weekend free-for-all – September 7-8, 2019

by Alison Green on September 7, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: City of Girls, by Elizabeth Gilbert. A 19-year-old gets expelled from Vassar in 1940 and is sent to live with her black sheep aunt who runs a theater in New York City. She befriends showgirls, discovers men, and figures out how she wants to live her life. I quite enjoyed it.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Lena Clare*

    Something I saw on Twitter this week really made me think – how do people manage to have a full time job (or even a job and study) plus cook themselves nutritious meals every day, keep the house clean, incorporate regular exercise into their daily routine, enjoy their hobbies and their weekend, and spend time with family and friends?

    I mean…I don’t manage it, and I’m single. I’m not even talking about juggling kids in the mix.

    How do you manage it? I am even behind on my reading, let alone the cleaning up.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am a full time student with a full time job and a family of three people, two dogs, three cats and a snake. I have a flexible definition of “nutritious” (frozen vegetables totally count), I work from home and have a set of exercise pedals under my desk that I use daily, and I pay someone else to do the deep cleaning. As far as reading, I read on my phone for a half hour between getting into bed and actually going to sleep pretty much every night. (Also, the people who own the cats and snake handle all their maintenance, and my dogs are pretty low maintenance outside of wanting to snuggle :) )

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          They work pretty well, though they get awfully warm after a bit. I have a daily task that involves click here and press enter, repeated 50-100 times, so I pedal aggressively while I do that and otherwise ignore them. (I’ve known people who just low key pedaled all day, but never enough to break a sweat.) mine were $25 from Target online, higher-end ones might not heat up the same way.

          1. Chaordic One*

            I work on the swing shift and there is someone who works days, whom I’ve never seen, who has a “thighmaster” (like what Suzanne Somers hawked back in the 1980s) sitting on her desk. I imagine that she must have shapely thighs.

      2. Gleeze*

        Why wouldn’t frozen veggies count? Frozen is usually better because picked in peak time (i.e. has the most nutrients)

        1. JaneB*

          and not stored/shipped/generally aging – frozen is usually frozen less than a day after picking, so in many ways it’s great!

    2. KimberlyInOhio*

      I have a full-time job, I’m working on my doctorate, and I have a side editing business. I try to keep the latter two from overlapping, but authors gonna author and I’m spinning all the plates now. I think a lot of #adulting involves lowering the bar. Like, keep the house tidy instead of deep cleaning all the time. And combine things when you can, like reading or listening to audiobooks while exercising. Play your audiobook while you’re doing house chores or cooking, or even better, play some upbeat music and dance while you’re doing your work so you can get some exercise in there, too. Combining. Also, get rid of things that collect dust and you just have to move them around to clean. Unless you really love them, just donate them. Have you thought of those meal kit services? That might help with the meal things, too. I don’t cook, and I’m way too picky to outsource fooding to a stranger, but it might be worth checking out. Good luck, fellow adult!

    3. Lemonish*

      Lower standards and outsourcing whatever I can :)

      I have a husband, a son, and two youngish dogs. I work full-time and am lucky to be able to work from home at least 3 days a week, which saves me at least 5 hours of commuting and also allows me to do things like fold laundry or cook dinner during conference calls.

      We have a cleaner who comes in about once a week, depending on our schedules. My son is 8, so he’s expected to do things like make his own breakfast under limited supervision and fold his own laundry. We’re taking a family cooking class next week to get his knife skills going, and then I will work with him to get him cooking at least a meal a week.

      I am on a restricted diet, so every other I batch cook enough meals for about two weeks. I then cook for my husband and son 5 times a week. They go out once a week and get takeaway once a week. My husband cleans the kitchen every night after dinner. The day that they go out, I go grocery shopping for the whole week. (We live in a rural area, so popping down to the shop isn’t really a thing for us. In general, I find that shopping for a whole week is fine. I have a basic repertoire that I cycle through and I know there’s automated shopping lists and stuff that would probably save me even more time, but I don’t feel like investing the start up time to get that going.)

      Exercise is an area I’d like to improve in. I walk the dogs about 3 miles a day most days, but I’m not getting any strength training done and I need to sort that.

      I am also trying to get into writing for myself again. I have time, it’s just re-developing the habit. I read when I can (finding a series that I’m into really helps with that) and have read 17 books so far this year. Last year, I prioritised reading and ended up reading 77, so setting priorities definitely determines what gets done. (This year’s priority is to walk 1000 miles and so far, I’m at 775. I guess the lesson is to prioritise strength training and daily writing next year!)

      So yeah, let me add prioritising what’s most important to my list of how to manage things. :)

    4. ConfusedKiwi*

      I think you usually can’t do everything – you just have to work out what’s the most important to you. Or at least that’s my strategy. I work 30 hours a week, have two kids, we use a meal delivery service so we eat well, I exercise on my commute, there’s not much social life, the house is patchy (but the Roomba helps a lot!) and I’m not even sure what my hobbies are anymore! But it works for now. At various times in my working life hobbies have been more prominent and eating and exercise have been less… I like how it’s working now but I’m sure in another 10 years I’ll have a different balance. :-)

          1. New ED*

            Me as well. It is truly the only way I would fit regular exercise into my life. Plus, I enjoy it! Getting to say that your commute is one of the best parts of your day is a pretty awesome benefit

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I saw this (or something similar) and someone answered that it’s because the current system of living with a full-time job and everything that comes with it was constructed with the idea that there would be someone (a woman) at home to do the cooking, cleaning, and all the extra stuff that a full-time job makes difficult.

      1. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

        Yeah I mean honestly! Our lives would be infinitely better with a 4 day work week, where most people are working around 30 hours a week. Just having a weekday to do household chores, go to the grocery store, go to the bank, go to the DMV, or do whatever life-maintenance you need to do is so powerful, and it means you can mostly spend your weekends on actual leisure.

        Households (both physical living spaces and the maintenance of the people who live in them) take so much work! I honestly don’t think people can really do all of it on top of a full-time job and still have an amount of time for hobbies & leisure that I think is necessary to live a good life.

        1. LizB*

          At a low point in my recent job search I had the thought that damn, if I didn’t have to have full-time employment in order to get access to health care, I would switch to working part time in a heartbeat and be 1000% happier. Like, 30 hours a week sound wonderful to me… but I also need to see doctors and stuff, so 40 hours it is. (Never mind that a lack of time/energy for exercise, healthy eating, and leisure will definitely increase my need to see doctors in the medium-to-long runs……..)

        2. misspiggy*

          A recent research project in New Zealand had the employees of a company switch to four-day weeks on the same pay. It worked so well in terms of efficiency and morale that the company is keeping the model going.

        3. Meepmeep*

          Or a part time workday. I switched to working part time when I had my daughter, and I never want to go back to a full time schedule. I have the time to take care of my family and my house, I am not constantly rushed, and I can do things like go to the bank during business hours.

        4. Alexandra Lynch*

          My boyfriend realized this. He’s had weight loss surgery and is developing Sjogren’s syndrome like his mother, which causes underproduction of saliva. He also has DID, along with anxiety and depression. The only way he manages to eat a varied and healthy diet while living in an orderly environment that soothes his anxiety and supports him is to pay to support me. I do the cleaning and organizing and am a good enough cook to work around his food issues. It’s 1950’s division of labor, but I’m a good homemaker and organizer, and my own health issues are such that I can get quite a lot done if I can sit down and rest a lot, and I like being home and taking care of a nice house. We pay to have the yard mowed, and the flowers are such (roses) that I can handle the care myself. We do not have a dog because no one has the ability to walk it. However, the two cats are my responsibility to feed and water. They get cuddles from everyone.

          He works in IT and often takes a walk while things are downloading or compiling, and takes a long walk at lunchtime, and that’s how he gets his exercise. Once we get done with putting shelves up in the garage, he’ll have room to get to his weight set, and he can do that too every now and again in an evening. My own exercise is limited to yoga, but when I get a car next year I will be able to join a local gym and just go there while he’s at work.

          1. Alexandra Lynch*

            I’ll add that we’re both in our mid-forties and it’s a childfree household; I have sons who are now grown by my first husband.

      2. TechWorker*

        Oh, 100%. The vast majority of middle and senior management at my company have a wife at home who either doesn’t work or works part time. The number of people who have a partner who works AND kids is vanishingly small (and in those cases it’s usually because the woman earns more and the some of the man has thus gone part time…)

    6. Fikly*

      The expectation of being able to pull that off is based on a two-person couple where one person is not working. Which is to say, completely unrealistic and not possible in today’s society for the vast majority who are not uber wealthy.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, exactly this. Someone on Twitter responded to that with basically — postwar capitalism is why we have the schedule, lifestyle, and expectations we have attached to our (work) lives. In a time when most women did NOT work outside the home, but were full time unpaid managers of all domestic and family duties, those things made a kind of sense, and worked for many people.

        A lot of what’s happened in the 70 years since, with the denigration of those domestic and family responsibilities and the expectation that everyone should be able to work AND manage those tasks, is due to rampant misogyny in the context of an acquisitive capitalist culture. Those tasks belonged for generations in a female sphere, and were unpaid, therefore they are seen as unimportant.

        An acquaintance of mine is working on a book right now in which she essentially blames the Victorians for coming up with all this nonsense, and reminds people that “traditional roles” for hundreds, if not thousands, of years of human history meant the entire multigenerational family working together at the family business, NOT “man goes off to work and earns money, wife stays home and manages domestic duties.”

      2. ampersand*

        I recently quit my full-time job to stay home with my baby—my husband works full-time. We had a housekeeper who cleaned twice per month until recently; in an effort to save some money I thought I could do all the cleaning instead. Turns out, I can’t do all the cleaning—not with a baby to take care of. I had a mini-breakdown this week from trying to do All The Things. I don’t understand how women used to do this for years on end. It’s HARD. I’m slowly learning that you have to just let some stuff go and re-prioritize as needed.

        1. TechWorker*

          Letting go sounds very sensible. ‘Women who did this for years’ may also have had different circumstances – eg family close by to help out/older children expected to help out with younger children, etc. I don’t

          1. ampersand*

            Good point about family. I forget about that, probably because we don’t have family nearby, either.

        2. PurpleMonster*

          It’s a good thing to let it go now, because soon you’ll have a toddler who will literally pull out toys the second you put them away. I’ve heard it described as ‘shoveling snow in a blizzard’ and it’s so true. I’m just trying to make my peace with the state of my house.

        3. Alexandra Lynch*

          Historically women with new babies had a live-in maid of all work at minimum. In nice middle-class Victorian households, they had a cook, a waitress (who did a butler’s job) and usually a laundress who came once a week and did the laundry. So she had nothing to do but attend to the baby.

          If she’d had, say, three kids in four years, often they added a nursery maid or nanny, until the kids got toilet trained and up to an age where they could start school.

          So historically, women didn’t do it all by themselves.

          2. Parenthetically*

            Plenty of (probably most?) women historically DID do it without paid help, but many more women in the past lived in multi-generational or multi-family homes. You’re right that lower-social-class women have always supported the child-rearing and housekeeping of higher-social-class women, however, often to the detriment of their own children, or their own children being forced to work at a very young age.

          3. TL -*

            Most likely the live in maid, the cook, the waitress, and the laundress all had their own children. So for every woman who had “nothing to do but care for the baby” there were up to four working with children.

            Working mothers have existed for as long as there have been jobs.

            1. Person from the Resume*

              Those lower class working women were not expected to have a fulfilling life and their kids were often taking care of their younger children until they started working at like 10 or 12 years old.

              1. JaneB*

                The live-in staff rarely had children they were responsible for – they were often not allowed to marry, lived in shared rooms, and were turned off if they became pregnant and had to leave to marry. If they DID have a child, the child lived with their parents or another relative, sometimes supported by the mother’s wages such as they were.

                I read a really interesting article recently about some regions of the world today where the NORM is that grandma looks after children once they are weaned and does small piecework type work, often home-based, whilst the mother (who is younger, has more energy and better health) is a full time worker who often works away from home for much of the year, e.g. as a near-live-in domestic worker, or even working in another country (see e.g. Caribbean or Philipine women working as skilled nurses or child care or similar in Europe and America…), and I think that is likely to have been more widely the case.

                Also, there are many kinds of family historically – in my own family, for example, there were often unmarried or widowed “aunties” (any kind of kin of the same generation as your parents is referred to as an aunt in family stories, it is SO CONFUSING) in the household – they sometimes worked, always helped out with different aspects of the household, and had a much nicer place to live and company than they could afford as a solo household.

                And my great-grandad put his youngest two children into an orphanage when his first wife died because the older ones were all boys and working (and the older kids used to go and get the littles once a week for Sunday dinner – they were still very much part of the family, just unable to be cared for at home), and took them back into the home full time again when he married again, and apparently that was very normal all round. We have some very odd, very restricted ideas at the moment about what “normal” is, and it definitely messes up our understanding of work!

                Also, we do a heck of a lot more for and with children these days, even when they’re tiny, never mind when they start to move and speak and stuff – all these assumptions about classes and activities and managed play dates and quality time and getting a head start at school and never being unsupervised are very new, and even looking at my friends’ kids, they spend far far less time being turfed out of the house to play or being left to get on with stuff with limited supervision than my sister and I did.

                1. MarfisaTheLibrarian*

                  Confusing–but also you should see me and my cousin (the family genealogists) trying to explain third-cousin-twice-removed to the rest of the family

        4. Meepmeep*

          Taking care of a baby is a full time job in itself. The way women used to do this is by having lots of extended family around, because there’s no way someone can do this alone.

          In hunter gatherer tribes, there are 14 adults, on average, taking care of one baby – aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents. This is what we evolved for, and this is the norm for the human species.

          So yeah, screw the housework. You’ve got enough to do.

        5. Reba*

          Consider the origin of “Spring Cleaning” — the things you cleaned in spring because you literally did not clean them the rest of the year, you didn’t have time given all the other survival activities.

          I know I read about this in a book about the history of women and labor… that I got in this great revolutionary bookstore in my college town… If I can dig it up I’ll share the title!

    7. Angwyshaunce*

      I’ve devised a system that ensures everything that needs to get done, does. It’s a three tier list of tasks that includes *everything*.

      Every day after work, I have two “waves” of chores. The first I do immediately, to get them out of the way. The second I do before bed, which is pretty much cleaning up the mess from just before. That generally leaves me 2 – 4 hours an evening for cooking, cleaning, hobbies, projects, or relaxation.

      This system does not add hours to the day though, so I still have to sacrifice some optional stuff. I rarely do deep cleaning, don’t exercise, and don’t eat all that well. But I do make time for fun stuff.

      Remember, when you’re on top of chores, they don’t take as long, which can help leave you more time in the day for other things.

    8. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

      Lowering standards and combining activities!
      For example, unless you have one of those “utterly adorable but shed hairs every time they breathe out” pets, you’re not going to need to vacuum every day. Congratulations! That’s one less chore to do after you’ve done your 9-5.
      Speaking of which, assuming you’re doing a 9-5 with an hour commute,(30 mins in either direction), can you combine your “reading” with the commute time? Obviously, this is easier on public transport, but if you drive yourself, try an audiobook. Or, if you can commute on a bike, there’s your daily exercise!
      Don’t save up your chores for the weekend, do half an hour every night just to keep the place tidy (we’re not talking deep cleaning the grout in the bathroom on a Tuesday evening here!) and hygienic.

      And here’s an important point: if your friends are the type who will inspect your baseboards for dust – get some better friends!
      Also, priorities change as you get older. When your read the article, were you picturing “spending time with your friends” as four hours in a nightclub kind of socialising? Because that stops happening as you get older. Socialising becomes having ‘nutritious’ meals (that you take turns at hosting – again, one fewer meal to cook/clean up for you if it’s not your turn and it’s combining friends and food)

      1. NACSACJACK*

        She doesnt shed hair every time she breathes. She just sheds twice a year…for six months each time. Labradors. Gotta love them!

      2. JaneB*

        who the heck vacuums every day without having a medical need to do it? I’d better not invite them to my place (even when I’m “on top” of everything by my standards, the occasional feline-origin tumblehair rolls past…)

    9. Loopy*

      At least for me- this was a bit depressing to think about in terms of my own life.

      I got really into a hobby that makes me happy and totally lost any semblance of balance- no exercising, eating well, etc. So I tried to step back, but i’m still at maybe two days of exercise a week, not eating much better and cleaning is always last on the list (my house isn’t disgusting, but it’s not clean).

      It’s sad that the first thing I always feel has to be cut back is the stuff that makes me happy- my hobby and just having unstructured lazy time without guilt. When I try and even to be moderate and fit everything in just to a small degree, I feel stressed and sad. Work for me is being away 10 hours a day, and I really need 7-8 hrs of sleep, so really everything else feels crammed in.

    10. Anon attorney*

      I work four days a week and am studying part time. Single, no kids or pets (unless you count Cyrus the stuffed panda, although he doesn’t make much mess). I think it’s impossible to do everything, but that just means you need to understand what’s most important to you, and why you do what you do. For me, at the moment I am prioritizing healthy eating and exercise, so I will, for example, take a dance class in preference to going out drinking or reading a book. I batch cook at weekends. I don’t work ridiculous hours and don’t have a bad commute which helps. The low priority things for me just now are my home (I let it get untidy in the week and spend a morning of the weekend tackling it – I am relaxed about mess but it needs to be sanitary!) and my romantic life. If I am going to start dating again I can see that something is going to have to give. Will deal with that if it happens! I don’t feel the need to perform a successful lifestyle on social media (nor am i interested in others claiming to be and do it all) and I think that helps. Saying that, the extra day in the week makes a huge difference to me and I don’t think I could do everything I want to do if I worked full time.

    11. Kate Daniels*

      I listen to audiobooks while making breakfast, cooking dinner, and cleaning around my apartment. I also live in a city, so I usually try to walk everywhere to get my errands done (grocery shopping, library visit, etc.), which helps me incorporate exercise into my day, and I always listen to audiobooks while going on those walks.

      I really enjoy watching soccer matches, basketball games, and other sports, but I’m able to easily fit in reading during lulls, timeouts, halftime, or commercial breaks. I have started pre-planning my evenings and intentionally blocking off a couple evenings each week (generally those nights when there is not a game I want to watch) where I don’t turn on the TV or pick up my iPad at all when I get home from work and instead get to dedicate four hours or so to just read a book, so I get through them quickly this way. Weekends are for more reading, more sports, and socializing (though I admit that I often have “low key” weekends without any socializing, as most of my friends and family don’t live in the same city).

      I work full time, but recognize my privilege as it pertains to having more free time in being child free and having a really short commute.

      1. bleh*

        Yeah, I work full time… but as an academic my schedule is very flexible except for teaching class and meetings. To make sure to exercise, which is necessary (for me) to burn off negative energy, we get up at 5:00am. The house is small, one partner (full time and also flexible schedule), no children or pets, and we have someone in once a month to do the heavy cleaning. We batch cook on weekends, but can afford to go out a few times a week. And we have gotten good at eating healthy even at restaurants by sharing things and ordering salads. Even with all of the advantages, sometimes things fall between the cracks. I have NO IDEA how people who must be at work to do work and be there for 60+ hours a week and or raise kids do anything else. It’s a crazy system we have built, and we wonder why people are depressed and tired.

    12. PowerRanger*

      Realistically we don’t need to exercise that much. More studies are showing exercising two or three days out of the week is enough.

      As for eating healthy, I batch cook meals and freeze leftovers. So I eat the same thing two or three days in the row.

      For cleaning, instead of doing it in one full swoop, try cleaning certain areas on certain days. Kitchen on Monday, Living room on Tuesday… ECT. Look up weekly cleaning plans for help. It’s also not the worse thing to have a messy house. Sometimes you have to prioritize things. Eating dinner with friends is doing laundry is ok.

      Try trying out your week as you did in school or work. Schedule in things you want to do. Even plan on lazy days where you don’t do anything.

      2. Jackalope*

        It depends. We may not be required to get that much exercise but I need some exercise each day for my own personal mental health. If I try to cut it out for more than a day or two in a row I get stir-crazy and fidgety like nobody’s business.

    13. Lilo*

      I have a kid and sometimes it just doesn’t. I lower my standards (clean things that are risky when uncleaned like the kitchen). Sometimes you get takeout.

    14. Teapot Translator*

      I think it’s impossible. I mean, we’re also supposed to get around 8 hours sleep. Personally, something will always be left undone.
      I work fulltime, study part-time and live alone.

    15. cat socks*

      I have a husband and five cats. I’ll address the cleaning first.

      I work from home on Thursdays and that is the day I vaccuum the downstairs areas and mop the kitchen floors. If I have time I’ll vacuum the upstairs too. Bathrooms get cleaned as needed.

      Each evening after dinner the dishes get done and kitchen counters wiped down. I don’t have a lot of stuff or clutter so I guess that helps with keeping the house clean.

      The stuff that’s hardest for me is cooking. I try to cook dinner during the weekdays but we’ll get takeout on the weekends. Sometimes that means getting McDonald’s or Burger King at 9 at night.

      Exercise is hard too. Still haven’t figured out how to incorporate that into my life.

      My main hobby is reading and I read books on my phone. I don’t have a lot of friends and don’t really have plans that take me out of the house other than going to church on Sundays.

      I do volunteer once a week after work.

      I guess I have a pretty boring life. I feel like I have cleaning the house under control,.but could definitely improve in other areas.

    16. Anon Librarian*

      You either double up or make trade-offs. You let the house get messy when you’re busy with work, hobbies or friends. You work out and cook with your friends or eat out with your friends. You clean the house for exercise. Most people understand. There’s the occasional person who gets upset and judgmental because your house is a mess while you work two jobs, volunteer and have impressive hobbies. Those are usually people who are in different circumstances, like they’ve always been able to afford to hire a cleaning person. Life is a mess. Do your best, and live it.

    17. 8doggies*

      Years ago I found a site that shows you how to prepare food for the week in a couple of hours on Sunday.
      Google: Chelle Stafford Sunday Food Prep
      It is amazing. She has everything going at once – oven, crockpot, stovetop.

      Other sources good for batch cooking are the “Well Fed” books.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Thank you for the recommendation! I’ll have to look this up. I’m currently working 35 hours a week, taking 12 credits at my law school, and have a minimum of a two-hour commute each day. I’ve tried batch cooking in the past, but we’ve ended up using a meal deliver service because I can’t do all the things.

    18. Ranon*

      Active commute solves daily exercise for me (the best reason to support walkable/bikeable neighborhoods and public transit imo), cooking on the weekends and eating leftovers during the week covers food, weekend chores spree with an every day evening pick-up and a partner who stays on top of the dishes keeps the house liveable (small space and lowish standards helps there), my hobby is active and social (so more exercise there), and “enjoying my weekends” mostly involves things that are active with family, things that are hobbies with friends, and chores that I like. The toddler has pretty much killed any desire to stay out late (not that I had much to begin with) so my weekend days start at 7/8 am rather than noon, which makes for a lot more weekend.

      Now, cramming in volunteering in there definitely means things are full, and the house isn’t perfectly clean, and I’m not doing everything I want to do, but short of retiring it’s not bad. Short commute with a grocery store on the way helps a bunch.

    19. MissDisplaced*

      You can’t!
      Most annoying to me is how the corporate world is pushing “wellness” and demand you exercise and be healthy employees… but still expect yo to fit that into your 12 hour daily work and commute schedule.

      1. Ariaflame*

        I must admit I didn’t follow the link, but the latest thing that our workplace threw at us was a ‘newsletter’ that was meant to help us. Though it was to a restricted site, and they only considered weeks later telling us how to access it. One of the phrases in the clickbait titles was something along the lines about how work-life balance was out, and ‘integration’ was in. I do NOT want to integrate my work into my personal life.

    20. Overeducated*

      I think a lot of people don’t manage to do all those things every day! Work is pretty much mandatory. Between leftovers and prepared foods my husband and I only do real cooking 3-4 days a week, and not every meal is that nutritious (lunches are a struggle for me). Same for exercise, we fit it into our commutes 3-4 days a week. I don’t have a lot of hobby time, which I do miss. Seeing family and friends is more spread out than it used to be because we’re all at a busier time of life, we schedule weekend get togethers pretty far in advance. I do not keep the house that clean, it’s more of a damage control situation. There are only so many hours in a day.

    21. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Reject the assumption that anybody manages to successfully accomplish all the things you’ve listed. Disbelieve Facebookers and Instagrammers who claim that they do — they are outsourcing some things, or they have some other kind of support.

      The only things that worked for me when I was a single mom in law school were extreme time management and lowering my expectations for how the house would look and the number of “non-essential” things I’d be able to do. Luckily, both law school and child-raising are time-limited experiences.

    22. Agnodike*

      I work full-time, am married, have a toddler, no pets. The way I get “everything” done is, first, carefully define what “everything” is, and second, time-track and reflect on where and how I want to spend my time.

      I have lists upon lists upon lists upon lists, because that’s the way my brain works. I made a list of everything I felt I should be getting done in a week, then reviewed it to figure out which activities were essential (brushing my teeth, laundry, time with my spouse, time with my kid, etc), which were on the B-list, i.e. stuff that’s really important to me but can be cut if needed (exercise, home-cooked meals, clean kitchen, hobbies), and the “in a perfect world” stuff (deep cleaning the fridge, reorganizing my craft supplies, a weekend away at the spa).

      Then everything gets sorted into “I’m doing this now and will keep doing it,” “I’m doing this now but spouse could be doing it,” “Nobody’s doing this and that should change” and “Nobody’s doing this and that’s just fine.” The time tracking piece is what deals with the “Nobody’s doing this and that should change” list, because knowing exactly where my time goes lets me identify what I could change. So if I feel like I’m not spending enough time with my spouse, I can look at what I’m doing more of than I really want to, and cut back on that. So I started getting up half an hour earlier in the mornings so we could have coffee together, instead of my previous morning wake-up routine, which was lying in bed and checking the news, etc. It’s not to say that one was a better use of my time than the other, just that I’d rather have coffee with my spouse than read the NYT briefing alone. I build in time for lots of downtime, too, because I need that to reset – I’m not willing to reduce my weekly Netflix or internet-browsing budgets, because I need those to reset my brain. So it’s not about trying to only do “productive” activities, it’s about figuring out whether you’re really doing the stuff you want and need or whether inertia is carrying the way you spend your time.

      Exercise is another good example. I’m not at a place in my life right now where I’m going to have two hours to go to a gym, or even an hour to go for a run by myself. So sometimes I take my toddler for a run on the weekend when we would otherwise be spending time together – I run back and forth around her while she chases me, which she thinks is hilarious – and sometimes I break up an hour of training into six ten-minute increments throughout the day, and do it at work.

      Basically, you have to figure out how much time you realistically do have (time tracking is an amazing tool for this) and then make a priorities list. Anything that’s not a priority doesn’t get done unless you have a sudden time windfall, you figure out where your time is going to make sure you’re spending it the way you want, and you try to stress as little as possible about things that are low-priority or an idea of what you “should” be doing.

    23. PB*

      In terms of a nutritious dinner, I’ll put in a heavy plug for A New Way to Dinner (https://food52.com/shop/products/3540-signed-copy-a-new-way-to-dinner-by-amanda-hesser-and-merrill-stubbs). This is one of my favorite cookbooks. It gives you 16 menus for dinners for four for an entire week. Each week includes a shopping list for a family of four (you’ll need to scale if your family is smaller or larger), recipes, and game plan. You do most of your cooking on Sunday (often 2-3 hours, but it also includes suggestions for shortcuts). When you get home, you can get a nutritious meal on the table with a few minutes of prep. It’s magical. I just finished a week of grilled pork and romesco, grilled squid and couscous salad, oil-poached tuna, summer pasta, and plum tart. Cooking time: about 2 hours!

    24. MigratingCoconuts*

      I don’t know how some people do it. If they do, I’m sure they are sleeping 2 hours a night. I was a single mom for a few years with 2 young children, then I was married, still working full time with 3 kids. I ended up assigning major chores for each day of the week. Monday: tidy upstairs (bedrooms), Tuesday: shopping, Wednesday: laundry. I saved tidying the downstairs (living, kitchen, guest bath) for Thursday and Friday. That way, my ‘guest’ areas were clean for the weekends, in case I had people over. (instead of tidying early in the week and then having to tidy again later in the week) Most of these things didn’t take more that half an hour or so. Doing a little everyday made me feel accomplished, and not so overwhelmed. I cooked quick, easy meals. I read in bed at night before I went to sleep. Helped me relax and also do something I love. I also lowered those standards society seems to put on women.

    25. Redhead in NY*

      Lots of coffee :) haha. I work full time, once in the evenings during the week (about an hour or two) and usually a couple hours between Saturday and Sunday to finish up things and get prepared for the week. I work out 4-5 times a week, make 90% of my own meals, and hang with friends once or twice a week. I still have time to read and hang with my dogs (and my husband, of course! who works from home so it’s easy to spend time with him).

      My secret is to just start doing something when I get home from work. I sit down for a minute to chill of course but then I’m getting ready for the gym or cooking or meeting up with people. Good habits are hard to start but if you really want to make a change, you can do it. It’ll take a good couple of months of daily consistent effort for it to become a habit.

      I always say to myself if I “don’t” have the time to do something that I really want to do, is it that I really don’t have the time or I’m just sitting on my bum scrolling on instagram? The answer is usually the latter and I put down my phone and start being productive.

      Most of my meal cooking is done on Sunday (I even make my dogs food… lol) and then once during the week.

    26. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I’m strongly considering getting a cleaner… I started therapy like 6 months ago, and I feel like I should drop to bi-weekly on therapy and spend the savings on a bi-weekly cleaner, and I’d get about the same mental health benefits :D Someone else mentioned a Roomba; we also have a robot vacuum and it really does help. We’re now building our lives around it, every new piece of furniture has to be off the ground enough for the vacuum to get under it and into all the corners.

      I don’t really read. :/ I mean, I read articles, and I read stuff on Twitter and whatnot, but it’s been hard to carve out time for books. I still have books I’m working on, it just takes a long time to get thru them.

      I hate cooking, too! I do a lot of slow cooker now, so we eat a lot of leftovers. It’s great.

      1. New Normal*

        I love our Roomba! It’s an older model (2013?) so doesn’t have all the features of the newer ones but it’s a great helper. My only issue is that it REALLY loves to play hide-and-seek. Also the cats love laying traps for it by pulling out shoelaces or other small items and putting them in its path. So I often feel like I’m trying to out-think both the roomba and the cats.

        It’s incredibly durable and I love that it’s designed to be user-serviceable. I’ve taken it apart several times (twice it managed to climb the plates and get into the cats’ wet food then a few other times either to change parts or free it from one of the traps) and it’s still doing great. It doesn’t replace a full-sized vacuum but it very much helps with those cat-fur tumbleweeds.

        1. Life is Good*

          I sooooo want one of these! We have a sheddy cat and dog. Does anyone have experience with these on long dog fur? We have a hand-vac that we use every now and then to pick up the pools of fur, but having a Roomba just keep those at bay would be heavenly.

          1. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

            There are ones that are specifically designed for pet fur! They seem to be really good for keeping pet fur at bay.

            1. School Psych*

              Yep. I just bought a Bissell robot vacuum that is specifically designed for pet hair and it did great on the pools of fur. I have one of those adorable, but sheds every time she breaths dogs.

    27. Texan In Exile*

      When I was single, I worked full time, exercised almost daily, spent time with my friends, volunteered, ate well, and had a clean house. I did have a cleaning lady once every three weeks. I also did not cook every day – I cooked on the weekends and put stuff in the freezer. I didn’t have a TV because if I had had one, I would have spent every single spare second watching. I have no self discipline in that regard.

    28. LibbyG*

      I have three things I want to do outside of teaching/admin work and basic life-management: writing, exercise, and music. Before I had kids, I could do 2 out of 3. When my kids were really little, it was pretty much zero out of 3. Now that they’re school age, and work stuff has gotten more in a groove, I’m back up to 2 out of 3.

    29. Jax*

      I’m single, and I hear you! Also, I am pretty much always trying to manage depression so I am and can stay functioning and well and independent. So the things I’m going to recommend might seem ridiculously basic but they’ve helped me tremendously.

      I no longer use all the plates/bowls/silverwear/cups I have or even the dishwasher. I bought a simple but nice-looking and sleek dish-drying rack and a drying mat to set it on. I constantly keep on it 1 small plate, 1 large plate, the dish I use to feed my pet, and 1 spoon, 1 fork, 1 butter knife, and 1 cutting knife. These are my favorite of each category

      1. Jax*

        Oh this posted, maybe that’s a sign I’m going on too long with just my first recommendation, so I will wrap this up. It is the prettiest large plate I have and like to look at on the rack; the cutting knife is the one I always default to for everything. I have one small and one large bowl I have selected for this too but I usually put those away after they dry; same with my coffee mug. (I have a large I think stainless steel thing that’s really meant to use in cars that keeps ice in ice form for 24+ hours that I drink water from all the time throughout my apartment.)

        It sounds so stupid but I did this to find a way to keep my kitchen clean — and it works. I use only those plates (unless I’m really making something major, which is rare) and clean them when I’m done and let them dry and store them right there. It somehow does not seem a chore to have just one plate and my utinsels to clean, right then. It’s impossible for the sink to pile up with a ton of dirty dishes, or even the dishwasher. It makes things fast. On my stove I keep my main frying pan, my main sauce pan, and another deep pan I use, right there and clean them and put them right back after I use them. I also have a large, pretty ceramic jug-like thing on my stove for the spatulas, scissors, can opener, whatever big things like that I need regularly. The cutting disk is on my sink. It’s made a world if difference in time, cleanliness, attractiveness, and somehow lifted a dreaded chore. I still have all the other plates and pans and baking tools etc but it’s amazing how I really only use a few things regularly.

    30. JDC*

      I haven’t ever found it all that difficult to get that all done. An infant soon will surely mix that up though. I meal prep on Sunday, clean as well. It amazes me how long it take some people to clean. My son takes an hour to do his bathroom. It takes me less than 10 mins. I think just doing it and not allowing yourself to get distracted is key.

    31. RoadsLady*

      Yesterday in a meeting this came up. We laughed and laughed. Ah, work-life balance. And this is a place that really promotes that.

      But the lady who has a side business as a cleaner says she can’t keep her own house clean.

      Right now I’m looking around my disastrous house.

    32. Aquawoman*

      For me, I incorporate exercise into my commute and my day (i.e., I take the bus to the metro, and have chosen a route that means I get a mile of walking total getting to and from work/climb the escalators, use the stairs) and do ten minutes of stretching at night. I prep most stuff for lunches on the weekend, and it really only takes maybe 15 minutes-half hour of hands-on time to prep a simple dinner from scratch. We do the dishes every night but for other stuff, we have someone come in once a month and then I spot clean but I never “clean the house” all at one time, I’ll wipe up or sweep the floor or do one or two tasks of 10-20 minutes total (or none). I don’t clean to some imaginary 50s-housewife sparkling standard but on a what’s-bugging-me standard. I also don’t wear makeup or spend a lot of time on my hair. I may be a high-energy person.

    33. Ann*

      Honestly? We throw money at the problem. We’re fortunate to be in a position to be able to do so.

      My husband works ~80 hours per week with a commute that can be up to 3-4 hours round trip. I’m a full-time student and I’m also chronically ill, which requires several hours of treatments per day. We have a toddler and pets. My husband doesn’t do much around the house because he’s so busy with work and commuting. I tidy up the house nightly and we have a house cleaner come every two weeks. For meals, we do a combination of Freshly and simple home-cooked meals, usually a sheet pan with fish or chicken + veggies + potatoes roasted at 425 for ~30 minutes. I don’t enjoy cooking so meal prepping on the weekends is not at all appealing.

      In terms of socializing, I see my friends at my school every day but we probably only get together outside of school about once a month. My husband doesn’t really have time for socializing outside of work. We both reserve weekends and evenings for family time, and try to save extra work and studying for after the toddler is asleep.

      We don’t really have time for hobbies or exercise. I do wish we exercised more (aside from chasing the toddler around) but instead I prioritize getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night, since when I get less than that I start to have flareups of my chronic illness.

      We’re super busy, but we’re keeping it together and it’s only for another two years until circumstances change.

    34. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      I do it all…but not at once. Some weekends I don’t socialize because I have too much Stuff To Do – cleaning, working on my side projects, cooking. Other weekends I party it up and maybe only eat sandwiches and frozen pizzas all week. After losing weight, I downsized my exercise routine to 2 times a week and leisurely walks. (When I was on a stealth weight loss routine, I probably exercised at the expense of some socializing and other career opportunities.) I also alternate which areas of the house I clean every Sunday, so I’m only spending 1-2 hours cleaning at once but my house still stays maintained.

      Idk…you just have to decide what you need/want most at any given time. You also have to allow yourself to be imperfect. Sometimes a frozen meal is better than no meal at all, even if it is not all Organic From Scratch.

      I’m also single w/ no family….I don’t even have a cat! It doesn’t help sometimes I feel like the thing I need to do most is…nothing, so that takes up a lot of my time.

    35. Clisby*

      Back when I was single, working full time at a newspaper at night, and attending school full time in the day:

      Exercise: I walked or biked to and from class, so 2-3 miles a day.
      Cleaning: I had pretty low standards for this, but also a small apartment so it wasn’t too hard.
      Cooking: I cooked a lot on Saturday or Sunday morning, and made/bought enough food for most of my meals for a week. This would be a lot harder to do if I were cooking for me and kids, but for one person I’d cook 2 main dishes (let’s say, a roast chicken and a small pot roast.) I’d then cook at least two sizeable batches of vegetables (green beans, potatoes, broccoli – something like that.) I’d make sure I had the makings for salad (lettuce, tomato, onion, cucumber, carrots, etc.), sandwiches, and breakfast. So, I’d make and eat breakfast; after I got out of classes for the day I’d eat my main meal (leftovers from the weekend cooking); and at work at night I’d eat a sandwich or salad (or both) brought from home. I rarely ate out.

    36. Lena Clare*

      Oh this has been such an amazing thread to read and I’ve really picked up loads of tips,thankyou, which I will bookmark an come back to later. In am attempt to have more work-life balance I went out today with a feriend for lunch then for a talk and tour of the Blackden Trust which is the old Medicine House that a local author lives in. It was a 2 hour round trip on top of that, so a big chunk of the day. i enojoyed it but I have a migraine now…ugh.

      I really liked what Agnodike said about:
      So it’s not about trying to only do “productive” activities, it’s about figuring out whether you’re really doing the stuff you want and need or whether inertia is carrying the way you spend your time.

      I am not on Facebook or Instagram. i am only on Twitter, but it affects my mood and I spend far too long on there, so I am thinking very sreiously about deleting my profile.
      I don’t think I have the disciplime to keep mysefl away from it and come back to it at a later date (like Texan in Exile with the TV!) I spend a lot of time watching Netflix, but I do like doing that so…

      I am cutting down to 4 days a week from October to fit in an MA, which I am excited about but I think I am going to have to really plan my time more carefully.
      No Twitter would probably help. I use the UfYH system of cleaning, and bouts of 20/10s seem to keep the place clean. Beleive me, I have fairly low standards already lol. It’s “just good enough for if a friend dropped by unannounced” clean.

      I cannot bike to work. I use my car to visit people as part of my job, so I can’t use public transport either, and I don’t like audiobooks because I am sensitive to noise. My commute is horrible, but it is only for the next 3 years and then I can get another job/work for myself at home. I try to go swimming at the weekend because I enjoy that.

      I defintely could shake up my routine with cookiking. I should be able to plan a week’s worth of food and then freeze it. Lunches are the hardest.

      So lots to think about. TYhanks so much. and I;’m sorry if there are loads of typos :)

    37. Koala dreams*

      I don’t get it done.

      I did read an interesting article some years ago about how we spend the same amount of time on chores despite the technical innovations. Take laundry, for example. Before washing machines, most people did their laundry quite selten. It simply wasn’t possible to have clean clothes every day. With the early machines, it wasn’t as automated as today and someone needed to check on it frequently. No wonder a family needed a full time adult to stay at home and do chores! Today, you just put in the clothes and press the button, then you can happily wander away. But the demands for clean clothes has increased. It seems unacceptable to wear the same clothes several days in a row, and so you fill the machine more often than you would have the early machine.

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        Well, and our clothing has changed. It used to be that people wore an entire layer of clothing that came between their dress or suit and their body. That layer was white cotton or linen, and it was made with flat buttons or strings, trimming of tucks and flat crocheted lace, and it was meant to be boiled and scrubbed. The wool or silk garments on top were meant to be aired, brushed, ironed, but never actually washed. The dyes weren’t fast, even. And people wore different clothes for different things. The dress you wore to make the beds and dust the house in was a simple garment of washable fabric. The dress you wore to go out to the butcher’s and greengrocer’s to find the makings of dinner was heavyweight wool. (Heavy wool like that can be dried and have the mud brushed off it, and aired to remove odd smells.) The pretty dress you wore after the work was done to sit in the parlor and read a book and look pretty was silk. We wear nearly the same clothes for everything.

        1. Ugh Laundry*

          thanks for this historical context! I never thought about laundry in that way before and that makes me feel less overwhelmed

    38. TechWorker*

      I don’t ;) the things that slide for me are: I mostly exercise at weekends (sometimes I get into good habits and exercise at lunch but it depends how busy I am at work whether I can get the time), we have a robot hoover (godsend) and dishwasher (not everyone does obviously, saves so much time). All the things I cook take 15-20min max

      1. bleh*

        Oh yeah, I deleted all social media in 2017. And I have stopped reading the news for the most part. It saves time and mental health.

    39. YetAnotherUsername*

      Check out the book 168 hours (I think it was someone on here who recommended it). It is a time mamagement book and includes time logs of people like a woman who runs a large business and has a lot of kids and still manages to go hiking and be in a book club. It’s all about using your time intentionally Rather than wasting it.

    40. Gatomon*

      I used to just spend my weekends cleaning, which… didn’t work. I wouldn’t get much done beyond laundry and vacuuming most times unless I dedicated hours to it, which sucks. I’m trying a new cleaning schedule since I recently moved and have doubled my living space:

      – Sundays: projects; various cleaning tasks for my animals; laundry day 2; prep garbage to go out
      – Mondays: garbage pickup day; floors, not necessarily all floors each week but I just vacuum/mop whatever area is worst
      – Tuesdays: toilets… clean the bowls and scrub the whole shebang once a month
      – Wednesdays: sinks/countertops
      – Thursdays: dust; declutter; vacuum soft furniture (I have a cat)
      – Fridays: weekly shopping and errands
      – Saturdays: showers/baths; laundry day 1

      So far it’s working pretty well. I don’t always get to each day’s tasks, but I think it’s okay if I miss something, since I’ll get to it next week! I aim to keep everything to 15 – 30 minutes worth of work on workdays, and I start on it right after I get home. If I get home later than 5:45 though, I won’t take it on. Oh, and I have a dishwasher so that makes dishes pretty easy, and the condo association does the lawn.

      1. Salymander*

        Breaking chores up by day is a good idea. I do that too, and so far I get more done. I split my chores up by doing a room each day. Monday is my bedroom, Tuesday is living room, Wednesday yard work and breadmaking, thursday kitchen (so I clean up all the flour from Wednesday), Friday is bathrooms, Saturday is office, Sunday more yard work. I do the stuff on the weekend that is less critical, so no big deal if I skip it to do something fun (or nothing!). I set the timer for however much time I want to spend, say 20-30 minutes, and I clean like mad until the time is up. If I have more time or energy that particular day, I can always do more. That way everything gets at least a bit of cleaning every week, and I don’t spend the whole weekend doing chores.

    41. Earthwalker*

      We’re a couple with no kids. It’s nearly as fast to cook for six or twelve as to cook for two, so I make a school lunch lady sized dinner for today with leftovers for tomorrow, and the rest goes into dinner-sized boxes in the freezer for those nights when I can’t face cooking. Even so, though, I could never do that plus work, commute, keep a Kondo-clean house, read, run errands, spend time with friends, exercise regularly, have healthful hobbies, and get a proper night’s sleep, even without kids. There might be enough hours but where’s the energy? I grit my teeth every time I see someone recommend that if one is burned out at work, the cure is to do every last one of those things at home.

    42. Alex*

      Each weekend, I want to: clean my house, cook, exercise, and work on my personal projects.

      I usually can succeed at 2-3 of these things. I try to switch up which ones I succeed at each weekend so that everything gets some attention sometimes. I try to make sure that cooking happens each weekend so I have food for the week!

      During the week, I work, exercise (I attend 2-3 classes regularly, and try to work out on my own an additional 2-3 times), and I work on my personal projects in the evening. So a normal day looks like getting up early, working out, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, working on projects, going to sleep. Rinse, repeat.

      I never socialize during the week except maybe 1 phone call to my best friend.

      I don’t have family really so that’s not an issue. I have a couple of local friends that I hang out with maybe once every 3-4 weeks. Sometimes I combine my socializing time with them with working on projects or exercising.

    43. Salymander*

      I put a recumbent stationary bike and a water rower in my living room, so I can do a little exercise here and there, and I pedal while reading, or watching TV with the family.
      Also, I make double and triple batches of things like soups and casseroles, then I freeze them in portions for one or two. I used to do that when at University, as I also worked full time and volunteered. I could come home exhausted, then pull dinner out of the freezer. It worked really well. I do something similar with cookie dough. Make a triple batches, then freeze in cookie sized blobs what I don’t immediately need. Then, when I need cookies for my kid’s class at the last minute (seems like it is always at the last minute), I don’t have to scramble to get it together at 11:00 the night before. Or, I can pull out a small container of cookie dough blobs on a Friday night when my kid has a friend sleeping over. I get to feel all super organized (I’m not, really. Not at all!) without expending much extra effort.

      Then again, I kinda feel like we mostly put too much pressure on ourselves to get everything done, to an impossible standard. It sucks to feel like I am failing at life. Especially because I don’t think I really am failing, it is just that the standards are really high up in fantasy land rather than down here on Earth.

    44. HBJ*

      A few things.

      First, there’s a concept I first heard from a homeschooling mom called the Minimum Viable Homeschooling Day. It’s figuring out the absolute minimum that needs to get done in a day to keep the education moving forward so that they will have learned an acceptable amount by the end of the year. I like adapting the Minimum Viable Day to regular life. What is the minimum to do to feel like I got something done? You don’t have to do everything every day.

      Second, when it comes to cleaning, we all hate that this is true, but it’s easiest to do a little every day. Make a chore chart. Vacuum on Monday, clean the bathroom on Tuesday, etc. Make the bed every day. Everything looks neater. Wash the dishes every day. Wash them after every meal, and if you can’t do that, at least rinse them. Have something nice looking – ottoman that opens, hat boxes, drawer in coffee table, wicker baskets in a bookshelf, etc. where you can toss that random stuff that accumulates on the couch or wherever and then go through it when you get a chance.

      Third, figure out quick meals you like and keep the ingredients on hand. On that topic, keep a notepad on hand to write down a shopping list. It does NOT work to try to remember on shopping day what you used up the last of cooking five days prior. And then meal plan so you have stuff on hand andout so you’re not defrosting meat last minute.

      Finally, plan ahead (for some things) what you want to do, and cut the tech. My husband and I would come home, sit on the couch and suddenly it was 7:30 with no dinner started and nothing done, not even a conversation. Our phones had just sucked the time away. I set a time limit now. First thing when I get on my phone (before unlocking it), I turn on a timer. I cannot use my phone more than 15 minutes at a stretch (looking at it – phone calls, listening to podcasts, etc. doesn’t count against that). I turn off notifications and only check social media twice a day. I went cold turkey doing that, no adjustment to slowly reduce my phone use. It was weird. I magically had so much more time in my day.

    45. smoke tree*

      I think it depends on your expectations and standards for each of these things. I save a lot of time cooking by cooking only once a week, but you have to be okay eating the same thing for multiple days in a row. I also live in a really small apartment so cleaning it doesn’t take a ton of my time. I also chose to live in a city where I can walk and bike everywhere instead of driving. But obviously these are choices that work for me and would be incompatible with other priorities. It’s kind of a question of prioritizing what really matters to you and what success in that area looks like to you.

    46. Gaia*

      I have a full time job, plus I do about 10 hours of “second job” a week. I am single without roommates or kids.

      For me it was all about finding out what was most important to me, what I could do while doing something else (exercise, Netflix, cleaning, cooking), and what absolutely requires dedicated time (maintaining relationships was this for me). Then, I found places where I was wasting time and where I could be more efficient. For example, I have a few shows I love to watch – but they were taking up a few hours each week. So now I watch them while I do a hobby or while I cook (I meal prep each week which saves me a TON of time and $$). I began cleaning as I go. Every time I leave a room, I tidy up a little (straighten cushions, wipe down a counter, etc) so that my weekly clean takes less than 30 minutes. I also got rid of a lot of things I don’t use which means there is less to clean.

      It is a lot of little things that led to me feeling much more in control.

    47. Washi*

      Huh. Until very recently, when I became a full time student, my husband and I worked full time, exercised regularly, cleaned, cooked, and saw friends/family 3-4 times per week, and it felt and continues to feel very normal! I think part of it is that these things double up – my husband and I spend quality time together exercising, often eat with friends, which reduces cooking, and I sometimes run errands with friends as well. We live in a 1-bedroom apartment, and I wipe down counters in the bathroom and kitchen daily, as well as sweep the floor almost daily, and that keeps things looking tidy in between bigger cleanings.

      I think the other factor here is that I have trained myself to enjoy cleaning. It’s a zen/mindfulness thing to me – I don’t multitask, and just really focus on the feeling of taking care of my possessions and space, and how grateful I am to have all these things.

      I don’t know how people do all of that with kids though! I want to have kids but am also very nervous about the wrench they will throw into my orderly and leisurely life.

      1. Agnodike*

        Life with kids is not orderly but it can be very leisurely in a refreshing kind of way. I spent 20 minutes following a butterfly around the neighbourhood with my kid this morning. Having to slow down to baby speed/adapt to the stop-and-go pace of a toddler is a great perspective resetter! Not for everyone, of course, but it’s been great for me since I’ve always been a bit of a control freak, and now I’m definitely more comfortable going with the flow.

        1. Washi*

          Aw, this is so sweet! Sometimes when I read parenting stuff online, it’s so specific and intense about the downsides (you’ll never sleep again! bodily fluids and crumbs everywhere! tantrums! no alone time!) and really vague about the upsides (it’s great! love my kid! can’t imagine life any other way!). Maybe on next week’s thread I’ll ask for specific, positive things about having kids.

          1. Agnodike*

            Listen, sometimes kids are just bedevilled by the spirit of Chaos for some reason and you end up sitting in a pool of Cheerios and snot tearing your hair out and weeping softly, but also they spend a lot of their time overflowing with joy that they just HAVE to share with you, or doing something hilarious, or having an unexpected moment of genuine kindness and compassion, or learning a new skill in a way that makes you really proud and also makes you see an everyday task in a new light, or a million other things that make parenting extremely rewarding.

            If you start that thread, I will post a million examples! Parenting is very very hard and tiring and also I love it very much.

    48. Goldfinch*

      We don’t. My husband and I are having almost-daily arguments about this. We can’t handle everything between work and family dementia care-taking, and he has a prideful blue-collar snobbery about hiring anything out.

      1. Goldfinch*

        ETA: also I think “cooking” is overrated. I eat healthy without making a production out of heating and plating up a main/side/veg. There’s nothing wrong with crudités and nuts for a meal.

    49. Warped One*

      Many years ago there was skit on Saturday Night Live where a perfect housewife was asked this question. She replied, “I take speed.”

      “That wonderful drug that you get from your doctor, and your sister’s doctor, and your best friend’s doctor, and your neighbor, and your neighbor’s best friend’s doctor, and…

    50. Formerly Known As*

      Was that my tweet you read? LOL. Because I tweeted something to that effect very recently.

      This is the great mystery of life that at 40 years old I’m still trying to figure out. I have a very demanding full-time job that often means I work 50 hours a week, working late and/or weekends. I’m single with no kids to take care of, but that also means there’s no partner at home to help out with chores and errands.

      I don’t manage very well. I basically work, come home and scrounge up dinner (often something frozen), maybe watch a little TV or try to read, and fall into bed. My house is a mess and generally stays that way. I can’t afford a housekeeper and would feel weird about someone being in my house anyway.

      I can barely manage to keep my kitchen stocked and keep up with the laundry, much less have a hobby or exercise. Weekends roll around, and I’m so exhausted I sleep or am trying to catch up on all the stuff I didn’t finish during the work week.

    51. londonedit*

      I don’t know…I think I manage it? I live by myself in a small flat, which I guess might help as I don’t have a lot of cleaning to do! I work 8:30-5pm and get home before 6, so I have time to pop to the shops in the evening on my way home. My usual weekday routine is home around 6pm, cook something simple and quick like stir-fried veg and microwave rice, do a quick tidy-up and maybe put a load of washing on if I need to, watch a bit of TV or read for a bit, have a bath, go to bed at about 10pm. Twice a week I get up early and run 5k with friends at 5:45am, so that helps get some exercise in, and once a week I do a Pilates class in the evening. I also run most Saturday and Sunday mornings. Most weekends I have something going on with friends, occasionally I’m out one or two evenings during the week too. Sunday afternoons are my usual cleaning/housework times, when I do the bigger jobs like cleaning the bathroom or washing the bedding or whatever.

    52. Liz*

      I struggle with this as well, and I am single too and no pets, so it’s just me and me alone. Which is good and bad. Good in that if something doesn’t get done, i.e. an errand, cleaning etc. it impacts no one but me. Bad in that there isn’t anyone, spouse, partner, kids to help out with “all the things” that need to get done, and its ALL on me alone. It’s taken me a while, but I’ve learned to relax and let more things go. I may or may not always eat healthy, I may or may not always manage exercise, I may or may not always manage to clean when things really need to be cleaned. And I don’t beat myself up about things that I don’t get done that may need to.

      I also sell on the side, on Poshmark, and other sites. But unlike many who do it full time, I do it when I can. So that too sometimes get pushed to the back burner. At the end of the day, whatever it is, will still be there tomorrow.

  2. Bilateralrope*

    Weird update for you. Last week I was looking for advice on mp3 players due to my current one being damaged.

    It doesn’t look damaged any more. The lines of dead pixels across the screen have come back to life.

    Can anyone explain this ?

    1. greenthumb*

      Great news! Did you power it off and leave it sit, by any chance? Sometimes depriving a piece of electronics of power for a while can do amazing things. If you hadn’t done a full shut down in a while, it may have needed one, and/or is it possible a software update downloaded in the background?

      1. Bilateralrope*

        They didn’t all come right suddenly. The black lines thinned over some time, with some pixels in the line going green before going fully back to normal. It might have been going a bit faster while it was charging.

    2. A.N. O'Nyme*

      In that case they probably weren’t dead pixels (those are unfixable to my knowledge) but for some reason not refreshing properly.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Electronic devices are psychic. It knew you were thinking about replacing it and pulled itself together.

      How else do you explain long, complicated Word documents behaving perfectly well right up until you try to print them or turn them in, at which point they magically turn into corrupted disasters?

      1. Bilateralrope*

        I have had computers that had problems that were probably due to age. Right up until the day after I ordered a replacement. Then they suddenly performed fine.

      2. Rebecca*

        That made me laugh!! Confession: I don’t have to type up too many actual letters any longer, mostly I use email and Excel, and I have crafted a “letter” in Excel because I dreaded trying to appease the Word Gods long enough to actually get a good printed document. It’s just too hard sometimes!! Especially if I have to add a graphic of some sort. “Oh, this looks good, let’s put this little picture right here.” Click. All of a sudden, extra pages, things are awry and it’s UNDO UNDO!!

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There’s a reason so many cultures had trickster gods–Loki, Coyote, and Anansi being three I can think of offhand.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Ha! If Clippy was an avatar of Anansi, does that make him a bug in the operating system?

    4. Anonomoose*

      Yup, dodgy contacts or wiring would cause this. It’s fine, but the odds are the little tiny connector for that row of pixels is not quite right. I’ve had a little luck fixing this on nothing left to lose devices with some gentle heat, but it equally might kill the device

      1. Bilateralrope*

        When you say gentle heat, how warm are you talking ?

        Because I know that batteries do heat up slightly while charging, and the line was coming right faster if I left it charging all day instead of just for an hour or so before work.

    6. SaraV*

      I have a friend whose job is to fix tech-y things, and she told me how at her work they have the saying PFM. Such as “How’d you get that machine working?” “PFM….Pure Effin’ Magic.”

  3. downunderer*

    I posted a few weeks back about my ill brother in Germany – just wanted to update as people’s comments and advice really helped at the time. My brother passed away Wednesday, fortunately a family member was able to get there hours before he died and spend good time with him and be there when he peacefully passed. Still navigating the German bureaucracy but I just wanted to pass on my thanks to those here that so kindly commented and gave advice.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m very sorry about your brother. I hope that the next few weeks are easy to navigate for you.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad though that his passing was peaceful and someone was there.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Very sorry for your loss. I am glad someone was there with him. I am glad you were able to find some help here, I love this Saturday forum as we see some amazing things here. This is a prime example.

