weekend free-for-all – August 10-11, 2019

by Alison Green on August 10, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Reading Behind Bars: A True Story of Literature, Law, and Life as a Prison Librarian, by Jill Grunenwald. A while back I did an interview with commenter Oryx about her time working as a prison librarian, and this is her book — with far more details about the experience. It’s fascinating.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Desperately seeking cute kitty*

    What are the names of the two cats in the foreground again? The one at the back is Eve, right?

      1. Desperately seeking cute kitty*

        Thanks! I think I remember you getting those two at the same time, where did they come from?

            1. Aurora Leigh*

              But I think Eve is pulling the “if I can’t see them they’re not really there” thing. My cat did that when my now fiance came over to my apt the first time. She loves him now though!

            2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

              Between this one and last week’s it looks like he is living his BEST life. Just too cute!

          3. Windchime*

            I love that Wallace gets to live forever with his mom. That doesn’t happen very often in the pet world. Wallace is growing up to be a very handsome boy!

              1. Cat Meowmy Admin*

                Not gonna lie, Alison – The photos of your furkids are the highlight of the weekend free for all!

                1. Katefish*

                  +1 – I show the pic to my husband every Saturday morning and say, “Want to see the cat of the weekend?” It’s our little weekend kickoff ritual.

                2. PhylllisB*

                  I agree!! Even when I don’t have time to read the thread, I always have to look at the cat photos!! I’m a dog person myself, but I love these cat photos. Alison, I think you should consider doing a coffee table book of all your cat photos!!

      3. Formerly Known As*

        Thank you! I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t know their names. All are adorable, but I’m especially smitten with Sophie because she looks like my cat.

  2. Whistleblower*

    I am feeling nervous after speaking to a journalist on something that could get me into a lot of trouble, both professionally and personally. The journalist has my details and promised he would only use my info to conduct his own research without revealing anything about me. I’m still anxious he might break his word.

    Has anyone done something like this before? How reliable is a journalist’s word to keep me anonymous?

    1. tamarack and fireweed*

      1. If the journalist agreed to hear your material off the record it would be unethical to put you on the record.
      2. Be aware that the journalist isn’t in the service of *your* story, but ultimately of *their* story. The first time I interacted more closely with journalists this really bit me. (This was about political campaigning in favor of same-sex domestic partnerships in a European country many years ago. We’d repeatedly meet with really nice, sympathetic journalists, who listened, and took down our sound bites… and they’d write these stories, correctly using our sound bites, but with a slant that was really really cringeworthy. “Look at those *poor*gays* who suffer *so*much*. But maybe they shouldn’t be rocking the boat so much and be less demanding. Clearly they deserve *some* sort of relief of their pain, but is society ready to call their relationships ‘marriage’?”)

      I imagine when you’re dealing with (what I infer to be) misconduct, you’ll lose control quickly, and can never be sure you’re safe. Is there a whistleblower rights organization with a helpline you could talk to confidentially?

      1. Asta*

        Or sometimes it’s that someone else writes the headline and puts the spin on it without that being the original intention.

        If you’re a whistleblower they should protect you – there are strong protections to allow them to keep you anonymous.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’d suggest looking up the whistle-blower laws in your country*… I have a vague memory that some places only protect those who follow a formal complaint with the government. But in some places that could be even more risky. (I’m thinking HongKong.)
      Good luck!

      *And in the US, check state law as well because some of our 50 have additional layers of protections.

      1. Asta*

        What matters here is protection / anonymity for journalistic sources, which tends to be much stronger.

    3. Batgirl*

      I’m a former journalist who has worked with both ethical and unethical people in the past. I’ve never heard of anyone outing their source. It’s just not done. The journalist would never get anyone to speak to them ever again.

      It might be a good idea to have a discussion about how they are going to protect your identity. Are they going to tell a story that could only have been witnessed by you? Use your exact quotations down to the idioms you use? I always used to read out any copy over the phone to my sources to make sure it was adequately vague.

      Tamarack is right about you not being able to control the slant of the story. Often not even the journalist can do that but a good journalist will know what their bosses want and will forewarn you about the likely angle of the story before going to print. They will usually feature an opposing argument or allow the other party to defend themselves in the interest of fairness so be aware of that.

      The other thing that might happen is nothing. Be prepared for all your courage to not really effect any change. Whistleblowers are great sources of information and can tell a journalist where to dig; they are essential to the job. But. The usual response you get when you pose the accusation is bland denial. Without evidence, or confession, you can’t really go to print on the word of an anonymous person.

        1. Gaia*

          It’s not only unethical, it is a career death sentence. The journalist would never get another confidential source.

    4. Anon Librarian*

      Just get everything in writing. The comments here are encouraging, but the truth is that there are a lot of unknowns here. Ask them to email you info on how your annonymity will be protected. That will probably make them more likely to keep their word, and you’ll at least have evidence if something goes wrong.

      1. ThatGirl*

        If the whistleblower is only on background, they will likely not need to have their identity revealed to anyone, maaaaybe the reporter’s editor. There would be no need to do anything else, the reporter is just doing research. If you were going to be quoted anonymously that might be a different story, but the fact remains that journos are not likely to burn sources, it would ruin their career. Reporters have even gone to jail rather than reveal sources.

  3. Kate R. Pillar*

    Small PSA for anyone for whom the recommended book link says that “title is not currently available for purchase” for the Kindle edition:
    You might not be in the US. Simply change the “.com” in the link to your local Amazon (“.de” for me), it will take you to your version of the page.

  4. Feliz*

    Major life changes and spouses/partners – what do you do? How do you resolve different priorities/dreams?

    My husband is seriously considering my dream of buying a little farm – but it’s not his dream. We’ve been together 18yrs (no kids) and we took the plunge 2yrs ago to move out of a big city to a small city 1.5yrs away – this was due to me getting a really good job in small city. It’s been a great move – took a while to make friends here, but now we have a lovely group, plus we see our big city friends sometimes. He has a good job that he enjoys. It’s a great lifestyle – hardly any traffic, everything is close, we can bike on a cycle path into the city centre/to nice cafes etc.

    However, I have a horse. Options for keeping my horse have, surprisingly, been much worse here than in big city. I have always wanted to have a little farm and here we can have one within 20min drive of work, 10min to town/supermarkets etc, 10-15-20min drive to our friends.

    We’ve looked at a few places and there’s one place that’s pretty close to perfect – lovely modern home, enough land for my horse, set up so that it’s as easy care as it can be. We both know that it’s going to be a steep learning curve, lots of work and will have unexpected expenses (which will be ok, we are financially secure).

    I’m excited but also scared – it’s a huge change. But if we don’t do it now, we might never do it.

    My husband is willing to go along but it’s not what he’d choose. I don’t want to put masses of pressure on him . . . but I also know that he gets quite comfortable and doesn’t love change. Once we make changes then he’s always been happy and said it was the right decision – so far. I’d just hate to push him into this and for him to not like it and end up resenting it. (We’re talking about it lots and this is all stuff we’ve discussed)

    So any and all thoughts welcome!

    1. Kate R. Pillar*

      Your husband knows the disadvantages (for him) compared to the current lifestyle you lead, and is still willing to take the plunge. From my perspective, this sounds already huge.
      So can you pinpoint further (not for us, for yourself) what is the niggling doubt in the back of your head?
      Are you afraid he’s not voicing all his concerns and will resent the change even while outwardly going along?
      Are you afraid you yourself will not like your “dream life” as much as you envisioned and will feel guilty for (somewhat) uprooting him again?
      Is it just that it feels unbalanced to you that you will have been the driver behind both major changes in your life in recent years?

    2. Lizabeth*

      Keep in mind that having your horse on your property ties you down as far as vacations etc because you have to find someone to care for the animal while you’re gone. If you and your husband like to take frequent trips, this might not work. And don’t forget the physical upkeep of the place, particularly mowing, fencing etc…is he onboard with that?

    3. WS*

      I guess the question is what would he choose? What parts of it are going to be different? Does choosing the small farm rule out something that he would want?

      1. Emma*

        This. Is there any way to this and make sure he gets other things he wants in life? Or does he want to go back to the big city?

    4. Lora*

      Well, you already have a horse so presumably you know the shoveling part… people are often surprised that about 40% of farming is shoveling. 40% is construction and repairs, usually fences and temporary buildings like hoop houses or summer grazing shelters or chicken coops. The other 20% is what they think of as farming – tending crops.

      How much acreage are we talking about? Tractors cost a LOT. Much more than a luxury car. They are not trivial to upkeep. What would you do with the acreage, manage it as pasture? Grow vegetables? Get some friends for the horse?

      Seconding also the comment about it’s hard to get help. I have a lady who has her own horses, who takes care of my animals when I have to travel. It’s super expensive. There’s definitely many weekends where I don’t go anywhere because I have to muck out the barn, do a repair, build a new fence section.

      I mostly struggle with getting people to understand that while each week is not a ton of work (perhaps two hours per day – people spend more time watching TV), it has to be done exactly on time. It can’t be put off because work is busy. I can’t just not do it because I’m sick. It must be done then, and while it’s not necessarily hard it’s still a skill that not anyone can do, especially without training. If there’s an event that happens to fall on a day when the weather is right for planting every year, then I will never go to the event. I power through a LOT of illnesses and injuries. I burn a lot of vacation time on this.

      The other thing you will find is that a working farm is not a petting zoo, and your friends will struggle with this notion too. I mentioned repairs and construction? Yeah, there’s about a zillion random nails and loose fence wires from both me and previous owners. And big chunks of pressure treated wood that shouldn’t be licked by toddlers, and manure, and animals that if annoyed will stomp you into next Tuesday. It’s not safe to let your kid run around unsupervised. Would you let a kid run around a construction site unsupervised? Then you gotta watch them like a hawk at my house. Some friends I just cannot have over as guests anymore because they refused to listen to me warning them and their kids got hurt bad enough to need stitches and they STILL do not really watch their kids and keep them from running around like it’s a playground. That’s aside from ruining a year’s worth of crops, which was personally annoying but otherwise just money…and how would they feel if I trashed half their groceries every week? Probably they’d figure I was the worst a-hole ever, but it won’t dawn on them that this is exactly what they did to me. It just doesn’t register in their brains somehow.

      I do not have horses; I have cashmere, mohair and dairy goats, chickens (laying and meat), a lot of vegetables and an orchard with apples, pears, peaches, blackberries, raspberries and pawpaws, and bees for the orchard. Other than luxury yarn I sell at little fairs and farmers markets, I make cheese and give my friends and family a lot of zucchini and fruit. It’s a small hobby farm of only a few acres that is manageable with a small tractor. It’s still a lot – this weekend I need to do fence and barn repairs… AGAIN, because goats are wily creatures that figure out how gate latches work and like to climb and stomp on the whole universe. I don’t get to go to my friend’s birthday party, I get to muck out the chicken coop and put down fresh shavings. I like it, it’s very peaceful, but wow is it a lot of shoveling and baling twine collections.

      1. The curator*

        Thank you for sharing. I’m that ignorant city girl friend who thinks you live on a petting farm. I did have to be warned that kissing a goat on their nose is a bad idea. On the other had, as a former public librarian unsupervised aka “ free range” children are my living nightmare.

        1. MissDisplaced*

          +This
          My friend lives on what we’d call a farmette. 3 horses, pasture, creek, outbuildings and a 150 year old stone house they renovated. Beautiful.
          But it’s a lot of work!
          The have jobs where they work at home, but when they travel they have to hire people to care for the property. There us also the consideration of continuing this work as you grow older and may not be able to physically do yourself. If you’re financially secure hiring a groundskeeper may not be an issue, but I’d still factor that expense in.

      2. Lora*

        Also: look up Attractive Nuisance laws in your area. The other big problem I have is trespassing. Because people WILL just want to pet/feed the cute horsie. The problem is, they want to feed the cute horsie buttercups…and entire bags of apples…and hemlock and Jimson weed. And they will NOT get it that they are hurting the cute horsie and giving you a $10,000 vet bill. They just stare at you blankly. “But he likes it! See, he’s fine!” Yes, it takes a while for symptoms to set in…

        I get a lot of trespassers who want to pet and feed the goats all kinds of stuff that’s bad for them, and then the idiots who are very confident in their animal wrangling skills, open the gate so Junior can get a cute Instagram picture with the baby goats…and the entire herd promptly stampedes, both to protect the babies from strangers and because hey, the neighbor’s landscaping looks delicious. Of course the trespassers can’t get the goats back in the pen, they run back to their car and drive away, and the police and animal control have to be called to round up the goats and I get a fine from animal control for their service. I installed security cameras and even that was an ordeal because many security camera companies keep the data in their cloud and won’t let you download it to submit as court evidence. I also have a form letter from my lawyer to send to the trespassers explaining that they will be charged with trespassing and can be taken to court for damages, which are invariably only a fraction of the actual damages because “how was I supposed to know? It was an honest mistake!” I have 6 foot stockade fencing and two dogs, which help somewhat but not completely. But I am fortunate in this regard because my area has strict Right To Farm laws and none of this “trespassers getting stomped is your fault despite secure fencing” crap that other states have, where YOU can be held liable for their own injuries and stuff from their trespassing foolishness.

        In other states I also had annual problems with hunters trespassing, many of them drunk and shooting at anything, including humans wearing orange. I have not-fond memories of bullets whizzing terrifyingly close to me even while I was screaming “what the fk there’s people here!” only to find a drunk dimwit in plaid flannel in the back field mumbling about “just dialing in my sights…” IN MY DAMN FIELD. No kindly requesting permission to cut through, just show up wherever with a case of beer and start firing at anything that moves. Snowmobiling and ATVs cutting through fields and actually cutting apart fences I built so they could go wherever they please, then the animals getting out and coyotes getting in. It got to the point of not just stockade fencing but low rock walls with short pieces of rebar stuck in and held in place with quik-crete, because the local police didn’t enforce trespassing laws, and a flat-tired ATV or snowmobile with busted treads was the only thing that convinced the yahoos to stay off my property and quit cutting down my fences.

        1. Pippa K*

          CUTTING a FENCE?? With no-trespassing signs? To hunt someone else’s LAND? Or snowmobile on it?

          No joke, that is the kind of thing that can get you shot in the rural US west (my part, anyway). Leaving a closed gate open is a mortal sin. Cutting a fence is … I’m going to need to take some deep breaths.

          1. Lora*

            Oh boy, the gates closing…and barn door closing… that’s another maddening one, where some people just aren’t allowed to visit anymore.

        2. Notthemomma*

          Lora, I have never bonded with someone from afar as I did when reading this post. YES TO EVERYTHING YOU SAID!!!!
          Plus people cutting down the evergreens in the shelter belt because they want a Christmas tree….I took to spraying Fox urine on all of ours …. or dumping the unwanted pets to ‘be free’ only for them to die a slow death from starvation, injury, or predators. The time spent cleaning up after fireworks set off on the country roads and fixing fence/tracking livestock scared by fireworks.

          1. Lora--fiber goats*

            OMG the unwanted pets. I did get a fantastic bunch of barn cats out of a pregnant female, but otherwise yeah, it’s just Unwanted Pet Central. One of my friends works at a rescue and helps find them homes (usually cats) but it’s still a lot.

            1. AnonEMoose*

              I grew up on a family farm. I personally think there should be a special circle of Hell for people who dump animals…the poor things were so confused and scared. We did what we could for them…mostly, the cats just joined the barn cat colony. Dogs – usually we found a home for them.

              My parents raised pigs. Pigs are also incredibly smart and good at figuring out the weak points in fences…and they can move a lot faster on those four little trotters than most people think.

              One thing my father taught me that has stood me in good stead in life: Respect for machinery. NEVER FORGET that a tractor, or a mower, or any other tool or machine used on a farm can hurt you…badly…or worse, if you are careless with it. Every year, growing up, there would be stories on the local radio station about someone badly injured or killed in an accident involving farm machinery.

              Farming is dangerous, more so than most people realize. And do yourself a favor and make sure your tetanus jabs are up to date, especially when there’s a horse around. My DH and I are conscientious about that because we volunteer at the local Renaissance Festival, which has horses, along with fences in not-great states of repair, which means nails sticking up, and so on.

              1. Dusty Bunny*

                Yes! Farming is dangerous, and respect the machinery. Lessons this farm girl also had drilled into her head growing up. And so many “city kid” friends could not understand why we couldn’t play wherever we wanted in the barn.

        3. Adlib*

          Wow, this is basically what happens to my parents. They have a small hobby farm that takes up like 5 acres of their entire 34.5 acre area, but the hunters and trespassers are insane even in the country. Part of the fencing for the donkeys backs up to the next door country church/cemetery. I sympathize with you, Lora. I don’t live there, but I often farm-sit for them when they travel, and it’s a lot of work! And again, people are nuts. It can’t be said enough.

      3. Aurora Leigh*

        I want to be you! I raised goats with my parents until I moved out and would love to get back to a more rural life. For now, we have chickens!

        Really fascinated about fiber goats and how you sell the fiber, but I don’t want to derail this thread.

      4. Texan In Exile*

        My mom grew up on a dairy farm in northern Wisconsin. My grandparents took two away vacations their entire working lives.

        BTW – none of the seven kids wanted to buy the farm when my grandparents retired. They knew how much work it was.

        1. Sleepless*

          Isn’t that the truth! I grew up on a dairy farm. We were able to take a yearly 4 day vacation only because my dad had a business partner. We sold the last of our family’s land last year. We miss the land, but nobody wanted to farm it. I read all this stuff that laments “the death of the family farm” and I think, nobody’s stopping you, go buy a farm. Some of us have been there and done that.

        2. lifesempossible*

          My two uncles took over the family dairy farm. One manages the fields and the other manages the milking. They get to take a couple vacations per year because one lives on the property, the other adjacent to it. They are both familiar with each other’s roles and have their own ‘staff,’ so to speak.

          The grandparents were just like your parents — only took a couple vacations during all their working years. It is definitely easier to have a business partner to manage so you can get away!

      5. Elizabeth West*

        +100
        After living on a small farm with a partner and numerous animals for four years, it surprised me to realize how much work I’d been doing once I was no longer doing it. I was like, “No wonder I was so tired all the time!”

      6. CastIrony*

        That tractor upkeep part hit me.
        My dad works on a ranch, and the owner never wants to replace the very old farm machines (swathers, tractors, etc.). So, they break down quite a bit as my Dad wants a John Deere tractor.

    5. Bibliovore*

      There is no right or wrong here. I am an urban person. Been one my whole life. Never learned to drive. I got my energy from being surrounded by people, big city energy, yadyada. I had a great prestigious job. We had what would have been considered a great apt. In a cool neighborhood. I thought that was our life forever. The husband not so much.
      In service to my marriage we moved from big city to medium sized Midwest town. He took to it like a duck to water. Me. Not so much right away. 6 years later, I find it hard to believe we lived anywhere else. I learned to drive, live in a house, and bloom where I am planted. We are adaptable.
      I am thinking if the horse is part of your life, you will make choices together and if the farm doesn’t work out, you will only know by trying. The key is that neither of you are secretly filling resentment baskets. Talk about your anxieties and fears together.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Is your husband handy and willing to learn new things? Are YOU also handy and willing to learn new things? My uncle was fond of saying, “It takes both people putting in 100%.”

      We don’t have a farm and our lot is tiny. So I will just use the tractor story as a guide for envisioning other circumstances. We bought a modest used tractor. Here’s the scary part, he let ME pick it out as he had NO experience with tractors and I once worked for a place that sold tractors. (Try not to think about the logic going on here. It takes whatever resources a couple can muster up, even HUMBLE resources.) He did listen to the engine and check the fluids before we paid for it. My husband was a geek and he loved to drive ANYTHING. I knew he would adapt to the tractor quickly and he did. We use the tractor for grass, leaves and snow, so we are pretty dependent on this machine and it was critical that my husband get to like it/be interested in it.
      Time pasted and he picked out the second tractor. We talked about features and he made a little grocery list of features. Then he found one. The second one he got right into, he redid the hydraulics and the electrical on it.
      Both machines we picked up used but we got them from an excellent small dealership who had no problem letting my husband copy the tech manuals. You see how the stars are getting into alignment here, my techie guy had tech manuals for this much needed machine.
      The story has many different threads, not the least of which was costs. We bought old, used equipment. Our second tractor was originally $12K. To get that tractor and attachments we wanted we spent $5400. I thought we did well considering. Then my husband handled the maintenance work which meant we saved more money on this beast.

      What is key here is the spouse’s willingness to jump right in using their natural skills and gifts to benefit the two of you and your new home. My contribution to the tractor story was watching costs and figuring out how we would get the most use out of the machine. If the spouse is a non-participating spouse (saying that as gently as possible) then the dream falls apart. I’d am a fan of “Know Your Partner”. Like you are saying I knew my guy would get into the swing of home ownership after a bit. I knew in the long run he would be glad we bought this house with the tractor and he would eventually learn about dogs. It took a bit for us to reach this happy place in our minds. I knew my husband had skills that dovetailed well with my skills and as a couple we could cover a lot of things that would come up.
      In short, do you think you stand a reasonable chance as a couple of making this new place work out well for you? For me, I could see the vision in my head. At least one partner has to have a clear idea of where the two of you are going . I could see us living here with our new dog.
      And it really helps if partners have different skills they bring to the table. I remember my techie husband trying to put in a new lawn with me. He wanted to dig a hole 3 inches deep and put the grass seed in the hole. NOOOOOO. Fortunately, I had put in new lawns before and we did not kill that one hundred dollars worth of grass seed. It took both of us putting our best effort into everything.

    7. fposte*

      To be more specific about what others are saying, is the land and animal care going to be yours alone? Do you have the ability to hire/arrange non-husband services or backup for all the work to make sure it stays that way, if so? What will the labor hours mean for your time together–if you’re spending six hours mowing on a weekend when formerly you’d have hung out with him, will that be okay? If you’ve had a long day of post-hole digging and you come in to find he’s been sitting doing sudoku all day, will that be okay with you?

      I don’t think this is necessarily a mistake, and I think it’s fine for people to have a life that’s okay with one person and the dream of another. If you have finances that allow you to take off some of the direct labor, that will help a lot (though of course that adds a layer of admin). I’m just tossing out some things that you should both be thoughtful about when making this decision.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I thought of another category to be explicit about: what are your expectations of your husband in the times when he’s home alone? What do you expect him to notice/take action on when it comes to a loose horse, an injured horse, or a farrier who turns up a day early if you’re not there?

        1. voyager1*

          This is really good. I don’t know anything about horses. I would be so hosed in this situation without specific instructions of what to do if something happened to the horse.

          But it sounds like the husband is pretty open to all of this.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I think all kinds of answers on this could be okay–what you want to avoid is having conflicting unstated assumptions.

    8. foolofgrace*

      Consider resale value. If you want/need to get rid of it, how difficult will that be, and is all of your money tied up in it?

    9. Mimosa Jones*

      I can’t offer anything helpful about getting a farm, but feelings-wise, your husband can hate the farm and be miserable without those feelings turning into resentment. It seems like that’s a common fear, that negative feelings will turn into resentment that will destroy the relationship. And it’s valid, but it’s not a foregone conclusion.

    10. Lizabeth*

      Also a thought about buying farm equipment, auctions are a good way to get equipment BUT you need to know what you’re looking at. A friend of mine bought a zero turn mowing machine and thought he got a deal. He didn’t for one BIG reason, he bought it in the fall when the landscapers are dumping their equipment that they ran into the ground from spring to fall. Needless to say the engine blew the following spring and was only good for parts after that. And no, he didn’t recoup his costs.

      1. Squeakr321*

        Why a farm and not just a house with a barn? If the issue is course caring boarding, why not just start with the house with some land and a barn and see if you enjoy it enough to consider farming in the future.

        2. I don’t post often*

          I wondered the same thing. What some refer to as a “small farm” is a few acres with barn, fence, and house.

          We lived on 2.5 acres that was zoned for horses but no other live stock. Neighbors had horses. They had a small barn and a fence. I can’t speak to what work they did for maintaince, but they did need a truck to haul hay, a mowers for the yard. (By mower I mean a stout riding lawn mower. Not nessecarily a zero turn. That doesn’t work well on hills.). But there were no vegetables or other animals so it was just the upkeep of 2+ acres, barn and fence.

          My point here is others in this thread have talked a lot about different types of animals, fencing, fields, and gardens. And possibly you do want that? Or possibly you want a larger than normal yard with a barn and a fence.

          I will say, to mow 2.5 acres you are looking at 2-4 hours depending on you and your mower + weed eating (weed whacking). Just think about what you enjoy doing. I love to mow.

    11. Koala dreams*

      Look into the local regulations for keeping animals. Where I live (outside the US), you need to have at least two cows or horses, you can’t have just one horse or one cow, or even one of each. They need to live with a cohabitant of the same species. So check if there are any special rules for where you want to live.

    12. Ethyl*

      When my spouse and I (together going on 20 years) were trying to figure out a Big Life Change (grad school for him), we talked to a couples counselor for a few sessions. It helped immensely, especially since our conversations and feelings had kind of gotten stuck in a loop, y’know? Could be worth a try?

  5. Tartini’s Thrilling Trills*

    I am having a midlife crisis. (Unsure if this is work-related or not. It’s life-related, for sure.)

    I can only find fulfillment in my hobbies and I don’t know how to be okay with this. I know it is because my brain is biologically wired that way (I am neurodivergent) and I don’t know why I feel…guilty?

    1. Alex*

      You find fulfillment in your hobbies? That is great success! You found something that fulfills you!

      I guess I’m not sure what you think you should be finding fulfillment in. But regardless, if you found something…that’s great! It doesn’t matter what it is (as long as it’s not, like, murdering people).

      I have yet to find fulfillment in anything, so, you’re a step ahead.

      1. Tartini’s Thrilling Trills*

        It’s because we were told that we’re supposed to find not just fulfilling relationships, but also fulfilling careers, fulfilling hobbies— and so far, that’s not what reality is shaping up to be, but I think it’s okay. I think we’d live better lives if we’re grateful about something everyday.

    2. Courageous cat*

      Well, I have exactly zero fulfilling hobbies myself, so I think I’d much rather be in your position! I guess it depends on whether you mean you can’t find fulfillment in other people, relationships, etc?

      1. Tartini’s Thrilling Trills*

        Yes.

        I cannot find fulfillment in all aspects of my life except my hobbies.

        My relationships failed because I felt controlled in all of them. It doesn’t matter if it’s male or female. It’s more pronounced if it’s male.

        1. TechWorker*

          Do consider the possibility that this isn’t a failure to feel fulfilled in your part but dating people who were controlling. Every relationship varies (and sometimes you can end up feeling controlled even if the other person isn’t really doing anything ‘wrong’) – but it’s definitely possible to have a relationship where you have time to focus on yourself (eg folk who have been married years but don’t live together and see each other a couple of times a week and holidays.. it happens!). Also I’m not in the community so I don’t know if this is terrible advice, but you could consider dating someone poly, if that’s your bag. I imagine (your partner) having multiple relationships would mean they’re used to the concept of not owning all of your time and energy. (Not that monogamous relationships are always like that, but if they get towards that it might contribute towards the feeling of being controlled?).

          1. Tartini’s Thrilling Trills*

            This is a good insight.

            I haven’t thought of it before.

            Now, I wonder.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I hope you smile, my friend and I have a running joke, do not take Hobby and start earning a living doing Hobby. All enjoyment of the Hobby will die.

      As long as your job is not hurting you, physically, emotionally or financially, this means you are in a fairly safe spot, generally speaking.

      Just my guess but I think many people get nothing out of their jobs. Each day is not more than a hamster wheel. Gotta eat, therefore gotta go to work.

      A few suggestions:
      1) Reframe the role of a job in your life. It’s not the sum total of life and it’s one aspect of who you are and what you do but it’s not the whole you. Jobs are not everything that we think they should be. This is a good thing to tell yourself.
      2) Line up a couple goals. Keep the goals doable but enough challenge to keep you interested and involved. Put the steps to completing those goals on a calendar for yourself if need be. When you complete one goal, create a new one to replace it. You know how there’s always goals and deadlines at work? This has potential applications in life , also. A person who does not have goals can seriously flounder sometimes.
      3)Keep a gratitude journal. Try to write down things that you are grateful for. Sometimes emptiness sets in when we forget how far we have come and what we do have. I keep a journal by my bed because some times I have to remind myself.
      4) Use the dullness of the present to plan your future. How are you set for the years and decades to come? One thing I looked at was the question, “Can I age in place?” How hard is it going to be for Elderly Me to handle my home?

      Not everything fulfills us. Ask someone taking care of a seriously ill, elderly parent. It’s easier just to go bang our heads on a brick wall, the wall is less painful. OTH, some folks view their jobs as a necessity in order to do Hobby or in order to have the life style they want.
      It’s fine to feel unfulfilled as that is a legit emotion that comes for a reason or several. What to do about it is to figure out what more you would like to add to your life. Instead of squelching the feeling, start looking around and see what makes you forget about that feeling because you have found something that fills your mind and your life.

      1. Ewpp*

        Good and helpful. Dating, every guy does seem to ask in reference to your no. 1, but ‘do you love your job or career’? With an expected yes. It is exhausting.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Read up on it – I believe there are some recent good posts (WSJ, maybe ?) that “loving” your job is not always necessary. I think the capacity to have joy from “some”part of your life, is what is important. Frankly, more important (having been depressed in the past) to be able to find any joy or some significant joy in some part of my life, than a specific expectation for what facet of my life that joy had to be in.

          That being said, I love parts of my job very much because I have decided to, if that makes sense. Like any relationship, it is effort and attitude. So I choose to see what part of my relationship with my mom give me joy (caretaking, no… but there is some joy in spending these last precious years with her). Similarly, the work I do can bring me joy in various ways… using my brain to problem solve. Having (and focusing on ) the stability I need financially and emotionally. Finding some joy in making the world a better place, through what I do. And joy in achieving my goals and becoming more resilient.

          It may well be a stretch to ever say I ‘Love” my job. But it is not a stretch to say that I am trying to learn peace and contentment, regardless of the world around me. So I love the opportunities I have.

          Took me a long time to get here, though.

          1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

            Realize what I was trying to say is – I don’t think it’s necessary to even have to answer “do you love your job.” That’s an implicit assumption that you should, maybe? And I’d question that assumption… that’s what the rest of my response was trying to say.

        1. Gaia*

          I mean, that’s amazing in itself! Plenty of people don’t even have hobbies that they are fulfilled by.

          There’s this ridiculous idea that everyone else has amazing, fulfilling social lives AND careers they love AND hobbies that are fascinating. But in reality? Most of us are missing at least one of those through no “fault” of our own.

  6. Frumpasaurous*

    Hello,

    I need clothing advice. I have been concentrating on me this year a lot. And have now lost 3 stone or 19kg or 42lbs. Which is awesome. But a lot of my clothes don’t fit right or are just so big. I’m annoyigly between sizes so one size just looks unflattering and big but the next size down is just a bit too small. Like I button the jeans but it pulls and is tight they are not comfortable at all.

    Also I really like some of my clothes that just aren’t flattering now. I also plan on losing more weight as I continue getting healthier.

    Has anyone else lost a lot of weight and had clothes issue? What did you do? I don’t know if its worth having my clothes taken in when I am still losing weight but I also don’t like my clothes being super super baggy. Do I have to except I am going to look like a frumpasaurous for a while or anybody have any suggestions? Preferably not super expensive.

    I am in the UK in case that affects suggestions.

    1. Kuododi*

      At times like what you’re describing…I have found a relationship with a good tailor to be worth it’s weight in gold. I’ve used both professional tailors as well as talented friends and family. Depending on how much I needed to have resized, the $$$ was typically quite reasonable. ($20-50 ish dollars). My friends and family were even more reasonable. With them I could barter for what I needed. (Tailoring in exchange for typing a paper, babysitting or homemade baked goods as example.). Best wishes for the future.

    2. hazy days*

      There will be stores that fit and flatter your body as it is now, but they won’t necessarily be the same ones that you’re used to going to.
      I’d suggest going to a major department store with a friend and trying on a whole range of clothes from different brands till you find what works now, which may be unexpected.
      You could try going to John Lewis and getting their personal shopper to do the selecting and running round for you. Better to have a couple of good items that you ring the changes with, than plenty of things that don’t really fit.

      I think that in the U.K., you’ll find it cheaper and easier to buy new than to have tailored, depending on your tastes.

    3. Jane*

      I second tailoring, but for items I’ve absolutely *loved* I’ve also stalked eBay to re-buy them in new sizes. I’m really picky with clothes and it’s been so helpful to do that, though you need to be careful about condition. It’s also easier with smaller brands – I have a lot of success with Hobbs, for instance, but imagine searching for black M&S dress would have an overwhelming number of results.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      Try shopping resale sites to pick up new to you pieces that will fit you now. Wearing ill fitting items can be a bit discouraging. Best wishes on your goals!

      1. SigneL*

        Yes, resale stores. Or you could get one or two pairs of pants tailored and just accept that your shirts will be baggy for a while. Do you have a friend you could trade a few pieces with?

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I also vote tailor. As well, a lot of larger department stores have personal shoppers who know the clothes and the brands and can help you pick out new things!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I lost six sizes.

      Financially it was not practical to buy clothes for every size. I bought clothes that were a looser type fit. I actually prefer a tailored fit type of look so this was a little challenging for me. I ended up buying every other size.

      A certain few items that I was very fond of, I actually paid someone to take them in for me. The way I found someone to do this cost effectively was to ask friends. One friend’s mother said she would be happy to do it. She got pocket money out of the deal and I got to wear my clothes a bit longer.

      I also stretched a few pennies by using old tee shirts for pajama tops and old sweat pants for pajama bottoms. Some items became house clothes or yard-work clothes.

      If I had to do it now, I would totally get on-board with consignment shops. And I would boldly bring back the stuff that was no longer fitting me but in sale-able condition.

      Going in a different direction, I had a family member who used to be part of a circle of friends who worked with a 30 gal garbage bag filled with clothes. When your turn came to get the bag, you took what you could use, put in some of your own that you could not use and you passed the bag to the next person in the circle. The bag came back around every 8-10 months or so and by the time you got it again, the items were totally different.

    7. Traffic_Spiral*

      Oxfam, baby – youtube.com/watch?v=maJIdcHBdyo

      also if you’re a woman, look into dresses that can be paired with belts (cinch round the waist or right under the boobs, depending on what looks better on you).

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      May not help the suggestions. But I lost 9 dress sizes. Consignment and thrift stores. And I didn’t wear jeans for a long time, because they just didn’t flex enough to stretch up, or hang well when too big. I also had to switch brands to ones that had about 4% spandex. I wore a lot of dresses (cinch belts), loose cardigans instead of blazers, leggings with long tunics. And baggy sweaters were/ are a look.

      And my mom does tailoring … I can do simple darts. I even use (shudder) safety pins in a pinch, because a heavy cell phone in a pocket can drag those pants down so fast… I needed to nip them in at the waist “that morning.”

      We also have a group that got together and swapped clothes.

    9. Kim, No Longer Esq.*

      My weight fluctuates a lot, and I’ve mostly found success with fast fashion; stuff like ASOS, Rue 21, Forever 21, etc. There’s enough variety out there that you can find one or two pieces (maybe dresses or jumpsuits) that fit your body pretty well, even being between sizes. And having just one or two things you can wear and feel great in is such a great feeling when you’re trying to stay motivated to lose weight.

      1. Kimmybear*

        I was going to say this. I’ve lost a similar amount of weight this year and I try the “trendy” but not too young for me shops like Old Navy, H&M to find things that fit now but will be cheap enough that I can replace. Also consignment and thrift stores and outlets. Right now I can pull my jeans down over my hips but with a belt and long enough top, they work until I can go down two jeans sizes.

    10. Sopranistin*

      That is a significant amount of weight, probably several sizes. I don’t think a tailor would be your best option, as they’d need to restructure the whole garment. I would only take a few favorite items to a tailor, once your weight has stabilized.
      I lost 20 pounds, down about 3 dress sizes. About 10 pounds down, I had to buy smaller clothes. Mainly pants. I bought a few basics at thrift stores and discount stores that I could wear for a short period until I needed another size. Like black pants, jeans, structured tops.
      Many of my other clothes fit me through the weight loss – cardigans, blouses just fit more blousy, dresses can be belted.
      Just because you’re in between sizes in one brand, doesn’t mean you can’t find clothes that fit well. Every brand of clothing fits differently. I have clothes that range from a size 2-8 in my closet. You’ll just need to spend some time trying on various styles and sizes to find what works.

      1. Frumpasaurous*

        Yeah It seems to be about 3.5-4 sizes at the moment that I am down

        Cinching dresses works but the problem as well is that I previously really loved long tops and tunics and flowy clothes. I still do. But those clothes now even with a belt make me look bigger than I am or just hang like tents on me. Luckily I dont have to wear suits for work since I work in a relaxed field. My nice interview suits look like I was playing dress up in someone elses closet when I tried them on. I found something else to wear (and got the job!) but yeah. Having already big tops before the weightloss means they are even bigger.

        I hadn’t considered the brand aspect though. I did wear different sizes at different stores before but havent really tried more than a few stores now.

        I think a big issue is figuring out what I should be buying now. The only things I have bought clothes wise since I started losing weight so far is 2 pairs of workout capris. And some socks but that was because I needed more socks.. It feels weird to buy when I know I might not fit it in a few months but at the same time I am getting tired of drowning in my clothes. Plus I want to feel pretty in my clothes. But spending a lot to feel pretty now when it will be big later doesnt seem worth it.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Yeah, what I found was that even 4 sizes down, I was only half way. So I didn’t “invest” in a lot, but I bought inexpensive and thrift items. 2 or 3 $4 clearance t-shirts at Target, under the baggy cardigan, stretches the wardrobe a lot. Pull out your scarves, cardigans, belts – the things that you can make work still. Do your shoes still fit? (Mine did not). If you can, buy inexpensive pants with the spandex that do fit. I think I hit the JC Penny’s and Macy’s deep clearance racks and didn’t pay over $15 a pair for pants… and got 3 new pairs of pants and work-appropriate leggings that fit. (Go for a little snug if you are going to keep losing weight, and I found pants with spandex “stretched” a bit once I wore them). I got 5 t-shirts/ tanks in various colors (about $5-10 each) for under button fronts or cardigans. And one smaller size cardigan (in black, but then… black is my color. ).
          I then combined in all my existing scarves, jewelry, belts, and wore the baggy cardigans over. This got me through to the next 2 sizes + down.
          I threw in a couple dresses ($15 at Marshalls).

          I needed to feel “better” about all the progress I’ve made. 3.5-4 sizes is enough that you should celebrate some. I found that a few thrift or sale pieces opened up the world to me. I could be proud of what I was doing… your user name is not true. You are not frumpy. You are doing an amazing thing…if there is any way to swing even a pair of pants and a couple t-shirts each pay day, to bring some color and fit into your life… it would help you recognize and acknowledge this success.

          Go for it.

    11. Old Biddy*

      My weight has fluctuated during my adult life, and I carry a lot of it in my midsection. I usually have a few pairs of smaller pants lying around. On the way down, I’ll make do with those and just wear the same tops. The last cycle I didn’t buy many new clothes because I’ve gotten to the age where I really don’t care and still had lots of older stuff.
      You could pick up one or two pairs of basic pants until your weight settles. Skirts with elastic waists are also good if you wear them, as are cardigans with basic sleeveless tops.
      When your weight has settled and it becomes a lot harder to lose, buy some new clothes or get your favorites tailored. This will probably be your setpoint for a while, so don’t get anything that’s tight with the assumption that you’ll lose more weight.

    12. thatoneoverthere*

      There are a lot of youtube videos out there on how to take in pants and shirts. If you or a friend has a sewing machine. Most shirts are actually pretty easy to take in (depending on the style and fabric of course). Watch a ton of videos and read tutorials. I did this when, I lost 30lbs and it saved me a ton of money.

  7. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Sorry for not being here last week, I had a busy weekend. Also, I wish the plot bunnies would stop multiplying like…Well, bunnies.

    1. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

      I love the “plot bunnies” image and I’d love to hear how do you deal with them! I’m having the same problem right now: the story I’m working is way over the limit of what can fit in one book, and I realized I could probably turn it into a saga of some sort. So, on the one hand, the plot bunnies are very welcome to multiply, since they help me give more flesh to the story. On the other hand, I’m afraid of getting myself into something too big for me: I’m a beginner, I “studied” writing but I write for myself, thinking that I will publish one day when the stars align… What should I do? How can one understand if some side events are adding to the plot or they are just rambling?

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I usually write down the gist of them (have a notebook on me at all times) and even if I don’t end up using them in the context they originally came to me, they can help when I’m stuck on another project.
        As for the side events…Try to figure out what they add to the story. Do they tell you something about the characters or the world? Do they impact the main plot in some way?
        For example: say you’re writing a detective novel. Obviously, the main plot has Detective McInvestigate trying to figure out who committed the crime. As a side event, you can have McInvestigate try speeddating on their day off because they’re single and looking for a partner. Now you have a perfect chance to teach the reader more about McInvestigate other than “bites into a case like a bloodhound”. Maybe they’re very charming…Or maybe they’re socially awkward. Alternatively, maybe one of the speeddates ends up being a suspect or a witness – cue at least some awkwardness in the main plot. Maybe one of the speeddates happens to be the crook and maybe McInvestigate actually really liked them – how would that affect the main plot?
        I’ll link a Jenna Moreci video on the topic below, she has a great way of explaining things (at least to me).

          1. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

            ooooh my, a million thanks for this rabbit hole!!!

            *plunges in the videos like Scrooge McDuck*

            1. A.N. O'Nyme*

              Another good rabbit hole to go into is Ellen Brock – she’s an editor who also does youtube videos :)

        2. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

          Thanks for the thorough answer! My problem is that I found out along the way that many characters needed more space, so many subplots involve secondary characters that are related to the main story, but are still secondary.
          To keep with your example: McInvestigate discovers that Cruella O’ Suspect is also related to a murder committed 30 yrs before, and is also a Mason, and both crimes are supporting some agenda of the Masonry. So many subplots will shed light on said agenda, even showing things that McInvestigate will never discover, and I do feel that the story would be much more superficial and cliche-y without them, but at the same time I’m afraid a reader would not care about those secondary character. I’m afraid I’m just “diluting the soup”, as we say in Italy ;)

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            If they help flesh out the story, I’d say keep them, however you still might need to, as my English teacher used to say, “Kill Your Darlings”. How many you cut/keep will probably depend on whether or not you turn it into a duology/trilogy/whatever-logy. That might sound daunting as a beginning writer, but…Well, lots of successful writers had their first books be part of a series so I wouldn’t let that deter you (although it may be a tough sell if you want to go into traditional publishing and if you do go that route it’d probably be best to have at least the sequel thought out).

    2. The Curator*

      The book came off of the press badly. The digital looked so beautiful. I don’t know the mechanics but they say they can fix it. Meeting with the editor next week. On deadline for an article. So disappointed. Writing this weekend. Trying to keep on my writers hat and lose the editor hat for now as I am feeling paralyzed by perfectionism. Trying to remember that today is the get it down on paper day. Write, don’t revise. Will put book link in the next comment

        1. IT Squirrel*

          Much as I love the phrasing “an intentionally recognized archive of rare books” in your book blurb – did you mean “internationally” there?

      2. fposte*

        Oh, no. Paper really is so different from digital; it’s a whole nother world. However, the printing people are often pretty wizardly, so give them a chance to do their magic.

      3. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oof, that sucks. Still, paper and digital can be very different, so I’d say let them work their magic.
        I’ve mentioned this before but for me writing by hand helps me keep on my writer hat instead of the editor hat – i get rid of that need to immediately erase and rewrite a dumb sentence.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I feel the need to barf out another book (other than Book 3 of my trilogy). Have several ideas kicking around but haven’t settled on one yet. I’m having a great deal of trouble concentrating right now.

    5. Claire*

      On Thursday, I had a long productive talk with my editor, which led to me tossing half the existing chapters and all of the existing plot notes. That was so freeing! I’m now unstuck and the new plot is unfolding almost as fast as I can write it.

      And another huge moment of squee: I will be a guest at Comicon this October. One panel, and one book signing.

      1. Troutwaxer*

        I’m learning a similar lesson right now. Just write it down and trust that my subconscious has got the plot and characterization wired.

      2. Troutwaxer*

        BTW, I completely dropped the book you read part of and am letting that sit for as long as necessary. The current one is a fantasy about what happens when the Orcs move upmarket. I’ve got a great first line, not quite as amazing as “I had a farm in Africa” or “The sky over the port…”* but in the same league, I think.

        *Do any of the kids these days see that image like I do?

    1. SigneL*

      BABY! Woo! Our son and his family live in CT (we are in Texas), so we don’t get to see them often. In September we are going to see the new grandbaby (born in May), so I share your excitement!

  10. LGC*

    Running thread – and I can’t believe that marathon training season has already started (quite a while ago)! Funny enough, I was talking with a guy who’s been training with us – or…err…”with” us, because he’s really fast – last week and he mentioned that Chicago was 10 weeks away then.

    I’m doing New York again this year, myself. Still hoping to smash some goals – and still trying to figure out logistics. I think I’m going to go for the poncho this year.

    And in the interim…I just signed up for two mile races! It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while – I’m doing a local mile race, and then 5th Avenue a few weeks later. It’ll be cool, hopefully. And I’m hoping I can get a little closer to my PR – I’m in decent shape, a bit less worn out, and I…you know, won’t be running a 10k beforehand (do not do this).

    1. londonedit*

      Good luck! Running a mile race is SO hard, I always get halfway round and slow down because it’s so awful!

      I’m feeling incredibly chuffed with myself after an unexpectedly fast parkrun! I’ve been doing a lot more running than I’d usually do in August (mainly because it’s not as horrendously hot as it was last year) and after a great 10-miler last Sunday my friends kept telling me I should have a go at a faster parkrun. I’d been running somewhere around 27-28 minutes over the last few weeks, and today I thought I might try to dip under 27 minutes. Well, thanks to a couple of amazing friends who wouldn’t let me slow down, I dipped under 26 minutes instead! 25:57! I can’t quite believe it. It’s my fastest time since December 2016. Annoyingly it is also only three seconds slower than my PB, but I had absolutely no idea it was that close until I’d finished (I was way too busy trying to remember to breathe to look at my watch on the way round!)

      Tomorrow I’m running 10k with my running club as part of a local event, but after this morning I’m giving myself permission to take it easy!

      1. LGC*

        Good luck! Running a mile race is SO hard, I always get halfway round and slow down because it’s so awful!

        I know the feeling. My first one I went out way too fast – like, I came through the first quarter mile in just over 60 seconds. (And by that I mean, 61 seconds.)

        I am fast, but I am not Roger Bannister. (I ran like…a 4:37, which will give you an idea of how much I slowed down.)

        Congrats on an awesome 5k, though – and nearly getting a PR in the process! Honestly, I almost think it’s better that you didn’t look at your watch (and I say this as a compulsive watch checker myself – although I am surprisingly zen about my splits most of the time). Sometimes it’s nice to be surprised!

    2. NYWeasel*

      Trying to get back into half marathon shape after losing a full year due to an injury. In the meantime work has changed (I’m way busier) and I’m now post-menopausal which has definitely affected how fast I lose endurance etc. My goal race is next April for my 50th birthday!

      1. LGC*

        Good luck! And hopefully, your road back is pretty smooth!

        I’m just wondering about something – are you running the same pace as you were before your hiatus?

        1. NYWeasel*

          I’ve always been pretty slow, so there wasn’t much room to get slower. I do have to be way more careful bc the issue was an aggravation, and can flare up again if I’m not doing all the PT exercises

          1. LGC*

            SUPER late response, but…I was actually thinking you might be going too fast! Which is probably going to sound surprising to you, but then again, speed is relative. If you’re a 30-minute 5k runner (for example), 10 minute miles are going to be fairly intense.

            To be honest, on first read, I would actually think that you lost endurance less because of your age but more because of the injury. And the good news is that should come back in a few months. The other thing I just thought of is that it just takes longer to recover as you get older. So that might also be a factor.

    3. Lady Jay*

      Wow, marathon season always sneaks up on me (my own marathon, I ran in late June, so I’m out of sync with the massive autumn marathons).

      I’m . . . taking things slow in the summer, lots of shorter (4-5 mile) runs to cope with the terrible humidity in this part of the world. But I’ve got my eye on a couple longer runs (a 10K and a 25K [that second one is a trail run]) this fall, so pretty soon I’ll need to start ramping things up.

      1. LGC*

        That sounds awesome – good luck, especially with the trail 25k!

        I’ll be honest, I’ve been coping with the summer the same way to an extent. (My area is also extremely unpleasant in the summertime.) I’m trying to get back into the swing of things now, just because August is usually less terrible and also it’s about 3 months away from NYC.

    4. TechWorker*

      I started running ~2 years ago then broke 3 toes 1.5 years ago and have had foot ligament problems ever since… I’m now back to running 5k, but still a good 2 minutes slower than I was right before I hurt my foot!

      I actually did more like 6k today due to failing to measure the route properly, and it nearly killed me :D so I’m in total awe of you marathon runners!

      1. LGC*

        Funny enough, I was actually talking about this on the long run I did this morning! I actually said something to the effect that I find 5ks difficult because it’s a tremendous effort. Which is true – to put it in perspective, I’ll average…roughly 4:10/km for a marathon (2:54 and change), and 3:50/km for a half marathon (1:19 and change). My 5k PR is 16:47, so…3:21/km.

