protect books (namely paperbacks) in travel? I read on the go during the day, on the bus, cafés, etc, so I often toss a book into my very chaotic bag or rucksack… And after a week it looks a decade old. Is there some easy lazy solution, like a universal protective book cover or case that I can use to save books from myself?

      1. BRR*

        I have some silicone zip lock bags. The added thickness and structure might be helpful for paperbacks.

        1. valentine*

          I kept a carpeta* in my bag and slipped my grocery-store-bagged book in it. Good for anything flimsy.

          *Spain’s binder-cover folder with interior side pockets.

      2. JediSquirrel*

        Came here to say this. Quart size freezer bags are tougher, last longer, and can handle most books. Larger books will probably require a gallon-size bag. Plus, it’s not work, you can see through the bag so you know easily which book it is (yeah, I have a few of these), plus for rainy days they are fairly waterproof.

      1. krista*

        I never covered any books with waxed paper in school! How does it work? Doesn’t it just slip off?

        1. epi*

          You fold the excess paper around three sides of each cover, taping it down sort of like wrapping a gift.

          If you’ve ever gotten a library book where they used a plastic cover that keeps the dust jacket on, it’s similar to that.

        2. Madge*

          I don’t know about waxed paper, but I used to cover my textbooks in brown paper. You can either use package wrap or a grocery bag. It’s too complicated to explain here, but there are tutorials on YouTube.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Yes, we used grocery bags or old wallpaper samples or sturdy wrapping paper or butcher’s paper.

            1. KK*

              The brown grocery bag had the added advantage that you could draw on it. Or write notes or phone numbers.

        3. German Girl*

          Cut the paper so that it’s an inch or two taller and wider than the book’s cover.

          Place the spine of the book in the center and cut at a 45° angle from the top edge to the top corners of the spine, so you get a trapezoid that’s wider at the edge of the paper and has the top of the spine as its narrower side. Fold this trapezoid in. Do the same on the bottom.

          Then tip the book to one side, fold the excess paper round the cover and use a bit of tape across the corners so it doesn’t unfold (you can also tape the paper to the cover, but that’s usually unnecessary). Then do the same on the other side. This will only fall off if you have a really thick book and the paper wasn’t wide enough.

        4. TPS Cover Sheet*

          Well, wax paper, like the stuff you lined kitchen or larder shelves with. So yeah, like wrapping presents. You just need to fold and cut a bit differently.

          Reason was some of the books had to be returned (some were hardcovers, some soft), and you’d get penalized for any scuffs and marks. So you would cover all your books…

          Later on we’d use heavy contact film for the paperback schoolbooks, that stuff is relatively cheap per roll and I think some libraries cover their paperbacks with it. Of course battling with air bubbles was half the challenge…

      2. Texan In Exile*

        There were advertisers who supplied our paper book covers when I was a kid. In the first week of school, we got our textbooks, with the teacher noting the condition of the book, and spent half the class putting the covers on them.

    3. GoryDetails*

      There are many types of book-covers available – Book Sox is one brand I’ve heard of. That said, I don’t do anything special for my carrying-around books, and if a cover gets a corner folded I just roll with it. (I should probably add that I generally leave such books in the car, only tucking them into my bag when I’m heading in to a restaurant or doctor’s appointment or other need-book-while-waiting situation, so my books don’t spend a lot of time jouncing around in a big bag. In the latter case I might pick up one of the book-covers.)

    4. epi*

      I put them where they won’t rattle around, then put everything else in after to keep it secure. Flat on the bottom of the purse usually works with small books, or standing up on one side against the side of the purse that is usually against my body. It gets easier to slot the book back into place without unpacking your whole purse, with practice.

      I’ve found it damages them way less to always shove in spine down if possible. If you have the space, setting them down on one cover damages them least.

    5. Phlox*

      What about a zippered planner type protector? Something that’s rigid, can be found book sized and is easy to access.

    6. Reader*

      They also sell bungee bookmarks and very large rubberbands that hold all the pages and cover together. Levenger’s site has some called Bungees and Notebook belts.

    7. bkanon*

      Ask your local library! Mine has sheets of this nice sturdy plasticy stuff that they use to protect paperbacks. Caveat, it’s permanent but it’s Super Effective. They might be willing to give you a few sheets or wrap a book for you.

      1. Pony tailed wonder*

        I work in a library and I can tell you as much as we would love to give stuff like that away, our budget is limited and we can’t afford to give that stuff out.

        1. bkanon*

          Still doesn’t hurt to ask. My mother just retired from her library and they would occasionally have some to spare. Not a lot, but a book or two, maybe.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      There are book covers, but any small case will work. I zipped them into flat makeup case on one trip. Larger ones, try a small tablet sleeve.
      But honestly they’re produced cheaply as disposable so even with good treatment they age on the shelf.
      I’m about ready to grit my teeth and rebut some old favorites because the glue is giving out.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      If you own them (not library books) you can get clear self-adhesive plastic by the roll in most stores that sell kitchen or office supplies – the pharmacy, larger grocery stores, Target, etc. We called it “contact paper” growing up, and used it on our workbooks. I’ve heard other people call it shelf liner. I don’t know which is the normal term in your stores.

      If you’re doing smaller paperbacks, one roll would do a bunch.

    10. DrMM*

      Go on Etsy and search for book sleeves. They’re basically padded fabric pouches that you put books in to keep them looking nice. I have several and love to use them when I travel. I like to keep my books looking pretty, so these work great!

  17. LGC*

    Oh man!

    Anyway, this is…probably ill timed, but I’ve been having issues with my neighbor’s cat. I feed her sometimes when she’s out of town, and she JUST DOESN’T LIKE ME (or acts like she doesn’t). Basically, she hisses at me every time I come in (and just does normal cat stuff like blocking me from getting to her food).

    Last week, she pooped on the floor, which was a first! I can deal with her being a little aggressive to me (although I want to fix that too), but I’m not okay with this.

    So…how do I become a better cat uncle? I’m not great with animals to begin with, which makes it harder.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Cat etiquette:

      1. Try to be quieter and move more slowly
      2. Speak to the cat in a higher pitched voice “baby talk”
      3. Don’t try to pet the cat without being approached first
      4. Let the cat sniff your finger “cat handshake”

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’m not sure I agree with #2; our cats hate high-pitched baby talk! (and yet I keep doing it) The others are spot on.

      2. Zona the Great*

        No don’t speak in a high pitch. Only prey has high voices. Monotonous and low and yawn and blink at kitty from a distance.

    2. WS*

      As well as what Cheesesteak In Paradise said, pooping on the floor can be the act of a very scared or very aggressive cat (or both!) It sounds like she’s very defensive of her home. Do you ever come over while the neighbour is there, and do no cat things at all? If you can do that a few times, maybe go over and sit quietly for an hour or so, preferably just before the neighbour is away, she may be calmer.

    3. The Kerosene Kid*

      Just a thought: When you go to your neighbor’s place, do you just pop in to do the maintenance, or do you ever hang out? (I mean, only if the neighbor is cool with you chilling on the couch for a while or whatever.) Maybe try kind of neutrally hanging out, not interacting with the cat, but letting her come to you if she wants? I used to pet-sit a lot, plus I had to win over my wife’s crazy little demon cat (we’re cool now, but it only took six years!), and that helped me.

    4. epi*

      I did some reading about cat body language and how to communicate with cats before I got my first, and it made a huge difference. You don’t have to do tons of research here– reading a few blog posts should do it. Mostly it will help you avoid antagonizing a cat that is already stressed or annoyed.

      It’s also good advice to just hang out there, with and without the owner, while not really trying to engage the cat. We have a lovely friend as a cat sitter that one of my cats probably loves more than me. But my newest cat did not accept her until he saw her again, talking to my husband after we had come home. Once he realized she was a friend, not yet another new family, and he wasn’t stressed out by us being gone, he jumped right up in her lap and they’ve been fine ever since.

      If the cat does come out, try not to react and just let it come to you. Go really slow with any touching or petting, don’t do body pets unless the cat seems to want you to (they’ll let you know!). Ask the owner if there are any treats or toys the cat loves that you could give during those times, to show it you’re a friend.

    5. Not a Morning Person*

      Pooping where you will find it is pretty commonly a sign that a cat is irritated and wants you to know. Or that their litterbox has not been cleaned to their standards! Cats are very routine oriented and when their routine is upset, they express it. All the other advice is really good about being slower to approach and letting the cat sniff your hands. Does the cat like treats or being brushed or cat nip? Ask the owner what the cat enjoys and see if that is something you can do. Good luck!

      1. Jedi Librarian*

        My two cats love to express their distaste when the litter box is not up to their standards, right in the middle of the living room. OP, are you scooping it everyday or just when it gets too much? If so, try scooping every day and see if that helps too with the poops.

        1. LGC*

          Usually I’ll do every other day, and that was the first time (out of several) where she did that.

    6. LGC*

      One more note about the present: It did lead to an interesting group chat – she has an actual human name, so I just typed “So [name] just pooped on the floor” without any context and let that simmer for a few minutes.

      I’ll definitely be even more aware of my body language, and just letting her get more comfortable with me. I think part of the difficulty is that…okay, I can stay for a few minutes, but often I can’t really stay more than 10 minutes at a time. I’m usually pretty quiet, I think, and I try to let her sniff me before petting her. I do tense up, which is just a thing that I do and that I’m trying to not do. She’s also pretty shy – she was a stray from a small city by us before she found her home, and she ALWAYS hides under the bed when people come over, even now.

      I also figured that she was pretty ticked off at me the day she pooped – I was running a little late with feeding her that day. (Part of the issue is that my neighbor and I have different schedules – she’s mostly home all day, while I work full time and have an hour commute.) I do appreciate the aptness of her using her own butthole to call me a butthole, though! I also made sure to check her litter box – which did urgently need to be cleaned out that time. Normally, that’s not an issue, though.

      1. valentine*

        What if you clean the box daily or put a clean one next to it and see if she uses it on your off day (thus telling you to clean it daily, dude)? Can you go over first thing instead of last? Can you stay at the house so you can play with the cat? (Maybe they’re lonely.)

    7. Trixie*

      I’ve also had experience where the cat just doesn’t like strangers including me as pet-sitter. Sometimes they warm up but often they just prefer their human. I give them their space and take care of the necessities while they keep a distance, carefully hidden from me.
      My cat is easily spooked by loud noises or any noises not part of his regular routine. So he’s familiar with say the garbage disposal or blender but runs at a door knock. He also doesn’t love loud voices. We had a vet for a short time that insisted on using her outside voice even thought we were in a room the size of a closet. On our last visit before I switched vets, I said “we” really need to use our inside voices to keep cat calm.

    8. Kathenus*

      In addition to the other great suggestions, become a treat dispenser. Get a few different cat treats (soft, hard, etc.) and every time you go in just put some down and walk away, so she can eat them out of your sight if she prefers. Right now she doesn’t have any particular reason to like you, and just the fact of you being in ‘her’ house by ‘her’ stuff could be negative, and the association of you meaning her family is gone could also be poisoning you in her mind. Since you can’t change the last two, build your value to her by being the bringer of good things, asker of nothing – meaning treats for nothing.

  18. Dame Judi Brunch*

    Does anyone else hate summertime with a burning passion? What are your coping strategies to make it through?
    I’m just so miserable and cranky, not myself at all. This happens every year.
    I’ve been staying in the AC as much as possible, eating healthier, exercising indoors, and I found a less congested commute to lower stress.
    The edge is off but I’m still a bundle of misery. Any other ideas? I can’t afford to travel to a cooler climate sadly.

    1. Overeducated*

      Yes. I also hate it. I moved a few hundred miles south three summers ago and this is the worst one yet in terms of heat and humidity. I have not gotten used to it and my spouse and I are hoping to find jobs back north in the medium term (2+ years). I don’t have a lot of strategies for now, except whining a lot and taking the bus more instead of bike commuting every day.

      It also drives me crazy because I associate summer time with the outdoors, camping, hiking, etc., and that’s really uncomfortable to do here, but there’s a lot of rain in the shoulder seasons. People say “be flexible” but campsites book up months in advance and have cancellation fees, so not sure how that works. I am seeing the appeal of the beach for the first time though, that’s an outdoor place that is not bad when it’s hot!

      1. Dame Judi Brunch*

        That sounds like a nightmare! Except for the beach, that sounds nice. How in the world can you be flexible with cancellation fees and booked sites? Agreed, that makes no sense!
        The Midwest states make fun of the South for how they handle snow, but we have no business making fun of anyone. None of us would survive the heat and humidity that the South deals with.

        1. Overeducated*

          Agreed. I’m at the northern end of “the south” and I don’t know how people at the southern end do it. On the other hand, I still roll my eyes when we close down for an inch of snow, but i don’t miss chipping ice off my car every morning!

          1. NeonFireworks*

            I passed up a chance to move to Virginia years ago because I couldn’t take the humidity. How does anyone farther south manage? I currently live in inland northern California, where it is hot but not humid, and I love it.

          2. TexasRose*

            There’s a reason the South has an extra future tense in their speech:

            I remember my grandmother sitting on the porch, rocking and fanning herself, and saying, “I’m fixin’ to get ready to start supper.” Then, after another 10 minutes or so, she would get up and start supper.

      2. Overeducated*

        Late breaking, world changing update: just discovered a local pool (1.5 miles away) that costs $4 and is perfect for chilling out, not seriously exercising. I actually got to spend a summer afternoon outside without driving an hour and a half to a lake. Again, I’ve lived here three years…I feel so much better today and my kid is already bugging me about which day we can go back.

    2. WS*

      Sleeping is my biggest problem in hot weather, plus a medical condition means I overheat easily. I do all my exercising in the pool, have a ceiling fan above my bed (surprisingly effective!) and sleep with an icepack on the soles of my feet. Natural, loosely woven fibres for clothing and bedding are also helpful.

      1. KK*

        Back before I had air-conditioning, I used to take a shower just before bed, then direct a fan over my bed, and go to bed still wet. By the time I was dry, I was asleep. Always gave me a good night sleep in hot weather.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      I don’t deal well with hot humid weather – I’m built for cold climates. Which is, of course, how I ended up living in a subtropical climate. It’s 35C (95 F) and 75%+ humidity for four months straight, with regular thunderstorms and occasional typhoons, and I don’t own a car.

      Oddly enough I find that too much/too cold AC makes things worse for me. The AC is comfortable, but it makes non AC environments so much more miserable. So at home, I use fans in the morning, just enough to sleep at night, and at work, the AC doesn’t go below 25C (77 F) anyways. I also try to walk outside for at least half an hour a day, particularly as things warm up, getting moderate exercise and building up a sweat.

      Other than that – lots of water. I use a SodaStream for fizzy water, which is most of what I drink. I take cold showers a lot, particularly after getting home, and eat a lot of cold food – tonight was cold sliced beef and salads. I also have very short hair, and work in a job where shorts and sleeveless tops are normal.

      One compensation is the lovely fruit. Currently we’ve got local mangos, pineapples, watermelon, lychees and dragonfruit.

      1. Dame Judi Brunch*

        I’ll have to try that getting acclimated to warm, thank you for the suggestion!

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hello, fellow unhappy resident of heat and/or heat plus humidity!
      I cope by wearing non-synthetic fabrics (linen and cotton and damn the wrinkles!), sometimes commuting in a sleeveless shirt and carrying my sweater/jacket until I get to work, carrying an ice cube wrapped in a washcloth to get cool quickly & wipe away some of the stickiness, drinking lots of fluids, and grinding my teeth and counting down the weeks until autumn.
      The sort-of-sense-of-relaxation is nice, as are the flowers, cicadas, and absence of heavy winter coats and boots. The rest of summer, not so much.

      1. infopubs*

        Another vote for linen clothes. They make a HUGE difference in humid weather. I can get through a summer in Florida in linen, but cotton is too heavy and hot.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Linen is fascinating — the fiber is made from the plant stem and doesn’t lose its ability to move moisture. A very few merchants are selling knit linen shirts and I love them. A little too thin for the office but great for home. Also, when you get 100% linen to make your own clothing, wash it before you measure & cut. I swear it gets softer each time it’s washed. Haven’t brought myself to splurge on linen bedsheets yet but I’m dreaming.

    5. epi*

      I don’t like it but have gotten more ok with it over the years. Especially this year, the Midwest had a very cold, wet, ugly spring so I really appreciate summer now.

      I try to take advantage of bearable times to be outdoors– around sunset, and early in the morning when my deck is in full sun but it’s not hot out yet. I have a lot of plants and caring for them gets me outdoors in small doses, doing something that is with it to me. You might also see if there are activities you can really only do in the spring and summer, and treat less hot days and times as opportunities just as others might be in the lookout for a beach day.

      It also helped a lot to try to improve my summer clothes. I really prefer winter dressing and my summer clothes never seemed to be in good condition– combination of more wear and tear, and thinner fabrics I think. It helped me feel like less of a mess on really hot days because even if I was hot and sweating, at least I liked my outfit and it was actually appropriate for the weather. Plus then I know there is nothing more I could have done!

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      You’re far from the only one. Where I live (northeast USA), the last couple of summers have not necessarily been searingly hot temperature-wise, but they’ve been *so* humid. That is the worst. It just kind of breaks my spirit after awhile.

      I’ve decided to throw some money at the problem by setting our air conditioning lower at home. It doesn’t help outside of home, and I feel bad that it’s an environmentally reckless thing to do, but it does help me sleep better and more sleep makes me feel better overall.

      A side note: For someone who hates summer, you would think the “Christmas in July” fad that seems to have taken on new life this year would make me feel better. But it just makes me kind of want to punch a wall every time I see it.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        Christmas in July always makes me feel hot and stifled, because so much of it is built around heavy fabrics (flannel, knit) and potent smells (cinnamon, peppermint) that are just oppressive when it’s warm out.

    7. merp*

      I’m not sure if you mean you hate the heat or more than that, but I swear I am more anxious in the summer. Feels like it’s somehow related to pressure to be enjoying the season? And it gets all built up until I am a nervous wreck. Mostly just knowing the pattern helps me a little bit, and giving myself permission to be a hermit when needed. If that means indoor hobbies like crafty stuff or baking, that can be fulfilling, or it frequently just means watching youtube in bed after work if I don’t have the energy for anything more.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Yes this! I also find that the hot weather makes people much more cranky drivers, and as a person who drives fa lot as part of their job, well – ugh.

    8. Seal*

      After spending most of my life in the Upper Midwest, I moved to the Deep South for a job and wound up spending over a decade there. While it was a good move professionally, I absolutely HATED the weather there, especially summers because they were so hot and humid. That part was especially depressing, because in the Upper Midwest summers are practically sacred because of the long, cold winters. I did, however, develop a new appreciation for air conditioning.

      My strategy was to try to go outside in the evenings when things were a bit cooler. I’m not a morning person so getting up early before things really heated up wasn’t an option. I also made a point of drinking lots of water, eating better, dressing in layers, and the like. Still, I wound up spending much of my time indoors in the summer, which never seemed right. I didn’t realize how truly miserable the weather made me until I moved back to the Upper Midwest a year or so ago. I would much rather suffer through a cold winter than a hot, sticky summer any day. You can always put on more clothes but can only take so many off in polite company.

    9. Ainomiaka*

      Some friends and I are actually trying hot yoga. It does feel better afterwards.
      The only other thing I know of is to ignore the admittedly environmentally friendly and money saving advice to let your house heat up a little bit at night- i.e. don’t run the a/c as hard. I absolutely cannot sleep if I do that.

    10. matcha123*

      I also hate the summer. I dislike the heat, the humidity, and the strong sun.
      I also work in a place that barely uses air conditioning and I feel sick all day long.
      So, what I do is carry a portable fan with me when I’m out, try to spend time indoors and try to drink water and sports drinks. Sunglasses and parasols!

    11. Aphrodite*

      I too loathe summer with the passion of a thousand suns (which is what it feels like anyway). Give me snow, cold, rain, fog! I come alive in that.

      I have central air and heat so thank heaven for that. But not everyone has that. So . . . fans. Lots of fans too. Sometimes I turn the air on, get it down into the low sixties, then turn it off and use the fans. I also use aluminum foil on the windows that get the most sun, that’s the side that faces the morning sun. Tape aluminum foil to the windows on the inside (with the dull side of the foil facing out for good neighborly relations). It really will help make a difference. You can also, if you prefer to keep tape off the glass or wall tape it to large pieces of cardboard and stand them in the window. I keep the foil up all summer and the drapes closed.

      I keep a large fan pointed at the front of the bed from the side so it blows on my face all night long. I also own a bed fan ( http://www.bfan.world/ ) and this is the best! In fact, I have to keep it on very low and even turn it off in the early morning as my feet get COLD. That way, I can keep two blankets on the bed, which I like, while my body stays cool. Percale sheets are helpful too.

      Good luck. Sleeping is lousy in the summer but try these things; they might help..

    12. Gatomon*

      Yes, I’m miserable. 90 yesterday and high 80s today. I felt kind of sick after running errands yesterday evening, even a 75-degree room felt hot for a while. I’m starting the moving process this weekend though and it looks like my new place runs MUCH cooler than my apartment naturally. It also has an A/C unit in the wall so no more dealing with hoses out the window and a big, shaking, noisy appliance in the middle of my living room. The wall A/C is much quieter.

    13. Kathenus*

      100% with you. I hate summer, I’m totally a fall/winter person. But the majority of my adult life has been in areas with very hot and humid summers due to my career. Sounds weird, but sometimes just (mostly good-naturedly) complaining about it to friends helps (they do the same to me in the winter). Echo the fans if you are somewhere that’s uncomfortable, the one I have in my office has been a lifesaver. And I allow myself to not feel guilty for staying inside versus ‘enjoying the warm weather’ in outdoor activities, and to keep the thermostat at a temperature that is comfortable, especially for sleeping, as I’m miserable if it’s too hot to fall asleep. I don’t spend a lot of discretionary money compared to some friends (bars, restaurants, movies, etc. – I do these but not overly often), so I am happy to spend more on my utility bill in the summer. Counting the days to fall along with you.

    14. tamarack & fireweed*

      Right now a lot of people around me are begging for winter to come back soon. I’m in Alaska, which of course is full of people who like serious winter. But the main issue is that we’ve had over a week now of record-breaking bad air quality because of wildfire smoke. (Fine particle levels are slowly coming down, and we appear to be in the red zone now, flirting with orange, instead of deep purple. But if I, who has no known respiratory issues, starts coughing and wheezing I can only imagine how it is for people with pulmonary conditions. Also, I’m worried about long-term effects of this pollution bout.) Climate change is very noticeable up here (“polar amplification” – temps rise more at the poles), and this year has been brutal.

      But normally summers are short and epic. Plants are just gorgeous. Hiking is deeply refreshing. And whenever I have to travel outside (this word means “not in Alaska” in Alaska) I get surprised by the darkness at midnight.

    15. NB*

      I take a cool shower right before bed. Then I lie down with a fan pointed at me, and I don’t move until morning.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      I used to hate it with a passion, but after going through a horrendous ice storm, now I’m kinda hating on winter. I’ll even exercise outside in summer now (as long as I can do it before it gets too hot).

      I keep the curtains closed; that seems to keep out the worst of the daytime heat. Drink a lot of water, even if you’re indoors.

      1. valentine*

        keep the curtains closed
        Yes; it makes a massive difference. Get blackout curtains if you must. Wear sunglasses indoors. Lie low in a fan stream with a frozen two-liter or gallon bottle of water in front of it.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Put a towel under the frozen bottle of water – otherwise you will get a drippy lake of water!

    17. CastIrony*

      I’m not alone! My little brother installed our window AC the other day for the living room because the temps have reached 88 degrees F.

      Other than that, my sister and I open windows at night and close them in the morning. Currently, a box fan is on a windowsill, cooling my bedroom with the night air.

    18. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      Yeah, I’m not a big fan of summer. Too hot (I’m in NYC), and thanks to emotionally abusive, unsupportive parents I never got to enjoy summer as a kid, whether it was vacationing with them or the camps they sent me to.

      It also doesn’t help that I don’t have any real friends I can go to, to hang out with. Never have – I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere, again thanks to my emotionally abusive parents who never encouraged me to do anything. So when I see groups of people enjoying themselves and each other, it’s like another emotional nail in my coffin. Actually it’s like that regardless of the season, but we’re talking about summer here, so fooey on summer.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Internet hugs if you want them. Life is long (hopefully); I hope you can find a way to make it better.

  19. Knitting vs crochet*

    I’ve read a number of articles about the differences but do any of you have a preference? Are there things that are easier to make or do with one over the other? I’ve been wanting to learn one of them to make an open weave grocery bags. Thanks.

    1. Lucy*

      I have a strong crochet preference; my friend strongly prefers knitting. I know people who can do both, but most have a favourite.

      I would say knitting is better for garments, and crochet is better for things especially odd shaped things like plushies or bags. Crochet works up faster. A grocery bag is one short evening’s beginner work in crochet, but slower and more advanced in knitting.

      Another consideration is that crochet is typically easier to pick up and put down without dropping stitches. If you are likely to do short stints, or work when in transit, crochet is typically more forgiving.

      #TeamHooker

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I agree with Lucy’s distinction. I only knit, but I chose that because I had someone who could show me how to do it (well, I thought I did but she knits left-handed because her mom did, and she didn’t want me to ‘learn it backwards’). Have never crocheted, but it does seem like the best patterns for objects are in crochet and best patterns for garments/blankets/scarves are in knit. (Best = subjective of course!)

        1. nonegiven*

          My left handed aunt taught me to knit when I was 7. She had me doing it backwards but I have learned from books to do it with either hand or both. I also taught myself to crochet from a 69¢ pamphlet when I was 8.

      3. university minion*

        I’m team crochet, but what is that magical grocery bag that works up in an evening?
        I’ve got 20 years of skill and am not slow, but am also a week into my pineapple crochet produce bag. WTF?

        1. Lucy*

          I was thinking of this kind of thing – use a fat hook and a holey pattern for a macrame-look bag! Something cleverer or denser would definitely take longer.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      From what I hear, it depends on what you learn first. I learned crochet first, then knitting so I find knitting harder.
      I find knitted items are more stretchy while crochet stitches have no “give”.

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        That’s interesting, because I learned to crochet first but I find knitting easier. Certainly having learned to crochet first impacted my knitting- I carry my yarn in my left hand when I’m knitting since that’s how I learned to do it when crocheting.

        1. Lucy*

          Similarly I learned knitting first, but never quite took to it; then I switched to crochet on a whim (bought a magazine in the supermarket that came with a hook and a skein!) and everything just clicked.

          My knitting is still horrible.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My mother tried repeatedly to teach me to knit. I got the details, but was terrible at it. I didn’t enjoy it at all. In my forties I picked up crochet, and like that, and my mother said her mother didn’t like to knit either. Weirdly I’ve since gotten better about knitting too.
        Knitting is more ambidextrous, crochet is mostly work for one hand.

    3. NeonFireworks*

      Knitting is good for mostly flat pieces sewn or otherwise attached together. Crochet is better for really three-dimensional objects. It’s remarkable how different they feel given that they’re both all about loops of yarn!

      1. krista*

        I totally disagree with this statement – knitting (with circular needles) is great for three-dimensional objects. I knit garments all the time (including socks and sweaters), and almost never knit flat & seam.

        1. Venus*

          I think of socks as having a flat surface. By 3D I think NeonFireworks is referring to little figurines which can be crocheted and stuffed like a doll. Crochet is definitely easier for odd shaped things as you can add a few stitches here or there, without having to plan for them.

        2. epi*

          I have heard the distinction as knitting is for stretchy tubes, crocheting is for flexible shapes.

          You can go 3D with either but the types of objects that each lends itself to are different.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I learned to knit first. I think crocheting was harder because I kept thinking there should be a second needle some how. (I was a kid when I learned both.)

      I actually prefer the look of knitted items. I think there is a much larger variety of stitches in knitting also. I like crocheting but I can’t seem to connect crochet work with “fashionable items”, if that makes sense.

      I do know that crochet work is like handwriting. Everyone has their own unique style. It is possible to be able to identify who made an item by looking at the stitches.
      Crocheting is fun though and it does work up faster than knitting.

      1. nonegiven*

        Crocheting granny squares is really portable if you have to do much waiting around. Then sew them together to make an afghan.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        FWIW, Crocheted hand bags are cool again according to my middleschooler. (Think the 1980s “Le Sac” from Sax 5th Avenue.)

    5. Shrunken Hippo*

      I crochet but I’m learning to knit. I love to crochet little stuffed animals but I want to be able to make more apparel and that’s much easier to do with knitting as it has more give to it. Crocheting is more forgiving because it’s super easy to take apart and redo if you mess up and it’s easier to do in the round, but knitting is less chunky so nice for more clothing designs. I think you can learn both so which one you want to attempt really depends on what you want to make and what patterns you want to use. Although you should start with basics in either case I find having a goal project helps me work through times of frustration.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Interestingly, I see knitting as more forgiving– miss a stitch and there are ways to undo one column, fix it, and rework that with a hook.
        But mess up one stitch on a blanket crocheted in the round, and you have to rip out whole rounds.

        1. Lucy*

          I mean, personally I go with the motto of my (church) yarn club, which is “only God is perfect”, so if I see an error further back than I care to frog, I remind myself that I am not God, and continue. Again, crochet is forgiving so ad hoc decreases/increases are trivial.

          I dabble in Tunisian crochet for the best of both worlds, but it is very hard on my (probably becoming arthritic) wrists!

    7. HannahS*

      I find crochet easier and more forgiving for beginners. I would say that anything that needs to be sturdy (rugs, bags, washcloths) is more easily crocheted, and things that you want to be more stretchy and flexible, like a sweater, is more easily knitted. You can make either work with either craft, obviously, but the best way to think of it is to remember that the crocheted version of something will be twice as thick as the knitted version, if you use the same yarn and same diameter needle/hook.

    8. merp*

      I’m not sure what it is with my brain but I can only crochet round things. So anything that requires straight stitches (scarves, etc) has to be knitting for me, haha.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I learned to crochet when I was six and knit when I was in my early 20s. (I’m 38 now.) I generally prefer to knit, because I like cables and lacework. You can’t crochet nice looking cables, I don’t think, and crocheted lace all seems to be doilies. But for a market bag, I’d crochet (and just did one recently, look up Lion Brand’s Market Tote pattern, super easy).

      For me, crochet is good for patchwork (granny square/hexagon afghans), dishcloths (which are basically the patchwork bits just not joined together), bags and stuffy toys. (That said, I did knit a stuffy flamingo once.) Anything else, I’m much more likely to knit.

      1. university minion*

        You can crochet nice cables, but the amount of yarn you consume in doing so is positively obscene. I’ve been crocheting my whole life, so I know well that crochet generally uses more yarn than knitting, but cables take it to a whole other level.

    10. MeepMeep*

      For grocery bags, crochet is better – it’s not as stretchy. For clothing items, knitting is better (the fabric is lighter and stretchier). Both are fun to do.

    11. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I strongly prefer crocheting even though I learned knitting first – mainly because I find that second needle difficult to work with. That said, I agree with most commenters here that crochet would be better to make grocery bags with – the end result tends to be sturdier (although in my case my knitting may just be shitty :p).

    12. Lost in the Woods*

      It depends a lot on the person. I can barely chain, despite my crochet friends’ best efforts. I can’t figure out where to stick the hook, while my spreadsheet of a brain is very well suited to knitting.

      In my opinion, crochet would be much better for grocery bags, since it generally anchors the yarn more, while knitting allows give and stretch between stitches by design. Crochet is also much easier to do freeform, while knitting is kind of like a grid – you can increase and decrease or change directions using various techniques, but the most basic knitting is columns and rows of stitches. Because knitting is stretchy, it works better for garments and things like socks, while crochet makes a much sturdier fabric with less drape which is good for objects (like bags). Both make nice hats, mittens, and blankets, although with somewhat different properties.

      The barrier to entry for knitting tends to be higher, also, because the first step of crochet (chaining) is pretty easy, while the first step of knitting (casting on) is one of the most complicated parts of it.

      Crochet is also harder if you’re a lefty, in my opinion, because all the instructions (in my experience) are right handed, while very few people knit in reverse. Most lefty knitters simply hold the working yarn in their left hand, in a style called continental knitting.

      1. Lucy*

        I find that most crochet websites and blogs nowadays duplicate their tutorials for left-handers – brave new world!

        1. Lost in the Woods*

          That’s good to hear!

          (Unfortunately I learn best in person, and while my best friend is a fabulous crocheter, she is right handed. I have yet to come across a lefty crocheter in person, alas.)

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            Would a youtube video help? There’s a youtube channel called Naztazia that does left-handed beginner tutorials.

    13. Lost in the Woods*

      I agree with the consensus that crochet would be better for the specific purpose of grocery bags; crochet basically anchors the yarn with each stitch, while knitting is a series of loops which can pull on one another, giving it stretch and drape but less stability.

      That being said, some people are happily both knitters and crocheters but a lot of people also have a preference, and if you really dislike crochet then I recommend trying out knitting. Crochet is much more freeform while knitting is more structured; personally I really prefer the sort of grid structure of knitting. In crochet there are too many options for me!

      (I tried to post this earlier but it’s not showing up for me, if it does for others then I apologize for the double!)

    14. Lucy*

      oh and if your mental image of crochet is mainly Afghans of granny squares then ugh ugh ugh please Google “Sophie’s Universe” and see how intricate modern crochet blankets can be.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        I just looked this up – WOW. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing… I haven’t crocheted in years, so it is “probably” way beyond my abilities… but gorgeous.

    15. tamarack & fireweed*

      The fabrics you can obtain are very different. Stretchiness is greater with knitted fabric, and different stitches give you quite a variety — though with lace, you also have tons of options in crochet. Crochet fabric tends to be stiffer and sturdier. So I’d crochet pot holders and dish washing cloths! But if you want fine, homogeneous fabric, I’d go for knitting. (I haven’t ever worn, say, crocheted socks…)

      Usually crochet is considered to be easier to learn (only one live stitch at a time, or very few for complicated stitches), and faster in production of fabric quantity.

      Either has its place of course, and I frown upon any jockeying for superiority.

      1. tamarack & fireweed*

        (You asked for my preference — I’m a knitter, and only have crocheted a few ornaments and edgings lately. I want to learn weaving next.)

    16. Blue_eyes*

      I agree with others that you probably want crochet for making open weave grocery bags.

      Here’s an example of a quick mesh produce bag in crocheting:
      http://diyods.blogspot.com/2010/04/crocheted-produce-bag.html

      I’ve knitted for almost 20 years and crocheted for almost 10 and I don’t have a strong preference. They each are good for different things. Crochet generally works up faster, and is easier to pause in the middle of a row or round. I also find it easier to “fudge” things in crochet if something isn’t coming out quite right (like increasing or decreasing a stitch here or there), whereas with knitting I might need to unpick multiple rows to fix the problem without leaving a visible error. Some people also find crochet easier because there’s only one hook and only one “live” stitch at a time. Knitting is often better when you want a really polished finished look because the stitches tend to look more even and precise on a finished piece. I find that crocheted pieces always retain a bit of a folksy home-made look even when done correctly.

      1. Blue_eyes*

        Also, I’m left handed, but have never learned to knit or crochet “left-handed” because I mostly taught myself from books and online tutorials, and those were all right handed. When I first learned to knit I fairly quickly taught myself to hold the yarn in my left hand aka “continental knitting”, which may have been easier for me than others due to being left handed. So when I learned to crochet, I just kept holding the yarn in my left hand and held the hook in my right hand.

        For knitting in color work, I can hold one color in each hand so I don’t have to keep switching which color I’m holding.

    17. Windchime*

      I’m on team knitting. I know how to crochet and have made some cool things with it, but I like the way knitting looks better and it’s soothing to me to knit in front of the TV (depending on what I’m knitting). I’ve knit some really cute stuffed animals and am currently working on another one (teddy bear). But I do love me a cute granny square and am always up for crocheting something, too.

  20. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I’m currently trying to figure out how to write myself out of a corner…Might need to rewrite a big chunk of this chapter…

    1. Julia*

      I’m kind of taking a break right now, and I miss it. But work has been really busy lately and my health not 100%, so I’m doing a lot of relaxing and easy things like games or TV instead of using my limited brain capacity. Maybe I should try to at least come up with ideas during downtime, but that’s where I’m also stuck…

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oof, hope things calm down for you a bit!
        Honestly, relaxing is also quite important, you can’t be “on” all the time. As for coming up with ideas…Is there anything in the games you play/shows you watch that really interests you? A certain theme or something? Maybe it can help to try and figure out how to put your own spin on that theme/a certain type of character/a certain type of plot?

        1. Julia*

          Thank you!! I already have my characters and setting, but am trying to fill the plot these days. I do keep up with new stuff I want to try out, but don’t really need any more half-baked ideas for now…

    2. Liane*

      I need to finish a quick review for the game blog and then I am ahead a month! (Not counting the 2 or 3 in Reserve, for if I am sick or something.) So I will start articles to go up during holidays, then get back to staying a couple weeks ahead. It’s one of the little perks of having editor access on our Word Press–I can schedule my own.

    3. Claire*

      It’s been a long slow slog again this week, but I am making progress on #pirates2.

      But my editor did send me the cover art for #pirates1 and it’s gorgeous. (Link added in reply.)

          1. Claire*

            Thanks! I had to go through a round or two with the publisher, so I’m glad they finally came through with artwork that wasn’t all about a white woman in a tank top. My agent and editor both went to bat for me on that one.

            Publishing is funny. :)

    4. Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus*

      I’m thinking about doing NaNoWriMo this year. I tried to do it all last year in November, but lost steam and got overwhelmed with trying to outline-and-write at the same time.

      I’ve got a story idea, and some stuff on what I want it to do emotionally, but I’m thinking of doing a bit more detailed work before November hits this time.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Yeah, that’s a thing I hear a lot about NaNoWriMo (and is also one of the reasons I personally don’t participate). I’d say go for it with more detailed planning, it might help. And I’ll be wishing you luck if you decide to participate!

        1. Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus*

          Thanks! Yeah, I’m definitely going to spend more time prewriting this time so I don’t burn out. Although I’ll try and remember that this really isn’t supposed to be anything beyond a first draft, so I won’t sweat being perfect.

      2. Lucy*

        ooh that’s an idea – I have a rough outline for something I never quite start. NaNoWriMo would be a great time to tackle it!

        Thank you for the inspiration.

      3. Grace*

        This is the first NaNo since I became interested in it when it won’t be slap-bang in the middle of exam/essay/revision season (two years of GCSEs, two years of A-Levels, three years of a BA – I’m graduating next week and hope to be in a job, any job, ASAP) so I’m cautiously hopeful, although I recognise that the majority of working adults also find that time is short! But working days generally finish at a set time, as opposed to my studying days that usually finished somewhere between 9pm and 11pm, so I’ll hopefully have evenings.

        1. Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus*

          Congrats! Kinda the same here. Definitely looking forward to having more time for this kinda thing.

  21. Anona*

    I’m so sorry. What a beautiful photo. I hope you guys will have peace and be able to think on your happier memories with her soon.

    1. CJM*

      I’m sorry too. Lucy is my favorite kind of cat: creamsicle colored. We loved “creamsicle cats” too: Minkee and Sunny. Little goofballs. I sure do miss them. My heart aches for you, Alison.

  22. Elf*

    I’m sort of trying to start Bullet Journaling to see if it works for me, and since I’ve seen it recommended here a bunch of times I’m hoping for some advice. I’ve looked at a lot of the online materials, so I think I mostly have a handle on how it physically works (though tips are still appreciated), but I could use some more overview of how the practice fits into your day, and what reflection is supposed to be/do/look like, frequency of migration, etc.

    Please keep in mind during your responses that my personal woo tolerance is approximately -1000.

    1. it happens*

      No woo here. Bullet journaling = blank notebook. So YOU make (And break) the rules. What I like about my notebook is that I only template one week at a time. In practice that means at the start of the month I make and fill out (what I already know) the two page spread of the days of the month and the To Dos and then draw out the first week. And all of the rest of the book from that point forward is blank. So if I want to take notes on a meeting or reflect on something for a day or a week, I can. And then the next weekend sketch out a new week. That’s the value of the index. And some weeks I just skip because I’m doing something else. It’s MY book. I have some cool gel pens that I use sometimes, but it’s whatever I feel like and I do not feel beholden to any diktats from the interwebs. I even have some pages I started from the BACK of the book where I keep lists of books/movies/resources. The horror.
      Go ahead, start your book in the Middle of the month. Embrace the blank page!

      1. valentine*

        blank notebook. So YOU make (And break) the rules. What I like about my notebook is that I only template one week at a time.
        Yes. I have a page for the week, one line per day, and the space underneath is for stuff that can be done any day that week. The right side is for my grocery list. I have a separate page for ongoing shopping I need to do, and one for maintenance things like how often something’s cleaned or any health stats I need to keep. I use Post-Its for laundry because that to-do list became oppressive, but I might go back because the Post-Its pile bothers me.

    2. sometimesreader*

      There’s a group on YouTube that is focusing on bullet journalling for the month of July. I’d Recommend checking out Rhomanys Realm, she’s a very non woo artist/witchy person. She’s taking the month to follow the bullet journal very stricktly and posts videos about the different pieces of the method. She’s just posted a video this past week on reflections. Also check out her (admittedly long) q&a sessions that were originally livestreams.

    3. Penguin*

      I haven’t used bullet journaling myself, but should you want to dig into the topic more there is an excellent podcast that talks about it (as well as a host of other organization/productivity things)- productivityalchemy.com.
      (No woo there- the name is a joke/reference; the host works in IT and is very down-to-earth.)

      Good luck!

    4. Twinkle*

      I started a bullet journal this year and read/watched a tone of advice about how to do it. One thing I didn’t love was the need to estimate how many pages you would need for a category and if it wasn’t enough, create a “go to page X” or front page noting page numbers. I also didn’t like the idea that I couldn’t easily rip out a page (as it would need up the page numbers and affect later pages). But I found someone suggesting you could use a binder and so that’s what I’ve done. If I need more pages in a category, I just add them in, and I take it pages I no longer want. (I just bought a $2 A5 sized binder at a stationery store and covered it with fabric then inserted paper cut to size and hole-punched; is also been a very affordable solution.) I don’t do a lot of “make it pretty” kind of stuff, it really is more a practical tool for me, but I do use leftover scrapbooking paper as some of my pages, which does make it look a little more interesting.

    5. Ewesername*

      Use a bullet style journal as my go to at work for sorting out my day. I don’t get fancy anymore. I have some sticker dots I use and the book I use has an index in the front that one like for tracking where I write down important stuff I might need later. (Like – what did we order last year for the xmas party. Oh no, I need to do a pivot table).
      You’ll figure out as you go along what works for you and what doesn’t.

      1. Reliquary*

        “Woo” is shorthand for “woo-woo.”

        noun
        1. unconventional beliefs regarded as having little or no scientific basis, especially those relating to spirituality, mysticism, or alternative medicine.
        “some kind of metaphysical woo-woo”

  23. Lupin Lady*

    Tldr: I need relationship advice/perspective from a community I respect.
    I’m strongly considering breaking up from my common law husband of over 5 years. We own a house together that neither one of us can afford on our own. We tried couples counselling 2.5 years ago and we got back together, we both improved things, though he refused to attend more than a few sessions. In the past month we’ve fought about 2 different things so badly I’ve considered leaving permanently. I’m exhausted from carrying the emotional needs of this relationship. He refuses to apologize for anything, which is this final straw. A few weeks ago I was away for a wedding (which he didn’t go to due to medical concerns with the long drive) and he went out with some friends, including a flirty female friend he’s known his entire life. All fine, I’m not the jealous type and I trust him. His 2 friends end up staying over at our house that night, and she wore his boxers at night. She slept in a spare bedroom. My issue with this is that a mutual friend told me about this, my spouse didn’t mention it. Also not okay with anyone but me wearing his boxers. When I brought it up he didn’t think there was anything to tell since nothing happened and it would never happen. I’ve reiterated that it’s not the fact she stayed over that I’m upset about, it’s that he didn’t tell me. He can’t grasp this at all and now we haven’t spoken for 2 days. He’s told his friend that I’m mad she stayed over and she turned up last night with a guy she’s dating; I’m so mad I didn’t go out to see them. Please, I need some perspective, opinions, or maybe experiences from leaving a long term relationship at 30. For what it’s worth I do have somewhere I can go while we sell the house, and could afford to rent a place on my own.

    1. NeonFireworks*

      This sucks – sorry to hear. It sounds like he’s checked out. It’s only possible to do so much to compensate when the extent to which the other person is putting in the effort is really limited. I suspect that by not doing more, he’s clearly indicating whether salvaging your marriage is important to him.

    2. ATX Language Learner*

      I would absolutely leave. He sounds disrespectful and unwilling to make changes. The flirty friend wearing boxers would be the final straw for me, I wouldn’t even want her staying the night! Who the f does that?

      Your emotional needs and mental sanity are important and it sounds like you’re ready to GTFO and move on so you can be happy.

      Whenever I have friends in relationships that aren’t going great, I always ask them if this is something they’re willing to deal with for the rest of their life. Does he/she make you happy more than irritated/sad/angry? Are they willing to work on their own problems and grow with you? Are they willing to work out issues and communicate when there’s a disagreement?

      Sorry you’re having to go through this and I hope you are happy soon!!

    3. Reba*

      Hi Lupin Lady, as I read your post what popped into my mind at like line 3 was “lady, life is too short!” My reaction is definitely being colored by all the times I’ve seen the brilliant, fabulous women in my life try to make it work for what seems like forever with partners who are …. Not trying nearly as hard! Just “managing” the relationship with an immature partner becomes such a weight and it’s really sad.

      I don’t know if he’s being unfaithful or ever would… But he certainly doesn’t appear to care about your feelings or that he has harmed your trust. I mean, he’s just not acting like you’re someone he cares about, or owes any consideration to.

      The Sheelzebub principle is evergreen: if you knew it was going to stay like this for another year, would you want to stay? Five years? Ten?

      Moreover, you can leave at any time, just because you’re not feeling it anymore–there does not have to be an incident that is “bad enough” or whatever.

      Maybe see what happens if you suggest counseling again? At the very least, you will be able to know that you tried and you were fair.

      At the same time I think you should be getting ready to leave — lock up your finances and find personal documents and valuables.

      Easy for me to say, I know.

      Good luck sorting things out!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Bingo, this is it right here, LL.

        The friend with the boxers is a symptom of an on-going issue. There are only so many times a person can jab us and finally there is a jab that is a game changer.
        You hit your load limit. You are done with all these “small” betrayals one right after the other.
        And, of course, that is correct. Life does not have to be this hard. You could have a person in your life who actually values you and wants you around instead of tolerating this crap.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I was going to make a comment to say just this as well.

        From what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound as if your husband wants to change. Ask yourself how long you’re willing to go on for if the status quo remains the same. Another day, week, month, year, decade, lifetime?

        It’s never easy to close the door on something that you hoped would be a success, but walking away from something that is causing you grief and anxiety isn’t losing. It’s choosing yourself, prioritising yourself, and that is so, so important.

        If you’re not ready to permanently separate, why not try a trial separation and see if your husband puts in any work to keep you around? I’m not saying that’ll change anything, but it’ll give you an indication of whether or not he’s willing to work at the relationship or if the entire workload is on your shoulders. Furthermore, you need a break. You need to take time for yourself.

        Good luck.

    4. Anona*

      Can you tell him you’re thinking of leaving and would like to consider counseling again? What do you have to lose?

      1. Damien*

        What does she have to GAIN from staying? Another five years of his low-effort behaviour and refusal to see things from her point of view?

      2. Wishing You Well*

        It sounds like things are getting worse.
        I wouldn’t warn this guy about leaving but I WOULD go to counseling with the focus on “how do I leave this guy in a way that’s best for me?” A therapist can really help with that. You’ll also need an expert on how to dispose of the house.

    5. Goose Lavel*

      Men tend to be conflict adverse and with your shared history, he most likely didn’t mention it to avoid the arguments and drama that he feared would occur.
      Just a thought to consider for your next chat with him.

      1. Lupin Lady*

        Hey Goose, thank you for your perspective. That makes sense except for the fact that we’ve been doing great and I’m very low drama- to the point where his friends comment on it. I would have been fine if he had just explained they crashed here in the same conversation he told me about the rest of the night- and it was on the phone, so he could have avoided an in person discussion easily. I understand that just because people say they’re low-drama doesn’t mean it’s true. I honestly think the most I would have done would be a loaded ‘hmm’ while I got used to the idea.

        1. Maya Elena*

          That’s true, but does he know that, exactly what you said above, in so many words? And how does this particular, comparatively minor conflict fit into the context of other conflicts?

          I will say though, I think people are a lot more mercurial than they realize, depending on things like hunger and general stress. Definitely true for me and my husband – we do not always compare that favorably with our toddler for emotional regulation. :D

        2. Foreign Octopus*

          So this “low-drama” thing…I appreciate it because I’m fairly low-drama in my own life as well, but low-drama doesn’t mean not standing up for yourself and recognising when things are wrong.

          I may be wrong here, but it seems that you’re caught in a trap of thinking “I’m low-drama, I shouldn’t be overreacting to this”. It’s like you’ve trained yourself to fit into other people’s perceptions of you as an easy-going person, and that’s fine. Be easy-going, absolutely, but there’s easy-going and low-drama and then there’s a doormat (please forgive that, I can’t think of a better way to phrase it).

          It seems like it’s been a series of little things that have built up over the five years you’ve been married and haven’t been properly dealt with within the relationship. This friend staying over is just the latest in a long line and looks to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The thing with a multitide of small things happening over time is that when you do finally snap under the pressure, people only see you snapping under a small thing. They don’t see the weight of what’s built up behind you, so it’s easy to pass it off as overreacting.

          Except it’s not.

          You know the truth of the situation. You know that you’re at the end of your tether because of all those other things, and the important thing is to do what’s right for you.

          Your husband is going to have his own truth about your relationship and the possible end of it. That’s the truth he’s going to be telling people, and it won’t be your truth. Whilst that sucks, it’s also okay. If it means that you can have a life where you’re not crying because your husband isn’t communicating with you and you no longer feel this urge to leave then it’s a fair payoff for people who don’t know about the situation to think of you in perhaps less than complimentary terms.

          Do what is best for you, screw everyone else.

        3. Goose Lavel*

          Here’s something from my past for perspective. When I first married my spouse and started having get togethers with her friends, one of her friends became very flirty with me, but I didn’t recognize it.

          I only became aware of it at one get together, where Ms Flirty was directly across from me at the table and I suddenly got glaring, pissed off looks from my wife.

          I really had no clue as to why she was pissed until everyone left and my wife accused me of too much chat and eye contact with her flirting friend; she thought I was flirting with her. I was gobsmacked!

          Wife said this was the last time she would put up with it as the flirting happened every time Ms Flirty came to visit. I didn’t know I was “flirting”; I only thought I was just chatting with one of her friends as I was trying to get to know them. I was completely clueless and it took multiple conversations to convince my wife that my social interaction was completely benign.

          Things only completely resolved once flirty friend stopped coming to our get togethers and she eventually lost contact with the group.

          It was quite the eye opener for me as I a social introvert and I was really trying to connect with her friends. Couples therapy really helped us to understand our unique individual communication styles and form a new way of communicating as a couple. Still married for 31 years.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be mad” is … not actually okay, and is in fact a pretty solid red flag that there’s a problem somewhere in the situation.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          Totally agree. The high drama, low drama thing is kind of a red herring. It wasn’t you and your specific reaction he was hiding from, it was any kind of reaction or hassle that he would (in his mind) have to put up with. Guessing he’s conflict averse with his friend/family too.

          I was in a serious (for college) relationship with a guy who had the flirty friend and hid the fact that they went to the movies together when I was away – he lied and said it was with another friend but slipped up later. “But I know you don’t like her so I knew you’d be mad.” He wanted to be friends with her and enjoy the flirting, but avoid getting me mad enough to break up with him. It’s not that you can’t have both, it’s that you can’t have both without some consequences.

          In hindsight I should have called it quits then but young+stupid. Ultimately, he was a good boyfriend in many small respects but not the primary one – actually building toward a future together and not just saying so. I did finally end it after 4.5 years, but I regret not doing it sooner.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            Yup. This one. Also “men are conflict averse?” Bullshit. Guess men never started a war then.

    6. Not a Morning Person*

      Comments here are really good. For more you might want to write to Captain Awkward. She has a great way of offering advice and helping you see how you can make changes if you choose.

      1. SciDiver*

        She also has talked about being upset by how-you-gave-me-the-news vs. the-news-itself. I know you said you would have been fine with it if he had just explained it at the time…but you might want to think about how true that is, since this sounds like it’s been a long struggle of him pushing buttons and boundaries. Would you really be okay with all this if he had told you at the time “the guys are staying over and Flirty Friend is in the spare room and didn’t have anything to wear so she’s in a pair of my boxers, see you tomorrow bye”? It feels like of course that would be better, I wouldn’t be nearly so mad if I just knew about it, but you’re allowed to be mad no matter how the news was delivered. He does things that upset you and he knows it too, and it’s part of an ongoing pattern. Don’t let how you “should feel” or “would feel” get in the way of how you feel right now about all this.

