weekend free-for-all – August 3-4, 2019

by Alison Green on August 3, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Floating Feldmans, by Elyssa Friedland. The matriarch of a squabbling family turns 70 and decides to take the whole family (kids, spouses, and grandkids) on a cruise. Things do not go according to plan.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Princess Deviant*

    Whoever recommended You Need A Budget website – wow, thank you. I love it!

    Its really helped me save a little bit, and I like that you’re not meant to budget stuff till the money’s actually there. That’s hard, but makes me look at my spending for sure. I know I spend too much on groceries.

    I do find that the app is not so great though, and you really need the online version to do more than the basics.

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      The app is great for recording stuff as you go, but yes it isn’t much use for organising so you do need a desktop version.

      I really think it changes how you think about money!

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      I love YNAB! It’s the only app/method I’ve found that I can actually keep to and that makes me less anxious about money.

    3. Ingrid*

      I love love love YNAB. My husband and I have used it for about two years now and it’s really helped us save money and be more responsible with our budget.

    5. Snuck*

      They seem to have started using Facebook to invite everyone… maybe you (hopefully) just caught up?

      I know a Tupperware consultant that as soon as anyone announces anything (wedding, baby, birthday) somehow immediately blasts the persons entire friends list with a party invite even if the person hasn’t agreed yet… becomes very awkward then to back out of it.

  2. Angela Martin*

    I just got a FB invite to one of those MLM sex toy parties disguised as a bachelorette night for a friend. I have no problem with sex toys, I own plenty, but I order them from the internet in private like god intended. And this is a very lovely friend- I WANT to celebrate her! But WHY THIS. (And we are not so close that I would really be comfortable throwing her a shower, or I absolutely would.)

    Should I just go to this?! I hate not to be supportive, but… is it going to be beyond weird? Also- her Mom will be at this party. (Whyyyyy?!)

    (I cannot lament on Twitter like I usually would since her fiancé follows me there, so praise be for this space.)

    1. C*

      I went to one of these parties many years ago when online shopping was not yet the norm, and even though I’m a very private person, I have to say, it really wasn’t that bad. While it’s not necessarily how I would like to spend future Friday nights, it was all very lighthearted and relaxed. There was no intense pressure to buy anything, and there were plenty of very vanilla items available for sale alongside the kinkier stuff. That said, if it makes you uncomfortable, arrive early or late, enjoy the informal socializing that surrounds the event, and skip the sales pitch.

      1. Lonely Aussie*

        That was how I found the one I attended, super chill and relaxed with a lot of giggling. I was predisposed to loath the product too as a lot of it was jelly and/or unsafe for use.

      2. Ada*

        Same. It was surprisingly low key and not awkward. None of the products appealed to me, and I didn’t feel pressured at all. If it were me, I’d go, enjoy my friends’ company, and laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

      3. CoveredInBees*

        Uuuuugh, MLMs are a no for me. Always. Also, I have a weird quirk in that I have a very vivid visual response to both violent and sexual stuff. It is horrible. If I was at such a party I’d end up with visuals in my head that I soooooo do not want.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I think I would have to go but treat it as a massive gag gift. The sorts of things I might find sexy at a party like this are not things that I would want to tell anyone but my husband about, you know?

    3. Morning reader*

      I would be inclined, whether attending the party or not, to caution her to never use any of these “sex toys” without a condom or other barrier, and send her some links to better sex toy shops. Those jelly things are awful and no one should put them anywhere near sensitive parts.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        Sex toy reviewer/blogger here, seconding this. (And condoms only do so much as well because the oils from jelly’s plastic softeners can destroy a condom. Ew.)

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      I agree that there were lots of giggling and 20 year old me found it educational and eye-opening. We each bought the bride to be something/contributed to her wish list but your own personal purchase was private. I haven’t been to one in 20 years though, fwiw.

    5. Caterpie*

      Ugh. That’s a tough one because supporting people in MLMs (by buying products) just prolongs their time in those structures, and the products are lower quality/more expensive than similar items from other brands. Can you pretend to be oblivious as to how the party works and bring a gift so you don’t feel obligated to buy from the MLM catalog? Maybe a gift card to a lingerie or sex shop would help stay on theme without forcing you to pick a specific item for her in front of her mom!

    8. Stitch*

      Mlms are the worst. Is friend in an mlm or did someone rope her into this? The first is a trickier situation.

    9. Texan In Exile*

      Someone I wanted to be friends with invited me to lunch once and I was so excited. Turns out she wanted to recruit me for an MLM. Even then, I was angry about it, but after listening to the podcast “The Dream” (I think someone here recommended it), I am even more ticked off. MLMs are pure evil. They exploit vulnerable people and they make rich people richer.

      I don’t care about the sex toys (but yeah – her MOM is going to be there?) but I would want to refuse just because MLM.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I had one of those recently! 4 of us at a party hit it off like a house on fire, which is rare in middle age. (The host of the party knew two others, but no one knew anyone else. It was a housewarming and I was just a random neighbor.) We arranged a lunch to keep it going. One woman REALLY wanted to host even though any of us could have.

        It turned out to be a surprise Mary Kay party. I was so mad! We all drove / transited at least an hour to get there. She didn’t even give us the promised lunch until after the whole thing was over at 2p, and it was a pasta salad. Whenever we started chatting, she steered us back to the makeup. Then we got stuck driving back an hour and a half in rush hour. Never spoke to her again.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Ugh, that happened to me once when I lived in California. A relative contacted me that she would be in the area and wanted to meet up. I was working, so we agreed to meet on my lunch hour. She spent the entire time extolling the virtues of melaleuca oil. We barely talked about anything else. I was so disappointed, but I didn’t know what to do.

        Now, I would just interrupt her and say, “Hey, Candice, I’m not really interested in the details of that. I wanted to see how you were doing and catch up on family stuff.”

    10. Beatrice*

      I went to one of those a few years ago. I am pretty reserved and didn’t expect to enjoy myself, but went to support another friend who was actually in the wedding and too scared of the bridezilla to opt out of the party. I bought a few vanilla ancillary items, the sale was private, everything was pretty low-key and designed to not be awkward.

    11. Sally Forth*

      A friend went to one of these for her cousin and their moms AND their gramma were there. She said her gramma was a hoot & kept telling her friends she had been to a f-erWare party! That said, it could be awkward.

      1. Annie*

        I’ve been to one of these and they are suuuuuper vanilla. You probably won’t have much fun, because boring, but it won’t be all that awkward. It’s a lot of like flavored lubes and body oils and giggling at the fact vibrators exist.

    12. Person from the Resume*

      This sounds awful. A bachelorette party that is actually a MLM sakes event??? I’m kind of sad for the bride to be. I’d hate it. It’s not a party; it’s a salesperson. If the bride finds the idea of sex toys titillating and risqué, well, that’s just sad; although, I wouldn’t want to discuss my preferences in that department with my mom.

      I would probably go, though, if I felt like I liked the bride to be as you describe. It’s a celebration. And I probably wouldn’t buy anything because as you said you can buy exactly what you want in the internet and it’s not overpriced like MLM schemes tend to be.

  3. Financial Disaster*

    We are massively in debt. We’ve gotten behind on minimum payments twice this year and have finally caught back up on everything and should be able to start paying slightly more than the minimums this month. Still, it will be extremely difficult to get this debt paid down (mostly credit card and really high rates because of being behind). The last few years have been sketchy for work as well (related to industry and economy slow downs). We’re working right now, and if there was consistent work for five years, I think we can get it paid off, but if projects get cancelled again and work slows down again, it will be impossible.

    How do you decide when it’s time to declare bankruptcy or try for a consumer proposal? I mean, if there’s another work slow down or other expensive catastrophe, we probably won’t have a choice – there’s nothing left to cover another period out of work, so we’d just stop paying the debt and the creditors would probably take action. However, if the work keeps up, is it worth the slog for another five years to try to pay it all off? That would put us in our early 50s when we were done.

    For clarity, there are no savings or retirement savings – we used those all up over the last few years of economic uncertainty. We have children, the first of whom will start college in a couple years. Our property is mortgaged AND there’s a line of credit AND we aren’t getting the mortgage paid down either so we would not qualify for a consolidation loan. If we get out of this on our own, the only way we are going to be able to do it is if the work keeps up, we stick to a fairly strict budget, and no other disasters happen.

    1. Angela Martin*

      Go talk to a bankruptcy attorney. Many will do a free/low-cost consultation, and it is SO HELPFUL to have a professional lay out the options and what those look like long-term. Bankruptcy can be a true blessing.

      I filed bankruptcy when I ended up $14k upside down on a car loan (lol @ 24.99% interest, but I was desperate and clueless and had no idea what I was doing) and had CC and massive medical debt. There is no shame in admitting you need help to get a re-start. I’m not super proud of it, but it wasn’t the death sentence people make it out to be.

    2. Asenath*

      Yes, definitely get expert advice. Many places have not-for-profit credit counselors who aren’t selling a re-financing service and can give you unbiased advice on bankruptcy as well as budgeting. It can be very difficult to accept that you’ve declared bankruptcy – but sometimes that’s the only option, and it’s an option that’s available for a reason, to give people who really need it a chance to re-start.

      1. Anonomoose*

        I’d second getting expert advice around this. The people who sold you the debt are experts, you should absolutely have someone on your side who is too.

        I think it’s important to remember that this debt was designed, specifically, to trap people like you who couldn’t quite pay. The bankers who came up with the product you were sold wanted you to be barely able to keep up. If it’s at all possible, they’d rather you never paid off the principle. They don’t make the big bucks off people who pay it off early.

        Every now and then they get people’s ability to repay wrong, of course. And, then, well, the government picks up the pieces, they get bailed out, and they hire smart people to come within a hair of doing it all again.

        So, treat bankruptcy like any other business transaction, because they do. If it makes financial sense to do it, then do. Don’t let moral arguments about paying back what you owe convince you to keep doing it, because morality didn’t enter into this at any point for the other side.

        /Lefty rant over

        1. Financial Disaster*

          Thank you for this perspective. Large chunks of the debt were DEFINITELY a trap, and I KNEW it was a trap but I thought I had it under control. And maybe if our industry hadn’t had a huge downturn, we would have mostly crawled out of debt by now, but I suspect a more realistic assessment would be that we’d still be in debt trap, just not as deeply.

    3. YetAnotherUsername*

      You should aim to have a 6-month cushion BEFORE you start to overpay on debt. Right now you have a tiny bit of extra cash, which you are planning on using to overpay your debts. But if you do that, next time you have an issue you won’t have any money to spare. Take that little bit extra you have right now and put it in savings. Paying off debt early is a good goal, but it’s more important to have emergency money set aside. Once you have 6 months of bills saved up, then it’s time to start overpaying on debt. Until then concentrate on not getting into any more debt and building up a 6 month emergency fund.

      1. Kittens Kittens Kittens*

        This advice only applies if you don’t have problem debt. If you’re missing minimum payments it is not the time to save.

        I can’t advise as I’m in the UK so the advice would be different but I will say it can get better and to hang in there.

        1. YetAnotherUsername*

          Yes obviously Make your minimum payments. But she specifically said that she had extra money this month to overpay above the minimum payment. This is the exact situation in which you should start building up an emergency fund. So that when the next problem arises, you have that emergency money to make the minimum payments.

          1. Overeducated*

            Six months of expenses could take a really long time to save up if you’re on a tight budget though (talking in the years, not months, for a lot of people). So that may be an impractical bar in this particular situation.

          2. Kittens Kittens Kittens*

            Look, no, the advice when you’re in debt is not to save. I’ll post a link in a reply.

              1. spiralingsnails*

                But we’re not talking about general savings, we’re talking specifically about an emergency fund – which is especially important for income-smoothing when you have irregular income. Example: your minimum payment is $1,000. In month #1 you have $1,050 and in month #2 you have $950. If you pay more than the minimum in month #1 then you will have to short or skip a payment in month #2. But if you paid only the minimum in month #1 and saved the extra $50, you would have been able to make the regular payment in month #2.

                1. Financial Disaster*

                  I’m building a little bit of emergency savings into our budget, but mostly, funds have to go on the debt (emergency slash oops forgot about X irregular expense). If the interest rates were in single digits, then I’d consider putting more into savings as we go along, but it’s almost all double digits and several are 20%+ so we have to start knocking down the principal and I just can’t get over the math of saving money at maybe 2% while paying 28% on debt (yes, there is one chunk at 28% it’s horrible). I also have a couple of specific things that I’ve started setting money aside for where I don’t know what the expense will be but I’m pretty sure there will be something (e.g. vehicle repairs because our vehicles are 10+ years old, and in exciting news for us we actually just paid a significant repair bill using ACTUAL MONEY not credit! (not that we had a choice)).

      2. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

        Dave Ramsey recommends a “starter” emergency fund of $1000 before aggressively attacking your debt. After debt is paid off, then build a 6 month cushion. $1000 isn’t enough to cover everything, but it will cover a lot of little things, giving you some peace of mind and avoiding additional debt in the short term. You can find his advice for free online (website, youtube), or you can get the book “The Total Money Makeover”.

          1. Retired and Happy Now*

            Second this. Check out Michelle Singletary’s advice. She writes a weekly column for the Washington Post geared to working people.

        2. Ginger ale for all*

          I try to follow Dave Ramsey as well and he often advises to get over time, a side job, sell some things, etc. I have a part time job that really helps me add to my retirement savings. So I completely recommend looking around for a way to get a part time job, he mentions pizza delivery as a good option.

    4. LibbyG*

      A relative of mine just declared bankruptcy and they’re so relieved. They were where you are now – just barely keeping up with no wiggle room at all. Definitely look into it. People can seek bankruptcy protection before they fall off the cliff. Best of luck finding a path you feel good about!

    5. Venus*

      I really like Gail vaz Oxlade (there’s a website where she posts everything and answers piles of questions). Somewhere on there she has talked about declaring bankruptcy. But yes, good professional advice is critical (find someone who is competent, even if it might cost you a bit of money, but also see if there are reputable public groups / charities in your area)

      1. Venus*

        I can’t quickly find a good link, but I would suggest searching her site for more info. Now that I think about it, she talks about negotiating lower rates with the credit companies and asking them to forgive some interest (they benefit more if you get some of their debt forgiven than if you declare bankruptcy) and if you own your home and have other assets then it affects your choices. You can negotiate with anyone to whom you owe money, except maybe student loans.

        Note that 95% of the people who ask her for help had the ability to make good decisions but didn’t, so she can seem a bit critical, but when she responds to people who have disabilities or unemployment then she’s much more sympathetic.
        http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/624

      2. Venus*

        And OP (Financial Disaster): if you are Canadian then GvO gives advice specific to Canadians so that might be another value-added for reading her advice.

    6. Madge*

      I’m tired, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to communicate this well. Go ahead and start the process now and talk to a bankruptcy attorney. It seems like you might feel on some level that you need to be in really bad shape to declare bankruptcy. And that maybe you haven’t clearly defined that point for yourself so It’s always ‘worse than now’. And this is your debt. My guess is nobody handed it to you and ran off. So it’s understandable and good that you want to accept responsibility for it and work to pay it off. But, we have bankruptcy laws for people like you who have ended up with an unreasonable amount of debt. We have this structure so people don’t have to suffer forever for their mistakes. Good contracts have exit clauses and this is yours. Our society is in part to blame when people get in deep financial trouble and so it has a tool to help fix that. Lenders encourage a strong sense of responsibility for paying off debts so they’ll get paid and make a profit. They do this in their own self-interest. And it is ok for you to act in your self-intetest. It is ok for you to stop before reaching rock bottom. It is ok for you to try and minimize your kids’ sacrifices for this debt. It is ok for you to end this debt early enough to provide for your retirement. I believe all these things will end up being better and cheaper for society in the long run, no matter what your creditors might say. If it helps, bankruptcy isn’t a magic ticket; there will be financial consequences for years. So go ahead and do this. Good luck!

      1. LibbyG*

        Exactly. The idea behind bankruptcy law us that creditors bear some of the responsibility for making sure loans are reasonable. They’re supposed to bear some of the risk. You’ve probably paid the principal on your credit cards several times over, at this point.

    7. Ethyl*

      I agree with the advice to talk to an expert! My good friends declared bankruptcy maybe 15 years ago, and today they own a home and a car and are reasonably comfortable, budget-wise, so it absolutely is something you can come back from.

      You said you have a mortgage and line of credit on your home — another resource I would recommend is searching for foreclosure prevention in your town. The place we took our first-time home buyer class offers foreclosure prevention counseling to certain qualified homeowners, and also offers a foreclosure prevention workshop periodically.

    8. Aquawoman*

      I think at least talking to a bankruptcy attorney would help. Do your research on the attorney/firm, because there are “bankruptcy mills” which do a bare minimum and sometimes not even that. I worked for the bankruptcy courts 20+ years ago so this may be outdated but there was an effort at the time by many credit card issuers to make their debt not be discharged by the bankruptcy, using some case law that was meant to apply to people who intentionally went on a spending spree before filing. So research or ask about that.

    9. Katefish*

      I’m a bankruptcy attorney (on the creditor side), and all I could think while reading this was, “Take the BK (bankruptcy)!” You need breathing room to live, and, if you’re eligible for a Ch. 13 or Ch. 11, to pay off a percentage. A few states allow you to modify your home loan in bankruptcy also–talk to a local attorney.
      Heads up I agree with the comment below about there being many low quality bankruptcy attorneys out there, unfortunately. Two ways around this problem: 1) If you know anyone who works for a smaller bank or creditor’s counsel firm, ask if they know any good debtor’s attorneys. I’ve walked people over to competent friends on “the other side.” 2) Along those lines, go to court on a bankruptcy calendar–it’ll be a public courtroom–and you’ll be able to see who the judge respects, and, for states with multiple hearings, who you might like.
      Another tip: Don’t file Ch. 7 if you have major assets with lots of equity. That doesn’t sound like your case, but just throwing that out there because the trustee can sell your assets.
      (Obligatory disclaimer that I can’t give legal advice if I’m not licensed in your state.) :)

      1. fposte*

        I think “consumer proposal” suggests that FD might be in Canada–that’s the only place I’ve heard that term–so I suspect that informed responses on that will be limited to Canadians. It also looks from a quick view that the person to talk to in Canada may not be a lawyer but a Licensed Insolvency Trustee.

        If so, FD, I’d say give one a call; it won’t commit you to anything, and it will make some possibilities clearer to you, which is likely to relieve stress right there.

        1. Sue*

          “Consumer proposal” sounds similar to US chapter 13. Chapter 11 is for business bankruptcy while 13 is for individuals. It is a repayment schedule, accepted by creditors that stops all collection actions, like lawsuits garnishments and foreclosures. It may or may not be a complete repayment, often it’s partial with the balance forgiven. It affects credit but not as harshly as a liquidation bankruptcy, (Chapter 7 in US).
          My main advice is to address your spending/budgeting as much as possible before you decide how to proceed. When a bankruptcy is caused by an overwhelming event (usually medical in the US), bankruptcy gives a fresh start and can be a huge relief.
          Unfortunately, if it is based on spending/budgeting/income issues that are likely to repeat, it is much less helpful. I can’t speak to Canada, but in the US, one is restricted to file again for 8 years after a Chapter 7. If the issues crop up again, it leaves no out for that time period and I’ve seen people get right back into the same problems very quickly with no way to stop the collection actions.
          Speak to a reputable professional to know your options. Any savings you have may be needed to pay the costs and fees if you decide to file. It’s a tough decision because it does stay on your credit for many years but if you have no other options, it’s there for you. Good luck.

    10. Mindovermoneychick*

      Definitely talk to a bankruptcy lawyer, but I will also come back to this space tomorrow and give you more info and some good books to check out that will help give you the basics so you will have a better foundation for talking to someone. Not near my my reference materials right now.

    11. Infrequent Commentor*

      In addition to talking to the bankruptcy lawyer, see what a non-profit credit counseling agency can say. They can consolidate and renegotiate your debt with lower interest rates. If most of your debt is credit cards, a renegotiation to lower rates would save you thousands and completely change the payoff timetable. They will likely also know reputable bankruptcy lawyers.

      Don’t feel embarassed about pursuimg bankruptcy. You need to do this now. It will help make a better future for your kids.

    12. Moocowcat*

      How do you decide it’s time to declare bankruptcy or try for a consumer proposal?
      Step one: budget the heck out of your situation. Track your spending. Try to negotiate with creditors. If you’ve done this already, proceed to step two.
      Step Two: Talk to three different insolvancy trustees and go from there. The initial consult is free, and they’re experts on helping you decide which option is best for your situation. If the consumer proposal is rejected by creditors (which I’ve never seen happen) then bankruptcy is the default.
      (Canadian person in the financial debt management field here.)

    13. Sally Forth*

      My son has just been through this. His case was complicated because his debt was Canadian and they had just moved to the US for his wife’s job. Theoretically, he could have walked and not had a US credit hit. He accepted responsibility and didn’t want to do that. He had no student loans and no mortgage. Other than clothes & a $1500 car, they had no assets.

      He phoned a bankruptcy trustee in Canada and started the process. The paperwork took him about 8 hours. He needed to pull together a lot of receipts and tax slips. The trustee decided that because he had steady income he could avoid bankruptcy. As soon as the trustee filed the paperwork, the interest was halted.

      That was 6 weeks ago. They are waiting for a response from the bank (his debt was credit card and a LOC) but it looks like he will be paying $300 US for the next 5 years. He currently has two jobs to dig them out of this.

    14. Dan*

      Others have given you good advice on the decision to file BK in and of itself. I’m going to chime in on something else:

      “I mean, if there’s another work slow down or other expensive catastrophe, we probably won’t have a choice – there’s nothing left to cover another period out of work, so we’d just stop paying the debt and the creditors would probably take action. ”

      In a couple of different places, you’ve referred to macro economic considerations. While ten years ago, the overall economy really did suck, the last few years have been quite prosperous for many people. It’s entirely possible that we’ll see a down turn in the overall economy in the forseeable future. If that is likely to impact you, then I’d start planning now.

      The reality is, you describe a situation where you’re hanging on by a thread, and if *anything* disrupts it, you’re toast. I’d make your BK plans now based on the expectation something will disrupt the delicate balance. If you try to continue hanging on by a thread, you’ll stress yourself doing so now, just to deal with the reckoning later. If you throw in the towel now, you can get it over with and get a fresh start.

    15. Aphrodite*

      I strongly encourage you to contact NFCC (https://www.nfcc.org/), a nonprofit financial counseling organization that really, really works. They will advise and help you out so much and have no self-interest in your choices. They alone focus on you and your needs. Best advice ever!

    16. The Other Dawn*

      I agree with everyone saying to look into bankruptcy. Do it now. Don’t wait until you’ve stopped paying your debt and collectors are breathing down your neck.

      My husband and I did it 15+ years ago and I have to say, it was absolutely the best thing we ever did for ourselves financially. It allowed us to breathe and not have a black cloud of debt and stress hanging over us all the time. It allowed us to have money for food and housing. We were able to get a car loan within a year or so after that. Yes, the rate was very high, but it helped us to start rebuilding our credit. Today we’re fairly comfortable, have a house, a car and a truck, and we don’t have to worry that we can’t pay our bills.

      Also, please don’t feel bad about possibly having to file bankruptcy. It happens. You’re human. The reason I say this is so many people I know who have filed waited much, much longer than they should have because they felt a sense of guilt at “screwing the creditors.” For one person, it got to the point where they almost lost their house. My in-laws waited until probably about a year after they started using their credit cards for groceries, then advancing money off one to pay another. Don’t let it get to that point. You deserve to start over.

    17. Financial Disaster*

      Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful replies. As some of you guessed, we are in Canada.

      I actually had a good talk with my husband today. We took a good hard look at what it would take to get this paid off on our own. Barring misfortune, we think we could do it (hard but not impossible) in 5 or 6 years. However, I’m going to get in touch with a bankruptcy trustee because there are some specifics to our situation that we simply don’t know how a bankruptcy or consumer proposal would affect them. We’ve been assuming worst case scenario where the consequence of bankruptcy is more than we are prepared to take right now, but maybe we are wrong about what would happen.

      What I really don’t want to have happen is that we slog away for two or three years, don’t get make any progress or come up against a disaster and then end up having to go bankrupt anyway.

      1. foolofgrace*

        I’ve been thru both Chapter 7 and Chapter 13 and the benefits outweighed the detractions but you will find your ability to get credit impacted. My Chapter 13 is finally off my credit report but I still have to have a secured credit card. And keep in mind that to retain an attorney they will most likely require a couple hundred dollars as a retainer, although the attorney’s total fee to you can usually be rolled into the bankruptcy.

      2. Venus*

        If there was an easy solution to finances then it wouldn’t affect such a huge number of people. There are so many subtleties (mortgages, retirement, etc) so an expert would give good advice specific to you. And yes, the fact that a job loss could force you into bankruptcy a few years from now… I can see a lot of benefit to exploring that option now.

        I wish you the best of luck, and my thoughts are with you.

    18. Little Tin Goddess*

      Also remember as harsh as it seems, your kids can take loans out for their college education (if they need to go to college), you can’t finance your retirement.

      1. Financial Disaster*

        If we pay this off on our own, we’d be right in the middle of it when our oldest goes to university. He already knows that he’s going to have to rely on student loans and scholarships, but it weighs heavily on me that we wouldn’t be able to help him AT ALL. Nearest post secondary that has the kinds of programs he is interested in is 250 km (150 miles) away, so he couldn’t even live at home for free.

        1. LibbyG*

          You might be able to help with his loan payments later, especially if much of your current debt is no longer around your neck.

    19. Kiwiii*

      I saw below that you have multiple things with double digit interest. Is there anyway for you to refinance and/or consolidate some of it? That was that only way I’ve started making any progress on my student loans — I had a couple $10kish ones that all had 8-12% interest. Refinancing to 6% has made a world of difference.

  4. Marzipan*

    Update on my double-donor IVF cycle: I’m getting positive pregnancy tests! (Now 10dp5dt but I started to see a faint positive at 4dp5dt.) I’m still very cautious (I’ve had previous losses), and also kind of gobsmacked that it seems like it might possibly maybe work?

    (Sending lots of love to all those who are struggling with infertility or have struggled in the past, and apologies for any difficult feelings this post may cause.)

      1. Marzipan*

        Thank you! And yep, they’re progressing nicely. (Although, they also did that with miscarriage #2, so I know that’s not really definitive.)

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      Fingers crossed too… been following your story and hoping for a very good outcome.

    9. CoveredInBees*

      Send you lots of healthy baby thoughts. I’ve been through both infertility and losses and it is SO HARD.

    11. Marzipan*

      Thanks everyone! I am (for no real reason) super paranoid today that it can’t possibly last, and all the moral support really helps!

  5. Jemima Bond*

    Morning all! I’m on my way to the Birmingham NEC (a large exhibition centre in the middle of Britain) for the Festival of Quilts! There will be lots of quilts on display, the competition is quite prestigious, plus many stalls and stands with fabric and other sewing supplies for sale. I’m very excited! Any other quilters on here today?

    1. Marzipan*

      Ooh, that sounds fun!

      I used to make baby quilts for friends, and occasionally larger quilts as wedding presents, but I was always more into the patchwork aspect than the quilting, and I did have a bit of a love-hate relationship with it generally. (Like, while I was making one I hated each individual stage of the process, but then somehow when it was done I’d find myself making another one!)

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Oh yes me too, I love the piecing but I’d send the odd larger one I do to be long-armed if it weren’t so dear. The last larger one I did (with the charmingly named “fifty four forty or fight” block) I sort of tied using a doll needle – backstitches with perle cotton spaced apart and travelling between layers (hence the long needle).

        1. Asenath*

          Most of what I did was pieced, quilted in small blocks and then the blocks joined to make the finished object, but I made a tied quilt for one of my sisters. She loved it and still has it. It was held together with knots at intervals – in embroidery floss, if I remember correctly.

    3. Asenath*

      I used to quilt, but kind of got out of the habit over the years – I did a few quilts, and some smaller projects like cushion covers. I love the look, but I was never that good at it – good enough that my first quilt is still in use on my bed after decades of hard wear! I went on a short trip a month or so and visited a fabulous craft shop with magnificent quilts on display – beautifully done, but alas far out of my budget. If I were in Birmingham, I’d be at that festival.

    4. SpellingBee*

      Envious, party of one! I’d go to that in a flash. I started quilting about 4 years ago, when I took a class at a fabric store near where I worked. I knew how to sew already, but hadn’t in years. I was immediately hooked and have been quilting ever since. I’ve stuck to lap-sized quilts so far, although at some point I may do a larger one for myself. It satisfies the artistic side of me, and I also like the puzzle aspect of putting all the pieces together. I’d like to learn free motion quilting; I have a sewing machine now that will do it, but the couple of tries I’ve made at it (on scrap bits) have shown me that it’s a skill that won’t be picked up quickly. Maybe I need to take a class, or maybe I just need to practice.

      1. Llellayena*

        Practice, lots of practice. However, if you have access to a machine with stitch regulation the process is easier. At that point you’re learning the motions/shapes without worrying about stitch length. Also, I’m finding that using a long arm is easier (there are places you can rent time on one) because it’s like drawing while moving the pencil instead of drawing by moving the paper (which is how free motion on a domestic machine works).

    5. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I love quilting and that sounds like so much fun!! I’ve been to several big quilt shows and they always make me feel like a kindergarten quilter! I hope you are lucky and will find that the vendors have great deals on fabric.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      *raises hand* Though I’m on the other side of the ocean, so shan’t be attending this show.

      Over the fall I did a patchwork landscape quilt for my daughter, which came out really well. Right now I’m doing patchwork wildflowers in a Celtic knot for my mom’s new twin bed, which is fiddly and convincing me that I want to go back to the landscapes.

    7. SigneL*

      My MIL lives in the middle of Iowa – Amish country. She’s a good quilter, but the Amish women are GREAT!

      1. ThatGirl*

        My mom lives in Indiana Amish/Mennonite country. If you ever get to a relief sale the quilts for the quilt auction are pretty amazing.

    8. Emma*

      I’m not a quilter, but my mother is and the quilts she’s made for me bring me so much joy. Enjoy your show!

    9. Llellayena*

      Oh yeah! I so wish I could go with you but there’s a bit of water in my way…darn ocean. I’m working on a quilt now that is a fan block on a 60deg diamond instead of a square. And this month I’m finally entering a quilt into a juried show! It’s just the local county fair but I’m excited!

    10. Sally Forth*

      I am not a quilter but many of my friends are quilters and fabric dyers. I feel the pull!

    11. A Frayed Knot*

      Wow. Who would have thought there would be so many quilters here?!? I’ve made everything from mug rugs to king sized quilts and love making them all! I send anything bigger than lap size to the long arm quilter; I hope to get a long arm for my retirement fun (in about five years). I’m working on some Christmas projects now. Hope you had fun at the show!

  6. Rideless*

    Re: my comment on July 20 (https://www.askamanager.org/2019/07/weekend-free-for-all-july-20-21-2019.html#comment-2571295):

    We had a great new (used) car picked out, expecting to get our reimbursement check August 5, as we calculated based on what the insurance company told us was the average time it would take for the check to get to the bank. We got a call from them on Thursday that they had just received the check (it should have been in the mail to us already). We called and asked what was going on and they said the soonest we could expect to get our check was August 16th (which, of course, is a Friday and our mail usually isn’t delivered until late afternoon). In an act of desperation, we applied for a loan and were denied because the totaled car is still on our credit report. Thankfully, the dealer is an awesome person and agreed to hold the car for us, but now we’re facing another two weeks without a car, and it’s almost time for fall classes to start.

    Between this and some other issues, I am out of spoons. I want to keep fighting the bank and insurance company, but I am so tired and I can’t see us getting anything out of it. Our check is in the mail, and as far as they’re concerned, they’ve done everything they’re legally required to do. I called our state insurance board, and they said I would have to file a complaint online and they’ll get to it when they get to it (super not helpful).

    I’m just so done with this.

    1. OhBehave*

      Is this runaround typical? We always pay cash for cars so don’t have financing to mess with. Our daughter totaled her car and we had a check in 3 days with State Farm.

    3. Little Tin Goddess*

      Unfortunatley, the insurance company will only cover the cost of the rental for the number of days indicated in the policy. They will not pay anymore as it’s not the contract you and the insurance company agreed to. You by paying premiums, them by accepting your payments. Sounds like your policy only had a 7 day rental reimbursement period. Next time get a 30 day rental reimbursement.

      1. Observer*

        Good advice, but not all that helpful right now. And, no one needs to be scolded about how stupid they were when disaster strikes. When ALL you have to say is how stupid they were, that’s what it sounds like.

    4. Observer*

      I can see why you are just tired of fighting.

      I think I would consider filing the complaint and then forgetting about it. Assuming that the online process is not crazy, you can at least get this issue on the record. This way even if your particular issue is not dealt with directly, it helps create a record which combined with other cases can be used to force the insurance company to change their behavior.

    5. Old Millenial*

      I feel you!

      My experience with my car crash was much the same (liberty mutual). I was rear ended in the snow and found at fault. The rental company, cause of course the other driver was in a rental, also tried to trick me into giving out my CC number several times until I called the number and left them the riot act.

      My advice is to wait until you feel better to write the complaint and not beat yourself up if you never feel up to it. It’s ok to decide the emotional cost of fighting is not worth it.

      Also ignore all the unsolicited advice from people who are like: you can’t be at fault cause x! Just sue! And yada yada. It’s exhausting and its ok to have strong feelings about it.

      If you can manage to not put expenses on a cc then I highly recommend. 6 years later I am still paying for that rental car and other wreck expenses.

      Take care of you!

    6. greenthumb*

      I’m so sorry. This would not be normal in my state. If you have the energy now or later, is there a consumer advocate you could contact? Either someone with local government or perhaps with your local TV station? Also, by chance could your agent’s office give you an escalation number to whatever would be the executive consumer-relations team at the corporate office? (We got unexpected news from our agent, and I will be forever grateful that one of the office staff got me that number and encouraged me to call. My hands were literally shaking when I made the call, but with the help of bullet points and a written reminder of “keep breathing” I got through it. Within 3 days, the situation was fixed.)

      It is shameful that these funds have been judged to be due to you, but that your ally, the insurance firm, thinks it’s fine that they will take another two weeks to get to you.

  7. V*

    On the work-related open thread post, when it says “please don’t re-post a question you’ve asked me recently as it might be in my queue to answer”, how recently is recently? If it’s been a month, am I good to assume it won’t be answered and I can post it on the open thread? Six months?

    1. Enough*

      Six months for sure but you can always email Alison and ask her if your question is in the que.

    2. OhBehave*

      I would say three months. I can’t imagine the volume of letters she gets. Some issues just can’t wait!

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Ideally, I’d ask that you wait 3-4 weeks. Even better, email me and I can tell you if it’s in my “about to definitely answer” queue or not.

      In general, my response time really varies — sometimes it’s really fast (within a couple of days) and sometimes it can take months, since my backlog is large and I don’t answer in order, and a lot of things never get answered at all just because the volume makes that impossible. But you can always email me and check on it.

      1. V*

        OK, thanks! I assumed that emailing you to ask was the worst possible option, since you presumably have such a large volume of questions you can’t answer – if every one of the askers came back and hassled you about it, you’d soon drown in email!

  8. coffee cup*

    I’m very glad this thread is open as I could do with some advice or reassurance. Yesterday morning I discovered the glands in my throat are very swollen. I’ve never had this before and it just happened yesterday. Naturally I looked it up online and seems it could be stress (been very stressed at work this week, so maybe!) or a virus. I’m a little worried about something like glandular fever, which I know can knock you flat for weeks. I’m very tired (slept early last night and late this morning, and still feel like I could have a nap!) but I don’t feel unwell as such. The swellings are tender, but not super painful at the moment. There are no doctor appointments till September, hence why I’m asking here and not a medical professional, ha. I know it’s probably just something to do with how anxious I’ve been feeling and my body being more susceptible to whatever this is, but as I’ve not had it before I wouldn’t mind hearing from anyone who has. I’m thinking… rest, painkillers, and wait it out?

    1. YetAnotherUsername*

      Can you look for a different doctor? Having your main doctor be one you need to wait a month to see doesn’t seem very sustainable long term. My doc always keeps a few appointments every day for emergencies. It’s not like you can schedule getting sick a month in advance!

      1. coffee cup*

        Yeah, I don’t have a main one, it’s just the first available appointment for *any* is September. It’s annoying!

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      To answer your actual question: if it’s a virus or stress, then rest and plenty of fluids is probably the best treatment. The NHS website and the Mayo clinic website I have found to be he best medical websites for advice.

    3. WS*

      It’s really common for your glands to swell up when you are fighting an infection, and of course being very run down and stressed make it more likely you’ll catch something. The glands in your throat are the most visible and obvious, but you may also get swelling/pain in your armpits, upper abdomen and groin. Rest and fluids are what you need, but you can take OTC painkillers if needed. I also find a heatpack very helpful – I have immune issues and whenever I catch anything my glands swell up ridiculously!

      If it is glandular fever (which is probably isn’t!), you’re likely to get a lot sicker and really exhausted, but again, the best cure is rest early on. If you do go to the doctor, let them know about the glands because if you do have glandular fever, you shouldn’t take certain antibiotics.

      1. Parenthetically*

        This — my glands swell with pretty much every viral upper respiratory infection I get from the mildest to the worst. Rest, tons of fluids, saltwater gargling, tylenol. And rest. And no booze, and nutritious food. And lots of rest.

    4. Kuododi*

      I don’t remember where you are located geographically. In my experiences here in the SE USA, most medical practices of any size would have one or more NP (nurse practitioner) available to provide additional support with clinic availability for situations such as what you describe. There’s also the option of utilizing a local urgent care clinic. Either option would assist you to be evaluated promptly (The longest I’ve ever waited for a NP appointment was right at a week) and they would be able to facilitate outside referrals should that prove to be a necessity. This really sounds like something calling for a prompt medical evaluation. Best wishes.

      1. Rebecca*

        I agree :) I had to look up glandular fever, since what coffee cup is describing sounds like how mono started when I got it way back in the dark ages! Medical eval for sure, a simple blood test will show what it is, then lots of rest, fluids, etc.

        1. coffee cup*

          Ah, is that what mono is? I never knew when I was younger and it was mentioned on US TV shows!

      2. MaxiesMommy*

        Agree. See someone. If not the NP in your doctor’s office, then a readi-care “doc in the box”.

      3. Parenthetically*

        We have clinics in grocery stores and pharmacies now, even! Walk-ins welcome, no appointments needed.

      4. coffee cup*

        Not sure we have this option. I’ve never been offered it, anyway! I’ll probably see how it goes and maybe see if I can get an urgent appointment if I feel it needs it.

    5. Policy wonk*

      A few of the pharmacies near me have walk-in clinics. You might want to try one of those. Not knowing what it is will only increase the stress.

      1. coffee cup*

        We don’t have those. I have seen a pharmacist for a couple of things in the past, but on both occasions they were totally wrong with what they thought it was, so I’m reluctant!

    6. Stitch*

      It is almost certainly a virus. Rest and fluids and keep an eye on it.

      My tonsils would swell at the drop of a hat for a few years after I had mono. I even saw a specialist and he sort of shrugged. Tonsillectomy is a surprisingly rough surgery (I know two people who experienced life threatening complications from it) so it wasn’t worth it for me.

    7. Weegie*

      If you’re in the UK (which I think you are), you can try asking your GP practice if they have any telephone appointments available – those are usually available at shorter notice.

      Another online resource for you is nhsinform.scot, which has a series of self-help guides you can use. They’re not brilliant, but maybe better than nothing!

    8. Wishing You Well*

      I’d phone an advice nurse, if you have access to one. Also, some health care places can receive photos of your swollen neck to advise you.
      Best of luck. I hope it’s minor and temporary.

    9. CoveredInBees*

      Swollen glands can be a lot of things, so yeah, rest, painkillers, and loads of fluids (water, tea, soup, watery fruits, whatever).

    10. Bagpuss*

      Do try to get checked out, but meanwhile rest. It may well be that you are fighting off something. My glands pop up whenever I am a bit run down or whenever I get any sort of infection.
      As you say, they tend to be tender but not painful.

    11. Observer*

      You’re GP (internist, family practitioner, PA, Nurse practitioner) doesn’t have a single open slot for illness till September? That’s ridiculous.

      You really do need a new doctor.

      1. coffee cup*

        My region is currently experiencing a shortage of GPs and problems with appointments. I think it would be the same no matter which practice I was with. It’s what happens when you have a government intent on squeezing the life out of the system (and severely limiting recruitment from other countries)!

  9. Charlotte*

    Hope this isn’t considered work-related (since it’s just an amusing Tweet).

    A few weeks ago there was a Twitter thread asking ‘what was the worst career advice you’ve ever received’ and one of most-retweeted replies was ‘an internship at the White House would look great on your resume’. I didn’t understand why it was so funny until I realised it was from Monica Lewinsky.

    Good to know she can laugh about it now…

    1. Marion Q*

      Wow, that’s a good thing. I think I read an interview with her a couple years ago where she said she’d always been struggling with jokes and that she couldn’t take even a benign joke, to the point that her parents had to role play situations with her. Which makes the tweet even better!

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Oh man, that is hilarious and yet a complete punch to the gut. I do admire her ability to get through all that as well as she has. She has dealt with an enormous amount of hostility and threats.

    3. Cows go moo*

      I admire Lewinsky tremendously for enduring years of shaming and bullying yet coming out of it all with grace and dignity. All of us have made idiotic mistakes in our 20s. The only difference was that hers involved a high profile figure (who really should have known better) which resulted in…well, you know the rest. I respect her work in speaking out against public shaming as well as her empathy for people going through something similar. She deserves much credit.

      1. YetAnotherUsername*

        She is amazing. I heard she runs an anti bullying charity now. It’s really awful what happened to her. She didn’t do anything wrong (he’s the one who promised to stay faithful). Yet she lost her entire career and couldn’t get a job for decades after.
        It’s so amazing how she has dealt with that and to get to the stage she can joke about it – wow I’m in awe.

        1. Dan*

          “She didn’t do anything wrong ”

          While IMHO Monica got more than the short end of the stick, I can’t agree with your statement. If one messes around sexually with a person s/he knows to be married, where I grew up, there’s some moral culpability there. It also shows bad judgement.

          But Americans are funny. We care way too much about other peoples’ sex lives for reasons I don’t fully understand.

          Side note: This all went down when I was in college. CNN had studios near my campus, and there was a legal talk show they would film that would use students as “extras”. I think I appeared on the show three or four times. It was *always* about Monica. The producer would call me up, and ask “hey can you come on the show tomorrow.” I’d be like, “sure, what’s the topic?” She’d say, “What do you think it is, duh?” And I’d respond with “not this again.”

          But apparently the American public showed great interest in who the POTUS was sleeping with, and as such, CNN wanted to talk about it.

          1. Booksalot*

            On the one hand, sure, she definitely knew he was married.

            On the other hand, he was literally the leader of the free world, and he held her entire career and professional reputation in the palm of his hand. Ignoring the power dynamics is foolhardy.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Well of course it was bad judgment (and stupid), but there was a huge power differential there, so I’m more inclined to look unfavorably on the boss in the situation than the younger intern. Even if she had the biggest crush imaginable, it was on him not to abuse his position, which he absolutely did.

            You’re right about Americans, though. I guess it’s the Puritan ethic. Also, she’s a shining example of how you can rise above great professional and/or personal embarrassment.

            1. Observer*

              You know, it’s quite possible to say “She messed up”, which she did, while ALSO saying “He’s a creep and a jerk, and clearly used his power during and after his affair in disgusting ways.”

          3. Cows go moo*

            I’m with Dan – it’s wrong to hook up with someone you know is married. She knew, I’m sure, it was wrong. Yet the consequences she suffered were disproportionally harsh.

        2. Observer*

          She didn’t do anything wrong

          Nonsense. You have an affair with a man you know is married, YES, YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG.

          Can we stop feeding the toxic idea that a victim has to be pure as the driven snow for us to have sympathy for them? It’s the exact kind of thinking that leads to women who have been attacked, molested and taken advantage of, being dismissed because they were too flirtatious, wore the wrong thing, gut drunk, etc.

          The reality is that she DID do something wrong. Nevertheless, I do have a lot of sympathy for her because ultimately she suffered WAAAAAAY more than was in any way, shape or form reasonable while the guy who REALLY messed up is still worshiped.

          1. YetAnotherUsername*

            I don’t believe victims have to be pure or any such bs, and I think it’s kind of strange that you jumped to that conclusion.

            She didn’t break any laws or any promises. He is the one who stood in front of all his friends ans family (and God if he is religious) and promised not to have sex with anyone except his wife. She made no such promise.

            I appreciate that it’s not very classy to sleep with a married man, but I genuinely believe that the responsibility for staying faithful in a marriage lies with the spouses alone. Not with anyone else. That doesn’t in any way mean I have to believe that “victims must be pure”. That’s a very strange link to draw.

            1. Observer*

              She knew he was married – engaging in an affair with someone you know is married is like buying goods that you know are stolen. Sure, you didn’t steal the goods, but you still are culpable.

              It’s not a strange link at all – it’s the premise of a lot of the discussion around the whole case (and a lot of other cases.) I cannot tell you how many times I heard some version of “she’s a tramp” as somehow excusing him and blaming her.

      2. Washed Out Data Analyst*

        I was 7 years old when the incident happened. I was too young to know what actually happened, but I remember hearing her name EVERYWHERE and overhearing adults saying is what a “bad woman” she was. I never heard anyone call Bill Clinton bad. I assumed she kidnapped children or something until I grew up and learned the story.

      3. Lissa*

        Yes! I think she really came in for the worst of public shaming because of when it happened – right when 24 hour news cycles were a thing but before social media was present enough to basically knock a current story out of the cycle within a few weeks. She was headline news and fodder for late night hosts for YEARS. Yes public shaming today with the internet is more widespread, but it’s like it’s broad rather than deep – but Lewinsky was pretty much it and took ALL the heat, as opposed to it being spread among many people.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      Monica Lewinsky is absolutely an idol of mine. I’m not sure I would have survived what she went through back in the 90s. It was so vitriolic, sexist, and just horrible. Even now she’s still the punchline to jokes, but she’s really pushing her cyber-bullying initiative. If you haven’t seen it, her TED talk is amazing. I normally listen to TED when I’m doing chores, but I actually sat down to listen to it because it was so powerful.

    5. Ethyl*

      I totally love her and just finished listening to an episode of the podcast You’re Wrong About about that whole situation and she really seems like such a decent person who got caught up in a sexy, charismatic person the way lots of us do when we are in our 20s.

      1. blackcat*

        I have met Bill Clinton exactly once in person and he’s so insanely charismatic. He’s like a human magnet. You just… feel better about yourself while standing next to him. It’s basically a real-life super power. I totally understand how someone her age ended up in that situation.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Eh.
          LOL I remember when everyone thought Clinton was sooooo hawt. Nah.

          I’d be in more trouble as a young intern if it were Barack Obama (!!!!!), but one of the reasons I love him is that he is not like that. I can’t imagine him ever doing what Clinton did. That would shock me to my core, and at this point, after three years of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, I’m basically unshockable.

          God, I would love to meet the Obamas. I can talk to anyone, but they’re on the shortlist of people who would render me speechless.

          Them: “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Elizabeth.”
          Me: “BbBbbbbBbbbBBbB . . .”

          1. Observer*

            I think that Obama’s personal decency is one of his strongest political assets. Even people do STRONGLY disliked his policies were glad to know that he probably wasn’t going to be in the news cycle for shenanigans. It also helped hide the hypocrisy of a lot of so called feminists who somehow could not bring themselves to condemn Clinton and who piled all the blame on Lewinsky, some to point of absurdity that is just jaw dropping.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Yup. I have a friend who went to school with Chelsea and occasionally went to the Clintons’ house and her recollections are all about how absolutely terrifyingly brilliant both Bill and Hillary were, and how magnetic Bill’s personality was — that he had this huge, enveloping energy that drew everyone in.

          1. Lobsterp0t*

            That’s one reason it’s especially terrifying to me that he was close pals or whatever with Jeffrey Epstein. Charisma plus buddying up with a serial trafficker. Eurgh. Like obviously it’s horrific but (to me) expected that other people are in that camp but they’re pretty universally reviled. Whereas Clinton is a genuinely politically and internationally respected world leader.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Golly I love Monica. Listen to her TED talk! She is a grade-A badass and smart and hilarious to boot.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      There is an excellent TED Talk by Monica Lewinsky from 2015 that’s worth watching. The summary from TED:

      “Public shaming as a blood sport has to stop,” says Monica Lewinsky. In 1998, she says, “I was Patient Zero of losing a personal reputation on a global scale almost instantaneously.” Today, the kind of online public shaming she went through has become constant — and can turn deadly. In a brave talk, she takes a hard look at our online culture of humiliation, and asks for a different way.

      1. Dan*

        I’ve never seen the TED talk, but she’s right about the public shaming as a blood sport needing to stop. It’s even worse IMHO when that extends to the real world where we try to get people fired from their real life jobs.

        It wasn’t until I graduated college when FB really took off, and it never really appealed to me. I can only imagine what it’s like to be a kid/teen/young-adult where the slightest online misstep can really screw up your reputation forever.

    8. MOAS*

      I read that too and honestly I hate what happened to her.

      I was in 6th or 7 th grade at that time, and I really could not understand why people were so angry at Monica. To me, it was something between Bill & Hillary and honestly I always had that opinion that sex was a private matter between the people involved.

      Cut to 20+ years later and I had this convo with a friend about that tweet, and they mentioned that Bill had several sexual harrassment cases pending and he had lied under oath about it. Whatever it is, I still believe that it’s awful what happened to her.

      Oh, so fun story that will make anyone scream in anger–I had known about JFK and Marilyn Monroe at the time (i used to watch a lot of VH1/MTV/E news history storeis and learned about this kinda stuff), and I asked my teacher why Monica was getting so much heat while Marilyn had had a full affair (again, my understanding at the time)–he said “its’ cz marilyn didn’t look like Monica.” ARGH!!!!!!

    9. Lissa*

      I love her. One of my favourite tweets of hers is when people were tweeting about comments they get about their names, so like “I’m Christine” “Christina?” stuff, or allusions to famous people. hers was “I’m Monica.” “Like from Friends?” “Yes. Yes, exactly.”

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I don’t have much but I avoid sleeves that hit in the middle of the bicep or anything puffy.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My shoulders are pretty broad but my arms are okay-ish.
      I look at the garment when I try it on, shoulder seams (the seams that go around the under arm area) must be right out at the end of my shoulders or else the item is just not going to hang right on me. (Picture a loosely constructed sweater vs a jacket.)
      It’s an optical illusion, if the shoulder seams around the underarms are correctly placed and that top seam running from the neck to the shoulder falls directly on top of the shoulder, usually the garment hangs nicer and looks right.

      As far as upper arms, I don’t have too much experience with problems. However, I have noticed that some manufacturers just cut that sleeve too narrow and it makes for too tight a fit on the upper arms.

    3. jDC*

      Nothing capped sleeved, those make me look like a linebacker. I’m a fan of 3/4 sleeve tops. I’ll do flat out tanks, or ts with sleeves that basically almost hit my elbow but no in between.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        NOBODY looks good in cap sleeves. And they’re ubiquitous in women’s clothing. Hence, the reason I buy my t-shirts in the men’s department (way cooler ones there, too).

        I love 3/4 sleeves because I have very narrow wrists that look great in bracelets. :)

        1. jDC*

          Ah thank you for agreeing. I don’t have big arms per say but they aren’t twigs and I think it makes me look fat. I hate how women’s ts have these short sleeves. Also I have sensitive skin and them rubbing against my arm pits is annoying and often causes rashes. No good. Also why I don’t wear a lot of Ts.

        2. NMFTG*

          IMO cap sleeves are great for hourglass silouettes.

          To OP: halterneck tops and and wide boatnecks (think Meghan M wide) are often very nice with broad shoulders.

          1. Patty Mayonnaise*

            I’m an hourglass and agree – cap sleeves aren’t always my style but they do look nice on me.

      1. Ethyl*

        Cap sleeves are the worst! Why were they such A Thing for so long?! Thanks, fashion designers, for making my arms look even fatter AND even longer!

        When I worked at a bridal shop, I tried so hard to convince this woman who felt self conscious about her upper arms to avoid the cap sleeves, but she was dead set on them. This was 20 years ago and it haunts me to this day.

    5. Kimmybear*

      I hate long sleeves and feel like short sleeves look odd on me so I always go with 3/4 sleeves or sleeveless. Seems counter intuitive but I feel like they both draw attention away from my upper arm

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Find brands that fit and don’t stray from them. They’re usually a little pricier, but once you find the right brand you can buy used in thrift/consignment shops or on ebay.

    7. Nicki Name*

      If shoulder pads even come back into fashion: Back in the shoulder pad era, I used to find that getting something with shoulder pads and then removing the pads (usually a simple operation, they’d be very loosely attached) resulted in an excellent fit.

      In the meantime: men’s T-shirts when I want a T-shirt.

      1. Earthwalker*

        Yeah, men’s T shirts and also turtlenecks work well for a broad shouldered women. Ladies western wear is sometimes a good fit for broad shoulders with a narrow waist. Sometimes I wear men’s polos and dressy shirts when I can’t find anything in the ladies section that fits. They don’t look much different in style from ladies wear but there are people who make a fuss over noticing that the buttons are on the wrong side.

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Swimmer here –

      For normal clothing I make sure to never wear a ruffle at the top of a shoulder (they don’t need to look any larger!) ad yeah, avoid the cap sleeves.

      Also – I cannot, not even with a swimsuit, wear a spaghetti strap anything because I also have Frontage and its just not a look. So I look for dresses, if sleeveless, that have wide straps or a v-neck to give balance to the rest of my top half.

      Finally – I love a 3/4 sleeve but its got to be a TRUE 3/4 – anything a little longer too close to my wrist and it looks like I shrank it in the wash. A light bell shape to the sleeve is helpful, but nothing too flappy otherwise its like wearing bellbottoms on top, which just calls attention to the size of the ham attached to the side of my body.

    9. AnonForThis*

      I have broad shoulders and thicker upper arms. I’ve found wearing shirts that are looser across my shoulders make me look larger than I am. I’ve found v-neck/bateau necklines paired with tailored sleeves that stop just above or below the elbow can be helpful. Also wearing sleeveless flowy tops (tunics) with open front cardigans can be flattering.

    10. Forrest Gumption*

      I don’t recommend cap sleeves obviously, but short sleeves on a well-tailored shirt can do wonders to minimize wide shoulders and thick upper arms. Particularly T-shirts that are tapered slightly at the waist and flare slightly at the bottom, and are a little bit longer than normal.

    11. Sally Forth*

      V necks draw the eye away from the shoulder seam. I love the feel of raglan sleeves and you’d think they would provide coverage, but they are not my friend.

    13. AVP*

      This thread explains SO MUCH about why I’ve always instinctively hated cap sleeves and love 3/4 length.

      1. TechWorker*

        I have maybe slightly-wider-than-normal shoulders, though no particular feelings about my upper arms – but I also hate cap sleeves and tbh don’t think they look good on anyone! Just don’t understand them…

    14. Stephanie*

      Nthing everyone about the no cap sleeves. I don’t do spaghetti (or even thin) straps, halter tops, or strapless.

    15. OhBehave*

      I like camisoles and cardigans in warm weather. I love the lightweight cards at Old Navy. great colors too.
      I hate my arms too.

    16. moql*

      I find raglan style yokes far more comfortable than regular T-shirt cut. ( they’re the baseball t style of attaching the arms). I’ve given up on anything that is fitted through the bodice with sleeves because it will almost always have uncomfortable armholes because my shoulders will drag things up. To get things to fit properly I almost exclusively wear sleeveless things in size small with cardigans in size medium.

      I’m not self conscious though; I love my shoulders! I like how good they look in spaghetti straps with a strong horizontal neckline to reinforce how strong I am.

  11. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Ugh, it has not been a good week for me, mental health wise. Most of it is job hunt related but I also have this kind of cycle where I’ll be doing OK for a while, then some minor thing will trigger an overwhelming spiral of truly horrible thoughts. I mean horrible in the sense of self hatred and calling myself all manner of nasty names, etc.

    A few months ago I started tapering off my antidepressant because I realized it was just making me feel blunted and unmotivated. Despite being on them for over a year (and having been on them on and off for decades) I always have this pattern of spiralling extreme negativity so I don’t think that going off them is the reason for my current mental state. I’m going to try some alternative remedies and try to clean up my house a little bit, which will hopefully help.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      Sending you warm and peaceful thoughts and hope you feel better soon.
      Depression is the pits.

    2. Sally Forth*

      So sorry. I have gone through the internal name-calling myself. Mine always come at bedtime or when I am driving alone. Maybe it’s because then I can hear myself think.

      Does activity like housework or hiking help? Is there any way you can stop the cycle cold?

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Job hunting is very stressful.
      Please call your prescribing doctor before changing your meds. Depression itself can make you “blunted and unmotivated”. Maybe you need a different dose, maybe you need a different med or a combo. Meds and med changes can take weeks to become effective. Everyone’s body chemistry is unique, which makes this tough to get right.
      I really feel for you and would love to hear you’re doing better. I hope you snag a new job soon. Stay hopeful. I believe your current low state is temporary. Sending good thoughts.

    5. NewNameTemporarily4This*

      Hug, and I had to work with the doctor and try a different kind of anti-depressant before I found one that worked. (part of mine is anxiety, I discovered).

      I am also doing CBT (my health plan is actually picking up the tab except for my co pay)… that’s been helpful as for me, stopping the negative talk to myself was key to at least easing up the depression. I’m still climbing out of the pit, but between the adjustment and the slow-but-sure counseling – and my journaling – I have hope that I can incrementally make progress.

      I tried to stop the meds by tapering down, but when I quit cleaning or doing dishes, and quit bathing regularly without having to “think” about when I last had a bath and forcing self to bathe to leave the house… I realized I was not ready to end all medication. My brain chemistry is just not going to cooperate on sheer strength of will. YMMV.

      If I were diabetic (my sister is), I would use insulin if the doctor prescribed it. In my case, my body’s issue is the brain chemistry. I am doing all the lifestyle things I can to support it, but… I need to keep that balance chemically, too. But I did find that the antidepressants are not all alike, and so switching was helpful to me. (the one I’m on worked a bit faster than some of the others I tried, so I was able to see the improvement relatively quickly). For me, blunted and unmotivated is part of my depression, but the side effects of weight gain and not ever getting to feeling remotely happy, despite a thorough trial after reaching the maximum dose, were the key to switching until I found the right one. I had good guidance, though, and a caring PCP who referred me to a psychiatrist for the med changes.

      Sending encouraging thoughts.

  12. Shirazer*

    Ever wondered about having minor cosmetic treatments? (Don’t worry, I”m not selling any!) I had some done a couple weeks ago (fillers, Botox)… Happy to answer questions (from a user perspective).

      1. Shirazer*

        No, but I am very curious about that too! If someone has experience with it, I’d love to hear!

      1. Shirazer*

        No, but the cheek fillers helped to hide some of what I need in the undereye area. They did talk about them but I didn’t get them.
        My face was a little sore the next day. Not bad.

      2. Shirazer*

        I didn’t get undereye fillers but the cheek fillers helped to hide some of what I need in the undereye area. They did talk about them but I didn’t get them. My face was a little sore the next day but not bad.

    3. Stitch*

      I do wonder a lot about seeing if I can have something done about my forehead wrinkle. I am only in my early 30s! Creams help a little.

      2. Linnie*

        I’d recommend you try argireline first – it’s a topical ingredient that acts to inhibit muscle movement to reduce the appearance of lines and wrinkles. I’ve used the serum from The Ordinary for four months now and the deep lines in my forehead have reduced considerably. It took about two months to start seeing noticeable effects there – my laugh lines were reduced after about three weeks though.

    4. Beatrice*

      What did you have done? Can you describe what the procedure was like? How do you feel about your results? How long is the treatment supposed to last? Did you experience any swelling or redness or other temporary post-procedure effects, and how long did those last? How much did it cost? Would you do it again?

      1. Shirazer*

        Botox in the forehead and around the eyes. Cheek fillers and fillers along the lines in my chin. Perked everything up without looking fake. I had a couple minor bruises after. At the time, it just felt like tiny needles. Afterwards it felt a little more sore for a day, but not terrible. I am not unhappy with the results. Any more than what I had done would look plastic I think, and I want to avoid that. It’s supposed to last 3-6 months but for some people they say the fillers can last longer.
        I don’t think I would do it again. It was something of a lark. Cost was a little over $3000.