        So, yeah, there’s a huge difference – for me, there’s almost a minute per kilometer split, although part of that is that I’m actually better at 5ks to begin with.

        1. TechWorker*

          I think my problem is I’m not very fast (I work in minutes/mile, but doing some translation I think my 5k pace hovers around 6:00/km). I’ve not yet really found a pace inbetween that and walking :D so I’ve not managed to increase the distance yet!

          1. LGC*

            (I normally work in miles myself – I just misread your post so I translated my average paces to kilometers, since I thought that’s what you were using!)

            But yeah, honestly…like, it’s surprisingly something a lot of people don’t think about, but no one is expecting you to run your 5k pace for a marathon. I mentioned my paces, and if I ran 5:24/mi (my 5k PR pace) for a marathon…I would be ramping up for the US Olympic trials instead of New York! (Okay, maybe not quite. It’d be roughly 2:21, and since I’m a guy, the qualification for trials is 2:19 for me.) And I would certainly be able to run faster than 17 minutes over 5k (I’d probably be around 14, at least).

            This also means that the pros – so, like, Eliud Kipchoge, for example – aren’t really running all-out for 26.2 miles. (So, yeah, 4:37/mi – which was his average at Berlin last year – is…not an easy jog, but it’s not an all-out sprint for him.)

    5. baconeggandcheeseplz*

      Doing my city’s hot chocolate 15k in November. I got the 12 week plan (already!?) last weekend, anddddd I have not really started the training. I tried to go for a quick jog yesterday and didn’t even run a full mile straight. Hopefully I was just having an off day!

      How do you train for a mile race?

      1. LGC*

        Well, the good news is…for a November race you’ve still got time. It’s about 12 weeks out now, in fact.

        Honestly, I’ve kind of been winging it – but I’ve been trying to do shorter and faster intervals. (So I’ll try to do 200m intervals at goal mile pace, for example.)

  11. Loopy*

    Its been quite a while since I’ve had time to post! I’ve tried and failed (the site sits open on my laptop all weekend while I run around). Anyway, I am stumped and baffled AAM friends. I decided to treat myself to a rare wardrobe refresh. I hate shopping and do it minimally but feet the need to spruce up.

    However, I went to the list of stores at the biggest shopping center in my city and….I couldn’t figure out where to start. I looked at a few websites but for professional 30-something women’s wear they all blended together to me. I don’t have the time to do lengthly sleuthing as this afternoon is my only time-slot for this in a long while. I’m looking for mostly sheath and A-line dresses that are decent quality (but good lord not dry clean only, why is this a thing I can’t avoid?!) but still not more than 50 dollars each or so. Can anyone help me figure out which of these options might be a good starting point? I dont have any unique sizing needs but am particular on it being professional style dresses and in that price range.

    Ann Taylor Factory Store
    Lane Bryant Outlet
    New York and Company Outlet
    Express Factory Outlet
    J crew/ crewcuts factory
    Loft Outlet
    Saks 5th Avenue OFF fifth
    Talbots Outlet

    This is not a mall, it’s a huge outlet area where things are not as close so I’d love to get a few to start with. Anything on the list people love/might be a good fit?

    1. Alex*

      Ann Taylor Factory and Loft Outlet usually come through for me. All my “nice” pants are from there, plus several dresses. New York and Company is probably also a good place to try, and definitely within your price range. Talbots will be a bit more expensive and tends to be extremely preppy and/or a little “older”. Lane Bryant is plus size only so that may not be what you are looking for. I find Saks too overwhelming.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve never found anything on the professional side that I like at Lane Bryant. They were my go-to for casual clothing. though. I also second Loft. I don’t have any experience with the other stores.

      3. peanut*

        I would start with Loft and Ann Taylor – these are where I started when I upgraded my professional wardrobe a few years ago. I ended up getting mostly dresses that looked great (though more in the $80-$100 range) and are still stylish.

      4. Loopy*

        Thank you! I started with Loft and I think they just were so heavy on summer styles still, we are in the south so its SO hot and the selection just didn’t match but probably due to timing! Never made it to Ann Taylor because Talbots was having a massive 20 dollar dress sale AND clearance event but I should have popped in just to see! I ended up finding so much at Talbots because of the sale I had everything I needed well under budget before even exploring further!

    2. Anona*

      It’s not on your list, but I love banana republic for this sort of thing. I just buy online and return. I bought a lot of dresses for around that price point, but it was around black Friday, and I think from their outlet online .

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        2nd Banana. About this time they start rolling out the workwear pretty hard and usually have suit dresses with matching jackets. The outlet is my first choice for price and the regular store with a sale/clearance.

      3. Loopy*

        I feel like I had one disappointing experience there years ago (selection wise) and never went back. I need to remember your comment so I can revisit. I forget how much stores can change in well over five years!

    3. Madge*

      Decent quality a-line sheaths are probably lined. The lining and the dress fabric can have different care instructions because one might be more prone to shrinking or dye loss than the other, so dry cleaning is the most reliable way to keep the dress looking good. Look for ones in a good quality ponte knit like from Lands End. Those won’t be lined and should be washable. You can also take your chances with labels that just say “dry clean” but you’re definitely taking a risk if you wash something labeled “dry clean only.”

      1. Courageous cat*

        Alternatively, I find hand washing to be much less of a pain in the ass than dry cleaning. I would do that for dry-clean-only stuff, unless it’s a particularly unusual fabric.

      2. Loopy*

        Thats good to know. The ones I got weren’t lined and thus were machine washable- they might not be as good but at the massive sale price point (19.99 each) I was actually okay with that.

    4. MissDisplaced*

      Talbots and Ann Taylor and Loft will probably be your best bets for targeted professional clothing.
      Saks will have everything, but may become overwhelming if you hate shopping.

      Be patient. This kind of shopping takes stamina. You will need to try on!

        1. Loopy*

          I wandered into saks to just look at their shoes and ran right back out seeing their price tags!

      2. Loopy*

        Thank you this was great advice! Talbots was my second stop and was having a huge 19.99 dollar dress sale and clearance event. They had exactly my style. The sizing was way weird but I forgot how helpful store sales people are at places like that (not like, JC Penny). Two were happy to help especially when they realized I wasn’t just popping in for a one off item. I ended up buying out of their petites section, which I never would have tried in a million years without their suggestion. It worked out with just giving an inch or two up in the hem line to have the dress fit well elsewhere. I’m 5’6 so I’m hoping this isn’t a sizing trend because I prefer my dresses at knee length (I’m really not a petite build and sizing now baffles me totally).

        Got three dresses and three comfy long sleeve shirts for 79.50! Do you have any knowledge of generally how well their stuff holds up?

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          I have quite a bit of Talbots (they used to have an outlet store 3 exits up the freeway from me). I machine wash gentle the machine washable items, and rack dry after tumbling for a minute to get the wrinkles out. I’ve gotten several years out of all of it… unless their quality has changed, I found them to be much better for long-wear than Penny’s, for example. Zip up the zippers, turn inside out, minimize rubbing with non-like items (ie, I don’t wash my talbot’s turtlenecks with blue jeans, for example).

    5. Scout Mom*

      I used to wear Ann Taylor all the time….. until my breasts grew. If you are a big busted woman, I find Ann Taylor to fit in the waist and be too tight in the chest. So although I can still buy separates, I cannot buy form fitting dresses anymore.

      1. Loopy*

        I wish I had made it over there, this might have worked out well for me. I just ran into a huge sale event at Talbots since it was the closer store and I hit it first. I will try and lodge Ann Taylor in my brain for next time.

    6. Llellayena*

      I know it’s not where you are, but the Calvin Klein line at Macy’s has some fantastic professional looking dresses. I always wish I wore dresses to work just so I could buy some…

      2. Loopy*

        This is good to know. I went to a big outlet place for multiple options but stores like Macys are closer if I dont have it in me to drive 30 minutes!

        1. Sunny*

          Check online for department store purchases. There is a vast amount of goods that never show up in the store because your size is gone, you can’t wade through ALL THE RACKS or, in the case of Nordstrom, only a fraction of their merch is in the stores.

    7. Kuododi*

      I’ve had decent luck with Lane Bryant in the past. Periodically they will carry jeans and slacks that will accommodate my size. (Petite length and plus size.). I haven’t gone there recently bc the selection had moved to more of a cutie pie/party clothes. I tend to look for more of the business casual than any other styles of clothing. I’m afraid I’m not going to be much help with any of the other choices. Best of luck. I’m sympathetic as I too loathe shopping with the heat of a thousand sun’s

      1. Loopy*

        I cannot do any casual clothes, I am so picky about my style being fairly conservative. This shopping experience wasn’t bad because I got exactly what i was looking for, below budget. So that helped.

    8. rmw1982*

      OP, IRT shopping, what has worked for me is finding a few brands that fit me well then going online. You’ll find plenty of items in your price range on ebay, ThredUp, Poshmark, etc. And you don’t have to deal with physically going to the store. (I loathe shopping and online used retail has been a godsend for me.) Good luck!

      1. Loopy*

        So, I totally tried this! I bought dresses at Lands End years ago and LOVED THEM. Fast forward 4-5 years I bought the same style, and none of the sizes I tried fit me due to the surge in vanity sizing. Because I shop sooo infrequently I’ve found sizing tends to sometimes be unpredictable if I wait 4-5 years before updating. I was SO sad and I was even in touch with the customer service reps. We worked out about half of the styles but some just didn’t come in a size that fit me period! And I’ve never had this problem before, I’m a generally common size.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m generally a fan of that but once, somehow (cringe) bought clothes form Goodwill that accidentally got put on top of some clean laundry, days passed, I forgot they hadn’t *actually* been washed as per usual routine and….there were consequences. So I’m kind of scarred from that still :(

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Goodwill has too much variety anyways. You need a smaller shop with less selection – that way there’s less to look through, and you just can drop by every month or so and see what’s new.

    10. Fishsticks*

      I love the Calvin Klein dresses. They can go for like 50 or 60 at Saks off fifth but! If you go to Marshall’s tj maxx and those places you can find them for 30-40 or even less. They are my fav kind of sheath dress. That doesn’t directly answer your question but I hope it helps!

      1. Loopy*

        I think I have some from a Nordstrom Rack that were 50 dollars each and I LOVE THEM THEY ARE THE BEST. They are also professional dry clean only and I’m just too lazy and cheap to make them regular rotation wear because of that :(

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          I did get dress shields (put them in… extends the wear). Then put the dry cleaners on your rotation for the errand rotation – part of them one week, drop off the other half (if needed) the next week. But in general, I can get a bunch of wearings (if I do not eat chocolate covered things or spaghetti while wearing them – the choc and tomato splatters are deadly).

          If no spots, in-between, I do use Dryel and the wrinkle remover to freshen and keep nice.

          Macy’s sale rack / Macy’s online clearance has been easier for me to deal with than TJ Maxx/ marshalls… I just don’t have time for the lines. Once I find a style and cut that fits, I will try to find another similar one (different pattern or color) online, eBAY, something easy – just so I don’t have to go to the store again. Macy’s will also search their inventory – so if a 14 doesn’t quite fit, you can ask them to search (nationwide) for a 16 and they will ship it to your house. So worth it to not have to go back to the mall.

        2. Fishsticks*

          Whoops did not know the dry clean only aspect. I just throw them into the wash and hang dry. You could try the woolite sheets that replace dry clean. I’ve used them and love them!

    11. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Loft and the aforementioned Banana Republic are both great for this, and for non-dry-clean only I would try New York and Co.

    13. merp*

      Belated response but if you want to do the online thing, eshakti is great. Some wacky options but many very normal options, with great return policy and free minor alterations!

  12. The Other Dawn*

    We welcomed a new kitty, Roscoe, to the family last weekend, and then my oldest kitty, Lou, hasn’t come home in three days. I’m sad, but I realize he was 14 (our best guess) and he was starting to lose a lot of weight, so maybe it was his time. Normally I wouldn’t assume he’s gone so soon, but he is very good about coming in every night and basically sticks to the patio area with a few rounds around the yard. He often sits in the front or side yard watching the cars go by. He also never misses a meal (what cat does?). So yeah, he’s gone.

    On to Roscoe. He’s what the head of the cat rescue calls “special.” Whenever I’m thinking about a new cat, I usually let her pick one for me (I volunteer there) and I get her so-called special ones. “Special” in my experience of her picking cats for me so far: one high-strung and afraid of his own shadow (but very affectionate); one high strung and food-driven (again, sweet girl); two divas; and one who was completely oblivious to the point where I don’t think he realized we moved houses when we moved five years ago. In this case, “special” means: neurological issue (she thinks he suffered head trauma as a kitten); a slight harelip; and a mild eye issue. He’s also very innocent and oblivious. She made the right choice, though. He is adorable and sweet and loves to play. He’s got a lot of energy and a gnat has a bigger attention span that he does. After spending most of the week first in one bedroom, then bedroom/bathroom, then a connecting bedroom, he’s out exploring the whole house today. No issues. Some hissing on both ends, but no attacks or growling. One cat, Oscar, doesn’t even seem to notice. Walked right by Roscoe and just glanced at him. Oscar has been here a long time so he’s used to being invaded upon. Also, I think all my cats tend to see him as Grandpa, as they always want to lay with him and snuggle.

    (Please, no comments that I shouldn’t have let Lou outside; it gets really tiresome. He was the one remaining indoor/outdoor cat of the 11 I have. It’s what he knew when I adopted him as an adult, so I kept it that way. Plus, he was a total asshole if we didn’t let him out. And I have a decent amount of yard space for him to roam.)

    1. Tennie*

      So sorry about Lou. It might not have had anything to do with the new kitty, of course. Cats are cats. But congrats on Roscoe! He sounds great. I once had a cat like Lou; could NOT be re-trained as an indoor-only cat. Still feel a little guilty because after we gave him to someone for a barn cat he immediately disappeared. But there are a few cats that just won’t adapt; mine was one and Lou sounds like he was one too.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Oh I know Lou disappearing has nothing to do with the new cat. He hadn’t even met him yet. I just meant it’s one of things that evens itself out. Kind of one door closes and another opens. (Maybe that’s not the right phrase) To inject some humor, it’s probably the universe allowing me to not have to tell people I have 12 cats!

    2. Goose Lavel*

      Sorry thst Lou is missing. Curious as to what your vet said about Lou losing weight.
      My 11 year old male cat Scooby is losing weight and our vet believes it could be hepatitis or hyperthyroidism. Blood test to find out the next step is happening next week.

      1. Blarg*

        My cat had hyperthyroidism. We did the iodine treatment and it was like having my kitten back. So amazing! Because I lived in a remote place at the time, we actually had to travel by plane to a place that could do it but it was still cheaper than meds 2x/day, every day, forever. Plus my cat hated the meds, even though it was a topical gel that went in the ear. It would have involved tackling her twice a day in perpetuity, which I wasn’t willing to do. Anyway, if it is thyroid, and you can swing the initial outlay, it’s so awesome to just cure the problem (and cheaper in the long run, especially when you factor in the blood loss from the wrestling).

        I hope for positive outcomes for everyone’s kitties — that Lou returns home or has found peace, that you get an answer and a solution for Scooby, and that Roscoe integrates successfully.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Is the iodine treatment the same thing as radiating the thyroid? My cat has hyperthyroidism, and he’s not responding as well to topical medication as our vet expected. She thinks that radiation would be curative, but it’s $1,300, and he’d have to stay at the vet hospital for a week. When I asked if the hospital stay is included in the $1,300, they didn’t give me a straight answer. The admin person said “Well, some doctors charge and some don’t.” My cat is also around 11 years old (he was a stray, but we’ve had him for 9 years and he was around 1.5 when we took him in), so I hesitate to spend $1,300+ when he might only be around for a couple more years. Did your cat do well with the procedure?

          1. Blarg*

            Yea, same thing. I took her to a Seattle facility that only does hyperthyroid. How long they spend there depends on how quickly they clear the radiation — typically a few days. My cat was a rockstar and only spent one night, which was a pleasant surprise. Since our travel involved planes and stuff, it was stressful for all of us, but she did great. She was 13 at the time, now 16, and no recurrent thyroid issues. In fact, she weighs more now than ever before! (She’s always been on the borderline underweight size and is now normal). I’d say add up the cost of the meds over the next 5 years; it’ll be more than the procedure. And barring other health stuff, there’s no reason an indoor cat can’t live into their late teens. I recognize that I am fortunate to have been able to pay for the treatment up front, and am so glad that I did!

            (This is the same thyroid ablation procedure humans get, for reference. Do we lock humans up for a week after? No. Do they get higher doses because it is weight based? Yes. Is it a little bit overly cautious that regulations require the extended hospitalization for felines? Probably.)

            1. Radiation Safety, it’s what I do*

              Actually we do lock humans up for a week after receiving Iodine for thyroid. It just doesn’t look like locking up. Because if the human is reasonably competent and not incontinent they go home and are isolated there.
              The issue is that once the person takes the iodine it is excreted from every pore in every fluid the body produces and in feces. Because of this it contaminates every surface the person touches, and because it’s easily and highly absorbed any person or pet who comes into contact. Keeping your pet overnight or a week is more about protecting your thyroid than anything else.

          2. Venus*

            My vet charged $1300 for everything. It was 3.5 years ago, when kitty was 12, and she’s still doing well. Other problems have come up, unrelated to the thyroid, so we treat them and hope for the best.

            The vet said that some cats need more time at the vet than others, but they charge a flat fee so that the unlucky owners get the same quality of service without added expense. I did the same calculation (cost of meds and blood tests) and decided that I would rather do the iodine radiation. I’m lucky I could afford it, and that he’s stayed alive, so I don’t regret the choice.

            1. MsChanandlerBong*

              If we did it now, we’d break even if he lived another three years (if you take the monthly cost of the medication x 36 months). I’d also be happy not to have to give him the medicine twice a day and have to remember to order it every month.

              1. Venus*

                The tipping point for me was the blood tests. Those need to be done reasonably regularly in order to ensure the dose of meds is correct. I didn’t ask for details, but I was guessing that blood tests would have to be done at least once a year more often (I already get the regular blood test once a year), at $100, so that would add to the expense. I think it would have been more likely to require 3+ blood tests the first year, although I never asked for the costs and numbers so maybe I was wrong. Either way, blood tests aren’t free and I would have needed at least a few of those over the years.

                1. MsChanandlerBong*

                  Yeah, our vet charges $100 for the thyroid test, too. That’s something I forgot to consider.

      2. cat socks*

        My tabby boy had hyperthyroidism that caused weight loss. Unfortunately he also had heart disease so we treated the thyroid issue with daily pills. It took a few tweaks to get the dosage correct, but his weight did get back to normal. He had a pretty severe case of heart disease so we opted not to do the iodine treatment because we knew he wouldn’t be with us long term due to the heart issue.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        To be honest, I had planned on taking him in the next week or so. I know it wasn’t a thyroid problem because I’ve had a cat with that issue previously and I didn’t see any symptoms other than weight loss. I’m thinking kidney failure, which is pretty common in a cat his age. Being that he spent so much time outside, though, I don’t know if he was drinking and peeing a lot (he always drank from the pond rather than a clean dish of water in the house). I’ve had other cats with kidney failure, and one on her way to that now, so I know the symptoms.

    3. Queer Earthling*

      I’m sorry about Lou! But congrats on your new kitty. Special needs cats are wonderful–mine snots everywhere due to allergies, but I’ve never met a more affectionate cat. He’s so eager to shove his snot-covered face into the face of whoever’s nearby.

    4. cat socks*

      I’m so sorry to hear about Lou. Glad you were able to give Roscoe a home. It’s always heartwarming to hear about special kitties being adopted.

      We just took in a stray last week which puts us at five cats. Got him neutered and found out he is FIV+. He’s been fine interacting with the resident kitties, but the plan is to foster him and see if we can find him a home.

    5. Pam*

      A friend of mine was an adopter of last resort. After her death, I inherited several ‘specials,’ including an epileptic cat, a former cat mill breeding cat who hated humans, and a few who were scared of everything. (Luckily, money to pay expenses came with them)

      They were all lovely kitties, and I did my best to give them a good life. The ‘hates humans’ female never did lighten up, and lived out her life as a feral house cat

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Aw, thank you for taking on the special kitties. It can be really rewarding, and challenging, knowing that you’re providing care and love to a cat that may be overlooked for adoption due to needing special care. Roscoe doesn’t need any special care other than daily cleaning of his eye, and that’s simple. His neurological issue means he sometimes has trouble tracking a toy and when he sits still, his head sometimes moves from side to side a little.

    6. anonnynon*

      Sympathy with Lou – if he comes home, check his thyroid levels. My indoor/outdoor 14ish yo boy developed hyperthyroidism last year – he’s back to his happy self as long as we keep him properly treated.

  13. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Parents of teens & almost-teens — are there kid-appropriate fan fiction websites? Can you suggest pop-music & Marvel fan sites that are popular & rated PG? I did find that Tiger Beat still exists, so that’s one thing.

    1. An adult who reads too much fanfiction*

      I’m not a parent, just a fanfiction lover, so I can’t give you as precise as answer as you’d like. I don’t know any fanfiction website for teens but I know some (relatively time consuming) alternatives to letting your kid alone in the wilds.
      If your teen likes analyzing pop culture they love, TV tropes can be great discussion fodder, and has some fanfiction recommendations.
      I’d suggest to use an app to download fanfictions from, say, fanfiction.net whose summary and rating appeal to you (and who have a sufficient number of reviews to suggest they’re at minimum decent reading).
      That way, you give them a “reading list” that guarantees they’re not reading glorified toxic relationships or erotica (I honestly think that the former is more insidious and harmful, because I remember not seeing the problem at 13, of say, a teenager falling in love with her rapist who just needed to be loved into changing, whereas erotica was…well, unmistakable).
      People usually create lists of fanfiction they like, so I think you will be able to find communities (there are communities for every fandom on fanfiction.net) that list vetted fics for young teens.

    2. Laura H.*

      I don’t think there’s exclusively fic sites like that, and even if there are, there’s always the risk of Author’s rating choice being way more lenient than you would think appropriate.

      Archive of our Own has a host of everything under the sun, but you might have luck using the filters and stuff.

      Fanfiction dot net has much less stringent search filters, but still useful to a degree.

      Both again will be subject to the writer’s diligence or not of content rating.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Archive of our own is the problem actually, because the age check is one box too easily ignored…

    3. Courageous cat*

      I suspect if they’re teens or preteens, they’re gonna find the non-kid-appropriate fanfic websites regardless. I know I sure did at that age.

      1. Grace*

        Yep, I found the M and E ratings on AO3 at twelve or thirteen. It wasn’t a bad thing for me personally, mind. I was in fandoms that tended to be pretty healthy rather than glorifying toxic relationships, and I had a good nose for filtering out the toxic stuff, so it mostly just served as really good sex-ed. For different fandoms, or for people that are less savvy about those things, it could possibly turn out very differently.

        (Things I learnt about from fanfiction erotica – sex toy safety, what explicit consent can look like without being awkward or contrived, safe sex for women having sex with other women, safe sex for/with trans folk, the importance of Safe Sane Consensual and related aphorisms. Oh, and healthy body image and masturbation for women. And no, it 100% did not lead to me being sexually active or experimenting. But again, experiences may vary for other teens.)

  14. evilintraining*

    I’m reading a wonderful novel by a great lesbian writer: “The Ada Decades” by Paula Martinac. It’s about a woman growing up and discovering herself in NC during turbulent, racist times. Martinac has written some other novels and nonfiction as well, mainly on lesbian and gay culture. Has anyone read her other stuff?

  15. The Other Dawn*

    I got my weight equipment for the home gym this week! I’ve used it already. It wasn’t the most efficient workout since I had to figure out the smith bar and how it works with the weight stacks (no owner’s manual!), but it was so nice to do something other than my usual two workouts. The guys who delivered and installed it did it in about two hours. It was quite impressive given how many boxes and bags were coming out of the truck. I looked at the assembly manual afterwards and I am SO GLAD we didn’t opt to do it ourselves.

    My mini split AC/heat unit arrived and my husband will install that hopefully this coming week. Then I just need to hang the rest of the mirrors and touch up the paint.

    Almost done!

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      Yay you!

      I would be curous to hear how the minisplit works out and how hard it is to install.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I have a treadmill and an elliptical, which we’ll put it later. My kettle bells and things like that are out on the patio.

  16. Clever Pun Name*

    Very low stakes question, but here goes: Can anyone recommend a comfortable, decent looking futon/sleeper sofa which isn’t extremely expensive? Does this unicorn even exist? I’ve reached my limit for reading online reviews. Thanks to all!

    2. londonedit*

      Not sure how you define ‘extremely expensive’, and it’s a massive ballache to put together, but the Hemnes day bed from IKEA is amazing. I live in a studio flat and it’s my actual bed, plus it packs away into a huge sofa. And it has storage drawers!

      1. Blarg*

        Second Ikea. They have a range of “meh, will work in a pinch” to “dang that’s above my budget.” I’ve recently transitioned to mid-range Ikea for my couch. Not a sofa bed but it is so much more comfy than my prior, cheapest of the bunch option. Good luck! If you go to ikea, I recommend looking at the website first to have a ballpark, bringing your own tape measure and photos of the space with the tape measure laid out, and wearing headphones. It’s so overwhelming that controlling at least one sensory input helps me. :) They also have a consumer credit card deal for purchases > $1500 with excellent terms if you pay it off during the grace period.

      1. No Name Yet*

        So you can use a regular mattress on a sofa bed? I had always assumed the mattress had to be designed specifically to fold up.

    5. No Name Yet*

      I’ve been having the same conundrum! They can be crazy expensive, but I’d like something my in-laws won’t hate to sleep on when they visit. :/

    6. Lizabeth*

      Take a look at the Apartment Therapy blog, they have a wide range of recommendations on it.

    7. Grandma Mazur*

      Another vote for Ikea (particularly as, with the Hemnes day bed recommended above, you can choose mattresses at a price point that works for you).

      That said, we actually got our living room sofa from the Futon Company in a sale (about £500, in 2012) and it turned out to be a very comfortable bed according to 100% of guests (and was an ok sofa – not cosy, but not uncomfortable – and, because the arms of the sofa were the head and for of the bed, one person could sleep on it without unfolding if you needed). We used it as our main sofa for 6 years and now it’s the bed in our guest bedroom.

  17. The Cosmic Avenger*

    OK, I debated about posting this to the work thread, but it’s volunteer, for a non-profit foundation that doesn’t pay anyone a salary, so I don’t think it’s work.

    I was invited to volunteer for this community organization, but they are kind of just getting started. They are using a book, and the book had some good suggestions, but one thing is that they adopted a pledge for the board members, and it says that board members will contribute monetarily however they are able.

    I mean, in a way it makes sense, but it also seems kind of elitist to me. I feel like people who could really help out but couldn’t afford to give any money might be shamed into giving $20 or $30 a year, which could be difficult for some people, but also could be embarrassing for them to admit. Someone suggested they change it to contributing however a person is able without referring to monetarily, but if someone’s a volunteer, they’re already doing that.

    I really think they should just drop it, and for some reason the pledge to give money feels offensive to me. Is this normal?

    1. Anona*

      I don’t have much experience with boards, but the ones in academia I’ve seen have this, but with them it’s more like dues. I wanna say it was several thousand dollars per year. Maybe the idea is you have established people (from whatever businesses/spheres), and they’re supporting the mission and vision of the organization, both I’m guidance and in money?

      1. Anona*

        And my understanding is that a board member is different than a regular volunteer. A board member is typically sought for their connections, like they own or work at a good company/they’re a fancy well off person connected with potential donors, so there’s less worry that they’d be able to contribute than a regular volunteer. But that’s just my impression. Hopefully someone with closer experience can weigh in!

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Well, dues are usually required for membership in an organization, so it makes sense that board members would have to be regular members with an extra contribution of time and responsibility. Maybe that’s what is bothering me, this organization doesn’t have membership or dues. It does take donations, but it gets most of them from area businesses who sponsor events, or from making a surplus running these events, so it’s not what I would consider dues.

        But thanks, Anona, maybe I can suggest that there be a member status for individuals, even if it’s just a magnet or sticker and a formality. Maybe with larger donations there can be freebies at an event. Being “members in good standing” is a requirement that seems not just OK, but obvious. Much better than saying you must give MONEY in addition to all your time!

      3. Madge*

        Different organizations have different types of people on their boards. A small art museum would probably have an appointed board full of people with lots of experience in either art or business. Maybe the owner of a gallery or a local art supply store, or a retired professor. A co-op grocery store would have an executive board similar to the art museum plus a general board full of community members who are elected by the store members.

        My husband is on a museum board. Professionally, he works in a related field at an executive level and was asked to serve by his employer. Board members are expected to be a member of the museum and also to make an additional donation, but all are able to determine their own amount. They have a retired school teacher who contributes the least and a business owner in a related field who is the museum’s primary donor.

        We’ve been members of our local science museum for years and that membership doesn’t come with any additional obligations to donate more. But one year we did donate a little more for a special project and then we were on a list with other donors and got invited to special donor only events. It was pretty cool.

    2. Ali G*

      It’s very normal if the organization is going to try to raise fund from foundations. For some reason it’s a thing they look at – that all the Board members are “invested.” At my org, Board members donate from $5 – $50k.

    3. Deloris Van Cartier*

      I think it depends on what type of board it is as they can really vary. For our BOD, they are required to commit to a “give or get” amount each year which I believe is around $1700 but I may be off as it recently changed. But we are also a well known non-profit so there is a “prestige” of being on a board of an org that people know (I hated writing that sentence as it’s all BS but unfortunately, it is true, especially where I live). I’ve been on boards before where I’ve been excused because I’m a non-profit employee who can’t fundraise against my own organization and didn’t have the funds but they wanted someone with my knowledge on the board.

      I would say the first step is really deciding what the purpose of the board is. Is it to make community connections, bring in members, bring awareness, help fundraise, help with governance or anything else? Then deciding on what if a pledge is necessary and if so, are there other ways to give (like time/connections/hosting events). One thing to keep in mind is if you don’t do a pledge and then a few years down the line, they decide to do one, it can be hard to get those longer standing board members on board.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Thanks everyone, I guess I overreacted because I’ve mostly volunteered for community organizations that didn’t deal with money at all, and those that did I’ve never been involved in fundraising, more strategy, organization, and just showing up and pitching in. It makes more sense to me now.

    5. kt*

      I have some peripheral experience with a board that’s not very well managed and doesn’t require dues, but is trying to change. They have all sorts of problems: people who’ve been on 30 years and aren’t really doing anything anymore (monetarily or practically) but want to have a lot of say, no compliance with standard accounting rules, problems with diminishing fundraising. There’s an effort to modernize the accounting, start using an email list rather than exclusively a phone list for fundraising, bring in new people, etc. The desire to ask people to pay dues is to ask people who are well off to get skin in the game, so to speak. They’re looking at exemptions for a few groups they might want representation from who they know aren’t highly compensated, like students, teachers, or employees of other nonprofits for example. But for the guy who owns a car dealership, or the gal who is a neurosurgeon? A monetary commitment makes sense — and it *is* something granting agencies look at.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I actually agree with you. To me, it looks like the board member is basically buying a seat on the board. I do realize that was not the intent but it seems to play out that way sometimes.

      Having said that, it’s pretty normal for board members to open their wallets. I am in a rural area so the goal here is just to get people to show up and forget about asking board members for money.

      There are costs to running an NPO , lawyers and accountants can be necessary. If your organization is not-so-lucky they may have to pay someone to keep the books and pay the bills. There are intangibles such as advertising costs, domain costs, etc, too.

      The one totally volunteer organization I worked on, we found that in the end we needed to pay people. We needed the online version of someone “tending the shop”. Volunteers just could not cover everything that was going on. We never hired that paid person, because no money and so eventually the group folded.

    7. Glomarization, Esq.*

      This is very common. One way I’ve seen it phrased is for board members to donate an amount of money every year that is “meaningful” to them. Source: I do a lot of work for nonprofit organizations.

      For a lot of boards, members are expected to participate in fundraising, bring in donors, and donate cash. It’s not unusual at all. In fact, it’s one reason why I’ve pulled back from sitting on boards for the past few years. I have more flexibility with my schedule than I have cash, so I’ve been donating time and work rather than participating as a board member.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      Every nonprofit (except for houses of worship) I’ve ever worked with that had a significant budget, had the expectation that board members would give large donations and would also recruit big-money donors.

      Yes, it’s elitist – because that’s where the money is. If you are relying on donations and grants to keep the doors open, you need people with money to give it. You can’t pay the electric bill or buy supplies with volunteer hours.

      1. Mels*

        Thank you. This is exactly correct. It costs money to run an organization. Members have of the board are the most engaged with that organization, know the most about it, and have direction/authority over its actions. It is an absolutely reasonable strategy and expectation that they’re truly invested and contributing to that budget.

    9. Krickets*

      I have some nonprofit background/education and have to say I encountered a lot of these policies during my time and also think + agree that it’s elitist. It hinders professionals who are part or from or have been adjacent to the population the nonprofit is serving to be on that board. It restricts diversity of members and also diversity of thought. Those who accept any amount, even $5, at least that’s sorta good..

    10. Jayne*

      I recently went through this with a nonprofit where they are trying to transition from a long-time group of people to a more usual board situation. In that case, we did revise the pledge to just contribute, without specifying working or monetarily. However, we do have a fundraiser each year where if every board member contributes, we get a monetary award. Because of the old guard, we have not gotten that for two years, which breeds resentment.

      Another factor is that I have experience three basic types of boards. A working board where people actually do stuff. A non-working board where people lend their prestige to enhance the fundraising. And a combo board, where you are expected to work and fund raise, sometimes from yourself.

      I am funding my own retirement, so I only serve on boards where it is mainly working, since that is also where I get my satisfaction. However, I did contribute monetarily when it makes a difference in the competition. I also founded my own non-profit, so I have the experience of people supporting a cause, but only in words, not actual work or monetarily. So, the vast majority of my non-profit monetary contributions go to my own nonprofit for the cause I believe the most in supporting.

    11. Anon For This*

      I was on the board of a professional org for a few years. The board members were basically volunteers with long-term roles in the organization. I was never asked to donate or asked to help with fundraising. We met regularly to discuss event planning, PR, recruiting new members, etc. So, basically, you were offered a volunteer job with an official title and job description just like a paying job, and you got to work with other board members and gain some insights into how the organization functioned. It was informative, and I’m glad I did it.

      If requiring board members to donate is common in the non-profit world, I think it does raise questions that are worth discussing. I imagine this is an on-going discussion somewhere. But I agree with you. And I think the question shouldn’t really be about how common it is. It should be about what the effect is and what makes sense, given what the org intends to accomplish. I mean, obviously, know your audience, but I think it’s worth bringing up with other board members.

    12. Not the real me*

      Worked at a nonprofit for years. Almost every grant required 100% board participation in donations to apply. We had a member based board so definitely not a “money” board. We asked for any amount, could even be $1. So not elitist but without that 100% participation would have been screwed for fundraising.

    13. Elizabeth K*

      If people are only on a board because they donate money, your organization has some serious governance issues! The Board is legally responsible for the operation of the agency- financially and in every other way. If you want window dressing donors- that is one thing. If you want proper organizational leadership, select your board members for their skill- and independence from management.

  18. I need a new mattress*

    AAM Friends ,
    Thanks for coming through for me last week. We ended up at a Room and Board outlet and got a sweet deal on a hybrid, coil and foam. So far so good.
    Let’s talk mattress covers. Bought one from COSTCO. Hate it. Sleeps hot. That one was 40 dollars. beauty rest .
    Do I need one? Do I need to spend serious money on an all cotton one? Had a wool one years ago, husband hated it.
    Recommendations?

    2. Fishsticks*

      If you have pets you definitely need one. Otherwise you might not! Check out on Amazon for some. I have a waterproof one right now that’s not too hot or wrinkly sounding

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Have a bamboo woven waterproof one on both mattresses. They were crazy expensive mattresses. (won’t be doing that again). It’s a good thing. Female visitor had an overflow accident. Mom stumbled and threw her cranberry herbal tea on the other one. (Comforter got most but not all of it…).

      The covers saved both of them. Yes, you can sponge out most of the stain…. but previous bed, ahem was not able to completely remove the “feathered” edges of the spot treatment.

      So up to you. But I recommend it. Guests, babies, pets, accidents. Things happen. The mattress itself sleeps hot, but I’m just having to cope with that until it wears out. The cover has made not that much difference for me for the sleeping temp.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I should say the bamboo waterproof one does not have the crinkly plastic in it. I do keep the older one of those for putting on the bed as a backup if there is a huge accident and I need to strip and wash the bed in the middle of the night. Hubby was very sick at the end, so… having backup mattress protector and extra sheets is always a good plan. Even a baby with diarrhea in your bed can mean that you have to strip and remake it in the middle of the night -and the sanitize cycle on the washer takes over 2 hours… and what happens once can happen again if there’s a gastrointestinal illness.

        Just saying. If you have any kind of room in your linen closet, keeping a backup is a good plan.

    4. Llellayena*

      Ooo. I’m following this thread. I’ve been trying to find a replacement mattress cover for years, but the packages are fully sealed in the store so I can’t check to see if they have the crinkly plastic layers. The last one I bought said ‘fabric’ on the bag but when I opened it it was fabric over plastic! Arg!

    5. Beaded Librarian*

      Mattress covers are good to protect against stains which will void mommy’s warranties and also if you live in an area with a bed bug outbreak or travel a lot an could pick them up there they can keep you from loosening the mattress that way.

    6. epi*

      My partner and I both sleep hot, so we have a five sided one that is supposed to be cooling and also makes sure no sweat ever gets directly on the mattress. All of our protectors are from Malouf, the Prime Smooth on the bed and terry pillow covers. I recommend them, they definitely do not make the bed hotter and may even cool it down a bit. They are not noisy at all. They are also cheaper on Amazon than on their website right now. We liked them enough that, when we set up our guest room recently, we got the exact same covers again for that bed.

      I would not bother with a cover that encases the mattress unless you are concerned about bedbugs. We don’t travel a lot and don’t bring secondhand furniture or linens into our bedroom, so we decided to just get a regular five sided cover.

  19. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    Mine finally has rain, so I hope the tomatoes start to ripen soon. The milkweed is being mobbed by bees and monarchs which is nice to see.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      My vegetables don’t seem to be doing all that well this year. Seems like everything has been slow to grow for some reason. I have one cucumber on my plant; nothing on the pickling cucumber plant (though I got four already that I picked); some tiny tomatoes and some larger ones, which haven’t ripened; and the green beans are slow, too. Even the jalapenos haven’t fully grown yet. I have plenty, but they’re small. Habaneros are plentiful, but I’m not sure when I’m supposed to pick them since this is the first year growing them.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      I planted flowers and my gladioli (is that the plural?) came in and I had to stake them. My dahlias as so sad and small with only 2 blossoms out of 20 planted. A whole row of bulbs didn’t come up at all. Someone suggested a squirrel but none of my mulch was dug up. This was my first year and foray into planting.

      My blueberry bushes hate me. I cant tell if they are over or under watered because they show signs of both. Ugh.

    3. GoryDetails*

      My peppers and eggplant had an early flurry of fruits, but haven’t done much since – I think it’s been too hot for them to set fruit (I’ve read that that’s a possibility), but if that isn’t it, it means I loaded up the planter-boxes incorrectly. However, the tomato plants – in the same types of planter-boxes – are doing very well, loaded with fruit, which will probably all ripen at once {wry grin}.

      The cucumbers, NOT in planter-boxes but in the regular garden plot, are climbing their trellises happily and are producing lots of fruit. (So if the problem with the peppers is too-hot-to-set-fruit, why are the cukes working? They’re in a space where the ground’s shaded for more of the day, but I don’t know if that’s enough of a difference. Hmmm.)

      The bee balm and catmint are in full flower, indeed almost rampant. Alas, so are the weeds, invasive vines, and general stuff-I-haven’t-been-pruning…

      1. Venus*

        My tomatoes are doing well yet the peppers next to them are doing nothing (flowers but only one tiny pepper) so you aren’t alone

    4. Lora*

      Winter squash. Sooooo much winter squash. I’m going to be All Set with pumpkin spice things. They are: Rainbow Banana, Lady Godiva, Tokyo Blue Pumpkin, Connecticut Field Pumpkin, Blue Ballet, Boston Marrow. I have a few dozen winter squash that have set little green (in some cases large green) fruit, and the stupid summer squash barely did a few pattypan and zucchini. Go figure.

      Tomatoes also doing well: Black Krim, Brandywine, Lillian’s Yellow, Pale Perfect Purple, Heidi paste, a zillion cherry tomatoes.

      Last week planted the winter garden: Brussels sprouts, broccoli, winter radishes, lettuces, bok choy. Everything sprouting nicely already.

    5. JobHunter*

      No salsa for me this year :( My Romas and cherry toms are loaded. They are just turning red. My jalapeños had are producing nicely, while the bell peppers are lagging. My cilantro self-seeded last year and is nearly done. The onions didn’t get much bigger than golf balls.

      My experiment with celery is turning out nicely. I had never grown it. I picked up a pack of seedlings at a local farm store. All of them made it!

      1. Tris Prior*

        It always annoys me that, here, the cilantro always dies in the heat before the tomatoes and peppers have a chance to ripen! So I never can grow all the ingredients for salsa!

        I probably won’t do salsa this year anyway because I’m not getting enough ripe tomatoes at once. I’m getting a steady stream of them – one of my cherry tomato plants is popping out lots of tiny ripe ones – but not a large quantity at once, and they’ll get yucky if I try and hold onto the ones I have until I get more. Yucky tomatoes are no good for home canning!

    6. MinotJ*

      The zucchinis, as always, have taken over and reminded me that I never need more than two plants. Carrots started to rot in the ground so I had to pull them all. Beans are over-producing and we can’t keep up so I need to start freezing them. I made salsa last night with tomatoes, tomatillos, and a jalapeño from the garden and it tasted like summer. The winter squash have reached the set-it-and-forget-it stage; they’re climbing the fence and I don’t need to think about them for a few months.

      Here’s a mystery! Somebody is eating my corn! The stalks are still upright, the plant is not damaged at all. But the ears (still on the stalk) have been peeled and the kernels all munched completely off. It’s not too many and the mystery is entertaining me at this point, so I’m not upset.

        1. MinotJ*

          I haven’t seen any deer in town since I moved here a few years ago, but they’re definitely in the hills outside of town. They’d have to walk up my driveway and hop two fences and walk right by my bedroom window to get to the garden (I’m on a panhandled lot surrounded by 8-foot fences). That would be pretty fun to watch if it was deer!

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Deer can easily jump an 8 footer. My friends who had a Serious Garden (feed the whole community garden) put a 16 foot fence up for this reason. Eight footers are no problem for deer.
            You need a camera on a motion detector. lol.

    7. Penguin*

      Nothing much here (the grapes haven’t ripened yet… but soon!) but I got to remotely identify a ground cherry plant for a relative the other day, and now I keep thinking about having those around when I was growing up. Maybe I should see if my landlord would like to plant some for next year…

    8. Elizabeth West*

      The weather has been erratic here–alternating between beastly hot and cool/a little rainy, so the tomatoes have been sort of meh. My Golden Jubilee plant fruited and then got stuck in the green phase. :P Oh well, I guess I’ll have some fried green tomatoes!

      I am also dissatisfied with the Black Prince variety. They’re nowhere near as good as the Cherokee Purple.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      I have a massive amount of Stargazer lilies right now – outside. They do emit a lot of fragrance. :)

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The cucumbers folllowed the zukes into powdery mildew, but at least we got some nice cucumbers off it first. Nothing from the zukes. I’m not sure if it’s this year”s weather or if I’m doing something wrong container gardening.
      The cherry tomatoes are an ongoing joy, each of us has been able to eat some off the bush every day. The basil bolted. It’s all bitter now, and because of weather & w…weekday obligations I hadn’t made pesto yet. The day lilies continue to bloom, and I have a glorious bank of Queen Anne”s Lace in the back yard. I’m trying to transplant some into the garden bed with my red bee balm.
      In other news, I am told I have hazel nuts growing along the street. I need to call the town and find out how to make sure they do not brush cut like they did last year– I’m maintaining that, not them.

    12. Lizabeth*

      Rabbits 50 Me 0

      I have been gone for a week and the rabbits have been busy devouring the grass like plants. Like munching them down to the ground. I give up at this point. May try to transplant what’s left somewhere else (the backyard) and rethink what to plant in the front. The bee balm hasn’t been touched which is great, nor the dusty miller but want to get less annuals and more rabbit proof stuff. I need some outdoor cats, owls or foxes to discover the vast numbers of rabbits and thin them out. Sigh…

    13. KaladinSB*

      I don’t actually have a garden, I just popped in to say that “How does your garden grow” sounds a lot like the first half of a code phrase that your contact in Belgrade has to complete with the appropriate response.

      Oh, but my girlfriend’s tomato plant got pillaged by the neighbor kids, who left the visible remnants on the porch. So I guess I did have an answer, though probably not the one the KGB agent would give.

  20. CoffeeforLife*

    Weird/Odd/Interesting food combinations!

    What do you put together that tastes great but other people may not have considered combining?

    Watermelon with smoked paprika and feta cheese is my current obsession (I *may* have eaten half a watermelon yesterday).

    1. Lena Clare*

      Strawberries and balsamic vinegar, chips and mayo, vanilla ice cream and hot sweet chilli sauce.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Oh, I love strawberries and basalmic but I make it look super gross with the addition of whipped cream! Tastes great but I would not want to serve it to anyone :)

          1. Grace*

            Fruit cake and cheese is a classic! I can’t remember where you’re from based on other comments, but I know that in my part of the world (Yorkshire, England) Wensleydale cheese with butter and fruitcake is something you see on teashop menus. Other strong salty cheeses like Manchego go well with fruitcake/tea loaf as well, as does extra-mature Cheddar with all the gorgeous little crunchy calcium lactate crystals.

            1. Lena Clare*

              I got the recommendation from a woman I worked with in Lancashire who was married to a Yorkshireman!

      3. Jedi Librarian*

        I have NEVER heard of anyone else eating fries with mayo besides my mom. Hello, fellow weird eater! :P

        1. fposte*

          Oh, God, we’re getting into fig anxiety season :-). I love fresh figs, and grabbing them in grocery stores in my area is like trying to catch a ghost. Then when you’ve got a batch it’s a race to eat them before they all mold.

          Worth it, but still stressful.

          1. IT Squirrel*

            I’m looking at my fig tree with alternating desire and horror at the number of baby figs currently on it!

      2. Courageous cat*

        This is truly unusual! I’m having a hard time envisioning this. Maybe you have to really love blue cheese.

      3. Wendles*

        I came here (late to the party) to say this! Creamy blue cheese paired with dark bitter chocolate sauce is the best pancake topping ever.

    6. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Apple sauce with a bit of black pepper. I came up with this right after dental work, when I had to eat things that didn’t need chewing and thus had limited options.

      2. Square Root Of Minus One*

        I think the conception of “odd” might be cultural here, because that’s exactly how my family and I ate radishes when I was a kid.
        I don’t do weird things a lot (except liking ice as a snack admittedly) but I remember fondly a clam/fennel/saffron soup I ate in a restaurant and never could reproduce in my kitchen.

    8. GoryDetails*

      I *love* watermelon with feta! Haven’t tried adding paprika, but will give that a shot. (I’ve added blueberries and a little lime juice on occasion.)

      Recently I made a balsamic-peach ice cream from a Budget Bytes recipe; quite tasty!

      1. Kuododi*

        Ooooh!!! My extended family is from Deep South US. I grew up with banana and mayonnaise sandwiches on white bread as a special treat. Wonderful childhood nostalgia. ;)

      3. CoffeeforLife*

        Just talk to my partner (who’s from Alabama), he recalls the mayo banana sandwich. Says it’s just enough mayo to keep the bread from being dry and you only taste the banana…

    11. Blarg*

      Watermelon and cheese is a food group for me; I cut off a chunk of cheddar and go to town.

      I think the true weirdest thing is corn from a hot bar (like in a cafeteria) with shredded cheese on top. I cannot replicate this at home. Something about the corn sitting in the juice. And the cheese being pre-shredded which makes it not melt all the way. This was an accidental combo at a salad bar years ago when I was little and the food touched. And it’s still this weird treat. It’s also oddly embarrassing (I *want* what is generally considered gross) but every so often, I will visit a site with an old school hot bar and have my secret pleasure. :)

    12. The Cosmic Avenger*

      With my morning coffee, I often like to have a banana with it; the sweetness and creamy mouth feel go well with good, strong coffee. And sometimes if there’s a bowl of bacon grease set aside to harden before being thrown out, I’ll dip my coffee spoon in it (upright, just to coat it) and then stir my coffee.

      Also, after dinner, if I’m having bourbon or scotch, I often have either a soft cheese or an apple. The cream or sweetness are a really good contrast to the whisky. My favorites are cambozola and honeycrisp, respectively.

      1. Courageous cat*

        This thread is really delivering. That bacon grease one is insane to me personally but I love that someone does it.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          It’s hard to describe, but if you like black coffee at all, I highly recommend it. I had heard some people put a pinch of salt in their coffee, and you get a bit of that, but you get this lovely unctuousness without cutting or muting the flavor the way creamers do. (And I love light and sweet sometimes, too! But this isn’t for people who can ONLY drink it that way. I sometimes drink really good coffee as-is.)