        1. valentine*

          Would you really be okay with all this if he had told you at the time “the guys are staying over and Flirty Friend is in the spare room and didn’t have anything to wear so she’s in a pair of my boxers, see you tomorrow bye”?
          Yeah, this sounds like revenge on his part. “You left me, so I invited Flirty over and gave her my boxers, but you can’t be mad and don’t you trust me?!” Is he trying to get your goat or to make you jealous, to let you know there’s a runner-up at the ready? (Not that this should change how you proceed.) You seem resigned to him doing whatever he wants (cutting off counseling, having a (flirty) woman in your house overnight). Aren’t there terms and conditions you both agreed to?

          Call a divorce lawyer so they can tell you if your state calls leaving abandoning the family home, whether you should document a walk-through (Would he damage the place to make you stay (longer)?), how to deal with assets, and so on. They’ve heard and seen it all. Let them help you help yourself.

          Picture your peaceful future life. Make a list of the steps to get there and cross them off or color a graph of your progress. I hope this works out for you.

    7. Maya Elena*

      I wonder, how does the conversation go when he does something you think requires an apology? Does the anger escalate really quickly? When the anger escalates, does baggage/resentment from past arguments come up, and blanket statements like “you never apologize”? I know I have no desire to apologize when my husband confronts me with a lot of anger – even if he’s right – especially over something I didn’t think was that big a deal.
      If yes, perhaps changing this dynamic might help repair the relationship? That would mean creating a “safe space” for discussion, so he knows you’re not looking to attack him or argue; articulating what exactly made you angry, and *why* you think he should apologize; hearing his side without judgment; and acknowledging your own contributions to the conflict – e.g., poorly communicated desires, dragging in irrelevant past conflicts.

      1. Lupin Lady*

        This is something we really improved on 2.5 years ago, and it’s a good skill we’ve kept up (for the most part), so thank you for the comment. This time, I tried staying calm and explaining my feelings and I just get defensiveness “nothing happened” it seems like he doesn’t hear me at all: that the issue is he didn’t tell me about it, not that a drunk friend crashed at our place. And that defensiveness just has me worried that there’s an emotional affair going on. I know he’s not physically cheating.

        1. Texan In Exile*

          Even if he had told me about it, I would still be bothered. Sharing underwear is really intimate.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I agree. If it were my dude and he’d loaned a friend a pair of pjs or a t-shirt, I’d probably not think much of it, but underpants? Coupled with the fact that he didn’t mention it would make me feel really weird.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My thoughts on leaving a relationship at 30: I was divorced twice by the time I was 30. (I was dumb. I married two different irresponsible manchildren. Don’t be me, kids.) I took some flak for it. But you know, regardless of your age or relationship longevity, you deserve happiness. If you can’t find it with him, you have a better chance of finding it without him. And the years are going to pass. Do you think you’re going to feel better leaving him in another five or ten years?

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      For me, telling my partner that I’m hugely upset and having my partner explain back to me, not that they didn’t realize or they’d like us to figure out how to do things differently, but just that their personal opinion shows that I am wrong to be upset, is such a demonstration of disrespect that I would not be able to stay in the relationship. To me it’s not even the specific issue. He hurt your feelings and doesn’t seem to care except to prove you’re wrong. You’re so young! Sell the damn house and live in freedom.

    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I’m inclined to say yes, end this: you’ve told him you’re unhappy about something, and he doesn’t (or won’t) grasp it, and therefore thinks it shouldn’t matter. You don’t have to understand why something would bother another person, to understand that it does.

    11. Dan*

      Ok… so IMHO, I don’t think the sharing-the-boxers-thing is all that big of a deal. But that’s not what this is about.

      What this is about is that this relationship isn’t working for you, and you’re not happy.

      I got divorced five years ago. At the time, I was known to say, “I’m glad she did some really crazy stuff, it was a good excuse to call it quits and file for divorce. If things didn’t get quite so bad, I would have stuck it out and been miserable.”

      I was framing it wrong in my mind. If I was miserable and things weren’t going to change, what was I sticking around for?

      The problem with American culture is that we have somehow decided that it is “Relationship Uber Alles” and I don’t quite get it. Not all relationships are good, and yet, we’ve somehow created this thing where a bad relationship is better than none at all. Why?

      My rant aside, you’re not happy. You made a good faith effort to lay out your position and change things. Things aren’t changing. Leave!

      1. Merci Dee*

        Americans are known for their can-do, keep-on-keepin’-on spirit in general, and that ends up working out so strangely in relationships. Especially with the idea that quitting is a moral failure all the time, instead of being a wise and reasoned approach in some situations. Coupled with the fact that you’re not even a “complete” person if you’re not joined at the hip with a significant other, regardless of whether the two of you are suited for each other. Between the fear of failure and being labeled a loser, on top of the irrational need to be paired no matter how bad the situation is, it’s no wonder that people have the same general feelings of “my partner hasn’t gone off the deep end in front of me, so I have to hang around even though I’m thoroughly miserable.”

        1. TemporaryMe*

          +1. I made that mistake. Now, some of my friends say “you were a poster child for why being single is not worse than some marriages…”

    12. KR*

      Honestly this relationship doesn’t sound worth it. It would be so easy for him to say, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn’t see the big deal but I also didn’t think about how you would feel about it. I will tell you if she comes over next time and not lend her my boxers.” But he’s not and that’s the point. He refuses to admit he’s wrong even when he can plainly see it’s causing you emotional turmoil and it will not get better. He doesn’t respect your feelings.

      Also like… His boxers?! I get they were probably clean but he doesn’t have any gym shorts or PJ pants to lend her? Or even call you up really quick and ask if she can borrow a pair of your PJ pants? Yuck I would not want to wear my guy friends boxers.

    13. sum of two normal distributions*

      You can call those 5 years a sunk cost, experience, a ‘this is what I refuse to go through again,’ a relationship you’ve outgrown but I would seriously consider how much more time you want to spend with this person. Is this just another rough patch? How many of those rough patches do you want to deal with going forward? Are the middle patches of ‘peace’ worth it to you? Are there real solutions in the future or is this his character? If you can, I would go stay with someone else, out of this shared space you have with him that might remind you of your anger or make you sentimental. Then I would suggest taking a whole day for YOU – pamper yourself how you know how and then with a clearer head, make a simple pro/con list. You can love someone but not be good with them so I would keep it objective.

      However, I am confused by “Also not okay with anyone but me wearing his boxers.” So you are okay with her staying over if he had told you but in that case, would the boxers have been another issue? There are a lot of reasons to get out of this relationship; mainly, you have set up a dynamic where you ‘put up’ with stuff and don’t hold him accountable until it festers and explodes into him doing something outrageous wherein he gets to villainizing you as being dramatic when you reasonably protest. That’s why you are clinging to terms like “I am not the jealous type” (that boxer statement, imo, makes me feel otherwise; it may not be jealously but it’s a lack of trust, which is the root of jealousy) and “I am low drama” (low drama =/= letting everything fly) – you have to stick up for yourself and take control of the narrative of your relationship, which he controls at the moment.

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        A relationship can end and still have been worth having: a friend of mine once described his time with an ex as “we had five good years, and two bad ones.” He might in retrospect wish that they’d had five good years and only a few bad months, but he didn’t regret having been with that person.

        1. sum of two normal distributions*

          That’s a really lovely way to look at it actually. Maybe ‘sunk cost’ is a bad word to use but I was trying express to OP that being with someone for 5 years doesn’t mean you have to keep trying, even for another 5 months. The amount of times I have seen “we’ve been together for x years” being used to justify a situation where no one is happy is upsetting. There is a case to make for familiarity and years together but ultimately being paired off shouldn’t trump personal happiness and satisfaction.

          I agree – I don’t think regretting a relationship is ever a good position to take. You learn something and grow and barring any overt abuse, were probably quite happy at some phase in the relationship. These are all things to be grateful for.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        However, I am confused by “Also not okay with anyone but me wearing his boxers.” So you are okay with her staying over if he had told you but in that case, would the boxers have been another issue?

        Well… yeah, probably? Guests are one thing, but if your wife or husband gives someone else a pair of their underwear, that’s the sort of thing that raises questions. Do you think he’d have been as fine if she gave some guy her panties?

        1. sum of two normal distributions*

          I read it as he gave the flirty friend boxers as pajama shorts since it’s summertime/hot (he could have given her OP’s clothes but personally, that would be a line for me). Woman’s panties usually cannot double as men’s bottoms like men’s boxers can double as women’s shorts.

          It seemed inconsequential in the grand scheme of things – she still stayed over (so whatever happened, happened – boxers or no boxers) and he still didn’t tell her (even if nothing happened).

    14. NoLongerYoung*

      I may have missed this perspective here… and I admit (see the end) that I am viewing this from the lens of personal experience…
      But consider this possibility (only you know if your guy is like this):

      If you are carrying all the emotional water in this relationship (and in living together common law for 5 years, over half of it you’ve struggled if you have had 2.5 years since counseling…you’ve been the one doing the work so far)…

      it may be that he is somehow trying to make YOU leave. In other words, he may be so passive or in denial/ avoiding his feelings, that he doesn’t want to actually end it himself… so he’s trying to have you do it.

      Now, he’s not only starving the relationship with a thousand little cuts of neglect…. he’s added concealing, and the flirty one. Why? Not only is he no longer working on the relationship… it may be that he is over you, but not even willing to say so. So he sets it up that “you” are the one that breaks it off. Problem solved. He moves on, blames you, does no work.

      I could have it all wrong… but I lived it (where I was manipulated into doing all the decisions and taking all the blame).

    16. The Rat-Catcher*

      I’m almost 30, husband is 35. This is super over the line for me. Staying at random friend’s houses and even borrowing clothes might have been par for the course when I was 20 (although even then I’d wear my own underwear, goodness), but not now and definitely not with someone in a committed LTR. Also “but nothing haaaaaappened” is a red flag, whether it’s true or not.

  24. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Gardening thread! We visited the regional market today and I got a little over ambitious because one of the local nurseries had a “last spring market season” sale…

    1. Reba*

      What did you get????

      I’m patio gardening: passionflower vine is going gangbusters and the little ferns for the walls pots (shade) seem happy.

      We have several baobabs growing from seed, and I think they are happy to get to live outside for now!

      1. SpellingBee*

        Oh yes . . . I am SO bad about this! For the first time ever, though, I have a large enough space (we’re on an acre of land) that I have enough space to put those “oh so pretty don’t know where it will go but have to have one” purchases. TBH, though, I’ve always done it.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        BAOBABS!? I’m having all sorts of Little Prince images now. How do they do in pots?

    3. PX*

      Late last summer I spontaneously threw some tomato seeds (from actual tomatoes I had bought, so not seeds specifically for growing) in a pot and to my surprise, they sprouted and survived growing all winter in my pretty dark flat. Now its summer and I’ve been putting them put to get sun and while they are quite tall, I’m sad they don’t seem to be flowering at all. I’d love to get some actual tomatoes! I give them plant food every few weeks and water almost every day, mainly by gauging if the soil is dry/leaves are droopy.

      In contrast, the pepper seeds I also spontaneously threw in pots have flowered and have some adorable peppers growing.

      This is all patio gardening, in the UK. Tips?

      1. Phlox*

        The tomatoes might be indeterminate and want to constantly grow and spend less energy on fruiting. Might be worth looking into

      2. Venus*

        Pinch out the new growth so they stop with the leaves and start with flowers. Remove any new small growth near the base of the stem.

        There might be more (fertilizer? Different light?) – I’m no tomato expert but I was given that advice years ago.

    5. Venus*

      I just ate a bunch of raspberries straight from the garden, collected some garlic snapes (the buds at the top can be used instead of garlic in recipes), and ‘played with’ my tomato flowers (apparently to promote fertilization one should vibrate them a bit (I know of someone who uses an electric toothbrush) so I just give them a quick touch in the hope that it helps.

      My milkweed are growing and bblooming like mad (saw two monarchs yesterday!), the orange lilies and some yellow flowers are blooming, and my clematis is growing well.

      Oh, and the asparagus (perennial) is a fluffy plant so it doesn’t cast much shade, so I planted it throughout my garden and it looks like it has taken over! Other things are growing with it, but you can barely see them (the roses and catnip are mostly hidden). So it’s a sea of orange, yellow, and asparagus fronds (each are in different spots). The potatoes have surprised me by growing, although I may need more dirt for them in order to optimize their numbers.

      1. HannahS*

        Yes, the tomatoes! My tomato blossoms were shriveling up and dying without producing tomatoes, so I started giving the stakes they’re attached to a firm shake whenever I water them, and it made all the difference! My garden is a balcony garden, so there isn’t much of a breeze, because it’s north-facing and shielded on three sides.

        1. Venus*

          All my flowers are attracting little local bees (mason bees) so I probably don’t need to give them a ‘buzz’, but it’s easy to do!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I got interrupted as I was writing that, and I am about to get interrupted again. It’s just been that kind of a day!
      We got a flat of 8 basils, 2 sages, enough dill to fill a large planter, 5 lilies, and a peppermint (my daughter’s request).
      This is loopy because I still have not prepped places for everything — and the weather hasn’t cooperated. Although we did get the surprise volunteer tomato transplanted out of the geranium/dahlia pot, and finally got the zinnias in.
      The darned deer ate my blackcap raspberries down 8 inches just as they were ripening. Thorns, stems, berries, and all.
      But we’ve been having cherry tomatoes by the handful…my daughter even snuck a few into Endgame this morning.

    7. Jen Erik*

      One of our trees fell over this week. Was a thirty to forty year old weeping beech, very pretty, so that was a bit sad. I’m growing dahlias for the first time this year: so far, I’m not convinced – they’re nice, but I’m not sure if they’re reward enough for all the faffing about they entail. (But maybe I chose the wrong ones.) And some of the kale is not happy – the red ones are fine, but about three of the green ones just keep falling over. I’m wondering if it’s cabbage root fly?
      Apart from that, we did the annual trimming back of the Virginia Creeper yesterday, so everything is looking nicely tidy, and we can see out of all the windows!

    8. Grace*

      As a spur of the moment thing a few months ago, my housemates and I – despite the garden being the landlord’s responsibility under the lease, and despite none of us being particularly green-fingered – decided to take over the strip of dirt at the front of the house, in-between the wall and the metre of paving. Just picture your standard late-nineteenth/early-twentieth British terrace and you have it.

      Five perennials for £10 was a pretty good deal. The two aubretias died rapidly – it was a little bizarre given that they’re rockery plants and you would have thought they’d be well-suited to the terrain, and we did stick to the planting guidelines – but the iberis and dianthus are chugging along, and the wallflower is flourishing. We might buy more this year and plant along the length. The pack of wildflower seeds that were rather carelessly scattered have produced an as-yet-unknown climber that will need to be trained over the wall. We all know that future tenants will likely fail to care for them and will let them run wild, but at least they’ll look pretty while doing it, as opposed to the scrubby moss-covered patch of ground that greeted us…

  25. BeanCat*

    Bwuh. I’m trying to handle my stress better, but I woke up completely at 3 am and was on and off the rest of the night. We had tentative plans to drive an hour and a half north for a friend’s family party today, but combined with little sleep and my endo aches recently I’m not sure I’ll go. Can I give myself permission to stay in and get better?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Yep.
      In my mind it’s not optional. You absolutely need to rest, no discussion necessary.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      *flutter flutter flutter*
      *wand*
      You absolutely have permission to stay home because you are not feeling well.
      *flutter flutter flutter*

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Happy to help! A post like yours, with someone expressly wanting an adulting fairy to okay a decision, was where my tag line came from :) I hope you feel better soon!

    5. BeanCat*

      Update: staying in helped a bit! I’m still not 100% this morning, but my friend ended up canceling our other social obligation. So another day of rest!

    6. Observer*

      Can I give myself permission to stay in and get better?>/i>

      This here is part of your problem. You NEVER need “permission” to take care of yourself!

      Now, I’ll grant that sometimes life gets in the way and it’s not possible or practical to take care of yourself in the optimal way. But if that happens more than rarely you should be looking at what changes you can make so that you can take care of yourself. And even in those cases, it’s not a matter of permission but logistics.

      1. BeanCat*

        It is definitely something I’m working on! I stretch myself too thin a lot and need to learn to say no. That’s, I think, the big change I need to make. Thank you for giving me things to think about!

  26. Central Perk*

    TLDR, is there anything I can do or say to a friend who has a great pattern of staying in lousy relationships because she’s happier being in a couple than being alone

    I’ve been friends with Rachel for ten years now, since we were in college. When we were at school together, myself and other friends noticed that she had a pattern of dating not so great guys. To be clear, not that they were abusive, physically or emotionally, just that they were party boys who never seemed attentive or caring towards Rachel. She’d make comments about her boyfriend at the time being distant and wanting to drink and smoke more than spend time with her. They didn’t seem to make her happy but she was reluctant to break-up. When they did part ways, she was quick to find a new guy with a very similar disposition to the last.

    After college, she seemed to break this pattern and, for at least four years now, has been dating Ross. He’s a major step up from her past boyfriends: kind, publicly affectionate, gels with our friend group, all around seems really great for her. They’ve been living together for a year or two. Lately though, Rachel has been sharing more details about Ross and how she’s unhappy with him: he smokes weed which she knew before but he’s increased his smoking and is pressuring her to smoke with him, he doesn’t want to go out to friend gatherings anymore (he’s been invited to our gatherings but I haven’t seen him at one for two months), she wants to get married but he doesn’t think marriage is important as long as they’re together, and some other things.

    But most distressing about all this is that, when Rachel was sharing with me her frustrations about Ross, she mentioned she’s recently met a guy who she has a passing interest in and said that, if things suddenly fall through with Ross, she could have this guy as a back-up. Rachel has outright told me that she is happier when she is in a relationship and she doesn’t like to be alone. That’s why she had a long string of crappy boyfriends in college because as soon as one ended, she’d be really quick to find another. I thought she had broken the pattern after college and being with a ‘better’ guy so I was really alarmed when, in the same conversation that she’s telling me about her and Ross going to couples counseling, she also said she considers this new guy an immediate option if things with Ross fall through. I have tried in passing to make comments about a relationship not being the end all, be all thing but she insists she’s happier if she’s with someone. For a little armchair diagnosis, Rachel has a physical disability that she considers ugly so I think being in a relationship for her boosts her self-confidence because she has a partner who loves her despite it.

    Anyway, I’m just worried about her pattern starting up again; is there anything I can do to help her see that there is more to life than having to stay in a romantic relationship just to say you’re part of a couple?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It’s probably something she needs to explore in counseling.
      However, for some people a bad plan is better than no plan. You could ask her how much longer she plans on using this bad plan. But I would frame it as “this plan that is not working for you.”

      Sometimes the answer is to just love our friends as they are. Clearly this is a person who thinks they are not lovable. This may be happening for more than one reason, not just the disability. You probably won’t be able to unpack that. But you can encourage her that if she looks for something better she probably will find it. And you can encourage her that she does deserve better.

      1. Central Perk*

        Oh yes I certainly don’t think I can solve all her problems and I don’t mean to pin everything on her disability. I lavish her with love as much as I can, let her know she’s one of my dearest friends, I just wish she could see that she’s loved as she is, not because she’s in a relationship.

        1. Reba*

          I think it’s possible to lovingly say, “can I tell you something I’m observing about you? You seem to have this pattern…(describe) I’m not judging you and no, I don’t have all the answers. I just wanted to say this in case it’s helpful to you because I love you!”
          But only once, I think. You sound like a kind friend!

          1. valentine*

            Maybe Captain Awkward’s original Darth Vader* boyfriend letter would help?
            She’s getting something out of sticking to the one brand, especially with the marijuana feature. Because you can’t replace that, I don’t know that you can help her find a different path, but a therapist can.

            *In German dub/subs, is he Darth Dada, to cancel the spoiler?

            1. Myrin*

              Re: your asterisk, no, he isn’t, because 1. it’s “Vater” and 2. it’s still pronunced the English way and no one would ever connect the two words (in fact, I sat here for close to a minute trying to figure out what you meant ;) ).

    2. HannahS*

      Having been in kind of a similar situation: tell her that you’re concerned about the way he treats her. Validate the negative things she says about the guys. Encourage her to get her own therapist, outside of couples counseling. If you’re single, talk about the nice parts of being single–keeping your own schedule, not considering anyone else’s preferences, traveling alone, etc. If you’re coupled, talk about the things that go well in your relationship (not in a rub-it-in way, in a “we had a conflict and here’s how we solved it” way). Keep your friendship from her independent from the guys she’s with. A person’s deeply-held insecurities can definitely influence why they stay in bad situations, and it did in my friend’s case, but that’s not something a friend can solve; it’s really a therapy thing.

    3. Dan*

      I have to be honest, I really don’t think this is your place, and that you ought to let Rachel make her own decisions. From what you describe, Rachel’s “boyfriends” aren’t all that serious, and seem more like casual things. Her college choices? That seems more like college fun and less like a “serious” relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with that — college is the time for non-serious fun and games.

      And I’m having trouble with your benchmarks for what initially made Ross a good guy: Public affection and gelling with the friend group. Those seem like things that are important to *you* in a relationship (and that’s ok!). But guys can be not publically affectionate, and TBH not gel with the SO’s friend group, and that doesn’t make them bad guys.

      The reality is, if Rachel’s always got backup plans ready at a moment’s notice, there’s no way she can be psychologically commuted to the current relationship. She seems really into casual relationships, so if that’s her jam, just let her be. You don’t say that she lives with her SO-du-jour, nor do you say she has kids. Assuming both are true, all-in-all, it’s her life to live, even if it’s not the ideal for many of us.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      This pattern works for Rachel and she’s aware of what and why she’s doing it.
      Encourage Rachel to see a counselor. You’re too close to be neutral in your advice.
      Accept that Rachel will probably never change and test your feelings about that. Consider setting boundaries for how long and how often you listen to her relationship woes. Do you want to keep doing this?
      The only one you can change is you.

    5. Kuododi*

      No, regrettably the only person you can change is yourself. It’s truly important to know for yourself where your boundaries are when trying to support a friend in this type of situation. (ie- are you willing to provide assistance with “A” but not “B”). Otherwise, there is a genuine risk of burning yourself out and negatively affecting the overall quality of your relationship. Best wishes.

      p.s. I get your good intentions in bringing up your friends disability as a possible source of the problem. Over time, I have learned attributing a distressing behavior concern to one overarching issue leads to a major oversimplification of the predicament. Human beings rarely function on a level of “problem A is the cause of problem B.” We tend to be much more a sum of all our life experiences both positive and negative. I wish you both nothing but the best life can bring.

  27. Is it the city or me*

    Having a tiny life crisis here, please help! I moved to a new city about 9 months ago. I moved to be with my partner who is now in their 2nd year of their PhD program. I’m an army brat, so I’m used to moving. Before this, I lived in Baltimore for two-ish years and loved it. Was really sad to leave, but excited to move out west as I had never been there before and most excited to live with my partner.

    Well, now I hate it here. I cry at least once a month in a “why was I so dumb to move here?” mess. I don’t like the city I live in (it’s a small college town.) I HATE my job, which makes it harder. I travel a lot for my job, so I often don’t have the energy when I come back to really plug into the city. However! I cannot say I haven’t tried.

    In 9 months here, I have:
    -found a therapist to cope (miss my old therapist, but I miss everything about my old city)
    -joined volunteer groups and have become active there
    -tried numerous activities that interest me here like arts, roller derby, started fostering dogs (this has helped me cope!!) etc.
    -made many different acquaintances that border on friendship, but still need more time to click (probably? I just haven’t clicked with many people here yet.)
    -tried new things that are big here, like biking and hiking and anything outdoors

    And nothing. I still don’t feel a sense of community here like I did in Baltimore. Maybe it was dumb luck, but in a year there I felt settled and at home. I found friends that I connected well with, and it was easy to find so many things to do because it was a big city. I know I definitely had times of loneliness there, but I didn’t feel this glum. I feel like I’m a bad match for this city.

    My biggest hang up is that I live in a smaller town where I feel so Other. There are not many POC in this smaller west town. If they are, they’re at the university, but since I don’t work there, it’s harder to plug in (definitely trying.) I feel really alone because it was just so easy to find diversity in Baltimore. It also is much more conservative in this town than I thought. I didn’t expect to see so many MAGA related things in this city!

    I spoke to my partner and I have been applying for jobs in a big city south of us, where there is more diversity and more things to do. I get sad when I see an event that would be right up my alley, but its a commute and I think what’s the point, who wants to be friends with someone 1.5 hours away from them. Part of me REALLY wants to move there, or move back to the east coast. My partner is sympathetic and has said they would master out early in order for us to move, but I know they don’t want to do that deep down, and I don’t want them to either.

    What should I do? I heard you should give a city at least a year before you can feel like it’s the city for you, but I’m creeping up there and I can’t shake the feeling of “I want to go home.” Two friends I made up here who I dearly like are moving back to DC because they don’t like it out west either. I want to be packed in their luggage :(

    Complicating factor, my partner and I live together and we love that. If I moved before their PhD was finished, we would either be in different in-state cities or cross country again. I don’t love being long distance (how do you even split all the stuff we bought jointly?) but I also don’t feel good here, in my job and in this city. And I feel like it’s affecting our relationship and my own self esteem because I’m beating myself up for making this decision. (My therapist says I made a calculated risk and maybe it didn’t calculate in my favor, but still. Maybe I’m just dumb. Or a failure. Or both!)

    At the very least, we both agreed we would move away from the west and back east in 4-5 years when they are graduated. So that’s a small comfort.

    What do you guys think? How much time should I give this new city? What am I not doing that I can’t feel like I’m not fitting in? I don’t want to spend the rest of my 20s stupidly bitter about this. Would it be worth it to go long distance so I could be happier in a bigger city?

    Also, Alison I’m so sorry about your kitty!!

    1. infopubs*

      I am also an Army brat, and have lived in dozens of places. I honestly think I can live happily almost everywhere, but there are exceptions. I hated Houston, for instance. I think you should listen to your gut and go back to Baltimore. It’s not fair to your partner to know that their short term, but important goal, is making you miserable. You can’t be at your best as a partner if you’re miserable. The feeling of “other” is a true misery! A long distance relationship where both people are HAPPY can survive. The logistics of splitting up your stuff are something you’ve seen before in your various moves. It will be over quickly. And a few years’ separation will also pass more quickly if you are happy. A few years of deep misery will seem like a lifetime, and could actually cause you and your relationship real harm. Go. Love can survive miles easier than misery.

      1. valentine*

        Move back to Baltimore. It’s home now and it’s more than okay for that to be a pillar and part of the foundation of your life choices. Move back and see if you’re instantly relieved and at peace, if it’s like putting on that first fall sweater. I think yes, because you not only made friends with people who are moving back to the Best Coast, but you want to go with them! (If it’s not too late, make it happen. It’s a great story.)

        The worst that can happen is that you’re over Baltimore or you were idealizing it, and that’s still a net gain because it’s vital information that will stop the pining and help you plan your next step.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      This is a hard one. I lived in a similar town in northwest Georgia for a few years and it took me two years to find my people even working at one of the three tiny colleges. And we definitely made regular weekend treks to Nearby City, distance be damned. I ended up taking a new job out of state to get my spouse out of there and it was the best thing I ever did for either of us. (I was much happier and my spouse discovered he could be unhappy anywhere!) I’d say give it another year if you can, get your partner to pitch in hard to introduce you to every university person they know, and then make a decision. If they’re putting mastering out on the table, don’t take it off yet. You may or may not be able to stay.

    3. WellRed*

      I’m curious as to what percentage your job is contributing to your unhappiness. I know when I dislike work it overshadows so much else in my life. Where is your partner in all this? Do they like current city? Do they do things with you? (I have no idea what getting a PHd entails, timewuse).

      1. Is it the city or me*

        I’m not sure what percentage, but I would definitely have to say it’s a good chunk of my unhappiness. When I think back to my Baltimore job, it wasn’t my favorite, but I loved my coworkers and it connected me to people around the city. This job is just the opposite. I think if I found a better job, it would definitely help, but I’m not sure it would make me want to stay. It would make me less miserable I believe!

        Partner doesn’t like our city either, and if it wasn’t for wanting to get this PhD, we would be moving sooner than later. We do things together, but not all. I’m more social than they are, so often I’m introducing them to my acquaintances.

        1. Daniela*

          I had similar thoughts. If your job is a major factor with your unhappiness, try changing that first. It may change how you feel. And 9 months isn’t terribly long. Give yourself a deadline (“if things aren’t better by March 1st” or whatever) and permission to move after that. But in the meantime, really try to integrate into your smaller town?

    4. Madge*

      I don’t think -you’re- a failure, but it’s entirely possible that your experiment of living in the West has failed. And that’s ok. Good even. Now you know.

      There are some areas where it takes longer to get to know people. They just seem to have this extra layer of reserve and it takes them longer to let new people in. This can be more noticeable in a small town or where people tend not to move away or move there. I’m in one such area in the East and it honestly took me years to actually like the place and feel like I had friends. And even after 10 years, I don’t have the close friendships I had in my previous location. I visit my hometown often and work hard to keep those friendships going because I don’t have anything comparable here. I also think that you can just not fit with an area’s population for any number of reasons. And some areas are great for certain groups, like families with school aged kids, and terrible for other groups like young singles or seniors. And if you don’t fit in with your demographic, say most people your age are married with children, then it can be extra hard. (Now that I think about it, all those friendships I protect were made when we all were single.) If you can analyze the reasons why you feel like you don’t fit then you might have an easier time finding your people.

      So this could be a complete bad fit that nothing will fix, or maybe a poor fit that just needs a few alterations. You could try changing jobs, that could be the cause of a lot of your unhappiness. I know options are limited in a small town, but look around and see what’s available. You’re doing all the right things; therapy, volunteering, etc. The key to all this is to keep showing up and mixing things up. But it’s ok to just be done and need to move.

    5. Dan*

      I think you’ve given New City a go long enough to get a feel for it. It’s hard to say where the line is, but three seasons is probably enough.

      But here’s the problem I have with the overall relationship: It seems that your big-picture plan is premised on what I will refer to as a “geography trade”. I see this a lot in relationships, and it seems to be a regular cause for consternation at some point. People can’t agree on where to live, so one sacrifices first for the other, with the expectation (and sometimes explicit agreement) that they both will geographically relocate at some point (predetermined or otherwise). And then… later on when it comes time for the other person to pay up down the road, the other person doesn’t want to. Roots are established, the job is going well, etc. Partner who benefited from the initial sacrifice is happy and doesn’t want to change it. Partner who made the sacrifice is unhappy, and wants their original agreement to be adhered to. Feet dragging ensues. Partner B says things to placate Partner A, but in reality just drags things out until Partner A hits a breaking point.

      In your case, things are worse. You’re in a relationship with a PhD candidate. If your SO is on the academic track, your partner has very little control over their professional destiny. They go where the very few (if any) jobs are. They don’t know when they will get one, and they don’t know where. They can promise you all kinds of things now, but you CANNOT count on it. It doesn’t make them liars, but their academic professional destiny is mostly out of their hands. OTOH, if they go alt-ac, things can be a bit better. But even then, PhD jobs don’t grow on trees, so you kinda have to go where the jobs are. (That said, there are *lots* of jobs in DC.)

      So… you don’t have easy choices here. It’s going to be hard, and it’s only something you can decide for yourself. You really do need to do what makes you happy — as others have pointed out, you being miserable for the long term doesn’t do you, your partner, or your relationship any favors.

      1. Is it the city or me*

        Phew, I hadn’t thought about that geography trade, but it’s cropping up in more of my friends relationships now that people move for jobs. Ughhhhh this is a difficult decision. Thank goodness, my partner has said they don’t want to go into academia but industry, so I’m hoping this will open up options career wise after they graduate!

      2. Amy*

        I’m struggling with the “geography trade” right now. OP, I saw myself in your letter so much. I moved to the West Coast with my partner right after college since he got into grad school here and I was on a career path where I could find work just about anywhere. I immediately didn’t like it out here. I missed the East Coast and my friends and family. We agreed that our goal was for him to finish grad school, then we would move back East soon after.

        Now, nearly ten years later, we’re still here. I still don’t like it (I’ve tried, I promise) and I still want to move back East, but it’s becoming less and less likely over time. My partner has been very successful in his field but that success is tied to the fact that his network and area of expertise are located here. Plus, he loves the West and always wanted to end up here anyway, so he has no motivation to move besides my unhappiness. If I had known when I first agreed to move here that we would end up stuck here for a decade (and possibly forever) I might have made different decisions, or at least pushed a lot harder against moving in the beginning.

        I’m sorry this isn’t very helpful or encouraging. Just know that the “geography trade” issue Dan talks about is real, and it sucks.

    6. Emily*

      I don’t know if I have any great advice, but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve lived in places like that – where I just felt so utterly miserable that I spent everyday fantasizing about what it would be like to live somewhere else. I know it’s hard, but I definitely wouldn’t beat yourself up for this decision. You tried something new and totally different, and it turned out to be really hard! It’s okay that it’s hard. You’re not dumb or a failure.

      I’ve moved a lot for school and work, and one thing that helped me adapt to new places was remembering a concept in psychology about familiarity. Something like the familiarity principle or mere-exposure effect. The idea is that the more familiar something is to you, the more you like it. So I would remind myself when I got somewhere new that it was okay if I didn’t feel a connection right away – with time, even if all that changed was that I had spent more time there, I would start to like it more (maybe a a loose interpretation of the principle, but it helped me).

      It sounds like you’re doing all the right stuff (volunteering, therapy, trying new things, making friends). The travel-for-work thing makes it hard. And it definitely doesn’t help that you hate your job. Is there any option at all to change the job part? Even something like doing a Master’s or something while your partner finishes their PhD?

      Some things that helped me adjust when I moved around (don’t know what might be options for you, just throwing it out there):
      – Read/watch local or regional news regularly so you’re familiar with things like the town’s history, who is running for office, major infrastructure projects, sports teams, etc.
      – Try to go to the same places on a regular schedule. Even things like – find a nail salon you like and go on the same day every 2 weeks. Find a coffee shop and go there every Sunday morning. Go to yoga classes with the same teacher. Things that create routine and familiarity (as much as you can with traveling for work).
      – Writing/journaling. Getting the feelings out and taking a step back to process things.
      – Setting small goals outside of work to give you something else to focus on (training for a race, reading x number of books a month, starting an Instagram about the dogs you foster, trying to generate as little trash as possible, etc.)

      I hope you start feeling better about where you live soon!

    7. Ainomiaka*

      Even if you move away you have a natural point of to go back together-yes distance sucks, but it would end. I also want to expand on the comment that a negative experiment result is not a failure-I am a scientist and a huge part of experiments is making sure you define a null hypothesis and null result and making sure that you get that when warranted. Every set of data I produce has to show that both expected positive and expected negative happens before any new data is considered valid.
      So really my advice is that moving for a few years of grad school is super super common and not a failure.

    8. Ree*

      I’ve lived in the Kansas City area for four years(having moved from Southern California to north central Kansas and then to KC) and I would say….I really don’t like it.
      In fact, since we moved from CA(eight years ago) I haven’t made any friends. Acquaintances but not friends. No one I can call and grab lunch with or go shopping or anything. I’ve always felt very out of place and my husband does as well. He liked KC when we first moved her but is now to the point I am of: Its run it’s course, where to next?

      I think it’s fine to live somewhere you don’t like because of the advantages of that area. For you, that’s being with your partner.
      And, you’re used to liking where you live so to NOT like where you live is probably jarring, right?
      We try to look at our choice to live in the Midwest as a necessity and that it’s ok that we don’t like it here because we have each other and a plan for the future to go where we DO want to be and living here is making that plan a possibility.
      What I’m trying to say is: this sounds temporary, can you reframe your thinking from “Ugh, this place, I don’t fit in” to: “This is where my partner needs to be to get their career on the path they want, so that our lives in two, three, whatever years are where we want them to be. This is a temporary place and that’s ok. We have each other.”
      And if you ultimately decide you just can’t deal, that’s ok too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried about WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE IN THIS PLACE WE DON’T LIKE?! Because we’re adults and sometimes we just have to do stuff that does t fit for the short term. That’s what I tell myself at least :)

      1. Not My Kind of Town*

        I’ll be moving back to the KC area soon. I’m dreading it because I already know I don’t fit in, so I know what you mean. But after reading this post I’m imagining starting a “I don’t fit in here” meetup group.

        1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

          A Meetup is a good idea – it could include natives who never quite felt like they fit in.

    9. StrikingFalcon*

      You’re not dumb or a failure. Not every place is for everyone!

      I think I’d give the new place about a year. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to start to look for other options. PhD’s can take a really ambiguous amount of time so it’s hard to know what the end date will even be.

      My partner and I lived an 1.5 hour drive from each other and spent weekends together for a few years. It was doable but not ideal. A lot more doable than being across the country from each other, though, which we also did for a shorter time. YMMV, of course.

      Your partner could also try applying for PhD programs elsewhere. Obviously the ease of this varies by field, but they don’t necessarily have to give up on getting a PhD to move. At least in my field it’s considered an advantage to have a masters and a PhD from two different universities because you get a broader exposure to different theory and methods.

    10. Policy wonk*

      Can you take a class at the University? Might not be possible given your work travel, but it would give you an entre into that community apart from being an SO.

    11. Overeducated*

      I don’t know what you should do, you’re in a tough situation and you’re doing all the “right” things so far, but just wanted to say that I think some places are not great fits for some people. You can do all you can to adjust and still…just not really want to be there. That’s not crazy. How long you can commit to sticking it out, and whether you can get back where you want post-PhD if you stay, are different questions, but your feelings aren’t wrong.

    12. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      Honestly? I think you need to give it more time. I’m trailing spouse too, and it takes *years* to settle in. We had a hugely rough adjustment when we moved to California because everyone was so provincial, selfish, and hostile to newcomers. You said you’re in the West, so maybe that is in play.

    13. Is it the city or me*

      Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate stories of others who have or are going through the same thing, and the kind reminders that I’m not a failure for not loving or fitting into this city just yet. I’ve got a lot to think about, and I will continue to look for a new job, hoping that will at least help. I’m traveling for work right now so I haven’t been able to respond to each comment, but I appreciate all of them!

    14. NicoleK*

      You hate the city you live in. And you hate your job. Those are two huge things. Sure, you can get a different job, but you’re still stuck in a place where you feel you don’t fit in. Nine months is enough time to know that something isn’t working for you.

      Your feelings of feeling so OTHER really resonated with me. As a POC, I’m not sure I’d ever feel like I belong in a city that has little diversity. Especially in the current political climate.

    15. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Can you skype with your old therapist? I think it would really be helpful to discuss this with a therapist you like and with whom you have a relationship. My friend’s long-term therapist moved back to Israel and she’s delighted with their Skype-therapy. Her take is that it works well when you already have a good, long-term relationship.

    16. Reliquary*

      I’m in academia. The “geography trade” is so real. I actually delimited my potential relationship partners to folks who had portable jobs.
      What I learned over the last 20 years is that despite all the “bloom where you’re planted” encouragement, when you make serious geographic sacrifices that make you unhappy (especially if these sacrifices require compromises to your identity, and going without the things you most treasure), you are not going to be able to create a fulfilling life for yourself.
      After many years of sacrifice and compromise for my career, I finally got a job in a place I love. It is not even near my region of origin, but it has all the amenities it takes to make me happy. But in the meantime, during all those years of trying to move to a better place, I lost my ability to live near my aging parents. I was not able to be near them when they needed me most. There’s no getting that back.

  28. Rebecca*

    Sorry this is so long. Lots of background leading us up to Mom being in a rehab facility as of last evening.

    My 83 1/2 year old Mom fell and broke her wrist on July 3 while trying to change her clothes, after spending part of the morning pulling weeds and puttering around the yard. I took her for a follow up Xray on July 5 and July 9, and the bones were where they should be, and at that time, no surgery was needed. Luckily I took vacation time for the first week of July, so I was with her 24/7 until Monday the 8th.

    But. The cast is heavy and awkward, Mom is very small, 5’2″ and about 120 lbs. And she urinates very frequently due to the bladder issue she didn’t address years ago. There are also bowel issues, again, some sort of surgery was done to put things back into place, it failed years ago, so now she has rounds of constipation, loose bowels, and fecal urgency, and she didn’t address it over the years. Then there’s the hole in her right ear drum, again, she had the first 50/50 chance surgery, it failed, and she never went back to have the more extensive surgery to fix it. That means when bathing or showering, there’s a whole routine of putting a gizmo in her ear, covering it with a cup, etc. so not one drop of water can get it. Then let’s add the gall bladder problems, that she controls with diet, again, she was told it should come out years ago, she refused, so thus the ultra low fat tasteless weird diet. I’m listing all of this for a reason.

    So I went back to work on Monday, with ladies from the church coming at lunch time to fix lunch, do dishes and sit with Mom a bit, as she has all her faculties and can eat with one hand, she just can’t fix anything. And, she can go to the bathroom alone, she’s left handed, right arm is in the cast, and I found elastic waist pull on pants, so we were OK there as long as she makes it in time, and then, extra laundry, but doable.

    And here is the first big problem – her constantly getting up at night for bathroom trips. I work during the day, and was up literally every 45 minutes, hour, etc. getting at most maybe an hour and a half of solid sleep at a time, because she’s so unsteady on her feet she needed help in the night getting to the bathroom and back to the lift chair. Then we had to get a pill, or a drink, or something, she was awake, lather rinse and repeat. While I was on vacation, I could take a nap here and there, but my employer frowns on that. I was so exhausted by Tuesday evening I napped in the evening with her parked in the chair. I told her we needed more help, and she was snippy with me, and said “I’m the one who can’t sleep at night”, and I reminded her that I have to drive back and forth to work, stay awake and alert, do things, etc. and she cat naps all day long in the chair. Then I got the “well, I’m sorry I’m such a bother” routine, and I said Mom, I’m trying to help you, but I need sleep too, it wouldn’t be bad if you got up 2x per night, but this is more like 6 or 7. “Well, I haven’t just gotten up 2x in over 20 years”. And there you have it.

    So, overnight that night, after she had been up 2 or 3x since 10 PM, I heard a scream and a thud, ran to the living room from the front bedroom, not more than 10 feet away, and she was on the floor, cane nowhere to be found, so I picked her up, she seemed fine, insisted all was OK, she was just disoriented in the night, so not much sleep for either of us into Wednesday. I parked her in the chair on Wednesday, church lady came early and stayed longer, and she slept better on Wednesday night. I got at least 4 hours straight sleep.

    Thursday after work I was starting supper, and she was in the kitchen with me, bare feet, so no socks or shoes to trip with, about 6 feet away standing with her cane, and all at once her feet started to shuffle, she waved the arm with the cane, and pitched over backward, hit her head on the table, and the floor with a thud. She said get me up, get me up – I said no, I’m calling 911, you stay still, she fought me on it, but I overrode her.

    EMT’s, ambulance, ER, no new broken bones, she has a knot on the back of her head, and with her osteoporosis it’s a miracle she didn’t break anything else. However, the CT scan shows a pocket of fluid behind the bad ear, and they suspect it’s infected, so that’s probably why she’s been losing her balance and fell 3x in 7 days. They kept her overnight for observation, and I went home and slept like the dead. Friday she was released to a rehab facility, and I took her there, and had to call a friend to help her get into the car, she literally cannot walk now. She’s so terrified of falling, she cries out and yells, it’s really awful, and I hope and pray she can do the rehab because if not, they will send her home. I’m just starting to navigate all this senior care stuff, and it’s a nightmare already.

    So, my mother went from being pretty independent, getting her own groceries, doing laundry, light housework, puttering around in the yard, going to her own doctor’s appointments, etc. to being in a rehab facility unable to walk or do anything for herself in 10 days. I’m truly stunned by this. And, she was fussing already when I left about food choices, “her” fat free greek plain yogurt she MUST HAVE EVERY DAY, etc. I made sure the staff knows she’s a retired RN too, and they always appreciate that, I’ve learned.

    Rehab is 30 miles away, so I’ll visit 2x per week, going today to take more clothes, but this weekend I need to mow (I think the neighbors are going to riot or send goats shortly), do laundry, clean things up in the house, scrub her bathroom, etc. and I’m going to contact the cleaning lady who comes every other week and see if she can help me clean up the endless hard wood floors downstairs. And sleep!! Thursday night and Friday night I slept and slept…but gotta get busy now.

    So please wish me luck with all of this, send prayers if you are so inclined, and good thoughts. Mom should be in rehab for 2-3 weeks, then that heavy cast will come off, to be replaced by a smaller fiberglass cast. That should make things easier, and once that’s off, hopefully she’ll be able to use a walker of some sort for more support.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      omg.
      So how much more of this are you going to do?
      This is way over the top, I hope you are getting to see it’s way over the top. Based on what you have been saying I am not surprised that her health has plummeted like this. She has been sliding away for a while and draining you in the process. I can “hear” it in your writing.

      They will eventually release her from rehab. Hopefully this will involve an assessment of her needs and involve a home inspection to see if her home is suitable for her. You can tell the rehab people that you cannot take care of her at home anymore. Then they will have to figure out what to do and she will be told what she is doing.

      Her inability to sleep at night does NOT trump your inability to sleep at night. You are her primary care giver. If you continue to go without sleep you will end up in the ER. Ask me how I know this…. sigh….

      Your complaints about lack of rest are valid but her negating your concerns is NOT valid. If you wait for her permission to get additional help or to move her, pigs will fly first. She probably will not give you permission to move her to another place. Ever. She has you and that is her plan.

      She has not been making responsible decisions for a while and you have been showing that in your posts here.

      1. spiralingsnails*

        Normal caregiver fatigue is hard enough, but she’s completely draining you. :( You need to start thinking seriously about how much is too much to give, and where you need to start making the decisions to meet BOTH of your needs… even when she hates them.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      O M G … I am sorry for all your troubles and your mom’s understandable terror of falling, yet I also see some “hand of the universe” in the way that circumstances suddenly rearranged themselves. (And I’m trying to apply this to myself: turn down the cookies and get more exercise now to make life better for my twenty-years-older self.)

      Prayers and good thoughts are on the way. It’s good that you are getting sleep and beyond good that you can get some break from your mom’s ongoing super duper negativity. You’ve already proved yourself strong and determined. I’m sure I’m not the only AAM reader trying to follow your example of just keep on keeping on.

      I hope the neighbors _do_ send goats or better yet someone with energy and a functioning lawn mower. After they mow your lawn I hope they have the sense to offer other assistance and follow through!

      1. Llellayena*

        I vote for the goats, they have added entertainment value!

        While she’s in rehab is a great time to see if there’s an assisted living facility she could go into. It might be easier to get her into one when she’s already not living in her own house. (We ran into this with my grandma when she went from hospital to rehab after a fall, she thought she was going home and yelled for hours when she realized she was going to rehab instead)

        1. Christy*

          Yes this!!! It’s so hard to get parents to move into assisted living (or even a retirement community, ask me how I know) so if you can do anything to encourage/force that transition that will be a big help.

        2. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, this is probably going to be the easiest time to make the transition (although I doubt it will be actually easy, sorry).

          1. Kathenus*

            I agree with this. My mom had a lot of health issues. Lived alone, one brother within driving distance the other two of us a plane flight away. A good fried of mine who my mom has also known for decades who was local also helped out.

            One night she fell multiple times, the last resulting in a 911 call as well by my friend. It started the trajectory of hospital to rehab hospital for the next few months, with much family taking turns being there with her. Unfortunately she never came home, and her health issues finally caught up with her and she passed. As hard as it was, and still is at times, she wasn’t happy and wouldn’t have been safe anymore. I’m not religious, but I know that she had a very negative quality of life and that in some ways what happened was the best thing.

            I am not trying to be a downer, but from the recent health issues you’ve already seen a cascade of events follow, just wanting you to be mentally prepared for a variety of outcomes. And as mentioned, the transition to assisted living now might be the best for all involved – she will likely be happier that way too even if she may not think so right now.

            Endless empathy for you, I’ve been there and totally get it. I love and loved my mom but could not have lived with her at the end and maintained my sanity, so I have the utmost respect for you. Best wishes to you both.

    3. The Francher Kid*

      I admire you so much. I am in awe of how far you have come. Please take care of yourself.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Oh, Rebecca, SLEEP. Yes, get things done, but please use this time to take care of yourself! Definitely sending prayers. (Once she comes home, can you afford some help at night so that you can sleep? Even if it is just a couple of nights a week?)

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, this.
        Rebecca, if your mom comes home, you need a night person for her. You HAVE to get enough sleep.
        Sending you all good thoughts for a good outcome. Because – wow.

    5. MatKnifeNinja*

      I’m so sorry. I was thinking about you all week, and hoping things would settle down.

      My mom is your mom’s twin. Anxiety, control issues and being mentally competent is a nasty combination.

      Because my mom was “orientated x3”, she would snow discharge planning and the social workers on how much help she would have if she could go home, and how much she was willing to do. Mom would lie to speed up her discharge.

      Mom had no help besides two kids who had to work, and she was a freaking mule who would do nothing suggested. Like getting up with no walker. (internally screaming)

      Be brutally honest with discharge planning people. If you can’t do over nights forever. Tell them that. My mom would half truth a whole bunch of stuff just to get “home”.

      I wouldn’t wish what you are going through on my worse enemy. I’m feel bad for your mom too. It sounds like she isn’t a go with the flow type person. No one likes all those health issues and changes, but my mom fought tooth and nail with everyone until she died. Her quality of life really suffered because she wouldn’t give on anything.

      Thinking of you! <3

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Thinking good thoughts for you, Rebecca. I’m a believer in the law of averages and you are *so* due for something positive.

    7. LivingMyLife*

      Wow! So sorry to hear about how quickly your mom’s health has deteriorating. I took care of both of my parents while they were dying from cancer, so I know how difficult it gets for caretakers! My prayers are with you and your mom. It sounds like at this point you can only take one day at a time. Hopefully, you will be able to get some help with taking care of your mom. Rehab time for your mom can be a good time for you to rest. Hoping she will be able to recover her balance and mobility. May be an electric power wheelchair should be considered, if she can’t safely get around. That will give her a lot more freedom to move around, and you will have a peace of mind when you are at work.

    8. Jaid*

      A virtual pallet of Black & Tan and your choice of Girl Scout cookies, to you.

      My best wishes to you.

      1. Lucky Daughter*

        I feel so bad for both of you. Your poor mother thought she could hold illness and aging at bay by strictly controlling things that for the most part didn’t matter and ignoring real medical issues and hoping they would go away. She must be devastated.

        I feel bad for you because you are doing everything possible to care for her and not only does she not appreciate it, she heaps abuse on you. I wish I had some way to make things better for you. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to shoulder the burden completely on your own.

        I wish you both all the best. I thank my lucky stars that my almost 90 year old mother is so easy to get along with.

    10. Booksalot*

      I say this as someone who was a deciding factor in three relatives going into a care facility, so, not lightly.

      Your mother is controlling you through guilt and obligation. Please believe me when I say that she eventually will fall, become ill, or suffer some other disaster when you are not there–because you have responsibilities, a frail human body of your own, and the inability to cater to her 24/7. She needs to be in a care facility. The worry and guilt you feel right now is nothing compared to how you will feel when she inevitably suffers some calamity in the house that she can’t bounce back from. My husband still has crying fits about his mother dying while he was at the hardware store buying supplies for a leaking toilet, and that was over a decade ago.

      You have even more complications as a resident of Pennsylvania. Filial responsibility laws in PA are draconian. If you don’t have an elder law expert to guide you through this, now is the time.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Oh jeez.
      Wishing you luck! Once they get her infection cleared up, that should help with the falling issue. I don’t know what to say about the rest. Is it possible to get a night carer to come over when she comes home? My friend used to do that — she would stay overnight with two ladies. One was nonverbal and the other was a 70-year-old with Down syndrome. They mostly slept but my friend would help if they needed to get up or anything. That way, you could sleep and the night person could handle the bathroom visits, etc. I know how your mum is, but she might just have to suck it up and do it.

    12. Lora*

      Oh, hey, no. She cannot ask this of you. You MUST sleep, it’s not optional.

      Realistically, you have a full time job. It doesn’t do either of you any good if you drown yourself trying to help her. When care goes beyond “check in, make sure she is dressed appropriately, bathed, has eaten even if it’s something not so nutritious, do a load of laundry and take out the trash, reset the Roomba, run her to an appointment” that’s about what someone with a full time job can hack long term if they have minimal other demands on their lives (e.g. long hours at work, crazy commute, other relatives or spouse who also needs help, children). More than that is just not feasible for longer than a week at most. That’s the point where you gotta get help to come by regularly.

      What she is asking is just not reasonable. If she can’t walk reliably without falling down, that’s The End for her independent living. And she probably knows it.

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      I feel bad for both you and your mother going through so much difficulty. And, this situation is way beyond anything that you can handle alone. Your mother’s care would require more than you can offer even if she were kind and appreciative, and adding on the abuse she sends your way just makes it that much more over the top.

      That she is declining I’m sure is very hard for you, but that doesn’t mean she gets to take you down with her. She cannot do that, and it’s time to draw a hard limit. You have to work. You have to sleep. You deserve to have a life that includes some joy, and this situation has to change.

      Your mother being in the rehab facility is providing you with the gift of time. I hope you will use it to talk to a social worker, find out what care options are available, determine if she can be moved into a facility to get the help she needs, etc. Because you cannot provide it.

