weekend free-for-all – October 26-27, 2019

by Alison Green on October 26, 2019

3 cats climbing in an enormous cat treeThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Life Undercover: Coming of Age in the CIA, by Amaryllis Fox. This is a memoir about her time undercover for the CIA, and OMG it is fascinating, especially the details around how she was trained, how her cover was created (and costumed), and how she did her job.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Cats fit in places it looks like they won’t… that fluffy butt sticking out made me laugh.

    4. Snowberry Kitten Foster, Inc.*

      I love that cat tower. We have five cats and sadly, only one tower. Has anyone read Jackson Galaxy’s books, Catify to Satify or Catification? There’s some great ideas for building stuff for your cat.

    5. Nancydrewwannabe*

      I have to say that when I glanced at the picture I saw the striped tail and slightly hunched body on the left and thought it was a raccoon

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ha! I was thinking, “Why have I not noticed the stripes before now?” And her leg has more stripes it looks like.The critters markings and colorings are fascinating.

      2. Vicky Austin*

        I thought it was a raccoon too! It wasn’t until I looked at the other animals and saw that they were cats that I realized that the stripe-tailed creature was a cat, too!

    6. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It’s actually three cat towers pushed together (you can only see two in the photo; there’s one more on the left) to make an entire cat city! They love it. Highly recommended.

      1. Lcsa99*

        That’s one of the coolest things I’ve seen. I can’t imagine how much they must love it. Does it make them any more stable having them pushed together? One of our kitties gets very nervous when their tower shakes.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Not really! I mean, the towers clearly aren’t going anywhere, but they’re not getting additional support from being pushed together. But look for one with a really wide/solid/heavy base — those should shake less.

          1. Bilateralrope*

            The one my parents own was good at first. But their cat is a big, active cat. After a few years, the nails holding the tower to the base were coming loose. That was an easy fix with some solid brackets to hold the tower in place.

            Then we noticed that the base has developed a slight curve and cant sit flat any longer.

          2. EMW*

            Molly and Friends makes very solid cat trees. They are solid wood so they stay upright easier. Our cats have knocked down every non Molly and friends tree at some point – we’ve got 25 pound plates on the base now.

        2. Fikly*

          My roommate, who has two cats, just got a giant cat tower and bolted it to the wall. It seems very sturdy that way.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t remember where I saw it, but there was a house where the people had built little stairs and shelves and all kinds of climbing things on the walls, etc. for their cats. It was awesome.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Clever multi-cat thing I saw– an ‘as is’ IKEA corner unit, I think a wide/deep Ivar set. They cut holes in alternating ends of the shelves, lined it with old blankets and towels, and the cats are in heaven.

      4. Purt’s Peas*

        There’s a house like that on Amazing Interiors on Netflix (a great show). The house was completely an indoor cat paradise, and there were like fifty cats.

      5. Wired Wolf*

        I once visited a house just outside of Santa Fe NM that was like that…cats first, humans second :)

    8. Sc@rlettNZ*

      That is very cool. We’ve been having issues with our boys spraying in the house, now that they no longer like each other very much. The cat behaviourist that I consulted suggested we catify our house more so I’ve been looking for cat trees. Our two boys are both large gingers (9 and 7 kgs respectively) and most of the cat trees I’m finding are more suited to kittens. I did find one that was awesome but even on sale it was NZ$800 and much as I love our cats, I draw the line at spending that much on a cat tree!!! Sorry boys :-)

      1. GoryDetails*

        The really good cat-trees are expensive – but they last forever! I have two from Arubacat that cost around $300 each when I got them, quite a nip at the time, but that was almost 30 years ago and they’re still in good shape – after much climbing, clawing, napping, and playing by many cats over the years.

        If you have the space and some crafty inclinations you might be able to build something sturdy without breaking the bank.

    9. Auntie Social*

      I find really decent used cat towers on Craigslist all the time. I’m surprised at the kitties who just don’t take to cat trees because ours are playing on theirs so often. I’ve made a rule that I won’t pay more than $40 for one.

      1. C Average*

        Yeah, my cat would be the one who didn’t take to it. She didn’t take to the cat tree or the catnip mouse or the feather toy or the laser pointer or the treats or the other treats. She really just doesn’t know how to cat properly.

  2. Fikly*

    I no longer remember who recommended it, but a big thanks to the commenter who recommended Big Dreams, Small Spaces on Netflix. It is a complete delight! (Although I would point out that spending 5,000 pounds on a garden does not fall under small budget in my book, but it was pretty!)

    1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Oooh, and thank YOU for posting about it now. I am watching the first episode as we speak.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Marvellous show. Have you watched Monty Don’s French Gardens and M.D. Italian Gardens?

      Stunning. He covers the cultural & historical influences that drove different styles of garden design. Fascinating, and such gorgeous homes & scenery

  3. Fikly*

    I had a really bad experience with a cardiologist yesterday.

    He started off the appointment by talking about what a big expensive test could mean, in terms of diagnosis, and before he got too deep into that, I started talking about my concerns that the test had been mishandled and perhaps had been a false negative (I had already been informed of the results).

    BOY was he angry. He went off on how I was being adversarial, and he didn’t like starting appointments that way, etc, etc. I was just trying to be efficient and respectful of the limited time we had for the appointment, because why waste time talking about what the test meant before establishing if it was valid? I have many doctors who prefer this approach. It’s fine if he doesn’t, but he needs to tell me that.

    He kicked me out to the waiting room and made me cool my heels for half an hour. At first I felt bad about the way I handled it, and then I got angry about how he never before told me how he prefers appointments to be handled, so it’s completely unreasonable for him to be angry at me for not reading his mind. And that I then would need to abase myself to soothe him to get the diagnosis I needed. And do all the emotional labor.

    So I apologized, because he had the power. I said I was sorry for starting off the conversation on the wrong foot, that I was having a severe pain day, and that I would be more careful in choosing my words. He told me that I didn’t know how difficult his day was. Then he complained that the number of medications I was on made treating me difficult. (Try living with all the conditions that require those medications.)

    To top it off, I mentioned that I had been having atypical (for me) cardiac symptoms for the last four days, and he literally thought about it for 10 seconds, said he didn’t know why it was happening, and walked out the door. Are they dangerous? Do I need any testing? I certainly don’t know!

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Wow. Sorry to hear about your experience. Some doctors know their stuff brilliantly but are arrogant and resent being questioned. Sometimes we can work this situation to our advantage–benefit from their technical skills and just endure the rudeness. Sometimes we need to find another physician. Your situation sounds like the latter. I hope you are able to find another cardiologist better skilled in self-care and interpersonal communication. I also hope you can get some guidance about your recent, atypical-for-you symptoms.

      Use whatever resources you have to find helpful information. Do you know other patients, or medical professionals? Is your cardiologist part of a hospital that offers guidance services (“patient navigator”) to patients? Is there a local (or national) news or consumer information organization that puts out an annual “best doctors” story or keeps a database on medical care providers? Can you research the validity of this specific medical test using a medical library, or online using scientific, evidence-based sources? If the test is controversial, can you find a cardiologist whose practice agrees with your interpretation?

      If you’re stuck with this particular medical office, can you try to see another physician? If you’re stuck with this particular cardiologist, do you have a friend/relative who can accompany you to some or all appointments? You sound pretty calm under fire yourself. I suggest that your friend/relative be the same–someone who can be an assertive ally, calmly repeat questions that are not getting answered, and–like you–not get thrown off balance if/when the doctor gives anger not answers. You’re not there for an argument–you’re there to get facts about treating/living with your particular health circumstances.

      1. assistant alpaca attendant*

        Yeah, that is way out of line. I’d be leaving negative reviews online, and considering complaining to the medical board.

        Internet hugs if you want them.

        1. tangerineRose*

          I agree. Report this guy or at least post something to let others know. And switch doctors. There are doctors who are also nice people.

          1. Seal*

            +1 to switching doctors, particularly if this one is being an ass. I did that last year with a new primary care physician after a single visit. Within the first 5 minutes of meeting me she told me that she wouldn’t renew a medication I’d been using successfully for over a decade, without asking why I was on it. When I tried to explain, she was dismissive of my well-documented issue and insisted on prescribing something else instead. I left the appointment visibly upset, which she didn’t notice. Trying to be a “good” patient, I tried the new med she prescribed, with disastrous results. To her credit, she checked up with me a few days later, which gave me the opportunity to fire her directly. At least she gave me a new prescription for my original medication after I told her about the horrid side effects I had experienced on the new med. All of this could have been avoided if she took the time to listen to her new patient rather than assume that because she was the doctor she knew best.

      2. MatKnifeNinja*

        I recently had a miserable experience with a big deal sub specialist that all doctors in my area defaults to when it comes to an opinion.

        The issue is similar to yours, a test done, but the doctor who did the test (who I trust) wanted confirmation. Not only did I not get a confirmation, but was told everything that had been done up to that point was totally wrong. And why was I there. Horrible doesn’t even begin to describe it.

        My problem is turf battle between two health systems. Each trying to grab patients.

        I’ve had my share of cardiologists. Is this doc a sub specialist? I have found the more specialized the doctor the less they want your question/opinion until THEY have said their piece. They burn up the first three minutes of the appointment, then you get a chance throw your two pennies in.

        The cardio (in his mind) thought the test is valid. You (the great unwashed-his opinion) asking if the test was actually valid, hacked him off for two reasons

        1) You don’t trust his expertise.

        2) He wasn’t willing to jump down time rat hole explaining his position, since he’s the one with (X) amount of schooling and years in his trade. In his mind the test is valid. (Yeah, I know)

        With my internist, there is some collaboration/opinions bounced back and forth. The same with my allergist, but I’ve seen him for a decade. My endo, neuro and cardio doctors…they are like your doctor. They shut that questioning down fast until they say their piece.

        If this cardio is a rock star clinician, who can get you what you need/want, but is crap in the soft skills area, don’t turf him just yet.
        If he wants to lead the parade at the start, let him.

        Your efficient is not necessarily, their efficient. I don’t see a huge deal time wise in what you did. Next time, let him speed read the results to you, then ask your question.

        Unless you think this doctor is total crap, clinician wise, I wouldn’t switch just yet. I’ve seen 5 different cardiologists, and the personalities are basically the same. There may be that unicorn out there, but I haven’t found them. Lol…

        As for the cardiac stuff, if it’s disconcerting, go to the ER or an Urgent Care that can do a 12 lead EKG. You won’t get sent away with a cardiac complaint. I’m guessing it’s palpitations/racing heart? It will be a data point for the cardio (which will make him happy), and you’ll get some peace of mind.

        Chronic illness sucks.

        (hugs)

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I just switched practices because the ONLY cardiologist I have ever liked left one place and went to another. Seriously, every other cardiologist I’ve ever had has been a complete a-hole, but this guy is amazingly sweet and takes a lot of time with his patients. I sort of suspect he left the last place because they were mad at him for not treating people like widgets on an assembly line. Previous cardiologists have mostly been of the “You’re in your thirties, why are you bothering me?” variety, even though my father had his first heart attack at 38 and has had a total of three heart attacks and five stents, most of them before he even hit 50. Then there was “I’m trying to save you $10,000. You should be THANKING me” guy, who canceled my cardiac catheterization even though I needed one. It turns out he didn’t save me ANY money because he sent me home and then I just ended up back in the hospital again six days later. They did the test then, and of course I had two blockages…had he just done the dang test when it was scheduled, I would have avoided a third two-night hospitalization, and I wouldn’t now be paying $156 a month on a $6,000 bill.

    2. WellRed*

      Let’s put this in perspective. He put you in time out. Get a new physician stat. I’d also report him but not expect anything to come if that.

      1. Sylvan*

        Yep. Regardless of who was more at fault here, if you’re worrying over that, you two clearly aren’t a good match. Is there anyone else you can try?

      2. Queer Earthling*

        THIS. Honestly. He treated you extremely disrespectfully, and regardless of who’s wrong or whatever, finding a doctor who meshes better with you and doesn’t put adults in time-out might be a good idea.

    3. Washi*

      He definitely does not sound like a very sensitive doctor, I’m sorry.

      I do also wonder if you came across more intensely than you intended to at the beginning of the appointment. Sending someone back to the waiting room for 30 minutes is quite unusual, since doctors are usually booked back to back and can’t make any deviations from their schedule without throwing the rest of the day off. And some of the things you mention him saying I could imagine someone else saying in a fairly compassionate way (that your case is complex because you are on a lot of medications, and he may have been trying to say that he was also having a bad day.)

      I’ve had doctor-patient relationships like this, where somehow I was always reading them as angrier than they meant and they read me as non-compliant. And they weren’t even bad people necessarily, we just really didn’t mesh personality wise. Is it possible for you to find another doctor whose manner works better for you?

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        Considering the cardios in my area book minimum of 4 months in advance for a return office visit, and book every available chunk of time, getting sent back for 30 minutes is really unusual.

        At least it signals he still wanted to see the patient.

        I’ve been in offices where the doctor/patient disagreement ends with the appointment being cut short, and a referral card to another doctor. That was at a neurologist, and an endocrinologist office. I got a front row seat because of paper thin walls.

    4. Ann*

      Please find a new physician who treats your valid questions and symptoms with the respect and consideration they deserve. Even on his hardest day, his job is to serve you in meeting your healthcare needs. People think doctors are infallible — they mess up all the time. Putting you in a time out is seriously disrespectful. I would strongly consider firing your doctor and finding one willing to explain and to listen.

    5. Bluebell*

      As someone who has dealt with several cardiologists, I’d try to find a new one if you have that option. It sounds like this dr wildly overreacted. He could have calmly listened to your concerns, but then continued to explain. As you look for a new cardio, see if you can find one who is better at complex cases, who won’t complain about potential drug interactions.
      My most alarming cardiologist interaction was the surgeon who told me that he wouldn’t recommend a certain procedure because if it went wrong “we’d have to leave you to die on the table.” He was polite, but that kind of killed the rest of my day.
      Sending you good wishes and hoping you get a cardiologist that’s a good match for you.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      Wow! That was extremely unprofessional of him.

      I’m sure being a cardiologist is a very demanding job, but medical professionals cannot show that side to patients. I would’ve left.
      Even if they “have the power” it’s no excuse to treat a patient badly.

    7. Dame Judi Brunch*

      That doctor was wildly out of line. He put you in time out for the crime of advocating for your own health.
      Please go see another doctor if you have that option.
      I had to deal with a really crummy orthopaedic surgeon. He made me question my pain, symptoms, and caused me to think I was crazy.
      My dad said hey, you know your own body. You aren’t crazy. I ended up seeking another opinion, and needed surgery.
      Don’t let a power tripping doctor keep you from asking questions and getting a diagnosis.
      Good luck, and good health to you!

      1. Auntie Social*

        I went to a crummy orthopod who told me I was stiff and not exercising. I used to dance so I put my heel on my forehead and said “no, I think I’m pretty limber, NOW can I have the test??” What an a-hole. Another doctor ordered appropriate tests and I got the hip replacement I needed—shallow socket.

    8. Parenthetically*

      He kicked me out to the waiting room and made me cool my heels for half an hour.

      What the HELL. Wow. This guy SUCKS, and absolutely no way would I tolerate that kind of paternalistic bullshit from ANYONE, much less someone I AM PAYING for his expertise. Jeezy creezy on toast.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      Report him in writing to the medical board and whoever/whatever he works for. He’s out of control.
      (HE’s having a bad day when you have heart issues?! Gimme a break!)

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      The back to the waiting room for a half an hour thing really surprised me, and makes me wonder if he was having an *exceptionally* bad day for some reason, because I can’t imagine a cardiologist who routinely has enough slack in their schedule to do that.

      It is not your job to mend fences with someone who is angry with you like this if you have the option of switching, but if switching would be difficult it’s also possible that he’s not usually like this and you saw him on one of his worst days. If it would make you feel less anxious or angry about a future appointment with him, you can decide to assume it was that until you know differently if you think it would help you feel better about that future appointment. (It is also TOTALLY REASONABLE to decide to see a different cardiologist if you have that option. I just know it’s a difficult specialty to be seen in.)

    11. Athena X*

      You need a new doctor, that is unprofessional and insane.

      I really don’t need to expand on these thoughts or what happened to you. That is a totally batshit response. No thanks.

      Hugs to you.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Here we have hospital nurses who HIDE from certain doctors. And for the very reasons you see here. You might want to check around with some nurses to find out who seems to have some people skills.

      It’s pretty well known around here that a particular oncologist is fine IF he likes you. If he does not like you then you’re hosed. A person was laying in a hospital bed complaining of pain/discomfort. He said, “You’re gonna die anyway, get over it.” And he left the person laying there.
      Your doc sounds like this guy. Move away from this person. Seriously. Move on. This will not get better no matter how hard you try to please him.

      1. Mary Connell*

        Good luck finding a nurse who will say; they’d have no reason to trust that their comments wouldn’t come back to bite them.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, tricky but not impossible:

          “If you needed a cardiologist who would you go to? Or send a loved one to?”

          I learned about my problem doc after I related what he had said to me: “You have zero moral worth as a human being, you don’t deserve to have a father.” (This was his summary of my lack of care for my father, I called the hospital three times a day and went to see him every night after dinner. Because I was not camped out in my fathers room 24/7 this doc thought I was crap and said so.) In the process of relating this to the nurses they said, “Yeah, we all hide from him. Bathrooms and supply closets work well.” They went on to say that almost every interaction with him ended in someone crying.
          Shrug. I just told him directly that he was not god and he had no place judging my worth as a human being. I told him to limit his remarks to his field of training. Even though I handled it in the moment, that does not mean I did not have “aftershocks” later.

          OP, it seems to help if you state what happened and then ask who they use themselves or who they would take a loved one to see.

    13. googs*

      This is VERY not okay behavior. Literally against every hospitals “patients are first” mindset. Boy howdy. If it makes you feel better, specialists are often at the higher end of the hospital food chain and are not used to being doubted or “disrespected” (in the same vein as those bad parenting memes where “expressing any concern or asking any questions” = disrespect). It’s nothing you did – he was gonna be like this if you didn’t do anything other than nod along. You should not have apologized and shame on him for abusing you verbally in such an intimate setting – you have the full right to be concerned and ask questions. Mind you, you’re supposed to be in control in these interactions (YOU have the power) so you don’t need to ask him how he wants the meeting handled. You are paying for his time, he’s not doing you any favors and a good MD understands customer service or as they dress it up, “good bedside manners.” Shaming you for your conditions is really messed up and if he’s having trouble treating you, then that’s not your problem – you should have said, “I am sorry you are having trouble with this. I will seek a physician who has a more adequate skill-set to help me manage my health.”

      If you can, please go to another medical office or request another cadiologist (or PA or APRN that specializes in cardiology). Report this guy’s behavior to the medical director of the hospital – every hospital I have worked at, this would be a reportable offense. We all have difficult days and tough projects but we manage not to pop off – he sounds slightly abusive thinking he can verbally berate you then say “feel bad for me, I’m having a no-good, awful, rotten day.”

    14. Fikly*

      Thank you all! (Sorry for not replying individually)

      The test was a tilt table. The original cost, pre-insurance, was $9,000, so I was pretty concerned that if it had been screwed up (and boy howdy, it had already been documented and reported to the hospital, and they admitted that they screwed up it two different ways, and I was asking about way #3) there was no way for me to 1) get diagnosed correctly, and 2) get my insurance to pay to do it again.

      It’s possible I did come off a little aggressive, because I was pretty anxious about this. But you know, getting correctly diagnosed so I can get treatment for a condition that was causing me to pass out when I am high risk for hurting myself if I fall is pretty important.

      Since I am already deep into the hospital patient advocacy/complaint department, I will be adding this to the tally.

      I will be changing doctors. But I won’t formally fire him until I actually have the appointment with a new cardiologist.

      I have had really terrible luck with this hospital. (I was at the ER a few months back, said to the PA in charge of me that I had just started having shortness of breath, he checked my pulse ox and said, well, you’re fine, we’re discharging you. No, really. He also told me to stop taking my antibiotics. I did not follow that “advice.”) I originally started trying specialists there because my truly wonderful GP is affiliated with them, but I think I just have to stop trying. There’s another hospital I’ve only seen two specialists at, but they’ve both been amazing, so I will start there.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Patients are frequently anxious and therefore intense. As a nurse, I deal with this from patients all the time. I give them extra TLC.

        To be clear, THIS DOCTOR WAS AN ASSHOLE. YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. And, given that you did not get any of your questions answered, I suggest that you ask for a refund.

      2. Mary Connell*

        Glad to hear you have options. Hopefully that will work better.

        Also, don’t listen to the people arguing here that his behavior was appropriate. It wasn’t.

    16. Paris- Berlin -Seoul Express*

      I’m so angry for you. Please switch cardiologists and report him. Many doctors forget that we’re customers and they’re service providers. I wouldn’t let an auto mechanic talk to me that way and doctors are nothing else but highly educated and very expensive mechanics specialized in the human body. I also experienced something similar with my cardiologist who tried to shame me about my weight and tried to lecture me about my eating habits. Turned out I had hypothyroidism and the weight gain and actually most of my cardiac issues were related to that. But it took five years and an army of doctors to finally get it diagnosed despite all but one symptom being present. But that’s another story.

    17. ..Kat..*

      As a nurse, I recommend you find a different cardiologist. Based on my experience, I cannot imagine that this one is any good.

      If you feel up to it, I recommend filing a complaint about him. This is completely unacceptable behavior. (And if your general practitioner recommended him, tell them what a jerk he was – tell the GP exactly what the cardiologist did so that GP understands that you are not the problem.)

      If you have to stay with this cardiologist, I recommend bringing a friend as a witness/advocate. Assholes like this often clean up their act when there is a witness.

      I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        “Based on my experience, I cannot imagine that this one is any good.”

        I am glad to see my thinking verified. I have often thought the ones who know what they are doing have NO need to get rude.

    19. Lime green Pacer*

      Then he complained that the number of medications I was on made treating me difficult.
      To me, this sounds like just another day at the office for a cardiologist. Medications for diabetes + depression + heart disease is probably not an unusual combination (just to pick one example), and I would expect your doc to just buckle down and figure something out, possibly in concert with your other docs.

    20. Anon for this*

      Then he complained about you being a difficult patient (try living with the conditions that require these medications = YUP YUP YUP.

    21. with a comma after dearest*

      “Then he complained about you being a difficult patient (try living with the conditions that require these medications” = YUP YUP YUP. Solidarity, I take 8. And am now dealing with a new health condition on top of that (I’m the “Anon for this” from the concussion thread but that’s not a good permanent user name if I plan to participate here more.)

      I don’t know what it is about some medical providers, relatives, colleagues, etc. who act this way, like their life is so hard for having to deal with us. I’m sure it is but TRY LIVING IT. Relatedly – I notice parents of children with special needs are held up as so strong on say BUT what about the child with special needs or adult with special needs who is living it. As a parent it’s I’m sure hard to see your kid suffer – but also, it’s hard to suffer! You really nailed how I feel.

      In terms of this doctor, I would find a new one. He treated you rudely and dismissively, shamed you !!!, and didn’t even address your health concerns. I’m sorry. I hope the next one is a good one.

  4. Media Monkey*

    I’d love some help from your experiences please! My 11 year old daughter told me the other day that she is bisexual because she likes girls as well as boys. I know she isn’t doing anything physical with anyone – she has had ‘boyrfiends but nothing more than hanging out at school maybe holding hands.

    We chatted about it, I told her that it was fine and that we supported her whatever she chooses and whoever she loves . I also asked her to chat with me before doing anything phtsical with anyone! Should I have done or said anything different?

    Also I suggested that until she might want to keep this quiet for now. I dont want her to hide who she is (and i feel like i am asking her to do so) but i know kids (esepcially girls) can be mean and i dont want people not wanting to get changed next to her because she might be looking at them or whatever. Was this the right thing to say?

    Also bisexual.people – did you know this young? I know she might well change her mind but I don’t want to tell her that as it might sound like I’m not supportive!

    1. Fikly*

      Did you tell her your reasoning behind not telling people? And if so, did you say that if people’s actions toward her changed because of this knowledge, it was not ok, and not her fault?

      1. Media Monkey*

        I didn’t phrase it as well as this (I didn’t say kids could be mean – that was me paraphrasing a part of a chat chat that probably lasted about half an hour into a sentence). But I have phrased it like this now so thank you.

    2. Shiny Flygon*

      Even if she revises her sense of who she is later, that doesn’t mean she was wrong. This and the idea that you’d tell her to keep it to herself really rub me up the wrong way. I didn’t realise I was bi until this year because bi is so often invisible. The idea of a child being told to keep it to herself today hurts my heart.

      I don’t mean you should tell her to broadcast it – but you could have phrased it as “this is precious information, it’s up to you who you tell and how and when. It’s ok to tell people but it’s ok to keep it to yourself, too.” And something about how even well meaning people gossip.

      Good luck navigating this. But I think it doesn’t need to be as big as you’re making it.

      1. Shiny Flygon*

        I just wanted to add – I know that kids can be cruel and “gay” is still thrown around as a slur. We’re living in a far from perfect world. And I understand your urge to protect your kid. But this is the reality of her, and it’s not her fault that people can be awful. She deserves your support in being out if she wants to be.

        Maybe look into whether there are any LGBTQ+ groups for kids in your area (I have no idea if they exist but worth finding out) and ask if she would like to go to your local Pride next year? I took my 8 year old this year.

        1. Media Monkey*

          I have phrased it like this now. And she would love to go to pride – our local area one was a month or so ago but we can definitely go next year! She absolutely has my support for everything she does and she knows that!

    3. Christy*

      Telling her to keep this quiet reinforces that it’s a shameful thing. I think you whiffed on that part, sorry. Here’s the thing—parents often express their own biases this way, by saying “other people might have a problem with it, but *i* don’t have a problem with it”. Because with today’s Gen Zers, they’re super accepting of queer kids of all stripes. Like, she knows at 11 that bi is an option for her—we didn’t all have that growing up.

      And I didn’t know that young (that I was gay) because it was so the default that I’d be straight. I realized I liked girls around 12 but didn’t actually develop a crush on a girl I knew until college. Because I was in the closet and very very awkward.

      1. Meepmeep*

        The kid is in middle school. She is probably not in any shape to be a warrior for LGBT rights quite yet. She will get bullied for being non-straight in most middle school social environments. Why encourage her to expose herself to a bullying risk?

        I say this as a bisexual person, btw. No way would I have come out in middle school. I got bullied enough without that extra target on my back.

        If the school is unusually accepting and if the kid is otherwise popular, then sure – wave that rainbow flag all you want. But for most schools, coming out will get her bullied.

        1. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

          I don’t think I agree that that will happen in *most* schools. It’s possible people would have made fun of me behind my back if I’d come out in middle school, but they were doing that anyway, and I wasn’t bullied at any point. If a kid’s a bully, they’re gonna pick something and run with it; sure, it might be bisexuality, but if it’s not, it’ll be something else. The solution to bullying isn’t to try to not do anything to “attract” bullying.

          I don’t think being openly out is the same as being a warri0r for LGBT rights. For middle or high school kids, the solution is to ask them what they think will happen. If they get bullied a lot and don’t trust their peers, then by all means, suggest that they be careful with who they share with. If they don’t get bullied and feel generally happy and accepted at school, then it’s gonna be fine. And yeah, I think Christy has a good point; even if middle schoolers aren’t perfect, they have a *much* better understanding of the spectrum of sexualities than I and my peers had at that age, and tbh chances are decent that OP’s daughter isn’t the only person at her school that’s out right now, and certainly won’t be the only one for long!

          1. Vicky Austin*

            Very true. If there are no openly LGBTQ students at her school, the bullies will target the kids with disabilities, the fat kids, the geeks, the kids whose first language is not English, etc.

      2. Media Monkey*

        Understood. I have been explicit today that it’s not at all.something to be ashamed of and she hadn’t taken it like that luckily! So glad this generation are more accepting than previous ones..hopefully it makes it easier for kids to navigate.

    4. Christy*

      Also, I’m not a parent yet, but I don’t understand the “talk to me before you get physical with someone”. Is that a thing parents say? Because the idea of talking to my parents about such stuff (as a kid, as a teen) is utterly horrifying to me. What’s the goal of it?

      I figure it’s one of two things. Either you want to talk them out of it (which, I don’t think you’re likely to be successful and I don’t think a parent should be involved in that decision anyway) or you want to share information about how to protect yourself physically and emotionally (which you should already being doing before it’s immediately relevant). Like, I would think that you’d do the work ahead of time to prepare her so that you know that when she’s faced with a decision, she’ll make a good one.

      But like I said, not a parent yet.

      2. You can call me Al*

        Parent of teens/young adults, and you’re absolutely right. Share the info ANYWAY. And if your plan is to talk them out of it, they’ll sense that and they are not going to come to you.
        Most teens don’t plan it in advance so that there’s time to strike up a conversation with mom beforehand anyway.

      3. Clever Name*

        Agreed. My son is almost 13 and we have ongoing conversations about sex and consent and I just happen to have condoms in the hallway closet etc, but I ca t fathom asking him to tell me if he wants to get physical with anyone else. I guess it’s none of my business?

        1. Media Monkey*

          I have no plan to talk her out of anything. But she is still very young and conversations about sex and consent and so on are all still.ongoing and evolving.

    5. Bi bi baby bi bi*

      I knew I was bi by my eighth birthday. As a teacher, I know a lot of eleven year olds. They are definitely capable of knowing these things about themselves. And even if she reconsiders her identity later, that doesn’t mean she was wrong now! Here and now, she identifies as bi, and that’s all that matters right now.

      I don’t think telling her to keep it quiet was a good idea, sorry. I understand you are trying to protect her, but it sends a message that this is wrong/shameful/inappropriate that totally undermines any other message you tried to convey. I would go back to her, and explain that you said that because you were concerned about things you’d heard about people getting bullied for coming out, but you realise that it wasn’t the best way to handle it, tell her that it’s absolutely her choice if and when she tells people, and that you will support her in her choices. And then do your utmost to live up to that.

      As for the getting physical part, that seems super weird to me. I wouldn’t “chat” to my parent about that and nor would any of my friends. Maybe your parent/child relationship is very different, but I would not count on her consulting you on these things over the next few years! She needs to know how to stay safe before it ever gets that far, and if you aren’t already doing the safe sex talks get started on that now. Don’t wait until you think she’s considering physical stuff – make sure she knows everything you’d want her to know about consent, safe sex and where to find support if necessary. Scarleteen is a great resource for sex and relationship stuff for young people!

      Best of luck to you both!

      1. Shy Boo*

        Chiming in to second Scarleteen. I had no interest in sex as a teen (turned out I’m an asexual) but still wanted to know about my body and that was one of the best resources I found.

      2. Ethyl*

        Thirding Scarleteen! And the founder has written several books for tweens and teens that you could pick up too.

      3. Media Monkey*

        Thank you. We are having those conversations and she is that kid who probably would talk about that sort of thing. She knows the door is always open to chat more and that was really what I wanted her to take from it.

    6. Christmas*

      I think you handled it well. And yes, it’s possible to know that young. My sister knew that she was gay by around that same age. She also decided at a young age that she didn’t need to announce it or anything. All of our family knows, and she tells her close friends. I wouldn’t make keeping it quiet about how people can be “mean“, it’s just that it’s not other people’s business. In a future chat, perhaps you can discuss some of the misconceptions people have about bisexuality and help your daughter prepare for the inevitable ignorant or even inappropriate questions and comments she will likely hear.

    7. Hannah Banana*

      I agree with Christy – you don’t want to reinforce that it’s shameful or wrong. I know sexuality in kids starts much younger these days but I probably knew around 16 that I might be into girls (for reference on generation I’m 32 now).

      A good story a friend told me is that she has 2 boys, ages 3 and 1 and a half. the 3 year old will legit tell her he wants to go hump his pillows in his room for nap time/play with himself and request permission to go do that. He is shameless and obviously since he’s 3 and doesn’t know but she makes a point to never make it a big deal but lets him know that if he wants to do that, he only can in his room. I personally love this because you don’t want to inhibit your children but let them know the right time and place to do things like that.

      Perhaps instead of not telling her to not tell people, say that there is a right time and place to discuss things like that since they are a private matter (which is true, adults don’t go around shouting their sexuality to strangers just for the fun of it).

    8. BRR*

      I think you should apologize for asking her to keep it quiet and take it back. I think it was a mistake to say. Is there a pflag meeting you can attend near you?

    9. Anon Here*

      I felt attracted to both boys and girls at a young age. For me, it was kind of confusing. To be young and to be having crushes that range from socially acceptable to socially unacceptable (conservative city, late 80’s / early 90’s). I had crushes on peers and adults of all ages too. I didn’t know what to make of that.

      For me, things changed a bit when I started actually dating people. Although my attraction was all over the place, who I was compatible with and felt deeper kinds of feelings for was more narrow. That’s probably common. It doesn’t invalidate the attraction side of things; it’s just that this stuff is complex and you learn about yourself through experience. That’s a lifelong thing. And our understanding of our sexuality, romantic orientation, etc, can change at any time regardless of who we are or how we identify.

      The world still pushes people to be heterosexual. She’ll get that from a lot of people. What she probably needs most is just support and acceptance and unconditional love. When you talk about crushes or relationships, use gender-neutral terms. Try to react the same way regardless of the gender of the person she talks about. And support her choices about who to tell, and her resilience against any bias.

      Doctors often ask patients about their sexuality. It’s a relevant question when people are doing physical stuff. I don’t know if they ask before that, but it could happen. And some are biased. Occasionally, you get treated differently when you tell them you aren’t straight. Then you have to decide whether to keep seeing that doctor or find someone else.

      That’s just one example of how this is a logistical thing that comes up in different aspects of life. We tend to think of kids telling other kids at school, and how the other kids react. But it comes up in other places too. This would be a good time to make sure the adults she relies on are LGBT+-friendly and to establish an open dialogue about that. Welcome her to express concerns.

      Also, this is as big or small a part of her identity as she wants it to be, and it’s OK for that to change over time. When I first came out, back in the mid-90’s, I celebrated with a lot of pride flags, listening to music by bisexual/pansexual people, and being really involved in the community. Then my focus shifted a bit and I have since identified more strongly with my creative community and who I’m attracted to has become more like a side note – something that exists but just isn’t in the forefront right now. That’s OK. It’s OK to wear a pride necklace for a year and then have a year where you’re just a writer. We’re all multifaceted and we can focus on different things at different times. There shouldn’t be any set expectations around that.

      So, just give her a lot of support and don’t judge or tell her what to do aside from obvious things that would apply to anyone. She needs someone who will consistently be there for her, who she can talk to about anything, and who will always love her for who she is.

      1. Media Monkey*

        Thank you. I hadn’t quite parsed out using gender neutral terms for crushes etc. Still need to work on that! She absolutely has my support!

    10. only acting normal*

      Put it this way, did you know *your* sexual orientation at 11? Because most people seem to.
      There’s usually only (self-)doubt if we don’t have the vocabulary to describe, or the role models to show, what we feel is something others feel too.
      Your daughter, luckily, has the vocabulary to describe how she experiences attraction.
      I too think you fumbled the ‘keep it secret’ bit, sorry, though I understand your protective instinct in a less than perfect world. If you can undo that and maybe reframe it somehow? Perhaps how you’ll have her back if anyone *is* ever an a-hole about it.

      1. londonedit*

        Really good point – it’s interesting how it’s totally fine for me to say that I knew at age 11 that I was only attracted to boys (and/or young men in boy bands…) but if an 11-year-old says they’re attracted to boys and girls, somehow they can’t possibly know that for sure. Shrug.

        I don’t have personal experience of this from either side, so will leave it to people who do, but I do agree that the ‘talk to me before you get physical with anyone’ and the advice to keep things under wraps don’t sit particularly well with me. It’s important to talk to children about relationships and to answer their questions about sex and sexuality, but I don’t know any child who’s explicitly spoken to a parent before getting into a relationship with someone, and I also worry that you might have made it sound like sexuality is something to hide.

      4. Media Monkey*

        I don’t know if I knew at 11. It was a long time ago! But also I’m not sure it would really have been something that was as talked about then as it is now (definitely a good thing!)

    11. Queer Earthling*

      I identify as pan rather than bi, and I didn’t admit to myself that I was anything but straight until my twenties…but I definitely had crushes on people of all genders from a very young age. (Pretty sure my first crush was Miss Bianca the mouse from The Rescuers when I was around four. You can laugh, it’s okay.)

      How old were you when you started having crushes? You didn’t have to ‘come out’ as heterosexual because our society expects it, to the point where people call their offspring’s opposite-gender friends their “boyfriend” or “girlfriend,” but you were probably eleven if not younger when you started to develop attractions to people at school, or celebrities on TV, or cartoon mice, or whatever.

      I agree with the people who said that “keep it quiet” kinda comes across as “this is an embarrassing secret.” Yes, your kid might get picked on a little, but she probably has peers who are queer, whether they’re out yet or not. Queer kids gravitate to one another in my experience, and can build a strong friendship that can combat a lot of the bullying.

      IMO, the kids who have the most psychological damage are the ones who need to stay closeted, from their parents or their peers or whatever. Also, she’s probably not going to talk to you about when she wants to have sex–she’s just not–but keeping the dialogue open will encourage her to come to you if she’s scared or worried or needs the pill or dental dams or something.

      Good luck, and don’t beat yourself up for not being sure how to handle it. Maybe Google around for scripts to follow for future conversations, read about safe queer sex, consider joining your local PFLAG chapter, which will not only give you both some good resources but show your support in a public and tangible way.

    12. NJBi*

      Bi young person here! (early 20s, and I have a sister just a bit older than your daughter)

      1. Yes, late elementary and middle schoolers can already have romantic feelings and know their preferences. Don’t think of it like “knowing your sexuality” at such a young age–it’s not sexual! People often exhibit what appears to be an implicit bias that “nonstraight = sexual” and think that this is too mature for kids, even if they wouldn’t bat an eye at an 11 year old girl saying she has a crush on a boy. I mean, look at what you’ve written here–you accept that she knows that she likes boys, right? I’d ask that you reexamine why when she says she has a “boyfriend,” you accept it at face value, but when she says she likes girls, you’re not so sure. For me, when did I know I was bi…gosh, who even knows. It feels like I knew forever, even if I didn’t have the examples and language to understand the feelings that I had until high school (bi representation matters!).

      2. I totally understand that you want to keep your kid safe and comfortable and that other kids can be mean, but please, please don’t ask her to keep quiet about her romantic feelings for multiple genders. You cannot protect her from homophobia and biphobia by warning her about it–you just give more space to those ideas. And frankly, if girls are going to bully her, they’re going to bully her–don’t plant the seed that it might be her fault (“it’s because I said I liked girls”) by encouraging her to conceal something about herself. Unless you’re in an area where she would face actual threats to her physical safety by being out, please encourage her to talk about her feelings and crushes however she sees fit! Honestly, if this message was from my mom about my sister, I’d text back and say to go talk to her right now and say, “I’ve thought about it, and I’m really sorry I told you to keep quiet about liking girls.” I’d tell my mom to be honest about why she said it, and be prepared for my sister to roll her eyes and say something like, “Moooooooom, you’re so ooooooold, being gay is cool now.”

      Even if she figures out later that actually, she’s only attracted to girls, or maybe only attracted to boys, or maybe pan is a better fit than bi as a descriptor of her romantic feelings, it doesn’t hurt anything for her to embrace this now. To put it another way, you wouldn’t tell her not to talk about liking Harry Potter movies because she might later not like Harry Potter, right? Encourage her to embrace and express her identity right now, even those aspects of her identity that might grow and change as she does.

      3. I get the sense from your message that you’re looking for a little validation, so here you go: You’re doing so good!!! You’re already saying things are so important to hear, like “that’s nice, please tell me before you do anything physical with anyone,” and keeping to yourself that her feelings might change, because it’s really impossible to say what parts of an 11-year-old’s identity are going to stick around, but they hate it when you say it out loud. Send Scarleteen over to her, talk about your crushes, acquire age-appropriate books about queer people for her (Lambda Literary’s reviews of YA books can help with this), ask her after school if she has a crush on anyone, all that embarrassing stuff that might make her squirm and laugh but for some kids is actually really nice to look back on and think, “Hey, my mom wanted me to feel okay and not weird.”

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        I agree with everything you said, but “To put it another way, you wouldn’t tell her not to talk about liking Harry Potter movies because she might later not like Harry Potter, right?”

        Kids who have uncool or or out of the mainstream interests are advised to keep them quiet all.the.time. and instead work to find something in common with their peers. Right or wrong, this is really common.

        1. Meepmeep*

          Yup. As a bisexual and non-neurotypical person with unusual interests, I second the “keep it quiet” advice 100%. I learned very early on that if I let my freak flag fly, I’d be punished for it by my peers, so I kept all my “weirdness” quiet throughout middle school and high school. I matured late so sexual orientation wasn’t something I worried about at that age, but there was no way in hell I’d tell my peers that I enjoyed opera (just to give one example). Can you imagine the bullying and teasing?

        2. LJay*

          This. So many of my interests were dismissed as “just a phase” and I was encouraged heavily to do things that would help me fit in with other kids whether I had interest in them (the activities or the kids) or not.

          And I was teased for innumerable things in middle school. It seems like at that age if people like you then you can be whoever you want to be and like whatever you want to like and nobody will care. If they don’t, well…

          I was teased for having big teeth/an overbite, liking horses, reading, not being interested in boys, drawing a picture of an igloo in the 4th grade, not wearing a bra, wearing a bra, being a lesbian (I was bi, but not out, so this was conjecture on their parts), being on the cross country team, my best friend being a guy, being into anime, being friends with an obese girl, having hairy arms, farting in class once, not knowing who Tyra Banks was, believing someone when they said they liked me, eating babybel cheese for lunch, writing fanfiction, and tons of other things. There’s no way I could have not done all of those things. And even if I managed to avoid all of those things, even the contradictory ones, I’m sure the kids making fun of me would have invented other reasons to make fun of me.

          The best thing for me to learn, and what I did ultimately learn, is that they were shitty kids being shitty, and ultimately it wasn’t about me. They needed a target and I was an easy one. But if I wasn’t there they would have ganged up on someone else. Learning that I should hide pretty much everything about myself would probably just have left me more scarred that I wound up being.

          1. Anon Here*

            People pick on people who are interesting because, on some level, they’re jealous. Or they just don’t understand. Then you keep on being interesting and doing interesting things and eventually, they’ll be bragging about how they know you and pretending they never said or did anything negative towards you.

          2. Shiny Flygon*

            believing someone when they said they liked me,
            This is where my heart actually broke. I’m so sorry you lived through all that.

      2. Media Monkey*

        I really wasnt looking for validation – i am really happy that she came to us about this and thst we can talk about things like this. Im not sure i would have spoke to my parents about anything like that.

        I have been explicit that this is nothing to be ashamed of and she luckily hadn’t taken it that way. She’s very much her own person and I wouldn’t change that at all!

    13. Alex*

      I don’t want to pile on the “don’t tell her to keep it a secret” but I do want to point out that she may not have been thinking of it as anything but something to celebrate. I mean, I wasn’t there, but how did she bring it up? Because really, her own ability to reflect on who she is and the fact that she wanted to share it with you is something to celebrate! That she is attracted to both boys and girls isn’t a confession or a shameful secret–it’s who she is (even if it isn’t who she is when she’s 25).

      I’d treat this as if she told you that she has a crush on a boy. Treat it as a default way of being, because every way of being should be as valid as a default way of being.

      And yeah, maybe she will be teased for liking a girl? (Although depending on her peer group, it’s very likely she won’t be.) But she could be teased for a million billion things. Some kids are teased for being super smart. You wouldn’t tell her to keep her hand down in class in case people realized how smart she was, would you?

      Like others, I suggest you backtrack on this piece of advice. My own version of a script might be “I am so glad that you came and talked to me about liking girls. It makes me feel really good that you wanted to share that with me. I love you so much and I want to be able to know as much about you as you’d like to share, so thank you. I’m so proud of you. After reflecting on our conversation, I realized that I may have been wrong to tell you to keep it to yourself. If there are other people in your life you want to share this with, you should be able to do that. It’s sometimes a little bit harder for people who aren’t straight in this world, but I know you’re going to find people who like you for who you are. You’re a wonderful person and you don’t ever have to pretend to be someone else.”

      1. Media Monkey*

        Thank you. I have dialled back on that advice and made it clear that its nothing to be ashamed of. Luckily she hadnt taken it that way. Great script and i will totally steals bits of it for inevitable.future conversations!

    14. Grace*

      Other people have already touched on the things I want to say with regards to the ‘keeping it a secret’ thing.

      I’m bi, and figured it out properly when I was 16 – but I knew before that. Like, long before that. I just didn’t have the words to talk about it, and even after I did have the words, I didn’t realise that they applied to me.

      (Girls are cute, right? That’s common sense. Everyone thinks that. Wanting to cuddle with girls and hold hands with them and kiss them and, yes, be sexual with them, didn’t mean that I wasn’t straight? Right? Everyone wants to do that? Surprise, baby gay me, straight girls don’t want to kiss other girls.)

      If I’d known at eleven that being bi was an option, and had I actually understood that I was not the norm in wanting to snuggle with and kiss girls (I facepalm so much at the fact I thought I was straight for so long), yes, I would 100% have identified as bi at that age. Younger, even. I wanted to watch specific TV shows and films because of the female characters from the age of about six or seven, and the women that I thought were pretty at that age align very closely to my current interests.

    15. Junior Dev*

      Re: “did you know this young” I think you may be getting hung up on the word “sex” in bisexual. Put that aside for a minute. Think back to the media even the smallest kids consume—how common is it to see a prince kissing a princess in movies? To move through the world with the understanding that marriage and babies happen “when a man and a woman love each other very much”? To see people advertising their opposite-gender marriages with engagement and wedding rings, wedding pictures, holding hands in public? Being gay or lesbian or bisexual or pansexual isn’t only a “sex thing”—it’s about the whole spectrum of experiences around love and romance and intimacy, and it’s the sort of experiences that are normalized for straight people as soon as they’re able to understand anything.

      Your daughter doesn’t need to be interested in having sex to be thinking about her sexuality. All she needs is to know that mommy and daddy live together, kiss, support each other, and think “maybe I’d like to have that with another girl when I grow up.”

    16. Pony tailed wonder*

      I am neither a parent nor bisexual but I would say to give both of you a lot of room to make mistakes and learn from them. Just keep the lines of communication open and keep listening. I also think that there is a lot of value in finding an online group of parents of bi kids/teens. They might clue you in on things to think about and talk over, like for instance should sleep overs be handled differently or some such. Lastly, I am happy that she loved and trusted you enough to start a tough conversation with you.

      1. Media Monkey*

        Thanks. I know I have made.mistakes in how to handle this (but totally out of leftfield with no time.to think about how to get it right as with so many parenting decisions!). I am very happy that she trusted me enough to have the conversation !

    17. Agnodike*

      I knew I was bisexual from age 10, but I didn’t have the language to describe it. Luckily, my parents were early internet adopters, and I had the resources at my disposal to figure it out. When I learned that there was a word for how I felt, I was so excited! Then I told my dad, who told me “Well, until you’re having any kind of sex with anyone, I wouldn’t go around saying stuff like that.” I struggled with my identity until my 20s because I felt like I wasn’t “really” bisexual if I wasn’t, like, 50-50 having sex with men and women and, thanks to the way my dad handled it, that people would think I was foolish if I identified myself without having, I don’t know, bisexual bona fides?

      As a adult, I’ve encountered LOTS of “just try to pass for straight, OK?” and it’s always made me feel like who I am is something shameful. I think it’s well worth it to reopen the conversation with your kid and make it clear that who she is isn’t something to hide, but that bigotry exists in the world and she should be deliberate about evaluating whether the people around her are safe and kind.

      You can’t protect your kid from homophobia by asking her to hide her bisexuality; she’ll still be bisexual, and all the homophobia she sees around her will still impact her even if it’s not directed at her.

      1. Ethyl*

        “I struggled with my identity until my 20s because I felt like I wasn’t “really” bisexual if I wasn’t, like, 50-50 having sex with men and women and, thanks to the way my dad handled it, that people would think I was foolish if I identified myself without having, I don’t know, bisexual bona fides?”

        I’m in my 40s and STILL have days where I don’t feel bisexual “enough” to “count”!

        1. Anon Here*

          In my 20’s, I decided I just don’t want to put a label on my sexual orientation. I like adult humans. I leave it at that.

    18. Media Monkey*

      Hi all. Thanks so much for all your thought/ advice/ experiences – I didn’t expect nearly so many replies so thanks to everyone that took the time!
      To answer a few of the main points raised and expand a bit on the reasons:
      – it is absolutely an ongoing conversation and we have talked about it a few times this week, so I definitely can and absolutely will dial back the advice to keep it to herself. In my defence, I couched it as if you’re not completely sure, why not think about it to he sure before you tell people. I didn’t suggest she should be ashamed and I don’t believe that is what she has taken from it but I will definitely be explicit about that.
      – we are in the UK and she has just started secondary school. She’s been there 6 weeks and so a lot of her friends haven’t known her long. She had a small issue with being on the outside a lot at her previous school. She’s settled brilliantly at this new school and made.loads of friends so I guess I didn’t want to rock the boat with new people until they know her better.
      – thanks for the recommendations on resources. I’ll check out scarlateen. Im not sure what PFLAG is or if we have it in the UK but I will Google!
      – re talking if she is planning to get physical, she is the kind of child that probably would talk to us about it (and I was absolutely not that child myself). This was part of our ongoing chats regarding changing bodies, feelings, consent and so on. I know there will come a point when she’ll stop talking but I’m making the most of taking her lead with the conversation and going at her pace while she is still young.

      I’ll try and respond to other points specifically but it’s late so it might be tomorrow.!

      1. Agnodike*

        PFLAG is Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gay children and it absolutely exists in the UK! You can find local support groups through their website, as well as a bunch of information and advice on supporting your kid.

        I actually think that a new school is the perfect place to “test the waters,” because nobody will have preconceived ideas about your kid. It’s hard if you’ve been with the same cohort all your life, because your peers’ perceptions of you are informed by their long history with you, but if her new friends are still getting to know her, this is just one of many things they can get to know! Also I really encourage you to interrogate your immediate response that finding out about her bisexuality will “rock the boat” with her new friends. I teach sexual health to preteens and teens and I generally find them really accepting of queer identities; definitely not how it was when I was growing up! I’m sure this really varies between communities, but maybe don’t assume that her friends will view her bisexuality in a negative light. (Do you view her bisexuality in a negative light?)

        I know you haven’t said “you should be ashamed,” but it’s really hard for a kid to hear a parent say “hide this thing about yourself because people will react negatively if they know it about you” and not get that subtext.

        1. Media Monkey*

          Thanks. Really good points. I dont think bisexuality is anything to be ashamed of and I am really.glad.that times have changed and things are easier now than when I was at school. Probably the thought of.how it would have been to come out as anything but straight when I was 11 is colouring how I have suggested to her. Appreciate the perspective on kids and teens nowadays!

    19. fiverx313*

      i knew when i was five years old. i would go back to that conversation and clarify with her that the only reason she would need to touch base with you before doing something physical is to get birth control and other protection, and that you want to make sure she’s safe. i’m assuming you’ve had basic talks about that before, but if not this would be a good time. i would also go back and clarify that if she’s open about who she is, she might get pushback and you want to support her in proceeding how she feels best… i think if my parents had suggested i keep it quiet without any further context i would feel like they were ashamed. thank you for being so accepting and for reaching out to ask questions.

      1. Media Monkey*

        I think she understands that any conversation would be about her safety and not about talking her out of it! We have had chats about sex but not talked too much about birth control although she is aware of it.

        She definitely didn’t take from the original chat that I thought she should be ashamed thankfully! And I have clarified that now as well. Thank you!

    20. Alexandra Lynch*

      I knew. It was a little confusing and disconcerting because it really wasn’t a thing that was talked about when I was young.

      I now personally identify as sapiosexual and pansexual, because if I like someone’s brains and personality I’m perfectly okay with whatever configuration I find in their pants.

    21. ..Kat..*

      For what it’s worth, I am middle aged (as in things were very different when I was 11 years old.). If you had asked me if I liked boys or girls back then, I would have said both. Because I was happy to be friends with both boys and girls! Nothing to do with sexual attraction.

      Just wanted to say this because 11 year old kids are both more knowledgeable than I was at this age. But, they can also significantly misunderstand what something “adult” means.

      1. Media Monkey*

        Fair point. I think kids are exposed to so mich more and understand so much more than we did at that age. But they are still kids and we do put a lot on their shoulders.

    22. Person from the Resume*

      She’s unlikely to want to chat with you before she gets physical with someone. You need to educate yourself as a parent and be prepared to give the sex and consent and relationship talk with the assumption she will have sex and relationships with both boys/men and girls/women. It’s not what you were expecting but there’s resources to help you. And you need to do it ASAP. I hope a 12 year old has already gotten the the sex talk but I’m sure it was all about heterosexual sex because heteronormativity (sucks!).

      As everyone else said asking her to keep it quiet was not great especially if she didn’t ask you for the advice. But she knows she’s bisexual because of feeling and crushes she’s had. By not telling anyone you’re asking her to potentially hide or lie a part of herself … kids talk about crushes and attractive actors all the time. I’m not saying that she should start wearing the Pride flag everywhere and telling everyone but the way you described asking her makes it sound like like a shameful secret you want her to hide.

      1. Media Monkey*

        She has had the sex talk (but sure it was from a hetero point of view at school as well as at home) so I definitely do need to educate myself on speaking to her about the ladies side so to speak!

