weekend free-for-all – July 6-7, 2019

by Alison Green on July 6, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Expatriates, by Janice Y. K. Lee, about three American women living in Hong Kong, and how their lives intersect in surprising ways. I sometimes find that when a story changes what character it’s following from chapter to chapter, it’s disappointing when your time with one character gets interrupted for one you’re less interested in. But you’ll be invested in and attached to all three women in this book.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. reader*

    I know there are lots of readers here. Where do you get your ideas for what to read next? It feels like I’m always in-between books and looking for something new. Do you get recommendations from friends? Browse at the library? Is there a web site that will analyze my tastes and tell me what to read? How do you find your next book?

    1. acmx*

      I use Goodreads, book blogs and the weekend open thread mostly. Sometimes I browse at the library, bookstore (online too).

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        Booklist is excellent for reviews, they cover horror and science fiction as well.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Book reviews! That’s one reason so much of what I read is fairly new — I rely heavily on book reviews to find things that are coming out that I might like. (I read the reviews in the NY Times, the Washington Post, and sometimes the New Yorker, but lots of publications have them.)

      Also, the Amazon “people who viewed this item also viewed…” lists on the pages for books I like — often that section has other books I’ll also like.

      There are also a bunch of sites that give recommendations if you enter books you’ve liked, but I haven’t found them that useful. I do like the lists on bookriot.com though — they have lots of lists like “50 novels about bad marriages” and “20 novels that take place in winter” and things like that.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        The Amazon ‘also viewed’ is useful, but you have to be wary about the ‘sponsored items’ lists, which look the same but consist almost entirely of self-published Amazon books.

        I periodically do a search on ‘best fantasy/science fiction books of the past year’ for suggestions. The Tor.com website (a science fiction imprint) has a lot of recommended book lists grouped by theme, not just for their own authors.

        1. OtterB*

          Seconding tor.com as a source of recommendations, including occasional pieces on overlooked older books. Plus they recently started a monthly feature by Jo Walton on the books she is reading, and she has very eclectic taste. John Scalzi’s blog Whatever has a series called The Big Idea where writers- mostly but not exclusively fantasy and SF- talk about their new books. Also, if you like romance in all its variations, Smart Bitches Trashy Books has lots of reviews and discussions.

      2. Luisa*

        Bookriot’s lists are great! A few weekends ago I pulled up my library account and went through probably 10 of their lists and just added stuff to my “to read” list.

      3. Tsalmoth*

        Another I’d add to the list: Lithub.com. Some great stuff there, and at their crime-focused partner, Crimereads.com. Between those and the weekly emails from the NYTimes, I get a LOT of great recommendations.

        I also love browsing the new/express shelves at my library.

      4. JessaB*

        This site drives me crazy some days (good crazy) I always find new websites I now have to check up on. Thanks for reccing bookriot

        oh and a drive by, how do cats get into the position in your picture? Mine does it too, but I never see her getting there, they’re like stealth ninja, suddenly cat pretzel.

    3. HannahS*

      I feel like since I started using online libraries, I’ve lost the ability to browse for fiction. It’s strange; I used to go to libraries and bookstores and browse and come away with a big pile, but now I find it hard to narrow it down. With non-fiction, it’s easy! I go to the section of my interest, which is rarely larger than a book case, and…then the title tells you what’s inside! Easy.

      But with fiction–for example, I might be in the mood for fantasy, but it’s all just organized alphabetically, and actually what I’m looking is something set in a world other than fake-medieval-Europe-as-imagined-by-20th-century-writers, with a female protagonist, real conflict without grim dark misery, and ideally magic that leans more toward the occult-y side and less towards potions and spells. And a love story. But not a love triangle!

      So I often wind up looking on Goodreads, which divide by narrower genre and have that handy “readers also like” feature. Or use Smart B_tches Trashy Books, which generally rates romance but also has a fair number of fantasy recommendations, too. I get recs from friends occasionally, and a number of times I’ve posted here and asked for some. I’ve read and enjoyed a couple of Alison’s recs, as well.

      1. Kali*

        I’ve just started reading All That We See or Seem, which sounds a lot like what you’re describing, though according to reviews, it does develop a love triangle. The Fire Sermon was good too, and I don’t remember that one having a love triangle.

        I realise you weren’t literally asking for those recommendations, but I couldn’t help myself.

    4. Tara R.*

      I do a lot of just reading the backs of books at stores. I don’t read all too fast anymore, so I always have a backlog of books I grabbed thinking they looked interesting. I look for recommendations from IRL and the internet too— I’ve read a couple of Alison’s weekend recs and really enjoyed them!

      1. Luisa*

        I also often take note of what authors have blurbed books I enjoy, and make a point of seeking out their books.

    5. Anonymouse*

      1.) I’m pretty author driven, so I’ll go back to authors whose work I enjoyed (for example, I’m currently on a Shirley Jackson kick) because I am really picky when it comes to prose style.

      2.) I don’t read book reviews, but I read a lot of articles, essays and opinion pieces, and you’d be surprised at how often writers will randomly namecheck a book — then I google the book, and see if I can read the first chapter on Overdrive. I’ve found a lot of interesting books this way; I’m currently reading a fascinatingly gossipy book about women in history + what they ate, which was referenced in a random article I was reading. I discovered one of my favorite French authors when he was excoriated by Simone de Beauvoir in The Second Sex lol

      3.) I love it when people write about beloved books that have been largely forgotten — like David Sedaris about Jenny and the Jaws of Life, a short story collection that he loved by a largely forgotten writer, Jincy Willett. Or how an academic novel from 1965, Stoner by John Williams became an unlikely bestseller in Europe a few years ago; the New Yorker had an article about it, “The Greatest American Novel You’ve Never Heard Of”. These tend to be really great reads!

      4.) It helps that I have pretty catholic tastes, so when I see a book (mystery! Western! Midcentury British tea and crumpet novel!) mentioned, I’ll curiously check it out. I just care if the writing is solid.

      1. Marion Q*

        Agree with all of these, especially #2. Besides articles/essays/opinion pieces, I also take notes of the titles in the further reading/bibliography section of the book (esp when reading nonfiction).

        I also like to browse the TV Trope page of a book I like, and usually that will lead to a trope page which listed other works containing the same trope.

      2. Ginger ale for all*

        Regarding #3 You might be interested in watching a documentary called The Stone Reader. A filmmaker had a old book review of a book and years later they tried to find out what happened to the book and author. The author had lapsed in obscurity and the quest examined the whole forgotten great books phenomena.

    6. Claire (Scotland)*

      Goodreads, mostly, plus whatever my friends and people I follow on Twitter are recommending.

      Plus just browsing through the shelves in bookstores. I particularly like my local sci-fi and fantasy bookshop for this.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I stupidly gave out my email address to the cashier at our local Barnes and Noble and now I get an email almost every day from them (along with a discount coupon). I also get emails from Penguin Random House almost every day. Then sometimes I’ll find a book review in the course of reading a magazine, newspaper or online.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        You can get off that email list. I tried it once, got constant spam along the lines “You are a person who reads books, so we think you’ll like this, which is… a book!” and unsubscribed. (Usually a button at the bottom of the email. I was buying in a fairly narrow range of genres and there was no way this was remotely personalized beyond “person whose email address we have.”) And refuse now to give them my email, even though the clerk always asks.

    8. ContemporaryIssued*

      GoodReads browsing/highlighting certain books. I find this platform is great for newer releases and for keeping “want to read” lists. Helps me with that “what was that one book” pondering when I find myself in a library or a bookshop.

      Browsing libraries, recs from friends, picking up something random at a bookshop (or a used bookshop for something cheaper). I also try to keep a tab on authors I like, if I like one book I seek out their other books.

    9. TPS Cover Report*

      Before kindle and ebooks, I used to go to old book stores and charity shops and just grab a few from the bargain bin…. what I hated was getting a really good book, but it was in the middle of a continuing series, so characters were dropping in randomly without explanation, and then the story ended in a cliffhanger and of course the rest of the series was nowhere to be found. I much preferred series where you can read the book independently, but now with ebooks and kindle… I ”binge read” science fiction… vampires and werewolves and space aliens are a genre I wouldn’t otherwise encountered…

    10. Left Turn at Albuquerque*

      Try whatshouldireadnext.com. You type in the name of a book or author you like and it will give a range of suggestions, including a list of the themes your example and their sggestions have in common.

      1. MysteryFan*

        Thanks for the tip! I subscribe to an email service called BookBub, where you get to enter your general genre preferences, and they send one email each day with a selection of ebooks in your chosen genres that are on deep discount from Amazon and/or Barnes and Noble. the deals last only a couple of days, but the books are from $3.99 down to FREE… That’s where I get most of my books.. I also get ideas from Goodreads.. and I’ll now be trying whatshouldiradnext.com more often!

    11. The Other Dawn*

      My brother was my first source of good books. When I finally decided I wanted something other than Stephen King or historical romance, he recommended a couple authors and books he liked. Once I read those books, I read all the other books by those authors. I subscribed to emails, like Book Bub, and tried some of those books. I signed up for Kindle Unlimited, and because I use the Kindle app, I often get recommendations for similar authors, or books similar to what I like to read. When I finish a book in the app, it brings up recommended books based on the book I just finished. Now that my brother is gone, I often get my recommendations from this thread. I got so many great recommendations when I asked about pandemic/apocalypse books and historic fiction.

    12. Just a guy in a cube*

      It used to be Twitter – I got into a book funk a few years back, and it was only after getting some recommendations for more diverse fantasy that I realized it wasn’t that I was burned out on reading, just that I wasn’t stretching my tastes enough. I cherrypicked my way through recommendation lists and enthusiastic reviews from diverse book Twitter for a few years, and now feel quite set that I can find an author or pick up marketing signals in a bookstore for the fiction that’s likely to make me happy.

      Now my problem is that I’m getting into farming, Quakerism, and some social science reading, and I haven’t calibrated my expectations there yet. I’m trying out subscribing to a few small press mailing lists, and accepting that in those areas it’s as important to figure out what I like/dislike about a book as the actual experience of reading.

    13. Traffic_Spiral*

      1. Just go to a pile of used/library books and paw my way to whatever looks interesting like a quasi-literate trash goblin.

      2. Occasionally click on a review in a newspaper or goodreads that catches my eye.

      3. Book club.

    14. anonagain*

      I find it helpful to keep a list of books that I hear about or see that look good otherwise I never remember. I get ebooks and audiobooks from the library and I bookmark them in the app. I have a very low bar for what I add to this list so when I’m ready for a new book, there are lots of options. It also helps that I don’t remember adding anything so they feel new and exciting.

      I also learn about authors through TV and radio interviews, either when they are promoting their books or appearing as subject experts. If I read an interesting article or essay, I’ll also read the blurb about the author to see what else they’ve written.

      I look up authors I really like, just to learn more about them. If I find anything about who their influences are, I might look up something by those people.

    15. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I go to the library and hit the new section. I pick 3 books, each must be of a different flavor and category…. so maybe sci-fi from an author I know, coming of age novel from some country I don’t know much about, and a Scandinavian thriller. If they pass a one page read from the middle of the book, they come home with me.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Truly life-changing advice from me, from an NPR interview: You can put down a book and not finish it! I had felt some sort of moral obligation to keep going (especially if there was a child in danger); now I am okay reading the first chapter and concluding it’s not for me. I’m more willing to give a book a chance if I’m also more willing to put it down.

        1. Luisa*

          SAME. When I started tracking my reading (there is a spreadsheet) a couple years ago, I was insistent that I finish any book I started. Because…why? I don’t know? Life is too short/there are too many books to read!

        2. Iris Eyes*

          Speaking of NPR interviews…half the time their interviews with the author are long enough that I get the spark note version of a non-fiction book or I’m interested enough that I have to pick it up. Their fiction reviews have been where I’ve found some pretty interesting and stretching fiction.

    16. Llellayena*

      I browse and hunt by author. I’ve got 2 or 3 authors that I will wait anxiously for their new book to come out (ah hardcover pricing!). I’m also in a sci-fi book club, so I get a new book each month through that. I tend to re-read so I’ll scan my own shelves regularly.

    17. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Another recommendation for Goodreads — I have 89 friends and 163 books on my Want to Read shelf there. And sometimes I’ll just look at what my friends are reading there, or I’ll see them mention a book on Facebook. I’ve also just browsed the Available Now section of my library’s Overdrive (ebook) web site, and found some great books that way. (And some slightly regrettable ones, to be honest.)

    18. Jshaden*

      My physical and digital To Be Read (TBR) piles are large and varied, plus I keep a TBR list on Goodreads of books I’m interested in. I mostly get my recommendations from bookish podcasts and the authors and publishers I follow on social media. Book Riot is great both for the listicle articles Alison mentioned and their podcasts, which include a new books this week podcast (All the Books), a recommendations podcast (Get Booker), and a bunch of themed genre podcasts. I also like the Reading Glasses podcast from the MaxFun network – it’s not a review or recommendation podcast specifically, but lots of cool books get talked about all the same.

      Book Riot also runs a subscription Tailored Book Recommendations (TBR) program, which is kind of like Stitch Fix for books. You can get just recommendations (3 per quarter) or hardback books (US only). I’ve been using it to branch out from my almost exclusively SFF reading habits. There are lots of other program like Book of the Month club and various book box subscriptions with all kinds of themes if you want someone else to present you a few suggestions or pick books for you.

      Not a universally applicable solution, but I let my calico cat pick my next physical book by spreading out the TBR pile and seeing which one she sits on first.

      1. GoryDetails*

        “Not a universally applicable solution, but I let my calico cat pick my next physical book by spreading out the TBR pile and seeing which one she sits on first.”

        I love that! My ginger cat likes to chew on the corners of books, and sometimes I’ve selected a book-to-be-read solely to get it away from him.

    19. CrazyPlantLady*

      For a website that will analyze your tastes and tell you what to read, check out Narrative Muse’s book matchmaker (they have one for movies too). I’ve found a few great reads that I had never heard of through there. https://matchmaker.narrativemuse.co/

      Also, the podcast What Should I Read Next is excellent and a few of my recent faves have come from her suggestions. I only listen when I can also access my library hold list at the same time since most episodes I find myself putting one or two books on hold.

      (Also, do you know you can suspend holds at the library for both regular and e-books? It’s amazing! I keep most of my holds suspended until I’m ready to read it. When it’s suspended you still move up the line but when you get to #1 it will go to the next person until you cancel the suspension or it expires.)

    20. A Simple Narwhal*

      I love using Goodreads! It will make recommendations based on books you’ve read, you can get recommendations from friends, and I love using it to curate a list of books I want to read. So many times I’d hear a book recommendation and think “oh I’d like to read that” and then when it comes time to actually pick up a new book, I completely draw a blank. Now when I hear that I’ll add the book to my “Books I Want to Read” list on Goodreads (which takes two seconds with their app), and when I go to the library I can just look at my list!

    21. Nye*

      I keep a running list on my phone, so I always have a long and eclectic selection of possibilities to seek out. Anything that sounds interesting goes on there – personal recommendations, NYT raves, selections from “Best Of” lists, etc. If I thought it sounded worth reading at some point, it’s on the list. This has been a great strategy for me, especially since most of my library books come from ILL. When I’m in need of something new to read, I just pop online and reserve a couple titles off the list.

      Added bonus: I use a checklist and check books off when I’ve read them, so it’s also a running tally of my reading for the year.

    22. PB*

      There’s a free email newsletter called Shelf Awareness. It comes twice a week, and contains reviews of recently published books. I’ve found most of my great new reads there. I also get lots of recommendations from friends and from browsing in bookstores. IME, you can find much better recommendations from indie bookstores than chains, since recommendations in chain bookstores are dictated by a central office. indiebound.org is a great resource for finding independent bookstores.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I second Shelf Awareness. They give an early heads up. I trust their recommendations and I am often first on the list for new library books. I also try to read outside my “comfort zone.” That usually means a graphic memoir in the mix, a book set somewhere not in the US, characters of a culture not my own.
        I also look for independent presses like Milkweed. I know I am going to read the new Michael Connelly when it comes out. (I buy, don’t wait, and enjoy) I love discovering new (new-to-me authors) like Marcia Rendon, Murder on the Red River (2017 Cinco Puntos Press)
        I read the reviews in the Minneapolis, Star Tribune, New York Times, San Fransisco Chronicle, Boston Globe and every once in a while New Yorker.

    23. Stitch*

      I haven’t used it yet but my library has a recommendation service. You input books you have liked and a person gives you a list of recommendations. I should try it.

      I honestly sometimes go to bookstores and buy things on impulse. It works out sometimes. I will read the summer reading lists from the library or read things based on reviews I see.

      Sometimes I will just read based on what is available on my library’s ebook lending program. Because free instant books are great.

    24. Even Steven*

      My public library system has a link on their home page to look at all of their new arrivals by genre. I check in there every second Friday and load up my holds list.

      And here! The recommendations I get here are fantastic on the weekend thread.

    25. Thankful for AAM*

      Novelist, if your library has a subscription, is awesome.
      Goodreads and fantasticfiction too.

    26. Lilysparrow*

      Not all libraries have this, but ours has a recommendation service. You fill out what genres/topics & authors you like & dislike, and a librarian goes through it and emails you a list every so often.

      I’m sure they’ll do this in person if you ask.

    27. Professor Plum*

      I like the podcast “What Should I Read Next?” by Anne Bogel. She interviews a wide variety of people who tell their 3 favorite books and one they didn’t like. Then Anne recommends three books to read. Many books discussed in each episode, plus the show notes list all of the books as well. So you can listen or just skim through the show notes.

    28. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Trade publications too. Like Locus Magazine if your tastes run to science fiction, fantasy, or horror.

    29. RUKiddingMe*

      Mostly from friends ore than anywhere else I think. Most of my friends are readers so they/we all are usually reading something and talk about it/recommend it to each other. Although sometimes we all get a little busy and go into a kind of dry spell (now is one such time) and no one’s really reading anything… A few are trying to start an online come as you can book club. Not sure how it’s going to work, but I’m cautiously optimistic.

      1. Raena*

        I was a follower of the ‘booktuber’ community for a while and am friends with a lot of them on Goodreads. They always have a really wide selection of reviews that I like to browse. My library is also great. They have a new in section, new fiction & non-faction, and if you get there early enough you can browse through the carts of books that people have just returned and are going to be re-shelved. I love looking through those because I always come across something I’ve been wanting to read. I also love Kirkus reviews, look on the back of most books and they have reviewed it.

    30. Celestial being on a bike*

      I read a ton but get in ruts genre wise. So I joined Book of the Month. I don’t always select a book, but I’ve gotten some great ones over the past 15 months.

      I also have been a part of a book swap club. It’s book club for people reading different books.

    31. Kadiddlehopper*

      I also use Goodreads. I check out what my friends are reading, but I really use it to keep the “want to read” list when I read book reviews, hear recommendations and the like. Goodreads also gives suggestions based on what you’ve identified as your genre preferences. I have found several good books using that feature. I also keep track of what I’ve read so that I can recommend to others and to revisit some authors I liked years ago to check out their new material.

    32. Pliant Platypus*

      Publisher’s Weekly gives a ton of book info, reviews, monthly new book releases, publisher acquisitions, author tours etc. Also, look for staff picks at your local bookstores. Front-line booksellers love giving recommendations and helping people find new books to love. I know, I used to be one.

    33. NB*

      Ask the Readers’ Adviser or Librarian at your public library. They are trained at literary matchmaking.

    34. MsChanandlerBong*

      I browse Overdrive and add e-books to my wish list. I currently have enough on there to last me about 19 or 20 years. I also make use of Amazon’s “People who read this also liked…” feature to find books similar to ones I have enjoyed.

    35. Liberry Shortcake*

      I’ve expanded my possibilities by using Little Free Libraries. I find some titles or authors I’ve been curious about and then get the rest of a series from the library. I also use Alison’s recommendations and other comment lists like The Bloggess or Diana Gabaldon’s “Methadone List” (for her fans waiting for the next tome to appear)

    36. Ginger ale for all*

      I am on a budget so I enter as many book contests as I can to win books to read. This has really opened up my reading tastes. I find that I like domestic chillers after all. I still do not love sci/Five or fantasy but I do give it a chance.

      1. Ginger ale for all*

        I also work in a library and I occasionally look at what was just returned. One short read that I got from that is All Cat’s Have Aspergers. It took about ten minutes to read but it really made me think.

    37. Drago Cucina*

      Some libraries have access to Novelist. It’s a recommendation service. If you’re using the Online Catalog (OPAC) some systems have a browse the shelf option. You can see what’s next to the physical book. This is especially helpful for non-fiction.

    38. AdAgencyChick*

      1) book reviews (typically NY Times or Wall Street Journal)
      2) looking around at what’s out on the tables or what’s on sale at my favorite indie bookstores (there’s one I go to that has a lot of remainders at 50% or more off, so I get a lot of those)
      3) I live in NYC, and people leave books on their stoops for others to take all the time. I’ll grab whatever looks good (and also leave out books I don’t intend to read again, so I can pay it forward)

    39. CorruptedbyCoffee*

      Hi, I’m a reference librarian.
      Many libraries do some version of bookmatch, where you tell them what you like, what you’re looking for and what your favorite books are and they’ll assemble a list of suggested titles for you. Even if they dont, a reference librarian should be able to give some recommendations based on what you like to read.

      In addition, many libraries offer curated lists of “readalikes” for popular books. So, if you liked Crazy Rich Asians, for example, you’d be able to access a list of books for people who liked that title.

      Many libraries also have a subscription to a database called Novelist. It gives very in depth recommendations based on specific aspects of a book, like pacing, setting, language or characters. It can be hit or miss sometimes, but it’s generally better than amazon or goodreads recommendations.

      Depending on where you live, you can access most of these services online from home. You dont even have to go in.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Thank you for this suggestion. I had no idea my library offered this, and I was able to access it from home by logging in with my library card and PIN. I now have a whole list of new series to try based on the series I am about to finish!

    40. Reliquary*

      I am fortunate enough to have friends who are English professors at several different colleges. Some of them are incredible resources. Some make lists of books they’ve loved and post them on social media, others post reviews of books on Goodreads. I also read book reviews in major news outlets.

    42. Emily*

      Recommendations and reviews from eclectic sources, mostly online! I don’t always go into the world looking for book recommendations, but if a blog or website I’m reading mentions a book that sounds intriguing, I put it on my list. Occasionally I’ll get recommendations from family or friends, but I don’t like feeling pressured to consume media, so I only ask for recommendations when I genuinely want them, from people who I think will have tastes that align with mine. (To give you an idea of the diversity of my sources, I’ve recently read books that I saw: mentioned on a queer women’s website, mentioned in the BookRiot Goodreads community for the 2019 Read Harder Challenge, mentioned on Captain Awkward’s blog, recommended by Alison, mentioned in the Ask A Manager open threads, on a friend’s Goodreads, written about on Tor.com, recommended or talked about by authors that I like, being read by a friend, etc.)

      One of my favorite things is when writers and authors I like talk thoughtfully about the books they like to read. If you’re interested in science fiction or fantasy, Tor.com is a great place for this – I especially like Jo Walton’s posts because she’s so enthusiastic about the things she loves and so good at articulating why a piece of writing is interesting or exciting or fun. I feel like Smart Bitches, Trashy Books would be similar for romance, but I don’t read much romance, so I don’t frequent their site as often.

    43. The Original K.*

      Reviews, Goodreads (their recommendations and seeing what people I’m connected to there are reading), and just plain old asking my family friends what they’re reading. I am in a book club and there are a few people who only read what we’re reading for book club, but there are a few others who read more than that, so at meetings we’ll talk about what we’re reading aside from the club books. There are a few other friends I tend to ask a lot because we have similar tastes (I just finished something my friend’s husband lent me that I really liked). I’ve also put out calls on social media asking for book (and podcast) recs.

    44. MonteCristo85*

      For the most part I get my books from John Scalzi’s blog Whatever. He does this thing he calls The Big Idea, and authors send in a write-up of the big idea behind their book, plus there are usually links to reviews/excerpts. Heavily sci-fi/fantasy, since Scalzi is a Sci/Fi author, but that’s my jam anyway.

  2. Arya Parya*

    Last tuesday I was diagnosed with high functioning autism. I always suspected as much. Thought I might be close to the spectrum, but not on it. After having a child 13 months ago though, all my coping mechanisms failed and it was my clear I am on the spectrum.

    Even though I suspected it, it’s still taking me some time to process. But I am glad, because now I can get some help. Having a child really drains me of my energy and sometimes it’s too much and I have a meltdown. So hopefully I can have a professional figure out with me how to avoid the meltdowns.

    The bad news is that all this has made me realise that I don’t want a second child. I am overwhelmed as it is and I don’t think I can cope if we add another baby to the mix. But my SO really wants a second child. Does anyone have any experience with this? Where you and your SO wanted a different number of childen? Were you able to reconsile somehow? It’s not like we can compromise, so I’m worried this will become an issue.

    (Just for clarification: my SO is very supportive. He knows I don’t want a second child, but kind of hopes I’ll change my mind as our daughter gets a bit older.)

        1. ..Kat..*

          Ah, I was wondering if this was a case of I want X, but you do all the work. Guess I was projecting.

          I recommend that you seek out what you need to effectively deal with being on the spectrum. I understand there are techniques and practices that can help you live your best life more easily. I don’t mean to imply that people on the spectrum are lazy, just that they have to work harder at some things compared to people not on the spectrum. Perhaps tell your SO that a second child discussion is on hold in the meantime.

          Plus, first child is so young! I recommend enjoying raising her without the pressure of thinking about another child right now.

          Good luck. If I remember correctly, there have been some threads in the past where people on the spectrum have given advice on how to navigate life on the spectrum.

          1. RUKiddingMe*

            And even for people not being n the spectrum raising kids is exhausting, especially the first year as we start to settle into parenting. I agree that Arya should just enjoy the child she has now. Another child at this point seems super fast anyway…even if one wants to have another/more. Of course I know there are people that want all their kids super close in age, and I guess 13+9 months is ~two years, but …

    2. Orange You Glad*

      This sounds like a lot to deal with in a short period of time! What if you agreed with your partner to table the discussion completely until your baby turns 4 years old?

      By then you will be in a different space with your coping mechanisms and you can make a choice from a place of calm and not overwhelm. It’s totally likely you will still choose to not have another child but I think you’ll feel different about your choice if that makes sense?

      “If I have to decide right now, the answer is 100% no. If we wait to decide, there is a slight possibility that I might feel differently. I’m not promising I will but I will be more open to thinking about it if we wait until [child] is four years old & not a toddler anymore.”

      1. Arya Parya*

        Thanks for the suggestion. We’ve sort of tabled the discussion until she is two. I’m 35 right now, do we don’t have tons of time unfortunately. Otherwise I would definitely wait until she is four.

        1. Ethyl*

          So jsyk, my understanding is that a lot of stuff floating around out there about maternal age isn’t as accurate as one would hope, and even doctors can have wrong info about it. I’m not an expert, bring childfree myself, but it may not be true that you’re “running out of time.” I’m sure some other folks here with more knowledge can chime in. Anecdotally, I have a good friend who didn’t have her first kid till she was 41 (husband was I think 50 at the time), and her second at 44, and both kids are healthy and kind and whipsmart and hilarious.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            What science has is averages–for the population, female fertility starts to decline at 30, more steeply at 35, 40s is getting difficult (for those who want to conceive) and yet has plenty of unplanned pregnancies (for those who don’t)–turning 40 is not a method of birth control. Turning 50 probably comes close to being one.

            Where individuals fall to make up those averages varies by individual. By the time you realize that you are in the “X% of women this age have trouble conceiving” group for your age, you don’t get to time travel back and start trying 5 years earlier.

            2. Ethyl*

              Man, this stuff is hard to sort out! FWIW, I was actually thinking more along the lines of possible birth defects for older gestational parents rather than overall fertility, but this is all good and important information!

              1. Sam Sepiol*

                And I was thinking about miscarriage which rises sharply. And also the rise of twin pregnancies with age, which brings its own complications. Both things that have happened in my immediately family. We all bring our own history to these thoughts.

                1. Ethyl*

                  True, and none of it is easy to quantify and bodies are all so different! But I guess what it all comes down to is “don’t have a kid you aren’t ready for, but don’t rush into anything because the information available about age and reproduction is difficult to interpret.”

              2. Arts Akimbo*

                Also, there’s some recent research correlating increasing paternal age with autism. I just want to report that as a person on the spectrum myself, who didn’t get diagnosed until late in life, having to raise a child on the spectrum was something I was utterly, utterly unprepared for. And it’s likely he won’t exactly be out of the house at 18, so that’s something to think about that could have very far-reaching impact on your household, OP. I love, love, love my kid, but every single day I feel like I’m the one who’s going to have a meltdown. And yet I have to be the grownup, when I barely know how to be a grownup myself! It’s hard. So hard. And watching them struggle socially, that’s a whole other world of anguish.

          2. Book Lover*

            It depends on the person. I had no egg reserve left at 38. Averages are averages, some people struggle at 20 and others easily get pregnant over 40. There’s no point hoping you’ll be lucky unless you don’t feel strongly about it. Anyhow, though in this case I agree – let it go and see how you feel in a year or two.

        2. Gloucesterina*

          Yeah I hope folks with good citations chime in here–I do remember reading an article digesting such research saying essentially, “Yeah, infertility is weird to diagnose and study because in many cases it’s a “don’t know till you try” condition. Of the subset of people who have trouble conceiving after age 35, we often don’t know if that person would have experienced infertility in their 20s or early 30s unless they actually attempted pregnancy at those earlier ages. So it is wrong to circulate the idea that age 35 is THE fertility cliff/expiration date. Many people have no problem conceiving in the 40s.”

          But proper citations welcome!

        3. Lilysparrow*

          I don’t have a citation, but my midwife told me that if you have the first baby by age 35, it tends to extend your fertile window later.

          It’s conceiving the first child after 35 that is so difficult.

            1. Gram's girl*

              My grandmother had her first at 16 and her last at 46. She wa 43 when my mother was born.

          2. blackcat*

            I think this is more of a selection effect.
            If you conceive a first before 35, well, you’ve successfully conceived a baby. That itself is a massive predictor of future ability to conceive.
            If you don’t even try before 35, you just don’t know you’ll have trouble until it’s much later.

            2. Clisby*

              Yes, it’s sort of like: On the day you were born, what’s the chance you’ll live to be 100? Pretty slim. On your 99th birthday, what’s the chance you’ll live to be 100? Pretty good.

    3. Sam Sepiol*

      I wanted More Than One and my ex spouse wanted One And Only One. We talked about this before we got married and agreed on More Than One.

      He’s my ex spouse because he was emotionally abusive, not directly because of the disagreement about the number of children. But I can tell you that if he’d acknowledged that he was changing our agreement, if he’d recognised and acknowledged the pain that that caused me (and of course if he hadn’t been emotionally abusive) our marriage could have survived this and grown stronger.

      He had good reasons for changing his mind and from this perspective, having left him over 18 months ago/divorced for over 6 months/with only one child to be a single parent to who is sensitive and feels things very deeply, I’m glad we only had the one (although it still kills me and I sometimes find two child families very hard to deal with). But it was talking about it that could have saved the day.

      Good luck. These days I am a very strong proponent of only having the children you very strongly want in most circumstances. I very strongly support you in not having a second child. Kids are hard work.

    4. Dan*

      I don’t have kids. But bigger picture, adults have to realize that they cannot “promise” the future — agreements early on may have been made with the best of intentions, but both parties have to realize that things change and they may no longer want/are able to live up to that agreement. It’s not a personal failure, it’s life.

      But I think any of us who tells you not to worry about it, that it won’t become an issue, would be giving you false hope. Not that it’s a given by any stretch, but some people are able to get through it, and some aren’t. You’ll get both stories, and nobody knows what will apply to you.

      What I *wouldn’t* do in your shoes is have another kid if you heart isn’t 100% in it. What I *would* do is take things one day at a time. It’s more manageable that way.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        ITA. My ex was abusive but he wasn’t wrong in changing the agreement. He was wrong in not acknowledging the change and talking to me about it.

      2. Overeducated*

        I agree entirely with this post.

        I also have to say, from the perspective of a non-autistic but easily overwhelmed parent of a high-energy kid, I couldn’t even THINK about having a second until the first was 3, and didn’t start trying until 4. I would have, in theory, wanted them two years apart. Not saying you’ll change your mind, ob the contrary – sometimes the realities of parenthood mean changing your ideal plans for parenthood. Sounds like you know that, and i hope, whatever you decide, that your husband can accept that too.

        1. karou*

          I’m also not autistic but in the same boat with a very active first child. Son at 2 years old compared to son at almost 3 years old is vastly different. It soon became clear that we could in no way handle a newborn when he was only 2, which was the age gap my SO originally imagined. He’ll turn 3 next month and baby #2 is four months away. :)

          So I also recommend wait a little OP, see how things settle with your first and how you feel about a second child. Even six months in the life of a toddler can make a big difference.

    5. Crocheted familiar*

      I don’t have children but I am Autistic and I have a way to frame autism that might help you with the processing if you feel you need it? If you’re doing fine, feel free to ignore the rest of this comment.

      Have you heard of support labels instead of functioning labels? They’re fairly new and they’re task-/situation-based more than an overall label that functioning labels are, and they offer a lot more flexibility. There are usually three: low support, medium support, and high support, and they allow you to say ‘in this thing (maybe going to new places), I need low support, but in this other thing (maybe cooking) I need high support, and in this other thing (maybe socialising) I need medium support’. I find that support labels also enable me (and other Autistic people I’ve spoken to about them) to ask for help and identify the help I need more rather than feeling like ‘well, I’m high functioning so I SHOULD be able to do this on my own’ and feeling frustrated that you can’t do it on your own as it’s a high support or medium support thing. I know functioning labels are often diagnostic, but support labels might enable you to look at everything you have going on and identify where you need the most help and where you need the least help, and make processing it all a bit less overwhelming.

      1. Catherine from Canada*

        Also on the spectrum, also late diagnosis (5 years ago at 56). Wow support labels is a fantastic concept! Thanks, I’m going to use this.

      2. teach*

        This is a very helpful framing, thank you! I teach a lot of middle and high school kids who are both very intelligent and also are on the autism spectrum. We navigate school stuff and people stuff, and your explanation will help me understand and discuss situations.

      3. Arts Akimbo*

        I utterly weep for this!!! YES! I am high-functioning. I *should* be able to do a lot of things on my own! As a grown-ass adult I should be able to arrange a multi-day itinerary international travel for myself without it causing a multi-day spinout freakout complete with hiding under the covers. (Embarrassing!) I *should* be able to figure out how to keep my house clean. I *should* be able to fill out government forms without literally breaking out in stress hives. But I need maximum support in these areas, and that’s just that. If I had had this simple mental framework years ago, Crocheted familiar, I wouldn’t have beaten myself up so badly over things I simply need more support with.

        There are a lot of big, huge things that I can do well, but the things I can’t do well are also big, huge things.

    6. Erin*

      I have 3 kids. You don’t be need to decide now if you want a second- 13 months is still pretty in the thick of things! I vote give it time. See how things go as your kid gets a bit older and how therapy goes and if/how coping mechanisms work.

      My kids are between 22 months and 33 months apart. Friends that have more space in between have less chaos!

      1. Clisby*

        Agreed. 13 months is pretty young. Maybe revisit this when #1 is 2 or 3 years old.

    7. Ethyl*

      Once you get into some good support for yourself and learning new coping mechanisms, this seems like a great place for couples counseling. A good counselor can help you and your spouse communicate clearly, untangle expectations/wants/needs/assumptions, and help you find a way to compromise.

      A note though, that couples counseling should be *in addition to* individual therapy or other types of support. It’s sort of like the “client” in couples counseling is the relationship, so making sure you have your own support is crucial. My spouse and I did a couple of months of counseling when we got stuck when trying to make a large life decision about schooling/money/where to live. We realized we were having the same conversations over and over and not getting anywhere, a sure sign to call in some help!

      1. Ethyl*

        Note: not that “compromise” in this situation is “have a kid I don’t want”! More like maybe your spouse looks into other ways to be a supportive presence in the lives of children (big brothers or other volunteer work, tutoring, etc), or other things maybe you haven’t thought of. That’s the beauty of a neutral third party — they may have ideas and see things you didn’t think of while in the midst of new baby/new diagnosis/frustration/emotions/etc.

    8. Agnodike*

      I’m the spouse who wants more kids in my household. When we first talked about kids, we both wanted at least two, but after our one and only was born, spouse felt like our family was complete. Kid is now almost three and spouse feels the same way, so we’re having only one, which is really hard for me and makes me really sad. Here’s what’s helping for me:

      1. I’ve adopted the mindset that the right number of kids to parent is the lowest common denominator of kids that both partners will be excited to parent. Our existing kid deserves to have parents who are fully engaged and excited to be her parents, and any future kid would, too. I could probably convince spouse over time to have another, but sticking a future kid with a reluctant parent who had to be convinced seems unfair and a terrible idea.

      2. I go to therapy to talk about how sad I am that I won’t get to have another kid, and it helps me come to terms with the loss of the second child I imagined, and be happy in the wonderful family I do have. There have been times when I resented spouse for “standing in the way” of me having another child, but those times are fewer than the times I appreciate what a great parent they are, how much I love them, and how lovely our family is, even if I feel like it would be even lovelier with another kid.

      I’m sad about the fact that I won’t get to parent another child, and I probably will be for awhile, but the bottom line is that every kid deserves to be wanted, really wanted, by 100% of its parents. You have the resources you have; if later, after you’ve settled in to your diagnosis and your support plan, you feel like you have more and you want to spend them on raising another kid, great! And if not, your family will adjust and adapt, like mine has.

        1. Agnodike*

          Thank you for saying that; that’s really kind of you. I do have a really terrific partner and an awesome kid, and I try hard to be good to them, so that’s nice to hear.

      2. Lana Kane*

        This is such a lovely and compassionate point of view. As the parent of an only child, I really appreciated reading it.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      Arya, I’m so glad you found out what’s going on! That makes a huge difference all by itself.

      Please take plenty of time over this. There is a prevailing idea these days that you’re supposed to physically and emotionally “snap back” after having a baby, in an extremely short timeframe. Some people do, sure, but many of us are still dealing with hormone & other physical side effects well after the baby is a year old. So don’t discount those effects on the way you’re feeling now.

      I don’t mean in terms of changing your mind – I mean in terms of feeling pressured to make a major life decision within the next year. Just don’t.

      Having a baby is a major life disruption/stressor. Getting diagnosed with a major health condition is a major life disruption/stressor. So if you allow yourself at least one year to adjust for each of these, plus one year of relative stability in the “new normal,” that’s at least 3 years before deciding about another child. That’s what I would recommend, as a minimum. And if you decide to try but your personal fertility window is closed, so be it. Decision made.

      I hope you get some good help rebuilding a useful system of supports and coping strategies, because those are so, so important. And some of the stuff that worked before isn’t feasible in parenting land.

      Best wishes to you!

    10. KoiFeeder*

      Autistic second child of autistic mom, here. I don’t have any experience with kid expectation malfunctions, but if you want tips on raising kids while autistic, I can ask my mom if she has advice on that sort of thing.

    11. blackcat*

      Just as a side note: If you would be the one to get pregnant and carry a child, I believe you have 100% veto power over having another kid.

    12. Blue_eyes*

      You just found out about your diagnosis last week, it’s completely normal to still be processing it. In fact, I would be surprised if it didn’t take weeks, months, or longer to process this new info and learn how to deal with it. I think working with a professional to increase your coping skills is a great idea. Having a young child is stressful and new, so it makes sense that your regular coping mechanisms didn’t work fully.

      You may find that parenting becomes less stressful as your child gets older, and you will have better coping mechanisms in place from the work you’re planning to put in with a professional. At that point, you can reassess whether you could/want to have another baby. And remember that having another baby isn’t the only option. Maybe you’ll find that parenting a school-aged child is much less stressful than an infant, and you could look at fostering or adopting a toddler or older child. That could also get around the fertility concerns.

    13. MissGirl*

      Can I ask what are your symptoms or what made you think autism? Trying to understand my own brain.

      1. Arya Parya*

        Mostly it was being completely overstimulated. I couldn’t and still can’t take a lot of sensory input. A crying baby is really rough on me. I can handle it better now, but the first few months were hard.

        And looking back I don’t like loud noises, my clothes have to be comfortable and I don’t really like bright lights.

        There’s a whole bunch of other stuff, but this is the most important to me.

        1. Reba*

          Nicole Cliffe’s recent Care and Feeding column for Slate contained the following lines about crying babies:

          “Your baby’s cries are designed to make your brain explode and every nerve in your body jangle. That’s just how things are set up. Nothing to be done about that. Healthy, clean, fed, totally garden-variety babies sometimes just scream for hours. It seems like a flaw to me, but I didn’t create the system.”

          She recommends muffling headphones!

          Nicole is a neuroatypical parent of neuroatypical and typical children. I know she’s not to everyone’s taste but she does talk about neurodiversity and parenting quite a bit.

        2. Nita*

          I feel the same way, and I’m not autistic as far as I know! Having a young child can take so much brain bandwidth that it’s easy to get overstimulated. And lack of sleep, and crying, don’t help one focus and feel relaxed. For me, things that used to become mildly annoying have become pretty overwhelming, and it took a while to find a way to cope. It does get better as they get older, I think.

        3. Arts Akimbo*

          Overstimulation, yes, this!

          If it helps, my new dentist started to X-ray my teeth and put that lead vest on me and I IMMEDIATELY felt this wave of relaxation like I’d never felt before in my memory (I mean, I assume I felt it the last time I had dental x-rays, lol, but man, my moments of feeling relaxed are few and far between these days!) Now I totally understand the weighted clothes thing for soothing overstimulated senses! I may have to get myself a weighted vest.

    14. LGC*

      So…your direct question is about kids – I think everyone’s answered that, and don’t feel the need to rush the decision. (I’m in agreement that you DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT try now, and also the partner who wants the lower number of kids should usually take precedence especially if they’re the ones carrying the pregnancy and giving birth.)

      For now – I really hope I’m just reading too much into your post, but it does sound like you have been feeling like you’re unable to handle the pressures of having a baby. First of all, please remember to take care of yourself! I might also consider getting screened for depression, in large part because it can be a thing with both ASD diagnoses and pregnancy. (Which I’ll admit is a lot to dump on you.)

    15. Double A*

      I’m in the opposite situation as you, where my husband has mental health issues that are effecting his physical health and he was a little leery of having even one. He loves our daughter but I worry if he’ll want another one, we haven’t talked about it a lot. (This is similar in the child-having dynamic, his health issues are different than yours).

      Because of his health I take on the bulk of the work, though he does contribute a lot. If we don’t have another I’ll be really, really sad, but in the long run I’ll cope. I don’t think there’s a much better answer than that.

    16. Siblings*

      Not precisely what you asked, but I wanted to offer assurance regarding your choice.

      I’m an only child and I’m pretty sure I’m not entitled, bratty, selfish, or difficult. It’s really not a problem to raise one kid with proper life skills as long as you put in the effort to have them socialize with their peers. I grew up being taught to share, to volunteer, and to empathize.

      My husband’s brother is a complete nightmare of a human, and has been my husband’s burden his entire life. It will only get worse once my ILs are dead and stop supporting him. People who insist that a sibling is a necessity and a life-long friend are woefully naive. They can just as easily be a life sentence.

      1. Lana Kane*

        This rings true for me. I’m technically not an only child but I was a teenager when my sister was born, and I left home at 18. I spent most of my childhood as an only, and raised with a lot of positive qualities that people assume onlies don’t have.

        My husband has a brother and they have never, and I mean never, gotten along. My husband and I have a son, and he’ll be our only child. I feel like I turned out just fine as an only but I still fretted about not giving him a sibling – a playmate, someone to bond with as he grows up, someone to help him care for aging parents. My husband reminded me that there is no guarantee that any of those things would happen, and reminded me of his own brother. We’ve gotten him out of scrapes more than once, but now he thinks we’re toxic and wants nothing to do with us. We will get no help from him or his wife in caring for my in-laws. It’s really sad.

        I love what Agnodike said above – that children deserve to be parented by people who are all-in. For me the idea of more is nice, as an abstract, but I can’t do it more than once. I adore my son but realistically, both emotionally and financially, we only have it in us to raise one kid. We’d absolutely love any other child we had, but it would be really hard and I think the pressure it would put on all of us would be enormous.

        1. Siblings*

          someone to help him care for aging parents

          Interesting that you should mention this specifically, because it has been a HUGE problem for us. My BIL straight-up refuses to admit that their parents are not as young as they once were, and has sabotaged my husband’s efforts to get them to do any estate planning whatsoever. My MIL confided to us that she wants a DNR, but knows that BIL will pitch a fit and refuse to carry out her wishes.

          My parents are methodical AF, with all their paperwork in place, and all their plans clearly communicated to me. My husband joked that my parents will have the most organized death ever, while he is dreading what he will have to go through.

        2. Cg1254*

          I think the mistake parents make is assuming siblings will naturally work out any differences w/o parental support. Parenting is not ‘raise every child exactly the same’. And children have distinct personalities just like adults do (of course they show themselves differently at times) — it is a great mistake to ignore that — and won’t get along with siblings automtically

    17. Elf*

      High functioning autistic mother of two (4 and almost 1) here. It is a lot. Definitely sit with your feelings a bit. I’m not sure I was quite as hard-hit by the baby phase as you have been (which may be about me, or may just be different babies), but I’m finding four much harder than previous ages, and I think some of my difficulty is definitely about sensory processing. It is definitely harder from a sensory perspective with two, because you get a whining older child in the middle of the baby screaming (and they always start whining then, it’s an attention thing) and that’s a recipe for extreme sensory overload even in neurotypical people.

      I’m happy to talk through any specific issues you are having, or worries for the future (since I’m already doing it with two, and #1 is a bit older than yours). I do think my husband is a better “default parent” than I am, and that things work better when I’m not forced into that role.

      One thing you might consider if you conclude you would like another kid is an au pair or other live in nanny; you say your husband is doing 55% of the parenting, but maybe 45% of the baby parenting is just too much (and 45% of the parenting of two is more than of one) and you need another adult to reduce your share of it.

      I will caution you against the really blithe mentions upthread of fostering/adopting to skip the screaming baby stage. Toddler/kid tantrums are extreme sensory overload also, and traumatized kids (as foster/adopt kids pretty universally are) will almost certainly have a lot of behaviors that will be at least as bad from a sensory overload standpoint as a crying baby.

    18. Alexandra Lynch*

      Spectrum mom here!

      It gets a LOT easier once they are above approximately 2 years old. Once they have a personality showing and you’re used to interacting with them, the stress goes way down. I would concentrate on getting your oldest to about four or five, before you have a discussion about a second kid. That’s not an unusual spacing, and it has advantages even for neurotypical kids; by the time you have another, the older kid is starting to do things like nursery school and kindergarten and is okay with being the “big kid” and letting the baby have the baby role. Plus, they aren’t right next to each other in school, and only one in college at a time. So see if he can table the idea for a couple years, with a planned revisit at, say, four years old, and see where you are then.

      IANAD, but autism ran in my family, and if you have a child with autism you both may decide that parenting that one kid takes all your focus. (My cousin and his wife decided that. His son is doing well in college.) Alternately, you may be like me, and find that once you get past the basic human skills issues (eating, walking, dressing, talking) that it’s….not too bad.

      And when I say ran in my family: maternal grandfather, father, me, and two of my three boys, a cousin through my mother, his son, and a niece. We’ve all done just fine in life. My sons are now grown, and one told me that he can tell me anything because I always am calm and don’t fly off the handle when bad things happen, and he’s never seen me lose my temper. Thanks, autism. So we’ve got some good things going for us too. (grin)

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Counterpoint– she could have a kid whose triggers actively butt up against hers. My kid and I are like that. It’s just the way our neurobiology manifested, and we get through it, but it is really difficult for us. Autism runs in my family too, and my spouse’s as it turns out, and that experience really doesn’t make it any easier to cope with moment-to-moment.

        Also, it’s extremely common for kids with autism to have “terrible threes” or “terrible fours” as opposed to “terrible twos.” I’m really glad you had easygoing kids– not all of us are so blessed.

        The aphorism “If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person” holds true. There is a huge diversity of lived experience among us, and a thing that works for one of us isn’t going to work for all of us.

        1. Lilysparrow*

          I’ve always thought “terrible twos” was a misnomer, even for NT kids. It just takes first-time parents off guard that their baby suddenly has opinions.

          Three and four are when they can really, intentionally go full Braveheart on you. And they’re faster and stronger.

          The upside of 3&4 is they can have interesting conversations, walk and mostly use the potty, and they sleep more at night (usually).

    19. Arya Parya*

      Not sure if anyone will read this, but want to thank you for all your thoughtful replies. It was really helpful and I will be taking more time. I really hope I’ll be able to figure things out along the line.

  3. Kuododi*

    Well the results are in and I officially have breast cancer. :(. My immediate family and friends know the situation. My mother completely forgot she was told about the cancer within 24 hrs. (God bless dementia!!!) I have meetings next week with the breast surgeon as well as cardio thoracic surgeon to discuss treatment plans and steps to take for the immediate future. I will update yall as I have more information. Grace and peace

    1. ..Kat..*

      I am so sorry. I wish you the best with your treatment and recovery.

      I recommend you get involved in a support group – either in person or online – as soon as possible. No one will know better what you are going through as much as people who have been there. Also, they will have great suggestions for you about subject X and problem Y, whereas people who have never had breast cancer do not know there is a subject X or problem Y to deal with.

    2. OperaArt*

      Been there. So sorry. Learning of the diagnosis is like getting punched in the stomach.

      Down the road, I’ve got some tips on getting through radiation treatment if that’s something you end up needing.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      sending you a gentle internet hug. I’m sending you those wishes for grace and peace. No advice, just empathy.

    5. Sam Sepiol*

      I am so very sorry :( sending love and support and hoping for a great prognosis.

    8. Tara R.*

      I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope your support system is strong and recovery is fast and easy.

    11. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Oh, so sorry to hear this. I hope that your treatment goes well.

    17. Quandong*

      I’m sorry you are now dealing with breast cancer. Sending best wishes for a really great team of medical professionals throughout your treatment. Also sending internet hugs if you’d like them.

      1. Venus*

        Agreed – I had been thinking of you and sending good thoughts. I wish they had more effect! Best of luck sorting out the way forward.

    19. Rebecca*

      Sending healing thoughts your way, take one day at a time, and hoping for the best.

    20. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Oh, sorry to hear this… Hoping you get a great team around you and that things proceed well.

    21. BreastSolidarity*

      Me too. Has been a roller coaster past few weeks. HER2 took a long time to come back, so was all scheduled for surgery and radiation, but instead had a port placed and start chemo this week.

      Was going to post here anyways asking for chemo advice. Had downloaded some books but they pre-treat with IV benadryl, so expect to be nearly unconscious on chemo days and possibly the next day as well (benadryl really knocks me out! not to mention everything else I will be getting).

      I hope your family are supportive! Mine are mostly great, but am getting tired of all the questions I don’t have answers to yet. Also, my partner suffers from severe depression, so there is only so much I can lean on them.

      Good luck with your journey!

      2. Mobuy*

        There are lots of great new drugs for HER-2, like herceptin and perjeta. Good luck!

        I found that zofran works GREAT on nausea…but it gave me killer constipation. (Sorry for TMI, but we’re talking cancer here!) I took senna before chemo and used some other anti-nausea meds to ease the…pain.

        Hair falls out about day 17. I wish I’d gotten a short hair wig, since it would have made the transition back to real hair less abrupt.

        Overall, this sucks, but you will get through it. Lean on your supporters unapologetically. Keep doing everything you can, including work, exercise, and hobbies. Ignore this advice and all others that doesn’t work for you!

        1. Breast Solidarity*

          Thank you. I know my prognosis is good, but I am still feeling shocked and overwhelmed. It really helps to hear from someone who has been through it!

          Part of what is stressing me out is I am very, very private (even here I am posting anonymously, and no one knows me IRL!). Once i lose my hair it will be a lot harder to pretend that this is not going on to those outside my immediate circle (there is not a wig in the world that matches my crazy curly/frizzy going grey hair! not to mention people will notice the eyebrows….) And going to and from the oncology department when I know many of the people who work in the hospital. I am also scared of the mood swings! I really don’t want to further stress and alienate my partner.

      3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear you too are going through this. I personally haven’t had chemo, but hubby made it through many years, and support was one of the key things for us. He had to let others help, but he also reached out to encourage others and share. I won’t offer specific chemo hints, but the one thing I did was actually map out and write down the decision points – if this happens, do I call? If we get to this, what’s the next step – so that I knew the plan. It’s just me, personally, but I don’t like to be blind sided. I’d focus on the happy path, but if he ran a fever, if he got too dehydrated, if “X” didn’t work, then what? I recommend having a trusted person take notes and ask questions, writing down the answers and the big words (I researched them). Having the “map” of the terrain helped me know if we were almost over the mountains, or just at a lower pass… if there were alternative routes, and when it was just a deceptive little corner to turn. Sorry for the analogy, but that map really helped me. There’s no controlling the actual path, exactly, but I felt more able to cope knowing I had a map of the major items. Sending hug.

      4. deesse877*

        Chemo advice: ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF. The reality lies outside of most people’s direct experience, so they won’t understand what you really need unless/until you state it clearly and repeatedly. Everyone’s had the flu, and they get that people with the flu need rest and soup, but basic chemo things, like that standing for more than a few minutes can be tiring to the point of a falling risk, take a long time for even the well-meaning to internalize. Also hand-washing protocols: I eventually gave up, because no one would take it seriously, but especially if there are children around you, try to make sure people get it. If you can get a doctor or nurse to explain to your spouse and anyone else close to you, that might help. Under no circumstances try to avoid inconveniencing others; I did that and put myself at real risk for complications several times, and I found also th a t it’shard to let go of the anger and fear afterward.

        W/r/t reading: I found TV worked better, as attention to text was energy-draining (not a metaphor; brain uses calories). I liked a tablet in a stand with earphones best.

        Good luck.

        1. Breast Solidarity*

          Thank you.

          I am already working on litter box/cat food issues as I need to avoid those (as well as all cat scratches) My standards and cats’ standards for litter box cleanliness are rather higher than partner’s, though. Tomorrow we go for pre-chemo teaching so I will ask her to go over hand washing in detail with partner.

          I am a little worried about advice to not eat your favorite foods because then you will hate them after? What was your experience? I am hoping that is only during the worst of the nausea and not second half of cycle?

    22. tab*

      So very sorry to hear this news! I found the website http://www.breastcancer.org to be very helpful. On the site I read about a study that encouraged me to have a Oncotype DX test even though I had cancer in two of my lymph nodes. To my great surprise and happiness, the results showed that my cancer was unlikely to progress without chemo. I also found very supportive discussion groups. It’s been seven years since my diagnosis, and I’m still cancer free. I’m sending you good vibes and loads of support. It’s not fun, but you can do this.

    23. Book Lover*

      I am so sorry to hear of the diagnosis – I wish you the very best with treatment.

    24. fposte*

      Oh, Kuododi, that’s not fair. Best wishes to you in getting through treatment and all the attendant admin, which is draining in its own right.

    25. cat socks*

      I’m so sorry. Hoping everything goes smoothly with the appointments and treatments. And hoping for a speedy recovery.

    27. Jen in Oregon*

      This sucks. I am sorry that this is happening to you. I am keeping you in my thoughts for the best possible outcome. Grace and peace right back atcha.

    28. Elizabeth West*

      Oh poo!
      Sending good vibes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    30. WoodswomanWrites*

      So sorry to hear this news. Wishing you the best on your healing journey.

    35. Lora*

      I’m so sorry. This sucks.

      I will say that treatment and especially anti-nausea drugs have gotten SO much better that by the time I had it and definitely by the time my mother had it, the worst part was just being tired all the time. I had a lumpectomy, mom had to have a more radical mastectomy, but both of us were just perpetually tired and needing a nap from chemo. Her hair was GONE, mine just got very thin and I had to style it a bit different.

      When I say tired all the time, I mean I fell asleep driving, multiple times. So, definitely be careful in that regard. I went from “eh, let me just chug this iced latte” to ZZZZZZ in seconds.

      The thing about anti-nausea drugs is, you won’t be nauseous, but you won’t be hungry either. You still lose weight. A lot of weight.

      Other pro tip: sleep in a sports bra. When they do the surgery, your lymphatic system gets all plugged up due to yanking out and biopsying the lymph nodes and nothing drains right. If you just about LIVE in a sports bra, the compression keeps the swelling down and you won’t be in as much pain from fluid backed up in the tissue. All the fluid sort of…squidging around…felt just bizarre and nauseating to me and was really bothersome when I didn’t have a sports bra on.

      You will also want an extra soft toothbrush and I loved the Marvis toothpaste on Amazon – regular toothpaste flavors were much too strong for me. And I used a lot of Pond’s cold cream on skin that was suddenly nasty and flaky, mom used some fancy Sephora stuff, but anticipate your skin acting up.

    36. Arts Akimbo*

      Oh no!!! I am so sorry– best wishes for a great prognosis and a good outcome!

    37. Jean (just Jean)*

      Look after yourself, put yourself first, and take good care. Grace and peace to you and your support team.

  4. Orange You Glad*

    What are your friendship dealbreakers?

    Things that would make you end a relationship with that person? (Or at least downgrade them to polite-in-public status?)

    1. Lena Clare*

      People who consistently don’t make you feel great when you’re in their company and who’re emotional drains! It’s ok if a friend is having a bad time and it’s temporary, but every time? No.

      Narcissists, sociopaths, avoidant types.
      Any relationship where the emotional imbalance is there.

      If you don’t have anything to talk about, really find yourself disagreeing with almost everything they say, find that they have repugnant views, just don’t enjoy their company or they don’t seem to envoy yours…

      All of these things would make me reevaluate a friendship.

      1. Ola*

        Most people would feel this way. Its a large part of the reason why it’s so difficult for people with depression. On top of feeling shit already, they also feel shit about affecting people around them. Hence they’d put on happy fronts and when that gets too much to maintain they start shutting off.

        1. Lena Clare*

          People who are depressed do not make *me* feel bad. I’m not talking about people who are depressed.

          I’m talking about people who aren’t nice to you who make you feel uncomfortable, who say passive-aggressive things to you and when you come away you start thinking about it and wondering whether they meant something about it, but you just can’t figure what because you’ve not done anything wrong.
          People who can make you feel a little bit paranoid where you’re not paranoid with your other relationships.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          Okay, as a person who has had depression:

          • Yes, you do have to think about how your behavior affects the people around you, who have to interact with you. Like any other adult. For a lot of us that was the push to get treatment, recognizing that it was not a problem in a silo but affecting other people around us.
          • Imbalanced relationships are exhausting for the support person, and it’s not fair to try and make that into some permanent arrangement.
          • There’s a whole genre of advice letters that go “My friend refuses to get treatment for their serious mental health problems and wants to just have me handle everything and omg I cannot handle this.”

          1. ThatGirl*

            I agree… my husband has struggled with depression since he was a teen, long before we met. He is smart enough to know that he can’t dump everything on me, that even on his bad days his mental health is not an excuse to take it out on me or his friends. Sometimes he’s quiet or withdrawn but it’s still better than lamenting the state of things endlessly and spiraling into a black hole.

          2. Venus*

            Thank you for this! I have a friend who had a lot of issues at one point (thankfully they got help and it made a huge difference for him!) and some days I questioned if I could survive the friendship, but….
            I could be honest with them, and that made all the difference. “You’re not having a good day, so let’s try again next week”. He would apologize, and we would meet up the next week. I didn’t mind his depression, but he was critical of me on his bad days, yet we could be honest.

            A neighbour mentioned a similar situation recently. A long-time friend was super grumpy, and taking it out on him, so he said “Hey, can you complain in a way that isn’t accusing me?”

            Honesty and the ability to cope well with it (not perfectly, but at least not make it worse) is critical for me.

      2. RUKiddingMe*

        “…having a bad time and it’s temporary, but every time?”

        So much this. This is my sister. She never speaks to me without it being something bad. I never, ever get a text saying “hi, how’s it going” or anything. It will always ben something *wrong.* Husband and others thought I was imagining it. I started saving the texts (some are incredibly long) and showed them to them once. Every single one (including the one I got the other day!) are some kind of crisis.

        I barely have the energy to live my own life, I can’t live/fix hers, so I barely engage with her at all. If she wasn’t my sister, if she was just a friend, I would have ceased communication a long, long, *long* time ago.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          My cousin is sort of like this. I refer to her as “Bad News Bear.” She has a lot of anxiety, so I try to be understanding, but about 90% of her text messages start off with “Ugh…[Insert bad thing that is happening]…”

    2. Sam Sepiol*

      Banana knock knock!!
      Interesting timing for this as a friendship I ended has come back out of the woodwork trying to make me feel bad about it this week. I hadn’t realised quite how much I’d enjoyed the peace and quiet of the last 3+ months without dealing with this covert narcissist until I got an email from her.
      I’ll have a think about it and post later. The thing that actually made me end the friendship was her part in my losing my child in the park and not giving a crap about her role in it. Do Not Recommend. But there were warning signs for a long time before that.

      1. Evie*

        “The thing that actually made me end the friendship was her part in my losing my child in the park and not giving a crap about her role in it. “?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!

        No wonder you ended the friendship!!!!!!!

        1. Sam Sepiol*

          IKR?! I really wish I’d gone with my instincts and ended the friendship before that.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Lost child has me topped. But I did cool a relationship over a lost dog. I got the dog back after some scary moments.
          It’s really important for friends to care about the beings that we care about. It’s kind of a way of expressing love/friendship, to be concerned or take an interest in the beings surrounding us.

          I can be okay if a person does not do that. I know I don’t do that all the time. However, I draw my line when someone is careless/thoughtless with others around me. Don’t be so negligent that someone gets hurt, I am done if a person shows that level of lack of caring.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      People who spend their life lunging between their own crises and helping everyone else with their crises. Some people life their lives on the edge of toppling over into chaos, and as soon as their larger social community helps pull them back from the brink, if they don’t topple over again they start looking for other people to help and will spend their last dime/spoon/other resource helping that other person, at which point they’ll need help themselves again and reach out to the rest of their friends to provide it.

      They’re generally well-intentioned people who genuinely want to help everyone as well as receive help in return, but I’m just exhausted and can’t constant crisis anymore. (I will definitely help my friends who try to not live their lives in constant crisis when they have the occasional time of need, and I’ve been helped by them in return. That’s a reasonable part of friendship, and it’s not like a I keep a strict accounting of whose “turn” it is to help me based on past help or anything. I just no longer can deal with the people who live their entire lives in crisis and actively seek out more crises to participate in when things aren’t on fire for them at that exact moment rather than shore up their own situations using that grace and breathing room.)

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes. Yes. I have a friend like this. I still love her, but the last couple of years dealing with various personal issues have meant I’ve pulled back HARD from our friendship. I just don’t have the headspace to have the same conversation about her poorly-managed anxiety, her mystifying relationship choices, her ever-changing employment and living situations, and what I think she needs to do about all those things. Again. For the fiftieth time. She’s an incredibly self-sacrificing person in a lot of ways but also a bottomless pit of need, and I just don’t have the bandwidth any more.

        1. Justin*

          I know this feeling. I sort of wrote about it below. It hurts to pull back, but it hurts more to stay.

    4. Dan*

      People who always have to be the center of attention, and/or don’t think your needs are as equally important as theirs.

      Lena Clare is a bit more explicit, but along those lines, I’ve had way too many people with Cluster B personality disorders in my life, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s how to pick up on the behaviors and run like hell.

      Oh, less with platonic friends and more so with romantic friends: People who can’t handle their alcohol and who won’t admit it. I’m all for having fun, but it’s not fun when I turn into your baby sitter.

      1. Auntie Social*

        People who have rules for you but none for them. I had a friend with severe food allergies. She’d never take any emergency nibbles in her purse no matter how long we were out, and would want to hold out for one or two only-okay restaurants. When I’d say I just want to duck in to McD’s for some fries to hold me, she’d have a fit and lecture me on the evils of McD’s or fries, and sometimes I’d be hangry by the time we ate. So her son is getting married, engagement party at bride’s mom’s house, with many Costco appetizers with wheat that E is packing in. I point out that some may give her a reaction, she ignores me and eats more wheat than I’ve eaten in a week. So I realized this is her thing to be ‘special’, but I was the one who bore the brunt of it. I talked to her diet and exercise guy, he said he knew she was eating things off the bad list because she wasn’t losing weight, so he wouldn’t work with her again either. Oh—and she’s a psychologist. Oy.

        1. fposte*

          Though extra oy for the diet and exercise guy who cheerfully badmouthed his client to somebody else.

    5. Tara R.*

      This might be obvious to most people, but people who openly insult or make fun you for the things you enjoy. It took me a long time to drop a friend who was constantly mocking my taste in TV and music, but I was very grateful when I finally did.

      1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

        One of my greatest pleasures in life is finding a friend who does share my tastes in music, movies, and TV shows. I admit to cringing when a friend spontaneously mentions loving a TV show I find inane.
        If the mocking can’t be done in a good-natured, mutual way (“Dude, you’ll forget all about LameBand when you hear MyCoolNewFave”), the friend should keep her opinions to herself and look elsewhere for fellow fans to bond with.

        1. Tara R.*

          We had plenty of stuff in common too, which I think actually bothered her a lot. She was one of those people who needed to be the coolest and “most cultured” in any given room.

          I actually cringe a bit at geeky parents who are like “Look at my 8-year-old watching Monty Python and Doctor Who with me, she’s so cool! So glad I don’t have to put up with that Peppa the pig nonsense!” Not because I disagree with sharing your interests with your kid! By all means, show them shows that you like. But kids aren’t just little statues that sit there while you coo with your friends over them, they absorb this stuff and go to school and tell their classmates that they’re Really Cool and everyone else is lame. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened with this girl, and it ended up having a really bad impact on her social life.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Gosh yes, this too. With one former friend I felt like I was always in a coolness competition that I never signed up for.

    6. Feliz*

      My husband & I moved cities early in 2018 to somewhere we didn’t know anyone. I’m now 40 (!) and it has been a tough move from a friendship perspective but now I feel like I’ve made some really good friends and its so nice. It has also really made me evaluate friendships and try to be a better friend than I have been in the past.

      Major deal breaker – People who are very judgmental of others. This one took me a long time to figure out but when I finally split with a friend I couldn’t believe the relief I felt not hearing her constant criticism and envy. A bit of a vent every now and then is fine, I do it myself, but it was endless.

      What I like (and therefore try to do):
      – People who do what they say they’ll do – no last minute cancelling/no shows
      – People who have passions and interests, are curious about the world and are enthusiastic. It helps the friendship if there’s overlaps in passions/interests, but generally I’ll really enjoy myself with people who love learning and trying new things and are enthusiastic about stuff. I don’t want to spend time with someone who is “meh” about everything.
      – People who really listen when you talk. Being better at listening is a work in progress for me as I like to talk and can end up dominating conversations – ugh!