    6. Myrin*

      I remember your original comment (I think I even replied? I’m not sure) and wanted to express my sincere condolences. I hope you’re taking good care of yourself. And please, if any further questions come up with time, don’t hesitate to ask here again! (I’m German and my grandma died two years ago, so I’m relatively familiar with all the going-ons surrounding death here.)

    8. Policy wonk*

      I ‘m sorry for your loss. The embassy in Germany should be able to help you with the bureaucracy. (unless your brother was military, in which case they will handle it.)

  4. greenthumb*

    PoGo thread. How is everyone doing with that painful new quest? If you managed to get the metal/psychic thing down, one of the things around the corner is not one not two but THREE excellent curveball throws *sobs*

    Moral being, you may not want to waste the Ponyta and big fire lava dudes you may earn in field research. Run from them so they will be in your saved rewards and you can knock ‘em off. I burned through mine yesterday trying to get a Spinda.

    1. KimberlyInOhio*

      I’m surpassingly lame and my Special research tab is all full of gym battles and raids, which I don’t do, and “Battle another Trainer in the Great League,” which I’ve never heard of. Thankfully, I still have one research section I can do with the Shadow Pokemon. But the other ones might just have to sit there forever. Can’t delete those like the Field research ones.

      1. Shiny alolan raichu*

        Some of the tasks you can do by just joining a raid then leaving, is that an option? You can use the free passes .

        Have you got any friends in the game? Once you’re ultra friends you can battle them from a distance. Go into your friends tab, click on a friend then battle instead of sending a gift. It’s by far the most reliable way to get sinnoh stones as a reward so you can get the last evolutions.

      2. greenthumb*

        If you’re my friend, I’m happy to battle! Great league is for pokecritters who are 1500CP or lower. It is fun to see the random half-forgotten Flygons and Furrets strut their stuff. Folks can battle at a distance when they hit ultra-friend status, which probably a number of folks here who friended each other before summer already are.

    2. Shiny alolan raichu*

      It took me like two full weeks to get the spinda from first getting the task and it wasn’t even shiny ;)

      I’m ok with the excellent curveballs. At least it’s not consecutive. I do feel like this special research is taking FOREVER. I burned through all the previous ones quite fast but it took ages to find the third whismuir, psychic/steel is taking ages and yeah it’ll take a little while for the excellent curveballs. hey ho.

      Got an ex raid this afternoon!! It’s been ages since my last one (January!) and I don’t even know what the boss is. Exciting times.

      1. greenthumb*

        Congrats on the Spinda. Seem to remember they were easier a while ago. Did it used to be 5 consecutive nice throws? As for psychic, Natu qualifies, figured that out after skipping a half-dozen of them. Found a whismur nest outside a movie theater, not sure if that was coincidence. I’ve been getting streaks of 3 or 4 great curves on gligars (no shiny yet) but did score a shiny alolan sandshrew thanks to an egg from an AAM friend.

        1. Shiny alolan raichu*

          Yeah it used to be something easy/at least in comparison. Natu has been getting me through the psychics, that’s the only one that’s been showing up regularly. Finally through that now. So jealous of shiny alolan sandshrew!

          1. greenthumb*

            Just checked. He is from Columbus, Ohio and looks like he’s assembled from igloo pieces with a blue glacier tummy!

    3. LGC*

      Hey, I mean Wailmers still exist for your excellent curveball needs…

      (depending on your location! Like, I know in Jersey City, there’s a ton of them on the Walkway just south of Hoboken Terminal.)

      I’m still getting back into things. Need to make a few friends, though! (This is how far behind I am on my special research.)

        1. LGC*

          I might have a long commute, but I try to make it fun!

          But seriously though, if you have any large rivers close by (or you live by an ocean), they’re really easy to get excellent throws on.

      2. Shiny alolan raichu*

        I’m in the UK so that’s a bit far to travel for wailmers, haha. There used to be a nest next to my bus stop, it was ace. Not seen any for weeks now.

    4. Book Lover*

      I am waiting for spinning two more days. I think I got the excellents just in the course of regular throws – a week is a good amount of time and stuff happens by happy accident sometimes :)

    5. GingerNinge11*

      I’m still stuck on step two because it’s taking me ages to get enough candy to evolve my Feebas :(

      1. greenthumb*

        Have you had any luck collecting and hatching 10k eggs? A good quarter of the ones I’ve hatched this week have Feebases (Feebasi? Feebi?) and the candy drop seems higher than usual. Not sure if that is because I’m on an island and most of my stops are within a couple miles of ocean?

        1. Shiny alolan raichu*

          I’ve not hatched a single feebas this week! I’ve got plenty of candy though (sorry).

    6. MinotJ*

      I’m okay with all parts of various quests – except for trading. Most people in my day-to-day life would be amazed that I play Pokémon Go, and I’m soooooo embarrassed of my habit. When I finally managed to trade with one discreet coworker for an earlier quest, she laughed her butt off because I’d secretly gotten to the mid-30’s.

      This also causes a problem with raids. Sometimes I can sneak into a multiple-person raid when I’m at a big airport, but otherwise I’m stuck with raids level 3 or below.

      I found a YouTube video that showed how to properly throw curveballs. Now every ball I throw is a curveball and my accuracy has really improved. I probably get a few excellent curveball throws per week now.

      And a big “Thank You!” To AAM friends who battled me from a distance!

      1. greenthumb*

        Love it. I am a raid-sneak too. Finally soloed an alolan Raichu last week. Ouch.

        I have an ultra friend on my island (don’t know her IRL) and she sent me an ex raid invite. I reciprocated when I got one. I could tell by a gift that evening that she was in the area for the raid, but we didn’t end up on the same team.

        How are you getting the long- distance PvP battling to work? I’ve clicked on a few friends who have the blue halo but nothing happens…

      2. Cruciatus*

        I say own it! I was a little embarrassed at first, but on my lunch breaks it gets me out and about. I’ve actually met some coworkers that work in other departments because of playing (it’s always obvious who is playing based on how they are standing (at a gym or a Pokestop). We try to help each other out when we can (like not knocking them out of a gym right away, but kicking them out the next day so they can just get their 50 coins), and trades, and battles. Some coworkers roll their eyes when they hear me and another coworker talking about the game (I mean, it does sound ridiculous. “I have a lot of eggs to hatch and I can’t afford more incubators and I got kicked out of a gym, but I had some good raids today, but I never get anything shiny!”) but the game gets me walking during lunch, during the weekends, etc. It’s the longest I’ve ever played any game! I’ve even hesitated starting to play the Harry Potter version because I don’t want to stop the progress I’ve made!

        Maybe search for groups that play locally on Discord? I am in a local group and actually one for the larger city nearby. People post questions and get answers from a lot of the players that are more experienced, they post when and where they’ll be raiding and just other useful game information. It’s likely that’s true where you live as well. My game has improved a lot just reading some of the conversations people have, and just discovering tricks like typing 4* in the search window on the Pokemon bag will show you all your perfect Pokemon, or you can just search shiny, or steel, or electric, etc. Just stuff like that.

        1. Shiny alolan raichu*

          +1 on all this. Why be ashamed?! I posted on our wellbeing Yammer group to see if anyone played – exercise, fresh air, social contact, it’s totally a wellbeing thing. Now I have another 6 friends or so which is getting me xp as we level up and it’s other people to send gifts to and chat to about it.

      3. Shiny alolan raichu*

        YMMV, but where I live if you turn up in the city centre at the time a raid egg hatches, you will 95% of the time be able to win the raid as there will be plenty of people there.

    7. Short Time Lurker Komo*

      There’s something called ‘circle lock’ that helps you keep the circle in place so you know where it is. I haven’t researched how to do it yet, but saw it mentioned on my PoGo Discord.

      Speaking of – there are TONS of PoGo Discords out there! I’m in one that has bots to help report raids (people still have to report, but it’s fairly automated), wild spawns of rarer pokemon, and special research! They also have channels to facilitate friend codes and trading. I found it via the Facebook group for my cjty.

    8. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      We went on vacation last week, and whenever we went through a town I have would turn it on to get my spins. Funny, I turned on on a lark while we were hiking one of the trails in Avenue of the Giants and the whole trail was mapped out in PoGo! There were even a couple of Pokestops! But as soon as we left the trail, no more internet! It was odd. We figured that there was a cell tower bidding in the trees.

      1. Susan S. Helit*

        Hi all!

        I just started playing again after a looong break and I’m looking for some friends. My friend code is:

        4525 1737 2658

        Feel free to add me :)

    9. Shiny alolan raichu*

      OH MY GOD I’ve had the most successful day.
      -Did an ex raid and caught speed deoxys (only defence type still to catch and they’re coming to normal raids soon)
      -hatched a second unown and nearly died of excitement
      -caught a shiny sentret
      -hatched a shiny lapras (so excited I nearly peed)
      -hatched a 100% snorunt
      -and hatched a riolu so finally evolved lucario

      And a load of team go rocket pokéstops and loads of gym possession and just wow. Also level 39 and on 4,865,146XP so getting so very close to level 40!!

      I have to say I spent £11 on the game so I could get the big box with all the incubators. I didn’t have unown before this week and now I have two (U and A). 65 eggs I’ve hatched this week!! Ridiculous.

      2. Shiny alolan raichu*

        My weekend got even better. Hatched a third unown and leveled up to level 40. My only problem now is that with all the items you get for getting to level 40 I’m 100 items over my box limit and can’t spin pokéstops any more. Oh how I laughed.

    10. greenthumb*

      Reporting back to say I got my Spinda the old-fashioned way, by dodging the grazers in Costco and going Remoraid-Houndor-Houndor-Houndor-stockpiled Ponyta with red balls and no berries. Then when I went to admire it at home, thought I’d mistaken it for a Sentret and dumped it. Turned out I’d stockpiled it for curveball excellent attempt tomorrow.

      Also so apparently Nincadas (Nincadi?) are in 10k eggs?

      1. greenthumb*

        We work for the Professor, measure our walks/bikes/runs in KM, and get incredibly enthralled with our pocket monsters.

    12. Julia*

      Thank you for the warning! I am almost done with the 50 psychic or steel types and incidentally just picked up two “make three excellent throws in a row” tasks (one slot has to stay open so I can complete something each day), and now I’ll wait to attempt those until I reach the next stage of the special research. Oh boy…

    13. Shiny alolan raichu*

      Don’t forget to get all the 10k eggs you can before 1pm PDT tomorrow if you want a chance of unown.

      1. greenthumb*

        This.

        But the wording is muddy. It could be read as the eggs have to *hatch* by then to be Unown. I filled up on 10k eggs and am gonna try to get them walked without spinning anything until 10 am so just in case the 10s have to hatch and the 7s won’t morph into regionals until the cutover, it’ll work.

        Also, forgot how much fun Gligars are to hunt. Managed to knock off the excellent curves with them and a Sentret.

    1. Catherine*

      In summer it’s absolutely warm enough for me, though I use it over a sheet anyway since it’s a pain to clean. (Disclaimer: It gets very hot in the summer here and I’m too cheap to cool my apartment below 25C.)
      In winter, it’s perfect on top of a thick comforter.

      1. Fran*

        Thanks. I just received mine and had a quick nap. It seems warm enough but where I live gets really cold on the winter so later I might add a regular blanket.

    2. Tess*

      I use my weighted blanket year round. On top of another blanket – even a thin coverlet in summer – it can get quite warm. In the winter atop a thick comforter it can get VERY warm. I’ve never tried sleeping directly under the weighted blanket, so I can’t speak to that. For reference, I’m a woman who is almost always cold and am quite petite. If I find it this warm, I suspect many people would find it intolerable. My boyfriend often gets too hot and has to remove the weighted blanket.

      1. Numbersgirl*

        I bought a Cool ax weighted blanket and it was way too warm for me with just the sheet. I love the concept, but I can’t be waking up in a puddle. :(

    3. A Simple Narwhal*

      It is! I have an empty duvet cover on top, but that’s mostly for aesthetic purposes.

      Granted I’ve only had mine during the summer months but I like to keep it at arctic temperatures to sleep, so hopefully that means it will be warm enough in winter too.

      My weighted blanket is also cooling/breathable – my husband gets really hot (I apparently give off a lot of heat too when I sleep which doesn’t help) but he doesn’t kick the blanket off like he did with a regular comforter.

    4. Mid*

      Right now I have mine and a sheet. I also made sure to get one that was 100% cotton when helps ensure I don’t overheat. I have so many blankets that I’m not worried about winter at all

      1. Doctor is In*

        I found I liked just a sheet between me and the weighted blanket,otherwise it did not feel as “heavy” to me. Then add more layers as needed in cool weather. It did not make me too hot; mine is cotton.

    5. LilySparrow*

      I haven’t been able to use mine as much as I wanted because it’s too hot. But it came with a heavier slipcover on. I actually just took it off today, so hopefully it will be more comfortable tonight.

      I have the fabric for a lightweight cover, just too many projects in the queue.

      Mine is mini glass beds, BTW.

    6. Alexandra Lynch*

      Mine is warm enough if I wear clothing to bed. But we are upstairs in a house with efficient central heating. (grin)
      As it gets towards winter, we may switch out for a duvet cover that has some insulative capacity.

      We don’t use ours with sheets because that got really annoying to cope with when we were using regular bedding, since we each had our own pile. There are cotton covers on the blankets, and I have extras; once a week I change the bottom sheet, and change the covers, and wash the covers with the sheets. The weighted blankets themselves hang over chairs and couches to air out, and then get fresh covers put on them. We have a decorative quilt that goes on the bed in the daytime for pretty.

    7. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      I find mine a little too warm, actually — I have a Gravity blanket, and along with the weights it’s got a fair bit of batting in it. Definitely too warm in the summer, slightly too warm in the winter.

  6. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Still mostly fanfiction for me, but I should have more time next week to work on my main projects again.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m on fanfiction as well at the moment as I’m toying with an idea for a novel and doing some basic research on the topic, so I’m not writing anything original at the moment.

    2. poetry writing*

      They just announced masterclasses with some of my favorite poets this fall. You have to apply and I am working hard to not psych myself out and apply anyway because there is nothing to lose (the application is free even, even if the class itself is not). Nothing I’ve written seems good enough but then I think other people have liked and said good things about some of my poems. Have to keep those negative voices out.

    3. Hazy days*

      Great! I’m pulling together some of my poems into a short and focused collection – very interesting to look at my poems as a body of work, see where there’s overlap, what’s distinctive, how I tell a story of progression across multiple poems, and so on.

    4. the curator*

      Thank you for this thread. Its great to check in. Took the weekend off of everything. Had a four hour nap today. Academic article that I had been working on the last four weekends turned in. Waiting for editorial comments. Published book ready, will work on marketing stuff next week. https://www.lib.umn.edu/publishing/writingboxes

  7. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    I’m almost done with Child of Light, I think. It really is such a charming, beautiful game.
    And because this has come up a few times: yes, phone games count too. So if you want to share how you *finally* got past that one difficult level in Candy Crush or something, feel free! There’s no judging here, and gatekeeping is bovine fecal matter anyway.

    1. Angwyshaunce*

      I’ve decided to put games on hold so I could pursue a longtime passion of mine – game programming.

      This week, I finished developing my first “practice” game. Then I played it for a while!

      So in answer to your question, a crappy little game called “Money Hou$e”. lol

    2. Lonely Aussie*

      I’ve started playing WoW classic with a few mates from my MC server, it’s been a bit of a learning curve. I’m loving the fact you don’t lose your stuff if you aren’t quick enough to get back to it. Not super great at fighting but we’ve working our way through the quests.
      Also got a few rounds of PUBG in with another server mate. I missed playing in the hype (potato laptop had no chance of running it) of it when it was released and normally fps don’t interest me but I’ve been enjoying it. Totally suck at it, managed to get a kill in last night though (the fact I was slain 3 seconds later doesn’t count lol) which was awesome.
      Need to get some work in on the MC server, just lacking motivation, one of the farms I built in an earlier release is broken as all hell and I’m not sure if it’s fixable. Looks like 1.15 is coming soonish so not sure it’s worth rushing into a fix, especially as most of us are WoWing.

    3. Rebecca*

      I am so low level in the gaming world :) I play Candy Crush (level 2150’ish) and Farm Heroes Saga (level 1060’ish). I sign in daily and stock up on boosters if I’m on an especially hard level (for me) and if I get really frustrated, I use The Google to see what others have done to get past. I don’t buy too many boosters, and limit my spending to one purchase per month under $5. Confession: the sheep baa’ing in Farm Heroes Saga makes me smile!

    4. A Simple Narwhal*

      I’m back into Hyrule Warriors again. I really love doing the adventure maps, there’s something really satisfying to me to unlock all of the pieces of the maps and earn all of the upgrades/weapons/rewards.

    5. Nicki Name*

      I’ve made a lot of progress in Sunless Skies, including finding a new and interesting way to lose a captain, and I finally got to try out Pathfinder 2nd Edition.

      This week I formally accepted an offer with a new job, so I’m counting the days until I allow myself to get a Nintendo Switch as a reward (it’ll be with my first paycheck). Since it’s going to include a significant raise, I’m going to splurge and get the full Switch instead of the Lite. Even though everything I’m likely to get will probably be fine in handheld mode, it’ll be nice to sit in a different posture sometimes.

        1. Nicki Name*

          I’ve had a lot more fun with Sunless Skies— it felt like I never made any long-term forward progress in Sunless Seas. It’s nice to see the occasional callbacks to Seas though.

          1. Blue Horizon*

            Hmm. This makes me think I should try Skies sometime. I liked a lot of things about Sunless Sea but was put off by the issue you mention.

            1. Nicki Name*

              The inheritance mechanic is a LOT more forgiving in Skies. Every time I’ve lost a captain (3 now), I’ve gotten to keep my upgraded engine, most of my equipment, all of my current map, and about half my money.

              The messages when it happens suggest that there is a chance of losing the engine, the map, etc. but it’s not at all like Sea where you could only pick one thing to keep.

              1. Blue Horizon*

                I actually had no issue with the difficulty level in Seas as I’m pretty used to the roguelike play style where early characters are disposable and the main advancement mechanism is knowledge and information (in fact I tended to start over from the beginning if I hadn’t played in a while, because it made the game more interesting).

                My main problem was that it was two games in one: a large collection of interrelated interactive text stories, and a graphical exploration game about going from point A to point B (with a bit of combat thrown in on occasion). I got tired of the second game much quicker than the first, but you couldn’t complete the first without playing the steam-from-A-to-B game a LOT in order to visit all the points required in the correct order. I ended up wishing I’d been able to play just the steam-from-A-to-B game for maybe 10-20 hours until I got tired of it, and do all the rest in Fallen London style text browser game format. Essentially I liked all the parts but I didn’t feel they fit together properly.

                2. Blue Horizon*

                  Thanks. I’ll keep an eye on it anyway (sometimes steaming through the dark in ‘Sea’ and listening to the different musical themes phase in and out along the way could be just the thing) but I’ll probably be selective about when I get it and how long I play it for, if I do.

                  I remember they had problems during early development for ‘Sea’ because people would go out and explore, get killed, think ‘oh, I guess I shouldn’t have done that’ and play more cautiously the next time. Then they’d get trapped in repetitive low-risk play styles (like Tomb Colonies passenger runs) that barely covered expenses, get disillusioned, decide the game was too hard, and quit. In fact there were about half a dozen highly rewarding puzzles and storylets that could be completed within the first hour or so once you knew about them. Discovering those and figuring out how to complete them was risky and involved longer voyages and typically a few deaths, but once you’d done it you had access to an instant jump-start for all subsequent captains, and could eventually skip much of the early bootstrapping phase entirely. They added the splash screen text about taking risks to try and encourage people to adopt that play style, but I don’t think it was universally successful.

    6. CatCat*

      I am replaying Red Dead Redemption 2. The first time, I played Arthur as a good guy (or, as good a guy as he can be). And now I’m not playing him as a really bad guy. He’s just the worst.

    7. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      Been playing State of Decay lately! Trying out the Dread and Nightmare difficulty levels. I play with my partner, usually, in co-op, but weirdly I’ve found that the Nightmare mode is just not much fun in co-op! It’s brutal, and there’s pretty much no point in making any noise at all, so to me the fun way to play is full stealth. Which, like, that’s not the way I’ve ever played SoD before. But stealth is just not as fun in co-op!

      I played solo for the first time and spent like an hour trying to loot one particular store because I really needed food, but the door was jammed (which means you have to break in, which makes noise) and there were like 2 herds nearby, so I ended up breaking open the door and immediately running away, but then some ferals were on me and I wound up climbing a nearby water tower… anyway, stuff that I found fun and satisfying, but if I’d been playing with my guy, we probably would have ended up trying to fight the herds, might have killed a couple of our characters, or the plan would have gone wrong because one of us idly shoots the wrong zombie because we’re waiting for the other one to finish doing some random thing, etc etc.

    8. Nessun*

      Super excited for the next story release for Guild Wars 2! Looking forward to next weekend – got a 3 day weekend and it drops on Tuesday. In the meantime, trying to figure out what gear to craft next.

    9. Platypus Enthusiast*

      I’m thinking about playing through fire emblem three houses again, but hesitating, because I’d be choosing a different house which makes me feel like I’ll be abandoning all the people from my previous house? I’ve gotten too emotionally attached!

    10. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Merge Dragons is my addiction. Still playing PoGo, but just enough to get/send gifts & hatch eggs.

      1. Nessun*

        Oh MD is annoying!! I play and play and then there’s no more land but I need more dragons! I spend way too much time on the events, trying to get more eggs – I hit a point where it’s just a slog for more energy to open more land and farm dead plants… Yeah, addicted.

        1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

          Nessum,
          Omg, right? I absolutly HATED the merge 5 combo a few events ago. It was really laggy and difficult. The regular merge 5 camp events are easy peasy, as that’s what I try to do anyway. I was really happy when they updated it that you would get credit for 10, 20, 25 etc!
          I totally don’t ever play in the middle of the night when I wake up to go pee.
          Nope.

          1. Nessun*

            I think the events in big worlds
            outside camp are designed as a cash grab…they require spending money to open some areas so I leave those parts alone. But that means the best I’ll get is award 5 (maybe 6, if I hustle and have no other weekend plans!).

    12. CherryScary*

      Fire Emblem Three Houses! Just got to the time skip this week (Blue Lions route) and I have All The Feelings about a character who has been declared dead (but offscreen death, so hoping he’s not officially gone…)

      I’ve never gotten very far in a fire emblem game before, but the cast of this one has been quite charming to keep me going. Playing on casual because I’m not a very good tactician.

      1. Platypus Enthusiast*

        I played Golden Deer first, but Blue Lions is what I’m planning on doing for my second run through. I don’t know who you selected to enter the dance contest, but if you didn’t select Dmitri- look up the dialogue. You will not regret it. I saw it on Twitter and quite literally choked on my coffee while laughing.

    13. Jackalope*

      My husband got me hooked on Skyrim after many years of not gaming. (Slightly mixed feelings bcs I enjoyed the free time I had when not gaming but it is indeed fun.) Some friends of his had given him a longterm loan of their PlayStation and the game so I started on that but it was having a lot of issues (getting to the point where it would freeze up every 15-20 min, if I went into the water at ALL it would freeze every time, etc.), so wasn’t able to finish. He got a shiny new version for me a few months ago and so I am trying to a) get back to where I had been in game 1, and b) try some of the quests I passed by the first time (or just couldn’t do bcs they involved water; see above). Yesterday I spent a pleasant hour or so wandering around the Morthal countryside looking for plants and also finding all sorts of other fun things too. Today I completed a couple of quests and did some nice leveling up, plus found some of the word walls for my favorite Shouts.

    14. Julia*

      I’ve been “playing” the Sims 4 again – I tend to play in waves and then stop for a while – and have finally mostly completed my reasonably sized penthouse to fit my likes. Now I’m stuck trying to make a turtle-shaped beach house, and the game is glitching on me. Wondering whether to get the new game pack, which might entice me to actually play instead of just build lol.

    1. valentine*

      why would I need your pronouns for emails?
      It’s a great way to let people know before you interact and you may need to refer to them in the email chain. The honorifics don’t express gender.

  9. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    I finished A Constellation of Vital Phenomena by Anthony Marra and We by Yevgeny Zamyatin, and, right now I’m reading I Await the Devil’s Coming by Mary MacLane.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve switched between three books in the last couple weeks and it’s annoying me, because I can’t get into any of them. My favorite authors don’t have any new books at the moment, so I’m stuck trying out random books, either through Kindle Unlimited or the library.

      I started out with Hard Hit by JB Turner (it’s a series and I’ve read the other books). Then I switched to Recursion by Blake Crouch. Then I was reading Murder by Misrule by Anne Castle. Last night I finally went back to Hard Hit. It’s not a spectacular series, but it’s good enough that I can get through it and be mostly interested.

      I think it’s time to visit my Good Reads list and pick something from there.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’ve never had luck at my local library. It seems to be lots of self-help books, outdated cookbooks, etc. These days I read everything electronically anyway so I stopped going.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      I’m reading The Egg and I by Betty MacDonald, which is funnier and FAR more racist than I was led to believe. I think I’ll finish it off and then I have a couple spooky fall books lined up.

      2. fposte*

        I was just talking about that book to somebody; we both had read it young and we remembered racism but not how much. I like a lot of mid-century humor (Jean Kerr set my tastes early on) and also good rural life tales (I want to go back to read The Hills Is Lonely sometime), but it does tend to contain poison pills.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          It’s a bit of a pain, because I really do love the style and feel of a lot of pre-turn of the century to midcentury books, but the racism can sometimes just smack you in the face, you know?

    3. PowerRanger*

      Journey to the Center of the Earth. I read it as a teenager. I can’t believe the amount of science and languages he included in it. It’s amazing.

    4. cat socks*

      Currently reading The Summer Country by Lauren Willig. Pretty good so far. It takes place in Barbados in the 1800s. I visited Barbados last year so I recognize some of the places mentioned.

      Also I’m trying the Libby app for the first time, but not sure if I like it. I might go back to Overdrive.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Finishing The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemison. Very good, and I highly recommend her short story collection How Long ‘Til Black Future Month to anyone looking to check out a new sci fi/fantasy author. Her purgatory of people in little resetting isolated timeline boxes still haunts me.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        Are you me?

        Listened to Black Futures Month a few months ago and enjoyed it enough to listen to The Fifth Season on a recent vacation. I liked it a lot except I was disappointed that The Fifth Season ended unresolved. Or Now that I think about it, the main storyline (there were 3) was unresolved, but it was well written and engaging so I will be back for book 2 and probably 3.

    7. A Simple Narwhal*

      I’m halfway through the fourth Dark Tower book by Stephen King. I’m really into the story and the characters but I know everything is going to go wrong so it’s also stressful waiting for that shoe to drop ha.

      1. MMB*

        My son and I read the series together when he was in highschool. Ten years later he still has not forgiven me or Stephen King for the ending!

    8. StellaBella*

      Will Storr’s book, “The Heretics: Adventures with the Enemies of Science”. It is LOL funny in parts and maddening and interesting.

    9. Rebecca*

      I just started Sleeping Beauties on audio last night while mowing the lawn. Already hooked, and I’m going to investigate Hugh Howey further after reading the Wool Omnibus. And waiting patiently for The Testaments.

    10. Joie De Vivre*

      Not reading exactly –

      but people in the Dallas/Fort Worth area – Jojo Moyes, author of Me Before You, is going to be at the North Richland Hills library Wednesday, Oct 16.

      I read her book based on recommendations from people in this group. It was really good & thought provoking.

    11. Pumpkineater*

      I’m read an Advanced Readers Copy of The Rules for Vanishing by Kate Alice Marshall. It’s a nicely creepy ghost story, very Blair Witch Project vibes. I’ve been slow to read it as it releases at the end of September and I was supposed to finish it and post my review a week ago so I’m quickly catching up. It’s a great read so far and I definitely recommend anyone looking for a spooky read this October to pick it up.

    12. Jaid*

      Just finished a Chinese danmei, The Legendary Master’s Wife. 700 plus chapters online. It’s a fun fantasy read.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It was fundraising sale at our local library… I am forcing myself to finish Dracula before I can dive into my HG Wells collection. I also picked up the Lord of the Rings audio book set so I will be commuting with Tolkien soon.

    14. Zephy*

      I’m revisiting the Foundation trilogy this week. I’m about 40% of the way through Foundation; I have the omnibus edition that has Foundation, Foundation and Empire, and Second Foundation in a single volume.

      I like reading old scifi like Asimov, but sometimes there are just lines that upset my Delicate Feminist Sensibilities ™ and take me out of the story for a minute. Like an early exchange in the first chapter of Foundation, where a character is asked how many people belong to a group he has formed, the answer he gives is orders of magnitude off from what the asker suggests, and the rebuttal to that is “I believe you are counting women and children.” Because those aren’t people, obviously. /s

      If you have any recommendations for scifi works or authors in a similar vein that write women as people, I’m all ears. Bonus points if the authors are in fact themselves women.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I haven’t actually read any of her work yet, though I do have The Dispossessed and Earthsea on my shelf, but Ursula K. Le Guin is the first sci-fi author that jumps to my mind to fulfil your criteria. Octavia E. Butler is also very good – I loved Kindred by her. It was just so good.

        The problem with old scifi is that it very much doesn’t write women well. Even Ray Bradbury, whose short stories I enjoy, doesn’t write them well.

        1. Zephy*

          I’ve dipped my toe into LeGuin before, I just hadn’t gotten around to giving her a proper look. Guess I have to, now. Butler, too.

          And yeah, I know I’m going to have a hard time with most 20th-century-and-older fiction of any flavor, science or otherwise. Like, I love Lord of the Rings, I’ve read it multiple times. There are three entire women in the whole 1200-page affair. Thankfully there aren’t multi-page tirades about how inferior women are whenever one of them is on screen, but they also don’t do much? Like, okay, Eowyn gets the drop on the Witch King. That’s it, that’s the one cool thing someone without a penis gets to do in these books, and even then, Merry helps.

          1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

            Hey, Lobelia Sacksville-Baggins totally attacked a guy with her umbrella! She lost, but that was still cool. I have a weird fondness for her.

      2. Just a Guy in A Cube*

        From that era, you’re going to get more short stories – James Tiptree Jr/Alice Sheldon is a name to look for, and the VanderMeer’s Sisters of the Revolution is a good recent anthology.

        The trouble with “like Asimov but where women are people” is that my recollection is even his men aren’t that fleshed out – to the extent that you’re looking for ideas but not characters (which I do love – and Hal Clement’s Heavy Planet is my go to comfort read of that genre, but it’s also entirely male), more recent SF beers away from that. Ann Leckie’s Ancillary Justice trilogy is pretty high concept & might be up your alley. Nisi Shawl’s Everfair is Steampunk and the era is the Belgian Congo, but a nice mix of characters & ideas. Becky Chambers’ Wayfarer series (Starting with “A Closed And Common Orbit”) is space opera heavy on character & feelings. Also definitely take a look at Mary Robinette Kowal’s Lady Astronaut books … started with a Short story, then I think a couple novellas in the same universe, and the first full novel in the series just won the Hugo.

      3. Jackalope*

        Okay, how old-time sci-fi are you looking for? Elizabeth Moon and Lois McMaster Bujold both have some pretty good sci-fi series (they also have fantasy which I personally like better but may not be your thing, and EMoon has a few stand alone sci-fi books as well – I really liked Remnant Population in particular, and the protagonist is a woman). Barbary by Vonda McIntyre was my gateway drug into sci-fi and I still like it. (She has some other good stuff too.) AC Crispin founded the Starbridge series, of which I greatly enjoyed the first 5 books (only the first book was written by her; the others had different authors, and books 6 & 7, which I where I think the series ended, were pretty meh in my mind). Zenna Henderson’s novels of The People (a race of human-like aliens that landed on Earth) is good, although the conflict tends to be wrapped up too quickly. The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers is lovely and innovative, although very modern in its sensibilities. Sharon Shinn mostly writes romantic fantasy novels but she has a few crossover books that are sci-fi (Wrapt in Crystal and Jenna Starborn come to mind).

        Okay, that’s a lot; hope that gives you some ideas. All of the above authors are women and the majority have female protagonists in some or all of their books.

        (I give a shoutout as well to Alexander Key. His stuff is often more considered young adult, and it’s getting harder to find. Part of this is that he was TERRIBLE at conclusions; one of his books ended seriously right in the middle of the climax. I mean, who does that??? But his utopian ideas have haunted me my whole life, and I loved some of is books. Escape From Witch Mountain is his most famous thanks to Disney; there’s also The Forgotten Door, and I think my other favorite was The Magic Meadow. Hard to find these days but worth it if you can, or at least that’s how I remember them. He had both male and female protagonists and I don’t remember any misogyny. Probably some older ideas about gender since he was born in 1904 or thereabouts, but it didn’t stand out to me and I was born clutching my feminist card in my tiny wrinkled fist, that’s how long I’ve been a feminist, so nothing too bad in any of the books that I read, at least…)

        1. Fikly*

          Seconding the Bujold rec – if you don’t want to dive into her massive Vorkosigan series, her latest entry in the series, Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen, can probably be read reasonably standalone, and features a truly fabulous older woman as the main character. But I highly recommend the whole series.

          A white cis male author who write surprisingly good women (he is often compared to Heinlein) is John Scalzi. I recommend Old Man’s War as a jumping off point.

      4. Blue Horizon*

        I’ve had that experience as well (I’m male, but apparently I have Delicate Feminist Sensibilities™ too and John Wyndham was too much for them).

        Le Guin is very good, especially if you can find the Earthsea series with the commentary she wrote (this is fantasy, but she wrote a lot of sci fi as well). You need to bear in mind that it was written over several decades, the first three books featured her largely following the high fantasy traditions, before she returns to subvert them all starting with the fourth book. Her comments on why the earlier books turned out the way they did and why she changed direction are interesting to read, and highlight the evolving literary landscape during that time. Her sci fi and short fiction tends to have an anthropological flavor (especially the Hainish cycle) and her favorite technique is to invent a society with non-standard structure, culture, gender norms etc. and then tease out the implications of that.

        I haven’t seen anybody mention Andre Norton yet. She wrote mostly for young adults and a lot of her work is pretty dated now, but she’s generally considered one of the pioneers of the genre. Because of the era she wrote in, she maintains pretty strong protective coloration (male pen name, mostly male protagonists) but the women that do appear in her books are generally real people.

        1. Blue Horizon*

          Re: Asimov, I am definitely not blind to his flaws, but my absolute favorite thing about him is when he has one of his characters suddenly declare that they have solved a puzzle or mystery, and then lay out a meticulously reasoned theory that explains all the available facts and observations and is nonetheless utterly and completely wrong. I never got tired of reading those.

    15. Foreign Octopus*

      All right, I lied. I tried reading I Await the Devil’s Coming (this is my second attempt at reading it), but I got thirty pages in and just couldn’t do it any more. I’ve set it aside and picked up Animal Farm by George Orwell instead. I’m surprised at how much shorter it is that I was expecting. My copy of the book is only 94 pages, so I’m hoping to read it all in one sitting.

    16. Llama Face!*

      I just finished reading Vessel by Lisa Nichols and enjoyed it. It’s a lighter on the science side sci-fi book involving a female astronaut main character who comes back from an experimental spaceship wormhole trip 10 years after presumed lost with memory loss and all her crewmates missing. There may be aliens involved…
      (Can’t say much more to avoid spoilers but there are also plot elements involving feminism and I liked the way the author handled the dynamic between the M.C. and the woman who had started dating her husband after she was presumed dead.)

    17. DuPont Circle Travel*

      I LOVE Constellation of Vital Phenomena. So heartbreaking but so beautiful. It’s one of my go-to recommendations.

      I’m reading Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, and I gotta say…. I expected to love it, but I’m feeling a bit meh about it. I like it enough, but it’s not grabbing me as much as I thought it would.

    18. LizB*

      I finished Magic Bites by Ilona Andrews (fun, quick, well-built urban fantasy — I’m going to be looking for more by that author for sure!) and am now on to Because Internet by Gretchen McCulloch (nonfiction about internet linguistics).

      1. SAHM*

        I just started her Clean Sweep Series, I’m about to buy book 4. I bing read the first three over the last two days. Exactly what I needed.

    19. DayMan Fighter of the Nightman*

      I just finished up Skyward by Brandon Sanderson this week and now I’m on to the 4th book in the Last Kingdom series, it has another name but I started reading it after I watched the show so I just refer to it that way.

      I just started reading Brandon Sanderson books this year and have read 5 so far and they’ve all been excellent fantasy books.

    20. Bluebell*

      In preparation for a vacation to Hawaii, I finished The Descendants and hope to watch the movie soon. Also read Molokai and Daughter of Molokai by Alan Brennert. Both were very well written and I learned a lot of history. Next on the list is Molokai by O.A. Bushnell. And just as a fluffy palate cleanser, I read Chelsea Handlers latest book. My favorite parts were the chapters about her dogs.

    21. Jen Erik*

      I found ‘The Bone Clocks’ by David Mitchell on the bookshelf, which for some reason I had bought but never read, so I read that. I did enjoy it, but the last part is set later this century (2043, maybe?) and the characters facing global warming was hard to read. My daughter had bought Lori Gottlieb’s ‘Maybe you should talk to someone…’ – which is about her work as a therapist and her own experience of therapy, and I enjoyed that. There were several bits where I stopped and tried to commit something she had written to memory.
      Then I reread a couple of Heyers, because politics was getting fraught and a bit of escapism seemed called for. And then I downloaded Sherwood Smith’s ‘It happened at the Ball’ anthology for further escapism – so far it’s of mixed quality, as anthologies tend to be. I’m a little disappointed: I think I wanted really, really fluffy, and it’s not quite what I hoped for. But that’s not the book’s fault.

    23. PhyllisB*

      Meant to post this yesterday, and forgot. I belong to a FB group called Women Reading Great Books and they threw out a challenge to read a book published the year you were born. I quipped that there’s probably not any books still around published the year I was born; that according to my kids they were probably carved into stone tablets.
      But on a serious note, have any of you ever read a book published the year you were born? I did look and I had read a few of them in years past, but didn’t see anything I wanted to tackle now. I may do it anyway just because.

    24. Mimmy*

      I hope non-fiction books are allowed in this thread!

      If so, I just finished Haben: The Deafblind Woman Who Conquered Harvard Law by Haben Girma. I love her self-confidence and her creativity. She’s extremely passionate about accessibility, particularly in communication (which I’m particularly interested in myself) and in the digital world. To facilitate communication with others, she developed a text-to-Braille system where you type on a regular keyboard. The text is then converted to Braille on a Braille display. Haben then responds verbally. Seeing her speak in person is now on my bucket list.

    25. TexasRose*

      I’ve just discovered the Alex awards, given by some subset of the American Library Association: “The Alex Awards are given to ten books [each year] written for adults that have special appeal to young adults, ages 12 through 18. ”

      My favorite by far is the Murderbot Diaries, a set of four novellas by Martha Wells. The first is “All Systems Red.” It deservedly won both the Nebula and the Hugo awards, and others. Definitely not light, but lots of cutting observations, and oddly incredibly tender. (Asimov would be spinning in his grave. Three Laws of Robotics, hah!)

      Other recommendations (not Alex winners):

      “The Calculating Stars” by Mary Robinette Kowal, part of her Lady Astronaut series. Her “Ghost Talkers” (set in England during one of the World Wars) was excellent as well. Both of these deal with explicit, rampant, and infuriating misogyny and racism, so not for everyone.

      Ben Aaronovitch’s Rivers of London series, a combination urban fantasy and police procedural. First title is “Midnight Riot” [US title; UK title is different]. A young police constable in London, son of immigrants from Sierra Leone, discovers that magic and the supernatural are real. In an ironic, post-modern, snarky way, of course.

    26. Liz*

      I pulled out and re-read, over the last few weeks, all my Harry Potter books. I forgot how much fun they are!

  10. Bilateralrope*

    About 2 years ago a cat showed up at my workplace and basically declared “I live here now. Pet me”. Then we started feeding her.

    Today I realized that she is the only cat I’ve ever spent much time with that has no interest in the chairs people use. She will sleep in front of the heater, on our logbook, or sheltered behind a large rock outside, but never the chairs.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve switched between three books in the last couple weeks and it’s annoying me, because I can’t get into any of them. My favorite authors don’t have any new books at the moment, so I’m stuck trying out random books, either through Kindle Unlimited or the library.

      I started out with Hard Hit by JB Turner (it’s a series and I’ve read the other books). Then I switched to Recursion by Blake Crouch. Then I was reading Murder by Misrule by Anne Castle. Last night I finally went back to Hard Hit. It’s not a spectacular series, but it’s good enough that I can get through it and be mostly interested.

      I think it’s time to visit my Good Reads list and pick something from there.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Nesting fail. Sorry! That was meant for the post right above yours. But it’s a fortunately nesting fail since I’m a cat lady. :)

        My new cat has no interest in jumping on anything other than the occasional bed, and he won’t even sleep there. He just jumps up to check out the scene and then jumps back down again. He’s always on the move.

      2. Bilateralrope*

        We rarely use the keyboard, so it’s left where there isn’t room for her to stand on it.

        Now I did manage to train my parents cat to stay off the keyboard. But the training only held when I was using the computer.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I initially read this as training your parents to not stand on the keyboard, but only with difficulty.

          1. Bilateralrope*

            Nah. They need to be trained to not touch the monitor when pointing at something. Ive only had minimal success there.

  11. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Ugh. It is nearly 11:30 am and I’ve done nothing but drink coffee and waste time on twitter, Facebook, reddit, etc. My house is a disaster and I’m probably going to start a new job in a week (which, depending on how things go, could mean that I have to pack all my work stuff and go work away for six weeks at least). And I am not prepared to go anywhere with the house in this disorganised state! Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh.

    What strategies are people using to break their internet addiction and start doing things in the real world?

    1. Platypus Enthusiast*

      I have also done the same, but don’t beat yourself up about it! Sometimes we just need to spend time relaxing. Congratulations on the new job! So in terms of just not using a phone, I use an app called forest- you set a timer, and you can grow a cute plant or tree of some type. These plants translate to virtual currency, and when you get enough, you can trade that in so a real tree gets planted! Also, for cleaning- take it one thing at a time! And seriously take a hard look at what you want to keep and what you don’t. I made the mistake of transporting everything when I moved a month ago, and then deciding to clean stuff up. And while cleaning and packing, maybe listen to an audiobook or podcast! If you’re into audiobooks, most libraries have a lending library and use an app called Libby (the same as Overdrive), which is super convenient!

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Ear protection with built-in bluetooth headset to combine yard work with podcasts.
      And I joined a FB group geared towards housecleaning & organization. My 20yo sungle self would have been mortified, but in my current life it works: pop on, post what I’m about to do, and update to get backpats. More attagirls from those Internet strangers than I get from my family. Harrumph.

    3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Set a timer. When I have a chore that I don’t want to do, or I’m just tired, or depressed, I set I timer for 5 or 10 minutes. Then I go read for a bit, then timer again. And I add time as I’m doing it – day one 5 minutes, day two 10 and so on. A lot of time I’ll reset the timer because I get to wanting to finish this part (I break everything down). I’ve found, for me, it’s that starting that’s the hardest, and then the staying focused. Having the timer keeps me on tract, and I get breaks. Projects get done. Win.

    4. YetAnotherUsername*

      I go through phases when I don’t go on boards at all, then I come back. It is such a massive time suck. Things that have helped me temporarily include:
      Installing apps to block certain sites
      Tracking time and seeing for real just how much time I waste on sites (there are apps to track this now)
      Making myself do other things first like duolingo or playing words with friends or something else that has an inbuilt trigger to stop playing (finish all your moves / run out of lives).
      Setting a timer

    5. Gatomon*

      If it makes you feel better, I didn’t wake up until 10, then I rolled around in bed until 11:45 using my phone to internet. :( This weekend I’ve decided to forgo Reddit and Ask a Manager/news sites will be my only “interneting.” Reddit doesn’t make me happy, yet somehow I keep going back… I might actually see if I can block the domain on my router….

      I’m slowly realizing that I’m deluding myself into thinking I’ll ever be an outdoorsy person. All the things I love to do (read, play video games and watch shows/movies) are indoor activities, and mostly solo. I was an only child growing up and really never had neighborhood friends, so I am pretty used to just spending my free time amusing myself. I have a friend who I go walking in the park with at times, but that’s about it. This summer hasn’t gone well for either of us so we haven’t met up much.

      Part of my problem is that the outdoors and I don’t really get along. My seasonal allergies are making spring/summer/fall impossible to enjoy for me – my doctor prescribed me an inhaler this year because I’ve been wheezing all summer. And we really haven’t even had any issues with wildfire smoke this year! The one winter thing I really liked as a kid was skiing, but it’s just so expensive to get all the equipment and hit the slopes that I just keep putting it off. I’m also 15 years out of practice, and everyone I know is either a gung-ho skiier or hates it with a passion. I think I might just give up and buy a basic treadmill now that I have space.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I’m not quite the same, but I realized that despite enjoying it maybe wanting to enjoy nature activities that they don’t beat out now nature ones.

        I prefer reading. I live in the city and I don’t prioritize getting out for hiking or mountain biking as much as I enjoy them. There’s stuff and chores to do at home on the weekend. There’s museums and talks all over town that I don’t get to go to all I want.

        It is an identity change. I like the nature stuff enough but the fact that it’s not winning the prioritization battle means I’m not a hiker or mountain biker. My job allows me to live anywhere so I could live in nature or closer to nature. The big thing is though I like my liberal queer community in the or this city. Not ready to sacrifice community for living in beautiful nature.

        And I know there are queer friendly outdoorsy places but they are thousands of miles from here.

        It is really The identity change that I prefer living in the city than places of outdoorsy natural beauty.

    6. cat socks*

      I’ve started watching cleaning videos on YouTube. I’ll put them on while I have to do my own cleaning. Weird, but it kind of helps get me motivated.

    7. Meepmeep*

      I went cold turkey. Actually, at first, I’d decided to take a “digital Sabbath” – turn off my social media apps one day a week and just read books when I needed entertainment. The first time I did that, I felt so much better after one day of not clogging up my brain with social media that I actually didn’t want to go back. I’d noticed just how angry and anxious I got after reading Facebook, especially – so many things to be outraged about, so many stupid people, so much to incite anger and fear. I don’t want to be angry and afraid.

      I deleted the Reddit and Facebook apps from my phone and switched over to various e-reader apps for actual books. I’ve been at it for 34 days now (I guess I get a 30 day sobriety chip or something?), and I honestly have no desire to go back.

      I do make an exception for AAM, which may be a weakness, but it doesn’t consume my life the way Reddit and Facebook did.

    8. Jackalope*

      I’ve found that not having my phone in the room where I’m sleeping helps so much with this. Many nights I’ve left it to charge in a room someone else is sleeping in so I couldn’t go grab it even if I wanted to. It helps to keep me off it for awhile in the morning, sometimes all the way til my Mir I got break. (I have a radio alarm to wake up so don’t need it for that…) No Facebook app on my phone, and I try to take breaks from specific sites that eat up a lot of my time.

    9. Alexandra Lynch*

      Lists and timers, and breaking big tasks into smaller ones.
      I don’t have to clean the kitchen immediately. I just have to unload the dishwasher. Then I can sit down for twenty minutes. Then I can do something else.
      I also play a game that has a nighttime cycle when you can’t see to do things, and so I tend to park my character in its base, make sure ongoing processes are producing and don’t need more raw material, and stand up and go do stuff until “dawn”. I get a lot done that way on hard days.

      (To be honest, though, I have chronic pain, and sometimes a general “I don’t want to do anything but fart around on the computer” is actually, “I hurt all over and don’t feel like moving.”)

  12. Ready Player One*

    I am kind of struggling with how to feel about a friend of mine.

    TLDR: if my close friend is a player and I don’t care, am I a bad person?

    I have been (very platonic) friends with this guy for nearly a decade. I haven’t had a front-row seat to his life (or vice-versa) since we both work around the world, frequently not in the same place, but this is someone I talk to multiple times a week, we see each other in person whenever we can, and whom I would emphatically trust with my life.

    A few months ago, introduced him to a friend of mine (Friend A), and the two of them hit it off spectacularly. They dated for a bit, and then he broke it off, saying he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship right now. They said a friendly goodbye, and we all thought that was that.

    Well, a mutual acquaintance from work (Acquaintance B) has since “come forward” (I use the term loosely) to say that the same thing happened to her five years ago— no insinuation of anything untoward, they dated for a few weeks, he broke it off saying he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship right now.

    Friend A is now outraged, saying this is a pattern of disrespectful behaviour, and is heavily implying that this should change my opinion of my long-time friend.

    …it doesn’t?

    As I am going through this in my head, everybody involved here is a fully consenting adult, there has never been any hint of anything untoward whatsoever, and since I am never going to sleep with him, I’m not sure how it’s supposed to change *my* opinion of the guy. Admittedly I probably won’t set him up with anyone again, but that’s about it.

    Just to clear, I fully believe everyone involved. I believe Acquaintance B’s story, I had a front row seat to a friend A’s story, AND I fully believe that my friend isn’t ready for a serious relationship.

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      We have a friend whose romantic morals were not always first class, but took the view that they weren’t our business.

      Until he looked like hooking up with a friend of ours in our house at a party – not a 100% robust friend, in case that’s relevant – at which point I strongly warned her off.

      Spouse has since been best man at his wedding, so there was no loss of friendship, but that was the line we drew.

    2. Angwyshaunce*

      You are allowed to feel however you do about a friend. Somebody else can’t dictate that for you.

      I once had a friend who was shunned by our other friends for choices he made, which did not impact them one bit. I accepted how he chose to live his life.

    3. Christy*

      Honestly it doesn’t even sound disrespectful. Dating and then breaking up just sounds like what dating is. I think Friend A is just hurt from being broken up with.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. This sounds like normal dating behavior to me. I don’t have much experience with dating, but I see what my friends have gone through and this wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar. Actually, they’d probably be thrilled that he broke it off and was truthful he didn’t want a relationship.

      2. Anon Librarian*

        What was written here is normal, but we don’t have all the details. It’s hard to pass judgment one way or the other.

      4. Alex*

        Agree. I’m not sure exactly why Friend A is so upset at the fact that years ago he dated someone else and then broke up with them. Seems like misplaced anger/hurt.

      5. Beatrice*

        Yeah, I don’t understand how rejecting two separate people and clearly expressing what he wasn’t looking for makes him disrespectful.

    4. WS*

      You *have* changed your opinion – he’s now someone you probably won’t set up with anyone again. You aren’t (and don’t have to!) decide that he’s now a terrible, disrespectful person or anything, just that his idea of a relationship obviously isn’t compatible with that of your other friends.

    5. Christy*

      Separately, I’d care if your bestie were sleeping with your friend circle and then ghosting them, but this isn’t that. I prob wouldn’t set him up with anyone who was looking for long term or a relationship though.

    6. LGC*

      Your username in this context DELIGHTS me.

      I think your friend is…having a rough time with the breakup, to put it lightly. Your “player” friend said he wasn’t ready for commitment with two women you know about five years apart. Unless I’m missing something, I don’t know if you can draw a pattern from that.

      And you’re doing the right thing! You’re not going to sleep with him or otherwise have a romantic relationship with him, so while you shouldn’t hook him up with any of your other girlfriends, his phobia of commitment doesn’t affect you. It’s possible to be a good friend and a bad boyfriend, which it sounds like he is.

    7. Lilo*

      It also may be this is his way of letting people down easy. It might be misguided. But there is 100% nothing wrong with dating someone for a few weeks and breaking up.

      1. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

        Yeah, ultimately, it’s really hard for me to be mad at this person at all. Everyone has a right to not continue to be romantically or sexually involved with someone else whenever they want.

        Yeah, people should be as honest as possible about their intentions and not, like, date someone for 5 years and talk about marriage and kids if they have no desire to build a life with that person, but this doesn’t sound like anything even dishonest. Some people would rather date casually than date to try to find a life partner, and that’s a perfectly legitimate choice.

        This honestly doesn’t even sound like something that would cause me to stop introducing him to friends! Since you know what’s up, you can just say “I think you would get along really well! He doesn’t want a long term relationship, but I’d be happy to introduce you if you if you like.”

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Yeah, I think what he actually meant was “I’m not ready for a serious relationship *with Friend A.*”

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t have any problem with what he’s doing, as described. Nor would I if you had a female friend who dated people and then broke up with them, including because she routinely discovered she didn’t want anything serious.

      There are levels of dating crappy, like constantly insulting the person you’re sleeping with, or lying to them about the other people you’re sleeping with, where I think maintaining a neutral “hey, I’m not dating them, so not personally affected” gets a side-eye. But a tendency to not marry the people you date should be unremarkable.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      The key is the nature of the relationship. Since he is just a friend and nothing further that can make a difference in how you view him.
      You don’t have to be angry at him “for” someone else. That is their relationship or was their relationship and it’s up to them to sort that out.

      AT MOST, if he says anything to you then you can talk about it with him. Perhaps at that point you can suggest that he be more upfront or whatever. I don’t see too much wrong with what he is doing. I too have a male friend who dates just to get out and have life experiences. He wants someone to do things with.
      The problem comes in when the other person is dating in the hope of finding someone to marry. This unbalances the relationship as each person is looking for something different. The goals are not the same.

      It’s not your friend’s responsibility to fix a situation where a person says to him, “Yeah, just dating is fine” and then secretly they keep hoping for that engagement ring. There is an expression, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” The responsibility is on each person to speak the truth.

      As far as it making you a bad person for hanging out with him, there is a counter-argument that I have heard. Let’s assume that it’s true the guy is a “bad guy” (he’s not, imo). So if “good” people never mix with “bad” people then “bad” people never learn different approaches to live because they are never exposed to other options.
      I DO have a few problems with this line of thinking. My top problem is that just as no one is all bad, neither is anyone all good. And most of the time I land on “Who the heck am I to judge? I can only fix me and that is a full time job.”

      I think it’s fine not to set him up with anyone again. I don’t do much matchmaking myself because of blowback. Let people find their own way, I’d say. You could use this one example to change what you are doing across the board.

      As a reference point, you might think back to a time in your life where you had a friend and you were friendly with their parent. The problem was Friend and Parent did not do so well together. It’s the differences in relationships. If that were your parent or your kid, you may have had bumps in the road with either person, also. We don’t have to dislike/hate/avoid other people just because a friend/family member says to do this.

      But based on what you have written here, I’d say do your own thinking. If the friendship is a positive in your life then you should keep it. There are examples of times where I might say the opposite though. I do have friends who have stepped in crap. Eventually, we end up talking about it and the friend decides to make some kind of adjustment in what they are doing. (The reverse is true too, I have stepped in crap and friends talked me through it.) This is what friends do for each other.

    10. MissDisplaced*

      I don’t see how dating and then deciding not to date someone is inherently bad behavior as long as he was honest and upright that the relationships were just dating. That’s the whole point of dating isn’t it? You’ll find many people you genuinely like, but may not want to settle down with.

      As long as he wasn’t lying to them or professing some kind of undying love for them just to get them in the sack, I struggle to see how he’s been disrespectful.

      But maybe it is a topic worth exploring with your male friend, to just get a sense of his thoughts on dating in general. IS he generally respectful of women? Is he actively looking for “the one” or just playing the field? Is he unintentionally giving the wrong impression that he’s more serious? If you have a good relationship it could be one of those conversations like “You know, women may view dating in a somewhat different way…”

    11. Traffic_Spiral*

      Unless he was misleading her by going on about how he was totally looking for something serious until he pulled the rug out at the last minute? Nah.

    12. Not A Manager*

      “I’m not ready for a serious relationship” is a common euphemism for “I’m not that into you.” Just because someone says that twice in five years doesn’t make him a player.

    13. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Yeah, I don’t see that this should change your opinion of your friend, unless he has a pattern that starts off each potential first date with declarations of how he’s looking to settle down immediately and then backs out a few weeks later with the whole not ready for a relationship thing. (If he’s doing that on the a regular basis, he should think about why and also stop. It’s fine and expected for any given first date to not end in marriage, but if the problem is that he actually doesn’t want commitment with anyone at all once the shiny is worn off, then he should stop announcing that he’s looking for a committed relationship so early on in the shiny new person phase.)

      It does change who you should set him up with (other people who are also looking to go on a few dates with a new person rather than people who are looking to get in a serious relationship), but to me that’s along similar lines to how I have friends that I wouldn’t recommend for certain jobs or expect to cook Thanksgiving dinner. They may be my D&D friend, or my go camping friend, or my travel friend, but don’t have the right skill set to be a front desk receptionist/school bus driver/car salesperson/whatever, or don’t really understand why you need to own more than one knife (I once had a dear friend hand me a pocket knife when I asked for a cheese grater while cooking dinner in his kitchen), so despite them being great in one context I wouldn’t recommend them in another one.