    6. Booksalot*

      I’m interested in Botox and cannot figure out how to find a good place.

      The best reviewed local place is a medspa, but I’ve been told those are bad and you should see an actual doctor. The only actual MD I know that does Botox is a periodontist, and that sounds shady AF.

      I joined RealSelf, but the closest good option seems to be in Major City which is two hours away. Ideas?

      1. Shirazer*

        I went to a dermatology clinic that has several offices, but I think not each of them does everything. Ask your dermatologist???

    7. MOAS*

      I’m interested in under eye fillers and reshaping my upper lip.

      Did you go to a surgeon or dermatologist?
      Do they really make you look 10-12 years younger?
      Do they take your whole medical history and refuse you for it?
      Does it hurt?
      How long is down time? is there bruising etc?

      1. Shiraze*

        I went to a dermatologist. I do not look 10 years younger…. everything just looks perkier.
        They just asked about my general health. It feels like being poked with tiny needles… since that’s what it is. Not horrible.
        No down time. I went to work the next day. One light bruise, one darker bruise. Healed fine… not even that noticeable.

  13. Kuododi*

    Well, the latest update on the ongoing cancer drama. The lung biopsy is back from pathology. Officially, it was a non- smoking lung cancer. Happy to report that the tumor was such a low-grade, “baby” cancer it barely qualified for the title. The margins were as clear as a bell and they got the entire thing in the surgery. At this point, the only thing I have to do is keep up with routine monitoring. (Dumb thing is prone to reoccur.). Next on the list is the lumpectomy to get final staging on the breast cancer. Afterwards, I am looking at least at a course of radiation. I started Letrozole a couple of weeks ago as a treatment adjunct. (I keep trying to get rid of medications not add to the list.). Grrr! More information as it becomes available. Best wishes to all.

    1. WS*

      That’s fantastic news on the lung! So great that you monitored closely and caught it early.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Wow, they got the entire thing in your lung. That is great. Inch by inch, right?
      May you continue to have your load lightened here.

      1. Kuododi*

        “Breathe they say!!!” Giggle-snort. Not sure if that was an intentional or accidental bit of whimsy. Either way….it worked out well. Blessings!!!

    6. Policy wonk*

      Great that you caught it early! Keep on whatever meds/appointment schedules they recommend to catch any hint of recurrence early as well. Sending positive vibes and good wishes.

    7. fposte*

      I’m sorry it wasn’t just an x-ray shadow, but I’m so glad that it’s gone! Good luck to you on the BC treatment. I hope you can find the occasional moment not to be a patient, too–sometimes that can feel all-consuming.

      And best wishes from all to you for low staging and smooth treatment.

    8. Alpha Bravo*

      Thank you for keeping us updated. Very good news on the surgery – they got it all! Yay! Wishing you well in all ways.

    10. NoLongerYoung*

      Yippee on the clean margins and path forward. And keeping warm thoughts for the BC treatment, and radiation. One step at a time… know I am thinking of you in this corner of the internet.

    14. Quandong*

      Kuododi, I’m so glad the lung tumour was low-grade, your margins were clear, and you just need routine monitoring of your lungs in future.

      I hope you’re getting as much good rest as possible (especially given that you’ve started Letrazole). Sending many good wishes as you prepare for your breast surgery and finding out the treatment plan for that.

      Thank you for keeping us updated.

    15. Southern Metalsmith*

      Good news! So glad to hear it. For what it’s worth, I have an aunt who had lung cancer, breast cancer, and bladder cancer all at the same time about 10 years ago. In the years since the cancers were treated and she was told she was cancer free, she’s had no recurrences. So I hope your trajectory is similar!

  14. Marion Q*

    Book recommendations, please! I just finished le Carre’s Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy and now I’m looking for nonfiction about espionage. Preferably books with longue durée approach, like books that focus on the history of a particular institution or development of espionage. I’m not looking for an individual’s memoirs/biography, but any recs about the Cambridge Five are welcome.

    1. EmilyG*

      It’s mainly about one guy, so it may be too much like a biography for you, but I thought “The Spy and the Traitor” was an amazing read in this vein. The escape story is riveting.

    2. Long Island Spy Ring*

      George Washington’s Secret Six was very good. It’s about the spy ring that operated on Long Island during the Revolutionary War.

    3. SpellingBee*

      Not strictly what you asked for, but Operation Mincemeat by Ben MacIntyre is excellent – the story of a WW II espionage operation carried out by Britain. I found it fascinating.

      1. London Calling*

        Have you seen the film of that? made in 1956 as The Man Who Never Was, based on a book by Ewen Montagu, whose idea it was.

      1. Troutwaxer*

        Oh yes. Definitely a favorite. It’s a wonderful book and you can download it online. (I don’t think it’s in print anymore, so this shouldn’t hurt the author.)

        1. Forrest Rhodes*

          +1 here; great reading. Clifford Stoll has such a droll way of telling the story—and to think the whole thing started with a search for a, was it fifty-cent? discrepancy on a phone bill! Think I also recall seeing a public TV documentary about it.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I’m not a huge espionage fan, but I really enjoyed Leo Marks’ Between Silk and Cyanide: A Codemaker’s War 1941–1945; it is a memoir, but Marks includes a lot of information about espionage and cryptography practices during WWII, with details on code-making and breaking – really riveting book. (For extra book-related points: Marks was the son of one of the owners of Marks & Co., the bookshop made famous in Helene Hanff’s 84 Charing Cross Road.)

      1. fposte*

        And I believe there’s another spy connection there–spies Lona and Morris Cohen, known then as Peter and Helen Kroger, were antiquarian booksellers and friends of the Doels. Maybe that’s what got Leo interested :-).

        1. GoryDetails*

          Re the Cohens/Krogers: very cool! I did not know that… In Marks’ book, Leo describes how he got interested in cryptography after noticing the penciled-in codes in the secondhand books in the bookstore, and was delighted to find that they had “secret” meanings!

          1. fposte*

            Apparently Mrs. Doel at one party was impressed with Helen Kroger’s slinky garb and said “Helen, you look just like a Russian spy!” And a few months later, the news broke.

    6. London Calling*

      The Secret Life of Bletchley Park, by Sinclair McKay, about the codebreaking centre in Britian during world war 2. People working there included Alan Turing and it was the birthplace of computing in Britain. It covers not just the war but the setting up of Bletchley and its legacy.

      1. Avasarala*

        It’s also a series on Netflix, though the first episode was a bit too gruesome for me (serial rape & murder)

    7. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      It’s not what you’re asking for, but I have to tell you about my favorite spy, Juan Pujol. I enjoyed both books I read about him, ‘Agent Garbo’ and ‘Operation Garbo’. To learn about him is also to learn about the spy ring with 27 agents that he was running for the Germans in Britain, but since all 27 agents were entirely imaginary I don’t know if they count. If that doesn’t interest you, how about the fact that he started spying for the Germans (and feeding them bad information) well before he got hired by the British? The British only hired him because he’d been doing so well on his own account. How about the Iron Cross he was given by the Germans, personally approved by Hitler, none of whom ever realized he was feeding them bad info? Or the absolutely magnificent messages he sent to the Germans after D-Day, first patting himself on the back for warning them about it, then throwing a temper tantrum and questioning the meaning of life when he learned they hadn’t got the message?

      1. Marion Q*

        Wow, what a life! I’m always fascinated with this kind of person, so thanks for the tip!

    8. Kt*

      The Woman Who Smashed Codes was actually really good — encompassed both world wars, the development of US intelligence, and the work of catching rum runners etc during Prohibition. A little different than the usual espionage book!

    9. CTT*

      A Spy Among Friends by Ben MacIntyre is about Kim Philby AND has an afterward from John le Carre, so it is extremely up your alley. Also on the le Carre tip, it’s not solely about spies, but his memoir “The Pigeon Tunnel” is also excellent. (As is all le Carre, I LOVE HIM.)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Seconded, I just read A Spy Among Friends recently and thought it was really good.

        1. EmilyG*

          This is by the same author as the one I recommended upthread and I can’t wait to read it!

      2. Marion Q*

        le Carre is simply amazing, isn’t he? I’m kicking myself over why I waited so long to read him. He was always on my radar, and beside I love the movie version of The Constant Gardener, but I kept choosing other books instead. Now the only thing stopping me from buying all his books at once is the fact that I’d be hella broke if I do.

    12. Rufus*

      I read A Man Called Intrepid. It is a bit dense and takes a little while to get into but it’s very good, I really enjoyed it.

    13. Forensic13*

      I know you don’t want “biography” biographies, but The Woman Who Smashed Codes by Jason Fagone is a great combo of a look into espionage by way of cryptology and a story of a very unusual woman from the first half of the 20th century.

    14. Marion Q*

      Thanks everyone for the recs! I’ve added them to my TBR list; now I just need to decide which one to read first.

    15. KaladinSB*

      It’s not espionage per se, but Churchill’s Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare by Giles Milton goes into covert operations during WWII and is quite enjoyable for the audacity covered in it.

  15. Perpetua*

    Book recommendations for first-time parents?

    We’re both only children, in our early/mid-thirties, expecting our first kid in February. Although some of our friends have kids, we have limited contact with them so basically everything about caring for a baby will be new to us. :) Now, we fully plan to make use of whatever sources we have and definitely don’t think that these things can be just learned from books (and we know that each kid is different), but also, hopefully there are some books that are helpful? What has been helpful to you in this situation?

    I’ve read several lists of recommendations, but the reviews are always mixed, making it difficult to choose 2-3 books that might be of most use. So I hope the AAM braintrust has some tried and tested recommendations! :)

    1. YetAnotherUsername*

      One thing to remember is that all the evidence shows that specific styles of parenting don’t make a huge amount of difference long term. Attachment parenting versus CIO, breastfeeding versus formula, organic baby led weaning versus store bought. None of it makes a huge amount of difference long term. The main thing is to provide for baby’s basic needs and give them lots and lots of love. Then they will be fine.

      So with that in mind just pick a book that suits your style of working. For example I like routines and schedule and I LOVED the contented little baby book, which worked perfectly with my eldest. Other people swear by the fourth trimester or the happiest baby on the block, methods that would absolutely not work for me! Another one I found Good was the what to expect series.

      Pick something that suits you!

      1. legalchef*

        I loved Emily Oster’s pregnancy book (expecting better), and she just came out with a parenting book (Cribsheet).

        Also, the wonder weeks app was pretty good.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I found Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn (Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley, Ann Keppler, Janelle Durham, April Bolding) much, much more informative and reassuring than What to Expect.

    3. Anona*

      I have an almost 1-year-old. I liked Emily Oster’s expecting better. Most of my kid caring advice has come from Reddit, specifically the babybumps sub. There are subreddits within it by the month you’re due. The larger baby bumps group was ok for pregnancy (I got a lot of info there, but it contains a broad tapestry of humanity, so not everything is helpful), but the monthly sub has been key. We share about milestones and things that we’ve learned from pediatricians/our own experience. The month subreddits typically are closed (you have to message for an invite), but that’s honestly been the most helpful. My pediatrician shares some stuff, but realistically our appointments aren’t that long. The monthly group we would send messages at all hours at the beginning.

      Lucie’s list online also has a newsletter by due date, and they send reminder emails according to your kid’s age. For example, they recently sent one with recommendations for types of shoes when your kid starts walking, since that’s something that will happen for my kid soon ish, something that totally wasn’t on my radar. Lucie’s list does a great job of explaining things and breaking down the typ

      Good luck! It’s a wild ride. We had zero experience too, but you pick it up as you go, and before long your confidence gets there. There’s no perfect way to raise a kid- you’re always making your best guess with the info available.

    4. German Girl*

      Someone recommended cribsheet a couple of weeks ago. Sounds really great but I’ve not gotten around to buying it.

      I’ve started to read “How Children Develop” by Siegler, DeLoache and Eisenberg, and it’s fascinating to read about how my little one might understand the world, but doesn’t have a lot of practical day to day advice.

      The nurses at the hospital taught me how to change diapers and a few different nursing positions. My midwife and our parents answered most of our questions after we went home, and the internet (including AAM open threads) took care of the rest.

      Oh, and I got myself a book on excercise post partum. Your pelvic floor will be unusable for a day or two but as soon as you can feel something, it’s very good to start with pelvic floor exercises as early as possible and you might also want to do something to stabilize your midsection after a few weeks. But the pelvic floor stuff is the important part, because it will save you so much trouble later in life to get it back in shape right away.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        If you (OP) have trouble nursing, I recommend a lactation consultant. My impression from when I was pregnant with the first was that it would consist of telling me nonstop how breastfeeding is good, so I didn’t ask for help even though she was often hard to nurse. Then a friend of mine had twins and the lactation consultants were really helpful with subtle adjustments (“hold your elbow here, not here”) that made nursing a lot easier, with no guilt tripping. So with the second child, when it suddenly got rough to nurse him a few months in I asked a consultant available through my doctor, and they had zero lectures and much practical advice. (We wound up buying a bunch of vibrating star teethers and carrying them everywhere.)

        1. Kimmybear*

          Second the Lactation consultant recommendation but also important to find the right one. Had an awful one through my insurance who basically told me nonsense. When I found the right one, she was a miracle worker.

        2. Stitch*

          Highly secconding a good LC. The ones at the hospital were useless. The one who came to my apartment was a godsend. She fixed everything in less than a week and two visits, then also helped with bottle refusal when I needed to go back to work.

          1. Swordspoint*

            And if you’re having any problems breastfeeding, talk to a good lactation consultant RIGHT AWAY. After my emergency c-section, we were having problems and each nurse on shift at the hospital told us something a little different. My nipples ended up cracked and bleeding, and I had to stop BF for a couple of weeks (pumped milk which my husband fed to our baby with finger tubing). I felt like such a failure and my hormones were so out of whack, at one point I was curled up in a corner of the room crying and wondering if I should give her up for adoption because she was only two weeks old and I was ALREADY FAILING HER. It was awful.
            We had a wonderful woman make 2-3 home visits and she saved us.

    5. Anona*

      I typed a long reply, but here are mine! Expecting better by Emily Oster.
      I have an 11 month old, and the baby bumps group on Reddit was helpful for pregnancy information (though it’s a rich tapestry of humanity, so you do have to sift through stuff). But there are sub groups within babybumps by due date that are typically private (you have to message to join), and that has honestly been my source for most things. Someone will share about something they learned about our stage of kid, and then I’ll go a-googlein’. It’s given me a ton to ask our pediatrician about. Pediatrician is helpful, but the appointments are so short. I’ve still called the ped a ton to ask questions, but my bump group has been sooo key.
      Lucie’s list also has an online newsletter by due date. The emails from that site have been great. They often prompt me to start thinking about things, like recently they sent one about the different types of shoes available for babies starting to walk (and what to watch out for), since we that’s around where my kid is.
      There’s no perfect way to parent. Parenting is just about making the best call you can at the time, and adjusting as new information comes in. It’s a wild ride, but lots of fun too!
      Good luck!!

    6. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      I’ve been giving, loaning, or recommending copies of Baby Wisdom by Deborah Jackson to expectant parents since I was 15 (a very long time ago). It’s about how different communities around the world handle pregnancy and the first year of baby-hood. It’s a fun and interesting read with some good ideas for practical application, but it’s biggest help lies in really underlining the fact that as long as you love your kid and are reasonably consistent, you’ll not go far wrong.
      My sister-in-law swears by The First Six Weeks if you want something a little more hands on.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m a science person who finds infant and child development fascinating, but gets really annoyed at stuff that doesn’t have footnotes. (In which you would discover that a given effect is very small and swamped by other variables under any real-life condition, or it’s all drawn from one study of 17 premature infants.) So for the science inclined:

      Magic Trees of the Mind by Marianne Diamond and Janet Hopson. From 1999 (when my oldest was a toddler) but still really good. Discusses actual brain development: I found it hugely helpful to be able to look at my frustrated 2 year old and understand that her brain was overconnected compared to 6 months earlier and she couldn’t sustain focus and that was hugely frustrating for her. I think that this is where I learned that it’s not that rats with toys become geniuses but that rats in blank boxes become dumb. As YetAnother intimates, lots of parenting stuff will work just fine–it’s the extremes of bad that do damage, not the dozens of ways to do normal.

      I also liked Alison Gopnik’s The Scientist in the Crib, and she has other books as well. She’s a researcher in philosophy and infant development at Berkeley, so an interesting overlap. (I think she’s the one who had momspeak, and people who insist they don’t do that stuff, then turn to their infant and adopt a simple sentence structure and high-pitched voice to explain that NooOOoooo Daddy doesn’t do that, does he sweetie pie?)

      What to Expect has its frustrations, but my husband did read “when half your baby turns blue” within hours of her exhibiting this (alarming yet not dangerous) effect, so ask your pediatrician for a general “what to expect at age X.”

      Oh, and writing down the diapers seems weird, up until your newborn is doing something maybe concerning (gas? constipation?) and you are trying to remember when the last dirty diaper was and it’s all a blur.

      1. Observer*

        I agree with most of what you say. But I have to say that a lot of the advice to record everything your kid does (every diaper etc.) is really not just weird but bad advice. Sure, there are times when it’s a good idea or even necessary. But when it’s not it can become a real problem.

        Most of the time the EXACT timing or the EXACT amount etc. is not really important and you wind up obsessing over this stuff, as well as taking up time and energy that’s in short supply.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          For the diapers, the question is usually “has she had a bm in the last 24 hours?” Or “when was her last wet diaper” if dehydration is the concern. And it’s usually advised that you write it down for the first few blurry weeks, not 2 years.

    8. Madge*

      My baby is 16 years old so all my recommendations are also old, but still good, I think. And you can always look for more current related titles. I loved books by Dr T Berry Brazelton for the first years. Very gentle, caring advice. Ellyn Satter’s “Child of Mine” goes in-depth for child feeding at various ages and stages. Her “Secrets of Feeing A Healthy Family” gives the crib notes version with recipes and cycle menu instructions. Nothing like having a kid to find out all your food hang-ups. Ellyn Satter’s methods help keep them from getting in your way of raising a competent eater. “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” is a classic that never goes stale. Same with the ages and stages books(Titles start with “Your X Year Old”): slim little volumes of developmental info and advice for each year.

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        My husband read a lot of T Berry Brazelton’s work for his child development masters, and loves him! He also came to his graduation.

    9. Ranon*

      You need one basic reference book so you have an alternative to 2am web searches- Baby 411 is good (and has an extensive poop section which is…more useful than you would think) as is the AAP’s book for the first five years. Just something that can tell you what’s normal and what’s not before you call the nurse line anyways. Not a book, but an infant care class might be reassuring if that’s available to you.

      Luckily development doesn’t all happen right away, so once you get over the diaper/feeding hump you have some time. A baby sleep book is something most people find helpful, but even the basic reference books cover enough to start.
      Once you meet your baby you’ll have a bit of a better idea of what sort of sleep philosophy might work for them. After that, it’s really the toddler years that get you- How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen is fabulous, many people also like Happiest Toddler on the Block.

      Remember, humans are pretty variable and even the most expert author has only met a tiny sample, so if the book doesn’t sound like your baby, put it down and find another, goodness knows there are plenty to choose from.

    10. Book Lover*

      For what it’s worth, as a single mother with no experience with babies and very little help (no friends with kids and time, no family with time to help out) – I brought my baby home with no clue what to do and it all sort of works out. You change them when dirty, feed them when hungry (or a bit before) and spend a lot of time trying to get them to sleep. It’ll be fine. If reading a book helps you feel more prepared that’s fine, of course. One of my friends took some pre baby classes – baby cpr, basics, that sort of thing, and that helped her feel more confident.

      1. Retired and Happy Now*

        OP, try not to overthink the parenting stuff. As long as you take care of baby’s needs and provide love, it will be fine.
        When we adopted a seven-weeek old girl, she did come with a small box of clothing, some “instructions” on her feeding and sleeping schedule , as well as a brief summary of her time in foster care. The agency had cautioned us not to prepare a nursery or layette for the placement since (a) the age range of a potential placement was broad and (b) there could be a long delay or ultimate dissapointment during a nursery or baby clothes would be like salt in a wound. So, with barely 4 days notice, we painted a room and got together the bare minumum stuff needed, like a crib and car seat. We bought gear if the need for it came up and a couple of small showers given for us got us started on clothes. She thrived on formula and has been pretty healthy. I didn’t rely on books but lucked into a pediatric practice that had expeienced doctors who had seen it all and gave great advice over the years.
        I was nervous for the first few days but we settled quickly into a routine where she was happy and contented. My spouse and I were raised by reasonable and loving parents so we could trust our guts when it came to raising our girl.. She’s grown into a wonderful woman. And oh, last night she told me that my third grandchild (this one a surprise!) is coming soon.

    11. Stitch*

      I highly recommend both of Emily Oster’s books, Expecting Better and Crib Sheets. She crunches the studies on various pregnancy and parenting stuff and will really help you de-stress.

    12. Llellayena*

      I don’t know if something like this still exists, but when I was young, my parents had a book that listed common (and not so common) children’s sicknesses, searchable by symptom or name of sickness. The internet is probably the alternate resource for that now, but it’s useful for when the kid is coughing and you don’t know why.

    13. Tomato Anonymato*

      My list has been:

      Janet Lansbury blog (RIE)
      The Happiest Baby on the Block
      What to Expect the First Year
      The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley
      Be Prepared by Gary Greenberg (too funny)
      Natural Hospital Birth by Cynthia Gabriel
      bonus – Experimenting with Babies: 50 Amazing Science Projects You Can Perform on Your Kid by Shaun Gallagher

      And, if you have dogs at home, really helpful website/webinar (Dogs and Storks) by Family Paws website to prepare them. I think they have something about cats too. [They have toddler advice too inc stickers “Sit on the ground, not on the hound” which still makes me laugh so much.]

      You might want to consider post-partum doula to teach you more about baby care and give you some rest after the birth.

      It seems like there is so many decisions and approaches, pacifier or not, co-sleeping or not, cloth diapers or not, which baby carrier and about zillion more. There is lots of advice out there, but you will figure out what works best for YOUR family!
      P.S. Unrequested advice: Keep things unopened until you are sure you will need them, inc baby shower presents without a receipt – return them to store if not. And, I personally would recommend finding a family with older kids willing to pass on baby stuff (just check with a local preschool).

      1. Parenthetically*

        +1000 to Janet Lansbury stuff and RIE. So helpful in the infant stages and the principles continue to be incredibly helpful now that we have a delightful toddler!

      2. Stitch*

        I will note that I felt like everything useful I “Happiest Baby” could be summarized on a one page flyer. That book was really repetitive.

    14. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      My chief recommendation would be to remember that the baby can’t read.

      Which is to say that many people find a book helpful, but if you read Contented Baby and your baby is more of a Whispered Baby, life is going to be hard (and vice versa). Some babies like to be held to sleep; some like space to sleep; and you don’t know which you have without a little trial and error. It can vary between children in a family so definitely innate and not a product of environment! If you read widely, you might find the book that most closely matches your baby.

      I liked the “What To Expect” books because they’re written by medical experts rather than lifestyle coaches. LOTS of science and not too much philosophy. The Wonder Weeks app is a bit more “woo” but again offering some reassuring data (“this is a sleepless week because of spleen growth – it’s not just you”).

      Most of all I would recommend finding an online forum for parents due around the same time (e.g. Bounty or Babycenter, or Facebook groups). There will always be someone else awake to sob with you at 3am when you’re wondering what the heck you let yourself in for, someone to say “we had that and eating dark chocolate helped me”, someone to recommend a brand of diapers or strollers, fellow first-timers and old hands, and so on.

      My “birth group” saved me many a time. I’ve met up with dozens of them in real life, and we hang out online regularly. You don’t have to be best buddies with everyone (anyone) but you may just click with someone who’s equally keen on cloth diapers/unschooling/sleep training/ whatever.

    15. KR*

      My friend with a recent addition is on a large car seat safety Facebook page and says it’s been super helpful. They’ll tell you everything you need to know to get your kid in the car seat correctly. Of course they can be intense as Facebook new parents can be but nonetheless helpful.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Many hospitals and fire stations also have folks who are trained in helping you get your car seats properly and safely installed. I’ve never tried to do myself, but I hear they can be fiddly.

    16. em*

      My favorite practical advice type book is “Love and Logic for Early Childhood” – lots of ideas for structuring your overall approach to parenting/discipline with scripts and examples. I found “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” really outdated and disliked the way it was written. If you know it’s bad to hit and scream, you don’t need to read that one lol.

      Great books that are more philosophical: Gifts of Imperfect Parenting (Brene Brown), All Joy and No Fun (sounds bleak but it’s a really fascinating and reassuring study of how parenting and childhood have changed over time), Brain Rules for Baby (pop science about what actually matters most to brain development)

      1. Kuododi*

        Oooh! You stole my thunder. I was scrolling through to recommend the Love and Logic series. I’ve used their material repeatedly when facilitating parenting groups. I’ve also used it for education material when conducting family therapy. I’ve found it to be well written material, doesn’t leave one feeling as if a PhD in clinical psychology is needed to access the data.

      2. Observer*

        I think you are missing the point on “How to talk”. Plenty of parents know that it’s not ok to hit or scream but they simply don’t see an alternative, or they find themselves doing that without seeing how that came to be. That’s primarily what they are addressing.

    17. Acornia*

      Read a variety, take what works for your family and your baby, leave the rest. Don’t believe anyone who says you have to control your baby and impose a strict schedule. Don’t believe anyone who says that you have to let the baby dictate everything. You are a new family, and everyone has to accommodate each other. This might mean you have to adapt and not schedule a hike during baby’s usual nap time, and it might also mean that baby has to cry a little to sleep. You don’t have to be a martyr OR a dictator! Just love your baby and make room for them in your life. Don’t feel like you have to choose a named parenting style and follow it to the letter. Find a sweet spot that works for you.
      And don’t get caught up in what your baby “should” be doing. I work with a lot of new parents, and I’ve seen questions like “My app says that my baby should be sleeping 786 minutes per day, and my baby averages 712. How can I get his to sleep more?” or “The Blah Blah Blah Parenting App says my LO should be doing XYZ by this age, but the Yadda Yadda Yadda Parenting App says he has another two weeks before that milestone. Should I be worried? What if my baby is delayed?”
      My answer is *always* ditch the damn app. Is your baby happy, growing, healthy? Are you doing regular well baby checks? If the answer to both of those is yes, then all is well and the apps are just driving you crazy.
      And that unwanted advice? Smile, thank them, and then privately try or reject it. Same for advice you ask for. Smile, thank them, and then try it if you want or ignore it if you want.
      And that includes all the advice I just gave you.

      1. Dee-Nice*

        Acornia’s is the best advice. Do what works for you. I read 20 books on baby sleep. My baby had colic and reflux and never slept. I was not, in fact, insane or doing anything wrong. The books just didn’t apply.

        I also agree on the not tracking feeds/sleep if it makes you nuts. I breastfed. My baby ate constantly. The inside of my head was like the shack in A Beautiful Mind. Second baby, no tracking, just going with the flow. Much better.

        Enjoy your baby! Here’s hoping you get a sleeper. :)

      2. Observer*

        If you ARE going to track and app can be better than trying to do it on paper.

        But, really? Fundamentally I agree with “ditch the app”. Because most of these apps are based on two really bad premises. 1. All babies do the same things that same way and at the same time (which would be a joke if it weren’t so dangerous). 2. EXACT measurements and amounts are universally important, which is nonsense.

    18. AnonForThis*

      These are all good recommendations. One piece of advice I have is that every child is different. What may work for some may not work for others. It’s really about getting to know your little one and trial and error. I read a ton of books while pregnant with my first and when my son was born it all went out the window. Between sleep deprivation and getting familiar with his preferences and rhythms it really boiled down listening to his cues and making sure he had a clean diaper, a fresh bottle when he was hungry and a comfy place to sleep. If the baby gets sick, the doctor will be able to fill in the rest. You’ll figure it out! :)

    19. Lilysparrow*

      I really liked The Baby Whisperer, because it’s very practical about the fact that EVERY loving parenting approach will work great on about 25 percent of babies. And if the approach you try suits both you & your baby’s temperament, you’re going to think it’s magic. If you pick one that doesn’t suit your baby, you’re going to struggle. So you may have to try several different things. That’s not a sign of failure, and don’t let it become a source of guilt (you’ll be shocked how easy it is to feel guilty as a parent.)

      We also liked Happiest Baby on the Block. And there was something I read about on a website – don’t know if it’s a book or what, called Wonder Weeks. That was really helpful to understand what type of brain development was going on at different times, and how it affects sleep, hunger, and fussiness.

      Later on, when they’re 6-8 months old, (when they can wave “bye-bye”) we really enjoyed doing baby sign language. It was amazing to be able to know what she was thinking, and reduced her frustration at not being able to express her needs.

      There was one other resource I can’t recall the name of. It was a series of videos about interpreting baby’s cries. It was for newborn to about 3 months. The basic idea was that the major needs at that stage – hunger, sleep, or discomfort – cause the baby’s mouth to take on certain shapes. That makes their cry have a certain sound. It’s subtle, but you can really learn to recognize it if you listen.

      I think it was “Naa Naa” for hunger, because they have their tongue positioned to suck. “Ooooww” was sleepy, because they are starting to yawn. And “Eeeee” was discomfort/diaper change. I may be misremembering part of the details, but that’s the basic idea. It was helpful!

      Best of luck to you!

    20. Spero*

      AAP first 5 years book for 3 am disease freakouts plus a lot of practical advice. I liked wonder weeks for the reminders of growth spurts but wasn’t 100% on some of their theories. Pathways does a weekly email with development reminders including a lot of practical simple games to play with baby.
      I got a bunch from the library, read right at the end of my leave, and promptly forgot most of what they said! However, if you plan to do baby led weaning instead of purees definitely read the book!

    21. Observer*

      There are very few pieces of parenting advice that really hold up widely under scrutiny.

      One is that neither authoritarian not permissive parenting is optimal (neither will DEFINITELY “ruin” you r kid, but neither is likely to get best results.) The most likely overall style is authoritative parenting.

      BUT that doesn’t really apply much for the first 6 moths – a year. Till then you make all the decisions based of what your kids shows they need – not necessarily wants, by the way. Most infants do NOT want to be diapered, but we diaper them anyway. etc.

      Some other things to keep in mind:
      There is a VERY broad range of normal (so please don’t try comparing you kid to the neighbor / friend cousin etc.)

      Your child is not you, even if they turn out to be very similar. So, you need to keep yourself from automatically making assumptions and decisions based on what YOU would have wanted / needed. It can be a useful guide, for sure, but it’s not iron clad.

      On a similar note, children are individuals, which is one of the reasons why most rules don’t work consistently. Different kids have different needs and interests and you’ll do best taking that into account.

      Don’t underestimate your child. On the other hand “you can do anything you want” is often a rather toxic thing to tell a child because it’s often just not true and sets a kid of for impossible goals.

      Last but not least, balance and nuance is extremely useful in dealing with children.

  16. Makeup setting spray*

    I have combination skin and by the end of the day my foundation is half gone. Anyone have any setting spray recommendations? I’m not into the wet/dewey look but since I’m in my 40’s matte prob is aging so something in between would be nice.
    Don’t know if it is relevant but I use Dior backstage or Fenty Pro filter foundation.
    Thank you

    1. Makeup Addict*

      I like the Urban Decay All Nighter setting spray – I’m in my 40s with combination skin and often wear a full face of makeup, and it’s the one I’ve found makes it last best. It doesn’t look dewy or matte, just like skin.

      You don’t nention a primer, but if you aren’t using one I’d really recommend that too for longevity. I use a cheap Rimmel one most days for work, and the Urban Decay Optical Illusion one when I want to step it up.

      Primer plus foundation plus setting spray means my makeup doesn’t budge even on the hottest days.

      1. OP for this thread*

        Hi. Thanks for the reply. I do use a primer. Sorry, I should have added my whole routine.

        La roche posay Anthelios 50 mineral sunscreen
        Ultra repair hyaluronic primer
        Foundation
        Coty airspun powder

        Maybe I’m not waiting long enough between the sunscreen and primer or primer and foundation?
        Thanks

      2. LadyDisdain*

        Ben Nye. It’s what broadway performers and Disney park princesses use. and it’s less than half the price of Urban Decay.

        1. Makeup Addict*

          Ben Nye stuff breaks me out really badly, so I would strongly recommend patch testing!

    5. L.S. Cooper*

      The best setting spray I’ve used is the Ben Nye Final Seal. It’s theatrical makeup, so it will LAAAAST. Like, 12+ hours of wear and I’m still scrubbing off foundation.
      It’s also really cost effective. For $20 off Amazon, you get slightly more product that most of the expensive makeup brands, but I get mine from a local costume shop for $10 for a bottle.
      (If you do get it, a word of warning, do NOT get it into your eyes. It has a bit of menthol in it, and it will huuurt. It will also make your face slightly sticky after spraying, but a bit of powder or just waiting a few minutes will fix that up.)

    6. MOAS*

      I’m in my 30s w dry skin

      So far I love:

      NYX
      Kay von D lock it
      Tarte
      Makeup forever
      Too faced
      Huda-but only if ur ok w fragrance. I love the smell but not everyone may.

  17. Hello gorgeous!*

    My kid does not seem to want to look at, discuss, or pick colleges. Not sure how much I should do, or if I should make the arrangements to view those colleges i see as a good choice. I’m trying to keep it to types (small tech school, large state university, school in city, school in small town, school close to home, school far away). Most I can get out of kid is that they would prefer north to south. Kid says friends aren’t looking, but they could all be legacy admissions or have apprenticeships lined up (so no peer pressure/peer learning there). Add in my anxiety that I’m making the wrong decisions or missing opportunities. I just wih kid would show some preference, and maybe arrange a campus tour by themselves.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      How important is it for kid to go to college right now?

      It might be beneficial for the. To take a year off studying and get a job instead. Some kids need that buffer year. I didn’t go straight to uni, I took a year out to earn some money (necessary as I was from a low-income working-class family), and I really wish I’d taken longer. I felt that I was pushed into uni before I was ready and I still resent it ten years later.

      College isn’t going anywhere. If it’s not essential now, maybe talk to kid and suggest a year or two off with ground rules i.e., job and volunteering. Get so,etching on the CV first so that kid has a better idea of what they want to do later.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Excellent advice. Broaden the conversation as to what is next. I’m not a parent but I am someone’s kid. It would have been helpful for me to hear from my parents what they thought I was good at or where I had shown long term interest. And to use those things as stepping stones to find out what is next.

        Going the opposite way, if kiddo has a favorite aunt or uncle maybe they can get kiddo talking about picking a starting point to launch life-after-school.

        It also would have been good to hear that I could flex. I could pick something to start my adult life with and then shift over to something else if my first choice did not pan out. It can feel like these choices are set in stone and that is not reality.

        I remember the pressure to pick something was enormous. It cannot possibly be better now. Your kid might actually get something out of listening to you talk about your experiences. People do love stories and if you tell your story you are not requiring the kiddo to talk. Talking is HARD. You can throw in stories of what you have seen other people do, too. Heck,you could share stories that you read here on AAM.

        In my own life, it was the men who really struggled with what to do. In most cases, these men should have gone to a tech school or learned a trade such as plumbing or carpentry. That was their natural gift. Each of these men grew into adults who had extraordinary ability to work with their hands and to design things. With the women it was not so obvious for me, but I still could see it happening. Some people just prefer doing work with their hands or prefer a creative line of work. And that can be tough to figure out in the early stages. This is why I suggested pointing out long term interests. Continued interest in a particular arena can be a clue.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep. I flunked out of college three times because people kept shoving me into going. When I finally decided I was ready and knew what I wanted to do, I finished my first (yes) bachelor degree magna cum laude, then did two masters degrees at the same time, and now I’m two classes and a paper shy of my second bachelor degree. (I used to think I hated school. I didn’t hate school. I just needed to get there at my own pace. The second bachelor degree is because I need it for a specific career certification in the field I’ve been working in for fifteen years, but at this point I just enjoy being in college classes and learning things.)

        College will still be there later, and not going to college now is not going to be harmful to your kid, where pushing them into it can in fact cause problems down the road.

      3. Traffic_Spiral*

        Sounds good. Basically he has to pick something: job, volunteer, college, whatever – and be working towards it.

        1. Hello gorgeous!*

          Kid has shown no interest in getting job, shows no interest in doing anything other than internet, reruns of the office and video games. Kid did not line up job for summer, spent it in dark room with computer. Had kid meet with counselor to rule out depression. I’m not/don’t want to force kid into anything, I’d be fine if kid has some preference for taking a break/not going to college/going to college/trade school/apprenticeship/get job, but kid just seems to want to have no responsibilities at all, and my worries are that I haven’t prepared kid to be/transition to being/ an adult. I don’t expect kid to have a destination picked out, I just want kid to have a general direction and move towards it.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            How busy was he in high school? If he had an awful lot going on, he probably wants some time to decompress and just do nothing.

          2. Person from the Resume*

            Why are you defaulting to college (in your question)?

            “I don’t want to pick a college” is pretty clear and a set up for flunking our and feeling like a failure. Just tell your child that living at home and not working is not an option and enforce it. He has to get a job when he graduates high school no matter what. If he isn’t in college full time, then he needs to pay at least some – most – of his bills. A high school graduate, not college student, adult should be starting to figure out how to support himself because that’s the rest of his life. If he realized that he want a career that requires more education or training, he’s so much more likely to graduate.

            Frankly the idea that your child is that unmotivated and you’re looking at out of state schools (north preferred over south) is kind of crazy. If your kid doesn’t have an degree that narrows down the school in mind, you should be looking at community college or the cheapest, closest public school.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Yes to community college! It’s a great way to get into the swing of college life and earn some credits taking the core requirements while he narrows down a major. Or it can help him decide that college just isn’t what he wants to do. And it’s much cheaper than going to a college or university.

            2. Observer*

              I really agree with this. Except that I would not even be looking at schools at all. Unless and until HE has an idea of what he wants to do, you need to stop with schools. There is no way to find the “right” school, because it doesn’t exist under the current circumstances.

          3. NoLongerYoung*

            It sounds like “picking a college” is not the real problem. It sounds like your worries might be well-founded (sorry) and there is something underlying here. That’s where the push needs to happen. There can be no option to not adult. (That’s called enabling).

            If kid was interested in something, you could help with that. If kid is interested in nothing, you do owe it to him to figure out why life is a dark hole with no future, and deal with that, not pressure to go to college.

            Your response here is super helpful as to the underlying nature of the problem… and where I think the focus needs to be. Sending reassuring thoughts. This sounds like the crux of the problem.

            2. Observer*

              Exactly right.

              Help him figure out why he is not interested in ANYTHING and in the meantime, you need to stop enabling him to do nothing.

          4. Another Anonymous*

            It should be clear that not-adulting is not an option. So kid can be pursuing something of their choosing or something of your choosing (college.) Until kid presents alternatives, take the lead. Visiting campuses may ignite interest or enough disdain to motivate kid to present alternatives.

            Btw, I work in data at a large public university. At this school, for students fresh out of high school, success is highest when students are fully immersed (full-time course load (12+ hours), living on campus.) If finances allow, I’d highly recommend making that happen.

            Also, sounds like kid could use some friends who are more forward thinking. If kid ends up going the college route, fraternities and sororities offer a lot in this regard. When I was in school, even the party-centric sororities had a minimum 3.0 GPA requirement.

            Btw I’m defaulting to college because kid isn’t presenting alternatives. If kid had reasonable plans, I wouldn’t force college. If kid had unreasonable plans, I might try and force college for a trial year. Alternatively, kid could move out, make money, and be as unreasonable as they wish! Good luck!

          5. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

            With no interest in a major, there’s no point in pushing college. This is a greatly oversimplified scenario, but I think you should present kid with an invoice that includes cost for internet, phone, TV, and rent, and tell him (assuming “him”) he needs to be prepared to start paying it in 30 days. Then be prepared to cut off internet, phone, and TV at your house at that time, with a moveout date to follow. I wouldn’t give the option of applying to school as a way out because then kid might just apply to avoid the cutoff, then just not follow up. (If kid is still in high school, then the rent/moveout part doesn’t apply yet). Again, I know it won’t be that simple, but the basic idea is kid needs to take responsibility, and experience real consequences if he doesn’t. You should not be resigned to indefinitely bear the expense of kid’s poor life choices. Maybe you didn’t previously prepare kid to transition to being an adult, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start doing it now.

      4. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I really wish all people would take a year (or two or five) off before going to college. So many kids haven’t a clue what they want to do career-wise after graduation and they either drop out or change their majors several times. Had I gone to college right out of high school, I for sure would have picked the wrong major.

    2. Admit One*

      I can’t tell from your post whether you’ve had a conversation with Kid about whether they really want to go to college or not.

      If you have, and they’re enthusiastic about the concept but just aren’t doing anything about it, it’s time for a sit-down conversation. This is when you let them know that they need to be responsible for taking the lead on this, that you are happy to support and advise as necessary but that this is their life, their future and you can’t do it for them. And then you step back and let them figure it out. (If they are used to you doing these things for them, and you are used to being in control of these things, this will be hard. It’s really important though!)

      If you haven’t had that initial “do you WANT to go to college?” convo yet, that’s your starting point. Ask them, listen without arguing or judging, and you’ll find out what’s really going on. If they aren’t interested or want to do something else – that’s fine. College isn’t the right path for everyone. What DO they want to do next?

    3. un-pleased*

      I am a professor who myself took 2 “hiatuses” from college. Once I was ready to get it done, I got it done. I have two-college-aged kids who haven’t gone to college. One had a kid, both have been working, and both are thinking about going to college now.

      It will be fine if kid doesn’t go immediately. Some of the best students I have are ones who took time to travel, work, or do other things (including the military). The expectation that college follows high school immediately does not serve all students well. Sometimes kids flame out when they don’t know what to do with themselves in college, and that really becomes a problem that can have longer-term effects on their self-esteem, confidence, and achievement than just waiting and going when they are ready.

      And don’t forget vocational options like plumber or electrician. Encourage your kid to spend time just imaging different life trajectories, including different types of campus environments as you have been, and don’t pressure them.

      Ask them to think about what their ideal adult lifestyle, family configuration, etc., would be, and then work backward from there to think about a few trajectories that might get them there. Framing it not explicitly about college, but about living their best life, might be more effective. And don’t be surprised if they don’t have any great ideas and need more time.

    4. YvonneHartman*

      My daughter was the same as yours. I ended up choosing the 7 schools to which she applied, arranging campus visits, etc. I think the whole process was too overwhelming and intimidating for her and she was just paralyzed. However, she wanted to go to school and had a major picked out. I normally let my kids work things out themselves, but this seemed like too big a hurdle for her to manage so I stepped in. She was accepted to all the schools, and after her scholarship offers came in we narrowed it down to 2 final choices. She made the final choice. She is now a junior and has been very happy and successful. Also, she has done all her summer job research, applications, etc. all by herself so I think I did the right thing stepping in this one time.

      1. Madge*

        This posted after I started writing my reply and I like it. Very compassionate and understanding. College selection can be very overwhelming, so if that’s what you think is going on, Hello gorgeous, then this is a good approach.

      2. Reba*

        Yes, the field is vast and it feels like the decision is so, so weighty… Given the pressure, I can totally understand your kid’s just tuning it out or avoiding it. (FWIW I think the college decision IS consequential, but it is not everything, and it’s worth remembering and reminding your kid that it’s not like choosing the rest of your life right there! I went to a college that was not totally perfect and I am all good!)

        I remember that my parents got a bunch of those guides/rankings books, and we looked them over and came up with a short list together. My parents respected my agency but definitely did a lot to help me (e.g. making a chart to track deadlines, driving me to campus visits).

        I applied to 6, I think, and visited them all. It was a lot! I read about kids applying to 20+ colleges now which seems totally bananas to me.

      3. Earthwalker*

        This. When a kid has been in American public school for their entire life, and been told where to go and what to do, and doesn’t understand the working world beyond maybe “do you want fries with that?” they don’t have much background for taking the initiative on college. High school has a handful of courses offered in a given year and most are mandatory anyway. College has hundreds. What a difference! And then there’s a major and minor. If you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up, how do you choose? If you get it wrong is your life ruined? So many questions, and if you ask you know you’ll look stupid. So yes, so obvious in retrospect for adults, but so overwhelming for lots of kids. I like your idea of coordinating a campus visit to help a child begin to get a feel for what it’s all about.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      How old are they? It’s not unusual to start looking in spring of or summer after junior year.

      Assuming that they are 16-ish, I think it’s okay to do the visits you suggest (big campus, small) and hope they spark some ideas.

      Much sympathy. It’s hard to know when you should push and when stand back and let them figure it out.

    6. Madge*

      It sounds like you’re hoping that if you push now your son will at some point be ready and carry forward, make a decision or accept yours, and successfully apply himself to his education. Unfortunately, a more likely scenario is that he’ll go off to the college of your choice and flunk out. College is hard and there are so many more temptations. And he’ll be an adult. Colleges really respect that boundary these days. He needs to be committed to the plan and the best way for that to happen is if it’s his plan. I think it’s time for you to really talk about what he wants to do. Let him do the work. If it doesn’t get done then that’s a choice he is making and he can experience the consequences of those choices. Better to let him fall now when the only damage is a skinned knee and you’re there to help him up.

    7. Book Lover*

      Maybe see what the deadlines are for a local community college and let it drop for a while? A year working or taking some college classes and working wouldn’t do any harm.

      1. Nicki Name*

        This is just what I was going to suggest! I started off with community college myself. English 101 etc. are pretty much the same at any kind of college. Then, when they’ve decided what they want to do with their life, if it’s something that requires a college degree, they can pick a school that’s good for that particular major. And if it’s a highly selective school, it’ll probably be much easier to get in as a transfer student.

    8. Stephanie*

      My kids are 17 and 20 (daughter is entering her senior year in college and son is entering freshman year in college), and I did have to push both of them a little to start the process. I think it’s really overwhelming for some kids. There’s so much emphasis on the importance of picking the right college that it can be paralyzing to even start. I think it’s a good idea to talk to your kid about college in general–is your kid ambivalent about college? Would a gap year of some kind be a good idea (with an agreement about what that looks like: volunteering, or travel, or working, what ever you think is the best use of that time)?
      I did find that once my husband and I got the process started and actually visited campuses, both kids were more enthusiastic about it.
      Good luck!

    9. Gloucesterina*

      How accustomed is your child to taking the lead on major projects/life decisions? This could be really new territory for them, and it’s difficult for me as an adult!

      1. Gloucesterina*

        Depending on your kid, having an “escape plan” or plan B could lower the bar to entry–like, deciding after X number of semesters, I will re-evaluate and decide if this particular college is right for me and if I’d want to transfer or change course entirely.

    10. Acornia*

      I am in the same boat with my youngest. She wants to go, and in fact is planning to go, but she won’t even consider looking at any other school than where her sisters went. I would like her to explore options and choose something because she knows she wants to go there, not just because it’s what her sisters did.

    11. big X*

      Might just be scary and overwhelming. I did all my college stuff myself but was like this once I graduated and had to get a job – the whole process was very scary and new and I didn’t know what to do or what to expect…so I did about two years worth of research abroad plus a Fulbright before looking for a job. Now I am like this for going back to grad school, ha. So I sympathize with the kid.

      Sometimes it’s just Scary and other times it’s flat-out Not Ready. I would narrow it down before going through the effort of doing the college stuff for them. Do they even want to go to college? (Because don’t waste your money if they will just drop out). What major do they want? What do they want to do in the future? It helps the anxiety (personally) to have some framework and goal before going into something.

    12. anna*

      Similar to some of the other replies, but I didn’t want to go to college when I finished high school; I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and was terrified of being on my own. My parents pushed me into going, handholding me through every application step, and I had a mental breakdown a year or so in and came home. I then spent about 2-3 years working, saving money, and figuring out what I was good at and what I was interested in. When I decided it was time to go back I did all the application stuff on my own and am now on track to graduate next year with great grades.

      Which isn’t to say your kid isn’t ready for college, but if they’re not, that’s okay. Some kids need more time (and some kids never go and still end up fine.)

    13. The New Wanderer*

      It can be tough both for kids who want to go to college but don’t always know how to answer the questions adults ask about it (me), and for kids who don’t want to go to college but don’t know what else they want to do (my brother). If they hear other people’s stories, that might help them narrow down what they want, but they might also just not know yet and that’s reasonable. Gap years are common in other parts of the world, they really should be a thing in the US too.

      FWIW I was very academically inclined and never considered not going to college, but I had the worst time talking to the guidance counselor about it. She would not accept that I didn’t care if it was a big or small school, in-state or out, rural or urban setting, north, south, either coast, or whatever. Honestly, I just wanted to go to the best STEM-heavy school I could get into and that was literally it for deciding where to apply. Guidance counselor called my parents and told them I wasn’t interested in college because I wouldn’t talk about it in her terms.

      My brother didn’t care at all so my mom did all the field work and got him accepted to University 1, where he withdrew before failing out. Next year University 2, where guess what, he withdrew before failing out. Then there was the stint at community college where he just didn’t go to the classes. Finally he got his act together after some shorter term retail jobs just to pay bills and has held his current job, where he is the resident expert, for almost 20 years. He’s extremely well suited for it but there’s no way as a teenager he would have been able to say yeah, that’s the career/vocational path I want.

      Maybe as others have recommended, it should be more of an open conversation where college is one option but other options are laid out and the decision to be made is, if not college then what? And the what is not a lifetime commitment but just a next step.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        What an awful high school counselor!?! The college experience and culture is more important than the degree/area of focus. You sounded sensible; your guidance counselor? Not so much.

        18 year old me “knew” I wanted to be an aerospace engineer so that narrowed my selection down a lot. Of course I changed my mind after the first year. I changed to computer science and that worked out perfectly for my career. 18 year old was at least right that I wanted a career in engineering or sciences and I did pick a science and technology focused university so there were options.

    14. Scandinavian in Scandinavia*

      I’m grateful that in my day, one or more gap years was expected of you. I took one, but should have taken two or three in order to mature and gain lige experience and purpose. Starting college too early had a bad effect on motivation, the quantity and quality og my work, learning, and grades.
      Good luck!

    15. ...*

      My mom pretty much applied to colleges for me because I was short sighted and unmotivated. I think you’re fine if you arrange visits.

    16. Observer*

      Back off. If Kid wants to go to college, they need to be involved in the process. If they don’t want to go to college, then you can’t make them go, and even if you could it would not be a good idea.

    17. KoiFeeder*

      The bottom line is that if your child doesn’t want to go to college, then they shouldn’t go. I’m pretty sure I don’t know anyone in my graduating class that didn’t want to go- most of my peer group that just went because they felt obligated to dropped out with student loans hanging over them. College is expensive, and it’s not for everyone!

      Secondarily, it might be good to get into the reasons why kid isn’t interested in college. If kid doesn’t want to, kid doesn’t want to and that’s their prerogative. If kid doesn’t want to because the teacher told them that they’re too dumb to go to college, that’s a whole other bed of worms.

    18. Late Commenter*

      I would phrase this in terms of basic logistics. What happens when Kid graduates from high school? Can they live with you full-time (as opposed to during college breaks). If so, for how long? Will they need to help with bills? And what other rules will there be? Because this is about how they’re going to provide for themselves, ultimately. That’s a basic reality that most of us face. I think it’s more akin to, “You need to bathe regularly,” than “enabling,” which sounds more abstract and psychological. It’s a basic reality of life that we need income or the kind of support that comes with being a college student (food, housing, stipends, etc). Obviously, I don’t know the details of your financial situation – kid could be set for life – but even then, there are good reasons to work / go to college.

      Also, Kid’s friends could be looking for colleges and not being honest and open about it. That can happen. It might be worth pointing that out.

      Everyone else has good advice too.

  18. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What is everyone reading this week?

    I’ve finished book seven in The Expanse series, and it’s always nice to revisit the crew of the Rocinante. I’m about to start reading The Ape Who Guards the Balanve (8 or 9) in the Amelia Peabody series, high is perfect for an August weekend.

    1. vanillacookies*

      I’ve been meaning to start reading the Expanse! But I’m in the middle of The Three Body Problem at the moment.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I’m reading the last book of the Parasol Protectorate series, Timeless. I’m not a big fan, but the local library has the whole series through OverDrive. Apparently this makes me a completist. I’m not one usually.

      1. Book Lover*

        I enjoyed the first one and then got progressively more discouraged. I think there was a relatively early one where there was an accusation of adultery against the main character and I didn’t find it fun at all.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re the Parasol Protectorate series: I really enjoyed those, especially whenever Lord Akeldama, Biffy, and/or Professor Lyall were involved. (The first few books were adapted as mangas, which I found VERY entertaining!)

    3. annakarina1*

      I’m about to start The Rust Maidens by Gwendolyn Kiste for my book club this month. It’s a horror novel, and from the first few pages, seems to be starting out well enough.

    4. Jen RO*

      I’m reading Naomi Nobik’s Uprooted, after someone recommended it to me on last week’s open thread. I’m not hating it, but not loving it either. A bit too YA for my taste and a bit too long (I’m about 60% in and I’m starting to read interest).

      1. Book Lover*

        The end is delightful. Read it to the end and then try Spinning Silver. But I loved uprooted and wouldn’t read most of the middle again, so I get it.

      2. Stitch*

        She reminds me heavily of Robin McKinley. I like the first couple books on her Temeraire series but it got a little slow after book 2 or so.

        Minor spoilers for Uprooted. For a second I thought she was going to go in a more interesting direction (with a female love interest) but then didn’t and ugh, really, another old man/young woman pairing?

        2. Jen RO*

          Ugh. I just got to that point in the book and I… just… what. She is 17 and he is a hundred something! Ughhh. So unnecessary.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      I just finished Becoming by Michelle Obama. I loved it. The bits where she talks about championing girls’ education made me well up on the train three times. And she makes the Queen sound like such a badass too!

      Now I’m into The Essex Serpent by Sarah Perry, which I’ve wanted to read for ages. Only a few pages in but so far so good!

    6. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      I am loving/ furious with Invisible Woman: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men. I can’t recommend it highly enough, but I keep having to cool off and take comic relief breaks with Bill Bryson’s The Road to Little Dribbling.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Oh I know. I am so angry after reading that book (and listening to every interview I can find with the writer) that I am ready to start The Revolution.

    7. WellRed*

      I just picked up a stack of books at the library, 4 mysteries, a memoir and a book on food/ diet. I’m on vacation!!! Beach. Books!

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      Snowing in Bali – nonfiction about the drug trade there. Really interesting and fun.

    9. GoryDetails*

      I always have several books in progress; at the moment, the ones I’m enjoying most include:

      The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Black, in which an ordinary-seeming small town abuts a realm of faerie, with often-disturbing consequences; some intriguing riffs on Being Very, Very Careful What You Wish For (or, in this case, what you make deals with the fey for). The main characters are a brother and sister who’ve spent time in the fey realm, sometimes in fascinated awe over a beautiful horned prince sleeping in an unbreakable crystal coffin and sometimes hunting the more malevolent creatures who live in that realm. (Both siblings have a serious crush on the sleeping prince, making it interesting when he wakes up…)

      Ascension by Jacqueline Koyanagi, a science-fiction novel with some gritty-realistic aspects (major class divides, grinding poverty and lack of decent medical care for the lower tiers while the wealthy can do just about anything) that segue into a feisty heroine going to great risk to achieve her personal goal of becoming engineer on a starship. Lovely characters, including the starship in question, and some nice subplots dealing with polyamorous relationships.

    10. Pam*

      Biggest recommend is This Is How You Lose the Time War, by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone. Epistolary stories are my jam.

      I also got the newest! Penric & Desdemona story, The Orphans of Raspay.

      I’m rereading the Suds in Your Eye series by Mary Lasswell. Cute, funny books from the 1940s/50s. Three little old ladies drink beer, enjoy life, and help others.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I really want to try my hand at writing an epistolary novel. Dracula is one of my favorites, also Les Liasons Dangereuse.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Coincidentally I am currently reading Dracula. It’s part of my “how did I go so long without reading this?” list… so far I am ambivalent despite having a fondness for the 19th c and it’s writers. I’m alternating with listening to ‘Ready Player One’ with my daughter.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Fun fact: Dracula has not been out of print since it was published in May 1897.

            For a Victorian novel, it’s pretty action-packed!

      2. Jen Erik*

        I love them also: I think I was converted young by Daddy-Long-Legs. Have you read Freedom and Necessity?
        Thanks for the recommendation, I’ve ordered a copy.

    11. Jaid*

      The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu. It’s a Chinese low-fantasy gay romantic novel set in the Qin/Hang Dynasty, with ghosts and monsters. It’s only available in English online, though at Exiled Rebels Scanlations.

      It’s verrry popular, expanding into a manhua (comic book/manga), an animated series, a radio drama, and a live-action TV series, not to mention lots of music based on it. Um, the gayness was toned down,because China has issues with homosexuality FYI.

      It’s really fun, though, especially with the main character being clueless about how the other guy feels about him. To be fair…the MC had been dead for thirteen years so…. ;-)

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I just started reading Chuck Wendig’s enormous new book, Wanderers. It’s getting rave reviews, but I’m a fan of his and would have bought it anyway.

      After a comet flies over, random people suddenly all start walking in one direction like zombies and can’t be stopped or they will literally explode like that bitten girl in Cloverfield. So far, it’s like a cross between Stephen King’s Under the Dome and Night of the Living Dead. I am DYING to see what the hell happens!

      1. Jen RO*

        This sounds really interesting! I haven’t heard of the author, but I think we have similar tastes, so I ordered a Kindle sample.

    13. HannahS*

      I put Sisters of the Winter Wood on hold at the library, and I can’t wait. It’s a fantasy novel set in a Jewish community on the border between Ukraine and Moldova. I read a sample, and it’s so unapologetically in a Jewish setting. There’s a lot of Yiddish (and Hebrew, and Ukranian). There are references to ideas and practices and customs of early 20th century Chassidic Jews that are just sort of there and not meticulously explained. I’ve never seen any of that in a book that wasn’t, like, “Jewish Folktales for Children,” intended for a solely Jewish audience. So yeah, I’m excited!

    14. Damien*

      I’m reading the second book in the Duncton series, called Duncton Quest (the series is fictional and follows the story of a system of moles in the English countryside). One review described the books as Watership Down meets Lord of the Rings, which is pretty much spot on. It’s a bit heavy on religious themes – the moles worship and believe in the power of a special stone near to their home, which is integral to the plot – but the characters are well-written, the twists and turns of the plot can be a real surprise, and there’s little in the way of Main Character Immunity when it comes to falling in battle during fight scenes. The fight scenes themselves are something else, too.

    15. Merci Dee*

      I just finished re-reading It this week.

      Considering how much I love Stephen King’s works, I was surprised to realize 2 years ago that I hadn’t read that particular book yet. So I decided to download and dive in the first week of August 2017.

      No big deal …. in theory.

      Except that was the week my air conditioner decided to die, and it took a whole week to go through the home warranty company to get it diagnosed and fixed. Let me tell you, friends and neighbors, going a week without air conditioning …. in Alabama …. during August …. absolutely sucks (we had a rain system over the state every day that week so the temps never got above the high 80s, but the air was extra damp and sticky because of the afternoon rain storms). I packed my daughter off to spend some time at my parents’ place so she wouldn’t be home all day long in the heat, so I was coming home to no one but the cat every evening.

      As soon as I got home, I would open my side door since it had a screen door as well, I’d open some windows in the bathroom and the bedrooms, and then would turn on the attic fan. I’d set up my folding camp chair in front of the breeze from the screen door, and spend the evening reading It. And getting freaked out every once in a while by a noise that would come from somewhere else in the house where windows were open and any manner of interdimensional spider masquerading as a clown could slither in and try to kill me. Needless to say, I had to walk a few patrols around the house every night to set my paranoia to rest. All because of a book I was reading.

      It. Was. Awesome.

      So I now associate It with hot evenings in August, a strong breeze from the attic fan, and a slight sense that something is taking advantage of all the fan noise to slip closer undetected. Isn’t that pretty much what we all want from our horror novels?

      P.S. I remember seeing the It miniseries on TV in 1990, when I was 13 and should have been able to handle it with no problems. But to this day, in my 42nd year, I refuse to stand or walk on storm drains because of creepy Tim Curry. That reaction was only reinforced with Bill Skarsgard’s interpretation in 2017.