        Luckily she didn’t take it that she should be hiding something shameful and we have talked further to reinforce that today! Thank you!

    23. Mary Connell*

      A counter-argument to the sentiments here that a child’s sexual development should be carried out publicly. Western culture is at once hyper-sexualized and prudish and when you mix in the growing homophobia and transphobia associated with growing authoritarianism around the world, give children some space. Give them warm support and resources, but don’t expect them to do an adult’s work of advocacy and anti-bullying in public.

    24. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I knew from just around puberty that I was bi. I didn’t understand or tell anyone. It says a lot (of good things) that she’s shared this with you.

      1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Also she doesn’t need to tell anyone for them to figure it out… kids have good radar for the “different” ones. So closet’ing is going to be worse than being open and embracing her sexuality.

        Everyone assumed I was a lesbian from very young. Despite the fact that they were only half right. And that screwed my head up more because I kept insisting I liked boys. “Yeah…sure you do.” Sort of garbage was thrown around and boys were grossed out during their early development stages by these rumors or whatever they were.

        So…it made me an anxious hermit until I was almost 30.

        So please take this weirdo story of mine as something to crunch on when it comes to her being free of hiding. She’ll be judged no matter what she says or doesn’t say. Being free from lies and internalized shame is powerful.

    25. Another Mom*

      Media Monkey, I understand all of this. I can relate to wanting to protect your child and wondering if it’s a phase. But this isn’t your story and you can’t control the telling. Have you heard the expression that having a child is learning to live with your heart walking around outside your body? Well, having a GLBT child is like having your heart and your liver outside your body. There’s an extra danger and you just have to learn to live with it. My child came out to their friends in a very public and uncontrolled way. I found out afterwards and it floored me. I was side-eyeing parents for weeks. It all turned out fine, our community is cooler than I had hoped, but the act was full of optimism and naievete, and it could have ended badly. They’re now working on telling family and it’s nerve-wracking. But my role is to sit on the sidelines looking loving and supportive.

      Kids go through lots of phases and you can get lulled into thinking a child who changes their future occupations hourly will also change their mind about other things. And some will. But many won’t. And changing your mind about your sexuality isn’t so much changing your mind–it’s just…changing. It doesn’t mean they were wrong before and weren’t actually bisexual. It just means that they’re something else now.

      Talk to your daughter and tell her you’ve thought about what you said and tell her what you wish you had said and why. This is a huge learning experience for everyone. The best thing to do is to keep the communication lines open and admit when you’ve made a mistake.

      1. Media Monkey*

        thank you. i have had another conversation and luckily she hadn’t taken it as something she should be ashamed of. we are chatting all the time about it.

        found out last night she has a new boyfriend (“and he’s bi too”) so clearly sounds like i was too quick to rush to judge her friends for not being cool about it!

  5. Amethyst*

    Google isn’t helping so I thought I’d try here. What can I use in place of red dye to make edible fake blood? This is going on top of cupcakes for decoration.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Beet juice? Either puree them, or buy a few cans and use the juice, maybe? I’ve never done it, but I know just from eating them that the juice doesn’t seem to dilute its color as easily as you’d think. It’s fairly neutral-sweet in small quantities, especially if it was mixed into icing.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Good idea! I know it dyes my carpet really well. (No, no, no, Puppy, you cannot eat that beet on the living room carpet! too late, sigh.)

    4. Lcsa99*

      Beet juice or cranberry juice mixed into corn syrup? I am sure the beet juice would work. Not sure about cranberry juice.

      What are you gonna use it on? If it’s for adult you could try red wine too.

      1. Amethyst*

        It’s going to be chocolate cupcakes with either buttercream or swiss meringue buttercream (haven’t decided) frosting. These are for a work Halloween party.

        I’ve never had beet juice before. How does it taste? Would it work well in combination with the frosting & chocolate?

        1. AnonEMoose*

          Some people put grated beets in chocolate cake for additional moisture/darker color. So a small amount of beet juice in the icing should be fine :-)!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Beets can be used as a sweetener also. So you may want to add sugar slowly and taste test as you go.

          You can also ask this question at a health food store, they will probably have ideas also.

    5. Sled dog mama*

      I’d steer clear of beet juice unless it’s an ingredient in an all natural food coloring. Just using the beet juice could result in some crazy stains.
      There are actually all natural food colorings out there that have beet juice in them but have it treated so it doesn’t stain (as badly).

      2. Amethyst*

        Good to know! I don’t think anyone would appreciate having their clothes permanently stained from eating my cupcakes.

    6. Christmas*

      Red velvet syrup. Most realistic and palatable fake blood I’ve used was made out of red velvet syrup.

    7. ThatGirl*

      Use red decorating gel, although be aware it won’t dry.

      Unless you want to avoid red food coloring, in which case I have no suggestions :)

    8. Policy wonk*

      I’d use red licorice or red vines if it’s meant to be a flow, or other red candy that can make the design you want.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      What’s the specific problem with red dye? I ran into one person who though the only red dye was cochineal/carmine, but there’s others. (I’ve forgotten more than I still remember LOL.)

      The website thekitchn dot com had this at Valentine’sDay, but I don’t know how red-red they get.
      “1. Hibiscus flowers steeped in a bit of hot water until cooled
      2. Boiled cranberries (as outlined at Stretcher.com)
      3. Red beet juice
      4. Red beet powder
      5. Pomegranate juice”

      1. ThatGirl*

        There are many artificial red dyes, not derived from beetles, but I also know some people avoid some or all red dyes.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Exactly, and th as the answer makes a difference in whether or not my (and others) idea of melting candy would work.

      2. Amethyst*

        My problem with red dye is that the taste is disgusting, which is why I want to avoid using it in fake blood.

        I’ve had frostings and cakes where there was so much red dye used to color it exactly where they wanted the shade that that was all I could taste. I want to completely avoid this scenario.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Gotcha. I’d go with raspberry jelly then, myself.
          There are several kinds available, they don’t all taste.

    10. knead me seymour*

      I’d use strawberry or raspberry jelly if it were me, because they’re delicious. Depends on whether you’re more concerned about it looking right or tasting good, though.

      1. knead me seymour*

        I would also add a pipette or some vampire fangs or some other accessory to sell the idea, so the blood-like consistency of the fake blood isn’t as essential.

    12. Worked in IT forever*

      You can buy seedless raspberry jam. I use it in one of my bar cookie recipes. It’s easier to work with if you spoon it out of the jar into a bowl and then stir it really well. That kind of liquifies it and makes it smooth.

      1. Koala dreams*

        I’m also thinking jam. Raspberry, strawberry, or some other red jam. It’s a good gooey texture.

  6. Scared cat*

    We seem to have a lot of cat people here, and I could use some advice. Two weeks ago, I had some electrical work that involved cutting into drywall done. This understandably spoked my cat. But he hasn’t come up from the finished basement sense. The one time I tried to bring him up, he hid under the couch until he could run back downstairs. Any ideas on how I make him comfortable in the rest of the house, and encourage him to come up from the basement?

    1. Bagpuss*

      time and patience.
      You might find a feliway or similar diffuser helps, and perhaps trying to gradually encourage him – can you spend time in the basement and then sit on the stairs , so you are gradually encouraging him to feel safe moving back towards the house.

      I would treat it as you would if you had moved house – let him have somewhere he feels safe, and explore gradually from there, and encourage him with treats and play without forcing him.

    2. Red Sky*

      My cat was also spooked by workers and loud noises when we were doing renovations. What seemed to help was carrying him and talking to him while taking him on a tour of the house to show him everyone was gone. We went into every room and opened every closet so he could see there were no more strange men in his territory. Caveat, my cat was comfortable being held and knew if he indicated he wanted to be let go I’d set him down, if your’s isn’t, this might stress him out more.

      2. Gatomon*

        I have to do the same thing with my cat! I have lead him around the house to prove that everyone has left or he just won’t come out of hiding. He usually doesn’t let me carry him though, so I have to give him some good chin scratches and hugs before he feels brave enough to try exploring.

    3. Venus*

      Agreed that Feliway tends to work well in these types of situations.

      Also, if you can, I would suggest putting food upstairs and leaving it out for the cat to eat at night. Cats tend to be more active at night, and the food will draw them upstairs, and they will see that everything is back to normal so they will hopefully return back upstairs after a few days.

    4. cat socks*

      Definitely some time and patience. If he enjoys playing, you can try and draw him out with a feather or wand toy. Maybe try dragging it up the stairs to see if that catches his attention.

    5. Blarg*

      Time. My cat scared herself in a big way at our new apartment and spent about a month refusing to come upstairs to the bedroom. This was heartbreaking for me as we’d recently lost our other cat so I went from two kitties in the bed to zero. She had no issues with me, and I even slept on the couch with her some nights. And then one day … she came back upstairs. She didn’t stay long. But she did it. And the next day, she slept in the bed with me and has been fine ever since. But it was AWFUL and I was so scared she’d never go back upstairs and felt so lonely.

      Good luck! Just give your kitty time to forget/whatever it is they do. Trying to force them out just seems to prolong the process even though it makes perfect sense to us.

  7. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Big number birthdays are hard on a kid when your parents are stressed at work, not sleeping well, and distracted by house issues. My husband & I have just been too tired to do any planning…and our daughter’s 13th birthday crept up on us like bad underwear. I’m normally an enthusiastic (if inept) birthday party planner. But insomnia is winning!

    1. WellRed*

      At 13 your daughter is old enough to participate in the planning. Would that help? She’s also old enough to understand life happens so unless she’s overly upset, assume she understands that, even if she’s a bit disappointed.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        It boggles my mind that no one in her group of friends talks on the phone. It’s all texting, and my daughter doesn’t have a cell phone. (Long irrelevant story, a large part is for her to not lose things first LOL.)
        I had a brainstorm though…movie night with 2 friends from the elementary school who are in different school district’s now.
        Crisis averted, but you’re right, I’ve got to get her planning too.

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      Could you let her be Queen Bee for the day, and let her run the show?

      Trip to mall with friends

      Out to eat with friends with birthday dessert there.

      Movie/movie night back home with possible sleep over

      One horrible Christmas, I was very ill. I didn’t have enough brain cells to do a proper Christmas for my niece. I made up 12 vouchers that had different things like “going out to eat”, “movie date”, “shopping trip”…you get the idea. She could turn them in with so many days heads up. She LOVED it. You could try that with your daughter.

    4. Caterpie*

      Around that age my parents let me choose between a party or a larger gift, is that something you could offer? That way if she chooses larger gift all you have to do is order/buy it, and if she wants the party she can take on part of the role in planning it.

    5. cat socks*

      At that age, I just wanted to spend time with my friends. Sometimes we would go to the fancy mall downtown and then come back for a sleepover. It was nice to have a cake and blow out some candles, but I didn’t care for an actual party.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My parents used to pay for me to go out to a semi-nice restaurant with three of my friends for my birthday when I was that age. (Basically, we went to the nicest restaurant in our regular rotation of places we ate at as a family. It was someplace where they knew I knew how to behave unsupervised and which things I liked to eat off of the menu, but which read “special occasion” to me.) I can’t remember now if my parents got a separate table and stayed or just dropped us off. (Probably the latter, since my friends and I had been going out to less-fancy restaurants without adults for a few years at that point.)

      It felt very “grown up” to me at the time, and was less anxiety than trying to figure out where to draw the friend/acquaintance line for an actual party now that I was old enough that it no longer made sense to just invite the whole class.

    7. Let them live*

      Honestly, 13 is old enough to have their own phone. Of course they’re texting and not talking on the phone! Why is this a surprise?! You’re stifling them by insisting that everything goes through you. Let them live and back off a bit.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Nothing has to go through me, we hsve a land line and she has email.
        But are you offering to pay for it and it’s replacements? She’s gone through 4 watches in 2 years.

        1. Kyrielle*

          Maybe get her a Google Voice number? It’s not a phone that can be lost, but it looks like – and I don’t use the thing – it looks like it does support texting.

  8. What to do tonight?*

    So I’ve asked kid’s dad to have kid tonight because I wanted to go out. It’s a local queer indie night that happens once a quarter. I’ve been once before and enjoyed it. I didn’t know anyone but met some people in the queue to get in and they were nice.

    Now it’s tonight and I’ve planned my life to go… but I find I don’t wanna. :-| I’m feeling sorry for myself for reasons related to work and also not getting voted in for something I wanted to do. I usually really enjoy dancing and I don’t get to go out dancing very often (and next to never go to indie nights so it’s a nice change). I’ll probably feel better if I go… but I’m scared that I’ll just feel lost and alone. Also it’s not cheap to get in and I’ll have to get a post-midnight taxi on my own. None of my friends are interested in going. But this might be a chance to meet some more LGBT+ people?

    Having said that, I could message the woman I met in the queue last time. But – I don’t want to. I had a bit of a crush on one of her friends and asked if he was bi but apparently not, 100% gay, so I guess I feel too stupid to message her :-(

    I’m scared I’ll feel utterly miserable either way. I don’t want to waste a Saturday night without the kid. But maybe I should just stay in and look after myself. Help??

    1. Christy*

      you sound like you’re having a hard time. I think you wrote this because you want to be told to go. And I think you should go! You can always leave if you’re not having fun.

      And for me, I don’t think wallowing alone has ever helped me. Being around other people usually helps, even if I start grumpy.

      And as an aside, spending time fully alone at home isn’t a waste! You can eat charcuterie for dinner and watch your favorite trashy tv and eat ice cream and consciously relax. It just doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going to happen if you stay home tonight—you’ll just be sad and upset with yourself. That’s why I say go out.

      1. Shiny Flygon*

        Thanks. I was erring on the side of it being better to be dancing and miserable (better chance of cheering up) than in and miserable but it does help having someone else say it!

        Fwiw, I’m also finding that no one on dating apps wants to go dancing. Maybe if I actually go dancing I’ve got a higher chance of finding someone who likes that?! Haha.

        1. valentine*

          Maybe if I actually go dancing I’ve got a higher chance of finding someone who likes that?!
          This is a great point. Sometimes you have to do the thing before you can plan the thing.

          I say go and maybe leave before midnight, if that makes you feel better. Or treat it like a service window. You don’t have to arrive when it starts or stay until it ends. Give yourself permission. But a night without the kid isn’t wasted. It’s your night, whatever happens. Let yourself have breathing room.

          And the person you’re reluctant to text probably took it in stride. No need to feel bad.

    2. WellRed*

      Go! You’ll feel better and shake off your current mood. If you aren’t enjoying it, leave. I’ve gotten very good at that last bit as I get older.

    3. Ethyl*

      Would taking a little bit of time to “stay in” and take care of yourself *before* you go out help? Maybe listen to some chill music or a guided meditation, do a face mask, paint your toenails, watch something you don’t usually get to watch, and THEN get dressed and go dancing? That way you get the best of both worlds! And maybe will shake up your mood enough to where you actually want to go out :)

      And fwiw, if I were the person you met and had asked me about someone you were attracted to, I wouldn’t think you were stupid or bad or anything. I think as queer people, that type of awkwardness is much more common and expected and nothing to be ashamed of, since you don’t always know how a given person identifies. I bet that call is coming from inside the house if you know what I mean :)

      1. Ethyl*

        Also you just reminded me to check the calendar of one of the local queer bars to see if they’re having another dance night soon :)

      2. Shiny Flygon*

        Thank you so much for picking up on that last bit. I’ve been internally criticising myself ever since. He seemed quite flirty early on so I was embarrassed to get it so wrong. Thanks for helping me put it into perspective.

        Good idea. Kid is going to his dad in an hour or so, I’ll put some nail varnish on. Bi nails ftw!

        1. AnonEMoose*

          For what it’s worth, I am straight, married, and monogamous. But I am also heavily involved in local science fiction/fandom circles, and there is a LOT of overlap with the local LBGTQ+ community, there are lots of polyamorous folks, and a lot of unique relationship structures.

          So I’ve been asked more than once if I’m bi, or if my DH and I are polyamorous, and so on. I’ve never been upset or offended, or thought less of the person who asked (because everyone who has asked has been respectful and graciously accepted “no” for an answer).

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m glad you’re leaning toward going. I used to have similar issues about going to events by myself. What I used to do was give myself permission to leave if I wanted to (no “sunk costs” fallacy, no beating myself up for “wasting” the time/babysitting/money), but I’d also give myself a goal before I would leave. Like, I’ll have one drink. Or, I’ll talk to one person I haven’t met yet. Or, I’ll dance once by myself. After that, I’d already had the experience that I’d committed to having, I was free to stay or leave.

      Also, I tried to have some nice treat waiting for me at home. I like books and snacks, so it was usually some combination of those. But I found that whether I had a good time out, or a not-so-good time out, sometimes it felt like something of a letdown to come home after, so I liked to make that a bit of a special event as well.

    5. T3k*

      Being extremely introverted, I do this to myself a lot as well. There’s a meetup once a month I go to but every time it rolls around the internal struggle is always the same along the lines of “what if it’s not fun?” or “what if I find no one to talk to?” etc. but I usually end of making myself go anyways (exceptions are if I really do need to catch up on rest or homework) and every time I’ve eventually found others to talk to and ended up enjoying the night out. So I say unless you really need to catch some extra sleep, go have fun! You can always leave early if you’re not :)

    6. What I did tonight!*

      So I’m a surprise twist, at about 4pm today I joined a local lesbian meetup.com group and they had a meet tonight. So I went along to that, had a great evening with them and met some really nice people, then left soon after 10 to go to my night out. A nice woman realised I was there on my own and pulled me over to dance with her and her friends, so I even had people to dance with! Hurrah!

      (One of her friends was lovely but I completely failed to get her number though. Oh well, maybe next time!)

      Thanks all for your encouragement, it helped offset one of my friends who said not to go on Facebook.

      1. What I did tonight!*

        I can do that the other nights the kid is with his dad, though. I hate quarterly nights out, there’s so much pressure to go and have fun! Internal pressure, but still.

  9. Autumn leaves*

    I am wondering if anyone here has some experience with this. I have a son who has suffered throughout high school since fairly early in 9th grade (that was the start). We don’t know why. He has been dealing with anxiety, depression, ADD. He is very bright, hates School and is a little bit socially awkward. His grades have been all over the place (certainly not great) but his SATs are very good. Unfortunately our school system is highly competitive which adds to the stress here. He is interested in computer science and or video game design for college.

    He has finally decided that he is not interested in a gap year because it wouldn’t give him much. As his parent, I do not know how to handle the college process with him. (We do have support) There are a couple of private colleges which have good programs for him and he could actually get in but they are very expensive. Does anyone have experience with a child like this who has done fine in college?

    I am hesitant to believe that he will pull it together in college. Maybe it happens? Underachievers finding their way in the college years?

    1. mreasy*

      I went to college with a lot of kids like this! There is definitely hope. Though I wish he’d consider a gap year.

    2. Christy*

      My wife really needed her two years of community college to get herself ready for a four-year school. She says she wouldn’t have done as well if she’d gone straight through. And she did well in both places!

      1. Overeducated*

        My sister did this too. The idea of community college for a smart kid seeing most of her friends move away was not appealing, so she tried a semester at a four year school a few hours away but just wasn’t ready in terms of emotional support, ADD coping and time management skills for schoolwork and class, etc. It was just a lot to figure out on her own in a new environment.

      3. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        Since he is bright and the school is boring him, could he graduate HS early or do a dual-enrollment degree at the community college? A lot of CCs offer you dual high school/associate’s degree enrollment program.

        1. ..Kat..*

          I have a friend with a daughter who is doing this type of program and it is perfect for her. She is really doing well. Also, community colleges are cheaper and could allow you to save up money for the expensive, private colleges to finish off a 4 year degree.

      4. Rock Prof*

        My husband was like your son. He had excellent SATs and mediocre but very mixed grades, with ADHD and depression. He dropped out (was on academic calendar probation after his first semester and left after that) his first time around. He took a couple classes here and there at CCs and worked a wide variety of jobs. After 1.5 years, he went back to the same school and did fine. (He also meet me his second time around, so I like to take credit for his success but it’s probably just maturity.)
        Now at a regional university, I see quite a few students like him at my school as their fallback after failing out of a bigger name school. Most of them do well, some keep doing the same stuff they’ve been doing, but it’s entirely possible for just a year or two of maturing and experience to make a huge difference. It’s also possible to go back to school after many, many years, which is a thing that was never spoking of in our high achieving high school circles.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Nothing wrong with being very bright and a bit socially awkward! And U.S. high school (I’m assuming you are in the U.S.?) can be a tough time, thanks to the nonsense about it from some parts of popular culture and/or the school itself. I’m talking about the stereotypes about mean girls, queen bees, underage drinking/drugs/sex, disproportionate value assigned to kids with sports skills, etc. U.S. culture can be tough on kids who don’t conform to so-called “normal expectations” (or parents of said kids). It’s ridiculous but it can be real.

      IF you’re working with a college process professional, that person should have access to information about kids who learn differently.

      How about having your son start as a community college student? You don’t need to be a whiz-bang straight A student with 100 friends and a mile-long list of extracurricular activities. Some of the community colleges are well-known for their supportive services for students who learn differently / have learning disabilities / had special education supports in high school. (In the U.S. these students access the service through an IEP (individualized education plan) or 504 plan. Federal law requires all public schools to give all students a free and appropriate-to-their-skills education. The theory doesn’t always translate into reality, but that’s the idea.)

      See if you can connect with parents of other students with similar concerns. You and your son might find kindred spirits in the special education community–either at school or through groups like CHADD. Look up Wrightslaw (dot) com although I don’t know if their information goes beyond the U.S. kindergarten-through-high school years.

      As for the local competitive-ness and stress, I would ignore it except to push back by promoting the following two ideas to your son:
      1) Everybody does not have to leave home for Harvard, Yale, or [insert other prestigious college/university of your choice]. There are good schools all over the place where a person can get a good education.
      2) Plenty of reasonable, functional, happy adults–including me–attended college while living at home with their parents for part or all of the time to complete their education.
      Actually, the more we work to calm down the college process the happier all parents and children will be. It’s a hard world for young people. We should not make it harder than necessary.

    4. Fikly*

      I was your son.

      I went to that highly competitive, nationally ranked, public high school, where the entire four years was about what college are you going to?

      My grades…I was just naturally smart enough in high school to cover for the learning difficulties I had, and tested extremely well on SATs and other standardized testing. I went to an expensive private college and it all fell apart. I didn’t know what learning difficulties I had, or that I even had them, I had always been told that I was smart, so I thought it was all my fault because I was a lazy bad person.

      I would strongly recommend looking into how he learns, and what is going on with his school work now, before you are spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a college degree. Likely there is something going on, and likely it is something that can be helped! Underachievers are usually underachieving for a reason, especially “smart” kids who test well but don’t do well with grades.

      Also, at this point in my life (mid-30s, with a college degree, finally, after a decade of physical health issues that kept me from work or school throughout my 20s) I think degrees from expensive colleges are highly overrated. There’s little evidence they turn into a better paying career. Unless you’ve been saving all your life, it’s just debt. Get the college degree, yes, but get it somewhere it won’t screw either of you over for the rest of your lives, and only get it once you know he has had the assessment and skills to succeed academically. Because one, it will cost less, but more importantly, because the trauma at failing is pretty scarring.

      1. assistant alpaca attendant*

        Maybe have him try some free online college courses like edX or Coursera? It will give him a sense of what college courses are like and many socially awkward folks do well online since there is less social pressure and you can think through your responses to class discussions, etc.

        1. Lady Jay*

          Actual college teacher here. If you want to take Coursera courses, fine, but please don’t do so under the assumption that they simulate what it would be like to actually enroll in college. Because they are 1) online, 2) have massive enrollment, and 3) are often, though not always, self-paced, they’re very different from being “in college” and they deny the opportunity to connect with profs/fellow students in ways that shape people’s interests.

          If you’re looking for a “zero entry” to college, try your local community college instead for cheaper access with the resources and environment of a “real” college.

          1. assistant alpaca attendant*

            Thanks for the info. I meant more as a way to preview college level content/lectures to gague interest and seeing if online courses might be an option. There are fully degree online programs and hybrid programs where you do some of both so you still get some in person experience. You have to be very self directed for online but it helps some people I know with anxiety and taking classes while working etc.

            1. Lady Jay*

              Sure, and I teach some online courses, albeit full-credit ones; those tend to be more structured and engaging than Coursera, where you’re basically granted access to the material and testing without a lot of input.

              I’m not trying to rain on Coursera, really! Any access to learning materials, especially for people who are anxious or just want to learn on their own time, is great! But the structure/pace/engagement means that for somebody who may be thinking about what they want to study in college, whether college is “for them,” it’s not a really accurate preview; community college or a for-credit online course would be better for that.

    5. Policy wonk*

      Kids are still in school, so can’t say it’s worked yet, but two of mine started at a community college as well. Got to try out college level work without the hyper-competitive atmosphere and the struggles of time management that come from being away from home. Depending on your student’s needs, when they trznsfer to a 4-year school you should consider getting them an academic coach of some kind.

    6. Autumn leaves*

      Thanks to all for your kind responses. He isn’t special needs or on the spectrum. Its always nice to have gather other ideas

    7. Alex*

      He sounds kind of like me re: struggling emotionally in high school in a highly competitive environment with an ADD diagnosis (and in my case, undiagnosed depression) and social awkwardness, inconsistent grades and good SAT scores.I wouldn’t say it really got better in college but I did make it through.

      The good news is that unlike me he has an academic interest! That’s great. I think it might be helpful if you talk with him at length about what he wants his college experience to look like and listen to what he has to say (rather than, in my case, all the adults in my life telling me what I wanted, which was not at all what I wanted). Is there a reason you are looking at private colleges? I mean, nothing wrong with private colleges but if he doesn’t have the grades to get a scholarship, doesn’t have a clear picture of what he wants out of college, has struggled in high school, and ya’ll aren’t made of money, it may be better to go the community college route at first.

    8. MatKnifeNinja*

      The best thing my friend did for her ADHD/ASD brilliant, socially beyond awkward son was give him two years of community college. It was way way WAY cheaper, lower stakes, and he had the luxury of switching his major around.

      He needed those two years to mature. He transferred to U of Michigan with a full tuition scholarship for the last two years. His degree will say U of M at the end of the day, and no one will really care about the two years of CC. He’s graduating this spring.

      Had he start off at U of M, he would have flamed out like the Hindenburg. He just was not read yet. More the social/executive functioning stuff than actual learning.

      It did suck to hear how everyone else did the humble brag that their kid is going to big deal university. No one tells you how their kid was absolutely not ready to go, and came home during Thanksgiving and didn’t return.

      Something to consider.

      1. Judddddy*

        Ya and it’s only a month of awkward being around braggarts instead of a lifetime of regret. Don’t choose schools based on May chit chat at graduation parties.

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          It’s terrible where I live, because people consider U of Michigan a “fail” school.

          My friend stayed off of social media from April until October for her own sanity. She knew what she was doing was right for her son, and didn’t want the chatty Karen’s dragging her down.

    9. Judddddy*

      It sounds like he’s bored and forced into taking boring gen ed class. I would’ve def been diagnosed with ADD based on behavior if I didn’t get the highest grades in the class. Why not ask him what he wants to do? He doesn’t need college to be a programmer.

      Don’t get student loans, re: my post below.

    10. Anon Here*

      I was like that. I didn’t do well with the structure of school or the social environment. I wanted to be doing actual work and having an actual impact on the world, not taking surprise quizzes and deciding which clique to sit with at lunch. I had big ideas. School made me really depressed.

      Encourage your kid’s career interests. Is he working on projects outside of school? Does he want to? Can he connect with professionals in his areas of interest? I would caution against finding a single mentor for him because one person’s perspective can be skewed. But if he can get his work out there and network a bit, that would be great.

      School, despite its obvious value, is a lot of hoops to jump through. That might get easier when the hoops are seen as steps towards a tangible goal. For example, he has completed a project that has earned him recognition from adults in his desired industry, and he knows what doors will open for him as he attains certain academic credentials.

      Those “extracurricular” interests are really valuable. Look at job postings with him, encourage him to challenge himself outside of school and believe in himself, to develop a portfolio – achievements he can show off. That will really help him in the long run. Grades and the school you start your undergrad work at are less important. He can always transfer to a better school; he’ll probably find it easier to get good grades in college. I know I did.

    11. insufficient coffee*

      I’ve got a great story of a relative who pulled it all together, but it took a 2nd go at college. he went right after high school, but dropped out and worked for several years. Then blew everyone away. (except his mother, who knew he could do it all along :) But I don’t know if that’s a helpful story.

    12. Anono-me*

      I found taking a couple of community college classes the summer between high school and college to be very helpful.

      It eased the transition between high school and college. I also took required classes that were not my strongest areas.
      This ment that I was able to focus on the two of them in a way I wouldn’t have been during a regular semester.

      As your son currently does not want a gap year, this might let him get his feet wet and decide if he wants to charge ahead into college or rethink the Gap year decision.

      (Additionally many US colleges charge per credit hour rather than per semester so taking a couple of General Ed requirements at the local Community College could save some money.)

    13. AnonoDoc*

      This was me in High School.

      Long before “gap years” were a thing I worked for a year after high school. I did it mostly because I couldn’t afford to go straight to college, but it also really helped me with my motivation and maturity when I did go to college.

    14. Not A Manager*

      I had this issue with my child. This is going to maybe sound harsh, but here is what I ultimately decided: He might not be “interested” in a gap year because “it wouldn’t give him much,” but this is not actually his unilateral decision. I know that is so counter to all of the college-prep thinking that you might have encountered (let them do their own applications! They can apply wherever they want so long as you’re clear with them about finances! They get to pick their own major, Mom!) All of that is true, but when it comes to you actually forking over a lot of money for private tuition, that’s an investment, and you get to decide if that’s a good investment to make at this time.

      If you think that he’s really not ready for the kind of college experience that he says he wants, you get to decide that you’re not going to pay for it right now. That doesn’t mean that you’re cutting off all of his autonomy and independence. On the contrary, I would argue that it is enhancing it. If you tell him clearly what your concerns are, and what you need to see from him to alleviate those concerns, then he can decide how he wants to proceed within that framework. Maybe he’ll take a year off and do those things (therapy? working and paying rent to you? a post-high school boarding school year?); maybe he’ll decide to try to finance his college in some other way in order to do it right now; maybe you’ll tell him that you will pay X amount now for him to live at home and go to community college, but not X times a million for him to go to a four-year private college. Whatever your terms are, make them clear so that he has all the information he needs to make his own decision, within that framework.

      I’m skeptical about the “won’t get much out of a gap year.” First of all, I think he might. But secondly, so what? College isn’t a race, and it really doesn’t matter whether he starts on his post-college life at age 22 or at age 23.

    15. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Some underachievers do find their way in college, but others definitely don’t! I worked much harder once I was able to choose my own classes, and did better in college because classes had syllabi so I knew exactly how grades would work, but I went into college with really strong “show up every day even if no one makes you go to class” skills. I saw some other underachievers really flounder because they were used to their parents making sure they got up in the morning, went to class, did their homework, kept their grades up, etc., and given the lack of supervision at college they just…didn’t do those things because no one made them.

      My mom told me that I could stay at my SLAC as long as I kept my grades high enough to keep the scholarship they gave me, but that if I couldn’t manage that I’d be living at home and going to community college because the only way we could afford that private SLAC was with a scholarship. For me, that was enough incentive to make sure I was on track, and I kept a close eye on my classes and grades to do what I needed to to keep that scholarship.

      If possible, I recommend a general CS major over a video game specific program just because the video game industry is a pretty terrible place to work, so a lot of people don’t stay in it for their whole career. If he does go general computer science, he might want to find out how applied versus academic the program is. I ended up in a very math-focused academic CS program and graduated with a great set of tools for going to grad school in computer science and picking a research area, but many fewer tools for actually getting a computer-related job with a B.A. I ended up doing something else with my life for a variety of reasons, and the good news is that the types of things I learned are much more still-relevant than if I’d done a more job-focused computer degree, but it wasn’t what I’d had in mind when I picked it out as a high school student who liked to write computer programs.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        The comment about game programming is a good one. It’s a notoriously terrible field to work in, with crappy pay, low job security and long, long hours, so it’s good to have a more general background for if/when you decide you want a life outside of work, and to be able to move out from your parents’ place. I also second the practical vs theoretical aspect – a more theoretical program is great if you want to go to grad school, or into very esoteric researched based work, but not so useful if you want to get a coding job.

        Overall, I also agree with the community college and transfer approach. Shelling out for expensive private university when he hasn’t demonstrated the ability to manage steady work on his own. He might thrive and do well, but there’s also a good chance he’ll flame out badly first, and they don’t give refunds. And doing well on SATs might be good for getting into the program, but isn’t a good indicator of performance after getting there.

        One further note – You don’t need a degree to do programming, but having a BSc or BEng can give you a wider variety of jobs to choose from.

    16. googs*

      Sounds like my little brother at this age, down to the gaming design/computer science. Two years of community college then transferring really helped, he thrived and transferred into a computer sci program at local uni. Good grades, did research project, and now is a software engineer.

    17. Mindovermoneychick*

      Just to throw some encouragement your way, this was me and I turned out ok. There are some things that definitely would have helped me become ok faster and avoid some bumps, but I have to run out the door now. I’ll write a longer post tomorrow with some thoughts.

    18. Birdie*

      I would not invest in an expensive private school for a student who struggles with grades and hates school. Unless of course you are uber rich. Would definitely recommend starting out at community college to get comfortable with higher education and to help him be sure that college is for him. An associates degree doesn’t exactly mean a lucrative job offer in video gaming but it is a good starting point for a bachelor’s and understanding what you want.

    19. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      I’m not a parent or teacher, but this is my 2 cents from someone who went through a demanding high school program with classmates who were naturally bright but burned out, and had various other psychological and life issues, so struggled in school. They eventually found their footing and some of them are now in medical and other high-functioning careers.

      I second people saying community college/low cost colleges – the laziest kid I know dropped out of a 4-yr to go to CC, and is now a doctor!

      But most of all, please please make sure he is getting the mental health support he needs, whether it be counseling, or just a space to talk about his feelings and what he is going through. Something I noticed based on my life so far is that raw intelligence isn’t enough to see a person through a career path – emotional resilience and sound mental health are paramount. It sounds like your kid is naturally brilliant, so I would focus on nurturing his psychological health, which will take care of everything else.

      So many of my classmates (including myself) got condescending lectures about “discipline” and “self-control” when they really needed compassionate guidance on how to take care of themselves and listen to their needs and wants. When kids respect their own needs and feel they can advocate for themselves, they are less likely to be self-destructive IMO.

    20. Beatrice*

      My kid is younger, but similar. He’s in 8th grade now, has struggled with depression, anxiety, and ADD for the last few years, and he’s interested in video game design. I’m hoping he’ll grow out of that interest, or that I can gently steer him toward something more practical. He has a specific private college with a video game design program that he wants to get into. I’ve tried to avoid criticizing that choice, because he’s still in his early teens and has plenty of time to make those decisions, but I’ve talked to him a little bit about evaluating the cost of college and his major choice vs. the potential job prospects and income potential, using my own choices and the choices of people we know to illustrate. And I’ve started talking about what kind of financial support we would be willing/able to offer, vs. where he’d be on his own. Depending on where he is when he finishes high school, a gap year or a year where he works and takes just a class or two at community college might be good for him.

      Does yours have a job yet, Autumn? I remember getting a job changed my worldview dramatically, and I’m hopeful that it’ll mature my son a lot, when he’s old enough.

    21. LJay*

      Honestly, I was the opposite.

      I fell apart in college. All of my issues with anxiety and depression and ADHD came to a head and I essentially failed out because I couldn’t bring myself to go to class.

      In high school being smart enough was enough. I skipped class quite a bit because the teachers would spend tons of time going over things I got pretty much instantaneously, or reviewing things we had learned in 3rd grade and reviewed pretty much every year since. But I showed up for tests, did enough homework, and got pretty much all As.

      In college a lot of my classes had stricter attendance policies than in high school (miss class 3 times and you fail the class). There was a lot of collaborative group work that we were graded on. And so you really needed to show up and engage and participate to get As.

      But sometimes I was too depressed to get out of bed, so then I’d miss class. And then I would feel anxious about missing class/letting my classmates and group members down, so then I would miss the next class. And then I would feel more anxious and guilty. And I wouldn’t see a way to break the cycle. And then I would just miss class for the rest of the semester and fail.

      I wouldn’t suggest community college. I tried that and hated that more. But maybe a fully online degree from a 4 year school. And support from someone who specializes in ADHD to assist him in getting and being organized, prioritizing his workload, strategies on how to get started on tasks when your brain just won’t let you, etc.

    22. Autumn leaves*

      Thank you again. It is a lot to think about but it really is helpful to know we aren’t alone…barely anyone in this town ever talks about anything that isnt perfect. If I had known what “good school system” meant, we probably would have tried to find somewhere different but that’s in the past. I will make sure he applies to a variety of places and next Spring we will see where we stand. Thank you for the kind words

      1. fingers crossed*

        Oh Autumn Leaves, I could have written this! We live in the same sort of town/school system and have the same regrets! it too is too late for us – younger child is a junior but if we could have done it all over again – never would have moved here. We naively thought a “good school system” meant a good education – not a bunch of pressure and comparison and focus on getting into status colleges. So no advice but a ton of commiseration. Good luck to you and your son.

    23. Pandq*

      You described my son 10 years ago. So he did go to community college while living on his own across the bridge from me. He was a mess. He came home for about 6 months and worked minimum wage jobs until he realized he didn’t want that for himself – enrolled in another community college – here in Cali if you take the right classes you get an automatic transfer into the Univ of ry Calif system so that is what he did. He graduated in software engineering and is making very good money now- I bet your kid will figure it out too! I was of little help since I did not go to college.

    24. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I was like this but a girl. Only I didn’t go to school. Standardized education wasn’t in my future for various reasons. I was firmly middle of my class in terms of GPA. Crushed math, computers and science. English was a real SOB. I loathed art or anything creative so I dodged them every time. But was bored and was told I was a dumbass who’d amount to nothing by some cruddy teachers. That’s fantastic to hear as a developing kid who wasn’t dumb by a long shot. I’m just anxious and most likely undiagnosed ADHD.

      I encourage you to try to get him into college via community college or local university that’s close to home to keep helping him as much as possible. But be understanding and ready if he’s not cut out for this track. He may love college. It’s different than high school for damn sure! Or he may still struggle and take longer to graduate or need to so a different route all together. Just be flexible with your expectations.

      My brother was even worse and ended up dropping out of high school and getting his GED.

      As adults we’re both successful and highly regarded in our jobs. Including management positions.

    25. Marie*

      My spouse has adhd and college was a real struggle. His GPA sucked and we graduated in the middle of the Great Recession. He hadn’t studied CS, but something similar enough, and has had a lucrative mostly stable career. C’s get degrees, as they say. I aced my classes but was in the sciences so it took me almost a decade and a career change before I earned as much as my husband.

    26. Pam*

      Community college may be his best start. They generally have vocational programs along with the college prep, so he can start getting hands on in CS/game design, etc.

    27. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      On the gaming aspect–has he thought about taking that gap year to work on a game from start to finish? Maybe get familiar with some of the more popular development engines and see what he likes to do? Depending on how big your city is, there might even be a local indy developer group he can join.

      For community college I’d look at what sort of classes he’d be taking to start. If the requirements are things he’s really not interested in (at least at first), maybe he could do part-time school while he does other things at home to start. That would let him gradually ease into what he’d need to do full-time next year.

      The thing is, he might do just fine in college. My classes were weighted more towards tests and less on homework, so it worked well for those of us that were good at testing but hated doing the homework/lesson review stuff. If he tests well it might not be an issue at all.

      From a personal perspective I might spend this year digging into how he learns and what he disliked about school classes. They might be things that are easily fixed at college. For example, if he was bored at curriculum so he didn’t bother to do the work, he can try to schedule things so he has no/few boring classes in a semester. If it was the homework, he can try to get knowledge from other students (or online) on teaching styles of the professors for the classes he’s taking and make sure they work for him. If it was just the day was too long so he got tired at the end and stopped doing work, he can schedule shorter days in college.

      The “how he learns” part is to hopefully motivate him to study if he needs too. If he learns how he learns best, he can do that and cut down on the total amount of study time he might need.

      Good luck!

  10. DanaScully*

    Hi!

    I posted here a while back regarding my severe period pain and how much it was impacting my life. I’m really pleased to share that I saw a consultant yesterday who has agreed to schedule me for a Laparoscopy. It’s looking likely to be early January at the moment, which is much sooner than I thought.

    For those of you who have been through this procedure, please share any advice or tips you may have.

    Thank you!

    1. Ethyl*

      Is the laparoscopy to look for and remove endometriosis tissue? If so, I have had that done and get this — none was found ::eye-roll::

      The best advice I have is to make sure you give yourself a day or two to recover after the surgery. It’s quite minor as far as surgeries go, but you’ll still be under general anesthesia, you’ll be sore and gassy after, and you’re going to feel lousy for a bit. I also always find that anesthesia like, lingers for a day or so and I wind up getting weirdly sleepy at weird times.

      I hope everything goes well for you!!!

      2. Turtlewings*

        I can second that general anesthesia lingers and makes you feel weird for days. Last year I had a very, very minor surgery — removing a polyp from my nose. The pain at the surgery site was negligible. But the anesthesia felt like this indefinable darkness lurking in the back of my brain, making me exhausted and dizzy and weirdly depressed, for a full week. Everyone reacts differently, but don’t assume you’ll bounce back immediately!

        1. Natalie*

          I can’t remember where I came across this but apparently depression is a known side effect of general anesthesia that is rather common. They don’t really warn people, at least in my experience.

      3. PookieLou*

        Same experience here!

        I would add that for me, the anesthesia left me nauseated for a few hours, and I did throw up a couple times. Make sure you have food that’s easy on the stomach waiting at home just in case. I also had a breathing tube during the procedure which left my throat sore. Lozenges were so wonderful to have!

        And ditto to whoever’s said the air left in your torso will be a hard part of recovery. Moving around much was really uncomfortable. I don’t think there’s anything to do about that but take it easy and wait for it all to pass. If you have a friend who can stick with you for a while after surgery and take care of you, that’s ideal.

        Best of luck! I hope you get answers.

        1. C Average*

          If you are emetophobic like me, you can ask for a prescription for ondansetron or another antiemetic to have on hand in case you get queasy. Sometimes they’ll even give you an antiemetic with your IV. Every time I’ve had anesthesia I’ve taken it prophylactically because throwing up terrifies me beyond all things.

    2. PseudoMona*

      I had a laparoscopy for pelvic issues many years ago. For a surgical procedure, it was pretty straightforward and uneventful. The incisions (4 in total, but one is buried in my belly button so you can’t see it) are very small, and hardly scarred at all. Recovery was about 3-4 days in total, where I mainly just slept. I did have a family member on hand to take care of transportation to/from the hospital, talking with the doctors, providing food, etc and that was a big help. I did get a prescription for pain meds, but only needed them the first day or two. The worst pain wasn’t from the incisions, but rather from the gas they use to inflate my belly. It collected in my upper back and caused rather painful muscle cramps.

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Dealing with all the air in your abdomen while it moves around during recovery was the worst part for me. If you’re comfortable sitting up, it might migrate and cause back/chest/shoulder pain, so don’t panic if that happens. A heating pad helps a lot to ease the pain and encourage reabsorption.

      Aside from that, just avoid clothes that cling where the incisions are. Even leggings or sweatpants may be uncomfortable for a couple of days if the waist hits just right. Have a nightgown or something like that on standby.

    4. NJBi*

      I had a grapefruit-sized fibroid pulled out laparoscopically my freshman year in college. My anecdotal advice, that you should definitely run by your doc before following: It’s gonna take longer than you think for you to want to walk around. The stick-on chemically heated patches from CVS are the best thing ever–stick them on your lower back and prepare to ascend to heaven. Seconding comments above, the gas is the worst part–and you have to walk around to get it to disperse, which is awful, but worth it. Talk to your doctor in advance about a pain management plan and non-opioid or limited-opioid options.

      Good luck!! I hope that the surgery helps resolve your pain!

    5. AnonymousNurse*

      Hello! I’m a nurse on a surgical floor so I can give you some tips! But *disclaimer* always talk with your surgeon regarding any meds.
      First off, as mentioned, anesthesia will linger, so just be prepared to be pretty sleepy/tired the first few days. Have someone drive you to and from the hospital.
      Talk with your surgeon about your preferred pain management, whether you want opioid or not. Stock up on stool softeners like colace, if you go the opioid route. Opioids constipate you like no other.
      WALK. I cannot stress this enough. Walking after surgery reduces SO many complications. Reduces risk of pneumonia, clots, and reduces gas pain. You will not want to get up and walk, but trust me, its the best thing you can do for your body and your recovery. Walk up and down a hallway a few times a day. See if you can get an abdominal binder, which fits tightly over your abdomen and can help you feel like “you’re together.”
      Take deep breaths. If they give you an incentive spirometer after the surgery, use it! You can press a pillow against your abdomen to splint against laughing or coughing.
      You can get over the counter gas relief stuff like simethicone to help with the gas pain. That is often worse than surgical site pain. Heat packs also work well.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Ditto!! I had my fallopian tubes removed with a laparoscopy, and I could NOT have survived without something to soften stools. I did something really simple – I just loaded up on magnesium supplements (which softens stools). There’s a brand of magnesium powder by Natural Vitality, it’s called “Calm”. I just mixed it with water, added a little stevia (because I can’t drink anything like that without sweetener), and I drank that CONSTANTLY while I was recovering. Apologies if this reads as TMI, but with this strategy, I kept myself at the point where my stools were totally liquid – and I was glad for it, because I definitely couldn’t have handled anything else.

    6. DanaScully*

      Thank you all so much for such great advice and tips! I’ve saved all of your comments for closer to the time.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      Be sure to have a thorough discussion beforehand about what they will or won’t do immediately, depending on what they find. What do you want to authorize in advance, and what findings would you prefer to discuss before proceeding?
      Seconding the recommendation for a stool softener. Start a couple of days before the procedure. Better loose stools than the opposite.

  11. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Gardening thread! My daughter’spineapple is ripe. The plants are already looking healthier indoors than they were this time last year last year in two. Two big differences: I brought them in well before we turned on the furnace, and I split them up in different areas to break up the bug boulevards.
    I have to go outside this weekend and clean up plant pots. My MIL is downsizing and brought us a trunk full of planters, terracotta pots, etc. But they’d been in her mousey barn so they need serious cleaning. They’ve been hosed, but they’re stained green with I don’t know what, no way of knowing if they carry plant pathogens.
    Can terracotta survive a dishwasher?
    Do I have to steel myself to mucking around with bleach?

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        These aren’t little ones, probably 6 to 10 inch, so they’re worth the cleanup time. Plus it’s worth it to me to keep usable things out of the landfill.

    2. Venus*

      I have never grown pineapples but I feel like they would be quite interesting.

      I did some cleaning of the garden last week, but need to do more this weekend. I don’t expect to have many more good weekends before the snow comes.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        They’re big and pointy and it’s years before you’ll see the first fruit– but yes they’re a lot of fun. And that tiny little fruit has more flavor than what we usually get in stores in New England.
        If you want to try it, splurge on organic, it has a better chance of not being treated to stop sprouting.

    3. Lizabeth*

      Google and vinegar are your friends!!!! The brief look I did had you:
      1: Use a brush to brush off as much as you can
      2: Soak pots in water/vinegar solution (proportions not mentioned)
      3: Run pots through the quick wash in the dishwasher.

      Note: I have not done this myself but I probably should with my pots (head hitting keyboard). And I didn’t know that you should soak the pots before planting stuff in them!

      My gardening: finishing the last row of stones against the house today. We did get some much needed rain last week that lasted all day instead of a 20 minute downpour so the plants were very happy. SOMETHING chomped on the mums so I sprayed them with the rotten egg repellent and found three pieces on the ground next to them the next day. Something tried itand went BLEECH! Hoping that will keep them away – there’s at least one rabbit still across the street.

      1. Lizabeth*

        Also just thought of something else for the pots – if you like the look of the outside of the pots – put another pot inside it for the plant?

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’ll have to try that rotten egg spray next year–maybe I’ll actually get to see hosts bloom again despite deer & woodchuck.

          1. Lizabeth*

            Spray early and often…give them the idea that they taste awful and they “may” leave them alone further into the season. Especially after a rain.

    4. PX*

      Ripening tomatoes! Thats all. The few I have on the vines still seem to be ripening. I keep finding more. And I keep wondering why they waited literally until the end of summer to start appearing at all. If the vines stay alive (lots of yellowing leaves at the moment) I think next year I need to be much smarter about repotting them early in the spring, more fertilizer early on (I think this year they just didnt have the nutrients needed to get going until quite late) and be more vigilant about getting them maximum sun if possible. The last bit is the biggest challenge.

      My croton continues its apparent decline. Hoping all the articles that say its just a reaction to stress and it will continue to grow once it gets used to the new (ie colder) norm are correct.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I just looked croton up and wikipedia has me fascinated. One type is used in campari & vermouth. Another, its sap can be used as a liquid bsndage. Such variety! What kind do you have?

        1. PX*

          It’s a mamey/mammy croton according to the Internet. It’s just a baby one but it was so beautiful when I brought it home from the shop.

          Alas, I realised my house is basically the opposite of the environment they thrive in so it was always going to be a challenge keeping it alive. It seemed to do alright in the summer but it is absolutely not happy now :(

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Maybe try a fishtank terrarium? It doesn’t have to hold water, just heat & humidity.

  12. Kuododi*

    Well I am finding that the closer it gets to officially starting radiation treatment on Wednesday, the more my anxiety increases. Intellectually I know this won’t be like chemo however the mind is a complicated animal. I’m still working with the LiveStrong program, as well as keeping lines of conversation open with DH and my sister. I deeply appreciate the good thoughts and prayers during this process. Will keep y’all posted as I have new information. Blessings!!!

    1. OperaArt*

      Wishing you an effective but otherwise uneventful treatment.

      I was nervous the first day or two of my radiation treatment, and I could list all of the reasons why but you don’t need that. The process became routine quite quickly. Visiting every weekday for multiple weeks will do that.

      The thing that surprised me most was how fast each visit was. The time from leaving my car to getting back in was usually about 15 minutes.

      Again, best wishes.

      1. Insurance mom*

        And you are probably already used to ‘flashing’ people. Took a while to get used to just ripping my shirt off for the techs. Also if nobody told you yet get some men’s sleeveless undershirts to wear as undergarments

    3. Autumn*

      Best wishes! It’s been so long for me, it’s a blur (I don’t even remember getting the tattoos), but what I do remember is that the techs were so, so nice. I hope for that for you!

      1. Kuododi*

        Oh I have no concerns about the staff I’ll be dealing with. They are warm, kind and seem to really know what is needed and their particular roles in the process. My radiation Dr is quiet and soft spoken but will sit with me and answer any little question I might have and explain any concern until I’m sure I understand what’s happening. Blessings!!!

    4. Breast Solidarity*

      Hang in there. Mine doesn’t start until January, I am still finishing up chemo and have surgery to get through but have already started worrying about sore boob from the radiation! Have you looked at breastcancer.org? I have found I need to choose threads very carefully, but some are really helpful and encouraging.

      1. Breast Solidarity*

        Which is to say, fear of the unknown is hard. At this point chemo sucks but I know what to expect and it doesn’t frighten me. I have had much larger surgeries (unrelated) before so surgery doesn’t frighten me, but I am already worried about radiation therapy which is more than 2 months away.

        So, hang in there, but your fear is normal. I have seen a therapist in the cancer center once and have another appointment scheduled to help with the anxiety.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Radiation is different for different people. However, I can tell stories of a few people who walked right through radiation. They did well. Not everyone, not all the time. But it did show me about the differences in people and their settings.
      May this not be as tough as you expect and may your results be soon and be strong and positive.

    6. Duvie*

      My DH had 35 radiation treatments after having brachiotherapy for prostate cancer. It was nowhere as difficult as the chemotherapy he had for leukemia (yes, the universe WILL kick you when you’re down!). He went to the clinic each morning before work, and never missed a day at either. I hope you have the same experience. Courage and good cheer to you!

    7. WS*

      Radiation treatment does vary – mine was fine and then I had some unexpected side-effects later – but it’s nowhere near as bad as chemo. Once you start the unknown factor will be over and done with and you’ll feel a lot better!

    9. Anon woman with breast cancer*

      I will think of you Wednesday and send you good vibes. That is the day I start chemo so I am glad your chemo went well, your rad tratments will too! Hang in there amd next weekend tell us how it went! :)

    10. tab*

      I found the radiation very easy, and it didn’t make me tired. The treatments go very quickly. Most of the time was spent getting everything set up. I was able to bring in a CD of music to listen to during treatment, and that helped me relax. I also pictured the cancer cells being destroyed by the radiation and exploding into beautiful fireworks. I’m not sure that helped, but it was fun to picture it. I’m sending you healing thoughts and good vibes. You got this!

    11. Mobuy*

      Good luck! I got tired near the end, but was fine other than that. I did find that 100% aloe vera that you can get at health food stores was great when I had what felt like a sunburn. You can do it!