      1. Lissa*

        Yeah, and even if he WAS doing the thing in the first paragraph you wrote, I think while that’s not great behaviour it odesn’t rise to the level of “I have to stop being friends with this person for moral reasons” either. Everyone has flaws, and if he’s lying to himself about being ready for something/wanting a serious relationship well, that’s a flaw and one he should work on but not one I’d feel like I would need to cut him out of my life for, either!

    14. Stephanie*

      Five years ago? Doesn’t look like a huge, red-flag kind of pattern to me. I’m not sure the outrage is warranted.
      If he’s not ready for a serious relationship, he’s not ready. Breaking it off after a few weeks is not disrespectful, it’s actually honest and in a way, kind. If friend A is looking for a more committed relationship, this guy is clearly not the guy for her, and he saved her from wasting a lot of time by breaking it off early on.
      And you are allowed to have your own opinions about your friends, and you are allowed to continue to be friends with whomever you choose. No one else gets to dictate that stuff.

    15. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      I just recently found this out about a work friend of mine. I…don’t know how to feel. I like him as a friend, but I’ve also dated people like him and know how it’s frustrating. He doesn’t do anything too bad, but he tends to be purposefully untransparent about the fact that he is less invested in the situationship than the girl is just so he gets to sleep with her. It doesn’t help that he’s conventionally attractive (but not my type), and our friendship further raises trust issues in these girls (one of whom is my other coworker.) Basically, we come from the same ethnic community, and I know that his crazy behavior is basically a reaction to a very restrictive, religiously conservative upbringing. I told him off about it, but also don’t feel like ending the friendship.

    16. Agnodike*

      There’s nothing disrespectful about ending a relationship in a friendly way, no matter how many times you do it. Casual dating is allowed. No one is under any obligation to enter into a committed/monogamous relationship at any point in their life. Honestly, if I were in this situation, it would be Friend A about whom I changed my opinion, because based on the information given here, it really seems like they have some seriously unreasonable expectations of others.

    17. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      So I’m female and I’ve been married for a /really/ long time, and honestly? He’s not doing anything wrong. Unless he made promises and then turned around with the ‘not ready’ talk, that’s just dating! I’d tell her that I understand that she’s sad, but twice (or a hundred times) isn’t really disrespectful behavior. And no, you don’t get to choose my friends.

    18. Morning reader*

      What’s a player to you? Do you find his behavior unethical? If so, you may want to disassociate yourself or at minimum warn people you care about away from becoming involved with him.

      From your description, he doesn’t sound unethical to me.

      Does he stalk women he is interested in? Does he beat them or rape them using force or coercion?Does he deceive them in an attempt to take their money or resources? These I would find immoral and illegal and I would not be a friend to such a person.

      Does he lie to them and say he has long term intentions when he does not? Does he claim to be monogamous when he’s not? Does he not take any responsibility for birth control or sti protection? Does he become involved with people with monogamous commitments and help them lie about that? This is a less criminal level but I probably still wouldn’t be close to him.

      Or is it just that he gets involved in short term relationships and is clear about that? Maybe sometimes with more than one person at a time but he’s honest about that too? Always safe and consensual? Tries not to break hearts and follows the campsite rule? Knows he might get someone pregnant and accepts the risk responsibly? Well that’s alright with me. Would have no problem with a friend hooking up with him as long as she wasn’t looking to settle down.

      TL:dr You’re not a bad person unless you think he is and don’t care.

  13. General von Klinkerhoffen*

    Removed because no politics here. Sorry! (Generally that ban applies to American politics but the replies here were straying into American politics and I don’t want to moderate that!) – Alison

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      The Conservative party tweeted a Photoshopped image of Jeremy Corbyn (leader of the opposition) dressed as a chicken, with “JFC” in the corner as if a KFC ad, with taunting language – they’ve been calling him a coward for resisting an early General Election. KFC’s social media team responded very well.

    2. Anonomoose*

      They tweeted some support for throwing milkshakes at racists…I think at Stephen Yaxley-Lemon, or whatever his real name is

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Doing good – any amount of good – is definitely the action we should be undertaking to counter the awfulness. Our local town has got involved in a “look for a book” scheme where you hide a children’s book and post clues in the FB group. Children find the books, read them, then rehide them, with photos of the finding and the rehiding. It’s been lovely for the community and for encouraging excitement around books for young readers.

    4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I never turn down a coronation chicken sandwich. A friend makes hers with a dollop of mango chutney added to the sauce, and I highly recommend.

      (the KFC was delicious; I also sent a thank-you card to the MP thanking her for sticking to her principles)

    7. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Fried chicken is widely available in the bigger cities. Out here in the sticks it’s KFC or DIY.

    9. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you for keeping us honest, Alison. I wondered as I typed how far I was pushing the limit. No hard feelings! Enjoy your weekend.

  14. Washi*

    My childhood best friend just had a baby! I’m going to visit her for a little in the hospital, and then once they go home will likely be around quite a bit after the baby is born to help clean and cook (both are things my friend has asked for.)

    What are some things you wished visitors would bring to the hospital after giving birth? What did you need most in the first few months? (things or actions)

    1. Fikly*

      I don’t have children, but my mother’s secret amazing new baby present is a bunch of cloth diapers. She never used them as diapers, but says they are the baby multitasker and can be used for everything. Everyone she has given them to was confused at first, and then swears it was the best thing they received.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        My go-to new baby gift is some of those little mesh lingerie bags. You can usually get a 3 pack at the dollar store, and they’re a great way to keep baby socks and other tiny baby things contained in the washing machine so they don’t get eaten by the sock fairy. For baby showers, I usually tuck a set or two into whatever present from the registry I picked up as my main gift, and the new parents usually say they got quite a bit of use out of them.

      3. PhyllisB*

        I have a couple of “go to” baby gifts (not to bring to the hospital.) One is a kit that has things like baby nail clippers, baby meds, Tylenol, spray for stuffy noses, and several other things. You can find them at stores that sell baby/child items, and sometimes at stores like Walmart. They’re about $25.00 and every new mother I’ve given one to has been thankful because it’s all together in one kit and it’s easy to take wherever you need to. Another one is, if they have a dishwasher, one of those little boxes you can sit in the top rack to hold small things like bottle rings and nipples. I usually include that with whatever else I give and has always been well-received. My niece told me it was her very favorite baby gift!! They’re less than $5.00. I also second the laundry bags and cloth diapers. My “baby” is 32 and I still have a couple of cloth diapers that I use for dust cloths, and they make great burp rags.
        Now for the hospital, one of my favorite gifts to bring for anybody is some puffy mints. I can’t think of a brand name, but they’re red and white striped and very airy and dissolve in the mouth quickly. I don’t what it is about being in a hospital that gives people a bad case of the dry mouth. And if they don’t want to eat them, they can offer them to guests. A basket of snacks and bottled water is good, too. You can buy them pre-made or make up your own. Especially if she’s breastfeeding, she will need lots of liquids and a quick snack she can hold with one hand will be great, or to offer to guests. I know that sounds strange to worry about visitors, but I liked having something I could offer.
        Now two things NOT to bring: plants or balloons. She’s going to have a ton of stuff to take home and that’s just something else to contend with. Wait until she’s home if you want to give things like this. I’m sure as soon as I post this I’ll think of more things, but hope this helps!!

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I wouldn’t visit in hospital unless she’s in for a while. It’s noisy and busy and she may need to snatch sleep where she can. Most people go home within a day. Then in the first days …

      1. Bring food that doesn’t need eating immediately and only needs one hand to eat but is fresh and nutritious – wraps and sandwiches cut as if for a buffet but in a suitable tupperware, vegetable sticks, that kind of thing. If you’re bringing a dinner, again think one-handed, quick reheating time, etc, unless you’re staying to do everything. Maybe coffee in a vacuum flask!

      2. Wash the dishes. Thoroughly rinse any used bottles you find. Every visit. Ask if there’s laundry to be put in / transferred into the dryer / folded – there will be.

      3. Don’t let either parent wait on you. Keep early visits short (30 minutes) and don’t expect entertaining – make your own coffee, and theirs. If you stay longer, it’s because you’re doing laundry or watching baby so she can shower for longer than 30 seconds. Be patient if they’re spaced out or boring.

      4. Baby is not a toy or ornament to be passed round. It’s wholly weird to have part of your body suddenly outside your body and being touched by other people. Be led by the parents and wait to be offered. Some are desperate to share, others feel unexpectedly protective even with “safe” people.

      Well done for being the helpful friend and caring about them!

      1. Lilo*

        Yes! People kept making these elaborate meals that I only ate when they were cold because my son was always nursing when food was ready.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          One visitor faithfully reheated my dinner every time I was summoned by my first baby one evening. By the time he had FINALLY settled, the food was totally dried out and unappetizing. Cold food would have been fine.

          So maybe consider how appetizing the food is once it’s cooled down a bit …

          It sounds like I’m being really fussy and honestly I am capable of gratitude, but any “help” that actually creates work (e.g. coming round to hold baby so new mom can catch up on her housework, but demanding refreshments and criticising housekeeping) is far worse than nothing, and I try to be certain any baby visit I make is significantly net positive to the new family.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Just as an alternate view — I loved having visitors in the hospital and wished we’d had more!

    4. Lilo*

      Offer to hold the baby so she can shower. Seriously.

      If you buy diapers, don’t buy Ns. They’re through those in a hot second. Same with newborn onesies.

      1. Beatrice*

        Yes! My mom’s go-to gift (and now mine) has been packs of onesies and soft knit bottoms in a range of 6+ month sizes. Everyone buys the wee baby sizes, so the goal of the gift is for the parents to have at least a day or two of outfits to reach for when they wake up and suddenly nothing else fits the baby and they need to go buy more clothes.

      2. Observer*

        I agree on the onsies. The problem with diapers is that if you get them to big, you almost might as well not bother. And, to be honest, I’ve yet to see a pack that lasts more than a week anyway. So, that’s something that needs constant resupply anyway.

    5. greenthumb*

      Frozen waffles that can be toasted at zero-dark-30 while stumbling around for a 2 am feeding. The warm, crunchy carbs are soothing and quick to munch on. If she’s nursing, she may suddenly feel famished and that has a way of jolting you awake enough that it’s hard to fall back asleep when baby does.

      Something like a pan of veggie-centric lasagna that is assembled and ready to go in the oven, and easily portioned into smaller single-serve containers for leftovers. (We were lucky enough to receive one like this, and that and the cloth diapers we received and used as spit-up cloths were two of the items we’ve remembered most fondly.)

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      What not to bring to the hospital: anything you wouldn’t want lost. Friends brought us a quiche with a knife from home for carving, then asked if we knew what had befallen the knife. Uh, no. Induced labor, fetal distress, emergency C-section, no one was tracking the knife.

      After birth: Healthy food you can prepare and eat with one hand, aka a one-dish-meal casserole with protein and vegetables.

      If the baby is going through a rough sobbing like the world is ending and no one will fix it patch (e.g. colic, nursing problems) take the baby out for a set time, like 90 minutes. One of the best bits of non-joking advice in a humorous book for dads was that your wife cannot stop crying while the baby is crying. She also can’t nap while the baby sobs in the next room. You can look after the baby with no “the baby is crying because I am a failure as a mother, forever” additional emotions on top of it. (Not all babies do this. But when they do, their exhausted mom isn’t really looking at it dispassionately as a momentary rough patch that will be over in 1 or 2 more baby life times.)

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        +1

        Take the baby somewhere else for an hour. If it screams for that hour, hold it for that hour. Maybe hum a song (doesn’t need to be PG especially if you are just humming, so long as you keep going).

        An early visitor to us sent me back to bed. For half an hour all I could hear was the baby fussing and someone loudly emptying the dishwasher by opening and closing every single cupboard multiple times. Not one second of sleep. I gave up.

          1. Agnodike*

            Yeah, I would have been inconsolable if someone had taken my baby far enough that I couldn’t hear her cry in those first few weeks.

            I feel like there are so many different approaches to parenting, and so many different baby personalities, that the best course of action is always to just ask what someone wants.

    7. Ranon*

      A quick text asking if there’s anything you can pick up on the way as you’re swinging by (Target/ chain pharmacy/ supermarket with good baby section) might be welcome in either circumstance (some folks don’t like being asked if they need anything but even those folks tend to do better if it’s a specific store you’re stopping at). They know best what they need right now. Non perishable snacks are always good, mix up the sweet/salty and protein rich/ carb rich/ fat rich options so they’re not, say, drowning in sugar or salt or what have you.

      1. Lilo*

        I somehow, when I brought my son home, didn’t have diaper rash cream. I imagine every new parent has something like that.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I once, in the earlier days of the internet, drove across town to the house of someone I’d met in person only once before but was friends with on LiveJournal because her baby had a digestive bug and she was out of diaper cream. I knew there was no reasonable way she could take a miserable, emitting-ick-from-multiple-orifices baby to the store to buy diaper cream and so I just offered to do it for her and drive it over. I probably stayed at her house for under 2 minutes before driving home again (“here’s the cream, is there anything else I can do to help before I leave?”), because that really wasn’t going to be a good time for her to have company, and I knew that going in. If you can offer to be the friend to do things like that for her, it will probably be very helpful.

    8. The Mayor*

      The first thing my wife wanted in the hospital after giving birth was an ice-cold beer. She abstained for her entire pregnancy, for baby’s health, but craved it once baby was born!

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        My best friend didn’t eat lunch meat the whole time, so as soon as she delivered and got cleaned up, she sent her mother out for an Italian sub. She said it was one of the best things she ever ate!

    9. Overeducated*

      Hospital: maybe text her (or partner if she has one) asking if either of them needs a good cup of coffee, that was the #1 thing I appreciated. Hospitals otherwise have food and most other necessary stuff so I wouldn’t clutter up a place they’re leaving soon.

      Post-hospital: cut up fruit or veggies or cookies. Many people stock their freezers or can order/buy prepared hearty food, but every time we made something but my baby needed to nurse and it got cold anyway, so having room temp stuff around is nice too!

      And I think just being there and being around the first few months will mean a lot, beyond specifics. Being a new parent can be isolating, your presence means more than stuff.

      1. LibbyG*

        After we came home with the baby some kind folks brought us delicious meals, and then one brought muffins which turned out to be fantastic to have. Nursing made my hunger level go from zero to 60 in 4.8 seconds.

        And my perpetual baby gift recommendation is Zutano booties. Super cute and they actually stay on.

        1. Overeducated*

          Yes! Last time around I stocked my freezer with casseroles, this time I’m throwing in half batches of zucchini bread, pumpkin bread, and ready to bake oatmeal cookies when I make them. Muffin type stuff is so good when you’re hungry and exhausted.

      2. Hmmmm*

        This
        I got their exact Starbucks orders via text (dad’s too!) and brought those along with my friend’s favorite almonds.
        The almonds were a welcome surprise but worked because i knew she was out, loved them, could eat one handed and! They last/can be thrown out.
        Also- not everyone is comfortable letting you hold the baby right away, and they’ll have rules want to grab him/her back etc
        That’s not a judgement on you- it’s instinctive and generally fades as parents get comfortable

    10. Thursday Next*

      Face-cleansing wet wipes and Wisp toothbrushes. New parents’ routines are upended, and it’s nice to be able to keep a few parent care items close at hand that can be used quickly while feeding the baby.

      If your friend has a pet, bring a treat for it and give it a bit of attention.

      Food that can be eaten as is, no reheating necessary. Paper plates if that’s okay with you/your friends—a week off from doing dishes is great at this time.

    11. Joie De Vivre*

      In the hospital – food: fresh fruit & snacks. The hospital food was just so-so & I was hungry between meals.

      At home – the best tip I got was to double sheet the baby’s bed. When the diaper leaked in the middle of the night, all we had to do was strip off the fitted sheet & the waterproof sheet & the bed was ready to go. (because there was already another fitted sheet & waterproof sheet on the mattress).

      1. PhyllisB*

        Joie, that’s a great idea that I forgot!! Also, crib sheets are a wonderful baby present. When I had my first baby, I had three crib sheets on hand. I thought that would be plenty. We went through them in the first hour. I had to pin a towel on the mattress and send my husband to the store.

    12. Sled dog mama*

      The best thing anyone brought me after my first was a milkshake, I had zero cravings while pregnant and for the first week the only thing I wanted to eat was milkshakes.
      Everyone has made fantastic suggestions for things that would have been welcome.
      I’ll add if mom is nursing out in the open (as many do at first while getting the hang of it) and she says she’s ok with you in the room or says she wants you to stay (or calls you in from another room) she’s ok with your presence so believe her. One of the hardest things for me was how everyone cleared the room when I nursed, nursing was easy for me (with my first, second was a nightmare) baby girl didn’t mind being covered of there were men around and I usually didn’t bother covering at home with only women present but I really wanted someone to talk to while she was nursing.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Calorie-intensive, easy to eat one-handed, comforting — milkshakes are IDEAL postpartum food IMO! :)

    13. Parenthetically*

      My best friends brought a box of lovely little pastries first thing in the morning after my son was born. Later that night they brought my favorite Thai food, super spicy, which I hadn’t been able to eat in the weeks prior due to heartburn. If there are things like that — treats or favorite things she hasn’t been able to eat — bring that to the hospital! Also, some hospitals aren’t great at providing food for partners, so a substantial snack and/or some good coffee would be nice.

      One of my favorite things someone brought postpartum was BREAKFAST THINGS. We were blessed to have a roster of people bringing dinners, but I had a couple friends who brought breakfast — one brought big bran muffins and fruit salad, and the other brought a massive, rich baked oatmeal packed with fruit. I was obviously nursing around the clock so I deeply appreciated things I could eat easily but that were still super calorie-dense.

      Refill her drink bottle, especially if she’s breastfeeding. It’s hard to stay sufficiently hydrated when you’re doing all the newborn things.

    14. Not A Manager*

      “What are some things you wished visitors would bring to the hospital after giving birth?”

      Food. I was only in the hospital for two nights and the hospital food was horrid. Second everyone else’s comment that baby presents will only get lost/be hard to transport. If she’s in for longer, she might want a comfy blanket or a pastime such as audiobooks or a craft.

      “What did you need most in the first few months?”

      A shower. One of my best visitor memories is of someone cuddling the baby long enough for me to take a long shower.

    15. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      There are these things called SwaddleMe which are an absolute God-send. Basically, they’re stretchy, velcro fastening swaddled that are super easy to put on and take off and don’t get tangled. New, sleep-deprived also avoid needing to do cloth origami to get a wrap to stay around the baby. You also can’t go wrong with onesies. A set of 5 in 3 or 4 different sizes are awesome! And don’t be afraid of a cute outfit, sometimes it’s nice to receive something cute but so impractical the parents could never justify buying it themselves.
      For the new mom, a GIANT thermos to keep next to the bed during those first marathon feeding sessions. If there’s a dad or other partener/ helper in the picture, offer to sit with mom and baby while they go home and shower/ change clothes/ catch up on a last minute work deadline. They’re trying to take care of everything at that point so knowing someone’s there, even if its just to watch mother and baby sleep, is really nice.

    16. Salymander*

      I wouldn’t have wanted anything brought to hospital that I would have to take home with me. All of friend’s stuff + a baby and their stuff adds up to a whole lot of stuff!!!

      In hospital, I was told that I couldn’t have baby go to nursery so I could rest a little. I hadn’t slept for 50+ hours at that point. I shared a room with a woman who was really noisy and had guests in and out at all hours so I couldn’t sleep and didn’t feel comfortable leaving baby in the little bassinet by my bed. Especially when the police came and removed some guests. Dunno what that was about, but didn’t make me feel any more relaxed. If a friend had offered to hold baby for awhile so I could pee and take a 20 minute nap, I would have cried with happiness.

      When friend is home, maybe some meals you can keep for a fairly long time in refrigerator or freezer? Especially portions for one or two of soups, stews or casseroles. The stuff in freezer will be especially nice once your friend no longer has folks coming to help out as much. The first 4 months or so (sometimes longer!) can be exhausting to the point that normal things like showers and meals fall by the wayside. Having a cache of portions of homemade meals could be a lifesaver!

      Another thing I would have loved was for someone to hold baby or take her out in stroller so I could take a shower or a nap. My baby was colicky up to age 4 months, and no one wanted to hold her for 20 minutes while she screamed. If I had a friend who had done that for me, it would have made me so happy.

      You sound like an awesome friend :)

    17. LilySparrow*

      Best gifts:
      1) A “midnight pharmacy run” kit, which basically consists of all the things you run out of at 1am and can’t go without: small packs of diapers, wipes, rash cream, baby wash, lotion, sensitive-skin detergent. Infant Tylenol. Pedialyte. Baby Vapo-rub.

      2) A lidded file box with Pendaflex folders labeled for the first 24 months of Baby’s life. And if there’s room, annual ones for a few years after that. I saw this at a shower and was so jealous. It makes it so easy to store keepsakes until you have time to deal with them, and keeps them in chron order.

      Best visit: one where Mom gets to just hold the baby, and you get something accomplished. My first had nursing issues that required a LOT of work. Everyone who visited wanted to hold her so I could “get stuff done.”

      By day 5, I broke down sobbing because I never got to just cuddle her. I always had to *do* stuff to/with her, and everyone else got the cuddles.

      So just check where Mom is with that, and offer accordingly.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Oh, and those are home presents, not hospital presents. I didn’t want anything brought to the hospital.

        And really, bear in mind that between the bleeding and the milk and the spitup/pooping, anything you bring to the hospital is likely to get drenched in body fluids.

        1. Clisby*

          I didn’t even want visitors at the hospital with my two. I was so tired I had no interest in having to interact with anyone but my husband.

    18. Jackalope*

      Not a mom but have lots of mom friends so this is based on what they have told me. First of all, clothing in multiple sizes (through a year old or so); bonus if it is weather appropriate (i.e., not buying lots of 6 mo shorts for a baby who will be 6 months old in December in Minnesota, that kind of thing; if you aren’t sure then basics like onesies). A boppy pillow has been beloved by my nursing friends.

      And for things to do, depending on how close you are… When my sister had her first baby I went to their house while everyone was still in the hospital and cleaned things up. Nothing huge, but washed the dishes (which had gotten left bcs oh my gosh there’s a BABY coming!!!), vacuumed, cleaned out the cat box, etc. The night they came home from the hospital I went to a local pasta place and got us all some pasta (I think I stayed with them that night or something since I love too far away to drive home that late.) A few weeks later I came back and did some deep cleaning (taking everything off the shelves and dusting it, etc.), so they wouldn’t have to do those things for a few months. All of this was cleared with my sis beforehand, so ymmv, but it worked out well.

    19. Nita*

      Maybe bring chocolate and snacks? I found it really hard to stay awake most of the night when baby wanted to eat. Chocolate helped. I was also hungry alllll the time, including at night when obviously no one is serving lunch. I was lucky that my hospital had a fridge with leftover lunch sandwiches, but if they hadn’t, I’d have really needed a snack stash.

      1. Parenthetically*

        The night-shift nurses in the postpartum ward at my hospital were SUCH lovely people, and not only stashed the leftovers of the Thai food someone brought me, but reheated it at 2 am so I could eat it while feeding the baby. It was heaven. God bless those nurses.

    20. Washi*

      Thanks so much y’all! I so appreciate your ideas and also the kindliness of these posts – a lot of stuff online was like “ugh, if you MUST intrude on the mother, don’t you DARE think that she will even smile at you, you must come bringing 3 days of food, do all the chores, and then leave without making eye contact, she doesn’t care about seeing your stupid face.” I guess people have had very very bad experience with visitors, but I felt like I was being pre-shamed for things I hadn’t even done yet!

      Anyway, I stopped by the hospital for about 20 minutes yesterday and admired the baby, heard a bit about the birth, dropped off smooties, cookies, and fruit, and took home flowers that my friend had gotten from her mom and didn’t want to have to deal with while also getting the baby home.

      I was glad to see all the breakfast suggestions, because I really hate cooking but don’t mind baking, so it will be much easier for me to show up with muffins and breads and other things like that. What I really love is cleaning, so I’ve already offered to do lots of that for her, and I’ll probably bring over some of the other items suggested here whenever I come. Thank you!

    21. Alexandra Lynch*

      I needed someone to be a second me. So someone to either actually clean up the kitchen or run a load of laundry, OR to hold the baby while I took a shower, or to babysit while I got a solid four hours of sleep one afternoon so I didn’t totally melt down. (My husband was a trucker, so I had no help at all.)

    22. Meepmeep*

      Cooking and cleaning would probably top the list as “actions”. I basically stayed in bed for a week after giving birth. And I had an easy birth, comparatively. Any sort of practical help would have been invaluable.

      If I had a friend like you at the time my daughter was born, I’d love you forever.

  15. Loopy*

    I finished Carnival Row this week and really liked it. It was right up my alley- fantasy but not super high fantasy (a la Lord of the Rings). While I’d love to hear if others liked or disliked it as well, I’m posting because I loved the music throughout the show, especially the snippets of the fairy songs we got. I went looking for a soundtrack only to find a compilation of modern day music. I realized I guess what I want is…a score? Does anyone know if such a thing exists or if there’s any way to get the music actually IN the show, even just the theme song?

    On that note, the soundtrack baffles me. Its so far removed from our world, I don’t get how any modern day songs really go with the show, but maybe that’s just me.

    1. Lilo*

      I was initially interested but turned off by the reviews and later previews. Maybe I will give it a try.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m really glad I stayed away from reviews- they can really dim my excitement and bias me against something even if I try and keep an open mind. I’d definitely recommend it.

    2. KarenK*

      I have one more episode to go. Really like it, but, honestly, it’s so dark! I’m not talking about the subject matter, but the actual lighting! Half the time I can barely see the actors. The fairy music is lovely, I agree.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      I liked the show as I’m really into fantasy and steampunk, though I thought Orlando Bloom kind of skulked through a lot of the scenes he was in. Granted, partly that was his character, but still it was an awful lot of skulking and brooding!

      Loved the look of the Fey when they fly. The Puck characters look a bit weird w/the ram horns sometimes. I felt the final episode had so many twists and turns that it seemed rushed a bit, or some storylines could’ve resolved in the previous episode and not all at once.

      1. Loopy*

        It was a lot, but now that you mention it, I wonder if his character will develop and change a bit given how the season ended. Trying to be vague and avoid spoilers but I’m hoping he’ll become at least a little different.

        I loved everything about the Fey! I really just loved it all. I agree it could have been a 10 episode season quite easily but if they were constrained to 8 episodes they did pretty well for that.

  16. It’s All Good*

    I have about 120 concert and baseball tickets I’d like to frame in poster size frames. Has anyone done this before? If so, any tips? I’d like to preserve them so they will not fade.

    Also, I have about 25 tickets that are printed from a printer. Any ideas on what do so with these? TIA

    1. WS*

      If the tickets are from a thermal printer, they will fade or (depending on the paper) go completely dark. You may want to make copies for display. Otherwise, you can buy acid-free mounts, frames and UV-protective glass pretty easily.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You can search for archival framing materials. It gets spendy. But maybe it will give you some ideas that you will actually implement. We have a high end craft store near us that offers archival pens, papers, glues and tapes, etc.

      Once it’s framed, keep it away from direct sunlight. I have an embroidered American Flag here. It’s in a frame with glass. I know better than to take it apart for any reason. However, both growing up and now, I have managed to keep the picture in the entrance way to my house on the same wall as the door. This means no day light is shining right on it because there are no other windows. The picture has lived in a darker area of my homes for over 50 years. People comment on how great the colors still look. Sunlight is a real killer. Put a newspaper on the front seat of your car and leave it there all day then you will see what I mean.

      1. It’s All Good*

        Thanks for the tips! I really want what’s best, even if it means I spend more. I want me first row DMB ticket to live forever!

    3. Llellayena*

      If you’re able to spend on custom framing, I’d go that route. Ask for acid free matting and UV resistant glass. And don’t hang it on a sunny wall…

      1. Reba*

        You can get not-custom frames with UV protective glass from art supply stores such as Blick or Utrecht.

        I often buy and assemble my own from a supplier like American Frame dot com… But I have some experience with this.

        For mounting, an acid free back board (mat board or foam core–could be fun to do a colored mat board) and use a spray adhesive or stick on photo corners or glue dots. Get archival products not like scrapbook grade (no disrespect meant, just that stuff in the Michael’s scrapbook aisle or whatever is often overpriced for the quality).

        Agree with WS about reproductions of the tickets, though.

        Sounds like a great project!

      2. It’s All Good*

        I thought about saving for custom framing. But honestly I can see myself shift all the tickets around a million times. Although I suppose I can do that and take a picture for the framer.

    4. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I think most of the others are right, but my low-cost DIY approach would honestly be collage. Get some Mod Podge and some poster frames, and just decoupage them directly onto the cardboard that comes with the frames. You totally cover the tickets, front and back, but it dries clear so it should prevent them from fading (though I’d test a couple first in case the mod podge does something weird to thermal paper), maybe google some decoupage tips, but that’s what I would do!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Test that first! Some printers use cheap tech that can be destroyed by innocuous things. I once used a highlighter to mark the warranty item on a receipt and it turned black in days. Lucky for me that drier didn’t die within warranty!

      2. It’s All Good*

        Thanks. Yes I plan to rest whatever method I use. I saved some Fair tickets that I won’t be framing but are the same type of tickets.

    5. taylor swift*

      krylon preserve-it spray (I bought from amazon) – it sprays a protective coating over the paper to keep it from fading. i’ve used it for photos that were printed on cardstock and they’ve lasted for the past 3 years without fading – I’ve added several each year to the collection and the quality from the ones done three years ago look the same as the new ones

    6. It’s All Good*

      What do you think is more interesting, a mash up of concerts or placing them in date order or by group, like my eight U2 tickets together but random group order or alpha group order?

    7. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      I have about 25 tickets that are printed from a printer.

      Are you talking about print-at-home tickets? No advice on how to display them, but I’d definitely suggest saving the PDF image, if you still have it. I have season tickets to my local MLB team, and even though I use the digital tickets through my phone to get into the ballpark, I have PDFs of every print-at-home ticket just because I like having ’em.

      (Unfortunately, my team will no longer offer print-at-home tickets starting next season. Apparently MLB wants all of the teams to go digital, but this is a misguided move for many reasons. Won’t get into ’em here because I don’t want to disrupt the thread.)

      Regarding reader WS’ comment…

      If the tickets are from a thermal printer, they will fade or (depending on the paper) go completely dark.

      In 2000, there was a short-lived ATM-type kiosk located in malls that sold tickets to sporting events. I bought a ticket to a ballgame through one of those kiosks, partially because I wanted to see what the ticket looked like.

      In 2012, I made an enhanced scan of the ticket stub and posted the image online. Even enhanced, the printed part of the ticket was very faint – on the actual ticket, the printed part was virtually illegible! This was 12 years after the ticket was printed, and I can only wonder what it looks like now, in 2019 (I’ve got it put away somewhere – if I want to look at it, all I need to do is see the scanned image.)

  17. Angwyshaunce*

    I mentioned upthread that I’m starting to learn video game programming. Does anyone want to share an interesting skill that they are either trying to learn, or want to learn?

    1. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      I want to learn to sing on tune. I got an app, but finding time to walk around singing “laaaaa” without getting strange looks from spouse and kids has been difficult

      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Ooh does the app specifically help train your voice or is it just a tuner and you’re trying to match the note? (Not trying to come off judgy/dismissive if it’s the second one, genuinely curious) I’ve always wanted to be able to sing, I never considered there might be an app for that.

        1. Just a Guy in A Cube*

          Sing True for iOS. It starts with the basics – listen to notes and identify higher/lower. Identify your most comfortable pitch, and practice singing that regularly. It gamification things, so as you can do those excel uses consistently, it adds more. I haven’t gotten much beyond those basics, so can’t speak to where it gets to.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        You know that video game Guitar Hero? I know somebody who used it to practice his trombone. You could use it for anything it’s just pitch!

      3. Julia*

        I started singing lessons last year (mostly to improve my range, but also to keep my voice healthy) and if that’s something you might consider and it’s in your budget, it can be really interesting! The teacher won’t judge you (if they do, find another one) and might help you within a few lessons if there’s something that prevents you from being on pitch, like maybe your production doesn’t follow your hearing.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      As for a skill… I’ve always loved reading out loud, so my husband has gotten the software and a good of a headphone with microphone for me, and I’m going to experiment making audiobook recordings. I expect the biggest problem is going to be the 12 year old snearing into the room and suddenly saying ‘CATS!” because she does that to me lots if I use speech to text.

    3. LizB*

      I signed up for a beginning wheel-throwing pottery class — it won’t take place for a couple of months, but I’m so excited about it!

      1. fposte*

        Ooh, report back on how you like it when you start. I love pottery. The Great Pottery Throwdown (which I heard about on AAM from Rana) has some episodes on YouTube now–if you haven’t watched it, you might want to have a look.

    4. CherryScary*

      Calligraphy! The reddit community has a ton of resources and lessons for different hand styles and I’ve discovered there’s a calligraphy society that meets once a month down the road from me! Their next meeting is next week, so going to go check that out.

    5. Nessun*

      Posted down thread, I’m learning Tarot reading – totally fascinating investigation of the psyche and personal intuition. Definitely weirding out some of my family and friends, but I’m very much enjoying it!

      1. Tau*

        I learned a bit of tarot shortly after I graduated high school and have been thinking about getting back into it as something of a self-analysis tool. It’s definitely fun, although I know what you mean about weirding out family and friends – I am from a super rational/science-y family and had to reassure them I didn’t actually believe I was foretelling the future or anything.

    6. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I don’t know how you feel about Yahtzee Crowshaw (entirely reasonable to hate him) but he has a youtube series I’ve been really enjoying where he’s committed to creating one video game a month for 12 months. He shares a lot about how he approaches structuring the games, and a lot of it are really fun and interesting ways he approaches specific things – how to animate a character walking so it looks good, how to do an easy day/night cycle, how he fixed this issue with the computer keeping beat with songs improperly in a rhythm game, that kind of thing. Really interesting! Warning, if you’ve never watched a Yahtzee video, he swears a lot.
      https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAbMhAYRuCUibhDtVUn3WJnHojS2uSNPD

      1. Angwyshaunce*

        Thank you so much for sharing! I’ve never heard of him, but will definitely check it out. Funny you should mention character animation – that is my next thing to learn.

        I found a blog where someone is doing something similar – they are trying to recreate the original Legend of Zelda using the graphic assets from Link to the Past, showing and explaining each painful step. Link (no pun intended) to follow.

    7. JobHunter*

      I have dabbled in R programming for a few years, and now would like to learn spatial analysis. I would also like to learn how to program a robot vacuum so it swears mild curses when it bumps into things. (I found a video on YouTube.)

    8. Meepmeep*

      I’m attempting to learn Biblical Hebrew. Not religious at all, just fascinated with the time period and the history and the language.

  18. Françoise*

    Time to put away my summer clothes! I’m keeping a few colorful pieces to brighten up my winter wardrobe which is mostly black/brown/white. So my question is: how do you store clothes that are out of season for 6+ months?

    Our apartment is too small and has no space for storing anything other than what we use almost daily. However, we have a storage unit in the cellar of the building. It’s gonna be our first winter here so I haven’t fully tested how it is but it didn’t seem to get damp and no mold spotted so far.

    I had the winter clothes down there in suitcases (some hard shell, some soft shell, some waterproof plastic) but I’m starting to wonder if I should buy those vacuum compress bags first and put the cubes into the suitcases. Any thoughts?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Depending on space, I use those plastic totes you can get in Home Depot, Lowes, Walmart, etc. If they’re going in a closet I use the stackable ones. Otherwise I use the under-the-bed ones and store them under the bed. I’ve never had any issues at all.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Sorry. just noticed you mentioned basement storage. I haven’t done that with clothing, but I would think plastic totes would be fine. I haven’t tried the vacuum bags for anything.

        1. Fikly*

          If there’s any chance your basement storage might flood, make sure the bins are waterproof! (Don’t ask about my sad experience.)

          1. fposte*

            Oh, no! My area floods aren’t deep, but seepage is pretty common, so I definitely try to keep stuff off the floor proper. I used wood pallets, which are pretty easy to find for free in my area, until I got metal shelves, and there were definitely a few times when I was glad I did.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              Industrial metal shelves from Home Depot were invaluable for organizing our basement and garage. They aren’t pretty, but they are functional and inexpensive, and they will keep your boxes up off the ground.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      Buy the vacuum bags. Even if it isn’t to compress things but just to keep stuff out. Things in storage acquire a smell and attract insects. Maybe even put a scent neutralizer/deodorizer or bug repellent in the cases.

      1. Grace*

        Vacuum bags are great. I use them to bundle up winter duvets to store on top of wardrobes. Get good-quality ones, though, and be incredibly careful to not rip them.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Agree on the vacuum bags. Just be careful not to bend them after compressing, or they might unseal themselves.
        Lavender is very good bug repellent, and prevents a musty odor. Even if you don’t like lavender scent, it’s a lot easier to get rid of lavender than musty smells. I recommend it wherever you keep your winter woolens, too, both in season and in storage.

    3. Overeducated*

      I use a soft fabric container under the bed since my current apartment has no external storage (*sob*), but when I had it, I used big plastic tupperwares. That kept bugs, dust, and moisture out.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      I recommend the vacuum bags if space is tight, or if you live in a damp climate. For the latter, I make sure the clothes are really dry first (running the dehumidifier in the same room over night), then pack them, which keeps the clothes from smelling musty the following spring.

      I’ve still got another month or two before I can pack stuff away, though.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Yep, for basement storage I’d definitely go with the vacuum bags — they protect against damp and bugs SO much better, and you’ll almost certainly have some issues with damp over winter.

    6. fposte*

      I do vacuum bags in a plastic storage tote, so I like your idea of vacuum bag and then into the suitcase. Extra barriers are good.

    7. Not A Manager*

      If you’re concerned about dampness, buy some desiccant packs and put them into the bins. You can get fairly large quantities online. The packs vary in size from tiny to large, so be sure you’re getting the right size.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        THIS. I lost some cloth mementos that were packed into a cookie tin on a day that wasn’t even very humid–all mildewed.

    10. Alexandra Lynch*

      I had a very small house for years, and stored my out-of-season clothing under the bed in a low flat plastic tote. It had wheels so I could pull it out and push it back. (I had several; that was also where the spare sheets for the bed were, and the extra blankets.)

  19. Valancy Snaith*

    I finally got the call to write my Canadian citizenship test Thursday! I’m very excited and a bit nervous, and I’ll be very glad when it’s over.

    6. Snarflepants*

      Most excellent! Canada is very lucky to have you as a new citizen.
      Remember, its traditional to bring either a lacrosse or hockey stick to the citizenship test. Also, you have to say “Oh yeah, no, for sure Eh?” during a conversation. Complete the day by visiting Tim Hortons and ordering g a double double coffee with a box of Timbits.

    7. Roz Doyle*

      I am three days late to this, but hoping you’ll see this anyway. Congrats and Good Luck on Thursday! Agree with all others, this def calls for a double-double :D. Let us know how it went! :)

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Oh I’d love to do this! I have the book and tried it on my own years ago, did not get far, sadly.

      1. Hazy days*

        Great! I’m hoping we’re a little group ready to start Week 1 today, but copies of the book may not have arrived.

        Do you have your book ready to go?

    2. greenthumb*

      Hi. Doggone it, good news and bad news. Good news is the book arrived. Bad news is Amazon packed it in a flimsy envelope that burst a corner, book got greasy/oily in transit, and I’m waiting on a replacement, which the supervisor wouldn’t let the CSR expedite.

      I’m sorry! The replacement won’t ship until midweek apparently and I wrapped the original in some clean rags and sent it back, so nothing to peek at in the interim.

      1. Hazy days*

        Oh – what a disappointment for you! I was wondering what had happened.

        But we do now have YouWantMeTo to join our little group of people wanting to explore their creativity, so that’s good.

        SO
        YouWant, Green and Hazy will get ready to Artists Way, and so will anyone else who wants to join.

        For people who haven’t come across it, this is an approach to unblocking creativity using a workbook by a well-known writer called Julia Cameron. It is both quite eccentric and (in my experience) ridiculously successful, if you actually throw yourself into her mindset. You need about 30 mins per day, time for your ‘Artists’ Date’ each week, and time to reflect on your week.

        To get going, we need Artists’ Way Books found / ordered/ sorted out by Evil Amazon. Exercise books and pens selected for the morning pages exercise.
        If we get going before the end of Sept, we’ll be through the ten week course by Christmas.

        I have already been doing morning pages (3 pages of freehand mind blurt onto paper in the morning, to be thrown away unread) and today I took myself on a terrific Artist’s Date, to see a ceramics exhibition at a local gallery.

  21. CoffeeforLife*

    Does anyone brew water kefir? I’ve been doing it for a while now and one of my bottles exploded, sending glass into three different rooms. I am looking for bottles that withstand a second carbonation (it was a swing top that went boom).

  22. Dog fights*

    Any suggestions for dogs not getting along about once or twice a week? We have 2 dogs, each about 8 pounds, different breeds. Dog 1 was 5 years old when we got Dog 2 (who was 13 years old at the time of adoption). For the most part they’ve been fine with each other until 3 or 4 months ago. Dog 1 attacks 2 at no apparent provocation. We feed them separately. The fights are not about toys, food. Dog 1 will be in the living room, on the couch with me. Dog 2 will walk in from a bedroom husband is in and walk across the living room. They make brief eye contact. (As a human I cannot read anything aggressive in Dog 2’s eyes. She seems to be saying ‘hey. I’m a dog. Walking. How’s it going?). Dog 1 leaps off the couch and growls and instigates. Dog 2 stands her ground and growls back. Barking, growling and physical contact ensue. We separate them as fast as we can and put Dog 2 in a time out (another room with a baby gate). We check them for injuries and nothing yet thank goodness.
    We’ve tried obedience classes with both of them but so far no luck. They go to day camp and play with other dogs. When they are crated together at day camp (they do this after 5pm until I pick them up at 6:30) they have no problems. They have no problems with other dogs or each other at day camp.

    1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Any chance Dog 1 is developing arthritis? Dogs in pain will often reflexively lash out at the closest fellow creature if they don’t understand the source of the pain. Maybe they’re getting stiff while sleeping and get a sharp pain from looking up as someone enters the room? I’d schedule a vet visit to rule out anything physiological first.

    2. university minion*

      Get dog 2 (the one being attacked) evaluated for seizures. They can be almost imperceptible to humans yet be enough to provoke another dog to attack.

      It may (just as likely) be dog 1 asserting his claim to space over the older dog, particularly if there is warning behavior like growling/barking. I’d also restrict dog 1 from the couch and institute a “Nothing in Life is Free” policy with him or both dogs – ie, sit/do a behavior for meals, attention, etc.

      1. T minus a year*

        I second this. Get both dogs checked out at the vet. We had two dogs that got along great until they didn’t. Then one was diagnosed with seizures (probably a brain tumor), the other developed Cushing’s Disease. Our vet thought each dog might have realized something was off about the other.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I was going to say the same thing. One of my dogs started attacking the other for no reason. Took the attacked dog to the vet for a check-up and found out she had cancer. She didn’t live very long afterward. My other one got sick within three months and died also. I think she mostly grieved herself to death. Sorry, I realize how horrible this sounds and this may not have any bearing on what’s going on with your dogs, but a vet visit couldn’t hurt.

    3. Venus*

      Physical issues and pain are always good to rule out but if it is only happening in this one scenario then behavioural is likely the reason. If it is this one situation then it isn’t random.

      How long were they okay? How old is dog2 now? It could be that dog2 has vision issues (common in old dogs) and no longer gives dog1 the right cues (for example looking away). If it is the situation where dog2 comes into a room where dog1 is cuddled with you, is it likely that dog1 is protecting you? Is dog2 intending to get on the couch with you? Does it happen every time this situation occurs?

      Definitely consider the physical but this seems behavioural although it’s very hard to give suggestions with so little info, sorry.

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Do you know dog language well enough to tell a play growl from a growl growl? One of our beasts sounded like a whole dog fight when she played. If they haven’t hurt each other, maybe it’s because they aren’t trying to?

    5. anonagain*

      Have you tried working with a certified behaviorist? That would be my next step, personally. I really wouldn’t wait to consult an expert in person, because the longer the behavior continues the harder it will be to break and the greater the possibility that one of your dogs will get hurt.

      This post from vet behaviorist Jen Summerfield talks a bit about what obedience classes are useful for and what they don’t really help with: http://www.drjensdogblog.com/when-obedience-isnt-the-answer/

      She also talks about how to find a behaviorist. If you do go this route, please make sure that the person you are working with uses humane training methods.

    6. Dog fights OP*

      Thank you all for your thoughts. Dog 1 is 8 years old. Dog 2 is 16. They have both been to the vet in the past month for their checkups and shots. They’ve found nothing amiss. We have had dog 2 for 3 years and dog 1 for 7.5 years.

      We will be on the lookout for any health issues for both dogs. Dog 2 def could have vision issues. She is not blind but looks like she has cataracts. Dog 2 is def slowing down, not jumping as high, a bit more clumsy compared to 3 years ago. But then if I were her age I prob wouldn’t be jumping around at all.

      They play together very well so the attacks are def not playing. When they play it has a cute bouncy vibe with lots of pauses, growls with gentle pouncing, and tail wagging. This is a different timbre of growl.

    7. Animal worker*

      Agree with the vet checks. A couple other thoughts from your description. You mention that you don’t think this is about toys/food, but it sounds like it could still be resource-guarding of you, if it happens frequently when dog 1 is with you when this occurs. Also, if dog 1 is the instigator, timing out dog 2 may not be the best response since a time out is a form of negative punishment to try and change behavior, and the dog being punished wasn’t the instigator.

      The good news is that you have a pattern to work with which might give you some tools to mitigate this. You know that if dog 1 is on the couch with you and dog 2 enters that this may spur an incident. So maybe have some treat containers near the couch and if you’re with dog 1 and dog 2 enters, tell dog 1 to stay/target/handshake or whatever – basically a trained behavior that is done on the couch with you to give dog 1 a choice – stay with mom and do a behavior to get treats or jump down and instigate a fight. So you are intervening BEFORE the aggression to give dog 1 a different behavioral choice. You could also begin pairing dog 2 entering with a training session/playtime/small feeding for the dogs so that both being in the same room in this context means something fun versus aggression. It’s easier to teach an animal TO do something than it is to NOT do something, so replacing the negative behavior (before it occurs whenever possible) can be a great strategy. Good luck.

      1. Dog fight OP*

        Oh. Thanks for pointing out my typo. Dog 1 goes to the time out room. Dog 2 does not. We try to encourage dog 2 to stay in the living room and try to reassure her that is a welcome part of the family.

        But will def try to associate Dog 2’s presence in the living room as a good thing for dog 1 by giving them both treats and praise.

      2. fposte*

        Yes, the fact that dog 1 is in a very high value location and next to you when she gets aggressive strongly suggests resource guarding–she’s saying “Don’t even think you can get *near* any of this.”

        And I heartily second the notion of giving dog 1 job when dog 2 comes in, both so she can get good associations and be refocused on you.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I’m not a dog trainer, but have you considered proactively calling Dog 2 over to you when you are sitting with Dog 1, so that you can hold 1’s collar/pet them both/generally manage their interaction? If you’re holding the collar when 1 starts growling, then you can soothe 1 and redirect him when 2 joins you.

    9. Critter*

      It could be related to Dog 2’s age. Our vet warned us about that, and I’m starting to see it as one of our dogs gets older. If the older one’s eyesight or hearing isn’t as good as it used to be, she may be missing “hey, back off” signals from the younger dog that she used to be happy to obey. Then, when the older one (accidentally) plows through the younger one’s stated boundaries, the younger one interprets that as unprovoked aggression. Meanwhile, the older one has no idea what they did, so they also interpret the younger dog’s actions as unprovoked aggression. Do check with your vet, they’ll probably want to make sure both dogs are healthy.

  23. LGC*

    So I’m just going to launch into the running thread for the first time in ages.

    Anyway. It’s the start of (meteorological) fall where I’m at, and the start of the fall racing season here. First up for me is…5th Avenue Mile tomorrow. It’ll be my first time doing it, and I’m hoping I can break 4:40 this time! (My last two mile races were 4:55 (the same day I ran a 10k) and 4:43 (after coming down with a fever and sore throat the day before), so I’m hoping I can pull this off!)

    The main event for me is the NYC Marathon again. I’m about three weeks in to official training right now, although I ran through the summer. So far, training has been up and down, but hopefully things get back on track.

    (Also, pacing a half, racing at least one half, and probably slipping in something else along the way.)

    So yeah! What are you guys up to?

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      My plantar fasciitis is 99.8 percent gone but the 0.2 percent that’s left is stubbornly hanging on. I’m slowly increasing my weekend mileage, but out of an abundance of caution, won’t be running another half marathon this year.

      I think I can totally swing a 10K, though, and I very much want to run one before the end of the year, to show to myself that I’ve come back from injury. Unfortunately, I’ve only found three interesting ones all fall and they’re on September 21 and October 26, both days I have work commitments I can’t get out of. I’m disappointed to see that 10K appears to be a declining distance. There appear to me to be more halfs and many more 5Ks–but significantly fewer 10Ks–in 2019 than when I started running at the start of the 2000s. It sort of feels like going to a Ford dealership and being offered the choice between a base Mustang with a 90-horsepower four cylinder engine and a GT Mustang with a 450-horsepower V8, and nothing available in between.

      1. A bit of a saga*

        Plantar fasciitis, urgh! I’m also battling it. Have made some progress with stretches, icing and a massage ball (and less mileage) but would love to hear what worked for you. I’m also passing on 10ks until 2020 but here there seem to be plenty of 10ks – hoping to be ready for my neighborhood race in 2 weeks but if not there are more. And LGC, go go go on getting under 4:40!

        1. fposte*

          I had good luck with eccentric exercises on the stairs and brilliant luck with the FootLog. The stretches made mine much worse.

          1. A bit of a saga*

            I have never heard of a footlog, might check it out! I also make those exercises, they definitely help.

            1. fposte*

              You can see it on Amazon. I think it really varies for people, but for some of us it’s sheer magic. It’s pretty clear from other stuff that I respond well to approaches that reset things neurologically, which is pretty much what this does, rather than focusing completely on stretching and strengthening.

        2. Fikly*

          Plantar fascitis is the worst! I have only had a mild case, but my mom’s was pretty nasty. She ended up with a newly developed treatment that she says worked wonders, and I always like to mention it because most people haven’t heard about it. Apparently it works for some and not for others, like most things, alas.

          It’s super powerful ultrasound, essentially. Not the kind you get in physical therapy, this has to be done in a doctor’s office. It takes about 5 minutes, hurts when they do it (sorry) and you can need 1-3 treatments per foot. As I recall, most insurance won’t cover it, but it was under $500 for 1 treatment for both feet, and she only ended up needing the one. Obviously this is over some people’s budgets, but is not that much more than custom orthotics.

          I’m not going to include a link, but google percutaneous ultrasonic fasciotomy and plantar fascitis and it should come up. My mom had it done several years ago and her pain is still much better than before.

        3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Stretching exercises and reducing my mileage (actually, completely stopping running for three weeks, then running drastically less mileage and gradually rebuilding up) worked. Getting fitted for the proper running shoes for my feet — instead of just buying from a big-box store — also had to have helped. The thing that helped the most were 3/4-length orthotics. Oddly, they were not the ones my podiatrist recommended, but the ones my wife’s podiatrist recommended for *her* feet.

          I had mixed results with the ice bottle my podiatrist recommended; on some days, that seemed to make things worse.

          1. A bit of a saga*

            I also stopped for a couple of weeks and got some insoles for my normal shoes, though not for my running shoes. It got much better but lately it’s worse again (though I am still running very little). Will check out the other suggestions in this thread I haven’t tried yet.

      2. LGC*

        They ARE fairly hard to find, though! I think you’re on to something – the 10k distance is being cannibalized by both the 5k and half, since a lot of people want to just jump up to a challenge after their first 5k, and a half marathon sounds more impressive.

        Plus, it is MUCH easier to organize a 5k, since you have half the distance you need to set aside, marshall, and so on. (And less than half the time you need the roads for.)

        I’m not sure how I feel about it – even if I don’t love the 10k (or rather, it doesn’t love me), I’m all for different distances. (Obviously.)

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I do understand that it’s harder than ever for race organizers to put on a race, and considering all the constraints, they have to do what will attract the most people. But, still, it’s disappointing for sure.

          There is a donut-themed 5K happening on Randall’s Island in November, and I’m dying to do it because I LOVE donuts (which would explain why I can’t break two hours in a half marathon anymore), but… it’s a 5K! 90 minutes of travel time each way — plus the normal time standing around before a race, which honestly I don’t much like, to run for 30 minutes. The math doesn’t add up for me. I asked the organizers if they’d consider a 10K in the future and got a lukewarm response… oh well.

    2. Searching*

      My Achilles tendon is acting up a bit (even though I’ve had a very low mileage summer) so I’m taking it easy. Just running 3-4 miles with my running group twice a week. Tried different shoes but that hasn’t done much for me yet. Doing some stretching and eccentric movement on the advice of a PT. Hope it resolves soon.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Also – good luck in Fifth Avenue Mile, LGC! It’s over basically as soon as it starts but it’s still a cool race!

      1. LGC*

        Thanks! I have noticed that no matter what the distance, 3/4 of the way through I’m usually like, “Do I HAVE to go the other 1/4?”

    4. Ktelzbeth*

      I had my last triathlon of the season, a sprint distance, this morning. I felt a little short of zip on the bike and was wondering if I was still tired from my hilly Olympic last weekend, but then the run was great. I was awarded first in my age group, because the two people ahead of me were pulled out for second and third overall.

      I’m not running the local fall marathon tomorrow and am trying to put together my fall lineup. I know I’ll do Newton Hills trail race, 10k option, in October. I’ll miss this month’s race in the trail series because of work.

      Good healing to all who are injured, stay healthy to those who are not, and good luck to everyone!

    6. JobHunter*

      The snapping hip business is sorting out; I can walk normally with minimal discomfort. We have been taking long walks on the gravel roads a few miles outside of town. Hopefully I can start trotting around the city parks and get back on the C25k plan…

    7. LGC*

      Update: 4:51, but at least part of that was being far back and with the guys running 6:00. (Also: I’m a musicphile, but seriously dudes, you got your AirPods in for a mile race?)

      Also, I almost thought I lost my glasses, biked back up to Grand Army Plaza from Penn…and then I realized they were in one of my pockets and I just didn’t feel them the first time.

    8. londonedit*

      Well done on the mile race!

      No parkrun for me this week as my parents were visiting, but yesterday morning I headed out with a friend for a lovely 10-mile run. We have our local half-marathon coming up in three weeks’ time so we ran various bits of the course, and I was pretty pleased with our pacing and with how I felt at the end. My goal for this race is always just to enjoy the fantastic atmosphere and enjoy running with friends, so I’m probably going to start slowly on the day and see how I feel. There are a few hills on the way round that make pacing interesting! I think my course PB is something like 2:05 so if I can run close to that I’ll be happy (pace yesterday was 9:30/mile for the 10 miles).

  24. Oh here we go*

    I am on a train to go visit my in-laws for my mum-in-law’s birthday. I adore her. But his sister who is just awful is going to be there! Any tips for surviving the weekend with a vapid self-centered cow who has to one-up everyone including her own mum and makes everything about her.

    She complained when her mum brought her boyfriend of 2 years to our wedding. Because she didn’t like the boyfriend and insisted her mum only brought her to upset her. We specifically invited the boyfriend to OUR wedding. Thats how bad she is. And every time I see her she asks why I am not pregnant yet. Ugh.

    1. Lemonish*

      It helps me, in difficult social situations, to pretend that I’m an anthropologist studying the weird habits of an unusual group of people. That way, I have an emotional and mental barrier between me and my “subjects”. I also amuse myself by thinking about what I’d write in a report. (“The dominant female seems insistent about making sure that the group survives in the future. She has asked each coupled female a minimum of three times when they plan to have offspring.”)

      Basically, my advice is to minimise the amount of time you spend near her and remember that everything is her weird stuff and not your problem to solve, worry about, or feel bad about. Good responses to unwanted questions (in a tone of absolute curiosity): “Why do you ask?” “How soon do you think we should have kids?” “Why does it matter to you?”

      1. valentine*

        If she’s not going to physically assault anyone and it’s any fun, one-up her right back, with obvious lies about how you invented the Moon and are the landlord of Buckingham Palace.

        SIL: Why aren’t you pregnant yet?
        You: Waiting on you. (Don’t elaborate. Maybe singsong and winking.)

        1. Oh here we go*

          I love the waiting on you!

          So I survived the weekend. To be fair he has 4 sisters and 3 are fabulous and I do love my in-laws. Its just her.

          I have told her in the past not to ask and that we will tell her if anything ever changes but I think she feels like she is encouraging us. It only came up once when she was talking about moving away unless we plan on having a kid soon so she can be an auntie and I told her I would help her pack.