      Don’t get me wrong, now. I loved Tim Curry’s campy portrayal, it was great. But Bill Skarsgard just inspired a whole new level of horror and creepiness with that role. It’s almost unsettling how well he brought to life a non-human killing machine with absolutely zero concept of humanity’s softer qualities.

      Can’t wait for Part 2 in a few weeks!!!

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        All I can think of is Joey putting The Shining (and then Little Women) in the freezer when it got too scary in Friends.

        1. Merci Dee*

          I also loved The Shining. Was definitely a moody, atmospheric story that kept getting grimmer and grimmer as fall progressed to winter. I keep meaning to get Doctor Sleep for the follow-up, but keep picking up something else to read instead.

    16. Forensic13*

      I’m trying to make my curricula for my fall classes (college writing) so I’ve been reading a lot of random things, including a manners book from 1855 with the most ridiculous illustrations. But my favorite re-reads for that purpose have been How Long ‘Til Black Future Month? by N.K. Jemisin (short story collection) and Maus by Art Spiegelman (graphic novels.)

  19. Anonadog*

    You know how telemarketers and phone scammers spoof a local number on the caller ID when they call you, to up the odds you’ll pick up? I recently moved to a new state and a new area code, and not 5 days later I started getting junk calls “locally.” I didn’t change my number so … how did they know??

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My friend who recently lost her husband, had a phone call from someone who spoofed her own phone number. The caller id showed her phone number. She said, “Oh, look, Hubby called me. I didn’t know they had phones in heaven!”

        1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

          It probably wasn’t done deliberately, phone spammers use computer programs to dial thousands of numbers in sequence while spoofing a fake origin number for call ID. I get calls like that too.

          1. Blue Eagle*

            Just last week we started getting phone calls from our own phone number with my hubby’s name as who is calling. Do they really think I’m going to pick up a call from myself?

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, really.

          Fortunately, my friend decided not to let it bother her too much and she found a way to make herself chuckle. My friend is admirable like that.

    3. Rebecca*

      I am curious as to how they would know, too, without accessing the location info on your phone, which in itself is troubling.

      I am at BEC stage with scammers! I have a Comcast VOIP phone#, and exactly 3 people have it. The caller ID log on my phone shows that nearly every town in PA has called me, and now, I’m getting calls that say “CallerID273” or “CallerID561”, 187, 313, 529, and on and on. Very few voice mails, but the ones that show up are robocallers about Microsoft Windows something expired, or credit card interest rates. My favorites are when they start out “Don’t hang up!”. **CLICK** that’s the best way to make me hang up the phone.

      The worst ones are the spoofed numbers from here in town. It’s a very small town, so chances are, if they spoof a local number, you’ll either know of that person’s family or maybe even know them. I picked up a call on Mom’s landline, was going out the door, but thought I should answer in case someone was calling to ask about her, and it was a robocaller and I couldn’t even yell at them. Grrr!!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh so true. I got a call from one of my new neighbors and it took me a while wondering why a woman was calling me from single guy’s house.

      2. Observer*

        They don’t need to use the location on your phone. There are all sorts of address databases that also have cell phone numbers. So they basically pull all the cell phone numbers in Zip Code 12345 or 12345-1233 and spoof an area code that works in that zip code. They don’t even bother to look at the area code of the phone most of the time.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Twice a year I’m spammed by a recruitment agency with sketchy practices. The first year they spoofed numbers from Costa Rica and California, and this year from New York and Sao Paulo. I never answered because I know no one from those countries and they’re known to be super cheap.

    5. LizB*

      There’s a great episode of the podcast Reply All on this (title is #135 Robocall: Bang Bang). I don’t remember what the exact answer was, but it has something to do with location data on your phone, things you’re searching/places you’re checking in, and the robocall “industry” being fully out of control right now.

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        I was also going to say this. It’s funny that I also don’t remember the answer but would still recommend the episode – I suppose the journey is the point, not the destination :)

        1. LizB*

          Right? The message I came away with was, 1) I’m not crazy, there really have been an uptick in robocalls lately, and 2) if an unknown number shares any digits with your own number, it’s probably a robocall. (It helps that I no longer live in my phone’s area code, so nobody around there has a legit reason to call me except people whose numbers I already have saved.)

      3. Observer*

        That’s a pretty good podcast, but it turns out that the location data is not the main thing they use, at least not directly.

        Nevertheless, if you have a smartphone, look at all the apps you have. Get rid of any that don’t give you real function and have a solid privacy policy. And reduce the permissions you give to any app. Most apps that request location data REALLY do NOT need it. Turn that off. There is no good reason to give scammers additional ways to track you and scam you.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      The carpet cleaning robo call recently came up as “US Govt FEMA”. I answered the phone, true (I find it ringing and ringing more annoying) but who is going to believe your carpet cleaning service legit when it claims to come from FEMA?

    7. Melody Pond*

      Not a direct answer to your question, but I wanted to say – I found an app that has pretty much stopped all my robocalls! I heard about it after reading an article in NPR about robocalls, because they mentioned this app/company.

      The app is called YouMail – they have paid versions that do more fancy things, but the free version will block robocalls. The app works by taking over as your voicemail service – they have a massive database of spoofed numbers, and when one of them tries to call you, if the app already knows it’s a spoofed number, it sends it straight to your voicemail. But not just your regular voicemail – the app works by getting your number removed from the robocall company’s lists. Because YouMail takes over your voicemail, it doesn’t send them to your regular voicemail – that happens all the time, and when they get your regular voicemail, they’ll still keep you on their list. With YouMail, the robocall gets that automated three-tone message that says “this number is no longer in service” – so not only do they block the calls, but they get your number gradually removed from the lists of robocall companies.

      Heads up, though – setup for the app was a bit complicated. I had to call a couple of numbers, and then the app had to call ME a couple of times, but then they’d call me and tell me NOT to pick up (so they could go to my voicemail?). It was a process. But in retrospect, totally worth it.

      Also, the app will greet callers in your contact list by name. When my husband calls and gets my voicemail, he hears a message that starts with, “Hello Mr. Pond”. It asks the caller to speak clearly, because the app will transcribe the voicemail as best it can. And it totally knows when a new number is legitimate – I’ve never had an issue with missing a call from a doctor, the vet, etc., – numbers that are NOT already in my contacts list.

      I promise, this post wasn’t sponsored. :) I’m just really thrilled with the results I’ve gotten.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        As an app that implies cell phone… anything for land lines? We still have one because it’s our Internet service.

        3. Managing to get by*

          If you need the landline for internet, you don’t have to have a phone set plugged into it.
          I had a landline because it came bundled with my internet and cable and when I called to have it removed the other two services would cost MORE than the bundle (thanks a lot Comcast). I use my cell phone for all calls and only got spam calls on my landline so just unplugged the phone.
          About a year ago I was finally able to get ride of the landline and get a reduction to the overall cost of my monthly service. I still don’t understand how Comcast’s pricing works…

  20. Tree & Sidewalk*

    I posted, a few years ago I think, about my weird tree problem where an old tree that technically belongs to the city was pushing up my sidewalk and the tree is not in great shape and the neighbor doesn’t want to fix his adjoining sidewalk, ugh ugh ugh. My sidewalk has gotten a lot worse, so I had the arborist back out yesterday and he think it’s time for the tree to go. It is an old tree and not a type (maple) that would be planted here anymore because it gets too big and can’t thrive with its roots covered so much. The amount of root grinding required to fix my sidewalk is probably too much for the tree to survive.

    At this point, I am coming to terms with losing it, and want to get started growing a new tree, but I also live in a shade-parched NE city and am really sad, because it makes the front of my house feel more quiet and private, and my cats love watching birds and squirrels in it.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      If it’s a city tree, can they remove it for you?

      I lost a big tree here, too. When the tree people say it’s time for it to go, then it probably is time.
      I hope you can get something else planted somehow.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      If you haven’t checked with your city already, you might see if they will remove the existing tree and replant with another. I came home one day to find that the city took down the tree in front of my house (it is on the patch between the sidewalk and street). It was buckling the sidewalk and posed a threat to the utility lines. My city has a tree planting program, so requested a new one and it was planted the following spring. They also repaired my sidewalk but I did have to submit a request myself.

    3. fposte*

      I lost a beautiful old maple and I’m still sad. And the guidelines about planting in the city right of way have changed, so I can’t replant another one there. Do you have recommendations about what new trees could be planted there? Maybe you can at least look forward to that.

      I remember your post because it seemed to illuminate how weirdly individual municipalities are on what’s a city problem and what’s a homeowner problem. It sounds like this did unfairly end up all on you, which is a bummer.

      1. Tree & Sidewalk*

        You’ve put your finger on it; my city it just really weird about the responsibilities. The arborist thinks its lean is bad enough that the city may remove it promptly if I call them. (I’d previously tried to avoid involving the city because I thought they might cut it down when it was salvageable, or tell me to wait 5 years for service.) I’d rather they do it for free, at this point. If they won’t deal with it, they still have to give him approval for removing it, so getting them to come look at it is the first step either way.

        The city does give away street trees but the wait is 2 years, I think. I’d rather buy one myself because it turns out they’re pretty cheap if you buy them small. And among the many things I’ve been learning about trees lately is that it’s easier to transplant them into a small city tree pit and have them recover and start flourishing if they’re smaller. If a small cheap tree is *recommended*, I don’t see any reason to wait for the city to give me one. I found a list once before of what trees are suitable where; just need to find it again and read more carefully.

        None of this solves the real problem, which is that I’ve received a citation for my bad, broken up sidewalk! Which I would have replaced several years ago, only my neighbor refuses to replace his and the concrete contractors I’ve talked to won’t do mine without doing his because it would leave his a worse tripping hazard than before. I told him I got a citation (by text; he moved away and rents his place out) and he still doesn’t seem to care. It feels unneighborly but I think I may have to anonymously report him myself to get this dealt with. I’m sure whoever complained to the city about mine was not paying attention to how two of the sidewalk squares that are a problem cross the invisible line separating our connected townhouses.

    4. gsa*

      It’s probably too late and not necessarily your responsibility…

      That said, there is an oak tree toward the rear of our property that we pay to have pruned every couple of years. It has doubled in diameter over the last 17 years.

      Will the City prune it at your request to extend its life?

      Good luck.

  21. Morning reader*

    I would like to ask for recommendations to better understand “trans” and other gender identities. I hope there are some good basic resources that could help. I don’t (to my knowledge) know any trans people but I see it mentioned quite often online and I feel quite ignorant about it.
    For background, I have been a feminist since the early days of Ms. magazine. My understanding of gender is that it shouldn’t matter what gender you are… you should have the equal treatment under the law, the same economic opportunities, etc. (I realize this is not the reality but to me it would be the ideal.) I also realize that gender is a key component of people’s identity and that it is (most often) based on biology. The part I don’t really understand, is absent a biological situation e.g. intersexed or misgendered at birth, what makes someone want to switch genders? I see people identify themselves as non-binary or gender fluid and I just don’t have any idea what that means, other than they feel a certain way. But to me, feeling one way or another is not a function of gender. A man can be maternal, a woman can be a trash-talking jock, anyone of any gender should be able to do or feel anything in the range of human behavior and emotion without feeling that they are the wrong gender…. this is the way I understand the world. I often feel fairly androgynous myself and when I was a kid, I longed to be a boy… but I don’t think physically, I just wanted to be able to do things that boys could do. Grow up to be a baseball player or an astronaut or a cowboy. (All things that women could not do when I was a child.)
    So… I don’t want to be bigoted or make some horrible faux pas. I need to improve my knowledge on this stuff.

    The other aspect is that I am having trouble following the pronoun situation. I understand that individuals may have specific preferences for their own pronouns. But in general reading, I don’t know how I’m supposed to interpret some uses. Example, someone writes in… “my partner and I are blah blah blah, and they did blah blah.” Does this mean the partner is trans or non binary? Does it mean there is more than one partner? Or does it mean that the writer is trying to obscure the genders of the people in the story? I don’t understand this… it makes me stop and re-read for clarity and then wonder about the genders and numbers of people involved, and that makes me pay more attention to the gendering, not less. So if the intent is to obscure, it’s backfiring. If the intent is to indicate the partner is trans or non-binary, it’s also not working because (due to my lack of understanding) I’m not sure that is what is meant.

    Can anyone help me out on this? Is there a good primer on gender issues out there? (I could google but I’m reluctant to slog through the likely false hits and worse.) So I come here hoping for expert direction. Thanks!

    1. FD*

      As a cis-gender person coming from the perspective of “I don’t know much about this and don’t want to accidentally be a massive jerk,” I’ve found Contrapoints on YouTube really helpful. She is a trans woman and has done a lot of videos about gender, pronouns, and being transgender. (I believe some of her earlier content is pre-transition as well, but I personally haven’t watched that far back.)

      Some of the videos she’s done that I found particularly helpful:
      – “What is Gender?” (pretty much what it says on the tin)
      – “TERFs” (discussing why feminists that exclude trans women are wrong)
      – “Pronouns” (discussing what pronouns even are, why they matter to people, how they intersect with gender)
      – “Gender Critical” (discussing criticism that argues that trans women are reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes)

      I am sure there are lots of other great resources out there too!

      In regard to the pronouns, yeah, in spoken and written English there’s some ambiguity but there always has been. In the sentence you’ve written above, I would tend to interpret it as a singular partner who uses they/them pronouns due to the fact that “partner” is singular and the context suggests a specific person is being referenced.

      However, they is often used as a generalizing or iterating pronoun. For example, in the statement, “The teacher talked to each of the tardy students and told them that they needed to be on time.” In this case, the teacher is speaking to one student at a time, however the ‘they’ allows us to generalize and accept that the speaking is happening repeatedly. So it’s not particularly unusual.

      It’s also true that it’s not all that unusual for people to simply use singular they in conversation. For instance (example from another site) it isn’t that rare to hear something like, “My friend, Colleen, is moving?” “Oh, where are they moving to?” (Even if Colleen is known to use female pronouns.)

      So there is some ambiguity, but generally if someone has a partner, they’ll refer to the partner by gendered pronouns enough times to pick up what pronouns are proper to use, even if it’s ambiguous the first time they (see what I did there?) say it.

      2. Grand Mouse*

        This is probably too late, but jsyk contrapoints can be controversial to other trans people (I am nb). So check out mulitple sources

    2. Sara*

      Don’t have any specific research recommendations for you but I wanted to applaud you for wanting to understand. For gender, I have several friends who are trans and one friend who is non-binary. From what I’ve seen and heard from them, it really is a ‘feeling’, as you described. All had the medical/biological definitions of one gender but it never felt right; they saw themselves as the other. From my female-to-male friends, they hated to look in the mirror and see breasts, something clearly identifiable as female, when they knew in their hearts they are male. They all told me how they cried to remove the bandages after surgery to see a flat masculine chest they’ve always pictured.

      As someone who is CIS, I know I will never truly understand how they feel. It’s way more than waking up in the morning and trying to decide if you want to wear a dress or wear pants.

      1. The Kerosene Kid*

        I’m a trans guy who has socially transitioned (thank you, loving and supportive family and friends!) and this is very similar to my experience. It was always just a “feeling” I had, even before I knew I was different. My sister wanted the My Little Pony castle; I begged for He-Man’s Castle Grayskull. I sobbed on the rare occasion I was forced to wear a dress. Puberty threw me into a deep depression that was only lessened somewhat by sneaking out in my dad’s clothes. When I went off to college and my first roommate took me to get a short haircut and buy men’s cologne, I was on top of the world…and so on and so forth. I have done considerable work in gender studies in academia, and I desperately wish I could use objective and/or academic language to better explain my experience, but I find myself coming back to those nebulous “feelings”. I too celebrate all genders and gender expressions, even as I don’t understand all of them. I just knew from the get-go that I was Not A Girl. I cannot, it should be noted, speak for all trans people and DEFINITELY not for any non-binary or agender or intersex people. This is just my experience. I appreciate you following this line of inquiry, because it shows a genuine willingness to learn, and I wish EVERYONE had that quality. (Willing to answer any questions, btw, but please know I gently hurt my wrist in a move so I’m slowly hunting and pecking rn!)

        1. Poptart*

          Actually I find the “feelings” idea helpful! I think so often trans people use examples of “how I knew I was the other gender” that rely on stereotypes that trip up feminists and other people who think everything should be for everyone. Like your examples of MLP vs. He-Man, short haircut vs. long, men’s cologne vs. perfume. Second wave feminists and people who are learning (like myself) can get tripped up and think, “Wait, can’t girls like He-Man? Are you saying having short hair makes you a man?” etc. when actually what (I think) you’re saying is those outer things are some aspects that helped you FEEL like a man, reaffirming the feelings you already had. Anyone can pick and choose these gender-marked traits but when you feel like your gender was assigned wrong, I can definitely see why someone would pick more strongly from the box that makes them feel good.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Seconding that I would really appreciate a good explanation of gender fluid. Like Morning, I have found the explanations to be along the lines of dividing actions along a strict gender binary, iteration 137 of “girls can’t do math.”

    4. Penguin*

      Scarleteen.com is a pretty solid starting point. They cover all sorts of sex ed stuff, including gender. Also take a look at Glaad.org/transgender for more on how to help, be a good ally, etc. as well as learning.
      For a current scientific understanding of the complexities of the biological sex/gender spectrum (spoiler, it’s not actually a binary, despite what we learned in grade school) see: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/beyond-xx-and-xy-the-extraordinary-complexity-of-sex-determination/
      (There’s a delightful diagram!)

    5. LizB*

      So the thing that’s been most helpful to me is to separate out three different things which, to me as a cis* person, seem roughly the same:

      – sex, which is all the physical, biological stuff (chromosomes, hormones, genitalia)
      – gender identity, which is an internal, mental state
      – gender presentation, which is the things you wear and do

      For me, my sex, gender identity, and gender presentation can all be comfortably categorized as “woman.” I use she/her/hers pronouns, and any other pronouns feel weird to me, like they’re not representing who I am accurately. So for me, it’s natural to think of all three things as one and the same.

      But! For a number of people, these are not the same thing. For most trans people, the sex that they were assigned at birth (when the doctor looked at their body and said “Congrats, it’s a __!”) doesn’t fit with their gender identity; the body they have and the way they’re told to present to the world because of that body feel fundamentally wrong to them. For non-binary, gender fluid, agender, etc. people, their gender identity doesn’t fit into Option A or Option B, girl or boy; it might be something in between, it might shift day to day, and they may want to change something about their body or their gender presentation to better reflect their internal feelings.

      I think the hardest part to comprehend as a cis person is gender identity, because it is fundamentally intangible and impossible to really describe without resorting to gender stereotypes. Someone can say, “I know I am a woman,” and if we don’t just believe them, how are they supposed to describe what that feels like? It’s just… what they feel like. I also know that in earlier waves of feminist thought, the idea of an innate sense of gender identity was not a thing; the only things considered were sex and gender presentation, and any kind of internal identity was thought to come from societal stereotypes and imposed roles. So I know it’s hard to wrap your head around separating out identity from those factors, since those factors absolutely exist! But our understanding of what gender is has evolved, especially as more and more brave trans people have come forward to share their experiences.

      Maybe a useful thought experiment would be: if you woke up tomorrow magically with a different set of chromosomes and hormones and genitals, would you think to yourself, well, I guess I’m a man now! Or would something feel off to you? Do you think you’d still have an innate sense of yourself as a woman? And if that situation sounds weird and distressing… what if that had been happening every day since you gained consciousness?

      Kudos to you for coming in to this conversation looking to learn and be respectful, and I hope the responses you get are helpful!

      *terminology note: cis just means “not trans.” Those terms actually come from chemistry, and mean “on this side” and “on the other side”.

      1. Grace*

        I know my strongest moment of ‘I’m definitely a woman’ (or girl, at the time) as a cis female was when an art teacher told the girl drawing me that I had a “more masculine jaw” than what she had drawn. The sheer this-is-not-okay-ness of being described as ‘masculine’, the discomfort at knowing that a part of me apparently made people look at me and think That looks male. It was so uncomfortable, and really influenced how I saw myself after that. Oh, and did I mention that I was eleven years old?

        But the point is, that moment really is proof positive that I’m 100% cisgender. The idea of someone thinking I look masculine – not that I presented as masculine, which is all about choices you make on clothes and hair, but that my body looked inherently masculine – was such an uncomfortable concept that I still have problems with body confidence relating to that particular feature.

        I’m pretty damn feminine, skirts and nail polish and make-up and waist-length hair, but when I’ve related that story to women that have a more androgynous or butch presentation, they’ve agreed with me that it would make a preteen girl incredibly uncomfortable. A woman who wants to present in a more masculine way – short hair, no make-up, no skirts, preferring mens-fit clothes – is still reasonably likely to be uncomfortable if she’s told that she looks like a man, because she isn’t a man and doesn’t want to be seen as one.

        And that’s gender identity. You don’t know it until you see it.

        And if you’re someone who’s thinking But I wouldn’t mind being seen as a man/woman, I wouldn’t care that much, I don’t see why it’s such a big deal – look up a few things about ‘cis-by-default’. It’s the idea that some people have a strong sense of gender identity, and some people have a weak sense of gender identity. I have a strong gender identity, as evidenced by my reaction to someone contradicting my internal sense of self – so does a trans person with strong dysphoria. Other people have a weak gender identity. You’re fine being a woman because that’s what everyone sees you as and that’s what you live as, but you would have been equally as fine being seen as and treated as a man for the rest of your life. ‘By default’ in this case is ‘you don’t have a strong sense of what gender you should be, so you go along with what the doctors decided your sex is, because that’s the default’.

        1. LizB*

          Thanks for adding this aspect! I also have a strong sense of gender identity, so I often forget to bring this piece into it.

        2. Database Developer Dude*

          Gender identity, however, is but one component of overall identity, how we see ourselves. I’m a cisgender male, and if someone tells me that I have some aspect about me that looks feminine, it both does and does not bother me. The level on which it bothers me is that someone else is trying to impose their ideas on my identity.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        I had trouble empathizing because a common trans narrative is bothersomely similar to my CIS experience … AFAB doesn’t like dresses or make up or playing with dolls and likes sports and science and science fiction and other stereotypically male interest. Despite being one of the few women in my college computer science classes and in the military (greater percentage of women than in my computer science classes, though), I never questioned my gender. I never really felt like a woman or super feminine either, but I certainly never felt like a man.

        My friend has point out that since I am CIS there is no conflict between the gender I was assigned at birth and my gender identity. Since there’s no conflict there, my brain is silent about it. I chafe at stupid stereotypes at what girls and boys like and are good at and look like, but that’s because I identify as a woman who has a preference for “boy interest.” But trans people have that conflict between their internal gender identity and their assigned gender st birth and that conflict can be very loud in their heads.

        I’ll also say the narratives we hear most often in the present could also from a particularly extreme experience of gender dysmorphia. A college friend transitioned many years after college. We’re not close, but she’s said she happier and much more comfortable and herself as a woman, but she didn’t experience strong “I’m not a boy” feelings. Who knows? Maybe part of it is because while I was defying gender stereotypes studying comp sci and geeking out over science fiction, she had the same interests. And because she was presenting as male at the time, she was NOT defying stereotypes and seemed to fit.

        I think as a CIS person, I can’t really understand. But I do know on the rare occasions I’m misgendered, I am kind of amused but 100% know that this person got it wrong. I am a woman albeit one with a really short, really queer haircut.

        1. Grand Mouse*

          Btw there is no need to capitalize cis, it just means the opposite of trans (and used in other contexts like chemistry)

    6. Nicki Name*

      Another good one is The Genderbread Person (genderbread.org).

      On behalf of my trans and enby friends, thank you for trying to improve your understanding.

    7. Bye Academia*

      Other people have given you some great preliminary info an resources. I just wanted to add something in response to this:

      “The part I don’t really understand, is absent a biological situation e.g. intersexed or misgendered at birth, what makes someone want to switch genders?”

      A lot of recent research has shown that biology is more complicated than chromosomes and physical characteristics. For example, studies on the brains of transgender people shows that they look more like the gender they identify with than the gender that was assigned to them. So a trans woman’s brain will look more like a female brain on a brain scan despite her chromosomes being XY. The reasons for this aren’t totally understood yet. But maybe this can help you understand where it’s coming from. Gender identity is often backed physiologically even if it’s not the way we were all taught in biology courses, and is separate from gender presentation and activities. A trans woman can do “what boys do” like be a baseball player or astronaut or cowboy, and still be a woman. Just like you!

      1. Ethyl*

        To piggyback off this — it would be really useful for Morning Reader to try to stop using terms like “switch gender,” “sex change operation,” and the like. A trans woman who has not had surgery or undergone hormone treatment is still a woman, period. Any medical interventions aren’t helping her “switch” genders, they are helping her body to line up with what her mind knows to be true.

        1. curly sue*

          The term I’ve heard more recently is “gender confirmation surgery,” which seems to fit the bill there.

      2. LizB*

        To add to this excellent point, science shows that chromosomes, physical characteristics, and hormones really do exist along a spectrum rather than in two distinct options. I’ll link a really excellent twitter thread in a reply, it’ll appear once it comes through moderation.

        The upshot is, if you gather a bunch of data on any of what we’d think of as biological determinants of sex, you’ll end up with a bimodal distribution — like a bell curve but with two peaks instead of one. Historically, we’ve grouped everyone who mostly measures like one of the peaks of the curve as Female and everyone who measures like the other as Male, and then just kind of pretended that instead of a continuous curve there were two separate boxes without any overlap or edge cases, everyone has to be one or the other. Turns out, that model kinda works for making some broad generalizations… but it doesn’t describe the whole situation, and as we’ve gotten better with analyzing data and doing science we can understand sex in a much more accurate way by acknowledging the reality of how factors are distributed.

          1. The Kerosene Kid*

            LizB, I have only recently delurked here, but I’m really diggin’ your style.

            1. LizB*

              Why thank you! What a nice thing to say, that kind of made my day. :) I’m an on-and-off commenter, mostly active on the weekends — I read all the work-week posts, just usually someone’s akready said what I wanted to say better than I planned to.

    8. Ange*

      There’s the gender Wiki https://gender.wikia.org/wiki/Gender_Wiki for a general overview.

      Re: your point about switching genders, I think you’re missing the point. The gender you’re assigned at birth is not necessarily the gender that you are, since your assigned gender at birth is based (primarily) on what genitals you have. (I’m trans non-binary, but assigned female at birth.) Think of it as being similar to sexuality: people tend to assume heterosexuality, but if you are in fact lesbian or gay or queer or bi and you come out, you’re not switching your sexuality, you’re just making other people aware of it. Your sexuality hasn’t necessarily changed, just people’s awareness of it. [Obviously this analogy isn’t perfect, and some people do switch their gender/sexuality.] There’s no one “correct” way to be trans/non-binary, it’s very individual: many trans/non-binary people use gendered pronouns/don’t physically transition.

    9. Melody Pond*

      Lots of people have commented with helpful ideas and links/resources, and they’ve been way more eloquent than I could be. I just wanted to ask you to examine one particular thing you said, and I want to challenge your assumption:

      My understanding of gender is that it shouldn’t matter what gender you are… you should have the equal treatment under the law, the same economic opportunities, etc. (I realize this is not the reality but to me it would be the ideal.) I also realize that gender is a key component of people’s identity and that it is (most often) based on biology.

      I think the bolded piece could be why you’re having trouble understanding how others talk about gender. I believe the people you’re trying to better understand, would generally disagree with you on that point – gender is unequivocally not based on biology. Not even on a “most often” basis.

      Have you taken statistics by any chance? Or have you ever heard the phrase “correlation does not imply causation”? We could say, perhaps, that this is true:
      – Some majority percentage (exact number unknown) of people in the United States may happen to have a gender identity that is aligned with their biological sex organs they were born with.

      But that does NOT mean we can conclude:
      – A person’s gender identity is usually based on, or caused by, their biological sex.

      The latter statement does not automatically follow from the former. And I think that may be a big part of the disconnect between your thinking and the thinking of those people you’re seeking to better understand. Gender identity is absolutely NOT based on (caused by) biology, not even most of the time.

      1. Poptart*

        Correct me if I’m wrong, but based on some research into the brain (as Bye Academia also shared above), it seems there is some link or correlation between gender identity and biology, as in the biological makeup of the human body. But as you say it doesn’t necessarily align with biological sex and organs.

        I think the definition of “biology” is important to define here because gender identity is not just “made up” by someone like favorite color, right? I worry that people could misunderstand and take gender identity less seriously, or get confused as more studies on gender and the brain come out.

    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      [NB: I’m not trans, so if this doesn’t match what you’re hearing from trans people, assume they’re correct, not me.]

      With regard to pronouns: I suspect part of what you’re finding difficult is that people are using singular they for more than one reason: one person might be trying to obscure gender, a second might be using it because the person they’re referring to is nonbinary , and a third might be using it to say “this applies to people of any gender” or “this includes people of more than one gender.”

      “They” seldom if ever means “binary trans person” because trans women are women, trans men are men, and they mostly use the same she/her or he/him pronouns as cis women and men do.

      If you’re interacting with someone and it matters, you can ask “is this someone whose pronoun is ‘they,’ or are you talking about more than one person?” Other times, there might be some ambiguity, the same way that “you” in English means “the person or people I’m talking to or about,” and to be more specific you need to add details–you’d say something like “Are you free for lunch on Tuesday? I’d like a chance to sit down and talk, just the two of us” or your friend might say “lunch sounds good, is this just me or can I bring Jane and Fergus?”

      If you’re not sure, follow the other person’s lead: if Lucinda says “my partner…they” you can ask “what’s their name?” or “so, did they do the laundry?” If at some point Lucinda or their partner want to clarify, they can.

      If I want to refer to more than one partner, yes I’ll say “they,” but I’ll also say “my partners” [plural noun] or use their names. But that’s a choice to make clear that I have more than one partner; if I was trying to obscure that, I’d probably just mention one name or say something like “my girlfriend” and let the other person assume we were monogamous.

    11. Mindovermoneychick*

      Check out the book “what you can change and what you can’t.” By Martin Seilgman. He’s a prominent psychologist but this is one of his more obscure books. Anyway he talks about the way different aspects of ourselves encode neurologically in the brain and how that makes it amenable or not to change. Trans stuff is firmly in the “no change” zone. But was really interesting to me was his explanations gave me a framework for understanding how that would feel and why it would be so fundamental.

      Disclaimer he’s a cis het guy who wrote this in the 90s. Seems like he was ahead of his time but I’d be curious if any trans people have read it and if it holds up to current thinking.

    13. Bullfrog*

      With respect to the use of ‘partner’ – these days it generally is along the same lines as spouse or significant other. Its a gender neutral term for a romantic relationship with a certain level of commitment.

      My (male) partner and I have been together for going on 11 years and are not married. Boyfriend/girlfriend seems no longer appropriate. As a bisexual women, I prefer it because I feel like it de-emphasizes the significance of my partner’s gender. Other folks use it because ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ can come with a lot of baggage and stereotypes. Using partner says more ‘We get to define what our relationship and are roles in this relationship are.’ It also makes space in the general cultural conversation for folks who have non-traditional relationships in some way, whether that’s because their SO is trans or they are polyamorous.

      So the intent is more to de-emphasize the significance of gender in any given conversation. If husband or wife is specified, I think we often start to build an image of the husband/wife based on stereotypes. I would say the intent isn’t usually to indicate that the partner is trans or non-binary, but its a more inclusive term that fits more kinds of relationships better, including ones where the partner may be trans or non-binary.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        You beat me to this; as a woman who is not trans or non-binary, it’s really the only thing I can speak to. Partner or significant other (SO for short) just describes a person you’re in a relationship with, however that relationship looks. And yes, it is far more inclusive.

        Some adults feel silly saying boyfriend or girlfriend. It feels very high-school.

    14. AnonGQ*

      I would describe myself as gender queer, and I think that I have a good understanding of what that means but I wouldn’t say that everyone who identifies with the same words would feel the same as me (different cultures may view the term differently).

      Non-binary is typically (at least in my part of the world) someone who appears androgynous, so either no/minimal gendered aspects to their clothing and bodies, or lots of both, or somewhere along the spectrum. My non-binary friends don’t view themselves as the gender they were born with, and they don’t have a unique connection to the other gender (someone born female has short hair and wears something to cover their breasts yet doesn’t want to add male body genitalia).

      I don’t mind the gender-specific parts of my body (I don’t really like them, so if I could wish them away then I would, but I don’t care enough to have surgery or anything else), so I’m not non-binary. Yet I have a lot of problems with how society feels that I should act based on my gender (the tom-boy little girl is a good stereotype of this, because a lot of society has a problem when that little girl grows into an adult and hasn’t yet conformed to gendered expectations). I have friends who are non-binary and am surrounded by a community that is supportive of whatever way I wish to express myself, so I am lucky to feel mostly comfortable with myself. I know that at work there are gender biases, so I actively work to have my gender not highlighted: I ask to remove ‘Mr’ or ‘Ms’ on all documents, and my performance evaluation is written as ‘they’ in part because I know studies have shown that gender affects how others perceive my performance and in part because I want to make a more general point about how that bias applies to everyone so this is a systemic problem. I worked in Europe, in a somewhat conservative country, and I found that I was quite frustrated and unhappy with how I was treated, based on my gender. My gender ‘queerness’ was really obvious to me, based on that circumstance. I do not mind my body, but I hate and fight against stereotypes and expectations.

    15. Morning reader*

      Thank you all for the excellent replies. I am going to spend some time today looking at these links. In the meantime, Carolyn Hax’s first letter today is a great example of the pronoun confusion I mentioned.

    16. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      I had many of the same questions and really appreciate the honest, thoughtful responses.
      Thanks also to Alison for drawing together this crowd.

  22. Lazy Cat*

    Warning for pregnancy problems/reference to child death.

    My husband and I are in the early stages of deciding if we want to have a kid, and part of that needs to be asking my mom about her medical history. She and my dad suffered a late term miscarriage, a stillbirth, and a child who died after a few days. She was on bed rest for months with me.

    All that is to say that the medical history is not optional, and might impact our decision one way or the other – but we never talk about this. (I know because she told me once, bare bones, when I was a teenager.)

    I have *no* idea how to phrase this email (we live across the country, and I don’t want to put her on the spot, or forget the details). Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    1. Anona*

      Before you do that, I’d ask your obgyn to make sure that’s really relevant. If it is, proceed. Ours had a genetic counselor, and there was some history they cared about, some that they didn’t. It sounds like you already know at least the basics. Your doctor can advise what else they need to know, if anything.

      1. valentine*

        I would let her be, and not ask relatives, lest she feel hunted. If she wanted to tell you about it, she would.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You could ask general questions and this would allow her to chose whether or not to discuss her own experiences.
      “Mom, we are considering having a child, but we’re not sure yet. So I got to wondering how do women in our family do with having babies? In general, what things come up over and over in our family?”

      She may or may not talk about what happened to her. She might decide to tell you about her mother or her sis or her aunt. Sometimes these general conversations open the door and more detailed conversation comes in a while.

      1. Observer*

        That’s a totally not useful question. Obviously you don’t want to push for stuff that Mom has a hard time talking about, but this is so general that you’re far more likely to get utterly irrelevant information.

        Anona has a really good point – check with the doctor about what is really relevant and ask about that.

    3. Morning reader*

      Is this something your own doctor says you need to know? A friend of mine who is a doctor told me that for most things, family medical history is not a huge deal in determining risk and that it’s importance is often inflated in the minds of non medical people. So I would check on that to start. An option would be to have your doctor contact her doctor, or get a written statement from your doctor you could forward to her. It doesn’t have to be specific to childbirth. Just “my gyn would like to have more detail on my family medical history and it would be helpful if you could share more detail.” You could mention cancer risks, ask what all your dead relatives died of and at what age, ask about age of menarche and menopause (if she has been through that yet.)
      I would be very careful about saying it is part of your decision process, even if it is, especially if she is emotionally invested in you having her grandkids. She put all that effort into having you. If you tell her that her fertility difficulties are why you decided not to have kids… as a potential grandmother myself, I can speculate that that could cause some sadness. (I hope my daughter will have kids some day, but I also hope that if she doesn’t, she gives full credit to global warming, not my medical history.)

      1. Lazy Cat*

        I would never in a million years tell her if that was part of the decision – and global warming would be most of it!

    4. Kittens Kittens Kittens*

      I’m sorry, I don’t understand why that’s essential. I don’t have biological parents in my life to ask and I don’t get it.

      1. Sara*

        Depending on what they might be worried about, it would be important to know from biological parents if there are potential genetic issues that could be passed down to the baby or would complicate getting a pregnancy to full-term.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          The thing to remember is that there is a good chance the OP’s mom won’t have any useful information. Even now, a lot of the time the doctors don’t know why a couple has trouble conceiving, and early term miscarriages are really common. And 30 years ago or so, they knew a lot less. And even if you know what the reason is, it’s not necessarily something that is going to change their plans – ie, something that can be preemptively treated, or something that’s serious enough to change their minds about trying (or go immediately to IVF with genetic screening of embryos).

          What I’d recommend is first talking to an obstetrician about what medical history would be useful, then if they still need to talk, be straight forward – “We’re planning to have kids, and I remember that you had difficulty with pregnancy. Did you ever find out why?” (Oh, and as the partner’s family for the history as well – fertility issues can come from the father too!).

          In general, having a detailed medical history is not as vital as people think. Most of the information is about a higher than normal risk of things that are very common (high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes) and doctors are watching for anyways. It is important for rare genetic conditions with strong inheritance – if you’ve got Huntingdon’s disease in you genetic tree, you’d want to know that when deciding whether to have kids at all – but these are, by definition, rare.

          1. Enough*

            My 2 sisters and I all have different experience with periods and pregnancy and childbirth. As in regular at 4 weeks, regular at 6 weeks, irregular. 2 of us got pregnant easily, 1 needed some minor medical assist. 1 had painful Braxtin-Hicks for 1 month and a half, 1 had minor contractions (felt like the baby was doing pushups). 2 had miscarriages. Various levels of “morning” sickness. One sister couldn’t even smell food without wanting to throw up and was on intravenous meds at least once (had 6 children). I had stomach pains for 2 of 3 pregnancies with the first being the worst but similar to something I had in college and was tested for an ulcer. Deliveries for all sisters and each pregnancy were different. From 24 hours to 2 1/2 hours. No cesareans thankfully but forceps for 1 of mine. So even your own history with a pregnancy might have no relevance to the next.
            And a just heard of one family that as not had a baby delivered that would be considered normally for at least 3 generations. And this includes the women who married into the family.

      2. Lazy Cat*

        At least partially because I am prone to getting very worried about medical things (and stew about them rather than actually ask the doctor – I’m finally getting that anxiety under control), and need to be able to tell myself that I’ve asked my doctor all the important questions about anything that might go wrong.

        It’s the knowing-but-not-knowing that gets to me. I spent 10+ years completely believing that I would never be able to have kids because of it.

        1. Observer*

          But the solution to that is not to ask your mother for information because odds are that you are not going to get anything useful anyway.

          You need to get some solid information from your doctor. And you need to get your anxiety under control. Seriously, because no matter what your mother winds up telling you, you will still have lots and lots of unknows, things you can’t plan for and things that are scary and that you need to ask the doctor about rather than stewing. And it gets worse once you get pregnant and have kids.

    5. Book Lover*

      Huh. I kind of agree with the above – talk to your doctor first. It doesn’t sound like a typical history for a coagulation disorder or a chromosomal translocation. You could get a referral to a genetic counselor also.

    6. Acornia*

      Just a “hey, gathering up some medical history and have a few questions…” can work. Maybe even make a list of 3-5 questions and add this to it.
      Uncle Bobby had diabetes, do you know if it was a childhood thing or a later in life thing?
      What kind of cancer did Grandma Lucy have again?
      I know you had some pregnancy losses, did they ever find a reason for that?
      Do you know of any food or medicine allergies in the family?
      Anything else I should know?

    7. Lazy Cat*

      I should have mentioned in the original post that my OBGYN did recommend getting more medical history – but I think going back to see if there’s *specific* information I should be asking about is a good idea.

      1. CoveredInBees*

        I am not an expert, but I have had to learn a lot when dealing with my own infertility (despite being a 3rd generation surprise baby) and pregnancy losses. As people have mentioned, reproductive technology has changed a lot over the past 30 years. The late term miscarriage and still birth could come from a number of things that are handled better today, such as cervical incompetence or pre-eclampsia. A lot of things that cause perinatal death are genetic and can be screened for with your partner pre-conception or for non-hereditary issues are screened for during blood tests and ultrasounds in your second trimester.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Did your OBGYN talk to you about genetic testing? I’m not a doctor but I would think that testing both you and your partner would be more helpful and reassuring then getting your mom’s medical history (though I think you should talk to your mom as well).

    8. Observer*

      One thing to keep in mind is that the kind of thing you describe is at least as likely to be due to non-genetic factors as genetic factors.

      Your mother’s history sounds like my mother and aunt – and it turns out that none of it has been at all relevant to the next generation. And I’ve learned that we’re totally not uncommon.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      I think, as part of your internal process, it would be good to consider how to proceed if your mom:

      a) refuses to discuss it,

      b) doesn’t know anything, and no longer has access to her medical records from before your birth, and/or

      c) tells you inaccurate or unreliable information, due to her own emotional baggage or lack of understanding.

      I have played a detective game for all sorts of medical issues in my family, but unfortunately the effects of rampant, untreated anxiety, depression, and possibly some more serious mental illnesses means that it’s like pulling teeth to get anything, and what I have gotten is probably 80 – 90 percent unreliable.

      I hope you get what you need to have peace of mind about your decisions. Even if that winds up being a big dose of, “Aw screw it, we might as well do what we want.”

  23. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I love our new home, but apparently our move is having a negative impact on my health! Yesterday, after experiencing vision problems for a few weeks, I finally went to the eye doctor. I was pissed because I assumed I needed a new contact lens prescription and I just got a new one in April. Turns out my contacts are probably fine… and that my eyes are so inflamed by allergies that my vision is suffering. So it’s drops and glasses for a week. I didn’t even know it was possible for allergies to do this, but apparently my corneas are swollen and more misshapen than usual. The doc thinks it will clear up with some medication adjustments, but it’s all due to a new environment and a more active, outdoor lifestyle.

    This isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it stinks. I never wear my glasses except right before bed, so there’s a lot to get used to. I didn’t get new lenses with my new prescription because they’re a fortune (I am very nearsighted and have pretty bad corneal astigmatism), so I keep squinting, which is terrible.

    At least I don’t have to drive. Ugh.

      1. Katefish*

        Also, while they’re a massive hassle, allergy shots can help if your doctor thinks that’s warranted….

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Sorry you’re dealing with this!
      Odd thought: has your new home been deep-cleaned? Is it harboring allergens? Are there new plants and trees around the place that you might be allergic to?
      Hope it clears up soon!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Oh, it’s the city, not the apartment, that’s a definite. We moved from a medium-sized southern city with a car culture to Washington, DC. When I lived here 20 years ago, I developed seasonal allergies. It’s just all flooding back, especially since I now walk outside much, much more than I used to, and the greenery is much more varied.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If it’s forced air, get the ducts cleaned anyway–that can have a significant reduction in exposure inside. My sister”s asthma sent her to the ER two or three times in a year… an ER nurse suggested duct cleaning and she went back to a level controllable with her inhaler. The HVAC guy said it looked like every pet in the home”s history was represented, and layers of pollen.

          1. Anono-me*

            Deep cleaning the ductwork, carpet, curtains and replacing some landscaping helped me with allergies that seemed to worsen after a move.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I’m having posting problems… can’t think of a phrase that might have sent it to moderation though so I’ll add a tl;dr here — ducts are worth cleaning if you have them because they can increase your exposure otherwise.

        3. Ann*

          Random comment, but as someone living in the greater DC area, end of July and early August are the worst time for my seasonal allergies. Go figure!

  24. Beach Bum*

    I’m traveling to a foreign country with a large group of friends for two full weeks. The country we’re going to is known for being a cash-based society, that it’s less common to find businesses (other than big chain places) that accept cards, and ATMs that accept American cards are even harder to find. Despite sharing all this with the group, one friend is only bringing $250 in foreign cash for a two week trip where all the rest of us are taking between $750 and $1,000. This friend says she’ll take out more cash from ATMs when we get there but I doubt it will be as easy as she thinks. One travel blog I read, the writer ran out of cash on the last day and couldn’t find an ATM so had to rely on her friends for help, I’m worried about that happening to my friend but much sooner on this long trip.

    1. Public Librarian*

      I have a friend who I travel with who is just like this.? I know that it is enabling but I accept it as a quirk and always bring a couple hundred extra to loan to her . She always sends me a check when she gets home.

      1. Dan*

        OP’s friend is assuming that she can get cash at an ATM upon arrival, which on average is reasonable. Does your friend not have an ATM card, or do you travel to off-the-beaten-path places?

        1. Public Librarian*

          We have traveled places not accessible to ATMs but assumes she will have access. I enjoy her company and accept this is a quirk. This happens even when we are local.

    2. Stitch*

      I understand their perspective, though a thousand is a LOT of cash. Carrying that much cash would make me very nervous.

      1. Dan*

        I’d only carry that much cash if I’m heading deep into rural parts of a 3rd world country where ATMs would be hours away, and I knew I wouldn’t have access to an ATM for a couple of weeks.

    3. Weegie*

      Travellers cheques are still A Thing – assuming the place you’re visiting has a bank or two, or hotels that will cash them, maybe your friend could be persuaded to take them?

      1. TechWorker*

        Or if the problem is that atms exist but don’t take US cards you can also get preloaded currency cards (modern equivalent of travellers cheque) – idk where you’re going so may not apply! But is in general another option.

    4. Dan*

      I don’t know what country you are going to or how you are getting there, so without that information, it’s hard to give you good advice.

      That said… I’ve been to 30 countries on 6 continents, and your friend’s plan sounds fine to me. “ATM when I get there” is always my plan and it pretty much works without fail. My Debit/ATM card has a “VISA” logo on it, and it works in any ATM in the world with a VISA logo on the ATM.

      There are countries where the ATMs are harder to find, but that’s different than “non existent.” International airports are all but guaranteed to have ATMs on premises. If you’re entering at a land crossing, then it may be harder to find an ATM.

      So… 99 times out of a 100, your friend’s plan is fine. However, if this is the 1/100 time, then your friend’s plan is not so fine. What country are you going to, and how are you getting there? That matters.

    5. misspiggy*

      Your friend needs to understand that ATMs in cash based places frequently don’t work. And that carrying cash shouldn’t be a problem if you stay in secure hotels, understand the dynamics of where you are, and avoid/are very careful on public transport.

    6. big X*

      Without any more information of the country & it’s prices (i.e., avg cost of transport or a meal) or if the accommodations are prepaid & this is just spending money or how much the blog writer you referenced brought with her & what she did so we can accurately say 250 is too little or what you all are even doing (backpacking? beach trip? travelling through the country?), there is not much to go on or to say you are right or wrong about the amount you are bringing. Some people can make it on more and some on less, anywhere.

      I’d voice your concern to this other friend, including that an ATM isn’t going to be readily accessible (however, I agree with Dan – not sure where you are going, but if there is a bank, a working ATM will surely be around) & based on your research and that the average traveler to this country brings 750-1000.

    7. Observer*

      Is she planning to get cash when you guys get to County or when she runs out? Because if it’s the former, she’s right. International air ports tend to have ATMs that take international cards, even if these machine are not comon elsewhere.

    8. Poptart*

      Not sure where you’re going, but I live in Japan which is well-known for being a cash society. Many larger stores take credit cards nowadays but smaller restaurants, shrines, etc. will definitely be cash and $250 is not enough for 2 weeks. Recently 7-11 ATMs allow you to withdraw money from foreign banks but I’m not sure how it works, what banks are compatible, or where else she can do this, especially if you’re going somewhere rural, or Okinawa where there aren’t any 7-11s. Travelers cheques are one possibility but I’m not sure how you’d cash it at a bank without an account, especially when you’re traveling it can be tough to get to a local bank between M-F 9am-3pm (some are open till 5). Debit cards are not as common and if you don’t have Visa (or maybe MasterCard) don’t bother, I would not expect to be able to use American Express or similar in most places.

      I regularly carry $300 in cash and it’s perfectly safe, and I will use it because it’s so much more convenient than a credit card. If you are going to major cities like Tokyo and Kyoto, if it’s a place where you could easily spend over $100 then often they take credit. If you’re going anywhere outside of major cities, or to the local fun spots you’ll want to go to as tourists, they likely won’t take credit cards and workarounds will be cumbersome. I would highly recommend your friend take more cash and leave the credit card for emergencies.

  25. Advice for bed buying please*

    It is true. We need a new bed. The ten year old latex mattress is shot. Prior to that we had a water bed that I loved and the husband tolerated for over twenty years. He has fallen in in love with the sleep number bed (or the sleep number sales person) I find them noisy and uncomfortable, I am the princess and the pea in this scenario. I have chronic joint pain. He has back issues.
    Recommendations?Warnings? Been all over the internet and it seems that many review sites are in the pockets of the mattress companies. Ready to spend a lot but not 10,000 dollars.

    1. FD*

      My parents had a sleep number bed for years, one of the air-powered ones and I was not impressed. (Because I had younger siblings, if they were out of town, I usually slept in their bed until they got home.) It always seemed to sag in the middle, and I don’t think my dad ever liked it.

      They seem much happier with their new innerspring matters + a massive memory foam pad over top of it.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      We have a tuft and needle. Delivered to the door, and you can try it for 100 days. If you don’t like it they will give a full refund and pick it up. Friends have a Leesa that they love and another had a Purple she likes (all online).

    3. jDC*

      Oh heck yes to sleep number. We can’t wait to get one. My husband would sleep on the dang concrete I’m pretty sure and I need a magical cloud from heaven. We are so opposites that the sleep number will be heaven. An ex had one so I slept on it for about a year already. Also since husband is a snorer I can’t wait to have a button to tide him a bit to stop it. (And yes just had a sleep study done and is fine).

    4. Madge*

      Is it the sleep number beds that have mold issues? That’s what I’m remembering. Check it out. We couldn’t decide and got the firmest mattress that IKEA carries that came rolled-up. We’re very happy with it.

    6. Policy wonk*

      I have a sleep number bed and love it. Only makes noise when adjusting and that is rare. Spouse likes a soft mattress, I like firm, so for us it’s a necessity. We had our first one for 16 years (bought before they wrre called sleep number!) And replaced it a year ago with a new one. No problems with either one.

    7. MMB*

      I have a bad back and hips along with arthritis. We spent a year looking for something that would work. We finally settled on a Beautyrest Grantbury Plush with an adjustable base and a 3″ memory foam topper for extra hip cushioning.

    8. Seven of Nine*

      I have an Alexander Signature Hybrid by Nest Bedding and love it. (Shout out to their Easy Breather pillow, too – totally worth the $$!) Nest is online but has showrooms and a 100-day satisfaction guarantee.

      For review sites, I relied on Sleep Like the Dead (great 1-10 ratings, info on specific sleep issues, etc — helped me determine I didn’t want memory foam) and Mattress Clarity (videos of them sitting on the mattresses helped me choose between hybrid options).

      If you do buy online (way less mark up!), look at how their return policies work. If you’re responsible to get rid of the mattress yourself, that’s not as good as the places that will recycle or donate it for you.

    10. fposte*

      The mattress industry is kind of a racket (I’ve heard recommendations for the Adam Ruins Everything on the topic). Then throw in that mattresses can be a very personal taste based on sleep habit and physical variables. Memory foam sucks for me and I love latex, for instance, so most of the bed-in-a-box stuff is no good for me.

      A few possibilities to consider aside from just brand recommendations: you could get two XL twin beds, which together make a king, and each of you get the mattress that suits; you could get something fairly generic as a mattress and get different toppers for each of you; you could go to a mattress factory and have them tailor his side for him and your side for you.

      If you haven’t tried a mattress factory, I’d recommend at least trying them for a shopping experience to get a better idea of your mattress comfort needs; make at least half a day of it, bring books or devices, bring your own pillow, plan to hang out on each surface for 15-20 minutes. Beds from them would be cheaper than department stores but likely quite a bit more than the bed-in-the-box mattresses; I’m still pretty pleased with mine despite the price, though.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        The twin Kings is what my parents ended up doing, due to different aches/pains/chronic body problems. So dad can have what he needs for his back and thrash around and get up at 3.30 am to start his day while mom has her mattress for her hips and can wake up at a more humane hour of 7 or so.

        Both are hard core memory foam and super comfortable, and I’m pretty sure they may have got them at Costco.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This is a great idea, and the trend now is platform beds that don’t need a box spring.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Mom&Dad had dual twins because of a 1929 staircase. The unexpected side benefit came when Dad got so sick. Mom was able to separate the beds to make sure he could sleep as long as possible and the home health aid could reach him easily.

    11. Wishing You Well*

      Separate beds and even separate bedrooms can save a relationship and your health. Or 2 different twin beds in the same room. Heck, some older relatives sleep in their recliners in the living room, so whatever works!

      1. Advice for bed buying please*

        thank you so much. And the winner may be a hybrid. Coils and foam. And separate bedrooms! We shall see. Meanwhile, am totally enjoying the mattress underground site as it seems they do not have a bias.

    13. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I ended up being really happy sleeping on a futon, of all things. This was supposed to be a temporary “better than sleeping on an air mattress” plan while moving, but I’m now seriously considering sticking with it long term even when I have my act together enough that I could go buy a new mattress for my “real” bedroom set. I bought a cheap wooden futon frame (the metal frame ones are terrible and will break if enough people sit on them regularly) as a guest bed situation about a decade ago and it’s been much better than I expected.

    14. foolofgrace*

      I love my Tempur-Pedic. You can’t adjust the firmness (just raising or lowering the head / foot portions of the mattress) but the composition of the mattress makes it very very comfortable. Try one out in the stores.

  26. Rebecca*

    Mom update and other stuff, can’t believe it’s August already!

    The big over the elbow heavy cast came off on Thursday, replaced by a much smaller and lighter fiberglass cast. Of course, there was drama there. Both Mom and I told the ortho doctor’s office that they cannot call and leave voice mail messages the day before an appointment, changing the time! And they did. I arranged transportation for Mom because I can’t take off a half day of work every time she has an appointment, and found out Thursday evening they left a voice mail on the house phone Wednesday around 3 PM that they moved the appointment up an hour for the next afternoon. Of course, she was late, and I called them on Friday and wasn’t nice. I told them look, when you have elderly patients that can’t drive, with one child as the only relative to help, and transportation arrangements have to be made to get said patient from one county to another for an appointment, you cannot just leave a message! This is the 3rd time they’ve done this, one was a 6 HOUR MOVEUP!! I am endlessly frustrated with these people. I asked them to put my cell number in their system for Mom’s house phone# so hopefully this will end.

    Mom is still unhappy with the food at the facility, so I’m going on a grocery run this AM to get things for her. PT is going to start in earnest this coming week so hopefully she can get up and walk, go to the bathroom by herself eventually, etc. so she can come home. I’m hopeful but being realistic that she may always need some sort of supervision. I’m keeping track of her finances, bills, mail, etc., have my own stuff herded, and working on my church’s books (I’m their treasurer) and now may become the parish treasurer for a while, but I said I’m going to need some help. Honestly at least it gives me something else to think about. And when I visit, I stay for 30 minutes or so, listen to her complain, nod my head, ask her where she wants to be moved to, “I guess I’ll stay here” and then I leave. It’s all I can do.

    And if Mom does come home – we will need to make some changes. Her bed is insanely high – I am 6 inches taller than her, and when I sit on it, my feet are nowhere near the floor. She admitted needing to use both arms to pull herself into it! I think I’m going to take the mattress and box springs off, get rid of the bed frame, and just sit it on the floor until we figure out what to do. I need to measure the bed at the home, she seems to do well with it, so maybe if I can get her stuff at the same height, that would work. Luckily the bathroom is adjacent to her bedroom, so at least if she can get up and go by herself, that will be a bonus. The meds for her bladder are helping some, but she still urinates frequently, like 3x per night or more, depending. Then we have the steps to the basement where the deep freeze, washer and dryer reside. I’ll have to keep doing what I’m doing, and if she’s up on the first floor with bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room, TV, that’s where she’ll have to be.

    I got up a little early today, already dressed, had breakfast, 2nd load of laundry in, going to town for grocery run shortly. I realized today would have been my 34th wedding anniversary. It’s so hard to believe. The only thing I’m sad about is the years of wasted time. I had no business getting married at 22 years old, that’s for sure. At least now, when I think back, there’s just a vague notion of unpleasantness and some fuzzy memories, mostly of my pets, things like that, and I feel like, eh, here we are now. None of us knows what the future will bring, but I can tell you all with certainty that it will NOT be anything like the past in my case.

    My neighbor suggested a walk today, we’ll go on hard surface roads rather than hike, it’s murky and threatening to thunderstorm later, so I’m going to drop off Mom’s stuff, visit for a few minutes, and go outside for the afternoon, or at least until it rains! Looking forward to that so much.

    1. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Ooh Rebecca, I would be curious!! I get that they are probably trying to fill holes in their schedule, but they should only do that if they can confirm with the patient! Please let your referring doctor know this (and maybe even your local aging office) and DEFINITELY tell the Ortho doc about it. Sometimes the front office does things the doc doesn’t know about or condone. Anyway, sounds like a bit less drama from Mom, and I hope you get out for quite a while today! As always, take care of yourself!

        1. Rebecca*

          A specialist’s office that has no common sense!! We are 25 miles away, transportation concerns, etc. I am not happy about this at all.

          1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

            As I learned at OldJob in healthcare, you have to be really assertive about getting your cell number listed as the main contact number in the medical records system. Maybe even “forget” that she has a landline and get your cell as the only number. Best wishes.

          2. Observer*

            Agree with getting your cell number as the main contact number. It helps to deal with the obtuseness.

    2. fposte*

      You are getting so much done, and I’m glad that you’re focusing on making yourself a future as well.

      A bed thought, though–a mattress too low is also a risk factor for the elderly, because it’s hard for them to get up safely and their fall risk is elevated as a result. Is there any way just to shorten the legs on her bed or swap her mattress and box springs over to a reasonable height metal bed frame? You can get those on Amazon for like $35.

      1. Rebecca*

        I’m thinking about a short metal bed frame. And I’m going to measure the bed at the personal care home to see exactly how high it is, because Mom seems to like that height. As far as another mattress, no. She cannot make a decision, I can’t choose it for her, so we have to work with what we have. There is locally owned furniture store chain that has a satellite location nearby, and I’m going there for a metal bed frame if necessary.

        1. fposte*

          No, no, I was totally not sending you into the maw of mattress buying! I meant just move the existing stuff over to the new, relatively inexpensive metal frame.

          1. fposte*

            Sorry, I freaked out slightly there, because I was so horrified that you had thought I was trying to make you go mattress shopping.

          2. Rebecca*

            Oh fposte, I totally misread that!! And it sent my brain into “I’d rather stab myself with a rusty fork than go shopping for ANYTHING with my mother” mode :) :) Mom might have to get used to the fact that the heavy hard wood bed frame might no longer be an option.

    3. Perstephanie*

      Or could you get a low-rise box spring? I have one, and it saves me about 4 inches of height.

      I’ve been reading your updates with a sense of urgency, as my mother is nearing the same kinds of issues, with a similar personality. Can I just add that you are my absolute hero?

      1. Rebecca*

        That is so kind of you to say, I don’t feel heroic in the least, every day any more is a race to get to work, juggle phone calls, try to feed myself in a healthy manner, get some exercise, do things for Mom, take care of the house, her bills, my bills, church bills, AND try to find some time to socialize, it’s been difficult. The lower box spring might be an option, too, much easier than disassembling an entire hard wood bed frame. I have a truck to haul it, too.

        1. Perstephanie*

          …and that is exactly what a hero looks like. It doesn’t look like Iron Man stopping a train (or whatever it is Iron Man does, heh). It looks like someone saying “Nooooo, I can’t do it, it’s too hard,” and then doing it anyway.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending the weekly hug.
      One, I completely got rid of the box spring and just have the mattress (which is pretty thick) on the wooden bed frame. I measured, then went to big box store lumber yard and then bought 2 big sheets of good (non-warping) plywood. Had each one rip cut to fit lengthwise (YMMV) side by side, on top of the slats. (It took four cuts, one lengthwise each sheet, one to shorten each sheet). So basically, I got rid of the box spring (put it in a mattress storage bag, sealed shut, for future donation… this was one of those brutally expensive beds). That’s good scrap lumber. Fits nicely in the truck.