      I have friends who have genuine, major difficulties in their lives and yet they still are able to see the positive in things, to genuinely happy for others’ good news etc. I truly hope that if ever I am faced with challenges of their magnitude that I can show half of their grace.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Keeping their word: It’s almost like a need for me in my life, not just a want. It’s important to me that people do as they say they will do. However, I appreciate/value when a friend says, “I want to do x with you, but I am not sure if I will make it.” I would rather hear that than hear empty promises. (I don’t even need to hear reasons why they may not make it. I just value the honesty of saying “I can’t promise”.)
        OTH, I work at not over-committing myself so that I do not let other people down, because after all this is a two way road.

        1. Sam Sepiol*

          This is really helpful for me. One of my friends is great but utterly fails to Just Show Up. Recently she’s offered a specific kind of help to me, and I know she means it and it would be great if she did help in that way, but she has a terrible track record of not showing up for coffee or social stuff so forgive me if I’m not going to rely on the offered support :(

          Which sucks. Because I’m not getting any support anywhere else and it really hurts, actually, to have it offered and yet know I can’t accept without taking a high risk of getting shat on (to put it bluntly).

          1. Jasnah*

            Last minute flaking, or never answering “yes I can come” or “no I can’t” but always “maybe” or “I’ll let you know” that makes me feel like it’s more “if nothing better comes up.”

    7. Cows go moo*

      Inability to apologize. I had a friend who hurt me repeatedly but it was her continued denial that was the dealbreaker. I just wanted her to say sorry so I knew she knew it was wrong and it wouldn’t happen again.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Sometimes people “show they are sorry” rather than saying it. For example, they just appear at the front door with a replacement for the item they broke or lost. I am great with that. Apologies can come in different forms. Like you are saying, no expression of regret is Not Good with me.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        Beware of people who say they’re sorry, then do the same thing over and over again. They are not sorry.

      3. Minocho*

        I had a friend post some pretty mean stuff about our group. We weren’t called out by name in online, but it was obvious to us as we read it that he was making fun of us and calling us names – it was very disrespectful. I said I needed to talk to him about it and added another three hours to my 12 hour day to say “This happened, and it wasn’t cool. You don’t do this.” His response was “I don’t care, look at how many upvotes I got, it was worth it.”.

        Instant “friend” -> “aquaintance”.

    8. FD*

      A big one for me is that I look for people who make an effort to ask what’s going on with me as well as talking about themselves. I try to be a really good listener and take pride in remembering what people have told me about themselves. I don’t expect other people to be as good at remembering, but I like to see a bit of effort n that area.

      The only friend I ever broke up with, I broke up with after she admitted that she wanted people to listen to her but she didn’t really care about what was going on with them.

    9. The Other Dawn*

      Someone who refuses to help themselves. They’d rather wallow in self-pity and blame others for their situation than do something to change it. This typically means this person is all take and no give in the friendship, and it’s exhausting. I ended that friendship 20+ years and I’m so glad I did; it was so draining. I sometimes think about her and miss the talks we used to have, but not enough to dive back into the deep end.

    10. Traffic_Spiral*

      Constant cancelling. I mean, I could list all the other things I don’t like in a person, but generally if someone rubs me the wrong way we didn’t become friends to begin with, so that’s not much of an issue. But if someone’s jerking me around every time we try and hang out, I’m gonna decide it’s not worth the hassle.

    11. Caterpie*

      People who want to be the only [gender1] person in an otherwise all or majority [gender2] friend group and are hostile to any other [gender1] people brought into the group.

      I just can’t with those people, especially when it gets to a level of gaslighting friend group members over all new relationships/friendships.

      1. Anon Librarian*

        I know the type! Related: every so often, I’ll meet a woman who announces, upon introducing herself, that she doesn’t like women and it’s not personal. Ok. Way to judge me based on what I look like. And although you may feel that way, is it really necessary to announce it? Usually, the subtext is more like, “I want to be the only woman in the room and therefore the center of attention ALL the time! So go away! (It’s not personal.)”

        I’m really masculine and I often have more male friends than female friends. We tend to have more hobbies in common, share a sense of humor, etc. But that’s a huge generalization. I can’t imagine actually judging someone just because of the silly gender categories that we’re all placed in. People need to learn how to redirect their need for attention and reassurance – there are ways to address those needs without hurting people.

        1. a teacher*

          Ugh, that type! What a huge amount of self-loathing those woman-hating women must be carrying inside. But it’s not my problem to entertain. Fuck them, honestly.

          1. Ethyl*

            I grew out of being “the cool girl” 20 years ago but some people just don’t. Also, I think it’s hilarious that back then, I very much “wasn’t really friends with women” but looking back on it I had many amazing women friends? Most of which I’m still friends with now? And all those dudes turned out to be either a) kinda shitty friends and the relationships were really one-sided, b) that flavor of misogynist that nerd dudes are so good at, or c) both. God I was stupid lol.

    12. Book Wyrm*

      The biggest thing for me is whether our emotion investment is equal. I have one friend that I’m currently cutting back time with because I realized that I gave and she took without her giving me anything. Every conversation was about her: her good things and her bad things, her life and every little detail about it. She rarely wants to listen to me and, even if she did briefly ask about me, she would take my answer and turn it back on herself.

      I’m not doing any one-on-one outings with her anymore and am really only engaging with her in larger group gatherings where it’s easier to direct conversations away from her self-centered-ness. I’m already a lot happier with much less time with her.

    13. Felicia*

      People who either constantly cancel or never agree to make plans in advance, only ever wanting to see me at the last minute eg asking in the morning if I want to see them that night. If they never want to see me what’s the point. I’ve gone to minimal only group contact with this person recently and I don’t consider us friends anymore.

      Also people who are against gay marriage. One of my former friends was shocked when I very bluntly broke up our friendship after knowing her a year when I found this out. People can think what they want, but I’m a lesbian which they knew and I’m not going to be friends with someone who doesn’t think I deserve to marry someone I love.

    14. bassclefchick*

      When she tried to make MY wedding all about HER and what SHE wanted. She didn’t even have the courtesy to show up on time to my bridal shower. Didn’t even let me know she was going to be late. Ended a 30 year friendship. Though, to be honest, she’d always been rather selfish.

    15. A Simple Narwhal*

      Extremely long story short, I had a friend who met me when my life was a bit of a mess, and we got really close really fast. Over the years I got my life together, and the better things got for me, the worse she would treat me. It started out small, but by the time my life was actually going pretty great, she was openly hostile. I could go on and on about the crazy things she did, but long story short, friends who don’t want you to succeed aren’t friends at all.

      For a less intense example, I had to downgrade a good friend to an ok friend after carpooling with her for a year and I realized she only ever wanted to talk about the issues going on in her life (which over the course of time I learned most were caused by herself) and didn’t want to hear about what was going on with me, ever. ~100 hours of that will wear you out real fast.

      1. Ethyl*

        Yessssss friends who want to keep you in some kind of role they’ve assigned you! Usually these roles are things than benefit the other person while making you feel like complete crap. Whether that’s “the fuckup who always needs my help,” “my unpaid therapist,” “taxi service,” “the irrational one who needs calming down” or what have you, the end result is usually that once you start getting out of that role and resisting their efforts to force you back in, you realize the friendship wasn’t based on much at all.

      2. Same*

        That happened to me too. Someone I thought was my biggest cheerleader only resented it when I made some actual changes in my life. Turned out she was only looking for misery company.

        1. Jane of all Trades*

          Yes I had that too! This person was an amazing friend when things were not going well for me – we met when we both had a rough time, but the better things started going, the more she withdrew.

    16. Virginia Girl*

      People who put you down. People who are emotional vampires. These people need to go!

    17. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      Realizing that we just do not have much in common anymore. Sometimes perfectly decent, loyal, reasonable people over time develop divergent interests.
      Feeling that you have become a customer instead of a friend (curse you, MLMs!)

      My idiosyncratic caution flags for moving an acquaintanceship into a friendship:
      “I never got The Simpsons/ thought SNL was funny.” If you don’t like satire, I will
      offend you probably sooner than later.
      Lack of curiosity. I get frustrated with those who can’t be arsed to Google anything
      Unsolicited comments on food/drink/wardrobe choices: “Aren’t you cold?” “Are you vegetarian or something?” It’s a little thing that irritates like a pebble in your shoe.

    18. Book Lover*

      It takes me a very long time, years, but feeling like I am the only person reaching out. Always being the one to connect and ask to make plans. I got a text from an old friend cheerfully wishing me a happy birthday and saying we would get together and I just snorted and ignored it – after giving my availability multiple times in the past after reaching out myself and never getting a response. The same with another person who usually did say yes, but I got tired of being the only one who seemed to want to make an effort. It is tiring and makes me feel unwanted and what’s the point.

    19. Parenthetically*

      “Brutal honesty” when that brutal honesty is only ever about putting others in their place. I don’t have time for “counter-cultural truth-tellers/straight-shooters” who are really just assholes punching down and then gaslighting you into thinking YOU’RE to blame for being “too sensitive.”

    20. Acornia*

      MLM pitches
      People who are relentlessly positive “good vibes only” people. (Friends should be willing to walk hard paths with each other!)
      People who won’t even consider other people’s viewpoints – their worldview is the one and only True Way of How The World Works.
      Bigots

    21. kc89*

      well there are the big ones like racism and homophobia

      and then something that can take longer to present is a type of person who is only happy when they are unhappy, if you haven’t been around people like that it might not make sense but I seem to draw people like that to me unfortunately. It can be a perfect day but they will have to find fifty things to be annoyed and mad about, and they are happy as a clam in that state of mind.

    22. Clever Name*

      After I divorced my emotionally abusive ex husband I realized that I would have to move on from some friends who after I told them about the emotional abuse decided to remain friends with my ex. It sounds super petty, but it’s a decision I made for my safety as well as for my emotional health. Captain awkward actually has a really good post about it.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        That’s not petty at all. It’s self-preservation. Glad you realized you had to move on.

        1. Ethyl*

          Here’s some that came to mind immediately. TRIGGER WARNING on these posts for frank discussion of abuse.

          Why “not taking a side” is taking the abuser’s side:
          https://captainawkward.com/2014/11/10/643-the-stinking-pile-of-wordpoop-that-is-im-not-going-to-choose-a-side/

          On abusers in social circles:
          https://captainawkward.com/2018/10/02/1148-navigating-the-aftermath-of-the-abuse-in-the-social-circle/

          FOR REAL TRIGGER WARNING even more than the first one”

          “Dear Captain Awkward, our friend hits women.”
          https://captainawkward.com/2017/05/11/960-our-friend-hits-women/

        2. Ethyl*

          I posted some links, which are in the spam trap, so check back in a bit. I’m sorry you are going through this.

          Clever Name, that’s the opposite of petty. It’s actually quite brave and badass, really! I mean, you are protecting yourself, first, even if it means losing friends (who are kinda shitty friends), plus you are not letting your ex take up that space in your life or your relationships. That’s so amazing.

    23. NicoleK*

      -People who want/demand/expect special treatment.
      -People who tell you they value you, but will do the opposite.
      -And people who support politicians with racist, sexist, xenophobic, hateful and fear mongering views.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Same. I ended a friendship (albeit an old one that had moved to Facebook) when the person posted a nasty meme about the kids who survived the Parkland shooting and then doubled down when I called her on it.

    24. MeepMeep*

      Bigotry of any kind. Even if it’s not directed to People Like Me. Can’t stand bigots and won’t have them in my life.

    25. Lilysparrow*

      I’m sure I could come up with more on reflection, but the ones that have actually occurred in my life would be:

      -Lying to me or about me.
      -Being mean to kids (mine, yours, or anyone’s). Or being mean/spiteful in general.
      -Asking me to lie for you, or help you cheat or defraud anyone, including the IRS.
      -Asking me to “share” a controlled-substance prescription.
      -Insulting or cursing at me, or really at anyone directly.
      -Demonstrating, as a grown person, a lack of basic self-control to an extreme, such as being sloppy/pass-out drunk, reckless driving, screaming rage or fighting, etc.

    26. Gatomon*

      I have ended a few friendships with people I could only hang out with when they were into it. They were the type who got really into hanging out with you for a few months, and then suddenly you wouldn’t hear anything at all from them. I really crave stability, and it just didn’t work for me. Either let’s hang out routinely at a slower pace, or not at all. I can’t tolerate swinging from best friends to no contact every few months.

      I also have a friend that I keep at arms length – they’re a great person, but they have gotten dealt a bad hand in life and there is only so much support I can offer them. I really do not have any advice or reference point for dealing with serious abuse in all forms, PTSD and drug abuse, and while I’m empathetic, the best person to help is their therapist. I’m happy to meet for coffee and catch up, but that’s about it.

    27. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve had friendships fade away when we just stopped having anything in common, but to actually end one, it would have to be pretty egregious. For example, I had a friend use me as a sounding board for years and once her situation improved, she blew me off and disappeared. F*ck her. If she ever returned and wanted to be friends again, I’d nope out.

      Any monkey business with my SO (assuming he didn’t entertain it) would be an automatic dump. Really, anything that abused my trust.

    28. Ra94*

      People who are flaky, cancel plans, and are always late…but somehow manage to be perfectly organized in their professional lives or when it ‘matters’ to them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying people should give as much care to brunch as they do to a job interview, but there’s a difference between someone who’s genuinely a bit of a mess (which is annoying but forgivable) and someone who doesn’t value your time. I had a friend in college who was routinely 25-30 minutes late to every meetup, who openly admitted she came late ‘just in case’ the other person was late so that her time wasn’t wasted.

    29. Foreign Octopus*

      Ignoring my (clearly stated) boundaries.

      I don’t exactly make it a secret that I enjoy time alone when I’m not working. My home is my sanctuary, and I don’t enjoy having other people in it unless I’ve had time to prepare and clean and get some food in. I also prefer to keep my friends in one sphere and my family in another, and I don’t like it when they cross streams unless they’re friends from childhood who obviously know my parents and my brothers.

      I’ve ended a friendship with a woman about seven months ago because, despite me telling her that some things were making me uncomfortable, she kept trampling over my boundaries. Example:

      1. Turning up to my house uninvited on my one day off a week when I was sitting on my porch in my underwear catching up on Netflix (I live in the very rural country: underwear sitting is fine because no one’s around). I made it clear that I wasn’t up for guests but she stayed for four hours with her two dogs who chased my cat off the property and made her hide under my car for an hour after she was gone, and she broke a mug at the same time.

      2. Inviting herself back to my house because she had never seen it before when we accidentally came across each other in a café whilst I was having breakfast. She then proceeded to make firm friends with my parents who were visiting and lived nearby.

      3. Invited herself along to various family events despite me expressing my displeasure at it.

      4. And the biggest dealbreaker of all, calling me her sister. Nope, sorry, way too intense. I know some people have great reasons for viewing friends as family, but I don’t. It made me incredibly uncomfortable.

      For all these reasons, I pulled way back on the friendship and have been much, much happier.

    30. CatMom*

      – put-downs or other behavior that intentionally makes you feel bad about yourself
      – being overly self-involved
      – never reaches out or initiates plans (excluding reasonable obstacles like having a new baby or something)
      – no longer fun to be around
      – persistent bigotry or closed-mindedness

    31. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      A person who constantly and consistently flakes/no-show despite saying she’d show up.

      Case in point: Mutual friend has premature baby and months later invites us all to meet baby. Flaker says she’ll show up to meet baby but flakes and same day, decides not to show up. Group of friends waited for Flaker to show. I was upset on mutual friend’s behalf and felt at this point, flaker was lying about showing up—to a baby. And it takes a special kind of dysfunctional person to lie to a baby.

      1. Curlz*

        Not saying what she did was okay, but it seems odd that you’re framing it as “lying to a baby” – I doubt the baby was the one she told her intentions to.

    32. Anon For This*

      Unfortunately a lot at this point. The default for me is being casual friends with people – we talk when we see each other in public, and we exchange the occasional public comment on social media. I reserve anything closer for people who I really want to be friends with. Right now, I’m choosing to be selective. It’s not that I don’t like other people; it’s just that I want to keep the social side of my life pretty chill so I can focus on other things.

      I avoid:

      – People who are condescending
      – People who I don’t have much in common with, which doesn’t have to be superficial. You can lack superficial common ground but have common attitudes that form the basis of a good friendship, or vice versa.
      – People who want me to party with them, are in that phase of life, and take issue with the fact that I’m not. If you make an issue of the fact that I don’t smoke weed, we can’t be friends. I’ll respect your choices, but you have to respect mine in return (this one comes up a lot).
      – People who are hard to relate to because they come across as immature or entitled. I know how judgmental this sounds, but experience has taught me that these traits tend to come with a lot of drama that I don’t have the energy for.
      – People who don’t believe me when I talk about my own life. This comes up bizarrely often. When you mention basic facts or past experiences and people accuse you of lying. They don’t ask questions in a respectful way; they just assume and accuse.
      – People who don’t understand my priorities and subsequent way of life and are insulting and judgmental because of it.
      – People who seem to want something from me instead of just wanting to be friends.
      – People who lie a lot

      That’s not even the end of it. There’s so much more.

      My life and circumstances are different than most people’s. I know this post may seem odd. There’s a reason things are the way they are, but I’m staying anon here.

    33. Gaia*

      I am a very closed off person. I have a lot of people I consider acquaintances but very few I consider friends. That is mostly because I take a long time to trust someone and let them know me well enough to hit that “friend” level. So once they hit that level I’m pretty easy going and willing to take the good with the bad.

      But the absolute deal breaker for me is honesty. And I don’t mean white lies – everyone tells them sometimes and if they are of no consequence I don’t really care (although I will question why they felt it was necessary). I mean lies of consequence. For any reason. It is an absolute violation of my trust and it will, at best, put them right back in acquaintance zone and, more likely, result in a total removal from my social world. There are no second chances there.

    34. Alexandra Lynch*

      Emotional drains. People who want to keep poking at how I live my life and want to evangelize me to another way. (I’m a happy poly pagan who eats meat. I don’t want to do crossfit, I can’t go vegan due to allergies, leave me be.)

      If you steal from or lie to me or members of my family, or are untrustworthy. I extend this even to chronic lateness; if I can’t trust you to show up when you said you would, what good is it?

      Otherwise, if you have to fall out of contact for a few years, eh. We’ll pick it back up later.

    35. Staxman*

      Surliness and irrationality. The prime example is a cousin with whom I maintained a friendship from age 14 to age 24 (we were the same age). We weren’t local to each other so, the friendship was mostly conducted by snail mail, with occasional F2F contact. She had a habit of having major hissy fits at other people for minor real or (usually) imagined miscues that a normal person would never even think of making an issue of. Her favorite expression was “you should have.” I let it ride because I was a wimp at the time, and I held out the hope that somehow, some day, I could get her to see reason and logic.

      One day when I was visiting her she pulled this on me, and I pushed back. Basically she got mad because I wasn’t a mind reader. She doubled down, stonewalled, and said my reasons for not doing what she thought I “should have” were rationalizing. The hell of it was, even if it had been technically true that I “should have,” it was utterly trivial. I ran this past a psychotherapist friend a few years ago, and she said, “Your cousin has a need to be right.”

      I kept up the front for the remaining few days of the visit, went home, and ghosted her. She made an overture through another family member 3.5 years later, and I took some satisfaction in saying no.

    36. Minocho*

      Reasons I have broken off friendships:
      1. Being sexually assaulted by a said “friend”.
      2. Friend had anger issues, and took out their temper too many times on me (no violence).
      3. Attempted to turn friendship into romance. Mistakes were made on both sides, feelings were hurt. I took a break from the friendship to deal with my hurt feelings and try to get back on an even emotional keel. Friend insisted on contact, so he could explain mistakes weren’t mistakes, but were hurtful on purpose because…reasons? Nope. Bye.
      4. Lost a whole group of friends within the last year. This one still stings. One member of the group is…sort of in control of many other members. Often makes racist and sexist “jokes”. I began to feel this member was manipulative / controlling in a gross way. He would tear people down that he didn’t control through family ties to keep them attached to the group, and was trying to do this to me now. Lost all but one of the friends in that group due to not being willing to deal with the one guy anymore after a couple of very nasty incidents.

  5. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I broke my own heart yet again this week. Killed one of my favourite characters, so pardon me while I go mourn her passing.

    1. Weegie*

      I was persuaded by a friend to sign up for Camp Nanowrimo this month, so I’ve actually started writing again after a six-month fallow period. I’ve only got the novel’s outline written, though, and haven’t been writing every day. But it’s a start!

    2. Kowalski! Options!*

      I’m starting back on my NaNoWriMo project. I got 22,500 words and about twelve days into it, then things exploded at work and I dropped it. Looking forward to getting something of a serviceable first draft done this summer.

    3. Lucien Nova*

      I am working on a multi-chapter Thing – something I’ve not done in literal years – fifteen different prompts and I have actually completed six of them and am working on the seventh. In only a couple of weeks! (They are all fairly short, but still, I’m best pleased with myself as I’ve not properly written for…a long time.)

    4. Daisy Avalin*

      Attempting to continue my main HP fanfic, whilst also plodding along tweaking several others in the hopes that something will make my brain spring to life! It’s been some time since I posted anything, but I feel I need to get back into it.

    5. Claire*

      One promo article written and sent off to my publicist for #pirates1. Two chapters finished and a number of plot details worked out for #pirates2.

      Oh, and I’m tickled to report an awesome one-star review for Not!Sherlock1: “Poorly written socialist dribble that disrespects all that have served this Great Nation.” Achievement unlocked!

  6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    Anyone have any ideas for selling possibly-collectible Matchbox cars? Apparently, a friend of my stepfather bought a bunch of them “as an investment*” at some point (or possibly gradually over time) and has been keeping them in their original packages in his storage unit ever since.

    There are apparently quite a lot of them, and this friend is now in the hospital, things don’t look good, and it’s time to start getting rid of all of the junk in the storage unit so the storage unit monthly expense can be gotten rid of and maybe some money can be found to cover some of these medical bills. Unlike the many boxes of VHS tapes also in the storage unit, there is hope (by some of the people involved, at least) that someone might possibly pay some money for at least some of the Matchbox cars.

    I know nothing about any of this. (My nerd collection hobby is filk recordings, which is really, really different than collecting toy cars in more ways than I can even begin to articulate. The closest analogue I know anything at all about is comics, and that’s just because I’m acquainted with some comics collectors even though I don’t collect comics myself.) I told them maybe eBay, maybe call someone who does estate sales?

    Stepdad doesn’t really collect anything relevant or use the internet for his hobbies, and is clearly going to get stuck with this and many other friend-related tasks in the coming days/weeks/months. Anyone know anything we should keep in mind when trying to figure out which, if any, of these things have value? My expectations for actually getting meaningful amounts of money out of this are low, but I’m not sure that understanding is shared by the other people involved. (I am optimistic that, worst case scenario, at least Goodwill will take the toys as a donation, unlike the VHS tapes which we are probably going to have to pay someone to recycle.)

    *Based on my grasp of the rest of this person’s decisions, I would not expect them to have any insight into “good investments” as it might pertain to the collectibles market.

    1. Weegie*

      They’re definitely collectible, and some models are worth a lot of money. I’ve just googled and turned up a collectors’club that seems to have international branches (the website looks old, though). Maybe make contact with the club and see if they can advise? Auctioneers would also advise whether this particular collection is worth anything, if the sellers can’t be bothered with ebay.

    2. German Girl*

      I’m not at all an expert on this but I’d try to search for some of the cars on eBay and look at what prices you see.
      Apparently some of these cars are worth something. My quick search got me anything from 60 cars for 60$ to a single car for 20$ plus shipping. So if you can find the specific models you have, you’ll have an idea of the price, and if you can’t, just auction one of an you’ll get an idea.

      1. Ethyl*

        This is my advice as well. I learned a lot about collecting vintage fountain pens and pencils when spouse’s mom died and we had a huge box of them (and now I also collect them lol!). eBay and general internet searches of the brand names helped me figure out what I had and what in the box was properly “collectible” versus what I could sell in a lot for people to break down for parts.

    3. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Oh yes, the matchbox cars *in their original unopened packaging* are worth a few bob… some can go at really silly prices. So definitely not ”junk”. You go look on say eBay and do the maths. Selling them requires a bit of investment in good packing and figuring out the postage, but it is a very easy collectible to get rid of and doesn’t take too much effort to take good pictures.

      And don’t diss the VHS tapes either. People collect the weirdest stuff…. and there was recently a story of a bit of a hoarder lady who taped tv shows and kept all the tapes and had a few apartments! in New York!! full of the tapes… and they are now actually a treasure trove for researchers as most of the tv stations would not have kept the recordings…

      If you lived anywhere near me I’d be over wuth an u-haul and a wad of cash, so watch out for the lovejoys.

    4. Chaordic One*

      Yes, do check on eBay to get an idea of what the prices might be. It seems to me that the really valuable ones tend to be the oldest from the 1950s and 1960s, but now the ones from the 1970s and 1980s are increasing in value. If they are newer, but ordinary, ones you should get some money for them, but probably no more than 50 cents to a dollar or so, so they’re probably not really a good investment. If you sell them on eBay there are the listing costs and shipping costs to consider. My GBF collects them, but has told me that he plans to sell some at a Matchbox collector’s club. (I have a similar obsession with things Barbie.)

    5. Grace*

      Following. My great-grandad died nearly a decade ago, and we still haven’t done anything with his Matchbox cars…

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Find specialized online communities. Find the matchbook car subbreddit or whatever and go from there.

    7. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I was able to get rid of a pile of old vhs tapes by advertising them for free on Craigslist and putting them out for free in a neighborhood yard sale.

    9. Sam Foster*

      Be prepared for it take longer than you’d think to sell the stuff off. We just had to do this for dad’s collectibles. The professional shops wanted to give us dimes on the dollar, private collectors wanted to give us pennies on the dollar, so we had to eBay them ourselves with all the headaches that entails. Good luck!

  7. Tara R.*

    Does anyone have good iron rich recipes? (Not vegetarian although I don’t usually eat a ton of meat, no food restrictions other than being a bit picky). Three months of supplements took my ferritin from 7 to 17, and my doctor says I have to stay on them until at least 50. I do a lot of meal prep and like to cook one meal that I can eat alone (so lots of veggies, nutritionally balanced) for several days, but I’m open to anything at this point.

    Bonus points for no dairy. Apparently my favourite spinach feta salad inhibits the absorption. :(

    1. Lena Clare*

      I make the following recipe so often that my cookery book is splattered in green! It is creamy spinach curry with crispy tofu and it’s in Jackfruit and Blue Ginger by Sasha Gill. I cannot find a link to it online so I will type it out here.

      In a food processor, blitz together until fairly smooth 4 cups of firmly packed spinach leaves, half a cup of vegetable stock, one cup of plant milk, 1 small white onion diced, 4 garlic cloves finely chopped, 2.5 cm of ginger finely chopped, 1 red chilli deseeded and sliced, 1 large tomato diced, half a teaspoon of salt, 1-2 teaspoons of white sugar, one teaspoon of garam masala, and two tablespoons of nutritional yeast.

      Press the tofu by wrapping it in a clean lint free tea towel and placing a wooden chopping block on top. Add something heavy to weigh it down. I usually use one of my big cookery books. Half an hour should do it.

      When it’s pressed, cut into cubes then toss them in a bowl with one teaspoon of ground cumin, and one tablespoon of nutritional yeast.

      Tip of the curry ingredients into a large saucepan over a medium heat and bring to a boil. Thicken the curry for about 15 minutes. Meanwhile, fry the tofu for about 2 to 3 minutes on each side then add the tofu into the curry sauce for the rest of the cooking time.

      Serve it warm garnished with a drizzle of soya cream or vegan yoghurt, shredded ginger, and lime wedges.

      If you did actually want to eat dairy with this then you can simply replace the toffee with paneer cheese, fry it without any cumin or nutritional yeast before adding it to the curry sauce, and add dairy cream on top.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh I should say that the tofu is a whole 200-250g block, and it serves 4 people if you’re having naan bread or something else with it, and if not then it gives you three very generous portions.

        1. Tara R.*

          Oh my gosh, thank you so much for typing all that out!! Sounds delicious, I might make it tomorrow actually!

      2. GoryDetails*

        “It is creamy spinach curry with crispy tofu and it’s in Jackfruit and Blue Ginger by Sasha Gill.”

        That sounds really good! I did some Googling and the recipe is also in Gill’s East Meets Vegan – I don’t know if that’s an alternate title for the same book or a different collection, but it looks to be more readily available in the US fwiw.

        1. Lena Clare*

          Ooo I just googled it too and although the cover is different it sounds like it’s the same book, but for US audiences ! I cannot recommend it enough, it is so full of delicious Asian recipes!

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      In case you haven’t tried this, one way to elevate your iron intake is to use a cast iron skillet, with some iron taken up by the food you cook in it. While it’s not a cure-all, it can definitely help.

      1. Tara R.*

        Thank you! I had heard this but kind of figured cast iron would be super pricey, but I just checked Amazon and it looks like there are decent-looking ones for $30ish CAD. I might splurge soon, although it’s funny because I just bought one of those iron fish that you add to boiling water yesterday!

        Between supplements and random cookware and trying to add spinach and red meat to my diet, this iron deficiency business is getting expensive. D:

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Be careful with cast iron cookware if you have a flat top stove, it’s really easy to accidentally do damage.

          1. Parenthetically*

            See, I’ve heard this a lot, but I’ve been using my cast iron on my glass-top stove for well over a decade and haven’t had any issues!

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Check out thrift shops and garage sales. You might get lucky.

          Also: steak, sautee’d spinach, and molasses-heavy desserts.

          1. teach*

            Ditto thrifts and garage sales. Lodge brand at WalMart is also classic. Really one cast iron skillet will be a lifetime use item if you care for it.

          2. WoodswomanWrites*

            Yes, I see cast iron at garage sales and thrift stores pretty regularly.

      2. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Rolled in to say this: use a cast-iron skillet. Find a grandma who can teach you how to use it, or cue up a bunch of YouTube videos on pre-seasoning, care, and use. (They will all contradict one another. Don’t worry, just take the instructions that seem to repeat the most often.)

    3. WS*

      Have you used a lucky iron fish? It’s basically a fish-shaped iron ingot and you put it in your food while it’s cooking, then remove it (you can also make iron-rich drinking water with the fish and a few drops of lemon juice but I don’t do that much). It adds iron that your body can absorb – it’s used in poor areas in Cambodia which have high rates of iron deficiency, and buying one supports the program. I don’t absorb iron from supplements very well, and it’s helped me get from “very deficient” to “just below normal” in just under a year.

      1. Tara R.*

        Mine literally got here like ten minutes ago! I’m trying to make tea with it right now.

        > buying one supports the program

        So *that’s* what buy-one-get-one means in this context. I feel less bitter about the pricing now, haha.

      2. Katefish*

        This is a timely thread, as I just got diagnosed anemic. Thanks for the recommendation! I love tea, so I hope boiling this will help. (Trying to do everything else right too, sigh.)

    4. Llellayena*

      Lentil soup! Mom found out she was iron deficient when she made lentil soup, froze it in muffin tins (disks), and found herself eating the frozen disks of lentils without bothering to defrost them! There’s probably tons of recipes out there and you can customize to what you like/can eat.

    5. Ethyl*

      Oof I’m so sorry, iron supplements suck and it’s such a long process getting your levels back up!

      How are you with liver? A nice pâté would have tons of iron plus it feels Fancy :) I do a really simple one with sauteed chicken livers, a little shallot, some thyme, toss it in the food pro with a little cognac and bob’s your iron-rich uncle.

      1. JediSquirrel*

        Normally, I just fry beef liver with bacon and onion, but your pate recipe sounds delicious. I’m going to try it!

      2. Tara R.*

        I have honestly never tried liver and I’m kind of terrified by it, but… anything’s worth trying once, right??

        1. Ethyl*

          It can be kind of an intense or maybe funky? flavor. Chicken livers are more mild than beef or calf so I’d start there. This might also be an argument for throwing in that bacon! Good luck, and if you decide to try them let us know next weekend!

          Trying to get your iron levels up sucks so bad, I really wish you luck. It took me months and I wasn’t even terribly low. <3

    6. Grandma Mazur*

      Not sure if it’s available where you are but Spatone is iron-rich mineral water from Wales that you drink with orange juice. Was recommended to me when I was slightly anaemic…

      1. Tara R.*

        Looks like it is available in Canada in some places, I’ll have to look out for it!

    7. Agnodike*

      Dried fruit has a surprising amount of iron (and sugar, which is the downside, but also fibre, so can help with the iron supplement constipation!). You can make a trail mix from iron-fortified cereal, your favourite dried fruit, and some nuts for a higher-iron snack. Also I’m sure your doctor told you this, but vitamin C enhances absorption, so taking your iron supplement with orange juice or lemon water, adding berries to a green salad topped with hard-boiled eggs, or putting fresh chimichurri on your steak can all help.

      1. Tara R.*

        Mmmmm I love trail mix. Dried cranberries and dark chocolate is one of my ultimate weaknesses.

        I usually take my supplement with a Vitamin C pill, but maybe I should just buy actual orange juice. I hate drinking my calories in general but a few sips of juice won’t hurt anyone. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

        Also maybe TMI but I have had zero constipation problems with the supplements?? I’m taking a generic of the more expensive ones, and I haven’t had any stomach upset at all, so nothing to complain about except the price I guess!

    8. Overeducated*

      Smitten Kitchen’s spinach and chickpeas! It’s an under 30 minute pantry meal (I use frozen spinach) and it’s fine hot or at room temperature. There’s also a recipe from the Kitchn for a spinach and chickpea curry with coconut milk, which has the same main ingredients but different seasonings. (Avoiding links here, but I just Google them every time myself….)

      1. Tara R.*

        OMG just googled them, that sounds so good!! Definitely going in the rotation :D

    9. legalchef*

      Supposedly watermelon has a high iron content for fruit; now is a good time of year for it too

    10. Not really a waitress*

      My mom was a registered dietician. When I was pregnant and taking the prenatals with iron, she recommended i take the pills with oj. She explained how non-heme (not meat) iron sources should be paired with vitamin C for better absorbtion. This is my 1st piece of advice to oregnant friends because the difference was instantly noticeable So be sure to have some vitamin c,, fruit , juice, etc, with your urin source.

      Ine of my favorite sumner recipes is a spinach salad with red pepper and mandarin iranges in honey mustard dressing.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        take the pills with oj

        I’ve mixed a spoonful of molasses with my morning orange juice. It’s an acquired taste, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

        1. Ethyl*

          Blackstrap molasses is chock full of good stuff! Thanks for reminding me to grab a jar :)

    12. Trixie*

      I remember reading about “Lucky Iron Fish” in O Magazine or maybe Real Simple. Similar to cast iron skillet as far as adding to dishes to infuse the water/liquid. Plus the company donates one iron fish for every one purchased.

    13. Koala dreams*

      Great idea for a discussion! I tend to get recurring periods of low iron, so I’ll read the comments. I also love the idea of the Lucky Iron Fish in the comments!

      Dessert:
      Orange and hazelnuts. Slice the orange, add the hazelnuts (I use a mortar to make them smaller, but you can also buy pre-sliced or just add whole hazelnuts) and maybe some sugar.

      Sauces:
      White sauce with canned clams and cauliflower. Use water instead of milk for the sauce. The sauce will actually be greenish when you finish, but it tastes great anyways!
      Fried chicken liver with bamboo shoots and soy sauce. (I prefer to buy chicken liver since it’s the cheapest liver where I shop). You can make a pie shell separately and put the liver stew in it. Liver always explode in my microwave, but you can reheat it in a frying pan or in the oven. Add salad or fruit for a more balanced meal.

      Spinach:
      Sri Lankan Red Lentil Curry with Spinach. I don’t have a recipe at hand, but you can find a lentil curry receipe online and just add a packet of spinach (200 g) when the lentils are getting soft. It’s fine to buy a pre-mixed curry spice mix if you can’t afford all the different spices (I don’t). Can be reheated in the microwave or in a pot.

      1. Tara R.*

        Mmm all of this sounds good!! Lots of curry recommendations in here which are great, it’s something I love eating out but have never made myself, so this is a good reason to try!

        1. Ethyl*

          If you’re interested in a great Indian cookbook, I can highly recommend 660 Curries!

    14. dealing with dragons*

      If you want simple, my go to is a spinach salad with some kind of citrus. Put what you like on it – the vitamin c helps you absorb the spinach’s iron.

      I also take a multivitamin with vitamin c and when I was anemic took it with the iron pills.

      I would also add a small amount of red meat to your diet if you haven’t already. It really does not need to be a lot (1 serving is about the size of a pack of cards).

    15. blackcat*

      If you are picky, and want something really lazy to supplement other meals, there are these frozen things by Dr. Prager called Spinach Littles. They are for designed kids, but I eat them. They cook in 2 minutes in the microwave. I use them as a fast way to add a bit of extra iron to my diet.

    16. stardust*

      Pancakes or French Toast with Molasses; or anything with molasses; Spinach and strawberry salads;

    17. No Green No Haze*

      I’ve got an elderly Cooking Light (RIP) recipe that is iron-tastic; Google “Cooking Light Chinese Hot Pot of Beef and Vegetables” and you’ll get there.

    18. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I’m on iron supplements (yes ferritin was at@5 at one point… so hear you). I was also told to take vitamin c/ have vitamin c items (orange juice, for example) with the iron supplements, to help with the absorption. I take iron (and, well, it’s a special one with a senna/dulcolax kind of component, because iron is constipating).

      I saute spinach in the cast iron skillet; and make scrambled eggs with it. Sometimes adding sun dried tomatoes. (this is easy to wrap in a tortilla with salsa too). You can also saute the spinach and bake egg cups (egg like muffins). Or add it into other dishes.

      I actually like liver (not overcooked, and yes, I like it dredged in flour, cooked with bacon and caramelized onions), shellfish (all kinds), quinoa (I cook as a side dish with mushrooms, they have Vit D – food network recipe), and turkey (I use this as lunch – baked turkey breast, sliced ). And red meat about 2x a week.

      I’m still struggling with the iron but not quite as bad.

    19. CatCat*

      Smoked oysters are high in iron. They’re good on crackers, good with a little cream cheese, and also just good straight out of the can. They’re my go-to when I get my period.

    20. Una*

      Not a specific recipe, but potatoes have a decent amount of iron, so I’ve been replacing other carbs in meals with potatoes. For another curry suggestion, look up palak aloo – a spinach and potato curry. Tasty on its own or as a side! And for other curries you find with dairy, I cook lots of curries and just substitute in coconut milk if it calls for cream, and firm tofu if it calls for paneer.

      On another note, if you can find French green lentils (Lentils de Puy), they are tasty and hold their shape much better than other lentils. I like to cook them with mirepoix, bay leaf and vegetable stock, then mix with sautéed mushrooms and onions.

    21. Phoenix Programmer*

      Chocolate has a lot of iron. Enjoy the powder or dark varieties do low dairy.

  8. Anon for love*

    A weird question about dating.

    I’m middle-aged and single. I’m also fortunate enough to be wealthy (thanks, tech start-up). I worry that someone might want to date me for my money, or that finding out about my money might change someone’s opinion of me.

    I don’t talk about the money. I now have a normal job working for a not-for-profit, and I’m very restrained in my spending. However, I have a nice house in a high CoL area, and there’s obviously a point at which people realise that there must be something going on. Even relatively small things like saying I’d like to do a Masters degree and then people saying ‘that’s going to be pricey, can you afford it?’ I feel I have to make something up about doing it part-time and working alongside etc etc.

    Am I Paranoid, or justifiably cautious about being someone’s meal ticket for life?

    Have other people dealt with similar Issues?

    1. Anona*

      I’d treat it like anything else that’s sensitive, dating wise. I wouldn’t talk about it at first, but would bring it up after I’d decided the person was trustworthy. Like maybe don’t go to fancy restaurants at first, do fun non expensive outdoor activities, like going for a picnic in the park. Maybe also look for people who are established in their own careers and seem stable, where you can tell they’re doing well (have a steady job, seem to pay their bills, aren’t flashy).

      There are definitely people who would be after you solely for money if they knew it right away. But there are plenty of people who it will just be a nice plus for. It’ll be easier to tell who’s who if you wait until your relationship is more established to share details (like I maybe would wait to talk about being in a former tech startup).

      1. Anona*

        Also, if you make a dating profile, I’d lead with working at a nonprofit. That doesn’t scream money, and should screen out a lot of people on the front end.

        1. Anon for Love*

          Yeah, thinking of it like any other sensitive issue is a good one.
          And maybe coming up with some line like “yeah, I think my savings will cover it if I keep an eye on how much I’m spending”.
          I don’t like to say where I work straight up as some people have Opinions about it, but I can say something about the general vibe.

          1. valentine*

            The love con still goes on.

            When people pry into your finances, say, “I’m sure it’ll all work out” or “When have you known me to be rash?”

            2. Traffic_Spiral*

              TBH, “When have you known me to be rash” would be a huge red flag. Answering a question with a question, and also playing a “if you look into this further, you’re saying you don’t trust me” game are pretty standard con artist techniques. Also “I’m sure it’ll all work out” can come across as “I’m irresponsible and assume someone else will fix my bad decisions.”

              1. Gaia*

                Okay but prying into someone’s finances before you’ve known them long enough to know they made a killing at a tech startup is also pretty red flag con artist signaling stuff.

                I think a simple “oh yea, I’ve been planning on it” in response to a question about affording a Masters. I would take that to mean you’ve been thinking about it and saved for it. But I also wouldn’t pry because your money is not my business early in a relationship. Down the road if things get serious, I do think there should be honest conversations about money but in the first several dates? No, not my business.

                1. Traffic_Spiral*

                  Well, yes to your first point, but “when’s it appropriate to ask about finances” is a separate issue from “what are standard conmen answers to questions.” A simple “I live within my means,” or “well, I’ve been fortunate enough to be gainfully employed and not have any serious emergencies,” can easily express “I’m financially responsible enough to be an adult” without setting off any manipulation flags.

    2. Dan*

      I don’t think you’re paranoid. You don’t say anything about gender roles, but I’m a straight male… and IMHO there’s still cultural expectations that men will provide for spouse/family. I’ve dated people in different socio-economic circumstances than me, and I’ll be honest, while I’m not rich, I make a solid middle class income, and I do try to feel people out to see what kind of financial expectations they have of their partner. In my case, I grew up pretty broke and paid my own way through two degrees (who am I kidding, I’m still paying), so I want to enjoy my own fruits of my labor. I just don’t have any desire to support a stay at home spouse, and anybody who wants to get on that train has to quickly find another one. Least people think I’m imagining things, there are many people who still thing a man could/should provide. Some have told me so in as many words.

      As for you, I gotta be honest… this is going to be super tricky to navigate. I hate it when people don’t play straight with me about money, and I’ll break up with them over it. But you also don’t want to wear your money on your sleeve, so to speak. I think in the early phases of dating, you can duck questions and perhaps tell a few fibs, but if you outright lie, there’s going to be hell to pay later. By that, I mean I think you can get away with saying something like “I bought it as a foreclosure” or “I bought in a down market” or something like that. But if you told me a big enough lie, that sets the “trust” part of the relationship off on the wrong foot.

      1. Anon for Love*

        Thanks for the reassurance!

        Yeah, being subtle without lying is going to be the key – and maybe not making a big deal of it if I do mention it.

      2. German Girl*

        About the house you can probably say something like “It was a lucky find.” “I got a good deal.” or something like that without lying (because you wouldn’t have bought it if it was overpriced, would you?).

        About the Masters degree, say “I’m pretty restraint in my spending so I’ve got some savings that’ll probably last me through the degree.” – true because if you weren’t so restraint, you’d have spent your money, and it’ll only probably be enough because you never know …

      3. Clever Name*

        Good point. I want to note that people who aren’t interested in money tend to not talk about it. Like it’s not something that’s in the forefront of their mind, so they don’t bring it up. They don’t talk about being broke, and they also don’t brag about buying fancy things. I think it’s actually pretty rude to ask someone you barely know how they could afford their house (or car or whatever). Like, it’s none of their business. I’d be wary of someone who seems to focus on how you can afford such nice things.

      4. SMG*

        I think it’s interesting to bring gender into this, because I’m on the opposite end of this spectrum, in one way. I’m a mainly straight identifying lady but more interested in playing the breadwinner role than the stay at home role (since I travel a bunch for my contact work) also partially because I had an awesome stay at home dad.

        I’d consider, if you’re worried about falling into culturally patriarchal gender roles where the more masculine partner supports the more feminine partner, to think about dating maybe outside your comfort zone of traditionally femme cis women.

        If that applies to you. If you’re going to reject part of the patriarchy that doesn’t work for you (men support women as bread makers), might as well consider questioning the entire structure.

    3. AnonToReply*

      This can be a tricky one – I second the suggestions about getting to know people first and not telling outright lies about things – and if someone is asking you a lot of questions about money in the early stages that’s a flag in and of itself. Cultural norms and expectations are a big one too. It’s a tricky line to balance – I once had a relationship end up with person in a v high potential earning career, he sat me down and earnestly explained that I just wasn’t ever going to be pulling my own weight financially in the relationship. I’m working in a low paying, v personally rewarding career (similar to yourself and the not for profit), but I’m also stealth wealthy and manage that as well. I’d honestly never thought to mention it to this guy, and he’d made a lot of assumptions about me and what I could contribute to a balance sheet (I’m sooooo better off without him). So i suggest getting to know people carefully without making assumptions; but red flags I look out for would be substance dependency, gambling and carrying large amounts of credit card debt and a hankering in someone for things they perceive as ‘luxury’, for material things they think they deserve, being easily influenced by Instagram influencers or celeb endorsements. Do pay attention to their financial decisions (eg what they are buying on credit, do they make investment purchases impulsively, etc). Also – seek out places like campaigning groups where you might meet others more interested in making the world a better place than in your bank balance. Failing that – there’s always local cultural institutions ‘friends of’ groups – you might meet a wide range of people there from all income levels, all more interested in talking about the latest exhibition or play rather than checking you out as a meal ticket. Good luck.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        If someone is asking you a lot of questions about money in the early stages that’s a flag in and of itself.

        This is a good point–money is something that might arise naturally if you are planning a trip together, where everyone’s idea of “a nice hotel at a fair price” needs to be hashed out with some explicit numbers–but in the early months of a relationship “so… how do you afford that house/car/trip” would strike me as a red flag. (Where I live I tend to assume family money for people whose jobs do not match their house–but Not My Business and I have never directly asked anyone.)

        1. Anon for Love*

          Yes, you’re right that if there’s no reason to be talking about money, it could be a red flag.

          I think people ask me occasional questions because they’re hoping I can tell them how I do things on a not-for-profit salary – and when it comes to cheap opera tickets and designer thrift-shopping, I totally can!

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      1. Date within your own age and social class. There might be a few middle-aged women looking for a sugar Daddy, but by and large, they will have their act together and be just looking for someone to date. If you’re trying for women significantly younger than you, then yes, money is going to be a big reason they’d date you rather than someone their own age. Also, meet your women in places that financially stable people tend to congregate. Be polite, friendly and charming to the wives of your equally-wealthy friends, and they’ll set you up with their single girlfriends (who will all be ‘financially comfortable’).

      2. Don’t get too paranoid about it. Most men dated for their money are intentionally in that situation. They wanted someone hot and young in a relationship that they didn’t have to put a lot of time, emotional effort, or charm into, so they made their offer really clear up front. There aren’t hordes of women out there hunting to find a millionaire in disguise for a relationship that might pay off after a few years’ of dating.

      3. Put effort into all the other things you have going for you, other than your money. Dress nice. Stay fit. Get a good haircut. Pay attention to your skin and dental hygiene. Be pleasant company.

      1. ainomiaka*

        yes so much on number 3. Having been a younger woman on online dating years ago, there was nothing more annoying than men with requirements like “must be 15 years younger than me, hot, into a balding dude with potbelly, oh yeah, and not after my money.” Figure out and focus on what else you are willing to bring to the relationship and you will get more people looking for that. You do have to make your partner’s world better in some way, but that way doesn’t have to be financial.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Even if they have NO money, this seems to be the current standard among men above a certain age on dating sites. They’re either looking for a trophy or a caretaker, or a trophy caretaker. :P

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, I know some guys (and it does tend to be guys) who are like “well, she can’t like me for my money.” And I’m like, “great, what do you have going for you other than your money?” and they’re like “um… fluent in sarcasm?”

          1. Curlz*

            It’s sadly ironic that becoming wealthy is often presented to teen and 20-something guys as a means of attracting women. I’ve read some articles about investing and money management aimed at young men that basically say “hot women like rich men, so if you want to have all the sexiest women, use our budgeting system/buy our investing book!” Pretty cruel to then turn around and say “beware of people who are attracted to you for your money!” Well, which is it? Is money meant to be an attractant or not?

            (Yes, guys can be gold diggers as well, but I’ve never seen financial advice marketed to women as a means of making themselves more attractive.)

            1. Ainomiaka*

              To me it’s less of a contradiction and more dudes that have never really interacted with women as people outside of those guides.

      2. Ra94*

        This is excellent advice! Also, focus on where you’re meeting people and which apps you’re using. Online dating is definitely the way to go; if you were trying to meet people in bars, for example, you’d probably be less likely to meet women your own age and more likely to come across people after your money.
        Also, there’s no way you can totally avoid the possibility of someone dating you for your money, just as there’s no way to 100% avoid a cheater, or a habitual liar, or any other dating bad behavior. Be wary at first, and then at a certain point, you have to trust that the person with you loves you for you.

      3. Jana*

        This is all good advice. OP, there’s no reason to discuss your financial situation early on, so I think it may be less of an issue than you’re dreading. That said, focusing on making connections with people who are in your age bracket and who share your interests is likely to mean you’ll end up building a relationship with someone who isn’t after your money.

    5. Overeducated*

      I agree with other posters that you shouldn’t lead with it, but people may just make the most common assumption about your house: family money. Substantial down payment or purchase help in a high COL city once at a young age can really boost someone’s lifestyle in the long term, I know multiple people at my age and income level on their third house while I’m still working on saving for my first because the first “small cheap home” was a graduation or wedding gift (that has appreciated substantially over several years). If you’re cool with that assumption, you may not have to mention anything until you actually get serious.

      1. Jack Russell Terrier*

        Yes – this is me. I have a lovely condo in high COL area the I own outright because I had a substantial nest egg from my parents. I don’t pull in a huge amount of money and I don’t spend on shiny things but because my monthly outgoings aren’t high I manage to live very pleasantly.

    6. Clever Name*

      I think like everything else in dating, you’ll have to judge the other person’s character. I’m in a similar position as you. Middle-aged, live in a nice house in a high COL area (thanks divorce!), parents paid for college, and I had an upper-class upbringing. It’s honestly been liberating to be able to date knowing I can fully support myself and not have to look to partners to take care of me financially.

      When I first started dating my boyfriend, I paid close attention to his behavior and what his friends said about him. His financial position isn’t great, but he fully supports himself with no credit card debt. He is consistent and honest, and his actions match his words. And his friends absolutely gushed about him. And they are right. He is an amazing person and I’m so so lucky. And if I were only looking at his income/bank account, I would never had dated him.

      So I guess what I’m saying is that you’re in a great position, but also be wary. I didn’t talk about my job a whole ton in the beginning (I’m a scientist working in consulting) and I didn’t talk about my family belonging to a country club or being a debutante. Get to know people slowly and let them show you who they are. People who are interested in money tend to focus on external appearances and things. They like status items (like certain watches or handbags) and seem to care a lot about what other people think of them. I am not at all saying having an iWatch or a Kate spade handbag makes you a bad person. It’s the overall package and their pattern of behavior.

      1. Dan*

        “I am not at all saying having an iWatch or a Kate spade handbag makes you a bad person. It’s the overall package and their pattern of behavior.”

        It’s like I used to tell my ex, “We can have a few of the things we want, but we can’t have all of them.” Folks on this board know that I do a fair amount of travel. Sure, in American society, we hold foreign travel to be “exotic” (and presumably expensive.) While I have ways of reducing direct costs (frequent flyer miles FTW!) the other realities are that I have a modest apartment and never owned a car I paid more than $15k for. I also don’t get the latest and greatest tech gadgets the day they come out.

        If OP “has a few nice things” but not tons of them, that goes a long way to sending *his* message too… the house alone won’t raise eyebrows. But if he’s got a nice house, a nice car, a rolex, an Armani suit… he’s going to have a tougher time hiding his wealth.

        1. Anon for Love*

          Yes, very interesting. The thing that made me realise how prickly I am was someone commenting on an art work on my wall.

          But as you say, it’s probably also fairly obvious that I’m restrained in how I spend money, and that that’s not likely to change.

    7. Gram's girl*

      I am a widow and am retired. I am financially secure thanks to my husband’s life insurance being invested wisely but I am trying to live on Social Security (his Survior benefit) and the required minimum distribution from his 401(k). In a few years I will have to take my own required minimums which will boost my income and I my also sell my house which has a good amount of equity.
      I learn early in my widowhood to be very careful about disclosing my financial situation. I not an “glamorous” woman and appeared to be someone of modest means. Around the start of the financial crisis ten years ago. I was with a group of people discussing the latest money news and I mention that my investment advisor had passed on some useful info. The man sitting next to me, who had been ignoring me, swiveled toward me so fast I thought his head might snap off and was mighty interested the rest of the evening. The look in his eyes said “Financial advisor = lots of loot”. I recognized that he was playing me and decided he would never get a chance to go further.

      I’ve heard enough stories about lonely people taken for a financial ride to be very cautious. I keep my finances to myself.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Smart move. Some people are looking for “a nurse or a purse” or both.
        If someone asks a personal finance question, give a short, vague answer and immediately ask a question of them to gain control of the conversation. Don’t babble about your finances to anyone, because once you reveal what you have, the whole world knows whether you’re poor or rich.

    8. CatMom*

      I’ll preface this by saying that this is not how I have approached dating, and while I do make an awful lot more than your average millennial (and much more than my partner), I’m not wealthy per se.

      But some of my relatives are very wealthy – wealthy enough to never have worked and to never need to work. The way they have approached dating and marriage is to limit themselves to partners who have wealth roughly equivalent to their own. It cuts off your options significantly, but it does ensure that whoever you end up with isn’t going to be dating you just for your money or see you differently because of your wealth.

      Again, this isn’t the approach that most people will want to take, and you may not want to either. But it seems to have worked out for the most part for my relatives, nearly all of whom are (seemingly very) happily married.

      1. Curlz*

        “The way they have approached dating and marriage is to limit themselves to partners who have wealth roughly equivalent to their own. It cuts off your options significantly, but it does ensure that whoever you end up with isn’t going to be dating you just for your money or see you differently because of your wealth.”

        I realize you’re not talking about yourself here, but I find this viewpoint soooo hypocritical. If someone only dates people who are as rich as they are, how is that not seeing someone differently because of their wealth? The assumption is not only that the risk of poorer people being out to get you is high, so stick with the rich and you’ll be safe, but also that, hey, if you marry another rich person, you get double rich. And if their goal is not to lose any money, then dating another rich person *is* dating them for their money, except the goal is to make a dollar-for-dollar match instead of just getting an upgrade.

        It reminds me of historical merchants and noblemen – “Sure, we’ll let you marry for love, as long as their family has a minimum of $____.”

        1. Jasnah*

          I think the idea is not just “don’t judge people by their wealth” but people who have similar values and habits regarding money are going to be a safer match. There’s also the class/socioeconomic status that often comes with wealth. See fictional stories like Pride & Prejudice and Crazy Rich Asians–both had to grapple with the “is [poorer person] a gold digger?”/”does [richer person] really think I’m just here for the money?” And not just the two individuals involved, but the expectations of their family too.

    9. Cat*

      On the house, I think you can just be honest – you bought it due to a tech start-up windfall. I think at this point in time, folks are used to people getting some tech money, buying a house with cash, and not necessarily being wealthy other than that. The rest can come out more slowly.

      1. Clever Name*

        I know! I actually assumed the OP was a woman because it’s almost taboo for a woman to make more than her partner.

        1. Clever Name*

          I mean, be in a better financial position, at least, as OP says they have a modest job at a nonprofit

        2. Emily*

          Same! (Also because I assume the AAM readership skews female.) All of the replies had started to make me wonder if I had misread/missed something in the original post.

      2. Femme d'Afrique*

        I had the same thought, and I read the OP’s post twice and still couldn’t figure out where the assumption came from.

        Interesting, eh?

      4. TechWorker*

        There are not, but there’s also comments about gendered expectations on men of ‘providing’ and I think because OP said ‘thanks for that advice’ some (including me and possibly incorrectly) read that as agreement.

        1. Anon for Love*

          :-) I was actually going to say that I’m a bisexual woman but that I’m sure that the advice given thinking I’m a heterosexual man will also work for me. In fact, in some ways, it’s actually been more thought-provoking about the gender dynamics going on here, my assumptions and my own insecurities.

          1. Gaia*

            It is actually still very relevant advice. On on hand you have to be concerned about men that will try to use you for your money. On the other end of the spectrum there are men that will be very Not Okay with you having more money than they do. Both ends of the spectrum suck. Stick to the middle, that is where the good folks are (and there are lots of them there!)

      5. Gaia*

        I was just thinking the same thing. I actually assumed the OP was female and was confused by the comments.

    11. Anon For This*

      Been there! Not exactly the same situation, but similar. You are absolutely not being paranoid. There are a lot of people looking for meal tickets (and other kinds of free rides), and it can be hard to tell at first.

      I wish I had a solution. I’m still figuring some of this out. But, basically, it helps to be open about the situation but not too open. And to present it as, “I’m successful,” and (stating the obvious) downplay the financial side without hiding it. And socialize with people who are equally successful or just really stable and happy with what they have. People who are emotionally secure and self sufficient as functioning adults (doing things for themselves instead of relying on friends or family a lot). Emphasize the intellectual side of your accomplishments and how much work went into it. Even if you were in a pretty standard role and just got lucky with your company stock, you probably had to go the extra mile to help make the company successful at some point, so talk about that.

      When I was younger, I wanted to be with someone who’d had fewer options in life because I wanted to share what I had. I think that can work. In my case, I attracted people with the wrong kinds of motives.

      I tried keeping things a secret until after I started dating someone. Then I got a lot of negging – their sense of the power dynamics changed, accurately or not, and they tried to cut me down constantly and harm my reputation so I’d stay.

      I tried not telling people at all. But people picked up on something being odd and invented their own explanations.

      There was also a time when circumstances made it seem like I had a lot more money than I really did and people were not aware of the reason behind it.

      These days, I’m open about the reason I come from a slightly different place and I act really warm and friendly while being careful about who I get closer too. I let people in slowly, and I look for people who seem unlikely to take advantage. I look for people who take responsibility for their own lives and don’t ride coattails. You can suss that out just by talking to people. Hang out with those people. They don’t have to have perfect lives, but they try to do things themselves and acknowledge their shortcomings instead of constantly asking for things and blaming anyone but themselves when things don’t go right.

      Also, ask people about their past relationships and watch out for anyone with a pattern of failed relationships with people who are better off than they are.

      I don’t know how this post will come across. I’m at a turning point right now myself, having been let down while trying to be nice, and trying to get tougher in order to protect myself. I might sound snobby or judgmental. I don’t mean to sound that way.

      I wish you well!

      1. Anon for Love*

        This has been very helpful as an irrational part of me (the non-profit working, philanthropist side) feels that I should be dating someone in difficult financial circumstances so that wealth could be more evenly distributed.
        Yeah.
        That’s what taxes are for, not my love life.

        I’m also pretty bitter about the compromises we made to get to ‘success’ – shall we say that a very values-driven start-up hit a lot of commercial ‘realities’ and I’m very conflicted about a lot of it still.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Just make it a hard-and-fast rule that you never give/loan money to an S/O (other than standard dating ‘picking up the cheque’ half the time) and never co-sign anything. If there’s nothing to be gained, the golddiggers will look elsewhere.

    12. matcha123*

      Can I toss this back at you? I’m single, in my 30s and come from a low-income background. I have a bachelors from a Well-Known and Highly-Ranked university, but due to family issues have basically no savings and a job that doesn’t pay well. I am not looking for, nor do I want a man to “take care of me”. But most men who have attended similar universities and were raised in similar cities come from upper-middle class backgrounds.
      How do I show someone like that that I am not dating them for money? Aside from suggesting cheap places to eat and insisting on splitting the bill, what can someone in my position do? People with more money want to date people in similar income brackets, which is their right. Most of my peers came from well-off families and yet growing up I was expected to pay for things since I had a job…

    13. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Well, people can be not wealthy, but live in a nice house they inherited, so that’s not necessarily a sign.

      Money is a curse. I witnessed my late housemate get milked by toyboys… it was a bit sad to watch even he knew he was being milked he still fell for it every time.

    14. Alexandra Lynch*

      My second relationship is one across economic classes, because I have chronic issues that keep me from holding down a job outside the home. It works for us because he likes having a housewife person, and his food issues mean that he really does need someone to be a personal chef for him, because he can’t eat safely AND hold down a fulltime job. If you don’t want to have someone doing housewife stuff, make that clear; look for someone who likes to work and has a decent career all on their own. I made it clear when I was dating that I won’t be bringing in a check, but we’ve found that I give value for the money.

    15. Anon for Love*

      Thanks everyone – I really appreciated the range of perspectives and ideas on this, and I’ll take some time to reflect on them.

    16. Batgirl*

      Based on the anecdata of some friends who want to be the supported partner, and others who absolutely don’t; I think it’s pretty easy to deter the first group by:
      – Emphasising non-materialistic things like making a picnic date over an expensive restaurant.
      – Split the bill. The people who don’t like this, and who are looking for financial support, will self select out.
      – Be generous in other ways, to avoid being generous with money. The second group of people will actually prefer generosity of time and attention over money.
      – Don’t discuss specifics about money with people you don’t know well. Not your financial situation anyway.
      – Do discuss preferred roles and expectations. A wanting-to-be supported person will usually be very upfront about what else they have to offer, so speak up and avoid wasting each other’s time.

      1. jolene*

        I only very gradually realised that my ex and his family were extremely rich. He lived sensibly, had a non-flashy place, and I have never been intent on marrying a rich man so I didn’t spot some indications along the way. But from what he and my husband have said about dating, the women who they spotted as being gold-diggers were very, very upfront about it. They would ask where the men holidayed, if they owned or rented, check out their watches, ask to be taken to expensive restaurants, make it clear that they expect the man to pay on dates because they had spent a lot of money on hair, nails, grooming, clothes.

        I know you’re a woman but this may be useful to you, so I offer it FWIW!

  9. Summer*

    What does everyone think about the hoo-ha over the Little Mermaid casting?

    Personally I just wish they’d stop these ‘live action remakes’ altogether (and really, can the new lion king movie even be called live action?) but so long as they’re raking in the money they’re gonna keep draining that well.

    1. Lena Clare*

      I think Halle Bailey is perfect as Ariel, people who are going on about her being the wrong casting because “mermaids aren’t black because the sun doesnt get far under water and so they wouldn’t have melatoninin their skin” (heavy eye roll so much I gave myself a migraine) are being racist, and I’m looking forward to seeing it!

      1. In Real Life My Shell Bra Hurts!*

        Wow, I hadn’t even heard about this “debate ” Do these people watch the animated version and get upset because in real life Ariel’s long red hair would get flat and drippy underwater? Or do they point out that crabs and other undersea creatures don’t actually have bands and put on large musical numbers? Or, you know, speaking purely scientifically . . . that mermaids can’t possibly have light skin because mermaids don’t actually exist?

        2. Observer*

          LOL

          Or, you know, speaking purely scientifically . . . that mermaids can’t possibly have light skin because mermaids don’t actually exist?

          I hadn’t heard of this “controversy”, but this was my first thought when I read this post. People are SERIOUSLY weird!

      2. Ola*

        Are you actually familiar with her work or just virtue signalling? So far I haven’t found any comment on /why/ she’d be such a good choice outside of ‘representation!’.

        1. ThatGirl*

          She has an amazing voice, and anyway, most people objecting are saying nothing about her specifically and are focused on her skin color.

        2. Homo neanderthalensis*

          If you haven’t found any comments on why she’s a good choice I deeply question where you’re looking for them because those comments on her high suitability are everywhere. Also the term “virtue signaling” is often used by the alt-right.

          1. Ola*

            Pretty much all the comments on Twitter are just about how little girls with her skin colour can relate.

              1. Lana Kane*

                I get the heebie jeebies from anyone who busts out the “virtue signalling” argument.

                1. Ethyl*

                  Same. It’s like when A Man wants to play “devil’s advocate” or “likes debating” — automatic nope on out of there.

        3. Parenthetically*

          *eyeroll*

          “virtue signalling” = caring about something I’ve decided you shouldn’t care about

        4. Parenthetically*

          Also, why the fk isn’t representation a good enough reason? FORTY NINE Disney movies had white female leads prior to Tiana. Why isn’t it okay to say, “You know what? How bout we give women with other colors of skin a little screen time now? So little black and brown girls can see themselves on screen as heroines, just for a change?” Why isn’t that enough of a reason? Are white people the default setting?

          1. Ola*

            If that’s the only reason then it’s a casting decision based solely on appearance. If that’s good enough for you then so be it but don’t pretend like you’re a good person for it.

            1. Ethyl*

              I think you know damn well that “representation” and “casting decisions based on appearance” aren’t the same thing. Quit being racist all over the open thread.

            3. Parenthetically*

              Tell you what, when there have been 49 black Disney princesses in a row, get back to me.

              Also, have a look in the mirror and ask yourself why your immediate assumption was that a black woman in a particular role couldn’t POSSIBLY have been cast for her unique talent and overall fit for the role, but that she MUST have been cast SOLELY for her skin color. Hint: it’s not because you’re color-blind.

              1. Washed Out Data Analyst*

                I “love” how the minute there is a [insert non-majority demographic] in any sort of role, people immediately jump to “they ONLY got cast because of their race/affirmative action!” and start questioning the validity of the decision, even if that person is the only minority in the whole group. But if a white person is in the role, no one ever questions if they benefitted from being white.

                1. Parenthetically*

                  And yet those same people somehow are never quite as outraged by Christian Bale, Joel Edgerton, and Sigourney Weaver playing historical and/or Biblical Middle Eastern/Egyptian people. Or Ben Affleck playing a still-living man of Mexican descent. Or Mena Suvari playing a still-living black woman.

                  That’s not even COUNTING the zillions of white actors cast to play purely fictional characters who are POC in the source material — anime, comic book, and video game adaptations are RIFE with these.

            4. Washed Out Data Analyst*

              I bet that you don’t question why white actors get cast for roles the same way you’re doing for black actors.

        5. Kathenus*

          OK, I’ll pretend this is a legitimate question. Since Chloe x Halle received two 2019 Grammy nominations, I think that she has the bona fides to be a great choice. And feel free to go to You Tube to see their performance on the Grammy Awards this year, that’s when I first saw her. She and her sister are amazing.

        6. Observer*

          I’m not familiar with her work, but nor am I virtue signalling. Here is the thing – ANY argument that tries to claim scientific backing for depictions of MERMAIDS is sheer, utter garbage.