          I did limit my interaction with her as much as possible so it went alright. The idea of imagining her (and a few others) as test subjects really did help. That is absolute gold. Makes it so much easier not to take it personally.

      2. peg*

        I actually do this too but I pretend to be a psychologist and I’m mentally writing a case study on my awful narcissist sister in law. Detaching from her personally helps me to stop being so affected by her nastiness; I can just observe it and dissect it in my head and feel like I have the upper hand. It helps me ignore her pointed little digs and her attempts to rile everyone up by pushing their most sensitive buttons and cutting them down and her gaslighting. Her signature move is quietly saying the cruelest thing possible, waiting for a reaction, denying she ever said anything, and loudly following up with “why are you so ANGRY and sensitive all the time? you really should see a therapist, you are just so full of anger, it can’t be healthy for you.”
        My mental case study on her has to be about 3,000 pages by now.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Have you told her to stop asking about your pregnancy status? People like this need clear and direct instructions.
      While you might not ever speak to anyone else this way, your SIL opened the door for whatever, so give her instructions, “No and stop asking.”

      And dial back your own thoughts. Calling her a cow is not going to help you get along with her better. It’s like throwing gas on a fire. While you may be justified in being angry with her, hammering on why you are justified will only make things worse not better. I know when I got going on calling someone “that stupid idiot” or whatever, it just helped me to find even more ways to get more angry. I started looking even harder at what they were doing and I kept stirring my own pot.

      This person is who she is. Teach yourself to expect nothing from this person and you will have less surprises when they do… nothing…
      Focus on enjoying your MIL. Let MIL handle her daughter or not, as she wishes. Don’t try to fix it. We don’t get to pick our in-laws, even though we SHOULD be able to do that! If need be, conspire with your hubby to take breaks for your SIL by going for walks or making a grocery store run, etc. Perhaps the two of you can go for lunch with just your MIL. Deliberately plan workarounds and take control of how much time you have to be near this person.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      If you can pull this off, smile like an angel and say sweetly, “Oh, that [pregnancy] is up to [insert name of higher authority].” However, you have to have a reputation for being at least somewhat religiously inclined. I suppose I was lucky in that on the only time I tried this, it succeeded–with an acquaintance whom I knew was active in their congregation and who understood me to be similarly involved with mine.

      BUT: Not So NewReader’s suggestion sounds much more effective for all kinds of inquisitors. Simple and watertight with no room left for arguing.

      Nothing stops the hellbent, gonna-drive-a-tank-over-all-social-obstacles inquisitor except for one’s own ability to overlook, redirect, ignore, and/or firmly shut down further discussion. In the end it takes two to converse but we are not obliged to discuss sensitive-for-us subjects with every random so-and-so.

    4. MigratingCoconuts*

      Turn it back on her. No, but why do you keep asking? Is your self worth somehow tied into my uterus? Or beat her to it. Instead of saying Hi, how are you, say Hi, no we’re not pregnant. Or just tell her to ask her brother. Have fun with it! If you make it a game, it can be fun. As for one-upping everyone, don’t make eye-contact with her while she’s blathering on, and when she stops to draw breath, say to your MIL (or whoever was speaking) So tell me more about xyz, or something along those lines. Or be more direct, such as, What were you saying before Cruella interrupted? Overall, just keep in mind that she has some serious self esteem issues, and feel sorry for her. She’s probably not a happy person.

    5. LGC*

      …but tell us how you REALLY feel about your SIL!

      Okay, so. To be serious: think of it as just one weekend. You’re only stuck with her until Sunday! And if she gets overly annoying, excuse yourself if possible.

      If she asks about the occupation levels of your uterus, you can tell her that you don’t have plans and to not ask anymore. (Or you can be even more direct.)

    7. MatKnifeNinja*

      “When are you getting pregnant?”

      “When will you get a brain, sis?”

      With someone that ratchet, it would tough not laughing straight in her face.

    8. ..Kat..*

      Stay in a hotel. This will give you time away to decompress from it all. You can even go back to the hotel for a nap in the afternoon!

  25. Anon For This*

    Anyone had luck with asking a family member you care for dearly to cut way back on the daily updates about a family member you don’t talk to because you’re way happier with boundaries in place? I’m starting to dread phone calls for the near-inevitable “but enough about you, on to sibling’s many many problems.”

    Intellectually I grasp that this is what’s on her mind, a burden shared is a burden halved, etc. Emotionally it usually hits as either a request to somehow fix everything, or like being the supremely boring beige sheep whose life can never compare to the excitement of the black sheep.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      If you can’t come up with anything else, when they start talking about the sib you can say, “Oh my, look at the time, gotta go!”
      A burden shared is a burden perpetuated, in my opinion. I don’t do well with people who avoid action plans. I have been very off putting to some folks when I have pointed out, “This is the third time you have told me about this, so it sounds like you need an action plan here. Let’s talk about steps of action you can do starting today.”
      And suddenly the conversation will end. ha!

      I will say if you go the action plan route, you can expect to hear less and less from certain types of people.

      1. Acornia*

        Wow. You don’t sound terribly compassionate. Many, many people just need a listening ear because they process thoughts and emotions verbally. Not everyone needs an action plan like you.
        A good friend is one who understands that different people process differently, and don’t try to force action plans on people who don’t need that right then.
        Try compassion instead of action plans.

        1. Washi*

          I don’t think there’s anything wrong with setting limits on how much and often someone processes the same thing over and over. No one has the obligation to be a dumping ground for a friend or family member’s stress. And that’s a compassionate response – you don’t do anyone any favors by letting them vent over and over until you’re sick of it and dread seeing them.

          1. The Francher Kid*

            THIS. It took me years to learn that refusing to be someone’s emotional dumping ground did not mean that I was a bad person lacking in compassion. Especially when the person venting had no intention of doing anything about it except dumping all the bad energy on me.

            1. Beatrice*

              Yep! And some people need to be prompted to DO something about a problem. My husband used to vent to me about aches and pains without ever bothering to take a mild pain reliever. I set the boundary that any conversation about pain will start with me asking whether he’s taken any ibuprofen lately. Now he remembers to take it more often and I hear about aches and pains less often and am happy to commiserate or help him out with a muscle rub or distraction when the ibuprofen isn’t cutting it. He just didn’t independently think to solve his problem that way as he got older and started developing new aches and pains. :)

          2. Anon for This*

            My experience with verbal processors has largely been that it will be the exact same problems, over and over and over. In this particular case, I think it falls that way because dear relative believes drama relative will cut ties if they ever receive a hint of push back. (My usually patient spouse gave pushback, once, leading to the not talking (on their side) and “whew, this is so much nicer” (on mine).)

          3. Not So NewReader*

            Right on, Washi. I was that compassionate person for almost 30 years for one person and about 20 years for a second person. I heard the same stories over and over and over. Then I realized this was not compassion, this was enablement, because I had not drawn my lines. Just as OP says here when I was around these two, I failed to exist. It was all about their problems. They unloaded on me so that they could go back into the repetition, they would pick up a fresh load of upset and call me to dump off the next load of upset.

            In a typical example, the second person would call me frequently and each time it was two hours going over stuff they already told me. I knew I let it go on too long because once I said, “You already told me this”, the response was that I needed to shut up and listen. I am not their therapist. There are therapy models where a person repeats their upset over and over and eventually it diffuses the power of the upset. So it does help, I guess? I am not a qualified professional and my chances of exasperating the issues were probably pretty high.

            OP, I hope you see your own parallels here. I hope you are able to redirect toward a therapist. Some problems are not ours to solve.

            PS: FWIW, OP, I later found out that my two people had other people they were doing the same thing with. So it went like this, they would call me, dump off a load of problems, hang up with me and call SOMEONE ELSE! They lead that next person to believe that they too were the only person on earth that the caller could confide in. The next person also spent hours going over the same material. omg.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      “You would need to talk to $BlackSheep about that” in a dull tone and on repeat has worked for me in the past.

      Sympathy, though. It’s hard to feel like your only function is as a person who knows another person, rather than any brilliance in your own right.

    3. Acornia*

      Be very up front about it.
      “Mom, you know I have chosen to have no contact with so-and-so because I need some space from their (drug addiction, mooching, whatever). Can you respect that and only tell me the biggest news on rare occasions?”

      1. Anon for This*

        Intermittent mooching against a steady backdrop of all the bad luck and bad decisions that lead to the mooching.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, it’s rough when there’s been a steady erosion of the relationship.

          But it sounds like you haven’t straight out identified what you want yet–I’m guessing for fear of hurting her feelings? In which case I think you may need to identify your choice to yourself: are you deliberately choosing to listen because you think the conversation with her would be too hurtful to be worth it, or are you choosing to ask for what you want because these conversations are too hard for you to be worth it? Right now it doesn’t sound like she has any reason to think you don’t want to have these conversations. I think either answer can be okay, but I also don’t think minor hurt feelings are the end of the world. She also, I think, may not realize that what she’s doing is really bad for her relationship with you, which she seems to be taking for granted.

          And FWIW, I don’t think this kind of constant worry-venting is actually good for her either. It’s an anxiety response that feels good in the moment but overall exacerbates the problem. It’s certainly nothing you need to allow her to do with you for therapeutic reasons.

    4. No fan of Chaos*

      Try saying with some desperation while holding the phone away from your mouth as if talking to someone else, “I told you, I’m coming!”. Then apologize and hang up.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      Have you tried Grey-Rock-ing the subject? No response other than “cool, “huh,” “bummer,” “wow,” and “so what are you going to do about it?” That usually does the trick. If not, I’d be as short and clear as possible: “I’m sorry, but I’ve hit my limit on X-talk for the day. How about that [other thing]?” then refuse to discuss any more about the person or get into *why* you don’t want to talk about it. “I’m just done for the day. Do you want to talk about [other thing]?” Then just leave/stop replying if they won’t stop talking about it.

      Don’t frame it as “please cut back on X,” but rather “I will only be listening to a small amount of X talk at a time.”

      1. Anon for This*

        I think it doesn’t work here because dear relative is a bit hard of hearing and interprets any sounds from me as continuing the conversation.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Does your parent know that you don’t talk to Sibling? Or do they think you “just don’t get along” but don’t know that you’re estranged?

      If your parent knows, then I think you can actually just ask them to stop bringing up Sibling. Say that you’re sorry things are hard for both of them, but that you just can’t be helpful and you prefer not to hear about it. You can do all the Captain Awkward things about suggesting a therapist for Parent, etc. as options to talking at you about it.

      If your parent doesn’t know and you don’t want to tell them, then I still think you can redirect, be boring, or end the conversation. What you don’t need to do is sit and listen to a lot of talk that makes you upset and agitated.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My elderly mother used to give me excruciating Lee long detailed updates on every single one of her grandchildren. Including things like speeding tickets, insurance issues, etc.
      I finally got to the point where I once ask her “Does $niece know that you’re telling me this?” And followed up her no with “She’s old enough for privacy. If she wants me to know, she’ll call or email.”
      Surprisingly, it worked. I was also feeding her other topics of conversation, which helped too.

    8. ..Kat..*

      Captain Awkward has some good blog posts on how to set boundaries for conversations. And how to maintain those boundaries.

    9. Nita*

      I keep phone calls very short and they usually end with me running off to attend to some kid thing that must be done right this minute, or I’m about to get on a work call, or I’m on a train and reception is bad. I’m sure I look like I haven’t got my life together if I can’t keep my phone calls free from interruptions, but it’s worth it.

    10. Garland Not Andrews*

      What is wrong with just ending the conversation. “… on to sibling’s many many problems.” Love you, bye.
      And hang up or otherwise disconnect. Not really useful when stuck in the car/plane, whatever, but very useful over the phone, text, Skype, or even in person. Just leave.
      Your time is YOURS. It is ok to make the decision how you spend it.

  26. Venus*

    How does your garden grow? The weather here is wet, and I have piles of green tomatoes, so I may end up picking them in order to ripen them indoors. The garlic was a bit small but looks good, and the onions were a complete failure. The sunflowers are finally doing really well and should start to bloom soon!

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      I’m still waiting for my last tree of peaches to fully ripen. Everything that falls is nearly ripe but everything on the tree is still firm. It’s going to be a day of processing when I finally harvest and just want it over with.

    2. Lizabeth*

      The rabbits have disappeared – the local predators found the buffet. Not seeing any rabbits around at dusk. It’s probably coyotes, we’ve been hearing them at night. We’re also in level 1 drought conditions here in VA. Guess all those thunderstorms this summer didn’t help water levels. Doing research on how to amend the nasty clay soil and what will grow in it for next year. Planted mums and we’ll see how they do.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m annoyed that I only got one zucchini all summer. The weather has been fairly warm and sunny and there has been plenty of sun, so I don’t know what the issue is. I only got a handful of runner beans, too. But the hedge continues in its monster way. I cut it back the other day and it completely filled the bin, so I’m going to wait until it gets emptied on Wednesday to finish the job.

    4. Fikly*

      My basil plant has reached the top of the first window! It has now collided with the shade, and is growing horizontally. It started going a bit yellow at the bottom, until I clued into the fact that it had gotten so big I needed to up its water. It’s happier now, yay!

    5. Knitter*

      We have been picking the tomatoes and ripening them indoors… but that is largely because of a squirrel who likes to eat them when the tomatoes start to redden.

      Eggplant is coming and spouse hates one of the meals I make from it, so on to new recipes.

    6. My Dear Wormwood*

      We just did a massive prune of the old mandarin tree at my sister’s yesterday and today we’re doing the same for the orange tree. We hope if we chop them dowm low enough we’ll actually be able to take care of them and get edible fruit next year.

      There was loads of dead wood hidden amongst the rampant growth so it’s kind of a shame it’s a total fire ban day, otherwise we could have had a little campfire on the fallow garden bed.

  27. Mini Zoo filled with Friendly Beasts*

    Does anyone foster animals? I have two litters of kittens right now and am thrilled that the older ones are going to a different foster this weekend. I recently started taking in cats from colonies until the rescue can find them spots in other homes (and if needed ensure they are healthy before they go somewhere less experienced). I have loved having them, but they are now old enough to need space and a giant dog crate is too confining. It’s a better option than being dead, but this move is perfect timing. The younger ones are also old enough to need human socializing so will need more of my time.

    Yet all of these animals are so much less work than one puppy! I had one this summer for a month and I am exhausted just thinking about how much I had to walk him (he needed 1-2 hours of activity a day). I think all animals are great, but foster dogs are so much more work! (I also get asked to take the untrained large dogs because I have the strength so I think the little dogs would be much easier).

    Is anyone else interested in sharing their animal foster experiences? I don’t want this to be a post just for me but I have no idea if there are others at AAM who want to share their experiences?

    1. Mini Zoo filled with Friendly Beasts*

      (I should have added that the kittens have mothers. This is useful detail because they do all the work. One is friendly but the other may be TNVR’d. Bottle babies are so much more work! I could manage it sometimes, but not two big litters with my job the way it is right now. I feed, water, and clean litter twice daily with the kittens (I’m naturally lazy as my cat gets 2x weekly), sweep the floor on the weekend, and no more work is required until they leave and I give everything a good scrub. In the evenings and weekends when I have time I cuddle with them and watch them play, which is more like stress relief than work. It’s a rough life, but someone has to snuggle with kittens when I read AAM so that they are kept from being feral and can find good homes)

      1. tangerineRose*

        Kittens are exhausting! They get into everything and go everywhere and have little to no fear.

    2. university minion*

      LOL – I only foster big unruly dogs *because* I find them easier! Putting a few manners on a friendly but klutzy and energetic dog is so much fun. I don’t do puppies, though.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      I foster pit bulls (volunteer with a rescue) and it is awesome. I’ve always been a cat person and my kitty passed away in May but we also have a senior dog. Yes, it’s a lot work but it is rewarding. So cool to see their personalities develop and for them to learn manners. Puppies are a pain though. They require constant attention, multiple middle of the night potty breaks, etc. Taking care of a litter of any animal is a LOT OF WORK. Kudos to you! I’ll take them one at a time :)

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      We fostered a litter of kittens when I was ten. So so so much fun for a kid. No problem getting them adequate socialization with four kids eager to play with them as much as we were allowed. Mama cat was super friendly and happy to let us mess with her babies. We had a small room set up for them so they had plenty of space. My mom says one of her best memories from then is walking into the room and having seven kittens racing up her jeans. We kept two from that litter and they were the best cats ever.

      I couldn’t foster adult animals. I would get attached. But I think maybe I’ll do a litter of kittens when I have kids. It’s an amazing experience.

    5. Sandra Dee*

      I foster senior dogs, usually the bigger the better. I am a “forever foster” meaning I will have them for the remainder of their lives, and the rescue covers their medical expenses, I provide a loving home, comfy beds, regular meals and lots of love. Older dogs have their issues, but are so grateful for everything you give them. Dogs tend to live in the moment. Currently, I have a mastiff and a basset hound that I am fostering. The mastiff weighed 75# when she came to the rescue, she is now about 130#. She is a big girl. The basset came to the rescue with only one eye, and recently had to have that removed due to blindness and constant pain. He has adjusted well to his new normal. Yes, it is hard when their time one earth ends, but knowing that their final years were good years is the reward. I have had fosters up to 2 years, and as little as 3 months.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I really want to foster senior dogs/the unadoptable, but my partner worries about the constant heart pain of losing them. You are awesome for doing this loving gift to them!

    6. Cats!*

      Yes I am currently on my 4th set of kittens to foster this kitten season. It is really rewarding to know that they are going to be great cats for someone. The more handling of the kittens you do, the better they will be when people come along to meet them. I volunteer at our local shelter who I foster through and so when the kittens are ready to go back, I try to get them adopted quickly. You can usually see the difference in kittens that have been fostered, than those who are just in the shelter. I love watching their personalities come through and they are just so loving to you.

  28. Lemonish*

    Board games!

    I’m very excited because the first two expansion packs for Race for the Galaxy arrived earlier this week. We’ve dropped the first one into our set and have played once with it. The goals bring an interesting dimension and help keep my 8 year old engaged.

    Looking for games that are a good mix of luck and strategy and take about an hour to play. We are already big fans of Race for the Galaxy, Catan, Seven Wonders, Small World, Carcassone, and Port Royal (we have two of its expansion packs – the one that added contracts and the one that added passengers).

      2. Lemonish*

        Intriguing – do you mean the Ankh-Morpork or the Discworld Role Playing games?

        Also, do you need to know about the books? I think my husband’s read some of them but I have not and neither has the kid. (Though maybe he’d enjoy them? He and his dad are listening to the audiobook of “The Wise Man’s Fear” and have listened to “The Name of the Wind”.)

        1. Lilo*

          Ankh Morpork.

          You do not need knowledge of the books. I have played it with friends who have not read them and they enjoyed it.

    2. Grace*

      My housemates and I are big fans of Betrayal at House on the Hill. You all explore a haunted house, dealing out the tiles as you go so that the layout is always different, and you draw item, event, and omen cards. At some point, an omen card will trigger the beginning of a haunt (there’s fifty scenarios, plus another fifty if you get the expansion pack). Someone usually becomes a traitor at that point, and then both teams have (secret) goals that they race to achieve. The Exploration phase is pretty fun on its own, but the Haunt phase is the real game. Fair warning, it’s more fun with more people, but we play it just fine with three or four. The Wikipedia article

      We also really love Ticket to Ride – bonus, it teaches you basic European geography! It’s quicker to pick up than Betrayal, but stealing someone else’s routes will cause rifts within the family that rival Monopoly. The only house arguments we’ve ever had have been over this damn game and whether or not it’s fair to steal someone else’s route if you don’t need it for your own benefit. Make your own house rules on that front.

      Both of them depend heavily on luck (layout of cards, the cards you draw, etc) but just as much on how you strategise and, in the former, collaborate.

      1. Grace*

        edit: The Wikipedia article gives a better idea of how it’s played and if you think it’s too complex for an eight-year-old, but I wouldn’t think so. It’s “horror-themed”, but more of the ‘A ghost slams the door, end your turn’ type, not actually scary.

      2. Lemonish*

        My kid is super-averse to scary stuff, but we have friends who come down around Halloween every year so it would be fun to play with 6 instead of our usual 3, and he might be more in the spooky mood at that time of year. It sounds pretty fantastic!

        1. Grace*

          There are actually videos on YouTube of people doing playthroughs of Betrayal, so you can maybe watch one and see if it’s the kind of spooky stuff that he doesn’t like.

          We’ve found that you can make it as faux-spooky or as casual as you like, depending on how much effort you put into things like events, but obviously we’re all twenty-somethings and not kids. You can just reel off the name of the card and what the effect is (lose a stat, gain an item) or put actual effort into reading the description of what happens. Example card: “Image in the Mirror. There is an old mirror in this room. Your frightened reflection moves on its own. You realise it is you from another time. Your reflection writes on the mirror: THIS WILL HELP. Then it hands you an item through the mirror. Draw an item card.” We’re now at the point where we skip everything except saying “Mirror, draw an item”, but it’s also very fun to read them in campy B-movie voices.

          1. Lemonish*

            Watching a play-through is a great idea – thank you.

            My kid is funny – he loves drama and acting, but he can actually freak himself out at practically nothing. Like he will cackle like a panto villain and then the sound of his own cackling will momentarily freak him out. :D

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      Pandemic is a classic for a reason, it’s really fun :) Bunny Kingdom is a super cute drafting game about creating point-ful territories. If your kid has decent motor control I HIGHLY recommend Meeple Circus—this is a bit off of your strategy requests but it’s a great game about physically stacking up your little pieces.

      1. Lemonish*

        I’ve never heard of Bunny Kingdom or Meeple Circus – I will have to check them out.

        Pandemic is on my radar. I’ve been wanting to play it in a game cafe before committing.

    4. Overeducated*

      How about Forbidden Island or Forbidden Desert (similar but desert is harder to win)? Both co-op games that are good for mixed ages.

      I’m impressed your 8 year old is into Race for the Galaxy, I love it but have definitely played with multiple adults who think it’s too complicated. Castles of Mad King Ludwig is also a fun game if your 8 year old is comfortable with addition and subtraction (it’s a “buying with tokens” game), but it is definitely over an hour.

      1. Lemonish*

        We have both the Forbidden games and really enjoy them.

        The key to getting the kid playing complicated games is to learn by watching videos on YouTube. (There’s a great one for Race for the Galaxy by Nights Around a Table that got us all up and playing in no time.) We also give him little helps, like not making him discard down his hand or letting him pick his start worlds. (And of course, he’s always allowed to ask for help if he needs it.)

        My kid loves maths, so the Castles game sounds right up his alley.

    6. Nicki Name*

      I recently got introduced to Bargain Quest, which might fit the bill. Run an item shop for adventurers and try to make a profit selling them gear… though it helps if you can also make sure they survive their battles. Great art, too.

        1. epi*

          Some of the other editions of Ticket to Ride also have different game mechanics that can change the difficulty or time to play. If your friend’s game is close but not quite right, be sure to check out the other versions. They are also worth looking into because I know avid players who have memorized a lot of the routes over time, an expansion or a different edition takes care of that.

          I have both the US and Europe editions, Europe is more complex but both are quite fun.

    8. Mari*

      Check out splendor, the base game is straightforward enough for kids to learn and there are expansions to add more layers of complexity.

      2. Lemonish*

        We got splendor maybe two years ago? It didn’t click with us, but I’m not exactly sure we were playing it 100% right. (like we never had a royal visit or whatever that’s called). Might need to dust it off and try again!

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Friends who like the games you mention are also fond of Talisman. It’s been a while so I don’t remember details.
      I’m a fan of card games like Guillotine & Exploding Kittens, and dice games like Pigmania & Cosmic Wimpout.

      1. Lemonish*

        Exploding Kittens was the very first game we played with the kid, when he was four years old. :) Even though he couldn’t read yet, we showed him the video and he quickly figured out the color-coding for the cards. We have the imploding expansion and the other expansion….can’t remember what it’s called but it was a very small box. Guillotine was another early game for him. (You have great taste in games! :))

        Will have to check out Talisman!

    10. Wannabe Board Game Aficionado*

      Titles that might be worth checking out, in alphabetical order:

      Epic Card Game
      Galaxy Trucker
      Granada [1]
      Ingenious
      Sagrada
      Saint Petersburg [2]
      Space Alert
      Star Realms: Frontiers [3]

      Notes:
      [1] Granada is a streamlined version of the game Alhambra. Alhambra is also good, but has a slew of expansions; Granada is a single box.
      [2] I’ve only played the first edition (with the expansions) and have not looked inside the second edition box. The second edition claims that you can roll it back to first edition rules, so I’m confident that there’s a good game in there. It’s possible it’s even better than the one I’m used to.
      [3] There are a couple of earlier Star Realms boxes with different cards in them; they’re also good. I suggest SR: Frontiers for three reasons: (a) it supports 4 players out of the box while the others are 2-player, (b) it includes “challenge” cards that let you mix things up a bit if you grow tired of the base game, and (c) the box it comes in is nicer and will hold sleeved cards (if you throw out the spacer).

      1. Lemonish*

        Why a great list – thank you! I especially like the foot notes.

        Thanks especially for the tip on Star Realms: Frontiers – it’s nice to know the extra advantages.

    11. Koala dreams*

      I like Forbidden Desert! It’s a cooperative game where you have to collect parts to your flying ship and fly out of the desert before you are getting buried under the sand tiles.

      Another game, that can be played either cooperative or competively, is The Lost Expedition. It’s more strategic and a little faster to play compared to Forbidden Desert. You go through the jungle to find the lost city, but beware of illnesses, dangerous animals and running out of food!

      Dixit is fun, it’s about interpreting artsy pictures and giving clues that are not too easy and not too hard.

      I haven’t played Power Grid, but I think it sounds fun. From what I heard it takes rather long to play.

      1. Lemonish*

        Thank you – Lost Expedition sounds perfect.

        We love the Forbidden games – have Island and Desert. I love Dixit – the artwork is incredible. It’s better with more people, so we tend to save it for when we have company.

        My husband’s played Power Grid and I think he’s found it a bit boring and complex, but it seems like it might be right in my wheelhouse! Thanks for reminding me about it.

    12. Aealias*

      My kids (4 & 9) and I enjoy Bears vs Babies and Castle Panic. The 4-yr-old kind of amuses herself while the elder can follow the rules and play properly.

      Bears vs Babies has wild Oatmeal-style artwork. You create complex multi-part monsters to fight armies of evil baby invaders. It’s a competitive game, where the person to defeat the most babies wins. Also, it comes in a faux-fur covered box.

      Castle Panic is a cooperative game in which all players work to fight off invading hordes of orcs and trolls before they can destroy your castle. There CAN be a competitive element wherein the player who finishes off the most monsters wins.

      We have two ‘collect the resources from a moving map’ games that are great to play with the kids, but a bit simple for adults: The Magic Labyrinth (Dirk Baumann) and Labyrinth (Ravensburger). In the magic labyrinth, you set up a labyrinth using wooden walls, HIDE IT, and then use magnets to try to drag your playing piece through the labyrinth to retrieve your targets. My kids are great at it, but my spatial reasoning is for crap, so I usually lose. In labyrinth, players must slide elements of the board around after every turn, with the goal of creating a simpler path to their own target, or obstructing an opponent’s route to his. LOTS of competition and fun.

      My 9-yr-old loves Agricola (I find it complicated, so it annoys me slightly). The actions available to you vary from game to game, so it has high replayability.

      Not board games:

      The card game Bang! Is awesome, but it’s a game of attrition, and players knocked out of the game have nothing to do but wander away. When we played it in board-game club, we paired it with chess or Dutch blitz, so eliminated players had something to do.

      My kids adore the proto-D&D primer Amazing Tales, available for download online. It teaches storytelling and weighted abilities. You need a 6 and a 12-sided die, and a relatively creative grown-up to DM. (I strongly discourage letting the kids DM. IME they struggle with letting anyone change the story around.) They love inventing their characters and abilities, and all the parent-focus-time while they create a story together.

    13. Fikly*

      How do you feel about card games? I have played Apples to Apples with crowds of many ages, mixed from 4 to 70+, and it’s almost always a great success for all.

  29. Randa*

    How do people deal with empty nest syndrome? My oldest daughter left last week for her first year of college, she’s the first of my 2 children to leave home. I miss her terribly and keep crying all the time. Does it ever get better? It’s not just her leaving, it’s that shes becoming an adult, I’m getting older, things aren’t the same anymore, etc.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      When my oldest left for college, I was asked by more than one person if I wished I had chained her in the basement so that she could never leave me. I almost kissed the woman who heard she’d just gone off for college and just asked if she loved it. (Yes, she loved it. To start. Not always. She grew so much even though she was a mature and level-headed high school student. And she tried new things that she didn’t even know existed when she was 17. She changed and grew. We are much closer now (she’s 23), discussing serious adult things about our lives.)

      Can you focus on her becoming an independent adult, with a new life and new adventures and basically fulfilling all that stuff you spent 18 years prepping her to take on? That you did it, and it worked.

      1. nhb*

        WAY late to this, but just felt compelled to say that when I hear of big changes like that, my go-to reply is “And how is that [for you/for kid/etc.]?” in a genuinely curious tone. Or “How’s that going for you all?” Also “Wow! That’s a big change! How…” So far it seems to be well-received.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’m not a parent but I do know a little about grief. And this is one of the things in life we can grieve. My suggestion is to cry when you need to. Take walks. Walks get blood circulating and in turn help the brain to blow out some cobwebs. Next, think about your life. You need a new gig. What’s your next thing that you want to do in life? What do you enjoy doing?

    3. MigratingCoconuts*

      I cried when my daughter left for college. I cried when my son moved into his first apartment, 5 minutes away. Just go with it, but keep yourself busy. It will fade. Besides, sounds like you have one still at home, so you’re going to still be busy parenting. Maybe spend some one on one time with him/her.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      It most definitely gets better! It’s a huge life transition.

      When Glomarization, Jr., left for university, my partner and I took a month-plus road trip that kind of served to mark the transition from parenting to empty-nesting. It was concrete but also felt ceremonial. Maybe you can do something to honor the transition and help you anticipate when your younger child launches as well?

    5. Acornia*

      It’s hard! I focused on thinking of it like all the milestones of the baby and toddler years. I remember being so proud they could sit up, pull to standing, walk!
      And look at them now! Achieving more and more milestones!
      If you’re feeling proud, tell them! It means the world to them when their parents see them doing hard things and succeeding and we tell them.
      This is a rough, rough time for young adults. They need to know it when they’re doing well.

    6. Not A Manager*

      You’ve gotten good advice about your own emotions. I’d like to STRONGLY suggest that you have a conversation with your younger child, however.

      Whether or not you are crying in front of them, they know how hard this is for you. It’s very important that you help them understand that neither they nor their sibling is responsible for your feelings, that you are happy that your child is off to college and growing up, and that you honor your own feelings without in any way wishing your child hadn’t left home.

      In my experience, kids have a TON of ambivalence about growing up/leaving home even when they act like they can’t wait. Be sure that you’re not fueling Sibling’s natural concerns about their future separation from you.

    7. Stephanie*

      My youngest just started college, my oldest is in her senior year (of college), and I’m feeling very differently about it. It was kind of weird when my daughter (the oldest) started school, because it was just so very quiet in the house without her. We texted a lot, and had great conversations over text. She also came home quite a bit because her school is very close to where we live (like a 20 minute drive).
      When my son left, it was easier. I know he’s fine, and he goes to the same school as his sister, so it makes it easier to not worry so much.
      Try framing it for yourself this way: Your job, as a parent, is to prepare your kids for the adult world. Going away to college is a large part of that process. Your kids are supposed to become adults. If she’s doing well, you’re doing your job well. Try to reframe it from “I’m getting old” to “I can get back some time for myself”. Also, “she’s becoming an adult” can also be a positive. I’ve always really loved seeing my kids grow and change. If they’re thriving, you’re doing it right. And the empty nest is pretty fun. My husband and I can do what we want to do, and aren’t tied to the kids’ crazy schedules. We get to spend real time together again, and it’s pretty great.
      All of that said, it’s okay to be sad for a bit. Give yourself some time to adjust. Try to keep in contact with your daughter, but let her dictate how, and how often. Change can be difficult, and a child moving out is a big change. Be kind to yourself.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      Some parents feel they haven’t lost an adult kid, they’ve gained a room! My parents knocked down the wall to my old bedroom to make the kitchen bigger.
      I recommend doing more physical things and, if your sadness continues, see what your doctor recommends. If you have empty-nester friends, ask them how they’re doing. Realizing we’re getting older and things are changing is hard on a lot of people.
      I hope things get better for you.

      1. fposte*

        There’s a funny British commercial right now for Gumtree or some other online selling platform that has a sentimental, they grow up so fast start as daughter moves out and then shifts comedically to the celebratory parents clearing her old room out for their own use.

    9. Mariana*

      It’s going to take a while.

      When I left home for college, my Mom cried for at least a week and even slept with my twin sister for a while (maybe a few weeks). I’m not sure when she started feeling better. Later on, she told me that she imagined that I went to school for a very, very long day and then came back home during breaks. We spoke or messaged each other often, which probably helped.

  30. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone had luck with re-boiling jam to get it to set?

    I made a batch of strawberry habanero last weekend and it hasn’t set. I know I need to re-boil and re-can it, but I’m wondering if that’s usually successful. This is my first batch that hasn’t set properly, even though I followed the instructions. I used liquid pectin, so I’m I’m thinking I should add more when I re-boil and then it should be fine.

    I also made a batch of blueberry with cinnamon and cloves…absolutely delicious! It tastes like blueberry pie. There was also a batch of pineapple habanero, but it’s way too hot for me so I’ll likely give it away. It was my first time using habaneros and I wasn’t sure how hot it would be. Thankfully it made only four jars, so it’s not too much waste.

    1. Anona*

      I have no jam making experience, but a friend gifted me some blackberry jam that didn’t set. I drizzle it on pancakes, toast, and icecream. It’s delicious!

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Oh yeah. Sometimes we make blackberry syrup on purpose, because it is absolutely amazing on pancakes. My favorite, in fact.

        Unsuccessful jam in general can be just declared syrup and served on pancakes if you don’t want to redo it. I think strawberry habanero would be great on whole wheat or just regular buttermilk pancakes.

    2. Vincaminor*

      I’ve done it —I think it was blackberry in my case —and it worked fine. I added grated cooking apple on the second boil, for both pectin and some acid. You might want to add some lemon juice.

    3. Alex*

      I’ve done it many times, although I have over-corrected and OVER set it. I’ve used powdered pectin to re-set even when using liquid pectin in the first place. Google “how to re-set jam” and you’ll find good info.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I re-boiled and added more liquid pectin, and it came out perfect. Not sure what happened the first time around, but it’s fine now. It’s just a pain having to unseal the jars, dump them in the pan, wash them, boil a ginormous pot of water, etc. a second time.

  31. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Section 8 housing question……
    Hubs and I are closing on a lovely 4 BR house in a quiet wooded neighborhood at the end of this month *knock on wood.*
    I did a quick google search and found out 1 house in the neighborhood several houses away is Section 8 (was in a S8 listing).
    1) Genuinely curious. What does Section 8 mean?
    2) Any safety issues I should know? (I’ve read horror stories on Reddit, e.g tenants who demolish a place/cruel to animals and kids but not sure what to believe).
    3) Any Section 8 neighbor experiences?

    1. university minion*

      It means that the tenant receives rental assistance from the government. It covers a portion of their rent, but not all of it. From a landlord perspective, they are balancing the reward of guaranteed rent with the risk of instability that is more likely among those of lower socioeconomic status. The house must also meet certain maintenance/safety standards in order to be eligible to rent to folks with Section 8 assistance. Tenants also abide by certain rules. The one I see most commonly come up is undeclared people living in the unit. This is a problem in non-section 8 rentals as well and it’s up to the landlord/property manager to stay on top of the property to ensure that the only people living there are the ones on the lease.
      I personally wouldn’t worry about it. There may be people in my neighborhood (“starter” homes with an even mix of owner occupied and rentals) who receive Section 8 assistance but I have no idea who they are.

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      1) “Section 8” is shorthand for “Section 8 of the Housing Act of 1937.” It’s a scheme where the government subsidizes housing for lower-income people. Dig the Wikipedia entry on it for background info and links to the HUD website.

      2) It’s hard to find good data and analysis regarding any correlation/causation between the introduction of Section 8 housing into a particular area and changes in the area’s crime rates. The experiences you read on Reddit are anonymous and unverifiable. And nobody’s going to post about their wonderful tenants; they’re coming onto Reddit to complain and get sympathy.

      3) If I’ve lived next to Section 8 housing, I didn’t know it. But I’ve lived in major U.S. cities with plenty of subsidized and non-subsidized housing, and honestly the worst tenants I’ve ever lived next to weren’t poor people, but were medical students.

    3. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      It’s just low-income housing. It’s fine. Some people trash houses or are mean to animals or kids, because some humans do those things, whether they’re poor or rich. Poor people living several houses away should be filed under “they’re just people, their income and housing situation isn’t any of my business.”

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      It’s a rental assistance program. Participating landlords get Section 8 government funds as part of the rent payment by the Section 8 tenant, which means there’s a certain amount of guarantee that that part of the rent will be paid since it’s being paid by the government rather than by the person you’re renting to (who has more precarious finances than would otherwise let them rent someplace like that without assistance).

      All it really “means” to you as someone buying a house nearby is that one or more of the nearby houses is a rental rather than owner-occupied and thus may have some of the issues that can crop up with renters rather than owners (this is also true even if it’s not someone who takes Section 8, of course). Section 8 tenants have extra rental protections and are harder to evict, so if they happen to be terrible tenants they’re less likely to be gone quickly (but not all landlords are quick to evict non-protected tenants either, particularly absentee landlords who own houses in cities they do not live in as an investment who may not be paying any attention), but if they’re just regular people who rent a house, live in it, and mostly take care of it, how their budget allows for them to rent there really shouldn’t come up.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I wouldn’t worry about this. It just means they’re getting rent assistance. Tenants have to abide by certain rules, as does the landlord and the house has to be kept up to Section 8 standards. All of my sisters at one time or another were on Section 8 and they didn’t have issues, and didn’t cause issues for the landlord or neighbors. Trashing of a house or apartment can be done by anyone. Section 8 doesn’t make that more likely.

    7. MigratingCoconuts*

      My mom once owned a house that she had section 8 people in. They were awful tenants and neighbors and it wasn’t easy to evict them. She then went to regular renting and out of 8 different tenants over the years, two weren’t great either. Renting is a crap shoot, mostly because people who are renting are less likely to treat a place as well as if they owned it. I think before anyone buys a home/condo anywhere, they should look for how many residences in the area are owned vs. rented. The more renters, the more problems there may be.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      Bad neighbors exist at all income levels. The saying “You can’t buy good neighbors” is true, unless you buy enough land that you have NO neighbors. Most of my neighbors are/were wonderful. I get the feeling you’ll be just fine.

    9. Shiny alolan raichu*

      There’s a recent planet money episode which talks about section 8 housing in passing. It’s not directly relevant but might be interesting.

    10. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      One of the units in my building waa section 8. (I don’t know how it works since it’s a private landlord and condo sublets. Might still be, I don’t know.) They were some of the nicest neighbors I’ve ever had.

    11. Overeducated*

      I pay market rate in an apartment complex that offers low income housing (rhe lower rates have an upper income cap, I’m not sure if Section 8 is involved). There are several complexes like that in a 3 block radius in an otherwise wealthy neighborhood. It is absolutely fine. Most of my neighbors keep to themselves, a few of us exchange pleasantries. I’ve lived here for 3 years, never had noise issues, and feel safe walking around at night. I definitely wouldn’t be at all concerned to find out one house on my block had low income tenants, that does not mean anything about their behavior.

    12. Gatomon*

      1) I think this one has been covered already.

      2) Comments/threads on the internet should be taken as just anecdotes, and remember you’re only hearing one side of the story. If you haven’t driven by at night or checked the historical crime stats in your neighborhood, that’s your best bet for determining if there’s an issue. Otherwise I wouldn’t assume that just because someone is low income that they are more likely to be a child or animal abuser, or negligently destroy the property, or disturb you in any way. There are plenty of horrid people who own their own home or who can afford rent on their own.

      3) No, I don’t know if I’ve ever had Section 8 neighbors, but I’ve lived in plenty of areas with lots of low-income housing, and visited friends who’ve lived in low-income housing developments. I’ve had and heard of 0 issues. I just bought a condo in a development where the majority of units are rented out, and there are older trailer parks down the road. I haven’t had any issues since moving in.

    13. Knitter*

      We live in an incredibly mixed income neighborhood: million dollar houses to small starter homes to a housing project and lots of section 8 apartments. College students to doctors to minimum wage workers to State and local politicians to artists. I love it. Honestly if someone is able to manage to secure section 8 housing, it’s impressive given the complexity of the system and difficulty finding s landlord. Frankly, in my neighborhood, the bigger issue is the landlords. While there are a ton of rules about maintenance and safety in houses to quality for section 8, it’s pretty obvious the landlord who do the bare minimum.
      The only thing you know about your neighbors is that they met the income qualifications for section 8. Please don’t use their housing to make any assumptions about their morality.

    14. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

      The other unit in the duplex I just left were section 8. Both single moms. The first one was always pleasant and friendly when we met, but she left a mountain of trash and discarded items when she moved out. It cost the landlord $400 to have Waste Pro haul it off. Also a fair amount of damage, I heard. They needed a month to clean and repair.

      Second moved in last February. We said hi when we saw each other. However, I don’t think their finances had any impact really on their status as good renters . I think it was just down to being people. Ages ago I worked on cleaning service team. One house was in a hugely expensive neighborhood, but the teenage daughters lived like pigs. So money isn’t that much of an indicator.

    15. Jule*

      This thread has been so illuminating! It never occurred to me that one would be scared of Section 8 housing. Was there something that suggested to you that there would be safety issues, OP?

    16. LilySparrow*

      I have lived in some areas with a high density of S8 housing nearby, and yes there were issues with crime, vandalism, garbage in the street noise etc.

      But it wasn’t just the fact that it was S8…the folks in that area had unstable lives and multiple issues, to the point that it’s impossible to chicken-and-egg whether the issues caused the poverty or the poverty caused the issues. Some of each probably.

      Check out the neighborhood at different times of day, see if there’s a NextDoor group (if there are any complaints to be seen, no matter how unreasonable or far-fetched, they will show up there.) Check with the local precinct or keep an eye on the police blotter in the local paper.

      Thst should give you an idea if there’s a lot of trouble in the neighborhood or not.

      1. Overeducated*

        Yeah, I think around here some of the stigma comes less from individual renters and more from issues in disadvantaged neighborhoods as a whole. Density and whether an area has been historically segregated, designed in a way that it was cut off from transit and resources, etc.

        1. Alexandra Lynch*

          Also, some groups have historically done a lot of their living outside the house. Their norm is that you spend a lot of time in the yard or on the porch hanging out, especially if the weather is at all decent. So if there are interpersonal issues, they aren’t behind four walls of a house, they’re out on the front lawn for all to see.
          You absolutely have middle class people who drink a little much and get into a loud fight with their girlfriend/wife/brother/grown sibling. Middle class people just do it indoors, so people don’t know it’s going on when they drive down the street.

          1. LilySparrow*

            I don’t care if folks in my neighborhood conduct their family relationships the way I would.

            I do care if they piss in the street, throw garbage & broken glass everywhere, run illegal businesses like drugdealing & dogfighting, and let their dogs poop on the sidewalk without cleaning it up.

            There are harmless cultural differences that may be somewhat annoying, but are just part of live-and-let-live. And then there are objectively bad behaviors that make a place gross and dangerous to live in.

            When I have the option, I prefer to be as far as possible from the poop, glass, and organized crime.

            But if OP was looking at a neighborhood like that, she wouldn’t be wondering. It’s pretty obvious.

    17. MsChanandlerBong*

      I had a horrible experience living in a duplex with a Section 8 tenant in the other unit, but let me preface my story by stating that I know that one bad apple does not make the whole program bad, nor does it mean that Section 8 tenants are all awful.

      They were the worst neighbors I’ve ever had. The woman who rented the unit had screaming matches with her boyfriend at all hours and neglected her children to the point that the 7-year-old was knocking on my door at 10:00 at night asking me to use a phone b/c no one was home and he was locked out of his house. Their house was such a pigsty that the original landlord (who sold the house after he developed a terminal illness) had to pay to have someone come and clean out their basement before the sale went through; they took thousands of pounds of refuse and junk out of there. Once the new landlord, who was only two steps above a slumlord, came along, things got even worse. They were happy to cash the reliable monthly checks instead of kicking out the bad tenants and finding new ones. I am so glad to be away from those people. But, you can have bad tenants who are wealthy just as easily as you can have bad tenants receiving assistance.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Same. It was awful. The poor kids were up half the night, so they missed a lot of school. Instead of trying to help them, the school district just sent their names to the magistrate, and each kid got fined $209 (and the mom got fined $209, too). So over $600 in fines for a poor family who didn’t have two nickels to rub together. I tried getting help from CYS, but they said unless I saw the kids being physically abused or there was some evidence that they weren’t getting enough food and water, there wasn’t anything they could do. I also asked an elected official what to do, and she said not to call CYS b/c “sometimes being in foster care is worse than living in a bad home.” So she wasn’t any help, either.

    18. Observer*

      If you have lived in almost any major US city in a more mixed (economically) neighborhood, you’ve lived near Section 8 housing.

      Being poor doesn’t make someone a bad or dangerous neighbor.

    19. Thursday Next*

      I live in NYC. On the one-block stretch of my street, there’s a Section 8 building on one end, and a building with rich celebrities on the other. And every income in between.

      It’s fine. It’s life.

    20. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Thanks all; on closer look it seems it’s for rent and the website requires a $4000 deposit plus rent of $3000/month, and “vouchers are not required for this rental.”?

      Basically it seems like the section 8 process is so complicated nobody’s able to live in that house :/

    21. Pony tailed wonder*

      I had an upstairs apartment neighbor who mentioned that she was section 8. She couldn’t work due to a disability and she spent a lot of time sitting in a chair outside of her apartment, always ready to say hello and ask how folks were doing. When she left, the crime rate noticeably increased. She was a great neighbor and I wish her well. I was dating a cop at the time and he also had a section 8 neighbor. It was someone he had arrested before. The girlfriend was the section 8 and the arrested guy was living off of her. Those neighbors were mildly annoying with their hoarding mess that overflowed into common areas and their kids toys left Willy nilly all over the place but they were quiet and polite otherwise.

  32. Amethyst*

    I got stung by a bee on the back of my foot heading into my appointment yesterday. Then I found out I went to the wrong office. While I was eating my “poor me” supper from McDonald’s, I realized I could’ve claimed workers comp if I had been on the clock at the time as the appointment was at one of my work’s properties.

    Le sigh.

    Anyone have tips? I was last stung when I was about 4, so I don’t remember what to do. The doctor I saw offered to check the back of my foot for me. It had closed at some point within 45 minutes so she said that the hole closing meant there was no stinger left behind. Now I’m just dealing with a lot of pain and some swelling in my foot.

    1. Leek*

      Why do you want to claim workers comp? Do you have medical expenses? Unless you’re allergic to bee stings, you don’t need to see a doctor. You can just treat it with an over the counter pain reliever some hydrocortisone cream.

    2. MigratingCoconuts*

      Benadryl. I always blow up after a sting, benadryl helps, especially if you can get it in you right away. Also, ice.

    3. Rebecca*

      I’m not allergic, so I just make sure the stinger is out and make a paste of baking soda and water, apply, stick a band aid over it to keep in place, and it usually stops hurting in a short time.

    4. Earthwalker*

      They used to say to apply a paste of meat tenderizer, since that breaks down proteins and bee venom is protein based. It’s probably too late for that to help now, so you’re down to itch cream, ice, and elevation.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Beekeeper here (amateur, and no hives at present dratted microburst)
      Worth reading up on how to remove a honeybee sting, because there’s a way to scrape it off to minimize how much extra venom goes in. If you didn’t consciously take it out, it’s more likely to have been a wasp especially a yellowjacket. Those don’t die when they sting,so they can get really aggressive.
      For either, you can use meat tenderizer to dissolve the remnants of the venom. Don’t push it in, just put paste on your skin immediately after removing the stinger. (Not near your eyes though.) And yes take an antihistamine.

  33. Cats cats cats*

    Question for anyone who has had Lasik- would I be able to Uber home after the procedure? I don’t have anyone available to drive me home, but would really like to get this done. Thank you!

    1. Fran*

      I had the SMILE surgery last year. You can absolutely get an uber. Your vision is blurry but you can see. You can even read text messages immediately even though it is not recommended as you get dizzy. Ask someone at the clinic to come out with you while you get in the car. You will be fine even without it. Just add another layer.
      Prepare some food and freeze it before and stock on snacks as not to worry about that too.

      1. Fran*

        Another thing to consider in this case is for you to go grab the prescribed drops before you get the procedure and head straight home afterward. The doctor will put some drops on your eyes after the surgery and you are not to take the goggles off till the morning after but then you will need to use drops multiple times per day for a week, so better get them already.

    2. Acornia*

      Having driven a few friends home after theirs, I do think you’d be fine. Their only problem was blurred vision (and one was sensitive to light).

    3. Hospital Admin*

      If the office/surgery center where you have it done allows you to Uber home, then yes, it shouldn’t be a problem. However, you definitely want to ask before the day of the procedure. We have had to cancel many procedures at my hospital because people show up without a ride home, despite explicit instructions that you must have someone to take you home, no Uber’s or cabs.

    4. Sparkly Librarian*

      The office that did mine arranged car service if needed, no additional fee. I don’t recall if it was an Uber; I think rideshare services were just becoming the thing. Staff walked me out to the car and I was fine to get from the car to my apartment door myself. I think it made a lot of sense because we’re in a city and many people don’t have a car (or a partner/close friend who can take off work, who has a car). I’d taken the train in that morning.

    5. zyx*

      I took a taxi home after LASIK and was fine. In case my vision was too blurry to read after the surgery, I got everything ready on the app beforehand so I only had to hit the final OK. Turned out I could read (with difficulty) right away, so I didn’t need to worry, but YMMV.

      I also didn’t take the Ativan they offered me for the surgery. Ativan might have made it harder to take an Uber/taxi afterward (not sure how it would affect me, which is partly why I didn’t want it).

    6. EN*

      Probably. My doctor’s orders were to keep my eyes closed and not look at screens for the rest of the day. My eyes were watering and pretty sensitive to light on the way home (hour and a half drive). While I did take the occasional peek to test out my vision, I really did need to rest my eyes for most of the day before it was comfortable to keep them open for longer periods.

    7. ..Kat..*

      A lot of clinics who do procedures that send you home that day do not allow cabs/ubers/lyfts if the patient is receiving any kind of opiate or sedative. This makes the patient vulnerable to manipulation/maltreatment.

      That said, many cities have some type of “medical rides” programs. These are drivers who volunteer to transport patients to and from appointments, clinics, etc. Usually (not always) the drivers are carefully screened with a good criminal background check. And their cars are checked out for safe travelworthyness.

      Call the clinic before hand and ask about this stuff.

      Good luck.

    8. Alphabet soup*

      My wife had it done a few weeks ago and she was in a fair amount of pain afterwards and on the drive home. She said it felt like sand in her eyes, and she was very light sensitive. I had to help her in the house because she didn’t want to open her eyes. That said, it sounds like she had an unusually difficult time so you may be fine, just wanted to throw out another experience.

  34. Detective Rosa Diaz*

    Counting down to my 30th birthday solo trip to Iceland. I will be travelling alone and going on loads of already-hooked tours. Most of my time will be spent on those, but I was wondering about recommendations for food, drinks, shops, fun things to do in Reykjavik itself, preferably no reservation needed?
    So things for my two hald-days “off” and small restaurants that are both good and relatively inexpensive that I can go to after the day tours. I have no clear idea of what time I will be back at my own disposal, so would like to compile a lot of options.

    Thanks in advance! Other tips and experiences also welcome!

    1. StellaBella*

      Enjoy! Go to the Blue Lagoon, wander thru town, go to the church with Lief Erickson in front, take a normal city bus just around town to see things maybe getting a day pass to use to go on and off?

    2. fposte*

      If you can, go to a community pool. It’s a big cultural thing, and a delightful chance to see Icelanders in their natural habitat. I went to Vesturbæjarlaug, which was tourist-free at the time.

      Also, Iceland loves hot-dog stand hot dogs, and there are a few good ones in the city; that’s a very inexpensive dinner with a lot of flexibility. I went to Bæjarins bestu near the harbor. I am not a fish person and splurged on a not-cheap lamb entree at the restaurant in the Hotel Odinsve; while ordinarily I am not a lamb fan, this was *amazing.*

      The Handknitting Association and a couple of similar handcraft stores were on Skólavörðustígur; I had hoped for a sweater but ended up with some excellent sheepskin slippers.

      I’m a museum fan but didn’t make it to a single museum, so you’ll have to report back if you go!

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Oooh, I am a huge “quiet local pool” person (hammams are my personal heaven), so I am absolutely doing that. Hot dog stands do sound convenient for the later evenings (some day tours are set to end around 8 or 9 at night). Thanks for the recommendations!

        I was thinking of trying the Penis Museum but don’t know if that’s what you meant :’)

        1. fposte*

          Usually I like art or history museums, but then usually I don’t have an option of a penis museum :-).

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Personally, I would skip the Blue Lagoon unless you LOOOVE expensive, crowded spas. We took a food tour in Reykjavik which was wonderful (also went by and talked about historic places) and I believe there is an evening beer tour of sorts (check wakeupreykjavik dot com). We liked Islenski Barinn for dinner; ask all of your tour guides and you will get good recommendations. There is, of course, the hot dog stand, and there are pizza places. It WILL be expensive. If you want extra cheap, find a grocery store and get some fruit, crackers, cheese, etc. We didn’t spend as long enough in Reykjavik to do everything we wanted, so the walking tour gave us ideas of what we wanted to go back to do. We LOVED Iceland!!

      1. fposte*

        The grocery store across from my hotel had sandwiches and stuff, too. That’s what I ate a lot of evenings.

    4. Allison*

      Check out the website for a great little restaurant called Bergsson Mathus. Really good for breakfast/brunch, think they’re doing dinner now?

    5. Bluebell*

      Hey there- I was in Reykjavik in July – here are a few suggestions- I loved it.
      The art museum in the harbor has some great modern art and on the second floor there’s a little seating area where they have free coffee. The photography museum is across the street and is small but worth a look. For breakfast pastries, Braud and Co is amazing. Reykjavik Roasters has excellent coffee. My niece and I went to the Sundhollin community swimming pool. I also wanted to try Vesturbaejaurlag but didn’t have time. I loved walking through the main cemetery in the morning—lots of history. For food we had the hotdogs at Reykjavik Street dog, and soup in a bread bowl at downtown cafe and bar. And make sure you get ice cream at Valdis. It’s so yummy. Have a great time.

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        LOVE these, thank you! Braud & co is super close to my hotel so I will definitely go there one of the days- hotel breakfast is incl but I do like a onetime splurge ^^

    6. Pharmgirl*

      I also went alone last year shortly after I turned 30 and loved it! You’ll have a great time. My trip was last minute and short (arrival, two tour days, departure) so only had two half days like you, so hopefully some of this is useful for you.

      There is a walking tour that I wish I had done on my first day instead of last because the tour guide points out a lot of different buildings and such you may want to check out on your own. It’s by city walk Reykjavik and it does need to be booked in advance, but it’s totally free! Would highly recommend if you can fit it in.

      The settlers exhibition or maybe settlement exhibition is a small museum about the first setttlers. In downtown and the ticket gives you admission to another small building down the street.

      Breakfasts – I ate entirely in the hotel, would take advantage if your hotel offers it. The breakfasts were great.

      Lunch – I just brought snacks for the tours, and if I was still hungry bought something when the tour stopped for breaks. I also had the famous Icelandic hotdog which was good, but two would be more filling for lunch. Sandlot is a nice bakery that has sandwiches you can grab.

      Dinner – I splurged a bit here, but hands down the best meal I’ve ever had was at Food Cellar. I made a reservation but it wasn’t busy when I went so that may not be required. It was definitely pricey but worth every penny.
      A more affordable option is Food Market which is more of a food hall, so a few mini restaurants on the periphery and tables in the center to sit with your food. I ate at the taco place and got some ice cream from another stall.

      It’s a great walking city so you can even just walk around and check out whatever looks good. Enjoy your trip!

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Thanks so much! The Food Market looks super convenient for those late nights after a long tour!

        1. Bluebell*

          Which tours will you be doing? Usually they build in a dinner break. When I did the southern Iceland tour, we didn’t get back til midnight!

    7. only acting normal*

      Iceland is expensive, but not a tipping culture so no adding X% to the bill.
      Svarta Kaffid for soup in a bread bowl (limited menu: just meat or veggie daily, but tasty).