      Beauty of doing that? Was cost of plywood. They are suppose to do 2 cuts, then like $.10 a cut – the kid cut both for free. And perfectly straight, I didn’t have to get out the saw horses and fire up the saw. (Yes I could have, but like you, I’m weary). I think I got the highest grade possible in my budget and still only about $10 more than a metal bed frame. Let me keep the wooden bed (I like it) but not need a ladder to get in it.

      One of the things that we had help with when I was working to have husband stay at home…. the palliative team/ social worker (this was not through hospice) was an OT who came and gave advice. There’s a sort of handrail thing that goes on the bed frame or between box spring (add-on item)… sorry I don’t remember how it works, but it was available through amazon. It gives them a grab bar to use and steady themselves with… And was very reasonable.

      IF you can get a decent primary care doctor who will refer you for help 0r a social worker, ask for an OT referral/ help evaluating the house for home going. There’s lots of little things.

      A couple other lessons learned – shower bench & hand held sprayer / shower combo (we got one that went onto the end of the existing shower head area, no need to re-plumb or open wall). Grab bars (into the studs if possible) near toilet and shower. Seat riser for toilet. Look around the nursing home/ assisted living and look at the bathrooms. Those may well be accommodations you should think about making if you are certain she is coming home. Hubby ripped the towel bar out of the wall and fell, grabbing it (because he refused to put up a grab bar). So if she has a definite coming home date, line up the items and make a plan to have it done without waiting for her critical input.

      Also, in our area, we have a non-emergency fire department number to call for fall assistance. When hubby got stuck in the bathtub (too weak to get out, wouldn’t listen to me and take a shower), I had to call them to come lift him out. A posted set of numbers on the frig (and quietly, behind that, a copy of the DNR if you have gotten one)… is a lifesaver at 2 am when there’s someone on the bathroom floor. It was not a trip to the ER worthy, but scary.

      Preparation and a plan for the things you can get ready for is really, really helpful.

      Oh, I’m so sorry. But you are doing REALLY well here. You are strong, stronger than you know. And we all just put one foot ahead of the other. Hug.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Very small recent discovery over here: they make shower benches with sliding seats! They sit with two of the four bench feet in the tub and two outside of it. You can then sit on the seat outside of the tub and be slid into the tub rather than stepping in. This is a major improvement over the previous shower chair we had, which just gave a place to sit down after the person was already gotten into the tub. If you don’t already own a shower chair and will be using it with a tub (rather than a walk-in shower), I recommend one of these.

        Our latest coveted assistive aide is a sit-to-stand, but the one that seemed to work well at the hospital was $3,000, so not something to purchase lightly. (Hospital, you say? Yes, it has been a week. I’ll be posting about it soon.)

        1. Rebecca*

          I saw your post below, so sorry! We have a tub seat, but not a swing out one. Mom can sit down on it and put her legs in the tub, and there’s a bar to hold on to, raised toilet seat, etc. all left over from when Dad had a hip replacement. If Mom can come home, at least some of the things are in place.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Oh I’m so sorry.
      I read ahead before posting so I see you’re looking at low frames. I’ll second that over the floor, extrapolating from my 1920s-born mother. She saw lack of bed as a sign of being poor or low class and bound to spontaneously generate bedbugs. (I briefly did this when I first moved back home. She magicked a bed out of the apparently empty attic.)
      Another idea for getting the right height — search for a local mattress maker. I inherited an antique bed that can take a full matress but needs an outdated size box, and found a local company that makes mattresses. I live close to several chain stores they sell to, so they gave me free delivery if I’d wait until they were already coming my way. It was much much less than I’d expected, and exactly to my size specs.
      As long as the mattress is the same and the box spring has the same fabric would she ever know?

    6. misspiggy*

      Re getting up in the night to go to the toilet, during my bladder investigations I was told that a lot of that issue with elderly people is that their nervous systems aren’t keeping them asleep enough to shut down bladder signals. And it’s apparently better for the bladder, under normal circumstances, not to respond every time to signals that you need to go.

      So once any actual urinary issues are sorted, it could be a case of getting deep enough sleep. I believe melatonin is increasingly used with elderly people, as that helps to counteract the higher cortisol found at night in that population. We’ve used melatonin for a number of years very successfully with no side effects – it may be worth looking into.

  27. Teapot Translator*

    Bike saga update.
    Went back out early this morning.
    Got to the bike path, started, promptly skidded on I don’t know what and fell. I scratched my leg. :( Picked myself off, did not cry or spiral into anxiety and continued with the practice. I went further than I’ve gone before. My starts are getting better. I’m still lowkey terrified when I come across somebody that I’ll go straight at them, but I’m not letting it stop me.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      That’s awesome! It sounds like you are gaining confidence and your persistence and practice is paying off.

      1. valentine*

        Is there anywhere else you can practice, like an empty parking lot? I’m thinking level ground is your friend.

    2. Courageous cat*

      Keep in mind, if no one has ever mentioned this before, that you go where you look. If you come across someone, don’t look at them, keep looking straight ahead.

      1. Reba*

        This is a great tip, one that took me a while to really grasp! Another one that I found hard to assimilate is that it is easier/less scary when you go faster.

        Anyhow, way to go, Teapot Translator!

        I also learned to ride as an adult. In San Francisco. I frequently got “trapped” on hills, losing steam and freaking out while my partner merrily pedaled on ahead. Now bike riding is relaxing and I really get a lot of satisfaction out of getting someplace on my own power.

      2. Booksalot*

        You’d be really surprised how generally useful this particular tip is! It’s the same way I taught new servers to hold a tray of drinks steady.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Sadly, we have to repeatedly go past others in order to finally understand that we will probably not hit them. I remember going through this with learning to drive. If I saw a car within a half mile of me it was all I could do to keep myself from hitting the brake pedal. I was very much aware of how ridiculous and annoying that feeling was and yet, the feeling kept happening. I finally wore myself out by successfully passing other cars many times.

      Perhaps you can take an object such as a tree or a bench and pretend it’s a person on a bike or walking their dog or whatever, and practice passing the object.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Wow! There’s a special pride that comes with getting back in after a fall. You’re doing a fabulous job!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Good for you!
      May I ask where you found a teacher? I know someone who didn’t learn in grade school.

    6. big X*

      I have been following your posts and have been toying with biking to work (about 4 to 9 miles, depending on if I want to get off and bus the rest of the way!) Went to the folks place to grab my mom’s old bike (they still have MY old one, the pack rats…obviously too small for me now!) and even though I learned when I was a little girl, it’s been decades since I’ve been on a bike – if it’s any reassurance, you really never forget once you learn! The terror, however, you do get to re-experience.

      Keep riding & you are so amazing for this! You don’t know how many people’s stubborn pride won’t let them learn to swim, ride a bike, drive a car or learn anything else that they feel is “””embarrassing””” for people to find out an adult doesn’t know.

    7. Anono-me*

      I’ve been following your story.

      I think it must take a great deal of guts, and dare I say gumption, to learn how to ride a bike as an adult. The ground is farther away, our knowledge of our own skeletal musculature system is much greater.

      One thing that you said the other day, stuck with me. You expressed that switching to a three wheeled bike for a while would seem like a setback. I would like to point out that for many people who learn to ride a bike as a child the steps went as follows:
      1. Pedal free four wheeled scooter.
      2. Three-wheeled tricycle or big wheel.
      3. Riding a small bicycle with training wheels.
      4. Riding a small bicycle with a parent ‘holding on’* to the back.
      5. Riding a two wheel bike independently.

      These steps typically took several years . Steps 1 through 4 gave me practice steering, and steps 2 through 4 give me practice steering and pedaling at the same time, then steps 3 and 4 gave me practice with balancing steering and pedaling at the same time. You’re just straight-up jumping to step five and trying to do all these things at once in a few weeks.

      So my point is that the biggest problem with you learning to ride a bicycle as an adult might be an overly optimistic timeline.

  29. Teapot Translator*

    Exercise thread!
    Tomorrow, I’m going back to my swimming class. I had to miss last week’s due to illness. I’ll do some machines after.
    The trainer told me that to improve cardio, one has to do cardio exercise twice per week so that’s my short term goal.

    1. Ethyl*

      Spouse and I are going back to the gym next week finally! I had oral surgery last month and got out of the habit for a while but my insomnia is becoming insistent that I go back to lifting. My goal is to improve my bench press technique and increase my squat weight. When the new gym facilities are finished in the fall, (spouse works at the local university so we get to use their gym facilities for free), they will have deadlift platforms so I can get back to that as well!

    2. Mimblewimble*

      I’m slowly getting back into running after a leg injury. I did a mile today without any pain, so yay! And my sister placed first for women in a 5K!

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Second week in a row for getting to my (4x a month) Pilates class. Today was not cardio (this one is more stretching, last week was cardio)… but I did try my first side plank. I think I need to get online and look up some you-tube videos of what some of these things are, because I spend about 1/2 the time trying to figure out the direction and position of legs, arms, and then get around to muscle tightening. Forget doing the breathing appropriately (yet). But progress!! I am showing up and trying every week. WOO hoo. I could do some of the stretching at home and spend my class credits on the cardio one.

      I do want to go to the gym during the week – I have both a free one at work (right downstairs) which closes before I get out of there most nights (it closes at 7, I’m usually not out of there that early when I do drive to the office). But I also have a really inexpensive, grandfathered 24 fitness membership I haven’t used in years (need to end it, or use it… the friend I went with 3x a week moved). So I have options… I was just trying to ease into it with the Pilates!

    4. The Other Dawn*

      My home gym (AKA “she-shed” UGH….) is almost done and my new weight lifting equipment is coming on Tuesday. I can’t wait to get out there and start using it next weekend!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yes, that sounds much better to me! Everyone I know exclaims, “Oh! You have a she shed?!” I know 99% of the time they’re saying that because of the funny GEICO commercial–it IS funny–but for whatever reason, I just don’t like that phrase. Same as “man cave.”

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            You know I’d love to see pictures when it is done? Because between the speakers, the equipment, the painting – it all sounds wonderful!

            1. The Other Dawn*

              I’m hoping to be completely done in the next couple weeks. Once the equipment comes Tuesday, I’ll need to hang the mirrors, paint the trim and then put the rest of the stuff in. The biggest thing will be a mini split AC/heat unit, which my husband will install. I will post some pics in the next couple weeks if interested. :)

          1. The Other Dawn*

            My sister wants to have a sign made for the door; however, I have no idea what I would call it. I’m a crazy cat lady; a banker; and love Def Leppard, 80s hair bands and more modern heavy metal. Maybe there’s a name in there somewhere?

    5. Trixie*

      I’m making more consistent progress with evening walks. A good 40-50 minutes with favorite podcasts and more hills/inclines. Next steps: I purchased (finally) some kettlebells and will start using those shortly. At 45lbs, I’ll stay in the driveway and walk lengths back/forth. Also setting up a generous yoga space in my living room which is mostly empty. (Purged for anticipated move.)

  30. LuJessMin*

    Hate to all spammers – got a text at midnight that my credit card was being used in North Las Vegas to buy $67 in wings. Grrrr…

    1. Ethyl*

      That’s so annoying but part of me is cracking up at using a stolen identity to buy just like, an outrageous amount of wings in Vegas.

      1. Dan*

        Stolen identity is not the same as a stolen credit card number. The former is a very big deal, and most of the time, the later is just a nuisance.

          1. Dan*

            It’s not pedantry. “Stolen identify” is when someone starts opening up new accounts in your name, and can be very difficult to stop and to clean up after. These guys are *not* doing this for a bunch of chicken wings.

            Credit card fraud? That’s small potatos. Somebody got a hold of your credit card number and make some purchases. You call your bank, you tell them what’s up, they remove the charges, and you get a new credit card number.

            1. Lujessmin*

              Yeah, talk to me when you’re awakened at midnight by one of these texts, call the card company to get things straightened out, try to go back to sleep but then start worrying about your bank account, so you get up to check it and you can’t get in. Back to bed about 2 to get up at 7 to get ready for work.

            2. big X*

              Dan, it’s pedantic in the sense that the distinction really doesn’t matter in this case. OP1 is lamenting the inconvenience of it all, they don’t even express any concern that said card is compromised; OP2 finds it laughable that you are committing this very serious crime just to buy chicken wings.

              1. Dan*

                Credit card fraud may be a serious thing, but in reality, fraud over small amounts doesn’t get prosecuted. This guy isn’t getting prosecuted over chicken wings unless he’s done a heck of a lot more and this is just one of many that he gets caught doing.

                My ex was the attempted victim of a “check over payment” scam. She had a dead car she was trying to sell, and listed it on Craigslist for like $750. The scammer sent her a check for $3k and said, deposit the check, send me the difference. We know how that goes.

                Well, the minute the check arrived, I thought it looked a little funny, and I figured out who the real owner of the checking account was and called her. She said not to worry about, it happens all the time with her account. I then asked if we should call the cops. She said no, the FBI wasn’t interested in anything less than $3k, so those scammers will continue doing what they do.

                Point being, dude is going to happily enjoy his chicken wings with very little, if any risk to his criminal record over a single event.

                1. LuJessMin*

                  Well, no, he didn’t enjoy his wings because the transaction was declined (according to the credit card company). But, yeah, he won’t get into any trouble over it.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I would think a criminal would run one test of the card to see if it will be noticed–if not, that’s the kind of identity they’ll use to start new accounts. Because they have more time to funnel out funds before getting cut off.

    2. Dr Dimple Pooper*

      Went through this 3 years ago. Someone in Kronos racked up thousands on a ski vacation, pulled out $3K cash and had a expensive meal before our bank called us.

      US Bank issued new cards and sent us forms to complete stating that we did not create these charges.

      Interestingly, US Bank just sent us a notice last week stating that they made a mistake in charging us fees and interest during the dispute over these charges and will get them back on the next billing cycle. We always check our bills carefully and never noticed any fees or interest. Wonder if this was part of a Class Action lawsuit?

      1. tangerineRose*

        A few years ago, after someone in another country racked up a few thousand on my credit card, and I didn’t hear a peep from the bank about it (the bank did take care of the charges when I complained), I found out I could set warnings on my credit card so I get notified whenever any charge is made.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        “Wonder if this was part of a Class Action lawsuit?”

        It’s possible, but usually there will be a letter/email telling you it’s part of a Class Action suit. More likely, the bank was made aware of an error in their processing systems, handling of the claim, or something else. That happened recently at a bank I work for in regards to a certain account they offer. They found the error themselves, corrected it going forward, calculated how much they owed to affected customers, notified them and then credited their accounts.

    3. Crystal Smith*

      Someone once used my credit card number to buy $300+ worth of hair plugs, somehow. I was amused because that charge went through, but when I called capital one it turns out someone had tried earlier that day and been declined for suspicious activity…for $40 at Buy Buy Baby. I’m a 29 year old woman, you’d think hair plugs would be more of a red flag than baby stuff..

    4. OperaArt*

      Someone tried to use my card number earlier this year but I caught it immediately because I have the account set up to notify me whenever anything over $1 is changed. Slightly annoying, but good peace of mind.

    5. Perstephanie*

      Someone used my card to buy $3 of beer in Arkansas. It’s like … *really*? that’s the *best* you could think of?

      1. Dan*

        I know it sounds funny. But a lot of times these credit card numbers are sold in bulk online, and the small charges are “test runs” to see if the card number is active or not.

        1. Card User*

          When my credit card was turned down for a $20 gas purchase one night, I contacted my bank. Turns out that someone had tried to use my card for a Domino’s pizza in the UK so the bank turned it off without notifying me. I use only one card and had to go on a business trip the next day; I made do with my debit card, but it was right before payday so I had to watch my spending. I gave the bank heck for not telling me.
          Almost simultaneously I learned on a craft-related site, that a popular retailer for supplies had been hacked months before but it was just coming to light. The retail site was hacked because they used a legacy system easy to break into and their IT had actually bragged about never updating in tech circles. I had made a purchase from the site three months earlier so they had my card number. I was lucky because I used a credit card and my bank had caught the fraud. There were a lot of people who did not have banks that caught it. Worse yet, were the many. many people who used debit cards and had their bank accounts emptied. The retailer only acknowledged an unspecified problem in a note burried on their website, never made any effort to provide restitution, and went blithely on their way selling yarn. I will never do business with them again.

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          Yeah, when I bought my previous laptop I bought a pair of socks just beforehand, and got a call from the bank to check both of them were me because of the ‘small transaction then big one’. Apparently mobile phone credit is often the preferred option for the ‘test run’, in the UK at least.

    6. Dan*

      Several years ago (like 20) I didn’t use a credit card and just used my ATM/Debit card. Somebody got a hold of that and wiped out my bank account, to the tune of like $800. Back in those days, I didn’t have a ton of money, so declined charges would happen “every now and then”, usually right before my paycheck would auto-deposit. Except this time, my card was declining for three straight days so I actually bothered to look.

      Somebody bought $800 worth of stuff from like World of Warcraft or something like that. I had to call the merchant, and I told him that my bank account was overdrawn with charges from his company that I didn’t authorize. He starts out with, “let me tell you what we do…” and I was like um, dude, I’d know if I spent $800 and what I spent it on, I don’t need a pitch.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      When they stole my credit card number, they used to it cut a $6,000 swath through eastern New Mexico and west Texas, buying computers and then charging the balance at Rosie’s Topless Cantina in Amarillo.

      AmEx kept calling me, but I was out of the country for work. When I finally checked my voicemail and called AmEx back, I told them I could prove it wasn’t me by showing them my passport but also that I didn’t need to pay to see naked women – I could see them for free in the locker room at the gym.

  31. Overeducated*

    Another book thread: any recommendations for physically small to medium books that are good to read on public transit, but more memorable than genre romance and mystery paperbacks? I tend to gravitate toward thick hardcover library books and I just have too much in my work bag for a 500 page tome, so I’m wasting an extra 30-40 minutes a day on my phone that could be precious reading time. I like but am not limited to sci fi (e.g. NK Jemisin, Ann Leckie, David Mitchell).

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      Jack McDevitt is a sci-fi author that I really like. His paperback books are on the smaller side I think, and none of his books are exceedingly long.

    2. Marthooh*

      For bus reading, I use the Libby app to download library books to my iPad. You can also download to a Kindle and (I think?) other readers. If your library system has a good collection of ebooks, this is a great way to take advantage of it.

      1. Stitch*

        A Dance With Dragons was the breaking point for me (I was in grad school and it plus laptop and textbooks was too much on the train). I have a classic kindle and am a big fan, particularly for the ebook lending program.

    3. Llellayena*

      Orson Scott Card, Robert J Sawyer, and Octavia Butler all have standard sized (or smaller) sci-fi paperbacks available. And if you’re ever traveling somewhere where you want similar protection as a sock with pennies in it, Dune in paperback version is quite useful!

    4. Nicki Name*

      Ursula K. Le Guin and Dave Duncan are two of my favorite authors who never allowed their books to get bloated. I recommend Le Guin in particular since you mention Jemisin and Leckie.

    5. Mephyle*

      Used bookstores. The old-style small paperback format used to be more common than big trade format books, and novels used to be shorter, on average. So that’s a place to look for them. If you can find one that has really old books, they might even have some of the old Golden Age sci-fi authors of the 50’s, 60’s, etc.
      Looking at my bookshelf, here are some that I have in small format paperback:
      •John Scalzi, particularly his Old Man’s War series.
      •Marion Zimmer Bradley
      •Terry Pratchett
      •Douglas Adams
      •Connie Willis (her earlier ones)
      •Hugh Howey (maybe cheating a bit – the format is larger than small paperback but smaller than trade paperback)
      •John Wyndham

      5. Blue Horizon*

        CJ Cherryh has published a lot in the small/medium paperback format. Try the Foreigner series for sci fi or the Fortress series for fantasy. Her books run to the introspective and political and can be slow moving at times, but if you enjoy her writing and storytelling style you probably won’t mind. ‘Fortress In the Eye Of Time’ would be a good starting point.

    7. smoke tree*

      One of my favourite books is a short one–The Secret History by Donna Tartt. It manages to be well-written and a story that really stays with you, despite its many completely outrageous elements. The premise is that a group of wealthy Greek students at a prestigious liberal arts college murder one of their classmates (this isn’t a spoiler, it’s probably on the book cover). The book starts by revealing the murder and then the leadup and consequences unravel from there. I’ve never read anything quite like it.

  32. Lucette Kensack*

    Is it reasonable for me to not want my in-laws to visit for Christmas?

    My husband and I alternate the winter holidays with our parents — Thanksgiving with his parents and Christmas with mine, then switch the next year and so on. In the past few years his parents have started coming to stay with us over Christmas during the years we spend Christmas with my family (who live in the same city as my husband and I).

    In theory this is great — we get to see everyone, yay! But it means that we never really get to so Christmas with my family. When my in-laws are here it becomes all about them — not because they are difficult, just because of logistics. They stay with us, and my sister stays with my parents, and so we become two separate units rather than one.

    It also means that I have to work hard to get time with just my mother and sister, which is important to all three of us and which is hard to come by at other times throughout the year (my sister lives halfway across the continent from the city where my parents and I live).

    I also feel a little guilty about imposing my in-laws on my sister, who has never forgiven my mother-in-law for some crappy treatment of me before we were married.

    I feel like a Grinch for wanting to say no to their request to come again this year. What do you think?

    1. Sara*

      I think it’s totally reasonable! Have you talked with your husband about asking them to stay over? Is he inviting them or are they inviting themselves? I’d explain to him that you want Christmas special with your family like you do with his family on the alternate years and his family coming over takes away that specialness.

      1. valentine*

        You can have whatever you want. Say no, that you’re rolling it back to before they started doing this. And look for the source of the Grinch feeling because they’re the ones not being reasonable.

      2. Dan*

        Yeah, I think the course of action really depends on what hubby wants/thinks/feels. If he wants his parents to visit, then the conversation just got a lot more complicated.

        By and large, I hate large gatherings — they’re work to host, and it’s hard to get quality time with anybody.

      3. Lucette Kensack*

        They invite themselves, but my husband is easygoing and is happy to roll with whatever. If I decided I didn’t want them to come he would accommodate that.

    2. Overeducated*

      Could you try to schedule their visit after Christmas if work schedules allow (like a long New Year’s weekend visit)?

      1. Blue Eagle*

        No, you are not being a Grinch. If you went to their house for Thanksgiving and spent time with them away from your family, then they should respect you so that you can spend Christmas with your family. Also, who is doing all the work when they come – you or your spouse? Having them come right at Christmas means you have no down time for yourself.
        Overeducated’s idea about having them come a week or two later sounds great to me.

    3. Sue*

      Yes, it’s reasonable. Can you say that’s it’s just too much and suggest an alternative time? Maybe New Year’s, Easter or July 4, whatever is a better time. You’re talking about every other year when you’ve just spent Thanksgiving at their place. With all that goes on with the holidays, eminently reasonable to say no to house guests without going into all the personal reasons that it’s these particular guests you aren’t keen about.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Say no. You’re not a Grinch. Your in-laws are now seeing you every Christmas. How clever. Start asserting yourself now. Tell them you can’t do it this year and you’ll see them at (whatever works for you).

    5. Aphrodite*

      On the years you spend Christmas with his parents they get the choice of you coming to them or their coming to you. On the years you spend with your parents they get the same choice. No in-laws allowed to intrude when it’s not their year.

    6. Anono-me*

      Do your in laws understand that you are alternating holidays between his side and your side? Or do your inlaws think that they are taking turns traveling for Christmas with you and hubby?

      You are not being unreasonable with wanting a similar amount of holiday time with family from your side during Christmas on ‘their’ year. But please consider the above potential misunderstanding and that since your side lives in town and your in laws live far way; the in laws may be thinking they get 10 days a year with their child and you, whereas your family can have 355 .

      I agree with everyone else that you need to start addressing this with a conversation with your husband. You may also want to focus more on your desire to have time with your long distance sister. Maybe his folks stay home when it isn’t ‘their’ year. Maybe you go see them every third year and he does more things with his parents when they visit, maybe you, your husband and your parents go visit your sister this Christmas, maybe your husband has a much better idea.

    7. Observer*

      You’re not being unreasonable, and you can certainly start setting some limits.

      However, I do think you also need to rethink ONE piece of this. If you’ve made your peace with your in-laws, you really don’t need to accommodate your sister’s feelings on the matter. If they had mistreated HER, that would be a different issue. But she doesn’t get to have input or (legitimately) cause drama over your decision about their treatment of you.

  33. Emma*

    So I realize this might be a stupid question, but… what do you like to do on the weekends? Background: for the past six months, I have been on project that meant I worked pretty much every weekend. I barely had time to squeeze in some chores and then pass out in front of the TV, completely exhausted. That project concluded on Wednesday (yay!) but all of a sudden this morning I’m like, what do people do with so much free time? Normally I would schedule a little getaway to a local national park/hike with my husband, but he’s working this weekend so it’s just me. I don’t want to spend my days bingeing Netflix. What makes you happy these days?

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      I knit, or read, or sew, or paint miniatures. Of late I have been doing quite a lot of knitting because I’ve found some projects that drew me in. Generally I need something to keep my hands busy.

    3. Ethyl*

      I know when I was working projects like that, stuff like haircuts and doctor’s appointments and car maintenance really fell behind. Maybe go get a haircut and get your oil changed?

      1. Emma*

        Great point! My lovely husband does car maintenance but I’m definitely due for a haircut. Maybe I’ll also get a facial or something.

    4. BRR*

      Baking. Weekends are the only time when I feel like I have enough time and I can store stuff for later. So much stuff freezes well.

    5. DCO*

      Sometimes I meet up with friends, but not every weekend. I’d go out for a walk if the weather allows it. I also read during the weekends and since I play an instrument, weekends are also the time when I practice it the most :-)

    6. GoryDetails*

      I’m fond of geocaching – using a GPS device to find specially-hidden containers, some large enough to contain fun objects, some so tiny there’s just room for a slip of paper to sign to indicate you found it. There are caches hidden all over the place, and I’ve been led to little parks in my own town that I had no idea were there, even though I’ve lived in the area for decades! There are urban caches and rural ones, some that involve lots of hiking and others that you can literally “park and grab”. The easy, nearby ones make for a nice break in the day, while others inspire me to road trips. If you’re interested, check out the geocaching.com site. (Basic membership is free; there’s a premium membership option that does the usual fewer-ads/bonus-features thing.)

    7. cat socks*

      I am a total hermit and can easily spend the whole weekend at home and not leave until Monday morning for work.

      On Saturdays I like to sleep in – well I get up and feed the cats around 6 and then go back to bed. Eat a late breakfast and start some laundry. I usually get the cleaning done during the week.

      Sundays I go to church and the grocery store. The rest of the time I spend reading, playing with the cats, laundry and general tidying up around the house.

      Sometimes we’ll have people over to hang out. My husband likes craft cocktails so he’ll mix up some drinks.

      One thing I don’t like doing is meal prep or a lot of cooking. We’ll eat leftovers or order out.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      I like to have a ‘going out’ day and a ‘staying home’ day each weekend. Which day is which depends what’s going on and what I feel like doing.

      On the ‘out’ days, I go to museums/galleries (I have an Art Pass which gets me into all the big exhibitions in London half price), go shopping, go to the cinema, or go out with my friends – either for lunch or dinner/drinks. I also do parkrun on Saturday mornings (basically a weekly timed 5k run).

      On the ‘home’ days, as well as errands and chores like doing laundry, meal planning, going to the supermarket etc, I’ll also do things like baking and sewing, or do work for my side hustle. Or I’ll just watch Netflix and paint my nails or do a bit of pampering.

    10. Mindovermoneychick*

      When the weather is nice I rollerblade, which is super-fun and needs to make a comeback so I don’t feel like such a dork for still loving it.

      1. Alex*

        I used to LOVE rollerblading between the ages of about 13-17. Then I lived in a place where there wasn’t really a good place to go, and when I tried to pick it up again at around age 21-22, I couldn’t do it anymore! Not that I wasn’t fit or something (I’ve never really been fit but that wasn’t the issue). For some reason my balance was not as good as it was and I would trip over the slightest little bump in the road. I can bike just fine but now rollerblading terrifies me!

        And, you should move to where I live because I see people rollerblading all the time (NE US).

        1. Christine D Lane*

          Interesting – I’m in the DC area with tons of great bike trails to rollerblade on and I see a fellow rollerblader maybe once a month? There are few enough of us that we always wave or nod to each other as we go by.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I meet every Saturday morning with my meditation group, then we go out for coffee afterward. Sunday morning/afternoon is my chore day since I don’t go to church. I do laundry in the morning and clean the house.

      Don’t know what I’ll be doing once I move; it depends on where I ultimately end up.

    12. ThatGirl*

      On busier weekends, I meet up with friends, visit family, or go to festivals, that sort of thing. On quieter ones, I read, run errands, watch movies. Sunday is also our laundry and grocery day. I don’t like every Saturday to be Netflix and the couch so i try to plan something roughly 2-3 weekends a month.

    13. Alex*

      Well, besides cleaning my house, doing my grocery shopping, my cooking for the week, and my laundry…

      I try to get in some exercise, especially in the summer with a long bike ride or a run. I also go to a yoga class regularly.

      I don’t like to socialize *too* much but I do meet a friend or two for drinks every couple of weeks, usually for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon.

    14. Earthwalker*

      I like to go bike riding or paddling in summer. But if I haven’t lately, I like to be a tourist: look up interesting things in my area for tourists to see and do.. There’s always something I haven’t tried before. Winery art shows, small museums, local fairs… The collegiate quidditch match was unexpectedly terrific. There’s always something.

    15. Alexandra Lynch*

      Some of my work takes place on weekends; I run a few loads of laundry and make the meals for the workers for the week, and package them up in portions in labelled containers. That way all week I can roll out of bed and stuff an appropriately named meal into someone’s lunchbag with a cooler pack and not have to actually engage my brain about it. We hang out around the house and game and usually handle family get-togethers, his, mine, or me and my kids from my first marriage. The three of us go out for dinner together every Sunday night as a household thing to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes we go out to a club, but that’s dependent on everyone feeling up to it. To be fair, we’ve all got chronic pain issues and some mental health issues, so spending a day just piddling about with our hobbies is often exactly what we need to recharge for the week ahead.

      Today I have several shirts to iron (he wears linen to work in the summer) and the kitchen to finish cleaning after the big cooking operation yesterday, and there’s almond sugar cookie dough in the fridge waiting for me to roll it out and bake the cookies. We’re celebrating his mother’s birthday today so we’re meeting her and his dad for lunch today. It’s not exactly exciting, but it works. Excitement is overrated, IMO.

    16. Nacho*

      Video games are a big part of my weekends. Don’t knock bingeing Netflix though, that can be a good time for all.

  34. HouseyMouse*

    House-hunting: we’ve found:
    -1 small brick house 1h2 from work (near 1 grocery store, a tiny park, 2 bus transfers to med clinic—inconvenient if we have kids).
    -1 nice house 1h30 from work but near a lakefront shopping center with walkable medical clinic (for when we have kids), walkable excellent daycares.

    Current commute: 45 min. I value hiking trails, and hubs wants a nice porch. In our city, it’s large house/cheap/far vs tiny apt/city vs small home/in between/middle of nowhere.

    1. Has anyone opted for a house/longer commute instead of apt/smaller house/short commute? I love the area but it’s far from work. I can telework sometimes though.

    2. Would you choose a large vinyl exterior house or a smaller brick house, and why? (We don’t live in the South so overheating/warping vinyl isn’t an issue).

    3. Bigger house involves 28 min bus plus 1 hr subway. Is this doable while pregnant?

    1. Emma*

      You are the only one who can decide, but I personally wouldn’t do more than 1 hour commute on a regular basis. Do you work long hours? Is your job a long-term one? Would you have any opportunities closer to home in the future?
      Bigger house sounds lovely, but 1,5 hours would be a no-go for me (and sounds brutal while pregnant), and multiple transit options mean a strong likelihood that one of them could go wrong and lengthen your commute.

      1. valentine*

        walkable medical clinic (for when we have kids), walkable excellent daycares
        Will you be starting from home the majority of the time? Even if the daycare opens at a convenient time now, that could change or they could move by the time you’ll need a daycare.

    2. Ranon*

      The 90 minute commute is honestly probably a bigger issue post-pregnancy than pregnancy if you’re trying to make daycare pick-up and drop-off times work/ trying to spend more time with your kiddo at home/ just trying to live your life with this small person who needs a lot of your time. It’s not the commute, it’s the time it takes that could otherwise be used to do other things that gets you.

      1. Stitch*

        My son gets so, so cranky when we are stuck in traffic.

        3 hours a day in the car when you have a baby is a lot. I honestly think the commute may be too long for both houses.

        I know home buying sucks, I have been trying on and off for years, but I would not get myself into that commute.

      2. Reba*

        At those distances you’d be looking for daycares near work, not home, yes? But ugh imagine those commutes with child on pub trans…

        I don’t envy you this decision, HouseyMouse!

        In answer to your other questions, If it’s older construction I’d go for brick, you don’t know what’s under that vinyl! And you know your needs, but a larger house isn’t always an upgrade. The layout, lot, and location can e a lot more impact on your life.

        1. Overeducated*

          A lot of people with regular telework pick day cares close to home, also so the other parent can help. With longer commutes it’s hard to get there on both ends with an 8 hour day in the middle so a lot of couples split pick up and drop off; i don’t think this looks very different if your commuge is 45 minutes vs an hour.

    3. Dear liza, dear liza*

      If you plan to continue working after baby, be sure to look closely at daycare options, too. Some areas have very few options and/or years-long waiting lists. Colleagues have also had to decide whether they wanted a daycare near home but then it was tough to get back to it in an emergency (when little ones start puking, the provider generally needs you to pick her up right away, not in an hour or so), or try a daycare closer to work but then have to bring baby on long commute. You’ll also need to add the time to stop by daycare to the commuting time.

      If you’ve already figured this out/ your place of work has daycare/etc, great! I’ve just seen too many great colleagues really struggle with this.

      1. Anona*

        Yeah, our daycare requires you to pick up within 1 hour when she’s sick. That was the policy for most that I looked at. We chose daycare near my work, which makes it ok for emergencies, but it sucks if you’re sick, since you still have to do the commute to and from daycare and back again, unless you have someone to help. The day I had food poisoning was so awful for that! Pros and cons.

    4. Anona*

      I have a 45 min commute and find it difficult to spend time with my kid. I get up at 5:30, leave with her for daycare at 6:30/6:45, drop off at daycare at 7:30/7:45, get to work at 8 or a little before, work until 4:30 (I skip lunch), pick her up, leave at 4:40, home by 5:30ish. Now that she’s almost a year old, I feed her at 6pm, then we start bedtime routine at 6:30, she’s in bed by 7pm, and then we make and eat our dinner. It’s doable, but I miss her. I’d do the hour commute.

    5. Mindovermoneychick*

      Interestingly researchers have found we get used to both the good things and bad things about our house small over time. Our emotional responses to both go back to baseline. But long commutes are on of the few things humans don’t emotional adapt to very much. They always annoy us. So science is on the side of shorter commutes. ;)

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Everybody is different and some folks thrive on long commutes (down time to collect thoughts, read, etc.) If it were me, I think I’d veto both choices and stick with the 45 minute commute — but I’d especially veto the one that requires both a bus and train.

      That’s our situation now. I don’t know your location/transit system, but where we live, the buses and subways are not in sync and both are, to put it mildly, unpredictable. A missed connection could mean anything from a 10 to a 40 minute wait for a bus. We wouldn’t trade our apartment for anything, but the two-legged commute has made our lives much more stressful than it should be. And we don’t have any children. Add that to the equation and a long commute would be that much worse, I think.

    7. I edit everything*

      I’ve commuted an hour plus for work. On the train, I didn’t mind it. Train time was excellent downtime, for reading, writing, zoning out, whatever. But driving? It was exhausting, even with an easy drive (little traffic, all straight, smooth highway). When I quit my job and went freelance, it suddenly hit me how tired I’d been all the time because of the drive. Since you’re thinking about kids, remember, every fifteen minutes of commute adds to your childcare bill. Three hours a day x 5 days = 15 hours/week. Even in our low cost of living area, that would add up quickly.

      For us, being tired and broke would be very important to our calculus.

    8. Booksalot*

      An hour commute is the very limit of what I can tolerate, and I’m childfree. I can’t fathom making that work with kids.

    9. SamSoo*

      We went for the longer commute to live in a neighborhood we like near the water. Totally worth it to have that beach at the end of my work day!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Commute times are a big deal to me, under the heading of quality of life.

      Otherwise, my hubby and I used to joke about brick houses. Brick houses take a long time to heat up but once they heat up it takes them a while to cool down. I currently live in a house with bricks, I think the old people tried to use the bricks for insulation??? not sure. But, yeah, once the house heats up I need to run the AC longer than other folks. But during the cold weather, I need a little more heat than other folks once the cold gets in the walls.
      It’s a lot better with proper insulation, now.

    11. NoLongerYoung*

      So are you saying you have no car at all? So if the child were sick, you would have to take them to the clinic on the bus? Just checking. Because in some of our family situations, I’d not want to have child (rash that could be measles, vomiting, pink eye) on public transit. You may have to have an uber account or other plan than busing to the clinic…
      Vote for keeping the commute down, even if it means shoehorning yourself into a much smaller space. (We elected that here). We gave up the big house (more than 2x as big, but triple the commute)… we do not have the big porch, view, or easy beach access. 4 blocks from a park. Postage stamp yard. But every day, it’s a quick back and forth to work for the in-office days.

      Two of my coworkers only sees their children on the weekends. By the time each gets home, the kids are in bed. ( an initially 1.5 hr commute each way that now stretches to 2.5 hours with bad traffic most evenings). Being out of the house 12 hours a day… just not worth it to me. I feel bad for all of them.

    12. School Psych*

      I did a commute that ranged from 70-90 minutes depending on traffic for 3 years. There’s a lot of competition for jobs in my field in my area and I wasn’t able to move closer at the time for a variety of reasons. I moved a few months ago and am now around a 30 minute commute from my job. The difference in my energy level and stress level since moving is significant. I can’t imagine doing a long commute while being pregnant or with having young kids at home. My long commute took a huge chunk out of my free time and had an impact on my mental and physical health. Granted I was driving the entire time, but even if I had been able to do part of it on public transportation I still would have been sacrificing 11-15 hours a week just getting to and from work. It was like having my commute be an unpaid, part-time job on top of my real job. I would go for a smaller house and shorter commute. You can always commute to the trails and outdoor areas on the weekend.

    13. HouseyMouse*

      Thanks for the tips!
      Main points:
      -We’re getting a house regardless (which means a longer commute either way). Staying in our current apt is not a long-term option (eg. Having kids later but not enough bedrooms in said apt)
      -We’re leaning toward the shortest of the house commutes (it’s our 1st house to visit). I really hope it lives up to its shiny photos, bc it really does meet our needs.

      1. b*

        A thing no one seems to have mentioned is the public school district your housing options are in. Your children will not be babies for long; are the public schools/private schools good in all areas or is one better than the other? This may change your commute times as well.

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        It sounds like your mind is made up and you think the commute is not an issue. Which is okay, but you do need to perhaps rent, not buy, there for a year and do the commute. Check out the day care rules. Is there one that will give you 2 hours to come get a sick child? (give yourself time to power down the computer, run out the door, and catch the reverse commute to get there). Or is there one near your work you can afford and deal with? Put aside the daycare money – plus the house differential – into a savings account for the length of time you rent.
        One of my great co-workers had to give up a VP job in big metro city and worked in the suburb near child’s day care for the 3 years until he got into preschool. One of the couple had to be within 20 minutes (by the time they got into the car, and then drove, it took 30) for illness. She managed her drive-to-train, train, walk-to-job from station commute while pregnant, but the day care killed their plans. (He was on the partner track, and their decision was not made lightly… but they didn’t like the day care near her job, either).

        So… it isn’t just about the house and yard. You can cope with moving to a slightly larger apartment, doing the trade off on the house in terms of size (so mid-way commute), give up the porch and maybe even the yard… but you probably can’t fix the child care needs and reality. Talk to other parents, and if need be, rent there, as noted, for a year and see what it is really like.

        You’ve had really good advice here, but in many ways, the assumptions you’ve gone into the equation with are the ones folks are challenging. Up to you, but lots of voices of experience here.

        1. HouseyMouse*

          Thanks…I think spouse and I are factoring in daycare he has at his workplace (he drives). Basically, he’d drive 28 min, drop hypothetical kid off at work daycare, go to his desk. Me: he’d drive me to subway stop (or I bus 28 min there) then subway over to my office (1 hour).

          If I do this solo while spouse has kid/car, that seems manageable….I think?

    14. German Girl*

      Yeah, the long commute might even be nice while you’re pregnant, because time to sit down and do nothing is nice, but you’ll hate it when you have kids, whether you take them along or not.

      Also, having done different commutes, I wouldn’t do train+bus again if I could avoid it, because they usually don’t wait for each other – and even within the same mode of transportation, I’d avoid having to switch trains/buses if possible. It will go wrong and mess up your schedule frequently enough to seriously annoy you even without kids. With kids you’ll have a childcare emergency on top of that every time.

      So I’d absolutely prioritize a short and simple commute. And I’d try for significantly less than 1 hour if at all possible. 15-20 minutes is ideal imho – enough time to mentally get in gear in the morning/wind down in the afternoon (I found 5 minutes too short), but close enough to be convenient.

      I did 1h30 by train+bus for two jobs – in one case I was usually able to get a double seat to myself on the train and sleep for an hour each way. In the other I had a laptop and could work for an hour each way. And it was still bad even without kids.

      A med clinic close by wouldn’t be my top priority, even pregnant or with kids – but my pregnancy was pretty uneventful and my baby hasn’t needed more medical attention than the recommended checkups so far.

      Anyway, I’d keep hunting if I were you.

  35. Dr. KMnO4*

    My husband and I are adopting rabbit(s) today! There is one rabbit that we are for sure adopting (her name is Sugar, she’s a Lop) and today she’s going to have some bunny “dates” to see if there is another bunny she might bond with, or at least get along well with. All of the bunnies are spayed/neutered, so we definitely don’t have to worry about surprises.

    I’m considering creating an Instagram account for pictures of my adorable rabbit(s). I also paint miniatures, and have been meaning to post pictures of them somewhere, so it will probably be a rather mixed account. :)

    1. fposte*

      Aw, I have a sib who’s been a house rabbit person for years, including some foster fails :-). From what I know of the house rabbit community, you should definitely have an IG, include the miniatures of your buns, and announce you take commissions. (Okay, you don’t have to, but the people I know would be all over the chance to get a miniature.)

    4. Dr. KMnO4*

      The buns are home! We have adopted Sugar, and are fostering-to-adopt Butters. Sugar’s date with Harvey did not go well, but she actually got along with Butters so there’s a decent chance they will bond. Right now they are laying next to each other in their respective pens.

      I’m mulling over a few different ideas for what to name the IG, but I’ll definitely let everyone know when it’s up. :-)

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        Not entirely sure how Instagram names work, but you can find it under “khorne_and_sugar” or “highfructosekhornesugar”. The profile photo is a large winged creature with an axe. It’s the miniature I’m most proud of.

        We’ve tentatively changed Butters’ name to Khorne.

        3. Tort-ally HareBrained*

          Just found your account. Love house buns, they have such big personalities in such small bodies. Are these your first buns?

          1. Dr. KMnO4*

            Yep! Khorne is really living up to his name. He loves exploring, nibbling on everything, and running around. Sugar is much more laid-back, though she enjoys eating basil, hopping around and laying under our dining room table.

            1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

              Excellent. Enjoy getting to know them, and know that you may be hooked on buns now.

  36. Lady Jay*

    Okay, AAMers! Tell me something good that’s happening to you! My work day Friday was a wreck (I teach, and students . . . don’t always respond the way you expect them to respond), so I’d love to hear about good, non-work things happening to you.

    I’ll start: To recoup, I went running in a huge national park near me this morning. Eight miles along a river under the trees. It was great.

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      I also teach, so I know how you feel.

      My husband and I are adopting rabbit(s) today! We are for sure adopting one, we met her yesterday and she is so cute! Hopefully this afternoon we find a friend for her, but regardless, we are bringing her home with us today.

    2. Koko*

      I made my last car payment this week! I should have the title in 10-15 days.

      Also, I’m posting from the airport, where I got a text that my flight has been delayed. I was here early, so went to a desk because I don’t fly often and needed help because I would miss my connection. My impulse is always to be worried and stress but I have been trying to relax and calmly take care of things, be polite instead of anxious. Well, not only have I have been rerouted, they upgraded me to first class both legs!

      1. Lady Jay*

        Congrats on the car/first class! (I’ve never gotten bumped up to first class, so that’s worth celebrating!)

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I also did a great run today: Summer Streets in NYC. Running down Park Avenue past Grand Central Terminal and Union Square to the Brooklyn Bridge was really cool. And I’m not hurting afterward.

      On the express bus home last night, the fare box didn’t deduct any money from my fare card.

      I bought two donuts in the supermarket this morning and only got charged for one.

      Happy weekend, everybody!

    4. Beaded Librarian*

      Last Sunday I care in second at my sprint triathlon and earned an invite to the State Games of America on 2021

    5. Trixie*

      My transfer application was officially accepted for online degree program. This was the next step in completing my undergrad, and moving from visiting student status to actual student. Bonus: serious help thanks to tuition assistance from day gig.

    6. L.S. Cooper*

      I cleaned my craft room, which is just half of the basement, but still. There’s actually a visible floor down there!

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I invited a couple of friends to join us for the weekly dinner with my father in law. My daughter iced a store bought angelfood cake and decorated it with fruit slices because my birthday was earlier this week. Because my FIL and husband do the cooking, I was able to do some overdue cleaning without being a squirrely wreck at dinner time.

    9. Taking The Long Way Round*

      This is really late, but I had a fab date with someone today and I think this thing might have legs so… I’m happy :)

  37. Blue Eagle*

    Gardening thread
    Whew boy! Just finished using a hand saw to cut the final big stem off the multi-stemmed Japanese maple. The tree was originally a red-leaved cultivar, but the graft died about 3 years in and the Japanese maple sent off a shoot that grew into 5 stems and are now taller than our house. So we cut the stems so that the windows on the second floor are now visible.
    The next job is figuring out how to eradicate the white clover that is taking over the front yard. If anyone has any ideas, we would be glad to hear them.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Interesting tidbit about clover. I read recently that clover is a lawn’s way of rebuilding itself. Clover occurs in poor soils and rejuvenates the soil.

        I had to redo the lawn in my back yard. I bought good seed. So imagine my dismay when it came in as clover. The top soil was really crappy. Over time the grasses filled in and the clover has lessened.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Clover fixes nitrogen which is good for the soil. Other plants that do that are beans, peas, vetch, alfalfa, and (weirdly) locust trees.

    2. GoryDetails*

      It’s been very hot here (southern NH – though I know lots of other places have been “enjoying” heat waves as well), which is good for some plants and not for others. The tomatoes have lots of green fruit that’s still far from ripening, and the basil is doing very well indeed, as are the cucumbers – but I think it’s been just a bit too hot for the peppers and eggplant, as the blossoms aren’t setting fruit the way they usually do.

    3. Ethyl*

      Oh good I’m glad the gardening thread was started!!!

      Question: we just planted a bank of 5 Russian sage plants. Our nursery told us not to panic because they are quite floppy in the pots but will perk up and stand tall after planting. My question is — how long after planting? We have them fairly close together and in front of a fence so they should have plenty of support once they get going. But right now they look disappointingly……well, weedy. Thoughts?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Depending on the heat, it could be a bit? Keep them watered, of course. Many plants do not do great their first year. So I usually focus on getting them established first and then the second year worry about their shape, etc.

        Did you give them fertilizer when you planted them? If no, you can give them some now that will help.

        1. Ethyl*

          God the heat may be an issue. We didn’t get it as bad as everyone else but it was still above normal for a WHILE there.

      2. SpellingBee*

        Floppy how? Like they’re wilted, or like they’re sort of flat and splayed out from the middle? If wilted, they may be suffering a little transplant shock and perhaps getting a bit more sun than they’re used to, and will recover in a few days or a week.

        If splayed out and flat, well, in my experience, Russian Sage just isn’t a stand-tall type of plant. It’s lovely, the bees flock to it and it’s deer resistant and wonderfully drought tolerant, but it’s a big sprawly plant and it absolutely will flop over in whatever direction it can. Since you have it planted closely together in front of a fence you’ve cut off 3 avenues, but I guarantee that it will sprawl out in front. You can help by putting grow-through plant supports over them in the spring and by shearing the top third after the first bloom, but it will still do its best to splay out. There are some cultivars that are shorter and therefore remain somewhat more upright, you may have those.

        It’ll take them about a year to get established, so don’t look for them to get a lot of size this year. Next summer they’ll be a bit bigger, and after that it’s Katy bar the door!

      3. Ethyl*

        Yeah so we literally JUST planted it this week, so it’s going to be a bit, I am just nervous lol. They just look a little……floppy. Like flat and splayed as Spelling Bee said.

        For planting, we fertilized them with delicious organic compost and that horrible-smelling fish shell fertilizer, then we watered, then later on fertilized with horrific stinky fish fertilizer. My cats wanna eat my gardening gloves though XD

        The other houses around here with Russian sage have nice upright bushy plants so hopefully if we give them some love and fertilizer and water, they will look great in a couple months but for sure in a year. I was just alarmed by quite how floppy they looked!

    4. Acornia*

      LOL I am thinking about overseeding with clover and hoping it chokes out the grass that needs to be mowed.

    5. Lizabeth*

      Rabbits 20 Me 0

      The rabbit saga continues…tried a different recipe for rabbit repellent and as far as I can tell it didn’t work PLUS there’s one cheeky rabbit that isn’t scared of people at all. It literally sat there and waited until I was on top of it to move and then moved only two feet. Thankfully there wasn’t anyone out (late dusk) to see me carrying on to chase this rabbit across the street. The very young ones bolt pronto. Next step is get the commercial stuff if there’s any plants left after a week working in the home office. Or should I just give up at this point and transplant the plants they chomp on in the fall to a different location- like the backyard?

  38. Lady Jay*

    Also, *spoiler free* Schitt’s Creek thread (because I’m only halfway thru the second season). Anybody else watching it?

    I think my favorite character is David . . . Dan Levy’s use of his eyebrows is something else, really expressive. And I can’t help but think of Stevie as “snarky Bella Swan” (it’s the long dark hair).

    1. Lena Clare*

      Omg yes to all of that.
      I love Schitts Creek, it’s so wonderful and sweet. I think my fave character is Moira. She’s so funny.
      Enjoy!

    2. Coughy McCougherson*

      I want David to be my best friend. I think Stevie is who I wanted to be when I was growing up.

    3. Courageous cat*

      The premise of Schitt’s Creek does it a bit of a disservice because it sounds somewhat dumb, and I avoided it for a little while as a result. I regret that heavily because it’s one of the most nuanced and funny shows I have ever seen. The humor is spot on for me and so unique compared to other shows. The delivery of every line from every character is just perfect.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Funnily, I avoided Schitt’s Creek for awhile for similar reasons (sounded like a warmed-over Arrested Development), and it took me about four episodes before I really got into it. Around the time Stevie turned on the snark (and started bantering with David), I was hooked.

    5. smoke tree*

      I think it gets better every season. I’m a longtime Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara fan, but I was still surprised at how much I liked it. I’m usually skeptical about Canadian media so it was nice to be pleasantly surprised.

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m all caught up and I loved it. While I adore the Johnny and Moira characters, the character development of David and Alexis has been my favorite part so far. (That’s all I can say and still be spoiler-free!) But being GenX, I keep seeing a young Ally Sheedy whenever Stevie has a certain look on her face.

    7. Bluebell*

      A friend tried to get me to watch SC for years and I resisted. She emphasized the hilarity. When I finally started watching, it took me about 4 episodes to get into the groove. I watch it on Netflix so am one season behind. What I’ve loved is the sweetness as the family has gotten closer. So happy about their Emmy noms this year!

  39. Agent J*

    Random thought ahead but hoping someone commiserates:

    Sometimes I wish I had more friends. The friends I have are great and I’m grateful for them. But they’re not the types to throw me surprise parties for major milestones or post about me on social media on my birthday. I know that sounds self-involved but when you see how others are celebrated, it’s hard not to compare. A few friends of mine have had birthdays recently and it got me thinking.

    I guess my ultimate fear is that I’m “too easy-going” of a friend and so people don’t think they have to go the extra mile for me. Which is true, but once in a while it would be nice, ya know?

    1. Anon for this*

      How DO they make you feel special? Perhaps focusing on their kindness will put this into perspectives. People show love in all sorts of ways. Sometimes these posts online can be rather hollow or showy, and make us forget what is really meaningful in a friend. I personally removed my bday from social media because I prefer well wishes from friends who actually know my birthday!

      But if this is truly a need you have, you’ll need to be direct since it’s something they don’t naturally do. You could ask a friend to make a fuss for you for a birthday or something. If a friend asked that of me, I would do it, but probably only the one time. Not because of lack of love, but because that’s not how I personally show my affection for them.

    2. Redhead in NY*

      You never know what those friendships are like. They might be fake and superficial. I never post about my friends online but I have great friends who I love dearly. That stuff really isn’t important in the grand scheme of friendships, what’s important is the relationship you have with them outside of a social media presence.

    3. fposte*

      There are some thoughts blended together here that it might be worth separating. You start by thinking about this as a difference in a type of friendship, but then later on you’re talking about this more linearly, as friendships where people do or don’t go the extra mile. So I can’t tell if you feel generally that you’re not as close to your friends as you’d like, or because of social media you see these particular things a lot and wonder if not having them means a shortfall.

      So here are my main thoughts:
      It’s possible your friendships might not be as close as you like, but it’s also possible they are and you just have a hankering for some things your friends don’t know you want or aren’t in their social idiom
      You’re probably not noticing who else *isn’t* getting congratulated or getting surprise parties so your mind is skewing the frequency of this.

      One thing that I’ve been very slow in learning is that it can be okay to ask friends for what you want. I don’t think I’d ask a non-hosting introvert with a studio, say, to host a surprise party for me, but I think it’s okay to say “Hey, I sometimes feel a little down on my birthday and it would mean a lot to me to hear from you that day” or “do something with you to celebrate.” So maybe that could be a next step for you, and it might give you a deeper friendship.

      1. Agent J*

        So I can’t tell if you feel generally that you’re not as close to your friends as you’d like, or because of social media you see these particular things a lot and wonder if not having them means a shortfall.

        I think it’s the latter. I have a set of friends who use social media a lot but we’re not super close. I have another set of friends that I’m closer to but don’t use social media as often. I think I’m getting a skewed version of all the social media fuss over friends that I like but are not my closest companions.

        I’m also a person who doesn’t usually ask for what they want/need because I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. But asking for something small is a good step forward.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I can relate, I think. I just don’t have many friends at all, and somehow I’m never in a circle of friends who actually think to call or include me. If I contact them they are happy to have me along but I seem to be forgettable in some way.

      1. Agent J*

        Yes! I feel forgotten about often and I’m not sure what we do to be more “present.” Reach out more? Intentionally coordinate meet-ups/outings for friends? Show up to the Big Things? Or are these relationships just not worth sustaining if we’re the one putting in most of the work?

        (Not all questions for you. Just explaining where my thought process is going.)

      2. S. Mellie*

        Same here. And as Agent J says, I have thought about inviting them more, coordinating more stuff…. but then I fee like I am the only one making an effort… although we always have fun. I have always had self confidence issues in this area (I can point to some stuff as a kid that probably contributes to this) and not wanting to “be in the way.” So I am on my own a lot.
        I have learned to deal and accept that but as Agent J says, just once it would be nice if someone were to do something spontaneous for me. I hate how that even sounds… which is why I would never bring it up outside this forum.

    5. Gloucesterina*

      My friend introduced me to the love languages model (I don’t think one needs to read the book, just google the concept). It’s kinda cheesy but it may also be worth sitting with and talking about with your friends. How do you prefer to communicate and receive expressions of love and friendship? Does that match up or diverge from your friends’ preferences? I wanna say this book was probably written pre-social media so I’m not sure if what bucket social media displays of affection would fall into, if that’s a key piece of your love language.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      I put a fake birth date on Facebook and now I get a few birthday greetings on my not-birthday. My mother wrote,”Funny…I don’t think I was there!”
      Social media sure messes up a lot of things!

    7. coffee cup*

      My friends have never thrown a party for me and I don’t think that makes them less good friends or me too easygoing. Partly because, well, I don’t want a party, but also that’s not why/how we’re friends. I can understand wanting something from a friend you’re not getting, but I’d ask you what else is missing? I feel like there must be a bit more to it than this for you to feel this way. If it *is* only this, I’d suggest asking your friends for what you need. Not everyone is the same about these things and they just might not realise you really like parties!

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      My thoughts about the friendship thing?
      * Social media is a fairly false window into people’s lives. It’s a one-time snapshot (sometimes of the only good thing they did with those friends all year). You don’t see the day to day, which is hopefully where your friends do shine. Did they talk about their messy house? No one visiting them for 11 months? No, they talk about the good things. I don’t blame them, but I try not to compare their carefully curated picture of themselves with my day to day. It’s just not apples-to-apples for comparison.
      * I am still working on being a more straight forward and responsive friend myself. I’m learning from watching my better friends, and how they interact with me. They reach out, they remember big events (work project, lab test/doc visit, family stress) and follow up to let me know they are thinking of me. I’m not the only one reaching out to them (I used to be the initiator, but it was with needy friends who didn’t respond back unless they needed me). These friends are also very thoughtful towards me – it’s a 2 way street of caring. Sometimes I’m so in my own head, that I don’t listen or ask or respond to “them” as the priority they are to me. I am trying to nurture and love them, the way they love me.
      Does that make sense? Of my 3 best friends who have seen me through dark hours, only 1 is even on social media regularly. The others are focused on actual, interaction and friendships (and they shine at it). I’ve learned a lot from trying to re-focus on the small, personal interactions.
      And, +1 on the asking for what you want more. (Understand, still working on that).

      1. Agent J*

        You might not see this since I’m replying on a Monday, but this is all great insight/advice. Thank you.

  40. Nicki Name*

    Bra sizing!

    A while back, someone posted a link to an awesome-looking bra sizing site, and now that it’s about time for new bras, I can’t find it again. I’ve been wearing my current size for years, it seems okay, but I’d like to see if a better fit is possible.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      HerRoom has good videos and a calculator.
      Sister and nieces all learned from “reviewing” their sizing.
      I also like how they have a sort of uniform sizing (so that if I’m an A1 in a wacoal I am an A1 in a Bali… the european and US sizing can throw me off, but as long as I know the correct band size and that uniform sizing number, the fact that a DD is an E is no longer throwing me off).

  41. RMNPgirl*

    I wrote a few weeks ago about having to close on a house and move in the same day. Well, that was last Friday and it felt chaotic during the day but looking back, it went very smoothly. I had 4 very long days of moving and then unpacking and getting settled. However, after a week in my new house I can say this was one of the best decisions I’ve made. I absolutely love my house and it already feels like home!

    2. I edit everything*

      Sorry I missed your original story! We signed closing papers (long distance, requiring a search for a notary and a trip to a FedEx outpost) as the moving company was loading all our worldly possessions into a truck, before we headed off to a week of vacation, which would end with us arriving at our new house three states away, which might or might not still be housing the former owners. Also involved: a train trip, dinosaurs, my husband’s childhood home, my parents, sleeping on various floors, and a truly awful hotel.

      Welcome home!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Congrats! It’s very cool that the place feels like home already. That is such a bonus.

  42. Llellayena*

    I’m hunting for a peach tea, similar in flavor to Stash’s Peach Black but decaf or herbal. Every decaf/herbal peach tea I’ve found (even the one from Stash) has a bunch of other flavors in it, like ginger or spices or something. I just want the flavor of basic tea and peaches. The Peach Black makes an amazing iced tea but I drink so much iced tea when I make it that that’s way too much caffeine. Thanks!

    1. Fishsticks*

      Maybe try Adagio Teas. I tried to look but their website isn’t playing nice with my phone lol. I’ve ordered from them a number of times and I really like their teas. They also have a ton of custom blends.

    3. Jackie*

      Plantation Peach Pyramid Teabags from the Charleston Tea Plantation are fantastic but not decaf. I also watch my caffeine and move to Tazo decaf lotus blossom green tea after my one cup of black tea.

