weekend free-for-all – July 20-21, 2019 by Alison Green on July 20, 2019 This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.) Book recommendation of the week: Supper Club, by Lara Williams. Two women create a subversive supper club where they indulge in ways they didn’t predict. It’s about friendship and food and the space you take up, and it’s dark and smart and funny and moving and I loved it. * I make a commission if you use that Amazon link. You may also like:all of my 2018 book recommendationsall of my 2017 book recommendationsall of my 2015 and 2016 book recommendations { 1,449 comments }
RemingtonTypeType* July 20, 2019 at 1:19 am What are some tricks you’ve found to sleep through the night? I wake up frequently starting at about 3am. I have white noise for peace and a ceiling fan for air. I’ve tried medicines that help you fall asleep, but I can’t find a way to STAY asleep. Help!
buttrue???* July 20, 2019 at 1:27 am How warm is the bedroom. You sleep better if it’s below 70 F (try for 65). But you want to make sure your feet are warm but not hot. You need your body temperature to go down to sleep and your feet are the way that happens. If your feet are cold when you go to sleep you will wake up. I use a sheet blanket folded to slide my feet into. It’s not heavy and helps me keep/get my feet warm while not heating up the rest of me. Also what are you drinking during the evening/day? The more caffeine I drink and the closer to bedtime I do it will disrupt my sleep.
Lena Clare* July 20, 2019 at 1:34 am +1 for the temperature. Being cooler definitely helps me. I came on here to say “insomnia sucks”. I’ve been awake most of the night. I have an eye cover which helps keep the light out and some foam earplugs to help cut out the sound of birdsong so I don’t wake up too early. They help somewhat. Otherwise, a nap during the afternoon has to do.
Washed Out Data Analyst* July 20, 2019 at 11:28 am Second this. I have trouble staying asleep too and lowering the AC at night really helps. Other things that have worked for me: – Eliminating my afternoon coffee – Generally staying active and going on walks, so I don’t have pent up energy by the time I go to bed
TooTiredToThink* July 20, 2019 at 12:01 pm While I don’t lower my AC as much as the others do; I will say that I have it programmed 2 degrees colder (to 74) at night because I sleep so hot and that keeps me from waking up because I am too hot. If you are finding that you are waking up to use the restroom; please, please, talk to your doctor. Otherwise; there is a thing that is legit – there’s an article out there that indicates that our ancestors used to sleep in shifts – that they’d sleep a few hours; be awake for a few hours, and then sleep again. I’ve talked to a few people that are like this – and one piece of advice is that if this is you; is maybe to just embrace it and see if that helps – maybe falling asleep a little bit earlier and changing your morning routine so that if you need to sleep a little later you can. Google ancestors slept in two shifts for articles about it. But I’m thinking that part of the issue is stress about not staying asleep which might be keeping you from relaxing.
ThatGirl* July 20, 2019 at 12:53 pm Getting up to pee once is not really alarming, I do that maybe 2x a week if I’ve had too much water before bed. Definitely I like cooler temps at night, though for the sake of our electric bill it’s at 71, and never quite gets that cool upstairs.
Jack Russell Terrier* July 20, 2019 at 5:14 pm Can you put in a ceiling fan? This might not help with your home’s configuration but we have one at the top of the stairs and it made a huge difference.
ThatGirl* July 20, 2019 at 5:27 pm Not easily, or we would have already — there’s not a ceiling light fixture so we’d need an electrician and new wiring. It’s on my list of “someday home improvements”.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 3:34 pm Actually, that article is not all that well sourced. The 8 hour work day may be a modern thing, but the practice of being up during the entire day ansd working through it is not at all a new thing. Even in areas where mid-day was simply too hot to work didn’t quite have the kind of schedule that the article claims. Having said that, napping during the day could be surprisingly helpful, especially in conjustciotn with some tweaks to your night-time sleep schedule.
Gir* July 20, 2019 at 1:40 am Following because I’m a night owl trying to live in the morning person’s world. If the world could operate between 7pm and 11am, and I’d be a much more productive person. I have to force myself to go to bed. Otherwise, next thing I know it’s 3am and I have to wake up in a few hours. On occasion, during the weekend, I’ve caught myself awake at 5am like it was nothing.
Marzipan* July 20, 2019 at 1:55 am I’ve always woken up throughout the night, but (unless I’m very stressed and anxious at the time) I actually quite like it! At those anxious times, I’ve found that having very gentle music playing in the background is better than white noise. I have a playlist of film soundtracks for the purpose, played at a very quiet volume. a) I’ve listened to them when going to sleep for so many years that they’re like a form of post-hypnotic suggestion at this point; b) if I’m overthinking things I can consciously tune in to listening to the music instead; and c) I find music helps to combat my sense that I laid awake for hoooouuuuurs because it often turns out that I went back to sleep much more quickly than I perceived myself as having done.
Bibliovore* July 20, 2019 at 2:03 am I know I am supposed to read and not be on a device when I can’t sleep but here I am.going to watch another episode of Veronica Mars. I know not to do that either. Such a rebel.
All Hail Queen Sally* July 20, 2019 at 2:24 am Just today on the Dr. Oz show, they talked about a plastic film covering for phones that reduces the “blue light” that interferes with sleep some 80%.
German Girl* July 20, 2019 at 3:37 am You can also use an app for that. The one I use is called twilight and it really helps. You can set the times when you want the display to be darker and less blue and it’ll turn on automatically every evening.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 20, 2019 at 10:14 am I use f.lux, which gradually adjusts the red/blue balance on my laptop for our local sunrise and sunset.
Washed Out Data Analyst* July 20, 2019 at 11:29 am Most devices allow you to switch to ‘night mode’ in their settings, which allows to view screens minus the blue light. I have mine set to be at night mode at all times because it helps with eye strain.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 3:39 pm It’s pretty easy to do this automatically on most devices, and it avoids the issues that a lot of these screens have. Most newer phones have the capacity to turn the filter on automatically. If yours doesn’t (or has issues) you can get an app called Twitlight. There is a free version and a version with some more features that you pay for. I really liked the free version – enough that I paid for it and then discovered that the additional features were quite nice. On Windows f.lux works like a charm. If you’re sitting at your computer at sundown, you’ll actually see the colors on your computer change. The only downside is that you really don’t want to do any graphics work that requires really accurate color representation while in this mode.
SheLooksFamiliar* July 20, 2019 at 2:27 pm Yeah, devices are a challenge. I love my Kindle but didn’t love the loose charging port. Now I use a magnetic cable, and it has a remarkably bright LED light. Ever since I got it, I’ve had problems staying asleep through the night. Now I charge my Kindle in another room, and keep it in night mode when I read. Problem solved. People who know more than me say our devices cause more sleep challenges than we think. Phones, pads, e-readers, TVs, and even clock radios throw out enough light to mess with our sleep cycles.
KEWLM0M* July 21, 2019 at 9:20 pm I have a Kindle Fire that I have not been able to use in over a year because of the loose receptacle for the charging cord. Is that the issue you were able to overcome with the magnetic charging cord?
XYZ* July 20, 2019 at 2:08 am Are you dehydrated? I will wake up if I get too dehydrated during the night from not drinking enough, of course the key is to make sure you don’t drink so much you wake up because you have to use the restroom. For me keeping a water bottle near my bed, and drinking some right before I go to sleep and anytime I do wake up helps me sleep longer
NoLongerYoung* July 20, 2019 at 2:43 am I don’t sleep soundly through the night, but get up several times – and 99% of the time I go back to sleep: * I do make it a point to go back to bed and to NOT look at my phone when I wake up (generally I visit to the bathroom just in case – I have no idea if this is a good or bad idea, but I drink a lot of water). Others say if you can’t get back to sleep in a certain amount of time, get up and stay up… but I have found (just me) that if I address what is worrying me and talk to self (see next point), I can usually move past it. Plus, I did read somewhere that you do need to be horizontal for a certain number of hours – it’s good for your heart, leg circulation, etc. So I will rest and close my eyes (I pray sometimes). I am working on feeling the actual feelings, not avoiding them, so staying with them and scribbling them down in the dark on the note pad, is not a bad thing. (even if illegible in the morning). * I learned this from my mom (and other sources have said it too)… I keep a notepad by my bed, and if I wake up and am worried about something, I write it down. And tell brain – okay, it’s on your list, you can let go of it… that does help. And then remind myself I do “not” solve it by worrying about it. * I wear an eye cover. * I discovered when we used to camp, that I slept like a log when I was relatively cool and there was no blue light, no ambient light, no light at all. So I do not turn on lights when I get up in the night, and have no laptop, computer, or any blue lights at all in the bedroom. Clock radio face turned to the wall. Even the nightlights in the hall (motion activated) are not bright. This plus eye shade helps a LOT. * I stop caffeine at noon * It does help if I exercise mildly (I walk the dog 30+ minutes in the evening) and stop all electronics an hour before my bedtime. * I try to make myself wake up the same time every morning, weekend or not. (I got to the earlier time by getting up 5 minutes earlier every morning). * I eat more than 2 hours before bed time. * Fan/ temperature is a big deal, the others are right. * Research “Sleep hygiene”
Lena Clare* July 20, 2019 at 11:50 am I love this advice! I take screenshots of all the answers I love in the AAM free-for-alls, and my phone is CHOCK full of them. I actually don’t know what I’m going to do when I run out of space :)
KayDay* July 20, 2019 at 3:26 am I don’t really know how to force your body to stay asleep, but as for falling back asleep, the two tricks I use are: first, try not to open your eyes, look at the clock or anything…try this for roughly 20-30 ish minutes (but really, you shouldn’t be paying attention to how long your doing it for, just go with your gut). If that doesn’t work, then try getting out of bed. Sometimes a change of location helps and I will fall asleep on my couch. Other-times, if I feel more awake, I just stop trying to fall asleep and do something not-too-stimulating (reading, netflix (I know blue-light bad), or playing an easy game). Basically, the idea is to stop obsessing over trying to fall back asleep.
Themouthinthesouth* July 20, 2019 at 3:27 am Dude. I had been having trouble sleeping for a few months, it snowballed until it was interfering with my job performance. I added an eye mask and a melatonin… the melatonin didn’t help but the eye mask is a total game changer. I thought I kept my room dark, but it obviously wasn’t. It’s SOOOO much easier to stay still enough to wind down, and I, who have had issues with insomnia all of my life, have been passing out within 15 minutes. I seem to pull it off in my sleep because I wake up with it on the floor. I just got home from work (Tales of the Cocktail, whoo), but I bet I’ll be in dreamland by 3.
Clisby* July 20, 2019 at 4:21 pm I don’t have insomnia, but do tend to wake up a couple of times during the night. I’ve noticed that when we vacation somewhere that’s really DARK at night (no streetlights, no neighbors) I sleep more soundly. An eye mask or blackout curtains would be worth trying for anyone with insomnia.
Lilian* July 21, 2019 at 6:51 pm Second the eye mask and blackout curtains, without those I definitely wake up as soon as a tiny ray of light gets into the room.
so and so* July 20, 2019 at 3:38 am As a person with sleep disorders (walking, talking, everything else), nothing has worked and I’m just exhausted constantly. I have a very physical outdoor job and sometimes I can just fall asleep. Works so far I guess.
Scandinavian in Scandinavia* July 20, 2019 at 5:03 am Try look up bimodal sleep – it is completely normal to sleep for a certain amount of time, be awake some, and then sleep again. It may be more natural for you.
Asenath* July 20, 2019 at 5:43 am Yes, I found that just accepting that I wake up in the night for a while is more helpful than trying to “fix’ it so I don’t wake up. Obviously, if there’s some reason for waking up – stress, maybe causing bad dreams; need to drink or use the toilet; getting out of a regular routine – that should be dealt with, but if everything is going well, you’re waking up when you need to to work, and going to sleep (for the first time) in the evening when you’re tired, waking during the night isn’t always a problem.
Courageous cat* July 20, 2019 at 1:18 pm I see this a lot and while it makes sense, it seems like such unrealistic advice for (most of) us who have to wake up early for a job, though.
Asenath* July 20, 2019 at 6:01 pm Well, I’m usually up for the day at 5:30 AM – and I wake in the night. But I go to bed very early – 9 PM or so. It’s quite possible to wake up during the night and still wake up early for the day – as long as you get to bed early enough the night before.
Clisby* July 21, 2019 at 1:21 pm Yes, my husband has had insomnia since he was a child, and still sometimes gets up for awhile around 1-2 a.m. He and I are both normally in bed well before 9 p.m. (I don’t have insomnia, but my ideal is to get 8-10 hours of sleep a night. I love to sleep.)
Venus* July 20, 2019 at 5:13 am I have a co-worker who has celiac disease and it affected her sleep. Once she cut out gluten she changed from 3 to 8 hours of sleep. This is an extreme result, but I mention it in case it helps someone.
Julia* July 20, 2019 at 6:46 am Calm (the app) just recently came up with a meditation exercise just for those times. Other than what everyone else suggested (especially the writing stuff down and no caffeine after lunch), I read somewhere that counting backwards from 100 helps, and for me it actually does some nights.
Kat* July 21, 2019 at 9:35 am Second calm!! In addition the the meditations for that, there are great sleepcasts that are a soothing voice talking about a random boring story… one is describing an adorable snowy village, one is describing a town of cats, etc. Sounds weird but it’s SO GOOD.
cat socks* July 20, 2019 at 7:24 am I’ve started taking CBD gummies. I find it helps me get a solid nights sleep. I try to stop drinking liquids a couple of hours before bed,otherwise I have to get up to pee.
Elf* July 20, 2019 at 7:54 am Weighted blanket!!! I actually use a toddler sized blanket that I put just onto my torso. I got it fro Salt of the Earth weighted gear, and they let you custom fill by the weight you want, so mine is five pounds, which is heavier than they would likely make it for a toddler. Works wonders!
Madge* July 20, 2019 at 8:41 am Most people wake up several times during the night. It’s part of a natural sleep cycle. The problem you’re having is falling back asleep. Most people are only drifting into wakefulness for a second and go right back to sleep. It might help to reframe what’s happening and what you’re trying to do. You’re not trying to stay asleep, you’re trying to fall back asleep. What if you were to get up and do a quiet activity for 20 minutes and then go back to bed? Often a change of scenery helps me. If you have a spare bed or a couch you can move to. One time I reoriented myself on the bed with my head where my feet normally go. I have a rule that if I’m still awake at 2 I move to the guest bed or couch. I also have a rule that if I’m awake then I need to be up. No matter how much sleep I got the night before. I can lounge on the couch all day and take all the naps I want, but as soon as I’m awake I must change into day clothes and get out of bed. That often snaps me out of an insomnia streak. One thing I’m working on now is my attitude. I don’t like to go to bed and go to sleep; I think because it’s boring and unrewarding. I’m trying to convince myself that I like sleep and I like bedtime. Right now I’m just using self talk but I plan to explore this more and see if it helps.
Alexandra Lynch* July 20, 2019 at 8:58 am I haven’t read down the thread, but weighted blanket. Weighted blankets make me relax and sleep deeper.
Angwyshaunce* July 20, 2019 at 9:00 am As a point of interest, you may want to research “segmented sleep”. It is believed that sleeping through the night is a relatively recent development – in olden times, people would sleep for a while, get up and do stuff, then sleep some more. I’m not sure of this will help you, but it may lead to some insights.
misspiggy* July 20, 2019 at 9:07 am If you’re waking up more than two or three times a night, try melatonin. You can start at a very low dose, ie 1mg, and work your way up. More will probably be needed in the summer.
Earthwalker* July 20, 2019 at 10:18 am Fresh air is important to the sleep of a large percentage of us (and I’m one). I read recently about studies of carbon dioxide build-up in closed bedrooms and wondered if that was the reason. I wake often feeling like I’m choking if I don’t have an open window and sometimes a fan to help the air get in. When I wake in the middle of the night and can’t get to sleep, I turn on an audiobook with a quiet reader. Audible – the audiobook service from Amazon – has a phone app and a subscription service, but you can borrow audiobooks free using the Libby app with your library card.
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 11:16 am For going back to sleep… it’s not 100% but I’m finding that I can fall back to sleep if I move to the sofa. Something about lowering my body temperature fast, if I’m not mistaken. My husband hates it but it’s better than having me cranky in the morning.
HamlindigoBlue* July 20, 2019 at 11:27 am Other than what you’re already doing, blackout curtains help a lot.
Anon for now* July 20, 2019 at 12:22 pm White noise doesn’t work for me. I generally put on an audiobook (at lowish volume) that I have listened to before and enjoyed. It gives me something to focus on that isn’t so engrossing I stay awake.
Chaordic One* July 21, 2019 at 2:21 am Sometimes the radio turned on at a low volume helps. I find a station that plays mellow easy listening type of music, or sometimes I’ll listen to classical. My local NPR station broadcasts BBC news all night long and sometimes I’ll listen to that and it helps me nod off.
Una* July 20, 2019 at 12:27 pm Don’t know if this applies, but while alcohol can make you sleepy, it makes your sleep quality worse – you’ll sleep lighter, wake up more, and generally have less restful sleep. I second everyone who’s saying it’s normal to wake up in the night. It happens in the lightest point of your sleep cycle, which you cycle to roughly every 90 minutes. Many people wake up and don’t remember it because they fall back asleep quickly. You maybe are just waking up more fully, or have a much greater awareness of your waking up. For my own insomnia, I know that the more I focus on worrying about whether I’ll sleep, the less I’ll sleep. And a lot of studies of insomniacs say that we actually fall asleep faster than we think we do – something about our perception of the time it takes is off. If the techniques in this thread don’t work, consider looking into cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia – surprisingly, that tends to be more effective long term than any of the pills, and no side effects! I think you can find some CBT-I workbooks if you can’t or don’t want to go for the full therapy thing.
Booksalot* July 20, 2019 at 12:28 pm I sleep in an eye mask and ear plugs. I resisted it for a long time, but my tolerance to noise and disruption has gone way down as I’ve gotten older. Trash trucks, neighbors gunning their cars, thunderstorms…getting a solid night’s sleep without being startled by sounds is a rarity, not the norm.
KoiFeeder* July 20, 2019 at 12:37 pm Honestly, I just sleep outside by the pond most of the time. Waking up on a hair-trigger is actually pretty useful when there’s raccoons about. The only issue is that raccoons are horrible and will touch your face.
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 1:27 pm Taking my multivitamin/mineral supplement before bed helps. Magnesium in particular is helpful in sleeping soundly, in several different ways – it regulates your stress hormones, reduces restless leg syndrome, and regulates your blood pressure.
YouwantmetodoWHAT?!* July 20, 2019 at 2:16 pm We put on fireplace/fire pit YouTube videos. I’m amazed at how well it works.
Deschain* July 20, 2019 at 2:42 pm I’ve had insomnia my whole life (or at least since I was five and I’m 41 now) and around my mid 30s it changed from “can’t go to sleep” to “can’t stay asleep.” At my doctor’s recommendation, I started sleep compression about three years ago and it works great. I started by staying up late (like 1:00 when I typically went to sleep at 9:30 and woke up around 1:00). I still woke up after a few hours. But after a few weeks, which were tough, I was able to go to sleep earlier and earlier. Now I fall asleep about 11 and consistently sleep until 6. I still have to do a later sleep time for a few days every few months because the insomnia creeps back up. It’s not foolproof but it’s the best thing I’ve tried.
HS Teacher* July 20, 2019 at 5:36 pm (Legal with my MMJ card) edibles and my CPAP machine. I have struggled with insomnia all my life. I’ve recently acquired a medical mj card and now have half a gummi before I go to sleep. I am sleeping so well now and finally off of the sleeping pills I’ve used for years.
AvonLady Barksdale* July 20, 2019 at 9:55 pm I have this problem. A couple of things helped. First, I listen to a sleep story (via Calm) to go to sleep, and it helps me relax enough that I usually do stay asleep. Second, if it’s been several hours after dinner, I eat a handful of almonds before bed to keep my blood sugar steady. When it’s really bad, I go to the guest bed and snuggle with the dog, but that’s no longer an option (we moved and got rid of the guest bed, and our sofa hasn’t been delivered yet!). I wish you luck! It’s no fun to be up for several hours in the middle of the night. The hardest thing for me is not to make it a huge deal, because that just gets in the way of getting back to sleep.
Chris in NZ* July 20, 2019 at 11:00 pm When I was very stressed (mostly work) a few years ago, I developed big issues with waking then winding myself up through thinking very negative thoughts, which kept me awake and stressed me further. Now I sleep with earphones (so as not to disturb my partner) listening to interesting but not exciting books or podcasts – popular science or novels I’m familiar with in particular. They distract me enough that I don’t descend into a negative spiral, which means I normally go back to sleep within a few minutes. Even if I am awake for a while, the material is interesting and I can feel that I’ve learned something or just enjoyed hearing it.
Kat* July 21, 2019 at 9:41 am I used to have horrible sleep issues! These helped me: -handle your stress!! I used meditation, meds, and journaling -if you need one, get a new mattress. My old lumpy mattress was keeping me tossing and turning but I didn’t realize it -EYE MASK EYE MASK EYE MASK. I thought my room was dark, but once I started using one I was sleeping two hours later effortlessly. Even at 3AM streetlights etc woke me up -CBD oil and melatonin. Idk if you’ve tried these but they work better than NyQuil and prescription drugs did for me. -no caffeine for 9 hours pre bedtime -light blocking yellow glasses for two hours. huge game changer. You can get cheap ones on amazon -don’t spend too much time awake in bed, because it mentally becomes a place where you’re awake. If you don’t fall back asleep in 10-20 min, go elsewhere (I sleep on my couch). My doctor told me this. I can often pass right out in a second location.
Kat* July 21, 2019 at 9:43 am Oh also forgot -get some exercise -don’t eat for 2+ hours before bed. This makes a huuuuuge difference. I didn’t realize this until I got a fancy sleep tracker.
ATX Language Learner* July 21, 2019 at 10:24 am I take lavender pills and sometimes magnesium (there are little powder packets you can buy that dissolve in water). The lavender pills are a brand named Calm Aid, they are fantastic and you can buy them on Amazon!
Parenthetically* July 21, 2019 at 3:33 pm STRICT blue-light curfew or blue-blocking software + blue-blocking glasses. Managing this stuff made an INSTANT difference for me. I’m talking the first night I installed the filter on my phone, I slept through the night for the first time in months.
Kat* July 21, 2019 at 11:03 pm What did you install? Is it the regular bedtime mode or something extra?
Blue11* July 21, 2019 at 9:25 pm Have you ever done a sleep apnea test? A friend of mine was waking up at odd hours and when his doctor suggested a sleep study, he thought it’s totally nuts. Turned out he has a moderate sleep apnea and is now on cpap machine. The guy is fit, active, normal weight, nothing out of the ordinary.
Gir* July 20, 2019 at 1:36 am Tips and tricks for a cruise! I’ve been invited to cruise with a friend. The person she was originally going with dropped out, so she asked if I’d go with her instead, since it’s all paid for already. I’ve never been on a cruise. It’s 5 days, I think, hitting Orcho Rios and Grand Cayman. If I’ve done my research right, it’s a Carnival Cruise (my friend has to get back at me with details). I’ve never been on a cruise before, so any words of wisdom would be wonderful.
Auntie Social* July 20, 2019 at 2:02 am Check online and see if there’s a costume night (and often a contest), also a dressier night. Usually the longer the cruise, the more formal the formal night is. The websites give you good tips. Are you doing any shore excursions? I seem to recall Ocho Rios having good shopping—buy your friend some earrings or something to thank her for inviting you. If you can afford it, pick up some of her bar tabs or tours.
Gir* July 20, 2019 at 2:30 am I’m probably going to pay for the drinks package for both of us plus a few off cruise excursions, and I’m trying to get her to let me book the hotel for the night before. But I like to the idea of a nice pair of earrings. I know she’d appreciate them.
Chocolate Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 6:08 am I have mentioned the Cruise Critic website on here before, and there is a whole section on what to expect if you have never been on a cruise before, both in terms of being on a cruise ship and what to see in the different ports.
CoffeeforLife* July 20, 2019 at 7:10 am I love the concept of the drink package but I *cannot* get my money’s worth as a drinker. I don’t even break even-unless it’s the package that includes starbux offee.
Amtelope* July 20, 2019 at 7:49 am Carnival usually has an early boarding option for a small additional charge (“First to the Fun”) — it’s 100% worth it. You’ll wait in much shorter line to board, and you can get aboard before lunch and have all afternoon to relax on the ship. Your bags will be delivered to your cabin, but it often takes a couple of hours, so carry on anything you’ll want right away, like a swimsuit if you’re planning to hit the pool as soon as you board. If you are into spa relaxation and your ship has a thermal suite, it’s worth buying a thermal suite pass — it’ll give you unlimited use of the area of the spa with assorted saunas, steam rooms, mist showers, and heated loungers. Buy it on the first day of the cruise, they sell out after a couple of days.
Colette* July 20, 2019 at 8:04 am There is a newsletter that will be dropped off at your room every day – read it, since it’ll tell you what’s happening when, as well as when you need to be back on the ship. If she hasn’t picked the room yet, try to get one in the middle of the ship. Bring comfortable shoes – the ships are big! Bring something to carry your room key in (credit card size) – a lanyard or similar works well.
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 11:21 am If you’re a swimmer, look at floating waterproof lanyard wallets. I had one that held my glasses & room key when we went snorkelling. Well worth it in case you drop it in the deep end.
Numbersgirl* July 20, 2019 at 11:16 am I second the lanyard and I also suggest a cheap (fabric) over the door shoe holder. I put my shoes and also had a spot for my sunglasses, sunscreen, lanyard, etc for my partner and I. It really helped with the small amount of surface area.
Deanna Troi* July 21, 2019 at 12:00 am Yes, if you bring a lanyard with a clip, you can go to the Customer Service desk, where they should have a hole puncher so they can punch a hole for your lanyard. Best tip anyone gave me for a cruise!
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 11:45 am Watch the time when you take excursions from the ship. A few passengers miss the ship’s departure because the ship stays on ship time and the passengers’ electronic watches/devices sometimes switch to local time. Be very aware of the actual time the ship is leaving port. Have fun!
ThatGirl* July 20, 2019 at 12:56 pm Have fun! Explore the ship your first day to get a feel for where things are. Look over the daily newsletter for activities. You don’t have to go to the port talks, they’re just trying to steer you to stores where Carnival gets a kickback. Remember to tip staff well, though you can generally add that on to your room charges. You can link a credit card to your room card for easy purchasing on board.
HS Teacher* July 20, 2019 at 5:37 pm Check with your cell phone company about data rates. Mine assured me there would be no surcharge, but I came home to a cell phone bill over $300. I was able to get it reversed since I was given bad information.
Lena Clare* July 20, 2019 at 1:37 am Do you have and tried and tested stain remover tips for getting limescale off a ceramic sink? Bleach or soap and elbow grease isn’t working. TIA.
Auntie Social* July 20, 2019 at 1:56 am CLR works, so does vinegar. I have hard water and have to give my shower head a vinegar bath regularly.
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 6:04 am If you have any cracks where the cast iron shows through, that might be an issue. There’s a hard glaze on sinks & toilets designed to handle acids & bases. I used to have a very old sink that had its finish scrubbed off and we did scrubbed with straight dish soap, then bleached: Straight bleach on a peer towel, air dry. (Some people recommend waxing after that to give a temporary finish to the old porcelain, but my husband uses enough ammonia for washing cookware that I never bothered to look into it.)
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 12:03 pm Sinks and toilets are called “sanitary ware” in the ceramics industry. If the glaze (actually a glass layer) is gone, the item is no longer sanitary since the glaze acts as a sealant for the body of the ceramic. If you have a large area of missing glaze, I’d replace the sink or toilet, since the ceramic body is porous and will absorb stains and other things. (I prefer metal sinks myself.) Happy Cleaning!
Lena Clare* July 20, 2019 at 4:12 am The limescale remover one? I’ve got the other normal one which isn’t working but I’ll try that, thanks.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 12:37 pm Yes the limescale remover one. I was skeptical but it really works.
WS* July 20, 2019 at 5:16 am Grapefruit juice and salt, CLR, or any acid-based bathroom cleaner. Bleach won’t remove lime.
CoffeeforLife* July 20, 2019 at 7:14 am Have you tried a pumice stick? It works on porcelain (awesome for removing the mineral ring in toilets). Make sure the surface is wet to prevent scratching-test an inconspicuous spot first! No chemicals needed
Lena Clare* July 20, 2019 at 8:43 am I saw that online! I don’t mind trying it out on the loo if I need to, but I’m definitely squeamish about using it in the sink :)
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 11:32 am I’d be worried it would remove the glaze… because our old porcelain sink had no glaze anymore. That might have just been 70 years of abuse though.
Alexandra Lynch* July 20, 2019 at 9:03 am CLR, plus light elbow grease. Spray it, let it sit a bit, scrub lightly and rinse. It will work, but it will probably take a few repetitions of this to really get through it. When I moved in with Boyfriend, he hadn’t actually cleaned his shower in about 10 years, and he has hard water. Now, I have chronic pain so I’m not taking it all off in one day, but eight passes over eight weeks of the CLR plus a scrub to loosen the top layer of limescale really did the trick, and the shower now looks clean.
Merci Dee* July 20, 2019 at 10:36 am I have hard water, as well, and I love Barkeeper’s Friend for scrubbing the build up off my porcelain kitchen sink. It also works great in the bathtub. It’s a very gentle abrasive so it won’t damage the finish, but it works like crazy to get the crud off. Even the weird gray marks that my plastic dishpan leaves in the one side of the kitchen sink that I leave it in. Nothing else would even fade those marks, but Barkeeper’s Friend got rid of them entirely.
Parker* July 20, 2019 at 1:41 pm Lemishine – it’s citric based, not harmful, and works wonders. They have all kinds of cleaning products – lemishine.com
Enter_the_Dragonfly* July 21, 2019 at 11:11 am For the limescale buildup on my glass shower door, equal parts dish soap + white vinegar all day! You just spray the mixture on, leave it for 20 minutes and apply the rough side of a sponge and elbow grease. It works because the dish soap stops the vinegar drying before it’s had a chance to do work its magic and it’s the only thing that’s ever shifted that darn limescale. I know some people here have mentioned that vinegar harms sinks, so if you’re worried about that I’ve heard good things about Barkeeper’s Friend.
Ron McDon* July 21, 2019 at 3:54 pm I love viakal or Killrock (both in UK, not sure if sold in other countries). Killrock in particular works really well – I bought a pot which contains quite a thick liquid and a brush attached to the lid. I painted it around my sink and the limescale dissolved right off. Not sure if ceramic-safe though.
Marzipan* July 20, 2019 at 1:46 am This round of donor egg IVF is underway. (I’m trying to just not think about the possible massive change to my work schedule, suddenly mentioned a couple of weeks ago, that would be epically incompatible with being a single parent.) Eight frozen donor eggs – the egg bank say they’ll supply six, but it turns out that if they have a random number of additional eggs from that donor, they just throw them in for free. So that was a bonus! The lab called yesterday to say they all survived the thaw; waiting for them to call this morning and let me know how many fertilised. Assuming some did then transfer will be sometime this week. I find transfer really hard (there is no such thing as a ‘comfortably full’ bladder in my book!) but I’m trying to just remember that I’ve got through it before and can do it again.
Valancy Snaith* July 20, 2019 at 3:38 am Very best of luck. For transfers, I’ve found it easiest to “count” my way through it like I do for something painful, just focus on counting or multiplication tables or reciting the alphabet backwards, anything that takes just enough focus off the discomfort!
Erin* July 20, 2019 at 10:01 am Wishing you the best of luck! I’m currently 5 months pregnant with a donor egg after several unsuccessful rounds of IVF with my own eggs – I hope for the same outcome for you!
Hermyown* July 20, 2019 at 1:58 am A friend of mine has dropped off the planet lately and I’m finding it really hard to know how much to nudge. If he’s trying to slow ghost me, I don’t want to be annoying – but I would like some closure if the friendship is at an end. On the other hand he may just be extremely busy. WWYD?
Weegie* July 20, 2019 at 3:43 am Stop nudging! Leave the ball in his court and assume the friendship is gone. If he suddenly pops up again, you get to choose whether or not to respond.
Washi* July 20, 2019 at 5:30 am “I would like some closure if the friendship is at an end.” I get where you’re coming from, but I would be a little wary of this impulse. You can certainly ask “hey, haven’t heard from you in a while, everything ok?” or “if I did something to offend you, I hope you’ll let me know” but you may not get any answers or equally likely, may get answers that still don’t feel satisfying. I think sometimes wanting closure is a defense mechanism – we think that if we get it, it will protect us a little from the sadness and grief and even anger. And also for myself, I know that “what if the friendship is over” often comes from an anxious place of trying to pin down something concrete so I can stop anxiously wondering. If everything has been fine between you up until this point, then most likely he’s dropped out of contact because of his own stuff. I went through this with a friend struggling with depression, so I really understand how much this sucks. (I posted about it here a while ago, and a few months later she sent me a text confirming that was what was going on.) What helped me most was letting go of looking for answers and just accepting that if the friendship is meant to pick up again, she knows how to find me.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 9:44 am Oh, I love the idea that closure is a defense mechanism. I hadn’t thought about that before, and I think it’s really true.
Lissa* July 21, 2019 at 2:53 pm Yeah, it’s a little like the defense mechanism that people use when they get dumped/fired etc. “If they had just TOLD me differently, I wouldn’t have been upset!” “If they’d just told me sooner/later/gentler/harsher etc…” but there’s no perfect way to do it. Not that there aren’t exceptionally bad ways to do those things, but I notice often the focus on “how” it’s done is disproportionate.
Parenthetically* July 21, 2019 at 3:37 pm This is a great insight. Bookmarking this comment for sure.
Asenath* July 20, 2019 at 6:40 am If you haven’t already done so, make a casual approach one more time – ask how he’s doing, etc, – and if there’s no response, let it go. The friend now knows you’re still interested in a friendship, but he has to decide if he’s going to respond. I wouldn’t go for closure, myself – in a case like this, I’d probably remind myself that some friendships simply peter out, it’s too bad, but that’s the way it is, and he knows you’re there if he ever wants to reconnect, and there’s nothing else for you to do except move on.
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 8:12 am I would give it two attempts – two invitations to do something or conversation openers. If he doesn’t bite, let it go and it’ll be his turn to reach out to you next. Phones and email and IMs and Facebook Messenger and all the other ways we have to talk to people these days, they work both ways. If he wants to talk to you, he knows how to get in touch. Closure isn’t something someone else can give you, really. You have to make it for yourself. Sorry you’re dealing with this, I know it stings – but there’s a good chance his radio silence has nothing to do with you, specifically.
Overeducated* July 20, 2019 at 11:14 am Why does a friendship have to be over if it’s inactive for a while? Maybe it’s hibernating for any number of reasons that don’t have a lot to do with you. Closure is risky, it could close off possibilities for reawakening in the future.
Asenath* July 20, 2019 at 12:21 pm That’s true, too. My mother had some friendships that had lasted since she was a girl or a teenager, which went through gaps of years or even decades due to, well, life, really – people moving to different places, even different countries and finding it hard to get that time to keep in touch. And yet they could re-connect when they did get together. I have a couple friends like that too – we’re not as close as we used to be, or as I am with people I see more often, but every so often we meet and enjoy each other’s company. Friendship can occur on different levels.
Stanley Nickels* July 20, 2019 at 12:40 pm Also my first thought here. Friendships wax and wane with who you both are at any given time. It may be good to let them do what they need to do for now and reconnect when you are both on the same page again. Explore new friendships or interests of your own and let them have space to do the same. Let go of any hard feelings so you can be happy to see them in the future. I think you really only need to firmly end a friendship if it is toxic, but what what you’ve described, it may just be some down time. I hope you feel better!
Enter_the_Dragonfly* July 21, 2019 at 11:20 am I’m so sorry, that is really hard. I’ve been through it myself and in that capacity I just have this to say. Either leave the ball in their court (maybe with a couple of ‘you OK?’ or something) OR come right out and say, “I don’t know what to make of your behavior, please let me know if this friendship is over.” Don’t do what I did and hint around the fact that you think people should tell other people when they don’t want to be friends any more. It was at least 5 years before I realized they probably thought I was the one ending things and I still kick myself occasionally. My only defense is that I was very young.
MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)* July 20, 2019 at 2:14 am Quitting soda (and calorie’d drinks in general). How do I do this without losing my mind?
Pam* July 20, 2019 at 2:37 am I switched to unsweetened iced tea- which gave me the caffeine hit without the sugar. I do still drink the occasional root beer
Nacho* July 21, 2019 at 3:50 pm Same. Just make some black tea and add about twice as much ice as you used hot water.
Auntie Social* July 20, 2019 at 2:46 am Ration them. Cut down by half, then half again. You can do this.
Grandma Mazur* July 20, 2019 at 2:51 am fizzy water with lemon or lime juice? Or mint leaves? (I went to hot water which worked for me, until I was able to cut the sugar from tea)
Julia* July 20, 2019 at 6:55 am This is what I do because I need carbonated drinks to feel like I’m drinking. Those and cold brew teas that somehow end up tasting sweet, like green rooibos (hate the red) peach tea etc.
verity verity* July 20, 2019 at 3:19 am I used to drink _a lot_ of Diet Coke. I’m assuming from your name you are in NZ? I switched to very lightly flavoured sparkling water (Kiwi Blue make several flavours – raspberry, lemon and I think lime, and NZ Natural do a delicious manderin, there’s also the US brand La Croix sold at Countdown which has loads of flavours – pamplemousse is our favourite) which tastes a bit more interesting than plain water so I don’t feel too deprived. So I am living proof it can be done, I still crave DC, but I’ve since tried it again and it tastes unpleasant, like chemicals. I also read a lot of articles about what was in Diet Coke and what it was doing to my body and scared myself off it. Hope that helps. Good luck.
FormerDietCokeAddict* July 20, 2019 at 4:13 am Another former Diet Coke addict here. I gave up entirely a couple of years ago and now it just tastes like nasty chemicals when I occasionally try some. I just switched to ice cold water, got myself a nice insulated cup to use. It really is a matter of going cold turkey and sticking with it for a few weeks and then you will have broken the habit.
Lena Clare* July 20, 2019 at 4:17 am Ditto! I don’t drink anything with sugar in now, it tastes too sweet. I had major caffeine withdrawal headaches so started on decaffeinated tea and coffee, plus occasionally took paracetamol. You can do this :)
Good luck with that* July 20, 2019 at 2:07 pm Cold turkey on diet cola gave me the worst headaches of my life, not excluding head injury in a collision. Caffeine withdrawal is real. Either cut back gradually, or find another source of caffeine at least temporarily. Temperature makes a big difference for me. The pop was always ice cold, and plain water from the water fountain or cooler just isn’t as cold. When grapes or berries are in season, freeze a bunch loose (I use cookie sheets) to use instead of ice cubes in cold water. Just a few don’t add a huge amount of calories. Or use a water additive such as True Lemon .
I Concur* July 20, 2019 at 4:19 am Me too – a lot of Diet Coke and Pepsi Max. I gave it up for Lent this year in solidarity with my kid giving up fizzy drinks and just haven’t looked back since. (I am not super Catholic but I live in Ireland and the school my kid goes to is sponsored by the Catholic Church, as are 90% of schools in Ireland.) I also enjoy a lightly flavoured sparkling water. And to be honest, I have rarely missed the diet soda and have no desire to go back to it, for exactly the reasons verity verity mentioned – it seemed super bad for me. Also, you know yourself best. Rationing and special treating doesn’t work for me. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person, so cold turkey and abstention for basically ever is the only thing that works for me. I kicked white bread in the beginning of June and am currently phasing out candy bars. (Also been on a completely plant-based diet for the last two and half years.)
MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)* July 20, 2019 at 4:37 am Oooh, La Croix didn’t do it for me but I’ll definitely track down the Kiwi Blue ones to give them a try!
The Other Dawn* July 20, 2019 at 6:22 am Me, too. Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi were my drink of choice. For me, soda was a habit or maybe even part of a ritual or experience. My morning ritual at work was a breakfast sandwich and a diet coke/pepsi while I went through my emails, read this blog and generally just settled in. If the deli downstairs didn’t have diet soda, my morning just seemed off; it kind of got my morning off to a bad start. And anytime I had food, I cracked a can of diet soda. So, three meals a day, plus anything I ate in between, generally meant I was drinking five to six cans of diet soda every single day. I didn’t quit the soda because I wanted to, I quit because had to–I was getting weight loss surgery and anything carbonated is generally a big “no” afterwards. I had to quit cold turkey, which is how I need to do most things–all or nothing. I just had to flip that switch in my mind and it worked. Was it hard? Hell yes! But once I got through a couple weeks I was fine. I definitely missed it as part of my morning ritual, but eventually I learned to replace it with water or something else that’s no sugar/non-carbonated. It’s been over five years now and I do crave diet soda every once in awhile, typically every few months or so and only if I’m eating fast food. I’ll ask my husband for a sip of his and that satisfies me.
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 8:12 am What is it about Diet Coke?! I go through phases and am in the throes! Don’t care for water. Dislike iced tea and have Type 1 diabetes so I’m kinda screwed.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 10:13 am My husband was Type II. I noticed that same exclusion in our lives, when we drank DC we avoided water. We both did this and I am not diabetic. I dunno, some folks believe there is addictive stuff in it but I tend to think human kind has a collective weakness for things like this. We started with a rule that we could only have a Diet Coke after drinking X amount of water. Of course, after a bit you start feeling like, “This is way too much fluids, I am going to float away.” So we started adjusting downward on the Diet Coke and then finally quit buying it entirely. Interesting to me, a non-diabetic, as I switched over to eating healthier one of the last things I got rid of was the Diet Coke. I kept holding on, even it was to allow myself 1 Diet Coke a week or two weeks, etc. At that time I said, change anything but don’t take my Diet Coke. It’s been decades now and, of course, my body has changed. I would love the flavor of Diet Coke but I can’t deal with the bloated feeling from the carbonation. Just can’t deal anymore. When I quit it was because of my pain levels going up and panic attacks going up for days after I had that soda.
Earthwalker* July 20, 2019 at 10:25 am If diet soda is too fizzy or too sweet, you might be able to mix it with water to get a more palatable drink, and save money and bottle waste that way too.
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 11:02 am I like the idea of water before I can have a Diet Coke. I’ll try that.
KayEss* July 20, 2019 at 1:43 pm That’s what I did when I wasn’t working and found myself drinking way too many cans of diet coke out of boredom/habit… for every can I drank, I had to finish a full glass of water before I could have another. It kept me from mindlessly going from one can to the next.
Charlotte* July 20, 2019 at 5:10 am Diet versions of sodas are pretty much zero calories though, is there a reason you can’t switch to those in the meantime a ‘transition’ drink?
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 6:09 am I had luck with powdered drink mixes to wean me off the sweet&caffeine separately from the fizz & convenience of a Coke bottle. My problem is I can’t STAY off when I’m with someone who pops a can several times a day–such Pavlovian conditioning in that sound!
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 6:15 am Also this is a good place to mention FRESH stevia. I hate artificial sweeteners including stevia powder. My husband does not. He started growing stevia a couple of years ago, and I’ve found that I quite like water steeped with the fresh leaves, fresh mint leaves, and some lemon juice.
LCL* July 20, 2019 at 11:38 am There are some anecdotes about people having an allergy or sensitivity reaction to stevia. If you have an allergy to ragweed, stevia may affect you.
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 4:28 pm Oh blast. Thank you I do. And that could explain why my allergies have been worse this month than for the last several years.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 6:38 am Same – I drink Crystal Light peach mango green tea by the gallon. I’m a super taster for bitter notes, so brewing my own tea doesn’t work, even green and white brewed teas don’t seem to have a sweet spot for me between “flavorless” and “yuck” (and black teas are right out). But I really like the Crystal Light stuff. I also have a tracker and aim for 64oz of non-carbonated beverage per day, and I try to do at least half of it as plain water. And I just plain don’t buy soda at home, but I let myself drink it when I’m out for dinner or at a movie if I want.
Owler* July 21, 2019 at 12:31 pm My 12yo kid is a super taster for bitter. Any advise or comments from your adult experience? (She’s a good eater generally, but hates chocolate; most cooked veggies or those from the store are too bitter. She’ll eat things fresh from my garden because they are less bitter or she’ll eat frozen veggies like peas and corn uncooked and straight from freezer. Her friend love to have taste tests with her and hear her rankings on bitter levels.)
Dr. Anonymous* July 21, 2019 at 12:37 pm Acid sauces help a lot. Vinaigrettes, lemon aioli, ponzu, some random oil and orange juice concoction. Salt and, if she tolerates them, hot spices help as well. I do eat some bitter foods now but I’m 55 and never did learn to like chocolate, beer, or coffee. I can drink tea if hard-pressed.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 21, 2019 at 12:41 pm Mostly where I find it hits me is that I can’t drink coffee, tea, beer, or wine, or eat dark chocolate. Veggies don’t bother me, though I tend to use savory herbs on them so that probably helps. I don’t have any problems with it from an eating perspective, personally — the most annoying part is the lifetime of people going “Oh, you just need to (add more sugar to the coffee/try white or red tea/drink a less hoppy beer/white wine instead of red/WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T LIKE DARK CHOCOLATE)” instead of going “Oh, ok, more for me!” :P
Owler* July 21, 2019 at 7:00 pm Thanks, Dr. Anon and Red. It’s nice to hear from adults who are similar to her. Her friends are really accepting (“more for us!”), and it’s only really from grownups that she hears comments like you’ve heard.
Kate Daniels* July 20, 2019 at 6:21 am I started a challenge to drink (and track my drinking of) 64 oz of water every day. Turns out, there’s not any room for any other type of liquid after I hit those 64 oz!
I edit everything* July 20, 2019 at 2:22 pm That “drink 64 oz of water a day” thing isn’t really a thing. Or, it’s a thing that shouldn’t be a thing. It’s really 64 oz of liquid—which includes all the water/juice in the food we eat, especially fruits and veggies, as well as what we drink, with the exception of alcohol. So tea, coffee, pop, juice, whatever, counts toward the 64 oz. of fluid we’re supposed to drink in a day. Most people don’t realize a lot of our food has water in it.
Kate Daniels* July 20, 2019 at 6:29 pm For me, personally, whether or not it is a “thing” (I’m not giving health advice here), making myself drink eight glasses of water a day has had the benefit of forcing me to cut out other, sugary type of liquids like juices or lemonade because I no longer have room for them.
Thankful for AAM* July 21, 2019 at 10:14 am I edit everything is right. Count the water in food as well as what you drink. And too much liquid can also upset your electrolyte balance and cause health problems.
Parenthetically* July 21, 2019 at 3:40 pm Yeah, it’s definitely a thing for me, whether it’s a thing or not — I crave other drinks AND alcohol less when I hit that number.
A nony cat* July 20, 2019 at 6:47 am The best thing for me is to give up very specific things cold turkey, but one at a time. So, if you drink both soda and juice, first give up the soda, but keep drinking juice. Then once you’ve broken that addiction, try to reduce your juice consumption (mixing it with sparkling water is a good way to do that!). If your biggest addiction is a caffeinated drink, be sure you keep getting enough caffeine (and if you want to give up caffeine as well, do it separately, either before or after giving up sugared drinks). Also, seltzer water and (unsweetened) iced tea are great alternatives to soda specifically. If you really aren’t a fan of the cold-turkey approach, make your “cheats” difficult/irregular/less desirable. For example, you might give up all sweetened drinks except homemade lemonade, or all juice except grapefruit juice. Another option is to think of your physical environment and have certain environments be no-go zones for some things. For example, you might never drink soda at home, but it’s okay at a party. Basically, you want to set firm yes/no boundaries for yourself that are very clear, rather than just try to “cut back” on something.
Glomarization, Esq.* July 20, 2019 at 8:30 am I like to visualize the sugar, coloring, and phosphoric/citric acids that would be washing around in my mouth if I were drinking something other than plain water. I’ve been off sodas and sweetened beverages for about 20 years now (though I’ll have a non-diet Coke once in a blue moon, almost medicinally as a pick-me-up), and this works for me.
Angwyshaunce* July 20, 2019 at 9:03 am Good luck! I made it 5 days (broke yesterday). For me, food type is a trigger, so I try to avoid things like diner food and the like.
Alexandra Lynch* July 20, 2019 at 9:12 am A lot of water, and eating real food that is tasty and satisfying. My own quit was rather weird. At that point I was still married, and we were poor. When we ran out of anything mid month, we were out of it til the next month’s disability payment came, and that was just all. I was used to this, so when I ran out of diet cola, I swapped over to drinking hot tea because it was winter and that was yummy in a cold house. I found that I was REALLY enjoying the hot tea versus a cold soda, so didn’t get any more for the following month. After that, I was doing laundry at my mom’s house, and as I had about five loads a week this took all day in a big push. I decided that soda offered me caffeine in an easily portable and drinkable form, and left them there for me to drink while there. I began to notice that Mondays meant a really bad day with my chronic pain. I assumed it was due to no nap and the stress of dealing with my mother for that period of time. (We love each other but we are very very different people.) But one week I showed up and…. no soda! My eldest son had moved in with my mom to help her because she’d ruptured a disc and had two acres of land to keep in order, and he’d drunk all my sodas! Oops, sorry, mom, I’ll replace them. That did nothing for my caffeine need right now, of course, so I made some tea and got through the day. The following week, he’d just forgotten to get any. Tea again. And I noticed, hey, wait a minute….I don’t hurt on Monday! HMMM!!! Deliberately tried having a soda when I went out and yep, sore and aching the following day. Well, at that point I was already over the addiction, and they just didn’t taste good any more. So it was no problem to just formally say, “I don’t drink soda any more.”
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 10:01 am Like Alexandra, I noticed my pain levels went down and my panic attacks went down. Way down. I missed the taste of Diet Coke and the fizz. I treated myself to fruit waters once in a while. Then once in a great while I allowed myself a DC. And that was when the pain and panics came flooding back. Ten minutes of enjoyable sipping was not worth the 5-7 days of agony after. I’d still love a Diet Coke. But it’s not worth messing up the rest of my week for. I can find other indulgent treats that will not cut into my life. OP, if you are interested, I LOVED watermelon for the sweetness. At least I could get that sweetness somewhere without drinking a coke. My friend is fond of pointing out that watermelon is good for flushing out our systems, also. Perhaps the watermelon helped me move through the DC habit faster? I can’t be sure.
Madge* July 20, 2019 at 9:18 am Everyone is giving great suggestions for replacements. You can have fun experimenting with options. If you regularly drink X glasses of liquid a day, you can use one of those to experiment until you find what you like. Then you can gradually replace your calorie drinks with that. It works best if you think of this as replacing soda with water rather than having to give up soda for water. You could switch to nothing but plain water at meals. I can easily get into habits with drinks where I want one every day. If I have a Dr. Pepper today I’ll find myself figuring out how I can get one tomorrow. (I don’t live in Dr. Pepper country anymore so there are only a few places that carry it. ) I’ve created a rule that Dr.Peppers can only be a gift, outside the house. So I can have one at a party or on a road trip, but I can’t buy a can to bring home. If you’re drinking lots of caloried beverages, you’re probably sipping from a drink throughout your day and getting a low but steady dose of sugar energy all day as well. That’s the habit you really need to break. Your body is depending on that energy and even flavored water won’t be a good substitute. You might want to add in a few snacks for now to give you that same energy boost in food form. You could also try switching more of your liquids to glasses of plain water that you drink right down and save only a couple glasses for flavored beverages that you mindfully enjoy at specific times.
SUE* July 20, 2019 at 9:28 am I love a can of plain seltzer, a splash or more of apple cider vinegar, and some mint & cucumbers. So refreshing. It replaced my evening cocktail.
Merci Dee* July 20, 2019 at 10:56 am I like the powder packets and liquid drops you can add to water. They’re zero calories, but they add lots of flavor and a little sweetness to something I should be drinking anyway. I’m not crazy about sodas, because the carbonation makes me thirstier and then I have to drink a bottle of water anyway to feel like my thirst has been satisfied. So the packets and drops are great for me. And they’re very easy to carry around with you.
Jaid* July 20, 2019 at 11:17 am Seltzer/Sparkling water. Um, I don’t know if Countdown is like, your version of Costco, but it shows sparkling water flavors of lime, lemon, watermelon, grapefruit, etc. It’s the in thing now, dontcha know?
Trixie* July 20, 2019 at 12:07 pm Last week I splurged on a Soda Stream. I find I drink less soda but also I can adjust the carbonation levels as needed. For now, the carbonation reminds me of soda without the soda, and I have to add either fresh lemon or lime or grapefruit juice for some flavor. I am feeling the same withdrawals symptoms (small headache) but expect this to ease up before long.
Booksalot* July 20, 2019 at 12:32 pm I switched to Kombucha, which has been great in several ways. Less sugar, more interesting flavors, and it actually improved my GERD symptoms. (I also didn’t totally give up Coke, just cut way down to maybe a can or two per month. Something about a can of Coke knocks out my weather-related migraines in a way that my prescription meds just can’t touch.)
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 12:38 pm We like unsweetened flavored fizzy water, like LaCroix or Bubly. Aldi’s has a house brand called LaVie for a fraction of the price. Walmart/Sam’s Club has one called Clear American (but you have to check, some of the CA flavors are sweetened – the boxes are slightly different, which helps) Sometimes you can also find litre bottles of flavored seltzer, but those are getting harder to come by in stores near me, the cans have taken over. I also like flavored hot tea, like green tea with lemon and ginger.
Sled dog mama* July 20, 2019 at 6:50 pm I recently discovered that my grocery store has seltzer water that is lightly cola flavored. I thought I had died, this has been the best thing to kick yhe soda habit
HannahS* July 20, 2019 at 7:17 pm Honestly, I’d start with using no-calorie sweetener in homemade iced tea or lemonade (or soda water, or whatever) for a while. It works as a good bridge in reducing sugar, I find, as long as I approach it as “eventually there will be less.” First two little packets of Splenda, then one, then half, etc.
Shrunken Hippo* July 20, 2019 at 10:59 pm I buy a bunch of different teas that I can have as unsweetened ice tea. There’s enough flavour and variety that I don’t miss pop. Of course it also means that shops like David’s Tea are very dangerous to my poor wallet.
OhBehave* July 21, 2019 at 4:58 pm My son quit soda (Mt Dew) cold turkey a few years ago at 17. He lost a lot of weight then started working out. He lost even more after that. It’s not only the caffeine that gets you but the sugars and artificial sugars that can harm. I would take it gradually so as to not irk your family and coworkers, LOL!
Sami* July 20, 2019 at 2:50 am I’m searching for a new purse/handbag. It’s difficult for me to get out and shop. Any apps you’d recommend to find one? Used is fine. I have tried eBags. I’m wondering about sites/apps like PoshMark – any success stories? Thanks.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 6:46 am I have a shopping problem and Poshmark has helped. The three Vera Bradley bags I bought last month only cost me $50 instead of upwards of $200. :-P (I like bright patterns that look like a paint factory exploded on a paisley stencil. They make me happy.) If you know roughly what you’re after – I wanted the three-zipper classic after seeing the style in a store, but didn’t like the patterns the store had – it can be really great. People tend to be pretty detailed about their items, you can attempt to dicker with the sellers a bit, the site has good customer service in my experience. I bought a dress described as style x, which is a sheath dress, and it turned out to be style y, a fit and flare – posh let the seller keep the money, but refunded me anyway and let me keep the dress. Wins all around. It gets a little fiddlier if you’re looking from scratch, they don’t provide as many details (measurements, internal pocket sizes etc) as a regular selling site might do. Not impossible, but not as easy as it you’re looking for a specific make and model of something, IMO.
Middle School Teacher* July 20, 2019 at 7:13 am I bought a beautiful Michael Kors on tradesy. I think I paid around $120 for it including shipping (that’s Canadian $ btw) and it retailed for around $350, I think.
cat socks* July 20, 2019 at 7:27 am I like Zappos because they have free shipping and returns. A lot of times they have videos of the products too, which I find helpful.
foolofgrace* July 20, 2019 at 7:49 am I just bought a bag from QVC. They had about 600 in the crossover style, which is what I wanted. It was some serious shopping, having to breeze thru that many options before culling a few for final consideration. You might get some ideas of what you find important in a handbag.
Blarg* July 20, 2019 at 8:41 am ThredUp has a good bag selection and lots of filter options to get just what you want. Their site works well on mobile which I’m appreciative of.
Fortitude Jones* July 20, 2019 at 9:29 pm +100 I get most of my bags from thredUP these days. Also, Amazon surprisingly has good bags too. I have some beautiful Chanel/Hermès dupes that pass for the real thing.
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 1:11 pm DH bought me a Brighton bag a few months ago. It’s a very well made, lovely design bag and I honestly think if I tried real hard I couldn’t damage this thing. The nifty thing about Brighton bag is the company offers a service once a year where they will clean/condition the leather. They will also clean and check the metal attachments and replace anything loose. We purchased a small crossbody bag which ended up costing $130ish. (I gave up large tote bags some time ago to accommodate my arthritic shoulder). Unfortunately, I have no idea about the +/- of any of the apps. Brighton does sell their products both online as well as brick and mortar locations. Best of luck
NB* July 20, 2019 at 3:35 pm I got two Vera Bradley bags for cheap on eBay and really like them. I also bought a new Neiman-Marcus tote bag at Goodwill.
Kat in VA* July 20, 2019 at 11:28 pm TheRealReal is very good if you are looking for higher end bags, as well.
OhBehave* July 21, 2019 at 5:00 pm Zulily has been good for me. TJ Maxx too. I tend to stick with the same bag forever.
A nony cat* July 20, 2019 at 4:11 am I’m a cat person, but a flatmate/neighbor (for lack of a better word, we have connected apartments and share a fence/yard/driveway but not living space) recently got a puppy, who is now 4-6 months old. The puppy’s human is now on vacation, and another neighbor is taking care of her. But the caretaker isn’t super into puppies and is mainly doing it as a favor to the human. While the puppy gets enough attention in terms of being petted and getting enough food, I don’t think the puppy is getting enough play/activity/mental stimulation. Other than playing fetch with her rope toy, what are some activities I can do in the yard with the puppy? I’ve heard playing tug-of-war with dogs (or maybe just pitbulls) is bad, is that true? I’ve never had a dog/puppy of my own (and even most of my cat experience is with older cats, not kittens), so I’m honestly a little lost on how to help her expend her puppy energy. I don’t mind buying/making cheap toys for her. Are there any dos/don’ts that a cat person might not realize when dealing with dogs? (FYI, I’ve played a bit with the puppy while the her human was in town, I have no reason to think he would object to me playing with her while he’s gone.)
Mother of dogs* July 20, 2019 at 4:25 am Tug-of-war’s appropriateness kind of depends on the dog’s personality. For a dog who is prone to dominance behaviours, it’s probably not the best thing to do. If you’re not sure, then probably err on the side of not playing tug-of-war. Playbowing and doing a little bit of chasing can be fun for both parties. Chasing a ball can also be fun. The only advice I’d give in general is not to tolerate bad behaviour – jumping up on you or nipping. Give a stern no and turn your back on the pup. Wait until they are calm before interacting again. Praise and give pets for good behaviour. The advice on not tolerating bad behaviour is especially important for a puppy who will grow up into a large dog. We have a large rescue dog who was never taught manners and was clearly allowed to jump and mouth people. He’s 100+ pounds now and it’s a lot harder to remove bad habits, especially in a dog who can easily bowl someone over, than to instill good habits from a young age.
Venus* July 20, 2019 at 5:35 am Is there any way you can walk the dog? That expends energy and gives mental stimulation better than anything. If not, then feeding the dog by throwing it’s kibble in the grass is really easy mental stimulation. Do it in a small area (no need to spread it in the yard), yet having to search through grass is great (they sell snuffle-mats to do the same concept indoors). I play tug with my dog, but agreed with Mother of dogs – the dog should be submissive or well-trained to ‘release’ when asked. It’s a bit like having a dog on the couch: some people do not like it at all, but the consensus seems to be that it’s fine if you invite the dog up rather than letting it barge up (I taught my dog she can only come up with me when she sits first). Also agreed with Mother of dogs – the best thing you can do with a puppy is teach it to sit when it wants something (food, treats, to go indoors, to be pet, to get a toy, etc). I am doing it now with a little puppy and it is a million times more pleasant than the same problem with a 90lb unmannered three-year-old last year. Toys are good but may involve more work for you if you throw it and they don’t bring it back (it’s a trained thing). Although you might try a cat wand toy (a cheap one as it will likely get destroyed – dollar stores have them) and have them chase that a bit.
Tugsalot* July 20, 2019 at 5:46 am My dog loves tug of war more than any other form of play. She doesn’t care much for other games like fetch, but she’ll tug so hard I worry sometimes about her teeth! The important thing is to train a good “drop it”. It takes a while to teach well, but in the end you want the dog to be able to let go of the toy no matter how worked up she is. There are a few different strategies for training “drop it”, but there are basically three different stages: the first is to get the dog to actually release the toy. You can use treats, pry the dog’s jaw open, offer a different toy, or (my personal favorite) become a dead fish (maintain hold on the toy and just walk with the dog as she pulls, giving little resistance and just generally being a boring tug partner until she gives up). The second part is crucial: immediately reward the dog for letting go. I usually reward by giving the toy back or throwing the toy, but you can use treats or petting if the dog likes them better (though a dog that really likes to tug often won’t want anything but more tug time). Wait until the dog starts letting go of the toy without too much struggle before you introduce the “drop it” command (drop it, leggo, give it, gimmie, give, mine – whatever you prefer. Don’t use “let go” because it sounds too much like “no” and don’t use “release” because that’s a different command the owner might want to use later on). It will be tricky at first, but once the dog learns that “drop it” means “game restarts” instead of “game over”, they get pretty good at it, even when they’re really excited. The third stage is to teach the dog not to grab the toy again without you offering it, either by throwing it for her to fetch or by holding it out and saying “get it”. If the dog snatches the toy back right after letting it go, that defeats the purpose of having a “drop it” command. As you are teaching “drop it”, prevent the dog from getting the toy again by holding it out of reach. After the “drop it” part is learned well, make the dog sit or stand without lunging for the toy before you throw/offer it again. If the dog lunges at the toy after dropping it, say “no” and either pull the toy away before she can reach it, or if she manages to grab it, either pry her jaws open or be a dead fish until she lets go again. You have to build this slowly or the dog will get frustrated. Start by just preventing her from lunging immediately after releasing. You might have to physically block her body with your hand on her chest. Then start proofing the behavior by holding the toy closer to her mouth. When she lunges for it, pull it away. Make her wait a second without lunging before you say “get it”. Gradually build to dangling the toy in front of her nose or even touching it. It’s important to teach this, but do it slowly and make sure the dog still thinks of “drop it” positively. Things to watch out for: don’t chase the dog to get the toy from her. This is a fun game for the dog, but not for humans. Call the dog over and reach for the toy. If she pulls out of reach, don’t keep reaching farther, just make weaker grab attempts closer to you, then snag it when she comes in closer. It can help to do this sitting down, so you’re not tempted to follow her. Don’t pull too hard or fast. Teeth can and do get broken from tug of war, and if you jerk too hard side to side you can hurt their neck or cause them to trip over their feet. If you pull up high enough that the dog’s front paws lift off the floor, don’t pull down again. Especially when they’re young, their shoulders and front legs can get injured from slamming down on the ground. Instead, let the dog pull down with her body weight and slowly let her down. It’s okay to tug downwards while the dog’s paws are on the ground, though. As far as dominance goes, I’ve never had an issue because of tug of war. I’ve heard that you should always “win” if you want to be dominant, but I think that’s impractical. My dog doesn’t even like it when I let her win – she just wants to pull forever. For me, once the dog knows “drop it”, I start proofing her by getting her as riled up as I can and then making her drop the toy. I’ll be pulling like crazy, she’ll be growling, we’ll be really going at it, and then suddenly the fun stops and she has to let the toy go to get it started again. I think that sends a pretty clear message of who’s in charge. OP, I realize you might not be interacting with the puppy enough to teach all these stages, but I went ahead and wrote it out in case someone else wants to do the same with their dog. Also, you’d be surprised how quickly puppies learn. I know you’re not an experienced trainer, but it probably won’t take more than three or four play sessions for her to at least understand that sometimes you want her to suddenly let the toy go.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 7:45 am (Just checking – “connected” apartments means you somehow have access to the puppy to take them out into the yard to play, and not that the puppy’s caretaker is leaving puppy out in the yard unattended? If the latter, I’d let owner know when they get back, as 4-6 months is too young to be unattended for long, especially outside – plus cute puppies are very popular among dog thieves.) My dog at that age loved to tug, and she still does (she’s almost five now), but her tug mostly requires that someone else hold one end of the tug toy (usually the slobbery end :-P ) and let her do all the work. You could try throwing tennis balls – my dogs both give me a reproachful look, like “if you didn’t want it you didn’t have to THROW it, you could have just gave it back.” But if I have two, we can alternate as long as I’m willing to move around the yard to wherever the other one got dropped. They’re not going to bring them back to me if I’m just going to throw them again. :)
Lucette Kensack* July 20, 2019 at 2:09 pm Rescue foster here! Training is, by far, the best way to spend down puppy energy. 10 minutes at a time 3 times a day will do more to wear that pup down than a 90 minute walk. Make her use her tiny puppy brain! You can teach basic obedience like sit, (lie) down, come, etc. But if she hasn’t had much training, you may want to start with impulse control games or “shaping” things that the pup does naturally. Example of an impulse control game: With a treat inside your closed fist, hold your fist out to the pup. She’ll slobber all over your hand, lick it, maybe scratch at it. Ignore her until she stops (removes her mouth, turns away, steps back, etc.), then immediately give her the treat. You’ll be shocked at how quickly she learns that the way to get the treat is to NOT try to get it from you. Once she has that down, you can make it harder and harder: hold the treat on your open palm and close your fist if she tries to take it; put the treat on the ground; toss the treat toward her, etc. The trick is to give her the treat as soon as she stops trying to get it, even if it’s just for a split second. “Shaping” is a training method that uses what a dog does naturally to teach them to do that on command. For example, rather than pushing her butt down (or luring her with a treat so she puts her butt on the ground) to teach her to sit, you wait until you “catch” her in the act of sitting and immediately say “sit” and give her a treat. “Fetch” can be easy to teach through shaping (if the pup likes to fetch!). Throw a ball and when she runs for it give the command (“Fetch!” or I use “Go get your ball!”) and give her a treat when she brings it back. Also, the pup will survive a few days with not enough attention. It’s kind of you to want to help, but if she’s being fed and given some love and attention while her owner is on vacation she’s doing ok and you can ignore her with a clear conscience.
EddieSherbert* July 22, 2019 at 3:57 pm Ditto, and I love all your advice :) I’d also add puzzle feeders to the list of “easy entertainment.” Kongs (often frozen) are the best known puzzle feeders, but there’s a ton more. Just google dog puzzle feeders or DIY dog puzzle feeders for ideas!
EddieSherbert* July 22, 2019 at 3:59 pm Oh, snuffle mats are also a type of puzzle feeder that is becoming more common – you can “duplicate” the same effect by just tossing a handful of puppy’s food in the grass and letting him forage for it. That is usually a huge and easy entertainer for my foster pups.
..Kat..* July 20, 2019 at 4:31 am Hi. Anyone have experience with AirPods? Do they work well? Is the sound quality good? Do they fall out of your ears easily? Are they worth the money? TIA
A teacher* July 20, 2019 at 6:51 am They stay in my tiny ears remarkably well. I can go for a run with them. Sound quality is ok — they are not my main choice for walking in the noisy city but ok. I think this mainly due to them not really being noise cancelling. They are really great for handsfree phone conversations while cooking or meetings or whatever.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 6:52 am I love mine. The Apple earbud shape is the only style I’ve found that ARE comfortable and fit well in my ears. They’re literally the same mold as the ones that come with the Apple devices, so if you don’t like the corded ones you won’t like the cordless. But I’ve jogged in mine, including a half-marathon, with no slipping issues. As to sound quality- I don’t have any issues, with the caveat that I’m also not picky about the fine points. They sound fine to me, maybe they could be better? But they’re not tinny or rattly or anything noticeably unpleasant.
Anona* July 20, 2019 at 7:17 am I got some wireless earbuds for $50 that I’m really liking so far. They fit well and are comfortable. I just got the best rates ones from best buy. I use them with my phone.
Coco* July 20, 2019 at 8:10 am I love mine for working out. However there are times (maybe 10%) when only the left or the right works. Not sure why. The next time I use them , they’ll both work. My husband has the same issue occasionally. There was an article on the Washington Post and prob a video on YouTube where the Post reporter, Sammy Hagar, and Hagar’s wife test out AirPods 2, the new Beats Powerbeats Pro, and the Bose SoundSport Free. The AirPods won.
FuzzFrogs* July 20, 2019 at 9:27 am The only time I have issues with them falling out is when I try to wear them when I’m eating. My husband and I both have them and I’d say the only consistent issue we’ve had with them is dropping them. They don’t break when dropped, but the little case will generally pop open when it hits the floor, and the ‘pods themselves scatter. There’s no guessing where they are; they defy physics. The only real solution is to drop to the floor and look at every inch of it until you find them. I dropped mine at the kitchen table yesterday; the case ended up under a nearby chair, the ‘pods I found across the room and behind a trash can. (Behind!!!) My husband dropped his one time and I found one of them in the fireplace we’d hidden behind a bookshelf.
HamlindigoBlue* July 20, 2019 at 11:32 am They work really well, and I’ve had no problems with them falling out of my ears. I wouldn’t exercise using them, though. Even though the promo photos do show people working out while using them, they are not sweat or water resistant. I have a different set for working out that are sweat/water resistant.
Kimmybear* July 20, 2019 at 2:02 pm I like them a lot. The only time they fall out for me is when my preschooler tries to wiggle my ears or smoosh my cheeks.
Deschain* July 20, 2019 at 2:36 pm I love mine. I like to share them with my husband and listen to audio books together. I get the left pod and he gets the right. As long as we’re within a room of each other they work perfectly.
Sam Foster* July 20, 2019 at 7:13 pm Apple has at least a 14-day return policy. I tried the Airpods and they didn’t work for me but my girlfriend loves hers so I’d buy them, try them and return them if they don’t work out.
Rideless* July 20, 2019 at 4:40 am One of my great fears came to pass a couple weeks ago: Our car got totaled. No one got hurt, and I wasn’t at fault (though I was driving – scared the crap out of me), but it’s our only car and we don’t have many friends or family members who can help us get rides. I’m currently paying some of my coworkers to take me to and from work. After our last car (which was paid off) got totaled while we were at a stop sign, we decided we wanted to pay more for insurance so we wouldn’t need to worry as much about accidents (besides injuries, of course). We’re careful drivers, but having lost a car through absolutely no fault of ours, we wanted to be well covered. So, we have great insurance, but this whole process has still been extremely frustrating and way more expensive than we ever anticipated. The insurance company paid for a rental car for a week, and the rental company let us get another week at the insurance’s rate, but now we can’t afford it. We expected to be able to buy a used car within that time period, but it took more time than that for the insurance company to do its investigation and reimburse us the cost of the car. Now the case is resolved and the insurance company has sent a check for the cost of our car + the “car replacement assistance” to the bank to settle the loan. With the extra, we should be able to buy a cheap but functional used car without taking out another loan. The insurance company says they’ve done everything they’re supposed to do. They sent the check off to the bank; they’re done. However, the check should have arrived within 3-5 business days and it’s now been 8 business days. There’s no tracking number for the envelope the check was sent in, so we have no idea why it’s taking so long to arrive. Maybe it just got delayed, but for all we know, it’s been lost in the mail. On top of that, the bank is super slow. I was told, once received, the check will take 2 business days to be processed, then another 8(!) business days for them to send a letter of closure and get the remainder of the money to us (by check, of course). So, basically, even after the insurance is completely resolved, the bank wants us to experience a minimum of TWO WEEKS of not having a car and not being able to buy one. Not only that, but they sent us a letter saying they are legally allowed to take up to 60 days to give us our money. The letter also informed us that we must continue making our loan payments (including interest, of course) during that time. (Funnily enough, that letter managed to arrive in less than 2 business days.) I cannot describe my frustration, anxiety, and anger at this whole situation! First of all, why didn’t the insurance company pay for a rental for the whole time it took for us to get our money back? Or at least until the case was settled and they were ready to release the reimbursement. Second, why the hell are they sending checks through the mail? It’s 2019! Everything is digital! They have no problem with accepting our loan payments or car insurance payments online, why not the reimbursement? Third, why was there no tracking number for the check? I looked it up: it costs $3.77 to get a tracking number for a letter. Surely that’s not too much for a check worth almost $10,000! Fourth, why is it suddenly taking so long? All the other letters and documents have arrived within a day or two of being sent. Why did they switch to slower mail methods as soon as it was time for us to get reimbursed? Arrrrggg! Okay, so here’s what I need to know from you guys: 1. Is this normal? Is this something people just expect whenever a car gets totaled? Or are there insurance companies and banks that do it better? Is there a form of coverage that we could have gotten that would have paid for a rental for this whole time? Is there anything else we could have done to make this easier? (We didn’t have to deal with this before because the car was paid off, so we didn’t expect it.) 2. How do you manage? Between the rental (we got the damage waiver, which the insurance company didn’t cover) and the cost of paying for rides, we’ve used almost $700. That’s over half our savings and money we would have put towards the replacement car. Thankfully we have savings, but I can’t imagine how someone who lives paycheck to paycheck manages without a car for a month. 3. Are there any grounds for demanding reimbursement for all this hassle, either from the bank or the insurance company? 4. How do I manage my stress about driving? I’m already a very cautious driver. When I got anxious, I used to reassure myself with the thought that our insurance would cover everything and although I or my passengers might be harmed, at least I didn’t have to worry about the car. This kind of experience has the potential to make me paranoid when I get into our next car. 5. I’m starting to get cabin fever. Neighborhood walks aren’t enough. What do I do to keep myself sane in my apartment? 6. Is there any other advice you can give me for dealing with this problem? (Besides not getting hit, of course.)
