weekend free-for-all – November 2-3, 2019

by Alison Green on November 2, 2019

a beautiful cat named Olive looks upThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Dreamers, by Karen Thompson Walker. A college student falls asleep and can’t be roused — and what seems to be a virus spread through the town, leaving people seemingly permanently asleep, while others struggle to deal with the outbreak. That sounds like horror, but it’s not; it’s strangely and beautifully done.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Lehigh*

    What is the etiquette around using an accessible bathroom stall if you do not have a handicap but it is more comfortable?

    I’m pregnant, and I’m noticing that in some (not all!) public restrooms the usual toilets are awfully low. It’s not like I *can’t* get up and down from them, but it’s starting to be uncomfortable. Is it okay to just go for the big stall (with often a higher toilet and/or handrails), or is that considered gauche if there are regular stalls open?

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      The thing is, although it’s hard for you to use a standard stall, you still can. If you tie up an accessible stall then you might inadvertently make life really very difficult indeed for someone who can’t use a standard stall – whom you might not see while you’re in there, and whose disability might not be visible to you anyway.

      I think that it isn’t a question of being gauche, but *exclusionary*, to block the use by those for whom a facility was intended.

      Pregnancy can be disabling (GD, PGP, etc) in which case absolutely use the facilities that level the playing field. But if you’re just unwieldy and tired and needing to pee more often … well then maybe we should all be campaigning to improve ALL bathroom facilities with wider stalls, hand rails or ledges, increased numbers of stalls, and so on.

      1. Target Shopper*

        I am currently pregnant with my third child. I’ve used the larger stall when needed during all my pregnancies. For some, it was necessary earlier than others due to how I carried, how big my belly was, joint pain, etc. I’ve yet to have anyone have an issue, and have had other women direct me there when in a bathroom line because it is easier, and frankly, safer, to use the one with rails. I just am considerate and go quickly so as not to tie up the stall longer than necessary. But I do that in all bathroom stalls, I don’t want to hang out there longer than I need to!

      2. StrikingFalcon*

        Actually, as someone with an invisible disability, I would like to push back on the idea that accessibility is only for people who cannot possibly do the thing without it. “It’s hard for me to get up from a regular toilet stall” is a valid reason to use a stall with grab bars. Ability is a spectrum, it can vary over time, and people should feel free to make their lives more comfortable without meeting some arbitrary standard. Don’t hold up the stall playing games on your phone, and if someone behind you in line is in a wheelchair, maybe offer to let them go first if you can, but otherwise go ahead and use the stall, Lehigh.

          1. valentine*

            if the accessible stall makes a difference for you then use it!
            Right. The stall’s there for you. Use it.

        3. Drn*

          Yes. The idea that an accessible stall is only for people who absolutely can’t use a regular one is deeply troubling to me.

      3. Parenthetically*

        “If you tie up an accessible stall”

        The point of an accessible stall is that it’s accessible to more people than a standard stall, not that it’s exclusively for the use of people with diagnosed disabilities. When we’re talking about a 2-minute pee break, it’s silly to make it a competition among my elderly grandma, a very pregnant lady, someone who uses a wheelchair, and someone with fibromyalgia.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Yeah. I don’t think I agree that a pee break is making life “very difficult” for anyone at all.

        2. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

          +1. I wouldn’t think twice about a pregnant woman coming out of the accessible stall – that’s a person that stall is also meant to assist, in my opinion. (Granted, I tend not to think twice about *anyone* coming out of an accessible stall, which is maybe my own privilege showing as I don’t have a disability or other condition that requires one, and I don’t want to make anyone with an invisible illness/disability feel they have to “prove” it to “deserve” the stall.)

        3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          There should definitely be more accessible stalls so that there doesn’t need to be a competition. I was thinking of a particular teenager with continence issues – she is very vocal about use of the accessible stalls even for two minutes, because often she can’t wait for two more minutes. She gets upset about having to go home to clean up because a stall which is almost always unoccupied is being used by someone who could wait to use a standard stall. Her experiences definitely colour my opinion on this.

          Lehigh described a situation where there are standard stalls available that she could use, as well as an accessible stall that she would prefer. I would generally encourage people to use the standard stalls if they can, but I’m not going to question someone’s need: if you say you need it, I’ll believe you.

          When I was at my most pregnant, the greatest difficulty with public toilets came with getting through the door – in the UK they tend to open into the stall, so you often have to contort yourself around the toilet paper or sanitary bin or the bowl itself to be able to get the door shut. That said, I never found public toilets any closer to the ground than domestic toilets, whereas I did find the toilets low in general when visiting the US, so it may be a problem that varies by geography.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Because a stall which is almost always unoccupied is being used by someone who could wait to use a standard stall.
            But she doesn’t actually know that the person didn’t need the handicapped stall. Or could have easily just waited in line for the regular stall, while the handicapped stall sat empty, and would have had no problem. It’s not like the sudden desperate need for a toilet right now only strikes those in wheelchairs.

            1. Alexandra Lynch*

              Yeah, I have urge incontinence, and I can walk okay, despite the arthritis and other issues. I will be using the first toilet available to avoid having to go home and change, myself, and I’m not going to apologize for this.

          2. Strikingfalcon*

            But I honestly don’t think the point of accessible stalls is to be left open for people who are incontinent. And your teenage friend CAN’T actually tell if the person who is coming out needs it or not, or could use one of the other stalls. Disabilities aren’t always visible. Incontinence is awful, and I’m sorry she has to deal with it, but it’s not a reasonable expectation that a stall will be immediately available for any one person in a public restroom, let alone the accessible stall. And I say that as someone with both a history of Crohn’s disease and a mobility disorder. The accessible stalls are there for anyone to use, and I would like to live in a world with a lot less judging about whether I really NEED to be using accessibility features when I don’t have my cane or wheelchair with me. These features are there to be used! Let’s not debate whether any given need is more valid than another’s. If it makes no difference for you which stall you use, then sure, it’s polite to use the other stalls first if the bathroom is not busy. But accessible bathrooms, ramps, lifts, those motorized carts at the grocery store – they don’t need to be reserved only for people who are Disabled Enough (TM). Anyone who can benefit from them is free to use them.

          3. Lilysparrow*

            I think the conversation you should have with your teenage friend is about making assumptions about other people’s invisible disabilities, and how they are exactly as valid as her own.

            Unless she is the doctor or caregiver for the other person, has no idea whether they “could have” waited or “could have” used a standard stall.

          4. Observer*

            Your friend has NO IDEA whatsoever whether the person coming out of the stall could have waited or not. Does she really think that everyone with incontinence issues is also visibly disabled? Is she unaware that even otherwise healthy people can have a day where they need to go NOW or have to go home to clean themselves up?

            Also, it really is not reasonable to expect people to leave a stall always empty in case someone with incontinence shows up. Buildings generally have a number of stalls based on the occupancy. Even if the building have the required number of stalls (and you would be surprised at how many do not), leaving one stall always unoccupied because there MIGHT be someone in the building who MIGHT need the stall right now, means effectively putting the building below the number needed for reasonable access to the toilet. Telling someone who could really benefit from the stall that it’s wrong for them to use it because someone dealing with incontinence might need it some time is really, really not reasonable.

              1. SB*

                Please don’t. I realise you might not meant to “sound” so harsh (and also, English is not my mothertongue, so I might be reading it to hard), However: As a person with incontinence problems (#1 and #2, caused by a – in my case invisible, yet serious – Spina Bifida condition), even though I need to wear those pads, I will do everything I can not to soil them. It is one of the most humiliating things to happen.
                So, perhaps don’t just say “ah well, incontinent pads should just do it for you” when a person is suffering from incontinence and in dire need to go to the toilet.

                That being said, of course OP can use an accessible stall in her situation. Being pregnant can cause serious back troubles so to me it is a “legitimate” use of the stall.

                (Btw: I am very grateful that my Spina Bifida condition is not that severe and that it is invisible to most people, it does suck to get glares from others when I enter or leave an accessible stall)

          5. Heiblinger*

            It sounds like that teenager needs some education on not judging other people’s invisible disabilities, not making assumptions, and on what are reasonable expectations to have on accessibility. Hopefully you are in a position to provide some of that or point her in the right direction.

            Because at present, it sounds as if she is not being reasonable. And therefore it’s not reasonable for you to base your responses on her feelings.

          6. SB*

            I get that she can’t wait for 2 minutes in certain situations. I have SB and yes, when I feel I need to go to the bathroom it has to be now (it is also one of the reasons I really have to time-manage my “toilet breaks” when I am out, and be mindful of what I drink. All the while hoping that I don’t get any “accidents” caused by other factors. like sudden illness, or to many bumps or temperature changes, etc.)
            However 1/3 women and 1/4 will have incontinence problems in their lives. Most of the time it is temporally , but even then it sucks for those persons. So perhaps she should realise that she is far from the only person that suffers from it.

        4. Falling Diphthong*

          Especially if only one of those people is actually in the bathroom heading for the handicapped stall, and the others are all purely hypothetical people not attempting to use this public restroom at the moment.

        5. Traffic_Spiral*

          ” it’s silly to make it a competition among my elderly grandma, a very pregnant lady, someone who uses a wheelchair, and someone with fibromyalgia.”

          Sounds like a great battle royale.

      4. Anonymous For This*

        Hiya, I used to only be able to use the accessible stalls and it’s likely to come to that again. Those stalls are there for whomever needs them. I can’t speak for anybody else, but personally I am 1000% fine with a pregnant person using them and don’t need them to justify it.

      5. Ugh*

        “But if you’re just unwieldy and tired and needing to pee more often … well then maybe we should all be campaigning to improve ALL bathroom facilities with wider stalls, hand rails or ledges, increased numbers of stalls, and so on.”

        And in the meantime before these universally accessible stalls arrive, pregnant women are supposed to do what, exactly? This is unrealistic and quite sanctimonious. I think it’s utterly ridiculous to be telling people that yes, their current physical condition means that they have a real need for accessible stalls but they aren’t allowed to use them because it’s not for the right reasons.

        I mean, what, is it because their need isn’t real because it’s not permanent? (In which case anyone, for example, with a broken leg in a cast should be barred from the accessible stall because hey, it’ll come off eventually?) Is it because they aren’t in wheelchairs, in which case everyone with an invisible disability or are otherwise disabled but non-wheelchair-users should get in line? Or are we just expecting mothers to start self-sacrificing before the kid is even born?

    2. Flash Bristow*

      If you need it please use it. I say that as a physically disabled person who gets peed off when I wait for ages then two giggly girls come out, champagne in hand, obviously having been doing drugs in there…

      But I recognise that not all disabilities are visible, and also you don’t need a permanent condition… If it’s what you need right then, I say use it. If I was queuing and saw you come out I’d have no qualms at all, I’d probably nod and say hi as we swapped places.

      Particularly in a pub I’m thinking of where the ladies is down some very tricky stairs.

      Just don’t leave it messy and all is cool! Please don’t worry about it. It’s a need thing, so you need it? You use it.

        1. Ethyl*

          I’m not sure why you put scare quotes around “ladies,” as that’s a perfectly acceptable way to refer to the women’s restroom in many English-speaking places.

        2. Flash Bristow*

          That was the point… People might not look disabled, but be unable to manage the stairs so they need the accessible loo.

    3. Zephy*

      I think if you’re worried about someone seeing and judging you for using the accessible stall, that hypothetical person can also see that you’re pregnant, and that is likely going to be enough for you to get a “pass,” and if anyone’s gauche enough to ask you do have a need for the higher toilet and handrails. Even in the future when you’re not pregnant, though, you’re probably fine. I think the only situation where you’d want to not use the accessible stall is if there’s a line and you’re ahead of someone with a more obviously visible disability (i.e. a person that uses a wheelchair or other mobility aid) – then you might worry about coming across poorly to others.

      It’s not the same kind of situation as an accessible parking spot; you’re not camping out in the accessible stall all day, just a few minutes.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I think Zephy hit on a few key points here. First, the stall is not a parking spot, it’s not set aside ONLY for those who need it; also, if there were a line of people, the accessible stall would be used by anyone next in line. And in that latter case, a person who needed the accessible stall would still expect to wait in line for it.

        So, Leigh, it sounds like you do need it, and it’s not a contest as to who needs it most. Don’t wait until you hurt yourself or need help trying to get up off a regular toilet, go ahead and use the accessible stall!

        1. Beatrice*

          I think if I were in line, though, and someone behind me had a visible disability that obviously required the accessible stall, and the accessible stall became available, I’d let them go ahead of me and take it, rather than wait and pass on several available standard stalls while they waited for me to finish.

          1. Beatrice*

            Thinking about that more, though, I’m not sure if that’s a courtesy thing in my head, or a “keeping the line moving efficiently” thing.

          2. LilySparrow*

            Yes, that’s the normal thing to do IME. If someone urgently needs the accessible stall for an invisible reason, they can ask. Or if it’s a visible reason, people will often offer to let them go ahead.

    4. Laura H.*

      While pregnancy isn’t a disability, (and I’ve never been pregnant but I imagine it would affect balance among other things- because shifting center of gravity as pregnancy progresses) I totally understand the need for more room and no lie, as a disabled person, handrails have definitely saved me a few meetings with the floor.

      Just be mindful that you’re not the only one who needs it and as quick and safe as you can. (That goes for everybody using a public bathroom I think.)

      I’ll gripe and grumble privately, but for the most part- I know I’m likely not the only one who needs the ADA stall.

      What I wanna know is WHY it’s always at the back/ farthest point of the bathroom….

      1. Llellayena*

        The HC stall is at the back because the door is required to swing out to leave enough clearance inside. If it’s the last stall then the door can swing against the wall rather than swinging into the walk path.

        And the HC stall is not reserved only for HC people, though it’s polite to be sure no one else needs it immediately when you do. If you’ve got to go, go! I wish we could design bathrooms with 50% HC stalls because more people need them than the code expects. Oh well, it’s a goal.

          1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

            Yes, +1 on ratios!

            I’m also with CCP on ratios of women’s bathrooms to men’s – so often it’s 1:1 even though for a dozen good reasons women take longer so 2:1 would be fairer. Imagine a world where every public women’s bathroom were increased by five accessible stalls … !

        1. Laura H.*

          Ah good point on that too. But I’ve seen some grab bars installed on the stall partition walls (rarer though)

    5. Marzipan*

      I am very much Team Use It If You Have A Need To Use It. Plenty of people have disabilities or medical conditions which aren’t visible, but which may be much more manageable using the accessible toilet rather than a standard stall. I don’t think they should be made to feel uncomfortable about that, and I think you equally have a current need which makes it perfectly reasonable to use it.

    7. Traffic_Spiral*

      I think people generally consider pregnancy a physical disability – I mean, it definitely affects your mobility and your physical capabilities. There’s a reason you are supposed to give up your seat to a pregnant woman, and though that “you can pee in a cop’s helmet” law is actually an urban legend, it’s pretty accepted that pregnant women get priority in any bathroom situation. When it comes to accommodation for disability, you don’t have to 100% *need* it in order to use it. If it helps, use it.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Short answer: If it’s physically helpful for you to use the stall, that should be enough reason. You don’t have to pass a handicapped-enough test to use stalls, ramps, automatic doors, etc.

      Longer: I would apply the same rule as when there’s a line–if someone who needs the wheelchair stall comes in, they go to the front for that stall. But you don’t have to leave it sitting empty just in case a person with a wheelchair were to arrive in the immediate future.

      My children are well into their walking years, but I’m still a bit salty that people with strollers in the US are supposed to simultaneously NOT leave the child and stroller outside the stall, where they will undoubtedly be instantly kidnapped and you’re a terrible parent, but it’s also terrible to take the stroller into the only stall big enough because what if there’s a person with a wheelchair who enters the bathroom while you’re in there? Also the baby changing tables are in there, but this factor is not allowed to weigh on your decision.