      2. Parenthetically*

        “bacon grease set aside to harden before being thrown out”

        Before being what? Throw out bacon grease? NEVER

    13. SigneL*

      I love corn pancakes (not corn fritters, just regular pancakes with corn added to the batter) – with maple syrup and bacon. It’s really good in the fall, for some reason. My BFF thinks this is disgusting, by the way – more for ME.

    14. Grace*

      The YT food channel Sorted has recently done a couple of videos on viewer-submitted weird food combos. Some of the standouts were banana dipped in pesto or parmesan with ground coffee.

    16. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Oh! Oh! Oh! I can’t believe I forgot one of the best things I’ve ever eaten: tomato, cream cheese, and bacon on a buttered and griddle-toasted bagel! OMG, the acid, cream, salt, sweet…. dammit, now I REALLY want one! :D

      1. The Messy Headed Momma*

        Yasssss…..and get everything on the toast while it’s still warm so the pb melts a little……

    18. Deanna Troi*

      My husband just bought me corn fudge from a local fudge place. It is amazingly delicious and has whole kernels in it!

    19. London Calling*

      Crab and mango – sweet and salty together

      Cheese and mango chutney – same combination

      1. NeverNicky*

        Nut butter and marmite on toast (used to be PB before I became allergic but cashew nut butter works)
        Nut butter and mayo sandwich
        Eggy bread (french toast) and sweet chili sauce

    21. wingmaster*

      I recently tried this recipe that sauteed kiwi, kale, ginger and garlic together. Surprisingly good!

    22. Elizabeth West*

      This is hardly unusual, but I recently discovered how good that Tajin chili pepper, lime, and salt seasoning is on apples. It’s also fantastic on fried plantains.

    23. Apt Nickname*

      I know these combos are probably common to some people, but I love peanut butter cheeseburgers, and ginger thins topped with blue cheese.

    24. Marion Ravenwood*

      Nutella and crunchy peanut butter. In a toastie. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

      Also Brie and Thai sweet chilli Sensations crisps (chips), eaten the way you’d eat cheese and crackers.

    25. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Monte Cristo sandwich needs to be served with oth pickles and maple syrup. Sweet & sour extravaganza.

    26. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve made cheese doodle, cheese and mayo sandwiches. To be honest, it was out of necessity at the time, but I really liked it. I like chips on my sandwiches anyway, so it wasn’t all that different. Any kind of chip works for me, but I especially like Doritos or Fritos.

    28. Pieismyreligion*

      Cantaloupe, heirloom tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella all sliced and stacked with balsamic vinegar drizzled over. Eat with a knife and fork.

    29. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      Clementines/ mandarins with peanut butter! They’re aawesome but no one else will give them a go.
      Also, my old driving instructor from the Philippines told me about a popular combination there of watermelon liberally sprinkled with full-fat milk powder. It’s delicious…

    31. Accidental Itenerate Teacher*

      We always had a chunk of sharp cheddar with Reeces peanut butter as a treat growing up.
      I’m also a big fan of goat cheese with honey.

    32. HannahS*

      Sandwich: Toasted pita with goat cheese, granny smith apple, and craisins or dates. So good. Also grilled cheese with red onion and sweet apple. Mmmmm. I realize it looks like I just like adding apples to things…but it’s really good! White rice with butter and salt is also pretty great.

    34. Damien*

      I dip my chicken nuggets and salted fries in chocolate milkshakes on the very rare occasion that i go to maccy d’s. It’s amazing.

      When i was a kid in primary school, it was Wotsit and jam sandwiches that I loved, or various flavours of crisps and tuna in a sandwich together.

    35. JobHunter*

      Sauerkraut and barbeque sauce.

      I use a dry rub of ground mustard, black pepper, ceyenne, Aleppo pepper, salt, tumeric, garlic powder, smoked paprika, and sumac on pork ribs that I then grill on a bed of sauerkraut (over foil, of course). When the ribs are nearly done, I brush them with a whiskey-barbeque sauce and let them finish over low heat.

      I also eat pizza with Frank’s hot wing sauce.

    36. D.W.*

      Roasted beets with flaky salt and rosemary eaten with japanese sweet potatoes. Right now I just eat them together but I plan to make a mashed potato out of it.

    37. Lena Clare*

      Honey on digestive biscuits, or honey and cheddar cheese on digestive biscuits (Graham crackers I think in the US?).

      1. Jedi Librarian*

        lolol that’s such a funny name for Graham crackers. The honey and cheese combo sounds really good!

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          They are thicker, round, and not as sweet as Graham crackers. They were marketed to aid in digestion, thus the name.

    38. Isabekka*

      My favourites so far are coconut and lime (my local supermarket has this amazing coconut and lime yoghurt that is so good). And one from my youth, banana and bacon. It works well in a sandwich but we made banana and bacon rolls. You just cut the banana into segments, wrap the bacon rasher around it and then grill it or barbeque it.

    39. Alexandra Lynch*

      Did a medieval recipe that combined chopped lobster with dates and figs in a tiny fried pastry.

      Embarassingly, addictively good.

    40. SaraV*

      Already seen some similar combos, but…

      Bacon & cream cheese on cinnamon raisin toast. Yum yum yum. It’s been a few years for me.

  21. Anonymous4This*

    Going anonymous bc the person it’s about would know my user name. Also, trigger warnings for depression and self harm.

    I’ve got a friend—I considered her maybe even my best friend at one time but then I found out she was lying to me or holding off on telling me important information. I still enjoy seeing her, so I didn’t completely cut her out of my life, but I let the friendship settle down into a reduced status so that I wasn’t investing as much energy into it.

    This friend has some legitimate challenges with anxiety and depression (which I also recognize feed into her behavior towards me), so I try to remain supportive and ready to listen. I honestly fear that in her low points, she could harm herself, and I am trying quite hard to be there for her when needed. The thing is that she continually sabotages her life and causes issues. If her job is running smoothly, she decides they all hate her and she quits, and the next gig ends up being awful so then she has that to complain about.

    I can totally see how all her issues feed into this behavior, so I’m not questioning why it happens, but I’m starting to struggle with how to respond supportively without indulging the sabotage. I’ve tried saying really direct things like “I know your brain is telling you this but I see it differently”, and I’ve tried gently nudging towards healthier decisions like “have you looked into X at all?” In her clearer moments, these approaches work fine, but when she’s spiraling downwards, she snaps back very negatively.

    I have a pretty good understanding of mental illnesses in the sense that I know that she can only solve these issues herself working with her therapist. I’m just feeling like a really crappy friend on my end bc I either say something totally useless like “that sounds awful”, or I say something I totally don’t mean like “Yeah, if you feel that way you definitely should quit!” She’s not close enough for me to check in on her when she’s spiraling, so I feel that extra burden on my texts to not push her deeper into her darkness.

    Am I missing a healthier/more supportive approach to responding to her? Most of the time lately I feel continuously at a loss at what to say. I also feel guilty for cutting back so much, but I still have my own hurt to deal with from realizing that she’d been lying to me. I just can’t bring myself to walk completely away bc I think the things that caused her to hurt me may also be what’s causing her to hurt herself. I’m hoping that some of you wise people may offer me some suggestions or examples to help me deal with this.

    1. Agent J*

      It may feel useless but acknowledging her feelings (e.g., “That sounds awful!”) might be the best thing you can do to validate her pain while keeping a safe emotional distance.

      You may feel like you should do more but until you work out a bit more clearly how you want to proceed with the relationship, a safe but supportive distance is still being a good friend. You’re just taking care of yourself at the same time.

    2. Purt's Peas*

      I think you should probably stop offering advice, but keep offering sympathy with her feelings. “That sounds tough,” or “I can see how that’s really hard.” At the same time, I think you can stand up for yourself. “Hey, I’m sorry for offering advice when it wasn’t welcome–I shouldn’t have done that–but please don’t speak to me that way.”

      The difficult thing is, when she’s in those dark places, you have to also concentrate on your own health, and that means that you *can’t* get too invested in how she’s doing or the mistakes she’s making, and you *can’t* just make your feelings immune from being hurt. So that means, limiting the advice you give, maybe even limiting the sympathy you offer in favor of conversation you actually might enjoy, not allowing her to just keep hurting your feelings.

      Remember, you’re not responsible for her self-sabotage or self-harm. You haven’t failed if she goes through with a bad choice. But the hard thing to acknowledge is, you haven’t necessarily succeeded if she makes a good choice; it’s not, and can’t be, all on your shoulders to heal her life.

      (Additionally, I totally agree with Agent J: acknowledgment of her feelings isn’t useless, and you’re still being a good friend particularly for the pre-existing level of intimacy you have with her)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      There is a tendency for some folks to try to push us away. And they can do that for various reasons. I know of some extreme examples where friends/family who did not leave actually caused the person’s moods to get even darker and their pain got deeper somehow.

      My wise friend used to say sometimes we have to get out of the way so the person who will actually help can get into the situation. When my friend first said this I had to go think about it. One of the things I thought of is that so many people are willing to help others.

      My suggestion is to slowly step back. As you ease back, see where that puts the relationship. You may find a point of less interaction that is actually healthier interaction. Or you may not find that point. Some times the best we can do is hold the door open ajar rather than shutting it and locking it.

      1. Anonymous4This*

        That phrase: “Get out of the way so the person who can help can step in” resonates so well with me right now. I know I’m not the person who can help her solve her issues, but I’ve been afraid that I’m also abandoning her to them. Thank you.

    4. Shiny Swampert*

      There’s a lot of stuff at Captain Awkward about this kind of situation that has helped me.

      Discount this if it doesn’t feel right, but: I have a friend who has terrible mental health, and I know she needs support and love, but I can’t be that person for her any more. I haven’t seen her in almost a year and I miss her dreadfully but it causes me too much pain to keep reaching out only to have her ignore me again and again, and then when I finally do get to speak to her she *promises* she’ll arrange to meet up, but it doesn’t happen. I know she truly means it but I can’t do it any more. I’ve deleted her number from my phone – I’ll reply when she messages, but until then? I have to stop myself reaching out because it hurts.

      I tell you all this because from what you say, it sounds like you might need to prioritise your own needs. She may need help and love and support, but when she’s caused you pain, it’s ok to decide that (at least right now) you can’t be that person for her.

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        Oh: you can also say that you can’t deal with talking about the hard stuff right now, or set a hard limit of ten minutes, and after that it has to be something fun and light.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Reducing the time you spend with this person might actually improve your relationship. Spend some time but not as much as you have spent in the past.
      Since she’s lying and omitting important facts, you can’t be an effective therapist for her even if you’re a professional mental health expert. You can offer emotional support, but that might be all you can do.
      Remind yourself that your needs must come first. You can’t help a drowning person if you’re drowning, too.
      I hope both of you get to a better place soon.

    6. Anonymous4This*

      I appreciate the suggestions and the confirmation that sometime I do need to step away. It is a good perspective to carry forward!

    7. Tired*

      As someone who suffers from pretty crippling anxiety, being told “that sounds awful!” and “your brain is telling you that, but it’s not what I’m seeing” are two very helpful and supportive statements. Having someone acknowledge that my feelings are valid is important, while also giving me an honest perspective.

      But you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. If being supportive for her is too draining for you, it’s okay to step back from that role.

      Also, as much as you’re worried, self-harm may not even be on her mind. At my deepest point, I’ve only briefly thought of hurting myself. I don’t want to dismiss your fears, but let you know that people can be in that black out without hurting themselves.

          1. NewNameTemporarily*

            New to looking for these things. I see a book called Jazz hands published in 2014 on Amazon. And I see no book by that title on booklist. Do I have the title right?

            1. NewNameTemporarily*

              GOT IT… you mean the book Alison talks about at the top – I was reading from the bottom of the page up, and completely didn’t get to the book of the week. SWEET!

      2. a librarian*

        I bought a copy too!
        My library provides remote reference to a prison-based community college program. We’ve also been asked if one of us would be willing to do a one-shot instruction session at the prison.

    2. MMB*

      Just finished the sample and downloaded the full book. It’s raining here today and this looks like the perfect afternoon read. Thanks! And great work Oryx!

    5. The Other Dawn*

      My brother was in prison for most of my life, so I think this will be a very interesting read for me. It’s on my list!

    6. Wandering*

      Very cool! And it’s your second memoir. Love the title for “Running with a Police Escort”. Also now enjoying your blog.

  23. A teacher*

    I have a really hard time asking people who aren’t extremely close friends or family for favors. Like, small favors that if someone asked it of me I’d be fine with. For example, I’m looking to move and there’s an apartment building in my town that’s a little exclusive but I know several different friends-of-friends who live there and could at the very least give some inside advice. And I’m having so much trouble composing the text messages to the people I know asking if they can pass on my details and get their friends who live in the building to contact me. And the worst part is, they (in one case my friend, in the other the friend-of-a-friend) offered to help! It’s not out of the blue! I just need to follow up!

    Anyone else have these kinds of problems or tips for getting over myself?

      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Write text messages! Stop looking at this, do it right now!

        Hey I said stop looking, go right now and report back here when you’re done.

      2. Purt's Peas*

        Write the damn messages!! :) Greeting – context – request – offer an out – sign off with a thanks and you’re d o n e!!

      3. Batgirl*

        Just do it!
        The reason you’re struggling is that asking for an acquaintance’s help is not something we often do. Hence networking hate. Those muscles we don’t use often are rusty. So get in some practice.
        Picture yourself living there and compose a message to yourself starting ‘Dear A teacher’. Try to picture yourself receiving it and being delighted to help and then just change how it’s addressed.

      4. fposte*

        Think about how nice it will be to be a person who has just finished writing the damn text messages.

        1. A teacher*

          I love this and honestly it helped a lot. What a good way to reframe an unpleasant task. And now I am such a person and can finally pour a glass of wine for myself.

        1. A teacher*

          Yes, I did the thing!!! Thank you so much to everyone, especially A Simple Narwhal for badgering me a second time! This really is harder for me than it should be and you all really helped.

            1. A teacher*

              Thanks! Today one of the people in question got in touch with all the info I need and was very gracious and I was able to take the next step in the process. I owe some IRL folks a drink next time I see them, and wish I could do the same for those of you here on AAM who gave me such great advice and words!

      6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        *flutter flutter flutter*
        Write the damn text messages, if you haven’t already done!
        *flutter flutter flutter*

    2. ScoobyDoobyDoo*

      I definitely feel similarly to that kind of thing so I totally understand that it’s not an easy thing to do but – just do it! I promise you they’ll be receptive and it will go fine. They offered after all!

      One thing that helps me with this type of thing is to do a little role-play in my head and imagine I’m on the receiving end of the conversation. I find it much easier to offer people favours than to ask for them so I just imagine (and maybe write out on a scrap paper) a text conversation with someone in reverse and then use that as a guideline to compose the actual text message. You might find this tactic to gimicky for you but I thought I’d mention it in case it could help!

      1. A teacher*

        That is exactly the kind of thing that works for me! I didn’t see your message until after I did the thing, but it’s brilliant and I’ll be stealing it for future use.

    3. Asta*

      Try to remember that lots of people like being asked for little favours. I feel so good when I can do something nice for a friend.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Exactly. I like being able to help people! And if it’s something easy for me to do, it’s even better! Low investment with a high payoff. :)

      2. Anono-me*

        In addition to people liking to be able to do small easy favors for others. People like to be the wise giver of knowledge and advice. The favor you are requesting is both.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Think about how good you feel when you get to do a little favor for someone. Let others enjoy that little glow. For kindness to exist in the world, we must both give and receive. Be sure to do both.

    5. Courageous cat*

      My advice: don’t start in with “Hey how are you what’s new” etc etc, it feels really disingenuous when people do that. Just be like, “Hey! Super random question, I know you live in ___ and it’s hard to get into, do you have any advice on how you were able to find your place?”

      I have never once received a bad response to something like this.

      1. A teacher*

        Luckily I saw both of them last night! But I agree, no disingenuous nonsense. We are all pretty sarcastic so I just made some jokes instead.

    6. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      A lot of apartment complexes have a resident referral fee, where if you refer a new resident you get a cash credit on your rent. I’ve seen it be anywhere from $200 to $1000. So chances are, whoever helps you stands to gain a chunk of money from it.

      Given that, I’d contact people in order of how well you know them.

      1. A teacher*

        Oh, interesting! I am in a country that doesn’t really have a culture of apartment living and is currently experiencing a severe housing shortage, so I’m not sure if that kind of thing exists over here for one or both of those reasons, but if it does I hope anyone who helps me gets a nice reward!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Is it the medium? I mean is texting the most comfy way for you to have this conversation?

      Someone told me that in order to be good givers we have to learn how to be gracious receivers. Every time I have asked someone to help me they have showed me how better to help others. My suggestion is: take notes.

      1. A teacher*

        No, it’s not the medium, but good point to consider! Texting is by far the most comfortable way to approach these folks. And they’d think it was super weird if I rang them up or emailed them or sent a carrier pigeon or something.

        But I did the thing and got positive replies from both folks already!

  24. Purt's Peas*

    What’s everyone reading?

    I read Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee, which I loved. I pretty much already want to read it again; I had a great time letting it all wash over me, but I really want to reread now that I understand the world better. It’s a weird, weird space opera, where a military captain is suddenly “”promoted””” to wrangle an immortal/dead, insane, ancient general. It’s so good. I have high hopes for the second.

    Ripped through The Wounds of the Dead by Vikram Paralkar. I think I saw it recommended (or at least described) on here. It was fascinating, though I can’t decide whether it’s a book I’d fully recommend or not. I felt very strong shades of No Exit in the novel, though it’s been a while since I’d read No Exit; and the surgery stuff was fantastic. I’m still thinking about the book and that does say a lot :)

    Also read the first Whyborne & Griffin book by Jordan L Hawk. I enjoyed it, but all I want is to be able to read K.J. Charles’ entire body of work again for the first time, since now I have done that. (Does anyone have recommendations for, like, top-tier very modern romance that has some diversity in the protagonists and isn’t too wildly heteronormative?)

    1. Dragonista*

      I would recommend American /French author, of Vietnamese descent Aliette de Bodard -In the Vanishers Palace.

      I haven’t got around to reading Ninefox Gambit yet, but it’s waiting on my kindle.

      I’m currently reading Velocity Weapon by Megan E O’Keefe. Enjoying it so far, but it seems to be bouncing between an increasing number of POV, started with 2 and now up to 4. I’m only 20% of my way through the book.

      I am recommending The Light Brigade by Kameron Hurley to everyone who shows an interest in sci-fi. Queer rep, as always in her books. One of her other novels, The Stars are Legion, is affectionately known by fans as Lesbians in Space.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        I am VERY there for “lesbians in space.” That’s going on my list right now :)

        I loved Ninefox Gambit but be warned, the first chunk of it will not make much sense—you really just have to let it wash over you.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I recently read Ascension by Jacqueline Koyanagi; it’s a lively SF novel with diverse characters and relationships – and I found that the relationships served the plot well for the most part, and weren’t just tacked on.

    3. Stitch*

      I am reading the Expanse books, but I will say it suffers from some of the “men writing women” issues.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        A little bit. How far in are you? There are definitely shades of men-writing-women-itis but I found it pretty nuanced overall.

        1. Stitch*

          On book 3. There was just some aside where Holden sort of objectified Bobbie and it bothered me. I like Bobbie and Avasarala but Naomi who seems way more fascinating seems to be primarily Holden’s love interest, which I find irritating.

          1. Purt's Peas*

            That’s so weird, cause I feel kind of the opposite–like I find Naomi to be as well-drawn and nuanced as anyone else, even though she doesn’t really get POV time, but I got annoyed by all the bits in Bobbie’s POV that were just herself talking about her body.

            It felt like a conscious reverse-that’s-not-really-a-reverse of “I look at myself in the mirror, I like my breasts but not my stomach” kind of thing–like, “oh, since she’s talking about how big and muscly she is, it’s not like that!” But it really is like that. I love how big and muscly she is, but the (I think) unconscious use of that trope struck me. While I really like Naomi even though Holden regards her romantically from his POV.

      2. The Redshirt*

        Interesting! I’ve read all of the Expanse books, and didn’t get the “men writing women” issues at all.

        It’s an utterly fantastic sci fi series.

    4. Miss Fisher*

      I just finished several which is a huge deal for me as I stopped reading for quite some time. Mine are all fluff mostly.

      I finished the latest Janet Evanovich and a couple of other cozy mysteries.

      2. Purt’s Peas*

        Ooh, which cozy mysteries? I’ve never been a huge cozy mystery person—I read mostly sci-fi, fantasy, and romance—but I always love recommendations.

        And I’m in a similar boat to you—I had a weird pause in my reading habits for the past ten years (!) or so; I used to read voraciously when I was younger, and college + dating + starting work wiped that out. But I’m back now babey!!!! It feels great :)

        1. SigneL*

          Well, Dorothy L. Sayers and Ngaio Marsh are two authors to begin with. Margery Allingham and Patricia Wentworth (especially the Miss Silver books) are also well worth reading. Of course Agatha Christie is the Grande Dame of Golden Age mystery writers.

        2. Miss Fisher*

          You might like Darynda Jones, her Charley Davidson series is mystery and a little syfy mixed in. She is a PI who is also a grim reaper so she can talk to some ghosts to help solve their crimes. The series just ended on book 13. There is also some weird other worldly romance mixed in.

          As far as Cozy Mysteries, I have a few series I like, mostly Janet Evanovich, and another new writer Chelsea Field.

    5. Nicki Name*

      Hope this isn’t a spoiler but… I thought Raven Stratagem was even better!

      I’m currently checking out the Dragaera series by Steven Brust. I started with publication order, but I’m thinking now I should have gone with chronological order.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        That’s good to know! I read the plot blurb and it really didn’t grab me, which was a mistake—I am very definitely reading it :) I really appreciate the vote of confidence in it. All I want is to talk about the book but it’s like, really easy to spoil. I’m forcing a friend to read it currently :)

      2. detaill--orieted*

        Publication order. I think he does deliberate things with what kinds of books they are, and what kind of person Vlad is, that unfold properly in publication order.

        Of course, that can lead to some confusion when after a while one notices that it is no longer all wisecracks and assassination!

    7. Lady Jay*

      Re-reading Howl’s Moving Castle, because I needed something light and fun for the evenings. I read the book for the first time at the end of my first semester of my master’s program, more than 10 years ago. Since then, it’s been a go-to during stressful periods of work/life, when I need a book that’s funny and exciting and hopeful.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Leaping Lemur, I loved the Pushcart War! Thanks for giving me something fun to think about.

      3. MMB*

        I just reread that a few months ago along with The Merlin Conspiracy and the Derkholm series! Love DWJ.

    8. Courageous cat*

      I’m reading “I know this much is true” from Wally Lamb, but I’m not too far in and I’m already struggling. The main character has embodied everything I hate about straight men so far, and I’m not particularly interested in just a re-hashing of one’s childhood.

      Can someone tell me there’s a real story here and that it gets better?

    9. Marion Ravenwood*

      I just finished The Essex Serpent, and I loved it. So many beautiful, brilliantly written passages, especially about things like female desire and dealing with the conflict of wanting to do your own thing and conform to what society expects of you. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting from the blurb on the back but I ended up really enjoying it.

      Next I’m finally going to finish The Stranger from the Sea, which means I can finally watch the new series of Poldark!

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m halfway through Dracula, and it goes slowly. 200 pages before we meet Van Helsing, and another 50 before the word ‘vampire’ is used without the word ‘bat’ after it.
      The casual sexism is painful. When Mina offers to tell Van Helsing all that happened to her & Lucy, Van Helsing asks if she has a memory for detail, because it is not often like that for women.
      The ultra-capable Mina is praised for being bold and clever, but then all the men decide she needs to be kept out of it because it would be too distressing for a woman.
      And the accents are distracting me. Van Helsing is brilliant but speaks broken English in a way I find more irritating than the old sailor who talks in dialect.
      I’ll make it though…

    11. VlookupsAreMyLife*

      Just finished up “What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About” edited by Michele Filgate. Highly recommend it but, be forewarned, it is chock full of triggers & feels!

      Next up is either another Bosch novel by Connelly or “An American Marriage” by Tayari Jones …depends which one the local library can snag for me first.

    12. Llellayena*

      I’m reading Kushiel’s Dart by Jaqueline Carey. I wouldn’t call it ‘modern’ as it’s set essentially in renaissance France, but definitely diverse and not heteronormative. I’m usually cautious about recommending it (though it is absolutely exceptional writing and story) because of the tenor of the romantic parts. My rule generally is that I will recommend it if someone says they read or saw 50 Shades of Grey and wasn’t put off by the subject. Kushiel’s Dart has very strong BDSM themes.

  25. Alors*

    Is it worth getting an ADHD diagnosis and how do you get one (in the UK)?
    I’ve always known I was problematically daydreamy, unpunctual, prone to procrastination, disorganised, forgetful and that time just will not stay in my grasp. I used to get a lot of “We know you’re a bright girl so you’re just not trying hard enough!”
    I just gave myself the label of ‘weird’ and played to my strengths: meeting tight deadlines, creativity, original thinking etc. Of course I had to figure out the other stuff too and at this point my coping methods more or less work. Post-It note to-do lists, fast paced work environments, strict routines, checking and double checking calendar stuff. Few people who have only just met me would believe how much I struggle because I give off this vibe of having it all together. I do know that my relative lack of professional success puzzles some people though, given my qualifications. I think people assume I’m not ambitious, which I’m not – the very idea exhausts me.
    I met some ADHD kids recently and underwent training on spotting and supporting their needs and it was a lightbulb moment. I might be just projecting though. Also, given that my coping mechanisms work, what would I get out of a diagnosis? The idea of taking medication does not thrill me but maybe I should keep an open mind?

    1. Princess Deviant*

      Go to your GP with this list of problems you’re having and how it’s impacting your day to day activities, then they’ll do a quick screening test (about 20 questions) and depending on the services you have available in your county, you’ll get referred on to another professional for a formal diagnosis.

      I don’t know if they also test for autism with ADHD, but they test for ADHD with autism. I’m still waiting for my ASD assessment.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Oh and with regards to treatment (for ASD) my GP basically said there was nothing for autistic adults available, I’d only have a diagnosis. But just having the diagnosis would make a difference to me. YMMV.

        1. Anonymous healthcare person*

          My older teen son has autism and I also work in related healthcare. There is treatment for adults with autism. In fact sometimes ADHD meds/strategies can help, depending on symptoms. Find a psychologist who works with adults with autism, check local autism organizations for options. There is a manual by Elizabeth Laugeson for adults with social skills issues, as another option – Google PEERS social skills training for this and videos/apps. And there is CBT for various autism difficulties too. Sometimes medications can be helpful too – psychiatrists specializing in autism would know, and psychologists who work with autism, although they don’t prescribe, often have reasonable knowledge on this and can make suggestions to GPs.

        2. Kuododi*

          I don’t have any experience with life in the UK however here in the US, having a formal dx can make or break qualifying for certain support resources. Additionally, if applying for disability benefits one needs the diagnosis to help document particular needs of the client.

    2. Oldster*

      Re: lightbulb moment. It is very common for a parent to realize the are ADHD when their child gets the diagnoses. So I doubt it’s projecting on your part.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      As an adult who was diagnosed with ADHD later in life, the diagnosis has helped tremendously. One thing I realized was that, yes, I was coping just fine without medication, but that it was possible that things could get better with it. So I tried meds and learned that, for me at least, they’ve made a huge difference and I’m glad I went that route. I’m on Adderall and it just makes all the little things I historically struggled with much, much easier. Not everyone with ADHD has to take meds, but I would keep an open mind and listen to what your doctor recommends.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      I found that getting diagnosed was helpful in several ways.

      1) I was able to completely give up all the time-wasting projects I spent years on, trying to “fix” my various “character flaws,” and instead redirect that energy into using tools that helped me get the external outcomes I wanted & needed.

      2) I found out about connections between other health issues I have, and some treatments that were helpful for the whole cluster. ADHD was a “missing link” that opened up different information about & modes of treatment for them.

      3) I chose to take medication, and it’s been very helpful. Not just in getting things done, but in my overall stress level. It took me so much effort to focus on things, and I had so much (justified, rational) anxiety about missing important stuff, that I was keyed up far more than I realized. The meds also reduce my tendency to sensory overload, so I can enjoy more activities that were too overwhelming or exhausting before.

      My process here in the States was pretty easy. I just talked to my GP, who sent me to a psychologist for assessment. That was basically a 50-minute talk session. The psychologist sent a report back to my GP, who recommended starting a low dose of slow-release Adderall, because it’s one of the best tolerated meds for adults, apparently. She said we could try others if that one didn’t work out, but I’ve been happy with it. I usually take at least 1 day off from meds every week, sometimes 2.

      I have heard that the process is more complex in the UK, and that there’s a higher standard of “impairment.” But that’s just what I’ve gleaned from discussion boards.

      This year, my GP stopped prescribing ADHD meds because the regulatory requirements were taking over her practice, so I had to find a specialist. He insisted on neuropsych testing to confirm my diagnosis. That was really interesting.

      I mean, the test was the opposite of interesting – it’s the world’s most boring & tedious video game, basically.

      But the results were interesting. Not only was I most definitely ADHD, but it broke down the different traits by comparison to my demographic group. For example, my attention span is borderline almost normal, but my impulsivity & hyperactivity are extremely high for a woman my age. Explains a lot.

    5. Alors*

      So interesting how a diagnosis was just the start for you all. Thanks everyone that’s really helped!

    6. Alexandra Lynch*

      A diagnosis gave me access to medication, which, while it is not a solution on its own, enables me to actually take all the coping mechanisms and things and make them work smoothly and easily to make my life better. It is the keystone to the arch.

  26. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

    So I recently started research my family tree with Ancestry.com and also FamlySearch.org! It’s been very interesting! Some mysteries to figure out too! I’ve been trying to untangle which person is actually related to me on my father’s side back a few generations – someone came over from Germany in the mid 1800s – had a two sons and on down the line to me! Anyone else researched their family trees on Ancestry? Does it feel like at some point you’re mostly guessing once you get back a few generations? You could be related to anyone! … I’ve managed to get a few death certificates from city archives but there is still so much I don’t know about them.

    My next step is figuring out how to get more information if that’s possible… like if I go to a library that has microfilms with reports and newspapers from that time period I wonder if I can find anything in those? Is it worth looking? Ancestry.com also has access to various newspapers but I’m not sure if there’s more that isn’t online…

    1. Mimblewimble*

      I recommend going to a state or local archive. They will have records that can help you in your search, such as court documents, land records, birth registries, military service records, and more. Search online first to see what archives may be useful, and then search the individual archives’ site for relevant collections. Ancestry gets a lot of its records from state archives, so there may be a citation on Ancestrt to indicate where they got the record. You can use that as a place to start, and then locate the archive online to see what else they may have.

      Ancestry usually sends a handful of volunteers once a year to copy records at archives, and the volunteers focus on one record type at a time, so there are many records still at these archives that aren’t available on Ancestry. It’s worth digging into.

      1. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

        I had emailed a local library that has microfilm records that might contain city records I’m looking for. I just need time to actually go there and do research. I didn’t realize Ancestry had “volunteers” copying the records – that explains a few things.

        1. Beaded Librarian*

          Some libraries will do limited genealogy research for a fee. Basically if you know you need x obituary or y article and it should be around z date they will try and find it and then send you back the information after payment.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Depending on how much work you want to put into your search, you could seek out a professional genealogist – perhaps via a local library or historical society? A friend of mine got into professional genealogy over the last few years, and has told me about the different databases available; some can be accessed by the general public but others are restricted. (I’ve also heard some fun – and occasionally frustrating – stories about mistaken identities, family trees full of people with the same names, ancestors whose actual marriage data wasn’t quite what had come down through the family anecdotes…)

      I did some of my own amateur research years ago, and enjoyed the process of trying to fill in the blanks, but I quickly realized that there were limits to how hard I wanted to work at it. But between libraries, historical societies, a few family-genealogy books that relatives owned, and some online searching, I came up with quite a few entertaining connections.

      1. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

        Mistaken identities are interesting – someone else made a tree of their own a while ago with a link to a person they thought was the son of someone in my tree with the same name — turns out they were mistaken and I can prove it. Oops.

        But yeah —my dad’s father’s family is pretty straightforward – one or two children down the line. On the other hand my dad’s mom’s family is a huge and sprawling lot … Several children in each generation before my grandmother. and then there’s my mom’s family – again many children on both sides for generations back. And other people have done their own trees in each — hopefully well researched but there’s only so much you can figure out after a certain point.

        1. Gaia*

          Bad information is wildly common on Ancestry and not just on the trees. My rule of thumb is if I can’t see the scan of the document – at minimum – I don’t accept it as fact. Transcribed indexes have been really really wrong in some cases. And “family history” stories are problematic for a lot of reasons (ask me about my great grandfather who our entire family swears was 14 when his dad left for South America and then ggfather was a stow away and snuck into America but in reality he came here at 18 on paid passage and was a orphan who never knew his parents).

    3. Blarg*

      A lot of newspapers are archived and searchable online, or at least indexed. I found out the single most amazing thing about my family from a 1925 newspaper article. I have a great grandma who was a true bad ass, but she apparently never told anyone.

      Watch old episodes of genealogy shows for tips and tricks (long lost family is practically an ad for ancestry, but the show does offer clues to using its database; who do you think you are? and finding your roots both demonstrate search techniques for various countries — unlikely you’ll get to just fly off to some other part of the world, but it helps to know what’s out there).

      Some databases such as ancestry can be used for free on site at national archives, or pieces may be free based on residency.

      For me, I’m most interested in the most recent couple generations cause there’s been a lot of dysfunction and inconsistent stories, so even just getting my own grandfather’s death certificate (which arrived yesterday) was illuminating for what it did and didn’t say.

      Good luck. And remember that DNA is a whole other can of worms to open, before you go down that road. :)

      1. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

        Yep been looking – on my father’s side I’ve been looking the specific “thing” they were known for making in newspapers – we thought they had a shop or something at some point but maybe not – or it was very briefly and I’m just not hitting the right time period. At some point that thing fell away to another thing that we do know about and have plenty of sorceress for locating – it’s the shift I haven’t pointed down yet (okay I might have made that too vague).

        1. fposte*

          Depending on where and when, have you looked in old phone books/city directories? They used to list everybody they could find alongside their professions. Listing was sufficiently casual that one relative is in there under three different names.

    4. Asenath*

      Oh, this is a total obsession of mine and one of my sisters! I tend to take the big and sprawling approach, largely because when I get frustrated with the lack of documentation in my direct line, I can go over to some distant cousins and dabble happily in expanding that branch of my tree. So much depends on where and when your ancestors lived. My paternal family is pretty well documents – a couple of my relatives on that side were really good researchers, and the family lived in an area of New England with good records. My maternal family mostly landed in Newfoundland, and the records there, when you get back to the late 1700s to the early 1800s have, um, gaps. Lots of gaps. And all the surnames and first names are similar and repeat over the generations, which can get frustrating, although probably not as frustrating as the gaps. Or they move to the US – usually New England, but sometimes New York City. There are a LOT of Millers (the branch I’m chasing now) in New York City, and with a name and a date that they might have emigrated – or might have just visited Auntie Jane – it’s hard to sort out the right ones.
      Newspapers can be useful, and some of our local ones haven’t been entirely scanned for online access or even indexed – which tends to be done by amateurs who don’t have the time to get everything. There are sites that do have a lot of scanned and indexed newspapers. At certain periods, if your family could manage it, it was common to publish detailed obituaries and engagement, marriage and birth announcements, complete with names of relations, and often their hometowns. I love those. If one of your relatives was so unfortunate as to die in an accident that was famous at the time, you can often get newspaper reports on the accident including lists of the victims and the names of those who contributed to help the widows and orphans. There are lots and lots of options, and once you know where your relatives lived, you can check local government sources, genealogy societies, and even cemeteries for information that Ancestry doesn’t have yet.

      1. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

        Yeah – My dad’s father’s side is basically a simple line of decedents top to bottom – only one male child that survived long enough to have kids all the way down from the mid-1800s …. NYC is in fact where most of them were born, lived and died once my relative came over from Germany – I need to see if I can figure out more information about his life prior to coming to the US — I THINK I figured out his parents names but I’m not 100% sure of anything for him… I can’t even pin down his wife’s last name and her actual age – there are two options depending on where I look – a grave that might be hers and a census report that gives an entirely different age – but I know people can say anything when they do those reports….

        My father’s mother’s family and my mom’s family on both sides on the other hand has multiple kids all the way back to the American Revolutionary War…. There’s so so many….a vast and sprawling lot from all over… I might keep poking backwards and see where they came from before that too.

        1. Asenath*

          There are times when I wondered if they hired illiterates to take the census information! Still, it’s mostly good info, and sometimes a missing person shows up as an adopted child or a grandchild or a niece in some relative’s listing. I discovered only today that I had the wrong parents for someone from a census report. My original mistake was probably due to there being too many men born about the same time with the same name. Then I came across the census report. George, head of household, fine. Maria – got her right, second wife of George; I’d confirmed first wife’s death and the second marriage. No resident children; not surprising at their age. And Esther, mother of George. Only MY mother of George wasn’t named Esther! I had George attached to completely the wrong parents. And it’s not the first time I’ve done something like that.

    5. MMB*

      The Morman church has a massive collection of genealogical and historical information that is available to the public. I did a bunch of research years ago and they were a great resource. Neither you nor you ancestors have to have any connection to the LDS church.

      1. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

        Yes that appears to be who runs the FamilySearch.org website that I’ve been working on. That site is trickier to work with but I have found more information that I couldn’t find on Ancestry for a couple people so far. It looks like some of their collection was transferred over to one of my local libraries so I’ll be checking the out at some point too.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          Anyone can alter your information on FamilySearch. One woman wiped out many hours of my work, then emailed me with “Oops! Could you just re-enter your information?” Uh, no. Lesson learned. Other people on FamilySearch have altered my work with wrong dates and crazy info. I can’t keep guarding my research from bad entries.
          Verify other people’s info before adding it to your own and quote your sources. If you put your genealogy online, make sure others can’t alter it. It’s still a great hobby, though!

          1. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

            Yikes… Yeah, I’m not using that one as my primary tree creation – I’ll keep that on Ancestry.com – which seems to be easier to control as long as you don’t add all of someone eles’s tree … I’m just using FamilySearch to see what records might exist that don’t already exist on ancestry.com …

          2. Asenath*

            I used Family Tree mainly for sources that Ancestry didn’t have – most of my information isn’t there. I found it a bit disconcerting that everyone was basically editing a big common tree – especially when I spotted errors. Ancestry has more controls over who can edit a tree. And now they have a lot of the records I needed Family Tree for.

    6. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Be wary of info posted on the trees of random people on Ancestry. I have found blatant bad info on two of my Dad’s lines, and I have paper to prove it.
      Many of the LDS stake centers have a “family history” room. Computers with subscriptions to various online sources, and people to help you. You don’t need to be a member of the church, but they are staffed by volunteers and have irregular hours. Check first to find out their schedule.

      1. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

        Yep – I mentioned in another comment that’s exactly what’s already happened. Someone else’s tree has someone THEY are related to but is not actually someone in my tree – the person with the same name in my tried died without any children, their relative is someone else entirely.

      2. Asenath*

        Oh, yes, I’ve come across some really blatant mistakes in the public trees – although I’ve “met” some good researchers online too. Women giving birth long before puberty (doing so after menopause often means that the youngest child was actually born to one of the older daughters and informally adopted by the grandparents. Letting the autofill put in the name of a place that is not only in another province, but in an area with, as far as I can make out, absolutely no connection to the person or family that supposedly lived there. And so on. I only use the public trees (unless they’re from someone I trust) to get information that I then verify myself.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      No. I won’t give my DNA to those companies.

      There are huge privacy concerns, as well as the fact that they’re not all that accurate, especially in terms of potential health conditions, for which you’re better off going through your doctor’s office. This article details some of that: https://www.cnbc.com/2018/06/16/5-biggest-risks-of-sharing-dna-with-consumer-genetic-testing-companies.html

      I mean, seriously, they’re for-profit companies. The more people who do it, the more money they make, and there’s no real incentive to be responsible about it.

      2. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

        But relevant! LOL! I am actually debating whether or not to do the whole DNA thing …

        1. Wicked Witch of the West*

          My brother did it several years ago, and I did earlier this year. There were really no surprises, other than me having a small percentage of Swedish and Norwegian. Vikings I guess, we have lots of English, Scots, and Irish. Haven’t attempted to get in touch with any of my matches. There’s really only one strand I’m interested in and can’t tell if any of them are on it.

    8. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Oh I love genealogy. I am descended from Frost Giants! Though my Viking ancestors were maybe more interested in an awesome story than citing their sources. :)

      It’s fun learning about the heroes and villains we come from. Also fun finding out that random historical characters are 50th cousins or something.

    9. Ancestry Anon*

      Going anon for reasons that will become apparent…

      So, my parents got themselves and my sibling and me DNA kits last year. Eventually we all did them. A number of second and third cousins came up as matches (last names when used check out). So did a first degree relationship with a person using an anonymized username. That person reached out to all of us to figure out why. Turns out, he’s my mother’s half brother. Mom and her siblings had no idea and apparently neither did this guy, who is between my mom and the next sibling in age. It’s a legit connection, his mother (now deceased) had photos of my mom’s parents standing with her at her house (grandpa is holding the baby – him) and a holiday card signed by them (including my mom’s name, she would also have been a baby).

      My best guess is that this guy’s parents were neighbors of my grandparents, grandpa and guy’s mom had a fling around the time that the other couple moved away to a neighboring state, baby was born, the families lost touch, and no one was the wiser on his actual parentage. Until now.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      One of my cousins’ wife got into genealogy a few years back. She made a lot of entries on Ancestry(dot)com.

      Based on the information I know directly for close relatives, anything she got right was probably accidental.

      My father’s birth and death dates are pretty easy to verify. Even if we hadn’t celebrated his birthday every year, I have his birth certificate. Nor is it likely that I will misremember when he died my senior year. She got both wrong, After I gave her the information. In writing.

      Okay, he wasn’t on her side of the family. But she put my maternal grandfather (her husband’s great-uncle) about ten years younger than he really was. Another cousin pointed out some more errors, but I couldn’t confirm. If valid, those were real howlers, too.

      So, I might look at Ancestry for a starting place, but I would take all the information with a whole shaker of salt. Sounds like your family should be traceable through census records, if they’ve been here for 150 years or so.

    11. JS*

      What will really benefit your research is finding documented information such as marriage licenses, birth and death certificates, land deeds, military records etc., that are all official records. Other people’s research is a good starting point, but official, legal documentation is factual. The easiest way to start is with yourself and then go back from there. State departments of vital statics and census records are excellent sources for information, as are state archives. Genealogy research is a consuming hobby!

  27. iamtheallspoon*

    Pokemon go – I’ve recently got back into it after several years away, and things have changed from what I remember. How do raid battles work? Are they pointless if I don’t know anyone to play with? And gyms, are they pointless if I’m still relatively low powered? My top Pokemon is only 1500 cp, and I used up all my revives, so should I just skip that until I’m a higher level? It seems like all the ones near me have at least one Pokemon around 3000, which I never have a hope of beating.

    A while back I remember people here were exchanging friend codes, does anyone still want to do that? Mine 8967 7149 6083, and I’m in salt lake city, if that matters.

    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      You may need to be selective about raids. Sometimes I do little ones with a friend from work but haven’t bothered with the big ones. However, I am currently just jumping in to some and then exiting to get credit for having done it for the special goals.
      Getting friends and sharing gifts will get you lots of revives and whatnot.
      I’ve just sent a request to you. :)

      1. Honey Bee*

        I am relatively new to Pokémon Go but I love it. I’ve been playing it for approximately two months. I have a highly stressful and demanding job working with children and their families (I’m a therapist), that I love. It’s fun for me to have something enjoyable to do as I commute back and forth to work. I stop at gyms and poke-stops along the way, as time allows.

        I have not done any raids yet as I am waiting for a relative to return from being out-of-town to help me. I did participate in a Community Day last week and it was tons of fun. I plan to send you a friend request. I also plan to look back a few weeks ago on a Saturday thread and send friend requests to those AAM members as well.

        I’ve been faithfully reading AAM for at least two years. I love it. I’ve learned so much. I am very grateful to Alison and the community.

        I feel that Pokémon Go, AAM, and Gwynnie Bee are my hobbies. It’s exciting to me to be finally posting on AAM, first of all, but to be talking about one of my favorite pastimes is especially exciting.

      2. Shiny Swampert*

        Hard disagree about being selective about raids! I do a lot of 1-2 star raids in my own. There are a lot of Pokémon you can’t get except from raids, and the xp boost from completing the raid+registering new Pokémon is useful. I find that when I’m in town if I turn up to the beginning of any 5* raid (or 3-4 for that matter) there will 99% of the time be enough people to do it. Sometimes I greet people who are also clearly playing, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they talk back, sometimes they don’t :) at the very least I usually say thank you after finishing.

        Also you may not know but if you encounter a shiny after a raid, it’s a guaranteed catch, as long as you get it into the ball!

    2. Book Lover*

      You can easily do level 1-2 raids alone and if you have decent counters you can do some level 3 also (not now with what you have though). They are worth it – fun and decent rewards and you can get some Pokémon that are not available otherwise (alolan raichou, Mawile, and so on).

      If you see an opening in a gym, throw something in there. If you have low level Pokémon then only attack gyms where the little hearts by each Pokémon are mostly black until you have some stronger Pokémon.

      Check Facebook for local groups to raid with, and discord. If you see a legendary raid and see people are fighting, then jump in and also ask whether you can join whatever group they are in.

      For now, focus on hatching eggs – you will want to get larvitar and gible to evolve and power up. If you see cranidos out and about then grab those for evolving.

      Check out reddit silph road for more info.

    3. Book Lover*

      I wrote another message that is in moderation but just wanted to add – do the jump start quest. You should have a dragonite at the end, which is helpful.

    4. TL -*

      Generally there’s Pokemon Go communities on Facebook and Discord where people coordinate raids if you want to do higher level ones – you don’t have to know people, just show up, say hi, raid (usually 5 minutes) and then leave. It’s actually a really great mini-break for me.
      Throw any Pokemon you want into a gym – worse that happens is it gets kicked out after a few minutes. Revives are usually easy to come by in a city but you can also let your Pokemon stay fainted.

      Save any July/August 2016 Pokemon. Older Pokemon have some benefits if you decide to start trading at some point.

    5. Shiny Swampert*

      How do raid battles work? Are they pointless if I don’t know anyone to play with?
      Basically, just go into the raid and tappy-tap-tap until your little fingers fall off :) the 1 and 2 star raids you will probably be fine doing them on your own, or maybe with one other person. Totally go into raids with other people. Next weekend will be suicune raid day – I highly suggest you find out where your local people will be starting and stick a lucky egg on, I was out for the last one and did 8 raids I think, that’s quite an XP boost and there will be so many people that you’ll have no problem winning (presuming you can get somewhere popular – last time I saw a crowd of around 80 people on my way to meet a friend, and there were around 100 people where we were -so plenty of people for everyone to win.

      And gyms, are they pointless if I’m still relatively low powered? My top Pokemon is only 1500 cp, and I used up all my revives, so should I just skip that until I’m a higher level?
      Pro tip: stick in anything at all. I usually just put in one of my most recently caught Pokémon and if it’s naff, when it comes back I just transfer it, I don’t revive it at all. To knock a Pokémon out of a gym it will usually take 3 battles anyway, and when you’re trying to knock out a 14CP pichu and it takes 3 goes it’s frustrating anyway :)

      It seems like all the ones near me have at least one Pokemon around 3000, which I never have a hope of beating.
      If the gym is full, I usually battle the first, then exit, then battle the first two again, then exit, then knock them out and then battle the rest. Sometimes people will restore the Pokémon who are there and doing it this way makes it harder for them. It’s DEFINITELY worth putting Pokémon in gyms as it’s your only way of getting free in game coins.

      You didn’t ask about this, but are you appraising your Pokémon? Don’t just go off CP – they can have a really high CP but really terrible stats. A 10CP 4* Pokémon can be powered up to something amazing. A 3500 0* Pokémon can’t be improved. (And a 4* Pokémon has three stars when you appraise it but goes pink instead of orange. You can search for 0* through to 4*. You can also search shiny and other things I can’t think of right now.)

      1. Cruciatus*

        In addition to the CP stuff Shiny Swampert mentioned, I have an Android and use PokeGenie (which is free) to check the IV level. It takes a screenshot of the Pokemon’s stats and will say “90% Excellent! or 4% Terrible. But now that Team Rocket is part of the game, PokeGenie can’t read those Pokemon’s stats because they are different than the regular Pokemon. However, the game recently revamped their appraisal system. So before you transfer your Pokemon, appraise them in the individual Pokemon’s screen. If you have only 1 star items, unless the CP is high you can toss, if you have 2 or 3 star items you probably want to keep those for now as you build up your Pokemon. And if you have good Pokemon, over time you use the stardust and candies to power them up so eventually you might have a 3000+ CP Pokemon–this will improve anyway as you move up in the game. If you’re trying to beat level 3000 when they have full life in the gym, yeah, that might be hard, but over time their stats go down, making it easier to kick them out.