      3. Agnodike*

        I love when people try to use logic to explain their prejudices, especially when it’s real-world logic in a fantasy setting. She’s a mermaid! Maybe it’s not melanin that makes her skin dark brown; maybe it’s some other kind of compound that’s unique to mermaid skin and helps mermaids blend in when they want to hide in the ocean depths to avoid being eaten by sharks or captured by sea witches! We can make up anything we want because, you know, mermaids aren’t real!

        1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

          The mermaids in Harry Potter, that live in the cold lakes of the northern UK, have gray skin, green hair, yellow eyes and yellow teeth, and screech-owl voices. So there isn’t even a “unified mermaid logic” among fantasy worlds to work from!

          1. Marmaduke*

            I have to say that would be a very interesting direction for Disney to take with the remake…

        2. tangerineRose*

          Maybe some mermaids hang out near the surface of the water and need more protection.

        3. Jemima Bond*

          Well exactly. I mean it would make sense in a lot of ways for there to be all sorts of colours of mermaid like there are all sorts of colours of fish. Just because cartoon Ariel is a clownfish-type mermaid (orangey red and white) doesn’t mean a different mermaid might be all caramel-gold speckled with brown, like a brown trout. I’m no marine biologist but I’m pretty sure marine life covers all the spectrum!
          Also being faithful to the original is nonsense – that ship sailed with the cartoon version where walking on her human feet isn’t as painful as walking on the points of knives, and the prince doesn’t go off with someone else and the mermaid dies rendering the whole thing sad and pointless.
          Also – and this has always bothered me – the name Ariel (a Disney thing not an original thing) is jarring as in the U.K. Ariel has long been a popular brand of laundry detergent. I think it’s like if you had a mermaid called Tide.

          2. fhqwhgads*

            I think it’s probably more like a mermaid named Dawn, given that Ariel has been a human-name for centuries, even if it certain locations it’s also detergent.

          3. Marmaduke*

            Speaking of the many colors of marine life, I’m still waiting for the scientific explanation for why each of Triton’s daughters had a different color of tail. Although I suppose the most obvious explanation also doubles as an explanation for his favoring the daughter whose tail matches his…

      4. Thankful for AAM*

        Lena Clare, I have not been paying attention to the details and had no idea about the sun/melatonin argument.

        How do they explain the coloring of say, killer whales or seals or any of the many other colors of sea animals?

        1. Lena Clare*

          I have no idea! They are calling it “mermaid science” which is a complete contradiction in terms, but there you go.

            2. Zephy*

              Original Ursula is also a drag queen, so I’m really looking forward to the Twitter shitstorm about that casting decision.

          2. Gaia*

            Mermaid. Science.

            FFS. Mermaids ARE. NOT. REAL.

            Unless these people are suggesting Disney should have cast an actual mermaid, they need to sit the hell down.

            Some people need hobbies, y’all.

    2. Chaordic One*

      I misread the story the first time around and I thought to myself, Halle Berry is a great actress, but isn’t she a little old for the part? Then I reread it and found out that it was Halley “Bailey” and not “Berry.” She should be fine.

      1. peanut*

        I’m glad you posted this comment because I totally misread the first comment on this post that named the actress and didn’t realize it until now. I was so perplexed because I also thought Berry was older than Disney would have wanted for the role.

        Now everything makes more sense. And for the record, I like Halle BAILEY for it. But I’m a little disappointed they aren’t using Halle Berry – definitely would have taken the movie into an interesting direction.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Me too.

          Though I would find anyone Berry’s age in the part problematic because you need a certain level of naivete and poorly thought through gumption, which is a lot more forgivable in a teenager.

      2. HR Stoolie*

        Thank you!
        I confess I was perplexed and thought the same.
        I did a quick Google of Ms. Bailey and she already wears the hair, she’ll be fine.

      3. Jemima Bond*

        …and now I have realised too. I was all for Ms Berry as a mermaid! I mean she looked fab emerging from the sea in that James Bond film…

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t give a hoot who they cast as Ariel; I was really hoping to see Queen Layifah or Keala Settle as Ursula though and Melissa McCarthy is kind of a bummer.

      2. Agnodike*

        Ursula was based on Divine and it would have been INCREDIBLE to have a drag queen in the role.

        2. Chaordic One*

          Ooh! I had never heard that before, but it makes sense and it would have been a truly inspired bit of casting to have had her (Divine) in the role.

          1. Agnodike*

            Divine died in 1988 so sadly would not have been available for this remake, but there are some amazing drag queens performing today like Ginger Minj who would have been really great. There were rumours that Tituss Burgess was being considered, too (he’s not typically a drag performer but it’s not hard to imagine him in the role!). Melissa McCarthy is great, but I’ve never seen her do an over-the-top campy role like Ursula and I’m not sure how good a fit it’s going to be for her.

            1. Chaordic One*

              Pat Carroll has always been a great character actress and she really made of the most of the part and seemed to have a good time doing so. In googling the original movie I see it was made in 1989. (30 years ago!) It doesn’t seem that long ago, but the movie has aged fairly well. Pat was 62 when she voiced the part. She doesn’t seem to have worked professionally since 2014, but she’s still living and I hope she’s well at 92.

      5. Gaia*

        I love Melissa McCarthy but I just don’t see her as Ursula. I hope I’m wrong. I wore out several VHS copies of The Little Mermaid as a kid (and can still recite the entire movie by heart) so you know I’ll be there opening night. I am so excited for Halle to play Ariel – she has a gorgeous singing voice.

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      I hate these Disney remakes, I love that racists are crying, and I legit thought they had cast Halle Berry.

    5. CTT*

      I’m also sick of the live action remakes and I never owned Little Mermaid as a kid so I don’t have any emotional connection to it, so this is a “I’m happy for the people who are excited about it” situation.

      (That said, wasn’t Sofia Coppola supposed to do a Little Mermaid? I would have watched that.)

      1. kc89*

        yeah I really wanted to see the sofia coppola little mermaid, it would have been GORGEOUS

        a bit of backstory about it, she wanted to cast Uma Thurman’s daughter (who is now on stranger things 3 by the way) but the studio insisted on Chloe Grace Moretz

        she also wanted to film the entire movie underwater and after tests they found that it just wasn’t working.

        the studio and the director had enough conflicting views that the movie was just shut down. it was also going to be more like the much darker original fairy tale, not the disney movie

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        I am still irritated about “Live Action Lion King.”

        There is not a single live animal in that movie, they are all CGI. And yes, I’m sure training lions to act would involve lots of people getting scratched and pounced on and probably multiple Timons because the first three got eaten in an outtake, but still. No actual lions = no live action.

    6. CoffeeforLife*

      Personally, I’m still trying to get over the Aladdin remake and their horrible decision of making him wear a shirt. Twelve year old me crushed so hard on that cartoon.

      Oh, and racists don’t need logic to cry foul. The story doesn’t change in a fundamental way. Her hair color/skin color played no role whatsoever in the plot.

      Just like misogynists hating on Ghostbusters casting women.

    7. Stitch*

      So tired of racist reactions to casting. Predictable but I am just so sick of it. People suck.

    8. kc89*

      I think she will be fabulous, I watched a video with her and her sister with elle magazine and the way they both sing and talk is very ethereal, they are practically disney princesses irl

    9. fhqwhgads*

      The argument against seems to be: “she does not look like the cartoon!!?!!!”
      The argument for seems to be: “She can sing; she’s an appropriate age; she is popular among the (marketing department’s) target audience; a lot of the songs are Caribbean-sounding and Sebastian is well established as a Caribbean character and it makes more sense, oceanwise, for this to take place in the Caribbean instead of water-near-Denmark, so let’s forget what the cartoon character looked like and set this in the Caribbean and have the human-looking part of the mer-people look like Caribbean humans.”

      My personal take is: this movie is going to disappoint me no matter what, just as all the live-action remakes have, so it doesn’t matter who they cast. I have no faith it’ll be any good and probably won’t watch it anyway. They fooled me into thinking Cinderella would be good and it was not. They fooled me again into thinking Beauty and the Beast, no really, this time, will be good, and it was not. I didn’t have much interest in the other live-action remakes anyway, but I’m definitely convinced by this point none of them will be good.

      1. Observer*

        The argument for seems to be: “She can sing; she’s an appropriate age; she is popular among the (marketing department’s) target audience; a lot of the songs are Caribbean-sounding and Sebastian is well established as a Caribbean character and it makes more sense, oceanwise, for this to take place in the Caribbean instead of water-near-Denmark, so let’s forget what the cartoon character looked like and set this in the Caribbean and have the human-looking part of the mer-people look like Caribbean humans.”

        If you are right about this, it’s actually a reasonable train of thought.

        And, considering that these remakes are pretty much all about marketing, this sounds highly likely to me.

        1. gwal*

          ALL movies released to theaters/DVD/VOD are about marketing to and pleasing some audience? Please don’t act like you think anything released by a studio is purely about art?

    10. Merci Dee*

      I don’t know anything about Halle Bailey (or that she was part of Chloe x Halle), until today. But I have to admit that I was totally captivated by the pic of her they put with the article. The smile she’s flashing seems to be full of so much innocence, but so much mischief at the same time. As far as I’m concerned, that’s pretty much the essence of Ariel in a nutshell. I have no doubt Halle has an amazing vocal talent, but if she can deliver on the sweetness and mischief that her smile implies, she’ll be a fabulous Little Mermaid. :)

        1. Merci Dee*

          Very full of energy and a love for excitement… that can potentially get her into a few scrapes. Quintessential Ariel.

        2. Merci Dee*

          She =totally= looks like she could smile and wrap King Triton around her little finger, and then zip off to explore a new and interesting wreck a few trenches away from home. :)

          1. Merci Dee*

            Doh! Posting fail!!

            What I meant to say was, she seems like she has a lot of energy and a love of excitement… that could lead to a few scrapes. Quintessential Ariel.

      2. blackcat*

        Yep. I never heard of her but saw a picture and I was like “Oh, looks like she can totally do the Smile Innocently and Be Pretty thing.”
        Which is like most of being a Disney princess, right? And she can sing, which means this will likely be better than the live action Beauty and the Beast (Emma Watson can smile and be pretty but she is not a good enough singer to carry that).

        1. Merci Dee*

          She =totally= looks like she could smile and wrap King Triton around her little finger, and then zip off to explore a new and interesting wreck a few trenches away from home. :)

    11. Lilysparrow*

      I haven’t heard her sing, but when I first saw her photos I thought she looked way too young, and it would be a bit creepy to see her in a romantic role.

      But those must have been older photos, because I’ve seen more recent ones since, and she’s in a fine age range for the part.

      Ariel is a mythological / fantasy being, not an historical character. Anybody who thinks race is relevant to whether she can/should play the part is just being an idiot.

      In commercial entertainment, every “artistic” decision is also a marketing decision. That’s not a bad thing, necessarily, it’s just the reality of show business.

      The original Ariel was drawn white as a marketing decision, because Disney assumed that would sell best at the time. This casting is also a marketing decision. And I’m very happy the world has changed to the point that the math works this way.

      Someday, maybe, race won’t be something that creates controversy or buzz. That would be great for society. But show business will just find something else to create buzz about.

    12. KR*

      My sister is really having some feels on Twitter about Ariel being black and I’m like…. Really?? Ariel is a made up character and there’s no reason she can’t be black. Disney changed the story so much from the original very dark mermaid story and now they’re tweaking it some more. I think the actress they chose will do a great job. Also not a huge fan of all the remakes but maleficent was AMAZING

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Yes, I’m glad you mentioned the original fairy tale.

        I mean, if everyone who was couching their racism as a concern for “authenticity” actually cared about authenticity, then okay. Let’s be authentic.

        In a truly authentic Little Mermaid, she’s being tortured the entire time she’s on land, as if she’s walking on knives.

        She can’t communicate at all and the prince assumes she’s mentally disabled. He never considers her as a romantic partner, which is actually kind of honorable because as far as he can tell, she’s incapable of mature understanding or consent.

        He marries someone else (not Ursula in disguise, a completely innocent third person). And the mermaid’s sisters show up, urging her to murder the bride & groom so she can get her tail back.

        Instead she throws herself into the ocean and becomes a disembodied spirit.

        And nobody sings or speaks English.

        3. Clisby*

          The little mermaid can’t sing because the Sea Witch cut out her tongue. She has her tongue cut out so she can walk on land (with each step feeling like she’s walking on knives) to follow this prince who pretty much treats her like a pet, never loves her, and in fact loves and marries someone else. She dies at the end, but hey! She has a shot at that immortal soul she wanted.

    13. Sparkly Lady*

      I’m not sure there really is a hoo-ha over the Little Mermaid casting. There are some random people who are complaining on the Internet–just like there are some random people who complain about literally everything. At least one viral thread was discovered to be totally fake.

      I think our definition of hoo-ha needs to be a lot higher these days than some random people complaining. I’ve seen more articles ABOUT people complaining than actual people complaining or than about the movie itself.

      I am wondering if they’re going to preserve Ariel’s red hair. It’s such an iconic part of the character. I’m seeing all these assumptions that they won’t, but I don’t see any reason why Halle Bailey can’t have red hair. Zendaya went red for MJ in Far From Home and it looks great.

      1. Observer*

        I mentioned this to someone after reading the first half of this thread, and that was they said also. So, I’m wondering how much of a todo this really is.

        But they had a REALLY good laugh at the concept of “mermaid science.” Give that troll some credit for creativity.

    14. Booksalot*

      There are a couple of Disney princesses for whom race/culture is an integral part of her story (such as Pocahontas and Merida). A woman who is half fish is not one of those characters.

    15. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My main feeling is that Disney is putting out too many things per year and their output has far exceeded my attention span, so I wasn’t even follow the fact that they were doing another Little Mermaid until this casting thing blew up everywhere. I used to look forward to specific movies, but now it just feels like an overwhelming number of movies in each “niche” is coming out each year and I give up and am going to stay home and read a book instead.

      To be fair, this has a lot more to do with feeling overwhelmed by Too Many Marvel Movies, with a side of Too Many Star Wars Movies than it does with the Disney princess/classic cartoon live-action remakes just because I really am not interested in those to start with. The only Disney cartoon I really got into as a kid was Winnie the Pooh, and I had zero interest in the live action one they threw together a while back. If they decided to re-do the Prydain books as a series of live action movies instead of just the animated Black Cauldron I’d keep an eye on that, but outside of that my favorite childhood things were either mostly non-Disney or weird, unlikely to get a live action remake duds from Disney. (Fluppy Dogs! I would totally watch a darker, edgier CGI Fluppy Dogs. That would actually work reasonably well with the setting and I think it could work well as a longer movie if they included more time spent on the non-Earth sections.)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Thanks to the way they’ve done the Marvel movies (like, with actual thought behind it), I love them so much I literally don’t care how many they put out. Give me MOAR!
        #nerd

        But I get you. It’s a lot. So I basically chose one fandom to devote myself to, instead of trying to stan them all.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      I think the hoo-ha is racist bullshit, frankly. As far as the film, I have no real interest in it, since I’m not really a huge Disney fan, so whoever they cast, I probably won’t see it anyway. Although Melissa McCarthy would make a fun Ursula.

    17. Ginger ale for all*

      It reminds me of all the arguing amongst Jane Austen fans about which film version is the best version of Pride and Prejudice. It gets downright silly. Why can’t we have more than one directors vision and interpretation of the story? Each time another person shares their version of it, we are all enriched.

      1. Ethyl*

        This is why I kind of love the way Douglas Adams handled this — every iteration of Hitchhiker’s Guide was explicitly meant to be slightly different, they were not supposed to be telling the same story at all.

  10. I don’t actually like cats*

    My partner *loves* cats. As soon our living situation allows we’re planning to get a cat (or possibly two!)

    I have never been any kind of pet person, but I can tolerate cats and I know it’ll make him happy – plus I’ll probably come to love them too. I don’t at all mind sharing the practicalities but where I want to draw the line is that I *really* do not want cats in the bed with us. Every time I’ve brought this up he’s said things along the lines of ‘but they’re so cute! And if you don’t let them in they’ll just scratch at the door!’ which… maybe.. but I’m pretty sure not everyone who has cats lets them in the bed and I feel very strongly about not sharing with a cat! Any advice/ways I can explain how strongly I feel about this?

    Separate but related.. on birthdays/valentines etc I tend to get my partner cat themed cards.. because he loves cats! He has started also getting me cat themed cards, which… it seems super petty and irritable of me not to like it but feels a bit like I’m getting those cards because *he* loves cats, he knows full well that I do not! I’m not sure whether to say something or just leave it because it feels a petty/ungrateful complaint.

    1. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I love cats (my partner likes them but he’s not as cat obsessed as me). And while I love having a cat or two sleeping on the bed, one of ours is such a PITA at night that even I draw the line at his nighttime shennagians. So our cats have their own bedroom (all our friends laugh at me but they wouldn’t if they ever tried to sleep in the same room as Klaus!).

      They know the routine and are perfectly happy with it (in fact Klaus often tries to make us put him to bed early). They go to their room with a small meal when we go to bed, and I let them out when I get up. In an ideal world I’d prefer the cats slept with us but Klaus’ behavior makes it untenable so it’s a good compromise.

      1. valentine*

        Any advice/ways I can explain how strongly I feel about this?
        You’ve done that. He vetoed you and doubled down with the cat cards (unless he has a pattern of giving you stuff he wants). What’s up with that? Is the bed sharing a dealbreaker? If you’re gone for any length of time, are you sure to return to cat hair in your bed and his eventual confession and whoops, you’re stuck?

        Speaking of stuck: You seem resigned to two cats when you were maybe hoping to tolerate one? You will be living in their home, not the other way round. Are you really down for loving these cats and performing all the types of care they need and may need?

        What if you say no cats and he volunteers at a cat shelter, catsits, or otherwise fulfills his feline fancy?

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Two cats of similar age and temperament are often a good idea because they entertain and companion each other. Especially while you’re away during the day.

        2. I don’t actually like cats*

          I am happy to get cats, I just want my bed (/ideally bedroom) to be a cat free zone. (I do think I will enjoy having them, on the whole, so it’s not like I’m dreading this day). And yeah as falling diphthong says, the point of two would be that they have more company when we’re not around.

          1. ..Kat..*

            Your partner is telling you that he will allow cats in the bed. How much of a deal breaker is this for you?

          2. MonteCristo85*

            When I got my cats I proclaimed they would not be allowed on the bed which lasted precisely 5 minutes. Because they are cute, and sad when they cry. But I also try and keep the cattiness of my bedroom to a minimum since I am allergic. So they aren’t allowed on the pillows, or under the blankets, and I keep the bedroom door closed during the day so they can’t hang out in there and shed willy-nilly. So they just curl up at the foot of the bed and snooze.

            But honestly, if this is important to you, you need a commitment from your partner that they will abide by this rule, or you need to not get cats. Because inconsistency in the training will be a nightmare for all concerned.

    2. Helvetica*

      I have a cat and I’m very strict about her not being in bed with me. That is a hard line I draw simply because my bed is…mine. I think, especially if you’re not really a cat person, you need to draw this line too.

      Fortunately, my cat is very respective of those boundaries and never tries to crawl into bed with me, though she does sneakily sleep over the covers if I’m away for longer than the usual working day. So – get a cat who knows what’s what, maybe? In my experience, while many people want cats who would sit on their lap and want to hang out with them all of time, that often translates into cats coming to bed as well. My cat is more of a “doing her thing” kind of cat, so she doesn’t feel the need to constantly be in my presence.

      As a general comment, though, I would caution you to really think about if you’re willing to tolerate living with a cat because it seems like you might not be able to. I tolerate dogs but I wouldn’t want to live with one because I know the constant attention, and the smells, and the level of noise a dog brings would drive me crazy, and cuddliness does not overcome it. So, be sure you recognize your boundaries, and really consider if the cat litter, scratching, occasional hairball vomit, etc, is worth it.

      1. I don’t actually like cats*

        I have thought about it quite a lot and I am quite willing (although I’m not a pet person in general cats are about the best option imo :p). My dad hates pets more than me and has coped with his partners cats (/I’ve spent time in his house). I think a partner who wanted dogs would be fundamentally incompatible with me (I cannot stand the smell… sorry dog people!), so I wouldn’t tolerate that either ;)

    3. AcademiaNut*

      I’d hold firm. You’re willing to get cats, but only on the condition that the bedroom is a cat free zone, and you don’t get a cat until he’s acknowledged this and agreed to it without qualifications.

      1. I don’t actually like cats*

        Thank you! I am willing to be firmer here but also don’t want to be unreasonable. I also think the last time my partner had cats was when he was a kid, and having cats in your bed then is quite different!

        1. Anona*

          I too would be reluctantly willing to have cats but not in my bed. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all!

      2. Kathenus*

        I agree. I’m a huge animal person, and love having animals in the house. But I see this as you are willing to make a large compromise from your personal non-pet preference to get a cat(s) since he wants to, he needs show the same flexibility in agreeing to the PRE-condition of either the bedroom or bed being cat free. If he won’t, it’s no longer a pet issue, it’s a partner issue that you need to try to work through.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband’s cats aren’t allowed in our bedroom ever, period, end of sentence. (I’m not a cat person at all.) I didn’t really put any effort into explaining it though, I just said, “if you want cats, okay, but I don’t do litter boxes and I don’t want cats in our bedroom or on my kitchen counters. You figure out how to make sure that happens.” And he complies. They don’t scratch at the door because they’ve never gotten the idea that it’s a place they can be, though one of them occasionally runs in if she gets the chance and dives under the bed.

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      Our cat doesn’t want to be in bed with us at all! We are both slightly allergic, so we have a big bedsheet that goes over the bed during the day to keep the hair off, and she’s not interested in spending time with us at night, so it works out. You may get lucky with that kind of cat yourself!

    6. WS*

      My partner is mildly allergic to our cats (even though she loves them) so they’re not allowed in bed. Set the rule from the start and the cats will be fine with it. If you let them in sometimes, that’s when they test the limits by scratching at the door etc.

    7. MassChick*

      My cats (past 2 and current 1) were trained from kittenhood to stay out of the bedroom at night and learned/adjusted pretty quickly. Never had a problem with them scratching the door… maybe some melancholy miaowing outside but even that has never been a major issue.

    8. Grace*

      Our cats have always been allowed to sleep on the bed during the day – if you don’t allow that, make sure they have lots of options for cat beds – but sleep downstairs on the sofas (with throws) during the night. The door to the bottom of the stairs is closed overnight. That’s been how it’s done since we adopted them, every single night, and they’re fine with it. They’re actually quite eager for us to go upstairs in an evening if they get sick of us and want to go to sleep.

      If they associate you going to bed and closing the door with their supper (she gets a handful of dried food as we go upstairs), you’ll find they’ll be quite eager for you to leave! A solo kitten will probably yowl at the door – she’s a baby and misses her family – but two kittens will happily entertain each other. If you’re adopting babies, *definitely* get more than one.

    9. Time for a change*

      I can’t say anything about my situation because as I write this there are 3 cats laying by my face and a dog at my legs, but I do love animals and this was my choice, if you are not comfortable with it then stay strong. You are already compromising by getting a cat (or two!) and you shouldn’t be made to feel any way about setting boundaries. Best of luck with the kitties!

    10. Jane*

      This doesn’t answer your question, but if you’re adopting rescue cats you can also say you’d rather have a cat that doesn’t expect to sleep on the bed – my last cat had never been allowed on the bed or sofa and was much, much happier having her own cat bed in each room. Whereas my current rescue cat doesn’t know what a cat bed is for (and my sofa is covered in a blanket that only comes off for visitors because he sheds so much).

      As for the partner issue…I don’t have any suggestions, but he needs to respect your boundaries on this. It’s your home too. And this is coming from someone who was woken up last night by her cat doing it’s best to sleep on her head!

      1. Gatomon*

        Yes, my rescue cat made it clear on his first night he expected to be on/in the bed with me, so a rescue can be a mixed bag. I draw a hard line at “in” the bed, but I caved on allowing him “on” the bed because he would have to be locked out, and then he just howls like a bloodhound. He’s learned that he’s less likely to be shoved off overnight if he sticks down where my feet are and doesn’t try to sleep on me at any point. Overall he’s a pretty good sleep buddy.

        Little stinker has figured out how to tunnel under the blankets while I’m at work recently, so I’m now leaving my bed unmade so he doesn’t snooze all over my pillow. Now that I’m moving to a bigger place in a few weeks I may try shutting the door during the day, but in my current apartment that doesn’t’ leave him much space to be while I’m gone, and his safe space is the space under the bed.

    11. Bibliovore*

      My husband is not a pet person but tolerates (and seems to enjoy) the dog we live with for me. I cannot live without a dog. Smell? My happy, healthy clean dog smells like warm Fritos. The dog sleeps on a dog bed under our bed. Someone enlighten me to what the disagreeable dog odor is. Do cats smell like vinegar? (I love cats but I am allergic) Maybe this smell thing is genetic.

      1. I don’t actually like cats*

        I don’t know tbh and people obviously experience smells differently – but I can tell the second I enter a house with dogs in and hat doesn’t hold for cats. Maybe if you love dogs you just experience the smell as a pleasant thing?

        (The pet food aisle also smells kinda gross to me, as a non-pet owner, but there you go…)

      2. fposte*

        I love dogs, but doggy smell is absolutely a thing. It does vary somewhat by breed–the sporting dogs and hounds tend to be most pungent (they tend to be more waterproof, I think, and the oil is a carrier). Also, any dog with face folds is going to be prone to collecting in there. I don’t think it always permeates an entire house, but somebody who really dislikes dog odor is probably wise not to live with dogs.

        As far as what it smells like–Bibliovore, did you ever read Dodie Smith’s 101 Dalmatians (if you haven’t, you must, as it’s wonderful)? There’s a very tongue-in-cheek sentence in there about the house being filled with the “delightful smell of wet dog.” That’s what we’re talking about, just dialed down. You’ve likely smelled it at a vet visit even if your dog is more olfactorily modest.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Seconding the recommendation to read Dodie Smith’s 101 Dalmatians. It is pretty different from the Disney movie, and Perdita’s name actually makes sense in the context of the book!

          I also liked the other two Dodie Smith books I’ve read even though they’re for adults and have nothing to do with dogs. I suppose I should track down the rest of the things she wrote at some point.

          I haven’t noticed much of a smell with most clean dogs, although some hounds can get a bit of a smell to them. My mom insists that if you don’t feed them beef hounds won’t smell as houndy, but hers certainly had an odor at times even on a fish and rabbit diet.

          1. fposte*

            With dogs like hounds and labs, the frequency of bathing to keep them clean enough not to smell can be too frequent for their skin. I think those of us who love them just get used to it. Like your mother’s comfortable denial :-).

            Did you read I Capture the Castle? That one’s lovely. I still haven’t seen the movie.

            1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              Yes, a friend loaned me I Capture the Castle quite a few years back, so it was the first thing of hers I read. I also picked up a copy of The Town in Bloom at a bookstore once, so that and 101 Dalmatians are the only ones of hers that I own copies of. I haven’t really adapted to this modern world where ordering books is this easy thing that people do on computers all the time (I remember when special-ordering new books involved going to the bookstore and them having to get out a special catalog, and then would take weeks to arrive, and for used paperbacks you pretty much had to rummage through stacks at stores yourself because no one kept searchable inventories of things under about $10-$20) and tend to just browse bookstores and pick up the books I come across.

              I haven’t seen the I Capture the Castle movie either.

        2. Bibliovore*

          I think I love dogs so much that I probably have so much positive pheromones from them that I would be able to discern a smell. I swear that dogs give me an actual high.

      3. Dino*

        Dogs for sure have a smell. You know wet dog smell? Iy’s like that but less strong, but still noticeable. I like dogs but they smell.

      4. Gatomon*

        Dog smell is a thing, but I think it’s mostly influenced by cleaning and the dog’s health. Regular cleaning of the dog and the house should keep dog smell at bay. Dog breath/dog gas is influenced by what the dog eats and its oral health.

        Cats themselves don’t really smell at all. I can bury my face in my cats fur and inhale and not smell anything. They do have cat breath, and the occasional cat gas, like dogs. Their waste products stink to hell and back, but so do dogs. Dogs just go outside, whereas most cat owners at least have a litter box indoors somewhere.

      5. Bibliovore*

        Just realized something. my dog is a bijon and doesn’t shed. I don’t spend anytime with other kinds. I did snuggle an 8 week old Wienereimer today. puppy smell is the best.

    12. Thankful for AAM*

      Everyone else has made really good points. I want to try to channel the cat loving partner. My husband and I (foolishly) did not talk pets before marriage. We were in grad school and not in a position to have pets when we met.

      He was around my parent’s many pets before we married and he was not excited about them but I did not find out the extent of our differences until we were finally allowed to sleep in the same room at my parents house (not allowed when not married). The dog closest to me came in to sleep with me as usual. Husband looked like he had been force fed lemons.

      I immediately knew I would have to find husband a new place to sleep bc I could explain that to him, I could not explain to the dog why I was banning her. In other words, I chose the dog over my husband! Husband was willing to try and I think it grossed him out but it worked out in the end.

      I am worried that the cat loving partner will be like me and will feel no cats in bed is mean to the cats and both of you won’t realize the degree to which you feel how you feel. I know it is likely not mean to the cats but I still feel emotionally that it is.

      When we finally got a rescue dog, he cried so piteously to come to bed on the second night that my husband welcomed him to the bed. I am very lucky bc I dont know what I would have done if he had not.

      Long story to say, be super clear with each other! And it might be harder to do that than cat loving partner realizes as I know I did not realize it. Pets not being fully part of the family would be a deal breaker for me and I would not have realized all the details/assumptions I make that go with pet ownership that did not go with my husband’s definition.

    13. Ramanon*

      Adopting an adult cat (if that’s for you- I understand that there can be situations where buying a kitten from a reputable breeder is the best option) would be a good option. Adult cats don’t need as much of your time (usually), and are more independent (usually). A pair of cats, if they’re a bonded pair, will also help cut down on bedcats, because they’ll have each other to socialize with. Cats like to sleep with you because that’s one of the ways they socially interact, so being accessible outside of bedtime will cut down on them banging at the door at night.

      Also, although my cats have all been oriental breeds, setting firm boundaries with my cats has been very helpful. I have the litterbox in the water closet, and that door stays open unless I need to use the water closet, at which point I kick them out if they’re in there and not using the litterbox. In return, if they’re using the litterbox, I do my best to wait until they’ve finished. It cuts down on feline insistence that they have to investigate the forbidden room, and having that consistent boundary means that they don’t get weird about me using the restroom. If there’s multiple entrances and exits to your bedroom, making a habit of using the same one whenever feasible will also just reassure your cat that you’re not going to go into the bedroom and vanish, so they’ll be less likely to throw a fit about a closed door while you’re sleeping.

    14. DrTheLiz*

      Well I can’t sleep with cat(s) allowed into the bedroom. Last time I stayed with my mother, I got a bed the cat was used to free run of, and every time it jumped on and every time it jumped off I woke up. I had to shut the door in the end – in 30+C heat. Showing Spouse this thread might help?

    15. Koala dreams*

      It sounds very reasonable to not want to have the cats in your bed, a lot of cat people get separate beds for the cats. My grandmother had cute baskets with pillows in them as cat beds. I feel your partner is the unreasonable one in this situation! Is it possible that he really misses sleeping with a cat? Can the two of you sleep in separate rooms? Can you get a full size human bed for the cat in a separate room? I’m just throwing out ideas here, this sounds like a very hard thing to compromise on.

    16. MeepMeep*

      That would be a hard no for me too. I can’t sleep with any animal in the bed. I can just barely manage to share a bed with my wife, because we have a huge king size bed, but I literally stay awake all night if any other living creature is in the bed.

      The wife is a cat person and occasionally makes wistful cat-related hints, but if we ever do get a cat, it will not be allowed on the bed.

    17. Pipe Organ Guy*

      My husband was adopted many years ago (before we met!) by an orange tabby that just walked in off the street, plopped himself on his new person’s chest, and never left. When I came along, orange tabby approved. For some years we did share our bed with cats (you know how much a ten-pound cat weighs when it’s asleep and doesn’t want to move? It turns into a forty-pound sack of concrete.). Eventually, my husband discovered he was a bit allergic to cats. When we bought a bigger house years ago, we agreed on keeping the bedrooms cat-free. I don’t mind sharing the bed with cats, but I decided it’s not a ditch I’m going to die in–allergies take precedence. The cats we had at the time weren’t inclined to congregate outside the bedroom door and make their displeasure known, either. Eventually, though, they died, and we adopted a couple of very friendly, sociable cats that really like humans. Unfortunately, they congregate outside the bedroom and sing the “Where are you? I’m lonely! Where are you?” songs of their people while we try to sleep. Our solution? Feed them at night, and close them in the laundry room (where their food and water are, along with litter boxes). We’ve done it for years now, and the cats aren’t wild about it, but they don’t fight it either, and they don’t hold it against us.

    18. Venus*

      There are good suggestions already (keep them out, have their own ‘cat bedroom’ if you have space). I prefer to not allow them in the bedroom, but if he insists and you are looking at options then I suggest a bed-side table on his side with cat beds for them. He can reach out and pet them, but they aren’t on the bed.

      Of course, animals (dogs and cats) have their own opinions about such things, and may choose to get on the bed as soon as you fall asleep. You can encourage them by moving them off the bed, and hopefully they learn quickly to use their own beds, but it would be more reliable to just close the door.

    19. Booksalot*

      I am a cat lover, but a pet-free bedroom is a deal breaker for me too. This is a safety issue.

      I put my foot down after our second cat was adopted. She was very jittery for the first few weeks. She had a middle-of-the-night freak out, jumped on my husband’s face in his sleep, and snagged his eyelid with her claws. He could have been blinded.

      On other message boards, I’ve read similar stories. One woman got a corneal abrasion from her two cats landing on her face while they fought at night. Cats are nocturnal, and giving them access to you while you’re unconscious is IMO not very smart.

    20. pcake*

      I hope getting a cat works out for you and your SO, but I’d guess it’s going to be a rocky road because cats are very much a part of one’s life – they’re wired to live in groups, so they’ll consider you part of their pack. That being said, every cat has a unique personality and some are much better than spending time alone than others. Some will scratch and yowl all night long every night. Others will go into a depression or need more of your attention the rest of the time.

      For me, because I love cats, my SOs have all been cat lovers. I can’t see how it could be any other way. My cats have always been welcome to sleep with us, and some did while others usually didn’t. More important perhaps to you, our elderly cat died at the end of May. For over 5 years, we had to give him subcutaneous fluids 5 times a week, a 2 person job, and for the past year and a half he needed lots of medical stuff that was expensive and required him not to be left alone for long, so our entire lives were involved in his aging at that point, and it was devestating. I cannot imagine being with a person who wouldn’t do that for a cat I loved with, but I can see those who wouldn’t be willing to do that would do better not to have cats. It can be a huge commitment.

      And yes, you should say something because honesty and communication are important to any kind of relationship.

    21. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Yeah, but you must remeber that you don’t own a cat, the cat owns you.

      A few years back I lived in a shared house, and there was a cat that decided it lived there too. Seriously, it would hang around the garden and walk in like it owned the place. And it would sneak up to my room… nearly had a heart attack once watching a horror movie with headphones on sitting at my desk and something brushes the back of my feet… And sometimes on lazy sundays I’m wrecked on the sofa it’d come in, jump up on my chest, knead a place and it there purring with its tail in my face… And I am fiercely allergic to cats, kitty gives me a side eye and I sneeze, so I couldn’t even lift the cat off my chest without getting hives… Housemates gave me grief about ”we’re not supposed to have pets” and I was insisting it wasn’t my cat. I didn’t feed it, one of the housemates actually did…

      But yeah, cats are individuals so all bets are off whether they will do what you want.

    22. Jane of all Trades*

      I like having my own cats in my bed, but don’t like to share the bed with other cats at all. So maybe you’ll feel differently about them when they are your own.
      That said, cats are creatures of habit. If you establish a routine early on that doesn’t include them being allowed in the bedroom, I think you won’t have a problem (assuming your husband is also consistent on that front). We have two bedrooms – the cats are allowed in one, not in the other. They are quite curious about the other (so if there door were left open they would definitely explore), but since it’s always been off limits it’s not an issue. They don’t spend time scratching or crying at the door. Make sure they have their comfy resting spots elsewhere in the apartment, and they’ll be fine.
      I do agree with other commenters here that if you got a bonded pair it would probably be nicer for the cats, so they can snuggle together when they sleep.

    23. Alexandra Lynch*

      We don’t let the cats in our bedroom at night. Especially now that we have a kitten. 4 am is playtime for him, I’ve heard him at it sometimes. He and the other cat can enjoy themselves, and I’ll get the rest of my night’s sleep.

      Also, there are just times you don’t want an audience, especially a feline one. Wink wink nudge nudge.

    24. Cat Meowmy Admin*

      I think it’s pawesome that you’re considering this, with an open mind and fair boundaries. As it should be!
      *Agreed with other suggestions above. Start out on the right note, keeping the bedroom off limits. Provide plenty of other cozy inviting spots (cats especially love cubbies etc where they can hide). Basically “catify” your home to give kitty(s) plenty of attractive alternatives other than your bedroom.
      *Its so important to do your homework first when considering adopting a pet(s). Google is your friend! Go to Jackson Galaxy’s website for a plethora of info, especially introducing a new cat to another. (If you adopt a 2nd cat later.) I can’t stress this enough.
      *Visit local adoption events in your area and you can meet local rescue groups. Often they have pair(s) of already bonded cats in need of loving homes, and have a good sense of temperaments etc to provide a suitable match. The rescue groups do all the pre-vetting, spay/neuter etc. The adoption fees are very reasonable. If you adopt from a rescue group, **you’re saving 2 lives – the pet that you adopt AND the shelter pet that the rescue group can save by pulling from the shelter!** It’s a win-win!
      *Always remember (I’m sure you do) that a pet is a commitment for it’s lifetime. Consider your options if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason. This is why rescue groups can be ideal, the reputable ones will take the pet back for rehoming if necessary.
      *You and your partner may want to consider fostering through a local rescue group as well. Fostering saves lives, literally. It’s a relatively short term commitment (“can we crash at your place?!”) until a permanent home is found. Again, the rescue groups provide all the vetting and usually food and supplies as well. And if you fall in love and decide to adopt your fosters, easily done! (Despite what some folks say, no it is not hard to give them up (although bittersweet) when you know they’re going to good homes.)
      *Please do keep your cat(s) indoors only. It’s safer and can prevent a tragedy. Also better for their overall health.
      *There are a number of options to consider! Good luck!
      [Separately- I think your partner is quite cat like actually- giving you cat themed cards which are special to them, is honoring you! Like when a cat brings you a “present” of something it considers “special”! N’ah mean?! Lol]
      Apologies for the long “essay”, all the best to you!

  11. Junior Dev, Are You Okay?*

    I posted a thread a while back but it was far down the list, so trying again earlier in an open thread. Junior Dev, if you are reading this, I hope you are alright. You have been so thoughtful and encouraging for others, and your absence here is noticed. I know life was challenging, so I’m sending good thoughts your way.

  12. Sc@rlettNZ*

    Thank you to everyone who commented last week with their podcast recommendations. The weekend rather got away from me so I didn’t get a chance to reply to everyone individually but I really appreciated your responses and I’m looking forward to checking them out :-)

  13. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

    I was fired on Monday from my church job; I posted the details on Thursday’s open thread.

    I feel absolutely horrible. Every day now I wake up to that oppressive, heavy feeling where I get to be reminded that I was unwanted, unwelcome, only an obstacle to be removed for something better. Someone younger. I have always had issues with depression and spikes of anxiety, and have always lived in my own little corner of the world. I do best with a quiet, routine life. And all that was destroyed, for no good reason. And of course, I am terrified as to what my future holds.

    My self confidence and faith in people, never high, has been absolutely shattered. To be unwanted… that is such an awful state of being. I will never understand how people can be so cruel and uncaring. So that’s my mental health report: it’s a hurricane, folks.

    1. TPS Cover Report*

      I didn’t have as a dramatic rejection as yours, but I’ve been having a bout of feeling really unwwanted.

      It was really a trivial thing. I was headhunted by a specialist recruiter about a month ago for a pretty plum job in a private bank. Well, the end customer said as feedback I was missing some aspects they had stronger candidates for etc. etc. So nothing much lost or gained.

      Now yesterday another specialist recruiter came around like a cat circling hot porridge and started asking if I was open for a career move… when I get the job spec it started reading familiar… too familiar. So I double checked my records and answered back… having to rewrite the email about three times not to come across too snarky…

      So I wasn’t ”good enough” and despite their ”stronger candidates” I now get baited with the same job. Trivial, I know.

      2. valentine*

        Awful people rejecting you is a kind of compliment. If you’re the person whose manager/colleagues were mistreating them, including messing up pay, you are better off without them.

        Who wants good things for you? To whom can you turn? Who will cheer your liberation? Let them care for you now.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I can identify with this so much. I feel this way quite frequently over both career things and personal things. I don’t really have much advice except that it will get better. It’s a kind of grief process, really, so it is expected that you will been like absolute shit for a while. Especially since you had the misfortune to be working for cruel people.

      Internet hugs to you.

      2. TPS Cover Report*

        Yeah, working for a church, that wasn’t very ”christian” of them, but I won’t get into the debate. I’d do an old-fashioned Latin curse scroll (like in Rome when servilia goes ballistic on Caesar and Atia)

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I meant to ask … and apologies I’d this is too W-word… is your denomination the one that has been in the news with a possible schism coming? If yes, it’s likely not YOU so much as budget fears on the part of your not-good former manager.

        1. Kuododi*

          Oh my dear….I haven’t been fired from a S Baptist church. I have however been involved in some way or another with S Baptists for years. (DH and I got our MDiv’s from one of the “big ticket” SBC seminaries). We finally left the denomination bc of so many of the dysfunctional changes at our particular seminary as well as the SBC at large….(ie resolution condemning women in ministry, dismissal of so many wonderful professors and degree programs at seminary).

          For me, it finally became an issue bc I was starting to look at their behavior as somehow “normal” and becoming distressed bc I didn’t fit/wasn’t accepted. One of the best things DH and I did was to “shake the dust off our feet” metaphorically as we left the denomination. I learned that being a part of a religious system which was set up with the unwritten goal of rejecting me and so many others in the world was a recipe for emotional and spiritual disaster.

          You are a lovely and gracious person deserving of all the positive things about life. This was simply a job. I have no doubt you performed your role admirably. It does suck to be fired/let go, and have the associated worries around finding new employment. Jobs do have an important place in society however I always encourage people to look elsewhere for emotional/social and spiritual connection. Not every group accepts every person and yet the earth keeps spinning. I wish you nothing but the best as your equilibrium returns and you’re setting about the business of finding new employment.

    4. Pipe Organ Guy*

      I am very sorry that you’re going through this. I can only say that I have worked in churches since I was in high school (longer than I want to think about!), and have had both good and bad experiences.

      Depression and anxiety are not your friends right now! There are lots of times when it really is them, not you. I hope you have supportive friends who can be with you during this darkness! Are your depression and anxiety being treated?

      In the world of church music, many of us have been scarred by churches, for many, many reasons, most of them not good. Personality clashes, intolerance of LGBTQ people, aesthetic clashes, ageism, sexism–you name it.

      1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

        Yeah, the environment can be really traumatizing for a lot of reasons. My experience is just one.

    5. Anono-me*

      As to the people who are telling you that you are unwanted. Please consider who is speaking, before you believe what they are saying. They said the same thing about your former coworker and you knew that they were wrong then. WHY AREN’T THEY JUST AS WRONG ABOUT YOU ? Read your previous posts, look at how these people treat others. Unfortunately you are one of a crowd.

      Also, you mentioned in this post and in other posts about your coworker that the PTB want younger people. This seems to me to be something that should be looked into.

      Sending strength and grace.

    6. Cat Meowmy Admin*

      All I can offer are words of encouragement, with heaps of grace and peace sending your way, adding in some internet hugs. You deserve so much better and I do believe all good things will come to you. (I can relate, my friend.)

  14. Loose Seal*

    Need recommendations for kitten food.

    About ten days ago, we adopted a three-month-old kitten from the shelter. We asked what they had been feeding him — Purina Kitten Chow Nuture — and bought that so we wouldn’t have food-related pooplosions. The thing is: He doesn’t appear to like it very much.

    He seemed a bit underweight when we got him (his first vet visit is scheduled for next week) and, although he looks sleeker and shinier now, he still seems skeletal to me. He is eating less than half of the recommended amount of food daily but seems very interested in our older cat’s food and the dog’s food. We have a hard time keeping him out of the older cat’s food dish. So that makes me wonder if he just wants a tastier/smellier kitten food.

    I’d like recommendations for food that I can get in the US. I have PetSmart and other pet stores available to me and I could order off Chewy or Amazon if I needed to (although I’ve noticed availability for pet food is hit or miss on Amazon). I’m not adverse to an expensive food if it’s good for his needs since this first year of feeding is so important so don’t worry about cost.

    If I could figure out how to post a picture, I’d share kitten cuteness with you as a thank you. He’s a tuxedo cat whose coloring is perfectly symmetrical and he is most adorable. Purrs all day long and loves to nap cuddled up with us (he binge-watched Stranger Things with me this holiday). His name is Agent Philine Coulson (say it out loud and it sounds like ‘feline’. We are trying to work out the spelling) and we just call him Coulson.

    1. kittens*

      I use Royal Canin kitten food for my fosters (both in the wet and dry versions) and they all have liked it and eaten it. I tend to just leave the food available so they can eat whenever. I think he might like the older cat’s food but also at least with my kittens, sometimes it seems they either want to be like the other older cat or they fear missing out so must have whatever older cat is having. So I’d feed the older cat on the counter where the kittens couldn’t reach and the kittens were more likely to concentrate on their own food without the distraction of what was the older cat doing/eating.

    2. Ethyl*

      Seconding Royal Canin! They’re pricey but hopefully once you get the wee thing fed up, you can transition to sharing whatever food your adult cat eats. Royal Canin makes foods to appeal to specific types of picky eaters, like ones who like smelly versus crunchy, so I would start there!

    4. Stitch*

      My cat utterly refuses to eat anything other than science diet dry food. He has very few teeth left so I tried offering a few kinds of wet food and he rejected them.

      1. Ethyl*

        Could you moisten the dry food with a little broth? I did that for a while for my sweet old lady who had a jaw tumor during her last weeks with us.

        1. Stitch*

          I tried that too but he likes it hard. Apparently toothless old cats can eat dry food just fine.

          1. Ethyl*

            Cats are such goons XD

            My smol weird girl cat somehow dug an entire pair of tights out of the organizing cube thingy, and then dragged them all over the house. I am only sad I didn’t see her carrying them around because how even????

    5. Vet in Training*

      Congrats on your new family member! I love that name.

      There are a million and one pet food options these days and I think the most important thing is to get something that works well for you and your cat. I find when you start looking on the internet for these things, you find a lot of people who will demonise certain types of food or ingredients without really understanding anything about animal science or nutrition. Personally, I would recommend one of the bigger companies (like Royal Canin or Purina), because these companies do so much research and have board certified nutritionists on staff. That’s not to say that small companies can’t produce good food, but there are a lot of trends in pet food that are not backed by science and that can sometimes mean health problems that may not manifest until years later.

      Also if you’re worried about his weight, you can google ‘body condition score’ for cats which is a good way to compare his condition with what it should be.

      Enjoy having a kitten! My feline companion has no interest in Stranger Things sadly, so I’m having to watch it alone

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        My vet says Purina, Hills/Science Diet, and Royal Canin are the only brands that can scientifically back the nutritional claims behind their products.

        As we’ve seen with the grain free dog food movement (everyone started making grain free dog food and marketing it as healthier, when it was actually causing heart disease in dogs), pet food is a marketing space that is rife with snake oil. It’s best to stick to brands that have research to back up their formulations.

    6. cat socks*

      I have older cats and I’ve been feeding them Purina Beyond grain free wet food and dry food. They get a portion of wet food in the morning and evening and access to dry food in a puzzle feeder. It’s challenging to find flavors they all like so I bought a bunch of individual cans from the store to see what they liked and then ordered in bulk from Chewy.

    7. not Lynn Davis*

      If the immediate issue is getting him to eat -something- so he takes in more quantity than now, maybe take a bit of what the older cat eats (which kitten seemed interested in), add some water, and stir until it’s a bit mushy (instead of too large/hard-for-kittens chunks). That might at least get him started while you/he figure out what kitten food he’ll eat.

    8. Ramanon*

      I’m very big on Wellness Core, personally, but since you’re feeding prior to a vet visit, I’m going to agree with the Royal Canin/Science Diet kitten development recommendations. If the kitten has any health issues that you don’t know about right now, those two are designed to be easiest to get all the nutrients from.

      As an aside, the only real benefit to Purina is cheapness, and last I checked Hills provides discounts to shelters for cat food, so I’m really surprised that the shelter would be feeding Purina.

    9. Clever Name*

      My cats eat Royal Canin dental diet. They absolutely love it! I also give them the tiny cans of fancy feast cat food. They are both 2 and seem to be doing well on it. One is a petite 8 lbs who was super tiny when we got her, and the other is a solid 11 lb male.

    10. Kathenus*

      As a new cat owner I’m not going to speak to specific recommendations, but once you get your guy eating consistently I strongly recommend considering a rotational feeding strategy – meaning that you work to get your cat (insert other pet type here) used to and accepting of different foods. This can be so helpful in avoiding future problems if they change the formula of the regular food, if it’s no longer available, etc. It also introduces variety in taste to the pet. I just adopted a cat and also got the food that they fed but also got several other varieties of dry food and mix them together (versus just a 100% switch to new) to keep her used to various foods (she did great with this, and definitely shows preferences at times between the types but they seem to change at times so it could be a mood thing for that day), and they already fed a variety on the wet food side so I do the same with the variety pack boxes.

      1. fposte*

        I love this point. In general with pets it’s long-term investing to get them used to stuff that can come up fast when necessary, so food changes, comfort in carriers, handling of feet and mouths, etc. are all good to pretrain.

    11. Venus*

      I do home visits for our rescue, and my guidance is:
      Try a few different opotions (if you go to a pet store, ask if they have samples – mine has a few dry foods with small packets for $2), and see what he likes.

      I tend to suggest that people avoid ‘grocery store brands’ or ones at vets (Iams, Science Diet, Purina, etc) as I have heard that they spend a lot on advertising and not on quality ingredients (this obviously doesn’t apply to prescription diets). I fostered cats where the shelter was donated Iams, and it was okay but I had several cats with chronic colds (URIs) and even after trying antibiotics and waiting a couple months to resolve, I found they got better within 7-10 days of changing to a higher quality food (but still same price at the store as Iams). This was at different times, and the cats were quite sick, so it could have been a coincidence but I now feed my sicker fosters a food from the pet store that is same price as those brands but I find the grain-free low-ingredient types.

      Yet, my cat is old and sick, so I now feed him food from the grocery store because that is what he will eat. I can give you brand suggestions, but it’s probably better for you to try at least 3 options and see what he likes.

    12. Booksalot*

      If he’s underweight to the point that his health is at risk, supplement with KMR until you get the food issue figured out. A very general rule of thumb is that kittens should gain a pound a month, so your guy should be about three pounds if he was aged properly.

    13. Kuododi*

      The new baby sounds like bliss. It’s been years since I have served the feline overlords, however we’ve always had good luck with IAMs products both for the cats as well as our doofus doggos. (Price wise, I’d say it’s mid-range for $$$ spent). Our vets have always been happy with our choice of IAMS cat and dog food.
      There was a period of about 6 months right after we got our latest mini Daschund where puplet needed Royal Canine kidney formula for some chronic issues. It was a good product but $$$!!! (Not budget friendly.). Best of luck.

    14. Cat Meowmy Admin*

      Congratulations on adopting your new furkid “Agent Philine Coulson!! Thank you for saving the life of a shelter pet!!
      [We are the happily willing human slaves to 2 rescued cats (we rescued), caretakers of our backyard TNR’d feral cat colony, and have fostered kittens in the past.]
      Agreed with the suggestions here, as well as adding some KMR (kitten milk replacement).
      Check out @myfosterkittens (Nikki Martinez) and @kittenlady (Hannah Shaw) both on Instagram and Facebook. Nikki also has a blog (link in her Instagram profile) with recommended products. These 2 resources will provide you with a lot of useful info!
      *Most importantly, see what your Vet recommends during the visit next week. Sometimes kittens need deworming (or other common treatments) which may or may not contribute to kitty’s appetite.
      Wishing you purrs and head bonks!

  15. Lcsa99*

    Crafty and otherwise creative people! I could use some input. My husband and I are working on costumes to be the sketched couple from the music video Take On Me by A-Ha. So the plan is to get white clothing and add sketch marks to it and we’ll do white wigs and white make-up and sketch marks on ourselves as well. I am just at a loss as to the best way to do the clothing. Should I use paint? Magic marker? I’ve seen pictures of people making themselves look like sketches by doing lots of xs (just denser at the darker parts), but part of me is worried that if I do much more than simple lines it’ll just read as dirty. So what do you think? How can we pull this off?

      1. JediSquirrel*

        Second this. You may have to search for just the right shade of grey.

        This sounds really cool. I wish we could see pictures of the costumes.

    2. Stephanie*

      I would practice on scraps of cloth that are the same blend and weave as your costume will be (like, a cotton T-shirt, if you’ll be wearing one, or a heavier, twill or denim if that will be part of your costume). Try out different techniques and experiment with paints and markers to see what looks best.
      My gut says markers would be easier to get the effect you’re looking for. There are fabric markers, but even a giant Sharpie type would work–in fact, I would probably use a few different thicknesses to get more texture. If you have an art supply store near you, see if you can find a few options.
      Oh!. And stretch the fabric flat and slide a piece of cardboard inside to separate the layers. (Like inside a T-shirt, for example). That way the paint/marker won’t bleed through, and you can get cleaner lines as you paint/draw.
      Good luck! It’s a cool idea for a costume!

    3. Friendly Neighborhood Cosplayer*

      Look up cosplays for Archer, Borderlands, and Telltale’s games (like The Wolf Among Us). Those all have cell shaded art styles, so people paint their costumes to have the lines and shading to emulate that look. At least one cosplayer will have put out a walkthrough of their process or even a tutorial.
      I’m not sure if anyone cosplays Sin City, but that might also be more in line with your costumes, since it has a black and white sketchy style.

    4. Book Wyrm*

      Look into tutorials for costumes/cosplays for characters from TellTale video games: The Walking Dead, Borderlands, A Wolf Among Us. The art style of the games is heavy lines to make the characters look more hand-drawn than computer generated. People who cosplay those characters put dark lines on their clothes and their skin to look more hand-drawn. I’ll see if I can find some links for you.

    5. wingmaster*

      Such a great costume idea!

      I would suggest using markers. I would think this would be easier to use when creating the lines and shading. Plus you can get a wide range of marker sizes (chisel / fine tip).

      You can first sketch out your lines using fabric chalk too.

    6. HannahS*

      I’d go for either a wide marker or a wide brush. Beware that if you use a regular marker, it’ll come off in the wash! Fabric “drags” a lot more than paper, especially if it’s knit–so, t-shirts, sweatpants, for example–so it’s a lot harder to get long, smooth lines. In that sense, the sketchier the style the better; short strokes will be easier. Regardless, it’ll be easier to paint/draw if you stick pieces of cardboard between the layers of clothing, both to stiffen the surface and reduce drag, and to keep the paint/ink from bleeding through.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        If you can still get them – I think there was word that they were being discontinued – Sharpie makes a special laundry marker called the Rub-A-Dub. I use them all the time for making marks on sewn projects where steam from the iron might fade other markers.

    7. Isabekka*

      You can paint in marker form. I’ve seen them at hobby craft (big chain craft shop in the uk). I am not sure where you are in the world but given that they are also on amazon you can probably buy them wherever you are. Best of luck it sounds like a cool costume idea, I bet it will be great.

  16. Not So NewReader*

    So I have an odd computer problem.

    I can’t navigate the TED Talks website. I need to do this for a project. Everything I try to click on is dead.
    I have done a hard reboot a couple times and I can go through a couple of clicks then the buttons all go dead again.

    I don’t have any problem on any other site. My computer is fairly new. I have tried changing browsers. I am working on running my anti-everything ware. And I keep checking the site but not having any improvements.

    Ideas?

    1. Llellayena*

      Does anyone else you know have the same problem? Maybe it’s the website, not your computer? Maybe try a different browser? Some work better than others with certain sites (I recently discovered that google earth only works in chrome).

    2. The Messy Headed Momma*

      Do you have an ad block running? Maybe that’s the culprit. I am just guessing though.

    3. Penguin*

      Oddly, I have the same problem with this site on mobile; the title links to individual posts don’t exist for me there.

      First suggestion: disable any ad-blocking software/browser plugins you have running and enable pop-ups.

      Second suggestion- try alternate browsers. I’d suggest Internet Explorer, Chrome, Firefox, and (if none of those work) Opera- they’re all free and IE specifically seems to either work best or not at all with some sites, making it a good first check. (Obviously skip any ones you’ve already tried.)

      Third suggestion- look to archive.org’s Wayback Machine (archive.org/web/) for recent saved versions of the TED Talk site. That may exclude whatever oddity is preventing you from using the site normally.

      Fourth suggestion- try searching for the url via google and opening the cached version of the page (search, then look for the little green arrow under the page title to the right of the displayed URL for a search result). This should give you a bare-bones static version of the page (like a screenshot, but with working links); copy the url of each link you’re interested in (right-click on the link, choose “copy link address”), then paste it and repeat the search-then-open-cached-version process I just outlined to go to each successive page. It’ll get super tedious, but if nothing else works this should help.

    4. LQ*

      I just went to poke at the site myself to see and am having the same issue. Do you need to use the site or just watch some videos? If videos try YouTube or I believe they have a couple podcasts, and I think they have an app that may be working you could try if you have a mobile device. If you know the video you should be able to google into the video directly. When I tried going to a video and then navigating out from the video to other things I was fine. So like ted /topics works for me. It’s the stupid home page that’s failing.

      I hope that helps?

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Wow, thank you so much you guys. I am going to try all these ideas and I will report back.
      You guys are awesome. Thanks.

    6. EinJungerLudendorff*

      I’m having the same problem, so I think it’s something on their end that is wonky.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I tried most of the ideas here and finally I emailed them.

        They know they have a minor problem and some people are having difficulty.

        Not sure yet, how I will get to use the site. Hopefully, they will come up with something.

  17. The Other Dawn*

    What is your favorite dish to make with prepared foods?

    I’m been struggling with my eating habits for a long time–almost two years. I just cannot seem to get myself on track. Exercise is totally on point, but the eating right fluctuates a lot. Right now I’m back to buying a bag of Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos and a couple packages of Justin’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups every single week when I shop. I tell myself I’m not going to do it, but then I get to stop and it’s like I just automatically reach for it. Somewhere deep in my mind I know I shouldn’t, I told myself before I went into the store I wouldn’t, but then I just ignore that and grab the items anyway. Then I hate myself after I’ve scarfed them down in a couple days. This isn’t good.

    What makes eating right harder is that I’ve gotten so, so lazy about cooking. Even batch cooking has gone by the wayside. And my husband doesn’t care one way or the other, so it’s not like I have the added incentive of someone wondering where dinner is, unlike my mom who cooked most nights and dinner was on the table at 5 pm, shortly after my dad got home from work. Most nights we just grab whatever from the cabinets or fridge, or we hit the diner.

    Anyway, I’ve been feeling like buying some prepared food would make it easy for us to eat better with minimal effort. I’d love nothing more that to go to Whole Foods and raid the hot/cold bars since everything looks so good, but that can get expensive. I was thinking of using a mix of prepared ingredients and stuff I have at home.

    (If it helps, I had gastric bypass 5+ years ago so I tend to stay away from pasta and rice, thought my husband likes it and eats it. GB makes it harder, because while it fixes the physical part so one can lose weight, it sure doesn’t fix the brain. 5+ years later I still sometimes wish I could sit down with a pint of ice cream or a whole pizza.)

    1. CTT*

      Since you can’t do pasta and rice, have you tried veggie noodles and rice? I’ve definitely seen them already-spiralized at my Kroger. There are tons of recipes out there for them of varying degrees of difficulty and a lot of them are of the “throw a few things together” type; my favorite is to bake a spiralized sweet potato with garlic and chili powder until it’s crispy. Also, frozen vegetables are life-savers; you can get a lot of variety and try different things without having to worry about it going bad in a few days.

      (Also, as someone else who has to change her grocery store route so she can’t see the end of the aisle with chips, solidarity with you on that front.)

      1. valentine*

        For the snacks you feel bad about: If you really do want them and it’s not just habit, what if you only eat the serving size (or whatever’s good for your stomach) at a time?

        I used to add ham and shredded cheddar to a salad mix bag that included walnuts and cranberries and it was glorious.

        1. legalchef*

          Or what about dividing the bag up into individual servings as soon as you get home (using the snack size baggies)? This way you don’t need to measure each time, you can just grab a bag.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          It’s a mix of habit and wanting them. I’ve tried the serving size thing, and I’ve come to realize that I just can’t buy this type of stuff anymore. I know, just don’t buy them! But it’s definitely a struggle to not buy them for some reason–they’re like a magnet to me. Tomorrow is my next shopping trip so I think I need to just totally skip that isle.

          1. Anonymouse for this*

            Howabout putting the candy in the freezer in portion size bags. I do that with mini snickers because I know my cravings are usually emotional. Given that I can’t eaten a frozen one without breaking a tooth by the time the snickers has defrosted I’ve usually managed to distract myself enough that the moment has passed and I don’t actually want it.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              I used to do that, but found it didn’t matter to me they were frozen (I love Snickers, too!). I’d find a way to eat them.

          2. TechWorker*

            I know little about us shopping but if you have the option of shopping online and getting delivery I find that really helps in making better choices.

            Else is it possible just to buy a smaller portion in the shop? (Ie a single serving portion rather than a sharing bag) – that way you still get the treat but don’t overeat..? (I’m aware that I’m in the U.K. where most things are available in small as well as large portion sizes so I’ve no idea if that even translates though sorry..)

      3. The Other Dawn*

        I do have some riced cauliflower in the freezer. Quite a bit, actually (hello, Trader Joe’s!). So I can use that. I have a ton of fresh herbs outside: cilantro, basil, sage, oregano (holy moly it’s A LOT!), parsley, thyme and dill. I also have one Swiss chard plant, which produces a few leaves every few days. I use those to make grilled cheese with cheddar on Dave’s Killer Bread (the one with the 21 grains and seeds). I also try to stay away from bread, but I do enjoy a grilled cheese or some toast every week or two.

        1. Alexandra Lynch*

          Spanish riced cauliflower: teaspoon of tomato paste, shake of Penzey’s Salsa and Pico seasoning blend, cook about two minutes in the microwave and stir.

          “rice pilaf”: a touch of chicken broth, a tiny bit of powdered garlic, a shake of onion powder, Penzey’s Fines Herbes blend, cook about two minutes in the microwave and stir.

          I have recipes for General Tso’s chicken and for sweet-and-sour sauce that are WLS friendly if you want them.

          Boyfriend can handle the carbs in a large tortilla, so I make him a lot of wraps. There are also safe BBQ sauces, so pulled pork is a “I don’t wanna cook” meal around here.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, please! Thanks.

            I’m fine with carbs as long as I have a little protein with them. I can eat a bunch of crackers, but if I have nothing else with them I tend to have a blood sugar drop a couple hours later. As far as sugar goes, I can handle about 15g in one serving. I miss the days when I could drink a whole bottle of cold Starbucks Mocha Latte, but the sugar is outrageous! Speaking of which, I saw some interesting protein drinks in the produce section last week, only to discover that ONE bottle (about 12-16 ounces) had 47 grams of sugar!! I think that’s more than soda?

    2. Grace*

      There are plenty of curries that you can have with or without rice and/or naan, and pre-chopped ingredients (especially if frozen) plus pre-prepared curry paste make them fairly easy without recipes. Stick some pre-chopped butternut squash in to roast for half an hour, longer if frozen, then fry off some curry paste, add some coconut milk, simmer it with the squash and any other added veg (I like adding a ball or two of frozen spinach) and bam. Done. Not exactly an authentic curry, but tasty and lots of nutrients. Cous-cous can be a nice side to that and is fairly easy to prepare.

      I also enjoy frittata – again, stick in some veg to roast, then pull out the tray, drain the oil, scatter some feta or something over the veg and then pour over egg-milk mixture and stick it back in the oven for a bit. Frozen fishcakes with roast veg are also nice.

      Basically, buy pre-chopped frozen veg. It makes life so much easier, and the nutritional value is good if they’ve been frozen shortly after harvest. Even a store-bought quiche feels healthier if you add some roast veg to the side.

      1. Ethyl*

        I use frozen butternut squash for a nice curry with frozen spinach, some chunked up tofu, coconut milk, and curry paste and it is soooo silky and creamy (and came in handy when j had to have a tooth out, uck).

        Other ideas: prepackaged “simmer sauces” for meats/tofu and veggies, preseasoned canned beans on toast (our Wegmans has a couple of varieties and I’ve seen similar ones at Trader Joe’s — Italian, Mexican, Indian seasonings for example), Amy’s or Eden Organic canned soups (lower in sodium than some others).

        What types of foods make your tummy feel best? My tummy works really well on lots of lean protein and not as much carbs, so I also take a day every other week to buy a big family pack of chicken breast and add it to freezer bags with chopped peppers and onions and some store-bought marinade. That goes into Ziploc bags and into the freezer, then I just defrost in the microwave and chuck it on a baking sheet and bake.

    3. The Messy Headed Momma*

      Those pre cooked chickens are super versatile. I make tacos or quesadillas. You can add it to canned tomatoes, some frozen veg & some water or stock & you have soup. (Watch the sodium.) Also, I’m a big fan of charcuterie style plates: meats, cheeses, olives, pickles, crackers – just stuff I can pick at. You could change it up to whatever you like – think of it as an assembled finger food plate.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        “charcuterie style plates”

        This is really appealing to me, probably because it’s a small serving so i can actually finish it, and because I love variety.

      2. Stitch*

        Rotisserie chickens are great. I also think open face chicken sandwiches (canned chicken, mayo, on bread topped with a tomato and cheese, baked) is pretty satisfying.

      3. BRR*

        Ooh I love rotisserie chickens. I use them for soups (and make stock from the carcass and leftover vegetables) or will just add a carb like bread or rice and a vegetable. Often I’ll pull them apart right when I get home while they’re still hot.

          1. Parenthetically*

            I’ve been known to pull skin off a leftover roast chicken, re-crisp it in a pan, and eat it like bacon.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Oh, that sounds delicious! I’m definitely a fan of chicken and turkey skin. I’ve never thought about doing that, though.

