weekend free-for-all – September 21-22, 2019

by Alison Green on September 21, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Secrets We Kept, by Lara Prescott. It’s a novel but it’s based on real events surrounding the publication of Doctor Zhivago, including the women who helped the CIA smuggle it out of the Soviet Union, publish it, and sneak it back in. It’s a sort of literary spy story.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Waiting on the world to change*

    My husband and I are trying to get pregnant but it’s taking a while. I want to focus on positive stuff in the interim. Do you have any suggestions of things you’re glad you did or things you wish you’d done before having children. All suggestions from counselling to threesomes to climbing Everest to botox welcome!

    1. Orphan Brown*

      I really appreciated all of the international travel I did with my spouse prior to having kids. We can still do it, it’s just much much harder. And a weekend or two away to let loose a little (for us that could be Vegas or a clothing optional hot springs or Hawaii). One thing I never get to do anymore: go out to brunch on a weekend, eat drink and be merry, come home and nap and then go out for a night on the town. Or just, have dinner together and get to talk without interruption even.
      Wishing you all the best, I know the waiting period is really hard.

      1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

        Seconding travel. It’s the thing I miss most now that I have a toddler. (And kids eat up all the money that might go to travel, too.) I’m so glad I took one last big trip to England and France before we started pursuing pregnancy.

        I assume you’re not looking so much for practical stuff like “got our wills in order” but I am so glad we got our wills in order and will never need to think about it again.

        Our kid’s a sound sleeper whose bedroom is across the house from ours, so we fortunately have not had to give up threesomes. ;)

        All best wishes for your fertility quest.

      2. Kimmybear*

        Live overseas. Doable with kids but my son has special needs that would be harder to address in English overseas.

    2. Anona*

      Going to cool restaurants, traveling to cooool places, spa days, hosting/going to wild parties, cooking interesting dishes, doing some kind of cool weekly commitment like horseback riding or rock climbing lessons, learning to wake board or kite board, buying fun expensive clothes, hosting decadent dinners with multiple courses and fancy stuff like caviar!

      1. Anona*

        Ooh, learning how to do involved makeup and fancy/detailed skin routines. Fostering or adopting dogs, especially special needs ones. After my miscarriage, my special needs dog was so dear to me. She needed so much love and care, and I had so much to give. She truly was a blessing to me. Learning to make bomb-ass pizza. Spending a day reading. Spending a day drinking with friends. Going to a big protest.
        Giving money to specific charities. Baking for friends. Sending care packages to friends. Visiting faraway friends. Doing road trips. Going to festivals. Going to the movies with friends, alone, or doing dinner and a movie. Buying fancy lingerie just because.

          1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

            I highly recommend strength and endurance training in general. I’m really not kidding. Being able to lift your kid without injuring yourself is important! I’ve spent about half my child’s life in PT so far (for arms, shoulders, knees, back—all from lifting the baby). Don’t be me. Get strong well in advance.

            1. Kate R. Pillar*

              This is such good advice!
              For me, it was just my knee.
              I did Pilates before baby, which turned out to be great preparation pelvic-floor-wise, so there’s that, too.

              1. MamaSarah*

                I *just* discovered Pilates and I freakin’ love it. It really helps to reconnect with those deep core mussels. I was in amazing shape when I got pregnant. I totally recommend working out like a dog while you can be away from the family for several hours at once.

            2. Triumphant Fox*

              YES!!! This. You may be pretty injured by the pregnancy/birth process and you’ll need to rely on whatever you’ve built up before getting pregnant. Even though I wanted to focus on getting fit, it became impossible with work, nausea and other complications while pregnant. Afterward it felt like a cascade of injuries from just being weak.

              As far as things I’m happy I did – music festivals and concerts in general. I really can’t handle the stress anymore, but I’m so glad I did it while I could.

        2. Activista*

          YES to going to a protest. I would also recommend taking it a step further and partaking in well-organized civil disobedience, if it’s safe for you to do so in terms of your background, job, etc. I don’t have kids (yet) and last year participated in civil disobedience to protest yet another anti-immigrant policy, and got arrested. Standing up (or rather, sitting down) for what I believed in and the consequences that came from it was one of the most meaningful, powerful, and educational experiences I’ve had. I recognize it’s also a privilege to be able to choose to do so– in addition to immigration status, an understanding workplace if you do this during the week, etc, you need to have the time and resources to spend a night in jail if needed, and this would be hard to do with a little one at home.

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Spontaneity, honestly.

      So yes travelling, but the kind where you decide on Friday afternoon to have a road trip over the weekend, or when you stick a pin in the map and say “Croatia it is!” Less extravagantly, take a walk in your own town and just dip in to an interesting looking cafe or gallery, or go see a movie you haven’t heard of.

      Small children seem to need so much forward planning and equipment that parents tend to miss just doing stuff on a whim (without babysitters or working out who’s going to carry the bottles and baby somewhere you can’t take the stroller and heaven’s sake she’ll be starving by 12pm and the restaurant doesn’t even open until half past).

      Very best wishes for your conception journey.

      1. It’s All Good*

        This +1000. We tried for seven years before our daughter was born. Being spontaneous, especially with travel was the thing we missed the most. Good luck I hope a baby is soon in your future.

    4. German Girl*

      International Travel, taking up a hobby/sport or pursuing an existing hobby/sport more intensively, spending lots of time with childless friends, taking the time to volunteer are all things I’m glad I did during the wait.

      And having a hobby, a post partum compatible sport and lots of friends with or without kids all set up really kept me sane in the early baby months. Of course I don’t have that much time for hobbies/sports/friends/volunteering now, but I make room for some of that in my schedule. However I don’t think I’d have the energy to pick up something new at the moment, so I’m glad I already have it in place.

    5. Overeducated*

      Travel. Drinking at actual bars and restaurants (although there are more and more baby and kid friendly breweries). Hosting brunch and dinner parties in a small space. Long distance running. Staying up way too late and sleeping in. People with kids do all of these things but they have been harder for me in terms of money, time, or both.

      Good luck! Waiting is very hard. I hope you are able to find many delightful distractions in the “no kids yet” stage to remember fondly later.

    6. Knitter*

      Read books and home maintenance/organization. And of course travel. If you like creating things maybe find a hobby that can be easily stopped and started (ex-knitting).
      We went through fertility treatment. It really messed with my sense of self, so any self care you can do during this time will be a great investment in yourself. I found exercise, therapy, and socializing with supportive friends to be most helpful.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Do an activity in the evening. We had a really fun ballroom dancing class that immediately fell to my inability to keep my eyes open past about 8 pm.

    9. Midge*

      My daughter is 8 years old, and the list of things I can’t do / don’t have time to do is still similar to when she was a baby. So… basically anything you like to do now that takes time, concentration, space, and/or quiet. (Some people have it easier. Some don’t.) So I think one of the key things is not necessarily thinking of major time consuming and/or expensive things (like travel, home renovations, etc.), but focusing more on the everyday. For some those might include extensive travel, large projects, etc. For many people it’s appreciating the luxury of a clean home with minimal effort and deciding to spend Sunday doing nothing but lying on the patio and reading a novel. In other words, I guess nothing makes the TTC wait considerably easier (I have been there), but focusing on what brings you joy right now is always a good thing, and especially so when you may be feeling otherwise frustrated or emotionally vulnerable.

      1. I don’t post often*

        Totally agree with this, although I would take a different spin. If you think you want to be a good cook/ Gardener/ learn to knit/ redo the kitchen / paint the whole house or whatever so it now. I wish I had taken times to read more books on gardening. Now I have to fit that in during the two hours I have between daughters bedtime and mine. . Many people have mentioned travel. I dislike traveling so having a child has been awesome. “Why no, We can’t drive 6 hours just to spend the weekend with you.” Also a small baby is fairly portable. It’s that just walking until about 2.5 that is difficult. They want to be active but not everything is safe.

        To sum up, get big projects done, practice hobbies or other items you want to learn about now.

    10. Ranon*

      Not fun but wish I’d done it- life insurance! Insurers apparently can’t figure out that pregnancy weight is not the same as all the time weight so it’s a good one to do ahead of time. Also in not fun, make sure everyone has a doctor/ dentist/ etc. that they like and is easy to get to. Basic self care post kiddo is easier if you have go-to options (and then you don’t have to pester your partner about finding a GP because they’ve caught some sort of horrible illness and urgent care hasn’t helped, not that that’s happened to anyone (several anyones) that I know or anything)

      Doing random outings just for the heck of it with no advanced planning. Doing absolutely nothing over the weekend just because. Sleeping in. Going out after work with no notice to your partner. Really enjoy how well ibuprofen works as a painkiller (that one you get back at least). Having a conversation with your partner without interruptions. Go out to happy hour after work, come home and crash, and sleep in the next day. Cook big elaborate meals that take days of planning and prep just for the heck of it.

      Take on a big volunteering commitment. Do a spontaneous volunteering thing just because. Learn about local politics. Volunteer for a political campaign. Join a citizen’s advisory committee for your city.

      Travel if you like it, but honestly we’re better travelers post kiddo- we do it less often but we take better breaks so no one is run ragged and we all enjoy it more. And there’s a fair bit to see domestically- the amount of new things we’ve gone to in our city and immediate surroundings post kiddo is pretty amazing! (We’ve got a novelty junkie kiddo, though, so we’re incentivized to do new things).

      Best of luck!

      1. Beatrice*

        x2 on life insurance! I started my first non-job-related life insurance policy while pregnant, and it came with a rider that excluded payouts for pregnancy or birth-related death. Normally I would have been able to get that removed after the birth, but I had a high risk birth and my insurance agent said they wouldn’t consider removing it. (I haven’t had any more children, not for that reason, but lack of insurance coverage would be a worry for me if I were to have another.)

        Also- a lot of jobs allow you to buy low-cost life insurance through them, but the cap is relatively low compared to what you’d reasonably need to have with a small child (mine is 4x my annual income), and you leave the insurance behind if you leave the job. It’s better to get your own term life policy now, while you’re younger and cheaper to insure, that is separate from your employer’s offered policy. I had a friend whose partner died unexpectedly when she was 29 with two toddlers, and all he had was a $100K workplace life insurance policy, and I’ve been pretty vigilant about making sure my family is taken care of, after watching her struggle.

    11. MissDisplaced*

      I don’t have kids, so this is just what I’ve observed second hand, but it seems that pregnancy often happens when you’re not stressing over wanting to get pregnant.

      So I’d probably say focus on things you and your partner enjoy doing together. Vacation, travel, get outdoors, move or live somewhere else for a year (if you’ve always wanted to) and be, you know, a little selfish about experiencing some of those things that might be more difficult doing with young children.

      I know I really wished I’d traveled the world more when I was younger. Back then it seemed way harder as there was no Internet to even book a flight.

    12. Glomarization, Esq.*

      If you’ve been putting off any home improvement projects, consider getting them done now. I ended up having to delay renovating my bathroom (which seriously needed it) for a dozen years. And I had to fix my kitchen appliance-by-appliance as each piece broke down, rather than doing it all at once. Having a kid in the house meant that I just did not have the ready cash to spend on the full project, and it took forever to save up my pennies in a “fix the damn bathroom” account. Some kid-related expense just always seemed to come up!

      That said, if you’re thinking about replacing carpet? Get Stanley Steemer in there for a good deep cleaning before baby arrives, but maybe wait on replacing your flooring until the kid is less likely to pee on the floor, draw/paint on things, spill food everywhere, etc.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        This is a great suggestion. I will remark that today my nearly-6yo stuck Christmas stickers all over the floor, to give you an idea of timescale.

      2. ThisMightBeVodka*

        I came to say this. Our house had some fixer-upper/remodeling needs that didn’t all get done before baby. Guess what! After baby there was no money or energy. Some of those things we are just doing now; baby is currently seventeen.

    13. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      My boss has two kids and I am childfree by choice, so this is from his point of view!

      He has said before that he is jealous of my freedom to do whatever, whenever. So for example, going home after work and laying on the couch, eating cereal for dinner haha

    14. Meepmeep*

      Sleep. Sleep like you’ll never sleep again. Sleep in in the morning and luxuriate in bed for a little after waking up. Go to bed early. Enjoy uninterrupted sleep all night.

      My baby was a bad sleeper and I basically got 3 hours of sleep a night in 30 minute increments, for a year. And now she’s 3 and wakes me up at 7 every morning.

    15. coffeepotz*

      Do all the things -go to concerts/plays/sports games/opera, even if you don’t usually do things like that. Take up new hobbies (alone, together), learn a new sport etc. Especially through the first few years of parenthood, it’s nice to look back and reminisce.

    17. What day is today?*

      It’s election season! Get involved in local politics by supporting a candidate for City Council or Water Board or whatever, sitting at the voter registration table and encouraging your neighbors to vote, writing postcards, posting flyers. Do you know who your Rep and Senator are (or whatever your country’s equivalent is)? Do you like what they are doing for you? Go to Town Halls and find out what they’re up to. Work for the current person or work on their opponent’s campaign. Politics can be totally exasperating, but it determines our future. Work for a better future for your someday-child today.

    18. OtterB*

      There are lots of good suggestions here but I am going to toss out a dull but helpful one. Save money. Build up a “life happens” fund if you don’t already have one. Sock as much money away in a 401K or equivalent as you can. When our kids were small, between cost of day care and other kid stuff, my need to drop to part time for a while due to special needs of daughter the younger, and a period of unemployment for my husband, we had years when we couldn’t afford to put much if anything into a retirement fund. But we had saved before kids and thanks to the joys of compound interest those savings grew even when we weren’t adding to them.

      1. Pony tailed wonder*

        I am child free and I love this advice. I hear from my friends with kids that you just don’t realize how much m9ney it takes to raise a healthy kid. And if your child has medical needs, the costs go up even more. So pay off as much debt as you can. Pay down your mortgage or even try to pay it off completely. Get rid of student loans, car notes, etc. Put money into retirement.

    19. KLChica*

      Spa day! And just general self care and pampering. Bubble baths, haircuts or splurge on a blowout before a night out with your Significant other. It’s so hard for me to get time to get my eyebrows waxed or haircut.

      Also, reading books, staying up late bingeing Netflix or a movie marathon with your fav DVDs.
      Visiting different restaurants or doing romantic things like picnics , or dancing at a club
      And yes, travel, like the others have said

      Good luck to you!

    20. Waiting on the world to change*

      Thanks so much for all the great suggestions. It’s great to feel supported by this community and to get so many ideas.

  2. NL*

    I’m looking for low calorie but high volume dinner recipes. I’m cutting calories but am a big volume eater. I could use some dinner ideas, ideally 600 calories or less to give you the general idea, but volume volume volume.

    1. StellaBella*

      A large salad, with lettuce, spinach, leafy greens, kidney beans, tuna, seeds, canned corn, tomatoes, and cucumbers. I make this in a large bowl.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        And you can add some lean protein if that helps with feeling full.

        Hard to beat piles of undressed leaves for volume. (Or no oil dressing–I like lemon + salt + pepper.)

        1. Tris Prior*

          Seconded – also, I used to use balsamic vinaigrette on my salads but then realized that plain balsamic with no oil was just as good.

          1. OhNo*

            Same. I realized a while ago that all the flavor I wanted was in the vinegar, and the oil was just bulk. Vinegar-only (or just acid-only) dressings save a ton of calories.

    2. CopperPenny*

      The way I normally cook this has about 350 calories. Ive seen it called cabbage skillet dish or unstuffed cabbage rolls. In a large pan, brown 1 lb ground beef until no longer pink. Add 1 chopped onion and continue cooking until translucent. Drain extra fat. Add garlic (1 or 2 cloves) and continue cooking for 1 minute.
      Add 1 head of cabbage diced , 1 can of diced tomatoes, salt and pepper to the pan and stir to combine. Cover and simmer about 20 – 30 minutes until the cabbage is soft. That’s the basis for the recipie. I also add in any spare veggies I have in the fridge or freezer that I need to use up. I normally add in cumin, tumeric, and paprika as seasonings to taste. I also make it meat free sometimes with beans. It’s pretty tasty, cheap and pretty high volume. You can add more veggies to make it more high volume as well. We normally get about 4 servings from it.

      1. Clisby*

        I make this too, although I use tomato juice instead of diced tomatoes. We either eat it as a soup or serve it over rice.

    4. puffle*

      I find chickpea curry and chilli are both really good for this, if I serve with brown rice on the side. The chickpeas/ beans are filling, full of protein- and they’re cheap! Lentil and sweet potato curry is also good

      The best part is that they’re filling and give a lot of volume for the calorie count- I am so bad at healthy eating when I’m hungry

      I’ll post the recipe links below

        1. A bit of a saga*

          Me too! I find most of my food ideas there. As long as you read the comments and adjust accordingly the recipes always work out well, I find. Incidentally I’ve added all three suggestions above to my ‘favourites’ list a long time ago but haven’t tried them – so now I’m inspired to get going.

      2. The Meow*

        Once I started eating chickpeas I was surprised by how delicious and filling they were. I only have to eat a little in a soup or curry and I noticed it was enough to get me through until the next meal, whereas I might have needed a snack in between earlier. It’s a different feeling of fullness than eating lots of meat. I don’t feel bloated, but still satisfied. Needless to say, I’m a big fan of chickpea now.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I never liked them much but I’m going to give them another go, since I’m trying to cut back on meat.

    5. Knitter*

      https://food52.com/recipes/74872-deb-perelman-s-winter-slaw-with-farro?utm_source=slate.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=f52-slate

      https://greatist.com/eat/recipes/mushroom-and-farro-soup#1

      https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/01/carrot-soup-with-tahini-and-crisped-chickpeas/

      https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2013/08/kale-parmesan-fried-egg-tartine.html?ref=box_quick (Pile on the kale, go light on the dressing and use whole wheat bread)

      https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2012/04/grilled-garlic-bread-white-bean-shrimp-scampi.html?ref=box_latest (Again use wheat bread and add more beans to make it more filling).

      Also swap in whole wheat lavash for bread and maybe limit the rice.

      I used the Noom app for a while which rates food on caloric density, so all of these are recipes Are on the lower side of caloric density.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Article about actual scientific research into processed vs regular food. The differences were that processed food was much more calorie dense–almost twice–and also softer and easier to eat. (I applied this the other way around when my mom had dental surgery, aiming her at processed calorie-dense soft no-chewing foods when even blueberries hurt to chew.)

      https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/food/how-processed-food-makes-us-fat/2019/07/17/2bf93a2c-a7ff-11e9-86dd-d7f0e60391e9_story.html

    7. PB*

      Beans are great for this. Here are some of my favorites:

      Black Bean Tortas: https://www.washingtonpost.com/recipes/black-bean-tortas-with-chipotle-mayo/14321/ (I always skip the chipotle mayo and just use the mayo I already have on hand)
      Brothy Garlicky Beans: https://food52.com/recipes/26953-brothy-garlicky-beans
      Slow-cooker Red Beans and Rice: https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/valerie-bertinelli/slow-cooker-red-beans-and-rice-3222856 (this isn’t the actual recipe I use, as that one’s pay-walled, but looks similar if you leave out the ham and brown sugar)

      Non-beans, I made this farro salad recently, and it was delicious: https://food52.com/recipes/5710-farro-salad-with-roasted-mushrooms-and-parmesan. If mushrooms aren’t your thing, you could substitute pretty much any cooked vegetable. Zucchini sauteed in garlic oil would be tasty. I couldn’t believe how filling this dish was! I ended up saving some leftovers to have for lunch the next day.

    8. Alston*

      Check out the weight watchers Chicken Tikka Masalas recipe. It’s five minutes of prep, then you dump it in the crock pot and it is amazing. The only thing I would change is use a can of chopped tomatoes, not ground. The sauce turns out so.much better.
      https://www.weightwatchers.com/us/recipe/slow-cooker-chicken-tikka-masala/5626a63a3d92b3c10eb8da36

      Also, if I am having grains I like to mix leafy greens in. So.with that chicken tikkq I would use like half.rice/half spinach and top it with the tikka. You barely notice the spinach taste wise, but it really bulks it up.

      Ramen (not top ramen) can be awesome too, just add more broth and veggies. Wegmans and wholefoods both sell ramen noodles and something called Miso Easy (Miso soup base in a tube), and we use that as one of our super quick dinners. We will throw in a couple slices of center cut bacon (so low calorie, but real bacon, not turkey bacon) onion, corn, mushrooms/whatever. And then we also put some spinach in the bowls at the end to wilt (don’t cook it in the pot or it turns to slime). It is awesome and only takes 10 minutes. You could use leftover chicken too, and whatever veggies you like. And it is super easy to just make more broth and.veggiss of you are hungry. Also, the Wegmans ramen noodles are the best, they are in the freezer section. They come two to a pack, and my husband and I split on of the bricks for dinner.

    9. The Meow*

      I’m a big fan of vegetable soups! I never used to think soups and salads were proper meals until I actually started eating them.

      You can also make small changes to your existing meals to reduce calories/portion size but make it just as filling. One thing I do is add lots of grains/legume to my rice (quinoa, buckwheat, chickpea, lentils, mung beans, just to name a few) – I find it more satisfying than plain white rice. Or increase your portion size of veggies and decrease meats.

      2. OhNo*

        Another +1 to soup. I like to do meat soups, I just half or even third the amount that the recipe calls for and cut it up really small so it’s more dispersed. All of the flavor, none of the extra cost.

        My favorites are potato-heavy soups. Beef stew with root vegetables is a good one. The way I make it (less meat, more veg, extra beef bouillon or broth), it’s only around 100 calories a cup, so you can eat a lot of volume without too many calories.

    10. epi*

      When my husband and I were cutting calories more aggressively, we kept a lot of frozen vegetables around. You can add them to anything to bulk it up while adding very few calories.

      We kept peas, chopped spinach, broccoli, and a southwestern veggie mix on hand at all times, and stirred in whatever went best in the last few minutes of cook time. You can really add a lot of volume and fiber this way. Also, in general adding fresh greens is great– you can cook them as much or as little as you want depending on the texture you prefer. I have doubled the size of a big batch of pasta sauce just by slowly adding fresh chopped spinach. If you cook greens down a lot in a soup or sauce, they don’t even change the dish that much IMO. So it’s like they’re free.

      1. londonedit*

        This is what I do – I bulk everything out with a ton of veg. So if I have pasta, I’ll have 80g of spelt pasta with an entire carton of sautéed chopped mushrooms and some frozen spinach. It makes a massive bowl of pasta but most of it is practically calorie-free veg! Or I’ll have a huge stir-fry with all sorts of green veg and some tofu and brown rice. Lentils and chickpeas are also great!

    11. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Winter squash is low-calorie and bulky. A single acorn squash will have only about 200 calories: cut in half; scoop out the guts; season with salt, pepper, and something flavorful like garlic powder, paprika, curry powder, etc.; and bake at 375F for 45-60 minutes. We use a covered Corningware or Pyrex casserole dish for this, but I’ve seen recipes where you use a rimmed baking sheet. Mr. Glomarization and I usually split one acorn squash between the two of us, but eating an entire squash on your own shouldn’t blow your calorie budget unless you add sugar or oil for flavor.

      Serve with brown rice, which is about 200 calories per cup. (We doctor our rice with sauteed onions and cook it in vegetable broth, and sometimes we add chopped dried fruit, so ours has a few more calories.)

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        OMG yes! The other day I oven-roasted a delicata squash with a diced turnip, diced beetroot, a handful of okra, and five or six radishes, and I think it still was less than 500 calories!

    12. it happens*

      Search for volumetrics – I’m not recommending the whole system, just the idea and accompanying recipes. Essentially, it’s about easy, lower calorie substitutions that help satiety.

    13. Not All*

      Let me preface that I’ve gone from 210lbs to 163lbs in just over 6 months and without any major lifestyle changes. What worked for me was entering basically every food/recipe I liked into myfitnesspal and checking the calorie & fiber count. There were a lot of things that felt (or are marketed) as healthy but are super calorie dense…wraps spring to mind. One Trader Joes tortilla alone has 170 calories for example! I ended up basically cutting out anything with wheat because the calories to satiety just isn’t worth it to me on anything. Things that I found I could basically eat unlimited included:
      -sliced mushrooms sautéd in a nonstick pan with salt,pepper, & a splash of vermouth or wine. 8 oz package has 50 calories but they are “meaty” and satisfying and bulk up almost anything…though I eat them straight a lot! I get a bunch of different types for texture/flavor difference at the hole-in-the-wall Asian market for half the price of grocery store.
      -slice Japanese eggplant pretty thin, lightly sprinkle each side with fresh cracked pepper & season salt, and spray with a tiny bit of cooking spray before cooking “dry” in a big nonstick pan in a single layer. The slices end up creamy in the middle and slightly crisp on the outsides. Again, a whole pan is just a few calories because you leave out the oil.
      -hard boiled eggs. 70 calories per egg woth lots of protein & just enough fat to keep me feeling satisfied.
      -Costco’s chicken tike marsala cauliflower bowls. 250 calories and much tastier than I was expecting!
      -basically only drink coffee & seltzer…I was consuming way more liquid calories than I would have guessed until I looked it up!
      -raw jicama is my go-to snack. Slightly sweet and one of the highest fiber foods out there while being super low in calories. I get a couple each weekend and pre-slice them into bags for work snacks. (Warning…do NOT eat an entire one in a single day if you aren’t used to that much fiber! I learned that the hard way lol)

      I can’t stand chickpeas or kale personally…not a fan of chewing on blocks of wood…but I do make a fair amount of lentil soup, black bean salad, etc. Also, regular baked potatoes only have @100 calories before you stick on butter…I get red or yellow because they are creamy on their own unlike russets which need a ton of added fat to not be dry.

    14. DrTheLiz*

      Work out what makes you full. I need a certain amount of carb in my meals or they just don’t satisfy – I can be as full as full on protein and vegetables or what have you, and if there’s no carbohydrate there it’ll just melt off the inside of me and leave me hungry. My mother’s just the same but with protein – give her lean proteins and she’ll fill right up. I find it doesn’t take a lot of carbohydrate, something like a thick slice of (brown) toast will turn soup from “nice snack, where’s dinner?” to “mama mia, so satisfying”. Don’t accidentally cut out something you need while cutting calories!

      My “go-to” for a lot of volume on the plate is actually popcorn! If you pop it in oil at home (good dollop in the bottom of a large pot, cover the base in kernels, LID ON, burner on low-medium heat, shake vigorously once it starts to pop, take it off when it stops making noise) it’s got no sugar and very little fat and it’s a very high-air starch, which means it fills a hole without carrying too much with it, as it were. I tend to eat it with scrambled-egg-and-veg, but it also works with curry pretty well.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        POPCORN ROCKS
        If you don’t dump a lot of crap on it, it’s actually healthy. I like Irish butter, but I don’t have to drench it–I get a lot of flavor with just a small amount of it and a light sprinkle of salt or spices.

        I bought a microwave thingy at Aldi to pop it without oil. It has a silicone doughnut in the bottom and a vented lid. You put the kernels in the center of the doughnut, pop the vent open, and put the lid on it. Nuke it for the recommended amount of time (the instructions are on the side–always watch to make sure it won’t burn, since microwaves vary). Then do whatever with it.

        The brand name is Crofton but you can probably find a similar one elsewhere. Or if you go to Aldi on the reg, keep an eye out because sometimes their limited offerings come back around again.

    15. Gingerblue*

      My basic dinner formula is some kind of protein + some kind of vegetable. Salmon and spinach, artichokes, coleslaw, asparagus, green beans, corn on the cob, or a side salad. Or sauteed chicken tenders with a little soy sauce and the same options, etc. A piece of sauteed salmon on top of arugula dressed with a basic vinaigrette is lovely.

      I’m a big fan of artichokes, which are high in fiber and slow you down, which can help let your brain catch up with your stomach to tell you you’re full.

      I thought I hated salads until I very recently realized that I just found lettuce irritating to eat, but I love salads that use something else as a base, like shredded cabbage, cucumber, fennel, or celery. I highly recommend a spiralizer and a basic mandoline like this (https://www.target.com/p/oxo-handheld-mandoline/-/A-11144547) for turning vegetables into salad foundations. If you find a fresh vegetable that you like, google that vegetable + salad and get a bunch of recipes. Here’s a couple of recipes I’ve liked:

      https://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/celery-salad-walnuts-dates-and-pecorino
      https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/green-apple-and-celery-salad-with-walnuts-and-mustard-vinaigrette-233139
      https://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/crunchy-vietnamese-chicken-salad (haven’t tried this, but it’s similar to something I’ve improvised)
      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1017629-chinese-smashed-cucumbers-with-sesame-oil-and-garlic

      And there are lots of great low calorie soups, which may be more appealing this time of year than salad.

      Basically, when I find an ingredient I like, like chicken breast or celery or whatever, I start googling for as many recipes I can base on that as possible.

    16. pcake*

      I usually hate cauliflower, but I’ve discovered with the right sauce, you can’t taste riced, cooked cauliflower at all. That means you can make a wide variety of foods, pour them with tasty sauce or dressing over a cup of riced, cooked cauliflower and eat and eat and eat! I use mushroom simmer sauce or Galeo’s Ginger Wasabi dressing with a variety of foods over the cauliflower. I sometimes include some rice as well as a protein and stir fried veggies with a hint of low sodium soy sauce. To rice the cauliflower, you wash, stick in a food processor and break it down.
      You can do the same with zucchini noodles, but I can always taste the zucchini. They do taste good when cooked, drained, then smothered with marinara or other spaghetti sauce and your fave pasta toppings including meat or “meat” balls, parmesan cheese, mozzarella or whatever you like.

      I also like to cook up rice with a can of diced tomatoes, other veggies and seasonings. Make sure at least half the volume is the tomatoes. This is also great with chopped artichoke hearts, lots of ’em! And low fat, high protein tofu cooked firm and then simmered in sauce, in my case.

    17. knead me seymour*

      If you’re okay with eating vegan, a high-fibre whole foods plant-based diet is generally one where you are recommended to eat really large portions, since it’s primarily vegetables. One plant-based cookbook that I really like is The Long Table Cookbook (just came out recently). The serving sizes are generally quite large, particularly for the salads (some of the serving sizes are four cups of salad).

  3. Another Manic Monday*

    My 16-year old daughter was admitted to in-patient treatment for severe depression and suicidal ideations. It’s not the first time and most likely will not be the last time either. She have been in-and-out of treatment facilities since she was 8-years old. She lives with her mother on the other side of the country so I feel quite powerless as I can’t be there for her most of the time. It especially hard as I realize that most her of issues she has inherited from me. She’s her father’s daughter.

    2. Fikly*

      *hugs as well* Make sure you’re getting the support you need. You’re not to blame for her genetics. Really and truly.

    6. Marmaduke*

      She is so lucky to have you. I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation since I was six years old, and there is nothing in this world I would not have given to have a caring, understanding parent and access to actual psychiatric care. I’m sure it means so much to her that you love her and want to support her however you can.

      I’m so sorry for your pain and hers.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        I’m grateful for being able to give her the treatment that she needs. She have spent more than 180 days in in-patient treatment since she was 8 and her treatment cost is well into six digits by now. It’s a good thing that I have very good insurance that have covered most of the cost. I want to make sure that she gets what I never got while growing up. I received no help or attention from any adult despite having obvious struggles in school and life in general.

    7. Girr*

      I’m so sorry.

      Can you call her? My sister was admitted earlier this year for a little over a week. I made it a point to call every day, even if I didn’t know what to talk about and made up something on the spot. We spent 10 minutes talking about what color chucks I should buy next. And we don’t normally talk on the phone so it felt a bit awkward. But while it didn’t feel like I was doing much for her, I was told she very much looked forward to my daily call.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I am very sorry for the pain you both have had and are having. I remember being 16. It’s difficult under ordinary settings. I have a little tear in my heart for your daughter. I hope she connects with someone who is able to make a difference for her.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending a hug, too, from this corner of the internet. Do not blame your genetics, be kind to yourself and her. Lots of good suggestions here…. know we care.

    10. coffeepotz*

      I’m so very sorry. I hope she gets the help she needs, and I hope that you get some help too. Hugs from a stranger, if that works for you.

    12. LGC*

      Dude, I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter! I hope she does better soon.

      One thing – even if your side of the family has a history of depression and suicidal ideation, it’s not your fault or anyone’s fault. I’m pretty sure you know this but I feel like it’s worth repeating.

    13. AnonEMoose*

      Can you send her stuff? Like stuff to read, or funny cards or postcards? Just to let her know that you’re thinking about her and you love her. It depends a lot on what she’s allowed to have in the facility, of course, but the specific thing is less important than her knowing you’re thinking of her and love her.

      1. Girr*

        It might depend on the facility, but I was told that my sister wasn’t allowed to receive packages. Because sending care packages of books and snacks was my first thought.

        So look into it before you go making a list of things to get like I did.

  5. Jaid*

    Ah, the change of the season always messes me up. I’ve been running a low grade fever off and on since Wednesday… I thought it might be the flu, because of achyness and feeling like I’m gonna start chattering my teeth, but my BF is like, allergies. Because the goldenrod pollen count is super high?

    I dunno, other than the fever/fatigue, I don’t have anything else.

    1. Gingerblue*

      I’ve been feeling exactly the same. This doesn’t usually happen to me in fall, but I’ve been doing the “allergies or start of a cold?” debate for days now.

      Bleh. I have things to do.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve been like this too! I had a sinus cold that came on suddenly two weeks ago. It cleared up quickly, but I felt like that again this week (sore throat, stuffy, wheezy).

      But my company has also moved into a brand new office and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s making me sick! The whole place smells “new” and it burns my eyes and throat when I’m in there.

      1. Fikly*

        Ugh, yes, everything will be giving off fumes. I have to let new things vent outside sometimes before I can let them in my apartment.

    4. fposte*

      I think it’s turned out that goldenrod doesn’t really bother people–it just blooms very showily at the same time as stuff like ragweed, which is very allergenic.

    5. PJ*

      I’ve been debating whether or not it’s “sick” or “allergies” for the last week. Then I remembered that for the last two years I haven’t gotten my flu shot on the “flu shots at work” day because I was feeling so crummy… It’s always the last week of September. It’s Allergies!

    6. Merci Dee*

      My boss and I talked about this feeling earlier in the week, and then my mom mentioned it Thursday night, too. That achy, feel-like-I’ve-been-hit-by-a-truck feeling. It’s been the worst, because it feels like I should be coming down with something, but I haven’t so far. I’ve been wondering if it’s time to add the singulair to my regular allergy medication regimen. Maybe that’ll even everything out.

  6. Orphan Brown*

    I’ve had lung issues for awhile, asthma and a smaller lung capacity and a pulmonologist is running a bunch of tests to help me figure things out. The best case scenario is that I just need to lose weight. The worst is a terminal lung disease. My uncle died of something like the latter.

    It’s really hard not to think of the elephant in the room. And my mind always goes to worst case scenarios. And for some reason instead of thinking about spending more time with my family all I want to do is declutter. What’s that about? Tips for decluttering are much appreciated. It’s very overwhelming.

    1. Lena Clare*

      I can totally get the need to declutter.
      I think it’s because clutter is a reflection of my state of mind, and when I’m ready to clear my mind and get through to what really matters (that I know I’ve been hiding in my head) then I’m ready to declutter my physical space too.

      Unf*ck Your Habitat blog is probably the best I’ve found on how to; basically small amounts regularly will get it done rather than one big marathon decluttering session, which is exhausting.

      Also, pay attention to your feelings when you’re decluttering – and if it’s hard, be honest. Have a cry or whatever you need to do when you’re clearing out. Stop decluttering and feel the feelings.

      I found journaling helpful, if you like writing maybe you can try that too?

      Good luck – and all the best. This stranger from the other side of the world (possibly!) is thinking of you :)

    3. Kuododi*

      Oh sweetie…I do know that anxious feeling. After my first bout with cancer it took awhile before I could relax and not hyperfocus on every back ache, muscle spasm or head ache as a return of the cancer. Needless to say now that I’m dealing with cancer again, that anxious feeling has returned with a vengeance. Your feelings are perfectly fine and understandable. If I had to guess I’d say your drive to declutter is a perfectly appropriate way for your brain to step in and give you a healthy activity to keep yourself distracted from non stop worry. I wish you all the best life can bring. Please keep us posted on your results regarding dx.

    5. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I’m a KonMari fan. Get her book and read it all the way through—it’s very funny, and it also makes the philosophy of her approach make sense.

      Things that I’ve found were key to my decluttering:

      – Identify people/places/organizations that I can give things to. “Clean out pantry” becomes “donate to the can drive”, “get rid of books” becomes “donate to Books for Prisoners”, and so on. It turns getting-rid-of into gifting and that’s so much easier for me, emotionally.

      – Establish pass-fail criteria, in your own personal language, for each category of thing before you start. My clothes-to-keep criterion was “Does this make me feel like a million bucks?”. For books I’ve read, it’s “Do I love this so much that I want to fall over myself recommending it to everyone I know?”. This isn’t particularly different from Kondo’s “Does it spark joy?” but I found it very helpful to have it be a phrase I already use and have an emotional connection with.

      – Don’t organize your stuff or buy storage for your stuff until you’ve gotten rid of the stuff you don’t want.

      – Be prepared for this to be emotionally challenging, and do a lot of self-care.

      All best wishes for your diagnosis to be a minimally scary one.

    6. gsa*

      I started decluttering our garage. And will be back at it today.

      “How do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time…”

      I did the throw it a-way last round.

      Best wishes,

      gsa

    7. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Taking care of clutter may be a way for you to focus on you, and getting the bad stuff out of your space, the way you want bad stuff out of your body. This is what matters.
      “Spending time with family” may mean having conversations that are either about the scary stuff or specifically NOT about the scary stuff. Which you might not be ready for.

      But here’s an idea… if you’re brave enough, invite a friend (or 2 or 3) to tackle a cluttered space as a fun activity. Tom Sawyer had it right, and people can be talked into helping if you make it fun.

      There’s more hands to move things around, you can deputize people for certain decisions, you can make a bigger transitional mess, and you’re less likely to give up and take a nap.

      And your your friends will be supporting your self care without needing to know.

      And there can be treats after.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Friends might also be willing to do some purging for you. (I found it easier to clean my mom’s place if she was in another room, after she wanted to keep the individually wrapped spork we found in with some church bulletins from 2011.)

        There’s a Stone Soup cartoon where Val is helping Joan clear out kitchen cabinets preparatory to painting.
        Val: So what’s in here?
        Joan: No idea.
        Val: Turn your back.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Choose a point and start there. You don’t have to manage the entire house, room, or corner in one go. I worked on decluttering my parents’ apartment while doing multiple trips to visit my dad in hospice, and it actually took–things are still picked up when I go to visit. For much of the spring there was a clear line marking where my decluttering ended on the last visit.

      Good advice is two piles rather than three: Keep, Maybe, Go. Months later you can reconsider some things that made it to the Maybe pile now–if you still haven’t managed to dent the stack of unread magazines 6 months from now, it isn’t going to happen. (Confession: I cancelled my subscription to The New Yorker after The Good Place scene in which Michael is going to be locked in a room with a stack of NewYorkers which obviously he isn’t going to read. When TNY and I are in sync it’s great, but we had fallen out of sync and they were just a reminder of something I obviously wasn’t ever going to actually do no matter how noble the gems of writing.)

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      Hugs and best wishes to you. I like the multiple container method: boxes or bags for things to give away/sell, fix/mend, throw away, and a box or laundry basket for “someplace else” things that you’re going to keep but that don’t belong in the room or area you’re working on now. Developed by the “Sidetracked Sisters”, it keeps you from getting pulled all over the house while you work. They also recommend the if you are a garage sale person you put a price label on everything right as you put it in the “sell” bag, because otherwise you’ll never have the garage sale.

      Finally, have pens, scissors, tape—everything you need to label any boxes or storage containers as you go.

      Decluttering is meditative and empowering and I hope it brings you peace.

      1. Auntie Social*

        One thing I learned was to organize as I go— labeling ziploc sweater bags, so I have a nice stack of bags that doesn’t topple over like the sweaters used to.

    10. epi*

      Many people clean when they feel anxious! It’s a great way to pass the time when there is nothing more you can do about the source of your anxiety.

      I recently had to do a big decluttering project: cleaning out my entire guest room, which had no furniture and had been used as a storage room for three years, and turning it into a room nice enough for my MIL to stay in over her 60th birthday.

      Clean out your closets first. Take everything out unless you know for sure you are keeping it and it’s hard to move. Decide what you want to keep, and get a general idea of what else might fit in the closet now that would make sense to store in that room/with that stuff. Get the minimum storage you need to make that happen, e.g. a shelf but not a full set of matching bins for the shelf. Return to the store and get additional organizing stuff only as needed, to store a specific thing in response to a specific problem. You will end up decluttering a lot of the surrounding room as you decide what stuff is pretty or useful enough to keep out, what deserves to go in your newly organized closet, and what you don’t need anymore. If you can’t decide whether to keep something, start a box or bag for it. Get rid of it if you haven’t thought about it or gotten it back out in a month.

      I hope you get good news! Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

    11. Mystic Shadows*

      Hey. I’ve also been getting hit hard with the decluttering bug. I’ve been doing it slowly and when it hits. For example, at 10 am on Saturday I’ll get the urge to Clean the closet so I’ll do it them. Noon I feel the urge to organize my books, so I do it then. And do it as long as you feel the urge. I also tend to have music playing when I do it.

    12. Clevername*

      I’m sorry- the wait can be agonizing and I hope when you get answers it’s good news. I think decluttering is a great instinct, it always helps me feel more in control when life feels out of control. And it’s active and a great distraction.

      In terms of practical tips — get stuff you’ve sorted and know you don’t want out of the house as quickly as possible. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good in terms of where stuff goes– far better to donate all of it and see it go now than try to make a few bucks but pay the cost of keeping yourself surrounded by things that don’t make you happy.

      Also, I really hope this is helpful and not scary to read, but I think decluttering is a common and a powerful instinct when contemplating the potential for death comes up. It can be daunting to think about leaving your loved ones with a mess, and perhaps this is your way of expressing care for them. Again, I really hope that all is well, but it can actually be a positive thing to think about the legacy you want to leave when you eventually do pass. I just read “The Art of Dying” and it was really helpful and empowering in reframing something most of us are too scared to face into an opportunity to be proactive and thoughtful. I am not saying it’s even close to your time, but I was glad to read it and have that frame for making the most of life till whenever the time does come.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. Sending out a bunch of good vibes for you on this one.

      Random thoughts:

      If it makes you sad or if you are keeping it out of some sense of joyless obligation then get rid of it.

      If you have not used it in a year or more, get rid of it.

      If you are keeping it for someone, tell them to take it.

      If you borrowed it, declutter-time is a good time to return it.

      That really wonderful shirt/candlestick/other thing that you cannot find a matching item to go with it, probably can be rehomed if you are not using it.

      If it’s broken, either fix it or replace it. It’s tag sale season. You can probably find almost anything you need for a modest price. Just this year, I have found a new stapler, a new adding machine and a few other items that were no longer working well and needed replacing. I haven’t spent $10 yet.

      If it is too hard to keep clean, ask yourself if it is worth keeping much longer. I got rid of a collection of porcelain thimbles (??!!) for this reason.

      The rule of thumb I heard is that most of us can get rid of 1/3 of our stuff without causing ourselves any discomfort. We will not miss the items. Interestingly, the article read that even folks in a very small apartment will still find that this applies to them also.

      To make this kind of fun for yourself, with the better items think of friends and family who will use the item. Consider giving it to them just to watch their faces light up. This actually can get very funny. I have a friend whose MIL gave her a utensil to remove corn from the cob. My friend loves this thing, you’d think her MIL gave her a million bucks. There’s a certain type of satisfaction in seeing other people’s joy.

    14. NoLongerYoung*

      Oh, sending a special hug. Cleaning/ decluttering is our entire families go-to coping method for waiting and for processing news, both. Hands busy, slightly distracted, feelings at the periphery, not front and center. And…you feel like you are doing “something” concrete… and you are.

      Lots of good advice here. My only additions? For the “go” stack -that you are sure of – make arrangements to have someone get it out of there when the decision is made/ drop off every day possible. What worked well was putting it in the trunk of the car and every time I went past the donation place, dropping off the bags/boxes. (Friends took truck loads, too).

      The stuff I didn’t have leave? I wound up going back through some boxes. Now, in my case, they were my sewing books, and I was glad I had put them together in the “maybe” stack. And some of the other books went into the “go” stack and went, and I still long for them (but I ‘could’ download them). But… going back through? Not so helpful.

      Also, in addition to the trunk, I have a triage area in the house. I box, seal, label (books for x, clothes to be dropped at Y, etc). So I can avoid thinking about it more than once.

      And yes, I tapped out all my friends those first few months, to help me get organized to get rid of things, and to come help. They liberally got first dibs on a lot of stuff, too. We’d do 3-4 hours, and then have lunch/dinner… and stop.

      The company really helped. I have one friend am in the midst of a trade with – she comes help me, I owe her (but will honor it when she needs me) to help her re-organize her pantry when she gets new cabinets.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m less Marie Kondo and more Dana K White. Her book ‘Decluttering at the Speed of Life’ talks about our homes, rooms, shelves as containers. If there’s not room in the X container, choose your favorite Xs until you don’t have more than fit easily. Website = A Slob Comes Clean.

    16. Nesprin*

      Doing a thing > thinking about a thing IMHO. Do you have some lingering things you could do around the house? Clean out the oven? Fold laundry? teach a family member how to make a famous dish?

  7. Outside Earthling*

    Does anyone have experience with temporary (I hope) sleep apnea? I’ve been struggling with a bad cold which, unusually for me, has gone into my chest. I’m not sure if it’s actually a chest infection or just a cold. My throat is also sore, although I think that’s mainly from the persistent coughing. Breathing is difficult and a bit wheezy. I’m coughing up green mucus. Since this started a few days ago, I’ve been jerking awake as I fall asleep, and my own voice is waking me up with a sort of choking sound. It’s quite disturbing and is making me afraid to fall asleep. I am worried that my old insomnia might return because of this. Some basic internet research tells me what I may be experiencing is sleep apnea. Does anyone know whether this is likely to go away when the chest cold / infection goes? The two must be related, right? I am a bit worried and would welcome any reassurance from anyone who has experienced this. Thanks.

    2. Quandong*

      One of my parents woke up gasping many times each night when his (severe) sleep apnoea was undiagnosed and untreated. This has stopped now he uses a CPAP. I don’t have experience with sleep apnoea myself.

      Please seek medical advice. If you have access to one, contact a GP or nurse helpline, or ideally, make a GP appointment. It sounds like you’ve developed an infection after your cold, based on your symptoms, and your breathing is affecting your ability to sleep. I would hope that once you can breathe freely, your sleep goes back to normal.

      (In case this might be of use to you – I tend to have severe coughing after viruses, and using a Turbuhaler to manage my cough has made a huge difference to my life. It could be worth asking your doctor whether this could work for you if your breathing difficulties are persistent.)

    3. Bagpuss*

      It may be directly related to the chest infection- I’m asthmatic and very prone to chest infections, and you can end up with mucus or fluid in your throat and nose so you do choke a bit.

      It can help to use more pillows so you aren’t lying as flat.
      Hope you feel better soon

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding not to lie flat. I have a triangular pillow that I break out whenever I am recovering from a bad cold, because lying flat seems to collapse the lungs right down.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I sometimes sleep upright when I have a cold, and I’ve found that I am most comfortable when I use a combination of a “ramp” of pillows plus one of those neck pillows you use on a plane to keep my head relatively straight.

    4. Sue*

      I agree in seeing a Dr. but you can also try to sleep as upright as possible to help with the cough. In a chair or recliner or with your bed propped up at the head is good. Pillows help slightly but putting something under the mattress to create an angle is better, ime.

    5. gsa*

      I was properly diagnosed with sleep apnea. The CPAP probably saved my life.

      My brother and FIL also use one. Please talk to your doctor.

      gsa

    6. Jules the 3rd*

      Go to the doctor to make sure you’re not dealing with pneumonia or bronchitis, and that your virus hasn’t turned into a bacterial infection.

      If you can’t make it to a doctor today, or they need test results before they can do much, pick up something to clear out your nose. If you can stand them, neti pots. I can’t stand them, so I use an anti-allergy nasal spray like Flonase or Nasacort. Take a hot steamy shower in the evenings, then use the nose-clearer of your choice. If possible, put a humidifier in your bedroom and sleep on tilted pillows.

      I have sleep apnea, it’s definitely worse when I have a stuffy nose.

    7. 653-CXK*

      I was diagnosed with sleep apnea in 2015. I have been using a CPAP machine since then and I would never give it up.

      Before I received my CPAP, I would relish sleeping in on weekends (an ideal day would be until 9 in the morning) because I didn’t get enough sleep during the week. I would fall asleep at my desk unless I had a fan blowing air at me. I snored like a freight train.

      I didn’t connect the dots until I read a newspaper article of a man who did the same things I did until he was diagnosed with sleep apnea. My PCP assigned me to a sleep doctor, who gave me an at-home sleep apnea test (that was the most fitful night ever). The results came back – I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea with 45 per hour (an incident meaning not breathing, partially breathing or being obstructed) – also known as AHI (apnea-hypnopea index).

      A few months later, I got my CPAP machine. The first night, I had an AHI of 12.6 – significantly lower AHI than 45, but still pretty high. As time went on, my AHI decreased significantly, and I got better sleep as a result. I stopped craving sleep on weekends, and now get a consistent 7-7-1/2 hours a night – and my AHI averages about 1.0 per night. I’ve even had a couple of nights where I had an AHI of zero – a perfect night’s sleep.

      Your bad chest cold might resolve, but if the choking sound is disturbing you long after it’s gone, it’s always worth a second opinion with your doctor.

      1. Going Full Boyle*

        This is only slightly related, but do you do anything else to treat sleep apnea? I’m getting a sleep study done next month (in their office, unfortunately), and I’m not sure what to expect in terms of treatment other than the CPAP.

        1. LilySparrow*

          That’s pretty much it. I asked my doc, and his advice was that there are a few other possibilities, like tonsillectomy or an experimental treatment that implants a reinforcement in the throat.

          But none of them are proven to work in adults.

          If the apnea is weight-related (it isn’t always), using the CPAP might make it easier to lose weight by lowering cortisol & increasing energy to exercise & make lifestyle changes. So that can create an upward cycle that makes the apnea less severe.

          But AFAIK, CPAP is the only proven treatment.

          It’s very common to have reluctance about starting CPAP, but the benefits are unbelievable. You don’t know how much difference good sleep makes until you get some.

          My AHI was 53. My blood-oxygen level was in the 70s.

          I fell in love with my CPAP the first night and will not do without it if humanly possible.

    8. Asenath*

      Well, you can wait until the cold goes away and see if it improves. I don’t think it’s uncommon to have trouble sleeping when you have a bad cold – I used to have to sleep sitting up to breathe more easily (and wake up when I naturally slid or tossed and turned to a more comfortable position. Or needed really strong cough syrup (occasionally prescription-only) if the coughing was bad enough to keep me awake. I hate having colds.

      On the other hand, if it’s an ongoing issue when you don’t have a cold, get checked out for sleep apnea. How you do that probably depends on your location – but your doctor’s office should have a list of local places that test for it. Some places do inpatient testing, some don’t. When I was having sleeping problems even when not sick, I went to a place where they renting me a CPAP machine for while, took a computer chip out of it which had recorded my sleeping patterns, and sent the info to a specialist and went over it with me. It turned out I did indeed have sleep apnea, so I got my own machine and followed their advice on the setting. That explained why I couldn’t sleep at night and dozed off in the day when I sat down and stopped moving around! Being a bit sceptical, I eventually decided I was feeling much better and so didn’t need to take my machine with me. Wrong move. All my symptoms came back. I now take my machine with me on all trips AND use it all the time at home.

      1. Outside Earthling*

        Thank you all very much for responding. The advice is helpful and reassuring. Really interesting to hear how much the CPAP machine can help! Hopefully this is a temporary problem for me but if not, it’s just nice to know that there are things that can be done to help. That in itself makes me feel much less anxious. I will go to the GP on Monday if the cold is no better. I did not want to go if it is ‘only’ a cold but it is a while since I have felt this sick so a doctor’s visit may be justified. Thanks again.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      See a doctor! A cold will clear up in about 5 days, anything longer is an infection. Don’t let it go!

      When you’re suffering from a cold or allergies it’s obstructing you’re breathing when you sleep. My sinuses get really stuffy or I’ll have a sore throat and then I’ll snore terribly, sometimes even waking myself up because it feels like I’m choking. Terrible! But this doesn’t happen all the time, only when I’m experiencing allergies or colds. I also do have a deviated septum, which may add to the stuffy nose problem.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      Go to the doctor, even if it’s just a doc-in-a-box at the chain pharmacy! When a cold settles into your lungs, it can turn into bronchitis or pneumonia. Pneumonia actually kills people. It hasn’t gotten me yet, but I definitely have permanent effects from repeated bouts of pneumonia. Having had it before seems to leave one more likely to develop it again.

      Here’s a quick and easy test for working lung capacity. Take a piece of tissue. Stand facing a wall, about a handspan away. Take a deep breath. See how long you can keep the tissue up against the wall by blowing at it. You don’t have to blow terribly hard; it’s more a question of how long you can sustain the exhalation. Also, if you can’t take a deep breath without triggering a coughing fit, that’s a bad sign: seek medical treatment.

      If you have fluid in your lungs, whether it’s simply sinus drainage or more serious, it is going to make you feel as though you can’t breathe, which ought to wake you up. That’s how things are supposed to work. Breathing steam before bed can help get the crud out, so you sleep better before it gets bad enough again to wake you.

    11. LilySparrow*

      My apnea first became noticeable after a bad cold, and yes the experiences you describe are an excellent match for an episode. Mine didn’t go away, it’s impossible to tell if yours will or not. Family history of apnea or severe snoring has a lot to do with it.

      Before I got my CPAP, or if I can’t use it for whatever reason, it helps a bit to use BreatheRight nose strips (or the generic version), and sleep on my side or stomach.

      Part of the problem is gravity – the soft tissues fall back to block your windpipe. So positioning yourself differently can help keep things clearer.

      But you do need to see a doctor anyway. I hope it does clear up and you feel better soon!

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Don’t lie flat – use pillows or whatever. It’ll help with drainage. Most likely, the fact that you’re sick is the problem here. I would recommend going to the doctor, given you’re having difficulty breathing and coughing up mucus.

      If you’re still concerned once you’re healthy, then talk to the doctor then. But first, get this infection taken care of.

    13. Arts Akimbo*

      Oh gosh. This is timely. I’m having a sleep test in a couple of days, and I have no idea why, but I’m extremely nervous about it. It just seems so invasive. And the annoying thing is, I’ve had one before, so I know what to expect. Stupid emotions, LOL!

      Go to your doctor, describe your symptoms. Being afraid to fall asleep is actually one major symptom of sleep apnea. But before that, get a wedge pillow to sleep on. Seconding the commenter who recommended it, it’s the only way I can sleep when I have a cold!

  8. Laura H.*

    One of my dogs crossed the rainbow bridge. My heart hurts but also is relieved that she’s no longer suffering. I wish their absence wouldn’t leave such a huge hole in our hearts though.

    2. StellaBella*

      I am so so sorry for your pain. Sending you an internet hug if you like, and warm thoughts tonsooth the pain of the loss.