Just a guy in a cube* July 20, 2019 at 6:21 am (Not am insurance expert, but totaled a car last year, and work technology in the industry) – I’d go back to your claims adjuster and ask that they keep paying for a rental until the check they issued gets to the bank & clears, and you have the chance to get your new car. Their job is to make you whole, and you’re not back to pre-accident status, so they’re not done. If the adjuster gives you trouble and you have an agent, call your agent, they’re good at advocating for you. If no agent, call customer service. I’d think they should also cover any additional expenses to the bank during the time from when they issued the check … they are supposed to cover the gap, not be so slow you make an extra payment and then pocket the refund from the bank. My take is that your insurance company is not treating you well at exactly the point when they’re supposed to. See if you can find someone other than the claims adjuster to help advocate for you (including threatening to find another insurance carrier … and honestly right after a loss isn’t the best time to go insurance shopping, but if you weren’t at fault, a good agent should be able to help you find someone better in the future, so regardless of whether they come through for you, I’d see if you can get someone else … you know how you’re going to be treated the next time you need them)
Red Sky* July 20, 2019 at 9:42 am I had a somewhat similar experience and frustration about a year ago. I also posted here for advice and one of the most helpful tips I got was to contact my states Insurance Commissioner, which I did, and they were incredibly helpful in explaining my rights as well as offering to contact the insurance company on my behalf without actually filing a formal complaint and starting an investigation. Kind of a ‘heads up, we’re watching’ to light a fire under their a$$e$.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 10:36 am Agreed. My late husband was an insurance adjuster for a while. (He could only stand so much and then got out.) He would definitely say call the state insurance commissioner’s office or send them an email. Make sure to include all the points you cover here. It’s just plain disrespectful, you know, because when we get a bill we have to pay it right on time or the earth comes to a screaming halt. But if we have a claim they can fiddly-fart around and make things unnecessarily cumbersome. (My husband did not last in this field because he was too much about being fair and doing the right thing. His bosses decided he was a rebel.) When you write the state be sure to lay out the time frame as you have here so the recipient can see the exact nature and extent of your problem.
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 12:17 pm This looks like solid advice. After this is settled, I’d look into getting a different insurance company and a different bank. Research which insurance companies and banks have the lowest customer complaints. Some financial advisors suggest switching insurance companies every 2 to 3 years anyway to take advantage of new customer rates. Sorry you’re having such troubles. Hope they resolve soon.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 1:41 pm I am a big fan of having an insurance agent. When you pick out an insurance agent you want an agency that does business with many insurance companies. Mine does business with just over 100 insurance companies. This will help you get really good rates because of the amount of choices the agent has. And as others have said, your agent is your advocate. A strong insurance agency would have gone to bat for you in this situation here.
PeteyKat* July 20, 2019 at 11:40 am I can only comment on the car rental portion of your issue as I have never experienced as severe an accident as yours. Do you have a car rental reimbursement cap? I know my policy will reimburse us up to $600 per incident. Depending on how long it takes to repair my car, I might go with a smaller vehicle. I’m sorry it’s taking so long. I know it’s a financial and mental hardship. Hang in there. Call your agent and your adjuster. I hope you can put this behind you soon and buy a new to you car shortly!
Gatomon* July 20, 2019 at 1:39 pm +1 My insurance has different levels of reimbursement that you can elect, there’s a cap by number of days and max cost. A more expensive rental might hit the cost cap before you hit the number of days cap, though I know that’s not always something you can help. Pretty much every time I’ve gone to rent a car they’ve never had what I actually rented available and always tried to upsell me into something else.
Sue* July 20, 2019 at 11:57 am Agree on Insurance Commissioner (make your explanation concise, they regulate insurance, not banks or postal) but also, read your policy to know what your coverage entails. Don’t sign a release until they have fully paid all that you are entitled to receive. Paying for your rental car or other expenses for alternative transportation is pretty standard. If you have a local insurance agent, they are also helpful but many people no longer get insurance that way.
Trixie* July 20, 2019 at 12:50 pm I was in a similar accident last year. The other driver was at-fault, and their insurance declared the car a total loss. Sent a check to my credit union and once my loan was paid off, balance went to my account. Now the car rental, I had a rental for almost a month but it still felt tight which it wasn’t compared to a week! Once the rental was done, I am fortunate in the my job is fairly close to home. If needed, Uber is decent. I can’t carpool but I did have enough emergency funds on hand to see me through. It was stressful looking at cars at night and either trying to drive them to my mechanic for inspection during the week (personal time from work) or on Saturdays when mechanic was slammed. The car I purchased was probably 1.5 hours away and because it was too far to get to my mechanic, I had researched a local shop near the dealer. Again, I didn’t go with the full “buyer’s inspection” but just the highlights since it was a newer car with low mileage. Once I found a car I liked (same model I just lost), I started loan paperwork immediately with my credit union. It was a tight turnaround between waiting on insurance check and applying leftover balance as down payment on new car. Like others have said, I would check for a local credit union who are often very competitive with rates and terms. I put down a pretty large down payment because i wanted a low rate and low monthly payment. Plus my credit union allows me to pay off early, penalty-free, and save on interest. Granted I’m paying off interest up front but still saving money. Driving will become comfortable again but I noticed I keep a much larger bubble of space around me these days. The cabin fever is real but it is temporary. I just needed to remind myself that this too shall pass. And when it does, it’s such a relief.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 5:21 am If it wasn’t your fault then the at-fault party should be paying for all your costs. Did they have insurance? If so contact their insurance company. If they didn’t have insurance contact them and ask them to pay for a rental car or else you will sue them. If they don’t pay then start the legal process to claim your costs back. I know sueing will cost money but you will also be able to claim back costs and interest.
blackcat* July 21, 2019 at 5:25 pm Yikes. No, that is not normal. My one car-totally accident was eventually declared shared-fault (they assigned percentages), but payment from the insurance did not require that that be completed. Not at all. Car accident was 7am on a Friday before a long weekend, so I didn’t expect anything to happen quickly. At 3pm, the insurance adjuster called telling me that it was totaled and how much they’d give me for the car. (This was FAST) Money was direct deposited into my account by noon on Saturday. Funds were immediately available. New car was purchased by noon on Sunday. The report of at-fault-ness took a month? Maybe 2? And because I had bought the new car, I had locked in my rate for the next year before being declared at shared fault. I would definitely ask your insurance to keep covering the rental. And if you live in a state where they sell insurance, I HIGHLY recommend Travelers based on the above experience. They were so, so good, and handled my crying on the phone so well. (I loved my car!) A++++++ couldn’t recommend more.
Justathought* July 22, 2019 at 1:03 pm In the town I live in there is a Facebook page for neighbors & friends. Quite often, people are advertising personal services, such as rides to the airports, etc. If your town has a similar page, you might try there, if no one provides a ride service, maybe someone has a car you could borrow for a few weeks at a lower price than the rent a car even. The Bank: Go in to your local branch and explain the problem to your local Branch Manager. Having a personal touch might be able to speed things up a bit. Oh, and if the check isn’t there yet, request a stop payment and ask for a re-issue to be sent overnight/1 day delivery directly to that Branch Manager. All else fails, maybe said Branch Manager processes a personal loan application (no collateral needed and is usually same day/next day service) for the amount you calculated as getting back. As long as there isn’t a pre-payment penalty, you could pay off the loan after receiving what is owed to you. That way you could get the car in a more timely manner.
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 4:41 am I had the pre-op meeting yesterday regarding the lung biopsy scheduled this Thursday 7/25. Until yesterday, I was able to keep my health concerns in the back of my mind and not get hung up on a bunch of anxiety and “what if” questions. Now, the surgery is closer and I am having more difficulty with the emotional stress. I’ve been checking in with my therapist, DH, sister etc. I’m also actively getting out and doing things to keep from isolating with my thoughts. (A huge new public library branch recently opened at a much more convenient location than previous. It’s fantastic, and my book nerd heart is very happy!!!) Unfortunately I am still finding myself increasingly anxious. (It hasn’t helped that I has to stop estrogen supplements bc my particular cancer is estrogen positive. Needless to say the internal equilibrium is definitely off balance.). Thanks again everyone for the hugs, prayers and warm thoughts. Y’all have been a true blessing.
Venus* July 20, 2019 at 3:37 pm My heart goes out to you. Please know that you have a big group of people who are hoping for the best, and our thoughts will be with you Thursday.
Breast Solidarity* July 20, 2019 at 7:41 pm I’ll be thinking of you! The stress of waiting is so hard, but you will be on the other side of it soon and hopefully next weekend you can sleep to your heart’s content and do more fun things. Hang in there!
Breast Solidarity* July 20, 2019 at 7:44 pm (meaning, the other side of this step. I know you have a long road ahead, but one step at a time!)
Quandong* July 20, 2019 at 8:00 pm Sending good wishes and hugs. I’m sorry you’re also dealing with the effects of stopping oestrogen supplements, ugh.
Surrogate Tongue Pop* July 20, 2019 at 8:45 pm Hugs and everything else you need (virtually). Anxiety and nervousness are normal. Don’t forget that. You’re leaning on those around you, keep doing that, it helps ebb and flow the nervousness and anxiety (which may always lurk as you go through this, but it’s good to get intermittent relief). Meanwhile, we are all thinking of you, rooting for you, and sending all the positive vibes your way.
Owler* July 21, 2019 at 7:48 pm Yes, I’m adding my good wishes to the others. My VATS surgery was eight years ago this month, and I remember the anxiety as being overwhelming. I found it freeing to sometimes just lean into it and give myself permission to be anxious and upset..but set a time to remind myself to move on. I don’t know if that makes sense.
Charlotte* July 20, 2019 at 4:53 am I know this is a sensitive topic among commenters here, so thought I’d check before posting. Is it okay to talk about food/diet/health-related stuff here?
PX* July 20, 2019 at 5:26 am Generally yes. I’d suggest putting a note at the beginning so people can skip it if they want, but there are usually a fair amount of food/diet threads on the weekends!
LCL* July 20, 2019 at 12:01 pm Not forbidden. But it’s a touchy subject, and will result in angry posts from someone.
PX* July 20, 2019 at 5:25 am Stand up comedy thread! Slightly different one today, but I’ve found myself getting a bit more into this recently. Perhaps due to the fact that I love Katherine Ryan and you should all go watch her special on Netflix: Glitter Room, and then watch the older special: In Trouble. I’m in the UK where the comedy circuit is slightly different, and comedians tend to work their way up through panel shows (The Fix on Netflix was the first attempt at doing this for an American audience if you’re interested), so I’m used to being vaguely aware of many comedians, but never really following their progress into full standup shows/specials. However now that I follow a bunch of them on Instagram, its making me want to go see more shows. I was very sad to find out I missed a comedy festival in my city which had loads of people I’d have loved to see! So in that vein, who else should I go look into? At the moment I’m into the incestuous circle of funny, smart, feminist British and Irish women: the aforementioned Katherine Ryan, Sara Pascoe (Lads Lads Lads was so good!), Aisling Bea and Roisin Conaty. Others who I feel I’d pay money to see based on their Instagram presence are Joel Kim Booster and Larry Dean – although I suspect for instance Rob Delaney might also be someone I should investigate (loved Catastrophe and he seems nicely funny). Jimmy Carr is someone I can only handle in small doses now, although I dont mind his type of humour too much. I’ve never watched any of the classic American standups (Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock etc) so if anyone has good starting points for shows I should watch that would also be welcome.
Charlotte* July 20, 2019 at 5:46 am Have you watched any of Dara O’Brien’s standup shows? Many are available on Youtube. My (current) favourite is Bill Bailey, went to one of his shows last Christmas and it was fantastic. I find Jimmy Carr funny enough on panel shows, but when I tried to watch his standup I didn’t enjoy it at all.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 5:42 am Ooh yes. See, I just know Dara and Bill from like, QI or Mock the Week, but never really ventured beyond that. I’ll put them on my list and see what Youtube has to offer! Thanks!
Anonymatic YoYo* July 20, 2019 at 6:21 am There should be a load of shows coming through now as comedians finalise their routines for Edinburgh. Have you looked up free shows in your town? Most of this I suspect happens in London but hey, its not the center of the universe :) I don’t do comedy shows as a rule as I prefer sketch comedy, but I really enjoyed seeing Dylan Moran live a number of years ago – very smart and very funny, and I saw Eddie Izzard do a ten minute shtick a few years ago – however he has gotten quite political. On the American side you definitely have to look up classic clips of George Carlin, Dave Chappelle, Bill Hicks, and Richard Pryor. Probably good to remember that a lot of the classics were ‘of their time’.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 5:47 am Hah, I’ve recently seen a slew of people promoting ‘work in progress’ shows, alas, not near me (damn you London!) Ooh Dylan Moran. I just associate him with Black Books but I’ll check him out. Looks like he might be on tour next year :D Thanks for the list (and warning) on classic Americans. I’ll see what Youtube has to offer :D
The Other Dawn* July 20, 2019 at 6:33 am I’d recommend Wanda Sykes. She’s funny as hell. And I agree with Anonymatic YoYo that the American classics were ‘of their time’, so lots of very politically incorrect humor.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 6:40 am Wanda Sykes, another name I vaguely know, so I’ll make sure I check her out. Thanks!
Middle School Teacher* July 20, 2019 at 7:17 am I really like David Mitchell. I’ll watch or listen to anything with him. Same with Richard Osman.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 5:49 am Hmm. I’ve always felt somewhat ambiguous about David Mitchell. Richard Osman however I feel is such a stealthily funny guy. When he’s been on things which arent Pointless, I’m always a bit surprised by just how sharp he is. Will add him to the list!
Dragonista* July 20, 2019 at 8:52 am I went to an Edinburgh preview show at my local comedy club last night. Archie Maddocks and Jen Brister did an hour each, both really funny. You could try listening to the podcast The Comedians Comedian to get a sense of some people on the circuit right now. There are a lot of podcasts hosted by British comedians – let me know if you want more recommendations. Personal faves: Rachel Fairburn, Kiri Pritchard-McLean, Suzi Ruffell, Luisa Omielan – two of her shows are available on YouTube. Ed Gamble, Rich Wilson, Rosie Jones. Jamali Maddix is very funny, you can see his tv series Hate Thy Neighbor, 2 seasons so far where he goes and meets all sorts of people with extremist views. The programme documentary style intercut with scenes from his stand up. (Vice channel)
PX* July 21, 2019 at 5:55 am Oooh. I’ve been listening to lots of podcasts recently so next weeks question will probably be for a good app that I can use to subscribe to everything I want – and then I’ll probably come back for recommendations ;) But The Comedians Comedian sounds like a good starting point so I’ll check that out. Thanks for that list of faves! I feel I shall not be short of things to look into for the next couple of weeks :)
Freelance Accountant* July 20, 2019 at 9:08 am Wanda Sykes netflix special is great. And, if you haven’t already, check out “8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown”. You can find lots of the episodes on youtube. It’s all those great comedians doing a terrible job playing a gameshow, with Jimmy Carr hosting.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 5:52 am Ahaha. I’ve watched way too much 8 out of 10 cats does countdown and actually had to take a break from it :D But as you are #2 to recommend Wanda Sykes I’ll make sure I check her out!
Serious Sam* July 20, 2019 at 9:17 am If you can, go to the Edinburgh Fringe, and take in a lot of the free shows. These are free to enter, but a donation is expected on exit, usually about £5.00. The quality will be really mixed, some great, some appalling. Do not be afraid of walking out of a free-to-enter show you are not enjoying without paying. Lots of people start out this way. One worth following is Sarah Keyworth, there are several videos of her on YouTube.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 6:06 am Ahh Edinburgh Fringe is always one one of those: “I should really plan ahead and book time to go things” which I never quite get round to doing. Maybe next year! Thanks for the Sarah Keyworth rec, will check her out :)
PX* July 21, 2019 at 6:07 am Thanks! Youtube seems to have plenty of his shows, so I’ll give him a try.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 10:00 am Oooh, this is my thread! First, there are two services you might want to know about. There is NextUp Comedy, which is a British streaming service for standup; there are a few Americans in there and a couple of Aussies/Irish, but it’s almost entirely British. It’s got monthly, daily, and yearly passes; the monthly is $6.99 in the US and I think maybe £3.99 for you? It’s not necessarily hot off the presses stuff, but it’s got a lot of material filmed in smaller clubs (lots from the Bill Murray) and at the Fringe from previous years. Second, there is Go Faster Stripe, which produces a lot of comedy media; they have a membership where you get three free downloads and then a new monthly one, kind of a pot luck, every month. I’ll append links to both in followup. I super, super recommend Laura Lexx, who’s on Next Up; also great are Danielle Ward and Rachel Parris. Lou Sanders is a taste call; I had to watch her on Taskmaster (and if you are not watching Taskmaster, watch Taskmaster) before I got the hang of her and then thoroughly enjoyed her. Outside of that, I really like a lot of Adam Hills and his stuff on the Paralympics is terrific. I love Kevin Bridges to pieces. Oh! James Acaster is amazing and he’s got a four-parter on Netflix. Greg Davies is very funny. Another way to find standups, especially British, is to look at Richard Herring’s Leicester Square Podcast. They’ve actually been videoed for years and they’re on YouTube; they’re hour-long talks with various standups or other entertainers, and they’re really interesting, despite Rich being kind of annoying. Katherine Ryan has done a couple, I think, and I just find her really fascinating. She’s kind of evolved from a Joan Rivers-esque persona to something more interesting. In American terms, I’d also recommend Maria Bamford and John Mulaney as the top of my current list.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 10:01 am https://watch.nextupcomedy.com/signup/package https://www.gofasterstripe.com/cgi-bin/website.cgi
Not a cat* July 20, 2019 at 4:02 pm John Mulaney did a 92 Street Y interview (podcast or YouTube) that made me laugh so hard I got a cramp.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 6:19 am Wooo thanks for all this info fposte! I had no idea about any of those services so I’ll look into them. And Taskmaster! Its one of those things I kept hearing about, but as I’ve realised this week when I finally got round to watching Gameface – apparently titles have a massive influence on whether or not I’ll prioritise watching something. Case in point, I’ve never had any idea what Taskmaster is about, and despite it popping up several times – just the title alone made me assume it wouldnt be something I wanted to watch. But I shall queue it up (thanks Dave!) and put it on the to watch list. Richard Herrings Leicester Square Podcasts – I’ve watched a few (eg the most recent Katherine Ryan one), and like you say, he’s a bit annoying but I can definitely see them being a good way to find comedians. If anything, the problem there is just the overwhelming amount of them. Given they’re so long, I’m more inclined to watch them if its someone I already know and want to learn more about vs. just turning it on for a random stranger, but maybe I’ll just skim the names and use that as a way to find new people to try out. Thanks for all those names as well – I’m familiar with some (did the usual trick of getting into James Acaster just after he had finished touring and been in my city :/ ), but John Mulaney has floated around long enough that I really do need to watch his shows in full.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 10:38 am He was so much everybody’s quote a couple of years ago that I was kind of put off, but then I watched the shows and was like “Okay, fair enough, this is great.” For Taskmaster, don’t start with the current season, 8. 7 would be a good one to start with as it’s the best of them all, but starting with 1 would be fine if you’re a do-things-in-order person. And describing it doesn’t do it justice–the American one with the same formula (comedians have to do silly things) failed because they couldn’t get the dynamics right. (PS to Americans–Dailymotion has UK Taskmaster episodes.)
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 10:01 am These days I have been watching/listening to comedy such as Jeanne Robertson, Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy etc. I find them all quite hilarious and for those who find language an issue…I have never found an uncomfortable thing about their routines. As someone raised in SE USA by people from the”deep South,” I have a deep appreciation for their style of comedy.
MsChanandlerBong* July 20, 2019 at 12:40 pm I just saw Jeff Foxworthy a few months ago, and he was really good! I also love Bill Engvall, but he hasn’t had any shows around here. I’m hoping to see him live someday.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 6:20 am Oooh those names are all new to me, and I probably need more cultural variety in my comedians so I’ll definitely check them out. Thanks!
Apollo Warbucks* July 20, 2019 at 12:11 pm Ed Byrne Russell Howard Daniel Sloss (I think he’s very good but, can be pretty offensive) James Acaster (he’s got three specials on Netflix) Jo Brand Milton Jones Stewart Francis Michael McIntyre
Enter_the_Dragonfly* July 21, 2019 at 11:35 am Seconded! Especially Ed Byrne and Michael McIntrye. I know someone else mentioned Dara O’Brein (sp?), he’s a must. On top of those I cannot recommend the stand-up shows of these next two enough – Adam Hills (seriously, you won’t be able to breath from laughing, his interactions with his sign language interpreter are amazing if rather rude) and Jason Manford (the self described ‘fat Michael Owen’) who is just good fun, especially his early stuff. Theirs are slightly older comedy specials, but still gold. Kevin Bridges also has his moments.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 5:16 pm Heh, we clearly have similar tastes. Adam Hills on the Paralympics is especially brilliant, but I also just love his routine about working with the Muppets. Which is delightful but involves going down a rocky conceptual road to get there, for those who thought it might sound too sweetsy.
Enter_the_Dragonfly* July 21, 2019 at 6:52 pm I love the bit about the Muppets! But my absolute favorites have to be 1. The kid on the beach screaming about his artificial leg and 2. The man who is ‘passionate about pizza, my friend!’ Objectively, neither are his funniest stories, but he just tells them with such joy!
MsChanandlerBong* July 20, 2019 at 12:39 pm I really like Jim Gaffigan, Maria Bamford, Louie Anderson, John Mulaney, Lewis Black, Gabriel Iglesias (“Fluffy”), and Kathleen Madigan. Jackie Kashian (I saw her when she opened a show for Maria Bamford) is also hilarious. If you have Amazon Prime, you can watch all of George Carlin’s old specials on Prime Video for free–he was one of my favorites, and I am bummed he died before I could see him live. Iliza Shlesinger is also good, although I liked her first two specials better than the most recent one.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 6:39 am Oooh lots of new names there – thanks! Will add them to my lovely long list now :)
Foreign Octopus* July 20, 2019 at 2:10 pm First of all, I loved Katherine Ryan’s Glitter Room. Her bit about Hamilton was so funny. I’ve sent it to everyone I know. She’s brilliant. I recommend Sarah Millican from the British crowd (very relatable), also Peter Kay. I think most of his material is over ten years old now but he’s very, very good. You have to watch John Mulaney though. He is my favourite comedian by far. His Comeback Kid and Kid Gorgeous (both available on Netflix) are comedy gold. You get so many good bits – meeting Bill Clinton, his riffs on old movies, JJ Bittenbinder, and my ultimate favourite: a horse loose in a hospital. Please do watch him, you won’t regret it.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 6:38 am Yes, another Katherine Ryan fan! And yes, the bit about Hamilton was so good! Ooh Peter Kay, thats a name I feel I havent seen in years. I’ll see what the good Youtube has to offer and will also add Sarah Millican to my list. And I guess I know what I shall do this evening – finally get round to watching John Mulaney!
Enter_the_Dragonfly* July 21, 2019 at 11:37 am Please let us know what you think! Also, you’ll enjoy it more if you watch his specials in order, he builds on some of his old material.
PX* July 21, 2019 at 6:45 am Thank you guys for all the recommendations! I have lots of Youtube tabs open so I think my next few weeks are sorted :) As a thank you, it turns out that Sara Pascoe’s show is now on Youtube (at least where I am), so I would highly recommend it: Lads Lads Lads! My absolutely favourite bit is about two thirds in (~45 minutes) where she talks about First Dates (tv show) and the expectation of men paying. I just died laughing the first time I watched it.
WrenF* July 21, 2019 at 12:37 pm We’ve enjoyed the Netflix Jerry Seinfeld show “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.” He interviews/riffs with tons of different comedians and there are several seasons available. You get a taste of lots of different comedians and their styles. He even has one show with Barack Obama that is fascinating. Our faves include Trevor Noah, Letterman, Bill Burr, Fred Armisen, Jimmy Fallon, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Sebastian Maniscalco. And Jim Gaffigan. It’s easy-going and fun.
Charlotte* July 20, 2019 at 5:42 am Has anyone ever had trouble from a downstairs neighbour? My upstairs neighbour is quite a heavy-footed (is that the right phrase?) person and I can often hear him stomping around upstairs. I’m thinking that if I was to move would it be a good idea to go for a top-floor apartment.
Just a guy in a cube* July 20, 2019 at 6:24 am We had a ground floor apartment where the landlord’s brother liked to work out in the evenings (thumping bass, sound of equipment clanging) … turned out to be more obnoxious than the family with toddler above us. So less likely than problems upstairs, but it can happen
Julia* July 20, 2019 at 7:47 am We chose a top floor apartment and can hear the people below us slamming their doors or furniture. We also used to live in a very heavy concrete building where the only noise complaint we had was the gym room right below us and people dropping weights to obnoxiously loud music.
Caterpie* July 20, 2019 at 8:13 am I feel your pain, our old upstairs neighbors were incredibly loud but luckily moved out a few months ago. We considered asking to move to a top floor apartment but we figured that there’s no guarantee we wouldn’t have loud neighbors to the sides or other issues like weed/tobacco smoking smells. As for downstairs neighbor noise, my experience is that it is considerably less than upstairs noise but at my last place my downstairs neighbors had a lot of screaming matches, of which I could hear every word.
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 8:16 am In my top floor apartment, my only issue was that about every 6 months my downstairs neighbor decided to blast country music at top speaker volume (powerful system) at 2am. But that wouldn’t have just bothered me. I think if you do have problems, it’s more likely to come from someone who thinks you are too loud above them, and that’s not something you can really evaluate ahead of time.
Pharmgirl* July 20, 2019 at 8:41 am I’m in a four unit condo building (two up, two down). I have a top floor unit, and the lady below me is older and hard of hearing. She plays her tv at the highest volume possible, and because the builders didn’t do a great job with soundproofing, I can often hear every word of what she’s watching. I’m sure this is a pretty rare scenario – there’s also no carpeting and higher ceilings so it’s more echoey. It’s something to keep in mind, but generally top floor units will have less noise.
Jaid* July 20, 2019 at 11:28 am Depending on the neighbor, I can hear conversations and/or their TV. One neighbor was super quiet…except a couple of times a week, it sounded like she dropped a bowling ball on the floor. It didn’t bother me too much,but I’m sure HER downstairs neighbor wasn’t happy about it. Turned out she had her daughter living with her outside the lease, so she was evicted. I rarely hear my neighbors, and hope they stay as long as I do!
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 11:58 am I briefly lived in a studio apartment with someone downstairs who smoked on their porch. No smoking apartments, but the patio was legit because it was outside. I’ve also heard stories of others whose downstairs neighbors were , er, hygiene risks.
Gatomon* July 20, 2019 at 1:45 pm I had one place that was just older and thinly built. The people below were constantly complaining about us “throwing parties” all night long. It was me, a broke recent grad who couldn’t afford toilet paper let alone a party, and my rando roommate, a dude who had a tendency to get drunk while cooking incredible meals and then pass out on his bed afterward. My landlord didn’t really buy any of it. I suspect they wanted us evicted so they could take the upper apartment, which was bigger and had a patio. Everywhere else I’ve lived top floor I have never had issues (2 other places, one of similar age and another much newer and better built). It’s a huge pain when moving in and out, and day-to-day when bringing up groceries, but after the hellish experience I had in a bottom floor apartment once, it’s absolutely worth it.
Gatomon* July 20, 2019 at 1:47 pm Oh, I did have a friend who rented a top floor newer apartment that was just AWFUL. The floors were all laminate wood, so there was no sound dampening. And no insulation anywhere I guess. It looked pretty but the place just echoed. And you could hear the people downstairs opening and closing doors, flushing toilets, just talking day to day. One night about 10 p.m. we were on her couch talking in normal voices, and the guy who just moved in downstairs came up to complain about us shouting or something. My friend was glad to move out of that place.
A teacher* July 20, 2019 at 2:10 pm We briefly had a downstairs neighbour who a couple of times came home from the pub and cranked his music and (I think) fell asleep, because it would go on playing until pretty late. He also would talk loudly to himself and sounded quite angry sometimes, which was kinda alarming. But he was actually a nice enough man and stopped the thing with the music once my husband asked him to. We never did say anything about the loud talking, though.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 5:00 pm I had a neighbor in college who did that with his TV — turned it up and then fell asleep in front of it. Lucky for me, he usually left his door unlocked (!!!dumbass!!!) so I’d just go in and turn it down.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 2:11 pm Top floor apartments also tend to be warmer than bottom floor apartments since heat rises from the lower floors. This can be a great cost-savings in the winter if you happen to have a downstairs neighbor with compatible thermostat settings, but can be an issue in summers and/or if you get a downstairs neighbor who wants to live in a sauna. (This is particularly true if your building has electric ceiling heat, since their heater is essentially in your floor.) My grandparents once lived over someone who ran the heat so high that the grandparents never ran theirs at all, and had the windows open and fans going most of the year to try to keep their place a reasonable temperature. You can also get people locking bikes to the stairwell in such a way that it’s difficult to get up and down the stairs if you need to use the railing. Some cyclists have apparently never needed to rely on stair railings themselves and don’t really understand why they can’t block them to lock up their bikes.
Chaordic One* July 21, 2019 at 4:06 am Not just this, but where I live a lot of buildings are built using slab foundations and the first floor of a house or apartment with a slab foundation always seems cold in the winter time.
Foreign Octopus* July 20, 2019 at 2:13 pm Oh my god, yes. They played the TV so loud! Not a problem during the day, I can ignore it, but they left it on all night as well and not even ear plugs worked. I had to go and have an awkwardly angry and sleep-deprived conversation in Spanish with them and remind them that other people live in the building. The problem was that he was deaf so I helped him looked for wireless headphones and that solved that problem. I do recommend the top floor though. It’s always the prime location.
Anono-me* July 20, 2019 at 2:54 pm In the interim. I had good luck with asking to purchase a rug from Target for an upstairs neighbor. He bought his own rug and started taking off his work boots when he got home.
TechWorker* July 20, 2019 at 3:30 pm You might have the opposite problem to what you have now – I once had a downstairs neighbour who forbid us from using the washing machine overnight and complained if we did basically anything because it was too loud in his flat below. (Old building where the landlord had just replaced carpet with laminate flooring – so I can believe it was bad!)
Curmudgeon in California* July 21, 2019 at 6:32 pm I have hardwood floors. We have area rugs in high traffic areas and wear rubber-soled shoes, not hard soles.
YouwantmetodoWHAT?!* July 20, 2019 at 3:54 pm We lived in apt for just over two years when we moved to this city. We had two upstairs neighbors. 1st one: 6 yr old son would jump off his bunk bed – from the top bed. The noise was horrendous and our walls would shake. His stepfather would occasionally beat his mom. Yes, I called the police. She finally threw him out and got a restraining order when her son (the 6 year old) started physically bullying the smaller neighborhood kids. Then the first time she had a ‘date’ they were so loud I called the police because I thought her ex had broken in. Seriously, why scream ‘no, no!’ if it feels good? When they moved out we got a couple of young women. They were very nice, friendly and mostly quiet. However, they had frequent parties and the guy guests thought it was perfectly fine to throw their empties over the balcony. And to pee over the balcony. And to do flips in the living room. I live in a two story condo now, and have for the last 25+ years.
BahahaBlackSheep* July 20, 2019 at 4:04 pm Yup. My last year of college I was in a top floor apartment and the lady below me would smack the ceiling all the time because I was “way too loud”. It was carpeted and I made a point to walk carefully after her first comment, but she still complained all the time, even to management. About me, about my 15 pound emotional support dog that she could apparently hear jumping all over everything all the time (what? How!). At one point I accidentally hit our glass table top with a carpet cleaner and the whole thing (basically a 5 by 10 foot pane of glass) shattered and crashed to the floor. Me or someone else could have been very injured by this falling glass situation. She came running upstairs, not to check that me and/or my roommate were alright, but to yell at me about all the noise! She also once used her young granddaughter to get me to answer the door because I stopped opening the door when I could see her through the peep hole. So i opened it for a 7 year old girl, only to have her pop out and start yelling at me. In all my other living situations, I have had no problems with downstairs neighbors.
Curmudgeon in California* July 21, 2019 at 6:34 pm That would be an instant door slam from me, accompanied by expletives.
Reba* July 20, 2019 at 4:46 pm Heh, we just did this exact move. Extremely worth it IMO! Especially since, in my case, I already knew that the landlord was little help and the Upstairs Stomper was an aggressive dude, so I had little motivation to try to ameliorate the situation, and so we just got out. We can very occasionally hear the heavy footfalls of our downstairs person, now, but only in one part of the apt where I suspect they don’t have rugs or soft furniture (e.g. office); the place is a bit echo-ey. As other comments are suggesting, sound-dampening materials might be just as important as the unit placement.
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 7:44 pm Downstairs no…however upstairs yes. We had upstairs neighbors with a massive, rock concert size speaker in their living room. (The kind that would have doubled as a dinner table.). Long and complicated story short we ended up relocating to a townhouse style apartment. (Completely eliminated the issue of upstairs/downstairs neighbors.). Our new neighbors were a lovely Bosnian refugee family. We became good friends with each other, I would help with the children when needed and they kept an eye out for us, particularly when one or both of us was on hospital call for trauma. Good luck
Nita* July 21, 2019 at 2:55 am I’ve had problems a couple of times. Once we lived above a couple that was really sensitive to noise. We got lots of complaints about occasional child running/stomping. The other time, we lived above a smoker who wouldn’t go outside to smoke. They smoked in their bathroom, and the smell stank up my entire apartment. Thankfully they stopped after I complained to management, but if I understand correctly, they weren’t obligated to stop. They could have ignored the request and kept up the smoking, and there’d be nothing I could do.
Parenthetically* July 21, 2019 at 3:45 pm My first apartment, top floor. Lovely young woman downstairs, studying to be a nurse, working full-time. Super sweet. But listened to music at GOD-AWFUL levels while studying at 3 am until about the 4th time I went down bleary-eyed and asked her to PLEASE use headphones. (It got worse when her shitbag boyfriend moved in, but that’s neither here nor there.) I’d always choose to be on the top floor, but soundproofing is important regardless.
AFT* July 22, 2019 at 3:31 pm I once had a downstairs neighbor who would start texting me to hang out as soon as I would get home. He seemed okay at first but once he got my number (single female living alone) he basically stalked me for awhile. As soon as I would get home (I worked late shifts) he would start texting me, begging to come over to his place. He would also “check up on me” if I wasn’t home at my normal time. I finally flipped on him when he told me he could hear me in the shower. I moved out pretty quickly after that. I loved that apartment but didn’t feel safe there anymore.
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 5:47 am Gardening thread! I’m going to keep the top of this short because I want to go do what I can to prep my defenseless potted plants from today’s 100° (37.8C) forecast. If you’re in a place with temp like that, what do you try besides water? I’m thinking of moving some into the garage.
Approval is optional* July 20, 2019 at 6:29 am Summers where I live have regular 45C + days. I try to stick to native plants when it comes to decorative plants, but for ‘young’ natives and veggies I built a little canopy thing with a shade cloth top and shade cloth on one side – I face that side to the north (southern hemisphere) when it’s going to be very hot. I bury bottles of water upside down in pots if I’m not going to be around to water: the plants in the garden are older so don’t need daily watering.
The Other Dawn* July 20, 2019 at 6:53 am It supposed to be really disgusting here in CT this weekend. Since I demolished the old flower garden and it’s flat, I’m using it for my two potted cucumber plants and one tomato plant. I haven’t done anything other than completely soak the potted veggies this morning. I’ll check on them later today and just move them onto the patio if I need to. The garden is in the blazing sun from about 7 am until the sun sets, so I need to water those veggies pretty much everyday. They seem to love it, though!
WS* July 20, 2019 at 7:26 am This is pretty normal weather where I live, and I don’t really do anything differently – water very early in the morning, make sure the majority of the water is on the dirt not on the leaves, water again at night. If you can put them in the shade and on dirt rather than brick or concrete, do that, but the most important thing is the water.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 10:06 am Stuff doesn’t last in the Midwest if it can’t take the heat. Pea-type annuals and veg are expected to fade out come July and August even just with the 80s and 90s. I do have a Japanese maple that doesn’t like hot summers much, but there’s nothing special about this weekend for it and it picks up again in fall. (It also helps if it’s well watered, and Nature has been overthorough about that.) With container plants, I might rig up some shade if they’re in 100% sun or move them off of a reflective surface like concrete if they’re on it, but I don’t think I’d bother to move them. I’m not really doing containers this year but I’ve done them in past and never moved them around for heat. Just make sure they’re watered. (If they’re really small pots, of course, it might be easier just to move them because they’ll dry out fast.)
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 10:51 am Shade is my next go-to after water. I save old fruit baskets (the round bushel style that are taller) and I invert them over any new plants or tender plants. If you have to do a large area perhaps you can use old sheets in a clever set up. It makes it a pain to water though. I got into ground level water as opposed to overhead watering. I use a lot of soaker hoses on things. It just seems like the plant gets more of the water and there is less evaporation. Mulching is helpful for water retention also. (My community has some problems with municipal water supply, I like to think that I am conserving some of it.) Try to keep in mind that SOME heat is necessary. Japanese beetle grubs are a great example, the heat kills them off. We need that die-off or we will be swarmed. If you are pumping a lot of water into potted plants be sure to give them a little fertilizer as nutrients can wash out with heavy watering. I have found just a basic 5-10-5 is enough.
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 12:44 pm Shade. Most things down here are acclimated by midsummer, but if we get a spring heatwave when the seedlings are still tender, I’ll rig up a shadecloth by sticking a couple tomato cages in the ground and clothespin an old bedsheet or a length of white frost cloth over it, particularly to cover from the West. Morning sun is usually fine. (We do not have an HOA, thank goodness).
OyHiOh* July 20, 2019 at 1:50 pm What everyone else said. Water early in the morning and at dusk or after dark and then get as many plants into shade for the intense part of the day as possible. Some plants like a tiny bit of magnesium supplement (epsom salt) to help retain water but other plants hate it and die so I wouldn’t risk recommending that without knowing exactly what you have. Monday, contact your state’s university extension and ask about scheduling a garden talk with a master gardener. They’ll have lots of localized, specialized knowledge for how to deal with future heat waves.
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 2:26 pm My husband talked me out of moving the plants, except for the lilies I hadn’t gotten into the ground yet. Those are in the shade. We watered everything, and then I spent the last of my gardening energy picking slugs & beetles off of all the flowers (the zinnias are apparently tender and tasty.) My basil has bolted, so I will need to freeze tops and hope the bottoms come back. One dahlia is covered in powdery mildew and I moved it to its own area to keep that from spreading. The other is beetle lace. The fuscia isn’t recovering even indoors so it may be composted soon. But the bee balm burst into glorious red, the baby pineapple is growing quickly, and we have cucumbers ready to harvest.
SAHM* July 21, 2019 at 1:25 am Zinnias are apparently a weed in my garden. They exploded all over my yard and were suffocating my poor dahlias and my new baby chrysanthemums. So I pulled a bunch and replanted them, thinking they would probably die, but they grew! So yea, Zinnias are tough MF’ers. My mums are exploding into nice bushy plants instead of the random little sprouts they were. My son planted a pumpkin plant that’s overtaken half of the yard and has submerged two dahlias, four chrysanthemums, and my cheap purple flowering bush thing from Home Depot. He has pumpkins on it too! It’s about the size of two tennis balls and he’s named it “Little brother”. There are two other itty pumpkins which he’s named “Joey” and “Gooey”. I want to plant two more Red Baron peach trees bc every year (except the year it had a fungus) it’s exploded in peaches! And I think one of my neighbors must have planted a plum bc this year it exploded in plums too. I’m going to have to learn how to make plum jelly :-D My Asian pear is not doing so well though, I don’t think it’s surviving the fungus from last year so well. I am trying to decide what type of tree to plant in the corner that four yards intersect. Something leafy and green all year round bc the neighbor behind my next door neighbor is a two story and their master bedroom window looks into our yard. Not that our neighbors do, I just dislike having people that close/I prefer the illusion I’m alone in my backyard. So I want to plant a tree to block it. Most evergreens are out bc their root system is too invasive and will probably rip up my irrigation system. I’m considering an Avocado tree, my aunt has one and they get huge! But I don’t really know. I’m still researching. Thoughts?
Sam Sepiol* July 20, 2019 at 6:04 am https://medium.com/humungus/the-erotics-of-trent-reznor-efabd2fe2195 For any NIN fans, particularly women, who might have missed this. The author had me at the title and then the article was hilarious and spot-on (IMO, anyway!).
LCL* July 20, 2019 at 6:37 pm Wow, thanks for this! It is great! How could she make her argument without mentioning “The Only Time”?
Sam Sepiol* July 20, 2019 at 8:56 pm Hehe, I’m glad other people appreciated it too :) Good point about The Only Time!
downunderer* July 20, 2019 at 6:06 am Wise ones, I know there are a few people in Germany/with knowledge of German systems around here that might be able to give me some advice. My (semi-estranged) brother lives near Munich and is sadly likely to die in the next few days/weeks. He has no family and few friends there, and has avoided giving anyone in the family contact information (to the point that even though my father has travelled and stayed nearby to support him through treatment in previous years, my brother would not let him attend appointments or meet anyone involved with his care). My father has had recent health problems himself and is absolutely unable to travel to Europe (we are literally on the other side of the world) and I may be the only one able to go there (and only probably for a brief time). I’ve just been googling and see that German funerals/estates are very different to other parts of the world, obviously if the worst happens we will take consular advice, but if anyone can point me in the direction of what I am likely to need to do, that would be great. My brother also has very set ideas on what he wants done with his ashes, but it looks like that German law is very strict with no exceptions, and no way to take these out of the country. Is this true (it seems it might be under review?) What would the family obligations be? Sorry to be asking but this has all been thrust on me very recently and my brother has not communicated anything much of any practicalities (we have all been trying to get him to come back home but it looks like we are past that now).
Chocolate Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 6:32 am Not in Germany, but a neighbouring country, and there are likely to be administrative matters relating to registering the death at the local town hall. The consulate should be able to advise on funerals and funeral directors with experience of overseas mourners. Also, I know there is an English speaking church in Munich, so they might be able to point you in the right direction for information. My local church produces a booklet which explains what to do when somebody passes away here, and it is divided into 5 headings 1. Contact with the emergency or medical services 2. Registration of the death of the deceased at the town hall/local administrative centre 3. Contact with the undertakers 4. Contacting the person conducting the funeral service 5. Other tasks requiring attention (Bank accounts, insurance etc.) I hope this helps.
MoarWebcomics* July 20, 2019 at 6:35 am I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t really help you, but considering how close things seem to be, I’d go ahead and contact the Australian (? I assume from your name) embassy in Germany now. They’ll probably be able to answer your questions in detail and there’s nothing to be gained by waiting till your brother passes.
WS* July 20, 2019 at 7:29 am Absolutely contact the embassy in Germany ASAP – they will have experience dealing with this and will be able to be the intermediaries with local authorities.
Myrin* July 20, 2019 at 7:30 am The one person who knows everything regarding death is a Bestatter (Undertaker). You’d have to talk to one near your brother anyway because they’d be arranging the funeral proper, but you can usually ask them literally anything regarding administrative and practical tasks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. All the best!
Julia* July 20, 2019 at 7:51 am I have worked on a case with a Japanese national passing away in Germany and got his ashes to be delivered to his mother in Germany. It was not easy at all (especially since the cause of his death was unclear and it took some time to get cremation cleared), but it is possible. I don’t remember all the details, but definitely talk to your consulate and the Bestatter. The consulate might have one they recommend (who might be expensive) who may have dealt with similar cases before. I’m sorry that this is happening.
fhqwhgads* July 20, 2019 at 11:31 am Are you in the US and brother is in Germany? Is he a US citizen? One thing you might want to be aware of is if you anticipate needing his death certificate for anything, be prepared for some headaches. It’s possible it’s changed recently but I had an American relative die in Germany and family found out the hard way that, for privacy reasons or something, the info on a German death certificate is very different than what would be on an American one. There were loads and loads and loads of hoops to jump through to get the death certificate accepted in the US. I couldn’t believe there wasn’t a known process for this as surely Americans must die in all manner of countries every day, but it was a bureaucratic nightmare.
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 12:55 pm Not in Germany, but in my experiences with making arrangements, there were social workers/advisors available through the hospital or the hospice organization who were very knowledgeable and helpful about the process. From my experiences in Germany, people don’t always have the overt friendly/helpful attitude that is standard in my culture, but they will actually give you the info and assistance you need. Just more brusquely. If you are the official next of kin, someone is going to have to contact you when the time comes. Just keep asking questions and keep a notebook with everyone’s contact information in it. (I found it helpful to just staple their business cards or pamphlets right into the notebook). Asking a lot of “dumb” questions and being very direct about the fact that you have never dealt with this before, is a good way to get the help you need. I’m sorry you are going through this, and I hope you’re able to get there and see him before he goes.
DrTheLiz* July 20, 2019 at 1:36 pm One thing to know about: in German law, debts are heritable. Your brother shouldn’t have medical debt, but any other debts would (assuming he has no Will) pass to his next-of-kin. You’ll have six months to “reject the inheritance”, which is something you can do, but which then means you won’t get anything else of his. When you talk to the consulate, bring this up – they’ll likely have better advice than me! I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, and I hope things get better from here.
downunderer* July 20, 2019 at 9:10 pm Thanks everyone for your kind words and responses. I’ll talk to my father and look at contacting the embassy tomorrow, I’m not sure if I will be regarded as “next of kin” as a sister even though my father will not be able to travel. The family is based in Australasia, but I’ve realised there’s a new wrinkle which will make things more complicated. My brother and I (but not the rest of the family) have citizenship of another European country, and his residence in Germany will be under this citizenship, so I’m not sure how the notification and process will work. We’ve got very extended family there but I’ve had no contact with any of them for over 20 years so would prefer to deal with just the NZ/Australian/German authorities, but I guess may have no choice?
OhBehave* July 21, 2019 at 5:29 pm Given his lack of contact with you and not letting you know his exact final wishes, I would proceed with doing what you can with his remains within reason. Someone with such exacting plans should have made sure to keep in contact with those charged with settling his estate. I am so sorry you have to deal with so many unknowns. But at least you were given some warning. I hope that things go as smoothly as possible for him and you.
Amerdale* July 22, 2019 at 3:54 am Bit late, but I hope you still see it. Next of kin means in German the closest relatives – parents, children, husband/wife or siblings. So you shouldn’t have a problem but you might be asked to show some proof that you are indeed his sister. But I would also contact the embassy of the other Eurpoean Country (by the way is that country in the European Union? that might make things easier), it that is your brothers citizenship. The process in Germany is normaly roughly this: Someone notices that your brother has died. A doctor is called to examine the body and confirm his death and fill out the so-called Totenschein (this is NOT the official governmental death certificate!). In the Totenschein the doctor notes time and place and cause of the death. You need the Totenschein to request a Sterbeurkunde (the official document) at the local Standesamt (Civil registry) along with your brothers passport and birth certificate. And maybe more documents that I don’t recall right now. But this is something you want someone with with knowledge of the German system and who speaks German (especially the overcomplicated expression governments use…). Either someone from the embassy or a Bestatter (undertaker) who can guide and advice you.
MoarWebcomics* July 20, 2019 at 6:25 am I need some webcomic suggestions! I’m pretty much caught up on my favorites and need some new ones. These are my favs: Schlock Mercenary: A gag-a-day scifi story about snarky, semi-ethical mercenaries far in the future. Plausible science and very interesting plots and characters. Massive archives – one strip per day since 2010. Outsider Webcomic: A beautifully illustrated comic about humans developing interplanetary space travel only to find that the galaxy is at war. The only survivor of the first mission has to pick a side with very little information to go off of. (Updates extremely rarely and has very little in the way of archives, but shows a lot of promise.) The Whiteboard (by Doc Nickel): Talking animals playing paintball and trying to run a small business. Semi-slice of life with a twist of exaggerated science. Great characters and stories, big archive. Question Duck: A sadly finished comic about the travels of a silent man and his duck who likes to ask off-topic but thought-provoking questions about the world. The art starts a bit rough, but gets very nice at the end. Small archive. XKCD: You’ve probably read it. If not, it’s a stick figure comic that makes a lot of funny but poignant observations about the world. Lots of random graphs and maps that make you think. Huge archive. Freefall: A genetically engineered wolf with human intelligence leads the fight for robot civil rights in the far future while keeping her kleptomaniac “sqid” captain out of trouble. Solid science, simple but well-executed art. Massive archives. Darths and Droids: The Star Wars movies reimagined as a roleplaying game in a universe that never had Star Wars. If you read the author’s comments, you get very interesting insight into the world of roleplaying games. The art is made from screenshots of the movies with speech bubbles pasted on. Huge archives. As you can guess, I’m very into scifi, but I love almost anything with interesting characters and good art, as long as it’s not too gruesome or sexual. Big archives are a plus.
Lady Alys* July 20, 2019 at 7:24 am Girl Genius – they post 3x per week and have archives going back at least 10 years. Artwork is lovely, although it does start out in black & white. It’s steampunk (although the authors call it “gaslight fantasy” instead) and very funny.
Interrodroid3000* July 21, 2019 at 7:22 am Thirded! I started reading Girl Genius when it was still a printed comic book, and I still go out & buy the new volumes every few years.
GoryDetails* July 20, 2019 at 7:49 am Some of my favorite webcomics: Stand Still, Stay Silent by Minna Sundberg, set in a post-apocalyptic Scandinavia and with a generally upbeat tone (with occasional horror – it’s been described as a “cozy apocalypse”); beautifully drawn, often very funny, lovely characters, regular updates and a large archive. Wilde Life by Pascalle Lepas, set in a strange little town where life seems quiet and charming but with occasional bursts of supernatural activity: everyman protagonist Oscar has a ghost for a roommate, a touchy teenage werewolf as a pal, and assorted issues to solve. It’s another one that’s often very sweet and charming but with nightmarish scenes here and there. Ongoing, regular updates, large archive. Digger by Ursula Vernon, a marvelous series about an anthropomorphic wombat who gets lost in an increasingly strange world; this one’s complete, but with a decent-sized archive. The delightfully snarky protagonist Digger is an awesome character, and her adventures are fascinating. Oh, and if you read xkcd you’ve probably already seen that author’s “What If” articles, but if not, do check ’em out – not comics (though they include some amid the text) but often-hilarious scientific takes on very weird questions!
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 8:43 am Gunnerkrigg Court has interesting characters, good art, no sex or gore to speak of, and a 2000+ page archive. Questionable Content is a slice-0f-life comic with a ~4000-page archive. Interesting characters and good art (eventually; the early strips are…rough), no gore, maybe more sex than you’re looking for? No straight-up porn or anything, but plenty of sex jokes and suggestive scenes.
Nessun* July 20, 2019 at 11:16 am Sluggy- starts off very simple line-drawn art in panels and evolves over time into these huge wild spreads in full color. Premise is loosely a couple friends navigating jobs and relationships, but there’s a rabbit with a switchblade, an alien that keeps morphing, and an incredible war with Santa every Christmas season. The archive is huge.
Rick Tq* July 20, 2019 at 11:37 am Most of your list are on my Day Reads tab, so here are some of my favorites: 9 Chickweed Lane at Go Comics: (from the web site): A rarity in the comics, 9 Chickweed Lane spotlights music and dance with superb artistry that complements Brooke McEldowney’s strong-minded characters. A popular comic strip about three generations of family, 9 Chickweed Lane features strong characters, flights of fancy and an intuitive grasp of all kinds of relationships. Archives go back to 1993, updates every day. Some SF elements and Brooke’s line work is amazing. User Friendly: Life at a small Canadian ISP that includes a living Dust Puppy, AI, and visits from Cthulu and the other Elder Gods. Updates have been irregular lately, archives back to 1997 I also liked Digger, but that comic has wrapped up.
Sheepy* July 20, 2019 at 1:55 pm Awaken is a good comic with some distopian/hunger games vibes and likeable main characters. I also like FeyWinds for a fantasy setting. Perry Bible Fellowship does funny one shots, but some can be a bit gory/sexual.
Rainy* July 20, 2019 at 2:02 pm Questionable Content. It’s how I met my husband! (Absolutely no joke.)
KayEss* July 20, 2019 at 2:04 pm I’m shocked to see that Outsider is updating again. I first encountered that comic a good 10-15 years ago, and there’s not much more of it now than there was then. Seconding Girl Genius, which my partner introduced me to years ago and I have read ever since. He also loves Stand Still, Stay Silent but I don’t read it (and he has also read Schlock forEVER, and Darths and Droids). I’m a devoted Gunnerkrigg Court reader. Dicebox is a slow updater (the author/artist has once again vowed to stick to a regular update schedule, but IIRC she has at least one young child and a separate career, SO we’ll see how that goes) but has a meaty archive. It’s a really cool sci-fi story but may be a bit too gruesome and sexual for you, depending on what your threshold is. It’s got very matter-of-fact nudity, sex, and death/injuries presented in a way I find sensitive and realistic, not designed to shock or fetishize. I read both Questionable Content and Girls With Slingshots (which is finished, but is rerunning with updated color art and commentary) and both have hefty archives and relateable millennial slice-of-life humor. QC is sillier with some sci-fi elements but will also likely take more effort to get into… you’re gonna have to slog through a LOT of early, not-very-good strips from 10+ years ago to catch up. I honestly wouldn’t recommend anyone start reading it at this point, the return is not really worth the investment IMO. Namesake is a fantasy series I read based on the concept that popular stories (The Wizard of Oz, Peter Pan, etc.) are real other dimensions that occasionally people with special powers get pulled into to influence (Dorothy, Wendy, etc.)… it’s a lot more complicated than that but it’s got very nice art and well-plotted story, updates reliably, and has a respectable archive.
KayEss* July 20, 2019 at 2:10 pm Oh, my partner would also be mad if I did not recommend Skin Horse. It’s… kind of about a team of government social workers who handle cases that are the result of mad scientist experiments, like arranging therapy and work placement for monstrous creations? But it’s a daily strip that has been running for a while, so it’s got a big archive and can’t really be summed up in a single sentence or two. The main artist/co-author is known for her previous multi-year comic, Narbonic, which was part mad scientist hijinks, part IT nerd jokes, and part just general silliness but wrapped up into an actually coherent and well-plotted story. Skin Horse is better, IMO, but I don’t read it anymore because I fell off of keeping up with daily comics for a while and there was too much to catch up on when I got back to them.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 2:24 pm I like The Order of the Stick. It starts off in kind of an off-putting way if you’re not a very specific kind of nerd (a bunch of rules jokes about D&D that haven’t aged well in terms of people knowing what they’re talking about offhand) but turns into a pretty involved fantasy humor story with much less focus on rules minutia with time. The art also has gotten more complex with time (still stick figures, but much more polished stick figures). If you’re up for a big archive dive, realize that many aspects of what the story will be about don’t get really get started until over 200 strips in. (The current strip is 1171. The updates are totally irregular, unfortunately, but it is still being actively updated and the story is not over yet.)
curly sue* July 20, 2019 at 8:06 pm I’m a fan of Yet Another Fantasy Gamer Comic, aimed at a similar audience. It’s been going for about… 12? Years now and while updates have gone from daily to a few times a week, it’s still pretty regular. It starts off with rough-ish art and a lot of four-panel gag strips about life from a fantasy monster’s perspective (heroes come through once in a while, etc), and eventually becomes a much more complex universe with ongoing story arcs. There are over 3200 strips up now, so it’s a lengthy archive dive, but worth it.
Owler* July 21, 2019 at 8:04 pm I second Order of the Stick. It might be written and drawn for an audience familiar with Dungeons and Dragons, but I’m not in that demographic and I still heartily enjoy it. I would be hesitant to recommend Yet Another Fantasy GC if the original poster is requesting material that “is not too gruesome or sexual”. I’m a bit on the prudish side, and I find YAFGC a little much.
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 2:34 pm SPQR Blues. Beautifully drawn series set in the Romans Empire, on the slopes of Vesuvius in the months before the volcano blows its top. Characters & settings are faithful to the historical record, which is not dry at all if you know the time period!
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 2:35 pm And how could I forget Scandanavia & the World (SATW)!?
Lady Jay* July 20, 2019 at 3:21 pm Irregular webcomic is great–try the Space storyline in particular. It goes back YEARS and has recently started updating again. Uses Lego pieces in its shorts.
Beaded Librarian* July 20, 2019 at 4:04 pm Grrl Power is great if you don’t mind inventive invective beefcake and cheesecake. The plot is about a woman comic shop order who becomes a superhero is a world that is just acknowledging genetic superheroes in an unusual way. She’s not a superhero in the same way most people are.
Beaded Librarian* July 20, 2019 at 4:04 pm Whoops for some reason I thought I was replying to the whole thread. Sorry.
The Kerosene Kid* July 20, 2019 at 7:09 pm Achewood. It’s discontinued now, but the archives are still up. Chris Onstad is a weird genius.
YouwantmetodoWHAT?!* July 20, 2019 at 11:02 pm Dominick Deegan – it ended a few years ago and he started another comic (Star Power, also quite good), but it has restarted, 200 years later. Devil’s Panties Girl Genius Waspi Square Girls with Slingshots (completed) Manly men doing manly things
Free Meerkats* July 20, 2019 at 11:15 pm It’s concluded, so once you’ve read it, there will be no more. But it was an 8 year project that won a Hugo. Digger by Ursula Vernon.
Bulu Babi* July 21, 2019 at 10:36 am Strong Female Protagonist! It’s a deconstruction of superheroes/scifi stories, and very clever. Large archive, currently on a break.
Nosh* July 21, 2019 at 1:10 pm I like Drive the webcomic, by Dave Kellett. It has a sci fi plot line and comedic characters.
DrTheLiz* July 21, 2019 at 2:50 pm Only Human by walkingnorth, a lovely sci-fan story about people being people in the far future (finished). The same artist is now doing one called Aerial Magic, which is straight fantasy and also very good.
smoke tree* July 21, 2019 at 5:24 pm I’m not sure how much our webcomics taste intersects, but here are my favourites, in no particular order: Bad Machinery by John Allison (on hiatus), also Scary-Go-Round (in archives): Very funny and nicely drawn comics about various groups of friends who get swept up into various supernatural hijinks and/or murder mystery plots. Classics for a reason. Skin Horse by Shaenon K. Garrity and Jeffrey Wells (also Narbonic by Shaenon Garrity, in archives): Amazingly written, clever, funny, touching, so, so clever. Stories about mad science, government conspiracies, evil corporations, non-human sapience. The writing is the real star here–Garrity’s art style is pretty simple and reminiscent of Bloom County, but charming. Dumbing of Age by David Willis (also the author of a thousand other webcomics, but I haven’t read any others): Pretty sweet and engaging comic about a bunch of kids in their first year of college. I know Willis tends to recycle characters in different ways throughout all of his comics, so I’m probably missing a lot of depth, having started with this one. But it’s still a fun read. Gunnerkrigg Court by Tom Siddell: A story about a mysterious girl who enrolls in a mysterious school next to a mysterious forest. Beautiful art, intriguing, somewhat slow-moving plot. Mix of sci-fi and fantasy elements. Monster Pulse by Magnolia Porter: Very sweet middle-grade-level story about a bunch of kids whose body parts are turned into monsters. Gets a lot darker than you might expect. Girl Genius by Phil and Kaja Foglio: What can I say? One of the greatest webcomics of all time. Romance! Intrigue! Mad Science! Fabulous art, really fun, very steampunky story. Huge archive, story shows no signs of slowing anytime soon. Strong Female Protagonist by Brennan Lee Mulligan and Molly Ostertag: A comic about a generation of kids who developed superpowers, became superheroes, grew out of it, and are now living with the ethical ramifications. Sometimes a little on-the-nose with the social justice themes, but an interesting read. Nice art. Has been on hiatus for a while before the final chapter begins. Skin Deep by Kory Bing: A really fun story about people who are monsters in disguise. Art is quite beautiful. Never Satisfied by Taylor Robin: One of my new favourites. A newer comic without a massive archive, but the art is wonderful, the story is really interesting, the characters are very lovable. Good queer and non-binary representation. Namesake by Megan Lavey-Heaton and Isabelle Melançon: A well-archived and popular comic about people who are drawn into repeating timeless stories. The concept is interesting, and the characters are well done. The writing can be slightly clunky at times, but the art is absolutely stunning. Octopus Pie by Meredith Gran (archives, currently being re-run with commentary): A serious classic. I don’t know how many times I’ve re-read this. It’s a relatively simple story about a group of friends living in Brooklyn, but turns into a very thoughtful exploration of human connection. Also really funny and clever. Art is simple, but very elegant. You won’t regret reading this. Band vs Band by Kathleen Jacques: An incredibly cute story about two girls in rival bands who hate each other, but are also kind of into each other? Great art, very funny. The Meek (updates infrequently) and Mare Internum (archives) by Der-shing Helmer: Amazing, amazing art and storytelling. Highly recommended. The Meek has been moving forward in fits and starts for over a decade, so you have to be patient with this one, but it’s well worth it. I don’t even know how to begin to describe it, but I will say that one character is a giant, wise axolotl. Nimona by Noelle Stevenson (archives): I believe you can only access the first three chapters online, so you need to buy the print book for the full story. Still, I’m including this here because it’s a must-read. Steampunk technology, shape-shifting, supervillainy, a character named Ambrosius Goldenloin. It is hard to express how hilarious and oddly touching this story is. Read it, read it, read it.
Blue Horizon* July 22, 2019 at 12:46 am I second the Gunnerkrigg Court suggestion. Order of the Stick is also a classic, although I think you need at least some experience of tabletop RPGs to appreciate it fully. Both of these are story oriented and should be read in order. I have not read either in a while, but Sinfest and PvP Online both seem to be still going and have an enormous archive. PvP Online is gaming oriented and will appeal to people who like gaming history (there are topical comics on the game of the day). It also features a lot of fourth wall breaking. Sinfest is an irreverent look at religion and the human condition (God and the Devil are both characters) as well as topical issues and social commentary (Google “Sinfest Banktron” for an example). It might be pushing your content rules as it’s only-just-PG (a running gag is characters who appear to be watching sport but are actually watching porn, or vice versa). Both of these are mostly single strip jokes like XKCD, but with recurring characters and a few long running themes.
Reliquary* July 22, 2019 at 4:10 am It’s only in archives now, but do not overlook Kate Beaton’s Hark! A Vagrant, especially if you are Canadian, a fan of British literature, or a fan of European history. It’s at harkavagrant dot com.
merp* July 22, 2019 at 9:44 am I’m late but wanted to add Countdown to Countdown, which I’ve only just started reading but am very intrigued by, and Rice Boy, because it’s my favorite thing in the world. Rice Boy is more fantasy than sci fi if that’s less your thing, but it is excellent and complete and long.
Anonnymess* July 20, 2019 at 6:26 am Anyone have creative ideas for gifting music? If I just wrap cds or records it will be pretty obvious what they are, so other ways to present them would be helpful!
Tugsalot* July 20, 2019 at 6:45 am We always stick obvious gifts in different containers, like an empty tissue box or something. You can also wrap it several times with tissue paper to add some bulk, with some balled up pieces tucked in for extra camouflage. Or just tape a bag/box of candy to the main gift and wrap them together. In my family it’s actually a tradition to wrap one person’s gift dozens of times. The rule is you have to unwrap it all without any tools. Over the years, we’ve started including things like duct tape and zip ties to make it more challenging. I think the record was over 30 layers. The gift in the middle tends to be small, like a gift card.
WS* July 20, 2019 at 7:30 am You can make a folded gift box out of cardboard – google “folded gift box template” for lots of free versions.
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 8:49 am If you wanted to be real extra about it, you could wrap it such that it looks like something else with a distinctive shape. Or, I like the idea of putting it in a different kind of box. You might be able to get a few records into a frozen pizza box.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 2:28 pm You can get empty round tins (like for cookies) at the dollar store. You could fit a cd in one of those with some padding around it. (I’d probably go for a secondary gift of towels/washcloths for padding, depending on the person.) Records are harder because they are already so large that you probably don’t want to make them much larger. I suppose you could use a gift bag to at least give it more depth so it looks less like a record in profile.
Anono-me* July 20, 2019 at 3:01 pm I like making a fake cover for the CD. Techno pop for someone who loves county and western. Etc.
Chaordic One* July 21, 2019 at 4:28 am I once received a Christmas gift of some dish towels that were placed in a gift-wrapped corn flakes box. The gifter was a relative who wasn’t trying to be clever, she just found a box that was the right size and it was what she used.
Anon for this* July 20, 2019 at 6:51 am This is a weird question but here goes… I naturally have quite a loud voice – but I’m aware that I get louder after alcohol. I don’t *think* I’m necessarily louder than others in the group but it does tend to be men who are loud so maybe my also loud but higher pitched voice is more annoying. On a couple of occasions I’ve been asked to quieten down (like at a curry house where the waiter came over to ask us to be quieter – twice – and it was very unclear whether the request was directed solely at me or he just chose to speak to me). Last night I was out with work friends and a woman from another table came over (on her way out, where I could no longer do anything about it) just to tell me ‘you’re very loud’. I react with a mixture of being defensive (my friends claim I’m not that loud – though they are my friends – and these are venues where noise is expected, it’s not like I’m being loud in a library or on public transport – and I think there *is* a gendered thing here where women are expected to be quiet) and complete embarrassment and self-loathing. This basically ruined my night. Anyone else come across this? How can I control the volume of my voice? (Maybe the answer is just not to drink…). I did notice when I went home recently that my mum/family in general are pretty loud – so maybe I’m just used to it and annoying more people than dare tell me :(
Goose Lavel* July 20, 2019 at 7:42 am My wife is very loud and this has been a problem for me due to my extreme tinnitus for me the past 4 years. She knows loud sounds upset snd bother me and tries to lower her voice, but she is very animated and loud is her natural voice. I usually put out my hand and slowly lower it and she lowers her voice. You can try to be more aware that you speak loudly and lower your volumn, but I think you will be just be loud. Neighbor behind us also has a naturally loud voice so I believe this is somewhat common.
Trixie* July 20, 2019 at 1:27 pm This, I try to practice more self-awareness. I can easily up my volume (perhaps when more animated?) and it is unnecessary when I’m a small office or room.
Bad Brain* July 20, 2019 at 8:00 am Can you ask your friends to police you better? In my friend group, several of us get loud when drunk or even just excited and we never have a problem telling each other to bring it down a notch. We’ve never been asked by a stranger to quiet down because we do it to each other before anyone else steps in.
Elf* July 20, 2019 at 8:18 am I have this issue (not at all restricted to alcohol consumption). Anytime I am animated and engaged in what I am saying, there is a good chance I will get shushed. I am physically capable of vocal modulation, but only if I’m paying hypervigilant levels of attention at a level that precludes engagement in the conversation. The moment I get into it my voice will likely get louder without my awareness. I don’t actually think there’s anything loud people can do to be quieter (other than literally not speaking). Being shushed is exceedingly unpleasant, and being shushed on a regular basis would have already fixed it if it was fixable. I have tried many things, but again, none of them work at all if I’m not paying large amounts of conscious attention. I will note that MEN DO NOT GET SHUSHED. Not even in cases where they are unpleasantly loud (I once overheard someone who regularly shushes me and other women complaining behind a man’s back about how unpleasantly loud he was but not saying anything). At this point, I’ve just gotten to a state of F them, because I really can’t do anything about it.
university minion* July 20, 2019 at 10:33 am It also may not be the volume, but rather the timbre of your voice. I have one friend in particular whom I can always hear. That’s a good thing, since I don’t hear so well :-) At the same time, it’s a bit of a running joke among our larger friends group that we can hear her coming from 1/2 mile away. tl;dr, maybe it is something you can work on, volume-wise, but if it’s simply the timbre of your voice, it is what it is, and I’m sorry others’ reaction has made you self conscious.
Myrin* July 20, 2019 at 12:32 pm Yeah, that was apparently the case with my great-grandfather. He died when I was a baby so I never experienced this personally, but my mum and uncle always say that when they went downtown, they could always tell when their grandpa was somewhere around the town square because he had such a distinct voice.
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 20, 2019 at 12:11 pm I’m wondering if this is regional, because I see do men get shushed, maybe more often than women, for whatever that’s worth.
Lady Jay* July 20, 2019 at 1:36 pm Interesting. I’ve noticed that men’s voices in public places tend to carry more than women’s–if I’m out, I’m more likely to notice the dude talking.
Ainomiaka* July 20, 2019 at 5:03 pm The comment that men don’t get shushed was not about which voices you hear/who is louder.
Lady Jay* July 20, 2019 at 9:04 pm Did I SAY anything about who actually gets shushed more? No. Stop reading into my comment.
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 21, 2019 at 12:08 am Y’all, please quit the sniping at each other. Give people the benefit of the doubt (this is directed to both of you) and assume misunderstanding before anything more negative. It makes it far less pleasant here when people treat the space this way.
JamieS* July 20, 2019 at 5:24 pm It’s probably more confirmation bias than a cultural/regional difference.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 5:06 pm I’ve noticed that too. I’ve been shushed at family gatherings but nobody EVER shushes my brother. Of course there is also an ongoing dynamic where I’m Kevin from Home Alone in my family (i.e. les incompetents), so that may be part of it also.
Aurion* July 20, 2019 at 8:24 pm I regularly tell my father to keep it down, so this may indeed be regional.
misspiggy* July 20, 2019 at 9:16 am You could work on modulating your voice so that it’s more controlled and rounded. Sexism definitely plays a part in negative reactions to women’s voices, but women’s voices can seem more grating due to the higher frequency. Singing and core strength exercises can make a difference.
Myrin* July 20, 2019 at 9:20 am I’ve never been shushed by anyone other than my family who is fully allowed to do so but yeah, I have an extremely loud voice. As does my mother. As did my great-grandfather. As do my sister and my grandpa, though to a lesser degree. I’ve talked about this numerous times before on here and I’ve always come down to, well, I’m pretty limited in what I can do. I have other issues with my voice and also my ears, which make it especially hard to control my volume – basically, I can’t at all tell whether I’m normal-loud or really-loud or rather-quiet, and I also physically can’t seem to modulate my voice very well (my sister is a passionate singer and has done mulitple exercises with me, concluding that something must be wrong with my voice; I suspect I have the same issues with my vocal chords that my grandma had, but I have yet to get it checked out by a doctor). I try to be very conscious of it if I’m in a setting where it’s at all important, and I can make my voice be something that seems like barely above a whisper to me but which is apparently just slightly quieter than anyone else’s regular speaking voice, but it takes a lot of concentration and I can’t keep it up for longer amounts of time. I always want to be considerate and tell people to be very loose with their shushes as I don’t mind them at all, but I think people are still pretty uncomfortable to actually tell me to be quieter (which does help! But only in the short term, since, as I said, I basically can’t conentrate on anything else while I’m “whispering”. And I can understand that others don’t want to go “shshsh!” basically every five minutes). My only advice would be to try and be more conscious about your voice in general and do the fake-whisper trick, but it probably won’t be a long-term thing, sadly.
Cheesesteak in Paradise* July 20, 2019 at 11:30 am Have you had your hearing checked? Being unable to tell you are loud has more to do with hearing than vocal cords. My in-laws are super loud but they got painfully loud (to me) in their older years until they got hearing aids. You (and the OP) may want to look into getting a free decibel counter app on your phone and randomly turn it on sometimes. If you are hitting 90+ decibels, you are damaging the hearing of people around you and they have a right to be annoyed.
Myrin* July 20, 2019 at 12:26 pm I have, several times, and the last time not too long ago – I have above-average hearing, which I could’ve told you without a test but the doctor confirmed it. But I do have tinnitus in one ear and some pressure stuff going on overall, which is what I meant by the “issues… with my ears”. And I’m not sure what you mean by your last sentence? “they have a right to be annoyed” sounds like I don’t think it’s legitimate for people to be annoyed by my loudness, which is not the case at all and I don’t think my comment indicated as much. Or did you mean that as just a general observation?
KoiFeeder* July 20, 2019 at 12:43 pm I have issues hearing my own volume, and I’ve been told that it’s because of the autism-related-auditory-processing stuff. My hearing itself is perfect… but my brain throws everything that isn’t special interest related into the garbage.
Elf* July 20, 2019 at 3:31 pm Can you please tell me more about this? I have come to the conclusion in the last couple of months (after a lot of reading about women and autism) that I am autistic, and I’m still trying to figure out which pieces are the autism and which aren’t. (I have also had my hearing tested, back when I was a teenager, and it came out perfect, though the nurse commented to my mother on the way in that I must have hearing loss because I was so loud.)