      Mow the lawn if it will make you happy, but otherwise my wish for you during the coming weeks is to nurture yourself. Sleep, relax, see your friends, go for walks outdoors, whatever makes you feel good. Please take time to care for YOU. You so deserve it.

    14. NoLongerYoung*

      Rebecca, I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

      Maybe this can help? (maybe)…
      At breakfast (Group of women) this morning, I sat with an acquaintance who is a consultant on setting up senior care. She told me that there’s a clinical term (?) – a DSM term – for the decline stage when someone can’t make good, logical decisions. (it’s not dementia, but a similar thing to your mom). It’s when they just continue or completely make the wrong decision, no logic, stubbornly clinging to something. Their brain can’t process the logic and come to a good conclusion.

      This is far different from disagreeing with you. This is a complete inability to see that logically, she can’t continue with her health and this situation. (Similar to her decision to ask you to help her up and not call the ambulance… not a good decision).

      In your case, your mom could go to an assisted living after rehab, or have a set of caregivers (not you). Is she going to be able to make those decisions? No. She is going to stubbornly try – as my mom is – to roll back the hands of time and expect things to “be like they were.” It is not logical to deny that her health is poor and she is spiraling down…. but she will deny reality as long as she can. (I hold out a feeble hope my mom may be able to see the need, but only because she has a great fear of being a burden to me, so I will use that argument when the time comes).

      My heart breaks for you… Like NSNR, I almost broke myself doing care giving for husband, not sleeping for more than 15 minutes at a time,damaging myself trying to help him up after falls (and he was 145#)…but the end point for the cancer was clearly in sight and I’d (wrong line’in the sand – it was not sustainable) said that the day he “x” would be the day he want into the hospice ward. It was not a good plan. Don’t be me.

      You have a much longer time window. And you need to make a plan. As soon as you get enough sleep. She is not going to consent, but I would bet my last dollar, she is no longer capable of being logical to the extent she thinks she is…. or that you need her to be.

      I am so sorry.

    15. tiasp*

      My grandmother lived in her own home until her 90s, the last couple years with a homecare service coming in a couple times a day. I don’t even know what it was for, but someone took her to emergency one night (I think concerned she had injured herself or maybe broken a bone) and she never came home again. Ended up almost 2 weeks in the hospital and at that age she lost quite a bit of her mobility quickly. She went to a rehab facility next and then from there to a nursing home where she lived a couple more years.

      Part of what happened was the decline that happens quickly to the aged in the hospital, but also they found other health problems that she had never complained about but they wouldn’t let her go home again.

      So maybe this is the end of your mom living independently. It’s tough and I feel for you having to get it figured out, but I hope it ends up with you in a better situation.

    16. ..Kat..*

      Please talk to the rehab center social worker and/or discharge planner NOW. Let SW know that you are unable to safely care for your mother by yourself and that this is (partly) why your mother ended up with multiple accidents and injuries and therefore in a rehab center. Ask about placement options post rehab center. The reason to do this NOW is that placement options can take time. Ask to be notified of any care conferences about your mother so that you can be present. Plus, we both know that your mother is telling them that you will be her care giver at home and can do it all. At a minimum, you need home health care for your mother. Have you checked with eldercare services in your area to see what is available and what she may qualify for and what medicare/medicaid might pay for, etc? Note that home health care can be at night so that you can get some sleep.

      Your mother has a lot of healthcare needs from her lack of care earlier in her life (yes, I know it was her choices). I think you are a good daughter, but you are only human. I say this as a nurse who knows what it is to provide constant care like this. And I have a mother like yours (seriously, I think they were twins that were separated at birth).

      Good luck whatever you do. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Another thought: bedside commode. If your mom only had to travel a couple of steps to reliever herself in the night, would that enable to independently toilet herself at night? Of course, she might refuse to use it for reasons.

    17. Rebecca*

      Positive thing!! I went back to the rehab facility yesterday (it’s 30 miles away, so I’m not going every day). Mom was happy. As in, she actually smiled, laughed at a few things, told me about her rehab that day, how she was able to do all of it, and I stayed while she ate her meal, and she actually ate it vs sitting and frowning at her food like it’s toxic waste like she does at home. She scored really well on the cognitive exams, one was 26 out of a highest possible score of 26-30, another 7/7, and she said they compared her to Sophia on the Golden Girls. I was sort of like…where is my mother and who is this pod person replacing her? Honestly the Mom yesterday afternoon and the Mom I took to rehab 24 hours earlier couldn’t be more different. She was still a unsteady on her feet, but with the nurse guiding her, she was able to walk with a quad cane and sit down with assistance, a huge improvement from the day before. I have to think getting some real food, some sleep, and activity, etc. has something to do with it.

      Mom said she is glad to be there, she’ll be there for at least 2 weeks, and is happy the doctors are trying to figure out why she is falling so much. She’s agreed to wear pull up adult diapers, so if she doesn’t make it to the bathroom, cleanup is easier, as before, she used an pad but that just wasn’t adequate.

      As for the nights though, when she comes home, that’s another story. I’ve read through the comments, and was really busy yesterday between laundry, cleaning, mowing the lawn, driving to rehab, then my neighbor stopped by and we chatted and had a few beers on the back deck, and I crashed again and slept soundly :) :) Her urologist suggested a catheter if she is still urinating so frequently. I know that sounds awful. But. This would allow her to sleep, and I could sleep because she could go to bed and not have to get up. It might be something she needs to do. Once the cast is off and her arm is better, she can use a walker too.

      And, we’re getting a new PCP for her. Her doctor never called me back last week, after she called once and I called twice, and was very blunt about needing help. I am going to report the office to someone, I haven’t figured out who yet, but their lack of action is ridiculous. When your office receives multiple calls for an elderly person falling, broken bones, etc. and the PCP needs to refer the patient for services, you pick up the damned phone. I’ve been after Mom to find a new doctor for years! Ugh.

      We now have a social worker, and I have private care lined up for when she gets home, ladies from church have volunteered to fix lunch for her until she’s able to use her hand and arm properly, and the private care staff will take Mom to an appointment if necessary. I get out of work at 4 PM, so we’re going to make late afternoon appointments, they can take her, and I can pick Mom up on the way home.

      Today is going to be groceries, I’m going for a walk, and I’m going to vacuum. That’s it. The work week starts tomorrow, and it will be good to be able to go to work with a clear mind.

      1. Jaid*

        OMG, this is such good news!

        I think you’re right, that proper care and food is helping your Mom. Maybe she’s been hangry this whole time!

        I wish you both well.

      2. LibbyG*

        I’m so glad things are looking up. Maybe she’s had an ear infection for a while? After dealing with your ex and everything, I really hope you get a good, long, easy spell soon when you can focus squarely on what you need and want for yourself going forward.

      3. fposte*

        I’m really glad to hear that things are taking a turn for the better.

        I also think you might start sorting through possible guidance and assistance while you’ve got a little more breathing room so that plans can be in place for the future. Google is blessedly good at searching through the vocabulary parameters for the different agency names, so if you search something like “senior advocacy [town/county/state]” you’ll probably find some useful guidance. My state, for instance, has a state agency with clickable maps pointing you to local coordinators. States also offer free counseling services to help seniors understand their Medicare, etc., coverage; this program is usually called Senior Health Insurance Program, so if you google that and [state] you should be able find some links on that (though at least one state has a commercial insurance company by that name, so make sure your results are talking about free counseling).

        Also, since your mother’s had a hospital admit, she would likely be eligible for some visiting care, like PT at home. Medicare doesn’t pay forever–it wouldn’t be focused on assisted living but rehab–but it might be really useful to both you and your mother for her to have an opportunity to maximize her recovery while she’s home.

      4. Observer*

        I’m so glad that you’re getting some real help in place.

        When you get your mother to the new PCP, make sure you get all the records from the rehab – it sounds to me like they are doing something right in addition to the actual physical rehab, and that’s useful information. Also, I wonder if her prior doctor was just negligent – the fact that he never followed up on this stuff really lends some credence to that.

      5. Nana*

        So glad to read this follow-up. But I wonder if her cheeriness has something to do with being with people all day, instead of in the house (brooding about your inadequacies) . Please get info on other living arrangements; she might do better NOT coming home.
        Even the nice church ladies…if they’re like the ones who were my mother’s friends, they’re old ladies, too. Loving, but limited in their ability to assist.

        We’re all praying/pulling for you.

      6. ..Kat..*

        This is all good news.

        Some thoughts. One, maybe your mom has blossomed into a different, happier person because of all the socializing that she can do at the rehab center. This tells me that your mother could find a lot of enjoyment at this point in her life by going into a senior living residence of some type.

        Two, I think she has a bad (maybe unbreakable) habit of her interactions with you being intense complaining on her part.

        And finally, indwelling urinary catheters have a significant downside: they cause urinary tract infections! And they make it hard to cure a current UTI. Maybe a really good, adsorbant adult diaper (that wicks away moisture so your mother would not get up repeatedly during the night to urinate) would work? Note that in hospitals, we use the crappiest, most saggy, most uncomfortable brand (also the cheapest!); so don’t buy the brand used in hospitals.

        Good luck.

    18. Blue Eagle*

      Here’s the sad but true truth – your Mom will never get back to where she was when she was 50 (what she would probably like to have happen), and will likely not get back to where she was before she went into the hospital. So my advice is to make sure that all of her financial stuff is in order and that you are on all her bank accounts and anything else you need to be a signer on. I promise that it will save you alot of trouble later. {Ask me how I know this . . . . . sigh!}
      Sending you positive energy and good luck with your Mom.

    20. Daniela*

      Oh, this sounds so difficult for both of you. Sending internet hugs and positive vibes, that you both get back to normal, where you can enjoy each other’s company.

  29. Christmas*

    I’m still deeply depressed about a break-up and it’s been over two months. I see a counselor, but I think I need to go on antidepressants. What’s so hard to get over is the reasons why he broke up with me. It was a giant mix of reasons, some of which contradicted each other.
    For context: he’s recently divorced and has children that he’s told me all about and shown me photos/videos of, but I had not yet them yet. Being a child of divorce myself and having grown up watching my dad date, I was very sensitive to the situation and went with the flow of his pace regarding waiting to meet his kids.

    It would be understandable if he broke up with me because he just wasn’t ready to date yet. But he said about thirty other things in a weird spiral. First, he said he’s not in a rush to get remarried and he feels pressured to because he thinks I “want to get married very quickly”… Which is odd, because no I don’t?!? And we never even talked about it yet!! He then said that he will “NEVER be in a relationship AGAIN” and that he will **“happily die alone”** because his children are “all he needs” in life. In the same breath of saying all that, he muttered something about how in his next relationship he’d prefer her not to talk on the phone so frequently or spend so much time together. (Another issue he never talked to me about!) then reiterated that he will “die alone“ and I can’t tell you how awful it is to hear that someone has decided **he would rather die alone than be with me.**

    He added that we are basically a perfect match and that I’m the perfect girl, but he just can’t guarantee that one of us won’t want to divorce the other someday for any number of reasons. This led to a rant about how he’s terrified of being controlled again, like his ex-wife did to him. (Even though he admitted that I’m the polar opposite of his ex-wife and I do not have a controlling personality, he’s afraid of it nonetheless.) He spun off about how much he hates his career(!!) and that his ex pushed him into it!! I tried to talk to him about how it’s not too late to change careers, which he could easily do based on his skills, but he just spiraled about hating his job AND the city we live in and how it’s all his ex-wife’s fault because she “made him.”

    That spiraled into a rant about how angry he is at his parents for having babied him as a child. (???) Again, all of this was in a conversation about why he was breaking up with me. At some point he commented that he is generally unsatisfied with his entire life. I guess I was the one variable that he can control, or get rid of. I don’t know. All I know is that he tried dating, and he tried it with me, and that experience was enough to tell him that he would prefer to die alone.

    I can barely sleep, I have no energy for anything, nothing makes sense. We were so happy until all of this exploded out of him. I feel like I could move on from this if any of it made sense at all. But I’m just still trying to untangle everything he said. Maybe one of you out there can make sense of it because you’re firmly on the outside?

    1. Christy*

      I don’t tend to find much use in untangling breakup conversations. Because really, all that mattered about what he was telling you was that he doesn’t want to date you. The rest is just noise and blather. Who knows if he meant any of what he said. The point was that he didn’t want to be dating you anymore. The reason doesn’t particularly matter.

      I’m sorry if this sounds really harsh, but it’s my hope that it’s freeing to not have to think too deeply about him anymore. For what it’s worth he sounds deeply unready to be in another relationship.

      1. Christmas*

        Christy: Thank you so much. I wrote out a lengthy reply, went to submit it, and my wireless dropped! I wish I could remember everything I said. Oh, I wanted to say that your response was not too harsh at all. It’s exactly what I need. All my friends keep coddling me and insisting that this guy will “come crawling back any day now”… which is probably not a good seed to plant in my mind. I truly appreciate you guys being clear and direct with me. You’re absolutely right: I mistakenly thought it would help with closure by trying to figure out why this ended, but there is no figuring it out. I need to face that he has ended the relationship, and it’s over. It’s going to require a lot of self talk but I’m going to stop overanalyzing his words. I’ve been making myself sick; my hair has been falling out! Thank you again. I’m so glad I reached out here.

        1. tangerineRose*

          The guy sounds like he’s a mess. I think you may have dodged a bullet there. He’s assuming all kinds of things incorrectly, he sounds like he hates most of his life. He also sounds wayyy too wrapped up in himself.

            1. valentine*

              dodged a bullet there.
              Totally. I hope he enjoyed the free therapy he got in that exit interview, but probably not, because he sounds deeply and willfully unhappy. Everything is someone else’s fault and he has no power to end calls or to schedule fewer dates. Sheesh! Imagine that conversation, in whole and in part, for the next sixty years.

              You may have been happy, but he is largely not, and the fact this was all a surprise to you means you were only happy with the severely diluted version of himself he presented to you. If you think about his actions as evidence, the only one that’s fact is he chose to break up with you. And that’s enough. The reasons don’t matter and they’re not challenges for you to accept. You’re not meant to mount a campaign to recover him. Let him be and embrace yourself.

              Be kind to yourself. It’s a loss and you are grieving, but it’s a small part of your overall life and there are better times and kinder people ahead for you. So. Pretend you are a dear friend and give yourself good things and wrap yourself in comfy stuff and enjoy something each day. The fog will lift and you will ready for what comes next.

              1. Christmas*

                This truth-bomb is huge:
                You may have been happy, but he is largely not, and the fact this was all a surprise to you means you were only happy with the severely diluted version of himself he presented to you.

                Valentine: I feel like something just switched on in my brain when I read that. I’m literally about to write this on a piece of paper and tape it to my wall. You are absolutely right. In moments of weakness or doubt, I will refer to this.

                Thank you also for the incredibly kind words and encouragement!

      2. Parenthetically*

        Totally agree, and very well stated.

        The only thing that matters in a breakup is one person deciding they don’t want to be with the other person anymore. But SO MANY people are socialized to think they really need lots of good reasons to break up — hence the cascade of contradictory statements — but yep, bottom line is he made that decision, and it sucks, but you don’t owe his explanations another moment of your mental space.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I agree with this.

        Christmas, I don’t think he’s ready. I was in almost this exact situation, and while we both went into it thinking it would happen, later on, the guy decided he did not want to get married again. He eventually did, but what mattered was that he did not want to marry ME — he had the same kind of fears, and his reason was that we were too different.

        He was right about the latter, and I’m very grateful now that we didn’t marry. If we had, we’d be divorced. Not that our breakup wasn’t any less painful than a divorce, since we lived together and functioned as if we were married, but I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with the legal crap on top of all that.

        I also experienced severe situational depression after we broke up, and I ended up taking a very low dose of medication for a short while. It made a world of difference. If you think you need to see your doctor, do it! Maybe some counseling can help you work through these feelings as well.

        1. Christmas*

          Thank you! It helps incredibly to hear that other people have been in similar situations. Also, i appreciate the encouragement about antidepressants. For a while I’ve been trying to “power through it” but I am realizing that I just can’t do it alone. The possibility of going on antidepressants is… a lot. But I’m at the point where I’m struggling to function. Thank you again for the kindness and encouragement!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Well it doesn’t have to be a huge thing. An extremely low dose, taken very short-term, was like night and day for me. As for talking with a professional who can help you process feelings (and patterns), I wish I’d had that option at the time, but I didn’t.

            And you’re welcome. *hug*

      4. Traffic_Spiral*

        “I don’t tend to find much use in untangling breakup conversations.”

        True, but, that being said, this was a brilliant bit of “I’m not over my divorce and am not ready to date yet,” complete with powerpoint presentation, cited table authorities, and a small yet poignant interpretive dance.

        1. Christmas*

          True, but, that being said, this was a brilliant bit of “I’m not over my divorce and am not ready to date yet,” complete with powerpoint presentation, cited table authorities, and a small yet poignant interpretive dance.

          LOL!! This is hysterical! I so appreciate you for making me laugh. Just a couple days ago, thinking about “the talk“ was so depressing and made me feel so small and worthless. But looking at it in a new perspective, you guys are helping me see that not only was it not really about me, but this guy had a pretty fantastic, detailed, and ridiculous egocentric meltdown. Oh my god, I needed this.

    2. FD*

      Honestly, I think you’re trying to make it make sense, and that’s a losing game.

      It sounds to me like this guy simply tried to get involved with dating too fast and also isn’t very good at setting his own boundaries and asking for what he needs. This probably IS one of those “It’s not you, it’s me” situations. People’s emotions often DON’T make sense in that situation, or a person can be a tangled ball of reasons.

      But when you get down to it, it doesn’t actually matter why he doesn’t want to date you, does it? He doesn’t, and that’s that. I kind of feel like getting hung up obsessing over his reasons is probably making it harder for you to move on, because it means The Dude gets to keep taking up space in your brain.

      I also feel like you’re kind of buying into his dual-extremes thinking. He’s saying the only choices are ‘be with Christmas’ and ‘die alone’. Which isn’t really reality, because for both of you, there are lots of third options. I get why it hurts to hear, and I think he was being a bit of a jerk to phrase it that way. Could you reframe it as: “He had a choice between dating me and not dating me, and he decided that he didn’t want to date me. He coincidentally is dealing with the breakup by feeling like his only choices are to date me or never date anyone ever again, but that’s his way of framing it and probably isn’t all that accurate.”

      1. Christmas*

        FD: thank you for the well-written response. Your perspective helped clarify this . I understand what you mean about the dual extremes, and that’s a big part of what I’ve gotten obsessed about. It was a highly emotional\irrational statement to say that he “will never date again” and “wants to die alone”. You are right that I was making that about me, when really it’s revealing about him. There is a solid consensus that I will never find closure by sorting out the reasons, and instead just need to accept the end result: The relationship is over.
        Thank you, truly, for calling me out on “buying into” his problematic thinking and for fruitlessly overanalyzing to the point of becoming a bit obsessed. I truly needed the clearheaded thinking of others; it’s a wake-up call.

    3. Hazy Days*

      It sounds to me like you put your finger right on it – he isn’t in a good place after his divorce, he isn’t ready to date, he has a whole load of feelings he hadn’t worked through – and he hasn’t realised the problems are largely at his end. Saying he would ‘rather die alone than with you’ is just the kind of melodramatic statement that people make when they’re in a bad place after a long term relationship breaks down. It doesn’t reflect on you, it doesn’t reflect on him, even – it is an expression of emotion that reflects where his unconscious assumptions are right now.

      If you’d met in five years time, or he was further on in processing his marriage breakdown, then you might have been a great match – but as it is, it seems you are mismatched in time.

      I’m so sorry for your grief, and I wish you all the very best in working through things yourself and being that happy, Open partner that he doesn’t seem able to be right now.

      1. Christmas*

        Hazy: Thank you so much for the kind response! Your description of “melodramatic” is pretty apt. For a while I’ve been taking everything he said personally, like I wasn’t worth it, or that something about me is so awful that it drive him to such an extreme. But it’s really helping to hear other, clearer perspectives such as yours to point out that he was laboring under all these feelings/issues he never worked through, and so it’s really about him more than being about me.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      My first thought is that his real personality came out, with all its mind reading, negativity, and projection, and in the long run you have dodged a bullet. I hope you find ways to be kind to yourself right now and give yourself time to feel better.

      1. Christmas*

        Dr. Anonymous: That’s a good point, and it kind of occurred to me too. The more I think about it, he spent an inordinate amount of time complaining about every aspect of his life, and most notably, how everything that he wasn’t satisfied with was someone else’s fault (parents, ex-wife, even girlfriends from his youth). Like, I highly doubt that his ex put a gun to his head and make him get the job that he has come to hate. Also, I just can’t even compute that thinking. When I’m not happy with an aspect of my life, I tend to blame myself, but then I figure out how to work the problem and move forward. (When *I* was stuck in a job that became unbearable, I beat my brains out networking and searching for a different job and achieved a great move.) it was mind-boggling to try to listen to him break up with me, while also railing against everyone that has ruined his life. I guess that’s partly why I keep trying to make sense of it, in addition to not wanting to let go. But the fact is that it’s over. And clearly for the best. Thanks for responding to me! Sorry if this is choppy, I’m having Internet issues.

    5. The Francher Kid*

      He seems to have a great deal of anger and grief over the divorce that he has not yet dealt with. It also sounds like he’s not taking responsibility for his own actions. He isn’t ready for a healthy relationship and it’s **not your fault** and nothing you can fix.

      Please speak to your counselor, it may be that a short course of antidepressants along with your therapy will help you see daylight again, that’s what helped me. I’m sorry you are hurting so badly.

      1. Christmas*

        Francher: Thank you so much. I truly needed to hear that (that it’s not my fault). My tendency is to agonize over what I did wrong or could have done better or differently. But I have to submit to the fact that I don’t have the answers and neither does he, so I have to let it go. Everyone’s responses are really helping me break out of this. Thank you again.

        1. Lobsterp0t*

          I like to remind myself that I can only do something differently next time. There are no do overs. It’s ok to think about making changes yourself, but nothing you do now is gonna change what happened. And, like everyone else, it really sounds like he isn’t someone with enough insight to even reflect on his own stuff, let alone change any of it, after a trail of poor family and romantic relationships

    6. Vic tower*

      The answer is – he has a problem or multiple problems that means he is not right for you. I was in a three-year relationship where my ex had a similar litany of reasons why he wasn’t ready or maybe he was but he wanted x,y,z that were totally new things…
      In the end I realised I couldn’t reason it all out because it didn’t even make sense in his head. The ultimate answer was – he is not keen enough to work this out and a relationship cannot rest only on one person’s efforts.
      And I am so much happier now! My new partner is amazing and being with him made me realise that previous relationship was the opposite of what it should be.

      1. Christmas*

        Vic Tower: You absolutely struck a chord where you said “… he is not keen enough to work this out and a relationship cannot rest only on one person’s efforts.” That’s so true. I didn’t mention this in my original post, it at one point I asked my boyfriend if he’d be willing to take a break while he saw a counselor to determine if he can work through all this. He essentially replied, “No, that would be a waste of time. I know what’s issues are and I accept them, even if it means never being in a relationship again.” I was like… well… there it is… That was about the moment I finally excused myself. I realized it was pointless to argue or compromise. Now to work on letting it go and stop trying to understand it after the fact.
        Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I have felt like a crazy person, and totally ashamed. But all of the clear-headed responses are SO helpful.

    7. self employed*

      I agree. It’s hard news but he is not ready or willing to date you. I’m sorry.

      The good news is that it sounds like his reasons (or lack thereof) have been tormenting you. But lots of people are pointing out that his reasons don’t make sense, which is semi-normal, and they don’t ultimately matter. I hope that helps you shut the door and move on.

      1. self employed*

        Also I want to compliment you on how you’re taking the feedback here. Today seems like a good turning point for you; congratulations on a fresh start.

    8. Come On Eileen*

      The only thing I can make sense of is that it sounds like his head is a jumble of thoughts and emotions that a trained therapist can help him with. He’s recently divorced and has a LOT to process. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to be with him in this state. I’m sorry.

      1. Christmas*

        Eileen: That’s a good point. During the break-up talk, I tried to suggest just taking a break while he got mental health counseling but he refused. He was like, “These are my issues and I accept them. That’s it.” In the moment, that made me feel like I’m just not worth it to him to get help. But really, like you said, it’s just the state he’s in, and come to think of it, I agree with you about not wanting to be with someone in that state. I see now that it’s not about my lack of value as a person to motivate him to get help; he doesn’t even realize he needs it!!! Ugh.
        Thank you for responding to me! It means a lot!

    9. WellRed*

      This reaffirms my belief that recently divorced dads are disasters. I won’t date one again unless he’s been divorced more than a year.

      1. Dan*

        Side track: As a divorced guy with no kids (and an engineer who tends to take things literally) I think any dating timeline post-breakup is arbitrary. When does the clock start? From the time the breakup was initiated? From the time the divorce was final? I do agree that it takes time, but that time and its affects are different for everybody. I think it really comes down to “has that person dealt with their relationship shit or not.”

        I know for me, the divorce was final almost two years after we initially separated. We had no kids, few assets and an uncontested divorce. My obligations were lump sump — she moved out, I transferred some assets, and that was that. The rest was just a waiting game. I can tell you the day we split, but the day our divorce was final? I know the month and year, but I’m not sure I ever really knew the date. And it doesn’t matter. *My* divorce clock started with the separation date.

        1. HR Stoolie*

          That’s almost mirrors my spouse and I split. My recovery was pretty quick and 11 years later we occasionally exchange calls or texts.
          I do know of a lot of guys who are a mess after a split, especially when kids and financial conflicts are involved.

        2. WellRed*

          Sure, but I have to start somewhere. Recovery programs often have similar timelines so maybe that worked it’s way into my subconscious.

        3. Christmas*

          Dan: Thank you so much for the perspective of the divorced dad! Nothing but respect for you. I think I mentioned it in my original post, but my dad went through two terrible divorces, and I saw what he went through. So I really tried to go into this relationship with understanding and caution. But like you said, it’s a good question: “when does the clock start?” That’s one thing I wish I’d considered more deeply before starting this relationship. My boyfriend and I talked a little bit about how his marriage ended. (It wasn’t shocking and sudden; they slowly grew apart and long wanted to leave but just stubbornly and miserably stuck it out.) So I guess I got the understanding that his “clock” started further back *before* the divorce. But really, I guess I didn’t consider that making it official is a pretty big life event itself. Maybe that’s when it became “real“ for him and just dug everything up fresh. I don’t even know. And like so many others have said, *he* doesn’t even seem to know what he’s feeling or why. I really hope he sorts it out. I just wish he didn’t drag me into his rebound in the process. Sigh! Thank you again so much for responding, and for sharing your experience!

          1. Dan*

            Thanks. I’ll be honest and say that I in part married my ex because I had empathy for people who had less than ideal childhoods. And then I ended up marrying someone with an f’d up childhood that carried into adulthood. We then all want to compensate by making up rules about who we should (or shouldn’t) date/marry as a result. As if a checklist will make all future problems go away. As if.

            TBH, I think it’s less about the clock starting and more about the clock ending. How do we know when it ends? Oh that’s tough, and I’m not sure there’s a bright line. I can’t speak for those with kids, because in some ways, the ex will never be out of sight/out of mind. In many ways, it was easy for me. No kids. Lump sum payment. Transfer of assets and no more required contact. She tried contact a couple of times, but I pretty much ignored it and then it just stopped.

            And yeah. It sucks to be dragged into Other People’s Shit (OPS). I’m sorry you had to get dragged into it, and then have it end the way it did. You don’t deserve that, and I mean it. The rest of us can tell from his words that he was in no shape to be dating in any sort of serious way.

      2. Christy*

        This is so interesting! I’m of the opinion that divorced dads are some of the best pickings! They know their priorities and won’t waste your time. There are exceptions, of course.

        1. WellRed*

          I agree about the priorities and not wasting time once they are in a good place post divorce. ; )

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Well, if your only priority is “get a guy committed fast” then sure, it’s easy to find a recently divorced dad who’s like “shit, I need a new wife-unit, stat!” That’s… uh… that’s not always for the best in the long run, though.

    10. Disgruntled Daughter*

      Oh, Christmas. I feel for you because it seems like you were fully present in the relationship…but he wasn’t. It sounds like he hasn’t ready to date again so soon after the divorce but didn’t have the self-awareness to know that. He has a lot of Feelings he needs to work through but couldn’t do that and be a healthy/present partner to you.

      It may not feel like it right now but maybe this is for the best. You deserve someone who is truly present and emotionally available in the relationship. For him, being in this relationship might have been more than he could emotionally handle. That’s okay but it sucks that he didn’t realize that before now. I hope that you find peace knowing you did your best.

    11. Dan*

      Christmas,

      I’m with everybody who says that he was in a place where we could properly date. I think in any rejection (relationship, job, whatever) we all look for things that say *it wasn’t me.* And you know what? *It wasn’t you.* The words don’t matter, the message does. And he couldn’t have been more clear (just literal).

    12. Clever Name*

      This guy sounds like a total mess. Do you want to be with someone who is a mess? How can he make you happy when he isn’t happy himself? You deserve someone who puts your needs first. Sometimes that person has to be you. Hugs.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      My wise friend used to say sometimes the kindest thing some people can do for us is to LET GO of us.

      On some level he knows he has a lot of baggage to sort. And he knows that he has to sort it himself. Not you or anyone else can sort it for him.

      Ironically, sometimes when things are going well, old stuff erupts to the surface. My wise friend used to say, that the old stuff comes flooding forward because we have found a safe place to confront that stuff. It is possible that you were a safe place for him and he actually started looking at his emotions for the first time.
      Clearly, NOT the role you wanted to play in his life. Things just fell that way.

      I do think that it’s pretty clear that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with bad timing. He needs to sort his life out before he can invite someone else into it.

      As far as his reason for the break up? The fact that he has 30 reasons and some are conflicting stands alone as enough reason to set another person free to go live their life. He has lots of confusion going on and he thought enough of you not to drag you through it.

      It’s sad on both sides of the story here. I am so sorry. Take care of you and do what you need to do to reknit your life.

      1. Christmas*

        “Ironically, sometimes when things are going well, old stuff erupts to the surface. My wise friend used to say, that the old stuff comes flooding forward because we have found a safe place to confront that stuff. It is possible that you were a safe place for him and he actually started looking at his emotions for the first time.”

        MIND. BLOWN.

        I feel like this explains the sudden-ness of the break up. I’m struggling to describe it right, but that’s how it felt. I was really happy with him and I felt safe and cared for. And I felt like he was happy with me and felt safe with me, too. Then there was a couple weeks where it seemed like he was backing off a little, but I chalked it up to other things (we were both traveling around the same time). He got back from a work trip, I got back from mine, and the very first night that I went over to his place after having not seen each other for a week, he broke up with me. It was like having a bucket of ice water dumped over my head. I was literally shocked. I came out of almost nowhere. But what you said really makes sense. I really appreciate yes. And all the other responses, too. I felt like I was drowning when I first posted this, but I’m finally above water and catching air now.
        Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, it’s hard typing on my phone. But I truly thank you for your kind words, and your eye-opening perspective!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          What you are saying here fits with the theory of him finding a safe place.
          It’s okay to frame things this way and wish him well, then move on.
          In what you say here he actually has a good handle on all the things he needs to sort. His message delivery sucks but he seems to be facing his reality.

          Somethings are just bigger than us, OP. And you just happened to step into one of those settings. Doesn’t make it hurt less, but at least kind of seeing what happened and why sort of gives us permission to move forward.

    14. Parenthetically*

      He then said that he will “NEVER be in a relationship AGAIN” and that he will **“happily die alone”** because his children are “all he needs” in life.

      Holy shirt. This is a super fcking gross and manipulative thing to say, and based on his breakup speech alone you are WELL RID OF THIS DICKBAG. Honestly I want you to sit on my couch and drink a little too much and tell me all the stupid, asinine, self-sabotaging, self-excusing things this guy ever said or did in the course of your relationship so I could text them back to you at crucial moments, because I guarantee he didn’t just transform from a kind, open, self-aware, generous, working-on-himself kind of dude into a blamey, manipulative, ranty, clueless jagweed with emotional IBS in a single conversation.

      *drunkenly screeches Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know at him on your behalf*

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Indeed. Honey, this has nothing to do with you. This guy is having some kind of breakdown over his divorce. He’s not saying he’d rather die alone than with you. He’s saying he is morbidly fixated on death. He is in a bad place, and you are not the one who put him there.

        His “reasons” don’t make sense because they are literally not about you and bear no resemblance to you. He’s just projecting all these mixed-up feelings onto you.

        Dating YOU didn’t have anything to do with him feeling this way. Dating, period, made all this mishgias bubble up that he can’t cope with.

        You will never make sense of it, because it makes no sense. Stop trying. He’s just imploding and you got hit with the shrapnel.

        He sounds so chaotic right now, wouldn’t be at all surprised if he cycles back to asking for a second chance because he was wrong, he didn’t know what he had till he lost you, (insert self-pitying nonsense here), etc.

        If that happens, do NOT give him the time of day. Lace up your shoes and run a mile to get away from him.

        You dodged a bullet, totally.

        PS – I used to work for a divorce attorney. Unless it’s an abuse, fraud or bigamy case, it’s extremely rare that a divorce happens because one party is utterly toxic and the other is totally healthy and has enviable relationship skills. There’s usually plenty of toxicity to go around, because nobody behaves well when they are in a dying relationship. And nobody who is extremely healthy winds up married to someone totally toxic. If a healthy person starts dating someone evil and horrible, they pull the ripcord early, not after they have multiple kids.

        1. TemporaryMe*

          +1, I was going to write some helpful comments, but the wonderful folks here have it covered. I’m even learning (as I always do) more insight.

          Christmas, you got this… and you have so much good input here as you move forward. Don’t look back… you are not going that direction. He’s the past. You have a much better future.

        2. Christmas*

          Lilysparrow: I just now saw your comments! I love the metaphor you used about how he is imploding and I’m getting hit with the shrapnel. That really stood out to me, so much so that I screenshotted it to save and look back at. (I tend to blame myself for making someone leave, and think that the behavior of others is a direct reflection of me. So this is all been difficult.)

          By the way, you were spot on about toxicity and unhealthy behavior in dying relationships. My guy talked about how controlling his ex-wife was, but I’m sure he’s not spotless. He can be pretty rigid/controlling himself. There were a couple of other behavioral red flags, but I will refrain from going on a tangent. The biggest one, though, since you mentioned kids: He kind of admitted that he and his ex kept having children and buying houses together, even though they were thinking of splitting throughout that time. “This will fix the marriage!”
          The more I think about all of this, and discuss experiences with everyone here, I’m starting to think that he probably has no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like.

      2. Christmas*

        Parenthetically: I’ll bring the ice cream and wine!!
        By the way, your comment about belting out “You Oughta Know” had me **howling**!! LOL!!!
        (((hug))))

        By the way, I have to admit, his comment about how he doesn’t need a girlfriend because he has children and thats all he needs… That one stung. I don’t have any children of my own (and it’s looking like I never will) so I was just like… Heartache. I think I mumbled something like “I’m so glad you for you.” Ugh.

        1. Lilysparrow*

          Well, if he thinks children are a replacement/compensation for the emotional intimacy and support one gets from a romantic partner?

          I pity his kids.

          Kids, bless ’em, do not meet an adults emotional needs. They can’t, and it’s not supposed to be their job. Parents are supposed to be giving support and meeting the kid’s emotional needs until they are grown enough to form relationships on an adult level.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Oof, yes, come right over, and Lilysparrow should come too because she’s absolutely right about children being a desperately, tragically wrong substitute for an adult partner/friend/sounding board.

          It stung because he was thinking only of himself, and when people are going on spiky, self-absorbed rants, they rarely notice where the spikes land.

    15. Wishing You Well*

      I am sorry this is hurting you. I do think you dodged a disaster here.
      “Recently divorced” sounds like this was a rebound relationship. His “reasons” don’t matter. (He was babbling.)
      I hope you can move through this and realize you’re better off without this mess of a guy.
      Sending good thoughts.

      1. Christmas*

        Thank you so much, “Wishing”
        As much as I have tried to avoid the R-word, I admit it: this was a rebound for him. You’re absolutely right. It’s a bit embarrassing because my close friends warned me specifically that it might be a rebound, so after it ended I felt like an idiot or like I got played. But, I know that my intentions were good, I put my heart in it, and there’s nothing more I can do for him because he is indeed a “mess.” This has been really helpful because I have a tendency to blame myself, and wonder what I could’ve done differently or done better. I really appreciate all the encouragement as well as the general consensus that this is not my fault, and I’m better off moving on from this guy. I truly feel a world of difference from the choking depression I was feeling when I first posted this. I feel more energized to continue to get help. Thank you again, so much.

    16. LibbyG*

      Warm hugs to you, Christmas! I was once REALLY torn up after someone who, like your ex, was really just utterly unavailable, called it off with me. I realized it conceptually, but I was left with the question of what was going on in my own life that prompted such a strong reaction. In my case, some career set-backs and a couple of personal stressors led me to put SO much on this non-starter of a relationship. Parsing the ex’s words made me feel worse and worse. I had to figure out my own context before I could feel better. Whatever your path forward is, I hope it is a swift and joyful one!

      1. Christmas*

        LibbyG: This is really insightful. I probably did put far too much weight on this relationship, actually. You have made me think about my own personal stressors and insecurities regarding my job. Looking at it now, you are right. I was really happy with him so it kind of became the one really good thing going on in my life. So losing it was devastating. I’ve been trying to invest in other aspects of my life, like getting back into running and marathons, hiking, other hobbies. I’ve been struggling with depression and panic attacks, so I think it’s time to get more serious help with that until I get back on track. Thank you immensely for the insightful response, the kind words, and the warm hugs! (Hug!!)

    17. nonegiven*

      This guy is his own worst enemy. He is the one putting pressure on himself. He may have jumped into a relationship too soon because he felt that pressure.

    18. Alex*

      Agree. One thing that stands out to me here is that this post is all about HIM. He feels this, he said that.

      But, he broke up with you, and he’s allowed to do that. I’m so sorry that it hurts, but maybe try and free yourself a bit from the “reasons” because any reason would have hurt. Any reason hurts if someone is breaking up with you and you don’t want to break up with them. There wouldn’t have been a magical reason that he could have had that would make it not hurt, and believing that there could be (“I could move on from this if any of it made sense…”) is just prolonging this for you.

      So, try to sit in that a bit. Grieve for the relationship. Make it about you and what you are feeling, not what he is/was/could have been/maybe not feeling. His feelings don’t matter anymore. Yours do. Make the breakup story about you. “I dated a guy I really liked, I felt really happy with him, but he decided he didn’t want to date me. I was devastated.”

      Keep going to therapy. Call some friends. Wear sweatpants. You WILL feel better eventually, but not today.

    19. ampersand*

      I went through something similar with my ex-huband. If not for the fact that he doesn’t have kids, I would swear you were dating my ex! What eventually helped me, after he filed for divorce, was realizing that his reasons for divorcing me had a lot more to do with him and his family of origin (among other things, I think he was afraid that I would try to control him, because his mom tried to/did control his dad) than me. He also told me he’d never get married again and wanted to be single for a lonnnnng time—that really hurts to hear and can be a blow to your ego and sense of self. Just keep in mind that it’s not you.

      I eventually realized that I was not going to make sense of why he divorced me—while it turned out to be for the best, and definitely it was a (long-term) bullet dodged, it didn’t feel that way at the time! I had to make an actual effort to move on—not suggesting you should do the same; just wanted to let you know that I was in a similar place and what worked for me was to say, welp, this makes no sense—I have to move on with life or I’m going to drive myself crazy. Three years later and I’m remarried to an awesome guy and am very happy, and though I’ve moved on I don’t think I’ll ever be “over” what happened to me. Some things just don’t make sense, are hard or impossible to reconcile, and you get through them as best you can and move on to other—and often better—things. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve. I feel for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this!

    20. bunniferous*

      If it helps, I believe you have dodged a bullet with that guy. I am sorry he did that to you, it was not fair. But he is in no way shape or form in a good place to have a relationship. And he probably had more to do with the divorce than he is letting on.

    21. Lobsterp0t*

      Are you spending that therapy time and money on his issues, or yours

      Because he sounds like a real piece of work

      End of story – he chose to breakup with you – for reasons that seem to have nothing to do with you.

      Sounds like an ass, to be honest.

    22. Nana*

      Please, please, please…do NOT let him rent space in your head (or heart). His life sucks, and he’s just realizing it. Rather than thinking of things he might do (starting with therapy), he’d rather blame outside forces (his parents, his ex-wife, YOU) for all of it.
      It may be hard to believe now…but you are well out of this. Never be involved with someone who’s just left another relationship (whether widowed or divorced) says the very old woman.

    23. The Rat-Catcher*

      My friend was broken up with in an eerily similar manner during a spiral that ended with his (ex’s) hospitalization. Not at all that I am trying to Internet diagnose your ex, but maybe that framing will resonate with you? If not, I think everyone else is right that he just wasn’t ready to date.

  30. Hei Freya*

    How do you get used to living in a colder climate?
    I just moved to Northern Europe from a city that gets pretty hot summers and nice and long springs and falls. I’m trying to adjust and can dress appropriately but I obviously need a lot more layers than locals.
    I generally get cold quite easily so my goal is just to be less cold and having to carry less layers during a sunny day when I left in the morning when it’s still cold.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I live in a cold climate and layers are key, so you’re doing the right thing there. I’m also a fan of carrying tea (or hot water with a bit of honey and lemon) with me in the fall and winter, and often before I’m going out, I’ll run my hands under hot water right before I go. If my hands get cold, the rest of me gets cold fast.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I’ve been back and forth between the mid-Atlantic U.S. and Canada all my life. What works for me:

      – Tights, thin leggings, or thermal longjohns from mid-September to June or even July
      – Even if it’s warm and sunny out, I’ll carry a light “athleisure” jacket, a silk or cotton scarf, and a hat with me, because the temperature drops surprisingly steeply when the clouds roll in or after dusk
      – I’ve embraced being the oddball newcomer who can’t tolerate the cold: yep, that’s me wearing a sportsteam toque from the city I used to live in, even though it’s July, you know it
      – In winter I’ll have a cup of hot caffeine-free tea most evenings, warms up my core and my fingers

    3. The Messy Headed Momma*

      Smartwool socks. They’re expensive, but last a long time & are AWESOME!

    4. Dan*

      It’s possible you don’t ever get used to it. I did the opposite — moved from a colder climate (Northern US) to a mild climate (mid Atlantic, in a state that is actually considered “the south”.)

      What’s different for me is the humidity. The first summer I lived here, I was a walking sweat bomb in the summer. I did get used to that to some extent.

      In terms of *living* in a colder climate, as others have said, you layer up. But you may never cut back on the number of layers you wear. Me, I spent 18 years sleeping in a cold basement with thick blankets. So you’d think 20 years down the road in a warmer climate, I’d be happy with a sheet on my bed. Nope! I need thick blankets and an air conditioner.

    5. Policy wonk*

      Silk thermal underwear. Warm, but not bulky, doesn’t make movement difficult. I grew up in a cold climate, but moved to a warmer one and no longer have my old tolerance for cold weather!

    6. Goose Lavel*

      Your blood will thicken to adapt to the cold conditions over time and you’ll fell warmer.

      Climate change is also making Europe warmer.

    7. NicoleK*

      I’m generally always cold too.
      1. I wear a camisole under my blouses. It’s not bulky or heavy, but gives me a little extra warmth
      2. I typically wear pants or long skirts to keep me warmer
      3. closed toe shoes
      4. I keep a light jacket or sweater at work as the air conditioning can be too much
      5. On the weekends, when running errands, I typically leave the house with a zippered hooded sweatshirt on. If the weather gets warmer, I can tie the sweatshirt around my waist.

    8. zyx*

      You might also look into whether your clothes and shoes are made of the same material as what other people wear. One of my friends moved to Banff from a hot part of California, and during her first winter she learned that no amount of cotton clothing would ever keep her warm enough. Buying warm boots and wool clothing made a world of difference.

      You probably don’t want snow boots for summer, but the clothing favored by locals might be different than what you’re currently wearing.

    9. Traffic_Spiral*

      1.) go running outside. It’ll help your body reset to the new temperatures it needs to deal with. If you can start running while it’s warm and keep at it through the cold season, that’s great.

      2.) Protect your extremities. Feet, hands, and head will lose most your body heat so keep them warm.

      3.) a warm scarf.

    10. Lost in the Woods*

      Layers are an unavoidable part of living in a cold climate, I’m afraid. Wearing layers under what you might consider your “base” (like tights or leggings under trousers) is a good idea. I recommend becoming a fan of jackets and/or sweaters. Try making those layers non-synthetic (wool or wool-blends are especially good), because manmade fibers don’t tend to breathe nearly as well as natural fibers, and as a result you get sweaty and then even colder. Fabric fiber content matters hugely to heat retention and breathability.

      Could you also become the kind of person who wears a nice hat? Heat loss from the head is a real thing, so maybe wearing a beret or a classy beanie during chilly mornings would help, and hats are less bulk to lug around than an extra jacket. Scarves might also be an option, if you aren’t a hat person.

      One tip for the winter: in order for all those layers to do their thing, they need to create seals against the air. As a result, the order in which you put things on matters a lot. The hat should go on first, then a scarf, then a pair of gloves or mittens, and then finally the coat (or you can just tuck your gloves/mittens inside your cuffs). So long as there are little gaps between each layer, the air will have the opportunity to leech heat off of you.

    11. Good luck with that*

      Animal fibers are your friends: wool, alpaca, mohair. Cotton will never be warm enough for a northern winter. Knitted silk, as mentioned by others, is surprisingly warm.
      Make sure your boots are waterproof, with wool socks or liners. Wet feet are cold feet, and cold feet make all of you cold. Wool remains good insulation even when damp, but dry is better.
      Never go out without hand and head coverings if it’s below freezing. Frost bitten once, extra sensitive to cold forever. Mittens are warmer than gloves. Mittens over gloves are warmer yet. Hats that don’t cover your ears are for chilly, not cold, weather.
      Just because a coat has a hood doesn’t mean it will keep your head warm. Too many hoods are for looks, and let cold air inside. Wrap a scarf around the outside to keep your hood close against your head.
      Cheap hand-warmers to put in your pockets: take a pair of socks (cheapies are OK, but no holes) and fill the feet with dry, uncooked rice. Sew them up or tie knots to keep the rice in. Zap them briefly in the microwave before you go out. Much cheaper than the fancy chemical hand warmers, and infinitely reusable. (Unless they get wet – the rice will swell, then go bad. But you can dump it out and replace it. Plain rice is cheap.)
      If you have to stand outside to wait for a bus or train, turn your back to the wind as much as possible, or duck your head, to keep the wind off your face.
      Moisturize religiously. Cold air has very low absolute humidity.

  31. Just One More*

    Content warning for liquor and drinking.

    I feel like I’m having a hard time with social drinking. When I’m hanging out with my friends, I constantly have a drink in my hand. I’m not getting black-out drunk every weekend but I constantly refill my drink in social settings. Has anyone else gone through this and can give tips for cutting back? I don’t want to be the friend who is drinking to excess at every single party.

    1. Agent J*

      Do you think it’s habit? Does drinking help with any social anxiety? Do you just like to drink but want to but limits on it?

      One thing that has helped me recently is to limit myself to one drink per outing. This was more for financial reasons (I was also buying multiple drinks, food, Ubers home because I was too tired, etc.) so limiting myself to just one drink has helped me to save money. I also try to time my drinks so if I get to the bar first, I’ll wait for my friends to arrive before I order so I feel like we’re drinking together.

      You can also try switching to something non-alcoholic after you have a drink or two. Something like a club soda and lime so you can have something in your hand, but not necessarily liquor.

      1. tab*

        Exactly what I do. I start with a large glass of water (with lime to make it festive). After I’m done with that, I have a drink. Repeat no more than twice.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        Yes! It spaces out the time between drinks, usually helps with any resulting hangovers, and you end up having to spend time in the bathroom which is time not spent refilling your drink.

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Yes. You can also try soda water/seltzer water if you’d rather have that instead of plain water. (Most bars have this, and many bars will either charge for one refillable soft drink or not charge at all for soft drinks if you’ve also ordered, say, a shot of whiskey. I have spent many evenings sipping on two neat whiskeys and drinking multiple pints of soda water between each, particularly when it’s hot out.)

    3. Rexish*

      I’m a social drinker. I dont get drunk, but I do have a drink in my hand and often suggest going for “one”.
      Some of my favourite cider brand do non alcoholic versions. Also mocktails are really good. Sodas are making a comeback so you can find many cool ones so it’s not just sprite or coke.

      One thinking that helped me was to pace myself. Nurse the one drink. Take a drink and water so you won’t drink the alcohol for the thirst.

    4. self employed*

      You might be interested in the book “This Naked Mind” about cutting back on drinking.

    5. MatKnifeNinja*

      Not paying attention to what you are drinking? Like mindless snacking or are you self medicating for anxiety/whatever?

      I found carrying in a glass of soft drink or club soda with lime/club soda with cranberry juice looks enough like a “drink”, you don’t stand out.

      I like top shelf vodka, and Guinness. If neither can be had, I wander around with a club soda and lime. That looks like a mixed drink so the nosey-s don’t ask why I’m not drinking. I’ve walked around with orange juice (faux screw driver), or a virgin bloody mary.

      I’m 55 so no one usually hassles me about not drinking anymore. Drink water in between your alcoholic ones to keep well hydrated. Carry a decoy drink if you have friends who nag you about “not drinking”. I have had virgin mix drinks that are tastey and bonus round no booze. The bartender puts the virgin drinks in the same style of glass.

    6. LGC*

      Basically what everyone else suggested – alternate between alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. Hopefully, your social circle does not pressure you to drink to excess (and if they do, that’s an entirely different issue).

      In addition – yeah, check in with yourself as to why you need to refill your drink constantly. (In my case, I’m nervous in social situations and also I need to have something with me.) I’ve often asked for “X and a glass of water,” which slows me down considerably.

    7. Dan*

      Just for the sake of conversation, I’m having trouble separating “don’t get black out drunk” and “don’t want to drink to excess.” In my book, they are pretty similar.

      “Always has a drink in hand” well, its significance is partly a function of body type. I’m a big guy, and if I drink two drinks an hour, I can always have a drink in hand, but not get terribly intoxicated.

      As for what you can do. If you drink beer, switch to the lower ABV beers. I’ve found these days that anything under 6% takes me a *long* time to feel its effects. And there are plenty of good beers in this ABV range.

      Alternating with water helps too, and in fact, is a very good idea for a number of reasons. If you’re mixing your own cocktails, you can water them down.

      If you mostly drink wine, your options for moderation are a bit more limited. Wine tends to be a rather consistent ABV, and one doesn’t water down wine, so…

      As an aside, depending on your party logistics, don’t let people “helpfully” top off your drink. You can’t manage consumption like that. My ex and I used to get together with her social-drinking (and then some) family. And then afterward, she’d be like “OMG I drank too much.” To which I would tell her, if she really wants to cut back on what she drinks, she needs to tell her dad to stop “being nice” and topping off her wine. I saw how often he would do it, and there’s no way anybody was keeping up with how much was actually getting poured/consumed.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        In the summer, I water down (cheap) wine 50/50 with soda water, but that’s more of an “at home” thing and I don’t know that you could talk a bar into doing it. (I also dilute most non-alcoholic juices with water or soda water at home. I just don’t need strong flavors, I guess.)

    8. matcha123*

      I enjoy drinking with friends and the vast majority of the time I have no problems. That is because I make sure to eat something before I start drinking, eat something while drinking, and track what I’ve been drinking…asking for water, too.
      The times when I’ve had too much to drink and threw up are when I’m not drinking water, not eating enough, and feel like I need to keep up with someone…usually someone who keeps ordering for themselves and makes you feel like you should have something, too.
      My tips would be: eat something before you go out, order a glass of water with your drinks and don’t rush through them, go to the bathroom as often as you need, and take some time to step out and get some fresh air.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      There was a public service announcement back in the early 8os that said, “If you think you might have a drinking problem, then you probably do.”
      Initially, I thought that was a harsh message. But I learned the psychological addiction comes before the physical addiction. This made so much sense to me. Additionally, you know lack of rest is a really odd thing. If we do not get enough rest we can find ourselves developing habits that we may not otherwise choose.
      You could try skipping some events/gatherings. You could try leaving earlier in favor of more rest. And see where that puts you.
      My personal favorite question, are these gatherings actually fun for you??? When I asked myself this question I found myself saying “NO! They are definitely NOT fun.” And I was going to these things, WHY?

    10. Anon answer on this*

      I had a recent conversation with myself on this topic. I come from a family with a history of alcoholism in some individuals. So first I challenged myself to alternate drinking days or outings and non-drinking ones. Treat yourself to some great non-alcoholic drink(s) on alternate outings. Forcing myself to not drink at times I would have in the past was a good way for me go gauge where I was on drinking as a habit versus as a problem.