    3. Dame Judi Brunch*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is honestly one of the hardest things to go through. Hugs to you!

    5. Charlotte*

      I’ve long wanted to get a pet, but reading posts like these I really don’t think I’d be able to stand it.

      1. rubyrose*

        It’s very hard when they go. But the joy, companionship and lessons they bring make the pain worthwhile in the long run.

        1. cat socks*

          Agree. When I’m feeling depressed, my kitties give me a reason to get up and keep moving. And they make me smile and laugh on a daily basis. For me, it’s absolutely been worth it.

        2. Laura H.*

          Seconded. Yes the loss hurts but it’s far overshadowed by the fact that I had Ginger and she was a dog I got to love and care for, wiggly waggy butt and all! And that’s exactly why it’s so hard to say goodbye.

      2. Mephyle*

        The words of Kahlil Gibran on Joy and Sorrow seem to me to be exactly about this. When I read, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain,” and “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight,” I think of my Best Dog. I wouldn’t have traded away the joy she gave us to avoid the sorrow of her leaving. It was worth it.

        “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
        And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
        And how else can it be?
        The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
        Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
        And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
        When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
        When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
        Some of you say, ‘Joy is greater than sorrow,’ and others say, ‘Nay, sorrow is the greater.’
        But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
        Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”

    7. HamlindigoBlue*

      I know how you feel. We lost our dobe in January. I still come home half expecting to see him in “his spot” waiting for his walk. I’m sorry for your loss.

    9. PhyllisB*

      So sorry, Laura. My heart breaks for you. I went through this two years ago, my two pups died within three months of each other. I have another fur baby, but you never forget them.

    11. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a giant hug and a tail wag from my latest rescue. There is never enough time. You loved deeply, and as long as you could… I found that I had to make myself take the walks a bit to get out in the sunshine. My most recent loss was my best “walker” and I revisited her favorite route to remember her on the early, tough days. The very first week, I had a lovely rainbow show up… it helped. May you find peace and comfort, too.

    12. PJ*

      Have you ever heard Jimmy Stewart read his poem “A Dog Named Beau”? If you search on youtube, there’s a clip of him reading it on the Johnny Carson show. It was really comforting to me after our golden died. The poem just does a beautiful job of capturing what our pets mean to us.

    14. Granger Chase*

      So sorry for your loss Laura. I am sure that she loved you very much and was so grateful for all of the love and care you gave her throughout her life.

  9. Just us chickens*

    Hello lovely AAM community. I’m a regular reader and occasional commenter. I’ve learned so much from all of you, and I love how generous and thoughtful people here are.

    A FB acquaintance is going through some hard times right now, and I’m not going to go into how the US healthcare system doesn’t work, but I’d like to ask that if anyone can help, please do so. She’s in the Atlanta area, and if you look up Gaele Hi on Facebook, she chronicles their day to day struggles of trying to get her partner to dialysis and having to sleep on the streets.

    Thanks for reading.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Not much of a FB user, but please let your friend know a Random Person on the internet is praying for her/thinking of her.

    2. Rosa*

      The National Kidney Foundation Helpline at 855-NKF-CARES (855-653-2273) might be able to refer to a social worker/resources to make her situation less dire.

  10. Gingerblue*

    Alison, I can never remember your cats’ names, but the one on the right always has the best expressions. A+ job on catting to both of them.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Eve. She looks a bit annoyed this morning, while Sophie is trying to look like she has no idea why.

    1. Audiophile*

      Oh my god, I just discovered it the other day. Google Play store randomly recommended it when I was updating another app.

      I’m not 100% sold on it yet, but it is interesting.

  12. AccountantWendy*

    Google Swedish Death Cleaning. It’s absolutely a thing. Also, it may be that you’re looking for a way to exert control, because there’s so much you can’t control right now. As far as de-cluttering:

    Start small. Pick one thing…a drawer, or a group of objects, or one bin. If doing all your clothes feels too much, just do dresses or socks…break it into small jobs.

    If you haven’t touched it in a year, you should probably get rid of it. This is especially true of cosmetics and similar items.

    If you forgot you owned it, definitely get rid of it

    If you’re not sure, put it in a box, out of sight out of mind. In six months, if you can’t remember what’s in the box, get rid of it. If your still not sure, leave it in the box another six months.

    Touch every object. It’s ok to own things, but decide to own them, don’t just accumulate stuff because that’s easier than getting rid of it.

    Be prepared to invest time and money. Junk removal, shelving, storage bins.

    I cannot stress enough: a place for everything and everything in it’s place. This is the most fundamental concept but it really makes a difference. Here is an example: I need chapstick because I live in a place with brutal winters. I have a little zipper pouch to keep all my chapstick in and it lives in a specific drawer in my bathroom. Any time I find chapstick in a purse I’m not using or a pocket of a coat, I know exactly where to put it. It doesn’t end up floating around the house being clutter, and I always know where to go when I need chapstick. Now magnify this across all the items you own. Absolutely everything you own should have a place it belongs.

    Don’t keep things you don’t want just because they were gifted to you. Keep the things which have meaning for you.

    Enlist a friend. Just having company can be helpful, they don’t have to actually do anything!

    Recognize it’s an ongoing process. Don’t rush. Slow and steady wins the race.

    1. TimeTravelR*

      I had just recently heard of this. I’ve been slowly moving in this direction. At this point really just started with getting all the paper information in one place so it will be easier (where my accounts are, who to contact about them, etc.) and have over the last few years been cleaning out the extra stuff. Things are in a better place, but definitely have a long way to go.
      It’s amazing how much junk we think we need…. and then we don’t.

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      I teach a decluttering class at the library and love the Minimalists as a resource. Also, from Marie Kondo, I take the idea of not cleaning or decluttering by room, but by category; all books, tools, papers, and on to the hardest, sentimental items.

    3. Midge*

      Every time I try doing something like this it ends up unsustainable because my husband and daughter aren’t on board. Sometimes I want to put EVERYTHING in a dumpster.

      Literally can’t declutter kid’s room anymore because we live in a tiny house and there isn’t a place to put the stuff we take out of it. Except for one spot in the basement, that has a few storage bins of stuff my husband was supposed to take to the consignment shop over a year ago. I can’t carry them in myself, so basically I can’t do shit about anything. Really, I wonder if anyone would notice if I called and ordered one of those small dumpsters.

      1. Kate R. Pillar*

        Can you enlist a friend or Task Rabbit or anyone else to take care of these boxes?
        Being bottlenecked like this for a year(!) sounds incredibly frustrating.

        1. MRK*

          Also, look into charities that will do a pick-up! We get flyers in the mail every so often for various ones, but I’m sure there are others.

      2. WellRed*

        Stick the boxes on the curb with a free sign. Post to social media as necessary. I find hyper local Next Door and FB marketplace most effective.

        1. Washi*

          Depending on what gets used in your area, posting a curb alert on Craigslist Free and Freecycle can also work in addition to these great suggestions.

          One of the nice things about living in a city is that anything I don’t want, I can just put out on the curb and it’s gone in like 30 minutes!

      3. LongestDay*

        Could you check if your local charities do pickups? You won’t get money from donating, but at least the stuff will be gone and you just have to box/bag it up and leave it outside on a scheduled day.

    4. LongestDay*

      My mom isn’t a literal hoarder, but she has hoarding tendencies and is constantly buying stuff (including stuff to organize her stuff), while getting rid of very little. I told her about the idea of Swedish Death Cleaning, and she thought it was “sick” and didn’t want to talk about it.

      When she was reorganizing some large closets and piles of stuff a few weeks ago, she mentioned had she had a couple of boxes of cutesy animal ceramic statues that she’d made for me and my siblings when we were kids. I asked her to donate them since we’re all adults and don’t need them anymore (and they’ve been sitting in boxes for over 20 years) and her response was that she couldn’t part with them and I could get rid of them if I wanted after she died. Super super super frustrating.

      1. Shiny alolan raichu*

        I’m fairly sure you’re not one of my siblings, so there’s more than one out there like my mum. I’m sorry you have the inevitable post-death-house-clearance to come, too :(

      2. Beatrice*

        My husband’s entire family is like this. They get really emotionally invested in Stuff. They don’t mind parting with some Stuff sometimes, but they really need to feel like it’s going to a good home or going to someone who’s going to make better use of it than they did. And they do not understand it when people don’t appreciate their Stuff the way they do – I was offered a 30 year old deathtrap of a playpen when my son was born, and it didn’t go over well that I didn’t want it.

        My mother and father in law live alone in a huge farmhouse – 4 bedrooms, about 3500 square feet of living space, plus a full basement, full attic, FOUR outbuildings and a barn on an adjacent property, and it’s all full of Stuff. They generally know what stuff they have and where it is, and it’s organized, but it’s a LOT of Stuff. When they die, it’s going to be a huge production to go through their Stuff, and my husband and his sisters are going to want to do it slowly and agonize over the best home for the Stuff and relive their memories of the Stuff the whole way. I will probably either get divorced, take a long long trip to a lovely vacation spot, or go to jail for arson when that happens, lol. There have been family discussions about what to do with the house when they’re gone, and I have made it abundantly clear that I don’t want it – it will come with leftover Stuff that no one wants to make difficult decisions on, and there will be emotional battles over it that I am not interested in engaging in.

        1. LongestDay*

          “Agonize over the best home for the Stuff.”
          “And they do not understand it when people don’t appreciate their Stuff the way they do.”

          Describes my mom!

          She has a huge typewriter sitting on a table in the corner of her office. She hasn’t used it in about 20 years (when she got a computer) and was briefly considering having me attempt to sell it on eBay for her. She happened to see someone who lived nearby ask if anyone had a typewriter they were willing to sell on whatever social media she was on, so she looked at their profile, deemed them to be a nice person who would treat the typewriter well, and offered to sell it. Changed her mind immediately when the potential buyer mentioned they were getting the typewriter for their sister. My mom didn’t know anything about the sister, so she couldn’t tell if she’d take care of the typewriter, so she couldn’t sell it to them. And now she doesn’t want me to sell it on eBay because the price I want to list it for is too low (it’s in “like new” condition and is a “fancy” and “well-built” typewriter in perfect working condition so apparently it should be worth at least what she paid for it in the 80’s).

          *headdesk*

          1. Beatrice*

            Sounds like my sister-in-law! I excuse myself when she talks about selling things, because her grasp on the marketable value of things is rooted in some kind of fantasyland that I don’t understand.

      3. ampersand*

        I’m right there with you! I dread the day my sister and I have to go through our parents’ belongings and sort through All The Things to decide what we keep and what goes. We’ve asked them to pare down before then but I don’t see it happening.

        1. TimeTravelR*

          Going through my mom’s attic after she passed is what cured me. There were things she “had to keep” from her sister who had died thirty years earlier, that had never been unpacked. And that’s just the attic,

          1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

            Friends of mine (early 70s) have been gradually sorting their stuff following a similar experience. It’s been quite a process for them, but yes it’s things like Aunty Mildred’s best flatware set that she never even used. They’ve been donating thoughtfully (espresso cups to the community cafe, ribbons and buttons to the primary school) until they’re holding only what they use and love.

            If you’re attached to a large set of things, it isn’t sacrilege to let 90% of it go and keep one item that reminds you of the set. Or take a photo and get rid of it all.

          2. Arts Akimbo*

            My grandmother, great aunts, and mother all used to make their own clothes. When these worthies died, it was deemed Unacceptable to get rid of any of their clothes. Ever. And somehow this extended to the clothes of great uncles and in-laws whose clothes were store-bought. And that is why my mother has the wardrobes of ten people in her other house. :-/

      4. NoLongerYoung*

        shhh… but what we do is “ask” mom for boxes of “stuff” when we are there, and then donate it far, far away on the trip home from the visit. It’s only one box or trunk full at a time, but… that much less to deal with later.

        I have taken the meaningful items from them (Great-great gramma’s amazing trip in 1890, souvenir ) and carefully kept that -with a note of why it is important. I’ve asked her -and she is doing – to tape on the bottom of all the “family” items the provenance of them, to “help” us. (This helps keep her busy, too, but also means I “do” hang onto the things that I want to pass down).

        Family visits usually involve us going through at least a couple hours one of the linen closets or storage areas and saying “ooh….that looks really useful…” and then making sure it leaves.

        She actually is pretty good about “most” of it, since she and her sister needed 4 months, full time days, and 4 roll-off drop boxes to remove everything from her mom’s house. So she doesn’t think her modest collection is “a lot.” On the other hand, I know I will have like one weekend to clear the place out (we don’t own it) and so getting the back corners of the closets and the true junk out of there, now, even under dubious pretext, is justified.

        YMMV, but if she doesn’t REFILL the empty spaces, it’s an option. If it just leaves more room to refill, then… no. But start saving for the cost of the declutter crew to come help clear it out. (I’m still working on husband’s hoard a year after his death).

      5. I'm A Little Teapot*

        You know, people say that so-and-so isn’t a hoarder, but if they having difficulty or refuse to get rid of unnecessary items, then by definition they’re a hoarder. You can be a hoarder and not having the house stuffed to the ceiling with stuff. It’s more the behavior/emotions than the quantity.

        It’s like someone who’s mildly allergic to something. Sure, maybe they just sneeze once or twice, but it’s still an allergy. You don’t have to end up in the hospital due to the allergic reaction to make it allergies. It’s a spectrum.

        1. Triumphant Fox*

          I mean, hoarding is a disorder and I think the line there is more intense than “doesn’t want to part with unnecessary items.” Like many disorders, I imagine it’s more along the lines of “interferes with your ability to live your life, maintain a job, relationships and your health.”

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            Agreed, but just because someone has very mild symptoms of the disease doesn’t mean they don’t have the disease.

            Honestly, I suspect a lot of the resistance is due to the cultural baggage of being a “hoarder”. There’s a lot of shame.

            2. Tinuviel*

              Conversely, recently there’s this boom of minimalism and decluttering and almost a Buddhist detachment from the material world that’s going around right now. I don’t think there is anything wrong, mentally or socially or otherwise, with taking comfort in your possessions and being reluctant to throw things away just because they “take up space.” It’s not “diseased” to want to live surrounded by things you like, or to keep things that others deem “useless” because you might use them someday.

              Modern trendy culture worships the cold, sterile minimalist spaces that are “free of clutter.” I say they’re free of character, of memory, of love and comfort and art and history.

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I really want to give this book to my mom and my mother in law, but it seems like a pretty rude gift unfortunately. My mother in law has said she’s not dealing with stuff because we can do it after she dies. She is otherwise lovely, like really the best mother in law I could have hoped for, except for this issue (and generally being an indifferent housekeeper, but since I don’t live there I only have to occasionally put up with it). For now, we bring home anything she wants to give us, which usually goes right from the car to the garbage can. To be fair, she does live in a rural area with no garbage pick up so getting rid of stuff is a bit more difficult. She’s rented a small dumpster a couple of times and my husband and I have gone to visit and help throw things away. It’s helped a bit, but there is a lot of stuff we will eventually have to deal with.

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        I am so thankful that my parents downsized to a two bedroom condo a couple of years ago. They purged a lot. Also, one of the most freeing things my mom said to me was, “We have nothing of value- when we die, you don’t need to keep any of it. except for grandma’s cross-stitch picture. I hope you keep that.”
        Having helped my husband go through his parent’s house after they both passed away unexpectedly I find myself looking at the things when I’m contemplating a new purchase, or cleaning my house, and ask ing myself, “Do I want my daughter to have to deal with this when I die?”

    6. Nana*

      I find the 10% rule an easy way to weed out. Look at any ten books/blouses/trousers and say ‘which one don’t I need?’ Sometimes I’ve been able to divest myself of three of the ten, which balance out the rare occasions that I ‘need’ to keep all ten.
      About to change out closets, and I’ll put a big safety pin on any summer clothing I didn’t wear this year. I’ll donate it in the spring (summer clothing donated now goes in the rag pile; Goodwill/Sally Ann can’t store Stuff for next summer).

      1. AccountantWendy*

        I hadn’t heard this rule and I love it! We have done so much getting rid of stuff recently that we’re down to the really hard decisions and this might help me sift through the last few remaining categories (esp. my vast collection of sewing patterns and all those books I will read “some day). It’s also a great way to thin out my photo albums – my mother invested heavily in making photo albums for all her kids growing up, and I love them -but they are two book shelf’s worth of albums for the first 18 or so years of my life and I just can’t help but think I don’t need ALL the photos, though of course I want some – I think I’ll start with the 10% rule and see how much that thins the collection.

  13. matcha123*

    Is there a kind way to tell friends I need a lot of space?

    I live in the opposite time zone from some friends (their am is my pm) and others in my area sometimes text to hang out. I am very happy that they are thinking of me, and for most of them I can’t meet them often. However, I need a huge amount of downtime after work and after socializing (hours to days). And since I am meeting different people, it’s hard to say back off. One person I may not have seen for a month will want to meet after another I haven’t met for weeks, etc.

    Any good scripts I could try?
    Some friends probably feel like texting or talking on the phone is fine, but when they do that, I can’t really do other things. Especially with the ones who would get put off by multitasking.

    1. Marmaduke*

      I don’t know how this would work with your friend dynamics, but myote introverted friends and I generally say, “Sorry, that’s my scheduled decompression time. I will be ready to be social after (time/date).”

    2. Washi*

      If you want the friends to stop asking you so often and to back off a bit, just say “sorry, unfortunately that doesn’t work for me” when they ask you to do stuff and you don’t want to. Most people will get the message/not get a lot of positive reinforcement from inviting you to things, and will probably lower the frequency.

      If you like that your friends are reaching out to you but just can’t say yes to everything, I would offer an alternative plan, like “ohh, Friday doesn’t work unfortunately, but how about we put a date on the calendar to get coffee next week?” Also, if your friends to a lot of the initiating and you like that, despite not having the bandwidth, you can say that. I would be flattered if a friend said to me “I know don’t always have the spoons to hang out, but I want you to know I’m so happy to have you in my life and glad you keep inviting me to things.”

    4. zyx*

      It’s okay to say you’re busy! Or, for friends who don’t mind the phone, that you’d be happy to catch up on the phone when you’re washing the dishes, folding the laundry, commuting, or whatever. What happens if you suggest an alternate time and mention that you’ll be multitasking up front?

      One thing to keep in mind, though: if you say no often enough and don’t issue reciprocal invitations, your friends may stop inviting you. (That makes sense—nobody likes getting turned down all the time.) You may end up in charge of invitations and initiating contact with the people you want to stay friends with.

    5. LilySparrow*

      “I’m swamped this week, how about next Tuesday?”

      “I have plans tonight, can I call/text you tomorrow?”

      You are an adult. You get to define for yourself what “too much” is, and you have 0.000% obligation to justify your threshold to anyone else. You are allowed to plan time to clean your house, play with your pet, take a long bath, research Halloween costumes online, or whatever else would annoy anti-multitasking callers.

      Just make sure you’re offering an alternate time, so they know you’re not avoiding them personally.

      1. matcha123*

        Coming up with an alternate time has been the thing I’ve had the hardest time with. There are so many different things I’m trying to get done at once and it could be months before I feel OK to meet without pushing something back…

    1. Quake Johnson*

      I was happy with the winner but kind of shocked that the school choir made it all the way to 2nd. I thought most of the other acts (especially the African choir) were much better.

    2. It’s All Good*

      Was happy for Kodi I think he is very talented. I thought Light Balance Kids would of been the best Vegas act.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’m surprised at how the results turned out; there were a few who I thought would make the top 5, if not win, that did not make top 5. I am happy with Kodi winning, he is definitely talented.

      I was rooting for the comedian with the deformed hands (sorry, not sure of the PC term!) – his joy is infectious and he is very funny.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I believe “limb difference” is used as a catch-all term where the atypical development/shape is congenital rather than the result of injury etc.

  15. Marzipan*

    Lately I have been low-key obsessed with two TV shows that seem to hit a very gentle, completely undemanding vibe I’m finding very soothing. So, in case anyone else is looking for something similar, they are:

    World’s Most Extraordinary Homes – a BBC thing, it’s on UK Netflix but dunno about elsewhere. They just visit a succession of the most insane modern houses and basically have a nose around, and maybe a chat with the owners and/or architect. Clearly all the houses must have cost the GDP of a small country, but they don’t really get into anything like that. It’s just immensely peaceful and I need to watch some of the episodes again because I keep falling asleep watching it.

    And then the other one is The Repair Shop – BBC, currently on iPlayer, again no idea about the test of the world, sorry. My dad was going on and on about it so I watched an episode and then immediately binged half a dozen more. Basically, they have a load of incredibly skilled craftspeople in a barn somewhere, and people bring them old stuff and they fix it. But it’s usually stuff that has immense sentimental value to the owners, and often in the most appalling condition – so, like, ‘this china statue is the last thing I have to remember my beloved grandmother’ and the thing is literally in shards, or whatever. And the relevant craftspeople just painstakingly repair each item, which is fascinating and they’re all incredibly competent at things I didn’t even know were possible – and then the owner comes back to collect their object which now looks amazing, and probably has a little cry. It’s genuinely the loveliest thing.

    1. NeverNicky*

      The Repair Shop is lovely. It’s keeping me sane. Just watching skilled people calmly and competently do their thing whilst our incompetent ‘leaders’ take us into destruction gives me hope that we can repair the damage.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I really like the World’s Most Extraordinary Homes. Usually of the four homes featured: one does nothing for me, two have some interesting features mixed with some I don’t like, and one is a place I would love to live if granted to us for a 3-6 month sabbatical. (So practical questions about proximity to work or cost of upkeep don’t come into it.) I imagine other people have a similar division but would put different homes in the too cold/ just right spots.

      I really like that often these are not huge houses–they’re at a scale I would find inviting to live in.

      In a similar vein, on Netflix: Big Dreams Small Spaces is about how to turn a small space into a garden. It’s not what to do with 5 acres and a massive budget, but relatable small, awkward spaces that are completely overgrown with brambles, or holding random junk you meant to get rid of, or a blank square of lawn. And there’s a nice range of goals and budgets.

    3. Asenath*

      World’s Most Extraordinary Homes is on Netflix in Canada, to – I don’t think The Repair Shop is. I do watch World’s Most Extraordinary Homes – Unlike Falling Diphthong, I don’t usually like the homes, but I watch anyway, astonished at the effort and thought that goes in to them. I wouldn’t even consider buying, say, an extremely minimalist-style house in some beautiful but inaccessible area even if I were a billionaire, but its fascinating watching how they did it. Monty Don’s various garden shows are soothing, and I liked Wild Australia with Ray Mears (there was another series with a different host about remote areas in Europe), and those 72 most dangerous animal shows. Oddly enough, I like the Canadian shows “Highway through Hell” and “Heavy Rescue: 401″ – you wouldn’t think highway accidents would be soothing, but somehow it is, maybe because they always show successful tow truck operations. Someone else who likes them said ” I like watching competence”. I watched a similar show set in Australia, but it lacked the ice storms and blizzards.

    4. HannahS*

      Big Dreams, Small Spaces! It’s so great. It’s this British garden makeover show, but it’s totally unlike American makeover shows. The vibe is so supportive and relaxed, and there’s no injection of glamour from the network. Just a lovely older expert gardener helping people make the yard they want, whether that’s a kitchen garden, play space for their special needs child, oasis that reminds them of their honeymoon, etc. It’s delightful.

    5. londonedit*

      The Repair Shop is wonderful. I actually did the opposite – I kept going on at my dad about how much he’d love it, and he finally watched it and is now hooked! The craftspeople are so incredibly clever and it’s so lovely seeing people’s reactions to their restored possessions.

    6. Nicki Name*

      Anime has a term for this vibe– “iyashikei” or “healing”. It’s a whole genre in Japan! If you’re ever interested in fictional shows like this, look it up for a ton of recommendations.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        Thank you for this! I’ve been thinking of trying to get back into anime but I also love relaxed viewing, so I’m looking at a list to see if any of this interests me!

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        I’m hoping Repair Shop is available somewhere in the US, or at least obtainable. I want to watch it very badly now :)

        2. Dr. Anonymous*

          It’s on Daily Motion right now, but who knows how long that will last. I have a similar problem watching The Great British Sewing Bee. Neither the BBC nor the production company has licensed it for sale or streaming in the US.

    8. GoryDetails*

      I hadn’t heard of Repair Shop – sounds like something I’d love! If it’s available online I may be checking it out soon. (My dad would have loved something like that…)

      My own go-to soothing-type show is the Great British Bake Off, though at this point I have all the rerun seasons memorized. There are other-country versions, none of which air in my region, but I’ve been able to stream most of them one way or another – favorites included the Australian one (I think that one went for three seasons) and the Canadian one.

      I hadn’t seen the term “iyashikei” before either, despite being an anime fan – and it turns out that there’s a TV Tropes page on the term, with lists of anime (and a few other media types) that fit the description.

      1. AL (the other one)*

        If you like the Bake Off, you might also like the Sewing Bee, hopefully a new series will be out next year…

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          Also Throw Down (British, ceramics) and Blown Away (Canadian, glass). I love watching skill.

            1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

              The jeopardy is super high because sometimes stuff just shatters at the last moment. That’s what I liked about the ceramic one too: that the firing was uncertain and it might come out cracked or something.

              1. fposte*

                I just binged it last night. I started out thinking “Eh, I don’t know how involved I’ll be” and ended up rapt. And yes, same with Pottery Throwdown–which was even worse because it could be days later when the work shattered.

                I had not realized just how much actual fire is running around a glass studio, and the blowers are all like “Hey, I’ll pat this with my gloved hands as it’s in flames!” I imagine that the show setup is pretty unusual for the high traffic in such a space, but holy cow, I can’t imagine the insurance.

    9. Damien*

      I LOVE the repair shop, it’s so wholesome and just plain interesting to see how they can turn a wreck into something near-pristine. So nice to see the customers’ reactions each time.

    10. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      The British Baking show is my jam for this. I don’t even care if I’ve seen it before because I never remember who wins or whatever.
      The contestants are all lovely to each other snd they make stuff I’ll never do myself so I don’t even have to try to learn anything.
      Aaaah… soothing.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        It’s weird: with fiction I remember all the details of the plot on rewatch, but on TGBB I will have absolutely no idea who’s going to do well or poorly on this challenge, and who got star baker or eliminated. Like, I have a vague sense of who does and doesn’t go far, but individual results have all left my mind.

    11. Parenthetically*

      We LOOOOOVE Extraordinary Homes. I was muttering that I wished there were three more seasons and my husband overheard and said, “WHAT?! There are three more seasons??” and then was very disappointed when I repeated myself.

    12. Lady Alys*

      My husband has been watching some YouTube videos by a guy who just goes out into the woods (with permission, I assume) and builds stuff, with minimal tools/prep. “Viking House” is one series, and “Saxon House” too. His dad helps sometimes too. They don’t talk much, but are very funny when they do.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        If you like excellent skill with not much talking, the Engel’s coach shop youtube videos are great. He build or rebuilds coaches, wagons and other draft vehicles. The first videos I watched were on the giant borax wagon replicas, which are absolutely fascinating.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m hooked on horse-training videos by Danish trainer Mia Lykke Nielsen. She calls her training program “When horses choose”, it’s all about acting just enough horselike to get the horse with the behavior problem to start trusting the human as they would a member of their herd. Her work with wild mustangs at a Florida rescue center was astounding.

  16. Marmaduke*

    I posted last week about my guilt regarding my hospital stay for pancreatitis. I really appreciated the kind words and helpful suggestions and wanted to post a quick update for anyone who’s interested:
    My husband and I talked to an advisor who is helping us apply for disability aid, which would help with the hospital bills.
    While I can’t afford to get back into therapy, I found some local support groups. If I qualify for the disability aid, I should also be able to use paratransit so I can get to the support groups.
    I’ve found some online dance videos that I’m enjoying (if you know of any fun ones, let me know!) which is making exercise more pleasant.
    I’ve discovered lots of tasty recipes and am learning to enjoy food instead of fearing it. I’m spending a lot of time learning to enjoy my senses in general. It feels good.

    Thank you all!

    1. LibbyG*

      Thanks for updating! I’ve been thinking of you all week. I’m so happy that you found the time and energy to grab onto these smart strategies and that you’re feeling the payoff. Yay for you and Marmadude and Marmakid!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You sound good here, like you have found a bit of peace. I am very happy for you. May you continue to find more peace and reassurances.

  17. A bit of a saga*

    Getting the running thread up and, ahem, running! I’m really happy I was able to finish a local 10 km race yesterday evening. I’ve had quite a few problems the last months – plantar fasciitis but also a pulled thigh muscle, so I’ve not run at all and then only very short distances. It wasn’t fast or pretty but it feels like a milestone (also, we ran through the district city hall where the mayor gave a high five to all runners as we passed through his office – he must have a sore hand today but it was fun)

      1. LGC*

        First 20-miler (or…~30k – really, 32k) of the season this morning for me! I’m doing the NYC Marathon again this year.

        Funny enough, it actually ties into the other marathon-related drama I have. I prefer using my middle name, and that’s what my NYC result is under. I signed up for Boston, but that’s in limbo because I need to use my first name for Boston and they were like, “WE DON’T THINK YOU’RE THE SAME PERSON.” So, I need to basically explain that to them.

        (Like, my Boston time from last year is good enough to qualify. It’s just my NYC time was faster by 7 minutes.)

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Good luck! I was thinking about the people doing 18- and 20-milers when I woke up Thursday morning and it was 52 degrees in NYC.

          1. LGC*

            I’m still not sure if I ran 20 or 21! Apparently, the Palisades are New Jersey’s answer to the Bermuda Triangle, since I lost the track coming back.

            Speaking of which, somehow Palisades State Park happens to be uphill both ways. I thought this was just something grandpas said, but apparently it is possible IRL. It’s not fun!

            1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

              I’ve wanted to try running there for quite awhile but it’s not so easy to get to from where I live. What you’re saying about it being uphill both ways is consistent with what I’ve heard about it in general. It sounds both beautiful and kind of demonic!

              1. LGC*

                You’d be right! It’s really pretty, especially at the spots that come by the Hudson, but the hills are PAINFUL.

                We ended up going up to the police headquarters in Alpine (from Fort Lee – for people who don’t live local to that, that’s from the George Washington Bridge up to the NY/NJ state border, or roughly 8 1/2 miles each way). I also learned why Alpine is called Alpine – there’s something like a 300 foot straight climb over a little more than a mile.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      I really have no business posting on here as I am so NOT a runner.

      I did a 12 minute jog yesterday. That’s the longest I’ve gone (without walking or stopping) since…forever? I’ve been working out but running/jogging is the pits for me. I get horrible shin splints but I’ve decided to “work through them” as my runner SO advised. Stretching them multiple times a day has helped.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        You are a runner. You runned! I like the John Galloway walk/run method and ran a marathon that way. I’m in PT now hoping to go back to slow distance running someday. (You don’t have to be slow to do Galloway. It just happens that I AM slow).

      3. A bit of a saga*

        Of course you’re a runner! And as someone said to me yesterday as we plodded along (let’s just say we weren’t exactly in contention for any prizes in that race with our speed): ‘we are doing so much better than all the people who didn’t even get out there tonight’ – that’s true for you, too!

      4. LGC*

        Okay, so – everyone else has covered the “you’re a runner” thing, but from a guy who brags constantly about his running exploits: dude, you’re as much of a runner as I am. You ran. You did the thing.

        (You are not necessarily a Runner, in that you are nowhere near as obnoxious as I am about it. This is a good thing!)

        Also, I’m not a PT, but I disagree with your SO. A lot of times you should run through fatigue and soreness, but with shin splints that’s a sign you need to back off a bit. Honestly, you can jog six minutes, walk a bit, and then jog six minutes again (for example). Stretching does help, but part of it might be that you’re ramping up too much for you.

        1. anonagain*

          “A lot of times you should run through fatigue and soreness, but with shin splints that’s a sign you need to back off a bit.”

          I agree. CoffeeforLife, I’m also a fledgling runner and I’m finding that my heart/lungs are adapting faster than my lower legs and feet. It’s a frustrating mismatch that makes it easy to do more than my bones and tendons can handle. My progress feels infuriatingly slow, but every time I get impatient, I start having foot or shin pain again.

          I hope you feel better soon and also that you start enjoying running more!

    3. londonedit*

      Hoorah! I did my last long training run before next Sunday’s half-marathon. Ran with friends along the Thames and back, then finished up with parkrun.

      Now I just need to convince myself that I am capable of ‘going for it’ at the half – usually my strategy for this race is just to get round and enjoy it, but my training this summer has been way better than ever before, and I feel like I’d be doing myself a disservice if I didn’t try to run the sort of time my training is telling me I should be able to. But that is scary!

      1. LGC*

        Good luck!

        I’ve noticed that quite a few half marathons have pacers now – even smaller races. (I’m doing one in a couple of weeks.) Check to see if they have pacers and what times they have – a smaller race might have groups for every 10-15 minutes, while larger races have groups every five. (To give an example – two of the larger local races with fields of ~2000-3000 for the half had groups every 5. The one I’m doing – put on by Shore AC, down the Jersey Shore – has pacers every 15.)

        If they do have pacers, go with the one closest to your goal time. If you’re between groups, I’d almost say to start with the slower one and pick it up as you go along (unless – say – you’re shooting for like a 1:50 and the groups are 1:45 and 2:00 – then I’d say to ignore the pacers entirely). It can be a big difference – every 5 minutes of finishing time is ~23 seconds per mile.

        Finally, if you do run with a pacer, just keep them in your sights! A good pacer will aim to finish 30 seconds faster than their assignment (so a 1:45 pacer will run 1:44:30). If you cross the start at the same time, you can be up to 30 seconds behind and still hit your goal. A lot of pacers will aim to run as evenly as possible, though I’m not sure about your race.

        1. londonedit*

          Oh they always have pacers – ‘proper’ ones from a pacing company doing the round numbers and people from my running club doing the 5s. The trouble with pacers is that there’s always a huge crowd around them, especially at the time I’ll likely be attempting, and often their pacing strategy doesn’t quite line up with mine. I think I might do my own thing but maybe try to keep a pace team in sight.

          1. londonedit*

            (I’ve done about a million half marathons before and three marathons, so I’m used to race day! It’s just that my training is usually crap over the summer so I never usually try properly at this particular race. Also while I describe it as my local half I didn’t mean it’s small – it’s a fairly major race!)

    4. Lady Jay*

      Eleven miles this morning on a favourite trail that’s only accessible during this summer. The rangers come and shut it down after a certain point; today was the last day this season I’ll be able to get out there. Gorgeous scenery, with mists in the valleys and mountains rising out of the mists all around me.

      I’ve got my eye on a trail run start of November, though I may not be strong enough on the uphills to really have a fun time. We’ll see.

      Also!! Barkley Fall Classic this weekend. Anybody running?

      1. LGC*

        Oh man, I didn’t even think about trail running season coming to an end! That’s kind of sad that it’s only open during the summer – it sounds like something that would be great as a fall run.

        I’d say go for the November run – and I’m someone who says he hates uphills (and then does them anyway). You might surprise yourself.

    5. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Good going! I’m looking forward to running my first post-injury race. Still not sure yet when that will be.

      It’s starting to get really nice and cool in the mornings in the US Northeast (or, at least it was; now it’s going back to summer-like weather for awhile). It’s made me really miss long runs and kind of jealous of the folks I’m seeing out there training for marathons and half marathons. But the good news is that I’m at the point now where there’s really nothing stopping me from doing them, except for the fact that I need to build my endurance back up, which I know comes gradually.

  18. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    Mine is starting to die off, although the tomatoes are slowly starting to go pink so I might yet have them ripen a bit on the vine. The sunflowers are the only part of the garden which has a lot of life, as they are blooming quite well. Now is the time of year where I should dig up certain parts in order to clean them up, as they are too dense, but I’m struggling to find motivation. Yet it’s also important to spend as much remaining time outside while the weather is enjoyable, right?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I still have a bunch of little jalapenos; habanero plant has blossoms still; the tomatoes are thinning out, though still green; herbs are still pretty strong; and the green beans weren’t doing great to begin with due to some animal munching the leaves off early in the season. My hanging baskets are almost dead, so I’ll be replacing them with mums this weekend.

    3. Knitter*

      We’re finally getting enough tomatoes (ripened indoors) to make sauce. Eggplant is coming in furiously, but have to be used immediately so we’ve been keeping them on the plant till we have plans to use them. My neighbor is Italian American and taught me how to make eggplant parm a few years ago and hers is the actual best.

      At this point, I’d start digging up the beds and transferring the remains to the compost bin, but we are going to do an addition on the house and I am a little worried (perhaps irrationally) they the compost will somehow get contaminated in this process. It’s an 100 year old house so there has to be lead paint somewhere and other unhealthy stuff that will get stirred up. Thought? Am I letting my anxious brain go a little wild?

      1. Venus*

        I just replaced lead water pipes (between the street and house, inside the home was okay) and have raised vegetable beds due to worries about contamination, so I don’t know if you are irrational but please know that you aren’t alone!

        1. knitter*

          Thanks =)

          We have raised beds which I lined and filled with soil we had delivered. I’m leaning toward composting, but using it for non-vegetable beds. I hate the idea of filling yard waste bins to only have it added to the landfill.

    4. WellRed*

      Can I jump in here and ask about mums and asters in containers? I have no luck, they turn brown quickly. Not enough water? Too much sun? Is it a huge difference if I buy from local nursery rather than the grocery store?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Probably drying out too fast. This could be too much sun or perhaps they need a larger container. If you planted them in the ground it could be that the roots were so pot bound that the plant could not drink up the water it had available. I gently loosen the roots and spread them out a little bit before covering with soil. This kind of shows the roots where to go.

        I used to think nurseries were better. But I see now that just like grocery stores, the nurseries are selling things not meant for our zone. Check the zones before purchasing, that may help a little. Nurseries will probably fertilize their plants, some grocery stores don’t give their plants any “food” at all. It’s handy to be aware that your new plant might like something to munch on.

        My plants dry out while I am at work. If I ever go back to container plants I will have to look into ways for them to get automatic watering. I am sure there are many places you can check out if this interests you. The place I like to look at is out of Burlington Vt., Gardener’s Supply. They are a little spendy but you can at least see various ideas for how people are handling automatic watering.

      2. Venus*

        I have no answers for you, sorry, but please know that nothing is too off-topic! I appreciate your enthusiasm for asking.

    5. Seifer*

      I have two giant buckets on my balcony that I planted carrots and radishes in. They’re doing pretty well, and I read that they’ll do fine with the cool weather, so fingers crossed that I’ll get at least one of each!

      Basil is the only thing that survived from the summer since the apartment complex decided they were going to paint and plastic wrapped balcony access for a week and a half so I couldn’t get out there to water. I planted more cat grass and redid the catnip, but while the cat grass took off, the catnip is taking its sweet time. The cat, however, is determined to mow all of the kitty grass every time I got out there to water, so she is now considered a threat to the balcony garden. She is allowed four pieces a day because we want it to last through the winter haha.

    6. New(ish) Gardener*

      Anyone in this thread have suggestions on things we CAN plant this late in the season? Like kale or spinach? I live in southern Wisconsin for reference. The thought that maybe I could have one last garden hurrah was my only motivator to clean up the dying mess!

      1. NewReadinGlasses*

        Pansies or violas (my favorite, and they can live through some snow.
        Calendula
        Various salad greens, like spinach, arugula, anything you would eat as sprouts
        Peas
        All the cabbages
        Beets and onions. You can eat them any time they are big enough to bother with, or eat the leaves. They both should live through the winter, although I find the beets get kind of bitter.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Your local nursery should be able to advise for your specific location, but I think you should check out cool weather veggies, peas come to mind, I think some greens might work. I want to say cauliflower and broccoli maybe?
        There are also books about having a three season garden that you might find interesting.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m told I could squeak in a fall crop of radishes… I haven’t tried it yet, but I’m giving the cucumber planter a thought because the cuke gave up the ghost in the late summer heat.

      4. Lora*

        Check out the Winter Garden Handbook by Eliot Coleman. Dude grows veggies year round in Maine.

        What kills my winter garden is heavy snow that smashes the covers down and keeps out the sun, not freezing. Someday I’ll have a real greenhouse… You can definitely do lettuces and kale though. Pea shoots if you eat the sprouts as opposed to the peas (they are delicious). Radishes certainly, there’s one I grow called the 18 day radish and it is more like a month and a half in cold cold weather, but still.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One dahlia finally has exploded into growth, the other still hates its container.
      The big news was my husband talked me into staying outside with him while he took down a dead oak. (Thanks gypsy moths.) He took down dozens of trees growing up on his family farm, but there’s a difference when it’s around driveways and lawns and wires. He dropped it exactly where planned, but when it landed one limb snapped and punched through our driveway. Theread was also serious damage to our lawn. I am decidedly not happy. The whole thing was extremely stressful, and there’s still cleanup for tomorrow. The neighborhood turkey family enjoyed a feast in the fallen limbs on the lawn.

  19. Hazy days*

    Argh! I’ve been Feeling Emotions this week, and then I’ve been Feeling Emotions about Feeling Emotions, and have got myself in a meta-emotion tangle.

    I like a very nice guy who I’ve met through work. I was just getting over my crush when we ended up collaborating on a small, follow up event, and now I’m upset again. (He’s in a long term relationship, likes me as a friend and colleague, but is no way going to end a happy relationship.)

    I feel stupid and embarrassed to feel so sad about a crush. Nothing bad has happened, just a disappointment about someone who I have not known very long, and I think I should be able to smile and move on. But instead I’m sad. I’m being kind to myself and planning a nice thing for the weekend, but I’ve got a lot of tangled feelings around this one and would appreciate other people’s perspectives.

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      Maybe you form close attachments because you’re a loving person and so it’s a little painful to let go of them. Give yourself permission to be sad and just baby yourself this weekend.

      1. valentine*

        A loss is a loss. It’s okay to be sad and if you give it the space it needs, part of you won’t be fighting the rest of you for the right to be sad for a bit. While it’s worth checking whether the sadness is about something else, there doesn’t need to be anything larger at play.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I agree with being gentle with you. Yelling at ourselves to “stop doing that!” very seldom goes well.

      You may want to consider this: Sometimes (not always) crushes fill a void. We have a blank spot in our lives and nothing going on to fill the blank spot. Think about some of the do-able things that you have just not quite gotten around to doing yet. Now is a good time to pick one and dig in.

    3. LilySparrow*

      The only thing wrong I see is the word “should.”

      “Should” is a word for laundry, charity, thank-you notes, taxes, and recycling. It has absolutely nothing to do with feelings.

      Fire “should” from this experience, it doesn’t belong. You are totally entitled to like people and find them attractive. You are entitled to be sad that it isn’t going to go anywhere.

      You will move through this a lot easier if you don’t use “should” as a stick to beat yourself with.

      1. Hazy days*

        Thank you everyone! That is lovely and very kind. I will take all the wise words shared here and give them a little hug.

        You are all quite right – it is fine for me to like someone (despite being a ‘middle-aged career woman’), and it is fine to be sad that the person I like doesn’t have a future with me in that way.

        And it’s very nice to think of myself as a loving person who forms attachments when they meet a fellow good person in the world.

        I think perhaps there’s a gap in my life for a handsome man who seeks out my company, has creative ideas, shares my political opinions, and who seems an all-round good egg! It may be that what I really would like is to be more cherished and looked after, but life is what it is, and I don’t think that’s available for the asking.

        So your kind words are all the more valued! Thank you, people.

    4. Clever Name*

      I’ve been there. Had a low-key crush on a coworker for a while, but didn’t really think too much about it as I was married and he had a girlfriend. I divorced and a part of me hoped “this is IT!” Of course he didn’t break up with his longtime girlfriend to be with me. My former crush is a great guy. Super smart and has an infectious upbeat attitude. Think of your crush as a sign of your good taste. I was sad and wistful for a while; your feelings are totally normal.

  20. Director of Alpaca Exams*

    Shabbat shalom to all who observe it, and shavua tov to those seeing this after sundown Saturday!

    Rosh Hashanah is around the corner! Got any honeycake recipes or family traditions to share? Are you doing #BlogElul/#ElulGram? What makes the High Holy Days meaningful to you? Or are you dreading long services and family gatherings?

    1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I’m really looking forward to Selichot Across Brooklyn on the night of the 21st, which is always so full of music and joy. And I have acquired my annual “Adon HaSelichot” earworm. (I like the Masorti Israel version on YouTube, which has a very pretty video as well.)

      My honey allergy seems to have gotten worse, so I’m trying light corn syrup and golden syrup as alternatives for baking and apple-dipping—other suggestions welcome.

      2. Alexandra Lynch*

        Is it honey or is it fructose? Cause I have fructose, so corn syrup, golden syrup, agave syrup, and maple syrup are all on my “don’t eat or you’ll get sick as a dog” list.

        1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

          It’s actually a pollen allergy! So it’s specifically honey. A fructose allergy sounds like a nightmare, I’m so sorry.

      3. spock*

        I’ve done a fully vegan “honey” cake with 1:1 agave replacement. Not identical but still turns out great.

    2. Kate*

      These are the first High Holidays since my spouse and I split. It’s a whole lot of low key feelings (The Feelings are saved for Passover 2020, that was always such a big family event, and now they’ll do their thing with my daughter and it’ll just be me… somewhere)

      1. heckofabecca*

        Yeah, same situation for me too! My FIL’s birthday is on Rosh Hashana, and we always celebrated with my ex’s family since his mom hosts EVERYTHING. Kate, best of luck finding a new tradition for yourself <3 Sending solidarity hugs.

        I'm excited this year because I went to the farmer's market and got some Oaxacan honey from Costa Chica! Can't wait to eat it on apples… and I already know it's good on challah ^^;

        My favorite RH recipe of all time is one I've only eaten, never made… but pomegranate chicken!!! Sprinkled with pomegranate seeds as a garnish. Juicy, delicious, gorgeous… My friend also has a pinterest board of vegetarian RH ideas. https://www.pinterest.com/atthewood/recipes-to-try/rosh-hashana-ideas/

        Shabbat shalom!!!

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      The best honey cake, that everyone wolfed down, is the recipe on the Chabad website.

      I’ve made it into cupcakes (no frosting), little loaf cakes and regular cakes.

      My I hate honey cake friends will eat it.

      Shavau Tov!

      1. NYC Redhead*

        Do you know which one? There’s one called Lekach, a classic honey cake, and one called Nana’s? Thank you!

    4. Not A Manager*

      Our observance is usually a little bit of shul and a lot of food. I’m traveling from my home to the city that a lot of our family lives in, and hosting the meal there. I already have a bunch of stuff in my freezer that I’m going to transport in my luggage.

      My adult kids are very tradition-oriented about holiday foods, so I can’t change up the main dishes at all. Matzah balls, kreplach, and brisket WILL be on the menu. While they prefer potato kugel, this year I’m making sweet noodle kugel. I also baked a couple of sweet challah recipes that I haven’t made before, apple and cinnamon and a cherry/almond paste.

      I just don’t like honey cake very much. I’ve made the heavy, flat kind that my grandmother made, which is kind of like a Christmas fruitcake (lots of candied fruit, flavored with coffee and spices), and I’ve made the light chiffon cakes in a tube pan. I just don’t like them. This year I’m going to make a flourless orange saffron cake from Serious Eats, with homemade mango-coconut sorbet. If the cake is good, I’ll keep it in mind for Passover as well.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I don’t have my grandmother’s recipe handy, I’m sorry. I think that Craig Claiborne had a similar one in his version of The New York Times Cookbook.

          If I were googling, I would look for recipes that call for strong coffee, dried fruit, spices in addition to cinnamon (allspice? mace?), and that you bake in a fairly low pan, not a tube pan. My grandmother baked hers in a rimmed baking sheet, I’m pretty sure, and cut it into squares. I think I’ve seen Christmas fruitcakes that are baked in small loaves and then sliced very thin, which you could do with this recipe also.

          I might also look for Eastern European names for it, like “Russian honey cake” or “Polish honey cake.”

          1. Not A Manager*

            I said dried fruit, but I meant candied fruit. And actually, I can’t really remember if her recipe had candied fruit in it or if I’ve conflated that with later honey cakes!

    5. LizB*

      I’m doing an Elul writing/journaling project run by Jordan Braunig out of Tufts Hillel. You sign up for the email list on a google form, and we get a new prompt via email every day (except on shabbos) and I’ve dedicated an empty notebook I had lying around to my responses. The prompts have all been wonderful! One of my faves so far:

      “If language is the measure of our lives, we ought to be awfully careful with how we use it. On this sixth day of Elul I invite you to write a mission statement for your speech in the coming year. What worlds do you want create through your language? What hurt do you hope to avoid?”

    6. OyHiOh*

      I’m outsourcing meals, lol. My community always does a erev Rosh Hashannah dinner, and a lunch about mid day on the first day. I’ve gotten a lot better about planning and doing over this summer but holiday meals are still a tough one for me to manage on my own.

      I look forward to the shared rituals of community.

  21. FD*

    Owie, I’m a giant knot this morning. I did my first strength training workout yesterday and my body is unenthusiastic about it. It aches in that ‘eff you I don’t wanna do this’ not in the ‘crap I actually did overdo it’ way, so it’ll pass but urgh.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      You have my sympathy. I changed up my workout the other day and I was feeling it yesterday. Just wait until tomorrow–DOMS is a thing! (delayed onset muscle soreness)

  22. Charlotte*

    People who blog: what is your preferred platform and why did you choose it?

    I’m not looking to do it professionally or generate income or anything like that, more like just a place to practice writing and save my work.

    1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I recommend Dreamwidth (dreamwidth.org). It’s a small company run by people who are absolutely dedicated to freedom of expression; you can write whatever you want to write. There are nuanced security levels: make a post public, make it visible to only certain people, or make it only visible to you. Everything is timestamped and can be tagged as meticulously as you want, and you can do full-text searches of your entire account, including non-public posts.

      If you want to make friends, it’s a social platform as well, with a lot of communities for different interests. getyourwordsout dot dreamwidth dot org is an amazing community of writers where you can get practical tips and trackers for your writing days and wordcount, as well as camaraderie and support. Once you know people, they can comment on posts of yours that they can see, but you have the power to screen or delete (though not edit) their comments.

      It’s just a great place. And basic accounts are free, though I think the features are worth paying for.

    3. Claire*

      +another for Dreamwidth

      If you don’t want the social element, you could also create a WordPress blog. There’s a free version, and you can make posts public or private.

    4. Queer Earthling*

      I use WordPress for my professional blog but that’s because my options are limited–my blog is adult in nature and many platforms don’t permit that, so I had to work with what was available to me. It does have some useful tools, though, and the free version isn’t bad.

      I’ve thought about Dreamwidth for casual projects and fandom stuff because it’s very similar to LiveJournal in the Days of Old, but I haven’t taken the plunge yet. Tumblr has also had that appeal (the potential community aspect anyway) but the atmosphere can be stressful at times. A lot of people do use it to write, though, and it’s very easy to find and save writing tips and stuff if that’s something that interests you.

      There are also websites where you can post stories and stuff if that’s more your thing. Does Fictionpress still exist? That was big back in the day. You can also do original writing on Archive of Our Own if you want, I’ve read some really good original fiction on there.

    5. Brazilian Hobbit*

      I have two blogs, one on WordPress and one on Blogger. The one on WordPress is my public one, and I love the themes, resources and there’s a pretty good community too. I use the free version, so can’t speak for the paid one, but it offers plenty of resources for hobby bloggers.

  23. Mini Zoo filled with Friendly Beasts*

    How are your foster beasts doing this weekend? I have one less litter as they went to another foster home, so now I have only one litter of kittens with their mama, and a couple adult cats who need to be socialized. The colony appears to be managed, as the rescue did a lot of spays and there haven’t been any newborns in the past 5 weeks.

    Sorry to those who commented a couple weeks ago and I didn’t respond. I was busy with the kittens, although I meant to reply, so here goes:
    university minion: I also much prefer bigger dogs, and love the feeling of training them so that they are better citizens, however I seem to get the ones that require 1.5-2+ hours of walking and training daily. In addition to everything else in life, I find it exhausting! So I love having them, and then love it when they are successfully adopted. Completely agreed on enjoying the training the most. I would be bored by a foster who arrived perfect, as I enjoy changing them and having a better, more adoptable dog at the end.

    CoffeeforLife and tangerineRose: I cheat a bit, as I have a small foster room where the little feline beasts hang out with their mama, which means that they get into minimal trouble. A mother cat and kittens is about the least work possible, other than needing to clean up more often than an adult cat, yet they entertain themselves and most of my ‘work’ is spent cuddling with them in order to ensure they are well socialized. I often have friends and family visit to help, so it’s quite enjoyable to have them.

    Elspeth Mcgillicuddy: Seven kittens! I have had that many, but only in two litters, so that poor mama cat must have worked hard! That is unusual, so it’s great you were able to care for them. There are so many kittens that need to be socialized and cared for until they are old enough for adoption, so it would be wonderful if you could take some in for a bit. I have neighbourhood kids come visit mine, and my oldest foster kittens (9 weeks old now) went to another foster home with kids a couple weeks ago and I have photo updates which show that everyone is loving it. I don’t find it too hard to give them up, although everyone is different. It was harder for me at the start, but I remind myself that each one I keep would be less lives saved in future, and most importantly… if I adopt them out then I get more kittens!!

    Sandra Dee: You have a heart of gold! I have had a few seniors, but luckily my community is willing to adopt even the oldest dogs. The rescue usually does compassionate placements, so they waive the fee once they find the right forever home. I did have one dog who might have stayed with me, as he had a huge tumour and it was cancerous (it didn’t feel good initially and was tested after surgery), yet the vet was able to cut it out with wide margins and that old dog found a loving forever home. I would have kept him until the end of life if the cancer had spread, but we were very lucky.

    Cats!: Agreed! I have spent some recent Sunday afternoons napping on the couch with kittens napping on me. I also take them to visit neighbours and the pet store, and encourage everyone I know to at least hold them briefly if they visit me. My bigger ones (9 weeks) went to another foster home recently, to a family that is used to rehabilitating semi-feral outdoor cats, and they were worried about socializing the kittens because the mother is very fearful. They soon realized that those kittens are permanently friendly, as they spent their first few weeks outdoors away from humans while their mama hid them, so I made an extra effort to expose them to the human world. If their capture had been delayed by a week or even a few days, I suspect (based on experience) that their friendliness with humans would have been noticeably worse, which shows the importance of fostering and working with them. The family is used to scared cats, so the kids are having such a great time playing with the little ones! Sounds like we are the same, as this is my fourth litter as well. I mentioned to the rescue that I wanted a bit of a break this year, and yet I couldn’t help myself. They have been doing a lot of colony work, and I am easily convinced to help when I know that the alternative is dying outside.

    1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Mama cat actually only had six nipples, so she was definitely working hard. She was a great mama. One of the reasons it was so fun was because how accepting she was of us from the very beginning. We did have to supplement some at the beginning, and sadly lost the eighth baby. Which is also a valuable learning experience for small children, but not a happy one. I’d love to do it again, but only when I’m at a point I can keep a pair of kittens.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Oh cool, haven’t seen your posts before. I had 2 cats, lost one earlier this year, and my remaining was lonely but unsure if she wanted another cat around. So I tried fostering. I’m fostering an older cat, he’s about 13 and has hyperthyroidism, a heart condition I don’t remember the name of, and some level of of kidney disease. I’ve had him for about 2.5 months now, and he’s gone from an emaciated 6 lbs 4 oz to a low normal weight, getting close to 8lbs. He periodically will cough, which is the heart, but otherwise is stable and pretty happy. He’s easy, is fully integrated into the house now. I will have him until he dies. My cat is ok with him around but they don’t interact much. They coexist peacefully in parallel.