  13. Teapot Translator*

    Life sucks sometimes.
    My dad ended up in the hospital this week. He’s out now and okay, but we’ve pretty much confirmed he has cancer but we don’t know to what extent.
    He’s still autonomous and his pain is under control. So I figure, he can stay home by himself. But he says he likes company.
    I feel selfish because I want to work and keep studying and I don’t want to jeopardize my work by asking to work from home. Plus mentally, it would drive me batty having to spend a lot of time with my dad.
    We’re at the beginning of this, we don’t know what the treatment is, what his chances of recovery are or how long he’ll live.
    Anyway, hard situation for us his kids, hard situation for him, but it doesn’t change all family history and issues, you know?
    Thanks for listening.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Does your area have a community center or senior center with daytime activities? Our town and the one we used to live in both have a program where people can get inexpensive shuttle bus rides from their house to the center. At both, people can buy lunch or breakfast with other people who are not working during the daytime. There are craft lessons, yoga, card games, etc. as well.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      For serious illnesses such as cancer it’s usually recommended that the patient have a team of people. And not just professionals, but also friends/family/neighbors who can coordinate and make things happen. All this is to say NO, you absolutely should not be doing this alone.

      I think you live with your dad? If so that puts you are the front lines, you and anyone else who lives with him will be the first to know when something is wrong. If dad is not interested in building Team Dad, then you go ahead and round up people and services yourself. Build a Team You instead.

    4. Sunflower Sea Star*

      You do NOT have to reorganize your life “because he likes company”!!!

      Since you mention that there are “family history and issues” you want to be super careful to not fall into the trap of allowing yourself to be manipulated “because I have caaaaaancer!” or “you’ll regret this when I’m dead!”

      Don’t know if the issues involve narcissism or manipulation, but if it does: When manipulative people get seriously ill, it can be wielded like a weapon. And since it’s (probably!) true, and serious, it’s hard to resist.

      (I say probably, because I *did* have a family member completely make up a serious health issue to try and get to me when I’d cut him off completely. Messaged my husband with a whole sob story and got my husband pleading with me, but I was skeptical. And somehow no one else in the family had heard a peep about this rare condition, long hospitalization and hospice care…)

      Signed,
      Been there, never, ever again

    5. Kuododi*

      Oh sweetie there’s nothing selfish or bad about keeping up with your work and studies. Anything which helps you renew and restore your energy will be an absolute Godsend. Definitely seek out friends, trusted family and/or mentors to be an additional source of strength. I definitely get what’s going on as we’ve been dealing with my mother’s increasing dementia. My sister and I are both designated on their living wills/ durable power of attorney. (I take care of healthcare needs and sister is on the financial power of attorney. ). Personally, since I am dealing with double cancer diagnoses, I find it even more necessary to maintain those boundaries around my rare quiet times where I can play with the doggos or spend quality time in my local library. My best regards to you and your family. You all are in my heart.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a hug.
      You’ve gotten good advice here. Take care of yourself.
      Arm yourself with research and knowledge. I looked up the big words. I read the medical literature (not blogs, the actual journals and handbooks – there are synopsis and good descriptions). I talked to others who had family members with the diagnosis. So I had an idea of whether the grumpiness was just more of his personality acting out, or part of the brain deteriorating. (it was actually something else).
      I like NSNR “team you.” I did not take care of myself. I’m still trying to recover my own health, some 12+ months after his death. Here for you… it’s hard to balance when there’s already family stuff.

  14. Richard Hershberger*

    Early baseball: I commented earlier this week that my technique for out-boring a bore is to discuss my hobby interest at great length. My hobby interest is early baseball history. Shameless self-promotion: https://www.amazon.com/Strike-Four-Evolution-Richard-Hershberger/dp/153812114X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2RWIYKFJRQSXJ&keywords=strike+four+evolution+of+baseball&qid=1572093895&sprefix=strike+four%2Caps%2C124&sr=8-1. This is on the evolution of the rules. It explains both the oddball rules (dropped third strike: what is up that that?) and the ordinary (why four balls for a walk and three for an out?). You can also see some of the shorter pieces I have written here: https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C21&q=richard+hershberger+baseball&btnG=

    The specific example of lengthy discourse I used was slightly different: was Boston robbed of the 1871 pennant? Several people responded that they were actually very interested by this, and at least one suggested I post about it in this thread. So here goes. This is the abbreviated version, the long version being, um…, long.

    The first baseball league, the National Association of Professional Base Ball Players (NA) was founded in 1871 for the purpose of establishing a championship race. They came up with the system of each team playing a series of games against every other team. This is, with various modifications, the system professional sports leagues still use. The NA invented it, so pause a moment and think happy thoughts about the NA. Done? OK, moving on…

    It took them a while to figure out the details. They were used to the idea of best-of-three series. Two clubs would play two games, one on each home ground. If they split the two games, they played a third game on a neutral ground. The NA took this scheme, making it best-of-five. This is different from the modern system, where each team plays a fixed number of games. In the 1871 scheme, if Boston won the first three games against Cleveland, the series was over. This is just like the World Series, where the number of games played depends on the results along the way.

    Confusion: it was not entirely clear whether the pennant went to the team winning the most series or the most games. These are not necessarily the same. A team could lose a series, but win two games in that series. At the close of the season the Boston Red Stockings had won more games, while the Philadelphia Athletics had won more series.

    The next issue was the player eligibility rules. These were adopted verbatim from the predecessor organization. If a player left from one club to another, he was ineligible to play for his new club until sixty days has passed since his last game. This was intended to cut down on players changing clubs during the season. The issue in 1871 was that there also arose a new practice of some players going to New Orleans to play winter ball, then returning north in the spring. No one thought this was controversial, but the sixty day rule made no provision for it. The upshot was that one player was technically ineligible early in the season.

    No one thought to complain, until the Philadelphia Athletics realized that having his games declared forfeits would help them in the pennant race. These forfeits would give them more wins than Boston, giving them the pennant regardless of whether it was based on winning series or total games.

    We would expect at this point a bureaucratic battle royale. It didn’t happen. Boston rolled over without a fight. Why? No one said, but reading between the lines, Boston took one for the side. The NA was brand new, and a controversy like this would harm its legitimacy. The A’s had the letter of the law on their side, but Boston could have made an argument based on the intent of the eligibility rule. They passed on this for the greater good. The rules were changed so that teams played all the games of a series, not a best-of, and the NA clarified that the championship was based on games won.

    Don’t feel too bad for Boston. They won the pennant the next four years running, becoming professional baseball’s first dynasty.

    2. fposte*

      Thanks, Richard, this is really interesting; I love how things we take for granted came to be. And this is the rare literal inside baseball :-).

    3. GoryDetails*

      Great post – thanks! I do enjoy baseball despite the commercial and political and other factors that make it a not-always-fair contest, and was intrigued at the early-days issues.

    4. Anon Here*

      I love it! I grew up in Baltimore in the 80’s. We were between football teams and all about baseball. My brother and I collected baseball cards and obsessed over it. On summer nights, I’d fall asleep to the sound of baseball on the radio and ciccadas chirping. Baseball is the best sport. I don’t follow anything else.

    6. Nobody Special*

      Thanks got this, my dad will love it. He’s in his mid 90s with mild/increasing dementia. Mothing hives him more mental focus (and joy) than baseball, most definitely in luding history. We’ll have fin with this.

  15. Valancy Snaith*

    Thanks to all of you for your support last week. My mom has been declining very steadily all week and the doctors can’t say why, which is very frustrating for them and us both. My mom is getting some antibiotics, but today or tomorrow my dad and I will be needing to decide if it’s time for hospice care.

    1. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

      Please talk to a palliative care specialist at your mom’s hospital. Palliative care and/or Hospice aren’t just for those who are imminently dying; it’s also support for the living during those months/weeks/days. The palliative care people may be able to help you and your dad & mom decide if she still wants treatment, or wants only support, and how best to arrange that.

      I’m so sorry that this is where you are. It’s never easy. Wishing all of you peace.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        I mentioned this last week but I live in a different country from my parents so I’m not able to be hands-on in care. My dad is in talks with the medical team there to determine what’s best for all of them.

    2. patricia*

      Oh, I’ve been thinking about you and your mom this week. I’ve been wishing and hoping her fear and anxiety may have abated some. I hope hospice can make her more comfortable and less afraid. And again, my thoughts are with you and your dad as well in this hard time.

  16. assistant alpaca attendant*

    Medical female tmi stuff warning…

    I had my copper IUD removed this week, and one of the “arms” broke off, so now I have to go make an appointment to get it fished out. My dr seemed very casual about it but I am terrified. I gather it is less common that it can break but not unheard of. Has anyone dealt with this? How painful was it, how long was the recovery? Were you able to get a replacement IUD after? (childfree, it just expired and was time for a replacement)

    1. AnonyNurse*

      Ooof that sucks, I’m sorry. It shouldn’t be too big a deal. Likely your provider just wanted to have ultrasound assistance so they could see what they’re doing rather than digging around fishing for the thing.

      So long as it broke off just because it did, versus being “embedded” in the uterine wall, you should have no problem getting another IUD placed. If it did embed, you’ll have to be mindful of a small increased risk of that happening again and/or migrating further into the uterine wall, which can become problematic but is very rare in people without prior scarring on the uterus (like from a c-section).

      You should request your provider make a report regarding an adverse event with a medical device to the FDA. Even if you aren’t seriously harmed, reporting these sorts of things is the only way for anyone to know they happen, to identify patterns or clusters, etc.

      Good luck!

    2. MarieA*

      Although it is no big deal as far as surgeries go, I completion understand why you are so nervous. I had a similar situation and similar procedure. Thankfully, it is a minor procedure for a Dr, and an easy one for them. As long as you take it easy the rest of the day and maybe the next day, recovery should be easy. Also, I do have another iud (mine is Mirena), so it is something you can discuss if you’d like to try again. Good luck to you :)

  17. aarti*

    Shubh Deepawali to all my friends celebrating this weekend. My husband and I normally go all out with diyas (the little oil lamps) but avoid firecrackers as we hate the noise. But my husband’s uncle passed away a few months ago so we’re not doing anything at home this year. May go to a friend’s house to score some bomb festival food on Sunday. Anyone doing anything fun for the holiday?

    1. Femme d'Afrique*

      I’m going to watch fireworks! I’ve asked all my Hindu friends for some delicious sweets, so hopefully I’ll be gorging on them for hours and days afterwards.

      Shubh Deepawali to you and yours!

  18. WellRed*

    A friend is having trouble finding a fee only financial planner to give her advice on what to do with a small inheritance from her mom. It’s her Mom’s retirement package/ Roth etc. my friend wants to make it count, if you will and be safe, not lose it. Any ideas? I’m a big Michelle Singletary fan but she doesn’t have these forums : )

    1. Enough*

      NAPFA for finding a fee only advisor. Inherited IRAs have specific rules with differences if the owner had already starting taking payments. The nice thing about the Roth is there should be no taxes due when the money is taken. But for basic safety and no loss you are looking at savings accounts, CDs, money market accounts. Online will get higher rates. Check out Bankrate.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      She could just search for “three fund portfolio” or “two fund portfolio”. The principle is simple: you can get adequate diversification with index funds. I won’t explain index funds here, as you can also search on that, and see why they’re both a benchmark for other funds and a good way to diversify. All I have in my 401(k) and my Roth IRA are an S&P index fund and a short-term bond fund. Does she know about asset allocation? There’s a lot out there on that, too, but the concept is very simple. Both accounts are 75% in equities (stocks) and 25% in bonds because I may retire in 5-10 years.

      I’m not saying she doesn’t need a planner, but there’s a lot of basic investment information out there, and for a small inheritance she probably doesn’t need anything complicated.

      1. WellRed*

        Genuinely curious: isn’t it risky to have that much in stocks the closer to retirement? Especially since I keep hearing it’s time for a downturn Asking for myself.

        1. Green Kangaroo*

          Growth is important in retirement years, too, in order to keep pace with inflation. You shouldn’t have all assets in conservative vehicles at the very start of retirement since one could be retired for several decades.

          1. The Cosmic Avenger*

            Green Kangaroo pretty much nailed it. If you’re planning on retiring early, and so possibly being retired for 30-40 years or more, you may not want to get as conservative as the standard advice suggests. It does require some more planning (2-3 years of expenses in cash), but it’s not unusual for some people to stay at 60/40 (or higher) permanently after retirement. Even for shorter time spans, it’s a question of accepting some volatility and being willing to ride out a recession or depression for 3-5 years, and in the long run you will probably be less likely to run out of money/have more to spend or donate or leave to your kids.

        2. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Also, if you’re changing your asset allocation based on forecasts rather than where you are in your life, you’re trying to time the market, and market timing is a fool’s game, IMO. It can be especially tricky because there can often be a run-up before a recession, and you never know when the recovery will start, or if there will be another plunge; getting back in is often even harder than knowing when to get out. By the end of 2009 I was back to where I was before the recession because I stayed the course and kept rebalancing; I knew it would be back up eventually.

    3. Fikly*

      So I don’t know how soon she wants to use the money for something, but for a long term investment, nothing ever beats index funds, and you don’t need a planner to do that. Sometimes managed funds will win in the short term, but over the years? Index funds, every time. We just can’t outsmart averages.

      1. CoffeeLover*

        Agreed. Invest 50% in a stock index fund and 50% in a bond index fund. Rebalance once a year (meaning make sure to keep the roughly 50:50 split). All other investment options come with higher fees and those higher fees have been historically proven to eat away any “extra” profits they might get. Financial advisors are generally good at explaining your account options (ie tax free, retirement plan, etc – not really sure what you have in the US), but they often give crappy financial advise… usually they just recommend a mutual fund run by their bank.

  19. Judddddy*

    It’s been 13 years since starting undergrad, and student loans have been the single biggest defining factor of my life. Legitimately. It has changed my quality of life. It caused me to not be able to afford being social because I had a $50/week budget for everything and if I got stuck somewhere that I needed a cab, I’d have to wait 3 hours for the subway because I couldn’t do it. At 22, it took me 2 more years to save enough money to take one 8-week weekly improv class. My entire adult life has been in shadow. I’ve been trying to land on my feet since I was 18 (unbeknownst to me, my loans had to be paid back immediately while I was still enrolled).

    I wish I could go back so many times and make a different choice, but I can’t.

    Now I’m just an anxious whiner who complains on forums.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      I am sorry life has been so hard for you. May things get easier for you in the future. If it’s any comfort, early 30s is still relatively young; you still have decades ahead of you.

      If you could share your experiences with others before they repeated your path, you would contribute a lot to the world. Are you interested in business, financial planning, or college advising? Or expand your comment into an article. It would be a ripple in the pond.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          If you saved just one kid from the same crippling debt, what would that be worth? If Autumn Leaves’s kid up above hits thirty with no college debt left, what would that be worth? If someone had told you or me how bad it can get back when we were 18, what would that have been worth?

          I utterly and completely sympathize with you, and my loans weren’t so bad. They are paid off now. End of 2018. I cried. I’m tearing up now writing this. I am so so so free now. My loans were the all-consuming center of my financial life for a mere 6 years. If I had had a halfway decent paying job, I could have paid them off sooner. If I had picked a different school, I could have gotten more scholarships. If I hadn’t dropped out halfway, the school would have been actually useful. If, if, if. None of those ifs happened. None of us know what will happen in the future when we sign on the dotted line barely into adulthood. Nobody should sign for loans without knowing what it will cost to pay them off, in dollars and in years.

          1. Judddddy*

            Do you feel like anyone is talking about this? It seems so… clinical. Like just charts and numbers on a graph, if it’s brought up at all. How did you pay them off? I really appreciate your sharing your story because it feels like I’m the only sucker. It feels like even people with loans just see it as not a big deal. My friend told me don’t focus on just paying off debt — you have to live your life, but I paid the minimum ($1400/mo on an entry level salary) and…. now I’m just like… I don’t know

            1. Ranon*

              You might like the podcast Death, Sex and Money- they did a series on student loans and the effects that they’ve had on a bunch of people’s lives beyond just the numbers. You’re certainly not alone!

              1. Juddddddy*

                Thank you for the recommendation! I checked it out and it made me feel better to know so many people are living with hidden debt. I think it should be illegal to let 17 year olds make decisions like this that will impact their life. I had to take a 3-hour class on alcohol consumption before I could go to college. Where is that for student loans?

                1. Fikly*

                  Technically it is illegal in the US – you can’t sign a contract until you’re 18. It’s the parents consenting if you’re 17.

            2. Eliasaph*

              $1400!!?  Ouch.  Just ouch.

              I hear more people talking about crippling student debt now, but I don’t know how much is because I notice and how much is people actually talking about it.  I certainly didn’t know about in 2010 when I was heading off to college.  Nor did my parents.  I definitely don’t think kids know enough about it, though starting at community college does seem to be more popular.  Cause college is not worth it, not at the price tag it costs nowadays, unless you are coming out of it with a very marketable skill.

              The main reason I paid off my loans so quickly is because they really weren’t that big. I don’t want to give actual numbers, but I’ve heard of people with 10 times my debt. I think I always paid more than the minimum except for maybe the beginning. I wanted it to go down, not stay permanently over my head. I had a standard payment, and whenever my savings rose above my emergency fund level, I’d pay extra that month.

              The other thing that made a huge difference was a better job. My income probably doubled in 2018. And almost all of that extra money went into the loans. I highly recommend a better paying job, if you can find it. I would have paid it off anyway, but probably 4 years later.

              Maybe it would have been sensible to have lived a little more comfortably in the first five years and paid it off after I had the better job, the live your live thing, but I wanted an end on the horizon even if it was far off.

              1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

                Woops! That’s me talking above. I didn’t mean to use the other name. Not that it really matters.

            3. Dan*

              Attempting to give you some practical advice here:

              I borrowed $100k in student loans, and my required monthly payments have never been above $800/mo. If yours are as high as they are, you either borrowed a boatload of money (e.g., med school or law school levels of debt), have a bunch of private loans with rigid repayment terms, or have somehow overlooked ways to reduce the monthly payments.

              First, this advice won’l apply if your loans are “private” loans. This only applies to “federal” student loans. Also, you mentioned upthread your credit is ruined. That may not actually be an issue here, other than that your loans likely have to be current (“in good standing”) in order to change the payment schedule.

              1. You can change your ammortization period. Standard repayment periods are 10 years. You can stretch them out over longer periods of time, e..g, 15, 20, or perhaps even 25 years. Yes, you’ll pay more interest in the long run, but for now, you need to pay rent and eat presumably. That’s worth a few bucks in interest payments.

              2. There are “graduated” repayment plans, where you start out paying interest only for a couple of years, and then they bump up the payments every few years until the loans are paid off.

              3. There are income based repayment plans (known as IBR) which limit your payments to a percentage of your income.

              None of these options require “refinancing” your loans (for which, as you alluded to, you’ll need good credit). Again, these options will only apply to your federal student loans, not your private ones.

              I have to figure that at $1400/mo, there’s got to be some relief somewhere. In the early years of my loan payments, I was on a variety of graduated plans, such that I was only paying $650 a month or so. I’ll soon be paying $1300/mo, but that’s by choice — so the remaining $50k on my debt will be gone in 3 years.

              Good luck.

              1. Juddddddy*

                They are private. They don’t qualify for income-based plans regardless of my ability to pay.

                1. Shiny Flygon*

                  You sound in an utterly untenable position and you’ve been there for years. I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry.

                  Is it possible to go bankrupt?

                2. Katefish*

                  If they’re private student loans and your credit is already bad, you may be able to get rid of them completely in bankruptcy and get a fresh start. I’m a bankruptcy lawyer and just attended a class on this topic. I’d look for a good bankruptcy lawyer near you and ask. Make sure they know your loans are private since federal student loans usually can’t be deleted (ie discharged) in bankruptcy.

                3. Katefish*

                  One more thing: even if you can’t go bankrupt, you may also be able to settle the loans by working out a lower payment with the lender. I’ve also seen this often.

                5. Juddddddy*

                  I also didn’t think you could settle student loans???? Thanks for the comment. I mean, it’s super pointless at this particular stage because I have 0 income and literally can’t pay anything yet but I’ll look into it. Thank you.

                6. Shiny Flygon*

                  I’m not in the US but a few minutes on Google tells me it’s hard but not impossible. Maybe worth looking into at least. Going bankrupt would be awful I’m sure but at least after ten years you’d be out, which doesn’t seem to be likely from what you say otherwise.

                  Sending Jedi hugs if you want them.

                7. Dan*

                  @Shiny Flygon

                  When you put it that way, you’re right. Student loans in the US are *so* hard to discharge in bankruptcy that colloquially speaking, we say you can’t do it. But it is technically possible, and I think OP could actually have a case here.

                  The tricky part would be getting the money to pay a lawyer. Lawyers don’t usually do BK for free, and they typically expect to be paid up front.

            4. Overeducated*

              You are NOT “the only sucker.” Check out Anne-Helen Peterson’s articles on student loans for Buzzfeed if you want to hear about lots of other people in the same boat and the impact it has.

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          You are definitely not a waste of space! You have life experience and both formal and informal education. And a lot of good in this world has been done by people who either experienced or were onlookers to injustice, and decided that the misery would stop with them.

          Why not learn more about consumer finance, with a focus on pro-consumer credit and other, better ways to pay for college:
          – compassionate lending or non-predatory loan institutions?
          – schools that combine work/study or schools that bend over backwards to help students who don’t come from wealthy families / first-generation college students / other people for whom going to college is not an automatic item on the to-do-in-life list?
          I have heard a little bit about Berea College, which does not charge tuition (www(dot)berea(dot)edu). There must be other places where getting an education is merely a challenge instead of a flat-out impossible cause. Just last night I heard a radio story (NPR / National Public Radio) about a Starbucks employee whose college tuition was being paid for by Starbucks. She had to cover her books and living expenses while working roughly 20 hours a week.

          The other thing that might give you some relief is finding free or super low-cost ways to build more happiness into your life. There’s always the public library (as long as you don’t accumulate overdue fines *cough cough [tries not to blush]*) which loans out books, CDs, movies, has helpful reference librarians, and often has talks, interest groups, discussion groups. Or you could volunteer for a group or cause you want to support. Animal rescue? Community gardening group that makes public places more beautiful?

          It won’t happen overnight but you might find more kindred souls. Not all of us spent our 20s (30s, 40s, 50s) with loads of discretionary income. Life is not meant to be spent being unhappy, even if we don’t have pots of money.

          1. AnonEMoose*

            My local public library has an app that allows you to download audio books onto your cell phone. It’s great for me at work (because I’m allowed to use headphones), but could also be great for long trips or other stuff like that.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Translate that in your head from ‘whining & complaining’ into ‘warning & explaining’ and yes people will listen. Or at least they should.

        4. Meepmeep*

          It would save others from the same fate. You’re not alone. My wife ran up 6 figures of student loans because she fell for that myth too. If you can save one other person from this trap, you’ll be making a difference.

    3. Reba*

      There was a series of 3 episodes on Death, Sex and Money all about student loans. And an online interactive map. It was a really good set of stories, and might help you feel less alone.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I realize this comment is probably unhelpful, and verges into breaking the “no work or school” rule, but… I keep wondering what we can do as a society to de-emphasize the importance put on a college degree. In my mind, if you take out the fact that many (if not most) jobs unnecessarily require a degree, we’ve reached the point where the benefits of going to college are not even close to being worth the jaw-dropping cost.

      In the library world, I see a ton of folks like this OP, whose lives have been turned sharply for the worse in a number of ways by the amount of debt they went into to attend college.

      1. Judddddy*

        Yeah — there was a very short 6 month period after I graduated when I had some help and wasn’t paying. I worked at a restaurant (which doesn’t require a degree) and I felt WEALTHY. I could pay my rent, buy food, have transportation, and have money to save! I mean it was incredible. I even could afford to go on dates! I don’t want to say a college degree is worthless, but it was 1000000% not worth it. There are a lot of fields that don’t require a degree and even jobs I’m applying to now don’t require them.

      2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        There is a current stronger trend of trying to encourage trade school verses bachelors degrees.

        It’s sadly being done mostly by the people adverse to ceasing the tradition of paying out the nose for college tuition. But it’s a thing that is starting to come out into the discussions.

        The flip side is that many are saying that school should be obtainable without the awful price tag.

    5. Yup*

      Go with my favorite Monte Python tune when you feel blue—

      “Always look on the bright side of life!”

      Makes me and wifey feel better every time!

    6. Meepmeep*

      We are in the same boat. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey and just living like a monk for however long it takes to pay it off. My wife lived her entire adult life prior to our marriage trying to hide from her student loans and pretend they don’t exist. They only got bigger.

      Now we are powering through them, and they are melting away.

      1. Juddddddy*

        Yeah that’s what I’m saying — I did NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. I just stayed in bed if I wasn’t working because if I went outside I might get hungry. I did that for 8 years. I still could only afford the minimum. My 20s were nothing. Go to work. Go home. Sit in bed. Once a month I’d meet a friend for coffee. It was terrible. If I went out, I’d go to a bar by my apt just to be around people and not drink anything because I couldn’t afford it. And after I still owed $100k for undergrad.

        I eventually had to stop because I lost my job and was on foodstamps. I still paid them from my savings account (the only money I had saved was emergency money from when I was working as a server in high school!) because credit score was more important to me than having a roof over my head… eventually I was forced to stop paying because I had $13 in my bank account and nowhere to live.

        1. Dan*

          I realize this doesn’t help you now, but if your loans are “federal” student loans, there’s a variety of “forebearance” or “deferment” options available for things like a job loss. You may have to pay the accumulated interest, but they’ll at least waive the monthly payment without dinging your credit.

          1. Juddddddy*

            I ran out. The start-up I was working for couldn’t pay me for months of work and I was suddenly unemployed and out of savings.

        1. Meepmeep*

          Ouch. Is there some way you can make more money? Freelancing, a different job, using whatever marketable skills you’ve got?

          If it’s any consolation, wife and I have $320k of student loans. $2400/month minimum payments. It could be worse.

          1. Courageous cat*

            This may seem overly critical, but I don’t think any part of this comment is helpful. I am sure she’s thought of getting a second job before, and also telling someone “it could be worse” is not useful (“starving children in Africa” etc), and also … saying “ouch” is kind of rude too. Eesh.

    7. Rebeccasmiles*

      You’re not a waste of space!!! I highly recommend you look up Dave Ramsey. I believe his methods can help you tremendously. Check his books out of the library, and get started. I understand crippling debt.

    8. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      1. You are NOT a waste of space.
      2. You are NOT a whiner who complains on forums.

      We have a broken system. We tell high school aged kids that without college, you’re going to be “worthless” and living in the gutter, slaving away at McDonald’s until the end of time. They act like manual labor doesn’t pay the bills and it’s a disgrace, that anyone who is “worth” something and “smart” can just go get yourself a shiny degree in whatever! you! want! and you can be! whatever! you! want! to! be! with just a college degree.

      This is a gut turning marketing ploy in some regard. They’re trying to sell you this education because they want to build their big fancy schools and lure more kids into their halls.

      Higher education isn’t a scam but it’s not the ticket to “being something”. It’s one of those things that the risks are high and the return is pretty abysmal.

      I have a lot of friends with degrees in pretty standard areas and they are in retail, slaving away, with roommates in their 3os. I know married couples with roommates. How is that a thing!?

      You are not alone. This is not the end.

      Have you looked into your areas assistance programs? There are some food pantries or charities that may be able to help you out with taking the stress of putting food in your cupboards. It’s not shameful if you look into this options.

      I have zero student loans and it murders my soul hearing stories like yours. I try to steer myself away from the screaming sounds in my head around the false safety they sell with college entrance exams. At 18 you’re still a child, despite being labeled legally as an adult because your body is done growing, yet your brain is still fully developing. You don’t know what the heck you want to be when you have to have to take full care of yourself. Then we treat these people poorly and the weight they carry along with them, with debt that cripples your self esteem and self worth, you develop more mental illness. In a country where you’re not able to afford a food, let alone a therapist and the mental health care that would at least help work through these scars you’re dealing with.

      But seriously, I feel like there needs to be support groups for people in your shoes. It’s tragic that we’ve ruined futures before they’ve even started and crumbled the very foundation that we were trying to build successful individuals upon.

      I hope that you’ve got some avenues to investigate to make your situation even slightly better. If anything, that you can find the self confidence and self worth that you deserve. You deserve better.

      1. Juddddddy*

        Thank you for your comment. I haven’t thought about getting help from a charity — it’s been really hard, but I’ve ran out of friends to support me, and I feel guilty about borrowing money (even though I always pay it back). That makes me feel better that if I really need help, I can find it. I think some churches do that — and I totally forgot about it until right now.

        The reality is… yes, my life would’ve been so so so so different without loans. I’d have had a social life. I’d be able to afford a gym membership (I had to wait to even afford that). I’d probably even appreciate my jobs more because the money would be going towards something instead of a black abyss.

        It’s great you don’t have loans. I have friends who knew how the system worked and figured out how to get full scholarships (even if their means were a bit sketchy). The crazy thing is being friends with people who have the same degree as me, but had lower grades in high school, easier classes, and lower SAT scores, and graduated debt-free. There’s so much I didn’t know.

        It’s easy to harp on those things but I think I need to take responsibility. This is my life. This is what I’m stuck with. And I need to find a way to deal with it.

  20. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Mostly note-taking for me this week. Heh.
    Good luck for those who intend to participate in NaNoWriMo!

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I want to thank everyone for talking me off the ledge with my post last week, in which I worried that the novel I’m in process of writing (in dribs and drabs) had basically the *exact* premise as Evvie Drake Starts Over. I’m reading Evvie Drake now, maybe 60 percent done, and while there are some elements of the book that are making me throw up in my mouth a little because they’re *so* similar, I’m also seeing plenty of ways in which they’re different. When I start to write again, I’m going to think of different angles I can take to make my novel seem less like Evvie Drake fan-fiction. So thanks, everyone.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I’m still vacillating between two different projects to NaNo. Writing outlines for both, so I can just take off on it when I make up my mind. It won’t hurt to have the outline already finished for the one I don’t do. :)

      1. C Average*

        Do you enjoy the outlining process?

        I freaking love it. I think I could outline all day every day for quite some time before I ran out of material.

    3. C Average*

      I’m dithering about NaNoWriMo. Do I write the revision of the book I wrote four years ago and that I know has a ton of potential? Or do I write the shiny new story that has caught me attention?

      Complicating the matter is the writing workshop I’m attending November 8-11, where I’ll be workshopping the other novel I wrote, getting feedback on it, and I assume revising it afterward.

      All of it makes it really easy to kick the can down the road and work on my Halloween costume instead of writing or attempting to write.

    4. Frea*

      Just got back from a NaNo (I wrote “NoNo,” which may be a subliminal sign) pre-kickoff party and I’m officially getting a little more excited about my NaNo project. I was wavering between three options (all of them plotted out to varying degrees) but a fortune cookie apparently decided one for me. I’ll need to spend the next few days prepping that outline for the new program I’m using to write, but I’m excited.

    5. Claire*

      I have my first case of writer’s block. My agent, bless him forever, has talked me down from the ledge and will work out a new schedule with my editor. Meanwhile, I’m binge-watching Call the Midwife while I let my brain recover.

    6. OyHiOh*

      I’m ten pages out from finishing the first draft of my current script in progress! The plan is to get that finished in the next two or three days. Let it sit for a couple weeks and then start the 2nd draft. There’s A LOT of continuity stuff to fix, largely due to a set of supporting characters whom I didn’t really develop until the second act and now need to back fill their stories in the first act.

  21. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    After the roller coaster that was Doki Doki Literature Club I figured I could do with something more light-hearted and finally continued Pokémon X. I love how the XP share works and that catching Pokémon also gives you XP. Why was this not a thing sooner you cruel devs?

    1. Nicki Name*

      I went to the Portland Retro Gaming Expo and got a bunch of weird little DS games I’ve never heard of before. Also the original Final Fantasy for the NES. Haven’t gotten around to trying any of them yet, because life is busy right now.

    2. Gatomon*

      Enjoying The Outer Worlds this weekend – have taken yet another break from BotW and a Fallout 3 run I started because fall makes me think of Fallout. I haven’t gotten very far, but the world design reminds me a bit of the Ratchet and Clank series, bright colors, odd plants and fauna and brilliant skies that I love. I am missing the fun oldies soundtrack that Fallout games include though. I keep feeling like I’m missing a radio button somewhere, even though this game isn’t Fallout.

  22. Blue*

    What was your experience starting antidepressants? How long did it take before they start working? How do you even know when they’re working?

    I’ve just started on Mirtazapine, so I would really like to know your experiences with this. But I realise that this is an atypical drug, so would welcome all others.

    2. Kuododi*

      I’ve used pretty much all the traditional SSRI meds at different times in my life. (More than is manageable on a board) I can say I’ve had med that were helpful within days. I’ve also had some which took longer to kick in. I’ve had side effects as mild as excess sedation up to elevated anxiety and decrease libido. Currently I’m taking Wellbutrin SR and Trazodone for sleep. For me, this is the most effective med combination. Best of luck with the med search. Unfortunately I have not taken Mirtazipine so I’m not able to be a help in that arena.

      1. Blue*

        A lightening of all that grey weight is exactly what I want! Here’s hoping Mirz will help me with that.
        btw, I love that nickname! Mirtazapine sounds cold and clinical, antidepressant sounds heavy and ominous, but Mirz sounds like a good friend.

      2. Blue*

        Thanks Kuododi, I’m glad you found what works for you! It feels it could be a very slow and long-drawn process to find effective meds, I’m hoping that I got lucky the first time and Mirtazapine will be it for me.

        The Mirtazapine’s definitely making me drowzy, and I’m looking at it as something helpful. It’s also giving me a dry mouth, which is annoying, but now I think of it, I shall look at it as a reminder to drink more water; I usually didn’t drink enough.

    3. MMB*

      I took Mirtazapine for a while about 10 years ago. If I remember correctly, I started feeling more energetic and positive after about two weeks (sort of a lightening of all that gray weight) and my libido jumped through the roof. Most anti-depressants kill it, but not Mirz! I think I also had a bit of afternoon spaceyness, but nothing major and I think that passed fairly quickly. Overall, probably the best antidepressant I’ve tried and as a bonus it didn’t upset my stomach. I do remember having some anxiety attacks after I stopped taking it but I don’t know if they were related or not. I had some seriously stressful stuff going on at work.

      1. Blue*

        A lightening of all that grey weight is exactly what I want! Here’s hoping Mirz will help me with that.
        btw, I love that nickname! Mirtazapine sounds cold and clinical, antidepressant sounds heavy and ominous, but Mirz sounds like a good friend.

    4. Paris Geller*

      I have been on paxil since the beginning of 2018. In fact, it was the AAM community that encouraged me to speak to my therapist about my mental health and discuss taking meds, so I owe a lot to the community.
      I would say it took about a month for my meds to start working. . . and in my experience, it became clear when they working. I had a big surge of energy (which apparently is very common), and while that did level out, I just felt. . . better. I’m not saying the meds make everything okay–I still get stressed, I still depressed, but it was just so clear the difference once they started working. However, it’s one of those things that when I knew, I knew, but I wouldn’t know how to describe to someone else.

    5. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      I just started taking Bupropion HCL SR (Wellbutrin) this week (150mg daily).

      One of my concerns is I’m kinda expecting/hoping for an “aha!” moment that will show me the meds are working, but I’ve got a feeling any changes are going to be really, really slow and gradual, because that’s just the way it works.

      Unfortunately, I’m at a stage in my life where, intellectually I know this is going to take time but emotionally I need a “magic pill,” even if it’s just a placebo, to keep me going.

      1. Blue*

        Oh, I know what you mean about the magic pill! And the aha moment, which was exactly my intention with my original post. When did you have your aha moment? What did it feel like?

        Good luck with the Wellbutrin; I hope it helps.

        I’m reframing my Mirz as a good friend; it helps me do all the self-care that I’ve been neglecting because it was too hard.

    6. The Ginger Ginger*

      I haven’t taken Mirtazapine, but I just started Citalopram over the summer. It took about 2-3 weeks to start to kick in and 5-6 for full effectiveness. I was nauseated the first week, but it didn’t last past that. Now I think I might be hungrier than before and possibly have a little more trouble staying asleep, but I also went through a big and stressful change at work recently, and the hunger/sleeplessness could definitely be related to that, or just a mis-perception on my part.

      It has absolutely been worth it. I feel better than I have in years, and I would have been miserable during that employment change without support from this medicine. I could have done it, but my personal time would have been full of anxiety attacks and misery. Instead I’ve felt normal and positive (if stressed) the whole time. I’m thrilled with it.

    7. 30ish*

      I take Lexapro. I started on a half dose and then increased it, this worked fine – I didn’t have any noticeable side effects. It took a few weeks to start working , and I felt pretty good about 6 weeks in. I knew they were working because my days got a lot brighter. It was very obvious. To illustrate, I had barely done my makeup during my depression, and after two months on the SSRI I was experimenting with different kinds of nail paint.

    8. CastIrony*

      I didn’t know it was also known as Paxil!

      Well, I’m on 10mg of fluoxetine (Prozac) after being off for eight years. I could immediately think again within a day after being so overwhelmed from working so many days in a row for a few months in two jobs.

      As for effects, my family loves me again, I choose to smile each day when things get bad at work, and my irregular period improved by coming for two months in a row.

    9. Fikly*

      SSRIs have been very gradual changes for me, over weeks and months. One day I just noticed that it wasn’t that I wasn’t feeling the same emotions, it was just easier to cope with them.

      Atypicals like Abilify kicked in sooner, after a week or two.

      Buspirone, on the other hand (very old, cheap, unique in its class) works in 24 hours, and I adore it because I can alter the dose in response to symptoms and have near instantaneous effects.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        I’ve had the same experience with the SSRIs (Cymbalta, Imipramine and Effexor) the slow change where you realize one day that you feel differently.
        Buspirone was also the same I noticed a huge difference the first day and at a very low dose.

    10. C Average*

      Strange but true: my cat is currently on mirtazepine.

      She had a stomach bug for a few days and couldn’t keep anything down and was just miserable. I took her to the vet and they gave her IV fluids, an antiemetic, and mirtazepine to stimulate her appetite. When I brought the pills home my partner, who is a doctor, looked at the label and said, “Huh. Wow, I didn’t know they gave this stuff to cats, too.”

      The side effects are that she’s VERY affectionate. I have never seen a creature as joyous and loving (and hungry!) as my cat is right now. It’s like she’s on ecstasy and weed at the same time.

      1. Fikly*

        Off topic, but I am amazed at how many human meds pets get! I recently learned that chimps take human birth control in zoos to keep them from breeding before they are old enough to safely have babies, and also to manage who they breed with, for genetic reasons.

      2. Blue*

        Haha, my best friend and I sometimes joke that we’re cats, and I hope that it has the same effect on me. Joyous and loving and hungry is exactly what I want!

    11. meds anon*

      I’ve been on a whole host of drugs trying to find the right combo for my brain chemistry. Mirtazapine mostly worked, but increased my need for sleep to an unsustainable 12 hours a day. I found the side effects were dramatically different when I fiddled with the dosage, so if it mostly seems to be working try switching up or down. Everyone’s brains are so different though. Take things slow, do all that frustrating dumb exercise and diet stuff, and I hope you find something that works for you!

    12. Dr. Anonymous*

      Mirtazapine makes most people sleepy, though that effect interestingly decreases at higher doses, and may make you VERY hungry. If you don’t want to gain wait you may be able to use a tracking app like My Fitness Pal to track your food and try to treat your appetite as noise and not a signal from your body, but it’s hard for many people. You may get a hint of what relief you may get in the first week or two, and you’ll have a good idea in a month. It’s a good antidepressant; just depends on how the side effects hit you. Everybody is so different.

    13. WalkingPharmacy*

      It’s interesting that your doc prescribed Mirtazapine to start off with, since tetracyclics aren’t usually first line treatments anymore, but I’m sure they had their reasons. I’ve had a lifelong struggle with depression, and one of the most frustrating but important things to remember is that everyone has a unique experience. What works for some people may be disastrous for you, or you might have success with something that seems ineffective for most people.

      I was taking the California Rocket Fuel combo (mirtazapine with Effexor) for a few months and while that helped depression, the side effects were not sustainable. Major weight gain and night sweats. Sometimes combinations of different medications are more effective than just one type alone. It takes a lot of patience to get through the trial and error. Hang in there and know that you’re not alone.

      1. Blue*

        Yes, there’s such a range of experiences when I read reviews of antidepressants. It put me off, particularly all the bad experiences with side-effects. But I hit a low two weeks ago, and figured it can’t hurt to try,

        I’m hoping for that weight gain (I’m underweight), but I haven’t noticed an increase in hunger since I started taking it.

        Wishing you well in your struggle with depression.

    14. Blue*

      Thank you so much, everyone, for sharing your stories.

      My doctor said she chose Mirtazapine partly because of its sedative effects; she knew I wasn’t always getting enough sleep, and she thinks sleep is important. I’m also underweight, so I was happy when I found that weight gain is a side effect.

      I’ve been very numb and disassociate a lot, mostly to escape anxiety. My chest feels painfully tight when I’m anxious and I hate it and it scares me, and I found that not engaging with the world means no anxiety. Except, I don’t feel joy either and find it super hard to focus. So I want to get out of it, but every time I try to engage, something inevitably goes wrong, and I go back to skipping meals because that makes it easier to be numb. It’s a cycle and I’m hoping that antidepressants help me out of it.

      The first time I took Mirz, I slept for almost 12 hours! I felt a little sedated the whole day, and was surprisingly able to sleep at bedtime instead of lying awake hor hours because that’s what usually happens when I sleep too much. I’ve been religious about taking it at 11pm daily, and it helps to have a sleep schedule.

      Hoping that it’s also easier to do the dumb exercise and diet shit with this, even if it’s just a placebo.

  23. OperaArt*

    My sister andI are in the very early stages of dealing with my independent, practical, and competent mother. She is 85 years old and just starting to show signs that she’s at one of those life-stage changes.
    Neither of us live near our mother. It’s like walking a tightrope to allow her her autonomy and independence but still be aware of what’s really going on and deciding to step in. At least my sister and I seem to be on the same page.

    1. Not A Manager*

      If she’s truly practical, is she willing to discuss these issues with you proactively? I wish my mother had been. She was independent and basically competent all her life, but was completely unwilling to discuss or plan for any changes in her competence or autonomy. I had to sneak around behind her back to manage things that would have been super-easy for both of us if she’d been willing to make any kind of plan in advance.

      1. OperaArt*

        Yes she is, thank goodness. She actually initiated the process of looking at senior living places, but when her favorite one called this week she hemmed and hawed her way out of it (for now). She doesn’t need assisted living yet, so we’ve got some time to work with.

        The thing I’m finding hardest to calibrate is how hard to push and when to do it. Living 1200 miles away makes it harder.

        1. Not A Manager*

          She sounds like someone who would be amenable to deciding on a metric in advance. Can you and she agree now on what would trigger a move, no backsies? Ask her what she thinks would make it unsafe or unpleasant for her to remain in her home.

    2. Bluebell*

      It’s great that you and your sister are on the same page. My 84 year old mother went into the hospital this week, and my two sisters and I have been group-texting furiously. We are usually on the same page, but my mom is reading a totally different book! It also helps that we check each other’s stories— mom has a tendency to change details as it suits her.

      1. OperaArt*

        I’m sorry about your mother.
        My sister and I have been texting/messaging/phoning, too. It helps.

  24. Lore*

    Home from three weeks of Spain and Portugal! Lessons learned:
    1) as many issues as I have with Google as a corporate citizen of the world, Google Translate and, especially, downloadable offline Google Maps are an absolute lifesaver for a solo traveler with poor-to-mediocre language skills. Even if you can’t load directions while without service, being able to geolocate oneself is a real gamechanger if you, like me, like to wander.
    2) turns out I did pretty okay with my own company! I was ready to come home, but that was more about dirty clothes, executive function fatigue, and growing anxiety about spending so much money than loneliness. (I did also have pretty regular human contact at the end of my trip, which was nice.) I did chat to my neighbor for a while on line for the Prado, did a few walking tours, made a few mostly failed stabs at conversation with bartenders and such…but also being able to read books/newspapers/Ask a Manager on my phone fills a lot of otherwise awkward gaps.
    3) my decision to make location the primary parameter in choosing hotels/Air Bnbs, followed by ratings and price, was solid–everything I chose was perfectly located for both sightseeing and safety, and so ratings-conscious that quality was high and standard. And, while I also have big issues with Air Bnb’s effect on urban rental markets, access to a kitchen and a place to sit that wasn’t the bed, for at least a portion of the trip, was amazing. Midprice hotel rooms in Europe are pretty small! Especially for the part where I was traveling with a friend, the 2br flat was way more affordable and comfortable than 2 hotel rooms would have been.
    4) as amazing as the internet is for making travel plans, it also creates some serious limitations on spontaneity. If I had not prebooked the Alhambra weeks in advance, I would not have been able to go at all, or possibly even find a place to stay in Granada. If I had not prebooked the Alcazar in Seville (by a few days, but still), I would have been waiting on line in 90-degree weather with no shade for 3-4 hours minimum, and possibly not gotten in at all. I tried to change a train ticket at one point because I’d left way more time for a connection than was necessary, and even if I’d been willing to spend 3 times the initial cost to rebook at the last minute, all the trains that day were completely sold out. Even with restaurants, even as a single diner, I missed out on a lot by trying to wait till I got places to figure out what I wanted to do. It also made me a little sad how aggressively everyplace courts reviews on TripAdvisor, which, of course, I also read.
    5) I did overschedule. I would have been sorry to miss any of the places I went, but I could also happily have spent twice as much time in all of them. If anyone’s planning to be in Lisbon, Sevilla, Granada, Valencia, the Costa Blanca, or Madrid anytime soon, hit me up for recommendations!

    1. AW*

      Sounds like you had a great trip.

      I’d be interested to hear what you thought of Sevilla and Granada I’ve been to Spain a few times, but never to those cities.

      1. Lore*

        Sevilla is astonishingly beautiful in its central core, but those parts of it also start to feel Disneyland-touristified after awhile. The more modern parts around the edges are as 1970s-brutalist as the core is fantasy-beautiful, though I think there are definitely neighborhoods that feel more “real,” especially if you cross the river to Triana, where I did not spend enough time. I also shortchanged the river; there are lots of excursions and activities with boats that I just didn’t get time for. The Alcazar was amazing–possibly even more amazing than the Alhambra. The food was amazing–I did a tapas and flamenco tour one night and that was actually the worst tapas I ate the entire time. It was also very, very hot–about 90 F pretty much my entire time there in early October.

        I shortchanged Granada–everyone told me it was only worth a quick stop for the Alhambra and maybe the Albaizin, but I found it charming and interesting and with a bit of urban edge I wasn’t expecting–definitely less touristy than Sevilla. The local art/craft scene was amazing–I think I did as much shopping in 36 hours there as in entire other cities I visited, ending up with some beautiful jewelry for myself and as gifts. Granada really has the old-school tapas culture where you get served free tapas with a beer or wine, but I was not feeling great when I was there (got some sort of sinus infection) so I didn’t take too much advantage. I could have spent days just wandering in the Albaizin and also the Realejo, the old Jewish neighborhood that’s now become trendy and full of shops and bars and restaurants. But there were huge areas I never got to–basically was limited to the three or four central areas accessible on foot from the cathedral, which is where I was staying.

    2. Nessun*

      I have to go to Madrid for work in January, and I’d love to know if there’s anything in the city I should check out on one of my two free days. I can’t wander out of the city and I don’t drive, but I’d like some nice photos to remember the trip. I haven’t booked a hotel yet, because my boss has zero interest in where I stay and our guidelines are vague – so any areas that are close to good tourist spots would also be useful. Please & thanks!

        1. AW*

          And I went on a tour round the bullring which was interesting and the Bernabéu Stadium which were both good.

        2. AW*

          And I went on a tour round the bullring which was interesting and the Bernabéu Stadium which were both good.

      2. Lore*

        I stayed right on the border of Malasaña and Chueca neighborhoods–both are great for restaurants and shops but look more in the southern parts of them to be close to the major museums and such. I would maybe look in Salamanca as well, which is beautiful. The Thyssen and Reina Sofia are wonderful; there’s also a smaller museum, the MAPFRE Foundation, that has a permanent Miró collection and rotating exhibits that are interesting and less crowded. Retiro Park is big and elegant; it has an enormous crystal palace/glasshouse in the middle that also often hosts art. I did not go to Palacio Royal but you probably can’t go wrong there. The Plaza Mayor is extremely picturesque as well. Centro Centro, in the former main post office, is an arts center with a restaurant on the top floor and an observation tower; the views from the restaurant are spectacular and the art pretty interesting as well, plus the building all on its own is pretty great. If the weather is decent, just walking along Gran Via is beautiful.

    3. artsy_person*

      I spontaneously bought a plane ticket for 8 days in Portugal in February. I’m solo traveling and haven’t planned at all beyond taking time off. I’m flying in/out of Lisbon and can speak basic Spanish. Please give me all your tips. I’m thinking of Lisbon, Algavre region and Sevilla.

      1. Bewildered lately*

        I stayed at a charming hotel in Lisbon about 6 years ago – Las Janelas Verdes, which is not exactly in the center, but so quiet and lovely. Don’t know if it’s changed, but check it out. Have fun!

      2. Lore*

        I found basic Spanish shockingly un-useful in Portugal–English gets you a lot farther. I will note it’s not super-easy to get from Portugal to Sevilla without a car–the train goes via Madrid, which is well out of the way; I took an ALSA bus, which was fine but, you know, a bus and not nearly as comfortable as the fast trains that connect all of Spain internally.

        I stayed in the Bairro Alto neighborhood in Lisbon, in an Air Bnb; moderately priced hotels in Lisbon often fall into the guesthouse with shared bathroom category, so if that’s not a thing that works for you (it was not for me), Air Bnb is your friend. Bairro Alto is chock full of restaurants and bars; it’s a little noisy and involves a lot of climbing of hills and/or staircases (it’s not called Alto for nothing), but slightly less touristy than the Alfama and lots to see and eat. The city has something like 70 museums, many of them odd small specialty museums, so if you have a niche interest you may well be able to satisfy it–we went to the Marionette Museum, which was delightful and creepy, and the Azulejo (tile) one, which is something I was a little obsessed with. The trams are a big thing; the 28 covers a lot of the city and is usually packed with tourists but if you go early in the morning or have a little patience, it is pretty fun. (Get a card for the public transit system in advance–saves time for everyone and also is a pretty substantial discount on the fare.) There is another line, the 24, that runs to a botanical garden to the northwest, which is a lot less packed and the same sort of experience, so that’s an option. I was traveling with a vegetarian with some food allergies so we weren’t super adventurous in our dining, but the Time Out market on the waterfront has an ever-changing set of food stalls with Portuguese fusion cuisine, and I wish I’d gotten to try some of it. If you’re a bookstore lover, the Livreria Bertrand is the oldest continuously operating bookstore in the world, and has a lovely cafe with an excellent wine selection. (I am sure I could go on, but I’ll stop there for now.)

        In Sevilla, I stayed in the Hotel Europa–the rooms were small but the building was beautiful and the location, a few blocks from the cathedral, was perfect. Very reasonable price as well. Definitely recommend especially for a solo traveler. I ate amazingly well in Sevilla–my favorite was a tapas place called Bodeguita Romero (which was close to my hotel), where everything I tried was fantastic. (I did do a walking tour of tapas and flamenco, mostly to make sure I saw some flamenco; those tapas places were actually less good but the tour took us to the Triana neighborhood across the river, which had some promising-looking other stuff and I did not get to see.) I spent 3-4 hours at the Alcazar and if it hadn’t been so damn hot I’d probably have happily strolled the gardens for another hour. Book in the morning; entrance is timed but they don’t kick you out and there’s tons to see. The Cathedral is a little overwhelming, but worth it. I don’t know if they do the rooftops tour in the winter, but it was highly recommended to me (I dithered about booking it because of the heat and it ended up being sold out, and given the blazing sunshine I’m not entirely sorry about that). I got a little obsessed with the work of one local architect and basically traipsed around finding his buildings, but all the buildings in the central core are astonishingly beautiful (see above re the rest of it) so just walking around is pretty satisfying, catching glimpses of courtyards everywhere. The Plaza de España in Parque de Maria Luisa, if you get as into the tilework as I did, is worth a visit. The Archivo de Indias, across from the cathedral, had a big exhibit on Magellan’s voyage; it doesn’t do a great job on the legacy of colonialism (museums and such in both countries don’t, I found), but the primary documents and the overall scope of the thing were fascinating–stuff like the payroll records for the ships, all of which the archive owns.

        1. londonedit*

          Portuguese and Spanish are very different, and Portuguese people really don’t like it when tourists assume they can understand Spanish! They’re very proud of their culture and their language and they don’t appreciate being lumped in with Spain.

          1. Lore*

            Oh, yeah, I wasn’t thinking a Portuguese person would understand Spanish because it’s the same as Portuguese. But I would have guessed that, given that Europeans are way more likely to be bilingual than Americans, Spanish was a more likely second language than English since it’s the neighboring country. Not so.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Ooh sounds fun! Spain and Portugal are on my list. :)

      As for #4, yes, internet planning in advance does limit you. I tried so hard not to overbook my stay in the UK in 2014. I like to leave a little room to just do whatever, especially in London, where one of my favorite things to do is deliberately get lost (you can’t really be lost as long as you can find a tube station). But big attractions get booked up so fast that advance planning is almost unavoidable.

      1. Pam*

        My usual travel planning is to break the day in three- morning, afternoon. and evening. I then only schedule things for two of the times, leaving me time to relax, drink tea, and people watch.