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      Starbucks carries a Peach Tranquility tea available for take-home in most stores. It’s a blend and it does have chamomile and a few other flavours, like lemongrass, but I drink a lot of it and find the peach to be very overwhelming! You could make a really lovely iced tea blend with one-to-one peach tranquility and a plain black tea, or 2-1 or 3-1 for less caffeine.

    6. Ranon*

      Arbor Teas has a peach rooibos that might fit the bill, I haven’t tried it but the quality of their teas overall is really good.

      1. merp*

        Agh, submitted too soon. They also have a peach white (so, not decaf but much less) and their peach black is so good that I feel like I would trust their peach white.

  43. Grand Mouse*

    Hi everyone! I am frustrated becayse if being in so much pain. Both my wrists and my back hurts. It is definitely caused by work. What’s weird about the back pain is I have trouble walking. The pain isn’t even that bad but my legs are weak. I wish I knew how to really make it better because I relieve the symptoms only to have it aggravated again.

    Any tips would be great, but also what apps are you all into? Mostly for fun. I’ve been playing a lot of Merge Dragons and Almost a Hero. I played Zen Koi and Tap Tap Fish for a while too. Khanacademy and Habitica are my more “responsible” apps but still a lot of fun.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, that’s a lot of pain. I gotta say, if your wrists are hurting, it might be a good idea to give apps a rest for a while, especially super-percussive apps like Tap Tap Fish (which about wore my hands off). And if your back hurts and your legs are weak and this keeps coming back, I really think you need to see a doctor. That’s a combination that could require more than home treatment. (A good PT could also be helpful on the wrists, but I wouldn’t use them to bypass the doctor on the back question.)

      In the meantime, test ice and test heat and see if either gives you some notable relief; if they do, keep ’em going.

      1. Grand Mouse*

        I am being careful with my hands at least! I am not playing heavy tapping games and I’m using the phone resting on a pillow so I don’t have to hold it. When your hands give you trouble theres not many things you can do!

        1. fposte*

          Oh, I definitely know that, from experience. But this might be the time to do some binge-watching or binge-listening instead. Your wrists are hurting to say “stop using us!”

    2. valentine*

      You may want a medical evaluation before you do anything. You might try wrist braces and yoga specifically for back pain.

    3. WellRed*

      Hmm. Last time I had back pain that made me limp I wound up seeing a chiro. Mu hips or pelvic girdle or some such was out of whack and needed several sessions. I know that’s not for everyone, however.

    4. Stephanie*

      I’ve had wrist problems off and on for years, they’re much better now. After many, many years of pain and weakness, (and even wearing braces on both wrists for months), I finally saw a specialist. I was tested for carpal tunnel syndrome, but tested negative. I actually had a pinched nerve in my neck that was causing the wrist pain and weakness. I went to physical therapy for about three months, which was brutal, but it really helped, a lot. What also helped more permanently was consistently exercising.
      If you’re having back pain and leg weakness, I would definitely see a doctor. That’s not something that you should try to diagnose or treat on your own. I know I was mad at myself for muddling through with the wrist stuff for so long when I could have had relief so much sooner if I had only sought treatment for it.
      In the meantime, rest your wrists, and maybe try some gentle hip/back stretches.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Back pain that makes your legs weak sounds like there’s some pinched nerves involved. Make a doctor appointment.

      1. Stephanie*

        Lilysparrow, that was my first thought, too. And pinched nerves don’t just go away, or get better. I struggled for 15 years. It would be okay at times, and then get bad again, and even when it was “okay” I couldn’t do normal things, like open a jar, or lift a heavy bowl of food with one hand.

    6. Quandong*

      Please make an appointment as soon as you can to investigate your back pain and wrist pain. If your legs are weak and you have trouble walking, it’s important to find out the source of the problem (especially since it sounds like this may have been happening for some time). If you can take along any documentation of symptoms, what you’ve tried, what makes your pain worse, it’s useful information for the medical professional.

      You may want to find out what accommodations can be put in place at work, and whether you can request any type of assistance through workplace health & safety. You may be eligible for an assessment and check of your work station, including chair, desk, monitor, keyboard etc.

      One of my friends needed to completely stop typing or using a mouse at all for a very long time, so she needed to switch over to voice commands at work. Obviously this took time and she wasn’t expected to meet her usual commitments while getting this up to speed. She had a responsive workplace and sought accommodations which allowed her to keep working while recovering from the condition that affected her wrists.

      I hope you can get this sorted out soon.

    7. Alexandra Lynch*

      See a doctor regarding the back pain, and in the short term you can probably get some relief by going in a pool and just gently moving around. It will decompress your spine. My girlfriend with the ruptured disk tries to get in a pool twice a week because it gives her a lot of pain relief.

    8. Observer*

      Medical evaluation ASAP.

      The one thing that can be helpful and not risky is making sure that you have a good chair at the RIGHT HEIGHT for you (and if you are sitting at a desk that might mean a taller chair with a foot rest), and making sure that you get up and move around reasonably often. Don’t do anything more strenuous than walking a bit till you know what your problem is, though.

      1. Grand Mouse*

        Oh! It is interesting people are responding like I am an office worker. I am a janitor, and so the problems are from moving about. Back problems are endemic in my area of work, but I know office workers get them too. Both moving too much AND sitting too much cause back pain. The human body is wonderful isn’t it?

        1. Observer*

          Yes, the body is weird and wonderful.

          The chair suggestion is still one to consider – but for at home. I had some really bad back problems and I found that a good chair for when I got home was essential to keeping things under control. Even now, when things are much better, if I’ve had a bad day, I’ll sit in the one specific chair and it really helps.

          I don’t think that this is the whole story – that’s true even for office workers. But a good chair for when you ARE sitting can be useful.

          All that said, I still think that the medical evaluation is still the single most important thing you can do.

    9. Grand Mouse*

      An update: I have seen a doctor about this before but wasn’t given much help other than like some extra strength tylenol. I thought I was going to be sent to physical therapy (I’ve gone before for upper back pain) but they never followed through.

      I’m going to urgent care today hoping something can be done to at least help me get back on my feet for the short term. I’ll report back later. Thanks everyone!

      1. Observer*

        That’s ridiculous and frustrating.

        I hope the urgent care folks can give you some short term relief. But do go back to your doctor and if they can’t find anything push them – either they follow up or refer you to the appropriate specialist(s). And if they mention something specific like PT, then do NOT wait for them to follow up. Chase them down if you have to.

        You should not have to be so aggressive about this, but that’s the unfortunate reality.

    10. KoiFeeder*

      I like to play Zen Koi too (well, what I do is I show the new koi to my IRL koi, which is probably not the object of the exercise). Sudoku and crosswords are also fun for me, but YMMV on those. I’ve been looking at a picross app, too, but I’m not sure about them.

      How is Merge Dragons, btw? It looks interesting, but I’m worried about it being a freemium like dragonville…

  44. Fishsticks*

    Does anyone have any suggestions for apartment hunting in Los Angeles. I’m using most of the online ones (Zillow, apartment list, google) but any apartment I like, the complexes either have bad reviews or the management company has bad reviews. Any ideas on what I should do or just be less concerned?

    Thanks all!

    1. Redhead in NY*

      Something to consider: a lot of apartment complex and property management reviews are going to be less than ideal. From my experience, really only the upset people who post reviews. Who goes out of their way to review an apartment complex or property management company?

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Agreed! What are people upset about in the reviews? If the review is something like the fact that the elevators for a high rise building are always broken and everyone gets stuck or has to wait 20 min for one to stop on their floor all the time… that’s bad. But the majority of one-star reviews I see are given just because the management company wouldn’t allow them to break a lease early because they decided they wanted to move in with their SO, closed on a house earlier than expected, etc.

      2. Dan*

        Yeah. There’s always going to be some disgruntled people no matter what. (How often have you gone to a highly rated tripadvisor or yelp place/restaurant and couldn’t figure out what the hype is all about?) So, the total number of negative reviews matters. If it’s just a handful, odds are your experience won’t be the same. If there’s a lot? Then that’s a different story.

        I’ve been renting my apartment for 10 years. Is it perfect? No. But it’s good enough that I’m not motivated to move, either. Every so often, I get curious and look at online reviews (which I did just now). The handful of people that complained big time? I assume that their experience is valid, but it isn’t mine. I’ll note that apartmentratings website does actually have more than a handful of reviews (~50 for a 150 unit property) that on average are representative of my experience.

    2. Nana*

      Also, consider the commute…LA sprawls. Do you need to be need work? school? And how will you commute between. Some options are better than others. Good luck.

  45. Did I overdo caffeine? Redhead in NY*

    Hey everyone! Wanting to see if anyone has had a similar experience as me. Probably between May 10 and July 15, I was drinking an enormous amount of caffeine. Cold brew in the morning (a large cup, homemade), 200 mg pre-work out in the afternoon, a strong matcha tea, and sometimes an extra cup of coffee. I had gotten to the point where nothing was affecting my ability to stay awake so I just added more caffeine.

    On June 26, I started having this weird head pressure in my forehead. It didn’t affect my ability to concentrate, it’s just just a physical and annoying feeling. A couple of weeks later it got so bad that I felt like I was going to pass out after work outs, some smells made me nauseous (I’m not pregnant), and I felt light headed. It also feels similar to the sensation like a ringing sound in my ear but in my forehead. The 2nd week of July I cut the coffee down to 1 cup and on this past Wednesday I gave up caffeine completely. I’m really not having too many withdrawals and my head “fuzz” is still there but overall I feel better than I did a few weeks ago.

    I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had blood work done – all normal. I had my cortisol blood work done Friday to check for adrenal issues and still waiting on the results.

    Has anyone else experienced this?

    1. Enough*

      Caffeine elevates your blood pressure. I had a similar funny feeling in my head and was 160+ over 110+ when I got to the hospital. On medication and still drink sodas but how much I drink does make a difference.
      And with anything people have different reactions.

      1. Redhead in NY*

        My BP has always been really good. I went to the Dr in May and recently and it’s in normal range (usually 110/70).

        1. Grace*

          I actually have hypotension (chronically low blood pressure) and too much caffeine in a day takes my blood pressure too high. It gives me headaches, makes me nauseous, etc. Having good/normal blood pressure doesn’t mean that it can’t be temporarily and artificially heightened by caffeine!

          My caffeine highs are generally marked by feeling light-headed and like I’m about to throw up, occasional hot flushes (I’m in my early 20s, so it’s 100% caffeine-related and not menopausal), an inability to concentrate or think straight, things like that. I usually just have to sit down for an hour or two and drink lots of water and wait for it to pass.

          1. Redhead in NY*

            Interesting! What I feel like is unique about my case is that it’s been like this for over a month, and has not gone away.

            1. Grace*

              Ah, I missed part of that bit. I saw that you were feeling better, but not that your symptoms are still present, although lessened. The half-life of caffeine isn’t that long, but I suppose it might be partially withdrawal? My parents have a ridiculous caffeine addiction and I know that feeling woozy/not right in the head/something is wrong and weird and can’t put a finger on it is part of withdrawal for them, although I’m not sure how long it can go on for.

        2. Nita*

          I suppose you can still get occasional high blood pressure. If you have a blood pressure meter, you can check at home. I’ve always had really low pressure, but in the last year I started getting headaches and nausea. Never could get around to measuring the numbers when it happened, until two months ago. When I finally measured it, I was surprised that the headaches aren’t from my BP falling through the floor like I expected – it was actually pretty elevated. My grandma had this kind of seesaw blood pressure (either very low or very high) for years, so maybe it runs in the family.

    3. Dancing Otter*

      Have you been to the ophthalmologist lately? Glaucoma can cause pain above the eyes, though it’s mostly painless until it gets really bad. Simple test of the intraocular pressure is all it takes (painless), but general practitioners might not even think of it.

      On a more cheerful note, it could be the caffeine still. I complained to my doctor of frequent headaches once, and she told me to cut out caffeine. I had been drinking a lot of it, and I stopped immediately. I had … well, not the worst headache of my life, because that was a concussion, but definitely a close runner-up, and it lasted for d.a.y.s. Miraculously disappeared when I gave up and drank a Diet Coke after six days of misery. Heaven knows how long it would have lasted if I’d been more stubborn.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Not sure how old you are do thus may not be relevant, but it sure sounds like my first migraine headache in my early 20s.

    5. Observer*

      Give yourself another week or two. If your headaches go away, you have your answer. Otherwise, follow up and get a referral to a specialist of you need to.

    6. It’s All Good*

      I thought I was going to have heart attacks. Heart racing, fear. Went to cardiologist I was fine. Went to neurologist tested fine. Started an anti-anxiety pill. long story short after two years of feeling weird and thinking I was going crazy it turned out I had a sensitively to stimulants. I was drinking 2-4 cans soda a day. Once it was figured out I went cold turkey on the soda. Took about 2-3 weeks to get over it. Also my heart raced at the dentist (I don’t fear the dentist) turned out it was the ephedrine in the shots. Alot of things started making sense at that point. Good luck I hope you figure it out soon

  46. Veruca*

    I had a hysterectomy yesterday and am taking it easy today. Any words of wisdom for recovery? the CO2 in my abdomen is bothering me a lot.

    1. valentine*

      Hold something like a cushion against your abdomen when changing positions, coughing, sneezing, or vomiting. Motion sickness pills if pain medication makes you hurl. Free your belly: Only pull clothing up to hips. Only lift heavier objects short distances, like ottoman to lap. Have someone put things on higher surfaces for you and let them live there until after your 6-week/work clearance visit. Gas-X or Little Remedies (in case you like flavor). Curl up in gas-friendly positions.

    2. Bye Academia*

      Drinking carbonated beverages like sprite really helped me when I had a laparascopic surgery with CO2 in my abdomen. It seems counterintuitive, but maybe it helped move things along? Anyway, best wishes for a smooth recovery!

    3. Dancing Otter*

      Stool softener (but not laxative) so you don’t have to push hard. Even with laparoscopic surgery, you need to give your muscles a break for the first week or so.
      Stay hydrated, even if the CO2 is making you feel bloated.
      If you’re on painkillers strong enough to make you fuzzy, take an index card or piece of paper to write the time when you take each dose. Not remembering whether you took the pills is very common. You don’t want to double up, but you don’t want to miss a dose either.
      Hysterectomy is surgical menopause, if you didn’t already go through that, so you may get hot flashes. Cool your feet, cool your body: an inch of cool water in the bathtub feels heavenly on the tootsies.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Also, count your blessings that you’re actually getting six weeks off. My project manager sent a coworker to get me when I was off painkillers but not allowed to drive. End of the second week, IIRC.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Alternate walking and lying down. Sitting is the most uncomfortable position of them all. Warm towels on the abdomen will give you some comfort from the gas pain. Check the hystersisters.org web site for a lot of tips on recovery.

  47. LizB*

    Wedding planning thread! Since I know there are several of us around… how’s it going? Small victories? Large victories? DIY projects you’re so flipping excited about and nobody in your life understands your passion? Questions and problems?

    1. LizB*

      I have a venue, y’all! And that means I have a wedding date! *dances forever* I love love love the venue, it’s got gorgeous exposed brick and a super dramatic staircase and great natural light. I don’t think we’ll even need to decorate that much, honestly, it’s very pretty by itself and a more simple decoration scheme will go great… which is good because that’s a very small sliver of our budget, lol. The one thing it doesn’t do quite as well as some other possibilities is A/V — there are good speakers for ambient music, but we’ll have to rent a speaker or two for dancing music, and if we want dramatic lighting we’ll have to rent that as well. But the catering options look delish, the parking is good, and it’s very within budget. SUCCESS!

      We had been considering another venue, and when we toured, the price we were quoted was $4500 for a Sunday wedding. I got back in touch with the sales person to ask a couple more questions as we got closer to decision time, and in the midst of answering my questions she just casually dropped in, “Oh, and the owner decided to raise our pricing, as of [literally 1 week from the email date] it will be $6500 for a Sunday wedding.” I was like, what?! That’s a serious price jump on short notice. I’m glad this other venue worked out so nicely, because I don’t think we would have gone with that venue after that — I know it wasn’t intended to be a bait-and-switch, but it sure felt like one.

      1. Poptart*

        I’m about a step behind you! Just starting to look at venues and slowly sink into the quicksand that is being a bride. It’s exhausting dealing with pressures (internal and external and societal) and takes a lot of communication with my partner. We’re super chill people so I didn’t think it would be this hard. I’m glad I have support from all sides!

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      Almost a month until the day! Now’s when the planning starts ramping up. Getting all the details in place, doing the last fine bits of coordination, and anticipating even more of a hustle when the day comes closer.

      I’m excited, and I think I’ve limited it well to what I care about and no more (eg no flowers cause I don’t particular want em) but at this point it still feels like a lot of detail.

  48. yeine*

    hi aam commentariat,

    TLDR: do i *not* want to be partnered in life but i feel pressure to be partnered due to social pressure, or i want to be partnered but my vulnerability issues are making it hard and i should work to overcome it?

    long version:

    how do you decide that you do or do not want to be partnered in life? i’m in my early 30’s and i’ve had a few partners for a few years here and there. i did feel previously that i wanted to get married to someone, but they dumped me, and i didn’t date for 3 years after that. i’ve never felt a strong drive to have a partner – i live alone by choice (even though it’s more expensive to do so) and i’m an introvert. even so, i definitely feel an urge to go on dates with people, and i do, although usually i don’t feel like it’s a match. over my 12ish years of serious dating time, i’ve had 3 serious boyfriends, only one for longer than a year (the one who dumped me.)

    that being said – i definitely have vulnerability issues from childhood stuff, and it’s hard for me to get close to *anyone* – even friends. up until recently, i’ve never had more than 2-3 people i considered friends. i have an actual friend group now… like 7-8 people who actually like that i show up to things – and it’s AMAZING. maybe finding the right partner is like this too, if i stick with it?

    yes i know i need therapy.

    1. valentine*

      It may be a case of not wanting partnered living in general, but wanting it with a specific person or people. Are you open to your friends matchmaking for you?

      1. yeine*

        I’m not opposed to it, but my friends are a lot more polygamous than me, which makes it a little wierd. (Obviously I don’t mind that they’re polygamous, but I don’t think I am. Obviously that could change.)

    2. Agent J*

      Maybe your desire is really for connection or intimacy and you think being partnered is the way to achieve that? As a society, we put relationships on a pedestal as the one true way to experience intimacy (not physically, but emotional closeness with another). But I’ve learned that you can get that same benefits of human connection from close friendships.

      It seems like you’re really enjoying your expanding friend group. I think you should lean into that more. Maybe find new ways to meet and socialize with new people. Find more ways to connect with the friends you have. You might find that fulfills what you’re looking for, rather than being partnered.

    3. Can I get a Wahoo*

      Are you me? I can’t imagine having a partner, but I also can’t imagine *not* having a partner. But I mostly think of it in terms of “The things I want in life (financial stability, kids, intimacy) would be easier with a partner” rather than “I want a partner.” It’s very confusing, and I’ve yet to come up with an answer

      1. yeine*

        I definitely feel this feeling! It’s hard to imagine I’d *always* want someone in a joined space, or thought it was a worthwhile sacrifice to sacrifice the desire to go to my own solitary apartment — but lots of other people clearly do! And yet I can’t help but think that maybe there is something I’m missing that makes it worth it, or that they would always/mostly feel it was the best to have someone in that joined space!

    4. Filosofickle*

      Not wanting a partner is perfectly fine, for any reason. Friends are awesome and can support you across more dimensions than a single partner can.

      I’ll offer my experience, not as advice, just as a story. I was never partner-oriented — in my 40s, I’d been in only a few relationships and only one longer than a year. I’d been totally single for more than a decade, rather a “quirkyalone” type. Like you, I also have vulnerability issues and am an introvert. I’d lived alone for a long time and honestly wondered if I was even capable of sharing my life and my space. That said, I have great, decades-long friendships and a great family so I know what support and love feel like. It just seemed like romantic love wasn’t for me. And I was ok with that.

      A few years ago I started wanting to at least try to have a little fun (and, TBH, get some). Rather unexpectedly I fell head over heels in love! We’ve been together more than 2 years now and live together. I joke that my heart has grown three sizes. I even love having him around every day and night, which is so unexpected! We were both guarded and skeptical in the beginning but something about the combination of us makes us feel safe and and deeply accepted, maybe for the first time ever. Sometimes I wonder, what if we’d found other other earlier? Was I missing out on this all along? But we both agree we weren’t who we needed to be even 5 years ago. We found each other when we were ready, and had worked through our stuff.

      I’d have been fine if I never partnered, and I’d be fine again if this ended. But I also now know this kind of love and intimacy is possible for me, and that feeling is transformative.

      2. yeine*

        I’m totally okay with if what I want is to not be partnered. I just wish I knew if I wanted to be partnered!

        I feel like your story could be like my story. I just don’t know!

        When you started hanging out with your partner, how quickly did you know that you wanted this person really in your life? Was the connection close to instant, or did it take you a while to realize you wanted this deep and personal space?

        1. Filosofickle*

          We knew by the 2nd date we were really into each other. However, for the first couple of months we tried to keep a fair bit of distance to protect ourselves. I didn’t know yet if it was more than a fling and just wanted to enjoy it for what it was. Then we realized the space was actually too much and would reinforce our fears and keep it from going anywhere, so we made an intentional decision to stop doing that. After 3 months we were all in. A crisis threw us together about month 6, and it’s been totally locked in since then.

          For me, the decision to try came when I realized I was hiding. Staying solo wasn’t actually giving the other side a chance! I was intellectually thinking about whether or not I wanted to be in a relationship (and mostly deciding no). I wasn’t exploring being in relationships at all, so that side really had no chance of winning. As long as it felt like I was just taking a break — working on myself, building a good solo life, thinking about what I wanted and needed — it was a good thing. When I realized I was hiding, I wanted to at least stretch that side of me. Take a risk and give it a real shot to find out.

          However, there was little point in going down that road until I’d done a lot of work on me. I had to resolve a bunch of crap! And I had a lot of help. Until I learned to be less defensive and more accepting of myself as I am, failure was all but inevitable.

    5. Dan*

      I don’t think it’s an either/or. My advice is to always get/be happy with yourself, and then take it from there. If you’re single and miserable, then you won’t be much to date, so the odds of changing the “single” status aren’t that great. Happy people are attractive, single or not.

      I know for me, on a daily basis, I don’t *want* to share my living space with others. (It’s not really a hell no, but I come home from work to peace and quiet, and wake up to peace and quiet on the weekends. My dirty dishes sit in the sink as I long as I want. Why would I give that up?) Plus, I have a bit of a sleep disorder, and with the hours I work and am home, lots of people are in bed by the time I get done with work, and would be out the door long before I get up in the morning.

    6. AnonForThis*

      I think maybe it’s time to pause on dating and figure out what you really want. I stopped dating for a year to focus on finding happiness in my life. I came to the conclusion that finding the right partner isn’t guaranteed so I should do everything in my power to find happiness alone. I was content to possibly have a child on my own because I was tired of “waiting to find my husband”. Ironically, when I stopped stressing about being single the rest of my life, I met my now husband and we have 2 kids. I can’t tell you if you want a partner/kids or not, but perhaps focusing on the parts of your life that bring you joy will help you find peace with your life instead of feeling pressure from others to “find the one”.

    7. Batgirl*

      I think your attitude sounds really healthy actually! Prioritising yourself, having fun dates…those are good things. Don’t give up the fun of being single unless you meet someone who sounds like they’d be even more fun. How can that person possibly be pictured in advance? I had a few friends who were so driven to meet a partner by a certain deadline, if they had a date that didn’t go anywhere it was considered a time waste…so every one of them is now married to an arsehole. I think your approach sounds independent and choosy.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      I think when people decide they want a partner just on principle, that’s a setup for all kinds of very bad, unhealthy relationships. It’s also pretty disrespectful to the potential future partner, because it makes them into a unit filling a designated role, rather than a 3-D human being to potentially have a mutual relationship with.

      It’s perfectly normal – desirable, even – to be content single. It’s also normal to think you *might* want more, but at this point you don’t have any prospects in view. Neither of those things are a sign of personal dysfunction at all.

      Just enjoy yourself. Go out on dates, or not, whatever you feel like. See people more frequently, or not, based on how much you enjoy their company and whether being with them makes you happy.

      Having “a partner” is not a recipe for a happy life. Being with the right partner for you is going to have ups & downs, but net positive. Being with the wrong partner is going to have ups & downs but net negative.

      Those aren’t things you can foresee or plan in the abstract. It’s entirely specific and unique to the people involved.

    9. Nacho*

      I feel the same way. People are nice, but I just can’t imagine living with one of them full time, sharing my finances with them, making big decisions with them, etc….

    10. Not So NewReader*

      It’s through our friends we make decisions about what is important in a partner. We also learn how to manage LTR through our friends. I read this recently and it knocked me right over. So obvious yet not obvious at all.

      I would like to point out that you are not stagnant here, you are growing and you are changing. You show it right here in your post.

      One thing that people don’t talk about much is that even when we do partner up life goes on. This means writing budgets, building a career, planning meals and all that mundane stuff we do. LTRs/marriages are a PART of life, you are still on a journey. People speak of marriage or long term commitment as a destination. But destination makes it sound like life stops and that is not true. Even with a partner you’d still journey onward.

      Every setting in life has its advantages and disadvantages. Greener grass and all that. My suggestion is to look for opportunities in your current setting. Do things that you may not do if you had a partner to consider*. Then if that time in the future comes where you have found this person, again, look for opportunities that have opened up for you because you have this person.

      *So I have been on my own a while now. I can do things like suddenly volunteer to help at an event tomorrow. I don’t have to ask someone if they had anything planned. I wanted to loan out a piece of yard equipment the other day. I don’t have to stop and ask if he needed that machine this week. I saw X at a tag sale. Damn! I really liked it. I bought it! When I was married I had to consider my husband, is this thing too big, too ugly, too whatever in his mind? (I was always amazed at what he considered “ugly”.)
      I am not saying I minded taking him into consideration as I went through my day. I did not mind. But I do enjoy making my own decisions without having to factor in what someone else is doing/thinking/wanting.

      I’d like to point out that if you feel uncertain or if you have other stuff you’d prefer to deal with, then it is VERY WISE not to commit to someone yet. You actually do know yourself and you do know what is best for you to do.

    11. Nita*

      I found out the hard way (by trying to shoehorn myself into relationships several times) that I would much rather be alone than with someone I’m not absolutely mad about. Maybe that’s just as well… I wonder, if it was easier for me to get close to people, if I’d have married some Mr. Wrong years before I had the chance to meet Mr. Right.

  49. Mimmy*

    TMI Warning: Some female health talk

    Had my routine gynecology exam on Wednesday and was seen by a nurse practitioner. I knew this ahead of time and it seems pretty common in gynecology because I saw an NP years ago too.

    But, it got me wondering what *exactly* is a nurse practitioner. I’ve never understood how they are different from a doctor, aside from not having an MD. Aside from an unusually painful pap smear, nothing unpleasant or inappropriate happened. She did tell me I’m in menopause – I think I’d much rather hear that from a doctor.

    Also, if something concerning shows up, I’d been seen by a regular doctor, not the NP, right? Because she said if my pap results come back abnormal, the NP would be contacting me. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate for an actual doctor to call?

    My original appointment was in early July with my normal gynecologist but I had to reschedule due to work, and I didn’t want to wait another three months to be seen. I think next time I’m going to insist on a regular doctor.

    Please tell me I’m overreacting!

    1. WellRed*

      It makes sense for the NP to call because they are the one who saw you. If there’s an issue, you’ll be referred for follow up testing ( biopsy) with dr. I think you’re overreacting but I also think its ok to prefer to be seen by a dr, which you obviously do. Mammos and other testing are also done by non physicians.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Actually, I often prefer a NP to an MD. They are often more available, less rushed, and more helpful — I simply get better care from them and can build a better relationship with them. There’s often not a big advantage to a “real” doctor except on the paperwork or tricky things. (That’s not to say I don’t like doctors. When I needed a neurosurgeon, obvs I wanted the top guy. But my NP was great and got me through the earlier stages with a lot more attention and care than my PCP did.)

    3. fposte*

      I think if doctor vs. NP is important to you, you should absolutely stick to seeing a doctor (though as you’ve found that will mean scheduling is trickier).

      That being said, NPs are highly qualified health care professionals, up to and including the ability to write prescriptions and see patients in independent practice in some states. While the specifics will vary a little bit by state licensing requirements, they generally have additional certification on top of a post-graduate degree. In areas where I don’t have specialized conditions I’m fine with an NP rather than a doctor (they’re an urgent care standard around here, and that’s fine by me), and where I do have a specialized condition, I could still prefer an experienced NP to a less experienced doctor.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Right now, a Masters degree and license is required (in the USA). The plan is for all NPs to be required to have a doctorate sometime in the future.

        NPs focus tends to be on wellness models (promote wellness vs just treat the sick). As such, they tend to have longer appointments with patients (some practices don’t allow this, however).

    4. valentine*

      I don’t recall the difference, but I think you just didn’t click with this person, especially because of the pain, and maybe you weren’t happy to be informed about the menopause, or didn’t care for her delivery or what have you. And you can certainly avoid her in future. But if there’s a need for a gyn to see you, you can trust an NP or a nurse will say so. You can always ask what the office protocol is, but aim for curiosity, not suspicion. A NP did my Paps for many years and I specifically chose her for my appointments because it was bad enough without going to a random stranger each time.

    5. Kate Daniels*

      I always see a nurse practitioner for gynecology exams! I like her a lot more than previous doctors I’ve had.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I do, too. I’ve seen the same nurse practitioner at my OB-GYN office for, like, the past 10 years. She’s great, patient, thorough, and a whole lot easier to make an appointment with. Since she works in the same practice as the doctor who diagnosed my cervical dysplasia and performed my LEEP procedure, and then delivered my daughter, I know that she’ll immediately send any of my results to the doctor if necessary. But I love my NP!

    6. Acornia*

      An APRN (Advanced Practice Nurse, which includes nurser practitioners, nurse midwives, nurse anesthetists, etc.) has more training than a “regular” nurse. Most RNs have a bachelor’s degree in nursing. An APRN will have a masters or doctorate. They have more ability to examine, diagnose and prescribe than an RN. Specifics depend on your state. In some states, they can practice independently, in others, they practice “under” a physician.

      1. Kuododi*

        My state is one where NP has to be “under” the physician. Apparently here they don’t have to work in the same physical location as the DR. The NP just has to have a consultant/supervisor style relationship with the Dr where they meet regularly for feedback on the NP cases.

    7. catsaway*

      A NP is a nurse who has a masters or PhD degree. That masters or PhD includes more medical education and clinical hours. I prefer NPs for primary care. Compared to doctors, NPs have to have more time spent with patients – if they got a Bachelors of Nursing they had to do clinical starting their junior year of undergrad, compared to doctors who don’t do official clinical hours until their 3rd year of medical school (so 4 years later) and they would have been doing direct patient care since they were about 22. Depending on the state they may have to work with an MD or they may be able to practice independently and write prescriptions. For anything more complex and NP would need to refer you to a specialist MD but your GP would do the same thing. However, if you want to see the MD doctor then you can insist on that.
      Since the NP is the one who saw you, it makes since that they’d be the one to call you if there was anything unusual about a Pap smear. Also, what I’ve always been told is that 1 abnormal Pap smear just means that they check you 6months or 1 year later, as opposed to the 2-3 years between Pap smears that is normally recommend.

    8. Lost in the Woods*

      I’m going to give a slightly different take:

      The big difference is length of training; NPs can be certified with a Master’s in Nursing, which is about 2 years, while all doctors have an absolute minimum of 5 (4 years of med school, at least 1 year of residency to be licensed to practice as a GP), but the vast majority have at least 7 (including internal med and family physicians). Granted, NPs must have an RN first, so they’re not coming from nothing. Since medicine is regulated nationally and NP is regulated state-by-state, you also might look in to your state requirements for NPs. Some states are fare more rigorous than others. The upshot of this is that in general new NPs have up to 10 times fewer clinical hours of training in treatment than fully licensed physicians.

      There’s a big controversy in medicine right now between physicians and “midlevels” (primarily NPs and physicians’ assistants) regarding how much autonomy of practice midlevel practitioners should have. There is a major difference in both length and depth of training. The description I’ve seen is that NPs are great treating routine things but are not as thoroughly trained to be able to spot “unicorns” – unusual health issues. There are also no bad medical schools in the US, but there are subpar nursing programs. Then again, many people prefer interacting with NPs because they come from a different training tradition that often better emphasizes warmth and bedside manner. Whether or not you feel comfortable with being treated by NPs in general (and this one in particular) is absolutely up to you. There are legitimate reasons to prefer a physician, especially if you have a personal or family history of an unusual medical condition.

      1. Acornia*

        From what I’ve seen, the “controversy” is more of a territorialism from the doctor’s trade groups than anything. The AMA (and similar specialty organizations) are *trade groups* that are out to protect their members’ business interests. So they spend quite a bit of time trashing and lobbying against all other providers that threaten their stronghold. This is happening in the “court of public opinion” and in state and federal legislatures.

      2. blackcat*

        FWIW, I have a few “unicorn-ish” medical things, and all were found by NPs, not doctors. NPs often schedule longer appointments (at my doctor’s office, it’s 20 min instead of 10), and so I’ve been less rushed and more able to explain things.
        Now NPs generally won’t *treat* unusual conditions, but in my experience, I’ve been brushed off by doctors while NPs have said “Hmmm, that seems odd. It could be something unusual. Lets run X basic test and set up a specialist appointment.”

      3. ..Kat..*

        Just a clarification: all NPs have at least a Masters in Nursing. (See my comment above). But not all nurses with a Masters in Nursing are NPs.

        NPs are licensed, not certified.

    9. Mimmy*

      Wow, so many helpful replies, thank you all!

      I can see now why many of you prefer NPs over physicians. I get the sense that physicians have a lot more professional obligations than just seeing patients, especially those affiliated with major hospitals or medical schools–research, publication, participation in professional associations. So, less time for patient care.

      I think I just didn’t click with this particular NP. She wasn’t mean or anything but I’ve had better connections.

      1. Kuododi*

        I get it… Personally I have no need to be best friends with my health providers. I do have a couple of deal breaker rules. 1. Be very good at your job.
        2. Don’t talk to me as if I were the village idiot.
        3. Keep an administrative/support staff who is very organized and able to keep billing, med records, appointments etc on target so I can be ready to go.

        Hope this helps!!!

        1. Slartibartfast*

          4. Address what I made the appointment for, and don’t get fixated on some other problem that is already under control.

    10. big X*

      This comes down to if you want an MD, you should insist on the MD. If the title matters and that’s how you will trust the health information being conveyed to you, then please do so. Right now, it sounds like you don’t trust the NP’s knowledge and that’s fine but they are trained and qualified to see patients in their specialty.

      Also: if you saw Person1, Random Person2 would not call you. The healthcare practitioner who saw you will always be the primary contact for conveying health information to you.

    11. Courageous cat*

      Personally I do think you are overreacting. They wouldn’t let an NP treat you in this capacity if they weren’t capable or didn’t have the training to do so.

      I wouldn’t want one performing surgery on me but I think they’re more than capable of doing a pap smear and making a common diagnosis in the same way a doctor would.

    12. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m a little biased because my sister is an NP, but I will join the chorus saying that it’s probably just that you didn’t click with this person and not their rank, so to speak. In the UK I don’t think I have ever seen an actual doctor for this kind of test so I think it may be a peculiarity of the US that MDs often do them.

      Anyway, in my sister’s case she has a bachelor of science in nursing and was a practicing RN before she decided to level up and get the MSc. I don’t know how her training compares to a MD or PA but she has prescription authority and makes her own referrals for tests and such for most of the things she deals with. She consults with the doctors in the practice but I don’t think they have to sign off on her work or anything like that.

    13. Nita*

      In my gyn’s practice, the NP does almost everything the doctor does, except some medical procedures. I do wonder how different their training is, though – several times, they gave me completely contradictory advice and recommendations. Weird.

    14. Lilysparrow*

      I will give you your wish – you’re overreacting.

      I think your negative experience was about the fact that you have a pre-existing relationship of trust with your regular doctor. This NP was a stranger. I think having your exam and getting sensitive information about your health would have been just as unsettling with a strange OBGYN as with this NP.

      It’s very common where I live for MDs or OBGYNs to be in practice with NPs, and for people to have an NP as their primary care provider for routine visits.

      When I lived in another state where CNMs were licensed, I had a certified nurse midwife for all my GYN care, as well as Prenatal & delivery. She was fully qualified to do everything short of surgery or high-risk pregnancies.

      I would expect that the NP who did the smear would be the one who would call to report abnormal results, but if an escalation in treatment was needed, it would be taken over by an OBGYN at some point. I don’t know what the protocol is, but I’d guess if they just want to repeat the pap or do other screening tests first, the NP might well be the one ordering or performing them. But if it was confirmed abnormal, you’d get bumped up to the MD at that point.

      But of course, if you’re more comfortable with your own doctor, or an MD, then you should ask for the provider you want.

      As a side note, I’m getting to the age where I’m inclined to congratulate you for making it to menopause. I’m pretty ready to be done with this wierdness (though I’ll probably have mixed feelings when I get there.) But hey, thumbs up & good on ya from us still stuck on the wrong side.

  50. Crocheted familiar*

    Critically Role thread! It feels like a while since we’ve had one of these and I see our mini Critter community here growing a bit, so here’s a thread for that.

    Possible discussion points (but feel free to leave these behind and just enthuse/discuss):
    – favourites
    – That Time When
    – Sam’s shirts/outfits
    – Did You See That Fanart of _____, It Was So Good
    – the many Frumpkin forms (but he’s always a cat really)

    2. Smol Book Wizard*

      hullo! I have been longing for this on some level, and I just finished my summer fieldwork so I am in good Nerding form. Unfortunately I did not get to watch the latest episode (the liveshow) but will hopefully fix that Monday. I need me some more Emotions.

      Critrole topics:
      – I have noticed some drama on Tumblr about our Absent Friend from the M9; some folk think that the fandom obsesses over him, especially considering the length and permanent appearance of his absence. I find myself grieving oddly over him because his story was so obviously unfinished – it is the most *realistic* feeling story demise I’ve ever encountered, his plot arc was *not* resolved, we do not know the many secrets he could have shared now that everyone else is getting Deep Backstory reveals.
      – Do you think Nott will go back to living with Yezza and Luke? Part of me thinks oh, she should, they love each other so, but also – she’s discovered a huge world out there, she seems to be struggling with the idea of leaving it.
      – It’s terrifying to think how close we came to losing Fjord during the battle with the Laughing Hand. He’s not my favorite, but I still don’t want him dead.
      – I definitely didn’t think at the beginning that I would like Beau so very much by this point. I love her arc dearly, how she is working tooth-and-nail on becoming a better person, but being as blunt and snarky and brash as she always is. I’m also interested in where her relationship with Dairon may go, and where each of them might end up being as a result of their connection with the other (hopefully not in the Bright Queen’s jail).
      – Speaking of that particular eligible establishment, any ideas about the Scourger? I think I would have combusted with a soft puff if it had turned out to be Astrid; I was twittering on the sofa with the volume turned up during that scene. I’m still curious.

      1. Crocheted familiar*

        There are indeed Emotions in the live show. You won’t be disappointed.

        – I’ve seen some of that too. Quite frankly, I think people are being a bit uncharitable. Just because we still like him after all this time doesn’t mean we don’t like the others. In some ways, I think the very nature of his cut-short plot lends itself very well to fanfiction, so he might be over-represented there, but it’s not like he’s the only person anyone ever focusses on. Everyone else features prominently in fanart/fanfic/other fanworks too. The Absent one is only a tiny part of the art reel now. I personally would love to have him back, but I also love the New Friend and I don’t love the Absent one to the exclusion of the others, like I’ve seen suggested. It’s perfectly possible to like them all. And I definitely know what you mean about his ending – it was so abrupt and cut short and I’m very much ‘but BACKSTORY!’ and I hope we get it at some point, maybe after the end of the campaign. He clearly had so much to discover about himself and I want to know it. That said, the Yasha thing in the LH episode is the first and only time I’ve been glad he wasn’t around. It would have been so much worse emotionally if he had.
        – I think once Nott is herself again she’ll go back. She’s discovered the world, yes, but she’s also spent most of her time away trying to get back to them, and when Yeza was with them she didn’t seem like she didn’t like having him around. She wanted to stay with him. I think she’ll be more of a partner than a helper in their alchemy now though, and she’ll feel able to protect them, and there will definitely be more exploding crossbow bolts in her future.
        – Fjord and Beau’s friendship gives me life and I love them both, Beau especially. She’s such a disaster lesbian and I feel a lot of kinship with disaster queers. I hope Dairon doesn’t screw up what the MIX are doing or make people suspicious about them.
        – I saw a theory that it wasn’t just the Scourger talking to Caleb in that scene and it was Ikithon too and I’m not sure whether I believe it but I definitely think we’re coming up to having to deal with Caleb’s past sooner or later. For theories, I have few. I just hope that Caleb asking Essek to delay doesn’t mean she escapes and reports back. I don’t see that going well at all.

  51. Karyn*

    So I took the bar exam this week! I’m pretty sure I failed, but that’s totally fine – I got dumped in June and had to move out of the apartment I shared with my ex, and I had a lot of health issues, and work got overwhelming because of all of that. But I can always retake it. It’s good having the actual experience at any rate. It was, however, EXHAUSTING. Like, I had no concept of how tired I would be. I slept all day yesterday and then went out for drinks and dinner with a friend. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done – not just the material but the experience.

    However, I have a ton of work to catch up on now – I run my own paralegal business, and I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. My mom is one of my clients and she just keeps piling stuff onto me… and I have no idea how to get caught up. I just feel like there’s no way to do it all, even if I worked 24 hours a day for 3 days straight. it’s not HARD work – scanning/saving/emailing paperwork to her clients – but it’s so tedious and there’s SO MUCH of it. Any tips for how to handle this? I’ve tried asking her to slow down, but she just keeps bringing stuff into my room/office and going, “Here you go!”

      1. valentine*

        I was going to say put her on pause, but this is better, especially if you’re living together. Can you hire a temp for any pending items for other clients? Take a sabbatical or as close to one as you can afford, starting with no new business.

        I’m glad you made it.

      2. Karyn*

        I wish I could but I only have two clients and she is the one who pays most of my bills. I prioritize her work because of this, and usually it’s more than manageable and she’s a great person to work for. But right now it’s so backed up, I can’t seem to get caught up. So, firing her isn’t a thing that will work. I need other options.

    2. Agent J*

      I think you should set and be clear about your work boundaries with your mom. That can mean only working for her X hours a week or month, or something similar.

      It also sounds like you live with your mom? If so, I would also set up something like office hours and procedures like you would for your other clients, i.e., we only talk about work from 9am – 5pm and all inquiries must be submitted via email / incoming box / on my desk and I will respond in 1-2 business days. It will feel awkward but you might need a bigger line between Work For Mom and Live With Mom.

      1. Karyn*

        It’s usually not this bad – but she went with me to the exam and so she’s also behind which means I’m behind. As I said above, usually she’s great to work for – but it’s like she’s gone full on crazy right now, and I just can’t seem to get back to being on top of everything. She’s also been doing the passive-aggressive thing where I tell her I can’t do any more and she sighs and goes, “Well, I guess I’ll just have to figure it out.” I get paid a flat rate for one of the parts of her work (basically she outsources one of her clients to me), and it’s decent money, but the problem with a flat rate is that it doesn’t seem to equal out to what it should be if it were hourly.

        1. WellRed*

          So, I’m thinking you need a little vacay after taking the exam. Then, you need to renegotiate your rates. I’ll take you at your word she’s usually great to work for, but frankly, I find that hard to believe.

        2. Dancing Otter*

          Flat rate, as in the same pay for eight hours or eighteen? Nope, nope, nopitty nope. Time to renegotiate.
          You can say, “When we agreed to this amount, I was expecting the tasks to take about X hours per week (or day or month). You’re giving me so much to do that it’s taking more than Y hours. Either we change to an hourly rate, or I will do as much as I can in X (or maybe X +10%) hours. How do you want to proceed?”

          1. Bagpuss*

            Can you time record for a short while, so you can say to her that a specific piece of work has taken x hours ?
            And then renegotiate from there, either to start charging on an hourly basis or honing the flat rate so it more accurately reflects what you are doing (e.g. $xx to draft documents of 1-10 pages, $xx to draft dominent of 11-25 pages, or whatever makes sense for the type of work you are doing)

        3. Not So NewReader*

          When she says she will just have to figure it out, why not go with that. “Okay, mom. Whatever you can work out.”

          I don’t do well with P-A behavior. So I would just take a straight read on that statement because a straight read can be very annoying in its own way. “Okay, good, mom. Thanks for understanding. I do appreciate it.”

        4. Pippa*

          If it is flat rate work, get a good temp for the scanning/saving portion of the work to get you caught up and give yourself some breathing room. And maybe have the temp create some email templates for you or other admin templates to streamline the flat rate work. Anything that can be reused makes flat rate work more profitable. An experienced temp could give you other tips to generally manage the admin flow of your legal work. (I am making some assumptions here that since you are taking the bar exam you don’t have a lot of office experience yet; forgive me if I am wrong.) Take care of yourself.

          1. Pippa*

            Hi Other/Original Pippa! I’ve been commenting here occasionally and just realised I have a username twin! To avoid confusion I’ll chang mine a bit in future (although really the world can’t uave too many Pippas!)

  52. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    Has anyone else experienced a problem (tear/strain/other issue) with their Sacroilliiac joint/ligaments?

    About seven weeks ago I went to a workout class for the first time after months of long, long work hours and while I know and trust the instructor, there was a new movement involving twisting that, as soon as I did it, I knew something was wrong. I have a looonnnggg history of twisting = bad pelvis problems. Since then I’ve had a painful, sore upper area above my right buttock, and PT after review noted it was the SI joint, inflamed. Got some exercises and acupuncture but have only been to see the PT twice.

    Unfortunately this is getting worse by the week – I walk 40 minutes each way to work (there is no other way to do this, trust me, that doesn’t involve a least 25 minutes walking one way or another) and after yesterday I was in awful pain on the way home, not just from this throbbing SI joint, but to offset the gait and pain, my left knee is now pissed off and not cooperating. Today I’ve been laid up all day in bed icing, wrapping up knee, and just giving everything a chance to calm down.

    Has anyone else experienced this? How long did recovery take? I plan on calling insurance on Monday about seeing a doctor on this now too because damn if this isn’t interfering with life. And the first few weeks it was actually not that bad, just a bit stiff!

    1. acmx*

      I have but not to the level you’re experiencing. I used an SI belt and that provided some relief.

    2. names*

      Gahhh I’ve had SI joint problems my whole life, and I’m finally in a decent spot. Find a PT who does dry needling and specializes in the pelvic area. My PT was/is life changing. Before her, I had regular issues, immobilizing me for days at a time.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        All the conventional back wisdom says you should be up and walking! but man for this.. I’m not so sure thats the best idea.

        Re: dry needling, how often do you have that done?

        1. names*

          For me, sitting or standing still is the worst when I’m bad. For example, if I go to a concert and stand still for too long, I can flare up and sort of freeze my SI joint/innominate/glutes! For the first time in years, though, I can live sort of like a normal person. But, I go to PT as needed (just went this week and got needled) and run marathons/do strength training/etc. For me, once I got in a decent spot, my PT taught me near-daily movements to keep my body happy – lots of simple core work and hip/glute “activation” movements. Hope this helps!!

          1. names*

            Oh, and I didn’t do any twists for over a year as I worked on healing. Feel free to email me if you have more questions! I’ve learned so much!!

    3. Nerdgal*

      I have had sacroiliitis for years. A cortisone injection directly into the joint is painful initially but really helpful in the long run. The best long term treatment I’ve found is Pilates. I urge you to try it.
      Also, if you decide to treat with NSAIDs then ask your doctor about taking Prilosec. I didn’t and I ended up with a serious case of iron deficiency anemia because of stomach bleeding.

    4. MMB*

      Ice. Lots of ice! I started having trouble with my SI last summer. It’s finally starting to sort itself out, but I can still wind up very stiff and sore if I don’t sleep with a pillow between my knees or sit for too long. My osteopath recommended core exercises, adjustments and ice.

      It sucks, sorry you’re having to deal with this.

    6. Alex*

      Ugh, yes. I used to have such horrible SI joint pain. It was AWFUL.

      It actually hurt for years. The first year was the worst–it would get to the point where I literally could not move. I would be frozen in the middle of my living room, unable to walk. I would eventually manage to shuffle to the couch and lie down.

      I tried the chiro, physical therapy, and got a referral to a physiatrist who recommended that I get some kind of procedure where they burned the nerve. I actually decided against that because it made me nervous, but was still in pain for quite a while.

      And yes, twisting and back bends (which are both part of my beloved yoga practice) were triggers. I stopped doing those moves that were particularly bad.

      The things that eventually helped were 1. getting a new, firmer bed and 2. acupuncture. I have no idea how acupuncture works but it really did help me. I only went to about 5-6 sessions and was able to discontinue. I am now about 75% pain free (fingers crossed) and am able to be more active than I have been in years.

    7. German Girl*

      Can you ride your bike to work?
      I had this problem recently and while walking made it worse, biking didn’t.
      Also, if icing doesn’t bring relief, try heat instead. For me, a combination of less walking, doing the PT-excercises and a bag of hot cherry stones on my lower back did the trick.

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Thanks everyone for the advice – the last three weekends I was still able to get to the pool for a light workout but also take advantage of the hot tub and, even better, the cold plunge pool. I dont think thats going to happen this weekend, which is sad.

      I was hoping to start proper pilates this summer too, to help get in shape for my core and to complement swimming sessions so I could join a swim club this fall with the goal of finally going on swimming holidays next year. Physio said if after the next session it was in a better place I could start but I have to get on a plane for vacation in two weeks. At least I am heading home to my parents where they have a lot of hard-won experience in back/hip problems and all sorts of physio stuff, though its a long-haul flight to get there. With enough pillows and legroom it’ll be fine.

      So just keep on keepin’ on I guess, with the ice and exercises. I think the glute bridges that were assigned – a) I think was doing them wrong and b) they were really hurting my quads and left knee so I stopped doing them. The exercises usually result in what feels like a sheet of muscle pain/stiffness/heat on the affected side so I was doing them before bed so I could lay down, take some ibuprofen, and apply ice.

      Unfortunately cycling to work is not an option – I’m in London and live by an extremely busy intersection that scares the bejeebus out of me, I don’t have a bike, and a Boris bike with all its faults/weight is probably not the best option in this state!

  53. Filosofickle*

    I’m pretty new around here, so y’all don’t know me. Tomorrow I was supposed to leave for an amazing vacation with my boyfriend to Norway. Lots of hiking, lots of exploring, lots of fjords! I’ve spent months planning and dreaming. This week I injured my leg and we had to cancel. He’s starting grad school this month so we don’t know when we’ll be able to reschedule. I am SO SAD.

    2. Northern Light*

      Oh no, I’m so sorry. I hope you got your deposits back. Did you have insurance for cancellations?
      I moved to Norway a few weeks ago and it is amazingly beautiful! I hope you will be able to visit next summer.
      Good luck with the recovery!

      1. Filosofickle*

        We should be able to get back the airfare, which was most of the outlay, because I did buy insurance for that and have a doctor’s note. There’s some we’re on the hook for but it’s not bad. I’d never sprung for insurance before and I’ll definitely do it again. Next time I’d get even more coverage. We’ll make it eventually, and we’ve learned so much that re-planning will be easy.

        Norway looks beyond beautiful, lucky you! Have fun exploring your new country!

    3. Reba*

      Oh no, what a disappointment. We did our honeymoon in Norway, so I completely feel how excited you must have been. (While on the Hurtigruten, we met an elderly man from Germany who was traveling alone–it was a dream trip for himself and his wife, who had broken her hip a few weeks before but insisted that he go ahead! He was a charming man in such a bittersweet situation.)

      I hope you are healing well and that your trip can be redone another time…maybe as a graduation thing?

      1. Filosofickle*

        That poor man! What a tough situation they were both in. I hope he found some beauty and joy on the trip. Such a beautiful country, I hope we get to see it.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Maybe do a little language study in the meantime. Duolingo or something like that, to remind yourself it’s coming. Norwegian & Swedish & Danish have enough similarities that learning some of one puts you ahead of the curve on the others too.
          And for silly fun, look up the webcomic “Scandinavia & the World.”

  54. OyHiOh*

    Good morning all. Been a few weeks since I posted an actual update and this one is going to be a rollercoaster.

    My oldest was in a theater production that wrapped up the middle of July. It was a doozy of a weekend, with 6 performances in three days, and strike after the last show, and by the end of it all he was completely exhausted and overwhelmed, which led to one of the most epic meltdowns at home that I have ever seen and he’s eleven, so I’ve *seen* some meltdowns with this kid. Took him for a drive, talked, cried, eventually got him home/in bed . . . . . . and then I sat on the porch and melted down myself. Brain went to some pretty scary places but my sister was up late that night anyway so we chatted for a long time and I got through the night. Had a long talk the next morning with the friend I’ve referred to here as Neptune, talked to my therapist, and while I can’t promise I’ll never have another episode like that again, I understand why it happened and have some skills to cope if it does happen again in the future.

    I think I mentioned my late husband’s birthday but if not, Neptune managed to knock this one out of the park. He wanted to get cupcakes for the kids, asked what they like. I told him they like chocolate. To understand this, you have to know that, although Neptune and my husband had been introduced a few times, they didn’t know each other more than “oh, that’s Oy’s husband/That’s Oy’s friend from X community involvement”). And that my husband adored chocolate. If there was a table full of chocolate desserts, he would pick the one with the most kinds of chocolate in it . . . . The cupcakes Neptune showed up with were exactly the thing that Mr Oy would have picked if he’d been standing in front of the display case. Chocolate, chocolate chips, chocolate frosting, and chocolate drizzle. Kids and I put candles in them, made wishes, and ate delicious cupcakes. And then we started planning a party! I’ve been wanting to have a party on or around the first anniversary of Mr. Oy’s death (to have the kind of memorial *he* wanted). Kids and I were feeling pretty good after cupcakes so we picked the date and started brainstorming where to have it, music playlist, food, etc.

    I sat for a photo shoot! So much fun. Trying to capture in one image the Beatles While My Guitar Gently Weeps. A couple people who have seen the final photo say it’s challenging or disturbing without being quite able to say how/why – photographer did a really good job of creating tension and conflict with the angles and pose and it makes me happy to have been able to participate in that project.

    At this point, an update could very easily turn into a “and then we did this! and then we did that!!” travelogue about Neptune, which is a boring sort of update no matter how well written. It’s a study in how a casual friendship ends up walking a very fine line between friendship and relationship. Both our lives are challenging, lots of complicated emotions on both sides and I’m trying to just appreciate what I have/what I’m doing this moment. If nothing else, the past year has taught me that much.

    1. valentine*

      which is a boring sort of update no matter how well written.
      Not at all. I would watch the movie or read the book.

    2. Agent J*

      Good to hear from you, Oy. I’m glad that Neptune is a positive friendship/relationship in your life. As I’ve navigated my own mental health challenges, I’ve learned that having good people in your life to support you and take care of you when you need it is invaluable.

      I hope the party to celebrate Mr. Oy is everything you and your children want it to be.

    3. fposte*

      Oy, I have been so in awe of your handling of your husband’s death, your care for your kids, and your focus on a future as well as a past. Your photoshoot sounds fascinating, and I’m so glad that party was what you wanted.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      Both our lives are challenging, lots of complicated emotions on both sides and I’m trying to just appreciate what I have/what I’m doing this moment. If nothing else, the past year has taught me that much.

      Glad your path has Ups as well as Downs.
      Your last sentence is a beacon as I navigate my own choppy waters. Thank you.

      So much good homespun wisdom on this blog.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      So glad to read a sweet and touching update from you. (I’m at 11 months and 4 days, but who is counting?) I am so in awe of you, what a great mom you are. Meltdowns are good. I think of it as a pressure cooker… if you let the steam out, they do not explode. Sitting on the porch, feeling and being in touch with your emotions? Completely appropriate.

      You are another one of my inspirations and I am sure the celebration will be filled with the warmth and love you show from each paragraph. Hug.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Neptune is a real Rock of Gibraltar in your life. I am so happy for you about this, I know what it means to have thinking people who just. keep. showing. up.

      I found a new definition of courage from watching these people who just keep showing up. Courage is when they know they cannot do a damn thing to fix the mess but they willingly sit beside me while I sort and sort. “I know you will figure out something here,” they’d say. “Can I borrow your confidence as mine seems to have left on vacation,” I would say.
      With that, I decided that courage is when we realize just how small we are and how big the problems are but we just keep showing up and trying in spite of the hugeness.

      So I was outside today patching my driveway. If I try to pull the weeds, the blacktop breaks right up. That driveway is so done and over. A new one will be about 10k. That’s not happening. Courage is standing there with a little bucket of driveway patch and a very long driveway dotted with weeds growing up through it. Tomorrow may look better and I don’t even know it right now. I think I reclaimed some of my own courage through watching others muster their courage. I used up all the patch in the bucket.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Sending you a hug. Sorry about the driveway. I’m looking at houses in the midwest and wonder about frost heave and the impact on driveways… sigh. May it do well for another few years!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Thank you for the well wishes. I am hoping some attempt to do something will stretch it long enough so maybe? I can get it replaced in the future.

          Yeah, those frost heaves are a crap shoot. None one year, next year ten of them. No predicting them. Our roads around here took a bit hit with the frost this past winter.

      2. OyHiOh*

        You know how this started? When Mr Oy was in the hospital, I informed FB that there was free pie at Village Inn on Wed, I was going to be at particular location at particular time if anyone would like to join me. And Neptune said he’d be glad to . . . . . and we sat there for 3 hours while the restaurant turned over after lunch and talked about local politics and the school district. And then proceeded to do that about twice a month for months after Mr. Oy died. Always, he managed to ask about lunch exactly at the times when I needed to get out of my head and think about something greater than myself.

        You patched your driveway. That’s awesome. I can barely think through how to take apart a bed when I move out of my friend’s temporary refuge in about a month or so. Step by step process?????? The brain struggles to cope

        1. Not So NewReader*

          When the time comes and you do need to patch a driveway [or similar task] you will be okay. You will get it. Meanwhile you are doing what is necessary for now.

          Yep the brain does struggle to cope, so much is new and so much feels like uncharted territory. You will work into it. It will make more and more sense. But not today. Okay, probably not next week either. And don’t we all want it to be INSTANTLY better. Think about how far you have come and this is how things will continue to go.

          I like Neptune a lot. These people teach us how to be Rocks. In time, we go on and it becomes our turn to be someone else’s Rock. We have to see it, to get an idea of how to do it. And to get an idea of WHEN to do it, because we cannot be everyone’s Rock. We’ll end up in the ER if we try.

          I call my Rock, my “earthly guardian angel”. Sometimes he ends up laughing at me. “It’s JUST a mouse!!” But other times when it’s important he really gets it. “Yes, I will come in the middle of the night to help you with your sick dog. And I will laugh because the dog is doing better by the time I get to your place.”

          They teach us how to do this stuff.

          2. OyHiOh*

            Strike is clean up and put away. Turn in costumes, turn in/organize props, clean the dressing rooms, take down/put away the sets, clean the theater and public areas (also scrub up the kitchen because theater serves food and won’t be used now until Oct) . . . . 35 kids ranging from 8 to 14 plus a dozen or so adults. Strike took about two hours on top of performances that day. It was an enormous amount and the fact that this kid held it together as long as he did is remarkable

            1. Observer*

              It is. Whoever manages this should have their heads examined, though. This is a totally unreasonable schedule for kids this age. What were they thinking? WERE they thinking?!

  55. Jackalope*

    Sooo…. I have a question about scents. I got married recently (yay!), and both my shiny new husband and I have scent allergies/sensitivities. The tricky part is that they don’t completely overlap. He reacts more to scents caused by chemicals (likely specific ones but since they aren’t all listed on labels [see things like “and natural/artificial whatever” instead of listing them out, not sure). I respond especially strongly to flowery scents and really musky scents. I do enjoy having things smell fruity and am sad about the idea of giving that up completely (it’s one line of scents I don’t react to and nor do the people in my family who react, so those have been safe until now) but will if I have to. However, now that we’re living in the same house and are around each other all the time, scented things that used to be okay for him don’t work because of too much exposure. He has some things that he uses but I can’t manage for myself (for ex a soap that makes my skin dry up, crack, and bleed, so the fact that it smells inoffensive doesn’t help).