    4. Grits McGee*

      This may or may not work for you because of the rice component, but I’m a big fan of the Zatarain’s boxed rice meals. (I grew up in south Louisiana, and these are the only products that come close to approximating Creole-style dishes, and that I don’t have to add a ton of extra seasoning to.) My favorites are the red bean and black bean mixes- I brown a package of sausage, add the mix and water, bring it to a boil, chuck in a couple cups of frozen broccoli or spinach, stir, and then cook according to the package.

      I will also say- low sodium spicy V8 is my go to secret ingredient. It makes a super easy soup or sauce base. Just add vegetables/meats/extra seasoning as needed.

    5. tab*

      I find that if I log everything I eat, either in a food diary or myfitnesspal, I eat less. I don’t understand why it works, because I’m the only one who looks at the diary. But I find myself reaching for something, and then I think “I don’t want to write that down!” and I put it back.

      1. TPS Cover Sheet*

        I joined fat fighters… err… ”Slimming World” last Dec (before New Years so it wasn’t a resolution) The first month I kept an exact diary of what I ate. The first week I just ate what I ate normally and only after the week I calculated my syns… then I started following their system and watching what I was eating… And it is not like you can’t eat, it’s more what you eat… but I’ve gone from 18 stone to 16, so not bad at all…

        Well, I think I should do another diary week or two just to make sure I’m not gone into bad habits, but now I’ve been finding all the mystery meats in the freezer and clearing out ancient cans in the larder and I still lost 3.5 pounds last week.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yes, I have lots of mysteries in the freezer at the moment, so I truly have no excuse for not eating better–I have a freezer full of stuff!

    6. teach*

      My local grocery has a “pick up” option where you order online a day ahead and call in to the store for them to bring your cart out. It cost a few bucks if I don’t order a certain $ amount, but that’s less than what I spent on snacks!

    7. Policy wonk*

      How about a stir fry? Get some chicken tenders, frozen stir fry veggies and some stir fry sauce – there are various kinds. You can give spouse rice (try boil in bags or single serving microwavable cups) and you can either use the riced caulifower or eat as is.
      I am also a big fan of rotisserie chickens – there are all kinds of veggie blends you can zap to go with. And for convenience there are ham steaks – good as is or chopped into a chef’s salad. And there are often prepared microwavable main dishes in the same area of the meat case, like sirloin tips or turkey breast.

    8. HannahS*

      Cut/shredded rotisserie chicken + spinach + a handful of nuts/seeds + handful of dried fruit (or fresh) + squirt of honey mustard + splash of olive oil + salt/pepper. It sounds like a lot of stuff, but it takes very little time to assemble (because you don’t measure) and nothing needs to be cooked.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      For the automatic grabbing of habitual junk foods, have you tried disrupting the habit in a “meta” way?

      Such as: visiting a different store, walking the aisles backwards of your usual route, making yourself find each item in the exact order you write it on the list (or if that’s what you usually do, making yourself find things in a different order), even something silly like doing everything with your non-dominant hand while in the store.

      When you want to stop doing something on autopilot, it can help to totally scramble your autopilot altogether.

      1. Ethyl*

        Yes, this is really similar to advice out there about quitting smoking — it’s really helpful to change the *habits* that co-exist with the cravings, or at least I found it helpful.

        Y’know, The Other Dawn, another thing might be working with an intuitive eating coach or dietician. Check out The Fat Nutritionist for some resources on intuitive eating. It could help to work through the relationship to those particular foods, y’know?

        1. Lilysparrow*

          Yeah, I heard about this from my dad. He used this method to quit smoking back in the Sixties. He even put his clothes on in a different order, drove a different route to work, and hung up the phone backwards at the office.

          Sounds silly but it helped him a lot.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Hm, that’s interesting. Tomorrow I’m planning to go to a grocery store I don’t normally go to, and I know for a fact they don’t carry either of the items I’ve been buying lately. So I guess that will disrupt the habit for this week!

    10. CatCat*

      I know a lot of people swear by the rotisserie chickens you can get at a lot of grocery stores and Costco. Tear it up and serve on a salad or with veggies steamed in the microwave. Put whatever sauce or dressing you want.

      I so understand the struggle with eating the junk food. I don’t even really WANT it, but eat it anyway and then feel bad physically and emotionally. Received a suggestion today for even if you give in to buying the crap or even start eating it, you can throw it away. Not committed to eating it just because you bought it/opened it. This kind of blew my mind, I admit. Probably because “eat all the food you’re served” is so ingrained in my psyche from childhood. Gave me something to think about for sure.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I have a VERY hard time throwing out food. It wasn’t ingrained in me to clean my plate, though. It was just something I did all on my own and then some, which is probably why I was overweight, then obese, then morbidly obese for most of my life. Even five years after surgery I have a hard time mentally with not being able to finish a meal.

      2. Arjay*

        This can be helpful in restaurants too. I’m full, but keep picking at the last few bites on my plate. It’s not enough to bother taking home for leftovers or not something that will reheat well, so I end up finishing it and then feel bloated and gross. If you dump a bunch of salt or hot sauce or whatever on it, you won’t be tempted to keep picking.

    11. Alexandra Lynch*

      I will also add that it is easier to not eat when you eat well at meals. I happen to enjoy cooking, but I am in recovery from eating disorders, and we’ve discovered that if we eat a meal that has a lot of flavors and colors and textures, plated nicely, we don’t want snacks. Candy? Pfft. I have DINED today.

  18. Marion Q*

    This is probably silly, but … how do you listen attentively to podcast?

    I’m very visually oriented, to the point of watching movies in my native language with subtitles. I’ve been wanting to start listening to podcast, both for pleasure and also for improving my (English) listening skills. The problem is that whenever I try, I can only focus for a few minutes before the voice blends into a murmur. I can distinguish the changes in intonation, but not individual words, if that makes sense.

    So … any advice?

    2. sb*

      Great question!

      I am SUPER visually oriented as well, which makes me wonder how I’ve developed an intense podcast addiction. I guess I am always doing something else while listening, most likely driving. So my eyes and brain are focused on one thing and my mind is focused on the podcast? I have no idea, but I’d love to know more about this psychology lol.

      Also, I am convinced I have undiagnosed ADD or ADHD, so I always need to be doing more than one thing at once, or else I lose focus immediately. So maybe the multitasking thing helps when listening to podcasts.

      Or maybe you’re listening to crappy ones!!! I have plenty of suggestions if needed!! :)

      1. Marion Q*

        Thanks! I’ve tried multitasking, but I’m generally a one-task-at-a-time person, so I end up missing a big chunk of the audio because I ‘forget’ I’m listening to something. I’m still trying to see what is it I like in a podcast, so maybe I’d ask for recs one day :)

    3. Lucy*

      I have Auditory Processing Disorder and my experience of it is very like you describe (plus other stuff in other situations). Before my diagnosis I would have described myself as “very visual” too.

      There are lots of workarounds for everything, but podcasts are really beyond me unless there’s visual reinforcement such as transcript or video. Phone calls are slightly better because you interact, so it stimulates different parts of the brain, I guess.

      You could have a look at APD and see if any of the description pertains to you more generally. In any case, coping techniques for APD may be useful to you whether the diagnosis applies or not… and since they include turning subtitles on by default, you may find you’re already employing some.

      1. Marion Q*

        Wow, I didn’t know it’s a thing! I’ll definitely look APD up. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you get diagnosed?

    4. Dear liza dear liza*

      I have to do it while multi-tasking- either driving, or cleaning the house. I’ve tried while exercising but I think there’s not enough visual stimulation, so I tune out.

    5. Zathras*

      Find a task that requires just the right amount of focus to distract the part of your brain that wants visuals. It might take some trial and error to find the one that works for you. Knitting works really well for me, or household tasks like sweeping the floor or cleaning the bathroom. Anything that will keep your hands and eyes busy but which doesn’t require very much brain input. (I have to pause the podcast if I get to a tricky bit in the knitting!)

      The great thing about podcasts vs. the radio is that you can go back and replay – so if you realize that despite best efforts you’ve zoned out, don’t worry too much about it, just go back to an earlier point and try again. I have to do that all the time, and I’m not even listening in a foreign language.

      1. Marion Q*

        I’m generally not a multi-tasker, but that’s a good point that I might just haven’t found the right task yet. Thanks!

    6. Thankful for AAM*

      Not a way to listen to podcasts but this might help with English.

      My local library has kids books on tape, like 100 to 200 pages long books. They also have the physical books.

      People learning English listen and read the books together. They tell me it really helps with listening comprehension.

      1. Marion Q*

        I’ve done similar things – listening to the audio version of an article, but I just end up reading the whole thing only, since my reading speed is faster than the narrator’s pace. Funnily enough, I do well in listening test, which I think because it’s such a controlled environment.

    7. Parenthetically*

      I can ONLY listen attentively to a podcast if I’m doing something else that’s mindless to occupy my hands — washing dishes, folding laundry, cleaning my room, etc.

      1. Dino*

        This. My ADHD self can’t do it without multitasking. I love podcasts now that I figured that out!

    8. Dan*

      I’m a lot like you. I listen to them when I drive, am at the grocery store, at the airport, that sort of thing.

      But the style of podcast really matters too. For the most part, I can’t listen to podcasts that have only one speaker. There are some exceptions, but they tend to be on the shorter side (say 20 minutes or so) and they have to be well-narrated. I do have a couple in mind. But by and large, the ones I listen to need to have multiple speakers.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      I only listen to podcasts while in a vehicle. My vision is focused on the road so it’s easier to focus on audio-only stuff that way. If I’m not the driver I still somehow find it easier to focus on listening when I’m in a moving vehicle.

    10. Clever Name*

      I listen to podcasts when I’m doing visually intense but otherwise boring tasks at work. So like data entry or reviewing/sorting through massive sets of construction plans. I’m now also wondering if I have auditory processing disorder/adhd. My son has been diagnosed with both.

    11. ainomiaka*

      I will be watching this with interest, because I have yet to figure it out. I personally just don’t do podcasts.

      1. Marion Q*

        Well, at least I’m not alone? Hopefully you find something that works from the advice here!

    12. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I haven’t had much luck with this either. My brain just doesn’t prioritize audio input when visual is available. If visual isn’t available (such as in a darkened room), I will probably fall asleep.

      I gave up and now use podcasts as something to fall asleep to, which is at least useful as a way to get to sleep. I usually get about 10-15 minutes into them before falling asleep. I have also had some luck putting them on while doing really boring physical tasks that require both eyesight and my hands, but that only gets me about 10 minutes as well.

      The only thing that has worked well is to also have a transcript of it so I have the visual, but most people don’t make transcripts of their podcasts. (I always have captions on when watching movies/tv at home, too.)

      1. Marion Q*

        My brain just doesn’t prioritize audio input when visual is available.

        Me too! I use the hearing-impaired subtitles because I’ve missed so many auditory cues when watching movies, which sucks when the cues are important plot points. Listening to podcast while reading the transcript doesn’t work for me mainly because I’m a fast reader so the audio simply doesn’t keep up.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I read much faster than I listen, too. When available, I pre-read the transcript so I already know what the audio will say, then decide if I want to actually listen to the thing or if reading is enough.

          Informational audio I probably won’t listen to once I’ve read it, but I’ll enjoy audio dramas as long as I’ve already read the script and find the story interesting enough to go through it again properly (this is also my preferred strategy with live theater when possible), or non-fiction about music with the music and talking interspersed now that I know the main points of discussion.

          The first audio-only thing I really got into was The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio series, which I read the script book for and then got the cassette tapes to listen to since I was a big fan of the book series. I don’t know that I would have gotten nearly as much out of listening to it if I hadn’t already read the scripts several times through. (It also helped that I had a bus commute with a 30 minute section between transfers, so I could listen to one episode each way each day on the bus.)

    13. MindOverMoneyChick*

      I can only pay attention to podcasts when I’m doing something else with my hands, like folding laundry or cleaning. Sometimes I listen to them when grocery shopping or going for walks as well. But there has to be something else besides just listening.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      I listen while I’m taking my walk; I’ve taken the same walk so many times with a fast-paced music playlist that I don’t really need it anymore. Now it’s become podcast time. Since I don’t have to pay attention to where I’m walking beyond keeping an eye out for traffic, I can just listen to the podcast.

      I still get distracted sometimes when they say something that sends my thoughts off on a tangent. If so, I just pop my phone out and back it up a little.

      I also listen while cleaning the house, another mindless activity (and the podcast makes it bearable, since I kinda hate to clean).

    15. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I think practice may help. Especially since you are learning the language. Your brain will get better at listening and at English as you do both more. They are both skills that need to be practiced.

      I listened to a lot of books on tape on long car trips as a kid, so I think that skill is permanently impressed on my brain. I’m pretty sure it’s the same for my siblings, one of whom is very visual and one is kinda ADHD. Obviously it’s too late to train your impressionable young brain, but adult brains are pretty teachable too.

      Do you zone out, or are you not able to understand any more? If you are zoning out, that’s pretty normal. I’d suggest short and really engaging podcasts until your brain adjusts. If you aren’t able to understand any more, that’s likely to be a brain issue, maybe APD like Lucy suggests?

      1. Marion Q*

        Do you zone out, or are you not able to understand any more?

        Both. I’d zone out after a few minutes, and when I try to get back to listening, the words have blended together into a murmur and I can’t figure out what it’s saying. I have the same problem in my native language, though it’s slightly easier to untangle the words. So yeah, seems like it’s more than just concentration issue.

    16. Fran*

      I listen to podcasts when I go for a walk. Usually once a week and trying to find podcasts around 30 min long.

    17. LCL*

      If you are doing this to improve your English, consider looking elsewhere. Podcasts tend to be done by subject matter experts, or people who are otherwise obsessed by the subject. Most of them have little to no training in how to speak for an audience. A good resource for you would be our public radio, NPR. They have an extensive web site and often have transcripts. One of their podcasts, this American life, is relatively easy to understand and has extensive transcripts available. Teri Gross on NPR is really crisp and clear, just don’t pick up her spitclicking tic.

    18. Sami*

      I have similar issues too. The only workaround I’ve found is to listen in bed in the dark. Yes, there is always the chance of falling asleep, but so far so good.

  19. Llellayena*

    So…wide awake at 7am on a weekend because my mosquito bites started itching too much to ignore. Not my favorite way to wake up!

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I like putting rubbing alcohol on them – stings a bit but helps the itching and decreases infection.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Benadryl gel with antihistamine. ..just a dot on the bite is all it takes.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, 2-4 hours is the best you’re going to get from a topical. I prefer topical steroids, but they have to be reapplied too. I’ve often woken up in the night to regoop myself.

    3. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      The venom in many bug bites, especially mosquito bites, can be denatured with heat. I put a microwave hot pack on mine, until it’s too hot to tolerate. You can also look up “mosquito bite zapper” on Amazon to find some battery-powered heat wands, if you’re hiking/camping etc. I have the Therapik one.

      Once you heat it up, it’ll stop itching shortly after. It is *magic.*

  20. Been Around The Block*

    I spend a lot of my paycheck helping to pay for a family member in a nursing home so I don’t have money left over to buy the kinds of clothes I should be wearing to work. I am also an odd size and have never had much luck shopping at thrift stores. I can’t afford make-up so I don’t wear it. I wear the same shoes until they have holes in them. I don’t even get my hair cut by a hairdresser — I wait until it gets long enough to flip over my head and then I cut it myself. The clothes I do have all came from cheap big box stores year ago and they look like it. I wear the same things for years week after week. I’m tired of being the shabbiest person in the office. Any suggestions for looking a little less like the office Bag Lady?

    1. Llellayena*

      See if there’s a Dress for Success location near you. People donate office attire that is then available to women who can’t afford it. I can’t guarantee the fit, but tailoring clothing that almost works might be cheaper than buying the clothes that already work. And DfS might have connections for free/donated tailoring too.

      1. valentine*

        A financial or other counselor to delve into whether you need to be this austere.

        Store credit cards with deferred payment and regular credit cards with 12-month 0% APR balance transfer offers. Beauty school that will give you a discount in exchange for the practice? More expensive, longer-lasting shoes. Black and charcoal pants, maybe two each, but more tops, especially ones you can mix and match. Maybe a few shells in colors that will go with everything.

        1. pcake*

          The OP has a family member in a home and is contributing. My mother’s care home cost $4,000 a month, and I doubt that any financial counselor could have helped with that – it’s a lot of money, period. The cheaper ones either have 2 residents in a single room – and even then they tend to run to just under $3,000 a month – or charge a la carte for things so that it would have cost us over $5,200 a month for my mom to live in one with the assistance she needed.

          Our system isn’t set up for this, and not very many families I know can afford to spend an extra $2,500 to $5,000 a month without doing without.

    2. Book Wyrm*

      Dollar store have make-up, would it be within your budget to grab a few minor things there? Lipstick, blush, eye shadow, just a handful of make-up supplies to get you by?

    3. legalchef*

      What style clothes are you looking for? I’ve found that old navy will often have good deals on clothes (and almost always have coupons online), especially if you aren’t suuuuuuper picky about color. The clothes won’t last forever, but might be a good option for a few new pieces.

      Also, if you want to change up the clothes you are wearing, maybe some accessories, like a brightly patterned scarf? You can often find those cheaply, or if you know how to sew maybe you can kind of make your own from fabric remnants?

      1. Not Me*

        This is a really good idea about the accessories. You can get a few neutral basics and then change them day to day with different accessories, which you can find easier than the right size pants/dress/skirts.

        Check with the staff at the thrift store or Dress for Success if they know anyone who can do alterations for a good price. You can alter a piece of clothing pretty inexpensively but it’ll make a world of difference in the way it fits, which will make it look a lot more polished.

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        I second Old Navy, and if your odd size is a smaller one, H&M. It’s best if you go in person, since the fabric quality can vary from item to item a lot, but both sell plenty of business-casual basics.

        Stores like Gap, Banana Republic, and LOFT can be expensive, but their outlet versions are much cheaper, without compromising quality.

    4. teach*

      Makeup is not a requirement, but if you like it, you can do some searches for popular items and “dupes” which are drugstore versions at less cost. Ultra has sales on drugstore brands and allows returns if you don’t like something. I find that I like how I look with a good CC cream to even out my skin and hide my dark circles ($15 every 6 months) plus dark brown mascara ($8 every few months) and a tinted lip gloss ($5 every six months.)

      1. Bex*

        It also doesn’t take much to look more polished. Even though I have a ton of high end makeup, the one that I use almost every day is a $5 NYX brow powder/wax set. It lasts me over a year and with mascara (L’oreal, $10) and a touch of eyeliner (NYX again has great inexpensive ones) I look way more polished and put together for minimum time seems minimal cash.

        Also, a real haircut at a beauty school or even supercuts will make a huge difference.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I second this. OP, maybe pick a couple of things to focus on, whether it’s accessories or a feature or two. For me, brow pencil and tinted lip balm make me feel more put together.

          Also, taking care of your hands/nails can be an inexpensive way to feel more polished. Neatly filed and buffed nails, and moisturized hands, go well with everything.

    5. Policy wonk*

      One of my favorite blazers came from Target, bought on sale. It doesn’t have to be expensive, and you don’t eed to buy everything at once.

      Start with one piece you can use to pull -together separates you already have like a blazer or jacket in black or another neutral color that works with what you have – it can cover pants or shirts that aren’t great. Start with one item and build as finances allow.

      And your iron is your friend – older shirts and pants look a lot better if they are crisply ironed.

    6. Ranon*

      Poshmark and ThredUp run slightly more expensive than physical thrift stores, but the size ranges are better and if you know your measurements (a tape measure is your friend, here) you can figure out what will or will not fit pretty well, especially on Poshmark where sellers are often willing to do measurements of the item for you. I agree that a good blazer can tie a lot of things together, too- plus it will cover edges of things where the wear starts to show first.

    8. Nerdgal*

      Odd size how?
      This is a big group, if you say more specifics there’s a good chance there will be someone with a similar build who can pass on some tips.

      1. Been Around The Block*

        I am size 12 on the bottom and size 4 on top. That limits what I can even get into by way of clothes.

    9. Ginger ale for all*

      Look in your wardrobe for the outfits you look great in and note the brand and size. Then go to eBay and type in that brand and size and check out the results. If you don’t have any outfits to crib off of, go to a department store to see which brands suit you and their sizes. I find that getting sizes that are s,m,l, etc are more forgiving to fit into from eBay than the 6,8,10, etc. Also, try to get a color scheme going where you can mix and match various pieces easily. Right now, my scheme is black, blue, gray, and white. I accent with green.

    10. matcha123*

      To keep your clothing from getting stretched out, look for some mesh laundry bags to put them in. I have worn the same clothes for years and they still look good because of the bags. I have seen them at IKEA, if there’s one near you or you can order online from them.
      For clothing, take a weekend or whenever you have some free time to walk through your nearest mall. You don’t need to buy anything, but check out the styles and make mental notes of similar styles you might have. Try on some clothes you normally wouldn’t wear and take pics on your phone/write down the brand and sizing for future reference. Years ago I was surprised to find the GAP has very steep discounts on clothing. Like, I’ve gotten coats for $30 that originally went for $200. The same with Banana Republic and Old Navy.

      I’m also an unusual size in that I’m short, broad shouldered and other things. This is why I suggest trying things on at stores. I’ve always felt pressure to buy, but I am working my way past that. Try it on, and snap shots from different angles, and if I’m not completely sold on it, put it back.

      I don’t wear much makeup. It looks really overdone when I do. What I have found is that if I trim my brows and fill them in, my whole face looks ‘nicer’. If you have some old makeup, or friends that can help you out, you might be able to find a cheap alternative to the “full face” routine. I highly suggest applying lotion to your whole body after you shower, if you aren’t doing that already.

      For hair, if your area has a school for hair stylists, they may be able to trim or style your hair for free or for a low cost. Since I don’t know your hair type, it’s harder to suggest anything…especially since I really only cut my hair once a year. Some places might do cheaper ‘dry’ cuts where they don’t wash your hair.

      Hope that helps some. I’m sure you know about thrift stores, etc. But most of the things I mentioned were ones I didn’t find out until I was well into my late 20s.

      1. The Kerosene Kid*

        Matcha123, I second all this great advice you gave. I was going to say something similar, but you said it way better. I’m not a make-up wearing person, so that’s not applicable to me, but still super-good tips. Especially YES to finding a student to work with you about your haircut. All of this visual presentation stuff DOES have an impact on your mood/outlook/emotions, so it’s worth taking seriously.

      1. jolene*

        With your dimensions, black/navy trousers or a skirt, then a really bright patterned top will balance you out the best. Look for non-crease fabrics that are machine washable.

    12. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I buy a fair bit of clothing and accessories on eBay. It’s easier to find specific sizes of used items. Most sellers are happy to give you specific measurements and you can set yourself a limit of how much you want to spend including shipping.

  21. Not Quaking*

    I live in Los Angeles but I’m out of town for work and honestly, I’m mad that I’m missing the earthquakes. I should be glad as they’re scary af but I miss all the interesting stuff and I’m worried about my house.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I’d hate to be away from my house when something like this happens. So far it sounds like the damage isn’t too bad despite the magnitude; fingers crossed that your place is okay.

    2. Dan*

      I lived in LA for a few years, and did experience one small earthquake — not big enough to make the news. I was at work at the time, and my boss and I were in different parts of the building. The quake started, and we both walked outside. I just looked at him and said, “So this is it, huh?”

      The weird thing is that I’ve experienced more quakes outside of LA than I did living there. Once when I was in grad school in Ohio, I felt the ever so slightest of shaking in my 7th floor apartment. It could easily have been confused for bass, but it was an actual very slight shake. I looked at the seismic monitoring records, and apparently there was a small quake in Illinois and I was feeling some of the vibrations. There was also an earthquake in Virginia in 2011 that was felt for quite a distance, and even damaged the Washington Monument. I felt that one.

    3. KR*

      Down in Palm Springs area and we had some shakes and swaying but no damage. Hopefully this helps some of your fears – it’s a similar distance.

    4. Pam*

      As an LA-adjacent person, I can tell you that we got things swaying and rattling, but not broken. My sister didn’t notice the July 4 quake, as she was walking around the yard.

      The dogs were more bothered by the fireworks than the earthquakes.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Someone on Twitter said they know it sounds weird, but hearing about quakes makes them miss California, and I’m like, same. Quakes or not, I still wish I were there and not here!

      I hope your house is okay. I feel that way about severe weather when I’m at work; I want to be home with my stuff so I can grab it.

  22. Lifesempossible*

    Hey everyone, new(er) reader and first time commenter! I’m in the midst of wedding and with the advice to “do what fits you best,” (which is the consensus here!) I was hoping for an honest opinion on a couple things:

    1. Is it tacky to have people seated in their dinner tables for a 20-minute ceremony? The whole rearranging the room seems a hassle.

    2. I found an adorable set of dresses on amazon and was thinking of matching the exact dress style with the bridesmaids, just with the color difference (me in white, them with eggplant). Is that weird?

    3. I have a huge extended family that I’ve already decided I’m not inviting for the dinner portion. It’s just too much money and overall they haven’t been supportive of the relationship thus far. However, to keep the peace and make it a fun time, the fiancé and I decided to open up the dance portion of the reception for everyone. What is the best way to write an invite for this? Do I even expect gifts? And how rude is it to make it a cash bar at that point in the evening?

    Like I said… I’m expecting most people to write “you won’t make everyone happy, so just do what makes sense to you.” Yet if you have strong opinions on any of those questions, be honest so I know!

    1. valentine*

      1 (ceremony in the dinner space?) & cash bar: Do it.

      2. If there’s no variation in the dress and not everyone is happy in the sleeve or waist, or would be thrilled to wear trousers/a skirt/a kilt or whatever, what about asking them to wear something formal in eggplant and letting their outfits be as varied as they are?

      3. Don’t invite naysayers at all? they haven’t been supportive = not a fun time, so why not dove them literally any other day (okay, maybe not during the honeymoon, either) and let this be a time for people who want you to be with the person you want who wants you right back? (And anyone who doesn’t like it can also go kick rocks. The other day’s thread made me wonder what ever happened to everyone gathering to share your happiness.) I would be concerned these people or other semi-invitees would crash the dinner or ceremony. Do they know the date or can you invite them to a party on a different day?

    2. Agnodike*

      1. It’s unusual in my experience (in my mid 30s, so I’ve attended a lot of weddings in the last decade, mostly traditional Western-style in North American and Western Europe) to seat people at their tables during the ceremony but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. I feel like it might give a bit of a “dinner theatre” vibe but if that matches with the general feel of your wedding (casual/nontraditional) then who cares? People might be a bit confused, though, so I’d put something in the program or on the seating board and on the wedding website to explain it.

      2. That sounds extremely cute and also economical since wedding dresses are many times the cost of bridesmaids’ dresses. Order early, though, in case the dresses aren’t as good in person as they seem online, or need a lot of tailoring.

      3. This one is going to be really local-culture-dependent. Where I’m from, a cash bar is extremely rude at any point in the evening; my dad flat-out said he would not attend my wedding if we had a cash bar, and I think he was only 60% joking. Where I live it would also be really rude to have two tiers of guests, but a friend just got married in the UK where it’s apparently common to have three events (ceremony, dinner, dancing reception) and to have a bunch of guests that don’t overlap all three events. But if the people you know haven’t done it or you haven’t seen it done a lot locally, I would be concerned that your grumpy relatives, who it sounds like are already not 100% on board with this marriage, will be offended and grumpier still if they feel they’re second-class guests. (Just don’t invite them. Don’t have someone who isn’t rooting for the success of your marriage celebrate it with you.)

      1. Grace*

        Yep, British weddings often have evening invitations. It’s not controversial at all to have a smaller wedding and then invite more distant relatives, neighbours, colleagues, etc to an evening buffet/dancing that carries through to midnight or the early hours. The only issue would be if you’re inviting someone that needs to travel a long way and you’re only inviting them to the evening celebration.

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        When I lived in Boston, a lot of people did partial cash bars. Basically, you had the bar open for a fixed period of time, or capped the bill at a fixed number of dollars, and when that was reached, it switched to cash bar. Nonalcoholic beverages were free and unlimited the whole day.

        It works well, because most of your guests are going to have a responsible amount of alcohol, and they’ll get their drinks in before the bar switches over so they probably won’t even notice you switched, because they already switched to water/soda/coffee. The few people who are affected are the ones who like to take advantage and binge on “free stuff,” and honestly nobody feels bad cutting them off. Plus, the Free Stuff!!! types tend to be the ones who turn into drunken messes by the end of the night, and it prevents that.

    3. Caterpie*

      I’m planning a wedding too, best of luck with everything!

      1. I think this is ok, the one issue is that some people may be facing away from where you and future spouse will be, so are you ok with people potentially having to twist around or move their chair to see the ceremony? I was just at a wedding where guests had to do a lot of furniture and room rearranging so I understand your desire to avoid this!

      2. Not weird at all, sounds cute!

      3. Would you be inviting the people to the ceremony, have them skip dinner, then return for dancing? That might be kind of awkward and logistically difficult for them, but if they don’t even support the relationship and you’re not close to them I wouldn’t worry about it. I’d just be really upfront about it (and the cash bar) on the invitations and if they come great, if not, you can enjoy the event with the people you’re inviting to the dinner.

      2. CTT*

        Thirding-that concern for #1. I was just at a lunch event where I had to be turned around in my seat for the whole thing and look around a column. It can work, but I think you need to road test it from every angle.

    4. Overeducated*

      Is this all in the same space, with tables set up? I’m not sure it’s quite considerate to invite a bunch of people to obviously come after a lot of the event (or come for ceremony, leave, and come back later). Could you have a single guest list and do a later casual family party if you need to celebrate with them?

      1. Grace*

        It’s very culture-dependent. In the UK, an evening invitation (evening buffet, cash bar, dancing) is very standard for more distant relatives, neighbours, colleagues, less-close friends, etc. We got an evening invitation for my cousin’s wedding, and we just brought a card and caught up for a few hours while snacking from the buffet.

        1. Overeducated*

          Fair. I’m in the US and have never heard of this. I do think it would come off poorly if the guests have also never heard of it, so depends on the context….

    5. Ali G*

      I don’t think #3 is going to have the outcome you want. Basically you are saying you can come watch me get married, but you can’t eat, but maybe we will let you in to buy yourself some drinks later? If the ceremony is in the same room as dinner (as it sounds from #1), how would you even do this?
      If there are people you don’t want at your wedding for whatever reason (or you can’t afford to feed them – which is fine!), don’t invite them.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        Midwest here. The seating, the dresses, and the cash bar no one would blink an eye at. The inviting people (guessing these are relatives) “just to dance and hit the cash bar.” , there is not enough Thorazine, Haldol and Xanax in the universe to deal with that blow back. Especially if they know you have felt not supported by them.

        Don’t play the passive aggressive game. Don’t invited them. Don’t give them that righteous bone to gnaw on for years to come.

        It is one thing to tell your 20 something friends, “My family has X amount of dollars. This is a relative heavy event. I would love you to come for drinks and dancing.” Even I (older than dirt) wouldn’t be offended. Different ball game punting Aunty Buffy, cousin Biff, and Uncle Biffer to dance and cash bar, because they have been jerk faces.

        What people do round here is have that small wedding with people you really want, then have a picnic or some sort of smaller, casual event for the people that couldn’t be invited to the wedding proper.

        I know bridal sites kick this A list B list C list idea around. People who come to the ceremony only. People who get invited just for the DJ and munchies after the big stuff is done. People in my area, who have different guest list have had huge problem afterwards, especially when Table #9 C list are relatives.

        Don’t invite and have a small cheaper gathering for the ones you are *meh* on inviting.

    6. Llellayena*

      1) I attended a wedding where we sat at our tables for the ceremony. It was lovely!

      2) Go for it! If you love the dress(es) that’s all that matters.

      3) I agree that if the relatives are difficult, don’t invite them. The ceremony is the important part of this and I assume the dancing is last, so how would they come to the ceremony and the dancing and skip the dinner in between? And cash bars are a bit tacky (though plenty of people do them). There are other ways to limit the alcohol budget: beer and wine bar with a signature cocktail, just champagne only for the toasts, (this one might be a little tacky too but…) drink limits with tickets.

      Just remember it will all be wonderful no matter what because you come out the other side married!

    7. Lucy*

      1. Is it tacky to have people seated in their dinner tables for a 20-minute ceremony? The whole rearranging the room seems a hassle.

      Assuming everyone can see and hear the ceremony, this sounds fine. Even if I thought it was unusual/not my preference, “tacky” wouldn’t come into it.

      2. I found an adorable set of dresses on amazon and was thinking of matching the exact dress style with the bridesmaids, just with the color difference (me in white, them with eggplant). Is that weird?

      Matchy-matchy is less popular than it used to be, but one of the best-looking weddings I remember had bride and bridesmaids all in the same shape dress (cute 1950s knee length, HUGE skirt) but with the bride in off-white and the bridesmaids in different pastels suiting their own colouring and tastes. Strong recommend.

      Also I sang a wedding where the bride was in ivory and the bridesmaids in bronze but same dress. Very Strong Lewk.

      3. I have a huge extended family that I’ve already decided I’m not inviting for the dinner portion. It’s just too much money and overall they haven’t been supportive of the relationship thus far. However, to keep the peace and make it a fun time, the fiancé and I decided to open up the dance portion of the reception for everyone. What is the best way to write an invite for this? Do I even expect gifts? And how rude is it to make it a cash bar at that point in the evening?

      This is standard in the UK, cash bar and all, and is known as an evening invitation. The invitation itself reads something like “Jane and Wakeen would like to invite Susan and Karl to celebrate their marriage at venue at time on date.” It would be considered bad form to send an evening invitation to someone who needed to travel any significant distance, but it’s absolutely standard for colleagues, neighbours, less close friends, etc, who wouldn’t have to stay over to attend. It would typically be 8pm onwards, with some informal food served around 9pm (bacon sandwiches or fish and chips are popular at the moment; I’m also used to a hog roast or cold finger buffet). You should feed them something even if you don’t buy the drinks. Some couples save the cake cutting for this part so that everyone sees part of the rituals. The timing must be sufficiently well managed that the event does restart at 8pm (or whenever) so that all-day guests are still down to party and the new arrivals don’t have to wait around awkwardly.

      1. Lucy*

        Oh and a British person definitely wouldn’t expect a big gift from an evening guest – more along the lines of a bottle of nice wine or a photo frame than a full set of good bed linen! – and it wouldn’t be remarkable to give just a card.

      2. Grace*

        Yep. Evening invitations are a very standard thing at a British wedding.

        My cousin got married last year (our branches aren’t that close – I last saw him at our nana’s funeral a decade ago, and I last saw his brother at my christening over twenty years ago!) and we got an evening invitation. Dropped by about 7pm with a card and our best wishes, caught up with other members of the family that we hadn’t seen in years, celebrated the cutting of the cake, cooed over the little bridesmaids, ate a bit at the buffet and had a slice of the wedding cake, and then headed back to a hotel at 10.30 or thereabouts. We could have gone home without too much trouble, it was less than an hour’s drive, but a cheap hotel was easier.

    8. Vet in Training*

      I’m also planning a wedding and hate hearing ‘Do what you want, you’re the bride!’ I know I’m the bride and the bride wants advice, people!

      1. I think is a little weird but if you managed to do it smoothly so everyone can see then that might move it from ‘weird’ to ‘quirky’
      2. Not weird at all.
      4. May depend on where you are… It’s pretty common in the UK to do ‘evening’ invitations where you just come to the reception after dinner – google can help you find some wording options for invitations. Cash bar is also by far the norm here and the Scots keep telling me they can’t be trusted with an open bar but my American family would find it quite tacky. So you’d have to know your guests.

    9. WellRed*

      No need to invite huge extended family at sll. But especially if they are unsuppprtive. I think having two tier guest list will not help you avoid drama or keep the piece. I’ve never been offended by a cash bar, but having open bar for the A list and not the D list is probably not going to come across well. Finally, a good rule in life is to never expect them, but be delighted and gracious when they come your way.

      1. WellRed*

        By never expect them, I meant gifts not guests, but I suppose it applies either way.

    11. Maybesocks*

      Suggestion: how about beginning with chairs all already facing the ceremony location? Then afterwards half of the guests need to turn their chairs around. Doesn’t seem like a burden to me. Also you could use a temporary riser or low platform so that everyone could have a great view.

    12. Lifesempossible*

      Hey everyone!
      Thanks for the replies so far :)

      To clarify: for #3, the ceremony and dinner are one set of invites, and then the after party would be open to casual friends, extended family, coworkers, etc. Sounds like what people are describing as in the UK. (I live in MN though.) So we wouldn’t ask people to leave and come back or anything like that. We would definitely have appetizers served during that portion of the evening as well.

      1. Reba*

        If it’s at a *different venue* I can see that working–although I still don’t think I would do it. I have been to UK weddings as described in this thread, where they move venues (to a restaurant or pub) and more people are added. I’ve also been to wedding celebrations in the US where the ceremony was private or immediate family and the reception was open to many more guests. (We actually did something kinda like this in a second location; I know budget is a concern for you so a second event is not a solution.)

        Honestly, my initial reaction to #3 was to actually gasp aloud! In my home culture anyway (midwest-near south), that just would not fly; to me it reads as kindof wildly rude. To be clear, I am not a highly rule bound person and had a self-scripted wedding. But this seems like a compromise where everyone just feels worse. Imagine showing up to a party that’s already going, when it’s obvious that the main event has passed and it’s in your face that you’re not top-tier invites. Coworkers are one thing, but these are already-strained relations–so with whom would you be keeping the peace with this unusual, ripe-for-uncharitable-interpretations invite?

        If you don’t want them there, don’t invite them and explain the event is small.

        Good luck with the plans and congratulations!

        1. Ginger ale for all*

          I had the same reaction to the two tiers of guests. Imo, don’t invite people to half of the party.

          If you want, you could just have a family only cocktail party a few weeks afterwards to invite the unsupportive people and frame it as a mini family reunion/family addition party. Why have the haters attend your happy day?

      2. b*

        Ex wedding photographer here; #1 works just fine, let your venue/ planner know so they can arrange the optimal seating for this.
        #2 can be a problem if your bridesmaids are of vastly varied heights/sizes. A better way to go may be to give each pe r son a color swatch and some style directions ie tea length, v neck, long sleeves etc.
        #3 nope, this will definitely cause issues. Tiered guest lists will hurt some folks feelings, not what you intended. If you sre worried about the bar tab try a beer and wine only open bar or a very limited time open bar. I have seen a champagne toast an the only soft drinks after.

    13. HannahS*

      1. Absolutely this sounds like a great idea! As long as it seems like most people are going to be able to see, I think it’s very sensible.
      2. That seems really sweet!
      3. Hm. I’m not sure this is a good idea. Do you think your relatives who aren’t supportive of the relationship would want to come to the dance portion? When money is tight, I often see couples invite everyone to the ceremony and then fewer people to dinner and a reception; I’ve gone happily to weddings like that as a guest. To me, the message there is “We want the support of the wider community but we can’t afford to feed everyone.” Fair enough! But if you’re inviting people to just the dance–what’s the message? You don’t want their support at the ceremony, and you can’t feed them, so what do you want from them? I don’t have an opposition to cash bars, but I don’t think it’s very gracious to invite a set of people whom you don’t allow to come to the ceremony or eat and then ask them to pay for their drinks. And most people will equate an invite to any part of a wedding with an expectation of gifts. I think the best options are either: don’t invite them OR invite them to the ceremony only OR invert the order of things so that you eat first and then invite everyone to the ceremony and dance OR invite them for the dinner and dance only OR invite them to the dance but have some snacks and drinks available.

    14. Traffic_spiral*

      #1. No problem, people won’t mind.

      #2. Online ordering is risky. What you see in the picture is often not what you get. Go Google some “expectation vs. reality” websites to see how that can go wrong. Other than that, no problem.

      #3. Oh no. Nooo…. Don’t do that. “I don’t like you enough to want you here, but I guess you can show up… provided I’m not buying your drinks or anything…” That’s not going to keep any peace. Just having a small wedding is fine. Making clear 2nd class guests is insulting.

    15. Lost in the Woods*

      1. The one problem with this I can see is people needing to twist around to see the ceremony. I think it depends on the physical setup of the space, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with it!

      2. That sounds adorable and very financially smart.

      3. This is hugely dependent on location. I live in the western US and have attended a lot of weddings (huge extended family). If it’s not part of the culture, it’s going to come off as rude. My cousin got married last year, and they had a revere situation to what you’re describing, there was a sort of second reception party for my cousin and her now-husband’s friends (no family invited). My parents still occasionally bring up how rude they thought it was, and honestly it did really feel like there were first-class and second-class guests. If you don’t like these people very much, you are under no obligation to invite them. Just say that due to finances you had to keep things small (which is true!). No one is ever entitled to a wedding invitation, but I think depending on the culture there will be certain expectations of what a wedding invitation means, and in the US (at least from what I’ve observed), that means the whole evening of the wedding. Not inviting them might ruffle a few feathers, but overall I think will come off better in the long run.

    16. hermit crab*

      Guests were seated at their tables during my wedding ceremony, and it never occurred to me that it would be tacky, haha. We were all outside under a big tent and the two of us & our officiant just stood in the center. However, the actual ceremony was only about 5 or 10 minutes long so nobody had to stay turned around for a long time.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        Same for me Hermit Crab! Tent in my parent’s yard (garden for you UK folks!). They just turned their chairs for the ceremony part.

        Love the dresses idea but I think this is one where your preference is the most important.

        I’m with those who think you will not solve the unhappy relatives part with a 2 tier invitation.

        Can you turn the night before and what is traditionally the rehearsal dinner into the “fancy” and more expensive dinner with your closest friends and relatives? Then have a more buffet/hors duerves and less expensive party after the ceremony that everyone attends?

    17. Jemima Bond*

      1. It’s unusual but if it’s a very short civil ceremony I’m hard pushed to think of a good reason why it would. R a problem
      2. Sounds adorable! They could have white flowers in their posies and you could have white and dark purple in your bouquet!
      3. Inviting some people in the evening because you can’t have everyone to the ceremony and main reception is TOTALLY normal in the UK so just pretend you’re British lol. What couple often do is send those guests an “Evening Invitation” – they are literally called that on wedding stationery or you ca get a rubber stamp etc if you’re crafting your own. You just invite them to join you for an evening reception and tell them that a light buffet will be served (this is usual – nothing major, cold finger foods usually) and what time they should arrive etc. One wouldn’t normally include details of the gift list (registry) for evening invitations.
      Also a cash bar here is TOTALLY normal. A wedding where all drinks are paid for are a bit more high-end here, a bit posh. I always have cash in my minuscule fancy handbag for a wedding, in the assumption that there will not be a free bar and I might want a glass of wine or two while I’m dancing!

  23. Sled dog mama*

    My “vacation” has officially started! I’m super excited to take little one to the beach (she’s excited too). The thing only down side is that we’re going with all of mother in law’ family. 35 people, 32 of which are staying in one house. Hubby, little one and I are staying in a condo three houses away. This is still going to be a long week and not much of a vacation for me.

    1. valentine*

      Hubby, little one and I are staying in a condo three houses away.
      Excellent.

      This is still going to be a long week and not much of a vacation for me.
      What if you reverse this, starting by severely limiting the times you grant them an audience? Maybe a lot of letting them have time with just hubs and sometimes kid also?

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m on vacation too! (Mostly a working vacation, but it’s in the Caribbean so I’m not complaining!)

    3. Dan*

      Oof. Who thought that is a good idea? How much crap did you get for being a party pooper?

      I took a legit vacation over Memorial Day for two weeks (except mine are never relaxing) and then had to travel for work for a week after I got back. So this weekend is four glorious days of doing absolutely nothing, and I’m loving every single minute of it. I need to do this more often.

    4. Kathenus*

      I’ve co-opted something I heard recently (may have even been on AAM), that if it’s family-related it’s a ‘trip’, not a ‘vacation’. While it doesn’t help the underlying potential craziness of your particular trip, the mental reframing has actually helped me and some friends with realizing that a family trip is generally not going to be the same relaxing/refreshing experience as a vacation. So in a weird way it helps.

      So smart to stay separately, also don’t hesitate to carve out immediate family time – be very open with the rest of the family that you three are going to have some time/experiences to yourselves, and others with the greater group. Hope that overall it’s a fun time.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Thank you, this will help a lot. Hubby and I have agreed that the 2.5 days we’re taking to make a six hour drive are going to be more vacation than the week at the beach.
        This is the only time I’ve felt fortunate to suffer from chronic migraines, we said we were getting our own place since it wasn’t realistic to expect 17 under 15’s to be quiet enough when I get one. No one has given us any problems which is amazing.

  24. Jaid*

    So my apartment complex has gone the lazy route to get us set up to Fios, by having contractors drill holes in the wall that lead to the outside and putting the wires in those. So there’s all these ivory colored tubes sticking out of the building, one for each apartment.

    Oh and I didn’t see them put any sort of insulation in the hole or anything to keep leaks out.

    Sigh.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I would check on the sealant because I’very seen how many bug’s get in around badly fitted screens, let alone walls.

    2. Gatomon*

      Tell your landlord that the installer did a poor job of sealing the penetrations. They should come out and fix it.

    3. NewReadingGlasses*

      If you’re extra lucky, those tubes will be just the right size for mason bees or other burrowing bees/wasps to nest in. Fun!

  25. To Margaret in Sri Lanka*

    I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. Have things settled down there? Have you gone back to work? Do you feel safe now? I’m hoping for a return to normalcy and stability soon for you and Sri Lanka.

  26. Volunteer or Free Labor*

    I was telling my mom how much I want to do some volunteer work but a lot of the places I want to volunteer with, including an equestrian riding group for therapy for kids, have strict time commitments/shift work hours that won’t work with my real job commitments. My mom, who rides horses and knows that I’d like to spend more time around them, said she has a friend who is getting up there in age and has two or three horses she owns on her property who would love to have a hand once a week to care for her horses, like feeding, mucking their stalls, and grooming them.

    Part of me wants to say yes so I can get some time around horses but part of me is annoyed that rather than volunteering for a greater cause like I wanted, I’d be helping one lady who is probably wealthy enough to hire help if she really needs it. Obviously even if I did this, it doesn’t stop me from doing volunteer work I want. Just not sure how I feel about this alternative.

    1. KatieKate*

      Can yo do both? I know you wanted to volunteer with horses, but can you let yourself work with these horses and volunteer elsewhere for a different cause?

      1. Volunteer or Free Labor*

        I can definitely do both, it’s just that this was making me pause that I’d be doing free labor for someone who isn’t really ‘in need’.

        1. valentine*

          Don’t do it. It’s not an alternative; it’s extra, free (to everyone but you) labor.

    2. WellRed*

      Are you sure you wouldn’t be paid? For that matter, are you sure she’s wealthy?

      1. Volunteer or Free Labor*

        My parents are pretty well off and their friends are all similar wealth status. Plus to be able to own multiple horses, especially on your own piece of property in an area that I know is for the wealthy, it’s not a big stretch to think this friend is, not rolling in riches but wealthy enough. And it would be unpaid because I was with my mom when she emailed her friend and she said volunteer. She did say her friend would probably feed me dinner if I came to help, but it would definitely be a no money kind of thing.

        1. fposte*

          “Volunteer” is a super-sketchy word to use in this context. If it’s not clear, I do not like this lady.

    3. fposte*

      Yeah, that’s free labor. I don’t doubt that your mom’s friend would love to have some; wouldn’t we all.

      The equestrian world does a lot of shady things on the grounds that mere access to horses is a privilege; it’s their version of the non-profit’s “sacrifice for the cause.” I did a job like this years ago at an actual boarding stable, so it was massively illegal, but I did get riding privileges in exchange. Would you have those? Without that I’d pass. It’s not that it’s so terrible to groom and muck, it’s that this arrangement is really taking advantage of you.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Yes, I was going to ask about riding privileges. One of my previous stables had this as an option, you could be paid in riding time for stable chores. Without that exchange (or the equivalent barter if you aren’t into riding), you are free labor and could start resenting it. I’d recommend that you keep looking for the right volunteer fit.

      2. Lonely Aussie*

        Yeah that’s my thoughts as well. The horse industry is fueled by the free labour of mostly young women who work for the love of horses.

    4. TR*

      Can you ride the horses? It wouldn’t seem that unusual to have an arrangement where you help out in exchange for riding time. Just barn chores with nothing in return doesn’t seem worth it.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Also, it’s likely that you would have trouble disengaging if you wind up not liking it. With a volunteer org, you can back out (if need be) if you don’t like the way they handle the mission, find another opportunity that needs you that you like better, take a vacation, etc. You are still at the “explore dating” stage of learning about opportunities. It’s too early to tie yourself down to one that isn’t even a real charity.

      With this “free labor” job, you are on the hook (and uninsured?) working with horses, and max getting a free meal out of it (with someone you may or may not even want to know better). The beauty of a real volunteer organization is that you would get to meet new people as well as advance the mission and the greater good.

      If she is getting up there and can’t afford someone to take care of her horses, maybe you could help her find an organization to take them? (sorry for the slight sarcasm, but that seems to be the extent of the involvement that you should do for someone who is not really a charity).

      Just saying….

    6. families!*

      I’m in a big city so maybe this doesn’t apply but there is an organization here that basically acts as a warehouse for volunteer opportunities. A lot of groups use it to recruit volunteers so there is a huge diversity in the opportunities available and some are one time things and some are more regular but you don’t have to sign off on any regular schedule. So for example, if I notice I have time on date x I can go online and see what opportunities there might be and sign up. I’ve been able to try things out that I wasn’t sure about but that gets away from the having to commit to a schedule that doesn’t work with the rest of your life.

    7. Not Alison*

      Just a thought about whether or not there are any horse rescues in your area? Many horse rescues are totally volunteer run and would greatly appreciate your help to muck stalls, water, etc. This is how I get my fix of horses (one day a week mucking, watering and then grooming two of my favorite sanctuary horses).

  27. Rebecca*

    Oh man – posted open thread on Thursday – Mom fell Wednesday morning in the house, while trying to change her clothes, and broke her right wrist. It’s been set and casted. She doesn’t need surgery. She’s home for now, and I’m scrambling to find help with her when I go back to work on Monday, as it’s a holiday weekend.

    I left for errands Wednesday morning, and she was outside pulling weeds from around the house (which is pointless, she won’t let me spray, it needs to be dug up, landscape cloth, stones, etc) but it tires her out and whatever. She went to get the newspaper as I pulled away. I was in the grocery store, my phone rang, it was a fireman from our local company, and he said she had fallen and had broken bones, and could I come ASAP, and he had called an ambulance. So, Wednesday was spent in the ER. I got her home, and I thought her whining and negativity was bad before, OMG, it’s 100x worse now. I reminded her this could have been much worse! As in, hip, spine, etc. as she has osteoperosis. And then, her gall bladder acted up, and she started throwing up, dry heaves, etc. on top of everything else. Why you ask? Because she ate a little too much peanut butter…and she controls her gall bladder issues with diet, which explains the bland, fat free, taste free, everything free food choices. She was told it could be taken out years ago, but no, she didn’t want that, so here we are.

    The ER arranged for an orthopedic doctor appt yesterday AM, and despite Mom’s insistence that she would need major surgery to fix this, it’s set correctly, big giant cast comes off in 4 weeks, then a smaller cast, as long as she doesn’t use her hand or otherwise compromise the break, and it’s sufficiently healed by then.

    This morning, the litany of complaints and just negativity is flowing freely, and I’ve escaped to my room to get dressed…really to type all this out. Honestly, she’s going on and on about what the patches meant on the uniforms of the ER staff, adulteration of supplements, why did they modify the cast so much on her hand, she’s going to have collapsed bones and need surgery because the doctor cut back an inch or so of the plaster on her hand (she probably won’t, the doctor said he wanted the cast pulled back a bit from her fingers so she wouldn’t have so much pain and swelling), what am I going to do, etc. etc. The best one was that she is going to call the county commissioners and complain about the 30+ minute wait for the ambulance! Um, we’re in a rural area, limited volunteers, way more people who need ambulance and care than care is available, but SHE PAYS TAXES AND FOR AN AMBULANCE SUBSCRIPTION!! I told her “going upstairs now” as her voice faded away as I went up the stairs.

    I have a lead on a possible part time caregiver, calling her this AM. She took care of one of the church members who recently passed from Alzheimer’s. Please, please cross all the things that I can get help during the day and weekends with her. Any formalized help will need to start with her PCP, then office of the aging here, etc. again, closed offices, holiday weekend, etc.

    Oh, you’ll like this. She has an appointment 20+ miles away, at noon on Tuesday, in the same town where I work, and my friend’s mother agreed to pick Mom up and take her, as his mother works in the same town too, but starts at 1 PM. I’m going to have to leave work early to pick her up and take her home. Mom’s reaction? “When I feel better, I need to take your friend and his mother out to lunch for helping me”. I just stood there. My vacation time is ruined. I have been running myself ragged for 3 days now, cleaning up barf, listening for jingling bells so I can help her get to the bathroom 12x per day or more, getting pills, groceries, doing basically everything while she orders me around from the chair, and not one bit of gratitude…but she’s going to have to take them to lunch. Am I wrong for feeling like, hey, maybe a little thank you would be in order here?

    I did sit down with Mom and I told her – some things are going to have to change. No, I’m not measuring urine (yuck). No, I’m not measuring exactly 1/2 cup of fat free yogurt, with precisely 4 strawberries. When I do laundry, it’s lights, darks, or whites – I am not separating pants and shirts and underwear and socks and doing them all separately. There are no laundry germs! And, since I’ll be getting the mail for the next 2 months or so, even though we have informed delivery, I’m getting her off these charity mailing lists. Yes, they are worthy, but my mother has anxiety, and now this, and I don’t need stacks of papers begging for money sitting there for her to stress about, and she does stress about it!

    So today I also need to see what’s clogging one of the downspouts, during last night’s lightning storm and downpour she was telling me the water was overflowing the rain gutter and I needed to do something about it. Um, not at this time Mom…lightning…

    If any of you are in PA, please contact the Yeungling Brewery and ask them to send along a pallet of Black & Tan :)

    1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

      fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes all crossed hoping you get the support you need to help (with) your mother. You need someone to step in and help so you can have some self-care too. The last thing either of you need is you run ragged and having an accident of your own!
      Please take care of yourself too.

    2. Llellayena*

      Oh my word, tons of sympathy headed your way. Is there any way you can leverage this into “you need more care than I can give, let’s look at supportive senior living places (assisted living).” On the short term, if you can get care coverage for a long weekend and you sew, there’s a fantastic quilt retreat near Erie called Needle in a Haystack Retreat. That might be close enough for comfort but far enough to relax. Wishing you peace and quiet!

      1. Ali G*

        I strongly second this! She is too much for you to handle anymore, and frankly, if she gets worse, she may no longer qualify for assisted living and then what? This needs to happen yesterday. I really worry that if you wait any longer it will be much, much worse for both of you.

      2. WellRed*

        Yep. Its time to consider the next phase. At any rate, keep removing yourself from her presence as needed.

    3. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Oh, Rebecca, save yourself!! You aren’t doing her any favors by burning out – then what would she do? By all means, get the help you need. Announce it in a matter-of-fact way. We are getting x help because I can’t do y anymore. And then the hard part, just don’t engage of she wants to argue about it! We had a family member with cancer and having a hard time at home, and his wife just couldn’t quite manage it all. He DID NOT want in home care. We told him that: his wife couldn’t do this anymore without harm to her health, he needed someone who was trained to do certain things so that HE wouldn’t get hurt, and if he didn’t agree to it then he would have to go to a hospice house. I hope you can forget the lunch and take the vacation because YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

      1. Rebecca*

        I have literally stopped her mid sentence several times this morning and told her to stop inventing problems where there aren’t any. It’s much worse now because she’s basically stuck in the house with this really heavy cast thing and sling, and she’s very petite, and now she has even more time to stress and worry and invent things that might happen that she isn’t worried about yet, but should be. I just grabbed an apple and yogurt, told her I cleared a clog from the spouting, and this started a rant about the terrible storms, all the rain, it’s so wet, I can’t get outside, climate change, those people and pollution from overseas, Joe Bastardi the weather guy (? not sure what he has to do with our current situation), the holly bush needs to be trimmed, everything is a mess, and I just couldn’t. I said “Mom, Stop. I’m going to eat a snack. Do you need anything right now before I go sit down?”. I ended up getting her some ginger ale. Now I’m eating my snack upstairs.

        I called the caretaker, and left a message, hoping she’ll call back today. I can’t go hiking today, but I am going for a 4 or 5 mile walk, depending on when the thunderstorms hit. Grass is way too wet to mow right now, but the sun finally came out…hoping to get that done today, too.

        I told Mom she will be getting up in the AM before I go to work, regardless of how much or little sleep she has, I’ll put cereal, milk, and a banana and that awful instant decaf coffee on the table so she can eat, and that’s going to be it. Her PCP needs to be contacted, and there will be help here. Honestly, if she just didn’t talk I’d deal with this a whole lot better. Her constant negativity is really stressful to me.

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          I got drained reading your nightmare about your mom.

          I had 15 years of that with my mom. The one thing I realized way too late is the negative talk is really about being 1) scared, 2) anxiety and 3) abandonment.

          Your mom isn’t stupid or demented. She can see the hand writing on the wall. One good hip fracture and her life will never be the same. Making you measure urine (seriously mom?), fussing over 4 strawberries instead of 5, all that petty BS are her attempts at control which she feels slipping away. If mom was controlling before, it will amp to the stratosphere if she really gets sick.

          Figure out what is reasonable to do for you to help out your mom, and not is what optimal in her book. She’d like you there 24/7. That will not work for you. Do this before the next medical crisis happens. Then tell her. I’m sure she will react badly. My mom did. Stick to your guns.

          My mom told social worker she had two daughters at home who could handle her. My mother was basically an quadriplegic, neither of us lived with her. I did patient care, and my sister had no clue were to start. The social worker was setting up mom going home with no help! My mother had no dementia, and we were not her guardian. Reversing all that was a fun series of phone calls, and a very angry social worker. Don’t put it past you mom to tell health care workers alternate reality stories. Lol..

          Good luck.

          1. Rebecca*

            Oh no, I am not letting her tell them I can handle all of this. I work full time, I don’t have unlimited time off, and I want her signed up and in their radar NOW before something else happens, which it will, it’s only a matter of time. She got off easy this time. She can’t open things, can’t handle a 2 qt jug of milk, so I’ll have to put it in a smaller container, but even then, she can’t manage lids with one hand. I know this must be awful for her, and I’m sorry, but this is what has happened. It can’t be reversed. She just told me she wanted precisely 3/4 cup of greek yogurt with 4 strawberries. She got 5 and several generous spoon fulls of yogurt. I’m not taking the extra time. If she wants precision like that, she’ll need to wait until the cast is off, or hire a chef.

            1. tangerineRose*

              Glad you’re getting them involved. Take care of yourself. She sounds like she’s running you ragged.

    4. The Francher Kid*

      No advice to add, just internet hugs from someone with the same sort of mother. I once got a second job because she had a meltdown saying she couldn’t afford Christmas gifts for anyone because she was behind with all her bills (she lived in a rent-controlled assisted living complex). I worked 70-hour weeks for four months, caught up her bills, let her pick out presents and paid for them–only to have her tell me she had bought (on her own) an add-a-pearl necklace with 7 pearls for her teenaged granddaughter because the granddaughter loved her. Turns out she was behind on her bills because she had paid for expensive modeling lessons for the same granddaughter after her parents refused. My mother followed that up with a demand that I get cable installed in her apartment and pay for it every month.

      It took me a long time to realize I had been raised to be a doormat and learn hard “no.” It’s really hard at first but it’s worth it.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My wise friend used to say, we can’t let ourselves turn into basket cases that others have to take care of.

      She is going to keep doing this stuff that she does. It does not matter if you are in the house with her or laying on a gurney in the ER. It’s all about her. And always will be. Yes, this will keep getting worse until you decide something different is necessary here. BTDT. Back to boundaries are a good thing.

      At this point I am more concerned about you. She has set her path and she is sticking to her path. But you have a whole life ahead of you.

      1. Rebecca*

        She chose this for herself. She chose to ignore internal organ issues, the surgeries to put everything back into place failed, she could have had her gall bladder out but didn’t, the whole bladder thing, all of it. All on her. Now, the shit is hitting the fan, so to speak. And she’s failing. I can see it, and I’m sorry it’s happening, but these things happen. It’s life. Her nastiness, negativity, and sanctimonious views on everything have driven most people away. No one visits her, she doesn’t get many calls, I’ve heard her call people but the conversation always devolves into her health issues for the past 20 years. No one wants to hear this over and over. That’s why we are getting help. And hopefully the PCP will get things moving. I really feel she should be in assisted living.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          This is tough just to read about, knowing how much you accomplished to extricate yourself from your marriage and now dealing with this situation. I hope you, your mom’s doctor, and her caregiver as a united front can overcome her obstinance, so she can be in an assisted living situation to get the care she needs and you can have your life back.

          1. Rebecca*

            Thank you, this will be an uphill fight. She’s so set in her ways, everything has to be done one certain way, everyone else is wrong, and she has the moral high ground on everything. Plus, she’s a retired RN, and knows everything about medicine, even though her training started in the 1950’s and stopped in the 1970’s. So unlike my friends who can tell their mother that lorazapam is for hives (or whatever ailment), I can’t do that. Now the reality is sinking in, there will be no driving for about 2 months or so…and it’s hard to sit in the car and ride with that cast…and some totally unqualified person will be picking up her food at the store (me!). Oh man. She complained that I wasn’t following her exact food instructions, and I told her that somehow I’ve been feeding myself for decades, I’m still alive, and she’ll live.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              If you were still married (let’s say happily and thus not living with her), what would be the plan for your mom? I hate to think the timing of your split means you get stuck with this, when there are probably other approaches!

              1. Rebecca*

                That’s a very good point – it was a holiday weekend, I was on vacation, so if I wasn’t living here, because I don’t have kids or other responsibilities, and my old house was 3 miles away, I’d come over and stay, like I did when my Dad had surgery and the week before and after he passed. I’m an only child. But otherwise, if this was a regular week, people not normally on vacation, I think she would have to go to what we call extended care. It’s at the hospital, not a nursing home, but there are attendants to make sure meds are taken, patients are taken next door for appointments, that type of thing. We live in a rural area so not a lot of choices. Tomorrow Mom has to call her PCP to report this, and the PCP needs to contact our Office of the Aging to get a caseworker involved, and then we go from there.

                I could apply for FMLA if needed, since I’m eligible, but I don’t want to go down that road yet. I hate to sound selfish, but what if I fall or am in an accident, I may need that time too.

                Right now, the biggest thing is meal prep and bathing. I’m hoping to get a caretaker for 3 hours in the middle of the day, at least, so when I’m at work Mom can get a bath, have a good lunch, and have some company, and hoping to get someone else on the weekends for the afternoon on Saturday and Sunday, same thing.

                1. not Lynn Davis*

                  Completely understand not wanting to use up PTO and/or FMLA you may need later, but just for your own info you may want to check with HR (if the exist :)….our FMLA is 12 weeks per incident. IF yours is, you may be able to do intermittent FMLA to protect your job if you need off for mom appointments or “crises” at home, and still be able to do FMLA if you personally had an incident later in the year.

        2. Wishing You Well*

          Assisted living sounds like the best place for your mom. Caregivers need to be vetted with a background check and credit check unless they’re part of an official caregiver business that guarantees their good behavior. Please believe me on this.
          My grandmother’s caregiver stole groceries and searched her house for more to steal, but Grandma was very poor. So the caregiver made off with just food, as far as we know. A relative of mine is a caregiver and she’s so unqualified with so many issues herself, it’s scary but she keeps getting hired as one.
          When Grandma was moved to assisted living, she was put on anti-anxiety meds. Grandma wasn’t happy, but her diet, meds and activities were monitored 24/7 as they should have been. For whatever reason, Grandma could not release herself from the facility. Thank God, since my parents were having to manage her issues long distance.
          Rebecca, I’m worried about you and I’m hoping the best for you and your mother. Please get any and all help you can think of to make the future better. I’m sending all good thoughts your way.

          1. Rebecca*

            Oh, I know this all too well. When my mother in law developed dementia, and had home health aids assigned from agencies in the area, they actually sent a woman who was convicted and spent time in jail for shoplifting!! I found this out by checking her on our unified judicial system online. She lied about her hours. I lived 5 houses away, and I’d check on my MIL after this person was supposed to be there, and it was clear there was little or no care. I walked up and waited out of sight to wait – she was supposed to be there between 5 and 7 PM. No show until 6:15, then left 15 minutes later, but the slip inside was filled out for 5-7 PM. My MIL was extremely poor, and no pain meds, so nothing to steal, but we took the checkbook from the house too. This same woman was arrested last year for writing checks and stealing money from my coworker’s aunt, still working for the same agency. Because this woman was familiar with the house, my MIL, how to get in, etc., we requested another caregiver as we feared some sort of retaliation. Honestly, none of them were great, and it’s sad because they are paid so little. Back then, they got $8.00/hour, while the agency was charging medicare $16/hour or more.

    6. Jaid*

      All I got is hugs. And virtual Black & Tan.

      I wish I could be there to loudly say “Oh, Rebecca, you’re helping your Mom so much, Rebecca’s Mom, you must be soooo grateful to her, amirite? The things she’s helping you with, I certainly couldn’t do that for my mother!”

      Just saying.

    7. LuckySophia*

      Hi Rebecca — I have been following your posts and send hugs and second everybody’s advice to do whatever you can to protect your own health & sanity. Not sure where in PA you are located, but someone I know in Lyco Co had very good luck using the services of an org. named “Visiting Angels”, to help out an elderly female who could no longer drive. I believe they offer a wide range of services…I think their web site will give you more info & help you find the closest regional office to you. I hope that is a helpful resource, even if you only use them for backup when your other part-time caregiver is not available. Also I think the local Office on Aging (if that’s the right name) might be able to advise you about best time to arrange things like a Power of Attorney and/or a Medical Power of Attorney. Hang in there!

    8. BunnyWatsonToo*

      Fingers crossed. I’ve been through trying to line up home health care, it can be exhausting. To help with the lesser issue of charity lists, try catalogcoice.org. Sign up and then create a profile with your mom’s info. After that all you have to do is locate the charity, choose your mom’s profile, and ask to stop mailings. Catalog Choice contacts the charity and submits your request. That way you stop the mailings without having to make the contacts yourself and you have an online record of your requests. Some charities won’t accept this method, but I’ve found that most do.

      1. Rebecca*

        No, it’s with the ortho doctor, they want to do another X Ray to make sure the bones are still in place. It’s the only time slot available, and we are in a rural area, so lots more people than doctors here. Very fortunate to be able to get in, but apparently they make time available for emergencies.

    10. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I am sending you all the virtual moral and emotional support I can muster. You have been an inspiration and an example of pushing forward positively – sometimes I wonder how you came out of her loins.
      You are right – she did bring this upon herself. Do NOT burn yourself out trying to do more than you should. (not can, should… I’m looking at the lack of appreciation, and your physical health here).
      Lots of good advice. I have no more. I’m so sorry that this is coming right on the heels of the settlement hassles.