  25. Anon time*

    I’ve long had periods/bleeding that last forever. Usually not heavy bleeding, more like light spotting that can last for weeks. It doesn’t always happen, but it’s not surprising when it does. It’s been happening since I was at least 16. I also had a tough time getting pregnant, and did so with the help of femara, since my obgyn wasn’t sure I was ovulating.
    I’m getting tired of the random bleeding, but kinda suspect the answer will be “go on the pill” (I have a mirena, which I know lightens periods, but I don’t think causes weeks of spotting, which I also had pre mirena). I feel like maybe a reproductive endocrinologist might help? It’s just that anything related to fertility isn’t covered by my insurance, which feels unjust. I just want to be normal.

    1. Christy*

      It doesn’t sound like it’s related to fertility, though! It definitely sounds like it’s time to visit an endocrinologist, reproductive or otherwise.

      And if you’re totally done with having kids you could always go for tubal ligation plus endometrial ablation so just don’t get them anymore.

      2. fingers crossed*

        Ablation was such a godsend for me! I rave about it to anyone who is in a similar boat.

        I had terrible, massive periods lasting weeks and just insane amounts of output at times, coming on unexpectedly, ruining clothes. Plus the cramps associated with this situation – ugh.

        And then, I had ablation. The procedure was very easy, recovery minimal, and I have not had a period at all since 2007. I know some people still have lighter periods, but I haven’t had one. It is glorious. And it was covered by insurance.

    3. Nicki Name*

      I used to have bleeding that went on for weeks, and it turned out to be PCOS. Please talk to the endocrinologist, random bleeding is not good and fixing it isn’t a fertility treatment!

      (Incidentally, the answer to my PCOS symptoms was “go on the pill”, but that may not be the answer for everyone.)

      1. Turtlewings*

        PCOS was my first thought as well — it runs in my family. Definitely a condition to be aware of before you even get to the doctor’s office, because it’s one of those things that for some reason often takes multiple doctors before someone thinks to diagnose it.

      2. Observer*

        If that’s all your doctor told you, they weren’t doing their job.

        PCOS is a surprisingly complex condition, and for many women it means they need to be very aware of their diet and monitor certain health markers, such as insulin resistance. No one seems to know why this is the case, but that’s the reality.

        1. Christy*

          This. I have PCOS and the best treatment for me has been to eliminate most carbohydrates and all soy. My hormone levels are in normal range now. (I also take metformin.)

        2. Nicki Name*

          Oh, I get a lot of metabolic markers checked on a regular basis, and I’m aware of the further complications I may face someday. But I was exercising plenty at the time I was diagnosed, my diet was fine (diabetes runs in my family, as it does for many people with PCOS, so I’d already had a lot of diet advice in connection with that), and the one missing piece was something to stop the ridiculous bleeding and other hormonal symptoms. Going on the pill was a massive quality of life improvement.

    4. HBJ*

      Try to find a holistic wellness women’s health doctor (no, I don’t mean a naturopath or someone who calls themselves a doctor. I mean an actual MD who is focused on holistic solutions. You can find out if they’re a doctor who will look at other solutions by looking at reviews or asking friends.)

      Several of my friends and family go to one particular ob/gyn in our area. One friend, for example, had terribly cycles. The first doc recommended hormonal BC. That was not an option for her because she wanted to avoid the potential side effects (weight gain, mood swings, etc.) and wanted to get pregnant soon (she’d previously had an early miscarriage.) She heard about this doctor, and after some blood work, he prescribed progesterone because she did have low progesterone (which can cause miscarriage). Her periods regulated and were no longer lie-in-bed-and-gulp-pain-relievers painful. And she got pregnant easily and had a healthy baby a few months later.

    5. Observer*

      See a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). Make sure they code this correctly – You are not looking to get pregnant, you’re trying to diagnose the medical cause for menstrual problems. There are a number of possible reasons why this could be happening, and most of the them are medically significant, even if you never want to have another child.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Those were the symptoms I had with pretty bad fibroids. (And hiding among them was one that wasn’t a fibroid.)
      If you’re done having kids, there are several options: uterine fibroid embolization (only lasted a couple of years for me), ablation or a hysterectomy. I’ve been very happy with my hysterectomy, and wish I’d had it years earlier
      If you might want another baby, or at least the possibility, a simple D & C will get rid of the current fibroids (and give the pathologists plenty of tissue to check for anything nasty). Fibroids do grow back, though, so that isn’t a permanent solution.

      In addition to PCOS, ask about testing to rule out ovarian cancer. It’s treatable if diagnosed early, but seldom is.

  26. Happy Today*

    AJ Croce concert tonight! Son of Jim Croce. (Sadly most of the younger crowd doesn’t seem to know Jim or any of his songs.)

    1. Kathenus*

      Huge Jim Croce fan, have lots of CD’s of his music and fondly remember my vinyl ones as well. I didn’t know he had a son who is a singer. I’ll have to check this out. Have fun and thanks for sharing, hopefully I’ll be finding a new music interest later today!

    2. The Francher Kid*

      Agreed and that’s a real shame. Jim’s songs are three-minute novels beautifully told, and they feel so personal that it’s almost like you know him a bit. I was a college freshman when his death was announced and I remember how sad I felt, especially for his little son. I went home after class and played all of his records that I had and toasted him with soda (too young to drink) and mourned him and the music that died with him.

    3. GoryDetails*

      I didn’t know about his son’s career – enjoy the concert! (And now I have “Operator” running through my head – nice to have a flashback to my Jim-Croce-listening days…)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Someone says his name and I have an instant “You Don’t Mess Around With Jim” earworm.
        Not a bad one as earworm’s go. :)

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I had no idea he had a son who also sang! I’ll have to check that out.

      I’m a semi-younger person and know about Jim Croce’s music, but I also regularly listen to Stan Rogers music, and the non-local-to-me musician I’ve seen live the most times is Gordon Lightfoot, so I’m probably not a good example of what “normal” people in their 30s are aware of.

      1. C Average*

        I grew up on Gordon Lightfoot and can’t count the times I’ve seen him–even got to go backstage and meet him once!

        My partner and I watched the film “Yesterday” the other night and got to talking about which musician’s music we’d be best able to keep alive through sheer force of memory. Mine would definitely be Gord.

    7. Gatomon*

      Wow cool! I’ve been really getting into the oldies and Jim Croce has been a surprise favorite of mine. One of his songs was featured in the most recent season of Stranger Things, which made me smile.

      1. Christy*

        I got into Jim Croce because of Stranger Things! I’d heard his songs before but didn’t listen to his albums until Stranger Things and now I’m mildly obsessed. I almost went as rapid Roy the stock car boy for Halloween this year! (Not going anywhere with costumes, as it turns out, so I’m saving the idea.)

    8. C Average*

      Oh, I love Jim Croce!

      One of the novels that lives in my head and that I may one day write is about Leroy Brown and his sister Georgia. She’s sweet and he’s bad.

  27. Lena Clare*

    Menopause thread. I can’t remember who it was that recommended having a spare pair of undergarments with their extra pads/ tampons in their handbag, but omg what a lifesaver thank you.

    I’ve started carrying a “menopause pack” with me, containing new undies, pads and tampons, baby wipes, pain killers and make-up (because sweating).

    Any one else have any menopause hacks that helped them get through it?

    I spoke to my mum about hers. She said she didn’t really remeber it and it was ok for her. Someone on here also mentioned that we tend to hear the worst stories about it, but most menopauses are ok, and I’m relieved about that.

    I’m actually feeling pretty good about this change in my life right now.

    1. OperaArt*

      Routinely wearing reusable period panties such as Hesta/Rael. Good for unexpected leakages of more than one kind. (Sneezes, bladder, and menopause combined for a whole new experience.)
      I’m glad you’re feeling good about the life change. My best friend and I both rejoiced in it.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      I stayed on the pill for a few extra years because when I went off it, I started breaking out. New doc noticed and said hey you’re a migraneur do you want to have a stroke?

      I don’t so I stopped taking it and I have had to find the Clearasil aisle at Walgreen’s for the first time in 30 years.

      I had hoped that all the hot flash stuff would have happened while I was on the pill but nope it waited for now. It’s annoying but not unbearable. I had also hoped that hot flashes plus cold weather would equal perfectly comfortable, but that is not the way it works at all.

    3. Victoria, Please*

      Glad this came up bc I am wondering if it’s about that time. My doc recommended going off the pill, see what happens. I’m a little nervous, since things have been so predictable for decades and now, who knows.

    4. Mimmy*

      I never thought of a having “menopause pack”. I haven’t had any bleeding in over a year but hoooooo boy do I sweat!!

      The gynecologist (a nurse practitioner, not my usual doctor) confirmed menopause at my annual appointment a couple months ago. I’m feeling a little weirded out about it because I just turned 46 but began having hot flashes and irregular periods maybe 4 or 5 years ago, so I’m definitely on the younger side for this.

    5. Yup*

      For the husband’s out there, I recommend trying Estroven, which is a herbal supplement that really helped my wife with her hot flashes.

      She was literally getting hot flashes every 10 minutes and was driving me out of the room with open Windows in the dead of winter and fans on all the time.

      The Estroven was a relationship savor!

    6. Lizabeth*

      My obgyn refused to put me on hormone therapy for hot flashes. Mine were happening at night which tended to make me a very crabby person the next day. After a week of this I was definitely feeling postal. Found relief in an extended release (this is important!) low dose (75 mg) anti-depressant after reading about it somewhere. That worked wonders for me and recognizing hot flash triggers – alcohol (all types), caffeine and chocolate.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Thanks, I’m on antids, which are helping. Don’t want to try HRT. You’re right about the food triggers, I need to look into that more.

    7. Anonymosity*

      Flo has just been . . . absent. I can’t tell if I’m slightly hot because of that or because the weather is changing and the temperature is so bonkers. My doctor put me on a higher dose of thyroid meds and it made me feel awful, so I switched back, which also dialed back the heat.

      I keep hoping she’ll show back up, like maybe she’s on vacation and resting; I keep hearing about people who don’t see her for a while and then boom, there she is.

      I am not happy about this, not at all. I only wanted ONE baby. Was that too much to ask? No. No, it wasn’t. :'(

      1. Lena Clare*

        The sense of loss is hard. I don’t know how I’ll feel when my periods stop. At the moment, I have mostly good days of acceptance that I’ll never be a mum, and some days are more difficult.

    8. Quandong*

      If you can fit a folding fan in your menopause pack, and an evaporative cooling cloth, I highly recommend these to help manage hot flushes.

        1. Daisychain*

          I have had good results with accupuncture for my hot flashes and night sweats. For me it has not been a quick fix, but over the past few months there has been a noticeable improvement.

        2. Kuododi*

          I had a total hysterectomy following my first cancer diagnosis. That took away the issues around leakage, irregular periods etc. I still have crazy hotflashes. Couple of things I find helpful is lots of ice H2O and a freezer cold pack that I can wrap around my neck prn. Best wishes.

  28. Queer Earthling*

    Vampire hunting kit is pretty much done! We didn’t get around to putting straps in to hold everything down, but I’m pretty much okay with that right now.

    I hope an imgur gallery is okay! https://imgur.com/a/rgn55cR It doesn’t have close-ups of everything but it’s enough to get the idea, I think.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        What’s kind of cool is that sometimes you can buy antique ones–obviously not true Victorian, but sometimes from the Hammer Horror films from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. Most of the ones you see around are based on the aesthetic of those ones (including mine).

    6. Queer Earthling*

      Thanks, y’all! My spouse and I have both wanted one for AGES so it was so good to finally make one. They want to add a fancy Bible as well if there’s room for it.

      I’m just glad we’re finally prepared for vampires.

  29. Toast*

    I watched the latest season of brooklyn nine nine, then went back and watched the pilot. It’s soooo different!!! Ahhh. Rosa’s voice, Petralta’s character, the relationships… most sitcom pilots I can’t stand tbh lol.

    1. Bluesboy*

      I think most pilots are bad, because they try to introduce 5 or 6 main characters and have you understand who they really are in 25 minutes, as well as squeezing a story in.

      Have you heard Rosa’s voice in real life? I couldn’t believe how different it was!

  30. Old Child in the City*

    I can’t tell if I’m reasonable or just being a grouchy 31 year old.

    I’ve lived in my apartment building in Manhattan (Gramercy) for a year. It’s older and my rent is reasonable so I try to keep my expectations in line with that. Since August, people have started throwing loud parties in my building on the weekends. In the last year, I never remember hearing much noise at all and now it’s every. weekend. At first, I thought it was just the apartment next to me(they are definitely in college) but last night I heard it from multiple apartments but it’s unclear which ones they are. I know it’s parties because I can hear loud drunk people yelling in the stairwells. I live about a mile from NYU and I’ve seen students on my street so I have a feeling my property manager is renting to more students this year than before.

    My qualm is- The music isn’t loud enough to keep me awake but the faint bass booming through the walls drives me insane. I understand it’s NYC and apartments are small so I deal with street noise- I have for the last year- but I live in this (pricier than most others in Manhattan) neighborhood because it’s generally kept to a minimum. I also understand being in college and wanting to have parties.

    So I’m torn if I’m being unreasonable or if I should say something to property management. Now that I know it’s not just the apt next to me, I’m a little more inclined to consider this a building problem and not just a me problem. Maybe I just hate feeling like that boring, old person who wants to rain on the fun parade!

    1. Toast*

      Tbh this is a new one for me. Yeah you could complain and that’s acceptable. I dunno what kinda parties are happening, or how crazy they get. But also….. you live in NYC. Downtown. If it’s not a party, it’s a siren or a bar or construction. That’s the best answer I have.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        There is a huge difference between noise from a siren and noise from your neighbors. We live in cities, we expect outside noise. We live in apartments, we expect noise– within reason. Long, loud, frequent parties are not reasonable. Especially if there’s bass that permeates through the building. Even earplugs don’t help with that.

        I used to live directly across the street from a bar that opened its front windows every Friday and Saturday night and hosted a bongo band. It sucked but earplugs worked and it was a bar. If the same noise had happened in the apartment below me, every weekend, I would have been pissed.

    2. Toast*

      In other words, there are other places in New York City that are quieter than literally the party center of New York City.

      2. Ramona Q*

        I’m not convinced you know New York very well at all if you’d say that of Gramercy. There is no one “party center” in a city of eight million, but I lived in one of them for six years, and even there you could certainly ask your neighbors to keep it down.

    3. Washi*

      Following to see what advice you get! We are in an ongoing feud with our next door neighbor because he has his sub woofer right against our shared living room wall. The music is audible but not overly loud, but hearing the base through the walls drives me insane. It like, worms its way into my brain and it is impossible to relax. He won’t even consider moving his speakers away from the wall and now he has stopped turning down the bass when we ask. I’m struggling with a similar question of how reasonable it is to be upset and taking more aggressive action (we’ve complained to management once and are considering conplaining every time his does it- about 1-3x/week). I’m curious what the commentariat thinks!

    4. alex b.*

      Some things:
      A) I’m so curious what a “reasonable” rent in that area is.

      B) I dated a guy in an NYU grad. program for a while, and he lived near campus: vomit on the streets most mornings, terrible noise pollution at all hours, limited affordable stuff nearby… It was just generally an unpleasant area to live. I never wanted to stay over because of it.

      C) You’re not being unreasonable, but there is likely nothing to be done, and I definitely wouldn’t complain without a clear case to the Super (’cause that’s someone you want on your side). If anything, you could maaaybe talk to commiserating neighbors and identify the specific unit that’s causing the problem and give management the info. But… I dunno. I have very little faith that it would solve anything. They have paying renters and can easily fill empty units; why would they care?

      D) Again, you’re not being unreasonable, and I also would be driven mad there.

      E) Join us in Brooklyn. :) I’m a crotchety, early-30s person who works in the city, and I love it. No drunk partiers disrupt my home-time.

      Good luck!!!

    5. Anon Here*

      I live in a really chill, quiet area of NYC. There are plenty of neighborhoods like that in the other boroughs. I would encourage you to check out the lands beyond Manhattan and consider moving. Obviously, there are a lot of options. But you might be surprised by what the rest of the city has to offer. It’s huge.

    6. Okay*

      You’re not being unreasonable. Renters have the right to peace and quiet in their apartments.

      Unfortunately, landlords/property managers ARE unreasonable and don’t give a crap about their tenant’s well-being, so don’t expect them to do anything.

      1. Lilith*

        I’ve read about neighbors being passive aggressive& playing loud opera music (or other music you think you neighbor would abhor). All this is to make a point that “we can hear you, doofus.”

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Eh, I tried that with bagpipe Christmas carols once (I bought a poorly-labeled 3 CD set), and the rock band living next door didn’t even notice.

          What actually worked was when a cranky neighbor lit into them about how loud they were being, but they were the only college kids living in what was otherwise a pretty much all families with little kids complex. (They’d apparently been under the impression that there was a lot of soundproofing between the units. No, no there was not. I think it was their first time living in apartments as “adults” rather than single family homes with their parents, which didn’t help.) This would probably not work nearly as well in a building where more of the renters were students.

        2. That Girl from Quinn's House*

          I second this only if you think they are college students. A taste of their own medicine (loud opera music at 8 am the next day, when they are sleeping off their hangovers) might work wonders.

    7. Caterpie*

      Document, document, document. Every time you hear music for longer than like 20 minutes I’d say, write it down in a log including dates, times, duration, any steps you took to remedy, etc. We had a neighbor problem earlier this year and the management was finally able to do something (the neighbors were either evicted or paid the fine to break the lease, not sure), after we gave the management a document with a few months worth of logs of them being loud every day.

      They did cause a lot of damage to their unit, as well as the plumbing for our half of the building so that may have contributed more to management taking action, but keeping a log definitely helped communicate the extent of the issue to our landlord.

    8. Jane of all Trades*

      You’re not unreasonable! (Ugh, also, are you me? I’ve had people move in across the courtyard and they keep having these parties where everybody sings at the top of their lungs for hours. Sometimes it’s “take me home, country roads”, yesterday it was the little mermaid).
      If I were you I’d report it to 311 whenever they do it. You can file an online report and then check on it the next day or so.
      And yes, you should also talk to your super. Good luck!

  31. families!*

    I was accepted in writing masterclass and I am in shock! I am so happy, it’s a writer I love but I have only been writing for a 2 seconds and my brain is telling me I don’t deserve it/it was a mistake and I will be there and now know what to say – it’s like I’m having writer’s block before even being in the class. Any good tips to get back to the present and relax?

    1. Victoria, Please*

      Exercise and breathe. :-) the overwhelming elation will pass, leaving just the thrill. Congratulations!!!

    2. Toast*

      Remember that the teachers want you there because you are paying their rent. Hahahaha. Seriously though, I used to teach “extracurricular” lessons to adults and they’d be so stressed when they were too busy at work to practice. I didn’t care! My job was to help.

      Also deciding to write something bad can help. You’re not a genius. Edit later.

  32. I leased a new car*

    The lease on my car was ending in May so we had to start thinking about what to do with it–extend the lease, trade in, or return and go with a different model. I was torn because I wanted something new but even though it was just a lease car, i had a lot of sentimental value attached to it. It was my very first one, and my father was a huge part of the process. He was so happy that I could get us a brand new car. I was paying the insurance and my dad paid the monthly installment.

    About 6-7 months after getting the car, I was floating around the idea that I’ll take over hte payments…it was my way of saying “relax, I got this.” I got my license at 30 and my dad never made me feel ashamed of waiting so late in life to get one. One month after I floated around the idea, he died. For 3 months after he died, I had a lot of “firsts” that were driving related and had me bawling in public: driving on the highway for the first time, driving in to the city for the first time, reverse parking for the first time…getting my first ticket lol. I was gutted when an anonymous hit and run driver destroyed my car.

    We ended up getting the new car right then and there. We had to update the policy and cancelled the old one which had my dad on it. It’s like, slowly bits of him are being erased.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Oh boy, do I understand that erasing stuff. Ugh.
      You may find that it’s good to realize it’s the intangibles we most often get to keep.
      Your dad helped you get that car. You will be able to keep this memory, no one can take the memory of his help away from you.
      He was happy you had a new car. You can think of him cheering you on each time you attain something a bit better in life. You know for a fact he would cheer your new accomplishment also.

      After my husband passed, I did not want to get rid of the last car me and my husband bought together. The car was so bad, friends would cover their eyes as I pulled away, they did not want to watch the car break apart into pieces. So finally I got rid of it. It felt like I got rid of another part of my husband. Logically, it was a car, not the husband himself. Logic did not help here.

      Grief is real odd this way, odd things can throw us right back into grief and blindside us in the process. Feel the feeling. Go ahead and feel sad . Say to the four walls, or the keyboard, “Damn, I still miss my dad.”
      Losing a parent is one of the bigger losses in life for many reasons. You might find it helpful to realize that the pang never fully goes away. A change in expectations can lighten the load. I lost my father 20 plus years ago. I was just thinking of him yesterday and wondering what he would say about the world we have now. This is how my grief over his loss manifests now. What used to be tears and pangs in my chest have now become random thoughts that cross my mind at weird times. This is my grief still playing out.

      Time will be kind regarding the car. You will make happy memories with this car also. The next time you have to buy a car you won’t feel as gutted. I went on to buy two more cars since my husband died. I really liked the first car I bought. When I got rid of it a friend said, “That car was so YOU!” I was sad about losing that one, but I no longer felt safe with it. Now I have this new-to-me car. I do like it and it has run well for the few years I have had it. I splurged and bought studded tires for it. I am feeling spoiled rotten, I tell ya. Friends have said very encouraging things about car number two and that also has helped.

      You will always have your dad in your heart and in your mind. And no one can take that from you. Ever.

      1. MOAS*

        Thanks NSNR you always have the best things to say.

        Initially I was going to write about the whole leasing process but once I started writing it turned in to this.

        Funny thing, I was talking to my brother while we were doing the paperwork and told him my fond memory of how happy Dad was to get a brand new car in 2017…he was like…”the BMW I got for us in 1998 was brand new, 0 miles!” he wasn’t angry, he was laughing.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I lost my dad as a child in the 70s, and my mom a few years ago. Yes, NSNR is right, the loss stays with us. And yes, so do the good memories.
        My dad was a huge sports fan, so I find myself thinking of him a lot during World Series season.

    2. Rebeccasmiles*

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. Your last sentence just crushed me—my mama died in 2015, and I so felt what you wrote. Hugging you with my heart…

    3. tab*

      This Carolyn Hax column appeared a few days before my dad died this year. I found it very comforting (especially the last couple of paragraphs). I hope you do too. I’m very sorry about your dad…

      Dear Carolyn,
      I wrote in before about my mom having stage 4 cancer. Unfortunately, she passed
      away. I spent as much time as I could with her, but it still was not enough. Now what
      do I do? I cannot even fathom how I will get through the funeral, much less the rest of
      my life.
      — Grieving

      I’m so sorry about your mom.
      I hope I didn’t imply in my earlier answer that spending extra time with your mom
      could ever be “enough” — to ease the pain, blunt the force of the loss, preempt the
      grief, whatever else. I’m not even sure these are possible.
      The reason for devoting your time was simpler than that — to enjoy her companionship
      while you still could.
      There are ancillary benefits, too, of course. Your presence no doubt was a huge comfort
      to her at a scary time, and now you’re also at lower risk of looking back and regretting
      that you weren’t there for her enough.
      Now that she’s gone? You do as you did before: Keep living. The best you can. And I
      don’t mean being happy-happy-happy or excellent at everything or some other
      misconception of “best.” I mean by living fully, not trying to dodge the messier parts of
      being human.
      Cry when you need to, as hard as you need to. Don’t be afraid of the pain, or the
      intense love for your mom that makes this loss so painful. Don’t be afraid to love — and
      cry on! — others in your life. It might feel awkward sometimes, even scary, since love
      brings with it the risk of another loss, always. But such love at good times is the stuff
      worth living for. And is contained in the people worth leaning on.
      Keep in mind, too, when you feel afraid of how much you feel: Such intensity can’t be
      sustained. It’s OK not to know where all the feelings are going to go. They will settle in
      their time, so trust that.
      If you’re feeling dangerously out of control or bleak, then do seek help. Grief counseling
      often has a lower barrier to entry than other forms — in groups, for example, that you
      can find by calling a hospice provider for a referral, meaning no long preamble to an
      appointment.
      As for the rest of your life, I know more about that than I ever wanted to, becoming a
      mother after I no longer had a mother myself.
      Here’s the thing. I miss her, daily, awfully. But she is also with me in everything I do.
      What she taught me, what she felt for me, what I felt for her, even what mistakes she
      made, and what awful things I did and said to her as she raised me (or as she threw up
      her hands and let the universe take over) — all of it informs who I am and how I
      interact with the world. You guys don’t know how much you know my mom.
      I used to be overcome with sadness that my kids would never know their grandma, but
      I’m not anymore because it’s so obvious to me now how much she is in their lives.
      You will find your way through this. She raised you for this part, too.

      1. MOAS*

        This made me cry. Almost 2 years and sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday. ThedayIfound out is a loop thatplays in my mind multipletimes a day

  33. Ada*

    Hi all! Does anyone have any tips for dealing with a long distance move? Especially handling the gap while all your stuff is in transit?

    Assuming we get confirmation that the apartment is being held for us (just mailed in the deposit a couple days ago), it’s looking like we’ll be moving from Florida to North Carolina late next month. We’re still trying to find the best way to get our stuff up there (Pods? UHaul? Actual moving company, since we’ll need to hire labor regardless?). From the estimates I’ve seen so far though, it sounds like if we go with something like a moving company or Pods, there could be a 1-3 *week* gap while our things are in transit. Unfortunately, we’re on a budget and can’t afford a hotel for that long of a time period, and we don’t have any friends or family in NC we could stay with, either. Do people just sleep on the floor and eat out for the better part of a month in these cases? All we have is a small sedan that we’re driving up there, and there only so much we can fit in it (including our cat and her supplies).

    Has anyone done something like this before? I’d really appreciate any tips you could share!

    1. Anono-me*

      You may want to look at a company called Estes (I think) if you decide to go with not having your stuff right away. And then just camp out on an inflatable mattress until it arrives.

      But since you are concerned about your budget, Please be aware that crossing a state line when moving makes a significant difference in the cost of hiring a professional mover. You might want to look at having professional movers pack a U-Haul or Ryder Rental and then driving it yourself and then having professional movers unload.

      And the advice I always give to anyone moving is to take the first appointment of the day. You don’t want to be waiting and hoping that the people ahead of you didn’t have a crisis.

    2. NewReadingGlasses*

      I’ve done it several times. I slept on the floor and did I a minimal kitchen. It was ok, though I was really glad when my bed arrived. I recommend a move in “kit” with a roll of toilet paper, paper towels, soap, camping sleep pad, your favorite pillow, one set of bedding, one good knife, shower curtain and towel, bowl and spoon, one or two easy comfort food items (tea, soup mix, etc), and maybe a couple of spices that you like. For everything else, pack what will fit, then plan a trip to the local thrift store and get what kitchen stuff you need but couldn’t fit in the car. Wait about a day before you do this, and get the “ wows I really wish I had x,” items. I also moved with a cat, and the air mattress did NOT work out. Also an inexpensive (perhaps folding) chair and table will help, try someplace like Target at the destination, unless you have something that fits in the car.

    4. Kathenus*

      Like NewReadingGlasses I’ve done this numerous times, and second these suggestions. I’ve always done movers, and always packed myself. Most times work well but one time with a discount flat rate mover my stuff was in transit for five weeks! So being prepared for the unexpected is important. Agree that you need to identify the basic supplies – personal, bathroom, kitchen, new job, etc. that you absolutely need and either have these in the car with you or ship them in advance by UPS/FedEx or similar. I slept on an air mattress during the transition. And if you’re planning on replacing any items like major furniture, TV, etc. then you can prioritize buying those as soon as you arrive and have a few creature comforts until the bulk of your stuff arrives. It’s a pain, but it’s pretty easy to deal with. You’ll end up buying a few things you forgot to have with you, and if you do it again you’ll add those to the list the next time – I definitely did. Just think of it as camping inside a house :)

    5. Keener*

      When I had a similar situation I thought of it as indoor camping and took the basics in my car/acquired them there. Camp chairs in the living room, airbed, very basics in the kitchen: one or two pots, one plate, bowl, fork etc per person.

      Alternatively, delay getting your place for a month and use the rent money foram air bnb. Some have discounted weekly or monthly rates. Good luck!

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      >Do people just sleep on the floor and eat out for the better part of a month in these cases?
      Um, yes? unless they think about it ahead of time?

      Find room in your small car for some kitchen basics (one pot, one lid, one frying pan, one sharp knife, a cutting board, a mixing bowl, a spatula, 2-4 mugs, 2-4 bowls, cutlery for 2 people, and several dish towels). When you get to your new home you can survive on minimal cooking–scrambled eggs, breakfast cereal, salad-in-a-bag, rotisserie chicken, frozen pizza, frozen vegetables & fresh fruit.) Buy paper plates and dish soap to wash the other stuff. Either pack or buy (in the new place) enough cleaning supplies to get the kitchen clean enough to suit your standards. (No offense–some people scrub a new place ferociously; other folks give a minimal wipe-down.)

      For sleep supplies, buy an inflatable floor mattress in the new place, or take camping supplies or just plain old bedding. (Revise this plan if you have back pain or any other serious physical considerations!) Also pack a few bath- and hand-size towels, hand and body soap, a bath mat (or an old towel) and some kind of shower curtain. It won’t be glamorous but you’ll manage.

      Buy a used chair and table from a thrift store or Craigslist. Either buy something you want to keep long-term or just get something inexpensive and donate it back when your own furniture arrives. If you’re going to Durham check out the Scrap Exchange which just started a thrift shop in addition to their large collection of art supplies/teaching items/sewing supplies/misc. items that could still be very useful to somebody.

      For our last move several years ago I did NOT plan ahead! I just tried not to think about how much we spent on take-out. Denial isn’t the best financial plan but sometimes life is less than perfect. Admittedly we had extra delays due to keeping kosher: lots of extra scrubbing, ritually pouring boiling water on surfaces or heating things up for an hour and then waiting 24 hours after cleaning or heating or scrubbing before actually using the sink or stove or oven. (Standards for keeping kosher can vary. Do what works best for you, your community, and your sanity.) I was working full-time so had less free time and energy which made all home tasks go even slower.

    7. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      I have done this for two cross-country moves! You are lucky that you’re driving, because for both of our moves we flew and had to fit two week’s worth of essentials, plus all our valuables, small electronics, and important papers, into 2 checked bags and 2 carryons. I don’t know how we got bags full of random electronics through the TSA checkpoint without being strip searched, but we did.

      For sleeping and bathing, we brought: A queen air mattress, a set of sheets, two travel sized pillows, two thin towels (the kind you get in a 2-pack at Target for $5 thin), two washcloths (again, the cheap thin kind) and a fleece blanket.

      For clothes, bring a little over a week’s worth of clothes, and then just plan on doing laundry weekly until the rest of your stuff comes.

      For cooking, you are SO lucky you have a car. A plate, bowl, cup, fork/knife/spoon per person, plus a small set of nesting measuring cups, a frying pan, a cookie sheet, a spatula, and a 2 quart saucepan takes care of most cooking needs. We had to eat out, or eat carryout from the grocery store, frozen meals with paper plates/plastic forks, chicken nuggets cooked on tinfoil no pan, etc., because we couldn’t bring any cooking gear on the plane. We have a bialetti stove top coffee maker, which we brought for coffee.

      Plan for having a shower curtain/curtain hooks on hand, too.

      We also brought our modem with us, so we’d have internet until the last minute in our old place and arranged for service to be turned on as soon as we arrived in the new place.

      Scout out where the nearest drugstore/discount big box store/grocery store is to your new place so you don’t get tempted to overpack cheap things you “might need.”

      For the cat, my family swears by disposable turkey pans as travel kitty boxes, you can just put them in the trash when you’re done so you’re not moving a dirty catbox.

      Good luck with your move!

    8. Ranon*

      You can fit a lot in a small sedan! If it’s got a rear seat it has rear footwells, you can easily fit enough stuff to cook with in there, with space for other stuff too. And there’s always Goodwill/ thrift stores to pick up some bigger pots and pans if you find you need them, just think of it like a rental and drop them off as a donation when you’re done.

      It goes fast, there’s so much other stuff to do like updating drivers licenses and all that stuff that the time until the movers get there will pass quickly.

    9. Red Sky*

      Husband and I did this from northern CA to central TX also with a cat about 10 yrs ago. Sold all our non-essential items then loaded up a U-Haul with trailer to tow our car (also packed stuff we might need quickly in car). We rented hotel rooms in advance after mapping out how long it would take us between each stop, as we didn’t want to drive straight thru. If I were doing the same move today, I’d hire someone to load and unload the U-Haul, because I like having my stuff in my possession without having to worry about additional fees or delays.

      PS – We originally had the cat in a carrier in the cab of the u-haul, but after about 45 mins of constant meowing we let him out and he settled right in on a pillow between us high enough so he could see out the windshield. We also had the litter box in the car we were towing and took potty breaks every few hours. We did make sure he had his collar with tags on at all times and got him a harness/leash for whenever we took him out of the u-haul whether it was to use litter box or checking in to hotels.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One thing I can add…if your cat isn’t chipped, get it done as insurance in case she gets out. Lost pets are heartbreaking.
      I’ll second the kitchen basics idea–think bare minimum like for camping. One pan and one pot, one knife & smallest cutting board, one plate, bowl, fork, spoon, mug for each of you. a zip lock baggie with a dish cloth & dish soap. If your new place wont have a stove yet, spend space on a toaster oven or get one there–with aluminum foil you can cook enough to avoid eating out.
      Also join your local Buy Nothing and/or Freecycle groups for new basics, even if you plan to re-post them there yourself after your things are delivered.

    11. Teapot*

      If you have an IKEA near your new place, you could do what we did: buy a cheap Ikea mattress, linens, hot plate and pot once you get there. We were flying, so we didn’t have much space for stuff (air mattresses and cooking utensils take up way too much space and are HEAVY). In your case, I would pack an air mattress just because the IKEA mattresses are supposed to air out for 3 days, and they do have a smell if you use them immediately. But I couldn’t sleep on an air mattress for more than a few nights, so it made the long wait for furniture actually bearable.

    12. Slartibartfast*

      Ahh memories :) Went from Illinois to California with a cat and a midsize Buick, then Cali to Michigan in a mid 80s Ford Escort hatchback, with a cat. We smuggled her in and out of the hotels in a duffel bag, by day 2 she was sleeping in the bag in the car. We did a disposable litter tray in the back seat on the floor. Being young, a cheap air mattress and some pillows on the floor until the furniture arrived was fine, and we used a box for a kitchen table and sat on the floor. Paper plates, sandwiches, and carry out food is what we lived on for the 2-3 weeks everything was in transit. If you use professional movers, be aware they pack EVERYTHING unless you explicitly tell them not to. I told them to leave the litter box, and they did but they packed the litter scoop on top of the box and the rug that was underneath it. They also packed the open loaf of bread that was on the counter, so we had a fun game of “find the bread” when our stuff arrived, and a bet on what it would look like (half bread, half potting soil if you’re curious). Treat it as an adventure, and indoor camping is a good way to look at it.

    13. KR*

      We camped out on an inflatable mattress. We didn’t eat out a ton but we had one pan and one pot and just cleaned them a lot. We used the laundromat. We used paper plates. It was annoying as the movers had my vaccum and I wanted to clean our new place and I was living out of a suitcase. We also got pizza a lot. I would advise that you pack everything into your car when the movers come so it’s a)not in a place where it will get accidentally packed and b)you know it fits/have a dry run of packing the car. I thought I could fit everything in my car but it turns out I had the movers leave out too much, so I ended up having to ship it. If you can’t fit the air mattress in the car, either mail it up there or buy a new one when you get there. We also had the movers pick up our stuff a week before we left so it was only a week without our furniture on the other side. Honestly I thought it would be a big pain but the most annoying part was that my spouse got there beforehand and had just thrown his stuff everywhere, not in boxes or anything, but I didn’t have any hangers to hang it up or anything. Jokes on him as the dog started using his clothes piles as a bed.

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Air mattress. Buy it when you get there if needed. And take only the minimum for cat supplies in the car – buy what you need at the new place. Basically, just camp. Treat it as an adventure rather than an inconvenience and you’ll feel better at least.

      I did PODs type thing on the first move (out of parents house), so I just stayed at their house until the stuff was supposed to arrive in the new state. It was late, but I survived. the 2nd move, I found a moving van company that would put your stuff on, then a wall, then fill up the truck with something else. Took a couple days longer but was cheaper.

    15. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

      I’m late to this but moved with my husband and my cat from FL to NC five years ago. We loaded up my car (I had a big dog crate in the back for my cat so she could have a bed, litterbox and water – this was a total waste because she was so terrified the whole time she did not drink or pee), and put the rest in a U Haul (actually Penske because it was so much cheaper than U Haul). We drove over two days, I drive my car with the screaming cat and husband drove the moving truck. We bought walkie talkies so we could communicate quickly and easily (about gas or food stops) without having to fiddle with phones. The walkie talkies were GREAT but we did not bring nearly enough batteries!

      For my cat, I had sprayed everything with Feliway in an effort to make her more comfortable, but that didn’t seem to help at all. I would just tell you to be prepared for a very upset cat. It was handy to have the litterbox once we arrived at our hotel but the big crate was totally unnecessary.

      Good luck!

    16. EH*

      My partner and I (and our two cats) moved from Silicon Valley up to Portland, OR about 6 years ago with a Pod. We did all our packing, carefully choosing what we wanted to take up ourselves and what would go in the Pod. Then we had movers take all the boxes and stuff down and load the Pod. We had sold a lot of our furniture, so when we got up here we hit IKEA and got the basics. That plus the stuff we loaded into our cars was plenty to get by until the Pod came a couple weeks later. We had local movers take the boxes from the Pod to the right floors (two story house plus basement – we carefully marked everything’s destination and labeled the rooms in our house, iirc.). It was kind of fun to start unpacking – the movers were so fast we had hours left in the day and got a bunch done.

      TLDR; I VERY HIGHLY recommend having professionals schlepp your stuff to and from the Pod, if you can afford it. It goes incredibly fast and then you’re not totally exhausted before you even begin unpacking.

    17. Shark Lady*

      Also late, but I’m moving from Missouri to Georgia next month and am in the middle of packing hell. I’m using the same service as when I moved from Louisiana to Missouri–ABF Upack. Last time, my stuff got to Missouri before I did; it only took about 2 days? You can usually arrange delivery pretty quickly once it’s there, and you also have the option of loading/unloading your cube at their terminal (which is cheaper). Or you can have them store your cube until you’ve got a place, which is what I’m doing. It’s a bit more expensive than renting a truck, but it’s a lot more convenient.

  34. Jabberwock*

    Buying a House for the First Time

    I’m looking to buy a house for the first time in the next six months or so. Any advice for a first time home buyer? I’m also interested to know what unexpected costs/fees you ran into.

    1. Sunflower Sea Star*

      It’s worth it to hire an agent to navigate you through the process and represent your interests. I say that as someone who is not an agent, doesn’t have any relatives or friends who are, but really benefitted from the advice and help of the agents who helped us find our homes.
      Also, get preapproval on a loan so you have an idea of the ballpark you’re shopping in. And buy less than the max you qualify for so you don’t overstretch yourself. When we were buying our second home, we bought something that cost about 2/3 of what the mortgage company approved us for, and I think that was the best financial decision we ever made. We were able to do a 15 year instead of a 30, and we paid it off in 12 years, which means that since then we’ve been able to save a lot for retirement, pay our kids college tuition, etc.
      So don’t buy bigger than you need!

      1. Venus*

        The ‘buy less than the max’ depends upon lifestyle. I want to take public transit, which saves me a lot in car payments, but banks don’t take this into account so I bought close to my max amount yet I will pay it off quite quickly (10-15 years).

        But I agree with the concept – try to buy what you can comfortably afford (keeping in mind that housing prices here aren’t affordable, so there isn’t much of a choice)

        1. Natalie*

          I’d say the key is to figure out what you can afford yourself and not use the bank’s pre-approval amount as a guideline. At least when I was buying a few years ago the amount the bank thought I could afford was pretty bananas.

    2. Ethyl*

      See if you can take a class for first-time homeowners. We did and I felt soooo much more comfortable after knowing all the steps and processes and procedures and whatnot. Also good to learn about all the different programs your state/county/city may have for first-time home buyers!

    3. ThatGirl*

      Always get a home inspection, and definitely pay for a real estate lawyer (usually this is rolled into your closing costs). We had to back out of a purchase after a terrible inspection and I was really glad we did.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, get an inspection and write your offer so it’s contingent on the inspection. Have a real estate lawyer look over your papers. Ours found another $2000 we would owe at closing for real estate taxes. Had we spent our max for the house, we’d have had to abandon the purchase.
        Unless you hire a buyer’s agent, real estate agents work for the SELLER, not you. Real estate agents are bound by contract to get the highest price and the best terms for the SELLER. Please remember that and don’t say or do things that will hurt your negotiations.
        Read all you can about buying houses, then learn all you can about your area. You will find cheap houses in bad areas. Where you live will definitely affect your quality of life.
        Become a student in house buying and put some time into your education. It’s a big deal.

        1. Ethyl*

          I’m not sure where you are located, but where I live in upstate NY, the buyer’s real estate agent is paid by the seller, not the buyer.

          1. Jane of all Trades*

            They are technically paid by the seller (as in, their fee comes out of the sales price) but they are an agent for the buyer, and represent the buyer’s interest and owe a fiduciary duty to the buyer. The listing agent / seller’s agent, works for the seller.
            As a buyer you should engage a buyers agent to help you navigate the process.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Seconding Sunflower Sea Star’s comments, and I’ll add:
      –Be prepared for the process to last longer than you think it will. In our case, it took quite awhile to find something that we really liked, and once we did, we were faced with a recalcitrant seller who worked at their own pace, to put it politely. It took us nearly 10 months from the day we first started looking to the day we moved into our new home.
      –Don’t ignore the home inspection. Some folks will say that it’s an unimportant part of the process or suggest that you waive it if you’re in a competitive bidding process. In our case, it stopped us from purchasing an apartment with a severe electrical issue and probably saved us from making an extremely expensive mistake.
      –Find an agent/Realtor you are really comfortable with. You’ll be working closely with them for a few months and in our case, they were a lifesaver who helped us bett navigate every step of the process.

    5. Venus*

      I didn’t have a lot of unexpected fees, so do research on it and you should be fine. Lawyer, building inspector, city fee, insurance fee… they were all known and planned for. The building inspector will likely find some things which need fixing, so I mentally include those in the cost of the new place.

      I do have one bit of advice which I give to everyone their first time, and it is applicable to you given your comment: For the first year you will likely feel that you are spending a *lot* of money. I had planned for all of it, yet I still felt that I was always handing over more, although that feeling went away after the first 6-12 months. Years later, it was clearly the better financial decision (which I knew because I compared rental / purchase prices and had a good home inspection), but at the time it was a feeling of always bleeding money. If you know to expect it then it doesn’t seem so bad.

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      As for unexpected costs – the most noteworthy were the ones that came after purchase:
      –Painting was more expensive than we anticipated; it ran into the thousands of dollars to have it done by a pro, and that was for an apartment.
      –In our area, the home inspection (while worth every penny) was more than $500 for something that took less than an hour — much more than the $150-200 or so we were told it would be.
      –Also, check the appliances. We were so excited to find a home we liked that we glossed over the appliances. Because they all had digital displays and were cleaned really well and we didn’t know any better–coming from a crappy rental apartment with Brand X appliances–we saw them as modern looking, but they were all more than 15 years old. The refrigerator crapped out after six months and the dishwasher soon after; the two appliances together ran north of $3,000.
      –Closing costs can be pretty significant (bank fees, attorney fees etc.), but vary widely from place to place and situation to situation.

      1. Sometimes Always Never*

        When I sold my house, the buyer wanted some kind of insurance included for the appliances, heating/ac system, etc. (blanking on the name), and since all of that was stuff that was there (and well-used, even when I had bought the house several years prior), it made sense. The insurance was cheap and made the buyer more comfortable buying. However, I don’t know the quality of that type of insurance, how easy it is to make a claim and get paid, etc., so I can’t comment on whether it’s worth it, but something to maybe look into.

        Also, go on the house inspection with the inspector and ask questions. They can tell show you where the water service shutoff to your house is (don’t want to be looking for it in an emergency!), where the furnace filters go, etc. Some inspectors are happy to share their knowledge with you, and it can be very helpful! They can even give you ballpark estimates for fixing more minor things.

        1. ThatGirl*

          We had a home warranty when we bought our house and it was basically useless. Our AC conked out and they wouldn’t cover it because it “had been improperly maintained” as if we had anything to do with that.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            My home warranty was useless on my heat pump for the same reason, but replaced my hot water heater without batting an eyelash, so I’ve found it really depends.

            1. Sometimes Always Never*

              Thanks for letting me know. I had always wondered how well the home warranty had worked for my buyer — if anything went wrong, I hope it did! From my side, providing it gave her extra comfort/incentive when buying, but I remember at the time thinking it seemed possibly questionable.

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                I mean, I keep paying for it. The hot water heater would have cost me more than the premiums had to date, so. :) I just *also* keep an extra emergency fund in case the warranty company gets skeezy.

    7. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Think about which things are deal-breakers for you and which are just nice-to-haves. Everyone’s list is different, and you won’t get everything you want, but if you can think of which 2 or 3 things are most important to you it can keep you focused on looking places you actually want to live.

      My “must have” list was:
      * At least 2 bathrooms
      * Some form of reserved parking (garage/driveway/whatever)
      * Safe walk (sidewalks and such) to a commercial area with at least one place to eat, and ideally several
      * Safe walk to frequent service public transit
      *No HOA (I didn’t want to live some place with lots of fussy rules about house color or lawn ornaments)

      I didn’t even go look at places that didn’t fit that list. It took my realtor a while to realize that I meant it about the walkability (I’d look at places on Google Street View to see the sidewalk situation in front of the house and on nearby major roads), and I pretty much had to confirm that each place she wanted to show me met my list even though I’d told her about it repeatedly, but it saved me from falling in love with the right house in the wrong neighborhood.

      I also wanted, but didn’t require:
      * Both a living room and a den/rec room
      * 3+ bedrooms
      * A good place for a home office
      * Not all bedrooms in the same part of the house so I could get a renter
      * No carpets
      * All bathrooms to have only one door into them rather than multiple doors from different rooms
      * Lots of street parking for visitors
      * No immediate home repair needs
      * Lots of storage
      * Air conditioning
      * Furnace rather than baseboard heat
      * A big kitchen
      * If multi-level, could live only on the main level if needed without, say, the only showers being up a flight of stairs

      I … did not get all of the things on that second list, and definitely did not insist a house had all of those things before I’d even look at it, but it helped me to know what to look for and helped me weigh the pluses and minuses of each place I looked at.

      I ended up getting the third house I put in an offer on, and I definitely got faster about making a decision as time went on. I agonized quite a bit over that first house that I offered on (they had it on the market collecting offers for several weeks, and someone else could offer a lot more over list than I did, so I didn’t get it get in the end but I dragged multiple family members through for the open house and such), but by the third one I was able to make a snap decision that it was “close enough” the same day I heard about it and immediately called in late to work so I could go tour it. It’s not the perfect house, but it sure is nice not to be looking anymore.

    8. Filosofickle*

      All my experience is in an extremely expensive part of CA, so my experience may not be relevant.

      It’s a much more emotionally intense process than I expected. I found buying a bit like a runaway train…it’s easy to get swept up in it and feel overwhelmed or pressured. Take the time to get clear on what you want/need. Know your limits and try to keep a clear head so a sense of urgency doesn’t override red flags. Listen to your gut! If something feels wrong or weird, speak up.

      On that note, ask tons of questions, especially follow-up questions. Sellers are legally obligated to disclose issues, but there’s a lot that falls into the category of “not hiding the truth but also not telling the whole truth”. If there’s something like…roof repairs or new siding, don’t take “it’s been fixed!” at face value. Ask what the problem was that led to the repair, if they found anything else while they were doing the work, was there any underlying water damage, have there been any related issues. Ask to see the paperwork.

      Get the best and most comprehensive inspection possible. Ask if there’s any deeper service you can pay for — an extra couple hundred bucks is totally worth it. If possible, be there during the inspection so you can ask questions on the spot and they can show you things. (Even better if you have an architect / engineer / contractor friend who can be there.) If you’re considering a multi-unit (probably not, since you said “house”) note that inspections only cover the INSIDE of the unit, from the studs in. You need to ask for an outside inspection, and it’s a separate fee.

      As others have noted, the real extra costs come after. The calculators make the cost seem a little more affordable than it is. Ensure you are totally clear on property taxes. (And HOA fees if applicable). Everything is expensive when you own, from water heaters to roofs to landscaping, and it’s brutal if you don’t have extra wiggle room in your budget or significant savings set aside for repairs and maintenance. (Unfortunately, I live in a place that’s so expensive that you basically can’t buy even small fixer-uppers without being maxed out. Still, get all the facts so you know what you’re up against.)

      Definitely get a good agent. It’s their job to know to ask questions you would never dream of. Shop around, get referrals. I know someone who just cheaped out by not hiring an agent and he got screwed.

      I was given a home warranty as a gift. That was surprisingly useful my first year and I’d look into that again. Just some electrical work I had done paid for that.

      Good luck! It’s exciting. :)

    9. Boomerang Girl*

      Understand what development is planned for the area that might impact your view, property value, school district, etc

    10. spock*

      Get an agent to help you for sure! There is no downside, you don’t even pay them, the seller does.

    11. Penguin*

      Building off something Filosofickle said- sometimes people will straight up not tell a potential buyer about something, even if they’re legally required to do so (“I don’t know” is hard to disprove, after all). It’s a good idea to familiarize yourself with some basic construction practices, like knowing that a building built prior to the 1980s (in the US) likely has lead paint on it somewhere.

      Also, look around the internet to see if you can find property records online for your town/city/county/etc. and look up the place you’re interested in; sometimes there is very useful information attached to those, like building permit issuance dates, dates and prices of previous sales, and so on. (The relevance here being that a frequently flipped house should set off a red flag, much like a job-hopping applicant, because frequent changes are unusual and should be investigated.) If you can’t find them online, your local county/town clerk’s office (or similar civic office) should have paper copies that you can view; these sorts of things are usually publicly available, it just takes a bit of legwork to access them.

      1. Filosofickle*

        It’s true. I had sellers withhold very big structural problems and water damage. I found out the night before closing, was able to call it off, get more inspections, and renegotiate to cover the expected repairs. The sellers said they “forgot”, which is simply not possible given the details. I so should have walked away, though! The damage was much worse than expected. Eventually we fixed the known problems so we could sell and we disclosed all of that, but, not gonna lie, we did not seek out any new knowns.

        Consider trying to meet the neighbors, too. They have intel! That’s how I found out — essentially a whistleblower neighbor. There’s a gorgeous house near me that goes up for sale every 18-24 months and stays on the market for months in an area where listings get snapped up in days. I’m dying to talk to the neighbors and find out what’s what!

    12. Reba*

      I read a book by I want to say NOLO that was really helpful in breaking down the process. There is also a “for Dummies” book on this.

      Consumer financial protection bureau website is a really great resource!! Explains terms and your rights.

      Shopping for the lender was the most confusing part for me, so I’m glad we started on that well before we were looking at actual possibilities for properties.

      As far as home shopping, my advice would be, if you can, to take it slow and not rush to find a place, any place… But have things together and be ready to move fast when you do find that great match.

      Good luck!

    13. HBJ*

      The kitchen is the most expensive part of the house to renovate. If you’re choosing between an otherwise perfect house with a less-than-ideal kitchen and an otherwise perfect house with a less-than-ideal master bedroom and bathroom, choose the latter.

    14. Karou*

      A lot depends on where you live but is there a mortgage broker you can talk to? We met with someone from a broker who explaining the pros and cons of different kinds of mortgages, how rules had changed recently, what kind of fees we’d be looking at besides the mortgage itself and how the buying process worked. It was super helpful.

    15. Zona the Great*

      Did you look up first time homebuyer grants in your city or county? I got $10k for closing costs and walked away with cash at the end somehow. Never left work; a notary came to me for all signing, I was assigned a realtor, and I never stressed once. Best decision I ever made.

  35. Anon Here*

    I have a rare two days off. I live in NYC. I have many creative projects that I need to work on. I also have a young, energetic dog who tells me he NEEDS A WALK RIGHT NOW starting about twenty minutes after the previous walk and lasting until I take him out again. He’s mastered the, “OMG MOM I HAVE TO PEE!!!!” whine and sad faces. There is no way to tell when he really needs to go out and when he’s just trying to get more attention. So I give him as much exercise as I can, and I’m trying to get work done too. It’s so hard to do both. He’s not good with other dogs so I can’t take him to dog parks. Really hoping to befriend someone with a yard or roof access so he can run free and tire himself out and then I can have some quiet time to focus. I love him so much. We go for long-leashed runs multiple times a day. He’s just at that, “I can control the human through manipulative whining so I will!” age. One or two more years and he will probably mellow out.

    1. Toast*

      Hmmmm rent an Airbnb upstate that allows dogs? I forget what the town is called…. maybe it’ll come to me… anyway, it’s an hour on the metro north and I had this beautiful room in a house with lots of quiet. There was a huge yard/field/nature thing. Great for working and dogs running.

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      One of our dogs figured out that if she made noises like she was about to hurl, we’d hustle her outside as fast as we could. So she started doing it on purpose.