    My question here is whether people have any recommendations about products I can use or a relatively simple recipe I could use to make my own. I’m looking specifically for things like lotion and soap (by soap I mean things to get one’s body clean, aka hand soap, body wash, whatever). A liquid soap would be nice if possible. The more natural the better, byt whatever you know as far as specific brands or recipes or whatever. Thanks!

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Basis bar soap (the white one, not the semi-translucent brownish one)—has no fragrance. I’ve been able to purchase it in semi-bulk online but it may be find-able in independent pharmacies. It’s mild but start with one bar just in case it doesn’t work for you.
      Nature’s Gate hand lotion, fragrance free. (There are others on the market. I happened to stumble across this one and liked it. No idea about the other ingredients–I was most concerned about it having NO scent.)

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        My online source for Basis soap (fragrance free) is Vitacost (at vitacost dot com). I found this place many years ago when seeking gummy-bear vitamins made without gelatin for our then preschool-aged child.

        The label on my bottle of fragrance-free hand lotion mentions naturesgate dot com. Thankfully, these days there are many similar products (I just checked Vitacost). I found mine at an independent grocery store attached to my (also independent) pharmacy.

        DHS(trademarked) CLEAR Shampoo (fragrance free) is available from personandcovey dot com.

        Let me know if you also want info on fragrance-free leave-in conditioner for curly hair–I recently found and tried two bought online. For product performance, however, my favorite is a lightly scented one from innersense (innersense dot com). I just don’t use it around sensitive people.

        1. Jackalope*

          Thank you! My hair is incredibly straight so the conditioner is probably not the thing I need, but the other suggestions sound great!

    2. LizB*

      I go to a yearly retreat that’s a super scent-free space, and some things I use there:

      – Dr. Bronner’s Baby Unscented Pure-Castile Liquid Soap (dilute in water for best results)
      – Desert Essence Pure Conditioner – Fragrance Free
      – Trader Joe’s Enrich Moisturizing Face Lotion

      All these have been confirmed as “yep, that doesn’t smell like anything” by several people with various kinds of allergies/sensitivities. Obviously YMMV, but could be a good starting place!

      1. Old Biddy*

        I love scented products but they aggravate my eczema, esp on my scalp. Finding a good unscented conditioner has been more challenging than other types of products.
        I second the recommendation for Desert Essence conditioner, as well as the accompanying shampoo. It’s one of the few unscented types that don’t give me straw hair.
        DHS makes some nice unscented zinc and salicylic acid shampoos if you need to treat dandruff.
        Vanicream soap is very nice and gentle, but unscented Dove is fine too.
        Paula’s Choice and Cerave make nice unscented facial cleansers and lotions.

        1. LizB*

          Agreed, good conditioner is so hard to find unscented! I have curly hair that needs a ton of moisture, and I’m pretty sure a chorus of angels sang down from the heavens when I finally found Desert Essence. Now if I could just find a leave-in conditioner/other lightweight styling product with no fragrance, my hair would be ecstatic. I keep meaning to order some stuff from Jessicurl, they have a few leave-in options with no scent that I want to try, but I always forget to order far enough in advance of my retreat.

    3. Parenthetically*

      We use fragrance-free Dr. Bronners for body wash and hand soap, and Whole Foods carries an infinite number of fragrance-free moisturizers. I like the fair trade shea ones.

    4. Batgirl*

      Bronners is amazing, I won’t buy any other soap or shower gel now because the lather is so luxurious. I use lavender in the evenings, peppermint to wake up and almond when I want to smell like cake. They make rose scented too.
      My fiance is very scent sensitive to both chemicals and natural musks and he finds Chanel Allure aftershave (blanc and original) suit him well. My own Chanel perfume (Chance fraiche – which is neither musky or flowery, it’s citrusy) also passes his radar. Not sure if you can risk an experiment though.

    5. Batgirl*

      Oh! I mix together coconut oil and dead sea salt as a scrub, originally for medical reasons (psoriasis) and it’s hands down the best beauty product I have, my skin is amazing now. Plain Aloe Vera gel is probably the best body lotion you can get.
      I’d also recommend the face cream recipes in Aromatherapy an a-z by Patricia Davis, (you could omit or change the natural scents she suggests) and Neal’s Yard have written good natural beauty books with loads of recipes (Not tried their products though)

    6. Penguin*

      When my dermatologist discovered that I’m allergic to “Fragrance Mix” (plus a bunch of other stuff) she sent me home with a huge list of products that the American Contact Dermatitis Society has determined are safe for me to use. I dug through the list and pulled out the brands that seemed to reoccur a lot, so for what it’s worth you might look for some of these (but note that many of these brands also carry non-hypoallergenic or non-fragrance-free products, so be sure to check the label):

      Shampoo:
      Attitude, Cleure, CLn, Dermarest, DHS, Free & Clear, Magick Botanicals, Neutrogena, Studio 35 Beauty, Tarsum, TrueCider, VMV Hypoallergenics

      Bathroom, Kitchen & All-Purpose Cleaner:
      Dapple, Earth Friendly/Ecos

      Dishwashing:
      7th Generation, Attitude, Dapple, Earth Friendly/Ecos, ECOS

      Laundry Detergents:
      7th Generation, Attitude, Dapple, ECOS, Era, Tide

      Skin Care Soaps\Cleansers:
      Attitude, Burt’s Bees, Cleure, CLn, DHS, Dove, Free & Clear, Magick Botanicals, Studio 35 Beauty, Tom’s of Maine, TrueCider, VMV Hypoallergenics

    7. Booksalot*

      My husband has severe psoriasis, and we both have fragrance sensitivities.

      I buy homemade olive oil bar soap from the local family-owned Greek grocery. If you’re near a city large enough to have distinct cultural districts, I’d explore the ethnic markets.

      For shampoo and conditioner, I recommend Stony Brook Botanicals. They are low-lather, so a bit odd to get used to, but ideal for sensitive skin and completely scent-free.

    8. HannahS*

      If you’re going cheap, The Soap Works’ old fashioned laundry bar is great. If you look at the label, it’s literally just soap (as in, oils that have undergone a chemical reaction to become soap) and glycerine. Nothing else. Sometimes soaps like that can leave you feeling “squeaky” clean, but you can’t get much more natural than that. It is possible to diy liquid soap by grating a bar and dissolving it in (a huge amount) of water, but I’ve read that the texture is kind of mucous-y.

    9. Anonerson*

      My entire family has scent sensitivities, and we all swear by Cetaphil. They have a wide range of products – cleansers, moisturizers, etc.

    10. Jackalope*

      Thank you so much, everyone! We will explore the ideas you gave me and see what works. I have been so despairing recently so this gives me some hope that we might be able to figure this out!

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      For me, the trigger often seems to be the binder that carries the scent…if you think it’s worth testing that idea, try food-grade flavorings. Candy flavor companies sell multipacks of tiny tester sizes.

  56. Anon for this*

    My partner told me this week that he’s been feeling depressed for a while, including sometimes feeling suicidal. On the one hand, this was a relief to hear – he’s admitting that there’s a problem and it means that him being distant/unenthusiastic about well, anything recently is likely connected to that rather than a sign he’s thinking of breaking up. On the other hand, it’s terrifying, I’m scared for him.

    I asked if he would consider going to a doctor for professional help (I can try to support him but I’m not a therapist..), but I think he’s really scared of the idea. (Telling me was a massive deal even though I really should have guessed based on how he’s been acting). He was upset so I definitely didn’t want to push it – but now I’m not sure how best to help. I don’t want to keep bringing it up if he’s having a good day – but I also don’t want to not bring it up and then him get worse or only seek help once it’s a full crisis and he’s tried to harm himself. (I’m also concerned he might be self-harming as he’s been wearing long sleeves even in really hot weather at the moment, and often turning the lights off before getting undressed).

    Any advice is welcome.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      If in the U.S. try National Alliance on Mental Illiness (nami dot org) which has both state and local (town, metro area, county, etc.) affiliates. They offer various support groups, informal classes, and a lot of info on their web site.

      A Google search for “suicide hotlines” brought up multiple resources including a list of international hotlines and the resource website iFred (dot) org.

      Depression can be a bear for both immediate sufferers and bystanders. Take care of yourself as well. Good wishes.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Yes, call a suicide hotline. They’ll have the most appropriate advice for you and your partner.
      Sending you my very best thoughts.

    3. NewNameTemporarily4This*

      Just …. good advice. Do take action. It is very much a call for help that he told you. And a very good thing that he did. (That’s a positive sign).

      My sibling did not. We had no idea that we were missing all the signs, and would give the world to go back and change things now.

    4. New Normal*

      Possibly let him know that if he’s willing to try talking to a professional (doctor, etc) just once, just to see what can be done to fix the chemical imbalance, then you’ll happily do ALL the work – finding the doctor (if you don’t have a GP), setting up the appointment, etc. For me, when I had depression, any task with multiple steps (or, some days, just one) seemed like an impossible mountain. That kept me from getting the help I needed at the time.

      Because I’m a very practical, logically-oriented person with some psych background, it also helped to be reminded that it wasn’t ME, it was badly balanced chemicals messing me up and that helped me see it as something fixable rather than the whole dark hole it feels like.

      I’m sorry you both are going through this. Depression suuuuuuuucks.

    5. Policy wonk*

      Find a doctor that takes his insurance, make the appointment for him, and then take him. The simple steps of getting help can seem overwhelming to a person with depression, and will likely be beyond his ability right now. And I think someone already suggested NAMI – they may be able to give you support and practical advice.

      1. Anon for this*

        Thank you. I’m in the U.K. and I don’t know how well he’ll take me offering to book the appointment but I will try.

        We do have health insurance through work which would likely get him seen quicker/if therapy or w/e is prescribed means he would jump the waitlist, but he doesn’t want to connect it at all with work. (Even though logically it’s all confidential etc etc). Mental health stigma is real :(

    6. YetAnotherUsername*

      I have had depression twice and both times it took someone who loved me to push me to go to the doctor. Book an appointment, drive him there and if you have to go in with him and tell the doctor what he told you. One of the things about depression (for me at least) is that it makes you really not feel like getting better. He needs a push. Antidepressants may well have saved my life. Do whatever you can to get him to go to the doctor.

      1. Curly sue*

        Without hyperbole, the reason I am alive today is because my partner did this when my post-partum depression consumed me. If he had not dragged me in, I would not have been able to do anything except sink. He may not feel like he deserves the doctor’s help or time – that’s an insidious part of the illness that can combine with the apathy to awful results.

    7. Koala dreams*

      You can sit down with him and talk about what he wants from you and what you want to help him with. Does he want to talk about it? Just wants you to know? Wants your support or help? Practical help finding health care and going there together can be good, the health care system is hard to navigate, especially when you are ill. Also, you might look for a support group for yourself, sometimes when a family member is ill it takes a toll on the whole family.

    8. U.A.*

      I’m sorry you’re go through this. I’ve been on both sides and it’s very hard.

      I think the cognitive symptoms really get overlooked with depression, but they’re serious and important because they make it very hard to think through things clearly, make decisions, etc, so that’s just something to keep in mind when talking to your partner. He may be having a very hard time explaining things, problem solving, figuring out how to get from step a to step b even for fairly simple things. So I think it helps to be relatively specific with your questions. ‘Can I do anything to help?’ may be too open ended,
      for example. I think you already know a good question to ask, ‘do you want me to ask how you’re doing or wait for you to bring it up?’ Another good simple one, ‘do you want to talk through it more or would you prefer distractions?’ That answer might be different from day to day. It might also be useful to ask if he’s dealt with suicidal/depressed periods in the past, and what helped him then (this is a line of questioning I was trained to ask when I volunteered at a suicide hotline).

      It’s also worth figuring out what he’s afraid of with asking for help, and seeing if you can help him problem solve through that. A few things one might be afraid of with treatment: feeling overwhelmed and incapable of doing what it takes to deal with the health care system in order to get treatment; not being taken seriously or being misunderstood; accepting that you’re so ‘crazy’ that you need treatment; dredging up and having to deal with painful past memories; getting hospitalized; having medication pushed on you; getting treatment but having it fail and then realizing it truly is hopeless. It’ll be easier to work through the fear if you know what the fear actually *is* — it’s tough to get a foothold in an intangible mass of anxiety.

      Some other thoughts: depression really warps your perception of yourself, and of reality. I can’t promise anyone else would find this helpful, but this is what helps me a little: being reminded that how the depression makes me see myself is not how my partner sees me. Also being reminded that my partner loves me no matter what, no matter how bad or scary my depression is—because in my depressed head, depression renders me utterly unloveable. I also find it helpful to remind myself that even though depression makes it feel like a depressive episode will never end, that every day will be more misery and suffering forever, that I’ve had depressive episodes before that felt like they would never end, but they did. So no matter how much it feels like this one won’t either, it will. This is a really tough one though, because you have to choose not to believe what is essentially your current reality. And it doesn’t really alleviate the suffering, but it does make me feel a little more motivated to get through it and wait for things to get better. I can’t promise it would be helpful for your partner to hear it from you, but that’s my experience. Hope any of it might be helpful.

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        This is very well written and helpful. I know I wasn’t the LW but so true…. thank you.

    9. Quandong*

      I’m so, so sorry you’re in this situation.

      My advice is to immediately seek support for yourself regardless of whether your partner agrees to get help. It’s scary and stressful when one’s partner discloses that they have been feeling suicidal. Being a support person is tough and you deserve care and support of your own to get through this.

      You can call or text mental health hotlines as the partner of a person who has depression, suicidal thoughts, and who may be self-harming.

      Sending internet hugs if you’d like them.

      Here are some crisis resources for the UK:
      https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/
      https://www.centreformentalhealth.org.uk/crisis-contacts

      Mental health helplines, not all of these are crisis lines:
      https://helplines.org/helplines/?fwp_topics=mental-health

  57. Smoky Tumbleweeds*

    I’ve seen a few references to misophonia on this site… we are wondering if our 3yo daughter could have misophonia. Does anyone here with misophonia feel able to answer:
    – at what age did it show up for you?
    – what’s your typical reaction to sounds you hate (emotional/physiological)?
    – what type of sounds seem to mainly trigger it for you?
    – would you describe the hated sounds as causing you physical pain?
    – if you were a 3yo with misophonia, what could your parents do to help?

    We are really concerned, especially since she will start preschool soon, and very normal / common sounds seem to set her off (e.g. multiple people singing at the same time).

    Thanks!!

    1. Cat*

      -I don’t really remember when it started, maybe middle school at the latest?
      -I honestly feel like I am a wild animal and want to attack people. Of course I do not actually do that, but I can just feel my blood pressure rising.
      -Any sort of mouth sound (sometimes even my own), made worse if I feel like it’s something the person could control. Any sort of noise made by fidgeting (the visual of fidgeting sometimes gives me the same effect).
      -I wouldn’t say that the sounds hurt. For me it is very similar to the feeling of nails down a chalkboard, like a bad shiver. I also tend to become very hyperfocused on the sound and not be able to concentrate on anything else. I think the nails on the chalkboard comparison is the best way I can describe it to other people: if someone took your hand and was scraping your nails down a chalkboard, it would feel bad, you would be pissed off, and you probably wouldn’t be able to focus on other things. I know that other people aren’t making noise to piss me off, so I’m not going to flip on on them, but that doesn’t make the feeling itself go away.
      -I’m not sure what could be done to help a three year old. Maybe some kind of headphones?

      For me, I can tolerate sounds much better if I am not already tired/hungry/stressed. It’s really night and day for me.

    2. WellRed*

      There are other conditions that can cause noise sensitivity, like certain sensory disorders. Talk to the pediatrician. I didn’t have misophonia issues as a kid. As an adult, it’s mouth sounds and crinkling of wrappers, packaging, plastic.

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Seconding the part about sensory disorders – and consider asking for a referral to a developmental pediatrician, they are more knowledgable about these kinds of things then the regular pedi.

    3. Mimmy*

      – at what age did it show up for you? I can’t say exactly, I think I’ve had it my whole life, but I’ve always thought it was that I’m easily distracted
      – what’s your typical reaction to sounds you hate (emotional/physiological)? increasing levels of agitation
      – what type of sounds seem to mainly trigger it for you? My list is pretty long: mouth noises, tapping and other repetitive sounds, crinkling of snack bags (e.g. bag of chips) and plastic water bottles, sometimes typing (says the keyboarding instructor…). When I’m feeling particularly overly stimulated, I need almost complete silence. This is what makes me wonder if, as someone else mentioned, I have a sensory disorder in addition to or instead of misophonia.
      – would you describe the hated sounds as causing you physical pain? No
      – if you were a 3yo with misophonia, what could your parents do to help? Be patient

      That’s one thing I love about this site – I’ve learned that I’m not alone in hating so many sounds. When my new internship supervisor mentioned that she has it, I was so happy that I now know someone IRL with it!

    4. Smoky Tumbleweeds*

      Thanks everyone :) I’m grateful for more information. Sometimes it can be hard to know what’s going on with our little person, so I’m always searching for more ways to understand what her experience might be like. She’s pretty articulate, but not always self-aware or self-controlled enough to help us get it.

    5. Anon for this*

      Does she have any other symptoms? Definitely sounds like a sensory processing disorder. See a pediatrician ASAP; best of luck to you.

    6. Merci Dee*

      I can’t tell you exactly how old I was when it started, but I remember always being annoyed by certain sounds.

      Things that are triggers: mouth noises, especially people popping and snapping gum or slurping soup; clicking pens in and out in random bursts (strangely, no problems if it’s a constant pattern because I can quickly pick out the pattern and then basically ignore it).

      Typical reactions are rising feelings of aggression. There was a girl in the cube next to me at work who snapped and popped her gum, and I indulged in a few fantasies about punching her gum and all her teeth down her throat. I occasionally imagine jamming the pen clicker’s pen through their eye. Granted, I would never do any of those things, but it’s a few seconds of quality revenge fantasy before I take a deep breath and ask if the person in question could be more aware and cut back on the noise they’re making. I fully realize that it’s mostly an unconscious habit folks have developed, and they’re not doing it =at= me, so I try to be calm and rational when I ask for their help in reducing the noise so I can concentrate on work.

      I don’t know that I could say the sounds themselves cause physical pain, but they do cause elevated blood pressure, increased tension in my body because the sounds trigger the fight-or-flight reflex and my tendency is to gear up for battle before I make an effort to calm down and discuss rationally.

      Interestingly enough, my mother and my daughter also both suffer from this same aversion to sounds. My mom also gets annoyed by gum chewing sounds (she’ll shoot people dirty looks even if they’re chewing gum quietly, but gnaws gum herself like a cow chewing its cud and sees no irony in this), and my daughter sometimes asks me if I can chew less loudly when I’m eating (no, I really can’t chew bread any more quietly). OCD is prevalent in my family, and there seems to be some link between misophonia and conditions like OCD in the limited research that has been conducted.

      Of course, as others have mentioned, sensory disorders are another possibility, and are a separate kettle of fish.

      1. Arjay*

        One of my triggers is any sound that I can’t readily identify. An intermittent scratching or buzzing is intolerable until I can say, “Oh, that’s the fan blowing against the window shade” or whatever. Even if it turns out to be a sound I can’t stop, knowing what it is helps me control my reaction.

    7. Smol Book Wizard*

      Occupational Therapy apprentice here. Sensory processing and toddlers with quirky responses to things have been my bread-and-butter of life this summer in fieldwork… How does she tend to react to sounds she doesn’t like? Do the reactions begin and end quickly (ie. when the sound happens) or lead to longer-lasting meltdowns? Are there other kinds of sensory stimuli that she reacts strongly to (textures of clothing, textures and tastes of food, bright lights, light touch)?

      1. Smoky Tumbleweeds*

        Hi there!
        When she hears sounds she doesn’t like, she tends to yell and scream, cover her ears, and if it’s bad enough, I think also scratch her face. As far as I can remember, it’s never really led to a longer lasting meltdown, except for once when she and her dad got into kind of a power struggle over his singing. It does, as another commenter mentioned, seem to be worse when she’s tired or already overwhelmed or stressed.

        She reacts strongly to some other things, like some kinds of touch. If it’s relevant, her dad may have some traits from the autism spectrum (although her pediatrician basically laughed when I asked if our daughter might have autistic symptoms), and he is also very sensitive to certain sounds. Aaaand, OCD and anxiety run on my side of the family.

        1. ..Kat..*

          I think you need a new pediatrician. Your daughter is showing definite signs of a problem and he laughs?

          Please get her in to see someone who specializes in sensory processing disorders. A diagnosis will help you get her appropriate treatment. Also, this will help her get the assistance she needs to do well in school.

        2. M*

          My son started OT for mild sensory issues when he was 4. It was the best thing we could have done. They did an incredibly detailed evaluation and then worked with him for a little over a year before he ‘graduated’. The therapist worked with us as much as with him and helped us to understand the things that are challenging for him, how to avoid the avoidable ones, and most inportantly, how to help when confronted with the unavoidable ones. I can’t say enough about the value of occupational therapists and how much our family was helped.

        3. KoiFeeder*

          Boo on your pediatrician, because that sure sounds like ASD. Literally, it’s what I would do when I had sensory-induced meltdowns at that age- except I was a head-banger and not a face-scratcher. Or I’d bite the source of the noise. Get a second opinion!

          I should note that if it’s ASD, the sensitivities to sound might not go away even with OT. I still despise microphone feedback, it’s like being stabbed in the ears, I’m just better at not screaming in pain.

    8. Stormrunning*

      – at what age did it show up for you?
      My first active memories of having a misophonic reaction are from high school.

      – what’s your typical reaction to sounds you hate (emotional/physiological)?
      Physical reaction: nausea! Whatever the noise is, it makes me sick to my stomach. Never to the point of vomiting yet (knock on wood!) but to the point where I’ve had to stop eating because I couldn’t stand it. There are also certain foods I can’t eat because the sound is such a trigger even when I’m the one making it.
      Emotional reaction: I get SO ANGRY. That noise is BAD and whoever is making that noise is, for that moment, my WORST ENEMY.

      – what type of sounds seem to mainly trigger it for you?
      The first and worst for me is what I can best describe as “wet crunching” — think of the sound of someone chewing on medium-done toast. “Dry” crunching (crackers, popcorn) is second-tier, along with lip-smacking.

      – would you describe the hated sounds as causing you physical pain?
      I don’t know if nausea counts as pain, but since you’re trying to suss out reactions from a small child, it probably counts. In any case, it’s definitely bad physical sensation.

      – if you were a 3yo with misophonia, what could your parents do to help?
      Honestly, even as an adult, I’m not sure what would help, aside from trying to eliminate those specific noises. I’ve pretty much had to get by with learning how to pretend I’m not reacting, just put my head down and power through it.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      My eldest had extreme screaming crying freak-out flailing meltdowns about disliked/overwhelming noises at that age, that reduced to more or less ordinary tantrums by about 5-6, and now are just irritability at age 12.

      Her dad & I both have ADHD, and she has many ADH “superpowers,” but it’s not interfering in anything she needs or wants to do, so we’re just going with the flow until such time as it presents as a “Disorder” (if it ever does).

      The main things we did to help her were:

      1) Clean eating. We noticed that every time she had a real humdinger, it was after eating something with artificial food dyes. Getting that crap out of her body really helped turn the intensity down. By school age she could tolerate small amounts, and now we just try to eat 80 percent healthy and don’t worry about it too much. So that was a short-term aid, not a lifelong restriction.

      2) We figured out her triggers and tried to help avoid them, and/or help her learn to name the thing that was causing her the problem, and encouraged her to put words on how she felt when possible. For her it was usually things like singing, repetitive noises like tapping or banging, or hearing a story that was too vivid or emotional a memory. Listening to music is a “sometimes” thing.

      Definitely arguing with her about how she feels, or whether a certain noise is “objectively” annoying or not, isn’t going to go anywhere good. I’d probably flip out too, if I told someone they were driving me crazy with their singing, and they argued with me about it.

      3) We tried to empower her to have as much control over her environment and choices as possible, within the context of being in a family where everyone else has needs & feelings, too.

      So for example, we always let her excuse herself from the table if something was bothering her. We have “common rooms” and “quiet rooms” in the house. If you’re in a common room and someone is singing/making noise, you can ask them if they’d mind stopping, but you can’t scream at them. If you need quiet, you can go in a quiet room.

      The flip side is, there are general limits on what volume and type of noise is allowed in the house at all. As any parent knows, there are inside voices and outside voices. I have definitely put both kids out of the house temporarily to get their screeching out!

      Obviously that’s all a learning process! But it applies now just as well to all sorts of sibling annoyances.

      Good luck! Trust your gut. There are a lot of things at age three that seem extreme, but are more about being three than anything else. Age three is a horror show sometimes, and it’s a wonder any of us survive it.

  58. Kate Daniels*

    Any experienced solo travelers here? I’m taking two international trips in the upcoming year, and it’ll be my first time outside of the United States in many years. I don’t have a SO or friend going with me, so I am looking at booking some day tours with tour companies, which I think should help especially when it comes to transit (not planning to rent a car). How do you plan what to do when you’re visiting another country… do you make all arrangements yourself, or do you use any tour companies?

    1. Jackalope*

      I prefer to make arrangements myself rather than through a company bcs then I can do the things I want to do rather than someone else’s plans for me. I don’t know how you feel about staying at hostels (I loved and adored them when I was younger and find them a bit noisy now that I’m in my 40’s), but they are great for having options to do in the surrounding area and sometimes even planning day trips to go see things. I also like to find b&bs since they are often cheaper than hotels and comfier. Then once I have a place to stay I look through books and figure out what I might like to see and then get the general idea of when, how, and cost. This is certainly something you could do through a day tour; I have found that they often ass in things I don’t want but if you don’t mind that then they can be a good way to go. I also like to give myself at least one day to just wander around town/the countryside seeing whatever I happen to feel like. Fun ideas have included just getting on public transportation and getting off when something looks interesting, looking at a map and finding a place name I was curious about, or just wandering the neighborhood near my lodgings and seeing what I could see.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Thank you so much for these suggestions—I love your idea about hopping on a train with no particular plan in mind, but getting off when something strikes my interest. I probably won’t stay in a hostel, but will likely do Airbnbs instead of hotels.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          It’s been a long time since my backpackin & hostels trip to the UK…but i still highly recommend the train pass that lets you get on & off on a whim.

    2. fposte*

      There are others more experienced than I am, and when I’ve traveled on my own, it’s mostly been in areas that aren’t exactly remote and have plenty of English or French spoken. I’ve done it without tour companies and with, and while it can depend somewhat on the tour company, I think that for day trips they can be a great plan: they relieve you of the mental administrative load for the day as well as handling the transit, and the guides can be quite good. I tend to like a mix of totally independent days and day (or part-day) tours; also worth looking for are hop-on hop-off tours within cities, since they combine flexibility with structure.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Based on your suggestions and those from other commentators, I think I’ll definitely do a mix of completely independent days and days with day or half-day tours.

    3. Agent J*

      I recommend planning a few ideas for day trips or activities before you travel (like things you absolutely want to do no matter what) but leave yourself open to planning things once you’re there. As a solo traveler, you often meet other solo travelers along the way who have good recommendations and recent connections.

      Since you mentioned transit, are you comfortable with public transportation? This is highly dependent on the countries you’re visiting but you should do some research and prepare for the possibilities (e.g., how to get a local train pass, how much cash to keep on hand for taxis, does Uber work in that country, etc.).

      I like making arrangements myself so I start with TripAdvisor and Lonely Planet for initial recommendations and doing deeper research from there.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Yes, absolutely! I rely exclusively on public transit where I live here in the states, so I definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable driving in a foreign country because I don’t drive here!

    4. it happens*

      Really all depends on your level of comfort with ambiguity. I’m all for looking through Lonely Planet and their Thorn Tree forum for ideas. The Atlas Obscura website has all kinds of interesting, extraordinary sites to visit. As well, you can look for guided tours (especially National Geographic, universities and the like) and click through to their itineraries to pick and choose things that seem interesting, without actually taking the tour. I enjoy guided bicycle tours (especially night tours) to see a different side of a city. I have also enjoyed themed walking tours (like an eating-through-a-neighborhood or some-specific-historical theme.)
      I also endorse the hostel idea; I didn’t discover them until I was well out of the college backpacking age range and find the staffs very helpful. The hostelworld app is great for finding/booking. CityMapper is a great app that lets you download the maps and then just use your phone’s gps (no data) to navigate.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Thank you so much for all of your recommendations for websites and apps to help with the planning! I’ll definitely need to incorporate a night tour or two in the places I visit—that’s not something I immediately thought of, but it sounds like a great idea.

    5. Dan*

      I use tour companies if they offer me something that’s logistically hard for me to do by myself. I think I mostly use them for 2-3 overnight trips outside the major areas I’m in. I’m very good with public transportation, so a one-day tour that takes you to all of the museums doesn’t do much for me. That said, food tours are almost always a must for me.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        That makes sense! I’m also good with public transit, so it’s for the trips outside of the major cities that I was looking to turn to tour companies for. Food tours = genius!

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      There are some considerations one must make as a female solo traveller, as I’m sure you’ve thought about. I usually make my own arrangements so I have more control over them, but I like to communicate with locals about stuff to do. I’ll talk with concierges in hotels, for example. I just got back from a solo stay in Martinique, and my air bnb host was really helpful with suggestions for things to do and places to see.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Great advice—thank you! I want to pre-plan some things because my worst fear is wasting the days I’m there trying to scramble and figure out what to do, but I will make sure to leave my schedule for some days flexible so I can ask the locals for their suggestions.

    7. TechWorker*

      I think tours are in general a good plan for the reasons already mentioned – less likely to waste time hanging around for public transport and especially if you don’t know the language or culture well it can be reassuring being in a group! Probably depends where you’re going but I’ve generally found if it’s a place with lots of tourists you don’t need to book ahead too much (so you can show up at a hostel, find out what’s going on and then book something for tomorrow or the day after).

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Since it’s been so long since I’ve traveled, I decided to ease my way back into it and chose a country where they speak English for the first trip, then a non-English country in Europe for the second trip where I think many people do speak English.

        1. Dan*

          Just for the sake of pedantry… Enough English is spoken in major cities all across the world, where as an English-only speaker, the language barrier is rarely more than just a nuisance to me. It’s to the point where I barely even look anymore. For the few times I get into a jam, I’ve found Google Translate to be good enough to get the job done.

          1. TechWorker*

            Also for the sake of pedantry – not everyone travels to major cities (and even then I think saying it’s spoken in all major cities across the world is a generalisation, I had severe communication issues in a Moscow supermarket that eventually ended in a customer queuing behind me shouting ‘surprise!’ repeatedly – I still don’t really know what the cashier was attempting to tell me :D)

            1. coffee cup*

              Yeah, I was in a city in Belgium once that you would have thought was easy enough to get by, but in a shop the assistant and I had to resort to pointing at stuff because she didn’t speak English and my French is non-existent (my fault, not hers, of course!). I don’t think it’s wise to assume English is spoken in major cities. At least go prepared for the possibility it won’t be.

              1. Dan*

                I didn’t meant to suggest that everybody everywhere speaks English. I just meant that by and large, enough people in enough places speak enough English where an English-only speaker can get by and not worry about it too much.

                Things change a bit if say one has allergies or some other such consideration that can have a material impact to one’s health and well being. If that applies, then one needs to “take precautions.” But for me? Situations where I am language challenged don’t bother me too much, and I look at it is as part of the adventure. Yes, there are times where I don’t fully understand what I just ordered, and most of the time, it really doesn’t matter.

            2. toe fungus friday*

              that sounds annoying, and yet hilarious. I wonder what the ‘surprise’ was meant to make you do?

    8. Lora*

      I research the place and see what I would like to do there that I can’t do anywhere else. These things are not often offered by a tour company, or offered in very diluted form (i.e. restaurants that are mid priced or trying to be similar to Western culture, short visits to a place for an afternoon and overnight accommodation similar to a chain hotel, brief demonstration of a thing rather than learning to do the thing).

      Like, in Buenos Aires, I want to book tango lessons with a famous milonguero and taxi dancer, drink alllllll the wine, go to Salon Canning at least twice, and eat bife de chorizo at Don Julio’s. I don’t want to eat a burger and stay at the Sheraton. I’m going to the south of France this year and I’m going to stuff my face with croissants and macarons, go to the observatory in the mountains and do a side trip to San Sebastiano to drink all the cider and eat pinxtos. I’m not planning to eat mediocre burgers and stay in the Biarritz Radisson. But in order for the tours to get good ratings they have to appeal to a broad swath of people, which mostly means not very adventurous: no scary organ meats or unusual seafood on the menu, not too expensive, everyone takes credit cards, air conditioning and a private bathroom with a western toilet and shower in every room.

      It just depends on what you want, I guess, and how you like to travel. One of the huge benefits of traveling solo is, you get to do exactly what you want even if that’s something others might not enjoy. I feel like an organized tour sort of erases that benefit, and it’s no guarantee against being ripped off or anything.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Your trip to Buenos Aires sounds like it was incredible and your upcoming trip to France sounds like it will be just as amazing. I’ll have to try to come up with similarly great plans for my trips!

    9. HannahS*

      For me, if I’m in a city with a solid transit system, I’ll do my own thing, but if I want to go up into the Scottish Highlands, for example, I’ll book a tour. I don’t want to rent a car and drive anywhere. Sometimes I’ll book a tour of a specific attraction (the ghetto in Venice, for example), but other than that I don’t. I think a basic walking tour can be nice though, and I’ve been on them on group trips when I was younger. If you’re spending four hours in Bruges, having a walking tour first really helps you see the place and learn about it.

    10. Llellayena*

      I’ve done one out of country trip (Morocco) and it was with a tour (exodus travels) and it was great. I was able to tack a day onto the tour in the beginning in Casablanca and at the end in Marrakech, both cities where I could handle the public transportation. Depending on your level of comfort with where you’re traveling, you can balance tour length with non-tour days to fill your vacation. I’ve also been fascinated by the Flashpack tours, I’m probably using their Japan tour next year. I think the trick is to use the tours for what they can give you, and do your own thing for the things you want to do that the tour can’t cover.

    11. Bluebell*

      Another fun alternative for day trips/tours is AirBnB. They are usually small group activities and can be really fun. Last summer I was in Puerto Rico and booked five great activities through them – architecture, cocktails, a music night, sailing, and a manatee experience. One got cancelled due to weather but the rest were really fun and I interacted with some other people as part of them. Hope you have a fantastic time.

    1. LizB*

      Check out Aerosoles! Tons of styles, many of them come in wide, and they’re ultra comfy. Kinda expensive but the last a long time.

    2. fposte*

      One person’s “matronly” is another’s “excitingly chunky” :-). That being said, Naturalizer and Clarks have been probably my two favorite brands for wide stuff, though Clarks doesn’t have a particularly exciting lineup this summer, IMHO. I’ve also liked some Aerosoles, but they’re less likely to be leather so you want to make sure they fit right out of the box, as there won’t be stretching.

    3. Jemima Bond*

      If by some lucky chance you are in Britain; Hotter Shoes. Online and there are shops in Chester, London, Kingston, Guildford and doubtless others but those are off the top of my head.
      If not I hope someone else can chime in. Or come to England on holiday with room in your case for shoes!!

      1. SpellingBee*

        Hotter sells in the U.S. also via online, no shops that I know of. I’ve been buying them for years and love them! They make medium width shoes also, which they call “standard.” I find them very well-made and extremely comfortable.

    4. Filosofickle*

      — Many European shoes are C width, so if you’re only a little wide try those (Børn, Romika, Sofft)
      — Sam Edelman has some really cute ones. I just got the softest loafers from them!
      — Earth. Lots of them ARE matronly but they do have some cute ones. Their wides tend to come in two kinds — barely wide and huge — so it takes a bit of trial and error.

    5. Policy wonk*

      Look for shoes on line. Many shoes are available in wide widths – just not in stores. Zappos.com is one of my go-to sites.

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        Hardcore seconding Zappo’s. I have very wide feet and a serious shoe habit… as in, if a week goes by and I don’t get a package delivered, the Receptionist asks if I’m feeling OK. I just plug in whatever variables (size, width, style, color, etc.) and find tons of options.

    6. MOAS*

      I just bought a pair from Torrid. It’s a plus size ship so while I can shop for clothes at most places finding an 8-9w is difficult. They had lots of cute pairs though!

    7. Dr. Anonymous*

      Blondo, Ros Hommerson, Rockports. Take a look at Maryland Square to scout out more brands. I got some fabulous red suede hiking boots from them once in a D width.

    8. foolofgrace*

      I don’t know where you are but if you’re near a store called The Walking Company, it’s worth a trip. I injured my ankle years ago and had my ankle fused so it doesn’t bend and this store has been a godsend. They have wide widths in shoes too.

  60. Can I get a Wahoo*

    My cat gets really nervous when she can’t see me. She flows me from room to room, crying, and even when we’re in the same room if I’m not petting or playing with her, she’s doing something destructive that she knows I don’t like (scratching the couch when there’s a perfectly good scratching post next to it, chewing cardboard, etc.) How do I get her to chill out? I’ve gotten a few enrichment things to hopefully help her entertain herself (a few climbing/scratching posts, cat tv, automatic motion toy) but as soon as I set her up and try and do something else she’s immediately distracted and the cycle starts all over again.

    1. tangerineRose*

      Would it help to get another kitty so she has a friend to hang out with? Not all cats like other cats, so that could be tricky, but that helped me when my young cat was following me around the house a lot.

      Feliway might help.

      1. Kittens Kittens Kittens*

        Came here to suggest Feliway.

        I wouldn’t get another cat – that may cause more not less stress.

      2. KatieKate*

        I was told by the adoption agency she doesn’t like other cats so I have chanced it yet, but I also think me showing another cat affection won’t be the best move lol

        1. tangerineRose*

          That makes sense. Yeah, I wouldn’t get another cat since she doesn’t like other cats.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Ask a veterinarian for advice to rule out a physical problem. Then look into behavioral advice from cat experts.
      Hope you have a solution soon.

      1. tangerineRose*

        This is a great idea. Cats who aren’t feeling well tend to hide it, and it’s always good to check on the kitty’s health when there’s a behavior issue.

    4. New Normal*

      My girl-cat had pretty bad anxiety when we got her as an adult and I strongly suspect it wasn’t without cause – there’s clues her previous house wasn’t a great one. It hit the point where I couldn’t even move around much without her stressing out so finally I rigged up a sling with a wide scarf and carried her around in it while I did chores. I only had to do it for a few days before she hit the point where her need for autonomy beat out her need to be glued to me. I made sure it was a positive thing for her – as soon as she fussed I’d let her down and she really was happy being stuck with me at first. She still has times she wants to be held but it’s been far less since then and she’s far less anxious. We were also careful, during those early days, not to move too quickly and to have regular play times.

      Since your cat is motivated by attention, you might have to see how completely you can cat-proof one room (anti-scratch sticky pads on couch, removing cardboard) and then just ignore her when she tries to act out. As soon as she stops and does what she’s supposed to, praise her and pay attention for a bit. It’ll probably mean some shredded papers but cats are smart and usually figure things out quickly.

      For our kitten, who doesn’t need much attention but can be destructive, the key was play-eat-groom-sleep. I’d play with her a bit, give her some treats, and then she’d start grooming and that was my time to escape a bit. Sometimes she’ll nap, other times she’ll fight it and bother boy-cat for a while, but usually the energy expenditure and food triggers a calm period.

      Feliway never seemed to do too much with my cats but the main room is large with high ceilings so I could never be sure they were getting much of a ‘dose’ of it.

    5. it's me*

      When she does the things you don’t like, do you immediately respond by paying attention to her? I’ve read cats aren’t great at understanding cause and effect scenarios that make dogs so trainable, but she may have put together her attention-seeking behavior with you giving her attention. When she acts up it may be best to ignore her or give her minimal attention beyond stopping her scratching, and when she’s being calm, reward her with loving attention.

  61. tangerineRose*

    I work from home and am trying to make sure I have a nice, eye-friendly environment to work in. It sounds like having a window behind me might be a problem, something about the light reflecting off the screen. I guess I can put a curtain up. Any suggestions?

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I’d also sit sideways to it, as it will still reflect off the screen if it’s behind you. In fact, if you do that, it might solve the problem. Back before I had a laptop, I used to have my desk in the back bedroom, set perpendicular to the south window. With the wall behind me, there was no glare, and I could still look up and out the window if I wanted to while doing my schoolwork.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I put sheers across my windows. That seems to be enough for me. It lets the daylight in without blanking out my screen on me.

    3. Arjay*

      Just beware that having the window in front of you could also be a problem. That’s my current setup and the bright sunlight coming in behind the monitor can wash it out too. I just bought curtains this weekend to go in front of the mini-blinds.

  62. mac and cheese*

    I used to sew handmade soft toys for Toy Society drops (you would leave the toy in a public place with a note referencing the website and indicating that the toy was free to whoever found it) before the website went defunct some years ago. I still have a number of toys that I had made from old sweaters, and I wanted to clear them out. I’m good at sewing, the toys are actually quite nice and not sloppily made, often involving a lot of handwork. It is really hard to find any charities that will take handmade soft toys, especially wool ones, so I posted them on a local online yard sale group for free.

    The first person who replied said they want to give the toys to their dog if I don’t mind. I DO mind. A lot. I always cringed when someone would find a Toy Society toy and post on the site that the found toy was now their dogs favorite chew thing. I’m not a big fan of dogs in general, and am currently living with a housemate’s dog that I absolutely can’t stand, which is probably making me react even more negatively.

    The rules of the online yard sale are that I can’t pick who gets the item, it has to be offered strictly in order of interest, so I feel like I have to give the toys to them. I wish this person hadn’t told me why they wanted the toys. If the toys had gone for Toy Society drops, they might have ended up as chew toys, or in the trash, or destroyed for whatever reason, but knowingly giving them up for such a fate is difficult. Ugh.

    1. Lilith*

      What about domestic abuse shelters? Some women there have kids & have arrived with little. A hand made toy could be very appreciated especially if it’s cuddly & made with love.

        1. mac and cheese*

          A lot of places won’t take wool items, or even handmade items in general because they can be hard to sterilize in a hospital setting and there are allergy concerns. One person actually replied prior to the dog-toy person and suggested that fire and rescue units will sometimes take toys to give to children as comfort items during emergency response, so I will check the local fire house and see if they can use the toys.

    2. Anono-me*

      Is there a nearby House of Worship with a mission you agree with that includes helping vulnerable children?

    3. Morning reader*

      I think since the person said, “if you don’t mind,” you should be able to decline and wait for the next person to ask. You do mind, why not say so? I understand the rules say you must accept the first request, but you wouldn’t send books to someone who was going to use them for kindling, would you? Not to be all rules-lawyering but it seems legitimate to give them to someone who would use them for their designed purpose and not intend to destroy them.
      Lots of things make good dog toys. Hand-crafted items do not need to be among them.

    4. mac and cheese*

      After re-reading the group rules half a dozen times and a bit of back and forth with the dog owner mentioning that the toys were not intended or made to be chew things, the result is that the dog owner is going to take some of the toys and the rest are going to go to someone else who will give them to their church for various uses. I do enjoy sewing and designing stuffed animals, so in the future I will just contact the church person directly with any donations.

      1. valentine*

        This seems too important to you to leave it to chance. Maybe you can change to making them for baby showers or orgs collecting after disasters (but even that won’t stop people giving them to their fur-babies).

        1. valentine*

          And if the house is yours, you can have a no-pets rule. If it isn’t, I hope you’re making plans to move to a dog- or pet-free place because having an unhappy home will color everything.

  63. Melody Pond*

    Hey Alison, I was wondering if you might be willing to share a bit more about your previous aforementioned interest in volunteering in a prison. What made you want to do it? What sort of things were you going to teach? Work/career-type things? Were you going to structure an entire class yourself, or simply talk with interested inmates one-on-one? I know you ultimately weren’t able to do it because of your background check, but I’m really interested to know anything/everything about the details of what you were planning to do or wanting to do.

    I went back and re-read your interview with a prison librarian today – I’ve got a bee in my bonnet about looking for opportunities to volunteer in a prison. I’m really curious about what it’s actually like, or what opportunities actually exist (in any prison, I know it will vary by state/facility). If you wanted to volunteer to teach something, either job-related or a life skill type of thing, did they expect you to just come up with a whole multi-week curriculum yourself? Really curious what you were planning to do, and would love to hear anything/everything you’re willing to share.

    Also, I hope this is appropriate for the weekend thread! I couldn’t recall exactly where volunteering topics fell.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Sure! I’ve always been interested in prison reform. The program I trained with had volunteers who did both classes and one-on-one tutoring. You had to get through their training before they’d talk with you about what to have you teach, so I didn’t get that far (once we finished training, they ran background checks and ruled me out because of my civil disobedience record, which I find bizarre). So I went through the training all volunteers go through but didn’t get any further than that.

      But an AAM reader who used to be a prison librarian actually has written a book about the experience. (I got an advance copy and blurbed it!) It’s fascinating and I recommend it:
      https://amzn.to/2T5l0qi

      (In fact, now that I realize it’s out, I will make it a weekly recommendation soon.)

      2. rear mech*

        yeah they are like that. My friend got out of prison 10 years ago, is a PHD candidate with tons of teaching and volunteering experience, and was still denied as a volunteer teacher at our local jail. She works with Underground Scholars Initiative and other groups helping people continue/finish their higher education after they leave prison.

      3. Observer*

        It actually makes a lot of sense. The thing to realize is that the prisons have a LOT of rules. A lot of those rules are ridiculous, but they are what they are. So organizations that work with the prisons and send people INTO the prisons generally CANNOT use you to work with inmates.

        One of my children has been volunteering with a prisoner support organization for a few years, and you would not believe what the paperwork to be allowed in looks like. If you’ve ever sneezed wrong, you’re probably not going to be allowed in. This is not the organization making the rules, it’s the prison system(s).

        The prisons do not want anyone who they see as a “rule breaker” or anyone who has ever done ANYTHING illegal, no matter how minor, to be working as a volunteer inside the system.

        No matter how the organization feels about it, whatever their opinion on these rules, they simply have no choice. They need to toe the line the prisons set or they don’t get to do the work.

      4. Melody Pond*

        Thank you, Alison! I’ll check out the book for sure.

        I’ve already sent in an email to my state’s DOC – they have an email address specifically for inquiries about their volunteer programs. I talked about some of the topics I’m interested in, and feel I could help teach (personal finance, NonViolent Communication, Excel, maybe even resume writing – thanks in large part to your advice), and asked if they had any opportunities where I could possibly help in those areas. Hopefully I’ll hear back on Monday, or otherwise early in the week? Maybe they’ll have specific programs where volunteers can train, similar to what you were going to do.

        Not to drift too far into work-related territory, but technically one of my official performance goals at work is to participate in a community service/volunteering type project this year. I skipped the event that most of our department participated in (a day working at a food bank) – that kind of thing just doesn’t resonate with me as much, when a workplace goes and spends a single day on one unskilled volunteer job. I was struggling with figuring out what else I could do/would want to do, to meet that goal this year. I want to do something where MY skills and knowledge matter, where not just anyone could do what I’m going to do. And honestly, I want to get to teach about something I’m passionate about (like the aforementioned list of topics I think I could help teach).

        As soon as I thought of the idea to volunteer in a prison, I got really excited about it. Lots of people volunteer in hospitals, homeless shelters, etc. – but I have the impression that incarcerated people feel particularly forgotten by society. It feels like this is something I could do that would really matter. I could share what I know and help set up currently incarcerated inmates to succeed when they get out. I feel like this is something I would want to do on an ongoing basis, not just for a single day. Volunteering just for one single day, especially in a big company group where we’re all wearing our employer t-shirts – honestly, that to me feels like it’s more for show.

        But this is something I’m really, really excited about. I hope it works out, and I really hope there are opportunities for me to share my knowledge/experience in some of these areas.

  64. Sleep disorder, ADD/ADHD, sensory*

    Regular here, trying to go slightly anonymous.

    So I mentioned in last weeks work thread about thinking i have symptoms of ADD/ADHD.

    I’ve been seeing someone and I had my second session with him yesterday. He listened to all my symptoms. Eventually he brought up that it could be a sleep disorder. We talked about that for a bit and told me that I should def bring this up with my Dr and he recommended an in-network sleep specialist. Afterwards I googled a little bit and read that sleep disorder can cause the similar symptoms of ADD/ADHD. and given how I feel so exhausted all the time….it was eye opening. Dr said that he would rather I look in to that first than go down the rabbit hole of taking medicines. I’m open to that.

    Now, the person I’m seeing is a psychologist so he doens’t prescribe anything. For now, it’s nice to have someone to talk to face to face. I was having such a hard time finding someone in my insurance network but luckily he was available, and hes literally right next to my office so that’s super convenient for me.

    Funny thing though — the day after my session with him, Ive been waking up 3 days in a row with no alarm and not feeling groggy. Didn’t even need my nap on my commute. Still hit the late afternoon tiredness. but that’s normal for me. And this happened without me doing a single thing differently. Strange isnt it?

    Things were a little bit better at home and work this week, I didn’t feel as anxious and despite the stuff I talked about in my yesterday’s post….I kept it fairly together for the most part. (and, no I’m not going around asking my reports “do you like me, am I OK??”!)

    Anyways, I went to my Dr but their office had power failure and they couldn’t treat anyone, so I decided to go another day. I still want my xanax refill and talk to her about my other stuff.

    1. MOAS*

      Another thing that I came across was something about people who have issues with certain sounds. And now I’m wondering if that applies to me. Where’s the line between being normally annoyed by sounds vs a real issue. Like, I hate constant tapping sounds (sometimes there’s construction in our building and it’s super irritating), I hate sounds of fireworks, I hate loud laughing in the office.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        The sound of chewing annoys me. The sound of microphone feedback is physically painful- I feel like I’m being stabbed in the ears.

    2. Freya*

      Speaking as someone who has one… if you have a sleep disorder then these fall into two main groups – respiratory and neurological. They don’t exactly cause ADHD symptoms so much as affecting your executive function. If you want to know if you have one, you need to fill in an Epworth sleep scale, see a doctor and get relevant tests.

      1. MOAS*

        Yes, he did mention that. I plan on seeing one. He asked if I snore and I said no..he told me they’d evaluate me and put me on a CPAP if necessary.

    3. Enough*

      ‘Funny thing though — the day after my session with him, Ive been waking up 3 days in a row with no alarm and not feeling groggy.’
      Some times just having a possible diagnoses can improve things because the worry of what is wrong with you is lessened. Stress makes everything worse.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      Could be both. About 30 percent of the gen pop has a sleep disorder. About 70 percent of people with ADHD do.

      There’s a growing body of theory/research that ADHD and sleep disorders might both be caused by some as-yet-unidentified underlying issue with the nervous system.

      Getting some help with how you’re feeling & things that bother you is bound to help you feel better and relax, which is going to lead to better focus & sleep.

      Also, if you’ve been doing other things to help with anxiety (like the Xanax), it could be you’re noticing the full effect recently. This stuff is cumulative. It works gradually.

      So glad you’re feeling better.

      BTW, have you ever tried sleeping with a weighted blanket? We just got some, and they are absolutely fantastic for helping us sleep longer & more soundly. It’s a real individual thing, though. Some folks can’t stand them.

      1. MOAS*

        I’m not sure the purpose of a weighted blanket. I just switched to a twin bed but still have my king size blanket. I just end up being tucked nicely like a burrito.

  65. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    Any embroiderers in the group? Thrifters & people that love tools & accessories will appreciate this as well, I think! Last week my daughter and I went to a newish thrift store. First we found 4+ yards of a silk woven stripe for only $10. SILK y’all! Wandered around, lots of interesting things – definitely not your standard, cast off and donate stuff, but the prices were really good.
    And then I saw it – a standing embroidery frame, with a hinged arm on either side, one to hold the pattern and one to hold your floss. And a storage box at the base. In oak. Gorgeous. I’m showing my daughter this thing, not expecting that even at a thrift store I can afford it. Then I read the tag.
    My heart started palapating.
    I got the shakes.
    I had to sit down.
    $35.00! !0-0!
    It’s beautiful and a joy to work on. I may name her (I’m not a named of inanimate objects).

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Family member has one of those from her MIL. That’s amazing… what a find. Woo hoo. The kind of thing you grab, run to the register, and PAY for, so that no one else gets it. Then put it in your car before you go back and start looking for the bag(s) of floss that were probably donated with it!

    2. Sparkly Librarian*

      Hooray! It sounds lovely. Happy stitching to you.

      I adore thrift store finds. Sometimes the stores don’t know what value to assign, and sometimes they’re willing to just get it out the door if they’re non-profit. A few years ago my wife picked up 4 Cutco table knives, retail price $26 each, for $1. A quarter apiece!! Lifetime free sharpening and replacement, too. (Half-price replacement if you were using them as construction tools or whatever when you broke them.)

    3. Wishing You Well*

      SCORE!
      Thrift stores are a great source for needleworkers. People will donate loved ones’ craft stashes when no one in the family does that kind of needlework.
      CONGRATS!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Wow, that’s awesome. I love cross stitch but haven’t done it in a while. Great find!

    5. Lilysparrow*

      I don’t even embroider, but I am fascinated with beautifully made & cunning contraptions. I am mentally drooling over your find.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Aw, I am sorry.
      You are welcome to sit here with us for a bit. I think you might know that, though.

      1. Strawberry*

        There’s so many details that I don’t want to hash out here, but the uncomplicated version is that they said our friendship is causing people to talk. And (rightly or wrongly) perception is important. Its better for us all. I understand where they’re coming from but I can’t help feeling just sad. There’s a friend in our group who didn’t like me and didn’t like our friendship. So……that friend wins.

        1. Stitch*

          Is this a situation where they’re choosing a romantic relationship over your friendship? It seems strange to me that another friend can veto a friendship otherwise.

    4. Marion Q*

      I’m so sorry to hear that. I had a bad friendship breakup a couple of years ago and I still randomly miss them. It’s okay to wallow, it might help you feel better.

  67. Laura H.*

    I got a Nintendo Switch for my birthday (mostly paid for by some loved ones- still super awesome that they took a huge chunk outta the costs.) and I’m in love- super nice that I can use handheld mode when the rest of the house is asleep.

    Loving the new Fire Emblem game I picked up for it too! Was a good birthday!

    2. Merci Dee*

      Happy birthday!!

      My daughter’s birthday is next month, and I’ve pre-ordered the Switch Lite for her. She’s got a Wii U that she loves for gaming with the TV, but the Lite will be a great handheld device to take on the go. And the fact that it’s $100 cheaper than the Switch doesn’t hurt.

      1. Laura H.*

        I was considering the lite, but eventually because of the way I wanted to play- I found the regular Switch better suited my needs.

  68. New Chapter*

    What types of things do you do to get ready to move to a new and different chapter of your life? Thank you.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      It depends on the chapter and why you are doing it.

      I had a similar pattern when there were chapter changes by (positive) choice.
      * When I moved across country after 3 years at my first post-college job, I took 6 months to plan, figured out where to move, the job prospects, found a place to live, paid off bills, divested, and emotionally prepared.
      * When I went back to grad school in my mid-30s, I took 2 years to prepare, taking all the possible pre-requisite courses (to fill my education gaps/ reinforce my calculus skills), studied for and did well on the admissions test, switched jobs to get broader experience in the field I wanted to enter, and dialed back all my spending and paid off every credit card. I also sold everything I owned, that wouldn’t fit in a very small studio/dorm type room, or stored a few things at parents. I even paid off the tiny toyota, so I would have minimal bills (which let me work a little less).
      Not by choice – husband getting cancer, getting laid off. I’m assuming you are not referring to those kinds of forced, scary changes to new chapters.

      But it has always been about planning. And friends. I’ve been fortunate, all along, to have friends that supported me (even if sometimes I only had 1 or 2 really good friends… leaving my peers to go get a graduate dream degree, actually lost the friends that couldn’t be happy for me).

      I used to think I was a “go with the flow” person… but underneath, I like to have a plan, I just realize the details of the execution and the timing aren’t always controllable. But plan is critical. Stuff happens, be willing to be flexible… just know that you have an end goal and enjoy the journey TO it.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          If I were to synthesize, I’d say – what’s the goal of the chapter? You didn’t say if you were retiring, leaving a marriage, starting a relationship, going off to school, or graduating. But uniformly, I’ve found that having a basic plan for what I wanted to get done (not just relax, but “learn to slow down and enjoy the sunset; not just “get a new hobby” but “Find something I can share with a group by taking a class a month”), puts me into a better spot in the transition.
          And… getting rid of the stuff I don’t need from the previous chapter. Like the bills. or the clutter. So a plan to divest, and a plan to acquire?
          Last week, I think there was a post where someone (fposte?) talked about “what does a good day/week look like?” … for me, that resonated. The plans I’ve made in the past were to get me to a specific point, not always to grow beyond that point. Depending upon your new chapter, it may be a little of both.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Decluttering and haircut are 2 of the classics for a new start.
      Go forth and prosper in your new circumstances.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Painting a room, re-arranging the furniture, building a headboard or something similar — all things we did for ourselves in preparation for the arrival of our son. Felt good to have crisp clean walls in a fresh color, some rooms with a new look, and something cushy and comfortable to lean against during night feeds.

      I really do think a lick of paint makes a world of difference.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes I like a new calendar/personal organizer. It reminds me to follow up on opportunities.

      I make sure I tackle something that seems hard to me on a regular basis. My idea is we don’t get to a better place because we ignored the hard stuff. But at the same time, I can’t handle a steady stream of things to do that are hard to me. I need breaks in between and I also need to do something that gives me a quick feeling of success no matter how modest.

      Building a support group can be helpful. This can be just one or two people who cheer the successes.

  69. Tricerasister*

    Business management speak that sets your teeth on edge – I’m going to be running an Acquisitions Incorporated Dungeons and Dragons campaign starting next month and I want to make a list of business terms to throw in there when I can. It’s a fun setting that uses a lot of business tropes so I’m looking for words like “synergize” and “deep dive” and “touch base offline”. What are you pet hates?

      2. WellRed*

        Yes, utilize. Also deliverables, architecting, ping. And frankly, project. Not everything is a project, people. Sometimes its just a task.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I hate utilize when it is MIS-used….you don’t tell people to “utilize” your own product as described in the manual: by definition that’s “using” it correctly.
        “I use cast-iron pans for cooking. Once I utilized a cast-iron pan in self-defense.”

    5. Rebecca*

      Get into the weeds
      Take this offline
      Drill down

      Basically anything I hear in a conference call :(

    10. Peacock*

      Make an ask. Going forward. Take it offline (eg a topic is brought up in a meeting, person wants to talk about that outside the meeting so suggests to “take it offline”). Streamlining (when used as a euphemism for layoffs).

      1. Booksalot*

        The first time I saw “make the ask” I did a confused-bird head tilt for almost a minute. You’re going to…create a question? That already exists? Instead of using the original one? *head explodes*

    11. Merci Dee*

      Low-hanging fruit
      Cost elimination (for cutting costs)
      Cost rationalization (for explaining the costs you didn’t cut – because you need an office to work in and power to run your production machines)

      I just realized how few of these crappy euphemisms I hear in the office since our senior management mostly comes over from our corporate headquarters in another country and English is their second language. Thank heavens for international cooperation and colleagues!!!

    12. Courageous cat*

      Nose to the grindstone
      Due diligence
      Out of pocket (god this one is used horribly incorrectly so often)
      Reach out

    13. Booksalot*

      I’m required to refer to every problem as a “challenge”. Like, shit is literally blowing up in our Mexican factory due to record-breaking temperatures, but that’s just a minor learning experience for management. No, Houston, we don’t have a challenge. It’s a f*cking PROBLEM.

    16. Dan*

      Anything my CEO writes in an all-company email and puts “high priority” on it.

      Every time I read his email, I’m like, “WTF, English please? Because I have no idea what you just said. If this is how you all talk in executive level meetings, heaven help us all.”

    17. Lemon Zinger*

      Anytime management refers to the office as “family”

      W’RE NOT YOUR FAMILY. THIS IS A WORKPLACE.