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you knit or crochet be prepared to come home with beautiful wool. I’m told it’s a utopia.

    9. Not A Manager*

      The Harpa concert hall is worth walking past, and you can go inside it as well if you like.

      We liked a restaurant called Syster. It’s the sister restaurant to the much fancier and more expensive Dill. I see some articles online that they are closed or closing, but both seem to have active websites taking reservations.

      The Living Art Museum has some nice exhibits by emerging Icelandic artists. The Art Museum has an exhibit called Mao’s World Tour by Erro that is really worth seeing. There’s also a side room with a very interesting acoustic installation.

      Bryggjan Brugghús has good beer. We didn’t order the food, but it seems to get good reviews.

  35. My Brain is Exploding*

    Please help me! I need some good travel trousers. My requirements: mid weight fabric (not as thick as jeans, but not as thin as my Columbia pair) with a little stretch, water resistance is a plus, available in either black, dark blue, or dark gray (I don’t want khaki), good pockets (a subtle cargo pocket would be a plus), NOT TOO TIGHT (this is the big problem with most that I’ve tried – I want a little bit looser fit, no VPL, and MAYBE the possibility of wearing thin thermals underneath), AND something that could be dressed up a bit! Spouse has a pair he got at Costco that I LOVE, but the maker doesn’t do women’s styles. So far on this site I’ve jotted ideas for future reference on bras and other clothing items so I’m hopeful there are some good choices out there. Thanks!

    1. Coco*

      Are joggers too casual? I’ve had luck with Gap’s joggers. Also UNIQLO has v comfy pants that can be dressy. However I don’t think they are water resistant.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      Travelsmith usually has a lot of stuff, though they’re expensive. Maybe Lands End or Sierra Outpost

    3. Ranon*

      I like Columbia pants but they do run thin. Have you looked at Kuhl or REI’s house brand for pants? Most aren’t explicitly “travel” pants but they have some styles that are probably close to what you’re looking for.

    4. A Simple Narwhal*

      I’ve heard amazing things about Betabrand pants. I haven’t made the plunge yet but my friend swears by them and I’ve seen them on her so I can attest that they look and feel great.

    5. I feel like an ad, but...*

      I like the Duluth Trading Flexpedition and Dry on the Fly pants. They tick all the boxes you mention for me. I wore them all over Norway, from hikes to nice restaurants, and could fit another layer underneath. Not cheap, but they are holding up. Great pockets too!

    6. Kathenus*

      Second REI and also check Eddie Bauer. They have the weight pants you’re talking about with various pocket options/styles between types. I’ve found the Guide Pro pants work phenomenally for me for work, travel, and everyday – and they have the same style in shorts and capris. If you find a style that works for you then you can just online order different colors or styles as needed or from their many sales.

    7. Forty Years in the Hole*

      I can recommend Magellan Travel Wear. They have a product called Craghoppers” – 9 pockets, 4 colours, water resistant etc. That might do the trick. Also carry a really wide range of travel accessories. Very good quality and reasonably priced.

    8. Old Biddy*

      Costco was selling Kirkland Signature women’s travel pants for a while and I stocked up – $15 for a pair which were comparable to the Coumbia/Mountain Hardware ones I used to buy. People seem to be reselling them on Amazon now

    9. Anon the Third*

      If money is no object, I just bought a couple of pairs of Pashko pants. They’re more comfortable than my pajamas and they’re well-made.

    10. My Brain is Exploding*

      Thanks! Almost too many good ideas here. But I’m sure with all these suggestions I will find something good!

    12. Handy Nickname*

      I have these in multiple colors and wear them every day: prAna Living Women’s Regular Inseam Halle Pant https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DOJJYHY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VYxDDb52ATZKW

      Two deep front pockets, front flat zipper pocket on one thigh, and two snap back pockets

      Water and stain resistant and slightly stretchy. Looser throughout the legs and no vpl (could for sure fit thermals under), but still cute and well-fitted.

      I’ve worn them for work, which is usually dress pants/no jeans but not super formal, plus everyday and hiking. They fit well, wash well, and are durable.

  36. StellaBella*

    I have been exploring a new concept and community online lately called the Deep Adaptation Forum, if you google you can find them. I am finding the content and people helpful in dealing with what I have learned is called Solastalgia – see wikipedia too. My anxiety overall and my distress related to climate change are real things for me so I am finding communities and ideas to help me. Anyone else have similar feelings or experiences?

    1. StellaBella*

      Also the term psychoterratic,, coined by the same philosopher: “Disconnection from nature can be bad for our mental health. But there was no name for this particular malaise until Australian sustainability professor Glenn Albrecht coined the term psychoterratic, creating the beginning of a vocabulary to discuss the relationship between mental health and environment.”

    2. Alpha Bravo*

      Thank you for this! I’ve been on this planet nearly six decades and can tell you from personal observation that the climate is changing – very quickly in the last ten years. We are hunkered down here on our little farm trying to make sure we can adapt and survive. My daughter is working on a “survival bible” to document processes we’ll need to know how to do. Resources to help cope with what certainly feels like the end of the world as we know it are very welcome.

      1. StellaBella*

        I have been here 50 years. Your daughter has a good idea. There is a lot of this in the Deep Adaptation Forum, too, to explore.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Ooh, I’ll have to look this up. I heard of solastalgia years ago and have been thinking about it lately but not in any systematic way. But climate change is definitely on my mind all the time, and I need to do something constructive about it. It’s so very obvious to me that it has changed dramatically in the past few years. I can’t understand how people can think it hasn’t.

    4. LizB*

      Thank you for mentioning this! I hadn’t heard of it before, but after some minor research I think it’ll be really helpful with my distress and anxiety around climate change.

    5. Ermintrude*

      Thank you for sharing, I will have a look. I am thinking of doing a masters in sustainability solutions, but I’m honestly concerned that I might just be setting myself up for daily panic attacks. Even this thread is making me a bit panicky (although it is late night here).

  37. Llellayena*

    Cats and quilts advice!

    I gifted a bed size quilt (handmade) to someone who loves it but has 3 cats. She doesn’t put the quilt on the bed because she doesn’t want the cats to tear it up. Any advice on how she can use the quilt on the bed and be sure the cats won’t claw it?

    1. Grace*

      To clarify, do her cats actually claw at the quilt, or do they just catch their claws and pull at it when kneading or jumping up? If the latter, she can trim their claws – the vet can demonstrate how to do it, and it’s a five-minute job. It’s saved our sofas, and in my experience, it’s necessary if you don’t let your cats outdoors – we have to do it with ours now in winter when she doesn’t want to go out, and we had to do it for our older ones once they stopped going outside so frequently. Even with scratching posts, it doesn’t wear down their claws like clawing actual trees.

      If they actively seek out horizontal surfaces like carpets and quilts to scratch at, you can get them a horizontal scratching board – some cats don’t like clawing vertically at posts – but you might not be able to break the habit of clawing beds.

      1. cat socks*

        Agree with this advice. Keeping claws trimmed will help them from catching on the quilt.

        In my experience, cats like rough surfaces to sharpen their claws – like sisal, cardboard or carpet. I have a variety of items for my crew.

      2. Llellayena*

        I’m not sure what the cats actually do. I don’t think it’s actively clawing at it. She just mentioned that one of them (at least) likes to climb on the bed to sleep with her.

        1. cat socks*

          I bought these stairs to put at the side of my bed so the cats come up those instead of jumping up on the bed and hanging on the blankets to get their footing. Searching for “pet stairs” should bring up some options.

      3. Dancing Otter*

        Reassure her that quilts, even quilts made with love, are still THINGS. You made it for her to USE.
        I have always had cats and quilts. Keep the claws trimmed, as others have said. Be sure they have better places to exercise their paws – scratching pad or post, interactive toys, et cetera. A cat *sleeping* on a quilt may shed or get it dirty, but that isn’t really a concern. Bedding gets washed, cats or no cats.
        If a snag does happen, mend it promptly, so it doesn’t become attractive for Kitty to worry at it.

    2. WellRed*

      SShe might just think it’s too nice, the same way fancy guest towels don’t get used or the good china doesn’t get eaten off of.

    3. Eva and Me*

      Well, there’s always the option to treat the quilt as even more of a piece of art by hanging it — best of both worlds in that she can see it every day and enjoy it, and the cats won’t damage it. There are various options for hanging that I’ve seen. Also, even if the cats aren’t clawing at it and are simply sleeping on it, it will need more frequent washing, which might not be good for it.

    4. Caterpie*

      My cats love to knead faux fleece blankets and tend to leave everything else alone, maybe your friend could purchase a cheap texture-y blanket to draw the cats’ attention away from the quilt? I keep one at the end of the bed and they leave the comforter alone, only sleeping on and messing with the fleece part

  38. Overeducated*

    I recently discovered my local Buy Nothing group on Facebook and it’s so awesome! It’s just people from my and nearby neighborhoods posting “hey, here’s a thing I’m done with, anybody want it?” or “I need x to borrow or keep, anyone have one?” I’ve seen everything from nice furniture to extra injera from a takeout order. A lot of people just put things in Tupperware bins outside their doors and say “let me know what day you’re coming and I’ll put it out,” which is a lot easier and probably safer than arranging meetups. Since joining last month I’ve been given a baby play mat, assorted bottles, and a couple sleep swaddles, and have given away my old bike and child seat, lent out a specific Halloween costume, and am waiting to hear if someone needs my card table for a party this weekend.

    I think I’m loving it because sometimes it’s hard to get a sense of neighborliness in a dense city and this provides more of that, and such a sense of abundance. Like I don’t have to be worried about acquiring every baby thing I’ll need in a year because someone will probably be ready to pass it on when I get there, and I’ll find someone nearby who can use the infant stuff too. And people actually want stuff that you probably wouldn’t give to Goodwill (e.g. bunches of extra hangers, candles someone didn’t like the scent of), so it seems less wasteful than trashing it, which is always a struggle for me with decluttering.

    The only bad thing is that it’s on Facebook, which is not a platform i need to be using MORE. But overall, such a cool idea!

    1. MigratingCoconuts*

      Don’t know where you are, but I’ll have to look into that. Around here, we have a website called FreeCycle. (the FreeCycle groups are done by geographic area) Its the same kind of thing, people post things they want to give away, and you can also post asking for something. The only real rule is that it is all FREE. No charging for anything. I have given away everything from clothes and toys, to a cement and wood park bench and tvs. No matter what you post, someone usually wants it. It’s great, less stuff in landfills!

      1. university minion*

        I’m on my local Freecycle group, but unfortunately, the vast majority of posts are along the lines of “I’m a single parent of 6 and down on my luck, need a car to haul the kids and get to work, must have a/c. Is anybody giving one away?” I wish it was more active with more exchanges going on. Beyond posting when I have something that needs to go, I’m not sure how to spur activity. Any ideas?
        I’ve had better luck curb shopping in my own neighborhood. Got a lamp, bbq grill, Burley bike trailer, small dresser, clothes hamper and a few other things that way.
        I guess every community is different. I need to see if there are any other groups in my area.

        1. MigratingCoconuts*

          Yeah, that can be a problem. I belong to 3 different groups and there is some of that ‘i need something/everything’ in all of them. I don’t know how you can stop/change it. You could contact the moderators since they have control over what gets posted. If you’re on facebook, or have lots of local friends, you could always point them to FC and emphasize that its a great place to unload stuff.

        2. Overeducated*

          Yeah, I think it would not work as well if the balance was heavily tilted toward asking over giving. Honestly I rent in a fairly wealthy area where i could never afford to buy a home, that’s probably part of the dynamic here. When people do ask for stuff there does tend to be enough to give, and they don’t tend to ask for something that huge.

        3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          I’m not in ours any more but it had a rule that you could only post WANTED on Wednesdays. That helped a bit but the same Choosy Beggars will respond to offers.

          My best experiences have been with very low-value items, e.g. someone getting a new large appliance doesn’t want to just throw away the box it arrives in, and someone moving house doesn’t want to buy a load of brand new cardboard. Anything worth less than a takeaway is what these groups are perfect for.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        One difference is that BuyNothing restricts membership to an area’s resident’s and as the membership gets to a certain point, they halve the group by geography. This is part of its secondary goal to help people get to know their neighbors.
        I went through a split in my geographically large town and one long-time member explained that when she lived in a major metropolitan city, the BuyNothing region was a few square blocks.

    2. WellRed*

      I like next-door for this, too. It’s hyperlocal. Also FB marketplace. I got rid of a bunch of recent paperbacks and magazines to someone who was so thrilled to get them. She was donating the books to her little free library then planned to read the mags before using them of craft projects. Now THAT’s what I call recycling!

      1. Overeducated*

        That’s awesome! FB marketplace and Nextdoor here seem to be good for buying and selling bigger stuff (e.g. I got a specific type of bassinet on there that I would hope to resell after using), but people do tend to want at least half of retail price for everything. It’s less generosity and more straight up shopping here. Interesting how these differ in different areas!

    3. Kate Daniels*

      I use something similar—Freecycle—all the time! It is so wonderful for getting rid of things without the guilt that the item will just take up space in the landfill. It has been essential in allowing me to downsize and save money (everything I own now fits nicely in my studio apartment—no more need to pay for a storage unit and I feel so much more at peace without so much stuff everywhere!). The people who I have given away items to have been super appreciative, so giving away things that I paid for in the past but no longer use now makes me feel good, and I no longer beat myself up for wasting money in the past.

    4. Filosofickle*

      Sadly, I live in a donut hole city that doesn’t have Freecycle (which I used to use ALL THE TIME) or a Buy Nothing group. The communities surrounding around me — very close, like 1-2 miles away — won’t let my address in. Which is understandable, they want to maintain the “local” vibe. Still, it’s so frustrating! I’ve been purging lots, using a combo of Craigslist Free and NextDoor for big things and donation centers for clothes and smaller stuff. We also have a “creative reuse” center that I have a big pile set aside for.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      I live in a large metro area. We have a “Free Only” exchange. Several times now, people didn’t pick up what they said they would. I’ve given up on this idea and send everything to Goodwill now. I cannot waste time and energy waiting for strangers who never show up. I hope y’all have a better experience than I did.

      1. Overeducated*

        Totally fair. I think this is a frustration with Craigslist and other sale stuff too. The bins definitely make it easier since timing can be looser.

    6. Aphrodite*

      Do you know about NextDoor? That’s also a community website, and it has what you describe but more: https://help.nextdoor.com/s/article/How-to-join-Nextdoor?language=en_US

      I don’t belong to FB and refuse to join. But at one time I was part of our local Freecycle, and what university minion describes below is what I found. At the time I was a member I was also a founder of a popular book review website so I had a lot of books arriving. There were too many for my reviewers to handle so I ended up offering them up on FC but a surprising number of members were just out for what they could get and almost never offered anything themselves. Some were obviously resellers. Now while I was giving them away rather than throwing them away I quickly tired of all the greediness so I left and the books went to my favorite thrift store. And of the three or four years I was a member I think I asked for two things; crickets. That soured me on it, and it also soured the administrators who posted once about those members who were always being takers.

      1. Overeducated*

        I do, thanks! Nextdoor has more of a “see how much money you can get for stuff” vibe here, but I enjoy the discussions, which get pretty heated around pizza, electric scooters, and bike lanes.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I wish mine talked more about pizza! Mine gets lost dogs, housing costs, Airbnb wars, and “I saw someone I don’t recognize who wasn’t doing anything but I feel threatened”.

    7. Knitter*

      Yes! I love my neighborhood group! It has also seriously helped me declutter because our group requests people say what you’d use the posted item for. I’m much more likely to give something away if I know it is going to someone who will use it or pass it along.

  39. Red Sky*

    Does anyone here have any experience using an LED grow light for house plants? I’ve got a dark room that doesn’t get much light that I’d like to put a few plants in. Would putting a grow light bulb in a lamp near the plants (peace lily, philodendron, pothos, fern) be enough? Is it like the sun where I need to protect the fern and peace lily from getting direct light from the bulb? I’ve done some internet research but it’s a bit confusing.

    1. Ranon*

      Light bulbs are way less intense than the sun, so I’d think you wouldn’t need direct protection. Our average indoor lighting is about 2-4% as intense as outside light- I’ve only burnt plants with artificial light when they’ve accidentally touched the bulb and scorched from heat.

      Technically most plants absorb light across the whole spectrum so you don’t even need a “grow” light, just one with really high lumens. Commercial greenhouses use(d) high pressure sodium lights which are basically yellow (used because LED is replacing everything these days) so if you like a warmer light generally you could use that if you can find one with a similar lumen output to a grow light.

      1. Red Sky*

        This is where I’ve been getting confused. If I just buy a high Lumen Led would I still be getting the right light from the color spectrum need to help plants grow? From what I’ve read a mixture of blue and red with minimal green (which all combined appears white) is best for leafy growth. Would a regular old white LED have those colors? From reading the packages I just cant tell. I think I might need to look at Kelvins…sigh.

        1. Ranon*

          White LEDs will have enough of a spectrum- the people talking about optimal growth are probably doing, like, commercial growing, you presumably just need your plants to not die, so I’d just get a color temperature that you like- if it’s attractive to your eye it should be fine for plants. A higher CRI will have a more complete spectrum than a lower one but it’s really probably fine to get whatever.

          1. Ranon*

            To add- I worked at a research greenhouse that used low pressure sodium for winter supplementary lighting (those are the lights you used to see in parking lots that made everyone look like zombies because there was so little light in anything but the yellow spectrum from them) and things grew just fine. There’s some truth to grow lights being better but there’s a fair bit of marketing too.

        2. fposte*

          Before LEDs people used fluorescents. I grew tons of seedlings under tube fluorescents, which are very cool in tone; they were used because they were cheaper and safer than incandescents. I think you’re reading people trying to optimize, not anything necessary.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The new LED lamps are much better for plants than the fluorescent & incandescent lights they replace.
        I wouldn’t try to grow fruit or tomatoes, but we had luck overwintering geraniums, lemon grass, Christmas cactus, dwarf banana, a tangerine, and a pineapple. (My 12yo started both of those last with her grandmother a few years ago.) The tangerine needed the most light & warmth so was moved out of the LR where we had rolling wire shelving for a few months, into a kitchen corner under a task light. I also have kept an African violet alive for 3 years with general household LEDs and a partial sun window.

    2. university minion*

      You can totally sunburn a plant with a grow light. I tried it when I moved to an office with no window, but couldn’t get it right. I either burned them, or didn’t leave the light on enough for it to have any effect. I should have bought a timer, but never got to it.
      They can work, but you’ll also want to invest in a timer. Plants are sensitive to light cycles just like we are, so it’s not just a matter of turning it on and that’s it. They’re also not the most aesthetically pleasing lights, both looks-wise and in the light they emit. What plants like and what we find attractive aren’t the same.
      What I do is keep most of my plants outdoors, and cycle a few indoors when they’re blooming or otherwise looking nice, for a couple of weeks at a time. I live in Florida, so there are only a few days per year when I have to haul everything inside or cover them up.

      1. Red Sky*

        This is what I’m afraid of. I might just have to experiment and keep a close eye on them.

        I do have most of my indoor plants outside in the shade right now to take advantage of the weather and hopefully grow/fill out a bit more, but when winter comes, it’s definitely too cold here, so cant rotate them.

        1. university minion*

          It would be a bit of an investment, but do you have a garage, basement or walk-in closet that doesn’t see much use and has electric? If so, you can set up that area to be your growing area and cycle blooming plants to and from the rest of the house. That’s what orchid folks do, and I believe, how folks with…. other…. indoor gardening interests keep their crop going.

          1. Red Sky*

            No garage, basement or walk-in. Maybe the laundry room, but it would involve getting my husband to give up one of the storage shelving units he uses for his tools. Not sure if that battle would be worth it, tho. Something to think about…

    3. Reba*

      We got viparspectra smallish units. The lights are a bit loud because they have built in fans, which are clutch when you are leaving the lamps on for hours at a time, even LEDs get hot!

      Previously I had been using ordinary LED lamps, which were also somewhat effective, but the grow lights made sense for the quantity of plants we were looking at. The light is pinkish and it’s much brighter than like a desk lamp. They are suspended so you can easily adjust the distance from the plants, and we pu them on a time so easily adjust the exposure. We are not using them currently since our green babies can go outside, but may resume some use in winter. They look absolutely horrible decor-wise.

      ***All that being said*** the plants you list should all do just fine with indirect light. I’m pretty sure the philodendron does not want any direct light on its leaves. Peace lily and pothos can take sun but don’t really need a lot.

      Is there no sunlight at all in the room, like basement? And are you actually seeing problems with the plants, or is this all conjectural?

    4. JobHunter*

      They should all be fine with full spectrum bulbs. I have grown pothos, calatheas, ferns, mother-in-law plant, and lucky bamboo indoors supplemented with regular incandescent bulbs.

      I have an AeroGarden with LED lights. They are _bright_. I can see the glow from them reflected off the wall and down the stairs in the living room. The LEDs do produce a little warmth, but the herbs seem to be OK with it.

    5. Cat*

      I use one of those aquarium light strip grow lights for my indoor plants and it does a great job. I’m absolutely not a lighting expert, and I don’t even have an aquarium, but I saw aquarium lights recommended on a reptile forum for enclosures with live plants and thought I’d give it a try for my houseplants. My little lemon tree lives indoors during the winter (along with some ferns, wandering jew, and whatever plants I have bought most recently) and seems very happy with the light provided. I think the model that I got was ~$100 which might be more than you are looking to spend, but it is also a couple feet long, has many color/brightness options, and is hooked up to a timer so it can be programmed to turn on/change lighting type/turn off as you wish. I’m sure there are other cheaper options, but overall I’ve been super happy with the one I have and I would definitely recommend that you check out aquarium lights in general.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Those are all classic “office plants”. They grow just fine under ordinary flourescent light, or whatever.

      Any bulb intense enough to burn the plants would burn you, so I doubt there’s such a thing available on the open market. If it’s too dark, they will get leggy & sad and lose variegation in the leaves. If there’s enough light, they will have nice thick stems and be bushy, and any colors in the leaves will be well-marked.

      It sounds like you may have been reading advice for building an indoor marijuana grow room, or something. Ordinary houseplants are not that picky about the light spectrum.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, if you start researching home plant care, it’s only a matter of time before you reach the (numerous) weed forums :)

        As a clarification, by “burn” we are not talking actual burn as in high temp, but just too much or too intense of light for the particular plants, which can lead to them looking scorched.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Yes – direct sun will scorch shade-loving plants. It will also burn you. Hence the comparison.

          You would have to put in a lot of totally unnecessary effort to make indoor artificial light approach the intensity of outdoir shade, much less direct sun.

          Philodendrons, peace lily, and ferns thrive in windowless offices all over the place.

          Just light the plants’ area well enough to read a book without straining your eyes – like standard office lighting. They will be fine.

  40. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Why do advertisers, come September, insist on using the “fall into” trope? Fall into savings. Fall into fashion! Fall into.. you get the idea.

    I’ve fallen a number of times while running. I’ve passed out and hit my head into a glass wall and gotten a concussion. The thought of falling is not something that makes me want to buy things!

    At the place we don’t mention here, I had to explain to a patron that saying she was an “out-of-the-box thinker” on her resume was going to have the opposite effect of what she intended, because someone who uses the expression “thinks outside the box” is very much inside the box. Sigh. But the “fall into” thing just really gets me, and I know it’s ridiculous.

    1. Penny*

      Every broken bone I’ve every had has been attributed to a fall because I am supremely clumsy… and I think you’re overthinking this just a bit. I’m also someone who has been single for a number of years but I don’t get upset by the romantic marketing tropes that pop up around Valentine’s Day.

      Are overdone marketing gimmicks bland and repetitive? Yes. But your feelings seem a bit excessive.

    4. MigratingCoconuts*

      Because most advertisers don’t think outside the box. Lol! They just follow what everyone else does. Just like when a book/series of books becomes highly popular, all of a sudden there are many just like it that start showing up. (I work in a library too) :)

    5. fposte*

      In addition to what other people say, most of the time people are doing these ad campaigns on a shoestring and they’re not trying to sell only to those of us looking for sophisticated wordplay. Used car ads, for instance, are rarely high-priced masterpieces of nuanced humor–they’re just trying to haul you in and clear the merchandise.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I don’t think budgets have anything to do with it. I think people have just become really uncreative and maybe even downright stupid, especially in the USA, where years of eliminating arts programs is I think coming back to haunt us. Okay, I think it’s time for me to get off my soapbox now.

        1. Lissa*

          I don’t know about that. Anytime I learn about history I end up thinking that people were just as uncreative and stupid in the past, too.

        4. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

          I think that’s uncalled for, and a massive generalization of a group of people.

          Budgets are ALWAYS limited in marketing. There are also legal limitations, time limitations and design limitations. Also also, copyright.

          I’m sorry that you’re frustrated with this campaign, but I don’t think it’s fair to call people names.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Also, I’m definitely not looking for sophisticated wordplay! Some of my favorite ads are of the “beer and pretzels, that’s our game, C-H-E-R-S!” variety. I just don’t understand why anyone thinks “falling into” things is a good idea. Especially products that market to seniors, yikes!

        1. fposte*

          I think people just have different tolerances for figurative use; I’ve seen people have different takes on that here before, too.

        2. Peacock*

          It’s a play on words, it’s not supposed to be taken literally. You’re hugely overthinking this.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Our ads here in the US are pretty dull and unimaginative and they have been so for decades. And you have an example as to why- over use a cute turn of a phrase and it’s not cute anymore. I read some where that ads in Europe actually show THINKING. If anyone cares to comment on that I’d be interested in hearing.

      Growing up, one thing that got to me was they never changed the ad. They’d craft a bad ad and then play it for years. Sometimes I stopped buying products because the ad was irritating and the repetition made it a thousand times worse. Now these ads are referred to as iconic. sigh.

      I do find for the most part that ads here are pretty mindless and generally do not inspire me to buy the product.

      I remember taking a media course in high school and we did a whole section on advertising. One of the techniques the teacher said they use is irritation. If you grate on people they will remember your name better and probably not remember WHY they know your name. That was the theory at any rate.
      My pet peeve is the screaming car salesperson. Why is this person screaming through out the ad? why? I make mental note of car dealerships who use screamers in their advertising.

      1. fposte*

        It’s funny that the ads we most remember from our childhood are mostly the irritating or cheesy ones. My dying words may be the Empire Carpets phone number.

        4. Seeking Second Childhood*

          “Your Anchor Banker… he understands. Your Anchor Banker… she understands.”
          (Local to metropolitan NYC… because my dad knew the couple in the ads, and he told me that Every. Darned. Time. That ad came on, I will never forget. I was at an age where I was much more impressed that he knew the Tidy Bowl Man.)

      2. Cruciatus*

        HEAD ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! HEAD ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!

        Definitely irritating. Definitely remember it, what, 10+ years later? I don’t think I’ve even seen one of those commercials in that time (did they go out of business?).

      3. Iron Chef Boyardee*

        My pet peeve is the screaming car salesperson.

        Reminds me of when Jerry Stiller was the celebrity spokesman for Capital One Bank. At the time his most recent roles were as George Costanza’s father on Seinfeld and Doug Heffernan’s father-in-law on King of Queens. Both characters were variations on the same theme – a cranky old man who was always yelling.

        Whenever I’d see one of those commercials or his picture in an ad on the bank’s wall (I had already been a customer for many years) I would think to myself, “yeah, I’m going to take financial advice from Arthur Spooner.”

    8. Fall Away*

      I’m pretty sure the usage is meant more to mimic “falling in love” rather than “falling over”. Do you get this pissy when someone says they fell in love too?

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I don’t. Honestly I’m surprised at the nasty tone of some of the responses here for what I thought was a reasonable question. Good grief.

        1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

          I don’t find “fall into” as irking as you do, but I echo your surprise at some responses.
          A current commercial that irritates me is one for Pringle’s in which (paraphrasing) a kid shows his mom a drawing and mom says, “that’s not your dad.” The kid say that it is, and mom says, “Ookay, sure” and winks at the camera. Cuckolding your husband is cute and going to make me want to buy Pringles???

          1. Iron Chef Boyardee*

            I had never seen that commercial, but after reading your comment I was prompted to look it up online. (It’s on You Tube.)

            Maybe I’m too naive and innocent, but I didn’t see it the way you did. The woman was extolling the virtues of the chips she was eating and finished off by saying “They’re not really Pringles.”

            She was saying it in the context of ‘I can’t believe these are Pringles,’ but the exact quote is necessary for me to get my point across. Actually, I could just transcribe the whole thing – the commercial is only 15 seconds long – but why give them free advertising?

            Anyway, after the woman says “They’re not really Pringles,” the camera cuts to a drawing her kid is working on, and the woman says “Just like that’s not really Daddy.” The kid says, “Yes it is.” The woman looks to the camera, says “Okay,” has another chip, and the commercial ends with the obligatory product shot.

            Absolutely 100% cuckold-free, at least to my (possibly naive and innocent) eyes.

            2. Mia_Mia*

              I also watched it and you are correct. The exact wording matters.

              As for falling, “fall into” something is a common phrase: “fall into bed,” “fall into conversation,” “fall into someone’s arms,” etc.

        2. Sunny*

          “I think people have just become really uncreative and maybe even downright stupid, especially in the USA”

  41. Pumpkineater*

    Looking for ideas for Halloween parties for adults. I like having an activity element for the party. Last year, I hosted a pumpkin carving party that everyone seemed to really enjoy. The year before that, I did a costume contest party but most of my friends didn’t bring costumes, so that was a bit of a bust. Thoughts for more themes/activities?

    1. LibbyG*

      Maybe cookie decorating? Leaves and cats and frankensteins and such. I would love to go to a party like that!

      1. heckofabecca*

        I second cookie decorating!!! Personalizing food is a blast! Or even just… have a bunch of pre-made dough and a bunch of cookie cutters, if someone’s willing to help man the kitchen with a steady influx of cookies. Also if you are doing cookie decorating, people can bring toppings etc.

        There are also some fun party games like Ghost Court that have a spooky theme. But yeah, rather than something that requires a lot of output from guests, something minimal (like picking something up at a store) or nonexistent (show up and have fun) is much preferable!

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      You could host it the weekend after and make haunted gingerbread houses. You can use graham crackers in place of gingerbread and use cardboard food containers as the support (milk/juice cartons, pasta boxes, etc.) Everyone will be thrilled to donate their leftover candy and all you have to make is a couple batches of royal icing.

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      A friend has a wonderful annual Halloween party which is 90% food and drink, but they set up one room as a sort of haunted house, with blacklight only and black drapes around the walls and ceiling, and skeletons etc hanging down, some of which are animated/motion activated. One has some kind of projection on to its face and tells a ghost story.

      People go back in multiple times through the evening for a gentle scare. It helps that there’s a bag of trick or treat candy in the room!

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Mask making was one of my favorite kid birthday parties. Although consider your supplies carefully…glitter is forever. And feathers aren’t very far behind.

    5. LilySparrow*

      It’s not comprehensive enough for a whole party theme, but I saw a youtube video this week of a pastry chef making a Hogwarts sorting hat crocembouche. The cream puffs had different colors of cream inside, so that was how you got “sorted” into your house.

      I am making that this year if it kills me.

  42. LibbyG*

    Does anyone have a ground source heat pump in their home? (As in, geothermal)?
    I’m trying to decarbonize our home, and our biggest fossil fuel consumption is natural gas for our furnace. We live in a cold climate – Great Lakes region, and I’m finding it hard to assess whether a ground source heat pump could do the job for us.

    1. fposte*

      The energy dot gov site has a big page on ground source heat pumps, and it looks like they’re actually pretty popular in colder states. I’m interested in this as well, in a years-down-the-road kind of way, so I’ll be looking at this thread.

    2. Forty Years in the Hole*

      Hi LibbyG. About five years ago we looked at installing one when our insurance would no longer provide coverage on the oil tank & furnace in the basement. We researched both ground and air source heat pumps. A neighbour swears by his, but due to cost factors and having to excavate either through Precambrian shield (we are in eastern Ontario), or plow up most of our front lawn (where the septic and 100 sq ft if drainage tile is located), we opted for air source. We can hit between -40c to +40c, but the air source heat pump does double duty by auto-converting the ambient temp into either heat or AC, depending on time of year. We set the system for 21.5c (about 72F) year round. Once it hits below 10c, the propane backup kicks in; that is really the only expense now as the system has paid for itself. We use equal billing for the propane so at times we pay almost nothing (propane, or hydro for the furnace) when the system isn’t running.

    3. Ranon*

      It’s worth looking into air source heat pumps as well- they’ve gotten much much much more efficient even in cold climates. It may be more cost effective to up your insulation and go air source. If you haven’t weatherized and upped your insulation yet that’s probably the more cost effective first step with either option- it will reduce your demand from any system and make your house more comfortable at lower temps. by reducing drafts and radiant cold.

    4. German Girl*

      My mom had a ground source heat pump in her last house and was pretty happy with it. She didn’t have a backup heater and didn’t need it. She had it cozy even when it was freezing for a few weeks. So I’d say go for it, you’ll be fine. It does need electricity though, so maybe invest in solar panels as well?

      I’d love to get a ground source heat pump but there are technical and space difficulties, so we’ve opted to start decarbonizing by installing two kinds of solar panels for hot water and electricity. Especially the hot water ones mean we don’t use our heating system at all during the summer months.

    5. LibbyG*

      Great stuff, y’all- thanks!

      We can definitely weatherize better (thanks, Ranon!) And get some more specific info (Thanks, fposte!) And, if a ground source pump turns out to be a good solution, then, yeah, we should hold off on the landscaping investments (thanks, Forty!) And i sort of forgot about hot water (Thanks, German Girl!)

      After dealing with home heating, then it’s just my beloved gas range to deal with. Multicooker and toaster oven, I guess!

      1. Ranon*

        For what it’s worth, the last green home seminar I went to suggested heat pump hot water and electric solar is a more practical option than solar hot water these days- heat pumps are so efficient and electric solar panels so cheap that it’s just not worth having a separate system for hot water unless you use really extraordinary amounts of it.

  43. Mimmy*

    (Alison, my main question below isn’t work-related but it does mention someone I’ve worked/volunteered with – if it’s not appropriate for the weekend thread, I won’t be offended if you have to delete it)

    Well this sure has been one craptastic week, particularly Thursday and Friday. I can’t get into it because some of it is work/internship related.

    But, it did include the passing of someone well-known to people with disabilities in my state. I wasn’t close with him but I did work with him directly for a couple of brief periods and we knew each other fairly well through various groups. I’m particularly upset because his services this coming week are too far away for me to get to and I can’t really justify spending money on flowers. This is one time where I wish I could drive :(

    I may consider sending a card to his family but I don’t know them personally nor do I know their address. Would it be tacky to ask for their address, even if it’s to ask one of my friends who may know it? Another thought: Maybe send a card to where the wake will be?

    1. WellRed*

      It’s not tacky to send the card. A brief note or highlight of how you know him and admired his work or whatever makes sense. Ask a friend for the address.

      1. Asenath*

        That’s what I’ve done in similar situations – sent it to the funeral home. And do send it – I know from experience that a really thoughtful note can mean a lot to the family even if they didn’t know the sender.

    3. Courageous cat*

      I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t think it would be tacky.

      As an aside, y’all, no one’s saying you can’t mention work in passing – it’s just that your comment shouldn’t be *about* work.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Cards from people who worked with or for or were customers of my parents were extremely moving to receive.

    5. Reba*

      Sorry for your loss and your bad week.

      I think it’s always good to err on the side of sending the card. To the funeral home works.
      It sounds like it would feel good for you, as well as for the family, to express what this person meant to you.

  44. Nicki Name*

    Does Poo-Pourri work for pet odors, or is there something similar I can get for them?

    Our cats are on a specialized diet right now because one of them may be allergic to the regular food we were feeding them. They’re fine with the new food but something about it is making litterbox visits… very pungent. It doesn’t matter how often the litterbox is cleaned, the smell can really linger afterward.

    1. fposte*

      Poo-Pourri has an FAQ that says don’t–it’s got citrus in it, which is bad for cats and may put them off the litterbox.

    2. Goose Lavel*

      Arm & Hammer makes a baking soda specifically for Cat boxes. We have it and it works really well and a little goes a long way for deodorizing the box. Highly recommended.

    3. Robin Q*

      Natures miracle makes something to shake into the litterbox, it works wonders and even on cats that are particularly smelly.

    5. PowerRanger*

      Stay away from natural oils like poo porri because many cats cannot handle natural oils, even in diffusers. There’s an air absorber that I buy at the store that absorbs pet orders. I often can be found where litter boxes are sold

    6. Boobookitty*

      I use “World’s Best Cat Litter”. It’s made of corn and is flushable. I like the one in the red bag because some of the others have smells like pine cones which I don’t like. I put litter boxes in my bathrooms and flush waste as soon as I become aware of it. The smell doesn’t seem to linger. And “pungent” is a kind word to describe the eye-watering stench my elderly kitty (19 years) produces multiple times per day. I’ve asked why he won’t poop only once per day like his younger brother, to no avail.

  45. Marcy*

    We are looking for a place to spend Thanksgiving weekend in the southeast U.S. (We are empty nesters – kids not coming home. )

    Any suggestions?

    1. MigratingCoconuts*

      Ever been to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville NC? My husband and I spent 4 days in the area. Lots of cool spots in the city itself, very walkable. The the estate was really cool.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I second a trip to the Biltmore. If OP is planning on going during Thanksgiving weekend, the house will already be decorated for Christmas, and the candlelight Christmas tour should be up and running in the evenings, with different musical groups in to perform each night. The house is gooooorgeous when it’s decorated for the holidays, and the massive 6-foot gingerbread recreation of the Biltmore on exhibit in the old below-stairs kitchen is truly impressive.

        Source: sang in a college choir that was invited to perform in the Christmas tour every year I attended. Lots of fun, lots of good memories. I plan to take my daughter during the holiday season in the next year or two.

    2. Overeducated*

      Charleston SC seems to be the most popular long weekend destination among my coworkers and friends right now – never been there myself but they are all history buffs and rave about it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        That’s the first one I thought of–make sure it’s drained out from hurricanes, I guess. (Apparently a very low-lying area that floods if anything meteorological sneezes.)

        1. Clisby*

          Hailing from Charleston SC here.

          Atlantic hurricane season will be almost over by Thanksgiving. (Based on history, I think most locals figure the season is realistically over by the end of October. But no guarantees.)

          Fall (and spring) are great times to visit Charleston. I have no idea why so many tourists show up in the summer. If I could afford it, I’d flee to the mountains of NC every year.

          Don’t be one of those tourists who visits an historic plantation and complains that the guides talk about slavery. I cannot eyeroll enough about this.

          1. Overeducated*

            LOL yes. My friends are a lot of people who work or have worked at historic sites and museums and are very interested in seeing how different places are moving more toward talking about slavery.

    3. Joie De Vivre*

      Blue Mountain Mist Inn in the Pigeon Forge Tenn area. When I was there, it was wonderful. It has been years since I’ve been there, so you’d need to research it.

      1. Joie De Vivre*

        Just looked – the correct name & location: Blue Mountain Mist Country Inn and Cottages in Sevierville, TN.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      We had a lovely Thanksgiving on the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Beautiful area. You can take hang-gliding lessons at Kitty Hawk if you’re like my spouse and kids.

      1. Clisby*

        The Outer Banks is just beautiful. I hadn’t thought about spending Thanksgiving there, but it could work.

        1. Clisby*

          Adding … I was just reading a newspaper article about people who stayed on Okracoke Island during Hurricane Dorian. Man, they’re hard-core. We didn’t leave Charleston, either, but Okracoke is accessible only by boat. I’m pretty sure I would have gone.

    6. Lady Jay*

      Not sure what it’s like at Thanksgiving time, but Savannah, GA is a beautiful old city–lots to sea, and plenty of places to walk along/see/enjoy the shoreline.

      1. Madam Secretary*

        Seconding SAV and nearby Tybee Island. Plenty of Southern Cooking restaurants open if you want to have TG dinner.

    7. MsChanandlerBong*

      My husband and I went to Washington D.C. one Thanksgiving, and it was awesome. Old Ebbitt Grill has a nice prix fixe Thanksgiving dinner, and the hotel rates were lower than usual.

      1. Marcy*

        We did DC 2 years ago at Thanksgiving and you’re right – it was great. Some of the museums were open on Thanksgiving. And our chain downtown hotel (walking distance to the mall) was less than $100 per night. I would definitely recommend it for others.

  46. WellRed*

    Like many here, I want to get more exercise. The city rec program offers water aerobics which appeals to me, just for an hour a week. Is it a decent work out? Where does one get a swim cap? Any other tips? It’s from 6 to 7pm so likely won’t be a bunch of 80 year olds (they can take the morning session ; ) Also, just tell me to GO!

    1. Joie De Vivre*

      It has been a while since I’ve done water aerobics – I didn’t need a swim cap because in theh program I did, we never went under water. I had to wear water shoes or socks on my feet during the class. If I didn’t, the pool floor would tear up the skin on my feet. Yes, it is a VERY good workout. The water provides a lot of resistance.

    2. Parenthetically*

      I LOVE water aerobics. It’s low-impact but you can work as hard as you want, IMO — slow movements using your body’s momentum in the water will give you a nice refreshing experience; moving more quickly with firmer limbs and core while fighting the urge to use momentum (i.e. moving strictly in a rhythm and pushing against the flow of the water as you move) will give you a great cardiovascular and muscle workout.

      Ditto not needing a swim cap — you can ask about this in advance, but the ones I’ve taken in two states at different pools didn’t require putting your head under water at all (and in fact the AquAerobics gals were exempt from the “must shower from head to toe before entering the pool” rule). I always just kept my hair up in a high bun.

    3. Jaid*

      Swim caps are available online at Walmart, Amazon, wherever. Just Google ’em.

      I got a swim belt which helps when “jogging” in the water, especially in the deep end. It keeps your body upright in the water. There’s also swimming weights that attach to your ankles and hands.

      GO! If you have spoons to go, it’s worth it!

    4. Professor Plum*

      GO! I’m on my way out the door now to my Saturday aqua class. It’s become the cornerstone to my workout plan. The class is warm and welcoming to newcomers. Many hang out in the hot tub afterwards. By my second week people knew me by name. Now we encourage each other in other fitness classes. Love it!

    5. Asenath*

      I started it a couple years ago and really love it – it’s a good workout (although you get out what you put in; there are a couple people who tend to catch up on their lives while splashing gently!) Most of the people in the classes I go to are older women, but occasionally a man or some younger women show up. The pool I go to offers both shallow and deep water aerobics; I do both, although I prefer deep water. Mostly you don’t need a swim cap, although some participants wear them. You can buy them at some pools, and at any swimwear store. There are people who go through an entire class without a cap and never get their hair wet (particularly during shallow water fitness), but I just let my hair get wet, not worrying about a cap or trying to keep it dry. One woman has some kind of hearing issue, and pulls a cap down over her ears and keeps her head out of the water, but she’s still a regular. We borrow the equipment – the belts for deep water, and the boards and weights and sometimes noodles for both – at the pool. The other participants are generally very friendly, at least at the classes I attend. Instructors vary a bit – some give a better workout and encourage everyone to move as much as they can, others a more relaxed, but it’s assumed that you’ll do what you feel like you can do, and if some movement is giving you trouble, you just substitute a simpler one. The pattern is typical of exercise classes – slow warm-up, faster moves to get your heart rate up, balancing on the board and other movements to strengthen your core, cool down and relaxing. You don’t even need to know how to swim, although it helps for deep water fitness. The worse thing is changing into and out of all the layers of clothing in the winter.

      1. WellRed*

        Yeah, the changing un winter is something I’m dreading. I wear glasses, but not in the pool, obvi. Will I be able to follow along ok. I’m not blind, but…

        2. Asenath*

          I’m pretty nearsighted, but I can follow, especially if the instructor gestures a lot, as most of them do. I sometimes have difficulty hearing – I swear I’m not losing my hearing (yet); it’s the effect of the loud music and the echos in a big open space. They aren’t terribly rigid about following exactly, which is a good thing because when we’re supposed to do X repetitions of something, some of us manage it, most of us are much slower and a few do something different. It’s informal enough that the variations don’t bother anyone.

          Some participants wear their glasses in the pool; I’ve a fear of losing them in the deep end, but the people who wear them don’t seem to lose them.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Water exercise – my YMCA called it aquacises – is wonderful. You don’t get hot and sweaty, however hard you work!

      Be prepared for your muscles to feel like overcooked pasta when you climb out after class, though. With the water both supporting and cooling your body, you just don’t realize. It came as a big surprise my first time.

      Some pools require bathing caps to keep hair out of the filters. Even with a cap, your hair still gets wet. When I had long hair, I just braided it for class and washed it afterwards. You might want to buy some anti-chlorine shampoo, especially if you have color-treated hair; ask your stylist about it.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you shower before going in, your skin & hair absorb clear water so you’ll get less chlorine damage even without a cap.
      Sports stores like Dick’s carry caps & goggles, but a lot less after end of summer. As much as I like supporting the stores (even chains now), I now buy my goggles & nose- and earplugs online.
      Hmm…with my extreme change in hairlength I could get a cap too.

    8. LilySparrow*

      The Target and Walmart near me carry swim caps year-round. Swim team is very popular, and has indoor meets, so there’s a demand.

  47. Kuododi*

    Well I saw the breast surgeon for my post op check. The pathology was very good!!! They got the entire tumor with good clean margins. Most importantly, none of the sampled lymph nodes tested positive. I meet with the Medical Oncologist Wednesday to discuss radiation follow up as a preventative measure. After that… just regular monitoring. Woohoo!!!

    16. Venus*

      Thank you so much for sharing although I’m sure you’re shouting this type of good news as far and wide as possible. I had a feeling of such dread when I read your previous posts, based on some experiences around here, and I am just so thrilled and relieved to see today’s update! I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Such a celebration!

  48. Jaid*

    I couldn’t sleep, so this morning I’m doing food prep and watching Snow Miku Live at Sapparo (Volaloid singers, very cute, very peppy music). It’s not even 11 and I’ve washed dishes, prepped char siu bacon, ginger garlic soy tofu, cleaned five heads of garlic and cut up a huge knob of ginger. I’ve got dried mushrooms soaking and plan to julienne snow peas and a carrot. I’ve already blanched some bok choy and broccoli rabe. I

    I want to make sambal (chili paste condiment), ginger garlic congee, Bubur Manado Tinutuan (Manadonese porridge), and some other dishes. I’ve been reading Chinese danmei and one of them has food discussed in every single chapter. *drools*

    *Interesting tip, you can use a spoon to remove the ginger peel and scrape the ginger instead of cutting it up. May not work if the ginger is old.

    1. Parenthetically*

      I’ve ONLY peeled ginger with a spoon since I learned that trick. It makes me crazy when I see people on cooking shows cutting half the ginger off doing it with a knife. It’s so fast and zero waste to do with a spoon!

      1. fposte*

        I just use a vegetable peeler; I didn’t like the knife or spoon methods much, and this seems to split the difference–fast but little waste.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I freeze my ginger since it keeps longer and is easier to grate. I also don’t peel at all – just remove any bigger pieces of peel from the pile. I can’t taste it or find it in the food and I figure it’s more fiber. But mostly it’s a heck of a lot easier. Just embrace the (grated) peel!

      1. Parenthetically*

        If I buy ginger for a specific recipe when we’ve run out, I’ll peel with a spoon and use it fresh. Otherwise I freeze and grate without worrying about peeling.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My husband scrubs them and minces the peel and all. So, it’s edible if you don’t mind the aesthetics.

  49. JDC*

    So this week I had to rush husband to the emergency room with abdominal pain. It is under control now but we consulted with the surgeon yesterday and his gallbladder will be removed in a couple weeks. I’m happy they are taking it out. So happy. My ex ignored the pain and it ended up with insane complications and a month of hospitalization. Do not want to go down that route again so I am ready to get this out of him. I know he’ll feel so much better too!

    1. Goose Lavel*

      I highly recommend The DaVinci surgical robot from Intuitive Surgical for removing the gallbladder.
      My wife had hers done with the DaVinci and was left with no abdominal scars (small incision required in the belly button).
      She had very little post-op pain. Worth checking out the local hospitals to see who has the DaVinci robot and getting a surgeon who is well versed on this single site surgery.
      Let me know if you have any questions as I was a Development, Manufacturing engineer for the single site surgery tools at Intuitive Surgical.

    2. MsChanandlerBong*

      He will feel SO much better. Before I had my gallbladder out, I didn’t have a lot of pain (I had acalculous gallbladder disease, so no stones), but I would get SO sick if I ate the wrong foods. Toward the end, I went 18 days in a row completely unable to drink even a few sips of water without retching–I actually had to go to the ER for Zofran one night b/c it was so out of control. Having the surgery was such a relief.

      1. Jdc*

        That’s good to hear. I know my ex said the same. I just am hoping no attacks between now and surgery date. Of course now he says jokingly that I ruin all men’s gallbladders. Must be the Italian cooking. Haha.

      2. Jdc*

        Oh and Zofran is a miracle. It should be over the counter. My doctor lets me keep some on hand at home. Luckily he’s pretty awesome about doing stuff like that rather than coming for an appointment every time. Anytime I get an antibiotic he also prescribe meds for yeast infection since that’s the only time I get them but i sure as heck will, instead of going in for yet another appointment to get it. Sorry for that detail people but it’s a thing that happens.

  50. Red Sky*

    We’ve been eating a lot of stir-fries over rice lately and usually wind up with leftover rice. Instead of reducing the amount of rice I make, I thought I’d see if y’all have any favorite recipes to use up the leftover rice (usually jasmine) other than Fried Rice? Preferably gluten-free and low dairy if possible.

    1. Jaid*

      Rice pancakes, using eggs as the binder, use the rice in meatloaf instead of breadcrumbs, use in cassaroles, add to soups and stews.

      1. Red Sky*

        Oooh, being gluten-intolerant, I love the idea of using rice in meatloaf instead of bread crumbs! It seems so obvious, but I never would have thought of that on my own.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          My mom uses oats instead of bread crumbs as her meatloaf binder, so that’s another GF option if you buy GF oats.

          1. Red Sky*

            Thanks! Unfortunately, I am one of those people who also have a reaction to GF oats. Was making homemade GF granola and still having symptoms, but couldn’t figure out what from. A comment here clued me in to this being a thing, eliminated the GF oats and symptoms went away.

          2. Parenthetically*

            I started using ground flaxseed during my grain-free phase and rarely use anything else now!

      2. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Second the casserole idea. We make a casserole out of leftovers (like chili or stew) at least once per week and rice is an excellent addition to the dish, especially if the leftovers are on the liquidy side.

    3. Not A Manager*

      You can make a lovely rice pudding with or without egg, using almond milk or coconut milk. I don’t like it very sweet so I add just a little sugar, some raisins or dried fruit, and various spices.

      This might be too fried-rice adjacent, but I like leftover rice in a frittata as well.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Yes, we use rice in meatballs — I particularly love lamb and rice with lots of garlic and lemon and fresh oregano, but ground beef and rice (and garlic, onions, etc.) stuffed into squash or peppers and baked in spicy tomato sauce is a classic!

      You can make a gorgeous rice pudding with coconut milk or almond milk. I always like to steep a few cardamom pods in as it cooks, but cinnamon and nutmeg and citrus zest are also lovely.

      Rice also freezes beautifully. I first learned the tip about freezing rice from the Japanese Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, and figured if it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for me. Freeze in portion sizes in ziplock bags, and flatten completely to press out air and for ease of storage.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We made stuffed squash this week… when we ran out of squash we picked some grape leaves to use the last of the filling. (Better to pick the leaves earlier than September lol)

    5. aarti*

      You can make Tomato Rice or Lemon Rice (both delicious Indian dishes) with leftover rice. We make it for lunch a lot. You can Google recipes that specifically use leftover rice.

      1. Red Sky*

        OMG, I just googled Lemon Rice and I think it’s a dish my mom used to (rarely) make when I was a kid. I never knew the name of it and she passed before I really started cooking regularly, so never got the recipe. Thank you for the trip down memory lane, I’m definitely giving it a try soon.

    6. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I use rice for lunches, mostly in some configuration of rice, pesto, garlic, sunny-side-up eggs, salsa, hot sauce, grape tomatoes… whatever I’ve got around to toss in a bowl with eggs & rice. It’s my classic weekend lunch :)

    7. HannahS*

      May not be to everyone’s taste, but I use leftover rice (especially brown rice) as a breakfast cereal. I eat it cold with milk and a bit of cinnamon. Almond milk, in your case. You can also freeze cooked rice and reheat later in a dish covered with a damp kitchen towel. You could use it to make congee the next night, or overnight for breakfast. You can go authentic with ginger and chicken, but you could also put in cinnamon/sugar and use instead of oatmeal.

      1. epi*

        I eat rice for breakfast too but I heat it so it comes out more like oatmeal. It is really good!

        I literally just heat it on the stovetop with milk, water, or whatever I have around. I add enough liquid to make it look a bit soupy, then reduce. It’s good with jam on it. I’ve also added a little granola or nuts as it’s cooking.

    9. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      So my Fam loves sticky rice – LOVES. When I make it I double or triple the recipe, put it in portion packs and freeze it. Microwaves great. So maybe that idea will help?

    10. Clisby*

      Add it to soup.

      Eat it plain, with soy sauce, vinegar, or hot sauce sprinkled on top. (I’m coastal SC, where no meal is complete without rice.)

      If you cook pot roast or chicken, make gravy and serve it over rice.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I make extra rice when I cook Asian or Indian food. It’s good for breakfast (hot with whatever kind of milk you want, a little sugar, and cinnamon). We used to eat this when I was a child. I also like it with chili.

    12. Reba*

      If you have a decent amount, like 2 c, you can use it as a GF “crust” for quiche! Mix with an egg white and season, par bake for a few minutes and then fill and bake.

    13. Alexandra Lynch*

      You can mix with an egg, season with cinnamon and vanilla, and deepfry them for fritters. This is very tasty.

    14. heckofabecca*

      Onigiri? Don’t know if it would work with jasmine rice, but a friend makes it with 12-grain rice, so perhaps?

  51. Nessun*

    Qork has been an utter gong show lately and it’s not going to end until after year-end (this month) plus there’s other stuff going on with my role. I find myself really looking forward to the weekend and my new hobby -learning Tarot. I’m taking s course and it’s going well, I’m really starting to connect with the cards. I also pull a card a day.

    I have a few books, and several decks (my kickstarter addiction is melding nicely with my new interest). I am curious about other resources though. When this course is done I have a few ideas where to dig in further, but I’m open to suggestions. Its fascinating stuff, and I’m barely touching the surface. I’m also getting really intrigued by the symbols and sigils I run into – but finding places to learn about those is much more difficult.

      1. Nessun*

        I’ve been studying using Rider-Waite, but my first deck is Marseilles. I’ve kind of put it aside for the course, since the instructor uses RW. Thanks for the recc, I’ll have to check their books next.

        1. Baru Cormorant*

          I used Rider-Waite and Gutenberg should have A.E. Waite’s guide to interpreting it. I found it very helpful to get a baseline for the major arcana especially.

  52. Amy*

    If you had three weeks off around Christmas and the ability to go for a trip anywhere in the US or Canada, where would you go?

    One place we’re considering is the Pacific Northwest, since we’ve never been there. Anyone from that area want to chime in?

    Pertinent info: we’ll be traveling with our three-year-old, we need to be somewhere with wifi for my husband’s work, and since my grad school is coming to a close this will likely be my last three-week stretch of vacation in many years, so we’d like to make it count.

    Thanks everybody!

    2. Goose Lavel*

      Highly recommend a trip up the Columbia River. Drive in a car and stop at multiple water falls along the way. Very beautiful country.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Weather in the PNW is not predictable that time of year, so that’s something to keep in mind. Some years, it’s in the 40s and rainy, other years it dumps enough snow and ice to shut down most of the city you’re in for multiple days. (Roads in the PNW are crowned aggressively enough for the rain to roll off easily, so if you get freezing rain, your car will also roll off easily….my dad worked as a traffic engineer in both Alaska and Oregon, and he’d drive in the snow in Alaska but avoids it in Oregon since in Oregon when it snows the roads are mostly unplowed, crowned for rain, and full of people who have no idea what they are doing.)

      Assuming you don’t get snowmageddon (which happens every 3-5 years), it will probably be a rainy time of year to visit so you’d want to think about indoor activities as well as outdoor ones. Most of my favorite things to recommend to tourists aren’t really winter things, but that may just be because I tend not to have any time to do fun things in the winter myself.

    4. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      If you want to do nature stuff, it’s probably not a great time to visit the PNW. I mean, it’s fine, but it does get cold and snow.

      I wanna visit Orange Beach, Alabama sometime; it’s a gulf beach town, really nice, but not as tourist-filled as the coastal beach towns. And probably pretty nice in winter?