      Would a schedule help? If he goes outside to pee every three (or whatever) hours, you can safely ignore any of his lies about his bursting bladder.

      1. Anon Here*

        I need to do that! Hopefully, my schedule will become more consistent and then I can give him a consistent schedule. I think he would appreciate that. Like many dogs, he is a creature of habit and likes routines that stay the same every day.

      1. Anon Here*

        I’ve been looking into it! Unfortunately, the options I’ve found so far are: A) Expensive and/or B) Involve interaction with other dogs.

        He is a pitbull who was owned by a gang member and then abandoned to fend for himself, which is how we came to live together! I wasn’t planning to get a dog, but I couldn’t let him be picked up by Animal Control, so I intervened and probably saved his life. He’s a sweetie, and he wants to have dog friends, but his background and lack of early socialization make him dangerous to most other animals, unfortunately.

        I’ve been looking for a dog walker/sitter, but I want it to be someone I kind of know, not a random person assigned through a dog walking app. I haven’t found anyone yet.

        Writing this out, I realize I should reach out to local pitbull groups and see what people recommend. I know there are many other dogs with a similar story.

    4. In my next life I want to be one of my niece's dogs*

      Depending what part of NYC, look into Doggie Academy at the Brooklyn Dog Training Center. Agility classes and other training can give dogs something to think about so they’re not so needy.
      The owner has a book out too… “Play Your Way to Good Manners.”
      (Truth in advertising, I’m related.)

      1. Anon Here*

        Thank you! We’re in South Brooklyn. And he’s mellow today. Afraid of the rain! One longer walk in the wet stuff and he was like, “Um, I’m going to pass out on the couch . . . ” We’re cuddling.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Haha, my pit mix is precious about the rain. We call her Princess Pretty Paws because she will NOT walk on wet grass if we don’t make her. (But I just replaced half my deck, so doing her business on my pretty new deck is not an option, so I make her. So mean!)

          1. Anon Here*

            You should get her some doggie rain boots! I got my buddy a cute rain coat. It helps, but his head and tail still get wet. He gets really freaked out by it.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              She goes ballistic with things on her paws, just flails like nonsense trying to get them off and if she can’t, she just collapses into a dramatic heap. She has a winter coat, and that’s ok, but she’d rather not be outside in the cold any longer than necessary. Basically she’s a little diva. :)

              1. Anon Here*

                My little buddy is very spoiled too. I wish I could post a picture of him. His fur is long for a pit so he has a super cute fuzzy kind of look. And he gives hugs! Such a cuddler.

    5. MechanicalPencil*

      Super late to this, but maybe look into enrichment activities to tire his mind out so he’s less prone to bug you. There’s all sorts of puzzle toys out there that may give you some relief. And a lot of things can be sort of “homemade” if you will. I’ve found that making my pups sniff out there dinner in a box with packing paper in it (appropriate height) forces them to use more senses than they’re used to for dinner. There’s a Facebook group called Canine Enrichment that has TONS of ideas. Some are easier to implement than others.

  36. Sunflower Sea Star*

    Any photographers here who have shot with the Lensbaby stuff? If so, what’s your favorite?

  37. PX*

    Anyone have tips or advice on how to tell if I’m just having a rough year or if this is actual anxiety I should probably try and do something about?

    My entire life I’ve generally always been someone who is very comfortable and settled in myself. I’ve never really had confidence issues, I know who I am and I’m happy in myself – and I generally dont try comparing myself to others. I have a job I mostly like (and my boss likes me, it pays well, the team are nice people), I live in a city I like and thought I dont have as many friends as I would like (I moved here for work knowing no one), I have a few good friends, am working on making more, and am also reasonably introverted so not afraid of spending quality time on my own.

    But 2019 has sucked, and I’ve felt all over the place. The best way to describe it is that I’m someone who is usually very calm and settled in my mind, but I’ve felt off kilter and unbalanced/unsettled all year.

    I’ve found myself worrying and stressing about things that never used to bother me, both socially and at work. I would say the biggest difference is that things in the past that would have rolled off my back now get under my skin and just…dont leave. In some ways I feel like its either years of suppressing certain fears coming out (living away from family, not having a strong support network, no relationship etc) or just…random anxiety coming from possibly bad genes (while no one has ever been formally diagnosed, enough of my immediate family have traits that fall in the depression/anxiety bucket to make me aware that this is a definite possibility given the evidence that there is a genetic factor involved)?

    There have been times when I’ve felt better but I feel like all year there has been a low grade…something isn’t right…I can’t relax and just be kind of feeling that I’ve not been able to shake. I’ve got a pretty long holiday booked over Christmas in warm and sunny climates. My hope is that I will be able to hand over work completely and just relax, but…I’m really worried I’ll come back in January and not feel any different….and I really dont want another year of feeling like this. It really sucks and I have so much sympathy for anyone who feels like this on a regular basis!

    1. Toast*

      That’s a really broad question. I found melody fletcher’s blog really helped me. You could also YouTube “faster eft”.

    2. Ethyl*

      I have GAD and also a thyroid issue and I would recommend two things. First is to check in with your GP and make sure all your various levels and things are normal. Stuff like anemia or vitamin D deficiency can have emotional and mental symptoms, as can thyroid issues.

      The second recommendation is to go ahead and see about talking to a therapist, even if you don’t “have” something “official.” There’s no entrance exam or qualification you need to have to talk to someone. You don’t need to be “this mentally ill” to talk things out with a trained pro :)

      2. PX*

        Thanks Ethyl! I certainly struggle on that last point..feeling like I need to be more sick or have more ‘problems’ before ever doing anything. I guess in a way this has helped clarify for me that if I dont want to keep feeling like this, what I’ve been doing hasnt worked, so might as well try something else…like getting checked and getting help!

    3. ThatGirl*

      There is no harm in a few sessions with a therapist, and they usually can help with diagnostics to figure out what might be going on. If your work has an eap, the first few sessions are generally covered.

      1. LQ*

        Strong agree. Get some help and even if it’s just a little bit to put you back on track to be you and a couple talk sessions and you get back on track and win. If you need more help then you get the more help and win. Definitely take some steps.

    4. Xavier89*

      Obviously can only speak for myself but I really rejected the idea that I had anxiety until I saw a counselor and within a minute she was like “You have textbook anxiety” it was eye opening

      1. PX*

        Ah this. One of my usual coping mechanisms is journalling and I noted the other day that part of why I might be struggling with this is that it doesnt fit the picture I have (and have always had) of myself in my head. And y’know. Trying to think/change how I’ve always self-identified is apparently much much harder than I expected! Realising I maybe also like women was much easier than accepting I apparently need some help to deal with my brain. Go figure.

    5. Parenthetically*

      “how to tell if I’m just having a rough year or if this is actual anxiety”

      My advice is: it doesn’t matter! If it’s making your quality of life worse, if it’s weighing on your mind and has changed how you normally interact with the world, it’s worth doing something about even if it isn’t “actual anxiety”! The diagnosis, the boxes you check, are less important than the fact that it’s different and worse than before, and you definitely don’t have to have an actual diagnosis of anxiety to benefit from therapy!

      1. PX*

        You know, this is actually really helpful to reframe it in my mind. I’m usually very good at…self soothing? Self therapy? Figuring out what is wrong and dealing with it myself?

        One of the things that has annoyed me the most is the fact that…I guess I feel like I’ve failed in not having been able to ‘fix’ whatever this is myself. But it would be silly to not try and get proper help for it just because I feel like I should be able to fix it myself. In most areas in life I’m usually happy to throw money at things and let experts who actually know what they are doing solve it rather than try to muddle through myself, so I guess this is just another area I need to do that too.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Are you me?

          Yes, this is my nonstop struggle — “My normal analytical coping mechanisms are not working, I am a failure (and probably deserve this misery)!” It was totally freeing for me too, to have someone say, “Hey, do you, like, NOT like this? Then… you’re allowed to get help for it, regardless of the ‘name’ of what’s bothering you, right?”

          1. PX*

            Ahaha, not quite because my mental cycle has been going: “My normal analytical coping mechanisms are not working…let me try that again…and again…why isnt it working? Its always worked…Should I get help?….No, let me try again…One more time…I’m sure eventually it will go back to normal. I SHOULD be able to handle this myself. Let me not burden our already stretched healthcare system…” Repeat for months.

            So breaking that loop and just saying: “STOP. Its not working. Get some help.” is where I am finally getting to.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Do get a check up. Sometimes health issues first manifest as a vague sort of restlessness. It could be a minor issue and/or it could be something if caught soon can be easily fixed.

      The next thing that jumped at me is how are you sleeping at night? Lack of sleep can cause a number of problems. not the least of which is reduce our ability to cope with day -to-day living. What you write here is me on low sleep, I get worried. I feel unsettled and anxious about things that would not bother me otherwise.

      Do go back to square one and make sure your are covering your basics. plenty of hydration every day, fresh fruits and veggies with regular meals, and rest, of course.

      As you go along think about environment. Do you live or work around a natural gas line, could there be a small leak? Do you have CO detectors in your home? Have you recently moved to a new place where lots of pesticides are used? I lived in one place where there were these smoke stacks and what is it coming out of those stacks???
      Between the stacks and the gas heat we finally just decided to move.

      I had a really odd experience with a car. Years later, a friend said to me, “I think I am losing it but I am afraid to be in my car. I think there is a leak of something that I cannot smell but it’s affecting how my mind works.” I had BTDT and I realized that what I had experienced and what he was currently experience was Not Normal. Neither one of us had felt this way about a car, ever. I told him that I got rid of my car and the feeling went away. So he got rid of his car and got a different one. He also said the feeling went away. I have never had this experience again and it’s been 20 or so years. Sometimes we can almost intuitively know what is wrong and we just don’t act on it.

      1. PX*

        Thanks! I like to think sleep is the one thing I’m usually good at maintaining although if I look back with a critical eye…its maybe not been good quality sleep. I’ve certainly done my best to make sure I’m eating/hydrating right to try and rule out anything from that angle. But this is my monthly reminder that I need some green leafy vegetables because I feel much better when those are in rotation.

        Environment is hopefully not it (been living/working in the same place for a while now) but as always a good set of things to keep in mind, thanks!

    7. Tris Prior*

      How old are you, and are you female? If you’re female and over 40 or so, could be perimenopause. The 10-ish years preceding actual menopause where a lot of women’s hormones start doing all sorts of weird shit without our permission. This can really affect your mental health. This happened to me; my gyn ended up putting me on a lower dose pill and that has helped a LOT in evening out my moods.

      Therapy is definitely a good idea too, but might be worth a visit to your gyn (again, assuming you’re female, which I shouldn’t – this sudden-ish onset of these feelings just sounds really familiar to me, and I feel like most women don’t know about perimenopause until we’re in our 40s and start researching what’s going on with us.)

      1. PX*

        Im female but early 30s so unless something is going very wrong I hope its not perimenopause! My fear is that it might actually be my birth control because mood swings/changes and depression/nervousness are listed as side effects…I’d really hope not because I love my Mirena (no periods!) but it is something I’m considering (although I’ve had it long enough that in theory any side effects should have levelled out…)

    9. PX*

      Ugh. Thank you all for confirming what I’ve finally started thinking which is that I should probably try and talk to someone about it.

      I definitely have been avoiding going to see my GP because…they are not great. Basically I feel like they will either not take my concerns seriously (things I did not mention include random health things that I feel will either get swept aside) or diagnose it as anxiety/depression and therefore that is the only thing wrong with you and everything else is fine. I’ve definitely noticed feeling better being correlated with eating leafy green vegetables so iron is an obvious thing to check I guess.

      Will probably see if I can talk to someone through work first perhaps.

      I’m also really bad at asking for help and like Xavier89, I suspect part of it is just not wanting to accept that this is a thing that could be happening to me. Its always been people around me who need help, not me. I’m always the one who is fine! I’m the one people can rely on! So trying to adjust to this being a thing that I need is…hard.

      1. Ethyl*

        If it’s possible for you, maybe try looking around for a new GP? I’m on like my fourth or fifth in the last oh, 15 years or so? I liked the person I had before this one but she left private practice entirely, and her replacement is only sort of ok. I’m planning to fire up the doctor search soon again because we also recently moved and driving so far for frustrating appointments is a bummer.

        1. PX*

          Sigh. Probably a good idea, but I feel like looking for good doctors is so much trial and error. No one in my area seems to really stand out in terms of reviews, and where I live there are (in theory) restrictions on where you can register (you are meant to have a doctor within a certain radius of where you live). So this one will probably be lower on the priority list, but may move up depending on how the appointment(s) go.

    10. C Average*

      It’s also worth pointing out that (and I realize I’m treading close to the no-politics line here) you may be among the more than half of Americans who realize we’re living in very strange times, and that a reaction other than existential horror would be unhealthy. Current events are inescapable, and it is stressful! I sometimes think we all need therapy to get through the day to day.

  38. My Brain Is Exploding*

    One move we did, we needed a new mattress. Ditched the old one before moving and bought a new one at the new place. We slept on it – on the floor – and kids in sleeping bags. Can you do a one way rental on the smallest rental trailer? Basic kitchen stuff, card table and chairs, etc. Or rent a few basics for a few weeks – cheap table and chairs, lamp, etc. Or go to the last chance thrift store and get a few things and donate them back when your stuff arrives. A couple of boxes should hold enough basic kitchen supplies to last till everything else gets there.

  39. NewReadingGlasses*

    I’ve done it several times. I slept on the floor and did I a minimal kitchen. It was ok, though I was really glad when my bed arrived. I recommend a move in “kit” with a roll of toilet paper, paper towels, soap, camping sleep pad, your favorite pillow, one set of bedding, one good knife, shower curtain and towel, bowl and spoon, one or two easy comfort food items (tea, soup mix, etc), and maybe a couple of spices that you like. For everything else, pack what will fit, then plan a trip to the local thrift store and get what kitchen stuff you need but couldn’t fit in the car. Wait about a day before you do this, and get the “ wows I really wish I had x,” items. I also moved with a cat, and the air mattress did NOT work out. Also an inexpensive (perhaps folding) chair and table will help, try someplace like Target at the destination, unless you have something that fits in the car.

  40. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    History nerds (and especially Myrin, since I think this is her area of expertise), can you recommend me some books? I just finished Marriage and the Family in the Middle Ages by Frances and Joseph Gies and had previously enjoyed Barbara Hanawalt’s Ties that Bound. Are there more books on the medieval family or every day life that are similarly in depth? Particularly ones with interesting anecdotes from the original sources (I love Dhuoda and Fredegund).

    Also, the Gies book mentions that nobody has figured why the consanguinity taboo was expanded from the 4th to the 7th degree by the Catholic church in 747. But the book was published in ’89. Has somebody figured it out since?

    1. AnonEMoose*

      Not precisely what you asked for, but I really enjoyed “Black Tudors” by Miranda Kaufmann. It’s a pretty common perception that Black people weren’t really around in Tudor England. This book challenges that perception, and tells some really interesting stories in the process.

      One example was the story of a group of men from a particular part of Africa, who were hired to try to recover items from shipwrecks (including the Mary Rose). It was well-written and engaging, and expanded my understanding of Tudor society.

      (And I don’t know the answer to your question about consanguinity for sure, but if I had to guess, I’d say that it probably had to do with being able to make more money on dispensations. But I am an admitted cynic when it comes to the Church during that period!)

    2. WellRed*

      Two I have on my shelf: women in early medieval Europe by Lisa Bitel and Queens, Concubines and Dowagers by Pauline Stafford ( I’ve always had a feminist bent).

    3. Grace*

      (hello from another Elspeth! I use a middle name on the internet since it’s so uncommon)

      John Hatcher wrote The Black Death: The Intimate Story of a Village in Crisis, 1345-1350 – I read it as part of my Black Death module and it’s genuinely very good. He uses the actual records from the village of Walsham to track the village through the period of the plague, so it is a bit odd to think that everyone you read about actually existed. It’s part actual history book, part historical novel, and won BBC Radio 4’s book of the week when it came out, so it’s also accessible to people who aren’t in the final year of a history degree and six months into an in-depth study of the social history of the plague (which was my situation).

      The Oxford Handbooks are really good – collections of essays from the top of their field. I’ve read almost all of the Women and Gender in Medieval Europe one, and substantial chunks of the Witchcraft in Early Modern Europe and Colonial America one. Both very good. A little dense in places, I suppose, if you’re not an academic who really wants to know about the impact of the invention of the plough on medieval gender relations, but good.

      You know what? I’m going to copy-paste the entirety of my dissertation bibliography, and you can take a look and see if any of them look interesting. They’re more or less all medieval social history specialising in gender and the church. Some are journal articles rather than books, but if anything jumps out you can always buy access to that single article, and for this I’ve removed references to chapters to avoid confusion in favour of references to entire books.

      Bertram, G. W., The Late Medieval English Church: vitality and vulnerability before the break with Rome (London, 2012).
      S. J. Wright (ed.), Parish, Church and People: Local studies in lay religion, 1350-1750 (London, 1988).
      Burgess, C., ‘“By Quick and by Dead”: Wills and Pious Provision in Late Medieval Bristol’, The English Historical Review, 102/405 (1987), pp. 837-858.
      M. Hicks (ed.), Profit, Piety and the Professions in Later Medieval England (Gloucester, 1990).
      P. J. P. Goldberg (ed.), Woman is a Worthy Wight: Women in English Society c. 1200-1500 (Stroud, 1992).
      J. Bennett and R. Karras (eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Women and Gender in Medieval Europe (Oxford, 2013).
      French, C. L., The Good Women of the Parish: Gender and Religion After the Black Death (Philadelphia, 2008).
      Gasquet, F. A., The Black Death of 1348 and 1349 (2nd edn., London, 1908).
      Hadley, D. M., Death in Medieval England: an archaeology (Stroud, 2001).
      M. Ormrod and P. Lindley (eds.), The Black Death in England (Stamford, 1996), pp. 79-123.
      Hill, C., Women and Religion in Late Medieval Norwich (Woodbridge, 2010).
      Jennings, J. M., ‘The Distribution of Landed Wealth in the Wills of London Merchants 1400-1450’, Mediaeval Studies, 39 (1977), pp. 261-280.
      Kermode, J., Medieval Merchants: York, Beverley and Hull in the Later Middle Ages (Cambridge, 1998).
      Kreider, A., English Chantries: the Road to Dissolution (London, 1979).
      Labarge, M. W., Women in Medieval Life: a small sound of the trumpet (London, 1987).
      Le Goff, J., The Birth of Purgatory, trans. A. Goldhammer (London, 1984).
      McNeill, J., ‘A Prehistory of the Chantry’, Journal of the British Archaeological Association, 164/1 (2011), pp. 1-38.
      J. J. G. Alexander and M. T. Gibson (eds.), Medieval Learning and Literature: Essays presented to Richard William Hunt (Oxford, 1976), pp. 398-422.
      Peters, C., Patterns of Piety: Women, Gender and Religion in Late Medieval and Reformation England (Cambridge, 2003).
      Putnam, B. H., ‘Maximum Wage-Laws for Priests after the Black Death, 1348-1381’, The American Historical Review, 21/1 (1915), pp. 12-32.
      Röhrkasten, J., ‘Trends of Mortality in Late Medieval London (1348-1400)’, Nottingham Medieval Studies, 45 (2001), pp. 172-209.
      Rousseau, M., Saving the Souls of Medieval London: Perpetual Chantries at St Paul’s Cathedral, c. 1200-1548 (Farnham, 2011).
      Swanson, R. N., Church and Society in Late Medieval England (Oxford, 1989).
      Turner, W. J., Review: Living with the Black Death, by L. Bisgaard and L. Søndergaard (eds.), Journal of the History of Medicine and Allied Sciences, 68/3, pp. 486-488.
      Ward, J., Women in England in the Middle Ages (London, 2006).
      Wood, R., ‘Life and Death: A Study of the Wills and Testaments of Men and Women in London and Bury St. Edmunds in the late Fourteenth and early Fifteenth Centuries (Unpublished pHD Thesis, 2012).
      Wood-Legh, K. L., Perpetual Chantries in Britain (Cambridge, 1965).
      Ziegler, P., The Black Death (London, 1969).

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Oh, thank you! That Black Death book sounds amazing. And wonder of wonders, ‘The Black Death : a personal history’ by John Hatcher (which I’m guessing is the same book or a different version of some of the same content) is not only in my library system but in my local library!

        I am not an academic, but I suddenly want to know about the impact of the invention of the plough on medieval gender relations. I like my non-fiction slightly dense.

        I’m afraid my name isn’t really Elspeth. It’s from an Agatha Christie book, What Mrs. McGillicuddy Saw.

        1. Grace*

          Yep, that’s the same book. There are a few parts that are more debated (re. the impact of the plague on the decline of serfdom, and whether it was as important a factor as Hatcher asserts) but I think it’s fairly well-regarded besides that. It’s a good one.

          The article on the impact of the scythe on gender relations (not the plough, sorry, misremembered) is Roberts’ “Sickles and Scythes: Women’s Work and Men’s Work at Harvest Time” in History Workshop, No. 7 (Spring, 1979), pp. 3-28. I knew that keeping all of my old handbooks would come in useful some day!

          If you enjoyed Hanawalt, try some of her other works, or ones from writers who come from different stances on the historiographical debate. Hanawalt is fairly middle-of-the-road, along with Marjorie Keniston McIntosh (some women had greater opportunities but not across the board), Maryanne Kowaleski and Judith Bennett tend towards the opinion that women were the victims of a continuous pattern of little independence and under-rewarded work, and Caroline Barron and PJP Goldberg say that later medieval England was a golden age for women compared to the early modern period. It’s a big question that will probably never be answered, but there’s some fantastic writing to be getting on with if you want to get a wider view of the entire debate. They’ve all contributed to the Oxford Handbook of Women and Gender in Medieval Europe, so that’s a good place to start.

      2. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Thank you! I’ve been copying down all of the books in this thread – this historical era is a favorite of mine, so more books to read are always wonderful :)

    4. Parenthetically*

      I assume you’ve read Tudor Monastery Farm and How to be a Tudor, both by Ruth Goodman?

    5. Anono-me*

      Okay now I really want to read a whole bunch of books that are on this comment.

      There was a program I found really interesting on PBS that might also appeal to history buffs. (I think it originated with BBC.) It started out with “The 1900s house”. Basically they took a volunteer family from modern day and had them live their lives like they were back in 1900 London exception camera. Different seasons had different families in different historic environments. I loved all of the seasons except for the one with families homesteading in North America.( I think some of the people were not a good fit for the program.)

      1. In my next life I want to be one of my niece's dogs*

        BBC did a program like that for Tudor era too. I’ve never seen it, but I’ve read stories by people who participated.
        A hobby of mine is medeival & renaissance food … I’m going to post a link separately that lists all my favorite resources and a lot printed after I mostly dropped out of a history club.

        2. Jaid*

          BBC also has the Farm series and one of them is the “Tudor Farm”. 6 episodes available on YouTube and a Christmas special.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Tudor Monastery Farm and Tales From the Green Valley are both MAGNIFICENT and HIGHLY binge-watchable. YouTube is where we’ve always watched them (and I’ve seen them multiple times).

    6. Myrin*

      Oh noes, I’m awfully late for this and I can’t even be of much help, I’m afraid (and that after you’ve specifically mentioned me, I’m so embarrassed!).
      I do know some books related to this topic but they’re all in German and also more on the academic side than on the “just-enjoyable-to-read” side. I’m so sorry!

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Well, academic side is great; I love academic books unless they are absolutely badly written. That’s why I thought of you. But I’m afraid German is a deal-breaker since I don’t speak a word. Thanks anyways!

  41. Betty Wight*

    Pure positivity thread! Tell me a positive thing going on in your life right now…

    I have family visiting from far away and am planning a delicious meal and fun, fall activities while they’re in town.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Bought a Halloween-themed cookie house (pre-cooked house walls, roof, and base) and put it together with our son. It’s neither nourishing nor tasty but we enjoyed using the orange and black icing to stick the house together and decorate with small candies.

    2. Anon5775*

      Things are breaking around my house BUT my dad is a handy guy and can fix most things so I save on frustration and repair people coming to the house! And I’ll be an aunt again in April so that’s fun – and it’s a girl which we are all super excited about!

    3. The Ginger Ginger*

      My first foray into anti-depressants has been extremely successful (4 months in and follow up appt on Monday). I feel better than I’ve felt in at least a decade. And this afternoon I’m going to a matinee performance of a Jane Eyre Ballet!

    4. Kathenus*

      I realized I have more PTO left than I thought so have been scheduling some long weekends between now and the end of the year :)

    5. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      We’re having a (children’s) Halloween party on Thursday and we are going to a (family) Halloween party on Saturday. I shall therefore be spending much of the coming week on Pinterest and decorating my house.

    6. Bluebell*

      The crabapple tree outside my bedroom has lost most of its leaves, but the crabapples look so pretty. And there are two blue jays who have been hanging out there all week.

    7. Alpha Bravo*

      My new horse. He’s sweet and goofy and very good for my spirit. Also my chickens. My hens are laying well and the Delawares are so talkative. The neighbors’ Bantam rooster lives here too now, and he is friendly and so cute. Okay … I guess all the animals, because I can’t leave out the dog, cats and fish. And right now beautiful red and gold leaves are flying everywhere with the wind.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      My friend fixed my roof using stuff I had on hand.

      I have replaced this roof twice in the years I have lived here. It’s a low roof, one story off the ground. The wind comes through and just yanks the shingles right off of it. Well, this time I noticed some of the shingles were lifted. (Once one gets loose, it’s like dominos they all get loose in a short time, at least this is what happens here.) I am super pleased with myself for noticing this time and I am so grateful that my friend fixed it for free. It took him about 20 minutes. Life is good.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Indeed.
          We trade on the basis of time instead of money. He does not use a computer so I do his computer stuff for him for free. I spent a good chunk of time helping him with Big Project recently so he was okay with climbing a six foot ladder, as he wants me to help him with the next thing in the pipeline.
          We both walked away feeling fortunate.

    12. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Spouse and I are 1 week into our new house. Shopping for living room furniture tomorrow (looks bare now) but the den has tv, treadmill, and relaxed dimmer lighting fit for cozy movie nights, or knitting while watching Food Network’s Halloween gingerbread show :)

    13. C Average*

      My cat was quite sick and I took her to the vet. They ran tests which all came back clean, and they gave her IV fluids and antiemetics and an appetite stimulant that also makes her very energetic and affectionate. You guys, I have never seen a cat this happy! She’s all better, too.

    14. AnonEMoose*

      I have my second attempt at clotted cream in the Instant Pot right now. If all works out well, scones with clotted cream and strawberry jam for breakfast tomorrow.

      I’m also planning to do some baking tomorrow…baking is soothing, and I’ll be able to bring treats to my coworkers on Monday.

      One thing I’m planning is my first attempt at Irish soda bread. I’m looking forward to seeing how it turns out. And my DH is an enthusiastic taste tester.

      1. Raia*

        Please post or link the recipe if it works out! I had clotted cream at a nearby teahouse with friends and it is so yummy with scones!

    16. Earthwalker*

      The habitat restoration volunteer team is planting again. It’s fresh air and exercise and great company for a good cause. The world always looks better when I come home tired and happy from a day in the field.

    17. Overeducated*

      It’s pouring out, we had pumpkin waffles for breakfast, and after a big family event yesterday we’re going to skip the follow up brunch and church to stay home and relax. I’m having a baby any day now, but bizarrely all my pregnancy pains vanished yesterday, so the idea of sitting around at home being cozy and comfortable and putting things in order is just delightful.

    18. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      How about a positive that came out of a negative? I always wake up with ripping headaches on vacation, and I’ve finally figured out that it’s because super soft hotel pillows and my normal sleeping bun are a bad combination, so now I know how to avoid it in the future!

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I finished off two baby blankets this weekend! A little late, but there’s no ‘fit’ to worry about, so it’s all good.

    20. SAHM*

      We’re getting a puppy on Saturday! A golden retriever and our first non-cocker spaniel. Super excited!!!

  42. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    Is there room for another cat thread? I have a pretty silly cat question and I know there are a lot of cat people here.

    I can’t have cats because of a pretty severe cat allergy, but I like cats and I currently have 2 or 3 neighborhood cats that like to hang out in my backyard. (These are “owned” cats that belong to other people in the neighborhood rather than feral, and if you want to start lecturing me about indoor versus outdoor cats I’d like to kindly remind you that these are Not My Cats and I thus have no control over whether or not they are let out.)

    Anyway, I enjoy seeing my outdoor kitty friends through the window, and I was wondering if there was anything in particular I should do to make my yard a nice place for them to hang out. The part of the yard I can see from where I usually sit is mostly a swimming pool, concrete, and a small deck, but there’s also various other yard stuff back there. One of them likes to swat at leaves floating in the pool, and one of them likes to hang out on the counter in the outdoor kitchen area. I don’t plan to start feeding them since they have homes, look well fed, and I don’t need raccoon, possum, and coyote friends also getting snacks in my yard.

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      If you live in a part of the world where you can have outdoor plants still, you could put a pot of catnip to grow out there, and they’d be happy as clams. If not, it’s an idea for the spring for you.

    2. Kathenus*

      I have a pollinator garden that attracts lots of small wildlife, and my next door neighbor’s cat thinks its the best place in the world to hang out, just staring into it hoping some small critter will pop out.

    3. Red Sky*

      Seconding planting catnip! Also, adding some outdoor cat beds or large, flat pillows for comfy places to nap. Maybe a bird feeder if it’s hung in such a way that’s visible, but inaccessible, to the cats.

    4. Morning Reader*

      I have a catio where my indoor cats spend time, and they like to sit on a rug or a box. Or in a box. Or on a shelf or higher up place where they can look down.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If you feel like it, a cushion may be appreciated by one or more, however you would be allergic to the cushion. If the cats are showing up, then they like it there. Just don’t scare them away. I would consider putting a bowl of water out if it’s hot – cats aren’t great about drinking, but making it available is a good thing.

  43. OG Karyn*

    So I took the bar exam in Ohio in July and did not pass. I wasn’t at all surprised, because I didn’t study at all – two months before the exam, right as my study schedule was kicking off, my partner of two years broke up with me unexpectedly and I had to move out of our house, back in with my parents, and then deal with the emotional and financial fallout. I had already paid for the test so I figured I might as well take it just for the experience. So when I got the results yesterday, as I said, I wasn’t shocked.

    What DID shock me was when I got my scores in the mail. You need a 405 to pass (out of a possible 600). With absolutely no studying and having been out of school for seven years prior to taking the test (for some health reasons), I got a 359. I wasn’t really that far off, in other words. So if I go into February *actually* prepared, I might actually be able to pull off a pass! I’m pretty proud of myself for that alone, if I do say so myself.

    2. Anon Here*

      I took the LSAT on a whim without studying and without having slept the night before. I was neither prepared nor clear-headed, but my score was in the 50th percentile (exactly average – worse than half the test takers and better than half). I want to take it again, and seriously prepare for it. But I’m embarassed about that score and the fact that I would need to report it with the new one.

      1. OG Karyn*

        Don’t be embarrassed about that! The LSAT is such a joke, honestly. It tells you nothing about how you’ll do in law school. I got a slightly above average test result with almost no studying and did just fine in school. It might matter if you’re trying to get into a first-tier school or hit a full scholarship (although most scholarships law schools give don’t last all three or four years you’re there, as most of us discovered), but it isn’t anything to measure your intelligence or capability with.

        1. Anon Here*

          My uncle went to a top law school and had a very successful career. I got a lot of, “You will never be as successful as him because you’re female and your grades were not as good in high school.” So there’s a lot of pressure on me to either prove them all wrong or not go to law school.

          I consider it sometimes. I seem to gravitate towards legal issues when commenting here. I think I have a repressed interest in law.

        2. Anon Here*

          Also, thank you for your words of encouragement! I realize my reply might have sounded negative, but I appreciate those thoughts.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I am so impressed. You got this one. You can now make it your priority and you WILL nail it. Congrats.

  44. I Gotta Be Meme*

    I was caught on TV doing Something. Nothing embarrassing, stupid, or anything to be ashamed of. If the story ended there, I’d have a little story to tell, perhaps an ice-breaker at parties.

    But the story didn’t end there. The image quickly went viral, and I became a very popular meme. I’m sure you’ve seen it, and you may even have used it yourself. I’ve been recognized on the street and people have asked me for selfies.

    I want to parlay my meme into bigger and better things. How do I go about finding a manager or agent, someone who can guide me to the next level?

    (One hurdle: if I were to contact a potential agent and they asked me what I could offer beyond the meme, I wouldn’t have an answer. But my meme is big enough that I legitimately feel just being that meme is good enough to at least get me in the door, and we’d take it from there.)

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Either you’ve asked this before, or more than one AAM commenter has become a meme, because I know I’ve seen a similar question. If I recall correctly, the advice then was that you really need something beyond the meme for an agent to shop you around.

    4. Anon Here*

      First, outline your goals. Then network in that area. Finding a good agent isn’t easy. It may take several attempts. One place to start is to find people who are doing what you want to do, find out who their agents are, and contact them. Good luck!

    5. Bullseye*

      “Being” a meme is not worth talking about, honey. It’s certainly not worth posting repeatedly in hopes of getting whatever sort of sad thrill you get from this bullshirt.

    7. WellRed*

      I don’t know if you’re the same person who posted about this before but you had your 15 minutes. Enjoy your icebreaker but move on. Being a meme is … pretty …

      1. WellRed*

        You are the same person! Your meme is even more irrelevant ( memes aren’t actually ever relevant) than in your original post. Please, get some therapy and move on in real life.

    8. Type 2*

      Can we be a little kinder to this person? If they need a little attention, what’s wrong with that? We all need attention! To the OP, I Gotta Be Meme, good luck to you and hope you find more kindness in the world.than you got here today.

      1. Anon Here*

        I agree. There’s no reason for all of this negativity. We don’t know this person. It sounds like they want to do something good with their life. We should applaud that.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too. And sometimes people post the same question a second week because they’re hoping for more answers.

          1. Anon Here*

            Yeah, or they forget they posted before. How long does it take to type a post here? And how busy and distracted are most of us? It’s really easy to post something and forget about it. It’s just some words on a screen; it’s not the main part of life for most of us.

            Also, site rules = be nice. It’s easy.

          2. Thursday Next*

            People here frequently post variations on questions they’ve posed before. I think this poster deserves some courtesy.

    9. is this a joke?*

      Being a meme will not get you through any door. There’s no marketability in memes, especially not for someone who can’t even figure out that Google will pull up a list of agents. An agent is not going to waste their time on someone who was a meme for 15 minutes and cannot bring them any money and who doesn’t have any marketable skills.

      There’s a reason why there aren’t any famous celebrities who started out as memes. Memes are Z list status at best.

    10. Ramona Q*

      According to your other thread (and setting aside a lot of the weirdnesses it seems to describe), your meme is two years old. I’m concerned that you think anyone in entertainment is going to take you seriously on that basis. There have literally been hundreds since then, and more every day. (Folks who are getting upset at all the “negativity” should really read the other thread.)

    11. WS*

      What does “bigger and better things” mean to you? What would this get your foot in the door *for*? Public speaking? Reality TV shows?

    13. LilySparrow*

      Look, the first thing you need to do if you’re serious about this is do some basic research on the entertainment industry and how it works.

      I find it very hard to believe that you’ve been so busy in the last two years that you haven’t had time to read a book. There are plenty of them that explain how to start a career in acting/modeling, blogging, YouTubing, Instagram, etc.

      The #1 thing you need to make any money in entertainment/media – more than talent, more than creativity, more than connections – is hustle. You have to hustle. Try stuff. Find things out. Make things happen. Talk to people.

      Successful – even subsistence-level successful agents and talent managers are not sitting around in their offices waiting to take a meeting with an unknown who isn’t producing any sort of marketable work. They are out looking at people who are *already* working, and trying to parlay them into something bigger.

      If you want representation, do something an agent could represent. It probably won’t be the thing that winds up making bank (if anything does). But you have to start.

  45. HannahS*

    So, I’m back on the merry-go-round of “HannahS has worrisome, but non-specific symptoms, and the test results so far are non-conclusive! Let’s begin a medical investigation.” Last time around, it was…well, awful puts it lightly. This time around, I’m older, wiser, and a medical student, which commands some respect that I didn’t get last time. I’m unhappy and a little freaked out about some of the symptoms I’m having–I fainted yesterday, like dropped-to-the-floor-and-lost-consciousness fainted, while alone in my apartment–but let me count my blessings here:

    1) Both times I’ve felt faint while in the operating room*, the staff have come to the rescue and I’ve felt very cared for. The surgeon and residents have quickly taken over whatever I’m doing, and the nurses have steadied me, pulled machines out of the way, (gently) dragged me to a chair, taken off all my layers of protective gear, and gotten me snacks, while (again, gently) barking questions about whether I’ve eaten breakfast, do I know my hemoglobin count, am I diabetic? There’s something really sweet about a nurse handing you a juice box, and then pulling another one out of her pocket and whispering, “Here, I stole you an extra one!” .

    2) I booked an appointment at the student centre this week, was seen the same day by a doctor I’d never met. She listened to me, and was mostly receptive to the list of things I told her I was worried about. I’m proud that I pushed to get some of the tests that I wanted included on the panel included, because looking at the preliminary results myself, the tests that I pushed for are probably going to guide our next steps.

    3) I live far enough away from my family that they can’t pop by and drive me to the doctor, but my boyfriend spent his afternoon off driving me to medical appointments and waiting for me at the blood draw lab. It felt really good to have someone to call who cares for me, instead of having to take Uber.

    *Many students–including residents–have passed out or come close during surgery at least once–it’s a combination of stress, the heat, and being tired, hungry, and dehydrated. Since I’ve done it a second time, I’m not going to scrub in on operations until I know I can remain upright through one for some pretty obvious patient safety reasons!

    1. AnonoDoc*

      Alas, my tendency to faint while upright for long periods is why I am not a surgeon. During med school I ended up being prescribed high doses of meds to keep my blood pressure up, I did not scrub into long surgeries (except to spell my classmates), wore compression stockings….

      I still wear compression stockings (they make nice ones now in all sorts of patterns) and take much lower doses of meds to keep my blood pressure up, and I haven’t fainted in years.

      One thing in addition to the work-up you are getting is to always let your attendings know if you can’t stand for prolonged periods. If they see you sitting down on rounds without knowing why they might ding you on your evaluations. Learned this the hard way when I was trying to be discrete.

      Best of Luck! You are not alone!

    2. Fikly*

      Can you get one of those monitors (I believe Apple watches do this, but there are others) that will alarm to sudden falls and either call someone you choose or 911? This seems like a safety issue.

    3. Can be rainy*

      dear HannahS, your story brought up memories of my youth, thank you! In a nutshell, I was diagnosed with Somogyi effect, an early sign of Type II diabetes, when I was 24 years old. That is too young to be considered by most practitioners. Probably caused by a very poor diet of replacing meals with candies, snacks and soft drinks on an empty stomach. If I may recap the common trends from your anamnesis: (1) medical student passing out during surgery – check; (2) unexpected fainting including after meals – check; (3) permanent low blood pressure – check; (4) anemia and diabetes repeatedly tested negative – check :-) Well… as I was a BMI 18, first my GP prescribed that I gain weight, which I attempted by adding candies, snacks & soft drink to my irregular but very caloric diet (think two square meals a day, totaling a pound of meat, ad lib fries, sauce and vegetables). No improvement. As you describe, any standing idle in hot and confined conditions could get me to feel dizzy and/out pass out. Then, after years of searching a root cause, test results evidenced the atypical response to provoked hyperglycemia described as the Somogyi effect. For me, the condition reversed with improvements on my diet. I had to stop meals made of “fast-acting sugars” alone. I still drink Coke, but in moderation and always accompanied with a “slow sugar” food: potato chips, pasta, pizza…
      I hope your medical investigation will yield conclusive results soon. I wish you a wonderful career in the rewarding but so demanding field of healthcare.
      Never forget to take care of yourself first. Charity begins at home! :-)

  46. Rebecca*

    Hello from a still “warmish” central PA. I thought I was done mowing for the season, and we did have a frost, but now the grass is growing again, and it it gets too much higher, I’ll need to give it one more go before winter. On a positive note, Fall is in full swing, the air is clear, and we actually have some color to the leaves this year, and it smells so good outside. I’m hoping to hike on an old logging road tomorrow, last week the weather just didn’t cooperate. I didn’t feel like hiking in what looked like Barnabas Collins level fog at the ridge tops :) I think there are horror movies that start out that way!

    Lazy Saturday for me, but I did manage to do laundry, go to the pharmacy, and pick up some groceries for Mom, but most importantly, I went to our feed mill. So lucky to have it, it’s been in the same spot since 1831, and part of the charm is all the original equipment still inside, the huge wood beams, and all the cool stuff you can get. Of course no water wheel now, since we have electricity, but it’s so neat to see all the gears and gadgets inside that they used back in the day. Today’s haul was a mineral rock for the deer, a large sack of ear corn, and locally grown apples (for me!). The apples are amazing, huge and flavorful, Jona Golds, for 45 cents each if you buy one at a time, but you can buy a peck or bushel too. I’m going to go back and get a few Honey Crisps. My big plan for today is to run a long extension cord from the garage and hook up the game cam with an AC adapter, put the mineral rock on the old elm tree stump out back, re-position the camera, add some ear corn, and see what happens. Exciting stuff :P Plus football this afternoon, of course, my team is still undefeated and I really hope it stays that way.

    Misomer Murders – has anyone watched this? I recently discovered it, not sure how I missed it all these years, but I am really enjoying it on the Roku channel. Liking the Xfinity app, too, but learned there is about a 30 second or so delay from live TV. I’ll put up with it to save $22+ per month, since I turned in the box, remote, and modem.

    And no real Mom updates, other than she’s still grumpy, nasty, and miserable, but I can’t change that. It must be awful to exist and not find joy in anything, and I feel sorry for her. Last night I got pizza and went to my neighbor’s, and we had pizza for supper and chatted for a while, laughed, it was fun. She suggested hiking tomorrow, so that’s on the agenda. I’m going to try to get out at least once a week for supper, even if I go myself, just to get out of the house.

    Hope everyone is well – off to position the game cam!
    And because WINTER IS COMING, I got out gloves, balaclava, scarves, etc. and plan to wash them up tomorrow so I’m ready. That first “OMG it’s cold outside where are my gloves and I thought I had a scarf why can’t I find it” moment isn’t going to be me this year!

    1. LuckySophia*

      I am a huge Midsomer fan! Have you been watching the “original” version starring John Nettles as Tom Barnaby? When John Nettles retired, the scriptwriters kept the series going by having Tom’s cousin, John Barnaby, assume the lead role. That’s the version PBS in my area is running now. Both versions are good though I confess I found the character of “Tom” to be a bit more engaging!

      1. Rebecca*

        Yes, this is the original version from 1996 I believe, and the scenery is awesome, so many neat buildings, and love the story lines, they keep me guessing! I love how Sgt Troy drives, or tries to drive, hilarious!

      2. Nessun*

        I always liked Tom better…especially because I still saw John as the creeper gardener from the ep he was in before he got the Barnaby role! But yeah, I’ve watched all 19 (?) odd seasons over and over; love that show!

        1. Myrin*

          Yeah same. I must have watched basically every episode like three times but thankfully I have an awful memory for stuff like this so I can enjoy most of them more than once (thank goodness I never forget the one where the fox is killed, though, because that was just horrible. It’s been years and I’m still upset whenever I think about it. My mum was about to watch it recently and I dove to the TV and turned it off in a hysterical flutter (I know that she can’t bear to watch it either; she was very thankful after I explained what the heck had just gotten into me).)

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Midsomer Murders is fun. The scenery is gorgeous, the characters are engaging and there’s always one laughable moment in an otherwise serious murder investigation. Glad you’re enjoying it!
      P.S. Wow. Your winters sound serious!

      1. Rebecca*

        Oh the scenery, makes me want to visit the UK! Our winters here in central PA aren’t too awful, but it can get cold, and I still hike and walk no matter what the weather is, so if it’s 10 degrees, I need appropriate layers. And it always seems like that first really cold morning just sort of pops up on me, yes, I know for days in advance due to the weather forecast, but I ALWAYS feel unprepared and can’t find gloves, etc. Gonna be ready this time!

    3. Enough*

      Central Penn here, too. Have probably one more mowing once more leaves have fallen but other than that all the yard work/projects are done till the spring.
      Watched the first 19 seasons of Midsomer. Really enjoyed it. Unfortunately the new stuff is on Britbox.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Another Midsommer fan here. One of my coworkers told me about it in April as a way to take my mind off of work and engage it in something… I thank him every time I see him!
      I’m on season 18. I love it, and am not looking forward to hitting the end of the series. He also recommended Father Brown, so that’s next. And yes, Roku. (I hunted around a bit to avoid paying for episodes or seasons…I am putting up with commercials but the show is good enough to entertain me regardless).
      Love the scenery!

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      Rebecca, you sound so much better this week! It is good to see you mentioned lots of happy things, and had only a couple lines about your Mum. You deserve more happy times!! I am delighted for you that you are having them. And thank you – I am now craving big fall apples. And thank you for the reminder to wash winter woolens! I shall do so today, and look forward to them being soft & nicely scented on that first cold day.

      I hope you have a good week coming up, with lots of happy stuff to balance the challenges.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thank you! I washed the winter things this AM, and since the rain went through, I might hang them outside to dry so they smell extra good. It was just pouring earlier, but the sun is trying to peek out, and we should have another fairly warm day, around 67F. Going on a hike, for sure.

        I’m trying to be more positive. I don’t want to get trapped in my mother’s mire of negativity. My theory is, yes, bad things happen, but it’s how we respond and adapt that counts.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          67F! Wow. In the Seattle area we had frost overnight, but a rare thunderstorm one night last week. And for a normally dark & rainy place, today it’s blindingly bright sun, and rather chilly. A mixed bag, to be sure. A great day to stay in and sew.

          My woolens are soaking in Woolite in my kitchen sink, thanks to you! I am ready! :)

          And yes – you are your words! How we think about and react to things makes all the difference. Here’s to a cheery week (and a great autumn hike) for you.

    7. Clisby*

      Midsomer Murders is great. I like the ones with John Nettles as Tom Barnaby much better than the later ones with John Barnaby, but I’ll watch the later ones as well. What’s your favorite murder method so far? Mine will forever be the guy who was killed by having wine bottles trebucheted at his head, but there were other notable ones.

      My husband and I have also decided that every living British character actor showed up in at least one Midsomer episode.

      2. Rebecca*

        I can’t wait to see the Wine Bottles one! I’m in Season 2. So far I’ve spotted Daisy from Keeping Up Appearances :) One of the first episodes, a woman kept the body of her dead brother, I think it was, in the house, and when discovered she was the murderer, leapt out the window – OMG.

      3. Quiznakit*

        The wine trebuchet is still my favorite episode, particularly when the wife offers advice on the aim.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I enjoyed Midsomer for a long time, but I may have done too much bingeing, because I started seeing the formula more than the fun parts.

      Also, I got wierded out by the amount of incest. It appears that about 50 percent of Midsomer County are either their own half-siblings, or have an uncle/daddy. Or both.

      When I started speculating which characters in each episode had webbed toes, it was time to stop.

  47. BummedOut*

    I went to talk to a therapist for the first time this week. He confirmed what I had been suspecting for a while, that I suffered from a bore-out last year and have still to fully recover (symptoms similar to a burn-out, but a different cause). That on top of an anxious kitty who has been waking me up at 3am every night for a week, stress at school and frustrations with my hobby has made this a rough week with few happy moments.

    Anyone got tips for some self-care that can take my mind of everything? Good books to read (I really like Rainbow Rowell for easy distracting reads)?

    1. Clarissa*

      A good night’s sleep goes a long way. So put that kitty in a room of his own at night with some water, food, and a litter box. Shut your bedroom door and wear earplugs. (I like the foam ones by Flents.) And you might talk to your vet about your cat. Maybe there’s some medication to help him. You could try a different hobby for a while. Good luck!

      1. BummedOut*

        I’m hoping to get an appointment at the vet tomorrow. The issues started up straight after our last appointment, so I’m thinking it’s a reaction to the antibiotics shot she got. Kitty is also old (15), so it may be related to that as well.

    2. C Average*

      If you like Rainbow Rowell, you might like Mary H.K. Choi too. She writes youngish (college age) adult novels, including “Emergency Contact,” which is one of my favorite books ever.

      I had to Google boreout. I learned something new today. I never knew that condition had a name.

  48. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    Wife and I decided to try for a baby through home insemination- we had planned to before her ankle surgery, and in the unlikely event it takes, we can reschedule it until she is out of the first trimester.

    Anyway, I got to actually, er, do the process, because I wanted to feel involved. I feel like we timed it right, and used a cervical cap, but I know the chance is still only something like 20%.

    It’s just hard to wait the two weeks to tell whether or not it, ahem, took.

    1. Marzipan*

      Best of luck to you! I always found the timing to be really fraught, so have an internet high five from me on that front.

    3. No Name Yet*

      Good luck! Fingers crossed! (My wife ‘did it’ as well, for the same reason. Also, I have short arms, that would have been…awkward, lol.)

  49. annakarina1*

    I feel all ridiculously proud of myself because this week, on my birthday, I was at an industry event and saw my old crush there, and pushed myself to talk to him instead of shying away, and we ended up talking a lot more in a cool and fun way. I was honestly really surprised at how well it turned out.

    Basically, I went to this event, and I had seen him there but initially moved on, talking to other people, but thought “Don’t be chickenshit, just say hi at some point.” So eventually we said hi, then after the main event, I went up to him and asked what he thought of it. That turned into longer conversation about work and joking around, me talking to a friend of his about various stuff, then the three of us leaving the event to go home on the train, and me and the guy left at the same station and said bye.

    I’m just really happy that I got past my fear and insecurities, that it turned out way better than I could have thought, and that I did this on my birthday because I did not want to spoil my night with feelings of regret or kicking myself. So I’m very proud of myself for taking more of a personal step to be less nervous towards guys I like, and being more confident in general.

    2. Jane of all Trades*

      That’s awesome! It’s can be so hard to talk to people like that! And happy birthday!!!

  50. Marzipan*

    I have a terrible habit of starting craft projects and then not finishing them, and I’m really feeling like I need to get it under control before I get too close to the Marzipan Baby being due. Currently on my mind:

    – A crochet blanket which I started at Christmas (a grey and pastel colour variant of the ‘Frida’s Flowers’ blanket, Google to see what it looks like)
    – Another version of the same blanket, but in the original colours.
    – A whole ‘nother blanket that I started in the summer while teaching a colleague to crochet – the Arne and Carlos Primrose Throw pattern. It’s a great stashbuster and I got it to the point of just needing the half-flowers around the edge, and the edging, and then got distracted and shoved it under the sofa.
    – A plan to make ‘The Blanket of Good Intentions’ – gathering up every random bit of unfinished knitting or crochet from around the house and smash them together into one crazy blanket. (I turned out loads of bags and drawers and found SO MUCH WEIRD STUFF including a crochet bikini top I have no recollection of making and no idea why I would ever have thought this was wise…)
    – A load of English paper-pieced patchwork flowers for a Grandmother’s Flower Garden quilt top. I started making these… probably over 10 years ago? The fabrics are a mixture of scraps from other projects, but also things that are really meaningful, like vintage fabrics from my grandmother’s stash (including some that my mum brought back from visiting my aunt while she lived in Mombasa) and old items of clothing (things I remember wearing, plus one flower made from an old smock my mum wore while she was pregnant with me). My original thinking was to make myself a bedspread with them, so I would need a mahooosive quantity of them and inevitably I did a bunch and then put them away. But I got them out today and realised they’d be a good amount to make a baby quilt, so maybe that was always what they were for.
    – Another bit of patchwork that would make a good lap quilt/baby mat. It just needs backing and binding and what have you.
    – And, last but not least… after my mum died, we didn’t go through her things for a good 3 years. When we did, there were tons of craft materials, including her own stash of unfinished projects (apparently it’s a family trait). There were several different knitted animals in there, in various states of completion (including one thing that me and my aunts puzzled over until I came running downstairs the next morning shouting ‘I know! It’s a crocodile!’). I had been so sad that, if I ever had a baby, it wouldn’t have anything she’d made for it, so I quietly took those things and kept them in hopes I’d be able to use them one day.

    So, yeah. I need to sort myself out. I’m thinking finishing the primrose blanket and the little bit of patchwork could be first, to get a bit of momentum going?

    (Of course, all this is reckoning without the things I plan to make for Christmas…)

    2. Grace*

      There’s an article in the BBC at the moment (search for “A thousand needle workers volunteer to finish dead woman’s quilt”) about someone who moved into a house and found an unfinished quilt begun by the house’s previous owner. I think long lists of unfinished craft projects will always remind me of that, now. Who knows – maybe you’ll get volunteers to finish your projects, if there’s any you don’t want anymore.

    3. C Average*

      I don’t know if this at all applies to you, but I found that my unfinished projects were no longer interesting and they just bummed me out, and I declared a sort of craft project bankruptcy and threw them all in trash bags and took them to the Goodwill. It felt GREAT. I have never thought about them again.

      1. Dusty Bunny*

        I feel this. Once the initial wave of creative impulse has ebbed, the craft seems so much less enticing. It is as if all creativity has taken leave, and I am left with all sorts of nifty “could make this, could make that” supplies, but no desire to do any of it. I have wondered more than once if there is a craft supplies black market, where we can go swap partially finished projects with other crafters, and then bask in the vicarious thrill of someone accomplishing something we could not. Namely, finishing the project.