      1. HBJ*

        +1 to everything, especially your last paragraph.

        And as I mentioned downthread, I was in a Fred Meyer/Kroger (read: a huge national chain, not some one/off mom and pop) that had a toddler seat built into the wall of the handicapped stall with a harness so they could be secured while the parent goes.

        Handicapped stalls are very obviously nowadays being designed as a pseudo family bathroom as well as a handicap stall with seats like this and changing tables being placed there.

        1. Lilysparrow*

          I think the reasoning is like the airline boarding announcement: Anyone who needs extra time (space) or assistance.

          Which is all the more reason to make more of them available.

          1. HBJ*

            Yup, I wish there were more family restrooms. I’ve been to a lot of places where there is a family restroom, but it’s locked, and you have to request a key. Inevitably, the bathroom is at the back of the store, which means I have to go all the way to the front to request it at the counter. Nope, I’m not going to drag my children all the way to the front and then back again. That does not work when potty training! I just use the regular bathroom, and then they assume people don’t need it when it’s actually that they’ve made it too hard to use. :|

      2. Observer*

        Well, there are bathrooms where the changing table is not in ANY stall, which you would think is the standard.

        But, yes to the rest of your paragraph. We can be really, really weird about this stuff.

      3. Flash Bristow*

        As a disabled person it drives me crackers when the accessible toilet and the baby change are combined. Longer queues and the smell of nappies… Many places do both (the accessible loo locked with a RADAR lock) and it works fine, so….

        [Do people outside the UK have or know about RADAR locks? If not – they’re a standard lock fitted to accessible toilets, and disabled people can get a copy of the key to work it. There’s always one available (behind the bar or whatever) to those who need it but don’t have one, but it stops chancers. Until I recommended that they fit one, the ground floor accessible loo that I mentioned earlier was used by drunk people who couldn’t be bothered to go downstairs, and they left it in a disgusting state. It’s a good scheme.]

        On the subject of who is “disabled enough” – I once went to a gig and came out at the end to find huge queues for all the toilets and many people had queued for the only one I could use.

        So I went along the queue in my wheelchair saying loudly “sorry, is there anyone here who doesn’t actually need the disabled toilet?” Lo and behold the queue fell back and I was invited to go next.

        I was very polite, you know “oh thank you” “are you sure?” “Thanks, I wouldn’t ask but you know…?” And careful not to presume – although they all looked “normal” (if there is such a thing!) But it worked. And good, I was bursting!

        So instead of judging who *does* need it, do they *look* disabled, blah blah, just ask politely if there’s anyone who *doesn’t* need it and could go elsewhere. If people stay in the queue and/or ignore me, well it’s not up to me to judge so I take them at their word.

        There’s no offence caused, but you get to use the toilet that you need as early as is possible.

        [BTW When I’ve had to go Right Now… or to clean up urgently, I’ve just gone to the front and said “I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t ask but I absolutely cannot wait… May I go next?” and I find people are kind and understanding but also honest if the answer is “sorry, no!”

        In the UK we have a card you can show, which says “Just Can’t Wait! The holder of this card has a medical condition which means they need to use the toilet urgently”. It’s from bladder and bowel dot com. Although it’s not widely known, when shown to someone it tends to be acknowledged and work quite well (according to one person who visited California, it worked there too.) Maybe see if there are any schemes like this in your own area, or even make your own? It can be shown discreetly without having to advertise your need.]

        1. Ethyl*

          “Do people outside the UK have or know about RADAR locks?”

          Nope, in the US, handicap accessible stalls are generally installed in the same restrooms as regular stalls. Further, as mentioned by other posters, they are counted as toilet stalls for building code purposes and count towards the total number of stalls required based on occupancy. So in the US, at least, they are regarded as open and available to everyone.

          I wonder if this is where some of the disconnect is coming from between “never ever use an accessible stall if you don’t have to” and “it’s fine.”

        2. Grapey*

          I was once waiting in a long queue at a stadium event and a woman in a wheelchair got in line behind me. Many people offered to let her go but she just joked “my legs are broken, not my bladder. I’ll wait for the big stall when I get up there. Just avoid it if you think you’ll take awhile.”

          That said I would still offer if I see anyone that visibly needs the big stall.

    9. Jenny*

      A handicapped stall is not like a handicapped parking space. If someone comes in needing it, sure let them go first. But there is nothing bad about using an open bathroom stall if you aren’t handicapped. At large events people always just use the next open stall, but give priority to people who can only use that stall if they come in.

    10. FuzzFrogs*

      Go for the big one; you deserve to have an easy time in the bathroom. If not for the small chance that you’d fall, but even just for the chance that you’ll do any number of things I’ve done in the bathroom, including having toilet paper fly out of your hand, spilling your purse everywhere cause you stumbled, tripping on your pants leg and accidentally soaking it in the “puddle” on the floor, jamming your knee into the tampon disposal box and realizing someone’s shoved poo-streaked socks in there, etc.

      1. Zephy*

        I’m fat, so I usually go for the accessible stall just because the door swings outward and it’s easier to get in and out of the stall at all, let alone do what I need to do in there. There are several places near me that have built their regular bathroom stalls extremely efficiently – the stall is probably 20″ wide, which is maybe 2 inches wider than the door; the toilet is exactly as far away from the door as said door is wide; and said door swings inward for some incomprehensible reason.

        1. Overeducated*

          I recently got stuck in a work bathroom stall because of the door swinging inward, and scraped my very sensitive stretched out stomach on the latch getting out. For the remaining 2 weeks of my pregnancy I used the HC if it was available….

        3. nonegiven*

          I’m finding regular stalls too narrow, now, because the napkin disposal on one side and the enormous tp dispenser on the other means that I can no longer get my legs apart enough to blot myself with the tp.

        4. Diamond*

          I’m very thin and some of those inward swinging doors are still difficult for me to squeeze around. I don’t *really* want to squish my whole body up against the walls of a public toilet cubicle…

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      In our building, the bathrooms were were obviously designed by the Marquis de Sade. The regular stalls are so small with bind & psper dispensers so poorly placed that a size 12 not-pregnant woman has to go in at an angle and turn twice. Believe me, if our co-worker with cane isn’t coming in behind me, I use the big stall because with vertigo my nightmare is falling in there.
      The oldest bathroom, the accessible stall has the waste disposal bin way above & behind the toilet. And the newest one, the raised seat is mismounted so it slips in to one side when used. I discovered that the hard way when *I* was pregnant, reported it, and just learned the hard way it’s still not fixed 13 years later. New facilities manager this year, I guess I’ll report it again.

      1. Flash Bristow*

        Oh yeah, I hear you! That would drive me crackers too.

        In the local pub’s accessible loo (to which I keep alluding!) the toilet paper is fixed to the wall just behind the toilet in such a way that you can only reach it once you’re actually *on* the loo.

        So when drunk men used to use it and pee all over, there was no way to wipe the seat clean before sitting on it…

        Yes, the pub ticked all the boxes of what technically needed to be delivered, but…! No thought applied to practicalities!

        (I’d go and get someone from the bar to come and clean it for me. This might explain why they were so willing to fit a RADAR lock at my suggestion! Sorry, lovely bar staff…)

    12. Enough*

      You are fine. As others have said it’s not like a parking space. In fact for the building requirements it’s counted toward the total toilets required. Remember if you go somewhere with only one stall it is a handicapped stall. I have a fast food restaurant near me with this set up.

    13. HBJ*

      I use handicap stalls frequently these days. Never if someone else needs them, and I definitely don’t take my sweet time, but I do.

      I have noticed that in a large number of stalls, the regular stall is almost too small for a pregnant woman! I am not an overly large person in general, but I find myself squeezing beside the toilet and sucking in my belly as much as I can and leaning backward over the toilet to get the door closed.

      Now, I’m potty training a child, and again, it’s really hard to squeeze both of us in there. On top of that, nowadays a lot of places are putting child accoutrements in the handicap stall. Changing tables are often there (which I appreciate to protect their privacy). And, I was recently at a store (Fred Meyer/Kroger) that had a small seat that folded down from the wall with a three-point harness so you could corral your toddler while you use the bathroom, and it was in the handicap stall.

    14. fposte*

      Keep in mind that when code figures the required number of bathrooms for a building based on occupancy/use, the accessible bathrooms are included in that number, not added on separately. They’re planned for regular use.

    15. Anon Here*

      I think it completely depends on where and when.

      Are there enough people around that it’s reasonable to assume, statistically speaking, that the stall might be needed by someone who can’t use a narrower one?

      How long do you need to use it for?

      How much of a difference does it make for you?

      There isn’t a firm line between disabled and non-disabled. We all have bodies and no bodies are “normal.” So look at it from a practical angle – how does this affect your body right now and what is the probable/possible impact on other people?

      As long as you’re trying to strike a good balance between being considerate and taking care of yourself, you’re fine. If you do end up causing anyone to wait, just apologize.

      1. StrikingFalcon*

        Nah, that’s too much mental gymnastics. “Does the stall have a feature that makes it easier for you to use?” If yes, then use it. If no, then pick a different stall if one is available. You don’t need to weigh your needs against other people’s hypothetical needs. Unless we’re talking about the bathroom attached to someone’s hospital room (in which case those are for the patients, there are ones for visitors out in the hallway), you can’t know how many people nearby may or may not need that stall or how their need compares to your own.

    16. OperaArt*

      I prefer to use a handicap stall because, in the US, the toilet seat is higher. In my early 60s, no obvious disabilities, but there have been a couple of times I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to get off of a regular public toilet. A higher seat and/or grab bars make it so much easier. Nobody’s business about why I use that stall.

    17. MissDisplaced*

      I think that being largely pregnant, while not a disability, is a valid reason to use the accessible stall.
      Just as in if you had a temporary injury to say, you leg or foot, back, or whatever and it was easier to use the larger accessible stall during that time. That is what they are for, additional accessibility.

      Generally I try not to use them if other stalls are available. And I don’t really like to see that quite a few people use them for changing rooms.

      1. Jackalope*

        I understand the frustration with changing but I will point out (as someone who has to change into and out of bike gear at work every day), it’s not super feasible to change in one of the smaller stalls. I have had my cell phone and badge both fall into the toilet in regular stalls because there wasn’t enough room. I try to change quickly, but it can be really tough in the smaller spaces. (And if the door opens you can see easily into the entire sink area so I can’t just do it iutsiee of a stall.)

      2. Lucette Kensack*

        Nah, changing is totally legit. In most places there is literally nowhere else to change.

        1. Flash Bristow*

          Fair point, but… One place I went, I entered the accessible toilet to find the grab rails used as washing lines – they were absolutely covered in clothing. So was the cistern (so full and bundled was the pile that I’m amazed it hasn’t fallen in!) and the paper dispenser. Basically every flattish surface was covered in casual clothes!

          I tried to be respectful but I had to go Right Then, so I just removed them from anything I had to use – the grab rails mainly – and put them (tidily, carefully) on the floor in a dry corner.

          Not sure what else I was meant to do?

          Sure, change in there before & after shift, but if you must leave clothes in there at least put them in a bag!

      3. Observer*

        Where else are they supposed to change? Our regular stall seem on the better side of design. But if had to change for work, it would just not be possible.

    18. Lilysparrow*

      If you need it, use it. Peek inside the regular stall first to see if they are too low.

      Your center of gravity, daily energy levels, circulation, pressure on nerves, etc is going to continue changing in unpredictable ways. Better to use it than try to “gut it out” and strain your back or fall over on the nasty bathroom floor and injure yourself.

      Other people don’t get to gatekeep whether you are “disabled enough” to use the handrail. The fact that your situation is temporary doesn’t negate your need.

    19. Mike C.*

      If someone needs that extra room, they can use the stall.
      If they don’t need the extra room but every other stall is filled then they can use the stall.

    20. ...*

      Its handicap accessible not handicap exclusive, you can def use it as long as if someone asks you to use it ahead of you you just let them regardless of if they look disabled (might have non visible issues or what not)

    21. Sally Sue*

      Pregnant is not handicapped.
      If your situation does not warrant a handicapped placard for your car, stay out of the handicapped restroom stalls.
      I am someone has multiple medical reasons to need the handicapped stall and am fed up with people who can use the regular stalls in there. This includes able bodied people and moms who take multiple kids in there making those of us who need the tall toilet, extra room and handrails wait an often excruciating amount of time. I witnessed one poor woman have an accident under such conditions. There was no issue of medical necessity, when the lady and her kids exited she said she just liked the big stall better and laughed. There were 3 people waiting for the handicapped stall at this point. She and her kids could have easily used the other stalls and have finished their potty business more quickly.
      Sure, it can be trying to corral the kids to go potty, be glad for healthy bodies that don’t have a medical need for the bigger stall.

      I think all stalls should be bigger, have hand rails and the taller toilets. A couple stalls with standard height toilets for those who would struggle with the tall toilets.

      1. Observer*

        Sorry, there are a lot of legitimate reasons for using the accessible stall that don’t warrant a handicapped placard on your car. Not being eligible for a handicapped placard does NOT equal “healthy body that don’t have a medical need.” Not being able to get up from a lower toilet, or being off balance don’t require placards but they ARE a NEED.

        As for parents with kids, given that people have literally had the police called on them for leaving their kids outside the stall, it’s pretty rich to complain when people take their kids in. And, it’s only possible to do that in the handicapped stall.

        1. Flash Bristow*

          This (to the badge for your car).

          To qualify (for a Blue Badge, in the UK) you basically need a mobility impairment – incontinence saline won’t count.

          Plus it has to be a long term need (plus, it can take longer to get a badge than it does to heal a broken leg, say). I can’t remember the time limit, but you won’t qualify if it’s only (only!) a few months before you’re back to your old self.

          I had a friend whose leg was in traction, screws coming out of the bone attached to a metal stretching device which was increased by something like half a millimetre every fortnight (ouch), but he had an end date on this treatment so he didn’t qualify either… Given how badly he walked I think that was an absolutely disgraceful rule, but anyway.

          Qualifying for a badge should not be the sole criterion on whether you can use an accessible toilet!

      2. HBJ*

        She may have been laughing because she was uncomfortable because she hates to use it in case someone else needs it, but she has no other option and was making a joke.

        You said kids, plural, so I’m assuming she had at least two. I can barely squeeze into many regular stalls (including one in a brand-new, ribbon-cutting-was-two-months-ago, presumambly state-of-the-art building) with one two-year-old, let alone hang up my diaper bag that takes up even more space and then actually be able to unfold her potty seat and crouch in front of her while she goes. (We are not large people.) Physically impossible with multiple children.

      3. Laura H.*

        Handicap stall isn’t handicap only. Again, the only thing you should do is take care of your business as quickly and safely as you can. If that safety aspect includes keeping your kids in sight, the larger, and yes more accessible stall is good for that. Or if you’re changing, or your outfit is a little more complex. Safety matters for all of us, disabled, able bodied, and everywhere in between.

        As an aside, really glad we don’t need placards to use a handicap bathroom. I have a hard time keeping track of the one for my car, and that thing is about brochure- length, and uniquely fluorescent blue!

      4. Parenthetically*

        “moms who take multiple kids in there”

        Look, my options are “take the kids with me into the accessible stall” or “leave MY TODDLERS out in the bathroom ALONE while I pee.” Either way, it’s three minutes tops.

        Accessible stalls are emphatically NOT only for the use of those with medically diagnosed disabilities of the type that get you a placard for your car, by design or by practical use, and it’s exclusionary of a huge swath of society to say “no disabled placard, no accessible stall.”

        1. Perpal*

          Pretty much; I think the poster who did this never tried to get young kids through the bathroom, or understands how stressful it is and how much cleanup can be needed if done wrong; little kids are in their own way not fully able to do a lot of things. Why can’t we tolerate and try to help everyone instead of deciding X and Ys need are not legitimate, but Zs are.