KoiFeeder* July 20, 2019 at 4:04 pm Yeah, sure! Basically, there’s nothing wrong with my ears at all! My ears, and the nerves going to my brain, and all that, that’s all a-ok. But my brain, and specifically the part of my brain that processes sound, does not do its job very well, especially when it comes to speech. I’m gonna provide some examples of where I noticeably trip up, and hopefully that’ll be helpful. If I hear two or more people talking at once, regardless of who they’re talking to or where they are, I cannot process either conversation. It all kind of mushes together and it’s just sound. If someone gives me verbal information that I need to remember, my brain won’t place it in long- or short-term memory. If it’s not written down, it’s gone by the time the person stops talking. This is a huge problem for me in conversations; I can moderate my tone and body language to allistic standards, or I can focus on processing and participating in a verbal conversation, but I cannot do both at the same time. I just don’t have the bandwidth! I used to have a lot of trouble telling the difference between similar verbal sounds (ka/ga, bo/po, that sort of thing). This one is a lot better after a language program, but I was much younger at the time. I don’t know how well it would work for an adult. There’s two side effects of all this that also make it pretty hard to do verbal communication. One is that I’m so used to not hearing and not processing spoken words that I have to force myself to try to listen- it’s a chore, not something I can do naturally. The second is that I’ll be so busy having to process the literal spoken words that I miss all the implied meanings in it, which combined with autism is. Well. Not great. That’s about the gist of how I experience things, although autism is super different for everyone, but I hope this helped?
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 12:28 pm Yes, get your hearing checked. If it’s fine, consider a nose/throat check. You may have blockages/issues you’re not aware of. I’m hoping you’re fine and can just work on technique.
Myrin* July 20, 2019 at 12:38 pm Ah, we commented at the same time – my hearing is excellent and I actually had septum surgery two years ago, partly because they thought it might fix the issues but alas, it didn’t. But I’ve always said that there must be something wrong with my throat – I always have a sore throat (and I mean that literally. I’ve had a sore throat every day of my life for at least ten years). I’ve been to various doctors, including several ENTs, and no one could find anything. I bet I have the same thing as my grandma but apparently they have to specifically test the vocal cords to find that, which no one has done so far (and I only found out about this problem of my grandma’s pretty recently, so I could never bring it up myself). But I recently changed my primary care physician and he’s truly excellent, so I think I’ll bring it up with him soon, and he’s the kind of guy who’ll really dig deep to find out the cause of something like this.
Yes Anastasia* July 20, 2019 at 9:30 pm Jumping in to suggest that your doctor evaluate you for silent reflux, if they haven’t already. I’ve had a sore throat on and off again for the past year, and the current working diagnosis is reflux.
Ainomiaka* July 20, 2019 at 9:59 am Yeah, echo on the constant vigilance thing. On previous posts here I got so much pushback on the idea that this really is a long term constant effort thing, but for me it is and always has been and I don’t think that is changing. It sucks and always feels like people are asking me to be less me. I am sorry I don’t have better advice, just empathy.
Anon for this* July 20, 2019 at 3:14 pm ‘People are asking me to be less me’ – it feels exactly like this. It shouldn’t be that emotional and I need to work on my reaction but in the moment that’s how it feels.
Reba* July 20, 2019 at 10:35 pm I understand how you could feel that way, but that really isn’t it! Maybe it would help to remind yourself that people are spending time with you because they enjoy you.
ainomiaka* July 21, 2019 at 9:04 am intellectually yes, of course that’s not what someone is asking. But I think both the op and I have the experience of only getting told this when we’re happy and secure feeling. It’s really hard to explain the level of psychological issues that come from having people ask you to act like you do when you’re insecure, even if they don’t mean it that way.
Elf* July 21, 2019 at 9:57 am I disagree with your assessment for two reasons: 1) I am physically incapable of moderating my volume and giving my attention to the conversation at the same time, so people telling me to be quieter are functionally prioritizing my quietness over my participation, whether they mean to or not 2) I am hardly if ever shushed by people who are in fact fully freely choosing my company, it happens mostly with coworkers, relatives, and in-law relatives, none of whom actually picked me for my company
Reba* July 21, 2019 at 11:28 am Elf, this helped me understand why the request can be painful, thank you. (In my comment I was responding to the OP’s stating this has happened in social situations — not necessarily a factual or blanket statement, but maybe just something to coach herself through anxiety with, if that makes sense.) With people you are with regularly, maybe it’s worth teasing out what exactly they are asking for? I think conversation partners are within bounds to *ask* for –not necessarily to receive — change to mitigate their physical discomfort, if that is the issue. I’m thinking of times when my spouse’s voice is booming around a compact car and actually hurts my ears and makes it hard for me to process what he’s saying. Maybe the speaker can’t modulate their voice, as you explained, but I don’t think it’s wrong or accusatory for people to ask. BUT I don’t think the same consideration is due to someone who is just on the embarrassed side of uncomfortable (e.g. concerned about drawing attention in a restaurant maybe), or doesn’t think you fit the social mold of whatever you’re supposed to be like (e.g. soft-spoken as feminine). In that situation I feel like the compromise should be for them to get over it! And certainly no consideration is due to people like the stranger in the bar in OP’s example. Wonder if this distinction makes sense to anyone else?
Elf* July 20, 2019 at 3:26 pm Yes! Thank you, “Asking me to be less me” is exactly the feeling I get.
Filosofickle* July 20, 2019 at 4:05 pm Sometimes I am exhausted from monitoring myself. Not talking as much, as loudly, as energetically. I’m always trying to be “less” and that sucks. On one hand, I’m working on self-acceptance and being okay with who I am. On the other hand, I want to be considerate and make other people comfortable, too. Being yourself doesn’t necessarily mean being ALL of yourself ALL the time. My mom and I had a private signal for when one of use needed to lower our volume, so this kind of vigilance been part of my life since I was little. :/
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 10:24 am While there’s gendering here, I will note 1) men do indeed get shushed sometimes and 2) just because men aren’t told to knock a behavior off doesn’t mean it’s fine. Sometimes it’s not that women need more freedom, it’s that men need more limitation. That being said, it’s so common for people to have too-loud voices that there’s actually a Wikihow for working it (though it doesn’t look great), so you are far from alone. I presume your question isn’t really how to control the volume of your voice–you can quiet down when you’re consciously redirected–but to work on changing your setpoint for the volume, since it sounds like you’ve got the family volume :-). So I’d practice some on my own and with recordings, talking at just above a whisper and moving up to my normal volume while checking volume readings. Then I’d practice talking at about 25% lower volume than usual. I think that it’s going to be a challenging reset, especially when you’re drinking, but I also think the awareness that too loud is a possibility is going to pop up in your mind more. It might also be possible to let the surroundings do a little more acoustical work. Go for a booth on the side rather than a table in the middle. If there’s an area with carpet, curtains, or upholstery, go for that; tablecloths can also be helpful. What you don’t want is the lots of glass/stone floor/high ceilings combo that bounces your voice around the whole building.
Courageous cat* July 20, 2019 at 1:25 pm “Sometimes it’s not that women need more freedom, it’s that men need more limitation.” Interesting point, and reminds me of something someone I know said: “Maybe women don’t apologize too much, it’s that men don’t apologize nearly enough”. Basically into the idea that men are the ones that should be changing.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 2:39 pm Yeah, I think it’s too easy to default without realizing it into the notion that the male behavior is the correct one.
Anon for this* July 20, 2019 at 3:28 pm This is an interesting idea but it’s when I’m emotional/excited/tipsy that my volume modulation goes out of whack. I don’t have any problems staying at a sensible volume at work or when talking about something neutral so I’m not sure recording myself would help. I guess I could try to lower the volume of *everything* I say…
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 4:34 pm If it’s only when you get amped up by something it’s harder to set an internal watch for it. So I’d say try the surroundings muffling if you can, ask a friend for a neutral signal if you think that would be okay, and realize sometimes it might not be enough. I think a cheerful “I’m so sorry–I know and I do try but sometimes I forget” might be good script to have in your arsenal to avoid being mortified–as long as you’re trying and acknowledge that you discomfited somebody, it’s likely to be less of a deal to both of you.
LGC* July 21, 2019 at 6:16 pm 2) just because men aren’t told to knock a behavior off doesn’t mean it’s fine. Sometimes it’s not that women need more freedom, it’s that men need more limitation. I was reading the topline post and basically had that exact same thought. Like, yeah, dudes DO need to be told to quiet down sometimes! (And to the wider point: I feel like we get the “women should be more like men” message constantly, and – like – we RARELY hear the reverse. Like, the female gender role isn’t ALL bad, and I KNOW the male gender role is far from being all good.) Honestly, though – one of my friends has mentioned that she gets loud when she gets excited, and I think that’s the actual issue here. (And…yes, her volume DOES go up when she’s excited about something!) I also think the drinking part is relevant because alcohol (quite famously) lowers inhibitions and ability to self-regulate, so that’s a complicating factor. So…maybe she shouldn’t stop drinking, but perhaps drink a bit more slowly than she normally does? Finally, maybe there’s a mental association between “booze time” and “loud time.” That is, she gets loud when she drinks because that’s what she does, not because she’s drunk. In which case…hm. I’m not sure how to break that association outside of getting drunk in a library (don’t get drunk in a library).
Una* July 20, 2019 at 1:08 pm My best friend was like this. She would get very excited an animated and her voice would gradually get louder and louder until it was practically at shouting level. Meanwhile, I love talking to her, and love her excitement, but have sensitive ears. Our solution was for me to give her a little hand signal (sort of the ‘take it down a notch’ motion in slow motion; I thought of it as a volume lever) if she was starting to get pretty loud. That way I’d never have to interrupt her or draw too much attention to it. Don’t know if you have people you’d feel comfortable with to do that. In her case, she also had a bunch of ADHD symptoms so trying to pay close attention to it just didn’t work for her.
Washi* July 20, 2019 at 2:23 pm Yep, I have a little hand signal for my husband, I just sort of flap my hand horizontally for a second. As you say, it’s nice because I’m not verbally interuppting him at the peak of his excitement, and he doesn’t need an explanation, just a cue. It’s a tricky issue because from what I’ve heard from louder folks, it feels very personal to be told to be quieter. But as someone very sensitive to loud sounds, being next to a loud talker builds in discomfort until I want to literally run away. I’m lucky my husband doesn’t mind being shushed or this could turn into a very serious issue for us.
Anon for this* July 20, 2019 at 3:17 pm Thank you – yeah my partner does occasionally do something similar, but last night threw me because the people sitting actually at my table didn’t think I was being loud so getting a comment from a clearly annoyed stranger was a bit of a shock.
Public Health Nerd* July 21, 2019 at 11:02 am (/Loud person solidarity fist bump) The thing I’ve noticed is that people complain more about my/other loud friends’ volume when they don’t like the topic of conversation. That may account for part of this experience.
Anon for this* July 20, 2019 at 3:20 pm Thank you for all the suggestions – it’s very reassuring to hear that this is actually not that uncommon and will hopefully help me view it less emotionally/less as a personal failing! Suggestions about checking hearing also interesting as I’m pretty sure mine isn’t that great (things like speaker quality which others complain about lots I barely notice), so I’ll get that checked out too.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 5:42 am Some good advice above for helping you make the change if you want to. I would also point out that there is a difference between someone telling you to shush in a situation where you are being so loud you are having actual negative impacts on others – preventing them from hearing each other for example, and someone who is basically saying “I personally want you to be quiet because I personally dislike the noise you are making, even though it has no negative impact and is in an area where loud voices might be reasonably expected eg a pub or restaurant or other area with alcohol or exciting things happening. ” The first type of shushing you should try to quiet down for, but the second type you can absolutely ignore. If you are talking loudly in a pub with a group where everyone is drinking, and you are not so loud that you are preventing others from hearing their own conversations, then you are 100% not doing anything wrong and you don’t have to change to fit other people’s desires. If they want quiet then they can leave.
MissDisplaced* July 21, 2019 at 2:31 pm I tend to think it’s more about tone/pitch and not volume. AND I do believe there is a sexist element because loud MEN rarely get told to quit down or get shushed… because loudness in men is considered assertive and manly. In women it’s often described as shrill. Not sure what you can or should do here beyond being respectful of others in general. One other thing though: Do have your hearing checked. If yours is diminishing it can make you louder as you try to talk over other noise.
Perpetua* July 20, 2019 at 6:52 am Who here is excited about the new Veronica Mars season?! No spoilers, please! I’ve just seen the first episode, and while I’m so happy this is happening, I hope I still feel the same at the end. This show has been such a big part of my younger years and it remains one of my favorite shows ever. <3
Bibliovore* July 20, 2019 at 10:23 am I never watched it before and working my way from the beginning. I love it so much and it is the perfect distraction right now for chronic pain issues that have flared today.
Melody Pond* July 20, 2019 at 11:54 am So freaking excited!!! My husband and I got through the first three episodes last night, and so far it’s pretty much everything I hoped for. I actually think the writing is better and sharper than it was in the original series – there’s only one tiny thread (not even a subplot) that I find totally unbelievable, but the rest of it is so good that I can accept it. The mix of old and new characters is fantastically done, in my opinion. J.K. Simmons is a goddamn national treasure. My husband was feeling a bit TV’d out, and he didn’t really want to watch it last night. But when I saw that the ENTIRE season had arrived a week early on Hulu, I was of course freaking out about needing to watch it. He grudgingly agreed to watch one episode – but he was laughing so hard and was so engaged, that at the end of each episode he just kept going, “Okay, maybe one more…” I’m so, so, so happy that Veronica Mars is back. :)
Melody Pond* July 21, 2019 at 10:39 pm Uhh, finished the season… without saying anything else… WHAT THE ACTUAL F, Rob Thomas?!
Perpetua* July 22, 2019 at 7:08 am You may not see this comment, but YES, that was precisely my reaction as well. :(
Hei Freya* July 20, 2019 at 11:59 am I love love love the series and the film. But I am in Europe and have noisea how to watch it. Hulu is not available over here. Any suggestions?
Alphabet Pony* July 20, 2019 at 12:37 pm OMFG. I did not know about this. I love VM but had no idea there were new episodes! Thank you!
Belle* July 20, 2019 at 9:08 pm I am a huge Veronica Mars fan and watched season 4. I am now pretending it didn’t happen and the show ended with the movie (I didn’t care for it without going into details to avoid spoilers).
Alphabet Pony* July 21, 2019 at 4:34 am Thanks for the warning! Anyone know if we can get s4 in the UK? The internet suggests not.
Sam Sepiol* July 20, 2019 at 7:04 am One of my friends went here last night. https://www.ghettogolf.co.uk/ Is that a really, really inappropriate name, or is it just me?
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 1:00 pm Looks pretty tacky to me, but it looks like they are targeting an audience who would find it hilarious. You & I would appear to not be in their target market, which means it’s an effective choice.
KayEss* July 20, 2019 at 2:12 pm Depends on a lot of factors, but from a personal standpoint: as a white person living in a majority-white area prone to segregation, I’d definitely be uncomfortable with the optics of going there.
Buona Forchetta* July 20, 2019 at 3:50 pm Yes! This is shockingly offensive, insensitive and ignorant. I was going to add, “especially for 2019” but unfortunately it’s still far too common.
xxx9* July 20, 2019 at 8:24 pm Are there any recs for how to comfortably listen to music while running? Should I invest in AirPods or maybe a more affordable Bluetooth headphone (any recs of this end)?
xxx9* July 20, 2019 at 8:26 pm Whoops. Nestling failure here. But this place seems extremely corny. Definitely can already see the crowd it attracts…
Sprechen Sie Talk?* July 21, 2019 at 5:29 am Eh – I get what the were going for (street art + drinking – this type of indoor golf as socialization thing is quite popular in the UK for office functions and the like) but if you look at their ‘about us’ and how they were inspired by street and graffiti artists from the ‘Philadelphia ghetto’ um… yeah guys. Not cool.
LCL* July 21, 2019 at 3:08 pm It wouldn’t work in the US. I’m sure if the company is pressed on it they will claim they are reclaiming the European origin of the word, or they are allowed to use it, or some such. I wouldn’t go to anything that tacky. https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2014/04/27/306829915/segregated-from-its-history-how-ghetto-lost-its-meaning
WantToGiveWell* July 20, 2019 at 7:04 am How to decide whether to donate to a small non-profit? This doesn’t seem like it belongs in the Friday thread exactly, but let me know if I’m wrong – I’ve learned so much about the potential dysfunctionality of such organizations through this site (as well as increasing personal experience). There’s a non-profit I’ve supported for more than a decade, since soon after they started – they serve a national audience online. It’s time to re-up my monthly CC and I want to make sure they are still a good place to give. Searches turn up some complaints from folks assisted and, even more concerning, a bunch of negative Glassdoor reviews from a few years ago alleging the founder/director is a toxic boss. There are more recent positive ones from current employees. Any suggestions on how to evaluate this particular situation, and small non-profits in general? I know they can be great, but also not-at-all-great. I want to give my money wisely and effectively. Thanks for any advice/tips!
WS* July 20, 2019 at 7:33 am Charity Navigator has links on how to assess smaller charities that they haven’t rated: https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=847 That said, sometimes a small charity may not meet these benchmarks but still be providing a vital service because nobody else is doing it, especially for niche, complex or unpopular causes – that’s something to also take into account.
foolofgrace* July 20, 2019 at 8:12 am I don’t want to put in urls but google “charity ratings”. It’s possible that small charities aren’t covered but it’s a start. You could google “charity ratings [name of charity]”.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 4:16 pm Most small charities are not rated. Charity Navigator has one of the most comprehensive lists, and they don’t even look at charities under $1m annually.
Glomarization, Esq.* July 20, 2019 at 8:45 am If you want to get into the org’s nitty-gritty, you can look them up at http://www.guidestar.org, which collects nonprofits’ IRS Form 990’s. This is an annual form where a nonprofit details its income, expenses, salaries paid to the highest-paid executives, and so on.
Ainomiaka* July 20, 2019 at 10:01 am Can you find reviews from employees on glassdoor or something? I honestly hate charity rating/anything that ups pressure to lower employee treatment in the name of “low overhead/max going to mission” but I haven’t really found a reliable site for “do they treat their employees like humans”
Ainomiaka* July 20, 2019 at 10:34 am Just saw the part where you said you did check on glassdoor. I guess the only thing I have to add then is- do you trust that changes were made? Is there a similar org with better employee reviews?
WantToGiveWell* July 20, 2019 at 12:17 pm Thanks everyone! I do already always check organizations’ finances and transparency on Charity Navigator, Guidestar and the like, and this one rates high (it’s definitely not a scam). My worry is more around issues that aren’t measured by those benchmarks. Especially when there’s a weak board and a long-term executive director (in the case of a founder, even more so) who doesn’t have internal accountability, the focus can become more about the self-perpetuation of the charity than about its true mission. Ainomiaka, good suggestion – I’m not aware of any other organizations that do this exact kind of work, but I haven’t looked around in a while so I’ll see.
The Other Dawn* July 20, 2019 at 7:06 am Recommendations for a good Bluetooth speaker? I’m nearly done converting my shed into a home gym. Paint is done (Sonic Plum by Valspar) and I got the floor mats last night. Very excited! Now I’m looking for a speaker with rich sound that will easily fill the room. The shed is about 240 square feet with a high, peaked ceiling. I have wireless earbuds, but I want to get away from those since I’ll have a place where I go in, shut the door and blast some heavy metal.
T. Boone Pickens* July 20, 2019 at 8:15 am Kudos to you! I remember reading about your project over the past threads. Here’s a couple recs… The UE Boom 3 is probably the best Bluetooth speaker on the market. It sounds great at high volume so if you wanna crank your heavy metal, it can handle it! It’s also water and dust proof so it can handle quite a bit of abuse. It runs about $130ish. You could also do the UE Boom 2 at about half the price. I have the 3 not the 2 so I can’t comment. I also have a couple Anker Soundcores which run about $30 a piece that are also rugged and have a non slip silicone exterior which is nice. The only downside is they sound a little tinny at max volume so that may not work for you. The best speakers for pure audio quality are going to be Bose but they usually run $200+ and aren’t quite as rugged. Though the Soundlink is still an incredible speaker, it might not make sense for your setup. Good luck!
Dan* July 20, 2019 at 1:17 pm I have the UE Boom 2 as my “backup”/travel speaker, and I like it just fine. But I bought it for when I house sit for some friends, so it’s not my primary. Depending on what you’re looking for both quality and $ wise, I’d take a look at Sonos. They’re not cheap, and not blue tooth. It runs on its own wireless ecosphere. But it’s great because you can integrate various speakers in a single room and even integrate multiple rooms together. If you want to fill a whole room with *good* stereo sound, smaller bluetooth speakers may not quite get the job done. If you really want to blast heavy metal, the Sonos subwoofer is awesome. Just don’t do it if you have neighbors, because this thing *will* get complaints.
The Other Dawn* July 20, 2019 at 2:33 pm I’d prefer to stay under $200; however, if I find something I really like, I’d spend the money on it. I bought my husband two different Altec Lansing Life Jacket speakers. One, the cheaper one, is great. The waterproof, more expensive one isn’t as great. I find it doesn’t sound as good and it’s a bit tinny.
The Other Dawn* July 20, 2019 at 2:29 pm It’s my favorite for working out since I’m typically doing body weight exercises, weights, and things like that. I always end my set with Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit. It just seems right for doing all the tough core exercises. During the set it’s usually Volbeat, Five Finger Death Punch, Shinedown, Skillet and Hollywood Undead, but I mix it up from time to time.
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 7:20 pm I used to only listen to heavy metal during weight lifting and pop/hip hop while running. But now that I can’t run as well as I used to I get to listen to heavy metal while running, too! (HM always seemed slower when running.)
KoiFeeder* July 20, 2019 at 12:46 pm I love my little bluetooth snail (it’s the Beyonce model)! She’s survived being outdoors off-and-on quite well, although I don’t leave her out in the rain or high winds, and she looks so cute that it makes me smile.
coffee cup* July 20, 2019 at 7:22 am My post on y’day’s work thread is now moot because I started to get the worst period cramps during the night and even my usual strong painkillers haven’t quite got rid of them. So I’m fairly zombie-like today on little sleep plus medication. I’m missing out on my weekend run, which I find helpful for clearing my head and, obviously, much-needed exercise. Instead I decided to sign up for an online course! I want to ultimately try to go freelance with editing and writing (it’s the latter I’m trying to develop now), although I’m aware it’ll take time, so I’m trying to build this into my free time when I can. I’m already experiencing a bit of self-doubt because that’s me all over, but I am going to give it a shot. Anyone else taking any courses at the moment? I enjoy hearing about what people are learning!
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 8:30 am Hey, at least you won’t have to deal with this during your meeting!
Skeeder Jones* July 20, 2019 at 4:44 pm Where are you taking your courses? Are you looking for publishing, journalism, what type of writing? I was a technical writer for a while and now I’m an Instructional Designer and also going through a certification program for that through University California Irvine Extension. It’s interesting getting formal training on the type of work I already do and I’m enjoying networking with other professionals in the field as well as people trying to break into the field. I am not sure a lot of what I’m learning is going to apply to my specific role as I’m learning a lot about the pre-work that should be done to develop content and I usually get the content pre-vetted and my role is to turn it into elearning courses. Interested to hear more about what you are studying.
coffee cup* July 21, 2019 at 6:07 am I already work in publishing but I don’t do any writing so I’m taking a course in copywriting to add that ‘branch’, if possible (depends if I’m any good!). I’m taking it online so I can work at my own pace and without a specific deadline (my job often means staring at words all day – I’m sure you can relate! – and sometimes I’m just not in the mood for more). I’m also interested in what you do… how did you get into technical writing?
Skeeder Jones* July 22, 2019 at 2:03 am Hi, I always wanted to be a writer, my friends from elementary school will tell you that’s how I always answered the question of what I wanted to do when I was a grownup. I actually started out as a creative writing major and I hated it. I loved writing but hated the crap I wrote when writing simply because an assignment was due. I only like my writing when the muse visits and she is fickle. Also, I was concerned about the difficulty in making a living at it. I really only knew about writing books or writing for magazines. I had no idea that there was other kinds of writing. I sort of stumbled my way into learning and development and ended up in a brand new department that needed everything written. So I wrote all the things. It solved the 2 things I hated about earning a living as a writer. Problem 1: writer’s block when writing for a deadline: With technical writing, I create an outline for the document. If I am having writer’s block in one section, I just jump to another one until the documents done. Problem 2: technical writing pays a decent, livable wage. I just wish I knew this kind of writing existed. Now I am an Instructional Designer which is writing and so much more. I create web based training courses. It combines writing with other creative tasks and I love it! I actually choose to late or on a weekend sometimes because I love watching my ideas come to life. If you know you like copy-writing, and maybe you are still figuring it out, I would look into seeing what the respected institutions/programs are. It’s great to take some courses to build your skills and also find out if it is for you, but it’s good to know what people will be looking for when you eventually transition into that type of work.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 5:30 pm I want to, but I can’t right now until I’m working again. The better courses with instructor access, certificates, etc. cost money I don’t have. Free overviews are good but don’t allow you to ask questions if you get confused. Also, I meant to be working on some other stuff by myself, but packing stress is messing with me!
Mimmy* July 21, 2019 at 1:33 pm I’m with you Elizabeth. It’s why I enjoy school – you can interact with others and ask the instructor questions. Plus, I think I learn better in a structured environment (i.e. following a syllabus and answering discussion questions) than self-study.
Teapot Translator* July 20, 2019 at 7:39 am My bike classes ended badly (going on the bike path was a disaster, nearly hit someone). I went home and cried. The teacher was very nice and he asked me to contact him when I’m ready to try again because I need to conquer the bike path. But my anxiety squirrel is telling me that I’m a loser, that I’m going to get hurt or get someone hurt, that I can’t do this. :( I wish it would shut up. It’s sapped all my “I can do this” resolve. So, today, I’m trying to motivate myself to go buy a bike so I can practice in quiet neighbourhoods in my town.
Colette* July 20, 2019 at 8:19 am I’m sorry it went badly! It’s important to remember that making mistakes is part of learning – it’s really rare to be competent right off the bat. I hope you get out to look at bikes!
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 9:20 am Thank you for your comment. I have bought a bike. It was very stressful, but I got through it and I got a bit of practice coming home.
LibbyG* July 20, 2019 at 8:21 am Oh, dang. I’ve been following your story and hoping that you’d have a huge victory by now. If you can afford a bike, I think that might help a lot. Then you can go out just for 5 or 10 min if that’s all you have a certain day. I just got back on a bike. I rode as a kid but then not as an adult. I just bought a bike, now in my mid 40s. The balance part is ok, but getting used to biking on the roads is a HUGE challenge for me. Oof.
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 9:22 am So many people on the road! So many distractions. O_O Thank you for your comment. Knowing your following my story is encouraging. It means I need to have something to report next week! I’ve bought a bike so I’ll try to get some practice.
The Messy Headed Momma* July 20, 2019 at 9:18 am For what it’s worth, I’m not cycling but just took up flyfishing again after 12 years & I’m in my 50’s. It’s fun, but I can so relate to the “anxiety squirrel” who has been telling me that this is just stupid. Going to go out again today, with my clumsy gear & try again. But yeah, I totally get the “I’m trying to do the thing & then my resolve dissolves”. Maybe we should both just focus on the fact that it’s fun & we’re going to screw up! Heck, we both got this far… =)
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 9:23 am Yeah! We both got this far! *puts on helmet and walks around the house with it*
LinG* July 20, 2019 at 10:32 am You can do it! I’m a recreational cycle and I run on trails – people have little collisions and close calls all the time, it’s part of using shared use paths. You might give someone, or get, some bumps and bruises and while it’s not the best outcome everyone will survive, I promise! It’s hard to silence the anxiety monster, but you’ve already come a long way and you’ll get there.
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 9:25 am Thank you for the encouragement! I bought a bike. And I got a bit of practice in. I just need to calm down the anxiety squirrel.
Llama Face!* July 20, 2019 at 10:52 am If the cost of buying a bike is part of the problem I have gotten free bicycles on freecycle before. You can search online for a freecycle group in your area and see if someone is offering a bike or post your own request for a bike. By the way I think it is really brave to learn to ride as an adult. Falling and whatnot is scarier when you aren’t a resilient little kid. Kudos to you for what you’ve done already! I hope you can take the time you need to rebuild your courage and try again! :)
Good luck with that* July 20, 2019 at 2:46 pm Yes to Freecycle. Also, check out garage sales and resale shops (obviated ugly not the ones that specialize in clothes) and Craig’s List and all the other online “somebody give me money for this thing I don’t want anymore” sites. My hometown suburb used to have annual bike auctions for unclaimed lost/recovered bicycles. Don’t know how common this is now; I was a child a long time ago. But also, once you get your bike, make sure you can identify it if lost: if it doesn’t have a serial number, have something etched into the frame. No lock is unbeatable.
Good luck with that* July 20, 2019 at 2:56 pm How does spellcheck turn “obviously” into “obviated ugly”? Yeesh! (Which it tried to turn into “eyeshadow”. Come on, already.)
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 9:26 am Thank you for your encouragement! I just bought the bike. I needed to do it this weekend because a) I had the time; and b) if I didn’t do it now, the anxiety and fear might win.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 11:11 am Probably not what you’d want to hear. I would not want to hear this if it were me: Can you talk to your teacher and figure out what went wrong and why? It’s in breaking these things down into parts that we learn how to control a situation. I kind of picture that you took on something that you were not ready for such as going down a long hill. A problem like this could involve getting more acquainted with the brake system. A short term remedy could be that you stop at the top of the hill and let others go through before you start down the hill, hopefully the hill would be empty by the time you roll through. Just to keep using the same example another helpful thing to do might be to go back to that hill. WALK half way down the hill, then get on the bike and finish. Yes, do HALF the hill and see how that goes. Going in another direction, at what point in the class did your near accident happen? If it happened in the second half of the the class time, it could be that fatigue was setting in and you lost your concentration. If this is the case perhaps you can do shorter sessions until you build up your focus. Or perhaps you take some assistance type steps such as walking the bike for a distance to help your body/mind to recoup concentration. I was helping a friend get her driving license. A bad thing turned into really cool thing that happened. I needed to take a time out from our weekly rides because of personal stuff. So we took a couple weeks off. When we came back to it, she had improved A LOT. The punchline here is never underestimate the power of incubation time. This is time spent NOT thinking about the New Thing we are learning. Our minds get weary and it’s easy to feel defeated. Sometimes a short break can mean giant steps forward.
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 9:29 am Actually, the teacher told me that I handled the situation well. It just brought up a lot of stuff up. I have noticed the effect of letting new things learned “percolate”.
OhBehave* July 21, 2019 at 5:44 pm Ugh, that squirrel! Picture Elmer Fudd hunting squirrels instead of wabbits. I so admire your commitment. I never learned to ride a bike and bought one as an adult but never had the guts to learn. Give yourself a break. Focus on why you wanted to do this. My kids crashed tons of times before they were proficient. You CAN do this!
LCL* July 20, 2019 at 11:57 am It sounds like, based on this post and what you posted earlier, you have reached the point where you can balance on the bike and make it go. If your crashes are from running into things and not falling over, there is one more basic thing you should learn. That basic secret is, your body is going to steer you to where you are looking. You see a tree? Look for your path around it, not at the tree. There’s people on the path? Look at how you will pass them, or not. If you are really inexperienced, look into if you can rent a bike for the afternoon or borrow one and practice in a parking lot. Tell the rental place you are really new and want something easy to handle. For the kind of practice you will be doing, a borrowed bike that is actually a little small for you is a better choice than a perfect fit.
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 9:30 am Yeah, the teacher told me to focus on my destination and not look at what my brain thinks are obstacle because then I’ll go right at them and hit. Which is what happened on my second class. I hit a pole.
OhBehave* July 21, 2019 at 5:40 pm There’s a hysterical episode of Frasier that covers the guys learning to ride. Frasier had the issue you describe.
Koala dreams* July 20, 2019 at 3:18 pm It sounds great to practise in quiet neighbourhoods! You can also look for empty parking lots. Bike paths can be challenging because they often end up as a combined bike path/pedestrian walk/playground/dog playground. Tell the anxiety squirrel to go climb some trees and leave the biking to you. ;)
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 11:55 am Thank you for your comment. It’s a bit too hot right now to exercise outdoors, but once it’s more bearable, I’ll scope out the neighborhood.
TechWorker* July 20, 2019 at 3:37 pm Keep trying! It sounds like you’re nearly there. I don’t know how your bike is set up, but I spent the first 5 years of cycling frequently (I did not touch a bike between the age of ~13 and ~20 and wasn’t very confident at 13 either) with the saddle lower than its ‘meant to be’. This is a bit less efficient but meant I could basically touch the floor at the same time as braking and made it much easier to stop quickly in traffic or amongst pedestrians. Cycling can be daunting but once you get the hang of it it’s really fun! Good Luck!
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 11:58 am Thank you for your comment and encouragement. The seat of my bike is lower than recommended, but I feel it’s better for me right now. I also set the speed of the bike to offer more resistance than necessary because I feel more grounded when it’s a bit harder to bike.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 5:32 pm anxiety squirrel OMG I love this so much. Shut up, you chattering squirrel! You CAN do this!!
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 12:00 pm Sometimes it’s busy foraging for nuts, then it comes back to tell me all about the terrible things that might happen.
AnonoDoc* July 21, 2019 at 6:18 am “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly at first” Wish I remember the name of the woman who taught me that! But really, everyone is a beginner at some time. Some people pick up some things more quickly than others, but no one is a quick learner of everything, and no one is an expert at everything. And “nearly hitting” people and things seems like it is par for the course for learning to ride a bicycle. Maybe practice in a large empty parking lot until you are more confident, so there are less things to potentially hit?
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 12:01 pm Thank you. It’s hard to remember things take time. And some more because of age.
LGC* July 21, 2019 at 11:57 am So – one more thing: it really depends on the bike path. There’s a multi use path in my town. It’s pretty high traffic, and is mi
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 12:03 pm We went on a busy bike path because that was the point. There’s one near my house that I hope is less busy.
LGC* July 21, 2019 at 4:14 pm That does make sense, but it might have just been too much for right now. If it’s possible, try the one by your house – you might not have been ready for a super busy bike path (yet), but a slower progression will work better and rebuild your confidence. Also, I’m hitting the “yet” because I’m pretty sure you can do it – it was just a quick ramp up.
LGC* July 21, 2019 at 12:12 pm Lesson learned: don’t comment from the mobile site. Anyway, so there’s a mixed use pathway in my town (that runs through five towns, actually) that gets pretty high traffic. You get runners, walkers, and cyclists. At high traffic times (weekend mornings) things get dicey – I’ve had multiple run-ins with bikes and some of those were my fault! So I’m supposing that a huge part of the “problem” is that you might have been put on the equivalent of I-95 for a driving lesson! Definitely stick to less chaotic situations for now, and try to go on the path at lower traffic times if possible. (This depends on the path, but generally speaking – weekdays are better.)
Owler* July 21, 2019 at 8:28 pm Good for you! I love the freedom of getting around by bike, and I hope you can enjoy it eventually. Do you have a coffee shop or friend nearby where you can bike there and treat yourself when you reach your destination?
ToeWoes* July 20, 2019 at 7:58 am Warning: Medical Question I had two partial/permanent toenail removals back in December. I saw my doctor again in February because the dead skin wasn’t shedding and one toe looked like it was getting swollen where the nail had been removed. He cut my nails super short, scraped away the dead skin, and sanded the surface of my nails down. I went back two weeks ago because I was still having pain and thought the nails were growing back. He said it was just dead skin, so he removed that and cut my nails super short and sanded them again. He said he hasn’t had other patients with pain problems. Now one toe is looking red and puffy again and it’s getting even more painful. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice? I’m getting frustrated because the procedure was supposed to stop the minor pain I was having, and now I have more pain than I did pre-procedure. I’m afraid if I go back to the doctor he’ll want to remove my whole toenail. I can’t imagine how much pain I’d be in if my whole toenail was removed instead of just one side of it.
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 12:58 pm Wow. This has gone on too long. If your doctor isn’t a podiatrist, I’d get a referral to one. (Just ’cause he says he doesn’t have patients with pain problems, doesn’t mean that’s true. And even podiatrists mess up sometimes.) Find another medical professional to look at your toes – either in-person or by photo. I think you need another opinion. If a medical advice phoneline is available, talk to them. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you get the help you need to resolve this.
ToeWoes* July 20, 2019 at 3:37 pm The doctor is actually a podiatrist, but getting a second opinion sounds like a good idea. That’s a good point that the “no one else has had pain” comment could be untrue. Whether it’s true or not, I think it’s kind of dismissive. Thanks for your comment! :)
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 5:35 pm [insert mocking SpongeBob meme here] nO One ELSe HAs HAD PAIn >:( I am mad on your behalf. That is definitely dismissive! I second a second opinion.
Ranon* July 20, 2019 at 1:31 pm I’m also team podiatrist. I had an ingrown toenail treated by a gp and then by a podiatrist- night and day experiences. Recovery and time before I was no longer in pain was dramatically faster with the podiatrist’s treatment.
ToeWoes* July 20, 2019 at 3:38 pm I’m glad your recovery and pain relief were fast. I thought there was something wrong with me since I’m not having a good recovery, but maybe it’s my doctor. Thanks for your comment! :)
Good luck with that* July 20, 2019 at 3:12 pm Third the suggestion of another doctor, and SOON! That sounds like an infection to me. While waiting for the appointment, keep up or resume the daily (at least) soaking with the hottest water you can stand. It helps in several ways: keeping the skin softer so it can heal properly; drawing the infection, especially if there’s a pocket of infection under the skin or nail; and soothing the pain. I had a toenail removed years ago – the whole nail, but not permanently. It really shouldn’t be that painful after two or three weeks, absent bumping it. Admittedly, it might take longer if you’re diabetic or older, but seven months!? You are not receiving adequate medical care.
ToeWoes* July 20, 2019 at 3:41 pm I’m not sure if it’s infected, or if the edge of my nail is just poking into the skin now (though I guess that could cause an infection!). I’ll try to start soaking it. I think I have some epsom salt I could also use. Thanks for your comment! :)
WS* July 20, 2019 at 9:21 pm This doctor has told you in so many words that he’s decided you’re too much trouble and he’s not going to help you. Get yourself to another doctor or podiatrist ASAP, because this guy is terrible on anything slightly complex.
Kat in VA* July 21, 2019 at 1:15 am Seconding the “get another podiatrist” option. Doctors can and do make mistakes, and some of them suck. (long story ahead) Somewhat related but not really – when I was snowboarding heavily (as in 60-80 days throughout the season from late Nov to early April), I had a pain in the ball of my foot that would get really, really bad while snowboarding. I ignored it (because, snowboarding!) but the season ended and it felt like I had a ball the size of a peanut which made walking painful. Podiatrist decided to have an MRI done on it and called me, and I’ll never forget this call. He told me that he thought the ball in my foot was definitely a sarcoma because it “lit up like a GE lightbulb on the contrast MRI” and I needed to see an oncologist, stat. Thus followed six weeks of sheer terror and stress and despair for me and my family. The oncologist ordered one kind of biopsy (core), the biopsy surgeon decided to do a different kind (needle) with the result of “not enough cells to be sure if malignant”. I was referred to a sarcoma specialist, who refused to treat me because it was orthopedic-related and she didn’t want to mess with something that would affect my mobility. Side note: sarcomas are swift moving and deadly. In the few instances of sarcoma in the foot I could find while Googling, the treatment was a below-the-knee amputation posthaste and no guarantee that it wouldn’t seed itself in your brain, breast, liver or elsewhere. Prognosis was dismal. Guess what? No orthopedic surgeon would touch me, because !sarcoma! I must have called at least ten. So I had a cancer specialist who didn’t want to “mess up my mobility” and ortho specialists who were terrified to deal with cancer. Remember at this point, I had only an MRI to go on, and not even a conclusive biopsy. My husband finally started calling podiatrists starting with the letter A and pleading his case. The first one blew him off. The second one also was like “nope”. The third’s nurse, after listening to his tearful story (as we were going on six weeks with me being a hot potato), spoke to their doc who said, “Well, whether it’s sarcoma or not, either way, it’s gotta come out.” They made an appointment for me the SAME day. I went in, the doc said we could do surgery the FOLLOWING day and she’d have a pathologist right there as she was cutting. If sarcoma, amputation. So I went into surgery the very next day not knowing if I’d wake up missing a leg from the knee down. It wasn’t a sarcoma. It was a benign fibroma, caused by repeatedly tearing the flexor hallucis longus tendon from aggressive snowboarding. I have a high pain tolerance. Stupidly high, some might say. In the six weeks that I was being shoved from pillar to post, it had grown much bigger and wound its way through my foot bones, requiring the podiatrist to literally disarticulate the bones in my foot to get it all. I have a scar there, and I have to get it checked every few years because sometimes fibromas will decide to reincarnate themselves as fibrosarcomas. I’ll never forget the feeling of helplessness and combined fury at MULTIPLE doctors who either couldn’t or wouldn’t get involved and one fearless doctor who helped me out of the kindness of her heart. So yeah – if you have a doctor who is blowing you off when you are in pain and you KNOW something is wrong, keep going to another doctor and another one until you get someone who will actually *do* something about it. I have a similar story about a broken facet joint in my neck (also incurred snowboarding!) that started growing a ball of bone and a similar situation of being bounced from neurosurgeon to oncologist and back again but it would take too long to type out here. Suffice it to say that it took nearly nine months to have the surgery I required and three neck fusions later, I’m still jacked up. One doctor is not the be-all and the end-all. They can suck, just like nail technicians and car mechanics and lawyers.
ToeWoes* July 21, 2019 at 3:16 pm OMG. I am so sorry about your ordeal with the fibroma! That’s despicable that doctors didn’t want to get involved with your care because you *might* have had sarcoma. Even if they felt uncomfortable treating you themselves, they could have at least helped you get a confirmed diagnosis and recommended doctors that were better suited to deal with it. That’s so callous that they were just like, “nope!” I’m glad you finally found a good doctor and got your foot taken care of. I have a high pain tolerance too. It’s hard for me to figure out when pain is worth going to a doctor for. Thank you for sharing your story! I feel compelled to find a new doctor ASAP.
Mimmy* July 21, 2019 at 6:26 pm Oh Kat that is horrible! I think had the biopsy surgeon done the type of biopsy the oncologist ordered, you would’ve gotten a proper diagnosis a lot sooner. I’m also on Team Change Doctors for ToeWoes!
ToeWoes* July 21, 2019 at 3:04 pm I was wondering if “my other patients haven’t had any pain issues after the procedure” could be double talk for “You shouldn’t be having pain problems–it’s all in your head. Stop complaining.” So, yeah, I guess I am too much trouble and he doesn’t know what to do except point out that no one else had any complaints to invalidate mine. :/ Thanks for commenting! :)
Jaydee* July 21, 2019 at 10:14 pm Said before a procedure, “my other patients haven’t had pain after this procedure” is meant to be reassuring. Said once in a mildly puzzled tone after the procedure, it suggests a doctor genuinely curious about why your situation is different from that of previous patients. Otherwise, it’s pretty dismissive, and “Good for them. What are you going to do about my pain?” is a reasonable response.
Penny* July 20, 2019 at 8:08 am When you’re out in a group of friends, if the restaurant won’t do separate checks, how do you figure out costs between you all? If we separate each item, we always seem to fall short on tax and tip because people calculate incorrectly or just plain cannot math. We don’t want to evenly split the check because some don’t drink liquor while other have two drinks, or someone just gets an appetizer while others get a full course meal. I’ve downloaded an app that lets you separate items on a receipt and calculates tip and tax based on your amount but my friends say that we don’t need it, the math is easy. We haven’t had any fights over it but it’s becoming a real point of annoyance that makes me dread going out with a big group to a restaurant that doesn’t do separate checks.
Tacocat* July 20, 2019 at 8:16 am We usually just split evenly, but I get screwed because I don’t usually drink and others typically do. But you can also just divide tax and tip by number of people and then pay for your individual orders? It gets really confusing with a large group though. I’d be tempted to just go to places that do separate checks.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 6:06 am Your friends are kind of taking advantage of you there. If you don’t drink you shouldn’t have to subsidise their drinks.
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 8:26 am I’m usually the one calculating the split. I think it helps to designate one person rather than each person calculating their own. I’ll calculate the tip for the whole bill first divide that and the tax evenly for the number of people then add up each person’s bill by rounding to the nearest 25 cents (easy math). I add the split tax/tip to that, round up to the nearest dollar and tell them what they owe. I’ll double check the total against the bill once I’ve collected all the money and adjust if I need to. Oh, if there are shared appetizers I’ll split those the same way I split tax. With this method, the waiter always gets a good tip, since I calculate that first and round up when I can.
gecko* July 20, 2019 at 8:57 am That’s very annoying!! I know you said you already downloaded an app, but my favorite app is Tab—you take a picture of the receipt and then choose what you purchased. In that case you could try saying, like, it’s just like passing the receipt around but more convenient! I suspect your friends don’t want to bother going through the IT hurdle of downloading an app, blah blah blah. Can you talk about it at the beginning of dinner instead of the end and ask them to try? Can you use Tab once to demonstrate here’s how no one gets shorted on the bill? Very annoying—good luck
Serious Sam* July 20, 2019 at 9:21 am What I have done in the past when organizing & booking is to state up front that all drinks will be paid with cash when ordered and the bill for the food will be split equally. Seems to work when people know upfront what the arrangement will be.
Good luck with that* July 20, 2019 at 3:18 pm That sounds like a really good approach. I think it’s the drinks that really make even splits unfair to non-drinkers. Unless one person always orders the most expensive thing on the menu….
Anon from the Bronx* July 20, 2019 at 10:20 am No advise, but I really dislike restaurants that can’t accommodate separate checks. If the group is particularly large, I understand it’s a hassle, but I would choose a different restaurant in that case.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 20, 2019 at 10:30 am Depends on your state/local tax, but growing up in NYC, with 8.25% tax, we used to add 25% to the menu total (because this was back when 15% was the standard tip). Adding up the individual items isn’t hard, especially if you round up to the nearest dollar when prices are $X.95. And if you look at the total on the bill and the total contributed, and see that what’s on the table only provides a 10% tip, you just have to start doing the math for others — IME one or two instances of being caught at shorting the server on the tip usually makes the person much more careful, whether it was deliberate or not. But then, most of my friends are dorks like me and like doing calculations in their heads, and are very good at it. If we had one friend who was genuinely bad at it, I’d probably do it for them every time proactively to prevent any mistakes.
Old Biddy* July 20, 2019 at 1:22 pm When I was in grad school at MIT, my roommate had some friends who were perfectly fine at doing math in their heads but were still stingy AF. They’re still like that, unfortunately. In contrast, my grad school friends were more of the ’round up and leave a big tip’, fortunately.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 11:18 am Make it a point to go to restaurants that do separate checks? The friends that say the math is easy, are they the ones who are shorting the group? Who pays when there is a shortfall? I’d be tempted to use the app while they are all calculating on their own. Then read the conclusions off the app.
Overeducated* July 20, 2019 at 11:20 am I used to have this problem a lot but I haven’t in years; in addition to check splitting getting more common, it seems like as my friends have gotten older they’ve erred more on the side of “err on the side of generosity for tax and tip” than on the side of minimalism. So all I can say is that i hope this problem resolves itself for you!
Jaid* July 20, 2019 at 11:34 am Tell your friends that if the math is easy there wouldn’t be an app for that and use it anyway. Hey, make it a contest to see who is the most accurate!
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 4:08 pm How big are these groups? I feel like there’s a certain group size beyond which check-splitting will just always be more hassle than just finding a different restaurant to go to that will do individual tabs. (I suspect this size is around 6 people – larger groups can work if everyone is ordering just a meal that will come as a single meal charge and a single drink, but even fewer if people are ordering large quantities of alcohol and shared apps and may forget what they ordered later.) It helps to have one person in charge of the bill and keeping track of who owes what. Make sure this person is assertive and not conflict-averse, because you don’t want them to decide to eat overages themselves rather than “bother people” to get the last parts collected. The hardest is when there’s a drink that no one claims, so if that’s a regular problem in your group you’ll want to develop some kind of drink-tracking norm so it’s easier to settle up later. Maybe poker chips? If each person takes a red poker chip each time they order a beer and a blue one each time they order a mixed drink, they can just count those to see how many drinks they had while settling the bill later.
Patty Mayonnaise* July 20, 2019 at 9:36 pm I would just put everything into the app and say “hey I already set this up, pass it around the table.” Don’t give anyone the chance to say no! One of my friends uses an app like this and this is how she got me to use it the first time :)
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 6:04 am I am usually the one who does the bill because I have a degree in math (and am naturally good at it). I Would still often make mistakes – not big ones though. and my friends would always jokingly slag me off (I think Americans call it “ribbing?) when I would say oh darn I forgot to include your wine or whatever the mistake was. Then one night I said I’m way to drunk to do this someone else do it. It took them about 40 mins and involved a million mistakes and recounts. They don’t slag me off anymore when I make little mistakes. Basically restaurant maths is hard! Firstly you are often drunk and or tired when you are trying to do it, then you have some people who are drinking and some who are driving or pregnant, but they often have soft drinks, then you have people who had starters and didn’t. Then you are trying to split the cost of x wine bottles between y people. Then there’s the whole who had the espresso and who had the frappe lappe complicicino. Only to find out at the end that there is tax and service charge on top except when it’s already included and then if there’s no service charge or the service charge is less than 10% you have to add on a tip too. I have a degree In maths and I make mistakes all the time. I haven’t tried any of the apps though so I can’t comment on them. Mostly I work out the wine first and say “whoever had the wine add €8 to the bill, plus tip. Then I work out everyone else’s bills individually excluding wine. Then tell them how much is the included service charge and let them add their own tip. We usually end up pretty close. If the total amount we put in is way off a normal tip amount I’ll say “that’s only a 5% tip (or that’s a 25% tip), will I work it out again” and usually people will say nah don’t bother heres an extra euro or we’ll all take out a euro or whatever.
Ron McDon* July 21, 2019 at 4:21 pm I usually check the bill to make sure it’s correct, then work out what everyone owes – I just use the calculator on my phone. It’s easier if one person does it, rather than everyone doing their own, I find. If we all eat/drink a similar spending amount I’m happy to split the bill equally, but it always seems to be the people who have lots to drink, and starters and desserts who suggest this way of splitting the bill when everyone else has had just a main course and one drink!
OhBehave* July 21, 2019 at 5:59 pm Choose a place that does sep checks if you can. Pass around the receipt and have people mark off what they got, add cash to the pile accordingly. Figure out the tax % and tell each to add that % plus tip. I wonder if the server would print out multiple receipts, one for each person? Such a pain.
Neef* July 21, 2019 at 7:15 pm Lately my friends and I have been choosing a place, looking @ the menu, calculating a mid-priced drink, app, and entree, tax tip etc, and then sending out a message to the group chat with something like “If you want in on Sushi at So and So Place on Saturday night it will be $40pp up front give the money to Janey by Thursday at noon” Of course if you go over the $40 it happens but that person puts in a little extra to cover it more as a kind gesture not as an exact to the penny thing. This avoids the awkwardness and discomfort at the end of the night when deciding how the bill will be split and one person usually doesn’t mind putting it on her CC to get more points especially if all the money is already in hand. I know it definitely relaxes me and I can actually enjoy the food, the conversation, the wine, instead of constantly running a tab in my head about who owes what and how much cash I have in my wallet.
SS Express* July 22, 2019 at 12:32 am I generally split the bill evenly because overpaying feels like a good deal compared to the huge hassle of splitting the bill any other way. But if I’m with people who I know will prefer to work out each person’s share I just take change, work out my own share and put that exact amount in, then let everyone else figure the rest out themselves. Alternatively you could either take over and work out everyone’s share yourself (using an app if you prefer), or give the job of tallying it all up to the people who think the math is too easy to need an app. “Can you tell us how much we all owe Jill? You know I can’t work these things out myself but you’re so good at it!” Tipping isn’t compulsory where I live so I always take some extra cash for a tip and leave it on the table at the very end – otherwise I’ve found my tip ends up subsidising the cost for someone else and the server doesn’t get any of it. This would also work if there’s a standard tip included in the cost but you want to add a little extra on top of that.
Tacocat* July 20, 2019 at 8:09 am I have a friend i would describe as the food patrol. She is always “eating healthy” and claims to be a vegetarian (even if she isn’t). It comes down to her having food issues which I understand from experience as well, but find that the constant Need she has to talk about it and make decisions about all food related gatherings makes me feel pretty aggravated and bad about myself. She always suggests going out to dinner, and sometimes it’s pizza or some kind of pub, but then she last minute says “can we get something healthy instead?” And everyone has to change all of their plans and expectations even though she was the one that suggested pizza in the first place. Recently I had a group of friends over to my place for a swim and they were coming at lunchtime. I mentioned to her that I was going to stop at the store to grab some lunch and she offered to come with me, which sounds nice but I know was to control what was bought. I told her I wasn’t going to go right before people came over (which was when she wanted to go, but I can’t not be there when people start showing up) but in the morning, and thanked her for the offer to come with me but to let me know of any requests. None of my other friends are picky at all, we host and get a few different options and everyone brings something. But then she got all bent out of shape and said she was going to eat lunch at home and we should all go out to dinner… which was not in the plan at all. And of course it was going to be some health food place no one but her wanted to go to. I know she has food issues and this is relatively minor, but it really gets on my nerves. Shes also someone who talks about food and her issues, and I understand what it’s like to have foot issues and have them as well… But she’s always making her issues everyone else’s also. I’ve tried to just avoid food altogether and do movies etc. with her, but she always suggests dinner and then goes on and on about the healthy options and eats something “bad” (her words) instead. This is particularly irritating after she decides the restaurant with healthy options and eats whatever she wants anyway and then laments about it. She runs a social group and has a disclaimer for people to not being junk food, and if people don’t notice it and dare to being something she makes a big announcement about it and it’s just cringey. I know this sounds uncompassionate, but it makes me want to avoid her entirely. It’s that extreme, and I haven’t captured it all here because some of the “events” are very specific. So… how can I be more compassionate to her without letting her make every decision? It feels like putting my foot down would be a not very nice way of dealing with someone who has a genuine issue around food, but this is exhausting.
Colette* July 20, 2019 at 8:17 am Oh, put your foot down, in a kind way. “I’m going to eat lunch before I come but let’s go out for dinner” can be met with “sorry, I can’t do dinner but will see you when you get here!” “Let’s get something healthy” when she’s earlier suggested pizza can be met with “no, I’m looking forward to the pizza we planned. I’m sure they have salads if you want something healthier!”
Beatrice* July 20, 2019 at 6:05 pm Yep, I’d get really pointed about sticking with the plan. Maybe make a point of suggesting healthy from the beginning or choosing a place where you know there are healthy items for her to switch to if she changes her mind, but I really hate it when plans veer off into a different direction after they were already pretty firm, and I’d be shutting that down if it was a pattern.
foolofgrace* July 20, 2019 at 8:18 am If it were me, I’d think it’s time to start ghosting her. If she brings up why that’s happening, you can compassionately come clean about how her food issues are getting in the way of everyone having a good time. “Well, since you bring it up, we are often not in agreement with you about where to go to eat, and the majority want to eat at places that you don’t like.”
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 8:34 am Please stop accommodating her. She’s gone way overboard with her policing and judgment. It doesn’t matter if there’s an understandable underlying cause.
Beach Bum* July 20, 2019 at 8:51 am Definitely stop giving into everything she asks. Don’t let her change plans already in place and tell her to bring her own food if she’s really that concerned about health things. I have one friend who is vegetarian and, whenever we do potluck gatherings, I put her in charge of the salad or veggie tray so that she can control on veggie thing to her own desire without nagging anyone else about it. I have another friend who has a severe food intolerance that limits what he can eat. He’s really accommodating though. Typically we pick a place to eat and he does a quick look of the menu. If he can find even one thing he can eat on there, he’s good. If he says ‘Sorry, nothing I can eat at that place’ We pick another restaurant. He’s very grateful that we do accommodate as much as we can, and isn’t demanding, so we’re happy to do it. Your friend constantly pulling an attitude about it would make me not want to work with her on options at all.
Perpetua* July 20, 2019 at 9:00 am “Putting your foot down” would actually be a healthy way of dealing with these situations, genuine issues around food or not, if by putting your foot down we mean sticking to the original plan or telling her kindly but firmly that you won’t do ______ (thing she suggests that has turned out not to work in the past). You don’t mention it here, but have you ever talked about it directly with her? The situations you mention all seem to fall on the side of you (and other friends possibly) going along with her suggestions in the end and then “suffering” in silence about the consequences of her actions. Would it be possible to stick to the plan of just movies, even if she says “let’s go to dinner”? Or could you try introducing a ban on all food talk with her? For what it’s worth, you don’t sound uncompassionate at all, and I can clearly imagine how exhausting all this must be. If it’s a friendship worth saving otherwise, I’d try some more direct communication and being firm (but I do recognize that for some people that might be quite uncomfortable).
Kate Daniels* July 20, 2019 at 9:24 am I have a family member who does this, and it’s so irritating. For instance, I mentioned how I thought a pasta dish I made would have been better with more cheese on top, and she responds with how that is “more caloric” (no duh). But then she later that night helps herself to a huge bowl of ice cream or opens up a bag of chips and starts (over)eating without putting a set amount in a bowl. She also frequently says things like, “I can’t remember the last time I had [fries or insert another snack here]” prior to helping herself to one of mine off of my plate… as if presenting herself as eating healthy 99.9% of the time and letting herself splurge with my “unhealthy choice.” I think psychologically, it may help her *think* she is actually eating healthier than she is if she voices out loud how unhealthy something is, but it is so, so frustrating. No real advice, but I can commiserate and relate!
The Cosmic Avenger* July 20, 2019 at 10:40 am Your example is enlightening, as IMO the issue isn’t about the friend’s choices, or even her attempts to change plans (although that is a minor but mostly distinct issue). I think the reason people like this rankle us so much is because they’re judging us, when they fall so short of the standards we feel they’re trying to hold us to. But I guess it doesn’t much matter, as the way to deal is as others have said, just don’t change your plans for them. Everyone wants X, and this one person wants Y, so sorry, we’re doing X, I hope you can come. And I cannot imagine listening to someone else at the grocery store, unless they’re a member of my household, and even then, I buy things all the time that no one else in the house will eat, and it’s SO not a big deal! The only other thing we can do, and it’s not easy, is to work on not caring about this kind of person’s judgement. I mean, they’re ridiculous! They not only have no business making those decisions for their friends, they don’t even hold themselves to their own standard! When you think about it that way, it should be easier to let go of the resentment about being judged, and just laugh a little (preferably internally rather than outright) at how ridiculous their expectations are.
Tacocat* July 20, 2019 at 12:09 pm Yes. This is such a great point. And it’s exactly what friend does.. aggravating to know that there is more than one person in the world who does this!! I mean… let’s be real, there are a lot of people who are ridiculous this way.
TechWorker* July 20, 2019 at 3:42 pm So I agree it’s worth the group as a whole stopping giving in – especially when she agrees to a plan then wants to change it on a whim. But also – when someone like this makes a point of how healthy they are and then eats shit anyway – they’re not doing that *at* you. It’s hypocritical – yes – but it usually comes from a place of insecurity and their own bad eating habits rather than a desire to critique those around them. I would genuinely try to just ignore those comments and change the subject/don’t engage.
REALLY!???* July 20, 2019 at 6:44 pm Reading this —> Another vote for seriously considering the question as to why you are still “friends” with this person. Really. I have food/body image issues and stuff up the wazoo – and I work extra hard and bend over backwards not to have them be issues in any interactions with other people. And to be honest, I don’t have all that many people beating down my door to be friends and socialize. So — consider what this person does offer to you — it must be pretty potent stuff.
Anon from the Bronx* July 20, 2019 at 10:15 am I would just start nicely, politely saying no to her requests about food or changing plans. You can be compassionate about a person’s issues without tying yourself in knots or making everyone else change their plans. If you do it nicely but firmly, you do not need to manage her feelings. And whenever she brought up food issues, I would politely cut her comments short. You are apparently all well aware of her thoughts on the subject. No need to reiterate ad nauseum.
Koala dreams* July 20, 2019 at 10:25 am It’s nice that you want to be compassionate, but it’s not good to be compassionate of one person and rude to all the others. For example, last minute change in plans is not nice to the other people who counted on eating lunch/dinner/pizza or whatever you decided on. Also, it can be pretty triggering for some people to hear how food is “good” and “bad” and such. I urge you to re-think this idea that compassionate is the same as letting people off the hook for rude and inconsiderate behaviour. Sometimes the compassionate thing to do is to set your foot down, either in the shape of “What a pity you can’t make it to lunch, see you next time” or “Wow, stop policing other people’s food”. Good luck!
I'm a Little Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 10:51 am You know how people with anxiety are sometimes told to (essentially and this is not the right phrasing) suck it up and deal? That constantly accommodating their anxiety is actually bad and can make it worse? Same situation. She’s got a problem, ok. It sucks. She needs to figure out how to cope better, and that’s not on anyone but her.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 11:27 am Yeah, this is more than a food issue. This is someone who is using food to hijack plans. Suppose the go-to was not food, it was a puppy or a baby or anything else. “Let’s get pizza.” Then later you hear, “I have a puppy/baby/whatever so I need to do something else”. “No. You knew you had a puppy/baby/whatever when you said to get pizza. We want to include you so we took your idea and ran with it. Now you are saying that you do not like YOUR OWN idea. You suggested pizza, everyone is set on pizza so it is going to be pizza. Next time you pick you can chose something more to your own liking.” Stop changing plans to accommodate her mood of the moment. Tell her she gets to pick ONE place, not ten.
Tacocat* July 20, 2019 at 12:12 pm This is a really good way to frame it that I hadn’t considered. She is anal retentive about plans in general and introducing food into the mix brings it to a new level entirely.
Quandong* July 20, 2019 at 8:44 pm I completely agree with Not So NewReader. This is about control, and if this person wasn’t using food and social dining choices as a vehicle, they would use something else. I wonder if your friendship group has become so accustomed to working around this behaviour that it just seems normal now? Would you tolerate it from a new acquaintance?
That Girl From Quinn's House* July 20, 2019 at 2:19 pm Yes, this. She’s figured out that her food issues give her an excuse to exert her control over everyone else and run roughshod over your plans.
Jaid* July 20, 2019 at 11:39 am Depending on how close you are, sit her down and explain that she’s food policing people, and it’s not being very friendly. It’s fine for her to watch her diet, but she cannot guilt people into changing theirs.
Tacocat* July 20, 2019 at 12:06 pm Wow, thanks everyone!! I really appreciate the input. I wasn’t sure if I was being really uncharitable about the whole situation to do other things with her. I’m sure it’s no shock that this is the only way she’s challenging. I have been distancing myself gradually. It’s too much for me and she often preempts any opening for any kind of criticism in what I consider to be a manipulative way. I really wasn’t sure whether I was just overreacting to this particular situation, and I’m actually surprised that it seems I’m under reacting. I guess this Serves as a reminder to trust my gut and my own feelings! I appreciate everyone’s input!!
Stanley Nickels* July 20, 2019 at 12:54 pm This sounds beyond a food issue, more like a general control/self involvement issue. If you really want to stay friends, you could try firmly telling her, “All this talk about healthy food makes it hard for me to enjoy my meal and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop focusing on it while we are out or making plans,”, giving her one last chance to address it herself. If she can’t do that (or if you don’t want to deal with the headache of bringing it up), it would be perfectly reasonable for you to cool your friendship. She’s using food to try to control other people and she’s not trying to meet you halfway, which doesn’t sound like a good friend at all. I hope this resolves well for you!
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 1:13 pm We all have issues about something. They are not a license to be a jerk. It’s not your job to absorb the grief of her issues. If she gets left out if things, or starts losing friends, perhaps that will give her an incentive to get better help. Right now, her issues seem to be impacting you more they are impacting her. That’s not compassion, it’s enabling. Compassion is to politely decline things you don’t want to do. And if she wants to know why your dynamic has changed, tell her the truth with kindness.
Victoria, Please* July 20, 2019 at 6:04 pm You don’t sound uncompassionate, you sound very patient and kind. This would be *tedious* at best.
Tacocat* July 21, 2019 at 9:28 am Oh gosh. Last night might have been the last straw for me. We went with another friend to a show and on the way back she was obsessing about getting ice cream. I mean straight up obsessing, not just saying oh ice cream would be nice maybe we can stop if we see some. Just going on and on about how she wanted it. It was late so she was suggested going to a 24 hour grocery store even though I was the one driving and it was over an hour away at midnight. Anyway, we found a rest stop with ice cream and she gets this giant ice cream and afterwords she gets really cranky and says “”next time we hang out I’m not going to get all the junk food. It makes me feel really bad about myself and I shouldn’t do it.” And she said as if other friend and I forced her to do it when she wouldn’t shut up about it from the time we were still at the show!!!! Neither of us said a word in response. I was dumbfounded. Thanks for letting me vent. I’ve been working through a lot of negative feelings about her and have decided that distance from her makes me feel better.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 21, 2019 at 11:17 am If she’s passive-aggressively blaming you, the best thing to do is act oblivious: “Oh, yeah, I guess maybe you should consider that first next time!” Or, if that’s too hard for you to fake, maybe something along the lines of “You say that a lot, but you keep doing it. Would it help if we started warning you when you’re sabotaging yourself like that?” Or if you’re really just at the BEC stage with her, when she first starts obsessing over a food, remove yourself from the situation: “You know, last time you did this you got really upset after you ate it and acted like it was our fault. If you want it, I think you should (drive yourself/Uber/anything where she makes that choice without you there).” Just some ideas, I hope they help. I’ve had lots of friends with lots of issues, and some I’ve been able to keep and they’ve learned to manage them so that they don’t get called out by me, and some have gotten offended at my lack of participation in their drama and moved on, but either way, it’s not my problem any more!
Nervous Nellie* July 21, 2019 at 10:53 am I read this with sadness and interest because this very week, syndicated advice columnist Carolyn Hax addressed a similar question (Title – My Girlfriend’s Anxiety Over Food is Making Me Anxious”). A reader wrote in about his/her girlfriend’s issues with food, and Ms. Hax said the same as the AAM gang here – it’s not about the food, it’s about anxiety. Not all of the details may match, but you may find her words resonate with you in the same way as everyone’s great words here. I wish you the best of luck, and hope your friend can find some comfort in all of this.
Parenthetically* July 21, 2019 at 4:01 pm If you care about maintaining a friendship with this person, can you have one conversation with her addressing the big picture? Like, “Hey, can I tell you something I’ve noticed? (Describe repeating pattern around food.) I hate talking about diets and I really hate moralizing food choices. Can I ask you to knock off the ‘good/bad,’ ‘junk’ language around food with me? It really stresses me out to talk about food in that way when it’s really just all food.” I’m coming out of a pretty disordered place with food, and moralizing language around food is REALLY triggering to me. I’ve had to unfollow a lot of friends who never shut up about their “cleanses” and “clean eating” and “appetite control” and “portions” and on and on. It’s hard, because I know what it’s like to live in that place of feeling helpless and desperate for control around food and putting all these rules in place to try to feel more confident, but I don’t want to go back there. I just want to be able to eat some damn pizza without someone implying that it’s somehow sinful to do so or that I should feel guilty or choose a “healthier” option. I think you can, for the sake of your own healthy relationship with food, draw some firm boundaries about this — and I think ultimately it’s not helpful for HER to have people around her contributing to the idea that it’s normal to act like this with regard to food by giving into her fussiness and rules. Gently and kindly pushing back on her might be just what she needs to see that there’s a better way.
anon_smbc* July 20, 2019 at 8:12 am Any single mothers by choice here willing to share their stories? I’m considering going this route since it doesn’t look likely Mr. Right will arrive anytime soon. Did you ask a friend to help or go with a sperm bank or some other way? Did you encounter judgement from your doctor?
foolofgrace* July 20, 2019 at 8:22 am Single mom here. No judgment from doctors (and if there were, I’d find a new doctor). But I didn’t go the sperm bank route — three doctors told me I was unable to have children so I tossed the birth control and next thing you know: Surprise! It’s a tough road but it can be done — it happens all the time. My mom helped a lot for the first four years (then she died) and I didn’t have a lot of support after that but I made it work and my son is the light of my life. But it wasn’t easy.
Anon for This* July 20, 2019 at 1:25 pm I’m currently pregnant with donor sperm (20 weeks). I went with a bank but chose a donor whose identity gets released when the kid turns 18. I didn’t have any friends who I thought were the right fit and honestly that way involves a lot of hoops and expenses (unless you’re willing to just sleep with them). I encountered zero judgment from doctors though I have done this in two major metropolitan areas (moved halfway through). Reproductive endocrinologists are totally used to working with single women and my midwives don’t care at all. If you’re in the US or Canada I highly recommend joining the Single Mothers by Choice group. There’s a fee to join but the forums are so helpful and supportive. And there’s a wealth of information about the TTC process and various options. There are also local groups in most cities though I don’t know of a central way to find them. Happy to answer other questions if you have them!
Aspiring Chicken Lady* July 22, 2019 at 8:47 am Two pregnancies, 3 sperm banks, 1 kid. I liked the donor identity option of my final bank. And the fact that they’d ship to me or to my dr, and I was able to do the insemination at home. No IVF and all that. Just insert ingredients and see what happens. Supportive family was key, as was making sure to connect up with other parents quickly. I was able to join a Moms Club that had activities and whatnot, but — most importantly — a babysitting coop where we could swap services. Gave me a whole pack of chosen family to connect with and lots of role models. One of the best parts … I get to make all the decisions. One of the worst parts … I have to make all the decisions. But I’m happy with how it turned out. Small Boy is now 21, has no interest in his donor, and is a solid, wonderful young man.
Rainy* July 20, 2019 at 2:05 pm If you ask a friend to help, go through a sperm bank/fertility clinic to protect the friend from unwanted responsibility for the child. If you just have a baby with someone and something happens later on, your friend will be on the hook for support and everything that entails. Clinics are used to the paperwork required, and that will protect your friend legally.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 5:58 pm I know a mum from skating (her kid skated, not her) who got tired of waiting for a man to come along and adopted a baby from China. The baby is now in her senior year of high school. This person had three things I think were really important in making her decision: 1. A good support system (family; friends, including a married adoptive mum whose daughter also skates — I think they might have got their babies at the same time from the same place). 2. A good career with good benefit coverage — she’s not rich but also not low-income. 3. She wanted to be a mom regardless of the circumstances. People have suggested I do this, but I don’t have these, and it would not be a good choice for me. I think if you are sure it’s the right choice for you, that it’s a wonderful thing. Good luck! :D
Public Health Nerd* July 21, 2019 at 11:06 am A colleague ended up adopting embryos- they were planning on adoption but it didn’t work out. This friend has a magic ability for having a network of people to help, which was important when Kid was little. Now that he’s older, these people are more like regular family members and less in the trenches with day to day parenting. Also, good quality childcare so they could work, and the ability to work odd hours if needed.
Colette* July 20, 2019 at 8:14 am I’m looking for off-the-beaten-path attractions in eastern Ontario/western Quebec. Anyone have suggestions?
GoryDetails* July 20, 2019 at 11:04 am I don’t know if this counts as off the beaten path, but I’ve enjoyed visiting Stanstead in QC; it’s on the Vermont border, and hosts the delightful Haskell Free Library and Opera House, which straddles the international line. Stanstead also has its own stone circle, combined with one of a series of pioneer monuments; a nice stop if you’re in the area. (I also recommend Le Tomifobia, a charming bistro in Stanstead.) I don’t know that I’d call the place a destination-site (though it was for me, as it’s a scant three-hour drive from my house in NH!), but if you are wandering around the region it could make an entertaining stop.
Colette* July 20, 2019 at 1:59 pm Within a days drive of Ottawa, probably? I have a week off and no plans, and I’d like to do some exploring. I’ve been to the major cities (Ottawa, Montreal, Toronto, Quebec City) but I know there’s a lot more out there.
WanderingAnon* July 20, 2019 at 8:49 pm I live about 2.5 hours away from Montreal in Vermont. There’s a lovely food/beverage trail near Hemmingford, Quebec, which is a few miles over the border from eastern New York. There’s always Parc Safari, but I go up there for cheese (I love Fritz Kaiser https://www.fkaiser.com/en/), cider (especially ice cider), and wine. In the summer time there’s also blueberry and lilac farms as well as campgrounds. Some of the tours are self-catered, and others are by reservation. There are plenty of family-owned businesses tucked here and there even in rural quebec. Link – https://www.quebecoriginal.com/en-us/search/Organic%20food%20products/section/things-to-do/subsection/heritage-sites-and-attractions/category/routes Enjoy!
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 8:36 am Asking the hive mind for US based* vacation suggestions: I’m having trouble getting enthusiastic about any destination for my next trip and need a few suggestions to consider. I’m probably traveling in Feb/Mar to escape the cold. I’ve already gone to New Orleans, Portland (OR) and Chicago. I like excellent or interesting architecture and crafts and craft culture. I enjoy watching crafts in process or trying it myself (glassblowing was awesome!), so factory tours are an option. Unfortunately these are things that don’t often make it into AAA guidebooks so it’s hard to know where to go. Any suggestions? Thanks! *I’m saving for Japan for the next year so I want to stay inexpensive and in country this year
CTT* July 20, 2019 at 8:48 am Have you ever done Santa Fe and the surrounding environs? Lots of interesting architecture (including, if you want to get historical, the Bandelier National Monument) and a ton of pottery. I’ve never sought out seeing it made but I imagine there are some studios that have open hours.