    4. Nita*

      Maybe just do what you feel like doing, and don’t worry about the rest. Its time may come, or you may decide it isn’t working and scrap it. I’ve had projects where I gathered materials for ten years before finally puzzling out how to put them together (the end result is gorgeous). Others got put on hold for months when I hit a snag or got busy, then got finished or taken apart and redone from scratch. Others are 100% definitely not getting finished – they’re beyond fixing and, to me, not worth the effort to fix them.

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      That’s not such a long list, and it’s really not that terrible a habit – don’t be too hard on yourself. I think of my sewing UFOs (unfinished objects) as comparable to books I started to read, didn’t enjoy & won’t finish. I feel zero guilt about the sewing or the books – life is too short! Every now & then I sift through them, and decide which are truly done, then donate the ‘partials’ (usually gallon zipper bags with half-done parts, cut out pieces, patterns, notions, etc) to the local sewing guild, who hands them out as treats for new members who want the instant gratification of making a project quickly, which they can do because they already had a ‘jumpstart’ from me. Free yourself! It feels great, and you can focus on the projects you are really jazzed about.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A friend told me that fabric & yarn have to age properly like fine wine. I decided to add ‘and projects’ to that list so I don’t feel bad about delays. I learned the hard way to be compulsive about keeping the project pieces together. (I’m kicking myself because I broke this rule this summer and found yarn without the partial C2C afghan that got put on hold for baby blankets. Argh!)
      The crocodile sounds awesome. I have my mom’s teddy bear pattern and someday will be good enough to attempt it.

  51. LizB*

    I don’t think we’ve had a mental health thread in a while, so let’s do that. What went well this week? What are you struggling with? What coping mechanisms or strategies have been helping lately?

    (Also, on the subject, anyone heard from Junior Dev? Are they posting under another name? I’ve been thinking about them and hoping they’re well.)

    1. LizB*

      For myself: my doctor started me on an additional anxiety medication a couple months ago, while I was struggling in a Very Bad For Me job. I had my annual physical this week, and we decided to take me off that new med again, huzzah! At this week’s appointment, my score on the anxiety scale my doctor uses was a three. The previous result, when I was in Very Bad For Me job, had been a TWENTY ONE. I’m literally seven times healthier after getting out of there. It’s wild.

    2. fposte*

      I saw a post from them in the last couple of weeks, I think, though I don’t think it was on the weekend thread; I hope they’re out doing fun things on weekends.

    3. Anoning here*

      Trigger warnings for sexual assault!

      I had a stunning CPTSD realization today. I was reading (fiction) and it mentioned how people who are raped can be blamed/told that it couldn’t be that bad if they had a physical reaction that implied they somehow enjoyed it.

      And I suddenly realized that that’s the same faulty logic my emotionally abusive father used when he would say to me “how depressed/upset/mentally ill can you be, you were smiling/enjoying yourself!”

    4. Elf*

      I’m really starting to feel the seasonal depression (I’m not feeling sad or down, particularly, but my ability to actually accomplish tasks has gone absolutely into the toilet).

      Last year I was off on maternity leave, and had almost no seasonal problems (just a bit in February), and I had put it down to the fact that I was walking my son to and from nursery school three days a week, which was a bit over a mile round trip, outside, each way. This year, I’m able to pick him up about four days a week (High school teacher; my day starts ridiculously early but ends early too), so I’m getting nearly as much walk as before, and I’ve taken up Capoeira so I’m doing more hardcore exercise at least three days a week, but it doesn’t seem to be helping.

      I have a few hypotheses. I think the most likely is that last year I could generally sleep until dawn or nearly so (still up very early, b/c little kids, but dawn), whereas this year it’s full dark until about halfway through my commute already (I have to be on the road by 6:30). It’s also possible that the fluorescent lighting in my school and/or general dimness and awful atmosphere are making a difference, or that the fact that my outdoor walking was in the morning instead of the afternoon last year was important.

      I got a light up alarm clock, which makes a marginal difference in ease of getting out of bed but very marginal, and only if I roll over so it’s shining right in my face for a few minutes before I get up.

      Is it likely that a light box would help? There’s one in the house, but my husband is using it at the only time that would likely work. Should I try getting one for my desk at work? (I’m not there all day – teacher – but I could turn it on during prep periods). How much would it matter that it wasn’t always at the same time of day (rotating schedule – preps at different times different days).

      I’d love any advice on the light box question (including brand/model recs and usage suggestions) or any other suggestions for modifications I can make. Pharmaceuticals are a no-go for me, I had very bad experiences many years ago and am never under any circumstances trying again.

    5. Overeducated*

      I’ve been wondering about the same kind of “is this capital-A anxiety or am I just an anxious person?” questions someone else posted above. I have indeed always been an anxious person, and sometimes I feel defensive about that not being a bad thing (e.g. I’m very good at planning ahead and mostly worry about things that are rational to worry about). But I’m at a life junction where hormones and sleep deprivation are amplifying that and likely to do so more soon. So just self-monitoring and hoping i can recognize the line between “this is just who I am and how I am right now and it’s fine,” and “this is having too much negative impact on my family and I need help.” Don’t think I’m there yet, but hope I will see if/when I cross it.

    6. Desperately seeking cute kitty*

      I realised that I’m ready to try moving on from therapy. I still have stuff I’m struggling with but I realised that it’s now about practicing the stuff my therapist has already taught me rather than needing to learn new things.

  52. Christmas*

    I got the flu shot for the first time in ages, at a local pharmacy 6 days ago.
    I guess I have long forgotten about what side effects feel like. But basically it feels like I’m fighting off the flu for real. Is this normal? I feel OK in the mornings, then in waves throughout the day, I feel feverish, weak, and my head aches. I was out at a café this morning working on my laptop and I started to get so dizzy and weak that I jumped in my car and came home while I could still drive. I can’t afford to go to my primary care doctor right now, not for another week at least. Anyone else have experience like this? Do you think I’m just processing the flu shot?

    1. LizB*

      I’m sorry you’re feeling so unwell! That sounds really annoying. I would guess a combo of processing the flu shot and maybe having caught a little fall bug at the same time, while your immune system was already distracted. Every person reacts to it differently, and can react to each year’s shot differently from the year before; it sounds like you just had bad luck this year.

    2. Teacher Lady*

      I had the same experience on two occasions when I had to get the flu shot when I wasn’t feeling well (probably fighting off a minor cold both times; nothing serious). Since I know one can’t get the flu from a flu shot, and I know I have no sensitivities to any components of the flu shot, I just chalked it up to whatever was already making me feel under the weather. Sorry you’re not feeling well, I hope it passes soon!

    3. AnonoDoc*

      Six days is a long time, but flu-like symptoms in the first 48 hours are a sign your immune system is recognizing to antigen and responding well by going into full antibody production mode.

      Agree that you may also have a fall bug going on at the same time, plus flu is already circulating and it takes a good 2 weeks for the immunization to be effective, so you could be one of the unlucky people who comes down with flu in the window before the shot is effective. That is fairly uncommon bad luck though, fortunately!

      I hope you feel better soon!

    4. Marzipan*

      I don’t think I’ve ever had a flu shot before this year About a week after I got it, I started to feel a lot like I was coming down with something… except it kept being much milder that I’d expect even a cold to be. I kept expecting it to properly develop into something, and it just… didn’t. So I eventually concluded that it was probably just my body going through the motions of whatever it was learning from the jab.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I call it the pseudo flu. It’s your body fighting what’s in the shot. It’s much milder than the flu and it’s not contagious, but rest and fluids are still important! My partner was under the weather for about four days post-shot.

    6. WellRed*

      I got my flu shot two weeks ago. I definitely felt draggy and achy like I was fighting off a cold for nearly a week following. Can’t remember if that’s happened to me before.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Happens to me every time, but usually right after the shot. It sounds like maybe you picked up a little bug in the meantime.
      Good on you for getting it, though. If you do get one of the flu strains, it will help you fight it off. Also, you’re protecting others. Yay for herd immunity! \0/

    8. Not a cat*

      I don’t have any reaction at all but a good friend has exactly the same reactions. She says it is like getting a ‘mini-flu’.

    9. Clarissa*

      That happened to me! And I had never had a reaction to a flu shot. It only lasted a day. It lasted two days for a friend.

    10. Nita*

      I’ve heard so many adults complain of the same thing that I’m scared of getting the flu shot even though I really want to (very physical stressful job right now). It’s so odd, because my kids get the shot every year, and they usually react as if the shot was full of sugar, not virus bits – happy as clams, bouncing off the walls, maybe a bit of fever or wacky appetite but nothing really flu-like. I don’t get it!

      1. Christy*

        I bet this is just because people without reactions probably aren’t going to talk about it. I, for instance, had no symptoms (even arm pain) after the initial needle prick.

        1. Overeducated*

          Yup. My whole family had a full day of arm pain from this year’s flu shot but none of us have ever experienced flu-like symptoms, so it’s not something we bring up.

        2. Courageous cat*

          Yeah, I had no reaction whatsoever and neither did any of my coworkers – at least 30 of us.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        The mild symptoms some people sometimes experience with the shot (I get the shot every year and only felt ill once) are WAY better than the actual flu. Flu is horrible and I never want to get it again, nor do I want to be the reason someone gets it who is not as healthy as I am and can’t get the shot for health reasons.

        Please don’t let this scare you! It’s worth it even if you don’t feel well for a couple of days.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Yep…my grandparents generation included army nurses and an ambulance driver who were on duty during the Spanish Flu epidemic.
          I was repeatedly told ‘If just the shot makes you feel bad for a few days, the disease itself would have sent you to the hospital.” This was intended to be reassuring I think. ;)

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Oh yes, this. I got genuine flu for the first time about two years ago and it was awful. I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. The slight off feeling for a few days was nothing in comparison.

      3. I'm A Little Teapot*

        All I get is a slightly sore arm for a couple days. Got mine Friday afternoon, and if I rub my arm its a tad sore (now Sunday night).

    11. StrikingFalcon*

      It’s normal. Your body is mounting an immune response to the dead virus in the shot, which is what builds your immunity to the real flu. Sometimes the immune response is strong enough to produce (usually mild) flu-like symptoms. The most common side effect of the flu shot is arm pain, but this is very common also. It will pass, usually in a day or a couple days. Rest, drink lots of fluids. You aren’t contagious, and if you weren’t feeling sick before the shot there’s no reason to think you’re sick with anything else, but treat it like you would any other cold or minor illness in terms of self care. Also, most people who have a reaction like this don’t get it every time they get the shot, but it does happen occasionally.

  53. Less Awful*

    I wrote about a month or so ago about bed bugs. The really good news is I seem to be fully clean now, which is a huge relief. They are going to do one more inspection to make sure it’s clear next month, but everything seems good.

    I lost a weirdly large amount of things like clothes (hot dry, hot wash, hot dry over and over) and threw out all the bedding and blankets. The only thing I haven’t thrown out yet that I want to get GONE is the bed because that’s expensive to replace if there are any left. (Since it wasn’t where the main infestation was I think I’m a little less creeped out, if they’d been heavily infested I think I would have already dumped it.)

    Mostly though I’m weirdly mad that I got them without any rhyme or reason. No travel, no going anywhere with anyone, no one new in my space, no one I knew had them. Nothing. Just BAM. So I’m irrationally angry about that. I’ve got a stack of irrational anger that is mostly quieting down, but it’s so weird and random that I keep coming back to that.

    Thank you again so much to everyone who kindly responded with tips and personal experiences. It was awful, but I did get through it and hearing that from you really helped. (Especially the person who had the comment about going out to the car and then going back in and crying and putting stuff back together. That was basically me, so I felt much less alone about it, thank you so much.)

    1. Anon Here*

      I was traumatized by having them. Ugh, it was bad in so many ways.

      1) The reasons – fleeing an abusive roommate who I only moved in with because it was the only option when the landlord wouldn’t maintain my apartment in the most basic ways (and my brother talked me into it, which was kind of yucky and made me feel resentful towards him). And the people next door sprayed for bedbugs right after I moved in, as if they wanted their bugs to flood into my place, which was creepy because we had known each other a long time and the man strongly disliked me and would tell bizarre lies about me.

      2) The sleep deprivation and ensuing delirium resulting from living with a severe infestation.

      3) The social stigma. Walking around with obvious bedbug bites all over my face, trying to pretend everything was OK.

      4) The amount of stuff that I lost.

      5) The financial impact.

      6) Worrying that I would get silicosis from the diatomaceous earth.

      7) Having to be secretive about it so I could find a new place to live. Because no one wanted to rent to someone escaping bedbugs.

      8) All the dismissive reactions from people. “Bugs? What’s the big deal?” “No, they drink your blood every night and you gradually become allergic to them and have a toxic reaction to the bites and they breed fast and are virtually indestructible.”

      9) The SMELL. They give off a sickly sweet smell when they’ve recently fed and an awful chemical-ish smell when they’re hungry. And smelling that in other places and knowing what it is.

      I still feel shaken up by it. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been through it.

      1. Reba*

        Yes! I think my personality really changed during that time we were fighting them. I thought I was over it but a couple years ago I got bitten in a hotel and I lost my sh*t all over again. So it can stay with you a while.

        So glad both you and Less Awful are past that now (fingers crossed).

        1. Less Awful*

          The thing that is sticking with me right now is clothes getting washed REAL fast when I get home, never worn twice, and never left to contaminate anything else. I can’t do this forever (winter is coming and I can’t wash my coat every night!). SO many people do far more interesting and contact with other people/potential for transmission things and never have this issue. How the hell did I get them will haunt me so much. I go to work, home, occasionally out to eat at the same 3 places, sometimes the grocery store, I ride in a car with a friend once a week. That’s my whole damn life. Where did I get them? It’s the thing that still scares me.

          It’s good to know it’s not just me that it continues to haunt. I feel like I should be lalala back to normal but …

          2. Anon Here*

            I was paranoid about reinfestation for years afterward. I would avoid going to other people’s houses or having anyone over. I got a metal bed frame with rubber feet and a latex mattess. I locked a lot of my stuff in a storage unit and left it there for two years. And when I moved, I had a bedbug sniffing dog come and check the new place to make sure no bugs had come with me.*

            I’m glad to hear I wasn’t the only one to have weird personality changes. There was a physical/psychological effect as the infestation got worse. My body just wouldn’t let me sleep at night, and I had tons of anxiety and a sort of delirium from insomnia. It was so good to finally sleep again. My infestation was in a big building that had to be treated as a whole; treating individual units didn’t help.

            *Interesting side note there. The dog’s handler said he raises bedbugs to keep his dogs well trained and to study them. It occured to me and a friend later, HOW does he feed them? They only eat human blood. They can eat other animals’ blood, but they need human blood to grow and be healthy. It struck me – does this man prick one of his fingers and squeeze drops of blood out to feed his pet bedbugs?? The world may never know.

          3. Reba*

            A couple points — you can store in bags like Anono-me says. And it’s the drying with heat that is more important than the washing with soap. I hope that helps make your routine a little easier.

            Yeah, the uncertainty sucks, because you would want to be able to like, learn a lesson and avoid this in the future… but you just can’t!

      2. Less Awful*

        Crap. That’s horrible. I feel really lucky mine was a light infestation (the bug guy only found 1 live one at the initial inspection). The sleep was the thing that hit me hardest and I still feel like I’m only starting to get over. I still wake up in the middle of the night and I sleep with a light next to me that I can shine on the bed and the walls to see if there are any there. But while I was in the waiting I would just lie awake staring at the wall waiting for any to come out, just waiting and waiting.

        Oddly I’ve not gotten dismissive reactions at all, everyone has been treating me like a damn leper when I tell them, mostly I haven’t been talking about it for that reason. So I’m trying to manage it all in secret and alone which is so damn hard and lonely. It’s weirdly been really lonely for me. That may be the sleep deprivation talking too.

        I still don’t know if my apartment building is going to charge me for the treatment. They can in the lease, but they don’t have to and they haven’t talked to me about it. So I may get a giant bill, it’s not like I could have NOT treated, so I don’t really have much choice in it, but I’m weirdly just holding my breath about it instead of asking. Partly so I can try to sock away money as hard as possible so I can afford it when it happens. The cost of everything else has been incredibly expensive, but I assume the treatment will be a couple thousand dollars on top of it. It’s so expensive.

        I’m glad you’re on the other side of it now.

      3. Alexandra Lynch*

        The bugs were the final straw that broke my 25 year marriage apart. Not that it was in great shape, as he was verbally and mentally abusive, but I was used to that, I’d grown up with that. But hearing him say “Well, they’re not biting me, so there’s no problem” …. yeah, not okay. Not something I was willing to live with.

        I’m living with my boyfriend (polyamory) and things are better now.

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I heard a promo for a news broadcast but not the story itself –somewhere in the US, a library has a new policy to suspend lending privileges of anyone who returns a book with bed bugs in it. And I suddenly really really appreciate ebook loans.

    2. Jdc*

      we discovered them last weekend. We have bombed the house, I spent about 50 hours cleaning so far and I’m still getting bit although I can’t find any to save my life. I’m so exhausted with it. I’m trying to not be frustrated with my step son since he brought them in (infestation is in his room) and he doesn’t do chores when he’s supposed to so they weren’t spotted as early as they would’ve been had he just washed his sheets when he is supposed to. I know he didn’t know or do it on purpose but a part of my brain is annoyed with him because he was of so little help cleaning and I didn’t have the emotional energy to debate it with him, him not do it right etc. I was already cleaning for so long I just couldn’t deal so I did it all myself. I’m still exhausted.

      1. Less Awful*

        I really hope this gets better for you. I basically would get home from work and clean until bed and then get up and clean for an hour before work. So all I did from seeing them until treatment was work, clean, and panic. I think that it really does bad stuff to your brain, mostly exhausting and sleep deprivation.

        I really hope your treatment was a total success.

  54. Birdie*

    Any suggestions on how to get my partner to stop chewing with their mouth open/chewing loudly/smacking gums? I’m being driven crazy. They think it’s completely normal..

    2. Yup*

      I have a lifelong friend who was raised by his father who never taught him any manners. He eats just like your partner.

      I’ve accepted that this is just the way he is and will not change.

      My wife makes sure she doesn’t sit across from him at Social functions so she doesn’t see the food tossing around like a washing machine inside his mouth.

    3. WellRed*

      I agree with toast. Tell him. This is something that can be improved upon and you’d be doing him (and the rest of us) a great service.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      “You may believe it’s normal, but I’m telling you I can’t stand it. It turns my stomach and it makes me not want to share a meal with you or even be in the same room while you’re eating. I sincerely need you to keep your mouth closed while you’re chewing your food.”

      1. Parenthetically*

        This. It literally does not matter if it’s normal (although I’d go out to eat with him and challenge him to look around and really notice that he’s the only one eating like that), it matters that it’s driving you nuts and grossing you out. Frame it as, “This is something that I’m asking you to change as someone you care about, as a gesture of that care, not as a Referendum on Average Manners In Our Society.”

      2. Washi*

        My husband used to be a lot like this. He didn’t chew with his mouth wide open, but it was often a little open, and the more he was enjoying his food, the more vigorously he smacked his lips. His dad is the same way, so he definitely thought it was normal/didn’t even notice it.

        I had to put it to him very bluntly, much like Glomarization, Esq.’s script, to make him understand how much it bothered me. Like, I had to be borderline mean. Also, he immediately tried to stop and has continued trying to work on it, but it’s been about 5 years since the first time I said anything, and I still occasionally have to remind him not to smack. So it is 100% worth saying something but also it may take quite a while for him to re-train himself to chew a different way, especially if he smacks with enjoyment like my husband!

    5. Anono-me*

      I don’t think it is normal either; but that doesn’t really matter. Your partner does think it is normal. So stop arguing about who is right about it being normal and explain that it grosses you out and you think it is so unattractive that you need it to be one of arbitrary things that you get to ‘win’.

      In our relationship each person gets a few subjective things where we ‘win’ arbitrarily because it is a very big deal to one of us not the other. (To be used sparingly. )

    6. Dainty Lady*

      I have written this exact post before! My husband makes so much eating noise that I can barely share a meal with him any more and certainly cannot enjoy it. There is, sadly, no solution whatsoever.

      1. Auntie Social*

        Did you ever show him noisy eating videos or anything? Does going out with him to a restaurant make it better—restaurant noise and all that—or worse? I admire your patience. I might go eat in the bedroom.

    7. Orange You Glad*

      Double check that they can breathe through their nose while eating. Not everyone can and it’s physically impossible to chew with your mouth closed if you can’t breathe through your nose.

      (This was my sister until she got a chiropractic adjustment as a teenager and could breathe through her nose for the first time.)

  55. Judddddddy*

    I’ve called those crisis mental health lines before a couple times… once when I was thrown out and couldn’t even think straight to figure out where to go, and a second time when a friend died.

    They always ask me if I’ve thought about killing myself… multiple times… it seems like that’s the whole goal of the call. Like, ask you as many times as possible if you’re thinking about dying and then… what? They call the police, you go to the mental hospital, they watch you, and you get a bill for $10k?

    Am I wrong?

    I really appreciated the hotlines and their help, but I also felt like I wasn’t welcome because I wasn’t calling about a true emergency.

    1. Can't live*

      I think they truly do want to prevent your death when you call and the only way that they can nail you is if you say you’re thinking of killing yourself.

      And the cops show up and place you in a three-day psychological hold at your local Mental Health Hospital.

      I’ve been there and spent three days in a mental health facility and they were more concerned with making sure I paid the bill before being released than actually talking to me about what caused me to try to end my life.

      Had to pay 10% copay with my insurance, total bill was almost $4,000. I believe it was just a scam for money and they never helped me one bit.

    2. The Francher Kid*

      My ex-husband was a counselor who was both on call and a contact for the crisis lines. He said that when they were talking on the phone with someone in crisis and could not see their body language to look for nonverbal cues, they would ask more than once to try to be as sure as possible that suicide was not being considered. If the person is suicidal, they try to work with the person to come up with a safety plan they can agree to, like calling a friend or calling the crisis line back to check in. They have referral information to area services if that’s wanted. They do try to help without outside intervention whenever possible, and they only call the police if the crisis worker has serious concerns about the person’s safety and that happens very infrequently.

      I’m sorry you felt unwelcome. The people I know who work these lines take it very seriously and want to make sure they’re responding appropriately.

      1. Juddddddy*

        1. I’ve heard a psychologist say that if you’re in therapy and say you were thinking about dying, they don’t call the police and give you tools to work through it… but if you say you are planning on it, then they do. I still don’t really trust shrinks to make that distinction though. There’s a higher risk if they don’t call the cops than if they do.

        2. It wasn’t a suicide line, so… I mean I was like bawling like not knowing where to live or what to do… and I sort of felt like it was a suicide hotline that was just called something else. I don’t know if that’s true because in the marketing they make it seem like you can call for any reason.

        1. ThatGirl*

          My husband is a therapist and sometimes has to make the call about whether a student should be hospitalized. Ideation versus plan does matter, but sometimes it’s hard to find the line between “thinking about it” and actively planning. But he doesn’t call the cops, he drives the student to the hospital or calls an ambulance. I know that police often make mental health crises worse, but EMTs are trained to help.

          Anyway, crisis hotlines are for people in crisis. If you were having a crisis, you’re allowed to call.

        2. Ethyl*

          My spouse also works on a crisis line, and I can promise you, nobody is like, scheming or in cahoots with the cops to get you involuntarily committed. It’s more likely that you were saying something concerning to the person who was talking to you who, as mentioned above, couldn’t see your nonverbal cues and wanted to err on the side of caution. Feeling unwelcome could be a manifestation of the anxiety and stress you were feeling at the time, maybe?

    3. Anoning here*

      Actual Crisis Line volunteer here. Let me tell you about how mine works.

      I volunteer for Crisis Text Line. It’s all text based. (Text 741741 in the US, visit our website for Canada and UK details).

      So first of all, we welcome all crises, however you define it, from you are feeling suicidal to you are having a rough breakup to schoolwork is stressing you out. If you feel in crisis, we want to support you.

      Second of all, we do assess for suicide in every conversation. We adopted this policy when our data showed that asking only if we felt the texter said something that prompted us to ask was missing people who were a suicide risk. But we have a very strict policy for when we will call the police, and there are 5 criteria that have to be met: 1) are you having thoughts of suicide 2) do you have a plan 3) do you have the means to carry out this plan 4) are you planning on carrying this plan in the next 24 hours and 5) are you unwilling to safety plan with us? Know that safety planning can simply be agreeing that if you feel you are going to act on your plan, you will text back in.

      So yes, we do occasionally call the cops. But it’s very rare. And we never want to do it.

      And for what it’s worth, our stats for last week showed 85% of texters were satisfied with their experience with us.

      2. Anon today*

        I am a volunteer with Crisis Text Line too. You described it perfectly. I sometimes find it a little awkward to ask those questions, but we are trained and required to ask. If you answer no to any of them, we stop asking if you are suicidal and can focus on the reason you are texting in- stress, relationships, etc.

  56. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    I kind of miss there being a running thread, so I’m going to start one, even though I don’t have much to contribute to it myself — other than the fact that I’m going to run after I get out of work and I can’t wait. Although I’m not fast by any means, it doesn’t take me much longer to run home from work than it does to take the train!

    I know LGC is running the NYC Marathon – if there are others out there on AAM who will be in NYC, all the best of luck! I’m seeing the ads everywhere I go now, and I’m excited for everyone. Although my days of running full marathons are probably over, a part of me wants to give my hometown marathon one more go if I could manage to get in by lottery (I don’t have the budget, or honestly the patience, for New York Road Runners’ “run nine races plus one forced volunteerism experience” guaranteed-entry system anymore).

    1. LGC*

      Thanks! (It’ll be my second time, and somehow I got a higher number this year although my one qualifying race this year was faster than last year’s.) I’m probably going to be the really tall guy wearing a disturbing amount of pink. (Not just on my feet.)

      I’ve had a couple of friends do 9+1, including one of my teammates this year. You’re right that it is A Commitment! But he likes racing to begin with (like, he came out for another teammate’s benefit 5k the day before doing Bronx). But then again, I’ve enjoyed the couple of times I’ve volunteered at different races, and I feel like I should race more than I do. So I’m a bit weird. (Like, I don’t need to do 9+1 to get in (#flex), but I mean…I already did like five races in NYC this year, and would have done a 6th if it wasn’t the day my best friend got married.)

      It’s also pretty late in the marathoning season (at least in the north – NYC is the last world major of this calendar year, and one of the latest marathons in the area in general), but I know MCM (Marine Corps Marathon) in DC is tomorrow, and then Philadelphia is a couple of weeks after NYC. And that’s just in the Northeast! One of my friends is doing CIM (California International Marathon) in December. I get a disturbing amount of ads for Houston in January.

    2. londonedit*

      Best of luck for the marathon, LGC! I went over to NYC in 2014 to cheer on some people from my running club, and we had the best time (obviously it was part of a general NYC holiday for me!)

      I’m not training for anything but I’ve had a pretty good weekend’s running. My default parkrun time now seems to be 26-something (26:11 yesterday; 26:24 two weeks ago) which seeing as my PB is 25:54, is pretty good going! My goal is a parkrun PB by the end of the year (that 25:54 is from 2016!) Then this morning I went for an 8-mile run with some running club friends and it was just glorious – crisp and cold and sunny. We run along the Thames and it’s just beautiful. I hadn’t done anything longer than 5k since my half-marathon at the end of September, so I was pleased with the distance, and I was also pleased with my 9:15/mile pace. I’m really enjoying my running at the moment, which I’m grateful for as we all have those peaks and troughs – I’m enjoying being on a bit of a peak for however long it lasts!

  57. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    Watching Grand Designs on Netflix while I build furniture, and in almost every single episode people, who do not have millions of dollars, get up with nearly/more than a million dollars/Euros in debt. Is this at all normal? I’m a chronic renter, and I can’t imagine ever going into debt for “luxury” housing.

    1. Reba*

      Grand Designs… I love it so much… And yet it is Not Normal! Debt for housing in general makes sense in a lot of cases, but people spend! so! much! On that show! And then they are always surprised when the costs run over due to their preposterous design.

  58. Twisted Knickers*

    Just wanted to thank everyone who gave advice/wished me well as I ventured into online dating after being widowed for several years. I’ve been dating a great guy for almost 9 months and couldn’t be happier. Thanks for the gentle push and encouragement!

  59. T3k*

    Does anyone have advice for first time traveler to another country/saving up for trips solo, etc.? Long story short I’ve been wanting to visit Germany since college but either didn’t have enough money or really didn’t have enough money. I still don’t get paid much at my job and barely have an emergency savings (I need to probably save another $2k to have a comfortable 6 month fund) and I have student loans I’ve been paying off slowly (got about $17k left to go). The problem is my practical side is going “wait until loans are paid off” but then the other side is going “you may never get to visit at this rate”. So I’m trying to see if I can visit on a decent budget or not.

    For context, I’d very likely be going solo, I don’t mind staying at hostels, and really just want to go sight-seeing, maybe some tours, and maybe even throw in some concerts (a lot of bands I love are German) but don’t know how practical or impractical this is to try and do. Thanks!

    1. googs*

      Getting there is the most expensive bit – have you set up price alerts for flights? Set the alerts for cheaper hubs like Berlin (cheapest to fly into, google flights is showing 606-636$ for November flights and on-wards) or Frankfurt. Once you are there, hostels range from 10 – 30 bucks a night (this is actually quite expensive for a hostel, expect around 13-20 bucks USD a night for a mixed room- check out HostelWorld to get an idea, you have to ask yourself what level of comfort and cleanliness you are looking for vs the price, ha…) Travel costs will all depend on how you wanna travel, how far and how often you are travelling but generally it’s not too bad if you stay in one region (booking tickets in advance makes everything cheaper). Eating is generally cheap esp if you just buy your own food and prep it yourself (just check your accommodations for storing refrigerated food) but kebabs are cheap & filling (to me).

      Best rule of thumb is to make an itinerary and tally up an estimate of costs from this (round-trip flight, travel to and from airport, hostel cost, food, concert tickets, in-country travel, admission fee for anything you want to go to). Then assume you will need at least 100-200 bucks more on top, in case something pops up. Solo travel is totally practical, esp in a place like Germany which is a popular destination, but it’s wise to go in knowing what you will be spending on and having things pre-booked and researched helps.

    2. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I say, no need to wait on paying off the student loans. I mean, that’s probably bad financial advice, but it’s good life advice. You only live once. What’s the point if you’re not even *trying* to do the things you most want to do? <3

      Sign up for deal alerts from airlines, Travelocity, Scott's Cheap Flights, I'm sure there are others. I'm not sure how often European destinations pop up, but they definitely do sometimes, and I've seen them in the $500 – $1000 range for sure, maybe there are rare times they go even lower? And remember, it's Europe, so if you see a killer flight deal to Paris and you think "wow, I could actually swing a trip at that price on those days" you can nab it and take a comparably cheap train or bus from there.

    3. AW*

      There’s always a reason not to, but if you can make it work then I think you should take the trip.

      Hosteling is fairly cheap some have free breakfast included and they’ll all have a kitchen you can use to keep meal costs down, some offer a free walking of the city and they’re a great way to meet people. Germany has a good train network so you’ll easily be able to get around between cities and there’s some great museums and galleries to visit.

      I left home for Australia when I was 19 and remember how nervous I was On my flight out, but I’ve backpacked in Asia, Europe and parts of Africa since then and have never regretted a trip.

    4. Invisible Fish*

      I am sorry I don’t have tips, but that’s because I didn’t travel when I was younger/in a similar situation. What I do have to say is “GO NOW.” Sure, plan carefully, be budget conscious, be safe, but GO NOW. Student loans are just going to slink after you whether you travel now or later or never – GO NOW. Please don’t end up like me, always being responsible and cautious and therefore regretting choices.

    5. T3k*

      Thanks everyone for the responses! I realized you guys are right, there is likely never going to be an optimal time and should go for it if I can reasonably do it :) It’ll be tentative, but going to see if I can aim for summer next year and see how much that’ll cost me to try and prepare for it. Thanks!

      1. Freckles McGee*

        Also, sign up for a Hostelling International membership too before you go. A lot of youth hostels (Jugendherberge) in Germany require you to have a membership to stay. You can join HI USA if you are in the US. The membership is cheap ($18 USD for 12 months) and it offers discounts on (some) hostel stays and cultural stuff as well, so well worth the investment.

  60. knead me seymour*

    Any athletes out there who can give me some advice? I’ve recently joined a competitive dragonboating team, and I’m still struggling, a few months in. I know there is a learning curve, but I feel like I’m not really making much progress, and it’s a little demoralizing to be called out by the coaches every practice for bad technique. I feel like it’s partly a psychological issue, since I’m not used to being part of a team or having anyone else rely on or really care about my athletic abilities–which is probably for the best, because I am far from a natural athlete. Anyone else been through something similar?

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Is there some way to practice between times with the team? Can you ask the coaches about it?
      I struggled a lot at the beginning of skating; practicing helped me do better.

      1. knead me seymour*

        I think that would be really helpful if I could do it, but at least where I am, the only way to practice more would be to join a more competitive team (unlikely given my skill level). I am going to try to improve my fitness generally, so hopefully that helps a bit.

    3. LGC*

      That’s tough.

      So my first question is – how competitive is the team? Ideally you want to be somewhere you feel challenged, but not overwhelmed. From the way you describe it, the team you’re on now doesn’t seem like a good fit – not because you’re incapable, but because you constantly feel criticized and like you’re not improving. (At least, that’s how I’m reading it.)

      I’ll admit that I was today years old when I learned competitive dragonboating was a thing (also I was today years old when I learned what a dragonboat was), so finding another team that’s local is something I don’t know much about. But if you can find a lower pressure situation, do so!

      (And if you want to stay with your current group…what I’ve done is dissociate a bit. Like, just because my form is bad doesn’t mean I’m bad.)

      To your actual question…that’s going to be in the replies. But in short: yes! It’s something I’m not perfect at dealing with.

      1. knead me seymour*

        You make a good point, but my team is actually about as low-key it gets for dragonboating! The coaches aren’t actually super intense, it just bothers me when they get frustrated at us for underperforming and I know I could be doing better but can’t seem to make any headway. Can you tell I was a teacher’s pet in school? I think most of this is just down to my lack of experience and confidence with sports generally. I’ve really mastered the art of signing up for activities I don’t have any natural talent for, lately.

        1. LGC*

          …you know you just solved your own problem, right? ;)

          Admittedly, I’m the same way where I sometimes feel like I’m a failure if I’m not immediately good at something. And I think that…for me, getting better at “failing” means…actually getting outside my comfort zone.

          (I put “failing” in quotes because you’re not failing – you’re just not at the level you want to be at.)

          I also don’t think your coaches are “disappointed” in you – that’s really strong language, I think. IME, most coaches are only “disappointed” if they think you’re not trying.

          Finally – I wrote a novel before (which I started before you posted this comment), but I think natural talent is pretty rare. I’d say that most people would have some difficulty with a new event!

      2. LGC*

        Okay, so you were really asking whether others have felt like they’re in over their heads and just not making progress. And…spoilers, there have been quite a few times where I’ve had that happen.

        I’ve picked up a rep on the weekend thread as one of the Running Guys, and objectively, I’m a decently fast amateur runner. (2:54 is my marathon PR, and I’m hoping to slip in under that next week!) I’m also friends with quite a few people that are way more accomplished than I am – as in, I’ve run multiple times with world class athletes who happen to be local.

        There was one time when I ran a workout with one of my friends last year. She’s a world-class runner. (As in, she’s been in the elite fields at major marathons and represented the US at Worlds.) It was 5×2 miles at marathon pace (for her – which is close to what my 10k pace is), with I think 3 minutes jogging between reps. Basically, I was trying to do for 10 miles what I’ve done for six at best. In the middle of a 20-mile long run. Somehow, I managed to kind of hold on for three repeats (sort of), and then I bailed after falling off badly on the third.

        A normal, well-adjusted person would say, “Dude, you managed to do most of a really intense workout with one of the top marathoners in the US – as just A Guy.” To be honest, in the moment I felt like a bit of a wimp since I felt so out of my depth. And – like – I was! But also, I do not like admitting defeat – if I see a guy (or a girl), and my lizard brain thinks I can keep up, I’ll do it.

        I won’t even get into when I first started running with my current group (about three years ago now). For almost a year after I started, I would get dropped by the end of literally every long run. There were quite a few embarrassing incidents, including the one time I made a wrong turn on a loop and got back an hour after everyone else. (In an area that I had grown up in. And had bragged about growing up in beforehand. Oops!) But I think I stuck with it partly because I’m so headstrong – it’s a double-edged sword. I’ve gotten myself in trouble because I won’t always listen to my body, but also…like, I often come out of things thinking, “Hey, I almost got that guy, maybe I can get him the next go-around.” Or, “hey, I ran X time, maybe I can get in under that.” Or whatever.

        Looping back, I want to hone in on the second-to-last sentence:

        I feel like it’s partly a psychological issue, since I’m not used to being part of a team or having anyone else rely on or really care about my athletic abilities–which is probably for the best, because I am far from a natural athlete.

        It is mostly a psychological issue, I think. Most people are not “natural athletes,” in that they’re not just going to be good at something right off the bat. You started a few months ago (you don’t say how long you’ve been doing it), and I can’t imagine that you paddle on the regular (just because you need to get at least 8 other people together to practice on the boat, according to Wikipedia). Framed that way – you’re struggling because you’re learning still. At least grant yourself a few more months, depending on how often you practice.

        (And yes, I fully admit that this last paragraph is basically, “but brah, you just gotta be more positive, brah.” But honestly…yeah. You’re not where everyone else is, but how much is everyone else doing? How long have they been doing this? I bet you that at least 75% of your crew at the absolute minimum made complete idiots of themselves when they started out with the sport.)

        And if you’re just practicing once a week…I’m going to defer to German Girl (especially since she knows the sport). Barring working with a coach, you might want to watch videos and practice in front of a mirror – this isn’t ideal, since you’re not getting feedback from someone else who’s more experienced, but it should help you get the form a bit more down.

    4. Person from the Resume*

      Would you be helped by being fitter in a particular way? Through a trainer or some online research? My activities are more common but there’s exercises/stretches/yoga for XXX. Maybe your stroke mimics another type of boating stroke that you could look up exercises for.

      If it’s form problems, can you practice your form on your own out of water to develop muscle memory and habit to not fall out of proper form

    5. German Girl*

      Have a coach or an experienced team member to through the technique with you on dry land. Just put a stool on the dock and paddle through the air (or water, if the dock is very low).

      For me, the difficult parts were going forward with a straight back and far enough, and getting the twisting of the paddle right when you move it forward over the water.
      Other common problems are not stretching the arms or not having the paddle upright and as close to the boat as possible.

      It’s much easier to correct this when your coach is standing next to you on the dock and can use their hands to guide you through the correct motions.

      1. knead me seymour*

        Thanks for the advice! I have paddled in slow motion by myself in the boat while the coach was watching, and they say my technique is fine when it’s really slow like that. Also when only my bench is pulling the boat and the rate is slow, I do much better, so a large part of my problem is using correct technique at full speed and when there is someone in front of me also paddling. Do you have any tips for how to work on that?

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The gym I used to belong to had a dragon boat team. They all used the rowing machines and said it helped a lot. If you can get access to one, it might give you the extra practice you say you want.
      And BTW dragon boat is on my list for when I have a shorter commute. Joining a gym again too.

  61. Eliasaph*

    I think I found an apartment! Just have to wait on the application processing. Thanks for all your advice a couple weeks ago. It has wood floors, a gas stove, big closets, and its cute too! A friend of my Mom’s lives right near there and says it’s safe.

    I’ve also figured out what makes my gut think an area is safe: big trees. And that’s why I often try not to listen to my gut and use my brain instead.

  62. MOAS*

    Hi guys,
    Any suggestions for comedy specials on Netflix or Hulu that I can listen to? I primarily need something to listen to while I’m cooking, so mostly background noise. I’ve watched/listened to a few (dave chappelle, the guy with the funny puppets that I’m blanking on, bill burr, Gabriel iglesias etc), and while I liked them, a lot of them used gestures or expressions or props that I miss out on while I’m listening only. I’m also open to comedy podcasts even though I’ve never used podcasts. TIA!

    1. googs*

      Nate Bargatze! “The Tennessee Kid” but his older album “Yelled At By a Clown” is on YouTube. Hopefully “Full-Time Magic” is up there as well. He’s more deadpan so a lot is in the delivery. Hannibal Buress is great, “Comedy Camisado” is on Netflix, I think. Also a deadpan, his jokes land without visuals as well. Lil Rel Howery’s laugh is infectious, but he is more visual…RELevent (2015) would be the special on Netflix, I think.

      Tom Segura is great background noise but I don’t think he’s my cup of tea but he’s got the comedian equivalent to a good telephone voice.

    2. Sunflower Sea Star*

      Podcasts would be perfect! Just search for topics you’re interested in. There are comedy ones, informational ones, storytelling ones, advice ones, etc.
      There was even an Ask a Manager podcast for a while, you might be able to still find the archives available if that interests you.
      Some of my favorites:
      The Moth (people telling stories about their lives)
      99% Invisible
      Decoder Ring
      Hidden Brain (hit or miss, but when it’s good, it’s great)
      Sawbones
      This Podcast Will Kill You

    3. Bluebell*

      One comedy podcast that I like to listen to when I cook is “How did this get made?” The cohosts review really over the top or bad movies and it’s very funny (at least to my taste). I’ve listened to episodes where I have seen the movie (Face Off) and others where I haven’t (Serenity- the one w Matthew McConaghey) The hosts are Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael, and Jason Mantzoukas.

    4. Fikly*

      Seconding podcasts! The one I have been laughing to most lately is How Did This Get Made, where they watch (before the podcast) terrible terrible movies and then talk about the insanity on the podcast.

    5. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I can relate to this; I honestly don’t really like podcasts where I learn things, I want to laugh! My ideal media is basically just eavesdropping on a group of friends who all happen to be funny and smart just bullshitting together.

      My favorites in that genre for podcasts are My Brother, My Brother, and Me; Jordan Jesse GO! Judge John Hodgman, and Chapo Trap House. I also watch Outside Xbox and Outside Xtra on Youtube, which are fun if you’re into video games at all (a lot of their vids are really thing to watch, but they have old livestreams that are really fun to have on in the background). Todd In The Shadows is a music reviewing show on Youtube that is fun to watch but only very occasionally has visuals that are important to understanding what’s being talked about, and he’s very funny.

    6. Anon5775*

      Spilled Milk is a food podcast but it’s also very funny. The Basement Yard is also funny. It’s very bro-ey since it’s some 25ish yr old guys and they can get crude, but for some reason I find it super entertaining and I’m a middle aged woman.

    7. MsChanandlerBong*

      If you liked The Office, Angela Kinsey and Jenna Fischer (the actors who played Angela and Pam) just started The Office Ladies Podcast. They are watching all the episodes of the Office and then talking about behind-the-scenes stuff. I am not much of a podcast listener (I have a terrible attention span), but I really like it. Worst Bestsellers is also a good podcast. They read popular books and kind of rag on them a bit. Big Little Lies, Twilight, and Flowers in the Attic are some of the books they’ve covered. Dork Forest by Jackie Kashian is also good.

      In terms of comedy specials, I love John Mulaney and Craig Ferguson, but Ferguson is a very physical comedian, and I think half of John Mulaney’s humor comes from the fact that he looks like he was 40 years old when he was born. So you may not want to just listen to them.

      1. MOAS*

        I love John Mulaney, I think I’ve seen all his specials and watched his show Big Mouth. Him, I can listen to. (Well unless his Dog is featured and I have to see her!)

        1. Bluebell*

          Maybe browse podcasts to see what John Mulvaney has guested on? I know there’s a Terry Gross interview I listened to last year. It was great.

    8. Bumpjumper*

      Comedy albums: Mike Birbiglia and Gary Gulman are the names you want. Humor is subjective but if these two don’t make you laugh, you need to get your funnybone checked. I listened to their albums while painting just about every room in my house, and I laughed like an idiot the whole time.

      1. MOAS*

        I’m def not a comedian snob so open to many lol. Mike birniglia sounda familiar and I’m sure I saw him on tv years ago just can’t remember anything. Will def look those 2 up

    9. Ranon*

      Comedy podcast I didn’t see recommended: The Beef and Dairy Network. Particularly funny if you have any sort of basic understanding of day to day farming but surreal and great regardless.

    10. Garland Not Andrews*

      Chiming in very late but I love the podcast “No Such Thing as a Fish” . It is from the UK TV quiz(?) show QI. Absolutely hysterical and interesting.

  63. Daybed help*

    I need handyman help. I own a three sided wood daybed. My fiance replaced the metal springs part with a sheet of plywood because the metal was shot. I love the new firmness of this and we plan on keeping the daybed in a spare room as a couch/extra guest bed when we marry and move in together. The problem is that the mattress doesn’t stay in place. I toss and turn when I sleep so the mattress moves an inch or two, sometimes more, towards the open side of the bed in the night. I put a rubber mesh thing between the mattress and plywood and it didn’t make a difference. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep the mattress in place?

      1. Enough*

        Or build a lip around the plywood. Maybe an inch or inch and a half. You will want to cover this with material for looks and to reduce wear on the sheets.

    3. Red Sky*

      Lots of velcro tape? Or Heavy Duty rug/carpet tape? Or if you’re handy you can add short wood ‘corners’ to the open side of the bed frame where it meets the head and foot sides essentially bracketing the mattress in place.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      What about carpet tape? It’s double sided, so it sticks to your mattress and the plywood. A thicker type rug pad (the ones that look sort of like gray felt) might also help.

    5. Anono-me*

      I had an antique bed frame that was kind of Frankenstein together. The mattress set sat on top and didn’t always stay where it was supposed to. I got a big old tie-down strap set and strapped the box spring to the bed frame. It really worked well. ( I did get some funny looks when it was time to move though.)

      If you really really don’t do handy projects:

      Tie down straps usually run between $8 to $25. ( Take a look at the weight capabilities and decide how much stress the strap is going to be under when picking one out.) They can be purchased at home improvement centers and at automotive parts stores. Each set of straps is typically two pieces of material similar to what your seatbelt is made out of. Each strap has a hook on one end, and one of the straps has a ratchet on it. I hooked the hooks to each other and wrapped the strap completely around the bed in order to position both the hooks and the ratchet underneath it and then tightened it up.

    6. Daybed help*

      Thank you for the suggestions. I tend to flip my mattress to extend its life so I think the lip or corner suggestions might be the way to go. I also kind of thought that those non slip rubbery things that you put down in a bathtub in the 70’s might help but I don’t think they make those anymore. Thank you all for the help. I appreciate the diversity of thought, I just got stuck in a thought ruck and couldn’t see any other way to do this.

  64. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

    I’m doing some self-directed online learning (LinkedIn Learning/Udemy/Lynda etc.)
    The guy I’m listening to at the moment has really taken the phrase “go ahead and…” to heart and it’s driving me batty! (As in “go ahead and open the file, and go ahead and click save as and go ahead and select desktop….”)
    I was tempted to turn it into a drinking game, but I’m only on Chapter 3 and I’d already be unconscious if I’d actually tried it. (I’m not kidding – I’ve just counted *five* uses of the phrase in just over a minute and a half!)

    So…. what words/phrases drive you batty when you’re trying to concentrate – be it online learning, or tv.
    Go ahead and let me know!

      1. Kuododi*

        There’s the ever popular choice to sprinkle the word “like” generously through every sentence. GACK!!!! Gives me a facial tic from the stress.

    2. Filosofickle*

      “Go ahead and” used in that way is super annoying, I am with you! It’s cousin is “So now we’re going to”.

      The word “actually” grates on me — way overused and has become a filler word.

        1. Filosofickle*

          Yes, using “and” instead of “to” when it should be an infinitive drive me nuts. You’re not “going to try and go”, you’re “going to try to go”.

          It’s not as bad in informal conversation. Language evolves and the point is to communicate, which “try and” does. But when I see it in a book or formal use, I die a little inside. (Even worse? “Could of” in place of could have. )

    3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      “Way more”.
      Drive me absolutely nuts. I hate it. And it seems to be getting increasingly popular.
      Sheesh.

    4. Person from the Resume*

      Our customer/SME ends almost every description of a problem or process with “if you know what I mean.” Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t but I so tired of him using that phrase every time he speaks in a meeting. At least it feels like every time).

      1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

        OMG! There was a game on Whose Line where they used “if you know what I mean” to make an innuendo out of everything! (If you try hard there’s an innuendo in ‘innuendo’ too, if you know what I mean…). I can’t imagine hearing that from a customer and being able to keep a straight face!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Radio commentators who start 80% of their explanations “so, look.”
      Call me crazy but I can’t look when you’re on the radio.

  65. Me*

    Guh, moving on Monday the 4th. I have to be ready to load by 7 am. Blergh. There is a community of Mennonites near where I grew up and my dad lives, and some of them move people (they moved my mum to BiggerCity when she first went there). It’s a long day for them; they have to go to two places and then drive all the way back to Hometown. This week will be all about finishing up packing and I will probably open up some boxes and toss some things I wanted to keep. Although my brother said it wasn’t too much, since he’s offered to store stuff for me, I think I should see if I can reduce it some. That means letting go of more books.

    IT BETTER NOT RAIN!

    Since next Saturday will be busy AF, today was the last day I went to my Buddhist group, and I said goodbye to everyone. I had made a previous joke about buying my favorite of the group’s Mexican cotton blankets because I was “attached”* to it. One of the facilitators, who had bought that particular blanket for the group, gave it to me (I managed not to cry until he did that). Now when I sit, I can cover my knees with it wherever I am and think fondly of my first sangha. :3

    *Buddhist humor, haha

    1. Sometimes Always Never*

      That’s interesting about the Mennonites. Good luck with the move! It’s never fun or easy, that’s for sure. But it does end ;)

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      We have a theory that the process of moving is so horrendous that you are glad to get to where you are going even if you didn’t want to move! We have been mentally exhausted from just watching movers pack up our possessions. You will get thru this! It seems like it has been a long time coming; hang in there and good luck. (Also NO RAIN.)

    3. ThatGirl*

      Out of sheer curiosity, what area did you grow up in? Ok if you don’t want to say but I’m a Mennonite pk and there are soo many little subgroups. So I’m always interested. :)

    4. Breast Solidarity*

      May you find a lovely sangha where you land.

      Theravadan tribe-member is sending you metta for your move!

      1. Me*

        Thanks; I hope this is just a (short) step to the right place, because I don’t think BiggerCity is it either.
        Metta right back at you!

  66. MechanicalPencil*

    I have a cat question and feel this is the right place to ask.

    There is a neighborhood stray cat. For Reasons, I cannot permanently take the cat in. I might try asking the shelter I volunteer with if they can take her in, but that’s a bit more fraught (they’re under construction, so space is tight and I don’t want her to end up at a kill shelter).

    Until then, I know one of my neighbors is feeding her, and she seems like she’s fairly clean and so forth. My concern is her staying warm enough as the weather is getting cooler.

    I looked at how to make a cat box online, but most of those seemed more into the cutesy decorative and less practical. Does anyone have any guidance or suggestions? I’m more a dog person and feel a bit out of my depth here.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      I searched feral cat winter shelter and found some good DIY options. I’ll post a link in a reply.

    3. Bea*

      Do a google search for “winter shelter feral cats” and you will see multiple suggestions. Hubs and I tend to 6 neighborhood cats that we’ve TNRed. We bought 4 storage tubs, lined them with styrofoam cut to size from sheets, inserted smaller tubs, cut matching sized doors in each, and put straw inside. Make sure the doors are small. They are easy to take apart to change the straw. We keep them in the backyard. The cats will curl up one or two per box.

      For an emergency you can wrap a cardboard box in plastic, tape well, cut a small door, and place in a spot where it’s not windy.

    5. MechanicalPencil*

      Well I’m an idiot. I should have put feral cat in my search terms. I knew I was overlooking something obvious! Y’all have been super helpful, and this is something I can work on very easily. Our weather tends to be a roller coaster ride, but I’d feel better if the kitty had a safe place to at least ride out some of our crazy cold fronts.

      1. Venus*

        I live in a very cold part of the world and we build shelters the way that Bea describes. The absolute critical part is straw. It wicks away water (melted snow from cat’s fur) unlike anything else.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        Is Gallico a tribute to the book “The Silent Meow”?
        Owned by Django and Silhouette here

    4. The Francher Kid*

      Tabitha, Serena, Serafina, Rocket, Pippin. Basically we are servants in a temple of Bast, LOL.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Since you asked…Leo, Marty, Tiffany, Arlo, Emily, Max, Bailey, Oscar, Leia, Roscoe, and Louise.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, and the two barn cats we took in: Toby and Tessa. And I discovered there’s another cat living in the hay loft, which we don’t use. He went tearing out of the barn when we went in to feed the Toby and Tessa. Not sure where he came from, but I’ve been him around from time to time the last few years. Guess I know where he lives now.

    6. Randomity*

      Mine is called Shaw after my fave character in Person of Interest. No one I know watched it though so the only person who gets the reference is my ex :(

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Love POI. Love Shaw. Naming your cat after a sociopathic (diagnosed not pejorative) assassin is pretty damn perfect, IMO.

    13. Ginger Sheep*

      Titus (house cat) and Kiwi (barn cat). And though these are French cats, their names work just as well in English!
      Before those I had Findus, Darwin and Globule (love of my life).

    14. Christy*

      Cat 1 (known as Cat) and Cat 2 (known as Twoey). Cat became Cat 1 when we adopted Twoey—it’s like she became a Sr.