    23. Anon from the Bronx*

      Accessible stalls are handicap *accessible*, not handicap *only*. If you need to use one for your ease or comfort, or even because it’s the only one available when you get there, go right ahead.

      1. Ethyl*

        Yeah I’m pretty surprised at the folks saying you should never use one. In the US, as others have mentioned, accessible stalls are counted towards the total number of stalls needed based on occupancy. So generally speaking, they are expected, by design and by building codes, to be used by lots of people.

        1. Laura H.*

          Agreed. Consideration is nice, but not always feasible- when nature calls, you need to answer!

          I’m fortunate that in an absolute pinch and with a helping hand I can use a regular stall if I NEED to go. And in public I’m usually pretty good at pegging my bladder down so that I can wait if I need to… again I recognize my fortune in that angle.

    24. J.B.*

      So the reality is that building codes require a certain amount of accessible things but that they are often multi-purpose. Changing tables are often in accessible stalls. Use what you need and make way if someone else needs it more.

  2. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Health questions…

    1) Dr visit shows I’ve gained 3 lbs since Nov 2016/age 29; I am now 32, no kids yet. I’ve exercised daily, do yoga weekly, watch my diet, walk to work 15 min and during lunch, no diet soda, no caffeine, alcohol, Splenda/fake sugar, sugar, butter, oil, egg yolks. Lunch I bring from home: stewed veggies, 1 apple, homemade protein bites (pumpkin, nonfat Greek yogurt, chopped nuts). The doctor thinks I’m perfectly healthy (BMI under 22) but this is making me panic, especially since my dad’s side of the family has obesity issues to the point of gastric bypass. What causes age 30+ weight gain? (The only thing I can think of is crunchy pb when my stomach was unsettled due to stomach bug a few months ago).

    2) Also, we wanted to adopt a cat, but I did an allergy test showing I’m allergic to cats. Sneezing after 20 min around friend’s 2 black kittens, runny nose and slightly puffy eyes 2 hrs after that. Have spent 4 sessions in cat cafes (allergic rxn higher with kittens but just runny nose with older cats). But zero allergies to birds. Are hypoallergenic cats (Siberian or Russian Blue) an option?

    3) Am sick with a cold and both my eyes are pink and hurt. How do you cope? I’ve tried eyedrops. Might try ointment :(

    Having had 72 allergy pricks/itchiness, a cold, eye sensitivity, and cat allergy news, I will now burrow myself in the den under down blankets and knit. I feel. Like. Crap.

    1. Lehigh*

      1) Am I reading this correctly that you’re thinking you’ve gained about one pound per year? Honestly, if you’re not tracking it every day I wouldn’t put much store in this. For most–people, I think?–but at least most women, a few pounds fluctuation over the course of a month is normal & expected. 3 pounds might be just the difference between a particularly heavy and a particularly light day.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Im in team “do your clothes still fut the same?”
        Clothes have weight, as anyone knows who has packed for a vacation. Three pounds can be the difference between a sundress and winter-weight gear. And scales aren’t always calibrated correctly.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Echoing this, as it’s a really good point. Watch your clothes not the scale. I probably weight myself once a year if that. What I do check is how well my clothes are fitting me. Weight is just a number. Muscle weighs more than fat/water/whatever. I lost three sizes and the scale said I had lost four pounds because I started putting on muscle. Yes, 3 sizes and 4 pounds. Don’t get too locked into pounds, as pounds tell part of the story but not all of it.
          Your three pounds might be muscle. Uh, that’s nothing you wanna get rid of, you want to keep that.

          I hope you do use healthy oils, as we need oil for our hair, skin and even our organs. Healthy oils do a lot of different things for the body. If you are avoiding oil entirely, this might be a good time to read up and see what you might like to do.

        3. Flash Bristow*

          Was about to say that. My wedding outfit weighed several kilos, to the extent that I was curious and weighed it!

          I used to fluctuate several kilos depending on the time of the month, too – and of course time of day. Even the calibration of the scales and whether they’re on the same bit of floor as before can make that much difference.

          Carmen, it really does sound like you’re watching your weight to excess especially if your BMI is 22 – as your doctor has told you, that’s in the healthy range.

          I don’t wish to intrude or be rude but I really think you should return to your doctor, show them what you wrote here about how you manage your diet and lifestyle, and ask for their advice – not on how to lose weight, but on how to stop it consuming your thoughts. It can’t be fun having to watch what you eat so closely and I think your doctor might be able to help you find a way to deal with that. It does sound like a mental, rather than physical, issue. In the interim, it might help you to look up mindfulness techniques as they can be calming and distracting when you are worried about your weight.

          I wish you the best.

    2. An Anon*

      You did mean 3o pounds right? You said 3 first and then 30…. I think because of the exercised some of it might be muscle mass that you’ve built up – muscle is denser than fat.

      1. An Anon*

        The real question is – have you changed clothes sizes in that time? needing larger clothes? if not it really is muscle not fat.

      2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I think 30+ was about age, not weight gain.

        +/-3lb is normal fluctuation. I think Carmen should trust her doctor.

        re 3. maybe GO TO BED. Knitting is a great form of self care but concentrating like that slows your blinking which is the last thing you need. LOVELY BED.

        Get well soon.

      4. Doubleglazed Bill*

        No, the op said what causes age 30+ weight gain.
        There is a guy on YouTube called thunderfoot, who has on various occasions weighed himself through them day not eating for a day. This showed a steady weight loss due to normal metabolism. If you way yourself one day after a meal and the next before or the other way round you can seem to loose or gain various amounts of weight. If you were slightly dehydrated three years ago and well hydrated and fed the next time it could easily make that difference. After all a pint weighs about a pound. A rhyme I learned as a kid was ‘a pint of water weighs a pound and a quarter’, but that applies to the imperial pint of 20 fl. oz. as opposed to the American one of 16 fl. oz. (Different size ounces too but that’s minor).

    3. Disco Janet*

      Your first question honestly concerns me – I mean that kindly. 3 pounds is not much at all – especially over three years! I regularly gain three pounds in the week before my period comes, and then it drops after – it’s water weight. Analyzing it to the extent of thinking about peanut butter you ate months ago is alarming, and I would consider talking to someone about what seem like food issues, and understandable concern about your family’s health history.

      Allergies are so random! I think you need to spend some time around the breeds you’re wondering about to get your answer – everyone is different.

      I’m also getting over a cold =( Sudafed helps me, but my main issue is drainage and phlegm rather than eye stuff.

      1. RandomPoster*

        Ditto this – it sounds like there is a lot of anxiety around that subject. Eating, enjoying different foods, being active and living a healthy lifestyle are all great things. But there’s a line where it can cross into an unhealthy place.

        1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

          Thanks….come to think of it, I’m a week before next period.

          Also, my anxiety kind of stems from 6 years ago when my mom made nasty comments to me of her 8-months pregnant niece “OMG she’s so BIG” with a look of equal parts horror and disgust on her face.

          Never mind the part my mom barely gained weight with me to the point I stopped growing in the 2nd trimester a few weeks. And the stillbirth she had before that due to placental insufficiency? She chose thinness over healthy children.

          1. Jenny*

            Ugh okay, your mom is toxic and I would bet anything she’s sent message after message to you over the years about weight. You may have a lot of processing to do.

            3 pounds is absolutely nothing. It doesn’t even register.

            Keep telling yourself “my mom had an illness, she wasn’t healthy”.

          2. blackcat*

            My mom made crap comments about how big I was during pregnancy. I’m tiny, so I did look quite pregnant… but at the end of pregnancy, I only weighed 25lbs more than at the start. I left the hospital within 10lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight.
            She gets HIGHLY limited time with her grandchild. She can’t treat me respectfully? Then she can’t treat my son respectfully. And limited time it is.

          3. sequined histories*

            Wow. And I thought my mother was bad. I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best.
            It’s very useful to be able to recognize that your mother’s way of thinking about women’s bodies is actually destructive of human life rather than health-promoting.

          4. Not So NewReader*

            Your mom was way, way out of line for many reasons. I think you know that on the logical level. Hopefully, your cousin would just say, “If it bothers you then don’t LOOK at me. Problem solved.”

            The doc said you are fine. That is everything you need to know right there.

          5. Lucette Kensack*

            Weight can fluctuate around 5 pounds every day; if you weighed yourself every morning and ever night you’d probably notice a several-pound difference between the morning and the evening. Three pounds is not a meaningful measurement.

          6. Flash Bristow*

            OMG, I’m so sorry. Having an abusive mother – in any respect – is awfully hard. My sympathies.

          7. Observer*

            So, you need to get rid of any and all messages your mother has imparted. Please get help to do so if you need to. The reality is that it IS having a negative impact on your life. At best, you’re obsessing in an unhealthy manner over your weight and diet. At worst, you are actually eating a rather unhealthy diet. It’s hard to tell from your description, but some of what you describe is concerning.

      2. Natalie*

        I’m pretty sure my weight changes by 5 pounds in one day, depending on when I’ve eaten, whether I’m wearing shoes, etc. That small of an amount isn’t meaningful in any way, to the point that I wonder why the doctor would even mention it in the first place.

        1. Assistant Alpaca Attendant*

          Yeah doctors are major body shaming assholes these days, especially since obesity was declared a “disease” and the BMI is treated like gospel but it’s only one measure, and one that was designed to measure populations of animals forever ago, I forget the exact date but it’s like in the 1600s or 1800s… ugh.

          1. AnonEMoose*

            BMI is a measure of weight to height. That’s it, that’s all. It does not account for lean body mass, or bone structure, or any of the other ways bodies vary. For example, my best friend and I are within a couple of inches of each other in height. But she has a much heavier frame than I do. Her shoulders are broader, her wrists are larger.

            Yes, she’s overweight (and working on it), but BMI does not accurately reflect her actual situation, and has been used as a shaming tactic by so many medical professionals that for many years she refused to see a doctor at all. (She now, thankfully, has an excellent Nurse Practitioner, who diagnosed an underlying health condition that was making it hard for my friend to lose weight at all, which every other doctor had missed because they were too busy shaming and judging her.)

            So…any doctor who brings up BMI to me is likely a doctor I won’t continue to see.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          I think the scale read 132 at the last visit and 135 now, which MCS JD noticed because she remembered the weight. And doctor told her it was nothing to worry about and her bmi was unchanged and that’s a normal fluctuation when she asked.

      3. Old and Don’t Care*

        All of this. Others have touched on the first issue. I’ll just say that cat allergies are VERY individual. I could tell you that my friend’s Russian Blue cat does not bother me at all, and some cats of other breeds don’t either, but I’ve been in other houses and within five minutes am asking “Where’s the cat?” That would all be true, but not helpful. If you’re looking to adopt try to spend time with the cats you would like to adopt, take them home if you can. And if you’re allergic to those, you might not be allergic to another.

    4. StrikingFalcon*

      I understand you feel anxious about this, but anxiety is not always rational. This is a really disproportionate reaction to gaining three pounds. Jumping from “I gained three pounds” to “but what if I need gastric bypass surgery someday??” is such a disproportionate reaction that I think you should spend some time exploring this anxiety, maybe even with a professional. This is the sort of thinking that can lead to an eating disorder, and I wouldn’t want you to go down that path.

      It’s good to take care of yourself, and I support you in eating a diet you feel good about, but it’s also important to know that eating fat does not cause you to gain fat. You didn’t gain three pounds because you ate a bit of peanut butter a few months ago, and it’s not healthy to be obsessing about something you ate once so long ago! How you think about food is important to your overall health, so please take some time to develop healthy habits in this area of your life too.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, I follow the “don’t diagnose folks online” rule but… that mental state don’t sound healthy.

          1. Strikingfalcon*

            Yes, to be clear, I’m not saying you have clinical anxiety (I can’t diagnose that!) but just that you sound very anxious about food and weight, and it would be helpful to unpack that.

        3. Middle School Teacher*

          I would agree. OP talks about health stuff almost every post. I think it’s worth exploring why she’s so freaked out by that.

      2. Jenny*

        Seconding this. Worrying about eating some peanut butter you ate ages ago is a real red flag. I say this as someone who is still pretty scrawny and got seriously underweight when I was in college (more just from being sick with mono than an eating disorder). This sounds a lot like how my mom would talk when she struggled with anxiety after my sister was born.

      3. Parenthetically*

        it’s not healthy to be obsessing about something you ate once so long ago

        Yes. Stress, obsessive thoughts, and panic around food are much, much worse for your overall health than some fkn peanut butter — and definitely also worse for your overall health than gaining a few pounds. Also not diagnosing, but also agreeing that it’s worth exploring with a body-positive therapist.

      4. Lilysparrow*

        Not to pile on, but be encouraging. You deserve to worry less and enjoy your food and body more. The worry is worse for you than a pound or two (even if it were actual weight gain).

        I suffered from orthorexia in my 20’s. I was obsessed with restricting my diet to a very short list of permitted foods, and spend a lot of time and brain space on perfecting my rules, tracking and remembering exactly what I ate and in what amounts, and tracking and remembering tiny fluctuations in my weight so that I would know whether I was “allowed” to feel good or bad about myself.

        At one point my health was affected by severe calorie/nutrient restriction, and I wound up in a very dark place mentally, where I considered that letting go of my rules might mean gaining some weight, while sticking to them was obviously damaging my health in ways that could become permanent. And I had to seriously consider whether that choice was worth making. (Spoiler: too late, already damaged.)

        Your list of “no this, no that” and catastrophizing over the risk of obesity when your 3 year weight change amounts to one good pee? You sound like me back then.

        A healthy body is not a wild animal that must be kept chained and muzzled so it won’t turn on you. Be easy on yourself. Keep doing healthy things, and give yourself some leeway. If you can remember eating chunky peanut butter months ago, then either your diet is extremely limited or you are allocating a lot of brain space to food. You can use that brain space for much more fun and helpful things.

        1. Parenthetically*

          This is a very kind, helpful, and important comment. I’d definitely encourage you to take it to heart, Mrs. Carmen. :)

        2. Ethyl*

          I also have suffered from disordered eating, to the extent where my spouse practically insisted I get some help because frankly I was unable to talk or think about anything else and he was sick of hearing about it. Your description is spot on — I could have written this myself.

          “A healthy body is not a wild animal that must be kept chained and muzzled so it won’t turn on you.”

          This is really beautiful, thank you for saying it.

        3. Flash Bristow*

          Brilliant, constructive and caring comment from someone who understands.

          Carmen, if any of the comments resonate and stick with you, I hope this one does. It’s clearly come from a compassionate place, and needs listening to. Good luck.

      5. Quandong*

        I agree with Striking Falcon, particularly as you have a family history of what sounds like a problematic relationship with food and thinness. And recent research indicates there may be a genetic component to some of these problems.

    5. Book Lover*

      I gain and lose three pounds in a day. And scales aren’t particularly accurate. Focus on eating healthy, staying active, and managing stress.

      We have a Siberian and she is amazing, but hypoallergenic doesn’t mean non allergenic. Talk to someone who has one and visit a while. Regardless you will need to wash hands after brushing or petting and avoid touching your face. We put up with the allergies because she is worth it to us (and no asthma or dangerous reactions of course).

      1. Jenny*

        Same here. 3 pounds is so small it can be the variety in water weight. A salty meal can out you up like 5 pounds.

      2. German Girl*

        Jup, me too. In the morning after going #2 I’m about 3 pounds lighter than right after dinner. And I gain and loose another 3 pounds in the course of my monthly cycle.

        That said, I absolutely understand your panic reaction. I felt similar when I bought a new scale a couple of years ago, after not owning one for a couple of years and it showed about 20 pounds more than I had expected. Oof. Well, I managed to get back to my old weight within about 2 years, just by cutting back on some unhealthy habits that had crept in, like cooking more than necessary in order to use up ingredients and then snacking on the leftovers outside of mealtimes. My eating habits are healthier now than they were before, and I was never truly overweight, so no harm done.