      Then when I was working to lose weight I decided to try a more dramatic cut in drinking – it was really hard for a few weeks but now I truly desire it so much less than I ever did. Not sure if it’s mental, physical, or a combination, but now that having alcoholic drinks is not the norm (I was having 1-2 drinks probably 4-5 days a week, so not drinking a lot, but doing it frequently), I’ve lost some of my interest in drinking. My scale says that’s a good thing at least. I’m not trying to stop drinking at all, just trying to stop it being a default behavior. Don’t know if any of this will work for you but did for me.

    11. I'm a Little Teapot*

      I have issues with this, and my solution has been to implement some pretty restrictive rules.

      1. I do not drink alone
      2. I do not get drunk
      3. Limited to 2 drinks if I don’t have to drive, 1 if I’m driving
      4. I don’t drink more than once a week
      5. I don’t drink 2 weekends in a row

      What this generally works out to is I basically don’t drink, and if I do, it’s 1 drink then switch to water or something else.

    12. Clever Name*

      If it’s a habit to be holding and drinking *something* maybe alternate alcohol with pop or seltzer water?

    13. Courageous cat*

      I have gone through this but have not cut back. I dunno, I’ve struggled so much with social anxiety my whole life, I’m happy to have something that essentially fixes it. I’m too old to keep TrYiNg different coping mechanisms or whatever, I just want something that works. The hangover prevents me from ever doing it too regularly.

    14. Lobsterp0t*

      Yes this is relatable a f.

      I did a no drinking month and just… kept going, bar one or two here and there.

      What helps me is thinking about what I won’t feel, which is:
      Dehydrated
      Grouchy
      Too tired
      Confused
      Bloated
      Constipated or the opposite
      Headachey

      Personally I found alternatives to drink and just gave people a severe look if they made a scene about it. I go home early before other people are too pissed to be enjoyable company.

      It helps that my wife already typically doesn’t drink – but honestly, it was very much about me.

      I’ve only just had a couple drinks or done any day drinking on the holiday we’re on now, and it’s been fine, but mostly I could take or leave it.

      I think the thing you have to answer for yourself is, what’s putting the drink in your hand, and what’s keeping it refilled?

      For me personally, black and white rules do not work. So I make a daily decision about drinking or not and then remember why I made it, the why is always more important than the what for me.

      Also, I find that I drink alcoholic drinks really fast – but if I only have water there, I drink it just as fast. So I drink a lot of water or soda and lime or something – usually a pint or two – before I order anything to drink.

      Also, you can do stuff like only take cash out with you, or evaluate how much of your spending goes to alcohol and put that ££ somewhere else instead, etc.

      A lot of people do say this change affects their friendships – I guess you have to be open to that possibility but ultimately if the way to keep people in your life is by you drinking alcohol in quantities and ways you then regret, affecting your liver and your mental health… that’s a good dynamic to question.

    15. Sparrow*

      One thing that I did that helped was not buying alcoholic beverages at the grocery store. I get invited to a lot of casual potluck-type gatherings, and for a while, a bottle of wine was something easy that I could keep on hand and just grab whenever my friend invited me over for dinner on a random Tuesday. This led to a lot of gatherings involving drinking when they didn’t necessarily have to, and me occasionally opening the bottle for myself after a long day. If I don’t have any on hand I can’t do that.

  32. Disgruntled Daughter*

    I’ve written here before about my relationship with my mother (a bit more anon today). I guess I’m just looking for permission to distance myself from her from a smart and compassionate group.

    My mother has terrible money management that has affected our relationship for the past 10+ years. I’ve had banks take money from my account to cover her bad checks (we had connected accounts at one point; I’ve put an end to that), given her thousand of dollars over the years (also ended that), and currently financially supporting my little brother through college. I’ve given a lot to my family but it never seems to be enough for her.

    I’ve been seeing a therapist and putting some boundaries in place. The situation has caused me a lot of anxiety and stress about money, even though my finances are stable. But I’m stuck feeling like if I distance myself from her or cut her off, that I’m a bad daughter.

    A friend of mine who recently became a parent asked why don’t I just find a way to deal. Her parents were/are also pretty crappy too but her father died and she had a kid last year, so she’s much more willing to make her family work out for the sake of the kid. But it made me feel so guilty about my mom. What if she died while we were in a bad place in our relationship? How would I deal with the regret and guilt then?

    My mother isn’t a bad person. She’s had a crappy life and in turn, makes crappy money and life decisions. When am I allowed to say “I can’t do this anymore” without feeling like a bad person?

    1. The Francher Kid*

      An internet stranger with a boundary-stomping mother gives you permission to say “I can’t do this anymore” right now. Work with your therapist about your feelings and don’t let your friend guilt you into thinking you have to continue trying to do the impossible or you will be a failure. You are not your friend, she is not you. What works for her may not work for you. That does not make you a bad person. I was working with a therapist putting boundaries in place with my mother when she died, and she and I were in a very bad place. I continued seeing the therapist after my mother’s death and worked through the guilt and regret. I was not the daughter she wanted, she was not the mother I needed. Your mother’s crappy life and bad decisions are not your fault and not yours to fix.

      1. Disgruntled Daughter*

        I was not the daughter she wanted, she was not the mother I needed.

        I just cried reading this, because it’s exactly how I feel. Thank you, kind internet stranger.

        1. valentine*

          Your mom had a lifetime of chances. She chose what she chose. Now, it’s your turn. Fly and be free.

          When your friend said deal, I thought it was going to be estrangement and peace, not more endurance. Wow! I am a fan of chosen family. No need to repeat trauma, and certainly not to foist it onto the next generation.

        2. ..Kat..*

          you also need to be taking care of yourself, saving for your future so that you are not destitute in your old age. Your mother will always be a gaping maw of need. No amount of money can make it better. Therefore, make it no money. Most people will not understand your cutting your mother off. That is because they have never had this toxic a relationship and therefore believe your mother is not truly “that bad.” I recommend just not discussing this with them.

          Please consider therapy for yourself. It can be very helpful in learning how to erect and maintain boundaries.

          Also, you are kind to support your brother thru college. I hope he appreciates it and uses the opportunity well.

          Good lluck.

    2. Christy*

      I think you could have said that five years ago and been emotionally in the clear.

      I’m mad at your friend for projecting her own situation onto you. She gets an opinion about her own relationship with her family, not yours.

    3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      You are not a bad person. Take care of yourself: if your mother is even close to being as good a mother as you are a daughter, she’d want you to do that.

      Your friend’s “advice” is worse than useless. Anything that starts with “why don’t you just…” is suspect, and “just find a way to deal” means she isn’t even suggesting something (reasonable or otherwise). “Why don’t you just find way to deal?” might as well be “why don’t you just keep being miserable and not change anything?”

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Setting boundaries is dealing and your friend is off base. You can be an estranged daughter without being a bad person. There is a difference between not giving her money anymore and crashing in her home for years without doing a lick of work, being abusive to her, and stealing all her money. In the bell curve of stereotypically “good” to “bad” daughters, which I would argue doesn’t exist anyway, you’re actually doing really well even if you never speak to her again and just maybe send a card sometimes.

    5. Eva and Me*

      Unfortunately, your mom will never get a handle on her own finances as long as she has you to guilt into something. Have a conversation: you love her and want to help her; be clear about what you’re willing to do and NOT willing to do. The situation isn’t tenable, as she will take as much as you give her and still want more. This doesn’t make her a bad person, just an unhealthy one. Being consistent is so, so important, as giving in once will lead to more requests. You need to consider your own future wellbeing. Depending on her age and condition, there can be social services that might be able to help her some; likely, you’ll have to investigate for her, and a consumer education/finances seminar or course might help her, as well.

      Don’t listen to your friend. Her comments apply to her, not to you. And it’s wonderful that you’re able to help your brother out — hopefully, he is able to appreciate it for the gift it is and won’t ever fall into the learned helplessness trap your mom is currently in.

    6. No fan of Chaos*

      One of my favorite sayings is that you can’t solve money problems with money. She has bad habits with money just like I have bad habits with food. Stop giving her money as it won’t solve the problem, ever. Join a group like Debitors Anonymous to see how this problem is solvable and you can’t fix it.

    7. Bagpuss*

      Now. As you say, you’ve given her lots of help, and you’re still supporting your brother.
      You are neither a bad daughter nor a bad person, it’s OK to remind yourself that you can’t control her decisions and that you are not responsible for rescuing her from the consequences of them.
      You can be a good daughter in lots of ways which don’t involve supporting her financially.

      Of course knowing that, and *feeling* it are two different things, but hopefully reminding yourself regularly, and having others, such as your therapist, trusted friends etc. will help.

      If she dies when you were in a bad place in your relationship? I am sure that you would feel a degree of regret and guilt, not because you’ve done anything wrong but because it is normal to have regrets . Maybe think of things you can do which will be helpful to you. For instance, if you think that you might be left feeling regret about parting on bad terms, you could consider sending her cards or letters giving her any news you are comfortable sharing, perhaps telling her about good memories you have of her / your childhood, and that you love her. It’s harder to derail a postcard than it is a phonecall, and it means you are leaving the door open to a closer relationship if she decides she wants one , and if she doesn’t, you know that you made that attempt. (Obviously don’t do this if she tells you not to contact her, but otherwise, it might help)

      Also, think about what you would say to a friend in a similar situation, and try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to that person.

    8. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Now is fine. You have gone above and beyond, and it is wonderful that you are helping your brother (but only if he is not taking this for granted!). Ideas: you can say “I can do this IF…” because you absolutely can put stipulations on what is done with YOUR money. (For example, you might pay for her to take a class on money management, and if she can stay on a budget for a few months, help her a little with one of her bills. You are thoughtful in realizing that her financial woes are partially due to lack of knowledge in this area.) If you really have a hard time saying no, you can also look at your own finances, make a budget, and tell her “my financial advisor says I can’t.” (Hi… There are many of us advising you to do that!) Regardless, take care of yourself however you need to. I’m sure your therapist will continue to help you with setting boundaries (good for you for already doing so); but every time you set a boundary there will be push back! By the way, “helping her” over the past 10 years clearly hasn’t set her on the right track. It is in her best interest to have her finances in good order. What if something suddenly happened to YOU? what would she do then? Can you see your stepping back as a loving act, one that is not enabling her to continue to make bad choices?

    9. Dan*

      My mom doesn’t function at an adult level. I left the house when I was 17 and skipped my senior year of high school (it’s been over 20 years at this point) mostly due to her, and she doesn’t really understand why. She’s asked me from time to time if things “were really that bad” and I always duck the question, because I don’t think she can actually process it. Never mind that the mechanism through which I skipped high school was a state program that required the school district to pay for me to go to college. While what I did isn’t terribly unusual (there’s a state law governing that program, after all) what was unusual was that I lived in a rural area and the college classes I needed could only be done via correspondence… or moving 90 miles to the nearest community college. So I moved 90 miles. My mom was *vehemently* opposed to me doing this, and I took care of all of the logistics myself. She at point did need to give some sort of consent, and when she did, her explanation was “if I make you stay, you’re going to make my life a living hell.” Nowhere in here was a conversation about what I needed and what was best for me.

      The phrasing I use is similar to The Francher Kid: “She was the mom she wanted to be, not the mom I needed.” It’s taken me a long time to fully grasp all of this, let alone accept it.

      As to your question, what will you do if she dies while you’re in a bad place? IMHO, sometimes it’s best to put together a plan for the worst outcome, and hope you don’t need it. That way, you’ll get some emotional peace by knowing you have the situation covered, as “not knowing” in and of itself can really eat people up.

      2. TemporaryMe*

        +1. And if you don’t put in the boundaries now, where will you be if she dies? Resentful and miserable, and without the personal growth that boundary setting will give you.
        She may – but probably won’t – die while you are working things out. I took almost a 20 year hiatus from my mom (minimal contact, holidays once a year only), and then went back only on my terms.
        She lived through it. We have a better relationship now. It is not good, but at least, when she tries to stomp on my boundaries, I have the (thank you therapy) words to say “no” or the ability to chalk it up to her, and walk away for a bit. She needs me more than I need her. Frankly, you are in the power position. Don’t be afraid of it. Put her at arms length until you and your therapist have a plan in place and you can hold firm.

    10. matcha123*

      Are you me? I could have written this.
      We are in a better place now, with lots of talking and me acting as a kind of therapist/counselor. Getting your own bank account is the first big step. Saying no to giving money for this or that is the other.
      It’s great that your finances are stable! Keep it up. I am slowly getting to that point.
      I had to say point blank “If you want me to be able to take care of you in the future when you can’t take care of yourself, you need to find a way to take care of yourself now. Because there’s no way for me to take care of the both of us forever.” And I repeated that over and over in a number of different ways.
      Distance also helped. And letting her know that I can understand her situation, but it’s not fair to me. And yes, to all the anxiety and everything that comes with what you are dealing with! It is truly a rollercoaster and one of the many reasons why I will never have kids myself.

      1. Disgruntled Daughter*

        It is truly a rollercoaster and one of the many reasons why I will never have kids myself.

        It’s comforting to know someone else feels this way. I’ve never wanted kids and I’ve only recently realized it’s because my relationship with my mother is so fraught. I could never put a child through what I’ve been through, even if I think I would be a better parent…some things just get passed down without a lot of hard work to curb it.

        I hope your journey continues to move you forward as well. The day I became financially stable outside of my mother’s influence I felt so free.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Please check out books about mother-daughter relationships. There are many of them. Please read at least one.

      What ever book you chose you will find dozens of examples of women who were totally drained by their mothers. (Drained by whatever means: financial, psychological, physical, etc.) I suggest this because it is usually easier to see someone else’s situation clearly than it is to see our own situation clearly.

      As you read people’s stories and you find yourself waiting for the daughter in the story to move on, realize that you are not thinking of that daughter as a bad person. You are seeing it as a baseline need for survival.

      I do want to attempt at what you will do with regret and guilt if she dies and the two of you have been disconnected for a while:

      The last time I saw my mother alive was about a year before she died. Some people might gasp, “What a horrible person.” I am okay with that. They are not me. They have not been where I have been. They have not put in a 2000% effort and come up empty for it. They don’t need to know the background. *I* am the only one who really needs to know and understand.

      I did not cry at her funeral. The reason was that I had spent all of my life crying over her. I had fronted my caring, I cared while she was still among the living. I did end up shedding a few tears for my father who was blindsided by her illness and early death. I felt bad for him.
      I felt free. I felt 20 years younger. (Before her death, I was 23 going on 63.) See, like you, I tried way too hard. I tried with every cell in my body to help her in as many ways as I could think of.
      After she died, I had nightmares about the ugly side of her personality for at least another decade and it took close to 2 decades to clean up the worst of the damage inside my body because of all that went on. (Some of that damage happened because of my own poor choices.)
      I did not feel guilt because I had put so much into working with her. I did not feel regret for the same reason. All I felt was sad that we could never be a real mother-daughter duo. And surprisingly, I felt very sad for how she suffered here. I had to deal with the fact there were numerous times she could have helped herself and she repeated chose not to.

      You get to say “I can’t do this anymore” when it is hurting you physically, financially and/or psychologically. You get to quit when it is interfering with your baseline quality of life. You get to quit when you see other mom-daughter relationships and realize the number of ways she has failed you are not measurable. You will never be able to count that high.
      You get to quit when you start thinking about we are responsible for how our lives play out right up to our dying day. And you know this rule applies to you also.
      Her problems are huge and no ONE person is going to fix her. You are not going fix her. Worse, she will continue to harm you in some way. One of the first things they teach you in first aid training is, “Do not allow yourself to become injured.” Likewise with relationships, do not allow yourself to become injured.

      Last point. My wise friend used to say sometimes we have to get out of the way so REAL help can get in. Step to one side and allow others a chance at helping her. They may find that all they can do is prevent her from doing more damage. Then so be it. That is the answer.

      1. Disgruntled Daughter*

        Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.

        I will definitely look into those mother-daughter books. Funny enough, years ago I read a father-daughter book to really helped me to forgive my father for being largely absent in my childhood. I never thought to seek out a book on the mother-daughter relationship.

    12. Madge*

      I agree with Dr. Anonymous, limiting contact IS a way to deal with your mother. And you get to decide what you can handle. Leave the grief and regret for tomorrow and deal with how you feel today. You could just as easily feel grief and regret about not making a change sooner. You can wish for a better relationship and regret the relationship you have/had without regretting the choices you made based on the situation you were in. Think about it as if it were raining on your wedding day. You can regret the rain or wish the weather were better, but that doesn’t mean the things you did on account of the rain were bad or regrettable. Your mother is making choices here as well and you have as much control over them as you do the rain. Ultimately it’s your definitions of good and bad that matter here. And your friend may be finding her sacrifice hard to bear at the moment and selfishly wants to limit your options instead of encouraging you to do what she’d like to do. So she’s not a good sounding board for you on this topic.

    13. Wishing You Well*

      You’re not a bad person – just the opposite.
      Dave Ramsey on Youtube has a lot to say about setting limits with relatives who want money. Watch a bunch of those for moral support. The book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend also covers this subject. The book is very Christian- and Bible-based, just FYI.
      Setting boundaries and limits is a loving thing to do, even though it doesn’t feel like it. You’re allowed to block phone calls and other communication, if you need to.
      Good for you on seeing a therapist! Please continue to see them. Best Wishes

      1. Disgruntled Daughter*

        I’m actually reading the Boundaries book now. It’s really helped me to see how many behaviors are Not Okay and that it’s definitely okay to not put up with them. Thank you for the well wishes.

    14. Amethyst*

      Here’s a phrase I found a few years back that’s now become my motto:

      You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. -Author unknown

      I was you. I have a DV background as a survivor. My childhood was filled with arguing, yelling, slapping, beatings, & passive aggressive comments, combined with calm, then the calm before the storm where everything built up again before the incident that sparks the big fight. I moved from that to care for my father’s mother for four years. Those years were spent with me watching over the shoulder for her next big attack (she loves to charge from behind), blocking me in rooms, physical abuse, cutting off the house phone & asking others to break my computer so I couldn’t get internet access… List goes on & on.

      I nearly broke myself trying to get this woman help. My father denied the issues & said he was “looking into it” for 3.5 years before I did my own research & found out he’d lied. For 3.5 years. I tried to get his brother to help. Instead, he tried to break my computer, but didn’t have an idea what my password was (I’d taken to locking it when I left the house) & never succeeded. He participated in the abuse.

      When I left, I was just barely able to function. I was thisclose to being admitted into the hospital for observation because I was that broken. & yet I continued to think that “If only I tried ___, she would’ve gotten help. I should’ve tried that, too. That would’ve been a good idea.” for several months afterward. In the end, I literally had to choose between saving me & my future, or ruining any possible chance of having decent work options if I stayed for her.

      That phrase changed everything for me & made me see that I am Ms. FixIt. I am the scapegoat of this toxic, dysfunctional family of mine & nothing will change. That sentence made me see that I busted my ass & then quite a bit besides, getting her help & having everyone around me shut my efforts down. There was NOTHING ELSE I could’ve done to save her. NOTHING.

      You can’t save your mother either. You’ve poured thousands of dollars into the black hole named Mom over a period of decades, & you are quite within your rights to say “enough.” She’s doing nothing to save herself from her own bad choices because she’s got YOU. YOU are her Bank. She knows that all she has to do is go to you & say she’s in trouble & you’ll cough up the money to get her out. Again & again & again. She never has to handle a budget because YOU’ll cover the deficit. You are keeping her afloat & enabling her from facing her own mistakes & fixing it on her own.

      You CAN walk away. If anyone tries to guilt you, you can tell them (or yourself, since you’re well within your rights NOT to answer them) that you’ve given over $___ to her. You can’t do it anymore. You have your own future to plan for. If they want to take up the mantle of being Bank For Mom, they are more than welcome to be, but you cannot do it any longer. Her account with you is overdrawn.

      I’d also suggest you read a forum hosted by Out Of the FOG. FOG is an acronym that stands for fear, obligation, guilt. There are quite a few members who’ve been where you are now & they can provide you with a lot of advice.

      I hope this helps you.

      1. Disgruntled Daughter*

        This does help me a lot. Thank you for sharing, although this sounds like a very painful experience for you all around.

        I found the Out of the FOG forum and there’s a wealth of information and support there. This is such a great resource and I’ll recommend it to others.

    16. Lilysparrow*

      Setting boundaries with a parent makes you feel like a bad child, because parents set our definitions of “good” and “bad” in the first place.

      Every adult has to separate from their parents’ authority and approval in order to become a fully independent person. That’s what growing up is.

      Healthy parents encourage that process, guide it in constructive ways, and make it a gradual, normal thing. Dysfunctional parents resist it and discourage it. But it has to happen either way.

      Feeling like a “bad child” is a temporary part of that separation process. In healthy families, it’s mild and short term, and the relationship readjusts itself to a new “normal” that everyone is happy with.

      With dysfunctional parents, it’s far more intense, and the parent may never be happy with the outcome. But it is still temporary, and you will be happy with the outcome.

      As long as you fear and avoid the pain of temporarily feeling like a bad child, you will be stuck in the permanent pain of this enmeshed relationship.

      I wish you the best!

      1. MindOverMoneyChick*

        “Setting boundaries with a parent makes you feel like a bad child, because parents set our definitions of “good” and “bad” in the first place.”

        So much this!. I’m lucky enough to come from a stable loving family and I have a good friends who came from an abusive one. Not “call CPS and get the children out of the house” abusive, but harsh and unkind on a regular basis. After knowing her about 10 years she was telling me she had a breakthrough in therapy and that her mom was abusive. I was waiting for the rest of the story – “what’s the breakthrough?” I asked because legit didn’t know. To her the idea that her parents were abusive was the breakthrough. She knew how they treated her and that it hurt her but never thought of it as abuse, because it was her norm. And I never thought to explicitly labeled it as abuse because it was just so obvious to me. 10 years of discussion our parents together I never realized she didn’t see her’s as abusive.

        1. Disgruntled Daughter*

          So much this. It’s only been in recent 1-2 years that I’ve understood that my relationship with my mom was dysfunctional and not normal. I knew something was off but didn’t realize how bad it was until I started going to therapy. Thank God for therapists!

      2. Disgruntled Daughter*

        Thank you, this perspective is so helpful. It does feel like a cycle of stunted growth, going through the motions over and over again.

    17. Disgruntled Daughter*

      Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. It feels good to know I’m not alone and I’m not a bad person or daughter for saying Enough is Enough.

      I’ve stopped lending my mom money and I plan to talk to her soon about how I will no longer discuss money or finances with her under any circumstances. This will likely set her off and accuse me of “cutting her off” but as many of you have mentioned, that’s okay. That’s not my problem to fix. I’m tired of money (particularly her lack of it) being a stressor for me and I’m sending it back to sender.

      I try to share these struggles with my brother as a cautionary tale to show him how to avoid ending up in my position. My mom has borrowed money from my brother in the past and she knows I’m very, VERY against that so she doesn’t tell me. I’m hoping by modeling good boundaries that my brother will also establish his own. For now, he has way better money habits than my mother and I think he’ll be okay.

    18. WS*

      I set some boundaries with my mother in my mid-20s, and things definitely went downhill for about two years after that, including almost a year with her not speaking to me. I’m now in my 40s (she’s in her 70s) and our relationship is vastly improved. I don’t think you are giving up on her by protecting yourself, you are re-establishing yourself as an adult, and the rest is up to her.

    19. Myrin*

      I’m so sorry you went through all this and still can’t seem to be free from it completely. Jedi hugs if you want them!

      You ask “What if she died while we were in a bad place in our relationship? How would I deal with the regret and guilt then?” and I have to reject that narrative from the get-go. I reckon this line of thinking has weirdly entered our general cultural environment without any input of people who have actually been in the kind of abusive situation you describe. Because you know what?

      From all the stories similar to yours which I’ve encountred both in real life and online, this regret and guilt you so fear… just doesn’t happen. It’s just not there. The vast, vast, vast majority of people who have stories like yours don’t feel regret and guilt after their parent’s death, they just feel relieved and free, possibly for the first time ever. So as such, I’ve come to believe that this kind of hypothetical has been wrongly framed from the beginning on, quite possibly from the view of an outside, to boot.

      (And as a sidenote: Without knowing more about your friend than the little you revealed here, she might very much be making the wrong call regarding her own family, too. If her mother is still is “pretty crappy”, she shouldn’t want to expose her kid to that crappiness just so the kid can say they have a grandma. “No grandma” is better than “crappy grandma”! I’m reminded of the people who stay together “for the kids”. Children of relationships like that end up pretty unanimously hating every second of it and wishing their parents had just split up already.)

      1. fposte*

        I’ll approach that from a different angle. I always have regret and guilt. It’s not crushing or even really constant or anything, and it’s probably related to executive functioning challenges that leave me acutely aware of multiple competing possibilities. But there is no guaranteed regret-free/guilt-free option available, and I don’t spend energy hunting for one.

        So instead I focus on questions like who do I want to be, how do I want to live my life, and what’s a valuable way to spend my time? It sounds like we’re talking a bottomless parent who demands a total sacrifice of her daughter’s life and who still won’t be happy. If I was unable to break free of that I’d have a whole lot of regrets and guilt. Whereas if I put firm boundaries down, I’ll have some regrets that we never had the relationship I wanted, but overall I’ll be a lot happier, and she’s not likely to be any more unhappy. So setting boundaries = some regrets but not as many, and more overall happiness between the two of you than option #1.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Great point.
          My family is really good about saying, “Well, you are going to regret that later!” As if regret is some sort of weapon or something.

          We don’t get to have regret-free lives. There is always something. I will always regret losing my grip on that dog’s leash. That will never go away. But I can use it to motivate myself to stay on track with subsequent dogs and keep a tighter grip and a more watchful eye.

          We can allow our regrets to teach us.
          We can use regret to learn how to forgive our own selves.
          We can use our regrets to give us empathy for other people’s situations.

          If we feel regret about any decision that is not the end of the story. It could be the beginning of a new chapter in our lives as we adjust what we are doing in light of our sense of regret.

          1. Lilysparrow*

            I firmly believe that anyone who reaches the age of oh, say, 30 and claims to have “no regrets” is either in deep denial or is a sociopath.

            It’s impossible to live in this world without screwing something up or letting someone down, including yourself. And sometimes you can make the best possible decision for the best possible reasons and just simply be flat-out wrong.

        2. Myrin*

          That’s a very good point as well!
          Now that I think about it, it’s really interesting how no one ever frames it as “If you let yourself me eaten up by Thing for the rest of your life, you’ll probably regret it!”.

    20. Observer*

      Do you really need to cut her off in order to deal with the money issues? If so, then do that. But before you do that, really explore (with a financial adviser AND your therapist) your options here.

      As for your friend who asked why you don’t “just find a way to deal”, I’ve found that when people ask why you don’t “just” do something or other that’s very broad (eg find a way to deal), they really don’t have a clue as to what the situation is. So don’t let that get to you.

    21. Perstephanie*

      Somewhere inside my (bottomless pit of need) mother is a woman who wants a healthy, thriving daughter.

      She’s not capable now (nor ever was) of giving me the parenting and support I’ve needed to become that daughter. I’ve had to parent myself. When I feel guilty (which is always; see “bottomless pit of need,” above), I try to remind myself that my making healthy decisions that support my well-being IS giving her what she wants — or at least what the tiny seed of good mother that is in there somewhere would want.

      It helps. This stuff is hard. Be good to yourself.

  33. SpellingBee*

    Riffing on AcademiaNut’s comment above about having the AC set too low actually making it harder to deal with hot and humid weather, for those of you who use AC, where do you keep it? We’re in agreement with AN and have the downstairs set at 78 and the upstairs set at 76, to be a bit cooler for sleeping. We find this quite comfortable in conjunction with ceiling fans, and it feels plenty cool when you come in from 95 outside. I personally have a love/hate relationship with AC – we live in Georgia so it’s necessary for part of the year and I’m thankful for it, but I delay putting it on for as long as I can still manage with open windows and fans, much preferring fresh air.

    This was a discussion on another board I read, and some of the people responding gave much lower temps, like around 70. There was one person who said she kept the AC at 69-70 so she could wear a light sweatshirt or long-sleeved T in the house in the summer, which I thought was a bit odd.

    So in short, in summer we set at 76-78, and in winter we set at 64-68 (lower at night). What’s everyone else do?

    1. ThatGirl*

      We’re in Illinois but it can get pretty hot and humid, we’ve had a streak of upper 80s and 90s since late June. Anyway, our AC is set at 76 during the day and 71 at night. Unfortunately our hvac is a bit underpowered and our bedroom only has one vent so it never quite gets to 71 up there. But it’s a reasonable sleeping temp. My ideal for sleeping is around 65-70.

    2. Reba*

      That’s about where we fall. My ideal temp is actually 80 or so :)
      We sometimes go a little lower for sleeping, as I have a partner who runs hotter.

      I hate the AC in-and-out of summer.

    3. No Tribble At All*

      AC at 76?! Nope, ours is 72 or else I turn into a cranky steamed lobster. Hubs is comfortable in 76, but when it’s that warm I don’t want him to touch me, so that defeats the point of a husband! (We live in Virginia)

    4. merp*

      According to my friends I’m an outlier but I get cold so easily with AC so I never set it below 76. But most of my friends prefer 70 or so, which leaves me dressed like it’s winter, haha. Somehow AC cold is different from proper outdoor cold because I can handle 70 any other time!

    5. Beatrice*

      Mine is 73-75 in summer, 67-69 in winter. My family would prefer colder in summer and warmer in winter, but my rule is that I’m not paying extra to be unseasonably uncomfortable in my own house.

    6. buttrue???*

      Currently 71 at all times. Just replaced the heat pump and got upgraded model that should keep temp more even and cut monthly costs. Will probably program so nights are cooler (70 or 69). Any warmer and husband is too warm. Any cooler and I’m too cold. Usually same temperature in the winter.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        We do almost the same thing – 70F during the day all year, and 67-68 at night plus ceiling fan. We live in the Pac Northwest so the annual temperature range isn’t as wide as other parts of the US/world. Although any time summer temps above 75 want to show up, I’m waiting!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m in Indiana. I set ours during the summer to 78 during the day and 73 from 8pm to 6am (I work from home all day and my husband is gone, but he has huge sleeping issues in the heat and I don’t want to listen to him fuss :-P ). In the winter, I keep it around 66 – again, I’m the only one home all day, but I’m sitting in a single room, so I keep the whole-house heat lower and just wear sweats and use a heated fan in my office.

    8. Llellayena*

      I set my (undersized, window unit) a/c to 75, which tends to keep my studio apt at about 78. Comfortable for me, mom complains when she’s over. And I don’t leave it on overnight because it’s loud.

    9. Lucette Kensack*

      My husband and I joke that our temperature compatibility is as key to our happy marriage as are our shared values. I truly don’t know what I would do if he liked to keep the house warm. Happily, we’re both cold people.

      In the winter, we keep the house at 58 overnight and when we’re not at home, and hit a max of 66 when we’re around. Basically, as cold as is safe for the house itself (we live in a very, very cold climate).

      In the summer, we have a complicated series of programmed temperatures — high temp while we’re not home, kick on to a comfortable temperature in the evenings, higher again overnight, quick hit of cold right before we wake up, etc. Our bedroom (in a converted attic) runs at least 10 degrees warmer than the main area in the house, so we sometimes program the a/c super low so it keeps blowing all night. When we’re hanging out in the house we tend to keep it between 72 and 74.

    11. LuJessMin*

      My central a/c is 18 years old, so during the hottest days of summer, I’m lucky if I can get it down to 76 during the day and 74 at night. If I could, I’d take it down to about 72 at night. I’m hoping it holds out through the summer, then I’ll get a new one in the fall.

    12. Dan*

      Lately I’ve been keeping it warmer during the day than I used to. But at night it’s 68-70 and during the day somewhere between 72-74. I can’t sleep well at night if it’s much warmer than 70, which these days means I hate places with lousy air conditioning.

    13. SAHM*

      We generally keep ours at 75, but we usually don’t turn it on until the afternoon or I realize “huh I’m hot.” And it’s at 82, lol. We usually turn off the AC at night around 10 or so. We live in a fairly hot dry area, it usually stays in the 90’s during the summer with a few weekends hitting 105-112 but we’ve had an uncharacteristic cool streak recently and it was like high 70’s low 80’s recently.
      Weirdly enough, my hubs who claims to hate the heat, wont put on the AC and also doesn’t think we should run it at night when we can open the windows. I love the heat but I need the AC on when it hits 80 in the house.
      Winter we keep the house at 70.

    14. Tipcat*

      Mississippi, 82-84, with ceiling fans and desk fans. As hot as I can stand; as cool as I can afford.

      1. university minion*

        Florida, same.
        Once it’s dark, I open the windows and put box fans in, which gets the house down to around 76 by morning. It’s not fun, but I can’t have the city utilities getting more than they already do.

    15. nonegiven*

      I’m more comfortable with my arms covered. I sleep better with colder air and a blanket. I mean waking up sweating over and over with nightmares that never end, I had enough of that when we didn’t have good A/C.

      Also, what you set it on is the temperature where the thermostat is, not necessarily the temperature in the rest of the house.

    16. MindOverMoneyChick*

      77 downstairs during the day and upstairs in the evening, but 73 for sleeping. I just sleep better in the cold. In the winter I try to keep it at about 60 at night, but my husband doesn’t love this.

    17. NewReadingGlasses*

      I actually love it at 80 to 82F, but I’m in a very dry climate (around 20% right now). Also our air conditioner is actually a swamp cooler, which gets you about 10 degrees lower than outside at the price of adding humidity, so I don’t turn it on until the cats start looking limp.

    18. Overeducated*

      We have two window AC units for a 2 bedroom apartment. In the summer we set one bedroom AC to about 1/3 strength (no temperature control) and keep a fan in the other. We set the common area AC to 74, which I guess sounds low given these responses, but it is a lot of space for one small unit and doesn’t feel like the whole place is that cool.

      In the winter we used to keep heat at 62-64, it is centrally controlled in our current building and high enough that we have to crack windows frequently (to reduce condensation as well).

    19. Ranon*

      78 during the day at home, 83 while we’re away, 74 at night. Keeps our electric bill down at about $60/mo (we also live in a well shaded lower unit which helps although our insulation is garbage). I like to be able to walk outside in the same clothes as I’m wearing inside for the most part.

      In winter we hold at about 64 since we have heat pump heat that wants to kick the electric resistance on the second we move the temp around. It’s a big seasonal swing but we spend so much time outside that we don’t notice it and we save a fair bit on our electric bill by shifting it that much.

    20. fposte*

      I’m waiting for the system that lets me keep the floor level at a different temperature than the waist and above. My feet like 76, the rest of me 72-73. We compromise with 73 and socks.

      While I feel I should try to keep the temp set higher, I just can’t deal. My house holds onto temperatures pretty well once it’s there, and I have a high efficiency HVAC and some decent shade from the south. like to think that means the difference of a few degrees isn’t that big, but I’m probably just rationalizing.

      2. Lost in the Woods*

        Radiant heat is the answer. We have it in part of the house which was originally an enclosed porch but eventually was renovated into a full room – but it still had the brick exterior walls, which apparently the owner at that point didn’t want to pay to replace, so they put in radiant heat in the floor of just that one room. It’s amazing, sometimes when no one else is home in the winter I lay on it like a starfish. The dog barely leaves that room in January.

        1. fposte*

          I forgot about those! Unfortunately that’s not going to happen in my current house. Maybe next time ’round.

    21. Lost in the Woods*

      We’re at a compromise temp of 74 with our swamp cooler. It’s currently in the mid-high nineties during the day, but since it’s a very dry climate (high plains) it gets down to 60-65 at night, so we have it set to go off at midnight. Of course, this means that the inside of the house is much more humid than outside, so we’ve taken to keeping chips and other crispy snacks in the oven, which somehow retains the outside humidity much better.

  34. Rewe*

    I’ve been analysing my anxiety and feelings a lot lately. I think I’ve come into conclusion that deep down I have a fear of being a burden to others.

    Does anybody have good literature reccomendations? I want to learn more.

      2. Almost Academic*

        I’m in training to be a therapist, and Mind Over Mood is the workbook I by far use the most with my clients. I think I’ve bought 4 copies so far to give out myself to various friends and family members. Highly recommend it for working through CBT basics if you’re interested in making positive changes to help you feel better and less anxious / ruled by your fears.

        That being said OP, it’s not a workbook from a psychodynamic perspective – i.e., if the literature you’re most interested in is more philosophical, wanting to connect your conclusion to your childhood, and interested in just exploring your thoughts more than actually changing them / how you feel, you might not like the structure of the workbook as much.

      1. Rewe*

        Thank you <3
        It sucks. Especially not being able to share with the people i care about. I sometimes get this moment of gumption and how I deserve to ask for what I want. But usually that comes when I'm obectivley being unreasonable. Which leads to arguments. Which is why I'm here asking for literature.

    3. epi*

      You may be interested in cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT is an evidence based treatment for many mental illnesses but a lot of the work is exactly what you say you want: identifying and challenging negative, unhelpful beliefs that make you unhappy. If you’re not sure whether you want to see a therapist, or can’t access one, there are many CBT workbooks and even apps that can help you do some work on your own.

      I can recommend the books and workbooks of Marsha Linehan who developed dialectical behavioral therapy. This is another evidence based practice that modifies CBT by adding concepts like mindfulness, distress tolerance, and meditation. Her materials are often used in CBT settings as well and I will recommend the books even if you think meditation is not for you– there are lots of other activities and concepts in there that may be helpful and do not require you to meditate if you don’t want to.

      If you do see a therapist, tell them you have this specific belief you want to challenge and work on. They should discuss CBT/DBT with you as at least one option because they are evidence based therapies for exactly what you want.

      I also recommend the MoodSpace app, which helps people manage depression. The “challenge warpy thoughts” part of the app is a CBT thought record for you to fill out when you feel distressed. It will help you identify the thoughts that contributed to your negative feelings and think through whether they are really true. If you like that or at least can tolerate it and notice any mood benefits, you will definitely like CBT.

  35. City or me?*

    Is anyone having trouble with comments appearing? I posted a post twice and it still hasn’t showed up, but maybe I did something wrong…

      1. City or me?*

        Maybe! I’m glad it’s not just me though. Now I’m afraid I’ll have 3 of the same post pop up, sorry about that if that’s what happens!

    2. Christmas*

      My post was a bit lengthy, about suffering depression after a break-up, and it is awaiting moderation, too. It’s kind of embarrassing in retrospect so I probably won’t mind if it gets deleted.

  36. quirkypants*

    okay, this might be a bit of a long shot but I’m wondering if anyone has any experience recovering from an ankle surgery or even any other surgery that required weeks of inactivity, reduce Mobility, and pain. About 2 weeks ago I had what they call an open reduction, internal fixation surgery and I’m really struggling with this recovery process. I have a few specific questions but truly I’m open to all unsolicited stories and advice at this point.

    First question, besides my ankle pain I’m also dealing with all kinds of aches and pains in the rest of my body, the kind that come along with lack of movement and an inability to stretch. Does anyone have any tips? When I Google for exercises I tend to find exercises that are way too strenuous given where I’m at in my recovery. It’s things like YouTube videos a very fit women doing chin-ups and pull ups with a leg cast. I’m so not there yet.

    Question 2, in a week or two I’ll likely return to work on crutches or using what they call a knee scooter/walker and I need some wardrobe tips. My office is business casual but I have no idea what to wear. Skirts will be out of the question since I may need to throw my leg up on a desk to keep it elevated and all of my work appropriate pants are more of a slim-fit or straight fit that won’t fit over my cast. Even the capris I own that I thought might work are too tight to get up over my cast. I’m not a very fashionable person so any tips are very welcome. I’ve been mostly wearing pj’s for the last couple weeks.

    Lastly, for anyone who spent considerable time on crutches or laid up please just share your best life tips. How to transport things around your home when your arms are on crutches, short cuts, tips for managing boredom, whatever. I’m still in a fair bit of pain and I’ve been told it will be three months before I’ll be off crutches so I’m trying to manage the other aspects that I can while I wait for the pain to reduce.

    1. jDC*

      They make, or easier you can make little bags to attach to the handle of your crutches to carry things. Make sure they teach you how to manage stairs, it is not as easy as you may think and can be dangerous. Anytime someone is around to help have them bring things you may need to whatever room you need them in. Keep a bunch of water in your bedroom for example. Make sure you use your crutches correctly and don’t test them under your armpits. Bonus great biceps are coming soon from using them.

      If you don’t have Netflix or Hulu good time to indulge while you are stuck horizontal. You will get bored but if you are in pain it’s difficult to want to do much anyway. Have visitors often! Don’t hesitate to ask them for some help, to bring you something you need. I promise they will want to.

      1. quirkypants*

        I’ll have to look into the crutch bag idea, so far I’ve been hanging a tote bag around my neck with what I need in it but that’s getting awkward and will look a little odd when I go back to work.

        I’ve been pretty fortunate that my partner is around a lot to help me out, but I’m feeling like I’m going to burn them out soon. I’m not much help when it comes to cleaning, vacuuming, or laundry at this point. about all I can do is fold the laundry that they drop on the couch next to me. One of the hardest things are meals. Anytime I’m vertical for more than a couple of minutes the pain in my leg ramps up so all I’m really capable of is throwing things in the microwave for taking things out of the fridge that are largely prepared. I’ve been springing for a lot of takeout lately and I’m willing to bear the cost but we’re both getting sick that too. trying to recruit a couple of friends to help relieve the pressure on my partner.

        1. jDC*

          My mom used to work at a home health care pharmacy and there are a lot of items you can buy to make using crutches easier. If you happen to go by one that specifically carries a lot of home health care items there may be some good stuff for you. I broke my femur and was on crutches for months and the armpit pads, bag, etc came in so handy. I also got a toilet seat riser. Probably less necessary for an ankle but saved me since sitting down that far was difficult.

    2. catsaway*

      In regards to clothing, do you think your workplace would let you get away with wearing black or navy athletic pants while you have a cast on? Gap Fit has some wide(ish) leg crop pants and full length boot cut athletic pants that might fit over a cast better. Obviously yoga pants aren’t slacks but if you paired them with more formal tops (button up and a blazer?) hopefully your workplace would be ok with pretending yoga pants are slacks while you have a cast on. Also, Betabrand sells a lot of different cut of ‘dress yoga pants’ (ponte pants for work) that might fit over a cast.

      1. quirkypants*

        I don’t think they’d have an issue with yoga pants actually, everyone has been really supportive of what I’m going through so I think it would be okay. I’ve never been a yoga pants person so I hadn’t even thought of this. Thanks for the idea. Will check it out!

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          I’m so sorry! Pain rally takes it out of you. Target has palazzo pants and summer linen pants with wide leds that may work and can have a very sophisticated office casual look.

          I agree with calling ALL the friends and asking for meal prep help. A few times my friend group, having more time than money, has gifted Munchery or other meal delivery cards to friends in this kind of need. Maybe a close friend will want to rustle this up for you. You can throw your friends a big gratitude party when you’re on your feet.

    3. catsaway*

      In regards to exercise – have you looked up chair yoga or chair Pilates videos on YouTube? I badly sprained my ankle last November (was in a boot for a few weeks and couldn’t walk well for a month) and I used those videos to get some exercise/stretching in. Some of the moves assume you can stand and use the chair as support but you can ignore those. Also maybe look up ‘foot yoga’ videos that will have some relatively simple exercises that involve using all the muscles in you foot. Some of them resembled what the physical therapist told me to do.

      1. quirkypants*

        My bad foot is still in a cast for at least 6 weeks (then I get an air cast for about 6 weeks) but I’ll keep the foot yoga in mind for later! Thanks

    4. Pippa*

      Wear a shoe on your walking foot that keeps your hips aligned when you use the knee cart. Get a cart with a basket and brakes. Ask for dress code accomodation. Skirt layered with leggings might work for you. I got a pair of wide legged pull on pants made by Capezio that worked over my boot which looked ok for my business casual office.
      Best wishes for complete healing.

    5. Summer Rain*

      I don’t have any exact advice but broke my elbow 2 weeks ago and am now 10 days out from surgery, so I wanted to commiserate! I have found it to be a huge adjustment in both physical and mental state.

      Last week someone on this site recommended a facebook group that I joined and have found to be a great resource. It is “Injury Recovery BFFs”. It might be helpful for you. :)

      1. quirkypants*

        Ooooh, thank you. I need something like that.

        I am so sorry to hear about your elbow and the wait for your surgery. I waited 6 days and that felt like forever, knowing the rest of my recovery and healing could happen until after.

        The emotional and mental part is almost as hard as the physical part in some days… Best of luck to you. See you on FB ;)

        1. Summer Rain*

          yes, see you on fb and best of luck to you too! and sorry I wasn’t clear – I had surgery 10 days ago, so am on the “good” side – healing! I did have to wait 4 days before surgery and that did feel interminable.

          (Typing with one hand is slow and tedious and these days, though on my phone I can dictate, which is huge…..)

    6. infopubs*

      Try searching for “chair yoga” on youtube. A lot of it is aimed at the elderly, but there are some good routines that don’t need you to put weight on both legs. Some involve doing the stretches while sitting in the chair, and some have you hanging on to the back of the chair. Done with focus and intention, they can be a decent strengthening and stretching workout.

    7. Madge*

      Throw money at the problem. Not indiscrimiately, but definitely buy the stuff you need when you first think you need it. You’re going to be like this for a really long time and you deserve to be comfortable. You can buy a wedge pillow to elevate your leg on Amazon. You might think you don’t need it, that you can get by without it, and you can, but trust me, buy the pillow. Get two, one for your bed and one for the couch. You’ll be so much more comfortable and your body will be properly positioned. Same goes for the pillow that goes between your knees to align your hips…and the shoe lift to bring your other leg even with your booted leg….etc. I broke my ankle last year and developed piriformis syndrome and I firmly believe it was in part caused by poor alignment due to making do instead of buying what I needed. You’ll also want lots of cold packs and rice bags (to microwave for heat therapy). I also kept a few rice bags in the freezer and they were easier for me to tolerate than a traditional cold pack.

      Another way to throw money at the situation is to use shopping services. Even my teeny town has grocery delivery services like Instacart. You could have your big shopping trip delivered once a week or so and then make quick trips for the incidentals. You could also develop a 2-3 week cycle menu and just cycle through it until you need to mix it up.

      If PT will be part of your recovery package, it would be worth getting a session now so you can get exercises for where you’re at. A personal trainer could also help with this. you’re looking for low resistance exercises using your body weight or an elastic band. Small movements are all you need. But it could be that your body isn’t ready for exercise yet. Check with your doctor. If that’s the case you can probably still do some really gentle core strengthening exercises. Like lie on your back and alternate between engaging and relaxing your core muscles. You could also do some gentle leg stretches while you’re down there.

      For clothes, wide legged pants are trendy right now and probably on sale. They’re basically public pajama pants. The right pattern could carry you into fall depending on where you live and you could add tights or leggings to make them warmer. And fall will probably bring some wide legged pants in cold weather fabrics. Hopefully you’ll be allowed some latitude in the dress code since you’re obviously injured. You could also wear leggings under skirts. Or very dressy boot cut yoga pants. My yoga pants and boot cut jeans were able to stretch to fit over my boot. It was pretty obvious, but the pants went back to their original shape.

      YouTube and the internet in general are an amazing resource. Use your good judgement about where you get your information, but you’ll find a lot of what you need from outside sources. Orthopedists are notorious for not providing enough care information. I learned how to properly put my boot on from sales videos. I learned how to properly walk with crutches from YouTube. (side eye to urgent care who was completely wrong)

      I don’t know if this has hit you yet, but be aware, there’s a lot of mental health benefit everyone gets from moving their body in a normal way for them and being able to do things. Once you can’t, your mood can really suffer. This is a known thing. It’s a part of being injured and recovering and has nothing to do with your mental strength or weakness. I can’t remember the week durations now (3 weeks post injury? 5?…), but you can almost set your calendar by them. Be aware and be good to yourself. This is temporary and you will get through it.

      Last thing: there’s a facebook group for people with broken ankles. it’s a pretty broad group and is a great source for information and support. I’ll post the link in a sub comment but the name is “Broken Ankle / Foot / Leg Recovery – On a Quest for Normal!” It’s worth joining facebook for.

        1. quirkypants*

          Thank you! Some good tips and I’m already feeling the mental stuff…

          The easy core work and some floor stuff are a good place to start.

          I had been considering buying one of those leg pillows but was on the fence. You’ve convinced me.

          I had the same experience with terrible advice for using crutches when I first left the ER. What’s with that? YouTube was definitely a godsend with that.

    8. OtterB*

      Ask your surgeon if they can refer you for physical therapy to help identify the exercises you can do with your current limitations.

      Tell anyone who asks “what can I do” that you’d love some meals that could be easily reheated.

      I used a knee scooter for several months a few years ago. It was better than crutches for me. The basket was enormously helpful. Before you get one think about the surfaces you will use it on. Mine worked fine on hard surfaces like the hardwood floor at home and low pile carpet but was harder on thick carpet and almost useless for grass.

    9. Anono-me*

      Echoing the chorus of advice to get the adaptive medical equipment that will make your life easier. If money is tight, Craigslist usually has quite a list of medical equipment for sale.

      If you have any doubts about the medical plan at all, get a second opinion. Ankles are part of your foundation and if they are out of whack, it can be really challenging.

      Also you when you are up and around more, you want to make sure that whatever shoe you are wearing on the undamaged side puts you at an even height with the damaged ankle. Otherwise your whole body is out of whack.

      If you have a Trader Joe’s or Costco nearby, they have a lot of ready to go meals or almost ready to go meals.

      Feel better soon.

    10. Pam*

      I had external fixation- which meant no weight bearing. I used a wheelchair, which allowed me to hang a bag on it to carry things. Mostly, try to keep extra things where you could need them’ for example, water bottles both by the bed and your chair.

      For pants, you might try stretchy ones- usually fairly inexpensive- with a wide enough leg to go over your cast . I was at home on medical leave, so cut the leg short to make it easier to go over the pins.

      1. quirkypants*

        No weight bearing here, either. Crutches are hard so for longer distances my partner has pushed me about in the wheelchair I rented, but since my building and places around here aren’t 100% accessible I need to crutch when I’m on my own. This has given me more appreciation of how important accessibility is.

    11. rubyrose*

      Open reduction, internal fixation – been there, done that.
      There are a lot of wonderful recommendations above. I’ll try not to duplicate.
      As to pants – if the current wide leg pants end up not being allowed, have someone put invisible zippers in the pant leg of several of you current pants. One zipper per pant leg will do the trick.
      Propping leg up at work – use your trash can! Do not turn it upside down; you want to put your foot in the open top and rest it on the ridge. Positioned correctly, it will be fine. If it is hard plastic, it will adjust with your movements. You may or may not need a pillow. I never did.
      If your arm pits are hitting the top of the crutches, you are using them incorrectly. For the palms of your hands, try the gel filled biker gloves. If this turns into a longer recuperation than is expected, see if your doctor will prescribe forearm crutches. For me, they were much easier to maneuver.
      Save your wrists by getting a gel wrist rest for the computer. A trackball is better than your regular mouse.
      If you have not already gotten a temporary disabled parking tag, do it. Do not be bashful about using the motorized carts in the stores. Do not wait until you have already pushed yourself to the limit to use them. Those are there for you.
      Carting things around the office, and the house to some extent – get a messenger bag and instead of putting the strap around your shoulder, put it around your waist and let the bag itself hang in front. This took care of my needs in the office (think papers, notebooks, mug or cup with tight lid).
      Position 2 liter bottles of water around the house, so you are not needing to move liquid all the time.
      As to your bone healing – be sure your nutrition is really good right now, to support the bone growth. If you have any doubt about that, there is a product called Bone Up in all health food stores. It has all the vitamins and minerals needed for bone growth. By taking it, I cut the time my doctor told me I would be laid up by about 5 weeks.
      As to meals, chores around the house – hey, that is where your friends and family need to kick in.
      If I were bored and in pain, I would be binge watching whatever TV series I liked. Give your self permission to nap. Consider taking up mediation; it can help with the pain.
      Body aches and pains – perhaps go to YouTube and find people in wheelchairs stretching and exercising. Maybe get an in-home massage?

      You can do this. I’ll be thinking of you.

      1. quirkypants*

        Thank you, that’s very kind. It’s been rough.

        Lots of great tips, I will check out Bone Up.

        Times like this I wish I had a car and I would love a motorized scooter. I have never seen a motorized scooter available in stores to borrow, maybe I need to try new new stores. ;)

      2. NewReadingGlasses*

        Absolutely yes to the gel gloves with crutches. And if you do end up using a knee scooter, get some padding for your knee , more than the padding that comes with it. Do NOT try to carry stuff in your hands while also using crutches. Yes I did this, and it did not go well. Be aware that your balance will be very different,and things like weight in a backpack will be much more likely to unbalance and cause you to tip over. Also, don’t be too alarmed if your toenails on that side grow a little differently, but mention it to the doctor if they stop growing entirely or get significant ridges or new fungus-type symptoms.

    12. Windchime*

      A few years ago, I had a big surgery on my ankle that included detaching/reattaching my Achilles tendon as well as reshaping some bone. I was completely non-weight-bearing for 6 weeks and then continued on crutches and a boot for months after.

      Fortunately, I never had a cast except for the first 10 days or so. So I could take the boot off to get dressed. This meant I could wear my normal jeans to work; I just had to roll them up on the right side and then put the boot on. I think that my work would have allowed me to bend the dress code and wear comfy knit pants during that time if I had asked.