      Cat became Cat by accident—we had an actual name for her but we never used it. We just kept calling her Cat, and it stuck.

    15. Bilateralrope*

      Grumblefluff.

      This is the cat that showed up on the site I’m a security guard at and decided that she lives here now. It seems like she’s complaining any time we let her into the guard hut. Now that the weather is warming up, she’s also complaining that I dont have the heater on when she wants to sleep in front of it.

    17. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband has Princess Kiara Scaredyfluff the Dark and Captain Kyna Whitepaws, SCOURGE OF LAND AND SEA.

    19. Merci Dee*

      Billy.

      We got him from the local shelter when he was about 10 months old. He’d been owned by a previous family with small children (according to the shelter staff, the family had to surrender him when the dad lost his job as part of the continuing fallout from the great recession), and the kids picked out his name. I thought about changing his name to something else, but the kids had absolutely loved him and were heartbroken when they had to give him up. It seemed fitting to keep the name they put so much thought and love into. And, I dunno …. he just seems like a Billy.

    21. Doctor is In*

      Lovey and Romeo. They were Barn Cat A and Barn Cat B till we decided to let them in the house.

    22. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Arwen (yes, from Lord of the Rings).

      Also fostering Auburn, I did not name him and if he didn’t answer to it I’d change it. But he does.

  68. Navigating testing*

    My son’s school has suggested we have a psycho-educational evaluation done for him to determine if he may be either high-functioning autistic, gifted or both.

    He is not struggling academically at all, he is a good writer, above grade level reader and speller, does well in math but has a few behavioral “quirks” that can make it more difficult when dealing with him. He can get very fixated on “the rules” which can make it difficult for him to move forward (PE class for example is challenging because he must really understand All.The.Rules before beginning). When someone “breaks the rules” or if he’s stuck on some explanation and can’t seem to move forward, he can get very upset and have an outburst. Not rolling on the ground tantrum or anything but upset, loud voice, and it can be disruptive to the rest of the class.

    He goes to a private school, and they are very focused on the kids and work with him when these situations arise but had thought it might be helpful for us to understand if he may fall into one of these categories to help him advocate for himself, especially when he enters middle school. In middle school I am not clear if he’ll have the same level of teacher support as more is expected of the kids.

    My insurance does not cover psycho-educational testing. When I called a center that does this kind of testing they explained they would actually do either an ASD evaluation or a gifted evaluation, so check if my insurance covers one of these. My insurance does cover ASD testing, and gave me the names of doctors in our network who are largely affiliated with 3 providers in the area. I looked into one of the providers and it clearly focused on children with more severe forms of autism than my son may have. The other 2 I am not clear on yet.

    I’m a bit confused on how to best navigate this for my son. So I guess I’m looking for any advice from people who may have done similar testing for their children. Has anyone done evaluations for their child who they suspected was high functioning autistic? Is there any terminology I should use when discussing testing with doctors? Any tips for navigating insurance? Was it actually helpful for your child?

    I would just like to give whatever support to my child I can. If we do some testing, I want to make sure it’s the right kind and will actually provide us with answers and techniques that will help him in the long-run. Thanks in advance.

    1. Toast*

      I can’t comment on testing but as someone who was highly gifted, I appreciate that you are looking out for your son and his wellbeing. A lot of people deem them as a “problem child” and even if you do get testing done for his benefit, sometimes even the professionals you work with will tell you how to “deal with his behavior” rather than support him. It can be frustrating for parents and teachers, but it’s even more frustrating for the kid. I would constantly get in trouble from my teachers for finishing my work in 10 minutes that was supposed to take an hour. Teachers would get frustrated at me because they didn’t have anything else to give me to do, or they’d think I was lying to them, etc.

      One thing you can do is talk to him how he’s feeling. Is he bored? Are people being mean to him? What does he think would make school better? If he has a problem to solve– and actually had him thinking about it, you might find a better solution. And it might take a few days or more for him to think about it if he’s never been asked before. (Especially if he’s internalized himself as the problem.)

      Nobody asked me when I was in elementary school what my opinion was or what I think would improve my experience. I might’ve asked to skip grades if I was asked, but I wasn’t. I did eventually go to a magnet school, but even then it was very easy and I was generally #1 in my class. I mentioned it was too easy and my family seemed irritated they spent all this time transferring schools (literally down the street).

      I remember testing at an 8th grade reading level for 3 years in a row in elementary school, and it was just like, “OK, she’s doing good.” Nobody ever thought to actually do anything about it. I internalized being smart as somehow my fault.

      So, again, good on you for asking the question and supporting your son. In my experience there’s a lot of support for people who are behind, and talking about problems with being gifted gives you some sort of “humble brag” badge. I try not to bring it up.

      1. Navigating testing*

        I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulties that you had as a kid, and that’s exactly the type of situation we would like to avoid for our son. So I appreciate your comment! My husband and I were reflecting the other day that we feel fortunate that my son goes to the school he does, because at another school he very well could have been labeled as a problem child given his outbursts. Luckily his teachers recognize this is just part of him that they need to support and are trying to suggest other support we can give him.

        I like your suggestion of talking with him too, and will think on this. While my son can be very chatty on certain topics – school is one that he is less willing to share about. It’s always been that way (even when he was 3 or 4) and I’ve never gotten the sense that it’s because he’s unhappy but I often have to ask multiple times, in different ways over a period of time to figure out what happens in school. So I’ll have to think about how I may best talk to him about this and actually get an answer.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I believe that your local public school system is required by law to provide certain kinds of testing if you reasonably request them, but I’m not sure which. You don’t have to be an enrolled student to qualify.

      1. Navigating testing*

        Oh, this is interesting. I’ll try calling our local public elementary school and see if they are able to support this in any way.

        1. Quandong*

          You may be able to find out online by researching ‘education law’ in your state. Also, I suggest searching for parent groups who advocate for children & education in your area: they may be an excellent resource for you.

        2. Neef*

          School psychologist here and can attest that in the US it is the district’s responsibility to identify students w/disabilities, via the Child Find law, and pay for testing re suspected disability. If you disagree with findings you can request a private eval be conducted and considered by your district psychologist.

        3. 00ff00Claire*

          You might want to start with your school system’s district office instead of the local school. Since your son doesn’t attend that school, they would probably refer you to the school district office. Or go back to your son’s school and have them contact the school district and coordinate with them. They should be able to do this, but maybe they never have before?

          Other resources you could look into include the Autism Society of America (your state may have a chapter), local or state universities, and the medical route. The Autism Society doesn’t do testing themselves, but should have resources to point you towards who does. If you have a state university with an education or psychology department relatively close by, look into their resources. Some will have programs or centers that provide services (and also do research). Many of these have clinics that provide assessments and I believe they are usually at no cost, but I may be wrong. Finally, it’s not clear if you’ve discussed this with his pediatrician but they should be able to do referrals to a developmental pediatrician or a psychologist. You stated your insurance won’t cover psycho-educational testing, so maybe you have already gone to your doctor. If you have just asked them only about testing, maybe go back and ask for a referral. Most states require insurance to cover diagnosis of developmental disabilities, especially autism.

          My advice would be to make sure where-ever you get evaluations done, that a broad enough evaluation is completed to get an accurate picture of your son. Especially when children exhibit behaviors that are challenging in the education setting, autism is what comes to mind first, but that may just be because people are more aware of it now (which is generally a good thing!!!). So make sure the evaluations are not focusing too narrowly. You may find you need to get evaluations for multiple places (such as public school + a private provider) to get the best picture. Just be prepared to be patient. Depending on where you go, you might encounter a waiting list or a lengthy process.

          It sounds like your son has a very supportive school and teachers who are willing to work with him whether he has an official “diagnosis” or not. That will be such a help to him, regardless of what you find out from the evaluations. And you working with his school and pursuing resources for him outside of school will benefit him in the long run, so good for both the school and you for recognizing that his needs might change as he gets older and being proactive to support his future self as well as his current self!

        4. Navigating testing*

          Thanks for all of these suggestions! This is super helpful, and I’ll spend some time doing some more research on the internet. I’ve done some earlier, but I think using some of these terms, laws, and society names will help me be a bit more productive in finding the right kind of information. I’ll then contact the school district office (or have my son’s school help us do this) and see if we are able to get some support and then go from there.

    3. Toast*

      Oh — there are a lot of books on this, but again, more about “dealing with your problem child” rather than supporting him, so just be careful with that. If you can’t see a therapist right away, sometimes reading is the way to go.

    4. Jules the First*

      So when I was a kid, I was fairly similar to your son – good with rules, reading well above grade level, difficulty with emotional regulation. The school did a giftedness evaluation, looked at the numbers that came back, and suddenly I was spending three mornings a week one on one with the school’s resource psychologist. He was amazing. We read, we talked, we did activities (my fine motor coordination is poor), but most importantly he taught me how to parse other people’s behaviours to figure out how to respond appropriately. He also gave me a range of tools for regulating my own emotions which are now (30 odd years later) so deeply embedded in my psyche that I’m not sure I could tell you what they are. This is not to say I’m perfect, or normal, but the tools he gave me have made my life infinitely easier, which has left me passionate about the importance of intervening early to equip neurodiverse kids with the right tools to make their social lives easier.

      When you talk to the testing center, make sure you flag the fact that the school recommended both and ASD text and a giftedness test…they should be able to then select a testing protocol that will allow them to advise you one way or another on both questions, even if your insurance only pays for one.

      1. Navigating testing*

        Thanks – this is really encouraging to hear. Something like this would be a great outcome for us. I’ll be sure to mention the recommendation for both tests.

    5. LGC*

      From what it sounds like, you might want to look at centers/programs that specialize in Asperger’s/ASD Level 1 services. I think a lot of centers will use ASD Level 1 nowadays, since that’s the current diagnostic term. Some might still use the older Asperger’s name, since that’s more familiar to the general public.

      (Like, you’ll be able to navigate doctors fine just using the more common terms such as “Asperger’s” and “high-functioning autism.” This is more to help you find services and specialists.)

      Without knowing much about your son other than what you’ve posted, I don’t know what else might come into play. I think that part of it is looking at your son and figuring out what he really needs – which might be therapy, which might be allowances at school, and which will probably be a mixture of those.

      1. Navigating testing*

        Thanks, I was not aware of the terminology ASD level 1. I knew of Aspergers but had heard the term was not really being used any more but it’s good to know that some places may still use this given it’s a term people are familiar with.

        I think his school will be happy to support any allowances he may need (they pretty much already are, just maybe in a less “official” way?). And we’re happy to support anything else he might need (whether it might be therapy, something else, or even nothing if that’s the outcome). He’s our only child, and I think we kind of assumed he would grow out of some of these behaviors, but it seems that he might need more beyond that.

    6. C Average*

      Thank you for investigating these things with your son.

      I was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (nonverbal learning disorder) in my 40s, when I began having difficulty performing in a new role at work. (I was newly married and having difficulty performing in that role, too.) The diagnosis explained SO MUCH, from my difficulties navigating social situations to my anxiety about merging onto freeways (depth perception issues). I did a lot of reading and was able to manage situations and relationships much more effectively once I understood my vulnerabilities and deficiencies. I was also better able to advocate for my fairly modest needs with friends, family, and colleagues.

      Regardless of what you find, you’ve signaling to your son that it’s worth getting to know your own mind and how it works, and That you’re supportive of him in this endeavor. It would have meant volumes to me if my parents had done something like this for me.

      1. Navigating testing*

        Thanks for sharing this. I’m so glad to hear that having a diagnosis, even later in life, has been helpful. That is encouraging to hear, as one thing we worried about was him being “labeled” – whether it be autistic, or gifted. But in the end it looks like a diagnosis and then possibly therapy/tools will greatly outweigh this, and what he decides to share with others is up to him as he gets older.

        I think when we were younger (I’m currently in my late 40’s) there was a lot less awareness about autism and neuro-diversity. Maybe this sounds dumb, but I don’t think I really knew much about autism until the movie Rain Man came out and I think for a long time this narrow definition was what a lot of people thought autism was. I’m glad that there’s now a lot more awareness and help available to people to help them find the tools to manage situations better. Hopefully we can find something helpful for our son.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      Regarding the gifted part of the picture, Mensa has a serious interest in gifted children’s issues. It’s natural enough, when you consider anyone qualified for Mensa was a gifted child.

      For starters, there are qualifying tests available very reasonably which are basically IQ tests. (Yes, there’s other aspects to giftedness besides IQ, but it’s a place to start.) There are also a lot of materials available for dealing with gifted children — in the sense of challenging them intellectually rather than making them act more “normal” — and helping them learn to cope with a society that isn’t geared for them.

      If your child does qualify for membership, there are gifted children’s groups within Mensa with age-appropriate activities. These are valuable as much for the opportunity to interact with their peers as for the specific activities. Being significantly more intelligent than one’s classmates can be very isolating for a child. Mind, the groups tend to be more active in high population density areas, but there are online aspects as well.

      From observation, Mensa does seem to have an above average incidence of Aspies* or socially inept individuals (not asking which). This can be helpful and feel supporting, too.

      Good luck to you and your child!

      * “Aspie” is a term many of them use themselves, so don’t yell at me about it, thank you very much.

      1. Navigating testing*

        Thanks – it hadn’t occurred to me to look into Mensa at all. This is an interesting angle, and I’ll explore this a bit.

  69. Beatrice*

    It’s Saturday evening, I’ve had an extremely stressful week, my husband agreed to take our son (13) out of the house for the evening for a board game night with my in-laws so I could recharge with some quiet time with the house to myself, and…my son doesn’t want to go. He’s insisting on staying home, and wants mother-son time instead. So now instead of having a quiet evening alone, I have to negotiate a teen-friendly activity for two and an actual dinner plan. My original plan was to take an long hot bath, watch something scandalous on Netflix, eat junk food, and possibly get tipsy, in no particular order. (It definitely did not involve pants or a bra.) My son is being contrary, my husband made guilty faces and pretended to try to convince him to go, but is completely fine with going to the board game night alone and has a long long history of planning “father-son” activities that revolve around his own interests with no attempt to actually engage our son, and then skipping off to do the things he enjoys and leaving me to solo parent when it…oops…aw shucks…doesn’t work out. My son is in this phase where, if he feels like something should be his decision and he gets a clear indicator that you would prefer a certain outcome, he’s *definitely* doing the opposite thing. I am disappointed and feeling like a terrible parent for being resentful with both of them over this change in plans. Grrr.

    1. Filosofickle*

      Oof, that sucks.

      Assuming there’s no way to insist your son go anyway, is there no way your son can stay home without you having to plan an activity/food? Like, he can stay home but he has to entertain himself while you have a glass of wine & netflix in the bath? Order in a pizza, or he fixes himself a sandwich or bowl of cereal?

      Wishing you sanity and relaxation tonight.

      1. valentine*

        Kick them both out and have your night.

        In addition to possible marital counseling and a parenting class for hubs, what about finding a mentor or signing your kid up for Big Brothers/Big Sisters or the like? Basically, giving your kid another caring adult. He’s got to feel rejected and to know his dad’s happy to thwart your plans or at least to see them ruined.

        Hubs should have your back here. He could insist they are going out, specifically to give you time alone, and let kid pick the activity, but it has to occur at least a mile away and no making you feel guilty about something that should be standard.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Your son is old enough to know that you love him, AND that there are times when you don’t want to hang out with him. (I’m sure he feels that way about you sometimes.) He doesn’t get an indentured play-date just because he chooses not to go to Grandma’s house.

      I would be very honest with my son. If a wee little bit of annoyance shows, so much the better. He knows you want alone time and he’s at best ignoring that and at worst purposely overruling it. “Son, tonight is my Alone Night. You can go to Grandma’s, you can make plans to go to a friend’s house, or you can entertain yourself at home. I am not playing Chutes and Ladders with you all night. If you decide to stay home, I will be in the bedroom with a bottle of wine and my laptop. I do not expect to be interrupted unless you are bleeding or the house is on fire.”

      Seriously. What you’re describing is a pretty short path to those annoying guys who pester women to interact in ways that they don’t want to.

      I understand your frustration with your husband, but in this case I’d start with the kid.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Another option is to tell Husband that if Kid doesn’t go, he can’t go either. Let him stay home and play board games with your son all night.

        You can lock yourself in the bedroom, or take yourself out for a nice dinner with your favorite book.

    3. Sunflower Sea Star*

      DO NOT reward your son’s behavior by making him a nice meal and planning an activity. It will just encourage more of this kind of behavior.

      2. Close Bracket*

        Encourage him to want mother-son activities? Actually, it will probably encourage the exact opposite, which is not a great outcome. Instead of bring down a hammer in these situations, why not think about what’s underlying the behavior and addressing the root cause constructively?

    4. Anon Here*

      Watch Netflix and eat junk food with him? Then give him some alone time while you have your own alone time?

      Honestly, his behavior doesn’t sound that bad. It sounds more like your husband is the problem and your son is just reacting. He can probably tell his dad isn’t enthusiastic about the activity, that something seems off, and since he doesn’t know what to say about that, he’s just opting out. “Dad’s being weird. I don’t want to be around him. Mom’s being nicer.” Maybe he even wants mother-son time so he can open up about how his dad is being weird. Maybe there’a something else he wants to talk about.

      I think you should hang out with him and see what’s up. But also take care of yourself.

    5. Nacho*

      Might be a little late for this advice now, but I feel like 13 is old enough for your son to be told that mommy needs some alone time every once in a while and part of being a good son it to give it to her.

    6. Person from the Resume*

      Does your kid really want mom-son time or is it preferable to game night at grandmother’s?

      Basically though if you had dinner plans or tickets with friends, I assume you’d say “no.” You can choose to prioritize your alone time, recharging and tell your teen that it’s possible for him to stay or maybe you both stay home but you guys stay in your own rooms because you need to do other things alone.

    7. Nita*

      Been there. It’s pretty awful. When it happened I just did what the kid wanted, because negotiating with them so they’d leave/making them leave felt even more stressful then knuckling under. In hindsight, should have discussed the possibility with my husband in advance and made a backup plan where he stays home, and I step out for an hour or two somewhere quiet (a park, a cafe, whatever). You’re only human. I get feeling guilty about needing time away from your child, but you spend a lot of time taking care of them. You’re not really letting them down if you take a fraction of that time to take care of yourself.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Teenagers are amazingly like toddlers in a lot of ways, including sometimes needing to be super close and then sometimes needing to be far away. And they’re also like toddlers in that their own immediate concerns seem to trump anyone else’s.

        I’ll bet you didn’t play with your toddler Every. Single. Time he wanted you to. And you didn’t stay home just because he cried when the sitter came. If Beatrice’s 3 year old was able to tolerate her not dropping everything just because he wanted attention, surely her 13 year old can also tolerate it.

    8. Beatrice*

      Thanks, all!

      My son wound up staying home and we wound up doing something that wasn’t my choice, but definitely wasn’t his either. I deliberately made sure he had an okay time, but not a great time.

      I still need to talk to my husband about it…I was half asleep when he came home last night and he’s off on his own again this morning. I think I’m going to plan do to more relaxing outside of the house in the future – the problem point is always when I’m staying home. And yep, Not A Manager, I think the new rule needs to be that hubs is responsible for our son when I have scheduled me time – if he can’t talk him into the planned activity, then he needs to find something else to do with him. If he winds up disappointing family members or friends by bailing, then that’s up to him to navigate.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. Husband’s night to look after the kid = husband’s night. Not “husband suggests one thing, then shrugs and goes off to leave you looking after the kid night.”

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Yeah, when I was a kid my mom insisted that my dad and I had certain specific, scheduled times set aside for the two of us to Go Somewhere and Do Something. She did not care what, and she dd not care where, but it needed to be not in the house and both of us together. This was both because she needed some time by herself and because she wanted to make sure that dad and I spent time together. It was one specific evening a week and possibly also certain weekends within a month, almost like a custody agreement between divorced parents.

        I remember that dad and I quickly figured out that Skippers had a cheap all-you-can-eat special on that particular night so we went out to Skippers a LOT for a while. This wasn’t particularly what mom had in mind (she wanted us to actually go somewhere that took a while rather than spend an hour overeating on fried fast food fish and come home right after a quick dinner), so if you go this route be specific that it should be for at least x hours or similar. I think dad saw it as “mom is not in charge of dinner on Tuesdays” and mom saw it as “mom is not in charge of other human beings on Tuesdays”, so being specific would be important. Thirteen is a tough age to start this because your kid probably isn’t particularly excited about going places with parents so you can’t just have “Wednesday night is when dad takes you bowling” or something be an easy sell, but if it’s what you need you can hopefully make it stick anyway.

  70. Lauren*

    I’m looking to move out on my own, but am new to renting. How do you go about renting an apartment or townhome? I find some online, but no one ever responds to my request. Do you get a realtor? How does this work? Thanks in advance.

    1. Eliasaph*

      Hi! I am just going through this as well. I applied for a place yesterday, actually. Hopefully it pans out. I got some great advice on the open thread two weeks ago on what to look for in an apartment if you want to check that out. I was mostly looking though Zillow so I tried the ‘contact’ option through their website, but didn’t have very many people contact me back. Calling or texting worked better, though I still had a pretty low success rate. One time I called 9 people, one of whom answered and the other eight I left messages. One called me back. Ugh. If you find the magic trick, let me know cause I am curious. I’m going to try calling AND texting if I have to keep looking. I would suggest picking out a bunch to call so that at least some are possibilities.

      I didn’t use a realtor. I think they are common in some places and maybe for more high budget apartments. I’m definitely more in the bottom range.

      When I got ahold of someone, I set up an appointment to view the place. I understand you are supposed to ask them questions on the phone, but I wanted to see apartments so that I could compare and learn what I wanted. Maybe if I had a dealbreaker that I couldn’t tell from the online listing. They seem to prefer viewings during business hours (of course!) but open to night or weekends if necessary.

      Viewing an apartment takes maybe 30 min. There are lists online of things to check out. I read them and found them helpful but just ended up making notes on regular paper. I saw 5 places and applied for the 5th.

      My mom said that back before the internet, you would just drop in at an apartment complex office that had a ‘apartments available’ sign up and see if someone could show you the place. Most of my options were in small places without offices, so that wasn’t an option. I might have given it a go though, if nobody kept returning my phone calls!

    2. Anon Here*

      There are a lot of ways to do it. You can use a realtor. You might get a good apartment that way, but a lot of them charge a fee and ask for a lot of info during the application process. Same with property management companies. You can also try Craigslist. And you can walk around in your desired neighborhood and look for “For Rent” signs. If you’re interested in large buildings/complexes with leasing offices, you can just drop in during business hours and ask for a tour.

    3. Red Sky*

      Whether you need an apartment locator/realtor really depends on where you live. Where I currently live it’s next to impossible to find a decent rental without one, but when I lived in CA it wasn’t really a thing. Try googling your city + apartment locator to see if it’s common practice. If it is a realtor wont cost you anything, they receive a commission from the landlord/property owner when you sign a lease. If there’s an apartment complex you’re interested in it’s ok to drop in to their on-site leasing office to see if they have anything available. You can also search Zillow, ApartmentFinder etc.

      When you do find a place, expect to have to fill out an application and they’ll run a credit check on you and verify your employment and income. Lessors generally want your income to be at least 3x the monthly rent. Depending on your state’s regulations you may have to pay first and last month’s rent plus a security deposit. You’ll get all or part of your security deposit back when you move out depending on what condition you leave the apartment in. Since you have no rental history and if you’re young some places may ask for a cosigner on the lease.

    4. Sometimes Always Never*

      I got my favorite apartment by focusing on a neighborhood, near public transportation, and just walking around looking for “for rent” signs. I got the top floor of a two-flat with great landlords and only left when I was ready to buy a house. As an introvert, I wasn’t sure I would like the much less anonymous feel of a two-flat versus a 50 unit building, but it was great. I was on a month-to-month lease, which initially made me nervous because I was used to the yearly leases, but that also worked out when I bought a house, since I was able to give only a month’s notice based on my house closing date. I think the landlords chose a month-to-month lease because of prior bad tenants, and they wanted to be able to end a lease more easily.

    5. HBJ*

      We’ve rented four different places – houses, duplexes, and apartments. One was managed by a management company; the rest were managed by the owner. All of them were found through Craigslist. We have contacted people through Facebook as well, but none of those were ones we ended up renting. We’ve actually had fewer options overall, a much worse response rate overall, and a much higher rate of people responding, “oh, it’s already rented, I forgot to take it down,” via Facebook. I much prefer Craigslist. Yea, some people haven’t responded, but it’s never been a big deal. We always were calling on multiple places and not getting dead set on one place we had to have.

      We contact the people however they specify in the ad (text, call, email) and ultimately end up on the phone to set up a time to see the place. There has always been some sort of application. How much detail needed varies. We in general try to avoid management companies. They just tend to be pickier and make a big deal of little things and want pages and pages of information. No, there is absolutely no reason you need to know my bank account number. And they seem to just not care as much about the place. The one place we rented through a management company, the contractor they hired to take care of an issue did a horrible job we found out soon afterward, and we ended up just taking care of it ourselves (it was an easy fix that did not cost us anything) rather than bug them and wait again. The previous tenant had been evicted, and it became obvious once we were actually living there that they had done the absolute bare minimum in cleaning it before we moved in, but of course, had a detailed checklist of all the stuff we needed to clean when we moved out. We found so much dog hair doing just regular cleaning. We did not have a pet. So yea, I’d recommend against a management company.

  72. Agent Smith*

    I’m trying to take responsibility for myself more, but my brain keeps arguing with myself. I tell myself that how I treated someone was wrong, what I said was unkind, and it’s my fault if I hurt someone. Instead of owning up to it, I just feel depressed and try to blame the world for my problems. Any advice on how to stop the self-arguing?

    1. Not A Manager*

      When you were young, did anyone ever model to you that it’s okay to be in the wrong? If not, it’s hard to trust that you can *admit* an error or even wrongdoing, and that someone can accept your apology, and that it doesn’t destroy the relationship or make you a lesser person.

      If you have a close friend or a partner, maybe ask them to help you role-play within your own lives. Make a conscious effort to articulate even small failings, and to apologize for them. (I’m not talking about groveling, or apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. I mean something like, “Oh, I used the last of the milk and didn’t get more. I’m sorry!” Even better is “I’m sorry that you didn’t have milk at breakfast because I forgot.”)

      Ask them in advance to try to be gentle in accepting your apology. Later you can move on to “yes, that annoyed me because I couldn’t take my meds without milk,” but for right now, ask them to try to stick to something more like, “that’s okay, we all forget sometimes.”

      Take a minute after these interactions to really think about what you were feeling. Did it feel shameful to acknowledge that you’d messed up? Did it feel silly? What did you expect the other person to say or do? If you’d followed your own instinct, what would it have been?

      Learning to take responsibility for your own behavior is a habit like any other one, and like learning a new habit, you need a conducive environment. If you’re hanging out with super critical people who will hold minor errors against you, then you won’t be able to learn any better. And like learning any habit, it takes small steps and repetition.

      1. Agent Smith*

        Yeah — Everything was my wrongdoing. Like if someone was hitting me and I yelled, I would get in trouble for yelling. I make an effort to be 100% on time and when I’m a few minutes late I apologize.

        I guess it’s more like… even coming up with examples. Like I frame everything like I had nothing to do with it. Like, OK, the other day, my friend gets mad at me because I want french fries. He’s on a diet and is annoyed, so I tell him he can’t have any french fries. Then he threatens to call me by my dead name, which is totally unacceptable.

        See, even there it’s like — I come up with this example that’s like, “SEE IT’S NOT MY FAULT,” but then it’s like, well, what did I do? If you were to ask his side of the story, maybe that’s not what happened at all.

        Or even something like… I didn’t go on a date until I was 22, and everyone was like, “OMGggggg but you’re so pretty! Not possible!” And like, I had to realize: OK, this is my fault. I have to find someone to date who is willing to go out with me. And it was only after I realized that no one was ever going to decide I was great and ask me out that I found someone who would be willing to hook up with me. And even in my retelling of the story, it’s like, “Oh woe is meeeeee it’s not my fault,” but clearly, it was. I was obviously a jerk or unlikable for whatever reason and waiting around for the world to change did not work.

        I’ve been making a conscious effort to put myself down, because if I’m too happy and confident, I can’t get a job, and I am desperate right now. Again — my wording begs for empathy. Ugh. See? I don’t mean to do it. I just keep telling myself I deserve to feel depressed and I need to keep the friends I have no matter what they do because otherwise I’m totally screwed.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Hmmm. Probably Alison’s board isn’t really the best place to get into all of it, but I’m very troubled by how you’re framing this. “Taking responsibility” and “beating yourself up” are completely different things. I’m seeing a bit of magical thinking in your post, like “if I let my guard down and feel good about myself at all, bad things are going to happen.”

          Have you ever considered speaking to a counselor or therapist about any of these issues? There are ways to be proactive and take ownership of your experience, without holding yourself existentially responsible for every bad thing that happens to you.

      2. Agent Smith*

        To answer your question, no. No one ever apologized to me growing up. They apologized to the dog more than me.

      3. Agent Smith*

        I re-read what you said because I realized even my comments were defensive. You’re right. I feel like when I’m wrong at one thing then the whole relationship is ruined. It doesn’t feel like it’s ok to be wrong, ever. One false move and I’m homeless, jobless, or friendless. Maybe it’s ok to be wrong sometimes.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I posted a reply before I saw your follow-up comments, but I think it’s in moderation. I can feel your pain and confusion through my laptop screen. I’m so sorry that you were raised this way. What happened to you was not okay.

          I don’t think you are going to make things easier for yourself right now by focusing on “responsibility” in the way that I think you mean it. I think that to you, “responsibility” means being very, very critical of yourself. I hope that you are able to find good IRL support in untangling all of this.

          In the meantime, can I suggest that you move away from “responsibility,” “fault,” and other value-laden words? Can you just try to describe the situation, including people’s feelings, without any judgment at all? “My friend was upset because I was eating fries when he couldn’t have any.” Period. It doesn’t have to be because you were mean or because he was unreasonable. It’s just a fact. He was upset.

          Maybe if you’re able to name people’s emotions without trying to decide if the person is “allowed” to have those feelings, you can have more compassion toward them. In this case, I’m hoping that the emotions you can name are your own, and the person you can extend some compassion to is yourself. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

          1. Agent Smith*

            That’s a good technique to try. I definitely do want to see a counselor but can’t afford it right now. Thank you for the idea.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      FWIW, I think the world is responsible for most of our problems.
      However, we can control our reactions to what happens. And that is the part to aim for and the part to own.

      It’s not my fault if the brakes fail on my car and I hit someone. (I get my car checked regularly, but that Someone has no way of knowing that. I am a random person in their eyes.) I can still extend my regrets for their injury/damage in this accident. I can say, “I feel very badly about this.”

      There’s several things here.
      1) If a person is not apologized to, then it is very difficult to apologize to someone else. We have to see it role modeled, usually when we are young.
      2) If a person has apologized in the past and was smacked down for the apology then a person might have problems realizing that many people WILL indeed accept apologies from others. We have to kind of “force” ourselves to give people a chance to do the adult thing.
      3) It’s a very helpful activity to vow not to make that same mistake again whenever possible. Committing to doing better in the future can help straighten out muddied thoughts about life in general.
      4) I had difficulty with apologies for the reasons listed here. In short I thought I was letting go of pieces of myself and there was not much of me left to let go of. What I found helpful was to apologize immediately and not allow myself time to overthink this stuff. And I got a little surprise. Most people just accepted my apology. Where I thought I was losing yet more pieces of myself, I ended up finding parts me that I did not realize where there. And I thought so this is how other people are able to do this, they understand that they will grow because of their ownership and apology. If we have not seen this before, then yes, it’s very hard. But it’s not impossible to work through.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I also used to have trouble, not so much with apologies, but with ever admitting that I’d done anything wrong or made a mistake. I hope I wasn’t completely bananapants about it, but I would definitely argue and get defensive if I thought someone was angry at me, or critical, or hurt. There are complicated (or maybe really simple) reasons from my childhood why that was so, but for me the key was (a) finding people who were more forgiving than my family of origin and (b) learning to trust that.

        Once I had practice being in the wrong in a safe environment, I found it quite easy to extend that to strangers and bosses and acquaintances. More importantly, I also learned to take internal responsibility for my actions, and not tell myself stories about why I wasn’t responsible for my own situation. Previously, it had been very hard to say, “I wound up here because I made a MISTAKE,” and so I didn’t learn as well from my mistakes.

        1. Agent Smith*

          Yes I have trouble saying this happened because I made a mistake. Sometimes it feels like it just happened — like I didn’t even realize I was actively doing anything or had a choice.

      2. Agent Smith*

        Isn’t part of taking responsibility feeling bad though? I try to remind myself I failed long after so I don’t make the same mistake again.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Do you remind yourself that you failed? OR do you remind yourself that you had decided to handle Thing in the New Way.
          There’s a huge difference between the two.
          Let’s say we are talking together and I step on your toe as we walk.
          I can do:
          My Old Way. Die a thousand deaths and try to crawl under the carpet.
          Or I can chose My New Way I decided to use when I bump someone. [Insert new method here such as apologize immediately and ask if you are okay.]

          When you think about your mess ups try to develop a new go-to plan for recurring things such as bumping people. Hey, it happens, so I figured out what my go-to would be for that. And I did say it out loud a few times to get used to the sound of my own voice expressing these thoughts.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Hi, Agent Smith. I hope you read this even though it’s super late on the thread.

      I was looking at Captain Awkward today, and she said this:

      Good thing I have a vivid imagination [when invited to “take responsibility” for bad experiences], right? “Feel bad? Let’s get to the bottom of how you could have avoided this and what steps you could take to avoid it in the future, then you’ll be happy and have gained knowledge!” My Absolute Jerklord Of A Brain: “Let’s generate increasingly elaborate scenarios for how everything is always our fault!”

      …

      The insidious thing is, looking at a rough situation and being honest about our own contributions to it and figuring out what we can actually control is an important and useful life skill. Just, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of self-blame=>what is the self-improvement lifehack=>it’s not working=>what if I tried harder tho=>still not working=>guess the problem is me?=>repeat=>but what if I did it perfectly this time?=>ok but what if I avoided it really hard=>still not working=Clearly, I suck=>repeat. We have to take responsibility for our actions but we don’t have to take responsibility for everything everyone does to us or feels about us.

  73. OyHiOh*

    October 2019, otherwise known as the month in which my middle child – who has been building a protective shell around them for the past couple years – re discovered their smile. It’s still fleeting, and very much treasured when it appears.

    1. Sunflower Sea Star*

      Oh this makes me happy to hear. I don’t know why they needed to rediscover it, but I’ve been through phases when I needed to and it feels good to find it again.

  74. Gaia*

    Following up on last week

    Thanks for everyone for commenting. I managed to make an appointment with my doctor’s PA. It was horrible and exhausting to just make the appointment so I’m really struggling to remember why I actually need to go. But it is scheduled for the 30th even though everything in me is screaming not to go.

    I’m still definitely at peak anxiety (in case that wasn’t clear already) and it is now even impacting shows I watch. I usually love crime shows (SVU marathons are my jam, thank you very much) but anything that has even a mild build-up in it or people stressed is now spiking my anxiety to the point I have to turn it off. So the TV has been off most of this week.

    I made the critical error of researching medications for anxiety (because part of my baseline anxiety requires I be prepared) and learned that nearly all of them cause weight gain which is AWESOME since I have more than 100 lbs left to lose and have been gaining weight because I’m stress eating and just too dang anxious to exercise. So now I’m also trying to fight that as a reason not to go.

    This sucks on a seriously epic level. I feel like I’m fighting my own brain. And while I’m not really losing, I’m definitely not winning. Sigh.

    1. Grace Less*

      I’m completely with you on avoiding stressful tv shows. I really enjoyed Victoria via Amazon Prime and The Crown on Netflix because I pretty much knew how they were going to turn out. :)

      Ironically, I also have a medical appointment on the 30th for pretty much the same reason. How about I agree not to skip mine if you commit to go to yours?

      Enthusiasm is really hard to come by, but I’m cheering for you.

      1. Gaia*

        I’m cheering for you too. It’s easier for me to cheer for others than for myself.

        We’ll both go and report back next week.

    2. Gaia*

      Because it feels next level ridiculous and I need to just record this somewhere….

      I am so full of anxiety about everything that I started worrying that the PA won’t really understand how extreme my anxiety is feeling so maybe I should explain all the things that I’m over the top anxious about for no realistic reason. But then I got worried I’d forget the most damning ones so I started creating a list. A list of things that I’m anxious about because I’m anxious I won’t be able to adequately explain my anxiety.

      And now I feel like this list is really the only thing I need to mention because this feels like something someone handling stress well would not be doing at midnight while watching The Good Place.

      Well, at least I can laugh about it still

        1. Washi*

          Yeah, go ahead and make a list if you want! Looking at your comment another way, you are anxious and have identified a free and healthy coping mechanism – that’s great.

      2. AnonoDoc*

        Lists are GREAT! ALL of us (even those of us in the profession) forget important stuff we need to report when we go to our own appointments.

        Good for you also for taking the very hard first step of making the appointment. That is usually the biggest hurdle. And knowing what side-effects you are not willing to tolerate will help with the up-front discussion of options. There are options!

      3. Anono-me*

        Wonderful news.

        And as far as the list goes. In my whole extended family, we always take a notebook with to the doctor with questions and concerns and to make notes of what the doctor says.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Eh, I watch out for content on tv, books, newspapers and online. It’s been a way of life for me for awhile now.
      If you really think about it, it seems like this stuff is trying to make us anxious.
      Unfortunately, we have to deliberately seek out happy and informative, sections of media. These parts don’t just materialize at the top of the headlines. Calamity sells a lot of toothpaste and dog food and bunches of other stuff.

    1. Elf*

      Apple-rhubarb (only ever had my own, it seems really uncommon). It’s a great combination, I love rhubarb and the apple holds together which gives the pie much more interesting flavor and texture than strawberry rhubarb. I like a reasonably tart pie, so I use something in between the sugar recommendation for apple and for rhubarb, and I season with a little coriander and ginger.

      1. Parenthetically*

        My husband grew up with apple-rhubarb crumbles — it was fairly common where he lived because most people had apple trees and 50-year-old rhubarb plants in their backyards!

    2. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Mince meat. Spicy and sweet and nice texture. Number two: chocolate pecan. Number three: lemon

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      peach pie made with peak-of-the-season locally grown peaches.
      Or pumpkin pie that’s not too spicy.
      Or apple pie with substantial apples.
      I have never learned to make pie crust so I rarely eat pie. This is good because for health reasons I’m trying to lose some weight. If I made pie it would be terribly tempting to eat the entire thing.

    7. Lujessmin*

      My daddy used to say he liked two kinds of pie – hot and cold.

      Personally, Dutch apple pie is my favorite, followed closely by French Silk.

    8. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Good question! Spouse’ choice: banana cream, lemon meringue, coconut cream. Me: a bite of everything would be best! If it can’t do that, then…hmmm… Caramel apple with streusel topping? Chocolate silk? Rhubarb custard? Yes, please!

    9. Earthwalker*

      Peanut butter. It’s sweet and salty and rich and reminds me of that tiny cafe in the autumn woods of New Hampshire where I first learned that there even was such a glorious thing as peanut butter pie.

    14. The Other Dawn*

      Blueberry. Not sure why it’s my favorite. Maybe because it’s not quite as mainstream as apple and pumpkin. Over the summer I made blueberry jam with cinnamon and cloves, and it tastes just like pie–so delicious! I just wish I wasn’t so sensitive to sugar, otherwise I’d be eating by the spoonful.

    15. Reba*

      All nine kinds of pie that Harold liked best!

      I make a cranberry pie that no one else likes ;)
      and strawberry rhubarb with lots of ginger is probably my favorite. Or peach-berry with lots of ginger. Or holiday mince pie with… lots of ginger.

      I had pie at my wedding instead of cake.

    16. Bluebell*

      Pecan pie, but I have yet to try a fruit pie I didn’t like! When I left my last two jobs, my goodbye parties featured pie. My family has four required Thanksgiving pies—pecan, lemon meringue, pumpkin, and apple with a streusel crumb topping.

    17. Parenthetically*

      Pumpkin! The texture, flavor, and spice are all so wonderful. I love an eggy baked custard, and adding pumpkin and spices just sends it over the top for me. My mother used to let us have a slice for breakfast the morning after Thanksgiving.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My mom’s tradition when I was wee was to make the leftover pumpkin pie filling (because there’s always extra when the crust is filled) into milkshakes :)

    19. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Key lime. It’s usually expensive to get when eating out, but SO EASY to make at home, if you have a blender and an oven and fifteen minutes plus an hour chill time.

      Ingredients: 1/2 cup of key lime juice (NOT regular lime juice), 3 egg yolks, one brick of softened cream cheese (leave it out on the counter for a couple hours), one can of sweetened condensed milk, one graham cracker pie crust.

      Combine all ingredients except the crust in the blender and whiz til smooth. (If you try to put the cream cheese in straight out of the fridge it will be lumpy no matter how long you whiz.) Pour into the crust, bake at 350 for ten minutes and chill for an hour. Voila.

      If you want to get fancy, serve with whipped cream or a sauce made from raspberry jam thinned down with a bit more key lime juice.

    20. Sometimes Always Never*

      What, no cherry? I love cherry pie. And strawberry rhubarb. Growing up, our neighbors had it growing in their side yard and let my mom pick it to make pie — yummy and nostalgic!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Cherry with real cherries was an eye opener. ..I’d only ever had them made with commercial cherry pie filling.
        I need to get that recipe from my MIL.

        My own favorite is apple pie with cinnamon and mace. That’s something I picked up as a 4th grader from a visit to a colonial American museum, and it won me a bakeoff in 5th grade. (I sure didnt win it on the basis of my leaden crust lol.)
        Must have cheddar cheese.

    21. Beatrice*

      Cranberry apple. It was one of my mom’s signature desserts. It’s easy to make and so, so good. I love the sweet and tart together.

      I love key lime but I’ve never made it. I grew up in Florida. So many memories.

      My favorite non memory based pie is apple caramel. It’s barely more difficult than plain apple, but harder to resist. I just buy caramel bits and layer them in. Yum.

    22. Elizabeth*

      My Fruits of the Forest pie. It’s a compote of blueberries, raspberries, dried cranberries & apples stewed together with water & sugar, then baked in a pie shell. The leftover filling is amazing on ice cream. And there is always leftover filling.

    23. Merci Dee*

      Coconut custard is my favorite, followed closely by egg custard. I like the creaminess of the fillings, and the coconut flavor.

      If there aren’t any custard pies around, I’ll go with peach cobbler, as long as it’s the cakey kind (like, you mix together the cobbler batter ingredients, pour in the pan, and then spoon the peaches around into it). I despise the “cobbler” that just uses pie crust as the topper. Mainly because I absolutely loathe all manner of fruit pies. Apple, peach, strawberry, whatever. Bleh. I will totally skip dessert rather than choke down a serving of fruit pie.

    24. Alex*

      Pizza pie. Does that count?

      I’ll eat dessert pie if it’s there, but it’s not really something I’d go out of my way for.

    25. Clisby*

      For a sweet pie – lemon meringue. When it’s made right, the contrast between the tart filling and the sweet meringue is perfect. (I don’t much like sweet food, so it’s not like I would want this more than once a year, but it’s still my favorite sweet pie.)

      For a savory pie – probably steak and mushroom.

    26. Lost in the Woods*

      Blackberry plum with a strudel topping. The tart blackberries and plums combined with the cinnamony sweetness of the topping – the toasty taste of the oats in the topping – the flakiness of the crust. It’s the platonic ideal of a pie, with the different textures and flavors that somehow marry into perfection.

  76. Cat litterbox issues*

    I’m having some issues with my cat’s litterbox habits & was wondering if anyone has any advice?

    So maybe a couple months ago I noticed that one of my cats was peeing close to the edge of the litterbox & the urine was leaking out the seam of the litterbox & ending up in front of the box. To help with this I bought a new extra large box since the cat that’s doing this is an 18 lbs Maine coon, so I thought it might be because he didn’t have the space to turn around, plus the reviews of the new box mentioned people didn’t have an issue with seams leaking. However, it’s still happening occasionally with the new box. I don’t think I can get a top entry litterbox because he’s so big, and I’m hesitant to get a seamless open top litterbox since they’ve never had an open top litterbox plus the entrance to the open topped ones is lower than the top edge, and the entrance is where the problem is happening (so I would worry the same issue would happen with an open topped litter box). Has anyone had a similar issue and what were you able to do that improved it?

    1. AvenueQ*

      How old is your cat? The only experience I’ve had of this is with older cats where their spatial awareness seemed to get worse as they aged.

    2. WS*

      Yes, this happened with my (very long) cat as he got older, too. It is an open topped litterbox but that made no difference. What was happening is that because he is so long, he was peeing near the edge of the box all the time anyway, but he became more anxious and started standing up to pee rather than crouching (or standing up while he was already peeing) and that’s what sent it over the edge. So we surrounded the area with puppy pee pads so it was no big deal when he missed, and used Feliway in the area. It took a few weeks and he still occasionally has an accident, but less than once a month now rather than every second day.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with getting pee pads. At least then it’s less to clean up. Also, OP, you can try buying a plastic tote since all the sides would be the same height. I’m thinking of switching to those because my diva, Tiffany, is on the plump, very fluffy side and sometimes she gets too close to the entrance (open-top box with a lower entrance side), lifts her butt too high, and pees outside the box.

      2. Cat litterbox issues*

        So he’s only 7 so I wouldn’t think he’d be having age related issues yet? But it is like you describe where he’s really long & pees standing up right by the entrance. I have a good litter mat underneath it that’s machine washable, but it takes about 5 days to line dry so then those days are hard to keep the box area clean. I could get a second mat & then be constantly switching them out but the idea of having to do that much cat specific laundry seems like a bit much. I hadn’t considered Feliway, I thought that was more for anxiety than stuff like this?

        1. WS*

          Feliway is for anxiety, but it’s really common for cats to get anxious about the litter box and get weird habits, and it really helped in my case.

    3. AnonoDoc*

      We did, and we bought extra large boot trays to put under the box to catch spill-over. Nothing short of that worked (including Dr. Elsey;s cat attract, bigger box, more boxes…)

      1. Venus*

        I did the big box in bigger, short box thing as well. It was the only thing that worked. I could have done pee pads but it was every pee so I preferred to clean the bigger box every few days.

      2. Cat litterbox issues*

        How hard are the boot trays to clean? (I live in an apartment so can’t take stuff out & hose it down.)

  77. Shrunken Hippo*

    On top of fibromyalgia and EDS I also have osteoarthritis in my lower spine which can set off my sciatica in my left leg. So now I get to be the 20-something walking around with a cane and it’s not a good feeling. I know that it’s just a tool I need in order to walk on my non-excellent days but it still feels like admitting defeat somehow. It’s just not what I thought I would have to deal with when I was younger and it’s hard to explain to people. Sometimes I almost wish that I had illnesses that would eventually kill me because at least then people would realize the seriousness. Sorry this is a bit of a mess, I’m having problems getting my thoughts in line.

    1. LemonLyman*

      I was the 30 year old walking with a cane. Osteoarthritis in both hips. I’ve since had them replaced since they were both near collapse. It sucks being the young one with a cane. People assumed it was needed because of an injury and would ask very invasive (but well meaning, I guess) questions. They’d also try to solve it or tell me to just do yoga or drink olive oil or rub CBC oil to fix my degenerative joints. I’d get the side-eye when I’d park in the disabled spot. I had to explain all the time that I was in significant pain and something as simple as standing in line or walking to the other side of the room made me want to scream in pain and take a two hour nap because or the energy it took. And this is on top of dealing with a rare bone marrow disease that affects my life in other ways. So I empathize with you and I’m so sorry you have to deal with the frustrations, health issues, pain, exhaustion that goes with it all…and the scrutiny and possible judgement of others on top of it. When you don’t have a disorder that people can define (i.e., cancer) then it’s hard for people to understand what it’s doing to your body and how it affects you on the daily. I’m also sure it’s difficult for you as someone so young to see your relatively able-bodied friends and others your age live day to day lives that are carefree and painless. It feels unfair. It is unfair. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel whatever you’re feeling. And I’m so, so sorry.

      *Internet hugs*

      1. Shrunken Hippo*

        Thank you. There aren’t any young disabled people in my town so I stick out and it’s a pain to deal with all the questions on top of what I’m already dealing with. I’m very glad that I can get advice from people like you, it makes me feel less alone.

    2. Fikly*

      34 year old with EDS, currently walking with a cane due to concussion-related coordination issues.

      I’ve recently realized that using the cane is helping my neck, because I constantly look at my feet to avoid tripping and falling (I have terrible proprioception, so if I don’t monitor my feet, they will cross as I place them on the ground and I’ll trip myself), but with the cane, I can prevent falls, so I feel safe enough to look far enough ahead that my neck is better aligned.

      So now I’m thinking seriously about whether I should be using a cane full time. It’s a tough thing to think about! It’s ok to grieve the idea you had of your healthy adult self when you were younger.

      Also, most of us grew up in a society/culture that hates disabled people. Disabled people are viewed as lazy, it being their fault they’re disabled, it’s acceptable for people to say things like they’d rather be dead than disabled, or that other people would be better off dead. Disabled people are shoved in corners and ignored, treated as barely human. You cannot help but internalize that attitude, and then when you find yourself disabled, it’s a massive internal conflict, to try make sense of your idea of yourself versus your idea of a disabled person.

      This is, incidentally, the whole attitude behind I don’t want to vaccinate my kids because I think they might get autism. If you follow the logic, parents are saying I’d rather my kids be dead than autistic.

    3. Pam*

      Somewhat older’ I was in my 40’s before I got my cane. Due to my foot disease, I’ve also spent a lot of time in a wheelchair, either waiting for or recovering from surgery.

      Sometimes, all you can do is say “Screw you!” to the judgy ones, and keep living your life.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You’ve got two things going here that I see.
      Grief. Grief isn’t just for funerals. Grief can be for any loss such as loss of good health. Cry when you need to. Remember crying causes a chemical reaction in the brain that helps the brain stay healthy. Eventually you may notice that you have a better day after a cry. That’s not your imagination, that’s real. Let your tears help you along.

      Second thing: You are stopping your own self from processing your grief. A cane is not defeat, it’s a cane. The defeat comes in when we fail to allow ourselves to grieve our predicaments and our obstacles. When we cannot grieve that is like saying, “No, I am not a human being with emotions. Nope. Not at all.” And of course, that is not true. You are a complete person with emotions and everything.

      Just from my own life, if I waited for other people to agree I had a problem then I would still be waiting right to this day. (Twenty five plus years later.) The one person who absolutely needs to valid our concerns is our very own selves. The people who don’t get it, turn out to be the least helpful people anyway. Focus on the people who get it, and realize we don’t get to pick out who gets it and who doesn’t. There will be disappointments in that regard for sure.

  78. Anon for this.*

    Need some advice…

    My sibling’s best friend has a friend who’s college-age kid goes to the university in the same town in which I live. The friend (kid’s parent) has moved away. So through my sister’s best friend, I’ve been asked if this kid could use my address to maintain his state residency. The kid would obviously get mail at my address, so I’d probably need to deliver it to them somehow.

    I don’t know if this is even technically legal or just, um, not right, but it is helping someone out. The other thing is I don’t know this person at all, and neither does my sibling. It’s just a favor for a friend who knows the parent of the sibling. What do you think?

    1. LemonLyman*

      Kid or Kid’s parents didn’t know anyone in the state before Kid’s parents moved away?? No one? Kid still lives in state so I would this kid knows someone whose address they could use. Maybe a college friend? I’d ask to be sure before giving my address to a total stranger. I’d be different if you knew Parent or Kid in some capacity. But it’s odd that total strangers would need your address.

      1. LemonLyman*

        *I would think this kid…

        *It’d be different…

        Geesh, I should proofread before posting! :)

    2. Not A Manager*

      Eh, I wouldn’t subject myself to legal danger for someone so tenuously related. If the deal is “I am going to pretend I live with you and you are going to go along with that,” I would say no. If the deal is, “do you mind if I have my mail sent to your house (and what I tell other people is my business and not yours),” I would say yes.

    3. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      I say don’t do it.

      First, there’s the responsibility of receiving someone else’s mail. What if there’s a dispute over whether or not something important was sent to this person?

      Second, there’s the whole deal of making sure the person gets the mail. Whether you’d go to them or they’d come to you, either way it’s something that’s going to take time away from you.

      And finally, if this is indeed illegal, do you really want to risk incurring whatever penalties might be imposed for your part in it?

      All for someone you don’t even know?

      What’s in it for you? Even if it’s nothing more than the good feeling that comes from helping someone else out, I think the risks far outweigh the rewards.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with all these points. And I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of a dispute over missing mail.

        My husband wants to allow his parents to register a van at our address since our mil rate is half that of the city in which they live, which is almost an hour away in the same state, but now I’m rethinking it after reading this.

    4. WS*

      Are they needing to maintain an in-state address for a tuition discount? Because that sounds really shady.

    5. Lizabeth*

      They need to double check whether said kid would still be considered in state by the college. When my parents relocated for Dad’s job, both my sister’s and my colleges still considered us as in state for tuition purposes.

    6. Anon time*

      That’s shady. If the kid is going to come stay with you sometimes on breaks, ok. But if it’s just for paperwork, it’s shady.

      From a quick Google, it looks like it’s fraud. I don’t know that you would get into legal trouble over it (though that’s possible), but the student could definitely have some kind of action taken against them by the school.