    6. sequined histories*

      You sound like you’re very hard on yourself. It’s good to have a healthy life style and probably nothing is wrong with your body, but if something did change about your body as a result of the aging process, that wouldn’t mean you had done anything wrong. I realize it’s more the fear of this snowballing than the 3 pounds that’s freaking you out, but what stands out here is the word “panicking.” From a distance, it seems like the panicking is the troubling aspect of this situation, rather than the weight.

    7. Marzipan*

      3 pounds is a completely normal fluctuation – I could see that much difference from day to day without it being indicative of anything.

      I would like to gently flag up how much this seems to be worrying you – would it be helpful to talk it through with someone? It’s admirable to take care of your health but if that’s becoming something that causes you a disproportionate amount of worry, then it might be worth checking in with yourself about that. Ultimately, how you’re feeling emotionally is a big part of your health, too.

    8. Justme, the OG*

      My weight fluctuates 3 pounds in a day. That amount in three years is not that big a deal to me.

    9. Sometimes Always Never*

      There’s really no such thing as a hypoallergenic cat. I am allergic and have asthma, as well. And a cat. My asthma/allergy doctor works with me and completely understands my want/need for a cat in my life. He has told me, however, that on a very few occasions over the years he has had to tell a patient to re-home a pet because of the danger to that patient specifically. That said, talk to your doctor to assess the level of your allergy and whether a cat is a possibility. I did read at one point that male cats, particularly those with darker fur, are more allergenic, but I’m sure more research was needed (and more info may be out there by now). I will also say I’ve had a male black cat and a male brown cat at different points :)

      1. Gingerblue*

        I’ve also lived with cats while allergic to them. My allergies are pretty mild; as long as I’m reasonably on top of vacuuming, they don’t bother me. I don’t have cats at the moment but my parents do, and whenever I go to visit with them, I’ll have an adjustment period of a few days where I need to take Benadryl, and then I’m fine after that.

    10. Llellayena*

      Welcome to age 30 hormones. A small weight gain is normal in your 30s, the metabolism adjusts as you get older. Focus on health rather than weight with your food choices and when/if you exercise. If the numbers on the scale bother you, get rid of the scale (I haven’t owned a scale in over 10 years), you’ll know if you need to change anything in diet or exercise routine without needing to know your weight.

    11. Jaid*

      It’s the dander/saliva, not the fur, that you’re allergic to, so even if you got a hairless cat, you’d be SOL. I notice that when my cat has issues grooming herself, my hands get itchy when I stroke her, but when she’s healthy, it’s fine.
      My sympathies.
      And weight gain as you age is natural. Your hormones are shifting, the metabolism slows down. Please don’t panic. You’re doing so much already to be healthy!
      Maybe drink some tea with some ginger and orange?
      I wish you well.

      1. EddieSherbert*

        +100 on the cat thing. Many people think it’s a fur issue, but it rarely is! With your reactions, it sounds like you’d at least need to take allergy medicine daily to own a cat. It’s your call if you think that’s worth it!

        Some people are more or less allergic to specific cats (based on the cats grooming habits), so if you decide to adopt I suggest meeting several cats and spending enough time to each one individually to gauge your reaction. Might be easiest to grow through a rescue or shelter that has cats in foster homes (versus entering a r heltebuilding with 100+ cats in it!).s

    12. Parenthetically*

      Well, weight isn’t a behavior. If you eat a nutritious diet and move your body in a joyful and sustainable way, and your bloodwork is good, your weight is nothing to worry about. And the research is actually looking like it’s not just normal but positive over time to put on a few pounds — people in the “overweight” BMI category live longest — since it seems that that extra 10-20 lbs has a protective effect as you enter middle age and especially as you get into elder years. (Also as gently as I can say this, I think it’s a little bit troubling that you’re “panicking” about a three pound weight gain over three years.)

    13. blackcat*

      I strongly encourage you to seek out therapy. Three pounds is 1.5L of water, a completely normal amount to fluctuate by IN A SINGLE DAY.
      Most people start to gain weight as they age. But 3lbs isn’t evidence of anything. Seriously, that’s a big lunch, a bottle of water, and needing to take a dump.

    14. Courageous cat*

      If you think eating crunchy pb once caused your 3lb weight gain and this is making you panic, it means it’s time to see a therapist. This is not at all a healthy/normal train of thought.

    15. ThatGirl*

      3 lb is nothing. Especially over 3 years. Weight can fluctuate that much over a week due to water retention, hormonal shifts, when you last ate, etc

    16. Best Cat in the World*

      I’ve just hit target with Slimming World and we get 3 lbs grace each way before we have to start paying for classes again. It’s not a worrying fluctuation.
      And, even if you did gain a stone over a year, or more, and you were unhappy with how you felt (and that’s the key part, how feel about it, the only other person who should get to comment is your doctor if there are health problems), there are so many different diets and exercise things you can try before you have to go down the surgery route. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

    17. Wishing You Well*

      Don’t get a cat if you’re allergic. That’s like poking your immune system with a fork every day. Your immune system will get even with you in time. Don’t get a cat.
      You might have pink eye (conjunctivitis) and, if so, you are very contagious. Stay home like you’re doing.
      Feel better soon.

    18. Clisby*

      For #2 – have you had cats before? I ask because I’m allergic to cats, and being exposed to new cats can set off the sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes and throat. It’s happened every time I’ve gotten a new cat. Typically, I take Claritin and in a month or two the allergic reaction is gone; I guess I just get used to some new version of cat dander. Of course, you couldn’t count on that; I just wondered whether you had a history of cat allergies.

    19. Grace*

      Re cats (because lots of discussion of Q1 here and much less of Q2) – different cats trigger allergies in different people, and there’s no way to know which without trying. ‘Hypoallergenic breeds’ are mostly considered a bit of a scam.

      I’ve heard of multiple people having success by going to a shelter, allergy meds on hand, and burying their faces in the cats they like until they find one that doesn’t trigger their allergies. Would take a while, but it is a way of finding a cat whose biology meshes well with yours.

    20. Vincaminor*

      I’m later 30s, have always been “acceptable thin” body type, and I have noticed change in distribution of weight and more “padding” the last few years. Metabolism changes with age, and one of those shifts is … probably right about now for you. You eat good food, you take care of yourself, please don’t stress out about 3 pounds on the scales. You may be slightly more genetically inclined to weight gain due to your dad’s side, but joining the chorus of 3lb in 3 years is not worth worrying about. (Also, as pointed out, muscle is denser and weighs more.) <3

      I used to have bad allergies including to cats, but to my own cats, exposure desensitized me. Mileage may vary.

      For colds, I recommend something to alleviate symptoms, nice hot cup of something, go to bed. :)

    21. e271828*

      2) AFAIK Russian Blues aren’t hypoallergenic. Some Siberians are reputed to be, but this varies by individual cat and isn’t reliably inherited. People have different sensitivities to different breeds, to saliva/dander/general dust (cats live on the floor, remember). Some allergic cat-lovers successfully live with Sphynxes, which are very charming personable cats (they do need to be kept warm). If you really, really want a cat, and if you are really allergic to cats, you should look for Siberian breeder who does testing for allergen production. Testing adds a premium to the cat’s price, but if that’s what you need in a cat, then you need it! I would NOT go on experience with kittens and cat cafes for a reliable metric on how allergic one is. A good breeder will understand about the allergy issue and work with you on it, allow you to visit, etc. In a worst-case outcome, you will be able to return the cat to the breeder and it will be well treated and re-homed happily.

      Anecdote, not data: I am mildly allergic, confirmed by test, but I have always had a cat. I adopted a cat last year after a move and a pet break and also invested in two robo-vacs which sweep the floors every day. I have hardwood/small area rugs, so the vacs minimize dust and dander accumulation, and I launder or hand-vacuum the cat’s sleeping spots. I have had no trouble with allergies to this cat, no perennial runny nose as before, and so I suspect that a clean floor makes for a less allergenic cat.

      3) You need to see a doctor/NP ASAP, sounds like pinkeye and it’s extremely contagious! Don’t treat it yourself, OTC will do nothing. Don’t touch your eyes. Wash your hands often. If you live with someone, they should wash their hands often and not touch their eyes/face.

    22. Mid*

      So, I’m allergic to cats. But I was adopted by a cat. No idea what she is, but she has longer hair, doesn’t shed much, and she doesn’t set off my allergies much/at all. And as I’ve been living with her more, I’ve gotten less allergic.

      So I would “test” the cat before adoption. Spend a few hours with them in a room, put your face in the cat, try to see how bad you react.

      In general, male cats have more dander than females and shorter hair is worse than longer hair. But it seems super arbitrary overall. Siamese set me off really bad, personally. I had two stray street cats that were identical, likely same family, and one gave me hives and the other didn’t. So it’s mostly trial and error.

      1. Fikly*

        Or foster the cat! Many shelters are happy to let you foster a cat for a few weeks to see if the living situation will work for all (worst case scenario, the cat gets a break from the shelter) and then if it doesn’t work, the cat goes back, and if it does, you adopt!

    23. Andream*

      I would not get a Siberian, as they are more fluffy and the hair may cause more problems. I would try to get a short haired cat and stay away from simease because they cause allergies. I have part simease and when I’m done brushing them I have to wash up because they cause my eyes to water and itch. But I love them.
      If possible you can try getting allergy shots. They worked well for a friend

    24. I'm A Little Teapot*

      2) I don’t test allergic to cats, but I do react to some cats. Just some. Of course, mine is one of them. But no, there are no “hypoallergenic cats”. There may be individual cats that you react more or less to. You may find that you’re generally better or worse with long/short hair, etc. Actually, for me, color seems to be a factor. All of the cats I’ve reacted to were black, but it’s not all black cats.

      3) Um, that sounds like pink eye which is extremely contagious and often requires treatment. Call your doctor/nurse and ask.

    26. OhGee*

      Re: weight, you’re fine. You’re getting older. Your metabolism is slowing, so you’re gaining a (teeny tiny!!! I cannot emphasize teeny tiny enough here) amount of weight. I’m 38 and have gained about 30 pounds since I turned 30, largely due to reproductive health issues leading to several emergency surgeries. And you know what? I’m STILL a healtht size and shape, and when I try to lose weight, nothing happens. I fluctuate by about 5 pounds and that’s it. I understand worrying about this, because I did, but that’s largely due to cultural pressure. Even if you did become obese, obesity doesn’t mean poor health, and it certainly doesn’t immediately equate with needing gastric bypass surgery.

      Also on point 2: I have two Russian Blues, and they’re not completely hyopallergenic – you will still likely experience itching/other allergy symptoms. We keep a very nice air filter and a cat-free guest bedroom so friends with severe allergies can visit us in relative comfort but a cat in your face/lap will usually cause symptoms.

    27. lobsterp0t*

      3lb in your early thirties is normal. You can’t speed up your metabolism with exercise or restrictive diets. Unless there is a non weight related medical reason to cut all those things out, there isn’t any nutritional science out there to suggest that extremes and restriction are helpful or effective. My weight fluctuates more than 3lb in a week due to stuff like hydration and pooping and water retention. And the BMI is a pretty unhelpful indicator of health, and definitely not a useful diagnostic tool if no health indicators like cholesterol or blood glucose are causing concerns

      Sounds like you’re having some major discomfort and that always makes me feel gross in my body – hope the temporary things pass soon

    29. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      Regarding the eye thing, are your eyes themselves itchy, or do your eyelids feel swollen or weird? I am definitely not a doctor, but I have The Most Sensitive Eyelids of All Time, and I recommend doing a warm treatment on your eyelids to see if that helps. You can heat up some water and dip a washcloth in (test it first! no scalding your eyelid) and hold it to your lid for about ten minutes, re-dipping whenever the heat goes away in the washcloth. Another option is a gel eyemask (can be purchased from most well-stocked drugstores) that you can microwave for approx. 15 seconds and then put over your eyes for about 15 minutes. Try that and see if your eyes feel better!

    30. BelleMorte*

      I think you may be thinking of Bengals. They are a bit less allergen inducing and generally don’t shed. You should probably visit a breeder for specific breeds and see whether or not they trigger your allergies. My husband is allergic to cats, but our Bengals don’t trigger him at all. It really depends on the person.

  3. Zephy*

    I have to miss my stepsister’s wedding today, because I have to be at that place we don’t talk about on weekends. I’d rather be up there celebrating with her, but the powers that be insist that I must keep this chair warm and run up the power bill for 8 hours.

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Oh I’m sorry. I hope you get a chance to celebrate with her and the newly minted spouse soon.

    3. JKP*

      Can anyone there Facetime or Skype with you a little bit during the reception? We’ve done that at other weddings when someone couldn’t come, and it helped them feel included.

  4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

    Started my weekend in the emergency room with middle child and a minor head injury – which also means we’ll have to miss the Halloween party tonight.

    (child is basically fine and needs no sympathy as was mucking about and knocked own head)

    Keeping fingers crossed for an uneventful remainder of the weekend …

    1. Mr. McGillicuddy*

      Glad your kid is ok. I hope the ER bill is covered by your insurance as most hospital’s ERs are rapidly increasing their charges.

      I was having abdominal pain and went to Stanford hospital ER. After talking with the doctor and having him palate my abdomen, I was given an enima to relieve my constapation.

      The bill was $55,000 for the services I received. I was lucky that I had already met my out if pocket for the year, otherwise I would have been charged 10% plus $500 ER visit.

      1. red fish boo fish*

        I’m not american, but whenever americans talk about healthcare prices …. it’s shocking to me. Shocking. You would have been charged $6k for … some stomach poking. I hope your symptoms were relieved, anyway.

      2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Thanks, he’s been much perkier as the day has gone on.

        England, NHS, so the full bill is £3 for parking (and in Wales and Scotland the parking is free). I can’t begin to imagine having to worry about medical bills when deciding whether or not a child needs to go to hospital.

      3. I'm A Little Teapot*

        My mom had emergency surgery on Sunday about 11pm a few weeks ago (appendix). CAT scan, blood testing, IV’s, ambulance ride between hospitals, then the actual surgery…. I’m sure that bill is going to be sky high.

  5. Detective Rosa Diaz*

    Question: has anyone here done a course of EMDR therapy?
    I’m interested to hear any and all experiences you are willing to share. How long was the course of treatment? In what ways was and wasn’t it helpful to you? How did you feel on the day of a session?

    1. Randomity*

      Yes. I have various previous traumas and had EMDR from the end of last year until a couple of months ago. Having said that, probably more than half of that time was prep work before the EMDR actually started.

      It was on the NHS so I couldn’t work on everything and had to choose a couple of main areas to work on. I chose trauma around my 2nd trimester missed miscarriage and related trauma around pregnancy and birth, and around my abusive ex and his refusal to talk about decisions that negatively affected me while we were married (deliberately not giving details for privacy).

      It wasn’t fun to revisit the trauma, but i liked and trusted the woman I was working with. She made sure I was ok before leaving all sessions and worked to ensure I had techniques outside of my appointments with her in case the traumas came back. I found that I was tired after the sessions but not as exhausted as most people seem to be. I had disturbing weird dreams afterwards, but I was also on ADs that gave me disturbing weird dreams, so it’s hard to know what was caused by what.

      I am still very sad about the stuff that happened, and I will always be, but it’s not as horrific as it was (and it was truly horrific). As a side effect, there were some songs that I couldn’t listen to because they had very strong associations with my ex in my head and I got really distressed listening to them, even though they were songs I knew and loved before I knew him. I can listen to them now and the painful associations have gone. I didn’t do any work on that; it’s just an amazingly good side effect.

      She used a pen that she rapidly shifted from side to side rather than any of the tools therapists can use.