      1. Blythe*

        So funny, since I foster medium-sized humans. My two kids (girl age 11, boy age 8) are doing just beautifully at the moment. Loving school, making friends, kind and compassionate. I’m super proud of my foster beasties ❤️

  24. Director of Alpaca Exams*

    Alison, would you consider tweaking the site design so new-to-the-viewer comments have some kind of text tag on them, like “[[new]]”, in addition to the colored bar? It would be so much faster to cmd-F my way down the page than to scroll through comments I’ve already read. (And might be more useful for people who use screen readers.)

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      Or a way to know if someone has replied to a comment without going into each thread to check? Like how Apartment Therapy does it?

  25. The Other Dawn*

    Here are pictures of the gym. Finally finished! All I need is a waste basket and possibly some blinds. Since I can’t figure out how to post the album from Imgur, I’ll post the picture links below. Unless someone knows how to do it?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Excuse the washed out color in a couple of them. My phone’s camera isn’t the best in when there are bright lights overhead. The floor is black and the walls are slightly more purple that what it looks like here.

      https://i.imgur.com/r4W2vjX.jpg
      https://i.imgur.com/QYqo9kd.jpg
      https://i.imgur.com/biMQH0u.jpg
      https://i.imgur.com/AD26Z4m.jpg

      And just because I’m a crazy cat lady, here’s Leia:
      https://i.imgur.com/K4RJ05q.jpg

      And this was happening in my driveway the other night. These two need a room! (Yes, that’s what they’re doing–I Googled it!)
      https://i.imgur.com/iXVHwuO.jpg

        1. valentine*

          Ooh! I would’ve thought it was a professional space. Both gym and kitty are so pretty!

          Are you fearless or did you zoom in on your insect neighbors?

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Well, they were quite focused so I was able to get close without zooming in. LOL. I didn’t know that’s what it was until I googled. I thought she was giving birth until my sister said they lay eggs. Didn’t know that!

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I am so impressed, your gym is awesome. I love the purple. I did some of my laundry room in a similar shade and I smile every time I walk out there.
        Leia is just a bunch of sweetness.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Thanks! I love how it turned out.

          I can never get a good picture of her. I have to wait until she’s half asleep or sleeping. She knows what a camera is and knows that a cell phone is also a camera!

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Hahaha thanks! Yes, he has quite the fabulous tail. He knows I love to touch it when he walks by, so he’s usually *just* out of my reach.

      3. NoLongerYoung*

        I’ve been waiting to see these – WOW – so cool!!! I’m really impressed by how nice it turned out and love the color and the space/layout. I started trying to make a room in the house but repurposed it into my home office so it’s not working for me -this is a great inspiration!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Thanks! My house is 280+ years old and there’s not a real basement, so a prefabricated shed was the best option.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Thanks! I tried five different purple paint samples and this was the overwhelming winner. This actually wasn’t my first pick, but I went with everyone else saying the others might be too dark–think royal purple. They were right; now that the ceiling fans are in, that other color would have made the room dark since the fans don’t give off as much light as I thought.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! It’s 12×24. I bought one of those prefabricated sheds so we just had to sheetrock, paint etc. We didn’t have to build it.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Well done! We’re in the early stages of planning to replace the decrepit metal shed that came with the house and it’s daunting. So I really appreciate all the work you guys did. There’s no “just” about it!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        If you’re looking for pre-fab, I got mine at Kloter Farms. Not cheap, but they’re always running a sale; you can pay to have them to level the area and drop the white stone pad (I think was about 800.00 for my site work; you can do your own site work if you want); they’re on time for delivery; the warranty is, I think, 10 years; and they look beautiful. Great customer service, too. Oh, and you don’t have to build it! They drop it and you toss you stuff in. Obviously I had a different plan with mine, though. :)

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          That’s who did our shed aour old house…they were super about working in&around the trees on our small suburban lot.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks everyone! I’m so happy with the way it came out. I guess getting a “see ya later” package when my former company got sold worked out well for me. :) It wouldn’t have been possible otherwise.

      I got my waste basket yesterday and stocked my little fridge with water. Now I just need some blinds, a “welcome” mat for inside to catch the dirt I track from the house to the shed; and a few hooks for things like my coat (in the winter), some tension bands I have, and my purple mat.

      I just have to say…I NEVER want to hang mirrors again! I bought seven frame-less vanity mirrors from Home Depot and hung them side by side–five on one wall and two behind the equipment. That was not fun trying to get them all level. After completely shattering one (kind of my own fault, actually) and breaking the corner off another, I finally decided to buy a couple piece of trim that had kind of a “ledge” on the back side. (That’s the white trim at the bottom. It’s holding the weight of the mirrors and keeping them level.) Well, because of the humidity with the shed being outside and all, the mirrors had already stuck themselves to the paint, so they peeled off a good chunk of paint when we pulled them down in order to add the trim and re-hang. Then there was the trip to urgent care for my husband when he cut himself on a piece of broken mirror.

  26. SugarCube*

    Curious how other 30somethings dating handle this…
    I’m 35 and female and kids are on my radar. Not this moment and not with the first guy who rocks up (believe me, 35 and childless took commitment to not getting pregnant!) but in general that’s where I’d like to see my life going. With the biological clock I don’t have years and years left, but am out there trying to date and enjoying the experience for the most part. However I do find there are lots of men who don’t ever want children, which is a choice I completely respect and I would never try to change their minds. But as a woman who doesn’t have forever (tick tock bio clock) I get disheartened by spending time dating, getting to know a guy etc. and then find out we’re on different paths with the children issue. On occasions I’ve raised it in general terms early on (’41 and no kids, wow that’s unusual these days….ahem’ etc.) it never goes down well, and there’s a low key terror that I’m some kind of seed thief who is just looking for a warm body! So for others (female and male) in my position, how do you navigate it?

    1. YetAnotherUsername*

      I’m probably unusual in this respect but I always used to ask on the first date. I’d say something like “do you see yourself settling down and having kids someday?” I would also always qualify it “don’t worry i’m not asking you to have a baby right now or anything insane like that, just wondering if that’s where you see your life going long term”. I would say the bit about “having a baby right now” in a comedy tone of voice to make it clear i was not in any way asking them to have a baby right away.

      I went on a lot of first dates in my late 20s and not a lot of second dates. I didn’t want to waste my time. I met my husband when I was 30.

      You’d be surprised how many men are NOT freaked out by the question. Lots of guys do want to have kids “some day” so as long as you make it clear that you don’t mean “right now” then they are perfectly willing to answer the question. If they are completely freaked out by the question then they probably don’t want kids anyway so you’ve just saved yourself a few weeks of wasted effort.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I think there is a lot to be said for this method: You aren’t leading up to the exact perfect moment to delicately enquire and learn that the two of you are not on the same page with goals.

        The workplace analogy would be that there are times in your life when, for the experience, you might consider a job with features you wouldn’t want long term (temporary, long hours, all at a desk or all out of doors, in Antarctica) and times when those are dealbreakers and you want to determine early in the interview process whether you should keep going. If the job must take place in Iowa, or can never take place in Iowa, and Iowa is a dealbreaker for you, you’re not required to give the job a chance and just enjoy living in the moment because cool people don’t get hung up on that stuff.

        Disclaimer that this is hypothetical to me (I married young) but anecdotally, the people taking the upfront, first date approach have seemed a lot happier.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        I think this the way to go, and I’d go a bit farther and qualify it with “in the next four or five years”. Because I find a lot of guys just don’t get the whole biological clock thing, and tend to be more leisurely about deciding, then in their late 30s decide that this is a good time to settle down and start a family. Then, of course, they only date women in their early 30s, because the women their own age aren’t fertile enough.

        And speaking as a woman who got married at 37, wanted kids, and didn’t beat the biological clock (in spite of multiple rounds of IVF), I’d stop for a moment and think now about how far you want to go to have kids. If you would consider being a single parent if you don’t meet someone in the next year or so, or be devastated if you didn’t manage to have kids, seriously consider freezing eggs right now as insurance, or mentally start making peace with the idea that you might not get kids after all.

      3. Mother of Cats*

        I definitely agree this approach although with a slight caveat. By the time I was 33 I found myself completely single but definitely wanting to be a mom. At that point in my life I decided that if I didn’t “find my husband” by 36 I would become a mom on my own. I had a good job and a supportive family so it wasn’t something that would be impossible logistically, ymmv. However when I was 34 I met a man and on our first date I told him I wanted to have kids. If that wasn’t his cup of tea no hard feelings. Wanting to do it on my own gave me the courage to be direct about what I wanted and not to try to put a square peg through a round hole by dating someone who wanted a different kind of life. 4 years later we’ve been married 2 1/2 years. We have a toddler and another baby on the way. I’m sharing this because sometimes things work out when we accept what we want and allow life to unfold in its own time, even if we wish things were on a different time table.

      4. CatMom*

        I am actually the opposite (for sure do NOT want kids) and when I was still actively dating with an eye toward commitment, I also always brought it up on the first date. I think it’s reasonable to be clear about these things at a certain point because you do have limited time!

    2. Kate R. Pillar*

      Do you use a dating platform? If yes, I definitely would mention it on your profile somewhere – you want the guys who do not see that in their future to self-select out anyway, no?
      That does not take care of those who do not read the profile, but it increases your chances.
      For me, it wasn’t kids, but something else that I definitely wanted to see in a partner. Having it in my profile also gave me the necessary opening to mention it early on.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Agreed! I did NOT want kids and really appreciated the ability to put it out there in black and white upfront. For sure some did not actually read it, but lots of them self-selected because of it.

    3. Quandong*

      I did a lot of dating in my mid and late 30s, all of it was online dating before the arrival of apps. My advice is to do whatever you can to screen and filter potential dates so you only meet people who want to have children.

      I filtered all potential dates by whether they wanted children or not since it was a priority for me. At first I would date people if they said they were undecided about children, but I changed my mind pretty quickly; not a single man who wrote ‘undecided’ wanted kids in the next decade, and that was outside my timeframe.

      I had a lot of feelings about the process of dating, knowing my own biological clock was winding down and that I wanted children in my life. I really felt a loss of agency and it was disheartening when I didn’t meet people I liked enough to even partner up with, let alone parent children with! Eventually I decided on an age when I wanted to start trying to conceive, whether or not I was partnered. I researched IVF and other assisted reproductive technologies. I also looked into adoption and foster care and the laws, processes, and costs involved where I live.

      If things had gone differently for me, I would probably be a single parent now. Unfortunately when I was about 38 I encountered medical issues & discovered I wasn’t able to have bio children. It’s more expensive for me to foster than I can afford, and there are other barriers I won’t list here that prevent me from adopting a child. So I don’t have children, and although it’s not what I had wanted it’s okay and I have come to terms with this different life.

      I highly recommend being more assertive when it comes to gathering information you need from your dates. The more you can screen and filter people so you only meet people who want children, the better. Everyone has dealbreakers, and things that are essential for a relationship. Don’t waste your time by waiting too long to raise the topic, and don’t worry about startling the dudes. If they can’t handle it, that’s not your fault!

      I also suggest working out your own timeline so you can say ‘I see myself having children around 202_’ as another step in the filtering process, so you aren’t dating a guy who needs another decade to be ready.

      If you’ve encountered many dudes who are super uncomfortable when you raise the topic, I’m sorry – it seems common, and it’s very irritating, given that having children is a thing that many people want.

      Good luck!

    4. MissDisplaced*

      Ooh… yeah… I do see how that might be a tad scary for some guys.
      I’m in the other camp of not wanting kids and met my husband when we were both about 35-36 years old. Neither one of us had ever been married, wanted kids or had kids from previous relationships. So I guess I met my similar and that was before dating apps.

      But I also have to think there ARE many guys in that age range who DO want to start families, or who possibly have kids from previous relationships and want to welcome more children.

      So, I think you just have to have that conversation about “wanting kids and a family” and that is what you’re looking for in a partner. I understand the dating apps like eHarmony have questions like that, so I suppose that helps more with the screening about feelings on family and kids.

    5. Dan*

      40 year old single guy, no kids, and unlikely that the later is going to change at this point in my life.

      So… I’m not surprised that you’re having trouble with the phrasing “’41 and no kids, wow that’s unusual these days….ahem’ etc.” It comes across as judgey, which isn’t really appropriate in the first month or two. At that point in dating, you’re trying to figure out whether or not you’re compatible with/like people for who they are right now. If it’s not the right fit, there’s no point in telling them why. Just say thanks and move on.

      That said, on a first date you can very much ask (me anyway) where I stand on the kids thing. I’ll tell you the truth: Don’t have them right now, and I don’t want them in the next two years. But I’m 40 and have been saying that for 20 years. In fact, *I* may even raise the question on the first date. Why? Same reason. I’m not dumb; the bio clock is a thing. If kids are important sooner rather than later, I’d just as soon get that out of the way so neither of us wastes time and/or gets frustrated.

      And how would I prefer someone to ask me about the kids things without it being awkward? A simple, “hey, where are you at with the whole kids thing?” is perfect phrasing for me, especially on a first date where you don’t know much about me. At this point, you aren’t aware that I have/don’t have kids. Or maybe I have them and the ex has primary custody, and I’m done with them at this point in life. Or maybe I don’t want them at all. Or maybe I just haven’t found the right person. Etc.

      1. SugarCube*

        No judgement intended! Culturally in my country it is pretty unusual to not do the marriage and babies thing (ahhh, organised religion). I have to say the lighthearted 41 and no kids etc thing usually goes down pretty well and is an open ended thing where they usually reply ‘oh yeah, kids aren’t for me’ or ‘just never met the right person’ etc whereas I’ve had less luck with direct questioning about their stance on kids (usually a wink or some other gesture that doesn’t really give anything away). If I press it beyond that it comes across as pushy or desperate I feel. I admire people who are clear in their choices and happy to talk about them but my experience of men my age/older here is that they get really scared by some gentle questioning, despite being clear I’m not looking to have a child tomorrow but down the line with the right guy I would hope to do so. Or they say ‘whoa that’s a date # 15 conversation!’ etc.

        1. Dan*

          “Culturally in my country”

          Well… with this phrasing, I’m guessing than you’re not in the USA. (I’ve *never* heard a native-born American use the phrase “in my country” amongst a group of predominantly native American born people.)

          To which I can only say that the advice I can give you on dating and cultural norms is US-centric and probably not helpful to you :(

        3. YetAnotherUsername*

          Oh I didn’t realize you’d already tried the direct approach and it hasn’t worked.

          Just a wink or gesture in response to a direct question in any country I’ve lived in or dated in (US, Ireland, UK, Germany) would be considered incredibly rude and dismissive and I wouldn’t even consider taking a relationship beyond the first date stage if that was their response. So I think there are probably some very different cultural norms in your country. So sadly it seems like Dan is right and most of our advice here is not going to help.

          FYI “41 and no kids?” does sound a little judgy to me too, and I think would be considered as such in US, Ireland, UK too. The only countries I know of where that wouldn’t be considered judgy are countries with really direct attitudes like Germany, Nordic countries etc, or in countries where kids outside of marriage are considered quite the big deal like India.

          You might have better luck if you repost the question next week and include the specific country / culture. Or perhaps try a message board specific to your country.

        4. Parenthetically*

          “they get really scared by some gentle questioning, despite being clear I’m not looking to have a child tomorrow but down the line with the right guy I would hope to do so. Or they say ‘whoa that’s a date # 15 conversation!’ etc.”

          This is a… ridiculous response. Grown adult men are “really scared” by gentle questioning? Genuinely putting my vote in that men who respond like that are not the kind of men you want to be dating.

      2. Washi*

        Sometimes I’m jealous that men get a practically infinite window to decide whether or not they want biological kids. To be honest, at first when I read that you’ve been saying you don’t want kids in the next two years for the past 20 years, I was a little judgey of your waffling, but then I was like…he doesn’t have to decide! And I wish I had that ability.

        1. Dan*

          Technically it’s not waffling because I’ve never actually said I wanted them :D

          But I should clarify the “I’ve been saying to myself for 20 years” part… I’ve been saying that to *myself* for 20 years. To others, I don’t lie about it or otherwise mislead people. With a new prospective partner, the answer is “not within the next two years”. If the subject isn’t dropped, I let people know that if “ASAP” is what they’re looking for, we’re not on the same page.

          You’re right though, us guys don’t really have to decide. TBH, I don’t think much differently about kids at 40 then 30, or even 20. My biggest “kid” concerns are financial… and no surprise, the older we get, the better the financial picture looks.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Well, just to add my two cents: “Not within the next two years (but I haven’t changed my mind in 20 years)” IS really misleading, IMO, if you don’t say the part in parentheses aloud. It’s asking a lot of people with a limited window of fertility to wait two years to see if you’re going to think differently then than you have for two decades, especially if you’re dating women who are near you in age and already at the tail end of their fertile years. Better to say “I’ve never found myself wanting children since I started thinking about it twenty years ago, and I absolutely do not see myself having or wanting children in the near future.”

            1. Clever Name*

              Yeah, I agree. I’m 40 and hoping for more, and if I were on a date with a man, I’m not sure how I’d take that response. I mean, I think most people who date aren’t thinking “need a baby nowwww” and have an “in a few years” timeframe, because that’s what’s practical seeing as most people want to be in a relationship for a while before they decide to marry someone.

            2. Washi*

              Yeah, that’s kind of what I meant. To me “not in the next two years, which I’ve been saying for 20 years” sounds like a long way of saying “almost certainly no.”

        2. Agnodike*

          Yes and no, though, right? People who make sperm can *create* a child until literally after they’re dead, but *parenting* a child is a whole other issue. If you’re 75 and you have a toddler, you’re probably not doing a ton of active parenting, and when that kid is 16, you’re statistically unlikely to be doing any parenting at all. The window is definitely larger if you’re not the person with the uterus/ovaries, but the fact that our culture considers it basically limitless says a lot about what we expect, parenting-wise, from men vs. from women.

          1. YetAnotherUsername*

            Also the research is starting to show that men DO have a biological clock. Regardless of the age of the woman, babies whose fathers are over 40 have a higher risk of miscarriage and disability.

    6. Parenthetically*

      I think this is just a baseline compatibility issue, and I think you can frame it in that way very early on. “Hey, the whole kids/no kids thing can be a real dealbreaker in relationships no matter where you land, so in the interest of full disclosure of those kinds of things, what are your thoughts about having kids someday?” IMO any dude who gets freaked out by that question in that kind of framing is… paranoid and not worth spending time with. My husband has always wanted kids and raised the issue with me fairly early — our mindset with dating was that we were both adults, we both knew what was at stake, we both were only interested in finding a long-term relationship, so what’s the point of pussyfooting around those big questions? I hate the pressure to play the “Cool Girl” game and pretend not to have opinions on things until you’re already serious. Up-front transparency prevents time-wasting.

      Also, if you’re on dating websites, put in your profile that you’d like to have kids someday, and/or that you aren’t interested in meeting up with people who dislike children.

    7. JDC*

      I just said to early on. The ones who had no interest in kids were gone quick and the ones who wanted them I gave it a shot. I had no patience for playing the dont. bring it up too soon game. If they bailed then good.

    8. Clever Name*

      I got divorced in my late 30s and knew I wanted more kids (I have 1 child). Like many people in my position, I turned to online dating. On my okcupid profile I checked the “want more kids” option. I mentioned I had a child on my bumble profile. Honestly, it’s difficult to screen for this thing without feeling super awkward if you bring it up early. I don’t think I dated a single guy who said he didn’t want kids, but one of my friends (childless and in her mid-40s) dated multiple guys who don’t want kids. With some guys I dated, the topic came up on the first date. With my boyfriend, I asked if he hoped to have kids someday after we had been dating for about a month. There’s no right answer, but I do think that there’s nothing wrong with ending things with a guy when you realize you aren’t on the same page with regards to having kids.

    9. Courageous cat*

      Bumble has a lot of little settings you can choose like “doesn’t want kids” or “definitely wants kids” and you can filter for potential matches by that.

    10. Gaia*

      As someone on the opposite side of this (34, no kids, never want kids) I talk about it early and I make my stance clear and I make sure I understand their stance. For me, someone who “maybe” or “might” want kids gets a bigger conversation about how I really don’t want them, I’m not going to change my mind and if they think they might settle on “want,” I’m the wrong girl for them.

      It can be awkward. It will admittedly probably be harder for you because you’re saying you *do* want them and some guys might think that means you’re saying you want them now and with him (even though you make it clear you’re not saying that). But it will be helpful to weed out the folks that aren’t taking their life in that direction.

      I believe you can just enjoy the time together if you don’t align on a lot of issues. Not everything has to be a right-now deal breaker even if it would be a long term deal breaker. For me, kids isn’t one of those issues. If he wants kids, I full stop, no exceptions. I do that for both of us because neither of us should be pressured to change our stance just because we develop a relationship over time.

  27. YetAnotherUsername*

    I’m probably unusual in this respect but I always used to ask on the first date. I’d say something like “do you see yourself settling down and having kids someday?” I would also always qualify it “don’t worry i’m not asking you to have a baby right now or anything insane like that, just wondering if that’s where you see your life going long term”. I would say the bit about “having a baby right now” in a comedy tone of voice to make it clear i was not in any way asking them to have a baby right away.

    I went on a lot of first dates in my late 20s and not a lot of second dates. I didn’t want to waste my time. I met my husband when I was 30.

    You’d be surprised how many men are NOT freaked out by the question. Lots of guys do want to have kids “some day” so as long as you make it clear that you don’t mean “right now” then they are perfectly willing to answer the question. If they are completely freaked out by the question then they probably don’t want kids anyway so you’ve just saved yourself a few weeks of wasted effort.

    1. bassclefchick*

      I think that’s a GREAT question. Having/not having kids is a BIG deal. If one of you wants them and the other doesn’t, it will never work. I have absolutely never wanted children. When I was in my 20s, a coworker who had just had a baby tell me when I meet the right guy I’d change my mind. Uh, no. When I meet the right guy, he’ll agree with me and we won’t have kids. Took until 43, but I found the right guy, and we don’t have kids.

  28. massage tipping?*

    I’m getting a massage later, and I was wondering if I should tip the massage therapist? it’s the first time I’m seeing this person. And how much?

    1. Lilith*

      I probably under tip but I go frequently to the same person. I give her $10 on a $60 massage but sometimes I til $20 cuz that’s what I have & I give $100 at xmas. But I think I should be tipping at least $15.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      This depends. I have had this conversation before with a massage therapist. Massage therapist who works for big corporation (they don’t usually get paid that much), or one who works in a hair salon/spa – probably 15%ish.
      One that is in a doctor’s office – no. One who is independent – maybe (I know that doesn’t help). I don’t tip doctors, so I feel like massage therapists that emphasize the medical aspects of their practice should not be tipped. I wish they would all just charge a fee and put up a sign that says “no tipping .”

      1. ..Kat..*

        My massage therapist is out of a medical office and charges less than most other places. And does a better job of alleviating my pain.

        When I am on a vacation and have a spa massage, I tip 20%.

        So, I tip my regular massage therapist out of my medical office 20%. Why should he receive less just because he works out of a medical office? He does great work!

    4. Llama Face!*

      I tip mine $10 per appointment (massage is in the high $60s). My RMT works out of a spa and doesn’t get a very generous hourly wage afaik.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I tip 20%.

      My regular person just opened her own practice and is explicitly not accepting tips, which I much prefer–straightforward pricing. But most places it’s an employee, not the owner, and tips are expected. (And when it’s the owner, unless they have been upfront that the practice is no tipping I offer.)

    6. Samwise*

      Yes, tip. I tip 10 – 15 % if it was just ok, 20% if it was fabulous or if it is someone I have specifically requested.

  29. Dame Judi Brunch*

    A dear friend’s husband had a devastating, life-altering accident this week.
    You always hear “life is short”. It’s cliche but true. You never know what the next day will bring.

    2. The Meow*

      That’s so true. My mother has lost half her immediate family in multiple separate, totally unexpected accidents. Sometimes I think surely we are safe now because we must have used up all the bad luck in our family. But of course that’s just wishful thinking; none of us are guaranteed long and healthy lives.

      This is why my husband and I have had our wills done in our mid 20s and have already had conversations around end of life wishes. We also pay a lot for insurance to ensure our kids will be financially secure in case of early death. It’s morbid, but I would rather be fully prepared.

      1. Dame Judi Brunch*

        The Meow, I’m so sorry for what your family has suffered.
        You bring up an excellent point about being prepared. I’m using this as a wake up call to check on insurance, etc.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My sympathies to the both of you.

          In regard to preparing, I would like to add that some preparation is better than none. Some folks don’t start because they think they will not finish. Of the two, starting a plan is more important than it is to finish planning. At least if you start a plan you have something/anything in place that you can begin to work with should there be a sudden event of any type. Not all planning costs money. For example, a person might find a good friend who would agree to take loving care of their pet, should they no longer be able to do that.
          All these small decisions add up.

          1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

            So very true.

            I think there’s a saying along the lines of “if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth half-assing”, which is the same principle: don’t avoid a task just because you can’t complete/perfect it. A basic Will (properly witnessed) is better than intestacy. A half-cleared basement is better than a total dumping ground.

    3. Kiwiii*

      I’m coming into this late, but I love to skim down the Saturday thread on Mondays and this really — resonates.

      A couple years ago, at 24, my boyfriend was in a motorcycle accident and broke his neck. He was incredibly, incredibly lucky in that 1) he was with family who got him to the hospital after it became clear that it wasn’t something he could just walk off, 2) he didn’t hit his spinal cord at all and most mobility issues he had after about 3 months were from injuries to his leg rather than back, and 3) he had really really wonderful insurance and we ended up paying something like <5% of his horrendous medical bills. But it still completely changed our lives, our relationship, and the plans that we'd had of what our next couple years would look like.

  30. Shiny alolan raichu*

    Two of my friends are going on holidays with their families this week (mum dad and 2/3 kids). My family consists of just me and the kid. I’m one of three and I never imagined having only one child but here I am. Any advice on how I can see my family as Enough even though it’s just the two of us?

    (Fwiw I have kittens and that helps when Kid is with his dad but I couldn’t exactly take them on holiday. I’m also feeling rather friendless but that’s probably fit another day)

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      Idk, I am long term, successfully married and have just one. We had fertility issues and it was pretty lucky we managed one. But despite marriage and baby (so we are 3) I was not done with pregnancy and it can still make me sad that we had only one, just not as often or as deeply now.

      I think, fake it till you make it. And focus on the good things. But also give yourself permission to mourn your expectations.

      You are a family!

      1. Shiny alolan raichu*

        Successfully married? Ouch! I presume you didn’t mean that I’m a failure because I’m divorced?!

        1. ampersand*

          I’m not the person who originally replied to you but I wanted to say that you’re absolutely not a failure for being divorced. :) lots of us are divorced and that’s okay! Some of us have been divorced twice because life happens. At the risk of sounding entirely too cheesy: you’re lovely just the way you are.

        2. Thankful for AAM*

          No! Sorry, I did not mean that at all! I meant it does not matter if you can look like a family to others, spouse, kid etc, you might not feel like a complete family. You mentioned mum and dad and kids so I was saying that I have a family with a mum and dad and a kid and people don’t get why I can sometimes still feel my family is incomplete (and I was saying it was not bc I am unhappy in my marriage, I just did not have as many kids as I wanted).

          1. Shiny alolan raichu*

            Oh I get that. Even before I left my ex my family never felt complete. We’d agreed to have two kids but my ex changed his mind – but refused to talk about it so I was left dealing with the grief of the baby I lost but also the grief of wanting to try for more and not having that option. And now I’m left with sometimes being a family of one mum one kid, and sometimes just being me, on my own. It f’ing sucks.

    2. TimeTravelR*

      Maybe focus on how much easier it is to satisfy just one kid’s idea of fun (even though that’s still not always easy!)? Or allow them to take along a friend, if that would be helpful and also in your budget?

      1. Shiny alolan raichu*

        Ha, I can’t even amuse him.
        Taking along a friend might be an idea. I’ll have a think about that. Thank you.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          My kids really loved going on trips with their friends, and when we brought a friend they usually occupied each other. Highly recommend.

          1. valentine*

            Logistically, two people is a dream. You have a great chance of both getting what you want, especially when you’re in charge!

            I would make a point to join tour groups when he’s with his dad and do other stuff that’s harder with a kid and easier alone than with anyone not thrilled to be there.

    3. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I had an only child as an only parent. Always figured I’d connect up with another parent and make a bigger family that way. Have ended up with what I started with.
      I try to live my life as if I don’t need to apologize for or feel bad about doing the best I could with what I had at the time. Even if I was hoping for something else.

      A compact family is awesome too. A smaller financial footprint means less outside pressure. You can make tradition that breaks more rules because it’s just the two of you.
      You can also find ways to open your family to others by including “strays” in activities and holidays. A feast of smaller units is almost always more festive and interesting than having the same conversation with the same people every year.

      Embrace it!

    4. The Meow*

      One of my friends experienced secondary infertility. She said the hardest thing (besides not getting pregnant) was constantly dealing with comments like, “Oh but you already have little Peter! You are so lucky. Be grateful you have a child and stop thinking about what you don’t have.”

      While I haven’t experienced this issue, I can see why that would be incredibly hurtful and dismissive. I think it’s okay and in fact necessary to grieve over a loss of what you expected/hoped for, whatever that may be. Give yourself time, allow yourself to feel sad, talk to others in similar circumstances. This sounds super cheesy, but basic validation of your negative feelings goes a long way in the healing process.

      1. Shiny alolan raichu*

        That’s actually really interesting. I had a 16 week miscarriage before I had Kid and I’ve done a lot of work to heal from that and the resulting PTSD around pregnancy and babies, and also the end of my marriage and some family of origin stuff, but not around not having the family I imagined.

        There’s always more work to do :-| I just want to be healed from all the shit already!

        1. The Meow*

          Shit, that’s rough. I’m so sorry about your loss.

          I am coming out of some heavy depression and one thing I learned from that episode was to embrace all the negative feelings and mental health problems. It really helped just telling myself “I feel horrible this week and I’m going to allow myself to experience all this overwhelming sadness.” I stayed in bed and let myself rest in the same way I would go through a physical illness or recover from a broken leg.

          One good analogy I heard was that when we have the flu, we don’t go to work and pretend we are not ill. We stay in bed, take necessary meds, drink lots of fluids, and allow our body to experience the sickness so that we can recover. So when we have depression, anxiety, PTSD, whatever, it’s important to allow healing to take place rather than marching on with our lives as though nothing is happening in our brains.

          I don’t know if you have allowed yourself proper time to grieve your loss – both the miscarriage and your hope/expectation of having a larger family. And whatever else that’s behind “all the shit” as you describe. Also worth talking to a therapist. Even a couple of sessions can go a long way in giving a different perspective.

          1. Shiny alolan raichu*

            I can’t reply to all this without splurging everything out and right now I don’t feel up to that. So I’ll just say thank you, so very much, I feel very seen and understood right now.

            I have a week off coming up and I will do my best to care for and nourish myself. I don’t have the gut-level freaked-out reaction to the concept of “self care” that I used to, so I’ll even try to do some of that. Wish me luck.

            1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

              Definitely do the self care. Take yourself on your own private vacation even if it’s just in your neighborhood. Read a new or a favorite book. Be a friend to yourself.
              Self vacations are great because you don’t have to please anyone else because you are fretting about how much they enjoy their vacation. You just get to be you.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              I wish you much, much luck.

              Please read up on grief. There are many good books out there about grief. Please pick one (not ten as you actually want to read the book) and learn about the grief process, what it looks like, how it plays out. You have numerous things that are cause for grief here, serious things. Yeah, it’s a bfd.

              Here’s something that might be good to know. We have tears for a reason. Tears cause a chemical reaction in the brain that help the brain to stay healthy. I have marveled how a good hard cry today causes me to have a better day tomorrow. It’s amazing to watch this. However, some people prefer to just let a few tears leak out once in a while. This is okay, too, as even other people just get little pangs in their hearts. We all “cry” differently and in different ways for different situations.

              Typically most people feel that pang or start to tear up and they tell themselves, NO STOP! Actually what we should be telling ourselves are confirmations, “Yes, this IS sad. Yes, I do feel sad.” It sounds like statements of the obvious but it’s important that we acknowledge and validate our own feelings. Telling ourselves to stop can make us cry harder and longer and drain our energy to nothing.

              It’s pretty normal to lose “touch” with our bodies during periods of grief. You can create a little rough outline of a schedule for yourself to eat modest meals and hydrate regularly. See, grief pulls nutrition out of our bodies at a high clip. When my husband passed, I did not care if I ate at all. So since I did not care, I decided to eat as many veggies as possible, knowing eventually the high veggie intake would help my body and in turn help my mind. If you have a good blender you might find it easiest just to drink your veggies.

              With sleep, this can go either way. Some people in grief cannot sleep and some cannot stay awake. You might find that a scheduled time for rest each day is oddly consoling. Call it your time out from everything where you just focus on winding down for the day.

              I wish you the best, I hope something wonderful happens for you very soon.

        2. YetAnotherUsername*

          I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a 8-9w MC and an 5w MC and while it is incredibly difficult at any stage, for me personally it was very hard holding my dead child in my hand and seeing her face and her eye. it was much harder than the 5w where i couldn’t see the actual baby. I’ve met a few people through Mc support groups who’ve had ~ 16w mcs and they all have had pretty bad trauma. I’m not surprised you have ptsd, I get flashbacks to holding my dead baby all the time.

          I’m glad you are having counseling and I’m so sorry for your loss x

          1. Shiny alolan raichu*

            Thank you so much. Trauma is absolutely the word. It was the most horrific experience of my life. My biggest anguish is that I didn’t look at or hold the baby. I was too scared and I wasn’t offered the opportunity again. I’m so sad right now. I hate that other people understand and have also been through it but it’s so reassuring. Thank you.

    5. Book Lover*

      On the one hand, I can tell you parenting a single child as a single mother was so much easier. On the other hand, I don’t regret my second (who makes my life infinitely harder) – and not having the family you dreamed of is so hard. So I would say grieve when you need to, but take advantage, as best as possible, of the things you can do when child is not with you and enjoy the closeness of having one to focus on.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Speaking as an Only, your kid thinks that you are not just enough, you are EVERYTHING.
      Sometimes considering the perspective of another person, albeit “a little person”, might offer a bit of relief?

    7. Samwise*

      I have just one kid, grew up in a family with many sibs, always thought I’d have more but we started late and the one kid was a good un and I wanted to go back to working full time and so on. As it turned out, the one kid years of chemo off and on — which was a lot easier with just one kid. I could focus on The One Kid and not have to worry about not giving enough attention to other kids. Having just one made it easier to travel, obviously it’s less expensive, and we were able to save a lot more than we otherwise would have been able to for kid’s college and for our retirement.
      Of course, now that The One Kid is off at college we’re empty-nesting, which is nice in many ways but I sure miss that Kid!

    8. lasslisa*

      There’s probably a reason why your mind is telling you the friendless feeling is related. Even if you had more kids you could still have the feeling in your heart saying “not enough, not enough”.

      There are things in our lives that happen beyond our control, and it’s important to grieve those things, but also to know that you are reacting and continuing to live your life in a way that makes you proud. What would you want to do differently, what can you do differently, to bring that feeling into focus instead?

  31. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Nothing for me this week, as I was on a trip and our days were pretty packed. But I’m ITCHING to get some writing done.

    1. Claire*

      I am making slow but steady progress through #pirates2. I still had one rather critical blank in the plot, but after a brainstorming session with spouse, that’s now all worked out. Mostly.

      Oh, and I’ve also prepped for my panel at New York Comicon in…two weeks. (Eeep!) I’ll be signing stock at the Harper Collins booth, plus the panel, plus an autographing session immediately after. Hope to see you all there!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I started trying to work on a treatment. It’s HARD. I don’t think I’ll finish in time to get it registered and submit it to the development program I saw, but that’s okay; I’m learning how to do something new and valuable.

      A friend also told me I should submit my book to PitchWars, but I imagine it will be full of agents who’ve already rejected it because I already queried half the universe. *sigh*

      1. Not a cat*

        You never know. Please submit it anyway. Over the past few years, I’ve learned that putting energy into something positive eventually pays off. It might not be exactly how you want, but something good will happen.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          If I had a dollar for every time someone said ‘something good will happen’ and nothing happened, I could buy one of those luxury homes I see in the LA paper every weekend. :P

        2. Claire*

          But putting energy into a book that’s been widely queried often leads to more frustration. However! @Elizabeth, have you checked out Querytracker? There might be new agents who are looking for books like yours. You could either contact them individually, or if they’re participating in Pitchwars, you could go ahead and submit, knowing they’ll see your pitch.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yes, I know Querytracker and AgentQuery, Absolute Write Water Cooler (I have to check people out on that now that Preditors and Editors is defunct–waaaah!), Manuscript Wish List, etc. I probably will do it, but #ImTired

            I did submit to a small press recently; my book has most of the stuff the head honcho’s bio said she likes. Haven’t heard anything yet, tho.

            1. Claire*

              *hugs* I totally understand being #Tired.

              If you want, let me know via email the name of that small publisher. I might have info on them and their response times.

              1. Elizabeth West*

                Their site said 12-16 weeks; it’s only been a couple so far.
                *hugs back* I appreciate your encouragement. :)

    3. OyHiOh*

      Did a complete first draft one act play last weekend.

      This weekend is working on a script I submitted for a fellowship a couple months ago. If I beat the odds and actually get the fellowship (last year there were 200 submissions for 4 spots!) I’d like to at least have a clear sense of what this play is and where it’s going (we only had to submit a 10 page sample, ideally *the first* 10 pages). At this point, I’ve got the first act mapped out. I know where the 2nd act is going to end. Have no idea at all how I’m going to fill the forty pages between intermission and the end game.

    4. Hazy days*

      Continuing to be really fruitful, thank you! A mixture of editing previous poems, and writing some new pieces, including trying out a fresh new approach.

  32. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    For me, just a tiny bit of Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones (nothing story relevant, just a quick skirmish or a round in the Tower of Valni on the bus) but nothing else. Probably finishing Child of Light this weekend or next weekend at the latest though.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      By the way, did anyone get the Switch Lite? And if so, what did you think of it?
      I’ve seen one guy do a teardown of it, and it seems they’ve redesigned the shoulder buttons (using more or less the same tech as in gameboys instead of the microswitches the original has). Seems like they’ve redesigned the analog sticks as well, guess time will tell if they’re prone to drifting as well. .

      1. Merci Dee*

        Got the Switch Lite for my daughter’s birthday this month, and it arrived in the mail today. She’s been glued to Splatoon 2 for the past several hours, and we purchased a year’s subscription to Nintendo Online so she could play something other than single player mode. She’s having a blast, and she’s been rocking it since she’s been a long-time player of Splatoon on her Wii U. Too soon to tell if there are going to be problems with the unit itself, but she’s loving it so far. Especially since I ordered the turquoise, and that’s her favorite color. :)

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’ve started playing Fire Emblem: Three Houses. It’s the first FE game I’ve ever played (well, except for a bit of Fire Emblem Warriors, but that’s definitely not a traditional FE game). I only picked it up because I watched my husband play a lot of it, and got kind of invested in the story. I saw a lot of the gameplay from his perspective, saw the house he picked and the choices he made, and wanted to try it out because it was really interesting. He chose the Black Eagle house, so I decided to go with a different house. Initially I thought I was going to go with Golden Deer, but I actually dislike most of the characters in that house, so I went Blue Lions. Because I’m not used to, or even really comfortable with, turn-based strategy battles, I’m playing on Normal difficulty and Casual mode. I like the ability to grind XP, and I like that if one of my characters does fall in battle they aren’t gone permanently. If you like games with a deep story and interesting characters FE: Three Houses is great. It can be a bit overwhelming at first, but looking up strategy guides can be very helpful.

    3. Nynaeve*

      I’ve been playing Bear With Me, this cute noir detective story about a 10-year-old girl and a wisecracking teddy bear investigating the disappearance of her brother. I’m not a huge gamer, but it’s been a fun distraction while I recover from wisdom tooth surgery.

    4. LQ*

      I know I’m WAY behind on this, but I’m playing Breath of the Wild and I’m surprised at how lovely it is. This is the game I didn’t know I wanted but am loving. I’m absolutely just exploring the world and delighted when I find a shrine or a little solvable puzzle that doesn’t require trying every single possible iteration of everything, but is fairly straight forward and a little tiny delight to get the seed things I’m enjoying how little I have to look up to solve things. I’m enjoying that the game has NO sense of urgency to it at all. I’m enjoying that it’s lovely and because I have no rhyme or reason to how I’m playing I continually end up discovering new little spots. It’s a huge world.

      1. Angwyshaunce*

        Truly is an amazing game. There have been times I’ve put it on just to wander around, not even trying to accomplish anything.

  33. Goose Lavel*

    I don’t understand all the hubbub about e-cigs in the news lately. My son used them to quit smoking by gradually tapering using lower nicotine pods and hasn’t smoked in over 3 years.

    There are many things that people choose to do that are unhealthy and these topics have been discussed here before.
    A ban by the Government and states is getting in the way of personal choice as far as I’m concerned and seems very premature.

    1. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Your son used them as a tool to quit smoking, but the perception is that the tobacco companies are using them as a tool to get young people hooked for life and expand into regular cigarette use. It’s an issue of public health, which is why the government is stepping in.

      1. Asenath*

        The use of e-digs is claimed to be an issue of public health, when they appear to be merely another gadget that can be used for either personal pleasure, or as a tool to quit smoking tobacco. And I’m not at all convinced of the claim that their introduction is a plot by tobacco companies to make people smoke tobacco – that’s not the way they’re sold or used, and the whole Secret Plot sounds a lot like yet another conspiracy theory to me. I’ve got a long, long list of things I’d rather my government spends on that I think are of real value. I don’t want them spending on this.

        1. Maya Elena*

          It would seem that the tobacco companies are the ones that stand to gain from the restriction on vaping….

        2. fposte*

          The government(s) has stepped in on cigarettes, though. It hasn’t made them completely illegal, but e-cigs haven’t been made completely illegal either.

          Cigarettes have been around for a long time; if they had been brought in as new now they’d be restricted a lot more than they are. We’re less likely to throw up our hands and say “ah, who cares?” about a new product these days.

          1. Goose Lavel*

            Please site your source about government stepping in on cigarettes with concerns regarding Public Health.

            1. fposte*

              You’re my age; don’t you remember when the feds banned cigarette advertising? Every package of cigarettes contains a mandated health warning from the Surgeon General of the United States. Minors can’t legally purchase them. 26 states ban cigarette smoking indoors. Higher tobacco taxes are explicitly created to reduce the demand for cigarettes.

              I think you’re narrowly constituting government action as a ban on the sale of a product, when the reality is governments take all kinds of actions to “step in” on use.

              1. Goose Lavel*

                None of it prevents smoking as you suggested. It’s more inconvenient and expensive to smoke cigarettes today than it was in the past.

                I think if we were really concerned about public health, cigarettes would be regulated by the FDA as medical devices that deliver nicotine. This will never be done because of the money to be made by addicting people to a product and then treating their lung cancer and milking their Estates dry.

                1. fposte*

                  Nothing will totally prevent people from smoking. Nothing totally prevents people from doing heroin, after all. But look at the direction the rates are going on those two substances–smoking, the legal activity, is going down and heroin, the illegal one, is going up. Making something illegal isn’t a magic way to shut it down.

                  No argument that money and power are involved in the legal status of substances of all kinds. But they’re not the only thing that’s involved, and every substance has a different cultural place. I hate smoking and I wish nobody would smoke, but I’d be unlikely to support making smoking completely illegal, either; I don’t think it would improve the country’s welfare in the way we’d hope.

                2. Dan*

                  Very little that we can do in the USA “prevents” anything, no matter what the subject. Laws and policies in the US discourage or reduce the risk of things, but very little prevents anything. I mean, we have laws against murder, but we can’t actually prevent people from murdering anybody. We can criminalize gun ownership, but we cannot prevent people from physically possessing a gun if they are willing to break the law.

                  We certainly discourage the use of tobacco and alcohol by age restricting them. But that certainly doesn’t prevent the use.

          2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

            Also, we tried banning alcohol, and Prohibition didn’t actually stop people drinking and did lead to the rise of the Mob. I would expect a similar effect from banning cigarettes. People are addicted to those things. They aren’t going to stop smoking just because it becomes illegal. And that’s a LOT of money to funnel into criminal activity.

        3. Oldster*

          Because it’s easier to attack/regulate/limit something that is new. Guns, tobacco and liquor and an established part of our culture so harder to change. Think of ATMs. They save financial institutions money because you don’t need a teller. But you get charged to use one because it was a lot easier to add a charge then to charge you for entering the bank and dealing with a real person.

        4. Angwyshaunce*

          “If it is an issue of public health, then why hasn’t the government stepped in on cigarettes?”

          Lobbyists. Federal politicians have gone to the highest bidders for a very long time.

    2. Nicki Name*

      In addition to the flavored pods thing, there was a perception that they were much healthier than cigarettes, and now you have people abruptly dropping dead from some unknown factor linked to them.

      1. Goose Lavel*

        Sounds similar to people dropping dead from smoking cigarettes. Relative was was healthy and then died one month with later stage 4 lung cancer.

        1. Nicki Name*

          The difference being that your relative had probably been hearing about the cigarette-cancer connection for a long, long time.

          It’s great that your son was able to quit smoking. But there are a lot of people who have been approaching vaping as a way to keep using nicotine forever without thinking about health problems, rather than as a stepping stone to quitting.

          1. Goose Lavel*

            Once you become addicted to nicotine, most stay addicted for life. Nicotine is harder to quit than alcohol, heroin, meth or caffine.

            People who believe nicotine is healthy to ingest are only fooling themselves. They know that any addition to any substance has health consequences.

        2. Dan*

          I’m curious about this. Are you saying your relative spontaneously developed and died from Stage 4 lung cancer within a month?

          FWIW, “asymptomatic” is not synonymous for “healthy.”

          1. Goose Lavel*

            I’m saying they felt fine, had lingering cough, went to the doctor and then they died 1 month post cancer diagnoses. They were being treated for the cancer as they wanted to extend their life as long as possible. I think they may have lived a better last month without treatment as the chemo was hellish.

            Cancer can spread quickly while you feel ok. Look at Alex Tribek.

    3. Ethyl*

      The most recent episode of the podcast Sawbones is about vaping and the current health crisis surrounding it. They do a pretty nuanced take.

      The big issue is that people are dying alarmingly fast of some kind of lung disease which seems linked to vaping only nobody is sure how. Seriously, this illness is terrifying. It comes on fast, develops fast, and nothing works reliably to fix it. It isn’t related to geography or the type of vape juice used — there’s at least one case where the person wasn’t even using a nicotine vape, just a flavored liquid. In this instance it seems wise to do something until we know what is going on, like how there are travel restrictions during outbreaks of disease or trade and import restrictions on the import of meats from places with BSE outbreaks.

      1. Goose Lavel*

        Well we certainly know what’s going on with regards to cigarettes, but we do nothing to prevent people from smoking cigarettes and I think people should have a choice if they want to vape. Outlawing vaping seems very premature.

        1. fposte*

          We do lots to prevent people from smoking cigarettes, though–we restrict age access, we put warnings on all material involved with them, we forbid smoking in many locations, and we add high taxes. The smoking rate has been steadily falling.

          So far no government entity has outlawed vaping, either. They’ve just subjected it to similar restrictions.

          1. Goose Lavel*

            What you list do not prevent people from smoking, they just increase cost and inconvenience.
            Check your self regarding bans; E-cigs have been banned in India and there is proposed in Congress to ban ecigarettes in the US.

            1. fposte*

              I suppose you could say technically those actions don’t prevent people from smoking, but making marijuana illegal didn’t prevent people from smoking pot, either. Those are a collection of governmental interventions that have resulted in a plummeting smoking rate in the U.S., and they’ve probably been more effective, given history, than an outright ban would be.

              You’re right I should have been less U.S.-centric: no governmental entity in the U.S. has banned e-cigs.

            2. TL -*

              They actually do prevent people from smoking, which is why our smoking rates have dropped from something like 30-40% to 11-14% since smoking was publicly exposed as being linked to lung cancer.

              Increasing cost and inconvenience, targeted public health campaigns -particularly for kids/teens – and social censure (encouraged by public health campaigns) have all been major drivers in the reduction of smoking in the USA.

              1. Dan*

                Just to be pedantic, because I think it’s important here: There’s a material difference between “preventing” and “reducing” or “discourage”. Many of our public policies are very good at discouraging or reducing behaviors, but they are very poor at actually preventing stuff.

                1. fposte*

                  Absolutely, but to take it further on the pedantry, I don’t know of any policy, governmental or otherwise that’s completely prevented people anywhere from doing anything. Rendering something illegal isn’t prevention either, and, as discussed elsewhere, often has more deleterious effects than other roadblocks.

            3. fhqwhgads*

              I think maybe you’re defining “prevent” differently? If by “prevent” you mean “attempt to make it impossible” not that’s not happening. But when I, and I suspect others who have responded to you, say “prevent” it’s more like “do things that make it significantly less appealing/less easy to do so, thus resulting in fewer people doing so.”

            4. Elizabeth West*

              It doesn’t stop everybody, but it has made it so much more unacceptable that the smoking rate has indeed dropped. Many companies also started giving employees discounts on insurance if they were tobacco-free and offered paid access to smoking cessation programs.

              That’s how I quit. I thought, F*ck it; this costs too much and I’m tired of freezing my arse off to go outside and do it. I used my insurance to get Chantix from my doctor. It worked. I’ve been smoke-free for twelve years now.

        2. WellRed*

          When otherwise healthy children and young adults are rapidly developing unknown and life threatening lung diseases it’s time to step back and see what’s going on. It doesn’t compare to cigarettes because of the rapidity.

          1. Goose Lavel*

            So children and young adults dying after two or three years of vaping is more critical than them dying after 20 or 30 years of smoking or vaping?

            So far we’ve had less than 10 people died from vaping and I believe in the same time we’ve had 10 to 20 thousand people die from cigarette smoking. And vaping has been around for 10 years.

            I agree it’s a concern but I think it’s overblown.

            1. fposte*

              I don’t know where I stand on proposals for vape restriction. But things don’t have to be less safe than cigarettes to be unsafe, and you can’t analyze risk in raw numbers–if five people trialed a new medication and they all died on the spot, the fact that it was only five people doesn’t mean the medication is fine. What is the overall risk of developing serious illness from vaping, and what is it with a sustained use of decades? We don’t know yet.

              In addition, the fact that cigarettes aren’t outright illegal (they cause more like 500,000 deaths per year in the U.S., BTW) doesn’t mean there’s any moral requirement to allow anything else. It’s regulation, not sibling privileges; Vapey doesn’t have to be allowed a sleepover just because Smokey is. The question is whether, given current American culture and practice, the benefits outweigh the risks. I’m guessing, from the way you’re writing, you probably wouldn’t find it very satisfactory if the end result is both cigarettes and vapes got banned anyway :-).

              1. fposte*

                Ah, okay, it sounds like you’re coming from a different viewpoint than I thought; you’re supporting the notion that vaping plays an important role as a less dangerous stepdown for smoking, which you want people not to do, rather than coming from a more libertarian approach.

            2. Dan*

              Children dying period is certainly a concern, no?

              And well yeah… if regular use of a product is going to kill you in 2-3 years, I’d 100% without question call that more critical than them dying after 20 or 30 years.

              You seem to support e-cigs because they got your kid off smoked tobacco, fine. But here, you’re arguing that you’d rather have him use a product that can kill him after 2-3 years of regular use, as opposed to something that will take decades, and I’m struggling with the rationale here.

              1. Goose Lavel*

                He weaned himself off cigarettes with 3 months of vaping after smoking menthol cigarettes for 8 years.
                I argue that long term cigarette usage has a more direct line to being dead for 500,000 a year as opposed to a small number of short term vapers.
                I’m sure that the mode of lung injury due to vaping will be discovered in the near future and obviate most vaping deaths; unfortunately, the same cannot be said about cigarettes.

                1. Dan*

                  I have no idea what your argument is, as “being dead for 500,000 a year” isn’t a coherrent English sentence.

                  Best I can tell, people falling over dead over short term vaping isn’t concerning to you. You’re welcome to your beliefs, but there’s nothing you can say that would make me a agree that people dying from short term vaping isn’t a concern.

                  FYI, the CDC has issued reports in the last couple of years describing significant increases in vaping amongst high school students. You and I are free to disagree, but I find developing addictive habits as teenagers concerning.

                2. Goose Lavel*

                  Talks to text on my cell phone sometimes makes me incoherent. I was referring to the half a million people who die from cigarette smoking every year.

                  I don’t see anyone “falling over dead” as they all had symptoms leading up to their hospitalizations.

                  I’m comparing a small number of people who have problems from vaping compared to cigarettes. I don’t disagree with you; I agree that death from any short-term activity is repugnant, especially when it’s entirely preventable. I also agree with you that teenagers developing lifelong deadly habits (like my son did smoking in High School) is a concern.

                3. coffee cup*

                  ‘for 500,000 people a year’ is what Goose Level meant. It’s coherent, just a bit clumsily worded.

            3. Ethyl*

              I think the confusion we are having here is the assessment of the risk. The thing is, we don’t know what is causing this outbreak of lung disease. It seems to be related to vapes, but it has no other commonality, such as geography, or a common distributor or manufacturer, or a specific type of product (THC, nicotine, flavored liquids).

              That is a much, much, much different situation to smoking, where the connection is medically and epidemiologically well-established. For this type of unknown risk, different approaches need to be used until we can determine the cause and prevent it. I understand that 10 people doesn’t seem that big compared to the number of people dying of cigarette-related illnesses, but that doesn’t take into consideration all factors. I hope this clears up for you why emergency action on vaping is needed regardless of how your son is doing in his smoking cessation journey.

        3. Ethyl*

          We do a ton to prevent people from smoking cigarettes, though. Do you live in the same country as me? Because honestly your arguments are simply baffling.

        4. Meepmeep*

          The thing is, what’s in those vape things that’s doing that? People may be making the choice to vape, but are they making an informed choice with full awareness of what it is they are inhaling?

          It’s like finding out that m&m’s cause you to suddenly drop dead. Should people have the choice to eat candy? Of course. Should they also have the choice to eat candy that doesn’t make them drop dead, and the ability to trust that they can pick up a candy at the store and it won’t kill them?

          The risks of cigarettes are well known and anyone who takes up smoking is making an informed choice. The risks of vaping are completely unknown at this point.

    4. Dan*

      I think you do understand the hubub, it’s just that you don’t agree with the response to it.

      The first issue is that even though e-cigs are marketed as a “stop smoking” device, many high school students are using them without ever having smoked a cigarette first.

      Second, we don’t understand the public health risks of these things, given the mysterious outbreak of illness and death related to them. My understanding is that it took *a long time* before we as a society even agreed about the public health risks of smoking tobacco. It seems to me that until the health risks with e-cigs are understood, the government has a role in mitigating their impact.