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 9:15 am Been there once but only for a day, so it’s an option. I know I did the obvious tourist things in that day so I’m stuck on what else to do there.
The Messy Headed Momma* July 20, 2019 at 9:21 am I lived there for 15 years. You won’t escape the cold as it’s at 7000 feet elevation, but the art/craft scene is amazing!
Ree* July 20, 2019 at 9:12 am Charleston, SC? It’s beautiful, very historic, nice winter weather and only about 2.5 hours(maybe 3) from Savannah, GA if you wanted to see both cities.
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 1:24 pm A big second on Charleston! DH and I did a long weekend for an anniversary some time ago. It was delightful. Oodles of historical treasures, walking tours and the food alone was worth the trip. (We were introduced to the joys of shrimp and grits while we were there. YUM)
Not A Manager* July 20, 2019 at 10:04 am Los Angeles is surprisingly warm in Feb/March and that’s also the sunny time. (Spring and early summer can be very grey even though it doesn’t rain that often.) Both Getty museums are architectural gems, and also have great landscaping if you’re interested in landscape architecture. There are boardwalks and beaches in a number of communities, decent restaurant options, and Venice in particular has a vibrant arts culture.
ArtK* July 20, 2019 at 11:18 am Plus dozens (if not hundreds) of small museums all around SoCal. Lots of ethnic oriented ones with tons of interesting crafts to see. LACMA, the Natural History Museum and the California Science Center are great, too. There’s Griffith Park, with the Zoo, the Autry Museum, Travel Town (if OP is into trains at all there are lots more places, too!) Lots of Disney-related stuff, like the Merry-go-round that helped inspire Walt. The Griffith Observatory is wonderful, too. The Huntington Library and gardens are amazing. Worth a whole day by themselves. There’s some wonderful old architecture in downtown LA and across the basin. Union Station is one of the most beautiful of the old passenger terminals and they’ve restored it very well. I love just hanging around looking at all the detail. It’s a blend of Spanish Colonial, Mission Revival and Art Deco that works well. Take the Surfliner south to San Diego — more great architecture down there, especially around the Zoo, and the trip gives you a great run along the ocean. SoCal gets a bad rap, because we do have lots of tourist traps. There’s still lots of interesting stuff that we locals know about. Lots of factory tours available, just use your favorite search engine.
Katefish* July 21, 2019 at 11:11 pm One caveat: February and March in So Cal are still in the rainy season. But there are often sunny days mixed within the rainy season and it’ll still be warm compared to most of the U.S. (From a native)
Bluebell* July 20, 2019 at 10:22 am I’d suggest Savannah or Asheville. If you go to Asheville, the Penland School of Crafts is only 50 mi away. savannah has its own college of Art and Design. They both have some beautiful architecture, and you’ll be warm! Another suggestion is Nashville– go to Cheekwood, and also make sure you visit their replica of the Acropolis. The city was far more artsy than I had ever expected.
GoryDetails* July 20, 2019 at 11:10 am I don’t know how far afield you want to go, but if you get up to White River Junction in Vermont you’ll be near the scenic Quechee Gorge *and* the Simon Pearce glass company, where you can see glassblowing in action, ogle the goods for sale, and have a nice lunch or dinner at their restaurant. Oh, and the Saint Gaudens historical site is in the same general area, and includes the former home and workshop of the famous sculptor along with full-size replicas of many of his most famous works. I think there are workshops there in season, where you can watch other artists at work, but you’d have to check the schedule for that. Definitely worth a visit if you’re in the area! I’ve also had a friend recommend the Corning Glass Museum in Corning NY; haven’t been there myself but he raves about it.
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 11:17 am I do plan to spend some time in Corning at some point and Vermont sounds like it could work, but not in February! When I’m planning something for summer/fall I’ll remember that though!
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 3:27 pm Plan ahead for Corning and you can take classes in glassblowing , lampwork, etc. I treasure the lumpy little paperweight I made. (My biggest lesson though? My arms weren’t really strong enough for this art form.)
RemingtonTypeType* July 20, 2019 at 11:32 am Scottsdale, Arizona is a popular place to go in the winter. There is a big artsy scene, and it’s a good place to use as a “base camp” for day drives to Tucson, Sedona, or even the Grand Canyon (better if it’s more than a day). LA is about 5 hours away if you want to break your vacation into more than 1 place.
Stanley Nickels* July 20, 2019 at 1:37 pm What about Austin, TX (known for arts/music) or San Antonio (the Riverwalk area gets rave reviews)? Also, for any trip, I recommend checking out TripAdvisor’s tour reviews (google “tripadvisor” + [the city] + “things to do” and it should come up). You can filter them by type (I.e. Cultural tours for art focused things) to get a good idea of what to do in the area. I’ve had a lot of success booking things based on TA reviews (namely food tours, that’s always my favorite thing to do!).
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 4:58 pm I hadn’t thought of Trip Advisor reviews, I’m a bit old fashioned and tend to just get the AAA guidebooks until I know where I want to go, then I check online. Hmmm.
Stanley Nickels* July 20, 2019 at 11:17 pm TripAdvisor is great for getting new ideas and finding things to do that you wouldn’t have thought of! You may also want to try working backwards form how you normally plan – try googling things like “vacations for art lovers USA”, “glassblowing USA” (or whatever craft you’re interested in), or “craft vacations USA” and you’ll get articles/lists about various places. If anything sounds particularly interesting, then check out the city/nearby locale and create a trip that way.
Washi* July 20, 2019 at 3:32 pm I don’t know how warm you’re hoping for, but DC is fairly temperate in March, and towards the end of the month a good number of things have started blooming. There’s a good number of crafts at Eastern Market and if you’re interested in studios, you could go out to Glen Echo, or smaller but closer in, the Brookland arts walk area. And in addition to all the Smithsonians, there’s also the Building Museum and a large number of smaller galleries. DC can also be cost effective because you can fly into a major airport, don’t need to rent a car, and a lot of the attractions are free.
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 4:55 pm DC is close enough to be a long weekend for me, so it’s not somewhere I’d think of for a week’s vacation. The weather is also very close to my central NJ weather so it’s not much of an escape. But thanks for the craft leads! I can seek them out when I do get there.
Seeking Second Childhood* July 20, 2019 at 3:36 pm Factory tours? Here’s a resource for you! I used to love going to the Citrus Groves when I was a kid visiting my grandfather, and you wanted warm, so I clicked on Florida. https://www.factorytoursusa.com/state/florida/
Surrogate Tongue Pop* July 20, 2019 at 9:00 pm If you like artsy and whatnot, St. Petersburg, FL. It’s no longer “God’s waiting room”, but a burgeoning small city with a huge artist vibe. Think…art walks (2nd Saturday), guided mural tours, glass blowing (Morean Arts). We also have the 2nd largest collection of Dali works outside of Spain. And hoo…restaurants GALORE. Plus, it’s 20 mins to the beach if you desire a beach day or two. Also, other towns in our county are also quaint but into art, so lots going on in the Fall/Winter/Spring.
Mammo-anon* July 20, 2019 at 8:50 am Biopsy was Thursday and it went well (no pain, bruising or swelling). Results first part of the week. Will you all “wait” with me? Work is going to be excruiating!
Daisychain* July 20, 2019 at 11:04 am Waiting is so hard. I’m sending you positive thoughts and keeping my fingers crossed.
..Kat..* July 20, 2019 at 1:18 pm Waiting with you. Calm breath in. Calm breath out. Waiting with you. Thinking best thoughts.
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 1:30 pm Oh my dear…you are in my heart. I’m having the lung biopsy on Thursday the 25th. (Lumpectomy will be later) I posted my latest update earlier this am but it was snagged in moderation and just now released. Waiting is the worst of all…answers are preferable in the long run. (No matter what type of answers.). Keep breathing and know you are loved. Blessings
PickyChicky* July 20, 2019 at 4:05 pm The best positive wishes. This was me earlier this week and I had good results. Here’s hoping you have the same.
Quandong* July 20, 2019 at 8:50 pm I’m so glad you didn’t have pain or swelling from the biopsy. I’m thinking of you and hope you have plenty of distractions at hand if you need them.
Christmas* July 20, 2019 at 8:52 am I’d love to know what each of you remember about your favorite or most impactful teacher growing up, and why you felt that way. It could be a characteristic they had, a learning activity they engaged you with, or anything they did to help you feel supported, and that stuck with you. <3
BeanCat* July 20, 2019 at 8:57 am Mrs. N made me love science. She cultivated my interest in bugs (I constantly had a carrier of crickets, caterpillars, the works) and even when I went back years later she let me hold her class pet snake! Most importantly she was kind. She was energetic and I could tell she genuinely loved what she did, and loved each of us. Even when we frustrated her I could tell it came from a place of wanting us to be our best selves. I’m pretty sure she’s still teaching :)
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 9:18 am A high school history teacher had a very active way of teaching (I now have a vivid memory of what defenestration is!) and even though I am very much NOT a history person, I took AP European History my senior year because he was teaching it!
Mammo-anon* July 20, 2019 at 9:20 am I don’t know if she was the most impactful buty second grade teacher encouraged my creative writing and was one of my teachers who suggested a career as a journalist or something. I bumped into her thirty years later and let her know I was indeed, a journalist. We both teared up a bit.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 10:31 am I was really fortunate with good teachers. One was just one of those legendary teachers that older kids would tell younger kids they had to have–he was funny, creative, committed, and passionate. He had weekly “Rain Quizzes”–on Monday, if it had rained on the weekend, we had a short quiz; you could test out of the quiz if you correctly answered a surprise question, usually about current events. Another was my third-grade teacher who was just a good fit for me. This wasn’t a school with onsite lunch, and when my mom had to be at the hospital all day for, I think, her breast biopsy (this was a long time ago), my teacher took me home to her house for lunch.
university minion* July 20, 2019 at 10:45 am Two were music teachers. One, he and his wife were practically surrogate parents when my own family was falling apart. They also taught me to appreciate good food and were one of the few examples I had of a healthy marriage. The other simply gave me space to be a really weird, nerdy kid and for that to be okay. We still keep in touch and GAWD some of the cringey things I’m reminded that I did when I was 11 or 12… let’s just say I maybe wish his 90 year old memory wasn’t quite so sharp sometimes. Not really, of course – this guy is freaking brilliant and I could listen to him all day long and never be bored. The last was my high school biology teacher. She’s a badass feminist and all around good egg. Her class was the first class I truly had to work in and she hit the sweet spot of being really supportive, but also challenging and not cutting anyone any slack.
Earthwalker* July 20, 2019 at 11:12 am *Most* impactful? There were so many it would be hard to choose. After two months of first grade in public school in which our small reading class groups had not learned to read a single word, my folks and their friends moved us to a tiny Episcopal school. The teacher took my friend and me aside for two half-hour catch up sessions in which we learned to sound out the alphabet. We went home to read our homework, a dozen pages of Dick and Jane, all by ourselves. Reading seemed easy then and with that good start I’ve always enjoyed it. My second grade teacher had the strange practice of dictating poems – like The Owl and the Pussycat – and then correcting our written copies and having us rewrite the poems correctly. I learned about the rhythm and rhyme and vocabulary of poetry and so much about how punctuation works that I came to enjoy writing. Then there were the history, trigonometry, and physics teachers in later years who were so passionate about their subjects that they sparked my interest in subjects I had always thought that I hated. To this day I read history and physics books for enjoyment. Another very impactful teacher was the junior high phys ed instructor who focused all her effort on the talented girls who might win gymnastic competitions and then encouraged them to jeer at the rest of us who struggled with anything that required coordination of our gangly adolescent bodies. I got so angry with her that I spent years afterward proving to myself my own physical strength and stamina in an imaginary “I’ll show her!” crusade. Of course I never saw her again, but I owe my active life in large part to her.
ArtK* July 20, 2019 at 11:39 am It’s so very hard to pick just one. I’ve had many who had an impact on me (not all good, BTW.) From elementary school it would be Mr. Carter, who taught instrumental music and gave me a gift that I’ve cherished ever since. Mr. Rigg who was just a great all-around teacher. One project I recall was painting copies of Van Gogh paintings by projecting the outlines onto large pieces of paper and then coloring them. The one my partner and I did hung in the school auditorium for yeasrs, along with another that our class did. Middle school: Mr Belba, who introduced me to computers and gave me my career. Mr. Bright, another music teacher who let me switch instruments and grow as a musician. Mr. Oliveri in HS; again a music teacher. Mr. Werner, math. He was just a memorable character. In college, another music teacher (and no, I’m *not* a music major!) F. Kelly James taught me a lot about leadership and showmanship. One piece of philosophy that has stuck with me over the years is: “Remember who you are and what you represent.” Great for keeping squirrely undergrads in line on a trip, but also good grounding for the rest of life.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 11:51 am I had Mr. T for math for three years in high school. In his classes I was actually good at math. It was how he explained it and how the home work was closely related to what we had in class. We practiced what we saw in class that day. In college there was Mrs. B. She actually worked in her field. So she had real life stories to tell. She made the lessons so down to earth and so practical, she was very loved/respected by the students. She was tough, but you could please her. You could even wow her. Sometimes tough leaders (teachers/bosses) do not show when they are wowed. They are never pleased with your work. Mrs. B had a delightful way of finding something impressive in most of the work she graded. And then there was my history prof. This guy could teach history the way a library person would read a book to children. It was easy to forget to take notes because of the way he explained things. Picture an AAM version of a history department. Once in a while, we would derail him with questions, “Why did x happen?” or “What did people think about Y?” etc. He could give these impromptu lectures in full detail to answer these questions. His recall of names and dates was astounding but better yet he knew how to show the story line. So he had a 45 minute class and every day I left with not less than ten pages of notes. It was brutal, he moved right along explaining things. He recommended authors for more background. I was wowed. It was not until years later that I realized his peers were wowed also. Another history prof, 200 miles away, said to me, “You studied under so-and-so? omg. Do you know the good fortune you had?” hell, yeah, I do. I recently read of his passing. The world lost someone special. He could present both sides of a bad situation and explain why each side was reacting they way they were. He did not seem to take sides, but rather he just analyzed what groups people were concerned about. We need more people like him.
Ramanon* July 20, 2019 at 12:58 pm We were supposed to raise butterflies in 2nd grade, the county/school board/whatever gave all the public schools funding for it, but my school “lost” the funding (it went to the principal’s pockets, more like) and so we couldn’t do it. My teacher brought in a bunch of cockroach nymphs instead (they were supposed to be all dubia roaches, but there were more than a few hissers in there, and bafflingly, one banana roach). The reason why she was my favorite teacher was because when I got attached to Mr. Hisser and couldn’t take him home (family was making jokes about killing him from the first day), she kept him in her house for five years and told me about him every time we saw each other. It was just a really nice thing for her to do.
OyHiOh* July 20, 2019 at 1:59 pm Mr Nolting, my high school world history teacher. He was the first teacher I ran into who really *believed* I had the ability to do the things I talked and dreamed about doing. It helped also that he wasn’t the sort of history teacher who required strict memorization of dates and places and names. Rather, he wanted us to understand the relationship between people, places and events. If you understood the sequence of events and who was involved, that was less important than knowing exactly when. Also, he taught us to back up and look for the how and the why. Major events don’t just happen out of nowhere.
Gatomon* July 20, 2019 at 2:23 pm Trigger warning: 9/11 I was 12 at the time, and my middle school had gotten a grant a few years prior to put TVs in all the classrooms. They had a few cable channels like CNN, CSPAN, etc. My school was diverse; we had decent populations of black, Asian and Middle Eastern students of all faiths (Jewish, Muslim and Chaldean). We heard rumors pretty quickly about the first attack, and my teacher, Mrs. F, turned on the TV to CNN so we could find out what was happening. They put the whole building on lockdown just in case – in retrospect we were in no danger, but we didn’t know if other major cities like Detroit might also be targets. We were watching as the second plane hit. Administration then came in and told Mrs. F to turn off the TV, but she put it back on after they left because she felt we needed to know the latest updates. Shortly after that we had to change classes, and my math teacher pretty much bitched us all out for being upset and tried to teach her lesson as normal. We learned nothing, and we honestly all hated her forever after that. We were terrified for our parents and relatives who worked in major cities or who were visiting NYC or DC at the time, how were we supposed to care about math when we were all picturing our loved ones dying in our heads?? The next two times we came into Mrs. F’s class, we didn’t learn any social studies. Instead she led us through discussing what had happened, how we felt about it and what the implications were. I am really thankful that she did that, because I think the whole situation could’ve devolved into serious nastiness given the anti-Muslim sentiment that gripped the country afterwards. 12 is also that weird age where some people’s families think they are too young to know horrid things, and other’s think they are old enough, and you get these weird gaps in knowledge and understanding within your peer group. You’re also starting to think differently than your parents, but they still have a huge influence on you, and you can easily get pulled in problematic directions. I think those discussions really helped me digest and cope with the terror attacks – I honestly did not get any guidance at home. My father fell into a deep depression, quit working and became obsessed with the ensuing wars and became very nasty towards anyone who was of Middle Eastern descent. My mother was too busy working and was basically not around. Had Mrs. F not had that discussion with us, I don’t know if I’d be the same person I am today. My father’s views were oppressive – there was no escaping the cable news or his vitriolic, racist rants at home. I really admire Mrs. F all these years later for not only being a great teacher in general, but also being a great role model/leader in a really critical moment for her students. I appreciate her decision to not treat us like idiot kids, pretend it hadn’t happened or tell us how to think or feel in the days afterwards. If I had kids, she is the teacher I would want them to have every single year.
KayEss* July 20, 2019 at 2:40 pm My high school English teacher, Mr. Weiler, taught me to critically analyze and understand the themes of texts, which set the stage for… everything about the way I think and interact with the world now, honestly. I don’t know if he had some special way of teaching it, or if I was just ready to learn it at that time? At one point he explained multiple interpretations of something as being correct in different ways and to different degrees as like the text being a candle–your interpretation of the text can be closer or further from it, but it’s still being lit up by that source. So, for example, “Stopping by Woods on Snowy Evening” can be both about how lovely seeing snow falling is, AND about attraction to the peace of death. Maybe one is “further” from the candle’s flame (we weren’t quite ready for death of the author, I think), but neither one is flat-out wrong. He also (probably most critically for my development) really encouraged me to trust my own interpretation instincts. We had to keep a kind of journal about the texts we were covering in class and review it and how we had learned and progressed in one-on-one sessions toward the end of the term, and I remember he flat-out told me, “KayEss, your only problem is you don’t trust your own conclusions. You don’t have to wait for someone to confirm or give you permission, you can just make your argument. You’re noticing all the right things and having all the right thoughts, so have confidence in them.” (And then there was the massive tool of an adjunct I had for a mandatory course I hated every single second of in college, and that I deeply resent was the critical factor in leveling up that initial analysis education from “texts can have different meanings” into “people can find different meanings in texts depending on their own viewpoints and influences, and those aren’t wrong and should be taken into consideration when a text is being created.” Which is, again, a huge factor in who I am and how I think about literally everything.)
Koala dreams* July 20, 2019 at 3:29 pm It’s hard to pick one but the teacher I’m most often thinking of as an adult is my home education teacher. She was a bit scary when I went to her class, rather strict, but I remember so many things she told us. About not being wasteful of food, about checking price tags and compare prices, about taking care of your home. I was never very good at cooking and other home education things, but I’m taking care of my home to the best of my abilities and I believe that teacher gave me the confidence to learn and do better.
TechWorker* July 20, 2019 at 3:47 pm My 6th form maths teacher (ages 16-18) was a complete legend. Not only was she very intelligent and really knew her subject (sadly not the case for the previous teacher of that class) she was strict but *kind* with it. The teacher we’d had before that was generally liked but also took her frustration out on the class sometimes and publicly shamed people for not knowing the answer.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 5:01 pm My 8th grade math teacher was amazing. I went to an alternative school run very much along hippy lines that year. He taught a 7th/8th grade blended math class where he’d teach on a topic and assign homework out of 6 different books for the six different level groups he had us in (3 for 7th grade, 3 for 8th grade). (He just referred to them as “which book you had for homework” rather than emphasizing which book was for high/on track/struggling or 7th/8th grade students – we didn’t use books in class so it wasn’t obvious to other kids on a daily basis which homework group you were in.) He put so much work into differentiation and making sure there were more and less challenging assignments available so all kids could have something useful to work on. (I remember tiered tickets out the door and I think the weekly problem-solving tasks may have also been tired – he had a giant cabinet with tiny drawers and would have all of that sort of thing printed on slips of paper and just pull out the slips he needed.) I don’t know how many years he’d been at it by the time I got there, but it was an amazing amount of personalization. That was pretty much the only year I did my math homework regularly, I think because I didn’t want to disappoint him. He’d also always expect 30 seconds of silence after we finished warm-ups (which were mixed review) and before the daily lesson. I asked him why years later (since it definitely wasn’t the kind of school culture where people would be trying to “sneak in” prayer), and it turns out it’s because he needed a little bit of quiet in his day so he could recharge and be patient with the next group of kids! It was useful for a lot of the kids too since school doesn’t have a lot of quiet in it. (He’d just expect everyone to be silent and with their eyes closed for 30 seconds until his watch beeped again.) My most impactful teacher was probably my second grade teacher who would tell me things like that I’d grow up to be a juvenile delinquent someday, in that she taught me that school adults are not allowed to hit you and that if you don’t care about their incentives or consequences you can do whatever you want. This was probably not the best way and time of life for me to learn that if you don’t care about the resulting consequences you can break rules all you want, but it sure did have an impact on how difficult to deal with I was for many years of elementary school to come. (My parents basically broke the cycle by sending me to series of hippy alternative schools, which did not give me much to rebel against and instead built relationships and motivated students that way, but I was perfectly willing to go limp and sing at the top of my lungs on the floor as a form of protest in my elementary years, so there were some school struggles there for a while.)
rubyrose* July 20, 2019 at 5:49 pm My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Dickens. The school was in a low income area. I had just transferred from a parochial school. Academically, I was heads above all the other students. She went out of her way to challenge me, to enrich my lessons so I would not become bored with what she had to teach to others. But the real gift that still influences me today occurred one afternoon when she had me mimeographing (yes, it was that long ago!) some papers for her. She asked me what I wanted to be when i grew up. Now my parents had no expectations for my sister and I, except for us to immediately get married out of high school and have many babies. But I knew that with her asking that question, i should want to be something and having babies was not it. So my brain went to what I was doing. I told her I wanted to be a secretary. She looked at me, told me I could be more than that, and dropped the topic. Those were the words I hung onto when I applied to college without my parent’s blessing or support. She changed the direction of my life.
Stella* July 20, 2019 at 6:13 pm Mrs. Cochran from 2nd grade! I was always interested in art and doodled on every piece of paper I had. Most teachers would be irritated that I scribbled all over my notes or classwork, but she always encouraged me and even asked if she could keep some of my sketches (though I’m sure back then they weren’t any good). Right before my family moved away to a different city she came to our house and brought me an art kit that had all kinds of markers and colored pencils and paper. She was a truly kind and generous person who looked for the best in everyone.
chi chan* July 20, 2019 at 11:10 pm There were so many teachers that affected me. I got validation from them that I did not get from my parents. My maths teacher who encouraged me to apply for a scholarship and my English teacher who recommended extra books that I still treasure and my Science teacher who made learning fun with quizzes and games and projects.
Marion Ravenwood* July 21, 2019 at 5:22 am Mrs G., my high school English teacher. She was the one that got me into proper ‘grown-up’ books (I still have the copy of Ian McEwan’s The Child In Time which she lent me after I fell in love with the chapter we read in a mock exam paper), and always encouraged me to pursue my dream of being a writer.
Lost in the Woods* July 21, 2019 at 6:52 pm I had my third grade teacher, Ms. M, coming off of two years of bad expereinces. I didn’t jive with my second grade teacher at all, and my first grade teacher liked to stand over us and scream if we failed to complete our math problems in the assigned time frame. She also told me to my face that I wasn’t very smart or anything special (who says that to a six year old?). Ms. M figured out that there was something going on with my panic attacks during timed tests, and over the course of the year helped me develop techniques to relax and not panic. I’m getting ready to take the MCAT, and I still use those techniques to deal with the time pressure. I was bullied for most of elementary and all of middle school, and she was the first teacher who asked me to explain why I was upset, and the first to ever tell me that I did not deserve to be treated poorly by other students. When it became eminently clear that the school was a very bad fit for me, she recommended to my parents that we apply to the local gifted and talented program. I credit that program with saving my life. She and my mom remained in contact, and we still talk pretty frequently!
BeanCat* July 20, 2019 at 8:53 am Stay cool today! It’s 86 in Boston but feels like 93 already at 9 am. :’) stay hydrated and take care of yourselves if you do go out! I finally have my surgery date which let one helium ball come down. Now I just have to think about what frozen meals I’ll get those two weeks, and whether I want to rewatch Haikyuu or Run With the Wind while I recover, haha!
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 9:29 am It’s 83 already up here in Portland. New Englanders aren’t meant for this heat!
BeanCat* July 20, 2019 at 1:38 pm We’re in Merrimack, New Hampshire to see friends and it’s 93 but feels like 98. We really aren’t meant for this!
Jaid* July 20, 2019 at 11:42 am It’s 92 degrees at 11.41 in Philly. I got my snacks, my comfy clothes, and my A/C… I’m staying in for the weekend.
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 12:03 pm laughs in Floridian who am I kidding, i’m stuck inside in the excessive AC all day, I won’t have any trouble staying cool. Fingers crossed that your surgery goes well!
NoLongerYoung* July 20, 2019 at 2:47 pm Sending hug. Soups are always good… even when it is warm, I can thaw them and heat in the microwave, and pair with bread or a salad. Wishing you the best. I found I needed (when I was post surgery and on pain meds) to eat at a minimum, crackers and cheese/hummus/something with protein so I didn’t have an empty stomach when it was med-time. Something light enough so I could lay back down and go to sleep (nothing heavy). It had to be a little tempting, not too spicy,and easy. LOL. Everyone’s definition of that varies, so no specific recommendations of what to make… just maybe do smaller bits in the freezer, so you can warm two if you are hungry, one if you just need to tide self over and nap again. (one small one heats much faster, of course, and I didn’t feel like standing long.)
BeanCat* July 20, 2019 at 8:50 pm Thank you so much for the advice and well wishes! Last time I definitely didn’t eat much the first few days so I’ll be sure to have more crackers this time. I love oyster crackers.
Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus* July 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm Mid-Hudson Valley, NY here. Staying inside with AC for the rest of the day.
Miki* July 20, 2019 at 8:08 pm 91 (heat index 97 right now) in central IL. Can’t wait for mid 80s weather. Good luck with surgery!
Beach Bum* July 20, 2019 at 8:53 am Heading to Japan in a month, specifically Tokyo, Kyoto and Osaka. My itinerary is starting to get filled up but any recommendations that I should consider?
Beach Bum* July 20, 2019 at 8:58 am Recommendations for bamboo forests/parks would be very helpful, want to narrow down on some of those.
BeanCat* July 20, 2019 at 9:06 am Ooooh!! I’m pretty sure there’s a manga museum in Kyoto if that’s your thing! If not, my dad and I loved the shrines. We were there for a firefly festival and it was beautiful! Have a fantastic time!!
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 9:21 am >following this thread. I’m probably going to Japan in a year and a half or so (though with a tour group) so I’m going to glean some ideas myself! Thanks!
Catherine* July 20, 2019 at 9:54 am Tokyo local here! Pack lots of linen and lightweight, breathable clothing. It’s hot here in August! Attractions depend on your interests but my friends and I tend to hang out at Diver City in Odaiba a lot. When I’m with my brother we tend to bum around Asakusa to eat ningyoyaki even though it’s hell to get around because it’s so packed with tourists. If theme bars are your thing, go for Akihabara and Harajuku. There’s also a great traditional kaiseki restaurant in Ebisu called Igarashi–the chefs do speak some English and can explain the menu if you have questions. Nightlife: Roppongi is sketchy, Ginza is classy, Ebisu is trendy.
Not A Manager* July 20, 2019 at 10:11 am There’s a moss garden at a monastery outside of Kyoto that is well worth seeing. You need to apply for entrance in advance. Nara is a good day trip from Kyoto. There’s a Ghibli museum outside of Tokyo that I didn’t get to, but my travel companions enjoyed a lot. Kyoto is full of temples and shrines, but don’t miss the temple of 1000 Kannon (Sanjūsangen-dō). If you have time and money, try to do at least one night at a traditional inn (ryokan). We stayed at one that was a short train ride outside of Kyoto in the mountains. It was wonderful and not as pricey as some. I can get the name if you like.
Nessun* July 20, 2019 at 11:20 am For any anime fans (or fans of whimsy) the Ghibli museum in Nitaka is just lovely. They play a short film daily that’s not available anywhere else in the world (Japanese only, no subtitles). Its not a really huge place but it’s cool. You need to buy a ticket in advance iirc.
LinG* July 20, 2019 at 10:37 am There’s an awesome little museum in Tokyo, but I can’t remember the name! It’s was several of the old style wooden houses set up in a larger building with all of the original furniture and housewares intact. You could touch everything, look through drawers, sit on the futons, whatever. I love that type of slice of life exhibits and I really enjoyed it in a rainy day.
Spooooon!!* July 20, 2019 at 11:10 am Definitely check out the Fushimi Inari shrine in Kyoto. It’s the one that has 1,000 Tori (gates) up a mountain. My husband and I didn’t make it to all of them, but it was such an incredible place. We also rode bikes around Kyoto which was really fun. The Ghibli museum is amazing, but it’s very hard to get tickets to. We did it as part of a group tour that included a stop at an architecture museum that was awesome.
Nessun* July 20, 2019 at 11:24 am I loved wandering around Maruyama Koen (Park), eating takoyaki and listening to a busker who was there when I showed up each day. Theres a street you can follow from the park that has lots of temples off it (Kodaiji was my favourite), and the street connects to the street you follow up to Kyomizudera, which is a huge temple on the mountain side., great pictures to take everywhere. Also agree, Nara is an awesome day trip watching people feed senbei to the deer can be really funny, and the Daibutsu is amazing to see (no picture I took really captures the scale of the Buddha).
Max Kitty* July 20, 2019 at 11:53 am We liked the teamLab Borderless Digital Art Museum in Tokyo. It just opened last year.
Lived in Tokyo for long time* July 20, 2019 at 1:43 pm Kyoto – My favorite temples are Kiyomizu-dera and the Fushimi-inari shrine mentioned below. Other must sees are the Golden temple, Heian-jingu, the Silver Pavilion and the Sanjusangen-do (also mentioned below). If you go to Heian-jingu don’t miss going to the gardens in the back – it requires an admission fee but is lovely and worth it. For bamboo, I remember there being bamboo at the Silver Pavilion and also in Arashiyama. More like paths you can walk along through the bamboo. If you have time, last year we stayed at an old farmhouse outside of Kyoto called Banja Farm Stay and it was lovely. They have two old farm houses they have renovated and is run by a couple who also has a small farm. Wife is an artist and makes wonderful pottery and offers a individual pottery lesson if interested. You can opt to have breakfast and dinner included which was delicious and I would recommend so you don’t have to worry about finding places to eat. We stayed at the Goemon house which has an old bath that is heated by fire which was interesting (look up Goemon bath to find the origin of the name – it’s a bit morbid). Tokyo – If going to Asakusa temple, I recommend taking the boat from Hamarikyu garden to Asakusa. The garden is beautiful and it’s a nice way to relax and see the scenery of Tokyo from the water. Omotesando, Harajuku and Shibuya are fun to walk around (and all within walking distance of each other). If you are looking to spend a bit of time inside in that area, the Nezu museum is small but has interesting exhibits and a nice garden. There is a small cafe in the garden where you can eat with a garden view. Jiyugaoka is a bit off the beaten path, but is a nice place to walk around, check out cafes, restaurants and shops. It’s about 15 mins south from Shibuya on the train. If interested in onsens (hot springs) but don’t have plans to go to any ryokans or more formal onsens, there are “day spas” in Tokyo where you can take onsen baths and also relax with massages, restaurants or even just hanging out in recliners watching TV and taking naps. One is Spa LaQua near Tokyo Dome. Another is Manyo Club onsen in Yokohama. If interested in the Ghibli museum you need to get tickets way in advance. They would already be on sale now for August (and likely sold out) although maybe there are some ways to get them overseas that would still have tickets. Agree with the commenter who said Roppongi is sketchy – I would avoid it at night. As someone else mentioned, Japan is brutally hot in August. Walking around in cities and moving around on public transportation can be exhausting. Plan on taking rests in cafes/restaurants and if possible mix thing up by planning on going to places inside as well. Carrying parasols is a thing in Japan, so I would “do as the locals do” and buy one while there to help keep cool and cut down sun exposure. Have a wonderful trip! Japan is such a lovely country.
Nana* July 21, 2019 at 1:09 pm Excellent bus tours (English-speaking guides) out of Kyoto: Kyoto/Nara (half-day each). Beautiful park in Nanra. What kinds of things do you like to do? Lots of uneven stairs (everywhere). Purchase Japan Rail 7-day ticket (available only BEFORE you get there…also good for metro lines.
Mephyle* July 22, 2019 at 12:26 am Set aside a half day to explore Tokyu Hands (the big one in Shibuya) from bottom to top – an “everything” store. A museum recommendation, if Art Deco appeals to you: the Tokyo Metropolitan Teien Art Museum. It’s housed in an Art Deco palace, and hosts a series of temporary exhibits of modern art. Looking at the website, the current temporary exhibit (including when you will be there) is “Interior Decorating in 1933: Architectural Materials and People at the Former Prince Asaka Residence”. (‘Former Prince Asaka Residence’ refers to the palace itself.) Nearest subway station is Meguro. A couple more possibilities in Tokyo: if you like looking at ceramics and kitchenware, visit Kappabashi Street. If you are interested in fabrics and sewing, visit Nippori Fabric Town. If you like dogs, in your visit to Odaiba (noted by Catherine), don’t miss the Dog Mall at Palette Town. It’s not very big (just a few stores and a couple of restaurants), but fun to see people dining with their dogs at the dog-and-human restaurants. If you’re interested in shopping for Japanese treats (such as KitKats of many flavours, and much more), visit the Mega Don Quijote in Shibuya. In Tokyo, the vast Meiji Shrine is located deep within a huge park, or rather evergreen forest.
Minocho* July 22, 2019 at 10:39 am Just going to say enjoy Kyoto! As the only major Japanese city not firebombed during the war, you’ve got the chance to see some amazing sights. Of course you have to visit Ginkakuji and Kinkakuji, but if you haven’t already set it up, also try to see the Imperial Palace. I went with my Japanese English teacher as a “tour guide”, because as a Japanese native she had a waiting period to get in, but she got in with foreigners right away.
ThatGirl* July 20, 2019 at 9:05 am I like to bake and otherwise bring treats for coworkers. One of my new coworkers has celiac. Should I make the attempt to make gluten free treats she can enjoy? Or just bring extra packaged things she’ll know are safe? I know I can ask her but I’m interested I hearing from people with celiac.
Middle School Teacher* July 20, 2019 at 9:11 am Have you asked her what she would prefer? As someone with a good restriction I prefer that then someone who is well-meaning but not the most knowledgable.
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 9:19 am +1 suggestion to ask her. Prepackaged safe snacks are probably the better route to go, though, transported separately from the baked goods for everyone else; cross-contamination is a real risk, especially if you normally use gluten products in your cooking/baking.
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 9:24 am Not necessarily every time, but it’s nice every once in a while. There’s a bunch of fruit crisp toppings that are gluten free (check if she can do oats, sometimes that can be a problem too) so you wouldn’t necessarily need to experiment with/purchase gluten free flour just for this.
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 9:45 am Diabetes here so not quite the same. Echoing that you ask her. I appreciate the effort, but I don’t want “sugar free” candy or you to attempt baking substitutes. I am OK with not partaking ( though ocassionally wish people would dial it down with the work food). You’re very kind to remember her.
self employed* July 20, 2019 at 10:42 am I have a friend woth celiac who cannot eat anything made in a non-gluten-free kitchen. Cross-contamination is too high. So don’t be offended if she wholly avoids home baked goods.
Aly_b* July 20, 2019 at 11:04 am Cross contamination is a thing, and especially if you’re baking gluten containing stuff at the same time I’d be concerned. I’d ask, different people have different comfort levels, but for me I have to have some confidence that people aren’t just dipping their knife back into the same butter halfway through buttering their toast, and then using that same stick of butter in the cookies, to be able to enjoy it.
peanut* July 20, 2019 at 11:06 am You’re being so thoughtful, which is great, but do ask the person first. People with celiac usually don’t need just gluten-free ingredients; they need a gluten-free environment in which the snack was made. So a cake pan in which you have previously baked a cake containing gluten cannot be used to bake a cake containing gluten-free ingredients that would be safe for all people with celiac. Even if you got a whole new set of bakeware/measuring cups/etc to use just for gluten-free baking, there could still be cross-contamination that could make someone with celiac sick, since you will still be baking with gluten in the same area.
Pyrbennu* July 20, 2019 at 11:22 am I bake for coworkers also, and while I occasionally do bake for a coworker with gluten/milk/egg allergies, it’s important to bear in mind that not only do those ingredients for her recipes need to be kept separate (I have them in a plastic bin so I’m sure they don’t get mixed up) but it also takes a lot of time to make sure the kitchen is clean of contaminants. So generally I get a packaged safe treat with making it myself for a special occasion for her.
Dr. KMnO4* July 20, 2019 at 11:40 am Until you know exactly how sensitive she is, it’s probably better to bring packaged things. I have a friend who is extremely sensitive to cross contamination, as in, if you use a wooden spoon that was previously in contact with gluten she can get sick. Definitely ask your coworker and see, but as someone with celiac I would probably just prefer packaged things. There is hidden gluten in a lot of foods and I wouldn’t feel comfortable eating something prepared by someone who might not be aware of the fact that, for example, oats are often processed with wheat and thus are contaminated with gluten.
fhqwhgads* July 20, 2019 at 12:01 pm Probably not. Even if she trusts you as a human, she probably can’t safely trust your kitchen or your methods to not accidentally cross-contaminate in a way that’s unsafe for her. Unless you have other experience cooking for someone else where any cross-contamination is unsafe that would boost the confidence, I’d expect her to either appreciate the thought but still decline to eat any of it, or possibly politely thank you, take some, and then not eat it and hope you didn’t notice. If you ask her and she says she’d appreciate it, then go ahead, but unless she specifically said she’s fine with it, it’s probably not safe. If you wanted to bring something prepurchased and produced in a certified facility so she still has a treat, you could, but you don’t need to. If the whole point is it’s stuff you make, it’s probably not worth trying.
ThatGirl* July 20, 2019 at 1:06 pm Of course I’m going to ask her. But I did want to get a feel for what others think. And I know I don’t /need/ to bring in alternative treats, but I want to have options she can eat at least occasionally. Thanks, everyone.
..Kat..* July 20, 2019 at 1:37 pm Unfortunately, gluten is a hidden ingredient in many things. Couple that with contamination during preparation, and the good intentions of lovely people such as yourself are a nightmare for those of us who have to avoid gluten. The number of people with good intentions who have made me very ill is too many. And they have all been very kind yet insistent that they have prepared something gluten free for me. But, I can get very ill from their well meaning but not truly gluten free offerings. I would prefer that people not try to prepare gluten free food for me. They are well meaning, but don’t know how to do it properly. I would prefer that you offer me something that is “certified gluten free” (a label in the USA that means less than X ppm of gluten) or nothing. I am very used to bringing my own food. Thank you for thinking about this.
Rainy* July 20, 2019 at 2:38 pm I bake all the time (when it’s not a freaking sauna outside), so I don’t make anything “gluten free”, because cross-contamination means that there is no way there’s no gluten on something that comes out of my kitchen. If you make bread and pasta as much as I do, there’s just no hope.
ThatGirl* July 20, 2019 at 3:51 pm I know—we actually work at a company that makes some food products, and I’m aware of the legal standard because our products don’t meet it! I am very aware that anything I bake may be cross contaminated and that’s exactly why I asked.
Venus* July 20, 2019 at 5:05 pm I think the responses so far show how problematic food can be for celiacs. It’s at a point where each of my friends with it doesn’t trust what the others have made, because the list of what one can eat is different than others’.
spiralingsnails* July 20, 2019 at 4:57 pm Whole fruit in a separate basket is a nice alternative to offer too! A banana, an apple, or a mandarin orange can be a nice safe snack for multiple food restrictions and diets.
Rainy* July 20, 2019 at 2:08 pm I mean, ask her, but the celiac/otherwise gluten intolerant people I know are used to being excluded (as am I, honestly, due to allergies). Just be sure to clearly mark that things contain gluten.
Cambridge Comma* July 20, 2019 at 4:21 pm I have eight Coeliac family members. While they’d appreciate your intentions, none of them would risk eating your cooking as they wouldn’t know how careful you had been and would also assume that there could be cross contamination in your kitchen. Bring something packaged — could be chocolates rather than cake.
Skeeder Jones* July 20, 2019 at 4:52 pm Hi, I love to bake and also have a celiac co-worker. My mom is also gluten-intolerant so I have gotten used to baking gluten free. I have never attempted true cake gluten free, sometimes do cookies but they do come out differently. I use the gluten free flour from trader joes. The 2 most successful recipes are a flourless chocolate cake (no flour – no gluten) and gluten free cheesecake. I buy gluten free Joe-Joes from Trader Joes and make cookies and cream cheesecake. I use them for the crust, crumble them up in the cheesecake and then add some chunks to ganache as a top coating. They have been very popular even with the gluten-eaters. Maybe try some experimenting to get started but gluten-free baking is all over the place and there are recipes and articles to help. Don’t be afraid of it!
Venus* July 20, 2019 at 4:57 pm Celiac often has subtleties. It destroys parts of the gut which do digestion, so (in my experience) newly diagnosed celiacs often can’t eat dairy, and sometimes eggs, lentils, peanut butter, etc. It is one of those conditions where it is so variable that it’s nice to offer but very unlikely that they will eat home-made food. Both because of cross-contamination and the fact that their diet may be more limited. I tried cooking for a family member and eventually gave up as her restrictions changed daily (three years later they are more stable). And yet… I know some (usually who have had it a long time and are stable) who are fine with small amounts of cross-contamination. I made rice krispie squares and they were appreciated.
Rear Mech* July 20, 2019 at 7:15 pm My mom & sister’s point of view- bring the festive/exotic fruit or chocolate toppings and whipped cream on the side so that they could have a bowl full of sweet yumminess. Please note that they can eat anything that’s not directly contaminated and others may be more sensitive
A.N. O'Nyme* July 20, 2019 at 9:10 am Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? Not much progress here, I’m afraid. Still in the corner I wrote myself into so I’m probably gonna do a small side project for a while and see if that helps.
Christmas* July 20, 2019 at 9:21 am A good friend of mine mentioned that there’s this incredible Reddit thread of writing prompts. She shared a few of the prompts with me, just things to get your juices flowing, and they were absolutely incredible. Have you ever checked anything like that out?
Foreign Octopus* July 20, 2019 at 10:51 am I’m having trouble with a comment or on my story that I’m posting online to get constructive criticism on, and this person is just rude. They clearly don’t like the story (that’s fine, it’s not for everyone) but she just tells me she hates it or it’s rubbish. She last week accused my character of being a deux ex machina. I’ve tried to see the feedback in her comments but she just doesn’t like the story because it doesn’t fit with what’s in her head. I gently suggested that maybe it’s not for her and she said that us authors are always so sensitive about our work. I replied that I like constructive criticism and not just criticism. Eventually she stopped reading, but not before letting me know that she was doing it because it was rubbish, only to send me a message today to complain about the newest chapters. I’m at my wit’s end with this person. I could get a hundred good reviews with helpful comments but she just has to send me one awful message and my mood plummets. I’ve finally blocked her since I realized that she’s just going out of her way to find things she doesn’t like (it feels like she hasn’t actually read the story properly because I feel that everything is logical and other readers are getting it). It’s just frustrating that someone seems to find pleasure from doing this, and I hate it. (Sorry for the rant, I needed to post it somewhere.)
Christmas* July 20, 2019 at 2:23 pm Foreign Octopus: As I was reading your post, I started worrying if you could possibly block her. Then I saw that you did! That was the right instinct. You tried to find value in her comments, but your gut is probably right that she’s just enjoying being harsh just to be harsh, or possibly even enjoying trying to push your buttons. This is sort of similar: I’m a teacher and at the end of every quarter I give “Learning Reflections” to my middle-school students. Most of the questions ask them to reflect on their own learning, effort, strength, activities they like, etc. However, the final question asks them to give feedback to me. They’re preteens, so they can be silly (“Give us more candy!”) but I often get great constructive criticism. (Ex: “You don’t give us enough group or partner activities” or “Can we do the ___ activity more in class? I learn better that way.”) What sucks, though, is because they’re pre-teens/teens, they sometimes write mean things for no reason. Last year, a student wrote: “Your voice is annoying and you talk too much.” Sometimes I do talk more than I need to, but her criticism was presented rudely/inappropriately. But out of 127 submissions, I found myself dwelling on that one the most!! It’s difficult not to. I’m glad you were able to block that rude commenter, and I know her words will linger with you for a little while, but try to focus on the positive/helpful comments and enjoy the (mostly) positive writing community you’ve found! That one nagging voice will fade to the background. Happy writing!
Foreign Octopus* July 20, 2019 at 3:49 pm Christmas: Thank you so much for your kind response. I know that not everyone is nice, but it really confuses me why people are mean simply to be mean. It might be naïve of me, but I like to give thoughtful comments to the stories I read and if I don’t like it because it’s not for me, I don’t comment. You’re absolutely right that her words will linger and I’m trying to remind myself that of the nearly 300-odd comments I’ve received, she’s been the only one that has been rude. It’s strange how the bad stuff lingers. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that as well. Honestly, it was part of the reason I stopped working with teenagers so I’m impressed you can keep going with that. I just wish it was easier for me to deal with these things. But thanks for taking the time to leave such a nice response. It’s helped brighten my day!
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 5:14 pm What helps me, and I know it’s deeply silly, is whenever I read something that’s just unhelpfully critical (rather than critical in a more useful way) I kind of mentally go “Awwww, who’s a Grumpy Gus today? You are!” at them in that kind of baby talk tone. It seems to help me detach from being upset by the comment for for some reason. Very useful in the current acrimonious political climate when you accidentally stumble into the angry parts of Twitter, too.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 6:10 pm Some people just like to be that way. It makes them feel superior when they knock someone else’s work down. I don’t think everyone like that has low self-esteem; some folks really think they hung the moon and everyone should bow to their opinion. I read an article somewhere once about feedback that basically said you’re not obligated to internalize everything everyone says. You can just take what works for you and leave the rest. If it’s just nastiness without any real feedback, it’s fine to ignore it. It sounds like you handled it well — you didn’t get defensive and blocked her when she got annoying.
Claire* July 20, 2019 at 4:45 pm This is one reason I don’t post works in progress online. For one thing, it uses up your first publication rights. That means you can’t submit stories you posted online to agents and trade publishers. For another, you end up with jerks like this one. I’d strongly suggest signing up with a moderated forum such as AbsoluteWrite or Critique Circle, or a private group. *offers hugs to you*
The curator* July 20, 2019 at 12:29 pm As promised The Book! I discovered a few typos and was a bit devastated but then I realized that a major theme is letting go of perfectionism that causes writing paralysis so… here is my lovely imperfect open access, free to download book. Let me know what you think. The e-book edition will be available Tuesday but the pdf download is available now. http://z.umn.edu/writingboxes
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 5:43 pm Very cool! I’m going to pass this on to some people who run children’s programming at literary SF conventions, because this seems like a good format to steal for children’s writing workshops for the ones who are too young to come with things ready for critiques and such (or the ones of any age who just aren’t interested in being critiqued rather than having fun creating, for that matter).
the curator* July 20, 2019 at 8:30 pm Perfect for the conventions. I would definitely do the postcards templates and the cartoon frames. I had writing boxes at all of our family events. Gives the kids something creative and constructive to do. Not stealing- seriously this is my passion. My hopes and dreams are that the book is a useful guide for anyone working with kids.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 9:46 pm I’m also thinking that SF fan kids might have some really cool ideas for the maps one. (Well, most kids pretty much would, but it seems like another good one for fans in particular.) I really like these activities because they seem like such high ceiling/low floor activities that should work well with a really mixed group but still have more structure to them than just “here are some supplies, have fun” (which time also gets set aside for, but it’s good to have more structured activity times too).
Claire* July 20, 2019 at 4:47 pm *nnnnghgggg* To unpack that, I read, marked up, and edited the first third of this WIP. And I liked it! A lot! (One never knows at this stage.) I’m now plowing through the rest. Please send good thoughts in my direction.
Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus* July 20, 2019 at 7:30 pm I’ve made a quick sentence outline of the NaNoWriMo thing, but am letting it sit for now and will go back to it next week or so. I’m too much in the phase of “holy crap this is a hot steaming mess!!!!” to trust myself near it right now.
enneagram* July 20, 2019 at 9:11 am Who is into the enneagram? What type are you, and how has it helped you?
fhqwhgads* July 20, 2019 at 12:04 pm I wouldn’t say I’m “into” it but we did it at a work event. Everyone’s results were pretty obvious. It accurately described how each person fit into the team, but I wouldn’t say it “helped” anyone? It was more like “yup, that seems about right”. There was nothing actionable.
Agent J* July 20, 2019 at 1:23 pm I love enneagram! I’m a 4 wing 5 and it’d helped me a lot in my relationships. I was already pretty self-aware but I felt like the enneagram was spot on for me. I can avoid some of my more negative habits when it comes to uncomfortable/difficult situations and choose healthier behaviors. It helps me be a lot more present in my relationships as well, choosing how I respond to things vs. reacting without thinking.
Exhausted Educator is Exhausted* July 20, 2019 at 3:20 pm My close colleagues (at the time) and I did the Enneagram a number of years ago. I believe I came out as a 9 (Peacemaker). The process was part of a fraught work situation, and unfortunately, I can’t say that it helped. It was like, “Yup, we’ve got personality differences,” but the issues were far too complex for this info to be useful. I’ve also done the Strengths Finder (? not 100% sure about the name) in connection with work and found that much more informative in terms of things like how people prefer to communicate, how they respond to stress, how they respond to change, how much of a “drive to lead” they have, etc.
Parenthetically* July 21, 2019 at 4:06 pm ME. SO MUCH. I’m a 4w5 but I’m leaning more 5w4 as I get older. It’s been a great tool to help me set personal growth goals — and that’s actually what I like best about the enneagram, that it’s really growth oriented, encouraging you both to become the most functional version of your own type and to see and embrace the strengths of other types. It’s also helpful for me to see the types as tools in a toolbox — I pick up a couple of tools habitually, but I can and should learn to use the other tools in other situations. I think the enneagram has a lot of application for personal relationships but because it’s so much about motivations and inner processes, I really question its usefulness in a work context.
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 9:14 am Tipping question: I order groceries online and pick them up at the store (delivered to my vehicle). Their website says no tipping is necessary and I pay a fee. I don’t tip. Also, my hometown grocery store was definitely “baggers cannot accept tips”. But it seems like maybe people do tip at this chain. Would you tip the person bringing your groceries?
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 9:25 am Back when I was a kid, people (teens) would bag your groceries and wheel your cart out and help load the car. They were not tipped ( or maybe my mom just didn’t). I lean toward no. Otherwise, where does it end? I certainly never got a tip for unearthing the last, hard to find copy of whatever obscure novel the customer wanted when I was a bookseller.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 12:26 am Their website says no tipping is necessary Mine says they can’t accept tips. It’s not like restaurants. They receive wages, so, don’t tip.
T. Boone Pickens* July 20, 2019 at 10:09 am It’s a weird conundrum because I’ll tip a server for curbside service at a restaurant but I don’t tip at a grocery store even though it’s essentially the same thing. I think you’re fine not tipping unless it’s an extreme weather scenario that would warrant a couple bucks. For home based delivery I tip as my local chain does a great job of hitting my requested delivery time and they’ll help unpack the groceries and take the plastic bags with them if I request.
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 11:44 am I rarely do curbside but the couple times I did, first time I didn’t tip because I paid online and there was no option to add a tip to the c.c. slip. I did tip the next time because I was now aware of this process. This store (Kroger FWIW) uses so many plastic bags! Items can co-mingle, really!
fhqwhgads* July 20, 2019 at 12:32 pm I think the difference is that server may being getting paid based on the tipped minimum wage, but the grocery store person probably isn’t. So in one scenario it would be bad to not tip because restaurants are notorious for not following the law and making up the difference if tips don’t get someone to minimum. It’s a bad system we have in the US but it doesn’t change by not tipping people who are being paid with the assumption tips will make up most of their income. Whereas with the grocery stuff, those people are actually being paid for their work by their employer. So even if the action – bring stuff to car – is essentially the same thing, the situation is usually very different, hence different tipping practices.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 5:56 pm This varies by state, though, since lots of states have passed a wide variety of state minimum wage laws. In my state there is no lower “tipped minimum wage”, yet people still routinely tip in restaurants and such.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 20, 2019 at 10:47 am I wouldn’t, but then I am an Ask rather than Guess person, so when someone says no gifts/tips/etc., I believe them. T. Boone Pickens, I think tipping for restaurant curbside or even pickup makes sense, because usually it’s the servers doing that work, and they are almost definitely making a TIPPED minimum wage, and if nothing else preparing/delivering our order takes them away from their tables that do tip, so I feel they should be tipped for that. (Hosts, who are not subject to tipped minimum wage, and owners don’t need to be tipped, but for me I’ll do it anyway unless they turn it down.)
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 11:50 am That’s how I felt: said no tips so I didn’t (plus I am paying a fee each time I use this service). But the first time I ordered (in this city) the guy seemed to pause for a tip and then yesterday, the customer in the next vehicle pulled out a five(!) but I didn’t wait to see if it was accepted. My guy just finished and left.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 11:26 am I’m hugely divided, in that yes, I would tip for this, because I can and because the gig economy sucks. But I also *hate* tipping and its economic effects. Did anybody see the fascinating recent Politico article “The Racist History of Tipping”? I’ll append a link in followup.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 11:26 am https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2019/07/17/william-barber-tipping-racist-past-227361
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 11:50 am FWIW, I really am differentiating from external services like Peapod–if you order from most of my local supermarkets directly, delivery is still via Instacart. I suspect that’s going to be an increasingly popular model as it’s much cheaper for the store.
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 11:57 am I didn’t use online ordering in my last area because it was Insta-cart. (I don’t really like using gig services). And if they stop charging the fee and go to outsource, I guess I’m stuck doing it myself haha Hopefully, your article comes out of mod soon :)
Dan* July 20, 2019 at 1:38 pm Me either. I do use Uber/Lyft, but really, the whole “we’ll hire everybody as independent contractors, pay them peanuts, and hope customers tip them” business model feels really, really slimy and I don’t want to encourage it.
ThatGirl* July 20, 2019 at 1:09 pm Picking up at the store is usually store employees, IME. But delivery is gig through Instacart or what have you.
Dan* July 20, 2019 at 1:34 pm So the problem with this kind of thing in the US is that tipping is so culturally ingrained that some people *want* to tip everybody and everything, no matter what. So in this situation, it gets really hard with a “new” market/service because some people are going to tip no matter what is communicated. Take Uber for instance — when the app first launched, they very clearly advertised a cashless platform where “tips are included with the price.” Yeah… and uber would not have added a tipping feature to the app if customers didn’t ask for it. And it’s really, really f’ing hard to keep track of who “should” be tipped and who shouldn’t. I totally get the “tipped minimum wage” thing, but even that’s confusing now. “Gig economy” employees are often hired on contract basis, not hourly wage. So “tipped minimum wage” doesn’t apply to them. On top of that, some localities/states are doing away with the tipped minimum wage, so does that mean tips for those positions are no longer obligatory? For that matter, many new eateries are using “mobile” payment services as their primary system. (As in, people are using Square or a similar app at a brick and mortar counter service restaurant). Historically, we would not consider this type of position an “tipped” position, but square has helpfully added a tipping option into their software. Am I now obligated to tip just because an option has bee presented? If I were patronizing a service that said “no tipping”, I would not tip and I wouldn’t think twice about it. Pretty much, I only tip under two circumstances: I’m at a bar or restaurant, and the employee is making tipped minimum wage (even that’s hard to keep straight these days), or someone has delivered truly outstanding service. What I won’t do is tip at a place where I have to pay before any service was rendered (or it’s counter service where I have to walk up, order, and pay.) I do feel bad (somewhat anyway) for people who work in low wage jobs. But the economy is doing well right now, and people can get new jobs quite easily (I’m not saying the pay will be much better) but if these grocery delivery services and what not struggle to hold on to people and actually provide the service, they will be *forced* to pay their employees more. One of the grocery delivery services got into some PR trouble a few months ago, because they started guaranteeing a $10 minimum payment per delivery to the delivery person… but then if a customer tipped, they’d deduct the tip from the $10.
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 2:58 pm I tend to tip if I received personal service: hair cut, server (food or alcohol), shuttle driver/bellhop who carried my luggage. I usually don’t tip housekeeping at hotels contrary to what most people on here do. I’ve noticed the mobile/app payment options are becoming more common and like you said, now seems like we’re expected to tip because the option is made available.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 3:59 pm My special dislike is situations where an employee is handling the input and asks you if you want to leave a tip. (I suspect they don’t enjoy that much either.)
Bicycle Tour Bot* July 20, 2019 at 7:25 pm Yes we hate it. However, the booking software that my boss has chosen forces this. I solicit tips for my coworkers- they are fabulous tour guides and the experience the create for folks is worth way more than what the business pays them.
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 7:52 pm I expect to tip a tour guide (assuming good service). Like Dan, I wouldn’t tip the cashier for a walk up order at a restaurant.
Bicycle Tour Bot* July 20, 2019 at 7:27 pm Fortunately most people proactively ask to tip on their card or have planned ahead and brought cash for tipping since tipping guides is a well established practice
Not a cat* July 21, 2019 at 10:46 am Back in the early 90’s I managed a branch of a well-known homewares store. Many of our clients phoned-in their orders for pickup or came into the store, but had us load up their car. Many clients offered tips–I didn’t accept them but would give them to the person who loaded the car or loaded the order into the cars. (A manager was needed to unlock the backdoor and bring the product to curbside–but I didn’t think I should take a tip)
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 9:15 am I don’t usually see the weekend FFA thread, so I don’t know if this has come up recently or not. BUT! Do any of y’all play any tabletop RPGs? I recently reconnected with some folks I met online 15 years ago in a collaborative storytelling group, and we’re starting a game of D&D 5e this weekend over Roll20. Most of us have some familiarity with d20 tabletop systems, but we do have a total newb among us (every group has one at some point, I guess, right?) – I think the rolling-dice-and-doing-math part of the game will make more sense to him once we get started, because just describing gameplay mechanics in the abstract is boring even to me, and I love this stuff. I play 5e and Pathfinder; my usual group hasn’t met since about February for life reasons, so I’ve had a serious jones for some time. I’ve also been wanting to check out a Powered by the Apocalypse system – specifically Monster of the Week (yes, because of TAZ:Amnesty – I know we have a few McElroy fans here, looking at you EIGHT FOOT VERTICAL LEAP, I see you), but I know there’s a bunch of games based on the PbtA ruleset out there. It’s just so different from the d20 and d10 systems I’ve learned (we tried Exalted once or twice), and the novelty intrigues me. So, discussion questions: * Do you play any tabletop RPGs? (or, possibly more accurately: do you know any tabletop RPGs and wish you could play them more often?) What systems do you know/like/want to learn? * Tell me about your parties’ exploits! Favorite characters you or your friends have played? Wackiest shenanigans, dice betrayals, dice being bros and letting you do stupidly effective things?
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 10:00 am Ooo you should know never to ask a bunch of gamers to talk about their characters! We literally just wrapped up a year-long D&D campaign last Tuesday. I’m actually starting to really like 5e; it’s not quite as limiting as 4e was but it doesn’t seem to have the same level of downright broken you got with 3.5. Ended up wrapping up a big boss fight and then being immediately challenged by a side boss for possession of the major artifact – only got out of a very bad ending with an extremely well placed natural 20 (on my bard, with a +10 to deception, for a “oh I’ll definitely hand it over to you tomorrow once we’ve rested and regained all our spell slots and hit points, I just want to look at it first.”) Going to start a world of darkness campaign in a few weeks. I’ll be running it and I plan to start by haunting the PC’s until they do something. Be a different feel – the fun with ghosts in world of darkness is you can’t just go attack them, you have to figure out what’ll work.
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 10:44 am Oh, no, I love hearing about this kind of thing, haha :) A year! And a finished campaign! Your group deserves two trophies. Also, nicely done, bard. I’m not familiar with World of Darkness, is that a system or a setting or both?
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 10:57 am Both, really. The general theme is you’re in the real world, but all the nasty mythological monsters you hear about are real. It’s kind of a dark psychological horror thing. There’s a bunch of different gamelines. One of the best known is the vampire one where you play as vampires and there’s a ton of political intrigue. But I’m running a normal humans game where you basically throw a couple of regular people into a bunch of supernatural stuff. The initial encounter isn’t aiming for deadly, just creepy. They basically witness a historical murder by a supernatural being and end up being haunted. They will have to do some work to figure out what happened and what to do, since they won’t initially be able to interact with the ghost. (For bonus points, the ghost speaks french and a few native american languages, but not english. None of them speak french, so they’ll have to do some figuring.)
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 11:10 am Vampire: The Masquerade? I’ve done a little bit of that, wasn’t my jam – I’m not good at political intrigue, lol. Your concept sounds really interesting! Will this be a LARP, tabletop, virtual/roll20 setup?
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 11:24 am Virtual setup. Although it’s less map dependent than the D&D versions, so a lot can be done over voice. Vampire The Masquerade is one of the older versions of the game. They’ve definitely improved a lot since then. This one’s going to be a lot more survival based though. And the catch is, unlike D&D, you have to go about your normal life too. It’s in the background, but you all still have to pay for your food and housing and such. You’re not full time adventurers.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 11:21 am And I think the hardest part of gaming as adults is getting a group of 4-5 adults to all be reliably free on the same night!
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 11:37 am It so is. One set of my potential players is a triad with four kids among them. I was like “your adults are all invited. Whether that means you claim one seat for the family and take turns filling it, or get a babysitter, or whatever, you figure out what if anything will work for you and I can roll with it.” I was semi-joking that if they want to play a party that was cursed to share the same body or something, we can work with that too :) I go up to their house to run Starfinder for all three of them on occasion, because that makes the logistics easier on them, but big campaign games I prefer to run at my home.
Public Health Nerd* July 21, 2019 at 11:11 am Ok, that’s fantastic. Am in a long stalled D&D campaign with my nieces, and getting all the adults there is way harder than the kids. Totally going to steal the idea – maybe my bard has a mysterious sleeping illness or something so my travel schedule won’t interrupt the game.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 21, 2019 at 12:45 pm Shortly after Moulin Rouge came out, a game I was in with a player who was regularly falling asleep during the game channeled the Narcoleptic Argentinian and gave her character a sleeping sickness. If Player started sawing logs, someone picked up Character and stuck her in an enchanted bag of holding that the GM made up for us so we had an excuse for how we were carting her around. :)
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 12:13 pm Oh, for sure! Our night was approximately Saturday, but the group contained a couple of musicians, so sometimes it was Friday or Sunday or occasionally Monday to accommodate gigs, and some weeks we just couldn’t meet.
Lost in the Woods* July 21, 2019 at 7:07 pm Oh, lord. My group met in college, but we now live collectively in three different timezones. Coordinating is a nightmare. We’ve put our campaign on hold and we’re just playing oneshots with whoever can make it until the end of the summer (when hopefully we’ll go down to two timezones).
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 10:19 am I am getting ready next weekend to start a new Pathfinder campaign – running Giantslayer for my household and a couple friends. I took a six month break after finishing up Legacy of Fire, that was about four years all told for that one. At one point (shortly after Jurassic World came out) I figured out how I could play a druid with a T-Rex animal companion and a pack of four awakened fauxlociraptors, if I had a flexible enough GM. My housemate says he’d let me do it, but I’m the only one willing to GM these days, so I’m sitting on it. Heh. I’m in Indianapolis and GenCon is coming up here in a couple weeks, so that will be fun. I actually met my husband and housemate at Con umpteen years ago in a multi-sphere World of Darkness LARP. I’m curious about Pathfinder second ed, husband is vaguely curious about the new edition of Shadowrun, but doesn’t know anyone else who plays it right now so he might not bother picking up the materials. We’ll see.
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 10:48 am I played a druid with a velociraptor companion in a PF game once. Once he grew to Medium size and got a bite attack, RNGsus smiled upon me and he ate several enemies. And it was good. I want to go to a con, but most of them are so very far away and so very expensive. :( Someday!
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 11:44 am My last character when I got to actually play was a wee pack lord with a mess of critters and a propensity for raining bears on the bad guys. I need to stock up before next weekend. I play with chocolates for minis – you keep what you kill, and victory should be sweet. :)
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 2:02 pm Chocolates for minis, amazing! One of my players usually brings a bag of those little Dove squares, haha. We should have thought of that!
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 3:02 pm I started that right after Easter one year, I ended up with a huge pile of mini-sized chocolates of various flavors and I needed a table full of bad guys. “From the left tunnel comes six … uh … Reese’s cups, and from the right, four … Hershey kisses.” At one point I borrowed a Dove chocolate bunny from my housemate’s Easter basket for a really big dude. (He was the DPS, but I gave him a handful of minis too when they killed it :) ) Support characters get automatic one chocolate per five mobs on the table at the end of the fight. :)
Ktelzbeth* July 20, 2019 at 6:22 pm Several years ago, I brought chocolate covered dried cherries to a game and gradually started replacing the minis with them. It was a pack of something, so there were a lot that could be replaced without confusing what type of enemy was what. I got about halfway through before the DM noticed. Then we ate what we killed.
Canonical23* July 20, 2019 at 12:04 pm Yesssss! – I play 5e and Pathfinder. Played Vampire the Masquerade once and still have no idea how it actually works. Learned Pathfinder in college bc I’m friends with a bunch of grognards, then I learned 5e on my own and convinced them it was a good system for a slightly chiller game experience. I’d love to learn PbtA (Mcelboys are my favorites) because I have some other friends who are interested in TTRPGs but who have never played before and I think it sounds easier to explain/get into than any D&D fare. Roll20 is a godsend, I highly recommend buying the modules if you’re playing an AP and have the extra cash bc they have everything pre-prepped for you and as a busy DM, it’s extremely helpful. -Currently in 3 games. One is a weekly Pathfinder game that we edit and release as a podcast. One is a 5e game at my local game store. One is a 5e AP that I’m DM’ing. I also DM silly oneshots for the podcast people bc every few months someone can’t show up and our DM wants a break. Some of these oneshots include – a Shrek-based adventure, a skeleton war, and a mystery where every NPC was wearing a cowboy hat (turns out they were all controlled by rats a la Remy). -Best shenanigan I’ve ever pulled off was as a lizardfolk barbarian. Threw myself off the top of a 10 story building to tackle the evil sorcerer that was flying away. Rolled a natural 20, grabbed him in midair and tackled him to the ground, killing him instantly.
Zephy* July 20, 2019 at 12:37 pm I like the crunchiness of Pathfinder but I do agree that it’s a bit unwieldy – “slightly chiller” is a good way to describe 5e in comparison, lol :) I LOVE playing barbs. Favorite character I ever played was a half-orc barbarian who was basically powered by racial hatred for trolls. After a session in which I beefed almost EVERY roll, the DM granted her a magic item that basically resurrected her at a cost of -2 to her CHA score if she went down. She was reasonably charismatic for a barb – I think I had a 14? – so I was able to use the magic item a couple of times before she was just too ugly and feral to keep adventuring. So, I retired her, leaving her to exterminate every last troll in the mountain complex.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 2:15 pm The big danger I found with pathfinder is that its too easy to end up with wildly differing power levels between characters. To the point where it was really hard on me as the GM to design encounters that didn’t either leave some characters out, or leave others having to sit on their hands to not upstage everyone.
Canonical23* July 20, 2019 at 3:06 pm Yeah, I prefer 5e when it comes to players having very different expectations of what they want from the game. When a character does something off the wall in 5e, it almost always prompts a long “now how do you get those numbers?” conversation, whereas in PF, it’s kind of expected to break your character as much as you possibly can.
Ktelzbeth* July 20, 2019 at 5:33 pm Currently playing Pathfinder online. Using Roll20 for the gaming and Ventrilo for the communication. Busy killing gnolls as a half orc ranger specializing in two weapon fighting. This is a bit of a departure for me as I have tended to play dex-based clever characters, often of the short persuasion. It’s kind of fun just to whack at things.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 6:35 pm I used to have TTRPGs as my main hobby. I spent most of the mid-late 1990s and early 2000s playing GURPS, which is a levelless generic point-buy system. I would often be the one GMing, and we always used custom settings and campaigns so it was a lot of prep work. One I hit grad school, I was just too bogged down with school to spend that much mental energy on gaming, plus they updated the rules to a new edition, and I’ve just never gotten back into it again. (It did an excellent job of teaching me the skills I’d need to navigate a college course catalog, though! I credit spending middle and high school creating a bunch of characters using GURPS Magic and GURPS Grimoire as one of the reasons I wasn’t intimidated by figuring out all of the prerequisite chains and course options to graduate college on time while taking an interesting and balanced variety of classes each term.) I also used to play in the occasional AD&D game back in the 2nd edition days. 3rd edition came out while I was in college, and I played in a single one-shot that used it but I never picked up copies of the books myself. I was running GURPS when I was running games, and it seems like most other GMs were trying to branch out and run other systems rather than D&D at the time. I remember playing in at least one or two WoD games, a Feng Shui game, and I’m sure I’m forgetting most of the systems people used for short-term games. I know I bought a bunch of single-book specific-setting systems at the time, and so did everyone else, I just can’t remember which of them anybody actually ran. I’m finally in a place in my life where I own my own house, and one of the things I want to do after I get things a little more set up here (and my grandma stops having medical crises, unfortunately – I’ll have post with the latest on that up really late tonight when I have time to write it) is have a regular game night. I’m thinking about doing an OD&D open table set-up like Justin Alexander talked about in his blog a while back. The prep for that seems so much more manageable than the kind of prep I needed to do for my old GURPS campaigns, and seems like a good way to dip my toe back into running stuff again. Also, it would make it easier to deal with the fact that adults have lives and different people would be able to show up each week. Maybe I can get that going this winter. I’m also tempted to start offering to run Paranoia sessions at the local gaming con(s). That feels like a fun game to run at cons (speaking of less prep than an ongoing GURPS campaign), and I have the right kind of sense of humor to do well at that, I think. (I teach improv acting to teens in another part of my life, for example.) We’ll see.
German Girl* July 21, 2019 at 1:28 pm Systems I’ve tried: The dark eye, 4.1 edition – lovely if you like a really detailed game world and lots of complicated rules. You get a separate skill for almost everything and you get to advance your skills and spells individually, so lots of variety in the characters you can play – I think getting two characters with identical stats would be unlikely even if you collected all character sheets at a large con and magically reset them to starting level. The adventures you can buy vary greatly in quality, but you can usually salvage the not so great ones with less prep than you’d need to write your own story. DnD 3.5 and 5th edition – a bit simpler than the dark eye and my go-to system for playing with beginners, but also fun to play with our regular group. The adventures you can buy for 5th edition are decent or better, and you can get great campaigns out of them without too much prep work. Shadowrun 5th edition – we tried this with our regular group for a year or so. It’s pretty well balanced but imho some of the dystopian aspects are just a little too close to reality for comfort. I haven’t GMed this so can’t say much about the quality of the adventures. Paranoia – I love it for oneshots. Also playable with 1 or 2 absolute beginners in an experienced group. Call of Cthulhu – Another one that’s great for oneshots, but you can also play multiple sessions with the same characters and see who goes insane first. Currently playing DnD 5e and our rolls are getting more ridiculous by the session. We’ve had so many rolls of 1 or 20 recently that I’d go check the dice if they weren’t mine to begin with. Did anyone here watch Gamers? You can find it on YouTube I think. Really fun movie for all RPG enthusiasts. Anyway, it has this scene where the super strong barbarian tries to rip a gate of it’s hinges and rolls a 1 (ouch, backpain, gate doesn’t budge) and then the thief with no strength score to speak of gives it a try, rolls a 20 and tosses the gate aside easily. So for the last couple of sessions I got a sense of dejavu of this scene multiple times per evening, and it’s so much fun to play this out! Of course you need a group that embraces fumbles just as much as criticals as devices for fun storytelling.
Lost in the Woods* July 21, 2019 at 7:03 pm My group just finished a really fun yearlong campaign in Monster of the Week! It’s a really fun system, and it really lends itself to interesting gameplay because of the mixed success roll – you get to do it, *but* something’s going to get more complicated. We’ve also played in DnD 5e, which for some reason always seems to lean silly for us, and in a sci-fi system called Scum and Villainy. I really like Scum and Villainy conceptually but I’m having a hard time internalizing the ruleset, and I’m GMing so we spend a lot more time than I’d prefer looking things up. I also find the rulebook really hard to find things in, which is aggravating.