        Gyms aren’t pointless. You want to start collecting coins. If you manage to stay in a gym for 8 hours and 20 minutes you get the max of 50 coins for the day (which you can use to buy incubators, lucky eggs, increase how many Pokemon your bag has, or how many items you can carry, etc.) So throw what you have in there. Otherwise, you get 1 coin for every 10 minutes. And you can defend yourself in a gym (feed yourself berries, Golden Razz giving you completely full life again) even if you’re no longer at that gym. Or even nearby.

        You should probably be able to do at least 1 star raids on your own. I’m level 40 (thank you, thank you, just happened recently), but even I can’t beat a lot of the 3 star gyms, and definitely nothing above that so far. Just start playing the game and you’ll get used to all these new features. I think they’ve improved the game. I’ve learned a lot playing in a local campus where lots of people come to play, especially on community days. They have taught me some things so I’m still improving in the game, even at level 40.

      2. Shiny Swampert*

        Been playing and thought of a load of other stuff.
        If you’re embarrassed about putting low CP Pokémon into gyms (and seriously, don’t be!) make sure you get out on community days and catch shinies. Most of my shiny Pokémon are low CP and generally not very good but people are always impressed by shinies gyms, and by people, I mean me ;)

        Make real-life friends and use lucky eggs for going ultra and best friends. The CP boost can level you up pretty quickly. And even when you’re best friends, oh my god, keep sending gifts, because when you get lucky friends with someone you can find a Pokémon you both have really bad versions of and trade them. I’ve made a good few of my terrible shinies into good ones like that.

        And also, battle your friends! It’s a good way to get sinnoh stones which you’ll need for some of the evolutions.

    6. curly sue*

      A lot of folks have already posted the answers I was going to, but I’ll chime in anyway! The raids can definitely be worthwhile even at low levels.

      The raids are categorized as 1- through 5-head raids, and those are difficulty levels. If you see the eggs before the raid starts, then it’s easier – pink eggs (levels 1 and 2) are ones you can probably do on your own. Yellow eggs (levels 3 and 4) can be done alone or with two people once you’re at higher levels with string pokemon of the right type, but right now don’t try them without a couple of friends. Purple eggs are 5-head and the most difficult, but the pokemon you can catch at the end are the most powerful out there, and really worth it. Those you’ll need to do with a group. Some people make teams very carefully at very high levels and can knock out a level-5 with two people, but the rest of us usually need four or more.

      It sounds like you’re asking about battling gyms rather than putting in pokemon, and I’d say yes, they’re absolutely worth it. The store has lots of useful things like extra bag space to carry more revives, as well as incubators to help you hatch good eggs. The best pokemon from eggs are coming from 10k eggs and the 7k eggs you get from gifts (right now there’s a special event happening and the gift eggs are 2k eggs, but hatch the pokemon usually found in 7k ones). Look for a gym which has a black heart floating by it on the world map – that means the pokemon inside it are really weak right now and you can probably take them out. The longer a pokemon sits in a gym, the weaker it gets.

      Catch everything you can, even the junk. You can use stardust to power up your pokemon and make them stronger. CP is the general overall measure of worth, but things like stats (from appraisals) and level make a huge difference. The usual suggestion is don’t spend stardust on anything until you’re at level 30 — that’s when you’ll see the strongest wild pokemon and have a better chance of getting ones that won’t cost as much stardust to level up.

      If you have any pokemon in your account from the summer of 2016, keep them! They’re valuable for trades, and can give you guaranteed lucky pokemon if you trade them (more powerful, on average, and cost less stardust and candy to power up).

      I’ll send you a friend request in a second!

    7. Hrovitnir*

      Oo, welcome back! I have sent you a friend request. As mentioned, friendship level ups are worth SO MUCH XP, and it’s definitely worth using a lucky egg when you get to ultra and best friends if you can.

      Do drop your Pokemon in gyms; a fun fact I didn’t see on skimming the replies is that if you’re out of revives but have candy/stardust you can power up your Pokemon and it will be revived (though still need a potion).

      Re: raids, assuming it’s the same elsewhere, for high tier raids you can get in a group usually by turning up in high traffic areas JUST when the raid starts. That’s how I do 5th tier raids most of the time – turn up exactly when it hatches, in town, and you’ll generally get enough people. Below level 32 or so in high level raids your Pokemon will get wrecked, but with a handful of higher level Pokemon you’ll still catch the raid boss! Do Google raid boss weaknesses, because appropriate type attacks get rapidly more important in raids.

      Friends really help with this too if you can get anyone in your area – you get a boost to your attacks in raids, plus best friends get an additional *6* balls to catch the raid boss at the end, which you can definitely need for 5th tier! I have only done it once, but getting on a raid train via your local discord/facebook group is amazing for XP. When they have special raid days and every gym is a 5th tier raid you can do 10+ raids in a row for 10,000 XP a shot (20,000 with a lucky egg), and if there are new shinies you have a really good chance of getting at least one!

      I’ve recently reached level 40, and while I have a long way to go to get perfect teams (high IV maxed out Pokemon with good attacks), it’s amazing how much XP becoming worthless does lower your motivation. But I’m sticking with it!

      1. Hrovitnir*

        *I meant to say with a handful of higher level PLAYERS you’ll still catch the raid boss. You just need your group to win, and most 5th tier raids only need 5-8 high level players, not the 17 or whatever they say. And when there’s a new release you usually get full lobbies every time anyway.

    8. LGC*

      Ooh!

      First of all – you actually have a really good shot at soloing a 1-star raid right now. That’s because of a couple of things:
      – You have type advantages. PoGo ‘mons use the same typing as the main games, and although the advantages are weaker (1.25x modifiers as opposed to 2x in the main games, immunities don’t exist and are just converted to resistances), they still exist and stack. Yes, that includes STAB as well.
      – You also have a team of six Pokemon to work with. So you can load up on Charizards against a Mawile, for example.

      A 2-star might be more difficult, and a 3-star or higher might require friends. So, with a bit of forethought (basically, with a well-typed team with decent attacks), you should be pretty successful!

      To put it in context – most of the ‘mons I do battle with are in the low-mid 2000s CP range. (I’m lazy about upgrading my teams.) I can usually defeat a 1-star raid with 1 Pokemon, and I might need two to take down a 2-star. I’ve struggled a bit with 3-star raids, but I think part of that is that I haven’t really practiced raids.

      For gyms – basically, it’s more worth it to hop in a gym, I think. It’s easier to take down a gym overall, but it’s harder to knock individual Pokemon out now. More importantly, you get much faster rewards for holding a gym – up to 50 coins for being in a gym 24 hours (although you don’t get any bonus for being in a gym longer than that, I don’t think). Around me, it seems like people put varying Pokemon in gyms, which is nice. Part of that is forced, but different gyms have different Pokemon in them.

      1. Blue Horizon*

        Eventually you figure out that what you put in gyms matters very little, and people start having fun with it. Players where I live like to look for themes in gym deployments and run with it, so you’ll see gyms of all flying Pokemon, all the same color, all ‘baby’ Pokemon, all different evolutions of Eevee, and so on. The best ones get screenshotted and saved for posterity.

    9. iamtheallspoon*

      Thank you all do much for the advice! It was/is very helpful especially with giving me perspective on raids.

  28. Website recommendations*

    Hi. Anyone have any website recommendations? Would like to expand from news (cnn, Washington post, etc) and read some more lifestyle stuff. I like The Cut. Slate is okay but looking for less politics. Something like a better written Refinery29 would be nice. Thanks.

    2. Even Steven*

      You might like Medium dot com – lots of terrific authors post regular articles on a broad range of subjects. And regardless of your age, there is a neat articles page on the AARP site called The Girlfriend that has interesting lifestyle articles. I’m a guy and I like it. :) Also, Lifehacker dot com is a heat mishmash of lifestyle, finance, tech, etc.

      1. Flavia de Luce*

        +1000, so many interesting, well-written articles and you can search by keyword/topic!

    4. Kate R. Pillar*

      Cup of Jo seems to cover many of the same topics that Refinery29 does, and I like many of their posts.

  29. peanut*

    Underpants – does anyone have recommendations for everyday underpants? For 20 years, I wore Hanes (the modern brief cut) but the package I just bought is terrible because the quality has dropped noticeably, and they also ride up because there isn’t enough elastic anymore around the legs.

    At this point, I’d be willing to pay huge amounts of money just for something that fits and will stay put, but no one seems to really make the style I want (not high cut on the legs, full coverage on the butt, and going to an inch or two below the belly bottom). I don’t do thongs or bikinis, hipsters are usually too low on my belly, and I’ve never tried boyshorts but they look too low on the belly even if I wasn’t worried about my legs getting too hot. “Full coverage” briefs go up too high and cover my belly button.

    Any suggestions? I’ve googled “best underwear women” and “women’s briefs”, looked at countless lists and even bought some underwear that I hated. I’ve run out of ideas except to maybe learn to sew and make my own!!!

    1. Fran*

      I like to shop from Oysho. They are cotton but still cute. I get them online since they have no shop where I live now.

      1. MinotJ*

        Seconded! I took advantage of one of their sales to try out several styles. I found my favorite and stocked up.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        And their stuff tends to last a good while, in my experience. Which is lovely, because after I ordered a ten-set of my favorite style of underwear from them two years ago, they discontinued it. Just like everyone else has. (If anyone has a hookup for reasonably priced plain black cotton string bikini briefs that are not also thongs, please do tell. I would like to have underwear that is less than two years old, and most of it is three or four times that.)

    3. fposte*

      Oh, I hate it when a long-term fave stops working. I constantly fear for my bra model.

      I don’t think there’s an easy answer when you’re talking something with a bunch of different characteristics that could all go wrong. However, what you’re talking about is less a fashion brief than a function brief, if you will, so I looked at Target online and saw several different Jockey and Fruit of the Loom items that seemed to fit what you’re talking about (though obviously I can’t tell the caliber of the elastic from browsing). Maybe have a look and if you see anything you like make a Target run to check elastic?

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I have two styles of Jockey briefs and I think the quality is really good. The only downside to me is that the leg and waist seams on both styles are relatively thick, so you do have the risk of VPL (visible panty line).

        My current favorites for fit, softness, and smooth lines are Splendid (at Costco) but they are pretty high rise.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      I’m so peeved about the Hanes. I do sew and I’m going to make a pair of Floozy-doozies underpants (downloadable pattern) as soon as my stash of underpants dies. I hate the loose booty elastic. I’m a little tempted to try just zigzagging a little fold-over elastic over the under-elasticized part of the new Hanes and see if that works.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      I just bit the bullet and bought men’s briefs. Interestprint had some nice ones that I’m super happy with, but I’m not sure you’re looking for rubber duck underwear…

    7. Adara*

      MeUndies! So soft and comfy and they stay put! They have tons of styles and they come in fun colors and patterns. meundies.com

      1. Courageous cat*

        That price is fucking tragic for 1 pair of underwear though :( A shame because I’ve heard they’re good

    8. NicoleK*

      I’ve been happy with Fruit of the Loom Low Rise Briefs. The low-rise briefs feature a moderate rise and full seat coverage. The only downside is that they don’t come in white.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Unfortunately the quality is inconsistent — my last pack, the elastic has been unravelling.

    9. Nerdgal*

      I love my Soma panties. I think they are called invisible edge. Comfortable, no panty line. I won’t buy anything else.

      1. Can’t Sit Still*

        Seconding TomboyX. They’re expensive, but the multipacks are cheaper than buying individually. I really like the 4.5” trunks. They have just enough coverage, over the butt and under the belly button. And no elastic on the legs.

        The long johns and pajamas are great, too. Pajama shorts with pockets! I admit that I bought everything with the dinosaur print.

    12. Not My Money*

      Duluth Trading Company – got some for my husband from them and he liked them so much I got some for myself.

    13. IAmOnlyInItForThePoetry*

      Soma!

      Their underwear is perfect – doesn’t ride up, full coverage (hipster style)
      And it is a good price when on sale – 7 for 37 or 6 for 36

    15. The Other Dawn*

      I like the Jockey Elance French-cut underwear. Full coverage in the back, a higher cut on the leg and about an inch or two below the belly button. Very comfortable.

    16. The night begins to shine*

      Meundies.com; first time I ever bought something advertised on a podcast (thanks Savage Love!) I got two pairs of women’s bikini cut and they are super comfy and stay in place.

    17. Sara(h)*

      I like the ones from Target, the ones you buy by the each from the bins; they are about $5 or five for $20. A lot of them are synthetic, but I look for the ones that are cotton and with lace edging which is great for pantylines-prevention — it doesn’t cut into the skin like elastic and is more comfortable. I also like their mesh undies with cotton liners. Personally, I like their hipster style, but maybe they have another cut that will work for you. And returnable! I have tried them on over other underwear at home, so that I am comfortable returning them knowing they are still clean and unworn.

    19. Steve*

      What you describe seems very familiar, except that I wear Jockey brand (another popular one so hopefully it’s easy for you to find in your part of the world). I haven’t bought any in a year or two so hopefully their quality hasn’t changed.

    20. AnonForUnderwear*

      They *are* pricey, but I’ve been buying Hanro. I try to get them on sale. Because I’ve moved cities since I bought them, I can date some of them as 5-6 years old, and by line-drying them as instructed (which I thought was unbearably fussy at first), they seem almost new.

    21. peanut*

      Many thanks to everyone for their suggestions! You’ve given me a good list to start researching. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a new brand before my old Hanes finally give out.

  30. DNA surprise*

    Has anyone taken a DNA test and been surprised by the result? My in laws took them as a family and it turns out there is a previously unknown half sibling out there. (A weekend of fun 40 years ago and the mother didn’t contact the father when she found out she was pregnant). The sibling has reached out and it has been so many emotions.

    1. Blarg*

      There was a surprise first cousin marriage on the dear prudence podcast last week…

      It can certainly be fun, or valuable, but also open doors no one expected. Or wanted. And you aren’t just opening your own doors, but your whole family’s, known or unknown.

    2. Augusta has gone East*

      I took a DNA test a while ago and found no immediate relatives so no surprises there. Based on the cousins who pop up, I suspect there’s a connection to another country 3-5 generations back that we are unaware of but I’ll need to research that.

      Have you seen 40: A Documentary About My Family Secret by Gaby Dunn? It’s on YouTube (link in reply). She’s a YouTuber, but this film’s quite different from her YT show and podcasts. The first part focuses on her dad meeting his dad as an adult because his mom had moved away with him. In the second part, we see the aftermath of a DNA test and a new relative.

    3. Come On Eileen*

      I was listening to this week’s episode of the Dear Prudence podcast, and a woman wrote in because she and her husband took one of those tests as a fun gift for his birthday. They found out that they’re cousins. It’s a super interesting listen! In the end, they weren’t so much concerned about being related as they were about the fact that there was likely infidelity in their families of origin.

    4. Asenath*

      Not a big surprise. There’s definitely a previously-unknown relative out there, probably a maternal first cousin, and we thought we knew all the cousins on that side, including another unofficial one. We (my sister and I) have decided to be patient and wait to see if he wants to contact us, which he hasn’t done yet. All potential parents except one are now dead, and I don’t want to bring this up out of the blue with that one, particularly with no more information than I have. Anyway, given how much that relative has talked about the past, I can’t believe there’s a never-mentioned child out there (another one, we know of one from that relative). So he’s got to be the child of someone else from the same family…I’m really curious, but respecting his privacy.

    5. Raena*

      We just found out that my grandfather (my dad’s father) was illegitimate. He has passed away so we have no way of knowing if he knew this or not but we’re fascinated because his biological father was 100% Ashkenazi Jewish. When our results started coming back we were baffled. My dad is still struggling a bit to come to terms that his last name and his paternal ancestry basically aren’t his. We have found relatives who also share this great-grandfather so we’re still trying to get to the bottom of the situation!

    6. OperaArt*

      I posted a few months ago about a surprise first cousin. At 62 years old, she learned that her dad was not her biological father. Rather her bio father was one of my uncles. We had all Used Ancestry DNA.

    7. Clever Name*

      A friend of mine did the dna test and found out that his father wasn’t his biological father. and his bio dad wants nothing to do with him. :(

      1. Asenath*

        That happens. Long before DNA, I knew someone who lived in the same small town as his biological father, and they knew who each other were, but had no contact. He always said that his dad (the man who married his mother when he was very young and raised him as his own) was his real father, and didn’t seem to worry to much about the man who didn’t acknowledge him.

    8. Mr. Deluxe*

      So my family was on the other end of the surprise. My dad was adopted and we found his birth mother and half-siblings on both sides through Ancestry DNA (through second cousins). It has been a journey because originally his birth mother denied knowing anything and we assumed her sister must have been the birth mother, but she eventually wrote to my dad on his 70th birthday and they were able to meet. Not all of his half-siblings are interested in being in contact, but I think my dad is happy with having the connections he had.

    9. LCL*

      Not yet. I’m waiting until my mom passes. I’m fairly certain my dad has other grown children, and that news would wreck my mom.

      1. Ali G*

        My siblings and I won’t do it as long as my dad’s brother is alive. We are pretty sure their father is not my dad’s bio dad. I am too afraid if that was found out my uncle would challenge my dad’s part of the inheritance they received when their stepmom passed a few years ago.
        I would never want to bring that to my family so my curiosity will have to go unfulfilled for a while.

    10. Researching my Family tree - Ancestry.com / Genealogy*

      Posted above about researching my family tree and I am sort of debating doing it…. we know somewhere back in my father’s family there was someone who had an affair before/during/after his marriage … multiple rumors about that whole state of affairs (including he took his mistress off to another country to live but based on what I’ve found far I think that part might not have happened at least not completely) and it would be interesting to see if anything pops up from THAT whole thing…

      BUT there are also risks about doing DNA tests so it might not be worth it anyway.

    11. Sleepless*

      My brother solved a 100 year old family mystery when several cousins popped up in a region of the country where we have absolutely no connection. My great-grandmother had never told a soul who her son’s father was. It turned out he impregnated my great-grandmother and shortly afterward, hopped on a train to the opposite corner of the country and changed his name. The relatives in question were vaguely interested to learn of our existence but that was it. It gave our family lots to talk about, though.

    12. Fishsticks*

      Less so surprised since my mom took one and she had been adopted so she was trying to find her birth family. (Which she did!) But it’s been hard for the birth family since even though some of them knew about my mom, it’s still difficult to wrap your head around it.

    13. Ancestry Anon*

      Shoot, this would have been the more relevant place to reply! I posted above that our family did DNA testing and my mom found out she and her siblings have a surprise half-brother, who did not know this either. All of the parents have since passed on and it’s entirely possible that none of them knew for certain (though obvs my grandfather and this guy’s mom must have known there was a risk).

      Mom and siblings haven’t really figure out how to feel or what to do, if anything. Half-brother hasn’t asked for anything either, like meeting up or other family details, I think he was just trying to figure out if it was a mistaken connection (very unlikely given other details).

    14. Anon For This One*

      Not really, but it has caused some unexpected drama within the family. People are now divided about – get this – whether the French side came from northern France or southern Belgium. They definitely came from that small region – right around the France/Belgium border. Oral history says they came from France. So do church records. But the DNA test said we’re Belgian so now some family members are saying, “We’re not actually French. We’re Belgian.” Uh HUH . . .

      And we got the “part Jewish” result, which has caused more of a reaction than I had expected (a positive one, but I don’t think it’s a solid reason to suddenly identify with a whole religion and culture, given the science behind the tests – who knows if we really have any Jewish ancestors or not).

      I have to keep explaining to everyone how the tests actually work, and how it shouldn’t be taken too literally. Probability and statistics and all that good stuff.

    15. Joie De Vivre*

      The closest “surprise” DNA results for me have been 2nd cousins. One of them was adopted, I was able to tell him who his biological grandparents were – I don’t know which of their sons is my match’s bio father. I let my match know about a particular health issue that runs in that branch of the family.

    16. big X*

      Friend of mine was contacted by a previously unknown half-sister. Half-sister was very keen to connect, my friend…not so much. It’s been agonizing for her because she doesn’t want to be rude since it was very emotional for the half-sister & feels like there should be something but at the same time, she doesn’t care to invest the time to meet this, in her words, “absolute stranger.”

      These tests are very odd to me as people switch up their life-long identity because a piece of paper says your 25% XYZ. However, lots of closure has come out from them so with oddness comes the good.

  31. Flying Ghoti*

    I’m looking for recommendations for work pants. (Hope this is not too work-related, but I figured it’s more shopping/fashion.) I would like to find straight or skinny leg slacks with functional pockets. (Possibly a unicorn, lol.) My biggest hangup is that they must have belt loops and front pockets that are situated underneath the front belt loops, the way jeans typically do. I have my work ID and keys on a clip, and I like to be able to clip it to my belt loop and then tuck the keys into my pocket to keep them from jangling. If they have back pockets large enough to slip a phone into, that would be a big plus. Basically, I’m looking for something with the pocket setup of jeans in a dressier fabric. I used to get Drew fit pants from the Limited, which met most of these requirements, but sadly they are gone.

    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I am so darned frustrated about the pocket thing that I am plotting to make a phone sized pocket with maybe a clip like the functional part of a money clip so I can just tuck it into the inside of my pants. Might cover the clip with black fabric for discretion.

      But would love to hear ideas for a 16W pants-needing human who HATES shopping for pants! Especially non-black ones that aren’t capris or weird.

      1. WellRed*

        Following. So sick of capris and the dreaded pixie pants. I’d love some good quality comfy pants. Also, need some length to them! 32 inch inseam is not long enough and I’m an average height 5’5″.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      Well, if you find pants with a good pocket, you could sew a small D-ring above the pocket on a loop of matching ribbon and not worry about the belt loop. Does that broaden your options?

    3. Llellayena*

      Lee All Day Pant. I get the at Boscov’s but that’s a northeast coast chain so you might not have one near you. Very comfy, large pockets oriented like jeans. The only thing ‘missing’ is the ‘5th pocket’ as compared to jeans. I also put my life in pockets and I clip my phone to the pocket edge, so the jeans cut pockets are critical for me.

    4. Usually Lurks*

      Strong second to looking at Lee. I have several pairs of their Tailored Chinos* that are my work staple. HUGE front pockets, my Pixel XL fits in there (altho that’s not a comfortable way to carry it really), belt loops, welt pockets on the back. They come in Petite as well which is key for me. Now that I know my size I can just order them directly from Lee online.

      I’ve also got a couple other pairs that are slightly dressier fabric that are cut very similarly, not sure what the style name is but they have the Flex Motion waistband which I love (they do that on jeans too which is great).

      *I remember coming late to the discussion a few months back when the question was “who uses the word ‘chino’ and I my though was ‘most of my work pants call themselves chinos!'”

    5. Eva and Me*

      Since you know exactly what you like, you can look at ThredUp to see if they have the Drew pants you like. I’ve found some of my favorites that way once J. Crew stopped making them.

      1. Flying Ghoti*

        I haven’t had much luck with Thredup in the past. Even “new with tags” items seem to fall apart after a couple of washings.

    6. university minion*

      Cintas (the uniform company) Cathy fit. Their sizing runs a little on the small side, but they’re comfortable, have pockets that go on forever and wear really well. You can buy them online now (rather than just through an employer that uses Cintas).

        1. university minion*

          Yep! I left my manufacturing job 3 years ago and still wear those pants at my office job from time to time. They haven’t faded at all and with the right top, they don’t read “work pants” even though I could totally do heavy work in them.

    7. Kathenus*

      I’ve mentioned these before, but over the past two years I have been completely in love with Eddie Bauer pants – there are a variety to try – for me it’s the First Ascent Guide Pro pants. I also need belt loops and pockets for similar reasons but also need a belt for other gear. When I first discovered them I didn’t like that there were no back pockets (there are side zipper pockets instead), but I found that the side pockets worked great for cell phone and other stuff, so it hasn’t been an issue.

      I work in an industry that’s active, but I also spend a lot of time in an office, so these are both comfortable for when I need to be outdoors working actively, and look good for meetings and such. And if you get on their email list, there are always sales going on.

      1. Flying Ghoti*

        Thanks! These would be perfect if not for the logo right on the middle of the thigh. They look like great pants though! I might get a pair for weekend wear.

    8. HannahS*

      Ooh, gap’s girlfriend chinos are pretty great. Real pockets large enough for a phone, belt-loops, straight cut. Only downside is that they aren’t stretch, so you sometimes need a belt (or at least, I do) because the waist tends to stretch out over the course of a day. I have five or six pairs in different colours.

  32. Concerned Cat Lover*

    Had both my cats in for teeth cleaning 3 days ago (16 & 11 year old males) and both are eating much less than normal.

    Anyone else experience this with your cats post cleaning? My initial thoughts are either anesthesia or sore gums. If they don’t start eating more, it’s back to the vet.

    Most worried about Ziggy since he is getting up there in years.

    1. Stitch*

      My cat had a really rough time recovering from anesthesia after having more teeth out (I am not 100% sure how old he is but about 14ish). He’d had teeth out a couple years ago and didn’t have this reaction so the change can come on fast. He was fine within a week, though. I wouldn’t stress it yet.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      We had to soak the dry kibble in water so they could eat.

      Also, the anesthesia can be brutal. Laverne has a heart murmur and we probably shouldn’t have even had hers done, but the cat cardiologist (yes, that is actually a thing) said it was OK. But then after the procedure, the vet kept Laverne for extra monitoring and then told us that Laverne should never have elective anesthesia again.

    3. cat socks*

      Are they on any antibiotics or other meds? That could be affecting their appetite. After my older girl had a dental last year they had her on gabapentin as part of her recovery. She had kidney disease and the dosage was a bit too high and caused her to be more sedate than normal.

      Three days is still pretty early so I would give it a little more time. My cats like when I sprinkle FortiFlora on their wet food. Something like that might encourage them to eat. Mirtazapine is used as an appetite stimulant so that could be an option as well.

      Hope things get back to normal soon!

      1. Adlib*

        Oh gosh, my eye vet just gave our cat gabapentin to calm him for visits, and it was too much and I was enraged on them not being more careful with dosage. He stresses so badly with visits that we now do a home vet visit or will give him very, very small amounts. I just hated seeing him like that.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      Were any teeth pulled? That can be sore for several days to a week. My vet gave us some pain killers for Winston last time. At 14, he has very few teeth left, but still chows down on dry kibble enthusiastically.

      If it was just the cleaning, the anesthesia seems more likely. Like people, some cats have nausea from anesthetics, which could leave them less eager to eat. (Think about the last time you barfed – did you want a big meal afterward?) Are they as alert and active as usual?

      As long as they’re eating some, and drinking as usual, I would give it a few more days. In hot weather, I give my senior cat “cat broth” to encourage more water consumption.

  33. Mimosa Jones*

    Anyone have any advice on trying to fade hair dye? I got my hair colored on Thursday and it is way, way too dark. Previously, I had a combination of highlights and lowlights in a mid-range that were only about 5 weeks old, but I didn’t like the amount of grey showing and they felt too light (and I was anxious about traveling for a big vacation) and so I asked for something darker, close to my original hair color of medium-dark brown. Because I have a lot of grey in some areas, we had to go very dark (level 6). The roots have permanent color and the rest has demi permanent to blend. It’s not bad, but it is so very dark! It seems more like a level 7 and my stylist said it would look more like a 5. I’d like to just tone it down and fade it a bit. I leave for vacation on Monday, my stylist has no more openings, this fix was already slightly off-budget and I don’t want to make things worse. I’ve already washed it 3 times with my normal shampoo and I was considering either using a clarifying shampoo a few times and/or using a hot oil treatment. But I’m nervous since I have two different types of dye on my head and I don’t want to remove one more than the other. And I wouldn’t want it to work too well and strip off the old highlights as well. Any advice?

    On the plus side, this has made me realize that I take out my pre-travel stress on my hair. This is an annual trip home to see family and friends and trying to schedule time for everyone always raises my anxiety level. But I do this even for small trips and big tourist vacations. As though everyone will be silently judging if my hair isn’t what I expect it to be… or I’m trying to control what I can. I’m a strong people pleaser so it’s tough not to worry about what people think. Maybe making this trip with this hair will help? And I feel like I look old and am apparently trying to fix it by going back to the hair of my youth. I’m waffling about letting my hair go grey, but I’m not quite ready. But I have so much in some areas that the upkeep is getting pretty expensive. What really keeps me from doing it is that the transition stage of highlights and low lights makes my hair too light for my complexion and my mental image of myself. But this may be the event that pushes me over. Meanwhile, I think I’ll make a personal rule that I can’t schedule hair appointments less than a month before any travel.

    2. Talk talk*

      When I had a similar snafu, my hairdresser recommended washing with Dawn dish soap. (I don’t know why Dawn is so magical- it’s also the preferred detergent when deskunking a dog.) She said to be sure to condition it heavily afterwards.

      2. tamarack and fireweed*

        I’m pretty sure the only thing that is magical about Dawn is that it’s a known product that is *nothing but* a basic, good quality dish soap. A large number of other brands work just as well, but if you want to give a recommendation and say “any good dish soap”, you don’t want the other person to end up with a product that for some reason has extra ingredients in it (“for softer hands”, “contains Jojoba oil”, “with coconut essence”…) that reduce the effectiveness. Also, some super-cheap brands have a watered-down feel. If this was Germany, you’d get a recommendation for Pril – same thing.

    3. londonedit*

      Apparently Head & Shoulders is meant to strip out hair dye. You can also buy specific dye removers, but those can end up giving you a very odd hair colour – they’re designed more for stripping out colour so you can dye again.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Prell, or baby shampoo. Google “the shampoo train.”

      Lather up, and let it sit a bit. Rinse out. Repeat every 1/2 hour or so until it lightens a bit. the demi should come off pretty fast. The permanent will take a bit more.

      You have to condition it significantly, though, because you are really roughing up the cuticle and drying it out.

      1. Accidental Itenerate Teacher*

        I second this.
        Every time I dye my hair my hairdresser reminds me to only wash it in cool/cold water because hot will fade it faster.

    6. Anon Librarian*

      There are products that remove dye from hair. Salons use them. The term for it is slipping my mind. But just like there is dye, there is a dye-removing product. So you can get it done professionally, or just google how it’s done and find the product online.

    7. TechWorker*

      When I dyed my hair a bright colour (that was supposed to last 6 weeks and lasted more like a year as it clung to previously blonde highlights..) I tried washing with baking soda on the advice of The Internet. I think it had no effect whatsoever unfortunately… I would recommend washing it normally and trying to get used to it..

      I also found ages ago that when my hair dye came out darker than expected the main thing that made it look ‘better’ was buying a new eyebrow pencil that matched, it somehow made it all look a bit more natural! Idk if that would be useful but something to consider in the short term.

    8. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’ve heard that making a masque with vitamin c and leaving it on for a while (consult the interwebz for better instructions) can lighten hair, but I don’t know how that would work with the two different types of dye.

  34. Agent J*

    Looking for some positivity…

    What’s something great or a win you had this week? Doesn’t matter if it’s small or big.

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      Cuddling with bunnies has been fantastic. Our female bun, Sugar, loves being groomed with this rubber grooming tool we got.

    3. Come On Eileen*

      My 45-year-old sister had her first baby! Made our parents (74 year old mom and 80 year old dad) grandparents for the first time :-)

    4. WellRed*

      This is really dumb but, I’ve been wanting to go back to a lighter, reddish blond haircolor ( it was getting too auburn brown). Stylist would have done this muy expensive, multi process thing, because ” that’s how it has to be done.” Clairol Nice n Easy took 30.minutes, cost $8. Win!

    5. CoffeeforLife*

      I finally started painting the rest of my kitchen cabinets this week. I’m a perfectionist and I procrastinate tasks that I fear I’ll fail with. This was a huge win for me. It 1000% looks better -not professional, but I’m going to learn to be ok with that.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Ooo, share the recipe? I love tacos & I love lentils, but I haven’t found a way to make them play nicely together.

        1. JediSquirrel*

          I just boil one cup of green or brown lentils until tender, then drain them well. I sauté some bell pepper and onions, add some Spice Islands taco seasoning (about 3 tbs), some additional cumin and garlic powder, and stir for a minute or two for the seasonings to bloom. I pour in the lentils, 1 8-oz can of tomato sauce, one can of water, and bring it all to a boil. I then turn it down to a simmer, run a potato masher through it five or six times, and let it simmer until the sauce is thickened.

          You can mash them more or less to get the texture you like. Also, the lentils really soak up flavor, so you can use whatever seasonings you like.

          I hope this works for you. You may have to adjust how long you cook the lentils initially. I usually leave them just this side of fully tender. Also, instead of taco seasonings, you just throw in a can of sloppy Joe sauce and serve it on a bun. Very yummy! I really don’t miss the meat in these.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            This sounds good. I tried a tofu taco crumble recipe not too long ago and that was extremely yummy. I love lentils, so I’ll give this one a go also.

            1. JediSquirrel*

              I kind of based it off Isa Chandra’s ancho lentil taco recipes. She has lots of great vegan recipes!

    7. Super (Awkward) Kitten*

      I got the most amazing night’s sleep last night. I mean, the best. I had to skip an event yesterday to make it happen and I fretted about that but I can confidently say it was 100% worth it.

    8. Laura H.*

      A literal “oh, there’s a door” moment in my video game the realization of which allowed me to beat the mission.

    9. MsChanandlerBong*

      I found out yesterday that I am getting a $6,200 raise!! (It was totally unexpected, and I actually just started applying to other jobs b/c I haven’t had ANY raise in three years–not even a couple of cents as a cost-of-living adjustment–so it was a wonderful surprise). To avoid making this work-related, I will say that I am thrilled because I should be able to pay off two ambulance bills and make a dent in one of my big hospital bills, plus pay off four or five small debts, by 12/31 now that I will have extra money. I think I am going to do my budget with my old paycheck amount and then any extra will go right to debt/savings. Our car is eight years old, so if I’m smart, I’ll also start putting away money for its eventual replacement (although the car only has 83K miles on it, so I am hoping to get another five or six years out of it at least). If I can just keep myself out of the hospital and put a stop to the flow of medical bills, I’ll be sitting pretty one of these days.

      1. caffe latte and chocolate*

        Good luck with the car. I kept my last one until it was 17, and the only reason I got rid of it right then was because of a knee problem that I could no longer drive standard.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Thank you! Seems to be okay now–turns out it had a bad PCV valve. It cost about $150 to fix (valve + oil change), so not too bad in the grand scheme of things.

    10. The Messy Headed Momma*

      I signed up for a fly fishing clinic! I am really bad at doing stuff just for me so this was a big step!!

    11. Not putting my usual name on this*

      I dyed my hair bright pink. It is super awesome. Not getting as many stranger-compliments as I did with turquoise and purple so far, but getting way more friend-compliments. I feel very punk :)

      Also I got a nice compliment/reassurance in work from my line manager.

      1. IT Squirrel*

        Oooo can I ask what hair dye you use and how well it lasts? I’ve started getting more adventurous with my hair but so far it’s been a black/brown-base purple and a black/brown-base red and I really fancy going brighter!

        1. Shiny Swampert*

          I go to the hairdressers to get it done. She thoroughly bleaches it first. I can ask next time I’m there and report back but it won’t be for a few weeks :)

          I love having bright hair so much. It brightens my day every time I look in the mirror and I get random compliments from strangers :) definitely recommend!

          1. IT Squirrel*

            I thought bleach might well be involved…that’s what stopped me going super bright so far, I just can’t bring myself to do that to my hair or wallet. I might have to stick to bright wigs for special occasions and my regular dye for every day (which I can eke out to 3 months with careful washing and colour refreshing treatment!)

            1. Shiny Swampert*

              My hair is really short so I can get away with the bleach, I don’t have to live with the damage too long. Bright wigs sounds like an excellent idea.

    13. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I won a prize in our local libraries adult reading contest! I don’t know what it is yet, but Whoot!

    14. Pam*

      I’m back to work after 4 months off. One of my former students/now alumni stopped by to tell me how much he appreciated my advising.

    15. A teacher*

      I had a big win at the place we don’t talk about, and also went to two very fulfilling cultural events after not doing that kind of thing for a while. It reminded me that I should do it more often :)

    16. Not So NewReader*

      A friend had eye surgery. There was risk involved. After one week she could see more out of that eye than she has in years. I was so happy for her *I* almost cried.

    17. Sleepless*

      I’ve had a huge amount of mental clarity the last couple of weeks! It’s pretty great and I hope it lasts for a bit.

      At work, I suddenly got the hang of a technical process I’ve always had some trouble with-say getting a knot out of the llama’s coat just right.

      Outside of work, I finally bought a kayak after wanting one for years. I’ve taken it out on the major waterway near my house twice and I love it.

    18. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I said to hell with the physical therapist and went to the chiropractor for my pelvis problem that just kept getting worse. 80 minutes later and I was walking again using my actual big leg muscles for the first time in literally weeks.

    19. MatKnifeNinja*

      I went on a four day vaycay with my niece and we played Pokemon Go. That may sound not like much, but many 15 tear olds wouldn’t be caught dead roaming around with a 55 year old aunt.

      We did other fun stuff like swimming. It was nice to have 4 days of no stress.

    21. Trixie*

      My mom is nearby but still a drive. We meet halfway when we can for lunch, and today’s lunch was the first in a while. Looking forward to living closer to her for weekly dinners or movies.

    22. Koala dreams*

      I saw two small foxes playing by the river tonight. It’s the first time I’ve seen foxes in the wild.

    23. very grateful person*

      When we find a house we both approve of, we’ll be able to pay cash for it, thanks to a big inheritance.

    25. Marion Ravenwood*

      My review is going to be on a poster!

      So as I’ve mentioned before I have a side gig writing for an entertainment website – mostly music reviews and interviews for blues/folk/country artists. Last week I reviewed the new Teskey Brothers (Australian blues band) album, and on Friday I found out from the PR that my quote is going to be on billboards all over London promoting the record! I’ve been away this weekend so haven’t seen one ‘in the wild’ yet but this is the first time this has happened for me and I am super-stoked about it.

    26. Raia*

      Super ridiculously small – not a routine person but this week I did my dishes regularly before they took over my whole counter and made me stressed out. In general I was pleased with how my new plan of doing chores during the week gives me the ability to be even more lazy on the weekend!
      Next on the docket – go to bed at midnight or earlier and keep up with above routines

  35. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

    I am so darned frustrated about the pocket thing that I am plotting to make a phone sized pocket with maybe a clip like the functional part of a money clip so I can just tuck it into the inside of my pants. Might cover the clip with black fabric for discretion.

    But would love to hear ideas for a 16W pants-needing human who HATES shopping for pants! Especially non-black ones that aren’t capris or weird.

    1. Kathenus*

      I mentioned Eddie Bauer pants above, and just did a quick check and they have a bunch in your size. If you find a style that fits, then you can do online ordering when there are sales. That’s what I did. I found a style I really liked, and since then have gotten more if needed online because I know they fit. I only re-discovered Eddie Bauer a couple of years ago and now they are an indispensable part of my wardrobe.

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      We need to make external pockets a thing again! Women back in the 18th century used to wear a separate pocket or two that tied around the waist and were accessed through a slit in the pleats of their skirt. Obviously modern skirts aren’t full enough hide them any more, but we could totally wear them on the outside. Couldn’t something like this be cute? http://www.nationaltrustcollections.org.uk/object/1350100

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t want another overpriced accessory. I want actual pockets! Like men have!

        That is really cute, though.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Bra pocket might be an option as well? I hate the lack of pockets in women’s pants.

  36. bassclefchick*

    I need some help from the hive mind, please!! My doctor said my A1C (blood sugar) is just at the point of being too high. He said with diet and exercise, I can bring it back down. I’ve got the exercise part. I’m paying more attention to how many steps I get in the day and changing other small things. But, I REALLY struggle with changing what to eat. I’m trying to cut back the empty calories, but where can I find good information for nutrition for someone that doesn’t have full blown diabetes and still wants to bring their blood sugar down? Thanks!!

    1. Blarg*

      Maybe try the other direction: focus less on cutting out and more on adding. Add in high fiber carbs (beans!), veggies, and unsweetened beverages. Frame it not as “I cut out x processed food,” but rather “I added this awesome summer salad to my rotation.” A1C is an indicator of patterns, not a moment in time, so give yourself the opportunity to develop new patterns. Best wishes!

      1. StarHunter*

        Check out nutrition facts dot org. Has some great info about eating more of a plant based diet and how that can help your health. And Blarg’s idea to add rather than cut I think is helpful. I slowly started adding more healthful choices to my diet and then I found it much easier then to cut the unhealthier ones. I also enjoyed learning how to cook more whole plant based foods. Lots of fun experimenting with different spices and flavors. Good luck!

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      Honestly, look at the American Diabetes Association Web site and use their dietary guidelines just as if you DID have diabetes. Depending on what your diet is like now, you might also make a lot of progress with Weight Watchers. And if your doctor is part of a bigger medical group they may be able to refer you to a prediabetes class or shared medical appointment.

    3. Anon in IL*

      In addition to changing my diet, I have found time-restricted eating helpful. I stop eating at 7pm and don’t eat breakfast until 9am.

    4. Best cat in the world*

      I started Slimming World a few weeks ago, and it’s given me the boot I needed to reduce the rubbish I’m eating and replace it with healthy stuff. My fruit and veg intake has increased massively and I’m reaching for better snacks. My bread intake has gone down as well.

      Maybe that’s something you can use to help you? Not the weight loss program bit but the little switches. Introduce them gradually if that helps.
      For instance I found melon great instead of ice lollies when it was really hot as it was cold and rehydrating (not cut the ice cream out completely, but just reduced it). I’ve reduced the sugar in my tea and switched to a healthier breakfast cereal. And I’ve tailored the salads I make to what I like, not what a salad ‘should’ contain.
      By adding the fruit and veg in, I’ve found myself reaching for those instead of sweet stuff a lot more. Obviously, fruit still contains a lot of sugar so take that into account depending on what you actually need to alter with your diet.
      Good luck!

    5. Gift of GABA*

      I highly recommend the website Skinnytaste! Gina has a lot of recipes that are healthier takes on many comfort foods and her recipes have also helped me try new flavors and foods that I previously thought I wouldn’t like. My favorite part of her website is that you can filter by dietary preference or recipe type (keto, gluten-free, vegetarian, kid-friendly, recipes under 30 min, slow cooker recipes, air fryer recipes, etc.) and you can also search by ingredients to help find new recipes to use up things you may already have. I second that you should look at the American Diabetes Association website to look at their dietary guidelines (they may even have separate ones for the pre-diabetic stage but if not it’s perfectly fine to follow the guidelines as if you were in the diabetic stage). Skinnytaste has all of the nutritional information available so it’s easy to find recipes that will fit into those guidelines but honestly I have family members that use her recipes all the time without trying to follow any specific guidelines and have seen great success in simply making the switch to a healthier lifestyle and maintaining it.

    6. ArtK*

      I’ve been, and still am, in your shoes. Pre-diabetic for quite some time. I did cross over but now am back to the pre-diabetic stage. You can certainly follow diet advice given to diabetics. Increasing my physical activity was the biggest thing for me. I have a love/hate relationship with my FitBit, but it really has helped keep my weight down and my A1c as well.

      Drastic diet changes rarely work. Do things incrementally, as suggested by Blarg and others. Sometimes a simple substitution will work very well. I switched from full-sugar sodas to water, unsweetened iced tea and the occasional diet soda. I will have a regular soda, perhaps once per month. I wasn’t a regular water drinker, but getting a SodaStream allows me to make something sparkling which is more appealing. A small amount of flavoring (tonic syrups) can help, too. That takes care of my craving in that area.

      1. bassclefchick*

        I totally understand the love/hate relationship with the FitBit! We FINALLY got a bottle filler on our floor at work, so it’s going to be much easier to get water. I’m starting there.

    7. Mimosa Jones*

      Here’s an easy thing you can do today: eat your simple carbs last. So if dinner is steak, salad and rice, eat the rice last. And if you take seconds, take seconds of the protein and veg first and then starch if you’re still hungry. You’ll end up eating less without feeling deprived. Another thing to try is to eat more slowly and stop when you’re satisfied instead of full.

      Make sure each meal and snack includes sugars, protein, fat, and starch. So add some peanut butter and crackers to your snack of an apple. Balanced meals and snacks will provide more sustained energy with a smoother transition between parts. The sugar energy comes first and as it starts to decline, the starch’s energy is ramping up, followed by protein and then fat.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Cut out liquid calories completely – juice, soda, sweetened coffee/tea is a great way to reduce your blood sugar spikes. I drink unsweetened coffee and tea, flavored seltzer, iced tea, spa water, only occasional red wine no cocktails.

    9. AcademiaNut*

      I’ve been trying to improve my eating as I hit middle age, for similar reasons, and what I’ve found is working well is reducing random snacking, and cutting back on refined carbohydrates (which also cuts down on total calories) So things like

      – swap complex carbs for refined (brown rice or whole grains vs white rice and pasta, or have lentils or beans as the ‘starchy’ component of a meal)
      – cut the total amount of carbs (take half the amount of pasta/rice/bread I would normally do, eat more vegetables instead, avoid dishes that are mostly starch)
      – cut out sweet drinks (including juices) in favour of fizzy water, unsweetened iced tea, etc.
      – train myself to snack less. The first couple of weeks were hard, but it got much easier with practice.

      Also not going overboard. I still enjoy treats, just not as often, or in smaller quantities, and am more likely to get the good stuff.

      If you want to google stuff, try searching about glycemic index. That can give you an idea of the type of foods that tend to spike blood sugar, and can help you plan meals that your body digests more slowly.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Oh, and I don’t count calories and don’t own a scale, but in four months after starting the above routine, I went down a full pant size, which was a nice perk.

    10. bassclefchick*

      Thanks for the help! I had been very close to a major weight goal and then life got in the way and I’ve gained too much weight in the last three years. So, I know I can do this. I just need a nudge!

    12. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I would definitely start with controlling the empty calories suggestions here – the liquid calories, the night time snacking. Try not to change too many things at once, but add something (small) and new every week or two weeks or when you think you have got the hang of it as a routine. For example, a few weeks ago I added “drink a glass of water before morning coffee” and now I don’t even think about it in the morning.

      I would also suggest looking at the Whole 30 diet but NOT do it for the whole time. I’ve found that when I stick with it for 3 or 4 days as a reset that all of a sudden everything with sugar looks blah, Im not actually really as hungry as I thought, and I start craving veggies and fruit. But I would do that after getting the low hanging fruit (ha!) taken care of above. Little cuts here and there add up!

    13. Christy*

      What I did for a similar reason (insulin resistance messing up my hormones) was cut out starches and sugar entirely. No grains, no potatoes (), no fruit other than berries, no corn, no beans, etc. And I don’t restrict my eating in any other way. Like, do I want chicken wings four times in a week? Then I eat them. I’ve adapted to sugar free chocolate and ice cream.

      Advantages of this? I can eat whatever I want, within these limits. I am no longer having the, ahem, digestive issues I’ve apparently had for a year at least. I’ve lost the 20 lbs of depression weight I gained last summer. And when I’ve made the choice to indulge in sugar, I’ve felt terrible, so it’s pretty self-sustaining. Oh, and my hormone levels are where they need to be again.

      To be clear it’s a huge change and it’s a pain in the butt to not be able to eat bread. But the wholesale change has been easier, I think, than when I’ve tried piecemeal small changes.

    14. Ron McDon*

      My cousin was warned he is pre-diabetic recently, his blood sugar levels were right on the limit.

      He has since lost nearly 4 stones from following slimming world strictly for four days a week, then eating what he wants (within reason!) on the other 3 days.

      I lost 3.5 stone myself about 2 years ago, and have kept it off (all but the half stone which comes and goes over each month!) in a similar way. I eat low calorie, low sugar, low carb, as unprocessed as possible Monday-Friday, then eat what I want on the weekend, but sensibly (so if we’re eating out for dinner I’ll eat ‘free’ foods all day then eat/drink what I like at dinner).

      It’s all about finding a way of eating healthily *forever* that you can stick to. I am a binge eater, so I don’t allow myself any ‘treats’ Monday-Friday, because I know it is likely to trigger a binge. Then at the weekend I eat a small portion of crisps/chocolate/whatever, and remind myself that I don’t want to eat a load of junk because I’ve worked so hard all week to make good choices.

      It works for me, you have to find what works for you. Good luck.

    15. Anono-me*

      Read labels. Sometimes similar items have very different nutritional levels. (For example, I switched bread and saved 35 calories a slice. )

    16. epi*

      Get your doctor to refer you to a nutritionist.

      They will work with you on this exact stuff– figuring out what about your diet can be improved given your actual life including your taste, your health, your priorities. Honestly, it should have been a no brainier for your doctor to just do this if diet and exercise is the strategy for right now (which it should be!). My husband has a similar situation to yours and has made real improvements without torturing himself, all thanks to the nutritionist. She even gives him advice about frozen food, snacks, eating out, strategies to find new favorite treats that are healthier.

      You can also still look at diabetic cooking resources– there are lots– and relax some of the requirements that don’t seem right to you. I also highly, highly recommend Cooking Light. Their summer issues are always amazing and we have multiple favorite meals from them that do not feel like diet food– we even serve some to guests. They have great, usually not faddish, tips and their website has a pretty helpful weekly meal and shopping planner.

      Good luck! Remember you are just starting to learn and experiment with what you want your lifestyle to be now, so give yourself time to make it all work. (And let yourself get bored and change things sometimes too.) The best change you can make is one you will stick with!