      1. Goose Lavel*

        I do understand the hubbub and the current response to it. I’m drawing a comparison between vaping and smoking to stir a discussion by showing how vaping benifited my son.
        The only true way the government can mitigate their full impact is to regulate both as nicotine delivery devices. This will most likely fail due to the influence of lobbing money in government.

        1. fposte*

          I think if you’d said fro the outset “I’m worried about the moves toward banning vaping; it really helped my son get off cigarettes, and I’m afraid banning would hurt him and other people like him,” commenters here would have immediately understood that.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      A government ban on killing that annoying neighbor also gets in the way of personal choice.

      Tobacco is an addictive drug and a proven killer. It has no legitimate medical use. Prohibition didn’t work for alcohol, and it wouldn’t work for tobacco, but regulating it as alcohol is regulated seems reasonable.

    6. LilySparrow*

      You don’t sound like you “don’t understand.” You sound like you have a list of talking points and were just spoiling for an argument to trot them out.

      I’m not sure why you chose to bait people instead of just typing out your rant all at once, but …hope you had fun, I guess?

    7. Maya Elena*

      I agree with you – especially with the backdrop of the push to legalize and decriminalize other things, it’s a bizarre thing to campaign for so aggressively.

      1. Hester Prynne isn't here for it*

        The first e-cigarettes were marketed as a way to get off regular cigarettes and they worked. Nicotine is addictive but not deadly. It’s the chemicals used to mass production of cigarettes that kill people. The original vapes were just nicotine. What they are trying to ban are the flavored vapes. There is something in the chemicals they use for flavor that is killing people and doing it quickly. They rushed these things out to market and they need to go back and see if flavor vapes are safe. They don’t plan to do anything about the straight nicotine devices, so your feel good story about your son doesn’t apply.

  34. Release the Kraken*

    Every time I wear flats they rub the back of my heel like crazy. I wind up with a nasty wound by the end of the day that takes weeks to heal. I have wide feet but a narrow heel, so I’m not sure if that’s part of the problem. I have to buy flats that have a strap or are a loafer style because otherwise my heel pops completely out of the shoe to the point where I can’t walk. I’ve bought quality brands like Naturalizer and Softwalk and still have the same problem.

    Before I start investing in potential solutions, has anyone else had this problem and found a solution? What might actually work? I have such annoying feet that I’m tired of shoe shopping and trying to find things to accommodate my annoying pizza slice-shaped feet. Oh how I envy the women who can wear cute shoes!

    1. Fikly*

      There are actually anti-friction rub on things that you can buy. They look like tiny rolls of deodorant. Mine is by band-aid, but there are various brands. You may have to reapply a few times a day, but it’s much nicer than open wounds on the back of your ankles.

      1. Beatrice*

        I haven’t had that problem with flats and flats only, but I’ve had it with womens’ dress shoes in general. Dr Scholls makes a gel heel liner than you can stick to the inside of the shoe, and those have been lifesavers for me. One pair will last a good six weeks of regular wear for me, and by then usually the shoe is broken in enough that I don’t need to replace them for that particular shoe pair.

      2. ValaMalDoran*

        A huge second for the anti-friction sticks. I have one at home where I put on my shoes (a large one from Gold Bond), and a small one in my purse.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      Thick foam heel liners from the drugstore rock my world. I can’t wear flats without them. My duck-shaped feet solute you!

      1. Kate R. Pillar*

        Yes, I use stick-in real leather heel cushions (probably much the same thing) and they totally help!

        1. WS*

          I have very wide toes and a narrow heel, so I have the same problem, and this is what I use. The leather seems to give better grip and last for longer than the other kinds.

    3. Rebecca*

      Have you tried moleskin? I use Dr. Scholl’s brand, the one that comes in a roll and I cut pieces to fit my heel. I have a weird small protrusion on my right heel, and several times a year I manage to get a giant blister there. I wear synthetic or wool socks, too, as cotton absorbs moisture and that creates friction. I also bought extra large waterproof Band Aids to wear while the blister heals, they really help.

    4. Amity*

      I just use a regular bandage or a blister one! Although now I want to look into the pads mentioned above….

    6. fposte*

      Hey, fellow duckfoot!

      I don’t know if the problem is completely surmountable without just wearing socks, but here are two things that have been super helpful for me. One is Foot Glide, which you can get on Amazon; it’s basically long-lasting foot lube, if you will, from the people who make Body Glide. Another is, if you can find them, shoes that have a rolled over cushion at the top of the heel rather than just a standard seam. I don’t know what the technical term is, but I have Clarks flats with these and they’re amazing; the edgeless leather slides along rather than rubbing the way a seam does.

    8. IAmOnlyInItForThePoetry*

      I have the same issue. I basically just don’t wear many styles of shoes. I like the kinds that don’t have backs at all or I wear ones that come up higher on the top of my foot (or have a strap.)

      No foot or heel pads seem to help at all.

      At an expensive shoe store, I was told to get regular width shoes and stretch them in the toes/not the heels but I haven’t tried that yet.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Plus make sure you are buying the right size – if your foot is slipping out of/against the heel, it might actually be the that the shoe is a bit big. Try on half a size or a size smaller when you shop, to be sure. My massive wide flat feet will rub against or be shredded by many a shoe – if it can blister, it will – but my nicest newest pair of ladies’ leather flats are super comfy at half a size smaller than i would usually ask for, and never run because they hug my feet and don’t slip about. Of course you don’t want anything to pinch but it’s worth considering. Also; leather or variants of – if you’re not vegan then the way leather, suede and novice “gives” and moulds to your feet is way way better than plastic. And isn’t sweaty either.

  35. Llellayena*

    Ever have one of those memory quirks where you are SURE you did something but can’t remember the details of when or how? You then find out nope, you didn’t do it. I’m right there with renewing my drivers license. So I get to spend all morning sitting in the dmv instead of doing the easy online renew process. Yay! Expect comments and responses from me in my boredom…

    1. Dame Judi Brunch*

      Yes! Happens all the time, it’s so frustrating!
      I’m one of those people that doesn’t mind the DMV. No idea why, maybe if I someday have an issue I’ll think differently, but right now I think of it as an errand with some enjoyable downtime.

    2. Llellayena*

      Ha! Faster than anticipated! An unusually un-busy Saturday morning. Rocking the new license AND the updated car inspection sticker! On to the rest of my day.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Yeah. I thought I’d paid the poors program co-pay when I went in to the clinic for my thyroid lab, but apparently for some reason, I didn’t check in at the desk like I always do. I can’t for the life of me remember not doing it.

      If I’d had insurance, they would have just sent me a bill. But the poors program doesn’t extend you that courtesy, so they waited a month and a half, didn’t bother to remind me when I came in later for a checkup, and then unceremoniously kicked me off the program. I have to wait six months to reapply. F*ck them; I’ll be gone by then.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Ayup. Today in fact. I had gone to bed early but popped awake after 2 hours suddenly realizing I got sidetracked by work stress & house problems this summer and am almost out of time to finish my tax extension.
      I hate tax filing… I’m so envious of friends in Denmark because the government calculates it all and sends a bill. If you have anything complicated, you can file paperwork to ammend it, but it’s not a requirement.

  36. The Meow*

    I am a POC and posted a recent experience of racism. A white acquaintance responded: “It’s a shame you keep choosing to look for racism in this world. I have an Indian friend who’s lovely and I never see colour! We need to stop creating division and start seeing good in people.”

    How do you even begin to explain to a white person that her having a brown friend/neighbour/dildo seller/etc doesn’t mean racism doesn’t exist? Since I wasn’t in the mood for a detailed reply I simply posted a meme poking fun of white people who whitesplain.

    White people don’t get to decide racism isn’t real. If you’re white, please don’t try to teach POC about racism. Just don’t.

    1. Shiny alolan raichu*

      I mean there’s so much wrong with your friend’s comment. Because they have one Indian friend they believe racism doesn’t exist?! What…??
      I’m sorry that happened and I absolutely don’t blame you for not wanting to explain. It’s on us white people to learn. And I apologise for all the shit I thought and said before I understood that myself. Fwiw if I see racism now I do try and call it out. It’s something, in the absence of being able to wave a magic wand and fix the world :-|

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      In my experience, it’s white people who don’t see color and men who don’t see gender, and so they conveniently never notice any -isms taking place around them.

      I wish I had a great one-liner that would make your acquaintance reflect on her wondrous ability to not notice any discrimination around herself, but I have never heard of one.

      1. Norwich*

        There are no one-liners. I was raise pretty sheltered (homeschooled for religious reasons, went to a conservative Christian undergrad) and as a result was not asked to think about white privilege until I started graduate school. I don’t think I’d even ever heard the term. (This was in the late 00s, for reference.)

        I handled things terribly for the first year or two. Then at some point, I started listening to the stories that people were telling. Hearing their experience did for me what reading op-eds and scholarly research about privilege could not do: convinced me there was a problem. Now, like many white people, I’m working on it. I don’t get things right all the time, but I try.

        I share this hopefully (?) as an encouragement. I think sometimes the very real oppression and great pain of ongoing racism makes us want a quick fix, to “download” our beliefs about the reality and problem of racism into other people’s brains. But change doesn’t work that way; it’s gradual and slow and sometimes involves backwards steps. But that doesn’t mean change isn’t happening.

        The Meow, I’m sorry you experienced this, and that your friend didn’t listen. :( :(

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yup. Sometimes you don’t have the time or energy to educate an ignorant person. Many times nothing you say will change anything. I can certainly understand if you roll your eyes, say “Wow” and walk away for those times when you .just. can’t. Other times, feel free to say what you need to.
        Hoping for a better future.

    4. William Tell Was Framed*

      I am sorry, one, that you experienced racism, and two, that your friend dismissed it as you ‘finding it.’ I cannot offer advice, but think your reaction of the meme was probably good enough, they may get a clue. Or not. As an aside, I am LOL at your term ‘dildo seller.’

    5. ThatGirl*

      ugh. It’s only white people who have the “option” of not seeing color, and it’s ridiculous. I’m sorry she said that, and if I saw that sort of reply I’d smack her down, but I don’t have a snappy comeback for you.

    6. Nicki Name*

      How about pointing out that if the acquaintance doesn’t see color, they are choosing to not see part of who you are and what shapes your life?

      That won’t change their mind immediately, but it might get them thinking.

      (I am a white person who was taught as a kid to be “colorblind”, and it took me a LONG time to get past it. Another thought that helped me change, because I am a geek and like to think that I can reason logically: If you refuse to see color, how can you even evaluate whether racism is happening or not??)

      1. fposte*

        Yes, that kind of colorblindness was considered progressive in an earlier era; I grew up with it too. It can be hard for people to get the message that what you learned as progressive doesn’t stay progressive, because there’s, you know, progression.

        And I agree with your point–if you say you don’t see color, you’re willfully closing your eyes to racism. I don’t know that a FB post is the place to go into this, but that might be a response to consider, with the additional question of “Is that who you want to be?”

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yep, raised to be “colorblind” here too, took me a long time to reject that mentality. And that last rhetorical question is excellent.

      3. The Meow*

        This is so true. Thank you. As a POC I don’t have the luxury of being colour blind because reality is I am treated a certain way because my skin is the “wrong” hue.

    7. Fikly*

      I am not a POC, but am a member of other minorities. My mother often tells me off for focusing on the negatives. Like, they are all around me, and experiences I’m having, can you not invalidate me?

    8. Pippa K*

      Funny how the white people who “don’t see colour” are also the people who are eager to tell you they have a black friend. At this point when someone says “I don’t see colour” what I hear is “I have excused myself from thinking seriously about racism. Please congratulate me.”
      (I’m white, fwiw.)

      1. Merci Dee*

        It’s almost like the black/POC friend comes standard as part of the expansion pack of their lives. Oh, look! In this upgrade, I got cute shoes, a nice handbag, some adorable sunglasses, precious dangly earrings, and a black friend! This new friend will look so sweet hanging onto my arm!

        Like the black friend is the accessory that proves how forward thinking they are, but gets as much mental space as the shoes and handbag.

    10. Washi*

      I can’t remember where I read this, but: “If you say you don’t see color, that means you don’t see me.” That really helped me refute the idea that the “polite” thing to do is to pretend you don’t see race. (I am white.)

      1. Lilith*

        I’m embarrassed to admit that today is the first time I read the word “whitesplain.” I don’t know where I’ve been. That is, sadly, utterly brilliant. I’m sorry, OP, you are going through this with a “friend.”

    11. MissDisplaced*

      I’m white and I HATE when other white people dismiss or downplay racism because they want to live in denial.

    12. NewReadinGlasses*

      If she doesn’t see color, how does she know her friend is Indian? (Eye roll) I feel vicariously annoyed.

    13. Troutwaxer*

      Your acquaintance is idiotic, at least about race. I think the correct reply is something along the lines of “I try really hard to keep racism from affecting my life, but as with all Black people, racism sometimes finds me despite my best efforts.”

    15. sequined histories*

      I’m sorry.
      That person doesn’t want to accept or acknowledge your experience as a human being, which is thoroughly awful.
      You have a moral right to say an awful lot of things to her, but there’s no secret technique for changing a person like that, and it’s 100% reasonable of you to decline to expend your personal energy in an attempt to do so.
      FWIW, she wasn’t trying to teach you about racism. She was trying to teach you never to make her uncomfortable by bringing up racism.

    16. Melody Pond*

      How horrible! I’m so sorry – first for the experience of racism to begin with, and then to have insult added to injury in this way!

      I’m white – I was definitely raised with the idea that we ought to be “color blind”, but I learned much later in life that the only people who actually get to live their lives that way, are white people! It’s totally part of our privilege. Because the world doesn’t constantly second-guess us or marginalize us or otherwise discriminate against us, because of the color of our skin – so we get to forget about race. My understanding is that people of color just aren’t allowed that luxury, in daily life.

      There was a video circulating around facebook I think, quite a while ago. I can’t recall anything about the guy who made it, but he was a person of color talking about unconscious bias and how everybody is a little bit racist – he even included himself in that statement. That’s the nature of unconscious bias – I remember thinking it was a pretty helpful video, particularly for me as a white person. I wish I had that link at the ready and that I could throw it at this acquaintance of yours. :(

    17. Gatomon*

      Oh no. I would seriously reconsider that acquaintance-ship ASAP. I’d lay it all out for her in the frankest terms possible. I’d tell her how she:

      – totally rejected your experience
      – blamed you for “seeking out” racism in the situation
      – brought up her Indian friend as a token to prove she’s not racist herself and to blunt any criticism of what she’s saying, thus marginalizing her Indian friend
      – pat herself on the back for not “seeing color,” as if she’s better than everyone else
      – chastise POC as a group for causing racial division

      And then I’d let her know that:
      – you didn’t post your experience to be victimblamed
      – you didn’t post your experience so she could make herself feel good about “not seeing color”
      – she might want to talk to her Indian friend about how they feel about being used as a token to wash away her racist response
      – she should read up on how to be an actual ally to POC
      – she can start off becoming an ally by accepting the reported experiences of POC as valid, beginning with yours

      And please don’t ever feel rushed to respond – as POC it’s not our jobs to explain this stuff constantly. If you choose to take this on, you are welcome to take all the time that you need to formulate your response!

    19. Meepmeep*

      I’m Jewish. My answer would be “Well, I’ll be happy to stop ‘creating division’ when the antisemites stop targeting me.”

    22. knead me seymour*

      I’m sure you don’t want to devote any more time to educating your acquaintance, but for anyone looking for resources for white people who are really entrenched in the “colourblindness” rhetoric, the book What Does It Mean to Be White does a good job of debunking that line of reasoning. It’s actually quite good at examining whiteness, white privilege and white ignorance in a rational, nonjudgmental way, so it might get through to someone who is ignorant but willing to make an effort. It is written by a white person, so there is that caveat, but the author has spent her career educating other white people about race, and I’d say it could make a pretty good primer for clueless white people.

  37. CoffeeforLife*

    Trigger Warning: Exercising/Weight Loss/Food

    I’ve been doing Orange Theory since March. I go 5x a week and have seen some muscle tone development BUT not the results I imagined I’d have. The scale hasn’t budged, my clothes fit the same, and I’m getting a little frustrated. I cook 100% of my meals, most everything is made from scratch, and I don’t have a lot of “junk food” in my diet (think skinny pop or dark chocolate squares as a treat). Breads and pastas are at a minimum because I will inhale them.

    I’m resisting counting calories because I don’t want to do that forever but I guess I need to do something differently. I’m turning 40 soon and just have to wonder if this is my metabolism slowing down and the gut creep is here to stay?

    I know I have issues with how I perceive my body and feeling “fat” (thanks mom) and I struggle with feeling not good enough and if only I’d lose X pounds I’d be lovable, acceptable, etc.

    I’m just venting I suppose. I feel good about myself that I’m exercising. I like that I feel stronger and that I’m able to keep up with the class. I just want my fat to melt off and be some skinny, hot version of me that never was.

    1. Charlotte*

      You’ve probably heard this before but you really do need to be tracking your calories if your goal is to lose weight (as opposed to just gaining fitness). You can eat all the ‘right’ foods but if you eat too much of them you won’t get results. Working out and exercising more is obviously great but unless you’re in a deficit you won’t lose fat.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Exercise is great for your health overall. It’s a stress reliever and being stronger can help your metabolism. But it won’t really help you lose much weight on its own, because it’s hard to burn enough calories through exercise alone to create a deficit. Dietary changes are the most efficient way to lose weight but also what makes it hard to keep off.

      1. londonedit*

        Yep. People are always saying to me ‘Oh, you do so much running! I bet you can eat whatever you want!’ Nope. The only time I’ve ever lost weight just through running, without also keeping a very close eye on what I’m eating, has been when I’ve trained for a marathon and got into the ‘20-mile run every Sunday for four weeks’ stage. The saying goes ‘You can’t out-train a bad diet’ but even if your diet isn’t bad, you may still be eating more than your exercise is burning off. Or you might not be eating the right things to fuel your exercise and also allow your body to lose weight.

        1. Fringe*

          People definitely tend to overestimate how much they burn during exercise. Completing the couch-to-5k challenge is a wonderful achievement, but a lot of people don’t realise that a 5K run can be easily cancelled out with a typical drink from Starbucks – hence why there are so many reports of people putting on weight when they start exercising (and no, it’s not because exercise is turning fat to muscle).

    3. Fikly*

      Muscles weigh more than fat. If you are gaining muscles through exercise, it’s likely why the scale isn’t budging.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Not to be obnoxious, but muscle doesn’t weigh more than fat, it’s just denser. So you can lose inches and not lbs, but a pound of fat weighs the same as a pound of muscle.

        1. Fikly*

          Well, yes, but what I meant was, the same amount of muscle, by volume, will weigh more. So you can look the same but weigh more, or have some part of your body look slightly smaller, but still weigh the same.

    4. WellRed*

      You probably need to count calories, at least temporarily, to see how much you are eating. I recently switched from my trusty old analog scale to an inexpensive digital and the difference in “measured” portions was astounding. Also, measuring cups and spoons.

    5. School Psych*

      Does your gym have personal trainers who have experience in nutrition? Everyone’s metabolism is different and you might need more carbs or protein in your diet to start to lose weight. Tracking calories is helpful, but you also have to strike the right balance between what you’re burning and the amount of calories your body needs. If you’re working out a lot more and not adjusting the amount of calories you’re getting, your body can hold onto fat to compensate for not getting enough fuel. There are a variety of free apps to help you track the kind of calories your body is getting and figure out the amount of calories you should be getting with your activity level. It might be a lot more than what you think. I have a fit bit and on days when I’m more active(doing a harder class or walking/running around 3 miles), the app bumps the calories I need to consume to maintain my current weight up to 2000. To lose a pound a week, you should be eating around 400-500 less than what you’re burning per day.

    6. Mimosa Jones*

      Calorie counting triggers my anxiety, so I try to find ways of knowing what I eat without measuring everything. Precision Nutrition has a good way to estimate portions and calories. A serving of meat is the size of the palm of your hand, your fist is a serving of veggies and you can hold a serving of starchy carbs in your cupped hand. The volume of your thumb from knuckle to tip is a serving of fat.

      I’d start with just using a simple method to record what you eat and how much and take it from there. I prefer paper and use Fit Book fitness journals to record my eating and exercise. They’re available through Amazon and are very flexible with boxes to check for servings of food and liquids. If you want to go electronic, I think they have an app, or you can get the same level of simplicity from the 21 Day Fix Diet’s app. The diet has definite problems, (their calories recommendations and counts are too low, for one thing), but the app has simple checkboxes to record food servings and liquids so you can ignore their recommendations and record on your own terms.

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      I had to food journal. I used a paper method and then an app. I also used the american diabetic exchange diet, which uses exchanges (x servings of veg, etc). I “did” have to do weighing and measuring at first, because I was not accurate at all. Once I began to count every pat of butter, every slice of whole grain (is it the one with 45 calories, or the one with 100?) bread, etc… the picture became clearer. I found it much easier to treat it like a “budget” – here’s the “number” I can spend, where do I need to spend it the most wisely? (for me, protein, veggies, then fruit, then … empty…). I did really well with this. I like the app, (FitDay at the time) because I could also track my exercise. So if I really wanted 10 french fries (100 calories) I knew exactly how many minutes on the concept 2 rower that entailed.
      But from years of yo-yo dieting and telling myself little “lies” like “it is just half a cookie” or “just one ounce of nuts…” I found that I had to do a full-on reset. But like budgeting, once I began to recognize all the little leakages were adding up, I found it easier to just say no. I did eat six small portions a day, but I knew exactly how many calories I was consuming, and how many I was burning. (And we often deceive ourselves about both of them – at least I did, and most people do…. I was consistently underestimating how much I ate, and overestimating the calories burned).
      I didn’t have to do it forever… but long enough to be able to look at my plate and say (4 oz lean chicken, 1 c serving of broccoli, 1/2 c pilaf, side salad with 1 tbs of vinaigrette…) and know if I had enough “budg
      It’s been 15 years since I hit goal, and I have maintained within a 5 pound range since then. So that year or so spent “re-calibrating” and building my good habits, paid off for life. I don’t think I’d be walking — if I hadn’t done that work, in my case (I was 299). YMMV.
      But… I had to peel away at it from a lot of angles (I was in a support group, worked out, and did the food journaling, and tried to tackle it step by step… it didn’t happen overnight at all!). And yes, I have a difficult, difficult mother who STILL thinks she’s fat at 110 because after 4 huge babies, she has splayed stomach muscles and a “belly.” So I worked with my doctor and my therapist to set realistic goals, for me … and eventually told her to never mention my weight to me again or I’d quit visiting home. Again, YMMV but I had to get rid of her voice in my head. CBT helps that.

    8. sequined histories*

      Lots of people are going to tell you to monitor your calories. Because of my ED history that’s a non-starter for me, but obviously it will help you lose weight, and some minority of people are able to do that long-term.
      I do think you are wise to consider what you are ready, willing, and able to do long-term before embarking upon a particular program. I’m not skinny or hot, but I have seen a bit of weight loss while focusing on improving the amount and quality of my sleep and reducing/managing my stress better while trying to eat a reasonably healthy diet and exercise moderately. The results might be far from what you’d be looking for, but at least they’re reasonably sustainable and these things are otherwise beneficial to me.
      I would strongly, strongly urge you to decouple weight loss and fitness goals from any expectations about changing the way you feel about yourself. I’m just one person and I don’t know you, but I feel 100% certain that no modifications to my appearance would have ever brought me the sort of psychological relief and self-acceptance I was craving and that you seem to long for as well. So try to put weight loss/fitness in one mental basket and self-acceptance/being loved/being “hot” in another mental basket. If you want to keep working on weight loss/fitness, great! If you want something to change in the second category, however, work on addressing that on a completely separate basis.

    9. Dee-Nice*

      “I just want my fat to melt off and be some skinny, hot version of me that never was.”

      Eating healthy and exercising are important, but your body is your body. If you’re working out hard 5x a week and watching your food, ask yourself how much harder you really want to work, and for how long, to try to achieve results that you may not be physically built to easily maintain. Some people have a thick waist no matter what. Some people lift weights but never bulk up. You have to know what is achievable for YOU and find a way to be okay with that, and not beat yourself up about it. Not everything about your body is within your control.

    10. LibbyG*

      I think I’m more satisfied with my shape then you are with yours, but I’m feeling some of your frustration with trying to shed a few pounds. I’m in my late 40s now, and my weight is holding steady but I’m getting a little thicker around the middle, and I’m not into it. I also share your distaste for counting calories. I just can’t see myself sustaining that. I recently got back into Time Restricted Eating. I do all my eating between 11 am and 7 pm. It took probably 4 weeks before I stopped feeling hungry before 11 (I get up at 6). And over a couple months about 3 lbs have come off. Slow, but it works for perimenopausal me.

  38. HannahS*

    Stop the presses, HannahS has herself a boyfriend! He’s emotionally stable! He’s gainfully employed! We have the same values! He’s cuddly and smart and I like him a lot.

    I’m happy, guys. I’m in my late 20s and this is my first boyfriend.

    Just wanted to share :)

  39. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    9 more days till closing on the house(!!) How long does closing itself take on the day of? Sometimes I see people taking pictures and posting to Facebook, so I guess that’s a thing?

    Sinusitis is going away after a horrendous week of teeth to jaw to facial pain and headaches TG. Only to be replaced by a mysterious strained elbow muscle that woke me in the AM. Using a heating pad.

    All I want is one pain-free healthy day…:(((

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      Closing can be super quick- it’s really just paper signing and check handing. Be prepared for it to be..anticlimactic? Like all this build up and waiting for something so fast. Maybe bring celebratory stuff and make it a moment!

      Feel better!

    2. Ali G*

      Assuming you are getting a mortgage, closing takes a few hours. There is so much dang paperwork. And then there are the forms you have to sign to show that the loan officer told you something. It’s mind numbing, really. You’ll get through it!
      Feel better and congrats on the house!

    3. Texan In Exile*

      I would suggest asking for the paperwork now so you can review it and look for mistakes. We got our paperwork in advance and my name was left off everything, even though we were buying the house together. (We weren’t married yet, so buying together took extra steps.)

      I told them to fix it, but when we got to the closing, they still hadn’t put my name on anything. (Turns out I should have asked to see everything again to prove they had corrected it.)

      This was a Friday afternoon. The person in charge said we should just sign and they would take care of adding me on Monday.

      Nope nope nope.

      I told her we would sit and wait while they corrected the mistake I had pointed out weeks before. No way I was signing a deal for $250K without it being correct.

      1. Truth!*

        This happened to us too!!!! Double check everything. The room we were in was loud (lots of people also doing closings) and it was obvious they expected us to just sign and go but I’m so glad I asked to take a moment and actually understand what I was signing. Otherwise I wouldn’t own a house right now (my partner would, but not me).

      2. Reba*

        Yeah, we had to do a similar big change at the last minute, one day before. Wrong figures — which I previously had noted but were waved away — were caught one day out. They said, we can redo everything or you can just bring $16,000 more to the closing. RIGHT.

        That closing was actually fast when it came to signing, however.

        The one we did recently ended up taking more than 4 hours due to lots of passing problems back and forth with our Big-ass Bank. But the lawyer kindly stayed after hours and we got it done.

    4. Anono-me*

      It depends upon how thoroughly you read the paperwork.

      (I read everything so about an hour. The mortgage company was not happy about it. They wouldn’t give me a copy in advance and kept saying it was all boilerplate and not to worry about it. As Texas in Exile said, “Nope, nope, nope.” If I am signing for umpty thousand dollars, I am reading it.)

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Don’t rush reading the paperwork on a house closing. My lawyer caught a detail that cost us an extra $2000. At least we knew about it in advance. If they won’t give you copies ahead of time, let them wait until you look it all through. And, if you find a mistake, INSIST it’s fixed before you sign.
      Be prepared to walk away and postpone the closing if something is amiss. Oh, and GET THE KEY to the house! My ex-neighbor SQUATTED in his sold house for a month before the new owners could get him out. The new owners had to pay their massive mortgage while the ex-owner lived in their house for free. The new owners said not getting the key was a big mistake.
      Oh and insist on a walk-through 24 hours before closing. This is a normal thing in my area. My spouse was very disappointed that the old owners un-nailed and un-screwed many items that should have been left in our house. They would have taken the drapes if the real estate agent hadn’t stopped them. After the sale, they came a-knocking wanting more stuff that was attached to the house. Sheesh.
      My lawyer said that 9 times out of 10, a closing goes fine, but that 1 time is a doozy. Here’s hoping you have a smooth closing.
      Congratulations!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        THIS. Look at everything too. My house, we didn’t notice that the sellers had removed the handrail & corded shower head from a tub….left nice little holes in the tile too.
        My brother’s sellers, he did notice they’d switched out all the switchplates for cheesy plastic ones.
        It boggles the mind.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          The previous owner of my house ran out of space in her truck and just…didn’t take a bunch of stuff when she moved out. We agreed during the offer stage that she’d leave the outdoor furniture (I didn’t have much of my own since I’d never had a real yard of my own before, and she didn’t want to move it, so that was a bonus for both of us), but she also left a dining chair and a bunch of other random stuff, particularly garage stuff. I have so much firewood I’ll never use that I need to work harder on giving away (it’s not a good idea to store that in a garage, there’s no detached shed, and I feel silly buying a shed to store wood I don’t want, but I’ve had trouble with finding someone willing to bring a truck over and haul away the firewood), although the hoses, sprinklers, sump pump, and shelving have been nice. I still haven’t gone through the stuff lofted in the garage rafters in any detail.

          (Some of it was just poor communication – the paperwork said she’d be taking the refrigerator, but she meant the little dorm fridge she had outside, and I thought she meant the big one in the kitchen. I didn’t mind not having to buy a new fridge, but I was surprised to see it still there.)

    6. Gatomon*

      Mine was maybe an hour, tops. It’s just a bunch of “sign here” and you fork over the check. You may have to wait a bit to get the keys. You should have seen basically everything before you get in there, though the title company should go over it with you again.

  40. Kuododi*

    Well, I’m still putting one foot in front of the other as far as recovery is concerned. Last week I started the Live Strong program through the Y. The trainer I’m working with is bright and a high energy “Energizer Bunny” type. (As long as I don’t have to meet up with that personality type at 5am then we’re gold!)
    I was very pleased with how well I was doing for my first week back in the Y after 2 major cancer surgeries. 1st session, I put in 20 solid minutes on the stair stepper before I had to stop and catch my breath.

    I’m not due for another Dr’s appointment until the 15th of next month. Then I have an assessment meeting with the radiation MD. Then we will work out the details of my upcoming radiation treatment. I’ll be delighted when I’m done with all of this nonsense. DH continues to be a an absolute rock star husband. He’s not much of a talker… just quietly steps up and takes care of whatever is necessary to aid my recovery.

    1. fposte*

      Aw, good DH. Glad you’re still walking the walk in the increments you can manage, and I’m impressed at your ability to cope with an Energizer Bunny.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Such a good update, and so glad you are taking these steps of self-care and exercise. And kudos to the rock star DH….

  41. I don’t post often*

    Bedbugs. *sigh*. It’s a very long story, but here are my question. I’m visiting a house for a few days that had bed bugs. The owners went though an over the counter treatment and seemed to go away. They consistently check everyday and reapply chemicals if they find anything that resembles a big. They thought it was contained to one room. (There are four bed rooms in this house and that was the master, the only consistently used bedroom.). Anyway. After I arrived yesterday, owner found a tiny bed bug on master bed. (Smaller than a deer tick, found with black light). I made sure non oft clothes, suitcases or other items were on the same level as the master bedroom. I woke up at 1am scratching and covered with bites. No pattern, Not clustered and appeared to be musquito bites. I switched to a couch, stopped itching, and the bites and itching are gone this morning. Owner says that bed bug bites do not disappear that quickly. 1) is that true? Would the bites still be visible this morning if they were bed bug? 2) what can I do protect my house? I’m willing to just throw my suitcase away, but what about my tennis shoes or other not dry-able items? 3) the owner is refusing to call an exterminator, so any thoughts/ advice on best method of treatment?

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      Yikes!! Bed bugs will travel through wall sockets so no room is “safe” but bathrooms are the least likely (no soft surfaces to hide in). Maybe keep your luggage in the tub for the duration of your stay. Put everything in the dryer on hot before washing to try and kill them. Ditch the suitcase. Sorry.

    2. mg!*

      When I had bedbugs, the bites lasted weeks. I think it’s unlikely that what you experienced were bedbug bites.

      I don’t have any suggestions for their house that don’t involve an exterminator as the first line of treatment. For your belongings that can’t go in a hot dryer, spray them with isopropyl alcohol. You can buy climb ups to put under your bed and couch legs to monitor for infestation, or sprinkle diatomaceous earth around the legs to prevent bugs from climbing up (if you don’t have pets; if you do have pets, I’d read up on what is and isn’t safe). Good luck!

    3. Been there, done that*

      Are you still at their house? I stayed at a place once that turned out to have bedbugs, and honestly, I threw everything away — my shoes, my suitcase, everything. I have a garage at my house, so when I got home, I stripped in the garage, threw my clothes and everything else in the trash, and went inside and took a shower. It sucked to lose a week’s worth of clothes, shoes, etc. but I just wasn’t willing to risk it. You could also look online — there are various bits of advice here and there about freezing things (it takes a long time), heating things up in black plastic bags in a hot car (you need several hot and sunny days) and washing and drying (I think they recommend drying first to dehydrate the little suckers to death, then washing, then drying again). Good luck!

    4. DrTheLiz*

      That sounds almost more like a rash than bites. If you want to save something from your luggage, vacuum it! A thorough vacuuming will get eggs, which chemical treatments won’t – I moved in to a flat once with a pre-existing infestation and I got them out of the mattress by (just, ha ha) vacuuming it, the bedframe, the carpet, the pillows and the covers every time I got a new bite and boil-washing the bedding. I think it took three rounds? But the whole rest of the year I was there, nothing.

      Something like shoes, that only might have been exposed, good going over with a vacuum cleaner then a dip in very hot water should (99% certainly) do the business.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Seconded – when I discovered a contact allergy to the fabric softener my then-SO was using on the bedsheets, it presented the same way you describe. Rash that looked like bug bites, popped up shortly after getting into bed, went away shortly after getting out of bed. I didn’t know he was using fabric softener on the sheets for like six months because he assured me he wasn’t (there’s a variety of reasons he’s an ex, this was one of them), but gawd, it was terrible.

        1. I don’t post often*

          This makes me feel better. I am highly sensitive to smells and perfumes and have bad allergic reactions. I did use a different brand of soap while showering about two hours before I started itching. Honestly, if it were not for the bed bug issue, my mind would have jump straight to a contact reaction.

          1. Not a cat*

            I am allergic to fabric softener (especially the ‘sheet’ ones) and this sounds like one of my reactions.

    5. NewReadinGlasses*

      If you have a car, leaving it in the sun with the suspect stuff inside should work. Bedbugs are killed by heat that is well within the range you get in a hot car. There are charts online that show duration versus temperature required for different insects, and expected interior car temperatures versus exterior temperature over time. I do this for moths before storing wool items and so far (10 years) it has worked. (My house has a small, esentially permanent moth population, because we have cats, and an old house with lots of little cracks to hide in. And they come from outside!)
      Your itching sounds like an allergic rash. Bedbug bites should last about as long as a mosquito or flea bite.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Oh that’s clever. Bet you it would also work in an oven on a low temperature warming setting.

        1. NewReadinGlasses*

          I’ve done the oven thing too! The car is just bigger, and is out in the sun all day at my work anyway, so I feel efficient about my bug -killing.

          1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

            Oh definitely more convenient. But it’s also heading into fall, so boiling hot cars are not so easy to come by. Though if you park deliberately in the sun, it probably would still be warm enough.

      2. I don’t post often*

        Thank you for this. I had thought about a hot car and black plastic bags, but wasn’t sure if it would work. I have someone with me not willing to throw their suitcase away (but is a small bag… more mini suitcase) and I was thinking hotcar and plastic bag might work.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I had a scare a few years ago while staying in a hotel on the way to visit my grandparents. The situation wasn’t ideal because I had a long train ride plus getting picked up by a relative the next day. I had the relative bring big trash bags so I could seal my bags before they went into the car and we stopped on the way to buy some new clothes. As soon as I got to grandma’s I stripped in the garage and put those clothes in a trash bag too. Everything was laid out on the black asphalt driveway in the hot sun all day the next day, then washed and dried as hot as it could be (alas I shrank my husband’s trousers this way). But we never saw another bed bug after the hotel, so if we did pick any up they didn’t get far.

    6. Mimosa Jones*

      I’m in the middle of a bedbug scare (mysterious bites but no bugs after completely inspecting and cleaning the bedrooms so just waiting for new bites now), so I’ve been doing some research. One of the new things I’ve learned is that bedbugs prefer dirty/worn clothes if a human isn’t around. That’s probably what attracts them to a suitcase in the first place. So you could get some big zip plastic bags and seal up all your clothes and when you get home dump them straight into the dryer for about 30-60 minutes on the hottest setting. Then inspect them and wash and dry as normal. If you weren’t already staying there then you could use a multiple bag system to keep clean and dirty clothes separate and hopefully keep them from catching a ride home with you. But at this point I’d assume everything is contaminated. You could inspect your suitcase and clothes right now and if you don’t find anything, place it in a sealed trash bag and seal up your clothes. Keep all non-clothing items separate for the rest of your stay so there’s no chance of hitchhikers. But no matter what, I’d assume you’re bringing them home with you.

      When you get home, put your box spring and mattress into bed bug covers. It won’t prevent an infestation but it will make inspection easier. Clear out the space under your bed and make sure your bed clothes don’t touch the floor. If you want to be especially handy you can caulk up some of the obvious hiding places now. I’d set out actual bedbug traps but don’t put the ones on the feet of your bed. You want to know if you brought any home and unfortunately, you’re the bait so you want to make it easy for everyone.

      If this is a single person who only sleeps in the master bed, then it’s likely that the other rooms are bug free. The bugs will want to be close to their food source.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      On bug bites: some people have little or no reaction to bug bites, so it’s possible the bites “disappeared” by morning. Not sure if your marks were bites, though.
      Affected beds need to be wrapped in bedbug bags: the mattress, the box, the pillows. All linens must be cleaned, etc. A LOT must be done to fix the problem.
      Bedbugs are so difficult to get rid of that if you dodge this bullet this time, I’d never go back there if I were you. The owners don’t sound like they want to fix their bedbug infestation.

    8. Fellow Traveler*

      When we had bed bugs, the only thing that really solved the problem for us was an exterminator. For the things that couldn’t be put in the dryer we were told to put them in well sealed garbage bags in the basement for 4 weeks to starve them out.
      Also- different people have different reactions to bed bug bites. I got lots of bites, but my husband never had any bites show up so he wasn’t convinced that we had bed bugs until I started finding them and putting them in a plastic bag for him to see.

    9. LilySparrow*

      I don’t know your overall situation, but personally I would not stay a second night in that house if I had any option at all. I’d sooner sleep in my car.

      I am giving major side-eye to a host who won’t call an exterminator and then invites houseguests. Major, major side-eye.

      I’m perfectly happy to “offend” someone who has no qualms about infecting me and my house with bedbugs.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      That actually sounds more like an allergic thing, like hives than bug bites. What laundry detergent/softener do they use?

      And you can put your tennis shoes into the dryer. They don’t like it, but it’s not instant death.

    11. Arts Akimbo*

      Yeah, honestly, if the itch from the bites went away overnight, you were most likely *not* bitten by bedbugs. A mosquito maybe? Fleas? But not bedbugs. They have the itchiest bite and it lasts (on me at least) for about three weeks of horrible itching. And yes, the bites are visible as red-pink welts. Several bites will usually (but not always) be in a line formation, as the little bastards will take a nibble, get indecisive, walk a few steps, and take another bite.

      Check the seams of your tennis shoes really thoroughly, maybe go over them with a Q-tip. Leave them in a hot car for a week maybe! But most of all, just walk in them. Bedbugs cannot grip for anything and I read somewhere that it takes an average of 38 walking steps to dislodge them.

  42. MissDisplaced*

    I think my office might me making me sick.
    [not work-related technically]

    A few weeks ago my company moved into a brand new office that is also in a brand new building. Everything is brand new and you can smell that ‘brand new’ rather acrid smell everywhere: carpets, furniture, etc. The second week there, I came down with a very fast-onset sinus cold: extreme sore throat first, followed by general stuffiness and headaches, etc. I did WFH a Th-Fri and by the weekend felt fine and it cleared up. But I worked in the office again for a week, and yesterday began to feel sick like that all over again: all day yesterday I was sneezing and eyes were watering, throat burning and again it came on suddenly Friday while in the office. Today I feel better.

    I AM prone to allergies, and of course this IS an allergy season. I regularly take OTC allergy medicine (Clairton, Allegra, etc.) to keep allergies in check, but because of this recent spate since the office move, I’ve been doubling up on the doses, taking one at 6am and another at 6pm.

    So, I don’t know? Could it be the office making me sick? Has anyone had this happen to them?

    I am hesitant to say “I think the office is making me sick” at work because this is a new open-office plan and the company is extremely sensitive about forcing people who did a lot of WFH to now come in and unfortunately it would be seen as complaining. So, I don’t know if it’s just the typical allergies and bad timing or it really is the chemicals from new carpet and furnishings off gassing. I never got this bad at the old office though, unless of course I really was sick or occasionally in spring w/high pollen days which are obvious here as it’s all over your car.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I think it’s definitely possible for a workplace to make you sick. A few years ago, I was moved to a library branch with a notoriously bad air conditioning system and a known air pollution problem in the area. I had low-grade but definitely obtrusive headaches that would last the entire work day but then vanish when I went home for the day. This persisted for the first month of working there. I was just about to see a doctor when the problem vanished and never resurfaced. (I did get a full physical a few weeks later, and everything came up normal.) I’ll never know for sure, but I’m thinking it was due to something in the air at the new workplace and my body somehow adjusted. Hope the same happens for you.

      I’ve also had chemical cleaning products at work cause all sorts of nasty reactions including something like what you described. In addition to the new furnishings giving off fumes, it possible your new office is being cleaned a different way than your old one?

      1. MissDisplaced*

        It’s very possible. Plus there is still construction going on in the second floor and who knows what they’re doing.

        I’m hoping the carpet and furniture will air out eventually. Not sure how long it takes? It’s a shame the windows can’t be opened in the meantime.

    2. fposte*

      You can just find some airborne stuff irritating even if you’re not technically allergic to them; I have non-allergic rhinitis (tested for allergies, allergic to nothing) that goes nuts in my garden, for instance. Claritin and Allegra don’t really help with that, because the irritation response isn’t a histamine response. It’s not even necessarily chemicals; it could be airborne fibers from carpet installation or dust from other construction. Look into topical nasal sprays like Flonase or Dymista, and Nasalcrom is a great OTC spray you can use on top of those. Also consider doing a Neti pot when you get home.

    3. NicoleK*

      Yes, it’s possible the office is making you sick. I’m sensitive to alot of scents and etc. For me, the smell of fresh paint and the new carpet makes me ill. At a previous job, when the carpet was replaced, I took a couple of days off and worked from home. I also went in and vacuum the carpet in my office with baking soda.

    4. Square Root Of Minus One*

      That’s actually a real possibility. Brand new furniture usually means pollutants haven’t been washed out or aired out.
      Some (many) of these pollutants might be allergens, and if you’re already prone to allergies it’s likely you’re sicker than your coworkers who aren’t.
      Consult an allergologist.

      1. Goose Lavel*

        Everything from the building to the furniture is out gassing and could be creating a visible toxic smog that you are breathing in and exposing you to variety of dangerous chemicals.

        My neighbor recently bought a new leather sectional from Amazon. It expells the aroma of rubber cement and curing urethane exoxy. It still smells like this after 8 months and I have to limit my time in his house because of the headaches it gives me.

      2. MissDisplaced*

        I know I’ve smelled that kind of thing with new furniture before but “Ikeaing” never made me feel sick or get a sore throat. One or two pieces of furniture might be fine, but when it’s the whole office that’s new it’s too much and overwhelms my immune system.

    5. Anon this time*

      This happened to me and others in an office I worked in that was being renovated. It can ABSOLUTELY make you sick. VERY sick. Worst-case, you can die or be left with permanent health conditions as a result.

      The CDC has warned for quite some time about offgassing volatile organic compounds (VOC) from paint and carpet tile and fine particulate construction debris that can cause permanent damage to your eyes and lungs and in the worst case kill you. If you Google “CDC VOC” or “CDC NIOSH” you’ll find more information (I don’t want to put a link and throw this into moderation).

      Please go see a doctor ASAP and tell them specifically that the symptoms began after your company moved into a new building with new paint and carpet tile that is still being renovated and you’re worried that you’re reacting to the VOCs and/or fine particulate construction debris that hasn’t been scrubbed from the HVAC.

      This isn’t just “complaining”; it’s potentially risking people’s lives. I wish I didn’t speak from personal experience.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        You make a good point. I don’t want to seem crazy, so I’ll see if it affects me again this week. If it does, I’m saying something! There’s no way it’s a coincidence at that point.

        The company is being heavy handed because they spent money on a fancy office and thus expect asses in seats. I’m afraid to say it might be making me sick because the open office isn’t popular.

        1. Anon this time*

          I would call out sick at the first occurrence, see a doctor ASAP, and have medical documentation in hand before you say a word to the company, to be honest. Especially if they’re being heavy-handed.

          Toxic building syndrome is a known hazard. As my doctor explained when my symptoms became severe enough that I couldn’t even walk a short distance without gasping for breath and went for emergency treatment, repeated long-term exposure to VOCs and fine particulate debris can both damage and sensitize the lungs and eyes to the point where even minor repeated exposure could be fatal.

          To be brutally honest, the symptoms you describe were identical to mine at first; according to my doctor, I could have died. I know that sounds melodramatic from a stranger on the Internet. But when your doctor is ordering emergency chest X-rays to be read within half an hour and you’re told to sit in their waiting room until the results come in and the radiologist’s assistant hand-carries the results to the doctor…yeah. I wasn’t the only person that severely affected, either.

          Don’t be me.

          Other things I’d recommend based on experience: If you can’t call out sick and can afford to do so, buy a HEPA-level air purifier and put it next to you. I’d also recommend wearing an air-filtering mask if they’re still doing construction. Amazon sells construction-grade masks that are better than surgical masks for this type of issue.

          I know that will cause a ruckus, but again, don’t be me.

    6. DrTheLiz*

      “Sick room syndrome” is a real thing. I get it in my FIL’s car and it’s a year and a half old at this point I think? Can your office manage 1. a formaldehyde monitor (serious health risks in the long term and the less you’re exposed the better) 2. leave the windows open over a weekend, so they won’t be freezing people but will be able to air the place out thoroughly?

      1. MissDisplaced*

        My new car didn’t bother me, but I nearly always open the windows a crack.

        Unfortunately the windows at the office do not open. Personally, I think they should’ve waited another week or two for airing out, but I think the lease was up and it got urgent and rushed.

        I’ve never had this happen and I thought I was crazy at first. But everyday I’ve had headaches and burning eyes/nose.

    7. Lime green Pacer*

      It might be the office. Back in the Bad Old Days, I worked in an office where smoking was allowed. Every weekday, my throat would be sore and dry, to the point where I would tuck a sugar-free candy in my cheek at night to get some sleep. (Bad idea. I didn’t choke, but it wasn’t great for my teeth.) My symptoms improved on the weekends.

      I didn’t realize what was going on until the office went smoke-free and I stopped having problems.

      Maybe log your symptoms and see if the pattern persists?

    8. WS*

      Had the same problem when a new carpet was installed at work. It took about two weeks before I could work in that area again. Other people have given you good research to follow so I will just express my sympathy and let you know it’s not just you!

    9. YetAnotherUsername*

      Most new furniture and carpets have fire retardant chemicals in them which need to evaporate upon first use. (it’s called out gassing). It should be OK after 3 days but with a huge amount in a new open plan office maybe there’s not enough ventilation to let all the gases escape. Try opening all the windows as much as your colleagues will allow. The fumes should evaporate.

      These fumes are toxic and can cause cancer, but the levels are typically so low and of such a short duration that it’s not a concern. However since you have allergies perhaps you are extra sensitive.

      Look up outgassing and fire retardant chemicals.

    10. MissDisplaced*

      Thanks everyone for your suggestions. It’s good to hear that it may not be me and/or allergies and that it’s happened to others suddenly in a new ir renovated office. Unfortunately, as this is something of an allergy season here, I really wasn’t sure if it was the office or not, but being in the new office does exacerbate the condition perhaps if one has allergies.

      I’m going to test things this week to see if better or worse. The out gassing should be temporary and not last for weeks, right?

  43. WellRed*

    Well seasoned travelers: travel insurance. Assume I know nearly nothing. Where do I research it? Buy it? Will it cover if I have to cancel trip due to, say a job change? This is for a trip to NOLA in December.

    1. Book Lover*

      There is trip insurance and travel/evacuation insurance. I am not aware of any insurance that covers canceling due to a job change. You typically have to provide medical records/letters from a doctor that you are physically unable to travel. That is what I am aware of, anyhow. Look up AmEx, Travel Guard, Med Jet.

    2. Max Kitty*

      Look for websites that compare various travel insurance plans. They will lay out the terms of the plans and let you compare. Some plans may cover loss of a job, but what you may want to look for is “Cancel for Any Reason” insurance, which will let you cancel for whatever reason. Check the Cancel for Any Reason terms carefully-may cover only 75% or 80% or something like that, or may have a deadline of a day or two before the trip (so you couldn’t just wake up that morning and decide not to go and get your money back).

      Think about what costs may be non-refundable (airfare, hotel, tickets) that you would need reimbursement for (a lot of things might not be totally non-refundable, like you might be able to use some portion of airfare less a change fee). The really big issue probably is health coverage. Do you know what coverage your regular insurance may offer if you have an emergency while traveling?

      Many credit cards offer some travel coverage, so check yours and see if any non-refundable costs that you charged on those cards could help defray the cost of a cancellation.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      You can check with a current benefits provider you have. Ours we have through work also offers travel insurance coverage and I think we just have to opt in.

    4. Dan*

      Well seasoned traveler here (I think anyway… been to 30 countries on 6 continents.)

      Spoiler: I rarely buy travel insurance; I probably bought it two or three times in my life.

      First question, what do you want to insure, and why? You actually need to be very clear about this with yourself, and then read the fine print on policies (yes, really) to make sure that you have coverage for the things you want. Too many people “buy insurance” without reading the policy, and think they’re covered for *anything*. It doesn’t usually work that way — cheap policies cover fewer things, have higher deductibles, etc. Policies that cover “everything” aren’t cheap, and even then, many only reimburse like 90% of the overall cost.

      As for why I don’t buy insurance very often. For the most part, you buy insurance to protect against financial loss. I do most of my travel with frequent flyer miles and refundable hotel stays. If my trip cancels, I’m out $150 to get my miles back (depending on the program) and it costs nothing to cancel the hotels. My medical insurance through work has coverage for “emergency medical care” which is pretty much all I need. So what’s there to protect? It is true that as the trip gets closer, I may have purchased non-refundable airfare within the country/region I’m traveling to, or maybe I found some good deals on pre-paid hotel rooms. But even then, I’m not insuring $2,000 worth of non-refundable expenses incurred a month out.

      There are times where I will buy supplemental medical and/or evacuation insurance. If I’m traveling to places off the beaten path, or doing outdoor adventure things (e.g., traveled to Nepal, or a Safari in Africa) then I’ll get that extra coverage, and sometimes the tour operator even requires it.

      As for where to get started, look at squaremouth dot com. They’re an aggregator for travel insurance policies.

      1. WellRed*

        It’s my mom that wants it for some reason. Me, I figure worst case scenario I just lose airfare in the unlikely event something should happen. Hotels can usually be cancelled and there is no car rental or anything else upfront. Closest thing I’ll be doing to a safari is a swamp tour ; )

        1. Dan*

          In which case I’d say skip it. You *can* (and probably should) go to the site I referenced to get a sense of what types of policies are out there, what they cover, and what they cost, and decide if the costs are worth it.

          But I have this strong suspicion that your mom wants to buy a policy for the *feeling* of being protected, will get something cheap that doesn’t cover much/reimburse much, and then get frustrated that the policy didn’t cover some “normal” thing that went wrong. Rule of thumb with premiums: Things that are unlikely to occur will have lower premiums. Conversely, things that are likely to occur cost a lot. I can get behind a “peace of mind” argument (that’s real), but buying a cheap policy without reading fine print is just buying a feeling, not *actual* peace of mind.

          For a (real) example on the fine print: Say you were flying to Hong Kong and your flight got cancelled due to the protests. Your insurance will only cover the costs if your policy covers “disruptions due to civil unrest” and even then, you’d likely have had to have purchased the policy before the political situation deteriorated. You can’t just naively buy a policy and expect the protests to be a “covered reason.”

    5. Filosofickle*

      I’ll put in a good word for Allianz, based on limited experience. I had a big international trip this summer, and bought flight insurance from them (offered through the airline when I bought the ticket). Only on those tickets, not whole-trip. I was injured a few days before the trip and had to cancel. They were incredibly easy to deal with, much to my surprise. Had my doc fill out a form, uploaded a couple of PDFs, and poof within a few days the money was back in my account. It was a medical emergency, pretty much the most straightforward of the “covered reasons” so probably the easiest scenario.

      I’d never bought any insurance before, but am extremely glad I did this time and will be learning more about trip insurance for future big-ticket trips. Most of the time on domestic trips I favor cancellable hotels (even if it costs more) and airlines that are more flexible with credit / refunds so it’s not as necessary.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I travel a lot, and here are the three things I do, depending on the circumstances:

      1) Self-insure. I buy plane tickets that allow me to cancel or change with no penalty. My favorite for this is Southwest Air, because that’s part of their deal. Other airlines you have to buy higher-priced tickets so sometimes that’s not worth it. I also make hotel reservations that have a generous cancelation policy, preferable a 24-hour one.

      2) Trip insurance. This covers only the one trip you’re planning, and it can have exclusions or requirements that make it unsuitable for you, so read the contract carefully. I’ve only used my trip insurance once, and it was when I’d developed a UTI the day before my trip. The insurance company did not in fact require me to submit documentation and just refunded my airfare, but that might be because I was only claiming airfare and it was only a few hundred dollars. I’m not recommending this, but if you’re willing to fib a little bit I think you can probably get a sufficient doctor’s note if you really need to cancel a trip.

      3) Travel insurance. Recently my family has purchased a year’s worth of insurance from Chubb. The terms looked to me pretty similar to the individual trip insurance. (I’m not an insurance expert, so I might be mixing up the terms. One product you buy to cover just one trip, and the other covers all your travel for the year.) We used that when our air carrier went bankrupt, and the process was pretty seamless. I would definitely recommend this for someone who travels a lot, or who has a lot of travelers in the family. The product we purchased covers us and our grown kids.

    7. MissGirl*

      I just returned from a two-week trip and I bought travel insurance. It really depends on what you’re doing and wanting it for. One big reason for me was the largest expense I had wasn’t the flight, it was the expenses associated with booking through a travel group. I also wanted something to cover if I had any medical emergencies. The insurance would’ve covered my medical, including the expense of evacuation home. I was doing things like trekking, biking, etc.