      I used knee scooters for the first 6 weeks; I actually rented two of them. One was for downstairs, the other for upstairs. There are no bedrooms or showers on my main floor so it really was a necessity to have two scooters. I crawled up the stairs and scooted down on my bottom. If I was going up or down the stairs, I would put items in a backpack and carry them that way. Both scooters had baskets and I definitely used those. I realized that I wasn’t good at crutches when I almost fell off the front porch, so I have no real advice about that. They were handy when I started back to weight-bearing, though.

      Good luck. It was a rough time for me and it’s amazingly hard to just stop using a leg for 6 weeks (or more).

    13. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Not a whole lot to add but what about a bum bag/fanny pack or a waist pack designed for hikers for carrying stuff around? It wouldn’t flop around like a bag and you might be able to get one in an unobtrusive colour. They are having a strange resurgence right now so they are fairly easy to find.

  37. jDC*

    Flying from So Cal to Chicago today with my dog. Wish me luck. We usually fly American so first United experience with the dog. Fingers crossed it goes smoothly.

    1. jDC*

      Grr my husband is not helping with my stress and flying anxiety. Seriously complaining o am arriving at 10pm. The flight was 1/3 of the price. It isn’t the end of the world. Really don’t need that today. Just Ubering home to not hear about it. The airport is seriously 10 mins from our house. Grrrr.

  38. The Curator*

    Writing Thread!
    The book will be out next week. Open access free download, physical book from a link. Beyond thrilled. A little post-big project let down. Will put the cover reveal link in following comment.

    1. The New Wanderer*

      That’s great, congratulations! My daughter loves creative writing and her teacher this past year spent class time working with the kids on developing writing skills instead of making it optional. I hope that catches on!

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      It looks great!! I tweeted the story. Probably won’t add any hits to your page but I’m excited by the ideas and your work!!!

  40. Lipedema Lady*

    Do you wear a skirt/pants size that is 2 -3 times larger than your blouse size? Read this.

    I know a lot of women read this blog, so I am posting about a condition that impacts 11% of women and very few of them know it: Lipedema.

    Lipedema is a fat disorder with symptoms that start to show during times of hormonal change (puberty, pregnancy, menopause) and is marked by disproportionate accumulation of fat in the lower body and sometimes arms. The fat is not normal fat, but often lumpy, hard and/or fibrotic. Legs are often painful to the touch and bruise easily. The Lipedema fat does not respond to traditional weight loss methods, although the regular fat around it can. Patients may successfully lose regular fat with a traditional weight loss diet, then may be puzzled when lipedma fat continues to grow. So little is known about Lipedema by the medical community, that patients are often misdiagnosed as simply obese, and not believed about their food consumption and level of exercise.

    If you have always had heavy legs, if they are painful and bruise easily, if they ache or feel numb at times, if you have trouble losing weight using all the traditional methods, if you wear clothing sizes that are 2 or 3 sizes larger on bottom than on top … you may have Lipedema. You may have all of these symptoms, or you may have just a few, but you should know that Lipedma is real, and you are not alone. Learn more at LipedmaProject dot Org. If you think you have it, you can then find facebook groups for support and info on how to get an official diagnosis. (If your doctor doesn’t believe it’s a thing, find one that does.)

    Warning: There are 5 types and 4 stages of Lipedma. As you research this, you will see photos of women who are suffering some of the worse cases; please do not be afraid that if you have this, you’ll someday look as they do. There are many ways women with this condition present, and some of them are quite slim. If it’s caught early, there are things you can do to slow progression, and some women report that with treatment, they can become stage 1 from having been stage 2.

    Hoping this helps someone. I have read (and related to) so many accounts from women saying “I wish I knew!” I am just trying to get the word out.

      1. Agnodike*

        I’m not the comment poster, but lipedema is a distinct pathology from lymphedema. Lymphedema doesn’t involve fat deposits as described above, so it sounds like the comment poster is in fact using the word they meant to use.

        1. Kuododi*

          Cool!!! Thanks for the update!!! In the middle of the insomnia haze the difference between the two terms wasn’t quite clear in my brain. Appreciate the help.

  41. SciDiver*

    Apartment hunting because I need a place to live by the end of next week–there’s one place I saw that I could do but I’d be living along 90% of the time and I know that’s going to be super difficult for me. What’s driving me nuts though: why is it so hard for people to respond to inquiries?? I just want to know if your listing is still open, it takes less than a minute to write back “Sorry, it’s not available anymore”!

    1. jDC*

      How about when I asked a guy when the apartment becomes available and he said “whoa whoa i wasn’t looking to move so fast”. Like that isn’t one of the most common questions one would ask. SMH

      1. SciDiver*

        Yep that’s such a weird response! It’s like people post these things and are surprised that some of us want to get more info/ask basic questions/contact them at all?

        1. jDC*

          Or the ones that expect an application before you even see the place. Why on earth would I apply for something I don’t know I want let alone give you my social security number.

          1. nonegiven*

            It could be an area that apartments go so fast that people need to apply quickly because they’ll be lucky if it isn’t taken by the end of the day.

            1. valentine*

              One place let me walk for 10 minutes or more in oppressive heat and chat for a bit before appearing startled and telling me I didn’t meet the salary requirement. Which there was no way for me to know about and which they could’ve told me at any time (or, preferably, just not called me).

  42. Foreign Octopus*

    I spent last weekend in San Sebastian in Spain, which was lovely even if I chose the wrong time of the year to visit. I should have gone earlier in the year as it was heaving with tourists, which is great for the local economy, not so great for someone who doesn’t like crowds.

    However, something happened there and I would love the commentariat’s advice on whether I’m justifiably annoyed or if I’m grumpy because of the heat and need to let it go.

    I went with a friend who I like but have been having a few boundary-related issues with. Nothing major, but she wants a closer friendship than I’m willing to give. I’m happy seeing her three or four times a year with a text once or twice a week, but she contacts me every day and it’s just tiring seeing her name pop up on my screen. I went to San Sebastian with her because, normally, she’s a brilliant person to travel with. Strangely, it’s the one area we gel really well together because normally I hate travelling with other people.

    Anyway, this weekend we were in San Sebastian for a visit and to see a mutual friend of ours who has just had a baby (I didn’t know it was possible for a baby to have so much hair, but this one is like Cousin It). We went to La Vina, a place that sells amazing cheesecake and she had been going on and on about this cheesecake for weeks so I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as she had made it out to be – you know what it’s like, high expectations = a lot of disappointment.

    Whilst there, she got chatting to some American tourists and told them it was my first time trying the cheesecake and suddenly I was the focus of everyone near me. Everyone wanted to know what I thought of it and were eager to see my reaction. I should note, I don’t like being the centre of attention, I’m much happier being ignored, so everyone looking at me was off-putting but I didn’t know how to get rid of them. So I eat the cheesecake, and it’s nice but not as great as my friend said it was and a whole conversation about my reaction (or lack thereof) follows.

    All I wanted was to eat my cheesecake in peace, and it somehow turned into the Foreign Octopus show. I’m really annoyed that my friend put me in that position and, writing it down, maybe this is a ridiculous thing to be annoyed about and it’s probably a symptom of larger issues in my friendship with her, but can people please help me to see the trees through the woods here? It’s really annoying me.

    1. Hazy Days*

      That does sound deeply annoying. If it’s a one off, let it go. If it’s the last straw, let it be the last straw. You already know which it is.

    2. Lucette Kensack*

      That sounds annoying, but also like something that shouldn’t normally be bothering you a week later, which makes me think that it’s about something more than the Cheesecake Incident. Maybe it’s your frustration with this friend, maybe you aren’t drawing the boundaries you need so it feels like they’re being trampled when they’re just not really there at all, etc.

    3. merp*

      I don’t want to sound harsh at all here but here’s my thought: if a friend wrote this about me, I’d be pretty bummed. It sounds like you’re pretty frustrated overall with the friendship more than the cheesecake but I’m not sure if you’ve ever talked to her about the level of contact? That might be better than trying to talk to her about the cheesecake specifically. A hard conversation to have but sounds like it would be good for the friendship and your sanity.

      1. merp*

        Oh but to be clear, I would also hate the incident you described. Totally fair to be annoyed by it. But I agree with Lucette above that if the friendship were otherwise good, you’d probably have forgotten it by now.

        1. valentine*

          if a friend wrote this about me, I’d be pretty bummed.
          If you don’t know them well enough to know they don’t want to be focused on like they just dropped their cafeteria tray in a teen movie, you don’t know them well enough to call so much attention to them.

          It bothers you because it throws her caring and lack thereof into sharp relief. to me, a friend is someone who agrees with you on defined terms, such as frequency of contact, and you can talk to them sooner about your (especially sore) feelings. Let her go or define terms.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      Sort of OT, but are there any places you really liked? We are going there in September.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        La Concha Bay is a must. It’s also very hard to miss since the sea is right there, but it’s so nice to walk along the promenade and take in the architecture and the views, so definitely do that.

        Obviously you have to hit the old town, but try to go early morning or mid-afternoon when it’s quieter because it’s the most touristic part of San Sebastian. There are so many wonderful tapas bars along here that you have to stop in and try them. You’ll see food piled up on the counter and most places generally charge by how many toothpicks are on your plate, so be aware of that.

        The Basillica de Santa Maria del Coro is in the old town and, if you’re there, you should check it out as it’s gorgeous. Very gothic, very amazing.

        And the Parque de Aiete is amazing! They’re gardens set in the Aeite Palace and are just so beautiful.

        If you have a car with you, then I also recommend the Carretera del Jaizkibel as it’s this amazingly beautiful driving route that will take you to a gorgeous fishing village called Hondarribia.

        San Sebastian is one of the most beautiful places I’ve been, but the actually Basque Country is just glorious.

        I hope you have a great time!

        Museo de San Telmo is a place I really enjoyed. It’s a museum all about Basque culture (they’re distinct from what you might perceive to be Spanish culture), and I had fun there.

    5. Wendie*

      Does not sound like a big deal – sounds like she was trying to be friendly and sociable to the other tourists.
      It sounds like you do not meet her energy in terms of friendliness or chattiness – one text a week is not much compared to every day.

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      You know, you guys are right (as I knew you’d be). I think I haven’t set my boundaries as clearly as I should have and our needs from the friendship are vastly different. I’m much, much happier pootling about on my own with my cat and my dog, watering my plants, and reading my books than going out once a week for a catch-up as nothing tends to happen that often for me. I need to make that clearer.

      And I think that the reason the Cheesecake Incident is lingering is because it’s a symptom of other things that are frustrating me.

      I think I just needed an outside perspective on this, so thank you.

    7. sum of two normal distributions*

      No, it’s annoying because you don’t like that. I have friends who are very “look at me, look at me” and friends who are more than happy to leave this Earth forgotten by all but a few. I know which is which, but it seems like this person does not and that shows a lack of consideration.

      Maybe this warrants a deeper conversation about values. To your friend’s credit, this isn’t stuff that’s easily picked up. I am much like you in that I don’t enjoy being in the thick of it, but before I spoke up about my preferences, I had friends think I was just shy and needed to be encouraged to get out there. It was well-intentioned but annoying still. It’s a bit of a two-way street – if you want this relationship to last, I would open up but if not, I would just move past this and then not travel with them anymore.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like she did not have much to say to these people so she dragged out the thing with you and the cheese cake to keep a conversation going on?

      Usually friends pull stuff OFF of each other in conversation. Let’s say two friends are out together and meet others who begin chatting. Friend A knows that Friend B does not like talking about X, as it’s upsetting for reasons.. Sure enough X comes up. Usually, Friend A would try to move the conversation to something else as soon as possible, knowing that X upsets Friend B. It’s just a little courtesy thing people give each other sometimes.

      Sounds like your friend does not know you well enough to know you do not like being the center of attention OR you told her and she forgot/ignored it.

      My thought is an annoying thought, but this is what I tell myself, so grain of salt and all that. I’d tell myself that I need to make a plan to tell her to stop this OR I need a plan to change this situation if it ever came up again. Here my idea is we cannot change the past we can only change what happens going forward. Sometimes my annoyance is more with myself for not advocating for ME better. ymmv.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      I am totally comfortable being the center of attention when I choose to be. I absolutely hate being put on the spot to perform an emotional or other response for someone else’s gratification/entertainment. You want an emotional display to order? Sign a Screen Actor’s Guild contract and freaking pay me.

      That setup was obnoxious, and I would have done my darndest to delay/deflect eating the damn cheesecake until everyone else gave up and left me alone.

      If I were friends with the person, I’d expect them to pick up on the fact that I was uncomfortable and not push it, rather than making a whole big thing of my response.

      And if we were borderline friends, it would be an immediate downgrade to “see you around, I guess” status. Either way I would be pissed.

      It was obnoxious.

    10. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      “. . . she got chatting to some American tourists and told them it was my first time trying the cheesecake and suddenly I was the focus of everyone near me. Everyone wanted to know what I thought of it and were eager to see my reaction . . . All I wanted was to eat my cheesecake in peace . . . “

      Reminds me of when I was a kid, I’d go with my emotionally abusive parents to a diner. They’d get a complete dinner which included everything, including dessert, and I just got a burger and fries. (That was my choice; I could have ordered a complete dinner if I wanted to.) My mother was weight-conscious so she’d let me have her dessert. Invariably, as I’m taking the first bite, mother would lean in toward me and go “Mmmmm,” which prevented me from enjoying that first bite because she’d be distracting me with her “Mmmmm.”

      So, like you, I couldn’t eat my dessert in peace.

  43. Lucette Kensack*

    I’ve posted a couple of times about our real estate saga. It’s been pretty ridiculous! The quick background: We’ve been trying to downsize into a condo but kept losing bidding wars because our offers were contingent on selling our house. And it just keeps getting sillier and sillier…

    Round 1, January: Made an offer on Amazing Deck Condo, contingent on selling our house. Another offer came in at the same amount, without a contingency, so they accepted that instead. Except! The other buyers had a dog that didn’t meet the size restriction, so their offer was contingent on the HOA agreeing to an exception. The HOA did not agree, and — suspiciously — the next day the buyers turned up with a doctor’s note saying it was an emotional support animal. Crazy Real Estate Market: 1, Lucette Kensack: 0.

    Round 2, May: Found the Dream Condo! Over budget, but what the hell. Made an offer at asking, accepted and signed by the sellers at 10 p.m. the Tuesday after Memorial Day. The purchase agreement stipulated that the house had to be on the market within six days, so we took Wednesday off to get started on staging. Noon on Wednesday we hear that they got a cash offer and were calling our contingency, which meant that we had four days to sell the house and get it through inspection. The market is hot, so we decided to give it a shot. And, miraculously, we did — the house sold in two days! But the offer on our house was contingent on our buyers selling their house, so it didn’t meet the requirements of the purchase agreement on Dream Condo. We decided to sell it anyway so we could have a better shot the next time we found something we wanted to buy. Crazy Real Estate Market: 2, Lucette Kensack: 0.

    Interlude, June: Our buyers have an FHA mortgage, so we go through the rigmarole to get our 100-year-old house through the FHA appraisal. Meanwhile, the sale of our buyer’s home runs into trouble. All seems ok now, but there were many sleepless nights. Closing is next week (after having been pushed back a week). Fingers crossed!

    Round 3, July: My husband sends me a listing for Goldilocks Condo — it’s just right, not grand and gorgeous like the Dream Condo, but squarely in our budget, pristinely updated, and in an even better location. We loved it before we even saw it in person and made an offer over asking on the first day it was on the market. A bidding war ensues, and because it was priced well we were able to be pretty aggressive and we win. Yay! Except: the day after we sign the seller calls our agent directly and tells him that he fired his agent. So far things are still progressing, so our fingers are crossed. In the meantime, we’re couch crashing with family in a 1,000 square foot apartment with four adults and two dogs. Whee!!

    1. T. Boone Pickens*

      I’m rooting for you Lucette! I’m knee deep in house hunting mode as well and it’s so…so much.

    2. Gatomon*

      Good luck!! I hope Goldilocks Condo comes through for you – I just got the keys to my Handyman’s Special Condo and I’m still shocked that it all went through without a bidding war or the bank suddenly deciding I’m persona non grata at the last minute! I think the general condition and the clutter/poor cleaning of the tenant worked in my favor though.

      My Realtor told me she had another client who had been bidding on homes in a certain neighborhood for over 2 years who finally won a bid a few weeks ago, which blows my mind.

      1. Windchime*

        I have a work friend who had been trying to buy a home in Seattle for several months. She finally closed a couple weeks ago. She was looking in the $500-600k and even at that level was getting out-bid on *everything*. It’s crazy out there.

        1. Gatomon*

          Holy cow! Thankfully our home prices aren’t anywhere near that high! But the income needed to purchase a median home is still about double the median income in my city, and only getting worse.

  44. Llellayena*

    I had asked a few weeks ago about hiring a professional organizer. Well, I did! She came yesterday and we went like a tornado through my apartment and now it looks incredible! I have floors, I have shelves which have nothing perched on the edges, I can see that I have a desk again! I still have a little bit of “homework” because we couldn’t get to everything, but even that is tucked away or contained in baskets. My next trick, now that I can see the surfaces, is to dust and vacuum. Next weekend!

      1. Llellayena*

        There’s a national organization for organizers (can’t remember the official name right now) and you can search their database by zip code.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have to have more details. What do you think were her best pearls of advice?

      1. Llellayena*

        Use vertical space (shelves to the ceiling) and if something comes in, something else goes out.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Yippee!!!! Good to know that you are on the road to keeping it up – homework – does that mean they are coming back? Or you just have action steps for following on yourself?

      1. Llellayena*

        Just action items to complete. I’m far enough along that she doesn’t need to return.

  45. MOAS*

    Warning: Ranting ahead….

    WHY DO SPORTS BRAS HAVE TO BE PULLED ON/OFF?

    WHY are they not like regular bras where you hook them front or back?

    WHY WERE THEY DESIGNED THIS WAY?

    (I know there are sports bras that hook completely in the front but after nearly 20 years of shopping for various clothing items, I have noticed that thsi is the exception rather than the rule.)

    Regardless of size, I’m 100000% sure that pulling off a sweaty sports bra after you’re finished working out is one of the most unpleasant things. *red angry emoji face*

    —

    Now that that’s out of the way….

    I asked last week about good workout pants that don’t slip down. I bought a pair from Target, from the Joylab brand. Wore them all day yesterday, stood in 90 deg heat for an hour, walked around a lot. No slippage. it was practically up to my ribcage, which was awesome.

    So in case anyone else would like to know .. Victoria’s Secret knockout high rise and Joy lab high rise.. so far so good for compression and rise and staying up power.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t know what your bra size is, but Lane Bryant carries sports bras that go on just like a regular bra. I have the ones that hook in back and I love them. Very supportive and they hold up well. I checked and the sizes range from 32A up to something like a 48H depending on the bra type. Although my chest isn’t huge, I like the support of the high impact ones. It’s just more comfortable for me.

      1. MOAS*

        I may look there. I’m around a 40 B or C I guess, broad back and smallish chest. IME for bras, it’s like bigger the band size, bigger the breasts when that’s not always the case.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Cup size is a ratio with band size rather than an absolute, so you are right that the “same” cup size is a different actual size as the band size changes.

          This is one of the many “fun” parts of bra shopping, and why people will try to sell you something up a band size and down a cup size, or down a band size but up a cup size if they don’t have things in your actual size. (These bras will not fit as well as one in your actual size, but will fit better than if you didn’t tweak both. I have had to settle for band size up/cup size down too many times in my life if I needed something in a hurry due to being a “special order” size.)

        2. Alex*

          Yes, a cup on a 40C is going to be WAY bigger than a cup on a 32C.

          I actually have the opposite problem, where I have a narrow back/shoulders/rib cage but big bazingas. So for bras that come in S, M, L instead of cup sizes, if I get one big enough to hold my chest without spilling, the band is way too loose.

          Either way, for both of us, getting bras that come in S, M, L aren’t ever really going to fit. Try shopping for sports bras where you can get a cup + band size.

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            I got mine at HerRoom but other online places have sports bras with band size + cup size. Let’s just say mine are the size of a grade that I never, ever, ever could have seen on a report card – and a rib cage that is smaller than a 34. Hard to find.
            I also get a front close, and low bounce/ high impact (for obvious reasons).
            I was so frustrated at the local stores’ selection (and I’m in a metro area)… I know the “good” ones are very expensive (think Wacoal priced) but… I hand wash setting in a lingerie bag and line dry (heat destroys elastic/spandex) and I’ve gotten 4 years out of the set I have now.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      I have some sports bras that have hooks but are also racerback style so there’s still the pullover aspect and THEN you have to hook them in the back to get the rib band support. I love the support since I need super compressive support, but hate the effort. I do have one traditional bra style type – tank style straps, hooks in the back, New Balance brand – but it’s not as great for running as the really compressive ones.

      I’ve seen ones that zip up the front, but I’m not sure how compressive they can get before a zipper pop becomes a risk…

      1. MOAS*

        So the pullover style is more for support? This is what Im trying to figure out, why they were designed this way to begin with lol. Like they can’t possibly be easy to take off…?

        Or maybe it’s me? I have a broad upper body, so clothing with back or side zippers were always a no go cz I just couldn’t reach them.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          I’m not sure but I think like Elspeth M points out further down, the racer or cross back is better for keeping the straps in place as well as off the center of the shoulder for better range of motion.

          I personally think these styles offer better compressive support too, but that might be that there are SO many more of them to try vs. only a handful of hook-back, hook-front, or zip front to try, and maybe I just haven’t tried the right other kind.

      2. Stick Figure*

        I finally figured out that since my chest and hips are about the same size, I can step into a sports bra to put it on and slide it down instead of up to get it off. About the only advantage to a Twiggy figure.

    3. ThatGirl*

      I just bought a new sports bra that you can take on and off like a normal one. You may want to look at more specialized lingerie stores, I go to a local one in a nearby town.

    4. jDC*

      Ugh pulling a soaking wet sports bra off is the worst. I have to get them pretty thick and tight to hold down the big girls so it’s even harder.

    6. Nessun*

      I have no hope to offer, just came to say MY GOD YOU’RE SO RIGHT. Over the head sports bras are everywhere and I loathe them!!!

    7. LCL*

      I think title 9 sells what you are looking for. Their website and catalog heavily plays up the variety of sports bras available. They only sell small sizes, though, so if you need above a 42 you are SOL.

      1. Searching*

        I second the vote for Title Nine. I love their Trade-Up Sports Bra exactly because it’s a racer back that I don’t have to pull it over my head, but bra fit is such an individualized thing so YMMV.

    8. Thursday Next*

      I only use sports bras that hook in the back. I get the double layer ones that offer extra support with the second layer that you hook to the shoulder straps at different heights. Try looking up the Glamorise brand.

      1. Alex*

        Seconding Glamorise sports bras. They are THE BEST if you have a big rack (which I do). And they hook in the back, but they are still wireless (at least mine are).

        Before I discovered Glamorise, I was into shock absorber bras, which tend to have more of a traditional racerback while still being hook-in-the-back wireless bras. Also very good (but Glamorise is a bit more supportive if that is what you need).

    9. Parenthetically*

      YES ARGH ARGH

      I have found some sports bra styles that clip in the back or front like a normal bra, but yes, good god, why would I want to wrestle myself out of a sweat-soaked, super-tight sports bra after a workout!?

    10. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Maybe it’s because you can’t really do hooks with an X-back? And an X-back is better for keeping things on your shoulders when you’re active.

    11. NB*

      IKR?!? I gave up on pull-over sports bras a long time ago. Now I wear one that zips in front. I can’t remember who made it though. But keep looking and you’ll find one.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      This is giving me bad memories…I pitched my sports bras when I had a frozen shoulder & torn rotator cuff because I couldn’t even get into a REGULAR one without help.

    14. Breast Solidarity*

      Due to a helpful comment by a reader here last week who suggested sports bras after breast surgery, and given my post-biopsy, post-port chest tenderness and inability to pull tight sports bras over my head (add in chronic shoulder injury) I did a little research and ordered two zip-front bras from Shefit. They just arrived today. Not cheap by any means, but I am sitting here wearing one now and it seems like it is going to be perfect.

      1. acmx*

        I just read about these in Runners World today and was going to suggest them!

        Also, Champion has a zip front bra but IDK how large they go, not needing that requirement.

    15. KK*

      I really like the Brooks Fiona bra, which has very good support and compression and hooks in back like a normal bra.

    16. londonedit*

      Really late, but I wear Shock Absorber Ultimate Run sports bras and they’re amazing. They have a normal back-fastening hook thing like an ordinary bra, so I do the fasten-at-the-front-and-twizzle-round thing (as I do with my normal bras), then a racer back that does up with a clasp. So after the twizzle, I put my arms through the straps, get the bra in place, then reach over my head to fasten the racer-back clasp between my shoulder blades. It’s really easy! They’re also excellent bras – practically zero movement.

  46. PhyllisB*

    Y’all, my brother and I had to have THE TALK with my 89 year old mother this week. She had an auto accident. She’s not really hurt, just banged up a bit, but this her fifth one in like two years. She was driving and realized her side mirror was out-of-whack so she was trying to adjust it and cleared a ditch and ended up in the woods. She figured she could keep driving to get to a service road, and just tore her car up in the attempt. I was 60 miles away when I was notified, so had to ask my husband to go get her. When I got back and went to see her she mentioned that maybe she should quit driving, and I agreed. I was dreading having to bring this up but she made it easier. Then when she told her friends they all told her that was no reason to quit, these things happen, ect. So I got my brother on the phone and told him what happened. He called her and pretty much laid the law down to her. I knew she would be more likely to listen to him than me and I was right. The “good” thing is, I’m sure the insurance company is going to total her car so that will make it easier. My oldest daughter thinks we’re being too harsh, that we should allow her to drive just in her little community, and if she would do that, great. However, I know my mother. It wouldn’t be a week that she would “need” to run to town for something and who knows what would happen. I reminded Daughter that the next time she had something happen she could be seriously injured (or killed) or hurt or kill someone else.
    Her church runs a bus so she can ride to church with them, and her other big activity is she belongs to a card group, but I know her friends will pick her up for that. That leaves me to do things like take her to the beauty shop, doctor, ect. She was upset thinking how this will “put me out” (she lives 30 minutes away) and I still work, but my schedule is very flexible and as long as I have enough notice to plan it’s not a problem. Besides, I told her I DON’T MIND and I would rather do that than worry about her safety. It’s so hard when the child ends up having to be the parent.

    1. Anono-me*

      One thing that might be helpful is some occupational therapy centers and some driving schools offer driving evaluations.
      It might make it easier on everyone and on your and your brother’s relationship with her if there is non-subjective evidence from a third party saying that she should not drive.

      Another thing to point out is that five accidents in two years, especially totalling out a car, probably means her insurance fees are going to go through the roof. It might be easier on her ego, if part of the reason she chooses to give up driving is to be financially prudent.

      1. Triplestep*

        What kind of evaluation is needed for someone who has five accidents in two years? Isn’t that evaluation enough?

        1. Anono-me*

          To clarify, I’m not disagreeing with the conclusion already reached by PhillisB and her brother, I am suggesting that empirical evidence from an outsider might make an emotionally fraught situation easier.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Anono-me, that’s good advice, but we don’t have those resources here. The AARP offers a one day driving school occasionally but that’s it.
        Surprisingly, her insurance hasn’t really gone up. I can only surmise that it’s because she’s been with her company for maybe 50 years and perfect driving record up until now. The other accidents were things like hitting poles and such so not much in the way of damages. The only other serious accident and the only one involving a driver that was her fault was on the interstate. She was in the left lane and needed to change lanes and said driver motioned her to come in and then sped up and hit her. The other one involving a driver wasn’t her fault. The other driver admitted it and the police agreed. My brother wanted to take her keys right then (this was nearly two years ago) but I convinced him to reconsider because that one was not her fault.
        But I have ridden with her and she scares me to death. She drives with both feet (automatic, not stick) and she doesn’t always pay attention to what’s going on around her. Once we were approaching an intersection and she spotted an unusual car off to the right and she was looking at and commenting on it, and almost plowed into the car in front of her. I had to scream “MOTHER!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!” before she slammed on the brakes. And she’s told me of other “close calls” she’s had. If it had just been this one incident I would not be so concerned. I hate it because she lives out in the country and there is no public transportation here. Plus no taxi service.
        I did remind her she would be saving a lot of money on gas and insurance, and that she would have pay-off to put back in savings. She agreed and said that made her feel somewhat better.

    2. Dan*

      I have a background in data analytics and to some extent probability. What I can say is that as humans, we’re very good at assessing relative risk, but not absolute risk. It’s easy for us to say “A is safer than B” but can we judge empirically that “A” is “safe”?

      I also have a mother who is pretty close to the point where she probably shouldn’t be driving, and she’s not even 70 yet. (Close but not quite.) Dad says she gets disoriented easily, and even in neighborhoods where she’s familiar, these days she often gets confused and needs the GPS to get home. (They’ve been living in the same house for like 15 years.)

      I was talking to my shrink about this a month ago, and I told her that politically, we’ve decided as a society that it takes A Bad Accident to get old people off the road, as for whatever reason we want unambiguous evidence that someone is unfit to drive. What cracks me up is that I have a background in aviation, and we put a lot of resources into ensuring that fatal air accidents Never Happen Again. We make pilots retire at 65 and air traffic controllers retire at 57, because we *don’t* want incidents, accidents, or loss of life to occur due to cognitive decline. Yet we’re all for letting old people drive until they get into a bad accident.

      One may reasonably ask if the retirement ages for pilots and controllers are set correctly. This goes back to my assertion that we’re good at assessing relative risk but not absolute risk. Because no, I don’t know that these retirement ages are set correctly, and there’s also no way to prove it either. These lines are set by political pressures, no more, no less. Strangely, both pilots and controllers are required to get FAA mandated physicals every year, but cognitive ability tests are not part of the battery. So for some reason we’ve decided that age is a defensible criteria.

      1. Overeducated*

        I think because cars are so integral to most Americans’ daily life, the level of risk we tolerate is higher than for a lot of other forms of transportation, for a number of reasons (rational ones having to do with tradeoffs, and unconscious ones having to do with perception). I say this as a bike commuter who often gets asked “aren’t you worried? Several cyclists have been killed downtown this year!” It’s true, and awful, but no one seems to remember off the top of their heads how many car-related deaths have occurred on the surrounding commuter roads this year (seems like there are fatal accidents almost weekly).

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Also, a pilot screw up is going to kill waaay more people than a car driver screw up.

    3. Venus*

      I had this experience recently, where a friend’s parent was in an accident where the car was totalled and it was a relief due to their driving record. I was ‘excited for them’ (mostly to help the friend) and talked about how much money they would save as they could still take a taxi weekly to the shops (groceries) and it would be cheaper than gas and insurance. Obviously this varies depending upon where you live, and this parent is fit enough to cycle or walk to the corner store, but in the end they were in agreement that it was time to stop driving.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Some states require more frequent testing for older drivers. Maybe all of them should.
        I was at the aftermath of a near-fatal accident. An older, disabled car driver turned in front of a motorcyclist and caused a head-on collision. The motorcyclist was life-flighted to a hospital and barely survived. His prognosis is unknown. The car driver’s insurance had lapsed months ago and his car was totalled. Maybe that’s the end of his driving, maybe not.
        Please be safe out there, my friends.

      2. I'm a Little Teapot*

        Agreed. Starting at 50. Every 5 years until 65, then every year thereafter. (My dad should not be driving, and luckily doesn’t much, my mom should not drive in low light or after dark, knows it and tries to avoid it)

        1. Triplestep*

          I have a friend who is a hospital physical therapist, and she says her department will do driving evaluations for people in the community (not just patients.) There is a long waiting list, however.

          Also, AAA has a class called “55 Alive” which is a driving skills brush-up class for anyone over 55. ‘Course it is not required, but it’s there if people want to avail themselves of it.

      3. fhqwhgads*

        I’ve long thought drivers licenses in general should need to be renewed with a re-test every 10 years, not just past any particular age, for everyone. I doubt there’d ever be the political will to do that in the US, but a gal can dream.

    5. nonegiven*

      We live in a small town in an area without ride sharing or much of anything. An agency called Community Action Development Corporation started a public transportation thing with small buses and vans, some accessible. They take people to places, including out of town doctor visits. They have regular routes or you call and they come and take you. Someone told me it cost her 75¢ to get a ride.

      You might look into if there is something similar available.

    6. Triplestep*

      Whenever I read about an older person who mistook the gas and break or did some other thing to cause an accident, I wonder “is that the first indication her family had that she shouldn’t have been driving?” Literally, every time. I am constantly on the look-out for clues my 87 year-old mother is not fit to drive, but so far she really hasn’t given me any. Her car has some bumps and bruises from when she got too close to parking lot poles, but she is extremely careful, doesn’t drive in snow or rain, rarely drives at night, and if she has somewhere important to be on a schedule and she’s never driven there before, she does a “dry run” earlier in the week.

      All this and I am STILL wringing my hands over her driving because there is always a first time. My mother is very active; she is a Gay Rights activist and has meetings to attend every week. As you might imagine, this puts her in the company of many younger people who would love to give her rides. She does not want to put them out. *sigh.*

      All of this is to say that in my opinion, you are absolutely doing the right thing by not allowing your mother to drive; your daughter is projecting how she would feel if she were your mom. Statistically, most accidents happen close to home as people let down their guard when they are more comfortable with their surroundings. So while it’s sweet that your daughter feels empathy, it’s not the correct direction to take.

      I love my mother and I do not want her to die in a car accident, but I am much more worried about her killing or injuring another person. Last winter, she had a dizzy spell and felt weak for several days during which I asked her not to drive. She protested at first and I got tough with her saying “Mom, what if you feel faint when you’re behind the wheel? You could hurt or kill someone! With all you’ve done for Gay Rights in the community, do you want your legacy to be ‘killed someone; shouldn’t have been driving’?” (Yes I went there. Not sorry. It worked. Feel free to tweak it to fit your own mom!)

      During this time, my sister enrolled my mother in GoGo Grandma, which is a ride service for older people. It is actually a layer between seniors and Uber and Lyft. It allows them to use their home phone or cell phone with voice to get a ride. They get three choices: 1. pick up from home, 2. pick up from the last place we left you, 3. other (and then a person will talk to them.) Uber and Lyft drivers know about the service and can accept or decline. It makes the ride service more expensive, but I know some people use it as a way to ease their older family members into regular ride service. You can do a ‘net search and find out more. It’s pretty straightforward. Oh, but you should know that the GoGo Grandma website says tipping is optional, and there’s no way to tip through the app like with Lyft or Uber. So I had to tell my mom it is NOT optional and bring cash.

      Good luck!

      1. Auntie Social*

        She doesn’t care for Uber, or Uber Black?? I’m 65 and use it to get to the baseball park. Even with a handicap placard the parking is wild.

        1. Triplestep*

          She’s quite technically proficient with the computer, has never really taken to typing on her cell phone.

    7. zyx*

      I’m not a huge fan of Uber/Lyft, but this is a situation where I think they could be incredibly useful if they’re available in her town. If your mother has a hard time learning to request a ride (or doesn’t have a smartphone), you can order rides for her from your own account.

  47. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

    I am so frustrated with our local postal service. Three times this year, letters/bill payments I mailed out never arrived at their destination. I think I’m going to have to overcome my Luddite preferences and start paying things electronically when I can.

    1. Rebecca*

      Whenever I see posts like this, I wonder if your local carrier has bins and bins of mail piled in his or her garage, or buried in the back yard, because unfortunately, this stuff happens. Worse than bills not getting there is things like tax returns, letters to someone apologizing and maybe trying to reconcile a relationship, a greeting card that never reached the destination, and then someone feels like the other person just didn’t care, etc. I mean, once in a while, that’s one thing, but you’ve had 3 missing so far this year. Time to contact the postmaster.

    2. nonegiven*

      How did you send it, from your mailbox or did you take them to the post office?

      You might look into your bank’s bill pay service. Some of my bills, they actually make out a check and mail it, but i think they mail all the bill pays going to that business on that day all together, you just have to allow lead time for them to mail the check. A lot of them will be paid electronically, my insurance, gas service, and cell phone are all electronic, the payments clear the day I choose. My bank charges nothing to pay my bills and I don’t have to buy more checks or stamps. I can set up recurring or go to the website every month and set up the day and amount I want paid.

      One time, one of the checks didn’t get there, I called the bank and they told me that none of the payments for that day for that business made it and they stopped payment on the check, no charge. The CEO for the business apparently set his payment up for the same day from the same bank so his was missing, too. The very next month, that payment went to electronic, also.

      I think most often when mail goes missing, it’s on the delivery end of the trip.

      1. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

        In looking things over, it now looks like five things have gone missing, and it’s a mix of it leaving from my mailbox and from a small post office that’s part of a local business (I think – can’t quite remember which post office I used). As far as I can tell, there haven’t been any problems with stuff getting to us, though there’s an overdue check I’m expecting from a client (I’m a freelancer who works from home), but they may not have sent it yet (I’m waiting for a reply from my contact with this client, who’s been on vacation).

        I highly doubt I’ll get much response from the post office but it’s very annoying as I have to pay a fee for every check I have to put a stop payment on. The good news is that I can make all my payments online except for the water company, and their headquarters is three blocks from my house so I can just stroll over there and pay it. I just dislike paying online; I know mail and checks are old-fashioned but I have A System That Works For Me, and having to change it because of others’ incompetence is a pain in the wazoo.

        1. Observer*

          One thing that might be useful is to look at your bank’s services. I pay almost everything on-line, but I don’t do it from the Vendor’s sites. I don’t know what they look like now, but in the past, you either had to jump through all sorts of hoops or they charged extra for the privilege of paying electronically. So, instead, from my bank portal, I set up payments to go the appropriate vendors. It’s like writing checks, without the checks. The companies that have agreements with the bank get electronic payments – but I don’t get charged. And the ones that don’t have an agreement get a paper check. But those are not likely to go missing, and if they do THE BANK is following up, because they are not sending onsies and twosies. Also, I have evidence that I issued a check if a problem comes up.

          That might suit your workflow better.

    3. KayEss*

      Oooh, I had this problem a year or so ago, but only with my rent checks to my landlord… three times in a six-month period I had to write her a new check and hand-deliver it to her house because blah blah blah, she never got the one I sent on the first of the month and now it was the fourteenth and she wouldn’t be able to pay her own mortgage, sob sob sob, etc. (I was pretty ticked because there was a distinct aura of “this is somehow now your emergency” from her, like there was nothing at all she could have done to prevent things from becoming so dire, plus the implication that maybe I had never sent the check in the first place.) At least the lost checks were never cashed. I even tried having the bank cut the check from my account and mail it to her… nope, that one got lost, too, and then I had to call the bank and go through their whole phone tree to have it cancelled. Fortunately after that, she opted to start using the electronic payment service recommended by her bank, instead.

      I’m sometimes grumpy about our mail carriers because they have a tendency to cram packages that are really too large into our tiny mailbox and bend/damage the contents, but at least I’ve only ever lost one piece of incoming mail. (Whoever has that box of cubicle wall hangers, I hope you enjoy them.)

      1. KayEss*

        And actually, I think the missing cubicle wall hangers box was UPS, who are a whole other thing. Remarkably shitty in my area, despite us being within spitting distance of one of their distribution hubs.

  48. ThatGirl*

    I’m mildly annoyed at circumstances today. Friend of mine who lives 90 minutes away is having her baby christened tomorrow and invited a bunch of us for the service and brunch. I’d mixed up the dates and thought it was today, early enough that I didn’t want to get up and go, so I went on planning a few other things.

    Then I found out it’s tomorrow so I could go up tonight and stay over. Sounds good. Except I also scheduled a trial Blue Apron delivery. So I cannot leave until that’s safely in the fridge and it could come any minute, or maybe not till 7 pm. No way to know. Blergh.

    1. Lilith*

      Ok dumb question but aren’t those shipped with blue ice to be able to sit on a porch for a few hours?

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yes, but once I leave I’m gone till tomorrow, and it’s 90 here. No way would that be safe for 24 hours.

        The good news is apparently my whining sent some energy into the universe and my box has arrived.

  49. SophieChotek*

    FYI, if of interest. The Mueller report was free to download on Amazon Kindle, at least as of this morning.

  50. Going Anon and On*

    I’m going through something I’ve never quite experienced before. While I’m not a direct victim of the situation, I just found out someone I considered a friend (I know him from work but this is not a work question) is completely different from the person I thought he was. I found this out 2 weeks ago and while I believe it, I still don’t believe it!

    Basically, I’ve worked with Pete for 1.5 years up until last week, when he left for another job. We slowly became good friends in the company, being each other’s confidante about our experience in the office. He was someone I felt like I could trust, and say what I was really feeling. He was very supportive to me, saying that he thought I was one of the best employees on the team, and that I deserved more than I was getting from the company, and so forth. He generally has a gentle demeanor, and always came off as a very family-oriented, religious person. (We come from similar religious/cultural backgrounds.) It always seemed to me that he would spend his weekends with his family, babysitting his nephews, etc.

    About a year ago, a girl named Sara joined the company. She confessed to me a few weeks ago that her and Pete had been hooking up. However, she was initially under the impression that they were dating, until it became clear he was just using her for sex and she broke things off. I was floored. This is not the pious religious guy I knew! It became apparent from her account of him that he viewed women outside of his religion as sex objects, while he seriously dated women in his own faith. (I know guys like this from my own community, it’s such a cliche.) But…how messed up is this?! Now I’m questioning everything this guy ever told me about himself, and don’t think I can continue communicating with him. I have definitely been used for sex before, so this is like seeing the situation from another angle. It’s so weird. Has anyone had to completely change their views of someone overnight?

    1. MoreAnonForThis*

      Oh, yes, but for a different reason. My 72-year-old uncle, a generous person, former business man, no criminal record. One day he used his cane to hobble in to a grocery store that contained a bank, robbed the bank using a gun, was still outside when the police arrived, then told them he had an accomplice in the building with a bomb (not true).
      We, the extended family, just kept thinking, “He did WHAT?!!!!”
      He lived on his own, a thousand miles away from immediate family or extended family (the US is a big place.) Come to find out he was almost out of money to pay rent, was on pain medication for his leg, and had started drinking to relieve the stress of his situation. He didn’t let anyone know, probably from pride.
      He spent a couple of years in prison. Honestly, that probably saved him in spite of the stress of being there. When he was released, his children found him a wonderful assisted living facility. My mother says that he is enjoying life so much now.

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        Holy smokes that story is bananas! Good to hear your uncle’s life has adjusted to the positive.

        2. Going Anon and On*

          Also agree – that is a crazy situation and I’m glad it turned out for the better!

    2. Anonnynon*

      My brother. Still hurts. I had this particular idea of him, which in hindsight was a bit naive and stemmed from childhood and us believing ourselves to be kind of the outcasts of the family. And in one evening he blew it all apart by spouting some of the cruelest and in fact most absurd things I’d ever heard (which is saying a lot), just cause of his frustration with his own life – which I now accept is his MO. It came out of nowhere in my mind (at the time); we were so close and now he was saying terrible things about me and people in my life that he didn’t even know. I was devastated. I am less so now but I consider it a kind of grieving process.

      1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

        You’re probably right about him taking his frustrations out on you. Still unfair and hurtful.
        ((Hug if you want it))

    3. Lilith*

      Sounds like he’s not religious at all. So can you be ok with that? Also it seems he doesn’t care for women equally. How does that square with your views of him? It appears to me that I would need to re-evaluate my friendship. I sorta see him as a con artist.

      1. Going Anon and On*

        Pete is religious because he closely follows and identifies with a religion. I don’t equate “religious” with “moral/ethical” (I’m actually not religious myself, I just grew up in the community). I don’t think there is anything wrong with being religious in itself, but I feel like Pete is acting as a hypocrite within the parameters of his own belief system. For example, his religious beliefs involve abstinence before marriage, so making him a hypocrite. I don’t plan to continue the friendship with him, because he seems to hold double standards for him and the women he hooks up with, and seems to view women on a “Madonna-whore” spectrum, which is gross.

        1. Lilith*

          I don’t understand religion then–at least Pete’s version. I thought having a religion meant one had a moral code. That’s why I’m seeing him as a con artist of sorts.

          1. WellRed*

            There are religious people have no moral code. One can still worship and all that, but also do terrible things. Catholic Church scandals?

          2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

            Religion may give people a moral code; it doesn’t seem to make much difference in how well people follow their moral codes.

            There’s no way of telling from outside whether Pete believes all or most of what he said he does, but has carved out an exception something like “the rules about sex are about relationships within our religion,” or whether he believes little or none of it, but finds it convenient/comfortable to remain a member of that church.

            1. fposte*

              Right; that’s getting into the “No true Scotsman” fallacy. You can commit crimes and sins and evil and still count as a real religious person.

              1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                Indeed. You might believe in something with your whole heart but be unable to stick to all the rules or commandments, for various reasons. It is a fallacy that being religious automatically means being moral – there are countless examples of religious people acting unethically. But this fallacy is why people will invoke their regular church attendance etc as an excuse or alibi when they are caught doing bad things.

    4. FD*

      Yeah, I definitely hear you, and I’ve had this happen.

      Something I’ve personally noticed is that there tends to be an inverse relationship between how much someone talks about being a thing and how much they really are that thing.

      When something is really, truly part of your identity, you don’t have to talk about it. It’s just how you live your life. Sure, you may talk about details or struggles with other people inside that community, but once you’re really secure in something you rarely feel the need to go on about it to ‘outsiders’.

      Contrast the person who’s run a half dozen successful businesses and has been a successful entrepreneur for 20 years with the person who constantly talks about it, Instagrams the ‘entrepreneur lifestyle’, and won’t shut up about their latest venture.

      Or the person who you just notice after a while works out at the gym every single morning, vs. the person who makes a show of buying the best workout clothes, obsessing over small details in public, goes on and on over the latest workout regimen they’re trying.

      In my experience, people who truly live their religion or philosophy don’t spend a lot of time showing it off / talking about it / posting Bible verses on Facebook. They just live their beliefs out as best they can. I think this is one thing Christianity gets right when it has that verse about ‘Let not your left hand know what your right hand is doing.’

      Once I started being more aware of this phenomenon, I started watching a lot of people more critically, and found I was blindsided by people this way a bit less often.

    5. Bella*

      Yes. A colleague of mine, who I thought was nice, turned out to be a serial liar. About all kinds of stuff. While I still chat to them I am no longer interested in their stories.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am watching a story, now, of a friend who found out she was married to a stranger for 50 years.
      It happens, we get blindsided.

      Yeah. It’s pretty messed up.
      But people who are living a dual life often have that truth bubble to the surface at some point.

      I used to worry about being gullible and being blindsided. But now I also see the truth comes out. Try to keep in mind that you were not wrong for sincerely befriending him. Some people take our sincerity and burn it. That is their choice and has nothing to do with us. Keep on being a sincere, quality person and try not to let others dual thinking/dual lives be too upsetting for you. In the end, they have to endure the consequences of their choices. You are free to move on and find other friends.

    7. Traffic_Spiral*

      Yup. Sometimes people who are nice to you aren’t nice to people of the “wrong” ethnicity, social class, sexuality, gender, religion etc. Sad but true.

  51. Shopping*

    I try not to shop often, but I’ve fluctuated in body weight recently so I needed new work clothes. The last time I shopped for work clothes was at least 5 years ago. I just spent $450 on 17 pieces from Banana and Gap and I feel so guilty spending that much at one time!! But I truly needed more cardigans and pants. Shopping guilt sucks, but I’m also happy that I got everything on sale. It’s also like a small high. How much do you guys normally spend on clothes?

    1. Washed Out Data Analyst*

      I’m in the same boat. I just recently purchased an interview suit from Banana Republic for almost $300. I’ve never owned an interview suit before, so it was justified in making this purchase, but I flinched when I handed over my credit card. I’m a habitual thrift shopper when it comes to clothes. Even then, I barely go clothes shopping – maybe once a year at most. I’m fine wearing the same pieces over and over again.

    2. WellRed*

      Two years ago I realized I hated all my summer clothrs (had also gained some weight) so went and soent anout $300. No regrets.

    3. Madge*

      Yay you! Ignore the total. You paid an average of $26.50 per piece and the items are probably pretty decent quality and fairly classic. You’re going to get a ton of wear out of them. Considering reasonable wearing patterns and accounting for seasons you could easily get down to $1 cost per wear. Well done!

      1. Observer*

        Exactly this. You got decent stuff at reasonable prices, and that’s a GOOD thing.

    4. MissDisplaced*

      $450 for 17 pieces is really good! Especially if they’re quality basics you’ll wear again and again. And if you really haven’t bought work clothes in five years, that seems very reasonable to me. Less than $100 per year.

    5. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I’m pretty much in the same boat (minus about 20-25 pounds in two years and most of my clothes are too big).
      My latest shopping spree six weeks ago was about €200 total: €140 for an outfit for my cousin’s wedding, reusable and very good quality, plus new belts (my last one was a goner), and repairing my wristwatch.
      I’m tired of owning things that I don’t feel 1. comfortable and 2. beautiful in. Sometime this summer I’m gonna go through my closet and be ruthless, and then aim for only pieces that fill both requirements above.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      Your price per piece is well in line, if not better, than my last retail shopping trip when I had to do (weight loss) a whole summer wardrobe.

      And – you did not have to waste hours, if not days, hunting down “bargains.” Your time – and the stress of being in a store like TJ Maxx for hours (dressing room, hunting for stuff, lines at the register, traffic)… also offsets a lot of the prices too. So “maybe” you could have gotten a pair of pants for $25 instead of an average of $26.50, but you would have spent an extra hour to get them.

      You got a good deal. And the colors will all coordinate.

    7. Observer*

      There is no moral imperative to spend money in dribs and drabs. Sometimes it’s necessary to do so for practical reasons, but if you don’t need to do that, spending a somewhat significant amount at once can actually be a very smart move. You spend a lot less time that way, generally, you have a much better handle on how much your clothes cost, you often wind up spending less on ancillary costs (generally shipping or travel) and you often wind up with a better match.

      If you’ve avoided shopping for 5 years, you’re doing far, far better than most people. And you’ve gotten stuff that should wear well at a reasonable cost. You have zero to feel guilty about.

    8. Windchime*

      I went out a month or so ago and spent about $500 on some summer clothes. I hadn’t shopped for clothes (other than the random tshirt) for 3 years. I came home with several pairs of capris in assorted colors, 4 or 5 tops, and 4 lightweight sweaters. It has made such a difference in how I feel! I now feel like I have choices when I get dressed in the morning and I should have gone shopping a lot earlier.

  52. mka*

    A close friend I have been friends with for over a decade is getting married soon. Over the last few years she has stopped hanging out with friends as often and mostly only stays at home with her fiancé. I received her wedding invite and saw that she did not invite my boyfriend of a year. She later told me she only was inviting couples who were living together, married, or engaged.

    I am debating if I should even go to the wedding now. I will only know one couple aside from the bride and groom now and the wedding is in an expensive location that I would have to travel alone to. I won’t even be able to make a weekend of it or have anyone to spend time with.

    I would feel bad if I didn’t go because we have been friends so long and we used to do everything together. If I didn’t go I feel like this friendship would for sure be over after the wedding. It just seems like she doesn’t keep in touch much anymore and that she didn’t care about me enough to offer me a plus one. She hasn’t made any real effort to spend time with my boyfriend since I’ve been with him and never asks about anything going on in my life.

    1. merp*

      I’m not remotely an expert but I think the travel part is the kicker. Kinder to give traveling folks a plus one (or invite for an SO, of course) simply for that reason. No need to feel bad! Easier said than done, I know, but being unavailable for an expensive trip shouldn’t be the end of a friendship unless other things are going on, like the ones you’ve mentioned about not connecting with you.

      1. valentine*

        I wouldn’t go and I’d be done with the friendship because I hate rules like that and it could be leading to “I can only hang out with people on this list/married people because I’m afraid my spouse will cheat.”

        1. AcademiaNut*

          I think that it’s most often a way to cut costs, and in its more extreme version, a way to express disapproval of couples who are living together without being married.

          I don’t think that everyone is owed the right to bring a random person to weddings (aka the automatic +1), but if you’re in a public relationship when the invitations goes out, your SO should be invited.

          In the OP’s case, I’d RSVP no, and only if the friend asked, would I say that I couldn’t justify spending that much time and money on a vacation without my boyfriend. Honestly, if someone is having an expensive destination wedding, they need to be prepared to graciously accept that not everyone will be willing or able to come.

          1. Observer*

            I think that it’s most often a way to cut costs, and in its more extreme version, a way to express disapproval of couples who are living together without being married.

            Cutting costs almost certainly, expressing disapproval, almost certainly not. Note that Friend says that she IS inviting couples who live together. So that’s obviously not her issue.

            That still doesn’t mean that mka “has” to go or anything like that. Just, don’t go because you don’t want to and you don’t want spend that kind of time and money on the wedding without being able to also spend time with your boyfriend.

    2. Dan*

      If your friendship is over if you don’t go to the wedding, it’s over anyway.

      The bride and groom need to manage the guest list somehow, and no matter what one does, someone will not like the “rules”/want an exception, etc. That and destination weddings are often a way to maintain the peace by not excluding people from the invite list, and at the same time discouraging people from coming.