      Washington, DC is pretty good to visit in winter. Our tourist season is in the summer, which not only means more crowded public transit, it’s also just an awful time to be in DC – it gets pretty hot, and ridiculously humid. Much of what’s cool in DC is indoors, lots of museums and and cool buildings. Especially around Christmas, the city empties out a bit of all the people who aren’t originally from the area and are visiting their families elsewhere, so the lines are shorter and it’s much easier to get into the restaurants you want to try out.

      1. Marcy*

        We were in DC over Thanksgiving last year and had a wonderful time. The very nice downtown hotel was less than $100 per night and within walking distance of the mall. There are lots of things to do and great food options.

      2. Washi*

        Yep, we all breathe a sigh of relief when the hot and touristy summer season ends. And it’s a relatively affordable place to visit, especially in the winter, since fly into National and stay downtown, you won’t have to rent a car, plus almost everything is free. The zoo and natural history museum are awesome in the winter since it’s so much quieter, plus the national children’s museum is supposed to open in November 2019!

    5. HannahS*

      Most of Canada is in not-great weather at that time of the year. The west coast is pretty cold and rainy, which excludes a lot of the nature-based activities people like to do there, unless you’re big winter sports. I’m from Toronto, and I have to say that it’s not at its best, that time of year–the weather is still often quite wet rather than snowy, and the indoor attractions get super crowded when school is let out. Montreal and Quebec have fun winter festivals, but it’s COLD, and I think it might be hard to find three weeks of stuff to do with a young kid. In your shoes, I’d go south, somewhere warm. Actually, maybe Hawaii, if leaving the continental US is an option. If not, maybe hit some cities in California? San Francisco, LA, Palm Springs?

    6. Pippa K*

      Santa Fe is a great Christmas destination. Lots to do in the area, wintry but not damp, beautiful scenery, great food.

    7. CAA*

      What kinds of things do you like to do when you’re on vacation? Winter days are short in the northern latitudes, so even aside from the weather, sometimes it’s hard to plan outdoor activities just because it gets dark so early. If you’re mostly into food, coffee, beer, museums, indoor activities, then you could split your time between Seattle and Portland and have a great time. You could even do San Francisco and one of the others if you wanted. SF is a wonderful city, though you have to be careful to find a hotel that’s in a decent neighborhood.

      For myself, if I could go anywhere in North America, I’d probaby head for warmth and sunshine. Miami and the Keys or Hawaii would be my picks. You could visit 3 islands in Hawaii with that much time.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        If you decide to do both San Francisco and either Portland or Seattle, the train ride to/from San Jose to Portland is a pretty nice one if you haven’t had a chance to take Amtrak before. It’s overnight and long enough to get the “train experience” (eating a meal in the dining car and such) but less than a full 24 hours, and there’s some nice scenery along the way. San Jose and Portland both have nice train stations, too. Plenty of people take the train with little kids, so that part is very do-able (either in regular coach or in a sleeper). Of course, in the winter you can get train delays due to either snow or landslides. I don’t think the train has wifi along that route, though.

    8. MaxiesMommy*

      San Diego. Disneyland is just an hour away, the weather is perfect, lots of restaurants overlooking the Pacific. San Diego Zoo is very manageable because of hop-on, hop-off trams. You can train or drive to LA for a few days if you get the urge to see the Getty. VERY family friendly, many price ranges.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        That’s understating the trip a bit. Downtown San Diego is 95 miles from Disneyland, which one could probably do in 90 minutes if there’s no traffic at all. It’s a very doable day trip for sure, but from a planning perspective it’s more realistic to consider it 2 hours to get from SD to Disneyland, unless you’re starting from the northern part of SD county.

    9. ..Kat..*

      I would not recommend the PNW at this time of year. We tend to have all day drizzle. The days are short and grey and dreary. And the nights are long.

      My husband and I like to go to San Diego for vacation in the winter. Lots to do there: the zoo, Birch aquarium, Lego land, etc.

      Have you considered staying at three different places for a week each? Obviously, you would want these places to be relatively close, otherwise you will spend too much time in the car.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you like winter, turn these ideas on their head and try Vermont — it’s more than downhill skiing. A winter trip there gave me my first gasping beautiful look at the Milky Way without light pollution. Although we didn’t see Northern Lights, it was possible. Cross country skiing, snowmobiles, and not far to go down to Massachusetts or Connecticut. (Hartford makes a big deal out of New Years Eve, including 2 rounds of fireworks and keeping the carousel open past midnight.)

    11. Madam Secretary*

      This is a great time to be somewhere in the Great Smokies in Tennessee or North Carolina. Lots of family stuff inside and outside, touristy and local gems, urban and rural settings, beautiful and easy day trips.

  53. MOAS*

    My mom is travelling back to the home country in a few weeks. Original date was November but she pushed it up to now. She says the reason is b/c she wants to give me space and doesn’t feel happy here anymore. All b/c of my attitude towards her. A few weeks ago I kind of lost it and said that she’s never loved me, loved my sibling more than me, etc. SHe was hurt and upset about that and said how could I ever think a mother can’t love her child etc. Anyways, things calmed down.

    So, I should feel happy that she’s going away sooner than expected, but…..I’m feeling unease. Not happy. I don’t know.

    so….follow up question. therapy is once a week or every 2 weeks. how the heck does one decide what to talk about?so many things happen, work, mom, not to mention the underlying things which I haven’t even touched (self esteem, weight etc). When I do see him, I just alk about the most recent stuff. There’s only so much that can be discussedin 1 hour.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Your mother is being passive-aggressive and punishing you. Of course you feel uneasy.

      I definitely think this should go on the top of the Talk About In Therapy list. Are you able to schedule more frequent appointments maybe just between now and her departure, so that you have some support?

      ALSO… don’t be at all shocked, no matter what your outward attitude is about her leaving early, if she manages to delay her early departure or at least talk about delaying it. Your mother wants you to feel crappy about this, and I think she’ll find ways to be sure that you do.

    2. Goose Lavel*

      A good therapist will be able to suss out your main issues within two or so sessions and then help you onto a path to healing and self improvement.

    3. Her name is Anne she has no other*

      My therapist always starts with “how was your week?”
      And then I answer it (stressed at work, saw a friend, had to do some self care, whatever) and then that naturally leads on to other or related thoughts to dig through.

      So, if I was answering that q from my therapist with your situation, I would’ve said “I had a fight with my mother which then may lead into more details etc.

    4. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I prioritize talking about things in therapy that I can’t talk about with anyone else. I’m really close to my partner and talk about almost everything with him, but sometimes friends will tell me something in confidence that I can’t talk with him about, and those are things I’ll talk with my therapist about.

      I also prioritize things that I genuinely want additional perspectives on (like decisions I need to make, or talking through something that happened that i’m not sure how to react to, etc), and things that, when I don’t talk about them, feels like I’m hiding it? Like, if there’s something that I feel ashamed or embarrassed about, that’s usually a good sign that I should tell him about it. Therapists can’t really help if they don’t know the problem!

      It sounds like your therapist lets you guide the topics of the sessions, which is fine, but it doesn’t have to be that way if it’s not working for you. You could tell them that you feel like you end up talking about whatever’s recent a lot and that you’d like to spend more time getting into underlying things. You can tell them that you want them to drive the topics of your sessions more. They’re the expert, they certainly have specific questions they like to ask to learn important things about you.

    5. chi chan*

      I would start talking about underlying issues and tie in present issues. Like I would say I have low self esteem and it affected me this week when I couldn’t speak up in a group. And if the therapist lets me I talk about other incidents associated with it.

    6. Madam Secretary*

      I invest in a two-hour session every two weeks, because I’ll barely scratch the surface in an hour! Wishing you the best for feeling better about this.

  54. RoadsLady*

    Sigh. Help me manage relationships and boundaries as an adult. For I am an adult in my mid thirties with a family of my own.

    I’m going through something with my husband. It sucks and we are trying to figure out how to navigate it.

    But it is not my problem here.

    My problem is my relationship with my parents. We live close and we generally have a good relationship. But… My mom struggles with boundaries. She is something of a “husband basher” for the fun of it. It has impacted my parents’ marriage at times, but it’s difficult for her to change habits.

    Anywho, this is one of those situations that will come out and I know my parents will flip.

    They are hard to talk down when it comes to boundaries. Suggestions?

    1. fposte*

      If it’s this ingrained a habit, you may need to do more than just talk her down. “Mom, I really want your help *not* to think about this. If you can’t do that, I may need to talk to you another time. Can we talk about the kids?” If even the bait of grandkids isn’t enough to change the subject for her, you may need to say “Then I’m going to need to end the conversation, because this is *bad for me.* I’ll see you tomorrow/talk to you next Sunday/whatever” and take your leave. Don’t just decide to keep the conversation going until she sees things your way, because that’s probably not going to happen, and it’s going to take a lot of your energy.

      1. Red Sky*

        I want to emphasize the “I need…” language. “Mom, for the sake of my own mental health, I need you to stop with the husband bashing.” I’ve found it really effective in that it centers the conversation around what you need from a relationship rather than what the other person is doing, with less chance of the person feeling attacked. She may still get defensive or try to brush it off as a joke, let her, then reiterate “Nonetheless, I still need you to stop. Can you do that?”

        She may try to get you to justify why you need less husband bashing. Don’t argue or defend, it gives her additional points to attack. Just keep returning to your original request. “It doesn’t matter why, I just need you to stop. Can you do that?”

        If she continues husband bashing after you’ve asked her to stop, exit the conversation, leave her presence. If you stay you’re teaching her she can continue without consequences. If it gets to this point, you may get some pushback after the first few times; stay strong! I’ve found they’ll eventually get it if they want to continue a relationship.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. In my experience, retraining yourself or your parent is very hard to do when you’re under extreme stress. In the future, it might be possible to work with her/set boundaries so that you can have safe conversations about spouses. But I don’t think this is the right time to do that.

      I think in this one case you need to just set an explicit Off Limits boundary around Husband Talk of any kind, and especially This Situation talk at all. Once she finds out about the situation, tell her ONCE that you are addressing it together and that you won’t be talking with her about it. If she wants reasons, just tell her, again ONE TIME, that it’s better and healthier for you and your husband to deal with this yourselves.

      Then ruthlessly enforce the boundary by saying goodbye/ending conversations if she brings it up. I think it will only take one or two iterations of this to keep her mostly quiet.

      It’s hard because you’re close to your parents and obviously in an ideal world you could look to them for help and support, but in this case I think you need to find other sources for that.

    3. ..Kat..*

      Captain Awkward has some good blog posts on how to set boundaries for conversations. And how to maintain those boundaries.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Boundaries start with yourself, knowing what you can control and what you can’t. Being an adult means that you are responsible for getting your own needs met. That starts with articulating them, and then making choices to fulfill those needs.

      You can’t control other people’s feelings or opinions. You can control how you process and respond to those feelings, and how you speak about those feelings to yourself & others.

      You can’t control what another person says. You can control what you listen to, and when, where and with whom you discuss certain topics.

      You can’t control other people’s behavior. You can control where you go and who you spend time with.

      Communicate with your parents about how you feel when they say or do hurtful or upsetting things. Ask for what you need, and tell them what would be helpful, and feel loving & supportive to you.

      Then see what they choose to do, and make your own choices accordingly.

  56. Lauren*

    I have to have a crown put on my back tooth. Do they put you under for that or just numb the area? I’ve never had one done, so I’m a bit nervous. Is there pain or discomfort after having it done?

    1. Max Kitty*

      Just numb the area. Once it’s done there shouldn’t be much pain or discomfort (beyond some soreness because you just had dental work done in that area).

    2. fposte*

      That’s generally just a local. It’s kind of like a big filling except they’re putting a tent over a bigger area rather than patching the road. Usually there are two steps: one to drill out the decay, and another to fit the permanent crown; you’ll have a temporary for the intervening week or two. Your jaw might get a little sore from staying open longer for a back tooth. They’ll also need to check your bite (since the surface on the crown may be a little different), and they should be willing to do a bite adjustment later if you later realize there’s a high spot that needs to be ground down a little.

    3. Merci Dee*

      I’ve had to get 2 crowns. First was in conjunction with a root canal. Second was because a tooth that already has a filling cracked and a piece broke off.

      Local anesthetic with both crowns. With the first one, the only discomfort I had was with the muscles in my jaw because I had to keep my mouth open for 3 hours. The tooth was absolutely fine. The second one didn’t have any discomfort at all. After they numbed me, they just ground down the remaining bit of tooth to hold the crown, created and placed the temporary one, and I was on my way in about 45 minutes.

      In both cases, I went back after 2 weeks for the permanent crowns. No anesthetic was required for those trips, because the root canal and filling I’d previously had meant they weren’t dealing with any live nerves. They just gently wiggled the temps off, brushed on some liquid that helped to prevent decay under the crowns (and they warned me there might be a touch of sensitivity when they brushed on the solution, but I didn’t have any problems with it), and then cemented on the permanent fittings in place and had me bite down and wiggle my jaw all around to ensure proper contact and placement.

      You’ll do great! It’s a little time and effort, but definitely worth it.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      My dentist gave me *some* gas when preparing the tooth (lots of drilling), because I’m one of those people who are resistant to Novocain. To get sufficient numbing effect from Novocain alone would leave my jaw numb for a full day or more. (It’s not because I’m a wimpy: for small fillings I don’t get painkillers at all.)
      So, not enough gas to knock me out, just to take the edge off: what comes through the two shots of Novocain feels more like heat and pressure than actual pain, though I do still feel some.
      Afterwards, if they tell you not to eat or drink for X hours, believe them. You do NOT want to dislodge the temporary crown.

      For putting the finished crown in place? No pain killer needed.

      1. fposte*

        It can also be patient’s choice, I think; my teeth in that area are *super* sensitive but don’t meet root canal standards, so I said I would like novocaine for sure on the 2nd appointment, and that was fine.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      If you’re very nervous about dental work, you can find a dentist who will put you under. Normally, though, a crown requires just local numbing.
      Best of luck.

    6. Tris Prior*

      I’ve had 3 crowns and just been numbed for them. Discomfort afterward was minimal; some gum soreness but not any, like, throbbing or anything. With one of them, I had the temporary crown for longer than usual due to being out of town, and my gums got kind of irritated around the edges of the temporary. But that healed in, like, a day after I had the permanent crown put on.

      I think the worst part is that at some point they put some substance in there – I have no idea what it is – that tastes truly horrible and foul. If Satan had a taste, this would be it. Some advance warning from the dentist on that would have been nice, but it doesn’t last.

    7. Kuododi*

      I’ve had a couple of back crowns in my time. I was always numbed up with a local. I had one dentist who would give me a one time dose of Valium prior to the procedure. What I found helpful was to stick to soft cold foods for 24 hrs post op. (ie-yogurt, ice cream, cottage cheese etc.).My current oral surgeon suggested that to me. You’ll be great!!

    8. Dental Coward*

      My dentist does them using a local anesthetic. I request nitrous oxide (laughing gas), too, because I am so nervous. I also request a “bite block” to help hold my jaw open. The block is a rubber wedge which props your mouth open so you can relax your jaw muscles. With the gas and the bite block, they can do their work much more quickly which is better for everyone involved.

    9. Llellayena*

      I’ve had 3 crowns done at the same time. It’s just a local for me. The most annoying part for me is sitting there with my mouth stuck open while the mold sets (they make a mold of the tooth shape before they order the crown) or when the cement is setting. I also have TMJ so having my mouth open for a long time like that is really uncomfortable.

    10. KR*

      Ok, I recently had this done and I was flipping out. But it was no big deal at all and while I wouldn’t be happy if I needed another, I would not be nervous. It takes a long time to do the procedure and your jaw/the area can be sore for a day or two after but it’s not a sharp pain, more like a headache in your jaw (I have bad TMJ though so you may not have as much pain or it might be more uncomfortable for you as I am used to frequent jaw pain). Don’t eat crunchy things on the side of your mouth with the temp crown. For me temp crown was awful for a day or two, but it must not have been on correctly because I accidentally bit down on it and it went on the tooth completely and didn’t feel uncomfortable or noticeable again. Once they stick the real crown on there though it’s amazing how real it feels and how solid it is. If they’re doing the root canal too, prepare to be amazed. Your tooth will be completely numb and you won’t care what they do to it. It’s wierd having the dentist shape your tooth without novacaine and barely feel it at all, I tell you.

  57. Anono*

    Desperately in need of tips for how to get over a work crush. I cannot work with them less or see them less.

    1. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      What’s worked for me in the past is indulging the crush in your mind, but do so honestly. Like, have fun with the “oooh, it’s scandalous, it’s romantic, it’s a rush” aspects that make crushes appealing, but then imagine what happens after that. Imagine that, somehow, your lives came together and now you’re living with this person, adapting to their lifestyle, picking their clothes up off the floor. I think it helps your subconscious pick up better on the person’s flaws, or the unwelcome changes you’d have to make in your life to accommodate them.

      Like, I’m not an outdoors person, or a sports person, so if I had an office crush on someone who is really into either of those things, it’s easy to feel the “ugh, they’d want to go hiking all the time, and I’d either go and hate it or just be stuck home by myself playing video games” or “ugh they watch EVERY football game? All of them? I don’t want to do that.”

      The fantasy aspect gets it out of your system, and the realistic fantasy aspect I think accelerates the path back to normal respectful, friendly feelings. :)

      1. Parenthetically*

        Hahaha yes! I had an unrequited crush on a guy who was reeeeeally into cars, and I remember shuddering as I envisioned a future with him in which I had to go to car shows and feign interest in souped up little five-doors and I was like NO THANKS, PARENTHETICALLY OUT

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          One of those guys who’s so ultra fussy about his car it’s like he stepped out of the Shania Twain song?

    2. Eva and Me*

      Kimberlee is right! You can always imaging them leaving their dirty underwear and socks on the floor, leaving the toilet seat up, picking their nose, etc. Crushing involves seeing the romanticized version of someone, and reality is never that pretty!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I was just about to post almost the same thing — to try imagining them doing something really unsavory. I learned that a coworker I crushed on for years used to be a smoker. I kept imagining her smoking cigarettes, which (I apologize to the smokers here) is worse than death for me. I’m sure that won’t work for everyone, but it did for me.

      2. Alex*

        I also have a big ridiculous work crush.
        I’ve tried both imagining these gross non-romanticized things about her and also sometimes…well, she’s a human and I’ve actually seen her with BO, stuff stuck in her teeth, wardrobe malfunctions, etc.

        None of it lessens my crush, it actually makes it more intense. Is that weird and gross of me?

        (I’ll also fully admit here that in spite of the very wise advice to limit time with an inconvenient crush, I’ve been doing the opposite…I have no willpower whatsoever. I make plans with her outside of work pretty often. It’s bad. I know.)

        Sorry, I realize I may have hijacked this thread a bit and offered no advice, but seeing as I am in the same boat without any success, I can only send sympathetic vibes :(.

      3. MaxiesMommy*

        I envisioned mine complaining about my best dishes—scallops, chicken piccatta, all my baking—and he’d say it was crap and go get Mexican food or curry.

    3. Spooooon!!*

      I had a horribly painful work crush years ago, and while I did indulge myself in fun fantasies and let myself get excited if we had a good interaction, I would also ask myself, “but can you see yourself with them long term?” And I couldn’t. Eventually I got over the crush, and I met my now husband! (Not through work.)

  58. Rebecca*

    A good Mom Update: she’s walking really good with her walker, and wants a tray to fit down over the handles so when she comes home, she will be able to get things from the fridge to the counter/table more easily. She’s really starting to improve now that her cast is off, she’s still in the PCH, but doing more and more for herself every day. Urologist visit went well, she still has to go frequently, but no infections since starting meds in June. This has to be a record! He said she will still have interrupted sleep, but no infections, so no catheter needed yet. I have concerns about when she comes home, but not as many as before. Bottom line, if she can’t manage the bathroom overnight, by herself, she will need to hire someone to sit with her. The food is still not great at the PCH, and she complained about several things this week, so I told her “talk to the owner”. She had a chance to move, she didn’t want to go, so she’ll have to deal. Two appointments to juggle this week – one another home visit during the day and another checkup at the ortho. Mom will probably not get total use from her hand but with therapy and practice it’s getting a bit better.

    On the divorce front, I finally completed the last of the settlement payment, and my attorney said just think, you’ll never, ever have to talk to or deal with him again. I have slept so good lately. It’s like now everything is finally done. What a relief.

    On the home front, fleas have reared their ugly heads. The only thing I can figure out is that I was doing yard work on foot, pulling thistles, walking around a lot, and I think I dragged them into the house. I’ve treated all three cats, and I’m vacuuming more frequently, ugh. Really wish I could treat me, too, I think I’m going to spray my ankles with deet as I am a flea magnet. Ugh again!!

    Got lots done this week, more scrap metal identified, and there’s an old guy in the neighborhood who will take it for free for extra pocket money for himself, which is great. Two more cars detailed, running, and listed for sale. More car parts listed online to sell. I finally feel like things are being accomplished. I drove the old Camaro to get groceries today, and it was a real joy to drive, runs pretty good for being 11 days shy of 40 years off the assembly line.

    I don’t buy much for myself past toiletries, food, thrift store clothes, so I used some of my cash back on Amazon to buy a game cam. My deer family has expanded this year to include 4 bucks, 2 with nice racks and 2 spikes, several does, and a few new fawns. Last night, 10 of them watched me mow the lawn! I was interrupting their apple picking time, I believe. And we have a big bear and I’m the only one who hasn’t seen it. So, I’m going to put the game cam out on one of the apple trees to see what I can see :)

    And in other critter news, there is a female barn funnel weaver spider who has babies on one of the garage door posts, I found 3 big black rat snake shed skins inside the garage on the workbench of all places, and my neighbor had a big walking stick and has two big yellow garden spiders, complete with zig zag webs. I’m glad I’m not afraid of any of these things!

    Hope everyone else is doing well – one day, one week at a time, moving forward!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Congrats on your final payment. That came up quick, eh? I know, not quick enough. But it seems like you have been working on it non-stop, you have done so well with this. It’s gotta feel good to exhale now.
      I am so very glad to hear you are shed of this.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      “I finally feel like things are being accomplished.” ROTFL…every week you post and I get tired just reading about what you are doing! Happy that things are improving in all areas. Could your mom handle it if you got one of those toilet chairs to put by the bed at night? You ARE moving forward and the tone of your letter is happy! Sorry about the fleas, though. (scratching in sympathy)

      1. Rebecca*

        Oh, the toilet chair. Yep. And I loathe cleaning them out. I did this for my mother in law when she had dementia. I do not throw up, very rarely even get grossed out or nauseated, but this is horrible for me. I just hate it. Mom is a retired RN, she sees nothing gross about it, but I think ewwwww!! And honestly I don’t want to do it and it makes me retch. Blech.

        2. Observer*

          Is she going to need someone in during the day, while you are at work? If so, maybe that person can be the one to clean it out, which would mean you wouldn’t have to have someone in at night as well.

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      YAY FOR MOM SETTLING DOWN!

      Not dealing with a forest fire in your face every day must be a relief.

      Does mom have an over active bladder? I can’t imagine feeling decent, with my sleep interrupted twice a night.

      Hope the upcoming week goes well for you.

      1. Rebecca*

        Oh, if were twice a night, that wouldn’t be so bad, it’s more like 4-5 times a night if she’s lucky. Basically, she goes every 2 hours or so, maybe 3 if she’s really lucky. All day and all night. Been doing this for years, and just went to a urologist after I hassled her for months about it in June of this year. Turns out all the home remedies and what she thought was the best thing to do for her fallen bladder, like drinking lots and lots of water, turns out to be bad, messes with the pH, then caused irritated bladder lining, etc. In her case, medication and much less water is better.

    5. Mimmy*

      So happy to hear things are moving in the right direction, especially that your mom is finally beginning to do more for herself!

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      Wow, you are home free from the divorce. Now you can start using your money for yourself, and it must feel so liberating to be completely done with all that.

      I’m glad your mother is improving. Definitely stick to your commitment that someone has to stay with her overnight to help her use the bathroom no matter how much she complains that it should be you.

      How cool to read about all the critters around, except the fleas of course. Cheering you on as always!

    9. ..Kat..*

      Diatomaceous earth is good for treating fleas. I believe it is not a problem for cats (verify this).

  59. Try for baby?*

    I’m thinking of having a baby. I’m single and in my late 30s, with no known fertility issues (other than the social one of “not being in a naturally baby-causing type of relationship”). How does one…get started with that? Do I just call up a fertility clinic? Talk to my primary care doctor? (I need to get a new one of those – my previous doctor retired and closed her practice.) Go to the queer clinic way across town so there’ll be less judgement? (I am queer, but that’s not why I’m single and looking to go alone on this.)

    I’m realizing that it’s basically financially do-able (I have over 6 weeks of paid sick leave banked and 6 months to a year’s income saved, as well as an understanding boss who will definitely be in my corner about flexible work schedules in an industry where they will definitely keep my job open for me while I’m on leave), and I’ve always wanted a child. I just haven’t dated anyone at all since 2016, or seriously for about a decade, and I don’t really see myself finding the right person to settle down with any time soon. Since I’m already in my late 30s, it feels like the window is closing on “waiting for the right person to show up”, and most of the people I know didn’t end up staying with the father of their child anyway. (I can avoid so many custody battles and court hearings this way!)

    Anyone else been down this route and have any advice? I admit figuring out infant daycare sounds overwhelmingly expensive right now, but that’s what all of that saved salary will come in handy for, and it gets less expensive as they get older…

    1. valentine*

      Call a fertility clinic or see their website for any stuff they’d want ahead of time like how recent a full exam or Pap. Then, definitely go to the queer clinic because it’s there for you. But start from the foundation that Baby is the Plan/the Plan is Baby, so they don’t think you’re asking permission or that they get a vote (this will presumably be a bigger problem at a straight clinic).

    2. Ranon*

      If you like podcasts the current host of the Longest Shortest Time is looking into the same thing, she’s just started a three part episode on shopping for sperm.

    3. Book Lover*

      I just looked on line at banks until I found a donor I wanted, made an appointment with a clinic while I was looking, and then went ahead. I had to have some basic testing first but it didn’t take long. I went to a regular clinic and there were no issues. In a purple state, for what it’s worth.

    4. Christy*

      Find a local reproductive endocrinologist. Determine if your insurance will cover any of it. Call around for cost estimates and to see if they take your insurance. Have a consult to determine if you like the RE. Start with IUI, and seriously consider having an HSG test first. (It makes sure your tubes are clear, which is depressing to realize after multiple failed attempts. I didn’t have one at first because I was afraid it would hurt and you know what? Should have just had it, it didn’t hurt too bad and a tube was blocked.) Consider whether you want to go medicated or unmedicated, and whether you want to trigger ovulation or monitor for natural ovulation.

      Oh and separately you’re going to need to pick a sperm donor. Common banks are California Cryobank, Seattle Sperm Bank, Xytex, and Fairfax Cryo. I’ve heard good things about all four of these, but probably the most good things about SSB. Consider picking traits that are unlike but complement your own.

      Good luck! This is a process!

    5. Jdc*

      I’d check with insurance first and foremost. Mine covered some visits to the fertility doctor and the initial tests. That helped a lot because just the testing to make sure i was fertile was thousands. They of course won’t cover most of the rest but that can at least help.

    6. LibbyG*

      Call the fertility clinic now. In my small city, the first intake appointment was three or fiur months out.

      I hope this is a wonderful journey for you, however it unfolds.

    7. Single Parent To Be*

      If you’re into reddit, /r/queerception is a supportive community and will have some of the info you’re looking for.

      Since you don’t have any known fertility issues, you don’t need to start with a fertility clinic. The biggest question as a single person is how to get sperm; do you want to use a known or anonymous donor. There are pros and cons to each.

      Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great resource for tracking your cycle to know when you’re ovulating. Then you can self-inseminate (intracervical insemination or ICI) or have a medical professional put the sperm into your uterus (intrauterine insemination or IUI). IUI is usually done at a fertility clinic, but some cities have midwives who will come to your home.

      It’s great to hear you’re planning for the logistics and finances. Yes, childcare is ridiculously expensive! Also think about a will and who you’d want raising your child if you couldn’t.

      There’s a group called Single Mothers by Choice that offers support and covers this info in more detail. They have meet ups, too. I’m not a member, but in my city we have an inclusive Single Parents by Choice group that doesn’t require paid membership. I found it through Facebook. As I prepared for pregnancy, it was great to be able to ask questions of people who’d been down this path.

    8. Meepmeep*

      It’s surprisingly easy to just order up some sperm from the sperm bank. We did that to make our baby (lesbian couple here), and it was almost disturbingly easy. I did have to get a physical exam at my doctor to show them that I could carry a pregnancy without physical harm to myself, but that’s all they asked for. Then we paid them for the sperm, had them do an IUI in their clinic, and 9 months later, we were a family of three instead of a family of two.

      Two recommendations I’d have for you – first of all, go into total health-nut mode for a few months before you start trying. I became a total natural-organic-hippie for almost a year before trying to conceive, and I am sure this was at least part of why it worked on my first try. (I was 38, btw) Every attempt is expensive ($2000 a cycle) so the more you can swing the odds in your favor, the better. Organic food, plenty of sleep, hippie personal care products – that sort of thing.

      Also, you will need help in the first few months. I did not sleep for more than 1 hour at a stretch for 8 months. You can imagine how functional I was at work or at home. If you’re single, you will need someone helping you through the first year – so line up some nannies and babysitters and family and friends and anyone who can help. Babies are very hard.

      And enjoy! For all that it was hard at first, watching my daughter grow up has been the greatest adventure of my life.

  60. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

    Anyone here ever used Contrave (a weight loss drug)? Or, similarly, used Wellbutrin? I don’t technically take Contrave, because it’s wildly expensive, but it’s just Wellbutrin and Naltrexone so my doctor prescribed me each of those and I just take them in the same proportion that they are in Contrave. Would love to hear people’s experiences!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have heard lots of negative about Wellbutrin, but ymmv. My neighbor was prescribed Wellbutrin for quitting smoking and she ended up in full blown anxiety with a fear of almost anything that moved or did not move. It was awful. Fortunately her husband pieced it together and she ditched the Wellbutrin. The symptoms went away.

      1. Goose Lavel*

        Unfortunately, this is one of the most common side effects of antidepressants.

        Also, many have huge issues when stopping these meds and have to titrate the dosage down over time, sometimes for years, to avoid nasty side effects (similar to addiction). Some are never able to stop these meds due to these issues.

        Check the ” Benzo Buddies” website for more info.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Not just of antidepressants, but especially of Wellbutrin, which isn’t exactly known for being sedating. It’s an unusual antidepressant.

      2. Red Sky*

        I also had a pretty bad increase in anxiety after starting Wellbutrin for depression, but I noticed it pretty quickly and was able to easily stop taking it.

    2. Goose Lavel*

      I have not used these meds myself. When I’m prescribed a new med, I go to the “ask a patient” website and you can see many reviews for both meds.
      Good luck!

    3. Honeycomb Plaid*

      I used to take naltrexone, but I took it for my drug and alcohol cravings. I know some that lost weight with it but I hardly did. I started taking topamax for some PTSD issues and I lost quite a bit of weight. Turns out some use it for weight loss I discovered.

    4. HannahS*

      Some people complain of very vivid dreams (and/or nightmares) from Wellbutrin. Not everyone experiences it, and some people can tolerate it alright, but it’s not an uncommon reason for stopping. I think a couple of anti-depressants cause that. I was briefly on…gosh I don’t even remember anymore, but a low dose of some anti-d for chronic pain that wasn’t working great, and the dreams were the last straw for me.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Wellbutrin caused massive weight gain for me and wasn’t effective on top of that. I hope you have better luck.

    6. DayMan Fighter of the Nightman*

      I’ve taken Wellbutrin for like 8 years for depression and for a while it worked well at suppressing appetite although nothing worked as good as vyvanse at suppressing it although I don’t think that’s usually given for weight loss. I haven’t had any bad side effects from the Wellbutrin in all my time using it, I love it.

    7. Christy*

      I’m on Wellbutrin for anxiety (and later, also for depression) and I don’t really think it did anything for my appetite, tbh, but no other ill effects.

    9. sequined histories*

      I was on Wellbutrin very briefly for depression. I tried Wellbutrin because I had previously gained weight while taking Prozac. I stopped taking it almost immediately because the area under my eyes became gray and dry and scaly. It looked like the under-eye area of a centenarian. It was bizarre. Fortunately, my skin returned to normal after a few weeks off the drug.

    10. Dee-Nice*

      Hi! I have atypical depression and have had very good luck with Wellbutrin, with one side effect being that I usually lose about ten pounds when I start taking it again (I’ve had to go off for pregnancies at various points). YMMV. I am obese so while losing ten pounds without trying is great, it doesn’t really make a dent in my issue. However, I have always been dosed for depression and not weight loss, and I’ve never taken it alongside another drug.

      My understanding of the way it works is that it affects the parts of your brain that deal with paying attention and impulse control. I find that temporarily reduces my appetite at first (though at the dose I was taking this effect wore off quickly), but mainly its usefulness is in impulse control. I am a person who is at least a little hungry all the time and who has trouble letting opportunities to eat pass by. On Welllbutrin, it’s not so much that I stop *wanting* a break room cookie at 3; it’s just that I can think about the cookie, want it, and still say, No, I’m not going to have one. And then I stop thinking about it vs obsessing that I’m missing a Cookie Opportunity. I do think it also stimulates the metabolism slightly.

      I found I had to take it in the morning or I couldn’t sleep at night, and it also gave me incredible night sweats, but I wasn’t so bothered by them. I wore deodorant to bed and changed the sheets more often.

      I had little to no withdrawal symptoms each time I went off. If you decide to use it I hope it works for you. I imagine it’s definitely more of an aid to weight loss than a magic bullet, so you’ll still have to put in the work.

    11. WB*

      I took Wellbutrin for depression. It also helped me lose about 20 pounds. Wellbutrin worked for me, but it doesn’t work for everyone.

  61. the curator*

    The curator taking the weekend off! Went to the farmers market and there was a terrific story time with a Guthrie actor reading aloud. Mob of children and babies and parents. Played with three puppies including something that was a sheepdog poodle mix. It was like a cartoon of dog. I have a bounty of good food. Doing laundry and catching up on house hold stuff. There may be a little Marie Kondoing.
    Question: For distraction on boring tasks like sorting books and doing laundry, I had been watching Veronica Mars and am caught up. The new Hulu series seems way dark for me. Any other suggestions for pretty mindless yet engaging stuff to stream?

    1. fposte*

      Do you like nonfiction TV? Grand Designs, Art Detectives, Fake or Fortune are all very pleasing and non-traumatizing.

      1. The Curator*

        hmm. haven’t tried except for Top Chef and the British Baking Show. Thanks for the recommendation. It always cheers me to see your Jon Klassen fish.

    2. blaise zamboni*

      That sounds like a great weekend!

      If you liked Kristen Bell in VM, you might enjoy the Good Place? It’s witty and lighthearted, it’s one of my go-to ‘mindless tasks’ shows.

  62. HannahS*

    Weird medical thing: My blood pressure’s dropped 30-ish points in the last few months. It was 110/70 for about a decade, and then over the summer I started feeling lightheaded and dizzy a lot, which I attributed to the disgusting hot/humid weather. I’ve had a bunch of vaccination appointments for school at walk-ins and now I’m reading 81-84/70 pretty consistently. I’m randomly feeling nauseated at times, too. I promise I’m going to a doctor once I’m back to my hometown in a few weeks and I’m a medical student myself so I realize that low blood pressure in a young person isn’t as worrisome as high, but that’s REALLY low, and I’m no athlete. Anyone else had anything similar happen? Only change is that I’ve been eating a little less and exercising a little more, but in a super slow “I’ve lost 10 pounds in 4 months” way. On the plus side, I haven’t had a headache or migraine in ages!

    1. Not A Manager*

      Okay, you’re the med student and I’m not, but I think you should be seen sooner. Is there an urgent care you can go to? This is very low blood pressure, which could indicate an underlying condition, AND at minimum you’re at risk for fainting.

      1. WellRed*

        Yeah, I just called 911 for the gentleman who passed out in the grocery parking lot due to low blood pressure. Why wait?

      2. HannahS*

        Haha believe me, one of the main thing being a medical student teaches you is that medical students know very, very little! It also screws up your sense of what’s urgent and what’s not, because in a lot of the environments I’m in, I’m surrounded by people going, “Well, yes, this person could die if they don’t have surgery within the next six hours, but I wouldn’t call it an EMERGENCY*”; I genuinely worry about my sense of perspective about my own health, so I appreciate your input.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Mmmm, no… you’ve been experiencing this for months, you’ve lost weight, you’re nauseous… you need to see someone soon. Go to your on-campus clinic on Monday morning if you don’t want to go to urgent care.

    3. fposte*

      Yeah, go see somebody just in case. I have a friend who ran that low all the time and she was fine (though a total failure at giving blood), but for you it’s a fairly significant recent change. In the mean time I’d make sure I was getting enough to drink and try not to get overheated.

    4. Hospital Admin*

      If you aren’t having symptoms (dizziness, fainting), I wouldn’t say it’s an emergency exactly but definitely something you want to get checked out. Ymmv with urgent care, sometimes you get a great provider, sometimes you get someone who is only interested in handing out antibiotics for sore throats and refers everything else back to primary care.
      For what it’s worth, when I was about 19 I had several syncopal episodes, dizziness on and off all day every day. Ultimately diagnosed with low blood pressure/POTS/orthostatic hypotension, tried a few medications, settled on fludrocortisone because it was the only thing that helped, and I’ve been pretty much good for the past 6 years.
      If you can’t get to a doctor right away, I recommend lots of fluids (Gatorade helps, I’ve found) and salty foods to help bring your blood pressure up.

    5. Book Lover*

      Did you have a viral thing before it started? You should get checked out – pots, autonomic dysfunction, that sort of issue.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      While you are waiting for your doctor appointment, please work on your hydration levels. Aim for a consistent amount of water each day. Dehydration goes into all different kinds of problems. It’s a good thing to work on, even if it’s not the problem you are experiencing as it will support many body functions.

    7. Auntie Social*

      What happens if you eat something salty, beef w/broccoli maybe? Do you feel better afterwards?

    8. ..Kat..*

      The symptoms of being lightheaded and dizzy are very worrisome. Passing out at the wrong place/time can be deadly. Please go see someone by Monday.

  63. Zephy*

    Kitten Update!

    First, Dorian basically just made mean faces at us all weekend (while making a proper mess of the Bahamas), so that was good for us at least. The kitties have been getting along well; four days in Cat Jail didn’t totally torpedo our socialization and routine-establishing efforts. I think we’re getting close to just giving them both full run of the house all the time; what I need to see is the cats de-escalating a situation on their own, without me or my boyfriend separating or interrupting them. When they can do that consistently, I’ll feel comfortable leaving them alone during the day, and we’re getting close to that point.

  64. university minion*

    Hydrate! Make a conscious effort to drink more water (and decrease booze, coffee, & energy drinks if you partake). If your diet tends to be extremely low salt, you may need to make an effort to increase your sodium a bit, too. I was in your boat a few years ago when I was working a lot of hours (fairly physical work) and at the lower end of what is considered the normal weight range for my height. Focusing on hydration worked for me.

  65. Lilo*

    Ugh. My poor friend is doing IVF to try to have a baby and had a bad reaction on to one of the drugs and ended up in the hospital. This whole thing is so sad.

  66. Alice*

    Any recommendations for online videos about stretching? In particular I’m looking for sort of remedial ones. I have tried “yoga for beginners” ones from lots of instructors and even so it’s pretty frustrating when my hamstrings are so tight I can’t get anywhere near the position.

    1. Washi*

      Have you tried Yoga with Adriene? I love her videos and while it’s not “remedial” she often does stuff with bent knees just to show that that’s fine.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Do you do any foam rolling? If you’re female and have really tight hamstrings, static stretches (like just reaching to touch your toes) can be bad for your ligaments as well as ineffective. It’s better to warm up, foam roll, and do dynamic stretches until you’ve built a bit more flexibility. There are some good physio-based videos on YouTube for dynamic stretching! You’ll definitely also want to make sure that you work on any anterior pelvic tilt you might have, since that can contribute to hamstring tightness.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Dynamic stretching was a game changer for me! I have super tight hamstrings + sciatica and static stretches just made everything worse despite the well-meaning advice of three P/Ts.

      2. Alice*

        This is good to know. I looked up anterior pelvic tilt and I think I do that too. My gym has rollers but I’ve never used them. I will watch some of the videos and try it.

        1. Alexandra Lynch*

          I use several yoga poses as dynamic stretches, but I do them twice a day religiously.
          I have lordosis and am also overweight in all the wrong areas for my back, and have a tendency for my hamstrings and calves to tighten up, AND have gait abnormalities secondary to injury and some stuff that’s just congenital. So if I don’t stretch, I find myself unable to lie, sit, or stand comfortably, and the plantar fasciitis flares up again.

          So whatever you do, don’t get a massive long routine that you’ll be tempted to skip; make sure you do the important basics daily, and then do all the other when you have the spoons for it.

        2. Ann O.*

          Rollers are easy to use, and I was about to recommend them. They are one of the biggest game changers for flexibility. Don’t roll on your stomach (very bad, due to the squishiness and precious organs), and do find the pain. The pain is where you need the release. Build up your tolerance and BREATHE into it.

          I am not a PT, but I am a circus hobbyist and have had to learn a lot about stretching and flexibility. You want to figure out if you’re dealing primarily with muscle or primarily with nerve. Nerves need what’s called flossing–dynamic pulsing movements–to release them. Muscle needs either static stretch or are really fascia issues (which is what rolling or trigger point tools will release).

    5. Koala dreams*

      You can look at stretching exercises for runners and for bicyclists. Runners because it’s such a common sport and they need mobility in their legs, bicyclists because all that sitting on a bicycle makes the hamstrings stiff.

    6. DrTheLiz*

      For just the hamstrings, try standing with the balls of your feet on a step and just “hanging” or bouncing a little bit. Works on stairs, stools, anything and I like it because it lets me “little and often” my way to nice loose hamstrings. It’s also self-regulating in that there’s no inherent “goal” so I can just stop when it hurts/feels weird.

      1. Alice*

        I can get a little ledge and do this at my standing desk!
        “No inherent goal” sounds good to me. It’s demoralizing when I do the typical straight legs and touch the floor stretch. I can barely get my hands past my knees before my hamstrings are going OUCH OUCH OUCH, if I’m really keeping my knees straight. The women who are forty years older than me can touch the ground with their knees straight! And not only am I so much worse than them – I also am no better than I was two years ago.

        1. Alexandra Lynch*

          I can palm the floor, but I didn’t start there.
          Where I started was bending from the hips, and just hanging there and letting the hamstrings complain a bit and then stretch a bit. But if you do that a lot, they do stretch out, and there you are, hands on the floor, how about that!

        2. The New Wanderer*

          I’ve done ballet as a kid, track as a teen, and yoga for 20+ years as an adult. I have never managed to put my palms on the ground, my back and hamstrings just don’t loosen enough. I also couldn’t do the splits nor the seated forward fold reach past my toes that some people are capable of even prior to stretching out. I figure it’s just the way some people are built. But I still feel like I benefit a lot from yoga, the stretching feels really good, and from attending classes off and on for years, there is such a wide variety of flexibility in your average practitioner.

          Yoga with Adrienne has a lot of options for different kinds of stretching routines, I’ve really enjoyed those.

    7. Honoria*

      Callanetics is a forgotten fitness thing from the 89s, but very good for inflexible/stiff folks like me.
      (I’m also kinda . . . I dunno, phobic about my body–interacting with it, moving, trying any kind of change, and this felt nonthreatening. I dunno if that makes sense) I started super slow–for ages I only did the warm up section, and was very surprised by the flexibility increase just from doing that. If you wanna check it out, you can prob get the book of that title used pretty easy online, but if you like I can take pics of the warm up pages with my phone or something and email them to you. winchester(dot)honoria(at)gmail etc

      2. Alice*

        Non-threatening sounds great!
        I found a bunch of books about callanetics by Callan Pickney. I will get one of them and try it out. Thanks for the recommendation.

  67. Anonymous for this*

    Going anon because I’m putting enough personal detail in here that I don’t want it tied back (easily) to my normal handle.

    So my family dynamics are a bit more complicated than I really gave them credit for, and I really don’t know what the options are.

    The big issue at play is Mom, who will turn 70 very soon. I’m not sure how to get into appropriate detail without rambling and sounding incoherent, so for now, let’s just say that for most of her life, mom has been very self centered in some way shape or form, not very intelligent, and has in the last few years been showing the early stages of dementia (or some other thing that leads to memory loss and confusion.) My mom has been preoccupied with her age for the last five years or so, reminding people every change she gets that She Is Getting Old. (The biggest catalyst here is that she has outlived both of her parents. This has been front of mind for several years now.)

    So the thing with mom is that she can’t hold much of a conversation, and her memory loss leads to her repeating the same thing over and over. What she says is rarely of any significance, they’re “one liners” so to speak that don’t lead to any real conversation. As in, when we get together, she’ll repeat multiple times over the course of days that she’s happy everybody was able to get together. The 12th time? There’s not much else to say other than “yup”.

    We *cannot* discuss her memory loss or other concerning behaviors with her. You do that, and she flies off the handle. By “concerning behavior”: We recently had a family get together, and the fam went out and about and did some things for most of the day. My brother and his wife get back early and checked on mom; mom says she hasn’t eaten anything all day, and was a bit distressed because she didn’t know where to get food. (We were in a place where food was easily accessible, including room service.) I relay the story to dad later, and dad says, “That’s funny, she ate breakfast and lunch with me.” Later, we were at a buffet, and mom got lost trying to get back to the table.

    I don’t talk to my brother much about this, but it turns out he actually gets really mad over the whole thing. Neither he nor I particularly care to spend much time with mom — it’s really pointless, TBH. Listening to her repeat the same one liners over and over and not being able to hold a conversation is just, well I donno what to say here, but it’s not positive. She can’t show an interest in anything other than herself; she can’t ask you how your day was or what kind of stuff I do on my other travels, etc. I don’t get as mad over the whole thing as my brother does, I guess maybe I’ve just learned to roll with it a bit.

    But what really sets my brother off is my dad. Because dad’s response to everything is to ignore it. The thing is, I don’t know what choices dad really has — if Mom Will Not Discuss It With Anybody, then what can dad do? And for that matter, is there anything that can be done? The other thing with dad’s Ostrich position is that I think his response was learned over decades. Many of the behaviors mom has been exhibiting (self centeredness, lack of ability to hold a real conversation, among others) have been present for years. The only thing that seems really new is the disorientation. So part of dad’s ability to roll with it is because he’s been doing it for years.

    So… tying this to a clear question: Is there anything that can really be “done” if mom doesn’t want to do anything about it, or think there s a problem? How much of this is on dad? I’ve had my own challenges with a difficult ex-spouse (hence the ex) and speaking from first hand experience, I don’t think my dad has as many options (whatever they may be) as my brother thinks. Mom’s a legal adult and can do what she wants. The one thing my brother wants (and I agree with) is that dad should attend mom’s doctor appointments, and to date, hasn’t seem to have done so. The concern there is that mom isn’t accurately reporting to her doctors the extent of what’s going on.

    Otherwise, I think the biggest concern between my brother and I is the disorientation. She still drives, and we both think it’s a matter of time before she gets lost and can’t figure out how to get home (she sometimes needs the GPS even in familiar areas) or something way worse happens. I’ve seen stories of elderly drivers plowing there cars into unfortunate things because they weren’t aware of the direction their car was moving, and I would prefer that not be the reason mom stops driving. But there’s no having this kind of conversation with mom.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, that’s a lot. I don’t think it’s uncommon, but that’s not much consolation when it’s happening to you.

      I think you’re right that there’s not much actionable here, and honestly, even if your dad decided to be more involved, it wouldn’t necessarily change much. The two things that come first to mind for me are 1) preserving your relationship with your brother without getting revved up by his frustration level and 2) what the future holds as your mom declines, especially as your dad is going to encounter his own health problems either gradually or suddenly.

      I mean, you or your brother could go with your mother to the doctor, but you’re probably not in a position to make sure she takes medication. You can absolutely notify her doctor that you have concerns about her driving even if you don’t go to the appointment; you won’t hear anything back because of HIPAA, and doctors won’t always be interventionist on that, but sometimes it’s useful to let hem know. If she reliably carries a phone it would be good to have Find My iPhone or a tracker enabled, but that might involve your dad’s participation or your mom’s consent.

      Admittedly this is where my planning instincts run, but I would check with my local Area Agency on Aging, because the care burden is likely to increase here. From what you describe, I’m guessing your parents don’t have any particular plans in place for when caring for themselves becomes difficult. If you have information about local home health aids, home adaptations, etc., and how it fits with their insurance that might be useful soon; I don’t think this is going to get easier, and I’m sorry.

      1. Anonymous for this*

        Thanks. The complicating factor(s) here are that my brother is local to my parents and I’m not. He’s also a health care professional and I’m not. Point being, he’s in a better position to “take point” on forcing some issues (as the case may be) than me. I mean, we’d really actually have to plan a visit where I buy a plane ticket and get mom a doctor’s appointment scheduled. While technically feasible, I don’t think mom will go with a real plan. Either way, I’m happy to let my brother figure out how to navigate the doctor visit part, because he’s in a much, much better position to make these sorts of things happen.

        As for the later, yup, no long term plans. My parents simply aren’t planners. Never have been, never will be. Dad OTOH has good genes and is in good health, and I don’t see much indication that he needs plans sooner rather than later. But if Dad does get hit by a bus, yes, that would be a bit of a crisis for mom’s care.

        1. fposte*

          It sounds like you really have the answer to your own question–there isn’t any room for you to do anything here.

          As you’ve doubtless seen in other conversations in the open thread, a lot of us have to learn that lesson about not being able to convince people to make their lives better; I agree with you that once you learn it it may be easier to face it with future situations, so I can understand why you’re in detachment mode while your brother is still trying to push that rock up the hill. And since it’s a chronic situation you may not be one and done on this one–you may want to decide along the way what to do to support your brother and whether there are ways you want to help your dad as this progresses. And since at that point it’s not about your mother, whether she asks or not may become a moot point.

          1. Anonymous for this*

            Thanks. And that’s pretty much what I thought. Sometimes I feel like an ass because it’s too easy for me to get into detachment mode. But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. And dad and my brother are pretty much where I’m at.

    2. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      You need to discuss this with her doctor. You, your brother and your Dad. It is just going to get worse, and getting mad at her memory loss is not going to help. And really, why? – this is a medical issue that has absolutely nothing to do with her history of being self-centered.

        1. Anonymous for this*

          Correct. The bigger picture is “mom was never pleasant to be around anyway, still isn’t, and can’t hold a conversation, so spending any amount of time with her is simply frustrating, and nothing more than a chore done out of obligation.” And since mom was always a PITA, I was more than happy to move several hundred miles away for school and subsequent employment, which kind of complicates things now. Because, well, I have a life and a job I like, and I’m not giving it up for someone I don’t care to be around all that much.

          I get that it’s a harsh statement to make, but frankly, if I were to even think about moving back to where she lives and telecommute, she’d have to ask me to do that before I would even think about it, and there’s no guarantee that I would. There’s also no way she would ask that, because I don’t think she’s capable. Most likely outcome is that I would go visit more often, but that’s still going to require a conversation I don’t think she can have.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            My wise friend gave me a thought that I have held on to: Self-centered people can be self-focused because they are struggling to survive from one minute to the next. This is a very simplified version of what can be going on in their minds.
            To extend that out to today in your life, your mom has reached a point where being self-centered is NOT going to cover her problems for her anymore. Her problems have grown much bigger.

            1. Anonymous for this*

              It took me a couple of decades, but I more or less came to that conclusion in pretty much as many words not all that long ago. I figured she was so damn busy holding her own shit together (and that’s if she was lucky) that she didn’t have time for anything else. Not a nice thing to do to your kids.

              I’m not looking forward to the full unravel. It’s not going to be pretty, at least I don’t think so.

    3. Washi*

      Whoaaa, definitely sounds like dementia. If she’s only 70 and been like that for a while but slowly getting worse, it was probably early-onset. That said, there are other illnesses that can mimic dementia, though they are uncommon. In this situation, I would try very very hard to go to an appointment together and get Mom tested to rule out any other causes of the confusion and forgetfulness. I get that she doesn’t want to talk about it, but this is a big deal, and if it is dementia, it’s way easier to get started on planning now than trying to deal with it down the road.

      One thing I would do regardless is make sure you have any wills plus financial and healthcare power of attorney set up for both parents, as well as ideally an advance directive/living will/something where you know their wishes regarding end of life care If god forbid anything happened to your dad, your mom would not be able to cope, and the burden would all be on you to sort things out financially and healthwise.

      1. Anonymous for this*

        You are correct that if Dad got hit by a bus, mom couldn’t cope. Actually had that conversation with him the other day. My brother is local to my parents, I think he has all the legal authority. I’ll have to ask dad about that again.

        I went through some of these things with my ex wife, and the reality is, if someone is a legal adult and has not been declared incompetent by a court of law, they have a lot of agency to do what they want, even if it’s self defeating. Maybe that’s why it’s easy for me to be somewhat indifferent (if not callous) about the whole thing, because I’ve already been through the “I love this person, they are making choices that are self destructive, and something needs to be done” thought process and couldn’t get anything done. Throw on the fact that mom was not much of a pleasant person in the first place, and it’s real easy to stay on the sidelines when they tell you to F off. The family had The Conversation with mom I think like 4 years ago, and we were told in no uncertain terms to F off. Quite frankly, it wasn’t that hard. Which is why I really believe that in order for her to get help, she has to ask for it. And if she doesn’t ask for/want it, trust me when I say it isn’t pretty.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ugh. I have been where you are.
          Do you have an aunt or uncle they will listen to? Perhaps a very good friend?
          I got my father to listen by sending his little sister to talk to him. THAT got his attention. She was very helpful.

          Other than that it’s waiting for the other shoe to drop- that precipitating event where they have to go to the doc’s because of an accident of some sort or an illness. Once in the doctor’s office then things start to happen. If she ends up in the hospital then there is an even higher chance of proper help getting involved.

          Like you are saying here, at best my mother was not likable. I learned from trying to help her that we cannot help people who do not want help. Unfortunately, she had to go into a decline before help entered her story. And the cold hard truth is that we are each responsible for how our lives play out right up to our last day. Any time we turn down help or we refuse to work at our problems we can be starting down a bad road. It’s rough on those who have to watch.

          I will say that telling the adult child to f-off is pretty normal in these situations. My choice was to blow by it and ignore it. I would help anyway and that came with a price also. No matter which way you go on this one it’s not easy at all.
          In the end the goal became damage control. Everything was falling apart like dominoes falling one after the other. The goal was to patch things as best as possible and let the rest go.

          1. Anonymous for this*

            I don’t know anybody in my mom’s social orbit, and she’s been cutting out the ones who are “catching on” to her memory issues. She’ll come up with some other excuse, but getting “caught” is usually the precipitating factor. (The big one was the church choir several years ago… there were some “concerns” expressed to my dad on my mom’s behalf, and VOILA! she was immediately too tired to keep up with choir.)

            As for her family, she’s functionally estranged from most of them has pretty much has been all her adult life. I say “functionally” because AFAIK, there’s never been grand declarations of “I will never speak to you again” but my mom can go a year without speaking to her sisters on the phone. And growing up, we only spent a handful of holidays together, despite the fact we were all within a 1.5 hour drive of each other.

            And yes, I agree with you — I’ve learned in more than a few ways that we are responsible for ourselves.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      I’d write a letter to your mom’s doctor detailing exactly what you’re seeing in her behavior. Include dates and places, if you can. A phone call might get some response, but a letter is harder to ignore. Your mom needs to be evaluated medically and her dementia need to be addressed by the doctor. (A bladder infection can really make dementia worse, etc.) Go with her to her doctor’s appointments, if you can, to make sure the doc is getting accurate information.
      Call DMV and ask them how they deal with drivers with dementia. People with dementia can be declared incompetent and be appointed a legal guardian, but you need real legal advice on that one. Problems tend to escalate with time. It’s best to be prepared.
      I hope you take good care of yourself, too.

    5. WellRed*

      By unfortunate things, do you mean people? The thing is, your Dad is falling down on the job here and i don’t know how much of an ally or obstacle he is being here (sounds like the latter). Your mother is showing clear signs of dementia and she doesn’t have the right to make decisions about what she can and can’t do. I mean, technically she does, but you need to intervene. Also, please try and separate past history and behavior with her new symptoms, which likely exacerbate the old behavior of self-centeredness. I know its hard but your brother getting mad at her isn’t going to help. Start with a family meeting with bro and dad, not mom. if that’s not an option, reach out to doctor. At the very least, get her off the road.

      1. Anonymous for this*

        Unfortunate things = people and brick walls. Seen newspaper articles about both, and they were related to elderly people who confused the gas pedal for the brake pedal, or didn’t realize what direction the car was going.