EddieSherbert* July 22, 2019 at 4:14 pm I primarily play Pathfinder but have also played D&D 5th edition. I play with a group of work friends (used to be a biweekly campaign, but our GM had a baby recently and obviously isn’t free often anymore!) and then with a small group of friends from college (my partner is the GM). I like Pathfinder more because it’s somewhat simplified. I honestly get really annoyed/frustrated when some of my “expert” friends get REALLY caught up in a small detail and then we have to stop everything to check the handbooks/website for 20 minutes to solve this tiny issue for them. One of my campaigns had a half-orc cleric who constantly tried to be protector/peacemaker/negotiator despite the fact that every random human who ran into us tried to kill him. That was both funny and very frustrating after awhile (my rogue’s prefered technique is to sneak up and just kill whatever person… he insisted on trying to talk to them all).
Angwyshaunce* July 20, 2019 at 9:19 am I’m thinking about starting a youtube channel (yeah, I know) using my expertise to both teach and entertain. I am actually normally against putting myself out there publicly on the net, but feel like there may be some benefits. I have the skills to be an inventor, and like making fun and silly projects – but rarely do since there’s usually no point (it’s way too much work just to entertain myself). I feel like sharing these adventures publicly would be highly motivating and fun. I have no interest in trying to be a youtube “star” (I generally hate attention), but teaching and entertaining seem like it would help drive my personal development. Has anyone considered (or even pursued) sharing their skills at large on the net? Or have any opinions on this venture?
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 1:15 pm Do lots of research before you launch. This will help you decide if you want to go for it. I hope you do. Best of Luck! I hope I see you there!
Angwyshaunce* July 20, 2019 at 7:53 pm Thank you so much! I’ve looked into many aspects, and have only been inspired thus far. Your advice is much appreciated!
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 1:50 pm Yes, I started a channel that has languished because I underestimated how much work I was making for myself in the editing phase. I had to completely revise my workflow and got derailed by it. Unless you just love video editing (or have someone who will do it for you), plan your shots and your script (or talking points) really thoroughly ahead of time. And a trick I learned along the way was to make a big sound and/or visual gesture when you mess up, so you can quickly find the things to cut out. It also helps if you have some standard clips you can re-use – a 5 second logo, a 2-3 second transition, and about 20 seconds for an “out-tro” that encourages subscribes and notifications. Having these on hand will help you cut things together quicker.
Angwyshaunce* July 20, 2019 at 8:01 pm This is great advice, thank you! As an over-thinker, I already have a notebook full of notes and planning (I think I plan things to death in order to avoid actually doing them, in general). So I have ideas already for an intro graphic, transition graphics, and the end-of-video graphics, as you suggested. I don’t have much experience (actually, none) of video editing, which is something I should explore before taking this on. It seems that might be just as difficult as creating content, when it comes to making an interesting video. Thank you for this.
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 10:14 pm There’s a free program called Shotcut that’s quite good for editing. It’s got enough complex features that it’s not very intuitive, but there are lots of tutorials online.
online teacher* July 20, 2019 at 6:54 pm I suggest that you think about audio carefully. If it’s not something you’ve dealt with before, you’re likely to end up with audio that’s hard to hear and a lot of background room noise. Using a mic other than just the one on your camera is pretty much a must. A little lapel mic is probably the easiest solution for most cases involving one person talking. Also, please caption your videos. I know it’s a lot of extra work, but not doing it excludes a lot of people from being able to watch your video. (The auto-captions provided by YouTube are not very good, particularly if the sound quality is non-optimal or if there are any technical terms or other domain-specific language involved.) This is particularly important if your video is educational in nature, since I can’t share it with my students as something to watch for school if it isn’t captioned and/or transcribed since some of them have accommodations for that, and I don’t have time to write transcripts for random YouTube videos myself so I’ll just look for a different video on that topic to share if the one I find first isn’t captioned properly.
Angwyshaunce* July 20, 2019 at 8:14 pm Okay, your mic suggestion is great – that’s something that irks me from the crafty videos I generally watch (“I can’t hear you! Don’t rely on the camera mic!”). Thank you for that! I haven’t thought about captioning, and that is a wonderful idea. Since I plan on heavily scripting my educational videos, creating captions should be fairly easy. Thank you so much for that suggestion, it is great!
Dr. Anonymous* July 21, 2019 at 4:00 am Consider the Craft industry Alliance as a resource—lots of small business crafters involved there, a lot of them with YouTube as part of their business plan.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 9:31 am I finally wrote up a no contact letter to my mother. Not quite yet ready to send it but I think I’m getting pretty close honestly. I’m getting tired of the constant pressure to be more and more involved when she refuses to even acknowledge that there could be anything wrong (as far as she’s concerned we have a great relationship except for these weird times where I randomly say mean and nasty things out of the blue). She’s also made threats to use false suicide reports against me, so I wanted to write something that was extremely clear that I was cutting contact with her, specifically, due to her behavior and not just writing some sort of “goodbye forever” letter due to a crisis.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 11:06 am Still really scary, especially with the aforementioned threats. I kind of know she’s not going to listen no matter what I say, so the point of the letter is more to undermine the inevitable attempt to get other people to help with her “mentally ill” daughter.
Luisa in Dallas* July 20, 2019 at 11:37 am Good for you on taking steps to break free from such a toxic person and realizing that you will be better off. (CaptainAwkward.com has some really good stuff on this subject, along with many, many comments that show that you are not alone in this situation.) Wish you the best!
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 12:07 pm The hardest part for me is figuring out how to deal with the aftermath. My mother is rather good at recruiting otherwise well-meaning people who take her framing of herself as a parent struggling with a mentally ill and treatment-resistant child at face value. I’m braced to expect a full blowout once I do send it – calling my workplace for information, calling the police to check up on me, possibly even trying to get my church or neighbors involved, anyone she can get to buy her story that she’s a concerned parent of a child who’s suddenly making wildly crazy accusations out of the blue and she just wants to help.
Auntie Social* July 20, 2019 at 12:14 pm Then you contact your work and church first. Tell them you have a Smother who appears to have upped her smothering. She tells police you’re a danger to self, otherwise they wont do a welfare check, etc.—so they have a taste of what go expect. And if she does contact anyone, add that to a supplemental declaration for court, for your restraining order. Maybe one of the contacted will do a declaration as well.
Auntie Social* July 20, 2019 at 12:16 pm Contactees, not contacted. Oh, and I had a mom like this. Even when she died I found she’d told people outrageous things. People I didn’t know came to scold me for not helping her financially (showed them my checkbook), etc. Terrible, pathological liar to the end.
That Girl From Quinn's House* July 20, 2019 at 2:29 pm Yes, I actually think it might be good to get guidance from law enforcement on how to best handle this before you send the no-contact letter. People have died from being SWATted; it needs to be taken seriously.
Kat in VA* July 21, 2019 at 5:31 am Captain Awkward refers to the folks who do someone’s dirty work for them as “flying monkeys” and oh, what a pain in the butt they can be.
Jessen* July 21, 2019 at 12:16 pm Oh yeah. The trouble is her script of “I’m a hurt, caring mother trying to deal with a mentally ill daughter” works on a lot of genuinely well-intentioned people. She says all the right words for the role. One of her big tricks is to turn anything I say into some sort of incoherent rant. So when she’s talking to others, the story is that she asked me for reasons and got some sort of wild screaming that she couldn’t make heads or tails of in return. That’s a lot of the reason for the letter. If I have something written and documented, it’s something I can point to and say, look, this is a calm and intelligible statement of the problem. She may claim none of that ever happened, but it’s not on me if she chooses to claim the problem doesn’t exist. (In fact that’s really the major issue I cited in the letter – her avoidance of boundaries by making it so that no matter what I do, I’m not presenting them to her in the right way and therefore she can’t possibly be expected to take them seriously.)
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 12:23 pm Use false suicide reports against you? Hmm. Filing false reports is a chargeable offense, I believe. Yeah, her behavior is totally unacceptable. And you won’t win with her. Ever. You’re planning on keeping a copy of the letter, right? If you think you may be in physical danger please loop in a trusted third party (hopefully not family) as to what you are working on right now. Don’t make yourself walk alone, you don’t have to walk alone with this.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 12:34 pm It’s technically a charge, but it’s hard to make it stick because they don’t want to scare people off who aren’t sure. And she won’t phrase it as a direct threat. She’ll phrase it as how I’ve had mental health problems before, and now suddenly I’m making crazy unbelievable accusations about things that obviously didn’t happen and telling her not to talk to me, and I’m refusing to tell her anything about what’s actually going on. So the only conclusion she can possibly come to is that I’m cutting ties in order to kill myself. It’s BS, but it’s the kind of BS where you can’t quite prove that she didn’t believe it well enough to hold up in court.
fhqwhgads* July 20, 2019 at 1:11 pm The problem is she’d probably never be charged because even if it were clearly false she could just claim it was a misunderstanding or based on genuine worry. So I don’t put much hope in filing false reports being a chargeable offense in this context.
Pippa* July 20, 2019 at 12:43 pm Consider being proactive where you are comfortable doing so – mention to HR that your mother has an unfortunate history of contacting your workplace (really that’s probably enough said because it’s so outside norms), give your neighbors and church folks a similar low key heads up. The focus is on your mother’s history of unusual behavior. Your people know you, they don’t know her but we all have odd relatives to one degree or another and will weigh what she says against what they know of you. If you are concerned about the police maybe meet with your doctor now and let her know of your mom’s threats to make a false suicide call on you and get your doctor’s advice on what to do proactively. Lean in to your support team and let them be there for you. Spend time with them. Let them know you are sending the letter and why (as much as you care to share). Do what you can to minimize the impact of her reaction but then move forward with what works best for you. You do you and do it well.
families!* July 20, 2019 at 12:46 pm I want to gently suggest that she may be pressuring you but you are giving into it, and to me, that is the part you can really control. You can send a letter but there is no way to guarantee she will follow it, it actually sounds from what you describe that she will not respect it. So whether or not you send the letter, how will you deal with her if she comes after you (or sends others) after you’ve sent it? perhaps the time before you send the letter can be used to practice setting boundaries on your end of the relationship and practicing not getting involved when she wants to enlist your involvement (and you know she will, it’s what she does). It is super super hard and I suggest working with a therapist because it is so hard, and will bring up lots of feelings. But it is doable. Sending you strength.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 2:26 pm The letter isn’t really for her. It’s a foundation for further action. Because she’s shown that she won’t respect boundaries no matter what I do, and at this point my boundaries don’t have any real teeth because I have no way to stop her from harassing me. Clear boundaries are completely insufficient with the kind of person she is, because there’s no boundary I can set on my end and on my own that will stop her from waiting outside my workplace. The point of a letter is that I have something to show to third parties that says that she was clearly informed that I don’t want to talk to her and that I have provided reasons which are not whatever conspiracy theory mess she’s ascribing to me. It’s also a necessary step if I ever have to get the law involved. Plus it should hopefully help diffuse a situation if she does try to claim she’s worried about me being suicidal – I’ll be able to show what I sent her and that it’s a clear statement that I am cutting contact with her, specifically, due to her poor behavior, and that it’s not some sort of “goodbye world” suicide note.
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 1:38 pm I doubt your mother will honor a no-contact letter unless you’re getting a court ORDER. Even then… Has a therapist or legal aid reviewed your letter and plan of action? Since she’s called your work, do you have HR or EAP to help you? You need more than just you on your team for this. There might be better actions to take, but if a no-contact letter is the best way, I’d have a lawyer/legal aid write it on their letterhead. They can help you avoid problems that non-legals might create for themselves. Hope this resolves in your favor.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 2:33 pm Yeah, unfortunately this is as much as anything a step along the way to a potential court order. I’m honestly kind of afraid to reach out too much for help. I’ve gotten smacked down so many times when I’ve tried. Even therapists and lawyers are often vulnerable to the “she’s family and she’s so worried” crap that she pulls. Therapy for me has been more of a traumatizing experience of reinforcing and reenacting abuse (with a good deal of LGBT bigotry thrown in) than any sort of healing or supportive experience, and at this point I’m not really willing to go back and hope the 9th or 10th therapist might actually help. Or deal with the whole “you must be approaching therapy wrong” or “you have to understand that therapy is hard” that I get when mentioning that it hasn’t freaking been a helpful experience at all, and I’m sick of therapists going straight to “you’re not trying” or “you must not want to get better” when things don’t go the way they’re supposed to. I’d be open to legal help, and one of the steps I’m doing before this is writing up power of attorney documents so she is in no way able to make decisions for me no matter what should happen. That said, I’m writing this somewhat also so she can’t spin it into a suicide note or evidence of my mental instability, at least not to any sort of outside party. That means putting in some clear reasoning as to why I don’t want contact, to help forestall her ascribing some sort of crazy beliefs to me.
I'm a Little Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 1:48 pm Do you reddit? There’s a sub that exists for situations and people like this: justnotalk. You are NOT alone, there are lots of people out there who have dealt with this kind of crap, and they are happy to share advice and experience. High level advice: Yes, send the crystal clear letter. If there are conditions in which you would have contact again, lay these out in blunt, specific terms. Let friends or other groups know that your mother may start doing nutty stuff (wording can be specific, vague, etc – whatever is needed/appropriate.) For sure let your work know, at least some generic basics. You don’t want them getting a crazy call with no context. Consider going in to talk to your local police dept and give them a heads up so they know she’s the problem. If she’s a church goer and might recruit flying monkeys from there, consider talking to the paster/head of the church person and let them know that you REALLY don’t appreciate it. They may be able to head a lot off at the pass. If you prefer to hold off, you can consider this later. Mute her on your phone. Set up an email rule to send emails to a specific folder. Consider if blocking her makes sense. Will add a 2nd comment with a couple websites that may help you.
I'm a Little Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 1:52 pm Hopefully my first comment shows up eventually (it appears to be eaten), but in case it doesn’t, possible resources: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html https://outofthefog.website/ reddit’s Justnotalk subreddit. – these people know exactly what you’re dealing with because they are dealing with it too.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 2:53 pm Oh goodness I love issendai’s site! The whole section on missing reasons is exactly my mother. Like I tried for so long to tell her what was going on, and she’ll literally only remember it as I “got mad at her and said a bunch of mean nasty things.” And then continue to complain how unfair it is when she doesn’t even know what she did wrong.
I'm a Little Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 5:06 pm Yep. There’s not much you can do aside from enforcing your boundaries. It sucks. Even with the letter, she won’t get it (or accept it, who knows), but if she tries to show the letter to anyone to get sympathy, what they’ll see is that she’s brought expected consequences down on herself. Hopefully she turns out to be trainable, because that’s probably your best chance long term unless she does some pretty extensive work on herself.
Jessen* July 20, 2019 at 7:10 pm Half the point of the letter is also that I can demonstrate to other people that I’ve clearly indicated to her that I don’t want contact. That’s the kind of thing you need if you have to get the law involved. Plus it just helps with people like HR or pastors at church, to be able to say that I’ve been 100% clear and she’s just continuing to harass me.
Reba* July 20, 2019 at 5:10 pm Oh I was coming here to recommend these sites! Jessen, I hope they help you have some idea of what to expect… and more importantly I hope that going NC or whatever you decide helps you feel better and lighter.
Lena Clare* July 21, 2019 at 4:32 am Meredith Miller on YouTube is fantastic on the topic of narcissistic parents. I recommended listening to her just to build up your self belief and resilience. Having a family member like this is exhausting, and they warp reality. As for the rest of it – I agree with the suggestions to first contact police for more advice, then contact your employees, neighbours, and church community to give them a heads up. Get people on your side. (They are anyway, but you and they need to actively know they are.) All the best.
Allergy Anony Mouse* July 20, 2019 at 9:45 am Hubs is celiac and T1 and now recently developed a casein allergy. Anyone in a similar boat? I’m a generally healthy eater and I bought him df/gf daiya cheese and coconut milk frozen yogurt but man, it seems like an allergy pile-on and I really, really miss mozzarella sticks :((( There’s no df frozen version or gf version, I’ve checked at WFoods. Plus yesterday at midnight with friends (nobody drinks—cultural plus friend had kidney stones) so we ended up at a froyo place where I thought they’d at least have sodas and sorbet. Nope. Hubs got cranky, stormed out to the bodega next door for soda and chips but returned in a calmer mood. How do folks deal?
Jean (just Jean)* July 20, 2019 at 9:58 am Speaking as someone with a restricted diet (multiple intolerances to common ingredients; a few hive-inducing allergies; numerous voluntary restrictions): It’s easier if I can control my diet by home cooking or packing food for work (snacks, lunch). I try to just accept it as a fact of my life. This has gotten easier over time as I develop coping skills (like learning which store-bought foods can be thrown together for a meal in 5 minutes. It helps to remind myself that by being disciplined I can avoid all the unpleasant, uncomfortable, and/or dangerous side effects of eating food that is Not Good For Me.
Jean (just Jean)* July 20, 2019 at 10:00 am But–sympathies! It stinks to have your diet brought to a screeching halt because some expert said “you can’t have X” even if it’s true. Could you eat items Not on His Menu by yourself–either at home or away?
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 10:07 am They deal by getting used to it. Type 1 here. On a more practical note: I miss spontaneity when it comes to eating ( and your poor hubs has it far worse). Whenever possible, know the menu before you go to avoid this kind of disappointment. And eat a mozzarella stick once in awhile ; )
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 12:39 pm I avoid gluten, dairy, sugar, and a couple other things. You are right about missing the spontaneity of eating. Very seldom do I find foods in stores or restaurants that I can eat and remain comfy. I grieved that for awhile. I think once I started reliably feeling better and participating in life the way I wanted, that helped me stay on track better. After decades of being on track my body will let me “cheat” once in a while but if I do it too much I hear about it. (I had dinner in a very dark restaurant. The salad had nuts on it can I could not see the nuts because it was so dark. Because I avoid nuts, I did not have too much problem with the salad. I am lucky in this regard.) Yeah, I got angry. But I also changed what I was doing. Eating out became less important. And I have watched other people’s struggles and I was grateful not to face what they are facing. I could be worse off. Planning what to eat for snacks is still a pain in my backside. I hate getting suddenly hungry while I am out. Through it all what surprised me was that following a diet does not always involve food. Sometimes it involves processing emotions such as that loss of spontaneity. Other times it involves practical matters such as guessing how many snacks to bring when I do not know how long I will be away from home. These types of guesses are a brain drain. Yeah, it’s a big adjustment. And there are way more crappy foods out there than good foods.
..Kat..* July 20, 2019 at 1:50 pm It sucks. I just always have some food I can safely enjoy in my purse. This is my problem, and I provide for myself. When I was first diagnosed, I had many frustrations and felt like storming out (as your husband did). It was a period of adjustment in which I mourned no longer being ‘normal’.
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 2:10 pm Having a very restrictive diet is hard. The frustration is chronic – food is almost always involved in socializing. So, carry foods with you that you can eat. Don’t discuss your diet if you have more than one simple restriction; it does not improve your mood and people won’t remember anyway. Don’t let people try to cook for you. Chances are high you’ll get sick or have to refuse their kindness. Just handle your diet yourself. This will preserve a lot of friendships. Best of Luck. Diet restrictions are tough.
Rainy* July 20, 2019 at 2:26 pm This is going to sound so cold, but you really just learn to deal. I have multiple food allergies, ranging from will actually kill me to will just make me long for the sweet release of death as I cling to the toilet seat. Don’t feel like you need to follow his diet–it’s okay for you to eat whatever, as long as you do it in a way that isn’t going to cause an allergic reaction for him. For example, my husband still eats shrimp sometimes, but only ever outside the house. Shrimp doesn’t enter our home, is not stored in our fridge or freezer, and is NEVER put in our food storage containers. He also brushes his teeth as soon post-shrimp as possible and doesn’t kiss me or touch me with shrimpy hands until after he’s washed his hands and face and waited for some time to pass. The most important thing is to just decide for yourself that you are going to take responsibility for your allergies, do your research, read labels (I read labels constantly), and try not to make it other people’s problem. I was at a conference last month with some coworkers and they wanted to go out to dinner and chose a restaurant but I didn’t have a chance to look at the menu first. I wound up having a sangria. The booze was the only thing on the menu I could have. I thieved a few corn chips from a colleague (with her encouragement) and then grabbed something from the (incredibly overpriced) convenience shop in the basement of the hotel later that night. That usually doesn’t happen–I can almost always find SOMETHING to eat–but when I googled at the table for the unfamiliar ingredients they were basically all death to me. Oh, and that’s the other thing. His smartphone is his new best friend. Google everything that looks unfamiliar and make sure it’s not an allergy trigger. I’ve been living with food allergies my entire life, but when a new one crops up, as they do sometimes, it can sometimes still be a shock. It’s boring sometimes to have to be so vigilant, but when the choices are vigilance or severe reaction, well–vigilance seems pretty okay. :)
Good luck with that* July 20, 2019 at 4:40 pm I’m not clear if you’re asking how the people with food restrictions cope, or how their SOs cope. Seems as though most of the responses are aimed at your husband learning to deal with his food restrictions himself. That may not be what you’re asking, though. If you’re doing all the grocery shopping, menu planning and food preparation, maybe you need to get him more involved, at least in the planning. One, this is *his* medical problem, and he should be responsible for his own medical treatment. If he eats something he ought not, that is his own choice. Two, if he makes you be his food police, he will come to blame you for what he can’t have. Three, he needs to know how much extra work this is, and it shouldn’t be all your responsibility. Following his diet may not be good for you, quite apart from missing mozzarella sticks. Is he supposed to be doing low carb for the T1? What will high fat do to your lipids? If he gives up dairy, how will you get enough calcium to avoid osteoporosis? “In sickness and in health” doesn’t mean killing yourself for his sake. An example: a pair of my neighbors had conflicting dietary needs. One was anemic, and ordered to eat more red meat. (Vegetable sources can only do so much. At any rate, that was what the doctor & nutritionist ordered.) The other had high cholesterol, and was ordered to avoid red meat (among other things). They basically cooked two main courses every evening. E cooked beef or pork, while S cooked fish or chicken, and they shared the side dishes. Neither one had to carry the whole burden of the other one’s dietary needs. Of course, cross contamination is more of an issue for gluten than lamb chops, but the same general principle applies. You’re not his nurse; you’re not his servant; this is *his* problem with which you want to be sympathetic and helpful, not take total responsibility.
Rainy* July 21, 2019 at 1:10 pm Seems as though most of the responses are aimed at your husband learning to deal with his food restrictions himself. That may not be what you’re asking, though…this is *his* medical problem, and he should be responsible for his own medical treatment. Yes. This is his problem, and he needs to learn to manage it for himself. He needs to be proactive. Not only because he’s a grown-ass adult who should be managing his own life, but also because no one else can really plan for how food makes him feel. He has to do the heavy lifting on this. He has to actively participate in meal planning, in cooking, in researching and recipe hunting. If he has a problem with that, well, too bad. It’s just how it has to be.
spiralingsnails* July 20, 2019 at 5:22 pm My family has a combination of Celiac plus egg & dairy allergies. How we deal: 1. Sometimes life just really sucks. It does. And I empathize with my kids that it’s okay to be honest about feeling sad or angry or jealous. But that we also have to move on from that moment, accept that what is IS, and try to be grateful for what we DO still have. 2. Plan to bring your own food everywhere, to every event. And keep a snack stash in the car/purse/backpack. Research restaurants before showing up because walking out empty-handed is crushing. Trust nothing, verify everything, and double-check again. 3. In general we’ve found that trying to develop new tastes is easier than trying to get an exact GF/DF substitute. Asian & authentic Mexican foods are often naturally safe because they’re already based around rice & corn; the only change you have to make is a GF soy sauce. Savory meats are a good base for meals too, like really good grilled steaks and savory roasted chicken, with just veggies on the side.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 7:40 pm I have a lot of food allergies, and I eventually just accepted that I can’t go new places to eat when I’m hungry. If I’m trying a new place, I eat before I go. When I get there, I will then read the menu for future research, order something and plan to take half home if there is an entree I can eat safely, and just get a drink and/or small side/app if that’s all I can have. Sometimes I just drink water if I’m really out of luck but with a group, but since I can have coffee I can usually at least get that and for some reason it’s the most socially acceptable beverage to have without food so that’s my fallback plan. When I’m hungry I just don’t have the coping skills for elaborate negotiation, disappointment, and patience, so it’s setting myself up for failure to try a new place under those conditions. (There is a brand of prepacked snack bar that is safe for me, so I keep them stashed various places in my car and bag so I can eat one before going into a restaurant if all else fails and I’m going to have to try someplace new on an empty stomach. I also know mostly-ok things to order at several fast food restaurants so I can stop by a drive-thru on the way someplace if that makes sense.) I also have “scripts” for what will almost certainly be safe to order for various genres of restaurants, so I can come in with a backup plan that will probably work and doesn’t require me to problem-solve from scratch if their menu doesn’t list things I can eat. My issues are different than your husband’s so my specific scripts won’t work for him, but as he gets used to managing his diet he’ll start to notice which foods certain restaurants have on hand by type of restaurant and start being able to figure out what to ask for. For one specific example that works for me and definitely not for him, I can eat a grilled cheese sandwich as long as I don’t do it too many days in a row (I’m soy sensitive, so I have to be careful, but I can do it a day or two in a row before it catches up with me). Pretty much any diner-type restaurant or bar with a flat top will make you a grilled cheese sandwich if you ask nicely even if it’s not on the menu (I just look to see if they have other, more complicated cooked sandwiches – if so, I figure it’s a reasonable request). I just tell them “I’m a vegetarian and I have a lot of food allergies and sensitivities. I’ve looked at your menu and I’m having trouble ordering off of it. Would it be possible to just get a grilled cheese sandwich?” They are almost always happy to do this, because it’s something their cook knows how to make and already has the ingredients handy for. (Sometimes it’s even on the separate kids menu. I kind of delight in ordering something off the kids menu with a beer.) I have scripts like this that I’ve developed for several genres of food, which makes it easier to try new places in those genres since I’m coming in with a backup plan if there isn’t anything on the menu for me. My issues are so opposite of your husband’s that none of my scripts will be likely to work for him (dairy is my very safest food), but he’ll eventually figure out his own scripts with time. The first few months to a year are really rough. I echo the other people who say it’s usually easier to find new favorites rather than try to find DF/GF versions of existing foods. For example, I don’t eat fake vegetarian bacon (which is probably full of soy anyway). When I want something fatty, salty, and with a “squishy crunch” to it, I grill asparagus with olive oil and salt. It’s definitely not bacon, it’s not really trying to pretend to be bacon, but it hits the fat, salt, squish, and smoke notes of bacon while being its own thing. (As a bonus, my meat-eating friends and relatives will also happily eat it as a side dish.) For DF/GF foods at home, I assume you’re already familiar with Ian’s frozen foods line? They have a decent range of frozen GF breaded meats, but apparently no mock cheese sticks (I just checked). They’re one of the main brands I think of for “meat ok, but no dairy or gluten” (as opposed to vegan stuff) so I assume you’re also pretty familiar with them right now. I used to buy their stuff a lot back when I ate meat because they also offer soy-free stuff. Eventually, you two will get used to just “eating on different tracks”, but I get that it’s rough to start with. One thing to try for home meals is to alternate nights he can eat with nights he can’t but can eat the previous night’s leftovers instead. (Obviously, the exact frequency here is open to discussion between the two of you.) If you can reasonably eat some of the foods that he’s missing the most without him there for a while (for example, on your lunch break at work), that would be a kindness during the initial adjustment period although not something you should have to keep up long term.
Aly_b* July 20, 2019 at 10:29 pm So much this with don’t go anywhere new when hungry. I just don’t have the capacity to deal with the uncertainty and negotiation (unless it is tacos, I can always eat tacos.) And yes, I always have some food stashed somewhere, as other commenters have suggested. The other key for me is that some of that food stash is not just crummy backup that I’m bummed about, but some dark chocolate or something that I’m stoked to finally have an excuse to eat.
Quandong* July 20, 2019 at 9:08 pm Dealing with one specific part of this – eating out with friends – I’ve learned to bring snacks with me wherever I go. Being hangry while also reading the fine print on menus or asking the chef if they can make substitutions in food is a sure way to have an unhappy experience. I do a lot of menu-checking online but there are always going to be places that don’t post their menu. It takes time and practice to find what works but unless all your friends are extremely rigid and unwilling to go to other places, it ought to be possible to find a bunch of ‘safe’ places to eat out together.
Christy* July 21, 2019 at 9:01 am I don’t eat starches, sugar, or soy, per doctor’s orders. My wife is the one who cooks and doesn’t have any of these restrictions. She’ll make compliant meals, but she’ll also keep bread and real ice cream in the house for herself when we’re not eating the same thing. When we go out to eat, she’ll get whatever and I’ll probably get chicken wings. Oh, and I’m openly incredibly grateful to her and I try not to make my diet her emotional problem as well as logistical problem. I’m never resentful *of her* that she’s eating a burger. My advice to you would be, eat the mozzarella sticks!! Don’t be a jerk about it, but you are not the unlucky one stuck with a limited diet. I used to ask my wife to eat food I missed in another room but now I’m fine with it in the same place. And 97% of things I think I’d be fine with. (I don’t think I could watch her eat pizza or a sushi roll.) And for going out, I always bring snacks. It sounds like your husband is still frustrated with having to make the change. It’s taken time for me to be at peace with my dietary restrictions. What helps me with mine is: having a list of going-out places I can go or dishes I can eat without worry (poke without rice, chicken wings, meat+salad), having set snacks that I keep in stock at home, not eating sad substitutes as part of my meals (no cauliflower rice, for example), keeping substitutes for snacks (Keto ice cream and sugar free chocolate, both of which I enjoy now), buying luxury snacks like prosciutto (which feels like a real treat).
Science of working* July 20, 2019 at 9:47 am Do you know of any mystical places in the United States? I am working on some fiction writing ideas and I would like to include some real places that have a mystical element. I’m mostly interested in natural places versus man-made. An example would be Sedona Arizona that is reputed to be on ley lines. Do you know places with legends attached to them? Or really unique geographic features? Or something else odd and interesting? Thanks in advance for your help!
PB* July 20, 2019 at 9:59 am The Devil’s Tramping Ground in NC comes right to mind. You can Google it for more info, but in essence, it’s a circle of land where grass doesn’t grow. The legend is that it’s a portal Satan uses to move between hell and earth.
CoffeeOnMyMind* July 20, 2019 at 5:27 pm +1 to the Devil’s Tramping Ground. Hey Another spot in NC are the ghost lights in the Great Smoky Mountains, and the blue ghost fireflies in Henderson, NC. The fireflies are real – they appear for only 1 month of the year, glow instead of flash, and they’re blue.
Overeducated* July 20, 2019 at 10:11 am Purgatory Chasm in RI! I don’t know of a mythic connection but the name and landscape are awesome.
Science of working* July 20, 2019 at 5:23 pm Definitely seems like there should be a legend surrounding that one. Thanks!
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 10:40 am There used to be a spot on the SUNY New Paltz campus known to be a strong energy nexus by the local pagan group. Unfortunately it wouldn’t surprise me if they built a dorm on top of it by now… If you have a witchcraft/pagan shop near you that might be a good place to ask for more ideas.
Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue* July 20, 2019 at 11:24 am There was an episode set there in the TV show, The Glades, a S Florida cop show.
Science of working* July 20, 2019 at 5:24 pm The pagan shop is a good thought. I’ve had more trouble finding this kind of information online than I expected.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 12:48 pm Old battlefields, particularly from the Revolution or Civil Wars. These areas often have people claiming they feel an energy there. One battlefield near me has some stories. Some people say that at dusk or early morning you can still see the Colonists fighting the British. I have been in very old churches and felt things myself. So you might want to check out the oldest churches around you. Large rocks are also good for mystical stories. I think it was PA? Right along the highway I remember seeing markers saying they found drawings from centuries ago in the rocks.
foolofgrace* July 20, 2019 at 5:43 pm I heard once of an American Stonehenge, I believe it was in the Northeast somewhere.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 7:43 pm There’s one in Washington State, but it was built in the 20th century as a replica.
Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus* July 20, 2019 at 7:16 pm The Jersey Devil is reputed to haunt the New Jersey Pine Barrens. I grew up in Hawaii, and I can recommend Ka”ena Point, supposedly where the dead enter the afterlife. https://the-line-up.com/kaena-point-hawaiis-leaping-point-to-the-spirit-world I also vaguely recall hearing that the State Capitol (or Legislature) building is built on top of a portal to the afterlife, and that this is why there are ghost sightings there from time to time, but I haven’t been able to locate this source. I remember it was in the Honolulu Star-Advertiser, though. Night Marchers are another really interesting phenomenon in Hawaii. I’m not sure if they’re tied to a certain place, but IIRC there are places that have seen multiple Marcher trains.
Surrogate Tongue Pop* July 20, 2019 at 9:04 pm Cassadega, FL. Apparently the psychic capital of the world.
Cruciatus* July 20, 2019 at 10:08 pm This probably won’t help and is likely more on the man-made side of things, but there’s Lily Dale, NY. It’s this unassuming spiritual community situated on a lake maybe an hour south of Buffalo. Apparently Supernatural used Lily Dale for an episode once. I don’t know if the place itself is “mystical” in any way or if it was just a nice place for mediums and psychics and others to live and thus a community was born. They offer classes and workshops and (well, at least locally) is quite a popular tourist destination–even just for a nice day out. Like I said, likely not helpful but figured I’d mention it just in case!
Science of working* July 21, 2019 at 6:44 pm This is a great suggestion, because it could easily be reasoned that they were drawn to the area. I think a read a novel set here, but I did not know it was real.
NewReadingGlasses* July 21, 2019 at 1:46 pm Take a look at “The Vortex” and the Neskowin Ghost Forest, both in Oregon. They are natural phenomena, but odd, and stories collect about them.
MostCake* July 21, 2019 at 2:09 pm Look up the Marfa Lights in Texas. I once made a special trip there to experience them, but sadly they did not appear for me. It was a cool place though and I enjoyed spending a couple of days there. Nearby there was an old military fort and also nearby was a sky observatory and at night you could look in the telescopes for free. … sorry! I was reminiscing. Anyways, the Marfa Lights are attributed to all sorts of possible causes from ghosts to UFOs.
fluffy* July 21, 2019 at 3:30 pm Sica Hollow State Park in South Dakota. Avoided by the Dakota for years as an evil place. First visit there, I got a badly sprained ankle. Coincidence?
Red Sky* July 20, 2019 at 10:00 am Does anyone have an Acorns account? From what I understand it’s a micro-investing service with very low fees ($1-$3 month) that allows you to round up when making purchases with your debit/credit cards and using that change to invest. I like the idea and want to give it a try, but wanted to see if there’s anything I’m missing, either positive or negative, as I’m not very educated or savvy at all about these types of investments/services.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 10:08 am I have been using Acorns for a few years now. I mostly set it and forget it – I have the app on my phone, but I almost never look at it. It’s not going to be any sort of replacement for my retirement account or anything, but in general I regard it as sort of a last ditch emergency savings account? The balance is generally trending upward, the app shows that the current balance is higher than just my deposits (which means, presumably, that I’m still in the black), and that’s about all I want from it right now.
T. Boone Pickens* July 20, 2019 at 10:21 am I don’t love Acorns for a new investor because I feel their fees are disproportionately high compared to other micro investing platforms. My recommendation would be to start up a high yield savings account until you get $500 and then look at Betterment which charges a fraction of the fees Acorns does. There is quite a bit of literature that reviews all the platforms so you’ll be able to check everything out and see what makes the most sense for you.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 20, 2019 at 10:51 am Agreed…although I want people to use it if they feel they wouldn’t save otherwise, I would really prefer to see people look at one week’s purchases, average out their change to, say, $5, and then just set up an automatic transfer of $5 a week to a savings/investment account. IMO there’s no reason to pay someone else to do that, but I have to admit that if it’s the only way people can realistically get themselves to save, it’s better than nothing. Maybe those who use it should do it for X months, and then once you know you can do it, look at how much you averaged per week and set up an automatic transfer for that amount?
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 12:27 pm Or if the appeal is actually the round-ups, and not so much specifically the investing — I also use Qapital, which does roundups and transfers to a savings account (not investment account) based on both transactions and goals. I’m currently doing a 52 week challenge that automates a transfer of $1 in week 1, $2 in week 2 and so on. Every time I spend money at a particular website, $2 extra gets transferred to my goal account. Every day that my step tracker says I walked two miles, $1 gets transferred. You can make up a variety of automated rules. And yeah, I could do all of that myself – I do have a variety of automated savings transfers that are per payday or monthly, but those are all larger. I find that an automated way of nickel-and-diming myself throughout the month is a more reliable way of skimming the extra off for me. Qapital doesn’t charge any fees, and they do pay (minimal) interest, so there’s that.
T. Boone Pickens* July 20, 2019 at 3:54 pm Yup definitely agree that saving something is better than nothing.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 12:22 pm That said, if you have and use a .edu email address, Acorns doesn’t charge any fee until your account is over $5k. (I did, for quite a while – by the time I stopped using my .edu earlier this year, my account was at a level where Betterment’s fee schedule would only have saved me less than $3 a year vs the $1/month Acorns charges.) When I was with BOA for my banking many many moons ago, I used their Keep the Change feature that rounded up and rolled the spare change into a savings account – it was about the only thing I missed about BOA when I left them behind :-P
Justin* July 20, 2019 at 10:06 am Removed per the “no school” rule at the top of the post. You’re welcome to post this in a work open thread (Fridays) though!
Justin* July 20, 2019 at 10:38 am Yeah, it does say “no work and no school,” but I thought that might have been a turn of phrase, since talking about school feels weird on the work thread.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 10:42 am There’s just more work discussion everywhere so it feels like an outlier, but Alison has generally wanted the school stuff in the Friday thread too. Even if the problem is that it’s not enough like work :-).
where did the party go* July 20, 2019 at 10:16 am I have remained nominally friends with my last few exes and I’m starting to wonder if that’s a good idea. Unlike my first few (abusive alcoholic) relationships my two most recent Serious exes are lovely people and great friends and we’re all moving on and up with our lives etc etc. But it’s also deeply hurtful to see things like, ah, these days my ex-boyfriend takes out the trash the first time his now-girlfriend asks him, whereas if I asked him to take over dishes or trash for a night it would sit three days and then I’d get fed up and do it myself. My ex-fiance, who I didn’t see for a year after our engagement because she was always traveling for work, has finally picked a city to put down roots in, but in all our serious “how do we handle this once we get married” talks she’d never commit to living anywhere long term or even offer suggestions. I know it’s about whatever is going on with them internally and I’m not even a factor in their thoughts but I can’t help wondering why I wasn’t good enough to make those efforts or changes for.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 10:35 am I think you’ve called it–this is not doing good things for you. You can intellectually understand that people are at different mental places but that’s very different from watching it happen in front of you. I’d take a break from them that may or may not be permanent.
Ainomiaka* July 20, 2019 at 10:37 am I’ve actually heard that this is more “you did the good work of setting the bar for being a human in a relationship, but someone else gets the reward.” Which sucks for sure. If it bugs you I would say take steps back from being able to see. That’s about all you can do. You can reevaluate how close you want to he later.
Spooooon!!* July 20, 2019 at 11:19 am Sometimes people will do things they wouldn’t do when they were with you not because of you at all, but simply because they are now in a different frame of mind. The settling down one seems that could be the case. But also- and I don’t mean to sound harsh- sometimes it’s just about being with the right person. All relationships take work, even the best ones. But if you are with the right person, it usually isn’t a huge struggle to get your goals, dreams, etc. aligned. I agree with the others commentators that taking a step back from them would be a good idea, and instead focus on things that make you happy.
Dan* July 20, 2019 at 12:49 pm May I ask, have you really “let go” of your past relationships? Some people place a strong emphasis on “being friends with ex’s”, and I’ve never understood why. (By that, I mean they strive to an unreasonable extent to do that, even if it’s unhealthy.) I had an ex tell me that as we were splitting up that she was “always friends with ex’s”. I told her in so many words that not with me she’s not. It didn’t go over well, and she tried to remain in contact even when I told her not to. Anyway, I ask about the letting go part, because the people in my life that have been broken up with (doesn’t matter who did the breaking up), I don’t care what they do. In fact, I can only really hope they got their shit together enough to be decent partners/earth inhabitants (as the case may be.) As for why they couldn’t do “X” while they were with you… that answer’s simple: Something about the relationship wasn’t right for them at the time. It could be them, you, the relationship, whatever, but there was something about it that wasn’t working. The truth is? The actual reasons don’t even matter.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 1:01 pm The guy knew he had to take out the trash or he would lose her, also. sigh. Don’t blame yourself for things that can be attributed to timing/maturing. Secondly, take a look at how much you have changed. If you are honest you can probably find similar things about the differences in You Now vs. You Then. I have mentioned a male friend of mine a few times. He’s been married twice. I have been widowed. We are happy as friends as we have discovered that we place a high value on our own homes. A while ago, we were driving and I asked him, “Please pass my handbag from the back seat.” He was floored. He said he had never been asked politely like that before. Today, I was fixing some food for us and he actually apologized for not getting the place settings on the table. My turn to be floored. If we are doing life correctly we are constantly learning and constantly growing ourselves. It could be that your ex is saying, “I was a damn fool about the garbage and I have learned my lesson.” Our prior relationships can/do teach us.
Dan* July 20, 2019 at 2:02 pm Hard to say about whether a lesson got learned or not. Early on in a relationship, people are putting their best foot forward to make a good impression. I think there is also an element of taking each other for granted that may be at play in marriage/cohabbing relationship. When you’re “just friends” living in separate households, the minute things stop working for either party, anybody is free to pull the plug/stop returning calls. I actually feel sorry for people in a legal marriage that isn’t working, but it’s too expensive to spit up. That sounds like hell.
TechWorker* July 20, 2019 at 3:59 pm +1 on the maturity thing – tbh both of your examples sound like your exes just grew up a bit and therefore have changed priorities. That’s absolutely no reflection on you!
..Kat..* July 20, 2019 at 1:57 pm The reality is probably that your exes are better people because of you! They learned from their relationship with you and are now better partners in their new relationships. Thank you to all the people who helped make my husband the wonderful partner that he is for me today!
Rainy* July 20, 2019 at 2:31 pm If you aren’t getting anything out of it, stop. Or block them on social media so you don’t see these updates. Or both. :) The thing about someone changing who they are in a relationship is that it almost never happens in the relationship where there was an issue. A lot of people only take a complaint about how they show up to romantic partners seriously once there are real consequences. My husband is quite open about the fact that there were some really negative patterns in how he behaved in romantic relationships when he was younger that he was only able to change because he experienced real consequences. You don’t have to be friends with someone just because you dated once. You can if you want to, but if you’re getting nothing out of the friendship, don’t.
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 2:41 pm People grow up. Maybe part of what made these relationships not work is that the other person was too immature to give you the kind of relationship you wanted. Or maybe the lack of effort was just a symptom of the other things in the relationship that weren’t working. I mean, you’re exes for multiple reasons, right? These exes aren’t acting more mature because you weren’t “good enough” to be mature for. They changed. The way you’re internalizing this behavior makes me wonder if you’re done working through the aftermath of those abusive relationships. I mean, you know that you didn’t “deserve” to be abused, right? Maybe that damage to your self-esteem still has some healing to do. I think you may be right that maintaining these friendships right now isn’t a great idea. It would probably do you some good to get enough distance that you aren’t seeing the minutae of their lives (like how quickly they take the trash out). You can be generally friendly with people without being that close. Take care.
Washed Out Data Analyst* July 20, 2019 at 8:41 pm It’s possible you leaving them taught them the lesson for their next relationships. It’s not that you “weren’t worth it”, but rather you WERE worth it and they realized what they lost too late. You will find someone who is already an adult by the time they meet you.
lambda fan* July 20, 2019 at 10:16 am Wow I’m reading A Study in Honor but reader Claire and it’s fantastic!! I can hardly put it down. Can’t wait to see how it ends!
Claire* July 20, 2019 at 4:53 pm OMG! I almost missed this. Thank you so much. This means so much to me. Seriously. *weepy hugs*
families!* July 20, 2019 at 10:22 am Any tips on what to bring up to a new doctor? My doctor of 10+ years has moved and I am seeing a new doctor this week. In particular I am worried that new doc will focus on my weight exclusively which is really not useful to me.
LinG* July 20, 2019 at 10:43 am You can tell them that. I wouldn’t lead with it, but if your doc beings it up you are allowed to tell them that a) you know b) you are not asking for education or intervention related to weight c) you’d prefer to focus on the other aspects of your health. A good doctor will bring it up, but will also respect your boundaries. If they respond poorly or bring it up in an insensitive manner in the first place you know what kind of doctor they are, and they might not be the doctor for you.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 12:29 am I think it’s Captain Awkward who wrote a letter she gives to new doctors and waits for them to read it before they get into the visit.
Cheesesteak in Paradise* July 20, 2019 at 11:39 am Bring up what you want to address on the visit right away. Right after the hellos. For instance, you could say: “Hello Dr. Smith, nice to meet you. I’m hoping to focus this visit on two issues I’m having: my plantar fasciitis and the kidney function numbers I was following with my old doctor.” (Insert whatever your concerns are. I would say a max of 3 is good for an annual visit.) Doctors are humans and unfortunately if you just sit there passively, they tend to start with whatever pops into their minds first (which could be weight). But they also want to help you so just take control and say what you want to talk about immediately.
Dr. Anonymous* July 20, 2019 at 1:34 pm Tell them what your top 3 issues are for the day, and DO lead with that. Doctors do need to plan how to spend their time on the visit and having your agenda helps them plan theirs and the two of you can then agree on the final agenda of what you’ll cover in the time you have. Specifically say you don’t want to talk about your weight on this visit or you want it to be the LAST issue you cover. If you’re open to talking about minimizing other factors that can affect your eventual risk of heart attack or stroke like sleep and exercise, say so. BMI gets my attention because it’s a risk factor I’m supposed to consider, but I do know that people know what they weigh and they’ve pretty much all heard of vegetables. And some people do All the Things and aren’t ever going to hit the magic number that theoretically puts them in a lower risk category. So I try to make Doing the Things a focus because exercise, etc. does generally improve health even if no one ever gives you a prize for the number on the scale. Because honestly, we’re all dying. I just want us all to die in the healthiest way, with the minimum of miserable things like strokes and diabetes complications, and the maximum ability to enjoy life, and I do know that fussing at people about their weight doesn’t accomplish any of that. You can’t nag somebody thin and it’s kind of weird to want to.
That Girl From Quinn's House* July 20, 2019 at 2:35 pm When I went for my new patient physical after moving, there was a very strict list of questions the doctor was allowed to ask me in order for it to be billed as a physical. I was able to ask for some referrals to specialists and renewals of prescriptions, but if I asked a question that was outside the billing code she’d tell me she wasn’t allowed to discuss it unless I made another appointment.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 2:37 pm Yes, unfortunately I think that’s pretty common–alternatively it will get billed as a consultation and not a physical.
Dr. Anonymous* July 20, 2019 at 3:59 pm I can generally discuss medical history as part of a physical and address the status of chronic medical conditions, but if I prescribe new meds or place a referral, I definitely have to add the consultation fee, though I usually bill it as one level down from what it would be. It’s not MORE expensive than making a separate visit, so in my practice, if we can fit it into the appointment time, we go ahead and do it because why make you drive and park and check in and get weighed and say why you’re here twice? Then your insurance company pays for the physical and ALSO the “E&M”.
Quandong* July 20, 2019 at 10:53 pm If you haven’t already done this, consider getting your medical file and records sent to the new doctor from your old doctor. (I don’t live in the US, so am not sure what process you need to follow. Where I am, the patient must request the file transfer). Make a list of concerns you have (if any). Take a list of medications you are currently using (if any) including the dosage and the frequency. If you need prescriptions, double-check they are correct before leaving the doctor’s office – it’s so annoying to get to a pharmacy only to find an error. If you want to start any regular monitoring (e.g. bone mineral density scans, skin checks) it’s a good chance to raise these to make sure it’s marked on your file. I hope the new doctor isn’t fixated on your weight. Other posters have given good scripts for how to deal with this. Fingers crossed for a good start to this new relationship!
Parenthetically* July 21, 2019 at 4:10 pm I wouldn’t see a doc who focused on my weight. Period. If I need tips for changing BEHAVIOR I’m happy to consult with her/him or another expert, but weight is not a behavior. One of the major ways I knew I was going to click with our newish NP/family practitioner is how he responded when I said I didn’t know or care how much I weighed but ate nutritious food and moved my body regularly and let the number sort itself out: he said, “I immediately knew I was going to like you.”
AnonoDoc* July 21, 2019 at 6:31 pm I cannot imagine bringing up weight at a first visit unless asked for advice on that.
AnonoDoc* July 21, 2019 at 6:33 pm Except I just remembered a time I did — I had already read that the patient had lost 75# intentionally and I wanted to know how she had done it and congratulate her on it, because I know it was very hard-won.
artsy_person* July 21, 2019 at 9:40 pm Hi families! I am a fat (but mostly healthy person) and here’s what works for me with reasonable doctors. I am very upfront with the fact that I know I am a fat person and I am not interested in losing weight/participating in diet culture. I have successfully used the phrase I am open to discussing health outcomes only. If I have a complaint and the response is ‘lose weight’ I ask for specifics, and if this would be the same recommendation if I was a “normal” weight? If the answer is no, I say let’s talk about what you would recommend if I came into your office at a “normal” weight. Then I ask that to be my treatment plan. If they refuse, I ask for that to be documented in my medical record. If this doesn’t work I find a new doctor and depending on the amount of rudeness, file a letter of complaint with the practice/state licensing board. *this post brought to you by a number of doctors who have misdiagnosed broken bones, chronic autoimmune disorders, multiple torn ligaments and demanded a re-run a glucose test 3 times because there was no way I couldn’t be diabetic at my weight/family history.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 10:41 am Uber stuff. I don’t take it very often, but I’m a nice, non-drunk Midwesterner who tips well, and my passenger rating was like 4.9. And one of my recent drivers must have just tanked it, because now it’s 4.2. (I really do only take it a couple times per year so it’s easy for one rating to sink it.) And I think I know which driver it was, because he was mad that I wouldn’t walk into the street with my luggage and wanted him to come up my short driveway like every other freaking ride has ever done. I could theoretically go back and change his star rating, but that won’t help mine and I don’t know for sure it was him. I’m seeing articles about ways to be proactive and figure out what rating you get before you tip/rate, but that doesn’t really address the situation. What annoys me is that this is a low enough rating that it’s actually going to make it difficult for me to get rides in some places, so it’s not simply an abstraction. Aside from just “take a bunch of Ubers and be lovely whenever I have the chance,” anybody have any thoughts?
Cheesesteak in Paradise* July 20, 2019 at 11:33 am I haven’t tried this but have you tried contacting Uber? They might be willing to remove the rating.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 11:58 am I didn’t even know you could! I just used the help function on the app–we’ll see if it works. Thanks for the suggestion.
Dan* July 20, 2019 at 1:02 pm Well, look at the bright side: If you actually almost never take Uber, then nobody is going to see your star rating, right? Along those lines, you’ll probably be fine most of the time, and since you rarely use Uber, the probability of your lower rating costing you a ride is pretty slim. Remember, the drivers probably need money more than you need a ride, so not picking you up is counterproductive. BTW, I hate the star system. The way Uber implements it, it’s 100% dumb. Essentially, a 4-star driver is at risk for losing is job. But you know what? At my job, most people get three stars (that is, meets expectations). So Uber is trying to set a standard where “5 stars” is actually average, because in reality, stars 1-4 are simply an expression of how pissed off one is. I mean it — “4 stars” puts the driver at risk of getting fired, where at my job, “4 stars” gets me a fat raise. That and in this social rating environment, people will hand out one star for the slightest transgression. What Uber ought to do is simply have all ratings done on a thumbs up/thumbs down basis. Would I ride with this person again? (Yes/no) And perhaps a “meh/only if I was desperate” middle-ground.
fhqwhgads* July 20, 2019 at 1:28 pm The other problem with “4 stars” when it’s an average is this: https://xkcd.com/937/ I do agree more company ratings systems ought to switch to a yes/no anyway given that they often treat their employees as though “anything under 5 stars is crap” (partially due to the above) when really the people taking the surveys generally consider a 4 rating on its own to be “good”. That’s the disconnect: the numbers mean one thing to the person responding and a different thing to people evaluating the reviews, and there often isn’t a way to differentiate between “avged 4 stars by pretty much always getting 4” vs “all 5s and a 1” and what was the thing that caused the 1 and is it an aberration or a deal-breaker?
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 2:27 pm Well, and that hints at the problem for me, too, which is that the fewer ratings you have, the greater the significance of a lower rating. Uber’s boilerplate response said “One low rating won’t significantly impact your overall rating,” and I’m like 1) obviously it did because that’s what drew my attention here, and 2) do you understand how averages actually work?
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 4:53 pm What people are telling you is that there is simply no way for anyone to have a solid opinion. Oh, they understand. They don’t care / don’t think they users know or care.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 5:07 pm Oy – I accidentally left some other text in there. Skip the first sentence – it’s totally not relevant. Sorry!
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 5:11 pm Heh, no problem. And yes, I agree that they don’t care. Mostly I just wanted to Perform an Action and I’ve done that, so now I’ll just let it go.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 1:43 pm Thanks, Dan, you’re right. I’m definitely approaching it as “take an action and then let it go.” (Uber has gotten back to me and said they won’t delete individual ratings.) I did see some frustration about this elsewhere on the internet, especially from women who got negged for fending off a creepy driver. Ironically, I’ve tended to give 5 stars to drivers because I suspected there might be retribution from them otherwise. As you say, the ratings aren’t a very good tool.
Dan* July 20, 2019 at 2:16 pm Just to be clear about the five stars thing — I know I said it above, so at the risk of being repetitive: Anything less than five stars, functionally speaking, is you telling Uber (and the driver) that he should be fired. I haven’t kept up with the particulars these days, but early on, I believe that if a driver had an overall rating of less than 4.6, he started having conversations with Uber about his long term “status” on the platform. I don’t know at what point they’d get kicked off, but mathematically, four stars is less than 4.6, so each new four star rating added to the probability a driver would get “the talk”. I only reiterate that because you wrote that you give 5 stars to avoid possible retribution. I do think your fear is justified, just not for the reasons you may have thought.
That Girl From Quinn's House* July 20, 2019 at 2:42 pm Anywhere you’re asked to “rate your service,” if you do not give the top score, the location/employee being reviewed gets in trouble for underperforming. I worked somewhere where they’d do an annual customer survey and we’d get the results back, “This year our location got a 9.67. Last year we got a 9.69 average.” And then we’d all be in trouble for a few months after, because our score went down two hundredths of a point, and end up named and shamed in meetings. The thing that was most ridiculous about it, was that some of the customers would make up complaints, which we were punished for, or they’d complain about something out of our control (weather, capital expenditures we couldn’t approve like construction projects) and the front line staff would again be punished for it. I do not answer surveys any more, they’re not worth it.
Mimmy* July 20, 2019 at 5:02 pm I take a similar approach. I use Uber regularly and I’ve given all my drivers a 5 plus the minimum tip. It’s not necessarily because they were awesome; it’s because there was nothing egregious to ding them on. Plus, my husband told me that not tipping could impact my rating. If 4-star ratings didn’t have such an impact on drivers, I would give everyone 4 stars, and only give 5 stars for exceptional drivers. It’s so silly.
Washed Out Data Analyst* July 20, 2019 at 8:30 pm Second the stupid star rating system. There is no universal standard for what 4 stars means vs 3 stars and 5 stars, and drivers get punished for losing a star? And you have both the drivers and passengers who tank ratings for very petty reasons.
Courageous cat* July 20, 2019 at 1:35 pm Use Lyft! I can’t imagine this will actually make that much of a difference though?
Mimmy* July 20, 2019 at 3:30 pm I’m kinda with Dan on the star system. In every other 5-star system (e.g. reviews on Amazon or Yelp), a 4-star rating is still considered good. It stinks that one grumpy or impatient driver could bring down your average like that. Also, as an Uber passenger, you don’t know why you may’ve gotten a lower rating whereas there seems to be a bit more info on drivers. By the way, I don’t like it when drivers don’t bother coming onto the side of the street on which I’m waiting, especially at my job, which faces a busy street.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 4:28 pm Oh, yeah, I’d be pretty annoyed about that too. So far I haven’t encountered it. Man, cabs are looking a lot better in comparison.
Sam Sepiol* July 20, 2019 at 10:51 am Anyone at Northern pride in Newcastle (UK) today? Oh the weather.
Best cat in the world* July 20, 2019 at 1:22 pm Didn’t make it to the parade because I’m working but I don’t think I’ve ever seen the town look so colourful!! It was awesome to see people walking around with flags and things. But yes… the weather! What a mix!
Sam Sepiol* July 20, 2019 at 9:01 pm Went to Poke afterwards. Really hoping i could at least have a flirt with a woman. Accidentally got chatting to a cute boy in the queue and ended up ‘accidentally” hanging round him all night. (I think he was also bi but who knows.) Ah well. There’s always next time. In three months.
CoffeeOnMyMind* July 20, 2019 at 10:55 am I did an escape room yesterday. It was so much fun! There were secret rooms and strange artifacts and some seriously doozy puzzles. We had to find a will and room key, and there were 2 bonus achievements. We got the bonus ones, but ran out of time on the will. I went to get the bonus artifact before time ran out, my shoe caught on the rug and I totally face planted. LOL. Typical me. Even though we lost, I still had a blast. If you’re in Seattle I highly recommend checking out Puzzle Break escape rooms; they are very detailed and have the coolest, most elaborate rooms.
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 11:25 am I’d been skeptical about escape rooms because I always needed to use hints for the computer based ones. But we did an escape room for a friend’s birthday and WOW was it fun! I think the key is to have a mix of people with different backgrounds/fields of interest because some of the clues can be obscure. We won in part because ONE member of our group recognized a military type item that was key to one clue.
Colette* July 20, 2019 at 2:07 pm I build escape rooms as a hobby/fundraiser for my travel group and I have failed to escape from plenty of rooms! I agree that a diverse group is key.
A Ridiculous Rant/Question* July 20, 2019 at 10:57 am I have this question/issue that might sound ridiculous, cowardly, pathetic, and weird. Last year I have used a dating app to try to find new friends. I’ve had great conversations with a couple of guys, but after some stressful, tumultuous, and emotionally nerve-wreaking experience with my parents and sister involving their view of how I should pursue romantic relationships, I’ve decided I am not going to use dating apps anymore and I don’t want to talk to anyone that I’ve connected with on the app. I’ve ghosted all the guys from the dating app.I haven’t talked to any of the guys for a couple of months now. However, there’s this one guy who decided to to text me “hello” a few times. Then he asked “how I’ve been?” I didn’t answer him. But I wonder if I should say something? He was a nice guy when I first met him. But I still don’t feel like answering to any of the guys. I am ghosting to be mean, there’s another reason to my ghosting. I was actually “forced” to use the dating app by my sister. She created an account in the dating app under my name even though I told her I was not interested in using the app. She used the account under my name to chat with some guys, and she told me I should give the app a try and that the guys are really nice. I decided to use the app so she would stop talking to the guys “on my behalf.” She have “chose” a few guys that I should talk to. After chatting with a few, I was feeling more attached to just one particular guy that she had chosen for me to talk to. I hang out with the guy for a few months and I nearly stopped chatting with the other guys that she “recommended.” It was initially a very happy time for me. My family was concerned about my safety (they’ve always been), and my family and I agree to install tracking apps on our phones so I can be tracked just in case something happens when I am out with guys. As I hang out with this one particular guy more, my parents became concern that I was getting too attach and that they don’t like the guy that much. They think there are better options for me out there. My sister joined in and complained that she wanted me to use the dating app to talk to more guys, not just the one I was seeing often. She told me to reactivate my account on that app and chat with other guys. I was not feeling like I wanted to chat with other guys, but I reactivate just for my family’s sake. That time it was very nerve-wreakingly stressful time for me. My sister was checking up on me to see if I am using the app to talk to other guys. She demands to see my texts to see how my conversations were doing. I hang out with a few other guys, just for my family’s sake, even though I was not very into it. I feel I need to give in to my family’s demands, because I am from an Asian household and respect to family is important. The guys were nice, but I was feeling very stress. I decided to end things with the one guy I was attached to at that time, and it made me really sad. The guy and I decided to talk less after our “break-up,” and I was feeling so unhappy that I told my mom and dad (without letting my sister know) I was deleting the dating app. My mom and dad said it was okay to delete the app, so I immediately deleted it and ghosted everyone I had chatted on with the app. What scares and irritates me even more about this situation is my mom and sister sometimes talk with each other about my potential with career and sometimes relationships. They don’t talk to me because I am not talkative. I am a super introvert. They talk about things they want from me instead of what I really want. I didn’t tell them what I wanted because I will be likely be push down as naive and incompetent because I am the youngest with the lowest social skill level. I don’t think I want the same things they want. They want wealth and the best, but I don’t think I do. I know money is important, but I don’t want to date base solely on money. I know they want to avoid poverty and financial stress, but still. My mom and sister even ask me shortly after I ended things with the guy, if we’re still hanging out again. And I say I am not talking with any of the guys in the app. Right now I am afraid to socialize. In the past, I am sad that I lack social skills and now I am scare to learn more social skills. I am in a situation where I am tracked by my family (with no way of deleting the tracking app without suspicion that I am trying to hide something), and my sister might try to look into my phone messages. There is no privacy in my Asian family. I avoid texting to guys friends so my sister and mom won’t have anything more to talk amongst themselves about me. So now one of the guys from the dating app says “hello” and wants to know what’s up with me. He was nice when we first met. I wonder if I should: 1) Continue to ghost him and never respond. 2) Wait until his next text to come up with a response. 3) Respond to him this week. I don’t even know what to say. I am at a stage in life where I have lost control of my life. I am an adult, but I am in a traditional Asian family with different norms than Western families. I could say this is not a good time for me to hang out with other people. But I don’t know what I should say that won’t sound ridiculous.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 11:14 am Other people here have experience that I don’t in navigating your cultural situation. I will say, though, that it sounds like in your family you have to do a lot of things because they please other people. This can be one thing you can please *yourself* on. Don’t want to talk to the guy? Don’t talk to the guy. It’s okay for him not to be pleased; it’s not your job to please him. You can also say “Sorry, won’t be able to text anymore” if you don’t want to cut him off silently, but then after that you block him. You don’t want to see any more texts from him; they’re only making you anxious. But I also think, based on your post, that this situation brings up a lot of stress you have about your family situation in general. You frame this as cowardly and weird, and I don’t think it’s those things, and I’d like you to get some different perspectives, preferably not just online but in real life. Do you have a job or school outside of the home? Have you made any friends there? Especially at school there are often special interest groups that will be easier to parent-approve and can be a good way of making human connections. I think it’s really hard to find a different path when you’re in a family like this, and it’d be easier if you had a few people on your side.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 12:44 am When your family signs you up for stuff, you can take over the account, change the password, delete the account, and report it to the site. You don’t have to say it’s your family, just that you did not create the account. I am guessing your family insists you tell them your passwords and you’re allowed zero privacy (privacy is an absolute human right). I don’t know how to put your family off from hounding you and controlling you, especially along romantic lines. (And following family orders doesn’t constitute respect. I mean, are you supposed to commit crimes because family tells you to? Are you supposed to harm people because an elder said so?) You need an exit plan. You need your own money and a place to live either alone or with people they don’t control, including any landlord. This link has advice for how to gear up to leave, and it’s probably useful even if you don’t think of the behavior as abuse. https://www.scarleteen.com/safety_plan_when_you_live_with_the_abuse Maybe write down that URL and take it to a library.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 20, 2019 at 11:18 am I think you need to cut off your family rather than the app, as they are incredibly controlling and abusive. I can tell you from personal experience that you’ll probably need months, if not a few years, without them criticizing and haranguing your every move, before you can be sure of what you really want and need for yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but if you’re not going to cut them off, you need to at least work on completely ignoring their advice and deciding what’s best for you on your own, but that’s really hard to do when they interfere so much in your life, like setting up fake profiles to impersonate you and accessing your personal messages. I suggest you search for the Raised By Narcissists reddit. It’s a wonderfully supportive forum for people who have very controlling families, so I think you’d find it really helpful and supportive even if your family does not meet the criteria for NPD or BPD.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 12:16 pm I got the impression the OP lives with her family, which may mean that cutting them off isn’t possible right now. But somehow I missed the tracking app on the phone–that’s something to get rid of as soon as you can without getting your family after you.
coffee cup* July 20, 2019 at 11:24 am Even though you don’t *have* to reply to this guy, it sounds as if not doing so is causing you some anxiety. Could you just sent him a message to say something like ‘hi, I’m fine and hope you are too. I’m sorry but I’ve realised that right now isn’t a great time for me to get to know anyone. But it was nice to chat to you and I wish you all the best’. Or similar. And then if he replies again, feel free to block him and not chat again (if you don’t want to do so). If he’s nice hopefully he’ll respect that and stop texting (some guys don’t, so I’m aware this might continue). Please feel able to control this, it’s your decision! I dislike ghosting as a rule because it’s happened to me so often that I get very anxious about it, but if you have a genuine reason to do so then go ahead. I’m very sorry you’re having so much stress from your family about this. Please rest assured that who you talk to and who (and if!) you date if your business and not theirs. If using the app upsets you, please delete it. It must be so hard for you to have that pressure but you need to do what’s best for you. Do you have anyone you trust you can talk to?
Escapee* July 20, 2019 at 12:06 pm Hey, I come from an Asian family so I understand the pressure you feel to share everything and to fulfill the expectations family seems to have for you. I know this is not what you asked advice on – but you sound so desperately unhappy that I am writing out this huge comment in the hope it helps you. Currently you are allowing them too much power over you. At a certain point in your life…whether it is now or whether is a few years later – you need to decide that it does not matter that you are going against the wishes of the family. It is a mental shift that goes against years of “training” but you need to do it. As you get comfortable you will get the balance between listening to the advice/wishes of your family and figuring out what YOU want – and then deciding. Its an amazing feeling, can tell you that from my own experience! I managed to do it only in my early 30s but I was in “preparation” so to speak all of my late 20s. So I know it will be hard as the youngest to shrug off family pressure, but you need to start investigating the idea. Some resources that has helped me: Captain Awkward’s blog posts on drawing boundaries, reddit’s relationships forums(in small does albeit) and Out of the FOG website. As for your current q: if you truly do not wish to communicate with this fella: just message him the next time he texts saying – I am sorry, but not in the right place for pursuing relationships. That’s it. Don’t respond to any replies he gives. He should get the hint. If you feel the need, am happy to talk to you more. Good luck!
tangerineRose* July 21, 2019 at 1:45 am Seconding Captain Awkward. Here’s the link https://captainawkward.com/
Anono-me* July 20, 2019 at 2:20 pm I think that you have have two issues. The first is what to do about the man on the app and the second is how to find your own voice. First, I am unclear if you really want to get to know this app man better or if it is just that you are under a huge amount of stress and he is nice. Give it some thought, and if you really want to get to know him; Send a brief friendly text. Slowly get to know ap man as long as you enjoy each other’s company. Second, you seem to have very little say in your own life choices. I realize the traditional Asian family norms can be very different from my experience, but you do not sound happy about your life and level of self direction. The tracking app on adult’s phone is very extreme and I think most adults from most backgrounds would not want it on their phones. There are ways that tracking apps can be spoofed or made to seem so unreliable as to not be worth using. Please Google it and find one that best fits your situation.* (Be sure to check to see how it impacts 911 calls.) It probably would be very helpful for you to get out of their sphere of influence a little more and see for yourself that you can function independently and successfully. Then when you feel more confident, it will be easier to push back on your family’s oversight. You say your family is a very traditional Asian family, so I am going to guess that education is something highly valued. Please consider taking some in person classes. Either at your local college or at your local community education center. If your family expresses concerns and suggests online classes, you can point out that in person classes provide the opportunity to meet ambitious young men. You may also want to look into Toastmasters, local civic organizations and local professional groups. Again you can point out that these are good ways to meet ambitious young men. Maybe you will meet your true love at one of these locations and maybe you won’t; But either way you will have some independent time gain social confidence and see how other ways people interact and the amount of independence they have. Please remember is that there are many ways to be more independent. You can aggressively stand up to your family, you can quietly start to walk your own path while respectfully thanking your parents for their advice or anywhere in between. Choose what is best for you. *I would not advise this for a minor.
A Ridiculous Rant/Question* July 21, 2019 at 11:56 am Hi everyone, Thank you all for your suggestions. Right now I am kind of shying away from making friends because I want to avoid having conversations with my family about my social life. Although it is not productive, I am not planning on doing this in the long run. I do plan to find a new friend in my workplace, where I can have conversations where I can seek some advice on how to deal with my family/social situation. I need to find someone I can trust. I want someone just to talk, but not to hang out and go to other places yet. Just wanted some privacy. I am trying to do some journaling during my work break to try to get my thoughts together and maybe to de-stress, if it can help. Maybe I will still hold off on texting the guy back. Although I do feel a little bad for just completely ignoring him and telling him why I can’t talk.
Not A Manager* July 21, 2019 at 11:55 pm Get a new phone and hide it. Use it to set up new, private accounts that your family doesn’t know about. If your family literally knows about/controls ALL of your money, then your most urgent need is a secret bank account.
Sam Sepiol* July 20, 2019 at 11:22 am So this appeared in my news feed recently and it was like I was in some turvy topsy world where you can be convicted and publicly shamed for being raped in public. (name removed) was so drunk she appeared out of control and had to be helped to cross the road when the couple went to a bench, she said. That’s not someone who is sober enough to consent to sex. Is this truly as horrific as it sounds? Because the CPS chose to prosecute this case and I feel absolutely ill at the thought. But no one else seems bothered.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 12:06 pm It looks like he’s the one who really got prosecuted, though (and I’m not clear if he’d be considered sober enough to consent either), I’m guessing for those very reasons; it also doesn’t seem like there are any indications that she’s considered it nonconsensual. I gotta say to me there’s a broader problem about addiction and homelessness here that’s underpinning this incident. I’m hoping that part of what’s going on with her is to get her into rehab via the legal system, which seems to be alluded to.
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 12:16 pm I think the article is slanted to shame the woman more (and maybe the judge, too) but both parties were convicted. She wasn’t jailed and required to attend rehabilitative services – which sounds like she may need. He received jail time.
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 12:22 pm Sounds like they were both off their heads, so neither could consent. Which sounds stupid as I type it but not sure how else to phrase it. I think this was thr best possible outcome.
Sam Sepiol* July 20, 2019 at 11:23 am Forgot the bloody link: https://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/17752426.mark-maddison-karly-smith-sex-busy-york-city-centre-street/
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 1:37 pm Our society doesn’t seem to know what to do if both parties are drunk. I think the judge did the best they could given the legal structure. Judges can’t write laws they can only enforce the laws that are in place. Additionally, judges cannot dig up extra evidence if that evidence is not presented. They cannot do anything that can seem to guide or aid either side of the matter. In this case the travesty is that 20 days in rehab probably won’t help that much. The judge can disagree with the outcome but their hands are tied because the law does not have provisions for certain circumstances. It is possible to read an article where the judge in the case ruled xyz but people close to the judge know the judge is ticked as heck over it. Last wrinkle, the article does not state what the original charges were. There may have been a rape charge but the plea agreement reduced it down. Or the prosecuting attorney may have backed down from even initiating a rape charge when they figured out they had nothing to base it on. The community order does put her in an accountability program that includes housing, employment and so on. Hopefully, she will be assigned counselors who will help her with each aspect and she will get housing, employment, etc. His family seems disgusted by him but her family seems to be more aware, perhaps concerned about her problems. He gets jail, she gets help. This is what we have for our systems.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 2:21 pm I also think that drunk people have sex with each other on a level playing field all the time, and, as you say, we haven’t really figured what we do about that yet. Long-term couples aren’t likely to stop having sex just because they’ve had a rowdy New Year’s together or are off on a cruise. And while I don’t think that a bus shelter at high noon (too lazy to check but I think that’s roughly what the article said) is good choice, I suspect that if they’d had homes they would have been having sex there rather than adjacent to the street.
Bagpuss* July 20, 2019 at 4:39 pm Plea deals are much less of a thing here in the UK, so that is unlikely. I would read it as indicating that she did not allege rape or sexual assault and in the absence of any allegation or support for a charge, on her part, it would be difficult for CPS to assess any case of having a realistic chance of a conviction. It sounds to me as though her saying she didn’t recall it was mitigation after she was convicted . Also – if all this happened in public there may well have been witnesses as to how far each of them appeared to be actively participating. I think the issue of consent when both parties are under the influence is extremely tricky, both legally and ethically.
Environmental Compliance* July 20, 2019 at 11:18 am It’s already nearly 100F, and it’s about 11AM. We have a cookout to go to this evening. Hopefully there’s a nice breeze because otherwise this is going to be miserable. We’re bringing orzo salad & mini pineapple upside down cakes. The cakes are half in/half out the oven and hopefully they taste good!
NoLongerYoung* July 20, 2019 at 4:01 pm The eats sound yummy. I love Orzo salad and I can’t say I’ve had the pineapple in a long time – sounds good too. Were they hits?