      But it is a good time to start saying “Mom, be realistic – you are going to need help from here on out.” And then just press forward with your plans. She will never agree.

      One of my mom’s friends is super-negative. The elderly friends all avoid her calls. The (6) children – 3 nurses, two retired – refused to have her live with them, and put her in a nursing home. Just brought it on herself. A lifetime of negativity, criticism, and chronic complaining… ended up driving everyone away. It’s sad. But…. they all admitted none of them could stand her “with” them. (And this is a strong, religious immigrant community, where it is rare to go into a nursing home – the last generation, grandparents lived in the little cottage behind the big farmhouse, and then in the home with the family… ). But not when one is unbearable.

      Hug, hug, hug. Wish I was close enough to take you out for that much needed beer.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thank you so much, that means a lot. I talked to Mom at length yesterday about getting help during the day while I’m at work, and said this is exactly why I wanted you to go get signed up and ready for senior rides here in the county. I asked her to do this repeatedly over the last 7 months or so, she drives to town multiple times a week for one reason or another, and the office isn’t out of her way and is easy to get to. She just didn’t do it. And I pointed out because you delayed, now we have a problem. I’m also going to extend help to the weekends, whether she likes it or not, because I cannot be a full time caretaker and work full time on top of it, with no down time. That’s a recipe for burnout.

        1. Lora*

          GOOD. You must take care of yourself. Also, it helps having another person to be there and say, “this isn’t normal/right”.

          My mom burned through caretakers, none lasted more than a couple of weeks – as her mother did too, though with a different mental illness. And it was helpful in a way because it helped me realize that this isn’t normal even in the realm of dementia and old ladies with Issues: other women her age in her old apartment complex who had caretakers to help with their Parkinson’s or whatever hung on to their assistants for years, because doing a few meal prep things and helping an old lady with her bath and clothes and laundry really ISN’T that difficult if she just talks your ear off about her grandkids and daytime TV the whole time. It’s when they’re giant a-holes that caring for them becomes nightmare fuel.

          This isn’t normal. It’s normal to be tired of her crap, for sure.

    11. Observer*

      This is so tough. I’m glad to see that you’re looking for all the help you can get.

      Make sure to keep in contact with the social worker – the good ones will recognize what’s going on if you are proactive.

    12. Observer*

      This is so tough. I’m glad to see that you’re looking for all the help you can get.

      Make sure to keep in contact with the social worker – the good ones will recognize what’s going on if you are proactive.

      Lots of luck!

    13. Willow*

      “Am I wrong for feeling like, hey, maybe a little thank you would be in order here?” Absolutely not. My dad is also a pain to deal with, and there is definitely the Prodigal Son Syndrome (I just made that up) going on. The person who does 90% of the work with him annoys him, so the 10% person is the return of the conquering hero, I need to take them to lunch to thank them for ALL THIS HELP.

      Speaking from experience, it helps to just be able to loudly gripe about all this, is there an EAP at work that could find you a counselor, just to talk to, but also maybe for some advice on how to deal with this?

      Internet hugs if it will help.

    14. ajen*

      This might be a little late, but in case you end up needing it – if the jingle bells reference mean you’re using an actual bell, caregiver call systems like CallToU are great since they have buttons that can be placed or worn, and ringers you can put where you need them. (the one I have has a default of a door bell – I suggest setting it on something else or else you’ll have a reaction to every door bell in real life/on tv like you’re being summoned). It’s better than straining to hear a bell, especially in the middle of the night.

  28. Am I being weird about this?*

    Am I being weird about this?

    A friend asked me for a favor. I was ready to do it.

    My spouse was going to help too but we had a few limitations given it was last minute.

    The friend said they don’t need my help anymore but thanks for trying and appreciative and all.

    I still feel really bad and really wanted to help. I am worried that the limit we set made them think it wasnt worth it to ask me for help.

    Apologies if I’m being vague. I can provide more detail if necessary.

    1. A Simple Narwhal*

      I think you’re overthinking things. You offered help and then they said they didn’t need it anymore and thanked you for your offer. Unless you hear that they’re still asking around for help, it sounds like they just didn’t need it anymore.

    3. Not Me*

      I think you’re overthinking it.

      There have been plenty of times I ask a couple different friends “hey, can you watch my dog while I’m out of town next week?” and whoever says yes first gets the pup snuggles. That doesn’t in any way mean I don’t appreciate the others. I’m not saying this is the same exact favor your friend asked for, just an example of how easily it happens and has nothing to do with you.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      This is pretty normal, just my opinion.
      We ask friends for help, realizing the request is short notice and we have to take what we can get. “Oh my dog got sick. Let me just take care of him and get him settled and I will be over in an hour.” This stuff happens. The friend at that point can say, “I am actually okay here and don’t worry about it.”

      Sometimes people figure out that a task/favor is less of chore than they thought.
      Sometimes people tell another friend, “Jane said she would come but the dog is sick so she’s late.” Then the other friend responds, “Tell Jane, to take care of her doggy. It’s no big deal for me to do this with you.”

      You’re okay here. No problems.

    5. Am I being weird about this?*

      Thanks everyone. I thought about it a lot today and was able to sort through my feelings b/c I have a tendnecy to overthink and get paranoid.

      So basically my friend asked for my help in moving. I had found out earlier this week they had asked others but not me — i wasn’t the least bit offended by that. They then asked the day before so I said sure. My spouse insisted on coming and helping tooo and spouse placed a few limitations. I told my friend about the limits and that we’d be there on time, and they said they didn’t need me. Ofc Instead of being relieved I felt like “oh shit I am useless to them now.” I know this wasn’t rational b/c our friendship isn’t like that and my friend hasn’t ever made me feel like that.

      So I think the real source of frustration was with my partner b/c they insisted on coming along whereas if I had been alone, I could have easily done it an wiht less drama.

      1. valentine*

        the real source of frustration was with my partner b/c they insisted on coming along whereas if I had been alone, I could have easily done it an wiht less drama.
        This is still over-the-top unless partner doesn’t trust you or something else similarly negative and it’s fine to have, say, a time limit. If it was more like they could only do two hours, so both of you would “have” to leave then, that assumption would annoy me and I’d avoid that. You seem really invested in getting to do this when it’s difficult manual labor that is considered such a chore, there’s a whole Seinfeld about it. Are you sure you don’t feel hurt/slighted/left out because friend didn’t ask you originally? (Although, is drama just a word or do you really mean partner made a big to-do about it?)

        Step back. Any other intersection of partner and friend that’s got your goat? Does friend not appreciate you or do you feel you’re competing and losing? Keep stepping back until something clicks. There must be other opportunities to help, but if not, great, because it means friend is set and you can just enjoy each other.

        1. Am I being weird about this?*

          Idk if I’d say “invested” in doing it, it’s done and over with. No, I wasn’t offended when I wasn’t asked originally, just felt bad I couldn’t help when I was asked. I’m not sure where I need to “step back”? I’m not bombarding the friend with texts and calls?What?

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I think valentine meant step back in the context thinking about what else might be bothering you in this story.

            Many times (but not always) when we cannot console ourselves over something it is because we have not correctly identified what it is that is bothering us.

            I have had this happen to me enough times. Again, not everyone and not all the time. So this is just a random thought that might be useless for you.

            1. Am I being weird about this?*

              Ohh that makes sense. I think I figured out what was really bothering me. There’s two things, I just don’t know which one is weighing more.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Back to my wise friend, (I was so lucky to meet this person), he used to say that typically there is more than one thing going on. If it was just one thing probably we would not have a strong negative reaction. Ordinarily we would probably just work through the situation and life would go on.

                So to be totally thorough, a good response to this would be to do something to address both things that might be bothering you the most. Then see where that puts you.

          2. Maj*

            Your entire thread is about how you’re invested in it, so I don’t think that’s an unfair point…

    6. Alex*

      I can relate to this a lot. I’m the kind of person who shows love and affection by offering assistance (I mean, not the only way, but it is a primary way).

      When I can help my friends, I get immense satisfaction and pleasure, because it feels like they are accepting my love for them.

      And when my help is refused, it feels like a rejection of that. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that this is just the way *I* think, and someone telling me that no, my assistance is no longer needed isn’t a rejection of *me*. I know this logically but sometimes it takes a great effort to remind myself of it!

      1. Am I being weird about this?*

        Hmm that’s a good way to look at it, I didn’t think of it like that.

  29. Damn it, Hardison!*

    All geared up to go to Target and the grocery store early this morning but my car had other ideas. There was a terrible grinding sound when I turned it on, and then metal on metal clanking sound when I started to drive. The sound went away with 5 minutes, while I was on the way to the dealership. So now I’m sitting at the dealership (which fortunately is pretty nice) for who knows how long. I was looking forward to getting my errands done early and then having the rest of the day to do stuff at home and maybe take a nap but that may be out of the cards.

    3. Rebecca*

      I’m so curious as to what this was! My mind is thinking cam shaft…but you’d certainly have a sensor screaming at you if that was the case. Please update us!!

    4. MsChanandlerBong*

      Let us know what happened! I am dealing with car issues now–what a pain! My husband said the oil light flickered for about 1/2 a second the other night. He parked it and let it cool, and then he checked the oil–no oil in it! Not a drop of liquid on the stick. Just dirt. Now there haven’t been any puddles or droplets under the car, there’s no oil spattered on the underside of the car, etc., so I knew it probably wasn’t a leak. The dealer said the PCV valve was bad, but my brother is a mechanic, and he told me to keep an eye on it b/c he’s had 15 vehicles and he’s never had a PCV valve go bad, especially when a vehicle is still under warranty like mine is. The dealer wants us to check the oil weekly and bring the car to them every 3K miles so they can check and record the oil consumption (or we can take it in sooner if we notice it is getting low). If the oil consumption is deemed excessive, then they will have to call corporate and see what they want to do.

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Turns out there were several things wrong! The rear brakes needed to be replaced and the brake fluid was low. The heat shields (metal plates under the front part of the car) needed new clamps to hold them in place. That was all done Saturday. Next Saturday it’s some kind of belt and a part for the air conditioning.

      All of that and they don’t know what the sound is, maybe the starter because it occurs when I first start the car. After 5 hours at the dealership I came home, and then went back out a few hours later. Made the same grinding sound on start up, then a sort of clanging sound only when I would press down on the gas from a stop (like at a stop sign). It went away within a few minutes, but any unusual sound makes me nervous. I think I’ll ask them to wait a couple of hours after I get to the dealership and then start it up and drive off the lot. So, more fun (and big bucks) next weekend. But, I guess it’s to be expected with a 9 year old car.

  30. Stitch*

    I have had trouble with my wrists since I was a teen but since I had a baby it has been so much worse. I can’t really avoid picking him up and I work a computer writing heavy job so it just sucks. Braces and the ergonomic stuff don’t really help either. Just a little frustrating.

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      I had that problem! Carpal tunnel in pregnancy, a short alleviation afterwards then de quervians tenosynovitis (sp is probably wrong!) I had therapeutic ultrasound which helped for a while but didn’t fix it entirely, then a steroid injection which fixed it permanently. Maybe one or both of these things could help? Good luck, it really sucked to be in agony picking up my baby :(

      1. Stitch*

        I have read conflicting things on whether the steroids are okay while breastfeeding but I would be interested in it.

        1. Sam Sepiol*

          I had the injection when kid was about 9 months old I think and I breastfed him until he was 5.5 years old. Was definitely ok for me! It was a one off injection.

    2. No Name Yet*

      Ouch, I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, both my wife and I had wrist pain when kiddo was born, but it got better when he got more mobile (so not being carried 100% of the time), and when he transitioned out of the infant car seat (it was awesome, so brutal on the wrists). Hope yours also gets better!

    3. Stephanie*

      I’ve had trouble with my wrists off and on since my daughter was born, and she’s 20 now. I finally ended up going to physical therapy for it a few years ago and it helped a lot. One thing that I still try to be mindful of is to scoop when picking up something heavy, rather than use my thumbs. If that makes sense. Use a scooping motion instead of hooking your thumbs under, especially when lifting your baby.
      A lot of it for me is postural, and also related to a pinched nerve in my neck. I wish I had more helpful advice, hang in there. See a doctor if you can–I would recommend a specialist if you’re able to (a hand specialist or orthopedic surgeon is where I would start).

    4. Clisby*

      Sorry you’re going through that – I had it with my 2nd child. Not carpal tunnel – I think it was some kind of tendinitis. I could type and use a mouse just fine, but anytime I had to pick up my son, it was agony. I was seriously afraid I was going to drop him. Wrist braces and ibuprofen worked for me, but I’ve heard some people have good results from steroid shots. I wore the wrist braces for more than a year.

  31. Bad Brain*

    Lately, I keep having ‘bad brain’ thoughts about my friendships. I keep having anxious thoughts that my friends don’t actually like me, don’t want to spend time with me. I know this is silly; I spent all last weekend with my friends and I have a trip coming up next month with a few of my closest friends, so I can actively see my friends happily hanging out with me and dropping money to travel with me, but the thoughts still pop up. How do you fight these anxious thoughts?

    1. LQ*

      …This might sound odd, but honestly I don’t. Beware if your bad brain can’t eat itself for breakfast this may not work for you and you should skip.

      “Ok brain, you want to play that game we can play that game… So what if everyone you work with thinks you’re entirely incompetent and that nothing you do is good. What, are they pretending to think you’re good for what…the sake of your feelings? No one, and I mean no one would put that much work into actually liking you, let along FAKING it, ugh you are so self-centered. Seriously, you are so damn full of yourself, get over yourself. The most likely answer is they think you are doing a good enough job so whatever. Just keep at it and let go of your ego.” (Actual self conversation from earlier this week.)

      For the most part, I use the bad brain thoughts against my bad brain and it …kind of mostly works to keep me on keel. I think this doesn’t work for a lot of people. But sort of pointing out how egotistical it is to think that people are folding over on themselves to pretend, aka making their behavior about me instead of about them, is really helpful for me. It’s sort of weaponizing my self-defeating attitudes against myself…

      1. fposte*

        Heh. My version of that is “If fake friendship looks and behaves exactly like real friendship, do I really need to care which one it is?”

        1. Bad Brain*

          In middle school, I had a bad friendship group that felt real to me. Then I got some distance and realized how much my friends mocked me and made fun of me. At the time, I laughed and went along with it because I thought ‘You joke with friends, I can take a few jokes at my own expense’. But I realized how much that fake friendship, that did feel real, shook my self confidence.

          My current friends, I do know these friendships are real and true. But the bad brain pops up to say ‘What if it’s all fake again?’

          1. fposte*

            Ah, that’ll mess with your head. But focus on that part where you went along with stuff at your own expense as a kid. Are you doing that now?

            I’ll also raise the possibility that in middle school the mockery is as capricious and complicated as the liking, and that some people who unkindly mocked you or were part of the group *did* really like you. Maybe they wanted the favor of the alpha more, or were irritated with you that day, or awkwardly felt that was the bonding thing to do. But even in middle school it’s pretty unusual for a group of kids to deliberately include somebody in event after event and not like her at all. I’m not arguing oh, it was all fine, they really were your friends, but that the mockery wasn’t necessarily revealing a secret truth any more than the friendly stuff was. And adults are generally better than middle-schoolers at handling this stuff, if only because they have the option of not seeing you at school.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      When my thinking tanks the first culprit I look at is rest. How much rest have I been getting or NOT getting?

      The next thing is food and hydration. Skipping meals? Forgot the water bottle one day? ugh. I know I am going to start to feel draggy and random thoughts will start running through my head.
      A drink with electrolytes in it can help in small ways, so can extra rest.

      I am always amazed at how dehydration can cause thinking to tank. It’s just so important to keep up on water intake every day. And now it’s hot so it’s even more critical.

      1. Asenath*

        I learned “HALT” – check to see if I”m hungry, angry, lonely or tired when my thinking starts getting a bit off. It’s surprising how often regular food and rest will help, and then of course you can consider if you’re really angry about something else or feeling isolated, and it’s coming out that way.

    4. BeanCat*

      Hey, Bad Brain. I have OCD, anxiety, and depression, and I am all too familiar with bad brain.

      I’m still working on anxiety myself, but when I feel like my friends secretly hate me I try to remember I’m mostly friends with people who have little problem speaking their minds. If they’re unhappy, I will know.

      Here’s the process when I have an OCD thought, which I’ve found are similar to or knotted up with my anxious thoughts. I stop, I physically tilt my head, and I tell myself “Hm. That’s an OCD thought. It’s a brain blip and it’s not real, so I’m not going to give it attention. I’m going to (insert thing I can do very mindfully like listen to a song, watch a video I like, draw something, etc).” Rather than trying to fight it, I’m acknowledging it’s a thing and recognizing it’s not a true thing, so I can put it behind me.

      Hang in there! Mental stuff can be exhausting, and I hope you get some relief. Your friends sound like they love you :)

  32. Gloucesterina*

    I have a parenting-related question – advice from folks who have been parents and/or had parents or other close caregivers would be very appreciated!

    I have a four-week work trip coming up, where I’ll be away from my 4.75 year old child and my partner. The background is that I am starting a new job in a new state, and the apartment we found won’t be available for move-in until 4 weeks after my start date. I will be staying in temporary housing while my partner and child stay home in order to allow my child to finish up his preschool summer session. I’m also under the gun to finish my PhD dissertation during this trip, so it is also functioning as a quasi-writing retreat; I will working very intensely on top of starting the new job.

    What are your thoughts on how to help and connect my child through this long stretch of being long-distance? I am pretty worried. We’ll definitely plan to Facetime on a daily basis, but given his age and distraction level, historically he has not been able to sustain meaningful phone conversations, lol. I have talked to his preschool teachers, and they mentioned things like talking about things that I’m seeing in new city. I will also scan some of his favorite bedtime books so I could read them over the phone to him, and plan to send him snail mail messages every day or two, because he loves receiving mail. Any other ideas?

    (Btw, we won’t be talking to him about the move until it gets closer to our moving date, since he would think that it was happening right away.)

    Thank you!

    1. Marcy*

      You might want to wrap up some dollar store items in advance as little gifts he can open while you’re away.

    2. WellRed*

      A countdown calendar, like an advent calendar. Like all your other ideas and Marcys suggestion.

    3. Agnodike*

      I am a parent who travels frequently for work, and when I was four, my dad was living in another city doing his Master’s. I was super worried when I first started doing longer work trips, but actually when it came down to it I was mildly offended that my kid didn’t miss me more (although she’s a bit younger than yours).

      My spouse puts me on speakerphone during supper time so I “join them” for supper, which we all really like. I ask about kid’s day and spouse’s day, tell them what I’m doing, tell them what it’s like where I am, and that keeps us connected until I get home. It’s a lower-pressure situation than a dedicated phone call or video chat, and it gives a kind of a sense of normalcy since usually the evening meal is when we all catch up and chat when I’m home. If you guys like video chatting they could video conference you in instead of having you on the phone.

      The biggest thing for us has been framing our interactions while I’m away as me being excited to talk to them, not sad that we’re apart. The first couple of trips I would say how much I missed them, etc., and the report I got back was that bedtime was very sad, but now I say stuff like “I love talking to you guys and I’m glad you both had good days. Thanks for telling me about them! I’m having fun here at work and I’m excited to see you in x days when I get home. Hope you have great days tomorrow, I love you” etc.

      Your snail mail idea is awesome. I still have all the letters my dad wrote me while he was away, which were intensely exciting to receive at the time and make me feel very pleasantly nostalgic now.

      1. Gloucesterina*

        thank you agnodike! I appreciate the suggestion re: positiving framing of the convos!

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      he has not been able to sustain meaningful phone conversations

      I think it’ll be different when it’s a parent he’s having a video conversation with. :D

      A friend of mine had to move a couple of timezones away from their toddler for about 5 years. Skype sessions around bedtime were a daily or near-daily routine. Now my friend is back in the same timezone, a couple of cities away, and the parent-child relationship has stayed super strong the entire time. The 4 weeks’s separation for you guys will go by in a flash, I’m sure.

    5. Policy wonk*

      Other poters have already covered most of what I’d recommend, Facetime, goodie bags, but don’t forget snail mail. Kis love getting things in the mail! If you are flying, grab some postcards at the airport when you arrive, and send one every couple days. And a small gift from the city you are in during your trip. Maybe send a t-shirt he can wear to tell people “my mommy’s there for work.” (My kids still talk about getting gummy lobsters from Rhode Island. You never know what will resonate!)

      1. Gloucesterina*

        I’ll be in Madison WI so something cheese themed feels appropriate, lol! thank you–

    7. Clever Name*

      My 12 year old doesn’t sustain phone conversations…. I think FaceTiming daily is great. I think even just a few minutes is perfect. Kids perceive time differently than adults do, so a conversation that seems super brief to you will seem long and be more impactful for him.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      For under-fives, I’d also recommend sending photos or videos of little moments during the day that he can look at when he’s ready. Sometimes a scheduled event like a video call doesn’t match up with his feelings/needs at the moment. And there’s a certain amount of emotional pressure to “perform,” which a lot of kids have an aversion to.

      When we went through a long work/life separation, we set up a private YouTube channel, so we could capture little slices of life and upload them. The kids also liked being able to watch certain ones over and over.

      This would be in addition to live calls, of course. But he may have more to say to you on his own time, that he would when he’s put on the spot. Ours did.

    9. Venus*

      I read something years ago which said that the best age for being separated is usually 5-10 years old because they know you well (not like a baby who can’t engage well) and are young enough to be more positive about the change in situation.

      Having a ritual is probably the most important part. Bed time reading, or chat at supper, or whatever works for you.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One more idea that my daughter liked… speakerphone calls with her without the at-home parent, keeping her company while she did something she could (almost) do on her own. Sure you might get toothpaste on the portable phone, but it can give your partner time to pee in peace.

    11. Fellow Traveler*

      I used to travel 3-6 weeks at a time, though I stopped when my second child was born and my first was five. For our family, the most important thing was allowing the parent that was home with the child to maintain a routine. So we had a set time of day to FaceTime/ Skype – I set an alarm for myself and put my work on hold for those 20-30 mins. We found that if I tried to call/FaceTime them in an impromptu manner, it usually caused a meltdown on my daughter’s part because they were trying to get to school or wind down from the day, or what not and it wasn’t fair of me to upset the routine my husband was trying to put in place when solo parenting is hard enough as it is.
      Other things- I would send letters with drawings of what I was doing or seeing, since she couldn’t read yet. Once in a while I would send her a toy or stuffed animal or something specific to where I was. My husband put a picture of our family on the wall next to my daughter’s bed and in the early years, my daughter slept with one of my night shirts.
      I think, though, for us, it was hardest on the parent at home and that was the relationship I had to make sure to take care of. My kid was fine. She missed me, but my husband was the one who bore the burden of my career choices. I learned early on that I had to accept that I had to get out of his way, not micromanage him and trust that he could handle things- so I stopped reminding him how to do everything and became ok with the lunches he packed and the way he dressed her. Also checking in with him about how things are going and being willing to be flexible- for example, if tonight is not a good night to call, not taking it personally because he’s the one in the trenches and I needed to make solo parenting as easy for him as possible.

    12. Gloucesterina*

      Thank you to all who have responded – in addition to dropping each one of your ideas into my toolbox, I am feeling much less worried about this trip. I started to reply individually to each of you, but ran out of steam but know that I’m very grateful for your ideas and insights!

    13. Maybesocks*

      Be sure to send some of the mail before you leave, if you have time between now and then, so that it will arrive soon after you are gone. Snail mail is so slow these days…

  33. aarti*

    ***Spoilers for Avengers Endgame ahead***

    I’ve seen all of the Marvel movies multiple times (often more than once in theaters) but I can’t bring myself to watch Endgame again. Mostly because I can’t deal with Fat Thor. I read a lot of reviews of the movie where the directors were quoted saying that they wanted to use Thor’s journey to explore the feelings of loss, grief, what it means to be a hero. But to me it seemed to simply be a joke about putting a super-fit, very attractive man in a fat suit and then having the other characters, his supposed friends who knew everything he went through, making fun of him at every turn. I think I’ll have to wait until it comes on streaming and I can fast forward through all the stupid Fat Thor scenes.

    Did anyone else struggle with this aspect of the movie?

    1. Toni Stark*

      I found it a bit annoying, but not to the same level as you, it sounds like. I was actually expecting it to be made more of a joke in the film once they revealed his new look, and felt quite relieved by what I actually got.

      I was more annoyed by the audience reactions to him than by the in-movie reactions.

    2. Policy wonk*

      ******spoiler alert.*******

      I appreciated his reaction when he was able to call his hammer, show that he was still good enough even though he hadn’t been taking care of himself. I thought it redeemed it, made up for the fat jokes.

    3. ThatGirl*

      I actually liked it, even though they did veer a bit into fat jokes; the overall message to me seemed to be “being depressed does not make you less worthy”.

      1. Nessun*

        I agree that’s the message they wanted (and the one I got), but I did find the joking excessive.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      No. Because self-medicating with food and booze is a known thing with depression. The jokes were a little cringe, but I didn’t feel like they were happening “at every turn.”

      {{{SPOILERS}}}}

      Personally, I felt terrible for him. Poor Thor. :( Not because he was fat, but because he was obviously having such a tough time. They set that up by having Rocket say early on that he was blaming himself. And he clearly wasn’t okay after killing Thanos, either.

      Chris Hemsworth acted it really well. He was funny — and not the entire time — because Thor is usually funny. He fought for that portrayal, and I think it was worth it. And the best part was that he didn’t magically become fit again when he got Mjolnir back.

    5. Marion Q*

      I saw the movie twice. The first time, I was slightly uncomfortable, but hey, everyone was laughing and it’s got rave reviews, so I must’ve been the one who’s too sensitive, right? Then I saw the movie the second time and yeah, it hit me hard. Because I’m in Thor’s shoes, been so for more than a year, and I’ve gained noticeable weight as well. Hard not to, when some days food is the only thing I’m looking forward to, and the only thing that gets me through the day.

      the directors were quoted saying that they wanted to use Thor’s journey to explore the feelings of loss, grief, what it means to be a hero

      Then I’m sorry, but I didn’t get that vibe at all. I’ll be skipping those scenes with you.

  34. Upset and Angry*

    I’m very upset with my husband right now. We’re traveling and supposed to meet up with our friends later today. Early this morning my friend texted me, waking me up. I answered her question briefly, but added that we were sleeping, very jet lagged, and that we’d had a hard night. She kept texting me. I responded “no stop sleeping.” She texted again, something like well wake up I had a bad night too! Every time the phone pinged it roused me on high alert and was very unpleasant.

    I showed this to my husband when we got up and said that I was thinking of saying something to our friend when we meet them. We’re spending a week together on vacation, and this annoyed me enough that I’ll be resentful if I don’t speak up. I wasn’t planning to scold her or get into a big fight, but just say that it made me feel bad that she kept texting after I asked her twice to stop.

    My husband… I don’t know what you’d call it. He said that you lose “tone” in text and that I wasn’t clear enough and that she didn’t know my whole backstory. (Which is, sleep is hard for me at the best of times.) Which…? I mean, I don’t know what’s more clear than “no stop,” and I don’t know why you need more explanation than “I’m sleeping.”

    My husband and I (and this friend) belong to various communities where consent is super important, respecting boundaries is exhaustively discussed, and no is supposed to mean no without qualification. Now I feel sort of gaslit by my husband, and unsure of what I “should” have done or said differently to get this lady to stop texting me.

    I’m done talking about this with my husband because we’re spiraling. We’re taking a break from each other and meeting up in a bit. But right now I’m really confused and upset.

    1. Laura H.*

      It doesn’t solve your etiquette issue, but the “Do not Disturb” feature on most smart phones would stop the pinging in all hours of the night.

      I know on the IPhone you can schedule it and allow calls from your contacts, favorites, or everyone, to come through.

      1. valentine*

        Surprised by the rules lawyering in these responses.

        You’re right, friend is wrong, and husband is way wrong. Friend was not confused and is a boundary trampler who uses stalking methods to get your attention (“If they answer on the 30th ring, I have to let it ring 30 times, minimum.”) You shouldn’t have to block anyone’s calls. The fact that’s the best way to deal with her says it’s time for a talk and perhaps to rethink the community, especially if they let everyone in or don’t kick anyone out.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          It’s not rules lawyering to point out the basics of cell phone use. You turn it off or mute it in the movie theatre, in class, when you want to sleep, when you need to work or study, or any other time when you don’t want it to make noise. That’s what the ‘mute’ and ‘off’ buttons are for. The phone only makes noise if you have intentionally programmed it to do so. If you keep your phone on, and you’ve programmed it give audible notifications of message receipt, and then you’re woken up by the notifications you programmed into your phone, that’s kinda on you.

          You can’t simultaneously refuse to ever disconnect from technology and social media, then refuse to filter your notifications, and then complain that you keep receiving messages at all hours. Or, well, you can, but you’re just going to get a bunch of people saying “so… put the phone down?”

        2. Maj*

          It’s not rules lawyering to point out that most people will expect you to have your phone on silent if you don’t want to be disturbed.

    2. legalchef*

      I mean… is there a reason you didn’t just put your phone on silent or turn it off and try to go back to sleep? Maybe that’s what was confusing – you told her to stop, but then you kept responding.

      1. Book Wyrm*

        I was thinking this same thing. If you texted ‘I’m sleeping’ And your friend responded, why respond again. That’s engaging in conversation and keeping it going, whereas if you ignored it, she may not have kept responding. Yes, it wasn’t great that she kept texting when you asked her to stop but if a friend kept responding to my texts, I’d assume it was because she wanted to. Texts can be easily ignored.

        As for talking to her about it, I wouldn’t right before you’re going on a week long trip together. That’s likely to start things off on the wrong foot. Small issues should really be let go when you’re traveling together, otherwise it will cause unnecessary tension on a trip that is meant to be fun.

      2. Not Me*

        I agree. I could see someone thinking “well you’re awake and responding, so obviously you’re not actually “asleep”” and that being a confusing message.

        Turning off the ringer on your phone while you’re asleep is a good start to save yourself from this happening again. That could be part of the conversation with your friend, telling her that to not let that happen again you’re going to use the do not disturb mode on your phone going forward. Most phones will ring like normal when the same person calls multiple times within a few minutes in order to allow people to get through in an emergency even on DnD mode.

    3. fposte*

      I would push the emotional stuff to the back burner until I dealt with the physical. If you’re underslept, that’s going to affect any conversation you have today, whether with your husband or your friend. Turn off your phone tonight, get some sleep, and then tomorrow see what you think. I don’t think it’s a big deal to say to a friend “Hey, I don’t turn my phone off, so if I say ‘stop’ about texting it’s a serious request to hold off.” I do think it could become a big deal if you’re exhausted and want to talk about this as a major boundary trample.

      (Which, absent other information about your friend, I don’t think it is. I think it was a miscommunication. I think it’s fine to correct the miscommunication, but I don’t think it’s necessary to read it as a failure of respect with just the information you provide.)

    4. Upset and Angry*

      I didn’t ignore her text because I know her and she would keep texting until I replied. I did have it on do not disturb but I must have set it on the wrong time somehow.

      I still think “stop” just isn’t that confusing a concept.

      1. WellRed*

        I’m guessing this is normal behavior for her? Telling you to wake up b/c she had a bad night, too? Get some rest, then set the boundary for the rest if the trip.

      2. fposte*

        Is this part of a larger thing? Do you not really like this friend? Did you not really want to do this visit? Are you mad at your husband for other stuff, or does this feel like part of a pattern? It seems like you’re treating this as a referendum on both rather than as a single encounter, and maybe there are reasons for that.

        I still think it makes sense to wait until you’ve had a good night’s sleep to come back to this, especially since it seems to involve two people you’re going to be in close quarters with for a while; it makes even more sense if this is a larger issue than just this one example.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Couldn’t agree more about getting a good night’s sleep before you decide to broach this.

      3. So anonymous I'm not even here*

        You told her to stop …. but you kept responding. She may have thought you changed your mind so that’s why she kept texting.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        “I didn’t ignore her text because I know her and she would keep texting until I replied. ”

        She sounds a bit annoying with her persistence. Your lack of sleep and her annoying persistence sound like a bad mix.

        It could be that your hubby is trying to help you calm down and not realizing he sounds like he is “on her side”. Or it could be that you need to speak sharper with her than you do other friends. She does not understand a soft no?

        However, if you texted back that you are sleeping she knows that is not true because you texted her.
        Not saying she is right but am pointing to her perspective. That is kind of confusing.

        Figure out what you want that you are not getting. Just my guess but making sure your phone is off is a good step. However, if your phone is accidentally on, you could chose to ignore it until you are ready to talk/text.
        Then the conversation with her can go something like, “I really needed my sleep, but I accidentally left my phone on. I now realize that I need to do something different. So when I am up and facing the day I will text you to let you know I am up.”

        My neighbor and I have coffee together every morning since her hubby died. We start our morning by turning on an outside light. This lets the other one know, “I am up and will be on board in a bit.” We call each other about a half hour later and take turns going to each other’s houses. This gives us each quiet time but the light lets the other one know everything is okay. (This works great when there is a huge winter storm.) There is nothing wrong with defining the time you need to sleep and there is also nothing wrong with wanting quiet time when you first get up if that appeals to you.

        I know — some one messes with my sleep and I am NOT HAPPY. It’s fine to draw your lines for when you need rest.

      5. ThatGirl*

        It’s not, but who cares if she keeps texting? Reinforcing a boundary means turn it to silent and go back to sleep. And maybe consider putting your phone in another room while you sleep.
        I get it, it’s easy to feel angry on lack of sleep and when your husband didn’t react the way you expected. To me this is a friend problem and not a husband problem, but he’s there and easy to take it out on.

        3. Clisby*

          +1. I’m not sure why the poster even answered the first text rather than switch the phone to silent or turn it off, but maybe I’m missing something.

          However, I have encountered people who think they need to answer every phone call and text, when to me, that’s the beauty of cell phones. You have a clear record of every call/text, and you can ignore every one of them until you feel ready to engage – or not.

      6. Traffic_spiral*

        Well, “no stop sleeping” doesn’t actually make a lot of sense, you know. It could just as easily mean “I haven’t stopped sleeping lately.”. But speaking of things that are easy to understand, the mute button on your phone is generally not difficult to find.

        Sorry, this one’s your fault. Figure out how to turn your phone off or figure out a phone safeword you can tell your friends that means “I’m going to leave my phone on and respond to all your messages but actually I don’t want you to text.”

        1. KR*

          Yeah, this would be kind of confusing for me. I might take it like a joke? Like a fake dramatic no stop I’m sleeping! to express that you’re having a hard time getting up that day or really comfy or something

      7. jolene*

        I have an incredibly loud and pushy best friend who rang me at 11 last night, a bit drunk. I hung up and texted her “Sleeping, talk tomorrow” and she *did not call or text me back because she listened to what I said*.

        This frankly is the minimum that you should be able to expect from a friend.

    5. Dan*

      I have to admit, I’m confused. Your friend was texting you while you were trying to sleep, ignoring any rebuffs at texting, and you’re mad at your husband, and saying he’s gaslighting you?

      Your husband isn’t gaslighting you, he’s telling you that your messaging was unclear. That’s not the same. Gaslighting would be saying that he’s respecting your boundaries, and then knowingly violating them. But in this story, it’s your friend violating boundaries!

      How could you have gotten your friend to stop texting? Sometimes you can’t get people to do what you want. In those cases, you have to take matters into your own hands. You say your DND was acting finnicky (I believe you) but in that case, you can go with the nuclear option and turn your phone off. Given your needs at the time, it would have accomplished your primary goal of getting sleep. That said, I don’t think your messaging was as clear as you think it was. “No stop sleeping” isn’t a coherrent text. You also kept responding to further texts, so that sends a confusing message. A clearer message would have been, “Hey, I’m sleeping, I’ll get back to you after I’ve woken up and had caffeine/food/whatever. TTYL!” (And then stop texting!)

      1. self employed*

        I agreed. This is not gaslighting, nor is it consent-related broundary-pushing. I also agree that this was not clear or coherent, and continuing to reply is, by definition, continuing the conversation. It’s okay to be irritated, but this is not as big a deal as you’ve described.

        1. Dan*

          No argument there. But somehow she turned this into something that makes her “very upset with her husband right now” It’s her opening sentence, and then goes on to accuse her husband of gaslighting her. I gotta be honest, if I were her husband, I’d be confused as all get out, because her negative emotions toward her husband aren’t all that warranted. Which would then just make her even more upset at her husband, because he wouldn’t be “getting it”.

      3. Coco*

        Agree. I actually read that to be ‘no. Stop sleeping’. Instead of ‘no. Stop. sleeping’
        So I thought you answered a question with a negative and indicated you have woken up. I’m a total internet stranger and I found your text confusing / not coherent.
        Of course you were tired and asleep so can’t expect exact punctuation in messages but I can see the husband’s point. Hope you get some rest soon.

    6. LQ*

      I’m kind of with other folks here, if you want to say something to her I think that. “Hey, just so you know I’m going to work on making sure my phone is really in DND at night so if I don’t respond it’s because I won’t get the messages until the next day.” And then figure out why your phone wasn’t locked down enough to not ping you and wake you.

    7. Lilysparrow*

      You are right, “stop” is not a hard concept. Your friend was wrong. She obviously knew what you meant, because her response indicates that she understood the message and was not confused.

      Your husband is also right, in that once it became clear that she wasn’t going to respect your “no”, it’s then your responsibility to see that your own needs were met, and not rely on her to meet them. That could include things like manually silencing or turning off your phone, putting it in another room, etc.

      Your friend is also right to assume you’re not actually sleeping or unwilling to text back, because you kept texting back. Which was your choice, that you freely made.

      Of course, nobody is at their best or thinking clearly when they’re exhausted and jetlagged. The best thing you can do is prioritize your own needs, and not get sucked into arguments or stewing over this, which is just going to keep you agitated and make it harder to catch up on your rest. Skip some activities, get a little local-time natural light, get a nap or go to bed early, whatever you need to do to get rested. It will be easier to deal with once you’ve slept.

    8. Koala dreams*

      I had a similar thing happen to me recently, and I just put my phone in flight mode. I recommend it!

      When it comes to the people I know, when they send a lot of messages, it’s because they themselves are stressed and lose their ability to think clearly, so no amount of messages from me will help the situation. Instead, I just explain later, preferably when we meet in person. Since your friend didn’t get your messages, why not have a talk later when both of you are calm? Just tell her that you have difficulties sleeping and next time you’d appreciate her waiting with texting until later in the day.

      I’m not sure I understand what you’re husband is saying. You shouldn’t speak to hear directly, because she is bad at reading text messages? Plenty of people are fine with speaking and bad with text messages, so if she normally responds well to speaking in person I would recommend you to do that.

      I hope you can get a nice rest and will have time to read this comment thread later!

    9. LGC*

      …whoo boy!

      First of all, I really hope you get some rest tonight.

      Second – for what it’s worth, I read your husband’s response as applying to both of you at first. That your friend really could have been having a rough time and that’s why she was reaching out at an odd hour, and that your reply might not have come across as direct as you wanted. But also, your husband (and okay, me too) offered advice when what you needed was sympathy.

      In a later comment, you mention that this friend is a bit bothersome. Would it be possible to silence her texts specifically? (It depends on what kind of phone you have, of course.)

      Finally – this is the “maybe I’m reading WAY TOO MUCH into this” section, but it kind of sounded like you were comparing your friend texting you while you were asleep to far more severe violations. I think she was inconsiderate and overly persistent, but I wouldn’t use language anywhere near that strong to describe her behavior.

    10. Anon For This*

      Your friend was being annoying and showed a lack of respect for you. That’s not cool.

      As others have said, putting the phone on silent would have been a solution, but you were jetlagged, maybe too sleepy to think of this.

      Your husband is being weird about this. He’s siding with your friend. He’s not listening to where you’re coming from. He doesn’t have to agree with you. But he’s being weird by not being more sympathetic. What could explain this? Is he also jetlagged and not his usual self? What does he have to gain from you and your friend not talking about this? Is he also friends with your friend? Is it a conflict avoidance / just want to have an uneventful visit kind of thing? I would indeed be digging deeper there. I think he’s being weirder than your friend is, but it could be something pretty minor, like just being tired and not wanting to deal with any kind of tension between people.

      1. Dan*

        Based on what’s written, I don’t see husband “siding with friend” per se, just pointing out that wife’s communications with friend weren’t all that clear (the bit about “tone getting lost in text”). I’m sure the guy is sitting there like the rest of us thinking (and perhaps saying) “just put your phone on DND or turn it off. Problem solved.” But he didn’t say “the right thing” and she’s pissed at him for that, and he’s thinking “WTF, I’m not even the one who woke her up, and *I’m* in trouble?” and it just keeps going downhill from there.

        What I can’t tell from what’s written is how much this “various communities where consent is super important” thing plays into the situation. I read that as a BDSM or swingers thing or something like that. Other people have suggested other things besides “stop texting” are at play, and given that OP brings up this community, I just wonder.

        1. Beatrice*

          I mean, consent is important in any community. I’m vanilla as they come and consent isn’t any less important to me than the next person. Correlating an unwanted text message with other unwanted contact seems a little overblown and makes me wonder if there’s more to the story, but if we’re going that route…some important things to remember about consent are that *clear communication* is important on all sides, you’re allowed to have boundaries, and that consent can be revoked at any time.

          So you should be telling your friend what you’re okay and not okay with, they should be alert for signs that normal contact is not okay this time, and should be actively checking in with you to make sure unusual contact is okay. You can and should use features on your phone to block unwanted contact from *everyone* when you don’t want it, and from specific people when needed. If it feels like someone is being particularly disrespectful, it’s okay to revoke your participation in a conversation or limit future contact as you feel appropriate. (And they don’t have to agree that it’s okay for you to do that, or be happy about it. My SIL has been on my limited-contact list since 2014, because I went to a two-hour meeting at work and came back to five missed texts, seven missed calls, and two voicemails…over a food-related question for a social event on the upcoming weekend. It was a Wednesday. There’s more to the story, but that was the last straw. I love her in small doses at family gatherings, but I don’t answer her while I am working now, ever, and I don’t rush to answer her immediately outside of work, and I make her brother return most of her calls.)

    11. Maj*

      I’m having trouble understanding why you didn’t have, or put, your phone on silent. Boundaries don’t replace things you could be doing for yourself.

      1. TL -*

        Yeah this might be a generational thing but my phone is on silent most of the time (I don’t have dependents and I check it frequently.)

        If it’s on and I’m getting notifications during a nap or my sleep time, I just read the first text and, barring emergencies, put the phone on silent/mute the conversation. You can’t be woken up by a silenced phone.

  35. Penguin*

    Plant thread! How does your garden grow? Which weeds just won’t die? Discuss and commiserate with fellow botanically-inclined folks!

    1. Penguin*

      It’s hot and muggy here in the US Northeast. I’m sure the plants enjoy it, but the gardener is not quite of the same mind. That aside, the climbing hops are indeed climbing up their twine, the grape vines have been cut back (so I won’t have to do that again for at LEAST a week), and the nasturtiums are blooming. The strawberries seem to be done bearing fruit for the season, but hopefully they will continue to spread and give the English ivy some competition.

      I hope everyone is bearing up under whatever weather conditions are currently present!

    2. fposte*

      There’s a Rose of Sharon jungle in the back that I’m just deliberately ignoring. They’re too big to just pull at this point so we’re getting into cutting down and painting stumps.

      I apparently lost some callirhoe in front, so I need to get more next year. It’s a favorite in my front beds–I love plants that just wander around among others to do their thing. I’ve got a long run of the threadleaf coreopsis blooming with periodic magenta photobombs from the callirhoe, and I just love it.

      I planted some fragrant yellow daylily tubers of a couple of different species in some weird places. Did I note which ones are where? No, of course not. So I keep getting surprised by an eye-level daylily as I wander around.

    3. HannahS*

      I have had a very modest green bean harvest. I’m really hoping the tomatoes come in before I leave town and have to give the plants away! I think they might not, though. They’re still yellow flowers, and I only have another month before I need to re-home them.

    4. DryGardener*

      I live in apartment with no outside spigot, so I have to carry water from the kitchen sink to the balcony to water the plants. That might work if, when I first got into gardening, I hadn’t jumped on the Tapla gritty mix bandwagon (basically a VERY free-draining potting mix that dries out extremely quickly). I live in the deep south. If I miss even one day of watering, the plants are super wilted. Two days and they’re almost dead.

      Needless to day, I’ve killed most of my plants.

      I would love to have a huge, lush container garden, but I don’t have the money to invest in more plants and soil. I doubt I’d be able to sell the gritty mix to anyone around here, and the stuff is heavy, so I can’t really sell it online. Super frustrating.

      1. Venus*

        I have had mixed success with this, but maybe for you:
        Get 2L plastic bottles, and fill them with water. Turn them upside-down and put them into the soil. With the right soil, it drains slowly enough to keep it a bit damp. Hopefully that will give you some breathing room. I also bought some things at the dollar store which are meant to screw onto one of those bottles and help the slow drain of water. I haven’t gone away yet, so can’t speak to their success, but if you can find something similar then it could be a cheap test?

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        My apartment complex has the same setup, except our balconies are made of deck boards. So when I pot or water my plants, I have to be careful to avoid spilling, because it will drip through the boards onto the two neighbors below. It’s really annoying, especially since my upstairs neighbors tend to spill their ashtray down onto my balcony.

    5. MeepMeep*

      My kid and I planted a potato in a flowerpot; it had sprouted in our pantry and I figured it would be fun to show the kid what a potato plant looks like. Now we have three flourishing potato plants in the flowerpot. They’re huge.

    6. Weegie*

      I just moved into a new house last month, and the previous owners’ idea of ‘gardening’ was to cover the garden with weed matting and throw pebbles on top of it. So I am removing pebbles, and will be for the foreseeable future :-) (But I know where my strawberry plants are going once I’m done.)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m in that boat with you. The house I moved into in 2016 has extra ‘driveways ‘ where they just dumped gravel. Enough to keep me from mowing, not enough to keep down weeds. I started picking stones and the bucket blew over in a storm so now I have driveway gravel in a little white garden rocks patch.
        And I have other repairs to do before I can think about paying someone to shovel & sift for me.

        1. Weegie*

          We both need patience – we’ll get there! I think I found some decking beneath the pebbles/weed mat this afternoon, so hopefully I can reclaim or recycle it. Eight years below ground and it didn’t look too bad!

    7. Lizabeth*

      Way too hot to do much outside at the moment in VA. Still have weed barrier and stone to put down next to the foundation and mulch to move to the front BUT it’s not going to happen when it’s 75 and humid at six am! Deer are now munching on the hydrangeas so I will be spraying the deer and rabbit repellent- any recommendations?

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The deer are a menace here too… Hostas and sedum both eaten back badly. I’m looking sideways at my husband’s bottle of capsicum extract but I’m kind of afraid it’ll bit me back in this heat.

      2. SpellingBee*

        I’ve had success with the following method: mix a raw egg into 1 cup of water, making sure it’s well and truly incorporated. I use my stick blender but you could use a whisk if you wield it vigorously. Strain the mixture into a spray bottle and spritz it on the plants you want to keep the deer away from. You do have to reapply after it rains, of course. I like it because it’s cheap, non-toxic and easily available. If there’s nothing else to eat except for the plants you’re trying to protect it probably won’t work, but I’ve kept deer away from hostas and other deer magnets using this.

        1. Lizabeth*

          I haven’t heard about this one – will give it a try! The deer are walking into the backyard from the golf course and they’re eating the one bush but ignoring the other one next to it. I think because it’s not as easy to get to. The deer have PLENTY to eat in the woodlands near me, they’re just going for dessert I think.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Thistles. Thistles everywhere. I’m really regretting that my daughter talked me into keeping one last year!
      In better news, I just picked up a canna, some zinnias, and a bay laurel, all of which need to go into the ground first t I ingredients in the morning because it’s Louisiana hot & humid in New England this afternoon.

    9. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I spent over an hour and filled up pretty much the entire yard debris bin with ivy from where it was starting to grow through a gate. If I keep removing ivy at this rate, I will have an ivy-free yard…never, because that stuff grows like crazy and is already growing back on the part of the fence I removed it from the last time I had an ivy-pulling day. I probably need to get some big yard debris bags, spare gloves, cheap shears, and have an “ivy pulling party” where I bribe my friends with beer to pull ivy and see if a group of us can make a meaningful dent in it. I feel like all of my gardening tasks are about trying to remove biomass rather than grow things.

      Also, I’d like to find a way to discourage spiders from living in the (open-sided) pool shed. I don’t want to spray poison everywhere, but right now I have to wave a stick around everywhere back there to clear out the webs whenever I go back there to deal with the pump. This is one of several reasons that I’m having trouble keeping the filter working as well as it should, and it turns out that the Pool Maintenance Fairy does not clean the filter baskets for me just because I don’t feel like doing it.

    10. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      My ongoing garden cleanup project continues. I don’t know if I explained already but I basically totally neglected it for at least two years, and it all exploded into a total jungle in May. I’m still very much an amateur gardner and new issues that I hadn’t thought of before keep popping up.

      The little strip that I have used for vegetables in the past is getting crowded with other stuff. Until earlier this week it was full of weeds, a huge broccoli plant that somehow survived for four years, a bleeding heart, loads of garlic that has spread, mystery shrubs, and a ridiculously overgrown heather. I pulled weeds and the broccoli, and now I have a few issues that I haven’t decided what to do about yet. Some of the places where I’d like to put vegetables might actually be too acidic, and there are several plants that I’d like to move if I can do so without killing them.

      Today I started out intending to plant out some vegetables (still in the garden centre pots after two weeks). First I had to cut back a climbing/rambling rose, and I accidentally cut one of the main branches too far down. So I spent a good hour cutting all the attached branches off the trellis. Now it looks pretty bare, but it had stopped flowering anyway. And I still haven’t managed to plant out the vegetables! I think I need to buy some big grow bags of compost but transporting them is an issue.

    12. NewReadingGlasses*

      My garden is finally growing! I picked my first actual pepper this morning, it’s milder than I was expecting, but good.

    13. Mike C.*

      My wife just picked a pint of blueberries off one of our new bushes and six different Japanese maples going quite strong.

      1. fposte*

        Hey, I didn’t know you were a Japanese maple guy. I have two that I love and may get more. It’s a little too cold here for some cultivars but plenty are okay.

        1. Mike C.*

          It’s a new thing since we moved into a new home last year. I’m hoping to turn a significant portion of my back yard into a maple grove, so for now I’m focusing on the larger growing, sun-tolerant cultivars. In time I’ll start planting the shadier varieties under their canopies (since these are naturally understory trees anyway) and then finish off with dwarf varieties in pots.

          Have you heard of the hybrid cultivars “Artic Jade”, “Ice Dragon” or “North Wind”? They’re apparently made specifically for colder regions.

    14. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Everything is starting to look a little worse for wear in the flower bed because of the heat and inconsistent watering on my part. I bought a soaker hose set that I will put in next weekend. The herbs and nasturtiums that I planted in my VegTrug (basically an elevated bed, about 5 feet long) are doing well. I’ve never had such big nasturtium leaves – the largest are at least 6 inches across!

  36. Victoria, Please*

    What is something about yourself that you would like to change but for the life of you, it’s just you?! I’m looking for small and amusing, not big personal issues. :-)

    For me, it’s that I am a heavy, heavy packer! I pack for a weekend like I’m off to Europe for 6 weeks! I can still carry it all myself, that’s the rule, but gee, I wish I could just grab a backpack and go.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      oh boy. My chiro had to move my handbag one day and he said it was way too heavy.
      There is no way I can carry less. I have tried. I can’t.

    2. Agnodike*

      I CANNOT keep a secret in my personal life. At work, no problem. It’s confidential? It goes in the vault. At home, I tell people not to tell me anything they don’t want disseminated because I will let it slip without even realizing I’m doing it! It’s not that I give in to an irresistible temptation; I just somehow can’t make my brain think “no, this is something we don’t talk about” where personal secrets are concerned.

    3. Auntie Social*

      Too many clothes—I say I want a capsule wardrobe, and they do work well for travel–but at home I don’t look at it that way. I’m scrolling and the next thing I see is an ad for something cute, and my brain says “I wonder if they have that in my size!”
      I must be stopped.

      1. londonedit*

        Me too! There are loads of summer sales here at the moment and I have bought FAR too many dresses. I just kept seeing ones I’d spotted months ago, with great discounts, and couldn’t help myself!

    4. Ethyl*

      Laundry! Try as I might, there is no system, process, plan, or idea that will ever make me or my spouse into a person who does laundry on a schedule, who takes stuff out of the dryer in a timely manner, or who folds and puts stuff away promptly. Eventually, spouse and I hit on a solution that works with what I will *actually* do, which keeps things tidy, and which means we usually have plenty of clean clothes to wear. And y’know, that’s fine!

        1. Ethyl*

          Of course! What was happening was that we would take the clothes out of the dryer, which was in the kitchen, and get as far as the living room where we would drop it, rifle through the basket for what we needed, and then, well, leave it there until it was empty and we needed the basket to haul dirty laundry down from upstairs.

          So we went to Target and got one of those cube organizer things. It’s about the same size and shape as a dresser but uses those fabric cubes? Anyway we set it up in the living room so that when we dropped laundry there, we could throw it into the cubes. We assigned the cubes simple categories like “undies and socks,” “spouse undershirts,” “Ethyl work tops,” “pajamas,” etc. That way, everything was sorted and “away,” but we didn’t really have to change our habits as such. We don’t own much that needs ironed or dry cleaned, and stuff like spouse’s button down work shirts get hung up on a hook nearby. Anything that does wind up needing ironed gets done right before wearing.

          Now we love somewhere new and the organizer is upstairs from the laundry room but it’s still working better than “try be a person who irons, folds, and puts away as soon as laundry is done” :)

    5. Kathenus*

      That I inherited the family clutterer/messy tendencies. I wish I was one of those people who naturally kept things neat and tidy as a default. For me it’s an ongoing – today I need to straighten up/organize/etc. and then within days the flat surfaces are again filled up. All my fault I know, and it’s in my power to change of course, but it’s very much a part of my normal behavior for decades and hard to get real change to stick.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Ugh, me too. I have spent most of the last month on various decluttering and organizing projects because the crap just keeps piling up somehow. I don’t even shop very much. Recently I have managed to go through a big bag of miscellaneous papers and sucessfully put most of them in the recycling, rearranged the bedroom and edited down a few things, and I’ve been on a continuous program of cleaning up the garden. It got really out of hand the last couple of years. I’ve been looking at old Unf*ck your habitat posts on Tumblr as well as r/clutter and r/ICleanedMyRoom for inspiration. I’m tired of drowning in crap.

        But speaking of, it’s nearly midnight and I need to put sheets on the bed, which is currently covered in bags of clean laundry that will definitely not fit into the closet… sigh. I spent most of the day in the garden or cleaning up digital clutter.

    6. dealing with dragons*

      Rick Steves can help you pack better. I love that man. I’ve done Europe for three weeks with just a carry on.

      For me I’m bad about putting things back when I use them. Dunno why.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’m a light packer myself.

      Is the issue you use a lot of different things when you travel or you just think you will need a lot of things (contingency planning)? For the latter, having a list and also maybe differentiating on your next trip what you actually used vs brought might help. If you just change outfits a lot, that’s where coordinating capsule wardrobe might help.

      Of course, sometimes I take my minimal
      packing too far. I once forgot underwear for a weekend trip. I guess you don’t really *need* underwear but that one was an accident.

    8. KR*

      I have a heckin sweet tooth. I love chocolate and sugar.
      I’m also sentimental and hold on to way too much stuff. Can’t let it go. It’s not a lot but it feels like a lot to me.

    9. Llellayena*

      Dishes. I wish I could enjoy doing dishes. Then they’d get clean more often and I would cook more often (I love cooking) because I wouldn’t be looking at every cooking process as X number of dishes to clean.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        Dishes for me too! And a sweet tooth.
        But I can cook around dirty dishes. I just don’t see them or care.

        Poor spouse has to do more than his share of the dishes. I did clean the sink/dishes/kitchen every night for 2 months straight in an effort to establish a habit. But life did not seem better, I still did not care, and the habit did not stick.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I hate unloading the dishwasher if I’m the one who loaded it.

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I just will not keep practicing an instrument regularly if I don’t have some kind of external consequence keeping me on track. I’ll do it for a month or two, something will happen to disrupt the routine, and then months will go by again without me keeping it up before the cycle begins again. The specific instrument does not seem to matter – I’ve done this dance with piano, guitar, and clarinet several times each. I know it would not take a particularly large amount of effort to become good enough at guitar and/or piano to have it be a useful accomplishment in my social circle, but I just do not spend the sustained practice time to get there and stay there.

      And yet, I walk by the music store several times a week and they have a beautiful dulcimer and several ukuleles on display, and I keep thinking how much I’d like to learn the dulcimer and/or ukulele…

      1. curly sue*

        I’m the same. I can’t count how many times I’ve restarted guitar practice over the last … lordy. seven years? I have a very nice beginner’s guitar, and sometimes I have a good excuse (stitches in my finger on my fretting hand, etc), but I just can’t seem to get into a sustainable, regular practice habit. And here I am nagging at my kid to do that exact thing for violin…

      2. Lora*

        Yup, this. I have a very nice upright piano. I cannot for the life of me stick to a practice routine. I used to do all the girly music that was popular in the ’90s when I was in college, Tori Amos and all that. Now I struggle to get all the way through an intermediate level Chopin arrangement.

    12. Washed Out Data Analyst*

      I’m SO bad at keeping dishes out of my sink! I’m good at not letting them pile up too high, but the rate at which I clear dirty dishes out of my sink is every 2 days. I’m an otherwise clean person, but this is my worst trait. I just forget!

    13. Gatomon*

      I can’t get to sleep at a reasonable time. So I either just stay up like I’m doing right now (which reinforces it) or I go to bed and read/watch TV for ages anyway. Consequently I struggle with getting up early for work or anything, really. Time is not my friend.

    14. Puffle*

      I take forever to get ready in the morning before work >< I have to allow a ridiculous amount of time to get ready so I'm not late. I just… get distracted somehow?

  37. cat sitting*

    I cat sit a neighbors’ cat pretty regularly and they started to give me wine as a thank you gift. I appreciate the gift, although it’s not necessary (and I’ve told them that), but the thing is, I don’t drink. I don’t know if there is a way to nicely let them know that. I’ve told the party I am closer to that I don’t drink (although sometimes people don’t believe you for whatever reason), but it hasn’t made it to the side of the couple who seems to be in charge of making cat-sitting arrangements.

    2. Asenath*

      I say “Thank you very much” and pass the gift on discreetly to someone else. This usually happens to me at Christmas, so usually I bring it along when I’m invited out for a dinner at that time of year.

    4. Kathenus*

      If I were your neighbor I’d absolutely want you to say something! Reverse your positions, if your neighbor is cutting your lawn when you’re away, and you gave them something they couldn’t use, you’d want to know, right? And you wouldn’t want them to feel uncomfortable doing so at all, right?

      Next time they ask you to cat sit, say something along the lines of – thanks for the wine last time, I have it saved for guests since I don’t drink myself. But I do love fun food treats from different areas, or a good nut mix, or a magnet/coffee mug if you see a nice one – or whatever. You’re letting them know something I’m 100% sure they would like to, and giving them options so they don’t worry about guessing wrong again.

    5. Persephone Mulberry*

      The next time they offer a thank you bottle, it’s perfectly nice to say “that’s very thoughtful of you, but actually I don’t drink! Why don’t you hang on to that for someone who will really appreciate it.” It might not hurt to have an alternative suggestion ready if they ask, like “I never say no to donuts!”

    6. Wishing You Well*

      I’d tell them just once more you don’t drink BEFORE they hand you another bottle. That way, they can assume you “started” to not drink and it saves them some awkwardness. If they still hand you wine, shrug and regift.

  38. Aurora Leigh*

    I know several people on here are also recently engaged — so I wanted to share! We have (finally) set a date and chosen a venue!

    Now I’m having fun designing the invites on Vistaprint. I’m thinking of going with one of the postcard styles since they’re so much cheaper than the styles marketed for wedding invitations.

    We’ve chosen a lovely state park nearby where we both spent lots of time as kids. The main shelter (with real bathrooms) is only $25/day to rent. We looked at other outdoor venues set up for weddings, but the (10 times) cost didn’t seem worth the convenience factor.

    So I’m curious, if you’ve had or been to park/picnic shelter weddings what went right? What went wrong? Any tips?

    Any good resources for this kind of low key celebration?

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      **Should say 100 times cost for wedding specific venues. Crazy how much that drives up the cost!

    2. WellRed*

      Please, please account for the weather. It may be sheltered but if it’s unexpectedly cold or rainy is there a way for guests to warm up? Also, will bug spray be needed? congratulations!

    3. Wordnerd*

      Congratulations! What’s your food plan? We had our rehearsal dinner in a park shelter, and we got Italian beef from a local restaurant that took soooo long to thaw! So if you’re doing food yourself, think about stuff like that? If you’re getting caterers, then hopefully no worries! Other “being outside” stuff like bugs or rain apply, so think about your plans for scenarios like that. Otherwise, are there other shelters nearby that might have noisy or disruptive people? If it’s $25 a day you could rent a spare best of luck!

    4. Marcy*

      What is the restroom situation at the park? Are any close by? Do you need to bring soap and paper hand towels? Also think about trash. Do you need to bring trash bags etc?

    5. MatKnifeNinja*

      Make sure your guest don’t have to pay to get into the park. Make arrangements for that.

      What you save on the venue, hire a caterer for the food. Even if it’s just a set up, and everyone serves themselves. I’ve had vegan taco bars to Texas BBQ. Catering does not have to be arm, leg and thigh expensive. It saves you the hassle of setting up the fest.

      Is alcohol allowed? Check if music/boom boxes are allowed. My city’s shelters don’t allow for that.

      Have someone do a recon on the bathrooms. State Parks restrooms can be great to look like gas station crime scenes or anywhere in between. You can rent hand washing stations. My friend set them outside the restrooms. That was really nice. (She had a state park wedding)

      Make sure people with mobility issues can get from the parking lot to the shelter without rolling an ankle or falling. My state parks are really rustic with a longish walk from the parking lot to the shelter. My older relatives can’t walk on really gravelly dirt or lump grass. A cousin put plywood sheets down, making a small path to their shelter for Great Auntie Nana with walking issues.

      If the walking surface is gravel parking lots and lumpy grass, let people know, so Great Auntie Nana doesn’t show up in her Sunday best heels.

      Check if you have to take all trash home. My state parks has you bring it in, you bring it out rule.

      Your wedding sounds like so much fun! Congrats and give updates!

    6. Parenthetically*

      Ah, fantastic!! We adore state parks, and what an absolute bargain.

      I’d consider parking, which is sometimes tricky, park entry fees if applicable, season/bugs/likelihood of rain, soap in the restrooms, catering and kitchen facilities, and things like that.

    7. Still married as far as I know*

      We did this for our wedding in 1982…local state park pavilion with real bathrooms that was free to reserve. We checked and double-checked the date when the park would start taking reservations for the summer, and got in first with our date. We checked to make sure the parks allowed alcohol, and had beer kegs and soda. A local restaurant catered with picnic foods (salads, sandwiches, tea, lemonade, condiments) and got the cake from a local store. (I wish we would have assigned someone to return the large serving pieces to the restaurant afterward.) It was great weather, thankfully, and family members still mention how much fun it was.

    8. blackcat*

      How many people?
      I had a park wedding, in California in the summer, where rain was not a real risk. Since it was coastal, fog was the main risk, weather-wise (inland, a 100+ degree day would have been a risk).
      Is the shelter is big enough for everyone to sit AND have milling about space? If there’s any risk of rain, you need to think about imaginary walls around your shelter. Can you imagine your party fitting in that space?
      Think about set up. I had picnic tables for ~3/4 the guests, and a ton of picnic blankets. Most people chose to sit on the blankets. We had folks stand for the ceremony, but knew that no one had mobility problems and had a VERY short (~10 minute) ceremony. That made things easier.
      Lawn games were a big hit. Bocce, frisbees, and kites (coastal, so windy).
      Think carefully before you ask friends/family for help with set up. How much work will it be? Mine was VERY minimal (~30 minutes with my parents, husband, me, and my best friend), so it was fine.
      Will it be catered? Or something more informal? Since ours was tiny, we did nice sandwich platters from a grocery store, along with a bunch of salad options (including filling vegan ones, like a black bean salad). My dad’s best friend picked them up the day of and brought them.

    9. Anono-me*

      Find out what the power situation is at the site. The last park pavillion wedding that I went to, they had lights but did not have any power outlets and wound up using an 80s style boombox for the music.

      Also have some sort of solid background for photos, just in case other people in nearby shelters will be in your photos otherwise.

      Best wishes.

        1. Anono-me*

          I think if it had been planned, it could have been fun. However, the outlet situation was discovered a few hours prior to the ceremony and the boom box was a cheap one and the mix tape was a rough rush job.

    10. Dr. Anonymous*

      In some parks, any caterers will have to be licensed or cleared by the park, so check on that. So happy for you!

    11. Ginger ale for all*

      Check the location to see how handicap accessible it is. Guests may have canes, walkers, or wheelchairs and it would be nice to reassure them of access.

    12. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      Congrats!

      A couple suggestions: join a local Facebook wedding buy/sell/trade group. In addition to wedding decor, there are a lot of suggestions and ideas about vendors, dresses and other stuff applicable to your area.

      I have also heard that the Bridechilla Facebook group is a good resource for people planning low key weddings.

    13. Aurora Leigh*

      Thanks everyone for all your tips and the congrats! I’ll update as we make more plans. :)

      Shout out to IL state parks for still being free to everyone and surprisingly well maintained given our budget woes!

      Also, this is a pretty great shelter — parking super close, the only shelter in the park and attached (real) bathrooms.

      There are outlets, but a good idea to double check they work the next time we’re out there.

      We’re planning for about 100 people (fiance has a big family) and we’re planning to have catered food and rent a tent if the weather will be bad.

  39. Blazer*

    I think I may have RA or PsA, Dr appointment next week. In the meantime, does anyone have any recommendations for pain relief? I’ve had a few episodes over the past year or so but this time is the worst so far. This “flare” has lasted since Tuesday and I’m desperate for some relief (and sleep)!

    1. Ethyl*

      I know I suggest this a lot around here, but have you considered CBD? It can be pricey for the high-test stuff, but I’ve found it really helps with pain and sleep. Also, though, get gummies or something, the straight oil tastes like bong water :(

    2. KoiFeeder*

      I can’t recommend pain relief, but if you hurt too much to sleep, ZzQuil knocks me right out.

    3. Reba*

      Totally unscientific, but I find that alternating heat and cold seems to help me. I have a microwavable bead bag thing and a heating pad, and a reusable gel first aid pad that goes in the freezer.

      Good luck diagnosis and finding a treatment that works!

    4. WS*

      I have PsA and saw a therapist who got me to test whether heat or cold was more effective (by using a heatpack and later an icepack). In my case it was cold, but apparently it’s about 50/50 which will help.