    17. Tara R.*

      I’ve struggled SO MUCH with sugar addiction. I know that cold turkey is generally not the suggestion when it comes to dietary choices, but I decided enough was enough and went a few weeks without any added sugar except one square of 70% chocolate a day. I ate as much fruit as I wanted to help with the cravings. I’ve since relaxed, but I try to just not keep anything sugary in the house– if I want a treat, I have to go out and get it. That keeps things mostly under control, although I do start to slip again from time to time.

  37. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Slightly health TMI…

    On the week I start my period, I notice my immune system in weaker (past instances involve conjunctivitis, or a cold, pink eye). How do I boost my immune system? Is this a thing?

    Currently, my right eye is pink, swollen like eye strain, and hurts when I blink. It started 1 week ago when period started and got worse (pain when I wake up). I’m thinking it’s hormonal? PMDD?

    Similar experiences anyone?

    1. fposte*

      I think it sounds like the dry eye problem you’ve had before, and you may have a little corneal abrasion. Maybe secretions vary a little throughout the cycle.

    2. Book Lover*

      It sounds like you should see an eye doctor. Eye pain isn’t good. Agree that it could be dry eye/abrasion but honestly you never know. Definitely don’t wear contacts until it is resolved.

    3. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      My mom and sister have similar eye symptoms, they have two separate conditions that require prescription eye drops to keep their eyes properly lubricated. I second visiting an eye doctor, benign eye irritation can actually be a disorder.

    4. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Went to urgent care, now on an antibiotic eye ointment and told to keep glasses on.

      Guess this means darkness & podcasts instead of sunny Vegan Fest ;(((((

      …Need ideas of fun things to do while stuck at the apt :/

    5. AlaskaBlue*

      The entire time I was in high school, each time I got my period, I got sick. Every month like clockwork. Cold, flu, strep throat, whatever was going around. My mom was also a 1st grade teacher, so that could’ve been a source of germs, but she rarely got sick.

      So yes, I have experienced a weekend immune system timed to my cycle. I don’t recall anything terrible at colloge, and I didn’t go on the BC pill until 25 when I started working as a field scientist.

      In life overall personally, I find I get sick less often when everything is going well: job stress is minimal/I’m happy at work, I’m maintaining a moderate activity level, I’m eating all the food groups but especially lots of veggies & fruit, my personal life is happy and I see friends often, my home is to my liking. When all those stars alighn, I feel great. There was a year I didn’t get sick at all, arounf my 38th year. I keep trying to replicate that year. :)

    6. Shiny Swampert*

      This is unlikely, but one of my friends has an auto immune syndrome called Sjogren’s syndrome, which affects eyes. It’s unlikely that it’s that, but I think she’s mentioned her cycle affecting it, so it might be worth getting your doctor to check for it, if you think the symptoms look like what you’re having.

  38. WellRed*

    My 3 year old Samsung galaxy’s battery life seems to be dwindling, like witjin 5 to 6 hours. I don’t have tons of apps/photos/files that would drain it. Is this just typical? Anything I can do? Second, if I get a new phone, are some of the lower end phones decent? I really can’t stomache paying several hundred dollars for another phone. TIA.

    1. fposte*

      It might also work just to get a new battery. With iPhones you can check what percentage of battery is getting used–can you do that on the Samsung? While apparently batteries aren’t that hard to DIY, I paid a local computer shop to replace mine and I think it was like $70 for service and battery.

      1. Short & Sweet*

        My older Samsung (maybe 5 years ago) allowed you to swap out the battery really easily, no “installation” required. I just shut it down, popped off the cover, and swapped the battery. I don’t know if they’re still like that, but it was very convenient. I bought and external battery charger (that came with a battery) and simply swapped out the uncharged battery for the charged one.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m not sure what’s typical for that phone, but I’ve been very happy with my LG X Charge — it was around $100 but the battery life is amazing and it does what I need. The cameras are never as good on the cheaper phones, though.

      I’m eyeing a Nokia 3.1 Plus for my next phone (I’ve cracked the screen on this one).

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      How much do you rely on getting notifications from apps? If you don’t care about immediately responding to email or social media, you can probably put it on a high battery saver mode, but what that means is that the operating system shuts down apps while you’re not actively using it. You can always check it, and at that point it’ll fetch new notifications. Assuming yours is on the same version as mine, go to Settings>Device Maintenance>Battery and you can change it to a more restrictive mode. You can also customize that, if you want to spend the time allowing or restricting only certain apps.

      BatteryBot is a good free battery monitor. It will show you the top battery-draining apps in order, which looks like a setting screen but I can’t find it in Settings, so I think it’s provided by BatteryBot.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Oh, but decreasing battery capacity is pretty normal, unfortunately. It may be too late, but the “fast charging” feature that they added actually is bad for the long-term battery life, as it stresses and heats up the battery. I went to Settings>Advanced Features>Accessories and turned off Fast Wireless Charging when I first got the phone, because when I put it on its wireless cradle at night I don’t NEED it to charge quickly. When my battery is running low I plug it in, so I left fast charging on for wired charging (in Battery above, tap the three dots and choose Advanced Settings to access the Fast cable charging setting, and Fast wireless charging is there, too).

      2. WellRed*

        Battery saver mode looks like it wants to dim brightness, which I don’t want. I did delete a couple apps. It says battery is 69%, but I don’t know what that means. Hmm, will keep playing around.

      3. jDC*

        Agree. An Apple employee taught me long ago to turn off WiFi when i leave home and Bluetooth when I get out of the car. It’s just automatic for me now although I sometimes leave WiFi on as my car has WiFi. With a 16 year old we use tons of data.

    4. Asenath*

      It could just be that that the battery is worn out. I had that happen with a different brand. Since I liked the phone a lot, and wasn’t inclined to try to replace a battery not designed to be replaced by the consumer, I had it replaced by a company working out of a kiosk in a local mall. It wasn’t that expensive, and the phone worked fine with a new battery. The place I went to would either put in a battery you supplied (but then guarantee only the installation and not the new battery) or order in a new battery, in which case their guarantee covered battery and installation.

    5. Cruciatus*

      I just replaced my Galaxy S7 that I had just over 3 years–I think this is normal. There is some sort of battery saver feature that will help but I just got used to charging mine in the middle of the day to make sure I had enough to get home. I just bit the bullet to buy the S10e and it’s SO WONDERFUL to remember I can get through an entire day on 1 charge. I paid $350, which is a lot, but I’m very happy with my Samsungs so I’m willing to pay (though I waited until the price was as low as possible). And this probably doesn’t help, but most places now have monthly plans so you don’t have to pay it all at once. You could also look into buying an S9 (or older model of any brand) now that the S10s are out. My S7 sat in a snow bank for 3 days after being accidentally plowed–I did sit in in rice for a day but it came back working just as well as ever so I’m pretty much a Samsung loyalist now.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        We did this with both of our Samsungs. It’s pretty easy, and way cheaper than a new phone.

    7. LGC*

      Yeah, that’s actually expected (unfortunately)! Basically, phone batteries degrade over time, and although you can control it somewhat, it’s inevitable. Famously, iPhone batteries would degrade and then the phone would get throttled in software updates to make the battery last longer, so people joked that Apple was degrading phones to get you to upgrade. (And it turns out this was kind of the truth!)

      In your case: Your phone’s battery has 69% of the maximum capacity it had in the factory, so if it was a 3000 mAh battery out of the box, it’s around 2070 now. That’s…not great. My iPhone (about the same age) has 75% of its battery life, and it got flagged for service after it went below 80%. L

      You can have the battery replaced, which might cost a little bit of money. (Probably in the $50-$100 range. I’m not familiar with Samsung pricing, and what Galaxy you have – an S-series will probably be more expensive than an A-series, but cheaper than a Note-series.) If you want a new phone – a $400 or so Android phone might do everything you need. From what I’ve heard, it starts getting sketchier when you get below $200 or so.

      Asenath actually made a really good suggestion – at three years, you’re probably out of warranty anyway. Back up the phone, take it to a phone repair shop, and they should have the battery replaced in 15 minutes. I’ve done it with screens, and I’m debating doing it for my current phone.

    8. Weegie*

      It’s typical of a Samsung battery! I used to find that they did really well for a year and then started behaving weirdly – including draining quickly.

      With my second Samsung I replaced the battery after about 18 months and that helped a bit, but basically the phone was dying and I had to get a new one just after the 2-year mark. I changed brands too, and this phone has much better battery life.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      Probably, depending on how much you use the device. I recently replaced a much older Samsung Galaxy, after experiencing similar symptoms and googling and learning the OEM battery mine contained had an expected life of about 900 discharges. You can look up the specs for yours. Since it’s not super old, you might have better luck than I did finding a replacement battery, and doing that might get you some more time. But they’re basically designed at this point with the expectation you’ll replace it in 2-3 years since most people do since they generally improve significantly over that span.

  39. Dr. KMnO4*

    The buns are adjusting nicely to their new home. We are fostering-to-adopt Khorne, but both my husband and I are pretty sure that we will just adopt him. Both buns are very different from each other, but both have captured our hearts.

    Khorne loves running around our living room. Between bouts of running, he also likes lounging on the “Bun Throne”, which is an old Ikea couch that my husband and I don’t care about. Khorne does try to nibble everything, so we keep a close eye on him when he’s out of his pen.

    Sugar will run for a bit, but tends to zone out. Her favorite treat is basil, but when she’s zoned out you can wave a leaf of basil under her nose and she won’t react at all. Then she snaps out of it and is back to normal.

    Khorne and Sugar are still trying to work out who is going to be dominant in the relationship. We think they will bond eventually, but it seems like it will just take time.

    Many adorable bun pictures can be found on my Instagram, “khorne_and_sugar”

    1. Augusta has gone East*

      They are so cute! Khorne looks so royal while Sugar seems to be the artsy one.

      How do you keep them from nibbling cables or anything valuable?

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        I keep them away from the cables. We deliberately set up their pens in an area with no cables, and have blocked off the area with the TV/PS4 so they can’t get at those cables. Anything else of value we either moved or covered with cardboard. Khorne has a way of knowing where he shouldn’t be and trying to go there.

        My husband is a Type 1 diabetic with a pump, and that tube got chewed on almost immediately by Khorne. He has to be extra careful now to make sure they don’t get at it.

  40. Aurora Leigh*

    What kind of flowers would like nice with lilacs?

    I’ve posted a few times here about wedding planning and you all are such a kind and informative bunch, I thought I’d throw this out to the group.

    We’re planning a mid-May wedding and I realized that means my favirite flowers -lilacs! – should be in bloom. We have a bush and so do several family members, so I should have a selecton of purple and white to choose from. For me, I’d do a boquet of just lilacs, but what about the bridesmaids flowers and boutinieres for the groom/groomsmen?

    Pinterest is failing me! Lol

    Additional details: lowkey outdoor wedding and reception, guys will be wearing navy

    1. Asta*

      Don’t forget to ask your florist about this stuff if you’re using one. They will have ideas – you don’t have to figure it all out!

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        We’re trying to DIY as much as possible, so I kind of hate to ask professionals for advice when I probably won’t use their services.

        1. fposte*

          Then I’d say the answer will vary depending on where you *are* trying to source the flowers. If it’s local gardens, I’d say the key is to be flexible and maybe embrace a mix. Around here in May some possibilities would be tulips, late daffodils (there are white ones if you want to keep to purple and white), maybe pansies if you can work with the short stems, perennial snowdrops, catmint. (It’s also peony season but those get awfully big for boutonnieres.) It might also be worth thinking outside of the floral box–shrubs and trees with nifty leaves could make for a nice boutonniere and could be more reliably available. Ginkgos are always cool, or if somebody’s willing to let you take some Japanese maple, whether green or red, those could be nice; then of course there are ferns.

          Let us know what you decide!

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            Thanks, fposte! I think we’re in a similar part of the US (central IL here) and those are all good ideas — especially gingkos, I mever would have thought of that!

            Yes, we’re thinking family gardens, maybe planting some things ourselves, or maybe someplace like Sam’s Club.

    2. Green Kangaroo*

      I personally like lilacs with a lot of greenery and not much else. You could add some white roses to bolster up the arrangement, but lilacs are so pretty you want them to be the star.

        1. Parenthetically*

          They look soooo nice with different greens — magnolia leaves, fronds of juniper or cypress.

    3. Lena Clare*

      I think lots of different white flowers would go, so lilacs with white irises, white freesias, white roses, and gypsum for example, with some green foliage, would be nice.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, I’d go with peonies. But also, just google images, “lilac bouquet” and see what you like.

        1. Nita*

          Neither do lilacs, for me. I think lilac bouquets are a little difficult to DIY – they’re gorgeous of course, but you can’t prepare them too far in advance or they’ll look a bit wilted. I think there are tricks to make them last longer, but not sure how well they work – I’ve never tried them.

    6. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      One thing I discovered in getting flowers for my wedding (I had just bouquets and boutioneers) was that the limiting factor on flowers is how sturdy their stems are, and how well they last out of water/refrigeration. I originally wanted tulips but the florist was adamant that I had to do roses. I was annoyed because I thought roses were too fussy…and then bought some tulips at the grocery store, and he was right, they start to droop pretty quickly.

      Also, there’s apparently a whole thing about taped vs. wired bouquets, which I didn’t quite understand but apparently it’s important.

      So if you are DIYing your flowers, I’d recommend doing some research on flower arranging so there are no day-of surprises.

    7. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Delphiniums maybe? A mid-May wedding might be too early for those though. Irises maybe? Or the Empire Blue Butterfly Bush? Stiff Blue-eyed Grass might also work.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If you want to do warehouse club, you could do roses, hydrangea, tulips or cala lilies. We did Costco for our wedding. Of those choices, hydrangeas give you the most volume/impact for your money. Roses are also nice but come with thorns so a little more labor. Cala lilies are so small I didn’t think it was worth the price.

      1. Anono-me*

        We ordered a wedding package of flowers (roses) from Costco and were very pleased. (But order early.)

        Also you may want to check with vendors at your local farmers’ market.

        A while back, I attended a wedding with lilacs as the flowers. It was 100% lilacs and beautiful. (Entire wedding party, ceremony and table decorations.)

  41. Utoh!*

    Has anyone had treatment for or dark spots on your hands? I’m 54 and would really like to reduce/eliminate the dark spots on my hands and some on my arms. I know they are age/sun-related as they have not always been there. Does any OTC cream actually make a difference? Thanks!

    1. fposte*

      OTC cream really doesn’t make much difference to solar lentigo. Even the prescription cream is questionable. Laser/cryotherapy are likelier but come with some risks of their own.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        I had laser/cryo done ( a freebie from the dermatologist’s nurse – I think trying to get me to come in regularly for the rest of them… LOL) on one of the spots on my hand.

        Effective. I haven’t been back though because $.

    2. MMB*

      For some people mild chemical peels are helpful. You could check with your local medi-spa or by an at home version. Make-up artists choice sells them.

      1. Auntie Social*

        Go see your dermatologist for a glycolic acid peel for your face, and have him do a peel on your hands or give you a prescription bleaching cream.

    4. WS*

      Salicylic acid cream (at least 5%) can make a difference for some people, but you should get them checked by a doctor/dermatologist before proceeding – you don’t want to be irritating anything sinister.

  42. stitchinthyme*

    I posted in the open thread yesterday, but for obvious reasons tried to keep it work-related. So this is the same subject but more generally about how it’s impacting my life.

    A week ago, I suffered a severe hearing loss episode. I’d had two before, one of which was partially reversed by treatment, but this is the first time I’ve crossed a line between “hearing impairment that’s occasionally annoying but otherwise not a huge deal” and “serious hearing problem that is seriously affecting all areas of my life”. I have trouble understanding what anyone is saying unless they’re right next to me ear or they’re speaking into a microphone that streams directly into my hearing aid (and sometimes even then it’s a struggle, although I am REALLY glad that this technology exists).

    Over the course of the week since this happened, I’ve avoided people as much as possible as I tried to deal with it. But last night I decided to try hosting our normal biweekly board game night, and I thought my head would explode. Without my hearing aid and the microphone, I can’t understand much that’s going on, but with it and a lot of background noise, everything was both too loud and still incomprehensible. When someone laughed or exclaimed too loudly, I thought my head would explode. It sounded like everyone was talking through a loud, badly-tuned CB radio.

    If this is my new normal, I don’t know how I will ever deal with social situations again.

    I keep trying to hold on to hope: treatment did help me once before, and I started it even more promptly this time (time is critical in this sort of thing). Plus, I recently had a cochlear implant in what used to be my worse ear, though it has not been activated yet — that’s next Friday. That’s not an instant “boom, you can hear!” solution — it can take months to learn to identify sounds with it — but with time and patience I’m hoping it will make a big difference.

    I am trying to get through this one day at a time and not worry about the future, but this has been so incredibly hard to deal with. I had expected that I’d spend the 4 weeks between my cochlear implant surgery and its activation basically living as usual. Instead I’m consumed with worry and wondering how the heck I’m going to adjust if this doesn’t get better.

    1. Goose Lavel*

      I completely understand your concerns with regards to diminished hearing and potential hearing loss that will be a dramatic change to your life and how to cope with it.

      I have catastrophic tinnitus due to acoustic trauma, along with hyperacusis, to the point where I had to quit my job. I could no longer mentally focus due to the extreme noise of five different high frequency tones, screeches, squeals and oscillations in my head due to the tinnitus.

      I am now a Hermit in my home, trying to stay away from noise and sounds; this is extremely challenging since I live near three busy airports in the San Francisco Bay Area and there’s always a siren going as I live next to two local fire departments as well.

      This is been going on for the past 3 years and now finding that I’m really struggling to understand speech to the point where I think I’m almost functionally deaf with regards to speech.

      I’ve come to terms with this condition and my new limitations. I’ve had many obstacles in my life, both mental and physical, that I’ve overcome through sheer perseverance and will to live.

      I believe if it wasn’t for my family, I would have already committed suicide, but I don’t want to pass that hurt and suffering on to my family for them to deal with for the rest of their lives.

      I hope and pray that your condition will settle and improve; the brains ability to habituate to new situations always amazes me. I try to squeeze as much joy out of each day as possible and not feel sorry for myself, as there’s always someone else dealing with much worse than me.

    2. Greymalk*

      I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. Jedi hugs if you would like them. With my invisible condition which flares every few years, and affects a sensory system, I find it important to remember that part of the getting better is when my brain learns to compensate for the differing input information. So while I wait for the treatment to slowly help, I try to give my brain experiences that are limited in duration but can help it learn to compensate. It’s possible that your experiment with game night was exactly the right thing to do, but was too long just yet— maybe start out in environments where you can limit the duration, and give yourself time (weeks, etc) to build up to longer exposures? Practice in places where you have very understanding friends, and/or no stake in how long your exposure lasts… (bookstores, coffee shops, etc). You wouldn’t throw a child into deep water and expect it to swim; be kind to yourself and your central nervous system, and take care!

    3. Owler*

      I mentioned this group in your other thread … ALDA: Association of Late Deafened Adults. Look for it on Facebook or online. I’m friends with one of the directors and she has built an amazing community within her region.

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      BTW, I think hearing loss is one of the easiest disabilities to empathize with. At least for me. So many of us have a grandparent or elderly friend who doesn’t hear very well any more. I used to write my grandma notes about my life when we went to visit her. So writing notes for a friend would be no big deal, and also vaguely sentimental.

      For temporary measures for social situations while the doc is sorting things out, could you just wear earplugs? Or the big over the ear muffs? That way you can’t hear the loud noises either. Communication would still be a chore, of course.

      1. stitchinthyme*

        “So many of us have a grandparent or elderly friend who doesn’t hear very well any more.”

        This is true, but there’s also a stereotype of hearing loss being a problem of the elderly. My first episode occurred at age 30, and I’m 48 now. A few months ago I went to a presentation on cochlear implants given by a local hearing loss support organization, and aside from the presenters, my husband and I were the youngest people in the room by far. Not that I have anything against older people, but I feel a little out of place in hearing loss groups among people who longer have to worry about things like how to navigate the workplace while unable to hear.

    1. tamarack and fireweed*

      Ohhh. My biggest is just over 5 lbs. We had a week of deluges during which I failed to check :-) .

      1. jDC*

        Exactly what happened to me. Actually I can’t check as the leaves make me break out in a head to toe rash even if I’m covered. Husband has been busy so forgot then he saw the giant.

    3. Pieismyreligion*

      I found one that big one October so I carved it like a Jack o’ lantern. I also had a tiny watermelon that wasn’t going to get any better so I carved that one as well. Got a lot of comments from parents bringing trick or treaters around.
      Zichinni fritters are easy and delicious.

      1. jDC*

        I told husband I wish it was closer to Halloween so i could. I’m using it to make my zucchini lasagna. Mmmm

          1. jDC*

            I’ll link it when I’m on my laptop but I just use zucchini instead of noodles. We all love it and my son avoids veggies at all cost. More flavor and obviously healthier!!

    4. jDC*

      I’m so sad. We had three brand new baby bunnies in our yard and i just found one dead with no head. I’m so sad. It’s been an awful year for our wildlife around our house. About 7 robins eggs broken on the ground and one baby body and now the bunny. So bummed out today. :( it was such a joy to see them in my garden every day.

    5. vanillacookies*

      Very jealous! I moved into my new place a bit late to plant a vegetable garden this year but my herbs are doing okay.

      1. jDC*

        All my herbs died but we have a ton of broccoli (I loveee it), zucchini, cucumbers, tomatoes and about 12 types of peppers. I have a black thumb. I only do EXACTLY what my husband tells me to I’ll kill a cactus. I did buy some new succulents from Aldi this weekend only $2.99 each!

  44. StarHunter*

    Book recommendations for historical/adventure fiction with a touch of supernatural thrown in? I really enjoyed To the Bright Edge of the World by Eowyn Ivy and was looking for something similar. Thanks!

    2. tamarack and fireweed*

      You have read her previous novel The Snow Child? (I loved it, and haven’t read To the Bright Edge of the World yet.) For something semi-historical (somewhat steampunk alternate history) with magic, and a connection to the Arctic, I’d say Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy, especially the first volume (The Golden Compass in the US, Northern Lights in the original). For a different time and place, I just bought but haven’t read yet, Rachel Kadish’s The Weight of Ink. And for something completely different – the magic is a seer from Greek mythology – Christa Wolf’s Cassandra is not much read in English, but available and a pretty great book.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      Most of Guy Gavriel Kay’s work is described as historical fiction with a turn to the fantastic. He writes novels inspired by real historical venues, but in a fictionalized, mildly fantasy version of the real world. The books are well written, generally with a focus on the lives of people as they cross each other’s paths, and participate in larger events. The Fionavar Tapestry is more classic fantasy.

      Dan Simmons’ “The Terror”, for a fictional version of the lost Franklin expedition in the Arctic – adventure with some supernatural stuff thrown in.

    4. Princess of Pure Reason*

      Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell – historical supernatural with some adventure thrown in. The BBC mini-series of it was well done too.

        1. Princess of Pure Reason*

          It’s worth a watch. Very thoughtfully done, and thoroughly. Great cast and costumes and atmosphere. I had hesitated to watch because I had such a clear picture in my head of the whole thing – but after the first episode I was sorry I had waited so long. It’s available on Netflix at the moment.

          1. Chocolate Teapot*

            I took it to read on holiday earlier this year. I liked it, but it did seem to drag towards the end.

            Still, if you have several hours to wait at the airport before your check-in desk opens, it comes in handy!

    5. Kate R. Pillar*

      I found Jasper Fforde’s “Thursday Next” series super enjoyable – though it’s more “supernatural fiction with a touch of the historical thrown in”.

    6. Christy*

      The Historian? Also the Fionavar Tapestry is more high fantasy but it’s my comfort trilogy so I recommend it anyway.

    7. Sleep Deprived*

      100 years of solitude by Gabriel García Márquez is wonderful (though light on the supernatural),
      I also really loved Circe by Madeline Miller (it’s mythological rather than historical).
      For a take on the arthurian legends, I recommend the Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley (it’s also a pretty good movie).

    9. Marion Ravenwood*

      If you haven’t already read it, The Essex Serpent by Sarah Perry. It’s set in Victorian England and is about a woman who goes off in pursuit of the titular creature, which is apparently causing strange goings-on, and the conflict she has with the local vicar. Really beautifully written too.

    10. Llellayena*

      The Alvin Maker series by Orson Scott Card. The first book is Seventh Son. Colonial America but with a supernatural twist. Through the series you “meet” some names from history (like Abraham Lincoln) but often they’re not doing anything like what they actually did in history!

    11. KaladinSB*

      Not sure if it fits the bill you’ve laid out, but William Forstchen’s The Lost Regiment follows a Union Army regiment in 1863 who gets somehow transported to a different world, where they help the descendants of former human transportees fight off aliens attempting to eat them.

      Similarly, Taylor Anderson’s Destroyermen series is basically identical, only it’s a Navy destroyer in 1941, and they help monkey-cats fight dinosaur-bird-things.

    12. Ruby314*

      The Name of the Wind (first of the Kingkiller trilogy, third book coming out soon) by Patrick Rothfuss. Lin-Manuel Miranda is attached for an adaptation.

    13. Tara R.*

      The Poppy War was along these lines: the setting/atmosphere seems to be based around the Song dynasty (~1000 AD China), with the plot being a fantasy reinterpretation of 20th century Chinese history. As a warning, there’s a few chapters based off of the Nanjing Massacre that are very harrowing to read. I’m still not sure how I feel about the book overall, but it definitely gave us a lot to talk about during book club.

  45. Julia*

    I need a break. Work has been rough lately, and on top of the regular, general hard work I do, I’ve had to deal with retaliation for reporting inappropriate behavior (have an appointment with HR this week) and still trying to act normal and do my job on not enough sleep because this is giving me sleep issues. To top it off, my husband apparently thinks that sexual harassment isn’t a systematic issue (although he says he believes me when I say I get harassed), my parents demand more attention from me than I can give – my father has some leg pain and demands empathy, when I rarely ever got any empathy from him growing up, even for pain he inflicted or for my chronic illness that is flaring up again – and pressure me into moving back home while claiming they are doing no such thing, and even my hobby isn’t a good refuge anymore.
    I take voice lessons just to improve my singing for personal fun reasons and to preserve my voice, so while I do give it my best (I pay for the lessons with my own money!) I cannot always do the homework she gives me. I am supposed to write lyrics for a practice piece and I just cannot do it. If my brain even works a little bit creatively at all, instead of just going *static noise*, all I feel like writing is “mysogyny sucks, chronic illness sucks, my marriage might fall apart” and I DO NOT want to write that and sing about it, because class is supposed to be MY time to forget all that crap. Singing is my hobby and was supposed to make me happier, not more stressed out.
    I have told my teacher I can’t do the assignment right now and every week it’s like “well, are you that busy with work? Are you doing anything else that makes you busy? What do you say you have a stomachache again?” I’m starting to want to cancel my lessons, but I generally – apart from this – like my teacher and she’s been good at explaining things in a way I can understand them. I tried to be a bit more forceful this week when I said I’m busy instead of doing the nervous laughter I usually do or any softening, but it seems like she was kind of annoyed by that, plus having to explain that I have stuff going on but don’t want to bring that stuff into my hobby every week is just another stressor I don’t need…

    It’s just too much to handle for me right now and talking to my therapist didn’t bring enough relief. I need a break, but it’s hot and there are people everywhere and I barely have the energy to sit here and type this.

    1. Goose Lavel*

      I’m sending as much empathy, love and hugs to you as possible. I know how a lack of empathy can cause emotional scars as I was raised by a psychopathic narcissist father who never once said he loved me.
      I hope and pray that next week brings you relief from your stress and over busy life.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you so much! I think my parents love me in their own way and in some ways were really good, but you’re right, the emotional scars stay.

    2. tamarack and fireweed*

      Best wishes. This sounds extremely rough.

      Ideally, you’d be able to tell the voice teacher exactly what you’re telling us: You’re taking the voice lessons because singing, and caring for your instrument, are very precious to you. But it’s not your current career, and on the contrary, your actual work life is very very difficult right now. So you need to keep this upset and stress out of the time reserved for your art. Tell her that when you think of the assignment your brain just thinks about those stressful events, and writing lyrics is not the right assignment right now. Can you ask for an alternative assignment?

      But if at all possible don’t give up on the voice lessons. If you have the energy you might just tentatively look into other teachers… (I’m sure there are good reasons not to actually switch, just to explore the options.)

      1. Julia*

        Thank you very much! I did tell her that the lessons are my time to not think about stuff, and she is an excellent teacher in other ways, so let’s see what happens next week.

    3. Courageous cat*

      You should have a quick discussion with your teacher when everyone’s calm, you’re not in the middle of a lesson, and you have some emotional distance from this. You’re the one paying, you need her cooperation and understanding that if you don’t want to do something, you’re not going to do it, and you need to move on to other types of lessons.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you! I have been considering sending her an email to explain, but wasn’t sure about it.
        My husband says in Japan (where we live) teachers get to demand anything from the student and can ask them to quit if the student doesn’t comply, but a) that’s not my experience here as a teacher in recent years and b) this school was recommended to me by a friend who goes just to work on her favorite pop songs, so it doesn’t seem to apply.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      I’m sorry for your struggles and hope that things get better soon. If it helps, you have a bunch of internet strangers rooting for you.

      What if instead of saying you’re too busy for the voice homework, which may be inspiring your teacher’s knee-jerk ‘my homework is important too’ reaction, say what you want your lessons to be. Get creative by trying to switch an already written song’s style or experiment with different styles of singing. Or just spend your lesson singing songs you already know. Have an ear worm battle with her. Sing songs from Phineas and Ferb or Glee or crazy Ex Girlfriend. Have whatever song battles acapella groups do. Whatever will make it fun and not be a source of obligation and guilt. Then ask her if that’s something she feels she can do or can she recommend someone. She’s a professional and you’re hiring her for a job. And she might be stuck in a teaching children mindset but would be glad to do something different with you. You could also email your request so it feels more business-like and less emotional or confrontational to you.

      But also, find a song to write life sucks right now lyrics and sing it where you can at the top of your lungs. Or listen to grumpy, stompy songs. And find a song that’s about life getting better. The right songs tend to find you when life knows you’re looking. These would be just for you and not for lessons. And there’s always The Hairbrush Song from Veggie Tales. You can sing just about anything to that melody. Bonus points if your arpeggio is Slightly off key and your voice cracks. The nice thing about it is it’s silly and you’re not likely to accidentally hear it and have it trigger inconvenient emotions.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you! We don’t sing any songs in our lessons at all, it’s just vocal exercises in head voice because she is training me to sing opera. But maybe it’s time to break that up… There seems to be a very small overlap in songs she and I both know, and the ones we could find, I hated having my singing of them taken apart, so I’m not sure what to do. I’m okay continuing the lessons the way they are (it’s how I can learn to sing in opera style) but without the lyric writing.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      If you can’t do the assignment (which really has very little to do with voice lessons) and she cannot craft a different lesson for you, then you have reached a stalemate.

      To me, teaching is centered around the student’s abilities. She should be able to design course work that you CAN do rather than focusing on what you can’t do.

      So rather than ditching everything here, why not just tell her that writing your own lyrics is not going to happen. Then ask her what is the next thing for you to work on. If she presses you for a more specific explanation, tell her it’s personal and you will not be talking about it.

      I have seen trainers get stuck like this. In my opinion when they cannot move on to something else they are not very flexible people. I have trained a lot of people and I am very much aware of how important it is to be able to move around things and/or present things in a different way. You might try asking her why it is so darn important that you do this assignment, how will it help you in the long run?

      1. Julia*

        That is exactly what I did yesterday after writing this post. I said I can’t write the lyrics, I have stuff going on I didn’t want to specify, and I was hoping to do other exercises. So we just did the regular vocal exercises and I sang the piece on mimimi.

    6. Katefish*

      So much empathy and a flashback: last time I was getting sexually harassed, I was in grad school and all I could write about for one assignment was something tangential about objectification of women. I then got in trouble for my homework being too real and not positive. It really does drain your creativity. Hang in there!

      1. Julia*

        Thank you so much! I am so sorry that happened to you, not just the harassment, but the feedback on your homework. Sometimes there really is no winning for us…

    7. Koala dreams*

      Maybe you would want to have a serious chat with your teacher and tell her that you have s serious health crisis in the family (or similar vague language), you would love to continue the lessons but you won’t be able to do any homework or writing assignments for a while, and ask her if she’s fine with continuing the lessons under the circumstances. If you bring it up first, instead of waiting for her to nag you it might be more effective.

      I’m sorry to hear about your troubles, and I hope things get better soon!

      1. Julia*

        Thank you! My preference is to not talk about anything during the lessons at all because once I talk about it, it’s on my mind and then I get told my expression is too dark etc. Plus I’m an adult and if I say I’m busy and can’t do the lesson I pay for in a way the teacher wants me to, I want to be believed without giving a huge statement.
        But maybe things would be easier if I did have the serious chat once, ugh.

    8. Weegie*

      Can you take a short break away somewhere? Maybe by yourself? If not now, maybe planning it will give you something to look forward to.

      I see you say upthread that you live in Japan – I lived there ages ago, and whenever it got too much (sporadic culture shock strikes) I liked to take a trip either to another part of the country or elsewhere in Asia (home was too far away). Hokkaido is cooler at this time of year, and very beautiful. I found Hong Kong a breath of fresh air (maybe not right now, though), and Singapore is also ideal for a short break.

      If you can change your surroundings for a while, it might help. Good luck to you.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you! I would love to go somewhere, but it would have to be a day or two tops, and that means travel would make it more exhausting than relaxing.
        We do have a long weekend in a less populated prefecture planned for September, though, and I promised some friends to go to a day spa/onsen soon, hoping it won’t be full of excited vacationers. (I also work where the Disney Resort is, so commuting alone is a challenge during this month…)

    9. Nita*

      Oh, I’m sorry. What a mess. I hope at least one of these things gets better soon.
      I wonder if you’d want to put the singing lessons on hold – your teacher sounds like she’s unknowingly “rubbing salt in a wound” as they say. And I can’t even imagine singing when dealing with all that. Maybe find a different teacher that just gives you others’ pieces to sing, or pick up a new hobby that doesn’t involve other people (coloring, cooking, sewing?)
      And maybe don’t pick up the phone when your parents call, give yourself some space and call back in a day or two. Putting some space between me and my parents has done a boost for my mental health – even talking to them sucks up a lot of energy that I need to cope with other stuff.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you! I hope at least the work stuff will get resolved, and my husband has been trying to be better… I have a hobby I can do alone (reading and writing, though my brain doesn’t like either these days) and I have definitely considered putting my lessons on hold, but I’d hate to lose the progress I’ve made.
        I ignore my parents a lot these days, but on Friday I called my brother because they were celebrating my niece’s first week of school, and my mother was there and started with the “I’m only saying I hope you can move back here, or any other city close by, I’m not trying to pressure you, oh also I sent a job ad to your friend, totally ignoring that you worked there before and got harassed horribly”, so I hung up.

    10. Llellayena*

      Hmm. That seems like an odd assignment for a voice teacher if you’re just looking to improve your voice and not advance a career (or hoppy) in song writing. Can you modify the assignment and research poetry that could become lyrics? Then it’s not your words but the task of matching to the music is still there.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you for the suggestion! Honestly, even looking up poetry and matching it to the music is too much right now, plus as you say, I’m not looking to become a songwriter.

  46. Ask a Manager* Post author

    We’re considering training to become foster parents for teenagers. Probably older teens who are within a few years of aging out of the foster care system. I’ve been thinking about it for a few years, and lately have been reading about it obsessively and am getting close to taking official steps. If anyone here has fostered (especially teens, but any age), are there things you wish you knew before you started, beyond the basics that you get from reading?

    Also, if anyone here fosters/has fostered in northern Virginia, I’d be grateful for the chance to pick your brain about local agencies if you’re willing (either here or over email).

      1. JediSquirrel*

        Same here. That is wonderful news, Allison!

        By coincidence, it’s been a really rough week at work, so I’ve been binging The Fosters on Netflix every evening and feeling a lot of feels.

        I used to teach, so I only know it from that end, and to echo MinotJ below, there is a TON of red tape involved on all sides.

    2. MinotJ*

      My parents fostered three kids and then adopted one, now my brother. They were surprised at the endless nonsense from the state. Medical care was covered, but very few providers and endless hoops. There was a state law that kids could only be in foster care for X number of months before parental rights were terminated… four years later and they were still fighting.

      The two older kids that they had – it was a surprise to my parents to deal with somebody else’s bad parenting. It wasn’t as easy to redirect the kids to better behaviors because they’d had so many years of the wrong behaviors as normal. The older kids are adults now and have turned into great, functioning people.

      1. Asta*

        Try to remember that ‘wrong behaviours’ are often coping mechanisms or reactions to trauma.

        1. JediSquirrel*

          THIS!!!

          Lots of kids (and plenty of adults, too) just don’t have good coping strategies—all those internal and external scripts that help people navigate through life. One thing I love about this site is that it provides scripts that people can practice and use.

        2. MinotJ*

          Oh definitely! It was just such a change for them. They’d raised three kids who were just like them, and if any of us screwed up they knew how to fix it. But all of their tricks didn’t work when they were dealing with kids who had been raised by others. Absolutely basic in retrospect, but it was hard to go from being good at something to being incompetent.

          It’s kind of like when you see kids acting out at the store. It’s so easy to think the parents should just do x or y and fix the situation, but it’s never that easy when you’re inside of it.

          1. Asta*

            Oh sure. That was more just a general piece of advice to Alison.

            Alison, I would make sure your reading includes stuff about adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and attachment theory. Also, try to remember that for these kids most or all adults in their lives:
            – are paid to spend time with them (they may not have ANY adults in their lives where this isn’t the case)
            – may well repeatedly let them down
            – may make decisions about them without them, judge them or otherwise not involve them

            And watch Short Term 12. It’s not an easy watch but it’s very, very good.

            1. JediSquirrel*

              And watch Short Term 12. It’s not an easy watch but it’s very, very good.

              It’s on Netflix. I have it cued up for next week. Thanks for the recommendation!

    3. Book Lover*

      Are there any support groups or interest groups in the area? That might be a way to get more local info.

    4. Parade Route*

      We fostered younger kids a few years ago and a few things that I wish I had known beforehand (and that may vary, of course, due to your agency/state/etc.): 1) the foster parent’s schedule might come last in the things considered when it comes to things like visits, court dates and meetings; 2) the expectations one would normally have for a kid of a certain age are not necessarily going to be applicable to one who is in foster care; 3) you might feel complicit in a system that, sometimes, feels like it is hurting more than it is helping.

    5. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Teens need foster parents so much! And especially those that are also willing to be homes, or at least homebase, in the years to come.
      Every young person needs a place of heart to come back to for advice and support and a plate of food (and probably laundry).

      What a great adventure! Good luck!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Just from watching friends: Make sure you know their history and make sure you have more than a passing familiarity with any medical or mental health issues. Routinely, the big surprises have been in the area of overall health.

      Some one (or more) is going to be very fortunate to be with you guys. Very fortunate.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      My sister has been fostering for close to 10 years, everything from young kids to teens. Be prepared to have to deal with many calls from the school for disciplinary problems; kids running away; kids doing strange and/or inappropriate things due to their past history of sexual abuse or other abuse; having to drop things at the last minute to shuttle them somewhere because the social worker didn’t arrange for transportation; and having to really stay on top of the agency and/or social worker (she’s very good a being assertive). Also be prepared for their horrible stories of abuse and neglect. It’s confidential outside the foster parents, but she’s said that it’s really unsettling what some of these kids have been through. Know that there may be kids that you won’t be able to help or handle because their particular issues are very complex and what they need is intensive in-patient therapy. My sister had one such girl. She had a lot of problems with her and the girl was very strange. In the end the girl had to be moved to a psychiatric hospital. A therapeutic foster home just wasn’t enough.

    8. Gwenn*

      I am interested in the same thing, particularly for LGBTQ youth. I’m not in a position to house anyone else, so for right now I participate in a Kansas program called Youthrive that tries to do a hybrid approach with foster teens aging out of care – they have their usual caseworkers, a program specific social worker, and then they have the layperson volunteers like me as “Support Families.” I’m kind of like an assigned Cool Aunt, but my youth choose me from a selection of several volunteers, so there was some agency involved. My youth is also queer and I think is happy to have a queer role model around. I’m a resource for general adulting stuff and hanging out a couple times a month, and sometimes just for venting because the system sucks and they just want somebody to hear them out about it. We’ve made a year commitment to each other to stay in the program but hopefully we will stay in touch much longer than that!

      2. smoke tree*

        Canada has a program called Big Brothers Big Sisters that sounds similar–you sign up to basically be a positive influence in a kid’s life. I don’t think it’s limited to certain age group.

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        This sounds like a great program! I have thought about fostering, too, but I don’t think our life is set up in a way that would work for it. But being an on-call “cool aunt” would be much more manageable. I’ll have to see if there is anything similar where I live.

    9. Lore*

      I worked for a while with someone who was a very active foster parent and also helped set up a nfp for kids aging out of foster care. It is shocking how few services there are to aid that transition and also how few fostering relationships survive it. Especially if you’re building relationships with older kids, make sure you think about how much and in what you ways you want to and are able/allowed to remain in their lives once the “system” isn’t governing that relationship. I don’t know if this varies agency to agency or state to state but there’s a lot of unmet need there.

    10. HannahS*

      What an amazing thing to do! It’s a real act of love, and I hope you have a lot of success with it.

    11. Dragonista*

      I used to foster older, hard to place teens, in the UK. I had short and long term placements. Some young people only stayed a few days while there was a crisis, or while their regular foster carer had a stay in hospital. The longest placement was three years.

      Feed them. This may sound obvious but many kids that come into care have had issues with food being scarce or withheld. I always made sure there was food available for snacking in addition to regular meals.

      Make sure they know the rules and why those rules are there. I would sit down and work out a contract, setting out my expectations for them and confirming what they could expect from me. I was careful to explain why they couldn’t just disappear to a friends house without telling me, I would be worried/they might have an accident/I wouldn’t know where to start looking. Some kids had experienced quite sporadic parenting with bio parents see-sawing between neglectful and micromanaging.

      Be consistent- you and your spouse need to present a united front. Disagree with each other privately, in front of the kids you need to support each other.

      Don’t be afraid to apologise to them if you get it wrong.

      Always be honest with them.

      When it comes to social services, be clear about what you will/won’t accept. I had my own young children so felt unable to accept active drug users (weed was ok) and/or people with a history of sex offences.

      Also get a full handover on the young person Social services are trying to place with you. I’ve been flat out lied to on occasion, about the needs of the young person. I had a young person, (described as having mild learning difficulties) who did not know how to wash herself, had no ability to make herself a sandwich or heat up soup.

      Think about how you will help the young person acquire the skills required for independent living. Budgeting, food shopping, cooking & cleaning all need to be learned.

      Good luck, I enjoyed my time fostering and really valued the experiences.

      1. JediSquirrel*

        This is all really great advice (thank you, thank you, thank you!), but this really struck me:

        Feed them. This may sound obvious but many kids that come into care have had issues with food being scarce or withheld. I always made sure there was food available for snacking in addition to regular meals.

        I’ve worked with a lot of these kids, and some of them hoard food when it’s available. It may seem weird to a lot of people to stash food when it appears to be (at least to us) plentifully available, but this is a survival strategy they’ve had to learn. It takes time and love to unlearn these things.

        1. Asta*

          It can help if you give them spaces to stash food. Give them a cupboard with their name on. Give them Tupperwares with their name on. Don’t throw their stashed stuff away when it goes off – note what it is, buy more, and get them to switch it.

      2. Foster aunt*

        My brother and his wife fostered two teen sisters. Of course it was hard at first but…we had a difficult growing up situation and I think this was his way of reconciling the past by making their future better. They are fabulous adults with children of their own. They are our family.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        Yes to all these things, with emphasis on laying down the rules (and explanations of the “why” behind them), being very consistent and being firm with the agency on what you will and won’t accept. Many times they’ve put heavy pressure on my sister to take in kids under the school age when she’s specifically said they must be school-aged. The reason being is she works full-time and is the only breadwinner in her household; her husband is retired from self-employment with only social security coming in and he’s much older than her, which means he really doesn’t have the energy to put into infants and toddlers.

    12. caffe latte and chocolate*

      My aunt & uncle were foster parents. they had some success stories, but some unsuccess stories. The unsuccessful stories: kids(teens) with absolutely no impulse control, where consequences were an abstract concept that didn’t work in the moment. Possibly due to pre-natal substance abuse by the mother or abuse of the baby changing brain development; one foster teen whose family kept calling and showing up at all hours at my aunt & uncles place.

    13. Loopy*

      I have not fostered, but I entered the foster care system at 14 for almost a year before going back home. If you’d ever like any perspective from the other side, do let me know!

        1. Loopy*

          Ah, I’m just now getting back to the open thread. I’d love to give this reply more time than I have right now, should I email or follow-up in next week’s open thread?

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Informational interviewing, and see what kind of support network there is for ongoing support. I did work a couple decades ago, for 3 years as the house parent – ie live-in (monitor and trainer) for life skills for the “post 18” transition program of a local social service agency for high functioning developmentally disabled adults. The comparable part was how much variation there was in what coping, social, and life skills any of them had been taught where they had been before. The support network was critical to get me through the tough days. I believed in the mission and found the ones who had been the most passed around, the most challenging (as you would expect.). Our program did not – at the time – have a good process for helping to steer to better resources, those with mental health issues. It resulted in unfounded accusations (not against me), destruction, theft, and a lot of fall out. I was very very careful and still lost a beloved family heirloom piece of jewelry, had a can of varnish poured over my great-grandmother’s kitchen table because I had a vacation day and one of them was mad that I was not there, and more. It was very hard. I eventually left that program (they wanted me to stay), and went to work for another non-profit with a younger population but where I had my own private apartment. I needed more than just “my room.” And I had had more than 5 years of volunteer experience before going in, and thought I understood what I was getting into. But I was young and although a well-regarded program, mental health issues were not as understood as they are today. So you may not have the same lack of support in those areas I found.

    15. CoffeeforLife*

      This is something I’ve been thinking about too! I’m also in Northern VA so would be really interested in what advice you get, please update us on the journey.

    16. MMB*

      My cousin fostered 5 or 6 children and eventually adopted 3 (I think a 4th is still in the works). I know that she and her husband developed a strong support group and community of friends through facebook and other online groups. I know at the time, it really helped to have friends who understood everything they were going through. Here are a few things that I learned by observation and occasionally helping out as a sitter.

      1. It’s heartbreaking.
      2. There are a LOT of rules and hoops. There are rules about things you’ve never even thought of. Make sure you know what they are. Some you’ll only learn as you go others…..well, people forget to tell you sometimes so ask questions.
      3. It’s important to take care of yourself and your relationship. Date nights, a quiet hour, hobbies…. “you time”.
      4. Make sure you have all of the appropriate guardianship paperwork and insurance info for school enrollment and medical care – even if you think they’ll only be there a few days or weeks.
      5. It’s ok to say “we can’t do this/this child isn’t a good fit/this child scares me/ needs more help than I can provide.” It happens, and it’s better for everyone if you speak up (after genuinely trying) rather than letting yourself and the child start to drown.
      6. Night lights
      7. Some children have never slept in a room alone. Letting them leave a door open or sleep on the couch for a few nights until their comfortable can help so can a TV or a radio with the volume turned down.

      You’re doing a wonderful thing.

      1. Mighty Bullfrog*

        other good posts that reflect her style and her and her husband’s parenting approach (I’m just pasting the ends of the URLs so that this doesn’t go to moderation)
        2015/12/j-son-gets-job-briefly
        /2015/06/my-viktor-frankl-summer-plan
        2015/07/financial-curriculum-for-teens

    19. Just a hypo*

      Oh, best of luck and I’m so excited to hear this! My aunt, who raised four kids of her own, decided age 63 (when her youngest kid was 28!) to foster 3 preteens/teens (all boys!). They were siblings (same mother, all different fathers) and the mother was someone my aunt met in passing through work. The boys lived with my aunt for nearly 4 years, until the oldest graduated HS and aged out of foster care. He got an apt near-ish to my aunt.

      What was (is) hard is that the mom is still in the picture.

    20. Agency Advice*

      My advice will only apply if adoption is your end game, so ignore it if it’s not! Adoptions Together is a good, reputable agency and has a program called FamilyWorks for adopting older kids who are in foster care but available for adoption because of their age. My friendship with adoptees and birth parents has led me to feel squirmy about the “foster to adopt” angle in general, since foster care is intended to be a temporary solution for kids who should be reunited with family. But if you’re looking to adopt a child 9 or older, Adoptions Together doesn’t offer you “foster to adopt” – they place older kids for adoption. They have regular info sessions and I recommend them – they’ve been great to work with.

      For just regular old fostering, though, that’s different, and I don’t have advice to offer there.

      As far as approval requirements, I advise you to get clear with your case worker at the agency about what’s necessary, send an email with things in writing and ask for written confirmation. Save yourself some headaches. And get the paperwork done QUICKLY once you get started – make the time for doctor’s visits, trips to the DMV, fingerprinting, etc, so you don’t end up with a 6 month home study process.

      And best of luck!