      Serious not snarky question: Would you have preferred to get no invite at all?

      My personal opinion: Don’t take the lack of a +1 personally. Life’s too short for that. But it also sounds like this friendship has run its course, so don’t bend over backwards to go to a wedding that is expensive/a hassle/something you aren’t terribly excited about. I actually think you can not go and still keep the peace. Send your friend a card and a gift and tell her you’d like to get together when things settle down.

      1. WellRed*

        “Don’t take the lack of a +1 personally.”
        So true and yet people do! Don’t go to the wedding. The expensive travel is reason enough.

    3. sum of two normal distributions*

      If there is a pattern of you caring more about her life than her about yours then I would say this relationship needs to be reevaluated, maybe after this event period in her life. That is the bigger issue of your post, not the wedding situation. Both of these aren’t reasons a friendship should end, IMO (not going to someone’s wedding when they have a valid reason or not getting a +1 since weddings are expensive or they just want a core group of people they know & the SO’s they can’t reasonably ignore).

      RSVP ‘no’ and send a congratulations gift/card; you have identified you wouldn’t have a great time going and the cost would be too much.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed.
        She is already fading out of your life from what you say here.
        I don’t think going to the wedding will salvage that much if that is what you hope to do.

        The lack of a plus one would cure me on going, honestly. Since I have been on my own here I am surprised by how many invites I get where I am encouraged to bring someone/anyone- friend/SO/whatever. I never realized that people recognize the importance to the invitee to be able to bring someone with them.
        I doubt she will be shocked if you don’t go.

    4. Triplestep*

      My opinion is that we attend lifecycle events to honor and celebrate the people at the center of them. (Weddings, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, milestone anniversaries, etc.) Attending these kinds of events with a date is a relatively new thing; 20 years ago it was not the expectation.

      While there may be other reasons for you not to attend, one of them should not be “I will only know one couple there”. If you are going for the (IMO) right reason – to honor the relationship and celebrate this happy event in your friend’s life – bringing your own person to talk to seems kind of silly, doesn’t it? And that’s what you’d be doing since your BF doesn’t know them and *he* is not honoring any relationship. Barring any social anxiety, you can be around people you’ve never met who are all there for the same reason and have fun celebrating with them.

      If you just don’t want to go and/or spend the money, there are probably valid reasons. But don’t decide based on not getting to bring a date, not even in your internal dialog. When you think about why we celebrate, it’s just not a good reason.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Eh, I think society is changing in this regard.
        Many people do not want to be alone in a sea of strangers. It’s not fun. And collectively we as a society seem to be beginning to understand that.
        While I do understand your point that it’s about the ceremony, I tend to think that we are kind of drifting away from that perspective. We are shifting to a perspective that we share the moment with someone we know.

        1. Triplestep*

          If someone comes to the conclusion that the only reason they are going to a wedding is to be entertained – and the only way to insure they’ll actually be entertained is to bring their own entertainment – they probably should not go.

          “Alone in a sea of strangers” is how you describe a boring work conference when no one else from your office is attending. If you’re with a roomful of people who – like you – love the bride and/or groom and have a history with them, you are not in a desperate situation that could be described as “alone in a sea of strangers.” But if this is the way we are shifting, it certainly explains the other new norm: hosting weddings you can’t afford expecting the gifts to total the price per person and then some. Not every shift is an improvement.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            It seems pretty apt to me though. I once went to a wedding out of town where I only knew the bride and groom and one other person who was also in the wedding party. Despite my efforts to try and chat to other guests I was either flat out ignored or would manage to exchange a few words then nothing further. I even overhead some of the other guests making fun of my dress! I was very glad that my husband was with me. It was literally a sea of strangers, and weirdly unfriendly ones at that.

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        I am with Triple and Dan.
        Don’t end the friendship over the lack of a +1; just judge your going to this wedding on how “you” feel about it.
        The travel cost is enough reason to not go – send a gift and card, and offer to set a specific invite time for the get together after the honey moon.
        On the other hand, I have traveled alone to many events – weddings, funerals, and graduations – because travel funds were tight. It was important to me to honor the friend or family member. Not that sig other wasn’t welcome, but I was able to enjoy myself (even though at the one graduation, I knew only one other friend’s family member).

        One option might be – to make a weekend of it, boyfriend doesn’t go to the actual event, you do, but the rest of the weekend you hang out together in the destination place. Kind of like I used to do for work conferences.

        Last point – I have a friend now, from years ago, where we dropped away from closeness but kept in touch for 30 years… now we are much better friends than any time since then. Our 15 years of long-ago shared history because more important as we became older. I didn’t keep close touch in our early adulthood (she had kids, I did not) but now we have more in common again, and the same things that made us friends in junior high,high school, and college…. are still underneath and both of us have grown personally.

        Doesn’t always happen that way – but depending upon what your friendship was built on (personal growth, thoughtfulness, integrity) – you may want to preserve it at least lightly while you see how things turn out.

    5. Not Alison*

      You say you will feel bad if you don’t go because you and she used to spend alot of time together. But here’s the thing: you won’t be spending much time with her at the wedding because she has to get around to ALL of the guests and socialize with them.
      I feel your pain. I was invited to a wedding of a good friend without a +1 – and was seated at a table where everyone knew each other and I didn’t know any of them. And was assigned a seat next to an empty seat. So I got to listen to their conversation with each other while noone bothered to talk to me at all (and the fellow sitting next to me wanted nothing to do with me because his girlfriend shot him a dirty look every time I said anything to him). Talk about a waste of time. Luckily the wedding was in my hometown so the cost of flying in for the wedding was at least offset by being able to stay with my parents and visit with them.
      I’m all for just sending a card and letting them know you are looking forward to all four of you getting together to celebrate after the wedding – and if they actually make the time to do it, you can give them a gift then.

    6. Clisby*

      This sounds completely normal to me, but my experience easily could be different from the experiences of others. I’ve never minded attending social events alone, so maybe that’s it. (I mean, why in the world would your boyfriend even want to attend this wedding?)

    7. Agnodike*

      Only inviting couples who are married (common-law or legally) or engaged to be married and not giving guests plus-one invitations otherwise is so common that I would think nothing of it. You have to pick a cutoff somewhere and that’s just a line that makes a lot of sense for most people. I understand why it would feel frustrating in the context of your sense that she’s not investing in the relationship, but in itself it’s a well-accepted practice.

      It sounds like you don’t really want to go to the wedding – so don’t! If your friendship is over because you didn’t attend one event, then you’re not really close friends.

    8. KayEss*

      I kind of hate to say this, but one year is not a very long relationship. It would be different if he was your well-established partner of 5 or 10 years, at which point the “but you don’t live together” gets a bit arbitrary. But if, as you say, she hasn’t been hanging out with you as much for the past couple years… how well does she even know him? You don’t want to be a wedding guest in a “sea of strangers”… how do you imagine she and her fiance feel about looking over the group of people ostensibly there to celebrate their wedding and not having the slightest clue who a bunch of them are?

      You can feel however you want to feel about your relationship with your friend and attend her wedding or not. Plenty of friendships fade out when one party starts a long-term committed relationship or gets married; it’s an unfortunate but normal side effect of the changes we undergo as we make significant changes in our lives. It’s okay to decide you’re just not good enough friends anymore for you to go to a destination wedding. But not inviting your boyfriend who she likely barely knows isn’t a deliberate snub.

  53. Call me St. Vincent*

    My family has the opportunity to potentially move from the East Coast to Dallas, Texas based on my husband’s job. Can any Dallas folks weigh in on living there? It looks like a great place to live, but I’ve never been to Texas! When my husband goes out to interview, I plan to go with him so we can see if it’s for us. I like that it seems to have a lot of museums, restaurants and otherwise is an affordable city to live in and about with a lot going on. I have two kids under 4 so schools are a big thing but it seems like there are good school districts. My daughter would be starting kindergarten right after we move there.

    So Dallas peeps, what should I know about possibly moving our family to your city? I would also be interested in hearing from anyone who has made a big move from the East Coast to the Southwest! Thanks guys!

    1. Occasional Baker*

      Well, not Dallas, but I moved MA to AZ, as a rising eighth grader, for parent’s work. It was definitely an adjustment to climate, and while better for my sister’s allergies ( mold and others) found out I’m allergic to cactus blossoms!!!!
      I know cost of living was drastically different then (early 90s), and that our housing definitely benefitted from that. The family eventually found a church to settle into, though even that was different, as denominationally, our faith is under represented in that area.
      I always missed the East Coast, in ways that can’t necessarily be replaced or reproduced ( seafood, I’m looking at you here). Moved back to the East Coast at 20. I do miss Mexican food, and some of the weather (Nov, not July)
      Your kids are little, so this won’t be a factor, but I really never fit in. I don’t really have an EC accent, but I spoke faster, and differently enough that it was hard, plus being the 8th grade. My younger sibling did better, but that could also be personality.
      Definitely visit, more than once. My parents went twice, then took the family twice. Speaking of family, what would travelling to your families of origin change to? Is that onerous? Check out neighborhoods, libraries, parks, pick a pretend commute and then do it during rush hour. Visit multiple grocery stores, and compare prices, to see if your weekly food budget will be affected. How do the sales tax rates compare? Electric rates? Will you use more, because it’s hotter, or colder than currently state?
      Will you be working? What is the job market for your type of work? If you aren’t now, might you be in less than 4 years? Do you have a hobby that has enthusiasts in your area, or not so much? ( I did an ethic style of dance, on the Eart Coast there were many local teachers, in AZ, I think there were about 2 or 3. Nothing in our suburb, though. )
      It can be a lot to think about, but this might be the perfect time for your kids!

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! Cost of living would be less based on where we are now. I do work full time and actually have a job I love so that would be difficult but it may not be possible for us to stay. Dallas seems to be a good job market for me with a lot of opportunity. Seafood is definitely something I would miss, especially raw sushi etc but honestly I’m more worried about the pizza! Thank you for sharing your experience. So helpful!

        1. Occasional Baker*

          Oooh, yeah pizza. Also, Chinese and authentic Italian food.
          But steaks, barbecue and TexMex should be awesome in TX!

        2. Urdnot Bakara*

          I commented more below but Dallas does have a good job market.

          I’d like to alleviate some concerns about food! Seafood is definitely not as good so far inland, but there’s lots of good freshwater fish. Ever had fried catfish? Sushi still exists. One of my favorite restaurants growing up in Dallas was a really awesome Japanese restaurant.

          Pizza also exists but I will eat pretty much any pizza you put in front of me so I don’t have good info on the quality!

          Tex-Mex in Texas is THE REAL DEAL. Also, the Chinese and Italian food are not going to be, like, NYC quality, but they’re still good! (There are Chinese and Italian people in Dallas, I promise!)

    2. Christy*

      I live near DC but go to Dallas for work a lot and I freaking love Dallas. I obviously don’t live there, but my coworkers who do live there love it. Lots of driving, of course, which might be a change.

      2. Dan*

        I live near DC as well. I’ve been to Dallas a few times for professional reasons for one reason or another, and oddly, two major employers in my niche field are based in Dallas. So it’s on my radar. The biggest downside is lack of adequate mass transportation. Other than that, as a single person with no kids, it would be very tough to say no to the right offer.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Thanks so much! Unfortunately where I live now is nonexistent in the public transportation department also so that wouldn’t be a big change for us! Glad to hear another ringing endorsement of the city!

    3. Urdnot Bakara*

      Hi, St. Vincent. I made the opposite move about 10 years ago–I’m a Dallas (area) native, and I now live in DC.

      I love Dallas and I miss it! I’ll start with cost of living (because it’s what I complain about most in DC): It is SO much cheaper to live in Dallas than it is to live on the East Coast. You get a lot more for your money there with pretty much everything. Dallas is an absolutely huge, very spread-out city, though, and public transportation sucks, so you will almost certainly need a car, which may be a big change depending on where you’re coming from.

      In terms of climate, expect it to be very different. I will say that this kind of depends where on the East Coast you’re from, because DC is a swamp so not much has changed for me, but Dallas is hot and humid. It’s humid subtropical. Summers are no joke! There’s not much of a spring/autumn, but it can get pretty cold there during the winter, and it usually snows once or twice a year. Everyone freaks out when it snows because they’re just not equipped to deal with it. Also, Dallas is at the tail end of tornado alley, so tornadoes do happen, but I think they’re not usually as destructive (is that a word?) as the ones that occur in OK, KS, etc.

      Culturally, everyone is very friendly. Southern hospitality is alive and real. People say hi to strangers they pass on the street. A friend of mine (NY native whom I met in DC and who now lives in Austin) was talking about how her neighbors helped her out when she was dealing with a recurring injury and how no one had ever helped her in such a way in NY and DC. Also, Dallas is a very diverse area, which is one of the things I like most about it.

      Politically, Dallas is a very liberal city in a very conservative state. I love Dallas, but I was always very frustrated with the state of Texas. I think that this is most important because of its relevance to your question about education. Caveat: I went to school primarily in CFB-ISD north of Dallas, which at the time was known for being one of the best school districts in the state, so I can’t speak directly to D-ISD schools. However, Rick Perry’s tenure as governor (14 years!) took its toll. His administration, and the state legislature under him, slashed education funding. I remember some of my high school teachers going to Austin to protest at the capitol. So I would strongly recommend speaking to someone who has kids in North Texas schools currently (or more recently) for a better perspective on the quality of education in the state.

      That’s my take! Please let me know if you have any other questions–happy to answer!

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        This is so incredibly helpful!!! I was looking at houses in some of the suburban towns in North Dallas where realtor.com has the great schools ratings as being high. That is a big concern although if we had to send them to private school we probably could swing it (although I am a big believer in public education so it would be disappointing). We do live in a place where we already drive quite a bit so luckily that isn’t an issue.

        I am thinking of additional questions but wanted to thank you right away for your response!

        1. Urdnot Bakara*

          If you’re looking north of Dallas, a lot of my old teachers now teach in Plano or Frisco ISDs and seem pleased with them. Carollton-Farmers Branch (where I went) also has some cool academic programs, or at least they did when I was there. I know that private and charter schools are also available, but yeah, I agree on the benefit of public schools.

          1. Call me St. Vincent*

            So the job is at UT Southwestern. From my super cursory research, Carollton and Colleyville were coming up as within 20 mins with good school districts? Would love your take on good suburbs within close commuting distance of UT Southwestern! Frisco and Plano seemed like they would be too far?

            1. acmx*

              UT Southwestern on Harry Hines? Plano isn’t much further north of Carrollton. I don’t think they’re 20 min though. Not during regular hours. If you’re missing traffic and take the highway, maybe. (I’m about 16 miles from around HH and north of Carrollton. I mostly take the surface streets and it takes me 35ish min. You can’t make the lights even at O dark 30).
              I know nothing about the school districts and I’m too new here to give much help. I think Farmers Branch might be a good area? Oh poster above suggestes that. FB is closer to your would be work.

              Random bits:
              It’s not that humid; it’s all relative (50%). If you are in the DC area then I’d say about the same (I was further south).
              Getting your driver’s license is a literal all day affair. Consider going out of the metroplex to get yours if you move here. Also, they will issue you a paper temp license so have back up picture ID if needed.
              TX has annual state inspection for your vehicle.
              Tolls are high. $40 to get your toll pass.
              There is DART (mostly I’m talking about the rail).
              Sales tax is around 7.5 – 8.5% around Carrollton/Plano/Frisco.
              Property tax varies by city not county and is pretty high. Texas has homestead. Houses are cheap.
              Electric: Texas has retail service providers (I think that’s the term): Reliant and Green Mountain (possibly NRG). You pick who you want to pay but you need to find out who maintains the lines to report an outage (New Mexico – Texas and OMP or something).
              It hails a lot. Get covered parking.
              HS football is a BIG deal. Packed stadiums and traffic jams big.
              Texans love Texas.
              Kroger is the main grocery store. There’s Trader Joe’s and Aldi, Thom Thumb.

              1. Urdnot Bakara*

                Even Texans who hate Texas (or Texas politics) love Texas. There’s a very strong sense of Texan identity.

                The toll road part is important. It feels like there are a lot more toll roads in TX than anywhere else. I think they got rid of all cashier stations so definitely get a Toll Tag (TX version of EZ Pass).

            2. Urdnot Bakara*

              I think Carrollton and Farmers Branch would be about the same in terms of commute if you took 35. Try to avoid commuting on 635–everyone hates 635. It feels like 35 is always under construction, too, but you could probably take local roads the whole way there if you were commuting from Carrollton/Farmers Branch. When I lived in Carrollton and worked near the Galleria, I took the local roads the whole way and it was pretty smooth. That said, I’m the kind of person who would rather be consistently moving on the back roads than stuck in traffic on the highway, even if it takes a little longer. (Sorry that I keep talking about this one area–it’s where I’m from so it’s what I’m most familiar with!)

              Addison is nice, too, but may be a bit more expensive, and I don’t know a lot about Addison schools. You could get to work via the Dallas North Tollway (a pretty but somewhat terrifying drive because it’s an old narrow highway that everyone drives as fast as they possibly can on) or take local roads like Inwood or Midway the whole way.

              I agree with acmx that Plano is not much of a difference from Carrollton in terms of distance because it’s more east than north of Carrollton. Now that I’m looking at the map, Frisco does seem quite a bit further north than I thought it was. I don’t know anything about the traffic on 75.

              Colleyville is a bit further out and I don’t know much about it, either! If you’re okay with that length of commute, maybe check out Coppell, as well. I think Lewisville has good schools, too, and there’s a lot to do in Lewisville, but your commute would be on a pretty annoying part of 35.

              Does anyone here know anything about Irving?

    4. ..Kat..*

      Do not buy or rent a dark colored house. Your air conditioning bill will be very high if you do. And, you definitely need airconditioning.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Everything on realtor.com looks brick…would you consider that a dark colored house? My thought would be the stone keeps things cool, but I definitely couldn’t even live in Alaska without air conditioning. I like to be cool!

        2. ..Kat..*

          Red brick, especially dark red, traps the heat of the day and makes cooling your house expensive. Usually in areas like this, some houses are made with very light grey brick or stone. Those houses are cheaper to cool. Look for houses with trees that cast significant shade on the house. Makes a huge difference.

          Another consideration is the size of the house. Don’t get more house than you need. That is just more space to expensively air condition.

          Also, you want a garage (or at a minimum a carport). You don’t want to use this precious garage for storing stuff. You want it for your car. It will keep your car from becoming incredibly hot. And, if you buy a car in Dallas, get a light colored one (white is best) with a light color interior. A sun roof is nice. Open the sun roof, blast the a/c, and the heat goes out the sun roof.

          Dallas can be a fun city, but lordy, the heat is amazing. I used to live in Austin, Texas and I do not miss the heat.

          Oh, and check out fire ants. Do not stand or sit on the grass.

          1. ..Kat..*

            Oh, and get thick, light colored towels. Use one to cover your steering wheel when you park outside. The others to cover the seat where you sit. Then remove them after you get in to drive. And never, ever have seats covered in plastic – they get so hot that you can get second degree burns from them.

          2. Urdnot Bakara*

            Speaking of fire ants….. bugs are bigger in TX. They just are. You think you know what roaches are, but you don’t.

            1. acmx*

              I have not (thankfully) seen large roaches in Dallas (or Houston)! Now I am scared I will. :( I thought y’all only had the tiny ones. I am sad. (I grew up In Florida so I’m used to huge roaches).

              I have seen more variety of bugs in my place here (need to get with the office on pest control).

              1. Urdnot Bakara*

                I had never seen those tiny roaches until I moved to DC and saw them and thought… that’s it? TX has those big brown “water bug” ones that can also fly. I’m sure whatever Florida has is worse, though. I think that’s a safe thing to say about all Florida wildlife.

    5. Lobsterp0t*

      Dallas is a more liberal city in a state with successive conservative state governments that slashed education and healthcare repeatedly. So even though the schools in some areas may be comparatively better, I would be mindful of that – the teacher shortages in TX have been pretty bad.

      There’s lots to love about it. I was born in its sister city of Ft Worth and my family left when I was 9, but my dad was there again from 2012-2015 so I’ve been back since.

      The thing I hate most about it though is the damn driving. It is ALL FREEWAYS. AND THEY ARE ALWAYS UNDER CONSTRUCTION. Ugh.

      But I love the food, the skylines, the arboretum and the zoo. There is some cool shit happening in and around both cities. There are lots of options of where to live, ranging from suburb to urban. My experience of both cities is they are fairly class-stratified and racially-segregated, but when I was growing up it felt more like there were some neighbourhoods that were more of a mixture. But this is my perspective in hindsight of where I grew up. I’m sure it has changed.

      Tbh I think if you can make it fit you can make it fit – “it” being just about anywhere.

      Make sure the air conditioning works; make sure there is a pool nearby; make sure your kids stay active and most importantly wear sunblock in the summer. The heat takes some major adjusting so I would advise you to prepare for that! Oh, and thunderstorms. Make sure your roof is in good shape – the hail and storms do not fuck around.

    6. MechanicalPencil*

      I’m late, but I’m in the area.

      For school districts, DISD is uhhh more miss than hit. Richardson, Farmers Branch/Carrollton, Plano, and Frisco have much better districts. Then there’s the bevy of private schools, and then the charter schools. At this point, getting into a charter might be difficult depending on the school, but it’s certainly worth a shot.

      I’m a transplant, and I have to say there was some culture shock. Spring (March – early June-ish?) is very heavy on the thunderstorms/hail/possible tornado. Winter can be cold sometimes with ice/snow, and during that time everyone panics and cleans out the milk/bread at the grocery store for that dusting. Essentially, DFW isn’t really set up for constant winter weather infrastructure. Summer this year has been mild, if humid. But you’ve got the mosquitoes to contend with.

      In terms of food — there’s a bit of everything if you know where to look. While “fresh” fish may have to be flown into DFW airport, there’s still places with fresh saltwater fish that I trust, including sushi places. Tacos/Tex-Mex/barbecue are predominant. I feel like in most areas I can’t throw a stone without hitting some flavor of grocery store. Sam’s Clubs and Costcos are sprinkled throughout the area.

      Museums are pretty solid between Dallas and Fort Worth. The Perot is very kid-forward. The Dallas Museum of Art has a kid’s section (also free!). In Fort Worth, the History and Science museum is pretty fun. Oh, in Dallas, there’s also a decent (if small) children’s aquarium. Low cost for admission (under $5 I think), so if things go awry, it’s not as bad as if you’d paid the $25+ price to get into the Dallas World Aquarium.

      The State Fair of Texas is a Thing. It can be pretty fun to go through and see the exhibits and so on. And of course you have to eat the various new foods that debuted (the predominant amount of them fried).

      The toll pass starts at a $40 pool of money that is then deducted as you use it. Once you’re below whatever threshold, you get auto-charged for it again (or bombarded with emails). However, there’s another plan that I didn’t sign up for because it wasn’t quite right for my needs. Traffic is occasionally a bit unpredictable, but once you learn alternate routes it’s not horrible.

      The job market is pretty strong in at least most areas. I’m blanking where it might not be so great, so I’m trying to couch my thoughts there. Baylor Scott & White is the biggest healthcare provider in the North Texas area, but Presbyterian has some locations scattered throughout. UTSW has a good reputation as well. That’s where I went a couple months ago when I thought I broke my leg (didn’t, just a hell of a bruise).

  54. Arabian Queen*

    I’m a frequent reader here and very rarely comment, but I’m having a stressful time and everyone here seems so kind.

    My horse is 31 years old and has Cushing’s disease, and not the kind that makes her fat. Instead, it makes it almost impossible to keep weight on her. Animal Control often stops by our house because of well-meaning callers who don’t know the situation. Because of this (and the flies, which love her), I keep a fly sheet on as often as possible. It’s hard to find one that’s a good fit for her, though, because of how small and thin she is (she’s a pony-size Arabian). The one I bought this year started rubbing her withers down, and because of her age and the disease, whenever she has an injury, it spirals very quickly.

    I’ve been trying to treat it myself. I took her blanket off, applied a bandage and antimicrobial, but whenever I leave, she rolls the bandage right off (she also has bad arthritis and has difficulty getting back up, but that’s another story). Which, of course, makes the wound even worse. I called the emergency vet today after slathering the spot with SWAT (it keeps the flies off), and now I’m waiting for them to come by.

    I’ve been doing everything I can to keep her going, but the past couple of years have been difficult. Her weight is a constant struggle, as is her ability to remain mobile, and every time something like this happens, I’m faced with wondering whether I should let her continue.

    She’s a happy horse. She nickers at me when I bring her food, and still has a healthy appetite. Our vet just two months ago came and said she looked good for the equivalent of a 90 year old. Her disease makes her sensitive to the sun, but she’s active at night. She watches me with bright eyes and pricked ears. She was once a much sassier horse, and though age has mellowed her, she still has moments where she reminds us she’s the Queen.

    I’m not ready to let go of my babygirl, and I know this doesn’t mean it’s the end yet, but I can’t help feeling that it’s coming and the anticipation is breaking my heart bit by bit.

    I suppose I’m not really looking for advice here, just perhaps some solace in the void. Thank you.

    1. Reba*

      Hi Arabian, you’re taking great care of her. Isn’t it amazing how other animals will trust us and love us?

      Maybe you could have another convo with the vet and talk about what signs would she say to watch for to indicate moving toward palliative care or putting her down. It’s so hard, but she’s an old girl and I bet she’s had a lovely life with you.

      1. Bluebell*

        Adding my good wishes and agreement that you seem to have the right instincts. Vets can be very helpful in these hard situations. You are doing so much for her and it’s good she seems happy.

        1. Arabian Queen*

          Thanks both for your kind words! I’m planning to have that conversation once (and if) we can get out of the woods with this injury. It’s so difficult when they seem so present and aware, and you’re right that a vet can be so helpful in determining whether it’s at too much cost to their health and well being.

    2. Sled dog mama*

      I had a similar problem with my gelding’s sheet rubbing all his hair off, I finally came across a product that I think was called a horse bra (I think I ended up getting an off brand one) and it worked wonders to prevent the rubbing. It’s basically a lycra piece that fits over withers and chest and has a band that goes behind the legs (some have a piece that goes between the front legs as well). If you haven’t tried anything like that I’d highly recommend it, one caution, although my boy lived outdoors 24/7 in the summer he was in NC and had mostly shade, most of these products come in black or darker colors so may give your lady some heat issues.
      My boy is 27 and is currently “retired” to walk-trot lessons for 6 year olds.

      1. Lonely Aussie*

        You can also do something similar with two large sponges glued/sewn either side of the spine at the wither. It’ll hold the rug off the spine and prevent rubbing on the withers.

        Wishing you all the best in your care for her, old horses can be very rewarding and heart breaking at the same time.

        1. Lonely Aussie*

          The other thing is that you might not be able to bandage this area at all. Aside from getting and keeping the bandage tight enough, every time she breathes in or out she’ll be loosening it and because the wound is at the highest point, it’s getting all the downward pressure from the bandage. It’s probably really uncomfortable for her. Elasticated bandages might help (and you can sew through them to try and keep them in place), especially if you can pad the area either side of her withers so there’s no pressure on the wound.
          Maybe ask the vet about something you could put on the wound to keep the flies off but that doesn’t need covering. One of my friend’s horses cut her leg open in a place that couldn’t be bandaged and she got a green goop to go on it to promote healing and keep flies off.

          1. Arabian Queen*

            Thanks both for the advice! I had never heard of a horse bra before, but I’ll definitely be checking into it if we can get her through this.

            Lonely Aussie, you’re right about the bandaging. After meeting with the vet yesterday, we’re just going to do our best to keep it clean (made difficult again by the rolling, but it can’t be helped) and lay Swat over top of our healing ointments to keep the flies off until the area is protected again. He seems cautiously optimistic, though we’re waiting to hear back on a culture to ensure the infection isn’t dangerous.

    3. Shell*

      I’ve never had a horse and don’t know anything at all about them, but I’m really sorry for your sad situation. I hope you can be at peace with whatever decisions you make.

    4. KR*

      No advice as I’m not familiar with horses. So sorry. My 13yr old good puppo is starting to really lose his hearing and his cataracts are getting really noticable. He has Addison’s disease too so his health can be more sensitive. It’s so sad watching them decline. Could you put a home made sign up on your horses pasture that says something like “Hello my name is (horse name). I have Cushing’s disease which makes it hard to gain weight and move around. I’m also a senior! I may look too sick but I am under the great care of (vet office).” Something humorous that lets passerbys know that you’re taking care of her?

      1. Arabian Queen*

        We have considered a sign before, but have never put it into practice. It’s an excellent idea and we may do just that if we can push her through this!

        I’m so sorry about your own darling, as well. I hope that he stays in good health and good spirits for a long time coming!

    5. Jules the First*

      She sounds like a lovely happy girl. She’ll let you know when she’s ready to go. Sometimes it helps with animal control if you have an exuberantly healthy horse in the same field as the skinny arthritic one (people seem more willing to give you the benefit of the doubt if they can see an obviously healthy horse).

      The second horse can also be helpful for you – I found it so much easier to let my old gelding find peace once we’d found Lady and moved her onto the yard (though I’m now struggling emotionally with the idea of selling Lady, even though she will stay on the same yard and my coach and I are in full rational agreement that she’s come as far as she ever will and my new on-approval mare is sooooooo much better suited to me…I never said this was a perfect solution!)

      We have a number of senior citizens on our yard (the owner has a soft spot for elderly horses) and they mostly get free run of the farm – they each have their own little routines. Mav jumps fences (at 32!) if we’re not quick enough to open the gates for him to say hi to his girls in the morning; Echo loves to hang his head over the arena gates and watch the lessons; and Ed insists on standing in the arena next to the instructor…he’ll whicker and stamp when one of the ponies gets out of line almost as if he’s co-teaching the lesson.

      1. Arabian Queen*

        Reading about your cast of characters made me smile, so thank you so much for that!

        My girl actually does have a pasture mate who I think has helped lower the number of calls we’ve gotten in the past few years. Her previous pasture mate was a swayback old Quarter horse with a benign fat cyst (she passed a few years ago due to colic), and though Baretta (babygirl) was in better health herself then, it was almost daily! He, on the other hand, is a big young Quarter with no trouble keeping his weight up (though of course he acts like he’s starving at all times).

    6. LCL*

      Have some solace from me. I went through this earlier this year with my dog that had Cushings. He lived for about 18 months after diagnosis. At the end he started deteriorating really fast and when he wouldn’t eat anything or go for a walk we knew it was time. We also knew he had cancer, and when he started going downhill there was no coming back.

      I know a dog is not a horse. But I’ve had horses, my family still has a couple. For the seniors, the time was always when they lay down and can’t get up. It’s hard because they usually still have awareness and are still there. Maybe think of this as the last act of care. When the vet gently gave my dog the sedative, he sighed and was finally able to rest.

      1. Arabian Queen*

        I’m so sorry for your loss! A dog may not be a horse, but they’re no further from our hearts. Thank you for your kindness.

    7. cat socks*

      I don’t have experience with horses, but I understand what you mean about the anticipation of saying goodbye.

      I dealt with that earlier this year with my kitty. She had kidney disease and IBD and had lost a lot of weight. Making the decision to say goodbye was one of the most difficult things I had to do, but looking back I know it was the right thing.

      Her quality of life was not good and she spent most of her time hiding away in the bedroom. I knew that any other medical treatments would just be to prolong the inevitable.

      I’ll see if I can find the link, but I read an article about anticipatory grief with regard to saying goodbye to a pet.

      I’m sorry your girl is not doing well. It sounds like she’s been well cared for and loved. It’s amazing the bond you can create with an animal.

        1. Arabian Queen*

          I’m so very sorry for your loss.

          Thank you so much for this resource; sometimes it’s difficult to find people who understand the devastating loss of a pet, and I’m sure I’ll be leaning on this extensively!

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending hug. I’m sorry. While a different species, I went through similar tough decisions with my beloved dog.

      The good advice here is to be prepared, but enjoy each day you do have. I vowed not to cry in front of doggie, but to give her the love and sparkling joy she had. (I cried on my own as the signs became more obvious). The vet was very helpful. I knew what to watch for and she reassured me I was doing as much as I could, and when there was no more to do.

      1. Arabian Queen*

        Accepting hug! I am so sorry for your loss, too. I am trying to heed that advice and stay optimistic with her, though sometimes it’s harder, like now, when I can see that she hurts.

        Thank you for your kindness.

    9. TL -*

      My parents’ next door neighbor is a vet and he asked (gently) if he could let them know when it was time to put our old dog down a few days before our vet gave Mom the “it’s coming soon, look for these symptoms” speech.

      The old pup has bad arthritis. He is happy but his health is going and my parents feel a lot better knowing what symptoms to look for and that someone else will help make the call if they’re not sure. So if you haven’t asked your vet, I would do so. They’ll be relieved to have to address it head on.

      1. Arabian Queen*

        I hope to have a conversation like that with our vet if we can push her through this next obstacle. We’ve had multiple “not quite saying it” talks, but I think you and those above are right.

        Thank you. I hope that your pup stays in good health and spirits for a long time coming!

        1. fposte*

          I had a friend with a similar sign for her old horse. It did seem to diminish the animal control calls.

          It’s always a tough decision to call time on a frail elderly animal. I don’t know where you’re located, but around here that decision for horses is heavily seasonally influenced, since summer bopping around on grass in the pasture is very different from a largely turnout-free winter on hay and feedings. I’m guessing she’ll need a heavier blanket in the winter–will the rubbing be an even bigger problem? Is her weight more challenging in the winter? Those are some things I’d consider–it’s kicking the can down a season, but I think that’s okay.

          That being said, blanket rubs are unfortunately common, and if your vet thinks this one can get healed, it doesn’t sound like an inciting event on its own. I know there are some commercially available blankets with cutback withers; you might also check your local equestrian grapevine to see if there’s anybody around who’s done some tailoring of blankets, because you might be able to get yours modified. Obviously that has to be done very carefully–you don’t want to make the remaining fabric edge thicker–and also durably–it needs to withstand a horse rolling on it–so you can’t just ask a bridal seamstress, but it might give the old girl a little more wiggle room, as it were.

          1. Arabian Queen*

            We’re in the Upper Midwest, so yes, the winter is a big consideration! It is more challenging to keep weight on her then, though this past year was very successful in that regard. The only issue we had was that she slipped and fell on a patch of ice buried under the snow. After that I walked the pasture and blocked off or put bedding on those spots, and avoided further incidents, thank heavens.

            The winter blanket I have for her now fits very well, so that’s usually fine, but I may have to consider a blanket tailor or purchasing a fly sheet with a gap in it as you suggested if some other attempts don’t work out.

            I’m hopeful with this injury that if we can get it healed she can make it through at least one more winter, but it may have to be a consideration in my conversation with the vet.

            Thank you for the advice!

            1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

              est of luck with your horses! I haven’t had one in years due to lack of finances but love them and miss them terribly. You sound like an excellent owner.

    1. Jaid*

      Best: Running the dishwasher and emptying it.

      Worst: Nothing really. This week was just full of meh.

    2. merp*

      Worst: massive delays getting back from a vacation, sigh… o’hare and united can both suck rocks.
      Best: making sourdough bread today!

    3. Jules the First*

      Best: my new mare sought me out in the paddock and followed me in without a headcollar. She was so terribly shy when we brought her on the yard and it’s lovely to see her develop attachments.

      Worst: work has been crazy busy this week and is not likely to let up. I should be working today but have been putting it off, which is not good for my deadlines. I’m exhausted and I need the break.

    4. Ruffingit*

      WORST: Feeling really tired.

      BEST: Finally got my closet cleaned out and organized. I’ve been wanting to do it for awhile, but kept putting it off.

  56. KoiFeeder*

    My lovely and talented joints messed up and now I’m in braces for a month because I gave myself carpal and cubital tunnel syndrome on both arms. I’ve figured out how to type like this, but does anyone know how to drink with these braces, or am I going to have to bite the bullet and use a straw?

    1. Wishing You Well*

      You’re allowed a straw! I think paper straws are available. Maybe keep a few with you when eating out?
      Speedy healing!

    2. Booksalot*

      The amount of crap corporations dump into the oceans is exponentially massive compared to individual people using straws every now and then. It’s a typical “distract the little guy” campaign based on one poorly-conducted study. Just use the straw.

    3. Lilith*

      Our local coffee house sells metal straws. Maybe there is a shop like that in your area if you are dead set against plastic.

    4. KK*

      Buy a couple of metal and/or glass straws and keep one with you at all times. Here in the Pacific NW, most restaurants do not even offer straws unless asked, (and we are phasing out plastic single use bags) and most people are getting along fine.

  58. Sled dog mama*

    Tried to post this earlier but it seems to have gotten lost.
    Thanks to everyone who helped me reframe my mindset around spending the last week at the beach with hubby’s family. We’ve got about 18 hours left and so far this are going well, no ER visits (my 70 y/o MIL narrowly avoided one when she tried surfing but Uncle ER physician said it was not needed) these tend to happen every time we get together. Hubby’s brother only yelled at MIL once this week, practically a miracle. Unruly, unsupervised, and out of control children haven’t broken anything just locked us out of a bedroom which required two adults to get open.
    Little one has had a grand time with her cousins, four of them tried to dig to China the other day. And I got to mark off a bucket list item of taking her horse riding on the beach.
    I’m not as relaxed as I would be after an actual vacation but the perspectives provided last week really helped me relax and deal with some of the more ridiculous family moments (and see the hubby/brother fight coming and head it off before it started).
    Huge thanks!

    1. Kathenus*

      Sounds like you have a great perspective on finding ways to enjoy the trip and deal with the craziness and drama in a fun and healthy way – humor is a great thing, isn’t it. Hope the last few hours are great!

    2. ..Kat..*

      First: I am glad things are going so well.

      Second: Public Service Announcement: It is possible for a child to dig a hole deep enough that it collapses on her and kills her. This is known in the business as a trench collapse. Even if you witness a trench collapse and started digging immediately, the odds are against you having a living child. Most people who try to dig someone out of a trench collapse just become victims themselves. Soil is heavy. It does not take as much as most people think to make it impossible for a human to breathe. Sorry for the downer.

  59. Cute Li'l UFO*

    Time for a well-deserved long vacation in Tahiti. Booked at the end of May, sweet Annie the Calico ended up in the ER 3 days later, got diagnosed with kidney disease, responded well to treatment, is stable, and I helped undo a lot of damage at work from a former co-founder. I feel accomplished.

    As fun as Las Vegas and Disneyland are, it’s just not quite that restorative vacation I haven’t had in years. I’m not as worried about Annie now, as she loves her food and my mom has gotten the hang of giving Annie subcutaneous fluids by herself.

    It’s time for a vacation.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I haven’t been to Disneyland, but I’ve been to WDW and LV, and Tahiti is a completely different world. I hope you’re actually getting out to some of the smaller islands, but if not, Papeete is still gorgeous! Nuka Hiva and Hiva Oa were amazing, but it takes almost a day each way by boat. Enjoy!

      1. Cute Li'l UFO*

        Moorea is on the list for an excursion and I’m also staying on Tikehau. I’ve been to Hawaii many times but it’s time to go somewhere new and as I explained to loved ones, “passport far away.” It’s a place I’ve always wanted to go but this year realized that I could ACTUALLY make it happen. I’m happy I did and I’m really looking forward to it!

  60. Victoria, Please*

    As an Obliger (for those Rubin appreciators among us) I will say that a local strong earthquake provides some major external accountability for completing an emergency preparation project that I’ve been intending to do for more than ten years since moving to SoCal: Water, MREs, flashlights, batteries, crank radio, scanning important documents to the cloud, locating utility shutoffs, quake putty for breakables, securing a bookshelf to the wall, creating an emergency plan, and car packs.

    It’s freaking overwhelming and I’m having to remind myself on an almost hourly basis that just because I can’t prepare perfectly for an earthquake or a fire does not mean that I should not prepare at all. Thank goodness I have no children or pets at home.

    But oh. my. god. the men around me are exasperating (sorry guys reading this). My DH is amused by the scurrying about and asked me jokingly if I planned to buy a gun to protect all my emergency supplies. I find myself irrationally hoping that we do have an earthquake so I can say I-told-you-so and here’s an MRE sweetie. The dude at the military surplus store where I got backpacks for the cars was all smug and self-satisfied, *and* he tried to sell me ammunition capsules just so that he could point out that the people who usually buy them are the scummy lowlife drug dealers in the alley who are Not Like Us Good Folks. My friend tried to give me a list, “All you need to do is…”

    I need to get said MREs, another few gallons of water, and clifs bars and a couple first aid kits for the cars. Then write up all the contact information and an emergency plan and copy it and put it places. Then deal with the bookcase, which requires ensuring that it’s located where I want it and hoping there’s a stud behind it. If I still have any energy I’ll make a backpack for my office and tell my husband that if he wants one he will need to put it together himself. Then I think I’ll be done.

    Am I overdoing it here, or does this all sound reasonable, and is anyone else in SoCal doing this?

    1. Wicked Witch of the West*

      If you have breakables on those bookcase shelves, consider stuff to “sticky” them to the shelves. Museums in So-Cal use it for breakables. It is called, strangely enough, “museum wax”. My cousins would have lost thousands of dollars of Native American pottery in the Northridge quake if they hadn’t had everything stuck down.
      Also consider “child-proof” latches on cupboard doors. They would keep doors from flying open and all your dishes and glassware ending up on the floor.

    2. Madge*

      I think you should get a nerf gun or a colorful super soaker and keep it with the supplies. Then whenever someone comments on it you can say it DH’s idea.

      I don’t know if you’re overdoing. That’s the thing with these rare, catastrophic events. It’s easy to think it won’t happen to you and so you don’t need to prepare. But we buy insurance and own smoke alarms and do all sorts of other things to mitigate rare events that are more normalized. I think lots of the things on your list things make sense, it just seems like a lot all at once. And I suspect lots of people don’t do this and are left scrambling in an emergency. A lot of what you’re thinking about is what FEMA recommends for the whole country.

    3. LibbyG*

      Not in an earthquake area, but I too am unprepared for an extended winter power outage (like from an ice storm) or an evacuation. We have stuff here an there, but not in one grabbable place. Good for you for making these preparations! Such peace of mind! I’m inspired to follow your lead.

    4. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      Good for you! I’m in NorCal. I’ve been ordering stuff this week, too, to pad out my existing kit. No one has mocked me, though I’m pretty sure my (East Coast) MIL was about to say something dismissive and bit her tongue. I have a child; I get overwhelmed, too, thinking how awful I’d feel if I didn’t get some practical thing (say, a first-aid book) and ended up in a bad but avoidable situation.

    5. HannahS*

      No? Not at all? I’m sort of shocked that anyone would think you ARE overdoing it! Having some basics around is pretty standard if you live somewhere with hazards. Where I grew up, it’s ice storms, but the same principles apply. If you were saying that you’d bought weapons and like, a year’s worth of food, I’d be concerned. But 3 days worth of water and food, plus alternate power sources (in my childhood home, my parents’ chose a gas fireplace in place of electric as a potential heat source if the power goes out) makes a lot of sense. Same with documents you can easily grab, if you need to evacuate. And everyone should bolt their heavy bookcases to walls. That’s basic safety, even outside of quake-zones.

    7. Venus*

      We have a work office out on the west coast, and I noticed that each room has a plastic bin filled with food and water. I’m sure there are medical supplies somewhere in the building, and probably flashlights and other things useful in an emergency. If workplaces are thinking about such things, then I think it’s very rational for people in their homes! I could be wrong, but I think the city actually requires businesses to have emergency preparedness items.

      I have a few days of supplies – it wouldn’t last me very long, but I’m in a relatively safe area, and I have more food stored up in winter (where, as LibbyG mentions, there are sometimes power outages and it’s difficult to go out shopping)

    8. Anono-me*

      I believe the general rule is to have three days of supplies.

      May I suggest scanning all of your important documents in IDs and storing it online somewhere secure. That way if you’re away from everything you can still access it. (This is also very handy when you travel or when you forget to bring documents you need for filling out things..)

      If you have any tall gas appliances like a furnace or water heater, please consider securing them.

    9. Arrangements*

      I lived in SoCal for 5 years and really, I think 90% of people are in denial. yeah, yeah, there will be an earthquake but why prepare? If you prepare, beyond remembering to dive under a table, you’re mocked as a worrywart. I completely understand the half-desire for the Big One to hit (or maybe a Medium One) so you can show your prep was worth it!

    10. Elizabeth West*

      No, you’re not overdoing it. You don’t have to go full-on prepper, but it makes sense to be prepared for hazardous weather, fire, etc. Every area, everywhere, has potential hazards.

      I grew up in the Midwest, so we really didn’t have to worry about earthquakes (although there is a fault zone in eastern MO, and we should). I moved to Santa Cruz right after the 1989 Loma Prieta quake, so people were less inclined to joke about it. I also kept a bug-out bag after the Oakland fires because we had the same conditions in the SC Mountains.

      It helped me to have some stuff after the 2007 ice storm, and with all the international tensions lately, I’ve been putting together a kit since last year. Mostly, it’s been a matter of assembling stuff I already had. But no matter where I end up, I’ll have emergency supplies and key some of them to local hazards.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Also, one thing you might want to put in your kit are dust masks. There can be a lot of crap flying around after a major quake, when buildings and/or masonry have fallen.

    11. Bob*

      Christchurch (New Zealand) reader here. I think you’re doing totally the right thing.

      In September 2010 we had a M7.1 earthquake which was the prompt I needed for finally putting together all the stuff I *knew* I should have living in an earthquake zone (camping stove, several days’ supply of water, battery powered radio, plan of where to meet my loved ones, chocolate supplies etc. I’m not kidding bout that last one – essential for keeping up morale!). Then, in February 2011, we had a more damaging quake. In my neighbourhood this meant 10 days without electricity and 12 days without running water. And you know what? With that emergency kit I was all set. I could take care of myself and I could take care of my neighbours. It made a difficult time manageable.

      Later (smaller) aftershocks meant shorter power/water cuts but I was just able to shrug, pull out the camping stove and make myself and my neighbours a cup of tea.

      Now I’ve got my kit I just check the dates on food items and water supply once a year and swap things out as necessary. It takes 5 minutes and I normally do it on the day the clocks change for daylight savings along with checking that my smoke alarm works. I reckon 5 minutes a year is a good exchange for peace of mind.

    12. Pam*

      Not at all- this is what sensible Californians do. You may want to keep an office backpack if you haven’t already done that.

    13. Victoria, Please*

      Thank you, everyone! I feel much less ridiculous now. *Adding camp stove to the list because a cup of tea frankly sounds ~wonderful~ *Also love the nerf gun idea, the humor might save our souls

      A couple of things are stumping me:

      How do you make a reuniting plan? How do you know enough about anything following an *earthquake* to have any sensible plan besides “get home if you can and if you can’t, try to call”?

      Where do you *keep* an emergency kit (food, water, etc)? It seems like any place I put it in the house, it should also be someplace else because hey, that part of the house might be the part that collapses. But, keeping stuff all over the house is just not feasible.

      1. Venus*

        I had my power go out for an extended period of time. First, you may find that you have little power left on your phone so can’t use it much. Second, you almost guaranteed won’t be able to talk (emergencies cause everyone to flood the system) so rely on email or texts.

      2. Fran*

        Re. a reuniting plan – have an agreed out of area contact person. You may be able to call or contact them even if local networks are down, and they can pass on messages etc. Also have primary and secondary meeting places – stay at primary as long as possible if you can get there safely, but have a secondary in case you can’t get to primary or it becomes unsafe, is evacuated etc. You can get an app that stores all this info, and/or have little wallet cards made (there are templates online).

        Re. storing the kit – somewhere relatively central is best, so not in a basement or attic. A hallway closet or kitchen storage usually suffices. If you have a garage with a concrete floor, that’s often the best option. Don’t put it in a locked space and make sure if it’s on shelving that it’s braced securely.

      3. Bob*

        For a reuniting plan: Plan A for me and my partner is to head back home and meet there. Plan B is to meet at a local school which is midway between our home and our work places. Why a school? – because in NZ they’re opened up as emergency centres in the event of a major natural disaster. They’ll have supplies, company and a big field where I can sit in case I’m too scared to be indoors during aftershocks. Your Plan B could be a friend’s house or anywhere that would be relatively easy for you to get to on foot. I’d also recommend considering somewhere which spreads potential risk. For example, my home is right by the beach but in an event which triggers a tsunami I need to make sure that my Plan B location is several miles inland.

        For supplies: I keep mine in boxes under the bed in the spare room. If my entire house collapses then I’ll be heading off to stay with friends anyway. (This is, in part, why you need more supplies than just for yourself.)

        I definitely recommend the camping stove. It’s not only great for tea but also for heating water for washing, for boiling/treating dodgy water supplies and for hot food (particularly important if you have a power outage in winter). Also useful for camping trips ;)

    14. TemporaryMe*

      Not overdoing. Was in the 1989 one.
      There are also good hand-crank radios, with the weather/ news band. (These are good for camping too).

      Consider if you want to keep a charger brick (a power source) for your cell phone, or a foldable solar power charger (they had these at costco at one point for about $100, I’m sure they are less now). Since no one has a landline any more, you may find you need a way to keep in touch.

      I need to rotate my water stores, too.
      I also keep water gallon jugs in the big freezer, so that if the power goes, the “blocks of ice” help keep it cold. (at least 3 days if I leave the door shut). Worst case, I can pull one out to supplement the other water supplies.

      Small bills – if there’s no ATM and you need something?
      Make sure you do know where all the shutoff valves are. My neighbor couldn’t figure out how to turn off the gas to her house and was terrified that she’d ruptured a gas line because she could smell gas. (My house was owned by the city inspector and was completely earthquake proofed at the time – earthquake strapping for the hot water heater, shear walls, everything).

      I’m not as prepared as I should be, at the moment… considering my geographic location. I need to get a move on and fill in the gaps.

    15. ..Kat..*

      you are not overdoing it. The recommended amount of food, water, and prescription medications is considered to be 72 hours worth (hence the name 72 hour kit). Proper amount of water is 1 gallon of water per person per day. Don’t forget food and water for pets. Contact info in multiple copies in different places is smart. Securing bookcases to walls is also smart. Developing an emergency plan is good (a designated meetup place for the family is recommended – any nearby fire stations?). Don’t forget 3 days of clothing (make it practicle clothing. No one reasonable will expect you to dress business casual). Also sleeping bags. Put the kits in a place that you can probably reach if your house collapses. One good recommendation is a large outdoor trash can with wheels in your garage next to an outside entrance to your garage.

      Note, crank flashlights are available. Don’t forget a can opener. Check expiration dates on food. Rotate out food, medicine and water as things expire.

      Your are really smart. The only smart thing that I know your husband has done is marrying you.

    16. Tea and Sympathy*

      I live in Tokyo and I used to tease my ex-roommate for the ton of water, nuts and dried fruit she kept on hand in case of an earthquake. I would tell her that you would need a very specific set of unlikely circumstances to need all that. Then she moved, so in 2011 she was living closer to the site of the big earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan. She wasn’t in one of the areas hardest hit, but the train lines and roads around her were severely damaged by the quake and her town was essentially cut off for awhile. She and her coworkers went through all of her supplies while waiting for the normal supply lines to open back up again. It was a scary time for them, made easier by her being prepared. So by all means, prepare away and ignore fools like me and your husband!

    17. Anono-me*

      I can’t believe that I forgot to suggest this; when securing the bookcase to the was make sure you attach it the actual stud, not the pex waterline attached to the stud.

    18. Ranon*

      I don’t think you’re unreasonable! As someone who grew up in a rural area I keep my three days+ of food and water in the house and plenty of flashlights and battery powered lanterns even though our current place in the city is pretty darn low risk on the natural disasters front. My husband thought I was over prepared until the 30 hour power outage and the week long boil water advisory (separate incidents) – it doesn’t need to be the “big one” for those sorts of supplies to be useful, and every city’s infrastructure is going to be more stressed as climate change subjects the systems to more extremes- basic preparation is likely to be useful!

      Plus, they can double as useful general life things- our go-bag toiletry kit is also our travel toiletry kit, I keep it packed all the time and it’s so easy to just grab and go for trips. I also have first aid kits everywhere, which I’ve definitely used, and spare water and food and socks and shoes in the car, which is handy for all sorts of reasons!

    19. Windchime*

      Not overdoing it at all. I live north of Seattle, about 5 miles from the epicenter of a pretty strong (for us) quake that happened Thursday night. I woke up to feeling the bed shaking and hearing everything in the house rattling. It was kind of scary since we don’t really usually feel the small earthquakes that happen here. It made me realize that I am NOT prepared; I don’t have even one bottle of water nor do I have a camp stove. I am planning to gather up some things so that I could at least heat up a can of stew or make a cup of tea if/when the power and gas go out.

  61. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    I am having Swimming Pool Woes.

    Two years ago, I bought a house with an in-ground concrete pool. (I bought the house for the location/other house features – I hadn’t swam regularly since I was a little kid.)

    Every time I think I have the pool under control, I discover Yet One More Thing that no one told me about and that I am doing wrong. This year I learned that (a) pool water test kit chemicals have to be replaced every year even though they have no expiration dates printed on them and their directions booklet says no such thing and (b) the kind of chlorine I bought (and have a bucket and half left of) is leading to cyanuric acid build-up to the point that I now have to drain the entire pool, even though the chlorine package, of course, said it was suitable for pools and mentioned no such issue. (Also, my expired, giving-incorrect-readings “deluxe” water test kit doesn’t even mention that as a thing to be tested for.)