      Another thing it carried, which I appreciated, was insurance against if I got fired or was injured and had to cancel the trip. I don’t think you’d find one to cover quitting a job as that’s a choice not a circumstance. Like all insurance, it may pay off to have it or it may not. Going without might it is a risk, but only you can decide if it’s a risk worth taking.

      It wasn’t as expensive as I thought it would be. I paid $150 for a $4K trip. I used Generali. You can submit all your information and get a quote on different plans.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        It’s important to note that cancellation insurance and medical insurance are two separate things. When travelling internationally, I always get medical coverage that covers on trip medical expenses, plus medical evacuation and if you need someone to fly out to you (also repatriation insurance to return your body if you die abroad). Things to check for these – do they cover risky activities (like rock climbing), do you need to consult with them before getting treatment, are there exemptions for pre-existing conditions (note that pregnancy is a pre-exisiting condition and if you go into early labour on vacation you will probably have to pay the whole bill). I’ve used World Nomads before, because they can handle the situation where you don’t live in your country of citizenship, and need coverage when travelling back.

        Trip insurance covers things like tickets and theft, and I typically don’t get it. The cheaper the plan the less it covers – you may find that you need to be too sick to physically get on the airplane, rather than simply ill, for example. Cancellation insurance for any reason is going to be pricey. Theft insurance is similar – I read the fine print on a policy, and it covered getting mugged and that was it. It didn’t cover theft of belongings not physically in your possession (like from a hotel room), and didn’t cover it if you didn’t notice the theft (like getting pickpocketed). So i don’t bother.

        For hotels, on booking.com and the like you can often pay a little more for a ticket that can be cancelled fairly close to last minute with minimal penalties, and you can often negotiate an emergency cancellation with the hotel itself when you’ve booked directly. With airfare, fully refundable tickets tend to be pricey (they’re used mostly for business travel), but you can often get airline credit for a cancelled trip, or rebook for a fee.

    8. Searching*

      I generally buy travel insurance only when I travel abroad. If you do decide to get travel insurance, I recommend a site like squaremouth (dot) com to compare policies. I usually rank them from cheapest to most expensive, and then look for the features I need and start eliminating the ones that don’t have them. Before I buy, I read the actual policy. Also, most policies have a “free look” period after you buy where you can get a refund.

      Pay attention to the pre-existing conditions clauses. Often you have to buy within x number of days following your trip purchase in order to waive the pre-existing exclusions. It doesn’t have to be just your own pre-ex conditions – if you cancel because your mom lands in the hospital, they may look at HER medical history in deciding whether to pay out.

  44. Everdene*

    Morning everyone! Earlier in the week someone mentioned dificulty finding jeans that fit as a curvy woman – I didn’t want to derail but I have your solution!

    For about 3 years I was constantly hunting for a proper pair of women’s jeans. The rise in ‘jeggings’ and ‘skinny fits’ meant all I could find were various types of denim lool leggings. Eventually about 18 months ago (during an airing of my frustration in the Levi store) I was encouraged to try on a pair of men’s 501s. They are awesome. The key is to go up a waist size to your normal jeans to accommodate hips and bums. How the tailoring magic works is beyond me, but these men’s jeans fit me better than any women’s jeans have in several years. And they are the right length. As a bonus the pockets are also more functional and they wear better. It would take a lot now for me to go back to shopping on the women’s side of the shop. Good luck jeans hunting everyone!

    2. MOAS*

      Nice! I’ve been contemplating getting men’s jeans. But my body is different, I’m an apple shape with narrow hips and big stomach. Maybe the narrow hips will help w men’s clothes.

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Curvy pear or curvy apple? I cannot see how men’s pants would fit my large hips without being way too big in the waist, but I’m certainly game to try.

      I usually buy my pants at the thrift stores, which means trying on a ton of ‘no way’, but also means I can get older styles. I actually fit perfectly in the first pair of black pants I tried on at the thrift store this week. It was amazing, but also slightly twilight zone.

      1. Everdene*

        I am more hourglassy then a fruit tbh! I was sceptical initally but honestly the jeans that fit my hips somehow fit my waist and I didn’t have that gaping bit at the back. Usually my waist is a size smaller than my hips. Give it a try!

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          I’ll have to try it! Don’t need any more pants since my thrift store haul, but it’s always great to know where to find them.

          Still makes utterly no sense. Dudes usually have less hip than even women with not much hip. Why are their pants built to house large hips?

          On the other hand, why should it make sense? No other aspect of pants-buying is logical.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      I put on a pair of my bfs jeans the other day and OMG they were so roomy and.I.could.BREATHE. Haven’t done that years of skinny jeans wearing.

    5. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      how do the men’s compare to the 501s for women? i have two pairs of the women’s 501s (in non-stretch and low-stretch denim) and had the waist taken in on both. sadly, both are just too “crotchy.” there’s extra fabric floating around the crotch (which remains from when the waist was bigger). so the jeans still have that awkward tight-on-thighs-yet-suddenly-roomy-where-thighs-end transition area even though the waist now fits. do the men’s somehow not have this? i’ve never tried on a pair of men’s pants that weren’t too long in the crotch for me (and i am neither short nor short-waisted).

      the thing that also gets me in the eternal quest to avoid skinny jeans is that for some reason companies have decided that if you want non-stretch denim you must also want a cropped ankle. that looks dumb on me! GAH. if someone ever invents time travel, the first thing i will do (after killing hitler) is go back to the 90s/early 2000s to buy pants.

  45. What I’m mad about today*

    Someone in one of my keto groups posted that a popular chain stopped making their favorite keto style pizza because corporate disnt allow it anymore.

    People in the comments pointed out how they can make it at home, get corporates attention to make this a product but don’t blast the location to get them in trouble.

    That last part wasn’t so well received and so many “but the customer is always rightttttt” “but they did it beforeeeeee”. And yes. They are all Karen’s. The amount of entitlement is so gross.

    1. notmyusualname*

      I’m a recovering grocery store manager. This happens with every single big food/diet trend. If it’s not “Why do these specialty ingredients cost so much???” it’s “Why did you quit making (certain niche product that usually goes out of date unless this one customer buys it)?” or “I don’t to special order take me to your managerrrr!”
      Atkins going mainstream in the early 00’s was the worst.

      1. What I’m mad about today*

        Idk if keto is a trend, or it’s just at the forefront of my life because I’m in several keto groups. Like I get wanting options but come on, think for a second…it’s in stark contrast to my diabetes/obesity group that was going crazy over this Limited edition low carb bread sold at aldis..however the discussions focused on writing to corporate, speaking (nicely!!!!) to the store manager to make it a permanent product.

        This person just kept saying but I wannnnnt itttttttttt. And they were all a specific type of person.

        Anyways all the comments telling the OP to not report it ended up getting deleted.

      1. myug*

        Hm, I get where you are coming from but I think it’s such a ubiquitous experience that it won’t die off soon unless someone comes up with a new name for it. Because I understood perfectly what kind of person OP meant when she said ‘Karen’ without needing any further explanation.

        Maybe ‘real housewives of X syndrome,’ like the shows, would be more appropriate to describe it?

  46. Seifer*

    So… I bought a house! The carpet has to go, the kitchen is terribly laid out, all of the appliances and fixtures are original to the house and therefore pushing 30 years old, some of the window seals have started to give, some of the electrical has started to crap out, but oh my goodness. The light that it gets is amazing and there’s a huge two car garage that will fit all of my tools. And plus, renovation projects bring me joy.

    I never thought I’d own a whole ass house before I’m thirty, but here I am at twenty-seven, with a whole ass house.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Congrats! I am trying not to get distracted looking at houses, but there’s one that just fell into my price range (plaid carpet in the basement and a knotty pine family room… sigh). Have fun with the renovations!!!!

          1. Seifer*

            Thanks! I’m going to have so much fun haha. And YES, you can just scuff up the varnish a little so that primer will adhere and then paint it. I mean. Not that you should buy a house on a whim. But like. You have options hahahah.

        2. Kuododi*

          I was listening to Jeanne Robertson yesterday. (Comedian from deeeep North Carolina.) She described shiplap as: “Planks you nail on the wall after the barn falls down!!!)

          She’s absolutely hysterical!!! Enjoy.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Hooray!

      I highly recommend the whole ass house experience. They are so much better than half-ass houses.

      But seriously, congrats.

      1. Seifer*

        Hahahaha I lived the half ass house experience by renting a house. It was so hard to go back to apartment living after I knew what it was like to live in my own house with my own garage and stuff. I had like, a tantrum after I had to move back into an apartment about how much money I was wasting on rent and how when I move out of the apartment, I’m going to own it about as much as the next schmuck that moves in, AKA NOT AT ALL. So now. The whole ass house experience.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I live in a house full of the previous owner’s half-ass DIY projects, and yes, I would imagine it would be better if she had used her whole ass (and less duct tape, or more painter’s tape, at various separate points).

  47. Washi*

    Hypothetical situation that hopefully stays hypothetical: I have a very close friend, Ellen. About a year ago, her new friend Kayla came to Ellen’s birthday party. As we left Ellen’s house to walk over to a bar, Ellen was up ahead of me, and a couple of us got talking with Kayla towards the back of the group. Kayla randomly launched into a rant about Ellen’s new boyfriend, how he is lazy and unmotivated and not good enough for Ellen, and Ellen should break up with him asap. The rest of us were pretty surprised and defended the boyfriend, and I didn’t talk to Kayla much the rest of the night.

    Since then, Kayla and Ellen have become good friends, and she’s been nice in all my interactions with her, but I cannot get over my horrible first impression and don’t really trust Kayla. My goal is that Ellen will never notice that I dislike Kayla, but in the past I’ve always been very enthusiastic about getting to know Ellen’s other friends, and it is possible at some point Ellen will notice the discrepancy. If Ellen were to ask me if I like Kayla/why I don’t like Kayla, I have no idea what I would say. Should I fib and say that Kayla’s fine? That’s she’s just not my cup of tea? Tell the truth about what she said?

    1. Washi*

      Also potentially relevant: said boyfriend is lovely and currently employed full time, but there was a period where he quit a job he hated and did some freelance stuff while living with his parents, which is what Kayla was referring to as lazy and unmotivated.

    2. fposte*

      What’s Kayla been like since then? I don’t know that I’d write her off solely based on one unconsidered moment that seems mostly to be defense of her friend a year ago. If she generally bugs you every time you see her, that’s another matter, but I’d consider letting that rant go and trying to see her with fresh eyes.

      I don’t know how your friend circle operates, but I can’t imagine anybody I know asking me if I like or why I don’t like their friend. I would certainly see no need to report a year-old blurt to Ellen. If for some reason Ellen presses you on this, you can say that you don’t really jell with her as well as you do with Ellen’s friends Lavinia and Tangerina, but she seems like a really loyal friend.

      1. Washi*

        She’s been perfectly nice since then. I guess I just can’t get over the fact that she felt like it was ok to trash talk Ellen’s boyfriend behind her back, at Ellen’s birthday party, especially since she hardly knew Ellen at this point and she certainly didn’t know the rest of us.

        But you’re right, better to just give a vague excuse! Ellen is one of my very best friends and we tend to be pretty blunt with each other, so it is possible she’ll ask, but yeah, I’m hoping it never comes up.

        1. valentine*

          I assumed Ellen heard at the time and would feel treasonous for keeping it from her. I would either have shut Kayla down while calling Ellen’s attention to it or never interacted with Kayla again. I wouldn’t have defended the boyfriend, either, though, because you never know. I would file away Kayla’s assessment, just in case.

          I don’t see why you wouldn’t just tell Ellen the real reason. To me, being able to say that is part of the point of friendship, especially when it’s a way of defending Ellen.

          1. fposte*

            I’d have told Ellen if Kayla had been trashing Ellen, or if she’d been telling Ellen’s secrets. But not liking Ellen’s boyfriend? I don’t see that as a big deal.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Don’t fib.

      If she asks, you can say something general like, “We kind of got off on the wrong foot at first, she seemed very negative. She’s been perfectly nice since then, but I guess first impressions are hard to shake.”

  48. Scarlet Letter*

    I’ve realized that I can only relax and be myself around men I’m attracted to if I believe they are unavailable. How do I break through this mental barrier so I can relax with men who are available?

    I’ve never had a lot of luck attracting men I liked. Emphasis on men I’m attracted to and not men in general. As a result, I don’t have a ton of relationship experience, but I have had a couple of relationships.

    I am a shy person, but have no problem getting to know a guy, flirt, and be myself when I don’t view him as a romantic prospect. I realize I should just try and pretend that no guy I’ve just met is a romantic prospect, but those kinds of mind games never work for me, as I clearly know I’m attracted to the guy.

    For a long time I just felt that most of the guys I was attracted to were out of my league, so why bother? They probably wouldn’t want me anyways.

    I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and a pretty odd background and interests. I think I might downplay this with guys I’m attracted to because I know my slightly unusual personality doesn’t appeal to everyone. Of course, I feel like I do this a bit with all new people I meet until I’m sure it won’t scare them off or offend them and that hasn’t prevented me from making friends.

    So how do I pinpoint what I’m doing wrong? And how do I get past whatever I’m doing so I can be my normal, charming, offbeat self?

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Very familiar with this – a friend. It required – for her – counseling to help change the patterns and thinking. There may be other options, but if it helps – she did pursue talking it through with someone, worked on things for a while, and is now in a really good, solid marriage with a guy (12 years!). He’s not the type she wouldn’t have been able to sustain a relationship with in her previous approach. So there is hope… and it was well worth the time invested. She thought it was going to be forever to “fix” herself (she started counseling when she was 28) but it paid big dividends to make the investment in the counseling.

    2. Elena*

      You don’t worry about rejection from the guys you know aren’t available. If they don’t reciprocate there’s a reasonable explanation (and if they do, they’re not good people). So it sounds like it’s down to insecurity. You seem to be aware of this already though, given your comment about them being out of your league. It’s not so much about readjusting your mindset to ‘I’m not attracted to this person’, but rather ‘even if they don’t reciprocate, that’s not a reflection of my value as a person’.

    3. YetAnotherUsername*

      I think cognitive behavioral therapy would be perfect for you. It’s all about identifying the thoughts and actions that cause problems for you and retraining your brain to stop them. You have already done the first step of identifying the problematic thoughts so only a few sessions should sort you out and it’s very cheap compared to psychiatry.

  49. Marguerite*

    This is embarrassing, but here it goes. My armpits get very itchy. I’ve tried changing shaving creams, razors, deodorants, etc. There are some bumps from shaving, but they still itch and the skin gets red. I’m not sure if I should see my dermatologist. Has anyone had this? I feel weird having to itch them. Any thoughts?

    1. fposte*

      I’m not seeing that you’ve tried anything to soothe the irritation. What happens if you moisturize? What happens if you *don’t* shave for a while? What happens if you put some OTC steroid ointment on the itch?

      1. LongestDay*

        Those were my first thoughts too. I had itchy armpits temporarily at some point, so I started using a moisturizing cream on them after showering, and I only shave them every few days. I also switched from using shaving cream to just using a hair conditioner on my armpits because I’d seen that advice somewhere.

        For the razor bumps, maybe start using a cleanser with salicylic acid (like the one Cerave makes) to help exfoliate dead skin. Are you changing your razor often enough? Do you sanitize it with alcohol after every use?

    3. Alex*

      I have random bouts where I am allergic to my deodorant and I get itchy. I then switch to Almay Hypoallergenic deodorant, unscented. Regular unscented deodorant isn’t mild enough. Once it calms down I can usually go back to my regular for a while. I don’t really like the Almay because it is a gel, and that isn’t my preferred medium for deodorant, but it is both extremely mild but also effective.

      Maybe stop shaving for a little bit to see if that helps?

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’ve had this. In my experience, I either need to stop shaving, or shave every day. I use as mild a soap as possible, apply an OTC cortisone ointment immediately after shaving (just until the symptoms subside), and use a mild, unscented deodorant.

    5. KayEss*

      My armpits stopped constantly itching like crazy when I switched from antiperspirant to plain deodorant, whether because of some antiperspirant ingredient or because antiperspirant dries out your skin more than just deodorant. I was worried it would make me sweatier but it didn’t actually make a huge difference.

      Before that, my mom suggested also changing up things like fabric softener because that was an itchy armpit problem for her (but I already wasn’t using any). Your armpits press up against the fabric of your clothes a lot more so any residue on the clothes can cause problems there even if the rest of your body is fine.

    6. Melody Pond*

      The human body is supposed to have hair under the armpits – your skin might be especially ill-suited for what is generally a cosmetic habit in our society, and you might be fighting a losing battle. Would you ever consider switching from shaving to trimming? I did that a few years ago, and it’s been marvelous.

      Disclaimer – I do live in a big city in the Pacific Northwest where this is not too uncommon (for women not to shave their underarms), so I get that depending on the norms where you live, this might be a tougher leap for you than it was for me. :)

      1. Reba*

        Yes, that’s what I do too, and it’s weird where I am but I just go for it. :) I also don’t shave my legs. But I’m otherwise feminine-presenting so maybe that helps me get away with it? My skin was always gnarly from shaving.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      About the deodorants, there are some extremely common ingredients that can cause that kind of reaction. An RN friend of mine narrowed it down by chemical. She has more than one she avoids, for her it’s Tom”s of Maine liquid or just rubbing alcohol.

    8. Holy Carp*

      I’ve had itchy pits, too. It seems to occur when I shave too hastily or dry-shave. I figured it was a mild skin fungus, and tried an OTC anti-fungal creme, which worked.

    9. Soupspoon McGee*

      It might be fungus. Try a topical anti-fungal cream. Fungus loves moist areas like armpits. Follow up with something like Gold Bond powder to keep the area dry. Stop shaving while you treat them, and replace your razors.

    10. anon24*

      Do you put on deodorant right after shaving? I actually don’t use shaving cream at all because it always makes my skin red, bumpy and itchy and I never put on deodorant after shaving. You’re actually supposed to wait a few hours! I never knew this and my arm pits were always bumpy and irritated (for years) and when I stopped using deodorant right after shaving it cleared right up.

  50. Marketing Project funk*

    Howdy AAM! Want to pick your brain if you’re feeling creative this morning. Marketing project: Pick a US product/company to expand into a new international market. I was going to do Blue Apron bc that industry is getting crowded but my professor didn’t like that… other ideas were Chipotle in Spain, Red Robin in SE Asia. I’m kind of hitting my head against the wall bc I thought I had a good case with Blue Apron.

    2. Nicki Name*

      The internet equivalent of staircase wisdom is the thought that strikes right after you hit “Submit”…

      How about picking a company related to your favorite hobby? You can make a good case for something you’re already enthusiastic about.

      1. Marketing Project Funk*

        He thought they lacked core competencies that could transfer abroad. I like Blue Apron and thought it would be interesting but since this is half my grade, I figured I wouldn’t challenge it. Doesn’t have to be food.

    4. Dan*

      Word of warning: AAM is likely going to bust you for posting a school question on Saturday… she’s pretty strict about “no work/no school”.

    6. Marcy*

      Hey just ran across an article about introducing Texas bbq to Sweden. Maybe another US regional food – Chicago pizza or New Orleans food or Tex Mex – would be a good choice?

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I’ve seen a lot of things like this appearing in the UK recently. American BBQ (usually claim to be Tennessee or Texas style, it seems), Chipotle knock offs, fancy hot dogs, Mexican “street food”, Taco Bell, etc. It would be nice to see Cajun or maybe something like American bratwurst. You can get brats here but the ones I’ve found are not quite the same.

        Oh, and breakfast food like biscuits and gravy and grits would be fun to see in the UK. I have never met anyone who didn’t make a face when I tried to explain the concept but everyone I know who’s tried real ones loved them. The problem is finding the right kind of sausage. British sausage is made differently and doesn’t quite taste right.

        1. IT Squirrel*

          Yes! I am fascinated by the idea of biscuits and gravy but it’s something we just Do Not Have over here.

          So something like that where it’s not a variation of something already in the country, but something completely new that you can’t recreate there because the right ingredients just aren’t available.

    7. AcademiaNut*

      Not quite US, but bringing Tim Horton’s to East Asia (please!). I’d love to see Chipotle or something similar here too – we’ve got good pizza and burgers, KFC, Chilis, TGI Fridays, McDonalds, Burger King, Subway, Quiznos, DQ, but even inauthentic American Mexican is hard to find.

  51. JDC*

    Lying around in pain today. Yesterday I was stepping over the chicken wire in our garden we have up to keep the rabbits out and I slipped and fell onto it. It sliced a huge cut in between my second and third toe which resulted in stitches. Numbing needles in your toes is a feeling I don’t wish to feel ever again. Lying here with my foot up as it is aching a lot today. I know better than to do that in sandals and surely learned the lesson.

    Luckily it’s a rainy weekend so I don’t feel bad about lying around being lazy.

      1. Jdc*

        Thanks! Husband said he’s taking me to a nice steakhouse and movie tonight to make me feel better. Woohoo.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Ice is a good pain reliever, as long as you’re putting your foot up anyway. Other than frostbite (around here the ice would melt too fast), there are no side effects or drug interactions to concern you.
      Sorry that happened to you.

      1. Jdc*

        Ya been icing it. The stitches are between two toes so it’s just awkward and I’m not feeling the pain from the impact, not so much the cut.

      1. Jdc*

        The numbing needles has me groaning in pain. I don’t mind needles but they surely weren’t meant to go in toes. I was cursing up a storm and squeezing my husbands hand hard.

  52. ADD Mom*

    I love to read comments from those who deal with ADD as adults on threads here on the site–it really helps me understand my daughter more. She’s a junior in high school this year and was officially diagnosed with ADD in 8th grade, but I’d been considering it since elementary school. She is very extroverted, loves doing a million things at once, loves taking on new projects, and takes twice as long to complete things as anyone I know. The hardest thing has always been the fact that it’s never been a problem at school. She’s bright, outgoing, and mostly gets good grades (but also has a billion tardies). At home, however, is where she falls apart, and sometimes trying to deal with her is exhausting. I’m much more introverted, schedule-oriented, and rigid than she is.

    When she was originally diagnosed she went through a period of really hating having a diagnosis because she didn’t want to have something wrong with her. We also tried a few different meds, but none of them worked very well for her. Plus, she’s usually OK during the day, but has a hard time in the evenings, and the timing of meds for evening focus meant she was up all night. We also tried counseling for a while, but the counselor we ended up with wasn’t a good fit for a number of reasons. My daughter definitely has anxiety on top of or related to ADD, and for the last two years has been having some digestive issues as well. We’ve been to several doctors and tried several different diets, but the consensus seems to be that she just needs to lower her stress and have better self-care by eating better, eliminating some activities, and sleeping more (and having a more regular schedule). For some people this might be easy, but it feels impossible for her.

    She’s a junior this year and is actually starting to do better about taking care of herself and managing her homework and activities. However, it’s only the beginning of the school year and I’m worried things aren’t going to stay on track. For those of you on here with ADD, what could your parents have done to help you in high school? What would be the best strategy to help her build some skills, especially since college is right around the corner? Also, any tips for going off to college and/or finding a career path that will work well for her?

    1. MMB*

      Have you tried Neuro or Bio feedback? It can be extremely helpful for some people and works for both anxiety and ADD. YMMV

    2. sequined histories*

      I don’t have ADD, but I teach teenagers. I don’t want to minimize your daughter’s challenges, but it’s not uncommon for teenagers—those with diagnoses and those without—to seem like a hot mess. It’s also not uncommon for them to improve their functioning over time despite the not-so-great results of many prior efforts to help them improve in various ways.
      FWIW I think you’re already doing everything right as a parent. You acknowledge that there are some diagnosable issues, you’re obviously trying to make sure your daughter has what she needs to thrive, and you’re able to change course when something isn’t helping.
      My one suggestion is: don’t neglect to address any anxiety you might be having about this. Yes, adulthood is around the corner, and that means you are about to release responsibility for managing all this almost entirely to your daughter. She needs your calm, supportive faith in her more than she needs a specific technique or intervention. I’m not saying don’t try anything new; I am saying a now-or-never mindset might do more harm than good.
      If all goes well, life is long.
      Most likely, your daughter is going to figure some of this out for herself.

    3. anonagain*

      Are you familiar with How to ADHD on Youtube?
      Also, consider skills coaching. If the counselor she worked with wasn’t a good fit, it’s okay to look for another.

      With college, having some skills in place first can be helpful. I wish I had taken time off between high school and college, because I really wasn’t ready.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      Regarding the evening focus issue, it might help to do her homework after school (or if she has a study hall period), especially the subjects requiring the most focus, instead of after dinner.
      I’m kind of the opposite, in that I focus really well later in the day. It used to drive me crazy that my mother would wait until half an hour after dinner, just when I was totally immersed in math or history or whatever, to demand help with the dishes. (Why not just get them done right away, for pity’s sake, if you want my help?) But that might be good for your daughter: half an hour of X; switch to Y for a while; switch to Z for a while; go back and finish X. Rinse and repeat.
      Most things can be broken into smaller chunks like that, with planning. Not if you leave 90% of a term paper until the night before it’s due, obviously, but that’s a bad approach for so many reasons…

    5. lasslisa*

      What are the problems she falls apart with in the evening? Which of them are critical and which ones can be waived or rescheduled?

      A lot of the stuff that works for me would make someone else crazy to live with. My method for getting chores done is to do them the minute I notice them, when they feel important, which means sometimes I’m mopping a sticky spot off the floors when I’m supposed to be going to bed. Back in school it meant a lot of homework got done in the class period immediately before.

      As an adult, it’s helped to look out over the next couple of days and say “When will I have time to do this?” Because otherwise I forget that the day before the paper is due, when I would normally be writing it, will be Tuesday evening and Grandma will be visiting or I will have basketball practice or whatnot.

      Deadlines motivate me but the feeling of urgency is really key to getting me started on a task, much more effective than any schedule that isn’t a habit. Being five minutes late is a habit that has followed me into adulthood – “I need to leave soon” is a thought I have while continuing to do whatever, but “I AM LATE” gets me to stand up and move. Honestly it hasn’t been a big deal, if I need to be early to something I can put in extra effort and get there fifteen minutes early and it’s fine. But when my spouse picks that as a battleground it sets me up for a ton of anxiety – you mean I’m supposed to plan for every element of leaving the house and add extra time between things and think in advance about whether I need to get gas first, EVERY TIME?? It’s really hard for me in a way it isn’t for him.

      Basically, she may never be “on track” the way you would be or would recognize, but if she’s getting it done and getting good grades then you may make her anxiety worse by also insisting she has to do it your way.

  53. Chilly*

    Hi all, I have Raynaud’s syndrome so my feet are typically cold year round, most noticeably at bed time. I cannot fall asleep if I have cold feet so I’ve been using an electric blanket. It works OK. It’s on the highest setting and it still takes 20 min or so to thaw them out. I’m just wondering if there are other techniques that you find faster. Thanks in advance!

    1. WellRed*

      My friends love “corn bags” just a pouch with corn kernels sewn in, heat in microwave. You could put right on your feet. Also, have you tried searching for heated socks? I feel like that’s a thing that exists.

      1. Anono-me*

        Heated socks do exist.

        Menards usually has some battery powered wool (or woolish) ones available during Christmas gift shopping season.

        Also, you may want to consider a dog. Nothing keeps you cozy warm like a dog or a cat sleeping on top of you. (Cats in my abet limit experience prefer to sleep on heads not feet.)

      1. NewReadinGlasses*

        This works well for me also. Just some kind of bin that you can soak your feet in works great also, if you don’t want to do a whole bath.

    3. fposte*

      My cold feet aren’t from Raynaud’s, so my thoughts might not work for you. But for me it’s key to keep the rest of the legs warm as well, even though it’s the feet where I feel it; I’ll use long underwear or a base layer a lot, and knee-high wool socks, in the evenings, and often I’ll keep those on in bed. I actually prefer a heating pad because I get overheated above the waist, but I also find the more surface area has contact with the cold areas the better it works, since the problem is my feet can’t really heat themselves up. You might, assuming your sensation is good enough to make this safe, try a “sandwich” with a heating pad underneath your feet.

      I’m also curious to see what other tips people have to offer.

    4. Llellayena*

      Wool socks? Toss them in the dryer for a bit just before putting them on before bed so they start out warm. If that’s not enough on its own, combine it with the electric blanket, but it should at least speed up the process.

      1. Reba*

        I like the dryer idea!

        I wear sheepskin booties inside the house, and in the wintertime often sleep in fleece socks by Acorn.

      1. Tau*

        Yes! The bag of kernels-of-some-sort just doesn’t stay warm as long. If I fill my water bottle with near-boiling water just before bed, it’ll still be slightly warm when I get up and I’ll have been warm and toasty all night.

    7. MMB*

      I put on a pair of socks and use a heating pad with auto shut-off. As others have mentioned soaking in a hot tub can help as well.

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      So, I inherited (unworn) some of those high compression anti-thrombosis socks, in a black knee high.
      I was wearing them during the day, and noticed my feet weren’t as cold at my desk. So I switched, and wear them at night (I am not sure you are suppose to wear them 24 hrs, not a doc, etc).
      My always cold feet (I am anemic) now stay warm at night!
      The really good ones are not cheap (I think $30 or so a pair, but they “might” be eligible for your HSA account)… but if you take care of them they last forever. I’ve been wearing them as knee highs now – or at night – for 6 years (same six pairs). (Don’t put them in the dryer). My frugality got me started (I knew they were very expensive and not returnable) but now I love them, and my legs are also less tired – it really does help the circulation.
      Also, I didn’t have the ability at the time to buy a heated mattress pad (and the rest of me was sleeping warm, just not the feet)… so I used to put the heating pad on the bed, warming up the foot area while I was getting ready for bed… until I got in. Already owned it, feet were toasty, and by the time the warmth wore off, I was asleep.
      YMMV.

    10. CoffeeforLife*

      I suffer from chronic cold hand/feet (tested as a kid for Reynaud’s) and I find that giving them a massage helps to warm them up plus it’s a bit of self love/care.

    11. Always Cold*

      I also have Raynaud’s. For me the key is not just wearing wool socks to bed, but putting them on a good half hour before I go to bed, so my feet are already warm before I go to sleep. If I put them on right when I go to bed, they take forever to warm up.

    12. chi chan*

      My grandmother used a heated sandbag. She had a thick cotton cover for it. She heated it in the oven and put it under the covers.

    13. Alex*

      I use a microwaved heating pad (mine has clay in it I think). I’ll warm this up as soon as my feet get cold in evening–no reason to wait for bed–and have it on my feet as I watch TV or read or am on my laptop or whatever. I also have a heated mattress pad. I’ll also sometimes take a hot shower right before bed to warm up. I have warm socks and shearling slippers and NEVER go barefoot in the winter.I find the trick to avoid having a Raynaud’s attack is to warm my feet up as soon as they start to feel a little cold.

    14. fhqwhgads*

      Hi. I have Raynaud’s. I wear ragwool socks. In winter, two pairs. If you don’t tend to wear long pajama pants to bed, try that too. Fleece pants in particular, a little on the long side (but not so much you’ll trip).

  54. something better than eap*

    hi all,

    do you know a service that is better than eap for stress/anxiety issues?

    i needed a free and private service that i can either use through email or anonymous posting.

    eap can’t have this type of service, they say they can only do phone and i don’t want to use my cellphone and my workphone is not in a private place.

    so far all i am using for ranting out my stress/anxiety is this blog and reddit.

    2. Lena Clare*

      In the UK you can access support and therapy for free from Mind and Sane charities online or face to face or telephone.

      Can you look at your country’s mental health charities and see what they offer? Most will have email support.

      There is also the Samaritans phone helpline for those with suicidal ideation.

    3. Ethyl*

      Check out a phone app called Sanvello (formerly Pacifica). The free version has CBT tools and guided meditation lessons, plus a community aspect as well as therapist referrals.

    4. Anon for this*

      So you’re saying you need a text based therapy service that is free? The free part is the tricky component. There are online therapists via services like better help but you have to pay. But it sounds like it would be worth the money compared to online ranting, which likely feels good in the moment but doesn’t promote lasting change and health.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Triple check that you can’t talk to the EAP service from home before or after work or over a scheduled lunch hour plus – is it exactly 9-5 in your time zone? (I’m west coast, and our EAP has to cover from 6 am eastern to 5 pm pacific, so I elected to chat from a scheduled home time slot early am).

      Maybe you can treat as a doctor’s appointment and take off, go to your car, drive away… park in the closest dr office lot, etc and have the call there. I think EAP (For us) is a limited number of visits – like 6, but they gave me very helpful resources (grief but yes, very personal and not something I wanted to chat about at work) and then I got 6 free sessions with a local counselor. I just had to get through the screening call at home/ “lunch hour”

    6. Una*

      If you’re interested in a mindfulness program, there’s a free online program for Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. I like it because MBSR has had actual clinical testing to back up its effectiveness. Google palouse mindfulness to find it.

  55. Markayrob*

    I live in not the safest neighborhood but I can’t can’t afford to move before my lease ends in March. There are two specific neighbors in my apartment complex who are basically always drunk or high, and are always making gross comments towards me like asking repeatedly if I’m still with my husband, telling me they saw my underwear the other day throigh my skirt, and just generally commenting on my appearance and making sexual references. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t want to leave my apartment when my husband isn’t home because I’m so anxious about running into one of them. It’s not at a point where I can call police about it or anything, not that level, but it’s really stressing me out and I’m not sure what to do.

    1. WellRed*

      Complain to the building management about it: sexual harassment, unsafe environment, drunken and disorderly tenants. If they won’t do anything about the assholes, they might let you out of the lease. Are there other women also being harassed?

      1. Markayrob*

        I’m not sure, I don’t know many of the neighbors but it wouldn’t surprise me. Thank you for that suggestion, it hadn’t occurred to me to talk to the leasing office and I think I’ll try that.

    2. Sleepy*

      That is horrible. First of all, you do not deserve this treatment.

      I agree with going to the leasing office. If they don’t help you, post about them on Yelp (after you move out, of course).

      Is there anything that would make you feel safer? Such as having a dog with you (if allowed), or taking a self-defense class.

      Are there other nicer, neighbors in the building you know? If not, maybe knock on their doors and introduce yourself. Find out when they’re usually at home. Know that if you’re being harassed, you have someone else whose door you can knock on to back you up.

    3. YetAnotherUsername*

      Agree with everyone else to talk to the leasing agency. Other thoughts include carrying mace or some other self defence thing, and taking up a martial art.

      How does your husband behave around them and how do they behave around him. Men like this often see women as “property” so they might respect your husband if he tells them to back off. But it really depends on whether they would feel intimidated by him or not. If he is not likely to intimidate them then I wouldn’t recommend he try it.

  56. OyHiOh*

    One of the things that’s long intrigued me about Neptune is the close strong friendships he’s maintained with a number of his former partners; two or three long term girlfriends, and his ex-wife. They talk regularly, interact on social media in thoughtful ways, he’s a god parent to at least a couple of the children they’ve had with other partners since. It’s not by accident but very intentional. In the cases I know about, they were good friends who decided to shift friendship to relationship and, with effort and deliberation, decided the friendship was worth maintaining when it became clear that being a couple wasn’t going to work. Given all the complexities Neptune and I bring to the table, seeing the possibility of maintaining a strong friendship even if “we” “don’t work out” (we’ve at least agreed we are a “we” this week; anything more than that is a conversational can we’re continuing to kick down the road while we each sort out speed bumps) is really comforting.

    I wrote a play last weekend. One act (15 and a half pages at the moment), about . . . people and memory . . . let’s say. Someone I know who, on 9/11, sketched the most beautifully simple series of sentence descriptions of people they knew who worked under the Twin Towers – vendors, clerks, and shopkeepers. It was like seeing a movie of the people and place my friend commuted to for close to two decades. Immediately engaging and something I just had to write about. But I write for stage, not screen, so I immediately stripped out all of the background detail and put the focus on the relationships these people had with each other, and a silent, visual commentary on oppressive systems. Friend has given me permission to use their name and “likeness” and a different friend who works for a local creative organization is helping me set up a table read of the script for specifically development and feedback, probably early November.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      snip: we’ve at least agreed we are a “we” this week
      That’s really great. It is so nice to have these updates where we can see your relationship grow. The play sounds wonderful, too.
      And yes, I have a friend who has remained good friends with the (best of) the guys she’s dated seriously in the past, and it has shown me that a good relationship, built on friendship (and not just superficial things) is about so much more than “dating” – it is a true friendship in her case. The breakups have been amicable and mature. The latter seems to be the key.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My brother worked in one of the other building at the WTC. He too spoke about vendors he used to see daily. The onemail that haunts me is the recent immigrant who was teaching him Turkish, one lunch chat at a time.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        And I hit enter too soon.
        Good on you 2 for wanting to stay friends. My husband &I are that way.

      2. OyHiOh*

        The one that catches me every time I open the document is “the security guard at the trading floor who said ‘good morning XYZ!’ (initials on my broker badge) and then demanded to see id, every morning.” Neptune was one of a tiny handful of black traders at the time and there’s something in the combination of familiarity, being instantly recognizable among peers, and no exceptions to the rules that stops my heart every time I see the dialogue.

  57. Christmas*

    My teen sister is getting out of control, and I’m tired of parenting our parent. I’m at my wit’s end.

    I’m in my thirties and am a teacher, so I’m used to teens and feel pretty fluent in their language as well as dealing with their behavior. However, my 16-year-old sister still lives with our dad and he’s given her ALL the power.

    For context: Sis was assaulted several years ago, so she gets tip-toed around due to being a “trauma kid.”
    She is very responsible and high-achieving (Works to pays for her car, has excellent grades in Honors/AP classes, involved in multiple school organizations, etc.) She is generally really mature, intelligent, responsible, and highly motivated. I can’t remember her ever needing to be punished for anything.

    However, this past year she’s started to get “too big for her britches.” To make a long story short, she bullies our dad. She berates him if he doesn’t provide all of her favorite foods in the house, so he takes her grocery shopping and lets her pick out whatever she wants, then later she still refuses to eat any of it and tells everyone that “he is starving his child”. She freaks out over little things like using the microwave when she needs it, or if anyone knocks on her bedroom door. When he tries to calm her down, she screams and cusses at him. When he asks her to stop cussing at him, she just does it more.

    She NEVER behaves this way with me! Ever! At my house, she eats what I give her and watches her mouth. I had a long come-to-Jesus talk with my dad about how shocked I am that he lets her get away with this! (When I was a kid, if I DARED disrespect him, it’d be scorched earth where I stood!) He seems to recognize that he is too soft on her, but he can’t bring himself to give her a consequence or even the patented Disappointed Dad Stare. Nothing.

    Well, now she’s done it. Sis cussed at ME last night when I asked her why the school is sending notifications of unexcused absences. She’s lucky she cussed at me on a text message, because if she’d done it to my face, I’d slap the living soul out of her body. I was so angry that I stopped speaking to her, and even blocked her number so I wouldn’t receive any more of her rants, lest I end up getting in my car to go deliver her an ass-whooping.

    We are ALL seeing therapists. What else can I do??? I feel like it’s just ass-whooping time. (I’m still angry.)

    1. WellRed*

      Are you having any family therapy sessions or is it all individual? You’re very angry about her swearing at you, almost overly so, but there’s bigger issues here. Also, I don’t think it’s helpful to compare parenting when kids are so far apart in age. Of course parenting styles/priorities will change, trauma or not. Take yourself out of this, and step back to get a bigger picture of what’s going on with sis.

      1. Christmas*

        It’s all individual. I am going to ask my dad to book us all a family counseling session.

        Now that you point it out, I’m actually not even mad about her cussing. I have a pretty bad mouth, myself. I’m really angry that, in addition to her disrespecting our dad and acting like a spoiled brat, she has escalated to disrespecting me. When I calmly asked her to explain why she’s having unexcused absences at school and refusing to explain herself to our dad, she called me “f***ing crazy.” That sent me to 100%.
        I’m also angry that it was such a horrible ordeal when she first reported the assault she suffered and a lot of people didn’t believe her…. but now, she’s lying to me and everybody saying that our dad “starves” her and “refuses to feed” her. That’s a horrible lie flat-out, but she should know it’s horrible to accuse someone of doing something they didn’t do. She obviously needs a lot of help, and is already in counseling and on medication to deal with her PTSD. But she has never been out of control like this… it’s like she hit 16 and lost her ever-loving mind.

        You are 110% about something else: I need to take myself out of this and step back. Because now I’m rolling in the proverbial mud too.

        1. fposte*

          Yes, when I read “I’m tired of parenting our parent. I’m at my wit’s end,” I think “Then why not stop?” You can absolutely set your rules for how she has to behave with you if she wants your time, and stand behind them if she can’t live up to them. FWIW, though, it sounds like your parents were pretty authoritarian with you, and maybe they’ve just moved away from that; I think it would also be okay, if you wanted to, to say that your sister is a traumatized teenager with a lot of anger she doesn’t know what to do with and to cut her some slack there–but you also don’t have to have her in your life if you don’t want to.

          Your sister may not get the optimal parenting for her situation and behavior. That’s not necessarily a problem, just the way it is, and your getting involved isn’t necessarily going to improve things for anybody else; it’s certainly not for you.

          1. Christmas*

            Thank you for the thoughtful response.

            You’re right; I don’t have to rescue my dad. (Mom isn’t in the picture.)
            When she extended her blow-up to me, I immediately disengaged and stopped talking to her so we both could cool off. Like you said, I don’t have to engage with her if I don’t want to. We are very close; always have been. So it’s probably punishment enough for her that I’m so angry and disappointed in her right now. She definitely understands my expectations for behavior, so I was pretty surprised when she acted up toward me like she does with our dad. Teenagers test limits, and she tested me. Unfortunately for her, she lost because I won’t coddle her and hold her hand and beg her to calm down. She found out quickly that our conversation is over if she talks to me that way.

            It’s really hard to disengage, since I’ve had to oscillate between Big Sis and Stand-in Mom. Ugh. I don’t remember the exact point I got into this, but I need to step out.

            Thank you again for the kind response, and please pardon my frustration.

            1. fposte*

              You’re very welcome. I think it’s especially hard when it’s an area that you actually know something about, but you still need to disentangle from (ask me how I know!). But disentangling is often still the best thing we can do.

        2. Approval is optional*

          I didn’t take the ‘threat’ seriously so I don’t think deleting is necessary! But I do want to point out that you seem to have the idea that you are owed respect from your sister in the same way that a parent is, and to be taking on a quasi parenting role. (Why, for example, did you think *you* were entitled to ask her why she wasn’t going to school? That’s between her, your father, and the school.) You aren’t her parent – you’re her sibling – and maybe it will be easier for all of you if keep that in mind and leave the parenting to your father and just be a big sister/brother. And I’d back off from telling your father how to parent too- no parent appreciates that no matter who it comes from – coming from their offspring it would be extra irritating for many.
          I also don’t think her anger is unexpected – not only was she assaulted but people didn’t believe her (did you, did your father?) – I’d be pissed off too if I were her. Add to that the not atypical 16 year old angst-fest and you have a not so nice cocktail of emotions that she has to deal with. You’re a 30 something year old and you have a lot of anger over her situation (anger that you’re not managing well it seems), try to imagine how much greater her anger is, (not to mention her hurt, fear, sense of betrayal etc), and how much harder it is for her to deal with it at her age.
          You seem to be focusing a bit on her ‘lies’, and how disrespectful they are, but really – let them go. I doubt very much that anyone actually believes your father starves her – at least nobody who isn’t a teenager too (and probably not even them) – kids of that age indulge in hyperbole a lot of the time – ‘I NEVER get to watch the movies I want to’ etc etc etc. And keep in mind that saying , ‘I ’d slap the living soul out of her body’ is no less hyperbolic than ‘I’m being starved’!
          And I know you are feeling a bit attacked right now because of your throwaway about slapping, and I don’t want to add to that feeling, but I don’t think you’re displaying much empathy for your sister (or your father either) and what they are going through/have been through.
          And forget about asking your father about booking family counselling – she is currently with a counselor to help her deal with her trauma, and her counselor is the one who should be deciding (in consultation with your sister) when/if family participation will be helpful, not you.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      If you mean the threats of physical violence literally, I am very concerned at that impulse. You’re the one who sounds out of line here. Your sister sounds like a teen being a teen. Add in the trauma and while what she’s doing may not be pleasant, it’s not shocking either.
      She’s being rude, sure. But what you’re talking about is, to me, a very disproportionate response.

      1. Christmas*

        No, I’m not literally going to beat her up. This must be a culture difference to joke about whooping someone’s butt. As I said, I’m just incredibly angry. Not just at her, but at my dad’s helplessness and spinelessness, as I said.

        1. Christmas*

          Anyone know how to delete ones own comments? While venting in what I thought is a safe place about feeling incredibly helpless and angry about a broken family dynamic, I seem to have created the impression that I’m going to literally violently beat up my sister. So, as I am not really getting any advice or help other than being told that I’M the “out of line” one or having my feelings undermined as “disproportionate…”
          Can anyone help me just delete my original comment? This was a mistake.
          Thank you.

          1. Bibliovore*

            I think this comment puts your previous ones in hyperbole and there will be understanding of your frustrations and anger.

            Number one is seek professional help. You recognize that this is an unhealthy dynamic. Your dad is at a loss. Your sister is obviously hurting yet by all metrics “a good kid”

            Disengaging is a good choice at this time. It might not be a “respect” issue. The dad you had at 16 doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe he regrets his previous parenting behavior. It might just be pain. Sister sustained trauma as a fourteen-year-old and is acting out at sixteen. Not unusual. Sending you and your family much love and healing.

          2. NoLongerYoung*

            sending you a hug. Don’t know how to delete, though.
            however, “I” get that you are not violent, but are trying to convey verbally how upset you are at her behavior. It’s hard when venting to strangers, on paper, and get the sheer depth of emotion out. My friends know that my hyperbole and exaggeration are a way to convey the depth of feelings (hurt, disappointment, anger beyond expression), and reassure me that they “get” that I can say things to get them off my chest (I screamed at the world, for awhile – I wasn’t crazy but it was a form of dealing with my grief).
            It’s just harder here because regular readers/ people who follow your story “know” you but there’s others who read and don’t have the back story or know the ongoing saga – or you.
            I always look at it as a good thing to know that others are concerned in “general” and keep there eyes open…. because sometimes there are postings from folks who truly do need to be set straight. In this case, the commentators are reacting to the words. Writing is one dimensional – there’s no body language or tone, or context, really, to convey what a good and loving sister and daughter you have been, and how very non-violent you really are… but rather concerned and caring. Out of context, one would be right to be concerned. You know you. (hug)

          3. WellRed*

            I think Alison has to do it. FWIW, I took the ass whoop as a colloquialism regional thing, not a threat. Open a can of whoop ass being similar. That and your use of “cussing” tells me we don’t live in the same part of the US ; ) I do feel your frustration with your sister. She’s lucky to have you even if she doesn’t know it right now.

          4. Invisible Fish*

            Pfffl. I know what you mean about it being time for a “whooping,” and I know you don’t mean it physically. People who aren’t used to hearing the term might not realize it’s a catch all phrase meaning you have to set someone straight.

          6. matcha123*

            I think people on this site can go way too literal. That was apparent to me in the thread about doxxing the facebook person a few weeks ago. I understood you meant that your sister needs a wake up call. Anyone that thinks you’re going to go off and beat her is not using their brain, imo.

            1. Effie All*

              Tone is notoriously hard to interpret online. Having been the victim of people who did resort to extreme physical violence to express their parenting displeasure, I’d rather over-react to such a threat than blow it off, and that’s not because I’m not using my brain, thank you very much for THAT delightfully dismissive shittness. It’s because I have been there and had that done to me. And I will do whatever it takes to reduce the chances of someone else being beaten unconscious by family members who feel “disrespected”.

              Count your lucky stars that you don’t have the life experience to understand, and try to have some goddamned compassion.

        2. LilySparrow*

          FWIW, I understood your comments in context. My personal/regional equivalent would be that my mama would have “snatched me baldheaded” if I did this or that.

          Neither my mama, nor anyone who used that phrase in my hearing, had ever pulled a child’s hair, much less pulled it out.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like it’s time to figure out why Sis is so mad at Dad. This sounds like anger-at-dad to me. If this is the case, then if you try to protect dad you might get hit with anger. But this could happen to anyone who protects dad.

    4. Damien*

      I’d take yourself over to the Captain Awkward blog and send a message there, it’s a very good advice site and may help you see things in a different way – or it may give you what you need to be able to put some distance between yourself and this situation, should you feel that this is needed.

    5. Maya Elena*

      Well, it’s is money, and his car with which the shopping gets done… I figure at some point it’s on him to lay down the law.

  58. RMNPgirl*

    I am so ready for fall! I’m hoping this past week was the last really hot, humid week we have and that now we’re going to be heading into nice cool fall weather. It’s my favorite season because I love curling up with a good book, a cup of tea, and having the windows open. Anyone else out there a fan of fall? What’s your favorite thing to do during the season?

    1. Christmas*

      I love fall and missed it so much! And you know what? I recently bought pumpkin and apple scented candles, despite “basic” jokes!! I’m in Florida and the air *just* started feeling cooler. It is so welcome. I’m going for a walk around the park later. Definitely looking forward to opening windows, like you said!

    2. Fikly*

      I am looking forward to fall!

      Right now it is what I refer to as indeterminate layers season. The other day I walked to an appointment wearing a layer over a t-shirt, felt mildly cold, then came out of the building an hour later without the layer, and was hot.

    3. LQ*

      Totally a fan of fall. I love soup. I love eating outside long after all the fair weather folk have gone inside. (I bet I eat outside more in the fall than in the summer.)

    5. It’s All Good*

      I felt Fall on Thursday and instantly felt calm. I love that it’s the start of a slow period (at least until turkey day). I love the sound of wind through the trees and all the fall scents. Smiles!

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      LOVE FALL – the tourists have gone home, the light is just right, a few nice days here and there, but then the rainy cozy days come. I can make soup for lunch for the week or get out the crock pot. I brought home special fall kitchen towels and pumpkin spice candles from our trip back to the US, so it even feels more like fall than normal. Lots of shows going on around town because everyone is back in the city, but its still warm enough that you don’t have to drag along a coat and coat check.

      Best part for me is the light and the early darkness (but not too early yet). Oh, and the Halloween themed stuff starts to pop up too with shows and movies :) Its just so snuggy!

  59. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    Running people: Do new shoes give you blisters?

    I recently bought a pair of running shoes for the first time (to be used for hiking not running.) When I mentioned to the running shoe store lady that new shoes always give me blisters, she was surprised and said they shouldn’t. She said it was probably my socks (usually cotton) and sold me some nice running socks. I went hiking in the new shoes and the new socks, and yep, blisters. Not bad ones, but it was also only a five mile easy hike.

    Are blisters normal in new shoes or are my feet unusually tender?

    1. Lady Jay*

      To me, this suggests your shoes could be too large/too small. The slippage/pressure could give you blisters. Next time you buy shoes, you may want to block out a little more time to spend with the running store people and get professionally fitted. Shoes fit really differently across brands, so they may be able to find you a better brand/style for your foot type.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        I did get fitted! And spent quite a bit of time walking around in the various shoes to test them out. And stood on the fancy foot scanning device. I knew I was going to spend a bit more on these shoes, so I went to an actual running shoe store on purpose. I’ve had sneakers before, but these are hopefully for more serious exercise, so I wanted to get good shoes.

        I actually really like the shoes and they are quite comfortable otherwise. I think I’ll love them once they and my feet get a little better acquainted.

        This happens with all my new sneakers, and I’ve had a variety of brands over the years.

        1. Lady Jay*

          How annoying! Maybe, as some of the below suggestions say, “breaking them in” should help a little?

          1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

            I’m not too worried about it. This is my normal and I am quite sure that I won’t get blisters after I’ve broken the shoes in.

            What I was curious about was if this is normal for other people. I assumed everybody got blisters from new shoes unless they were careful to break them in gradually.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      When I was jogging I almost always got blisters at first. And runner’s toe. Actually I get the black and blue toe from just doing a lot of walking (like around London) when I travel.

    3. Rebecca*

      I usually wear the new hikers or athletic shoes in the house or just for an hour or so walking around normally, with wool or synthetic socks, then a few more hours another day, maybe all day at work (we have a casual environment, so if I wore hiking boots all day no one would even notice), just to get them broken in a bit before going on a longer hike. I know where my problem spot is on my heel, so I use moleskin to prevent blisters, and make sure I take moleskin and extra large band aids along with me in my pack. Hope this helps!

      And I have tough feet, like walking around outside through the yard and driveway with no shoes.

    4. Filosofickle*

      I would say that blisters are very common, but also that they are not okay. Lots of shoes give my sensitive feet blisters. But I believe that means they are not the right shoes for my foot! For me blisters mean tight in the toes, slippage in the heel, or too rigid at the collar. My best trail shoes did not give me blisters in the beginning.

      I try to spot the right ones by wearing new shoes around the house for a long time — an hour or two ideally. (Cleaning is a good activity for this.) And if I am getting hot spots or blisters, back they go. What sucks is that even that doesn’t always tell me. How do you really know until you hit mile 4 in full stride that they really suit your feet?!

      That these are “hiking” shoes is a bit of a wrinkle. Are they the rigid kind? (Like hiking boot/shoes vs. trail runners.) Those used to give me light blisters til I broke them in and built up callouses. I still don’t think that’s ideal, but more normal IME.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I wonder if my socks are helping — I use Darn Tough socks now, vs the cotton / whatever ones before. They wick better and don’t slip at all on my feet, which means less friction and fewer blisters.

        Moleskin is permanently in my purse & backpack, just in case.

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Saucony trail runners. I don’t run, but wanted something lighter. Too late to return them. They are now quite muddy.

        Socks are Balega. I do think they helped.

        1. Filosofickle*

          It’s so hard when we really can’t tell til it’s too late. If REI sells shoes you are interested in, they will take them back even after being worn, for up to a year.

          I’m trying out a pair of Saucony trail runners right now… (Man, their sizing is a MESS. So far I’ve fit different models in 7.5M, 8.5M, 7.5W, and some have been way too narrow at any size.)

    5. vanillacookies*

      I’ve never gotten blisters from shoes recommended by the running store. I have gotten blisters when I tried to pick out a pair without help. But from the sound of it you did get help fitting them and all that.
      Do you always get blisters on the same parts of your feet? Or does it vary?

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Some variation, but there are a few spots that are pretty standard. I only got blisters on the left foot this time, weirdly.

    6. ThatGirl*

      Wicking socks dramatically reduced blisters for me, but they can still happen. Knowing where your shoes rub can really help prevent them, just use a band aid or moleskin.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      Blisters are not normal, new shoes or not, and indicates the shoes do not fit correctly. The sock-thing: bad socks won’t cause the blisters alone, but really good socks can help prevent them. So if you already have shoes you otherwise like and already bought, getting special hiking socks that guarantee no blisters will usually fix it. But if the shoes fit correctly, you shouldn’t need the socks to avoid blisters. It is difficult though.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        I do want a second pair of nice socks, so I’ll get some that are specifically anti-blister. Any recommendations?

    8. fposte*

      I’m not a runner, but I blister like crazy. Socks help but they’re no guarantee. I think some of us just are more prone to blisters because of foot shape or skin characteristics.

    9. Alex*

      Where are your blisters?

      I get blisters when I hike no matter what shoes I’m wearing or how old they are. My blister prone spot is the inside of my pinky toe. I think it is just the way my foot is, that my pinky toe rubs the one next to it and gets a blister. My shoes are not tight, and the rubbing isn’t against the shoe.