    7. SpellingBee*

      I absolutely would not do this, for all the reasons others have mentioned. Yes, it’s helping someone out, but what it’s helping them do is commit fraud. Just say sorry, no, can’t do that. You don’t even know this person, nor does your sibling, so you’re not even disappointing someone close to you.

    8. Person from the Resume*

      This sounds very much like fraud. You’re helping someone create a false legal address.

      If the kid wants to maintain legal residence in the state, he can by living there and maintaining some kind of residence. If we wants to go “home” to parents (out of state) during vacations and summers and doesn’t have an apartment or something in college state then he is out of state.

      College tuition prices are ridiculous, I agree. But the whole in state / out of state is because residence pay taxes in the state which supports the state college.

      Also kid’s legal residence would be used for drivers license, voting precincts, taxes. You’re getting caught up in legal fraud you don’t want for someone you don’t know.

    9. Lisanthus*

      Higher ed person here who has dealt with residency issues: This is fraudulent and can be prosecuted as such if the university wants to play hardball. (There was a 2015 case in GA where a charge of felony theft was filed against a parent who pulled this kind of stunt to get his daughter in-state tuition even though he paid back the $30,000+ in out-of-state tuition that he’d fraudulently avoided paying. Google “Pierre Mortemousque” and “UGA”.)

      Also, the student can be expelled from the university for actively participating in the fraud — which, from what you’re describing, would be active participation rather than “I signed papers Mom/Dad told me to sign.” And if the student is receiving state financial aid, not just in-state tuition, then charges may be filed against the student to recoup fraudulently received aid.

      The student should go to the appropriate office and ask what can be done. They’re not going to be the first student whose parent moved out of state during their college career and depending on the state and the student’s age/year in school, there may be some way to work things out. Emphasis on “may” since I don’t know what state and what institution. But if they try to work with the school, they’re not risking prosecution and expulsion.

      Not only is participating in residence fraud apt to get you in legal trouble if it’s discovered and the university decides to play rough to make an example of *you*, not just the student and parent, it makes life a lot harder for those who are trying to play by the rules. Speaking as someone who had to submit 70 pages of supporting documentation to prove in-state residency — as a middle-aged, single, self-supporting, orphaned graduate student who had clearly relocated their entire life to said state to attend a doctoral program — because of continual attempts by undergraduates and their parents to defraud the system by claiming they were in-state residents when they were NOT.

      1. Lilith*

        I’m fairly sure my in-laws did this for a kid in order for him to get in state tuition. Pissed me off. I never asked though as I didn’t want it confirmed. These are all “good Christians.” Blerg

    10. Sunflower Sea Star*

      Kid can establish his own state residency. Different states do it differently, but when I was in college (not in the same state as my parents) I established residency by doing things like:
      Getting a driver’s license in the state where I lived and went to college
      Having a part time job
      Setting up a local bank account
      Filing state income taxes in the state I went to college
      No residency fraud needed.
      Now that my kids are applying for colleges, a driver’s license from our state is all they’re asking for to prove residency.

      1. Close Bracket*

        You are missing a big point here, which is that you need an address to do most of those things. You need a local address to register to vote, get a driver’s license, and file income taxes as a resident (bc you have to file taxes in the state where you work whether you are a resident or not).

        Even if you don’t work, drive, vote, or bank locally, it’s not fraud if you live there year round.

    11. Anon for this.*

      Thanks for the comments. Most of it was pretty much what I had thought of myself, so it was good to get confirmation from an unbiased audience.

      1. Close Bracket*

        I’m not unbiased bc I needed people like you. :) For most of my entire undergraduate career, I had to use someone else’s address as my mailing address bc I made a financially smart choice to live in dorms rather than apartments. I did not receive any money from my parents, I did not go to their house over breaks. I was an independent adult who happened to live in school housing—and I was far from the only one. I was fortunate to have people who would let me use their address so I could drive and vote. Almost no mail went to their house bc I used my mailing address for, well, mail. Most of the places that send you thing will allow you to have both a mailing address and a permanent address, so you can make the arrangement with this person to have that happen. I would encourage you to sit down with this person and work through an arrangement. If they seem flakey, then don’t do it. If they seem responsible, then do it.

  79. Sh’Dynasty*

    Just sending everyone out there positive thoughts and love. I hope you can remember it on your loneliest times.

  81. AvenueQ*

    A friendship dilemma of sorts. I have one best friend, the kind where we tell each other everything and would legitimately be each other’s phone call from jail. We live in different parts of the country due to work/life, but we talk every day and are still really close. Over the last couple of years we’ve both had hard times – both my parents passed away and my fiancé broke up with me, and for her she’s had a lot of personal problems and family stuff going on, so we’ve both oscillated between being radiators and drains in friendship terms. The holidays are always particularly tough for me and for the last couple of years I’ve suggested us going away for a couple of days over Christmas or New Year and she’s always said no as culturally it’s a big deal for her and she always flies to see family. I don’t have any family and no close friends locally so I’ve spent the last two holiday seasons by myself. We chatted a couple of months ago about making plans for this coming December and again she said she couldn’t possibly do anything because she’s flying to see family and the season is a huge deal in their culture. Except she isn’t, she’s flying to see a guy instead.

    This guy is a guy she used to work with who she’s been crushing on on/off for about a year, and recently after she transferred to another state he let her know he had feelings for her. She’s been back to see him once for a couple of days and they’ve decided to spend all of Christmas/New Year together to see how they feel being together. I’m really happy for her and do hope that things go well between them because he sounds like a nice guy and she seems really into him. She’s telling me all about her plans and what they’re going to do together etc. However I am also really hurt about the fact that we’re best friends and for the last few years she always said we could never meet up over the holidays as it’s such a big cultural/family deal to her, but it doesn’t seem to be now that there’s a romantic interest elsewhere in the country. I know I’m not her responsibility (before anyone says it!) but we really were the closest of friends and I’m pretty upset about it. Any tips on how to swallow it?

    1. Ismis*

      Oof… I don’t have advice for you but for what it’s worth, I would be pretty upset too.

      Do you want to swallow it? Do you think it would be worth saying something?

      Take care of yourself and don’t feel like you have to address anything (if at all) until you have had some time to yourself to think.

      1. AvenueQ*

        I’m not really sure what I could even say about it that wouldn’t end with us arguing or her feeling bad, and I don’t want that either because she is really into this guy and I am rooting for them. We have only ever had one serious argument in all the years we’ve known each other and it was over something a little similar (she ditched me as we were about to leave on an overseas vacation because an ex of hers showed up and she wanted to spend time with him instead – so I went alone) and we ended up not speaking for a couple of years as a result. When we got back in touch we never really spoke about what had happened, and it feels a little like history is repeating itself in a way.

        1. Washi*

          It sounds like you feel like this says something about you – she doesn’t love you enough, you’re not good enough to make an exception to the family christmas rule but he is, etc.

          I would say that this situation says way more about her than it does about you. Everyone has their “thing” (or multiple!) and it sounds like her thing is that she gets super wrapped up in romantic relationships and will throw everything else to the side for someone she’s romantically interested in. You give two examples of that, and I’m guessing she may be someone for whom having a significant other is a huge huge priority and maybe source of self-esteem.

          You can’t change her, so can you accept this about her? She can be an amazing friend, but her thing about romantic relationships will occasionally get in the way, and that’s about her, not you? It’s also ok for your honest answer to be no, and to pull back a bit. But my advice would be to try really really hard not to take this personally, as hard as that is.

    2. WS*

      So I would say that if she’s really serious about this guy, spending Christmas/New Year together probably *is* potentially about family to her – she’s spending an important time with someone she is considering bringing into her family. Unless she was lying to you about spending Christmas with family, but it seems like she was planning to do that and then changed her mind? But I would also say that this indicates that she trusts you to be there regardless of the season.

      1. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

        Yeah, this is what I was thinking. And if it’s really a family thing… well, every family that I can think of that insists that their grown children spend holidays with them would make an exception for a potential marriage partner. OP isn’t going to be a member of the family, this other person might be, and there’s just different rules for that, especially in some family-centric cultural traditions.

    3. valentine*

      For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to spend the holidays with you. What will help you is to detach and move your eggs to other baskets. If you are mostly bonding over trauma, reduce that whilst creating joy in the friendship. I wonder why she wouldn’t invite you to her family thing, but I preferred not to disrupt my family dynamic. Maybe she wasn’t with family and was just letting you down gently because she knows you’re not okay with her just plain wanting to do something else. It does seem a big ask and I can see where she doesn’t want to be part of an anti-hol game plan versus a positive alternate focus.

      If you stay home, what about some creative project or something like popcorn and movies? Maybe you enjoy baking or learning to cook new things. Maybe you want to build things out of clay. Is there something you never have time for that you can dedicate this time to? If the travel was to get away from the general celebration, maybe you can join a tour group, but that’s risking being around people who would rather be with loved ones, and I think that could be worse for you.

      1. AvenueQ*

        Her wanting to do something else isn’t really the issue for me, it’s more the fact that for the couple of years and now this one there’s always been this big explanation of the cultural differences, how she is almost forced into spending the holidays with family because of it – when really that doesn’t seem to be the case. Whenever we had discussed it she could’ve said ‘oh actually I’d prefer to spend it picking apples in Australia’ which would have been totally ok. But the explanation was always ‘oh I wish we could hang out but you know how big of a deal Christmas/New Year is in our culture and my family would go nuts if I didn’t show’.

        1. PX*

          Hmmm. Given your earlier comment about your previous fight and the circumstances around it, I really do wonder if perhaps there is some imbalance in the relationship. How often has she ever actually made an effort to be there for you outside of phone calls/texts?

          To me it seems like when push comes to shove, unfortunately she will prioritise other things over you, and unfortunately she’s not been super honest about it.

          I would take some time to think about it, but if it were me, I like to think I’d say something about the overall trend. Maybe ask why she felt she couldnt be honest with you about spending time with you over the holidays?

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I agree that the friendship has an imbalance of some sort.
            I am not sure if she would be my one phone call from a jail cell, honestly.

            Some friends are good at some things and not good at other things. We don’t get to randomly assign things to friends and decide they should be good at it. (I have no idea how many times I have had this conversation with myself. I can be dense.)

            Some friends are “talk friends”, oh my!, they can talk us through anything but they have no actions behind the talk.
            Some friends are action friends. Don’t try to have a long conversation with them, they can’t sit for long periods of time*. Many people are in the middle rannge some where, sometimes they talk too much and sometimes they cut directly to doing something. You never know where they will go with a particular thing.
            (*I have one friend, I love her dearly. But we went to lunch to visit with each other and it was a disaster. Lunch was over in 25 minutes. That includes ordering. She is an action friend. If I have an activity she is all over it.)

            Your friend is a talk friend. I’d recommend to stop planning/wishing for something else. Yeah, it hurts. But older and wiser, you are now free to find people who you can spend the holidays with.
            I am on my own here also. I mostly volunteer at something on the holidays, but once in a while a friend invites me over and that is very nice. When my husband died, the life coach said, “Get a plan that is repeatable, something that can be your go-to each year so you do not have to wrestle with what to do each year.” It’s been a pearl of wisdom.

            1. valentine*

              It’s possible a man is the only reason her family accepts for missing the hols with them. Are they obsessed with marrying her off? Would you really feel better if she said there was no family thing? You’re focused on her real reason, yet not willing to confront her, even though, by telling you the truth about the guy, she may feel she’s risking another major rift. Maybe she wants to be the kind of person who will be your holiday buddy or she feels bad or feels you’re pressuring her. If it were really okay with you, either it wouldn’t bother you that she’s doing non-fam stuff or you would be able to tell her, “It’s fine if you don’t want to spend the hols together. Please stop saying otherwise.”

              If you’re not saying anything about being lonely or asking her to do stuff with you and she is volunteering the whole spiel every year, you can ask her to stop. The friendship isn’t strong enough if you feel you can’t talk about this. As much as you are rooting for her, I think you feel sidelined, whereas she may think guys are potential future family and so fit in the familial/cultural obligation or otherwise take precedence over you. She ditched you for an ex, so, I think it’s time to cast a wider net, friendship-wise, especially if she is your only friend. If not, what about making plans with other friends?

              she ditched me as we were about to leave on an overseas vacation because an ex of hers showed up and she wanted to spend time with him instead
              This was way out of line. Did she pay for her part of lodging or other shared expenses?

    4. Anon time*

      I would just assume going forward that she doesn’t want to spend the holidays with you, for whatever reason. I wouldn’t bring it up anymore. And then make whatever decisions you need to about the friendship.

      I’m so sorry the holidays have been difficult for you. I hope you can find some cozy ways to cope that are nice, whether eating Chinese food and watching your favorite movies, or taking a trip somewhere cool. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    5. Anon time*

      I also think it’s more than appropriate if you tell her that while you’re happy for her, that she has this romantic interest, the holidays are still a difficult time for you, and you can’t be the person she comes to to talk about all the great holiday plans she’s making this year. You love her, but you just don’t want to talk about it anymore. And then just do a topic change or “yeah, I’d rather not talk about the holidays, but have you heard about this cool movie”

    6. Alex*

      So sorry–I can totally relate, as my best friend recently started dating someone seriously (and then quickly moved in with him and got engaged) and I had to re-adjust to my new place in her life priorities.

      It seems here that you are reading this as “my new boyfriend is worth ditching the family Christmas for, but you are not.” And while I wish I could tell you that of course that doesn’t mean that….it kind of does. I think our whole culture generally prioritizes romantic relationships over platonic ones, and that sucks for those of us who have only platonic relationships, as we never get to be someone’s first priority. It hurts, and I totally get it and have been there. Your friend is likely telling herself that she isn’t being cruel to you, because she (and you, and I) is living in a culture that supports priorities in this order–romantic and/or family over friendship.

      And in all honesty, she probably has an easier argument with her family over not attending family Christmas–I know in my own family, not showing up to family Christmas (HUGE family obligation in my family) is more easily forgiven if you are doing so to be with a romantic partner than a friend, because of aforementioned cultural acceptance of priorities.

      I’m sorry this is happening to you. Is there someone else you can reach out to to make Christmas plans with? Maybe a friend who isn’t as close, but also doesn’t have plans, or has more local plans that you could join? Alternatively, sometimes feeling really down can be soothed by volunteering. Maybe you could help out with a holiday event for the homeless or something of that sort? Doing SOMETHING is better than wallowing at home by yourself thinking about your friend and her plans.

    7. Scandinavian in Scandinavia*

      So sorry about what you are going through!
      I second the comments above regarding the friendship. Please know that you don’t have to listen to her holiday plans with him! She definitely seems like a person who prioritizes romantic relationships over long-standing friendships; that is useful to remember when she wants you to be there for her.
      I’d suggest volunteering over the holidays, for instance with the homeless. Or traveling alone! Lots of other people do that and they’ll understand your reasons for doing that. Go relax on a beach or in a destination with many interesting cultural sights.
      Good luck!

      1. valentine*

        I’d suggest volunteering over the holidays, for instance with the homeless.
        I can’t wait for this trend to die. Homeless people deserve volunteers who actually want to be there.

    8. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I have a slightly different take on this issue. I wonder if you would be this upset about your friend spending the holidays with her romantic interest if she hadn’t ditched your pre-planned vacation years ago. I have definitely been in situations where I’m having residual Feelings towards friends about something in the past that was legitimately hurtful, but applying those feelings to something that, in my case, wasn’t about me at all. In trying to move on, it was helpful to just recognize those feelings and say to myself “oh yeah, I’m still feeling kinda raw about that thing in the past” and accepting those feelings. I don’t know if I’m on the right track here, but I hope this is helpful to you!

  82. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Does anyone use a blog reader app or similar way to keep track of blogs besides just remembering to go check them? I used to use some Web service ages ago but I don’t remember what I used, and these days I’m more likely to be using my phone (android) than the computer.

    1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I use Feedly when the other primary reader (Google something or other) shut down. It works pretty well as the URL on my laptop and the app on my phone (also Android). It lists new unread entries from blogs you want to follow.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Oh I second Feedly! I only use it on my phone and it helps me read (and save) the content I want.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I use Feedly. Loved Google Reader until Google killed it. Feedly’s not quite as good, but it’s decent.

    3. Mephyle*

      I’ve been using Feedreader since Google Reader shut down (when? apparently it was in 2013). So I’ve been using Feedreader for 6 years! I’m satisfied with it. I use it on my computer, haven’t tried it on small devices.

  83. The Other Dawn*

    I’m looking for suggestions for a decent case for my new cell phone. It needs to have a bit of grip that’s preferable fairly thin/low profile. I’m pretty easy on my phones so I don’t need something like an Otterbox.

    I got the Samsung Note 10+ yesterday. I wasn’t planning on getting a new phone, but the local warehouse club had a good deal going, plus I got a $200 gift card to the store, which will be useful with the holidays coming up. I absolutely love it so far, especially the fact that the fingerprint scanner is on the front, not the back. (I previously had the Galaxy S8+ and it was on the back, which was annoying.)

    And I’m happy to say that, for the first time, I managed to restore everything from the cloud very easily and not lose any contacts! Seems like no matter if I do it myself or have the store do it, I either lose contacts or end up with duplicates and then have to do a ton of maintenance to get them back to where they should be.

    1. Sunflower Sea Star*

      I’ve had good luck with the Tech21 cases and have used one for three phones in a row now.

    2. Girr*

      I like silicone cases as they are pretty low profile and great at protecting phones from being dropped. That, plus a second glass over the screen has kept my phones in good shape.

      If you search silicone case + phone type on Amazon, you can usually get a decent one for $10 or so.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks! I went out to Best Buy today and played with the cases. I ended up getting the Otterbox Symmetry. It’s a little grippy and low profile. Seems like it will give the phone some protection. My husband, on the other hand, is someone who really needs the Otterbox Defender. I checked it out, but it’s way too bulky for me.

    4. anon24*

      I’ve had urban armor cases before and highly recommend them. They’re very low profile and protect the phone great. I have the s10 now and have an ArmadilloTek case and like it because it has better side and screen protection than most cases for this phone

    5. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I just buy off Etsy. You can get silicon cases in virtually any design you like (or just plain clear ones, if you prefer), usually for $20 or less. Never had a problem, and they’re very low profile; I keep my phone in my wristlet and they don’t make it too bulky to fit.

    6. Damien*

      I get my cases off redbubble – i go for the tough cases with silicon inserts. They seem pretty durable and manage to stay on the phone when dropped.

  84. The Other Dawn*

    I started the eviction process on my tenants several weeks ago and I’m so happy I decided to get a lawyer. It has made a very stressful situation so much easier to deal with and much less of a time suck–he does all the paper work, contacts the marshal to serve the papers, etc. I just sit back and watch it all happen. Best thing I ever did. I don’t even want to think about the bill coming afterwards, though, since we’re paying two mortgages –ours and the other house–with no rent money coming in. I’m hoping it won’t have to go to court, but the tenants are digging in their heels so I’m not hopeful they’ll leave on their own.

    They essentially had over six months’ notice, but yet I: gave them no notice; I don’t care about animals (they have multiple pets); I made them pay for X, didn’t reimburse them for Y, etc. (I have our whole FB message history to disprove that); am making them homeless; and the list goes on. (They think I’m no longer friends with someone they know and have felt free to spin their tale of woe to them. Yes, I am still friends with that person, and yes, they told me everything the two of them said.)

    I can’t wait until this is over so my almost-80 year old in-laws, who are still living in a hotel due to their house burning down a few months ago, can move in there. Plus, I need to not be paying two mortgages and paying their water bill, which they’ve managed to triple in the last two months. I also want to go back to not living under a rock in terms of social media. Not that I’m all that active, but I’d like to be able to blog about things going on in my life, fun things I’ve done, etc. without thinking that they’re creeping on me. I do have them blocked on FB, but we have some mutual FB friends.

    I’ll also be happy to not hear comments that I need to find better tenants and stop renting to crappy people. Yes, I purposely went out to find crappy tenants because I like having the evict people. Really?? One comment was said in a joking manner, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. Things were fine for several years up until this past winter. And also the comments of “you should do X,” “make sure you do Y,” Yes, I know!

    1. Shiny Flygon*

      This has sounded so very stressful for you. I’m glad you’ve got a lawyer and I’m glad you’ve got someone on side to keep you prepared for any twists and turns :-/

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thank you. We had to do this once before, and those people truly were crappy from the beginning. We did the eviction ourselves, which is totally possible and typical, but it was SO stressful, lots of time lost form work running back and forth between the courthouse since documents had to be picked up/stamped at the court, and losing time and money because the tenants knew the system inside and out. I’m hoping they leave since they’ve had over six months since we first terminated the lease, but it’s doubtful. According to everyone I’ve talked to that knows them, they’re the “victims” in all this.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      FWIW, here in NY landlords are pretty much screwed. For similar reasons that you show here, everything drags on and on. Good tenants are just not that common. I am baffled that people believe they are common. My friend has been a landlord for decades. He’s had one good tenant so far. Even his own off-spring became a problem tenant.
      It’s not you. I see that first hand. Lots of empathy from me.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Someone said make sure I get good tenants next time…there absolutely is not going to be a “next time.” The blessing in disguise is that they didn’t pay last month’s rent. If they had, they can apply for a stay of execution of up to six months!

      2. Dan*

        Depends on the market and type of property I guess. Where I live, renting is quite common and tenants are actually good. But I live in a high income area and don’t rent bottom-market properties. (Not luxury ether, just mid-level.)

        I don’t know where in NY you are, but if it’s the city… I once lived somewhere (as a tenant) where rent control was A Thing, and TBH, while it seems good for the renter in the short run, overall I don’t like it. It creates perverse incentives for landlords to not keep up with the property, and since they can’t kick out their tenants, then you get this adversarial thing going on, which is great for absolutely nobody.

        I have to ask: If your friend has been a landlord for decades, and he has only had one good tenant, why is he still in business? He can’t be making any money.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, mid-high-end is the way to go for small-time, and small units that you rent to single professionals. My sister bought an investment property near a medical school/center and rents to either late-term medical students or young medical professionals. They aren’t likely to have the sort of money problems that make them unable to pay rent, don’t have the free time for parties, and rarely have pets or kids. Nice and easy.

      3. Observer*

        Shrug. If your friend has only had one good tenant, I’m going to say that it’s as much about his as his tenants.

        Even the tenant we had to evict was a good tenant till they ran in to genuine financial problems. And then they got some pretty bad advice, but that was a mixed bag.

        Yes, bad tenants happen and it’s not always possible to know in advance what’s going to be. But the idea that renter = jerk is classist and ridiculous.

        1. Dan*

          I’m with your last sentence, speaking as a renter for the last 20 years. I live in an HCOL area, and renting here doesn’t have the same classist stereotypes that it does other places.

          Why do I rent? Because where I live, entry level housing (a condominium) will come with a mortgage of $1700/mo, and then another $1000 in property taxes, condo fees and PMI… and that’s on the cheap side. My rent is a bit less than $1700.

      4. The Other Dawn*

        Why does he continue to be a landlord if he’s only had one good one over that many years? He’s got be losing his sanity by now–I am and it’s only been five years and two tenants!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          He’s locked into the fact that his father wanted his sons (dad’s grand children) to have the property. If it were me I would have off-loaded it now. I guess that’s just me.
          I am thinking of the line in that poem, “the path less traveled”. That’s what he’s got, a path less traveled. Many folks would have given up by now.

          I did unload a large parcel my father had. I knew it was too much for me, phsyically, financially and emotionally. It was super hard to let go even though I knew it was the right thing. I ended up getting sick in part because of all that went into unloading it. So maybe for my friend the idea of unloading is unthinkable. I do understand that part. But keeping it is so darn rough.

    3. !*

      I don’t understand if someone is not paying rent how they can have a leg to stand on? I’m sorry you are going through this but yes, document, document, document, and I hope, now that you’ve started the eviction process that the courts will do what is needed to get them out. I can’t even imagine this situation and it really sucks since it seems they were acquaintances of yours at one time?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, they were. I’ve known them for several decades. Friends of a friend and all that. Things were fine until this year.

        Tenants have most of the rights here, so even with not paying the rent, it can take months to get them out.

      2. Dan*

        To your first question, it’s stalling tactics mostly. Evictions are paperwork heavy processes (for good reason if you ask me), and it’s easy to claim untruths about the process and get the hearing stalled.

        And there are valid defenses to not paying rent; these vary by state.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        We served the first notice, which says they need to be out by X date. They didn’t leave, so eviction papers were served last week and this week is the answer date. Once they file the answer, depending what that “answer” is, we’ll get a notice of a court hearing which would probably be mid-November. Assuming it goes my way (God I hope so!!), I think they get something like five days to get out. So it’s likely another month or so. All while collecting no rent to pay the mortgage on that house–it was never income for us. Rent only covered the mortgage. (Not getting into that, but it worked for us.)

    5. Dan*

      Note the “yous” in the reply are the “general you”, not you specifically.

      Can I just say that I don’t know how people do it as small-time landlords? When you have a lot of units, then you can deal with the occasional headache/non-payment of rent (and probably have lawyers/processes to streamline all of that.) But if you only have a couple of units and don’t have much experience, a bad tenant can wreck your life for months.

      I’ve been a life long renter, and seen both sides of it.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes it small time landlord. Honestly we should have just sold the house when we first moved but we were under water and decided to rent it out. Terrible experience but it turned out the tenants were terrible. This time then tenants were good until trouble hit earlier this year. We worked with them but then things really went south and they’re now digging in their heels and creating problems. We’ll be selling once my in laws are back in their home.

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Stories like yours are part of why we still pay the mortgage on a frequently empty house. For the amount of rent we’d get it’s not worth the risk.

  85. Overeducated*

    Last week someone posted about Tiny House Nation on Netflix…thank you! I’m enjoying it. Hands down my favorite part is when they come up with hidden folding furniture solutions, they’re so neat and I’m envious! I think the homeschooling family with small kids is a little crazy, I hope they take lots of field trips. And I find it annoying how people call them “tinies” instead of “houses” – it’s overly precious, house IS a noun. That’s my take!

  86. Alex*

    Anyone have a good rec for a free online strength training video? I have weights of a couple of different sizes but I’d like to be able to watch some sort of routine to keep me on track and remind me of good form.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Fitness Blender! And they have soooooo many options, from 10 or 15 minute targeted routines to longer full-body ones.

        1. Scarlet Magnolias*

          I still wonder whatever happened to Etiquette Hell? Hasn’t been updated since May of this year. I know she had changed it but still posted occasionally

  87. Courageous cat*

    I’m somewhat unreasonably annoyed that Captain Awkward always keeps comments closed these days. That’s literally half the reason I read any advice column. Like, I get that people tediously belabor a counterargument sometimes, but that’s… the nature of the internet? Let people weigh in.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Oh, I find this interesting! There are lots of sites that have shut down comments completely, so I don’t think it’s entirely the nature of the internet. And most people aren’t comment section readers, which is easy to forget when you are one. I suspect the number of people reading her content doesn’t change much whether comments are open or closed, so it makes sense to close them when she doesn’t have time (or emotional bandwidth) to moderate in the way she prefers and her readers have come to expect.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        (which is not to say it’s not still disappointing if you enjoy the comment section and find it closed!)

        (and also, I think it’s a good example of Jennifer doing the boundary-setting she writes about!)

      2. Dan*

        When I really think about it, the places that seem to benefit from comments sections the most are opinion-oriented content. Sites that benefit the least IMHO are news/fact oriented. In my book, advice columns strongly benefit from comment sections, in part because the advice given is an opinion and TBH subject to debate. I do think your site has benefited from and grown as a strong commenting community. It also drives traffic more regularly.

        Compare yours to Evil HR Lady, who’s advice isn’t always mainstream, but with which I agree far for more often than not. But because her comments sections aren’t very active, there’s really no need to make it a daily stop on the browsing trail, and overall much more difficult to engage with. For instance, she recently wrote a piece about how companies should settle for “average” because that’s all they need most of the time, and TBH, what they’re willing to pay for. There was a lot of wisdom in there, and it got like 5 comments. Over here, you would have had a lively discussion.

        Carolyn Hax’s columns are the same way. Her columns tend to generate close to 2,000 comments. And while I never post over there, I’d say I hit “show comments” for about half of her columns, because I am curious what the readership has to say.

        News sites? Yeah, they did the right thing shutting down the comments sections. Fact-based news has much less to “discuss” than opinion pieces. It’s not like one can legitimately write a comment saying, “well, I disagree with the fact-based news piece” and really have a civil discussion.

      3. Courageous cat*

        Totally, it is very much her prerogative to have those boundaries and enforce them, since you’re right that the comment section isn’t a main appeal for most people. And that sets a good example for boundary setting in general. But from my perspective I feel like her take on moderation is a bit more heavy-handed than, for instance, what I would employ, and would rather see a variety of opinions that I may not agree with, than see none at all because it’s too exhausting to moderate.

        But on the other hand, I also think her content is trickier because it’s such a wide range of sensitive topics and as such more likely to invite problematic/hateful/etc standpoints, and I definitely don’t agree with giving people like that a platform to spew bullshit, so I guess it’s hard to find a balance.

        1. Dan*

          I’m not a CA reader, so no dog in that fight… but let me ask you this: Even if a majority of the people don’t comment, I’m starting to believe that a good comments section actually builds the brand. For example, compare EvilHR Lady to AAM — Evil posts quality content once per day, but for whatever reason, she has nowhere near the following that AAM does.

    2. Shiny Flygon*

      I know, it’s frustrating (and I have experience of babyloss and Christmas so I wanted to weigh in on that) but I’m pretty sure that it’s because the Captain doesn’t have time to moderate, and I presume the choice is “entry with comments closed” or “no entry at all” and I’m strongly in favour of the first.

      1. Shiny Flygon*

        Fwiw I also think it’s just when the Captain doesn’t have energy to moderate and not a permanent thing. I’m pretty sure if comments were never going to be on she would have announced that. And there are always the forums.

    3. Alex*

      I do find myself going to the site less now that there are fewer posts and also the comments are so often turned off. It’s kind of like…OK, so there’s a new post, and only one of those every so often, but when comments are on you’ll find something new each time you visit the page.

      That said, I get it if she doesn’t have the time or energy to moderate the internet all day long. I should probably spend less time reading the internet!

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      Yeah, it does seem like she’s cutting out half the appeal of the site. But hey, it’s her call and I guess she gets to decide it’s not worth the sizable time investment to her – it’s a hobby, not her job, after all. Besides, considering the delicate issues she addresses, she’d basically moderated the the comment section into a bit of an affirmation circle jerk (again, understandable given the subject matter) so I suppose this was the next logical step.

      Just go to the AITA or r/relationships subreddits for all your commenting-on-others-dilemmas needs.

      1. fposte*

        I love AITA. I need to remember a lot of people commenting as well as posting there are kids, but it’s still really interesting.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Oh I definitely love both those subreddits.

        But totally agreed about the affirmation circle jerk. I get that people poking holes in an argument over and over again is annoying, but I also don’t think it needs as much constant shutting down. I’d rather see a more open comment section with stuff I don’t always agree with (that doesn’t require a lot of time from the moderator, as such) than not one at all.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, I think she has a lot of good ideas, but I actually stopped reading like a year ago, because it was basically just:

          LW: “here’s my question.”
          CA: “Here’s a pretty good answer – but if you read the archives you’re probably familiar enough with my work to know what I’ll say, so… nothing new here.”

          Commenter 1: “that’s a great answer, CA. LW, you are a wonderful, beautiful person and you deserve all the best.”

          Commenter 2: “that’s a great answer. Here’s my addition to it, which is basically just a re-statement of CA’s opinion, since we all have been on this site for years and all are in agreement. LW, you are a wonderful, beautiful person and you deserve all the best.”

          Commenter 3: “I just want to say that everyone on this board is a wonderful, beautiful person and you all deserve the best.”

          Commenter 4: “that’s a great answer, CA. Something similar happened to me and I agree. You are a wonderful, beautiful person and you deserve all the best.”

          Commenters 1-3: “Commenter 4, you are a wonderful, beautiful person and you deserve all the best.”

          I mean, there’s definitely worse places on the internet (oh god, are there ever) but there are also more interesting places, yanno?

    5. Viki*

      Glad you at least acknowledged that your annoyance is unreasonable!

      The Captain has been dealing with a lot this month, including a major computer crash which she has posted about . It’s only been a month since the last post with comments on. I am glad she is able to take the time to post at all! And that she is setting the boundaries she needs.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Shrug, it’s not like I know her personally – it’s not meant to be any sort of insult to her character or anything. We all have things that annoy us, and I just like reading comments.

    7. Ellen*

      There is always the Friends of Captain Awkward forum that has a thread for comments about letters. I’ve been hoping that CA commenters would just migrate over there, but I haven’t noticed much of an uptick in activity.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Those forums require you to register to even see the threads, let alone post. I’m someone who reads a lot more places than I comment, and am willing to comment more places than I am willing to create an account (I comment on several blogs, but only have one forum where I have an active account right now). I read CA fairly regularly, I think I’ve commented once, but I’m not going to go through an entire sign-up process before I can see the tone of the place I’m signing up for, particularly since I can’t even see how much personal information they collect in the account sign-up process without agreeing to their terms first (I use amount of information required as a key decision point in deciding where I want to make accounts). If they let lurkers read the threads, I might eventually decide if it was my kind of place or not and make an account, but I usually lurk places for at least 6 months or so before I start posting and their set-up is just not conducive to that.

        (To be clear, no one owes me any particular ability to see forum posts or comment on CA posts, but I wanted to give a reason why people might not be migrating to the forums given the lack of open comments on posts.)

      2. Courageous cat*

        Ok I signed up for that forum a long time ago and can’t find anything except meta forum-related threads, nothing about the site or more general topics. I feel like I’m missing a whole section.

        1. Frankie Bergstein*

          It sounds like you’re not logged in — that’s what you can see when you’re not logged in to the forum. When you’re signed up and logged in, you land on a similar-looking home page with a lot of different categories.

    8. valentine*

      Perhaps those of you complaining don’t understand she receives a metric ton of -ist and just general BS, as well as personal attacks of all sorts, and much of it is a repetition. To ask for more is to ask her to risk her life, essentially. I wouldn’t last an hour with the comments she has to delete.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        You can both understand that something sucks and understand why it exists, you know. Everyone agrees that CA can do whatever she likes, and they understand why she feels the need to do it. However, if you take away the participation factor of a website, people are gonna notice and be like “aw, this is less fun.”

    9. Cora*

      It bothers me too – I love reading the comments on her site in particular because of the nature of the subject matter, and because she’s got some great regular commenters! But I get that it’s a ton of work to moderate.

  88. Shiny Flygon*

    So I signed up for YNAB a couple of weeks ago. I have always thought it would revolutionise my spending if I properly committed to it back from when I first heard about it. But back then I was married to someone who refused to take the slightest bit of notice of any budget.

    So it’s going well, and my main quibble with my progress is that once you’ve put your budget in and allocated your money, there isn’t really anything to do other than just keep putting your transactions in! :) However, I got this in an email from them this week and it’s really annoyed me.

    Recognize this: If you continue using YNAB (maybe go check in right now if you haven’t for a few days) for the rest of your trial and another month, and you’re just average, you’ll have saved $600. (Snip) . If you build some solid habits, hold your budget meetings, record your spending when you’re out and about with your phone, and keep that up for a year. Again, if you’re just average you’ll have saved or reduced your debt by $6,000.

    Maths doesn’t work like that!! Even if they’re using the mode for average there, there will still be plenty of people who save less than that!! It’s more than likely they’re using the average-average (can’t remember the official name rn) in which case a few outliers who were massively overspending could well have brought the average up. Take that out and the average could be much lower. And just because you save $600 at first doesn’t mean you’re going to continue to make savings like that. Most people will save a lot at first but this will drop off over time! You can’t continue to save $600 every month continuously.

    I really like the software and the concept but this really bugs me. It’s an abuse of the numbers and quite frankly it makes me want to get the numbers off them and dig down into them myself to see what they really say ;-D

    1. Alex*

      I’m not understanding what you’re saying. “Most people will save a lot at first but this will drop off over time.” Do you mean, month over month? Like, you spent $600 less this month than last month, you can’t again spend another $600 less month over month or else you will eventually get into negative numbers. But I don’t think that’s what they’re saying–more like “the average person who continues to use this program puts $600 a month into savings or towards debt.”

      1. Shiny Flygon*

        It’s the emphasis on just. “If you’re just average you’ll save $600″. It makes it sound like it’s effort based and if you try harder you’ll save even more than average. And I don’t believe that most people can continue to save $600/month that they wouldn’t have saved otherwise over the long term. Some, sure! But that would be 30% of what I earn and I earn pretty close to the median salary in the UK. I don’t buy it.

        1. Dan*

          I’m with Alex, I don’t quite understand what you’re trying to say. Personal Finance is just that — personal. The basics are quite simple — if your expenses exceed your income, you can’t save anything. You don’t need software to tell you that. You don’t even need me to tell you that. But I agree with you that “averages” don’t apply to individual people all that often.

          If your income exceeds your expenditures every month, now we’re talking — there’s money to actually do something with.

          The big psych trick with PF is understanding that just because you *can* buy something, doesn’t mean you *should*. For instance, I make a good salary, but I drive modest cars and don’t buy the latest trick. Why? Because I want to spend my money on other things.

          Most of the time, the real purpose of these electronic budgeting tools is to help you track expenses and understand where your money is going. That’s the first step on the PF train — know what you’re working with.

          The other thing the tools can help with is planning your spending. Why is it that you think $600/mo is unsustainable? I save $3,000 USD per month without breaking a sweat.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            It’s because what people can save varies wildly depending on their income. If someone makes $25K/year, it’s unlikely they can save $600/month and telling them “you can do this if you’re average” at saving comes across as out of touch — and it’s also totally irrelevant to their situation. It’s a weird email.

          2. Shiny Flygon*

            “I make a good salary, but I drive modest cars and don’t buy the latest trick.”
            I mean I make a good salary and I can drive but I don’t own a car because they are money sinks and I can do the vast majority of my travel on public transport, so you’re preaching to the choir there!

            What you save per month is £1000 more than my net salary. I cannot believe you’re average. I have a good job that earns me £3.5k less than the UK median salary; if I worked full time instead of 30 hours I’d exceed the median so I’m not poor.

            Going to stop now.

            1. Dan*

              I’m about average for my geographic location, but nationally, higher than average. But my area is an HCOL area, so by definition, things are way more expensive than they are elsewhere. I save what I do but I also rent, because housing coasts are ridiculously high, so it’s a tradeoff. So for me, “national” averages for pretty much every category are pointless.

              I think there are a couple of reasons why these financial services things give you “averages”. One is a nudge factor — they want people to know that a little goes a long way. The second is people may have no idea what “normal” expenses are, say if they’re trying to cut back spending and don’t know where to start.

              I think what Alex and I were reacting to wasn’t the raw numbers per se (admittedly, they’re different for everybody) but the idea that people can’t save a decent amountn of money for an extended period of time. You had something like “oh it’s easy for people to save $600 for a couple of months, but that savings plan won’t last. They’ll fall off at some point.” I certainly don’t believe that to be true… the trick is to find some amount of money that you *can* save and stick to in the long run, even if it isn’t “average”.

          3. ThatGirl*

            Yeah many people don’t make enough to save $600 a month, much less $3k. Geez, my take home salary only got over $3k a month in the last few years.

        2. Alex*

          Maybe there’s a regional disconnect here. I think YNAB is US-based, and so these averages are probably based on US norms. Also…are you converting that $600 to pounds? Because $2000 a month is a pretty low income for many areas in the US at least–it’s less than minimum wage where I live, for 40 hours of work a week. Most US professional jobs pay significantly more than that.

          1. Shiny Flygon*

            Of course I converted it. Are you talking net or gross? I’m talking net. Also, see what Alison said; if you’re earning $25k you’re highly unlikely to be able to save $600/month.

          2. Shiny Flygon*

            And I’m a fair way above minimum wage. I think my salary is higher than the median even though I work 30 hours a week.

            …we have Pay As You Earn here so all my income tax and pension is taken off before it hits my bank account, fwiw.

    2. Gatomon*

      Yes, the emails they send are terrible. Maybe they have actual data to back this up, but it has always read to me like they assume the target audience has a high amount of income each month but is just frittering it away on wasteful things like avocado toast.

      I actually need to go check for alternatives again, my subscription renews in a few days.

      1. Shiny Flygon*

        Yes that’s how it’s coming across to me. Also I don’t have any debt and they seem to presume everyone does at the start.

    3. JamieS*

      If you don’t have the data they use then how can you possibly know whether or not it’s accurate or an “abuse of the numbers?”

      Sounds like you’re just taking a generic email way too personal and reading more into it than intended. Not everything is intended as a potshot.

        1. JamieS*

          No it doesn’t. That’s what you’re choosing to read into it. The messaging is “here are the averages.”

          1. fhqwhgads*

            FWIW, when I initially read the original comment I was confused because I thought the message was saying that based on the data they already had from the commenter, their algorithms had indicated if they did “average” things using that platform, that’s where they’d land. It was only from the subsequent discussion that I realized the message was theoretically saying “average across everyone who uses this platform is X”. It’s also an oddly worded message to send – having nothing to do with reading into it – because they literally have her data. They know if their “average” number is 1/3 her income before they send it. Segmentation is a thing. It does not make sense to send the same message to every user. It’s lazy marketing.

    4. Parenthetically*

      This is one of the things that actually puts me off budgeting programs/systems/apps altogether, the constant message that not having enough money is basically because you spend too much on nonessentials, that if you just cut back on Starbucks and never drive a new car, you can sort of automatically save thousands a year. I lived the first ten years of my life in my current city making under $20k/year. We currently bring home JUST over that, and we have a toddler and another baby on the way soon. There’s literally no universe in which we can save $600/mo because we like, you know… eating. And not having our power cut off.

      1. valentine*

        the constant message that not having enough money is basically because you spend too much on nonessentials, that if you just cut back on Starbucks and never drive a new car, you can sort of automatically save thousands a year.
        This is it right here and I’m surprised at the responses. There are no lattes or other “splurges.” They should just say, “Poor people don’t interact.”

    5. WellRed*

      On a related note, articles about how people manage to knock out thousands of debt in a short period of time. Yes, I too could find an extra $2k a month to throw at debt if I gave up my penthouse, traded in the Benz for a bus pass, etc. :/

  89. MMB*

    I decided that I need to get a handle on my overstuffed storage unit and my Kindle addiction. I pulled out a random box marked “suspense k-w”. One box down and 22 new\old books to read. Score!

  90. Sob Story*

    Crazy story…

    I was in love with someone winter last year, but I didn’t have my life together. I couldn’t find a job, I had to find a new apt in 3 days. I’d been broke for so long I had no clothing other than basic work clothes and gym clothes. I hadn’t gotten my hair done in a year. I was insecure and ashamed of being seen.

    So… it didn’t work out between us. He clearly liked me, but I was too anxious that the best I could do wasn’t the best I could do. Sometimes that translated to anger and I regret so often I didn’t act better.

    He stopped seeing me. And started dating someone else.

    A few month later, I was fired from my job and my roommate tried to sexually assault me, so I was broke and homeless —AGAIN — but also heartbroken. I decided I needed to leave town because I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t go on social media anymore either.

    Two seasons later, living with a friend in a new city… I find out he died unexpectedly from a medical condition.

    It’s been a few months and I see his ex-gfs insta. I think before… I was hyper judgmental because he seemed sad. But seeing hers, I feel like they were good for each other and I’m glad she was with him in his final days.

    1. Shiny Flygon*

      Oh my god! So hard for everyone concerned. I’m glad it seems they were good for each other.

  91. MOAS*

    After a many-year hiatus I baked a cake yesterday. My “trademark” fresh fruit cream cake. It’s basically yellow or vanilla cake with cool whip topping and fruits decoration. My husband loves it. It tastes great but looks like something that should be featured on Cakewrecks. Basically when I baked it, against my better judgment I filled the pan more htan halfway which caused spillage. And then the bottom of the cake was too moist, I think I did not grease it properly.
    Then the cake came out lopsided.

    Whatever, it tasted good.

    1. Lost in the Woods*

      Frankly that’s the appeal of some desserts. My mom bakes a peach pie that’s essentially the consistency of stew inside a pastry crust about 1/3 of the time, but it still tastes amazing. She always bemoans when it comes out soup, but it’s the taste of my childhood in summer and the top is always flaky and cinnamony, and it’s delightful.

      1. OtterB*

        On the subject of pie that fell apart when you tried to take a slice out of the pan, my father used to quote his father as saying “You can’t eat it all in one piece anyway.”

  92. Teacher Lady*

    What are some of your favorite personal care/grooming products that come in environmentally friendly packaging? I’m trying to reduce my use of single-use plastics, and I’m currently focusing on my bathroom. So far I have switched to bar soap for my face and body, and I have shampoo bars for when my current bottle of shampoo gets used up. I’m in the market for face and body moisturizers, and for cosmetics brands that offer less-plasticky packaging. Share your favorites, please!

    1. Teacher Lady*

      Oh, and hair styling! I nearly always wear my hair pulled back and use just a bit of gel to smooth stray hairs.

  93. I Must Be Wrong*

    I can’t imagine screaming at someone and calling them rude because when I said “How’s it going, sweetie?” to someone on the sidewalk they didn’t respond. Yet — it happens everyday.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Not sure I follow… are you saying “How’s it going, sweetie?” to strangers? And getting frustrated if they don’t respect? Because if you are, don’t do that.

      1. I Must Be Wrong*

        No — they’re saying it to me and I ignore it so they yell at me and tell me I’m rude.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Then keep ignoring them. It’s not pleasant, but don’t give them the satisfaction of responding. It sucks, for sure, but personally I have found that any response is worse than pretending you can’t hear them. Besides, a stranger thinks you’re rude? Let ’em and go on about your business.

  94. Teal*

    Teal Pumpkin Project Question

    This is my first time having Trick or Treaters in 10 years! I bought candy, chocolate and non-chocolate, but remembered some kids have allergies beyond chocolate and nuts. I bought stickers but only have 30 sheets to give out. I could cut them in half to have 60, but I’m debating.

    I don’t have a teal pumpkin (I’ll buy it after this Halloween, hopefully on sale at Target) and I’m putting up a printed sign from food allergy dot org instead. My question is, are kids or parents going to tell me that they want the non-food treat?

    Also, generally, is it stingy to give out one piece of candy? I only bought a bag of 250 treats and I anticipate 200 kids, but I’m really not sure how many kids come to this neighborhood. The neighbors I talked to also moved less a year ago so no one knows.

    Easy answer, but more of everything, but I’m being budget conscious at the moment. Thoughts?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have given out just toys and stickers for quite a while. I get my stuff from Oriental Trading Company. They have a website or you can get their catalog in the mail.

      We used to get just over 200 here. In the last few years it has gone down to just over 100. It’s supposed to rain here this year so maybe about 70?
      Whatever guess I make I am usually wrong.
      Give out one if you feel you need to do that. That is what I do here, if I think it’s going to be a busy night, then I just allow one. It’s a guess, there’s no real way to know.

      I have had my own version of the sticker dilemma. Go ahead and cut them in half to stretch them. You can always tell the kids to take two, but it’s real awkward to say, “Wait a minute while I cut this.” Once cut in half they can be given out as one or in pairs.

      I’d avoid the food allergy discussion entirely by just announcing to each kid or group of kids that they can have a piece of candy or a sticker. If their parents are with them the parents will chime in, “Oh look, Joey! Stickers! That is so cool!”

      One serious reason to consider shortening your speil is because if you get 200 kids inside of a few hours there really is NO time for longer explanations of what you are doing. I have looked up and found 17 kids on my porch at one clip. It gets quite busy making sure each person has something.

      Around here some people just leave a cheap plastic bowl full of candy outdoors. When the candy is gone that is it. If some one steals it all, oh well. For my own boundaries I turn my light out earlier than I used to. After working all day and handing out candy for 2-3 hours I am pooped.

      Have fun, the kids are a blast. I’ m not good at being a kid person and I have lots of fun. And the parents are very cool to watch also- there’s clever costumes and there’s endearing moments.

      1. valentine*

        One mini chocolate would seem stingy. One full-size bar would make you a hero. But they can just hit more houses.

        1. fposte*

          I wish they sold bags of intermediate-size bars. I bought bags because they’re easier but the eensy weensy candies in them are ridiculous. I’m going to be like “Take at least 5” to everybody.

            1. Teal*

              The little mini snickers squares really are criminal. WHY? Who is satisfied with just one of those? Is this a candy bar for ants?

              I got the fun size bars. Meh. I second some intermediate sized bars. I am almost just looking forward to next year so I’ll have a more accurate guess.

              I think I could even cut the sheets in thirds, as each sheet has 30 stickers. Some of them are so cute, but I’m telling myself these are for the children!

              Also, I swear Apple updates makes autocorrect go haywire. I wrote “buy” and it autocorrected to “but” 5 seconds later. Girl, I wrote what I wrote.

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Around here, the houses are close together, there are plenty of sidewalks, and it’s flat. Kids can accumulate enough candy in an hour of trick-or-treating to easily last until Christmas, so I don’t worry about giving out small portions.

          This year I planned ahead and bought a bunch of cheap spiky sensory rings online, so I’m giving those out instead of candy for all kids. I figure most of the kids will need something to fidget with for a week or so after Halloween from all of the sugar, excitement, and schedule disruption even if they’re not regular fidgeters. I meant to get some teal spraypaint so I could make a teal pumpkin, but that was not the weekend I had. Oh well. I’ve never seen those “in the wild” in my neighborhood anyway, so I don’t know that the local families would know to look for it. I hope I bought enough – it’s my third year in the neighborhood and I got wildly different numbers of kids the past two years.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        We only get a few kids and my dogs are knock-reactive, so unless it’s unseasonably warm, I put the bowl of candy out with a creepy mannequin and a sign that says “Please only take 2-3 pieces of candy. If you spoil it for everyone else, Lurch will get mad!”

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      I recommend cutting the sticker sheets in half. Maybe even quarters, depending on the size. Kids are used to getting a single sticker at places like the doctor’s office and the grocery store. I give out pencils as a non-food treat. The kids love them and don’t really realize they aren’t meant for everyone. I tend to buy enough candy so each kid can have 2 pieces and many kids want to take a pencil and a piece of candy. I haven’t come up with a way to communicate that kids should only take a pencil if they can’t have the candy, so I just buy extra pencils. I keep meaning to only offer non-food treats, but I always forget to order in time. It would be nice thought, since they never go stale and there’s no temptation to eat them. A neighbor of mine hands out glow sticks every year.

      I don’t think offering a single piece of candy is stingy at all. Kids get so much candy at Halloween and year-round. And the non-food treats aren’t cheap like the candy is. Do what you’re able to do. It’s very thoughtful of you to want to offer something for everyone.

  95. Ali G*

    PSA!!!
    Sur La Table has Staub and Le Crueset on big sale. I got a 5 qt Staub dutch oven for $200!!

  96. CoastEast*

    Based on recent experience, I have decided to assemble a list of What people REALLY want to do when they return from deployment (because its overwhelming to pay $800+ for a ticket home/get carted around to see all your friends and family in a span of a few days). If you’ve got someone coming home for the holidays this year, this may help explain if they don’t seem too eager to go to every family get together or to drive to every holiday party.
    Generally, they’ve been looking forward to….
    -Showers without flip flops on
    -Leaving clothes on their floor (because, ugh, 7 months of inspections)
    -Just. Be barefoot. For once.
    -Eat real food
    -Eat vegetables not from a can (see above)
    -Eat food that doesn’t say “FOR INSTITUTIONAL USE ONLY” (see above and above)
    -Cook something with their own hands (again, above)
    -Sleep, nap, and then snooze
    -See their S/O
    -Go to a Massage parlor (mine is scheduled approximately 2 hours after deployment ends)
    -Have a couple hours of actually being alone
    -Have a couple hours of being surrounded by non-work people
    -Enjoy a conversation that *doesn’t* included what a “hero” they are/focuses on other people in the family
    -All the media they’ve missed out on

    Obviously this only pertains to me and people I’ve talked to but I feel like it should be out there!

    2. Teal*

      Welcome back (you or your family or friend)!

      My husband is at OCS at the moment, but was just on deployment and was lucky to come for a week between.

      I second all this. He wanted to eat and nap and generally not leave the house. Massages were also discussed, but he had no energy really and wanted to rest up before OCS.

      1. CoastEast*

        Thank you! I wish your husband luck at OCS, I hear it can be a doozy!

        The massage would definitely be out of the question normally but my S/O can’t meet me until hours after the first “celebrations” of returning home, so I decided to treat myself while waiting!

      1. CoastEast*

        Toast, that’s an interesting idea! Almost every time I googled for deployment help it was blog posts from spouses/non-deployed POV. It would probably be helpful to get a few veteran opinions on the subject out there, too!

        2. Teal*

          Yes! This would be really nice. I find my many spouses write sugarcoated or unrealistic or sanctimonious posts. I have found the reintegration posts okay, but I would to see service members from all ranks write more.

          I’d love to read about thoughts on deployment too (combat, non-combat, stateside, etc.). What are you really thinking about during these times and how your family and friends can best help.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Welcome back. Second the idea of a book or at least a good blog post. Lots of us family are well meaning, but no idea… it would be welcomed. I’m sure there are lots of viewpoints, but you are adding a real voice here!

  97. Erin*

    Just finished this book and I loved it!! Amazing!! Thanks for the recommend!!

    Sorry for all of the exclamation points!!

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