        So you hit on a lot of things that make this as complicated as it is. For the sake of conversation, my brother doesn’t get mad at my mom to her face, it’s that the overall situation makes him mad and as a result doesn’t visit my parents as much as he otherwise would (he’s 10 minutes away by car. Seems them like once a month.)

        It’s hard to separate past behavior with the new symptoms, which is why I think it’s too easy for dad to fall down on the job. He’s had a long history of learning to not force issues with mom, doing so doesn’t go well.

        The thing too with mom is that she likely has other untreated psych disorders that make these kinds of conversations a bit harder than normal. About four years ago, we had a mini-intervention with mom about the memory thing, we wanted to share our concerns. All we really wanted out of that conversation was for mom to have a conversation with her doctor about some concerns the kids were having. She could tell us the doctor said they’re age appropriate, and then we could all STFU. Or not, but then she’d deal with it and we’d leave it alone.

        But when we had that conversation with mom, Holy Hell rained upon us in ways that English doesn’t have the right words to describe. (That particular response wasn’t dementia related, I 100% guarantee it. Refer back to other likely untreated psych disorders.) None of us have the desire to repeat that experience, and it does lead to dad falling down on the job. And I have to say this, based on what I saw, I don’t blame him — he has to live with her and I don’t.

        Which all ties back to what outcome do we want, and is it reasonably achievable? If I can’t figure that out, I’m not rocking the boat. And I think those untreated psych disorders are a major cause of mom’s resistance, and things she really, really is scared to death of dealing with. Which is why the more I think about it, the more it takes a real pro to navigate these waters.

        1. fposte*

          BTW, Anon, therapy for you might not be a bad plan. This is a story that might be going on for a while, and that can be hard.

          1. Anonymous for this*

            Been doing that for years, thanks. I started seeing my shrink when things with my ex were coming to a head. I told my shrink awhile back that from a doctor-patient standpoint, I’m over the ex and don’t need much help on that anymore.

            I followed that up with “but mommy issues may very well get you that yacht you’ve been dreaming of and didn’t know about.” She got the point.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          This is interesting to me, because I thought my mother had some substantial mental health issues. And it went on and on. Finally she was given a diagnosis of dementia.

          I do believe our systems failed her. But I am not clear on how they could have found an in-road either.

          I do have an example of a person I know who had four diagnosed mental health issues. This story went on and on, he took all the big hitting drugs and had behavior problems, etc. He was in his 40s when he had a seizure. And that was when someone finally did a brain scan and found the mass in his head. After the surgery he said, “That has been there all my life. I wondered when they were going to do something about it.”

          We dunno as much as we need to about how the brain works. And we don’t know all about what happens to the person if a part of their brain has an issue. My example person and my mother might have been different people if there were ways to find their problems much sooner. I am thinking what you are seeing right now is a variation on the same problem that has been there right along. I tend to believe that about my mother also.

          1. Anonymous for this*

            Yeah. I know enough about “stuff” where I don’t think mom’s problems will go away with a pill or surgery. My best guess is that mom’s problems are other psych issues that date all the way back to childhood, and have never been dealt with. And quite frankly, I don’t think mom wants to deal with them. Which is why the dementia only concerns me to the point it effects her driving, because I think it’s second fiddle stacked up against everything else.

            I once commented to my shrink that my mother has an odd embracement of old age, in ways that are atypical, especially for a female. (My mother lets the whole world know how old she is, and is not bashful about it in anyway. For a culture who is taught that asking a woman’s age is rude, well mom is blowing that straight out of the water and saving everybody the trouble of even wondering. The dementia part just leads her to keep repeating it because she’s forgotten she’s told people.) My shrink says that’s not uncommon for people with psych issues unrelated to dementia. They spend their lives dealing with memory problems and what not, so when old age comes around, they now have a socially acceptable excuse for their problems and want everybody to know it.

      2. fposte*

        The thing is, there’s not much to be done if the person doesn’t want to do it and the person’s on-site family isn’t going to take action. She and her brother can relay their concerns to their mother’s doctor, but they can’t make anybody do anything about them them. In some states family can report elderly drivers to the DMV (not in mine), but even if she loses her license her not driving is dependent on her not having access to car keys, and it doesn’t sound like Anon’s dad is somebody who’d police that.

        And assuming it is dementia, there’s only so far intervention will get you (I’m assuming that the doctors have enough info about her, or would after hearing from Anon and her brother, to rule out something like normal pressure hydrocephalus, which is often reversible). For some people, their highest value in quality of life is not being told what to do and not changing anything, and they’d rather die like that than follow doctor’s orders.

        1. Anonymous for this*

          I was confused at first because I go by male pronouns and forgot I anon’d this one :D

          A couple of years ago, mom got into three fender benders that were somehow deemed by mom as “not her fault” and dad believed it. I did tell him in so many words that just because she believes any one of them could have happened to anybody doesn’t mean all of them collectively could have and be written off as an “oops”. Dad did mention he was tired of paying to fix the bumpers, so he let the last one look funny for several months.

          So dad may be a bit closer to cutting off access to the keys, but I don’t know what it would take to actually get him to do it.

          As for the other med stuff, mom would actually have to talk to her doctors, and I don’t think she will do that. My best guess is your last sentence — she’s gotten this far, and just wants to ride it out.

    6. Anon of course!*

      This is a lot! Similar but different situation (not a good relationship with dad ever for similar reasons; but physical and mental health issues self-medicated with LOTS of alcohol). As I found out though experience, each state is different on who can report a person who shouldn’t be driving to take away their license. In my state, doctors can, as well as judges, of course, so google the requirements in your state, and follow up with her doctor. The doctor may only be able to listen to your concerns, but will hopefully act on this very real concern for her and public safety. But even if she gets the letter from the state dmv revoking her license, she may decide to still drive (not something I had to deal with, fortunately), especially since her judgment is diminished.

      Unfortunately, because of your parents’ personalities, all decisions for the foreseeable future will likely be on the fly in response to some incident or emergency. Contacting the local agency on aging in advance can give you some structure/options when decisions have to be made. There is a “nuclear option” of going to court to have her made a ward of the state (if you/your brother don’t want to be her legal guardian) and decisions would be made for her in her best interests. An attorney can advise you on this, and of course, a doctor would need to be involved, as well, and your dad likely would not be happy about it. Ultimately, I didn’t need to use this option, but I was so happy to know there were things that could be done if need be. I hope you and your brother can keep on good terms; my siblings were very helpful.

      1. Anonymous for this*

        Thanks.

        So apparently in my parents’ state, a citizen can report directly to the DMV, provided that independent corroboration can be obtained. The interesting thing is that the state *will* (or so they say) immediately cancel a license at the order of an MD (and a limited number of other medical professionals), but will not do so based on a “citizen” complaint. TBH, I think that’s sound policy.

    7. Not A Manager*

      My mother has dementia, and we had to go through a lot of this same stuff about her not being able to hear anything about memory loss/loss of faculties. I’m going to be really blunt here.

      The ABSOLUTELY BEST SAVING THING was her estate plan that has always included a living will, a medical power of attorney, and a legal POA. Those were kind of done as throw-aways as part of the larger and more important project of writing her will. Her lawyers have always just given her these documents in an “of course” kind of way, and she was always happy to sign them in an “of course” kind of way. What she had in mind was things like needing a medical POA if she were recovering from surgery or had bad pneumonia, and also she was absolutely willing to consider end-of-life stuff like when to end life support.

      But in fact, having the POA – which included the line which I bet she never paid any attention to, that the POA comes into force when her doctor signs a letter saying that she’s incompetent (which again, she was thinking Coma and not Alzheimers) – meant that when she DID need more care than she could get at home, I got her doctor to sign the form and then I really did have legal authority to move her. At that point, she was reasonably compliant and I certainly didn’t need to wave bits of paper in her face, but having that authority meant that I didn’t need to do anything OTHER than get her into the car.

      The other saving grace was that I had a legal POA to act on her behalf, similarly based on a doctor’s signature. Again she was thinking “who will pay the bills if I’m really sick,” but in fact that let me take care of her financials when she couldn’t do it.

      So my advice is, while she’s still legally competent, get her and your dad to a lawyer who will have them BOTH sign medical and legal POA’s, which they can be assured are NOT coming into effect now but are there “just in case” someone has a medical crisis. Like a coma or pneumonia.

      The caveat is, these things are super easy to abuse. It really does only take her doctor’s signature, or maybe two doctors, and then someone else can drain her bank account if they want to. (Of course there’s supposed to be oversight, but in my experience there really isn’t any unless a family member is adversarial.) So if you question the integrity of anyone who is likely to be on those forms, think twice.

      1. Anonymous for this*

        Truth be told, this is probably the best actionable advice I can get on the matter, so thanks for that. My brother would likely be POA and he has his wife are a couple of DINKs with good jobs, and my parents have pretty much no money (well they have a little, but not a ton by my standards) so I’m not worried about him raiding the piggy bank. Dad did say awhile back that he made my brother in charge of something because he’s local, I need to clarify the particulars of that. (It may have been executor of the estate, or perhaps even the POA, but again, I gotta check).

        Gonna have to revisit this issue in the near future, so thanks for the tip.

    8. Earthwalker*

      When Dad got lost coming home from the same grocery he’d gone to weekly for years, one mile from home, and he insisted it was the sort of mistake that anyone might make, I contacted his doctor. The doctor’s office called Dad in for an appointment without explaining why. He ended up with an occupational therapist who assessed his ability to drive. I was not aware that a doctor could take point and initiate a check on a family member’s word and then never reveal that a family member had ratted. They scheduled him and me together for the follow-up appointment. Ideally the way this works is that the doctor delivers the bad news and the family commiserates but acts as if his professional decision is authoritative and final. Unfortunately Dad was still with-it enough to know that the follow-up visit would be about getting him to stop driving, so he refused to go. I went alone and got more information and advice. That did not make the whole matter smooth sailing but the doctor’s help got me past “whatever should I do?” to a plan of action, for which I was very grateful. Why not call your mom’s doctor and ask if they have ideas for untangling this mess? They might be more prepared than you’d expect to deal with the family’s denial and suggest options you didn’t know were available.

    9. Courageous cat*

      I feel like I’ve heard recently that you can call the DMV with your concerns and they will bring her in for a driving test of some kind.

      Do that. I wish you the best with this.

    10. No fan of Chaos*

      A few suggestions: if she still drives (heaven forbid) be sure there is a gps tracker on the car. Put a gps tracker bracelet on her in case she wanders away from the house. If she still wants to cook, disconnect the stove. Put cameras on the out side of the house to track her direction of wandering. Review the bank accounts and remove her authorization to access them. Freeze the credit bureaus. Have all mail sent to a p o box to avoid her being a victim of scammers. Fix her phone to only ring from family to avoid scammers. Be very careful as there are many people ready to take advantage of people with compromised memory.

  68. Koala dreams*

    I want to thank those who answered my questions last week. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in being annoyed by stigmatizing comments.

  69. OyHiOh*

    Just finished a piece for a public chalk art event. Did a variation on one of my signature pieces – got lots of oos and ahs but the event was sponsored by local girl scout troops and all of the girls and their parents were voting for each other so I’m pretty sure I didn’t win one of the prizes. Which is fine. I got to sit outside on a beautiful Saturday morning and play with pretty colors. One of my little dragons hung out with me, the other two went to the library.

    The local gossip train has well and truly left the station, as regards my friendship with Neptune. He’s been getting the sorts of indirect leading comments people make when they don’t want to just ask a direction question for a couple weeks. Last night at the Reform temple in town, I had a conversation with one of the older women that started with noting that I’d thought about calling her when I was sort of in her neck of the woods last week, at a dinosaur themed family attraction that my dragons and I went to, yes, with Neptune. Given her unusual choice as an Orthodox Jewish woman to marry an african american presbyterian minister (Orthodox Jews tend to not marry outside Judaism and there’s an ugly streak of racism that runs through the more traditional segments of Jewish practice), I’ve been curious what she’d say about me and Neptune if given an opening big enough to drive through. So while washing up, I said (appropriate context) “so if you haven’t noticed from FB, Neptune and I are getting to be pretty good friends.”
    And she responded, in true Jewish grandmother fashion “well, when your year is over, he would make you a good match . . . . ” Trailed off, looked over her shoulder at the dragons. “Your children need a father figure . . . ”
    “Friend!” I was expecting blunt. I was not expecting *that.*
    “Well, it’s true”
    “It’s complicated . . . . ”
    “It’s not like I have any problem with it. I married a black man!”
    “No, not that. It’s just . . . . (internal debate about how much of his personal life to share; it’s complicated for a bunch of reasons) . . . how old do you think he is? From his pictures, best guess?” She guessed mid 50’s. Was seriously shocked to learn actual number is a solid decade older than what she thought (yeah, me too lol; took me two years to realize he wasn’t roughly the same age as the late Mr. Oy).

    Jewish grandmothers, y’all. Can’t sneak anything past them and they’re never just thinking about right now. My friend will keep her opinions to herself, for now. But I fully believe that come the end of next Feb, when my first year of mourning is over, she’s going to start dropping hints.

    1. fposte*

      I love chalk art! I’m in a neighborhood with no sidewalks, but I’ve thought about leaving out chalk and an invitation to draw on my driveway; unfortunately that’s probably too risky.

      (And I like your friend’s pragmatic approach.)

      1. OyHiOh*

        One of the houses we had a few years ago had a long retaining wall along the front yard. I did chalk art on it about once a week. Song quotes, inspiring notes, doing more images plus words right now

        1. fposte*

          Oh, man, I would *love* to put up something like that. That wouldn’t quite work for my yard, but maybe I’ll look around to see if people have created something that would.

          There’s just something about the ephemerality of it that allows people to really take chances and get created. And I can easily wipe out the odd genital.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, that’s nice! So how did you get started doing chalk art? Were you an artist before then? If I wanted to play with chalk art, anything you’d recommend guidance-wise or toolwise? Maybe I’ll just draw on my own driveway.

      2. OyHiOh*

        I did this one with artist pastels (what the hosts were handing out for the entry fee) but I really really like Crayola brand sidewalk chalks for first choice. They’re cheaper, bigger, and well pigmented. Have sponge brushes and water on hand to get solid coverage, deeper colors, and better blending. Some people like to use a bristle brush to blend colors dry but I like the water and sponge technique because it feels a little more like painting

      3. OyHiOh*

        Your other questions – I’m a writer more than a visual artist. My sister, mother, one of my aunts, grandmother are all visual artists. I suppose I’ve picked up a few things from them. I like playing with color but my figure work is pretty lacking.

        1. fposte*

          That inspires me in its own right, because I’m all words and no draftsmanship. But maybe I’ll get some chalk and start small, and if I don’t like it I can always pass the stuff along.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I like your friend. It feels like she is telling you, “It’s okay.” And that is a good thing.

      A very good friend of my husband’s related a story about a woman he knew. He watched her lose her husband, go through the grief and struggles and return to life gradually. In a bit she started dating. He was a nice guy, our friend said. Then after a bit they married. Our friend told me he was so happy for her.
      I saw the underlying message, “Live your life, be happy and I will be happy for you.”
      Even though I had no intention of dating, the message felt good. I knew I would keep this friend of ours no matter what way my road went in life.

  70. Elizabeth West*

    On Saturdays, the L.A. Times has real estate listings and it’s fun to just look and pretend I have Tony Stark money but I found a house in Los Feliz and it costs $6 million dollars but uuuuugggggghhh I want iiiiiiiiitt D’:

    1. MMB*

      My husband and I frequently look at house porn too. Sometimes it’s just nice to fantasize. We love the homes on the coast in the PNW.

    2. Auntie Social*

      I also (because I’m made out of money) look at one bedroom places in Manhattan, so I can fly in to see plays.

  71. CAA*

    Anybody else planning to watch the Women’s U.S. Open Tennis Final this afternoon? I’m looking forward to it. I got to see Bianca Andreescu play at Indian Wells earlier this year, and was really impressed. She’s come so far in such a short time. Then on the other side, you have Serena Williams still in excellent form and trying to win her 24th major and match Margaret Court’s record. I don’t know who to root for, but I expect a good match.

    1. Her name is Anne, she has no other*

      I will not watch it due to what happened last year in this very tournament.
      Serena will have to steady her nerves if she has any chance of getting number 24. All Bianca needs to do – like Kerber and Halep at Wimbledon the last two years is make Serena move (unless she has improved that part).

    2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      We’re watching it right now. This year my mum watched the entire US Open because she’s sick of watching the news and political TV shows. She played tennis back when she was a teenager, and then she taught us.

    3. Forrest Rhodes*

      All props to Bianca—not an easy task to fight off Serena’s game, Serena’s well-earned rep, and a solidly-Serena NY crowd. I’m in awe of Bianca for maintaining her calm and her shots in the face of all that … and she’s only 19!
      Way to go, Bianca, it was a great championship, and I understand Canada is (justifiably) losing its collective tennis mind about now.

    5. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I was curious and I took a look at the critiques after the final. I wonder if they would’ve written the same harsh, poisonous sentences if that was the men’s final…

  72. Argggh, paging captain awkward!*

    Help me! I got an e vite from the husband of a woman who is the parent of my kid’s friend to the woman/wife/mom’s big birthday bash this weekend. I’m like…parking lot chatty? friends with this woman so was sort of flattered to be invited and rsvp’d yes. I didn’t mention it to her at any point and she didn’t bring it up. On Friday a time school pickup, she said “hope you have a nice weekend!” In the moment, I didn’t know what to say- I hadn’t assumed her party was a surprise, but then since she didn’t know I was going…maybe it is? I went home and checked the invite and later got an email update from her husband that implies it is not: “we are moving the party inside, (name) is excited!”

    I just…now I feel weird like maybe I got invited accidentally? She didn’t invite me, her husband did. There are probably 50 people (plus spouses) invited, about 25 rsvp’d yes. So a medium sized party but…if it were mine I’d know who was coming.

    I was a little nervous about going bc I don’t know this couple too well, but figured hey, if they invited me, it’s a good opportunity to get to know them better. But now, argh! What if it was an accident and I just show up and… I mean it won’t be *that* awkward, it’s not like a dinner party where an unexpected guest is super weird but still.

    WWYD? Party is in 3 hours. I was looking forward to it until I talked to her Friday and she totally didn’t act like i knew about the party/was coming.

    1. Argggh, paging captain awkward!*

      FWIW “see you this weekend!” Would have made me feel a million times less anxious.

    2. Lilo*

      I think you are reading too much into the comment. “Have a nice weekend!” Is something you often say on autopilot.

      1. valentine*

        Yes.

        Woman: OMG, I’m seeing her this weekend! What if she thinks I don’t want her at my party?!

        Go. Everyone will have a story to tell, and probably a good one.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      Eh, I’d absolutely forget in the moment who’s coming and who isn’t. Or I’d be thinking through my last minute list and talking to people on autopilot. And I might keep quiet so I’m not talking loudly about parties around people who weren’t invited. I can be loud and then I wonder who else heard me. You’re invited and wanted. Have fun!

    5. Sparkly Librarian*

      I’m sure it was just a reflex. She might not have been thinking about the party at all in the moment.

      I once accidentally crashed a high school friend’s wedding because he shared the news via dropping the wedding website on me, and I RSVPed there not thinking it was weird that I didn’t have a paper invitation. (I was young and new to this, and the website read like an invite. I figured they’d gone paperless to spare the environment!) But no one said anything, and aside from some slight seating rearrangement when I showed up with my date and gift, it all seemed lovely and I was pleased to be included. Honestly, I don’t remember if it was days or months later that something clicked for me… Ohhhhhh, THAT’s why it was almost all family and no other friends from our group.

      1. WellRed*

        I’m fascinated that you not only managed to rsvp to a wedding you weren’t invited too, but brought a plus 1!

    6. Argggh, paging captain awkward!*

      Update: husband and I went, I’m pretty sure we were expected (got a “so glad you could make it!” from the bday woman) but I guess we’ll never know :-).

      We had a really good time and made a few new friends.

      2. LilySparrow*

        Yeah, she probably just:

        a) couldn’t remember in the moment who all was on the guest list and whether they rsvpd yes or no; or

        b) wasn’t sure whether husband had done all the invites he was supposed to;

        and was erring of the side of caution, to not be rude just in case.

  73. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Removed because work related. (If it’s a question about a coworker or something happening at work, please put it on the Friday work thread instead.)

  74. Jemima Bond*

    My OH has to go to Louisiana for three weeks with “thing we don’t mention at weekends” lol. What shall I get him to bring back for me? To the U.K. that is.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Chicory coffee – I like Community brand but you could do Cafe du Monde too.

      Beignet mix if you want to try making them at home.

      Hot sauce.

      Tony Chacheres creole seasoning.

      Best food souvenirs often come from the local supermarket.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yesssss Chacheres when we move overseas we will be bringing a suitcase full of that stuff. It’s SO GOOD.

    4. Llellayena*

      I second everything said so far and add…cat shaped glass paperweight! The New Orleans Glassworks has some amazing stuff and the cat paperweights are adorable!

    5. Jemima Bond*

      *takes notes* Thank you!
      Fwiw he’s not going to be near New Orleans (shame about the glass factory :-( ) but further north and west – so things that can be got from a supermarket sound great! Plus I’m not sure he’ll have loads of time off duty and tbh he’s not the type for meandering tourist shopping iyswim.

      Tangent: I just had a look on google maps and kept zooming out to get an idea of location in a way meaningful to me (my knowledge of US geography is sketchy!) and can someone please tell me how to pronounce Nachitoches?!
      Further tangent: this reminds me of a time at primary (elementary) school where the teacher handed out atlases and told us to find all 50 American states and make a list. We were allowed to work together and compare lists but it would have been hilarious to hear because there were some we hadn’t heard of and didn’t know how to pronounce so there we all were saying “have you found OH-ee-oh?/what about Illi-KNOW-is”, giving all the letters in Connecticut full respect (connekty-cut) and pronouncing Arkansas like Kansas with an Ar at the beginning. I don’t think we coped well with Iowa (i-OH-wa) or Idaho either, and Ne-vay-da may also have featured!
      Just this might make people chuckle! And redress the balance for Worcester etc.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        This revives a memory of briefly attending an English public elementary school (meaning “public” in the American sense of “funded by taxes, open to all who live in the district”). One time on the playground one or two kids asked me to say something in American. I was too astounded to reply. My cultural bridge-building skills had not yet developed.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          More to the point, I hope your spouse has a lovely & productive trip and that you receive something interesting, tasty, or beautiful as a souvineer. (If you do more some online research about Louisiana and/or Cajun, New Orleans, or American Southern culture and history I suspect you’ll find leads to histories, fiction, music, especially jazz, and recipes. My own knowledge is pretty scant beyond an awareness that many cultures overlapped in the region.)

      2. Dr. Anonymous*

        KNACK-it-ush. This is for the one in Louisiana. The one in Texas is likely pronounced differently. Small town with a small public university in it, at least when I was there briefly in 1980. Definitely go for groceries. I’d say Zatarain’s Crab Boil or their quick Red Beans and Rice mix, to which you should add some spicy sausage. Sadly, I don’t think andouille sausage would travel well.

        Eat well! I recommend gumbo, étouffe, jambalaya, and po-boy sandwiches for local treats for him to eat there.

      3. RebeccaSmiles*

        Natchitoches is pronounced Nack-uh-tish. It’s the oldest town/city in Louisiana. There will lots of yummy stuff for your sweetie to bring back to you. The movie Steel Magnolias was filmed in Natchitoches.

  75. Bananna*

    Hello everyone!
    I’m looking for some advice. My mom has recently been saying that she’d like to rehome our family dogs (two four-year-old Maltipoos). I’d like a script to see why she’d like to rehome them and if there’s anything I can do to help that would make her feel better about keeping them. I guess what’s frustrating is that every time she complains about something, she won’t allow any help with it. For instance, they sleep with her and she complained that she wasn’t getting enough sleep because of how often they move. I offered to let them sleep in my bed a few nights a week so she could get some rest. She agreed but now won’t let me take them! And now she’s back to being frustrated that she can’t sleep. Or, when we went to the beach, we all knew the dogs would be hyper. My father and I suggested that we drop them off at a doggie daycare that we all like (the dogs like it too), but my mom insisted that we take the dogs. The dogs were hyper and hard to control and we were all miserable by the end of the day. My mom began to complain about how much work the dogs were and started talking again about rehoming them. I want to help her, but she won’t let me help outside of little things (feeding, walking, cleaning up). I’m more than happy to do those, but I want to know if there’s more I can be doing and if she’ll actually let me help. I also want to know if she’s serious about rehoming or if this is something she simply says. I really don’t want to give up the dogs but I also want my mom and the dogs to be happy. If the dogs are overwhelming her, then I want to know if there’s some way I can help her. And if she’s dead set on rehoming the dogs, then I want to make sure the dogs go to a loving home. I’m just a jumble of emotions right now, so if anyone could help me plan a script, that would be wonderful.

    1. valentine*

      “Mom, you sometimes say the dogs are bothersome, enough that you want to rehome them, but then don’t follow up. Letting them go to a home where everyone’s happy for them to sleep in the bed doesn’t make you a bad person. Are you just venting or is this a goal?”

      I wonder if she thinks things will be different every time and is sorely disappointed. Insisting on doing things herself is half-martyr, but doesn’t make sense for the beach, where everyone suffered. Before even bringing it up, can you board the dogs for a week and see how she sleeps and how outings go, so you can point to that as the potential post-dog life?

      The dogs deserve not be made, and then seen as!, a nuisance.

      1. Bananna*

        Thanks for the script! I like the idea of affirming that she’s not a bad person and asking if she’s simply venting or if she truly wants it. I know she loves the dogs but she might just be overwhelmed. She does tend to believe that if the dogs will only be happy if she does X (whether that’s feeding them expensive dog food, sleeping with her, etc.) and doesn’t realize that the dogs will also be perfectly happy doing Y.
        Boarding them for a while is a good idea to see how she feels about it.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Can you be honest with her? “Mom, I love the dogs and I love you. I’d really prefer that they not be re-homed. You’re not letting me help you with the things that bother you, but you keep talking about how much they bother you and how you want to give up the dogs. Is there a solution to these issues so that you’re less upset and the dogs can stay here?”

      Honestly, I’m wondering what your role is in the family. Are you heading to school soon or in some other way unable to take over complete responsibility for the dogs? Why can’t she just “re-home” the dogs to you? You seem so tentative about “they could sleep in my room a few nights.” Why is that? Why can’t they sleep with you all the time?

      1. WellRed*

        Agreed with all this. Also, they are dogs. If you already help with walking and feeding and cleaning, that’s pretty much the big stuff. I am also guessing your mother has a history of complaining/passive martydom and others struggling to please her? If not, ask her what’s up.

        1. Bananna*

          She has a habit of taking on too much, rightly assessing that she took on too much, but then refusing to change things or accept help. It’s a pattern for sure.

      2. Bananna*

        That’s a great script. I really do want to be honest with my mom, but I’ve just been nervous about it.
        I live with my parents as I go to school nearby. I’d love to take the dogs and take on full responsibility; however, I will be going for a semester abroad which is the only real reason I hesitate to completely take them on. Perhaps I could take full responsibility until the semester abroad to relieve my mom at least temporarily and then when I come back I can continue caring for them?
        I first offered to have them sleep all the time with me, but my mom came pretty strongly against that as she does enjoy the dogs cuddling with her. We compromised on a few nights with me.

        1. Bananna*

          I feel guilty sticking my mother in a situation where she’s right back where she started; taking the dogs and feeling overwhelmed caring for them. However, that would be part of the conversation we’ll be having about whether or not we should rehome.

      3. Not A Manager*

        I’ve been thinking about this. I’m a bit worried about you taking on the dogs, going away for a semester, and coming back to find them re-homed. You know best whether this is likely to happen in your household.

        Regardless, if you feel guilty at the idea of burdening your mother when you’re away, what about if you do take ownership of the dogs now, including finding a temporary off-site situation for them when you’re away? I’ve found that many people are willing to take on dogs for a time-limited period, especially if you pay for the dogs’ expenses.

    3. ThatGirl*

      I have a maltipoo (just one) and honestly if she invested in some training and doggie daycare everything might be easier (our dog for instance happily sleeps in his crate in our room at night so there’s no disruption). But if she doesn’t want help, or to invest that time, then rehoming might be the best choice for everyone.

  76. Paralegal Part Deux*

    So, last week, my fifteen year old female cat Sassy started acting very lethargic and not coming out from under my bed and not going to potty much despite straining. I took her to the vet (was convinced they were going to put her to sleep. Three hundred dollars later, I’m happy to say it was only a UTI, and she’s well on her way to being back to her old self after a few rounds of antibiotics and an IV drip to replace fluids.

    It made me realize just how much I love my cat when I thought she wouldn’t be around any more. I mean, I knew I loved her, but it really hit me how much. It’s amazing how pets can worm their way into every aspect of your life. She really is my fur baby.

    2. cat socks*

      Glad she’s doing better! I agree – it is amazing how those little creatures light up your life. I never had pets growing up and never thought about having pets as an adult, then 8 years ago a stray cat literally crossed my path. I gave him a home and he’s no longer with me, but now I’m owned by five cats! They are so fun.

    4. WS*

      I’m glad it was just a UTI, but they’re so severe in cats! My 14-year-old cat just had one and it affected him terribly at the time, but he pulled through just fine. Best wishes for a full recovery for Sassy.

  77. annnnnongirl*

    Any guys or gals (and all the peeps between) have tips for dating when you are kinda late to the game (30) with little experience (but have the know-how)? I am usually very happy on my own but I feel like I want to give romance and dating a try. I am conventionally attractive (or at least my mom says so!) and am in a good place in life professionally & with friends. A little bit socially awkward but nothing I can’t suck up if I have to – just get drained by too much social interaction, even with friends I adore.

    Should I try online dating? Local meetings (in the Seattle-area if anyone has suggestions locally)? Articles/blogs to read? Accept my lot as a spinster? Go into extreme sports? Help!

    1. Parenthetically*

      My two cents as a person happily married to a guy I was set up with:

      If you have a discreet, chill friend who knows you really well, one strategy might be to ask them to be on the lookout for people you could meet. The friend who set me up with my husband did it in a really low-key way, and wasn’t particularly invested in the outcome. They knew the two of us well enough to know that we’d have some things in common, knew we were both solid people, and made the introduction happen as soon as possible after they had the idea, just saying to both of us, “Hey, why don’t you come along to (group gathering at local pub); we’d love you to meet (our cool friend).”

      If you immediately thought of a friend who could do that — be sufficiently knowledgeable about you and interested in your happiness as to avoid setting you up with a dud, but sufficiently trusting of your personal judgment and detached from the process as to be not-overly-invested in whether or not you End Up With That Person, I think it’s worth a shot. YMMV, obviously, but I think there are some people who are just “connectors” — good at figuring out which people in their circles would click with each other and arranging that in a low-key way.

    2. Dan*

      You’re not too old to accept fate as a spinster, and online dating will be fine. If you work in tech, go to tech meetups. While technically tech meetups really aren’t meant to be “pickup spots”, there’s no reason you can’t go and meet guys there. (Those are tougher for guys, because where I live, it’d be like 50 guys and 5 women.)

      Do you know where you’re at on the kids thing? If so, be up front about that as appropriate. If you *do* want kids, then you need to date along that trajectory, because if you mess around with people who “aren’t sure” and it ends up as “no”, then you’re giving up some precious time. So if kids are important, only date like minded people. And if kids are *not* important, also only date like minded people. There is no compromising on kids — someone who wants them and someone who doesn’t will not make a good couple (although I am sure there are exceptions.)

    3. Jackalope*

      I tried a few different things and I found my best bet was online dating. Once you’re in your 30’s the dating pool is smaller (although still existent!), and so having a place you can go where you know everyone (except a handful of liars but that’s not the norm) is available and interested in dating is SO helpful. (I tried being active in the community and joining meet up groups and such and had a ton of fun, but no dates.)

      Things that helped me with online dating: picking a site with good prompt questions (not just “tell us about yourself”, which one of them literally had as their only profile question); coming up with a wide variety of things I was willing to do with strangers (local parks to walk in, cafes close to my home that weren’t my favorites so if they were a creepster I didn’t end up giving them a way to stalk me but that I liked well enough that it was fun, museums I had always meant to visit, and so on); looking out for my safety but also being willing to take a chance (when I first started I went on dates with anyone that didn’t give me a creepy vibe; that helped me figure out what I was looking for so that later on I could be pickier since I knew what I was looking for). Captain Awkward had a dating primer not that long ago that was awesome and you could totally check it out (she also periodically posts amazing ideas about what to write in your profile that will actually be useful). One of her thoughts is that you should go on lots of first dates, few second dates, and even fewer third dates, as you are seeing if someone works with you. This worked well for me; by a third date you really can tell most of the time if you would want to date this person or not, and I would know if I wanted to fish or cut bait. And if you can, have fun with it. I went on a lot of interesting dates, got some good stories, had fun doing things I hadn’t thought I’d ever try (this is a definite upside to having dates with strangers; they won’t suggest the same things that you and your friends always do anyway…), and generally enjoyed it.

      One other thought; someone else said that you should figure out what you want regarding kids and make sure you and the people you date are on the same page. Do the same thing for physical intimacy (not just sex, although that’s obviously part of it). Whatever you want, from lots of sex from the very beginning to nothing but handholding the first six months that you date (or no touching at all until you’re married, IF you get married), there will be someone else who wants the same thing. If you low what you want up front then it’s easier to find a partner you’ll be happy with. Of course, you may not know for sure, but try to figure things out and don’t be afraid to be open about it with possible dates even if you’re embarrassed about it.

    4. Anona*

      I liked online dating because it’s very clear that people are looking for some type of connection, vs hobbies where they may not be. I met my husband on eHarmony 10 years ago. I agree with everyone else- one of the beauties of dating online is you can lay out what’s really important to you. For me, I really wanted someone in my religion.
      When I started online dating after a bad breakup, I decided I was going to be open. To me that meant being willing to move forward with whoever was interested, until there was some kind of deal breaker/I wasn’t interested. That’s how I met my husband. His profile was not good- he’s not a great writer (more into math/science), and the photos he posted were not great. He also had a bad haircut. I basically went through the motions with him.until our first phone call- he was really great to talk to. That’s when I actually started getting interested.
      I also recommend not taking too long to meet. One dude I messaged with for months. He lived a few hours away. We had such a good connection over email, but when I eventually met him, there was zero chemistry.
      Also, when I decided I was going to seriously start looking and dating, I spiffed up my wardrobe and also got friends to take a few pictures of me. I tried to both show what I looked like (both face and full body), and also show my interests (I had one of me getting ready for a race). And for clothes, I didn’t do anything crazy, i just replaced my ill fitting jeans with better ones and made sure I had a few date worthy outfits.
      Good luck!!!!

      2. Jackalope*

        Oh yes, the perils of waiting too long! I had a similar experience; one guy seemed great online and then his voice and laugh were like fingernails on my mental chalkboard. Went out with him a few times since I’d liked him so much online but in the end I just couldn’t do it.

        As far as pictures go…. I read somewhere that the higher quality your pictures are (or at least your first, primary picture is, the one that is the first thing people see about you), the more responses that you get. Note that it’s not that you have to look fancy or amazing, but a high quality pic vs. a fuzzy selfie in the bathroom mirror will do wonders. I had a friend who does photography (shoots weddings and the like) and so I did a photo shoot with her and used one of those pictures. Don’t know if that was the key or not, but she and I did this a couple of months after my last breakup, when I was ready to start dating again. Within about three weeks I found a profile of someone that I thought sounded interesting, dropped him a line, he thought I sounded interesting too, and…. We got married about four months ago. So the photo wasn’t the only thing but it certainly helped.

        1. Anona*

          Lol, one guy sounded like a duck when we spoke on the phone. I had been interested in him before that, but I just couldn’t continue.

    5. Alexandra Lynch*

      Online dating works fine.
      What people said above, too.

      Also, make it clear in your profile what sort of partner you’re looking for. Usually the people who prefer to be active physically should link up with others who are active physically. I’ve had a foot messed up in an accident; I’m not going on 20 mile hikes for fun. On the other hand, I don’t rule out a stroll in the park or through the local art museum, though I may need to allow for that in my standing budget. If my partner’s happiness relied on me being able to rock climb and run with him, we’d have a serious problem.

      Similarly, while you don’t have to like the exact same things, it’s probably good to like the same sorts of things. My boyfriend and I both like to learn and read, even if he’s reading and working through problems in “Applied Econometric Time Series” and I’m reading “The Microstructure of Bones and Teeth of Nonmammalian Therapsids”. And I listen and nod and smile when he talks about the neatness of this model, and he does the same for me when I talk about LAGs and realizations about paraphyletic groupings. It would apply still if he was reading science-fiction and I was reading romances; the important thing is that we both agree that an evening spent reading in silence, side by side, is cozy, not boring.

      Because the more things you can do together or side-by-side, the better the relationship can be.

  78. Just a Guy in A Cube*

    Tadpole (8) just hard-boiled herself some eggs & has gotten Spanakopita going, and I’m trying to revive some Sourdough starter, so maybe it will be a good kitchen weekend?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Maybe!! Once you get the starter well-established, it’s pretty easy to revive it. I keep a backup in my freezer in case my refrigerated one dies.

      1. BRR*

        Ooh. That’s a great idea! Yeah starters are pretty resilient. If it’s pretty weak, I might use some rye flour (I don’t use rye in mine) or a little higher percentage of wheat. Maybe also some warmer water and feed twice a day.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Spanakopita! I’ve made it only once, but it was so worth the effort. I’m jealous you’ll be enjoying that this weekend.

  79. Pinky Pie*

    Argh! I promise this question isn’t really work related. My husband is traveling a lot for his job and it’s affecting my 5 and 7 year old. Thursday his boss asked him if he could fly straight to another state after work and he said yes- and will be gone for a week. The kids are wild, alternating between upset and clingy. It doesn’t help matters that my husband told his boss this summer that he needed to take my oldest to cub scout camp instead of flying to California to the weekend- she had sold camp cards for weeks to get the weekend with her father. It was worth saying no to, but with changes at his company he’s not going to use the card again. Any hints to helping them adjust to their father being gone for a week a month for the next year?

    1. WellRed*

      You and hubs need to have a convo about priorities. It’s one thing to have to travel for work a lot, it’s quite another to hop on a plane with no notice. And for a week!
      I just saw you ended with hiw to help girls cope for the next year? Is it really time limited? Then, facetime, countdown calendar with stickers, special girls time while dad is gone, dad sends postcards and brings home a present. Learning about, eg, Calif if that’s where dad is. That’s all I got!

      1. valentine*

        It’s sad that she felt she had to buy time with her dad. If the weekends are their only real time with him and his trips will always include a weekend, maybe you can rearrange his work and/or their school so they have weekday time. Each child needs their own time with him and then both of them with him and not you. Maybe each gets a Saturday/Sunday morning or afternoon with him, alternating weeks. The other time is for the three of them and evenings are for the whole family. If he can do school runs or take them out of school for lunch or literally carve out any consistent time, I think that’s what the kids are craving. That way, when he’s gone, you can point to the calendar and show the sacred times work can’t yank him away all of a sudden like. (And if his weird boss can stop with the impromptu trips (assuming he’s not in a profession requiring a go bag), that would be a massive plus.)

    2. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      All kids are different, so grain of salt, etc. (esp because ours were a bit younger when my wife was traveling regularly) but –

      Routines help a lot. So do interactions with the absent parent.

      For interacting with the parent – Can you have him to video chats, write notes for them to read, or have a special song/book/etc that you’re singing/reading where you are and dad is also doing the same where he is? Can they write him notes as part of packing? Maybe they can draw a picture/print a google image of where dad is?

      For routines – the sticker chart suggested above is good. Having you and kids do some kind of checkin/calendar review around mornings or bedtimes so everyone can say “we miss him & expect him back”, and normalize both the feelings and the expected return (better if returns are going to be reliable). Also routines outside of his travel … Thursday is waffles-for-dinner day, or mornings include making beds and Tuesdays are “every floor is clear” afternoons … it’s really easy to let things slide while a parent is gone, and if this is a regular thing, then you’re all going to have to figure out what the three of you need to do to make the new normal work. Make that routine.

      And give them space for this to be hard. It is. If it’s hard because they don’t understand that he’s coming back, or because they’re afraid he doesn’t love them/they did something wrong, then address that. But if they miss him, you can validate those feelings, and figure out a routine to let them express them and have them acknowledged. A lot of the problems we had were because kids missed mommy, but a lot were also because they didn’t get what it meant that mommy wasn’t home/where she was/when she’d be back/etc. Doing video chats, getting silly stories about the hotels she stayed at, and being able to talk about how days would go & when she’d be back all helped.

      (And as someone else said, this is a huge stressor, and you and your husband should talk about that, and what you’re both up for, and keep the discussions open. We ended up in marital counseling & eventually a different job because stuff got too hard. But while this is your reality, those are the things that helped our kids.)

    3. Not A Manager*

      At those ages, my kids liked to have their parent read a book to them over the phone (FaceTime wasn’t a thing), and they would follow along in their own copy.

    4. Clisby*

      If you’re up for it, can they sleep with you while he’s gone? When my kids were little my husband wasn’t gone all that often, but they adjusted a whole lot better if they slept with me so I could tell them stories before they went to sleep. (I know there are people who think parents should never let their kids sleep with them, and I think those parents are idiots.)

      2. Elizabeth West*

        My parents didn’t let us sleep with them and I really wouldn’t call them idiots. My mother would come to us if we needed her (we knew we could count on it, so it wasn’t a big deal).
        We also learned to respect their privacy. We could play or lie on the bed, but it was theirs to sleep in. They also taught us to knock first before trying to open a closed door and did the same for us.

        Obviously there could be exceptions, but it’s not *idiotic*.

  80. AnonLurker Appa*

    Just need to rant a little here. Long time lurker. I know usually here there’s a lot of constructive advice, but I think I mostly want some commiseration or sympathy.

    My mother drives me up a wall. We are at a relative’s funeral this weekend out of state. I live in a different state than my parents, and we don’t spend a lot of time together throughout the year.

    There’s no objective reason for my mom and I not to get along. I just feel like she’s overbearing and just gets on my *nerves.* Like we are here with all these people, and we’ll start having a conversation with a friend of my relative we don’t know, and she just takes over the conversation. She alway starts talking about the same fancy things that she’s done. In the big scheme of things, it’s small, I get annoyed. I want to talk to people to learn more about them.

    Also, I was playing some music as part of the get together, mostly because she instigated my relatives asking me to play. I didn’t really want to, but I knew people would appreciate it. She kept bringing it up, asking when I would play this afternoon. Telling me people were asking her when I would play. And it just got my hackles up.

    Anyway, I feel a bit like a little s*** having an attitude at my relatives funeral. I wish I could have a little more emotional distance. Relatives can be hard.

    2. AnonLurker Appa*

      Another part of this is that we have to share a room & bed in a cousin’s house for the weekend. She’s of the ‘it’s not a big deal, suck it up attitude.’ I just want some personal space!

      1. MaxiesMommy*

        Isn’t there a nice motel nearby? Can you explain you need quiet because you have some work to do (point at laptop accusingly)??

        1. AnonLurker Appa*

          The family would take offense if we refused to stay in their home when there was room. Plus, we are staying with a relative who just experienced a loss herself, and is clearly enjoying having company in the house. I just want my own bed.

          1. WellRed*

            You’re a good relative. My definition of “room” is my own bed, preferably in my own room. Focus on the happiness of your host?

            1. valentine*

              we have to share a room & bed in a cousin’s house for the weekend.
              I cannot overemphasize that you really, really don’t. (Unless you live with her and she would (legally) evict you for it. Look up your local tenant’s rights.)

              The family would take offense if we refused to stay in their home when there was room.
              But there isn’t room! You may find good stuff in the Captain Awkward letter where, because a couple wasn’t married (bonus: they’re never getting married), LW’s parents made her man sleep outdoors in a tent whenever everyone visited. (Build him a doghouse, why don’thcha? Dogs also deserve better than the old cartoon fare.)

              You do not have to follow your mother’s lead or be attached at the hip, either. You live together? This is time for each of you to see family. Frame it as “I don’t want to monopolize your time, Mom,” and run Clooney her: Keep moving whenever she approaches. You don’t live together? Super! This is time for each of you to see family. You will catch up later.

              I cannot overemphasize that you have gone above and beyond by trying out the shared bed. Now it’s time for “It’s killing my back and I can do with some time to reflect at the end of the day.” Get thee to a B&B/hotel/motel/Holiday Inn. When they ask where you’re staying? “Oh, nearby. I don’t want you to worry about that!” Do not tell them where. (Unless you can turn your mom away when she shows up to share that bed with you as well.) You can spend time with family during the day. They don’t need you 24/7. But your needs are paramount and you need not to be with them 24/7, including in bed.

              You can learn to detach in order to create emotional distance. Look up narcissists (not that your mom is, but the relationships/advice will help you) and enmeshment.

              1. AnonLurker Appa*

                Thank you for the affirmation that I’m not being stuck up and high maintenance by wanting my own bed!

              2. AnonLurker Appa*

                When I heard last week that we’d be sharing a room and bed I really tried to object. But my mother made the arrangements with my relative, and basically didn’t really think it was a problem. She promised she’d sleep on the couch and the re-neged on that once it came time to go to bed.

                2. Not So NewReader*

                  You’re just never allowed to speak your own thoughts on anything, are ya? It’s gotta be like drowning to be around her.

              3. AnonLurker Appa*

                The family would take offense if we refused to stay in their home when there was room.
                *But there isn’t room!*

                ^ this is such a good point. Thank you

      2. WellRed*

        100% support here. You’re feelings are fine, doesn’t matter that it’s a funeral. And the lack if personal space is making it worse. Hang in there!

        2. Jackalope*

          I mean, the fact that it’s a funeral makes it even more important. Since this was important enough to you that you were willing to travel far enough from home to be away from your own bed, I assume this relative mattered to you as well in some way. Perhaps close, perhaps not, but they mattered. Just because you aren’t the closest person who is the deepest in grief, doesn’t mean you don’t have grieving issues going on right now one way or another. When I lost a family member a few years ago that was NOT an immediate family member I had to go for several walks by myself to process. Maybe you need something similar.

      3. Not A Manager*

        “Another part of this is that we have to share a room & bed in a cousin’s house for the weekend. She’s of the ‘it’s not a big deal, suck it up attitude.’ I just want some personal space!”

        This might be worth exploring a bit more, if not this weekend then later when you can reflect. Your mother made this arrangement and foisted it on you. When you objected, she made vague promises to sleep on the couch. Your comfort is now basically held hostage by whether she’ll live up to that promise. (Spoiler…)

        That was a really good time to say, “Sorry, that won’t work for me, I’ll stay at a hotel.” You’re an adult, you don’t live with her, you have your own life… and yet you somehow feel that your mother can emotionally veto you from doing a perfectly normal, adult thing. (You don’t have to play the piano if you don’t want to, either.)

        It might be a bit awkward to move into a hotel now, although I’m voting for at least the couch. But in the future, maybe you can practice just saying, “no thanks, I’m going to do this other Perfectly Reasonable Thing” without waiting for your mother’s agreement or permission.

        1. AnonLurker Appa*

          Bullseye. This is **such a good point**. Thank you. I almost went on Airbnb to find a place for the weekend, but ended up going with the flow. I’m saving this script.

    3. Anonymous for this*

      I can certainly offer you commiseration *and* sympathy.

      Relatives can definitely be hard.

    4. Anono-me*

      Can you leave for a little bit and go to the library or a Kinko’s or a coffee shop Etc “to work”?

      I don’t know if this would work with your health or the home you’re visiting or if this will ever be a similar situation for you again. But can you invest in a nice inflatable mattress or even an inexpensive futon mattress single? Next time you can bring that with and just say to your hosts that you’re all set just point you to space to set up. Because you started snoring. Or kicking people in your sleep. Or something obnoxious

      2. AnonLurker Appa*

        Thank you for the commiseration. I might use the excuse that I’ve started snoring badly in the future!

    5. ..Kat..*

      Captain Awkward has some good blog posts on how to say you are going to stay in a hotel when visiting relatives who expect you to stay with them. And how to not cave on this. Too late for this weekend, but worth it for the future.

    6. NicoleK*

      I feel your pain. My own mother is negative, bitter, plays the victim, and frequently complains about her children to her friends and relatives. I limit contact with her because she gets on my nerves.

  82. Jeanie-ology*

    I’d like to begin researching my Dad’s family’s genealogy and have no idea where to start. Any suggestions? Key points: He was born and raised in The Netherlands and most of the family is still there. Both of my grandparents were one of six or seven siblings.
    Additionally, I’m not at all interested in the DNA part of genealogy research. I’m extremely wary of the privacy policies of the companies doing such tests.
    Thanks for any guidance.

    1. Weegie*

      If you’re in contact with relatives in the Netherlands, that’s the place to start – someone there will have birth, death, marriage certificates in their possession. There might even be someone who acts as ‘family historian’ and has already done some research and a family tree.

      If you’re not in contact with anyone, the first step will be to read up on ‘how to do genealogy’ – there are any number of web resources and books on this (too many!), and there is bound to be a family history society near you that can offer guidance and that you can join. I don’t know if genealogy is such a big thing in the Netherlands, but it seems to be a worldwide hobby, so you might also find a Dutch family history group you can join remotely (I’m in one in the UK – we have members from all over the world, a very active website, and people who are always contacting us for advice; we also offer a research service for a small fee, if people need us to access local records not available online).

      At some point, you’ll probably need to find out how to navigate Dutch records – no clue how useful Ancestry or one of the other genealogical databases are in this regard, but in any case I’m a firm believer in starting from first principles and understanding how different nations keep records, where they are and how to access them. Again, there will be a book, a society or online resource that can start you off with the basics.

      Health warning: genealogy is extremely addictive! But you will find lots of fellow addicts out there who are keen to both help you on your research journey and bore you to death with their own research :-)

    2. Wicked Witch of the West*

      So much depends on where you are. If you are in the US and your father was a naturalized citizen, his citizenship application will have lots of info.

  83. Jaid*

    https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-16964783

    The myth of the eight hour sleep. Humanity normally sleeps in two shifts, it’s just that since the advent of the Industrial Revolution, we’ve been been taught that we need to sleep through the night. Otherwise we sleep for four hours, be awake for one or two, then fall back asleep.

    Certainly explains my sleep habits.

    1. Reba*

      I remember reading about this a few years ago. I’m gonna try to dig up that essay, because it had a beautiful way of describing the strange clarify of that nighttime wakefulness.

      I can get some anxious thoughts around getting enough sleep, so learning about this really helped me curb those thoughts–if I wake in the night, it’s not a problem.

      I also regret that we don’t spend all day in bed in the winters anymore :)

    2. Alexandra Lynch*

      My youngest son did that all his life. Fortunately for my sanity he got to an age where he could be trusted to get up, make himself a bowl of cold cereal, eat it, and go back to bed. But he still gets up in the night. Sometimes now he winds up going out and falling asleep on the couch or in the recliner. We are still working on the point that if you choose to go back to sleep in the main room you can’t complain at 6 am when the dogs are let in, and people start to go about their day. If that’s a problem, you have a room with a bed in it, dude.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        We should all have nap breaks at work after lunch, with little fluffy beds in quiet rooms to take them on. I’m convinced we would be so much more productive.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        I’d take Matthew Walker’s book (which I highly recommend) over any other source, he does cite all the research for why the 2-phase sleep thing is a myth for the vast majority of people. If I recall, the myth was based on one or two documents from a few centuries ago referring to a fad of breaking sleep into two parts. By all other accounts, it was not something practiced by the vast majority of people before or since. References to biphasic sleep usually are for siesta cultures where there is an overnight sleep period and an afternoon nap period.

  84. Invisible Fish*

    Phenomenal AAM folks, I need suggestions re: How to share a hotel room with the world’s noisiest sleeper?

    My partner snores – loudly, aggressively, constantly. He also talks in his sleep-but it’s more than just ‘talking.’ It’s whispering, muttering, laughing, giggling …. all interspersed with snoring and snorting and moaning and making all sorts of weird noises. (I’m sure something like sleep apnea plays a role in some of the noise, but my suggestions that he get help have been ignored for many years now- I’m currently just focused on how to share a room while on a trip.)

    At home, we sleep in different rooms. However, for the first time in FOREVER, we might be able to swing a vacation. Also however, we would obviously have to share a room due to cost.

    Suggestions?

    Ear plugs, obviously. Something for white noise, obviously. (At home, it’s an air purifier, but I can still sometimes hear the noise he is making DOWN THE HALL IN ANOTHER ROOM. Folks, I can sleep through the machines in an ICU unit room!!)

    What else?

    If if you’re going to suggest sleep aids, please be clear on the brand name/name it’s easiest to research it with – some have caused me problems of the “I think my throat is closing up” variety, so I’m wary.

    I’m desperate enough to try just about anything …. I really want a vacation, and he’s the most fun person to go with.

    Also, thank you to all the lovely people whose questions and ideas and stories and suggestions make my day on the regular. That would be all of you.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Oh my God. What a picture you paint. An audible picture.

      I think it is completely imperative that you not share a room. Sometimes you can rent an air bnb for about the same as a hotel room. Even if it only has one bedroom, so long as it has two rooms, one of you can sleep on the couch or even on a sleeping bag in the second room. (Camping pads are portable and pretty comfortable.)

      I would honestly go for half the time and pay for twice the hotel rooms if I had to. I would also happily sleep in the car. I can’t imagine any sleep aid in the world that would get you to sleep through all of that.

      1. Washi*

        Was going to say the same thing! A lot of Airbnb hosts rent out multiple rooms in their house, so if you don’t mind a house-share kind of situation, that’s usually the cheapest way to do separate rooms, and isn’t usually more than a hotel.

    2. ..Kat..*

      Can you rent a suite, with a door that closes between the bedroom and living room and has a fold out couch in the living room?

      and then afterward, drag him to the doctor. Sleep apnea isn’t just bad for you to listen to. It greatly increases the risks of him dying early.

    3. WS*

      Don’t share a room if possible! I talk in my sleep and also have restless legs…and my partner is a light-sleeping insomniac. If you do have to share a room, 3M earplugs are very good, she says. (My brother is worse than me and his wife also sleeps separately, but both their kids are the same on the talking and kicking, so no bed sharing for them either.)

      1. Julio*

        Hi everyone! I woke up few minutes ago to take care of my youngest daughter and lost my sleepy. This forum is amazing!

    4. AnonymousNurse*

      I recommend a white noise machine called LectroFan! I work nights and I can’t hear anything when I’m asleep during the day. It has like 20 noises to choose from and the volume is LOUD if you need it to be. It also looks attractive and is small. Mine’s lasted 2 years of heavy use and counting!

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Since cost is an issue and you can’t do separate rooms, maybe try one Tylenol PM (or half–test it at home to see how much you need to stay asleep). I used to use it when my back pain was a mild annoyance at night and it kept me asleep most of the night.

      1. Clisby*

        Also – if all you need is sleep, no pain relief required, Tylenol PM is nothing but acetaminophen with benadryl added. Just buy the generic version of benadryl for a cheaper solution.

    6. Alex*

      Seconding the “Airbnb instead of hotel” if possible. I frequently travel with a friend, and it’s WONDERFUL to have our own bedrooms at the end of a long day of being in each other’s spaces, as well as each having our own private sleep routines (I frequently wake up in the night). It’s usually about the same as getting a hotel room, and you can save additional money by having a kitchen to prepare breakfasts, etc.

    7. Anono-me*

      Being propped up in bed should help cut down on the snoring . Can you get one of those wedge pillows for him? Alternatively some motels have rooms with recliner chairs for people with bad backs. (It seems more common in motels that cater to long-distance truck drivers and you do have to ask.)

      Also he should probably avoid anything alcoholic, as it makes it easier for him to sleep through louder snoring before he wakes up partway and repositions himself.

      He may also be able to find an anti snoring over-the-counter medicine at a drug store or his local natural medicine store.

      Good luck with your trip.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Do you have any recommendations for specific chains that have recliners? My grandma really needs to sleep in either a recliner or an adjustable bed because of her back, and we’ve had so many hotels and vacation rental houses not understand the distinction between “padded couch-like chair” and “recliner” when we try to book a place grandma can sleep comfortably and ask over the phone.

        1. Anono-me*

          Sorry, I don’t I have a chain that I can recommend. Your best bet might be to ask an over the road truck driver.

          I only found out about it by purest happenstance. We were following a friend in a semi who pulled into a small town Motel 6*. Our truck driver friend knew the desk clerk and so we all chatted for a little bit. Somehow it came up in conversation that their motel has several rooms with recliners for truck drivers with bad backs. Both our truck driver friend and the desk clerk said a lot of motels that cater to truck drivers do this.

          * I’m pretty sure it was a local decision at this motel and not a chain plan.