      1. Doctor is In*

        Bale gave socks gave me an allergic rash. They were nice about returns. I have not had blisters from new shoes if I wear comfy socks and walk in them around the house first.

  60. Weird Ears*

    I’ve been having a lot of ear issues lately and it’s making me incredibly anxious.

    Earlier this year it started with a sinus infection which cleared up on it’s own, but ever since my ears often feel blocked, itchy, or like there is fluid in them. I’ve seen three ENTs and had two hearing tests and no one can find a reason for this. Even had a scope to check my eustachian tubes and they weren’t swollen.

    I’m at a loss, because it feels like I can now notice the mild hearing loss in my right ear which never botherd me before (diagnosed two years ago and hasn’t gotten worse according to the hearing tests) and the tinnitus in that ear that never bothered me before is now all I can focus on. Plus it went from being a steady low hum to more high-pitched and variable, not to mention reactive to other noises. So either I have to sit in silence and listen to it at a low level, or try to put on something like music or the tv and then it will get louder to “compete” with the noise. I’ve also noticed very low tinnitus in my left ear, when I put it against a pillow at night. This was not there before so it’s starting to freak me out since that’s my “good ear” and I don’t want anything to go wrong with it!

    Also, in the last month my ears have become sensitive to normal noises like my keyboard, dishes clanking together, etc. Going out in public now is difficult because it makes me anxious with all the noise. I can feel my ears “close up” when the offending sounds happen, so they simultaneously feel blocked, yet overwhelmed by all the audio input. It’s a miserable feeling!

    Every morning I wake up with my whole head feeling like it’s blocked, yet when I went for allergy testing it all came back negative.

    Two things should be noted:

    1) I was diagnosed with reactivated Epstein-Barr virus and have been taking supplements since July to help build up my immune system to put it back in dormancy: L-lysine, vitamin c, vitamin d, magneisum, turmeric, and a probiotic.

    2) The stress of not feeling well for months has caused me to start clenching my teeth at night so I’m now wearing a night guard. I haven’t seen any improvement with my ear situation from this yet and it’s been a week.

    I feel like there’s so much going on with me (also have muscle tension in my neck and shoulders due to stress) that I can’t figure out the true cause of these ear issues, but it has seriously affected my quality of life and I’m just so run down and depressed not being able to hear normally for months now despite doctors not seeing anything physically wrong.

    I hope someone out there has experienced something similar and can offer some advice!

    1. Lilith*

      I have tinnitus and it’s somewhat like yours. I need a fan on at night to obliterate the noise in my head, etc. Anyway, my doc checked me for low B12 & I was low & went on a regimen to up it. I don’t think it’s helped with my tinnitus but maybe it could help you to have your B12 checked.

      1. Weird Ears*

        I did have it checked, along with some other vitamins and they were all in the appropriate ranges. This is why I’m so frustrated – most of my blood tests are normal except the Epstein-Barr one.

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      I have tinnitus and apparently one of the symptoms is a sort of full feeling in the ears. I’ll try and find the reference and post it later. Non medically trained me wants to believe that if I fix the feeling I’ll fix the tinnitus, but I suspect I just need to trust the experts.

      It can take a while to settle-in with a new sound. The awareness can make a sound louder and more distracting and anxiety and muscle tension can definitely make things worse. I find a foam roller to be very helpful. You don’t want to roll your neck but use it as a neck support and gently rock and rotate your head to target the muscles at the base of the skull. You could also talk to a dentist about TMJ. It will probably take more than a week to see results.

      1. Weird Ears*

        I’ve had the tinnitus for two years now and never had that fullness feeling until the past five months. That’s when it went from being a constant level and non-reactive (regardless of what I ate, how much I slept, what meds I took) and became reactive and more intrusive. Prior to that I was easily able to ignore it, slept fine, and lived my life. In fact, I never even looked up the word tinnitus on Google or went to any forums about it because it was that much of a non-issue for me.

        I don’t know if it’s the virus causing these changes, or my stress/anxiety because of being so ill and for months not knowing why, but so far I haven’t found a solution to any of this and I’m afraid to take any prescription drugs for my anxiety since they all come with a risk of worsening the tinnitus. Apparently there are MANY drugs that can cause tinnitus or make it worse.

        I’ve been to physical therapy for my neck and shoulders and it didn’t help. I went for acupuncture. Didn’t help. I saw a therapist for CBT but that hasn’t helped. She’s at the point where she thinks I should try medication but I’m just too scared. I try to sleep as much as possible. It does help lower the sound some days, but overall doesn’t help with the fullness and other sensations. The last 5 months of my life have been absolute hell. I just want my ears to go back to how they were prior to all this. I feel so stuck. :(

        1. Quandong*

          I’m so sorry your stress and anxiety are escalating and that you’re worried about medication worsening the tinnitus. I have a friend whose tinnitus gets worse with stress and it has affected their life tremendously.

          My suggestion is to keep on trying different techniques for stress reduction and relaxation to find something that works for you, regardless of whether you go ahead with medication or not.

          Some ideas are regular relaxation massages (as opposed to physical therapy), walking in nature, art therapy, music therapy, gardening or growing houseplants, guided relaxation and visualization.

          I hope you find relief from your stress and suffering soon.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      No help, following. I have tinnitus – new this year – and it is making me crazy, when I don’t ignore it. But like you, wonder what – if anything – I can do. I started one medication that “may” have triggered it, or it could be those years of listening to rock and roll, or… genetically everyone in my family begins to lose hearing sooner rather than later. Just wishing you the best. I’ve kind of accepted that I won’t get back to my old normal, but hoping it doesn’t get worse (seeing the doctor next month… procrastinated).

    4. Fikly*

      Have you had bloodwork run to check for a hidden ear infection? They can be super hard to both detect and get rid of. My mother has permanent hearing loss from this.

        1. Miles To Go*

          I’d start with white count, other checks of what your immune system is doing, basically. Sometimes ear infections can be super deep and hard to visualize from an exam.

        2. Miles To Go*

          Yes, this! If they find signs of an infection on bloodwork, they’ll likely order a CT to check for a super deep one.

    5. Doctor is In*

      Sounds like Menieres, which I had. Low pitched tinnitus, hearing loss and fullness in the ears. Surely one of the ENT’s could have diagnosed if that was it though. Best of luck getting it sorted.

    6. Dr. Anonymous*

      Ask your favorite of the ENTs if you may have misophonia now, where certain sounds just bother you. It can come along with the tinnitus. Hard to treat, like the tinnitus, unfortunately, and as with tinnitus, people often use masking sounds like music or white noise to damp it down. Sometimes it responds to cognitive behavioral therapy, oddly enough. I hope you get some relief!

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Looking at this holistically – you’re a giant ball of stress right now. Work on that, and the rest will probably get better, or at least your ability to cope will improve.

    8. WS*

      Hyperacusis is a common result of jaw clenching. The muscles around the tiny bones in your inner ear become so tense that any loud or sudden noise is physically painful to you. It also makes tinnitus worse and can affect hearing. And of course tensing up in preparation for pain makes it worse.

      Things you can do for the jaw: night guard (as you are doing), frequent application of damp heat (e.g. a wheat bag or a hot flannel), very gentle TMJ exercises after the heatpack only. When you are not in a flare-up, you can do the TMJ exercises to prevent it coming back. You may not have pain in the actual temporo-mandibular joint, but it’s the same set of muscles and the same exercises work.

      Things you can do for the ear: see an audiologist who specialises in tinnitus and/or hyperacusis. A regular audiologist can refer you, but most audiologists don’t specialise in this. They can provide more specific exercises for your particular condition, and fit musician’s earplugs, which reduce the volume of loud noises without cutting out all sound.

      My partner has this condition and her quality of life was terrible until she had it diagnosed and treated. Now she has the occasional (maybe every 6 months) flare-up for a day or two and she knows how to manage it. Much sympathy to you and I hope you get some help.

    9. Weird Ears*

      This blanket reply is because I just don’t have the energy to rely individually.

      I agree I need to work on relaxing. I’ve always had trouble with that but with the ringing it just takes so much out of me I find it impossible now.

      I did wonder about Menieres but no ENT has suggested it. Maybe because I don’t get vertigo? They all chalk it up to anxiety, probably because I’m female. Yes, I’m anxious, but I’m anxious because my ears are malfunctioning and I can’t seem to stop it. This isn’t something like a broken arm that will heal! Once your hearing goes it’s gone for good. And once tinnitus sets in that seems to persist indefinitely. So I’m scared and I’m anxious and I’m stressed and I’m very depressed which I think is normal.

      To the person who is going to the doctor about their tinnitus, don’t expect much. There’s little sympathy or help with the condition and it sucks.

      I do think there’s a virus attacking my ears – Epstein Barr – from what I’ve read can be doing it. But nothing I do to combat it is helping.

      It’s not misophonia because I’m not angry or anything about the noise – my ears automatically react to it physically. It’s really distressing and I only hope that somehow I’ll get lucky and once the EBV goes dormant these other things will go away. I can’t imagine life like it is now. I was so happy just a few months ago and never expected all this to happen.

      Appreciate the well wishes and please don’t take your ears for granted.

  61. Letter of recommendation*

    General letter of recommendation for: women learning about mechanics, home repairs, etc.

    Sure, plenty of women already know about these things. Others–including me–don’t. My mom always asked my dad to fix things around the house, so I asked my husband to fix things around the house. He didn’t know how to fix them either, but he watched YouTube videos, learned how, and became the person in our house who Knew These Things. One day I asked him to unclog my bathroom sink. He said, “Since you’re a feminist, you can do it yourself.” I watched YouTube videos and I unclogged it.

    I’m a bike commuter and every bike mechanic I’ve met has been a white man. I always considered myself mechanically stupid, but I enrolled in a bike mechanics class at a local nonprofit because I hoped it would be empowering. I was the slowest student in the class and many nights I was the last one there, frantically trying to put a bike back together while the teacher waited patiently for me to finish so they could go home. Low on cash, I volunteered to work off the tuition I owed for the class by helping fix up old bikes. I almost threw up because I was so nervous the first time I went to volunteer. After many hours of volunteering, my anxiety eased.

    Now I’ve almost worked off my tuition, but I plan to keep volunteering to help fix up old bikes because I actually enjoy it. I still consider myself a beginner, but sometimes other volunteers come to me with simple questions. It feels good. I know that I can fix simple problems on my bike, and if I can’t fix it, I can talk confidently with a mechanic about it. I know that I can learn to fix things, even if it takes me longer to learn than other people. My husband says I’ve become more confident in everything since I became more confident in mechanics.

    This is a letter of recommendation for women learning about home repair and mechanics, but it’s also a letter of recommendation for getting better at something you’re bad at, and for doing something that makes you anxious, and doing it again and again until you gradually start to feel less anxious. I’m sending good thoughts out to anyone out there who wants to learn something new, but has been too nervous or embarrassed to try. You *can* do it.

    1. Rebecca*

      You can do it! I am an only child, and my Dad taught me so much over the years. Today would have been his 85th birthday, and he took the time to teach me about tools, mechanics, all sorts of “how tos” and I was a garage assistant for him for a good many years. I can change a tire, change oil, swap out a battery, fix simple car things, do simple electrical work and simple plumbing, although I would rather have a root canal than do anything plumbing related. I can chop wood, use power tools, etc. all because my Dad took time to teach me. And I second watching YouTube and videos!! What a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips.

      One important lesson I learned along the way is when to leave it to the pros :) Sometimes it’s better and causes less damage if I pay someone else!

      1. Letter of recommendation*

        Definitely agree!

        You’re lucky that your father taught you so much. How empowering.

        I don’t have any kids yet, but one thing that has motivated me to start to learn now is that when we do, I want to be a good role model.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Yes, you *can* do it!

      It is so empowering to be able to fix things yourself. My dad was a civil engineer and general builder/fixer of everything. I learned so much from him! When I don’t know how to do something, I have confidence I can probably figure it out or at least talk intelligently with someone who can. (In my case, my male partner doesn’t know how to fix anything so it’s a good thing I can.)

      1. Letter of recommendation*

        That’s great! I love hearing about these dads who made sure to pass their knowledge on to their daughters.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I wish I’d wanted to learn more at the time. He wanted to teach me more, especially about cars, but I only had so much interest at a young age. Mostly I learned by osmosis — and a lot of what I learned wasn’t how to do things, but that things CAN be done by mere mortals which is powerful all on its own. After decades apart we live near each other in his retirement so I have his guidance and tools now that I’m more ready to learn :)

          It’s sad that my BF’s dad didn’t teach them anything. He was in the trades, had a lot of skills, but just didn’t want to do that stuff at home after doing it all day. So he didn’t. And didn’t teach them. :/

    3. Motmot*

      Timely post :) (see mine below)

      It’s very small, but I’m glad I at least know how to shut off the water and gas and handle the electrical panel/circuit breaker.

      I do wish I knew more and now I’m going to search for a class or watch more YouTube videos thanks to your post. My husband should be the only repair-person in this house!

      1. Letter of recommendation*

        Yes! Starting small is fine. Any knowledge is better than no knowledge–everyone who knows something today was once at this point.

    4. LQ*

      I took a car repair basics class through the local community ed program for like $50 including use of a garage (like a big formal actual repair garage) and a lot of supplies and it was incredibly good for me. It was targeted at women but it was about 60/40 men. Some of the men just took the class to use the garage space. But it was fun and hard and I learned a lot so I’m going to strongly second everything you said. And also community ed programs!

      (The giant tire changing machine was my favorite part and I rocked that, I helped 4 other people replace their tires once I did mine.)

      1. Letter of recommendation*

        That is awesome! Car repair is definitely uncharted territory for me, but I did learn how to change out a flat tire, and that small step was really helpful–I have friends who automatically call a tow truck when they have a flat so I like knowing that I don’t have to wait around for someone to save me.

    5. LNLN*

      My husband is a carpenter and can fix just about anything, so I always sit back and just hand him tools. One time I was visiting my sister and I decided to patch a hole in her kitchen wall before painting the room. I got the piece of drywall in OK, but my first layer of tape peeled right off the wall, I had to call hubby for some tips. That wall ended up great; you absolutely cannot see where the patch is. I feel proud all over again every time I walk into that kitchen!

    6. Dr. Anonymous*

      I love this–both for women learning tasks often done by men and for trying new things. My dad grew up on a farm, but my mom did a lot of the lighter handyman tasks around the house, and I learned from both. Daddy taught me to hammer nails and Mom taught me about molly bolts. There are instructions and videos and neighbors all around to help you learn new things. Change out those windshield wipers! Hang the towel bar! Buy a drill! It feels great and if you pay attention and protect your eyes you’re unlikely to do anything that can’t somehow be fixed.

    7. Teapot Translator*

      Thank you for writing this.
      I’ve been meaning to take some classes about basic car maintenance and home repairs.
      My short-term goal though is to get back on the bike. I started learning in the summer, then went away on vacation and I’ve been feeling so nervous using the bike again. :( I’m scared.

      1. Letter of recommendation*

        It’s normal to feel scared. You *can* master your fear, and your new skills. Think of the things that you know help you learn–whether it’s getting back on your bike with a friend to cheer you on, taking a class (there are classes for everything, including adult biking), or taking it somewhere way out in the middle of nowhere so you can practice without anyone watching.

      2. Phlox*

        It’s totally okay to lower the saddle so your feet touch the ground and scoot (not pedal) around to remind yourself what balancing and maneuvering a bike feels like

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Women have been socialized to think “I can’t do that”. But we can. Look, no guy started out knowing how to fix stuff, they learned. Women just have to learn, but we’re also fighting the conditioning and disbelief from men. Youtube is an awesome place to start.

      1. Letter of recommendation*

        Yes, absolutely. You get good at this stuff through practice–and because men are asked to fix stuff more, they simply get more practice.

    9. YetAnotherUsername*

      That’s an awesome story. Thanks for sharing.

      I agree with YouTube. You can learn anything on YouTube.

  62. Motmot*

    Home owner/repair question…

    I bought my first home (detached condo) at the end of last year, yay! The place is only 5 years old.

    My brother in law used my guest shower and decided to try and fix a leaky shower faucet. “All I need is a hex wrench!” Well, this story ended with me shutting off the water, calling the plumber at 10 pm, and paying $500 to have it fixed. He’s paying for half…

    I ran to my garage to shut off the water and shutting off required a lot of force (the water is very hard here) but what concerned me even more was the copper pipe/main water line was very loose. As if it’s not reinforced to the wall or anything. The plumber confirmed this as he turned the water back in for me and told me to contact property management (HOA?). So my question is, can I contact the builder or the HOA? Or am I SOL and this is my problem to solve?

    I woke up in a cold sweat the next day, fearing the line could burst at any moment and generally dreading home ownership. That moment has passed, but I need to take of this so I can be at peace.

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      Start with the building/complex management office if there is one. There should be a maintenance request contact person. They’ll pass the problem on to the right person. If not, then contact the HOA. After 5 years the builder is likely no longer involved.

    2. Anono-me*

      You may want to consider a Home Owner’s Warranty, it is simmilar to an extended warranty on a used vehicle.

      Check with your realtor, you may be able to get a home buyers warranty retroactively at the intro price. Otherwise shop around and see if you can find one that makes sense to you.

      1. Motmot*

        Oo, thank you!! I do have one! It was included in the purchase. Coverage for a year and the sellers paid it. I’ll be reviewing that document ASAP! Of course I’m traveling this week and won’t be back home till next week. I should have my log in auto saved…

    3. Parenthetically*

      Typically condo maintenance agreements mean you need to cover anything from paint to paint within the four walls of your condo, but anything inside the walls is theirs. Since you have a stand-alone unit, I don’t know if that applies, but there’s only one way to find out: call the condo office and tell them the problem, and ask if that something you have to address yourself, or if it’s included in your condo/HOA fees. If it’s your responsibility, I would definitely ask them if other owners have had the same issue and what they’ve done to address it.

    4. Gatomon*

      Condos are usually studs-in, but your docs should spell out exactly where responsibility begins/ends for things like plumbing and wiring, what’s shared and not shared, etc.

      It never hurts to reach out to them and let them know there’s an issue and that you’d like clarity on who is responsible for what. If yours is unsecured then it’s possible other units were built the same way! At this point the builder is unlikely to care unless the condo board brought legal action against them, but you’d want to see if all units are in the same shape, what the risks are and what legal remedies would be available, plus the actual cost of repair. If it’s a very expensive repair it may be worth pursuing. Did the plumber mention what it would take to fix?

      (Also you’ve got me sweating now, my main water shutoff is in my crawlspace and I hate crawlspaces!!)

      1. Motmot*

        Thank you + Parenthetically!

        I’m on it!! :) I was a little unsure of the wording I’d use when reaching out, so your replies are helpful and much appreciated.

        I also have ARAG through work (legal insurance). I reaaaallllyyyy hope it wouldn’t have to get to that point, but I would not hesitate to use it.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like there are just not enough brackets holding the pipe in place. If you google water pipe hangers you will find different kinds. I think you’d want copper so you’d have two similar metals.

      I can’t tell if the pressure of your water is high or if you water has a high mineral content, when you say that your water is hard.
      IF you water pressure is high and that is making it difficult to turn off the water, you might try turning on the bathtub or other faucet, to see if that takes pressure off the line so you can shut it off easier. (Don’t forget to turn the tub off before you turn the water back on.)
      If you mean the water has formed corrosion on the shut off and the corrosion makes it hard to turn, then you may want to consider putting in a new shut off. Because this is the main line, you will need the water department/water company to turn off your water before installing a new shut off.

      Yes, these things are a little spendy and, worse, it’s a lot of steps. But if you can sleep at night, it’s of great value to you. I replaced a water shut off on my toilet. The shut off worked okay but I was not happy with the way it worked. And added wrinkle, I seem to have various random problems with my toilet. I put in a new shut off. It may not have been necessary at the time I did it, but dang! I can sleep at night.

  63. Karyn*

    It’s been a really hard week. Work has been slammed, I’m in negotiations with a client because my rate is WAY too low for the work he expects (I’m paid $27, and I want $35 since, you know, I’m a contractor and pay my own damn taxes), and my recent ex popped up on Bumble which, I mean, I don’t want him back but it is another reminder that we’re not together, that he chose to be alone rather than be with me, and it hurts. Add to that I have seasonal affective disorder which triggers around this time of year when it gets dark super early. I’ve been trying to work out and spend some time each night writing my fanfiction, but it’s not been easy to motivate myself. Anyone have any fun stories, links, or tv shows that will distract me while I push through this depression?

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Look into getting a SAD light (like a BioLight). You can use it while doing other things, so it won’t take any more of your time. It will help, but you’ll want other techniques to help this time of year.
      Best of Luck!

    2. Going Full Boyle*

      I have a silly story from work today. I’m a children’s librarian, and I had a story time this morning. A young child introduced himself as Hot Wheel, then later asked if I would be his friend.

      Unrelated, but I like to play a web game called Sushi Cat when I’m feeling bleh. It requires little thought and is super cute. https://armorgames.com/play/5379/sushi-cat

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I like looking at cake wrecks dot com. Sometimes I get to laughing so hard, tears are running down my face.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My family recently started watching The Tick. It’s a hoot!
      If you’re a science fiction fan who remembers the 80s, look for the audio book of “Ready Player One”… with its Star Trek references, I kept chuckling because Wil Wheaton read it.

    5. Princesa Zelda*

      Whenever I’m depressed I like watching shows like Mushi-shi, shows that are very atmospheric and kind of zen. A good self-aware shoujo anime where characters talk about their emotions for 20 minutes an episode is rarely amiss either. *jedi higs*

  64. PhyllisB*

    Show of hands: how many of you (besides me) come to the Saturday thread (even if you don’t have time to read it) to see the latest kitty photo and see what book Alison recommends?

      1. Pam*

        I try to run through all the top comments each week as well.

        Alison’s taste in books and mine doesn’t often match, but this weeks’ sounds good.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Pam, I don’t always “agree” with the choices either; but I have found books listed that I would never have tried otherwise so it’s good to expand horizons. Besides, even if I don’t read the book, I love to see what other people are reading. And even though I’m a dog person, I’m a sucker for an adorable Kitty shot. My question is, how she can get so many good shots of them? Cats are not known for being co-operative at the best of times. I try to get photos of my dog and he’ll be laying there or doing something cute, and as soon as I hold my phone up he does something else or runs off.

    3. Hi there*

      I really enjoyed last week’s book and might not have given it a chance without the recommendation. I definitely popped in to see this week’s.

  65. Randomity*

    Really, really long shot, but, anyone know any bars in North East England where a woman could go on her own, not necessarily to find a hook up but maybe that but also maybe just to chat? Does this exist?

    2. Grace*

      I mean, considering that you’re a wlw, although the gay bar is slowly dying there’s still a few around. Propaganda in Hull always got fairly good reviews from my other non-straight/non-cis friends, and I think that The Star (also Hull) is considered a good gay bar to go to for a few drinks but not necessarily a full night out. Hull-centric, I know, but that’s more my neck of the woods that further north-east.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I don’t know what it’s like for women seeking women but as a straight person I have enjoyed going to the Dog and Parrot in Newcastle, which is right in the middle of the so called pink triangle there. More like a rock pub that happened to be popular with non-hetero people as far as I could tell.

  66. vanillacookies*

    Looking for some food recommendations. I’ve really lost my appetite lately, and I’m waiting for the doctor to get back to me.
    In the meanwhile, any suggestions for healthy eating when nothing sounds good?

    1. Not A Manager*

      That’s tough if nothing sounds good. If quote-unquote “unhealthy” things do sound good to you, I think you should eat those in preference to not eating at all.

      Random things for an iffy appetite: Cinnamon toast. There’s something about the smell of it that can stimulate appetite. Lightly toast a nice white bread. This is not a recipe that works with heavy sourdough or whole grain breads. Liberally butter the bread and heavily sprinkle with cinnamon sugar. Put the bread back into a toaster oven or regular oven on “broil” for 30-60 seconds, just enough to melt the sugar.

      Chicken noodle soup. Egg drop soup. Baked potato with various toppings. The smell of bacon can also stimulate appetite for some people.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Cinnamon toast always works for me! Actually, toast in general, but cinnamon toast was my childhood “feeling icky but need to eat something” food.

    2. Washi*

      I have a lot of smoothies when I’m too anxious to eat properly – just frozen fruit and yogurt in a blender. Also a lot of carrots or apples with peanut butter.

      I would also say that this might be a time to let yourself eat whatever does sound good, even if it’s not necessarily the healthiest. When I’m struggling to eat but getting weak from hunger, I will just eat a spoonful of nutella straight from the jar.

      1. vanillacookies*

        Thanks, smoothies seem worth a try. Honestly by “healthy” I really just mean something healthier than eating 2 candy bars and calling it a day.

    3. Auntie Social*

      Fruit, already cut up. You can even buy the cut-up stuff from the store if you don’t want to do the cutting. Even when I’m not hungry if I know there’s fresh fruit slices in the fridge I’ll have some.

    4. Gingerblue*

      We’re getting into fall soup season. Maybe a nice light soup or broth? Or are there other things that might not have sounded good during the summer that might be more appealing now, if you’re in an area where the weather is turning yet?

    6. AL (the other one)*

      How do you feel about spicy food, with chilli? I know someone who lost their appetite due to medication they were taking and they said that one thing that they still enjoyed was spicy food.

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      This may not work for you, but similar to the smoothies, I put protein powder (and collagen) in my coffee in the morning, and try to drink as many nutrients as I can when nothing sounds appealing.

      And, I do try to really pay attention to my thirst. Stay as well hydrated as you can. And I make those drinks count. I added bone broth as a hot drink, pureed fruit smoothie kinds of drinks, “real” cocoa, every opportunity to put nutrients into me.

      And don’t underestimate the value of just “eating something by the clock.” As in, sometimes I had to literally look at the clock, and say “It’s been 4 hours since I ate, I need to eat something” – and just pick an item and eat it. Soup always goes down well; cottage cheese and fruit; celery, peanut butter and raisins… it was interesting to me (YMMV) that the things I “was” making my go-to, were things I enjoyed as a child. I also got a really good whole grain cereal (with milk/almond/soy), and even as a default, would have a small bowl of that.

      I also got some really nutritious (not the fake sugar treat ones) protein bars, and I’d slice off slivers of it and eat at least 1/3 of it.

      Because sometimes, once you start, you can keep going and finish things.

      I understand better now why some elderly folks are so fixated on meal times (my mom for example). It isn’t that she is hungry – but she has to focus to eat because she just isn’t that interested otherwise. The “three meals a day” means she is at least keeping her nutrients up.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Been there, done that. Strict schedule. Whatever you normally do, keep doing it. You don’t have to feel hungry, just make sure that at lunch time you’re eating an appropriate quantity of food. For you, right now, eating regularly is CHORE. You’re not eating because you want to, you do it because you need to. It’s boring and depressing, but until you figure out what’s going on, it’ll keep you going.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When I’m in a migraine string, I turn to Asian soup—specifically pho or won ton soup. Something about the clears up just settles me.

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      You know how everyone tells you not to just sit in front of the tv/computer and mindlessly eat? Try making a big bowl of something healthy but boring and see if you can mindlessly eat it while in front of the tv/computer if you’re having a hard time making yourself sit down for actual meals.

      I need to eat breakfast or my day will go badly, but I’m really not interested in food in the morning, and the thing that works best for me is to make something that can be eaten one-handed and then mindlessly eat it while reading the internet. I always eat the same thing, and the complicated planning/prep parts happen in bulk for the whole week (and not in the morning), and it’s made Actually Eating Breakfast happen a lot more regularly for me.

      When I used to have a job where I’d come home fried after work and want to just sit in front of the tv, I’d grab a sack of prewashed veggies of some kind (usually broccoli florets, but spinach or carrots would also work) and munch on those while watching TV. Since I wasn’t paying attention to what I was eating, but if I didn’t grab something before I sat down I’d just sit there getting cranky and less able to figure out what was for dinner as the evening went on, I figured I might as well be eating raw veggies with no dip, and it worked out as a way to add a lot of vegetables to my diet. (I’d then eventually add some sort of protein to round out “dinner”, sometimes just some cashews or a glass of milk if I still wasn’t feeling like cooking.)

    11. LilySparrow*

      When I know I need nutrients but nothing seems appealing, I do smoothies. You can throw all kinds of stuff in there: frozen fruit, fresh fruit, carrot, sliced almonds or peanut butter, oats, greek yogurt, protein powder, whatever.

      I find that half a banana makes it sweet enough without added sugar, and a spoonful of cocoa powder will cover the taste of any yucky-healthy add-ins. (Like beet powder. Great for my circulation. Tastes like dirt.)

  67. Aweful*

    Thank you to those who very kindly commented about the bed bugs last weekend. They are going to do a heat treatment which isn’t for a couple weeks but the pest guy only found 1 when he did the inspection so they are confident that will get them all. It doesn’t seem like they are on the path to evict me, which, yes, was pure anxiety screaming, but it’s still in my brain. They have also been good about helping with disposal.

    The manager absolutely sounded surprised when she called to update me and was like, “well your place is really clean so it looks like you caught it very early.” She absolutely thought I was super messy. No…I don’t have much stuff and I’m fairly clean. It just happened.

    2. Parenthetically*

      It 100% does just happen and clean, neat homes get bedbug infestations! I had bedbugs in my first place and I was VERY tidy.

  68. Filosofickle*

    My boyfriend is in graduate school. Lots of this week’s reading was about privilege and white fragility — and seeing as he’s a white hetero cis man, well, this is not super comfortable terrain. (He’s not being a jerk about it.) His question was: What am I supposed to DO with this?

    I’m a white hetero cis woman, so my POV isn’t much less bubblicious than his. I don’t know if my advice was okay. Others have a better perspective, and I’d love to hear from you.

    My advice was that, right now, you don’t have to know what to do. You need to LISTEN, really listen. Believe what they’re saying. Pay attention and start noticing. Let other voices lead the conversation. Ideally in time this course and program will provide guidance on what to do. For now, just take it in. After a convo with a friend about sexual harassment, I added: If you find yourself doing, thinking, or saying anything that contributes to the bullshit, STOP. (Which seems obvious, but first things first.)

    What would you tell him?

    1. fposte*

      Captain Awkward always advises diving into media created by people not like you; I think that’s great advice because it changes your landscape and also doesn’t involve awkward human interactions with people who maybe have other stuff to do. So what’s he reading? What’s his Netflix queue? What are the movie plans? What games does he like? Who made it all, and can he consciously foreground IPOC experiences in media for a while?

      1. Filosofickle*

        That’s great, thank you. Forgot all about that advice! That adds new dimension to listening — not just listening to what’s put in front of you, changing what you put in front of you.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Adding, it’s a good life habit to read things that differ from what you think or what you own opinion is. It’s good to try to figure out why people think or say the things they do on any topic. And make it a habit to read on subjects that are unfamiliar to you.

        I don’t do as much of this as I would like, but I have found that the little I have done has changed me in some ways.

        1. Filosofickle*

          Good add. Similarly, evidence shows that fiction builds empathy. Understanding and being able to take other perspectives is important.

    2. LQ*

      In addition to stop doing it yourself which is important and yes, first things first. There is also, call it out when you can. It’s easier for me (white woman) to call out when I see someone being racist and it is really important that I do it when the person is saying it to me because they think I agree. And stopping someone when they think that you agree with them is a really big deal. That male coworker who makes lewd comments about the new hire? Yeah, tell him to knock that shit off.

      First you have to hear it. Then stop yourself. Then stop others like you.

      (fposte said all the good stuff about media already.)

      1. Filosofickle*

        I agree that’s next! Right now he doesn’t know how to do that. (Which may have been his question?) I guess my focus on listening and believing first was to make sure he truly understands before acting. I’ve seen well-meaning but ill-advised attempts that are ultimately patronizing or minimizing to the very people they purport to help. More whitesplaining/mansplaining/virtual signaling than being a true ally.

        Maybe I’m projecting. This is stuff I’m figuring out for myself, too. I have a friend who always has the words to calmly call things out and say “that’s not okay, stop”. I admire that so much in her.

        1. vanillacookies*

          I think some of Allison’s scripts from past letters for addressing sexist/racist/inappropriate behavior in the workplace are applicable to social situations too and could help him learn what to say and when to say it. At least as a starting point!

    3. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      A good start is believing/legitimizing people’s experiences and seeing minorities as well-rounded humans. One of the manifestations of subconscious bias and discrimination is that minorities are treated with less respect than the majority population. I’m not just talking about the blatantly hostile racism, but the times when even “woke” people underestimate the skills of women/minorities, take credit for a woman’s ideas/work, make fun of someone for not going to a “serious” college (aka any affordable college that is not an expensive liberal arts school), downplay any discomfort someone may voice regarding inappropriate behavior, etc. Someone a few comments above talks about how they posted about their experiences with racism and someone dismissed it, saying they were just looking for opportunities to complain about racism. DON’T be that person. (I work in a diverse city where my field is 99% white. These small biases have real impacts.)

      1. Filosofickle*

        Thank you for taking the time to articulate this. This is partly what I was trying to describe in my response to LQ — wanting to avoid the trap of thinking of yourself as an ally but not actually being one.

        Subconscious bias is insidious. I am horrified every time bias pops up in my thoughts or words. I will keep striving to do and be better.

    4. Neef*

      On the most recent On Being podcast Krista Tippett asked Ta-Nehisi Coates what to do with the problem of her “whiteness” and his response I believe was especially poignant and could be summed up as: “Work for a world that is less White.” In other words we cannot solve in one generation what was here long before us, we can only move forward and focus on our grandchildren and the future generations. Link to the youtube of the podcast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvzQzpBJnLQ

    5. Maya Elena*

      Take with a grain of salt. A lot of graduate fields are very insular, full of group-think and jargon. I’d draw the line at anything that sounds like “logic is a tool of white supremacy”.

    6. PX*

      To follow up on fposte’s advice, one book that recently came out that might be good to start with to help get a different perspective is called Taking Up Space by Chelsea Kwakye and Ore Ogunbiyi talking about their experiences of being one of the very few black students at Cambridge. The imprint it is out on (Merky Books) is also good to follow on instagram as they are all about books from (predominantly) non-white authors.

      Also shows like Dear White People or Insecure or The Bold Type which are good shows in and of themselves but are also telling different stories and have different perspectives to your standard white male driven entertainment would be some things I would recommend.

    7. AnonLurker Appa*

      Be extremely thoughtful and observant when it comes to who get the benefit of the doubt, especially at work. Folks with less power often do not get the benefit of the doubt, and need 500% more evidence than other folks before they get believed/trusted

      Beware of the “soft bigotry of low expectations.” i.e. Oh Steve – he’ll go far! Lupita – I don’t know about her.

    8. OtterB*

      Late response. In addition to other suggestions, I recommend Better Allies. There is a book, and also a social media presence on Twitter (maybe other platforms) with recommendations for specific, simple actions.

  69. Going Full Boyle*

    Any fellow GERD sufferers out there? What do you do to relieve symptoms? I’m seeing a gastroenterologist who wants to take me off Prilosec, which is the only thing that really helps. I want to make lifestyle changes before I transition off of Prilosec to minimize the impact. I was taking Zantac twice a day (prescribed by my previous PCP) and it only helped a little. Before I started Prilosec I cut out caffeine, limited chocolate intake, avoided tomatoes, etc., and I still was feeling almost constant heartburn. Even mayonnaise triggered it, which I think is unusual. To complicate things, I’m also peanut/tree nut free, gluten free due to celiac, lactose intolerant, plus a few other random sensitivities.

      2. Kuododi*

        It’s possible the Dr is trying to transition to a different med. The FDA is currently monitoring Ranitidine (generic Zantac) bc there is a concern about microscopic levels of a cancer causing agent in the medication. (Don’t ask me the name of the problem as it looks to be about an inch long and unpronounceable.) It is apparently the same issue with a couple of BP medications. (They aren’t talking about recall yet but that certainly remains to be seen.). I’m equally frustrated as my stomach issues were being well managed on Ranitidine (Zantac) and Zofran prn. I too have no desire to change at this time. Best wishes.

    2. Fikly*

      Fellow lactose intolerant Celiac here! I also have type 1 diabetes, just for dietary fun.

      The thing that helps my GERD the most is frequent small meals/snacks. Most GERD is essentially the overproduction of stomach acid, so you have to give that acid something to do besides bother you, ie, give it some food to digest.

      Can you do any dairy? I can do some lower lactose dairy with the pills. I find yogurt super soothing for heartburn. Just plain yogurt.

      1. Going Full Boyle*

        I eat some dairy, because my reaction varies based on what the food is. I eat greek yogurt with no lactose problems, so thank you for the tip! The frequent small meals/snacks might be do-able for me, although I spend part of my work day on a public service desk. Sounds like a lot of prep work and planning will be necessary for that, but I guess I should be used to that by now with Celiac. Do you have a favorite snack/small meal you find satisfying?

        1. valentine*

          While eating at a public desk causes customers to pop up out of nowhere, even between hours of nothing, if it’s forbidden, you could ask for it as an accommodation. Yogurt, granola bars, cut-up sandwiches, anything small and not leaky could work.

        2. Miles To Go*

          I tend to eat 1/4 of a Go Macro bar every hour or two. It’s about 8 carbs for that, dairy free, doesn’t need to be kept cold, and portable. My go to flavor is the sunflower butter one, so enough protein to give the acid something to chew on. Also I eat a lot of hard cheese, which is lower in lactose compared to fresh soft cheeses, but you may find that harder on the desk.

    3. tab*

      I cut out all NSAID pain relievers, and that helped a lot. Now it only seems to show up if I drink to0 much.

      1. Going Full Boyle*

        Yep, I only take Tylenol now. I tried that after going on Prilosec and therefore not experiencing symptoms, so I’m not sure how much it will affect my heartburn. *sigh*

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      I was on Prilosec and then a higher level PPI. I did make some dietary /lifestyle changes and managed to get off of them for about 99.9% of the time. (I have really bad osteoporosis and the fracture risk is real for me).

      I went to much smaller, frequent meals. I carry crackers, nuts, etc so if I’m stuck in a work meeting or away, I have easy access to something I can have. I made my meal sizes much smaller… literally stopping before I’m full, when I begin to feel satisfied (knowing I can always have more later, if I miscalculated).

      I never eat within “X” hours of going to bed/ laying down for a nap, anything horizontal. For my mom, we put the head of the bed up, so that gravity never pushes the acid into the esophagus. (adjustable bed but you can just put blocks under the upper half legs, wedge pillow, etc).

      I also – personally – began adding kombucha, real fermented cabbage, yoghurt, and the very good probiotics, into my diet. Somehow, a little more acid seemed to help me, if it was fermented, the right kind. Dairy and chocolate really trigger me (I have had a pretty bad ulcer in the very recent past), so I have given up big helpings of dairy except for special occasions (no ice cream or string cheese, etc, anywhere near bed).

      And, I got chewable calcium citrate for my calcium source. So I chew those (which really soak up the stomach acid too), instead of just taking vitamins.

      And some other suggestions that worked for me. No alcohol or only with a meal (very rare glass of wine at a celebratory meal when I can have bread to soak it up), no NSAIDS (contraindicated now with that history of ulcer), stop my (lower acid) coffee at lunch, etc. I also gave up colas/ sodas. I am thinking of giving up the carbonated flavored water, but I’m doing okay right now, so… as long as the stomach acid stays normal, I may be able to keep that. (But drink plenty of water, it does thin the acid).

      If I truly am struggling, I’ll take one (even though they say 14 days – and not a doc) and generally, it works within 30-45 minutes if I make a big mistake. (Wine tasting picnic festival thing, and lunch was delayed, I’m doubled over at the winery waiting in line to eat… I carry some with me plus the chewable calcium when I travel =contingency planning, but did not have any of my crackers/ snacks).

      But mostly, I can go months without having to take one, just with a few adjustments that are now habits. I think it’s been a year now.

    6. Extra anonymous GERD friend.*

      I do several things: Sleep with the head of the bed just a bit elevated (on blocks); sleep on my back or left side, NEVER on my right; take Gelusil or liquid Gaviscon for on-the-spot relief; chew DGL 3-4 times a day if things are really bad; avoid all the things you’re avoiding. And alcohol. And popcorn (and I have also have a lot of other random food sensitivities, so I feel your frustration.)

    7. Teapot Translator*

      I have GERD and I’m taking PPI. I did see a gastroenterologist and I’ve been told that I basically have to continue taking the medication because the alternative would be worse for me.
      But I am interested in other people’s recommendations. Maybe it will help me in the long term.

    8. WS*

      It turned out that my psoriatic arthritis can also cause severe GERD and inflammatory bowel disease, hooray, and the thing that was actually the best for me (while I got it under control with other medication) was the liquid Gaviscon. I was really surprised, since I thought that was the starting point for mild GERD only, but I took 10mL before every meal and it helped a great deal.

  71. ampersand*

    I know ADD/ADHD comes up frequently enough in the comments here but I’m not remembering if this has been covered before: what’s the best way to go about getting tested for ADHD as an adult woman (in the US)? I have relatively good insurance, which helps. Anyone else been through this process before? What was it like, and was it helpful to have a diagnosis?

    1. taylor swift*

      I never got tested. I spent a few years in therapy and my therapist suggested I see a psychiatrist because of anxiety/obsessive thoughts/etc. I went and saw a psychiatrist and over several visits and several different attempts at meds we talked and he thought ADD or ADHD could be possible. He had me fill out a questionnaire for adhd symptoms but said it was for insurance purposes… we tried Adderall and that’s been insanely helpful in getting me to organize my life and stay focused. I don’t know if I definitely have ADHD but the meds have been life-changing.

      1. ampersand*

        Thanks for sharing! I didn’t realize you could get medication without testing that leads to a diagnosis—I say that because I keep imagining the process involves *hours* of testing. I’m not sure I would want to take an amphetamine—on one hand, I’m sensitive to medications and taking a couple of others already, and on the other hand caffeine really helps me focus so maybe the right prescription would help. I dread this whole process.

        1. No ADHD, just anxious.*

          Some doctors ask you to undergo neuropsych testing and some don’t. All you can do is ask. For what it’s worth, the tests are actually fun.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I originally got diagnosed by talking to my GP, who sent me to a psychologist. He just interviewed me and sent a dx report back to my doc, who did the prescribing. Very low hassle.

      This past January, my doc referred out all her ADHD maintenance patients, because you have to be seen every 3-6 months, and it was taking up too much time in her practice. Finding a new doc was a bit of hassle, and the new guy did neuropsych testing, which was basically 20 minutes of the world’s most dull and tedious video game.

      Then he abruptly closed his practice
      for undisclosed reasons, and I had to find a third doc, which was even more hassle. The new provider is a psychiatric nurse in practice with a therapy group of psychiatrists, psychologists, and licensed social workers.

      One thing I would warn about: There’s a strong attraction for some folks with ADHD to become ADHD specialists. All 3 of mine have been, and a couple of people I knew growing up who had it also went into that work.

      In one hand, they’re lovely because they really get it and will give you fantastic info. The downside is that they have no business trying to run a medical practice – I had to call the psychologist 3 times to get the report sent to my GP. Doc #2 would ramble so much, my appointments took 2 hours. They’ve both fallen off the map, and trying to get my records was ridiculous.

      So your GP will probably give you a list of names. Go for larger group practices, even if they are further away or there’s a wait. It’s worth it for the stability, and to have staff keeping them in line.

      It’s hard enough managing my own ADHD. I don’t have energy to manage the doctor too.

      1. ampersand*

        That is a really interesting/fascinating point–that is not something I had thought about re: people with ADHD going into ADHD-related fields, and potential issues that may arise. I appreciate that perspective. That reminds me of a doctor I had years ago (he was a specialist) who just…disappeared. I called to make an appointment one day and his staff said he’d been gone for a while; none of them knew where he was or when he’d be back. They sounded pretty frustrated by it, understandably. You’d expect for professionals to behave professionally, but it’s not always the case!

        And I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to switch providers so many times. That’s annoying.

    3. Beaded Librarian*

      I my case I was in out patient psychiatric hospitalization and the nurses started suspecting I had ADD based on what they were seeing. The psychiatrist agreed with them and put me on Adderall with the caveat that if I started feeling manic to stop taking it immediately as they would have misdiagnosed me. The Adderall and diagnosis helped immensely even though I have since had to go on a different medication.

  72. MOAS*

    I posted last week about my various issues. My sugars are finally getting under control again but only because I’m taking my meds regularly. I feel like a failure for having to rely on medicine and not just diet/exercise. I saw my pcp this week for a recurrent UTI and back/leg pain. I swear, I take aleve and it makes my pain worse. My wrist pain went from 3 when I move it weird to 9 when I’m stationary. I made about 5-6 appts for October, with the endocrinologist, the hand dr the orthopedic dr the urologist etc, hoping I can get to what’s going on

    My friends having a thing at her house and I totally forgot to tell her I won’t be able to go. I thought I did but didn’t. She’s miffed but understands. I feel bad. But this just made me realize that I’ve been feeling like crap for almost 2 years now. Idk if it’s just regular aging (34) or weight or what.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Not a failure for having to use medicine! Gentle hug….. Think of it this way, if you needed antibiotic to take care of a seriously infected wound, would you think you should be able to “beat it” without the medication? Not a doctor (but from an entire cohort of people with documented metabolic issues). I don’t “think” that my sister should fault herself for needing medication to keep her blood sugars under control, rather I’m grateful she has the option to take charge and manage her health with the right tools. Does that help? over 50% of the children in my mom’s family – until the development of insulin – died by age 12, the rest ALL got adult onset diabetes, and some really suffered until treatment became available.
      Just… encouraging you to reframe the view you have of this and be kind to yourself. Wishing you all the best in the journey to health.

      1. MOAS*

        Thank you for the gentle reminder. I’m in many online groups and some of that negativity (“I beat diabetes with keto & fasting! Insulin injections will kill you, medicine will kill you!) is messing up my head

        1. valentine*

          Instead of saying what they think, people often share what they think is an ideal, what they think people want to hear, what others would tell them, or what they’ve heard people say in similar situations. Let words that don’t serve you wash downstream.

        2. Miles To Go*

          Those people haven’t beaten diabetes. They’re going to end up with serious health crises down the line.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I hit 34 like a car doing 90 mph into a brick wall. I started reading and reading. I found an article that said at 34 we start to exhibit the symptoms that will get us in the end. Notice, we can still have a very long active life, but 34 seems to be the turning point where stuff starts nagging and nagging. So no. It’s not just you.

      You seem like a very nice person. I don’t think you would ever tell a friend they failed because they have to take meds. If it helps you to stay alive and have a quality of life that is definitely NOT a failure at all.

      Wrist pain is a special hell. I can’t remember did anyone mention computer mouses to you? I got a track ball mouse and it reduced my wrist pain so much. I have a wireless mouse at work and that has been very helpful also. I can move the mouse to a place where I can rest my entire forearm on the desk while operating the mouse. At home, with the track ball, I don’t need to rest on anything, I am fine.

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        LOL, I love this comment because I got pregnant when I was 34, and the resultant child is in fact nagging and nagging! x-D

    3. Siege*

      I feel you. I’m moving back to my hometown soon to work on my health, and I’m constantly having to remind myself that my medical issues are not my fault. That I can’t do the big, important stuff if Im sick all the time. Best wishes; it’s not an easy thing to go through.

  73. NicoleK*

    Need to vent. The US postal service lost my retirement rollerover check. It was mailed certified so I have proof they lost the check, but I can’t get a refund cause they don’t issue refunds for certified mail. Grrr….

    1. Filosofickle*

      Oh no, that sucks! Have you submitted the “missing mail” search form?

      This summer the USPS lost two rent of my mail checks. Never received, never returned, never found. Probably misdelivered. The number of complaints about misdelivered mail in my neighborhood is alarming.

      2. Dan*

        Wow. My apartment complex reserves the right to evict you if you rent late twice in your lease period. Electronic payments are a godsend. I’d go nuts if I had to rely on USPS.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I have a good landlord and I’ve been here for a long time, so so I have goodwill built up. Definitely made me nervous, though! For the next couple of months I walked my checks into her business, but it’s almost an hour out of my way so that sucks. She finally responded to my request for electronic payments and I’ll start doing that as of next month.

      3. Kimmybear*

        The combination of packages stolen off the front porch and USPS losing/misdelivering mail has reached epic status is my neighborhood. Trying to come up with alternatives if anyone has suggestions.

    2. fposte*

      Ouch. Is this the kind where you have a 60-day limit to get it into your IRA or else it counts as a taxable disbursement? If so, I’d bite the bullet and ask the vendor to stop payment and reissue.

  74. Just Married*

    Name changing tips requested.

    I was married in July and am starting the process of changing my last name with the various places I need to do so. I’ve already taken care of the Social Security Administration and my state drivers license (will not be received in FOUR weeks btw). I also have a spreadsheet list going where I will probably be adding things until I turn 100.

    Any tips/things you learned that would make the process easier would be appreciated.

    Also, did you change your name with the university you received your degree from years ago?

    1. Aphrodite*

      I changed my whole name, first, middle and last, back in 1989 using the court petition method. I found that government agencies were the easiest to deal with. They are used to name changes. Banks and investment firms needed proof; the purple-stamped official copies issued by the courts were all that were needed. I would suggest having at least a dozen copies; more would be better because places often want only official copies.

      I don’t think I went back and changed my name with the university but I no longer needed to list that by the time I changed my name. If you are young enough to need to list it, then yes, I’d probably send them an official copy. They will likely list you under both names.

      The most annoying changes for me were what you’d think would be the simplest ones. Cox Cable nearly drove me insane. I had to go through multiple managers (who all claimed that despite a perfect record of on-time payments for about ten years) that I was trying to get out of paying a bill like all the college students in town by putting my account into a new name so they had to charge me $25. It wasn’t until I got to the general manager who said “of course we’ll do that with no charge” that I finally got a solution.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve done it six times, most recently two years ago. DL, Social Security and my Southwest frequent flyer program of all damn things were the most complicated. Passport and TSA precheck were easy, just time consuming. Most of my financial institutions and my utilities just needed to see a copy of the paperwork, quite a few of them let me email or upload a scanned version. I didn’t bother with previous schools I’d attended.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Also, re the advice to order a dozen copies of paperwork – I only ordered two copies of our official marriage certificate, and the only place I had to actually send one in (as opposed to showing it, but keeping it in my possession) was for my passport.

    3. Orange You Glad*

      When I had to update the registration for my car, it was in my old name and I couldn’t do it online because my records didn’t match.

      I had to take my new ID, my court paperwork showing my name change, and my car paperwork down to the county offices. The whole thing was a hassle I wasn’t expecting!

    4. ThatGirl*

      No need to change the name on your degree. Many many people get married and change names after college.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Yeah, with “woman changed last name when she got married” name changes, everyone is so used to that happening that you can just list both your married name and your maiden name on any form or background check where people want to look into your history and it might come up, and anyone who is checking up on old degrees or such will be really used to dealing with this. You only need to change your name on current things, like ID, bank accounts, bills, and such, rather than on the entire Historical Record of You unless you’re actively trying to prevent your old name from ever being used in relation to you any more.

    5. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Make copies of your name change docs, both scanned and hard copies. Not everywhere will take a copy vs the original, but they’re still useful to have, and having the scanned docs all together in a single .pdf makes it really easy to change your name anywhere that will take digital docs. It seems obvious, but it didn’t occur to me until I was a bit into the weeds with the name update that just having those at my fingertips would make my life 500x easier.

      Getting your passport updated as soon as you can is really helpful, too, since passports are accepted as combo photo ID/birth cert standins in a lot of places.

      Have your old name as an alias/AKA at your financial institution(s).

  75. Aphrodite*

    Grandpa Mason.

    God, we all miss you. But you did a great job going from a 4-month predicted lifespan to 3 years, 1 months and three weeks. No doubt your stubbornness helped you stay with us but Mama Shelly and Auntie Gwen were so determined that you live the best life possible. And they did. So many people (and cats) will miss you. I donated $120 CAD at 6:00 pm on Thursday in your honor. And Aura, now becoming known as Auntie Aura, has earned her Phd from Grandpa Mason’s School of Excellence; you’d be so proud that she is continuing your traditions with all future kittens. (I think she might need a bit more training in fashion-forward hairstyling, however.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      sorry to hear but it sounds like the future fur babies have a wonderful legacy and there will be the older, wiser one waiting for them – and already enjoying the company of those that went before – on the other side of the rainbow bridge. Hug.

      1. The Francher Kid*

        I was moved to tears by Grandpa Mason’s original story and followed his further adventures. I am so very grateful that his last years and days were filled with love and peace and purpose. Rest peacefully, Eldest, we honor you.

    4. Perstephanie*

      Watching Grandpa Mason, we got to watch love and healing unfold before our eyes, in real time, over and over again. He taught kittens how to cat and humans how to human. Miss him already.

  76. WellRed*

    General question about FSAs. I’m about to get hit with a sizable medical bill ( but yay, deductible met?). I’ll need to set up a payment plan. Can I only use contributions from this year to make ongoing monthly payments 0r, can I use contributions from next year as well?

    1. fposte*

      Unfortunately, it looks like that’s a no-go and it’s date of service, not date of billing, that controls: “For purposes of the Health Care Flexible Spending Account (FSA), medical expenses are incurred when the employee (or the employee’s spouse or dependents) is provided with the medical care that gives rise to the medical expenses, and not when the employee is billed, charged for, or pays for the medical care.”

      1. WellRed*

        I’m receiving care and being billed during plan year 2019. If I start making payments this month using FSA $ can I continue for the next several months into 2020 using contributions made for 2020? That was possible under HSAs but FSAs are a bit different. And not in a good way.

        1. Dan*

          You incurred the expense during 2019 as you noted, I think you are SOL using 2020 funds.

          FSAs suck TBH. As a policy/benefit/whatever, they’re just flawed from top to bottom. First, you have to take a SWAG at what your expenses are going to be. One year, I ended up with $5k in “eligible” expenses that I didn’t see coming, and had only set aside $1k. Second, you lose what you don’t spend. So if you guess on the high side and come up short, you’re out the money. Third, they’re a regressive tax on poor people. Generally I hate those kinds of arguments, but the reality is, FSAs are of bigger benefit to higher income people and of lower benefit to lower income people.

          1. WellRed*

            I’m particularly irritated because my deductible is 2k, but the IRS considers $1350 to he a high deductible plan, therefore I should theoretically have had access to an HSA instead.

            1. WellRed*

              Mine too, but there won’t be anything to carry over. The bill is $2200. I have $1400 in the FSA with 3 more months of prescriptions and other potential expenses for this year. I’ll spend $200 this week to refill insulin, for example. Sigh. Health care is not for the weak.

              1. Dr. Anonymous*

                Check to see if you meet the discount card qualifications for your insulin as well. The manufacturer’s web site should help you with that.

                1. WellRed*

                  Lot of loopholes and income guidelines to qualify for prescription relief. Don’t let the manufacturers fool you. (I hope this doesn’t sound bitter, it’s meant to be educational and raise awareness of big pharma bs).

            2. Dan*

              Same, but that’s not really relevant to the OP here. You’d be using 2019 funds to cover 2020 expenses; OP is asking about using 2020 funds to cover expenses incurred in 2019.

              1. WellRed*

                Exactly! I think I’m screwed on this one and plan to express my displeasure to the HR benefits team during open enrollment.