      I still think that on the surface it looks like a ridiculous woo-woo therapy that cannot possibly work, but ohmygod it does. It’s like magic. Hard work but magic. Does that help at all?

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Hi! Thanks so much for sharing; this is quite helpful. I know the theory on it but wanted some real-life experiences from individual people to know more clearly what I might expect.
        Glad it helped you so much!

    2. Hazelnut Coffee*

      I did EMDR on a regular basis(every week for the first year and every other week after) for about 3 years. I had PTSD and it was used for the traumas I endured. I enjoyed it in a sense of being able to find some relief for my traumas. After a session, I was in a weird state-completely empty of feelings(nothing bad), just kinda numb. At first I would cry erratically after the session(I’m not the crying type). This was usually triggered by someone making a negative comment about anything. I worked through about 4 traumatic issues/events during my time. The first took a month, the next about 9 months, an ongoing one that took nearly two years, and the last a few months.

      I did have to switch therapists a few months in(they took a sabbatical) but we worked through the first issue and made it halfway through the second. The first was fresh out of emdr training and did all the bells and whistles so to speak. She used the headphones and light bar. The next therapist used her hand in place of the light bar and no headphones. My personal preference would be light bar and no headphones. I felt it took longer for us to work through some things because she used her hand.

      I could still be going to resolve a few lingering things but I relocated and the therapists that do emdr have an extremely long waitlist where I moved.

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Thank you for sharing! It seems my plan to schedule only rest-and-chill time afterwards would be good.
        The therapist I am going to (had an intake and now have the first EMDR appointment scheduled) is very experienced, which does make me feel better. I don’t have a personal preference for medium at all… Can you say more about what the difference in headphones vs hand meant to you? Wat it was better vs worse?

      1. Kuododi*

        I’ve attended a couple of CEU trainings on the subject. It’s a resource to provide support for PTSD, and/or anxiety symptoms in a short period of time. (Couple of weeks to a month and a half was the time line we were given during training). It’s a tool to help with recovery, not a magic bullet. Hope this helps.

    4. Lulubell*

      I would be interested to hear as well. I went to a therapist who did EMDR for about a year. She mostly just moved her finger back and forth and had my eyes follow them. While I think the therapy in general was helpful to talk through things, I never noticed any particular benefit from the EMDR. Though it’s possible it helped without me realizing. My therapist was an intern and I often wondered whether she was really skilled enough to help me. She did help in the room but overall I did not notice any patterns shift. I stopped going after a year because of this. But overall, I would say that the least memorable/notable part of the whole thing was the EMDR. I’d be interested to hear other experiences.

    5. Reba*

      I did it!

      I did not have a severe situation, i.e. Not diagnosed with PTSD but having some lingering anxiety and intrusive thoughts about a nasty event.

      My therapist presented the option–i believe she had recently trained in it–and we said, what the heck let’s give it a try!

      My regular therapist did three sessions of EMDR, during our normal meetings.

      During the actual treatments, I felt… Silly! What are we doing?! She led me through a kind of controlled remembering of the event, similar to like a guided visualisation meditation, and then did the eye movement tracking.

      Then I would go home and sleep like a log.

      I do think it helped me, but it’s not like a switch was flipped. It was part of a longer, multiple-topic course of therapy.

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Thanks for your input! Glad to hear from someone who did not have a PTSD-diagnosis (as I also don’t have PTSD).
        Did you feel tired at all during the day after your appointment, or just sleep more soundly at night? My first session will be in the morning. I am probably taking the entire day off work.

        1. Reba*

          Hm, I don’t think I remember well enough to say. I was a graduate student at the time so I wasn’t really keeping a very regular schedule. I think taking the day off might be a good idea until you know if this is going to affect you in some way.

          I hope it helps!

    6. Vistaloopy*

      Licensed clinical psychologist here. Full disclosure, I do not do EMDR, and am very wary of it, but with good reason. Research (component studies examining each part of the treatment) has shown that the “eye movements” are superfluous – they add nothing to the overall therapy. The part of EMDR that IS effective is exposure – talking about your trauma, examining they ways you think about it, etc. But you don’t need EMDR to do this – you just need a competent therapist to help you process your traumas. Hope this helps!

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Mental health professional myself. I feel it might be of added benefit in my situation. Not looking to rethink it, as biting this bullet took a long time and previous talk therapy only got me so far. I am mostly looking to hear from people who did do it, and what it did for them (or not). I am nervous about it and want to know what to expect specifially and individually, in terms of, for example, the exhaustion and crying spells others mentioned.
        So thanks but no thanks on the theoretical input! I can tell you meant to be helpful, but I would like not to have to defend my choice / the thing that made me feel hopeful against a research summary (which is what it felt like to me anyway).

      2. No Name Yet*

        +1 Also a licensed clinical psychologist, and I have the same thoughts (and reasons) as Vistaloopy. If you have/find a therapist you feel comfortable with and are doing exposure-based therapy, those are the keys – whether it’s EMDR or another type of therapy.

        1. Vistaloopy*

          I don’t mean to make you feel defensive. From your original post it wasn’t clear you had already decided on EMDR. It appeared you were trying to make an informed choice, so I provided info. As I said, the treatment as a package is effective; it’s just that the eye movements/tapping are not necessary. That is important information that would help someone making a decision about treatment. But you are of course free to disregard it. As far as I’m aware there is not evidence that the eye movements are harmful, just not necessary.

      3. lobsterp0t*

        That is true but I still found it valuable. The experience of using EMDR as part of my therapy helped enormously. I was able to get at things and talk about them in ways I never had previously.

    7. Astra Nomical*

      I’ve done it and got absolutely nothing out of it. But I also don’t think it was administered properly, and I think I’m in the minority. It’s different for everyone, but I’ve heard lots of positives from others.

    8. Always Sciencing*

      I’ve done it twice, once for PTSD and once for grief. I was really skeptical prior to trying it but figured what the heck, might as well try it. I did ~10 sessions for the PTSD and it was life-changing. I’ve recommended it to quite a few people since then because I found it so effective. My psychologist used vibrating, handheld paddles that I found much better than tapping or watching a moving object (we tried a few things the first session to see what worked for me).

      Taking time off afterwards is a good idea as I did find that sometimes I was tired, exhausted, or just wanted more time to process things on my own, after the first few sessions.

      I hope it’s helpful for you. If feasible, try different methods to find the one that’s best for you. Even with the paddles the speed and strength of the vibrations made a difference for me – some settings were totally distracting.

  6. Flash Bristow*

    Hi all! How ya doing?

    I’ve been reading for months now and always loved the little icon of Alison in the top left; I think logos are great and hers is fab… but this week I suddenly noticed she has something blue in her left hand!

    Alison, what *is* it?

    First I figured it was a horn (that you can use like a megaphone), then I thought no! It looks more like a remote control! Eep! And after that my only guess was a rolled up folder, perhaps for bipping offending workers over the head…? ;-)

    Before Alison gets time to respond (if able, obv), do any of you have better guesses? Had you even noticed the blue thing?

    And so finally I guess my question is – Alison, have you got the horn?

    (Sorry! But I’m genuinely curious, it’s been bugging me all week and I’ve been waiting for the non-work thread to pop up so I could enquire!)

    Have a fab weekend, all, from a rather wet & windy London. Stay safe and warm everyone!

        1. Flash Bristow*

          Wow, quick responses!

          That’s me educated! :D

          Thanks all. Been bugging me for days (but hey I don’t have a lot else to do in the week!)

          Cheers all, have a lovely weekend.

    3. Regular Lurker*

      I’ve always thought it looked a little like a dunce cap but now I realize that might be too harsh.

      1. tape deck*

        This comment made me laugh out loud!! It is harsh, but…not too harsh for some of the people we hear about!

      1. Flash Bristow*

        Thanks Alison!

        And it is a great logo / icon. Just can’t believe I hadn’t noticed you were holding something, over all the time I’ve been reading!

  7. Anon woman with breast cancer*

    A huge thanks to this amazing community. I had my first chemo (FEC drug regimen) on Wednesday. Feeling good, eating normal, and the tumour was tingling yesterday. Nurse called to check in and said that is a good sign, seems it is working to shrink the bastard. I am hopeful in my treatments and will work out the finances soon I hope, too.
    Thank you all for the suggestions and encouragement. Also I got a wig which I love, so when or if the hair falls out I have a decent hairstyle to wear, too.
    The sad news was my closest friend lost her doggo at 4am on Thursday, after 12 years together. I loved the pup to and was sad that I could not say goodbye.
    Hope everyone has a great weekend.

    1. Flash Bristow*

      Oh I’m sorry… I’m a dog person and these things get me too.

      But I’m glad it sounds like your health is going in the right direction. Good luck and keep us updated.

    2. fposte*

      That’s great news that you’re getting such immediate response! Hope treatment continues to go well.

      1. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        Thanks, me too. Just ate another banana with peanut butter and today had split pea soup, so I am feeling good. :)

    4. Breast Solidarity*

      My tumor really ached after my first four cycles, and it has shrunk a LOT, so I do think it is a good sign!

      Hang in there, ask for help and don’t feel guilty about needing help (still working on that one myself)

      Where did you find a gorgeous wig?

      1. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        AHA – good to hear this from you too – great news on tumour shrinkage signs. :) The wig I got from a local hair salon, they order wigs from some manufacturer nearby for cancer patients and older women who have lost hair. I like it, though it is warm which will be good for winter. :)

        1. Breast Solidarity*

          They are warm! I lost my hair in July :( I do recommend getting a bunch of those bamboo or cotton wig liners caps. They help with the itching and also if you sweat due to the heat. I am glad you have some place local to get a good wig! I had to order off the internet, which wasn’t great.

        2. Breast Solidarity*

          PS. Chemo sucks, for me each round has gotten worse with the side-effects, BUT it works. And I am recovering from my last round, which hit me hard, but still getting daily walks and not miserable most of the time.

          If you get the pre-meds that have that nasty taste (or if you have a port and taste the flushes) lemon drops are magic. Pop one when you know the nasty tasting stuff is coming :) Jolly Ranchers would work too.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a big woo hoo!!! You have been in my thoughts and I’m glad to see your update!!

    7. Kuododi*

      Mazel Tov!!! You’ve been in my thoughts and heart the past few weeks. Delighted to hear things are trucking along without a bunch of drama. Personally, I started radiation last Wednesday. No major crises however I do find myself with a moderate case of poor equilibrium a respectable headache and my left breast feels achy as if I were in the midst of a menstrual cycle. I do hope that your treatment will continue in a positive direction. You are in my heart.

      1. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        Awww, I am glad that the radiation has started, that much closer to the finish. I hope the next rounds get easier for you too, and I will send you positive vibes for easier recovery. Hugs too!

    8. Queer Earthling*

      I’m sorry about your friend’s dog.

      I’m glad your first chemo went well and you’re eating well. My spouse finished chemo in August. It feels like forever when you start but it really isn’t. Good luck!

  8. Valancy Snaith*

    I thank you all for your advice and suggestions for my mom. She passed away Thursday evening in hospice, very peacefully.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      My condolences. I’m glad it was peaceful. (I’m not sure glad is the right word, but I can’t think of another.)

    3. Flash Bristow*

      I’m glad it was peaceful, I never knew what that meant until I lost a dear relative myself. Best you can hope for.

      My sympathies, I hope the coming days are not too hard. Best wishes.

    7. patricia*

      I came here today to check on you. I’m sorry for your loss but I hope you have more peace. Thinking of you and your dad.

    11. Overeducated*

      I’m so very sorry. I hope your time with her at the end was as good as could be hoped for you both.

    15. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sympathies and may you and your family continue to have support in the physical world and online.

  9. Nessun*

    Just about to join my guild mates for 25 hours of gaming for charity! Extra Life 2019 here I come – wish us luck…it all goes to local children’s hospitals.

    2. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

      Extra Life seems like such a great event, I’d love to get involved with it someday. Great work to you and your guild mates for getting involved! GLHF!

  10. BeanCat*

    Kind of continuing from yesterday I woke up this morning in such a funk. I was tired, grouchy, and just all over sad.

    Shook it off and went for a run so strenuous my lungs burned. It helped me be in the moment for sure!

    But there’s good things coming down the pipeline outside of the M-F place: I finished my first zine piece, I’m going to D&D with friends today, and I’m doing a video share art session with my friend from Denmark tomorrow!

    Our wedding is mostly planned too, which is also helping :)

    I hope everyone’s weekend is going well so far!

    1. Lemonish*

      I know exactly that funky feeling that shows up some mornings, especially this time of year. Do you live somewhere that the days are getting shorter? I got a SAD lamp for Christmas last year, and it’s been a real game-changer. This past week, the days were suddenly so much shorter (time change) and the weather was drizzly and grey – I moved my SAD lamp into my office and used it for the whole morning (instead of just having a cup of coffee in front of it first thing), and it really made a difference in my mood.

      1. Jackie*

        Do you know if you can use a SAD lamp if you have cataract ? I had heard it might not be good for that.

      2. BeanCat*

        I’m a New Englander; soon enough I’ll be able to watch it get dark while I’m at work :’) I’ve wanted to get one of those for a while! It’s just pricey right now with a wedding around the corner. But if it’s for my health, maybe I should invest. Thank you for the suggestion!

  11. sequined histories*

    I always look forward to the Saturday kitty pic! Just look at that little face! Such a pretty kitty.

    1. Flash Bristow*

      I always wonder where she magics so many from – and, wot no Halloween outfit? I was visited by kids as cats, so…? :)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Voluptuous hair, big greeneyes, and a coat of many colors — she’s dressed as Dolly Parton!

  12. Disco Janet*

    I am struggling so much with keeping my house clean. We have two kids, ages 4 and 6 (and the 6 year old is on the autism spectrum), I have a job that requires doing extra work after I get home from work (high school English teacher – it’s hard to get much done when you have 150 essays to grade), so by the time I’m done with that I just want to relax a bit and have time with the kids. I need to figure out a schedule and a way to stay on top of things. Any suggestions – particularly from others with little ones and long work hours?

    I realize this is super vague…I just feel like I’ve gone through the cycle so many times where I clean furiously during school breaks and get everything nice and organized, try to get rid of clutter and things the kids don’t play with anymore, swear I’m going to stay on top of it…and within a month or two it’s a big mess again. I think my struggle is a combo of lack of motivation and feeling overwhelmed (not helped by the fact that I recently started depression meds and am feeling tired as a side effect, but the medicine isn’t actually helping yet.)

    1. Teapot Translator*

      You don’t mention your partner? What’s the dynamic there? Are they able to help out or do they also have too much work?
      I mention below that I’ve finally decided to get outside help. I’m not at all in your situation, but maybe look at your finance to see if you can afford to get outside help from time to time?

      1. Disco Janet*

        Ah, sorry, should have included that! My husband works 60 hours a week and we’re definitely a team – he does most of the laundry, we alternate taking care of the dirty dishes, etc. It’s just the kids’ toys, school papers, junk mail…lots of little things that quickly seem to multiple into a huge mess.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          How often does he help with the little things? The constant work of putting clutter away? That’s a huge chunk of work if only one person’s doing it and the other person gets to “switch off” after a set list of chores is done.

          1. Disco Janet*

            We equally suck at putting clutter away. He doesn’t get home from work until 6:30, so it’s eat dinner, give the kids baths, and then squeeze in a bit of time with them before 8, when they go to bed. At which point we do some laundry, clean up from dinner, make sure everything is ready for the following day (lunches made, any forms that came home with the kids signed, go over any info from the ABA therapist the one on the spectrum sees a few times a week, etc.), and then either go straight to bed because we’re exhausted or squeeze in an a little bit of TV time together before bed.

            I guess I’m feeling pretty worn down by life in general, now that I’m typing all this out =/

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              Can you purge some clutter? Possibly with the help of a friend or relative who lives for this stuff? It really does increase your available storage space, making it easier to pick up.