  70. Mazzy*

    I’m so depressed, I recently had a falling out with someone because they called me a lair about something, and it’s not the first time they’ve done it, so I called them out on it and it escalated to a shouting match where they said I’m all sorts of things, psycho being one of them, all because I called out being called a liar. About something I one hundred percent told the truth on. At the time, I got mad because I always tell the truth even when it hurts, so I felt, what is the point in doing that if you’re still going to have people question you? The problem is that this person has a kid that I grew close to, and now I hear the kid is sad about me supposedly disappearing on them. So even though I haven’t been around because I don’t want to be yelled at, the kid seems to think I just up and left them and maybe that they are the problem. It has me so sad that I don’t want to get out of bed. Now my mother is trying to get involved but every time she does, it just rehashes all of the pain and sadness, while solving nothing. Today again, she texted me about how her friend’s daughters don’t talk. I don’t know how this helps or is relevant. Maybe they had a stupid fight, or maybe it’s legitimate that they don’t have a relationship. Maybe both are wrong, maybe one is the victim, how the heck do I know. It’s like a guilt trip to get us together, but this wasn’t a two sided argument, it was a pretty one sided verbal attack and then I felt I had to defend myself. And I’m in a deep sadness about the kid. They’re still so innocent but I feel like they need more strong adult role models, but I just can’t put myself around their mother right now. It was just to painful to have them yelling at me that day. I guess I’m looking for a little commiseration. I was a little vague to protect all of our anonymity so I may not respond if you comment asking about specific details you’re curious about, but I’m curious to hear from those who’ve been in similar situations.

    1. I edit everything*

      That sounds so tough. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. And maybe mute your mom, just for a little while, until you get your feet back under you. Is there another channel of contact you could use to reach the kid? Send a letter or postcard or something, saying “I love you so much! I’m not feeling well right now, but I hope to hang with you again in a little while.” So you’re not putting the kid in the middle of the dysfunction, but letting her know you care and it’s not her fault you’ve had to take some time.

      1. valentine*

        This is so painful for you, maybe it’s best not to share any more with your mom. Sacrificing yourself and white knighting for anyone, but especially a child you can’t maintain your own relationship with, only serves your friend, if she is a manipulator. If you’re saying your friend isn’t a good role model for her own child, I don’t know why you would want to stay friends. It’s not friendship if you’re staying for the kid. I would think whoever told you the kid is sad would’ve assured them that they’re not at fault. Telling you is needlessly cruel when you can’t do anything about it.

        I think “psycho” is a bridge too far, but even without it, ending or fading the relationship is probably what’s going to help you. When you’re healed, take a good look at why it’s the kid that you’re so hurt about because that seems too large for it to be about this one kid (it’d make sense for a long-term partner or step-parent). Maybe you are missing something that assigning yourself as role model fulfilled.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My parents would cut people out randomly. I never knew why as a kid because I was told it was adult stuff.
      But I grew to be 17, I got my license and guess what happened next? hee-haw, I found those people.

      That does not help much right now. But as that former kid, I can tell you that I would have remembered you. No doubt in my mind. And yeah, even at 17 I would know why you did not continue to fight to see me and I would have understood.

      Your mom does not seem to be grasping the situation that well. AT ALL. You could opt for something like, “That’s too bad, Mom. So did you see the sale at Big Store? It looks like I might go check it out. [Or insert other topic here.]”

      Do you have access to an EAP at work? Maybe talking to someone face to face would help?

    3. Batgirl*

      The friendship was over the minute she called you a liar. There was nothing you could do from the moment she decided to sling insults. Grown ups discuss behaviours rationally, they don’t screech labels at each other. So that was the moment of no return.. it didn’t escalate afterwards! It doesn’t even matter that you were telling the truth. We all lie. It’s a common behaviour. But behaviours are not who we are. Even if you had been fibbing it doesn’t give her the right to insult or verbally abuse you.
      As for the child, you were a good role model and continue to be one by refusing to put up with this. She knows that her mother lost a good friend and you’re probably not the first or the last. It’s important for her to learn this over time and to see the consequences of her mother’s behaviour.
      But I’d be very leery of anyone describing the child’s sadness to you as it sounds like a guilt trip.

  71. JKP*

    I have a new friend who calls way too often. Nothing I have tried so far has curbed this. She often starts calling at 5 pm, and by the time I get home from work at 9pm there are 3 or 4 voicemails from her. EVERY SINGLE DAY. She doesn’t have internet/email nor does she have a cell phone to text with, so calling is the only way she can contact people. She’s just a casual friend, not that close. I give her a ride every week when we go to the same group meetup.

    I have told her more than once that I don’t get home from work until at least 9pm, that I can’t take calls at work, so don’t call before then. I’ve tried scheduling one specific time that I will call her or that she can call me, usually the day before the meetup so we can confirm that I’m picking her up. I don’t return the many voicemails she leaves everyday, I only call her back once during the week.

    A couple days ago, it sort of messed me up at work. I was trying to use my phone for actual work, and she happened to be calling at that exact moment, so I had to keep rejecting her call and then had to restart the work task, and she kept calling back, until I was forced to turn the cell signal off so she couldn’t call until I finished the work task on the wifi.

    How can I fix this? I have tried to be clear with her, but there is a language barrier, since I’m not fluent in her language. Is there a way to send only calls from her number straight to voicemail? I don’t want to completely block her so she can never contact me, nor do I want to turn on do not disturb so I can’t receive any phone calls.

    1. Veronica Mars Bar*

      Oh my gosh. I think you need to tell her very kindly but clearly that you cannot take this many phone calls and it is not ok to keep doing this.

      What does she want when you do speak?

      1. JKP*

        I have told her to call only once during the week. I have told her not to call before 9pm. But I’m not fluent in her language, so I don’t know how clear I am in communicating. When she calls, she only wants to confirm when I’m picking her up. Even though we made specific plans for time and place already. The first week or so she did this, I would call her back that same day, and every single day she would just be re-confirming the date and time. So now I only call her back once a week. Someone else used to drive her to the groups, and I imagine this is why they stopped.

        1. valentine*

          I think you can set her number to do not disturb except for Friday at 9:30pm, but it’s probably best to go for the opposite: You will only call each other to cancel the ride.

          Use an online translator and give her the printout. If her language is Spanish, reciting it phonetically should be clear enough, but I don’t think language is a problem here. (If you really think so, maybe saying “Only xyz” instead of “Don’t qrs” would help.) For whatever reason, she’s choosing to trample the boundary in a really weird way. I mean, what’s the point of confirming any day before Friday when something could come up?

        2. Observer*

          Stop calling her back unless there is a change. Tell her ONCE that this is what you are going to do going forward.

    2. Anono-me*

      Could someone who is fluent in both of your languages help you both discuss the calling ‘rules’?

      1. Observer*

        I doubt it would make a difference. This is not a language problem. This is someone who has an issue and is not handling it well. JKP could be crystal clear and even telepathic, and that would not change.

    4. Southern Metalsmith*

      I’m not sure it is a language thing. I have a friend who does this. Fortunately our get-togethers (book club) are once a month. She will call a few times in the week after a meeting to ask what book we are supposed to be reading and where we will be meeting next. At some point she will start calling to ask if I’m I going and should we ride together, and oh, yes, what’s the date again? See where this is going? My friend has dementia. She has an official diagnosis, and has been told! But she does not acknowledge it. It is exhausting. And so very, very sad.

      So no telling if your friend has something similar, or has anxiety issues, or …?, you can’t know. But my advice is to set hard boundaries – as it sounds like you have done – and don’t feel bad about enforcing them. Save your patience and your compassion for when you are dealing directly with her.

      1. Southern Metalsmith*

        And, yes. You can send her calls directly to voicemail. On Android, which is what I have, go to the contact information page (but don’t go into edit contact) press and hold the three dots in the upper right-hand corner until a box that says ‘more options’ appears. Slide your finger to more options. When you lift your finger, one of the options is ‘route to voicemail’. Choose it. That should be it. It’s possible (er, probable?) that your phone is different, but it should be something similar.

      2. MaxiesMommy*

        It’s also okay to say “You can call Fridays at 9 PM. Once a week. If you keep calling every day I will stop driving you. Do NOT call me every day.” No one over the age of 3 should be that much trouble!

    5. Marthooh*

      I don’t know of a way to send the calls straight to voicemail, but you can block her number and then unblock it to call her once a week or whatever. She sounds deliberately clueless.

    6. Quandong*

      If your new friend is ignoring your very reasonable boundaries, and it’s messed you at work already, my advice is to discontinue your arrangement where you give her a ride to the group meetup. This would be my starting point.

      If this is the way she’s acting as a new friend (IME in the early stages of friendship building, people usually try to show their best side) it seems very unlikely that she will respect your boundaries in future.

      I’d tell her you can’t give her a lift any more and block her, but I’m not tolerant of people who barge through my stated boundaries these days.

      You might like this recent post from Captain Awkward:
      https://captainawkward.com/2019/07/25/1220-is-this-guy-constantly-texting-me-after-i-told-him-not-to-because-he-doesnt-understand-boundaries-or-because-he-doesnt-care-about-them/

  72. Me--Blargh!*

    >>Moving Update<<

    WHEW
    I finally got all my books packed, but now I want to unpack a bunch and cull even more. Way. Too. Many. Books. The house is starting too look a little bare. But I haven't gotten to the kitchen yet. The less stuff I have to move/store, the better. There will be a huge pile of donation stuff. I hope the one thrift store still picks up. Books go straight to the library for their twice-yearly giant sales. They'll take them anytime.

    The biggest annoyance, as I predicted, was craft stuff. I still have a mountain of it, even after getting rid of all assembled dolls houses but the 1/2 scale one (there's still one left but it's on Craigslist). It hurt me to do so, but I put the biggest, heaviest roombox I had in the donate pile. I had planned to make a Titanic roombox with it; I will never find a box like that again, but maybe I can build one. It just takes up too much room and weighs a ton, and I won't have a space to work on that project for some time. Unless I can purge some more, and then I'll pull it back out, lol. I donnnnnnn wannnna let it goooooooooo. . . . . Maybe, if I dump a bunch of the unassembled crap and supplies I can replace later, then I'll have room to pack it. Urrrrghhh.

    I did sell some furniture. The TV cabinet and electronics in the bedroom (an old Toshiba widescreen TV, Panasonic sound system, and a Roku LT, all working) I sold as one package to a really nice couple who turned out to be very nerdy and chill. They also bought some bookshelves and may be interested in other stuff. And they wanted to have drinks so we're hanging out on Sunday. Typical — I meet more cool people AS I'M LEAVING. :P

    Plus, I was bad. Last year, I found a flea market booth with a treasure trove of vintage Tupperware. They had these four plastic pink and cream sectioned picnic trays I loved and could not stop thinking about (I like to eat dinner in front of the TV). So I went down there this week, thinking that if they were gone, I'd stop dwelling on them. Instead, they came home with me. :3 Hey, I'm getting rid of a TON of dishes; I'll have plenty of room for them!

    I should probably have a moving sale, but I'm actually doing better on Craigslist. When I have a sale in my neighborhood, all I ever get are old people with handfuls of change. “Willya take fiddy cents? Willya take a quartah? “ The little profit I make is not worth all the hassle of setting up.

    1. Anono-me*

      Wow. You have gotten an incredible amount done.

      Can you donate any of the craft supplies to a local public school or somewhere that that provides support to vulnerable children?

      Also, can you use the Titanic box for moving?

      1. The curator*

        Public library for craft supplies. The ya and children’s librarians will go nuts for maker space stuff. Also if you have special interest books and magazines, knitting , cooking, woodworking etc. Call them up first and meet with the librarian so he good books don’t just go to book sale.

        1. Me--Blargh!*

          Noooooo I’m not getting rid of my dolls house mags. I already packed them. I did consolidate them into one box with the little dab of comics I kept. I ditched so many books that I made enough space to keep them. I hang onto books forever. Most of the ones I’ve let go, I’ve read so many times I can’t look at them anymore.

          I don’t care about sorting the books. The Friends of the Library does that. They have a better books section at the sale where they put nicer or newer things and charge a little bit more for them. It’s all very well organized. I did cull some dolls house books I don’t really need (ouuuuuuuch that hurt). A lot of them came from the library sale in the first place!

          As for the craft supplies, I can probably ditch some things like air-drying clay (not getting rid of the Sculpey!). But most of it is crap nobody but a miniaturist would be interested in, like little pieces of junk that are waiting to be transformed into a thing. It’s not all nicely organized paint pots or whatever. In fact, it’s horrible chaos, and I really need to get into the tubs and put it in some semblance of order. That would be a good opportunity to streamline.

          When I saw Hereditary, I was so jealous of the main character’s studio (she’s a miniaturist). A whole room in which to build dolls houses and roomboxes, with tables and STORAGE. Jelly jelly jelly.

      2. Me--Blargh!*

        Oh that’s a good idea; I could put stuff in it!
        Hmm. I need to pare down so I can justify it. It’s such a weird box; it’s wood, with like a decorative top edge, almost like it was made just for this. I originally thought to fit it with a scene set at Meduseld in Rohan, but the proportions are better for a low-ceilinged ship stateroom than a horse lord royal hall, haha.

    2. alex b.*

      Hi– I am moving apartments this month; may I ask if you are using one of those services for renting plastic moving boxes? I’ve been looking into them. If so, would you recommend? Like you, I have hundreds and hundreds of books and am getting rid of a bunch but want to keep a bunch, too. I’m a lit. teacher, and this is my vice; my office is already full.

      So far with the the keepers, I’ve been using amazon boxes I saved all summer and mixing books with lighter things. How did you do it? I just this morning ran out of amazon boxes so need to figure something out.

      Also with clothes, are you using boxes? Bags? I haven’t moved in 12 years and have clearly forgotten best practices. Any tips from anyone are welcome!

      In any case, I commiserate: moving is the worst, but I hope we’ll both be happy in the new spaces! And I’d have bought vintage Tupperware, too. :)

      1. Me--Blargh!*

        No, I’m not using that. I can’t afford it and I’m not moving someplace where I can unpack right away and return them, which you would need to do. I did read some reviews of them and folks who used the service liked it.

        Mine is not a normal situation. Most of my stuff is going into storage at my brother’s house — that’s why I’m tossing as much as possible. I will be at my mum’s temporarily, until I find a job and can also find a place. So my clothes will probably be in suitcases. I’ve put hanging stuff that’s in the spare closet in garment bags (it’s still hanging). When I moved before, I just put big garbage bags over my clothes in the closet and moved them, hangers and all, then hung them right up again.

        This is going to be a giant pain in the arse. It’s the exact thing I didn’t want to do. :\

      2. Me--Blargh!*

        Oh yeah, liquor store for sturdy smaller boxes. They often come with dividers that are good for glassware. Also, the At Home store (sells home decor, etc.) let me dip into their box dumpster at the front. I filled my car up for FREEEEEE.

        I know Tupperware is an MLM but the product, at least the old stuff, is very good. It lasts a very long time and I’m keeping it out of the landfill! :) I’m probably going to ditch all my containers that are NOT Tupperware and just save that.

        1. alex b.*

          Ah ok– thank you! That’s a great idea to use travel stuff for clothes transport, and I’m going to try that garbage-bag method you describe, because I just want the stuff packed.

          I’m in a different kind of not-normal situation in that I don’t drive or have car-access beyond uber. I live in Queens, NYC and am moving to Brooklyn; ubers or cabs between the two are extremely expensive, and I don’t even have a valid license so can’t rent a car. I have been trying some spots for free boxes, but some businesses by me are being weirdly stingy with used cardboard boxes thus far.

          (from your above post) The miniature work in _Hereditary_ was so fascinating and added so much to that film. Really cool that you do that.

          And I get it about Tupperware; I despise mlms, but the nostalgia is strong. How is there not a biopic about Brownie Wise?!

        2. NoLongerYoung*

          And you know, on the tupperware lids… don’t put them in the dishwasher… that helps keep them from cracking. Baking soda cleans the “sticky” surface that sometimes comes. And I never microwave anything with oils or tomato in the bowls. (I only microwave in glass, different topic).

          I have some I got from my mom/grandmom, so late 60s? Finally one lid cracked… I need to find a dealer and get a replacement to that lid (a favorite square box). I “think” there is a lifetime warranty.

          Love that stuff.

      3. Anono-me*

        Craigslist often has free moving boxes. You can also regive the good boxes again after the move.

        If you are using cardboardboxes, pack them fill to the top. Use linens and casual clothing to fill around the edges if you can, newspaper or packing paper if you can’t. (Partially filled boxes are prone to collapse when other boxes are stacked on top.

        If you can, hire professional movers, atleast for a few hours to do the big furniture.

        If your building has an elevator, ask the property manager in advance to put up the wall pads.

        If parking is difficult, have friends park in front of the building the night before to ‘save’ a space for the moving or rental truck.

        ALWAYS TRY TO BOOK THE FIRST MOVE OR RENTAL TRUCK OF THE DAY. (You don’t want to be waiting until 4 in the afternoon to start your move because someone else had a problem.)

        1. alex b.*

          Thank you so much– that is a really helpful tip for packing boxes (I didn’t think about the collapse factor!!) and several other very helpful tips for booking my movers.

          I’m in NYC, moving from a neighborhood in Queens to another neighborhood in either BK. I’m single and do not drive or have car access except for uber/cab.

          Jumping on craigslist now to try to find free boxes; local businesses aren’t being too giving in that sense. I may just do the box rental; NYC has a ton of moving-rental-box-plus-gear situations, like the dumbo one.

          Ugh I hate this. Thank you for your help! If anyone else has experience or tips, they are welcome!

          1. Lilith*

            Some newspaper offices will sell end rolls of clean newsprint paper. It’s on a tube & is fairly heavy but it’s clean& can be wadded easily for packing around items. It works better if you have some kind of spindle you can lift it on to.

  73. Parenthetically*

    Any other Intuitive Eating folks around? I know a few of us have talked about it here and there before. What are you learning? What’s still a struggle?

    I’m learning that I really need to plan to eat at set times during the day, because my struggle is that I get doing stuff and can’t hear my hunger signals and then get — as I am now — hangry and even shaky, and then want to eat a bag of chips or whatever. I’m 18 weeks pregnant, so it’s extra important for me NOT to get there. It’s such a shift in mindset from my “normal” way of doing things. I’m a dinner planner for sure, but planning out three meals and two snacks a day feels SUPER intense.

    But obviously overall it’s been an amazing journey the last 6-12 months! I feel like I’m not being lied to for the first time in my life, and like I can actually trust my body. It’s pretty great.

    1. RMNPgirl*

      I’ve been doing this for the past year. It was definitely a huge change in how I approach food and I’m still working on it. My biggest is eating mindfully so that I don’t overeat. I’m also still struggling sometimes with deciding what I want to eat. However, it’s such a freeing way of life that I will keep working on it.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Re: mindfulness — I think the concept of mindfulness has been hijacked by diet culture to the point that I’m now a bit suspicious of accounts/people/dieticians/whoever who promote it — it’s so often framed as “eat mindfully (so you don’t eat too much [so you don’t gain weight])” rather than “eat mindfully so you can listen to your body and mind and heart better and truly be satisfied when you finish” and I’m really trying to aim for the latter mindset.

        Do you follow @heymrroe or @heytiffanyroe? The Mr. Roe method is so great for figuring out what sounds good.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I have toyed with the idea but I still find it really difficult to identify any feelings. It’s part of why I tapered off my antidepressant, though, so hopefully I’ll regain that eventually.

  74. MsChanandlerBong*

    I had oral surgery 10 days ago, and I was doing fine. Earlier today, I sneezed, and I immediately felt something change at the extraction site. Blood started pouring into my mouth, and it took almost 40 minutes for it to stop. I am fine now, just feeling a bit spent, but I am annoyed that I could not get in touch with the oral surgeon. I called the office, and there was no answering service. It said if you had a dental emergency or needed help after surgery, to call his pager number. I called the number, but when I did, all it did was beep a few times. There was nothing saying “Type in your callback number” or “Say your name and number at the tone.” I tried typing in my number, but there was no acknowledgement (“Your callback number has been saved”) or anything like that. So the surgeon never called me back, and I have no idea if he even got my page. I guess it’s my fault for not knowing how to use ’90s technology with no instructions, but it seems a bit odd that there wasn’t some other way to get in touch. I’ll just have to hope that if I have any further issues, they happen between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. on a weekday.

    1. Mimmy*

      I didn’t know doctors even used pagers anymore…

      But that’s wrong to not even have a proper after-hours emergency contact number! I would recommend calling on Monday and letting them know what happened today and see if you can come in to make sure that you didn’t do anything that’ll affect proper healing. I would also mentioned that you couldn’t reach anyone today.

    2. The Doctor is In*

      Unfortunately that happens too often with some specialists after hours. Patients are left with only option of going to the ER or urgent care. Sorry that happened to you.

    3. Pyrbennu*

      Do you have black tea bags? If so make tea with one, then set aside the tea and stick the bag over the wound. The tannic acid helps clot the wound. Fair warning it tastes kinda gross while doing so as the blood and tea are not real tasty, but it is effective and after you can clear the taste out with the made tea.
      I had to do this after my wisdom teeth were removed and the initial clot got dislodged.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      That’s awful. Try hitting “*” after typing in the number. That’s how my pager worked back in the day.

  75. Grace*

    I suspect this is a bit late to get an easy answer, but let’s try. Does anyone from the UK know if there’s rules or guidelines on how flame-retardant upcycled/refinished furniture has to be before selling it?

    We have a shoe rack, solid unpainted wood, that we’re getting rid of because there won’t be any space for it soon. We discussed painting it with some leftover cream paint, because that’ll definitely sell faster than unpainted wood (it’s not fancy grain or anything, and it’s a shade of wood that’s not very fashionable these days). I said I’d be happy to turn it into a bench – foam on the top and staple-gun fabric over it to make a seat – because looking at our local buy-and-sell, the amount of money will likely be offset by how much quicker it will sell. My parents are both saying that it would have to be flame-retardant fabric and foam, so it will cost more than expected.

    Will the new upholstery need to be flame-retardant before I can sell it in good conscience (in which case I’ll just paint it and call it a day) or can I just grab some foam and nice fabric and upholster it myself at home? Yes, I know the quality will be nothing like if it’s professionally upholstered, I’m under no illusions, but that’s the nature of upcycling for resale.

    1. Freya*

      Yes, it will need to be flame-retardant to meet legal guidelines. I don’t know if you could technically sell it privately if it wasn’t but if you did the person who bought it could never donate it, it would be a safety risk and might invalidate their insurance so what would be the point?

      Links to follow!

    2. Jen Erik*

      I know my daughter bought a second hand chaise longue once, and the shop she bought it from said they couldn’t sell it as furniture, because it wasn’t covered in fire retardant fabric. So I think you would have to make it clear to the buyers, which probably means it’s not worth doing.
      (My daughter was using the sofa as part of a stage set, so wasn’t overly worried.)

    1. MMB*

      You can soak them overnight with vinegar and water or add some Calgon to the load when you wash.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Vinegar is a good one, even a soak with vinegar before you wash! I hate that — the Gain Sparkling Tropical Banana Pineapple Smoothie Blast + Scent Beads (SCENT BEADS WHY WHYYYYY WHY WHY) + fabric softener. Makes me itch thinking about it!

      1. MaxiesMommy*

        Oh, that stuff should be illegal!!! I dont know why they don’t make a subtle lemon/citrus scent fabric softener—that I’d buy.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Weirdly, I once added milk to the washing machine and it finally got rid of a nasty embedded smoke smell in a leather bag. It was an ebay mistake and nothing else had worked so on the advice of some people who were really into bags I tried washing it. I figured it was trash anyway. And it worked!

    5. Katefish*

      Dr. Bronner’s! Also, Ask a Clean Person has an episode and maybe an article on this topic.

  77. jDC*

    We have three new baby bunnies in our yard. Mama is hiding out under the deck and I just saw them all while watering. They are maybe 3”. Sooo cute. Our lettuce and spinach is already done for the season so don’t have to worry about them getting into anything so I can just enjoy them. So precious.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I loved the rabbits the first year…then they ate all my perennials. :(

  78. Blue Line (Metro)*

    Hope everyone is doing exactly what they want/need to this weekend.

    Three completely unrelated thoughts:

    1. I suddenly have 8 additional single socks. I have a few singles but now I have like 15 single socks. How is this happening?! Who is the sock monster? I love alone!
    2. I really enjoy the Modern Love podcast, but am always slightly annoyed when at the end they tell you the author is already a writer/published author. The last five stories I listed to were by writers who were all on their nth book.
    3. I am new to Reddit and I don’t really get why when someone is given silver or gold, they go back and edit their post add “Edit: omg thank you for the silver kind stranger”. Saying thanks I get, but it is SO CONSTANT.

    1. MaxiesMommy*

      (3) Well, someone has spent coin on you, and they didn’t have to. I don’t get thanked too often for silver but I do for gold. Too cheap for plat.

        1. Blue Line (Metro)*

          Idk….Seeing some post about their mom, fiancé, and cat dying in some horrendous accident then “ETA my first platinum, gold, and silver!! =D” just seems a little off.

          I “get” the rest….

        2. Blue Line (Metro)*

          IDK. Seeing someone post about their mom, fiancé, and cat dying in some horrendous accident then “ETA my first platinum, gold, and silver!! Yaaaay =D” threw me off.

          I read the r/coins page. Makes sense. Platinum is legit.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      +1 on the single socks. I kept a small organizer bin in the back of the sock drawer for awhile to see if any mates showed up. Finally, I gave up – now I buy like 4-6 identical pair, so when I lose 2 “singles,” I still have a pair. No more fun socks, but they all match … just boring black, boring navy pairs (4-6 of each). I had like 2 show up in a year. I don’t put them in the dryer now, either, nor go to the laundromat though, so maybe that helps.

      The cotton crew ones make good dust mitts, though.

    3. Anono-me*

      Check your Tupperware stash. The sock monster often takes Tupperware bowls (but not the lids) when leaving socks.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Our socks are off canoodling with our missing ball point pens.
      “Somewhere in the cosmos…. there was also a planet entirely given over to ballpoint life forms. And it was to this planet that unattended ballpoints would make their way, slipping away quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew they could enjoy a uniquely ballpointoid lifestyle, responding to highly ballpoint-oriented stimuli, and generally leading the ballpoint equivalent of the good life.”
      -Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

  80. OG Karyn*

    So several years ago I wrote a substantial Marvel fanfic about Loki and an original character. The summary is as follows: “Loki is sent back to Midgard until he can understand how the actions of one man can have consequences that ripple beyond his intentions. He meets Grace, a single mother of a nearly-year old child with a dark past. Can he redeem himself in her eyes when she finds out how his actions caused her current pain? Post-Avengers, pre-Thor 2. Be advised there are triggers here.”

    It was something I did to deal with the trauma of sexual assault. It was a great release for me, and for some reason people really seemed to connect with it. So now, I’m writing the sequel. If anyone is interested in this kind of thing, or know someone who is, please feel free to dig into and/or share them – just leave comments if you do (I thrive on comments).

    The original is here:
    https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9896242/1/Saving-Grace

    The sequel is here:
    https://m.fanfiction.net/s/13280386/1/Saving-Grace-II-The-Power-Within

    1. chi chan*

      I read about 3 pages so far. I am enjoying it. Although the way you have written Loki I can’t imagine Tom Hiddleston playing him. Not as neurotic as in Avengers.

  81. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Something odd was happening in my neighbourhood earlier but I don’t know exactly what. First my neighbours came in unusually late (1:30am) and had a bit of an argument, which woke me up. Then I could hear the very distinct sound of someone hitting a wooden surface with a hammer or axe or similar. I’m convinced that someone was breaking into a shed down the road but of course I could not see anything. I reported it to the police but the noise carried on for quite a while. And of course I can’t get back to sleep now because I’m convinced that every little sound is someone breaking in to the house.

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      And now that it’s daylight I can see that it’s some kind of animal in a coop that is whacking the door every five seconds or so. Guess I’ll have to introduce myself to the neighbours later on because it’s driving me a bit nuts. Also I think you’re not allowed to keep chickens here, which is what it seems to be, so I hope that they can fix it so the noise stops. Otherwise I’ll have to chat with the council and I’d rather not be adversarial.

    2. Rebecca*

      It must have been one of those nights, I woke up with a start, thought I heard something, but then all was quiet – and I’m in this big house alone, so was ready to call 911 if necessary. It was probably a bear outside, sometimes they come up to the house, thump around a bit (I’ve had them on the porch already clomping around at my old house). Glad it was just an animal making mischief in your case!

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I got a better look later on and it’s BUNNIES! How can they make so much noise? Haha. I guess I only noticed because the window was open but somehow they were repeatedly knocking on the front of their pen in a way that really sounds like someone trying to break a plank of wood.

  82. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    Grandma update: (Background: grandma is in her 90s, lives with my mother, and became too weak to stand in early July. Mom had been lifting her from bed to wheelchair to toilet for weeks and we’d been taking shifts in her room round the clock.)

    Mom took grandma to the hospital on Monday. She’d finished a course of antibiotics for her UTI the previous Friday and mom took her to her doctor’s office that same Friday for set of follow-up labs. They got back to us on Monday and said that she no longer had a UTI but that her sodium was low (which is typical for her) and her potassium was high (which is not), and that we needed to take her to the ER for an IV to get those back in alignment.

    We went to the ER a bit after lunchtime on Monday. After many hours in the waiting room, they concluded that (a) she totally still had a UTI and (b) her potassium levels were fine. They decided they were willing to admit her for a 3 day course of IV antibiotics. On Thursday, she was discharged to skilled nursing. (This is the first time she’d been in a hospital as a patient since my mother’s birth.)

    However, all of the skilled nursing places near my mother are full, so she is now in a facility about a 15 minute walk from my house. As a result, I seem to now be the Family Member On Deck. I’m spending hours each day with her, because she is miserable, lonely, just wants to go home, and can’t seem to remember WHY shy can’t go home yet. (We’ve told her she has to get walking again before she can come home, but she keeps forgetting, since, of course, she wasn’t walking the last several weeks she was at home either.) The place she is in seems to be understaffed and it can take more than 10 minutes for someone to come help her to the bathroom. (During the day shift, when we’re there to keep an eye on things.) I’m not sure that anyone at all has come in to help her with PT to get her toward walking again yet, which is the entire point of having her there. I plan to spend a bunch of time on Monday tracking down what schedule she is supposed to be getting PT on.

    I am so tired. And stressed. And this whole situation sucks.

    And I can’t help but notice that it is only the women in the family who are dropping everything to help. Grandma’s son hasn’t even shown up in town yet, but is apparently coming next week for a few days, after which he will go home but his wife (grandma’s DIL) will stay for months if needed. Mom and I are joking that we should start wearing fake mustaches so people will stop expecting us to be caregivers.

    Also, since my house is closest, I am also bracing for an influx of out-of-town relatives looking to stay with me on short notice. I do not currently live like a “real” adult by my family’s standards (I do not have a “real” guest bed, whole house AC, a couch, or cable television at the moment), so I suspect this will go poorly. (There are plenty of hotels in the area, but my family has a tendency to always stay at my mother’s house so I suspect they’ll mostly go there if they don’t like my house even though it’s further away.) So much cleaning/organizing/fake-adulting should happen, but I’m barely here while awake and many of those hours it’s over 85 degrees in here.

    I just want grandma to either be able to get around on her own or for the doctors to say that will not happen so we can figure out what to do in that case (presumably assisted living of some sort, which she absolutely does not want, since we can’t afford to pay for multiple shifts of round the clock caregivers at home). Instead, there never seem to be any actual doctors and just a “system” that keeps sending her places without telling us what the actual “get grandma mobile again” plan and milestones are (as opposed to the “where grandma will be sleeping tonight plan”, which is the level of communication we are actually getting) . No one seems to be talking long-term about what the future looks like, and the reality is that I go back to work full time very soon and have already not gotten most of my summer objectives dealt with due to grandma’s health.

    It all just feels so indefinite, open-ended, and miserable.

    1. valentine*

      Grandma’s son hasn’t even shown up in town yet, but is apparently coming next week for a few days
      Unless you know differently, plan for him to be yet another person you’ll need to do for, rather than for him to help. I mean, is he going to help her toilet, versus calling you every single time, or just neglecting her because he doesn’t want to call a nurse, and she gets yet another UTI?

      I am also bracing for an influx of out-of-town relatives looking to stay with me on short notice.
      Get ahead of the message and say you can’t have visitors. You’re already past max capacity. If you take these people on, you may end up without enough to help your grandmother, and need help yourself even sooner.

    4. Weegie*

      Dealing with the ‘care’ system is exhausting and awful. Not only do you have to deal with your elderly/sick relative, you also have to constantly monitor the carers. There seems to be nowhere to turn and no perfect solution: you just have to find a way to keep on keeping on. You will find your way.

    5. Asenath*

      That sounds really frustrating and painful. At one point when I was helping with my mother, I put my foot down and insisted on a Family Meeting, which I had found out was an option, and got the actual doctor, social worker etc in one place at one time.

      One consolation is that if you don’t have the facilities your relatives expect in your home, they may decide to stay in a hotel again. Most of the places I’ve lived in for years aren’t big enough/furnished enough to allow any overnight visitors who aren’t willing to sleep on the floor!

      1. Llellayena*

        Oh yes. Whoever has medical power of attorney (if no one does, GET IT) should insist on a meeting with every member of the care team (docs, PT, social worker, etc) where a care plan is laid out in writing so you can point to it later if she’s not getting the care you agreed to. Look into other facilities and their reputations, pick your ideal and second choices (ignore if they have open beds for right now), use them as your guide for what an acceptable level of care is and push for it. If you can get her on one of those better facilities, great! But at the least you’ll know what you SHOULD be getting. Elder care services and any healthcare connections you have can help you with the facility recommendations. A great question is “If you needed to put YOUR mom in assisted living/rehab which facility would you pick?”

    6. Rebecca*

      I am so sorry! This is stressful, and it is exhausting trying to deal with caregivers, hospitals, medical staff, etc. And no, there is not enough help. My mom is in a personal care home, self pay, and it’s $195/day. There are 8 other residents, max capacity for this home is 16. The state mandates only 1 caregiver for this level of patients, so that’s what there is. She is also responsible for preparing the meals, serving, cleaning up after, dispensing meds, and on and on. There is a wait for help on the toilet – mom can scoot her wheelchair into the bathroom but can’t stand up to get on the toilet. And don’t get me started on the abysmal food there! It’s the bare minimum required by law, and I’ve gone to the grocery store to supplement mom’s food as even she was hungry. I chose the low fat diet choice, thinking there was actual food, but it’s typical for them to serve a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, with a small portion of fruit, if that.

      And then as you mentioned, PT. Finally some PT people came last week, gave conflicting instructions, more coming next week, and no, Mom cannot get up by herself, she’s weak, unsteady, and very wobbly, and this will result in another fall more likely than not. And then we have appointment changes when doctor’s offices leave messages, and I’m not getting them.

      I’m sending you a hug and best wishes, this is miserable and seems to be never ending. Put your foot down, no guests in your house. Make lists. Hopefully you can get a caseworker for your grandmother to help navigate all of this. I wish I had better suggestions!

    7. chi chan*

      The care of the elderly is a huge responsibility on anyone and so often women do the work. You say you want the doctors to tell you whether she will improve or if that will not happen. I think if your grandma is 90 you should proceed with the assumption that she will likely not improve and will need assisted living. You can ask her doctor about it, the prognosis, and be really specific like, “Will she be able to live alone?”.
      But if I were you I would be assuming that she will need 24/7 care from now on.

      1. Dan*

        Yes to all of this. At some point “we” need to acknowledge reality for what it is. OP spends a lot of time talking about what grandma wants, and how that means OP gets the short end of the stick. OP wants stuff too (like sleep and sanity) and OP shouldn’t have to give that up just because “grandma wants” (or doesn’t want) something.

        Grandma is (getting) old. Grandma can’t take care of herself very well. Grandma needs assisted living. Grandma may not like all of that, but we don’t live in a society where we can always have our cake and eat it too. It really sounds like some Decisions Need To Be Made regarding Grandma’s care, but nobody is making them.

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Thank you all for responding! As you can probably guess by the timestamp, I am too tired to respond to everyone individually. I appreciate all of your comments, though.

      I would be fine with relatives staying with me if they were the “younger” generation (the ones who were kids when I was, basically). I certainly have no objection to friends and wandering folk musicians staying at my place, and I’ve let other cousins crash in my spare room before when they were having life issues that led to a housing gap, but I’m more at “the futon is over here, and I also have some air mattresses if not all of you want to share a futon with each other” rather than “here is the guest suite, please appreciate the pillow shams and decorative soap” in terms of how set up I am for company at the moment.

      However, the “older” generation, and most specifically these particular relatives, would be pretty stressful as sudden houseguests. Thankfully, mom has since convinced them to stay in a hotel, which will be better all around. If they had ended up here, I was mostly worried that they’d start “helping” me with my house set-up/unpacking boxes/worst case scenario buying me furniture without checking with me first or while I was gone, because I could totally see my aunt doing that. (I was also worried that my uncle would drink all of my fancy limited edition beer, and then be surprised that it was not easy to replace at the grocery store.) At this point, it sounds like they’ll be down for an overnight trip to come visit grandma while she’s in skilled nursing and then leave, which is probably for the best right now.

      Grandma previously lived with my mom for the past 15 years, and both mom and grandma want to continue with that if grandma can get walking again. They both say this even when the other one is not in the room, so I believe them. In a lot of ways, I suspect it would be better for mom if grandma went into assisted living instead (and she is looking into the steps for having a trust set up so grandma can qualify for medicaid even with her slightly-too-much -for-medicaid-but-nowhere-near-private-pay-assisted-living pension if we need to go that route), but grandma really, really wants to die at home and mom wants to support that. If grandma were actually dying of something in particular that would make sense, but she doesn’t actually have anything major “wrong” with her (she is even down to a single prescription medicine at this point) and is just gradually becoming more frail so I just don’t know how well this will go. (She doesn’t qualify for hospice at this point since she is healthy but frail and, as such, not particularly dying right now. She’s the youngest of 4, and all 3 of her siblings lived into their 90s and one is still alive as far as we know, so that side of the family is just long-lived folk, I guess.)

      As the only person in my family in the state with a regular salaried job right now (others are retired, self-employed, and/or on commission), I am strenuously avoiding all suggestions that grandma could come live with me, which no one but grandma is suggesting at this point because it’s pretty obvious that I can’t actually take care of her by myself. (Apparently as a small child I told her she could live with me someday? And now she just really, really wants to leave skilled nursing so she asks everyone who comes to visit if she can go home today, so if I’m the only one left visiting she will ask if she’s going home with me.)

      Mom and I are going to take a brief out-of-town trip this week since mom hasn’t been on a real vacation in years between grandma and a few other things. After we get back, if we don’t feel like we have a clear picture of what is going on with grandma’s care, calling that Family Meeting sounds like a good idea. (I HOPE mom has healthcare POA for grandma by now, but I don’t actually know. I know I don’t, nor do I want it given that it would make more sense for mom than me. There is some sort of something mom is getting organized involving a notary this week, so maybe that’s it. My role is more spending hours and hours keeping grandma company so she’s not lonely while mom tries to catch up on sleep and figure out paperwork, with a side of keeping an eye on level of care received from the facility during those hours.)

      In better news, it looks like PT came to see grandma today since when mom and I got back from lunch grandma had a new sheet of exercises she was supposed to be working on. She is also needing less assistance to transfer between bed and wheelchair than she did even a few days ago, so hopefully she will actually get strong enough to get around the house on her own again eventually.

      Tomorrow I will try bringing a card game up since grandma will probably feel well enough to at least pretend to play it for a little while and it should help to fill the awkward silences. I am bringing Apples to Apples, because grandma has never been a strategic player of board games regardless of age (she was a wonderfully patient person to play board games with when I was a child, but when I became an adult it was pretty clear that she wasn’t going to use multi-turn strategies even against other adults) and has not taken up card counting or complex strategic thinking as hobbies in her retirement. We play a 3-person variant where a card is also played from the deck as “the dog’s card” so there are always 3 choices for the judge. (Sometimes the “dog” wins!) Apparently grandma and mom will also sometimes play Yahtzee, but I refuse to play Yahtzee while sober enough to not make obscene drawings on the scorecard as commentary, so that’s not a good option for the three of us together.

      I’m going to bed.

  83. MOAS*

    It’s 1:30 AM. Can’t sleep. Thunderstorm earlier woke me up and scared the sleep out of me. Have an 8 AM gym class and lunch with mom later on. Even my usual breathing trick & “guided dream” isn’t working.

    2. Nita*

      Can’t sleep either. I’m going to regret this later when I’m responsible for solo parenting for most of the morning, but for now I’m just enjoying lying in bed awake without anyone bothering me :)

      1. Dr Dimple Pooper*

        I awoke to the sounds of my cat puking in my bedroom. Wide awake after clean up. My spouse fell back asleep within minutes.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Ah yes – we have experienced this a few times. Extra points when the cat barfs on the edge of your bed OR comes into the bedroom to barf. Then its clean up on aisle 11 WITH a bedding change.

    3. MOAS*

      Well eventually slept but ended up waking up with burning and weirdness that might be a UTI. First one this year, and super annoyed as I’ve been increasing my water intake the last few weeks. Too sleepy to drive anywhere but can’t sleep. Yayyy lol

  84. Trapped on Concrete*

    This is totally a first-world problem, but it’s driving me up the wall. My husband and I have pretty different hobbies. We also have young kids, so we can’t do these hobbies without each other’s support. And I’m getting the short end of the stick here.

    He likes to sun himself on the beach. We live very close to one (five minute walk), so it’s become a bit of an obsession. Every week, sometimes several times a week, I have to sit around in the heat, covered in sand, making sure that no one is eating sand/getting sunburned/about to need food or a bathroom. I wish I could just send him with the kids and stay home, but it’s too much for one person.

    I’d probably put up with this, but there’s no balance. We live in a big city, and I desperately need green spaces. Last summer, he made the “executive decision” that we don’t even go on our measly two week annual vacation. This year, too. Admittedly, both times there were good reasons, but still… He doesn’t even want to do day trips. I’m not sure I can just leave him at home with the kids and go myself – I’m done waiting for him, but the logistics are a bit complicated.

    Other than this, I love the guy. But this is killing me. This is what I need to recharge. I’ve got some very difficult work-life stuff coming up this fall and winter, and don’t feel like I’ve got any resilience left to deal with it. I’m wondering if I should be getting ready to walk away from this relationship. It seems like such a dumb reason, but when I signed up for better or for worse, I wasn’t ready to give up something so important to me for basically no good reason.

    1. Asenath*

      Send him to the beach with one kid and keep one at home while you relax out of the sun? Or re-think the idea of leaving him home with the kids? Does your city have parks, so you could get at to enjoy at least a little green space? Some cities have really major green space nearby; others, little urban parks. I don’t know if it’s really worth breaking up an otherwise good relationship while you’re already under stress from other reasons like work. It’s hard to make good decisions then. But it does sound like you could at least spend some time at a local park, and not always sitting on a beach!

      1. Nita*

        The trouble is, if I try to stay home the kids start screaming they want to stay with me. It’s annoying, but neither of us can convince them to leave the house if I need to stay behind and get something done. And he doesn’t want to go alone (and rightly feels that they need to get out the house and get some fresh air).

        We do have parks, but he’s not interested if it’s beach weather. If it’s pouring rain, or freezing, OK, sure, we’ll skip the beach, but that kind of isn’t helpful.

        1. Morning reader*

          Perhaps you could benefit from one of the parenting books recommended in another recent thread? I can’t imagine giving the children (or the husband for that matter) this much control of my life. In the situation you describe, I would simply walk out and tell the husband, “take care of your children, I’m going to the park by myself for the next few hours.”
          Or is he the only one who gets to issue edicts about how you will spend your time? If so, that’s your problem at the root of this lack of time for yourself.

          1. Trapped on Concrete*

            Eh, they’re good kids. But they’re a little irrational about spending time with me. It’s understandable because I usually work a lot, but this summer I’ve been home with them a ton and they still get all mommy-mommy-mommy a lot.

            1. fposte*

              But that’s not a reason for them not to have to go with daddy. Your phraseology makes it sound like they have to agree, and that’s . . . just not how being a kid goes. Sure, they have some free will in situations where it’s appropriate, but which parent handles their child care isn’t a decision for a small kid to make. So when they scream “No, I want mommy!”, what happens? Does one of you cave? If it’s you, what if you didn’t cave and instead said “Mommy will see you when you get back, but now it’s Daddy’s special time,” buckled them in, and went back inside? If it’s your husband, what if you said (quite truthfully) that they’ll settle down once they’re at the beach, have a good time, see you soon, and went back inside?

              1. valentine*

                I thought support each other was going to mean one of you goes hobbying and the other holds down the fort. Never expected your husband to be making all the decisions. I still don’t see why you all have to go together or not at all. If someone has a sprained ankle, does everyone go be bored in urgent care? Doesn’t everyone need time alone and in all possible groupings to build relationships? If your husband doesn’t know anyone else who will go to the beach with him (every chance he gets!), he’s got work to do. You’re not his personal HR.

                rightly feels that they need to get out the house and get some fresh air
                There are various ways of doing this, including your greenspaces.Why do all roads lead to him doing exactly what he wants and you solo parenting while he is nearby but enjoying himself? He can get sun while wrangling a kid or two.

                what if you said (quite truthfully) that they’ll settle down once they’re at the beach
                Yes. I’m thinking it’s like when children wail at daycare dropoff or when the babysitter arrives, but once you’re gone, they turn on a dime. If this seems too abrupt, you can always sneak out or leave and return once they’ve left. There’s someone here who made a show of leaving home, then snuck in to work from home so the kid wouldn’t seek them out during the day. Captain Awkward has a letter about a woman whose family doesn’t respect her writing time and barges in or calls her for all kinds of stupid stuff, yet her husband’s yoga time is sacred. I think the advice there might be applicable to your situation. I come from a “the parental no means no/laugh in your child’s face (regardless of age) if they think they get a say in anything” family. You’re at the opposite extreme. You want to aim closer to the middle.

                Last summer, he made the “executive decision” that we don’t even go on our measly two week annual vacation. This year, too.
                ¿Qué? (But if the vacation is him cruise directing while you tag along doing all the childcare while he enjoys himself, that’s something to reevaluate.) I hope it’s not too late for you to go alone or with someone else this year. Perhaps childcare and separate outings are something to plan for six months, then reassess.

    2. ..Kat..*

      When he goes to the beach, would you rather stay at home with the kids? Or send him with one kid?

      I think you should totally take a vacation by yourself. He can take care of the kids.

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        I don’t care which, I just don’t want to be there on every single nice day. Taking a vacation by myself feels weird, but I hope to do that as soon as I’m able. Unfortunately the youngest is so little that unless my husband is 100% on board with making it happen, it will be a very long time before I can go. I don’t know if I can last that long.

        1. fposte*

          While there’s a bigger problem overall, it seems that the short solution is that if he wants to go to the beach, he goes alone while you and the kids stay home. There’s no reason why you should do your single-mom-of-three routine at the beach when you hate the beach.

          And while I’m not suggesting you abandon your children, are you really suggesting that if you went out for a day he just wouldn’t feed the baby just because he wasn’t 100% on board? Because you’re not 100% on board with the beach trips and he gets them all the damn time–why does he have to be 100% on board with your trips?

          2. Trapped on Concrete*

            Nah, he’ll feed her of course… if she’ll let him! He’s solo parented enough times that I think everyone will do very well most of the day. But I also expect the baby to get very ticked off that I’m not around at some point. Happens every time I’m gone for a few hours. Even when my husband says it went fine, the four-year-old provides a very detailed report of all the naptime and dinner battles :)

            1. Bagpuss*

              OK, but that’s art of parenting. I assume that sometimes there are dinner or naptime battles even when you are there, and if not, then as he gets more practice, your husband will learn how to reduce them, too.

              It’s actually OK to let him deal.

              Encourage him to take the kids to the beach while you stay home, or do as he does and make an esecutive decsion that this tim, you’re going to the park / other green space.

              Maybe sit down with him at a time when you are neither of you stressd and set out what you have hear, that it’s as impoirtnat to you that you spend time in parks nd green spaces as it is to him thathe spends time at the beach, and you want the two of you to start committing to supporting both of those needs, so neither of you feels that they are missing out or being takn advantage of.

              Tlak to him about the holiday, too.

              Whydid he feel it was OK to take the decision unilaterally? Did he think that you had discussed / agreed it (i.e. is this a communication problem?) or did he assume that it was his decision to make without your input?

    3. Lcsa99*

      You mention that he’s twice made this “executive decision”. Have you tried talking to him? Told him what you need in order to recharge? If you haven’t said anything yet, that’s the first step because he can’t read your mind.

      If you have actually come right out and said it (no hints!) and he is still insisting on the beach and no real time off then I think you’ve earned at least an afternoon out leaving him with the kids.

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        Oh, of course I told him! I mean, he had really good reasons to stay home both last summer and this summer. I’d have to be an insensitive lump of coal not to recognize that. But he’s missing the forest for the trees. He might be making the right decision in the short term, but this is running me into the ground and I’m not sure how it will shake out in the long term.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Have you told him that? If you’ve told him that this is running you into the ground, that it seems incredibly one-sided, and that you’re not getting what you need for your mental health and the health of the relationship long-term and he’s still saying “too bad, you’re coming to the beach with me multiple times a week and we’re never doing what you want,” then there’s a huge problem here that’s not about the beach. (And I’d think couples counseling needs to be your next step to see if the marriage can be saved.) But if you haven’t said that to him as clearly as you’ve said it here, you owe it to him and yourself to put it this clearly.

          Also, you’re doing all the accommodating while he’s not doing any. Part of the solution to that is to start asserting yourself and declining to go to the beach so often, and insisting (as he does) on the plans you want. Right now, you’re not willing to act like he does and you’re also not willing to say no to him, and you’re suffering for it (and your children will suffer for it over time as well, because your mental health is important for their mental health).

          Last thing: You’ve listed a lot of reasons why you can’t do anything you want — the kids won’t like it, he doesn’t like going to the beach alone, etc. None of those reasons are actually very compelling ones! I don’t doubt they feel like they are, but if you step back and look at it, they’re not and the fact that you’re giving them such weight suggests this situation has already really messed with you. The solution here can’t be that you live in misery while he gets everything what he wants. The kids will deal with you going out alone (tons of kids react the way you’re describing and yet deal with a parent needing to do something without them — they aren’t going to be traumatized by you leaving them with their other parent for a while, even if they want you to stay with them — this is a normal part of life for both you and them) and your husband can certainly deal with you not accompanying him to the beach every time. You’re giving everyone else’s needs WAY more weight than your own, when yours actually sound like the more urgent ones.

          1. HannahS*

            Yes, and I’d like to chime in as a kid who was very clingy–in the sense that some of my earliest memories involve screaming while being peeled off my mother before she went to work and then being peeled, screaming, off of my nanny when I went to kindergarten, and cried and insisted that only my mom push the stroller instead of my dad, even if my mom was tired–that you can 100% take time away from your children and they will be fine. They are with their father. And even if they weren’t, as long as they’re with an adult who will take care of their physical needs for one damn day, you can leave. You can leave! They’ll scream! It’s fine! I’m emotionally stable adult in medical school with close, loving relationships with both my parents. LET THEM SCREAM. It’s not more important than your well-being. You are not doing them a service. You are not doing your marriage a service. You don’t need your husband’s and children’s 100% approval. Take the time you need, and you can get him to agree–or at least tolerate it–later. You just need to know that he’ll take care of the children. Go.

            1. Trapped on Concrete*

              Hahaha, thank you! I needed to hear that. My second child is like this, to a tee. Maybe I worry about her way too much!

    4. BRR*

      For the beach, would he be able to go with another family? Would that be enough supervision?

      The executive decision is more concerning. It’s one thing if you both agree that you need to change plans. It’s another, and really big, thing for one person to unilaterally decide to cancel something that means a lot to the other person. If you haven’t made it clear that you need at least a short trip, I’d start there.

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        Yeah, this works out better when he can go with another family. But that’s not always. And I still have to come along to help carry the stuff (one of us takes the stuff, and one of us takes the baby…)

        The executive decision thing… so last summer, his mom died after an illness. Of course he cancelled the vacation. And of course I didn’t argue. But we were both burned out from caregiving, and when it sank in that I’ll need to keep showing up at work on the days I meant to be out, I realized that I’m starting to size up passing trains to see when is a good time for jumping. So I told him that I’m OK with no vacation, but I’m taking a staycation. Stayed home for a week, took the older kid to parks and museums, and that was basically it – I couldn’t drive out of town because of migraines. And this summer, he’s saving up his vacation to watch the baby when I go back to work. Also a good reason, but ugh, I’d rather put her in day care two weeks earlier if it means we get out of here for a bit.

    5. Scandinavian in Scandinavia*

      Is your husband decidedly irresponsible when left alone with the kids? If not, let him take the kids while you do something else – and alternate, so you both get to enjoy your hobbies. Single parents manage their kids at the beach etc all the time.
      Parks with playgrounds nearby?

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        He’s very responsible, but there’s three of them and the youngest is still nursing. Sadly, the husband is not interested in parks unless we’re there for an event or to meet someone.

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          Why can’t you take the baby to a park since you’re still nursing and hubby has to entertain the other kids? No one gets a choice, not hubby or older kids, you just grab baby and diaper bag and go to a garden for a few hours?

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Sadly, the husband is not interested in parks unless we’re there for an event or to meet someone.

          And you’re not interested in beaches, but you go anyway. Why is this so one-sided?

          But also, you do not need to travel in a pair 100% of the time. You get to do your own stuff, and if he’s not interested, he needs to watch the kids while you do it on your own some of the time. Yes, you have three and one is nursing, but you can make this work. If one of you needed to travel for a week for work or a family emergency, you’d make it work. If you’re talking about divorcing over this (or if you were serious about the train thing above), this is as serious as that (more so, in fact) and you can treat it that way.

          Right now it sounds like he’s the czar and gets to do whatever he wants — and gets to make you do it too — while you’re given no agency whatsoever. Either he’s doing that to you, or you are — and you’ve got to figure out which it is and change it.

          1. Trapped on Concrete*

            Yes, it’s really one-sided! I mean, I knew who I’m marrying, and he does tend to have trouble seeing my point of view until I’ve made my case about 1500 times. Maybe I need a different style of arguing, I’m not sure. He does come around eventually, but this time I’m running out of patience for “eventually” to come.

            The doing all things together thing is really dumb. I only know one other couple who does things this way. We really need to get used to doing stuff separately if one of us will be bored to tears… or rather, he needs to get used to this, I’ve been telling him that it’s inefficient and annoying for years and years.

            1. Poptart*

              If you got divorced, presumably either of you would have all 3 kids at one time without the other’s support.

              Why does that seem like a more reasonable solution to you than leaving all 3 kids with him at the beach/at home while you go to a park now? They are the same thing.

              I think you need to have a conversation and possibly couple’s counseling about meeting your needs. You don’t need to “convince” him to see it your way, you should be able to say “hey babe I want to go to a park on Saturday, do you want to come with and we all go, or would you rather stay home with the kids?” And not have the end result be that you take the kids while he goes to the beach.

              1. Trapped on Concrete*

                It seems like a reasonable solution because, oh, maybe 50% of my time would be mine to spend as I see fit, without any explaining or justification needed. I’m not scared of solo parenting for the other 50% (and I have confidence in his solo parenting skills, too).

                1. Poptart*

                  But…you can get that now, without the increased expense and effort and time and drama of divorce. Maybe it will come to that, maybe it won’t. But a lot of divorce is going to be “I need you to pick up the kids on time for your weekends” and “Could you take the kids this weekend so I can do X?” and you’re struggling with that right now. I don’t see how divorce will make that part easier, and you can get that 50% back now with more honest communication and you holding your ground. And therapy and couples counseling.

        3. KR*

          He’s your husband and you’re interested in parks/green spaces/day trips, so he needs to either become interested or decide he’s going to do something he’s not 100% thrilled with in order to make you happy. That’s what spouses do and I think it’s really reasonable to expect him to want you to be happy and make concessions and compromises so both of you are happy. Like this is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask and expect of him.

          1. valentine*

            He could also be thrilled to make it happen for you and tell the kids, “We’re going to xyz while Mommy goes out,” which they should be excited to do for you because love and appreciation, and then you have stories to tell each other.

    6. Overeducated*

      I think it’s time for an executive decision that you’re doing a few day trips, maybe even a camping over night. I am not understanding why his not wanting to go on a day trip matters but your not wanting to go to the beach doesnt – does he just start doing what he wants, while you look for agreement or approval? (I ask because I’ve run into this in my marriage, and have had to change my communication style to be MUCH more blunt and demanding than seems polite to me, or my husband literally doesn’t understand the importance.) What would happen if you said “this is what we’re doing on the 10th, here’s what we need to pack and we have to leave at 9 am”?

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        I think he’s just better at nagging if I don’t do what he wants. I’m def going to start doing my own thing, but I feel like this is the end of the relationship right there. We’ve always worked out a compromise if we couldn’t agree on something, so saying “you know what, I’ll just do what I like!” is not how we’ve worked in the past. Oh well. I guess I’d rather be alive and not depressed, than stuck like this.

        1. Overeducated*

          I just wonder if there is an in between here, something between asking for approval and giving up on the relationship entirely. It seems possible he may not realize how vital this is for you if he thinks it’s in the “it would be nice if….” category rather than the “this HAS to be a priority” category (again perhaps drawing too much on my own experience), and I think maybe there’s an “I’ve planned a day trip and it’s very important to me that we go, I need you to help me make this work by packing the diaper bags and lunches the night before” kind of framing that isn’t asking or negotiating, but isn’t “fine I’m leaving by myself and we’re not a family unit anymore” either. But maybe you have tried reframing, you sound pretty exhausted and frustrated and with all that’s gone on that’s very understandable.

          1. Trapped on Concrete*

            That’s true. I just don’t know how to get it across to him that this IS vital. He pushes himself hard, and I think he thinks I’m also made of steel. Maybe he’ll realize it when I collapse, but I’m not down with that any more.

            1. fposte*

              I gotta say, I’m not convinced that’s the problem. This shouldn’t have to be vital for you to be able to do it. And maybe he’s still depressed from his mom’s death, maybe he’s anxious about money or whatever and struggles with any changes, but *that doesn’t change your right to these things*. It’s not okay for him to say, literally or figuratively, “You can only get what you want when I’m convinced you’ll die otherwise.”

              1. valentine*

                It’s not okay for him to say, literally or figuratively, “You can only get what you want when I’m convinced you’ll die otherwise.”
                The threshold for you should be the same as it is for him: “You’re my spouse.” Your family isn’t a court of law and he’s no more its judge than you are its prosecution/defense. You shouldn’t have a burden of proof or to mount a vigorous defense over everything you want and you asserting yourself shouldn’t be a dealbreaker for him.

                When you need something, your family should be helping you get it, just as they would hand you the remote or pass the gravy. You probably need the most sleep. Is everyone quiet/do they leave the house so you can nap? If you needed a certain food or to avoid one, would that be possible, or can your husband not bear to have limes in the house, while you tolerate his ketchup?

            3. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

              Maybe you could make a list to illustrate how one-sided this is. One set of columns is stuff he wants/likes to do (beach, etc.), another set is stuff you want/like to do (parks, etc.) and maybe a third set is mutual wants/likes (anything???). Then put a check (or maybe a date) in each column where you did those things. From your description, it sounds like his columns will be full and the rest pretty much empty. You absolutely should not have to do this, but maybe it could help wake him up.
              The thing is, if your marriage ends over this, then you will both have to figure out how to manage 3 kids by yourselves on whatever your alternate custody periods are anyway. Much better to figure it out and stay together if you can.
              I really hope it gets better for you soon.

            4. Not So NewReader*

              I have seen some women push themselves to they collapse and their husbands STILL don’t get it.

              Don’t mess up your health because it’s easier than reasoning with this guy. Then you will have to get yourself well before you can try to reason with him. So this gives you yet another hurdle to jump.

              And I really feel for ya because to me sitting in the hot sun is the LAST thing on earth I want to do. I don’t need the headaches and nausea.

              In reading your posts here you sound exhausted and in total despair. It’s time to get your NO on. Tell him he can take the kids to the beach so you can rest. OR Tell him that you would like the four of you to go to the park more so you will go to the beach with him after he goes to the park with you.