Environmental Compliance* July 22, 2019 at 8:43 am They were! Oddly enough I brought one of the only cold sides. They were all delicious, but….hot. Which felt weird being that it was still toasty, even though it rained for a blissful 20ish minutes.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 6:22 pm YUM My nerd group has a miniature golf outing tomorrow evening. I expect to be roasting. The heat wave isn’t set to end here until Monday, whereupon it will rain and be 81 F.
Environmental Compliance* July 22, 2019 at 8:43 am Though it wasn’t supposed to, it rained for like 20 minutes, and sprinkled off and on for the whole afternoon. It was glorious!
Earthwalker* July 20, 2019 at 11:19 am Any Oregonians out there? I pump my own gas at home and don’t know how to behave in Oregon where I am not allowed to do it. Does one tip the gas station attendant who does it? How much?
buttrue???* July 20, 2019 at 11:30 am No tipping. It’s their job. New Jersey is the same way. But remember it really wasn’t that long ago that no one pumped their own gas. The first pump your own was in 1964. But it wasn’t till the mid to late 70s that it became prevalent.
Cheesesteak in Paradise* July 20, 2019 at 11:31 am No tips. You just pull up to the pump, had over your card and specify gas type, and then they bring you your receipt.
Llellayena* July 20, 2019 at 11:31 am I didn’t realize there was a state other than NJ that didn’t pump their own gas. Here in NJ there’s no tip to the attendant. I might try to tip a dollar or two if they wash my windshield or something but I don’t think there’s anywhere that will do that anymore.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 20, 2019 at 11:35 am New Jersey is the same, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone tip (I lived there for a few years and still drive through occasionally). Because eating out is more a luxury, whereas pretty much everyone needs gas, and some people can barely afford the gas to get to and from work, I think the expectations are very different. If I asked them to clean the windows or check the oil I could see offering a tip, but I never do.
MinotJ* July 20, 2019 at 12:37 pm It was a shock for me when I moved here. Some people get out of the car and chat with the attendant or wash their own windows. But it’s completely acceptable to stop at a pump, roll down your window, and hand over your credit card. No tipping expected, or probably allowed. Ugh. It takes so freaking long. I dream of doing it all myself again without chatting or waiting for anybody else.
Jen in Oregon* July 20, 2019 at 1:19 pm No tipping, just be pleasant and patient. If you have a Costco membership, they tend to have the least expensive gas and the attendants seem to be more attentive in general. Yes, the lines can be super long, but the gas pumps open several hours before the store does, and stay open at least an hour or two after the store closes, so if you plan to get gas at one of those times instead of waiting until you’re desperate, it’s usually a breeze. But if you go on the weekends it’s a madhouse.
Cat* July 20, 2019 at 1:31 pm I guess I’m super lazy but I love it. I don’t have to get out of my car in the rain and it doesn’t seem to take unduly long to me.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 11:16 pm Another Oregonian here. The only time I tip is if the weather is particularly awful (really hot or dumping buckets of rain, basically) and I still feel like I got good, prompt service. I see it as a contribution to their “get a beer after work today fund” at that point rather than an expected behavior. As far as I know they’re all allowed to receive tips, but it’s seen as unusual to tip. I always pay cash, so it’s easy for me to tip with or without a “spot” for it on the receipt. I don’t think there’s a spot on the receipt. I also prioritize gas stations that don’t make me get out of the car to pay cash. (Some make you go into the convenience store to pay cash – that’s *definitely* a no tipping situation!)
Jaid* July 20, 2019 at 12:08 pm I left work early yesterday and hit up Reading Terminal for meals to take home. I mayyyy have gone a little overboard (also picked up 6 loose teas, cheese from a Syrian food booth), because I got some take-out the night before, but damn. I know I’m not going out at all this weekend because of the heat and I didn’t want to cook and I can afford it. Anyone else gonna hunker down with the A/C, this weekend?
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 12:15 pm I picked up my books at the library before it got any hotter. No AC, but have a big fan on standby.
I'm a Little Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 12:16 pm Yep. not going out if I don’t have to. It’s supposed to cool off a lot tomorrow, so I’ll do necessary yard work and errands then.
Clisby* July 20, 2019 at 6:19 pm I live in Charleston, SC, so I hunker down with AC June-September. It’s hell in the summer here.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 6:23 pm I have a book to read and review, so yes. Except for an outing tomorrow evening, I’m staying in.
Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus* July 20, 2019 at 7:36 pm Working tomorrow :( but not verry far to go, like a 5-10 minute walk :) Hopefully I won’t cook too much on my way to/from. Have been in all day today though, and explicitly canceled gardening plans so that I wouldn’t die.
Lcsa99* July 20, 2019 at 9:49 pm I wish we were hunkering down! Unfortunately bad timing means we had a whiskey tasting today (yup, alcohol in this heat) and we’re meeting up with friends for lunch and a museum tour tomorrow (likely more alcohol). We’re doing our best to stay hydrated but sleeping all weekend would be lovely.
I'm a Little Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 12:14 pm I’m working on introducing Arwen and the foster kitty. Mostly because Arwen decided that she was going to open the door and stare at him, so since the cat’s out of the bag, sure. Currently, door to kitty’s room is open, he’s mostly staying in there (it’s also nap time). Arwen’s quite mad but it’s mostly the mad-on-principle type. Both are nervous of the other and are avoiding. No major fireworks, just letting each work through this on their own pace. Since I’m around due to weekend, will give them the opportunity to interact, but am separating at night and when I’m out. It might take a while, but pretty sure we’ll get there.
Good luck with that* July 20, 2019 at 5:08 pm Have you rubbed them both with something that smells like you? That’s supposed to help.
I'm a Little Teapot* July 20, 2019 at 7:24 pm They’ve both been cuddled by me, so seems equivalent. Mostly, it’s just a lot of change for both of them, and foster isn’t in the best of shape to start with. He’s just starting to explore the rest of the house as well, so lots for him to absorb.
Venus* July 20, 2019 at 9:10 pm It sounds like you are doing everything perfectly. Keep it up, and good luck!
EddieSherbert* July 22, 2019 at 4:22 pm I’m a big fan of the Feliway pheromone plug ins for multicat households. They only work on about 80% of cats, but my resident cat at least seems to be one of the 80% (even if the current foster isn’t). Feeding them near each other also seems to help the transition too (still start with a decent amount of space between them, but you can slowly bring them together). My personal preference is to keep fosters separate for the duration of their stay with me. I just worry about everyone getting sick or sharing fleas or something (one of my fellow fosters just ended up with fleas… she’s had the foster litter since they were 3 days old and suddenly at 8 weeks later, one has fleas!). Also, my resident cat is pretty cat aggressive, so I don’t really trust him around the others unless I’m completely focused on supervising them. Plus, the day he accepts a foster and becomes their friend is the day I’ll end up foster failing, so it’s better not to tempt fate. Haha!
Villanelle* July 20, 2019 at 12:26 pm I had a few dates with a guy (younger than me) and he was really sweet but he was way more into me than I was him and so I was like “I’m not looking for a relationship but I think you are” (he was) and I know I did the right thing before more dates = relationship but he was very sweet about it and I feel awful :(
Quake Johnson* July 20, 2019 at 1:41 pm I think it’s good that you were upfront and honest and didn’t drag him on. I empathize with feeling awful but know in the long run you did the right thing.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 12:46 am You (presumably) didn’t murder him and that’s a great baby step.
..Kat..* July 20, 2019 at 2:06 pm Being straightforward with him was kind of you. Please don’t feel bad.
Gloucesterina* July 20, 2019 at 1:18 pm How would I go about spot cleaning a nylon purse? I’ve got some white dusty spots on a black bag. Thanks!
Rainy* July 20, 2019 at 2:34 pm This is going to sound weird, but the absolute first thing to try is rubbing the bag on itself–make a fold and rub the spot against a clean part of the bag. On nylon a lot of times that will take contact marks off. Is it actually some kind of deposit on the surface of the fabric, or is the fabric starting to fade?
Rainy* July 21, 2019 at 1:17 pm With nylon and any technical fabrics, the first thing is always rubbing it against itself.
NoLongerYoung* July 20, 2019 at 3:02 pm If you can’t double the purse on itself to rub nylon on nylon there, you can use an old nylon stocking (ha! if you still have any), or one of those (clean) nylon net spongey things/scrubbies. This works in some cases also to help take deodorant residue off shirts. (the white from pulling over your head). Otherwise, Jolie Kerr probably has suggestions – she’s come here (and Allison has gone there) for podcasts and writing, and she has great hints. Her book actually has “handbag” in the title. (ROFLOL – I have to buy it yet). You can google her name (and Ask a clean person).
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 3:48 pm Maybe I’m misunderstanding (durability of nylon) (and judging by the other replies, probably) but I’m picturing the same fabric as like an umbrella? Couldn’t you just wash it with soap and water, using a rag? Or a spray cleaner?
Rainy* July 21, 2019 at 9:16 pm Nylon is used to make all kinds of fabrics beyond umbrella type fabric. Nylon is really just a fiber, not a specific type of fabric.
Quake Johnson* July 20, 2019 at 1:39 pm Finally finished Stranger Things! Since it came out everybody’s been blasting the Neverending Story song, but each time I hear it I get annoyed, because if they had skipped singing the song…things would have turned out very differently.
Foreign Octopus* July 20, 2019 at 2:35 pm I’m interested in that point. How do you think things would have turned out differently? Personally, I liked having the song in there. I thought it was a nice way to break the tension before what happened later, and it was just funny.
Quake Johnson* July 20, 2019 at 6:37 pm (SPOILERS) Hop survives, the Byers don’t move, The Party stays intact, Jancy still together. It was all so sad.
Whyyy* July 20, 2019 at 2:59 pm I’m with you!! **spoiler alert** Unless I’m missing something, I think the extra minute or two could have prevented the Russian Terminator from getting to Hopper (therefore saving him) and then Hopper and Joyce could have closed the gate earlier (therefore saving Billy).
Art3mis* July 20, 2019 at 3:54 pm I do agree with you, they could have gotten things done faster and the end would have been different. But we watch to be entertained, which means watching a story where things happen. Also, I think that was probably the best scene in television history.
Quake Johnson* July 20, 2019 at 6:42 pm I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it, great season overall, but I hear it and my eye twitches. (Spoilers) I’m like “Hop died cuz of you, Joyce lost yet another love interest and Eleven another parental figure and they moved because of you, the friendships and couples are all split up…DAMN YOU LIMHAL.” ;)
Quake Johnson* July 20, 2019 at 6:45 pm Yes, and while I hope they were referring to the person who presumably died, I don’t want to get my hopes up.
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 6:32 pm I liked it and thought it was hilarious. The best reaction that scene I’ve seen was Tami Stronach’s — she played the Childlike Empress in the original film. She posted a video where she did a little version of Suzie’s dance. Also now the song is stuck in my head again. Arrggh!
Lady Jay* July 20, 2019 at 1:44 pm Jessica Jones S3 thread!! Post your thoughts below. I just finished it last night, and . . . boy. I appreciated the unexpected directions that the plot went, the way I thought I had a read on what the central conflict was and then the central conflict changed. It was much better than S2 (I was just annoyed with everybody by the end of S2) as well. In terms of thematically similar shows/films, it reminded me of Altered Carbon and the recent Captain Marvel film (the second because of the question of how we handle anger). But (possible spoilers ahead): Insufferable as self-righteous Trish is, I’d hoped for a better end to her narrative arc, and especially her relationship with Jessica. I’ve drifted away from friends due to different priorities, and while obviously Trish/Jessica’s relationship was more than a simple “drifting away,” the loss of a friend is one of the suckier parts of life. The sight of Trish flying away in a helicopter was a disheartening end to the show.
Quake Johnson* July 20, 2019 at 2:08 pm I also really enjoyed the season, and found it much better than the hot mess Season 2. Sallinger was a good villain with how he kelt managing to slip through their fingers, and his eventual complete takedown was so satisfying. I also hoped Trish’s story would have ended better for her, but at the same time she’s behaved so atrociously the past two seasons that by the final episode I was really rooting for Jess to finish her. At least she finally seemed to be self-reflecting in the end. Speaking of wishing for better narratives, the one thing I LOVED about season 2 was where Jeri was going. “You should be afraid of the woman with absolutely nothing left to lose.” Iconic. This season really squandered that potential for her. I really loved seeing (spoiler) in the finale. It really makes me wish they’d do one last Defenders to give everyone one last hurrah and some closure.
Lucette Kensack* July 20, 2019 at 1:54 pm Etiquette question: Should I bring a gift/money for this wedding? Details: – The couple are in their 50s and are financially comfortable; their homes are fully “set up.” – It is the second wedding for the groom. I’m not sure about the bride; she has children and grandchildren, but I don’t know if she has been married before. – It is a very small wedding; maybe 25 guests. – There was no registry information on the invitation. – There is no wedding party to discreetly ask. The groom is my second cousin, and his father is the only person I could ask — but his father is a sweet 85-year-old very traditional man who could not be less interested in the details of the wedding (and wouldn’t have the answer to a question about gifts).
Lucette Kensack* July 20, 2019 at 1:56 pm Other details that might matter, but that seem sort of petty to me: – We will be traveling to the wedding. It’s just a couple hours in the car — enough to require a hotel stay, but a terrible expense (no flights, rental cars, etc.) – The dress code is semi-formal, but the wedding is casual in approach; it’s an evening wedding with a cocktail party reception (no meal served, no dancing, etc.).
Colette* July 20, 2019 at 2:04 pm You’re not required to get a gift, but it’s a nice gesture. I’d go consumable (restaurant gift card, maybe?)
Gilmore67* July 20, 2019 at 2:31 pm Yes I agree. A gift card to a local restaurant is a good idea if you want to give them something.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 20, 2019 at 3:06 pm My go to for a wedding gift, especially when people already have their households, is a date night in a card – gift card for a restaurant and one for the local movie theater (or fandango, as appropriate). It’s been very popular.
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 2:45 pm Mailing a wedding card to the couple with a gift card is a great idea. The amount is up to you. Would you believe taking a gift to a wedding is actually not proper etiquette even though plenty of people do it! It creates a security issue and a distraction from the event. If giving a gift, have it mailed or sent to the couple’s residence.
Alex* July 20, 2019 at 3:45 pm I’d go with a gift card to a nice restaurant or a nice bottle of wine.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 20, 2019 at 11:27 pm If you want to give a physical object (which does not seem at all required here) one thing I’ve given for people who are well-established in their lives as a wedding present is a nice new set of bath towels. Many people keep their older towels for a long time rather than treating themselves to newer ones. If you know for sure the post-marriage name situation, you can get them monogrammed. Of course, this strategy relies on knowing their taste in bathroom color pallettes, so it probably works better with people that you’re close to. This is what I did when my mother got remarried – her favorite color had been the same my entire life, they were going to be living in her house after the wedding, and I knew she never bought anything nice for herself and was taking her new husband’s name. You could also try searching the wedding registries online at places like Target to see if they happen to be registered. If they’re not, then that’s an even stronger sign they’re not expecting gifts. I don’t know where the usual wedding registry sites are in your town and/or family, but there are probably some standard ones.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 6:27 am For me the rule of thumb is to give enough to cover the cost of your meal, assuming you can afford it of course. Assuming they are paying for your meal, check the hotel /restaurant website and you should be able to figure out roughly how much it is costing them for you to be there. Then stick about that much cash in the card. If they are not paying for your meal, then just a nominal gift eg €20 or a nice bottle of wine would be fine. If you are broke there is lots of cheap nice wine if you do a little research. I know people SAY its all about your company and they don’t want gifts, but thats just being polite. One of my cousins brought her three older children plus her partner to my wedding – I spent almost €300 on meals for her family that day and she didn’t even give me a card. She’s not well off, and I certainly wouldn’t have expected her to give €300, but I was expecting SOMETHING. Her brother and his girlfriend who were even more broke managed to stick €20 in a card. Giving nothing at all creates bad feeling. It doesn’t have to be much, but definitely don’t give nothing unless they have specifically asked for no gifts.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 6:30 am Just realised you said in the replies that they are not paying for a meal. Unless it’s a really fancy cocktail reception with expensive finger food, I think a nice bottle of wine is all that’s called for.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 5:22 pm I don’t think that any of these is relevant to whether you should give a gift. It does affect what you give, though. They obviously don’t need something “practical”, and this is more about the thought physical celebration of their marriage than something to help them out. So, something small that you think they would enjoy, or food that you know they would like (eg some nice chocolates or a bottle of good wine.) No registry information does not mean “no gifts”. On the other hand, if someone SAYS no gifts, then you should NOT bring a gift.
Tara R.* July 20, 2019 at 2:06 pm Me and my mom have been discussing a European vacation for a *long time*. I’ve never been outside the Americas and my mom saw Europe once or twice as a kid. We wanted to go for my high school graduation in 2015, but it didn’t work out financially. Now I’m graduating uni this coming year, and we’re starting to try to make concrete plans and save money for 2021. I’m pretty excited about this and mentioned it to my aunt and uncle. My aunt immediately started talking about how they could arrange to come at the same time and how we could try to get the whole family in as a gift to her while she’s still able to travel. My uncle (probably sensing my “ahhhhh” response) said that maybe this was something we were planning as a “Mom & daughter” trip, and she was like “Oh well we could just all meet up for a couple days in and they could do their own thing the rest of the time!” Now, if that did end up happening, I wouldn’t be upset exactly. It would be cool to have the whole family in . But the idea of trying to wrangle the whole thing, or arrange our own plans around this, or having the rest of my (loving, amazing, very overwhelming) family pushing to join in on what I was looking forward to being low-stress, easygoing special one-on-one time with my mom is… not great. I would love to do a big vacation with the whole family at some point! But not this one. I don’t want to make it sound like I don’t want their company! I love them a lot. But I don’t get to see my mom as much as I would like and I miss her and I want it to be just us. Should I say something to one of them? Or just not bring it up again and hope that she forgets about it? Say that I’m on board if others do end up in at the same time for a couple of days but I don’t want to have to plan around ten peoples’ schedules to make it happen?
Tara R.* July 20, 2019 at 2:08 pm Oops. I put something in angular brackets and it read as broken HTML and just removed it. My aunt wants to get the whole family to my Grandma’s home country.
Dan* July 20, 2019 at 2:25 pm Yes, you should say something. You’re an adult and don’t have to cater to other peoples’ whims. How you play this exactly depends on your aunt’s personality type. I travel a lot on my own, and the way I keep my sanity is plan what *I* want to do and put word out that that’s the plan and people are welcome to join whatever parts of it they want, and do their own thing for the things that don’t. But if your aunt would tag along with anything come hell or high water, then that plan won’t work. Also, how well does your aunt take a hint? If you don’t bring it up, that says something. But if you have to be more direct with you aunt, I think you can say something like, “Aunt, I really would like to do X at some other point, but I’m really looking forward to some alone time with mom for this one.” That’s polite and direct, and if your aunt takes issue with that, that’s on her.
My Brain Is Exploding* July 20, 2019 at 2:36 pm Use your words and say what you want! “I really just want this to be a mom-daughter trip. I love the idea of a later family trip, though! ” Or, if you don’t mind being the same place for a few days you can add “once we get everything arranged for our trip, I’ll let you know, and if you want to intersect with us for a few days, you can arrange to do so” (if you think it will only be for a few days… Or you can forward info that just gives the dates you will be in the place that they also want to go). Have a great trip!
Foreign Octopus* July 20, 2019 at 2:40 pm I agree with Dan above. This is something that you need to nip in the bud as well. I used to have a friend who would invite herself along to everything that I did and I let my resentment build up over it until I exploded in anger and annoyance and lost what was an otherwise nice friendship. This holiday is for you and your mum. And it sounds like your uncle is aware of that at least, so you have an in there. I recommend saying something like “actually, Aunt, this is just for me and my mum. We’ve been really looking forward to it, but we’d love to see you when you get back. When’s good for you?”
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 3:00 pm Make it clear to your aunt and uncle this is a low-key mother/daughter trip. Then don’t bring up the trip again until you’re back from Europe. Do not give your aunt flight/hotel/dates information. Tell your mother to keep your plans vague. Your aunt could plan a big family trip for sometime in the future. She can work out the details. What does “as a gift to her” mean? That your aunt would go for free? Hope you do it your way!
Tara R.* July 20, 2019 at 6:06 pm Sorry, that was supposed to be “as a gift to grandma”, since she probably won’t get many (if any) opportunities to see her home country again. I think the complicating factor is that my mom and I are the lowest income “family unit” in the family, so we’re kind of the limiting factor economically for big family trips. I get why my aunt thinks that this trip that we’re already planning & budgeting for is a good opportunity to get everyone together, I just… don’t want that.
Anono-me* July 20, 2019 at 3:43 pm What if you plan your trip with a few days at the end visiting your grandmother and suggest that your aunt overlap for one day with everyone at your grandmother’s home? That way you have most of the trip time with your mom one on one and concentrated time with your Mom and Grandmother (and your Mom has concentrated time with her Mom.) Your grandmother gets one day with everyone , but she also has one on one time with your aunt after you and your mom head home. But set the dates yourself and then ask your aunt if she wants to go then.
Tara R.* July 20, 2019 at 6:02 pm My grandma doesn’t actually live in Country! She moved here when she was nine and hasn’t been back much since, which is why my aunt thinks it would be great for her to get to visit with the whole family before she’s too old to travel. Complicating matters is the fact that grandma is… a bit difficult to travel with. She gets really anxious, she’s an alcoholic and it’s difficult to predict when/if she’ll go on a binge, and generally the relationship there is a bit complicated, although we all love her.
Anono-me* July 20, 2019 at 9:49 pm Sorry. Since your grandmother lives nearby that changes my advice 100%. Talk to your Mom about just the two of you going on the trip and why it is important to you. Suggest that your Aunt take your Grandma to Europe separately and soon. That way you and your Aunt each get wonderful Mother and Daughter trips to Europe. Point out that if your aunt waits until 2021, your Grandmother may not be healthy enough to travel. Also point out that your Aunt will be able to make her own choices about travel, accommodations, and costs. If your Aunt really wants a big family get together, she should organize one.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 12:55 am Suggest that your Aunt take your Grandma to Europe separately and soon. That way you and your Aunt each get wonderful Mother and Daughter trips to Europe. This is great. Be clear about having Mom to yourself this one time though, and no being nice and flexible, because if you can’t say no her inviting The Entire Family to your duo, isn’t she going to turn the inch you offer into many miles for you to sort?
MOAS* July 20, 2019 at 2:13 pm I don’t even know how to google this cz I’m blanking on the proper terms. Now, I know there are winter gloves to keep your hands warm, and driving gloves that are meant to be stylish and for grip. but are there summer gloves to deal with a hot as hell steering wheel? I can deal with a hot car for a few seconds cz it goes away but the steering wheel is way too hot to the touch. I’m honestly about to improvise and just buy some oven mitts or something.
Trixie* July 20, 2019 at 2:53 pm Do you have a sunshade? It doesn’t reduce the heat completely but major improvement. I was running errands this morning and at this time of year, surprised I didn’t see more of them but maybe it’s my area.
MOAS* July 20, 2019 at 3:07 pm I do, I used it for the first time today but it didn’t help very much..
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 12:59 am Try another shade in back and removing/tucking away the wheel cover when you park. Otherwise, cover your steering wheel with something you don’t mind getting sunbleached. If my wheel’s boiling, I wear convertible mittens for a couple of minutes. I’ve considered driving gloves, though, because presumably the manufacturer has considered the Homicidal Apollo factor.
NoLongerYoung* July 20, 2019 at 3:22 pm I have the front window sunshade and ones with suction cups for driver and passenger windows. And carry a beach towel to toss over the steering wheel and all metal levers (and watch the seat belt buckle). Used to visit family in AZ and not being able to touch anything in the car without burns is bad. Other note – be careful if you do use a steering wheel cover. We bought a used car that had one of those faux leather ventilated ones, and the heat made the backing interact with the steering wheel, leaving a nasty, sticky residue that was a pain to clean off.
Alex* July 20, 2019 at 3:40 pm Not sure they make gloves specifically for this purpose but what about biking gloves?
TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House* July 20, 2019 at 3:48 pm I use cheap brown jersey gloves you get at Wal Mart, TSC, etc. (# pairs to a pack). Hve also used an oven mitt in a pinch.
Koala dreams* July 20, 2019 at 3:49 pm I know there are white cotton stylish driving gloves, if you haven’t maybe you can try them. Although the oven mitts idea sounds intriguing…
TechWorker* July 20, 2019 at 3:51 pm I have some summer cycling gloves that might fit the bill – they’re fingerless and mesh on the back so won’t make your hands warm but padded on the palm which might be enough heat protection?
Fellow Traveler* July 20, 2019 at 5:03 pm My father got some thin and light cotton work gloves and cut off the fingers to use as fingerless gloves while driving in the summer.
WS* July 20, 2019 at 9:36 pm You can get a reflective foil steering wheel cover (like the window shades) which is very effective.
MOAS* July 21, 2019 at 3:22 pm Oh so I used the sunshade today.Turns out I was doing it wrong. My husbadn put it in yesterday after we came home last night and I got in the car and oh Boy it was pleasantly dry and not the oven!
sad and anonymous, again.* July 20, 2019 at 2:17 pm on sunday night/monday morning, my apartment condo building caught on fire and we lost all our furniture and a bunch of other stuff. my husband got out fine, and i wasn’t there because we are separated. to remind you all, the one with unmanaged OCD. we were moving out anyway, at the end of the month. i am so sad. my parents are HIGHLY disapproving of our marriage, but my mom helped us by washing the smoke smell out of his clothes. then a few days after the fire, we brought stuff to the house with his cousin for help. his cousin and my mom talked about us while we were upstairs packing. when we came down my mom sat us down and talked to us in this sad, strained voice about everything she sees and observes about chris and how we are in a vicious cycle and he will never get better and we shouldn’t have kids and we’re not healthy for each other and all this stuff. she said she wasn’t going to say anything until she talked to his cousin who said they all feel similarly. it was SO unnecessary and mean to do it the week that he escaped a freaking house fire. i love my mom so much and i’m so rarely truly upset with her. and now i am. i’m not speaking much to her now that i’ve come back home. i wrote out a long letter to her that i am not going to give her. but i’m scared to bring it up because i don’t like arguing with her.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 2:35 pm Oh, no, you really did not need this! I’m so sorry it happened and so glad everybody is all right. I think it was smart for you to write your feelings out and then hold off on delivering them. I think if she tries to bring it up again you’d be utterly within your rights to say “Mom, we just had a freaking *house fire*. I need to deal with that. This is not a helpful topic right now.” And if she wants to say more, you can walk away or repeat what you said. If she doesn’t bring it up again, I might wait a little longer before I raised the subject on my own so that I felt I was a little more settled and had a little more control over myself, but I’d say roughly the same thing. “Mom, we’d just had a freaking *house fire*. I needed to deal with that. It really hurt me that you thought your feelings about *my* marriage were more important than that and couldn’t wait.” I mean, I think her insight might be useful *at the right time*. But holy apartment fires, Batman, that was not the right time.
NoLongerYoung* July 20, 2019 at 3:16 pm yeah, I wouldn’t give her the letter. + 1 on the advice from fposte. there is a framing from your mom’s perspective (which I’m not trying to give her an excuse, just saying another facet). This is about opportunity and proximity. She wouldn’t normally come in direct, long, private contact with this cousin. If she’s like my mom, she’s single-minded in protecting you… but not as good at understanding your feelings. Her conclusion was, “wow… we (she and cousin) are aligned… look, we agreed!” While it is VERY bad timing and disappointing that she is bringing it up right now, this is probably not the first (or last) time that she will be completely out of touch with where you are emotionally… It’s tough, because when I say things to mom like “you are not paying attention to my feelings” she gets very hurt because her motive (in my case) is pure – she is trying to be helpful. She – and most of my family – just are awful at the timing and any awareness of others’ feelings. I’m sending a hug. It took me like 40 years just to bring up the “this is not a good time” or “I am not going to talk about that with you right now” conversations. So you are way ahead by recognizing and writing the letter – it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to share it with her. The usefulness of that you have to judge. You feel better? yes. Fix anything? Maybe not. YMMV.
Wishing You Well* July 20, 2019 at 3:14 pm The letter was great therapy for you, but destroy it so your mother doesn’t accidentally find it. Rewrite it and re-destroy it if you need to vent further. It’s okay to not talk to her about this for awhile until things calm down. I sure hope things get better for you soon.
sad and anonymous, again.* July 20, 2019 at 5:33 pm thanks everyone. we have since had an emotional argument/crying fest about it. i told her i think her timing and some of the things she said were wrong and mean and totally unnecessary. she said she just had a breakdown and everything inside her was coming to a boil and she had to let it out and she hadn’t planned on it but the conversation w/ his cousin set her off because he’d told her that they all give my husband advice and he doesn’t listen. she said the comment about how we should never have kids and the timing are the only things she regrets. i asked her if she’d text him sorry but i don’t think she is. she told me to tell him what she said. he was really hurt by it. she said my dad is very upset and she’s surprised his anger hasn’t exploded at me yet either. he feels “betrayed” that i am sticking around my husband because they did so much for me to have a good life and now they think i’m throwing away my life by not being divorced yet. i don’t get it. it’s not a personal affront to them. it’s my own issue, i can’t let go. for 3 nights after the fire i stayed with him at his cousin’s house, even though i could’ve just stayed as my parents as i have done. and it was so nice being with him again. i know he hasn’t provided much for me as a partner but we care about each other. i loved sleeping next to him again. he kept pressing me to live w/ him and get a place with him immediately but i am just letting him move to north jersey and we have NO plan in place for living together again. i just wanted to see him get more s table until we lived together again.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 1:11 am he kept pressing me to live w/ him and get a place with him immediately but i am just letting him move to north jersey and we have NO plan in place for living together again. i just wanted to see him get more s table until we lived together again. This is contradictory. It’s possible your parents are wrong in the way they treat you, yet right about him. You don’t plan to divorce? You’re separated until he becomes stable? He used the fire to pressure you? I think your parents tried to get there first and, if they would be happy for you to live anywhere but with him, meaning they are not sadfacing about you (punishing them or making a point?) choosing him over them the night of the fire, then everybody wins. But are they oppressive and don’t see the irony that they’re warning you about your husband behaving like them? Is this a case of it takes one to know one? The personal affront is that they think they raised you to avoid people like your husband, and so they are wondering where they went wrong. I think abused partners come from abusive homes and it seems your parents agree.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 6:35 am Tbh I agree with valentine here. You have been posting about this for a while and pretty much everything your mother said duplicates things you have yourself posted in the past. Maybe not exactly everything, but she’s not saying much that you weren’t already thinking on some level. He refuses to take the help he needs to be a good husband. That means he is refusing to be a good husband. You need to realise that. Your mother has your best interests at heart – you should listen to her.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 7:21 pm Unfortunately, when a big event happens it seems to cause people to want to have big picture topics about other things. To divorcing family member, “I want to talk about something that happened when you were five.” To a family member who is moving away, “Now is a great time for us to discuss that 8k you have owed me for the last ten years.” The big event seems to draw out people’s desire to “talk about things”. Of course you had words, she is preventing you from dealing with the immediate problems by getting involved in other issues. That makes sense. I get pretty ticked too. The part I wanted to mention was this part: “now they think i’m throwing away my life by not being divorced yet. i don’t get it. it’s not a personal affront to them. it’s my own issue, i can’t let go.” Some parents can’t let go. Some parents have sense of entitlement, “I paid for your diapers so you owe me.” Other parents just have a life habit of getting way too involved in other people’s lives. They are seeing it as an affront to them because for whatever reason they are too invested in the success of your life. And they probably even have a definition of what success looks like. This is their issue to sort. And you can say, “You don’t get to define what my life looks like. I am not a puppy. I am not a robot. I am a human being.’ The saying goes the harder the parents try to separate a couple the more likely it is that couple will stay together. I do think that talking with a therapist would be a safe place for you to find your own thoughts on things. As it stands now you have parents screaming in one ear and hubby screaming in the other ear. Okay may not a scream exactly but it’s pretty intense and it’s a lot of noise/talking. I don’t know how you find quiet space for your own thinking. And at the very bottom of all this is you need space to figure out what would make your marriage doable for you. That seems to be the root of it all, right there. You know. No one can really tell us what to do. Most of the time we have to find it on our own. Sometimes the answers people come up with are mindbogglingly brilliant. And they find these answers because of their own struggles. Only the person is the situation is the person capable of finding that particular answer.
Pinky Pie* July 20, 2019 at 3:01 pm Being an IT widow sucks. My husband has been traveling for 10 days with his job, company wanted him in California for another 5 but he promised my daughter if she earned her way to Cub scout camp, he would take her. Server issue happened while he was with her and we had to swap out. He leaves in 2 weeks for another 10 days, missing his youngest first day of kindergarten. That’s on top of his late night/ weekends/ long days. He’s burning the candle at both ends more under new management.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 1:15 am Can he set boundaries? Scout/first day? Doesn’t answer phone; voicemail says he has an unbreakable commitment and will be able to reply at x:00. You can reassess him being on-call 24/7, as it doesn’t fit with the family life you want.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 5:25 pm How does your husband feel about this? If he’s good at his job, he really could push back / start looking for a new job. Because being in IT does not necessarily mean being an absentee spouse and parent.
Only a test* July 20, 2019 at 3:22 pm Thanks, everyone, for your words of encouragement about my colonoscopy on Monday! It was fine. The prep, as you know, was horrible. Seriously, why does it have to taste soooooo bad?!? It’s like drinking a gallon of salt water. GAG! But I came out with a clean bill of health, so it was reassuring.
Goose Lavel* July 20, 2019 at 4:34 pm Prep is high in electrolytes to keep you hydrated post prep. I don’t enjoy it either, especially the high viscosity. The joys of growing old just never end, especially when it involves your end!
The Cosmic Avenger* July 20, 2019 at 9:26 pm Actually, I’m not sure, but I think it is high in electrolytes because a hypertonic solution pulls water out of the intestine, which physically flushes it out (as you have just experienced).
Oldster* July 20, 2019 at 5:08 pm I had to do this for surgery more than 20 years ago. Took about 10 years before I wouldn’t gag when I thought of it.
KoiFeeder* July 21, 2019 at 11:43 am Aw, man, am I gonna have to wait 10 years before I stop feeling sick thinking about the prep? :(
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 6:46 pm Bleah! I’m now having flashbacks to the time I had to guzzle that scratchy gross orange stuff for a glucose test. But yay for health!
Embarcadero* July 20, 2019 at 3:39 pm My brother in law, Bob, is house sitting for my husband and I as we are both away on business. Long story short, I have Arlo cameras up and Bob is touching his ding dong in almost every Arlo still-frame when he sets the cameras off. At first, I was a little disturbed. I thought he was doing it on purpose. I embarrassingly asked me husband what was up with all the “trumpet playing” and he didn’t even let me finish and said, “Oh yeah! Bob touches his dd all the time…it’s like a nervous habit”. I never noticed this. Would you say something to Bob? “Dude, stop touching your d so much”? Ugh…
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 3:57 pm I think he’s allowed to touch whatever when he’s alone in the space where he’s living, even if it’s temporarily. It’s weird that he does it knowing the cameras are there, but it sounds like it’s a pretty ingrained practice of his. I foresee problems with this, but I don’t think they’re related to house-sitting or you.
Embarcadero* July 20, 2019 at 4:33 pm Ah! I realize my statement came off as “you can’t do that anymore” – not my intention. Agreed, you can do whatever, wherever in private :) Also, all the cameras are outside (garage, patio, etc.). Thanks, fposte! Always the voice of logic and reason!
Lizabeth* July 20, 2019 at 5:41 pm First I went Ewwwww… and then I started laughing. Bob can’t stop even if he wanted to. My next thought was to burn a CD of all the “images” when you get back and give to him privately and say Dude, really?
Embarcadero* July 20, 2019 at 6:15 pm My exact reaction! First super grossed out, now I find it hysterical. I do a quick check of my cameras and don’t play the videos unless there is something out of the ordinary/Bob is not in it. Otherwise, it’s just Bob playin’ Chopin.
Jemima Bond* July 21, 2019 at 6:04 am I swear some blokes just have to keep checking it hasn’t fallen off. For security. I’ve definitely had a paramour or two who were in the habit of, immediately upon waking, teaching down to check that the old meat and two veg are still present and correct. Maybe Bob has taken this to a more frequent level!
Grace* July 21, 2019 at 7:11 am I used to be in a class with a guy who spent upwards of 50% of the time with his hand either down his trousers (least often), in his pocket but very clearly angled sideways (reasonably often) or just resting and gently cupping the crotch (almost every damn time I looked in his direction). The room had seating down one side facing the other side of the room and then rows in the centre facing the front – I was sat at the former, him at the latter, so I had a profile view of where his hand was on a regular basis. It wasn’t sexual, it was just… there. Like he was making sure it didn’t run away. Very odd after five years of being at an all-girls’ school, but we got used to it as just another weird male habit we had to deal with now. We complained about periods, they grabbed their crotches. Fair trade.
Lilith* July 21, 2019 at 3:07 pm Legit question for the guys who post here: can you help explain to us women why the crotch fondling would be the case for Bob ? TIA
Belle di Vedremo* July 20, 2019 at 3:44 pm Sweet photo of Lucy with Olive, glad you’re still posting photos of her for us.
Crochet vs knitting from last week* July 20, 2019 at 3:50 pm I posted the thread last week about knitting vs crochet. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented. I started attending a crochet class. After the first session I had serious thoughts about going to a second class, it was awful. I cannot single crochet stitch to save my life. But in the second class we learned the double crochet stitch and it is so much easier/ more obvious. Maybe will try knitting at some point but so far crochet is NOT calming so may give it some time before trying something new.
university minion* July 20, 2019 at 6:11 pm What yarn and color of yarn are you using? Wool or acrylic (ie Red Heart) in a light color is easiest for beginners and might help if you’re not already doing that. It does take practice, and 20 years in, I still hate a beginning chain with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. I inevitably miscount or struggle with tension. Learning foundation single/half double/double is helpful if the starting row is giving you fits. Keep it up – once you get the basics down and figure out what sort of crochet you like (me – lace, tunisian, large single pieces or garments with minimal seaming) and what you hate (joining motifs, overly bulky yarn), you can really start to have fun.
Marcy* July 21, 2019 at 1:26 pm I knit to help with my anxiety. For me, knitting didn’t really start to help until I really learned the stitches. I practiced my stitches until I did not have to think about how to do them anymore. Once I could do them almost automatically, knitting became my go to way to lessen my anxiety. I want to encourage you to practice a bit more. It might still work.
Angry Bird* July 20, 2019 at 4:32 pm Does anyone have advice (or know of a website that does such) on how to deal with a very abrasive, opinionated person who thinks they know everything about every subject? It wouldn’t be so bad but my mom is dating this guy who thinks he knows about everything and while I don’t believe he’s a Trump supporter, he thinks socialism is bad (he thought Venezuela was a good example of socialism to give you an idea) and there’s also the almost stereotypical generational mindset differences as well. I try not to get into it too much with him but it’s starting to really piss me off when he goes around spouting his opinions as fact and will try to talk over anyone who says otherwise (not yelling but will try to keep pushing his point forward until the other stops or something butts in) and I feel I have an obligation to speak up. My mom just runs off during all this but I feel like every time I’m around them even for a few hours, I want to turn to her and go “why are you dating him/what do you see in him?” I won’t go into other antics of his but essentially he’s like a grown child as well (constantly playing with touch lights, pressing all the buttons in an elevator if we’re the only ones in it, etc.) and honestly, I feel my mom could do so much better but that’s none of my business. I just want to know how to deal with someone I feel would try to tell me I’m wrong about my menstruation if it ever came up.
LCL* July 20, 2019 at 6:44 pm What do you want out of your interactions with him? Do you want to learn to ignore him, do you want him to shut up, do you want to engage in him every time he spouts an opinion, do you want to keep any arguments going? Because if you want him to just be a decent guy, that’s not going to happen.
Angry Bird* July 20, 2019 at 7:35 pm That’s a good question. I guess more along the lines of how to just speak my mind in 1-2 sentences and then learn to drop it, even if he continues? But for the more weird arguments, just a way to ignore him would suffice.
Washed Out Data Analyst* July 20, 2019 at 9:17 pm Oh gosh..you’re describing most men I have met. This is not helpful advice but I usually just respond to their know-it-all monologues with silence. These people aren’t look to engage in a discussion, they just want to lecture people on how they are right. Anything you say, whether it’s feigned interest or disagreement, or even a contribution to the dicussion, will be used as fuel for further monologuing.
Angry Bird* July 21, 2019 at 12:46 am Ah that makes a lot more sense now (I’m so used to debating people that I miss the signs they just actually want to lecture). I’ll definitely try the silence approach though, as long term that sounds far better for me.
TexasRose* July 20, 2019 at 9:21 pm Check on Captain Awkward for advice on how to deal with mansplainers.
TexasRose* July 20, 2019 at 9:56 pm Here’s on link; there are several more: https://captainawkward.com/2013/08/02/497-keeping-the-peace-with-an-unlikeable-mansplainer/
Angry Bird* July 21, 2019 at 12:47 am Thanks, I’ve hear of them but never read, I’ll definitely check their site out!
WS* July 20, 2019 at 9:34 pm Your mother runs off and leaves you with him? Go with your mother! Make sure you don’t spend time alone with him. Going to the bathroom to hide is perfectly fine. You’re here for your mother, not for him. Have you ever had a customer service job? If so, you’ll know the “polite face” where you just nod along and ignore the craziness. Do that. His opinions are irrelevant. You don’t have an obligation to speak up against him – if he’s talking over someone else, start a conversation with them instead. They’re probably much more interesting!
Angry Bird* July 21, 2019 at 12:52 am Yeah, she doesn’t like dealing with heated conversations and tends to do that. Next time I’ll make sure to just go with her though, just to get away from the guy. I’ve worked service jobs but never had to practice my poker face (I 99% of the time communicated by email, chats, phones, very rarely face to face) but I can certainly feign interest and look for escape routes out of any future arguments he tries to bring up, thanks!
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 2:19 am Captain Awkward has had at least one letter just like this. Invite your mom out just the two of you and, if he won’t allow that, you’ll know this goes deeper.
Quandong* July 20, 2019 at 11:55 pm Honestly, if I were in your situation, I’d make every effort to avoid this guy. He sounds like too much work. Have you already tried arranging visits with your mother that are ‘mother and daughter time’? Could you plan shorter visits where you meet your mother on neutral territory, and avoid going to their home? Personally I don’t have the patience to deal with people who piss me off to the level you describe. Just because your mother is dating him, you don’t need to develop a relationship or spend your precious time hanging out with him while your mother runs off (WTF that is very uncool!!). I second the recommendation to check out Captain Awkward’s website for script ideas.
Angry Bird* July 21, 2019 at 1:03 am Thanks! I haven’t tried just doing mother/daughter time yet, but I’m definitely going to work on that in the future without the guy as, every time he’s around, he always has to make a comment about something and gets pretty annoying as it is (and of course, will try to then argue if you tell him he’s wrong). And yeah, my mom’s never been the best when it comes to people having heated arguments around her. Won’t go into specifics but in the past she’s done similar behavior of running off if 2 or more people around her start having an argument. I guess she has the more flight response reaction? *shrugs*
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 6:48 am Do you live with your mother? If not, just don’t spend time with him. It’s pretty simple. My mother was seeing a guy for years and I think I met him twice. And he was a really nice guy. We just had no reason to frequently spend time together. If you do live with your mother then: 1 if you are an adult you should probably make it a priority to move out ASAP. Your mother has the right to have her boyfriend in the house, so he’s not going anywhere. Presumably he makes her happy despite the the fact that he is at opposite ends of the political spectrum to her daughter. So just step up your plans to leave (as an adult I assume you are planning on leaving some time so it’s just a matter of speeding that up. ) 2 if you are still a minor then I recommend the time-honoured rite of all teenagers – staying in your room a lot and ignoring the adults. We’ve all done it, for pretty much the same reasons. I had political arguments with both my parents as a teenager and spent a lot of time in my room being angry at why people just didn’t see the world the way I do. That doesn’t go away BTW there will always be people who don’t see the world the way you do. If I’m way off base and there are other reasons you HAVE to spend time with him, then since this is clearly upsetting your mother, can you just talk to the two of them? Say “since my and Donald’s political discussions are upsetting Mom, can we both agree not to discuss politics at all?” if you ask him that in front of her he’d have to be a total a-hole to refuse.
tangerineRose* July 21, 2019 at 2:25 pm If you have to live with them, you can try spending more time at the library or elsewhere.
anon for this* July 20, 2019 at 4:35 pm Has anyone here tried online therapy or other alternative, lower-cost types of therapy? I am in pretty serious need of therapy, but all of the sliding-scale or reduced cost options in my area are still way out of my budget or have a huge wait list (or both). It would be one thing if I could just go for a short number of sessions, but I think ongoing sessions would be more helpful. My employer doesn’t offer any kind of counselling or therapy, or any other healthcare benefits. Extended healthcare programs I’ve looked into only cover a small number of sessions per year (six or less, depending on evaluated need). I’m honestly starting to wonder how anyone can afford long-term therapy.
Lena Clare* July 20, 2019 at 6:42 pm Are you in the US? In the UK, national mental health charities do therapy for free, but there is a waiting list. You could maybe investigate if that is an option where you’re from, and get yourself on the waiting list for now. In the meantime, is video therapy an option? It may be cheaper. I haven’t had it myself but I know a counsellor (who’s very good) and he regularly does Skype sessions with some of his clients. This is just as effective as being in a therapy room. Also, if you can pay for 6 fortnightly sessions to carry you over in the meantime, is that doable? You might be able to get a lot done in 6 sessions, until you can get a longer course further down the line (but get on the waiting list now). Does your employer have an employee scheme, other than health insurance, where you can call a helpline? Are there any mental health helplines that you can call in your country? I’d look at those options too. And if things are really bad, I don’t know if you’ve tried this, but speaking to your doctor about medication to help in the short term might be an option for you too. All the best.
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 8:15 pm If a faith tradition is a part of your life, another option might be to look at churches which offer “pastoral counseling” as a part of their ministry. I was the pastoral counselor for a local Protestant church when I ran my private practice. I gave a significant discount to the membership in exchange for break on office rent. Additionally the church had a fund where they would pay my fee for clients who were in $$$ distress. (I additionally saw insurance and fee for service clients.). What I would caution is to look for a counselor who is a “pastoral counselor as opposed to a “Christian counselor.”. The former will, in addition to the clinical counseling services will work with their clients on ways to incorporate their particular faith traditions into improving quality of life. The latter tends to be more preoccupied with finding the “right Scripture verse” to fix their clients issues. Additionally pastoral counselor will be clinically trained with secular licensure as well as the appropriate training and recognition within their faith traditions. Christian counselors do not necessarily require anything beyond good intentions. Best wishes and post back if you have any questions.
ObviouslyAnon2* July 20, 2019 at 10:30 pm Do take what you can of the free (6 sessions), as a start. And I have one friend who just goes once a month, but faithfully does her journaling and self-talk – she calls it her “homework” in between. She’s made huge progress in the last 3 years. It is apparently the accountability and the work at home that does it… I go weekly but I’m not as good about the daily “talking to self” and journaling. I’m in the US, and I did actually manage to qualify for a mental health referral (I was crying in the primary care dr office; I got the prescription for anti-depressants and the referral to the person who could give me the authorization for the year of mental health). If you have insurance coverage, they are suppose to cover mental health (I think) now. Sometimes they send you to a group / class, to help you learn the principles (in my health plan). I figure any way at all to reinforce and give me tools to deal was a help. One of the things friend and I did together briefly was go to a very loosely organized Adult child of Alcoholics sort of group (it’s through AA). We both did that work and reading in between (I ran into time issues but she ma. If you are co-dependent at all, it’s really helpful.
anon for this* July 21, 2019 at 5:58 pm Thanks for the suggestions everyone! To answer some of your questions, I’m in Canada, I’m not religious and sorry for the confusion, I don’t actually have extended medical insurance because it’s prohibitively expensive–and it would only cover up to 6 sessions anyway, at best. I also don’t have a family doctor, since they’re really hard to get in my area and I’m a bit picky because I don’t want a doctor who will discriminate against me. To add a little more context, some of what I want to discuss with a therapist includes LGBT issues, a history of family abuse, and a family member who is dying but whom I don’t have a very position relationship with. So I am looking for someone who will be sensitive to all of this, which makes things a bit tougher.
EddieSherbert* July 22, 2019 at 4:29 pm Have you checked a local university or something similar? When my partner was in grad school (for a mental health career), his university had an onsite free (or low cost? I don’t remember) clinic for the public. It was basically a chance for PhD students (that have their Masters and are working towards PhDs) to get clinic hours and more practice in the field. They’re not licensed therapists, but they’re on the right track and should have 2-3 internships already under their belt at that point.
Una* July 21, 2019 at 7:49 pm From what you said, it sounds like the options in your area that you can afford have the really long waiting lists. Would it be possible to put yourself on the waiting lists while exploring the online therapy or 6 free sessions option? That way, if you try the online option and don’t find it helpful, you’d at least be closer (in time) to accessing the low cost options with the waiting lists. I know that doesn’t necessarily seem like the most helpful thing, especially when you need help now, but the reality is if you’ll still need help 3 months or 6 months or a year from now, you’ll be in a better position having progressed up the waiting list than you would be starting from square one. It sucks though! You really have my sympathies. One other thing to consider is that some types of therapy have more focus on exercises/skills to build, like CBT and DBT. If you’re interested in one of those, there are workbooks you can get that you can work through on your own. That’s no real substitute for a real human person helping you out, but some people do still find those helpful. It might be particularly helpful if you can do the six sessions and have your therapist guide you through using the books on your own after.
We used to be friends, a long time ago* July 20, 2019 at 4:56 pm Readers advisory help! I’m looking for suspense thrillers that don’t revel in violent imagery. I’m okay with a hint of romantic subplot, but I don’t like it to be too prominent. I really like Karen Cleveland and Harlan Back in the day, I loved Mary Higgins Clark. Nora Roberts and other former romance writers (Linda Howard, Iris Johansson, Tami Hoag) are a little too romance-y. I absolutely hated Gone Girl and Girl on the Train, and Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. Extra points for women authors.
Anono-me* July 20, 2019 at 5:04 pm Have you tried Elizabeth Lowell aka Anne Maxwell, also cowritting as A. E. Maxwell.
Aurora Leigh* July 20, 2019 at 6:14 pm This might be more cozy mystery than suspense, but check out Rhys Bowen. She mostly does historicals, and I particulary like the Her Royal Spyness series!
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 7:05 pm Natsuo Kirino (woman author) Out, Grotesque, Real World Keigo Higashino (male) Journey Under the Midnight Sun, Devotion of Suspect X Kanae Minato (woman) Penance, Confessions Ryu Murakami (male) In the Miso Soup
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 8:24 pm I don’t like Nora Roberts novels (too sweetie-sappy). I do enjoy her JD Robb “In Death” series. Personally I enjoy the balance of Sci-fi and murder mystery. I like the romance portion of those novels. (Don’t find it to be overly syrupy.) The lead character Eve Dallas is certainly a bad**s!!! Hope this helps!!!
We used to be friends, a long time ago* July 20, 2019 at 8:55 pm Thanks, I’ve tried those, but not for me.
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 8:27 pm Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series? Sue Grafton. Maybe Sara Paretsky.
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 8:31 pm Sandra Brown might be up your alley, too! And believe it or not, Marcia Clark has two decent female lawyer series.
Skeeder Jones* July 20, 2019 at 9:48 pm Elizabeth George Faye Kellerman Jonathon Kellerman (they are hubs and wife) Patricia Cornwell Also echo the recommendation for Janet Evanovich, not too violent, you can’t take it to seriously
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 11:36 pm Ooh!!! I’ve read a great deal of Faye and Jonathan Kellerman. Both are tight well written novels. I’m a particular fan of Jonathan Kellerman. With his credentials in psychology and background in child/adolescent services, I am able to read his material without getting hung up on dramatic license errors. I’ve read other novels and watched movies about psychological mysteries which were so full of story holes I spent half my time yelling:”That’s not the way it’s done!!!” It was painfully obvious the writer invested no time in researching the background details of the storyline.
Skeeder Jones* July 22, 2019 at 5:02 pm I honestly don’t know where they get their ideas! I also have enjoyed learning a lot about Judaism from Faye’s books. And you’re right, the “That’s not how it’s done” moments in other books can really pull you out of the story.
Lizabeth* July 20, 2019 at 11:23 pm Rita Mae Brown – she does two types, one is a mystery with Harry and her pets, Tucker (a dog) and two cats, Mrs. Murphy and Pewter set in VA, the other is the Sister Jane mysteries, set in VA but with a fox hunting background. Both are entertaining but not gross. Also check out Dick Francis – does mysteries with a horse angle and another profession that are fun to read. I’m a big fan of horse mysteries if you couldn’t tell.
spiralingsnails* July 20, 2019 at 11:23 pm Personally I find the ‘Mrs. Pollifax’ series by Dorothy Gilman totally delightful. (Though ‘The Lion Killer’ is a bit darker than the others.) Imagine if your favorite comfortable granny – became an international spy! The earliest ones are a few decades old now so there are some gender assumptions that make me roll my eyes, but nothing that makes me gag. (ie “a bevy of beautiful nurses” is mentioned in abstract, but the individual women you meet are portrayed as real people.) ‘Cloak’ by Timothy Zahn winds your nerves in tight suspense and keeps your brain furiously guessing, but he keeps the violence & death fairly abstract.
Hazy Days* July 21, 2019 at 3:37 am How about the Ruth Galloway novel series – an archaeologist in Norfolk who becomes involved with the police? Very atmospheric, interesting historical detail, suspense but no violence. I don’t remember the author.
we used to be friends, a long time ago* July 21, 2019 at 8:25 am I read the first two but found them a bit *too* atmospheric, maybe? I think I fell on the word “suspense” rather than “mystery” because I need things to move along quickly.
Hazy Days* July 21, 2019 at 11:34 am That makes sense – I like them because of the sense of place, but if that doesn’t do it for you, then I can see it wouldn’t be the right fit.
DEF anon for this* July 20, 2019 at 5:15 pm I am absolutely embarrassed about a crush I have on my 30+ year older department head. Folks, put me out of my misery. My brain knows it’s dumb and impossible and the thought of being physical with him skeeves me out and it would absolutely disappoint me if he ever tried to make a move on me but I still feel like a schoolgirl with a crush of the headmaster. I think he just possesses traits that I really admire and that’s the draw but how do I divorce this rush of feelings that say “I want to be with him” from the ones I know should be “I want to be more like him”?
Elizabeth West* July 20, 2019 at 6:51 pm Find something about him that would be an absolute deal breaker (besides his being a department head, since clearly that hasn’t done it). If you can’t, then imagine him doing something on the regular that would drive you mad, like that he never puts the seat down, or picks his nose and eats it, or he supports a team or politician that you hate, etc.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 7:31 pm Tell yourself that he is out of your league by 30 years. Or say that anyone can look good if you are not living with them. Little do you know, he picks his nose constantly when he is at home. Or you can go for the obvious one. When you catch yourself wanting to be with him, instantly and deliberately correct yourself and say, “I want to be more like him.” Do this over and over until you wear yourself down and give in to the latter concept.
Washi* July 20, 2019 at 8:21 pm This is starting to get a little work-y, but I have always developed minor crushes on managers I like. The first one freaked me out, but now that I know that I have the pattern, and can retrospectively think of teachers who inspired the same sort of giddy admiration, I just kind of…enjoy it? Like what if you stopped trying so hard to fight it and just said to yourself “yep, there goes my Manager Crush (TM)” and continued on with your day?
LibbyG* July 20, 2019 at 8:44 pm Might it help to stop trying to suppress the crush? Like, enjoy the zing, laugh inwardly at yourself, and use each moment to reflect on what’s going on? See if you can pinpoint the qualities you admire that you want to emulate? When I had a clearly inappropriate crush once, it helped me to make it less of a big deal on the one hand and, on the other, figure out what was so frustrating in my life that I was so taken with this escapist fantasy I had going on. Casualness+scrutiny helped disenchant me.
spiralingsnails* July 20, 2019 at 10:59 pm In highschool I somehow developed a crush on a guy I didn’t even like or respect. It was sooooo embarrassing for teen-Me. But it also made it easier to just mentally say, “Ugh, there go my hormones again,” and treat like a mildly annoying bodily function. So I say something in conversation, he responds, I feel giddy but ignore it and deliberately turn my attention to the next person who’s speaking, life moves on. If I caught myself daydreaming about him I didn’t give it attention by beating myself up, I would just intentionally start thinking about something else that was very interesting or that made me very happy. Over time those crush reactions shrank until they finally gave up!
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 6:53 am I think it’s really a failing of our culture that we have such a narrow understanding of attraction that we interpret all feelings of attraction in a romantic / sexual way. I Would try to frame it in your mind as a friend-crush or similar. You’re clearly not physically attracted to him. It’s OK to be attracted to him ina non-sexual way and be friendly / respectful colleagues.
annakarina1* July 20, 2019 at 5:26 pm I’ve posted before here about my dating life, and it’s basically been at a standstill for the past few months. I had my last date in April, and while I’m great at having platonic connections with guys, I find it much harder to be into guys romantically or sexually lately. I know I’m not gay or ace, but it’s been frustrating how I can make good connections with guys through my interests in martial arts and cult movies and sci-fi culture, but don’t feel more than friendship for them on whatever level. Online dating has been a bust lately, with either conversations just dying off midway or getting messages from creepy guys, so it makes me less interested. So I guess my frustration is that I’m great at making friends with guys, but bad at dating them or feeling anything more for them. I have a longtime FWB, but I’m not into anyone else I’ve gone out with like I’ve been with him, so that can add to the annoyance. So I would wonder if I’m just not romantically inclined to date more, or if something shifted over my years of not dating to focus on other life stuff that made me less interested.
buttrue???* July 20, 2019 at 6:18 pm “I have a longtime FWB, but I’m not into anyone else I’ve gone out with like I’ve been with him, …” This may be your problem. time to rethink the whole FWB.
annakarina1* July 20, 2019 at 6:22 pm He’s not a problem to me. I’ve known him for a decade, and didn’t see him when I had a monogamous relationship with my ex-boyfriend, so I know I can be into another guy. I just haven’t had the luck of getting into another serious relationship.
buttrue???* July 20, 2019 at 6:56 pm Okay. But has anything changed since the ex-boyfriend or is anything different this time around. ie. were you seeing FWB regularly when you met ex and immediately stopped seeing FWB or had there been a break from FWB? And of course it could just be the nature of nature. We all cycle through periods of attraction.
Overeducated* July 20, 2019 at 8:50 pm Are you maybe just picky? That’s not a bad thing, I have friends who date a lot and others who didn’t much, sometimes for years, until they finally met someone they really liked (and in most cases married). If that sounds like you maybe it’s just a waiting game, you can’t force interest.
Washed Out Data Analyst* July 20, 2019 at 9:12 pm I didn’t date all last year and was uncharacteristically disinterested in it for that period of time. Now in the past couple of months my interest in dating has suddenly reignited. I’m not sure what has been causing the shifts other than I think last year was reeeally busy for me and I had major priorities that preceded dating, but now it’s something I can focus on.
Home for the summer* July 20, 2019 at 5:53 pm So frustrated! I have a kid home for the summer. I don’t think I’m being too overbearing….but I am being told I am. They’ve got a job for the summer, and of course a social life. I have three rules: 1. Let us know before 4 pm if you want to eat dinner with us, or you’re on your own. 2. If you’re going to be away overnight, let us know. 3. Keep your crap cleaned up. I don’t expect them to ask permission. I don’t expect to know where they are and who they’re with at all times like I do with my 13 yo. Two of the rules are a problem. (Thankfully mess isn’t a problem.) Last night we were in the middle of eating dinner and they showed up and were upset that there wasn’t enough for them and we didn’t wait for them. But we hadn’t heard a peep from them all day, and they hadn’t shown up for dinner all week. A week ago, they didn’t come home at all Friday night and I texted at 11:30 Saturday morning and said “Did you go somewhere? Haven’t seen you or heard from you.” and once again, I’m hovering and meddling… To me, rule 1 is just common courtesy and coordination. Rule 2 is a safety thing, and also just common courtesy when you share living space. When I was in college, my roommate and I did that, and I did once have to rally the troops and find her and she was in trouble, stranded without a ride after a bad date and trying to walk 8 miles back to the dorm. So maybe that’s coloring my thinking here, too. What do you think? Are my rules excessive for a college kid home for the summer?
buttrue???* July 20, 2019 at 6:16 pm Not excessive. We had the same for our 3. (23, 19, 33). When my brother in-law and his wife lived with his parents while their house was being built the in-laws had one rule – Let us know if you’re going to eat Sunday dinner with us.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 2:25 am Kid’s trying to have it every which way and loose. Tell them it’d be the same if they were staying at an actual hotel. You might ask them for alternatives or discuss and agree to terms together next time.
Aurora Leigh* July 20, 2019 at 6:18 pm Nah, I think your doing good! My mom was much more controlling during my college years. I think your kid will look back and be grateful for your caring. It can be tough to be back at your parents after living independently though. You might try sharing your roommate framing you used above, so they know that you’re not thinking of them as a child when you ask these things.
Alex* July 20, 2019 at 6:20 pm Those are very reasonable rules. #1 is sort of self enforcing. Not enough dinner for you? Too bad! I assume your kid is capable of managing to feed themselves. #2 is a bit harder. Is there a reason your kid is not letting you know? What do they say when called out on it? Not sure what consequences you can impose but it is pretty rude. When I was a kid home from college, my mother wanted a curfew and for me to ask her permission to see my friends, so your rules seem lax to me! (Not like I followed my mothers rules–in fact, I tried to impose your exact rule about letting my mother know by X time if I was not going to be home that night instead of having a curfew when I had to be home.)
Home for the summer* July 20, 2019 at 7:22 pm Just that I am being a nag, that they are an adult and don’t need my permission, etc. They moved home mid-May and this was the first I texted to ask about where they were…
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 8:34 pm An adult until you don’t hold dinner then they stamp their widdle feet! Your rules are fine.
fposte* July 20, 2019 at 9:29 pm I think this is pretty common–their version of adulthood at this point is mostly just “not having to do what their parents say.” The parts about responsibility and obligation can take a little longer to develop.
Laura H.* July 21, 2019 at 2:34 am Not that you have to follow your rules, but showing your kid the same courtesy- like if you’re out later than a usual, or if dinner’s running late might work. When my family does this, it accomplishes 2 things. 1- it gives me a good example, and 2- it acknowledges the fact that I’m of the age of adulthood and in some ways have earned the respect that comes with it.
The Francher Kid* July 20, 2019 at 6:20 pm No, they aren’t excessive. In fact, I’ve had these sort of rules in a roommate situation as a young adult out of college. #1 and #3 especially are just common courtesy for shared space, as you said. I’m not a parent so I’m not sure I have any suggestions for trying to make the kid listen, but I would not back down.
Not So NewReader* July 20, 2019 at 7:43 pm Adding so is #2. It’s just basic courtesy to let people you live with know when to expect you so they can know when to go looking for your dead body. Be sure to point out that you are not asking where they went, what they did or who they went with. You are ONLY asking what time to expect them back. Explain that this is basic courtesy and anyone they live with will probably ask the same thing. My vote is for just repeating the same simple requests and explanations over and over. It will either sink in or they will move out. My guess is they will probably opt to keep the free lodging.
BRR* July 20, 2019 at 7:46 pm You’re more lenient than my parents and a lot of parents I know. You could always have a dialogue with them about establishing the rules but I’d probably just go with children can be brats.
xxx9* July 20, 2019 at 8:15 pm You are not being excessive at all and your kid is lucky to be given that much freedom to live their own life if that is ‘hovering and meddling’! To give you some “excessive,” when I was in college my mom would call me after sunset everyday to ask if I was home yet (I lived in the same city but not at home – you can see why!) and expect me to visit often to the point I might as well still live at home. She still does this even as I am well past college. (My mom is delightful & very sweet but definitely puts a lot of her identity into being ‘A Mom,’ which leads to wackiness like this). They are your kid but also a burgeoning adult and they have to learn to follow basic, common sense rules even at home. These are very lax.
bunniferous* July 20, 2019 at 9:21 pm They are being rude and your rules are just simple human decency. If they think that is hovering and meddling I feel sorry for any future roommates they may have.
EdithCrawley* July 20, 2019 at 9:37 pm These rules seem perfectly logical to me. I’m 25 and I went to college 1000 miles from where my parents live. I’ve always found it interesting/funny that I lived there on my own and my parents would only hear from me (by phone) every few days with the occasional text in between and they seemed fine with that but even now, I’m in grad school, and when I come home for any amount of time my parents expect me to tell them exactly where I’m going, how I’m getting there and who I’m going with. I’m expected to text them when I’m leaving to come home and be home before midnight. All this, even though the most exciting thing I tend to do when I come home is eat ice cream and binge watch Downton Abbey in my childhood best friend’s basement. It’s like being 16 again. All this to say, I think your rules are very reasonable.
TexasRose* July 20, 2019 at 9:53 pm Your rules are fine. Your kid is being an almost-adult kid, and still learning about responsible adult relationships. Consider having the next level discussion with them: 1. You agreed to the rules. 2. Here are the rules, and here’s what we’re trying to accomplish with the rules (basic, common sense roommate courtesy and safety). 3. Here’s how your reaction is (what we judge to be) out of line with what we consider to be basic, common sense roommate courtesy and safety. 4. Do you want to abide by the rules like a responsible adult, or do you want to make other living arrangements that give you more freedom? Likely tangent discussion: Yes, we still love you, but you’ve moved beyond the having-a-temper-tantrum-when-you-don’t-get-what-you-want stage of living with us. (Common sense rules, right? We have no magic wands to conjure more food if we don’t know you’re going to be here, we’re not going to make extra every night, but we STILL LOVE YOU!)
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 21, 2019 at 6:56 am 2 and 3 are in the house rules with my housemates and we’re all in our 30s. 1 is a little weird to me, but we don’t all sit down together to dinner, I just make dinner per the schedule in the kitchen (which is usually Mondays through Thursdays and also includes what each listed night’s dinner will be, Fridays and weekends are usually catch as catch can) and if people aren’t home at dinner time, they know where to find the leftovers or sandwich fixings. Maybe ask kid how they think the dinner thing should work, if sitting down to the table for dinner is important to them, with the caveat that “the rest of us just wait for your unannounced grand appearance” is not a viable option? Who knows, maybe they have an idea that will work for both of you. (Or maybe they’ll realize they’re being dippy and inconsiderate.)
ImJustHereForThePoetry* July 21, 2019 at 9:22 am My rules were more stringent as I still expected my kids to come home every night (and at a reasonable hour) They didn’t like it but I needed to sleep. They also got way more considerate as they older.
Parenthetically* July 21, 2019 at 4:17 pm Not excessive. You also don’t have to pick up the drama ball when he drops it. Shrug, calmly say, “Sorry, Taylor, if you let us know you’ll be home for dinner I’ll be sure to make enough for you, but since you didn’t, I assumed you wouldn’t be home. Same rule applies to all adults in this house,” and go back to eating. Re: rule 2, have you explained your thinking to your kid? And did you get buy-in from Kid when you laid down the rules?
KR* July 21, 2019 at 5:06 pm +1 this. I would def tell kid about your reasoning for #2. Phrase it like “I don’t need to know where you are I just would like to know whether to expect you home or not and to make sure you’re not in jail or in trouble.” And explain about your friend getting stranded. Also could you make enough for everyone if you’re not sure they’ll be home and put the rest aside as leftovers? They can just reheat whenever they get home
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 6:09 pm Also could you make enough for everyone if you’re not sure they’ll be home and put the rest aside as leftovers? They can just reheat whenever they get home Because depending on why Kid didn’t get home in time for supper, that food may go uneaten. That’s a lot of extra food (and often work) that could be mitigated with a simple phone call or text, or prearranged schedule.
smoke tree* July 21, 2019 at 5:49 pm No way! You’re being totally reasonable here. It sounds like your kid is probably caught in a weird place, being back home after having a taste of freedom. Not that that is a good excuse for being rude about this stuff, but it sounds like they simultaneously expect all the benefits of living with their parent without extending the same courtesy they probably would to another roommate. How much are you expecting them to help out around the house? In some ways, I wonder if asking them to contribute more, like they would with a roommate, would help establish more of a fellow-adults relationship and tone down the my-parents-are-hassling-me-again grumpiness.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 6:02 pm If it’s your kid claiming that you are “hovering and meddling” you can comfortable ignore them. They are learning the ropes of independence and need to figure out that independence does not equal “doing what you want, when you want with no limits and without repercussions.” On the supper thing you might want to tell them ONCE “I’m not a mind reader, nor am I about to waste food. You can either choose to always be home for supper / eat what I made cold when you come home OR you can decide when to join us and let me know in a timely fashion so I can make sure to take that into account.” And then just keep doing what you are doing. If it’s someone else who is saying this to you, then you need to know whether that person talks to your kid. If not, ignore them. If they do you may need to have a conversation with them – you’re rules are eminently reasonable and no one should be telling Kid otherwise. It’s really no favor to them.
MonteCristo85* July 22, 2019 at 2:02 pm Absolutely not. These are the absolute basic minimum requirements for sharing your space with other people. Roommates should give each other this courtesy.
Ktelzbeth* July 20, 2019 at 5:54 pm I didn’t see it above, so I’m starting the exercise thread. How is everyone doing? I had a low exercise week because of all the other things to do, but got back to it this morning with swimming and running at the gym. I signed up for a triathlon Labor Day weekend and it will be the first at olympic distance, which I expect to be able to do. I’m also signed up for one of my usual sprint triathlons on July 27. There’s an in-town four mile running race the next day which I might do. I don’t think that’s too crazy, right??? Then I have to figure out my August work schedule because there are potential triathlons Aug 3, 17, 24; trail races Aug 10, 24, Sept 21, Oct 5; and a local escalating distance road running race series culminating in a marathon July 28, Aug 11, 25, and Sept 8. So much to do and so little time! (Aside from the 12 mile and marathon runs, distances on all the races are within typical training distances for me, so not as crazy as it sounds.)
The Librarian (not the type from TNT)* July 20, 2019 at 8:43 pm Every time I think my plantar fasciitis is completely gone, I feel it a little. The woman I saw at the running shoe store was right when she called plantar fasciitis “insidious”. I can’t wait to be able to do a weekend long run again. But I’m really grateful that I can at least run every other day now, 4-5 miles each time. I’m not planning to do any more races this year, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to come back strong in 2020.
Marion Ravenwood* July 21, 2019 at 5:24 am Totally get that re: plantar fasciitis. I had a period like that for about six months last year – I’d think it was gone, start doing some smaller runs and it’d be fine, then go back to parkrun and it’d be like starting from scratch again. I really hope yours improves soon.
Aurion* July 20, 2019 at 9:04 pm Went back to the gym today by myself. I’ve been really slacking on the gym lately for a variety of reasons, and the only time I’ve been in the gym was to be the quasi personal trainer for my SIL (during which I do get time to myself to do my own stuff, but due to equipment and time I don’t get a full workout when I go with her). I was expecting a lot of setbacks. Instead, I PR’d on every single lift. :D
LGC* July 21, 2019 at 11:44 am I was wiped out yesterday because my dumb behind decided to go on a 15 mile long run. This was the same day that every outdoor event was cancelled due to the heat (I think NY Tri got cancelled, then I know there was a 5k at Teterboro that got cancelled). Most of the group started at 6 (a few started at 5), but it was still…not great! To go TMI, it was one of those days where I’d looked like I went full body into the pool. Including sneakers. (Note to runners: I have not tried the Clifton 6 yet, but I hope the upper is lighter than the 5! Or…I don’t know, maybe getting dragged into sub-7 miles when it’s 80 degrees and humid before 7 in the morning is just a recipe for disaster to begin with.) Right now, I need to get myself in gear to do a mile race next month. I’m HOPING I can run sub-4:40 (and maybe even sub-4:30) – it’ll be my “last hurrah” before I start grinding for NYC. Or second to last – I’m pretty sure I’m doing 5th Avenue if there’s space available still.
Teapot Translator* July 21, 2019 at 12:05 pm So, I have a question about those events that take so much time. What do you think about for that long?
LGC* July 21, 2019 at 2:44 pm It depends on the person and event, I think! Funny enough, SB Nation did a similar article about long, flat stages in the Tour de France recently – basically, they’re boring to watch, but the riders are generally on guard throughout (plus, there are intermediate sprints). For a triathlon, you have built-in transitions (T1 and T2), so even if the event is – say – four hours for an Olympic tri, it’s split up into multiple parts. I’m not sure how things balance out for that – it IS a longer event, but it’s also less monotonous to do! For me (roughly 3 hours for a marathon)…it’s basically keeping track of the race and what my plan is. A lot of the time I’m counting miles so I know that I should fuel at the correct interval, for example. If I know someone will be at a certain point, I’ll try to keep an eye out for them – I knew my parents were in Natick for Boston, and based on where they were I was trying to guess what side of the road they were on. (I think I guessed wrong, and I’m trying to figure out how they got across!) At New York, I saw a group of friends off the Queensboro, so I smiled for the camera. Five miles later, one of my other friends ran with me on 5th Avenue for a bit (I was at the point where I was NOT HAVING IT because I knew I was going to bonk hard). Sometimes, you get to appreciate (or not) landmarks. I remember seeing Tillie for the first time when I ran NJ last year, and thinking Heartbreak was a bit overstated at Boston. Although the Bronx has the second shortest mileage of the five boroughs (Staten Island is literally just the start), the energy of the people there was AMAZING. And then there’s the thoughts that I’d rather NOT have. Like, sometimes I just feel like everything hurts. (That’d be the second half of Boston.) Or that I’ve been doing this FOREVER and this is boring – which is partly why I count up and then down in marathons. (That way I don’t have to go past 13.) Or that I’ve done something absolutely stupid. And if things go well, my mind might be clear! I’m really neurotic, so this RARELY happens…but when it does, it’s great. So I guess, in summary – I think about EVERYTHING.