    2. Flash Bristow*

      Is there ANY way you could hire a cleaner, just for one morning a week? I’ve done that (with personally recommended people, not agencies) and although I felt shame, I got “I understand! That’s life! That’s what I’m here for!”

      The first month, every week was blitzing a room. Thereafter it was maintaining them.

      Sure, each cleaner has had odd habits and I’ve had to say “I appreciate what you’re thinking of, but I really don’t want it” or “we have limited time and I’d rather you spent it on x” – be it ironing underpants or making me a container to hold my pens from the recycling…(!)

      But it has always worked out. I’ve just always checked that they are self employed and covering their own tax, yes? Or should I register them?

      But yeh if you can squeeze the money to get someone in, after a few weeks of learning what goes where it will be such a weight off!

      1. Flash Bristow*

        Btw they tell me they are self employed and paying their own taxes (UK) so I get them to sign to that effect then pay the relevant amount…. If employee I can do that but then I have more expenses and to deduct tax so they get the same take home as they would after expenses of self employed… (I’m generalising, there’s also insurance, NI etc but you get the idea – they’d end up with the same money at the end of it).

        I suspect one or two have just pocketed and not declared, but I have signed records of hours worked, amount paid, and whether they are self employed or not and who covers what… So I hope I’m covered. If they say they’re sorting it, do I have to ask for proof?

        Uh oh this is getting into the realm of work! On a Saturday! So please ignore and take it as the fyi and metaphorical statement it was intended to be!

        *Zips mouth*

      2. Disco Janet*

        I have thought about this – my concern is that there’s so much clutter right now they would have a hard time cleaning! Although I know there are cleaners who help with that stuff too. I should look into it – my husband is definitely a penny pincher when it comes to things he thinks we can handle ourselves, but I think that at our current stage in life it has passed the point of what we can reasonably handle.

        It sounds like you have some interesting stories from your cleaner, ha!

        1. Jen Erik*

          We always had a cleaner, just one morning a week, and she never tidied (we never asked, though) but part of the reason it worked was that it forced a schedule upon me: that morning I had to have the whole house tidy so she could clean, so I did. External motivation rather than internal motivation. My husband did resent the cost at first, and occasionally gave me a hard time about ‘cleaning for the cleaner’ but it really worked for us. It is a luxury, but I’d rather have had that than other things, like eating out. If you can manage it, you could try for a month and see if it helps.

        3. Auto Generated Anon*

          Two working grownups & two similarly ages kiddos. You are not alone. Lots of clutter here! At this age the kids add soooo much at my place, the cycling through clothes, toys, shoes. The evaluating what you recycle/dispose of, keep for the next one, donate, pass to friends, is daunting. At least for me.

          Cleaner once a week for Floors, kitchen, bathrooms. They change bedding every two weeks. For the first couple visits just pick stuff up and shove it places. It’s normal at our place to do a combined 45 minutes of pickup once a week the night before the cleaner.

          Some will charge more for the first few visits because they expect that it’ll take longer, you are not alone.

          If family isn’t at home much on weekdays, try and have the cleaner early in the week, like Monday or Tuesday. Because then your house stays reasonably neat all week.

          And, as, I love to say. A cleaner an expense, but it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce.

        4. CAA*

          One way to look at it is to use the house cleaner to free up the time you and your partner currently spend cleaning so you can devote that to decluttering and tidying instead. Get them to do the bathrooms and the dusting, sweeping and vacuuming (even if they currently have to dust, sweep and vacuum around the clutter). Then you spend the amount of time you were working on those things doing the tidying and organizing.

          Remember it doesn’t have to be done all at once. It’s an ongoing process. Make it part of the kids’ routines as well. Maybe this is your Friday after school activity that you all do together for a half hour, or your Saturday morning before-we-go-grocery-shopping thing. You can sing while you work or have contests to see whose bedroom will be the neatest when they’re done, or whatever would motivate them.

    3. WellRed*

      If it’s mostly clutter you’re worried about, can you block out 15 mins a day or an hour on Saturday or whatever makes the most sense. Kids can corral their toys, you can straighten papers etc. I might recommend just pitching junk mail as it comes in but that’s easier said then done( eyes towering pile).

    4. Not a bot*

      I know teachers that just do the basic chores during the term and then a full deep clean each holidays. Is that something you you could look at? As far as keeping things tidy, I bought big plastic laundry hampers (1 for each person in the house) and keep them in the lounge and put things I find laying around in them. When they’re full, I give the kids a timeframe in which to empty/put them away before I’m going to throw them out. As for the floors, I bought a Roomba and tell the kids that “anything Roomba ‘eats’ is mine and going in the bin” (I give them a warning a little while before I turn Roomba on).

      1. Disco Janet*

        I like the laundry basket idea! Will give it a try. And I’ve been considering adding a Roomba to my Christmas list.

        I pretty much do what you’re suggesting with basic chores during the term and full deep cleaning each holiday – but with there not being any breaks between Labor Day and Thanksgiving (which is a pretty short break), this tends to be the time of year when it really turns into a mess.

        1. e271828*

          The threat to throw out everything in the laundry basket will be an empty one unless you are stone-cold ready to deliver. A toy basket for each kid might work if you get the kids on board in using them. Make it a rule to pick up before supper! Use the clean-up song if you have to! If there are toys the youngest has outgrown, is it possible to retire those? Would the kids be on board with sorting through their toys in anticipation of Christmas and donating the ones they’ve outgrown or don’t really enjoy? You could set them an example by doing a cull of your books or clothes? I think Marie Kondo has some good ideas for helping kids be organized and tidy.

          Junk mail. The only way to win this one is to be ruthless. If it isn’t real mail, bin it immediately. I reduced junk a lot by telling charities and organizations to stop sending me paper mail and also by telling them not to share my name. Catalogues, I call the 800 number and get taken off the list and tell them not to share my name at the same time.

          A lot of keeping on top is just figuring out the choke points and adopting a habit to thwart the clutter before it hits the floor, wall, or counter (or in the case of junk mail, before it enters the house). Kids’ drawings and worksheets for example—one in one out. And finally, yes, having a cleaner come in can be essential for keeping up. You and your husband are flat out and the children are a little small for chores yet (though 6 can certainly tidy their own toys and sort socks).

          1. Disco Janet*

            You’re so right about thwarting the clutter in advance – I’m awful about getting distracted by the kids as I’m walking in the door and just setting down the mail wherever I happen to be standing. Takes half a second, builds up to a huge pain.

            Last time I did a big clean, I did end up throwing away some toys they were instructed to put away and did not, so I will carry through on that threat. (I’m just strategic in that when it comes to things like the kid’s lovey that they’d have a meltdown without, I’ll toss it on his bed for him – that one is not worth the battle/message/devastation!)

        2. KR*

          I’ll caution you with a Roomba that if you go cheap, you’ll spend a lot of time cleaning the Roomba out. Hell, my friend has one of the expensive ones and she’s had to take it apart multiple times. We both have two dogs who are big shedders, though, so that might not apply to your situation. And of course technology is always getting better.

      2. red fish boo fish*

        I’m probably the only roomba-hating person in the world. I found the roomba more work because you really have to de-clutter the floor. With a regular vacuum I kick the clothes out of the way.

    5. sequined histories*

      Honestly, as a fellow high school English teacher, I think you’re doing really well! Your house will always get dirty again, but your children will never be young again. If no one else in the household can clean more, hiring someone a few hours a week would be nice if it’s financially possible. Otherwise, I would recommend just saying to yourself, “ I’m prioritizing my children and my job.”

    6. Llellayena*

      Use the kids to help. Some of your kid play time can be “how many toys can you put in this box in 5 min” or “how many books can you pick up.” Eventually it should become routine and you can move on to other chores. I can’t guarantee this will work as I have no kids to try this out on, but it sounds reasonable to me!

      1. Auto Generated Anon*

        We’ve tried this with our kids. Did not work for us. Most nights we have 2 hours between getting home and bedtime. Add dinner and homework, throwing in a potential battle over cleaning up just isn’t happening.

        Kids pick up if they have big project / messes out before bed and on weekends. They’re doing more as they’ve gotten bigger, but the blitz concept *with* kids was sooo much work for me.

        1. valentine*

          It doesn’t have to be a blitz. It can be a routine, complete with theme song, if necessary. Have a box or boxes in each room, bonus if they double as benches or tables where they can do their art. The kids are old enough to put their stuff away every night, if that’s the kind of life you want. They can also roll and put away their laundry.

          Definitely declutter to a point where daily tidying is possible. Just as you take your plates to the kitchen, homework goes in the bag by the door, etc. And consider meals and baths part of your time with the kids. There’s no rule that that time needs to be unstructured or absent of basic necessities.

      2. Koala dreams*

        Also, look over how you store the kid things. It helps when the book cases and boxes for toys are all the height suitable for kids. My friends with kids have had some luck with getting their kids (around 2 years old) to get and put back their books that way.

    7. Natalie*

      I didn’t have kids but I can’t think of any reason this wouldn’t work with kids – I used UFYH’s 20/10 idea and did it once or twice every day until it became a habit. You could split 20 minutes between you and your partner easily, and then maybe supervise one kid each for 10 minutes while they tidy?

      Marathon cleaning is kind of a trap, I think, it’s so exhausting and time consuming that you avoid cleaning for a couple of weeks, and then you have to marathon again.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m not naturally tidy (compulsive on the paid gig, but no one pays me at home ), for me there’s a late-diagnosis ADD factor too, lots of bad habits to unlearn.
      I unabashedly turn to Internet organization resources. I use some Flylady routines (but wish she’d go back to her old simpler Web design, and I long ago gave up on the emails); I adore Dana K. White’s “Decluttering at the Speed of Life” (haven’t spent much time on her website a slob comes clean dot com). I won’t do a full KonMari on my home but I like Marie Kondo’s ways of deciding whether or not I like an object enough to keep it. I used to use the habit hacker site before it redesigned.
      And there are Facebook groups for housekeeping that are communities similar to this one but with a very different focus.
      That said…off to do a few household tasks before letting myself read more here.

    9. Mr. McGillicuddy*

      Your kids are at the age where they can start helping with simple chores and keeping up and putting away is the most simple way to start.

      Children want to help and if you work with them at a young age and are patient with them, they will learn how helping is fun. As they get older, you can teach them how to set the table, clean up after dinner, do the dishes and even do laundry and cook dinner – you just have to be patient with them and let them work at their own pace and not “jump in” to get it done sooner.

      Treat it like a game and they won’t need to be told to do their chores; they will learn that they are an integral part of the family circle and will gladly help and take on more as they get older.

      1. Disco Janet*

        I realize kids can help with chores, and fully expect them to learn that and help more as they get older. My four year old loves to vacuum, for example. Of course, at his age, he needs my assistance with it. And I don’t think you’re keeping in mind the fact that my 6 year old is on the autism spectrum – it’s all significantly more complicated with him, especially on days when he’s already exhausted from a full day of school plus therapy after. Right now the priority with him is working on social and sensory issues that frequently trigger meltdowns. I cannot currently add a chores list on top of that and expect it to happen unless I’m willing to keep him up way past bedtime and ensure a miserable night for everyone.

        1. OtterB*

          My daughter is not on the autism spectrum, but has some similar issues. For her the key is routine and some kind of a written schedule- could be pictures for both kids at the ages yours are, written checklist later. I doubted that a written direction would make much difference over verbal instructions but it really did. Somehow “the list says we do this now” is much less prone to argument than “do this now.” So if you can build 10 minutes into the pre-bath routine for picking up, and there’s a picture chart that shows that you pick up toys off the floor, put away books, and take clean laundry to their room (or whatever) then that moves things in the right direction. It’s definitely more work establishing the routine but gets easier after that.
          Good luck with it

        2. Athena X*

          Hi Disco Janet, I am a BCBA. “Cleaning up” can be an instructional program or part of a set of a program in ABA therapy. Cleaning up can be considered under the umbrella of executive functioning, or it can be an adaptive life skill. If your child engages in challenging behaviors when asked to clean up, it is important that this is addressed in his programming. It can be added into an existing following directions program, as a set in functional play, or as an individual program. Bottom line: cleaning up can be part of a good ABA program. Don’t add it to your evening routine until he gains independent skills in therapy sessions. Hope this helps!

          1. Arts Akimbo*

            I mean… what about teaching us autistic parents how to clean, too? My dad did nothing around the house, and my mom was an “I’d rather do it myself” type. I feel completely lost at sea when it comes to teaching my kiddo good habits regarding anything with a demand for high executive function. I feel like our whole family needs an ABA program.

      2. Agnodike*

        Teaching kids to do housework is a parenting task that adds work, not a way of farming out work that already exists. It’s a good and important thing to do, but it’s definitely not going to lighten the housework load!

    10. MissDisplaced*

      I hate cleaning. I work a lot, and it’s the last think I want to do on the weekends when I also have other chores like laundry and shopping to do for the week.

      If you can at all afford it, get a house cleaner to come 1-2x per month for the deep cleaning. The in-between times won’t be so bad and you can do a quick pass once or twice a week. But I understand. Believe me. Hiring a cleaning service in the US is very expensive. I make a decent salary, I can still can’t really justify it.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I hope you can chuckle- a friend of mine used to clean houses for people. My friend and a couple of her friends swore up and down that teachers were their best customers. For the EXACT reasons you show here. I know of two English teachers married to each other. I can tell you no housework gets done, ever. The job swallows up all their time.

      Some jobs/professions are more like a way of life. Framed that way perhaps it would be easier to consider hiring someone to help you. I have another teacher friend who has someone clean for her but they only come twice a month. It’s enough for her setting. So this may not be as big a thing as one might think at first. The same person has been doing this cleaning for my friend for 30 plus years.

      Perhaps someone you work with can make a recommendation to you.

    12. red fish boo fish*

      My technique when the kids were young was to do the bare minimum during the week, but saturday morning *everyone* pitched in for two hours of cleaning. what wasn’t cleaned in 2 hrs wouldn’t get cleaned. I also made a big soup/stew thing on sundays to cover 3 or 4 nights.

    13. Sybil Fawlty*

      Have you tried FlyLady? That’s the system that worked for me.

      It’s hard to raise children and work and manage a home! You are doing all you can, just hang in there and eventually it gets easier.

    14. LilySparrow*

      My kids are now 10 and 12, and IME, the cycle you describe is just normal life.

      We have basic hygeine that happens regularly to get rid of actual dirt/germs and trash, and it helps a lot when they are old enough to have some of those tasks as part of their regular chores. For example, they are now in charge of taking out, folding and putting away their own laundry. The 12yo is fully in charge of her whole wash cycle.

      But in terms of clutter and organization, it’s very much like cooking and dishes – it’s never “done” for more than a few minutes, if that. You’re always either pulling stuff out or putting it away, and then the kids come behind you and create a tornado.

      We push and get things looking really good 10/10 for important visits or special occasions. In between it’s usually a 5-7/10, and if anyone’s been sick or injured, or we had a lot of extra activities or projects, it may hover at 2 or 3/10 for a couple of weeks until we get back on track.

      In terms of systems, I use a Frankenized form of the FlyLady system. I quit getting the emails years ago, but the basic idea of a quick weekly surface clean, zone cleaning and seasonal task rotation still works pretty well for us.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Don’t forget the adage: “cleaning a house with children in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.”

    15. 00ff00Claire*

      I have found the methods of Dana K White very helpful! I’m not naturally tidy, and her blog, books, and podcasts have helped me make sense of keeping the house under control. Her blog and podcast are A Slob Comes Clean. Her books are ‘How To Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind’ and ‘Decluttering at the Speed Of Life’.