              Can I ask? Is he the only breadwinner, are you not working right now? There seems to be a thing where people who make the money decide that because they work earn all the money they get to make all the decisions. The times I have seen imbalances in a relationship, a lot of it revolves around who brings in the money or most of the money.
              There is a “rationale” behind it. The idea people can get is “I have to pay for everything for everybody all the time and I want a slice of the pie. It’s MY money! I don’t mind sharing but I want a turn and I NEVER get one.” This line of thinking can go off the deep end. I remember my father had at least 30 pairs of pants and 30 shirts for work. I had two pairs of pants and two shirts for school. That was it. And I remember him telling ME that it was sinful that I had so many clothes. I could not even argue with him because that remark was so far removed from reality. [If that happened to older and wiser me we would have counted his clothes and then gone to my closet and counted my clothes.]

              If you can’t get him to talk it through with you, couple’s counseling would be a lot cheaper than running you health down to nothing.

              1. Trapped on Concrete*

                I’m sorry, that sounds terrible! I’ve definitely seen the money thing break up marriages. I’m not working right now, but it’s only temporary and we’ve had this dynamic going on since much earlier. He’s very much aware how much we’re saving on child care right now, because usually we both work and the little ones need full-time care.

        2. Reba*

          A few thoughts.

          “you know what, I’ll just do what I like” IS a form of compromise.

          Rather than nagging, could you think of these convos as advocating for yourself?

          Good for you for seeing the signs of burnout coming. I’m glad too that you have a pretty good sense of what you need to avoid it–now it’s just about making it work. I know it’s so hard with little ones.

          Finally, a post partum-whatever screening might be worth doing, if your doctor hasn’t done the questions already. The feeling of being trapped pinged that for me, and I feel like it’s at least worth ruling out.

          Good luck!

          1. Trapped on Concrete*

            Thanks! I’m 90% sure that the way I feel is not PPD – I’m actually feeling pretty relaxed and happy with parenting by now. I’m just really frustrated because I keep waiting and waiting, and lately I’m not feeling great physically so I’m worried that I’m one health crisis away from not being able to drive myself anywhere, hike, or do active stuff ever again.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              PPD isn’t just about parenting — it’s about YOU. Your baby is still nursing so Dr visits are still common. Put yourself on the agenda and ask to be screened. Why? ***You have mentioned evaluating trains for suicide***
              That alone makes it worth talking with a professional.

          2. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Yes! It’s not “never mind then, I’ll do what it on my own and we’re no longer a unit.” Healthy partners don’t need to do everything together! It’s “cool, I get that it’s not your thing, so I’m going to spend half a day there by myself because it’s important to me, can you help me make that happen?”

            1. Trapped on Concrete*

              That’s exactly what I said two days ago. And I put a date on the calendar. I’ll see how it goes…

    7. Anon for this*

      This is a pretty standard parenting problem— the trade. My solution: He gets X hours for sunning by himself. In exchange, you get X hours by yourself to recharge in a park or to pursue your hobby. It revives each of you, it’s fair, and everyone should be happier in the end!

    8. WellRed*

      The problem isn’t that he likes sitting on the beach, the problem is that you don’t like it and he doesn’t care that you don’t. If you have truly been clear about your needs, that’s a big problem. If you haven’t been clear, speak up. Good luck.

    9. Book Lover*

      Have you made it clear to him how you feel? That you are close to breaking point? You need a couples counselor I think. And it may be time for you to make an ultimatum. Even a few hours a way with a pump might help if you do it regularly.

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        I wish! No one in our entire extended family has ever done counseling, not even the couples that could have benefited from it. It’s not a thing with them so I doubt I could convince my husband to go. I did try to get individual counseling a few months ago, but got so bogged down in figuring out who takes my insurance that I gave up.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          You need to continue with the counseling. Lots of good advice here, but it seems like you can’t make any of it work because it will be pushing against a mountain. That’s a hard place to be. But you HAVE to do that. Or 10 years from now, 20 years from now… what is your life going to be like? Still no way to say “no” and still not being heard? Teaching your children (Sorry) that nagging and careful framing and tiptoeing because “no one in his family ever has done counseling” is okay as an excuse?

          I do not mean to be harsh. I have friends – and I myself – came out of marriages older, and damaged, and with wasted lives and kids that don’t respect, because we did the accommodation dance. We did it at home, we did it at work. We never learned to have boundaries, to say no, to be a partner not a servant.

          So it’s not about the beach or the trees. It’s about being heard, respected. Having your no be no. Having an ability to rest.

          You are already way ahead of some of the women I know, because you DO know what you want. (Some of us had that beaten, shamed, or socialized out of us and can’t even say pizza or chinese now for dinner).

          And you are brave and strong because you ARE speaking up here and you are looking to preserve yourself. You are getting good advice and practice here. You need a little help and practice at home. You can say no – like you can at work – and mean it. It may not be pleasant, but there is always an option, which may be learning to tolerate his mood, unpleasant words, or the silent treatment… whatever manipulation he uses to “be stubborn” doesn’t have to always win. (and by option, I do not mean the nuclear self harm, please don’t let it get to that). Then you take the step after that.

          Wishing I could have told my younger self to stand up and ask… so trying to help you. Understand that… and speaking for my friends who are living with the aftermath of their kids seeing a less than stellar “marriage” (not partnership) with the parents.

          It’s not easy, but you can do this.

        2. PB*

          Without counseling, this may end in divorce. If you lay it out in those terms, would he be more likely to give it a try? Counseling doesn’t solve every relationship, but if there’s a chance, then it could be worth it.

          I am sorry you’re going through all this. I hope you can get what you need soon.

    10. Batgirl*

      I think a lot hinges on 1) how much you trust him to value your happiness when making decisions and 2) How comfortable you are with making your unhappiness plain, immediately and sticking to it, because it’s a key factor in joint decision making. If you think you can get one and two in place, well I think a babysitter is probably cheaper than a divorce. I’d phrase it in those terms. Get dinner and walk along the beach after. But if not, then you probably can’t be happy with his ‘executive decisions’. I think you should be happy for more than a few weeks a year anyway.

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        I trust him 100% to care. But I also trust him 100% to be bullheaded and stupid.

        1. fposte*

          My frustration (and I’m not even in the situation) is that apparently you have to frame your needs in exactly the right specific way in order to make him care enough to take action. Why doesn’t he care enough for that already? Is that a question you could outright ask him?

          1. Trapped on Concrete*

            I will have to ask. I just need to figure out the right words so I don’t sound terribly dramatic – “but don’t you care about meee any more?” I’m sure he does care, it just doesn’t sink in just how deeply upsetting this is. Very thick head. Very.

        2. Batgirl*

          Look, I love the beach but not at someone else’s expense. No adult needs a leisure activity so badly that they can be allowed to be blindly totting up a resentment bill they cant pay. One cancelled vacation and you’re willing to blow. Just don’t go the beach! There are other places! You’re smoothing over and accommodating an issue that should remain a conflict until he finds a way to make you for-real happy instead of pretend happy .

    11. Alex*

      Seems like the problem isn’t that you don’t like the beach and he does, rather, he’s only interested in doing what he wants, regardless of the work it makes for you.

      When you are at the beach, does HE make sure his kids aren’t eating sand, hungry, sunburned, or needing to go to the bathroom? (Somehow, I don’t think so.)

      That tells me a lot more about him than just his desire to go to the beach all the time. It’s not about the beach, it’s about reciprocity in your relationship. You’re nursing his baby now, which is a huge, physically exhausting task. He needs to be willing to give back to the family too, and it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to make any sacrifices to do so.

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        No, we split the work, but he enjoys it so it doesn’t stress him out. I don’t, so the more sand I find in my hair and my lunch, the more I want out (of this place? of this relationship? I’m not even sure any more).

        1. Jaid*

          Tell him that. Directly. You need him to remember that marriage is a compromise and right now, he’s not doing the compromising.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Agreed. Say this just the way you said it here. He’s turn it into a hill to die on? You don’t have to die on his sandy hill.

        2. Dr. Anonymous*

          Look, just say this as loudly as you need to to get it across: “I am sick to death of the beach and I’m not going to go anymore. I am going to the park once a week for my mental health. You can bring the kids along or stay home with them. Those are the only choices and it’s not up discussion at all anymore.” This is a LOT of steps short of divorce and you need it and he’ll be able to figure out how to cope and if he wants to discuss it he can talk to your back as you walk to the park.

    12. German Girl*

      You need to communicate your needs more clearly. Sit him down and tell him that it’s important to you to spend some time at the park each week and tell him you need to make this happen together – whether you actually go together or you go alone or with the baby and he stays home with the kids can be up for discussion, but that you go is not negotiable.

      Also, have a look at baby slings / soft carriers to help him carry the baby and the beach stuff without your help. That said, I wouldn’t let my husband go to the beach alone with three young kids for safety reasons.
      Maybe you can go to the park with the baby while he is at the beach with the older kids?

      My husband and I have an arrangement where we each get one fixed evening a week to ourselves, no discussion. I pump breast milk and spend my evening away from home with my friends.
      We usually manage to accommodate each other more than once a week each, but having at least one mental health evening a week each is so important to us that we never plan anything else on Monday and Tuesday.

      You could do something similar but different, in that you agree that you decide what to do on your evening and he decides on his – so you might end up spending each nice Monday in the park and each nice Tuesday at the beach, and hopefully be flexible and listen to each other the rest of the week.

    13. IntoTheSarchasm*

      For several years, maybe 4-5, we would spend every Mother’s day at my Brother-in-laws house to celebrate with MIL and my three other SIL’s. Not a bad time but usually crowded and hot with lots of kids running around. One Mother’s Day, I told my husband to go have fun, take the kid to see Grandma, tell her happy Mother’s Day from me and give her the present I happily got because we got along well, and I went out for lunch and shopping. And continued to do that every year. Sometimes you have to say what you need and proceed as though it isn’t possible that someone could object. Channel some Miss Manner’s in her “I am sure you didn’t mean to ask me my age/weight/cost fo my purse, etc. and just put it out there.

      1. Trapped on Concrete*

        That sounds lovely. I’m glad you were able to get some me time and it didn’t cause drama! That speaks very well of your MIL.

  86. jDC*

    So I decided with my husband last night that I am going to start the process of doctors appointments that will eventually end in two knee replacements. I’m anxious.

    I was a pedestrian and run over when I was 15 (almost 37 now). I broke my left femur and was lucky to not have far worse injuries. I had a rod and pins in my leg which, due to my young age, were eventually taken out. Sadly, such a big injury just causes problems.

    I’ve grown used to my whole body being in some level of pain. Lots of hip and back pain due to being somewhat misaligned. There is no solving this. Certain things help but you break the biggest bone in your body it’s just going to be this way. My knees are shot and this last year been really bad. I can barely stand up from sitting without my knees not wanting to do their job.

    Part of the reason I say starting the process is because it’ll be at least a year or more before they agree to surgery. Insurance of course will put me through PT, scans, etc for a long time first. Yes, PT helps a bit but it isn’t the actual solution.

    I’m just anxious. It’s a big surgery, likely x2. I’m afraid of the pain, I’m afraid of it being worse, the recovery, being back on crutches, the scars. Just a bit overwhelmed.

    My dad is a doctor in Australia and said it really is time. I do want to do something before it’s so bad I can barely walk, heck some days that’s already the case. Just nervous and nervous this could also lead to hip replacement as that is also shot, but that theory is the new knees will better align me to help the hips. I have pretty much zero cartilage left in my knees and left hip.

    1. Jaid*

      My BFF finds that pot relaxes her enough for her to sleep through the pain. She’s been needing surgery for years, but she was considered too obese for it, not to mention asthmatic. She may have found a surgeon willing to work with her, though.

      Anyway, I know how you feel now and I’m positive you’ll feel sooo much better after you’ve had surgery. I wish you well.

    2. fposte*

      I know your situation is different than age-related knee replacements, but the people I know who’ve gotten knee replacements have found them a vast improvement; the PT is a bitch but it pays off. And, as you’re intimating, the knee problems take a toll on the rest of your body, so that’s another reason for sooner rather than later.

      I would say with the history you have, whatever you can do to make a good PT part of ongoing maintenance rather than a one-time solution will probably help you over the decades, too. See how much your insurance will cover annually for a situation like yours and find out what the OOP would be when insurance stops. I’d spend money on that rather than a gym membership.

      Good luck, and I hope the surgeries go well.

      1. Reba*

        My MIL resumed occasional SKIING after knee replacement. So it can make a big positive difference in one’s life! She did great with PT and now swims for regular exercise.

        jDC, it sounds like the thought of preparing for this surgery is digging up a lot of emotional stuff about your past trauma (which isn’t even really past; you live with its effects every day). Do you think some counseling, a support group, or even just a few sessions with an understanding friend could be a part of your process?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Really great advice here. I am thinking what it would be like for teenage me to be hit by a car and have a life time of difficulty. I think I’d be super ticked alternating with weepy/depressed when I was exhausted by it all.
          The time before a big event such as surgery can be almost more stressful than the surgery itself. The docs help our bodies but there are many times where emotional/pathological support at the same time is critical for the person involved. Docs don’t do that part, we have to seek it ourselves. Typically people find a support group. However, because your situation is so specific to you, then individual counseling might be a good supportive activity to help you along.

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        Yes, this. I worked in senior fitness and in the space of a year four of our instructors got one or both knees replaced! They were all really happy with the result and the increased ability to do things without pain.

        A tip they all had, was to push really hard in your PT, because the first few weeks of PT is what establishes your range of motion going forward, and unfortunately the window for making gains closes pretty quickly. And once their incisions were safely healed for swimming, they all *loved* water therapy.

        Good luck!

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending lots of nerve calming mental hugs.
      Per the (at least 5) friends who have had knee replacement(s) the anticipation is apparently much worse than the reality. My friend’s husband had both and a basically had a “I wish I could have gotten them sooner” response to the pain level of the actual surgery… the level of pain from the grinding and knee issues was much worse than the actual surgery pain (which they know how to minimize better because it is a contained event, not ongoing).
      Is there something of a relief to have a plan and path forward, that helps offset this? Will you be more pain free when you are on the other side?
      I am sorry – it sounds like a lot of suffering for the last 22 years!

    4. Imtheone*

      I had two knees replacements a few years ago, one in January and the other the next December. I, too, wish I had done it sooner.

      They can even be done both at the same time or eight weeks apart. If close together, even a young person probably needs to go to a convalescent/rehab center.

    5. Booksalot*

      I know three people who have had both knees done, but one at a time, and they all said that the undone knee starts to hurt worse after the first one is done. I don’t know if they’re putting more pressure on it during the replaced knee’s healing, or if the improvement in the replacement makes them realize how comparatively bad the unreplaced side is, but it seems to be a common issue.

      So, if you go that route, just be aware of this phenomenon, so you don’t get discouraged mid-process. They are all very happy with the end result.

    6. jDC*

      Thanks for all the good info to all. I for sure need it done, regardless of PT, which will always help to an extent. I can’t say I really experience trauma but perhaps in the back of my mind going back into a fairly serious surgery is in fact bringing some of those thoughts up. It was of course traumatic. I actually was overdosed in the hospital and almost died as well as the surgery being done wrong and having to be redone. A lot of drama for sure.

      It really helps to hear positive stories of people finally living without the pain post surgery. Just waking up and getting out of bed this morning was difficult, not to mention my knees ached to the point of having difficulty sleeping last night. That pain is making me a bit excited to have surgery actually knowing that I could likely not deal with it anymore. I’m only 36 so it for sure mentally upsets me to feel this much pain at this age and think how long it could continue.

  87. MatKnifeNinja*

    Noone picked up on this, but I’m throwing it out there even if you have already buried both your parents.

    Your husband may still be grieving his mom. Yeah it’s been a year, but I have found out through grief counseling, that second (It was for me) is more brutal than the first, especially if the person dying had a “long good bye”.

    Who knows what’s going on in your husband’s head. Men don’t usually share that type of hurt with their SOs. Found that out during my group grief counseling sessions.

    I was the primary care giver to my niece when my mom died. The first year was an absolute blur. Little kids have a marvelous way to distracting you. It sounds like you had sick mom plus you youngest either just born or almost here. That is a ton of change in a short amount of time

    Your husband may say he’s “fine”, but his actions scream otherwise. Whether it’s flat out still grief, or going through this big whole examination process of how his life should now move forward, something is up. I know (for me) every happy occasion was a bitter sweet buzz kill that second year. Frankly, going out and faking “happy” was painful. Birthdays, vacations, holidays all that is sort of murky grey veil over it. Those things can churn up a lot of unresolved issues in your past. If one dodges mile stones or events, you don’t have to deal with the other feelings. I wasn’t crying under my bed or checking out. You can still grieve going to work and doing all the normal stuff of daily living. I felt like I had a light grey veil over me.

    From what you wrote, this is a big enough shift from before mom died to after mom died, that I’m betting money on unresolved stuff/on going grief. But you know your husband, and I’m only getting this little snippet from this one situation.

    About leaving him with the kids and you going away for a day or two. If down time away from everything is like oxygen to you, and you need it for your mental health, you need to play hard ball. If you wound up in a hospital for an extended day or dead (heaven forbid on both), the baby would still get fed. Pump enough stash for a two day get away and freeze it. If the baby is still on the breast only, it might be time to get her used to taking a bottle with breast milk.

    You want a vacation with your family. That means you can continue feeding the baby how you choose. If you vacation by yourself, then there are compromises, which suck.

    How much the vacation is a hill to die on, I don’t know. You are totally not getting what you want or need. You aren’t going to change him, at least not without doing “The Talk”. The side note about you getting away for the day, is a stop gap measure for you keeping your sanity.

    Good luck in how you move forward on getting your needs met.

    2. Trapped on Concrete*

      I’m sorry about your mom. And I think you’re right. We went on vacations before because he wanted to get his mom out of the city for some change of scenery and fresh air. He hasn’t said so, but I’m sure that the idea of going without her is dredging up some grief. It would be nice if I could just let him alone and be sensitive to that. And I kind of expected all kinds of grief repercussions for us as a family, and this isn’t the worst that I imagined by far (hoping it will stay that way). Still doesn’t make it any easier to be wasting the most precious thing I’ve got, time, and I’m going to figure out some way to put a stop to this.

      1. Julia*

        I get that, but even then, your husband doesn’t get to grive 100% at the expense of your mental health. He needs to talk to someone else and find different way to cope, and he needs to listen to you and your needs.

  88. Shiny Swampert*

    So I think this is the name I used last weekend for my “I’m such a messy horrible person” meltdown.

    Basically, after making a lot of progress on Sunday, I had a bit of a meltdown. I am feeling very alone, I’ve stopped checking out all the dating apps because NOBODY WANTS ME (except people who are far too far away to do anything about), I asked one of my friends if she fancied and she said and then when I sent her a list of dates that were possible for me she said . Which made me cry because I don’t have any friends who actually want to plan stuff with me and then do it.

    And the kittens got spayed and I missed them dreadfully (they were only gone 8 hours) and Girl Kitten has now peed and pooed outside her litter box and in taking the vet’s advice I think I’ve inadvertantly ensured I will now have three litter boxes forever.

    And I have no friends and I have no dating prospects and the house is an even worse tip now and the kid ended up not coming out with me to something I was looking forward to and I’m such a goddamn mess and i feel like every weekend for the rest of time will be me writing posts like this.

    So. There you go.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time!! Good vibes if you want them.

      I had to leave my kitties overnight when they were spayed (due to my work hours/ their vet’s surgery hours) and I missed them so much! Even though it seems like they spend most of the time ignoring me lol.

      The side effects of the anesthia may have affected her litter box habits, or she might be acting out a bit after her stay at the vet.

      I know the standard advice is a box for each cat, plus an extra box. But my 2 girls were fine with 1 box (small apt).

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        Yeah I think they would actually be ok with a single litter box between them (again small living space) as long as I cleaned it regularly, but seems nicer for them to have the option of one each even if they both use both. I’ll see how she does after she gets her cone off (I refuse to call it a cone of shame, btw, because why would you?!). Apparently before they came to me all five kittens and their mum used the same one. She was really distressed by the cone at first but seems resigned now, but I’d be massively unhappy about it if I was her!

        Thank you for the good vibes, much appreciated.

    2. Reba*

      A lot of things are testing you all at once. And it’s still only been, what, NOT LONG AT ALL since you instituted a major life change pretty much entirely under your own steam.

      It won’t be like this forever.

      {{{Virtual hug.}}}

      1. Auntie Social*

        My house is tip-ish, but getting better. On the dating front, I got up the courage to start looking around, maybe online date, then I got diagnosed with myasthenia gravis—so no one is going to want me now!! But the diagnosis makes me feel better, in a way: I’m not crazy and I’m not lazy. And if my MRI confirms it, then insurance will cover my droopy eye surgery. I’ll keep you posted.
        And I’m still cleaning 3 litter boxes as well.

        1. Shiny Swampert*

          Tip-ish but getting better actually sounds really good. I could shoot fit that actually.
          All fingers and toes crossed for insurance covering your surgery! Definitely report back.
          Good luck on dating <3

      2. Shiny Swampert*

        Thank you! I feel like it’s ages ago and I Should Be Fine By Now. But I mean it’s not that long in the grand scheme of things and I’m still healing from many things (relationship, family stuff, etc etc). And I’m taking action to heal those things, not just sitting around. I suppose sometimes it’s just hard to see all that. I had a long conversation with a new friend this afternoon and it helped.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Just wanted to add… sometimes I feel really overwhelmed, but you had super great advice last weekend, and maybe focus on one area (the house?) and not dating, until you feel success in the first small thing, and then branch out?
      Sometimes I distract myself from the wreck that has been my life, by over-focus on something new ( oh, look, I need to find a better way to save on my internet bill….) when I really have so many small fires burning that it feels overwhelming. I have to pick one where I have a plan, and triage the rest. Meaning, I write them down. And, like cleaning my inbox of email, is there one thing I can do in each area that is under 2-5 minutes? Okay, do it. (Renew auto club online, shred the paperwork). Is it too big to address right now (I can’t afford to spend 2 hours researching a “new” car insurance company “right now” because I have coverage and I have no clean bras for tomorrow unless I start the laundry).
      So maybe… because the house is a mess and you are at stress level with that, you are focusing on these other areas? I find that friendships and relationships have taken me over 9 months to grow and nurture from “this person could grow into a great friend” to “someone I can call in a dark time.” (and I am in therapy that helps with all of this, so 9 months is the tail end of a long process). I suspect that dating – a frontier I completely fear – is one of those things that will take a long time. Like a job hunt for a great job, it’s going to require a number of avenues, a lot of self-examination, some new tactics and re-writes, and a willingness to be okay with rejection for a long time to come.
      I think you are brave for even going out on the apps…
      Just wondering if your brain is screaming about that arena, since the other areas are feeling undecided?
      Maybe pick something smaller in the home and friendship arenas, but whittle away at the dating app “to dos” (modify picture or something simple) and just leave it out there for a while, and ignore it while you focus closer to your core needs (clean house, declutter) for a quick win of personal success?

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        Ah I just feel so very unloved and so very desperate for human touch. It’s been something like 2.5 years since I had sex and that was with Abusive Ex, and since coming off the antidepressants (they were messing with my sleep and it was Not Good, I’m better off then even though clearly not *good* off them) my sex drive has returned and I’m not really in the position to go out and find someone to kiss (honestly I’d be happy with kissing rn) so… apps it is. Although I officially gave up on them last weekend and haven’t done anything on them since (I deleted one and hid myself on two others, can’t find a way to disable the last one without deleting it entirely which is annoying) but it doesn’t notify me.

        Anyway. Yeah. I’m on the verge of asking friends if they know anyone I could hook up with :-|

        1. fposte*

          SS, you’ve been talking in terms of sexual romantic touch, but would other kinds of touch also be rewarding? Would you consider massage, or looking for organized cuddle parties or professional cuddlers?

  89. Aurion*

    Travellers of AAM: what is it about travel that you find enriching? And bonus question: is this something you can only get from travelling, or do you find ways to emulate this enrichment even in your home city?

    I don’t travel much, both because of logistics (vacation time/funds) and because I’m a homebody in general and I find dealing with the act of travel to be kind of a pain. When I do leave my home city it’s usually short trips, either with family or visiting friends, we hit up the tourist spots, eat food, chill and leave. I have a good time and take good pictures, but I don’t find the experience personally enriching in any way–it’s the company that makes me happy. I figure that’s because you can’t get personal enrichment from hitting up tourist traps over 3-5 days.

    The last time I was away for a length of time I’d taken a temporary job for a year…and that was enriching, but that was the first time I left home, so the growth was really about being an independent adult for the first time and dealing with things like bosses and rent and grocery shopping. Doing laundry at dark o’clock will likely not inspire personal growth in the same way again. :)

    So from someone who doesn’t get it (and who really wants to, if only on principle), what is it about travel that inspires and enriches you?

    1. Gloucesterina*

      Interesting question! I may not be a helpful answer, since my pocketbook also does not allow any travel beyond what I do to see family (I’m in the U.S. so things are pretty spread out!). But in theory I would love to travel to other states and countries just for the fun of it! None of this is a function of any desire for personal growth.

      I grew up in an area with some pretty spectacular outdoors, and where I am currently living is very underwhelming in comparison (although perhaps most places would be). I also lived in a city with underwhelming outdoors and a spectacular museum/art scene, the latter of which is also lacking in my current city. So my desire to travel is a mix of curiosity and excitement about things that I can’t get in the same form in my current locale. I also like the feeling of exploring a walking-friendly city or other locale–just being able to wander and soak up the general atmosphere of the place. Again, I can’t see how indulging this desire would lead to any new understanding or insight into myself (if that’s what you mean by personal growth). It’s more about taking quiet pleasure in an experience in the moment, I guess? I also feel like there is a lot of logistical annoyance and stress related to travel, so it’s not all sunshine and roses.

    2. NicoleK*

      Traveling is not everyone’s cup of tea. My MIL has no interest in traveling domestically or internationally. But her son loves to travel. For me, traveling serves several purposes: 1. I get to see and experience the world. See things, do things, and experience things that don’t exist in my area. 2. Vacations are relaxing for me. It’s a break from the job, every day life, and etc. 3. It takes me out of my comfort zone. Especially if the setting is of a different dominant culture and language and 4. It’s much easier to escape the relentless coverage of a certain politician while in a foreign country

    3. MinotJ*

      I love to travel, and I do it as often as I can. There are lots of little reasons (hot beaches, blue oceans, food I’ve never eaten before, etc). But the big reason is that I’m a big pile of stress every day and I haven’t found a way to let any of it go in my day-to-day life. But from the moment I walk into the airport, I have permission to relax. I check into a hotel and don’t worry that I’m behind on meal prep. I walk all over town, hike up to a waterfall, and don’t worry that I haven’t walked the dog twice today. I walk into the ocean in my clothes, and I don’t worry that I need to buy new scrubs for work again. It’s the only time that my brain shuts off and it’s glorious.

    4. Llellayena*

      I find two major benefits to traveling. I love to learn about other cultures and crafts and the best way is by immersion. I read and watch tv/movies about other cultures but there’s much more to it when you’re walking down the street in the middle of it. The same with crafts, the way to do something can be vastly different depending on the locality (a friend recently went to Bali to see batik dyeing, definitely not being done the same way anywhere else). Second, being able to see things beyond my apartment. I’m also very much a homebody but I push myself to vacation in part so I don’t spend my week off sitting on my couch reading. Seeing new things/places is refreshing for the eyes and the mind, even if it’s subtle enough that you don’t realize the difference.

    5. German Girl*

      I love learning about history and seeing the sites. It’s so much more vivid than just reading about it in a book.

      Also, I love nature and getting the opportunity to observe a different ecosystem than at home by hiking, canoeing, snorkeling …

      Yeah, and also not having to think about cooking and cleaning is nice.

    6. Dan*

      Traveling may not be your jam, and that’s ok.

      I grew up in a rather homogeneous area of the midwestern part of the USA. My family didn’t have lot of money growing up, so we didn’t really travel.

      Since I became an adult, I’ve been to 30 countries on 6 continents.

      Some things you cannot duplicate at home. Seeing wild orangutans in the jungles of Borneo? Can’t be beat if you like wildlife. Safari in Africa (or just going on “drives” in the national parks) and seeing wild lions, rhinos, elephants, etc? Can’t be beat if you like wildlife. Living on a ship for three days and snorkeling/diving the Great Barrier Reef in Australia? Can’t be beat if you like that kind of thing. Parasailing in the Himalayas? Fun times.

      Then there’s the simple change of scenery — the mere fact that things are *different*, that they aren’t the “same old, same old.” If you are trying or have an interest in learning a foreign language? Sure you can practice at home, but, there’s no better Spanish practice than walking into a restaurant in Spain where there is no English menu and the waiter doesn’t speak English.

      If you’re interested in sports, going to a live sporting event for something that isn’t played at home is interesting. I’ve seen cricket games, Ozzie Rules Football, a Spanish bullfight and a few other things.

      Then there’s the food, oh the food. But TBH, many times I can get something just as good back home. But the US lacks a street food culture, so that alone is a different experience.

      I do most of my travel by myself, and for the most part, avoid tour groups. I’ll note that when I’m with a group, the experience is “different” and usually less enriching. It feels less engaging and more like a “going through the motions” thing. I once went to a restaurant in Spain with my dad. The waiter didn’t speak English and they had a Spanish/English menu. Dad and I picked our way through the menu and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. However, 30 minutes into our meal, a small tour group came in and sat down. The guide spoke a lot in English but did all the communication with the wait staff. But, you know, when you’re with a group, for the most part food just shows up on the table and you eat it. I guarantee that group had a vastly different experience than we did.

      1. Lora*

        This. Where I live now is very nice and has excellent seafood and interesting history, music, etc. But the rest of the world is SO different. I like going somewhere for long enough that I can get a sense of what it’s like to live there full time and get a different perspective on the place I live. See how other people view the world and solve problems. Many have much better quality of life in at least some respects than I do, worse in others, but it would be nice to take the best qualities of many places and combine them. I like figuring out if I can incorporate the best parts of life in different places into my life at home: flexible work schedule to allow for siestas, late night milongas (age is no barrier to dance parties in South America), really good wine and fresh food, mosquito control (did not appreciate this until I had dengue), daily exercise, public transportation.

        Some things like cheap healthcare for everyone, reliable automated transit, durian ice cream, a near-total lack of homelessness, and public whippings for the perverts who grope women on trains are sadly things I will have to enjoy overseas only.

        It definitely provides a lot of insight into what is feasible, not only possible, and inspires some creative solutions. Was reading about how other countries approach transit in terms of cost management and having been to the countries compared in the literature, and used their transit systems, it was easy to understand why the NYC costs are so much higher than Spain and with worse service, why Boston vs Singapore are so different in cost even though they have about the same underground vs aboveground rail, etc. Tr

    7. Asenath*

      I traveled a lot when I was younger, then for a long time couldn’t manage any travel except some for work, and finally, a couple of years back, went on the first, really major trip in decades on my own. I love traveling because I see new parts of the world – even if, as in a short trip this year with my sister, it’s in my own province. The only substitutes at home are reading and TV documentaries, but nothing beats actually being there seeing the sights and the people firsthand. I don’t know if you’d call it “personal growth”, but I do get a lot of personal satisfaction from seeing new places. I have a lot of people ask me why I was going on my last big trip on my own, so out of curiosity I turned the question back on them. The most illuminating response I got was that a big part of the person’s pleasure was sharing the experience – she doesn’t enjoy simply looking at Amazing Sight if she can’t exclaim and talk over that experience with a companion. So clearly, different people get pleasure out of traveling in different ways. Some people also were afraid of getting lost in a strange place on their own – I’ve certainly gotten lost, but I’m probably more self-reliant and take initiative more because I’ve also got the experience of finding my way again!

  90. Gloucesterina*

    Can someone help me with a printer/Mac troubleshooting? My Macbook was previously printing to a printer with no problem (connected via a USB port+cable). I then attempted to print via the network (connecting to internet via ethernet cable, and saving the printer’s IP address into System Preferences). But I was unable to print via the network. I switched back to the USB port+cable method, but now I cannot print that way either. I looked at some troubleshooting websites online, tried restarting, resetting the printer system several times. But none of these worked. What’s weird is that the printer is showing as online in System Preferences, and when I attempt to send a print job, the printer “wakes up,” makes some sound as though it will begin printing imminently, and says something akin to “waiting for print data.” Then it stops making sound, the printer icon on the macbook with the print job status disappears, and nothing happens.

    Any advice is very very welcome! It’s especially mystifying to me that attempting to set up network printing correlated with the apparent end of my ability to print via a direct connection, and that the printer shows as online (the computer recognizes the printer), and that the printer seems to be getting some signal from the computer (it makes sounds, waits for data).

    :)

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      It sounds as if you’ve done all the normal things on the Mac side to reset things (resetting the printing system in System Preferences usually does it), but can you try on the printer side? You might have to look up the instructions. There should be some instructions, though, on how to factory reset your particular printer model.

  91. Anon for this*

    I put myself out there and asked out a guy who I share many mutual friends with/is in many of the same social circles as I do. I have a huge crush on him and we are friends. He politely said he was unable to date me. Less than a week later he asked out another one of our mutual friends. She said yes and they are dating exclusively now. I haven’t gotten over my crush on him at all and I can’t avoid them entirely because we are all part of the same circle and if I do I will hardly ever see my other friends. No one else knows he turned me down and I can’t talk about this with my friends because they are all friends with both of them also. The last guy I asked out before him also said no so my self esteem has kind of taken a beating lately. It doesn’t help that I sometimes think about how she is thinner and conventionally pretty where as I am neither. That crosses my mind sometimes. I’m just venting here because I can’t tell my friends in real life. I’m working on getting over my crush.

    1. fposte*

      Aw, bummer. Sounds like he was already into somebody else when you asked him, so probably anybody who asked would have gotten turned down. It can be hard when you’re a tight friend group like that, though, making it hard to tell friends things. I hope your crush on ol’ Snotface McFartyPants dies down soon.

    2. Lucette Kensack*

      Let me gently suggest that you CAN talk to your friends about this. Asking someone out and being turned down is not shameful, for you or for him.

      I obviously don’t know your friends, and I do know that tight friend groups can be sort of funky about this kind of stuff, but you should be able to grab coffee with one of the other people in the group and say “Ugh, I’m have a hard time with Javi dating Sindy. I’d actually asked him out like a week before they started dating and he turned me down. I’ve been into him for a while so it sucks to have to see them together.”

      (Also — yay you for putting yourself out there, twice! Lots of us never get to that stage because we’re too afraid of what you’re going through now. Congrats on being a badass!)

      1. Shiny Swampert*

        Yes. Totally. Also, you can arrange to see your friends in smaller groups – arrange to see one or two of them, not The Whole Group Every Time. If you’ve not come across the Geek Social Fallacies before, definitely Google them.

        I also agree that you’re a badass for asking him out.

    3. big X*

      First of all, CONGRATS! You put yourself out there (TWICE!) and you got an answer rather than stewing in a “could it have been?” You have so much courage for doing that – rejection SUCKS and you don’t know how many people would rather pine miserably than put themselves out there. In addition, it sounds like he already had feelings for this other friend and your confession spurred him to make his own – I know it’s not what you wanna hear, but you just inspired someone else to take a leap of faith as well and now you have two friends have connected with each other in a way they wouldn’t have without your help, if that’s any reward.

      Another thing to think about: if being conventionally pretty and thin are the only things you think are attracting him to Friend B, then do you really want to date this guy? It might also help to understand why you like him – I find that forced proximity (work, school, friend groups, volunteer groups) does a number on people and they hone in on people in that environment to find a romantic partner because it’s easier. If you identify the traits you like in him, I think it’ll be easier to recognize there are millions of guys out there like that – it’s just a matter of finding him in the wild, so to speak.

  92. LifeOrDeath*

    Warning – Family drama looong post. I am at BEC stage with my 27 yo niece who lives rent free with my 80yo parents (she lives in the basement). My cousin who is turning 40 this year and works full time has also lived with them rent free from when he came to live with them when he was 15 after his very disturbed parents kicked him out (his parents are both pshycopaths and very vindictive people) and has a room next to my parents. He has become increasingly bad tempered and condesending towards my parents, verbally abusive, and he does not do much for them to help out with anything and behaves as if the household is none of his concerne. My niece is the same and even let her boyfriend move in without consulting my parents and this has made everything very tense bc she and my cousin have sort of ganged up on my parents. The tension has been building ever since and finally my father (who was drunk at the time) blew up at my cousin and told him to get out and never come back – he left that night taking most his stuff with him. My son had been helping my dad clear the garage that same week so me and my sister joined that effort so we could store our cousins belongings that he left behind. Here is where I got to BEC stage with my niece – she witnessed my son opening a box with old cameras that my mother wanted my son to bring to our house (he is a photography enthusiast) – turns out they might belong to my brother who lives over seas and his daughter, said niece, started stirring up trouble and her patents are very suseptible to her drama. She went out and videotaped the pile of trash, think old paint cans and rusty nails, sitting in the open trailer we were using and sent it to my brother. The next day when we were still organizing the garage and hauling out stuff belonging to my dad, she stood there videotaping us, standing in our way with her arms folded protecting my cousins belongings that we were trying to organize for easy access for when he returns (he left the country the morning after the blow up). My saint of a sister shut her down when she started barking orders at us and double checking our work. The next day we had to clean my cousins room so repairs could be done, and seeing as he had not cleaned or dusted for over 20 years it was quite messy. My nice was lurking/spying on us the whole time and obviously texting our cousin and her parents, sending pictures from the previous days garage cleaning and behaving like we are trying to get away with something. I am at the end of my teather after all this (and previous drama caused by her), her hoarding (yes that too) and want my parents to give her a firm date to move out. My son was very upset when she started calling him demanding he return the cameras and talking to him like he is a thief – she has never, ever called him before and he was shaken by this. We had planned to call my brother ourselves and send him pictures and return the cameras if the are indeed his. My mother is very upset seeing as it was she who gave the cameras to my son and she is planning to call my brother and explain the situasion. I am so sick of my niece and her toxic ways that I have gone from barely tolerating her high maintainanse/princess ways to absoloutely loathing her to the extent that I can’t be around her. I know that my parents are exhausted by her but would like to help her out seeing as she has two more years left of her studies, but I fear that she will do irreparable damage to our family if she stays. I can’t deal with this constantly stirring, spying and freeloading person any more. How will I survive two more years of this crap, advice needed.

    1. Auntie Social*

      Get rid of her. Stick her in the dorms or send her back to her folks, but your parents should never live with her. Their excuse can be that they’re older and need some live in help or something. She’s not your mom’s problem. Mo thought it would be okay but the kid is insufferable, she doesn’t help at all, and she’s adding to mom’s stress.

      1. LifeOrDeath*

        At this moment I am powerless – to add to my angst my sister also lives over seas and so I am the one who most likely will have to deal with any and all emergencies. I genuinely hate my nice right now and want her gone ASAP

        1. Quandong*

          This sounds like a horrible situation, I’m sorry.

          Have you already looked into any Elder Abuse laws applicable in your parents’ area? Have your parents asked you directly for help to deal with Niece?

          Do you think they would be receptive to speaking with anyone outside the family about this?

          If you don’t have any legal authority to make decisions on behalf of your parents it seems as though you can’t make Niece move out. (Do your parents have paperwork in order re who has power of attorney?)

          My main suggestion for you is to detach from the situation and go to counselling if you aren’t already doing so. I’ve found it incredibly helpful to speak with counsellors when my family situation was tangled and I had no power to change the outcome for vulnerable (but not cognitively impaired) older relatives.

          1. LifeOrDeath*

            Pls read my answer to WellRead – it is for the both of you / Btw thank you, I feel less crazy thanks to you

    2. WellRed*

      She’s 27. Why isn’t she supporting herself? And she’s already doing damage to the family.

      1. LifeOrDeath*

        She is earning her own money and her boyfriend too – she is SO entitled it is not even funny

        1. WellRed*

          Are your parents safe? Could she or Bf be abusing them? Since your dad got rid of the other freeloader I am hopeful they don’t feel under threat. Also, I’d be concerned about her stealing from them or manipulating them in some way.

          1. LifeOrDeath*

            To be clear I do not think she is abusing them – she is a MAJOR pest. I do not live in the US and do NOT think this has escalated to elder abuse BUT I miss my patents and I miss being able to talk to them freely without STASI ears listening to me, and I use the term STASI deliberately – I hate this situation – but they are safe from harm, there are NO drugs or such abuse involved – just pure bsd upbringing and personality defects involved – still hard

            1. valentine*

              It may not be physical (and would your parents feel safe to disclose?), but it is elder abuse. The three of them ganging up on your parents was elder abuse and niece/boyfriend have no reason to stop. The rent-free portion is financial abuse and I have to assume it’s not just rent. Are nice/BF paying for anything? Anyone prepared for when they start having kids your parents will have to care for? If there are no relatives or friends who can help, call adult services and see what they can offer.

              2. LifeOrDeath*

                The boyfriend is a nice guy and he has helped my dad with some maintainance but my niece keeps him in the dark so most communication goes through her and I believe he doesn’t even know that my niece never asked my parents permission to move in – my niece and cousin are the ones ganging up on my parents. I have asked my parents not to let my cousin come back after the repairs to his room are done bc I feel it would be a HUGE mistake and realy rewarding him for bad behaviour by renewing the laminate floors and painting the room – plus the terrible duo would grow in power and push me out which is what I feel has happened over the years and I don’t want everything regarding taking care of my patents to be under a cloud of suspicion and ill will. Ideally I would like them to move closer to me and my family, to a more easily managed smaller house before my fathers eyesight (it is failing) gets too bad for him to drive and it would be easier for me to check in on them – I live 30 minutes away – I worry about my mom getting another stroke, she had one a few years back and neither my cousin nor my father saw anything wrong with her even though half her face didn’ t move. A friend of hers alerted me and when I arrived it was clear what had happened and it had been going on for a week by that time – she made a really good recovery

  93. SAHM*

    Pretty sure I broke my toe last May/June end of school year craze, and I just ignored it bc…. well… it’s a toe. Not much you can do with a broken toe. They can’t cast it. So I ignored it and ignored it and ignored it, but lately I’ve been having trouble with the foot, when I walk around on it too much I get pain around the ball of the foot under the toe I broke. So I tried taping it to alleviate the pain and that WORKED! Except the hubs was like, nope, it’s been months, if you’re taping the foot it’s messed up and you need to go to the doc. So now I’m getting ready to go to urgent care for an X-ray I’m pretty sure is pointless, but at least he’s watching all four kids. Maybe I can swing out and go shopping sans kids after the pointless X-ray.

    1. fposte*

      Also have a look at metatarsal pads. I have an old stress fracture and need met pads in shoes for that foot.

      I like your husband’s view that you should have medical care, but I’m with you in thinking that this is likely a live-with-it thing; part of life is starting to accrue body things that don’t get fixed but get managed. However, urgent care may at least give you a referral to a podiatrist or foot orthopedist who can give you better management tips, so maybe it’s worthwhile for that.

      1. SAHM*

        Thank you! I’ll look into that! I fractured my foot around this time last year and all they did was give me some kind of boot thing that’s not very supportive (think platform with a couple straps, not a full on boot).

        1. WG*

          I agree with your husband. Having the foot looked at by a medical professional is a good idea, just to know for sure what’s going on and how best to treat or manage it. As fposte noted, it could just be one of those things that needs to be managed. Or there could be more going on than you realize. When pain from an injury doesn’t dissipate in the expected time frame, it’s worth a closer look. Could be related to the broken toe or could be a completely different issue.

    3. SAHM*

      So, I did, apparently, break it back in May but it’s healed and I now have a “contusion” (?? I guess a bruise?) on the side of my foot. I’m ordered to “do warm compresses and elevate it”. So soak it in the tub and then lay down. My husband is demanding I wear shoes in the house now and joking that he’s going to buy me steel toe boots…

    4. Nita*

      I hope you at least got some blissful alone time! Even broken toes can have something good come from them.

  94. PossiblyEnoughDetailToBeIdentified*

    It’s my birthday tomorrow, and of course I’ll be in the office. That hasn’t stopped a million and one people (oh, alright, my mother-in-law, aunt & uncle-in-law, my boss and two coworkers) asking what I’m doing. Apparently “going to work” is the wrong answer!

    We’re taking the week after off – hopefully this weather will improve! I’m looking out our patio doors at torrential rain (I hope the residents of Whaley Bridge are doing ok!), and wondering how to celebrate my birthday in an “appropriate” way.

    FWIW it’s not a “big” birthday – that’s next year, and MIL is *already* asking what gifts I want! [sigh] – she just refuses to acknowledge that sometimes I don’t *want* gifts! I’ve learned to accept them with grace, because the gifts are all about her, not the recipient. It’s nearly time for the annual purge – maybe I could celebrate my birthday by hiring a skip? Perhaps they could even put a ribbon on it!

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      If you are taking the week off after, then just say that plus (a quiet dinner for the two of us) or whatever non-committal response you want.
      In at least part of the cases, it is because they do want to show they love you and care, and “they” would personally be hurt if no one asked them. (So it isn’t really about you).
      You can do the similar diverting thing – “what’s the best gift you ever got?” Or “I’m thinking of picking a charity project to donate to” (The school supplies one was just mentioned upthread, so you could do that)…

      Divert the conversation quickly and throw the ball back in their court. If they are truly listening and fishing for gift ideas, throw in something that you can donate or that you do want (oh, I’m just saving the money to go on that trip the week after… or “I asked hubs for a gift to “X” charity, this year… we are looking to support them as our gifts to each other…”

    2. coffee cup*

      Going to work doesn’t mean you’re doing nothing for your birthday! I’m doing the same, but also my mum is taking me to dinner. You don’t *have* to do anything. If they ask, just say it’s a quiet one for you this year. If they don’t like that, too bad! It’s your birthday, celebrate how (or not) you wish!

    3. Pam*

      Ha! Mine too. Going to work as well, but my coworkers and I will go to lunch.

      Happy Birthday to us!

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A friend claims she once had her mother call on her birthday evening–and got her off the phone in record time. When asked what she & husband were doing for her birthday, she said “well we WERE working on your grandchildren but that mood is broken now.”
      Not suggesting this, but giving you the laugh..if anyone is still readin.

  95. MOAS*

    Alright so. My anxiety is at an all time high. I started crying in the middle of target and sat in my car for 20 minutes crying. Idk if this is spiraling. I have 1 more chore I Have to do then I am going to hide out in my room til tomorrow.

    I went to urgent care and explained my anxiety etc and they said they don’t give anxiety medicine.

    I see my therapist(?) tomorrow or Tuesday to talk it out.

    I see my doctor Tuesday (hopefully) to (hopefully) get a refill for Xanax.

    In the meantime, what can I do to feel better? My go to would have been to take sleeping pills and knock out for the rest of the day but I don’t want to do that.

    I don’t have friends or family to talk to.

    1. the name field is required for this post*

      Maybe you might find an online journal community site helpful? That way you can write it all out, read other people and other people will read on your entries (& not just wait for weekend threads on here)
      You could try prosebox or open diary or there are likely others around but those seem to be the most popular ones.

      I hope your anxiety gets better and you can discuss what spiked it with your therapist – did you go to lunch with your mom?

      1. MOAS*

        Never heard of those. Would like to know more, any suggestions?
        Whats spiking it is work related, so I can’t/won’t get in to it here. I did go to lunch, and ironically, that took my mind off things and I was able to relax for a bit.

        1. the name field is required for this post*

          I mean, I can only tell you what googling them will tell you. I’ve been part of both of them and I really do find the online community helpful, like posting here. But you might want to give it a try.

          1. MOAS*

            oh sure, i’m sorry I thought maybe there were like hundreds of them and wanted to get a recommendation. I’ll google them.

      1. MOAS*

        Sometimes, I was planning to to day but b/c I was up most of hte night, I didn’t sleep well at all. Plus I just got my period and I hate exercising during that time.

        1. university minion*

          When I’m in that exact state, I find going for a walk to be something that I can handle and is just as therapeutic as a hard workout. Jedi-hugs if you want them.

    3. BRR*

      Have you tried guided meditation? Exercise? L’theanine is an anti anxiety supplement available at places like vitamin shoppe.

      1. MOAS*

        Not sure what that is, I will google it.
        I did pick up l-theanine and gaba supplement from Target. Didn’t take it while I was out in case it made me drowsy while driving but I’m home now so I took 2.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending hug. If I remember correctly, you were up in the middle of the night from the thunderstorm? So it may be that you need to be extra gentle with self because of the sleep deprivation. A foggy brain doesn’t do well (I’ve been sleep deprived and that exacerbates everything).

      Is there an in-between step between knocking out the whole day, and spiraling? What’s worked in the past? Did you get to the gym? Can you go now and work out to take the edge off? combine your coping strategies?

      But yes, exhaustion can make it all so much worse!

      1. MOAS*

        That’s true. I did get in a few naps here and there this morning before just deciding to get up and get on with my da by heading to urgent care etc.

        I picked up stress vitamins (Gaba & Ltheanine)

        99% of my anxiety is related to work, so just doing a few action items with that might help myfeelings.

    5. Policy wonk*

      Re-watch a favorite movie or re-read a favorite book. I have a couple of old paperbacks that are lightish, quirky stories. When I need to escape real life one of them is sure to help. And as I’ve read them many, many times, I don’t need to worry about paying attention to the story.

      1. Thursday N*

        Yes, this is a great idea, and something I do to feel better.

        On another note, do you find yourself taking Xanax quite frequently? You’ve posted here several times about it, and I find myself a bit concerned. There are other anxiety medications that are not habit-forming, and I strongly encourage you to ask your doctor about those.

        2. Anon for this*

          I agree, this is quite alarming. Going to urgent care in particular is drug-seeking behavior. Please be aware of the addictive nature of Xanax.

          1. MOAS*

            Sorry I didn’t mention this fully—I went to urgent care for a UTI I had. And mentioned the stress/depression/anxiety

        3. MOAS*

          My rx lasted me about 6 months so I am not addicted. I don’t know about any other meds, but I haven’t had a bad reaction to this one.

          I would love to talk to a dr in more detail about different medications and what would work for me.

      2. MOAS*

        Policy wonk, I listened to some cats meowing and babies giggling. That actually put me in a better mood.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Breathe in through your nostrils. Then breathe out slowly through pursed lips. (Pursing your lips is to help you let it go slowly.)
      No matter how poorly you do, tell yourself that you did great and do it again.
      It helps to get oxygen into your blood stream and it makes you focus on something.

      I love this because I can do it anywhere and any time.

      I read of a study that said grocery stores can cause panic/anxiety attacks in women. I assume a big box store is close enough to being a grocery store. I stay out of big stores as much as i can.

      1. MOAS*

        Ha, I love going to target/grocery stores. I think what started the flooding was seeing something that reminded me of work and suddenly being sad I may not be there anymore.

    7. Lilysparrow*

      I am so glad to hear that you chose not to “knock out” with sleeping pills!

      If that is something you use as a “go-to” coping mechanism, please please please discuss that with your doctor.

      They may want to take that into consideration in choosing the best anxiety treatment for you. If you are at risk for developing a chemical dependency, some treatments are more problematic than others.

      Indeed, it’s possible that your very up-and-down mood this weekend could be exacerbated if your brain is starting to become dependent on the Xanax.

      If you are also dealing with ADHD, there is an association between ADHD and risk of chemical dependency. Please talk all this over with your doctor so you get the right kind of treatment.

    8. MOAS*

      Thanks everyone for the responses <3

      I came home and took my stress vitamins. Then I actually talked to my SIL and that was nice. I felt better after a while but I’m not sure if it was cz of her or the vitamins.

      After moping around a bit, I set out to do the chores I needed to do (meal prep, packing my clothes bags etc). I’m heading to bed early so I can shower and get to work a little early (that always seems to help my anxiety and put me in a better mood).

      I’m 10009% sure I’m not dependent on it. I take it as needed, and it’s been like 2-3 months since my last dose. I was scared of addiction but this didn’t work out that way thank goodness. But I am open to other meds for sure.

  96. Sparklingstars*

    Looking for vacuum cleaner recommendations for households with pets. Preferably under $300. Any suggestions?

    1. BRR*

      I love my shark. I think I have the navigator. I ran it over the same carpet that I ran my old bissel on and it picked up so much extra dirt.

    3. Anonymous Celebrity*

      Shark. I bought mine on Amazon. It’s bagless. I had four cats when I bought it (down to just one now), and it works very well for getting rid of cat hair. Not nearly as expensive as a Dyson and just as good IMO.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      shark. With the liftoff canister. I do have to flip over any vacuum periodically and clip off the strands that get wound around the beater bar. (my hair is actually the worst). Hair is super strong and will jam the roller. So will thread.
      I think Costco has a really good price. We didn’t need the multiple attachments. (I have a really nice small shop vacuum that I use for things like the car interior and window screens, so I don’t care as much about the “on board hose/ multiple attachments” kind of extras… they wind up in the back of the closet). I just want it to work with the fewest push passes.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Heh– I also have a Shark, and every few months I turn the thing over and cut my hair off the brush roll. But it’s still a fantastic machine after 9 years and great for my shedding dog.

    5. Gatomon*

      I’ve heard good things about Shark, but never used their vacuums. I have a Bissell “pet eraser” vacuum and it’s a miracle-worker. Easy to disassemble and remove fur clogs, and filters are cheap and easy to replace.

    7. Quandong*

      I have a Miele Cat & Dog vacuum I bought on sale and it’s excellent, I highly recommend with no caveats.

  97. NoLongerYoung*

    It’s August, and a triple tough week. No direct ask… I get that I broke down and cried when I realize that this “is” the center of the tsunami of personal tragedy, but I’m through the other side. I just need to grieve.

    Anniversary of a most beloved one’s internment (and I had almost forgotten it was the anniversary of that; I always remember the sib on their actual death and birthday)…that brought up all the bereft feelings and how much I lost.

    New loss – a pregnancy (would have been honorary grandchild),

    and heading into the anniversary of the last month before spouse succumbed (end of August last year).

    So no surprise that the first day of August -when I turned the calendar page – this hit me.

    I am exhausted from work, making no real progress on the hoard cleanup, but small small baby steps on the personal side of friends and exercise.

    It’s just taking so much longer than I had hoped. Part of me wants to just rent the dumpsters and let it go, or open up the back yard and have a “free yard sale”… but part of me wants to keep things from the landfill, and somehow, I’m stuck. So I sit and read. It’s easier.

    time to move. Thanks for letting me vent, or for all of you who have so encouraged me this last tough year.

    1. fposte*

      Oof. It’s true that the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time, but you can also get really sick of elephant along the way. It sounds like you’re wisely recognizing that things are hard and that’s why it feels like things are hard. Good luck to you for an easier time as you move through the month.

    2. YetAnotherUsername*

      Sorry for all your losses.

      Freecycle groups are great for piecemeal decluttering. There’s probably a local one on Facebook for your area. You just take a photo of something and post it and people will ask for it. If you say “collection only” it makes it even easier – people will literally come to your house to take it off your hands. And you only have to do one thing at a time.

    3. LifeOrDeath*

      This sounds tough! I am sorry you are suffering – take your time to lick your wounds

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Big time agree, take the time to lick your wounds. And that licking the wounds thing looks different on different days. This is okay. And the whole process does not really make too much sense. This is okay also. Grief is an emotion and it’s not always logical. We can waste a bunch of time trying to find the logic or we can just feel the feeling and do what make sense to work on today. If a book makes sense today/this week then that is what you should do.

        Grief is cumulative as you show here. We never quit finish the previous grief and, whoops, here’s another grief.
        And how true, certain times of year are rougher than other times of year. My life coach encouraged me to get a plan for those rough times. I did to some degree. But I also found value in my main plan of getting extra rest. While sleep can be an escape, our bodies also actually can be damaged/injured by hard grief and extra rest can help somewhat with that damage/injury. It makes sense to me that you want to just read. Reading is a way of staying low key and not doing too much physical exertion. Your body may actually need you to sit around for a bit.

        Right after my husband passed, I really could not read. I had zero concentration. If you went through a similar thing, sitting and reading is actually progress if you think about it.

        Continue to be patient with your process. Continue not to skip steps or try to push it along. It is an investment in your future to confront feelings now. Just as you have seen tiny shifts, you will also continue to see tiny shifts. Grief is not the only thing that is cumulative. Positive things can add up also.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Thank you all for your suggestions and support. Really appreciate the thoughtful kindness. It does help. And no, I have not been resting.
      I did go post some pictures so hopefully I can put a few things out for porch pickup this week, and do a few more next weekend.
      Thank you….

  98. Anne*

    I’m giving up on my job search entirely because I can’t get hired. If I get one more rejection, I may not come back from it which is why I need to stop entirely–to care for and protect myself in this difficult time. I’m already in therapy and taking medicine, but therapy and medicine is a luxury I can not afford and I worry daily how I will afford to live normally or how I will care for my aging parents. Medical bill are a real thing after all.

    However, I wish to inform you all that I’ve been a good person–never lashing out at employers and looking into what’s legal to hunt for food, where I can stay the night unbothered by police if the shelters are too full, where I can go to keep some semblance of hygiene. I hope someday I can return to searching for a job, but right now I can’t… I’m not strong enough right now.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Be kind to yourself. Sometimes life is indeed very hard. And sometimes it is wise to defer one challenge to address another.

      I hope your area has some social service organizations that offer hope whether a hot meal or help with finding shelter or just a sympathetic conversation partner.

      This world has lots of grief but also people who want to help others without wanting something twisted in return. I hope you find some of these people.

    2. big X*

      It’s always okay to take a step back. The point of life isn’t to be perpetually stressed and worried. You also can’t be job-searching when you are mentally, emotionally and physically drained. Find something that does energize you in the meantime – even if that is just taking long walks or working in a volunteer garden or sewing or what-have-you.

      I am not sure where you are but the local library often has links to resources. Food banks are a great resource (there are lots of local ones, depending on where you are but here is just one with a map: https://www.feedingamerica.org/find-your-local-foodbank). If you need a shower, there are some day shelters that have this (with laundry) or your local YMCA/YWCA (my city’s YMCA has a specific woman’s day shelter that offers these services). When you are ready to get back in the job hunt and need interview clothes: https://dressforsuccess.org/ – you can find you local affiliate in the upper left corner.

      Wishing you the best & lots of love. Take care of yourself!

    3. Luisa in Dallas*

      Best wishes from an Internet stranger during this very, very difficult period in your life. Do you have a car? There is some good, practical, information online about how to manage living in your car. Also, if you google How to Be Homeless,there are some survival tips. You sound like an articulate and intelligent person. I hope those traits will see you through and that things get better for you.

    4. YetAnotherUsername*

      Good luck. I second the advice to contact charities. I would also encourage you to look into your entitlements for government support. It sounds like you might have a diagnosed illness which would mean you are entitled to some level of support in the vast majority of countries.

  99. Grand Mouse*

    So I posted about the bad back pain above and at the urging of everyone I went to urgent care. I’ve had it for a while and been to do a doctor before but this time they take an xray! And find out that at some point I broke my tailbone, and it healed in a sharp angle. I guess the aggravation to the surrounding area is what is causing the pain. The problem is, he didn’t have answers on what to do about it. I’m just given painkillers and muscle relaxants for now.

    1. fposte*

      Well, now, that’s a finding indeed. Ouch! Did he suggest a referral to spine/ortho people, or PT? If not, could you consider doing it on your own? PT likely can take some of the pressure off the relevant nerves even with the problem angle.

    2. big X*

      My dad had something similar and after a bunch of physical therapy because he refused painkillers beyond ibuprofen and the like, they gave him a shot of steroids locally and poof! six month’s of pain was gone and has stayed gone.

      I’d get a referral to orthopedics as the next step – the urgent care MD is likely a primary care doc and done his bit by recognizing the issue, but def should see a (bone) specialist as living in pain is no bueno.

      1. Grand Mouse*

        I’m a little disappointed that I wasn’t offered a steriod injection, nor did I ask for one, because I’ve seen how magic they can be.

        All my doctors have packed schedules for the summer but maybe I can get in as a priority, at least for some short term relief. I also want to avoid painkillers because of stomach issues.

        1. fposte*

          My PCP will do a referral to physical therapy without requiring an appointment with her first. Might be worth asking for that, and in my experience PT places can generally get you in pretty fast. For that matter, you might check to see if any PT places in your area offer a free initial evaluation–there are a couple around my town that do that.

          My bet is that PT is the likeliest thing to be useful to you longterm. It’s quite possible that knowing how to keep other support muscles strong and getting some release in tight areas will help. You are ahead of a lot of us in having a job where you’re up and moving, but that’s also a additional reason to make sure you *stay* up and moving :-).

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