    5. misspiggy*

      Over the counter anti inflammatories plus paracetamol, take them regularly all day rather than waiting till it’s really bad. Keep fluid and protein intake up.

      Keep warm, but put ice on the site of the worst bits. Try to move as much as you can without tiring yourself. Find several undemanding but distracting games – I find hidden object games about the right level.

      Hope it gets better soon!

  40. Bag Lady*

    Any tips for dealing with bags under your eyes? Either a cream or treatment of some kind to make them less noticeable or make-up tricks to hide them? Thanks!

    1. BRR*

      I haven’t had any luck with long-term improvement, but for times when I need a temporary fix like when I’m having my picture taken I’ve had some success with kyoku eye fuel.

      1. BRR*

        Which I haven’t used it purchased in a while and is apparently discontinued. Hope that helps! Ha

    2. fposte*

      I’ve never been convinced by any makeup trick I find. I mostly look for baggy-eyed role models to reassure myself and try to focus instead on other facial features.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, I’ve heard that.
        I have used “Sudden Change” serum. It works, but it leaves a shiny residue when dry.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        My sister tried hemorrhoid cream and it worked for her. It’s temporary, of course, but she was going to a wedding so used it for that.

    5. Trixie*

      I haven’t had much luck with topical treatments. Biggest change came once I started sleeping on my back, definite reduction in facial wrinkles and pooling around my eyes. Also, better luck when I cut back on salty foods. Exercise (sweating) also helps. If I still feel puffy in the morning, little bags of frozen peas on my eyes before I shower.

    6. Jen Erik*

      Daughter who works for big skincare company, when asked by her aunt, sent her some very expensive products, but said that while those will help a little, she was told by their beauticians that basically the most helpful thing is sleeping enough and hydrating.

    7. NewReadingGlasses*

      I’ve found lying down on my back with something cool on my eyes works temporarily. Also anti-histamine eye drops, as sometimes allergies make my eyes puffy.

    8. HamlindigoBlue*

      I’ve had some success using color correction and tips I’ve found from YouTube tutorials. I use a peachy liquid concealer to neutralize the color (orange doesn’t work for me since my skin is just too pale), Tarte Amazonian clay concealer applied with a very fine brush to the hollow of the bag itself (like lining the full orbital half circle under my eye), and blend that in with Tarte Shape Tape liquid concealer. I use a damp sponge to do the blending, and that makes a big difference in how it sets/finishes. I don’t use much product, but this combination works the best for me. Nothing gets rid of the bag completely, and, even though the thought is tempting, I don’t want to bother fillers. I’ve had dark circles since I was five years old, so there’s not much I can do about it other than try to use color correction as best I can.

    9. Chaordic One*

      This is my theory. The delicate skin under your eyes (and skin pretty much anywhere else, too, though to a lesser degree) is sort of like a dried-up raisin. If you can hydrate and moisturize (both from inside and out) you can plump up that dry skin and the bags will flatten and the wrinkles will be less noticeable.

      There are lots of different moisturizers, eye creams and serums.Some moisturizers have a bit of concealer in them which will cover dark circles under your eyes. I use more affordable products such as those from L’Oreal, Neutrogena, Nivea and Revlon. When using a day cream I use products with sunscreen in them as a preventative. At nighttime, I will apply a thin layer of petroleum jelly (such as Vaseline) over top of the moisturizer. It seems to help trap a bit more moisture in the skin. When washing my face, I use gentle beauty soaps. (I like Dove bar soap.)

  41. BRCA-anon*

    Occasional commenter here going anon for the moment.

    The short version of a long ramble is that I’m female and have a reasonably high chance of having the ‘breast cancer gene’ – family history, genetic background, etc. I’ve been on a waiting list for genetic testing and just got my date – August 9th – though I won’t have the results for a couple of weeks after that. It was easy to ignore the whole thing while I was just on a waiting list but now it’s become very real, and my anxiety is becoming an issue. (I’ll have access to a therapist in August, just not right now.)

    Can anyone recommend any online support groups for this issue? I can’t cope with diving into the woo-crystal / essential oil crowd, I don’t and will not use facebook at all, and I’m hoping someone here will know of a reasonably sane message board or forum with a similar style of commentariat.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t have personal experience, but it looks like facingourrisk dot org has online forums; they require registry, which is, IMHO, a good sign for something like that; less driveby “buy my nutrishake!” stuff.

      And fingers crossed for you. I’m adopted so was ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ on the BRCA risk. It was included in 23andme when I did it, and I honestly hadn’t really worried about the risk until I submitted the test, so I understand the pre-results anxiety. Limbo is the worst.

      1. BRCA-anon*

        Thanks so much, fposte! I wasn’t too fussed about it until my mother started sending pamphlet after link after pamphlet… she’s the one who had cancer (caught early, in remission going on 20 years now), but refuses to get the test done herself, so here we are.

        1. fposte*

          My adoptive mother had breast cancer and eventually died of metastatic breast cancer. That doesn’t change my risk but obviously affects my mindset. At that time, when you got your results, 23andme had a special extra clickthrough with basically “You know you could find out some bad shit, right?” before you got to the BRCA results and the APOe stuff for Alzheimer’s. And I didn’t freeze or anything, but that was an intense moment. I can absolutely see why this is an anxious interval, and I think if you can find a good forum that’s a great way to deal.

      2. Acornia*

        Was it? When I did 23 and me BRACA 1 & 2 were not included, as Myriad Genetics was in the middle of a legal battle over their attempts to patent the gene and its testing. 23andme DID include some testing of “breast cancer markers” but they were NOT BRACA 1 & 2 and they were definitely not clear about it. I was annoyed.
        Granted it’s been a number of years since I did 23 and me and Myriad did lose the patent lawsuit, so who knows…

        1. fposte*

          Yup. It’s gone on and off in availability over the years, and there’s some indication that it doesn’t include enough variants to be useful, but they were in there when I tested.

    2. Acornia*

      I was in a similar situation, went through the testing and was negative. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if the test results were otherwise, and the anxiety is real. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope your results are clear as well.

    3. Sydney Ellen Wade*

      I work in genetics and our counselors recommend FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered) and Bright Pink.

  42. kc89*

    non spoiler comment about season 3 of stranger things

    has anyone else found the sound mixing to be TERRIBLE? I constantly have to turn the volume dramatically up and down because it’s either so loud it hurts my ears (action scenes) or so quiet I can’t hear the dialogue

    I think it’s shockingly bad

    I don’t normally have this problem either, but I don’t see anyone else complaining about it so I feel a bit crazy haha

    1. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I don’t mind the sound mixing too much, but I am here to complain that I don’t recall the first two series being so much of a soap opera. Quit it with the endless relationship talk! I want creature-feature explosion-fest!

    2. Persephone Mulberry*

      I haven’t noticed, but I typically watch with the volume low and captions on anyway.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I binged the entire thing on Thursday night and I didn’t notice that at all. But I did have the volume up a bit because of my air conditioner.

    4. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      I turn close captioning on whenever I watch a show w non-American accents (or if there is lot of background noise)

      It really helps and keeps me from having to turn up the tv too loud

  43. Genetic testing*

    I’m curious about genetic testing without a real need. I do not want to use a service like 23 and Me because they do not abide by HIPAA. Has anyone done this with a genetic counselor out of curiosity rather than as a result of a medical condition? Do you pay out of pocket? Would like to hear anyone’s perspective, thanks!

    1. fposte*

      I haven’t, but I’m interested too. There’s a good section on the NIH website discussing genetic testing for consumers; I’ll link in followup.

      I suspect the more you want to be tested for the more it’s likely to cost; it looks less like 23andme, where you get a big array of findings about all aspects of health with varying degrees of certainty, than an area where subspecialists in things like cancer, etc. predominate.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I had genetic testing done when I was a teen, they were looking for a specific gene/mutation… followed up with a counselor to go over the results. 23andMe is more broad and cheap and looks for tendencies, being certain is expensive and most hospital level testing looks for something specific.

    3. hermit crab*

      My dad (a retired physician) has done it for kicks/because he’s super fascinated by genetics in general. He has an Ashkenazi background so he used one of those services that caters to Jewish couples who want to learn their risk for Tay-Sachs, etc. I think he said it cost a few hundred dollars? He got such a kick out of it that I’m considering it too, even though I’m not having kids and my mom’s/husband’s backgrounds make it very unlikely for there to be any concerns there anyway.

      1. curly sue*

        My partner and I had genetic testing done when I was already pregnant with my first-born. We live in an area with a very small Jewish community and my doctor was so. excited. to do a Tay-Sachs screen for the first time that she put in requisitions for both my husband and I to do them — despite the fact that he’s incredibly WASP / no Jewish background whatsoever, never mind Ashkenazi.

        On the plus side, we now know that he’s entirely Jewish-genetic-illness free. For what that’s worth!

    4. Jack Russell Terrier*

      My concern is: what any flags found mean for health insurance coverage and how Insurance views you. I don’t know who does this but I’m wary about privacy – as you mention. The bottom line for me is, once this done it’s out there, and I wouldn’t do that.

      1. fposte*

        Technically it would be federally illegal to use it against you in health insurance–that’s what GINA forbids–but obviously a law doesn’t mean nobody would ever do it.

    5. WS*

      I’ve done the genetic testing to see how various medications will affect me, and it was super interesting. It also *only* related to that, so there would be no problem with insurance etc. (there will soon be a law passed barring discrimination based on genetic testing but it’s not here yet, so I wouldn’t do more recreational testing for that reason.)

    6. Sydney Ellen Wade*

      I work in genetics and our counselors frequently recommend Color.com. They abide by HIPAA. You pay $250 out of pocket and have the kit mailed to you; a genetic counselor is available to discuss your results over the phone.

    7. Minocho*

      Read the documentation on these carefully. It turns out a lot of these places make money by selling the data gained from your testing. Be sure you understand the consequences of getting tested by the service you choose.

  44. Teapot Translator*

    Exercise thread!
    I’ve reduced my use of the rowing machine to 10-15 minutes then switch to the stationary bike. That way, I focus on learning the technique, but still get my cardio.
    Right now, I hate cardio. It may the type of cardio I’m doing, but because of my foot I can’t do other kinds of cardio. I’m starting a swimming class soon, so maybe I’ll enjoy that more.
    What exercise are you doing?

    1. fposte*

      I hate cardio too. It is probably not coincidental that the more I need cardio the more I hate it. I also am *super* prone to track hack, and it lasts for hours. I think I’ve finally managed to find a sweet–okay, slightly less bitter–spot on my elliptical where I’m getting a decent workout but am able to keep breathing through my nose, which at least means that I don’t spend the whole day coughing.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I tried the elliptical some years ago. My brain and my body could not understand what was going on.
        I’ve also got that kind of cough! It’s never lasted a whole day, though.

        1. fposte*

          I actually like the elliptical–I can close my eyes while I work out and let the music go. I just don’t like the cardio part of cardio.

    2. Persephone Mulberry*

      I’ve done two weeks of my intro to aerial fitness class and I’m on the fence about finishing (it’s a four week series) even though I paid up front because it’s just moving too fast for me. This week I skipped about a third of the poses; the instructor gave us a preview of what’s being covered next week and I know I’ll be able to do less than half. I might reach out to her about a one or two class credit for Aerial Stretch instead.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I hope you can get a credit for other classes instead!
        I don’t mind not being able to do everything in a class, but I expect to have some fun at least.

    3. LGC*

      You might! Another thing you might want to try is road cycling (if you’re a bit braver) – part of this is the TdF starting today, but I’m a big advocate for getting outside in the summer.

      I think part of it might be engagement – cardio is often “boring.” So hopefully you find something interesting!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I never learned how to ride as a child. I’ve signed up for a class, though! I’m starting next week. O_O

        1. LGC*

          …you mentioned that and now I think I remember you posted about that on a weekend thread a couple of weeks ago, right?

          1) good luck!
          2) riding a bike is like…uh, you know. ;)

          The point still kind of stands – cardio work can be boring because it can be repetitive, so it really does help to find a way to make it interesting. I’m not sure if you can take a spin class (or if it’d be something you’d be interested in), but that might help.

          (Although, yeah, it costs more $$$.)

          I forgot to mention my own shenanigans – for whatever reason, I decided to go on a long run this morning. Which would be fine except it was already about 80 degrees and some disgusting percentage of humidity at 7 AM. It wasn’t great! I looked like I had jumped in a pool by the time I got home.

    4. MOAS*

      I did spin twice this week! Once in a class and once on my own.
      Did weights.
      Planning on step class & yoga tomorrow, excited to try something new!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Did you do the weights by yourself or in a class?
        I like yoga, but it’s very teacher dependent. And other people in yoga class can be a little intense.

        1. MOAS*

          Weights I did on my own b/c I’ve done weights before so I am comfortable with those.
          Step and yoga will be in a class.

          I took a yoga/pilates fusion class once and felt really embarrassed that I couldn’t even keep my legs together (thank you to years of slut shaming for not being able to say that last part without feeling awkward AF). The instructor was OK though, I just took a break from working out and never went back. Tomorrow will be vinyasa yoga, lets see how that goes.

          Overall, I get a little nervous being in the gym. I like taking classes but sometimes instructors can be not too great

          1. MOAS*

            The keeping legs together issue is Bx of my body shape I think (thick stomach & waist, straight hips & thighs, thick inner thighs)

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      so excited to have something to report….
      Had my first full pilates class today – took an intro freebie session last week. Paid for just one class and would not sign up last week – wanted to make sure it was not a fluke. It’s a stretch to even have the “4 sessions a month” package at the moment, but I can feel the posture improvement, the stretches, and the core strength even as I sit here. (Who knows what I will feel like tomorrow).

      I’m motivated to see if I can get to the mid-day one at my work gym (free) so I am doing it twice a week. I’m sure the work gym does not have the fancy studio machines but frankly, any class where I am moving is good.

      I also joined a good friend for a 45 minute very brisk walk with her super active dog this afternoon. I’ll be taking my pokey (likes to sniff things, little dog) out after supper for a one mile walk… that’s about her stamina level.

      But super excited to report that I’m happy I did take the class and I signed up for more!
      After I get the posture worked out and some core strength back, I’ll have to get back into cardio, weights, and swimming (I used to do scuba diving… no way could I even lift a tank right now). LOL. But this is a good start.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Lol – are you me? :) Im struggling with core/pelvic stabilisation yet AGAIN after a heavy workload spring saw me sitting way too much and neglecting strength training I had done the previous year that really sorted out a lot of my issues. I want to join a proper swim club again this fall, but I overdid it in my first workout back at the gym and now have either a glute medius strain or that hip bursitis problem, which is now exacerbating my herniated disk issues. Seriously, I see all the young kids at work sitting, sitting, sitting and want to yell at them to make sure they do squats and core conditioning work because the back reaper IS coming for you too!

        At any rate, I think pilates will probably be the best solution for me in order to build the core strength faster to swim better/faster. I love lifting weighs, though, but sometimes its intimidating to be a woman in the weight room at a super crowded gym with Type A dudes around.

    6. Stephanie*

      I’ve tried many things over the years: classes at my local community center (which were good–if you signed up with the right instructor), Curves (which was just okay, but better than nothing, and cheap), barre classes (which I really loved, but weren’t enough for me). I now go to a Fit Body Boot Camp. I LOVE it. It’s expensive, but I’ve found that the cost keeps me more accountable. It’s much easier to justify skipping workouts when you only pay $10 or $20 a month for your membership, but when it’s upwards of $100, I feel super guilty if I skip our for more than two or three days in a row. It is always a different workout, it’s only half an hour, and it’s really fun. I have made good friends through my gym and I’ve lost about 35 pounds since joining almost three years ago. And I’ve stuck with it for three years, which is definitely a first for me.
      *For the record, I HATE cardio, too! One of the things I like about boot camp is that you don’t know until you get there what the day’s workout will be, so you just suck it up and do it.

    7. MindOverMoneyChick*

      I was getting so slack about my workout that I joined Orangetheory several month ago. there I go for a full hour and don’t get bored because the change things up so much.

    8. Nacho*

      I used to go running for a little over half a mile a day every other day + weight lifting, but lately I haven’t been feeling well, so I’ve had to cut that down to just walking without the weights afterwards. I’m beginning to feel better though, so I think I’ll try running again tonight after work.

  45. RMNPgirl*

    I bought a house (yay!). I’ve previously owned a condo and currently own a townhouse, which sold quickly, but I’m so excited to finally not have shared walls!
    However, I close in 3 weeks and have started packing and hate it. I just hate being unsettled and disorganized. I just want to get into the new place and get settled in. How do others handle the chaos of moving?

    1. Roja*

      Congrats! I am there too right now. Pack the invisible stuff first and leave the pictures on the walls as long as possible. If you have a spare room to put the packed boxes in, it can help to stick them in there and close the door.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      I focus on weeding and paring down. It gives me a sense of control and will make unpacking easier. As you pack, think of where things will be in the new place and group and label them accordingly. Measure the rooms in the house if you can and measure your furniture and make a detailed floor plan of where things will go. Basically, make the act of packing part of your daydreaming and anticipation of the new house and when you look at the boxes, mentally look inside the box and see where those things will be when you move.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Good advice here. It actually can be helpful to do a couple of things (pick one or do all). Label each box -with the contents (bedroom closet spare shoes). For some of them … if you are worried about theft (things can get stolen off of trucks or loading docs or even curbside), you can do an inventory sheet of your own, and number each box, and on your sheet, list what’s in it.

      I actually used a color dot system too… bought the yard sale dots/florescent sticker tags, and put red on kitchen items/boxes, yellow on office, green on guest room, blue on master bedroom, pink on bathroom, etc. Take index card(s) and make your own legend. Then you can take one index card, put that color dot on it, and put the card on the door of the room in the new house. That way, when someone is asking you “where do you want this” – they can just match the dot on the box to the dot on the room door, and it is at least in the correct room.

      (We had help from a group that did not speak english last time, and the color coding really simplified things).

      The box inventory sheet (excel is actually good because you can search on it – “hand mixer” for example is easy to find.

      And – don’t overpack. Even if you have help moving in, you may have to shift boxes around. I put bed pillows and extra blankets as packing with heavy pans, etc, so that each box was within my easy weight limit. I used everything – bath towels, extra sheets, winter sweaters – as packing materials. Kept down the volume of waste for bubble pack, and meant I had fewer actual boxes.

      I also kept my “last out/ first in” packed necessities together and made sure I had packed a suitcase, etc, with enough clothes so I could survive if I couldn’t find the rest of my underwear, for example, the first night or two.

    4. Gatomon*

      I’m in the same boat… so far I have packed… 2 boxes… and shredded some documents. I threw out 2 pairs of old shoes. I guess I am handling it by pretending it’s not happening? :(

    5. TPS Cover Sheet*

      When you have boxes in the attic from when you forst moved three moves ago, you need to start buying Marie Kondo books…

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      TheDIYPlaybookdotcom blog just had a post about packing for moving that had some good tips. The post isn’t on the home page anymore but if you click on “load more” at the bottom it’s in the next batch of posts (from June 7th). Congratulations!

    7. Stephanie*

      Congrats on the new house!
      I’m in the same boat–we accepted an offer on our current house on Monday, and are waiting to hear back on the house we want to buy.
      Packing is not fun, but our next house will be house number four for us, so I’ve learned a few things that are helpful.
      I tend to get overwhelmed, and I’ve found that if I just focus on getting one specific thing done before I think about anything else, it helps. Like, the other day, I focused on cleaning out my daughter’s closet. Once I finished that, I moved on to my closet, and so on, until I had finished all of the bedroom closets. Later today, I’ll tackle my bookshelves, which I’m dreading.
      Really, really try to purge as you pack. You do not want to move the same damn box 4 times. Do not be like my husband.
      Put on some good music, set a timer for 30 minutes, and just do it until the timer goes off. Then take a break, and do it again if you’re up to it.
      Pack all of the off season or unessential stuff first. Make sure you have a specific box of necessities for moving day (and make sure it is labeled clearly, and the last box to go on the truck so you can get to it right away): paper towels, basic cleaning supplies, scissors, tape, paper plates and plastic cups, plastic silverware, as well as toiletries, etc. Whatever you’ll want to be able to get your hands on right away as you unpack and get settled in at the new place. There is nothing worse than digging through multiple boxes to find the paper plates so you can eat lunch.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Flylady has a moving checklist I foolishly didn’t use.
      And something I saw too late, there’s a QR labeler/box list product at Walmart to help track contents of what you’ve packed in case you need something sooner than expected.
      Biggest trick I do use was from a friend whose dad was military– pack yourself for a 3week camping trip, then the rest goes into boxes.

  46. Srsly people*

    I’m petite, and about six months ago I was on a medication that caused me to gain about 15 lbs right around my middle. Winter clothing covered it well, but sultry summer means no more sweaters, and I’ve had two people ask me if I were pregnant. Yikes! At 50, I sure hope not. I try to laugh it off but yikes! I’m pretty flat chested so there’s not much to distract from the bump. Any fashion ideas for hiding this?

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      At a sewing show I attended years ago, a presenter, who was a substantial woman in her 60’s, demonstrated the magic of wearing a dark, unbuttoned jacket, which she said created a visual cue that said her waist was smaller than it really was. Only a handspan-width 9about 4 inches) of her pink t-shirt showed. She removed the jacket to demonstrate that now her waist looked huge (and very pink). She then replaced the jacket and showed that the slimming dark frame on either side of the pink shirt did indeed make her look smaller. The loose drape of the jacket skimmed over her curves, and indeed did the trick. I have never forgotten it. I was skinny as a rake all my life until 50 & menopause – then boom – thick waist. I do the ‘4 inch waist trick’ every day. :) Jackets that end at the hips work best, as jackets that end at the waist just emphasize the issue.

      1. Gram's girl*

        I think I saw the same woman do her presentation. The 4″ waist rrick is my go to look whenever I go out of the house.

      2. Bluebell*

        My boss did that many years ago to hide her pregnancy. Bright blouses and black blazers got her to the five month mark before she told people.

      1. Srsly people*

        My lack of boob means the empress cut clothing drapes from my belly, sadly.

    3. Policy wonk*

      Spanx and clothes that create a visual waist to cover your real one. Look at how Oprah dresses – she knows all the vidual cues.

    4. Auntie Social*

      Talbots 3/4 sleeve shirts and tunics–they skim the body and end at the hip. Split necks are flattering too.

    5. Isabekka*

      Solidarity from a life long apple shape, also with small boobs. After a lot of time and experimenting I developed some guidelines for myself.
      First bias cut dresses are best avoided as they are like wearing a bright red neon light strapped to my stomach. Bias cut skirts if worn, are best with tops that are long enough to cover the stomach. I find I look better wearing clothes made from fabrics that skim, rather than cling. If you wear dresses try a straight shift; I love mine, they skim over my stomach and look fab.
      If you wear jeans try a pair that go a bit further up the body. I found pairing them with tops that left untucked did wonders for making my stomach rolls virtually disappear. If you have not had a bra fit in the last six months to a year, consider getting fitted for a new bra because if you get the right one it can make a big difference. Finally these guidelines are what I found work well for me. You might try them and find that they don’t work for you, but the advantage of experimenting is you learn what works for you. So experiment and try on as much stuff as you can; there’s no rule that you have to buy any of it. Best wishes,

  47. Seifer*

    Lately I’ve had an obsession with houseplants. Like… I’m not allowed to go to the hardware store anymore because instead of gazing starry eyed at tools, I will walk out with a cart full of houseplants. They’re just so nice to take care of and not super high maintenance. And the patio of the apartment complex that I live in is just SO windy that my patio garden tends to fall over. Anyone else really into their houseplants lately?

    I recently split a neon pothos and let me tell you, that thing is TRAILING like crazy. I also have five (damn, when did that happen?!) fiddle leaf figs, and a small army of succulents. Oh, and snake plants. Love me my snake plants.

    1. Overeducated*

      What kind do you find easiest to take care of? I really want one/some (part of project Make Apartment Look Like Adults Live In It), but I’ve managed to kill all indoor herbs, and my succulents didn’t survive a move, so I have the opposite of a green thumb.

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        Snake plants are super durable, although you can drown them by overwatering, eventually.

      2. Venus*

        The key is light – how many hours a day does your window have direct light? If none (balcony above or north window) then try a spider plant (they are often in workplaces for this reason). Despite looking delicate, my orchids are doing well (I find they need cold to flower, so I put them near but not toucing a window in winter, and I water them by spraying water on them weekly but not letting them sit in water – I have also seen instructions to ‘water’ by placing 3 ice-cubes weekly in the pot). I also do well with christmas cactus, where the key (which appplies to many plants) is to let the soil get a bit dry before watering them, and always drain the water. Most problems are to over-water, and then the roots start rotting and the plant can’t absorb water so then it looks thirsty and it gets watered more which drowns more roots until it dies.

      3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        There’s a really inexpensive water “meter” ($4.95 US @ Walmart), that tells you how dry the roots are. There’s a chart on the back that tells you which plants fall into which category of dryness (as in, “X” plant needs to be kept in the green moist zone, “Z” in the red wet zone for soil, etc).

        My mom swears by it. All of my plants took off when she was staying with me and used it 2x a week. She avoided overwatering by using it; just watered the ones that needed it. I have subsequently killed the ones that can’t survive on a “you get watered on Saturdays only” regime.

      4. Seifer*

        Pothos! And ZZ plants. Both of them can thrive on low light and neglect. I also find my fiddle leaf figs really easy to take care of. They thrive on bright indirect light and neglect, so a south facing window and water once every two-ish weeks. Baby rubber plants are pretty easy as well. Actual rubber plants I have less luck with because they need bright light and my apartment doesn’t really get bright light.

        One of my favorite things for growing pothos is to mount either a curtain rod or some plumbing fixtures (long threaded pipe and some flanges and elbows) into the ceiling or in the wall super close to the ceiling and then hang a planter there. They’ll explode, especially if you put that bar near a window and then you will have cute trailing plants. Also plant food. The Miracle Gro stuff is totally fine. I did not know this, but just because plants can thrive on just sunlight and water doesn’t mean that they like to. When they’re in the wild, they get nutrients from the ground, but when we take them inside, we have to supplement. After I was like, “yeah okay that makes sense,” and bought plant food, my plants went frickin’ gangbusters.

  48. One (1) Anon*

    I am very, very tired of value and moral judgements being assigned to food choices, both by myself and by people around me. It makes me want to scream.

    1. Ethyl*

      +1 to this. I have a dicey digestive tract and some of what works best for my stomach looks like not the healthiest options (white rice and white bread, whole grains give me Issues), and some really healthy things I wish I could eat I have an allergy to (quinoa! y u in everything?!). So people comment on that, then they also comment on how “healthy” I eat when I eat broiled chicken breast and steamed spinach when meanwhile it’s the entirety of what isn’t making me sick this week. There is no winning!

    3. Parenthetically*

      I have culled my social media HARD in the last year or so, and started following some AMAZING intuitive eating accounts that fight so hard against that culture of moralizing food. It’s been really refreshing. I’m currently eating fast food because it fit my hectic day today. It tastes so good, and I’m enjoying every bite, and I’m (thankfully) basically out of room in my head to feel bad about it. It’s just a meal. It doesn’t make me a good or bad person.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Any recommendations on the intuitive eating accounts? Food moralizing has been one of my pet peeves for years, but it’s still hard for me to get my head around intuitive eating. Not because of any lingering good/bad food ideas, but because I just don’t seem to feel the intuition, if that makes sense. But it’s difficult to find things to read about food and eating that aren’t a bunch of clean eating woo.

        1. Parenthetically*

          The F*ck It Diet is fantastic. Evelyn Tribole is sort of the matriarch of the intuitive eating world, so if you want someone who’s like your aunt if your aunt was super emotionally healthy and wanted to encourage you to have a great relationship with food, she’s a good one to follow. Tiffany Roe is great too. I also follow @immaeatthat, @graciously_nourished, @drclaudiafelty, @kristamurias, and just for fun @dietcultureinc, which is a parody account taking the piss out of diet culture, and it’s great. Most of the accounts I follow are RDs who are really into the research and science aspect of intuitive eating, which I like. They’re also all HAES proponents, which is essential for me.

    4. Washed Out Data Analyst*

      It’s ridiculous. I’m personally tired of the carb-demonizing. I’ve had people criticize me for daring to *gasp!* eat rice, potatoes, or bread with my meal. I actually eat what you would otherwise call “healthy” foods (veggies, lean protein, nothing fried…) but apparently that’s not good enough for some people. Also, eating sweets and fried stuff in moderation is fine.

      1. One (1) Anon*

        Yes! The whole “I’m cheating by eating sweets or fast food, I’m so naughty” thing is EXHAUSTING. There’s nothing wrong with eating either of those things, if it’s accompanied by a healthy diet of protein and veggies, damnit.

        Hell, cake alone is made of fat and flour and sugar, all of which are found in pretty much everything else in varying amounts. That fat and grains and glucose is not any inherently worse for you than oil in your stirfry, a plate of rice, or some pineapple.

        I have a working theory that the stress we inflict on our bodies via food-shaming only ever makes us want more “bad” food, tbh.

        1. Washed Out Data Analyst*

          Exactly! Sugar is sugar. It’s in a higher amount in cake than, say, an apple, but if you monitor your overall consumption of sugar, it won’t kill you to eat a slice of cake now and again. Sweets aren’t toxins. Your body needs sugar at the end of the say. As long as you are eating a balanced diet (again…MODERATION), then none of these things are harmful.

    5. Jane of all Trades*

      So with you on that. Nobody in my friend group does it, but some people at work seem to love those conversations – along the lines of “I was SO bad yesterday. I ate [whatever]”. I don’t engage at all, it doesn’t make for interesting conversation and the last thing I need is to add an element of guilt into my eating. I eat what works for me, done.

  49. Sam Sepiol*

    I’m just whining really, but if anyone has any thoughts I’m interested :)

    I’ve been on dating apps since April and haven’t found anyone to meet irl yet.

    I’ve messaged a few women (I’m a woman FWIW) and had messages back which haven’t really gone anywhere, and a few women have messaged me who I’ve engaged with but who haven’t really been my vanilla soy latte.

    Meanwhile there are some women who look right up my street, who are looking for similar to me, who are similar levels of attractiveness who just… don’t write back.

    It’s sad. It’s over two years now since i realised my marriage was DEAD, over 18 months since I actually ended it. It’s taken me a long long time to be ready to date and now I want to be dating, but I guess I’ll have to wait until someone wants to come over all Abba and take a chance on me.

    On a related note, HER is the most frustrating app EVER. It took me an age to work out how it works and that is the only app where I’m regularly getting likes from women I’d absolutely definitely be interested in….. but they’re all a minimum of 200km from me. I am a single parent who works. I haven’t got time to date people that far away. What a waste.

    1. Donut Bun*

      I can commiserate. I was exploring a while ago and used Tinder. All the women (I’m a woman) I spoke to were looking for LTR or a partner for a threesome. NTTAWT but not what I want.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Everyone’s looking for that unicorn! You’re not in the north of England by any chance?! ;)

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Tinder really should add a ‘couples’ category that people can ID as – it’d save everyone a lot of time and annoyance.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      As someone who has spent time doing the online dating thing, I say to you: Since April?! Bah! That’s nothing! I mean this is a kind and supportive way of course; ime it does take a bit of time – as far as I am concerned you should in no way be discouraged!
      Example: first time I internet-dated, my friend referred to anyone I got in contact with as “project” A, B, C etc. I was on L by the time I met someone (irl but I wouldn’t have had the guts to go, oh we should meet up here’s my number, as I did, had I not been on a bunch of dates) who I was with for a few years. Next stint: well Project 17 is next to me checking out HotUKDeals and pretending our knitted PGTips Monkey is talking to me. It’s been seven years now.

      My tips: Take courage; it is a bit of a slog and you may need to give yourself a pep talk occasionally (or post on here and we’ll oblige).
      It’s a numbers game. Trawl the sites, send messages/“winks” etc – get in touch with as many suitable people as you can (I mean, don’t wait for them to come to you) in the knowledge that you have to kiss a few frogs before you find a princess/prince.
      Arrange to meet up with anyone with potential ASAP – you never really know until you meet and there’s no point building your hopes up if they aren’t right for you. And if they are, the sooner the better!

      1. Sam sepiol*

        I mean… I know it’s not very long. And I know that part of my problem is that one of my friends met her partner and had left the apps within four months so that has skewed my norms. But still. I’m way past L and not far off 17. I’m not expecting to meet anyone I might be serious about until like JDL or whatever that translates into in whole numbers! But I’d like to go on one or two dates, even if they’re long shots, just to feel like maybe one day, even in the very distant future, there will be someone.

    3. Person from the Resume*

      HER is badly designed in a number of ways. Mostly if I said “no” don’t show her to me again in 5 minutes. But HER has less couples than Tindr.

      I’ve been trying for 1.5 years now. Sometimes not regularly checking. I’ve been on maybe 10 dates, most only one date.

      IDK. It’s hard / not easy. I wish it wasn’t so hard.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Haha, so true.
        Fistbump of solidarity.
        I like Captain Awkward’s very specific dating profiles. I also just listened to a Freakonomics episode on online dating from an economic perspective. Going to revamp my profile. And I’m spending time with friends next weekend, hopefully I’ll get some nice new pictures (that’s the problem with being single, all my photos are selfies, doh).

  50. Curlz*

    Any suggestions for unscented hair products? I’m a woman with medium-curly hair, but I’m sensitive to smells. I’m looking for a shampoo, conditioner, and something to smooth frizz and/or help my curls stay “locked” (like, distinct locks instead of loose strands that all bend the same way, if that makes sense) without being stiff/crunchy. It’s okay if it smells a bit when first put on, so long as it dissipates quickly. Preferably not expensive; I don’t have much money to work with.

    1. KR*

      Try bumble and bumble curl primer. It’s a non aerosol spray. It doesn’t necessarily lock your curls but it reduces frizz a lot. I’d see about seeing if you can get a sample size because they run about 30 bucks a bottle.

    2. Bebop*

      I’m looking for an unscented shampoo too!

      I tried Wholefoods’ 365 Everyday Value unscented shampoo and conditioner recently. Smelled like absolutely nothing, which was awesome, but it’s sulfate free and I couldn’t get it to suds up. I’ve heard sulfate free is good for keeping hair from being frizzy so might be good for you. (I don’t have frizzy hair so it’s not a plus for me. I have very little time to take shower in the morning and can’t fool around with shampoo that isn’t getting sudsy, so that was a major negative for me.)

      2. Enough*

        Suds have no factor in cleaning. Example is HE front load washers that will take forever trying to rinse out suds so detergent are low sud.

    3. NB*

      I’m curly, too. I like DevaCurl products a lot. They are pretty expensive, though, so I use a knock-off version from Bed Bath and Beyond called Lovely Curls. These products do have a scent (sort of lemony), but I haven’t noticed the scent lasting. Maybe I just get used to it and don’t smell it anymore.

    4. Curlz*

      Thanks for the suggestions, I’ll look them up when I get a chance! I forgot to mention that one of my “safe scents” is peppermint (unless I’m having a really bad day). I would prefer an unscented product because I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite if I ask others to wear less perfume or say that I can’t handle the air freshener, etc., but if the product is good, I could probably handle a peppermint scent.

      I do have migraines and allergies, but it’s mainly a sensory issue. Smells are hard for me to ignore or get used to, so I end up focusing on them and being seriously distracted by them from everything else, like when you get an itch somewhere you can’t publicly scratch.

      BTW, right now I wash my hair with a Dove sensitive skin bar and use a touch of mildly-scented children’s curling cream as frizz control (only on the top of my head, not throughout my hair). My hair is clean, but not very pretty.

    5. Booksalot*

      Stonybrook Botanicals Fragrance Free and Unscented shampoo and conditioner. No masking agents, SLS or parabens; no animal testing.

      The only thing I can smell is a small whiff of alcohol when I first pour it into my hand, but that fades on the hair. There is almost no lather, which is weird until you get used to it.

    6. Washed Out Data Analyst*

      Free and Clear is a scent free brand of shampoo and conditioner. However, I’m not too crazy about the conditioner. I haven’t yet found a fragrance-free conditioner that works.

    7. acmx*

      I use Ouidad humidity control gel. Not super cheap but you also don’t need a lot. I think the scent is on the lighter side and definitely less than Deva Curl smell.

      I don’t use the s&c because I don’t want to pay the (literal) price and I’m fine with the scent and results of what I do use (Aussie or TreSemme usually).

    8. Autumn Wind*

      Jessicurl products can all be purchased in an unscented variety. Really good stuff and several different choices for cleansing, conditioning and styling products.

    9. Emily*

      I think that Jessicurl, as another commenter mentioned, might be a good option. A search at r/curlyhair for “unscented” also pulls up some ideas. (If you’re into more natural solutions you could try aloe or homemade flaxseed gel, but your mileage may vary on those.)

      Re: peppermint, Trader Joe’s has a sulfate-free shampoo and conditioner line (“Tea Tree Tingle”) that smells minty. The shampoo has a pretty strong scent when it comes out of the bottle, but I haven’t noticed it lingering in my hair. I haven’t tried the conditioner yet, so I can’t say whether or not the smell from it sticks around. (I just bought them, like, a week ago, so I can’t provide a comprehensive review!)

  51. MikeeBeth*

    About two weeks ago our dryer quit working. It just won’t start. The light was coming on inside, so we knew it wasn’t a power issue, but it seemed like the door switch wasn’t working. We changed it and it still didn’t work, and broke the new switch trying to get it back out. We tried bypassing the switch to see if that was the only problem and it still didn’t start. This whole process is taking kind of long because we’ve been having to buy the tools and parts to check these things. At this point, we’re leaning towards just buying a new dryer. We’ll have enough money next month to buy the dryer without dipping into our emergency fund, but right now there are still 4th of July sales happening. So should we continue trying to diagnose and fix the problem on our own, buy a new dryer now with the emergency fund while dryers are on sale, or buy a new dryer next month without dipping into savings?

    1. Policy wonk*

      If the dryer you want is on sale now, buy it with the emergency funds and be sure to replenish the emergency funds next month. Write yourself an IOU or whatever you need to make sure you rdimburse the emergency fund. A month without a dryer is a long time.

      1. MikeeBeth*

        It really is! We’ve been using a clothesline but we end up with huge loads that don’t all fit on the clothesline and because we’re disorganized end up leaving all our clothes in a damp heap that winds up needing to be washed again and UGH IT’S AWFUL. There’s a reason people don’t use clotheslines anymore lol.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            That’s a nice style to get! I bought something almost the same as what you linked here and I have had it for almost 30 years. I just can’t kill it, no matter how much stuff I load on it.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              I encountered it on a long trip to Scandinavia…used by everyone in that dorm because the driers burned clothes.

        2. valentine*

          I hang most of my wet clothes by themselves in a closet and they dry fine. Previously, I put them on a sheet on the floor or draped them on whatever they wouldn’t soak.

          Doesn’t the wind blow dust and dirt onto your clothes?

          1. Not So NewReader*

            The wind really does not hurt the clothes.
            Now if there is a dry and dusty wind then you might not want to hang things out. But on a sunny day with a nice breeze, that’s perfect. And everything smells so good when you bring it in. I love sleeping on line dried sheets, I just never have the time to line dry them.

          2. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Totally depends on environment. Closet wouldn’t work in 85% humidity…and 10% humidity might well have dust.

    2. Auntie Social*

      Call a handyman or appliance repair guy for $40 and see if he can diagnose it. Dryers are pretty easy to fix.

      1. MikeeBeth*

        I thought about that, I feel bad for just running out and buying a dryer. I looked today in the latest Consumer Reports since there’s an article that talks about reliability of appliances and there was something that mentioned that usually dryers can be fixed.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      Does it have an LED panel? You can look up model repair manuals online and find out how to view & interpret error codes.

      Sometimes it’s just something being clogged or jammed, or needing a reset.

      I assume you’ve already cleaned the exhaust duct thoroughly? That’s the most common reason for mysterious shutoffs. The automatic override kicks in if it starts overheating.

      1. MikeeBeth*

        It doesn’t have an LED panel, it’s super basic. We didn’t clean the duct, though I would think if that’s the only thing that it is it would have started again once it cooled off. It was over several days that it didn’t start. According to what we researched, the voltage test we ran on the door switch was broken and needed to be replaced so we’re going to have to replace that no matter what I think. Haven’t tested the thermal fuse yet, and that is supposedly something else that frequently breaks and causes this type of issue.

        2. Dr. Anonymous*

          I’m only a bit handy and I’ve replaced thermostats and thermal fusses before. The door switch could be the only thing broken (it would totally stop your dryer from running) and that could be the end of it. What the heck? It’s already broken; just be careful and pay attention to tightening electrical connections and take a shot at it.

          1. MikeeBeth*

            Well, we bypassed it with a jump wire and it didn’t turn on so it would seem that it’s not the only thing. I do want to try testing the thermal fuse though, we didn’t get to that yet

            1. Dr. Anonymous*

              Sorry, I didnt’ read carefully. I think it’s worth trying one more easy thing before you move on to dryers on sale. Good luck!

      2. MikeeBeth*

        Well, on our particular model of dryer the thermal fuse is actually a high limit thermostat apparently and it’s really difficult to get to. We’ve decided to give up and buy a new dryer with all the frustration it’s been giving us.

    4. Ron McDon*

      Does it have an ‘overheat reset’ button?

      A few years ago our dryer stopped working so I called out a repairman; he asked if we’d tried the reset button – I looked at him blankly (we’d bought the dryer secondhand and didn’t have a manual for it).

      He showed me a red button on the side which had popped up. When he pushed it back in, the dryer worked! It was a safety device which stopped the dryer working if it overheated.

      That was an expensive lesson…!

  52. Me--Blargh!*

    LOL upside down kitty!

    I’ve packed two bookcases. Four more to go! *dead*

    I’ve let go of way more books than I thought I could. But I still have more that I want to keep. There is really NO furniture in here I can’t live without or that cannot be replaced (including the bookshelves). So if I end up storing stuff, it can be all books, DVDs, one TV, art, and the platform bed I’m using as a sofa, which folds up. I can get a bed-in-a-box mattress for that later. It would take up far less space than if I had a whole houseful of furniture. I still haven’t decided about crafts stuff.

    I still have nowhere to go, and only a bare lead on a temp job here in LittleCity (I do not want to stay here), nor will I know anything about that mentorship until sometime in August. My brother texted he may have some ideas and that he was going to call me but he hasn’t yet (I talked it over with him since two heads are better than one).

    I’ve been trying to be open to other ways of doing this. But the conundrum still exists — I need to leave, but I can’t leave unless I sell the house, but I can’t sell it until I have somewhere to go, but I can’t go until I sell it. It’s an obstacle, definitely! There has to be a way around or through it. There just HAS to. I know I can’t count on that mentorship happening, but the thought of getting it and then having to turn it down because I can’t get there makes me want to scream until my lungs fall out. Which is not useful, LOL. I need my lungs.

    1. Lilysparrow*

      Pardon me for not recalling the details, but:

      A) How much cushion would you get by selling, in terms of being able to rent, have living expenses, etc?

      B) Do you have a friend or family member who would let you park a moving pod at their place?

      If so, then you can go ahead & sell, leave the pod, and take short-term rentals until you figure out the city/job situation.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        A) Not much. :(

        B) No, and that’s the problem. I have nowhere to park myself either. I’m only packing up in case I end up taking flight.

    2. Sungold*

      Sell the house on condition that you can rent back from the new owners for a month or two. Then you’ll have cash in hand and some time to look for your next place, wherever it is.

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        Good idea, if I had any cash. I have nothing. My next-place cash would have to come from the house and it won’t be enough to sustain me, or to move if I burn through it renting the house.

    3. LuckySophia*

      Also… ask a realtor if you could put the house up for sale with the condition that the buyers had to accept a 45-day or 60-day close? Then you’d have a month and a half, or two months to find a new place / new job before you had to be physically out of the old place

    4. YetAnotherUsername*

      I don’t know the back story here but why can’t you rent out your house furnished and use the rent money to rent elsewhere? If hat way you have income (assuming rent is more than your mortgage) and a place to store your stuff. Or even sublet a room or two and stay there with youruntil you figure out your next step?

    5. Me--Blargh!*

      This is literally the last time I’m posting about this.

      The only way I could get the money to move, either for a job or the mentorship, would be by selling my house. Which I cannot do in the three weeks I would have to relocate for said mentorship, if I got it, so I need to do it NOW. Either way, I can’t stay in this city, because no one here will hire me.

      A family member who has been helping me doesn’t want me to move in for a couple of months, which would actually help me and her both. I can’t count on her. I thought I could count on her, but this is about her control issues. They’re more important than I am and now I need to figure out a way to do this without her.

      If I actually get into that program, I am NOT losing out because of this bullshit, even if I have to abandon everything. Although I’m really starting to wish my friend who told me about it hadn’t told me about it.

  53. Donut bun*

    Regular going anon.

    So. I messed up majorly. I was having a rough morning and just lost my cool and I’m spiraling I think.

    I was at the grocery store. It’s an underground parking lot. As I was reversing out, one of the workers was collecting the carts so there was a huge line of carts behind my car. In front of him was a car waiting to take my spot. So it felt like to me a very very tight spot to maneuver out of. I kept trying to reverse and drive out without hitting the cart line behind me and the back of the car parked next to me. The driver wouldn’t move so the cart guy could move much.The cart guy moved up a few inches but there was still a long line of carts behind me.

    Eventually I made it out. I drive up and there’s a stop sign. Facing the opposite direction was driver that was waiting to take my spot. he starts making gestures and yelling at me. Saying I shouldn’t drive I’m an idiot I should have my license taken away I shouldn’t be on the road.

    While I was registering what he was saying ppl started honking at me so I lost my temper and just screamed F you. Gave the finger and I drove off.

    I feel horrible. I wish I could’ve just ignored him. Or be snarky or funny Or just curiously asked him what was wrong since he had so much feedback to provide. Just not gotten angry. I could’ve handled it better so many ways. I’m already always edgy and paranoid that someone might record me on an off day and I try my best to not lose my cool. I’m scared I was being recorded and this’ll end up on the internet and my life will be ruined.

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      The other person here was horrible! What a very mean thing to do.

      I’m sorry you had to go through that. Of course you could have handled it better, but I can understand in the circumstances that you didn’t.

      Hugs. I hope no one did record it.

      1. Donut Bun*

        Aw thanks!

        I consider myself a pretty decent driver. So that really hit me HARD. I’m very careful and cautious, I stick to the speed limit, I try to leave enough space when parking, I don’t overtake drivers.

        I’ve had people blwo past stop signs and give me the finger, or when I stopped at a stop sign, they came out behind me and went in front (wtf???). Just yesterday some weirdo came up next to me at a red light and made a left turn (illegal). TWICE a hit and run driver has smashed up my quietly parked car….so for ME to be told I need to get off the road made me so angry.

        1. lasslisa*

          A lot of drivers think about inconvenience more than about safety, and are proud of how fast, how aggressively they can drive, how closely they can tailgate the car in front of them, etc. You being careful, respecting the speed limit, etc. is exactly the sort of thing that would set that sort of person off.

          It’s not an objective fact about reality that he’s seeding into the universe by saying it – it’s one driver who is mad that you took 6 minutes instead of 2 to back out of a spot because you were leaving a buffer of space.

          And, getting out of the way when people started to honk is a completely good response. What was important there was not his feelings or your feelings but driving safely and clearing the driveway for the next cars. In order to have a debate with him about your driving you would have had to waste a bunch of people’s time, that wouldn’t actually have been better.

    2. WellRed*

      Too late now, but sometimes when I get people drivers frustrated at me, rightly ir wrongly, I…flash the peace sign. It’s both an apology/acknowledgement if it’s my bad or a take chill pill buddy, you’ll get there signal.

      1. Donut Bun*

        Ooo i should add that. I usually do the thumbs up or hand up to gesture “Thank you!” for letting me merge on to their lane.

        1. valentine*

          A reverse peace sign would’ve been perfect.

          I can’t believe he didn’t bother taking the space and the cart guy could’ve split the carts and/or waited.

          1. Donut Bun*

            In order for the cart guy to move up, he would’ve had to back up. Which he didn’t. He sat there. Cart guy stood there waiting. I get flustered easily when it comes to parking/exiting esp when people are staring.

      2. fposte*

        Oh, I like that. I’ve often wished there was a good “oops, my bad” wave and this might work.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Oh, wow. Sorry you went through that. We all have bad moments. You’re just human like the rest of us.
      (but I too hope it wasn’t recorded)

    4. kc89*

      it happens! as long it doesn’t happen a lot, it’s whatever

      I will say one of the funniest things I ever saw my mom do was zoom after a man who flipped her off while driving and roll her window down and really sincerely say “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Did I do something wrong???” and the man was so disarmed he just kept waving and going “no I’m sorry! You’re fine!” lol it was hilarious

      1. Donut bun*

        I wanted so badly to have a conversation with the guy and be like what’s wrong with my driving?

        But ppl started honking and they sets me on edge so much that I lost all rationale.

    6. Donut Bun*

      So, someone told me that apparently the guy can report this incident to the DMV and my license can get revoked. I don’t believe that can happen

      1. fposte*

        That is just BS from start to finish (the DMV, with their well-known traffic policing? The ever-vigilant removal of swearing people from the nation’s highways? The ability to get anybody’s license revoked with just an unsubstantiated report?), but I’m wondering who told it to you and why it stuck with you. Do you know what their goal was in passing this lore on to you? Are they somebody you could just listen less to in general?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Agreeing really hard with fposte.
          The person who made this comment has absolutely NO concept of how our systems work, their understanding is so dismal that I have to ask: do they actually reside on THIS planet?

          I have a story that compares some what. My husband passed away at home. I was the only one in the house. A friend told me that I wouldn’t get the life insurance because no one witnessed his death.

          I moved away from that friendship. The reasons apply to your setting:
          1) This is horrible advice.
          2) It’s totally UNfounded.
          3) It’s not helpful. A true friend sees a problem and offers to help remedy said problem.
          4) Why would my friend wish something like this on me? Why did they not try to comfort me in some manner?

          You did nothing to cause this problem. I will say it again, you did nothing to cause this problem. It was just a bottleneck that is all.

          But I am ticked at your friend on your behalf.

        2. lasslisa*

          Whoever this was, what a perfect example of catastrophizing. Skipped over all the steps in the middle, just “what’s the worst possible thing I can think of that’s got some connection to what happened?” Oh, it was driving, maybe the DMV, bureaucracy is scary and unpredictable so anything could happen!

          Probably a good person to listen to less. Especially if they are also involved in putting ideas like “you getting mad is going to go viral on the internet and ruin your life” into your head.

      2. Ain’t Miss Behavin’*

        I guess I don’t understand what you did wrong. You were in an impossible position, and it was on the other driver to get out of the way so the cart guy could get out of YOUR way. Then he has the audacity to yell at YOU and tell you you shouldn’t be on the road? I don’t blame you for blowing up at him! I hereby absolve you of all guilt. And.. If he can report you to the DMV, you can report him to the DMV. BTW, where do you live that people pull around you when you stop at a stop sign?! That’s just outrageous to me.

        2. Donut bun*

          I guess he could see that there was a lot of space for me to turn out in one shot. I was too slow, taking too long. I have a hard time judging how close the front of my car is to another when parking. (Driving I always stay far back enough to see their tires).

          I hope the next 10 times he has a food craving, the place doesn’t carry it and he has to Go without.

          1. Ain’t Miss Behavin’*

            Well, for what it’s worth, I appreciate people who take their time pulling into and out of parking spaces. And I applaud you for standing up for yourself, regardless of the method. Maybe he’ll think twice the next time he tries to bully someone.

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Don’t let this nonsense get into your head. First of all, I’m pretty sure the DMV doesn’t have the power to take away your license. You’d need a conviction of something relevant for that. And in order to get a conviction you’d have to do something illegal. Screaming F you at a big jerk who is yelling at you when he was in the wrong is not illegal. Maybe not ideal, but you are allowed to speak your mind. I would have probably done the same thing.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Yes, I live in NYS. Some of NYC laws are different but there are overarching concepts.
          DMV will not take your license UNLESS there are charges against you that have been FINALIZED by a court. (Two parts here, receiving a ticket, finalizing by a court)

          You’d have to get a ticket. You have to plead guilty or not guilty (then go to court) and receive a fine notice that you must pay.

          I will go one step further, I’d question whether police even have jurisdiction to ticket someone INSIDE a parking garage. I dunno.

          I cannot imagine a more thoughtless thing for your friend to say.

    7. Blue Eagle*

      Sometimes in a situation like this I will get out of the car and walk back towards the store. That way the car that is waiting for my spot will drive away and then I can return and back out at my own leisure.
      Come to think of it there was a study done on this. They timed how long it took people to back out of their parking spots and found that
      – when no one is waiting, people backed out the fastest
      – when someone is waiting for the spot, people back out slower
      – when someone is waiting for the spot and seems to be rushing the person who is in the spot, people back out the slowest.

      1. Donut Bun*

        I’ve done that. Someone honked and I took my sweet time coming out. It’s not like I have a coveted spot, it’s not crowded and they can easily find another spot.

      2. Curlz*

        It makes sense that people would back out slower when someone was waiting for the spot – they’re making sure they won’t hit the person behind them. It’s not a matter of going slower out of spite.

    8. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Don’t worry. Things happen.

      Heh.. I remember going to see my parents, they were on their 70’s, so there is me sitting in the kitchen with mom and she flips me the bird and asks ”what does this mean? Is it like **** ****”… now this happened 30 years ago in a country in Europe where you didn’t really use gestures like that. Well, I’m a bit taken aback and asked why she was asking… and she said ”well your dad took us to the mall, and there was this young man that nearly ran ito us, and your father went like this…” and she is making a face end flipping the bird… ”… and the young man came so angry…” yes mom, it does mean **** ****… ”damn, I wish I had known this earlier, so handy! there is a couple people I need to show it… ” …MOM!

      Now I wasn’t sure if I should be more worried of my father’s driving at 70, or my mom going around in her flower hat flipping the bird…

    9. Courageous cat*

      I suspect you’re giving this incident much more weight than it’s worth. Your reaction is normal. No one is likely to record you and god forbid if they did, it doesn’t sound like it was exactly juicy enough to go viral.

      Forgive yourself for being a normal human being.

      1. Donut Bun*

        Thank you for your comment. I’ve been thinking a lot about this…that I have always had to apologize or feel ashamed for being “normal.”

  54. Am I a hypocrite?*

    I’m all for gender equality and meritocracy but when I made a doctors appointment recently , I asked for a woman. I knew there would be a Pap smear involved and while I’ve had them performed by male and female doctors, the older I get and the more bad news I’ve received from them, I tend to prefer a woman. On one hand emotional comfort / less stress in these situations is good. On the other, male gynecologists exist and they need as much training/ experience as women and I’m being discriminatory. As patients, do you have a preference? For any doctors out there is it frustrating to not get certain kinds of experience because the patient specifies wanting a specific gender? And this doesn’t even address transgender/ nonbinary doctors… thanks.

    1. anon for this*

      I’ll be interested to hear from the other side but, as a patient, I really put a premium on my own emotional comfort/safety so I go with doctors I’m comfortable with. As a victim of CSA, I’ve found that having a female ob-gyn is an absolute necessity.

      1. valentine*

        You’re the patient and they have most of the power. Center yourself and keep asking for women (assuming you’re including trans women). You can be inclusive by asking for no men, but only do it if that really feels right for you. Male doctors aren’t going to wallow in ignorance because of you.

        I’ve had strange reactions to even asking if a doctor was a woman, my doctor keeps referring me to men, choosing women has been disastrous for me (two tortured me; a third lied in her notes), but I’m just not comfortable with men and my male gynecologist wants me to smile for no reason and has had a male resident with him.

        1. Lilysparrow*

          How would you even know if your doctor was trans, though? I mean, my psychological comfort is in my head, so if I prefer a she, and my doc presents as a she, what I don’t know can’t make me uncomfortable.

          It’s important for a doctor to know if the patient is trans, but irrelevant the other way around (unless maybe they are explaining that they can empathize with a trans patient).

          I certainly don’t want to walk into a new patient appointment and get told about the doctor’s personal medical history! That’s inappropriate.

        2. TL -*

          Okay normally I agree with “you shouldn’t differentiate between a transwoman and a ciswoman” but honestly for a Pap smear – go with who makes you most comfortable. If that means you’re giving in to some biases, (race/ethnicity, gender, cis/trans, cultural or language-matched) as long as you don’t let that translate into ugly behavior elsewhere in your life, go for the doctor that you are comfortable with.

    2. MOAS*

      I come from a strict religious/cultural background, and while I’m past most of it, and all for equality…for a routine vaginal examination I will always go to a woman if I can. I’ve seen male Drs for pretty much everything else (dental mental regular etc). For obgyn stuff, I wouldn’t care if it were an emergency/urgent care. I don’t think this makes me a hypocrite if I dont’ want a strange man touching my private parts unnecessarily.

    3. Sparkly Lady*

      I want an OB/Gyn who shares my parts and thus has experience being on the receiving end of the operations they’re performing. I think this is reasonable.

      I also think it ultimately doesn’t matter. Ob/Gyn stuff is already really vulnerable. I think patients need to make whatever choices work for us. I’m sympathetic to male gynecologists, but I don’t think it’s our responsibility to subsume our own emotional needs for their professional development.

    4. Not Me*

      I’ve never found a female obgyn I liked. My current doctor I’ve been seeing for 7-9 years (I don’t remember off the top of my head) he’s male and he’s always been wonderful. He listens without dismissing my thoughts, where as the females I’ve seen would dismiss my issues “that happens to everyone!” “better than the opposite!” “this is just routine, we’ll just run through it without discussion” etc.

      I read a study once that discussed how male obgyns have had to try harder to be accepted in their specialty so they end up with better patient satisfaction survey results. Makes total sense to me considering what I’ve experienced. Imagine if a cardiologist just assumed they knew how every heart attack patient felt without listening to them, that’s what the study suggested with female obgyns and what I’ve experienced.

    5. WellRed*

      If I had to see a male, I would, but always choose female. Slightly related, had a mammogram recently and wondered, do they even allow male mammographers? There’s something especially undignified having another human being arrange your boobs on a platter. Not sure I could have handled a male tech.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        Don’t know about mammographers, but when I had a breast ultrasound the technician was a male. And I felt extra uncomfortable.

        1. blackcat*

          I had to have a transvaginal ultrasound with a male tech.
          He let me insert it myself, but moved it around like he was trying stir something really stiff and chunky. I bled for days afterwards :(

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Frankly I think you always get to chose the gender of whom you feel comfortable letting stick things up your nether bits.

    7. ainomiaka*

      I think that while there is probably some “for the greater good” argument to be made for the gender of your dr shouldn’t matter, if it makes enough of a difference to you that you prioritize that you should do what you need to do to make sure you get in and get what you need.

    8. Booksalot*

      I will never see a male GYN. I don’t care about political correctness when I’m dealing with my bodily autonomy and health. I’ll get back to woke after I climb out of the stirrups.

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      The male doctors are used to this problem. I’ve had better experiences with male than female doctors overall and I’ve worked with great male OBGYNs in training (gentle, kind, “soft” hands), so I just ask who’s GOOD when I’m looking for a doctor in any specialty for my own care. But you have to do what works for you. The doctor you’ll go to is the right one and I often see my partners’ female patients for their physicals in the year they’re due for Pap smears.

    10. Policy wonk*

      I prefer female doctors, and have had a female ob/gyn since I left home many years ago. When I am scheduling in advance I ask for a woman. But I don’t demand a female and will see a male when that’s who is available first, or clearly when there is an emergency. It works both ways – my kids had a female pediatrician, but I switched my sons to a male when the started adolescence and were uncomfortable having a female examining their privates.

    11. KayEss*

      Women OB/Gyn practitioners still face rampant sexism, pay discrepancies, and a teaching hierarchy that is disproportionately stacked with male practitioners at the top, so I’m not gonna weep any tears for the poor male gynos. Get whoever you’re most comfortable with to assess the medical condition of your junk.

      The healthcare system is hostile enough, you’re allowed to prioritize yourself as a patient.

    12. HannahS*

      Medical student here! We were explicitly told that patient consent is prime, and that due to either cultural reasons or past experiences, many women aren’t comfortable with male students being involved in their care, so respect it OR ELSE. Sometimes my male peers would express disappointment (privately, to other students) that they didn’t get to do as much as they wanted in terms of delivering babies, but it has always been in a tone of, “Oh, well, it is what it is.” In student private message boards, there are sometimes tips like, “Don’t go to X hospital to do obstetrics if you’re male, because most patients there are from Y background and don’t want male students involved, so you won’t get to learn much.” But no one’s angry or resentful, that I’ve encountered. Most of us understand that the world isn’t perfect and people (including us) have negative experiences or cultural taboos, and the best way to provide care is to respect that. Ideally, sure, no one would care, but that’s not the world we live in.

      When I’m a patient, I choose the doctor who I think I’m most likely to be comfortable with. Occasionally that’s based on gender, and sometimes on age. To me, it’s not different from someone choosing a doctor from their own minority ethnic background, because that person has a cultural fluency that others may lack.

    13. Valancy Snaith*

      As a general rule I have usually preferred female physicians for GYN stuff, but I’ve gone through IVF and therefore had an absolute barrage of strangers all up in my bits and lost my pickiness. By and large, I don’t think there’s any rule as far as who’s better–I’ve had amazingly good technicians and doctors both male and female alike, and short/sharp/less enjoyable ones as well.

      I will say that I’ve had a couple NPs practice on me, and both were exceptionally, exceptionally good. Very careful about telling me they were about to touch me, what I would be feeling, whether I was in any discomfort, etc. Much much better than a couple of the fully-fledged doctors I’d seen who’d been doing these for yonks and yonks.

    14. Ktelzbeth*

      I’ve had IUDs placed twice and the better experience by far was with my male PCP rather than the female ob/gyn. I’m not sure that it was much less painful with him, but he seemed to care more. It started with his choice of instruments. He had a tenaculum (pointy ended forceps) on the tray, but said that he tried not to use it if at all possible because women had told him they hurt and he often had good success without using it. The ob/gyn just used one from the start. He expressed concern about my discomfort during the procedure, while she said sometime along the lines of, “You’re the last patient here and the cleaning staff are used to hearing my patients scream.”

    15. Lilysparrow*

      Good heavens, no. You’re not being discriminatory.

      You are choosing who you’re going to allow to see you naked and put their hand up your vagina. Nobody else gets a say in that choice, and you don’t owe anybody anything.

      Male gynos don’t have a “right” to your body. Female gynos don’t either. You go with whoever makes you least uncomfortable, for whatever reasons work for you.

      There is no philosophical principle at stake, and anyone who’s told you differently is an asshole. If your own brain is being an asshole to you about this, tell it to shut the hell up.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        FWIW, I prefer a woman for my regular appointments, because she knows what it feels like.

        When I had my first baby, there was a male OB doing rounds overnight who had to check my dilation. God help me, he had hands the size of a dinner plate. It hurt worse than the contractions. That man was in the wrong line of work. He should’ve been a large-animal vet.

        That experience reinforced my preference, for sure.

      2. Originally asked the question*

        Thanks. It was more in my head. I recently read an old money diary on refinery29 where a young woman wrote around going to the doctor for something (eczema on her arm maybe? Something that doesn’t require any nudity) and she said she didn’t want residents / students in the exam room with her. She got roasted in the comments about social responsibility to people needing to learn, how will future doctors be any good without access to real patients, etc. And while something on the arm/ hand is very different from someone up in your cervix, the principal is kinda the same. Would all of those people saying negative things to this young woman feel the same way? What do we as individuals owe the greater good? Anyway thank you to everyone who has commented. I don’t know what I’ll do for my next Pap smear or when mammogram time rolls around but the important thing is getting checked out.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, that just sounds like an old-fashioned internet pile-on. Unless she ways saying nobody should let a student in the room, people were taking her personal preference as being a lot more significant than it was. I promise you and refinery29 that the med students that day will get another chance to see eczema on somebody very soon and were not tragically deprived by her desire not to see extra people.

          There are plenty of people who don’t mind students being in the room. I’m one of them. It’s not an obligation every single patient has to carry, and it’s not even one that a patient has to carry the same at every single appointment. I’ve let students do an exam sometimes and sometimes said no, not today.

          I don’t really care about the gender of my doctor anymore, but I also don’t think male gynecologists are poor struggling creatures who will starve if all women patients don’t sacrifice their own comfort for them. They’ll be fine.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            This. Most of the time I don’t mind, but there have been a couple of situations where I have asked that the student not be there. It’s fine, that’s why they ask for your consent.

          2. Maj*

            I don’t normally mind students in the room but a trainee specialist totally screwed up an annual outpatient check for me and wrote a letter back to my GP that was riddled with errors. I wrote to my usual consultant and asked him to send a corrected version but what if I hadn’t felt able to?

            1. Ethyl*

              Oh no! I let a student do a pelvic exam and as soon as she got the speculum in, the doctor overseeing her said something like “now don’t forget, you have to push down on the little thing to get it out, don’t get this one stuck!” and I was like “HOLD UP WHAT NOW???” lolscream.

              1. blackcat*

                I let a student remove a partly expelled IUD.
                Student to NP: “Wait, I can do this?”
                NP: “Yes, grab the strings and pull.”
                Student: “That’s it? Just pull?”
                NP: “Yes, firmly but stop if there’s much resistance.”
                Student: “Cool! I didn’t think I was allowed to DO things!”
                Me: “Well, someone hurry up and do it or hand that thing to me and let me do it myself!!!”

        2. Not So NewReader*

          It’s not up to one person to educate all the aspiring doctors in their area/country/world.

          I had a family member who was a nurse. The doc wanted to run some tests. So family member said, “What is the point of these tests?”
          Doc said, “Well, we are collecting stats for research.”
          Family member said, “I am not going to let you run experiments on MY body.” This was from a nurse.

          When my mother died, they asked my father if they could autopsy her to help others. My father asked me what I thought. I saw the trauma and the sadness in his eyes and I realized enough is enough. I said, “Tell them NO, Dad.” Then I saw pure relief.

          It’s not up to one person to teach or save everyone.

          1. TL -*

            Uh, you’re not allowed to do research, especially medical research, on a person without their signed consent and explicit debriefing to make sure they know what they’re agreeing to, regardless of what type of research or procedure. Either something was vastly miscommunicated in that conversation or that doctor was about to loose their medical license for good.

        3. anonagain*

          I think one of the most important things for med students to learn is the importance of patient consent.

        4. blackcat*

          I am generally pro-students. I have a couple of medical oddities that mean I’m particularly useful for med student/resident education. I have zero problem with it most of the time, particularly if they are just observing.
          But I did kick one student out during a painful procedure (one of my quirks is that I am difficult to anesthetize). The student was apparently upset by my pain and started audibly crying. In one of my not-great moments, I yelled, “Whichever one of you is crying needs to GET OUT RIGHT NOW AND NOT COME BACK.”
          I don’t owe anyone an education.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve had really good male and female doctors for intimate exams (one of the best was a man, who told me exactly what he was doing before he did it and was very gentle) and I’m quite happy with my current doctor, who is also a man. I’ve also seen both male and female doctors who treated me like crap or who were just generally unpleasant. Regardless of what they were doing, I wouldn’t go back to someone like that.