      She has a few basic tasks that are the primary focus. Wash the dishes daily is her main one. Doing a five minute pick-up around the house, doing all your laundry on one day instead of spread out across the week, and daily clearing the bathroom floors of random debris (clothes, towels, etc) are some of the others of the top of my head. I take what’s applicable to our household and try to follow her advice. So for me, I’ve learned doing all laundry on one day is way easier than trying to keep up with it throughout the week. I’m still working on things but I can say it has helped me make progress! I like that her advice is more based on dealing with real life instead of a bunch of ideals.

    16. Jules the 3rd*

      We’re going with putting the clutter in big bins, one for LR and for each bedroom. 1x/mo or so, clear them out. No food or laundry in the bins, just papers / books / toys. 4/6yos can totally understand this and help with it.

      And while we can’t afford cleaning help, the bins work well if you can – throw everything in the bin before the cleaners get in, let the cleaners vacuum / sweep / bathroom .

      Overall, the main thing is to have a place for everything to go – if you don’t have a place for it, you have too much stuff. We currently have too much stuff, ‘clear the kid’s closet’ is on my aspirational list for this weekend.

    17. Healthcare Worker*

      FlyLady really helped me when my kids were that age! Also we became the master of “Five Minute Tidy.” Set the timer, everyone does as much as they can for 5 minutes, then stop. Really helpful as we all worked together “against” the clock – no nagging from mom. No matter what was undone, we stopped when the timer went off. As they got older, they were really good at it – they knew exactly what to do for a “3 minute tidy”, “10 minutes” etc. Good luck – this too shall pass!

    18. Tema*

      As someone in a similar circumstance (two working parents, two small kids and issues with depression causing exhaustion) I think just accepting a certain level of mess is inevitable at this stage, and just be kind to yourself about it. That said, the things that do help me are

      1) cleaner comes every other week – that forces us once every other week to at least pick up everything off the floor
      2) box up a big portion of toys and put them in a closet to be rotated with other toys later. That was easier for me than throwing them away and honestly they just sat in the closet and I never roared them and the kids didn’t notice
      3) landing spots – I have little trays and baskets that miscellaneous stuff goes into – change from pockets, pens, business cards. When I’m feeling ambitious I clean one out but at least the mess is collected
      4) telling myself I’d feel much better relaxing if I just cleaned for five minutes – a guilt free sinking into the couch in return for just five minutes of picking up
      5) my 4 year old helps if I make cleaning a game –
      Can you get five toys in the box before I count to 10. That sort of thing (mind you my 2 year old then dumps the box but what can you do?

  13. Invisible Fish*

    I’m looking for 411 on how you made the focus of your life LIFE, not work. I’ve prioritized jobs for 20 years, and now I’ve got to change. I don’t know if I need stories or suggestions or opinions or ideas …. maybe all of them? I’m just floundering. How do I become a new version of myself?

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      Happy Weekend, Invisible Fish! Great question! I am looking forward to seeing everyone’s answers. Always looking for new ideas on this one.

      I had a watershed moment in my early 50s about how quickly time was passing, and how little actual ‘living’ I was doing. I am a devoted calendar & to-do list user at work and home, and when I sat back and realized that I always completely filled my weekends just doing things to be ready for the next work week, I knew it was time to make a change. I made a list of all the ‘living’ things I hadn’t done in years, and developed a plan/schedule to reintroduce them. I did so by moving some of those week-prep things to weeknights (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking work lunches) to clear the decks for the weekend to be, even partially, a time to enjoy life. I gave the plans silly names in my calendar to dupe myself into complying, like “Laundry Monday” and “Tuesday Work Lunch Spectacular”, and made actual calendar appointments for the fun stuff, so that they would ping on my phone. I would get reminders like, “It’s Sewing Day, Wheee! Starts in 30 minutes…..” which would snap me out of robot mode and make me step away from the vacuum.

      The hardest part of it was making the list of things I had been missing out on. As a devoted Work Robot, I had lost touch with things I enjoy, so I had a hard time coming up with fun things to do. But over the course of a couple of years, the fun list got longer, it became more routine, and now is a solid habit.

      And so today is a sewing day! And reading AAM. I love Saturdays now!!!

      1. Invisible Fish*

        I’m now going to make myself a little name tag or sign that reads “WORK ROBOT” because that is GREAT!!!!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Oh, yay! Yes, do that! Name tags for all. And when you get home from work, you can take the name tag off & symbolically shed your robotness and have some fun. :)

      2. Trixie*

        Yes to scheduling some chores during the week when possible. I like to straighten up on Thursdays so when I walk in the door on Friday I’m officially able to enjoy the weekend. I also prefer some errands during the week because it’s so crowded on weekends. (Groceries, errands, etc.)

        It’s the combination of quickly time passes combined with we always think we’ll have next week or next month to tackle a new hobby or trip, etc. Suddenly , it’s a year later and our habits haven’t changed much.

      4. Lemonish*

        So much yes to moving chores to the middle of the week. My entire Saturday used to get eaten by grocery shopping and Sunday was about batch cooking and getting ready for the week. Now, I grocery shop on Thursdays after work. And I wake up early and do batch cooking on Friday morning. It’s so good enter the weekend with my most onerous tasks already done.

        Also, if you can afford to outsource something, do it. We have a weekly cleaner, which ensures that our house is always at a basic level of cleanliness without the fairness/equity/timing struggles my husband and I used to have.

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      Time is the first and best answer. You cannot devote yourself more to life if you’re still working 50-hour weeks: there is just not enough time. One-hour chunks of free time between work/dinner/cleanup and bedtime cannot give you what you want.

      To that end, can you work less? Retire? Off-load most of your housework to paid services? More than one of the above?

      That’s my big opinion, but honestly, I’m mostly just cheering you on. I wish you all the best!

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It’s why I’m trying to get my rear in gear to change jobs. Since they eliminated WFH, I have little energy for home. I’ve had my guitar out maybe twice this year, I haven’t had friends over, I’ve stopped going to my knitting group, and ive never set up the crafts room in the new house. It’s a bad example for my child, too. “All work & no play make Jack a dull boy” turns out to be more than Jack is boring to be around—this Jackie is burning out and wants time to create.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Following. I’m trying to find balance myself. I have been doing various version of what Nellie recommended – trying to do things during the week, so the weekend was spent “on me” not on preparing for the next work week.

      It has helped a bit to schedule some activity (trip to IKEA, play, dinner with friends, exercise classes) each and every weekend, so that I was not at home, being (love this phrase) a “home robot.”

      I looked at where I wanted to be, 10 years from now, and that was engaged with friends, hobbies, and new learning activities, with as much of my health as possible. I’m trying to mentally shift, so that I do not describe myself as my job, or even ask folks in social situations “what do you do?” Instead, I’m trying to be – even a little bit at a time – focusing on the inside, future me. Think of what you are interested in. (I couldn’t think of much, but I’m trying to do things I’ve never done before, one in each area – friends, learning, fitness, hobby – and when I find one interesting at all, pursuing it for a bit in a low-stakes way.) At the very least, I try to do 30 minutes challenges – try to do something I’ve never done before (or not for years) for 30 minutes. Hang curtain rods. belly dance. take a glass blowing class. It’s been fun. And stretching each time.

    5. Queer Earthling*

      Due to my mental health, I stopped being able to work a traditional job, so I learned to focus on non-work things so I had something to do. This is not the route I’d recommend, personally. It was pretty uncomfortable.

      I think maybe thinking, “What is it I’m dissatisfied with, exactly?” is a good start. And maybe “What do I wish I had time for/what do I wish I’d done the last 20 years instead of working/what interests have I not had time to pursue” might be another good question.

    6. Coffeelover*

      Really interesting thread! I’m on the other end of work life (I’ve only worked for 5 years), but this is already something that bothers me. My schedule used to be so packed with fun back when I was studying and it feels like it just died completely. It doesn’t help that I moved to a new city and have struggled to meet people. It feels like the days always fill up with work and chores, and I don’t have the energy to do much else.

      I have a ways to go, but I have been doing a few things recently that have made it better. 1) I signed up for language classes (twice a week in the evening) – makes me feel challenged and like I’m learning again; 2) taking care of my health – no junk food, drinking water, exercising, tackling my chronic insomnia, etc (so I have more energy in the evenings); 3) reading more; 4) trying to have more fun AT work (so it doesn’t feel like such a time suck).

    7. Bluebell*

      Have you read anything by Gretchen Rubin? The Happiness Project has a lot of good ideas. In 2018 she asked people to come up with 18 for 2018 and it didn’t have to be all work activities/accomplishments. Maybe you can start prepping for 20 things in 2020? I left my 50+ hr a week job last year for health reasons, and am still figuring things out. What I’m enjoying is the fact I now have more time to rest and sometimes just do nothing! But I have done 3 significant trips this year, with different people in my life.

    8. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      Hi, Invisible Fish! This is something that’s really important to me. We are so much more than just how we sell our labor, but so much of the validation we get has to do with that! Here are a few things that have been important for me to create and preserve life over work:
      As Nervous Nellie mentions, putting your fun life things in the calendar/in writing. They are just as worthwhile as work meetings, so they get scheduled with the same diligence.
      Social obligation! I really wanted to get back into the habit of regular hiking, so I set about booking at least one friend to hike with me every Sunday morning for the next eight weeks. I knew I was meeting someone, so I didn’t flake on those hikes, and eventually I was enough in the habit to go by myself. Additional benefit: I wasn’t working or checking work email on Sunday mornings!
      Alone Fridays: one of the most important ways for me to preserve energy to have the full, interesting personal life I want is to make sure I have enough time to recharge. When I started dating my partner, I was very clear that most Friday evenings would be Alone Fridays, when I would be very busy making myself nachos in my underwear while drinking a glass of wine, and then reading a book, and he was not invited. I bring this up because I think it’s important to note that focusing on your life doesn’t always mean doing more things, but rather doing the balance of things that makes you feel great.
      No apologies: I don’t know if this will resonate with anyone else, but a big change for me was to stop apologizing when I couldn’t do a work thing because I was doing a life thing. Instead of “oh I’m so sorry I won’t be able to do that project because I’ll be on vacation,” I’ll say “Oh, that won’t work because I’m on vacation that week. Let’s see who is available then”. I’m not hurting anyone or depriving them by having a life outside of work, and being careful not to apologize has helped me reframe the issue so I don’t feel as guilty/slackery.

    9. Nita*

      I let go of the mindset that I’m responsible for someone else’s lack of planning. If upper management hasn’t hired enough staff, I used to pull 12-hour days to cover the gap. Now I’m learning to accept that sometimes I just don’t get things done on time, apologize, set a new deadline, and life goes on. I’m trying to stop putting my family last – if they need me home at 6:30, I’m out the door at 5 unless there’s a legit emergency (not just “I was told it would be nice to have the report done tomorrow”). If the kids need more time to be put to bed, and I’m falling off my feet when I’m done with bedtime, I’ll pick sleep and a missed deadline over two hours on the computer (again, unless the deadline is really important). Hey, I’ve even picked cooking something nice for dinner the next day over working at night. I guess this makes me a less valuable worker, but I’ve given work everything I had for years, and when I tried to combine it with parenting I got very burned out and just couldn’t find a way to truly make both a priority.

  14. Teapot Translator*

    I’ve been avoiding housework for ages. I don’t know what has happened in the last few years, but I just can’t mentally deal with housework. I finally bit the bullet and contacted a small company that offers cleaning services. They’re coming this morning to evaluate my place and give me a quote. I hope they won’t judge me too harshly and that I’ll be able to afford their price.
    I hope that getting someone in every second week to clean will help me keep the apartment tidy (it needs to be clutter free to be cleaned!) I am grateful that I have enough money to even consider use such service.
    What resources would you recommend to help getting rid of stuff? I’ve read Marie Kondo’s book and it didn’t work for me.

    1. Flash Bristow*

      I’d say do things in little bursts, but *don’t start another till that one is finished*

      That’s where I go wrong.

      My spare room is full of lovely (but too big) clothes, ready to sell ..

      … And crates of books, in their categories…

      Which has freed up loads of space in the room and on the shelves.

      You just have to climb over the bags and crates to use it…

      1. Flash Bristow*

        Should add I’m not well enough to say I’ll take a stall at a sale on x date. If you can tho, do it! I know people who make £100 a time (monthly) and they are the kind of people who have very little – they aren’t selling stuff people will flock to.

        I guess I need to find a stall on a day I’m well …

        Anyway if sorting A Thing at a time, then selling or disposing before trying the same with another Thing is possible, go for it!

        And good luck.

        1. Grace*

          We’ve had really good luck with FB Marketplace and other local buy-sell groups when it comes to getting rid of decade-old clutter without the ability to go to car boot sales or stalls (though because of a lack of time, not health). You’ll probably get a few no-call no-shows, but it’s not too bad. If it’s clothes, I’d say put all the winter stuff online now, then start putting summer clothes on in spring. I know a couple of people who put summer clothes online in that Feb heatwave we had this year, and they made a killing because you couldn’t buy summer clothes in shops.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I have had the WORST luck with FB Marketplace. Or maybe it’s this city. People wait until you’re practically giving it away and then they don’t bother to reply back or show up.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        I try. But then I end up redoing the same area. For example, the little entrance. It’s often crowded, so I’ll tidy up and feel like I’ve accomplished something and then, I do nothing else. So by the time I have the mental energy to, I work on that space again. Sigh.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Don’t worry about being harshly judged – they don’t care. You’re a job to them, and the quality of your reasons for not scrubbing a floor is just not as interesting as the gossip about their sister-in-law’s dating life or whatever.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Yeah I know. But my space is very much my space. So if I perceive or imagine judgment, I’ll close down and then I’ll have to find the energy to open up my home to strangers again.

    3. Disco Janet*

      Marie Kondo didn’t work for me either. Obviously from my post above, I still have work to do (especially with the kids’ stuff – ugh!), but something that helped me a ton with decluttering the main rooms of the house was just going through and realistically asking myself when the last time I used this item was, and not allowing myself to get sucked into how long I’d had an item, where it came from, how much it cost, etc. Just – do I actually use it on a regular basis? If not, I pitched it. I ended up donating three big boxes of stuff from my kitchen alone over the summer, and I haven’t missed a single item. Truth be told, I have a tough time even remembering what most of it was! You might be amazed at what kind of stuff you’re pointlessly holding onto once you actually go through every item in a room.

      1. Trixie*

        I have a separate space I used for storage and also semi-triage area for decluttering. Before giving away the microwave, I set it aside for a few months to make sure I would miss it. I find the best thing about downsizing is the stuff I do have I really, really like. Not just stuff I have because I haven’t unloaded it yet.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Yes, I do that too. I got it from the Apartment Therapy website before they got so glitzy.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        I was thinking about this yesterday.
        I think I have a hard time getting rid of stuff because of guilty: guilt of not using it enough, guilt for spending money on it, guilt for not appreciating it enough if it was a gift. So, if I do nothing, I don’t have to deal with the guilt. Whereas if I got rid of stuff, I’d get rid of the guilt, but it’s hard

        1. Trixie*

          Maybe start with non-gift items? There is no shame in rehoming an item that for whatever reason you no longer need. The added benefit is providing it for someone else you can wants it or can use it, such as clothes, household items, etc. I just did this recently for some paper products which I liked well enought but simply wasn’t using. Found some friends at work who could use them, or had schools in school who could use them. There is absolutely no guilt or shame in finding a better home for items.

          Gifts are more complicated, but you can still appreciate the thought behind the gift without keeping for 5 or 10 years if its something you simply don’t like, want, or need. Same idea where someone else out there can use it.

        2. TurtleIScream*

          Sometimes, when I am stuck on keeping something only because I paid money for it, I ask myself “how much would I have paid to rent this when I DID need it?” Many times, I discover I have gotten a full value of use out of an item. Then it is way easier to let it go.

        3. Arts Akimbo*

          I have a lot of guilt for throwing things away as well. In my case it’s guilt about the environment. I feel tremendous guilt over contributing more than my share of landfill trash if I give my house the deep declutter it needs. (But, I mean, the junk is destined to go that way anyway, so… what’s my deal anyway? Brains are stupid, lol!)