Blue Horizon* July 21, 2019 at 7:54 pm I did my first run up the local lookout hill in years last week, which I’m pretty happy about. It’s a bit under 200m high and has a lovely 360 degree view (I stopped to enjoy it for about 5 minutes before heading back). It was a slog getting up there, but that’s always been true. I’m gradually learning to unwind and enjoy running again after overcoming a string of injuries, so this was a nice milestone. (My trainer has been threatening to assign me more leg strengthening exercises or send me to a gym with machines I can use, and I’m not keen on adding more things to my routine, so bumping up the hill runs is my attempt to avoid that fate. We’ll see if it satisfies her).
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 8:01 am Hi, my comment is awaiting moderation, no bad words, so I’m not sure what happened. Hopefully Alison will see it and let it out :) OMG I am so tired, hot, and miserable. We don’t have central air, there are 2 small window units but they aren’t keeping up, and I feel like I may melt. I’ve been hiding in the basement where it’s cooler.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 6:10 pm How old are these units? It may make sense to get new ones (waiting for sales, perhaps) if they are really old. Otherwise, I hope all is going reasonably well.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 6:35 pm Not that old, the house is sort of big and brick and not much shade, so you get the idea. We should have had central air years ago, but if I remember correctly, Mom didn’t want the woodwork cut up for the ducts.
Observer* July 23, 2019 at 12:36 am I hope you see this. This looks likes it is going to be a hot summer. Make sure that those window units are properly sized. Most people only take the size of the room into consideration, but not the exposure. It sounds like that could be an issue here.
Good luck with that* July 21, 2019 at 11:21 pm This may be too obvious, but I just cleaned the dust filters on my A/C unit and it made SUCH a difference!
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 7:35 am Here – just sat down with some coffee, busy day yesterday and I wasn’t feeling great – I think it’s the heat. I’m not used to mid 90’s and high humidity. Yuck!!
NearlyWed* July 20, 2019 at 7:03 pm I’m newly engaged (yay!) and starting to think about the registry. My fiance and I already live together and we’re in our early 30s, so we have a lot of the basics that most people would register for (towels, sheets, dishes, a nice dutch oven). I plan on adding a few things to the registry that would be upgrades of what we already have (the larger Instant Pot because I like my smaller sized one so much, a Vitamix to replace our basic Target blender) but for the most part, I’m at a loss of what to add. I have no desire for china. What are some things I might be overlooking with the registry? Anything weird/unusual you added to yours that you ended up loving?
Alex* July 20, 2019 at 7:42 pm Can you just skip the registry? If there’s nothing that you need or want…why put it on a list? The script for people who ask you where you are registered: “We realized there wasn’t anything we needed or wanted, so we didn’t make one. Your presence at our wedding is gift enough.” Most people will probably give a gift anyway, but more of it might be in check form! And I assume you always have room for checks…
Washed Out Data Analyst* July 20, 2019 at 9:04 pm I would still recommend a registry, even if it is a few select items combined with a charity or honeymoon fund. Some people place value in bringing concrete gifts, and if you don’t have a registry, people will bring all kinds of random crap. (I remember the gifts my cousin received for his wedding because he didn’t have a registry – really ugly dinner sets, a creepy stuffed bird, and a total of six toasters!)
Pippa* July 20, 2019 at 7:54 pm Consider well made splurge priced utility items. We were given a beautiful hand made pepper grinder I touch every day and love using but would never have been able to purchase for myself.
Washi* July 20, 2019 at 8:15 pm We registered at REI and it was THE BEST. We also had all the household items we needed, but had never committed to getting camping equipment, though we love the outdoors. It worked out really well, because people who didn’t know what to get us had a list, and people who don’t like lists had a category of thing to inspire them, and got us some nifty things we didn’t think to put on the registry.
LizB* July 20, 2019 at 8:16 pm Congrats on your engagement! I’ve been engaged a little over a month now and we still need to figure out our registry, so I’ll be watching this thread with interest. Things I’ve seen on friends’ registries: – equipment for camping, skiing, or other expensive outdoorsy pursuits – video game consoles & various games to play on them – home gym equipment – nice luggage, ranging from big suitcases to picnic baskets & beach totes – some registries will have a honeymoon fund thing that you can divide into various experiences – so you register for a zip line tour or a spa day, but essentially what you’re getting is cash that would cover the cost of those experiences (but that you can spend as you wish) – others will let you include a charity or two of your choice so guests can easily donate in your honor
Reba* July 20, 2019 at 10:02 pm Yes, I like the honeymoon experience-based funds! I think it’s a nice compromise because it doesn’t look like you’re simply asking for money (not my beef, but some people still object) but the discreet experiences are more like gift-gifts that people can feel they are picking out for you. We gave friends part of their safari package, someone gave us a behind the scenes tour of an opera house.
LibbyG* July 20, 2019 at 9:01 pm We had a hippie registry where you could mix links to particular products with more general ideas. One thing we asked for was board games. It was fun to get peoples’ favorites!
Aurora Leigh* July 21, 2019 at 10:44 am Congrats! Me too! :) We haven’t started our registry yet, so I’m curious to see suggestions. A lot of kitchen stuff is mismatched hand me downs, so I’ll probably add some replacements. And I love the idea of camping stuff and board games, too!
Aealias* July 21, 2019 at 2:02 pm Good knives! Also, if you just register with one place, you’ll probably get some gift cards to that store. That lets you combine gifts for a bigger-ticket item. We bought a great knife set, a heavy duty vacuum, and some sturdy household dans with ours. Friend put an air popcorn popper on theirs, which was nice cause it was a lower-price point item. You want a registry to have a range of options. Finally, you can always upgrade with gifts. Higher thread-count sheets. A set of glasses that all have the same design. Towel sets that MATCH! My favourite gifts were pot-sets. We got two, and I traded out the first set for the second on our 10-yr anniversary.
They Don’t Make Sunday* July 21, 2019 at 2:14 pm Flatware if you don’t already like yours. Placemats and cloth napkins. Coasters. A cooler? Love the board games idea above.
Policy wonk* July 21, 2019 at 7:34 pm Please register. Go to somplace like Crate and Barrel or Target where you can register for practical stuff you can use. People are going to buy you stuff anyway and if you don’t register it will be stuff you don’t want from places you don’t know. I got five identical small crystal clocks. I registered but the clocks were on sale at that store, so five different guests thought they’d be perfect. (They supposedly weren’t returnable, but when I walked in with five the manager relented. Mi kept one, he gave me store credit for the other four.) My sister-in-law got seven chip and dip sets. Another friend got several crock pots – none with any kind of receipt so she gave the extras away to friends And a cousin who was considered “arty” got some of the strangest gifts I’ve ever seen. If you register you will at least have a shot at getting something you want or can use.
NewReadingGlasses* July 21, 2019 at 8:27 pm Tools, if you don’t have them. Needle nose pliers, hammer, pruning clippers, etc.
Me--Blargh!* July 20, 2019 at 7:16 pm Ugh, I know people don’t like to look at a house with the owner hovering, but I don’t like it when people are in my space without me being here. It weirds me out a little. Also, I’m only slightly packed, since I have no idea right now if I’ll end up staying in BiggerCity or going further away. I don’t know what I’ll need or what I can let go of, or how much it’ll cost to replace stuff, etc. It’s annoying, because I’m still living here, and I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING. I already packed some things I can probably go back through, once the garage is cleared of donation items. On the bright side, my house is neater than it’s been since I moved in, haha. I know you accumulate stuff after being in a place for 16 years, but it’s like a clown car — it just keeps coming! You’d be proud of me, though. I got rid of a LOT of craft junk, even though I still have more than I probably should and can cull further. I might even be able to get it all into two tubs. I sold the biggest and most space-hogging unfinished doll’s house, have listed another, and the only assembled one I’m keeping is the tiny 1/2-inch scale one. If I DO go out west, I won’t see the things I’m keeping for quite a while. It’s hard to know what to save. I also need to rehearse putting stuff in the car, just in case, to see what will fit in the trunk. I mean, it’s a long shot, but somebody said to me today, “The only way it’s impossible is if you didn’t fill out that application!”
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 8:39 pm But the real estate agent is there. You really shouldn’t be in the house. Which will soon not be yours. But you know that! Congrats on the progress.
bunniferous* July 20, 2019 at 9:24 pm Yes, this. You want them to be able to speak freely while they are there and if you are there that is not happening.
Reba* July 20, 2019 at 10:03 pm Way to go on decluttering!! You are in the middle of an extremely annoying stage — have to keep house unnaturally tidy, while still living there — but things are happening!
Aurora Leigh* July 20, 2019 at 11:21 pm Yay you! Things are happening! I feel you on the decluttering — it’s hard! I just took a few bags of donations to the library — now I have 2 empty shelves on my bookcases! But there is so much stuff in the garage that I haven’t looked at in a year . . . it needs to go to Goodwill more than likely. I moved way more stuff than I should have last summer, but I just felt to unsettled to part with anything.
Me--Blargh!* July 21, 2019 at 1:57 pm There is a thrift store for the state council for the blind here. I like to donate to them. My blind friend encourages that too, haha. They won’t take books anymore, however, because they have a hard time getting rid of them, but our excellent library system takes donations of books all year round for their big sales. I’ve been dragging stuff over there and filling up carts as I purge. The only thing I can’t donate are my stupid textbooks. I can’t sell them back, either; they’re outdated. My forensics textbook came shrink-wrapped and literally says NOT FOR RESALE on it! I picked out some I want to keep for writing reference — law enforcement practices are notoriously slow to change and I have a digital subscription to an evidence technology trade magazine so I can keep current on forensics. I guess I’ll have to toss the rest.
tangerineRose* July 21, 2019 at 2:03 am Last time after I moved, I wish I had organized it so that each box was from 1 room only (or maybe sometimes from 2 rooms only). I have a lot of books, so a big priority for me was to pack boxes half with books and half with something light so I could carry the boxes. Hope it goes well!
Weegie* July 21, 2019 at 2:39 am You will soon find you can live without almost everything in those boxes. In fact, when you come to unpack them again you’ll wonder why you ever thought you’d need the things you’ve kept! (I had everything bar the basics in boxes for a year while I was between houses, and now that I’m unpacking I’m wondering why I have SO MUCH STUFF!). A clear-out is good – you’ll enjoy the fresh start when it comes.
Me--Blargh!* July 21, 2019 at 11:34 am I know. But the shitty part is that I don’t know where or when the start will happen. And nobody seems to want anything I put out there–no bites on stuff I have for sale, only two viewings so far of the house, no response on job applications, etc. etc. etc. I’m afraid this isn’t going to be the beginning of something but the end of everything.
Me--Blargh!* July 21, 2019 at 2:01 pm I just saw Pearl outside with her little dog (I let her pee in my yard–it’s no big deal since the stray cats poo on it all the time), and she said she was going to talk to her banker on Monday. She said Fergusina wants to rent the house (and that she was going to get a big fat deposit from her because of her doggos). FINGERS CROSSED
LizB* July 20, 2019 at 7:35 pm Hi folks! Wedding planning continues apace, and here I am with a guest list question, or maybe just a series of unfortunate facts more than a question… My extended family is huge on my dad’s side and small on my mom’s side, and FianceB’s extended family is small on both sides. He’s fairly equally close to both sides of his family, but I’m definitely closer to my mom’s side — I grew up geographically close to most of them, and most of my first cousins on that side are similar ages to me & my sibilings, My paternal first cousins range from mid-30s to not quite crawling yet and live scattered over a couple of continents. And there are a LOT of them. Some thoughts I’ve been having… – A lot of the venues we’re looking at and loving are going to require us to make some guest list cuts. – It’s very important to both of us to have plenty of friends at the wedding. – If we say we’re cutting off the guest list at aunts & uncles, so no first cousins at all are invited, that seems to throw out a whole lot of baby with the bathwater. I love some of my cousins and would really value having them there. Also, there are some cousins I’m much closer to than some of my aunts & uncles, honestly. – It seems extremely risky to invite all the cousins and just hope the ones I don’t care about don’t show. Yes, they will all be traveling to attend, so we’ll have some attrition, but Murphy’s Law probably means that my least favorites will be the ones to make the trek. – I think I would catch seven kinds of hell from various family members if we invited all of his first cousins and all of my maternal first cousins, but only some of my paternal first cousins. – FianceB is taking the position that it’s our wedding, we’re paying for it, so we should invite people we want there, which would probably include just favorite cousins from all the various categories (his vs mine vs the various sides). Heeeeeeeeeelp *slowly melts into a stress puddle*
Washi* July 20, 2019 at 8:11 pm I think it kind of depends. If you’re having a small-medium wedding, and have like 15+ cousins, I think most people would be understanding if you invite 2-3 of your clearly super close cousins. One of my friends has 33 first cousins, and just invited the 2 who she is close to and are her age to her wedding, and people understood. However, if you’re having a fairly large wedding, it starts getting harder and harder to justify the “close handful” approach with cousins, and if you’re close with 10 cousins out of 15, then yeah, you kinda have to invite the other 5. Same with aunts and uncles, I think. My husband and I really struggled with this because we would have loved to have like a 30 person wedding, but the way “units” of family and friend groups worked out, it would either have to be like 15 people or 70 people if we didn’t want to offend anyone. We ended up choosing the 70 option and did a much more budget-conscious wedding (Indian buffet at a local events center). It was great! But there were definitely cons and I think I would have been equally happy going the tiny wedding route. So basically this is all to say that unless you’re a millionaire, you really can’t have it all when it comes to weddings. Someone will be offended, something will be more expensive than you would have liked…you just have to figure out what your priorities are and be able to let the other stuff go.
Reba* July 20, 2019 at 10:23 pm I don’t know if this will work for you, but here is what we did: a second reception in a different place, where many of these (to be indelicate) second-priority relatives attended. I am close to some of my non-numerous cousins. My spouse is not close to any of his 50 (!!) first cousins, but we generally like them and his mom is close with all their her and family is a big thing for them. My people are generally congregated in one region (with a couple big exceptions), his people are concentrated in another, 2000 miles away. Friends are all over, almost all of them were going to be traveling. We had the ceremony in my hometown. It was still pretty big, about 100 people. Then a couple weeks later we had another reception out in his extended family’s region, which both maternal (many) and paternal (few) sides attended. Both events were on the main invitation and treated pretty equally as options, but I think it was understood pretty well that the second reception was “for” this group of relatives — somehow we ended up looking thoughtful, not cheap :) This worked really well, for a few reasons. Spouse’s people come from a tradition in which it’s normal not to witness the ceremony and just get together after. We hosted it in the beautiful yard of some relatives, which was generous of them, family friendly, and helped with the cost! We could take this time off work and still do our honeymoon. And, a few dear friends actually took the option of the 2nd reception, as it was closer to their homes and made their attendance possible. Likewise, a handful of Spouse’s people found it more convenient to do the first one. So that was a lovely bonus. ANYWAY that’s sort of unique but that’s what we did. I think it would also work to have a VERY intimate wedding and then another more casual party, not quite on its heels, that’s open to more people — does the paternal group ever do family reunions, to which you could peg a party? I agree with Washi about the proportions thing. It’s like the rule of thumb from kindergarten: invite well below half OR invite all.
Reba* July 20, 2019 at 10:25 pm Oh yeah, please also take this question to the A Practical Wedding community!
LizB* July 20, 2019 at 11:09 pm I wish my paternal folks were all gathered in one place so I could do that! Sadly, both of our families and various friend groups are spread across the country (and beyond in some cases), so there aren’t really two separate locations that make sense to celebrate at. We just had a family reunion last month for that side of my family, which just confirmed for me that holy wow there are SO MANY of them how will we do this?! I’m kind of hoping the proportions thing works out, otherwise we’ll probably be doing the invite-em-all-and-pray strategy. Looking at my mega-list, I have 32 first cousins on that side. There are 2 I was close with growing up, 1 more I didn’t know all that well growing up but get along with really well as an adult. I could maybe make those proportions work?? Or if I did just the ones who are my age or younger, that would be 9 out of 32. I guess I have to talk to my dad, though, because I’m sure he’ll have some opinions. Oof.
Washi* July 21, 2019 at 9:39 am Inviting 3/32 cousins sounds very reasonable to me! 32 cousins plus I assume 20+ significant others = 50 ish people. That’s…a lot. And can really change the feel (and cost!) of a wedding. I tend to be kind of cold hearted when it comes to things like this, but I would be really cautious about inviting that many people purely for the sake of politeness. It will be easy for other people in your family to say that you should invite everyone because they won’t have to pay for it, but I wouldn’t do it out of obligation or fear of offending someone.
Aurora Leigh* July 21, 2019 at 11:20 am Yes, 3 out of 32 shouldn’t make anyone feel left out! Also, I thought my fiance has a lot of first cousins, but he only has 10! I have 1 that we are speaking terms with so sometimes his family overwhelms me lol.
Not A Manager* July 21, 2019 at 12:43 am “I think I would catch seven kinds of hell from various family members if we invited all of his first cousins and all of my maternal first cousins, but only some of my paternal first cousins.” Suck it up. The laws of physics limit how many people you can jam into one space, and the laws of finance limit how many of them you can pay for. Well-meaning adults understand this.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 8:24 am I had almost this exact issue. What I ended up doing was sending the invites out in two rounds – asking the first set to rsvp by 6weeks before the wedding so the second set received their invites 6 weeks before. My dad’s side and some “2nd-tier” friends were on the second list. That way I was able to see how many spaces I had for my dad’s side. This only worked because my dad’s side and mams side don’t really interact. I ended up being able to invite all the aunts and uncles I actually know from my dad’s side, plus three whole families of cousins and their partners. That seemed to work well. People understand that you aren’t equally close with each family and won’t be annoyed if you invite one set of cousins and not another set. But in general if you invite one sibling and not another, that causes bad feeling. So you kind of have to invite all the cousins in a family or none. Another thing people are very sensitive about is inviting partners. Generally if someone is married you are expected to invite both spouses, regardless of how tenuous your relationship. However if you are inviting spouses you have to invite long term unmarried partners, otherwise people will feel like you are criticising their decision not to get married. If you invite long term partners then you are expected to invite short term partners otherwise people will feel like you are dismissing their new relationship. It gets very political very quickly. I solved this by just inviting every spouse and long term partner by name and everyone else with a plus one, and assumed the single people wouldn’t bring anyone. None of the single people brought anyone. Thankfully i don’t know anyone in a poly relationship – I can’t even imagine the family politics that would cause!
Reba* July 21, 2019 at 8:50 am re: people “won’t be annoyed” — I mean, some people *will* be annoyed. (Hopefully they will keep it to themselves.) That doesn’t mean what you are doing is unreasonable, though!
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 12:44 pm Yeah I think that only applies to big families. I have 33 cousins on that side, some of whom I have never met, so it was definitely understandable that I didn’t invite them all! If I had 10 cousins and i invited 5 I can see people being annoyed.
NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser* July 21, 2019 at 12:55 pm The only suggestion I haven’t seen is to do the flip side. I elected to invite only the 4 closest friends to the wedding/reception itself, and we had a separate party for the friends after. * YMMV – in my family, we are BIG on family, and weddings/funerals are the only time we gather, pretty much. (No regular family reunions). I was happy I did it – in hindsight. Within 5 years 4 of the elderly relatives were gone. Within 10 years, only 2 of the 4 friends were still in the circle. And now that I’m in a new stage of life (not married) some of those cousins that came – or who were invited but couldn’t come – are a meaningful part of my life. I annually see the ones in SCAL who were not there, for example. I am connected via facebook (we have a family group) as well as correspond with the kids of those elderly relatives – the my-age-adult cousins. So keeping those connections turned out to be important 25 years later. The party/friend reception – was a solid option for us.
Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus* July 20, 2019 at 7:41 pm Been binge-listening to Folding Ideas on YouTube today. Holy crap he’s amazing. I am definitely adding him to my sub list. Who’s your favorite YouTube critic/analysis channel(s)?
Marion Ravenwood* July 21, 2019 at 5:33 am I’m not quite sure if this is the type of thing you mean, but I really like Grady Smith. He used to be a writer for Entertainment Weekly and the Guardian, and now has a YouTube channel and a podcast where he talks critically about country music (and occasionally other things). For me I think he strikes a really good balance between being in-depth and knowledgeable, but also accessible and fun.
Dr. KMnO4* July 21, 2019 at 9:27 am I love Jim Sterling. He is, imo, a true video game journalist. His videos are always well researched and really examine the issues in the video game industry. I really enjoy Yahtzee’s show, Zero Punctuation. He’s a video game reviewer and his videos are pretty funny. I would classify both of them as NSFW and decidedly not for young people.
bibliovore* July 21, 2019 at 11:45 am sorry. The real question is work/life balance and I thought that was okay. If I am still thinking about this I will post on a Friday thread.
xxx9* July 20, 2019 at 8:26 pm Are there any recs for how to comfortably listen to music while running? Should I invest in AirPods or maybe a more affordable Bluetooth headphone (any recs of this end)?
Zoey* July 20, 2019 at 8:47 pm Wireless headphones def help to motivate me when working out. There are cheaper options so pick whatever works for your ears and your budget. Good luck
xxx9* July 21, 2019 at 9:35 pm I’ll start by buying a cheaper pair in a style that might work better than the earbud/wire set I have now then invest in a nicer pair. Thank you for the well wishes!! Wireless feels like less of a chance to get all tangled up, which is my usual problem.
WellRed* July 20, 2019 at 9:06 pm There’s a thread further up about this topic with suggestions, too.
acmx* July 20, 2019 at 9:51 pm I have Aftershokz, Bluetooth version. They’re bone conduction so they sit forward of your ears not in them.
Runner* July 21, 2019 at 12:15 pm I also have a pair of Aftershokz. I love them, they’re comfortable and since they are bone conduction you can still hear cars coming if you run in a neighborhood with no sidewalks
xxx9* July 21, 2019 at 9:33 pm I have never heard of these. That design is wild – not even in the ear! This is a top contender. Might be a little paranoid that everyone will hear my NSFW podcast though, ha!
Lilysparrow* July 20, 2019 at 10:45 pm I like sports headphones that hook over my ears and have silicone funnels on them. I find the round “bud” shape very uncomfortable. I don’t mind a wire, but my newest ones have a clip to hold the upper end stable. That’s a nice feature.
Elizabeth West* July 21, 2019 at 2:26 pm Yeah, I like the ones that hook over my ears so they don’t come off while I’m walking. I also use them to listen to podcasts when I’m cleaning. Earbuds in general bother me, but I found some cheap ones that work okay.
xxx9* July 21, 2019 at 9:40 pm I have always used bud earphones and depending on the day, these get so uncomfortable and one always seems to fall out once I hit my stride. Hook over ear & no buds seems to be the common rec between this and the Aftershokz so that should be my direction for sure. As long as there is a clip and not too long, a wire also wouldn’t be the end of the world. I think the ease of just having the earphones in and not having to worry about the clip coming undone would be helpful though.
Jaid* July 20, 2019 at 8:28 pm Aw, man. It was so hot, my A/C couldn’t get down below 80 degrees, even when being set at 70. The problem with being on the top floor of an apartment building, I guess. At least it wasn’t iced over!
The Librarian (not the type from TNT)* July 20, 2019 at 8:36 pm I feel your pain. My wife and I used to live on the sixth floor of a 6 story apartment building with really high ceilings. Our undersized AC could not cool our living room below 90 degrees!
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 2:33 am The problem with being on the top floor of an apartment building, I guess. Yes! The lower-floor people would say, “Just open the window!” And I thought they thought I was stupid. Turns out, when my place was 80° with unmitigated Sun, they had shade and a delicious breeze. Not worth the noise, but I like knowing they’re not just cold-blooded.
Ramanon* July 21, 2019 at 11:46 am Yeah, my AC has been broken since June, and the cats and I have all been staying huddled on the bathroom floor out of everyone’s way. Hope yours starts working again soon.
Jaid* July 21, 2019 at 7:02 pm Here’s to wearing the Bejing Bikini. Seriously, my A/C is not keeping up with the heat, dangit. I hope everybody was ok this weekend!
Ali G* July 20, 2019 at 8:48 pm We made it through week 2 of renovations. Things are going well! I commented a few weeks back about my “she pantry.” I totally bought a chandelier for my pantry. It’s my little safe space in my new walk-in pantry. I can’t wait! It’s going to be so cute.
LibbyG* July 20, 2019 at 8:57 pm Anyone else remember back in April when an AAM reader was asking for ideas for a moon-landing 50th birthday party today? https://www.askamanager.org/2019/04/weekend-free-for-all-april-13-14-2019.html Are you around, party-thrower? How did it go?
Amber Rose* July 20, 2019 at 9:46 pm Doctor stuff. Bleh. My endocrinologist wants me to email him regularly about what I’m up to instead of booking appointments but like… I have no idea what to say. He thinks he’s the reason I’m doing so well and he isn’t. He told me that the key to my health was to lose weight and I could do it by not eating anything white (flour, sugar, pasta etc.) and I got so mad because I’ve been hearing that stuff my whole life and it doesn’t work. In my fit of despair over Then I went back and my bad numbers had dropped by half he was like, “see? No white stuff, it works,” and my husband was snickering in the background while I bit my tongue. So that’s when he said to email him lots but I mean. I feel like I know more than he does and I dunno what I’d email him. Thanks for nothing? Your advice is bad and you should feel bad? It feels like a waste of time.
Kuododi* July 20, 2019 at 11:51 pm I have access to all of my healthcare providers through a MyChart feature available through DH employer. I have providers who are caring, compassionate and on top of the game in their particular specialties. I have others who are quite good at their jobs however a bit “personality challenged.”. With all of them, I keep in touch if there’s any changes which might impact my overall treatment. (For example, I recently updated my endo due to some med changes related to the cancer in case those changes might affect overall decisions about thyroid/diabetes care.). I’ve certainly had my squabbles with Drs over my body size. (I’m quick to remind them all of my routine labs are trending downward. The majority of my labs have resolved themselves to within normal limits.). I have fired Drs without a hiccup b/c one of my primary rules about healthcare providers is “Don’t treat me like the village idiot.”. Best regards!!!
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 2:36 am In my fit of despair over What’s missing here? Can your husband not step in and shut this crap down?
Amber Rose* July 21, 2019 at 10:53 am Oh weird, a sentence got removed. It was supposed to say after the whole mess where my doctor refused to renew the meds I need to function. I came here panicking and crying and people were like no, your doctor is the one who sucks. After that I started getting my own shit together.
Enough* July 21, 2019 at 12:24 am I would suggest that you be very clear with this doctor about what works for you. He is not going to change or learn something anything if you don’t say something to him. It sounds like he’s trying to help you but he won’t be able to if you aren’t truthful with him.
Amber Rose* July 21, 2019 at 10:54 am He’s literally never been helpful. My appointments with him are five minute affairs where he tells me I’m sick because I’m fat. Or, most recently, I’m more sick because I’m less fat.
Amber Rose* July 21, 2019 at 10:54 am No. Endocrinologists are rare af. There’s like two, and I don’t get to pick who I see.
Kuododi* July 21, 2019 at 2:31 pm A couple of random thoughts which may or may not be a help. 1. It is certainly worth a conversation to see if your primary care doctor is able to manage endo issues for the indefinite future. I’ve done that at points in my life for various reasons. The idea is to have primary care to manage things while they are relatively stable. If at any point they take a turn for the worse, then revisit the issue of finding a good endocrinologist. 2. It would be worth some phone calls to investigate if there are better quality endocrinologist in the surrounding area. If you explain to your insurance that there is no local endocrinologist to manage your particular medical concerns it is possible (emphasis on “possible.”). To get an exception for the insurance to cover the $$$for someone normally out of network. (There was a point in time where I would drive from SC to GA for endocrinologist and gyn oncology care). Hope this is in some way helpful. Best wishes to you.
Amber Rose* July 21, 2019 at 4:14 pm I appreciate the thought, but I’m not American so insurance is not an issue, and I don’t get to choose my specialists.
Not So NewReader* July 21, 2019 at 12:00 pm Then just don’t email him? He probably forgot about that the moment you walked out of the room. I think you are putting far more thought into this than he ever will. From what I see docs are pretty busy and just don’t retain this type of stuff. FWIW, my husband quit his Endo Doc. The problem that triggered his actual leaving was that she had NO personality. NONE. She was as cold as a stone. But there were other problems such as over reliance on drugs and what have you. She is the only one in our area. So the complaints about her span a large area. One person told me they were in the dire condition they were in because of her. Hubs found his GP did a better job over all.
Free Meerkats* July 20, 2019 at 11:31 pm Thoughts on Instagram hiding number of “Likes” so people don’t compare themselves to others and feel bad? https://abc11.com/technology/instagram-test-hides-how-many-likes-your-photos-get-/5407998/ My personal opinion is “get over yourself, you vain attention seeker”, but I don’t think I’ve ever even looked at the number of likes any of my posts have gotten.
tangerineRose* July 21, 2019 at 2:06 am I look at the number of likes and feel pleased when there are some, but it’s not that big a deal to me. I guess some people just need to do a lot of comparing?
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 2:37 am So they’re hiding their way to measure self-worth? That’s worse. It makes sense that it is important to some people, that it functions as intended.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 10:30 am I think that’s harsh, though, especially considering how many Instagram users are kids and how much of a currency this is in some groups. Plus it’s human to focus on ratings number (says the woman with a thread above about Uber ratings :-)).
Not So NewReader* July 21, 2019 at 12:07 pm Right idea, wrong reason? Who cares how many people like or dislike something, it doesn’t matter at all. It’s a bunch of nothing. However this whole idea of protecting people from their own emotions is quite concerning. Families of alcoholics have this tendency and it does not work out well usually.
Elizabeth West* July 21, 2019 at 2:31 pm I’m on Instagram so seldom since it’s photo-based and there’s not a lot of Insta-worthy stuff around my current location. I’m very boring on Instagram; I mostly post food and clouds and shit like that. I take more notice of my likes on Twitter, where I spend more time, but my self-esteem doesn’t take a hit when I don’t get many. I only have about 1200 followers. When you consider some people have literal millions, nobody is really looking at me!
chi chan* July 21, 2019 at 1:01 am How do people handle weirdly competitive relatives? I have an aunt who may visit soon who has often compared my cousins to me. My mom went on two vacations and my aunt went to the same places soon after and bragged how she had more days there and had a better experience. It is weird and I am not really close to her but I want to not share any news with her either.
tangerineRose* July 21, 2019 at 2:07 am Maybe say “that’s nice” a lot (even when it’s annoying) and try to change the subject? I had a relative who had certain pet peeves, and one way I dealt with it was to change the subject to a pet peeve that I agreed with – she’d talk about it, and it didn’t bother me.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 2:40 am Aggressively agree? ~No one in the history of ever has had a better time than you, Aunt Persimmons! ~Nero himself never had a moment of joy compared to you! ~She’s too kind to say it, but my mom wishes she could’ve astral projected into you to give birth to me! I hope she didn’t go to those places specifically to one-up your mom, when lying is so much better and easier, because, wow, that would be serious.
chi chan* July 21, 2019 at 7:44 am This made me laugh. I don’t think she went on purpose. She just has a fixed conversational style.
Marion Ravenwood* July 21, 2019 at 5:37 am Honestly, I think for me personally it would be a good thing. I know I’ve had issues in the past where I’ve gotten a bit too… involved, shall we say, with this type of thing, and taking that option away would probably be very beneficial, as it would mean I’d spend less time on social media generally (something I am trying to cut back on currently, but anything that would help with that would be a bonus).
Not So NewReader* July 21, 2019 at 12:18 pm Her: “I went to X, I stay y more days than you did and I had a better experience!” Mom: “Okay. You win!” I love doing this because people don’t know what to say. What have they won? Nothing. They have won NOTHING. I do the same thing with people who want to argue a ridiculous point. “There was a purple elephant outside!” No, not really. “Yes, really, I saw it. It was a purple elephant. [Insert several minutes of talk about the purple elephant.] Okay. You win. There was a purple elephant outside. I get it. You win. For those competitive people, telling them they won is just so darn freeing for me. I don’t have to defend my modest vacation/house/car/whatever. “You win! Your car is better than mine!” Ahhh, my life goes on in spite of my “crappy” car. I like leaving them to wonder how I cope with inferior vacations/car/house. Sadly, this is a person who will never, ever learn to be content.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 12:48 pm Just remember people like that are usually really unhappy in themselves. I have an aunt who boasts constantly and half of it is blatant lies. She’s really insecure and I think she doesn’t like her real life much. It’s a shame because she has a heart of gold and would do anything for you. She’s a really nice person but I find it really hard to spend time with her it’s just exhausting.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 1:51 am Mom and grandma update: Grandma has been too weak to walk or stand since Monday afternoon. The doctors, after several days, determined that she has a UTI and she is now on antibiotics. They seem to be helping and mom thinks that she is stronger today. One of the problems is that grandma doesn’t want to be a bother, so she keeps trying to get up without help and falling. I am now sitting in her room on fall watch so mom can get some sleep, since last night mom tried asking grandma to ask for help when she needs to get up but she tried to walk on her own and fell again instead. I’ll wake mom up for her shift in the early morning – I’ve been on since about 6:30 pm so mom slept the early shift. This is not even slightly sustainable. Technically, I have the next several weeks off from work and can just make this my life now. However, I’m in a “caring” profession, this is a long break I specifically set aside because compassion fatigue was becoming overwhelming, and I need to be able to get back to work after this ready to care again or I really won’t be able to do my best work. I can’t abandon mom and grandma, but I can’t let this be all I do for the next few weeks either. I am so frustrated that this kind of care falls completely on family members with no real societal plan. We’re not going to just let grandma stay fallen on the floor, but this is currently consuming all of my mother’s time to the point where she is only getting to sleep right now because I dropped my plans and came over. We could theoretically take this in alternating 12 hour shifts indefinitely and both get enough sleep, but that feels like two people basically lighting their lives on fire, possibly for years, and guys, I just can’t. I love my mom and I love my grandma, but I can’t make this my life now. I have to go back to work in August so I can pay my mortgage, and I want to live my life, maybe even have a baby fairly soon, and I can just feel everyone’s world getting smaller the frailer grandma gets. And no, she doesn’t qualify for Medicaid. She has a pension rather than a retirement account, so she has a a monthly income she can’t spend down and thus will always make too much money to qualify. However, she doesn’t make enough for private pay assisted living.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 2:45 am Is there a nurse line or adult services you can call for advice? Her GP? Is there anyone she trusts who can point out she’s making things worse and you need her to help you help her?
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 1:36 pm It’s really hard to get a read on how she’s doing cognitively right now. She has always been the type who is quiet and … non-confrontationally stubborn? If that’s a thing? Her entire life from early childhood until grandpa died was spent dealing with managing a series of strong personalities that she would not overtly win arguments against (she’s the youngest of 4 siblings, and I can say this with confidence having spent time with 2 out of the 3 older ones), so I suspect that her lifelong strategy when she feels pressured to agree with something is to agree with whatever it is and then try to sneak around it rather than try to prevail in the argument phase. So anyway, I have no idea if she is actually forgetting that she’s too weak to get out of bed (this is not an equilibrium thing – her legs will not support her weight) due to cognitive issues that may or may not be related to the UTI, or if she knows that she’s “not supposed to” get out of bed but is trying to “get around the rules” and hoping that this time she will be strong enough not to bother mom. (She can’t get up out of a chair or off the toilet due to this new weakness, but she has a crafty gravity-based strategy for getting out bed so the failure state on that is “fell on the floor” rather than “still seated in the chair”, unfortunately.) Arguing with someone who actually can’t cognitively track or retain what’s going on is an exhausting waste of time that will, at best, make her feel guilty for a while, and I really don’t know if that’s what’s going on or not.
Cheesesteak in Paradise* July 21, 2019 at 3:15 pm This may be weird but could you get her a recliner to sleep in or a hospital bed with rails?
Jen Erik* July 21, 2019 at 3:41 am No suggestions, just sympathy for you and your mum. It’s not sustainable. I’m sure you’ve thought of all this, but we found a pressure mat helpful, that buzzed when mum got out of bed – though even through the Alzheimer’s she hated the noise enough to learn to try and avoid it. And I used a baby camera, so I could watch her if I went into the kitchen for something. (Ethically, that felt a bit dubious – I did explain, and get her permission, but she really didn’t remember.) And even short breaks were helpful – we had six hours of care, I think – which let me get showered safely – any extra time you can get from other people will help your mum. But even with my husband and children pitching in on weekends I couldn’t have managed for much longer than I had to. Oh, another thing that someone said that helped was that old people fall, even in nursing homes. So you can do your absolute best, but don’t feel guilty if an accident happens.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 1:59 pm We’ve thought about a bed alarm, but we’re not sure there would be enough delay between it going off and her falling for someone to get in there and help her. Right now, the failure state is that her legs collapse on her when she tries to stand up because she’s too weak for them to support her weight. (This is new as of Monday, and hopefully now that she’s been on antibiotics for a couple of days she will start to regain her strength. Her previous set of falls in May she fell backwards in the middle of the hallway on the way back from the restroom, so presumably a somewhat different situation. She stopped doing that, but now here we are in July with a new fall-problem.) Since mom uses a CPAP, I’m pretty sure if she were Actually Asleep (rather than sitting in a chair in grandma’s room playing tablet games in the dark to stay awake while keeping an eye on sleeping grandma – fall watch for someone who won’t notify you and wait to be watched before trying to get up suuuuuucks), she wouldn’t have enough warning between the alarm going off and grandma falling to parse the noise, wake up, get her mask off, get up, and catch grandma before she collapsed once the bed alarm went off. (But it’s something to keep in mind if she improves back to the point of “may fall on the way back from the restroom” since that would give a clear 5 minutes warning of the need.) Mom’s husband seems to be noping out of actual helping in favor of catastrophizing with occasional drinking (he is worried that we will all be in trouble for Elder Abuse since she has fallen a few times in our care, despite the fact that we are in close contact with her doctor, have a variety of people such as a PT coming in regularly, are generally doing everything we can here, and none of the professionals in question have told us that anything about her situation is at all abusive or in need of fixing in that sense) and in some cases refusing solutions due to general paranoia about (a) anything that connects to the internet and (b) anything that would lead to strangers in the house. He also does things like decide to “check on” everyone, which last night involved waking grandma from a nap in her recliner (since he didn’t come into the room quietly enough to see if she was asleep before “checking on her” and scolding her to drink more water – I might add that I was sitting in a chair next to her this entire time, so she did not need to be checked on particularly), and then GOING INTO THE BEDROOM TO ALSO CHECK ON MOM DURING HER SLEEP SHIFT AND WAKING HER UP, which I very nearly screamed at him for. He just…doesn’t crisis well? I don’t know. I wouldn’t have married him to start with, but fighting with mom about my stepfather would not make anything better right now. The other two grandkids are (kid 1) a flight away and in the first year of a new high-level position that’s why she moved a flight away from family and (kid 2) parenting two children under the age of 7, so also not on-deck for grandma caregiving shifts. Grandma’s son (my uncle) was emailed about all of this on Monday and has not written back, but his wife already told us that she is getting too old to do this kind of care anymore because she can’t lift grandma once she falls so I suspect they’re both out. I’m guessing mom will be escalating to phone calls to contact him today (she’d spent a lot of the week waiting to hear back about the urine sample and trying to schedule some other medical pieces, and so staying off the phone otherwise).
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 6:21 pm Maybe getting a social worker or someone like that would be useful here. At minimum, to get Mom’s husband to either be ACTUALLY helpful or out of the mix (no “checking on people”, etc. and he doesn’t get a vote on solutions.) Also, to identify possible resources. Medicare can sometimes provide some help, although limited in comparison to Medicaid.
Jen Erik* July 22, 2019 at 5:23 am I’m so sorry. No, I don’t think the pressure mat would help then, because, by definition it only starts making a noise when the feet touch it. In hospital my mum had a different device, that clipped on to her nightdress and attached on the other end to the bed so that if she sat up, it was pulled off and the nurse was alerted. In the rehabilitation ward they used rails as well as the pressure mats – but I did see one confused patient try and climb over the rails, so it would be a judgment call as to whether that would help. My mum was in a nursing home for the last fortnight of her life, by which time she was catherterised, and there they put a mattress on the floor by the bed – I presume the thought was that if she did fall, the fall would be cushioned. In all cases, if there’s always someone right by the bed, the devices probably aren’t that useful. I found asking everyone (as you’re doing) helpful. As I say, my mum had six hours care, and the care assistants clearly saw a lot of different people. I was waiting to be trained on how to bathe my mum, because I was nervous about that – but in the meantime I got the care assistants to show me, and they all had tips to share. Maybe if you could tap into that sort of expertise, they’d have tips for your situation. I’m so sorry I can’t be more useful.
Asenath* July 21, 2019 at 5:16 am You can’t do that 24/7 – you’re right. Even with two of you – what place would hire two caregivers to work 24/7/365?? When I had a similar situation – right up to and including the elderly person insisting on being independent and not calling for help when getting out of bed, and then falling – we managed to find a part-time person to cover nights for a very short time, but then we found a place in a personal care home, which I gather is not an option for you. It wasn’t a complete solution for us, because our relative still didn’t want to “bother anyone” by ringing for assistance to get to the bathroom at night, but at least we weren’t trying to hold down both full-time paid jobs and full-time caregiving. And we couldn’t quit the paid jobs because of needing to pay for our own housing, food etc. So could you patch together some kind of coverage by hiring someone part-time to help out? It would be a lot cheaper than a personal care home, even if you and your mother had to contribute if the pension didn’t cover all the cost. And keep a very sharp eye out for future UTIs. They can have extremely bad effects on elderly people, and sometimes the first signs are changes in behaviour, which I for one didn’t know about and didn’t expect.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 2:19 pm We are going to look into part time care. Part of the problem is that every single person in the household has retreated to their own Difficultly Corner on hiring someone, if that makes any sense. Grandma, of course, “doesn’t want to be a bother.” Stepfather is worried about people in the house because one of the carers for his mother stole from her, and their house is full of disorganized expensive things (that he needs to organize and won’t – think power tools in the living room that he’s been “remodeling” for the last decade rather than figurines). Mom is too tired to think about it right now, because she’s caring for grandma and not sleeping. I try very hard to avoid getting in power struggles with my stepfather and also don’t actually live there or know the details of anyone’s finances beyond what mom tells me. Mom and grandma are both retired, stepfather is a commission-based technical salesperson who has a multi-state territory and also has extremely expensive tech demos on loan from work sitting next to his random power tools in the gutted living room between sales calls. None of them have a a regular-hours 8-5 job, which makes it harder for mom to be realistic about how much help she actually needs since she keeps saying things like “well, as long as I get 4 hours of sleep every other night…” rather than realistic numbers. I honestly have no idea how the finances are doing overall relative to expenses, except that they’re not in any kind of debt and mom is waiting until she hits the required age to start making retirement withdrawals before she does it and is just running the household on mom+grandma social security, grandma’s pension, and stepfather’s comissions right now. I have been assured in the vaguest of terms that stepfather has enough money set aside for his own retirement, but i have no idea what “enough” means to him. Everyone involved is someone who would probably eat saltines and peanut butter for dinner rather than put a pizza on a credit card if they ran out of money for groceries, so I can kind of tell that they’re doing ok because they’re eating real meals and such, but I genuinely have no idea what the entire household budget looks like. (I can see the expenses, because I know where and how mom tracks them, but the inputs and the reserves are not in her expense spreadsheet so I can’t tell how much slack in the system relative to expenditures.) On one hand, the Family Role of daughter/granddaughter is not a “privy to finances” role. On the other hand, I definitely know more about finance than mom or grandma, and probably know more than stepfather (I disengage with him rather than get in competency-related arguments, so I haven’t had a financial knowledge argument with him enough really know if he can explain, say, how tax brackets work or how to assess the likely future value of an investment based on various factors), so arrgh I don’t knooooow if they can afford to hire help because I don’t have any idea of their cushions and reserves.
Llellayena* July 21, 2019 at 9:22 am Fall watch is something that needs a night shift person, not just someone napping in a nearby chair. Can you talk with one of the assisted living places or a senior services department about financial options? There may be a way to use up the pension each month for her care and get coverage for the remaining gap. I wasn’t involved in how that worked for my aunt but I know she had a decent pension and was still able to get additional coverage for her time in assisted living/nursing care.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 2:25 pm The Fall Watch person isn’t sleeping on their shift – they’re sitting awake in grandma’s room goofing around on a tablet in the dark waiting for her to wake up and try to get out of bed. They then sleep while the other person is on Fall Watch, which is why mom is so tired right now since she’s spending too many hours awake in grandma’s room rather than sleeping. We definitely need to figure out the finance part of this. Part of the problem is that mom is the one with the budget numbers, and mom is also the one getting minimal sleep. I probably just need to make a series of speculative phone calls to various agencies and give mom and executive summary. I guess that’s my Monday now if I get a reasonable sleep shift tonight.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 10:28 am If you’re in the U.S., can you check with your nearby Senior Health Insurance Program (SHIP)? It might be called something different in your state, but it’s the government-funded aid to negotiating health care costs for seniors, and I know people who’ve found it helpful.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 2:31 pm I can try – I’ll add them to the “call during business hours” list. It looks like they’re focused on helping people figure out how to sign up for Medicare, which she’s already signed up for, and they don’t mention having any additional resources to help with finding this type of nursing/personal care, which is not something that Medicare pays for (Medicaid does, but she is not poor enough to qualify for that).
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 2:57 pm Ours counsels on Medicaid as well, but it does seem like they vary from state to state. I do echo others in thinking it’s worth checking directly with facilities on the pension/Medicaid issue, because I don’t think it’s necessarily as simple as a pension means they won’t take her (for one thing, in many states the limit for Medicaid for long term care is much higher than the regular Medicaid limit). If you can get enough information to go to an elder care attorney in your area, that would be the best thing to do and would probably save a lot of administrative footwork on your part. And yes, it’s a big surprise to a lot of people that Medicare doesn’t pay for maintenance assistance; it covers short-term stays after an initial acute event and rehab services.
Elizabeth West* July 21, 2019 at 3:28 pm They might have a suggestion, though, even if they can’t help directly.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 11:04 am I’m so sorry for you and your Mom, I’m in this boat now too. I’m an only child, my mother is now a fall risk, has to urinate every 1 1/2 to 2 hours usually, maybe a little longer, but never longer than 2 1/2 hours, 3 at the absolute tops. I’ve been posting updates. She has enough income to stay in the personal care home at $150/day, intends to come home, but I really doubt that will happen. I like you cannot be awake 24/7 to monitor her, I work full time, and even 4 nights of getting up with her each time she went to the bathroom, going to work, having someone come for a time during the day, left me totally physically and mentally exhausted. One work night she had me up 3x between 10 PM and 1 AM. Finding a responsible caregiver is hard. Live in help is really pricey, and even at that, people have to sleep. And finding help is trying. Her PCP has never called me back, after repeated calls begging for help and a referral to Office of the Aging. I echo the thoughts above – even though she has a pension, you may be able to get her into an assisted living facility, they will take her pension, but sometimes Medicare/Medicaid picks up the rest. My mother in law had dementia, and only had a small social security check (we’re in the USA) and through our Office of the Aging, we got her signed up for services. The nursing home took her entire social security check, Medicaid (I believe) paid something, and that was it. She had the care and supervision we couldn’t provide. Best of luck to you!
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 2:38 pm Yeah, I feel like the level of care that we realistically need is someone for overnights every night so mom can sleep, plus someone to cover a couple of day shifts a week so mom can leave the house, plus bathing/hygiene help that it may or may not make sense to combine with one of those day supervision shifts (we are getting a weekly bathing aide through Medicare right now since they will cover that while grandma is in PT to try and reduce fall risk but they won’t cover it anymore once she is not). Mom thinks the level of care we need is someone to come over for 4 hours or so once or twice a week so she can go out to dinner. I swear mom is treating this like parenting a newborn where it’s just…ok that the carer doesn’t really get enough sleep regularly for a while because Babies Are Like That. The difference is that newborns are like this for a few months in which no one sleeps well, and then they aren’t like this anymore because they are slightly older babies, and eventually they are full-on children. I don’t hold out hope that this will be nearly as short-term.
NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser* July 21, 2019 at 12:42 pm I don’t know if this helps. Bedside commode? I had a giant rubber plastic sheet (shower curtain works) on the floor next to the bed, and one of those bedside commode chairs. IF she is stable enough to swing legs over and transition to the chair, no walking needed. The rubber sheeting is in case…no details on why I had to do that hack. But it only works if she will slow down, sit up until the dizziness stops. (If you are in the profession you know better than I do that when they first wake up, the blood pressure is lowest and there’s a homeostasis thing that makes dizziness … so there has to be a sit up, wait… then legs over, wait… then transition step. ) Sounds like she can’t make those choices, though, maybe even with a commode chair. (Hub had cancer, so the muscles were going but no dementia until closer to the end). At the same time, you might talk to the doctor about the possibility of a little medication to help her sleep more soundly, and put her in depends. (not meaning to start controversy here…we talked about it because hubs was so restless that he would get up thinking he had to go to the bathroom, and it wasn’t that at all… just his fear of an accident… but since he outweighed me, and hitting his head on the bathtub would be disastrous, we were trying to figure out all the ways to cope). I did manage to sleep – queen bed – on top the covers on the other side, so that I would wake up when he stirred and tried to get up, and got about 1/2 hour at a time that way. You are right, not sustainable. But better for me than sitting in the chair or sleeping on the floor where his feet landed (so I’d get woken up). My heart goes out to you. I don’t know if any of these will help.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 3:05 pm We suspect that she is not strong enough to transfer herself from bed to adjacent commode, so she would still need to call for help, unfortunately. It does not seem to be a dizziness/equilibrium issue, but a muscle weakness issue (she is getting weekly PT to try and improve muscle strength right now). The current process is bed-transfer chair (wheelchair mom pushes with the type of smaller wheels used on a chair not pushed by the occupant)-toilet-transfer chair-bed (before this week she was using a walker rather than mom using the transfer chair, which used to be used for things like excursions to restaurants in previous years), so while a commode might cut out some travel for grandma, I’m not sure it would be any easier for mom or grandma to deal with. (I suppose it would be two fewer lifts for mom, though.) She is already wearing backup bladder protection since she sometimes couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough, but I think it would be pretty upsetting to her to start wetting the bed and she’d resist that quite a bit. Mom would prefer it if she’d just sleep through the night and need predictable clean-up help in the morning, but I think grandma would go into some major passive resistance about the whole thing and probably stop drinking water to try and prevent accidents (we already have to really encourage fluids since she doesn’t want to be a bother with bathroom trips). (I’m not in physical/nursing care, but rather in a specialized education-related job that I prefer not to go into details about because it is unusual and I don’t want to be identified here. I deal with a lot of medically fragile people in the course of that job, but am not a trained healthcare worker myself beyond some emergency protocols that everyone working with some of our population has to be trained on just in case – I’ve been trained on multiple emergency injectibles for various things! And seizure protocols! And signs to look out for to refer for assorted mental health concerns! And, and, and…it’s just that everyone who finds their way to us has the story of how they found us, and that many of those stories are medical or traumatic in nature, exhausting to hear about, stressful to care about, and then are something I have to make special adaptations for. I generally have at least one client end up in inpatient psych a year, and several on cancer treatments, and so on…it gets hard to remain flexible and compassionate when the 50th (rather than 1st, or even 5th) doctor’s note comes rolling in requiring me to do one more extra thing not in my expected workload if I don’t take a major recharge break every now and then. It’s particularly hard when that 50th doctor’s note is something like “my hand hurts when I do too much writing by hand, so I need to type my notes thing” when you’re also dealing with someone else with a “back out of inpatient psych and need to get back on track again” thing, since your perspective of what constitutes a problem is all skewed around and needs constant re-balancing. Both of those are problems! And I want to support you through them in a way appropriate to my job and your need! Hang out while I recalibrate the concern-o-tron…)
NoLongerYoung* July 21, 2019 at 9:30 pm Yes, I understand the muscle weakness. I had to help hold and swivel from the bed to the commode chair, once the muscles got so weak. That was end stage. That’s why I was saying “if” she can stand… it’s tough. Depending upon how big, and if the muscles can be made stronger.. well, the commode chair at least cuts back on the number of transfers. There’s another device – called a hoyer lift? We got one – not hard to use. But… time consuming. So the planning has to be there. Sleep on the lift mat, then it has to be hooked to the lift, patient hoisted, and then the care person swivels the lift and lowers them onto the commode chair. We got it to make a bath possible, and wheelchair transfers, etc, possible without me having do to do the lifting. (Not physically possible for me to lift him). We got an Occupational therapy consult from the Pallative care team. (Pallative is not hospice, he refused hospice). Sending you a hug. I am not clinical – far auxiliary. So I’d ask around about resources. Just thought I’d send a few encouraging words, because we struggled with the middle ground – no money to help with care, no resources. Fortunately, the pallative team was very helpful.
TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House* July 21, 2019 at 12:45 pm Would she be open to a nursing home? Even with too much for Medicaid, she could have an Income Diversion Trust set up.
Seven hobbits are highly effective, people* July 21, 2019 at 3:07 pm I should learn more about Income Diversion Trusts. That’s the second time someone has mentioned them to me, and I’m not familiar with them. I think I’ll take on that piece of research this week and figure out if that will help. She really doesn’t want to go into a nursing home. But at some point everyone needs to get some damn sleep.
WellRed* July 21, 2019 at 3:42 pm No one wants to go into a nursing home but sometimes we don’t get a choice in things.
TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House* July 21, 2019 at 4:59 pm If your state’s Medicaid works like mine–an Income Diversion Trust allows people in a nursing home to get Medicaid with their excess income is placed in a trust . Medicaid sets the amount and at that person’s death, the trust goes to the state/Medicaid. It’s a way people can qualify for Medicaid to pay for their nursing home care. I don’t know how it would work with non nursing home care but your state office could help.
Green Kangaroo* July 21, 2019 at 6:51 pm They are also called Qualified Income trusts and Miller trusts. The eligibility rules are state-specific, so I would highly recommend contacting an experienced elder-care or trust attorney in your state. Good luck; it’s so very stressful to have to handle these things, especially when it’s reached a crisis point.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 3:09 am Apart from tea, carbonation (disastrous effect), or lemon, is there an easy way to flavor cold water? I like lime, but not enough for it to suffice. I need to drink water, but I hate it and I can’t abide hot stuff, in general.
The Other Dawn* July 21, 2019 at 5:58 am My sister has one of those water infuser pitchers. She puts blueberries and strawberries in the infuser, fills the pitcher with water and lets it sit in the fridge for a day or so before drinking. I think she also does watermelon and strawberry, too.
Grace* July 21, 2019 at 6:50 am Cordial/squash/concentrated fruit juice? You can get no added sugar varieties fairly easily, if that’s a concern, and some brands (like Robinsons) do little handbag-sized packs that are good for twenty or so servings if you need to top up your water on the go. Add a tiny bit to your water, and then it’s not water anymore. Because really, water doesn’t inherently have any health benefits that general sugar-free hydration doesn’t offer. Some things online make me think that Americans don’t have squash in the same way as the UK does, so I don’t know if that would be an issue for you depending on where you live, but you can probably buy it online if not in store.
WellRed* July 21, 2019 at 10:59 am I read lots if British detective novels and always wondered what orange squash is.
Hazy Days* July 21, 2019 at 11:38 am It flavours the water – if you’re an adult, you have elderflower cordial and pretend it’s in some way more sophisticated than orange squash. There’s also lime cordial, Ribena (berry cordial), and a whole host of fancy modern ones.
Alex* July 21, 2019 at 8:35 am I use something called “Stur” which is one of those liquid flavorings, but it is stevia and fruit based, so no artificial ingredients. It’s a bit hard to find–only one grocery store near me carries it–but you can find it online if you can’t find it in a store. It comes in all kinds of flavors, but my favorites are fruit punch, orange, and tropical mango.
Not So NewReader* July 21, 2019 at 12:24 pm You might find these at health food stores, too. Mine had a chocolate stevia that I put in my coffee. Oh my.
Llellayena* July 21, 2019 at 9:27 am I second (third?) the fruit in water solution. Strawberry and basil, kiwi and pineapple, mixed berries, orange and lemon; any of these (and more) would add plenty of flavor to water. I also don’t much like plain water, though I aim for tea. If you’re avoiding tea because of the caffeine, quite a few herbal teas make great iced tea.
foolofgrace* July 21, 2019 at 9:43 am They make those infuser containers in drinking-glass size, but I’ve never found them to actually work; very little flavor comes thru. Maybe keeping a pitcher in the fridge does better. That said, I use those little squeeze bottles of Crystal Light or other brands.
MissDisplaced* July 21, 2019 at 10:27 am Lemons, limes, oranges, cucumbers, grapes, strawberries, mint and cinnamon sticks can be used to flavor water. And yes, you can use other fruit combinations if you have one of those infusion pitchers. Investing in the pitcher will probably be your best bet if you need to make lots.
Anono-me* July 21, 2019 at 11:10 am I often do 1 part juice to about 5 parts water. (Orange or pomegranate juice are my favorites. Grapefruit juice is my least favorite.)
ArtK* July 21, 2019 at 11:37 am Try tonic flavoring. You can find a lot on Amazon. It works a little better with carbonation (we use a Soda Stream) but it can be very good in still water.
Claire* July 21, 2019 at 12:54 pm I use infuser bags – there are a few different brands that I’ve tried, but my favourites are the Twinings ones (link in next comment). They’re like teabags for flavoured water – pop one in your water bottle, shake and leave for five minutes and then drink. They last me several refills of a 500ml bottle throughout the day.
Claire* July 21, 2019 at 12:55 pm Twinings Cold Infuse: https://www.twinings.co.uk/about-twinings/latest-news-and-articles/twinings-cold-infuse?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqfXCt7zG4wIVB7LtCh3KYg-LEAAYASAAEgLTsfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
LCL* July 21, 2019 at 2:59 pm My mom loves those water flavor enhancer drops available at the grocery store. They are totally artificial, so if you are a natural only person you might not like them. Since she has been hospitalized for dehydration before, the flavor enhancer drops are a good thing.
Alex* July 21, 2019 at 3:18 pm See my comment above! There are natural ones available, just harder to find. Keep an eye out!
fluffy* July 21, 2019 at 5:28 pm You might look for shrubs or switchel, which are vinegars designed for adding to cold water. Lots of places around here are making them to compete with craft beer. I’ve got a recipe for raspberry shrub that sounds very interesting.
Nacho* July 21, 2019 at 6:30 pm Other fruits besides lemon work. There are special pitchers you can buy to infuse your water with fruit flavoring. And if your only problem with tea is the heat, you can make iced tea, either by cold brewing it or dumping about twice as much ice as you used hot water into the finished product.
Lilysparrow* July 21, 2019 at 7:45 pm You can find liquid water flavor drops with stevia or a tiny amount of sweetener at Aldi, Target, Walmart, and many other supermarkets. The citrussy ones seem to be most likely to have all-natural flavors, but there’s a variety.
NewReadingGlasses* July 21, 2019 at 8:07 pm Add a few drops of flavor extract (usually found with spices at the store.). It comes in a bunch of flavors, though ones for baking sweets are the easiest to find. I have lemon, orange, almond, vanilla, mint, and violet. The orange is pretty good in water, haven’t tried the others. If you don’t mind a touch of sugar, the type of syrup used to flavor coffees works well.
coffee cup* July 21, 2019 at 6:23 am Oh yeah I have a date next week, it seems! I recently stopped seeing someone and it’s been quite tough. I went back on Tinder just out of boredom, and told myself I had to match with at least two guys before I stopped. Because I’m just far too picky, generally. Anyway, I matched with a guy who actually talked to me and apparently we’re meeting on Thursday. After recent experiences I am not super optimistic but I at least hope it’ll be a nice evening and interesting to meet someone new…! I don’t enjoy being 35 and still dating, so y’know, I’ll take what I can get, ha!
foolofgrace* July 21, 2019 at 1:46 pm I wish I were 35 again — from my vantage point, I wish I had known how “okay” I was at that age even though I thought I was “too old” for dating. Don’t put yourself down — you’re awesome and deserve an awesome partner.
coffee cup* July 21, 2019 at 3:08 pm Aw, thanks! Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem being 35. It’s just the dating situation is so much harder now.
Lcsa99* July 21, 2019 at 7:10 am Apparently today is national ice cream day! Perfect timing with the heat wave. And that totally explains the ice cream truck that work us up at 5:30 this morning.
Lcsa99* July 21, 2019 at 7:51 am “Work” should have been “woke.” That’s what happens when I wake too early on a weekend!
Aurora Leigh* July 21, 2019 at 11:22 am Now I want ice cream! :) But I would be royally peeved at at 5:30 AM noise of any type that woke me.
The Other Dawn* July 21, 2019 at 3:36 pm Oh, I had no idea! I bought ice cream the other night so I’ll have to have a little today. I’m not much of an ice cream person; however, I do like a few bites now and then. I recently discovered the Magnum brand. They have pints of ice cream, which are completely wrapped in a cracking chocolate shell–top, bottom and sides. My favorite is the Double Chocolate Ganache. So divine!
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 7:54 am Mom update Mom is still in the rehab facility, expected discharge date of July 27. Long story short, she is wobbly and very scared to walk, stand up, cannot do anything for herself due to the cast on her arm. I looked into options of having people come to the house to care for her, but due to her income, she’s not eligible for help with this, so it’s all out of pocket, and rates for reliable caregivers are pretty steep, like $24/hour. Due to her bladder issue, as in getting up during the night at least 4x plus to urinate, I’d have to have someone here pretty much 24 hours a day, because I work full time and need to sleep at night, and I’m gone for 9 1/2 hours during week days. She can’t be left alone as she’s a fall risk. Yesterday I picked some things up for her in town, and spent most of the afternoon with her, sitting with her while she did therapy, I brought a few bills that needed checks sent (yes, I could do them online but she has enough anxiety so I will mail the checks old school. For now.), I washed her hair, and gave her the information packet about the personal care home in town. It used to be my elementary school, it’s a short walk, like 10 minutes tops, 6 or 7 if I go through the woods like I did when I was a kid, and is very nice and has high ratings. She’s agreed to go there, and wants to go directly there from rehab. So that’s one thing out of the way. They have a room for her, and I’m going to call the owner/director tomorrow so she can visit Mom and get any other details hammered out. I was happy to hear her tell the therapist that she was going to go to a personal care home to get stronger. Which brings me to this. I have never seen such a rapid decline in function. 18 days ago, she fell and broke her wrist, and prior to that she was driving to the bank, getting groceries, doing laundry, weeding outside, light cleaning (I help with the heavier stuff plus we have a cleaning lady every other week for a few hours/big house, lots of rooms, but not much activity), cooking, paying bills, all of it – and boom, done. She can’t even stand up to go to the bathroom alone. I have framed the personal care home as a temporary thing, but in the back of my mind, I know she will probably not come home again, at least without a lot of help, as the falling thing is not new. She’s fallen 3x prior to the wrist breaking fall this year that I know about, no injuries, but fell 2x after the break. There’s something amiss. At least the bones are still mostly in place, so no surgery. Big cast is supposed to come off on August 1. Urologist appointment is tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to try to meet her there. She told me on Wednesday she’s going to ask about a catheter because she is so exhausted from not being able to sleep. She admitted not sleeping for more than a few hours in over 20 years. The personal care home will accept her with a catheter, and she will be able to sleep, and won’t have to use the bathroom every 1 1/2 to 2 hours. What a mess. So that’s where we are – sorry this is so long. I wasn’t feeling great yesterday, it’s so hot, I know it’s hot everywhere but here in the mountains of Central PA, we’re sort of not used to 90+ degrees and tropical humidity. I was literally just sick but drank a ton of water, skipped my normal 5 miles of walking, and just plowed through. It’s hot today, too, I woke up and it was already 75 degrees and humid. Sighs. I feel really bad for Mom, I truly do. Please let this be a lesson to all of us. If you have medical issues, and then another one, and then something else, and you’re juggling and managing and doing every single thing to avoid treatment, one thing, like a break that immobilizes you can bring all the balls to the floor, and sometimes it’s too late to fix things. Mom is going to be uncomfortable and unhappy for the rest of her life, and sadly, she could have avoided most of it by just doing what the doctors advised. Example: I found a patient visit summary from September 2018, right before I moved in, that stated she was referred to a urologist for her bladder issues. It took her 8 months to finally make the appointment. And these issues have been going on for 20 years. Sighs.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 12:01 pm Oh, Rebecca, this is complicated. I confess I heaved a sigh of relief for you at hearing that your mother was going to go residential, but I’m sure it’s an emotional transition. I have to say, as somebody who’s been through this a few times now–you’re saying if she’d followed doctor’s orders it wouldn’t have turned out this way, but it’s quite likely it still would have. This is the path of modern end-of-life decline, and your mother is in her 80s. It might have happened a different way or a couple of years later, but this snowball/downward spiral is how it looks. Not saying you can’t be frustrated with your mother for not following up, but we all get to a point where it’s too late to fix things, and forethought will never completely prevent that.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 12:52 pm Thank you for this. It’s so weird living in my childhood home, in my old room, and my parents aren’t here. I can’t explain it, it’s just odd. I’m cleaning, cooking, doing stuff, running around, and it’s so quiet and frankly, quite lonely. And it looks like she may never come home. I haven’t said that to her, though, but in my gut that’s what it looks like, unless she can somehow get over the fear, address the balance issues, etc. Some of the issues Mom put off, like getting her ear fixed, getting the mesh surgery fixed, having her gall bladder out, could have been done years ago when she was able, but now it’s too late. It’s very sad. Seriously, if I had to spend 2-4 days throwing up even water after eating one thing that had a bit too much fat in it, my gall bladder would be gone – yesterday. That’s literally how sensitive it is. I suspect her balance issues are because of the hole in the eardrum, and now there’s a pocket of fluid behind that ear. I could be wrong, but the ER doctor feels that is the case. At least I found a new PCP, but have to adjust that appointment because the ortho doctor made her take big cast off/put little cast on appointment for the same day, 15 minutes different, and 18 miles apart. Ugh.
Dan* July 21, 2019 at 3:49 pm Rebecca, I’m sorry to hear all of this. TBH, much of this is unreal. It’s one thing to put off getting a thing or two treated because you don’t want to deal with the consequences (e.g., dietary changes, exercise, weight loss) or for that matter, because one may not realize there are solutions for particular problems. But given what you’ve described, your mom had to have been so miserable, and one has to really wonder why she avoided dealing with it all these years.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 6:06 pm My take on it is this: she’s a retired RN, and thinks that she knows more than everyone else and knows more than the doctors. If a doctor recommended something to her, like a sleeping pill, she wouldn’t take it, because she’d go to the library, get the PDR, and look up all the side effects. Likewise surgeries, etc., Mom strives to avoid anything surgical unless she could absolutely avoid it. Not sure why, I’m one of those “better living through chemistry” and “oh, if the part is bad, fix it or replace it” people. I am not shy about getting medical help. Plus, she goes from doctor to doctor, if they try to steer her into a treatment she doesn’t like. She said recently that “no one listens to me”, well, that’s because she can’t put together a clear and concise sentence, even to a yes or no question. She rambles on endlessly and people tune her out. And, at this point, nothing is going to change. I will tell you this: I would NEVER put up with these health issues, I basically couldn’t, and still work, go hiking, sleep, etc. but she has had no responsibilities outside the house since she retired from nursing, so there you go.
Dan* July 21, 2019 at 3:41 pm I have a suspicion that addressing the sleep issues at whatever point modern medicine would have permitted could have made a real difference in some way shape or form. My mom has always been a light sleeper… too light if you ask me. Yet, her light sleeping was always someone else’s fault. Certainly not *hers* to fix. Put it this way, years ago she kicked my dad out of the main bedroom because he “snores too much” and he’d keep her up. Would she use earplugs? Nope. Well, the funny thing is, I’ve traveled with my dad and shared hotel rooms with him, and he really doesn’t snore that much — certainly not to the extent that mom makes it sound. Last year I got diagnosed with sleep apnea, with a score that’s on the high end of moderate. The sleep tech told me this is hereditary and that dad probably has it. I said something to him, and he got tested. He does have it, but his is so mild that I’m surprised they bothered treating him. Dad tried the CPAP because mom said she misses him in the bedroom and would like the company. Modern CPAP machines are damn quiet, but the *air flow* can make a very faint noise. It turns out that the airflow noise was too much, and mom kicked dad back out of the bedroom again. I did point blank tell dad that mom needs to stop blaming everybody else for her lack of sleep and do something about it, but we both know that won’t happen. My mom has age related health issues that are developing at least a decade sooner than they really should. She’s almost 70, and in what should be some of the best years of her life. But she’s pretty much homebound these days, gets confused easily, has a malady of aches and pains, etc. When people point out health issues to her, she stops socializing with them. For years, she’s been in denial, claiming the issues are age appropriate. (Yeah, for people ten years older than she is.) Like Rebecca’s mom, mine doesn’t want to deal with her health issues. She won’t talk about it, and while dad says she goes to the doctor, he doesn’t usually go into the appointments with her. I really do think that if she got her sleep issues treated years ago, lots of other things wouldn’t be as big of a deal. It’s sad, really.
Good luck with that* July 22, 2019 at 1:45 am There have even been studies that suggest poor sleep contributes to obesity. Clearly not the only influence, but an aggravating factor.
My Brain Is Exploding* July 21, 2019 at 3:50 pm I agree with the other responses. Really at some point the body is just gonna give out. And our experience with parents in their 80s who said no to elective surgeries in the past is that they seem better than most of their cohorts. Surgery comes with its own risks, too. (As does medication.) You just have to make the best decision you can with the information you have. I hope you take extra good care of yourself during this break before she gets out of rehab! (FWIW I wonder if she is just falling asleep briefly – then falling.)
NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser* July 21, 2019 at 12:26 pm I came this morning in hopes of seeing an update and giving support. So very hard…. living teetering on the edge of ever-worsening news. But going to the care home is the best option of the set, given that one can’t roll back the hands of time and get a do-over… and that death is always the end of the story. It’s just how you get there that you have any control over in this life. There may be something more going on behind the scenes (mini-strokes, maybe, a family member had those)… but given that she has obscured her symptoms (can I say lied, hid, ignored?) for everything else, she may not have ever brought up “oh, I had a little blackout when I was in the chair” or “I couldn’t see temporarily out of right eye” or any of the other things… and if her doctor is like my mom’s doctor, even if she brought one of them up or another symptom of something ELSE that might be going on (and I know with your mom, that’s a big if…)…. my mom’s GP just says “oh, you are , that’s to be expected.” But yes, there is actually somewhere (sorry, citation not handy) clinical study that shows that a certain number of “not that bad” issues – taken together – are as impactful for a deteriorating quality of life as a big event (like a heart attack). So for my mom, the continuing UTIs, the arm, the IBS, the hearing, the stenosis of the spine, and the sleep issues (yay, CPAP), added up to being a vicious spiral. If she had had a heart attack, there’s a network and a protocol for addressing the “fix.” If you have vision, hearing, dental, mobility and infection issues… bundled together? That’s harder to address because unless you have a care team that tackles them together as a deliberate item, it falls to the individual or their family member to realize that ignoring each little one adds up to a big problem. And each little item makes it harder to tackle the others… you get more and more tired. Downward spiral is faster than needed. You have soldiered on and are an amazing daughter. I wish you were appreciated by her as much as you deserve. Know that it is recognized. Sending you a HUGE (if it isn’t too hot there) across the internet.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 12:56 pm NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser, thank you :) you said something that I just said to a friend today, this total 180 turnaround in less than 3 weeks has left me stunned. I know people get old and die, but to go this far backward in just one day, literally, when I got her out of the hospital to take her to rehab, it took my friend and I to just transfer her from one vehicle to the other, and a lot of effort. Literally 48 hours before she was walking up and down the driveway, doing laundry, going grocery shopping by herself, all of it. Right now my first and foremost concern is her safety, and hopefully the new PCP can address some of the other issues. Honestly, I have no idea how I’m going to get her to all the appointments she needs to go to, I simply don’t have that much time off at my job.
Quandong* July 22, 2019 at 12:28 am It is astonishing to see first hand this quick loss of function in a person. In my family it was my grandmother who lived alone, with meal delivery services and people doing her housework. In her case the precipitating event was a fall where she injured her hip and required hospitalization. Functional decline can start for elderly people in hospitals as early as their second day there. I’m glad your mother is at her new location and hope she regains some of her strength and balance soon.