                1. valentine*

                  You can only use the $1400, but see if there’s any way you can negotiate the bill down to that, maybe by offering to pay it in one feel swoop (ouch).

                  If there are anything like lab fees, can your doctor reevaluate to see if insurance will cover? Is insulin something you can get a discount on if you pay cash at the pharmacy?

                2. Dan*

                  @Valentine

                  Your idea is actually pretty good. Now that I think about it, FSA funds don’t “accrue” as you make your contributions, they’re just “there”. So, for the sake of conversation, assume OP hasn’t spent any FSA money all year. She’d have that entire pot of money to use all that once if she so chose.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Best: a pretty chill week! Got some more ultrasound pics of baby #2 (a girl! Can’t remember if I’ve said anything here yet, but there it is, Little Brackets #2 due this winter), and had a really fun and refreshing retreat/seminar with some friends last night and this morning.

      Worst: potty training. Someone please tell me it won’t always be this frustrating.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        They will get potty trained. Very, very few adults can’t use the bathroom, and they have medical reasons.

        My friend’s family didn’t potty train the younger kids at all. The kids knew where the bathroom was and knew that big kids use the toilet. The whole family kept changing diapers and making humorous yet slightly passive aggressive comments about how nice it would be if the kid would potty train themself until the kid decided to start using the pot. And it worked. I don’t remember ages, but I don’t think they were much if any older than most kids.

        I don’t suggest that you do this. For starters, I doubt your kid has 7 or 8 older siblings as role models. But if their method works, and those people who start training at six months also work, then everything will work out for you too. I’d suggest you slow down and smell the roses, but nobody wants to sniff too deeply while potty training.

    2. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Getting to chill out alone in my house today. Husband is working and it’s just me and the dogs. Had breakfast with Mr. Ruffingit and a long nap and now I’m just lazing around.

      WORST: Stress from that place that shall not be named.

    3. Llama Face!*

      Best: It’s a tie:
      1). A book I’d ordered from an amazon seller had gotten lost & they already refunded me. But this week it mysteriously turned up in my mailbox! Not sure what it was doing for an extra month in transit since the package looks pristine. The best part is that the seller already said I didn’t have to worry and could just keep it if it showed up eventually. So yay free book!
      2). I had to get a potentially serious medical thing checked out and it ended up being absolutely harmless.

      Worst: The weather changes have already started giving me SAD-like symptoms and it is way too early for that.

    4. Jaid*

      Best: Getting my cook on.

      Worst: Having a low grade fever for no good reason, except for the dang weather change. I took a couple of days off, but I’m still dealing with it.

      1. Weegie*

        Best: a sudden burst of lovely, sunny late-summer weather yesterday meant I could get my washing out on the line and spend all day in the garden.

        Worst: overdid the gardening a bit and today I ache all over.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Best… we saved at least $400 by taking down a dead oak tree ourselves.
      Worst…one limb drove a hole through our driveway on is way down.

    6. Filosofickle*

      Best: Last minute visit from old friends and baking (and turning out) an upside-down plum cake.

      Worst: Feelings about death and aging. Grandma died a week ago. (Which I don’t note asking for sympathy. She was 96 with dementia and almost no quality of life, and we weren’t close. This is sad, but more relief than grief. Still, feelings.)

    7. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: saw adoptable pups and kitties and ate dark chocolate gelato

      Worst: huge temp change (86 to 56 to 90) means sinus issues (tight TMJ-like jaw), slight head pain, post nasal drip. I’ve tried hot showers, hot compresses, Tylenol, Sudafed, mucinex, lots of sleep, and I still feel “off”.

    8. Isotopes*

      Best: camping weekend with friends! Super fun.
      Worst: ex coming after me for more money. Not surprising, just frustrating.

  78. Anono-me*

    Roomba style vacuum users advice please.

    We are thinking of giving a roomba or similar vacuum as a gift. The recipients have mostly lower nap carpet with some laminate and a little linoleum. One uses an oxygen machine. No pets. What do you suggest we look for and what should we avoid? How do the machines deal with oxygen tubes?

    Thank you.

    1. Breast Solidarity*

      We have a eufy brand and we love it. Hardwood floors and area rugs. We have multiple fur-babies, a wood stove, live on a dirt road and it makes a huge difference!

      It does like to try to tangle up cords and stuff, so I suspect best bet would be to lift oxygen tubing out of the way as with cords.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I brought mine down to Mom’s to let her see it in action and she said it would be a trip hazard for her. If your people don’t have mom’s balance & vision issues, here are some pros&cons:
      My Roomba and my Samsung both tangle fringed rugs. Both get stuck under baseboard heaters and some cabinets. Samsung handles “cliffs” better — just turns around and goes on, but my ancient Roomba stops & beeps. Roomba does tile better than Samsung. Samsung does corners better than Roomba. Roomba has been more repairable–my Samsung is currently dead for a mysterious sensor failure that even perplexe’s my engineer husband. Roomba is so modular we just replaced a motor module for about $40. Both need their dust cup emptied every time & brushes cleaned depending on how many long-haired mammals live in the house.
      Both need periodic deep cleaning — like open the body and clean out dust before the motor overheats. Both sell replacement brushes, and aftermarket versions are available on amazon. Batteries will eventually need to be replaced too.
      Neither is a 100% replacement for a thorough vacuuming with a real unit, but boy do they keep down the general levels of dust. I have 2 because one was waiting for mr.fixit to find time to repair it and I spotted the rival brand on a Prime Day sale. When both work, I have Roomba in the basement and Samsung upstairs so no need to block off the staircase.
      Phew that got long…hope it helps.

      1. Eva and Me*

        Yes, to all of that! We had a roomba that sometimes closed itself in our powder room — it actually closed the door and would be stuck in there until we found it/it ran out of juice, and I hated the mess it made of the fringe on the dining room rug. Also, needs lots of batteries for the boundary sensors, something I didn’t think about until we were setting it all up. And cleaning the unit out frequently, as well. In the end, I gave up on it and found I prefer vacuuming myself. Who knew?

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Oh I still love mine…but robovac or no definitely is anot individual decision. We don’t bother with the boundary sensors, btw, just make sure to close doors to bathrooms. It tries to climb the toilet base.

    3. Anono-me*

      Thank you everyone.

      I vacuum when we visit, but it isn’t often enough. This sounds like a good alternative.

  79. valentine*

    Dental X-rays: Are the medieval metal holders (they’re too small for my mouth) really better than the Star Trek booth where the camera does a 180 around your mouth? (I loved that booth, y’all. I briefly imagined having one in my home.)

    Mammograms: Is standing really mandatory and wouldn’t an MRI be better? (Another swanky booth! They need to scrap the WWII sub models, though.)

    1. WellRed*

      Aside from the higher cost if an MRI, I wouldn’t want to be in that noisy tube unless absolutely necessary. I think it’s also just a really different technology. As to standing, they must have an accommodation for women in wheelchairs.

      1. valentine*

        they must have an accommodation for women in wheelchairs.
        There’s a wheelchair symbol on the pedal on the floor, yet the scheduler always says I can’t sit and the tech said I couldn’t even kneel on a chair. I really don’t want to have to harass them and I wish I’d asked my gyn, but maybe I will next year.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Maybe next year try telling them when the appointment is booked that you’ll need to be seated during the mammogram? (Ideally, have your doctor also say this.) I have no idea if it’s something that would require extra time to set up the machine for or something, but if so it would make sense that they’d need to know when booking rather than adjust on the fly. They have to have some plan for women who can’t stand or can’t stand that long, so try and get yourself flagged as needing that plan applied in advance.

    2. Book Lover*

      Sure. MRIs would be great if we had enough machines for everyone to get one instead of a mammogram and if we wanted to spend substantially more than the cost of a mammogram.

      No answer for dental – hate the X-rays, so miserable.

    3. Breast Solidarity*

      Breast MRIs also require gadolinium contrast, which has its own health risks, especially with repeated use.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Re: the mammogram vs MRI – if you have dense breast tissue the MRI will provide a better view than a mammogram if there is anything lurking in the shadows. Just something to consider…

    5. brushandfloss*

      Dental X-rays- the panoramic machine( goes around the head) is good for checking wisdom teeth, bone density for implants and for kids checking proper tooth development.

      Positioning systems (metal bars and plastic hoops) are used for individual periapical and bitewings xrays. Those xrays are for checking periodontal disease, caries and possible other gingiva problems.

  80. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    Ok, help!

    Turns out the crockpot at the place I’m housesitting is actually a pressure cooker. An instant pot, but cosori brand. I’m making lunch after church tomorrow. Was planning on making chicken pot pie, with the biscuit part in the oven.

    Capacity: I’ll be feeding 5 hungry people and would like leftovers. All the recipes I’m seeing serve 4 or 6. Not enough. The volume capacity on the insert is 12 cups, maybe two inches below the rim. Can I increase the recipe?

    Safety: It’s a pressure cooker! Surely there are safety precautions. No manual. Can someone explain it to me, or should I try to find a manual online?

    Saute: Some recipes call for sauteing the onions first in the cooker. Can’t I just build a roux over that, or do roux not work in this gizmo?

    Cook time: The recipes seem to call for a 2-3 minute cook time. Is this legit?!

    Oh, and if anyone has a chicken pot pie base in the instant pot recipe that they love, I’d appreciate it greatly.

    1. BRR*

      If the recipe says 2-3 min I’d believe it. They cook super quick. It will take like 15 min to heat up. Electric pressure cookers are very safe. Just make sure the valve is closed when you start it and be careful of steam when releasing the pressure. Maybe try and google for the instructions?

    2. Jaid*

      The 2-3 minute time is for after the Cosori has heated up and pressurized.

      Usually there is a valve you turn to one side for the pressure. It looks like a knob. Next to it will be a silver button, which goes up during pressurization. When the timer goes off, you can wait however long it takes for that button to go down (natural release) OR turn the knob to release the pressure. However, that is scary and will release a lot of steam, so you’re not gonna use your hand for that…use tongs.

      You can make a roux in the pot.

      Um, google Cosari.com chicken pot pie and there’s a recipe, which makes six servings.

      Hope this helps!

    3. IAmOnlyInItForThePoetry*

      The roux should be added after the pressure cook instead of before. The pressure cooker works off the liquids in the recipe and is better if the liquids aren’t thickened. If you are uncomfortable with using the pressure cooker, you may want to use stovetop and oven instead.

      I have an instant pot and I rarely use it for chicken dishes. It can be tricky if you don’t know how to use them (and even when you do.)

      I’ll post a link to my fav pot pie recipe in a comment. It calls for biscuits but would be good with any type of crust.

    4. Not A Manager*

      So, here’s a radical suggestion. Since you’re cooking for others and you’re not so familiar with the equipment, why don’t you just make the stew today, on the stovetop or in the oven? The flavors will blend overnight, and you can heat it up after church while you bake the biscuits.

    5. Beatrice*

      I have an instant pot – you should look up a manual. One important safety precaution for mine is that you shouldn’t fill it more than 2/3 full (there is a mark inside the pot) when using pressure, or more than 1/2 full if cooking ingredients that will expand (beans, rice, etc).

  81. Paperdill*

    My husband was recently made a partner at his law firm. I’m extremely proud of him and obviously the pay increase is great, but it means he is working practically every evening and weekend, as well. We have 3 young boys who adore their father and when he isn’t working he is the most WONDERFUL father is could hope for. However, due to his work hours, I am kinda feeling like a single parent at the moment and I am going a bit crazy – like, I think I genuinely need some therapy but can’t think when I could even do so. My middle child looks to have ADHD and possibly ASD, so managing all of that has also been on my shoulders. I love my kids so so much but I never get a break. I work 2 days a week and I theoretically love my job, but emotionally I have lost my passion for it – just getting everyone out of the house and to day care and myself to the office is exhausting, then I have nothing left in my to give to my work (which can be quite emotionally draining itself).
    So, the question I am batting around in my head is, is it worth it to continue working for now? I’m torn between wanting to give my family the best of myself and taking a bit of a break and managing the household while kids are at day care, and wanting to keep my work seat warm for when I’m ready to be a bit more career-y again and contributing financially to the household (which, tbh, is a bit of a pittance compared to what my husband contributes).
    (I realize this is really, very privileged sounding and I’m sorry, I really am)

    1. Ruffingit*

      Whether it’s worth it to continue working depends on a few factors: Scheduling concerns, could you easily return to work when you wish (are you planning to keep your skills up), social security/401k matching, etc. There are non-financial positives to working such as if your company does 401k match for example, you’d be losing out on that benefit.

      Frankly, if the issue is that you’re going nuts getting out of the house with the kids, I’d say hire some help. Get a mother’s helper for the morning hours/school pickup, then leave before the kids are off to school and get some coffee and chill before work or whatever would be helpful to you. Maybe even get a maid once a week. If you can afford it, there is NO SHAME in doing it. Get some help. You’re single-parenting right now and that is rough on the best of days, get some help.

      1. Dan*

        Just for the sake of conversation… 401k matching is very much a financial benefit. If I were making a list of non-financial benefits of work, I’d be looking at things like exercising one’s brain, human adult contact, and the “barrier to return” when trying to re-enter the workforce.

        1. Paperdill*

          Lol – I’m on in the US so I’m not entirely sure what 401k is, but in terms of superannuation etc., I think we can afford for me to go without for a year or 2.
          As for the non-financial benefits of work…funnily enough, I work in child development and most of my roll is counseling other parents. Soo..I’m kind a sick of talking about kids.
          I do want to exercise my brain, though, because it is mush. I am pausing to think how much work is actually doing that or exacerbating the mush, tho.
          Thanks for your replies, guys.

          1. Beatrice*

            A 401K is a retirement savings account. A 401K match is an employer’s contribution to your account that matches your own contribution, or part of your contribution, usually to a limit. What they were trying to say is, if keeping your job puts you in a better position for retirement, make sure you consider that in your decision. Not sure how retirement savings work in your country. :)

        2. Ruffingit*

          Yeah it’s true 401k is financial, I was separating that from the annual salary though when I said “non-financial.” As in, you might break even once you look at salary vs. childcare costs, etc, but the benefits not readily seen such as matching are worth looking at.

      2. Paperdill*

        Oh, but I do feel the shame!
        Shouldn’t I be the perfect housewife that can do everything all the time?? ().

        1. valentine*

          Shouldn’t I be the perfect housewife that can do everything all the time??
          This is the issue I see, in the sense that you start with your husband and how the kids need him (not a minder), then end up with how can you do more and give more and take less for yourself? (There was a post here this month or last about a guy who won’t take the kids so the OP can do her hobby, yet the whole family has to go with him to do what he likes. The responses there may give you food for thought.)

          To me, the obvious release valve is for your husband to cut his hours, change jobs or industries, whatever, to contribute hands-on, not just financially, in the way your family needs. The only way it makes sense to me for the higher-paid partner’s (double partner, now, I guess; kinda hope he plays tennis as well) job to be primary is if there’s an expiration date and the purpose is to save up money for bills so everyone can pursue their passion or what have you. So. If you sit down and write or draw the family life you agreed to versus the one you want versus the one the kids and you need, and list everything necessary for those last two to happen, what does that look like? Who does what, then? If you think of hubs and you as equal as far as parenting/work/fun, who does what, then? Who steps up or sideways or back? To keep your job, what would you need from him? What would your middle kid need from him to be okay while you’re working?

    2. Dan*

      I don’t think you should apologize for sounding privileged or whatever. We all have our own lives and our own struggles, and the fact that others have it worse than you doesn’t mean you don’t have your own very real problems.

      You’ve got a kid with special needs, and that’s not nothing. When you have a family, you certainly have responsibilities larger than yourself, so you’re definitely doing the right thing to make ask if they’re getting their needs met. You do need to make sure yours are as well, it’s not necessarily a zero-sum game.

      Work wise, if you’re just phoning it in, that can do long term harm for your reputation and career, meaning that your work seat may not be all that warm when you’re ready to “return”. So if you’re getting stretched too thin and it’s showing, I think you need to take a hard look at whether work is doing you any favors. If you’re just not living up to your own self-established potential and most people can’t really tell, then don’t sweat it too much.

      That said, work can be a break, and we all need adult contact. So work does serve a purpose. And I fully acknowledge how damn hard it is to return to the work force if you take extended time off. So taking time off can count against you too.

      So advice wise, I think you ought to “step back” and take a holistic view of things. Does something *need* to change/give? If so, it’s probably work that has to go. Would paid help with the middle be an option?

    3. Xavier89*

      If you don’t want to give up work and if it’s financially doable maybe have the kids go to daycare for a third day and then you take that time to try and focus on yourself

      1. Paperdill*

        I have thought about that, but my middle guy is really struggling with the 2 days, already (plus I’d miss them. Plus mother guilt. All the things!).

        1. Anono-me*

          Sometimes the easiest and cheapest way to solve a problem is to throw money at it. It sounds like with your husband’s raise that this would be possible. Feel lucky if this is the case and then hire a housekeeper and also hire out any chores that are eatting up time that your husband could be spending with you and the kids.
          (This is not something that you should feel any guilt about. I promise that neither of your kids will be upset that you aren’t scrubbing the toilets. And someone else wants the job to take care of their family.)

    4. Not A Manager*

      Do what makes you feel safe and happy now. It sounds like you have sufficient resources that you’re not placing your family in jeopardy by doing so. A few years out of the workforce isn’t insurmountable, especially when you have a good narrative. Also, with your skills you should have a number of volunteer opportunities that will exercise your brain and provide some bridge resume fodder.

      Likewise, it sounds like you have sufficient income that you could hire some help so that you can manage your job. Even if it turns out to be a wash in terms of your current salary vs. the cost of support, if you WANT to keep working, then think of the $ as an investment in your future career.

      But it doesn’t sound like you want to keep working right now. If so, take a break and enjoy it. BUT… I see a lot of guilt and high expectations in your posts. If you are going to quit work, don’t think that you need to do penance by being even MORE perfect and even MORE available to everyone. Be sure to schedule in time for your own private experiences and well being.

    5. Goose Lavel*

      I can give a child’s perspective as I was raised in a family where my father worked all the time as an executive at Ford Motor Company.

      My earliest memories of him were that he was clean shaven and smelled nice in the morning and he had a scruffy face and didn’t smell as clean at night. I didn’t get much time with Dad or much love from him when he was home, as he was often tired and grumpy.

      Mom didn’t work and stayed home with us boys. I was the youngest of three, my oldest brother is 9 years older than me. She made all the meals, cleaned the house and took care of everything as best she could. She entered the workplace when I was in junior high school and really loved the experience of working with other adults.

      I didn’t know it at the time, but we were upper middle class. I enjoyed my own room with TV and nice stereo. We often moved due to Dad’s job, we always had a new home and had very nice furnishings. Always had the latest new car from Ford in the garage.

      As I think back now after both of my parents are dead, I would have changed a lot of things so I could have had more time with Dad. I would have traded my upper middle class lifestyle, new homes and nice things so I could have had a that loving father at home, instead of a father who worked all the time. I felt truly loved by my mother and she did the best she could, but I think it would have been better to have been raised by two parents rather than just one.

      This is my experience and I know everyone’s upbringing is unique. I say you should stay home full-time with your kids and get back to the workforce only when the youngest is a fully independent young adult.

      1. Washi*

        As someone who had the opposite, I couldn’t agree more! My dad took a 50% paycut leaving his fancy law firm, and when I think about my childhood, I’m so glad he did, and he is too. Money was tight sometimes, but there’s no vacations/nice clothes/private school that could make up for getting to eat dinner with my dad every night and getting to play with him on the weekends.

        1. Washi*

          Sorry, I realized after I posted that this sounds pretty glib. To give more background, when I was a toddler, my mom was feeling about how you sound – stretched too thin, always stressed, doing 99% of childcare and housework. The other piece of the puzzle is that my dad wasn’t loving his job either, and I think the choices they made would have been much more painful if he had. But yeah, they ended up totally changing their lifestyle – downsized, left their dream house and moved to a more rural area, traveled and ate out very little, etc. As I said, I’m glad they did and love the way I grew up, but I didn’t mean to make it sound like an easy painless choice!

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. My husband’s father worked all the time, all the was through until my husband was in his early 20s–two jobs for many years–even though they weren’t struggling and it wasn’t necessary. His mom also worked for some of those years, though closer to part-time. Since he was always working, they never took vacations or even long weekends. My husband is now 50 and he’s told me many times he wishes his dad would have worked just one job. Although they have a good relationship, he doesn’t feel all that close to him and feels like making money was always more important.

    6. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I kinda plan to stay home with my kids, when and if I have some and circumstances allowing. I think it’s a perfectly sensible way to raise a family and live your life.

      Everybody always talks about ‘work to live’ until it comes to SAHMs. Then they want you to keep working even if you aren’t actually making any money after daycare. There are caveats for future hireability etc. but still the point of working is to support your life. If you don’t need the money by the blessing of your husband’s job, why do you need to work? Especially at a job that takes so much out of you.

      Raising a family is a entirely worthy use of your time. Caring for a special needs child is an abundantly worthy use of your time. You will not be a more worthy or successful person if you continue to run yourself ragged.

      And don’t be sorry for being privileged. It’s not something to apologize for.

    7. Koala dreams*

      You will need some kind of childcare for when you go to therapy. A great idea by the way! See if you can find a therapist or a support group for parents of children with special needs.

      In the ideal world, your husband would be able to take time off to take care of his children when you go to therapy (and other appointments), but we don’t live in the ideal world. In our world it’s necessary to puzzle with childcare and baby sitters. And who knows, maybe the children will enjoy having a baby sitter / going to childcare after they get used to it. I fondly remember the baby sitter who took care of me and my brother when we were kids.

    8. YetAnotherUsername*

      Presumably your dh’s promotion comes with more money right? So use the money the promotion brings to offset the problems the problems the promotion brings.

      Listen to best of both worlds its a podcast about being a working mom. One of the hosts has a husband who travels a lot for work and she also works full time and has 4 kids. She has a full time nanny and a part time nanny. One of the nanny comes in the morning to help with getting the kids up and out on days when her DH isn’t there. I think paying for extra help an hour a day would be cheaper than giving up your entire job.

    9. German Girl*

      How about getting an AuPair to help with the house and the kids?
      Maybe if you’d have help getting them to daycare or if they stayed at home with the AuPair, you’d have capacity to enjoy your job again?

  82. Live Bait*

    My ex and I have joint custody. We use a child care center that my employer offers a discount for. I recently found out my ex caused a scene and cursed in front of the classroom. I’m afraid the daycare will kick us out due to ex’s behavior. I can’t afford to pay for a different daycare. The only reason I can afford this is because of my discount. I am at a loss of what to do. I plan on consulting a lawyer but I don’t know if that will change anything.

    1. Paperdill*

      I am so sorry that has happened. I’m appalled that you should have to have such stress on your shoulders because your ex has chosen to act like such a child with such disregard for his child. What a tool.
      How much communication have you had with the day care about this, yourself? The most reasonable worse case scenario I can predict would be that ex is banned from coming to the centre to do drop off/pick up. In which case, are there work around for that for you?
      I can’t see you guys being kicked out completely for this.
      I’m so sorry you have to be burdened with this.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        My latch key could punt a student for a parent doing that.

        It’s one thing to go ham on staff away from the kids. Depending on what and how it was said, yeah they could dismiss a child. Especially for an employer sponsored day care that probably has a year long wait list.

        One solution, is to have one of your ex’s family member/friend go pick up the kid and let him wait in the car. This way he “still gets to see his kid/involved” and the staff doesn’t have to deal with his hot head/loud mouth.

    2. MatKnifeNinja*

      Could you grovel and have someone else pick your kid up?

      I can’t imagine what got him so fired up to do that. When I worked latch key, that type of over that top response was usually not having photo ID to sign the kid out at the end of the day. We had parents go flat out berserk.

      I would find out if a police report was filed. Where I work, when a parent behaved over the top horrible, we were to call the district supervisor and either the police and or file a police report. We had a parent get so angry about walking back to their car to get the photo ID, they flipped the welcome check in podium. That was a police call.

      Any way you can talk to the supervisor?

      The whole situation just sucks.

  83. Elizabeth West*

    I AM BESHOTTED

    Thanks to a coupon from GoodRx, I was able to get a flu shot today. Join the herd (immunity)!

    I also had a load of fun in my chat room earlier today posting some of the real estate listings from the L.A. Times (I got a subscription). I really look forward to the Hot Property section on Saturdays. You can look up the addresses on Zillow and peek inside the luxury homes. The decor in some of them is a scream. Why do rich people like mirrored furniture so much? That’s just weird, lololollll. We laughed over them for nearly an hour.

    Don’t get me wrong; I like L.A. and would move there in a heartbeat if I could. I can be as weird as I like with no repercussions, lol. I wish I could afford it; I also find a ton of cute houses that don’t cost Tony Stark money but are still way too expensive for me right now.

    2. Pam*

      I’m in LA, and I think those kind of houses are hilarious. In my neighborhood, there was a beautiful ranch-style house- nice paint job, beautifully done low water yard, etc. The inside house pictures were amazingly tacky: zebra-striped couches being the least of it.

      Getting my flu shot this weekend too.

    3. WellRed*

      So the new flu shots are out? In my fab diabetes group today someone asked about flu shots. One fool posted some old naturopathic article decrying vaccines. In a diabetes forum! I called her out on it.

      2. Anono-me*

        Check Costco. We got ours there last year and it was the best shot and lowest price in the nearish metro area. (It is my understanding that Membership is not required for pharmacy stuff. But you may want to ask.)

      3. Pam*

        Walgreens in my area does them for free- depending on your insurance. When I was a Kaiser member, they handed out flu shots like Halloween candy, and didn’t care if you were a member.

    5. Auntie Social*

      And why do they decorate like hotels? There’s nothing personal, nothing they’ve collected from their travels. Joan Rivers’ house in New York was too frou-frou in most rooms, but she collected, she’d had a life. It wasn’t all decorated in one afternoon. I hate minimalism and I hate gray. A decorator came into my therapist’s lobby while I was waiting for my appointment. She showed me fabric, paint and carpet swatches, all in gray. “Isnt this nice?” I asked her, “you want this for depressed people? Why don’t you just give us razor blades and send us to the bathroom?” The other patients started piling on and she about leapt over the billing clerk’s desk. They fired her and the new designer went with actual colors–it’s nice.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t mind less stuff. And I understand staging; hell, I have to do it every time I leave the house in case someone pings me for a viewing while I’m gone. But some of this ugh is in houses where it’s obvious the people are still there at least part of the time, or were when the listing photos were taken. I saw one today that had a closet full of clothes. The rest of the house was just — well different taste, I guess. >_<

        I really wish someone would explain the mirrored furniture, though. I keep seeing it and I'm like that medieval baby 'Y THO' meme. I don't understand that at all. Maybe it's not even theirs?

        1. MaxiesMommy*

          I make up stories in my head about families with mirrored furniture and zebra print chairs. They probably do the same about Pottery Barn.

        2. Jaid*

          Ooo, I like the mirrored bedroom set from Pier One. It’s named after Rita Hayworth and I think it looks pretty nice. It does remind me of movie stars and the sets from the 30’s and forties.

          I do have two mirrored cubes that I use as night stands. The rest of the collection is out of budget, LOL.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            One over-the-top house was very much in that style. In that case, it sort of fit. But I see it EVERYWHERE. In modern homes with clean lines, it doesn’t quite make the cut.

            Then there was one that looked like someone took a concrete office building and tried to live in it. It was scary — like a prison with couches.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      ugh, I was at the pharmacy this morning and forgot to ask if they do them. Regardless, I’m not currently healthy enough. Thanks for the reminder.

    7. Jaid*

      I have to put in for an appointment to get a shot at work. I’ve been running a temp, so I don’t know when I’ll be able to get it, though…

  84. Breast Solidarity*

    Advice welcome from those here who have been through chemo!

    Tips for dealing with the emotions, the fatigue, the just plain feeling awful, the brain fog? Dealing with family members?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t have a lot of advice about most of that stuff other than what you’d find online. Blankets, popsicles, naps etc.

      In terms of family, though, I do have advice. I think you’re talking about dealing with adult family members, not about caring for children. If so, I had a ruthless rule that “you’re in, or you’re out.” In were people who were actually supportive and useful and who lent us strength. Out were people who needed to be reassured, cared for, explained to, listened to, etc. Let them get their info from your email list or support website, send their calls to voicemail, communicate by text occasionally and give them a call even more occasionally. You can also enlist an In family member to run interference.

      Many of the Out people were good, loving people that I truly love. But if they were going to drain either of us when we had so little ourselves, then they were still Out.

      Best wishes during your treatment.

      1. Breast Solidarity*

        Yeah, we are mostly screening my mom’s calls, which makes me feel a little guilty. But I have to do it.

        I hadn’t thought of a support website! Though right now the thought exhausts me.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I might have used the wrong term. When my husband was sick, we did a big email blast once a week or whenever there was a big event, like surgery. More recently, I see my friends setting up on Caringbridge. I’m sure there are similar sites, too.

          Maintaining the info is a really good job for an In person who is not you.

        2. Not A Manager*

          I’ve been thinking more about your mom. We did cordon out people who drained us, or tbh people who weren’t value-added to us at that time. My mom was a bit different, though. In many ways she needed things from me that I couldn’t give her, but we had the kind of relationship where I could either tell her what I needed from her, or where I could just NOT feed whatever she needed at the moment, but still maintain close contact with her.

          Depending on your relationship with your mother, could you try being kindly honest? “Mom, I love you and your support is so important to me. Right now, I need all my attention and energy to deal with my own medical needs. I know you [are worried about me/ want more medical info/ have opinions/ need attention/ want to talk about your feelings], but those conversations are harmful to me right now because [they make me anxious/exhausted/take time I need for other things]. Can I ask you to [only call me on Wednesdays and Saturdays/ ask In Relative for updates if you need them more frequently/ not talk to me about whatever you’ve just read about my condition or my treatment/ talk to your friends and therapists about your own feelings]? That way you’ll be truly supporting me at this difficult time, and we’ll be able to talk longer and more frequently than we are now.”

          This might not be a conversation you would ever be able to have with her, or maybe it’s a conversation that your spouse or sibling or other parent could have with her. I hope there is a way that you can guide your mother to behaving somewhat differently right now. But if not, then I think you should protect your own health and continue dodging her calls.

          1. Breast Solidarity*

            I am trying to establish boundaries, but she has always been challenging. Thank you, though, you have given me food for thought on more ways I can try to frame things.

      2. Goose Lavel*

        Besides the other great advice here, my relative who had cancer really benefited from medical marijuana. It worked to stimulate the appetite, ease the pain, relax the muscles and help with sleep.

    2. Weegie*

      For the feeling awful part of it, eat what you want to eat when you want to eat it (ice cream for breakfast? No problem!), and sleep as much as you want. Try to get out of doors and walk a little when you can – keeping as active as possible helps your recovery afterwards. If you experience hair loss, get a nice cosy sleeping hat – a warm head makes for better sleep.

      For brain fog, you have carte blanche to read, watch or listen to anything you can cope with on your bad days – re-read all your children’s books and watch daytime TV all day, every day if you like. I don’t know if you’re working throughout your treatment, but I found it really helped to sharpen my brain when I forced myself to sit at my computer for gradually increasing periods of time. If you’re not working, inventing a project should have the same effect – write your novel, make your artwork, research your family tree.

      Good luck – it will come to an end soon, and you will recover.

      1. Breast Solidarity*

        Amazing how big a part of my diet fudgecicles (sp?) have become!

        I am trying to work as much as I can, but it is less than I had hoped. But yeah, my reading has been AAM and the like, and some baking stuff, not able to retain much. I have a time-sensitive project at work that I need to finish in the next two weeks, and I am acknowledging that it won’t be perfect or anywhere near it, but everyone in my department knows what is going on.

        I try to walk outside a little every day, except the one day each cycle that I now know I will barely be able to budge from the sofa. It does help, but man as my counts drop it is hard!

        It is also SO hard to ask for help. I am getting better about it, but it is hard.

        1. Bluebonnet*

          Have you heard of that circle analogy thing? The person receiving treatment is in the center circle. Next circle around the center is your spouse/partner/significant other and kids. Next circle, close friends and/or family. Next one, acquaintances. And so on.

          How this works in real life is that each person can complain/share struggles/vent to the circles outside the circle they’re in…but no one can vent or complain to the person in the smaller circle before them. So that means you can vent about your journey to anyone but no one can vent about your journey to you. You are bearing the cost and experience of beating this disease and nobody gets to whine to you about your journey and how hard it is for them.

          I feel as though I’m not describing this that well but in this, your peeps are supposed to be supporting you, not you supporting them.

          I don’t know how your mom is being stressful but it’s absolutely okay for you to limit her calls and not add her emotional toil to your journey and recovery.

          Also, has anyone organized meals delivery to you? Not having to cook from scratch in the middle of your treatment is a true gift.

          Best wishes and hopes to you for successful treatment and an amazing recovery!

          1. Breast Solidarity*

            I have heard of the circle analogy. Unfortunately, my lovely husband really feels the need (understandably) for my emotional support. But I can’t share my fears with him because he freaks out. That said, I do think we are communicating better about everything through this than many couples do (I have heard some real horror stories!). He did go to a support group meeting where I was hoping people would talk about the circles, but it didn’t come up.

            I am thinking of setting up a CaringBridge site, and it is forcing me to realize how resistant I am to asking for help! I am pushing to ask our cleaning person (first step!!!! we found a housecleaner!) to come for a couple extra hours this week to do things like clean out the fridge. Unfortunately, my husband has trouble agreeing to pay for things he “could” do himself, even though he doesn’t have the time or energy either :(

            1. Bluebonnet*

              It is hard to ask for help. I get it!

              But good on you for arranging the housekeeper!!

              Do you have friends who are asking what they can do to help you? I know that people really, really want to help but often have no idea how they can. The ones that were the most helpful to me were the ones who told me what they wanted to do rather than asking me to come up with ideas: e.g., “I want to bring you a meal. When can I do it?”

              If there’s ever a day that ideas come to mind you could make a list and have ideas to offer. For example: sit with me at chemo; bring me a Dr Pepper (or anything else that actually sounds flavorful); cook me a meal; pick up a prescription/library books/movies; gift cards for takeout or delivery. Or whatever. One friend offered to sit with me at chemo and I was surprised at how lovely and enjoyable it made that time. (Usually, I just streamed Netflix on my Kindle, read or slept.) One of my cousins came to town and stayed with her friend, came over to visit WHEN I was up for it, brought food.

              One dear girlfriend just let me vent. I could tell her anything, she didn’t shrug off my fears, and she didn’t tell me how to feel.

              I just have to tell you, you are AMAZING. Bless you!

              1. Breast Solidarity*

                Some friends have really stepped up (including a couple of friends who have driven 2.5 hours each way on multiple occasions to help out and bring food!), and have been getting rides to and from chemo, and a few meals delivered. But it is a bit spotty, and all our friends also have work and family. I think when I gather courage to set up CaringBridge it will be good because people can look there and pick things to do instead of us having to ask directly. Some stuff is just gross — the kittens have used the screened-in porch all summer as a catio, and their early kittenhood diarrhea was in some places outside the box and not adequately cleaned up. I can’t go near it, and it is low priority in terms of all that needs doing here, but not something I would ask a friend to do, and I don’t want the housecleaner to quit if I ask!

                Some friends have surprisingly ghosted me, including one who just checks in to see when I will be up to go out to socialize. She doesn’t want to hear how I am or deal with anything being different :( But other friends have surprised in the opposite direction. You just never know.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Just sending you my support and comfort. Haven’t had breast cancer but they thought I did. And then, the long, long road of being my husband’s caregiver.

      But the chemo fatigue… and family. Set boundaries, and ask for help… both. Send them away when you can’t cope, but if someone offers to help, have DH ready with a list of things they can do. (Grocery store run, weeding, helping with X, anything).

      And highly recommend the care givers support groups (our oncology departments social worker had a list). And feel free to reach out to your company (or have DH reach out to his) EAP for resources. My EAP department sent me a wonderful package of curated information and resources.

      Let go of all the “shoulds.” Just focus on you.
      Hug.

        1. Breast Solidarity*

          Should have added, husband is self-employed, so his EAP is me :) (and his boss never gives him a break or a day off!)

  85. Sunflower*

    Looking for advice on cute, European cities to visit around the holidays? I’m leaning towards Vienna but not sure if there’s enough to do there for a few days?

    I am heading to Rome for work right before Thanksgiving and want to extend my trip. I’ll have a few days in Rome before the holiday so I’d like to head off to somewhere else during the holiday and that weekend. Ideally it would be a quickish, cheap, easy flight from Rome. Have already been to Prague, Budapest, Croatia, Copenhagen and Stockholm and while I’m not opposed to going back, I would like to hopefully head somewhere new. I’m traveling solo(have done this before) and mostly just love to see beautiful things :)

    1. Policy wonk*

      Before Christmas Vienna will be full of Advent Markets. If you like opera, look into getting tickets now. Definitely worth it. I love Vienna and recommend it.

    2. Heckofabecca*

      Florence is walkable and delightful with a lot of museums—I was there in the late spring, so The weather will be different, but the city is charming and very near Rome, just a few hours on the train.

      Vienna sounds nice too. I think any big-ticket city like that will have plenty to do!! Just a matter of finding the things you like :)

    3. Almost Violet Miller*

      Vienna is great, it has a lot of awesome art exhibitions. However, the period before Xmas gets incredibly touristy and I personally hate their Christmas markets for this reason. Way too crowded for me.
      How about Ljubljana? Enough to do for a few days (maybe including a daytrip to Bled or the Postojna cave). It’s not so easy to get to but worth it as it’s lovely.

    4. Purt's Peas*

      I just came back from a trip which included going to Brussels, and I really liked it. The art nouveau architecture was a delight, and the Victor Horta Museum was really really cool.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        There’s more than enough to do in Vienna for a few days! It is true the Christmas markets are crowded but I still have to visit them.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Maybe Valencia? Holiday traditions are a little different in Spain so there were fewer Christmas markets when I was there in December several years ago. It’s also a lovely city with decent public transportation in the central bit.

    6. Ginger Ninge 11*

      Krakow also has beautiful Christmas markets and is less crowded than Vienna, in my experience. Also close enough to go to the salt mine, and there’s lots to do. It’s cheaper than Vienna too.

    7. Lady Jay*

      Vienna is nice but not my favorite European city. I think you really have to like music to enjoy Vienna.

      A city I surprisingly loved was Madrid: great museums (art/history), beautiful palaces, and a gorgeous park in the middle of the city where one can stroll for hours. And churros!! Also, Toledo is only an hour or so away by train, so there’s a fun day trip.

    8. Jemima Bond*

      Come to London! If you like beautiful things we have loads including an exhibition of Tutankhamen’s treasures at the Saatchi Gallery this autumn. And I bet others in the AAM commentariat that know and love London will give you lots of insider tips. I’ll add to my Egyptian history tip with the Temple of Mithras in the City (old like you would not believe) and getting the boat down the Thames from the Tower to Greenwich.

    9. German Girl*

      If you enjoy historic sites, how about Athens? Get a hotel close to the Acropolis and you have enough sites in walkable distance to fill three days. Pro tip: Start your visit with some other site than the Acropolis and get the pass to all the sites there. It’ll save you a lot of queueing when you do visit the Acropolis the next day as you can skip the ticket queue and go straight to the gate.

      I also liked Paris a lot. There are a ton of great museums, plus parks, churches, the Eiffel tower and you can do a day trip to Versailles.

  86. Sleepyhead*

    Talk to me about mattresses! I’m single 30s and finally have enough cash to replace my 10 year old double bed.

    I’m looking to upgrade to a queen, will have a cheap slatted base frame from ikea so only need to purchase a mattress. My budget is $1000 all in, including taxes and ideally a mattress cover.

    I’m in Canada so looking at the online options. After an afternoon at the Bay, I think I’m leaning towards a hybrid spring/memory foam style.

    Online options that I’m debating are:

    1) Hamuq
    2) Logan and Cove
    3) Brunswick
    4) silk and snow

    Has anyone tried any of these? The Hamuq is top of list since it looks like a materials and the bed are from and made in Canada….

    Tell me about your mattress!

    1. Sleepyhead*

      Other items to consider

      – I’m a side or back sleeper
      – prefer medium firm to firm
      – I’m under 17o lbs
      – female with big hips and butt
      – I’m a heat vampire so can sleep either really hot or really cold. A mattress that breathes well is important.

    2. Catherine*

      When I still lived in America I swore by my Tuft and Needle. I’m also a side sleeper with a preference for firmish mattresses and need cold to sleep–this was the most comfortable mattress I ever had!

    3. Isotopes*

      I got an iComfort and let me tell you…you can haggle on mattresses in Canada. I found the best thing to do was go between Sleep Country and The Brick. They’ll tell you that they don’t “price match” because technically, the name of the mattress is different. See, a brand will make the exact same bed under two different names for different stores. Like the “iComfort Astra” versus the “iComfort Supra.” Literally no difference, specs are identical. It’s specifically so that customers can’t price match. Which is dumb. But as long as you’re not in a rush and you’re willing to look around a little bit, I would suggest the haggle.

      Another option: Sleep Country does steeply discounted “returned” mattresses. Not used, just mattresses that were supposed to be delivered and were mildly damaged, or there was an issue and the customer changed their mind before the delivery was complete, that kind of thing.

      If you’re considering a platform bed frame rather than a box spring, you can get the price down if you don’t need the whole set.

      For online beds, I actually know people who swear by Endy and there are a few stores who have them available to try out.

      Another thing to think about: there are some lovely mattress toppers on Amazon that would add that little bit of memory foam feel to a standard spring mattress. But they’re not super expensive – the one I got was around $120 on sale I think, and it made a huge difference. Like…night and day difference.

  87. The Other Dawn*

    Does anyone own a pair of Tieks? I just bought a pair, which didn’t arrive yet, and am curious how people like them. People seem to be in love with them so I figured I’d try them out. I have yet to find a pair of ballet flats that I like and are comfortable. They’re expensive, but if they’re comfortable then it’s worth it to me.

    1. IAmOnlyInItForThePoetry*

      I want to get a pair so please update us later if you like them! I have wide feet at my toes and narrower ankles so I am afraid that they won’t work for me but would be so happy to find a comfortable pair of shoes.

    2. Luisa*

      I have them, and I like them (but I’m not sure I love them). The fit is such that, after breaking them in, they fit great everywhere, except I still (8 months in) feel like my big toes are going to bust out of them. In the first 3 months of wear I had a lot of arch pain, which I think is related to the lack of arch support (the inner sole is fully flat) in the shoe. (Admittedly I did not seek remedies such as insoles; it was the end of the school year and that was legitimately something I couldn’t make time for.) I’ve been wearing them daily for 2.5 weeks now, on my feet most of the day, and my arches are fine but still the complaint about my big toes.

      FWIW I just ordered a pair of Rothy’s flats for comparison. I’m happy to report in next month on how that’s going!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        For what it’s worth, I took a pair of Rothy’s flats out of the box, put them straight onto my feet and went out for a three mile walk with them. After about 7 miles (or 5 in a Florida rainstorm) I start wishing for bandaids on my pinky toes, but otherwise, I’ve found them wonderful. (And I, personally, have not experienced the stinky issues other folks have mentioned with them either.)

        I also, like the original commenter, have wide toes and narrow heels and a tendency to walk out of most flats, but not with Rothy’s. I don’t have issues with my arches, but Rothy’s are designed so the insoles can easily be replaced.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          (Oop – mixing up shoe commenters. The second part was referencing someone else’s comment, not this thread.)

        2. The Other Dawn*

          I looked at Rothy’s, but I feel like they would be uncomfortable due to the material. Reviews seem to state otherwise, so maybe I’m wrong. I wear a size 12 women’s (sometimes a wide width, depending on the shoe), my big toe is long, and I have a corn on each foot on the second to last toe, which gets uncomfortable in shoes that don’t have a lot of give.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Mm. In and of itself, the material isn’t uncomfortable (to me), but they don’t have any give at all – they flat out tell you not to expect any stretching – so if that’s an issue, they probably wouldn’t work for you.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Good to know! That definitely wouldn’t work for me. I have a pair like that now and I’m going to toss them. They were cheap Payless shoes anyway and I’ve had them a few years. I only wear them if I have to.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I love mine. I have wide feet and often get blisters on my heels with new shoes, but I wore these out of the box with no problems. After 2 years, they are holding up very well.

  88. RussianInTexas*

    Super-stressful week here. To pre-face, after the Hurricane Harvey, strong rain triggers anxiety in me, and boy, do I live in the wrong place to avoid that.
    This week we got hit with Tropical Storm Imelda. On Tuesday, at landfall, it wasn’t bad. On Wednesday, it wasn’t bad either, some rain, some wet and white-knuckled drive home (these happen on regular basis because sub-tropics). On Thursday, when everyone thought we were done, all hell broke lose. The rain started at 9am and did not stop for hours and hours. My area (office and house) got almost 8″ hours. I wasn’t too worried about the house flooding, it didn’t during the 48″ of Harvey’s rain, but the roads were basically impassable. There was a real possibility of being stuck in the office for the night.
    Step-daughter’s neighborhood took on 20″ of rain in one day, at some point the water was almost at the door. She was freaking out, home along with an infant.
    Some friends got stuck on the road trying to get home for hours. Friend’s daughter’s school started to flood while her daughter was there (the prove that no one thought this would be so bad, schools weren’t even closed). School can’t get the kids home, parents cannot get to school to get the kids, due to the roads flooded out.
    And then when I get home, there is water seeping in to the master bedroom, presumably though the foundation crack. Such fun.
    And today it’s bright and sunny. (Of course there are still people flooded in the east and the north part of the area).

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Tropics. I am counting days for the hurricane season to be over.
        Of course we flood off-season too, but not as intensely.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Yes, but there is no actual damage except for some wet carpet. The flood didn’t cause the crack, those a feature in most older Houston homes. The water just exposed it.
        Now I know about it, it needs to be fixed.

  89. PhyllisB*

    I have shared with y’all before about my teenage grandson and him being in jail. There was a hearing a few weeks ago requesting that his case be moved back to youth court. Well, got word today that the judge denied the request so there will be a trial for 3 felonies. And there’s another one in another county he hasn’t had a hearing about. I am heart-broken. I know he doesn’t need to be released, but he doesn’t need to be in jail, either. He needs mental help. He’s only 16 and has been sitting in the county jail for nearly a year with no hearing. We are supposed to go Tuesday to speak with his attorney about what the next step is.

    1. WellRed*

      Geez us! He’s only 16? Assuming it’s not murder, how can they possibly think it’s okay to keep him in jail? Do you need a different attorney? Admittedly I know nothing about jails and courts.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        It takes some times absolutely forever between an arrest and a hearing, depending on how busy the local courts are. A year is unfortunately not that unusual.
        It may go towards the sentence as time served.

        1. WellRed*

          Unfortunately, this is just another way to keep poor people in jail. Which helps no one. PhyllisB, just guessing if you had ample financial resources you’d have been able to get him out by now. Not trying to make assumptions about your family finances. This is just wrong!

          1. PhyllisB*

            His bail is $500,000.00 because he’s a flight risk. Even if it was lowered, we wouldn’t post it because the last time he was released from Juvenile he ran away less than 24 hours after he was let out. What got him sent to the county jail (aside from stealing two vehicles) is he participated in an escape attempt. He and some other boys staged a fight and when the guard intervened the other guys beat him up and they escaped. Grandson did not participate in the beating, but he did escape. (It was on tape, and the guard admitted in court he had nothing to do with the violence so it’s not just Grandma saying “my grandson would never…”) He just came up with the idea. I don’t know if he suggested the beating, I mean the diversion.
            We do have some financial resources and other grandparents are fairly well-off. They’re the ones who have been paying the attorney fees.

      3. Dan*

        Not having bail money, being deemed a flight risk, and/or not showing up to prior court appearances are all reasons for having the “system” keep a close eye on you pending adjudication of one’s case.

    2. Dan*

      Ouch. Sorry to hear that.

      Unfortunately, the USA does a rather shitty job when it comes to mental health services for those who don’t function well in main stream society.

      I wish there were easy answers for that, but unfortunately, there are not.

    3. Anono-me*

      Sending you all the strength and good things that I can.

      You might find it helpful to look into ‘participatory defense’ before this meeting. Even if this isn’t an official thing where your grandson is, there may be things that you and your family can do.

      Also, if your grandson needs court clothes, most communities have some sort of organization that lends them out. (If you can not find one near you, a local religious community may be able to point you in the right direction. )

    4. Not So NewReader*

      NYS legal system is going through some painful reforms because of problems like this and other problems, where we as a society are just falling down on the job. I say painful because there is going to be mass confusion before things settle in.

      Don’t answer here, just food for thought. Has his attorney ordered a mental health evaluation? That eval should include recommendations to the court which can be very persuasive at times. Probably the court will order a drug and alcohol eval. Since he is under 18, I think his guardian(s) can have access to these reports.

      You can also inquire about pending legislation. I think NY is looking at ALL cases for defendants less than 18 y/o will go to youth court. If your state is considering this, you can ask the lawyer will your grandson’s case be included under this new protection. In part this is being considered because youthful offenders have a hugely different set of needs than adult aged offenders.

      IANAL. Hopefully actually lawyers will chime in here. I have just had a few friends who have been through the mill and back with stuff the kids have thought of to do.

      He is so young. Many times courts read that youthfulness as hope that the person can reform and can go on to have a productive life. It would be good to know why the judge said the case had to remain in adult court and can the attorney appeal this decision to a higher court.

      1. PhyllisB*

        He’s had a couple of evaluations. No conclusions. He even got sent to the youth division of our state hospital and he was released in less than two weeks because they said “he doesn’t belong here.” They did no evaluations or testing. If you talk to him he very articulate and well-spoken and off the charts smart, he just has no impulse control.
        We think it’s possible he’s bi-polar, but they will not give this diagnosis to anyone under 18. One psychologist said he’s a sociopath (not officially, just off the cuff.) the other one said there’s nothing wrong with him that some strict discipline wouldn’t correct. (That “strict discipline” is what led to him running away the first time.)

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Sending you a hug. I just don’t have words to express the pain you must be feeling. Thinking of you here.

    5. Breast Solidarity*

      I am so sorry, this is so heartbreaking.

      And children should NEVER be charged as adults. They just are not adults.

  90. Cruciatus*

    Just wondering what you all would do when you buy a house with newer appliances that are rated poorly (and money is an issue).

    So I found this useful site that will help you find the date of your appliances–at least when they were manufactured, though obviously not when they were purchased. I need to replace the dishwasher (but am in no hurry since I guess I can “manually” wash the dishes still). But the washer and dryer. They are Maytags. Gack. But only manufactured in 2015 so still very new. I figured I could suck it up because at least they’re new but I went searching online for a manual because I find it very unclear where I’m supposed to turn the knobs to. Anyway, during this search I discovered this washer and dryer set are just terrible. Consumer Reports has them as some of the lowest ranked items out of a lot of items! The washer is a water guzzler and the only pro was something like “gentleness”, while it had a bunch of cons (including not cleaning well). User reviews were in agreement. So I’m really hesitant about wanting to use them at all!

    So do I try to sell them and use that money to go towards a new set? I can do it financially (at least if I get a good deal for a mid-range set–maybe Black Friday?). If I do, why do I say I’m selling them? Should I just go with it for a while? I mean, the issues listed were not subjective like “wish it was pure white” but pretty damning bad qualities! I could just get rid of the washer since the dryer at least was not as horribly ranked (though still not good). Just wondered what ya’ll would do.

    2. Auntie Social*

      You could say that you’re big on front loaders, or you have your old one from your old house, or your FIL works for Whirlpool and is getting you a scratch and dent deal. If you sell to a used appliance wholesaler you probably don’t have to say anything.

    3. RussianInTexas*

      I personally would have hard time paying for new appliances when the current one are still working, while not great. But that just me, if you hate them go for it!
      But if you want to sell them, you don’t have to tell why.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Agreed.
        In a new home, I’m sure there are other things on which you could put that money to use. Or put it in a “when something breaks” fund.
        Of course, if you use the washer, and can really and truly see a difference compared to your old washing machine, then start shopping. But I myself would not rush out to replace appliances that work.
        When you do replace it/them, many appliance dealers discount “scratch & dent” models that work just as well. If the dent is on the side that faces the other machine, or the wall, you’d never know it was there.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I hated my kitchen appliances when I moved into my house, so I bought new ones. Most of the old ones, I sold to a friend who’s kitchen in HER new hours was even worse off (like, 30+ years old), but I kept the old fridge and moved it into my garage for backup. (I am the only one in my house who cooks, so the kitchen fridge is for me and household stuff, the garage fridge is for everyone else’s snacks and sodas.)

    5. Alex*

      I’d probably use them for a while and then form my own opinion. If they weren’t meeting my needs, then I’d replace. It’s not like you’re going to greatly devalue them by using used appliances a bit more.

      I also don’t think you need to explain why you are selling something. I see stuff on Craigslist for sale all the time that just says “excellent condition” or whatever. I don’t think most people are going to grill you on the pros and cons of a used appliance.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Agreed on both points.

        People sell stuff all the time for different reasons. Recently I bought on Amazon a wood plyo box for the gym and it’s too high for me. It’s way too heavy for me to deal with packing it up and shipping it back, so I’m going to sell it. In my case, it just the hassle of having to return it.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Look for used models. There are people who get new washer/dryer for a variety of reasons and the old ones still work. Logistics can be an issue of course, but they’d be cheaper at least.

      As for the dryer – if nothing else, just get a couple drying racks and air dry everything.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I think there are more than a few washer/dryers out there that are not that great. You don’t want to go from the frying pan to the fire here.

      The concerns I would have are: Is the washer going to flood me out? And, Is the dryer a fire hazard?
      The latter is my top concern so I figure that out first. If yes, then out that dryer goes. I like to do business with smaller local stores, rather than big box stores. So I would ask around to find out who has a good rep and go there. I’d ask for used/clearance first if nothing appeals to me than I would just pick out a modestly priced dryer. I only run it for 20-40 minutes a week, so I do not need a bunch of features. My current dryer was about $300 and I have had it for over 12 years.

      If the washer has flooding problems you can get a pan to go under it at a place like Lowes. Mine was $30 or so. It has a drain hole in it that can be set up to go into another drain or shoot the overflow outside on to the ground. There is a bit more expense setting the drain up like this but it is still cheaper than buying a new washer. My pan is connected to a pipe that goes through the wall and dumps the water on the ground. Since the washer is right next to the wall this made sense for my setting.

      I’d run the washer until it breaks, honestly, especially if you are following a budget. Set your limits. You could go with “The second time it breaks, it’s outta here” or whatever makes sense to you.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I just got the new dryer for $600 (included tax and installation). Was a basic model in Best Buy. The old one had finally croaked, but it was 22 years old and went through 2 repairs! Dryers tend to last forever, and my was heavily used, 4-5 loads of laundry every weekend.
        I tend to keep appliances as long as they work, unless there is really some glaring flaw.

    8. Marthooh*

      Think of these appliances as handy stopgaps until you can find what you really want at a price you can afford. Do research with Consumer Reports, go online, ask friends, and wait for a sale. When a new appliance is installed, ask the installers to move the old one to the garage (or wherever) and then Craigslist that puppy. If you want to tell people why you’re selling, tell them you just bought your dream machine and don’t need the old one.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It’s worth checking at Habitat for Humanity”s ReStore. At least here I see used appliances. Although I’ve only ever looked at them when we were thinking about adding a second fridge for the basement.