    I am SO FRUSTRATED. I am a directions-reader, and I read every package I buy or use in great detail, and I’m still stuck with a completely non-usable pool due to Secret Rules that the pool supply store knows but that aren’t printed on the products I use. (It’s a very large pool, hasn’t been drained completely in years, and I’m worried it may crack or have other issues while I drain it, especially since I am apparently Really Bad At Pools.) It also needs re-painting, so if I do drain it I need to find someone to get that done as well.

    Trying hard not to start googling “how to set pool on fire” instead.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        This house already also has a pond. Pond Woes is another post, and my original plan for this summer’s big yard maintenance was to pull that mess out and replace it with a patio for a barbecue. (Repainting the pool was penciled in for next year.)

        The previous owner, as near as I could tell, took a large built-in pond, filled in most of it with dirt as a “planter” (the water stays very marshy in there, of course, and pretty much all the plants have now died or been relocated because she didn’t pick marsh-appropriate plants), and put a small plastic pond with a pump but no filter in one corner of the previous built-in pond. (This “pond” is basically a scum vat full of frogs. I treat it for mosquitoes but have been otherwise ignoring it after realizing that I’d have to spend money on a filter to get it to not be a scum vat, and I already have a pool and don’t need another water feature.) Digging that mess out is sure to be a journey of discovery and heavy drinking. (I’m guessing there was some sort of problem with the original pond, such a leak or the pump(s) breaking.) Mostly, I will feel bad about destruction of frog habitat, so I was waiting for it to naturally go dry as it did last year in late July/early August when I forgot to keep filling it, but we’ve been getting more rain this summer so it’s still full of water so far.

        Am tempted to turn pool into duck pond and raise ducks. However, that would almost certainly be more work than getting the actual pool repaired. But ducks! You can get herdable runner ducks! And corgis are technically herding dogs, so possibly I could have a lifestyle where I get to watch a corgi try to herd ducks! Surely keeping two species of animals will be less work than maintaining a swimming pool, right? (No.)

        1. KoiFeeder*

          The pool my house was supposed to have got turned into a koi pond due to being Illegal™ (something about building codes? there are problems with this house, because the architect was a landscaper and not actually trained as an architect), so I know it’s /doable/… There were some alterations to create biofalls, I know that much, so if you do want to learn how to make a pool into a pond, I can go get into the mechanisms when I next clean out the pond, which’ll probably be soon?

          1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            I’m almost certainly just going to drain the pool and pay the money to have it repainted, after which I can probably keep using it as a pool for another chunk of years. I suspect it would also want draining and repainting before seeing use as a duck pond, so I doubt that’s actually a “less hassle” solution.

            I would appreciate any advice you happen to have on timing the removal of my small scum vat of a pond to make it less traumatic to the local frog population, though. They are of the kind known as “tiny, but loud” – I don’t have any more specific idea. If this isn’t something you happen to know about, don’t worry about it. I just haven’t gotten around to doing that research myself yet.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              Well, my first concern is that they’ll be considering moving into the pool, because frogs… do that. So if you don’t have a set of FrogLogs or other wildlife escape devices (one near every pool entryway/ladder/stairs, plus one near every skimmer), that’s a good place to start.

              Tiny but loud sounds like cricket or chorus frogs (I assume you’re American?). If that’s the case, I’d remove it during early fall, when the frogs are looking for a place to go to sleep. That’ll let them bed down safely without being dug up during a winter removal, but they won’t be trying to find the next nearest body of water to lay their eggs in like for a spring/summer removal.

              1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

                Yeah, I’m in the PNW.

                Maybe the timing will work out to do it while the pool is drained and being painted to make it less attractive as a target – the first place I called about a bid for re-painting hasn’t gotten back to me yet, so I suspect the overall timeline on that will be “not fast” as opposed to “hooray a client I always wanted a client I can be over in an hour” and early fall is pretty likely. (I don’t want to just re-paint myself because the old paint is flaking off and the whole thing needs sanding/scraping/IDK and I’d like to have a professional get this thing into a more maintainable state than it was in when I bought the place. I knew I’d need to get it re-painted when I bought the house, but I’d been prioritizing different projects into different years and had been planning to deal with this one next year.)

                I haven’t gotten frog rescue devices so far because I’ve only had one frog get caught in the pool in the two years I’ve lived here, so I hadn’t made it a priority since I’ve heard they also encourage frogs to get in the pool. Good point that they’re likely to head to the pool if the pond disappears and that I should keep an eye out for increased pool frog issues as they figure out where to go.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I have plenty of land to grow food on now, that didn’t get planted this year because I spent all of my sparse weekend times in the spring/early summer trying to get the pool open instead of getting tomatoes in the ground.

          I am thinking “very large patio”.

    2. WellRed*

      Hire a professional to check it out for now. In the future, hire someone to open it every year and then you do the maintaining.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Yeah, the problem is that my area has a severe under-supply of pool people, so it generally takes 6+ weeks to get someone out to your house to look at anything pool-related. I always mean to call someone to open the pool, but never remember to do so early enough to get on their calendar any time in the spring. (My busy season at work is basically February-June, so I just don’t have the bandwidth to be scheduling appointments and meeting people at the house during pool-opening season. By the time I think of it, it’s late June and they could maybe get there in August.)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Yep, that’s what I did with my lawnmower service. If I schedule it to take place early enough in the spring, they’ll come pick it up and return it for free; otherwise I have to either pay transport or take it to them and pick it up. They start taking spring appointments in the first half of November, so I have a repeating calendar appointment the second Monday in November to set it up for spring.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      My neighbors threw luggage and other large objects into their drained pool and covered it all with dirt. You’d never know there was a pool in their backyard. Buyer beware.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I know of someone who some how put boards over their pool and built a garage over it. /do not do this.

    4. Alex*

      There’s a reason there are “pool boys”.

      My parents (or rather, my dad doing the actual work and my mom just complaining to him) struggled with Pool Woes for years until they finally decided they were too old for that crap and hired a professional service.

      Pool is always sparkling clean now.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        It’s over $300/month in my area, which seems like a lot of damn money to spend on something like this. I think there’s a shortage of people who do this kind of work because it’s seasonal so it’s not something you can do as a sole job.

    5. Lora*

      Yeah, I would try to find out if you can have a professional walk you through the whole maintenance and opening/closing thing. I did that when I first got a house with a pool and it was INVALUABLE. Also I had a VHS tape (it was a while ago…) produced by some pool installation company of what all needed done and how to do it to refer back to, because of course by the time I needed to do closing I’d forgotten all the information. I know for a fee Leslie Pool will come out to your place and teach you how to do it, if they are in your area – they’re a big chain where I live.

    6. Book Lover*

      They are supposed to be emptied every five years or so in any case – I hadn’t heard that emptying could cause issues. It is a good time to look around it and do any needed repairs. That said, if you think you have been doing everything right and the pool people are telling you something else you could always get a second opinion. My personal opinion – houses in the US are constantly falling down and your job is to stop the falling down as best as possible, And pool are constantly going wrong and yet still pretty brilliant.

    7. Auntie Social*

      Our neighbor had their pool remodeled and made into a stunning koi pond. He spent all kinds of time and money and got some nice but not huge fish. He was excited about his new hobby, and his wife hoped it was therapeutic. However, he was still trying to figure out how to screen it. Then one morning he found the golf course herons standing in his koi pond, all with fat, fat bellies. They’d picked that sucker clean, like a Vegas buffet. Neighbor had been trying to reduce his blood pressure and this did NOT help!!

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Yeah, this is the likely fate of any backyard fish around here, too, assuming the raccoons couldn’t get to them first. Particularly since, being a swimming pool, there aren’t any underhangs for fish to shelter in from birds.

        I feel like having a yard is one long struggle against nature in all of its forms, really. I know having an HOA would drive me crazy and so would the parking situation, but at times like this it is very tempting to sell the house and get a nice condo with no yard to worry about. Perhaps in one of those buildings with someone at a desk in the lobby who can sign for packages, even.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Ugh, Great Blue Herons. MBTA says that you’re not allowed to harass them… But I still punched the last one that went after my koi. Bastard hadn’t gotten any, thankfully.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I like them (and egrets), but I’d be pretty pissed off if I spent money on koi and they ate them all.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            They’re not unlikable birds, if you’re into birds (I am slightly wary of the extant dinosaurs, even chickens). Herons and egrets are designed to observe things and recognize patterns, and they’re really quite clever. Frankly, most of my local ones aren’t really that problematic, since they aren’t much over two feet, so if you’re reliable enough about chasing them off, they’re not going to fight something twice their size for the pond (and having a cane to wave at them helps), and Sharkie’s pushing forty inches long (that’s Queen Fattyfats!). The Great Egret isn’t small, but it’s a saltwater bird, and over here it’s just an overwinterer anyways, so I wouldn’t see them around an iced-over pond even if I was bayward.

            Great Blue Herons are near five feet tall, those family-wide observational skills means that decoys don’t work on them, they’ve never cared about sprinklers in their life, they will just keep watching you to figure out your pattern to get at the fish, and they’re not particularly skittish to begin with so you have to rush them to make them leave. There’s probably better ways to make life so hard for a heron that it won’t come back, yes, but it turns out that they don’t particularly love being punched in the neck. Spending as much time as possible by the pond, even at night, seems to have really kept the predators away, but that’s not really something a normal person does.

  62. Boondocks Cross*

    Looking at getting an elliptical. I’ve had a couple before that I’ve gotten from friends and worked great. My last one ended up at ex’s mother’s somehow during my move. I have young children and am a single parent, so I want one for home. A gym membership would be the route I would rather take instead of buying an elliptical but with children and typically working 12 hour days, it’s not feasible right now.

    I’m looking at reasonable prices but will hold up to wear and tear as I used my last ones at least 5 days a week. Any suggestions?

      1. it happens*

        Seconded – between it being the heat of summer and everyone Marie Kondo’ing their homes it would be the best bet if you can get a “man with a van” service to pick it up.
        I would recommend the one I purchased on amazon almost five years ago, but I just checked and they don’t sell it anymore.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      I looked up the Consumer Reports recommendations for the best “value” one… then I went on Craigslist, etc, and found the same brand/ comparable earlier year model for 1/3 the cost. (I had to get help to get it home…. paying to have someone bring it instead of getting friends’ help would have changed the cost, but I still would have been at 1/2).

      I got a Diamondback. That thing is heavy, sturdy and a great workout. It is not a precor, but I did not have the money for a gym level one. YMMV

      Do not be afraid to try it long enough to be sure it will not squeak / have issues / etc.

      I bought mine from a very nice neighborhood, from a guy who clearly was using it as a clothes rack. Low use, works fine. You can buy one from a used exercise equipment place, but check the warranty, etc. If it came out of a high-use gym, it may not be as much life left as you need. (You are doing great if you use yours at home that much… I struggle to use mine now that I have a dog to walk extensively again).

    3. fposte*

      I love my elliptical, and it’s lasted me over 10 years. A weld in the floor frame did break once, but I was able to get it repaired for about 60 bucks. I had to assemble it; it took a little time but was doable, and I’m not super-handy.

      Mine’s a low-end Pro-Form that cost me under $300 at the time; I think the company went through some changes, so I don’t know if it’s the same as it was, but it looks like there are still some decent reviews for the products generally. It’s got a very low-tech approach–there’s a little digital screen readout that runs on batteries and that’s it–so probably they don’t make that flavor any more. I think the advice to look for used is good; in my town there a couple of shops that would sell used equipment in addition to private sales.

  63. coffee cup*

    I’m averse to antidepressants (for me, not for others!) but I am experiencing low-level low mood, as I posted not too long ago. I’m now thinking of trying St John’s Wort as a sort of herbal attempt to see if I can improve things. I mean, I can’t even seem to get a doctor’s appointment for love nor money at the moment so I’m trying to help myself a bit. I can struggle on alone, I usually do, but wondered if anyone had tried this option and, if so, what was it like? Did it help and did it give you side effects? I’m aware it’s not something to be used lightly.

    1. Lefty*

      I can’t do antidepressants either. St. John’s Wort did nothing for me, but I know some people who swear by it. I’ve found GABA to be extremely helpful, though. It was suggested to me by my doctor. I also have anxiety and adhd. Ymmv. Good luck!

    2. Wishing You Well*

      I don’t use herbal remedies because of all the unknowns.
      Sam-E, a Biolight and regular exercise works for me with no side effects. Spending time outdoors is supposed to help, too.
      Hope you feel better soon.

      1. coffee cup*

        I do all the ‘non-med’ things and I think I do well, but it’s getting to a point now that it’s just not cutting it for a long-term solution. I know it’s not as good as actual medication but I think antidepressants are unknown too, in that people can surely react in very different ways. I just want to feel better and more like myself more of the time :(

    3. Sled dog mama*

      I’ve never tried any herbal remedies for my depression but I recently began seeing a new doctor who took one look at me and said I’d like to try you on anti anxiety meds. I figured what the heck 10 years in sure I’ll try something else. (She explained that anxiety and depression are kind of interrelated and it seemed that I was having more anxiety troubles than depression troubles). Started me on a short acting anti anxiety med and it’s been amazing. I know that doesn’t help if you’re having trouble getting to the doctor but maybe something to talk about when there. I’m now on a low dose of an antidepressant and anti anxiety and I feel so much more like myself.

    4. HannahS*

      My understanding is that St. John’s Wort is fairly similar to first-line antidepressants, pharmacologically, and can interact with a lot of other drugs, including birth control. Make sure you look up the interactions with the other things that you take, to be safe. Some people do seem to find it helpful, but go with a reputable brand and start with a low dose, because it’s much less regulated than pharmaceuticals.

    5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I haven’t tried St. John’s wort, having gone straight to pharmaceutical drugs for my depression.

      This internet stranger recommends that you to a doctor about getting something prescribed, because herbs aren’t standardized. They’re not standardized in two ways: one, if you’re using the actual plant (say, by drinking herb tea), there may be a lot of variation in how much of the active ingredient you get from one day to the next. Two, if you’re taking herbs/supplements in capsules, the quality control isn’t what it should be. So, a capsule from a bottle that says “St. John’s wort” may not contain any St. John’s wort, or may contain half as much, or twice as much, as the label says.

    6. TemporaryMe*

      I know you said you don’t like anti-depressants. What I found – and I was not a fan of medications – was that I had to have a 2 prong approach. (I tried all the natural stuff, diet, exercise…. but they could not stop the biochemical thing going on in my brain). I have a background culture that frowns on admitting depression/ mental health issues and medications in general, but for me, trying to manage a rogue chemical in my brain without help was not possible.

      I got the diagnosis. I found a good med that works. (different ones have different side effects and medicine has made great strides). I took that med – and I did therapy. There’s ways – apps, a lot has been posted here – to get the help to deal with the issues that don’t cost $150 an hour to see a therapist. I used the med to help me hang onto the job (my rule #1 – keep the job, stay employed), and my non-toxic friends, while I dealt with the rest of the stuff that was not bio-chemical.

      As I tackled the other issues – bad relationship, negative self-talk, dealing with my past (childhood and trauma)… I was able to heal. I am down to the lowest dose and am doing well….night-and-day different from where I was “X” years ago when I embarked on this quest to become happier and mentally healthier.

      Sadly, one of my siblings denied there was any depression in their brain. Soldiered on. Tried to use exercise, being busy, pushing self, self-medicated/acceptable addiction (attention of opposite sex). Looked wildly successful to the outside, but…. well. you can imagine the shock when they died so tragically. IF you feel you need help, reach out. Don’t spiral into a deep hole.

      For me, the guidance of the doctor for the right med, the help of a (sliding scale) therapist, and a lot of – volumes – of support, journaling and reading and introspective work – have turned my life around. I am grateful.

      Not trying to talk you into taking a med, but rather, to consider it as a bridge (as I have used it) to get to the other side – to coping skills, and positive changes, and a much better life. Going on it does not mean you have to be on it for life. Or that you are in any way a failure. (No more than my taking an antihistamine for my allergies is bad). Just don’t reject it if it can get you to your goal.

    7. NeverNicky*

      Anecdata…

      I found St John’s Wort did help my symptoms but the side effects out weighed the benefits. I felt very distant and uninvolved and it affected my work to the point my boss said he didn’t know which planet I was on! I was normally very engaged and switched on at work, even with depression and so I quit the SJW and it took a week or so to return to normal.

      Equally, I have had issues with SSRI medication but not to the same degree. I found it quite alarming actually. Just because SJW is herbal doesn’t mean it isn’t medication…

    8. KK*

      Buy a couple of metal and/or glass straws and keep one with you at all times. Here in the Pacific NW, most restaurants do not even offer straws unless asked, (and we are phasing out plastic single use bags) and most people are getting along fine.

    9. Good luck with that*

      I used St. John’s wort when I became an empty nester – situational on top of genetic predisposition – not expecting it to work. I actually did feel better, other than becoming more sensitive to the sun.

      If you are on any other medications, though, please, please, please check with your pharmacist. Herbal remedies can be contraindicated with many medicines or conditions. My BP prescription, for example, doesn’t mix well with SJW.

      Whatever treatment you try, I hope you feel better soon.

  64. Three Pines Visitor*

    FYI: Hellmouth posted her update about an hour ago on yesterday’s Open Thread.

  65. OyHiOh*

    Proposition: Humans are bipedial horses

    We group up into herds

    We develop herd mentality when threatened

    We’re easily startled

    We run from “scary” things as fast as possible, heedless of the damage we cause to ourselves or others along the way.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I’m actually doing quite well, thank you!

        Couple conversations with a friend about philosphic purpose and motivation led to that conclusion. We’re gathering people together to try and get our community off the “spinning hamster wheel of death” and there’s a good chance I just doxed myself to anyone in my community who reads here, whose heard that phrase in the past couple weeks. It’s been used in “how do we turn this place around” conversations, meetings, and presentations, attached to my name. I’m not sure if I’m proud or embarressed for coining the phrase – I was very frustrated about some issues that everyone talks about but never seem willing to actually make effective change.

  66. Hitori*

    Hi! I could really use some advice about a problem I’m having: imagine you have a friend, a good person but kind of exhausting to be around, somebody you totally enjoy seeing once every week or every other week. But they call you and want to hang out Every Day.

    I’m an introvert and this is totally taking it out of me. If I don’t pick up when he calls, I get a string of texts instead. I get that they’re lonely, but I just can’t be their go-to person. Is there anything I can say without totally crushing him?

    1. Tipcat*

      See Captain Awkward about the impossibility of stating your boundaries and (at the same time) being “nice”.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        If you define “nice” as “never disappointing anyone’s expectations or desires, however unreasonable.” Or as “always taking responsibility for managing other people’s feelings.”

        You can be kind, polite, civil, and considerate in expressing and living your boundaries. You just have to be prepared to accept that sometimes it involves telling people “no,” and they might not like it.

        1. valentine*

          He shouldn’t be totally crushed and, if he is, giving him what he wants is harmful to both of you. When he texts, is it stream-of-consciousness or is he hassling you to pick up pick up pick up?If the former, he may just be telling you when he happens to think of stuff, the way people send work email overnight and colleagues are all, “I can’t believe they want me to respond at 2:00 am!”

          Tell him the frequency and method of contact you want, but be honest. Don’t offer extra out of guilt. Then block his number outside those times.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Eh, you can try telling them.
      You might be able to set expectations by picking out and setting up times to get together one week ahead.
      So this week you’d plan out what day you guys would hang out next week. “This is what I can do given work and other things. I get together with you about once a week, usually x day is best for me.”

      I get that you are concerned about crushing him but he could crush you with his constant visits so there is that. It’s not up to one person to fill up another person’s life.

    3. Dot*

      Be honest and say just that. ‘I’m an introvert and need time to recharge my social battery’. I have a friend who tells me the same thing, and I know she needs a few days to just be alone. I wasn’t offended, just glad she told me the truth so I didn’t come across as annoying (which was absolutely not my intention).

    4. Overeducated*

      I have a very dear long time friend who used to be like this, and, well…I just responded “hey can’t talk now, will call back soon” and replied at the interval I actually had it in me. Same for texts, sometimes I’m just doing other stuff. Obviously if it sounded like she needed to talk about something really serious I’d call back right away but otherwise I was pretty consistent about always responding, just at my own pace. We don’t live close any more but this also worked for get togethers when we were in the same place. Just do what you can do and friend will learn what you have to give.

  67. Only a test*

    Getting a routine colonoscopy on Monday. Anyone want to encourage me? I’m worried about the prep tomorrow. I’m worried that the anesthesia will kill me. I’m worried that I’ll have colon cancer. What have you got for me?

    1. Asenath*

      I’ve been having them ever since a close relative was diagnosed with a cancerous polyp – and she was cured totally by having the polyp removed! But once you mention to your own doctor that this happened to a close relative, you get sent for regular screening.
      There are a couple different preps; I didn’t find the one I was given very bad, although of course I stayed home near a toilet during it. I got a powder from the drugstore to mix with water and a nurse recommended a lime or lemon flavouring, and chilling it to make it more palatable. That helped. I don’t remember anything about the procedure itself; they gave me good drugs! One minute I was chatting nervously with the doctor while lying on the bed or whatever you call it, next thing I knew, the nurse was encouraging me to get up and had called in my escort. They’re extremely strict here about having someone take you home afterwards – and that person can’t be a taxi driver; it has to be someone who will ensure you get in your home safely. I thought I was perfectly normal – in fact, that I hadn’t felt so good in ages – but my friend who took me home agreed with the nurse that I wasn’t really tracking properly so it was a good idea someone took me home. I rested the rest of the day, and by morning I really was normal, or as normal as I ever get. And none of these screening tests have revealed anything serious.

      So good luck, and I hope you have an easy experience and good results.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Prep… Not fun, but not terrible, either. Put a book in the bathroom and some Vaseline or Desitin to pay on your bottom after each time you go. FINISH THE PREP. If you are not cleaned out well, they’ll tell you to come back. IME they don’t use a general anaesthetic, just IV, so that will be fine. It is unlikely they will find anything, but if they do it means it was found early and that would be a good thing! Wear loose pants, they usually use some gas to inflate you and you will feel bloated afterward. When it’s finished, you will want to eat, drink, and nap and should not drive or sign legal papers or go”just to look” at puppies or kittens or watch the home shopping network with credit card in hand. Post up next week and let us know how it went.

    3. edj3*

      It’s truly the best nap you will ever, ever have. And bonus–if anything wonky is found, they’ll deal with it!

    4. nonegiven*

      I don’t think it’s actual ‘put you to sleep’ anesthesia, it’s that stuff that makes you not remember anything.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I had my first one this year. I gather that my prep option was less obnoxious than older versions – had to drink a lot but it wasn’t awful-tasting, just time-consuming. I did invest in some adult diapers so I didn’t have to stay in the bathroom ALL the time; don’t know if that appeals to you or not, but I was impressed at modern adult-diaper technology – they worked beautifully and were surprisingly comfortable. Re anesthesia: I had planned to ask for a local as I’d never had a general before and was a bit nervous about it, but a friend of mine recommended the general and the doctor seemed to prefer it, so I went with that. And it was amazing: just closed my eyes, opened them and found it was over – completely benign and easy experience all around. (OK, my results were very good, so that helped!) While I won’t say I’m eager to do it again, it wasn’t nearly as unpleasant as I’d feared.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      1) There is nothing edible in life that tastes worse than the laxative they give you, and some poisons taste better. If you don’t drink it all, you’ll just have to do it again, and drink more. It sucks, do it anyways. You’ll know when you’ve finished, although hopefully it’s not so dramatic as mine.

      2) Your chance of dying from the anesthesia is .03%. Also, I didn’t die during mine, and I’ve got so. many. problems. I’m like the poster child for surgical death possibilities, and I’m still alive, so you should feel super confident.

      3) If you’ve got colon cancer, catching it is vastly safer than not catching it.

      Good luck! The koi and I will be rooting for you!

    7. Jaid*

      Oooo, prep was fun. The little pills, the drink, and then all the Gatorade and bone broth I could stand. At the end of it, I was licking Better Than Bouillon off my fingers just for the umani taste.

      Just make sure your bathroom is clean, you have soft toilet paper, and a good book.

      *Fun fact- I had a follow-up where I was given a camera in a pill to swallow. It was supposed to transmit images as it traveled through my digestive system, to a receiver/computer I wore. I had to fast the day before and couldn’t eat until after 8 hours after swallowing the camera.

      The camera failed to work.

      I haven’t gone back yet… I can’t bring myself to do that again. I’m diabetic and fasting/liquid fasting makes me hangry like whoa. Put me in a clinic where I can be monitored and get nutrients by IV and shit and I’d try again.

    8. Searching*

      I just had mine last Monday. It was the 3rd time for me (family history) – I call it my “five-yearly cleanse and nap.” This time they let me use a different prep protocol – instead of a gallon of the Colyte, I only had to drink half a gallon of MiraLax-infused Gatorade. So much better. Whichever prep you use, make sure it’s refrigerated. If it’s Gatorade, choose a flavor you don’t usually get, because you won’t want to drink it for a while afterwards. And then just stay close to the toilet and have reading materials and/or phone/tablet handy.

      The IV anesthesia is the best part. My doc now uses Propofol instead of Versed, so there is no residual grogginess (although they still tell you not to drive etc afterwards).

      Colonoscopies are among the few preventive care procedures that were truly shown to prevent cancer. They can find those polyps and snip them before they have a chance to turn into cancer. You’re doing a good thing for your health!

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Yes – my recent one used the new protocol. If your doctor offers a choice, or even if not, ask about the MiraLax (or it’s generic) plus gatorade prep. The taste is NOT like the other stuff. I think you are not suppose to combine it with “red” so I just used some clear gatorade. And REALLY cold.

        All the other advice here is great. At my health plan, it’s the twilight sedation. The needle going in is the only tough part.
        My word of advice:
        * Read all the advice in advance and do all the pre-prep other things, too (read it all… sister forgot-to-stop the baby aspirin her first time)
        * Try to get the first appointment of the morning, IMHO. I couldn’t get a ride in the morning and so took a 1:00 appt slot. They had some sort of combo of flu outage of staff, coupled with an inpatient referral that took precedence – and I got bumped from that 1:00 to a 4 pm start. 3 extra hours of waiting, in that lovely hospital gown, in the pre-op area (Freezing and hungry).
        So next time…. I’ll take the first one in the morning. Less time to wait after the midnight prep finishing, fewer hungry hours, and less chance of being bumped. Not that it can’t happen, but… the later in the day, the more the domino effect of delays.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Ooooh, that’s the stuff that doesn’t taste terrible.

          I have a history of being constipated while on MiraLax, so I don’t get to have the good stuff. :C

        2. Searching*

          Re: time of day for procedure – studies have also shown that physicians are better at detecting polyps early in the morning and the detection rate goes down later in the day. So that’s another reason to get an early morning time slot!

    9. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Wow, am I the only one who declined the anaesthesia? There was some very mild discomfort at insertion, but honestly, less than an IV needle, and then some cramping from the air being pumped in, but honestly, it was SO worth it to me to be able to drive home right away. I was debating it for this past one, my first, because I often refuse locals for dental work, and it doesn’t bother me. I haven’t been put under since I had an appendectomy as a child, actually. My gastroenterologist won me over when he said that not many patients decline, but of those that have, none of them have said they regretted it or wanted anaesthesia the next time.

      1. Book Lover*

        In a couple of decades, I think I have only had two people decline. Both did fine.

        Anyway, is no one getting cologuard? I have no family history so that’s my plan.

        1. TemporaryMe*

          I got the cologard for the decade before, but after a certain age, you have to have the benchmark one (in our protocol recommendations in our hospital system). AND because they found a (not great,not yet cancer) polyp in me (and snipped right away, same day)… I have to do this every 3 years now.

          I am now all for the “let them put eyes on me.” If I’d put it off another 10 years, the story would be very different.

          It’s not my favorite thing to do, but if it lets me not get an avoidable cancer… I’m good with drinking the stuff. Some folks voluntarily do cleanses for other health reasons. LOL.

          1. Book Lover*

            Perhaps you are thinking of a fit test or stool occult blood? Cologuard is newer and looks for dna from polyps and cancer. Not a good choice if you have had polyps previously.

            1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

              yes! I think that’s it, although they do not tell you the name of it, just handed it out/ mailed it with a request to mail back in, for about several years before I actually hit the benchmark for the the first colonoscopy.

    10. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      I’ve been getting them since my 30’s due to family history. The first one, I had to drink a gallon of prep in 2 hrs, and the procedure was without anesthesia. Things have improved greatly over the last 25 years. The prep is the most unpleasant part, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. Colon cancer is a very slow developing disease, which is why it’s important to get screened. It takes something like 7 years for a polyp to become full blown cancer, so if they find it early, they just clip it off and that’s it. If you have any polyps, they’ll remove them and recommend re-screening in 3 years. If not, you’re good for 5 or more years. It’s well worth enduring a day of unpleasantness once every 3 to 5 years to pretty much guarantee you won’t develop colon cancer.

    11. Dr. Anonymous*

      You’ll be fine! If you chill the prep, have a couple of sweatshirts handy. Funnily enough, if you drink a lot of cold liquid really fast, you get really cold.

      1. Worked in IT forever*

        I have a family history of cancer, and I have had a boatload of these tests since the 1990s. And so far, nothing sinister has turned up. But I know that if it does, things are highly treatable when caught early. So the hassle is worth the piece of mind.

        I have trouble keeping the prep down, but I have a particularly weak stomach. If you have that problem, work with your doctor on creative alternatives. That’s what I had to do. What finally worked best for me was being on an almost-all-liquid diet for two or three days with normal laxatives like Miralax, so that even if I could keep down only half the prep (which is all I could manage), I’d still be ready for the test. I was also on a low-volume prep (the name escapes me) that I mixed with a small amount of liquid instead of that giant jug of prep. I could also take OTC or prescription anti-nausea pills if needed.

        The prep is always the hardest part for me. Once I’m done with that, the actual procedure is no big deal at all. I’ve never had full anesthetic, just sedation, but it knocks me out. I have a lovely sleep, I wake up, and it’s all over. And afterward, we go out for yummy junk food :), although that is probably not recommended.

        Good luck. The whole process is worth doing. Really.

    12. i know this one!*

      Seconding the, “It’s not as bad as you think!” I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy recently to check some things out, and I’m a total nervous nellie about most medical things but really it was fine. If they use propofol, it knocks you out but is not true general anesthesia and is quite safe and pleasant—it’s a matter of seconds before you don’t notice anything anymore, and a matter of minutes after the surgery till you come out of it. I saved up some favorite low-stress TV shows to watch in the bathroom during prep and afterwards (Queer Eye & Great British Baking Show FTW!), which let me feel like I was treating myself. And yes, definitely put the diaper cream on liberally every time you go.

      I was worried about keeping the prep down, and what worked for me was 2 suggestions I saw on the internet: (1) I drank it in shots from shot classes, to minimize smelling it or thinking about it; (2) I kept lemon wedges on hand to put into my mouth after each shot. It’s far from pleasant—I mean, you’re having diarrhea for a few hours—but as long as you go easy on yourself and find other ways to pamper yourself during the sick time (e.g. favorite tv show, re-reading cozy children’s books, nice candles, watching ridiculous animal videos for hours on end, whatever floats your boat), it’s not as bad as it sounds.

    13. Elizabeth Bennet*

      It will be fine. As others have written, the prep is the worst part. Popsicles or Italian ices help to deal with the aftertaste.
      These facilities do so many procedures that it can feel a little bit like an assembly line. The advantage of that is the staff are experts. They know exactly how much anesthesia to give you.
      All things considered, this is a relatively painless way to diagnose a treatable cancer.

    14. Good luck with that*

      What I remember most vividly from my “baseline” test was the aftermath.
      You will be hungry.
      Your system will be empty.
      Do not indulge in a heavy, high-fat meal on the way home.
      Ask me how I know. Better yet, don’t ask.

  68. My Brain Is Exploding*

    Yes, indeedy!! And there’s something about older shoulders that makes it a little more difficult to get a bra off over my head! I want a racer back style and cannot find that in a back-clasp or front clasp model in a small size; I can find them in over-the-head + clasp or in larger sizes. (Oh, people who make and design sports bras, please listen: older women exercise! Small boobs still bounce and are uncomfortable!)

    1. Ranon*

      Have you looked at Shock Absorber? As far as I know the Ultimate Run comes in a big size range and it’s definitely back clasp and racer back, if you’re not picky about colors usually you can find a decent deal for last season’s colors online.

  69. I'm a Little Teapot*

    I am fostering a kitty! He’s a hospice foster, I picked him up last Sunday. His name is Auburn and they think he’s about 13. Auburn is at least 4 pounds underweight, he’s emaciated and has hyperthyroidism. I’m working on trying to feed him up, he’s eating tons of wet food. I’m watching him closely for possible respiratory infection. Assuming that my cat decides she’s ok with him, I’ll have him indefinitely.

    1. Eva and Me*

      Thank you for doing this — kitty deserves wonderful forever home, for however long that is.

      I will post this separately, as an update, also: a week or so ago I posted about my elderly friend going into a nursing home and my trying to find a new home for her 8-9 yo Kitty, esp. one that didn’t involve a shelter (no kill). I got some good feedback here; however, when contacted my friend’s church to let them know about her move to the nursing home, and the church secretary, before I could even mention the topic, asked about Kitty! She knew of a possible adopter who had recently lost her cat and contacted her, and yesterday at the meet-and-greet, she decided that Kitty needed her and she needed Kitty, so Kitty went home with her! Fingers crossed it’s permanent.

      Thanks to people like you who take the time and make the effort to make a difference!

  70. Arrangements*

    So 2018 was the Year of Hell for me. I was always slightly underweight for 35 years, and then in one year, I suffered a layoff at work (one of those dragged out affairs in which for months we waited to hear if we were on the list of cuts), a death of a parent, and a death of a dear friend. It was brutal, and I turned to food to self-soothe. Suddenly I’m 25 lbs above where I want to be. I literally never worried about what I ate, and I don’t even know where to start to get back myself on track. I appreciate all suggestions!!!

    1. JediSquirrel*

      A job change resulted in some weight loss, so I can sympathize. I’ve managed to lose 25 pounds over the last year. This is what worked for me:

      1) I bought a FitBit Flex. The app helps you keep track of steps, weight, and water drunk. I set a goal of 10,000 steps a day and 64 oz of water. (I have a science background, so having data to analyze and track helps me get things done.) I have found a few podcasts that I like to listen to while I walk, and I find them soothing. So when I need comfort, instead of grabbing a bag of chips, I grab my ear buds and put on my walking shoes.

      2) Walking is my only exercise, although I bought some cheap weights for rainy days. 50 arm curls on a rainy day while standing there watching Star Trek reruns is better than no exercise at all.

      3) Slim-Fast shakes. I keep some in the fridge at work. Previously, if I didn’t have time for a proper lunch, I’d do fast food. Having a Slim Fast shake (I like the high-protein ones, although they are a bit more costly) helps me avoid that.

      4) I don’t feel guilty if I slip up and eat more than I should have or don’t get in my 10k steps. Tomorrow is another day.

      5) All of these things helped me get used to smaller portions. Before, I needed three tacos to fill me up. Now, one taco is sufficient to fill me up. I still eat (mostly) what I used to, just in smaller portions.

      6) I have support. There are three other people at work who are trying to eat better and lose weight and it helps to have them to compare notes and commiserate.

      7) I do try to eat healthier. Sure, I still eat the occasional burger or piece of lasagna (see #5), but it’s a smaller portion. Also, I’ve learned to make vegetarian tacos using lentils (which I love) and have found some vegetarian alternatives to meat that helped me lose weight. (Beyond Burger is great, and Gardein crumbles are great for any place you would use ground beef or Italian sausage. Just season appropriately.)

      8) I sorted my clothes into three piles: 1) Fits me, 2) Kind of fits me, but is too tight to wear comfortably in public, and 3) oh god, there’s just no way. Every few months, I try everything on again and move clothes to the appropriate pile. It’s very satisfying to see the first two piles get larger and the third one get smaller. Even more so than numbers, this is a very visual reminder of my progress.

      I hope this helps. You can do this!

    2. Alex*

      You turned to food to self-soothe, so nothing you do will be successful until you find a way to not need that soothing anymore.

      I find I eat less when I am really busy. Spend time with friends–if you don’t have any, time to get some activities going that you will enjoy. Bonus points if they are physical activities, but they don’t need to be. Learn a new skill or start a new hobby. Volunteer. Do things that will get you out of your old habits and foster new (hopefully healthier) ones. Do things that make you feel good, and you won’t need to eat food to feel good.

    3. Dan*

      I had a come-to-Jesus moment with myself a couple of years ago. I’m in my late 30’s, and I had went on a trans Atlantic cruise with my parents. The cruise was fine, but everybody on it was Old. With. Physical. Problems. The kicker was that getting off the cruise ship, there were two lines at immigration at the Port: One for “normal people” and one for “people with disabilities and Global Entry.” I travel overseas (by air) a lot, so have Global Entry. My parents are regular folk. The “other” line was so full of people with disabilities that my parents in the normal line beat me out of it. Mind you, at an airport, I just walk up to a kiosk and GTF out of there.

      I’m overweight and I know it, and I used to tell myself that I had my health so things were fine. Well, after that, I decided I wanted to *keep* my health.

      So I did a a lot of things. I go to the gym 4-5 days a week. I alternate between strength and cardio. I have goals for each that I want to reach, and once I reach them, I increase my workout (with cardio, it’s increase the treadmill incline and speed) for strength, I do three sets of 15 reps. If I’m able to complete strength, I increase the weights. When I get “bored” with cardio, I increase the incline/speed.

      Food wise, I have to cut back on the snacks. I eat whatever I want for meals, but I keep the snacks at the grocery store. If it’s at home and I’m the slightest bit bored, I eat. So no snacks at home. I cook a lot, and at home I’ve been swapping out rice or potatoes with vegetables.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        This is well written and very true. It’s fundamentally how I did my gym work to supplement my weight loss… the “do it, then when you hit your goal, increase it” works. And I started my weight loss after the death of my father (heart/diabetes, although normal weight externally), and a bad lab value on one of my tests. I need to get back to the gym and put some muscle back on – (last 4 years have been hell between hubby’s cancer and my work) but the underlying work and habits I built helped me keep it off even when life was rough.

        The visual of “future me” drove a lot of the accomplishment. Good advice.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      When you go through a period of extended stress, your coping mechanisms tend to become ingrained habits even after the external stressor is over. And because they were built in a complex emotional situation, it’s not realistic to just try to stop doing it all at once.

      What works for me when I need a reset, is to think about adding things instead of restricting things.

      I need more sleep. I need more water & vegetables. I need to exercise more often, or with more variety. I need more social interaction. I need more satisfying or meaningful goals (not weight-related). I need to read more books.

      Instead of: cut sugar or carbs, watch less TV, be less sedentary, eat fewer calories, etc. The behavior comes out similar, but the “more” mindset is not so emotionally taxing when you’re coming off a period of stress.

    5. Anon Librarian*

      Exercise. Don’t stress about it. Just get in the habit of doing more of it every day – anything you can motivate yourself to do.

      Eat more fruits and vegetables, especially before meals. Fill up on that stuff before you eat the other stuff. Eat fruit when you’re craving sugar.

      Drink more water.

      Those three things will help to regulate your appetite and reset your cravings so the healthy stuff is more appealing than the unhealthy stuff. Once that starts to kick in, cut out the empty calories and shift your diet to something more lean and nutrious.

      I think that if you, say, go from eating cookies for comfort to just trying not to, it’ll be hard and it won’t set you up well for success. You have to prepare yourself with exercise and adding healthier foods. Then you won’t care about the cookies as much and you can just swap them out for watermelons, pomegranates, star fruit, strawberries, etc. And treat yourself with fun activities that don’t involve eating.

      Also, watch less TV! And when you do, find a way to watch it without commercials! It’s pretty much designed to make people crave unhealthy food and eat more than is healthy. Do something active instead! You can save the episodes of whatever you watch for a day when you’re sick or tired or something.

    6. MeepMeep*

      I found that going strict Paleo/Primal (no wheat, no dairy, no sugar, no processed foods) was most helpful in getting me back on track. (I had about 15 lbs to lose). I basically did a Whole30, though this was before that existed.

      This way I didn’t need to count calories or restrict the amount eaten, and once I got used to eating this way, it was very simple. “Is this something I eat? Y/N”.

      1. Lobsterp0t*

        Those are both extremely restrictive diets, maybe not in quantity eaten but painting them as not restrictive is… deceptive and odd. Even if they made you happy.

        1. fposte*

          I’m not a cheerleader of those diets, but MeepMeep didn’t say they weren’t restrictive; she said she didn’t need to restrict the *amount* eaten. Which you don’t.

    7. Sled dog mama*

      I stress eat like what, especially at work because our clients are constantly bringing us cookies, cakes donuts etc. and we had one very well meaning person who brings “treats” once a week usually brownies.
      What really helped me was identifying what I get from stress eating. For me it’s having a reason to remove myself from the situation. I have started making myself a cup of tea every time I get the impulse to get a snack. This has hugely helped me get and stay hydrated. I have also started worrying about portion size more than anything else so making sure I’m only eating one portion of dinner not three. (I also cut out most carbs but that was due to doctors recommendation) I’ve lost 15 pounds in the last 4 months just due to diet modification.

    8. Lobsterp0t*

      Recommend Is Butter a Carb?

      Written by two RDs, debunks a lot of nutrition myths, has a good chapter on balance and another on weight stigma, and LOTS of citations that are handy.

      Also like Ellyn Satter’s eating model to support intuitive eating – great for emotional eaters because it pairs nicely with finding a better strategy for those emotions! While also being weight neutral and focused on health beyond weight.

    9. WoodswomanWrites*

      I had great success with the online version of WeightWatchers. No meetings, and you don’t need to buy any of their products. It’s points-based and healthy foods have zero points–fruit and vegetables )as well as fish, meat, and poultry if you eat those). I like that I could eat anything I chose and as much of as I wanted as long as I balanced that all out, and it encourages getting exercise to have more points and more that you can eat. Plus they have suggested tips and recipes and a free chat for questions.

      I lost 20 pounds and have given myself permission to gain a few pounds back now and then at the holidays, etc. and I can easily take it off again using the WeightWatchers tools I now have in my head so I don’t need to use their service.

      One more thing that I found helpful was that I gave myself a target time of six months, so I didn’t feel pressure to lose every pound by the next day. With that mindset, every time I lost a pound, I realized I was on track for my long-term goal.It took a lot of pressure off to take my time. You of course could pick whatever target would make sense for you.

      Hope that helps.

  71. Ra94*

    Are y’all ready for a niche one? FLEABAG THREAD. I watched season 1 ages ago, but saw season 2 this week (and re-watched season 1). This show has broken me and healed me and I literally can’t stop thinking about it- at work, at the gym, it’s constantly going through my head. Who else is a fan? (Or not a fan?)

    And what does everyone think of the ‘Hot Priest is problematic’ hot takes? Personally, I feel like they miss the point of his storyline (that he’s flawed) and ascribe a power balance that isn’t there (because his church role gives him zero authority over Fleabag.)

    1. Eva and Me*

      I only watched both seasons this year — loved it! And I was sad to discover there won’t be any more. And yeah, I think your take on the priest and Fleabag is right.

      1. Ra94*

        I know, I’m so gutted that there won’t be more, yet the ending of s2 was *perfect* and I think Fleabag doesn’t need ‘us’ anymore.

    2. Lady Jay*

      Yes, Fleabag thread!!

      Watched both seasons earlier this summer. First season was good, second was great. The banter (sometimes hilarious) among the characters, the show’s willingness to take up hard questions and hard parts of being human and leave them unresolved, the score, and that jumpsuit: all terrific.

      I especially liked the relationship between the sisters. My own sister and I are not particularly close. Sisterhood is so often portrayed in entertainment as a particularly intimate female relationship, which has not been my experience at all, so it was fascinating and refreshing to see something more nuanced portrayed.

      And yes, I agree with you about the Hot Priest (possible mild spoilers ahead).

      As a religious person myself (though not Catholic), I see where people are coming from who say that he’s a bad priest, that he’s abandoning his priestly duties to sleep with Fleabag, and in doing so, he’s missing a needed chance to provide counsel and grace. But that’s just the point: he is a bad priest, yet in spite of that badness, and because of it, he gives both Fleabag and himself a chance to locate themselves in the world again, through love and companionship. I’m reminded of the Whiskey Priest in Graham Greene’s The Power and the Glory (beautiful novel), who was a terrible priest by Catholic standards: fathered a child, drank a lot, slunk from village to village during the persecutions in Mexico in the 1930s. Yet because the Whiskey Priest is bad, he’s able to see more clearly the beauty and grace present in (some of) the people he ministers to, more than the pious alone can. The Hot Priest does not succeed at a priest, but his interactions with Fleabag still bear fruit, grounding them both more deeply in the worlds they inhabit and the people they meet there.

      1. Ra94*

        Yes, the first season was refreshing, and the second season was mind-blowing. I’m rewatching it for the second time in two weeks currently, and I’m catching new details all the time (mostly because the pace is so quick, it’s easy to miss glances and winks).

        I loved the sister relationship, too. Only child myself, but I’ve had a lot of friends say it was a refreshingly realistic portrayal of what sisterhood can be like. I found Claire’s “you’re the only one I’d run through an airport for” a more poignant declaration of love than anything romantic the show’s done.

        Downloading The Power and Glory to my Kindle right away, haha. But yes, that’s exactly it- Hot Priest IS a bad priest, but a good person, or at least, a person who brings a lot of good to Fleabag’s life. Just like Fleabag is a bad sister by punching her brother-in-law on the nose, but is doing exactly what Claire needs in that moment.

    3. HannahS*

      I loved loved LOVED Fleabag. Been recommending it to everyone.

      I sort of shrug at the whole “Hot Priest is Problematic” take. As a non-Catholic, it doesn’t seem weird to me that a member of clergy would date from within the congregation. Obviously they shouldn’t be with someone who’s in a vulnerable situation, and especially not someone who’s seeking them for counseling. And I guess, aside from the whole “vow of celibacy” thing, a priest is more than just a teacher; they can grant heavenly forgiveness, which makes them pretty powerful, yes? So there’s inherently more of a power differential, I guess. But Fleabag isn’t really a congregant, and while she does seek him out and ask questions about his beliefs, I felt like they felt equal to each other. And as you say, he’s pretty flawed, and he’s presented as being flawed.

      Here’s a better hot take: Fleabag is problematic! The way she treats her boyfriend in series one is disgusting. She manipulates him emotionally, breaks up with him to get him to clean the place, and “surprises” him in the shower with a KNIFE. If another character treated her the way she treats him and was written sympathetically, we’d get a million op-eds on how problematic he is. Fleabag is problematic. Hot Priest is problematic. Her dad and Olivia Colman’s characters are pretty problematic. The brother-in-law certainly is. The line “I’m not a bad guy, I just have a bad personality” could 100% apply to most of the characters in the show…which is kind of the point.

      1. PX*

        Your last paragraph is why I couldn’t get into Fleabag at all. I watched a couple of episodes of season 1, and while I could see how it was ~different and ~subversive and some of the humour was great and some of the relationships were portrayed in different and realistic ways you don’t normally see on TV – at the end of the day I just don’t like watching shows about mean people. And from what I can tell, that’s kind of the point of Fleabag – she’s a terrible person, maybe sort of looking for redemption?

        1. Ra94*

          I think that’s what I found so refreshing about Fleabag- she’s a true female anti-hero, which is something male characters are constantly allowed to be (House, Breaking Bad, Sherlock, ad infinitum), and women less often so. Definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. But I’d argue she’s not a terrible person so much as she’s very flawed. She does truly kind and beautiful things for people throughout the series.

        2. Lilysparrow*

          This is me. I think she’s a tremendous writer, and she has created these characters and portrayed her own very realistically. I just don’t like them enough to spend that much time with them.

          The character strikes me as the kind of person I’d have fun talking to at a party, but at some point you get that comment or watch them interact with someone else and you think, “yeah, we are never going to hang out.”

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. Yes, ‘Hot Priest’ is a jerk, but so is everyone else on the show. It’s like picking out one ‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’ character to call problematic.

      3. Ra94*

        Yeah, completely agree about the power differential. If anything, Fleabag seems to be more in control for a lot of their relationship; he explicitly sets physical boundaries with her, that he won’t have sex with her, which she doesn’t respect whatsoever. (Just as he doesn’t respect the emotional barriers she puts up, and the mutual boundary-pushing ends up leading to growth for both of them.) But there’s no sense in the confessional scene (God, that scene) that Hot Priest is taking advantage of her in the slightest.

        I like the idea about all the characters being problematic in some regard, although I would maybe sort them into ‘flawed but lovable’ and ‘outright asshole’, with Fleabag, Hot Priest, Claire, and Dad in the first category, and Godmother and Martin in the second. Fleabag is definitely awful to her boyfriend Harry, but there is a sense that it’s a mutual game for both of them. He’s also mildly demeaning to her (the flashback of him saying it’s rare to meet a girl who can ‘keep up’ and tapping his temple). It doesn’t justify Fleabag treating him badly, but they’re obviously an awfully ill-suited couple who both enjoy the messiness, which gives him inspo for his song lyrics.

        That said, I think it is a big message of the show that no one is beyond redemption and nothing is black and white. The banker is the most powerful symbol of that- he goes from a misogynist whose go-to insult is “slut”, to sympathetic broken man whose family is falling apart, to one of the kindest characters who is always there to help Fleabag despite barely knowing her.

  72. Jayess*

    I didn’t see a running thread, and I can’t really start one, since I’m on a Running Time Out from my physiotherapist, but I want some comfort and anonymous internet boards are the right speed for my current woes.
    1. my running partner and I are running partners no more. It’s very sad, and unfortunately very messy.
    2. I can’t get over it. I want to fix it, but when I’m clear and feeling strong… I don’t think it’s fixable.
    3. he keeps going to club meetings, and I can’t handle seeing him and pretending that things are ok.
    4. I can’t go anyways because physio put me on time out, but now I can’t access either my community or my coping mechanism to deal with my emotions.
    5. I’m going to therapy and it turns out I have a lot to work on? So I should do that first, but without my normal buddy and my normal avenue to work on stuff I feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

    Going to therapy and seeing doctors and physiotherapists and doing all the “right” things so I know it’s just a matter of time, but I would love some “there theres” and attagirls and an excuse to talk/think about Running Partner.

    1. Christy*

      This all sucks. To lose the physical activity and the partner and the community all at the same time? That’s a lot to deal with. Want to share more about running partner?

      Do you have any option for physical activity other than running? When I badly sprained my ankle last year I really should have done the arm bike for the sake of of my aerobic and mental health.

      1. Jayess*

        He’s an amazingly talented runner, a dedicated friend, and a gentle soul. We read a lot of the same books and ask the same questions. We both loved to encourage our club members and come up with stupid adventure ideas.
        Has growth still to do in social awareness, but is open to listening often enough.
        Bit subject to obsession though. And afraid of rejection. Meant that good boundaries got harder to maintain as we both got into the habit of putting each other first. A good trait in a friendship, but slipped into an unhealthy version of that, hence the therapy for me. It became obsession with each other, alas.

        1. Jayess*

          Thanks, by the way. because I’ve been trying to break my obsession and move through the world more sensibly, I’ve been trying not to dwell on thoughts of him. It’s like trying not to think of pink elephants haha. It’s good to let some of the pressure off in a good old anonymous forum.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Running alone doesn’t work for everyone. And right now this poster can’t run at all.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Oh wow. It was lousy enough for me when I couldn’t run for awhile; I can’t imagine losing my partner at the same time. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but I’m sending you good thoughts.

      1. Jayess*

        Thank you! I know I’m going to get through it but sometimes I feel a bit overcome with self pity, yknow? I’m doing good things for myself, but the hurt still hurts. Having a lite digital pity party helps relieve the pressure I put on myself to get better faster.

    4. LGC*

      Oh man, I’m so sorry! That sucks.

      So, I’ll work backwards since I was trying to work forwards and then I realized you buried the lede. Anyway – good luck with therapy, and I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. It’s pretty rough to not be able to fall back on your regular coping mechanisms, though. What I’ve found is that…like, sometimes you need to have – or find – a plan B. I really hope you have friends you can talk with (and that can listen to you cry about stuff), because you deserve to have support.

      And it’s a process, too. You might have a lot of stuff to fix, but it’s not like you have a deadline that you have to fix it by. Do what you can now, and get to what you can’t afterwards. Don’t try to boil the ocean.

      Anyway, so – practical advice: 4) actually solves 3) in a way – you have an excuse to not show up to club meetings! So, for at least a while, don’t! I’m not sure how the scene is in your area, but now would be a good time to look at different groups, maybe try different exercises (I’m not sure what your physio is allowing you to do), so on and so forth. Hopefully you’re back on your feet soon. And I know this is pretty disposable advice (“lol get a bike and ignore your ex”), but…man, you’re allowed to feel pain, and if it’s too painful to be around him now, don’t force yourself. Alternately, try to hit up smaller meetups where he won’t be there.