      I don’t think you’re wrong in any way for preferring a woman. The important thing is that you’re comfortable with whoever is treating you.

    17. WS*

      Noooooo, you should have whoever you are comfortable with. Personally, I’ve had bad experiences with both male and female doctors, and select for the individual instead. My current gynaecologist is male and he’s fantastic – I have to drive 2 hours to see him, but the two closer I’ve had bad experiences with. I don’t feel that I’m shunning local business, I feel like I’m coping with a difficult experience as best I can.

    18. Beatrice*

      It’s okay to ask for whatever you need to make you comfortable, period.

      I preferred women doctors when I was younger, but when I was pregnant with my son, there was a flurry of turnover in local OB/GYNs in the local big clinic, and I saw 3 different lady doctors on 3 consecutive appointments, each of whom announced her impending departure from the clinic during the checkup. I packed up and moved to a local male doctor who’d been practicing for 20+ years and had his own private practice. I’d heard plenty of good things about him from friends and at that point I needed a doctor who would stick around through the rest of my pregnancy. He was gentle, always made time to talk to me, and made sure I was comfortable. When he retired recently, I switched back to the local big clinic. The gender of my doctor matters less to me now and I am seeing another male doctor there, and I’m happy with him as a care provider.

    19. Nacho*

      When somebody’s handling your private parts, you have the right to request they be of a specific gender.

    20. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I highly doubt anyone would consider this discrimination, so don’t get too down on yourself! Male doctors probably have many privileges more, even as obgyns.

      I actually see and prefer a male doctor. I had a female obgyn who caused me significant pain during the exam, and proceeded to basically tell me to suck it up, while I was crying on the exam table.

      Another female obgyn refused to consider the possibility that I had Endo or pcos, and told me “periods are painful”.

      My current male doctor diagnosed me with Endo, helped me find relief, etc. He’s gentle, kind, and very respectful.

      This isn’t to say all female obgyns are bad! My first obgyn when I moved to new state was a woman, and she was fantastic. I only left her because she moved.

    21. jDC*

      I’ll actually only see men until this current doctor. I always found women to be very rough with me. Like I have one so I know. I’m the last person to have any fear or pain or stress during a pap but every woman has hurt me until this one. Obviously a fluke for me but turned me off of them for a long time. I used to work for an OB though and it’s totally common to request a woman. I’d just book with a woman even if they didn’t ask if the patient was really young.

    22. Minocho*

      I was sexually assaulted by a male doctor. I feel no compunction about going female doctor only.

  55. Donut Bun*

    Winner vs loser mentality.

    Going to the gym. Doing something good for myself right? Class is in 5 minutes. I forget the combination to my lock. Front desk doesn’t have a spare lock and key stating that they give it out but no one returns them. I kept trying to ask them something but they were talking to everyone else and not helpful to me.

    A winner wouldn’t let that stop them. They’d carry their stuff around (despite rules saying no large bags on the floor), go back to the parking lot and put their bag back in there (and if they need something, keep stopping in the middle of the workout and go back to parking lot), or leave it in the locker with no lock (keeping the risk in mind). A winner would be determined and do what they need to do.

    The voice in my head, which sounds oddly like an ex-something says “you’re a f-ing idiot, Donut. How could you be so damn stupid? you f-ing dumbass.” A loser like me just gave up, cried a little called themselves an idiot a hundred times and then just left. Bought a new lock, and will never speak of this to anyone. Except here.

    Tomorow’s a new day.

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      Secret: everyone has that voice.
      Sometimes everyone lets themselves hear that voice and then feels like a loser for listening later.
      You’ve had a bad day. Don’t beat yourself up <3

      1. Donut Bun*

        I know my forgetfulness isnt’ anyone else’s responsibility but I was getting frustrated that the front desk person wouldn’t ecen give me half a second of attention. I didn’t want to make a scene so I left. Everyone there was slim/toned/muscular/basically great physical condition. I’m normally not so insecure in a gym but that inner voice was loud today.

        1. Sam Sepiol*

          This is pretty soon after the parking incident? I feel that that’s connected. You were already flustered and upset. It reduced your ability to shrug this off. You’re being very hard on yourself (I’m the same; it’s much easier to spot in others). Tomorrow is very likely to be much better.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Nice catch on that Sam. I agree.
            I would have gone directly home after just one of those stories and called it a day.

            OP, you had your USRDA of BS. Time to call it a day. Cuddle up with a good book, watch a good movie, whatever. Then get some shut eye. Tomorrow is a clean slate.

            1. Donut Bun*

              The gym incident happened, then the keys incident relayed below, then the parking lot incident. Yeah add this to other stuff, it’s been a shitbag of a day.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Brain weasels are evil. .. they’re why I’m not at the pool now…

    3. EinJungerLudendorff*

      Nope. There is no such thing as “winners” and “losers”.
      Just people who try to do their best. And sometimes that isn’t enough. And that’s okay.

      Real people don’t have an infinite supply of energy, motivation and confidence. Real people can’t enthusiastically throw themselves into everything they do. Real people can’t just shrug off their problems and obstacles like it ain’t no thing.
      Holding yourself to that impossible standard is far more harmful than any number of minor failures that we beat ourselves up over. Believe me, I spent years trying to reach the great heights of “what I should be able to do”. All it achieved was a decade of pointless suffering and another decade of therapy.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          Sorry you had such a hard time. Sometimes the universe sends us a little cascade of NOPEs. You noticed and left. That’s the perfect way to handle it.
          You’re absolutely allowed to change course when you’re just not feelin’ it. I’ve modified my gym time when something didn’t feel right – physically or emotionally or environmentally. Unless you’re training for the Olympics or Seal Team 6, it’s best to listen to yourself and take corrective action as you did.
          I think you did just fine – except for the brain weasel. Trap it and send it back to the wild.
          Best Regards

        2. Curlz*

          What exactly is a winner or loser, though? Someone who wins or loses constantly? Someone whose habits/beliefs/talents guarantee success or failure? Someone who regardless of their circumstances will somehow either win or lose by virtue of something in their nature?

          I agree with EinJungerLudendorff – “winners” and “losers” don’t exist except as temporary states that we freely pass through as we live our lives. They aren’t permanent states or attributes of our selves. It sounds like you’ve been taught that which category you fit into will determine the course of your life, so it stresses you out to feel like you’re in the wrong one – especially if you believe “loser” is the default and “winners” turn back into losers as soon as they stop exhibiting the traits of a “winner”.

          In a way, this reminds me of imposter syndrome. The fear that maybe you’ve been a loser this whole time and your attempts at winning were just a pathetic imitation of real winners. Maybe you’re going to fail no matter what, and you’re just fooling yourself by trying. The truth is that you don’t know what the winners you admire have been through. You see their success from the outside. Those tanned and muscular gym guys might be battling some severe depression. They might be benching crazy weights but struggling to potty train their child. Those struggles and failures don’t make them losers, and nor do yours. If winners exist, then they must be flawed. Ergo, having flaws doesn’t remove you from the category of “winner”.

          You’re doing fine. Going to the gym with full intent to work out is itself an accomplishment. Don’t dismiss all the challenges you’ve overcome just because you opted out of one. You’re not weak, you’re not destined to fail, you’re not a wimp, and you’re not a loser.

          1. Donut bun*

            To answer your first Q — someone who has a goal (exercise) and lets something get in the way of it (for instance, having an easy place to store my crap). Maybe I’ve been seeing too many Instagram pics that say what a winner mentality vs loser mentality is.

            Election Day 2016 it took me a long time to vote so I was 1.5 hour late to the gym. I ended up doing a quick 30 minutes and went to work.

            Before I started working FT, I spent a year working out and dropped loads of weight. When I was desperate for a job, I did a mind trick to myself and considered this as my part time job and it worked.

            So when I say loser… I’m just competing against myself.

            1. Parenthetically*

              “Maybe I’ve been seeing too many Instagram pics that say what a winner mentality vs loser mentality is.”

              Oh man, honestly unfollow that shit. Anyone who routinely categorizes all humans into two categories, one good and one bad, is 100% definitely trying to sell you something by making you feel insecure. They don’t have your best interests at heart. Plus it’s pseudoreligious, unscientific bullshit. “These people are better than these people because of their ‘mindset’ (which you can learn about by buying my e-course/signing up for my emails/subscribing to my newsletter/booking a $300/hr consultation with me, your new life coach)” is just not the way the world works.

        3. Parenthetically*

          Challenge that name-calling! Would you call me, an internet stranger, a loser for getting overwhelmed in a stressful situation? What about someone you knew and cared about? You don’t have to believe everything you think.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      The whole winner/loser dichotomy is just unhelpful. Change “winner” to “me on a good day” and “loser” to “me on a bad day”. You just had a bad day and you were really hard on yourself. Try again tomorrow. Tomorrow talk to yourself the way you would to a friend who’s having the same troubles. Kindness and gentleness and stay for class and throw your stuff right down on the gym floor or go home and have some tea and watch a movie, whatever you’ve got in you.

    5. Donut Bun*

      So right after the gym, I went to the grocery store and in the parking lot, I literally lost my keys. I emptied out my bag, even went thorugh the garbage bag i have in my car for receipts and tissues and stuff. Went crazy looking for my keys. Finally found them in the little holder WHERE THEY ALWAYS ARE!!!!!!!. They were just hidden under a tissue, which again is normal.

      I’ll be laughing at this later on (hopefully) but I don’t know why I couldnt’ find something that was where it always is :(

      1. Koala dreams*

        Keys are always hiding from me too. I got a key holder tiger to watch them for me now, let’s see how that goes.

      2. NewReadingGlasses*

        I once spent 20 minutes searching my car interior for my keys, which were in my hand, due to my having used them to open the car. Ha ha! That whole day was just disfunctional.

      3. Sam Sepiol*

        A few months ago I stormed round my flat really pissed off that I couldn’t find a t shirt I was looking for.

        I WAS WEARING IT.

        1. Donut bun*

          LOL! I’ve had that with my glasses. They were on my head

          12 years ago, I couldn’t get my contact in my eye. And when I finally did it was blurry. I started crying and hyperventilating thinking I was going blind and about to lose an eye. I had just put the contact over another contact. Lol.

          1. NewReadingGlasses*

            I’ve done that too. Also put my (distance) glasses on over my contacts (why can’t I see? Oh.), put on reading glasses while having another pair on top of my head, and nearly poke myself in the eye trying to push up glasses that I’m not wearing.

      4. Thankful for AAM*

        I like to think about lost keys as magically aheinking and appearing; they say that in Harry Potter.

    6. Parenthetically*

      I reject that dichotomy! There are no such things as winners or losers, just people. People who make choices that seem best to them at the time, and learn and grow (or don’t) from the results.

      Also, my favorite quote lately is from the wonderful Steph Gaudreau: “Sh*t-talking yourself isn’t motivation.”

      Sending you kindness and lightness.

    7. LGC*

      Just adding to the chorus that you’re not a loser (or not any more of a loser than the rest of us)!

      Hell, even at the end of your post, you say:

      Tomorrow’s a new day.

      I assume that even after this (mildly embarrassing) scenario, you’re still going back to that gym. To use your own language, a winner, even after suffering a setback, would go back and conquer their demons.

      You can call yourself whatever you want, of course. But even if you didn’t handle it the way you wanted to in the moment, there’s even more to be said for trying to bounce back.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      You found a way to talk about what was bothering you and get encouragement. You got out of all those situations still breathing. You woke up today.

      That’s winning. The rest is just how much you enjoy the prize.

    9. The Doctor is In*

      Kudos to you for even attempting to go to the gym! You are way ahead of the 60% of people who never exercise. You are a winner to me. I sympathize; I often go to the gym at lunchtime from work and then can’t do it because I forgot shoes, socks, shirt, leggings, you name it!

  56. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    It’s sweltering and hubs and I are house-sitting. We went to a library instead of the park and now are at the house. What are fun indoors (G-rated) ways to have fun? Reading, Netflix on the laptop, has been done and a neighborhood walk is out of the question due to possible thunderstorm plus 92+ F weather….

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Jigsaw puzzles are a favorite of ours, but less so when the fan is running.
      Does the homeowner have any board games or cards you could use?

    2. NB*

      GAMES! If you can find a deck of cards, you can look online for instructions for games you’ve never played before.

    3. Curlz*

      I’m an artist, so my first thought is some kind of art activity or craft. If you’re just fooling around and not trying to make a masterpiece, you can get away with really cheap supplies. Painting, drawing, coloring books, zendoodles, sculpting, melt and pour soap making, textile crafts (needlepoint, cross stitching, needle felting, crochet, etc.), scrapbooking, paper quilts, origami, foam carving, scratchboards, model building, calligraphy, sand painting (or whatever the name is for making designs by pouring colored sand into bottles), making sensory bottles, making slime, paper airplanes, paper boats, bookmaking, etc. Obviously, some of these are messier than others, so depending on the house and your personal clumsiness level, they might not work. I would recommend looking up tutorials online or using kits if you’re starting something for the first time, that way you can skip some of the learning curve and end up with a decent finished artwork/project.

    4. Ethyl*

      Board games are good, but for something a little different, spouse and I really like the Unlock brand escape room games! Although the one we started yesterday we seem to be stuck on, grr.

    5. NewReadingGlasses*

      Construct an elaborate frozen dessert? I like the craft suggestions by Curlz, if any of that is practical.

  57. Smol Book Wizard*

    Fellow Critters: perhaps this was already covered last week, but I caught up on episode 69 and may I say from the bottom of my heart, Ow.

    1. Minocho*

      A week off, while well deserved for our heroes, was not welcome after that episode.

  58. Square Root of Minus One*

    Hello lovely people,
    Update about the money-borrowing boyfriend from three weeks ago: I got my money back last Monday. All of it.
    There would be more to say about that, but I’m in the middle of a two-day tournament, super tired and about to catch fire from the heat. Long story short: we had a very good in-person chat this evening about money, feelings and other trivial things. Helped me feel better a little bit.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, that is really cool news. I’m pleasantly surprised! Sounds like maybe he’s ready to do some work–good for him.

  59. Family drama vent*

    Warning, family drama vent below.

    My brother cheated on his wife. The other woman is pregnant. She’s married too and they did a test to see who the father is. It’s my brother. Her husband found out about the baby not being his and when he figured out who my brother was he told my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law has moved out of their apartment. She did pay the rent for July and August but their lease was up after that and she already told my brother and the property management company she is not renewing. She moved out. The woman my brother cheated with is being evicted because apparently her husband owned the house before marriage so it’s not a marital asset. He’s filed for divorce same as my sister-in-law. She’s moved into the apartment with my brother but as of August 30 they need to be out. Neither of them have kids with their spouses. In the state they live in, proof of cheating automatically means no spousal support under the law. A judge cannot overrule that. My brother is between jobs and has a flaky history. The woman he cheated with also is unemployed and apparently has never worked. They only family she has is her parents who live in a senior home in Florida. My parents, my grandma and my uncle live in the same state but grandma is in a nursing home and my parents and uncle live in small, over 50 apartments. I live in a different state altogether. I have already been asked to move home to support them or to pay for a place for them to live and their bills. My mother called on Thursday to tell me everything and both her and my brother have already asked me for money and support. And they don’t understand why I moved across the country the second I was old enough and why I only call or email once a month or so. I already said I won’t be sending a cent but I suspect I haven’t heard the last of this. Thanks if you read. Just needed to get it all out.

    1. valentine*

      They want you to support three people, two of whom are adults who didn’t bother to learn local law or to plan past right now. I like the way the people in over-50 housing cleverly protected themselves that way and are asking you to be the new engine for your brother’s train wreck. Astounding. But.

      You have, indeed, heard the last of this, if that’s what you want. You can go no-contact, filter keywords, and/or declare a moratorium on bro-related troubles talk.

      1. Anono-me*

        But…… . . . many 50+ complexes only require the owner or lease holder to be 50 or older. (HUD Sr housings is different.)

        I would probably call their communities, pretend to be a prospective tenant and ask who else can live with the 50+ renter. If your parents can have their children under 50 live with them; next time your mother calls to ask for money for your brother, tell your mother the good news that your brother and his pregnant girlfriend can move in with her.

        Seriously, before you talk to any of these people again; please consider what non financial helpful things* you could do for your brother and ask yourself if you will feel better or worse for doing those things. Not to put pressure on you to do anything, but to encourage you to be prepared in your own mind and know exactly where your boundaries lie. For me, it helps to write them out on a piece of paper and have it in front of me when I have a difficult phone conversation.

        *Recomend resources, review his resume, help with mock phone interviews, etc.

    3. Kathenus*

      I applaud the original decision you made to move, as it was obviously right for you and your life. And not that you need it, but you have the complete and unwavering support (and admiration) of this internet stranger for holding your ground. Actions have consequences. As long as people keep being shielded from them, they have no reason to change. Your brother made his own choices, and now he can start his new life that he’s created. I wish you peace in the midst of all of this.

    4. Ethyl*

      “I have already been asked to move home to support them or to pay for a place for them to live and their bills.”

      Ahahahahahhaahaha WHAT.

      I’m sorry I know that’s not helpful but ye gods, this mess is entirely of their own creating, it manifestly does not involve you OR frankly your parents, and you’ve already got them on limited contact! How oblivious can you get?

      Stand firm, schedule some of whatever it is that makes you feel good, and maybe eat a Good Tasting Füd.

    5. Jaid*

      Yeaaahhhh, move back home for what? What job, where are YOU going to live, and they expecting baby sitting services or something?

      You have my sympathies.

    6. Policy wonk*

      Sending strength and positive vibes to help you deal with this. Families. Sigh.

    7. Rebecca*

      Nope. Time to block phone calls and messages, make sure everything is locked down on social media, email, etc. I love to say this: file under, Not My Problem.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      Ahahhaaa… nope. He shoulda stayed faithful, wrapped his tool, or found a richer woman to cheat with.

      As the song goes, that’s what you get folks, for makin’ whoopie.

    9. Family Drama*

      I wish I didn’t have to say this but…your situation is not unique. Been there, done that. I live thousands of miles away. There are consequences to this actions and none of them are of your making. It took me awhile to detach with love. Meaning, I was not put on the earth to fix my siblings’ life choices. And I don’t have to have and opinion about any of it.

    10. fposte*

      Oh, boy. Yup, stand strong.

      It may be more complicated emotionally for you when the kid comes. I think, however, there are many kids in the world who deserve better parents, and you don’t have to change your approach here just because there’s another one.

    11. Thankful for AAM*

      Another internet stranger here to say you have full permission to hold firm, not send money, and break all contact if you want (not that you need our permission).

      I have basically stopped talking to family. I run AAM business scripts in my head but really, I just got too tired to maintain contact.

    12. Alex*

      Time for your brother to shape up real quick! This is 100% the result of his poor choices, so….his responsibility. No one did this to him.

    13. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Stand firm. Family does not mean they are right or you owe them anything. I’ll bet (speaking from my experience) you were probably raised to be guilt-ed, coerced, and bullied into sharing (you ate your share slowly, they gobbled, then got half of yours?).

      Do NOT do it. block the numbers. He will not learn and grow up one minute sooner than he has to, and NONE of them WILL appreciate (or say thank you) as you ruin your life, career, health, or future financial stability, to pay their bills. They will just expect more and more.

      Run, run, run. Check out captain awkward, and look up how to get rid of toxic people in your life….
      You have a great start by having moved away.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Stay strong. This is nothing but a black hole that will swallow up your entire paycheck and any assets you have.
      Practice saying, “I wish you well with that. I must hang up now.”
      Don’t even bother pointing out anything that is wrong in this story line. It’s a waste of energy.

    15. Dan*

      Niiicceeeee… sounds a lot like my ex and her family. Unfortunately, my ex-brother in law made a decent chunk of money so he was constantly bailing people out. I told my ex not to expect that from me. Turns out she wanted the free ride too (in more ways than one I guess you could say), and I told her nope. So that was that. I don’t miss that train wreck. I also have no idea how my ex ended up. As an attention ploy after we split, she did try to OD on some prescription meds and ended up in the psych ward for a week. That stunt didn’t have its intended effect on me.

      All that’s to say, say strong, do not give them one red cent. Some people will not learn responsibility until they have to. Anything you do in the mean time just delays that learning experience and will be a waste of your money.

    16. fhqwhgads*

      You could consider reducing those calls/emails to even less than once a month if they continue pushing to embroil you in this.

    17. Not Alison*

      Sending you positive energy and support. My only comment is the response “I don’t have any money to help them out”. Which has the added benefit of being totally true – because you need the money you earned through your hard work to support yourself both now and in the future.
      Anyone who is old enough to have sex and procreate a child is old enough to get a job and support that child.

    18. Utoh!*

      “I won’t be sending a cent.” Lather, rinse, repeat. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

    19. Square Root of Minus One*

      I read and I’m just… speechless.
      You’re gonna be saying “no” a LOT.
      Be careful not to be manipulated with “this poor baby”. However much you feel for him/her (in the distance, I do, TBH. Talk about a start in life…), still not your circus.

    20. Jane of all Trades*

      That is so crazy! You didn’t cheat, or cause anybody to lose their house, job or spouse, why should this cause you to move back.
      You made the right decision to move away, and to say that you will not be paying for them. That sounds entirely absurd – is their plan that you would move back and work to support both and their child?
      “I’m sorry, I can’t help. I wish you the best” and done. If you feel that it’s easier to hold the line if you reduce or cut off contact, do that. Good luck!

  60. HamlindigoBlue*

    Goodreads and Reddit (/r/books and /r/suggestmeabook) are usually where I find good recs.

  61. MOAS*

    Suggestions for workout leggings that don’t fall down?

    I have had a good experience with Victoria’s secret knockout high rise leggings. They are thick (so not see through) and never fall down. But they are $80ish regular price.

    Any other brands that won’t roll down?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      I’ve had great success with Lululemon (although their quality has begun to go downhill in the last couple of years), but most of all Popflex. Their selection isn’t huge, but they’re absolutely the best activewear I’ve worn. They don’t slide down, they don’t roll, and they’re tough as nails. I recently took a spill on a run and scraped my knee up, but my leggings are pretty much as good as new after I washed the blood out. They run small, though.

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      I’ve had good luck with Fila. They retail for about $40, but I usually get mine at Kohls where I can always find a 20-30% coupon.

    4. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      I like Old Navy compression leggings, both the capri and full length. They’re $20-$30 each, and I’ve had people stop me and ask if they’re Lululemons, so they look high-quality too.

    5. Alex*

      I love the Old Navy “thick” leggings–they are not sold in the athletic section, but they work great for athletics. Wide, strong elastic band, thick material, very good. They are usually near the pants (not the packaged leggings).

      They come and go at the stores though (maybe they are seasonal?). But if you can find them buy all of them! Sometimes they go on sale for $15 but I think they are $25 normally.

    6. Release the Kraken*

      I suspect this is partially dependent on body type since I’ve tried leggings that others swear never fall down that fall down on me and vice versa so it’s probably best for you to just try things on to see what works. I’ve had good luck with several of Athleta’s styles and they are having an extra 20% off sale items through the 7th so now’s a great time to try them out. Free return shipping and a generous return policy too (just watch out for items marked “final sale”) so there’s no risk in trying something new! I’ve been happy with the Salutation capri in Powervita fabric in terms of staying up. And that fabric is buttery soft!

      1. MOAS*

        Definitely think this is body dependent. I have a very thick middle and no hips or butt to keep anything up. The VS compression ones were amazing. Aside from VS I have a few from target where I run in to this issue.

        I got lucky and found a lot of their tights on sale so ordered a few more last night. Same for athleta brand

  62. Trixie*

    I rediscovered the black hole of Erin Condren planners.

    I will say the stickers, colors, artsy/crafty side of them making paying off debt look so much more engaging on Youtube. I kept a very basic paper planner but ended up using auto pay or online calendars instead. These videos almost make me want to try a planner again, maybe for savings/retirement planning. I do need a better handle on my spending for more active saving towards Roth IRA.
    Other financial adulting:
    – Check my auto loan re: paying off car loan early but I suspect the interest amount doesn’t change on my loan.
    – Look again at rolling over 401(k) to IRA.

    1. Curlz*

      Can’t help with the financial advice, but I did give bullet journaling a try this spring semester. It did help, but I found myself procrastinating making the spreads. I couldn’t decide on the colors, it was a hassle to measure out the spaces between lines, and the pressure to make it look good (even though no one else was seeing it) actually impaired my use of it. Color and beauty are very important to me, and when I had made a spread I loved I did enjoy using the journal more, so I didn’t want to switch to a minimalist design, but the hassle of making everything was a big hurdle. Before you buy anything, consider how much time and effort you’re actually willing to expend on a regular basis to make your planner inspiring. Also, beware of drying times for decorations – ink can smear, glued items can shift, and having to wait 1-2 hours before you can write anything useful in your planner might mean you never getting back to it in a timely manner.

    2. TL -*

      I love my Erin Condren. :) I don’t normally use stickers or decorations but I’m thinking about picking up some pretty but very functional stickers from an Etsy shop I really loved while I get grad school debt paid. I think putting them in the monthly view will help me keep my finances on track.

      1. Trixie*

        I may try this too. Starting with some Etsy stickers and a simple monthly planner for month view on my savings. What Etsy shop would you recommend for pretty but functional stickers? I’m starting with reviews on Youtube for now.

        1. TL -*

          I really love Shay Budgets stickers and KrissyAnne Designs is the go-to for functional but pretty. (I don’t know if I have her name written correctly but it should be easy to find.)

  63. KayEss*

    So we’re rolling into day 4 of our air conditioning being out. It was on-and-off starting Monday and failed entirely by Thursday. Indoor temperature is holding around 80, which some (like my husband, who still somehow sits around in long pants and sleeves with a blanket on his lap) would say “isn’t bad” but I’m a person who starts being uncomfortable at 70, so this is… rough. Also my computer keeps overheating itself and shutting down.

    Our landlord is fortunately ready to replace the whole unit, since when it failed a couple months ago the repair guy got it working again but said it was on its last legs, but the people whose number she gave us a) want to come inspect the unit themselves, first, and b) aren’t taking our calls, because holidays or whatever. So we’re probably looking at another 3-5 days of this, which honestly just makes me want to die.

    I also just went into the fridge for a glass of water and found ice had formed on the top of the pitcher??? The fridge is set to normal cooling, so I don’t know if it’s having to work overtime because the indoors is so hot or what… but now I’m worried that it’s going to get overworked and break, too.

    1. Anono-me*

      Can you ask you landlord for the loan of a window or portable ac in lieu of a rent reduction?

      1. KayEss*

        Man, I wish I’d thought of that like four days ago. Now I’m not sure it’s worth it… our landlord probably doesn’t have one lying around (private owner of the single condo unit we rent, which I think is her only rental property), so we’d have to go through a whole dance of getting one.

        We did somehow coax the poor thing back into a sometimes-working state this evening… maybe because it cooled off outside a bit. If we can get it to keep running intermittently I can hold out a few more days.

    2. Jaid*

      When my central went out, the maintenance guy brought around a portable A/C unit that had a tube go out through the window, was the size of two large suitcases back to back and was on casters so it could be maneuvered. Thing worked like a charm for my one bedroom apartment.

      Depending on how big your home is, one unit should be fine. My apartment complex has hundreds of apartments, so they tend to keep a bunch of those things around.

      1. KayEss*

        Wow, I’ve never heard of something like that! It’s probably not an option for us since we rent a condo from its private owner and the building has no central maintenance service (it’s only something like 16 units), unless outside repair services are able to provide them as a stopgap. I might do some research and ask if it looks like there will be a while between inspection and replacement.

      2. Clisby*

        Yes, I know someone here who’s a landlord (not a big one, but several properties) who keeps a couple of spare units for cases like this. (This is Charleston, SC, where a failure of AC right now would mean your house was more like 90-95 degrees, so maybe it’s more a thing here. 80 degrees is my normal summer AC setting.)

    3. Clarissa*

      Keep a spray bottle of water handy and squirt it in yourself. Keep a fan on yourself. Keep your hair wet. Drink ice water. Good luck!

      1. KayEss*

        My big floor fan and I are pretty much attached at the hip at this point. I just cart it from spot to spot throughout the day: bedroom, desk, couch, kitchen. Haven’t hauled it into the bathroom with me… yet.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Please stop using your computer. Or you will need a new computer as well (and lose all the files you have on your computer). Can you go to the library and use the computers there in air conditioned comfort?

      1. KayEss*

        I’m not worried about the computer because it has exhibited this behavior before—the video card shuts down when it runs hot for too long (usually video game related) and takes the rest with it, I guess? Anyway, I’m used to it happening very occasionally. Most times it means I need to clean out the fan intake filters because they’re blocked with dust (it’s a desktop tower so I can pop it open easily). I cleaned them today and set up a small fan angled to hopefully help circulate its hot air exhaust away, and also deliberately staggered my usage with breaks to give it time to cool down after running for a while. I haven’t had any more unexpected shutdowns so far, but it was also several degrees cooler inside today than yesterday because the outside temperature dropped.

        Also all my stuff is backed up regularly to external storage, so even if the whole thing went up in smoke it would be an inconvenience rather than a catastrophe!

    5. Alex*

      I don’t have AC at all, and when it gets really hot I notice my fridge’s performance gets a bit wonky. Ice spots, warm spots, etc. And sometimes the whole thing just sweats.

      1. KayEss*

        That’s super comforting. I’ve never had it get this hot indoors before, so I don’t know what’s normal… if that’s just normal fridge stuff and not “you’re about to have a bunch of spoiling food on your hands” behavior, it’s a real relief.

        2. TL -*

          My parents kept our house at 80 the entirety of my childhood. Everything functioned fine; just make sure not to block ventilation of anything.

  64. Can’t Sit Still*

    I took on vacation in the mountains this past week. It was very relaxing until yesterday morning, when I woke up with a bat in the cabin. Unfortunately, that means mandatory rabies post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP). The county I was in had the vaccine, but not the rabies immune globulin. So I got the shot yesterday, and then went to the ER today for the rabies immune globulin, which is administered based on weight, 5 shots in all. I am fortunate that I have excellent insurance, so the out of pocket cost to me is the $100 ER copay and $1 for parking yesterday.

    I have a splitting headache and nausea from the vaccine. I get the second shot on Monday, the third on Friday and the fourth next Friday. I’m hoping they won’t all be like this afterwards.

    AMA about getting the rabies vaccine or rabies immune globulin.

    1. fposte*

      Hey, I did that, for the same reason. I actually tolerated it pretty well; sorry it’s making you sick. My titer’s probably down now but I enjoyed feeling invincible for a few years.

      1. Can’t Sit Still*

        I have multiple health issues, which probably makes the reaction more intense. It’s not that bad, though, it’s equivalent to having a cold. I’m just hoping it’s not two weeks of this. The pneumonia vaccine was much worse.

      1. Can’t Sit Still*

        The most frustrating part was how casual the place I rented from was about it: “Oh, yeah, that building has a lot of bats.” And that was their total response. It used to be my favorite vacation spot, since it wasn’t too long of a drive and is very quiet and peaceful with lots of private trails. Needless to say, I won’t be going back again.

        3. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

          See, I love bats and never worried about rabies because honestly the chances are practically nil. And they do have treatment for rabies in humans. I just let the bat outside like you did. I can see why the caretakers are blase because for a lot of us, it’s not a big deal. Bats are awesome little creatures and do a lot of good and rarely bite humans unless you mess with them.

          1. jolene*

            Yes… in Italy we just make sure the bat can get out of a window and no one ever contracts anything… who told you this was mandatory?

          2. lasslisa*

            They actually don’t have treatment for rabies in humans unless it’s pre-symptomatic. That treatment is what Can’t Sit Still is getting now. Once someone is actively showing rabies symptoms we’ve only ever had a few survivors (with extraordinary medical care).

    4. teach*

      I have such a severe rabies phobia, I’ve actually thought about getting the vaccine series for some peace of mind! I’m so glad you knew what to do if a bat was in your room AND that the series was available and covered.

    5. chi chan*

      Does the vaccine also stop you turning into a vampire? Sorry, though. Sounds stressful. I hope you can find a new vacation spot you can enjoy the mountains from.

    6. Ineffiecient Cat Herder*

      My husband had to go through that a few years ago due to a bat exposure. He found it less horrible than he imagined (grew up hearing horror stories of 30 shots with huge needles in the stomach, etc, etc). It is a pain, but the good news is it is a limited number of shots and then you are good and don’t need to worry.

      Hang in there!

    7. Gleer*

      I don’t get it, you weren’t bitten by the bat (thank goodness!) but needed a vaccine just from being in the same room with it? I’ve never heard of that. Sounds terrible, I’m so sorry!

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I was surprised by this as well, so I looked it up. Apparently bat bites are quite small, like the size of a puncture from an office stapler. You could be bitten in your sleep and the holes could close up in a couple of hours.

        So waking up with a bat in the room is considered high-risk, and the CDC recommends the shots in that case.

        2. fposte*

          If you can bring the bat to Public Health so they can examine it (they kill it and check its brain), you can skip the shots if the animal tests negative. And before I found that out I was *so* proud of myself for catching the bat and getting it out a window. Stupid bat.

          1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

            But you’re sentencing that animal to death for a very rare disease. Bats are very sweet animals and aren’t a threat. I’ve removed several over my lifetime from my room and really, not a big deal at all except for keeping the cats from catching the bat.

      2. Courageous cat*

        To add to that, rabies is nearly 100% fatal (with *some* exceptions) if contracted, and it’s a terrible way to go, so always always always err on the side of caution.

  65. Bibliovore*

    Looking for a vacation. A bit burnt out from work and illness. (full disclosure, I am bad at vacations. trying to remember the last one.) Mr. Bibliovore and I ran the numbers. We have time and money. What I do have is special issues. Chronic joint pain. Mobility issues. Now asthma. What I like best is to go somewhere with hot springs. Willing to fly. Would rather fly than spend hours in a car. I like to eat. No boats- sea sickness. I am a city person so like bookstores, libraries, museums, folk/traditional music (but usually can’t be in bars because of smoking) I don’t have high expectations. Passports up-to-date. Thinking August.

    Suggestions?

    1. Ethyl*

      My immediate thought is Iceland or a Nordic country, Sweden maybe? Other folks can chime in of course. Hope you get a good vacation though! We all need a break sometimes even if (especially when?) we feel we “can’t” take one. (Dealing with this right now with spouse — up for a huge deal promotion but he is Burnt Out…)

      1. fposte*

        Ooh, Iceland is full of geothermal springs and is really cool! It’s less city-focused than what you’re describing, but there are nice museums in Reykjavik and good day/half-day bus tours if you want to see the countryside but come back to town. I never actually made it to the Blue Lagoon, which is one of the most famous hot spring destinations in the world, and still had entertaining geothermal times.

        1. Thankful for AAM*

          We also never made it to the blue lagoon but went to the local swimming pool and found it pretty amazing!

          I recommend a travel agent to help plan a great trip!

          1. fposte*

            I had the *best* time at a community swimming pool too! I was surrounded by Icelanders just doing their pool hanging out. Delightful.

        2. Not Me*

          I highly recommend Iceland. The Blue Lagoon was way over hyped compared to other lagoons in the area, not worth the cost. The Secret Lagoon was amazing. Icelandair hotels are a great way to do a road trip along the west coast of the island heading south. The Fludir hotel is closest to the Secret Lagoon and not too far from the Keflavik airport (which is generally more economic than the Rejkjavic airport from the US, but they aren’t far from each other).

      2. TPS Cover Sheet*

        No way before the first frosts anywhere in the Nordics! Unless you want to be eaten alive. There is a reason why it is cheap – mosquitoes, gnats, moose ticks… you name it. Cities are fine, but generally the countries close for holidays. Then when the fall season starts, after the first frosts up north is breathtakingly beautiful, especially above the treeline. And the mosquito bastards are dead.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Yes, seconding Scandinavia or Iceland! Bonus for Iceland is that it’s often relatively cheap to get there — IcelandAir has direct flights from JFK to Reykjavik for just over $400 for a mid-August departure — so you could splash out on a nice boutique hotel or similar, maybe even with hot springs access?

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      May I suggest a cute little tourist trap city? The only one I can think of visiting was way steep, but a bit of googling suggests Calistoga CA which bills itself as “hot springs, mud baths, world class restaurants, and amazing Napa Valley wines”. 30 minutes from the local airport.

      Let me know if you want more help-I love planning vacations, but have neither time nor money to go on them much myself.

      1. Bibliovore*

        this sounds right up my alley. Where do you fly in to go to Calistoga? I can use all the help I can get.Recommendations welcome.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          California resident here. For Calistoga, the closest airport is Sonoma County Airport in Santa Rosa. The full name is Charles M. Schultz Sonoma County Airport, named for the local cartoonist who created the comic strip Peanuts. It’s 20 miles from Calistoga.

          You can check and see if you can fly there from wherever you are. That’s preferable to heading to the closest major airports in San Francisco or Oakland. Both are a couple hours away with no traffic, but almost certainly would take longer since Bay Area traffic can be heavy much of the time. And yes, everything will be expensive in this area.

          This time of year, Calistoga daytime temperatures will be in the 80s and 90s but unlike parts of the country east of here, it cools off every night. You’ll be in the Napa Valley so if you like wine-tasting, you’re in the right place.

        2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Cool! Shall I work my google-fu on Calistoga, or do you want some more location ideas?

          1. Bibliovore*

            yes, please. Google foo away. I am thinking Calistoga- 4 days – extra credit if there is some kind of massage as well as hot water. We do not drink but we love to eat. Heat doesn’t bother me but perhaps there should be air-conditioning for the husband. We love farmers markets and craft fairs.

            1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

              Lodging: There seem to be about 9 or 10 hotel and spa type places in Calastoga. All the ones I’ve looked at offer massage, mineral baths etc. Pick one off this list https://visitcalistoga.com/directory/directory-category/calistoga-mineral-pools/ that fits your vibe, cross check ratings on Yelp, and you’re set for a place to stay. The ones I checked still had availability in early August. (also Euro Spa isn’t on the list but had multiple people compliment their breakfast on yelp, and has quite reasonable rates.) *Caveat: I have no idea what accessibility stuff you need, so I haven’t tried to figure that out. Some of the places mentioned accessible rooms.

              Getting there: the Sonoma county airport gets Alaska, Delta, American and Sun Country, so you should get your flights from one of those.

              Local transportation: Looks like there is complementary shuttle service if you stay in lodging. Says it’s wheelchair accessible too. https://visitcalistoga.com/directory/the-calistoga-shuttle/ So you may be ok just to get an Uber from the airport instead of getting a rental car. Unless you want to go further out.

              Food: Personally I hate eating out all the time and like sandwiches or something fresh for at least lunch. There is a local grocery store in Calistoga, plus a Safeway near the airport does curbside pickup (possibly delivery too, but Calistoga is likely outside their radius), which is super convenient when you’re on vacation.

              For dinner, a lot of the places on this list look scrumptious. https://visitcalistoga.com/directory/directory-category/dinner/

              Things to Do: I like to plan things to do ahead of time. If I don’t plan it, we end up doing nothing. (Which sounds like it might be just what the doctor ordered for you, though.) Easy enough to skip if it ends up being too much. I’d suggest planning one fun thing each day in the afternoons, and spending the morning in the springs, or vice versa. Looks like there are a bunch of cute little shops in the downtown area. Also a few art galleries and local museums. A Tuscan castle, though that looks like it’s wine focused and also maybe exhausting. Farmer’s Market Saturdays. Free music in the park Thursdays. I’m not seeing much on the music calendar for August, but quite a bit for July, so you might double check closer to the date. (https://visitcalistoga.com/calistoga-events/category/calistoga-events/music/) Check out the chamber of commerce website for a fuller list of things to do. (https://visitcalistoga.com/directory/directory-category/things-to-do/)

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Buena Vista, Colorado? You’d have to drive there from Colorado Springs or Denver, but there are hot springs in the Collegiate Peaks area that are pretty cool. It’s been a long time since I have been there but some of the pools are right on the edge of the freezing cold mountain river, which is a fun contrast.

    5. Ewesername*

      Come to Canada! It’s really pretty up here!
      Banff / Jasper have nice hot springs – some are wheelchair accessible if you’re at that point. Both have nice things to see and do. Calgary and Edmonton are close by.
      Or maybe Ottawa. Old world architecture, great museums, the only place you can smoke is in your own home (pretty much). Seriously though, there’s no smoking in most public spaces up here. Not sure what your mobility is like, but I’m on two sticks some days and on wheels the others and I’ve run into very few issues when visiting there.

      1. Bibliovore*

        ohh, this sounds perfect. Hot springs. perfect. I use a cuff crutch and rent scooters if I’m traveling. Best airport to fly into?

        1. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

          Calgary. Banff is only an hour away from the city, so you’re not doing a huge car ride from there, and the airport is an international hub, so getting here is easy.

          There was a thread a couple of weeks ago about things to do driving between Calgary and Vancouver, and I posted with some Calgary-specific suggestions, in addition to the mountains/Banff.

          1. Bibliovore*

            Thank you for these. Might be too much driving for me. My favorite vacation of all time was more than 15 years ago to Vancouver Island. Made it through the ferry ride.

      2. Beaded Librarian*

        Ohh I remember the hot springs up there. I was thinking the same thing and they are lovely. Also I think it’s already happened but Banff has a wonderful film festival every year with great indie films.

    6. Bluebell*

      I’m off to Iceland next week! Two outings with hot springs are on my itinerary- the Secret Lagoon and Steam Valley. Mostly we are enjoying nature but have one afternoon for museums in Reykjavik. It’s a pretty short flight from the Northeast.

      1. Bibliovore*

        oh please report back abut how it went. Looks like we can plan this kind of trip in Sept.

    7. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Oregon is another “smoke free even in bars” state. I can’t think of the last time I’ve had to deal with smoke at an indoor music venue in Oregon, Washington, or California. (Outdoor concerts are hit or miss.) However, depending on what else triggers your asthma the PNW can be a rough place to be with so many things blooming. I know Oregon has hot springs, but I’ve never been to any of them and can’t speak to how accessible any of them are.

      1. Dee Em*

        Montana is also smoke free indoors including bars. Chico Hot Springs near Yellowstone National Park is fabulous. Or Bozeman has more city amenities, lots of restaurants and bars and trendy bookstores and shops. Missoula is also fun.

        1. Beaded Librarian*

          I always think of Fairmont Hot Springs in Montana but I don’t remember there being much else around it.

    8. TPS Cover Sheet*

      2nd vote for Iceland. It really is something different. And they do accessibility pretty well. Oh and EU has discouraged smoking and most countries in Europe have by now banned smoking in bars and restaurants, so you will be absolutely fine.

    9. Bibliovore*

      THANK YOU! I actually feel my breathing get better and my blood pressure lowering.

      Wow, oh wow. I am starting to get the appeal of the vacation planning. Blue Lagoon is so amazing. I am on deadline for a few things right now so can’t get sucked into the rabbit hole of research but wow. It is what I imagine heaven would be like.
      Late for planning for August but now that I know that it exists, I can dream.

      When we started talking about a vacation, Mr. Bibliovore said why don’t you ask your weekend friends on the internet. Thank you weekend friends!

      Turns out Mr. Bibliovore’s college girlfriend lives in Conestoga so that is definitely a possibility.

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Have fun dreaming and let us know if you need more help. The rabbit hole of internet research is a fun place to get lost.

        If you decide on Calistoga, the chamber of commerce website has lots of great info.

      3. Nana*

        Here’s another…Glen Ivy Hot Springs. Two locations in Southern CA. Either is close to lots of other wonderful things to See and Do. Almost no smoking in the entire state…certainly not in bars and restaurants

    10. Bibliovore*

      One more recommendation request. Madison Wisconsin. Staying at the Canterbury Inn. (for nostalgia) Doing one business dinner then a day off. Need to make a reservation. Would love a recommendation for the business dinner. Local fresh food. I think there is a vegetarian in the group. Most important. Comfortable seats for me. Ability to hear and have a conversation. (no loud music etc) Oh in if there is a day spa/hotel for near by- I would love to be able to get a massage/swim/pt. after hours in a car. Spending next weekend in Spring Green. Whaddyah got?

  66. delphine*

    My sister announced her pregnancy on Monday when I was over for the holiday. She has 2 boys [3 and 6]. With both of them she has no idea who the father is. She did name some men but the DNA showed it wasn’t them. They don’t have the same father. She says she thinks she knows who the father is this time. But she’s said that before. I’m overjoyed to be an aunt again as much I wish my sister would get her act together. If it wasn’t for family she’d be screwed but we all love the boys and will love this new little one when he/she gets here.

    1. valentine*

      With both of them she has no idea who the father is. […] They don’t have the same father.
      There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. If she wanted to get info or child support, she would. Notice how the guys didn’t stick around and presumably aren’t looking through birth records for their partners’ names.

      1. Dan*

        I guess we’ll have to debate what the phrase “inherently wrong” means, or the extremely limited context in which you are applying it.

        Most people in the USA would consider it irresponsible to have children that one cannot support. Note the phrase “if it wasn’t for family, she’d be screwed”. (Which is a funny choice of words, given the context.)

        I’m also having a hard time parsing your two statements — you say she’d go after child support if she wanted it, but she *has no idea* who the father is. OP implies that *family* is providing child support in some form, and that’s kind of a problem. As to the last statement, I’m not sure what you’re getting at. It’s not unusual for guys to have casual sex and then move on (it’s called a one-night stand for a reason). Are you suggesting they should be calling every week to see if she got pregnant? If it was a one night stand and no numbers were exchanged, how would you expect them to follow up?

        I’m pretty sure you’re trying to present some sort of anti-slut shaming message, but there are responsible and irresponsible ways to have recreational sex. The behavior OP describes fits “irresponsible” by most peoples’ definitions.

      2. delphine*

        Except she has named several men as being the father, and as I said above, DNA testing has ruled them out as the father. For both of my nephews she has filed for child support from at least 3 men saying each time they were the father. So far none of the men she named has been. She can’t get child support from the fathers because she has no idea who they actually are. And as I said in my post above, she isn’t financially self sufficient. Without me, our parents and other family members she would be homeless. We pay 100% of her rent and other bills so my nephews will have food. She hadn’t had a job in almost 9 years and the only reason we help her is so my nephews have a place to live and don’t starve. Either you didn’t actually read my post or you made some incorrect assumptions.

        1. Dan*

          It’s pretty obvious (to me anyway) that valentine is trying to push an anit-slut shaming agenda, but is overlooking the fact you aren’t “shaming” your sister for having sex, you’re shaming her for being irresponsible. Your sister is unquestionably irresponsible BTW. I’m not sure how someone can read your post and think otherwise.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            Yeah, between this and the “my husband is gaslighting me for pointing out that my text to my friend isn’t as clear as I thought it was,” this seems to be a weird weekend for people throwing around SJW terms that they don’t actually seem to understand.

            Anyways, yeah, there are ways to sleep around ethically and responsibly, and there are ways to not do that. It would seem that Delphine’s sister is choosing the non-ethical and irresponsible ways to get it on. Some people be like that.

    2. Dan*

      Oof. See above — this sure is the weekend thread for stories of people getting pregnant at inopportune times.

      I like your use of the phrase “if it wasn’t for family, she’d be screwed.”

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      That is truly remarkable.

      I mean, there are only a couple fertile days per month and pregnancies can be dated to the exact week usually by ultrasound.

      I do think it’s irresponsible for anyone (male
      or female) to be having unprotected sex with so many different people that if they were told, you probably became or made someone pregnant on this small range of dates and they can’t figure out who? Or at least be able to come up with a list containing the correct person to be tested? Multiple times?

      Wow. That’s potentially unhealthy (pregnancy means they aren’t doing much to prevent disease either) and bad for the kids (financially, obviously, and their right to know both parents).

      I would judge someone for this…

      1. WellRed*

        When the kids get older they will ask who their father is. That question comes home to roost, and they won’t be easily answered.
        I don’t know how a single mother if two manages to find so much time and energy for multiple sexual encounters.

        1. tangerineRose*

          The kids can get a DNA test at some point. I know someone who was adopted and found who his mother was using this test.

      2. moar tea plz*

        …. “only a couple fertile days per month” ….

        but sperm can live ~ 5 days. So, that’s about a week of fertile-ness. And exactly dating of pregnancy … is less exact than you seem to think. Ultrasound timing was off by a month for me.

        1. Clisby*

          Yeah, my first was off by two weeks. On the other hand, my sex life wasn’t lively enough that a two-week window would have left me clueless about the father.

  67. I'm a Little Teapot*

    I will be fostering a kitty! Hopefully picking him up tomorrow. He’s a hospice foster, so assuming I’m able to integrate him into the household, I’ll have him indefinitely. Am telling my cat that she should be friends with him. He was found and taken to the shelter, emaciated, matted w/feces and urine all over him. They shaved and bathed him and determined that he has hyperthyroidism. He’s easy to medicate – liquid in his wet food! Goal is to try to get some weight on him, and just keep him comfortable and happy. Right now, he’s in really bad shape, but at least he’ll be able to relax and be happier out of the shelter.

    2. Deanna Troi*

      This is so amazing! Thank you for making whatever time this cat has left safe, comfortable, and full of love. This may be the best his life has ever been.

    3. Eva and Me*

      It’s so wonderful what you’re doing for this kitty, for however long he has to be with you. Best of luck to all of you!

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Best wishes! His medical team should know this, but just in case – thyroid issues can actually “counteract” kidney issues, so as the thyroid stuff comes under control, be mindful of potential kidney problems raising their ugly heads. I took in an elderly kitty a while back and found that out the hard way.

  68. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    May I suggest a cute little tourist trap city? The only one I can think of visiting was way steep, but a bit of googling suggests Calistoga CA which bills itself as “hot springs, mud baths, world class restaurants, and amazing Napa Valley wines”. 30 minutes from the local airport.

    Let me know if you want more help-I love planning vacations, but have neither time nor money to go on them much myself.

  69. MOAS*

    I had a rough day and a rough week but this coming week I have this to look forward to –

    I’m seeing a friend
    An item i want releasing Monday
    Ed sheerans album comes out
    Ed sheerans pop up store may be coming in my area

    1. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Ed Sheeran album coming out?

      That explains the riddle, the item you want is… earplugs

      1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

        Ha ha. And I thought I was a music snob. :) One could do a lot worse than Ed Sheeran.

        MOAS, have you seen the movie Yesterday yet? Liked Sheeran in it.

        1. MOAS*

          Yes saw it last weekend. I cried a whole lot at one of the scenes. like that part hit you deeply in the feels.

  70. Teapot Translator*

    Recommendations for bad action movies?
    Sometimes, I just want to watch a bad action movie that is not too problematic (or not problematic at all.) For example, I’ve watched White House Down a few times.
    Last week-end, I tried Olympus Has Fallen, then London Has Fallen. Hated them. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t like Gerard Butler.
    Any bad action movies that you like?
    It can be a good movie, but when I’m cooking, or doing something else at the same time, I want don’t want to be too focused on the movie.

    1. honoria*

      I once completely organized a kitchen to White House Down–perfect Doing Other Stuff movie, that!
      My all time task movie is Twister–Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt lead a scruffy team of tornado chasers–a huge fave of mine.
      I half-watched the Independence Day sequel yesterday while on a cooking binge, and that went well.
      Movies that I adore but some people consider bad (that I love to Do Stuff around the house to): Road House, Point Break, Predator 2, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, Red Dawn (tho I always cry at the end), Speed, Die Hard 2 (cos not as good as the first), Lethal Weapon 3 n 4 (cos not as good as 1 and 2) . . . I’ll post more if I think of them, but those are some of my faves

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh man, Twister is so ridiculous. It’s fun and I love it. Thunderdome is awesome.

        I like Total Recall for a dumb action movie. “COHAGEN! GIB DESE PE-PUHL AYAH!” lololoollllll

      2. kls*

        Air Force One (Harrison Ford as the “ass-kickin’ President”, according to David Letterman)

      3. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I love Speed and Point Break! I mean, Keanu Reeves. Enough said. But I really do like these two movies in general. And Twister is one that I always leave on when I happen to flip to that channel.

      4. Parenthetically*

        My husband is deeply obsessed with Twister. I grew up in tornado alley and spent many a summer night huddled in the basement listening to sirens, so I… don’t understand the appeal! :’D

    2. Jaid*

      Karl Urban’s Pathfinder is so bad, it’s hilarious. I do like him in the Riddick films, though. I’ve watched them so much, they’d be good background noise…

    3. Parenthetically*

      I am 100% a sucker for Jason Statham movies. I love The Transporter. So bad it’s good.

    5. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Dunno about bad, but ”Snatch” and ”Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” are movies I can watch all over again and still giggle at some scenes… ”Pulp Fiction” and the pisstake ”Plump Fiction” as well…

    7. curly sue*

      I loved the combination of ridiculous script and fantastic worldbuilding that made up the first Pacific Rim movie. Half the lines are pure Top Gun nonsense, but the robot vs alien punch-ups, some of the casting, and Del Toro’s direction make up for a whole lot.

      (We don’t talk about the appalling sequel. John Boyega and the new robot / critter designs were the only decent parts of that cinematic abomination.)

    8. Booksalot*

      Just watched Dante’s Peak with Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton. Good cheesy shlock. Did you know you can drive a pickup through fresh lava? *eyeroll*

      But my absolute favorite awful, terrible, ridiculous movie is Snakes on a Plane.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Lava! That reminds me of the laughably bad Volcano with Tommy Lee Jones – the La Brea Tar Pits scenes are ridiculous! Such fun.

      2. Beaded Librarian*

        We watched Dante’s Peak in Earth Science Class on ninth grade and had to list all the bad science stuff we noticed in the movie.

  71. Washed Out Data Analyst*

    So I finally feel ready to start dating again!

    This past year I’ve been so busy/burnt out/still recovering from PTSD from previous heartbreak that I haven’t been much on the market. For awhile I thought I had lost interest in dating altogether, but now I’m feeling better about it.

    I…kind of don’t know where to start though? I’m the on the apps, but the first couple dates I went on didn’t really go anywhere. I want to meet people IRL but don’t know how to go about doing that. Any tips/tricks?

    1. Dan*

      Just in terms of the online dating thing…

      It seems that several women post that “they tried a few dates, nothing panned out, so they moved on to other things.” I’m kind of curious what the expectation was, and why it was set. I ask, because as a guy, it’s well known that OLD is a huuuuugggggggeeeee numbers game. To do it well requires WORK. It’s not easy. I did pretty well with it, at least in the sense that my conversion rate from “real attempt at a message” to “in-person date” was pretty good. But while most people I met were quite pleasant, nobody I met OLD truly created that “spark”.

      It’s funny, because men think women have it easier, and women think men have it easier. In the traditional style, as a guy, I’ve got to write a pretty decent customized “cover letter” (initial message) if I want any hope of a response. That usually took a good 20 minutes. And more than half wouldn’t respond at all for one reason or another. Many that did respond never turned into an actual date. So big time investment is all I’m saying.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I wonder how much the difference has to do with, well, as a woman, I think we’re more conditioned to be careful dating and to think of possible dangers. So a few dates feel risky, and if they don’t go well (especially if the other person doesn’t take rejection well), it’s hard to keep doing it.

        1. Dan*

          The thing I will never understand is why dudes go off the deep end when they get rejected. To me, it’s a sign of a really troubled person, and sadly, there’s way too much of that then there should be.

          As for general safety, take your own transportation, meet in public place, don’t drink too much (or anything, really) and I would assume that covers 90% of the bases? I haven’t done a “first date” in awhile, but when I make one, those are the conventions *I* follow (not for my safety, but to minimize possible concerns on her end.) But if the real safety issue is people who you meet and then don’t take rejection well (at that point, presumably you’ve exchanged phone numbers by then so they’ve got that) I get that.

          One local woman who ran a singles group on meetup had a “thing” about going on 30 dates in 30 days. Sounds exhausting if you ask me, I try/tried for one a week at most.

          Again, I’ll fully admit I don’t understand those who don’t take rejection well. Or, more specifically, I don’t understand why *so many* dudes don’t take rejection well, such that it’s A Thing. It makes no sense. Side story, since we’re on the subject: Awhile back, I went on a first date that went really well. While trying to get a second one going, she text me back and was like “sorry… but I’m further along in the process with other guys, and one wants to make it official, and I want to see where it goes.” To which I wished her the best of luck and (truthfully) told her that if she was looking for something long term sooner rather than later, she was making a better decision. I had just gotten divorced and wasn’t sure what I was up for. To which she thanked me profusely (it wasn’t over the top, just genuine) for not being an ass about getting rejected. I’m sitting there thinking it’s a shame that it’s something she needed to thank me for. I told her to call me if things didn’t work out. She said she would but I never heard from her. Such is life.

          1. TPS Cover Sheet*

            ”Men can’t multitask” they say. I think I am a bit like that. I can’t date multiple people at the same time. Just feels wrong. It is 1:1 and full-time investment. I used to be a sailor and I knew many guys though who had a ”wife in every harbour”… so maybe its just me. If the woman is dating several persons simultaneously… why would I start a relationship with a wife that has a husband on every ship that sails to port?

      2. Lady Jay*

        I was talking about the time investment thing with a family member recently, and we agreed that while OLD involves a lot of dates that never really go anywhere, face-to-face dating does as well: you meet somebody at a bar or through friends, go out a few times, and then it fizzles. So I’m not sure there’s a substantive difference.

        That said, YES, dating is a lot of work! It’s a big reason why I’m not doing it now. I spent about a year on one of the better known dating sites, messaged a lot of dudes, met up with a few in person, and . . . nothing. Some, there’s a good reason why they’re single; others, there just wasn’t a connection (different ambitions and life goals). Or sometimes, there was a difference of interest: I’m interested, they’re not, or vice versa. It takes time and work to discover these things, though. :(

        Eventually, I’ll likely try online dating again, but my impression is that one basically has to be willing to sink a significant chunk of your free time into it.

      3. Washed Out Data Analyst*

        I also have a problem with the ‘spark’ when I meet a guy IRL after connecting online. And when I do meet a guy I want to go on a second date with, he’s not interested. My problem is the times I’ve truly fallen for someone, it was after getting to know them in person (hanging out in the same friend group, etc.) Like, I didn’t date them until I knew I actually liked them. It’s really hard to know how I will feel about someone when I meet them online. And even after the first date, it’s hard to calculate whether I should continue going on dates with this person.

        1. Dan*

          When I OLD, I actually don’t spend that much time in the “interact via the computer” stage. I do 2-3 messages (enough to establish that they can communicate clearly and get through an hour in person without it being terribly excruciating.) For me, the reasons are two fold: 1) I actually don’t want to develop preconceptions of people that don’t bear out in reality. 2) The spark thing. No sense in wasting more time than necessary in figuring out whether the spark is there.

          I dated a woman for three months that I met on one of the big sites. On paper she was perfect. I realllllyyyy wanted things to work (and I think she did too) but in the end I just couldn’t. (“Spark” reasons, you know?)

          At the same time, I met someone via a friend, that on paper was just never going to work. Oh hell no. But… things being what they are, four years later, we’re still going strong. Well, ok, it’s in the “it’s complicated” category, but such is life.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      If you live in a decent sized metropolitan area, Meetup can be a good option if you want to informally meet a bunch of people without the pressure of online dating. When you join Meetup, you select what your interests are, and then Meetup suggests local groups that fit your profile. You can pick everything from the age range of the people in the group to hobbies to specific activities that the group engages in.

      While I haven’t met a partner through Meetup, I know others who have. And even if I don’t, I’ve met some new friends and had a good time doing activities with others who are like-minded.

      1. Washed Out Data Analyst*

        I’ve actually considered Meetup (and went to a couple.) I should try it again. My only concern about Meetup is that a lot of my friends (we’re all female) have had negative experiences going to Meetup groups (not for dating) and encountering That One Guy who wouldn’t stop hitting on them, even if they weren’t interested. And continue harassing them through the site until they felt they had to delete it. I hope that doesn’t happen to me. Similar things have happened to me in networking events outside of Meetup and it’s very uncomfortable.

    3. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Well, ”speed dating” isn’t necessarily everyones cup of tea, but it actually is fun. If you are shy… erm… ”socially awkward” it is a good way to dip your toes in and check the water. Sort of being among your peers relieves a lot of ”peer pressure” that you would otherwise have.

      Back in the day after my divorce I used to meet up with this kind of a ”singles group” that wasn’t exactly a dating site, but rather compensating the fact a lot of single people or ”new to town” can’t benefit from package deals or don’t know what is happening. Like I love going to the opera all in my nines, but going alone anywhere I didn’t want to make the effort… in the singles group I went to opera five times, and enjoyed immensely…. so if there is something like that in your area, might give it a try.

      I have a couple of the apps, but they all ask for money and the only interests you get is from catfish accounts trying to score their farang bankomat, so I’m doing it the ”old fashioned way” and chatting up birds in the pub. My only problem is I go to an old fogies pub which really doesn’t have the right demographics… its more likely elder gentlemen start chatting me up…

      Oh, and one question, ladies, wtf is this thing having a group photo on tinder or dating app? Like how the heck am I supposed to know which the three of you it is? Seriously?

      1. PX*

        Please know that guys are just as bad with the group photo thing. The best is when its multiple group photos all at a distance so its like: try to find the common person??????

        Plus sunglasses in every photo as well which means you end up having no idea what they actually look like…

        1. TPS Cover Report*

          Yeah, a few times I showed up and had to go all the single women through as I couldn’t figure out who it was in the picture… they probably thought it was a desperate chat-up line. I have a lot of goofy photos from holidays, maybe I should use those. I look about as goofy in real life too.

        2. Washed Out Data Analyst*

          I second this – GUYS DO THIS TOO! I automatically swipe left on these profiles. I think it’s somewhat laziness – they are probably defaulting to the pictures they have on FB. When I built my first app profile, I had to dig out recent photos of myself because I didn’t update my Facebook for years and had pictures from when I was a college freshman – very misleading!

          1. Dan*

            I think for guys it’s laziness. “Oh I need a photo.” For women, I actually think it’s because for one reason or another, they think the group thing presents them in the best light. (As in, “I’m *really* happy with my friends in this photo, I think it makes me look good.”)

            In general, I can’t stand “goofy” photos. Those are automatic swipes.

            1. FirstTimePoster*

              As a non native english speaker i want to ask what are “goofy” photos. If i google that i only get pictures of the cartoon character goofy.

  72. Krawfish in Canada*

    Anyone playing wizards unite? I just started today. My friend code is 7606 8345 3943 if anyone is interested!

  73. Justin*

    TLDR: I have outgrown some problematic friends who I feel loyal to and it makes me sad.

    So, ten years ago or so, three of my best friends were, like me, really going through stuff, whether or not they were able to admit it to themselves (I wasn’t). We drank too much on nights out, and were Not Great. I’m not talking about assaulting/physically harming anyone, but we needed help because we were varying states of self-medicating depressive issues, and there were many a night one or more of us needed talking down from the anger we didn’t understand. We didn’t all live in the same place but we all knew each other, and because I had known all of them originally, I was sort of the fulcrum connecting folks.

    Fast forward.

    I 1. started running 2. fell in love/got married 3. cut way back on drinks and 4. got professional help. I still have some issues with mental health, but I understand them and they’re mostly under control.

    These three friends have dispersed. One is West Coast, one is in another country, one lives… very close to me. And regardless of what their diagnoses are or should be, aren’t actively seeking treatment (not because they don’t have insurance etc). Fine.

    So now, here I am, and I’ve not only done all this work, but also gone back to school and learned a lot about many systems of oppression (if you don’t know, I’m black; two of them are white, one’s black). They’re not 23 anymore, and they’ve matured in some ways (one’s married with a pregnant wife), but they are various levels of Unwoke.

    Guy 1 is genuinely progressive in his core beliefs but likes to troll in ways that I’ve told him are not good. I mostly just call him out but since he lives far away, this makes up more of our interactions than I’d like.

    Guy 2, who lives closest to me (and whom I actually see), is… you know how some people say that politics are a horseshoe and that going very far left makes you similar to the far right? Well, like that. And if called out, he just doubles down.

    Guy 3, was my closest friend for years, but I already realized I’d outgrown him before my wedding, and I didn’t give him a specific speaking role in the ceremony, which became a several-year fight on his side. But he’s mostly just an arch libertarian.

    I am slowly distancing myself from these Problematic Unwoke Cishet Dudes. But I feel really bad. Had they left me to my own devices ten years ago, I’m sure I’d’ve turned my anger inward in catastrophic ways. I feel in a lot of ways that because they were dealing with a lot of the same stuff, they were uniquely helpful, and that I owe them. But my wife is (it’s early) pregnant, and I’m really thinking about who I want around my growing family.

    I guess I’m just sort of sad. I don’t want to ghost them, but I don’t think they would listen to me trying to teach them Woke Life. Yet we’re too old to be acting like Cartman. All of them have briefly received treatment but not continued. I just wish they could be the people they are capable of if fully healthy, and I know I need to continue to build up my other relationships as my life goes forward. But I wish it weren’t this way. I feel like I sort of have survivor’s remorse.

    1. ..Kat..*

      Well, it sounds like they were the friends you needed at the time. I recommend that you feel grateful for having had them back then. They will always be a part of the better person you are now. I hope you have new friends that fit who you are now.

      Congratulations on your growing family.

      1. Justin*

        Thanks. That all makes sense. Part of the issue is I’ve always struggled to make friends, so in moving away from them I have fewer. But that doesn’t mean I need to anchor myself to the past if it’s not a useful part of the future.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Well, I just typed all of that below and you summed it up in one sentence what I was trying to say. :)

        2. WellRed*

          You may find one or all of them floating back into your life in the distant future, in a good way.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I feel like this about a couple friends I have now, one I met in high school (A) and the other when I was maybe seven or so (B). A third friend (C) is now an ex-friend and that happened 20+ years ago, because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I mention her because all three of these people have something in common in that they just can’t or couldn’t get it together and the patterns now are the same they were many years ago, and we’re all in our mid-40s now.

      All three of them have varying degrees of depression and anxiety. A and B have that mostly under control with meds, though they still struggle. C, as far as I know, although she was taking meds, I feel like she really needed a lot more help, but she wasn’t willing to help herself with anything and it was everyone else’s fault. All take and no give from her. Hence, the end of the friendship. I’m still sad sometimes that I had to end it since we had good times in high school and we had great talks, but there’s no way I’d invite her brand of chaos back into my life.

      A, I’ve grown distant from because even though she is helping herself to a degree, I feel like the relationship is just stagnant. Any time we would talk it was all about her. She rarely asked me how I was doing. Each conversation was about what was going on in her life, telling me stories about people I don’t even know, stuff like that. What really made me become distant and stop contact was a couple years ago when my dad died in March and then my brother died four months later from cancer. I never heard a word from her, though she “liked” my status on Facebook each time I announced the death so it wasn’t a matter of her not knowing. When I called her out on it she told me about an issue she had going on. Fine, I get she had her hands full, but how long does it possibly take to text me, “Sorry for your loss”? She never apologized and that just made me realize that I wouldn’t mourn the friendship if I ended it. I didn’t officially end it, I just went silent. She probably doesn’t even realize it because we’ve gone silent for long periods of time just because. She was fine as a friend in high school, but she didn’t make a good friend in adulthood.