  47. Mother of Cats*

    Hi commentariat! Long time reader, sporadic commenter. I have a cat problem that I can’t seem to resolve. I adopted 2 bonded shelter kitties 5 years ago. When I adopted them I was single and lived alone so it was just the three of us. One, Sansa, was sweet and gentle and the other, Cersei, was a little peppery and it took some time for her to bond with me. I was patient and I watched her personality change to affectionate and loving. It was awesome! Over the next several years I met a man, got engaged, moved in with him, got married and started a family. Sansa adapted well to the changes but Cersei didn’t really bond with my husband. Instead she loved me and Sansa and tolerated him.
    Fast forward to June of this year. I took them both in for routine vet procedures. Sansa recovered fine. Cersei didn’t. She came home a different cat. She hisses and tries to attack Sansa whenever they are in contact. We’ve kept them separated and tried to slowly reintroduce them to no avail. We tried medication to calm her down and it didn’t work. I’ve been keeping Cersei in a separate room for everyone’s safety and earlier this week she jumped the baby gate and tried to attack Sansa again.

    I don’t know what else to do? Has anyone tried to establish bonds between 2 cats where one of the cats is being overly aggressive? If Cersei can’t overcome this I’ll have to return her to the shelter I adopted her from (it’s a no kill shelter).

    1. anonnynon*

      A friend of mine is having a similar problem with two brothers. She put Feliway throughout the house, kept them apart for a week, then allowed them to re-explore the house at their own pace. The brothers are not back to the happiness they were before, but they are now hanging in the same room without hissing.

      She thinks that maybe the hissing cat’s nose is / was tender, and maybe the brother cat hit it, so check whether Cersei seems to be having any pain.

      1. Mother of Cats*

        Thanks! That’s a good thing to look for. I’ll check to see if she’s tender/sensitive to pain anywhere. Just having the 2 coexist without having them physically separated would be huge step forward.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      My friend had this with her boy cats after one had to spend several nights at that vet.

      What worked for her was water from canned tuna (tuna in water, not oil). She rubbed the tuna “juice” all over the cat who was getting attacked and the attacking cat liked the tuna smell and helped groom him, and they were back to being buddies.

      Similarly, when I was growing up, we could convince the barn cats to adopt abandoned kittens bu wrapping them in bolagna like a little burrito!

    3. Eva and Me*

      My recollection from the tv show My Cat From Hell was that Jackson separated 2 cats so they couldn’t see each other first, and then started feeding them at the same time, each on their own side (but aware the other one was on the other side). Eventually, the barrier that blocked them visually was removed, and a baby gate (or maybe stacked baby gates, especially since yours can apparently jump!), and continue with the eating on either side, gradually moving the food dishes closer to the barrier, and each other. Important: ideally, the food needs to be a food they really like! And then eventually remove the barrier and hope Cersei is more interested in the food than she is in her sister.
      It may be that she associates Sansa with the trauma of the vet visit, especially if Sansa smelled differently than usual.
      If you notice there are particular spots in the house that attacks happen, maybe move furniture to remove any “choke points,” and also, if you can create what Jackson calls a kitty superhighway by creating a path above the floor with shelves that would allow more space in a room for both cats as well as@ means of escape, that could help also.
      Sorry this is long, and I probably missed some (maybe important) information, but this is something I’ve seen on the show that seemed to have been resolved successfully, so maybe it could be a resource for you. Good luck!

    4. MissDisplaced*

      I seem to recall that someone mentioned cats can suddenly not tolerate each other after being at the Vet. Something about smelling other cats? Or, maybe trauma from the vet? Were you with them the entire time?

      I do think this will pass if you keep them separate for a time, and gradually give them time to resettle.

      1. cat socks*

        This happens with my cats. My little black cat hisses and growls when others have been at the vet. It takes a little time, but then things get back to normal. The cats smell different after they come home from the vet and it seems it’s a new cat. If there was anesthesia or anything involved it may take some time.

        Check out resources from Jackson Galaxy or Pam Johnson-Bennett for introducing new cats and follow those procedures as if they are new cats.

        What type of calming medication did Cersei get? Gabapentin is a mild sedative. One of my kitties is in a low dose of Paxil due to some urination and marking issues.

        Hopefully with some time and patience this can be resolved. I volunteer at a no kill shelter and it can be very confusing and scary for a cat who is returned. The cats hide at the back of the cages or become aggressive. It can take them time to trust humans again. If it is a completely untenable situation, possibly try to rehome her before putting her back at the shelter.

    5. Kathenus*

      In addition to the suggestions above, try swapping locations between the two, so Cersei isn’t always the one separated from the family and so that the main house doesn’t become Sansa’s sole territory which could make reintroduction even harder. Having Cersei be the only one ostracized from the family and main living space might make things worse, so the equal-time swapping can be important.

      I’ve heard of this happening in various situations, sometimes an animal associates pain or trauma (such as a vet visit) with something that was related (such as Sansa’s presence) and then links the two together in their mind. To help if this is an issue, figure out Cersei’s favorite foods/treats, and associate them solely with proximity to/visual access of Sansa (safely, separated for now). If Cersei starts realizing that the best food, cuddles, toys, playtimes, etc. happen when she is near or can see Cersei, it starts building a positive association with Cersei’s presence again which can help with an eventual reintroduction. You can read up on counter-conditioning, which is the goal of the above strategy, there are lots of examples online how it relates to pet training.

      And if you can find old issues of the aforementioned “My Cat from Hell” with Jackson Galaxy, he’s had a number of episodes that deal with similar issues that might give additional ideas. Good luck.

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      One of my friends had a cat with a sudden change in temperament who began attaching their other (2 years together) cat. Took a different vet (the first one just wanted to “sedate” her to zombiedom) to figure out there was a cracked tooth causing her pain, and she was beyond miserable.
      Not that they are or were best buddies, but peace is restored.
      So.. maybe be sure nothing happened or was damaged? Or no other physical issue?

    7. WS*

      My two cats are brothers and had always been happy together but when one had a minor vet procedure, it took six months for the other to tolerate him again. It was not great but they did recover and are currently asleep together on my leg. Things that helped us were grooming the cats (separately) with the same brush, swapping their beds and litter boxes daily so they got each other’s smells on them, swapping which one was in the gated-off area etc. It took time and patience but we got there.

      1. Mother of Cats*

        Thank you! This comment gives me hope that things have the potential to return to normal.

    8. Mother of Cats*

      Thank you to everyone who responded! Definitely a lot of food for thought and good suggestions. Hopefully using some of these will help resolve the situation. Thanks again!!!

      1. Moocowcat*

        Try putting a few Feliway diffusers in the house. Feliway contains scent that helps cats feel calm and safe.

  48. Shay*

    I’m physically disabled and in the middle of moving.
    I’m so stressed out, and so is my dad who has been helping me.
    But he’s been so disrespectful and incredibly mean to me that I honestly can’t wait for him to leave and fly back to his house.
    It will be harder without him but honestly we are at the point where things mostly need organizing and we just get in each other’s way.
    We had a heart to heart last night about my limitations. He was annoyed I left some patio furniture I was putting together incomplete on the deck and told me I hop from one thing to another too much.
    And today I just can not concentrate on anything but the God damn patio furniture.
    I dropped one God damn nut under the deck. There are two holes in the wire and lattice that I was able to crawl under and look for it. But it’s under a third section and I can’t crawl under the support beam.
    So I want to remove the crap around the deck which is on the Todo list anyway to get to the screw. But I got screamed at for my efforts.
    Oh, and he’s hit me in the past. His anger hasn’t been this unchecked for a long time and I’m scarred.

    So right now I can tear another hole in the lattice or I can trike a 6 minute distance that will take me half an hour or so to buy another nut from home Depot.

    1. valentine*

      Even not knowing how long in the past he hit you: Fire him. If he is staying with you (please, no) and you don’t feel safe, can a third party who’s Team You be there while you tell him and then you go to their place while they supervise his leaving? Is there no one willing to help who also treats you well? Can you crowdfund for movers? Think of the total cost, including long-term.

      I don’t see why you can’t work independently, splitting up rooms or tasks therein. If the porch is his, he crawls. If it’s yours, you can leave whatever you want there. Who cares if you do a little bit of various tasks? It’s all for you. Who appointed him moving expert? Not you. Sheesh. You deserve so much better than this. Hold on to that while he’s being gross and needlessly cruel.

      1. Shay*

        “Think of the total cost, including long-term.” That was really helpful.
        It helped me realize that even though his help doesn’t cost any money, it is damaging to my health and deeply unpleasant. And I need to be able to spend my spoons on things other than getting yelled at by my father.

    2. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Ask your father why he is there. And when he says that he is there to help you, ask him why he thinks that yelling at you and frightening you is helping.
      And keep asking that question. And when he yells hold up your hand in the stop position. And if he won’t stop, tell him that he needs to leave.
      I know that this is scary, but he’s a gd bully and in my experience bullies back down. And it seems that its scarier to be constantly waiting for him to explode than to confront him.
      Get someone to come over, to be your ‘Team Me’, because you said that you were afraid.
      Confrontation is scary, I know. But its not as scary as the other – it’s just new.

      1. Shay*

        The acknowledgement that its scary was so helpful. When I’d want to back down and think about how he changed his plans already and was planning to leave this Monday I’d say that to myself, “It’s scary, but I’m brave.”
        And reason about how right now the plan is for him to come back to keep helping me, and how he can’t keep acting like this then.
        It just so happened that my sister was already planning to come over to help move everything from the storage place into my garage. It was really great and relieving to have her around.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think the first thing to do is secure your own safety. And that is whatever it means to you, ask Dad to leave, have a friend come over, whatever.

      Anything that is left to do can probably be figured out later, but get yourself safe first.

    4. Anon Librarian*

      Yeah. Since he’s hit you in the past, he needs to go. Don’t trust him. Safety first. Belongings and moving logistics second.

    5. Anono-me*

      I think others are better suited to give advice on the situation with your dad; but you deserve to feel safe in your home. Everyone does .

      But here a couple of thoughts that you may find useful on the other issues:

      Many small moving companies will do small two or three hour moves; Especially if you can pick off peak times. (Some counties have support for moving if you have a disability. If you haven’t checked, you may want to do so.)

      When you get settled in your new place, put together a “fastener can” to add to your tool kit . Take a small coffee can or Tupperware container and start adding any extra or found nuts, bolts, washers, and screws that you come across. Also look at adding a flexible wand with a small but powerful magnet on the end. You will be amazed at how handy both are.

    6. Shay*

      Thank you everyone for responding.
      I’m so exhausted.

      I’m moving from a bad part of the city to the suburbs. I lived at my old place for a little over 2 years and didn’t feel safe. I’ve been harassed, threatened, and once, assaulted, outside my home and I often had nightmares and paranoias that someone would break in to harm me or had broken in to harm me.
      I’m in the suburbs now, on a road that’s just a circle with two ways in and out. It’s quiet. I’ve met some of my neighbors and they are nice. The noise, the commotion, the closeness, the light, these things I didn’t realize made me uncomfortable in the city are all gone now.
      I feel safer, but it wasn’t until I read the responses to my saying, “I’m scared” that I realized I still didn’t feel safe.
      That was kind of devastating.

      My sister came right after the worst incident of this morning to help move boxes from the storage place into the garage. She was really sweet, told dad to lay off and made faces behind his back when he was being over the top. I told her about the morning and that when we went to dinner I wanted to have a talk with dad, what that talk would be and why I didn’t want to do it at home.

      I also called my mom and cried to her about the realization that I’d had a flashback when he was yelling at me. It wasn’t the kind of flashback you see in movies, I just felt the way I felt right after he hit me, the last time he did it, seven years ago and without any sort of warning. (Something I jokingly said set him off). And it keeps playing through my mind, all these stupid details. I ran off and walked to clear my head. Mom sent him off to apologize to me. He went after me but didn’t apologize. Great start to out family vacation.

      So the talk. I had my notebook with all my points written down in it. I struggled to get through it and I did use the “I’m not done” and then raised my hand in a stop motion to get through it. I’m going to write it out like it was a conversation because he did have a reputable for some of my points. It’s also paraphrased.

      First, I acknowledged and praised and thanked him for all his hard work around the house and in therapy.

      Me: Stress is bad for my health.
      Dad: Stress is bad for everyone’s health.
      Me: I am diagnosed with a disability that says stress is extra bad for my health. You have been with me in the ER, seen my ER bills, and helped with the longer term injury I have sustained due to a health crisis triggered by stress. Also, university starts in less than two weeks and my health always declines as the semester goes on. I would like to not need to medically withdraw from my last semester of college.

      Me: You’ve made me exhausted and miserable.
      Me: I am relieved to hear you are going home earlier than originally planned. You are my dad, and I love you, it’s tragic that I am so relieved to see the back of you.

      Me: You disrespect me.
      Dad: You want to talk about disrespect! You worked on cleaning out the garbage under the deck and just left if and my shovel on the ground. Don’t you think that’s disrespectful?
      Me: I didn’t get any warning that you wanted to do lawn work. I was still in the middle of pulling garbage out from under the deck. You know I need to take breaks when I work. So I didn’t get the chance to clean up after myself. And this is an on going problem, I’ll start a task which I thought you told me I should do because I am capable of it and then I’ll start it and you’ll tell me you already did it but you guess it wasn’t up to my standards. Like with cleaning my new desk.

      Me: We had a heart to heart about these issues last night but you wake up the next morning and act even worse than you did yesterday. You are getting meaner and meaner each day and it’s a problem. If you can’t control your outbursts then you should remove yourself from the situation.

      Me: Similarly, last time we visited, I had a conversation with you about how you are not a mean grumpy old man. How I look and see your best self and that’s not who you’re best self is. (I went on to talk about his leadership skills and time in the military and all that.) If you practice with not responding as a mean grumpy old man, when it’s important and stressful and hard, it will be easier for you to respond with (list traits related to his time as a leader). This is what I meant. You blew me off then. I hope you’ll chose to work on this while you are away from me.

      Me: I’m scared you’ll hit me.
      Dad: When was the last time I hit you?!
      Me: When I was in 9th grade (lists the details of that event.)
      Dad: Whatever. I don’t remember but I believe you. (This is an issue we’ve had in therapy in the past.)
      Dad: That was seven years ago, what, are you going to hold the fact that I spanked you when you were three against me? The fact that you react negatively when I yell at you, “sounds like a you problem.”
      Me: PTSD doesn’t just get better because time passes.

      (After dinner we went to Target and I loaded up on junk food. He often scolds me for eating junk and I really hoped he say something. I would have snapped back with, “Well, if you think seven years cures PTSD then it’s certainly reasonable to think a few nights of sugar parties will cure the stress of moving and dealing with you.” But he didn’t say anything. The pity party I threw for myself did help though. I know emotional eating is concerning but it does act as a temporary balm for depression and bullshit.)

      Me: I live here and I deserve to feel safe in my own home. (Details about living where I used to live and the reasons for the move.)

      Me: I should not have to balance the stress and impact to my health with the assistance you provide doing the things I can’t and with the hope you will love and support me in the ways I deserve.

      Me: You’re influence makes me a worse person. I hear the horrible things you say to me and then I hear in my head what you would say in response. And I’m so tempted to say it back.

      He called me a narcissist repeatedly and said I was being oblivious to the fact that he had feelings and thoughts of his own. I pointed out that his argument was “You should be able to control your emotions in response to me, but I shouldn’t have to control my actions in response to my own emotions.” and that yes, I’m in therapy to help with the emotions -> thoughts -> reaction -> action circle or whatever it is, but its not perfect and its never going to be.

      I tried two other times to talk to him about it again and told him I didn’t feel like he listened to me at all.

      I called my mom and had a huge cry.
      It’s clear dad really loves mom even though he can be a bitch to her at times and talks disrespectfully about her. They had all sorts of arguments in front of me growing up. But when dad talks about how much he loves her he talks about how he didn’t feel he was worthy of her, that she could do way better than him. (Mom’s a Wharton grad and really went places where as my dad was enlisted in the military.)
      I’ve had all this intrusive thoughts about saying things to him along the lines of how he isn’t worthy of her. I’m so glad something like that never came out of my mouth. But just the fact that I thought them really upset me.
      It came up that dad’s always had self esteem issues and he still doesn’t feel worthy of my mother.
      I talked to her about how as a kid I was afraid they’d get divorced and I didn’t know what that would be like, logistically. I often asked her why she married him.
      Mom asked me how I’d feel if they did get divorced. She went on to say that I’m sensitive, and she’s not. That she still finds happiness with him and is able to let the times his a dick roll off her back.
      (Work is really stressful for her at the moment and she shouldn’t have to deal with him too :(
      I talked about how I think about her often when dad lays into me because I’ve seen him do that to her all the time I think about, if I was married to him, would I divorce him? But at this point, I only get one dad. And that’s what’s different about marriage and the parent – child relationship.
      I can’t make my dad be nice to me. But I can distance myself from him. Mom talked about the option for me to higher people, from church youth groups mostly, to do some of the work I need done. That would be a real blown to my dad’s ego. (He’s always been the stay at home parent. He always, always wanted to be a father. It was his deepest desire. But with no kids in the house, he’s spit balling about what he should do with himself. He wants to be useful.)
      She reminded me that I can build other relationships that are more meaningful and supportive than the one I have with my dad. I talked to her about the people currently in my life and the work I’ve been doing to find, for example, board game nights that I can physically get to on my own.

      I’m tired.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Your last paragraph, your mom is a really smart lady. It sounds like your dad has that part right about being wowed by your mom?

        Well, it sounds like you made your points and stated them clearly. Maybe he will think about some of those things later?

        No doubt in my mind you are tired. I hope you can rest. I hope your new place feels good to you.

  49. Gloucesterina*

    I need to buy a mattress in the next few weeks and am feeling very overwhelmed. What is the best way to limit the overwhelm (and, if I end up buying online) select a company that offers a durable product and easy return process? I’m in the US in the Madison, Wisconsin area if anyone can provide suggestions based on location.

    Thank you!

      2. Kimmybear*

        I bought a saatva mattress and it was good quality even if it wasn’t the right mattress for me in the end. Now waiting for a Casper mattress to be delivered.

    2. Penguin*

      I’ve used Tuft & Needle before- order online, ships to you, has a free-for-x-days return policy (90, I think, but I don’t remember for sure). I’m quite happy with my mattress after two years of use.

      Casper is another company that does the whole online mattress thing. They sound like they have a similar setup, but I haven’t used them myself.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      There are SO MANY now!
      Personally, I think you should at least visit a mattress store to look, feel and try some of the different types available (traditional, foam, hybrid, air). Once you’ve narrowed down to a type and firmness you prefer, then begin shopping around online.

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        It looks like there is a Mattress Firm clearance store in Madison so that may be a good place to start to test out a lot of different models to see what works for you. Then you can comparison shop around. I’ve heard good things about Leesa, Purple and Casper. They all seem to offer a similar return policy. Good luck!

    6. jDC*

      For sure make sure it has the certain period trial. I truly wish all did because you can test a mattress but until you sleep on it for a few weeks you don’t know. Also remember your back may hurt the first week, which is normal, but it shouldn’t still cause pain once you adjust to it. I know your looking online. Westin has the Heavenly bed which you can buy through other retailers and at different ranges, many online. It’s all I’ll sleep on! Pricing is decent and I love it. I also stay at Westin’s when I can so no bed change back pain.

  50. Stitch*

    I had all these intentions of making my own baby food and doing baby led weaning and all that. But guys, my kid absolutely loves Gerber sweet potatoes and carrots and I do not have time to make this stuff myself.

    Also my kid loves orange foods to the extent that he may turn orange like the kid in the Magic Schoolbus episode.

    1. valentine*

      Kid’s got good taste.

      Any chance you can switch them with a notorious orange person? Asking for a planet.

    2. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Yeah, that can happen. My kid loooved carrots so much that he got some with every meal. And he really did turn a bit orangish. It was kind of hilarious.

      1. Sleepless*

        It can happen even if they don’t get a ton of them! It happened to my son, and even my husband remembers it as me giving him sweet potatoes at every meal. He got them once a day. He was just really, really fair complected.

      2. Lady Kelvin*

        Mine doesn’t hate carrots, but it is definitely the last thing he eats if we offer him choices. He loves broccoli. He stuffs the whole thing in his mouth and sucks/chews on it. I don’t think he’s actually swallowed any of it yet, but that’s ok with us. He’s not quite 6 months yet, so he’s still figuring out how to eat. We are doing BLW-lite in that we like the idea but aren’t strict followers.

        1. Stitch*

          My son gagged and threw up when I tried giving him son pieces of avocado. I think babies may just be different and my kid wasn’t ready for BLW even at 6 months.

          1. Overeducated*

            Mine too. He had a VERY strong gag reflex. I tried making my own purees once or twice but didn’t have the right equipment to get it really smooth. So I am a big fan of prepared baby food!

    3. Clisby*

      My son loved baby-food spinach until he was close to 2 years old. I kept in on hand because it was a no-fail snack. Go figure – today spinach is one of his least favorite foods.

    4. Nita*

      I think I’m going to start going the jar-food route soon. My eight-month-old has developed a spitting habit. Unless she loves loves loves her meal, she starts blowing raspberries with her mouth full after the third spoonful. She’s also not sleeping well so I usually don’t have energy to make fine cuisine for her :( Much easier to use the store-bought stuff to give her some variety.

    5. NiceOrc*

      Oh yes, with my first baby I grew spinach, carrots, etc, cooked it without any salt, sieved it to a puree & fed him tiny spoonfuls of one food at a time so we could check for allergies. He also had only cloth nappies which were washed in pure soap & hung on the line to dry in the sun, plenty of nappy-off kicking time and was hardly ever left to cry, carried around in a sling a lot.
      By the time my third baby came along, he got fed pretty much what the rest of the family had (just mashed a bit), was joining in with takeaway night by 7 months, disposable nappies, if he had his nappy off he would most likely pee on something his siblings were doing, and crying was a sign he was still alive! It’s hilarious how much my priorities changed! I would like to be able to give younger idealistic me a bit of a shake! (Or maybe a large gin…)
      Now, quarter of a century later, they are both lovely young men (if I do say so myself!) and don’t show many signs of their dopey mother’s well-meaning child raising. No1 isn’t keen on vegetables and has asthma and eczema. No3 is training to be a chef…

  51. Lora--fiber goats*

    Re: question about fiber goats

    – Fiber groups that have annual fairs are typically organized by state or region and are an excellent starting point for meeting farmers, meeting animals, small scale processors and wholesale yarn vendors.

    – Mohair goats need sheared twice a year, which they tolerate to varying degrees. There’s tricks to doing it quickly and well, it’s best to have a professional shearer show you how. It’s not like shaving a dog. Cashmere goats blow their coats in late spring just like a big fluffy dog, and you can comb them with a Furminator to collect the cashmere just like brushing a big dog. They actually enjoy it, if you don’t brush them they scrape themselves against a fence or trees, they’re clearly itchy.

    – I usually try to at least skirt the fleece and wash it once before I take it to the fiber mill. The mill washes it a second time before they card and spin it into yarn. I usually ask for a blend with either 20% alpaca or merino, which sometimes the mill gets for me if I’m too busy or I get it from Etsy or I get some ahead of time at a fiber fair if I can.

    – The fiber is returned to me as yarn and I use dye from Dharma Trading Co to dye it. I try to do a test batch of different colors first, I have a hooked rug type thing I made for color reference and I have some dyes that are just favorites.

    – Luxury fiber yarn can be sold for exorbitant prices. We’re talking $30-37/skein. However, considering cost of hay, dewormer, the processing fee, my time… probably break even, it’s like paying myself minimum wage. But, it’s at least a hobby that pays. Sometimes I put a few of them in the yard for weed control, so I guess they save me on weed whacking.

    Let me know what other questions you have!

    1. fposte*

      Did you happen to leave near a fiber mill, or am I living amid fiber mills wherever I am without even knowing it? You mention it so casually.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        You probably are surrounded. haha.
        I ended up with a hat made from sheep’s wool raised in my own town. I treasure it.
        You might want to check your county to see if they do an annual fiber tour. If yes, you can get an idea what is going on.

      2. Lora--fiber goats*

        You may be surrounded by fiber mills! I’m in New England and had several to compare prices, went with one in VT that is mid-priced but consistently priced (many will change pricing depending on who knows what factors) and had the best communication with me about fiber types and what can be done with them, and understood special requirements for mohair (it’s quite slippery and hard to spin).

        It’s sort of a quirky thing, they find enough customers through local ag extension offices and word of mouth and festivals. They don’t need to advertise much and in any case it wouldn’t help – so few people need their services who don’t already know about them. There’s always a waiting list every year, you have to reserve a spot early in spring with an estimate of how much fleece you’ll have.

        There are also collectives, sort of Grange-like arrangements in some states where small scale producers and people who have only a few fiber animals will pool their fleece with farmers who have the same type of fleece (e.g alpaca) and you get back a blend of yarn made from everyone’s fleece. It’s cheaper but if you have a particular quality or color fleece you’re trying for, you won’t get that – if you have kid mohair, cashmere or suri alpaca then you have it done separately. But, the larger mills that handle those big mixed batches also will machine-knit socks, hats, mittens etc. for a small fee that people will get back and sell at farm stands and festivals, either natural colors or dyed.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      Thank you — this is great!!

      I’m going to research and see if there are fiber fairs around me. :)

      How many goats do you have and how much yarn do you get on average?

      1. Lora--fiber goats*

        I have 22 goats total but only 2 are mohair and 12 are cashmere. The rest are dairy. Mohair goats produce about 15 pounds of fleece per year, cashmere much less – barely a few ounces per goat.

        There’s a lot lost in processing, about 1/3 of the raw fleece weight will be lost after washing and carding. But mohair and cashmere are both spun very fine, either sportweight or laceweight so even that small amount can make 100+ skeins. 1 sweater = 4 skeins usually, depending on the pattern. I only send stuff to be spun about every other year.

  52. RMNPgirl*

    I’ve been thinking about trying online dating again. I tried eHarmony over a decade ago and nothing came of it. I’m a little scared to put myself out there (mainly because of my weight), but I am an introvert and it’s been difficult meeting people since I’m not someone to go out places. So does anyone have recommendations for what sites are best?
    I’m not looking for hookups, I really want to make a connection, I very much enjoy intellectual conversations, I’m in my mid-thirties, and I have no preference on sex/gender.

    1. Courageous cat*

      I don’t get why people always say Tinder is for hookups. It, like anything else, is completely dependent on the person.

      My thoughts: use Tinder or Bumble. Be open about what you want on there. Don’t bother with the sites (if anyone even still uses them then I am not sure I would be keen to go out with them – they’re pretty outdated IMO) and definitely do not pay for anything.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I met my partner on Tinder! We were both interested in something real, and we found it there. (Two and a half years ago!) It’s a sucky interface, all the swiping and x-out visuals feels gross, but it’s where the people are in my area and it was worth a short experiment. As with all sites, you have to bring your best radar to weed out the bullshit.

        I hadn’t dated in more than a decade and really feared being judged for my weight. It wasn’t easy to get started. But full-body photos and a little bravery got me started.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I know you didn’t ask for advice on how to go about it, but I can’t help myself :)

          Photos were important to feeling okay with blind dates. I wanted them to be good, but not My Best Pictures Ever so I didn’t fear they’d be disappointed. Full-length was critical, so I knew they saw my body. Again, good but not TOO good. I considering taking pics of me in my natural habitat (ex, in a museum) as a way of signalling who I am. Maybe no one would even notice that…I don’t know.

          The small talk deterred me, too, but ultimately I just accepted it. I would chat just enough to know they’re a sane-sounding human who can use whole sentences, set up a date soon (like, within a week), and see how it went in person. In my experience, the lead-up chatting is often misleading anyway — maybe they aren’t great in writing, or you get a huge crush on someone you aren’t attracted to IRL, or they aren’t who they seemed. I find in person is the only way to know, so the sooner the better!

    2. Gloucesterina*

      Dear friends of mine met on Tinder, and they both love reading, artmaking, and the like. I really love spending time with them both!

    3. TechWorker*

      Not sure what country you’re in but I had better success with plenty of fish (PoF there’s at least two websites with similar names..) as the profiles were longer and it was thus easier to filter out weirdos or people I obviously wouldn’t be compatible with than other sites. Tinder seemed to mostly involve vague small talk or sexual propositions, though I know plenty of people who met there :)

    4. Angwyshaunce*

      I used to be against dating sites, largely because the big-name ones sounded horrible. Then I stumbled across a small specialized site, tried it out, and found my now-spouse (I was definitely very lucky). So maybe try smaller specialized sites? (Ours was geek-to-geek – we bonded over our love of board games, video games, books, and crafting.)

    5. Clever Name*

      I met my boyfriend who now lives with me (and we are looking at rings) on Bumble. It’s like tinder where you can only message someone if you both like each other, but the woman messages the man first (yes, very heteronormative). I got quite a few dates through okcupid as well.

      You will get better quality dates if you are honest and upfront with who you are and what you want. You’ll find your person.

    6. CoffeeforLife*

      I met my partner on Tinder several years ago. I never experienced the unwanted pictures or nasty comments-not sure if I should be offended (mostly kidding). I am introverted and hated putting myself out there but I also wanted to date!

      This probably isn’t new advice, but try to join groups/activities that you enjoy and you’ll meet like minded people. Meetup is a good app and they have such a huge rang of groups (hiking, card playing, political activism, board games, lunch buddies, etc.). Participating in things you enjoy can also strengthen your social network, maybe you’ll go out with the sibling of someone from the volunteer group you join.

    7. RMNPgirl*

      Thanks everyone for the advice! Whatever I do, I will definitely make sure to be myself because ultimately I want to find someone who likes me for me.

  53. JediSquirrel*

    Thank you to whomever recommended Love, Death, and Robots on Netflix last week. That was quite a ride!

    2. Lady Jay*

      Isn’t it awesome? Which is your favorite episode? Mine are the three John Scalzi ones (esp. Three Robots), though I also loved Suits.

      1. JediSquirrel*

        I must admit, the Three Robots one was so wonderful. I was not at all surprised to see it was a John Scalzi story. It took a great turn at the end.

        I would love to see a second season as well. Fortunately, The Umbrella Academy and Lost in Space are getting a second season. Unfortunately, they cancelled Firefly and Clubhouse after one season and ST: Enterprise and The Fosters after only four, so I don’t have a great history here. :(

  54. Bigglesworth*

    My spouse has officially asked for my help to create a meal plan for him. He has ADHD, anxiety, and depression and although he works in a labor intensive job (electrician/construction), he’s officially passed his heaviest weight. Any help or advice for creating meal plans for two busy full-time workers who are also part-time students (I’m a full-time law clerk/part-time law student).

    My goal: work with spouse to help create a system that he can work within and then do on his own. I don’t want to manage his meals forever and he knows this.

    1. fposte*

      I might do a bit of a food diary/assessment first. What is your husband’s food intake and where? How much food buying does he do? Somebody who faithfully brown bags and eats only what you bring into the house is going to be in a different situation than somebody who buys lunch out every day and hauls home snacks and soft drinks and premade meals from the store twice a week. Often for something like this it’s a behavior plan as much as a meal plan. Brian Wansink unfortunately got caught fudging some of his data, but a lot of his ideas are still sound, so I still think Slim by Design is worth a read, and it can point you to creatively thinking about not just what to eat but how to set your life up so you’re likelier to do it.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Hmmm…a food diary is probably key. Although I can usually figure out when (or if) he eats out whenever we do the budget every week, that doesn’t necessarily tell us when and what he eats that comes from the house. He typically doesn’t buy any food, but has been learning to cook since we received a discount on HelloFresh for four weeks. That’s ending soon, so finding a substitute way of meal planning is key – especially as I go into my last year of law school.

        Thanks for the recommendation for “Slim by Design”. I’ll have to see if it’s at our local library or on Kindle.

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      This is tough without more information. What kind of foods do y’all like and eat now? How good of a cook is he? Would it be easier to plan to cook for the whole week on the weekends, or does he hate leftovers and is able to carve out 30-45 minutes most nights? Does he need to pack lunches too? And, if so, does he have access to a fridge and microwave during the day?

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Sorry about the lack of information. I wasn’t sure what would be helpful when I initially posted. Here are the answers to your questions:
        – We way pretty much everything and anything. We switch between American, Middle-Eastern, and other ethnic foods. I jokingly say that my spouse is a human garbage disposal.
        – We regularly eat leftovers for lunches. I can say pretty confidently that he is not going to carve out time every day to cook the next day’s food. For myself, it’s easier to cook all at once, but I don’t know about him. The ADHD impacts his executive functioning in thinking about the future and planning for it (the now versus not now thinking), so that’s definitely something he has to consider.
        – He does have to pack lunches and regularly eats leftovers or pbj sandwiches for lunch. No fridge or microwaves at work. Since he’s a construction electrician, he’s usually there before fridges or any other food devices are brought onto the job site.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Probably the best place to start is nailing down the foods/ingredients he wants to avoid. If you write a list you can work off of that list to rule out ideas.

      Another helpful thing is to get an idea of how many new-to-him foods he would like to try or what types of new foods he would like to try. This will help the menu to feel less limiting/confining.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      Like Muttismycopilot says, there’s too many unknowns to make specific recommendations. Lets assume that you don’t want a new meal every day and might even find comfort in repetition. Then you might like a cycle menu. (And anywhere I say “you” I mean the plural form, you and/or your husband.) You can creat cycles of any length, but 2-3 weeks is best. When you get bored you can swap new meals in. The best place to start is with what you already eat. Make a list and see what would work for what you need. Then seek out other similar recipes. For your lifestyle you probably want recipes that double and freeze easily. You could make a double batch of things on a night when you’re cooking anyway and pack up the rest in lunch containers in the freezer. You could microwave them at lunch or prep a thermos In the morning.

      Do you have a slow cooker or instant pot? I like to make giant batches of things like meatballs and pulled chicken and use them for all sorts of different meals.

      For breakfasts someone could make big batches of breakfast burritos or overnight oats. For lunches you could prep salads in advance. Or you could make and freeze sandwiches and then have fridge and pantry bins full of sides and a lunch is a sandwich plus one thing from each bin. That’s a recommendation for helping kids pack their own lunch, and I think it could work for you as well. I think you’ll both benefit from solutions that eliminate choice and decisions in the moment.

      If you can spare a day for cooking you could batch cook or batch prep all the meals for a period. It’s a lot of work, but some people love it. There are tons of prepping videos on YouTube. And I really like CookSmarts for recipes and kitchen know how. They have a menu subscription but also lots of free recipes and if you register you can see the meal plan archives. If your husband likes to eat out on the job then he can look up the calories for meals where he eats and choose one in advance that fits in his plan.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        On meal planning — I made a list, over the course of a week, of every meal that I could think of that I might occasionally cook for a regular dinner. (So not like, thanksgiving dinner or such.) I think I ended up with like 35 things before I stopped. Then I wrote each one of them on an index card, along with the ingredients to make it – not the full recipe, but the grocery list for it. I was really bad at things like, I’d put sloppy joes and tater tots on the menu but forget to get buns, because I don’t eat my sloppy joe on buns, I just put it straight on the tots. This avoids forgetting the buns.

        Every Friday night or Saturday morning, I shuffle the “deck of dinners” and pull out an appropriate number of dinners for the next week, write the menu up on the whiteboard in the kitchen, and use the cards to shop my pantry and create my grocery list for the week. That week’s cards won’t go back into the regular deck until after the next week’s dinners are pulled. But also — I have cards that say things like “a frozen pasta meal” or “sandwiches,” they’re not all like, three course meals or whatever.

        If you have a crockpot or instant pot, I’ve been pretty happy with a lot of the recipes from Once A Month Meals (dot com), most of them are available both ways and are written with both “freeze for later” and “prepping for today” instructions.

        1. IT Squirrel*

          I love this idea! I may have to instigate it just to bring some recipes into regular rotation that I don’t make very often but enjoy when I do. Possibly not for the whole week but as a ‘I need ideas for a couple of suppers this week’ way…

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I did it partly because I was making the same five things over and over again, and but mostly because going grocery shopping without a list was leading to things like, I had 14 cans of cream of mushroom soup because I kept getting a couple more every time it was on sale, or forgetting one key ingredient for something I was planning to make, or “I don’t want to mess with this, I’ll just order pizza”, and don’t even get me started on the bottom third of the chest freezer. (I also replaced the chest freezer with an upright, which has three times as much usable space in the same footprint, but is a thousand times easier to organize and keep track of contents.) But now I’m super strict with myself about making the list, about shopping the list out of the pantry/freezer before I go to the store, and most importantly — sticking to the list! I made a template that has the stuff I’m most likely to buy at my regular grocery store pre-printed with ticky boxes, sorted mostly the same way the store has it organized, which has also helped.

            But yeah, having the random pull has definitely shaken the rut up a bit :) There are times when I pull something and go “you know, I really don’t want to mess with that this week,” and put it back and pull something else, or times when I go “I really want x this week” and flip through the deck to find it – like, this week, my husband will be traveling for work, so I deliberately pulled the sweet and sour chicken card because housemate and I love it and husband does not. But when I just need *something* to put on the menu, and I don’t care what fills in the blank, it’s great. :)

    5. cat socks*

      The blog Skinnytaste posts weekly meal plans that are Weight Watchers friendly. Budget Bytes also posts meal prep ideas.

      Do you currently cook much at home? I don’t like cooking much but I try to plan meals for dinner at least during the week. If you’re looking for recipe ideas, these are some blogs I like in addition to the ones mentioned above.

      Mel’s Kitchen Cafe
      Recipe Tin Eats
      Iowa Girl Eats
      Pinch of Yum

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I cook a lot at home – it’s my stress relief activity. :) Spouse is more or less intimidated by the kitchen and trying to reach him how to cook has been an uphill battle. He’s totally fine with sandwiches for every meal and extras on Sunday, but I need a little more variety in my life. The interesting thing for the next nine months or so is that I’ll be at work all day (9-5) and then in class (6-10), so I won’t be cooking at all. We have a few more weeks before school starts and he’s willing to learn how to cook these days, it’s just getting to realize that we have a ton of ingredients – he just has to figure out how to put them together.

        1. Gloucesterina*

          Oh, what he means by creating a meal plan is developing a repertoire of dishes that you all like that he can learn to cook for himself? That sounds like so much fun but I’m rather like you in my view of cooking :)

          If you have Netflix, the show Salt, Acid, Fat, and Heat covers the basics in an engaging way. I do wish that I knew when I started out learning to cook how important salt is. I also like the blog Smitten Kitchen for well-illustrated recipes that really take the cook by the hand. The pasta with chickpeas recipe is one I could imagine being very simple and satisfying for a new cook.

    6. jDC*

      Meal prepping is key! A lot of people really love their instant pot for meal prep. I do hard boiled eggs, some chicken breasts (olive oil and some salt and pepper) and veggies on Sunday night so I can make different dishes out of them through the week. It also really helps to have some healthy food ready to go for when I’m hungry and lazy.

      1. Asta*

        Sorry if this is a dumb question but I never understand when people say they use eg chicken breasts throughout the week. Do you mean they last a whole week in the fridge or are you freezing them?

        2. Kc89*

          Google says cooked chicken is safe to eat 3-4 days after cooking as long as it’s properly refrigerated

          A lot of people don’t go by rules like that either but instead go by does it look/smell/taste okay, so I’m sure a lot of people eat chicken on Friday that was cooked the previous Sunday

          I’m a bit more conservative with that though I only eat leftovers within a couple of days

          1. jDC*

            It usually lasts me until about Thurs, depends. I said Sunday night but basically forgot that since i moved I’ve been doing it Monday morning, since I work from home now. I did read the 3-4 days but will check to see and still eat it depending. Probably helps that my fridge is cold as heck, things freeze toward the back even on low setting.

            I also sometimes end up using it for dinner for the family. Throw it into a salad or pasta dish when I’m feeling lazy.

          2. lasslisa*

            Our house rule of thumb is a week. Yeah, it’s longer than the official food safety recommendations, but those are intended for widespread restaurant use (across a population), so they’re going to be quite conservative. And no one in our household is immunocompromised.

            I wouldn’t eat week-old raw meat, probably, but previously-fully-cooked leftovers doesn’t bug me.

    8. YetAnotherUsername*

      https://ot.rte.ie/

      This is a weight loss / get fit programme (and app) that includes pdfs of shopping lists, recipes, and exercise videos for you to follow. Its not a “diet” as such it’s a healthy eating and exercising plan.

  55. Anonningisnecessary*

    I could use some commiseration, and/or some internet hugs.
    I’m just so tired of my family member’s bs. Gezus, the entitlement & hypocrisy is just getting to me.
    Examples;
    Insists on organic – but eats (nonorganic) junk food all day. Chips & cookies. Every damn day.
    Periodically, can’t eat solid foods….but then IMMEDIATELY goes back to chips and cookies. And never days word one (about organic) if we decide to order out. I’m
    Straight up told another family member that she doesn’t trust him – but sure as EFF doesn’t have a problem taking the HUNDREDS of dollars that he sends every month.
    Will not bathe. Omg the funk.
    I wish that I could win the lottery so that I could set up housing that is NOT HERE.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      *HUGs*

      If it helps, sometimes it helps me to deal with the crazy by pretending I’m Jane Goodall, observing the chimps flinging their poo and documenting their odd behavioral patterns. Speaking of primates, that reminds me of another term that is useful with drama llamas: not my circus, not my monkeys. It’s not your problem, and if other people make it your problem, you don’t have to be a part of their drama, you just have to extricate yourself from it or, at worst, placate them until they go away if you’re worried about your emotional/mental health and/or physical safety.

      1. Anonningisnecessary*

        This in in MY house, so sadly it is my monkeys/circus (lol,and I’ve disliked monkeys since I was a kid).
        I try to be understanding, because this person really does have health issues. But I don’t know how much is ‘can’t and how much is ‘won’t’. And this person actively looks up hidden illnesses. Because they have to have ALL of them. No, seriously, you have a rash because you haven bathed in two months, NOT because you have this totally rare disease that .02% of the world population has.

        1. WellRed*

          Health issues or not, it’s totally reasonable to make hygiene a condition of living there.

    2. Nita*

      Been there, and hugs – this is seriously draining. It’s been years and I no longer live with the person, and I still feel queasy and high-strung when I’m around them. They’re not happy I’m always finding excuses to stay very far away, but they made this relationship what it is, so… I’m probably going to end up care-taking for them one day, so I’m saving my strength for that.

      In your relative’s case, are there mental health issues? Are they being addressed? My relative has a whole bouquet of diagnoses, and it took a long time to get them under control. Objectively, though, they’re less of a jerk when getting the right treatment… it’s just that I’ve put in so much time dealing with the BS that I don’t know if I can put the past behind me.

      1. Auntie Social*

        (( hugs )) . . . from someone who just had a bath. (I understand the hygiene thing. I had to regularly tell a family member that she smelled like a hobo. Oy.)

  56. Amethyst*

    For the last couple months I’ve been busy working on this old beat-up dresser to convert it into usable kitchen counter space. (My counters in my apartment are absolutely laughable. Approximately 3 feet total, but split up since my sink’s in between the two.) There are…tracks, I suppose, to keep the drawers on track. But the drawers don’t sit level; the back slants inward to rest on these tracks, since the drawer fronts are bigger & they designed the drawer boxes behind the faces smaller, hence the slanting. So I decided I’d get some fancy soft-close drawer slides (OMG, they’re so much fun to play with, y’all!) & fix the issue.

    Except the mouths of the drawer slots draw inward so I can’t do a proper install. THEN I decided to sand down the mouths so it’d rest flat with the inner walls. Nope. I just discovered today that I can’t do that as there are nails there holding these things together. Jesus Christ. So I’ve decided I’m going to risk my drawers & drill small holes & just do bottom tread drawer slides cuz this is ridiculous. (For the record, the edges of the drawers on the bottom are less than 1/4″. Probably 1/8″ if I have to ballpark. I hope to the universe that this solution works so I don’t have to deal with scraping off the fresh paint with each open & close without the drawer slides.)

    I can’t wait until this is done, you guys. I’m sick of the surprises.

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I have VERY little counter space, too! One thing that we did was get a cutting board that is big enough to cover one sink, it rests on the counter & middle divider. Boom – instant space!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes! I actually have a good bit of counter space in my kitchen, but somehow there’s never enough — I got a cutting board that fits over the sink, as you describe, and I also have a wooden cover that sits on top of my flat-top stove. I got the cover purely so that people wouldn’t be piling plastic bowls or other meltables right on top of the stovetop, but when I’m not actually using the stove, it comes in super handy for extra places to set things. (I always have the stove buttons locked when the cover is in place so it doesn’t accidentally get turned on, which means I can’t put the cover on if any of the “hot’ indicators is still on the stove, it can’t be locked while it’s still “hot”.) I think a similar cover would work for a gas stove too as is – I’d be hesitant to try it on an electric coil stove without some tweaking, but maybe a cover that was up on little block legs so it’s not resting directly on the coils?

        1. Amethyst*

          Thanks! I’ve already tried that option & it’s just not workable for me. My layout is like this: Fridge against the wall, efficiency-sized electric stove, 1 1/2ish feet of counter space, one sink (not split), 2ish feet of counter space, then deep cabinets take up the rest of the wall. There’s a pegboard running from above the stove all the way to where the deep cabinets start.

          I swear the architect/designer was a man.

          So I need my dresser done ASAP. *sigh*

  57. OyHiOh*

    So . . . . . . . . . . Neptune and I went on a date last night. We both tried to say that it was just friends doing a couple fun things together but anyone who knows either of us, who sees the photo a friend of his took of us, is going to know better. We’ve been having all these proper and respectful lunches and breakfasts for months, I didn’t realize we had chemistry too until we went out in an entirely different context.

    I’m considering starting a bakery business. Specialty French style pastries and breads. Our state’s cottage industry laws are flexible enough I can start small with advance orders out of my own home kitchen. I’ve got thousands of hours of experience in the skills needed and know quite a bit about small business operation + have a good network of people who teach this stuff who will give advice or point me to the right resources.

    Six months ago, tomorrow, Mr. Oy died. My world has shifted and changed in the most unexpected ways. It’s very strange to say that a death has brought good things into my life, but it has. There are so many hard “first time without him” days still coming this year – first day back to school in a week and a half, days and holidays in the fall and winter – and there will be days and things I wasn’t able to anticipate that will catch me by surprise too. But being able to accept that change is inevitable, being able to find the positives in change, has brought about many good things.

    1. Aphrodite*

      Thank you for this post, OyHiOh. It wasn’t a death for me, but the changes you are talking about resulting from something very difficult are also affecting me. Like you, I am struggling right now, and have been for several months, but there are, and will be, good things coming about. I’m finding it’s about trust in the Universe and myself and accepting that new and good can come out of bad.

      1. Arjay*

        Thank you both, these are words I needed to hear today. I suffered a great loss yesterday, and the bitch of it is that the person I lost is the one who would tell me to trust in the universe and that good things will come.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am hearing a childlike wonderment/amazement here. This can and does happen. Good for you OyHiOh, good for you. Not everything that happens after a huge loss is sad or negative. It just isn’t. Doors that were once locked or even hidden, suddenly fly open. I can’t explain it, but I know it happens. Keep following your path, your next chapter is setting up right before you as you go along.

    3. Alpha Bravo*

      Mr. Bravo died almost two years ago. Those firsts are hard, but you’ve come so far, Oy, and what a beautiful example you are setting for your children. I didn’t know Mr. Oy, but I think he would be very proud of you.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I think he would be proud of what I’m doing as well. He didn’t want me to stand still, metaphorically speaking. He might have been surprised by the speed of change but that’s the way things are working out.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Tears in my eyes. Happy ones. So, so pleased. I’ve read every post,and rooted for you. Coming up on one year in 3 more weeks… since Mr. NoLonger faded completely away. It amazes me how God (or the Universe, for those who have a different belief system) does work things out so that we are always growing and learning.

      The bakery sounds wonderful….I think the phrase is “you’ve got this”

  58. Quagga*

    Any advice on hosting parties in general and entertaining kids in attendance, but the party is NOT a kids’ party? I’d like to host a housewarming and most of my friends have young children (oldest is 8, down to 1.5 years old). As a host, I think it would be nice to make sure the kids are entertained, but I don’t necessarily want to go all-out in buying a ball-pit, etc. and I think most parents tend to bring things for their own kids anyways? Parents, what have you appreciated when you’re being hosted by other people?

    1. Quagga*

      Oh, and just quickly want to add that there is no outdoor space for the kids to play in, unfortunately.

    2. Thursday Next*

      A child-safe area is always appreciated! Somewhere with no breakables and no furniture that can be pulled down. (Also: no sharp or hot things.) When a space wasn’t really kid-friendly, I found that I spent a lot of time monitoring my kids and not fully engaging with the adults as much as I’d have liked.

    3. The curator*

      I am children’s librarian therefore always have something for the kids. Picture books, board books for the little ones. a big thick informational book about animals or space or Star Wars, a writing box, cartoon panels, a low table with these supplies in easy reach. If you are worried about the table , clipboards work fine too.
      Someone will need to watch the littlest ones, either their parents or hire a teen to do finger plays, songs and games.
      Suggest that parents might want to bring a pack n play for the littlest, so that they know the whole family is welcome. Google Writing Box UMN for suggestions for books and independent writing activities.

    4. Washed Out Data Analyst*

      Set aside a ‘play area’ stocked with books, crayons, paper, coloring books, and any board games or card games you have. Also, if it is not disruptive to the event, I’m not above putting on a Disney movie or something.