Not So NewReader* July 21, 2019 at 12:48 pm I have watched this pattern so many times. It starts with a small problem. Then there is another. Then another. The body does cue us that we are heading for disaster, but it’s so easy to miss the cues. And it’s so easy to ignore others who try to advise us. I watched my husband go down hill for two years. (His slide downhill was so obvious OTHERS were asking me about him.) Finally one day he called in sick to work to get “help with his back”. Yeah. Okay. He went from working 70 hours per week to walking with a walker inside his first two weeks of sick time. He passed away in week 13. There was no “help” for his back. For him life came at him fast. He did not see this one coming. Even after our countless discussions about how to help himself. Some people are very disconnected from the severity of problem inside their bodies. Making it worse, we can see the backsliding and tell them and they STILL ignore us. In thinking about how to apply these lessons to my own life, I think of all kinds of things. One thing I really think about is I don’t want to be on an intensive medical program just to remain alive today/this week. Just let me go. So this brings me to conclude, was my husband entirely wrong in how he handled his problems? Maybe not. But I will stand by a related statement, just because others are ill does not give them the right to demean or abuse us. I now see through my husband that it is possible to be VERY ill and still remain kind. If your mom did not want treatment or help that is her choice. But she does need to participate in what she is going to be willing to do. Her plan cannot be “Rebecca will fix this.” Additionally, you can’t shoulder this alone. You have already been through SO much. I could cry for ya, I really could.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 1:01 pm And this is why she needs to go to the assisted living place, because I cannot watch her 24/7 and do everything. I am one person. I can do a lot, mowing, grocery shopping, cleaning out the gutters (yay!! that worked, finally got to see a big downpour and no overflowing), carrying things up and down the steps, doing laundry, taking out the garbage, you get the idea. I work full time. I can do a lot…and I do a lot…but I can’t do everything. I hope she adjusts, as for a very long time, everything in her world revolved around her. She wouldn’t sign up for the senior ride service here because her friends told her they have to wait before and after appointments because there are others to pick up, so she wouldn’t have the concierge service she desires. Her very harsh and sanctimonious attitudes have driven many people away. Unfortunately, the chickens have come home to roost, and all I can do is make the best of a bad situation for her.
Puffle* July 21, 2019 at 3:41 pm We had a very similar situation with my grandmother… she was ungrateful and unkind to people who were enormously gracious and generous to her, and big surprise, they stopped helping. Which I do not blame them for at all, but it meant that everything fell to us. In the end, between jobs, people living far away and a number of other family crises and health issues (that also sucked up a massive amount of time and energy), we just couldn’t do everything. Rebecca, you are going above and beyond, and I really admire the strength and grace that you are showing here. Attempting to make the best of a bad situation for someone who has driven away other help is so hard, and your mother is incredibly lucky to have you there. I really hope that you are able to get some more support and resources (unfortunately as I’m not in the US I don’t have any useful advice) By the way, my grandmother did eventually move into a care home, and she came to love it. Having company all day (in the form of the other residents) and not having to do any housework were the real selling points for her
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2019 at 7:18 am “Unfortunately, the chickens have come home to roost, and all I can do is make the best of a bad situation for her.” Yep, sadly this is the best we can give some folks. There can be a night and day difference between what we want for them and what they actually need. Sometimes doing the fairest thing is absolutely heart-wrenching. I think of this as some of the most difficult stuff in life, really. And if there is a poor relationship with the parent to begin with this seems to magnify everything. In part because of the finality of it all coupled with the awareness that this is the last leg of their life journey and the relationship is what it is. So we run damage control for their lives when we would rather be giving them an enhanced quality of life. Also doing damage control can feel like we are protecting them from themselves. This can be true in many instances. If she has food in front of her daily and a safe roof over her head, you have done very well. I know. This does not feel like success at all. Saying, “I tried to keep her safe”, is sometimes what success looks like. All of this works back to she had many, many chances to change course. And she chose not to.
653-CXK* July 21, 2019 at 1:29 pm Back in April, my own mother fell out of the bed. She walked into the ER, but once she got into a bed, the dizzy spells were so bad she had to be admitted. It turned out that it was a mix of her otoliths (the crystals in her ears that perform as balancers, similar to a gyroscope) being out of whack and her neuropathy that she’s been dealing with the past couple of decades. My mother has also had two knee, two hip, and two shoulder surgeries. Her most recent shoulder surgery (delayed because of her fall) was done two months ago and thankfully her progress has been excellent. She just began driving again a couple of weeks ago and returned to her volunteer position for the first time in three months. As for your own mother – for right now, a personal care home (also known as an assisted living facility (ALF)) is the right path to go. These facilities are for people who are in a frail position, but strong enough not to be in a nursing home, and they do tremendous work. They will help your mother get strong enough to get back home. I concur on the health issues. Don’t ignore them, even if you think you’re fine. Up until 2015, I had sleeping issues, and I contributed them to burning the midnight oil, staying up to wait for my brothers, etc. It turned out I had severe obstructive sleep apnea, and currently I’m on CPAP therapy, and it works wonders.
Booksalot* July 21, 2019 at 4:49 pm I’m so sorry to hear this, Rebecca. I’ve seen this “out of the blue” snowballing of symptoms so many times in my own family, and in my husband’s family as well. Obviously no one has a crystal ball, but based on my own experiences, it’s entirely likely that your mom will rally in the care facility once she has constant tending and can get solid sleep due to the catheter. She is probably going to demand to be sent home at that point, but doing so will probably undo her progress. I’ve seen this happen with two different relatives. Making that “stay or go” decision will really be a “quantity or quality” of life decision. If she’s willing to be honest and communicate clearly with you, without guilt trips, you can make that decision together.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 5:08 pm “She is probably going to demand to be sent home at that point, but doing so will probably undo her progress.” Ouch, and yes, I agree. If you can avoid the return home, I recommend it for both your sakes. She’s not going to be happy in either place because she’s her, and you’re both going to be healthier if she’s not home.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 6:16 pm I just got back from visiting her. She said she is looking forward to going to the personal care home “temporarily” and she emphasized that over and over, so she can get back on her feet and return home. I asked her what plan she has for when she returns home, regarding the not sleeping, frequent urination, fall risk…and her answer was, well, I don’t know, and her voice trailed off. If she insists on coming home, I can’t stop her. But I won’t not sleep myself, so she’ll have to have a catheter or go inside adult diapers and not get out of bed every hour or so. She has osteoporosis, and is extremely luck that all she broke during the last 3 falls was her arm. Next time, it could be her hip, and that would mean months on her back, and we all know the chances of someone her age and frailty recovering from that are not great.
WoodswomanWrites* July 21, 2019 at 6:46 pm I see my post below crossed with yours. I know your mother is obstinate. Maybe because she is admitting that she doesn’t know how things would work with coming home, she might agree to talk with a social worker about what comes next after the personal care home? Because “My daughter will be a 24/7 caregiver” is not a solution.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 6:49 pm I wouldn’t even get into that conversation for now. Wait till she actually starts talking about going home “now” as opposed to “some day”. Tempoary can be a veeeeery long time, and leaving that illusion in place might be all you need.
NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser* July 21, 2019 at 11:36 pm Sending a hug. You can’t “Stop” her from coming home, but you can insist she have a plan in place – written down, agreed to – fought over if need be – that sets out the “rules” where she has agreed to care staff at night and rides to the doc from “strangers” or whatever support you need to get in place first (if it can’t be done she can’t come home). You do not have to make it possible for her to make life awful for you. It’s time (I’m sorry) to force her to give up the diva (not wanting to wait for the ride share that “is” available, for example)… I’ve had to come to grips Mom’s denial, and every time she complains, I now say “Well, that won’t be a problem when you move into (name of place where she has previously refused to consider… I’ve talked to the administrator). She admits to forgetting something? I say “yes, you are starting the decline, Mom, I’m sorry, I know getting older is hard, and you have my love and support for those feelings. You know I can’t help with the physical. You do realize you need to move into (name of place). ” Literally every conversation. Her complaint, my response. My response is empathy, support = are you preparing to move? and /or moving is inevitable, how can I help you prepare. I decided I was doing no favors by protecting her feelings and pretending she was going to be fine. She is not. She has choice, but I do not – can not – protect her from the inevitable. Denying the inevitable is actually going to compound the problem by not being prepared. I have every ounce of sympathy for you. I am so very, very sorry.
WoodswomanWrites* July 21, 2019 at 6:21 pm I’m so sorry to hear about all this. It must be devastating to watch your mother decline so quickly. Though the situation is hard, I’m glad to hear that there’s a plan for her to get the care she needs and that she is aligned with it and not in opposition. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding, but it sounds like the place she’s going is intended as transitional. If that’s the case and the next step is her coming home, I worry about you returning to the situation where you are once again her sole caregiver much of the time. That’s not sustainable for either of you. I hope that together you can arrange for your mother to find a place to live that gives her what she needs, including a community of other seniors. Ideally she would come to appreciate that on her own based on where she is now, and be open to that so you don’t have to argue about it. Thanks for continuing to post updates. However it shakes out, I send my best to you.
Lilith* July 21, 2019 at 6:32 pm Fingers crossed that she will like this transitional place and find new friends or hobbies there. This is a lesson to all of us to but long term care insurance.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 6:38 pm Thankfully, it’s for respite care, like if your family goes on vacation, and you shouldn’t be alone, you can check in if there’s a room available and get level 1 care, meaning you can bathe, dress yourself, get to the dining room, feed yourself, etc. but there are people there and call bells in case you have an issue, BUT they have long term for level 3 people, like dementia patients. Mom would be level 2. She could stay for a short term, long term, or if I went away, she could go for a few days, that type of thing. Honestly, she needs supervision. Too many things going on, and when she fell over backward, there was literally no warning and she just went. She claims not to have been dizzy and said no LOC, so that’s a big deal.
Quandong* July 22, 2019 at 12:39 am You’re absolutely correct to say that your mother needs supervision to be safe. She is extremely lucky that she didn’t suffer a more catastrophic injury in her recent fall. It seems like her complex health needs are obvious and I hope you get support from the medical team, since you know your mother will stubbornly insist on returning home. It sounds like you are incredibly busy with all the appointments and visits. I hope you might be able to access a social worker for advice. Is there a mechanism that can be used to keep your mother in this current place such as a safety plan and needs assessment? (I live in another country and our system is different but I hope there is something available to you to keep your mother in her current location. My grandmother was assessed by an Aged Care team when in hospital after a bad fall and injury. As a result of the assessment she was deemed unable to return to her home and went from hospital to an aged care home at the equivalent of level 3; her needs were too high to safely stay at her home, and even a live-in nurse would not have been suitable due to the stairs, trip hazards, etc.) Sending jedi hugs if you’d like them.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 6:40 pm Oof. Some good, some not so good and all very tough. You’re doing all the right things. See if you can find someone (social worker, financial adviser or the like) that can help you figure out what, if anything, you can do to get your mother help / more eligible for services. Also, I understand that you’re looking for a new PCP for her. When you find someone, please push them to really look at what’s going on and see if there is something treatable there.
Lizabeth* July 21, 2019 at 10:13 pm Something else to think about: you are her daughter, not her caretaker. This was driven home for my sister and I dealing with our father last fall before he passed away. This means getting your Mom in the appropriate place where she can get the right level of care so she can be as functional as possible. Her happiness depends on her alone, not what you do or don’t do. Time to get the social services involved so options can be figured out while she’s in rehab. Especially if she has major bone loss, assisted living may be the best option to keep her safe and healthy. My grandmother had her hip just crumble, not from a fall, and she did not recover from the hip replacement that had to be done. Also consider that she may be easier to work with once she gets a decent nights sleep too. And definitely have her evaluated for memory loss at this point. Virtual hug: you will get through this.
going anon bc I’m embarrassed* July 21, 2019 at 10:22 am I apologize if This will be a little gross. Any recommendations for toilet paper that doesn’t tear easily or leave little pieces? I’ve tried all the charmin varieties, store brands, cheap single ply, etc and they all have the same problem
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 10:08 pm Seventh Generation. Follow with baby wipes so you can use less paper, overall.
Aurora Leigh* July 21, 2019 at 11:01 am We buy Angel Soft. The “plushy” brands can lead to what my aunt calls “lint buildup” lol. I’ve heard of people using reusuable fabric wipes, which isn’t my cup of tea, but might be an option.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 12:54 pm Look at the surface. If it’s smooth looking it doesn’t break up so much. All that super soft 3+ply is a disaster you nearly need to have a shower after!
MissDisplaced* July 21, 2019 at 1:14 pm Scott Tissue regular. Longtime standby, bit rougher but non- sticky.
university minion* July 21, 2019 at 2:35 pm +1… and you don’t have to change the roll as often. As an aside, at formerjob, I had to keep those big institutional size rolls under lock and key. Those things walked given half a second unsupervised.
Gatomon* July 21, 2019 at 11:02 pm Different bums seem to like different kinds, I think. I had a bitter argument in a store back in college – my roommate preferred one brand and I preferred another – he claimed the brand I liked left pieces behind, and I thought his brand was too thick and contributed to the toilet clogging. I honestly considered maintaining multiple toilet paper rolls in the bathroom, but it seemed cheaper to trade off purchasing and deal with it.
Riding the TMIcycle* July 21, 2019 at 11:06 pm One thing that can help if you’re trying to remove a lint buildup is to use about a teaspoon of cooking oil on the tp when you wipe. (Not as an every time thing, just the once.)
Curing Thyroid Disease* July 21, 2019 at 10:28 am Has anyone had success in curing thyroid disease naturally? I have had hypothyroid since I was 18 (I am now 31) and have been on synthroid since then. I have seen some endocrinologists who have told me that I have Hashimoto’s, although I have zero symptoms of having that autoimmune disease (I do keep my diet in check as well as work out a lot). I have read about people who have cured their thyroid problems naturally but every scenario I’ve read is where that person has been diagnosed then immediately started doing natural things like supplements/eliminating things from their diet, vs someone who has been taking synthetic medicine for 13 years.
Home for the summer* July 21, 2019 at 12:26 pm Everyone I know of who has “cured their thyroid naturally” has had long term thyroid problems come back and ended up worse than ever. Every. Single. One. Have you been tested for Hashimotos? If you have antibodies, and you have low thyroid, you DO have it, whether you have other symptoms or not. If you don’t want “synthetic medicine” try Armour thyroid or naturethroid.
Kuododi* July 21, 2019 at 2:42 pm I’m sorry but those folks talking about this or that “natural remedy” for thyroid problems are typically marketing snake oil. There is no magic/quick fix remedy to eliminate thyroid problems. Additionally it’s crucial to remember “natural” doesn’t mean interaction/side effects free. Believe me…I started dealing with thyroid problems in ’98. If there was some way to eliminate the problem through nutrition or supplements, I would be all over it like a duck on a June bug. Best wishes
Cheesesteak in Paradise* July 21, 2019 at 3:22 pm How is taking a supplement (usually also in pill or capsule form) more natural than taking levothyoxine which is a version of the actual hormone your body makes? Supplements are unregulated, untested and the ingredients aren’t verified. And they still pills so how is that so natural?
Elizabeth West* July 21, 2019 at 4:06 pm Please don’t fall for this con. It’s as bad as homeopathy and anti-vaxx bullshit. Your medicine is a form of the hormone your body is under-producing or not producing, and it’s not unnatural in the least. A good diet can help with a lot of health problems, but it won’t cure thyroid disease. Untreated hypothyroidism causes complications that can severely compromise your health and eventually kill you.
Rebecca* July 21, 2019 at 6:22 pm I totally second this. The best thing IMO is to take the meds, but ask your physician if there are any foods or supplements that could help or hurt you, and either take/avoid.
Mimmy* July 21, 2019 at 6:50 pm Not suggesting this but I’m throwing it out there… Last year, there was a little buzz about a book called The Plant Paradox, by Dr. Steven Gundry, because singer Kelly Clarkson read the book and she said she was able to get off of her thyroid medication (along losing weight); I think she’s had thyroid disease for a number of years. In a nutshell, the diet is about avoiding foods with lectins, so you’re eliminating even some fruits, vegetables and whole grains. I’ll post a link to a recent article in a reply; it has a few links to earlier related articles. A couple of the articles do essentially say that this diet is a fad. Whether or not this really can cure thyroid disease naturally remains to be seen.
Mimmy* July 21, 2019 at 6:51 pm Here’s the article https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/diet-nutrition/a21931116/plant-paradox-diet/
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 7:04 pm When the best advocate you can find for a medical position is an actor or other celebrity, that should tell yo something. This diet is totally unproven, and the claims simply don’t hold up for a lot of reasons. I really wouldn’t put a lof of effort on something like this.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 6:54 pm The only way to diagnose Hashimotos correctly is via bloodwork. Symptoms or autoimmune or the lack thereof don’t tell you anything. You can’t cure Hashimotos, and you can only hope to control the problem naturally if you catch it IMMEDIATELY. Because Hashimotos winds up actually doing damage to your thyroid that can’t be corrected. Not that it’s a bad idea to eat well, exercise, etc. as it can improve overall immune system health which is all to the good. Just understand the limits of what diet, exercise and possibly supplements can do for you.
Lilysparrow* July 21, 2019 at 8:03 pm The thing about autoimmune endocrine diseases is that the gland doesn’t just go kaput all at once. As the immune system gradually destroys it, the body tries to compensate by revving it up harder, or in some cases (like thyroid) causing it to enlarge or grow extra nodules. If you are undiagnosed or untreated, this means you will cycle through periods of hyper and hypo thyroidism. So the hypo symptoms can disappear for a while, and sometimes be replaced by hyper symptoms, or if the disease has progressed farther, simply by feeling normal. This doesn’t mean you’re cured. It means your body is under a great deal of stress, and doing long-term damage to itself, in an attempt to power through the organ failure. Probably the reason you have few or no apparent autoimmune symptoms is that you have been on a consistent treatment regimen and therefore been able to do all the things that help regulate your immune system and reduce inflammation. Good for you! The fact that your treatment is working well doesn’t mean you don’t need it. If you didn’t need the medication, taking it would make you very, very sick. You have been taking it 13 years and are quite healthy – excellent! Thirteen years of unnecessary thyroid supplementation would have wrecked you. Personally, I prefer Armour thyroid (natural porcine thyroid) to Synthroid – they do the same thing to my blood work, but my subjective symptoms like fatigue and brain fog are better on Armour. Anybody who has naturally “cured” their thyroid problems didn’t have thyroid disease in the first place. They had a nutrient deficiency. If you believe you were misdiagnosed, get a second opinion from an actual medical doctor and a blood test or biopsy.
chi chan* July 22, 2019 at 4:09 am Only iodine deficiency can be cured by iodine supplements but the thyroid disease in that case is secondary to the mineral deficiency. There are a lot of thyroid diseases. Let the doctors diagnose and treat the specific disease dude. And if something can be cured without medicine a good doctor would let you know.
Aurora Leigh* July 21, 2019 at 10:58 am I’m going to throw my own wedding invite question into the mix today! I have a great aunt who lives a few hours away. She is in her 80s and recently widowed. She hasn’t made the drive to visit downstate relatives since before her husband passed. I hadn’t decided if I wanted to invite her or not, but my parents think I should since we were always invited to weddings for her side (they always sent a gift). She has 6 kids (all coupled with kids/ grandkids of their own, who mostly live near her). I don’t want to invite all of my Dad’s cousins. I’m inviting one of his from a different branch (an only child) who was more of an honary aunt when I was a kid. Anyway, should I invite my great aunt only with the assumption she won’t come? Should I add “and guest” so she knows she’s welcome to have one of her kids drive her down? (My Dad seemed to think “and guest” is for young single people and not elderly widows, and of course she would expect to bring a driver along if she wants to come.) Thoughts?
Bagpuss* July 21, 2019 at 11:59 am I think it would be kind to invite her, and give her a ‘plus one’ . You could always include a note to say you have included the plus one so she can have a family member drive her down if she wants. I don’t think there’s an automatic obligation to invite her just because her family invited you, but given that she’s elderly and recently widowed I suspect that being remembered and invited might mean a lot to her and be fairly easy for you. I don’t think you’re under any obligation to invite all the cousins .
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 10:14 pm If you’d be happy to have her there, invite her. If you don’t even have a relationship with her, no. I wouldn’t explain the +1 because specifying logistics is overstepping and she might want to bring a date. You can offer that she contact you if she wants help, but otherwise, leave it up to her. My Dad seemed to think “and guest” is for young single people and not elderly widows, and of course she would expect to bring a driver along if she wants to come. Does he get that you need a head count and you’d like to know your cousin with wants and warrants or who always punches someone at family events isn’t coming? She might travel earlier and take a cab.
Not So NewReader* July 21, 2019 at 12:57 pm This is how I handled it for at least a half dozen people at my wedding. Most of them came. Since it was just a few people, I called each one and explained they were getting an invite for themselves and for one person to drive them. They were thrilled that I had thought of their concern about getting to the wedding. Rules are different for older people. They don’t tend to think of bringing a date as much. They are more concerned about finding someone to drive them. It’s a different mindset. Call her and tell her what you are doing and why. Give her an easy out, tell her you totally understand if she can’t make it but you wanted her to know she was included. She will probably say, “Well let me look around for who would be available that day.” So it will be a bit before she answers.
MissDisplaced* July 21, 2019 at 1:12 pm I agree with the +1 guest, whether that is a family member or a friend. I think she will be glad you thought of her.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 7:06 pm I agree with this. Making the +1 explicit would be a really kind thing, because she’s probably gong to need need that driver but would not feel comfortable assuming that the driver could attend the wedding too. Don’t invite her on the assumption that she won’t come. But don’t be surprised if she declines.
Aly_b* July 21, 2019 at 1:18 pm What about also including a note that you’d love to see her but know the drive might not be do-able, and you want her to still know that regardless she’s part of the day and you’ll be thinking of her?
Aurora Leigh* July 21, 2019 at 1:36 pm I feel really silly for not thinking of including a note to explain the +1! Thanks guys! :)
Thankful for AAM* July 21, 2019 at 11:00 am Advice for my 27 year old son on how to date? He skipped HS and college so he missed the start of dating and lacks some skills is how I would put it. He works as a sys admin and does not seem to meet single people. He did try speed dating once and dated someone for a few weeks but I got the sense that she found him immature in the dating area (he asked permission to kiss her). But he is not immature in general. He says he is lonely and does want to date. Thanks for any pointers.
Aurora Leigh* July 21, 2019 at 11:14 am I went on my first date EVER at 24, so I feel your son. It was a combination of being really focused on my studies, compicated religous/ conservative upbringing, and general shyness, with a pinch of anxiety thrown in. People here were super helpful at convincing me to go for it! I remember framing (maybe from fposte?) about what I wanted for Future Me and taking steps to get that. I set up my first online profile on ChristianMingle, and went on 2 dates with one guy. He was a dud, and there were very few people in my area using the site. I had a profile up on Match for over a year, with only sporadic checking, and I met my now fiance when we both were about to give up for good. :) For a profile, have nice clear pictures and take time to reall fill it out and talk about your hobbies and interests and what you’re looking for in a partner. I can’t tell you how many guys just wrote “hi” or “ask me anything”. My fiance was my first kiss and my first everything else physical. He was really sweet and patient with me and let me really set the pace. Your son shouldn’t worry about being inexperienced, the right person won’t care about that! For the record, I think it’s very sweet to ask permission for a first kiss!
Dan* July 21, 2019 at 3:04 pm “For the record, I think it’s very sweet to ask permission for a first kiss!” Broadening this a bit: Keep in mind that everybody is different. Just because Person A thought asking for a kiss was a turn off, Person B may not. So OP’s son shouldn’t change just because one person doesn’t like something. That and in the MeToo era, some of the messaging is that guys *should* be asking for permission.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 10:16 pm I got the sense that she found him immature in the dating area (he asked permission to kiss her). He sought consent. Good for him.
Lilysparrow* July 21, 2019 at 8:48 pm Yes, my now-husband asked if he could kiss me for the first time, and it was adorable. FWIW, we were 32 and 34 at the time, and it was by no means either of our first dating experiences. Not by a long shot. That was just a mismatch, not a commentary on his “maturity”. If he feels like asking verbally instead of relying on body language is the right move for him in a particular situation, or with a particular person, then that is a perfectly A-OK way to operate. The thing about dating is, it’s not about getting everyone to like you. It’s about finding the right match.
ArtK* July 21, 2019 at 11:35 am Don’t date. That is, don’t go out with the intent of “finding someone.” Find activities that he enjoys. Activities that involve other people. Join Meetup or other groups, but *DON’T* go with the goal of getting a date. Make friends, men and women. Reeking of “I’m looking for someone” is one of the biggest turn-offs there is.
NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser* July 21, 2019 at 12:06 pm Aurora has great advice. Does he already have a 1) network of (non-gaming/non-technical) friends, that he initiates and does activities with? 2) social interaction and conversational skills to sustain an evening (hour minimum) with relative strangers or even relatives who do not know him well? Comfortable and conversant with those who have a different world? 3) interests – or at least the ability to grow interests – outside of his technical area of expertise? Does he hike with a meetup group, volunteer at a shelter, tutor / big brothers, or participate in a community (faith, or any topic of interest) that has regular gatherings and interaction? Three good reasons. (Coming from my somewhat similar issues at that age, I found HUGE value in improving the above and did NOT do enough. ) For one thing, without framing it as dating – which it is not – it becomes lower risk to improve those skills and frankly, many of us had (have) room to grow at that age and even now. He can try and learn new skills in conversation, and learn what worked and what didn’t with different people – and how to manage the difficult ones. He may not yet realize that a new person in his life would come with their circle and he will not have physical attraction to smooth the way of interaction with their BFF and/or family. Being able to enjoy (or at least deal) with a variety of topics and conversational styles… needed. And more facile in conversations to start with. No one is expecting him to switch from an introvert to an extrovert, but he can become more socialized (as I did) to learn to get others to open up and be comfortable with them. Second, they become a more interesting person in general, and that helps give time to grow friendships (and relationships). You can speed date but if you don’t have anything but “X” to talk about you are boring. This widen their opportunities to meet someone. There’s been a large number of my friends who met folks at either volunteer/club/events (where they were NOT there to meet someone)… and over time, realized this was the one. Same with meeting folks through friendship network. (one was introduced to fiance initially at the engagement party of mutual friends). Key – it can take time to find someone and it’s really helpful to fill your life with the growth and being the kind of person YOU want to be. Being “married” or “with someone” does not define you. You define you. If he pursues “finding someone” as an end goal…. his singular focus means his life loses a depth and dimension he otherwise has an opportunity to build. He rules out all the rich opportunities to learn new hobbies, become a better person, get in touch with his feelings, build his network, and be well rounded. It can be a vicious spiral to focus on “I don’t have the one, I’ll be single forever” and then you get anxious or depressed, and then you stay in more or miss growth opportunities. I won’t go to the worst option – your self esteem gets lower and lower, so you grab/accept the first (oh “only!” in your brain) dysfunctional person that wants you… and there are worse things than being single. Locked into a bad relationship. So maybe he is already great at the three “balanced life” areas…. but maybe not. By helping him to grow those, he may find the right person. If not (and I do think the dating advice from Aurora is +100), he will have a life well lived, regardless.
Aurora Leigh* July 21, 2019 at 1:32 pm Aw, thanks! Your advice is really on point too! For me, I had already built a good friend circle and even had a guy friend before diving into the dating sites. But I have like zero flirting ability. After years of working with the public, I had somehow perfected a do not hit on me vibe, but I couldn’t figure out a way to actually show I was interested in real life, or figure out who might be interested. So online took a lot of pressure of that way, as my default assumption whenever I met a nice guy in real life was that he was taken.
Anona* July 21, 2019 at 1:22 pm Apps/online dating can be good, because then he’s not having to try to figure out how to ask someone out. He should consider approaching it from a “practice makes perfect” perspective. It will be awkward at first, and he’ll make mistakes, but the more dates he goes on, the more he’ll learn about both how to do it and what he likes and is looking for.
Auntie Social* July 21, 2019 at 4:27 pm And have a list of good generic questions—what was your favorite toy when you were a kid? Do you still have it? Like that.
xxx9* July 21, 2019 at 2:53 pm Captain Awkward has a great assortment of advice, coupled with what all the comments here have said. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser and Aurora really hit the nail on the head though. The Captain’s advice is scattered across various letters but this piece is a good place to start (absolutely nothing to you personally with the title of this one, OP, as you are helping your son towards something he expressed to you! But the advice might help your son navigate the feeling that he is lonely and has to be paired off because everyone around him is or because he is X years old and that’s what people do at that age): https://captainawkward.com/2016/11/10/916-singleness-is-not-a-problem-to-be-solved-so-i-can-i-get-my-family-to-stop-trying-to-solve-it-for-me/
Sam Sepiol* July 21, 2019 at 4:55 pm I’m currently looking for someone to date after divorce, I’m in my mid 40s, and the idea of someone saying that they’d like to kiss me and not just lunging at me is absolutely lovely. I mean, I’d like it to be “I’d like to kiss you” or even “please can I kiss you now?!” rather than “please can I have your permission??” but honestly even that is pretty sweet. Which is to say, if that put someone off, that doesn’t mean he was wrong. I wish him luck <3
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 7:10 pm Wait, a woman thought is was immature for asking permission to kiss?! He dodged a billet right there. Sure, it’s sometimes obvious if the other person would welcome a kiss, but it is not always the case, especially if you don’t know each other that well. MUCH better to ask – I would think that any sensible woman would be happy that someone is actually trying to be totally respectful of her consent! I’m curious though – is your son neuro-atypcial? And does he have other social issues? If yes to either, perhaps some coaching on “soft skills” might be useful.
Miskin* July 22, 2019 at 12:14 am I suggest that you let your 27 year old son do some of his own research about dating – he’s well and truly old enough to take the initiative here. You may like to point him towards therapy or counselling if he wants to seek advice and build confidence in himself as part of dating and learning how to develop relationships outside of the workplace.
Thankful for AAM* July 22, 2019 at 6:59 am Thanks to everyone for the advice, all really helpful. It was especially helpful to be reminded that it was just one woman’s reaction to him. I do think he relies on me and advice from me “too much.” He and I discuss that but for now, that is where we are. We do have more than one person on the spectrum on both sides of our family so being not neuro-typical may play a part here and he is in counseling. I think he needs more practical advice about where and how to meet people, how to be in situations to be around others he can make friends with (friends and girlfriends) and we got some good ideas here. I also never go to captain awkward – looking forward to doing that and will recommend it to him. Many thanks all!
Pension tracing in the UK* July 21, 2019 at 11:47 am Hi – has anyone had luck tracing pensions in the UK using an online service? I left the UK about 20 years ago – I possibly have 2 pensions to track but left all the paperwork related to them at my parents house and they got lost in a house move a while ago -hideous school photos and other memorabilia survived – go figure. I’ve tried contacting one firm who sent a generic “we may have your money we’re not sure, send us more info” letter. I still live abroad and so if I can pay someone to do a quick online search and find them I would much prefer that to trying to do this from afar. Everything has to be done via snail mail – there are no email or telephone numbers available when I checked on the UK govt pension tracing service. Thanks
Weegie* July 21, 2019 at 2:54 pm It sounds like you’ve gone through the correct process – all the .gov tracing website does is supply you with the contact details for the relevant pension scheme adminstrators, and then you have to contact them direct. When I did this a few years ago, I contacted the administrators with my National Insurance number, the company I worked for, and the dates of my service there, and that allowed them to check whether or not they had pension funds in my name (they didn’t, as it happens). You have to contact the administrators in the way they specify. I’m guessing the reason they prefer postal contact is to avoid the possibility of fraudulent claims in your name. I’m not aware of any third-party online service that would do this for you – and I would be very wary of anyone that purported to offer such a service. Others may have more up to date info.
Pension tracing in the UK* July 22, 2019 at 2:51 am Thanks – that makes sense. I figured I’d have to slow down and do it the way they want – too much chance of fraud/identity theft if done by email. I’ve hit a milestone birthday and am buying a house and it’s totally freaked me out and made me anxious to check pensions etc. I wish to goodness I’d paid more attention to this stuff in my 20s and 30s and not spent my 40s playing catch up.
Judy sss* July 21, 2019 at 11:03 pm I taught in England for two years many years ago. Someone told me to apply. I did, to the overseas pension dept. I can look it up if you are interested. I got a pension, was allowed to buy back some of the missing years and now get 13 deposits a year of about 110 dollars each. I had to give where and when I worked and addresses. More than recovered the pay back. Quite happy to receive it!
Pension taxing in the UK* July 22, 2019 at 2:41 am Thanks – you just reminded me I’ve got 9-10 years of social security contributions from when I worked in US. I sent a letter but didn’t hear back so I must follow up with them. I managed to sort my UK pension contributions out a while ago – did the same buy back of missing years so that’s one less thing to worry about.
Weegie* July 22, 2019 at 4:59 am You’re referring to the state pension – your entitlement can indeed be checked online via the .gov website, and if you qualify for a UK pension you can claim it when you reach the relevant retirement age. But company pensions, which the original poster was enquiring about, can only be checked directly with the administrators for whichever scheme runs the company pension – there’s no third party website (that I’m aware of) where you can do that. If you find you were formerly in a company pension scheme, you can often take the pension as a lump sum now rather than waiting for pension age to arrive. Hence the need to be very, very careful when tracking these ones down so as not to be sucked in by some scammy website claiming to ‘unlock your pension funds’ for you!
TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House* July 21, 2019 at 12:45 pm Would she be open to a nursing home? Even with too much for Medicaid, she could have an Income Diversion Trust set up.
Staxman* July 21, 2019 at 2:36 pm I discovered this site in the last 2 or 3 months, and I have a question or two: Where did the teapot motif come from, and why are people’s male coworkers often referred to as Fergus?
Oldster* July 21, 2019 at 2:45 pm Generally – it’s to help people stay anonymous. So instead of the real employer it’s a teapot designer or manufacturer, etc. Same with Fergus. There are few in real life. Since we are talking about real events you don’t want co-workers to easily find you. That’s why few people use actual names or the same name they use to post in other places.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 3:01 pm I think Fergus was randomly used by Alison once as the name of an unpleasant co-worker, and it was rare enough for USAns that it got seized on as a useful catchall pseudonym for such people. A commenter built on the British phrase of “about as useful as a chocolate teapot” and it caught on, especially as a lot of people here like tea. So I think they were chocolate for a while and then just because teapots. (If anybody else remembers better, please do correct me!)
Staxman* July 21, 2019 at 3:13 pm Yes, I figured it was about anonymity. I wondered why teapots (rather than some other item) and why Fergus (rather than some other name).
Acornia* July 21, 2019 at 4:14 pm Sometimes llamas are used instead of teapots. It’s all just randomness to obfuscate.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 5:03 pm Alison in a thread on the random choosing of Fergus: https://www.askamanager.org/2014/10/my-coworkers-were-on-their-phones-during-a-job-interview-my-work-computer-breaks-daily-and-more.html#comment-578652
xxx9* July 21, 2019 at 3:18 pm I actually kind of love it because you can just imagine the worst office in the world is Teapots Inc with John, Jane, Wakeen, and Fergus as your main troublemakers. But see #5 here re: teapots: https://www.askamanager.org/2014/12/do-employers-think-im-trying-too-hard-my-manager-criticized-me-in-front-of-others-and-more.html#teapots
Donut Bun* July 21, 2019 at 3:19 pm My self esteem has taken a HUGE hit this week. Everyone’s using the FaceApp to age themselves and I did too. and I cried when I saw myself. I don’t mean fishing for compliments cute old woman but truly ugly. Like, u know hwo they say that people who are ugly on the inside have it show on their face and they age terribly? That’s how I looked. Like I have a rotten personality and soul and it showed on my face. I looked like a relative, who was/is a very unhappy and difficult person. And I felt horribly guilty for even thinking that. And then today I took a picture of the back of my neck and I wanted to vomit seeing myself. Like, I am so ugly how can anyone love me? No wonder even my own mother doesn’t like me and what does my husband see in me. I know these are not right things to think, but I needed to let it out somewhere annoymously. I can post this on my social media but it’s more like super beautiful women saying “same, girl same.”
WellRed* July 21, 2019 at 3:33 pm You are not your relative. I am assuming you are on the younger side and haven’t really experienced signs of aging yet (if I am wrong, I apologize). It’s not a kind process for anyone. But especially women and I imagine it shocked you more than expected. Delete the app and go kiss your husband.
Donut Bun* July 21, 2019 at 3:45 pm I am in my mid 30s now so starting there. I like my face. I see my relative and I feel all sorts of negative emotions. Like it’s a mirror “you will be ugly just like ___” even though I am taking so many steps to be nothing like them. I am wondering if there is really any truth to the whole if you’re a good person, you will age well and vice versa.
WellRed* July 21, 2019 at 3:50 pm I’m 49 and was generally satisfied with my looks ( Im no beauty queen) until about 45. Still ok, but I wish I’d appreciated myself more when I was younger.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 5:00 pm Mostly I wish I’d used sunblock. And I didn’t even sunbathe or tan, but just ambient sun is enough to take quite a toll.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 10:19 pm I can post this on my social media but it’s more like super beautiful women saying “same, girl same.” Perhaps they think you are super beautiful.
Observer* July 21, 2019 at 7:28 pm No truth whatsoever. It’s as much a lie as the idea that beauty and virtue have any connection.
Quandong* July 22, 2019 at 3:17 am I’m incredibly skeptical that there is any correlation between being a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person and appearance (at any age). (For one thing, it’s a tremendous oversimplification to describe people as either good or bad, we are more complex than that!) I think you might benefit from talking with somebody about your worries, if you don’t already have a counsellor. You are already taking steps so you don’t follow the path of your relative. It seems that you have been quite affected by using the app, and it’s set off a lot of emotions for you. If you have intense feelings of self-hatred after looking at photos of yourself, this is a sign that something is out of balance. Please seek some support. You deserve to feel at ease with yourself, no matter what your age or appearance.
Anon Phd* July 21, 2019 at 3:42 pm Agree with WellRed 100%. Also, another reason to delete the app is because your picture may have been part of some data collection scam. Just google “facebook age app” and you’ll see the articles. You’re better off without such gimmicks on your phone. Candy Crush is a waaaay better app :)
Donut Bun* July 21, 2019 at 3:46 pm I can delete the app but the underlying negativity about the other stuff will remain. I have never had so many emotions about a stupid app.
Madge* July 21, 2019 at 3:52 pm Oh, Donut Bun….I can relate. I look a lot like my mom and she hasn’t always been the nicest to me, so looking in the mirror is like looking at her. Sometimes I avoid looking in the mirror. Sometimes it’s hard to separate my face from her behavior, as weird as that sounds. Like I think that since I look like her and sound like her I must be like her. That Face app is not a crystal ball. It’s more like a carnival caricture. The only way we’ll know if it’s right is to wait 20 years. And by then you’ll be long past this. Plus those after pictures look a little flat and soulless…not like a real person. And that whole ‘you get the face you deserve’ is a cliche. It only works when it’s true. Nobody says it when it isn’t. It’s true to you with your relative because you know them. But isn’t there someone awesome who you’re related to as well? Don’t you share some physical characteristics with them as well? And your husband loves you for you. Your looks are part of the package. He chooses you every day. And you choose him. I hope you feel better soon.
Booksalot* July 21, 2019 at 4:28 pm This isn’t really what you asked, but I’m offering reassurance based on how my own obsessive thoughts work: it’s entirely likely that you will NOT age quite like your disliked relative. Our understanding of sun protection, diet, and general well being has advanced very quickly over the past few decades, and it sounds like your relative is already a senior citizen. If it helps you to cope with these thoughts, consider ramping up your skincare routine. You are obviously a kind and sensitive person. Nobody with a rotten personality would GAF about the things that are bothering you. Now, slather on some high SPF and go live your best life.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 4:40 pm It’s not that they’re right or wrong things to think–it’s that this is a degree of unhappiness that makes it clear there’s more going on than an app, and I think you’ve been struggling a lot, and not just with this. This is the kind of struggle that therapy can be really helpful with, and I hope you’ll consider going. I don’t think we have to love our bodies. But I think we can be reasonably at peace with them despite having some complicated feelings; I hope you can find a way to be that.
Sam Sepiol* July 21, 2019 at 5:21 pm I haven’t done the app but I know the pain still. My son has a knack for taking horrendous photos of me when I’m not aware and whenever I try and find photos for a dating app I’m reminded how much I need it: because no one is out there taking photos of me with love (and hey this also applies to when I was married *eyeroll*). I don’t want to sound flip but all I’ve got is therapy and reminding yourself that actually this app doesn’t speak the one universal truth. Jedi hugs, if you want them <3
LGC* July 21, 2019 at 6:27 pm So…man. That’s traumatic! If it helps, not only are you NOT your relative, it’s also not real! Basically, it just takes your current face and adds wrinkles based off of computer code. It’s cool that they can do that, but it’s just a neat trick. And if the relative in question is genetically close (like your mother)…it wouldn’t be surprising that your results came out similarly.
YetAnotherUsername* July 21, 2019 at 7:01 pm Pretty much everyone who I know who has used the app (including me) said “oh my god I look like my aunt / grandad / mother” etc. Because relatives tend to look alike. And as LGC says basically all it does is add wrinkles around eyes and mouth, so you’re gonna look like an older relative in the app. But it seems you have an idea that if you look like your aunt you must be like your aunt. You know that’s not true right? You must realise that is an irrational thought. Even if you looked exactly like your aunt, it wouldn’t mean you have to behave like her.
Luisa in Dallas* July 21, 2019 at 6:41 pm This feeling of loathing your own looks may be more common than you thought. Jen at Epbot.com wrote very honestly about this (and the accompanying feeling of shame) and how she is working to overcome it. (see her post of June 20, 2019). I was stunned at how many women commented that they feel the same self-hatred. (Not me, I’m just your run-of-the-mill photo avoider.) That must be a terrible burden. I hope some of Jen’s techniques help.
Not So NewReader* July 21, 2019 at 6:53 pm This sounds like the movie Dorian Gray. He never ages but his portrait becomes a monster. You have a few things to look at here. Mother-daughter relationships. We get our first sense of worth from our mothers. But it’s not our own source of sense of worth, nor is it necessarily and accurate assessment of our value as individuals. (I was her biggest mistake ever. yeah. okay.) You might want to look at a book or two talking about mother-daughter relationships. It’s pretty normal to notice our own short-comings and where we have been lax. Actually this is a good thing, people who can’t do this are a major PITA. Instead of throwing the baby out with the bathwater here, you could consider changing a couple of things about yourself. I would suggest starting with some books about setting boundaries with others as a solid way of figuring out what is normal and what is an over the top expectation of yourself in your relationships with other people. You may be downing yourself needlessly. We do wear our lives on our faces to some degree. My friend has done construction work outside in all kinds of weather for decades. He describes his look as on a par with “your average ax murderer”. Yeah, his skin is leathery from all that sun and all that hard work. My father wore his sadnesses on his face. You could see years of uncried tears on his face. Others noticed this, so it wasn’t just me. This is an odd idea but maybe to reset the connections in your thinking you could set out to meet some nice yet wrinkly old people. One tiny detail but a critical one is something my wise friend pointed out to me. Watch out for statements about “everyone is doing x” or “everybody thinks y”. These statements are simply not true. I am not looking at that app and I am someone. I am sure we can find dozens here who are also not looking at that app. You don’t have to look at this stuff just because it feels like many around you are looking at it. I think that you had these feelings in place before you looked at your aged self. The aged picture just brought the feelings to the foreground. I agree with those who said therapy. I am big fan of reading to supplement our thought process regarding our own lives. Knowledge is power. It’s not our fault if life circumstance takes away our autonomy. Unfortunately it is up to us to do all that hard work of reclaiming our own power. Believe it or not you have taken your first steps to getting back your own power right here by simply posting.
NoLongerYoung* July 21, 2019 at 8:13 pm I wanted to add one detail. One of the things an app can’t do, is take into consideration “how” you take care of yourself and how your face will reflect your attitudes. It is also applying “norms” and “averages.” I look like a 15 year younger version of my aunt at the this age. (And 20 years younger than my grandmother looked at this age!) Why? The genetics are the same, and I have a striking throwback look in “some” ways. But – the difference in how I look – from how they looked as they aged – has 2 big factors. 1) I have had better nutrition as a child and adult, and more importantly, 2) I am happier and more content as a person (do not discount this). People look at me and say “oh, you have the “NoLongerYoung” family look. ” Well, the bone structure. But the skin, the muscles, the smile lines, the expression – I have controlled that, good or bad, by my decisions and my physical and mental choices. I have chosen to try to be at peace, to find contentment where possible, to try to not be jealous or envious, to be loving and kind and helpful. I have elected to not use (or to try to consciously overcome) the family reputation for being hyper-critical of self and others. My grandmother was not a good person. My aunt was hypercritical. Both were known for sharp tongues and although that grandmother was known for actually being mean. For both of them, the discontent and years of critical expression changed their expressions, due to the soft tissues and muscles grimacing, pursing, frowning and being negative… for both of them, their appearance within that genetic framework of bone, was all about the muscle frowning over that skull. And… my choices does show on my face. My smile is genuine. My friends and family love me; and I am learning to set boundaries (at my advanced age) so that I am not over-stressed, over-committed, and completely worn out. These things affect how your muscles and face “look.” I think that’s why I look so much younger at the “same age.” Separate but related point… I don’t expect to be pretty now, or as I age. But the superficial is not what I love about my circle – those I love, I love because of who they are inside. I trust that I will also be loved for who I am inside, the way I love them. There’s a lot an app can’t predict. You control those things… and it is only as good as the programming. And, in the end, the quality of your love and your heart is more important, and never something an app will be able to measure. (at least, not IMHO). Sending a hug. I
spiralingsnails* July 22, 2019 at 12:01 am I believe that both “nature and nurture” affect how we age. Genetics determine whether I’m likely to wrinkle around my mouth; but it’s my general attitude that determines whether I’ll develop smile crinkles or frown furrows. Genes may decide whether I end up with yellow, silver, or pure white hair; but my acceptance of reality and choice to treat myself like a person worth caring for will impact whether I have scraggled locks or a trim bob with a cheerful hairbow. “Separate but related point… I don’t expect to be pretty now, or as I age. But the superficial is not what I love about my circle – those I love, I love because of who they are inside. I trust that I will also be loved for who I am inside, the way I love them.” Beautifully put, and so true!
Bagpuss* July 22, 2019 at 6:38 am Also, the app is going to exagerate the photo you use to start with. If you took a selfie to use, feeling anxious or with a fake smile, or used a photo where you were ‘smiling for the camera’ then the results will be different than if you used a candid shot in which you were genuiney happy and smaililing spontaneously, because the expression, and the places where you have small smile or frown lines will all be exagerated. Haven’t used the app, (mostly bacause I am behind the times and by the time I became aware of it I also became aware of the issues around data security, at the same time) but the BBC did an articale abotu accuracy, where thy used the app on old photos of celebreties and compared the results with hpow the celebrities actually look now (so they did Sir Ian McKellen , . Dame Judi Dench, Dolly Parton, Morgan Freeman. In some cases the app did pretty well, in others, the subjects look much better being old in real life than in the images the app produced. Morgan Freeman’s is particulalry relevant as his Faceapped pic makes him look way grumpier than the original used or the natural photos of him looking his age!
Anon Phd* July 21, 2019 at 3:37 pm I need some advice about a friend & mini-vacation time. I completed my PhD within the last month, as in , thesis accepted (after a major revision!). As you can imagine I am quite wiped but also relieve. I did it part-time, so stress/work wise, the last year has been quite the doozy, with minimal time for relaxation, nvm a vacation, needed the thesis out of my life. So now, I am thinking of taking a weeklong vacation, I feel I could really use it, but before I plan that, my friend proposed a girls’ long weekend getaway, just me and her; let’s call her Jane. And at first it sounded like a good idea, an upcoming break to look forward to. Jane is not a BFF but we’ve known each other for a few years and often hang out socially, we live near each other and she has a very lively social life, sometimes to the point of , in my mind overdoing it, but to each their own. She can be fun, but is kind of awkward, which can be annoying. Anyway, Jane and I tentatively agreed to go away in a few weeks, we met last night to discuss it. Well, the first thing she did was make a snarky comment that I didn’t give her the choice of chair vs armchair at the table at the restaurant. I was incredulous, because she was the one who asked me if I had a preference – I did, and took the armchair. I called her out on it, asked her if she was serious because it was such a small thing and she said yes, that she likes being asked what her preference is…WTF? So we moved on past that, because I didn’t know how else to react. So we talked about what we wanted to do, what town we want to go to (it’s not a far trip, within a 2-3h driving radius), and, another issue – I don’t like to cook or bring food to getaways, she likes to cook, as she’s on a big health kick and when I said that it’s just easier and nicer to go out, she said “well, I think it’s healthier not to.” And to be fair, we’re both budget conscious, cooking in the kitchen of an airbnb tends to save more money, but this whole thing just makes me groan. And it just felt like I was digging myself in further, like I didn’t know how to get out of this trip, because we had initially agreed on it and now she was getting on my nerves in a big way and I was seriously reconsidering. At the same time, I could really use a getaway soon to relax, I just don’t know if Jane is the right person to take this trip with and how to get out of it gracefully, which I am leaning towards. I may need to do the trip solo given friends’ other schedules, which is not ideal, but might be better than with an annoying friend. To her credit, today, she texted to apologize for the restaurant seating thing, she said she was running on very little sleep and she did not behave like herself. But just dealing with her for an evening, made me think “2-3 days of this??”. Thoughts? Am I being too picky with this friend? And any ideas of how to deal with a restaurant situation like yesterday more assertively?
WellRed* July 21, 2019 at 3:46 pm Geezus, I think I would have cancelled over the chair thing alone! Is this typical for her? Cancel. It’s your weekend too and you two sound incompatible ( she sounds downright difficult).
Anon phd* July 21, 2019 at 4:16 pm Thx so much for the validation…honestly it was a relief to write this out and see, in writing how ridiculous last night sounded. The “this is healthier” is typical, and the “chair”-style difficulty pops up too. At a recent getaway with four of us, one of the girls, Mary, made an innocent joke about how Jane’s nice but more conservative roommate would react if Jane has a hot man over for one night. It was truly funny in the moment, there was no malice to it, but Jane said she felt it was a commentary that her recent relationships have been very short..Mary said none of that and had to apologize because Mary felt slighted…eyeroll. I may need to work on making more better friends…
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 4:58 pm Traveling together is, IMHO, hard, you really need to be willing and able to put effort into getting along under some stressful circumstances even in the best of trips. If you guys are rubbing blisters into each other just going out for dinner, I really wouldn’t want to sign up for an out-of-town trip where you have a high chance of being overheated and hungry and making decisions about public transport while you haven’t had enough to sleep. I’d bail. I’d say either that you realize you want to take this time by yourself or go or a little more candor in saying you’re thinking a shorter trip might be a better first togetherness experience for you two. And stick to it if she pushes. “It’s just not right for me right now” is a good coverall statement that you can repeat if need be. As for how to deal with the restaurant thing more assertively, I think a mild “Ouch. That was kind of mean. What’s up?” can be useful; you’ve officially clocked the behavior but haven’t picked a fight, and if she wants to duck the topic you might be satisfied to let it go at that if you don’t want to go further. If it does go farther, I think the behavior I’d name would be good faith and communication: “Jane, I like to give my friends what they want and need when possible, and I trust them to tell me what that is. If you have a preference, I trust that you’ll tell me; if I need to guess, we’ll both be unhappy. Would you be willing to try to tell me directly in the future?”
Not So NewReader* July 21, 2019 at 7:03 pm I agree. If you really want to bow out gracefully (she doesn’t seem to worry about stuff like this) then say, “I really thought it over and I have come to realize that I just need quiet time. So I have decided that I will be going by myself.” And it’s true the more people that go on a trip together the longer everything takes and the more complex everything is. Seven people in a mini-van on a day trip and it took 1.5 hours for everyone to use the bathroom at a pit stop. On my own, I am back in the car and on the road in about 6-7 minutes.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 10:25 pm I think she is a super-small-doses friend. (I would reevaluate whether she’s a friend at all.) Go alone, if you have to, but do not travel with her. It’s one thing after the other with her and she seems to just plain want her way. She expected you to return the armchair question and, when she said yes/armchair, to cede? ¿Qué? Hanging with her sounds like penance. Have the getaway you deserve.
Washi* July 21, 2019 at 4:23 pm Based on this, I think you should cancel. I just got home from staying with someone who I like as a dinner companion, but, it turns out, not as a travel host. It was pretty miserable, partly because of our incompatibility, partly because I had so many conflicting feelings as a result – She’s such a nice person, why am I so grumpy with her? I spent all this money to come here, how am I not enjoying myself? Why can’t I just roll with all her quirks? Why am I not feeling totally elated to be in this place that I’ve been dreaming of visiting? Traveling with someone for the first time is always a bit of a crapshoot, and if you are irritated by her before you’ve even left…not a good sign.
Alex* July 21, 2019 at 5:02 pm Oh no way. Definitely cancel. It doesn’t sound like you are comfortable enough with each other to travel together. Traveling together is a very intimate experience and when there is a lack of familiarity + mixed goals and expectations, that is just a recipe for trouble. If the two of you aren’t comfortable enough with each other to honestly state preferences about chairs (and clearly she isn’t, because she DIDN’T) and work that out without having tension, a long weekend is going to feel reaaaallllly long. There are a small handful of people in this world I’d agree to travel with…and I’m thinking of adding one more person to that group, but am still working over “is our friendship ready for this yet?”. And we are already waayyyy past “Girl, get out of my chair!” level of friendship. This isn’t really about how long, necessarily, you’ve been friends, but the level of comfort and ease of communication between you. As for handling the chair situation…I’d probably just say, “Oh, well when you asked me my preference, I assumed you didn’t have one, or you wouldn’t have offered me the choice in that way. Next time, speak up!”
fhqwhgads* July 21, 2019 at 5:27 pm She’s a jerk if she asked you about the chairs and then got snippy with you for not asking her right back and then deferring to her preference. That’s passive aggressive. The other stuff sounds like you just have incompatible going-on-trips preferences. So it’s probably not a great idea to go on a trip with her. That doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person all around or the friendship is entirely doomed, but from this small sample I think vacationing together you’ll probably drive each other nuts.
un-pleasing* July 21, 2019 at 6:43 pm You can cancel, and feel good about it. You just finished your PhD, which is a momentous, huge thing. Of course you need to recover and rest. A lot of people find this period exhausting or even slightly depressing because this huge thing is now done and out of the way. Going solo will mean you don’t have to look after Jane’s feelings when yours need some tending. Go on your own, and try not to even think too much about Jane. You’ve earned this.
Anon Phd* July 21, 2019 at 9:59 pm Thanks for saying that the post PhD period is exhausting…it is! On the one hand, I finally have my life back, can try new hobbies/sports, one of which I already signed up for, but at the same time it’s a weird new life without this big goal in it, and tbh, sometimes I have a hard time figuring out how to plan a Sunday without homework in the morning, lol and THEN I get mad at myself for not relaxing enough..topsy turvy lol. I’ll figure it out, 100% sure of that, but good to know I’m not the only one who’s gone through the weird feelings at the end of a PhD.
Anon Phd* July 21, 2019 at 9:53 pm Everyone, thanks for your awesome responses, sending you virtual hugs for this, the scripts for how to deal with the restaurant scenario are just fantastic):) :) Your responses are more appreciated because they are super supportive and I ended up with a shitty evening, which I didn’t see coming. I went to dinner with my parents to celebrate my dissertation acceptance dinner. Right afterwards, they got on my case, in a mean, mean way, because I refused their request to house-sit their home while they go on vacay. I am in my mid 30s, unmarried, and live 40 mins from them, so in their mind, I’m just supposed to move into their home for a week. I offered to pay for a professional house-sitting service, that I researched, a service that even parks a car on the driveway for the duration of the time they’d be away, but no, all I heard was “I don’t want a stranger in my house!” on repeat and “we are in need!” and “we are disappointed we can’t count on you!” “So and so’s kids always help them!” What a shit show. I used all my learned assertiveness skills to push back, which of course worked, I can’t be budged, but in the end I just burst into tears and drove home, it was too emotionally taxing and completely disappointing. Apparently a completed PhD means I am at my parents’ disposal and have no rights to my personal life. It’s been an exhausting weekend folks, and it’s time for some good Netflixing and a glass of wine and possibly contemplation of a job that takes me HOURS away from them. THANK YOU again, you’re all great :)
Lilith* July 21, 2019 at 11:43 pm Yikes shit show is right. Your parents? Smh! Should have totally been celebrating you and not bringing up what you can do for them. Sorry your celebratory dinner was ruined.
Bagpuss* July 22, 2019 at 6:53 am Yikes. How frustrating. I’m sorry you had to deal with that, especially when you were suppsoed to be celebrating. With the weekend rip, I’d agree that backing out is probably a good idea, unless you think you can realistically speak to Jane and come to a compromise that *you* would be happy with – e.g. eating out in the evenings but not for breakfasts, or cooking one night while you are away,or something lik that. However, if a compromise like that would make it feel like work rather than fun, then backing out now rather than goinging andspending the whole weekend feeling stressed and uncomfortable is much preferable. I think it s wotrh bearing in mind that it is normally much easier to make compromises and feel OK with doing so if you are really close and if the other person is also willing to compromise. A friend and I had several happy and sucessful holidays togther despite some fairly significant diferences in preferences because we are very close and were both willing to compromise andto accommodate the other, and I think part of it was because we did both explicitly recognise that the other was making some sacrifices / going outside their comfort zone.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2019 at 7:30 am If I were in your shoes I would be to freakin pooped to deal with all this arguing. I’d be crying on the way home also. I think your “charming” friend should house sit for your parents and you can just run away./snark… but with a heavy dose of empathy.
Anon phd* July 22, 2019 at 9:45 pm Hi there, thanks to all who replied after my followup message. Made me feel better after a crappy night. You’re all awesome and super kind :) Thank you again!
Dee-Nice* July 21, 2019 at 4:05 pm I’m on maternity leave and exclusively breastfeeding my baby. It’s going well, but gods, I’m so bored! Feels like I’ve read the entire internet. Anyone have good time-killer suggestions for when I’m attached by boob to my newborn and the phone is my only lifeline? Website, tv, and book recs are all welcome. Sorry, I hate podcasts, though if the topic is interesting and there’s a transcript I will give it a read. Can’t handle anything too dark/violent for my hormonal state of mind right now, and NOTHING where anything bad happens to a child or parent of a small child. I’ve been watching a lot of What Not to Wear reruns, to give you an idea of where I’m at. I’ve also enjoyed rewatching 90s action movies/thrillers (The Fugitive, The River Wild) where I know there’s a happy (or at least righteous) ending, and I read a good fantasy trilogy (The Farseer Trilogy) that kept me going for a few days. Would enjoy a good beach read about now. Thanks in advance!
Anon phd* July 21, 2019 at 4:34 pm Hi, here’s a link about beach reads: https://www.gofugyourself.com/your-monday-morning-chat-in-honor-of-judith-krantz-rip-its-your-all-time-favorite-beach-reads-06-2019 I am loving Riders by Jilly Cooper right now. It’s dated, but oh so salacious and very interesting about horses. Eligible by Curtis Sittenfeld is another fave. For tv, my fave positive/comfy tv is Grace and Frankie on Netflix, any season of Big Bang Theory, and movie-wise Murder Mystery, on Netflix, with Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler. Hope this helps your boredom a little bit :)
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 4:45 pm Offbeat but possibly interesting: Netflix has Still Standing, which is a Canadian standup comedian’s tour of small-town Canada; in each episode he travels to a small struggling town, meets a handful of locals, and finishes with a standup routine developed completely around the town. It’s very sweet and affectionate with beautiful scenery.
Middle School Teacher* July 21, 2019 at 9:01 pm To add to that, I would recommend Kim’s Convenience and Schitt’s Creek, both Canadian and also both on Netflix.
Elspeth Mcgillicuddy* July 21, 2019 at 5:49 pm This is kind of slow and maybe not what you’re looking for, but I love watching Engel’s coach shop on youtube. He builds and rebuilds old style wagons, coaches and such. Very little talking, just an occasional sentence to tell you what he’s doing. But I love the craftsmanship and watching how all the parts are made and fit together. The giant 20 mule team borax wagons are amazing and quantity of iron work in them is fascinating. I loved the first Farseer Trilogy, liked the second one a lot but don’t quite love it, and totally skipped to the end for the third one just because I did want to know what happened. I recently enjoyed ‘The Spark’ and ‘The Storm’ by David Drake, a King Arthur analog story following a very sensible young man going to be one of the knights of the round table. I’m currently reading his Lt. Leary sci-fi series, but it’s rather Mary Sue. Still, you asked for time-killers and there are maybe a dozen of them and they are rather fun. Classic style pulpy sci-fi with an improbably awesome young space Lieutenant and his best friend, an improbably awesome librarian turned intelligence operative, as they visit strange planets and fight the Alliance.
Lore* July 21, 2019 at 5:58 pm Obvious, but if you liked Farseer, there are two more trilogies about those characters, the Golden Son set and the Fitz and the Fool set. The latter three came out just a few years ago.
Grandma Mazur* July 21, 2019 at 6:00 pm Am currently breastfeeding two under-twos. I read this blog, Captain Awkward, Cake Wrecks (recommended by NotSoNewReader, I think), The Guardian, Slate and *a lot* of Not Always Right (selecting “Popular” generates random returns from the archives). I read the whole of the archive of this blog in the first three months of my first hold being born. I also look at a lot of “Which?” recommendations (that’s UK-based — I think the US equivalent is Consumer Reports?) for kitchen appliances and technological gadgets we may someday want to buy. I keep meaning to get into other problem pages/columns but they all seem to be long-winded or podcasts. I’d happily hear recommendations from others too!
SpellingBee* July 21, 2019 at 6:53 pm For TV I love The Great British Baking Show – you don’t have to follow a plot and can stop and start it as needed. (Also I love baking.) For books, try anything by D.E. Stevenson, they’re my favorite comfort reads and are lovely; just good stories about nice people, with the occasional mild stinker thrown in to leaven the mix! Also like the Number One Ladies Detective Agency series by Alexander McCall Smith. They’re gentle and engaging, with likable characters; there’s always a mystery but it’s never anything violent. There was a great weekend thread a while back about books that I got a lot of good ideas from, if you find that it will have some excellent suggestions.
university minion* July 21, 2019 at 8:09 pm Totally off your beaten path and also a podcast, but check out “My Dad Wrote a Porno” for a good belly-laugh.
Shiny Swampert* July 21, 2019 at 5:30 pm I’ve not had sex in something like 2.5 years, not snogged someone in slightly less than that. It’s been nearly 20 years since I kissed or slept with someone other than my ex. I’ve had a lot of therapy to heal from the abusive ex and I finally want to date again. And I’m off the anti depressants that savaged my sex drive. So I think now I’m so desperate to kiss someone that I’m sabotaging myself. Help?
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 6:10 pm What are you doing that’s sabotage? Right now it just sounds like you want some action, and good for you. Are you having problems finding somebody like-minded? That seems like the kind of problem apps were designed to solve–have you tried any?
Shiny Swampert* July 21, 2019 at 6:48 pm I don’t really know. Maybe I’m just going with the clichés? Yeah I’m on five dating apps I think, I’m finding I’m getting a lot of matchess from people who look right up my street but who are half the world away – so frustrating because I’m clearly doing something right for them to “like” me, but who I can’t really follow up with, because what’s the point if you live far too far away to meet up? I am currently messaging one woman (I’m a woman fwiw) who lives 100 or so miles away but near some other friends of mine so still worth messaging. I think right now I’m caught between “I don’t want to bother with people who are clearly wrong for me” (and I’m also very wary of being sucked back into abusive situations) and “OH MY GOD I just want to get laid”. Last night I kind of flirted with someone a bit and it was so very nice to have someone want to talk to me and touch my arm. I’m a single parent and none of my friends really go out which doesn’t help. I want to go dance and meet people but it’s easier sometimes with other people to go with. Stream of consciousness sorry.
Shiny Swampert* July 21, 2019 at 6:49 pm Also re reading I think I thought I’d put some detail in my first post that wasn’t actually there, so, yeah. Thank you fposte.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 7:49 pm It sounds like you’re doing reasonably well, actually. I also think that it would be perfectly fair to distinguish between a hookup and a relationship possibility and opt for the former in some circumstances. If you’re not in a big city it can be frustrating how big a circle you end up considering but would really prefer not to travel. (I met one guy who I liked reasonably well and I think we mutually concluded that we liked each other but we didn’t 200 miles like each other.) I’m not a go-out-dancing person but maybe people here who are have ideas about how to find fellow goers-out; it can definitely be more fun and relaxed with two. I hope you find somebody to do that with and have a whale of a time.
Rainy* July 21, 2019 at 9:21 pm When I was on dating apps I locked down my preferred location hard because I didn’t want to be connected to people who lived in the next country. One thing might be to make sure that all your preferences are set correctly so you don’t fall for someone who’s 2k miles away. Also, why not just find someone to hook up with? :) A lot of dating apps have a “seriousness of relationship” setting.
Shiny Swampert* July 22, 2019 at 3:05 am Yeah it drives me crackers! I’ve got my location preferences set but: HER absolutely ignores then (although it also told me someone 100m away is 400km away) and all my “top picks” for tinder are usually 80+ miles away which is way outside what I’ve got set. Every time I see them I’m like “THAT IS NOT A TOP PICK, TINDER”. Interestingly my gut reaction to the second question is fear. I really want sex however the idea of hooking up specifically for that and then having to decide whether to go for it or not and potentially having to say no I’m not into it, terrifying. I have literally never dated before and the idea of meeting up specifically for potential sex is just very scary. Loads of stuff to think about. Thank you both.
Quandong* July 22, 2019 at 3:40 am If you haven’t dated before, it’s not surprising that you have a lot of fear around meeting people for hookups. I started dating online as a divorced person when I was about 35. It took a while to feel comfortable. You might consider some low-stakes practice before you meet people for hookups. Personally I coped much better with my anxieties when I gave myself plenty of low-stakes practice i.e. meeting people who seemed quite okay for a coffee but giving myself permission to leave after 20 minutes if it was not an enjoyable conversation. Captain Awkward’s site is excellent for all sorts of advice if you want to prowl around there. I hope you don’t have to overcome too much silliness from the apps to get what you want!
Rainy* July 22, 2019 at 11:04 am When I was dating, the hookups went mostly like this: person looks interesting on the site. I send a message, or they do, we set up a meeting, I meet them and one of three things happens: 1. They are interesting, fun, attractive, attracted to me, we are both interested in a more serious relationship, we move forward. 2. They are absolutely horrific in every way, I bail, grateful that I didn’t talk to them too much or give them my number (ALWAYS COMMUNICATE THROUGH THE APP) 3. They are hot but not relationship material, and I would like to have sex with them. They seem to also be attracted to me. I ask if they want to come home. They either say yes, in which case, we go home, or no, in which case I thank them for their time and go home alone. You’ll notice that all of these take place on an initial date, which is coffee or drinks. It’s low stakes, low expense, and low effort. Never bring your A game for a first date. They are 100% not worth it at that point.
SunnyStreets* July 21, 2019 at 5:57 pm I like to walk around my neighborhood for exercise, and would love any ideas on how to make walking on a hot, treeless streets (no sidewalks) more appealing. Walking early or late with podcasts and music helps, but is there anything I’m missing that could make walking more pleasant? Thanks for any fun ideas!
Reba* July 21, 2019 at 6:03 pm Can I assume that you have your sun protection worked out? For me, a big ass hat, gauzy scarf that I use to keep sun off arms are essential. If that’s not your look, what about an umbrella or UV block parasol? Once you get over looking a little goofy, it helps with comfort immensely!
SunnyStreets* July 21, 2019 at 8:13 pm Thanks Reba! I have the big hat and glasses, but may try an umbrella! I already get looks with just the hat, so a little goofier should be OK. :)
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 6:13 pm It’ll depend on your neighborhood, but I like to have a bit of a goal or destination. There’s that kooky sculpture I drive by sometimes–what does that look like at a slow pace? Who’s got a nice garden or is putting on an interesting extension? What block have I never been down or haven’t been down in a while? Which yards have sprinklers that might spray me enjoyably as I passed?
SunnyStreets* July 21, 2019 at 8:15 pm Thanks fposte – I especially like the idea of looking out for who has sprinklers going…
university minion* July 21, 2019 at 6:23 pm Ask around if there are any routes or trails you don’t know about. I see loads of people walking laps of the 0.4 mile circle of my neighborhood, when they could be doing much of that mileage on a city park trail that requires approx 1/2 mile walk each way. These are folks who are doing much more than 1 mile of laps. I’d be bored stiff doing what they’re doing. I trained for my first marathon doing an out-n-back route that, at the time, was one of the few marked courses in my city (pre-Garmin, LOL). It’s boring AF. Go find some different routes. Drive to a park if you need to. I MUCH prefer to work out from my house, but an “away” run or ride is a great treat.
fposte* July 21, 2019 at 6:28 pm I’ll also drive to a park to walk. People drive to the gym–no reason you can’t drive to a walking venue.
Red Reader the Adulting Fairy* July 21, 2019 at 6:29 pm If you want to gamify your walks, Zombies Run can be done without actually running. You get episodes of a post-apocalyptic storyline interspersed with your own music, plus while you’re walking you “pick up” supplies that you can use to build your own base. (I don’t actually do that part, sim!pocalypse isn’t my thing, but.) The same company also does a similar program called “The Walk” where you walk and at intervals get clues to a mystery to solve.
Free Meerkats* July 21, 2019 at 6:48 pm If heat is a problem, use a cooling bandana. Something like this: https://www.rei.com/product/691097/kafkas-kool-tie I love mine on those days when I have to be out in the sun.
Bagpuss* July 22, 2019 at 6:59 am I find wearin UV protective fabrics and either long sleeves, or separate sleves is cooler than and more comfortable than bare arms (even with sun screen) . Having a specifc goal or destination in mind can be handy, and, depending on you locatin, thinhs like getting a bus afew stopos then walking back, or vice versa, and give you a wider range and make things a bit more interesting. also, driving to somewhere which is a litle more interesting to walk in, even if it is just a differnt neighbourhood with tree-lined streets, would also be somthing you could consider.
SunnyStreets* July 22, 2019 at 12:34 pm Thanks Bagpuss, I’ll try the UV long sleeves. And I especially like the idea of seeking out a nearby neighborhood with trees, since the closest park and walking paths are a bit of a drive.
Sam Sepiol* July 21, 2019 at 6:03 pm https://www.indy100.com/article/keanu-reeves-sign-autograph-bill-ted-movie-9014206 Keanu Reeves: I can’t even. HE ASKED FOR PERMISSION TO SIGN THE SIGN. What a lovely guy.
valentine* July 21, 2019 at 10:33 pm Of course he asked. Otherwise, it’d be vandalism. I really hate the attitude that if a celebrity wants to do something, it’s automatically nice, inherently positive, and above critique. While this adulation is at least not going toward a random white person, especially a white man, for once, it’s still weird and sure to backfire. He’s just a person. We don’t need “X days since awfulness” stats for rock-bottom courtesy.
WellRed* July 22, 2019 at 10:26 am Well said! Some people just need to rain on everyone else’s parade.
Princess Deviant* July 21, 2019 at 6:14 pm Alison, I was sorry to hear about Lucy. The picture of her playing with Eve (?) is gorgeous. Do your other cats ‘know’ that she’s gone?
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 21, 2019 at 10:20 pm I’m not sure! In the last year, because she was sick she’d really stopped interacting with them. And in many ways, they seem not to have noticed the change. On the other hand, all four of them ate significantly less this past week than they normally do (they now seem back to normal) so … maybe they do.
Lilith* July 21, 2019 at 7:06 pm Summer cocktails What’s your favorite? Some in my family like gin & tonic but I’m not a fan. Perhaps I just haven’t found the right gin. I’ve tried both Tanqueray (sp) & Hendricks. To me they taste a bit like rubbing alcohol smells! I want to try a French 125.
Reba* July 21, 2019 at 7:59 pm Pimms or anything based on elderflower liquer Anything with Champagne — from Aperol spritz to simple bubbles + fresh fruit or juice (pomegranate!) with a little citrus, any of the “French [number]” varieties. If you have access to an herb garden, a fresh sprig of something is fantastic. If you don’t like gin, you don’t like it!
Alex* July 21, 2019 at 8:13 pm That’s funny, because to me that is what vodka tastes like. I like gin! If you don’t feel the same way about vodka, maybe a vodka tonic? Or if you are getting fancy, maybe a mojito? Those are very refreshing.
Booksalot* July 21, 2019 at 8:17 pm I like mixed beer drinks, particularly lemon shandy with raspberry lambic.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 21, 2019 at 9:46 pm Mojitos! Sweet and minty, it feels like a summery drink to me, although I would happily drink them year-round! (I don’t only because I don’t like to do much prep work, so usually I’ll have craft beer or single malt scotch. The fanciest I get with any regularity is a Manhattan.)
Bagpuss* July 22, 2019 at 7:07 am I love gin, and Hendricks is one of my favourites, but I know what you mean as vodka to me is like that. Have you tried vodka based cocktails? Or try gin’s from the spcier end of the range, like Ophir. But it may just be that you don’t like gin, so try a diferent base. Mojios are quite summery . Pimms is nice (although a bit sweet for my taste) but is gin-based so you may not like it. Sea Breeze ? _ Vodka, grapefruite and cranberry juice – pretty summery