      Also, since I’m the self-appointed “running thread guy,” I might as well note partly why I’ve been slacking: I’ve had a bit of burnout myself. There were a couple of topics I did have in mind for the past few weeks, but they felt really heavy to me. Plus, I realized I was talking about myself a lot, and honestly I felt bored by it.

      1. Jayess*

        Being, as ultrarunningmemes calls it “an IPOS” has been a blessing and a curse. I’m on the bike and I’m doing yoga. So I know I’m doing all the things. Just why can’t time heal ALL MY WOUNDS faster?!
        Running is a weird one, eh? It’s both a medicine *and* can become a chore. I can relate to the burnout too. I burnt out last year. I try to encourage others as much as I can in my community here, but so often it’s sort of a humblebrag or you can sometimes feel like you have to prove your credentials in order to be allowed to talk about it.

        Burnout is an Invisible injury. It was hard last year giving myself permission to take a break to recover from it, bc I felt like I should be able to push through it. But running is as much a mental exercise as physical, and it’s fine and healthy to withdraw from some things in order to keep that muscle healthy.

        Thanks for the support, it was nice to do a bit of anonymous whining.

  73. fhqwhgads*

    I have to go to a family wedding soon, and I am not looking forward to seeing most of the people I will encounter there. I am also extremely bad at small talk. Most of the small talk questions people tend to ask are topics I don’t actually want to discuss so I need to prepare deflecty answers. I find this difficult because I’m also very opposed to lying, even a polite, small, it probably doesn’t really matter and no one would remember type of lie. So I prefer to go with vague+subject change, but I’m not great at it, even when I think I’m prepared. On the other hand, I could probably do a better job of deflecting if I asked others about those same things, because they DO want to talk about those things. But this technique is easier said than done since it’s not intuitive to me to ask about those things since I wouldn’t want to discuss them myself (glass half full: I am not a hypocrite?)

    I don’t know if I want advice or just confirmation I’m not the only one? Large events are so exhausting.

    1. Christy*

      “Oh” + short vague answer + “but what about you? Are you seeing anyone/having kids soon/politically supporting _____?”

      1. Lilith*

        Gardening, summer tv, base ball, real housewives? Just come up with topics in addition to bride/groom.

    2. BRR*

      Would it work to google some conversational topics so you have some questions up your sleeve to ask?

      1. fhqwhgads*

        I’ve tried that before, but historically even when I think I’ve fully prepared “when they bring up x, I’ll switch the subject to y” or whatever the case may be, even if I feel totally ready, in the moment instinct kicks in and I don’t actually any of what I’d planned.

    3. Policy wonk*

      I was recently at a family wedding and found that while almost everyone asked the kind of questions you are talking about, with two exceptions, no one actually paid any attention to the answers. So go in with that mindset – they aren’t really listening, they are just waiting for their turn to talk again. So don’t lie, have a pat answer, and give them their turn to talk. It will be good to see family, but exhausting, so keep tissues (excuse me – allergies. I need to blow my nose) or some other escape strategy at hand. And don’t shy away from being in the family pictures. It’s part of the family history.

    4. Party Survivor*

      Large events are exhausting for me too! I think it’s actually easier for me to handle them professionally when it’s “part of the job” to be friendly/pretend to be friendly ;-) And I can stick to professional/common topics to discuss.

      I think it’s fine to ask about things, and that people will just not answer like you’ve been doing if they don’t want. And, if you keep it general, “What have you been up to lately?”, “How is your summer going?”, it gives them a chance to steer the conversation towards something they actually want to discuss? Also, perhaps being the proactive one to ask “how have you been?” and then keep asking them things so they don’t get to ask you much :-)

      I wonder about three things:
      1) Is there a phrase that would cover most of things you get asked (“Oh, nothing new” or “all good” or “well, you know what that’s like”)
      2) Would practicing saying it aloud and connecting it to some body movement perhaps be helpful? Like, let’s say you squeeze your fist or tap your thigh or whatever movement while you practice. And when you get caught off guard, take a breath & smile, say “Thanks for asking” while you do the movement first and hopefully you will have it ingrained to “spit out” the words.
      3) Any reliably buddy you can team up with who let’s you just hang by their side while they lead the conversation?

    5. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      The wonderful thing about small talk is that you have the same conversations multiple times. (This is also the awful thing about small talk.) This means that you can practice and optimize your end of the conversation… perfect the punch line on your favorite joke, figure out how to explain your job in layman’s terms that people actually understand, learn how to deflect gracefully… Each new person you have the conversation with is a fresh reset and whatever mistakes you made in the previous conversation are only known to you.

      Sounds like you will have lots of opportunity to get better at small talk at this wedding. My sympathies.

  74. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    Bibliovore, I posted some google-fu stuff I found for Calistoga pretty late last week, if you didn’t see it and still need it.

    1. Bibliovorr*

      Thanks.i am traveling with spotty internet. I will go back a read when I can. Appreciate your research and looking forward to making a plan.

  75. Moana*

    How do you stay “sharp”?

    The next year (and maybe 15 years after that) might lead my life in a new direction. One where I may not have the option of keeping my 40 hour a week commitment ;) If I become a “house spouse” or a SAHP someday, how would I replicate the engagement and mental gymnastics/exercise I get now?

    2. Overeducated*

      Volunteering at the level where you’re organizing, planning, and budgeting, not just showing up (I.e. becoming the kind of person who steps up in a PTO, church, community organization, advocacy group, etc). There is a theory that dual income households decrease civic engagement because so much has depended on stay at home spouses; I don’t know if this is cross-culturally or statistically true but there’s a “truth” feel to it. Lots of work that builds communities and movements doesn’t pay.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, see if you can find some sort of part time volunteering in your industry.

    3. Worked in IT forever*

      Is there a course that you’ve always wanted to take, from a college, university, or somewhere else? You might even be able to do it online. It could be a course about something you’re just interested in, unrelated to work. For example, I’ve doing language classes from the local university’s continuing studies program and will eventually earn certificates. This is just for me, not for a job.

    4. Tomato Anonymato*

      And, I would argue that – depending on your parenting approach – being SAHP actually requires lots of mental engagement and creativity ;-) You might want to look up Janet Lansbury RIE blog

      I second the volunteering comments above, and specifically you might want to think about being a board member or a mentor.

      Good luck with this new phase of life!

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes, agree with this and Janet/RIE! I don’t have the bandwidth for as much reading as I used to do, but I really do find I bring a lot of my intellect and creativity to the problem solving required around raising a toddler and managing a house.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Regular walks, even if they are short.
      Feed your body/brain. I always feel better if I eat salmon or chicken. I feel sharper. See if you notice a difference if you eat certain foods.
      Keep doing new-to-you things. It can be a craft or learning to do minor house repair or refinishing furniture. Have something new that you are teaching yourself.
      Figure out how to put yourself around sharp people. Sharp people sharpen us and we sharpen them.
      Step outside your safety zone in strategically chosen ways.
      As each year goes by, ask yourself, what have I learned over the previous year? How have I pushed myself into new things? What do I think would be good goals for next year?
      Goals are a big deal. Have personal goals- short, medium and long term- is a good way to prevent ourselves from stagnating.

    6. Lilysparrow*

      The main causes of SAHP-ing causing the appearance of losing your “edge” have nothing to do with a lack of mental exercise. They are partly biological (hormone changes and sleep deprivation), which require biological;

      Partly due to a change in context and the way you function (constant interruptions vs blocks of concentrated time) which require learning a new skill set – plenty of mental gymnastics for anyone;

      And partly a change in what you are focusing on (you’re managing a relationship and a small person’s physical and emotional well-being), which requires patience, emotional intelligence, and physical/emotional vulnerability rather than abstract problem-solving or any kind of business related metrics.

      There are plenty of personal, community or political projects you can stay involved with in order to use those work-related or intellectual skill sets. But, as someone who had a very rough time with the first two transitions (biological and context), I’d advise you to see how you fare on the other side of those before you make a lot of plans to avoid boredom and mental stagnation. You may not have enough “spoons” to get bored at all.

    1. Dan*

      Please elaborate? Credit cards are a topic I know pretty well (for better and for worse, mostly better) but I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking. Balance transfer has a specific meaning, and if you’re taking advantage of a specific “offer” you’ll likely have a fixed APR (+fee) for the clearly specified duration of the “offer”. Any new purchases will likely accrue interest at the “new purchase APR” rate, and they may take away the grace period.

      I say “For better or for worse” because I accumulate *a lot* of frequent flyer miles by signing up for credit cards. These frequent flyer miles cover a ridiculous amount of free travel for me. The “worse” part is because when I got divorced, I lost my job 3 months later and didn’t have any emergency fund. I ended up with $20k in credit card debt, that I managed by flipping 0% APR balance transfers (+fee, usually 4% of balance transfer.) Just to avoid any shenanigans, I’d usually have a few cards, keep the balance transfers on one, and new purchases on another.

      If there’s something you need more help with, let me know. Caveat: Specific cards may have specific rules, and you will have to look them up yourself — not everything is one size fits all.

      1. valentine*

        Any new purchases will likely accrue interest at the “new purchase APR” rate, and they may take away the grace period.
        This. Why do they take away the grace period?

          1. valentine*

            How does it benefit them when the customer does as Dan says and keeps only balance transfers on the card?

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              They do get the balance transfer fee, which is usually 2-4-% of the balance transferred.

            2. Dan*

              A couple of different ways:

              1. If you don’t pay the BT in full by the end of the promotional period, then you start paying interest at the specified rate.

              2. If you screw up and miss payments, they can jack your APR up. It’s harder for the banks to do this than it used to be, so you only run into this if you are really negligent.

  78. happy cat*

    I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my Uno cat on Friday I’m really glad I had 18 good years with her but it just never seems to be enough time

  79. Recovering from long depression*

    I’ve posted a few times here (infrequently) about having gone through a multi-year burnout after both parents’ deaths. I’ve decided to try and embrace my hobbies a bit more. Been trying to spend a bit of time each morning doing pastel drawings, and have been trying to watch a Werner Herzog movie on Netflix if I’m at home and I feel really depressed.

    This past week was a bit tough, coming as it did after the anniversaries of both parents’ deaths. And I went through a really crappy mood trough in the middle of the week where my energy was flat and I didn’t feel like doing anything productive. But I felt better starting Thursday.

    My next challenge seems to be dealing with my feelings of inadequacy. I’m in grad school still and am working part-time at a food co-op that I really like. The people are nice, and even though I work behind a cash register, nobody’s rude to me, probably because of the geographic area I’m in. The thing is, with the delay in grad school completion that came from dealing with post-death bureaucratic BS/extreme burnout, I’ve got a bunch of friends who are already working in Teapot Engineering, and it sucks to know I’m behind the curve and am inching up on 30.

    I’m probably going to have to expose myself to more good stuff, if nothing else more art and good movies, but I know it’s gonna be tough, because I’ve gone through exactly this crap a ton of times before. Oh well.

    1. Business Librarian*

      Grief is such an energy drain. Please don’t think too much about being behind the curve. You’re still in school! And you’re working! Give yourself all the credit for being able to keep going on.

      Try to get outside for a while everyday, if you don’t already. That will help too. I hope you’re feeling better soon.

      1. Recovering from long depression*

        Thanks. I find it hard sometimes to get up and get out of my apartment, especially because it’s hot as hell outside most of the day during summer, and because my energy is just low in general. Do you know of any way I can push myself out the door easily and not roast?

        1. Business Librarian*

          My only thought and it might not be helpful is to try to get somewhere there are trees. They help me even in hot weather.

    2. AnonoDoc*

      I am hard-stopping at “inching up on 30”.

      I didn’t even start medical school until I was well into my 30s.

      There is no timeline at which you expire for graduate or professional school.

      And most certainly give yourself some compassion. All around. Sometimes life sucks, that doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      If we compare ourselves to others we will very seldom allow ourselves to win that contest.

      There is always someone better off than us. But if we are being fair minded then we also have to consider that there are many who are not as well off as we are. You could try thinking of people who have not even gotten into school yet. This might help to balance out those who seem so far ahead of you. Those who have not gotten to school are looking you and saying “wow!!”, they wanna be you.

      I read an article that said docs know our parents deaths can hit us so hard that we begin to exhibit the symptoms that will eventually kill us. My point is losing the parents is one-heckva-punch. Personally, I thought that losing my last parent was harder than losing my husband. Lots of reasons for that but I won’t digress. Now the I am pushing 60, I think that losing my last parent will probably be the hardest loss I will ever face in life.

      So in my mind you are saying, “I have gone through one of the toughest things I will ever face in life and I am beating myself up for being behind my peers.”

      Are you actually behind your peers? On the surface it seems like you are. But reality is that you have way more life experience under your belt than some of your peers. This life experience will actually serve you as you go along. Time will level out this one.

      This means it’s a matter of what to do right now. If you have not done a grief group or grief counseling I highly recommend it. Learn about the symptoms of grief, the stages of grief, the types of things we grief and all the different costumes grief wears.
      I also recommend nutritional counseling. Grief just zaps us of vitamins and minerals. If our bodies are zapped, our brains cannot be far behind.

      When my husband died, one tool I used was to tell myself to keep working toward that Better Day. I told myself “Today is lost because of all the sadness. My hope rests in building a better future.” Using this I could sometimes con myself into doing the grunt work that would allow me to have more comfort in the future. It seem to be powerful to just acknowledge “today is lost” and then I would add but tomorrow does not have to be lost also.

      If you knew for a fact that this is the toughest time in your life, right now, how would that change your outlook? You got through the parents’ illnesses and estates. You got yourself into school. You are a powerhouse. really. If you do the rest of your life like this you are going to be one very successful person. You have the skill set in place.

  80. Lucky Duck*

    Tell me about your “lucky me!” stories.

    I just got home from a looooong day of travel. Earlier, I was reading AAM during the third leg of my trip in Las Vegas and got a little spooked with the Gift of Fear thread. Not because it isn’t a must-read, but because I started getting nervous remembering the part at the beginning of the book where the woman is helped with her groceries by her neighbor (?) and he had a knife. Honestly, I haven’t read past that part yet because it scared me, but I will read the book!

    Anyway, I was traveling alone and tired and everything was delayed and I just wanted to get home. If you haven’t traveled to/from/through Las Vegas, know that their airport has slot machines. So, out of the corner of my eye, I see this slot machine and it is calling my name. I ignore the feeling for 10 minutes but finally give in. Why not? I’ll throw in $10. Well, three spins later, I won $120! Not life changing or anything, haha, but a decent ROI nonetheless.

    1. Luisa*

      This makes me think of a time I was at a bar with a slot machine (this wasn’t in the USA), and a friend of mine was playing it. He lost about $5 (I think each play was $1), then gave up. I played once, and won $100! Exciting, except that my purse and pockets were really heavy and clink-y for a while!

    2. Bagpuss*

      My friend won a holiday last year, and invited me along. Which was pretty awesome- the prize covered flights, airport transfers & bed and breakfast at a 4* hotel for a week.
      We had a great time!

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A few years back, I was getting ready for a trip to Vegas. The last day at work before I left, a group of us ordered Chinese food for lunch, and my fortune cookie fortune said “Good news lies in store!” We all cracked the requisite hitting a jackpot joke, I stuck it in the corner of my wallet, and went on with life.

      On my third day in Vegas, my traveling companions stepped aside for a cigarette after lunch, so I sat down at a penny slot to wait for them to finish. Three spins in, the graphics went bonkers and lights and sounds and holy cats I just won $2514.57 on a penny slot machine. One of the boys about dropped his cigarette down his shirt when the ruckus started.

  81. Eva and Me*

    Update: A week or so ago I posted about my elderly friend going into a nursing home and my trying to find a new home for her 8-9 yo Kitty, esp. one that didn’t involve a shelter (no kill). I got some good feedback here; however, when contacted my friend’s church to let them know about her move to the nursing home, and the church secretary, before I could even mention the topic, asked about Kitty! She knew of a possible adopter who had recently lost her cat and contacted her, and yesterday at the meet-and-greet, she decided that Kitty needed her and she needed Kitty, so Kitty went home with her! Fingers crossed it’s permanent.

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      That’s great news! A lovely match… hoping for the best for Kitty too.

  82. Looking For The Right Word*

    I’m looking for the right word that describes how the brain will find similar patterns identical. The context is knitting. Garter stitch lace looks almost the same on each side, but is not identical. However, if you put them next to each other, it’s like the brain wants to see them as identical. If you knit a Moebius strip using a garter lace stitch then at any place in the band the upper half will be Pattern side 1 and the lower half will be Pattern side 2. I’m looking for a pattern name.
    It’s not apophenia or pareidolia I think, because those impose a pattern on something that is actually random. This is imposing “identicalness”on a strong similarity.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t know that there is a specific word for that. I’m not sure whether cognitively that would be imposing a pattern or just overanchoring on similarity–that if x% is identical in some situations we don’t necessarily fill in or notice the difference. It’s the science underlying the “Find six differences” picture puzzles :-).

      It also made me think of something I read in a ballet book years ago, that context cues us to either find differences or similarities: the writer was talking about the female dancers in Balanchine’s NYCB and that when you saw them on stage they seemed all from the same mold, but if you met them at a cocktail party they’d seem like completely different women, because of what each situation coached you to look for.

      1. Looking For The Right Word*

        Thank you. That’s really helpful. It gives me another angle to search on. And a great couple of ideas I’d like to use in the pattern’s romance blurb.

    2. I hate coming up with usernames*

      Perceptual set? Top-down processing? Gestalt laws of grouping?

      1. Looking For The Right Word*

        Thank you ! Gestalt Grouping led me to: “Law of Praegnaz: (Good Figure, Law of Simplicity) “People will perceive and interpret ambiguous or complex images as the simplest form(s) possible.” This is the fundamental principle of gestalt. We prefer things that are simple, clear and ordered.” Somewhere in this area I will be able to find a good pattern name.

  83. SAHM*

    Yay for weekends! Yesterday the hubs took my car to get detailed, it’s three years old and after four kids (who magically get McDonald’s fries EVERYWHERE), it was pretty gross. Even with me shopvacing it quarterly! It looks brand new now! So excited by how clean it is! <3

    I posted a bunch of stuff to my local FB group and was able to clean out my garage, took all my bags of clothes that’ve been sitting in the garage waiting for me to do a goodwill run to the drop off, and took all the cardboard boxes to the cardboard drop off! My town has a cardboard drop off place, so anything too big for the bins goes to the drop off, looking at you amazon boxes.
    Then I took the boys to Barnes and Nobles (they still exist!) for the “build your own LEGO snitch!” event, realized I’d failed as a mother when Kiddo didn’t know what a Snitch was *face palm*. But I bought them both LEGO books and myself two board games. We ended up playing Apples to Apples and Haunt the House until Laaaaaate last night, but it’s summer! We still haven’t busted into the Catan Jr. looking forward to doing that. It’s hard to find time to do board games with the older two while the younger two are getting into everything. Especially since Baby finally decided she was going to walk a couple weeks ago! So no more crawlers! Yippppeeeeee!!!

    1. Book Lover*

      That sounds amazing. I managed to do a bit of laundry (but it is not put away) and am working on being ok with screen time for the kids after swimming twice.

  84. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

    Need your do/ do not do anecdotal recommendations for a brokerage account approach/firm.

    Unbelievably, I am finally at the point where I’m ready to move from a simple savings account, attached to my checking account, and transfer the non-emergency money into a longer term vehicle (think – retirement but I am not eligible for more tax-free investment).

    I have my retirement roth at Vanguard. I could just open a regular account there. I meet the minimum for a brokerage account. I’m not actually looking for a “savings” account, and I am actually planning to probably invest it in a very low cost exchange traded fund or mutual fund.

    I am still waffling about investing in a house in the retirement area where I will be in 6-7 years. VERY trustworthy family member has offered to property manage and maintain it for me, so I can rent it out and get a head start on the mortgage payoff. Identified which small town has the best property rental market, so that even if I get there and change my mind, I can sell it). I’m going to leave that down-payment money liquid until I make a final decision.

    But in the meantime, I want to make my long-term savings work for me. You probably already know how low the rate is on a savings account (even at my credit union)… so I know I don’t want to park it there.

    Also, psychologically, seeing it in the same bank account dashboard as my checking account makes me feel “okay” with taking a hundred here, a hundred there… and I do want and need to be adhering to my budget (outside of my plan to take care of my non-work needs better). I’m detoxing from being married to a “she has money I can spend/gamble it” spouse. I want to make deliberate choices. For me, this is equivalent to not bringing sugary snacks into the house. If there is not easy access, I have to plan and make a choice to go get that treat… and waiting makes me have a better choice-> outcome flow.

    I do feel like I can do a good job investing it once I choose a place… I have done very well with my self-directed investments inside my 403b and Roth accounts (the little I had).

    Just need a little encouragement for what not to do. My employer account (see Roth, 403b above) is with Vanguard, if that changes anything.

    1. buttrue???*

      If you are going to do the work I would stick to Vanguard or Fidelity. Anything with very low fees. Just check how redeeming works. How long it will take to get your money and any costs associated with getting it. While getting a check would be free wire transfers would likely have a fee.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        thank you! The very low fees have really helped my retirement account overall returns. I have seen the difference in just 5 years, over what my mom put her money in….

    2. fposte*

      I’ll second what buttrue says and say it more strongly. Don’t go anywhere other than Vanguard, Fidelity, or Schwab. People complain sometimes about the Vanguard interface so maybe that would keep you out of it :-).

      Just to be clear, though, first, you’re maxing out both your 403b and IRA (I figure that’s what you mean when you say “Roth account”)? You’re not eligible for a 457 in there anywhere? Because it almost always makes more sense to put more in tax-advantaged rather than invest in taxable.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        The second part is very important — I wouldn’t put money in a taxable investment if you’re not maximizing your tax-advantaged contributions. Also, you don’t want to invest money that you know you’ll need in 6-7 years, except maybe in CDs or bonds. Anything that has a higher upside is also going to be more volatile, and you could find yourself with less money than you started with right when you need it.

        But in general, Vanguard and Fidelity tend to have the lowest fees, and all you really need are index funds.

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        I just double checked – it’s a 403b. (Ours is still called a TSA – annuity – but it is a somewhat limited Vanguard fund mix menu 403b). I am just about (or did with Friday’s check) maxed even with the extra $ allowed to input for being over 50.

        We can do the contributions to the TSA or alternatively to “supplemental” account on an after tax basis (which I think is really a roth kind of thing). I did some of my $25,000 in each.

        Additionally, my employer is / will continue to put a % of my salary in an account which does not require my matching; I think there is no dollar cap on their contribution.

        You would think this would mean I am in good shape financially, but (see note about about spouse)…I’m really just getting started. (I won’t go into the back story – I think you remember it). But I am proud of what I have accomplished in a short amount of time. I just want to do as much as I can. I love the mental stimulation of the good parts of my job, but this is not a really sustainable pace, and the difference between 68 and 70 is a big one for me and retiring. so…I’m onto the next step. (Thanks for the budget advice by the way – helpful!)

        1. fposte*

          To be clear, a 457 is something you have in *addition* to a 403b and whose contribution maximum is completely separate. Often (though not always) schools and other governmental employers will have both. So if you have access to a 457, you actually have access to a whole nother $25,000 of space and should use that before you put money into taxable investments.

          If you’ve maxed out the 403b complete with 50+ space by July, you are doing *really* well, though! I just wanted to alert you that there may be more tax-advantaged space.

          1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

            On 457 – I’m about 95% sure we do not have access. (Non profit, but not school or govt). But I have an extraordinarily savvy former manager (who read Morningstar for fun, and retired very early with 30 years in post college)… I’ll check with him to be sure.

            I know I’m doing a very aggressive savings program, but… I have been supplementing my living expenses (including the very used 15 year old car I got) with selling off everything. (At one point, his beloved big screen tv, sound system, all the tools, and the Pottery Barn living room set… all gone. I was using a camping chair and folding card table to eat and boxes for furniture). I’ve recovered with continued sales, and a friend giving me a house full of used furniture left from her down size. (I kept my very few hand-made family pieces).

            The other reason for the change in lifestyle…. with starting my “catch up” so late, I cannot count on much more than – maybe – 60% of my current salary post retirement (even with that 69 year retirement age). So I need to get used to not having the lifestyle we used to have… so the transition won’t be so rough.

            Like dieting, I look at the cable tv, a new big screen, or a new car -and think – “do I want to work an extra 6 months at this job to buy this?” Even worse – that may not be an option on the other end…even if it is possible – there’s always the risk I could get forced out… my bosses are all 20 years younger, although I don’t know if they realize that. I am very careful to stay knowledgeable, viable, up to date, and relevant (and cheerful, never complaining about age, memory, pain, anything). But in my field, the focus is on the young. sigh. So I am aggressively saving just in case I don’t have any options in a year.

            1. NoLongerYoung*

              I truncated my “Dieting” analogy. One of the things that I do with eating is ask myself if it is worth the elliptical time to have a treat. With the budget, the only variable I really have is not spending, or working longer. So… if I want something, I either forgo something in my bare-bones budget, or work longer. No extra to spare. (nothing goes on the credit card that can’t be paid off in a month…and it must earn me points, too).

            2. fposte*

              If it’s a nonprofit, it’s a lot less likely, and it would be a non-governmental 457 anyway, so it doesn’t receive the same protections as a governmental 457. It’s just that a lot of people with 403bs are also in 457 land, so I figured it was worth inquiring.

              And yeah, I do a lot of work for future fposte. She’d better be grateful.

              1. NoLongerYoung*

                I appreciate this fposte very much, so I expect we will all find that the future fposte is equally grateful and wonderful.

    3. Mindovermoneychick*

      I’m ALL about Vanguard. And really I’m also all about target date funds made up of underlying index funds, especially at Vanguard because their fees are low.. I would open a regular account there, decide what this money is for (retirement or some type of mid-term savings) and put it into a target date fund that matches your goals. This is what I recommend to my clients. They have people there who’s only job is to creat the right mix of assets for a given time horizon. The average investor is not going to do a better job then their pros. The only downside is the fees on target date funds can be high, but they are quite low at Vanguard.

      Another thing I also always tell my clients is that everyone who has invested in the past 5 years or so has done well. It’s not because we are good at investing per se, it’s because the market has done well as a whole. Academic studies show the vast majority of people can’t outperform the market and are better off just investing in broad based low fee funds.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Thank you! Inside our Vanguard 403b, there’s target date funds, too. It’s just I’m retiring long after my cohort’s dates. And, I wasn’t as impressed with the returns there (and higher fees) as just the straight index funds. I have allocated everything into a basket of various index funds, not a target date fund, so far.

        I need to keep educating myself (in my copious spare cognitive space after I get done with *coughworkcough*…that’s taking over 10 hours a week day currently, leaving only eat-and-sleep room). But I know this is important.

        I had figured out the fee part for the retirement account about 5 years ago (when I had just $5,000 in it)… I researched their current offerings inside my plan, (we can look up the lippert? ratings, etc), picked the variety that I could inside the plan – covering international, growth, large cap – and then within each of those, the one with the lowest fees. Allocated everything that way. It’s bounced around a little, but I’ve done overall, better than my target fund would have. I do know I’m not better than the pros; I just didn’t want to be paying any fees at all if I could help it. (And I used their balance, basically, for the % within each segment, say 25% large cap).

        So… I figure I have done better than a savings account at least. LOL. I figure when I do retire, I won’t be touching this part of the money starting until I’m about 80… so I’ll move it into a set of target funds (80, 85, 90,and 95) with that in mind. This is the long-term care money, I hope.

  85. Pennalynn Lott*

    There’s a house in my neighborhood that was purchased and completely remodeled last year and immediately put into service as a B&B / event space / retreat center. The owners are claiming both Homestead and Disabled Vet property tax exemptions, which means they pay $0 in tax, but they don’t live there (which you need to do to be able to legally get those exemptions).

    The house is available for rent every single day of the year and, now that word has gotten out, it is booked every single weekend and multiple days during the week. The parties are loud, there are cars lining several streets, there’s trash tossed in the yard and alleyway after every event.

    We neighbors have contacted City Code, the fire marshal, the taxing authority, the state’s tax fraud department, local newspapers, the police, and our council member. All that has happened is the City Code people told them to not advertise the house as an “event space”. So they no longer use those exact words, but describe it on their website, FB page, and AirBnB page in a way that is clear it’s an event space (vs someone’s actual house they live in that they rent out when they’re on vacation).

    We’re running out of ideas. Has anyone else tackled a problem like this?

    1. Dan*

      This might be “elected official” or “get a lawyer” territory. Sadly, the normal city offices may feel that the issue is small potatoes, and on the list of fires they have to fight, at the bottom.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Thanks. The council member is the “elected official”. And, yes, we neighbors have talked about putting a pot of money together to hire a lawyer.

    2. LCL*

      See if your city and state have an ethics department, and start with the city. Right now the council member and the code bureau have some ‘splainin’ to do. All of your complaints to date may be valid, but they are unconnected.

    3. Glomarization, Esq.*

      1) How about your zoning department/board, where you may be able to report non-compliant property use of some kind? If they’re renting it out and not living in it, then they probably need some type of occupancy license that they haven’t legally obtained.

      2) Would the local parking enforcement come around if you give them a call?

      3) Your sanitation department or trash removal authority also comes to mind. Maybe they have a hotline to report illegal dumping. This comes to mind for me because I’ve lived in more than one city where you can get a ticket if you put your trash out too many hours before your collection day.

    4. Parenthetically*

      A similar thing happened with my family — some guy from another state purchased the house across the street from us with a HUD loan. He never lived in the place (despite it being a requirement of the loan to do so), then started renting it out to about 10 college guys (it was a 3-bedroom with a partially-finished basement; pretty sure there were dudes sleeping on the couches) who threw massive drunken ragers every weekend.

      FOUR HOUSES called the police non-emergency dispatch every single time they had a party. Every time. It broke up the annoying parties, and the city eventually got sick of sending squad cars out and started citing the owner. Eventually he was slapped with a big fine/threat-of-further-action combo and decided it wasn’t worth the constant hassle, and sold the place. I think with stuff like this, being hella annoying is important. You want to get to the point where you and your neighbors are calling and saying, “Yeah hi Dispatch, it’s Pennalynn again, there’s another loud party at 123 Maple with people drunk driving/parking in our driveways/causing a disturbance,” or whatever. Where you send code enforcement, zoning, and the city council a letter every time he has another event — and CC the owner. It might also be a good idea to alert the renters to the issue so that info makes its way into the reviews on Air BnB.

      1. WellRed*

        Our city has a nuisance house designation for houses that they get call on a certain amount, though not sure what happens then.

    5. university minion*

      Who is the taxing authority where you live? Here, the tax collector is separate from the city council, county commission and property appraiser, and they would be the ones interested in the homestead exemption abuse.
      Beyond that, code enforcement would handle the out-of-zoning use of the property, but if you’ve struck out with them, then what you’re doing in raising funds to hire an attorney is probably your best bet.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      If you have just been dealing with city-level folks, then bump up to county level folks. If you have been dealing with county then go to the state level.

      I think very highly of the state attorney general’s office in my state. I would be tempted to write them a letter and say, “Here’s whats going on. Here’s what we have done so far. Here is the response we have gotten. Do you have advice on where to go from here.”

    7. Lilysparrow*

      Call the police non-emergency number and report a noise violation and parking issues every single time there’s a party. If several neighbors do the same, it will help.

      Seconding the zoning issue.

      They’re probably voiding their homeowner’s insurance as well, but there’s really no way for you to get involved with that.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Gad. That sounds awful. No suggestions, unfortunately, just sympathy.

      Out of curiosity – how do you know they’re claiming these tax exemptions? (Not that I doubt you, I just wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to find out what tax exemptions my neighbors are claiming, rightly or wrongly.)

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Our county has a tax appraisal organization that hosts a site with public information about every property in the county. Most counties around here have them, and so do many in California (where my dad lives). They tend to follow the naming convention: [Name] County Appraisal District.

        So it’s right there on the website when you pull up the address that the owners are claiming the Disabled Veteran and Homestead Exemptions. And you can see that they have therefore been assessed $0 in property tax.

    9. Earthwalker*

      I read something recently about AirBnB getting involved when an AirBnB house becomes a neighborhood nuisance, since it gives them a bad name. Don’t know if a complaint to them could improve matters but it might be worth a try.

  86. Katefish*

    Hi friendly hive mind, I’m looking for side hustles that don’t require my active participation – for instance, I live in a big city and only use my car every other day (roughly), so I’m thinking of renting it out on Turo, as opposed to, say, babysitting. Of course, I don’t mind some degree of work to get things set up for the income. I got a massive tax bill (never owed before, thanks US ” Tax Cut”) and basically want to recoup it/pay student loans. Unfortunately, our house is way too small to rent, so that’s out for now, although I’m still interested in that type of thing if/when we move somewhere larger. Thanks!

  87. MOAS*

    Ok so after last weekend’s 30x the RDA for BS, I had a better weekend this time around. (Although it is still early afternoon and tonight we’re going shopping wit my mom so I don’t want to jinx it). So I took a gym class today, and I want to review it but also need advice/feedback?

    My gym offers lots of different classes and I’m allowed to go anywhere in this state, so this week I signed up for kickboxing in a town 40-50 minutes away by car. I drove 45 minutes, woke up early (on a Sunday!) and got there with 15 min to spare. I wanted to go in 10-15 min early but a woman stopped me to compliment my hair and w e were talking about hair for a few minutes.

    The class itself was alright. Start time was 10:00, I got there 9:59 and it was in full swing. So over hte years I’ve figured out that –f or me only –it’s 85% mental. So, even though I was easily the (biggest/fattest/most uncoordinated/clumsy/every other negative self talk), I just didn’t have the crappy self consciuos feeling I normally do (it probably also has to do with the fact that this was 45 minutes away and if I made an ass of myself I could just easily never come back). So, I had signed up thinking it was kickboxing with punhcing bags and gloves, but it was actually more cardio kickboxing. It was VERY similar to what I did in my Tae Bo class in HS. So while I remembered some of the moves, I had really bad form and couldn’t keep up. But I saw others (the older ones) who were modifying some of the moves and the instructor was also saying how to modify some moves if we couldn’t do them (likejust squat instead of jumping squats etc).

    So, on one hand, i really liked that I wasn’t called out for bad form, or being slow (I am teh WORST with compound movements), or whatever, like I had been w/ other instructors. But simultaneously I wish I could have gotten more feedback on my form/posture. Although I think if I were to go in 10-15 minutes early or stay a little later I could talk to an instructor maybe?

    anyways so that was my experience with the class today. Now, since I can go anywhere, I’m torn between experimenting nad going to different classes (next week is Zumba 30 minutes away) or create a weekend routine and go to this class every time so I can have better form and endurance. During the week, I have a solid routine (cardio, weights, abs), so I like to keep weekends to experiment (both with location and type of class). Thoughts?

    1. Lilysparrow*

      If you’re torn, then you’re not ready to commit to this class and forgo trying others. So try others.

      When you find one you like, you won’t be so torn. Then make a routine out of it.

      1. MOAS*

        Good point. the drive did tire me out. It’s a shame, cz these people seemed nice (although maybe “not being singled out rudely” as a plus point shows kind of how low my standards are which is a whole other thing).

        I’m just worried that whatever class I go to, if i just do the one class, I won’t be able to refine it if that makes sense?

        1. Lilysparrow*

          Do you mean you won’t be giving it enough of a chance to get good at it?

          I think you’re putting a lot of emotional stakes on something that doesn’t warrant it. If you like the class well enough to want to get good at it, then keep going. If it doesn’t capture your interest, try something else and maybe circle back to it later if you want to give it another try.

          You’re not being graded by some cosmic exercise judge with a clipboard: “Hm. MOAS didn’t commit enough to fully exploring extra Saturday exercise classes. She is an Exercise Dilettante. Tsk tsk. She gets an F in Trying Hard. She obviously doesn’t Deserve to Be Healthy or Happy.”

          Or vice versa: “Hm, MOAS settled for the first class she liked instead of seeking out the One True Class. She has failed!”

          You’re doing this for enjoyment and to feel good. Your muscles and heart and metabolism don’t care which class you go to, or how many times you repeat the same one. They are just happy you’re moving. So do what you enjoy and what feels good.

          1. MOAS*

            Yeah, that I won’t be able to improve my form or endurance or skills.

            I liked the class but I just want to explore more options. I liked it but I think I want to explore more options.

            I’ve followed the advice tha any exercise is good exercise…

    2. View To A Thrill*

      I’d always recommend trying something a few times before making a decision. It’s really hard to judge something on a one-off. Maybe go for four week then evaluate how it’s working for you?

    3. Alex*

      I’ve been to those kinds of gym kickboxing classes, and I like them, even though I too am usually the fattest/most uncoordinated. But who cares?

      But then I bit the bullet and signed up for *real* kickboxing at a kickboxing gym, and I LOVE IT. If you’re looking for more instruction on form, and wanting to actually punch/kick with gloves, I’d highly recommend seeing if you can swing it (it’s a little pricey, but I tell myself it’s worth it because it makes me feel SO good and it is exercise).

      I don’t think you’ll get the kind of individualized attention you’re looking for at a cardio kick class, just because they are so fast paced they don’t really have space for the teacher to stop and correct someone, or even to really notice that someone needs correction. IME, those classes just go start to finish without much stopping, because they are on a music track.

      I mean, I’m really not knocking cardio kickboxing classes–I find them fun and great exercise! But actual kickboxing, with gloves, is SO MUCH MORE FUN.

  88. Me*

    Sooooooooooo.
    I’m listing this place. I talked to my neighbor (I’ll call her Pearl) today, the one who has the former carer (I’ll call her Fergusina) living with her with the noisy dogs, and she said she has been a good roommate except for her pets and she has given her an ultimatum that they have to go. Apparently, they’re also chewing everything to bits!

    Pearl had also considered buying my place and renting it to Fergusina. The backyard is fenced and the little stinkers could have the run of it. The house isn’t great, but it’s livable, plus all the appliances are staying here. This would solve both our problems. Also, it could probably be done pretty quickly, and when I told her what they were going to list it for, she said, “That’s doable.”(!) If Fergusina decided to move out, she could rent it to someone else or have family in or even knock it down and expand her own property, something she had also considered.

    This will probably be a much better deal for Pearl than for me, but I just can’t stay here any longer. And I need the house money to go anywhere. Since my awesome sibling offered to store my crap for nothing, if I happen to find a job out of state, I can just bail and come back later for my stuff. I’m letting 80% of my furniture go, plus anything that’s replaceable. What’s left will mostly be books, media, electronics, and my art/craft stuff (I’m still dreaming of a studio like the one in Hereditary ; all that work space and storage, oh man).

    I’m surprised by how much my pack-ratty ass has let go. Remember when I said crafts stuff was going to be the toughest? It has been, but I kept ONE tiny assembled dolls house, consolidated FIVE BOXES into two large plastic tubs and one small one, and didn’t have to get rid of any minis at all. I’m so proud of myself, haha. I still have some roomboxes, but that isn’t a big deal. And my nerd group took two carloads of stuff yesterday for our fundraising yard sale. I’d much rather let my group benefit from it than have to screw around with anything more than the quick and dirty furniture/moving sale.

    The realtors are coming to take pics tomorrow. Eep! I’ve got a lot to do and I’m so frickin tired. Ugh. I don’t want to get off the sofa. I have to because the trash pickup is tomorrow and I want to curb some stuff so people will take it.

    1. fposte*

      It’s a big change for you, that’s for sure, but it sounds like you’re putting your ducks in a row and the sale to a neighbor seems like a really good option, so fingers crossed. Good wishes to you!

      1. Me*

        Thanks!
        It’s a huge, hard reset, but I think it would be a great option for everyone. It would cut out some of the time it takes to sell. Plus, even if she bought it quickly, I’m sure she would be okay with me being here until I could get packed and moved. I don’t really want to go to my mum’s, but at least that has been worked out and will only be temporary until I either find a job there or decide to go elsewhere.

        THIS BETTER BE WORTH IT

        1. Not a cat*

          Sounds like the everything is coming together! I am happy for you Elizabeth! Best Wishes!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Wow, this is a big break for you. I wish you the absolute best outcome here. I hope things start going much, much better for you now.

    6. Overeducated*

      That’s so exciting! I hope it sells fast and you have money and freedom for your move!

        1. Me*

          I will be the nerd in her mother’s basement. Literally. :(

          If you want to cross your fingers for something, do it for the creative mentorship I applied to. That would get me back to CA.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Credit yourself for your hard work to get yourself to this stage. Many good wishes for your future endeavors. Count me as one more person cheering you on from cyberspace.

    10. Anono-me*

      Wow, you are getting a lot done.

      Have you considered asking the realtor for a special reduction in her fees if you sell to your neighbor in the next 4 or 5 days?

      Good luck.

      1. Me*

        That’s a good idea. They already know my situation and that I need to get as much as I can. If the house were in better shape, I could sell it for more. Houses in this neighborhood are going for more these days, and there have been a few slight improvements in the neighborhood. But I was never able to fix it up. :(

      2. Rusty Shackelford*

        Was coming here (late) to post this. A family member had a clause in her contract that specified that if she sold her house to specific (named) people who had been interested before she signed up with the realtor, her commission was either greatly reduced or eliminated altogether; can’t remember exactly.

        1. Me*

          Well, I already signed the paperwork. But Pearl said she would call her realtor and have her call mine.
          I already told mine I can’t pay them anything out of pocket, so I need to get as much as I possibly can. I moved in here without a down payment (first-time buyer in 2002 when anyone could get a house) and the house is being sold as-is.

  89. Not putting my usual name on these.*

    Dropped my son off with his dad before. I left him over 18 months ago and we’ve been divorced 8 months.
    We had to sort out some details about when son is where over the hols and ended up sitting outside his house (son was inside) chatting about the details but then just a bit generally about everything.
    And it was nice chatting to him, and that sucks.
    He was emotionally abusive, he’s a mean person, he’s said to me out loud that he’s emotionally blackmailed his new gf into meeting me (long story which started when he told me she wanted to meet me, which was a lie), he has no integrity.
    He messed me around about so many things.
    He told me for 20 years that he hated cats and I couldn’t have one and now his new gf has a cat and he appears to love mine (he’s only met them because of our son).

    This all just sucks. I don’t want to have to talk to him. I don’t want to have part of my brain enjoying talking to him. I want to never speak to him again. He’s a bastard.

    Moral support would be great if anyone has any but advice would be even better. Ftr I’ve had a lot of great support in unpicking the emotional abuse and a lot of therapy. But I’m almost too ashamed to admit this bit.

    And don’t worry I keep my guard well up while talking to him.

    1. Not putting my usual name on these.*

      I’ve done a lot to extend my social circle and that helps but gawd I wish I could manage to start dating. It would really help if I could find somewhere else to focus my energy. I don’t find my ex attractive at all but he knows my backstory and I don’t have to explain history to him. I miss that.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Ugh, my sister-in-law was, until recently, in this same boat. Her Darth Vader ex can be perfectly pleasant when he wants to be, and they had several years of cordial joint custody dropoffs during which they had nice, normal chats. It was so confusing for her, not because she had feelings for him, but because she knew he was a cheat and a thief and a shitbag, but he was also one of the few people who Knew her Like That, and plus now here he was being all considerate and nice and normal and it was fine and pleasant and wtf?

      It’s emotional incongruence, and being freaked out by it is totally normal. It sucks that you have to interact with him, but good on you for keeping your guard up. You can have polite and pleasant interactions with a stranger and not have it mean anything. Can you pretend he’s been bodysnatched and the person who knows you is long gone, and here’s his avatar, with only Dad energy remaining in him? Or can you see the pleasant interactions as an offering of love to your son?

      Best wishes for you.

      1. Not putting my usual name on these.*

        Even just knowing this is A Thing helps. Thank you <3

        One day son will be old enough that I don't have to interact with him this regularly. I cannot wait.

    3. fposte*

      You wouldn’t have been attracted to him initially if there weren’t things to be attracted to. If bastards were nothing but bastards they’d be less of a problem.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        +1 Truth… and one easy to lose sight of. Nothing is completely black and white. You always have good adviceor pithy words of wisdom….

    4. sum of two normal distributions*

      I get where you are coming from, but from a minor way (no marriage or kids). I worked with an emotionally manipulative ex (in separate departments but interact often) and had to talk to him nearly everyday for work. He was easy to talk to and I hated not being able to recall “this is a scumbag” when he was being all the things that made me fall initially with the added power of familiarity. I came out of the interactions feeling crappy, like he ‘won’ somehow by getting me to enjoy talking to him.

      My advice if you are truly done with this man as anything other than ‘father of my child and I only care about him as it directly relates to my child’s health & happiness’? Let yourself enjoy the conversation – remind yourself to keep it short and keep it focused as much as you can about your child/custody. You aren’t at fault for enjoying the company of someone skilled to be manipulative that you once shared a life with. Just remind yourself them being charming is another attempt to hook you and this is just more of the same.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      I have had to deal with some people as clients at my work that I objectively knew were awful. Horrible, lying, cheating, manipulative, amoral bastards of all genders. Many of them were perfectly charming and pleasant to deal with in a work capacity. And you know what? That made my task easier.

      He is probably making the choice to be pleasant precisely because he knows that he has no power over you anymore, and if he’s unpleasant, he won’t get what he wants. He’s not being nice because he’s nice. He’s being nice because it serves his purposes.

      That’s okay. It still makes your tasks that much easier. Why should you be miserable every time you do a handoff or plan vacations? You shouldn’t. You are going to have to do personal/logistical business with this guy on a regular basis until your son is grown. It might as well be as pleasant and as low-stress as possible.

      1. Not putting my usual name on these.*

        … he knows that he has no power over you anymore, and if he’s unpleasant, he won’t get what he wants. He’s not being nice because he’s nice. He’s being nice because it serves his purposes.
        I’d thought most of the way through this but not right to the end. Yep, he knows he’s lost his power over me. Every so often he tries to manipulate me again and I kind of love it when he does because it’s so transparent now, I can see behind the curtain and I think he knows. But seeing the low-level nice conversations as prep work for the attempts at manipulation actually helps.

        All these comments are really helpful and I’m glad I posted but this one in particular, thank you Lilysparrow.

        1. valentine*

          Everything he does is to serve his purposes and you are right to be wary. It’s okay to enjoy anything resembling kindness, though, and you can take the win of any positive, or at least not negative, interaction, even if it means he wins, too. Think of it this way: Easy Ex is a package deal. Not Ex? Not Easy. So if you want easy, he needs to stay an ex.

          If someone’s willing to dropoff/pickup for you, especially someone he wouldn’t try to seduce/turn against you, I think that’s ideal.

  90. How To Stop A Cat*

    I suspect there might be nothing but coming to terms with this. But: how do I stop my kittens going to onto my kitchen surfaces?

    I can cope with them everywhere else but there :-|

    1. Shell*

      When I first got kittens, I lined the edges of my counters with empty soda cans, so that if they jumped up, the cans would fall and make loud, scary noises. It mostly worked, but I did have to leave the cans there for about a month, which didn’t do much for the usability of the kitchen.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      How much counter space are you trying to keep clear?

      Foil can work, slightly crinkled so it’s not just laying flat. Tape, sticky-side-up. I put empty cardboard boxes along the edge of my counters the first time we were gone overnight so they didn’t think it looked as accessible (though the one I was worried about has only one eye, so she’s not so much for the vertical anyway). Squirt bottle, if they do it when you’re around. Cats don’t like citrus; use an orange scented cleaner? (Never tried that one, just a thought.) If you don’t have a lot of space to cover, one or two of those doormats with little soft rubber spikes – again, a texture deterrent. There’s pressure mats you can get that make a noise or puff out a puff of air, but I have no idea how well those work or how much they cost.

    4. fposte*

      Sometimes it can help to have an allowable place of height in the kitchen, if there’s room for a cat tree. The kitchen is a high-value and exciting room, and they’re going to want to be at a decent height there. It may be easier to redirect that pull to “their spot” than to try to block it entirely.

    5. SciDiver*

      I’ve had success in the past with spray bottles of water strategically placed around the house and kitchen: if cat jumps up, they get a squirt to the face! Has kept our cat of 14 years off the counters almost entirely, after a little bit you need only make the bottle visible and they jump down, eventually they stop trying to explore countertops.

  91. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    I woke up with a weird foreboding feeling today of weird sadness. Then…
    1. My shoe broke (hubs drove up and got a newer pair tg so I could continue my walk)
    2. Why juveniles think it’s fun to hurl a 7-11 big gulp bottle the size of my head down a 200 ft public transit escalator and hit my wrist I will never understand. Especially since the operator knows, is super pissed at them, guarding the escalator, oh & there are cameras everywhere (I’m ok just rattled)….#cantcurestupid They could’ve seriously injured someone!

    I feel like today is a death wish…:/

    2. WellRed*

      Do you thinl they’ll catch the little brats? Imagine if it had been.a highway overpass and you a driver at 70mph.

      1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Maybe…when I told the operator, she went through the turnstile to the bottom of the elevator (the big gulp plastic bottle was still on the floor) plus the punks were halfway down the gigantic 230 ft escalator with nowhere to go but down.

        Luckily I was wearing a hat and solid sunglasses. What if I’d held my little cousin’s hand and it hit her head? I hope they get fined and/or karma wins.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      what a horrible feeling – of being hit out of the blue. It breaks trust with your sense of right and the universe… sending hug.

  92. OG Karyn*

    Little late to the party again but I need kitty advice.

    As some of you know, the last month has been very stressful. I broke up with my boyfriend and had to move out on short notice and took the cats with me. We are now living temporarily with my parents, who have eight cats of their own, and now my six (we have a big house, thankfully, and a cleaning service). Now, my cats and I lived here for five years before moving out, and we only lived in the apartment with my ex for six months before having to move back in. Obviously this has been stressful for my cats, but they’ve all adapted – except poor Hogan.

    Hogan is a nervous cat in the best of circumstances, but since we moved back here, he’s gotten terrified of everything. He hides constantly, he acts like he’s going to be hurt every time you come near him, and, most disturbingly, he has recently started pooping outside the box. We have plenty of litter boxes, covered and uncovered, in multiple rooms of the house. I even bought him a brand new one. We clean them twice a day. I’ve bought Feliway, I’ve used Rocco & Roxie/Nature’s Miracle to clean the spots, I’ve kept his food consistent. All to no avail. He continues to poop under the kitchen table and in my bedroom.

    The poop started out liquid, so I took him to the vet. She diagnosed IBS, and gave him an antibiotic, an anti-diarrhea pill, and anti-nausea and vitamin B shots that I give him at home now. We also tried a course of ativan for anxiety, but that seemed to make the pooping situation worse. Since putting him on the vitamin B and the other medications, the poop seems to have gotten slightly less watery, but he’s still going outside the box. So now I’m quarantining him in my bedroom with a new litter box, water, food, and a bed, just to see if I can retrain him. But I’m at my wits’ end. I know this isn’t fun for him and that he’s probably feeling awful, but I don’t know what to do. Maybe giving him the meds is making him MORE stressed? Maybe there’s some magic thing out there I can give him to make him feel more at ease? The Feliway doesn’t seem to do much but I’m willing to keep trying it. I just don’t know how to help, and I feel so awful for him.

    1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      Calming collars may help nd maybe kitty prozac. What he needs now mainly is time.

  93. OG Karyn*

    Alison, I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet kitty. You undoubtedly gave her a wonderful life and I’m sure that over the bridge, she’s frolicking in a pile of bedding. :)

  94. Trixie*

    Refocusing my savings goals with a new planner to better track my spending. I had pretty much adjusted watching my spending online through my account. Taking a few months to physically track spending/savings on paper will be a good exercise at this point. Creating mini-visualization pages to keep my focused on IRAs, emergency spending, etc. If I decide I like this new process and find it helpful/relaxing, I may indulge in an Erin Condren planner next year. For now, I found a great Happy Planner bargain and picked up a few fun pieces to get me started.

    TBH, since I started working regularly again a few years ago I was comfortable with my spending habits. Never so much on clothes or shopping but keeping that “allowance” for eating eat. This may not change but may help tweak my habits to refocus on savings/retirement goals.

  95. LuJessMin*

    So, I backed my car into another car while shopping last Wednesday. Totally my fault, insurance will pay for repairs to other car, but I was looking at a $1K deductible in getting my car fixed (big dent in bumper). I took it to the collision center associated with the dealership where I take my car for routine maintenance, asked them if they could just pop the dent out (I didn’t care about it being perfect, car is 11 years old). Five minutes later, dent is gone at no charge. Big load off my mind.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      That may be an adequate cosmetic fix but from a safety standpoint, your bumper is now compromised and won’t necessarily do its job next time. It’s similar to how you’re supposed to replace a bike helmet after a fall. If it has experienced an impact, it’s done. It’s not possible to know how compromised it is without removing it. Just popping out the dent makes it look fine, but doesn’t mean it is fine.

      2. Mechanically minded*

        Yeah, it might be fine but it might not, and you won’t know until it fails to do its job and you (or someone else) get hurt. Or worse. :/

        Hopefully whoever you saw at the collision centre is a qualified mechanic who has adequately assessed the damage and is confident there’s no underlying structural problem, and has assured you that the bumper is fully functional and completely safe. But if not, please see a good qualified mechanic ASAP.

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