      My entire childhood consisted of going to dinner parties/being around my parents hosting dinner parties where people would bring their kids. This is so common in our culture that kids usually prepare and bring their own stuff. I would always bring a book. When my parents hosted, I was able to share my own toys and stuff with the kids. It’s a bit difficult when the kids are vastly different age ranges, from toddlers to preteens, but you can usually hold it down for a couple of hours.

    5. The Rat-Catcher*

      When going to an event like you’re describing, I’m far more worried about my kids damaging your home than entertainment. I’ll of course do my best but what is most helpful is if valuables are out of reach and sharp corners aren’t around. If you do want to provide entertainment, my all time favorite recommendation are these special coloring books they make. They come with markers that color only on the book’s pages, but not any other surfaces.

    6. NMFTG*

      Lots of kids are used to screen time, and may bring tablets etc. so if you have wifi available some of the kids (particularly the oldest ones) may end up sitting very quietly with their devices, if you let the parents have your wifi password. Don’t loan out your own devices, though.

      Also, if it’s a housewarming party with alcohol – grown-ups may get louder than normal even on very small amounts, and that might be scary or uncomfortable (as a loud concert may be for you) for kids, so make sure to monitor/restrict noise and boisterousness-levels to keep all your guests happy.

    7. LibbyG*

      Sounds fun! If a bunch of the kids are <5, you might consider a brunch-time party. My kids are always at their best in those mid-morning hours. Mid afternoon is hard, because of napping, and evenings can get wonky because of bedtime and being overtired. And being indoors from 10-noon is kinda nice because of the direct sun.

      One party model I’ve enjoyed: fire-up a couple waffle irons and ask your guests to contribute a topping. It’s fun to have this huge array of delicious sauces and stuff. Once a guest brought this amazing chocolate whisky sauce.

      However it unfolds, I hope it’s super fun! And congrats on the new place!

    8. spiralingsnails*

      1. Food & drink: You definitely don’t need a full restaurant kids menu, but it’s nice to have a couple simple things available for beginning eaters. Smaller cups means less of a mess when a spill happens (and do NOT serve purple grape juice!) Having a stack of napkins/paper towels helps, as does having a towel stored nearby.
      2. Activities: Even just blank printer paper and a box of crayons will help. Bubbles are fun & cheap but getting a spill out of the carpet is tedious so YMMV.
      3. Cleanliness: a stepping stool in the bathroom so they can reach the sink, soap moved forward, and put an extra handtowel out on the counter.
      4. Safety: Have a kid-safe zone set up in (or in a room just off of) the main area with all the breakables removed, safety plugs in the outlets, and small choking hazards picked up. That’s where the kid activities get put.

  59. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Dealing with conjunctivitis today ;((( but hubs and I put an offer on a starter house. Meets 88% of our requirements (we’re perfectionists), good schools, lovely neighborhood near a hiking trail.

    There’s 6 total offers for said house so honestly we probably don’t have a chance. We did offer 20% down, no contingencies, prequal, etc. but requested seller’s credit in closing costs since the 2nd floor is a $5k fixer-upper. Tub looks 40 yrs old and filthy, but lower level has wood floors, a picture window that would be a perfect cat perch, and a small yard that has possibilities….

    What factors do sellers look at when choosing an offer?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I’d like to say price.
      But I do know of an instance where the seller liked my friend even though my friend’s price was lower than another bidder. The seller said, “I am willing to go a little less because you are a kind person.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I should add, my aunt sold her place that she called home for decades after her hubby passed. She drove by it often, but I am not sure why. The owners absolutely wrecked the place, unfinished projects, lack of basic maintenance and so on. She cried. How well the next owner takes care of the house does indeed matter to some folks.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      One of my friends wrote a great letter to the homeowner (passed through the realtors) that talked about why that house was perfect for her family, about her kids going to the school nearby, the yard… and it was all true. It did get her the house, too. The owners were retiring and downsizing and had raised their own children there, volunteered at that school, etc.

      1. Luisa*

        We did the same thing – apparently it’s pretty common in the Boston area since the housing market is so hot. (Possibly it’s the same elsewhere.) I think we’d have gotten our house without it – the sellers were highly motivated, and we made a competitive offer, and ultimately I think those things mattered most – but the sellers and their agent did specifically say that the letter made an impact.

    3. lifesmpossible*

      Someone on here previously mentioned the different types of loans could make a difference. An FHA loan wants zero paint chips and no exposed nails, etc., so a seller would rather avoid hassles and go with the easiest.

      Other people on here mentioned contingencies… that case was losing a bid because their bid was contingent on selling, and the person buying their home was contingent on selling. That just turns it into a waiting game for the seller, and hurts their chances of bids, too.

      Seconding the suggestion of a letter. My future sister-in-law works in real estate and did that herself! It would have to be genuine though, and customized to a house. (Sort of like a cover letter. You don’t want a generic, “This dining room will seat our family perfectly,” if it’s truly something horrible. You’ll want to list specific things you noticed.)

      Money does speak… Given the option between a buyer who will suck it up and pay closing costs and one who asks for the seller to help with it, all other options the same, why would the seller pay that extra? In your case, asking for seller’s credit might hurt a bit.

      You might find some homeowners who are extremely proud of their home. My grandmother was heartbroken when she discovered that the old family farmhouse was trashed and burnt down; that home represented 30 years of blood, sweat, and tears! My in-laws still scoff at the guy who bought their home, since he doesn’t care for the lawn or deck whatsoever. In this way, if you stand out as a responsible person who wants the property to stay nice and taken care, that could be a plus. My understanding is that the bidding process may be secretive and a seller can’t assume buyer intentions (starter home for family vs. intentions to convert into rental), but that’s where a letter could play a role.

  60. coffee cup*

    A big thunderstorm has kicked off here! I’m in my flat watching lightning, hearing very loud thunder, and seeing mega heavy rain pouring down. I’m a bit worried there will be localised flooding, as it’s forecast to rain tomorrow too and I’m going to the book festival in Edinburgh (not far for me to go, but I have to either drive or get the train, both of which can be very weather-dependent!). It is quite nice to be safely inside watching TV while it’s going on dramatically outside. I’m getting a slight headache, though… I sometimes get those pressure-related ones when the weather is this heavy.

    I have to admit, though, I’m a bit scared of storms! Am I the lone pathetic person who jumps a bit when they hear thunder? Most people I know find them exciting (well, I do too, but only to an extent…).

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am not a thunderstorm fan, myself, and neither is my Elder Statesdog. Especially at night, if it starts to thunder after we’ve all gone to bed, she gets up off her usual pillow and carefully, carefully, tries to sneak up onto the bed and curl up in between my husband’s and my heads without stepping on either of us or on the Junior Partner. She’s actually pretty stealthy, for 75 pounds of senior citizen.

      A couple weeks ago we had like 36 hours straight of horrid downpour (that started while I was watching a documentary on the Dust Bowl, ironically enough) with on and off thunder and lightning — nobody really liked that one.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Very cute description of the elder dog. Mine hates thunder, gunfire, and fireworks. Sneaks from the foot of the bed (the allowed place) to head-in-my-armpit.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Fireworks are even worse than thunder, aye. The Fourth of July is the one night a year that the gates of Basement Land are opened and the litter box and cat food bowl are secured so she can go downstairs and hide under the housemate’s desk. Poor thing. (Usually Basement Land is cat territory; Junior Partner is a whippet mix and not very good at resisting her chase urges when she gets riled up, so they have a safe zone.)

    2. Bibliovore*

      I hate “big weather” as Mr. Bibliovore calls it. It was explained to me that this anxiety is normal because changes in atmospheric pressure increases my chronic joint pain. My body is feeling the changes and that in turn causes anxiety and that in turn amplifies pain. He loves “big weather” and enjoys what he calls a “thunder boomer”
      On the other hand , I am on the back porch with the rain falling, tucked into blankets. Not so bad.

    3. Mimmy*

      When I was little, I was excited whenever there was a severe thunderstorm warning. Nowadays, though, I get a little scared with lightning, especially if it’s bright because I know that means a loud thunder clap.

    4. jDC*

      We have thunder so loud here sometimes I shake. Midwest weather! I do love the rain though and cuddling up at home listening to it.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I love thunderstorms (as long as they don’t contain tornadoes; I live in the U.S. in an area where they can be very bad). But I still jump when there’s a loud crash right overhead!

      The rumbly ones with steady rain are the best. So soothing.

    6. blueberries*

      Where I grew up had thunderstorms commonly in the summer. I used to be quite frightened of them, but started (at 10 or 12) baking cookies through them. So now I get the urge to eat warm sweet things…..

  61. Owler*

    Any other caregivers to adult relatives want to share stories? I’m really struggling with supporting my mom. She lives in a low-level support wing at an adult community, which has been great for her. (I live two time zones away.) She’s pretty sedentary, and a cold turned into a week-long hospital stay for a bout of pneumonia. We are trying to fill gaps…a paid sitter to visit in the mornings; upping the amount of time the senior housing helps her; hiring someone to go to doctor appointments with her.
    It’s a lonely process because my mom was an independent person before an accident accelerated her aging. I’m young enough that none of my friends are going through this, although I’m lucky to have a sister (also long distance) to co-manage my mom’s well-being. We will have to move her near one of us at some point, but we don’t really want to take her out fo the community she’s been in for 50 years.
    No questions, I guess. I’m just looking to hear other stories from caregivers.

    1. Auntie Social*

      Are any of her old friends nearby? I got a lot of restaurant gift cards for my MIL. Allowed friends on a budget to have a nice lunch and get her out for an hour. Plus with seniors, you’ve bought them dinner too because they eat lightly.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      One of my aunts lost most of her friends and all of her immediate family in her home town. The idea of moving closer to her adult child suddenly seemed like a very good idea. This was a person who had no interest in moving, no interest in learning a new area or anything. When she lost her last sister that changed everything for her.

      She moved a couple hundred miles away with little to no hope of ever seeing her hometown again. Her new place was great. And she made the adjustment with a good attitude. But adult child and family became the center of her universe. Adult child and family loved my aunt so while there was still plenty of work to be done, it was not an awful situation.

    3. Owler*

      Yes, part of why she lives where she does is that she has a large social circle nearby. But she is only 75, and her friends are active enough that she can’t keep up. No one wants to sit and visit for long; they are playing cards or going out to dinner. This bout of pneumonia has left her with a short term need to use an oxygen tank, so she’s even more limited in getting out. I hope this is temporary, and PT can get her back to being more active, but it will take time.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        So I talked with my mom a long time ago about this… and I see two ways to do it. Move early enough, to build new friends where you relocate to. Or stay put, and then move when it does not matter.. that you are not going to leave the nursing home much, and your friends become those in the dining room/ lounge area. Your health is bad enough that the social life is by nature, limited.
        We elected to have her stay in her small town, aging in place with her friends nearby. Also, the circle is wide enough that most of them are aging at the same average speed. Her BFF is going into an assisted living apartment (shared meals in the dining room 2x a day) setup this fall, and another just died. Mom was actually very good about doing meals, cookies, visiting all the others until recently, but this last year – she’s turned a corner and can’t keep up.
        I sympathize – it’s a hard thing. I am struggling with what to do, as I still work full time, and having her here with me is very hard (I had her here for almost 5 months this winter). She needs activities, because she still is a very social and engaged person, just prone to frailty/falls… I can’t do daily entertainment and work as much as I do. (She is not a tv watcher and so wants to do “activities.”) Thanks to the horrible financial circumstances and the care taking I had to do for husband, now deceased, can’t retire off and care for mom. I feel for you. The pneumonia/ breathing thing is very hard (Uncle had that).

      2. Llellayena*

        Can you enlist the help of some of her friends? It seems like they still enjoy her company but aren’t interested in just sitting and chatting. If you can enlist some of them to ‘host’ a card night at your mom’s place (mom doesn’t do any work, but she also doesn’t have to travel) that might get her the company/interaction without the draining effort. This might reduce the pressure to move her somewhere else too.

  62. ToHellAndBack*

    I injured my shoulder about two and a half months ago, and have been seeing a chiropractor for a few weeks as advised by my doctor (I went to the doctor because I had daily pain and was avoiding many of my normal activities). When I started to feel less soreness, the chiropractor instructed me to start returning to my normal activities (including doing a lesser version of my light exercise routine). My pain is now back to the same level it was before, so I don’t know if seeing the chiropractor is helping at all.

    The chiropractor says I should get a special pillow, should start going to the gym to see a personal trainer to make sure I have good form, and that I need to add 15 minutes of treadmill warm up to the beginning of my exercise routine and cool down stretching to the end of my exercise routine (which would make my exercise routine a lot longer than the 25-30 minutes I was doing before…I hate exercising so I’m not happy about the idea of making it more of a chore).

    Is all that really necessary? I had no shoulder pain before my injury, so I don’t understand I need to spend more money and make changes if my pillow and exercise was fine before?

    1. university minion*

      Ask your doctor for a referral to a physical therapist. I’m surprised s/he recommended a chiro before a PT.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        This. Chiropractors provide alternative treatment that CAN complement medical treatment, but it is NOT meant to replace it in any way, shape, or form. I’d question any doctor who referred me to chiropractic before a PT, as university minion says.

    2. Two Dog Night*

      I am *so* not a doctor, but it sounds like you might benefit from physical therapy more than a chiropractor–maybe ask your doctor if they think a PT referral would be appropriate? Or get a second doctor’s opinion? If you haven’t seen an orthopedist, that might be worth it.

      I’m a big fan of chiropractic when it’s appropriate, but it doesn’t seem like it’s doing you good.

        1. ToHellAndBack*

          An xray! Is that standard for any injury, or do you say that because the pain has been around for so long? (My injury started out as severe chest pain, but the pain had migrated to my shoulder and was just constantly sore with occasional sharp pain by the time I went to see my doctor. Maybe he would have ordered an xray if I’d gone sooner. I thought it was just a pulled/strained muscle so I didn’t think to request one.)

      2. misspiggy*

        I’d agree.

        And I’d try not to use the shoulder for a good three days. (Obviously it will get used, it’s a shoulder, but be aware of it and try to do everything on the other side as much as possible.) Ice-pack it as often as you can and generally try to help it calm down.

        1. ToHellAndBack*

          Yes, currently back to using my shoulder as little as possible and using ice. I was surprised the chiropractor said to start doing normal things again before the pain went away fully. :(

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Agreed – don’t quote me, but in general, I believe chiropractic treatment is more intended to address chronic alignment issues, not acute injury treatment? I mean, I’m not a clinician, I’m a medical administrator, but in fifteen years of working with ortho medical records I’ve never seen an ortho refer a patient to a chiro for an acute injury — it’s pretty much always a PT referral.

        1. ToHellAndBack*

          The doctor that recommended I see the chiropractor was my primary doctor, not an ortho–guess they handle things differently! I sent my doctor a request for a PT referral. :)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            The pillow and trainer and whatnot might make more sense if you didn’t have reason to believe that the pain is from the injury. Like, if you’d just woken up one morning in pain that was continuing for that long? And like someone else said, depending on the injury, the pre-injury-status-quo as far as activity and “well, I did this before, so I should be able to do it now” and such many not pan out quite that way — but if you know when and how you injured your shoulder, and it wasn’t related to sleeping or your exercise routine, I wouldn’t put too much effort behind changing those things now. (And as far as the exercise routine goes, a PT should be able to give you tips on how to do things without aggravating the injury, if you decide that you are worried about it.)

            Good thoughts and safe healing!

      4. ToHellAndBack*

        I just saw my Primary Care Doctor, not an orthopedist. When my Primary Care Doctor examined me, he said I had big knots in my shoulder, so I guess that’s why he thought a chiropractor would help? The chiropractor said the knots have gotten smaller, but if I’m not doing better maybe it wasn’t the knots causing the pain. :/

        1. Quandong*

          It’s very odd to me that your primary care doctor recommended a chiropractor. I’m glad you’ve asked for a referral to see a PT.

          Did you actually get a diagnosis for your shoulder injury as part of the process with the chiropractor?

          In my life I’ve consistently had better treatment from physiotherapists than chiropractors. (I now won’t go to a chiropractor at all.) Even though I’ve seen different physios, they all gave me clear information about what my injury or problem was, and how they expected treatment to progress – including how may treatment sessions they anticipated. Being a client of physios meant better long-term follow up, exercise recommendations to reduce injury in future, and referrals to appropriate specialists when necessary.

          I hope you get appropriate treatment and advice soon.

          In the meantime, my advice would be to manage your pain, consider using several anti-inflammatory measures, and to stop doing exercise that involves the injured shoulder until after you have consulted a physiotherapist.

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          I am actually a fan of chiropractors, but I have chronic pelvis problems and have had for a very long time due to playing too many sports requiring torque and twisting of the spine. I would go to a chiro over a PT any day…. for a pelvis/spine issue. With my most recent injury 8 weeks ago (caused by, yes, twisting against an opposite force), I was shunted to a PT by insurance. The PT just gave me exercises that made everything worse to the point where after four weeks I couldn’t actually walk for any distance or get to work. So I found myself a chiro with experience specializing in sports injuries and he sorted me out pretty quickly after extensively going over my prior history and checking over the area/massage/acupuncture/adjustment.

          But for a shoulder issue? I question using a chiro for that. PT and massage would make more sense, as well as limiting use and ice for a while. The PT may also show you how to strap it up with tape to support motion if you are supposed to go back to exercising (or enable exercise). And no way would I put load on that muscle/joint/ligament right now with a personal trainer until you got a medical all clear from someone.

          My point, though, is that they can be complementary rather than one is good vs one is bad.

          1. spiralingsnails*

            Exactly, my family uses chiro, PT, or both depending on the exact problem. Even if it started as an injury that caused a misalignment problem, your shoulder pain now sounds far more like a soft-tissue issue (gesundheit! lol) so PT is more likely to help.

    3. Washed Out Data Analyst*

      I’m very skeptical of chiropractors. They are typically not licensed, so are essentially knock-off physical therapists. I would recommend a PT. I had to start seeing one recently due to a lot of tension in my shoulders, and it really helped.

    4. TechWorker*

      I think chiropody in general is a bit of a weird one in that it doesn’t have much scientific backing… so would second recommendations to see a physio instead. Otherwise though ‘I was fine before the injury so I should be able to return to exactly that’ is not necessarily a feasible short term goal. Depending on exactly what happened it might take time to fully heal – and it’s better to take precautions than to think you’re better and keep reinjurying yourself (Signed, someone who’s been there ;))

      1. ToHellAndBack*

        My issue is he’s blaming my pain on my pillow and my form when exercising, when those weren’t problems before my injury. If I buy a fancy new pillow and hire a personal trainer, is that really going to make the pain go away?

        How long did you take to heal from your injury? I’ve never had pain that lasted more than two or three weeks, so two and a half months seems really long to me right now. :/

        1. Reba*

          Obviously it varies hugely, but that sounds like a normal timeline for muscle and tendon stuff. Sometimes these injuries are mysterious. I had minor shoulder pain off and on for a year after a car accident. I’ve been dealing with a weird ankle all summer (probably because I can’t truly rest it because I live in a fourth floor walk up).

          Not sure what cardio has to do with anything but echo the calls for Physio, not chiro.

          Massage? Look for someone who says they understand pain relief and post injury.

          Hope you feel better soon.

        2. TechWorker*

          I can’t promise whether it will help – but it is definitely true that if you damage something even activities that were fine before might not be now.

          I’ve had a few long term-ish injuries but my partner had a shoulder injury that got mostly better quickly but then took about a year to fully go away (/would flare up again if he started weights training). When he saw a physio (~8 months after the original injury) they were able to recommend exercises to strengthen a particular muscle group that would help stabilise the joint. It wasn’t that his form was *wrong* or the form itself caused injuries, it was more that he was used to relying on the strongest muscles and he needed to strengthen ones he didn’t use much to prevent the injury coming back.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Ask the chiro why they recommend these changes.
      I am not clear on if the chiro wants you doing your full normal exercise routine or wants you to add a warm up and cool down to a lighter version of your exercise routine. The latter makes more sense to me.

      1. ToHellAndBack*

        Sorry–he wants me to add a warm up and cool down to a lighter version of my exercise routine (basically I’m just using lighter hand-weights than I was using before being injured). I tried adding the warm up and cool down once and ended up with more pain (I assume because I was moving around for a longer period, but maybe I didn’t pick the right kind of stretches to do–I just YouTubed it and followed a video that was 5 minutes, because the 10 and 15 minutes ones seemed too extensive).

    6. Bluebell*

      I injured my shoulder area back in January and after it didn’t get better by spring, I got a referral to a physical therapist in May/June. Unfortunately it didn’t help at all. What has helped the pain is acupuncture, but I skipped it for two weeks due to travel and now it’s acting up again. Luckily it mostly hurts in the early morning and gets better as the day goes on. So I guess my suggestion is to try acupuncture. I hope something helps!

  63. MOAS*

    How do I know if my therapy is right for me?

    I found someone a while back and have had 2 sessions so far. they are a psychologist, so they do not rx medicine but they did mention doing hypnotherapy. I’ve only had 2 sessions that consisted of talking (and crying lol).. I do like them, but I think I like the convenience more—I can text them, convenient location and times. My insurance does cover it and I haven’t had to pay a copay.

    How long should I stay at it to find benefit? I’m not looking to get medicine, and I certainly wasn’t expecting to be “cured” with 1-2 sessions, but wondering what I should be getting out of these sessions.

    1. Parenthetically*

      I think those are good questions to bring up with your therapist! Working together on goals is an important part of any therapeutic relationship and part of a therapist’s job is to work with you to figure out what you want to get out of therapy and what’s realistic and possible for them to help with!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed, where do you want to get to? It could be that a slower paced therapy is for you. In other words, it might take a month or two before something comes up that you want to discuss.

        1. MOAS*

          I have plenty of things to discuss with him, I just don’t know what to get out of it?. Every time I talk about something here or anywhere, the advice includes speaking to a therapist. which I am (psychologist is considered a therapist right?) I’m just wondering what I should be getting out of it. He is nice and I’m comfortable talking to him.

          1. Anon for this*

            Here are some ideas:
            -I want to develop better coping skills for my anxiety
            -I need to reframe or change the way I act in difficult relationships
            -I want practical help with my sleep issues
            -I want to learn how I got myself into the current mess I’m in (learning about myself / how to self-reflect)
            -I want to learn to communicate better with my family and friends

          2. Not So NewReader*

            To me, therapy should help me find my own thoughts on things. And it should lead to an action plan where I make changes in my life. This is just my opinion, though. Other people could be different for example, Terrible Thing happened to them and they want help finding their courage to continue on.

            The two times I went I needed a place to sort my many thoughts. I had a lot of background noise going on in my life and it felt like there was no space left in my brain for me to think about ME. Therapy seemed to be the only way I could get that time out from the busyness and noise around me. Both times were major live events. The first time I wanted to make a change in my life that would change the course of my life. So I had some control over whether this change happened or not. I found it daunting. The second time I went was when my father died. All I wanted was for the 20-22 hour long days to STOP. I had to sleep, I was missing so much sleep that I no longer trusted my own judgement. I double checked myself CONSTANTLY. This was a change that just happened to me and I had no say. I was devastated.

            Both times I went to therapy I expected an action plan. No action plan ever materialized. Part of the problem was that I was not good at explaining what I wanted. I was so buried in issues that I could not pull me together enough to say, “I need an action plan here.”

            My suggestion is to pick one thing. Pick something in the middle of your concerns, not the hardest concern but not the easiest either. Target that concern and see what the two of you can conclude about that concern. Then move to another concern.

        3. MOAS*

          It’s just that anytime I talked about anything here, the answer is “go to therapy”. Which is all good. I took that first step… But now it’s like… what next? What’s supposed to happen? Does it make sense to have a time frame? Like.. I want to be at point B in 6 months. And they help me get to point B

          1. Reba*

            That actually sounds like a great way of looking at it!

            Id bring this up at your next session, and you should be able to figure out if the therapist is someone who has that solution-oriented style, or is more like a digging deep emotional processing person.

            Maybe it would also help you track progress if you kept like a really brief journal of your sessions, what you talked about and how you felt after. Sometimes therapists give homework.

            Best wishes!!!

          2. Agent J*

            To answer that, what led you to therapy in the first place? Was it a specific incident or a general sense of something off? Your therapist should help you decide what you want your goals to be.

            Based on that, that would answer your question about timing. If you have a specific event or milestone coming up, then perhaps giving yourself a time-based goal is appropriate. But if you’re working towards general well-being or improvement, give yourself time to work through therapy and the insights it gives you. It can take time to process the things we’ve been through in life, and it’s better to take the time you need than to rush it.

      2. A bonny nonny mouse*

        I just started therapy earlier this summer, so hi fellow newbie! Personally I’ve avoided setting timelines because then I’ll stress about not meeting them. But in general I have 3 “story arcs” I’m tracking: 1. Stress. I have waaaay too much of it. So we’re talking about the things that stressed me out each week and how I can choose to handle them. Or, um, when to acknowledge that it’s not my responsibility and just let it go. I’m hoping that being more intentional about how I handle stress will eventually help reduce it and/or strengthen my coping skills. 2. I had suspected & now confirmed that I have low to medium anxiety. We’re gingerly starting to work on this by simply paying more attention to What I’m worried about and Why I’m worried about it. I’m trying to start practicing meditating, so now I have someone to remind me to Just Do It Already. 3. I grew up with a mentally ill parent and dealing with them now is still an emotional rollercoaster. Being able to talk about it -ALL of it- to a confidential sympathetic listener helps validate that yeah some parts of my childhood were really screwed up and yeah it’s hard dealing with a draining parental relationship now. Just feeling that my pain is validated is SUCH a relief, and getting my therapist’s reassurance that I am NOT doing that to my own children is balm for wounds I didn’t even know I had.

        So uh that’s kind of a long ramble but basically each session I try to make a little progress in one, two, or occasionally all three story arcs. Even if all we’re doing is exploring my character’s backstory. But if I felt like I wasn’t making any progress in any area after 2 whole months, I’d take a break for introspection or try a new therapist or both.

    2. LGC*

      So…what are you looking for? I think a lot of it is comfort – not so much that you feel comfortable in sessions, but with the therapist and their approach. It sounds like your therapist is at least a decent fit in session, and a great fit for your lifestyle.

      I can’t answer what you should be looking for because that’s individual to each person. Whether it’s coping strategies, support, understanding of yourself, or a mixture of those (or something else I’m leaving out), that all affects what you should look for.

      In this case, I would say…keep going until you feel like you’re not getting benefits from it. Or rather, that you feel worried about not getting a return on investment.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      +1 for parenthetically.
      I will add that for me, it has been like a very very slow change. The comparison – years ago, I lost my first 50 pounds, 1/4 to 1/2 pound a week. At the end of the first year – 25 pounds, and you really couldn’t even tell I’d lost anything in pictures. I was building important changes, and making improvements… but it was definitely a slow process.

      Therapy is like that for me. I see tiny, small incremental changes. I see a little less negative self-talk. I see a little glimpse here of me saying “no” or an ability to be self-aware or… little things. Ultimately, I think the end result is going to be a healthier me. But the foundation laying is taking time. And I don’t even see progress every week. But I am at the 10 month mark, and I ‘do’ see and recognize when the downward spiral starts, and it’s faster to get it addressed.

      But yes, we started out talking about our goals for me, and a lot of the speed that the change is happening is due to the very nature of my issues. YMMV. But I do know it was a little bit tough in the “right after the honeymoon is over stage” when I started tackling the difficult issues. (I’d compare it to ripping off the scab so the wound can heal). I’ll get there. The right therapist, and daily self-reflection, has made the difference for me this time.

      Thinking hopeful, supportive thoughts for you.

    4. LGC*

      (Apologies if you get two comments – I’m not sure if one went to moderation or got eaten by the internet gnomes!)

      So, Parenthetically actually gave the best answer – and this is actually part of your therapist’s job. (In fact, I had to do this with my own therapist this week.)

      Anyway, so…for your last question, I can’t answer that for you. For me, my therapist has mostly been there for support and coping strategies. So basically, we’ll walk through (honestly, somewhat routine) issues I’m going through in my life and she’ll help provide advice (which sounds like a description of what every therapist does, but not quite). She’s fairly blunt with me, which I appreciate a lot.

      I can provide one point of reference: do you feel “safe” with revealing sensitive information? A huge reason I’ve stuck with my therapist is because I feel like she actually listens to me, even though we have very different cultural points of reference. (Her: straight white woman, AFAIK. Me: gay black man. Unfortunately, together we do not fight crime.) And I’ve talked about a lot of things that are sensitive – like, how I feel around police and my own complicated feelings about law enforcement. That’s something that you might have to feel out in a couple of more sessions, at the very least, but what I’d personally look for is someone who listens as opposed to just stating their own feelings on what you should do.

      Right now, it sounds like your therapist…isn’t a bad fit at all, actually. You’re not sure what your aim is, but maybe that’s not obvious yet. You seem to feel that sessions are going decently well, and their schedule is a great fit for you. So, in your specific case, I’d definitely encourage you to give it a few months – and to work on figuring out your goals in the process.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Different types of therapy have different timelines. But my general rule of thumb for any type of life change is that it takes 30-45 days to see noticeable effects.

      Crisis? Your brain starts to normalize the situation in about 30 days.

      Habit formation? 30 days, minimum.

      New workout routine? 5 weeks to build new muscle tissue.

      And so forth.

      Give it at least a month to see how you’re doing. If you’re going once a week or less, give it 2 months. That’s just to assess. You probably won’t be “done” by then, but you should have a good idea if you’re making progress in the right direction.

      And definitely discuss your therapy goals with your provider. They should be able to give you an idea of their approach and how you move through it.

  64. Rebecca*

    I had a really nice weekend so far, saw old friends from my childhood neighborhood, picnic in the park with live music, beautiful sunny and not humid weather in the mid 70’s, and I even bowled 15 or so frames last night at our old community center! The caretakers opened it up, turned on the lanes, and wow, what a treat. I hadn’t bowled in about 30 years. I had 5 strikes, picked up a few spares, and I think this might be something I’d like to get back into. Now that I’m on new arthritis meds, I can grip the bowling ball, my approach is weird because I feel a little unsure on the waxed floor, but it was SO MUCH FUN!! Tonight my neighbor is stopping by and we’re going to try to spot meteors. And I downloaded a new app to identify stars and planets.

    Mom is dealing with the new cast, but after only 6 days the ortho had to split it, hack pieces off, etc. due to swelling, and honestly they’re supposed to be specialists but I’m not feeling it. PT is coming in, and now Mom can get from the bed to the bathroom by herself, in the wheelchair, then get on the toilet, and back, and then back to bed, but she needs help getting back into bed from the chair. I asked her today how many times she gets up at night, and it’s every 2 hours. If she comes home, she will have to be able to get up and go by herself. If it were once or even twice per night, I could probably deal with that, but not 4 at least. And the complaints continue, the food, not enough PT, they aren’t doing enough, etc.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that Mom is an emotional vampire. One of my friends took her to her new PCP appointment last week, and I met them there so I didn’t have to take 1/2 day PTO. Mom sat right there and said she was going to take my friend, and other people out to lunch when she’s better for doing all these things for her. I was sitting right there. For the second time in 2 days, someone said “Rebecca is a big help, too” and she just said “I know” and went on praising others while I was sitting right there. Which is how she is, I get that, but geez, your only child who bends over backward to help you and make sure things are taken care of doesn’t even get an invite to the special lunch you’re going on about! Maybe I’m too sensitive but that sort of hurts my feelings a bit.

    So – my visits are brief. I’m taking care of the household bills, keeping things tidy, mowing, etc., juggling appointments, arranging rides, and I just go for brief intervals, pick up laundry, leave snacks and vegetables, and leave. I stayed for about 15 minutes today, told Mom to make a list of things she wants from the store, and I’ll get them. And now I’m home, going to relax, might take a short walk this evening, watch a little TV, etc. and then chat with my neighbor when she drops by.

    I’m also starting to clean out some drawers and boxes that are piled up in the upstairs, now is a good time. I found some neat things that were my Dad’s, some things I’ll keep, some I’ll toss, but it’s nice to be able to look at things and smile and remember good things now.

    1. Villanelle*

      I’m sorry about your mom and how she treats you – almost everyone’s feelings would be hurt by her words/actions.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending you a very big internet hug. I can see – and I’m not even there – that you are the glue that is holding it all together. She is never going to be the mother you want or deserve, quite frankly. I am so very sorry. You have my praise and support for being an amazing daughter…it is a shame that she does not have the ability to face reality and say Thank You… and admit that she needs you. (This is completely unrelated to her regular intelligence… something else emotional is going on, but it is not something you can fix.)

      You can only give “yourself” the hug, the pat on the back, and the recognition that you are doing a great job. I’m sure your friends see it and say it. It is her loss – but no consolation to you – that she is so self-centered that she can’t look at you with eyes of truth.

      You are going to have to build your “family” from those that are really behind/supportive of you. It does sound like you have friends like that. Hold fast to that. You have made a good life without much help from her (despite her, actually). Cherish that truth.

      Hug

    3. Lizabeth*

      Please don’t view yourself through your Mom’s glasses. And don’t take her behavior personally – you are a good daughter and are doing your best to make sure she’s safe, healthy and fed. Whether she agrees with what you are doing is not your circus, not your monkey. I am the Devil Child when my Mom is sundowning (dementia) and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t care what she says because it’s not about me. Actually, it’s hard to keep a straight face, and if she sees me smile or laugh it just pisses her off more! The staff at the memory care unit she’s in will apologize after this happens but it’s part of the disease process. It is what it is and it’s not going to change.
      Big hug and take care of you…

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You’re not too sensitive. Your mom is cruel with her words and she has been for quite a while.

      I wonder how her relationship with her mother was. Somewhere along the lines she had decided that you will never please her. I wonder if that is how she was treated.

    5. MaxiesMommy*

      May I ask what arthritis meds you’re on? You seem to have physically perked up quite a bit. I’m admiring your energy.

      1. Rebecca*

        Of course! It’s called Piroxicam, and I have Cyclobenzaprine for muscle spasms/cramping if I need it, but I take maybe 1 or 2 of them per week now, if that. I was amazed that I could grip the bowling ball and actually bowl without dropping it or being in pain!

    6. Anono-me*

      Wow, I think that other people (kind people from the sound of it) are gently but publicly calling out your Mom for not acknowledging all your help speaks volumes about how much that you have done for her and how out of line she has behaved.

      Be kind to yourself

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      We don’t get to choose our family, and unfortunately your mother is who she is and will never change. You are amazing and give so much of yourself, and have been holding her whole life together. It’s sad that she is incapable of seeing that and will never thank you for it.

      I’m sorry she has been dealing with difficult medical conditions and is unhappy about being in the rehab center. But truth be told, I’m also pleased to hear that you are away from her and can live your own life for once. You have had such a difficult journey from your divorce, and then to have to live with your mom as both her caregiver and target of her unceasing abuse on top of that is so much.

      In your posts since she went to the rehab center, your whole tone is p0sitive. You get to see friends, relax, go bowling, whatever. It sounds like you have a wonderful community of friends who sing your praises and help you even if your mom doesn’t appreciate it.

      I’ll be honest here that I worry about what will happen when a decision must be made about her leaving the rehab center and where she will go. I know multiple people here have suggested talking to a social worker about her future, intertwined with yours, and perhaps you’ve posted here about a social worker’s advice and I just missed how that has gone.

      You are an incredible daughter and she is lucky to have you, no matter how crappy your mom treats you. You have drawn solid boundaries so she can’t suck you dry while she’s away, but I would love to see her find a setting away from you so she can’t resume being that emotional vampire every day of your life.

      You need to sleep, you need to be functional at your job, and you need and deserve to have joy. Here’s another online stranger sending you warm thoughts as you navigate next steps.

    8. Rebecca*

      Instead of individual responses – and thank you all for commenting!! – I thought I’d give a brief update –
      One of Mom’s friends from grade school has been filling me in on things from the past that I never knew. She said Mom was a “change of life” baby, by far the youngest in the family, which I knew, and it appears her mother had mental health issues. I think today, based on the description, it may have been post partum depression or something along those lines. My grandmother was hospitalized for mental issues in the 1940’s so I don’t even want to imagine what went on with that. But that being said, even her lifelong friend says Mom has always been very rigid in her thinking, always thinking others should do whatever, very critical, and when it comes to me, you all are right. I was never good enough, never right, never what Mom really wanted. She has been criticizing me since I was a small child. I was too fat, or I didn’t keep my hair just right, or I couldn’t not destroy leotards, or just something. To Mom’s friend’s credit, she reminds Mom that she is lucky to have me to do things and take care of things, and yes, Mom replies, I know…but she doesn’t. There are also other things I won’t get into, but I thanked this kind woman for telling me! Things finally make sense, and I know it’s not me, it’s her, so at least that’s a weight off my shoulders.

      That being said, she will not change. She is what she is. She’s the female person who gave birth to me, but she is not a mother. But that does not mean I have to sit there and listen to her tirades. Even when she was still here in the house, and I was here, I’d come home from work, and eat a few meals per week with her, but that’s it. One night she kept giving me sidelong glances, as I was eating beef, and she said “you’ll pay for that someday”. I said, is that advice or wishful thinking? Those retorts always make me smile, as she has to stop and think about what she’s saying, and she’s just used to telling everyone what they should do.

      I’m glad I have my daughter and son in law, cousins, friends, neighbors, coworkers, they all bring a lot of joy to my life and really balance out her negativity.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        About your mom bragging on friends, and ignoring you.

        She’s not stupid.

        Because most children aren’t going to ignore their elderly parents needs, there isn’t that big drive to be “nice”.

        My mom did the same thing. Random relatives came by to help every blue moon, and she praised them to high heaven. My sister and I broke our necks seven days a week to make her happy and safe, and never a peep of a thank you.

        Mom’s dad died when she was 4. That was 1929. Her own mother was barely literate with no skills with 4 year old and a newborn. They lived off of the kindness of relatives. The relatives never stopped telling them how lucky they were.

        She learned people who were blood had to eat the abusive, unkind behaviors, but you need to be extra special nice to the ones that willing hang around you.

        My mom wasn’t the mom I needed. I definitely wasn’t the child she wanted. Mom only wanted boys. Boys had value. Boys could work young and bring in income. Boys could have wives who were obligated to take care of a MIL. My sister and I were just albatrosses around her neck. Interestingly, my long waited for brother did SQUAT to help out all the years she was sick. That didn’t stop her from thing the moon and sun rotated around him.

        Anyhoo…I’m glad to here you had a fun time out.

        Also, when does your mom truly sleep? Getting up every two hours is stuff they do at Gitmo. I’d be bat crap crazy after two weeks of that schedule. Is the place letting her sleep during the day? One can’t heal up if there is no restorative sleep.

        Have a good week!

        1. Rebecca*

          That sounds so familiar, my mother is totally different to outsiders than to me. So many people have commented “oh, I’m so sorry to hear this about your mother, she’s such a sweet, nice little old lady”, and I’m all like, are you sure we’re talking about the same person? If she thinks someone can do something for her for free, she’s super nice and sweet, that’s for sure. I’m obligated, so no need to show any love or support.

          Mom admitted she hasn’t slept well due to bladder issues for 20 years. She cat naps, is sleep deprived and miserable. The new medication helps somewhat, but the damage has been done, things just don’t work properly and can’t be fixed. So now, it’s put up with sleep deprivation, where a diaper and urinate into it, or get a catheter. Those are her choices.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I think it’s good to have that information. I learned some things about my mum that have really helped me better understand the way she is. It hasn’t changed anything, but it made it easier for me to establish boundaries.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Thank goodness for this kind friend of your mother’s. And what a lady! She knows by helping her friend’s daughter (you) she can be of help to her friend. I am awed.

        Now this person is a life long friend of your mom’s. I wonder why she didn’t give up a long time ago? She sounds like an interesting individual.

        Well at least now you know for certain that when your mother is yelling at you she is showing you what she thinks of her own self. You are really fortunate to have that insight. I never learned why my mother was the way she was. From what everyone says she had GREAT parents. I adored them, but I only got to see them through the eyes of a 10 year old. I have never found out why my mother and her sisters turned out so. very. off the wall. All I can think is that the sisters fed each other their own misconceptions about life and they lived by those misconceptions even though the ideas were not working well for them. Then things got worse.

        My father was the opposite story. I learned a lot about his life and in the end I landed on tremendous sorrow that a person could have a life like that.

      4. Auntie Social*

        Mine said “but what really matters is grandchildren” to me, the daughter who couldn’t have kids but was running herself ragged taking care of her. It was all I could do not to say “so that means I’m done chauffeuring your butt? Hooray!” I didn’t. But I should have.

    9. Mimmy*

      Rebecca – So sorry you’re dealing with everything but am glad to see that you are taking some time for yourself. I’m sad that your mom hasn’t allowed herself to get treated for the bladder issues. Sleep deprivation adds up – she probably hasn’t gotten much restorative sleep, which is so important to physical and emotional health. I’m glad the talk with your mom’s friend was helpful.

      Sending hugs and warm thoughts

    10. tiasp*

      DEFINITELY not you – I read your stuff wishing you were one of my siblings if we ever have to start caring for our mom, and I LIKE my mom!

      I would be AWFULLY tempted, any time she started going on about who great other people are and ignoring everything you do, to say something like “yes, you are so lucky to have such a great support system for when I move to [place that is far enough away that there is no way you would be able to perform any caretaker duties for her]”.

    11. Jacqui*

      Elissa Altmann has a new book out – called Motherland. About her relationship with her mother, sounds like you would find similarities there!

  65. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    Cat chewing her cardboard scratcher–is this okay? I don’t think she’s eating it, but she loves ripping off chunks and chewing on it.

    1. Rebecca*

      My cats love to tear paper! One of them likes to chase and shred envelopes with those clear windows – the bigger and more crunchy sounding, the better! I crumple them up, throw them, and he chases them like a dog, carries them around, and if I’m not careful, I’ll come home from work to confetti. They do the same to cardboard, tooth marks, etc.

    2. Kathenus*

      I have a new rescue cat and she does this too. Kind of freaked me out at first because I didn’t expect it, but talked to my cat friends and it’s definitely a thing for some cats. So unless you see any issues with ingestion, yup, it’s OK.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      Mine also like to bite or chew cardboard boxes. Perhaps it cleans their teeth? I don’t think it will hurt them as long as they’re not truly eating it.

      Now I have one kitty who progressed from biting plastic shopping bags to eating them! That’s so bad for him, and I mean he is like OBSESSED and seeks them out snd will be at them in a heartbeat if we don’t put them away.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        One of my cats likes plastic bags and will eat them if I accidentally leave one out. My vet said it’s pica. I had no idea cats could have pica.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Totally normal. One of my cats loves tearing up cardboard and paper. He’s quite the asshole, as I’ll sometimes come home to a soggy, torn up sale circular that had coupons I was planning to use.

      Just make sure she’s not actually eating it, or at least not a lot of it, since it could cause some digestive issues if she eats too much of it. She’s probably not eating it and just doing it for the fun of it, or maybe as a way to clean her teeth or massage her gums.

    5. Asenath*

      Yes, perfectly normal. One of my past cats couldn’t be trusted near cardboard, and another was nearly as bad. I used to store extra things in cardboard boxes under the bed. I had to replace them all with plastic boxes! Chewing of bits of cardboard doesn’t do the cat any harm, but might annoy you if you have to clean up the bits – or have your belongings coming – or being pulled – out of the former boxes.

  66. jDC*

    Feeling sad for husband. His bday is tomorrow. His brother was going to come last night with his daughter. We went to the store and got some nice butcher burgers to grill, pre made some sides and a cake. Around 5 his brother says he doesn’t feel like doing anything. I know my husband was disappointed. I have a perfectly fine, not close, but polite and kind, relationship with his brother but frankly I think he’s a jerk. He talks crap about our marriage to people (small town). His wife just left him, you’d think he’d have some compassion toward others. He lets my husband down a lot and my husband lets A LOT of husband behavior slide just to keep the peace. Bummed for him. Tomorrow I’m grilling him some steaks and zucchini. Took son to get him a gift today. He doesn’t have a big thing about his bday but I know he thought it would be fun to have his brother there, especially since he lost many years with his brother since he was in the Air Force for 22 years so obviously not in the same state often.

    1. StudentA*

      I would be really bummed out too! I wonder if it would be out of line to text your BIL and let him know and ask him something like, “Are you ok? Bro was really looking forward to seeing you and between me and you, I think he’s hurt you cancelled on him for no reason.”

      I hope your husband has a wonderful birthday!

  67. Free Meerkats*

    I counted. Other than the bride and groom, I know exactly 5 people at this wedding.
    Plus, free beer and wine.
    Minus, I have to drive home.

    Fun wedding, though.

    1. Enough*

      I attended one were I only knew the bride. Always wondered why I was invited. Used it as the push to visit a friend a few hours away.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      That is on par for about how many people I usually know at weddings, I think. The last one I went to, I really only knew the groom, as our other friends from that period in our lives couldn’t come.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Glad it was a fun wedding – would be interesting to hear (since several on here are getting married soon) what makes something a fun wedding? (Not just the free beer and wine, right? LOL).

      1. spiralingsnails*

        A fun wedding has:
        ~A reasonable schedule of events with no lagging spots for boredom to set in. (At 1 wedding the bride wanted faaaancy photographs so the ceremony started over 45 minutes late and then there was 60+ minute wait for MORE photographs before the reception in the downstairs room was allowed to start. >_<)
        ~It definitely doesn't have to be gourmet, but yummy food in appropriate quantities. There's nothing sadder than a buffet table emptied before the last 1/4 of the guests have gone through.
        ~Happy participants! If your bridesmaids are bored and your groomsmen are sulking… If your officiant looks like he's doing a funeral… If you are stressed because you made the wedding decisions to try to please your parents instead of yourselves… it's gonna be hard for guests to get their party on. So plan a wedding that YOU will enjoy, pick people that will be GLAD to be up there, and the enjoyment will be contagious!
        ~And a sense of humor. :) A few whimsical touches to the decorations, entertaining activities, or at least being able to laugh off any mishaps will go a long way towards making a fun wedding.

  68. LGC*

    Meanwhile in non-running related news: I mentioned I had Cat Issues a month ago (basically, my neighbor’s cat didn’t like me and actually pooped on the floor one day when I was catsitting her). I didn’t reply too much, but I actually did read over a lot of the advice, and tried to put it in place! So, I spent a couple of days where I just sat in the living room letting her get used to me being there.

    And I think there was one more thing: I really needed to be more diligent about the litter box. I was doing once every other day (which I thought was good enough for one cat), but apparently she’s used to twice every day. Lesson learned, and thankfully I did not have to clean up any messes other than some errant litter. She still hissed at me literally every time I opened the door, but she chilled out a bit when she got used to me being around.

    1. Steve*

      I clean the box twice a week, and every-other-day would be fine for most cats, but if this one is used to twice daily then cleaning it daily should help fix the problem.

  69. Lcsa99*

    Tailgating etiquette: if you’re at a concert venue that allows tailgating, can you ask people who have their coolers and chairs in a parking spot to move so you can park your car? My husband and I paid extra for parking closer to the venue and had to pass up 10 or so great spots cause people parked their rears there instead of a car. My husband didnt want to risk saying anything but I thought the tailgaters were the ones being rude and thought asking nicely would have been ok. Would love to get some input on what others think or would do in this situation.

    1. BRR*

      Ooh this is a new q for me. I feel like you should be able to ask but l wouldn’t expect results.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      You paid extra for the closer spots, did you have to park in the regular and forgo the premium spots? Because then I would have been pretty peeved people were hogging them.
      I mean, yeah, to some extent if people are still looking for available spaces park their cars, AND you paid extra, the cars should have priority for the empty spots. However, these things are also a bit first come, first serve too.

      Did the lot have any parking/traffic guards you could’ve asked?

      1. Lcsa99*

        We did eventually find a spot but it was a cramped one between two trucks making it difficult to get out of the car so not ideal – and even that one was blocked by a cooler but we pulled in anyway. There were attendants but they were all so young – high school or college students if I had to guess so no real authority.

    3. Anono-me*

      Lot of people pay extra for a second parking space to tailgate in. If that is the case, they are not going to give up their second spot.

      You might be better off asking the lot attendant for assistance, the lot must have a protocol on what to do if people take up a second space without paying for it. Those spots are too much money for the lot owner to do a BOGO on. (Also tailgating can involve alcohol. )

      Maybe next time try to use a lot that has assigned and numbered spaces.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I did consider that – maybe they were holding for friends or something but it doesn’t make it any less annoying for me – there in the moment looking for a spot.

    4. Policy wonk*

      In my experience (sporting events, not concerts) the lot attendents will not let them keep a space open unless they’ve paid for it. Depends on the venue, of course.

  70. MissDisplaced*

    Can anyone recommend noise cancelling office headset/mics systems that will fit on a small head?
    I need both headset and microphone for calls, connecting to laptop. And seriously, I have a kinda small head! Most headphones are too large for me and droop past my ears. I almost need child size, but I don’t imagine they make those for an office set.