    8. !*

      I realize what you are looking for is a solution for your vacation but has your partner ever had a sleep study done? If they have sleep apnea, it’s not just annoying to another partner but also a very serious health hazard. I too used to snore and at times my breathing would stop and I would wake abruptly. My husband and I have slept in different bedrooms for a while because I was so adamant about not wanting to go through the hassle of a sleep study, being diagnosed, and getting a CPAP machine. Well, I broke down and did all of it (and it was not bad at all!), while I have only minor sleep apnea, I did get a CPAP machine and can definitely say that my sleep is so much better! I have been using it a little over a month and can already tell that my cognition, memory, and mood have all improved as well. Hubby and I have had to get 2 bedroom accommodations for past vacations due to my snoring but this time around I’ll bring my machine and we’ll be fine. Unfortunately, until your partner can get his snoring under control, I honestly don’t think you’ll be able to sleep together. Even with earplugs in, sleeping in a different room, my husband could still hear my snoring. A noise machine won’t do sufficient covering of noise coming from someone sleeping just inches away. You should probably get an accommodation that has an extra bedroom or fold out couch. You also need to push him to get a sleep study, best thing I ever did.

      1. Dan*

        I came in to say the same thing, although my sleep apnea is “moderate”. TBH, I’m surprised your snoring was that bad with only “mild” sleep apnea.

        All that aside, do the stinking sleep study and get the stinking CPAP machine, the short and long term benefits are all worth it.

    9. CatCat*

      I definitely agree on getting separate rooms. I’d put off the trip until that could happen. Nothing will kill a vacation quite like sleep deprivation.

  85. YetAnotherUsername*

    I found a really good article on the BBC today about levels of ability and fluency in languages. I was a bit disappointed to discover I’m not really fluent in anything but English, and probably never have been. I genuinely thought I was fluent in two other languages when I was younger. But it’s really interesting to see all the different levels of ability and at least I know I wasn’t far off fluent. Link in comment

    2. HannahS*

      Oh, that’s interesting! I’m working in a bilingual (English/French) environment at the moment, and part of my being there is that I wanted to see how much of my second-language I need to develop in order to be able to practice medicine in French. I have what I call “functional fluency” in French–I traveled in France without needing English, and can express simplified versions of my opinions of abstract concepts, but oh boy, sit me in a room with a Quebecoise teenager and I have no idea what she’s talking about because a) argh, the accent and b) ARGH the colloquialism. So a lot of study would be needed.

      1. fposte*

        Tangentially, HannahS, maybe you can help me with a Quebecois thing. So I get that the friendly greeting is “S’allez?” My French was up to figuring that out. What I never figured out was what the heck you’re supposed to say in response. Just “S’allez?” back without answering the question? A Gallic shrug? “Oui, je vais sans cesser”? What’s the appropriate idiomatic response? I plan to go back and I don’t want to be struck dumb by the simplest of greetings.

        1. HannahS*

          Oh my glob, I have no idea. I’d slur “Ouais il va bien, et vous?” together and hope for the best. It’s probably not the right response but conveys that you understood and return the greeting. I have close to zero idiomatic French. Ridiculously, the French taught in English Canada is almost entirely France French, not Quebec French, accent included.

          Your question reminds me of the first time I hung out with guys from England, one of whom would always greet me with, “Eyy, you alright?” and I had no idea why he always thought things were going badly for me! Colloquial language is hard.

          1. MaxiesMommy*

            I always thought the question was “ca va?” and the answer was “bien, et vous?” or just “Bien”. That’s what I used in Quebec last year and no one stared—pas de personne!!

    3. Washi*

      I wish I could handle this article to everyone who has asked me “are you fluent?” when I talk about my experience working in another language. It’s a completely meaningless question because people define that so differently, and in my experience the more someone knows a language, the less likely they are to call themselves fluent. I usually end up saying that I can watch a movie or read a book without subtitles/translation/dictionary and understand 95-100%. I’m not sure what I’d be on that CEFR scale, since my work had me doing a ton of work on the telephone, which is its own challenge, but very little writing.

      I’m about to start learning a fourth language and am so curious to see if learning a language at 27 is different from 10 and 18, which were when I started learning my second and third languages respectively. (Though language #2 has really gone down the drain, unfortunately.)

      1. Reba*

        “the more someone knows a language, the less likely they are to call themselves fluent.” So true!!

        I recently heard someone say they did not feel “fully expressive” in a language they’ve been speaking since adolescence and with no discernible accent! As you can tell, this surprised me, but I find that phrase to be a great way to think about language, capturing both utility and how you feel subjectively about speaking.

  86. The Other Dawn*

    The gym is just about ready! I should have pictures next weekend. My husband and I hung all the mirrors the other night. (Unfortunately there was a trip to urgent care for stitches…) Yesterday I out together my weight racks, cleaned all my dumbbells and kettle bells (they were outside for quite a while), installed my battle rope and swept. I assembled my wood plyo box, but it turns out I bought the wrong size–it’s too high for me. It’s way too heavy to pack up and ship back, so I may keep it, or I may sell it. Not sure yet. It works as a seat, though, so maybe I’ll keep it in there. I bought a mini fridge, which I’ll pick up during the week (husband has been warned he’s not allowed to store his beer there, as my gym is right next to the garage).

    As for what I still need to do, there isn’t really anything. I was going to paint the baseboard, but it’s primed white and looks fine so I’ll probably skip that. I need to spackle a few holes and touch up the wall paint, as I misjudged the stud location when installing my rope. I also need a few more dumbbells since the ones that were outside are rusty. Plus I want the neoprene instead since they have a better grip.

    In other news, it’s back to the ortho in a couple weeks for ablation on my lower back. I’ve realized that the one I had in January has worn off (nerves grew back), which is why I’ve needed the Percocet more. The pain is back to causing sleep problems (at first it was while I was at work–desk job). If I don’t take Percocet, I’m awake by 1 am with back pain. With Percocet, I can sleep until about 4:30 am. I then toss and turn for a bit since the pain relief has worn off, and since I have to be up by 5:30 on a weekday, there’s no sense in taking another Percocet because it knocks me out. So I finally figured out the ablation wore off after having a particularly rough two weeks. I got about eight months out of it, which isn’t bad at all. Hopefully this next one carries me through until springtime, when I’ll decide if I’m doing fusion or having another ablation. Probably fusion. Might as well fix the problem rather than covering it up.

    Oh, and new kitty has made himself at home. He’s a weirdo, for sure. Loves to play. He has figured out the bedroom is a great place to be, so it’s a race to see which one of us can get into the bedroom first. I swear that cat has radar! He’ll be nowhere in sight, but as soon as I get halfway up the stairs, I hear him tearing through the house and up the stairs. I still get there first, though, as long as I move fast enough. I’d love to let him in, but we sleep with the door shut and he’s not one to stay in one place for long.

    1. Llellayena*

      I’d still paint the baseboard. Primer isn’t designed for long wear/exposure. Also, since primer is intended to make a surface paint can “grip” it’s more of a matte finish and will show dirt/grime easier and not clean as well. And an exercise room is likely to have more dirt/grime! The room sounds awesome!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, fine! LOL I know, I should paint it. I guess I’m just *done* with the whole thing at this point. I went to buy dumbbells at Walmart this morning and of course they didn’t have the right weights. They always have them in stock, but not today!

    2. Reba*

      On first read I got “…installed my battle rope and wept.”
      I was like, wow, The Other Dawn really has strong feelings about the gym :)

      it sounds fantastic and I hope you get lots of satisfaction out of it!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Well, I wanted to weep while I was installing it! The plate that goes on the wall is a little too wide and the stud in the corner a little too narrow, so the holes didn’t hit a stud. Then when I got it positioned on another stud, the drill bit didn’t want to penetrate the wood. (Worked for my husband, of course!) Turns out I was supposed to let the drill do the work for me. So I got the holes drilled, then the drill battery died. Then I got the lag bolts halfway in and the second drill battery died. Got a third battery and finally got the bolts in, which was much harder than it should have been. But I finally got it installed, including the rack to hang it on.

  87. PhyllisB*

    Haven’t read all the comments so don’t know if there’s a movie thread, but if you like Christian movies, I took my mother to see Overcomer yesterday, and it was great!! I don’t normally cry in movies, but I cried my makeup off this time!! All ages will like this one.
    While I’m on the topic of movies with family values, if you have never seen the movie Mom’s Night Out, it’s worth looking for. I put on a Ladies Night Out at our church a few years ago and showed that. It’s hysterical. I don’t think I have laughed so much in years.

  88. AnonND*

    Hi all, I think my boyfriend drinks too much. He’s not drunk, doesn’t drink in the morning, etc. but he uses a cocktail, or 3, to relax at night. It’s like he doesn’t know how to relax naturally so needs to chemically relax. Or like he’s an adult and therefore he’s entitled to have cocktails every day. I don’t drink at all really, I just hate the taste, so I need outside opinions on what is too much. We took a vacation recently, and like always, he brings vodka along. He pretty much drinks only vodka since he’s celiac and can’t drink beer. He brought along an un-opened 750 ml bottle of vodka which is about 25 ounces I think. He drink nearly all of it in 3 nights. That’s about 6 oz of vodka, mixed with juice or soda, each night. So, what do you think: too much? Thanks for your insight.

    1. Redhead in NY*

      Yes that’s a bit much. I always think hard liquor is worse than beer or wine, but not sure why. I like to have a glass of wine and wish I could have one every night but I even feel weird if I start doing that (plus maybe 2-3 on Friday or Saturday evening).

      There was an article published recently and I believe it said that more than 7 drinks/week for women and more than 10 for men was hazardous to health. I wish I could remember the source or where I found it (not even sure how credible it is!). But in general, I think it’s a good rule of thumb to stick by – perhaps a couple during the week and a bit more on the weekend.

      Truly I think it’s about moderation and never “needing” it. Have you ever had a discussion with him about it? I would more so come from a place of concern and him creating a bad habit that’s hazardous to his health vs something that bothers you and making him try to quit. When I met my husband, he had a pantry of shitty foods like starburst, doritos, and oreos. When we started getting serious, I had convos with him about switching to more healthy eating lifestyle because I wanted to grow old with someone who was healthy and kickin it at 70 vs having a lot of heart problems or other issues due to a shit diet. He gave up soda (switched to Topo Chico), barely eats chips/shit food, and mostly does veggies/salads/organic meats with a few fun meals during the week. We are both avid exercisers so the exercising part was never an issue, just his unhealthy eating.

    2. Laura H.*

      Well 6 oz is about 4 servings of vodka (1.5 oz each- or 6 1 oz servings).

      I’m a lightweight/ don’t drink regularly and when I do, it’s a hard limit of one drink,(Cider, wine, whatever) so I think it’s a lot in one sitting.

      But again, I don’t drink much so my perception is admittedly skewed.

    3. Oldster*

      The fact that you state he always brings vodka with him is very troubling. While I understand that he has celiac he could drink almost any hard liquor. Having a problem is not defined by appearing drunk or the time of day. The fact it’s multiple drinks every day and he makes sure he has a specific liquor is troubling. But as long as he feels there is no issue and there are consequences from the drinking it won’t change. You have to decide for yourself what kind life you want.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I’d note that in a different consumption pattern, having a specific liquor that’s the only thing you drink alcohol-wise is not a red flag. People with a lot of food allergies/sensitivities often have really short “safe lists” of what they’ll consume for “optional treat foods” based on what they haven’t gotten sick eating before, particularly on vacation since no one wants to be sick on vacation. If a different person made sure to pack their “safe” alcohol for a trip, and then had maybe one drink a night or every other night with it, I wouldn’t see that as a red flag. However, always needing alcohol with you is a reg flag, so context matters. (For a non-alcohol example, I always carry around one of the safe kinds of protein bars for myself in case I can’t eat anything at a group lunch, but I don’t worry about always having a safe kind of cookie handy when I’m out since I can just not eat cookies. If he’s got alcohol in the “always on hand” category rather than the “well, I can just skip it if they don’t have one I can have” category, that’s a problem even though I totally do keep safe cookies for myself in a cupboard at home.)

        However, going through a whole bottle of hard liquor in a long weekend is pretty concerning. The only time I’ve gone through a whole bottle of liquor in a weekend was at a convention where (a) I was definitely stressed out and drinking too much and (b) I took the partially-full bottle with me to the Dead Dog party and shared it around with the ops staff on the last night of the convention, so I had plenty of help in finishing it off. (It was one of those conventions where everything was falling apart behind the scenes so everyone on staff and concom was pretty fried by the end of it.)

        1. Dan*

          As far as the whole bottle goes, OP says they were on vacation. IMHO, he gets a bit of a pass for that.

          What’s more important is the frequency. *Must* he have at least one drink *every* night? And if it’s not available does his mood change? Start there and see what happens. If the answers are yes, yes, and yes, it’s time for a conversation, even if that “yes, yes, and yes” only applies to a single glass of wine every night.

          1. Annabelle bannabelle*

            I think this is good advice. My husband and I sort of just fell into the habit of 2 glasses of wine each per night and all of a sudden we realized we were going through 6-7 bottles a week. I don’t feel like we had a “problem with alcohol”
            but I definitely was like wait a minute, that’s a lot of wine!

            For us, it was just a bad habit. I just started buying less wine for the week and when it was gone, it was gone. I also switched to drinking seltzer and whaddya know, I go through 2-3 of those a night. I just apparently like drinking *something,* doesn’t have to be alcoholic.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Yep, I went through this phase too! It can be just a bad habit or tipping over into something worse or an active drinking problem.

      2. Dan*

        I don’t think the specific liquor is troubling. We somehow made “a glass of wine with dinner every night” socially acceptable, and that’s also a specific type of alcohol.

        From where I sit, the “every day” thing is what concerns me the most. The rest (amount, type) is just a distraction.

    4. HannahS*

      Yeah, I think so. I’m a non-drinker, so any amount seems like a lot to me, but he’s above the recommendations for low-risk drinking in Canada (not more than 15 drinks a week for men, not more than 4 drinks at a time) and, more importantly, it seems like it’s become a default mode for him. If he can’t relax without chemical help on a daily basis, he either needs to talk to a counselor or a physician (or both).

    5. Dan*

      I got into a similar discussion on this topic a few weeks ago on this board, where I suggested the “must have a glass of wine with dinner every night” crowd had a bit more of an alcohol dependency than most people want to admit. That didn’t go over so well.

      Having a discussion in a casual setting (such as this) about the amount of alcohol consumed and trying to determine if a problem exists is a bit tough IMHO. I’m a big guy and can put down two glasses of wine and hop in a car and drive, no sweat. But I also dated a mid-30’s woman who was passed out drunk with 3 glasses of wine.

      That aside, polishing off two bottles of vodka per week is a lot of friggin’ vodka. If he “must” have it, then I’d start looking into dependency issues. And quite frankly, if one is in the “must have a drink every night” camp, that gets me more concerned period, regardless of the number of drinks.

      Although, I’d cut him some slack for being on vacation. Unless his behavior was problematic, I’m not going to look sideways at someone who drank a bit more on vacation. If he drank like that every night? Sheesh.

      But yeah, the fact he drinks *every* night concerns me, regardless of whether it’s wine, beer, or vodka, and regardless of it being “just” one drink.

      1. Parenthetically*

        There’s “every night” and “every night,” IMO. “Ooh yum, a margarita sounds great with these tacos/yeah I think I WILL have a beer since I just mowed the grass” kind of stuff that’s incidental or opportunistic (but you wouldn’t be sad or missing it if you hadn’t had a drink) but HAPPENS to occur pretty much every day is… fine. Even as a ritual (put the kids to bed, pour a glass of wine, snuggle up on the couch and watch a show) I don’t find it troubling. But this kind of thing where it seems like he isn’t interested in functioning without alcohol in his system after a certain time of day, EVER, could definitely be or become problematic even if it isn’t a “dependency.”

        1. Dan*

          My biggest issue with the argument “just one everyday is ok, but anything more can be problematic” is that I’m a big guy and if I’m going to drink for the purpose of feeling the intoxicating effects of alcohol, it’s probably three drinks. One glass of wine for me is the same as water in terms of its “relaxing” effects.

          So I look at that one drink that we all believe to be socially acceptable, and ask: How does one respond if they *don’t* get their daily drink? To me, that’s the only thing that matters. If it’s a “meh, who cares” then fine, carry on. But if one gets testy? Hm.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Sure, I basically agree with that, hence saying “you wouldn’t be sad or missing it if you hadn’t had a drink”.

    6. NeverNicky*

      UK guidelines for safe alcohol consumption are 14 “units” per week. One unit is 25ml of standard strength spirit so that bottle of vodka is 30 units – 15 days worth. Your boyfriend drank that in 3 days! Whether or not he has a dependency that’s still unhealthy.

    7. Goose Lavel*

      Actually more than 8oz a night over 3 days qualifies as a heavy drinker. Drinking every day is a bad sign.

      I would expect his consumption to increase over time towards 4, 5 drinks a night. His health will deteriorate and his potential cancer risk will go up. This is all bad.

      See if he can go a weekend without drinking. This will show if he needs it, which will show his level of alcoholism.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      My father drank wine every night to relax. Every. single. night. I got to wondering why he had so much upset going on and wouldn’t it be quicker to handle the upset. As the decades rolled by he added more and more. Lots and lots of beer on the weekend.

      You know as life goes along things get tougher. And life for my father got very damn tough. So he had his solution ready: another glass of wine or another beer on the weekends. Before I knew he was polishing off a good gallon plus of wine during the week and a case or more of beer on the weekend. Not coincidental I am sure, the more he drank the harder it was to reason with him. He would end up saying things that were so poorly thought out he alienated people. Lots of people. We all knew, he was a great guy when he was sober and we all knew he had a really crappy life. But knowing that was not enough to deal with the words coming out of his mouth.

      I am not saying this will happen to your BF. What I am driving at is that it’s really important to look at how people the closest to us handle stress. Stress is right up there with taxes and death and other things that are definitely going to happen.
      Perhaps you can get him interested in other ways of handling stress. Perhaps you can do this without mentioning the drinking at all or very little mention. This might not be as hard as it sounds. With couples, sometimes one person tends to follow the other person. It happens randomly that partners just adopt what their SO is doing. So maybe if YOU get interested in how to deal with stress, he might pick up the interest.

      I tend to believe that alcohol amplifies stress. So he may have a pound and a half of stress but it feels like twenty pounds of stress because of the alcohol. This is good to be aware of because you may find things that help you but do nothing for him. You might have to dig for a bit until something resonates with him.

      This is only a good idea if he is interested in change. So ymmv.

    9. AnonND*

      OP here, I did have a conversation with him a while back. It did not go well. We do not live together so I don’t know how much he drinks on an average worknight when he’s not on vacation but I’m positive he drinks every night. The times he hasn’t is when he’s been sick or on meds or something and knows he can’t/shouldn’t. I am very concerned but he can be very stubborn and will not seek medical or counseling help as far as I can see. Also annoying: he will only buy organic apples, eggs, etc because he doesn’t want to eat pesticides, etc. but drinks like this and also smokes 1-2 cigarettes a night. He has stated he will quit smoking someday, but he’s a big talker and doesn’t follow through too much so it could be yrs before he quits smoking. He has anxiety and some mild depression sometimes too, so I think he continues with the smoking and drinking as a way to make his life bearable or enjoyable or something and if he didn’t have those fun, adult activities to look forward to at the end of the day I’m not sure what his mental health will be like. If I tell him something like this much drinking could cut your life short by 2 yrs or something like that, I don’t even know if that would phase him much. We met later in life and I too want him to be around when we’re 70+ (he’s 37 now, I’m 44). But you can’t change a person so I feel stuck and very concerned for him. And he doesn’t comment on things in my life that he might be concerned about (like maybe he thinks I should eat less sugar or something) so I feel like the woman henpecking the man to change. Thanks for your comments everyone!

      1. Anon for this*

        Please check out some Al Anon resources— books, meetings, etc. I have seen this behavior before and it’s … not good. Wishing you the best, and clear-minded decisions about your future.

      2. Goose Lavel*

        Time to rethink your relationship and separate from your boyfriend. You are enabling his behavior and life will only get worse for both of you; time to save yourself.

        My son is 37 and his girlfriend is 40. She has the same lifestyle as your boyfriend and is suffering ulcers and bleeding to the point of needing multiple ER visits and hospitalizations to stay alive. She also smokes, which along with the drinking, is the worst combo for a long healthy life.

        Unfortunately my son is a complete enabler of her smoking and drinking and they have two children each from previous marriages and have lived together for 5 years now. I expect that he will be her caretaker long-term as her health will continue to fail and she will no longer be able to keep a job or support herself.

        Get out now.

      3. Dan*

        I’ve come to the conclusion that one gets to express concerns about anything once, and that’s it. It doesn’t matter what the motivation is, we’re all sentient beings who are in control of ourselves. If we want to make self destructive choices, that’s our business.

        He doesn’t say anything to you about your “faults” because 1) He likes you for who you are, 2) Everybody has faults, and 3) He doesn’t want to change you.

        Ask yourself if this is the guy you want to double down with for the next 30 years, *as he is*. None of this “I love him but” business. I read a couple of dating advice columns from time to time, and a recurring theme is that a woman writes in, leading off with “My guy is great. I love him, he’s wonderful, he’s awesome, but…” Ok two things 1) Happy people don’t write to dating advice columns, and 2) The “but” is almost always something that makes the peanut gallery say “run”.

        So, is this the guy, as he is, that you want to spend the next 30+ years with? Yes/no.

        You’re allowed to say that you don’t want a romantic relationship with a drinker, problematic or not. Full stop. But you’re in dicey territory trying to make a drinker not a drinker to suit your preferences, which I hate to say this, is pretty much what’s going on at the moment.

        The fact he got a little testy about the conversation says two things: 1) He’s territorial about his drinking, and 2) He doesn’t like tough conversations.

        This is going to be an uphill climb if you stay in this relationship. Assume you can’t change him, and see where that leads you.

        1. valentine*

          Ask yourself if this is the guy you want to double down with for the next 30 years, *as he is*.
          This is the bottom line. Another reason he may say nothing about your habits is so he can point to that as a reason why you shouldn’t question his drinking/smoking.

          I don’t see anything wrong with consuming alcohol/cigarettes while insisting on organic food. That it’s his main or only pacifier is alarming, however, and matters as much or almost as much as how much he drinks.

          https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

      4. Not So NewReader*

        Organic apples vs alcohol and cigs.
        I see this complaint a lot. I’d like to point out that people tend to do the parts they can. For example, there are plenty of non-smokers/non-drinkers who eat many candy bars a day plus organic apples etc.
        We do the parts we can do. He does on some level realize he has to do something good for himself.
        This is what most of us do. How many people go to the gym then go home and eat a big piece of cake? Probably many, many people.
        There is a throw the baby out with the bathwater component to saying, “Why the organic apples when you smoke and drink?” It’s wise to let him keep the organic apples. Not a good hill to die on, as he is actually helping himself here, although it’s not constant help.

        Cigs and alcohol: From what I have been reading cigs and alcohol ride on the same nutritional deficiencies. At one point, I found a statistic that said 30% of those who quit smoking become alcoholics. There is a psychological component to these addictions too. From what I have gathered, often times people smoke or drink because they have been taught or they believe that they are NOT lovable. Sadly, this meshes with what I have seen IRL. Again not a hill I would die on because I bet if he stops drinking those one or two cigs will probably disappear also.

        What ramps things up here is his stubbornness and his inability to talk through problems. I think alcohol exasperates this personality trait, too. And I think this is the real core of the matter. Upthread I mentioned about fragile people. People who seem very self-centered are actually struggling to survive from one minute to the next. Honestly, this sounds a bit like your guy. I dunno where he has been in life or what is going on for him now but privately he feels he is in over his head.

        I’d suggest to you that your role in his life is that of GF or SO and NOT his therapist. He has to decide there is a problem. He has to decide he wants something different.
        My best thought is what you see here is what there is to see, if you can be okay with that, then continue on. But if that is not okay with you, then perhaps you need to move on.

        1. Dan*

          “I’d suggest to you that your role in his life is that of GF or SO and NOT his therapist. He has to decide there is a problem. He has to decide he wants something different.”

          Just a small clarification on this: A therapist’s role isn’t even to tell you (unsolicited) that you have a problem. If you *think* you have a problem, they will help you identify it. Once that’s done, they will help you with the change if that’s what you want. But if one doesn’t want to change? A therapist won’t have much involvement.

    10. YetAnotherUsername*

      For context I’m from a culture where we drink more than Americans.

      Normally people think of drinking spirits as being more of a hard drinker thing than drinking beer. That’s because severe alcoholics tend to drink spirits because they can ingest more alcohol more quickly. However in this case he actually can’t drink beer. Plus he is using vodka to create cocktails which is probably bringing the percentage alcohol down to similar to beer. So for him drinking three cocktails is the same as anyone else drinking 3 beers.

      Looking purely at the units, a bottle of vodka over three nights on holidays is 10 units a day. I don’t think drinking 10 units a day on holidays is a big deal at all. That’s only the equivalent of 5 pints of beer. I wouldn’t be far off that if I was on a girl’s weekend away, and I’m a 5’2″ woman.

      For the non-holiday drinking, assuming he’s not making the cocktails really strong, I don’t think 3-5 units in an evening is particularly concerning. However what might be a concern is if he does this literally every night. 1-3 nights a week: not an alcoholic. Every single night without a break: possibly an alcoholic.

      A big risk with constant drinking is that your liver needs a couple of days in a row at least once a week with absolutely no alcohol to recover. The culture of having one glass of wine a day is actually the wrong way to do it. I saw an interview with a lady who drank small amounts like 1-2 glasses of wine, but she was doing it almost every day. One day she collapsed and it turned out she had severe liver damage. You don’t need to drink a lot to damage your liver, you just need to drink every day. Even if he’s not an alcoholic he needs to stop drinking every single day.

    11. LGC*

      Yeah…that’s a lot. A fifth of vodka in three days is actually something like 5 drinks a day – a 750 ml bottle has roughly 17 servings of alcohol in it (a 1.5 oz shot is one serving, 750 ml is about 25.4 oz). (In addition to whatever else he drank.) On one hand, he was on vacation with you, but on the other hand you said this is routine for him on vacations, and even in regular life he’ll have three or four drinks.

      Binge drinking for men is usually considered five drinks in one session of drinking. It doesn’t sound like he was getting drunk every day on your vacation, but if he was drinking steadily that might be even more worrisome.

    12. Kuododi*

      I don’t drink for medical reasons. I have facilitated addiction recovery groups for the past 10+ years. The general rule of thumb is to ask the question if the person’s alcohol consumption is negatively affecting their ability to function and manage the tasks of life (ie hold down employment, maintain positive relationships, keep the bills paid etc) then it’s time to discuss cutting back/stopping altogether. Also, it’s important to remember a person with long term alcohol dependency will need a medical evaluation and supervised detox before discussing any type of long term recovery program. For your sake, it’s going to be critical you understand you cannot “fix” his substance concerns. I wish you the absolute best life can offer. Blessings

  89. Jaid*

    I made sambal (chili condiment), which requires toasted shrimp paste.

    Um, I think I’ll look for it at the grocery next time…my apartment stinks!

    1. university minion*

      Bummer! Last year when hurricane Michael knocked out electricity for over a week, my friends pulled everything that didn’t need to stay cold out of their fridge and put it on their stove (makeshift counter space, I guess). At some point during the week, the stove knob got bumped and when the power came on, it promptly melted the bottom of a bottle of fish sauce. I’m pretty sure that smell is still lingering somewhere. tl;dr: I feel your pain.

  90. HannahS*

    Give me your winter boot recommendations! I need a new pair of winter boots, suitable for long walks outside in a wet, snowy, icy climate. I’m willing to pay for quality; I’m looking for a pair that will last for at least 3 years and preferably more like 5. I’ve decided that this will be the year that Hannah forces herself to spend part of every weekend outside, inclement weather be damned. I live in a place with many hiking trails, and this may be the last year that I live here, and I mean to enjoy it!

    1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      They’re not snow boots, but I’ve been very happy with my Asolo hiking boots. I have the 520 GV Evos, which are waterproof and resolable. I wear them every day, and they last around 2 years before resoling that way and then you get a couple more years out of them. The soles do start making weird squeaking noises after a year or so sometimes, though.

      They’re fine for light snow (they’re ankle-height hiking boots, so a little shorter than snow boots), but you’d probably want to wear gaiters over them if you were in a situation with more than about 6 inches of snow due to the boot height. (Also, if you plan on hiking in the mud, gaiters are a wonderful product to own regardless of boots or snow, since they keep mud off your pants and you can take them off in the parking lot before getting into your car in a way that isn’t socially acceptable with pants. My dad wears them to play golf in the rainy season too.)

      For ice, you’d want some kind of traction device to put over them. I have ICETrekkers, and I’ve been very happy with them for walking around town on days when there is soggy snow and ice on the ground. They come on and off easily enough to take them off without a bench if I’m going into a store, but I haven’t had trouble keeping them on while actually walking. I haven’t tried going on an actual hike with them in icy conditions, but they’ve been great for 1-2 mile walks on unshoveled sidewalks/unplowed streets.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m in Canada and I wear Riekers. I spent about $130 CAD on mine and I’ve been wearing them (with a few alternate pairs) for probably 4-5 years now. Mine are tall and zip up and I love them.

    3. Reba*

      I have a pair of Sorel duck boot style that are fleece lined — looks most similar to the current “Slimpack” style. I have terrible circulation and these actually do keep me pretty warm. If I were buying now, I’d get a similar pair but without the old-fashioned heel. I’ve replaced the laces but otherwise they seem just the same as they were when bought a few years ago.

      I also have waterproof hiking boots from Oboz — these are excellent, but note that they are heavy and pretty rigid. I wear with 2 pairs of socks in winter, but they also offer insulated versions. They are probably best suited for wide feet. I sized up for length. I have a narrow heel and wider toebox, and I “lock in” the laces. They are about 5 years old now and going strong.

      Finally, I have a pair of the Cole Haan hiker style boots. Super lightweight, cushy, decently warm. They are my “dressy” winter boots or urban walking boots. Good for narrow to medium width. Haven’t worn these long term, but my CH dress shoes seem to be great quality so hoping for the same.

      I love winter hikes!!!! You’ll see new things in familiar places, and much less competition for trail space :)

      Other things that help me with this (I am really grouchy when too cold so I like to be very equipped) are a neck gaiter and glove liners so you can layer the glove situation, and hiking poles for slippery surfaces.

    4. BRR*

      I have a pair from columbia that have been great. Before that I had a pair of bogs that I put through hell and back and were great.

    5. heckofabecca*

      I’ve had a pair of Kamik boots that I’ve definitely had for at least 5, if not 10 years… Can’t remember when the heck I got them! I live in New England, I do a lot of walking, and the boots I have are both comfortable and warm. I have a pair of insulated lace-up boots, not particularly good-looking imo but extremely durable. The ones I have have a removable liner. Looking at what they have for sale now, they’ve got plenty that look nice AND warm.

      1. Ms D'Arcy*

        I have had great luck with Columbia boots.
        I live in New England and walk my dog in the woods in all kinds of weather. I look for “Bug” in the name, ie Bugalicious, Bugaboot.

    6. Gatomon*

      Look for not only waterpoof boots, but insulated boots. The insulation will make it much more feasible to spend a long time outdoors. I have some men’s Timberlands that are waterproof and insulated, and have tested them through 2+ hour hikes in snowstorms, slush and subzero temps and have always been very comfortable. This will be my 3rd year with them. They don’t look pristine anymore, but I think I can squeeze another year or two out of them, which is perfect for my price point. I found a good deal on them on Amazon about this time of year IIRC.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Oh yes. I have a pair of 800 gram thinsulate boots that I wore every day to work (refrigerated facility), on my feet all day, and they were SUPER warm and great. Mine were from Field and Stream brand, but I mostly got them because they were on sale and comfortable on my feet. There were a number of options at the boot store that I tried on but were not quite right. My feet are annoyingly picky. I LOVED the Carolina brand pillow sole, but the shape of the bed wasn’t right, so I didn’t get them.

        800 grams of thinsulate is a LOT of warmth though. I would get something cooler, maybe 200 to 400 g, if I was going to be exercising in them.

        The wonderful thing about insulated boots is not only are they warm, they have a nice thick sole to keep your feet off the cold ground.

        I prefer men’s styles for warm boots. They are slightly wider, which means you have more room for thick socks. And definitely make sure you have good socks, wool for preference.

        If there is a boot store near you, go try on shoes! The place I went had a decent selection even though it was the wrong season. Just bring the right socks.

    7. tamarack & fireweed*

      Hiking boots and winter boots are two different things for me (I’m in Alaska). For moderately cold weather hiking, Look for well-made boots with good soles that are pulled up around the edge (to protect the leather from slush) and some amount of insulation like Thinsulate. I’ve made good experience with Scarpa (good quality, less insulation), Merrell (more insulation).

      For winter boots that you can walk in, Baffin is pretty good, and they have a whole range of boots down to -50 degrees. But I personally find them too clunky and not supportive enough to go on hikes. But I don’t hike in real winter without snowshoes anyway. My own winter boot preferences are Steger mukluks or Norwegian Lobbens — an additional boiled wool insole and they keep you toasty warm.

  91. MOAS*

    It’s silly but one of the things I loved to do was cook. and of course take pictures and stuff. Since I’ve been working full time I’ve not done much cooking. The times when I did have the kitchen to myself, it was during tax season at work so I barely did anything. well now i”ll be having access to a kitchen again and I’m excited ot try out new recipes, get back into being creative

    1. Reba*

      Yay! This is a great time of year to enjoy cooking — tomatoes are still really good and we are starting to see the fall veggies too.

      What’s on the list?

      I’m making a nectarine upside down cake for a party tomorrow. And for dinner, baked orzo with tomatoes and greens.

      1. MOAS*

        Mostly work friendly meals, I save seafood and steak for the weekends so I can eat them fresh. I’ve been saving lots of pix from Instagram and Facebook so can’t wait to try them.

        Also, off topic but seeing your name—I’ve been watching Reba on Hulu! I watched the first few seasons when it first came out, but oh my goodness I have LOLd so many times watching it!

      2. MOAS*

        Baked orzo sounds amazing! I’m Focusing on low carb recipes but a treat once in a while will be nice. I used to make a fresh cream cake with fruit on it that my husband. Loved.

  92. AvonLady Barksdale*

    At my partner’s request, I just made a giant fruitcake. I now have a ton of leftover crystallized ginger and I’m curious if anyone has any savory suggestions for using it. I know I can do cookies and cocktails and all that, but what about using it in mains?

    1. Alexandra Lynch*

      I’ve chopped it up and thrown it in stirfries before. Is tasty.

      Of course, I like to eat it straight. Cause I’m weird like that.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I keep it in the house for cold season. Eat a piece when you’re stuffy. It’s great for clearing out the sinuses.

      2. fposte*

        Eating it straight is my favorite too–hovering on that wonderful border of “Ooh, too much bite, but I’ll need another one, please.” I do see suggestions about using it with squash-based dishes, like over roasted squash or in pumpkin soup, which both sound delicious. I bet it would be great with sweet potatoes, too.

    2. HannahS*

      I think you could use it to replace un-crystallized ginger in any recipe that’s salty/sweet, or spicy/sweet. So, for example, you could make a marinade or sauce with soy sauce, garlic, grated candied ginger, some vinegar, some black pepper or chili pepper, and use it on chicken, fish, tofu, stir-fried veggies, etc. I bet it’d punch up a fruit salad, too, or replace dried cranberries in a spinach or kale salad. How about spinach salad with apples, candied ginger, salted almonds, and a simple vinaigrette? Maybe reduce the sugar in the dressing a bit, because the apples and ginger will both be sweetened already. You could also put slices of it in black tea, either iced, or hot with milk. You could also use a small amount in a carrot or sweet potato soup, but too much and it might get too sweet.

    3. Not A Manager*

      In my experience, it lasts forever. You can keep it in the cupboard or in the freezer for the next time you make fruitcake. I agree with others that you can really only use it in savory recipes that tolerate sweetness. I could see it with duck, for example.

      I personally like to nibble crystalized ginger after a meal, and I also chop some up into hot lemonade.

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Gingered Gingerbread, https://www.deliciousliving.com/recipe/gingered-gingerbread/, is a delicious Christmas essential at my house that we really should make more often. It’s sweetish, but more quick-bread sweet than cake sweet and you could probably reduce the sugar a bit. We eat it topped with lemon curd. It’s not a main, but not a dessert either. Would be an amazing breakfast.

      If you have leftover sugar drips from crystallizing ginger, it is great used to sweeten tea, especially if it’s Christmas and there is leftover cream to add.

  93. Dancing Otter*

    Ginger is good for upset stomachs. I would keep some on hand all the time for that reason alone, except that I tend to eat it just for the taste, so it doesn’t stick around.
    Try using it with pork. You might like an orange-ginger marinade, cooked down to a sauce for serving with the meat. (I sometimes add raisins, too.) Yummy!
    Now, I want to go buy more groceries, so I can make that for dinner myself….

    1. Dancing Otter*

      Nesting fail. That was supposed to be a reply to AvonLady Barksdale, about uses for crystallized ginger.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Ooh. I used to make a super simple basting sauce for pork and lamb out of equal quantities smooth dijon mustard and apricot jam or orange marmalade. I’ll bet you could add chopped crystalized ginger to something like that.

  94. Shiny carvanha*

    So I’ve heard before that “quite” means different things in British and American English, but I’ve never noticed it in the wild before. Then I was wondering why Alison was recommending this book when she didn’t enjoy it all that much. But this is a great demonstration of the different definitions.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Married to an Australian and now thing of “quite” as a diminishing modifier rather than an amplifying modifier and I had that exact thought. Ha!

    3. Bewildered lately*

      I know! I once told a British friend she looked ‘quite pretty’. She was pretty insulted!

  95. Just Emily*

    Anyone have a new baby recently? My friend just had her 3rd and I want to drop off a present and sibling presents.

    I have the oldest covered-she’s my kid’s friend. I need a small sibling gift for a 3 y/o boy and ideas for a new baby boy (but 3rd child and 2nd boy). Was thinking maybe a water wow book for the 3 y/o? When I had my 3rd (a girl) I liked fancy outfits. It was my second girl and 3rd kid so I already had everything I really needed.

  96. Shay*

    I’m laid up in bed today do to chronic pain.
    I had a great day yesterday, selling at an arts fare where someone bought me a lemonade and fries because they noticed I fell, just a bit. Well, fainted, but it was a very small faint and I played it off like I fell. Still, wonderful people. So understanding that I didn’t want to be a bother.
    I have the joy (and I’m not being sarcastic) of going through all the data I got about our sales. I find it very interesting but don’t know what is useful or actionable.
    Sorry, that might be for the work open thread.
    Hrumph. Anyway, I’ve used my tens unit, had some tea, taken my medication, and I’m still in too much pain. :(

  97. Victoria, Please*

    Late in the weekend but hopefully someone will see. Anyone got brand recommendations for high quality shapewear, underwear, etc.? I’m tired of buying cheapo crap that loses seams the first time it gets washed.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I second spanx. It’s expensive but it lasts so to me it’s worth it. I have a pair of the tights and I wear them probably two-three times a week in the winter.

  98. Ginger Sheep*

    So, weird question and maybe a little late to the thread, but : catnip? I’ve had four cats in my life – the fourth is a 5-months old I just adopted last week! – and none of them have ever been interested in the least by catnip. Nothing. Totally ignored the stuff. So is the “cats drugged out on catnip” trope just a myth? Is it a geographic thing – my cats were all european-born? Have any of you ever seen a cat actuelly react to the stuff?
    And, on a side tangent, how about olives? I’ve had a cat, and known a couple of others, who would go raving mad for green olives, and even more for anything made out of olive wood… He chewed off all the wooden buttons of my new coat in a single night – made wood chips out of them – before I had the time to even realise they were made of olive wood!

    1. Lena Clare*

      My cats only showed an interest in catnip when they were older, no idea why.
      They’re both European cats lol – born in the same street I was born in actually!

      It may be that your cats don’t like catnip, or it may be you have to wait till they’re older… It’s not a universal thing anyway.

      I don’t know about olives, but my cats go mad for jam or honey. It’s weird, I’ve always heard cats are not meant to be able to taste sweet things, but they sure do like it in my house.

      Anyway, who knows why cats do anything though right?

    2. Gatomon*

      My old cat did the classic spastic-thing on catnip. My current cat likes it, but he mostly just eats it and gets a little twitchy, then he gets really mellow. I think it is because he eats it, but I’m not totally sure.

      Olives I’ve never run into, but I don’t like olives so I don’t have any. My cat’s weird food obsession is peas!

    3. Bagpuss*

      It varies. But it isn’t a myth.
      My late cat, Tybalt, loved it when a friend of mine made him a catnip – stuffed quilt, and current cat loves it, too – I have the stuff you can spray, and he loves it . But have met other cats who aren’t interested.

      I will add a link to youtube video of Tybalt and his quilt in a reply to this comment.

    4. anon24*

      My boy cat loves catnip. Rolls in it, eats it, snorts it (yes really). He’s hilarious, he gets super aggressive/protective of it at first and will swing and snap at you if you threaten to take the catnip or stick a toy nearby and go “oh no, birdie is going to eat all the catnip!”. Then he just gets weird and wild and eventually calms down into a nice stoned state. We have to supervise my little girl because she gets super uncoordinated and will walk into things and roll around and fall off of her cat tower because she’s so high she doesn’t realize that rolling around while on top of a 6 foot tower is a bad idea. Then she naps for awhile. My cats are both US cats.

      I don’t know if mine have been exposed to olives yet.

    5. Bagpuss*

      I haven’t seen mine go nuts for olives, but we used to have one who adored cucumber – he would steal, and eat, an entire cucumber, in preference to fresh meat.
      Tybalt used to like chillis, and Loki, my current cat, is not particularly food oriented at all, but loves pesto, and also my home-made spaghetti sauce (he seems to enjoy it just as much when it is wholly vegetarian as when it has a bit of ground beef in. )

    6. Jaid*

      My cat will go for cheese, lick bread/bread crumbs, goes crazy for ice cream, and yes. Yes, she loves her catnip.

      But she also licks the window screen, so what the ever loving heck, even.

    7. Goldfinch*

      Generally cats younger than six months don’t react to catnip, though there can be exceptions. Also, about 1/3 of cats don’t react to it at all. It’s genetic, much like how some humans taste cilantro as soapy.

      There are some alternative plants that you can try, if you want. Silvervine and Tatarian honeysuckle produce responses in catnip-ignoring cats about 75% of the time and 33% of the time, respectively.

      If you’d like to see one of the more commonly-referenced studies, look up “Responsiveness of cats (Felidae) to silver vine (Actinidia polygama), Tatarian honeysuckle (Lonicera tatarica), valerian (Valeriana officinalis) and catnip (Nepeta cataria).”

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Pig never cared about it much. Her favorite stuffed ball had catnip in it, and she played with it a lot more than any of the other toys I gave her (until she lost it), but I think she was more interested in the little flappy strips hanging off it than the actual nip.

    9. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I can’t point to proof, but I was told the catnip thing was genetic. Have had six cats, none of them cared. But a cat my parents had would go wild for it.

    10. Invisible Fish*

      Some cats literally do not respond to cat nip – it appears to be a genetic thing, like how some folks can smell the ‘almond’ scent that indicates cyanide and others don’t notice it. Cats under about 9-10 months old aren’t going to notice it; they generally need to be fully grown. And for those cats who DO notice it? Oh, yeah, every comedy cliche is real, in addition to them getting hostile and not wanting to ‘share’ whatever has catnip on it. I can’t speak to cats from one part of the world vs. another when it comes to susceptibility to cat nip, but here with my 5 made-in-Texas cats, when the cat nip comes out, the party starts.

      1. Cat-Astrophe*

        I had two litter mates who responded differently. One was classic comedy stoned, but her sister was a “mean drunk“ and would get growly and snarl.

  99. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone taken Amtrak’s Acela train before?

    I just booked a business trip from CT to DC in October and this is only the second time I’m taking Amtrak. (The first was from PA to CA, probably 15 years ago.)

    Any tips? Did you like it? Not like it? I like that they have a quiet car, though my cousin says people can get really uptight about ANY noise at all in that car. She said she’s seen people get upset because someone whispered to their companion, so we’re not even talking about someone taking a call when they shouldn’t.

    1. Poppy*

      I take it regularly and it’s fine
      It’s not (in my opinion) generally worth the added expense unless you’re going all the way to CT.
      All Amtrak trains have a quiet car but the Acela people are generally more uptight.

      Honestly though, the train as a rule is pretty quiet so I wouldn’t worry too much. If you’re in an empty section you can take calls etc but beyond that I would keep them brief
      The WiFi is terrible but the outlets work.
      Prices on Amtrak are highway (or railway) robbery just like the airport. Bring your own water and snacks
      Beyond that it’s a nice ride from CT -> DC and back so enjoy it!

    2. Cheese and wine*

      I take another Amtrak train to DC and LOVE it. I’m also a huge fan of the quiet car and will point out there are plenty of other cars if you want to chat to your neighbor or on the phone. You can even start in the quiet car and move to another car if you want to talk.

      Generally, I put on my headphones and zone out but I’m continually surprised by those who see the quiet car as, “quiet except for me.” On my last trip, the conductor was fetched for multiple people who were taking phone calls or having conversations.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I forgot to ask: my main concern is where to put the luggage. I vaguely remember my trip to CA, and I think the baggage was checked. Kind of like on a plane, where you don’t see it until you disembark. There’s no checked baggage, so where does it go? Does it go above my seat? We’ll probably have one large bag, one carry on size and probably several personal items.

      1. BRR*

        I can’t remember if there’s a rack above your seat but there are spaces for luggage at the front and back of each car. Leg room is much better than a plane so there’s room for your personal items no problem.

      2. Poppy*

        There are racks above the seats, and much more space than on a plane
        But! Other than the mercy of other passengers there is not much help with your bags. Most CT stations don’t require you to use stairs to board the train but leaving DC you’ll need to walk up a tiny but steep flight with your luggage. Pack accordingly

        However, double check the number of bags you are bringing with the number you’re allowed. Trains get crowded around NYC and the conductors are pretty firm about the number of items you’ve brought in relation to the number permitted. The first two bags sound ok but it’s the several personal items that raised my eyebrow.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I just meant my purse and maybe a small bag for snacks and things to do, really. Nothing bigger than that. I think the website said two bags and two personal items.

    4. 653-CXK*

      I took it from Boston (actually Route 128) to Washington DC with my mother (we went to see my uncle in northern VA) nine years ago and on the whole the Acela was a great ride.

      Pros:
      1. Speed. We left Route 128 around 6:30 and got to Washington about 12:45 – 6 hours and 15 minutes.
      2. The outlets were there and recharged things pretty quickly.
      3. The quiet car is a godsend. The conductors were pretty good in telling people to be quiet.
      4. Free newspapers (IIRC USA Today) and sodas.

      Cons:
      1. Price: $304 round trip on the Acela (in 2010 dollars – $80 for first class)
      2. The food is expensive – better to bring your own.
      3. Wifi is alright, but they blocked sites that had a lot of bandwidth.

      1. 653-CXK*

        Eeks…

        Speed. We left Route 128 around 6:30am and got to Washington about 1:05pm – 6 hours and 35 minutes.

        Price: $304 round trip on the Acela (in 2010 dollars – in 2019 it’s between $376-442, with First Class being $600 (!) round trip – it was actually $150 additional for first class, not $80)

    5. Mimmy*

      I’ve taken the Acela from New Jersey to Boston a few times. It was always a smooth ride, though I think there was one time the ride took twice as long as normal – I don’t remember why…weather maybe?

      You asked in a reply about your luggage – I honestly don’t remember where I kept my luggage. Now that’s going to bug me lol.

  100. Elizabeth West*

    This week:
    I gave blood on Tuesday and then stupidly painted my entire living room on Wednesday (with primer, just to make it look cleaner, as the plaster walls were pretty marked up). Then I went for a walk on Thursday, but alas, that was too much too fast. Only made it one lap around the neighborhood instead of two and ended up spending Friday on the sofa feeling pretty punk. On top of that, I didn’t sleep well Friday night since my bad shoulder is acting up, and I had to get up early. But I slept in a little today and I feel a lot better.

    So today is about cleaning, although I’m going in small spurts due to my arm. It’s sunny, perfect for hanging the sheets out, and they came back in smelling so gooooood. That’s the only thing I’m going to miss about this house —having a clothesline. Okay, maybe the giant spring crop of violets, too, but I have pictures of those.

    Also, Dog Lady’s parrot, known as Skittles, has flown the coop and for the last couple of hours has been happily screeching from various trees around the property. He was in the yard behind me; now he’s back in the tree in their backyard. I poked a slice of apple over the fence to her. We’ll see if that lures him back. I’m a little worried he’ll land on the transformer and end up like fried chicken.

    The label on the rag rug in my bedroom says it is washable; let’s see if that’s true. o_o It says dry flat — I think it can go outside and be flopped lengthwise over the double clothesline. The sun will dry it lickety-split. Now if only Skittles doesn’t take a shit on it.

    1. Zona the Great*

      Oh I wash the hell outta my rag rugs and hang them out just as you describe. I can also just let them dry on my tile floor. I have no advice for shitting Skittles, however.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        LOL it’s quiet now and the garage door is shut. I think the apple might have done the trick!

        The rug survived the laundering, but my comforter did not. >:( Although I followed the instructions on the tag, it has matted in one corner and the seersucker pleats have gone out of the center. Grrrr.

  101. Anon For This*

    Weird question. Sensitive topic. I’m throwing this out there in case anyone is still reading. You know when someone gives you the creeps? When you have a really horrible feeling about them? And it’s worse than what hard evidence would point to? For example, you know they’ve done some bad things, but you just sense something much, much worse?

    Ever gotten that about a family member? If so, what did you do? Or what would you do? Anything other than standard stuff like avoiding them and not trusting them as much?

    I’ve been getting that about two family members in particular. I’m trying to decide what to do. Both have done some really bad things, including to me, but not recently – that I’m aware of.

    1. Reba*

      That sounds tough. Do you have another family member or friend who knows the people — or even who doesnt — that you trust? Could you float your concerns with them just to see if anyone else is picking up something?

      1. valentine*

        Cut them off. There’s no statute of limitations.

        I’m not sure if you’re wondering whether to warn others. Freeing yourself is a lot, enough, sometimes all you can do, and not worth risking, especially the way people go wild to preserve family. You don’t need anyone trying to prove you wrong or forcing you to interact with the offenders. (If it is something like child abuse and they have access to children, you’d still be risking your own well-being with no guarantee of sparing anyone.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’d distance myself from these people.
      But I think that the really bad things that they have actually done stands alone to make me distance myself. The creepy feeling is just a warning for what you already know.

      In my opinion, it’s not worth all the work it takes to sort this stuff. There are plenty of good and kind people out there who are looking for a good, kind person like you to hang out with.

      BTW, this is how we develop our intuition, by paying attention and following through. Now what you have here is not intuition alone. You have first hand knowledge and you have no proof that they have changed for the better. Distance yourself and at bare minimum do not allow yourself to be alone with these people.

      My intuition has gotten stronger and stronger because of paying attention to it more and more. Recently there were two people who crossed life paths with me. In both cases I saw a red flag go up in my mind’s eye. I had no real basis to feel uncomfortable so this was unsettling for me. I paid attention. I avoided these two people and their overtures for friendship. It took a while but in both instances I found out I made the right choice. While these people are not horrible, one is weird and the other has habits that I don’t do. So my gut feeling worked well to keep me out of these situations.

      Optionally, you can use a plan where you distance yourself now and hold the door ajar so that if things change dramatically you can rejoin these two folks.

  102. Anon Librarian*

    Night vision while driving! I’ve had friends who developed issues with this and now it seems to be me. It’s hard to describe. When I’m driving on the highway at night, something about the speed and the contrast between the light and dark messes with my . . . depth perception? Or ability to distinguish shapes and react fast enough? I have to drive slowly with my blinkers on, especially if the highway is narrow and/or windy. Cataracts run in my family. I’m 40. Could that be the cause or is this usually something else?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I don’t have cataracts but I have the same issue. I can drive really well and fluently during the day, including on the freeway. I can drive pretty well at night on local roads with a lot of visual cues such as buildings and parked cars. I don’t even need the street to be really well-lit, so long as I have those distinguishing shapes.

      I can no longer drive on the freeway at night, and I don’t even try. It was getting worse and worse for me over time, and then one night I was driving on an unfamiliar freeway, with a lot of fast traffic, trying to follow the lanes/signs at a junction, and I just had a panic attack. Cold sweats, hyperventilating, heart pounding. I managed to get myself off the freeway and on to surface streets, and I haven’t driven on the freeway at night since then.

      The issue is exactly what you described – some kind of issue with depth perception/understanding my speed and other people’s, an inability to make out shapes in a timely way. Sadly, I’m finding a bit of this issue now even when it’s very overcast or rainy. I foresee a time when I won’t be able to drive on the freeway in any kind of weather.

      1. valentine*

        drive slowly with my blinkers on
        You might want to see your local law about this.

        If stronger glasses don’t make a difference, stop driving after dark, book an exam, and discuss it with the doctor.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Fatigue will dull your nighttime vision in a big way. IF you are tired you can lose your ability to pick out things that are ahead of you. It’s like it’s too dark or something. I got so tired, I used to ask myself “Are my eyes even open?”

      Several suggestions.
      Find an alternate route where you do not have to drive with your blinkers on.
      Get more rest and make sure you hydrate properly. Dehydration can really mess with vision. I cannot say this strongly enough. Drink water. It works pretty fast, at least for me. I can have an extra drink of water just before driving at night and I do better.
      Get the headlights on your car aimed correctly. A shop can do this for you or you may have a friend who can help.
      Add fog lights to the front of your car. I LOOOVED this one. I could see again! I had to have them on a separate switch because they were added on. But I just made it a habit to turn them on before I turned onto the dark roads. Again make sure whoever installs your fogs aims them for you. They should kick out to the shoulders of the road.

      Cataracts. I get checked every time I have an eye exam. I had to get new glasses so they just checked for cataracts and a few other things. My family member said cataracts gave her a starburst effect when she looked at lights at night. For your own health it would be good to have your eyes checked if you have not done it in a while. I am doubtful that it is cataracts because you would not just have problems with night time driving if cataracts were the problem.

    3. WellRed*

      I don’t know about cataracts but people can and do lose the ability to see at night. I’m 49, and it’s really gotten bad in the last 2 or 3 years. You should see an eye doctor, in case theres an underlying reason, but there may not be and there’s nothing to be done for it. And yes, it’s hard to describe it for other people, but I know just what you mean.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I realize this is late, but when I started having issues with light, it turned out that my astigmatism had gotten worse. This is definitely worth a visit to the eye doctor. I’m 41– I thought I was “just getting old”, but it turned out that my vision was just continuing to change. I also recently had a vision issue related to allergies which resolved relatively quickly. Either way, see your eye doctor. Even if you have never worn glasses your whole life, it may just be something that requires correction.

    7. Anon Librarian*

      Thank you all! This is helpful.

      For those concerned, I haven’t done anything dangerous or illegal. I put my blinkers on when I drive just under the speed limit on the highway at night because so many people speed; it’s so the truckers have time to change lanes or slow down.

      I’m going to see the eye doctor ASAP! The bad news is that I’m uninsured right now. The good news is that I just moved to a city where I don’t need to drive as much. Especially on the highway. I’m going to actively avoid this situation until I find out what’s going on.

  103. Eloise*

    I’ve got a question for the masses. I am job hunting and am currently in what I believe to be a good position for a really great, aspirational (I’ll avoid the term “dream job,” but yeah, it’s a dream job) job that I’ve gone through several rounds of interviews for, including one with the CEO. They are currently checking my references.

    At the same time, I began interviewing for an internal job at my current company. It was with great people but a lateral move at best, and as the interviews progressed, I realized that I would probably do some cool work there, but not really advance in my career. It was also funded by a grant that will likely run out in two years. I was offered that job, asked for time to consider it so that I could stall a bit while waiting for Aspirational Job (and let Aspirational Job know they were my top choice but I had a competing internal offer).

    But Aspirational Job needs more time, and I ran out of time with Internal Job and turned them down today. I feel like I maybe cursed myself, and I’m looking for anyone who’s been through something similar to tell me that it will turn out ok! Did I do the right thing for myself? (I should add that while I’m currently gainfully employed with current company, I just came out of a terrible situation with a toxic boss there and am desperate to leave the company, but masking it all while trying to do competent work in a boring job until I can.)

    1. Close Bracket*

      However it turns out, you will make it ok. Somehow.

      If you has asked for advice *before* the internal job offer expired, I would have said just take it and figure out what you want with aspirational job when and if it comes through. Just something to consider for the future.

      1. Eloise*

        Thanks. I was desperately afraid of burning a bridge by taking a job that really wanted me, then bailing.

Comments are closed.