      B, I don’t even know what to say about her. She’s someone who can’t say no, and she’s a talker not a doer. Add to that her low self esteem, and her patterns continue from the same they were many years ago. She’s very much a doormat, so things that were issues years ago, are issues again because she feels as though she has to take care of everyone. I do see glimpses of a stronger person in there, which gives me hope, but she can’t seem to sustain it. I think she feels hopeless about it. She’s been my best friend for years, so I don’t think I’d ever end the friendship. I do sometimes feel like the friendship has run its course, so I just distance myself a bit when I need to. I get so frustrated that she keeps repeating the patterns from so many years ago, which is causing her–at 48 years old–to basically be back where she started at 20 years old. Then she gets depressed about it, which means she doesn’t want to do anything to help herself. I try to help her, but she just kind of flounders around. Eventually she gets a shot of self-confidence and motivation and she fixes something, but then she usually backslides again because she can’t say no.

      All this to say, I think it’s natural to outgrow some friendships, either because people have issues they won’t address, or you have nothing in common anymore (definitely the case with A and C). It’s fine to be sad about it. It’s hard, but think of it in terms of what you get out of the friendships. Do you get anything out of them? If not, then maybe it’s time to move on.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      Sometimes the best influence you can have on someone is allowing them to miss you.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You don’t have to shut the door and lock it. You can hold the door open so that in years to come you can check on each other. I have two thoughts here that you may/may not find helpful.

      There is a saying that has helped me a lot. There are three types of friends, friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
      Just my opinion but very seldom do we find life long friends.
      Friends for a reason might pull us through a crisis or a transitional time in our lives.
      Friends for a season might journey on with us until the next friend or next major life event comes along.

      To me, reason and season kind of merge, I can’t always tell which one explains the friendship. Your friends here sound like reason and/or season friends. You clearly show that you see the purpose of the friendships and this is really good that you see that. It seems like you treasure the times you had with these friends and that is a pretty healthy thing to do, treasure our memories.

      My second thought is something I have seen in married couples. If one person gets treatment and the other does not then the marriage fails. Both people have to work on healing together. It’s not a huge leap in logic that friends can out grow each other in a similar manner. Healing/reknitting ourselves requires a lot of work as you say and part of that work is changing our perspective, changing what we place a high value on and so on. It makes sense that the New You is going to have difficulty relating to people who are doing the same things you have abandoned or were never really that interested in to begin with.

      I have a friend who used to be pretty wild. He describes himself as a Recovering AH. (Yeah, I thought that was well framed.) Part of reclaiming his life meant letting go of old ways and, sadly, old friends. He does hold the door open for most of the friends. But the friends are pushing 60 now and they are still into the same stuff they were into in high school. He has nothing in common with them except for the stories of the old days. He does stay in touch ( a few times a year) and if they need something he will help in modest ways. (He lives modestly himself so he cannot give large amounts of help.) He feels that by handling it this way he is respecting/treasuring the friendship. He does remember all his friends did for him and what it meant to him at that time. But his current day-to-day life involves a totally new circle of friends and very different types of activities. He seems pretty satisfied with this solution. His friends can’t go where he goes and he can’t stay where his friends are (figuratively speaking). But he can respect and treasure the friendships for what those friendships were.

      1. Justin*

        This is indeed helpful. The main reason I realized I was more distant from the one who was my friend in college was that all he could bring up was things we did way back then, both in positive and negative ways. I see now that it’s because his life was better then than it is now, which is sad, but I also know I can’t, as they say, set myself on fire to keep other people warm.

    5. Penguin*

      I struggle with this same kind of thing. One of the things that has helped me the most has been recognizing and accepting two things: 1) that people, including me, change over time and 2) that friendships are about /current/ me and /current/ them. A past friendship is neither a guarantee nor a requirement for a friendship to continue; if one or both of us has changed in such a way that we’re no longer compatible as friends, that’s OKAY! It’s ok to grieve what was, it’s ok to put effort (or not) into the relationship if you decide to try to maintain it, and it’s ok to let go if that’s what’s best for you.

      It’s ok to “break up” with friends. If you haven’t yet, you might check out Captain Awkward (dot com)’s website and search for the “African violet” of ending friendships.

      1. Justin*

        Yeah I’ve read her site, mostly I wrote this here since I figured (correctly) you all would respond pretty fast. (I’m reading all the comments, even to the people who say they expect I wouldn’t!

    6. Agent J*

      I’m not sure if you’ll see this comment (since it’s a day later), but I look at friends as being in your life for a reason or a season. Basically, we all change as we go through life. Sometimes the friends we have in one season of life fulfill a deep need (i.e., a reason).

      But once you move down a path that they can’t or are unwilling to follow, you have to let go for your own sake. You seem to know that already but the guilt is keeping you tethered. It’s okay to feel guilty and acknowlege the grief of these friendships. But if maintaining these friendships will be detrimental to you and your growing family, don’t delay your own progress. It’s okay to choose yourself now.

      Hoping you find peace during this time. Definitely not easy but trust yourself to make the right decision.

    7. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Probably so late you may not see this. But you might consider just… backing down to a “follow and keep in touch level.” It may be that they will, over time, grow and learn – as you have. 35 years out, I have friends from a given stage of my life – one (A) , (B), and (C) . I was not super close with any of the for a long time, but did do Christmas cards and touched base (lunch when I was home visiting family), over the years with A and C. I initially would have said I had more in common with C…

      Interestingly, A has turned out – after we shared the loss of a parent and a sibling (different years)… to be a wonderful support. Like, I can pick up and start the conversation again, with just an email or phone call once in awhile. I made the same level of effort with A and C over time, but C…just seemed to become more isolated, and A, more open, as they grew as individuals. B I recently reconnected with, and will probably try to see when I am home sometime, but it will be more of a .facebook-type connection. We were all great friends at one time… but, different people change at different rates.

      Leave room for them to grow and change at their own pace; just don’t count on their path being anything like yours. There can be real value, later, in having someone who does have a history with you (if they are not toxic).

  74. The Other Dawn*

    Well, I’m almost in the home stretch of making my home gym. We painted the ceiling today and I’m SO sore! I picked up some paint samples, all of which are a shade of purple. Once I decide on a color I’ll paint the walls, then in go the ceiling fans and floor mats, then some trim and then I can finally move my stuff back in. I’m so excited.

    I have to say, though, I’m so tired of people saying, “Oh, you got a she-shed???!!!” UGH. I don’t know why, but I just hate that term. “Man cave”, too. I’m also tired of family members commenting on what I paid for the shed (yes, it’s an actual shed, so, fine, it’s a she-shed). Well, I got a nice bonus from my last job and it was SO worth it to not have to deal with building it ourselves for once. And then tonight my sister commented “yikes!” on the cost of the flooring. They’re actually horse stall mats, which are great for shock absorption, and they’re cheaper than all the other flooring I’ve seen. Seems like some people are so interested in how much other people spend.

    1. Parenthetically*

      “She-shed” is one of those terms that makes me straight up HULK OUT. Just pure rage instantaneously. It’s Peak Gendered Term Bullshit.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Yeah, “home gym” is a perfectly good word to describe what you’re doing – I don’t know why anyone would use “she-shed.” What’s next – your car is now a “she-mobile” instead of a honda?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Probably because it’s truly a shed (one of those pre-fab ones), I’m a woman, and people have the Geico commercial stuck in their heads (Cheryl’s she-shed burned down, in case you haven’t seen it). Literally every person I mention it to says, “Oh you got a she-shed?!” Even my OB-GYN a couple weeks ago! One of my sisters wants to have a sign made for me to hang outside on the door. I told her that’s fine, but it can’t include “she-shed.” It’s just so overused at this point.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Well, I’ve only heard it in this online conversation here and I’m already sick of it, so I 100% understand that you’re ready to clock the next person to say it. Also, a home gym is a great money-saver and time-saver when compared to a regular gym so whatever you spend on it is probably worth it so long as you actually use the thing.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Oh yes, it will be used at least four days per week, no question! Now that I’ve been working out consistently for over three years, I decided I was ready to have my own gym. What ready sparked the idea what that my previous job had a small gym, which was literally about 30 feet from my office door. It was SO convenient and i miss it. Current job doesn’t have that, though people are pushing for it.

    3. Ali G*

      This is really funny to me because I keep calling the pantry we are building in a remodel as my “she-shed” and I am going to put a chandelier in it!
      I mean, I have zero interest in hanging out in a tricked out shed, but I am stoked for my new pantry :)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Call it whatever you want! I like the idea of a new pantry and I’d be really excited, too.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I just painted my five color samples on the wall and it’s such a hard decision, although I have one definite “no” already. Who knew that picking one shade of purple would be so hard??

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        I get the paint color thing. This time, I painted huge (roller width or better) of my top 3 choices, with the depth I expected, let them dry and then picked after viewing in a variety of lights in the room. I learned a tough lesson at last house, when I picked the “sunny but not too dark” yellow from a color chip – and it turned out to look like big bird when I got 2 coats on and it dried in the bathroom, in the morning light. Too much money (at $50 a gallon for the good stuff) and worse, labor, to repaint the whole room, and I disliked it every time I looked at it for the 3 years I lived there.

        Even with the caution I took here, the “white with a tiny touch of gray” has a distinctly (but not awful) blue tone once it dried with the right amount of paint over the mint green that was in my office. It was the best of the lot I chose (I brought home 4 sample tubs at $2 each, painted the sections of wall, and then compared). Just really tough. And the light makes a difference, as does the primer/underneath color.

        You might consider paler on 3 and one accent wall. Then if you get tired of the brightest shade, you can adjust that one easily.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’ve definitely learned my lesson by buying paint based on the sample card and not an actual sample of the paint. Even with the ones I brought home, there’s a noticeable difference on the wall vs. the card with two of them.

  75. fposte*

    Barbara Pym fans update–I finally got around to watching “Miss Pym’s Day Out” on YouTube and it’s delightful. Beautifully evocative of the era, Patricia Routledge is wonderful, a pleasing Pymesque mood, and her sister and many of her fellow authors playing themselves. If you enjoy her and can forgive the visual quality of a taped version, it’s an hour you’ll probably like.

  76. valentine*

    Some weirdo anonymously sent me a grooming/healthcare product. I assumed it was a vendor thanking me for waiting for a backorder. The chat rep can’t say who it is unless I guess right, but I’ve no guesses because it’s not a vendor and they don’t share my last name. Surely not a medical professional, yeah? Tempted to use the aggravating thank-you email option (“Reveal yourself, weirdo!”), but if it’s someone I’ve gone no-contact with, they win. I’m reading How to Be Alone and thinking about terrible people, so, seriously weirded out. WWYD?

    3. Lilysparrow*

      If it came factory sealed and you like the thing, use it and pretend you won it as a prize.

      If that would hink you out or you don’t like the thing, throw it in the trash.

      Either way, don’t do any more investigation or engaging with where it came from. The Universe sent it to you because you should have nice things.

    4. TPS Cover Sheet*

      Oh, it seems to be ”a thing” these days you get random shit delivered. I got a pair of genuine fake raybans and even I go drunk on eBay I’m not that stupid (I need prescription glasses). What first weirded me out I got some random womens clothes from Bulgaria to my former address, so now I am not too fazed out. It is called ”brushing”. So not necessarily anything sinister, but yeah, I was wierded out at first too.

      1. TPS Cover Sheet*

        ”Brushing is a deceitful technique sometimes used in e-commerce to boost a seller’s ratings by creating fake orders.[1][2][3][4] Sometimes a seller will do this by paying someone a small amount to place a fake order, but sometimes the seller will just use another person’s information to place an order themselves.[4] Because a shipment usually has to take place for an order to be considered valid, the seller will frequently ship an empty box or some cheap item.[1] These fake orders, if unnoticed, can boost the seller’s rating, which can make it more likely that their items will appear at the top of search results on e-commerce sites.[1][4]”

    5. TechWorker*

      When you say ‘the chat rep can’t say who it is unless I guess right’ – I mean that sounds like a really really arbitrary rule – I’ve no idea who you’re talking to here but might be able to push back on that. I don’t think there’s any kind of law that says you have the right to buy things anonymously for other people..

  77. Dan*

    So I went to a new mall food court for dinner this evening (they’re calling them “food halls” now). And I saw something I’ve never seen before: The stand I went to was fast-food style (no table service) and in the fine print they said they added a 4% “fair wage” fee. Fine, I get it, but it was a bit strange because the stand was one of the cheaper places in the “hall”. I’d don’t think a $0.30 increase in menu price would have discouraged much business.

    But then they also had a bunch of tip jars out front. That was a big nope for me — my opinion is pick one, either have a “service charge” of some sort on the menu, or a tip jar/line. But to do both is a bit gauche IMHO. Also, the upcharge was subtle, so I expect a lot of people pay a tip without noticing the fee.

    1. Llellayena*

      I’m sorry, if they want to pay a fair wage, pay it. Don’t fob it off on the customers with a “hidden” fee. I don’t mind when they add a tip to a large group (I’ve been in charge of money collection for a few groups, underpaying on tip is a thing), but in general I want to chose to tip and how much. And not at fast food.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Yeah, I am absolutely in favor of businesses paying their employees fair and appropriate wages, but the way to do that is to…charge the prices that allow you to pay those wages? Don’t make me do percentages in my head to see how much your prices actually are, just charge those business-appropriate prices in a straightforward manner.

      2. Dan*

        Yeah… IMHO it’s 100% rational to have the tip line on these mobile payment systems at fast food counters. As a consumer, I hate it. But what’s odd is that lots of people in the US really, really, really want to tip everybody and their brother. So some people *want to tip*. And by facilitating the transfer of cash between customer and employee, the owners can shove a few $ in employees’ pockets without having to pay increased labor costs. So labor is happy, owner is happy, and enough consumers are happy.

        That means those of us who hate the practice are screwed. But hey, if it keeps menu prices down for me, then so be it.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The best was the donut shop I went to recently that had an obnoxious credit-card-only payment policy, yet a giant cash tip jar on the counter. Yuck.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I wonder if the owner was trying to make a political statement (pointing out that an increased minimum wage means that you have to charge x amount now).

      1. Dan*

        I was thinking about that, but the message was really confusing. The place had limited menu on the lower cost end of things ($7.50 for a sandwich, $3 for fries, $2 for slaw, $2 for a bottled drink). Everything else in the food court was more expensive, and this place has good reviews. I mean, adding $0.30 to the sandwich price, $0.12 to the fries, $0.08 to the slaw and drinks is going to do absolutely nothing for the price point positioning of the eatery compared to other places.

        So “4%” sends a very, very strange message in the context of labor costs and tips — in the US, 15%-20% is considered the bare minimum for service/labor costs. Is the owner trying to tell us that we way over tip? Then the tip jar on top of the service charge is so, so weird.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Added wrinkle: Younger me worked in enough food places to know that tip jar is not sitting there if the owner/manager disapprove of a tip jar. So that tip jar was approved by TPTB. Probably the same person with the 4% add on idea.

        2. lasslisa*

          When I see it for political reasons it’s usually fairly clear – “ACA surcharge” (I want you to know that having to insure my employees makes this more expensive!) or something similar explicitly to complain about a law requiring higher wages. So maybe they say the new wages only increase the price 4%, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tip more, but it’s a grating choice for them to say “our customers need to KNOW this extra 4% is because of the higher minimum wage law”.

  78. Sparkly Librarian*

    We threw a party to welcome our (10wk old) baby today! Just at the local rec center, but we ended up having more guests than at our wedding. And enough cake to feed them, thanks to a caterer’s trick of slicing a round cake.

    In the middle of the welcome ceremony (think christening, but secular), the lights flickered and died. We carried on, as we were in a room with plenty of natural light, only to find out that it was a sizeable regional outage for maybe an hour — had to use phones as flashlights in the bathroom! Lots of jokes about how our little one was demonstrating her powers already (her middle name is notable, like Lightning or Zap). And she was absolutely good as gold the whole time. Much more of an extravert than either of her parents, who are pretty beat after all those people.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Congratulations!! So pleased for you – weren’t you having to keep it quiet for a bit? Happy for all of you!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Congrats!

      And yes, there is definitely a correct way to cut a round cake in order to get the most servings out of it. Usually it’s for a wedding, but it’s been really useful for any occasion when you think you might not have enough cake, or you don’t want to serve huge slices people won’t finish.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I learned it first at my own wedding; yesterday we had a caterer friend take charge when it came to cake-slicing time. I also learned how to make 8 pieces with 3 cuts.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I took some amateur cake decorating classes years ago and that’s how I learned to cut a round cake to maximize servings. A coworker wanted me to make her wedding cake, which would be for about 75 people. It was a take on tiramisu, so it was definitely not cheap to make, nor without effort. I made enough to serve 100, just in case. She had her wedding at a local catering place, which also had a banquet room. When it came time to slice the cake, I was so glad they did it in the banquet room and not in the kitchen. You wouldn’t believe how enormous the slices were–each one was enough for three people! They were so big that there wouldn’t be enough to serve everyone, even though I made it big enough to serve 100 people. They were making wedge slices, like for a birthday cake, and they were doing that on the largest tier, which I think was 14 inches. I quickly went over and told them I’d slice the cake myself. Luckily we had enough cake for everyone, but just barely.

  79. TechWorker*

    I booked a table for 14 people a few weeks ago for a birthday meal.. all of whom had said they’d come and confirmed the date. 3 hours beforehand 2 people have dropped out and another is now a ‘maybe’. I get that plans change (and that for some people it’s a bit of travel time because I’ve arranged it where I live and I usually travel to see friends) but then just don’t agree to it in the first place..? Or you know maybe give more than a few hours notice? Pissed at my friends. (No-one has even tried to give an excuse really either, this is not a case of ‘something unpredictable came up’)

    1. Pharmgirl*

      I’m with you – I hate when my friends do this, and unfortunately it seems common. About a year ago, I had moved back to my home state and invited a group of friends to my new place. I specifically asked for when people were free, and picked a date that worked for most people. The day before people starting cancelling (not emergencies, just apparently better things to do), and in the end ONE person came. It was really hurtful, and there are a few specific people in my group that tend to flake out all the time. I never commit to anything I’m not sure about, and once I’ve committed I stick to it. I’d rather people just say they can’t go – dropping out at the last minute is always a burden to the host. In your case you’d already made reservations, and I’d already bought food and drinks that no one was around to eat.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve had this happen, too, and it’s really annoying. I had two friends that flaked all the time. I stopped inviting one of them, because she’d cancel every single time. The other one I ended the friendship many years ago (for other reasons).

      This happened recently with my husband’s 50th birthday party we had a couple months ago. Everyone knew a couple months ahead of time, said they’d be there, then all of a sudden they couldn’t make it anymore. A few of them offered no reason (not that they need to provide one, but it would have nice in this particular case); a few had reasons, which were other events (did they not know when I first mentioned the party? If they did, why did they agree to come? If they didn’t, then why accept that invitation when they’d already said they’d come?); and a few others–his own FRIENDS–totally flaked. One had the balls to text him a picture of his date for the night. They were at a bar while the friend was supposed to be at my husband’s party. We ended up with about 1/3 of the people invited. I felt so bad for him. He took in stride, but I’m not sure I could have. At least not for a milestone birthday/event.

      I feel like many people accept invitations with the intention of coming, but as it gets closer they decide they don’t want to come for whatever reason and either cancel or flake out, not thinking about the host’s feelings or that he/she may have spent a bunch of money, time and effort for the event. They figure their absence won’t make a difference. I also feel there are others that have such a hard time saying “no” that they agree to come, knowing full well they’re going to cancel at the last minute.

    3. TechWorker*

      Thank you for your commiserations! The pub turned out to be not that busy (ie didn’t complain about the table being 3 people short) and I had a really lovely time with the friends that did show up, so my irritation didn’t last too long.

    4. londonedit*

      Really late replying so I don’t expect anyone will see this, but I just had to commiserate because this sort of thing happens to me *all the time*. I’m starting to wonder whether people just have different attitudes to plans. Personally, if someone invites me to something and I agree to go, that’s it – it’s in my diary and I wouldn’t dream of cancelling unless I was ill or there was some major emergency. Yet other people don’t seem to do that. If I plan a get-together, odds are I’ll get a flurry of ‘Oh whoops, double-booked myself, I’ll try to come along later’ (spoiler: they won’t) or ‘OMG I’ve just realised your party is today, so sorry, can’t make it’ messages. Or people just won’t turn up. And I mean, that’s fine, but it does make me feel like a bit of an idiot. See also: the fact that I’m always the one messaging friends saying ‘Hey…are we still meeting up tomorrow night?’ and then they’ll inevitably reply with ‘OMG I’d totally forgotten, so sorry, can we do it another day?’ I try not to be disappointed but if I can remember plans and stick to them, why can’t anyone else?

  80. Rebecca*

    Divorce Drama Update – Happily, no more blocked phone calls or nasty voice mails. I don’t need that on top of the Mom situation (see earlier post). I asked my attorney to add the paragraph in the agreement about any unpaid balances being due with the 6% per year interest rate, so maybe that took the wind out of his sails for a while. His sister reached out to let me know he bought a second car and described it to me, so I’d know that was his car when I went to the grocery store. But other than that, nothing, and I’m glad about that. One less thing I need to worry about. I downloaded Audacity and I’m going to transfer the saved voice mails to .wav or .mp3 files and email them to my attorney for my file, just in case.

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending you a “good news” high five. I know it is a tough, tough week. This is one item hopefully off your plate for awhile. You are almost done with him, and at least you won’t have the constant reminders.

      You have come so far… you are an amazing person and have gotten through so much… the finish line is almost here for that one. So honored to know you, even virtually.

    2. Dan*

      Glad to hear.

      Something to think about, re: knowing what kind of car he’s driving. Think long and hard about what information you really want and need and let people know accordingly. (More specifically, information you *don’t* want.) The more information and updates you have about his life, the harder it’s going to be to move on.

      I do get if you run into him unexpectedly, it’s a bit of a shock. But unless there’s a restraining order, no contact policy that *you* are obligated to hold up or fear of violence, you’re better off having less information and taking your chances.

      My ex-wife decided she was going to couch surf after we separated (her life, her business). One day, my ex-BIL called me up and was like, “hey, I bought a X plane ticket to get back to her mother’s place. She flies out tomorrow.” My shrink asked me a very good question: Why did he call me the day before she left, as opposed to the day after? And for that matter, did I even really need to know? (We live(d) in the suburbs of a major metro area. Chance encounters aren’t all that likely.)

      But continue to stay strong on that front. If you keep ignoring them, eventually they go away. (It’s sort of like the lady up thread whose friend kept texting her while she was trying to sleep. *If you want people to stop communicating with you, YOU have to stop communicating with them!”) It works, just maybe not as quickly as we may like.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thanks Dan, I always appreciate your comments! I’m glad for the info, so I can avoid him or know if he’s in my work parking lot, that type of thing. I don’t ever, ever want to talk to him again, and I know it’s impossible to avoid an accidental encounter unless I leave this area. You would think he’d get the hint when his texts are blocked and he rants on my voice mail and threatens me, with no call back or contact, but that’s not the case. As far as anything else he does, I don’t care if he flies to Mars. Whatever. But I just don’t want to ever hear his voice or see him again.

  81. Occasional commenter, going anon*

    I’m looking to relocate to the Capital Region in NY from a small town in the Hudson Valley. Largely for job stuff (small towns don’t have a lot of software dev positions), and also because I lived in a mid-sized city on the West Coast before I moved here three years ago and want to go somewhere with culture and action again.

    What are your guys’ feelings on pros/cons in Albany/Schenectady/Troy and surrounding areas? Thanks!

    (Not work-related feelings, since this is a weekend thread, but just life in general.)

    1. Llellayena*

      Troy is beautiful! I’ve never lived there but I had an aunt there that I visited. We’d occasionally walk her around downtown Troy. It’s been a while so I don’t remember enough to be helpful.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      All of those towns have good sections and some sections are not safe. For example, some churches provide informal security escorts to walk people out to their cars. I am not a city person but I don’t mind going into any one of those towns if I need to. The roads can really jam up during commute hours but other towns/cities have it far worse and you can listen to the road report. Parking in Albany is a bear. The layout of the roads in Troy seems crazy to me, you’re going down a road and all of the sudden it’s one way. ugh.
      Surrounding towns may be a little cheaper but not always.
      You will find work, however, keep an eye on the rates of pay and the number of hours required. Some companies expect 24/7 employees. Some bigger companies consider Albany a “small pond” and treat their branches in Albany accordingly.

    3. deesse877*

      You will need to decide whether you want to mostly drive places (excluding your commute), or mostly walk. Because of the weird patterns of urban renewal and gentrification, which put shopping in odd places and suburbified many smaller towns, your only good options for “mostly walk” are downtown Albany and Troy. (Carless is probably not practical anywhere). If you decide for “mostly drive,” your options differ primarily in terms of density and age of construction–like, do you want to live in an older town center, or a newer development? Rent part of a Victorian, or get a newer townhouse? Most of the small towns are internally divided into an old part and a new part. A few, especially to the north of Albany and west of Schenectady, are just rustbelty, with no redevelopment extant, and few cultural institutions. You will find pockets of deep poverty and vicious racial segregation in all three big cities.

      The “culture” part, except for some restaurant centers in Albany, Troy and Saratoga, is also going to be a matter of driving for the most part–to some extent because of overall suburbanification, but also because many important venues for music and drama are far-flung, at colleges, summer institutes and the like.

      In short, I can’t generalize based on political units like townships or counties; I recommend deciding what sort of built environment you’d like and then visiting places in person.

    4. post it*

      I lived in the Hudson Valley and also moved to the Capital Region for a few years. I liked it quite a bit; I lived in mid-town Albany, where I could walk or bus to work, coffee shop, etc. It has sort of a small-town feeling since the number of people who live in Albany proper is not that many, but it still has a decent amount of culture and events. You can easily drive out to the more rural areas or take the train to NY (and it’s almost as fast as the Metro North because it doesn’t stop in every town :P). It’s colder than most of HV but it gets less snow since it’s more inland. All in all it’s just very livable. I would go back if I could.

  82. OyHiOh*

    Been busy this week, in the way you keep yourself busy when your feelings hurt and you don’t want to spend too much time dwelling on them.

    I knew 4th of July would be tough because that was my late husband’s big holiday. His favorite day of the year. The 4th is all tied up in memories of BBQ’s and family get togethers, none of which the kids and I were particularly up for this year. So we went to a park. Had hot dogs at home. Went to our little hometown Riverwalk and played in a water feature and walked home from there. It turns out that if you walk 30 minutes, play in water for an hour, and then walk back, children get exhausted. They were asleep before the official city fireworks started.

    Went to a First Friday Art Walk event Friday night. A little birdie told me that the Missing Stair at our local synagogue is sick this week (bronchitis crud of some sort) so we went to local service on Saturday. I’m glad I went! There was a couple visiting who are here for a few weeks and they rented a house that’s just a couple blocks from where I live. Really nice people and I’m definitely going to try and spend some time outside of services with them while they’re here.

    Saturday was my birthday. My friend Neptune (inside joke – one day I’ll have to tell the story) *did* plan a lovely evening. Ethiopian for dinner, a really good show – Measure for Measure (Shakespeare comedy and surprisingly relevant to #metoo), after show drinks, and a that kind of quiet comfortable drive home where there’s no pressure to keep the conversation moving.

    On the other hand, having a small philosophical disagreement with my housemate. She’s of the opinion that grieving parents have to “hold it together” and “be strong” for children because loosing a parent is different from loosing a spouse and somehow kids seeing a parent grieve is scary and confusing for the kids. I’m of the opposite opinion – that kids learn how to grieve from what they see modeled and (especially important for my son) it’s important that they see me cry, be angry, have days when my brain simply does not function; go through all of the things that they’re experiencing and feeling.

    1. Blue Eagle*

      Just here to give you props on letting your emotions show to your children. It would be one thing if you never kept it together and put it on your children to help your grieving; but to do as your housemate says and never let your emotion out gives your children the impression that either (1) your husband’s death doesn’t affect you at all or (2) that they should keep their emotions bottled up inside too and never let them out – neither of which is healthy.
      I totally agree with your decision to let your children see what you are experiencing and feeling so that (1) they think it is OK that they are experiencing and feeling these emotions and (2) they will express their emotions to you about other things in the future and not keep them bottled up.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I’m with you on this one. It’s hard to explain, but in my life, that “keep a stiff upper lip” and “don’t ever show your emotions” is one end of a continuum; the “dump everything emotional on your children and wallow in it, making them part of your unending misery” is the extreme other.

      The middle ground is, as you have noted, an appropriate place of sharing the level your children can take in, being authentic, and modeling, as you do, having emotions and dealing with them appropriately. Kudos to you. If you need (I don’t think you do – they are your children and you have the sense of their ability to cope and the teaching of them, as well)… I’m sure others will give you studies and citations.

      But from this corner of the internet, I can say that I grew up in a family where most emotions were dealt with only on the ends of that continuum, and very little modeling done of the middle ground (for grief or any difficulties, soldier on, or shut down, were the only two options for coping).

      No one does everything perfectly, but you are raising your children with a great tool box of skills. Your instincts are sound….

      Happy birthday!

      1. OyHiOh*

        Neptune is a product of that time period in which people did not talk about family troubles with their friends, boys were expected to be man of the house, and parents did not talk about their own feelings much less encourage healthy emotional expression. Without telling too much of the man’s story in my words instead of his, that all boiled out catastrophically a decade and a half after his father’s death. As a result of his own experiences, he’s a strong advocate for access to mental health care at all ages/stages and one of the things I appreciate about our friendship is that he regularly checks in on how I and the kids are doing and makes sure that we’re doing the counseling and otherwise taking care of ourselves.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          That’s wonderful, and having the support of someone who has been through it – and is farther on the other side – is very helpful to counterbalance the words/thoughts of someone who isn’t at that same stage. Everyone filters their thoughts through their experiences, but it sounds like he’s learned and has the wisdom of the experience, not just a recent event and is still in the midst. Your roommate may – or may not – be invested in (even not knowingly) “justifying” his/her approach to their own children, based on their own environment. You don’t have to validate or agree with what they did or they experienced in their childhood, or even their opinion. It doesn’t make them right or wrong “for them” – you just do what is best for you and yours. And you are.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      I grew up with an emotionally tight-wound mom. She did not appear strong. It made her brittle, and I wound up suppressing my own emotions to protect her.

      That is not good. Much therapy, many badness.

      It’s so important for kids to learn that it’s okay to say, “I am sad.” That having very strong emotions is not, in itself, a life-threatening emergency to be avoided at all costs. And that you can weather those emotions and come out the other side.

      I’m glad you were able to attend services and met nice new neighbors!

      1. Ginger ale for all*

        You can see that dynamic in the movie and book, Ordinary People by Judith Guest. The mother tries the stiff upper lip and her world implodes. The son and father are more open with their emotions and they fare much better.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have a middle of the road thing going on when it comes to parents grieving. I do think it is a teaching moment and I think that the parent can use the teaching to help their own process.

      My parents were opposites. When my maternal grandparents died, my mother clammed up. She said NOTHING. EVER. It was so weird, like she just decided she never even had parents or something. After they passed she very seldom mentioned either one.

      But my father was the cool one, he absolutely adored his inlaws. So this had to be wicked hard for him but he used it to teach me. When grandpa (my mother’s father) died I was five. My father asked me if I wanted to go to the wake and funeral. I almost intuitively knew I had to go because my father was going to explain something to me. So punchline, my first glimpse of death was from the safety of my father’s arms as we walked into the wake for grandpa. Since he was so attached to Grandpa, I tend to think holding me was also helping him process this loss.

      While my father was good at talking about eternity and heaven, he was not good at talking about grief. AT ALL. I had to learn about grief on my own and do it the hard way. What my father did say, taught me to talk about loss And my mother’s stony silence taught me the *importance* of talking about loss. My father was radical for his time, my mother was more the norm.

      Fast forward. Thirteen years after my grandmother died, my mother died. I remember watching my father cry. I remember thinking to myself, “This is what real strength looks like.” Real strength is sitting down, crying it out and knowing all along that you will get up and do what needs to be done anyway, in spite of it all. A strong person knows they can cry and they won’t break in half because of crying.

      So I don’t have kids, but I am someone’s child. And FWIW, YES! teach your children. Yes, let them see you process. Yes, explain to them that this is your process and this is what people do. My bias: My mother was dead by 62. I believe that the way she just shut down was a contributing factor to her early demise. We have to let grief out, kids need to know that.

  83. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Last week I posted about being afraid to drive my car that had what I thought was a failed muffler, and a few folks asked for an update. Here it is:

    I drove the car to the repair shop without incident.
    Turns out the problem was a catalytic converter issue and i needed to replace the converter. Mucho money!
    BUT, here’s the kicker! I needed to drive the (now blissfully quiet) car that night to pick up my niece at the airport. At midnight, merging onto the highway… my check engine light comes on.

    As best I can tell, the car is running perfectly, so it’s the kind of thing where I’ll drive it back to the mechanic and ask him to recheck it once things calm down here a little. I have no reason to doubt the mechanic’s repair; his reputation and my past experience with him has been sterling.
    I’m guessing either the repair (or the fresh tank of gas I got immediately after leaving the shop) spazzed out the engine computer somehow, or my luck with this car (I’ve had it for 9 years and the only repairs I’ve needed have been with tires and brakes) is finally starting to even out.

    I just find it ironic that I drove the car for 220 MILES at highway speed on a 90 degree day with apparently no catalytic converter and didn’t get an engine light… then fixed the problem and got a light (for the first time in this car’s 12 year life) not 20 miles later.

    1. Lilysparrow*

      Depends on the make/model, but on my car that light comes on for scheduled maintenance at certain mileage intervals. Like, at X miles you’re supposed to check the belts, or replace the air filter, or whatever.

      So it could just be coincidence that your odometer hit a certain number on that drive.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Good thought, but my car has a separate “maintenance required” light.
        What I’m seeing is definitely the engine malfunction light, unfortunately.

        1. WellRed*

          Mine comes on for no reason. There’s a way to reset using some fancy pedal footwork outlined in manual.

    2. acmx*

      You could disconnect the battery for 10 seconds or so and see if that will clear the CEL.

    3. Alex*

      If you’d just gotten a fresh tank of gas, it could be a loose gas cap.

      Happened to me.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        That’s what I was hoping for — but, alas, gas cap was totally tight. I’ve heard, though, that even if the gas cap seems tight, their seal wears out after awhile and that can trigger the light.

        After driving a Saturn for 13 years before this car and having its Service Engine Soon light on for probably most of the last five of those years, I’ve learned that (1) a check engine light could mean literally anything, including the light itself being defective and (2) it’s not a big deal to drive with it on. Thankfully, my state inspection (check engine light on is an automatic failure in my state) isn’t for another ten months, but I’ll definitely have it checked before my next road trip in a few weeks.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Some auto parts stores will let you borrow their ODB scanner and use it in their parking lot for free to find out more specifically why your check engine light is on. (They do this because they’d like to sell you the parts to fix whatever-it-is rather than out of pure altruism, of course.) I don’t know how willing you are to troubleshoot car stuff yourself, but that might be a thing to try next. (My previous car was so old it didn’t have the scanner port and I just had to figure out why dashboard lights were on myself by a combination of guesswork and the Haynes Repair Manual, and my new one hasn’t had any lights come on yet, so I haven’t ever actually borrowed a scanner from an auto parts store myself.)

  84. Llellayena*

    I saw South Pacific last night and now I’m thinking that some celebrity singer needs to revive “You’ve got to be carefully taught.” The message that children need to be taught to hate is…rather relevant at the moment.

    1. OyHiOh*

      That song is so damn cheerful and catchy . . . . . and utterly chilling if you stop and think about the lyrics.

      I was struck by something similar last night. Saw Measure for Measure and thinking about how Isabella could just as easily have been Ms Ford testifying during Kavenaugh’s hearing last winter. The beauty of theater classics is how relevant they remain even as times and cultures change.

      1. Clisby*

        It’s definitely relevant to today, but I’ve never thought of it as cheerful and catchy. The two characters singing it are definitely not in a cheerful mood.

      2. honoria*

        honestly, the hands-down scariest line I’ve ever heard is : “Who will believe thee, Isabel?”

    2. Southern Metalsmith*

      Yes. During Lent I became involved with a group of United Methodists talking about ‘Racial Reconciliation’. A group from a large black church and a group from a large white church got together once a week to talk about race in America and what can we do to facilitate change?
      The first morning we met, the Bishop who was welcoming us to this journey quoted that song. ‘You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late, before you are six, or seven, or eight…’
      You are absolutely right, OyHiOh, it is chilling, but I think it’s also hopeful. After all, if you can be taught one thing, you can be taught another.
      Our large group has been split up into smaller groups and my smaller group continues to meet once a month. What we think we can accomplish, I don’t know. But there is another saying, ‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.’

  85. 653-CXK*

    Hi Alison,

    Just a heads up – there was another post upstream that was smiliar to this one…posters, DO NOT copy and paste the website link as it may be malicious.

  86. Tee*

    Question for some of the more seasoned travellers out there. How do you begin planning the things you will do/sights/etc.?

    I’m going to NYC this summer alone for the first time (I’ve visited several major European cities, but never alone) and while I am getting so excited… I am sooo overwhelmed by the planning of what to do and see. Is there a way to do this that isn’t sooo exhausting. I leave in about a month and I’m afraid that I’ll have a poorly planned trip.

    I’ve bought a ticket for ONE broadway show, so I have *one* concrete thing.

    1. misspiggy*

      I try to choose places to visit based on one per half day, proximity to each other, likelihood of getting awesome food at the right time of day, and significance (how much does this location epitomise the city for me?).

    2. Policy wonk*

      You can’t see/do everything. So make a list of what you want to do and prioritize. Compare your list to a map. What things are close together and should be done in the same time period? When I travel I plan in blocks. Morning is one, then lunch. Afternoon is another. Then dinner, and possble evening events or just resting if you spent the whole day on your feet. For each block have your must-do. Have a lower priority possible in case the must-do doesn’t take the whole block, but assume that it will and don’t plan two must-do items in the same block or you will likely miss one. (Everything will take longer and likely cost more than you expect.) If you are a shopper make sure to include stops at your hotel to drop bags so you don’t have to carry them all day. And have a great time!

    3. Pam*

      I assume 3 blocks in the day. Morning, afternoon, evening. I will only schedule for two of the blocks per day. Downtime is important.

    4. CAF*

      A few things I do when planning:

      – read lots about the destination to find out what sounds fun (I start doing this WAY in advance)
      – make a list of everything I might possibly want to do and then prioritise that list into definite, if possible and maybe categories
      – think about days in terms of three parts (morning, afternoon, and evening). Ensure I leave one of those free each day for free time, spontaneous choices, or vegging in the hotel room depending on energy levels etc.
      – don’t book more than one thing per day so I’m not over-committed if I need more downtime or flexibility than that (so if I have theatre tickets for one night, I’ll plan to do something in the morning that doesn’t require booking, have the afternoon free to veg out, and then the theatre at night. If I need the morning off too, I can change my plans without consequence.)
      – be willing to change my plans
      – leave time to just wander around without a plan – at least one day of a trip of more than four days, I won’t plan anything, I’ll just head out and see what I can find. Wander the streets, observe the city, go and do whatever takes my fancy.

    5. NicoleK*

      Here’s what I do:
      1. Make a list of attractions or activities that I want to do
      2. Plot them out and group them when it makes sense (ie plan to see attractions in downtown on one day and etc)
      3. Have 2-3 must see and a couple of optional activities
      4. Understand that it will take longer to see and do things as a tourist

    6. Dan*

      You’ve gotten some good tips on actual planning.

      One suggestion: Don’t. In fact, I’d suggest that a poorly planned trip is worse than an unplanned trip.

      Second suggestion: You don’t use any grandiose terms like “trip of a life time” or “dream trip”. (Which is fine, it goes to the point.) Don’t think of trips in grandiose terms or “one time only” or in any other “must be perfect” context. Because guess what, it won’t be perfect. If you’ve never been there before, you’re going to screw *something* up. And guess what, even if it isn’t “perfect”, you’ll have fun anyway. But you can screw things up by planning too much, or planning wrong and having things all over the city.

      I do some light reading on places way in advance, to get a sense of where I want to stay and how long I want to stay. I’ll book the plane tickets very far in advance, but once I’ve got the high-level stuff figured out, I wing the rest of it. What I *don’t* do is read up on every museum or whatever and try to pick the “best” one. Too time consuming.

      For sake of conversation, I often travel for a month at a time, usually spending 3-5 nights in any given place before moving on. If I tried to plan out every day in advance, I’d go bat shit crazy. So I get a sense of things I may want to do, then leave lots of stuff to the last minute. Way less stressful that way, and much harder to put together a *bad* plan :D (Bad plans have you traipsing all over the city every day, having you spend more time in taxis/subways than you are actually doing stuff.)

    7. Parenthetically*

      I’m a very low-key traveler and I don’t want to exhaust myself by trying to do too much. In a city like NYC, you’re never going to be able to see *everything*, so don’t try! What if you thought about the ONE thing in each category you really wouldn’t want to miss — restaurants, museums, tourist sites, shopping, broadway shows, etc. — and started there? And focused on ONE daytime thing and ONE afternoon/evening thing? That gives you time to navigate public transit, “happen upon” cafes and fruit stands and taco trucks, and generally not feel rushed every minute to get to the next thing. And then you can group things geographically to help you navigate well.

    8. TL -*

      I like to have a mental list of what I want to do, book what I need to book, and do the rest as I feel. I’m pretty good at time management, but I get stuck on wide open decisions when I’m tired or hungry. So having a list of things I know I want to do makes it easy to determine what I am up when I make my decision.

      I usually plan my day out the night before, just so I have goals, and make sure I have something scheduled for the first day. Otherwise I tend to give into the travel-exhausted feeling and I always regret it.

    9. Thankful for AAM*

      I use google’s my maps (not regular google maps) for planning.

      I make a layer with my hotel. Then a layer for restaurants. I add any must try restaurants to my list (I’m vegan so thats why I start with food).

      Then I make layers for things to see and do.
      I might organize these by days. So if I am going to see the statue of liberty, I put that on a list/layer with things near it. I pick one main activity or thing to do a day and have other things on my map that are nearby in case that thing takes less time. And with key restaurants already mapped, I can easily see if tjere is one nearby when I am ready to eat.

      I do all the things others mentioned to find things to do, but then I start mapping them and it helps me plan.

      1. jolene*

        Top of the Rock (not Empire State Building)
        Staten Island Ferry (not Ellis Island/the Statue)
        Rent a bike and do the Central Park loop
        Smaller museums like the Frick, FiT, the Jewish Museum, or go for the Met and the sculpture roof garden (i.e., not MOMA)
        Harlem walking tour
        Buy the current New Yorker for great ideas and reviews
        Century 21

  87. Mimmy*

    Just got back last night from an almost-weeklong vacation down the Jersey Shore…and I’m convinced my body is starting to hate that environment. I have two small areas of itchy rashes, odd-looking sunburn on my feet and right calf, and my arches are now super-tight.

    The rashes could be from the fact that the pool at the house my parents rented was not well-maintained: it was supposed to be cleaned twice a week but nobody came all week except for yesterday.

    The sunburns (which look like red blotches rather than the usual uniform redness) could be from not enough suntan lotion (I’ve gotten lazy with that before but I’ve never reacted like this)

    The arches – I got new Vionics flip flops that has arch support….probably TOO much! Made walking very painful at times.

    Yeah, I’m getting too old for this :P (Okay, I’m only in my mid-40s but I tend to forget that my body is not the same as it was in the 20s!!)

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I have very bad arches (suppose to wear professional orthotics all the time). I can’t wear flip flops – even vionics – for anything much more than in and out of the pool area. No matter what. I take the oldest pair of my good sneakers, padded thorlo socks, and wear them on the beach, etc, and then take them off when I “stop” walking. Dump out the sand, repeat. I wound up limping and in agony for a couple months after an afternoon shopping excursion (thought with elderly relatives it would be short), wearing sandals. I actually had to stop and buy a pair of sneakers and socks in the middle of it to finish that afternoon. Lesson learned. I periodically have to be reminded that my feet are less normal than even my brain. Something about the toe grab/use in flip flops/ sandals for me… even with my other exercise, and stretches to address plantar fasciitis (now in remission).

      1. Mimmy*

        I’m supposed to wear orthotics too but the only shoes that work with orthotics I have are my sneakers. Anything else–flats, sandals, slip-ons–get distorted by the orthotics. My arches are extremely high.

        1. fposte*

          Have you tried larger sizes/wider widths so that you can get the orthotics in along with your foot? That’s what I had to do with my metatarsal pads.

          1. Mimmy*

            It may have to come down to that. I have very narrow feet, so that’s been my worry.

    2. Oldster*

      It could be a rash not sunburn. Or even sun sensitivity. My daughter appears to have sun sensitivity on a certain medication and gets red areas with bumps above high socks where she might not have good sunscreen coverage.

  88. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

    Hamilton goers – I’m thinking of getting some tickets with friends for my (early to me) birthday this year. How good do the seats need to be, to have a great experience?

    I’m asking because I just went to what was suppose to be an excellent outdoor production of a Broadway musical, with dialogue that had significant accents, and was not near the front (a small venue, my 3/4 of the way back was not great, but not awful in theory). I couldn’t hear distinctly enough (I think I have auditory processing disorder) to really enjoy the whole thing. And it is enough of an investment that I’d like to spend the money wisely for my special day’s treat.

    The friends are teachers, so they’d like to go during this summer break – and the seats available do not have the very best stage view. Should we hold out for a weekend date at the end of the run, and try for better seats (at least one would not be able to come)? Or the convenient date, but “worse” seats? Or is the comparison not valuable, because the production quality is that much higher? (Even though I probably paid, for my recent seat, within shouting distance of a discounted Hamilton ticket, if there is such a thing).

    I probably won’t be going back to that outdoor venue, because I think I’m just not able to process without clear, distinct sound. (Have tinnitus now, coping but it’s clear I am starting to have processing issues). Which is too bad. I had enjoyed it in distant years past.

    1. Sorcha*

      Which theatre would you be seeing it in? I’ve heard from friends that even the “worst” seats at the Richard Rogers were perfectly good in terms of views and sound quality, and I’ve seen it at the Victoria Palace in London three times from varying seats and had a great experience each time (most recently from the back of the Grand Circle, so about as far away as you can get, but I still had a great view and the sound was crystal clear). This may vary depending on which theatre/production you are considering, though.

      Maybe look at reviews for the theatre rather than Hamilton specifically, considering the issues you are concerned about?

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        SHN Orpheum in San Francisco. I need to read up on the venue.

        I think the advice to get the soundtrack and read the synopsis will help a lot. I haven’t gone recently to anything (with the long years of hubby’s cancer) and before that, generally went with a group who had a center block of tickets, or got tickets so early that I got relatively good seats. Adjusting to this new stage of my life, where I have flexibility to pick up and do things quickly, means that sometimes, there are trade-offs. Off to look for the sound track/ synopsis!

    2. BRR*

      I saw it in the fourth row all the way to the side. Some of the stage was obstructed but audio was fine and I would say it was a good experience. I imagine any indoor theater would be fine audio wise (I don’t have any hearing issues though). Overall I would say it’s like any other musical in terms of how you define great experience.

    3. tab*

      I highly recommend getting the Broadway recording beforehand and listen to the music a few times. It will help you appreciate the show. And you will LOVE the show! Enjoy.

  89. Eva and Me*

    You might want to listen to the soundtrack before you go. There are a LOT of words, sung quickly. And read a synopsis, which will help you understand the songs better, as well.

    As for seating, I’m not sure about that, especially if you do the above. Enjoy — it really is GREAT!

  90. Cruciatus*

    I hope people can help me determine the best place to put a TV and at least a couch in my new house. I am not particular good at this visual skill. I’ve used a few online programs but they didn’t do much for me. I just want something casual, comfortable, and doesn’t have an annoying walking path.

    Here’s some pics I took from the corners of the room: https://imgur.com/a/1ViC52t
    The window faces west, the chair faces east. And I’m working on taking down that wallpaper and getting vinyl “wood” flooring. The room is pretty small–just over 15ftX15ft.

    Things I will have–TV, couch (or some sort of seat of course), probably a bookcase or maybe shelves. Where would you place the TV (which will be what I expect the main seating arrangement to face) and where would you place seating (and what kind of seating)? Everyone has a different opinion but it seems to come down to the north wall for the TV (which is all wall, no vent or other obstacles, and hopefully not glare from the sun on TV, etc.) or the south wall, which unfortunately has that little bump out because of the entry closet, but you probably have a smarter path to the couch/seats if they face that direction). But I’m still interested in any direction people may suggest!

    Also, the one wall has an opening (to the dining room) and leads to the hallway on the right (bathrooms and bedrooms). Would you paint that wall the same color as the hallway and paint the rest of the living room a different color? Or just paint the hallway and living room all one color? This is the part of home ownership I don’t care for! I wish the house was a little more styled to my tastes already because I’m just not particularly strong in visualizing things.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Sofa in front of the window, TV on the wall opposite — given that the window is west-facing, I assume you’ll close the curtains in the evening to keep out the glaring evening sun! Bookshelves on the south wall, maybe just shelves built into that space? Two matching armchairs on north wall, floating shelves above with plants and such.

      I love the idea of painting the entire east wall a lighter color and running that color down the hall — I always think it’s a good idea to paint a hallway a shade or two lighter than an open living space.

    2. Eva and Me*

      My two cents! I agree with would put the tv on the north wall, with a love seat/smaller sofa facing it. You could even, if there’s room, put a shallow console table behind the love seat/small sofa with a lamp and a place for your keys, assuming there’s still enough room to walk through. I don’t know that you need seating on the west wall in front of the window (don’t want to block the window, but a bench might be nice), but you probably want additional seating on the east wall, and a coffee table between the love seat and tv.

      If you have glare from the window, which you may in the afternoon/early evenings, I would look into some room darkening shades (with the top down/bottom up feature for non-TV-viewing times.

      Also, you can put the tv on a low bookcase, or hang the tv on the wall over some shelving, with bookcases on the side(s).

      Yes, the wallpaper. I have always had such a hard time removing it — hours and hours and very tired arms/hands. But worth it!

      Congratulations!

    3. Oldster*

      Consider sectional for the window wall and solid wall with the tv on wall opposite windows. Low shelving/storage under tv. And yes to the wall being the same color as the hall.

    4. acmx*

      I would put a table or set of drawers (for a landing strip) or a low shelf under the window. If you do the low shelf you could put a catch all on the bump out wall. Maybe a reading chair in the corner. The wall by the hallway/DR, I might install shelves on the wall (vs a bookcase since that seems like it would make the hallway/entrance smaller).

      Couch can face the north wall with your tv; the couch does not have to butt up against a wall. You could place a console/sofa table behind it (which I think Eva and Me is suggesting).

      Also, I had a wall like your DR and hall one and I painted the wall a different color than the hallway.

    5. Llellayena*

      I’d put the tv on the south wall. It’s the best position for travel paths and will have the least glare. The bump is unfortunate though. Can you build the rest of the wall out so it’s flat? Alternately, for a wall hanging tv, build a box just behind the tv so it’s forward of the bump and put a shallow console table under it so you don’t bump the tv. If the tv sits on a table, it just needs to be forward enough to clear the bump.

      Furniture suggestions: large couch on north wall, two comfy chairs on the east wall, table or padded bench under the window.

      1. valentine*

        I’d put the tv on the south wall.
        Yes. Seating opposite. No seating in front of that vent. Bookcases could go on a low table/base that clears/provides access to the vents. The bump can be a feature wall, especially for art.

        Paint the far wall the same color as the hallway.

  91. California NOT dreamin'*

    California question. A friend recently moved to the SF Bay/Berkely area and he is pretty horrified at the conditions there. He has lived in 2 major east coast cities in the north and south.

    CA appears to him to be the worst of everything. He is a POC and is very liberal but CA is challenging that. It all appears dirty, backwards, unkempt, lacking in services, gang infested, and that does not even take into account the costs. Where he wonders, are all the tax dollars going?

    Is this an east coast/west coast thing and will it get better? Does CA represent the worst in liberal execcesses that we hear complaints about? How can my friend adjust (and remain liberal)?

    1. fposte*

      I’m side-eyeing your friend a little. He’s recently moved to one town and has decided to judge a state larger than most countries based on it? He doesn’t grasp that the tax base and political structure vary wildly from town to town even within the Bay Area?

      If you want to name the actual town and the specific problems, people may have more information, but in the meantime I’d encourage him to do some research on the specifics and articulate for himself what he means by “backwards.” It’s hard to tell if it’s a coastal thing or not from this, but I suspect it’s more complicated than the binary he seems to be feeling.

    2. LCL*

      Why is remaining liberal part of the goal?

      What your friend is seeing is a problem in the big metropolis areas of the left coast. I don’t see it as a liberal-conservative issue. I believe it’s an issue of the disappearing middle class, and the shredding of the social safety net creating hundreds of thousands more people at the bottom. They gotta be somewhere, so they migrate to the coasts because you generally won’t die out here in the winter if you are homeless. Add to that a pervasive drug problem of meth and heroin, and yeah. Dysfunctional people camping on the streets.
      (Politically I describe myself as a law and order liberal-do what you want but don’t affect other people with your circus.)

    3. Sandra R*

      It sounds like your friend moved to a new town without doing his homework! There are areas that can be described like that in most major urban areas, so it’s kinda odd that he’s judging the entirety of CA on the basis of one small part but didn’t do that about the East Coast (would he judge the whole of the East Coast based on Trenton, NJ?) That’s extremely rigid, limited, blinkered thinking. I think that’s likely the main root of his problem.

      Maybe he needs to move to a different part of the Bay Area, or at least explore more widely to learn more about the state he’s moved to. Maybe he’s just missing where he used to live, and is judging CA for not being the same. Maybe he’s just being a jerk. But what’s pretty obvious is that the entirety of a huge state is not a monolithic hellhole, and his thinking here is decidedly unhelpful.

    4. TL -*

      It might be a cultural divide in how cities are laid out. In the cities I’ve lived in in Texas (Austin, Houston, San Antonio) and most of the small towns/cities I’ve been to, it’s really hard to avoid the poorer neighborhoods (whatever your definition of poorer is) if you live in the city. You’d have to deliberately plan routes that took you around them and waste a lot of time.

      In Boston, I only saw most of the poorer neighborhoods if I was intentionally going somewhere in the neighborhood. And if I had lived elsewhere in Boston I would never have gone through them at all – not out of deliberate avoidance but as a result of the city’s historic redlining and deliberate deprioritization of developing poor and/or POC-dominant areas.

    5. Thankfully Left the Bay Area*

      I lived in the Bay Area for four years, and by the end I was willing to move pretty much anywhere as long as it wasn’t the Bay Area.

      One thing that’s important for you to realize, is that the Bay Area’s problems aren’t political. They are cultural. The Bay Area doesn’t have a “civic” culture. It has a culture of, “I can do whatever I want regardless of how it affects others,” and the culture frowns on stopping someone from doing whatever they want. This is why the crime is so high (because you can’t tell the criminals not to commit crime), the services so poor (because the voters don’t want to pay for them,) the housing costs are so high (because people who already live there want All The New People to Go Back Where They Came From, instead of building new housing,) and the homelessness so entrenched (because if they want to shoot heroin on the kids’ playground and poop in the train station, you can’t ask them to stop, that would be mean.) A huge part of this culture is the idea that the Bay Area is better than everywhere else on the planet: if you dare not love it as is, you’ll be told to get lost.

      It was a huge culture shock to me, because everyone was so hostile and self-absorbed. And I grew up in NYC, it’s not like I’m some small town flower. The Bay Area is awful, full stop, your friend isn’t imagining things.

      1. California NOT dreamin'*

        Thankfully Left the Bay Area – you explained exactly what he feels! Thank you!

        We were both feeling so confused. That “I can do whatever I want regardless of how it affects others” is exactly what he noticed! But it was like he could not believe that was true so did not describe it so exactly.

        He was thinking that that attitude was an extension of liberal values and was having some sympathy with conservative complaints about liberals – and feeling shocked about that reaction!

      2. California NOT dreamin'*

        I just read this response to him – he feels so much better!! He repeated that several times – he feels so much better that you said that and he knows he is not imagining things!

        He is finding everyone is so self-absorbed and in their own little world.
        He is shocked how everyone thinks they live in utopia – it just is not (nor does he think other places he lived are utopian)! And he is surprised that it is not more civic minded.
        And boy, did you hit the nail on the head – “I can do whatever I want regardless of how it affects others.”

    6. California NOT dreamin'*

      Hi all,
      When I said CA appears to be the worst of everything, I was using CA as a shorthand for Berkely/Bay Area. I don’t know how to be more specific about the neighborhood. He lives in Berkely but spent some time in SF while waiting for the Berkely apartment to be ready. I probably don’t know what “Bay area” really means and I know people who read Ask A Manager and wanted to keep identifying facts out of this. But basically, yeah, he feels like Berkely is a bit of a hell hole and he wonders where all the tax money goes. He plans to look into local government which is something he has never done before.

      Also, he feels sad that it is challenging his liberal values so it feels like a “goal to stay liberal” but that is not really the goal. He is just really shocked that he is feeling this way (as a POC, child of immigrants, and probably non-binary) but he feels unsafe and has never experienced that before. The fact that he realized that his apartment is next to a gang territory has shocked him. And he can now see the impact of huge numbers of illegal immigrants and what that really means and he does not like that he now knows why people are anti-immigration. So his expectations were pretty high I guess for this move and he is coming down to earth hard.

      His idea of backwards is that the streets and sidewalks are dirty and have poop on them, the public areas next to streets and sidewalks are not maintained, there are no POC in the apartment building he moved to, there are gangs nearby, prices are so high, etc.

      I think 1. he did do his homework but did not know to look for certain things, 2. he is missing where he used to live and this move has been more of an upheaval than the last big move (bc he is older now?), 3. I think what LCL and TL explained helps a lot and I will focus on that with him.

      Many thanks!

      1. Sammie*

        My experience is different from ‘Thankfully Left the Bay Area’. I find SF/Bay Area to be very civic minded (I’m Irish, been here for 5 years). They just express it differently, and what gets them out into the streets or to the booths or volunteering is different to what might get citizens from other counties, states, and countries worked up. And it’s not for everyone. Most people I know here do not think it’s a utopia but they feel deeply for the place and its future. I hope that your friend can find people like that because right now with all the upheaval it sounds like he could be falling victim to confirmation bias.

        FWIW, I am a gay woman in an interracial relationship and this is the place I feel safest (as LGBTQ, as a part of an interracial couple, and as a woman in general). Not every area of course but my experience says that this is true of any city. All that self-absorption (oh yes, wherever there is this much money, I believe there is a massive amount of self-absorption) also seems to mean that people tend to leave me and my spouse alone when we’re in public, which is not a given in other areas sadly. There is a strange flip side to most everything I think.

        1. Sammie*

          Just to be really clear, I do not intend to dismiss anyone else’s experience, which may be different to mine. I just wanted to highlight that your friend can have all sorts of experiences in the Bay Area.

          And, if it helps your friend’s sense of perspective any, there are plenty of gangs in plenty of cities across the world that are very much home-grown. Immigration, legal or otherwise, cannot be held responsible for what humans do the world over.

      2. NewNameTemporarily*

        Ah, that explains a lot. I lived one summer in Berkeley during my grad school internship, and even in the early 90s had to dodge the panhandlers and homeless folks on the street and couldn’t go out after dusk unaccompanied (I’m female, and I’d lived in Rockridge for 7 years prior to that and could there).

        I get some folks from “better” areas (read, SF) who sneer because I live south of Oakland (but not in Silicon Valley) and the assumption is that this area is “blue collar” and full of crime. But… I have a great neighborhood (caring for my house when I travel, coming out to support me when husband died, first name basis with everyone, saved my previous dog for me when she snuck out). And every first responder waves and smiles back.

        I do think there’s a lot of neighborhood variation. I am grateful not to “have to” commute on BART any longer, and to have a “neighborly” neighborhood, and a job further out, not in SF.

        So he seems to have picked the worst two places (IMHO) to reside in/ compare. Those are the two I most actively avoid certain parts of, and would not live in… and I’ve been here (except for grad school) for probably longer than most readers have been alive.

    7. Ethyl*

      I don’t think it’s particularly “liberal” to speak of humans as “infesting” places, personally.

      1. California NOT dreaming*

        Is that directed at me? I said gang infested. I think of that as meaning crime and violence infested. As in, there was a gang murder down the street from his apartment and he is fearful.

        One part of me wants to apologize for being disrespectful to gangs and the other part of me thinks this might be the exact thing my friend is reacting against in Berkely.

        He pointed out that many of the gangs are from south of the US border and they force new, young immigrants into the gang which is awful. Just to absolve him from and prejudice against gang violence, I used the phrase gang infested, not my friend.

        1. Different anonymouse today*

          Just so he knows, there are plenty of immigrants from south of the border in areas where gang presence is not so obvious and where their families and friends push them into day labor and housecleaning and other kinds of underground economy–still illegal immigrants but not so scary. I’m in another part of the Bay Area (in what’s called the South Bay, which is more suburban) and I don’t see the same things here so I’ve been able to stay in my liberal bubble.

  92. Overeducated*

    I just got back from vacation last night and have started the pre-baby decluttering and reorganizing (currently I am not sure how we’ll fit human #4’s stuff in our two bedroom apartment, even though we’re going to keep the list very minimal). This is exhausting! Did the Marie Kondo method on clothes, don’t think I can go through it for everything else. I’m afraid if I had a larger house it would just be incentive to accumulate more stuff, but man, what I’d give for some basement storage….

  93. OG Karyn*

    Lil bit late to the party, but I thought I’d just share a little bit of weirdly hilarious/exciting news. I’m now on a dating app, and the other day, I was bored and swiping, when my middle school obsession showed up on my list. And when I say obsession, I mean that I had like, a shrine to this kid in my room. He was the first of many nerds I’ve dated, but at the time, I wasn’t considered a “cool” girl, and he wanted to fit in with the “cool” guys so he acted like I had a fatal disease. But obviously, we’ve grown into adults, and last I knew, he’d moved to California and gotten married.

    I considered swiping him away for a minute, but middle school Karyn screamed at me. So I swiped right, and it turns out, so did he! He messaged me, “No way! How are you?” and we texted back and forth for a minute, and he asked if I still have the same number (we exchanged way back at our 10-year reunion). I said yes, and he said we should get together when he’s permanently back in Ohio at the end of the month (he’s finalizing his divorce papers in CA). Clearly he’s not going to be looking for anything serious, and right now, neither am I, but am I absolutely nuts to go out with this guy? He was voted class clown, spent some years as a successful stand up comedian in CA, and I don’t know what his plans are when he moves back, but I can’t imagine he’s trying to stay in show business. Like I said, middle school me is screaming at me to not turn him down, but adult Karyn is saying, “what could you possibly have in common with this guy besides having a crush in 1998?”

    1. BRR*

      I think you have nothing to lose by going on a date with him. Find out what you might have in common. I think it would be fun to go out with a middle school crush!

      1. Jaid*

        I’ve been watching “My Favorite Groomer” on YouTube, and am saddened by the dog Dede had to shave down. The owner is 80 and was dealing with family issues, and the daughter was supposed to help with the grooming. When Dede was done, there was a coat of fur and ram horn-like dew claw that she snipped off. And you could see the bruises where the mats pulled at the skin.
        Please don’t neglect your animals. The dog was in pain during the shave down and it took about an hour and twenty minutes to do just that.

          1. valentine*

            I wouldn’t go, but if you do and it brings him down to Earth for you, maybe middle school Karyn can relax?

    2. Alex*

      What could you possibly have in common with any other rando on Tinder?

      Go! You’re both single! Do it!

    3. Parenthetically*

      Aw! This seems like so much fun. If the goal of the date is “find out what this guy is up to and hopefully laugh a lot at his jokes” with zero expectations beyond that, I can’t see why there would be a problem! DO IIIIIIIIIT

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Yeah, you’re not committing to anything. I would at least go out on one date with him.

    4. Anon Librarian*

      I wouldn’t judge him for the way he acted in middle school. Meaning that he might have really liked you and just handled it badly because he was a kid. Sometimes I think someone doesn’t like me and then years later, they confess they had a huge crush on me. And that they seemed standoffish because the crush feelings made them nervous.

      Anyway, it sounds like fun. Go, and have a good time.

  94. The Original K.*

    No one will see this because it’s so late, but: I did another triathlon and I feel great!

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Congrats on your triathlon — as a runner who is not partial to swimming, I’ve always been kind of wowed by triathletes — and it’s also cool that your post rhymed!

      1. The Original K.*

        Thank you! Running is my weakest event. Cycling is my best, swimming is second. I love to swim and am thinking of taking some lessons to be more efficient in the water, get the science of the stroke down.

        I didn’t even notice the rhyming, heh!

  95. 653-CXK*

    More comment spam…do not reply to the above email message, as they will ask for lots of Western Union money and never deliver.

  96. Blue Line*

    My spouse is assigned to a DC post and I’ve been visiting from my very large, west coast city. My work has been so understanding, letting me work remotely 4 weeks at a time and come out here every other month. DMV folks…overall, I have been severely disappointed by the food. I’ve been to Ambar, Founding Fathers, District Doughnuts, just to name a few, and it’s been meh at best. Reren has been my favorite so far and Grazie Grazie was solid. Am I hitting all the tourist traps? And don’t get me started on the boba. Who honestly sells these tough, grainy tapioca balls in good faith to their customers?! I’ve struck out each time trying to get my boba fix.

    During my first visits, I initially thought most people were rude af. Almost as if people were going out of their way to be rude, yet would avoid eye contact if “confronted”. This time around, everyone seems more relaxed. Is it the 90% humidity? :)

    On the plus side, I’ve visited nearly all the Smithsonian museums and the zoo! It’s been great not feeling rushed, knowing I can go back again during the week or the following weekend.

    1. Oldster*

      Check out the Washington Post’s restaurant critic. Tom Sietsema. He has a weekly chat and has put out assorted guides over the years.

    2. Anon DC Girl*

      Going a bit more anonymous (don’t want to connect my name with a location)

      Unfortunately yes, you’ve hit mostly touristy/well-known restaurants. I’m not sure what your particular taste is from the other restaurants you named (farm-to-table, high-end, etc.) but I think your best bet is to visit se of the newer and lesser known restaurants in DC. Some of my favorite places:
      – St. Anselm by Union Market
      – Ted’s Bulletin (also touristy but homemade poptarts!)
      – Jeni’s Ice Cream
      – Farmers & Distillers
      – Lapis
      – Po Boy Jim’s on H Street
      – Oohs & Aahs (Two locations: U Street and Georgia Avenue)

      Hope this helps!

  97. Slow Gin Lizz*

    No discussion necessary here, I just wanted to say that I love the pretzel cat photo. <3

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