    10. Reba*

      I have a Thing for laundry so I would absolutely sell them, no hesitation. I don’t think you need to like, give a good enough reason to buyers. Just sell them.

      Does your state offer a rebate for energy efficient models? A Black Friday Sale* sounds good, but even without seasonal sales you can sometimes find a decent manufacturer rebate.

      *ACK I guess that really is the next big holiday thing in the US. Time flies!

    11. NoLongerYoung*

      Keep them. Get the home warranty. Put the money aside to replace them, but wait.

      It’s like owning a not-so-highly rated car that you’ve been given from grandma. Drive it. Save for the next one.

      You do not yet know what ELSE might go, that you are not worried about. (Sorry!). Hot water heater, roof, door locks, new windows, gutters, other things. You need a good repair fund, and don’t go for the superficial items first. If they work, use them and save for the truly rainy day.

      My sister in law bought a beautiful new set of appliances when she had working ones in her house – because (because they were on sale, because her sister had stainless steel brand “X” etc). But then found out she had to have new wiring and new plumbing done. It was a safety issue that showed up.

      There are various “rules of thumb” about how big your repair and maintenance budget should be… start that fund and funnel the money into that, not replacing these at this moment just based upon them not being the highest rated on consumer reports.

      I did get a nice scratch and dent washer dryer pair 8 years ago – the scratch is on the inside when they are set together (washer) and the dent is small enough to not be noticeable on the back corner of the dryer. 50% off and they have worked perfectly. Also, did NOT get the top of the line, most complicated ones – no steam cycle, etc… because hubby, who used to build laundromat, felt the technology was too new and hard to get parts for… truthfully, on the consumer reports group and in the wall street journal, the speed queens outlive everything!). But I waited with the first Maytag set (hand me down, and then >12 years of marriage in!) until the washer was no longer repairable.

      Stay off Instagram/pinterest and don’t compare laundry rooms, too. You can make yourself crazy trying to keep up with this year’s trend for “great” looking. Because you get to set your priorities…. and a robust repair fund and paying down your mortgage faster may be a better choice for you.

      Absolutely ymmv. But as one who is sadly going to have to buy a place with (probably) plaid carpet and knotty pine for my first, I’m figuring out my tradeoffs. ROFLOL. We all get to make them.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        forgot to mention – do check the hoses. The ones that run from the wall to the washer. Make sure they are the nice new, non-bursting ones. You want to make sure those water handles can be turned off, too. (in fact, you may want to turn them off when you go on vacation, YMMV).

        When you run that set of sheets through (see Gatomom’s suggestion)… look carefully for little black specs. Little black specs of oil mean the washer is going. (I can’t remember all the technical words but that was when we finally retired mine).
        e h
        And… check the “tube” from the dryer that runs outside. We had a straight metal one – not plastic, no ridges – installed, to avoid lint buildup and the potential for any lint combustion. (Hubby had anxiety). We also had a mesh screen installed where the exhaust out of the house was, after a mouse climbed up inside and died. (yeah…ugh). Again, YMMV but the hoses and lint were our higher priorities when we moved here (an older house).

    12. Gatomon*

      Honestly I would wait for a month or two at least before you go to the store. You may find something else in the house requires more immediate attention and regret spending the money on the washer and dryer. Ask me about the $1,100 I’m putting towards a new garage door… and then my next call will be for a new hot water tank!

      My washer and dryer set is by Amana – I have never heard of them before, I have no idea if they are any “good,” the washer is horribly loud but! my clothes are coming out clean and dry. That’s all I really care about at this point. I would give the washer a good scrub (fill with hot water and vinegar, let it soak, scrub the tub and outside, let it run, then run another hot cycle with baking soda through it) and make sure the lint trap is clear on the dryer, then throw an old set of sheets through it. You may find it gets the job done. I’ve used all sorts of washing machines after years of renting, and the number one difference I’ve found is that they need to be clean inside if you expect your clothes to come out clean!

    13. myug*

      Don’t forget to look into rebates your city electric, water or gas company will give you for upgrading to more efficient models on top of yearly sales, if you are looking to save some money.

      If you don’t want to sell (just say you are updating and are looking to get rid of your old things – easy peasy), do any companies in your area give you money for your old machines, as scrap metal?

    14. LilySparrow*

      Have you personally found the appliances unsatisfactory (your clothes are noticeably not clean, your water bill is exorbitant), or have you substituted other people’s complaints for your own real-life experience?

      If money is an issue, you’re going to be buying middle-of-the road or cheaper appliances. All of them have downsides, that’s why they’re less expensive.

      There’s absolutely no point replacing serviceable units in good working condition with new ones unless you have the money to really upgrade. Used upgrades are unlikely to come into a moderate price range until they have significant age/wear and tear, or are lemons.

      Buying a house and replacing a dishwasher are more than enough hassle and expense for one year, in my book. I’m not going to go looking for more hassle and expense just because some website doesn’t like my washer.

  91. Siege*

    I’m moving back to my hometown soon and I’m scared but SO EXCITED. I’m trying to be closer to family and take care of my health for a couple years. I’m worried I’ll stagnate or regress into old patterns, but I’m so unhappy in my current city that it’s worth the risk. My hometown is beautiful, on the beach, and has a solid community I can fold back into.

  92. Sneezy dwarf*

    I took my daily dose of Zyrtec. Except as soo. As I took it, I had 15 sneezes in 30 minutes!!! SO BIZARRE! That’s never happened to me. It stopped and we Went out but I’ve had a runny nose for about 6-7 hours now and my head is throbbing. I was literally just sitting in my room doing nothing unusual when this happened. Debating whether I should take Benadryl to get to sleep. What a mystery.

  93. Hstrylvr89*

    I am in an anxiety spiral right now. Backstory, a few months ago i had been going to see a doctor for a weird rash on my legs, and nothing they were giving me worked. Well a few days ago, my new dog had an accident on the carpet right near my bed, and when I was cleaning it up, I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. To my complete horror, it was a BED-BUG. I am beside myself because I know that I did not bring it in, because i have not gone anywhere, or had anyone in my Apartment for over a year (Yay anxiety disorder),. Nor have a bought any used furniture or clothing. The pest guy has come and sprayed everything and he said that would kill all of the bed bugs, but my brain will not quit spiraling over what if scenarios. What keeps me up at night is that I am terrified that they came from another apt, and will never leave me bed-bug free ever again and will remain an itchy mess

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I have a lot of empathy for you. This happened to me last year and it was such an awful feeling. It took quite awhile for us to get over the feeling that bugs were everywhere. We self-treated by spraying, washing, drying on very high heat, cleaning, and throwing some stuff out. Thankfully haven’t seen any since, and they were contained to the bedroom.

      Unless you traveled or had visitors or something else that might introduce them to the home, it’s incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to know where they came from. Also, I believe it takes something like a couple months for them to get to the point where you can actually see them, so you can’t even narrow it down to a time frame absent traveling, visitors, purchases, etc.

    2. Agnodike*

      Bed bugs are a huge pain. The bites itch, there’s a ton of work involved in getting rid of them, and they’re gross. But they don’t make you sick, and a big part of the grossness/annoyance is cultural and therefore controllable. The bed bugs might well come back! And if they do, you’ll do what you did this time: have a professional come and get rid of them. (Make sure if you paid that you get reimbursement from your landlord!) You can talk to your therapist for strategies to reduce your anxiety and stress around this.

    3. Reba*

      Hi, I had bed bugs some years ago, and I nearly lost it because for the longest time I thought I was having some weird hives, because my partner never had any problems, only me. Turns out he’s just not allergic to them, UGH. I kindof went on the warpath at that time. We had bed bugs from one place that I actually brought to a new place. (Ugh ugh ugh sorry everyone!) But one exterminator treatment plus DE plus careful dryer-ing or steaming or heat-treating in the car… I did not have to get rid of a single one of my possessions. And I eventually regained my sanity :)

      Maybe it would help you feel like you are taking some control if you apply some home measures. The most important of these is Diatomaceous earth! (I am always shouting this from the rooftops. DIATOMACEOUS EARTH!!!)

      This stuff is safe for your pup. You can use a brush or putty knife, or I use a little artist’s palette knife, and you tap it around your baseboards, outlets, anywhere there are gaps.

      It is likely that they did come from a neighbor’s place. Sorry, anxiety. BUT! You can defend your apartment. If they walk over the diatomaceous earth, it will cut up their exoskeletons and they will die just like that.

      You can do this around your place, and then you are not only depending on your landlord taking care of it.

      Good luck. You will get through it.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Diatomaceous earth is awesome. It kills roaches, spiders, everything, and is completely non-toxic to mammals. You wouldn’t want to get it in your eyes because ouch, but otherwise awesome.

    4. Jaid*

      Been through it twice, dear. I got a prescription for a a couple days worth of Lorazepam, and that helped interrupt the cycle of paranoid thinking for me (I’m already on Paxil, but I needed the boost asdfgh!).

      Got my apartment taken apart and sprayed, took all the soft goods and cleaned/dried on high heat for an hour and bagged that ish for a longish time.

      Bed bugs can come from anywhere, public transportation, offices, ANYWHERE. Do not ever blame yourself.

  94. Stephen!*

    Just need to vent- whenever my sister comes to visit, she always stays too long. She’ll leave if I tell her she needs to go, but if I don’t, she just… stays. It’s not even like we’re interacting, it’s her sacked on my couch doing shit on her phone. I was so excited this evening, because we hung out for a while and then she said she needed to leave, which was super exciting, as she rarely leaves before I start to get antsy. Then she remembered something she needed to do and stayed for another 30 minutes. Just once, I would like her to leave before I start to get annoyed.

    1. valentine*

      She’s comfortable both with you and with you telling her to leave, so maybe she’d be fine with you telling her you need to set, and for her to keep, exit times. Give her a window maybe 90 minutes before annoyance arrives, unless you think she’d never leave earlier than that. (Also, if you’d be annoyed if she sat on your property using her phone for hours before leaving, be clear that you need her to really leave completely.) Does she hate transitions? I’d play entry/exit theme songs to establish a routine so she packs up before the first chorus and leaves before the last note.

      If that doesn’t work, meet her someplace you have to leave.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Ugh, this is my father-in-law. I’m lucky that he’s a great guy and I like him, but damn, he will stay FOREVER. My mother-in-law will get her coat on and finally go sit in the car, and then maybe he’ll decide to get up and go. He’s not as bad nowadays, because she starts telling him about 30 minutes before she really wants to go, “Come on, let’s go!” It drove me nuts when I first got married.

  95. Shiny yanma*

    Pokémon Go!
    I got jirachi hurrah! And last night I caught a shiny yanma on the bus.
    Haven’t got all that many of gen 5 yet, compared to some anyway. Planning to go out later to try for a shiny Mewtwo.
    How’s everyone else doing?

    1. Book Lover*

      I don’t think I will be able to get a shiny mewtwo :(. No time to raid right now. Maybe at the makeup raid hour.

      I am enjoying taking it slowly on the new generation. No rush and they are all adorable.

      1. Shiny yanma*

        Fingers crossed for make up raid hour!! Maybe ex raids now Mewtwo is coming back to them?

        Can’t believe there are shiny gen 5 out already.

    2. Ginger Ninge 11*

      I hatched a Mr Mime last week! I haven’t caught shinies of the new gen but I keep catching lots of new things! The problem is that I am at the “catch 50 steel/psychic” stage in the field research and there are hardly any around. It’s taking a while.

      1. Shiny yanma*

        Heh, being in the UK Mr Mime is just *sooo boring* [flounce] ;) still would love a shiny though. I’ve had quite a few tauros from 7k eggs, one farfetch’d but no kangas which is a shame as i already had quite a few of the others but only one kanga so I was hoping for more. And no shiny regionals at all but hey. I was well lucky with the unown so not complaining, or at least that’s my official stance ;)

        1. Ginger Ninge 11*

          Haha Tauros are common here! I would also like a kangashkan. No luck so far! And I hatched an unown last week!

  96. Purt's Peas*

    I’m a bit late on this, but any suggestions for veggie side dishes to prepare ahead? My husband and I will usually make a main dish in the evening, but for some reason it’s hard getting into the habit of making a vegetable side. So I’m thinking of pre-prepping some vegetable and just dishing it up with / before whatever we make during the week. Any ideas?

    1. Rebecca*

      I’m a big fan of frozen veggies that are packed in the microwave bag, so easy, just toss them in the microwave while dishing up everything else, and voila, vegetables. Easy to add some toppings, like lemon juice, olive oil, sea salt, pepper, etc. for extra flavor, or butter, whatever.

      1. fposte*

        Yes! I have a list in my phone of things I can use to add some zing in case I forget the possibilities (I’d eat cardboard if you grated Parmesan cheese on it), and a whole package should be plenty for two–I usually have several individual meals’ worth out of one.

      2. Purt's Peas*

        Oh that’s such a good call! Growing up my mom always roasted fresh veggies and so just using frozen never occurred to me. What a weird block to have. Thank you!

    2. Not A Manager*

      It depends on how fussy you want to be when you are prepping. Any kind of roasted veggie is pretty easy. Just toss in olive oil and liberal salt, spread in a single loose layer on a foil- or parchment-lined baking sheet, and roast at 400° until tender but chewy. I usually rotate the pans once, and stir them at that time.

      The absolute best for this technique are mushrooms. I like hardy mushrooms like the white button mushrooms or crimini. Cut them in fourths (or sixths if they are very large). Broccoli is another favorite – if you get the ones that have a lot of stem, don’t discard it. Cut off the very tough or dry bottom part, and then peel the rest (I use a knife and not a veggie peeler). Cut into chunks slightly larger than your florets and bake along with them. We also like yams, beets, cauliflower.

      If you don’t mind fussing a bit more, ratatouille is easy, lasts all week, and is delicious hot, warm or cold. Serve it as side dish, as an omelette filling, or cold with a squeeze of lemon as a snack.

      1. Trixie*

        Roasting veggies is perfect for healthy snacks like crunchy kale chips or broccoli. Also, avocado oil for a high temp smoking point.

      2. Purt's Peas*

        Ratatouille is a really good call. I’ve used a Bon Appetit recipe for it that uses an unbelievable amount of olive oil and it is therefore delicious.

    3. Alex*

      What are your main dishes? If you’re looking for something simple, roasted or sauteed veggies are great and reheat easily. I love to roast cauliflower and broccoli together–just cut into florets, drizzle with olive oil, salt, and pepper, toss to coat, and roast in the oven until tender. Brussels sprouts are also good this way (cut in halves or quarters).

      Sauteed cabbage is one of my favorites. Chop into bit sized pieces, and put in covered frypan with a little water, butter, salt, and pepper. Cook on medium-low until the cabbage is soft.

      I’ll also make caramelized zucchini and onions. Chop onions and slice zucchini thin. Heat some olive oil in a pan and add the onions, cook for a minute or two, then add the zucchini. Don’t cover. Add salt and pepper. Cook on medium, stirring occasionally, until the onions and zucchini are browned and caramelized.

      It’s also the time of year for winter squash. I like buttercup squash the best. I cut in half, scoop out the seeds, and bake face down in a pyrex with some water in the bottom until the squash is soft. If the squash is big, I’ll scoop out the cooked flesh and mash all together with butter and brown sugar. If the squash is small (like, 1/2 is one serving) I’ll just put a pat of butter and a spoon of brown sugar in it and eat it out of the shell with a spoon. Acorn squash is good this way too.

      1. Purt's Peas*

        Thank you! Those are all good calls. I think I’d been blocked on like, what to make that goes with everything? We make a pretty wide variety of dishes in a week, and okonomiyaki and chicken paprikash have pretty different flavor profiles. You’re right that simple is the way to go.

        One of the other blockers was that my husband doesn’t like any of the brassica vegetables, and those are my family’s main pull for veggie side dishes. But I can make plenty of stuff with zucchini, squash, etc. Especially that caramelized zucchini!

    4. Anono-me*

      I usually cook fresh vegetables in the microwave as a side dish. Carrots asparagus broccoli and cauliflower are super easy.

      Buy the snacking ready version of your favorite veggie at the grocery store. Pack a couple sides for lunch. Rinse the rest off. Put the damp veggies in a microwave safe bowl, cover with plastic wrap or the appropriate cover. Push the vegetable button on the microwave. Wait until the microwave beeps done. Open carefully.

  97. Rebecca*

    Mom Update and other stuff from my neck of the woods.

    So, Mom has been home for a little over a week now. She’s been following “use the walker” orders and staying off the steps, and has been going to the bathroom by herself in the night. She still doesn’t sleep much, she still urinates frequently, but now maybe 8-10x per day instead of 12+x per day. She can’t use her right hand to hold a fork to cut meat with the other, or vice versa, so I cut up any meat she eats first.

    That being said, she is nasty and miserable to be around. I get it, she was basically fairly independent until she broke her arm, and then everything went sideways. But things happen in life, bad things, and as things go, this isn’t really high up on the badness scale. A few examples of interactions this week:

    I cooked pork and baked potatoes, and asked Mom what vegetable she’d like with it. “Well, I’d like peas, but they’re in the deep freeze downstairs, and I can’t go get them, so I guess I’ll go without”. I told her if she’d ask me, I’d go down and get whatever she wanted, no need for the poor me stuff.

    She was trying to balance her checkbook, the old fashioned way, couldn’t figure it out, and I offered to help, but no, she kept complaining. I said we could get online access and I could print out a recent transactions statement for more clarity, nope – SHE DOESN’T DO THOSE THINGS!! and continued to fuss and whine about it. I told her if or when she needed my help, to ask, and I’d be happy to give it a look (aside, there’s nothing wrong with the check book register, it’s her inability to figure it out at this point).

    I did laundry yesterday AM, finally got the title transferred on the car I sold, etc. came back to the house, and she pointed down the steps and said “when will MY clothes be washed?” I said today, I’m getting to it. And she wanted her compression stockings washed, I said OK, and then she snarked at me “well, are you going to help me take these off? I can’t do it myself you know”. And ditto, after said stockings were washed, I gave them back, and after 9 PM last night she said “I’m thinking about putting those stockings back on”, I said, OK, and she snarked at me again “well, when are you going to do this for me? I can’t put them on myself, you know that, when is this going to happen?” How about when hell freezes over, I thought.

    I went to the grocery store, it was a zoo on Saturday night, brought everything home, and she said “you bought too many bananas”. I bought 6, enough to last to next weekend, but she said she didn’t like it when the peels got little brown spots on them. I told her the inside was still good, and I wasn’t making multiple trips to the grocery store during the week to buy 2 bananas at a time (which she apparently was doing before she broke her arm). There was no thanks for getting groceries, nothing.

    Oh, and her toenails are horrible, long, thick, a mess, and 6 weeks ago I gave her the info for the local podiatrist, printed out the new patient form, filled out most of it, gave her the phone# and told her to call to make an appointment, and of course she didn’t. Now she’s complaining about toenails.

    Honestly I’ve had it. I spend most of my time outside, in the basement or up in my room. I can’t eat a meal at the table because in less than 3 days, she has covered it with papers, mail, statements, all sorts of things that I had carefully organized, and she sits there like a mad composer rifling through it all and writing things in notebooks.

    So that’s where we are – I speak with her like a toddler throwing a tantrum and pointing to get what they want, redirect things back and say “just ask, please and thank you, and things will happen” but to no avail. I’m the only person standing between her and a nursing home at this point, since she can’t drive, be in steps unattended, she can’t take a shower alone, cut up meat, go get the mail, nothing. And I know she is the female who gave birth to me, but she is so totally disrespectful and awful to be around I feel like I should just move out and say see ya, good luck.

    1. Nerdgal*

      You are doing a fantastic job for your mom and I’m sorry that you don’t get the appreciation (and affection) you deserve.
      You might want to know that my hubs and I are going through a somewhat similar, but much less stressful situation with our elderly close friends. I find myself asking. “What would Rebecca do?” and it’s really helpful. You are a great role model!

    2. Nela*

      So, any chance the reason you put up with crappy treatment from your ex so long is because your mother had you programmed to put up with it from her? I doubt it’s a coincidence that you went from a home where he was treating you badly to one where she is.

      I hate to see you not get the happiness you deserved when you separated from him. My wish for you is you tell your mother that she either lives by some rules you create or you will need to move out/send her to the nursing home…or to decide you can do this temporarily while she gets this figured out but no more than 2 months [or whatever amount of time you decide on, not to exceed 6 months]. I hope your plan is not that you will live like this indefinitely…right after you had just escaped the ex. You only have one life!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Totally agree with Nela. Rebecca, decide how much of this you will put up with. This is the same crap you went through before she went away. Nothing has changed. I was really skeptical that it would, for some people meanness is a habit and she has the habit.
        I went through 20 years of this crap with my mother and it only got worse and worse and worse. Never one ounce of gratitude. Ever.

        Some folks might argue that we have a duty to our parents. I’d counter with the idea that we have a greater duty to ourselves to not allow our spirits to be verbally beaten to a pulp. It is not up to you to resolve all your mother’s problems. For every problem you resolve, she will only generate ten more problems. She has decided to do this and she is staying on track this plan.
        You got away from your husband because of Stuff and now you have more Stuff going on. At some point Rebecca has to have a life and not just other people’s crap. This isn’t love. This isn’t what love looks like.

        1. fposte*

          I’m concerned also about the boiled frog problem–that as your mom gets needier, Rebecca, the fact that it’s incremental will keep you from seeing how untenable the situation has gotten, even if you don’t think it’s there yet. So do you know where she’s going when you can’t take care of her any more? Do you know what will define that for you?

          1. Washi*

            This are really good questions. When I worked with older people who were clearly declining but in denial about the decline, one thing we would ask, if they kept saying “not yet” was “ok, so how will you know when it’s time?”

            I think this is the time to be asking yourself that.

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        Sending you my warmest, encouraging thoughts. Won’t reiterate the good advice. In your heart, you know there is a choice. It might be a nuclear one (moving out, moving her to the other care home). But you have a choice to do more than put up with this…

        I know they are all hard choices. You get to choose what and when… how long it takes you to pick the best one for you – or any other action. You have been outstanding at seeing, planning and doing. (Much better than me, so I remain in awe of your strength).

        What I’m saying here – and supporting – is that I know you will make a choice. It is just going to take your planning, your will power, and your fortitude, to get through “this too.” But you will. I know you will.

        In some ways, knowing that your life was so much better, and that she “will” survive in a care home, you have valuable information. Things are never going to go back the way they were, no matter what she wishes. so… it’s just which path forward.

        You have all my support for making a plan to get her back into a care home, and get her safe. Since being home doesn’t make her one iota happier than being in the care home, where she is won’t ever improve her happiness level. If you take that into the equation as a wash, then all that’s left are your mental health and physical well being (and you know we come down on the side of protecting that hard-won territory!)…. and the finances to keep her somewhere safer. So she goes, or you go.

        The little things… the many endless irritations? The endless litany of complaints and lack of gratitude are vastly exacerbated by her new physical limitations and deterioration. There has to be a new path forward since this is not sustainable. You’ve recognized it.

        You have my complete support. I know you have a great track record of moving in a positive direction even when it’s one-shovel-full-of rocks-at-a-time to get that hurdle out of the way. Take the time you need…it’s just the “which path” and “when” now.

        Hug. If I was closer… I’d come help pack her up and drive her for you. Seriously.

    3. Jaid*

      I’m curious, if you said you were going to move out, what do you think her reaction would be?

      My sympathies on dealing with this.

    4. tab*

      I have an idea, but I don’t know if it’s a good one. I think you should write her a letter (or email) telling her how hurt you feel when she doesn’t appreciate the things you do for her and when she lashes out in anger. I’d give very specific examples. You should tell her that unless her behaviour changes, you’ll have to move out. You can say that’s not what you want to do, but you can’t take the treatment that she’s dishing out. Leave it with her while you spend a day and night away from the house, so it won’t immediately turn into an argument. Maybe when she thinks over the alternatives, she’ll behave better (at least for awhile). If she doesn’t change, moving out might be the best thing for both of you. Note that I’m an engineer, not a counselor, so take my recommendation with a huge grain of salt. I am rooting for you. You’ve been a supportive and loving daughter, and you deserve to be happy.

    5. Llellayena*

      One thing to keep in mind, available beds at the assisted living facilities are a finite resource. If you wait until you’re at the “one more day of this and someone will die” point, you might not have that option available. So plan for it now. Decide how long you can handle this and how you can cope while it’s happening and actually arrange for the transition to happen at the end of that time period. Maybe enlist her care team to help her prepare so it doesn’t seem like it’s just coming from you, that might lessen any reaction as if it’s a “betrayal” (it’s not).

    6. Rebecca*

      All good points, especially about the “duty of care”. On a human level, yes, someone should see that she’s looked after. Mom will never regain full use of her hand, age and osteoporosis are against her. She’s never been kind or grateful, so that won’t change either. She’s selfish, unkind, miserable, nasty, and honestly, I think she has more than one undiagnosed mental health issue. When she complained about how I organized and paid the bills for the 8+ weeks she wasn’t here, I told her that the next time she gets hurt and is out of the house for an extended period of time, she will hire an accountant to take care of it. I will stick to that. Electric bill is auto deducted, so it won’t affect me. Mom is entitled and doesn’t think the rules apply to her.

      I moved in with the intention of helping her declutter and downsize, as she repeatedly said she “wants out of here” but in the last year, she hasn’t even looked at senior living options, made zero phone calls, nothing. It does allow me to pay back my debts from the divorce settlement more quickly, and work at selling Dad’s antique vehicles, sell tools from the garage, etc. because I’m on site.

      I parked her on the back deck after I came in from mowing, said, wow, it’s warm and sunny, over 80 degrees, and she said “I’d like to go outside, but I can’t go out without help, so I guess…” I cut her off and said, enough of that. If you want to go outside, I’ll take you, just say the words. And she did, and I did. Going to bring her in soon as I’m going for a walk, but this is how she operates and always has. To the outside world, she’s such a sweet, smiling person, because she knows people will fall all over themselves to help a little old lady who is smiling and sweet and seems to be in need, but as for me, well, that’s an entirely different story. I’m not cutting her any slack any longer. You want something, ask, otherwise, do without. I’m not a mind reader.

      1. MaxiesMommy*

        “When is this going to happen!” is Crabbymom for “please” and “whenever you have a minute”. Ask me how I know.

      2. MaxiesMommy*

        Does she qualify for any kind of home health aide? Even a few hours a week? Who could tell you if she’s entitled to one? And is there a senior center that has activities she might participate in—exercises or bingo? I’d say activities she’d enjoy, but I know better. . . . And are all her friends passed on?

        1. Rebecca*

          Her income level is too high to qualify for help, so everything is self paid. She is also stingy and miserly, so if she can get anything for free, she does. She won’t utilize our senior transportation option here because it takes too long (going around, picking people up, getting dropped off, then waiting for an hour or 2 after the appointment to get back home). “I’m not waiting around like that”. I arranged for a friend to take her to the doctor on Thursday, 4 PM appointment, I got there at 4:25, she yelled across the waiting room “REBECCA!! I am still sitting here, it is 25 minutes past my appointment time!” Everyone looked at me. Then she said “if you want to leave now, I will reschedule”, and she started to get up. I said no, I got you a ride, I’ll take you home after your appointment, so sit still. And I played Farm Heroes Saga on my phone until they took her in, at 10 minutes to 5. She fussed and stewed the entire time.

          I talked to her this afternoon, and explained that if she wants something, she needs to plainly say it, not talk in circles, do the poor me thing, and be direct and say please and thank you. I felt like I was teaching a 3 year old to interact with others during play time. If she can’t do that, well, that’s on her. I have stuff to do other than try to figure out what Her Royal Highness is thinking about.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Unfortunately when getting through the next five minutes is a battle, it is very hard to focus on the future. In extreme cases it can be impossible to plan what to do next week or even tomorrow.

            I am getting more and more concerned that you have more stories from this woman who you will never, ever be able to please. She is going to continue doing these things until you change what you are doing. She does not need to check out the senior rides because you are right there and so on. Her plan is YOU.

            To me it sounds like she feels you owe her big time and she is going to make sure you pay up. One of her ways of getting you to pay is to make sure she is never happy with anything you have done. Many parents would cut off their arm to have an adult “kid” like you. You’re the kid so many hope for. But not her, nope, gratitude is just not going to happen. Worse yet, she wants to pull you down to her level of misery. She is not going to stop until you are in new levels of hell, I guess so she can have company?

            For your own health and well being, you need a long term action plan here. This is no different than the toxic hubby. It’s not sustainable. I understand all too well the day-to-day stuff is killing you. I can hear it in your writing. Indeed, many caregivers end up dead and their recipient lives on without them. You cannot do this indefinitely.

            I hope next week you come back with steps to your longer term plan and tell us how that is going. These moment by moment struggles are going to do nothing but land you in the hospital yourself. BTDT so I know what I am talking about.

            1. fposte*

              Not So New Reader knocks it out of the park again. Do listen to this, Rebecca. At some point you want a life that isn’t in service to somebody who treats you badly. I totally understand the benefits of paying down debts, etc., but I hope you’ll start considering your exit strategy here.

              1. Rebecca*

                You are both correct, and I am. I should have the final money for my house sale within the next 12 months. I’m putting money toward outstanding debt, because at the end of the day, if I pay rent, I have to have cash to pay it. And, for my own sake, I spend as much time away from her as possible. I am nearby, but not interacting with her if you know what I mean. As far as depending on me for driving – not going to work. I work in another county 5 days per week, so I’m gone during business hours Monday through Friday. And I don’t ask when appointments are, or who is taking her, simply, do you need me to pick you up at X doctor’s office after work on Thursday? I leave it up to her to call around and ask for rides. I’m saving my vacation time for time I want to take off.

                Which brings me to when I want to go see my daughter, or do other things that I might be away overnight or for several nights, I’m going to tell her 2-3 weeks in advance so she has time to arrange help and people to pay to come here. I’m not going to be the default person.

                And – I am sticking to this – if she doesn’t ask me to do something, I’m not going to just do it. Like laundry. I’ll be happy to throw a load of laundry in the washer and dryer when I’m going in and out of the house, but she’s going to have to ask me. Ditto food prep, or groceries.

                And, I had a small victory today. She spent hours over the last 2 days trying to balance her checking account, and I told her if she’d allow me to set up online access, I could figure it out in a few minutes. After much grumbling, she agreed. The amount off she was looking for was an interest payment from a CD that’s been coming in since February. She set it up. She should have known, but it seemed to be a mystery to her. I think she’s starting to cognitively decline along with the physical decline. I printed off the documentation from the bank website and showed her where the error was. She at least thanked me.

                So yes, I am working toward getting out of here. Her friends have told her (because they talk to me separately) that they would love to have a relative on site to manage things for them, do things that need to be done, but they don’t, and have to pay for help. They tell her how lucky she is, and they tell me she just dismisses it and changes the subject. I am also going to check with my attorney to make sure when I leave what things I need to have in place for her so I don’t possibly find myself in some sort of elder abuse or neglect situation.

                1. fposte*

                  I am very glad to hear that this is a finite situation. I would like your mother to be well taken care of, but not at the expense of you being well taken care of.

                2. Not So NewReader*

                  So this means within the next twelve months you can be out of this situation? I hope I am reading this correctly.

                  This is good, very good. Now what else will you need to successfully launch your new life? Is there anything else that you can be working on now? Can you build yourself a time-table or at least a loosely constructed outline of what you are doing to get to a better spot?

              2. Not So NewReader*

                “At some point you want a life that isn’t in service to somebody who treats you badly…”

                Ah, fposte, you sure know how to pack huge meaning into one sentence. I could feel a little tear coming up on this one.

                There is a parallel here. Alison talks about staying in a toxic work place for too long and then not being sure how to function in a normal work place. Everyone and everything becomes circumspect, we don’t know what to believe or who to trust and in some cases we forget HOW to trust.

                The same thing applies to at home situations. We stay in a toxic home setting, we forget that there is something else to be had, there is a better way and we can make it our new life. When younger me left home, I was scared. I point blank said I do not know how to function around sane people. I actually went for counseling to try to sort some of this, but the counselor I picked seemed to have more issues than I will ever have. So I gave up with that idea. I went with a Learn By Doing Plan.

                In some ways I am not just talking to Rebecca here. I am talking to anyone reading who finds startling parallels to their own life. Young Me did not know life could be better. Mid-aged Me has now learned that we have to insist on having quality lives. Young Me did not know we could do that.

                One of Alison’s big draws here is her consistent message that we CAN have a quality work life, with good relationships and we CAN have success in our jobs. The same is true of our personal lives. If a relationship feels like drowning or dying, those feelings are happening for a reason. We need to pay attention to those feelings and act.

                1. NoLongerYoung*

                  So true, late to reading your responses Fposte and NSNR.
                  I’m struggling but hoping to get this figured out in both parts of my life as a major goal.

    7. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      My grandma did the, “Wouldn’t it be nice if someone brought in the mail,” thing too, by which she meant right now. Drove my aunt batty.

      1. Rebecca*

        I’d like to have some fat free sugar free fake ice cream, but it’s downstairs in the deep freeze, and I can’t get it. I guess I’ll go without.

        Old reply – Mom, I’ll get it for you.

        New reply – Oh, that’s too bad. I guess so.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          It’s hard, isn’t it? My mom is, I think, more like you, so when grandma lived with us, they argued a lot more. My aunt was more hurt by helping a woman who was never really pleased. Never said thank you.

          One thing I learned afterward that I think would have helped: With dementia, some of the first things to go are delayed gratification and empathy. It makes sense. They are pretty high level and difficult skills. I’ll link the video I learned it from when I find it. It would have been easier, I think, to know that maybe it wasn’t that grandma was impatient or didn’t care. Maybe she just couldn’t. Not anymore.

  98. coffee cup*

    I have a feeling I may be slightly lactose intolerant. I had a few issues with digestion/stomach last week that resulted in me dialling way back on food and eating plain things for a few days. I went back to usual food but easing in. On Friday I went for a milkshake with my friend and when I got home my tummy was not happy. I had to assume the sudden large amount of ice cream/milk prompted it. I suspect it might just be when I eat a lot at once, as I have milk in cereal and coffee (not much else, I don’t really like it) and usually things are OK. I have noticed this only recently.

    So I probably should try switching to another, non-dairy milk and see if that helps, I guess. Does anyone here use non-dairy milk and can recommend? I use milk mainly for porridge in the autumn/winter and like it to be fairly creamy (hence I use milk and not water) and coffee (I like a cappuccino).

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have tried many of them. Coconut milk is my current fav because it’s rich, I feel spoiled by it. I get the unsweetened kind and I never notice there is no added sugars.

      I also like rice milk, almond milk and flaxseed milk. I stay away from soy so no soy milk for this kid.
      I tried goat’s milk. I really liked it but it tasted like I was grazing in a field some where. ha! Will try again in awhile.

      1. coffee cup*

        Does coconut milk taste of coconut? I am not the biggest coconut fan so that’s why I’m a bit hesitant. (I like coconut water, weirdly, though!) I am not into soy either. I thought a nut one would probably be a good choice but there’s so many these days! I tried oat milk a few years ago and it was too watery.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I don’t think it’s coconut-y. To me, it tastes like a rich cream. I do like coconut and I am not really tasting coconut that much. Could be just me.

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      Lately I’m really liking a combination almond and cashew milk. Cashews are often used in vegan and allergy friendly cooking to mimic the mouth feel of dairy cream.

      I’m lactose intolerant and I can handle certain amounts of various dairy products without taking anything or suffering, but there isn’t enough lactaid in the world that would allow me to drink a milkshake and not feel miserable afterwards.

    3. Weegie*

      I use almond milk mostly, but if you like something creamy, Alpro’s Single Soya is really good!

      It might be one or more of the proteins in milk that you can’t tolerate rather than lactose; the best way to find out is to drink a lactose-free milk, and if you suffer the same symptoms lactose is not the problem, it’s milk proteins.

      The proteins are my problem, and I can tolerate milk products once in a while (say once every two weeks) without much ill effect other than feeling very tired.

      1. Gatomon*

        +1 There is lactose-free milk (milk with the lactose enzyme stuff you can also buy as pills, but it’s built in) and that works great for me. If lactose-free milk is still an issue, then it’s probably milk itself. Also there are pills you can take before eating dairy products that will work for things like cheese or dining out. I keep a few in my wallet.

        The only non-milk milk I’ve ever liked has been soy, but in general I find all substitutes really watery and blech. Almond milk gives me a stomach ache.

    4. SpellingBee*

      I have no problems with dairy, but a few months back I bought cashew milk and almond milk for a houseguest who does. After she left there was some of both left over so I tried them, and the cashew milk was hands down my favorite. As Mimosa Jones mentioned, it had a nice creamy mouthfeel and a good flavor. The almond milk was too watery for me and I didn’t care for the taste. Both were unsweetened. So speaking as someone who drinks whole milk, I’d recommend the cashew.

    5. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve got this too and I’m still trying to figure out all of the triggers but lactose is definitely a huge factor and whole milk in particular, but not other types of dairy.

      I’m having luck either avoiding whole milk items, or testing whether a lactose pill helps keep the symptoms at bay or manageable.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Is it possible you reacted to an additive in the milkshake rather than the milk itself?

      My daughter does not have a problem with milk or cheese, but there’s carageenan (a binding agent made from seaweed) in some milkshakes that bothers her. Fast food places also do not clean the milkshake machines as often as one might hope.

      I wouldn’t deprive yourself of dainty without further evidence.

    7. Llellayena*

      Before you switch entirely away from dairy milk, try Lactaid. It’s dairy milk without the lactose. My dad found that if he had a glass of the Lactaid on a day, he could handle other dairy products, but if he skipped he needed to avoid all dairy that day. So it might help keep you tolerant for other things. If you knock out dairy altogether, your system will adjust to no dairy and you might not be able to handle going back.

    9. Washi*

      I love Oatly since oat milk is better for the environment than nut milks. It is pretty expensive though (almost $5 a carton) so I’ve been making my own oat milk! I’ve had to mess around with it a bit, but I’ve found that adding a small handful of nuts, a little maple syrup, and a couple drops of walnut extract makes it quite tasty.

      That said, I haven’t had real milk in almost 10 years, so I’m not a good judge of how it compares to the real deal.

    10. Una*

      Lactose-free milk is exactly the same as regular milk except they add the lactase enzyme (the one lactose intolerant people stop producing) to break down the lactose into two other sugars (glucose and galactose). It has the same texture and flavor, maybe a little bit sweeter.

      But for non-dairy milk, texture-wise I like vanilla almond milk (all the brands taste slightly different). It has a ton of sugar and additives to make it so, but damn it if it doesn’t taste like melted ice cream. Oat milk is fine with cereal, would probably be good with porridge, and has a good texture too. As expected, it’s a bit oaty in flavor, so not sure how it would be with coffee.

    11. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      Seconding the oat milk recommendation. Oatly and Califia are the most dairy-like, particularly the barista blend (and re Califia I only buy the barista blend; their barista blend almond is also good, if a little sweet). I have tried other brands and they are remarkably bad.

      Those two brands of oat are great in lattes. I switched from dairy to oat and would sometimes have to confirm with my barista that it really wasn’t milk. And I’m a picky person. Good luck!

  99. Catherine from Canada*

    Hi everyone, I know this is a long shot but maybe someone can help me. I would like to track down a science fiction trilogy I read as an early teen. It was set in France, in the future, and most (all?) of Earth had been taken over by aliens, who lived in huge metal structures on legs that towered over the landscape. In a sort of rite of passage, all 13 year olds had their heads shaved, we taken up into these structures and had a fine mesh skull cap attached to their scalps. Everyone was controlled by these skull caps.
    For some reason, two or three youths ran away from home and followed (tried to follow?) the “chemin de fer” (even though they didn’t know what that word meant, all languages had been replaced with English?) to escape to England.
    Does this ring any bells? It was in our school library and I’d like to read it again.
    Am currently driving past huge windmills that remind me very much of the alien structures in theses stories.

    1. Morning Reader*

      John Christopher, the tripods? I don’t remember the bit about shaved heads but the rest sounds familiar.

      2. peanut*

        I immediately also thought John Christopher, but the funny part is that the only part of those books I remembered were the shaved heads!

    3. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve never heard of these but they sound awesome.
      Too bad there isn’t a kindle edition. Love that descriptive artwork on the covers, reminds me of old copies of the Pern books.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I read only the first two sentences, and I thought, “the tripods!”

      If you’re looking for something vaguely similar, and also quite good, try “The Chrysalids” by John Wyndham.

    5. I edit everything*

      Oh, I should look for these for my son. I never read them, but I remember them from when I was a kid. He needs a new series to get into.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Not sure what he’s read already, or his age range, but my daughter’s friends went big into The Ranger’s Apprentice series (John Flanaghan) and Keys to the Kingdom (Garth Nix).

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I loved those books when I was a kid! I have no idea how well they’ve aged, but I read everything the library had by John Christopher growing up. (I’m pretty sure the main character started in England and then picked up the other character in France on his way to Switzerland, which makes the “mangled French” thing more understandable. As someone growing up in an area with pretty much no French speakers, a lot of those references were pretty baffling as a kid.)

    7. Bagpuss*

      Immediately thought it’s the Tripods series by John Christopher – glad to see others got it fast for you.
      There was a prequel aimed at slightly younger readers called ‘When the Tripods Came’

  101. Roz Doyle*

    I need some advice on navigating a slightly delicate issue, related to friends who I think are trying to set me up. To paint the picture, I’m a straight single gal, in my mid-30s, on the lookout for a partner/future hubby. I am suspecting my friend Jane and her husband John, whom I’ve known for a while, are trying to set me up with John’s brother, Ben. I am very NOT into Ben; had met him at many of their parties and omg, it’s a hard NO. So first, here is why I think they’re trying to set me up and if you friendly folks could validate my suspicion that would be great. First clue – which I think I totally misinterpreted is this: Jane invited me along to a karaoke night at Ben’s rock climbing club that her and John are going to. My first, internal reaction was “great, I like to sing and Ben’s climbing club should have some cute fit guys there”. I immediately agreed. I was the only one of the single girls in our group of friends that Jane invited so I felt extra special haha. HOWEVER, last night at an outing with Jane and John at one of those adult arcade / video game places, as we were in line to pay get our prizes, John told me that Ben told John to invite me to Ben and his dad’s house (Ben lives with his slightly ailing dad) for brunch, b/c John and Jane are going as well and that Ben makes excellent brunch. I politely declined while thinking “yikes”. There were other friends out with us, but from what I could tell, John only told me about his invite. I was thinking of texting Jane one evening and telling her how fun I think karaoke will be and that I’m looking forward to seeing if there will be some cute guys at the event, but now, I’m not sure if I should even be going and might be better off doing something else? Or just go and see how the event is? Am I misinterpreting this situation? or am I bang on? Should I just ask Jane straight out if this is meant to be a set up? For context, Jane and John are very social ppl with a wide social circle, and I thought of asking them if they know any single eligible guys that might be a nice match for me, but maybe that would not be the best thing. I am a fan of putting the word out that I’m on the lookout for a boyfriend, really not a fan of online dating, I tried it on several occasions with very meh results and never a boyfriend out it. I prefer meeting ppl in person through activities, networking events etc. and through friends of friends.

    1. fposte*

      I would say something directly to Jane. “Hey, it seems like you might be hoping for something between me and Ben, and there’s been no chemistry for me there. I’m fine with being set up generally, though, so if there’s anybody else you’d like me to meet let me know.”

      1. valentine*

        I like fposte’s script. If you would want to see the other climbers even if Jane admits the matchmaking attempt (which I totally think they’re doing, especially with Ben making brunch and involving his home and dad), you could say that first.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Ask. “Hey, are you all planning to try to set me up with Ben?” Wait for response. If affirmative, “I really appreciate the sentiment, and I’ve actually been thinking of asking you to be on the lookout for single guy friends you think I’d get along with with, but the interactions I’ve had with Ben have convinced me he’s not for me.” If negative, “Okay cool. I just got the vibe because of a couple of events you’ve set up and things you’ve mentioned. If you think of someone in the future, I’m game, but the interactions I’ve had with Ben have convinced me he’s not for me.”

      And good Lord, I swear I’m going to start an online class called How To Set Your Friends Up 101.

    3. Llellayena*

      I’d go with your first instinct to send the “hope there are some cute guys there” text. It’s a very subtle way of indicating that you’re not going just for Ben (and keeps you invited so you can see if there are other cute guys there). If they push (either at that event or after) you can follow with fpost’s script. I think things are still too murky on whether they’re trying to set you up to assume. But then my friends are a bit more obvious in the “hey there’s this guy you should meet…do you like him? poke/nudge”

    4. LilySparrow*

      The way I see it, them setting you up with Ben isn’t a problem. Everybody pussyfooting around like a Jane Austen parody is the problem.

      Even if theg are setting you up, (which, who knows?) they aren’t trying to do anything mean or bad to you. You said yourself that you are looking to date, and you prefer meeting peoole through friends. They aren’t trying to force Ben on you – they have no idea you don’t like him.

      Fpostes script is perfect. Use it. Go to the karaoke. Enjoy yourself.

  102. Miss Fisher*

    Has anyone here ever gone to or plan to go to CrimeCon or CrowdSolve? I find the idea of CrowdSolve to be really interesting but Chicago in February does not. I would love to go one of these years, but want to get some experiences. Is it worth the money?

    3. Dancing Otter*

      It looks as though everything will be happening in the hotel, so no need to venture out in the slush and snow. The Palmer House almost certainly has an airport shuttle, and Chicago has pretty decent public transportation between downtown and O’Hare Airport. So, yes, winter clothes will be needed for getting back and forth, but the climate oughtn’t to matter much while you’re there.
      On the other hand, you could wait for the one in Orlando.

    4. KayEss*

      That late in February the most dangerous, transport-halting winter weather should be over. It’ll be cold, gray, and dismal, but you shouldn’t have problems getting transport around the city or run serious risk of weather-related flight cancellations.

      But I’ll grant that it’s definitely not the favorite time of year for anyone who lives here, either.

  103. MaxiesMommy*

    Chicago in February is fine—I’ve been in November. Booties and a puffer coat, cashmere sweater underneath. Think of all the sales!

    2. Filosofickle*

      Not sure I can agree with that….lived in Chicago for years and February was the worst month! All gray skies and piles of dirty ice.

  104. Jaid*

    The cat Grandpa Mason crossed the Rainbow Bridge. He was an old feral cat that was rescued during a TNR project and kept because of poor health. At first, he didn’t want anything to do with anyone, but when feral kittens were brought in, he began grooming them and soon was the kitten caretaker.

    His kidneys finally failed him, so the Tiny Kitten HQ folks gave him one last night in his bed surrounded by kittens, and then took him the next day for the procedure. But I think he had two good years of being safe, comfortable, and surrounded by kittens…

  105. DoctorateStrange*

    I’m really upset. I feel that for the first time I am truly struggling in a class for grad school. It’s an online program and the professor is hands-off and gives information difficult to interpret, including putting assignment information in places you least expect while having barely anything about it in the syllabus. I checked with peers and apparently they also had similar frustrations.

    We’re still in the first month of the semester, so I am hoping that whatever mistakes I make, I can recover. I already emailed her to ask how my progress is and if there is anything I need to be careful about. Send me positive vibes that I can pull a B still!

    2. Filosofickle*

      Couple of questions…
      Have you received grades that aren’t up to your expectations, or is this a fear of future grades? In my grad program we often didn’t get much guidance, but that didn’t necessarily impact our grades. (Honestly I think they liked us to stumble around in the dark. They valued our independent thought more than specific instructions. Drove me bananas — you have to be grading me on something! Tell me what it is!) But it sounds like you have received some grades you don’t like?

      You’ve talked to peers, meaning in your class currently? Can you talk to people who’ve taken courses with this professor before? That might help give you guidance on what the professor is looking for if they aren’t forthcoming.

      You have a bunch of months yet! You can definitely turn it around. Keep following up with your instructor, try for an in-person conversation so you can connect better. Too easy to be ignored or handwaved via email.

  106. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Health/Fall Weather Question:

    Where I live, the weather’s been SO erratic: temp change (86 to 56 to 90) means sinus issues (tight TMJ-like jaw), post nasal drip. I’ve tried hot showers, hot compresses, Tylenol, Sudafed, mucinex, lots of sleep, and I still feel better but still “off”.

    Can anyone commiserate?

    Granted it’s better than 1.5 weeks ago with teeth aching one side that turned into jaw pain and headaches (no fever etc.) but how have you coped?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You might benefit from a check in with a chiro. You may have something out of alignment. Have you hit your head on anything lately? A bump on the skull can put a bunch of stuff out of whack.

      OTH, it could be time to have your teeth checked. It could be a bad tooth.

      I use peppermint oil or arnica cream for random pain. I also use willow bark when the sinuses get plugged up. Anything that does not clear up in fairly short order, should probably be checked out.

      1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        No head bumps, and it was radiating teeth pain that vanished. My last dental checkup 4 months ago came back clean.

        Just weird sinus stuff etc..:/

    2. fhqwhgads*

      If you can stomach it, Aleve might be more helpful than Tylenol. Are you well hydrated? If no that may be making it worse. Otherwise, stick with the showers and hot compresses. One thing I’ve found, if you’re like me and try to take as little as possible, that might be making it worse. For example, take one Aleve (or whatever you’re taking) feel a bit better for a bit, wait until it hurts back to the original amount before taking anything again – that’ll drag it out vs if you keep taking it like clockwork at the interval the labels indicate are safe, do so consistently for a couple of days. That might have a better result.

    3. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I’m having the same issue (but in FL, where it is still hot, but also very windy now as dry air moves in). I learned that I can’t take the Sudafed or anything with -D on the end of it because I get ALLLLL the bad side effects. However, I was advised to try the following: Flonase, 24 hour Claritin (regular, not the -D), and ibuprofen when I get a headache and this regimen seems to work, once the Flonase is in my system. I also take Vit E and chewable Vit C daily no matter what to help keep my immune system up to fight off the sinus crap to the extent it can. Also sinus massage, and back of neck massage can help as well. Wishing you relief and good luck!

    4. Tea and Sympathy*

      I find that steaming my face-sinus area helps. I bought a steamer device for this purpose, which I would recommend because it has a temperature control built in. But if you want to see if it helps, boil a pan of water, take it off the stove and let it cool down just a bit, put your face above it and throw a towel over your head and the pot. Be careful not to get too close to the water or to stay under the towel too long at a time.

    5. Third or Nothing!*

      I’ve found tea to be helpful when dealing with allergies and sinus stuff. Traditional Medicinals Throat Coat with a little honey added can really soothe a sore throat, and a nice mint tea can help clear the sinuses a bit. It’s not a cure-all or anything, but it is pretty soothing.

  107. Sally G*

    I’ve been watching a lot of dog training on YouTube, especially It’s Me or the Dog with Victoria Stilwell. It reminded me of these people that I used to know. They would get really mad at their dog. They said that he would go to the bathroom inside the house in order to “get back at them“ for I don’t remember what. But after watching the dog training videos, that’s never something that comes up. I’ve never heard her say that the dog was going potty in the house because he was trying to get back at the owners. Is that something that a dog can do or were those people just crazy?

    1. fposte*

      Those people are incorrect. I wouldn’t say they were crazy, since this is a pretty popular notion about both cats and dogs, but it’s not true; the revenge portion is generally a human projection on animal anxiety, territoriality, etc.

    2. Cora*

      I’ve heard a few times that dogs don’t pee in the house out of anger or to “get back at you” and personally whenever my dogs have had potty accidents inside, I didn’t think it was them trying to get back at me. However, I do have a friend whose dogs will pee on their bed when they don’t do what he wants, like if a toy he wants is stuck under the couch and they won’t get it for him. So not sure, but I do think it’s technically possible that a dog could pee in the house in response to its owners doing something the dog didn’t like.

      1. fposte*

        It’s extremely unlikely that those pieces go together like that for the dog, though. Beds are high-value, high scent locations, and there’s a reason dogs tend to pee on them when they’ve got anxiety or they’re resource guarding–it’s not about deliberate destruction, which isn’t something dogs associate with peeing anyway. It’s unfortunate the payback thing is such a strong folk belief because it means that people often just go to that fairly hostile explanation rather than understanding their dog better.

    3. Revenge of Dog*

      I have a dog who revenge pees. Usually after we go on a vacation, but not recently because he really likes my brother (who has been watching him) but literally. We would take him outside and wait outside with him, he’d sniff around then come to us to go inside, and we’d take him out again and again but he’d not pee. So we’d go upstairs and he’d stop and look us in the eye and pee all over the stairs.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      With almost any dog behavior my go-to question is, “What have I done to cause this?” In all likelihood, I have done SOMETHING.

      Young pups can go outside, NOT pee and then come back in and pee. What I did wrong here, was I got a pup in the winter and let him use pads or paper to pee on. (too cold and the pup was so. very. little) Then when early spring came I was not as diligent about getting him outside, so he thought he “should” pee in the house because that was his life so far.

      My friend has an adult dog that pees/poops in the house. Well what’s going on here. My friend will sleep 12-14 hours at a clip and not get up to check the dog. Once up, the dog is not a priority, other things are a priority. You can see this building and building here. Dogs are a pack animal. When they live with just humans those humans become their pack. Interaction is super important. If there is no positive interact then negative interaction can become acceptable. Plus the dog has “gotta go!”

      So my question to your friend would be why does the dog feel the need to get revenge? There’s an overall pattern going on that the dog is probably responding to.

  108. schnauzerfan*

    Just crazy. It’s possible the dog had some sort of separation thing going so people would leave, dog would get stressed and make a mess… and they interpreted the behavior as anger or whatever, when it was fear/stress.

  109. MamaSarah*

    The big D (divorce…or separation…or break up). When did you bounce back? At what point did you feel ready to date? Have sex with someone that is not your (former) spouse? Any one reconcile after significant time apart? I’ve held space for my previous partner for several months (he ended our 8 year realtioship on February 13) and I’m over it. I’m starting to feel excited for my future and ready for whatever comes next. Thanks in advance for your willingness to share.

  110. Jax*

    I can’t stop laughing at the cat on the left, sitting on the maroon something on the bed. I have a cat that does that too. I once tossed a new pair of potholders on the bed (for some reason, right out of the bag) and that’s of course what she immediately sat on.

  111. MaxiesMommy*

    Found Slater, our rescue kitty, playing with a dead rodent when I came home from the store—he was throwing it up in the air, flipping it with his paws, etc. He came over to the car talking to me excitedly, so I went over to “examine” it and praise him, but when I got up he ran in front of me like “don’t go yet”. So I found two sticks and played with it like chopsticks—threw it far enough for him to go get it (couldn’t bring myself to touch it). We did that for a while, and I realized I was not Disney princess material and the teapot wouldn’t be singing. ( sigh ) But the kitty’s happy.

  112. Third or Nothing!*

    Knee deep in training for my first half marathon on November 9. Saturday’s long run did not go well – I had to bail 0.5 mile from my goal distance. My feet were covered in blisters even though I slathered on the Body Glide, I couldn’t stop coughing and wheezing (allergies? asthma? who knows), and my legs ached from the exertion. I’m hoping it was just because I pushed too hard and not because I can’t hack anything past 9 miles…

    We’ll see how strength training goes today.

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