    2. yeine*

      Do you have a budget? I have a somewhat smaller head and find that the Sennheiers PXC 550s are nice, but $$.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I’d like to stay under $100.
        Plantronics has fit me well in past with the mono sets, but their ANC models seem overpriced

  71. Valancy Snaith*

    I’ve mentioned a few times here that my mom is sick with metastasized neuroendocrine cancer, and a quick update: she was approved for brachytherapy to target the tumours in her liver specifically, and had the procedure earlier this week. She feels OK, and she’s going to be on only immunotherapy and no chemo for a bit, so hopefully she’ll be feeling a bit better with that, and we’ll have to wait and see to determine how it’s all working.

    Complicating this is that my mom’s younger sister passed away from bone cancer just a couple of weeks ago, and neither my parents nor my husband and I could make it to the funeral in time, so there’s a lot going on. A lot.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      I am so very sorry for your loss of your aunt. And … that the innunotherapy and brachytherapy does allow her to feel better. Keep the updates coming… and hug. I know it must have been especially hard on your mom to not be there at the funeral…

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I have been there a couple times with the ill parent vs the funeral of significant family member. It so sucks. I am so sorry all this is happening in your life.

  72. Anona*

    My husband’s…former boss…but really so much more than that- it’s his mentor, who’s more like his dad. We visit them on Christmas day, and have for years, and he set my husband on his career trajectory. Anyways, he told us today he has ALS. He and his wife are extremely private people, so they’re keeping it very quiet, so there aren’t many people I can tell about this. But it’s deeply painful for my husband. This man has had such a profound impact on our lives, and it’s deeply sad. Just crying into the void.

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Wow, oh wow. That is really tough. I send a hug from this corner of the internet if one is welcomed.

  73. The Rat-Catcher*

    We have too much going on. I don’t really know if I’m looking for support or just to list everything out to get it out of my brain.

    1) There’s me. I have a full time desk job. I’m in grad school. This semester I have one online class, plus my internship. I’m doing that at work so it’s not necessarily extra time, but getting it up and off the ground is basically all on me so it’s stressful.
    2) Mr. Rat-Catcher has a full time job that is more active than mine but still firmly in the realm of desk jobs. He is in grad school full time, has three classes this upcoming semester plus a practicum, which not only meets weekly but requires 10 additional clinic hours per week.
    3) Mouse-Catcher is our five year old daughter. She is in kindergarten and wants to participate in dance classes and junior sports. Dance classes are once a week. Junior sports have practice once a week when she is already in after school care anyway, and up to 2 games per a week (though some weeks there are none). Mouse Catcher is very bright but struggles with things like raising her hand to talk and waiting her turn.
    4) Squirrel Catcher is our 3 year old son. He is in full time daycare and gets excellent reports from his teachers. He is currently potty training and has an accident about every other day. He also has a food allergy (one of the Big 8 in the US).
    Additionally, we are trying to buy a house. We weren’t looking, but since the sellers are family friends, they’re waiting while we attempt to get financing. We are trying to close by Sept 3rd, but the lenders dragged their feet on getting the appraisal and it isn’t until Monday so I don’t know if that’s realistic. Our lease is up October 31st but our landlords are willing to let us leave a month early. So I have this month and next month to pack, move, and clean the place. And once school starts, I’m on my own. I’m feeling way overwhelmed and I look at how much crap is in my house and I think this will never be done.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      You can do this. It’s a lovely thing to get settled in (and have your own home – a dream), but between now and then – chaotic. But do-able. Are you good at asking for help? At perhaps getting mouse to dial back to one-or-the-other after school activity for this semester only? Reaching out and having friends, family, work folk – lend a hand with covering a base or two for you every day? Abandon and let go of some things. You will know which ones. (I had to choose to lower levels of cleanliness in the house when I moved a storage unit into the house to cut expenses and go through all the boxes). I had to ask and accept help from folks to get through the tough tired times. I hired my cleaning lady on the side to help pack and clean old and new, on extra days. (she brought friends, I paid them too).

      But most of all – making it a grand adventure for the kids, keeping their enthusiasm high for their new room, new digs, new life… hugs to you!

      1. valentine*

        perhaps getting mouse to dial back
        I wouldn’t take away Mouse-Catcher’s dance class. They’re not going to understand the two of you not giving up your classes also/instead.

        Can either Mr. Rat-Catcher’s classes or the house be postponed?

        Can you: swing the rent for October and move in stages, hire a cleaning service or movers, and/or marshal friends to form a rota? Consider crowdfunding.

        1. The Rat-Catcher*

          Mr. R-C’s classes are in a rotation that would require him to wait another two years to pick back up, so that would be a last resort. I do have some family and friends that have offered to help with the actual moving, so maybe that stage will be slightly less stressful.

      2. The Rat-Catcher*

        Thank you! They have shared a room up to this point and will now have their own rooms, so they’re quite excited.

    2. LibbyG*

      Wow!! That is a lot! Anyone would feel overwhelmed. If you know that you doing everything is not feasible, then definitely try to make one major adjustment. Mr. R-C’s classes come first to mind, but I realize that they may mot be postponable. Some programs are strictly sequenced. I hope yiu can keep the dance class; if you wouldn’t be able to move forward on all this in that time slot anyway, it may not really cost valuable time.

      Maybe you and/or can take some days off work and pack like the dickens while the kids are in care? With two days of a solid six hours, two adults could get a lot done.

      Regardless, I hope Mr. R-C is sharing the burden of figuring all this out, even if his hands-on time is limited. Being overwhelmed together is a lot easier than being overwhelmed by yourself.

      1. The Rat-Catcher*

        I have thought about taking a day or two off for this. I have enough PTO and my boss is the best, so maybe I’ll schedule that soon.

        1. Anonyme*

          The last time we moved I packed a box a day. Some days a few, but always at least one leading up to it. Some days they were very small boxes, and easy decisions. I chose things I could do without for a month or two but were definite keepers such as board games, out of season clothing, Calvin & Hobbes complete set. But when it came time to finish packing, a lot of things were already out of the way in boxes, and it was easier to sort out junk.

          1. spiralingsnails*

            ^^^ This! I moved last fall and slowly purging & packing boxes ahead of time helped SO much. But cleaning, especially with kids, may as well wait until the last minute.

            I hire a teenager occasionally to be a mother’s helper for an hour or two. They can load dishes, vacuum, sweep, help the kids fold & put away their laundry, and be present for an hour so I can focus on deskwork without being interrupted every five minutes. It’s soooo nice to have that little boost and it’s pretty cheap too all things considered.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Where can you delegate or hire out?
      Can a good friend help your daughter get to her activities?
      Can someone help you clean and move?
      Can you ask for extra time some where here?
      Do you have PTO?

      1. The Rat-Catcher*

        I probably can get someone to take Mouse to activities! I hadn’t actually thought of that as an option.

    4. MintLavendar*

      I would say, spend a week trying to get rid of crap. It’ll thin out what needs to moved, and make your entire existence *seem* less chaotic. (And, in my experience, the existences of kids just sort of causes more junk to materialize in your life, and if you get rid of a bunch of it, it’ll just materialize some new stuff within a few months). That would make me feel in a better headspace to deal with things.

      If you’ve got the cash, you might consider just paying movers to pack, move, and unpack. It’s pricier, but it’s probably the easiest thing on your list to outsource.

      And of course it’s your life, but I tend to think kids today are way over-scheduled and I wouldn’t put a 5 year old in both dance AND sports (honestly, I don’t know if I would put them in either, but then, I’m not a parent!). If that’s something they want to take on in junior high or something, fine, but kids benefit from free time, and not doing one or the other at 5 won’t put her behind or anything.

      I also would avoid having both adults in a household with 2 young children going to grad school, especially when both are working. Not very helpful at this point, but this arrangement of life is very much asking to feel constantly overwhelmed.

      Maybe the best thing to do is just carve out time to meditate every day on how much better your life will be in X years, when both you and hubby are out of grad school and you’re enjoying your new home! At the very least, most of this is very time-bound, and just a couple of years at that.

      1. The Rat-Catcher*

        You’re right that it’s a difficult setup and we did know that going in. Normally we are at hectic-but-doable speed. The house buying has definitely put us into warp speed. But I love your idea about focusing on the future when things have slowed down. I tend to get up in my head in the moment and lose sight of the long term.

  74. Sparkly Librarian*

    I’m just finishing up a week of vacation in Ashland, OR. When I was planning this trip in Feb/March, I knew the key was to book lodging while there was still some available — this is high season for the Oregon Shakespeare Festival — but decided not to get tickets to the OSF plays. As we were a waiting adoptive family, I knew there was a good chance that any planned vacation could be interrupted or called off because of an unexpected placement, and I wanted to stay flexible and avoid paying anything I couldn’t cancel and get refunded. (As it happens, our daughter was born in April and we were able to bring her along!)

    So we planned to rush all the available shows this week. For those who might need to know, theaters often sell tickets at a discount if a particular show is undersold. Like a half-empty plane flight, those seats aren’t worth anything once the doors close! Sometimes you have to appear at the box office in person shortly before showtime, and sometimes you can purchase over the phone or online and have your tickets held at will call. But usually it’s a same day surprise which shows are rushing. OSF announces them at noon via text. So instead of paying $55-80 per ticket, I’ve seen 3 shows this week and my wife has seen 2, for $30 a pop. (We overlapped one show, but not at the same time as someone has to mind the baby.) When rush tickets aren’t available, we’ve been relaxing around our B&B and walking around downtown and Lithia Park with the baby in a carrier. Really a great way to recharge between Summer Reading and back-to-school season. Recommended!

    1. LibbyG*

      I’m so delighted with these updates. What a great vacation, and what a lovely time in the life of your family!

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Which shows did you see? I didn’t make it to any of the shakespeare shows here this year (there’s various vineyard, outdoor venues, other places that have them…) but have in the past and love them.

      Sounds wonderful and a very good time for all of you!!

  75. JKP*

    Some advice on goats needed. My boyfriend had a small herd of goats, two pairs of siblings close in age. The first pair of siblings died last year after a long healthy life. Yesterday another goat died, leaving him with one solitary goat. The last goat seemed distressed today, looking for and bleating for his brother.

    We don’t know what would be best for the last goat. He’s pretty old, so he won’t be around too much longer, but it could be a year or more. Would he be happier staying in his home he’s always known? Or would he be better off joining a neighbor’s herd of goats and having companionship? Transporting him would be traumatic for him, as he doesn’t like to be touched. Is he too old to adjust and make new friends? If he stays in his home alone, are there things we can do to keep him stimulated and not lonely?

    1. valentine*

      I would let him go to the neighbor. Would it be possible to bring a goat to him and take both back? I’m picturing a vehicle they can get in themselves, where he would follow the lead of the other goat.

    2. NoodleMara*

      Goats are inherently herd animals, so it will be better to take him to a new herd as much as transport would suck. They don’t do well on their own because they can’t use advantages herds give them, companionship, watching for predators while sleeping, etc. Your neighbor might be able to put them with any older goats they might have if they keep them separate. Generally, solo goats don’t do well and often get sick more and pass away faster.

    3. Penguin*

      If you happen to use Twitter, @GoatsThatStare or @NeolithicSheep might be able to make recommendations.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Would your neighbor lend you a goat or two at your house?

      My friend has a horse. Her horse gets away from her frequently. It goes next door to be with other horses. Finally the neighbor said, “Just leave your horse here.” Neighbors who have the same critter can be very cool and very understanding.

    5. JKP*

      Thanks for the advice, everyone. He’s going to talk to one of the neighbors about re-homing the one remaining goat with the neighbor’s herd.

  76. The Other Dawn*

    Ideas for homemade jams/jellies?

    My jalapenos and habaneros are happily growing, which means an abundance of them in the coming weeks. Other than salsa, my plan it to again make some jam with them. Last year I made four different jams with the jalapenos: pineapple, strawberry, blackberry and hot pepper. They were a huge hit at work. This year I’ll be trying blueberry.

    I’m thinking I want to try making herb jellies since I have an abundance of herbs: thyme, sage, rosemary, oregano and a little dill. I would likely use them on meats.

    Any other jams/jellies you love?

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve had some luck this year with boozy fruit jams — the strawberry-spiced-rum batch didn’t set well, I think the pectin was old, but it tasted fantastic and made a good dip/sauce :) raspberry-spiced-rum was popular, and peach bourbon was phenomenal as well. Without the booze, my favorite combo is blueberry/peach. Raspberry/peach is good too.

    4. Parenthetically*

      I grew up making plum wine jelly with Japanese plum wine and it’s one of my absolute favorite sense memories — such a lush, fruity, complex flavor with a subtle acidity and booziness (naturally it’s not really alcoholic at all). Heaven on a biscuit.

      I’ve also done strawberry and basil together and I bet a quick/no-cook jam would be perfect for that.

    5. Ali G*

      Not exactly what you asked for, but I love hot and sweet pickled peppers. Great on meat, fish, sandwiches!

    6. LQ*

      A friend made peony jam, it was really good and very pretty.

      I’d definitely think of herb jellies, or a combo, rosemary+fig would be really good I’d bet (though better as a jam than jelly), or grapefruit+thyme, or apple+sage (on toast with a nice scrambled egg and sausage in the fall…).

      What if you did a tomato and dill and then you could use it with smoked salmon and goat cheese on crackers.

      Now I’m officially hungry and weird.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I haven’t had it as jam …but I think peach & spice go well together. And CT peaches are coming in.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Unfortunately I’m not a fan of peaches, but it’s possible I’d like them in jam form.

  77. Reba*

    Eid Mubarak to anyone who is celebrating!

    I regularly send money to friends in West Africa, and although I am an atheist vegetarian, I’m getting updates by text and I am seriously tickled that the sheep I have bought there are being eaten today. Thank you, sheep.

  78. Shiny Swampert*

    For anyone who has been listening to me moan about dating (or the lack of it) seemingly forever – I’m going on a maybe-date next weekend with someone I met online a little while ago, thought was going nowhere, but “properly” met in the real world today and it felt like there was a spark. Might not go anywhere, but it might, and I’m a little bit excited. If I can find one maybe-date, even if it doesn’t go anywhere, maybe I can find another maybe-date, and maybe even a definitely-date :) And maybe this will even go somewhere!

    2. LibbyG*

      It’s great that your spark-o-meter is fully functioning! I hope you have a great time at this get-together.

  79. Georgina*

    Is there an app that both my husband and I can use to set reminders about house stuff? We need something because too many things are getting forgotten. Thanks!

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I use Google Calendar a lot, but note that the default notification is a popup, basically, which I hate, and I ALWAYS change it to a reminder email. Usually 2-3 emails, depending on what it is. Since I use Gmail, I also use Google Tasks in the sidebar (it’s a checkmark, but TBH I think it looks like a cigarette!).

    3. jDC*

      Ya husband and i have a household calendar we share. Appointments, if something needs to be done on a certain day, all go in there.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Flylady talks up Cozy… I have a Google-centric husband so we’re trying to bash something together with Google Sheets & Calendar.

    6. LTRFTC*

      I really like Wunderlist – you can update it on desktop or app and they cross reference and update in real time. You can make lots of different lists and set reminders/timers for them, and also group the lists into categories. You can also choose which lists to share with others so they aren’t all automatically shared.

  80. Carrie*

    I’m feeling a bit weird, and not sure if I need advice or just positive thoughts. I got an email from an old school friend, that I haven’t spoken to in over 20 years. That part is great, happy to hear from her. It’s the reason for contacting me that has me uncertain. She spotted something in the local newspaper in my old hometown, it seems my birth family are looking for me, and I don’t know how I feel about that.

    Brief background, I was fostered at 9 days old as my birth mother couldn’t take care of me. She kept in touch with my foster family for a while but decided I was better off with them. I was never adopted, and ended up living with the daughter of my first foster mother. I changed my name when I was 12 so I would have the same name as my family, and I was never enrolled in school with my birth name, so I’d be hard to find.

    So family has always been an odd thing to me (hard to work out how I’m technically related to anyone). I thought about looking for my birth family but decided not to. Now I don’t know how to respond to this.

    1. fposte*

      That’s a complicated one. I’m an adoptee myself (I realize you’re technically not one, but it seems analogous), and I don’t bear my bio family any ill will, but I find guidelines I’ve seen for contact and reunion to be a little dismissive about former children who might not be all that excited about contact.

      I think whatever you want to do is fine, but figuring out what you want to do can be more challenging. Therapy might be a useful place to talk the question out; you also might consider, depending on the specifics of the newspaper information, if there’s a way to keep the door open without outing yourself just yet. You could create a separate gmail account just for this and use your old name (or, hell, don’t use a name at all, just say that you know Jane Smith), or if they’re old-school snail mail, get a mailbox at the UPS store.

      Alternatively, if you already know where they are and aren’t sure if you want to do anything, you don’t have to just because it’s something they’ve brought up right now. You can reach out when it’s right for you, which may be never. I think it’s possible either decision will be one that’s fine for your life.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Yeah, I don’t really know what you’re going through, Carrie, but fposte covered what I wanted to say, which is that you might try very limited contact on your terms. So a throwaway email address that has no connection to you or your legal name, a Google Voice number (if you start a new Gmail account you can have a new GV number) that you use only for this, maybe eventually a short in-person meeting at a neutral location far from your home or work, with a friend for moral support if you want….all things you can do once and say “I need time to process this and see how I feel about it”, and then YOU can control the contact with them, on your terms.

    2. LibbyG*

      I don’t have any experience or expertise to offer, but I want to send ALL the good wishes as you figure out what (if anything) to do.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I wasn’t sure about your last paragraph. If you are still certain you do not want to meet these people, then just tell your old friend, thanks for the heads up and you have decided that things are fine the way they are. Or don’t tell her what you have decided, either way, you can still respond with “thanks for letting me know.”

      It looks like you decided not to look for them, but you may not have decided what to do if they were looking for you.
      What ever you decide, it’s your right to chose that decision. But I think you know that.

      I am thinking of about a half dozen people who I know are adopted. And the answers are mixed. Some went and found their bio-family. Some did not. Of the ones who found the birth family, some of those stories are sad and some went okay. So how it plays out is anyone’s guess.

      From what you have here it looks like you could be satisfied with your current setting and not go meet these folks.

    4. big X*

      I can’t offer you any personal experiences but since you has considered this in the past and decided not to, it might help to revisit the reasons why you came to that choice then. It’s not what your birth relations wants that’s important here – it’s what you want.

      One perspective I’ve seen is that they might share blood with you but without those critical years of intimacy, they are essentially strangers (because what separates a blood relation from some random dude on the street assuming you met them both for the first time today?) Another is that they have clues to a part of your identity you were disconnected from. Either way, it’s up to you to decide what would you gain, if anything, from contact?

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      The only thing to maybe check is – why are they wanting contact now? I don’t know how old you are, or how old they are, but – up to you – would it change anything if they want to apologize? (not saying they need to) Or if she is ill, and wants closure? You do not own managing their emotions. But is there any information you do not have, to make a decision, that this person could provide (or find out for you)? Sometimes people go through the 12 steps, and want to make amends; sometimes they are end of life and have regrets. If there is anything that might be missing (motive for the contact, for example) in the query from the former friend…ask for more info. If you feel you have enough info to make a decision, great. Just checking if there were any variables that might explain this change of heart – that you are interested in. You don’t necessarily have to change your mind about seeing them or making contact.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        And by “not saying they need to” – what I mean is – you may not want to accept or deal with an apology. (I had a family member apologize for something… and I could not accept the apology – the apology was to make ‘themselves’ feel better – it didn’t help me in any way at the time. ). So I didn’t do a good job of explaining that sentence, but what I meant was – you do not need to manage their emotions. It’s up to you if you want to deal with any of this, regardless of the reason.

        You take care of yourself. It’s just sometimes it can help if you hear what their thinking was. I carried that apology letter around for 10 years before I was able to acknowledge that for them, in the place they were, I could see how they wound up there. Didn’t mean I was okay with it. But I could acknowledge they tried to apologize.

    6. Anono-me*

      I hate to bring this up, but as someone who knows small town busybodies; please be prepared to have someone else from your hometown decide to be helpful and share your new information with the people searching for you.

      As to the rest of the situation, I don’t have anything useful to add, except good wishes for you.

  81. SAHM*

    I have been wanting to roadtrip up to Bellingham Washington to visit a soapmaking store for about 7 or 6 years now. I currently live in kind of outskirts of SF Bay Area, we live in a nice cozy rural-esq community that’s becoming more and more suburbs. So it would be a heck of a roadtrip. I want to make lots of stops along the way, maybe stretch it out to be a weekish long trip. One of the stops I want to make is Swan Island Dahlias in Oregon and see their Dahlia fields, which are only open Aug-September. So, if you’re making this roadtrip with four kids and three dogs (we’re planning on getting another dog early January), where would you stop? Anything we really ought to be checking out?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Tillamook cheese makers? Mount St Helens? The dogs I think are the fiddly bit, I’m not sure if either of these options would allow them.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      We drove from Reno, NV up to Vancouver, Canada almost 15 years ago now, but we loved the stop at Ecola State Park /Cannon Beach/ Indian Beach in Oregon (its near Tillamook, I think. I remember seeing signs!). We stayed in a yurt overnight and it was great fun and, let me tell you, we are NOT camping people. Oregon has a bunch of really good state parks, though, so have a look around and see which have rustic cabins or yurts (especially which are dog friendly). It would give the kids and dogs a chance to run around. Looking at a map it may be a bit out of your way, but if you want to do something off the tedium that is I5, then the coast isn’t a bad option.

    4. Public Health Nerd*

      Otis Cafe in Otis, Oregon. Powell’s books in Portland. Bellingham is super cute – went to the waterfalls park near town, really pretty.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        In case you’re a fan of Grimm too… I’m told a lot of the filming locations are public. Maybe same is available for Portlandia.
        I had friends who went to college in Eugene Oregon who loved the city enough to visit for weekend’s even after everyone in their social group graduated & moved away, so that’s another thought.

        1. Lilith*

          If you are into planes, stop in Mc Minnville OR. It has Howard Hughes spruce goose & other old planes but isn’t too huge of a museum that it overwhelms you. I 2nd Tillamook cheese.

          1. Owler*

            Ohhh…The airplane museum is also a water park! Weirdest combo, but fun: “Wings and Waves” next to the aviation museum.

  82. StudentA*

    Freaking sweepstakes. Someone give me the scoop on these things.

    I’ve been entering them for years. I’m talking like a hundred a week online. I know they get tens of thousands of entries or more. Here is my question: are they always legit? All these “win a trip to India” or “win $1000 for your wardrobe”? Or do they ever just not have winners? Because not only do I never win, I’ve also never heard of anyone I know winning.

    Not talking about Publisher’s Clearing House or something like that. Those always struck me as too good to be true, though even those I think have to be legit.

    1. LibbyG*

      Even legitimate lotteries have such long ofds that the public ones function as a tax; a regressive tax because they gather money disproportionately from people with modest incomes.

      You’re so much better off investing $100 week into some account or another. Google some examples of compound interest! If you’re socking away $100/week that adds up fast.

        1. Anon Librarian*

          But they’re probably gaining something by having your info. They could be selling it. Unless this is with companies that you already do business with (like Amazon) and they already have that stuff. I would be skeptical most of the time.

    2. Auntie Social*

      They’re just a cheap way for a business to get personal info and email addresses. Even if someone wins, the business is only out 1 or 2k. If you want future discounts from the companies then “enter”, just know they’re trolling for customers.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      There are communities where people discuss what they’ve won (reddit has a few, there are a few other US-based ones), and Contestgirl has a listing of community winners weekly that honestly surprises me with what people win–I think almost every single week someone is listed as having won a major prize like a vacation or something. You can also keep track of the sweepstakes you’ve entered and then dig around on the website afterwards to see if they announce the winner, because frequently brands will do so on social media.

      If you’re entering sweepstakes by very large corporations, odds are much better it’s legitimate, because there are more eyes on Giant Corp. than someone who claims to be giving away a free trip to Antarctica on their 1000-visitor-a-week blog.

    4. Crylo Ren*

      Part of my job is to run giveaways and sweepstakes for my company. I can’t speak for other companies, but in my case they are legit and every campaign goes through a thorough legal review before we can start promoting it, and again when winners are chosen. Depending on where the sweepstakes is run, there are some pretty strict regulations about who can be eligible to win, how winners are selected, etc. In my case, an average 2-month sweepstakes for my company will get around 70,000 unique entries, which are pretty long odds!

    5. Ginger Sheep*

      I’ve entered a whole lot of sweepstakes and giveaways, not as many as you, but A Lot, and have never won anything. Never.
      However, a good friend of mine did actually win the first prize of a sweepstake : about 100 full size lipsticks, one of each color the brand made. She had no idea what to do with them! It was so funny. And my mother once won two tickets to Disneyland, but not the accompanying trip, alas.

    6. university minion*

      Entering sweepstakes/winning free stuff is a hobby my ex has. He does win stuff, and to him, what he’s won justifies the time he puts into entering. Shockingly, I disagree, LOL. He frequently came home with “stuff” he won that was just more stuff we didn’t have a use for, or tickets that were only good for one predetermined day (which he’d then get mad when I had to work) – that sort of thing. It’s not longer my problem :-)

      I occasionally will enter a Facebook “like & share to be entered” sort of thing for local businesses that I already patronize, but I don’t like giving out my email address and getting all the spam that results.

    7. Aphrodite*

      I enter the PCH ones, the HGTV/Food Network ones, and the Reader’s Digest ones. Other than that, no. There are far too many yucky ones that I will not risk getting sucked into. But the ones I enter I enter every time I can.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I know one person who won a Better Homes & Gardens backyard makeover… but many more who have entered for years. I hold with those saying only enter if you trust them with your data.

  83. ButterflyHigh*

    I need to rant. I have diagnosed hypothyroid for 9 years now. I’ve had 4 doctor’s who refused to listen to me and treat me properly. I’ll see a new doctor this week. I’ve done extensive research and now I’m armed with the proper knowledge to get properly medicated but it makes me so angry. I’m so angry that a simple test and list of symptoms is key for diagnosing but all they say it’s that I need a therapist and it’s all in my head. I’m so angry that they think my tsh levels are normal when most of the population has tsh levels under 1.0 and yet expect me to feel good when it’s 4.6. I’m just angry at my doctors for failing me. I hope my new doctor listens because I don’t think I can live another 9 years feeling like I’m about to get a cold Every. Single. Day.
    I need to lose weight too and it feels and looks so hopeless and impossible. I hate thyroid issues – one of the easiest things to treat and yet many doctors won’t. I’m driving over an hour away to get to my new doctor.

    1. hithere*

      Thyroid levels can affect many areas of the body. Good luck with your new dr and keep advocating for yourself!

    2. WellRed*

      I hope you are going to an endo? I get your frustration but please keep an open mind. I know so many people that have trouble getting it under control and I think thyroid can be very complicated. The avg range for normal tsh is .27 to 4.20. It’s a bit narrower for those with thyroid issues, which you obviously have, but that “less than 1 most people” have? Doubtful. There’s some disagreement what constitutes the best numbers but those also vary widely by individuals. I lost my thyroid to cancer and have been on meds 20 years, tweaking them as we go. Current tsh is 2.14. We’ll see what endo says about that this month. I suspect it’s not great for me, due to how I currently feel and some annoying and sudden weight gain. One piece of practical advice if you can: use a brand name not a generic until they get you stable. Good luck! The right doc can make so much difference.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I had a Dr try to tell me I was borderline hyperthyroid when I was describin symptoms of the opposite. I refused to have the hyperthyroidism treatments…and 2 years later my Dr retired. The shiny new MD did antibody tests… I scored high. Yay? Well, an answer at least.
      All that meaning I’m glad you’re advocating for yourself, the meds can make a big difference. They should do the test and be sure.

  84. The Cosmic Avenger*

    This might belong on the work thread, but it’s not advice, it’s more entertainment/meta-blog discussion. Anyway, I love how succinctly it sums up what would probably total many hundreds of pages of advice and discussion here:

    Tyler Mead
    @Meadbymead
    Can we make a reality show where we make baby boomers try applying to jobs for the first time in 30 years using their own advice, and see how quickly they have a mental breakdown?

    1. anon24*

      I would love to watch that show and I don’t watch tv!

      Someone posted an article in my local neighborhood Facebook page this week about a guy who stood on the side of the road and handed out resumes until he got a job. There were tons of older people commenting on the post about how this guy knows how it’s done, way to pound the ground, etc. I was cringing. I wanted to track down the address of everyone who commented and show up at their door at 9 PM, hand them a resume, say “I’m using gumption to get a job, hire me now”.

    2. Gatomon*

      That actually makes me cringe. I used to work in an American Job Center and a lot of the clientele who still came in person to our office fit that description. (We had two massive manufacturing plants collapse during the Great Recession here that have not been replaced, so lots of 20+ year employees lost their jobs and had to change careers.) It was hard for me to watch people struggle to even send applications in because they weren’t good at computerized job hunting. And yes, people would abort applications halfway through in frustration, or because they ran out of time and had to pick up their kids or take care of ailing relatives, and it was never enjoyable to watch.

      Being young, I definitely felt and still feel that flash of anger when an older person makes it sound like a younger person isn’t putting in enough effort to deserve a job, but there are plenty of older folks who have learned that the advice of old no longer holds true.

  85. Just a hypo*

    Totally hypothetical- but at what dollar amount would you/would you not turn found lost money into the police?

    Imagine you were out hiking in the woods and found:
    $5 bill
    $10 bill
    $20 bill
    $50 bill
    $100 in 20s folded together

    Not in a wallet, just sort of along the trail. Nobody around, no bulliten board to leave a “found please contact” note.

    My kid found $1 in a parking lot today and I let her keep it but it got me thinking as she *always* finds money!

    1. Goose Lavel*

      I found $20 on the side of the road when I was 17 and I kept it without even thinking about telling anyone. Was this due to a failure of good parenting or just my juvenile brain?

      1. valentine*

        I don’t touch people’s stuff, not even clean laundry in a washer. My neighbors take whatever they find to the closest building, especially a business, they think the person might have been.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Interesting question! $20 or less I would just keep it with no guilt. I don’t think anyone would try to find anything that small beyond just looking.

      $50 – I don’t know! I would feel bad if I didn’t try to find the owner but I am also not convinced anyone would go to the police to try to find a lost $50.

      $100 I would definitely make an effort to find the owner.

      I would be curious to know what amounts police would actually take it and try to find the owner and what amounts they would just tell you to keep it.

        1. Anon Librarian*

          Good to know! I have never found a large sum of money. I did find a $5 bill at the edge of my lawn once. I wonder if the law regards it differently when the found item is on your own property and there is no indication of who the owner is (as opposed to, say,if a contractor was just there and therefore it probably was theirs).

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’d only start thinking of turning it in to the authorities if the money totaled $100 or more. Less than that, and I’d just leave the money for the next person, to be honest. Part of it is laziness, to be sure. But as far as keeping the money goes, I kind of want to save it for someone who really needs it. For me, $5 or $10 would be nice but wouldn’t tip the scale one way or the other. It could change a less fortunate person’s whole day. I don’t mean to sound preachy, at all. But last week I picked a dime off the ground outside my apartment building because what the heck, a dime. I proceeded to have a bad day — crazy patrons at work, got assigned a crappy project, missed the bus and had a terrible commute home. I know it sounds absurd, but I felt like not saving the dime for someone who needed it more gave me bad karma.

    4. Cat*

      I found about $150 once and it didn’t occur to me to go to the police. It was outside a store, so I went into the store and left my name and contact info in case someone knew approximately where they dropped it.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Friend found a $100 bill once. She advertised online that if anyone had lost money in [general area] please contact and be prepared to name the denominations. No one answered.

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        Same here; it was about $150 and no one ever claimed it. That was the only time I’ve ever found anything close to that amount. I donated it to St. Jude’s Hospital. Now when I find money (which has never been more than $10) I just put it in the donation box at the non-profit where I work. It goes to fund a specific program, not just general operations.

        1. Lisa*

          isn’t this location/context dependent? IOW, I found a $20 bill in our ~20 person office so I turned it in to the office manager. If I found a $20 of even a $50 in a Wal-Mart parking lot? That’s probably going in my pocket while I sort of look around at folks who act like they’ve list $$.

  86. Cindy Parker*

    YIKES! I am house sitting and I just spilled soy sauce on the wooden kitchen counter (Ash, maybe? It is light in colour). Google only gives me advice on clothing and upholstery. I gently put toilet paper on it and then tried three times with liquid dish soap and then water. There are still stripes. What do I do??
    (Sigh. I chose to eat in the kitchen because I didn’t want to risk spilling on the rug in the living room as they only have a tiny table near the couch and no dining room table. So instead I spilled on the one year old kitchen counter. Just perfect.)

    1. big X*

      Not sure what the finish on the wood is but letting a little apple cider vinegar and baking soda sit for a minute, then a good scrubbing with a deep cleaning brush (OXO brand has a set for about $7 at Target) usually gets the job done for me.

    2. fposte*

      Add “wooden countertops” to your search and you should get lots of results; I see advice to use hydrogen peroxide and advice to use salt and lemon, both of which are basically mild bleaches.

      1. Ali G*

        Yes to salt and lemon! Cut the lemon in half. Sprinkle the stain liberally with Kosher salt then use the cut end of the lemon to rub the salt into the stain. Let sit, repeat as necessary.
        I’m surprised the counters aren’t sealed?

        1. Cindy Parker*

          Thanks for the advice! I tried again with soap but I am kinda afraid of bleaching the wood with lemon.. It is thin stripes and not a round spot. It might make them more obvious if I do anything more.

          1. valentine*

            I would ask them. The last thing you want to do is make it worse. They presumably have a plan for this kind of thing.

  87. Thankful for AAM*

    I think next year is the AAM 20th anniversary? Anyone know if something excitong is happening?

  88. Formerly Known As*

    I just found out from my mom that my 69 year old father let his life insurance policy lapse. This is a man who has diabetes, had a minor stroke, and has heart disease. We don’t know how long ago the policy lapsed, only that he stopped making payments and that it’s too late to reinstate it. The only reason my mom found out is because he tried to take out a new policy on himself and the insurance company was calling to schedule a health exam. Needless to say, he wasn’t able to get insurance. I love my father dearly, but he’s arrogant and thinks he can do whatever he wants without consequences.

    My dad has a long history of being irresponsible with money, and my mother has a long history of burying her head in the sand about it. I am terrified about what will happen when he dies–what kind of debts will be unearthed and how little money my mom will have.

    I’m an only child, and we don’t really have any other family we can turn to for help/guidance. I have my own debts (student loan, mortgage, etc.) and can’t afford to support them financially.

    Does anyone have experience in this area? Are there any U.S. insurance companies out there that would insure a man like my father? My mom and I will pay the premiums ourselves if we have to, just to make sure he doesn’t allow the policy to lapse again. I am just beside myself.

    1. Enough*

      Other than the guaranteed acceptance plans that have limited coverage I am not aware of anything link to follow with information I found of Colonial Penn. But ry searching for guaranteed acceptance life insurance.

    2. Dan*

      Sorry you have to go through this.

      The hard, mathematical truth: Insurance products are never a “good deal” for the consumer, and in the long run, the insurance company always “wins”. That’s fine with things that are rare (term life for a 20 year old, car insurance for an experienced driver with no accident history) but not fine for things like term life for an 80 year old or for that matter Long Term Care insurance. A life insurance policy for your dad is going to be *expensive* and honestly, not likely to be a good financial choice for you. The only way it would be a wise choice is if your dad is sicker than his risk indicators would suggest. If he’s healthier than his risk indicators suggest and will consequently live longer, then you will essentially lose money on the policy.

      You may be better off just sticking whatever you can afford for a “policy” in an investment brokerage account.

      As for his debts… what you need to do depends on where you live. If your parents live in a community property state, then your mom has some liability on the debt, whether she knows about it or not. If they don’t, and your mom never signed any paperwork (and thus has no responsibility to the debt), then your father’s “estate” owns the debt, and it will pay out before any money is disbursed to “heirs”.

      *You* do not have to worry about coughing up money out of your own pocket. But I would proceed with the planning with the expectation that you will not find a policy to cover your father, because I don’t think you will.

      1. university minion*

        Not necessarily true. Google “filial responsibility laws” if you want to be properly horrified. Pennsylvania seems to be the only state at the present which occasionally enforces them, but that could change any time.

        2. Formerly Known As*

          I don’t think I can stand to be any more horrified than I already am right now. I’m just livid that he would do this to his wife of nearly 50 years. He is so careless and thoughtless about money. He regularly pays their bills late but then insists on eating out all the time and whatnot. It’s infuriating.

        3. Dan*

          Just to be very clear (at the risk of being pedantic): Familial responsibility laws apply to the support and sustenance of living relatives, e.g., OP’s mom when dad goes. OP’s question seemed to be focus more on the debts that her father would leave behind when he passes, which is outside of the scope of any familial responsibility law that I know of (I stand to be corrected/enlightened on this.) To the best of my knowledge, unless one is in a community property state (which applies to married people, not blood relatives) debts die with the deceased once the estate is settled. If one dies insolvent, no living relative (again, outside community property issues) assumes any liability.

          Continuing support of OP’s mom is another matter. To that, my advice is to stick whatever OP+mom would have put into premiums for an insurance policy for dad into a brokerage account.

          1. fposte*

            As you know, I love pedantry :-). And I agree–filial responsibility laws are about supporting an indigent parent, not inheriting the debt of an insolvent one.

            Some states which do not have community property law, though, do still have a doctrine of necessaries or equivalent on the books, which does allow creditors of certain “necessary” (specifics are variable by state and circumstance, but medical is a common category) debts to claim against the surviving spouse.

            1. Dan*

              :D

              Are you *sure* doctrine of necessities applies post-mortem? Since you brought it up, I do recall that being a concern when I was getting divorced from ex. In my state, if we were still cohabbing pending the divorce, I was still required to pay for certain things, and emergency medical care was one of them. It’s not clear, however, if that obligation would have survived her if she would have passed before the divorce was final.

              I thought the legal concept you are describing was more about certain obligations that living spouses were required to provide each other, and not something that continued post-mortem. E.g., they exist for the precise reason I was looking at them at the time — if I wanted to “encourage” my indigent spouse to get a divorce, what kind of “encouragement” was legal? The idea that the concept applies post-mortem strikes me as odd, but will acknowledge that it may very well vary from state to state.

      2. Formerly Known As*

        Thank you–this is valuable info. My parents and I do not live in a community property state (I double checked).

    3. NewNameTemporarily4This*

      You may not be able to get another regular policy (cancer, voice of experience). But if your mom has been unable to get full financial disclosure on all the bills and debts, this would be a good time to do that, and to see if there is any way to pay them down and get spending under control as much as possible, regardless. Different states have different laws about the married spouses responsibility for credit card debt, etc. (you can search on the laws). After death is the worst time to find out that you are liable for your spouses bills that you didn’t even know about, because it is part of the estate. Friend’s spouse spent like a drunken sailor so that every account was drained, in denial… and ran up every credit card. Left spouse destitute, probably having to file bankruptcy.

      Just noting… it was eye opening.

      1. Formerly Known As*

        I know my mom won’t do this. She talks about taking over the payment of the bills and managing their finances, but she won’t ever do anything. If I make suggestions or offer to help, she gets angry and shuts down. I’m at my wit’s end with both of them. I have no siblings or anyone else I can turn to for backup.

        1. Dan*

          Your parents are adults and are legally allowed to make their own decisions whether you like it or not.

          I say this out of sympathy and empathy… I grew up pretty broke, my mom never made much when she did work, and quit work early. She’s in no position to care for herself independently if dad passes before she does. Unlikely that dad will pass first, but anything’s possible. Because we were broke growing up, I had to foot my own college bills (I was almost $100k in the hole all said and done.) And while I make a decent living, I live in an HCOL area, and have yet to save a dime for a house down payment. I’m 40 and still owe half my student loan balance.

          I only have some idea what my parents’ finances are like these days. But my mother doesn’t have the logical reasoning skills of a typical mature adult, and just sort of assumes that everything happens the way she wants it to. My dad won’t rock the boat with mom. While my mom isn’t a financial train wreck (that I know of), “long term planning” just isn’t in the vocabulary. Dad’s mentioned that they don’t have the kind of money it takes to get into a an old folks’ home like my grandparents had. And mom gets mad when Dad tries to discuss her declining health with her, so he sucks it up and doesn’t say much most of the time.

          And while I do think my mother should have continued working to the best of her abilities, and really, really think she should not have taken social security at the earliest possible moment, she’s an adult and my parents make their own decisions. While it is unlikely that dad will go before mom, the consequences of him doing so are significant… and there’s no plan in place for mom’s ongoing care. I certainly am not in a position to assume that care, and while my brother and his wife could technically do it, it’s not fair to them to assume that that’s how it’s going to go.

          So I get it. Your job is to take care of yourself and protect yourself first and foremost. Because who is going to be there for *you*?

        2. Quandong*

          I’m very sorry your parents don’t have a proactive and realistic plan for their financial management, including this insurance decision. My parents’ relationship dynamic is dysfunctional, and this is heightened when it comes to money, and unfortunately they try and drag me into their disagreements.

          Despite their relationship dysfunction, my parents are adults whose cognitive function is not impaired. They have the right to choose how they deal with their money (or not), and whether they seek help and guidance from professionals to plan for the future (or not). Even though I have siblings who have voiced concern in the past, my parents still make decisions that seem unwise and capricious, and that’s their prerogative.

          I really recommend that you do whatever is necessary to detach yourself from your parents’ financial situation, and from their decision making processes. You might consider speaking with a counsellor to get some perspective and support to establish boundaries that will protect you from more stress.

          In your position, what I would be more concerned about is things like, do your parents have paperwork completed such as enduring power of attorney, wills, advance medical directives, records of passwords for accounts and so forth? This is where you may be directly impacted if your parents are not proactive.

          (It took me quite some time to get my parents to take me seriously when I asked them about their legal paperwork, especially because one of them freezes with emotional overwhelm when thinking about anything relating to the end of life. But thankfully they eventually completed the forms that are necessary, and that’s where my involvement in their affairs has ceased.)

          Maybe I will be called on to make financial decisions for my parents in future, but it’s not my business now, and I don’t get involved in their disputes. This has made a big difference to my stress levels, and it means I have a better relationship with my parents too. Knowing too much about their financial situation is very bad for me!

          Finally, I echo other posters and advise against making any payments toward insurance policies for your father. If you do feel the need to put money aside for disasters, do that for your own peace of mind, but keep it separate from your parents’ affairs.

    4. Anono-me*

      Many credit unions have a free $1,000 life insurance policy for members. Membership usually entails being part of a community or group and putting $5 into your account and leaving it there. Those policies often can be upgraded. Whether or not that will make Financial sense for your family I have no idea. As several people have said, usually it doesn’t.

    5. fposte*

      Is your father still working? Because life insurance is usually about replacing the lost income for dependents; if he’s not bringing in income, you may be better off keeping the equivalent of the premiums and saving it. Unfortunately, the ding here is the loss of a policy with built-up value, not just the loss of insurance; even if he does get insured again it will cost a lot more to get anything near the same value, for simple actuarial reasons.

      Sorry. I hope things play out better than you fear.

      1. Formerly Known As*

        No, he’s retired. He does some part-time work here and there to bring in extra money–things like substitute teaching. My mom is not physically able to work anymore. She has significant health issues of her own. She just turned 69, and he will turn 70 later this year.

        The idea of putting away the equivalent cost of the premium into a brokerage account or other savings account is a good one, but I know my dad won’t do it. If he sees $5, he’ll spend $50.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, that’s frustrating. But his retirement does mean that there’s not much for insurance to replace at this point, so maybe that doesn’t need to be your focus. Maybe you put away what you’d have been willing to contribute toward a premium in a fund for your mom for later.

          1. Dan*

            Along these lines, OP, did your parents have a *real* financial plan before the insurance loss? As in, did they know how much the policy was going to pay out, and how that would factor in to your mom’s ongoing well-being? Or was there some vague notion that “insurance” would take care of everything?

            I get the impression that the later is likely the case, and TBH, unless it was a fat policy, it likely wouldn’t go nearly as far as people thought. So there would inevitably be some scrambling anyway. The best you can do right now is take stock of what Social Security and SS survivors policies will exist for your mom and additional savings and brokerage accounts. From there, figure out what you need to supplement that.

            And then come to grips with not your circus, not your monkeys. *You* will be no good to yourself if you go bankrupt taking care of your parents.

            1. fposte*

              I was thinking along these lines, but I wasn’t sure whether to advise the OP to find this stuff out or to back away from a situation she’s unlikely to be able to fix.

              1. valentine*

                back away from a situation she’s unlikely to be able to fix.
                because
                She talks about taking over the payment of the bills and managing their finances, but she won’t ever do anything. If I make suggestions or offer to help, she gets angry and shuts down.

                I would leave them to it. She may see the light if he dies first, but that’s not something to (literally) bank on. I think the only thing you can do is save money for the fallout, but look into financial aid first. Don’t go under trying to save your mom.

        2. Auntie Social*

          There are associations like the NRA and the National Notary Association that issue insurance policies with no physicals. Dont know if he wants to be a notary, but the NRA policies aren’t expensive. Just a thought.

  89. PhylllisB*

    I agree!! Even when I don’t have time to read the thread, I always have to look at the cat photos!! I’m a dog person myself, but I love these cat photos. Alison, I think you should consider doing a coffee table book of all your cat photos!!

  90. PhylllisB*

    Have you ever felt like just running away from home? Those of you who have been reading a while know I’ve had some family issues lately. The latest is, my 18 year old granddaughter had a wreck and totaled her car. This is the second car she’s totaled this year. (The first time, I didn’t get too upset about; she hydroplaned and ran into a tree. Someone else did the exact same thing about a hundred feet in front of her. It happens.) This time, she dropped something and leaned over to pick it up and plowed into the back of the car in front of her. Her car was totaled but the one in front of her (a tahoe) will only need a fender replaced. I’m afraid her insurance company will drop her after this. Because not only car damaged, there was an injury involved. Don’t know how serious yet. Luckily, Granddaughter wasn’t badly hurt, just banged up. The police sent her off in an ambulance before anyone could get there but she refused x-rays. Being over 18 we couldn’t force it, but I think she’s really okay.
    Had to go to court for my 16 year old grandson (after FIVE postponements.) He has been in county jail since November, and his attorney is trying to get his case moved back to youth court. I have to say though, listening to the prosecution’s case, it doesn’t look too good. He has been indicted on six felony charges, so…the judge took it under advisement and will let us know by next Friday.
    I told y’all about my son totaling his car a couple of weeks ago, and my 88 year old mother doing the same a few weeks before that. Now my mother is saying she needs to go get another car, that it’s just getting too inconvenient and she’s sinking into depression because she can’t go and come anymore. And that what she did is no worse than what Granddaughter did. I am about to reach the end of my rope.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Holy cow.
      Well, granddaughter, son and mom can sign up for driver’s safety courses. (That probably won’t happen, I do understand this.)
      In NY there is a movement going on about people under the age of 18 that they should be in juvenile court. Perhaps this is a nationwide movement? You might google and find out what is going on with underage in your state. If the judge suspects there will be changes very soon, he may decide to move the case now rather than be questioned on his decision later. Six felonies by age 16, I think most legal folks will say the brakes have to be applied to the runaway train, but they will differ on how to do that. Overall, from what I have seen with friends and their families the courts tend to go toward how do we get this young person to turn their life around. So this includes psych evals, drug testing, etc to find out what is really going on and where intervention would be most strategic. I have seen a case drag on for months and months because the person was getting help somewhere before they even came to court.

      I feel bad for your mom. But perhaps it is time for her to quit driving? Depression is not a valid reason to keep driving. And comparing her accident to your granddaughter’s accident is like comparing apples to oranges.

      I hope you have someone (friend/ally) in your life who periodically offers you a reprieve or a time out from this stuff.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I will add – I have a friend who had to take the nuclear option with her parent. Called the state DMV and quietly reported them, and suggested that their license be pulled. Parent had several minor accidents. (the parent never knew the child was the one doing the reporting).

        I did want to say… while this feels crushing, is the only person you are care-taking, your mom? Maybe decide if you really need to own any emotional responsibility for the decisions of the others. The 18 year old is learning the adulting lesson…. winding up with no car is the result of carelessness. Having to pay your own high-risk insurance premiums and buy your own car (if you totaled the one that was a gift) is the cost of admission to a life lesson in this case. It’s actually valuable to learn it. Better to do that hard lesson of not being careless, and learn there are consequences… with one bumper on the other car, than a bicyclist or a pedestrian… (one of the teens in our family is ultra cautious – has a best friend whose sister was killed riding her bicycle, by another teen texting).

        1. Auntie Social*

          After her last accident we pulled the plug on Mom’s driving, and she was furious.
          Turns out she’d had to take the test FOUR TIMES the last time to get her license at 80. We tried to teach her to Uber, told her it was free (charged to my CC but free to her) but she’d have none of it. Then she started lying about what was an emergency and what wasn’t—she told a lot of real whoppers. Well, we started comparing notes! At that point she was told by all of us that she could join some friends in a nice assisted living place, or go live with one of the 5 adult kids. She chose to move in with her daughter, who is a nurse. I was greatly relieved, (a) because I knew Kelly would take great care of her, and (b) nothing would happen to her on my watch. I feel for you. (PS–you can run away to my house, no one will understand more!!)

    2. JediSquirrel*

      To answer your question: yes. I have felt this before.

      I’m sorry I don’t have any specific advice for you. I’ve had a lot of similar family issues, and there just isn’t an instruction manual for this. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It sucks. But you can get through it. We’re pulling for you.

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