      3. Annaramadanna*

        Two thoughts here re decluttering — and Teapot Translator, I’ve struggled with guilt about getting rid of stuff too. I come from a long line of people who saved things that “might come in handy” someday.
        1) The decluttering book that was most eye-opening and helpful for me is actually an organizing book: “Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD” by Susan Pinsky. It is AWESOME, because a lot of it is actually about decluttering in addition to creating highly effective workflows in the home. I learned more from that book about what to keep and what to let go of than anything else, and how much is “enough.” After using this book, I have and have kept up a tidy bedroom for the first time in my rather long life. Since I’m a visual person, the photos were very helpful for me. Pinsky is also great at walking through those thought processes of having a hard time letting go of things. (I also learned that maybe I have ADHD, because WOW did this book help me.)
        2) I started keeping a spreadsheet to track the number of bags, boxes and large items that leave the house, and for me it’s like a game. I can’t wait to enter another number on that spreadsheet and increase the score of stuff that is OUT of this house. It’s silly, but somehow very motivating for me.

    4. MMB*

      I like to tackle one drawer, closet or cupboard at a time. Sometimes I’ll set a 15-30 minute time limit and a lot of times I’ll find that just making that little bit of progress motivates me to keep going beyond my time limit. Typically, I’ll just grab two trash bags one for trash, one for donations and then dive in. I find that keeping my goals small and spread out over time keeps me from feeling overwhelmed.

      1. The Grammarian*

        I do that, too, in addition to asking myself if I use the thing, if the thing fits me (if it’s clothes), and if the thing still fits my current lifestyle. I just got rid of at least 15 bags of stuff . I feel so free!!!!

        1. MMB*

          Yes! That’s always my prime question “when did I last look for or use this” if it’s been more than a year, I probably don’t need it anymore . There are exceptions to that rule (tools, seasonal items etc) but it’s been helpful.

    5. fposte*

      Cleaning services are the *least* likely to judge you of anybody. You’re why they exist. (Okay, *we’re* why they exist :-).)

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look up list for my other answer, a lot of us are in this boat! My biggest recommendation at this point is Dana K. White”s book “De-cluttering at the speed of life”.
      Now back to my chores for another burst before playing with indoor houseplants.

      1. 00ff00Claire*

        I also recommend Dana K White! Her methods make much more sense to me than Marie Kondo. I started Marie Kondo and got through most of my clothes, but that was all and it was a ton of work. Decluttering following Dana’s methods works so much better for me because you don’t have to block out a big chunk of time, you can fit them into your schedule and your own pace.

    7. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      A couple of things that helped me with decluttering:

      1. For most people, housing is expensive, and more space is more expensive. When you’re thinking about keeping or chucking an item, consider whether it deserves to live rent-free in your house. How much would you pay to store it? Because one way or another you are paying for the space it takes up.

      2. How replaceable is it? So often we keep a useful zipper or an interesting craft project or a too-small party dress. If you got rid of it, and regretted it, could you replace it in 20 minutes or for under $20? If it would be difficult or expensive to replace, it has a higher priority. If it’s $5 in Wal-Mart, let Wal-Mart store it until you actually need it!

      It’s tough, though, because our Stuff isn’t just stuff and it can be very emotional dealing with it. Good luck.

    8. Venus*

      I have a family member who has hoarded all their life, and they got a cleaner a few months ago. If they can make it work, then anyone can. At first they just decluttered the washroom, and had the cleaner do a deep clean there. They paid for 2.5 hours, and took it all up with the washroom. The next week, the cleaner did the washroom, and a deep clean of one small part of the kitchen. The next week, it was the same clean with a bit more of the kitchen. A few months later, and the apartment is being cleaned every two weeks – but not the bedroom as that is where all the clutter is piled. The family member still has a lot of stuff, and their bedroom is a mess, but it is now clean and much more tidy. It’s such a change!

      In their case they hired a service which does a specific amount of time (app-based). They tipped them reasonably well ($15), and just paid what they could afford each week. The same couple cleaners kept returning and seemed happy to be there, and they clearly weren’t judging. In fact one in particular mentioned that they are most happy when they have a real impact, and it was clear that they were for this family member!

      I have also hired someone to do part of the work – they don’t have to clean the place from top to bottom. There would be a minimum amount of time, so for example they might say that they won’t do less than 2 or 3 hours, but I have had someone come just to clean the bathroom, mop floors, and a few other things… and they happily did that for years. That way it was financially possible for me, and I had someone to do the bits that I hated most.

      1. Pony tailed wonder*

        This was helpful to read about a different approach to hoarding problems. Thank you for sharing. There is someone in my life who might do it this way when I let them know about it.

        1. Venus*

          I’ve told a few people in my life, to encourage them to try it. This person has struggled for decades, and hasn’t really let anyone into their home for years (including close family). It may not work for everyone, but sometimes it’s good to think outside the box. I’m so happy for this person, as they rent and are always worried about an emergency that will require them to have repairs and a visit from the landlord, so this has alleviated so much worry. This was also a way to make it affordable, because a bunch of us in the family had offered to have someone specialized visit, but those tend to be expensive and I think it was overwhelming to do it all at once. Booking it through the app may have also helped, so that it didn’t feel like an obligation (it was easy to cancel, so they didn’t feel pressured).

      2. No Name*

        We are the same as your hoarder family. A cleaner comes once a fortnight for two hours and it has changed our lives. Because we are forced to do a tidy up before the cleaner arrives (we all hate cleaning), it takes 20min to tidy up instead of three days. I realise though that being able to afford a cleaner is a privilege but I strongly encourage you to closely look at the budget and see if you can work it. I used to feel overwhelmed and exhausted looking at the mess but now I like being home.

        Other things that make a big difference:
        1. Everything has a Place now where it belongs. If it doesn’t have a place, get rid of it. I have a small house and all our junk usually ended up crammed in wherever it would fit. No more. If it doesn’t have a proper spot, I don’t want it.
        2. Use the kids. I used to be a stay at home mum and the kids had me well trained that is was faster and easier to do it myself. I had the time and energy then. Started full time work three years ago and I just couldn’t cope anymore. Start small. I started off with them loading and emptying the dishwasher. They will need help learning where to put things and you will need to let go if they don’t fill it exactly how you would have. Then we added I would supervise cleaning the loungeroom and their bedrooms. I give you warning, they will push back. It will take two hours to do a 20 min job. Your head will explode. But they do learn (the everything has a Place really helps with the kids cleaning too. They have to put it away properly, not just make a bigger mess dumping it somewhere else). They are pretty good now. Still untidy but not as bad (it is amazing how they don’t suddenly care to empty the toybox for no reason across the loungeroom when they know they will be picking it up before the cleaner comes around).
        3. Do it in small bits. My ‘everything has a place project’ has been ongoing over 12 months. I still have the laundry cupboard and a corner of the loungeroom to go. Do the easiest rooms first. Ask a friend to help if there is a particular room that overwhelms you for help throwing things out.
        I have been where you are and I am still working it out as I go along. Good luck.

        1. No Name*

          The cleaner mops the floors, cleans the bathroom and toilet and then does whatever to make up the rest of the time, usually the kitchen.

    9. OperaArt*

      If you’re looking for a book, “Decluttering at the Speed of Life” by Dana K. White. Her approach is about making visible progress even if you only have 5 minutes to spare. And it doesn’t require making a temporary big mess.

      1. not Lynn Davis*

        Love Dana K White — someone on AAM recommended her several months ago. Her “visibility rule” (start decluttering at the door/etc where people will see, not in the linen closet) never would have occurred to me. Her podcast is great too – like to listen while cleaning/decluttering.

    10. SharedDrive User*

      I like and use “Decluttering at the Speed of Life”, which actually takes on the challenge in little bites. It’s do-able, and I find that having even a small area decluttered helps motivate me to take on another. It’s not fast, mind you!

    12. Liz*

      I don’t have any resources but what I will do is one of two things. Either focus on something, like my coffee table, or dining room table, one thing at a time, and then move on to the next one. OR, for variety, although this doesn’t work quite as efficiently, is work on putting everything that goes in the kitchen away, bedroom and so on. I tend to collect clutter as the week goes on.

      I also try and do small things after work. Things that might take 30 minutes max. like my shredding, or reorganizing and cleaning out a drawer or cabinet.

  15. Loopy*

    I’m starting to think about Christmas and I’m already stumped on my husband. We have a lot of STUFF- and he never uses even practical gadgets, so I need to start thinking outside the box. I live in a super touristy area so there aren’t a lot of experience type gifts that are jazzing me and we are already going on a big trip in early Dec. His work schedule is impossible to predict and all over the place so signing him up for a class would be a disaster (but that’s another idea I liked).

    Has anyone gotten any out of the box ideas for hard to buy people? I’m sure this topic comes up fairly often closer to the holidays. Just looking for general ways people have gone outside of typical gifting ideas. Experiences would be good but nothing near us is jumping out and classes are out too :(.

    1. Lehigh*

      Is there anything he might like a membership to (like a museum, zoo, etc.)? Then you wouldn’t need to schedule him, but he’d be able to go whenever he liked.

      I always like the gift of consumables–fancy candy, drinks, or sauces, for instance. In my case I really appreciate a nice hand lotion, although that’s not for everyone.

      Does he have a favorite TV show, book, or movie that you could get him some “merch” for? A mug or T-shirt that goes with his interests?

      Maybe he has a pet hobby or cause–would he like a shirt from the Arbor Day Foundation, or a star-trek themed ice tray, or something along those lines?

      1. Loopy*

        He’s totally a homebody! Sadly memberships are out. I may have to go the consumables route, which is always a good one, I’ve just done it before. He’s a bit frugal with gift cards to places (he likes beer) so maybe I’ll go get help somewhere to get him something really nice he would have not bought for himself (he’s always trying to stretch gift cards out/get the most out of them!).

        1. Kuododi*

          Under the heading of consumables I have been known to fill up a big basket with all the stinky snack food that DH loves and I tolerate. (He loves stuff like sardines, olives, stinky cheese, dill pickles and A&W root beer. EEEW!!!) I’m sure you’d be able to come up with something comparable for your partner. Blessings

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Root beer is a funny thing — if you don’t have it as a child, you usually despise it. I know two European’s whow like it: one who lived in the US around age 5, and one who grew up next to a US military base that had a lot of interaction with the local community.

            2. Kuododi*

              Oh I’m sure for the fans, A&W is a great product. I’ve simply never enjoyed root beer of any brand. I don’t remember however I’d bet a nickel there’s some type of issues dating back to childhood and Mom’s ongoing issues around food and what constitutes healthy eating. Think about it. My distaste for Root Beer means a better world supply for those who really want the stuff!!! (Silver lining and all that!!!)

          3. Loopy*

            The basket o goodies idea is really making the consumables more appealing- thanks! I love the idea of a mish mash of all sorts of neat things.

          1. Loopy*

            Ooo I didnt know about monthly growler clubs even being a thing, but I should check out local breweries more- we have a ton! Maybe they’ll offer something unique. Thanks!

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          The surprise big hit last year’s birthday was a specialty bourbon. I am thinking Scotch or Cognac this year, but I want to sneak a look at his ‘good stuff’ stash so it’s not a duplicate.

        4. Jules the 3rd*

          My husband likes beer. He’s working his way through Beer Advocate’s top choices. He’s thinking of taking a beerfriend (as I do not like beer) on a trip through the US midwest to various microbrews (though I’m considering going as their driver). If you have $$, a weekend trip to Boston’s Extreme Beer Fest (Jan 30 – Feb 2) or to one of the breweries that does microbatches might be cool. Toppling Goliath (IA) and Tree House Brewing (MA) have 2 and 3 (respectively) of the top beers on BeerAdvocate right now, assuming you are in the US. If you’re in Europe, Westvleteren in Belgium is the usual stop, 3 hrs north of Paris.

        5. Liz*

          Does he like trying different things? I subscribe to Universal Yums, which is a box of snacks, candy etc. from different countries; one each month. You can do a subscription or monthly boxes; and can choose from a small, medium or larger box; i do the medium and its $25 a month. I love it. Some of the things haven’t been all that good but others were AMAZING. And each month’s box has info on the country, etc. and on what’s in the box.

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        Yes this! I got my husband a beer of the minth club once and he loved it- Itfeatured all sorts of small breweries and came with a write up of each beer. I’ve also done coffee of the month too.

      2. Loopy*

        I looked at those last year (esp. beer ones) but when we tried even a food type box between the two of us in the past, we could never keep up with it. A good problem to have but I’ve never found some small enough that it wouldn’t be overwhelming for one! We don’t have much food/drink overlap (I don’t drink and I’m vegetarian, he loves craft beer and meat!). If anyone has seen a fairly small subscription box, that would be ideal!

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          My local butcher has bratwurst and steak of the month clubs. Check with your butcher? Our steak of the month club is only two steaks.

      3. Owler*

        Our local bookstore has a book-of-the-month subscription service, where you can choose the length of commitment and the genre.

    3. Disco Janet*

      My husband is like this too! One thing I generally include with his Christmas presents is nicer versions of things he uses – like, I know he appreciated fancy nice-smelling soap and hand cream, but if he’s buying it for himself he always gets whatever is cheapest. I know that’s pretty basic, but hopefully others will leave suggestions and it will add up to something useful.

      I hear you on the never using practical gadgets. I got my husband a nice tablet since he frequently watched Youtube on his small phone…he still uses the phone. I got him a water flosser because he’s obsessed with oral hygeine…he still uses regular floss.

      Mine does also appceiate gifts that are a bit more adult – the gifts he does ask for are generally things I can’t let him open in front of others.

    4. Max Kitty*

      Can you do something he would like to do during the December trip and call it an early Christmas present for him? Fancy meal, visit something or do an experience you wouldn’t do otherwise?

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! This was my immediate thought, something special to do/see/eat/take along on the December trip.

      2. Loopy*

        I’m thinking this may have to be his birthday present, he’s a Dec baby, so that still leaves Christmas! But yes, this is something I’ll definitely do!

    5. Lcsa99*

      I wouldn’t totally discard the class idea. Especially one shot deals. Groupon has a ton and the groupon is generally good for 165 – 180 days after you buy it so you can wait to sign up for the actually class until you know what his schedule will be. You could also see if something like coursehorse has gift cards so you can again wait till you have his schedule to sign up for something in particular.

    6. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I got someone an hour flying a tiny airplane once. A friend was licensed as a teacher so we only had to pay the rental on the plane, which was ~$130. It would, of course, be more expensive if you have to pay the pilot.

    7. HannahS*

      Magazine subscription? Subscription to one of the boxes that delivers snacks or a new craft beer or makeup or whatever floats your boat (and is consumable; will not just be new stuff) every month?

      1. LilySparrow*

        Magazines have been great for my hard-to-buy people. I’ve given Smithsonian, Mother Earth News, Scientific American, etc.

        My husband and kids fight over the new Popular Mechanics every month. There’s some great stuff out there.

    8. I don’t post often*

      For his birthday, my husband and I went on a trip, rented a more expensive room than normal and ate at a more expensive restaurant. So possibly something as simple as that could be a gift? We are not big travelers and certainly wouldn’t have spent that much money on an overnight trip otherwise.

    9. Fran*

      What about a gift card for a massage? My SO is very picky and wants presents to be useful and a surprise at the same time. Last year he gave me a hint about a tool . I bought one but he was eying one with an additional feature on the same price range so, I had to change it. I told him we are shopping together this year and it is ok not to be surprised. I got him something he really liked related to his hobby in the summer as a surprise.

    10. MMB*

      I’ve gotten my husband massage/facial gift certificates and a gift certificate for car detailing. He loved them. I also gave him a fitbit which he’s become obsessed with!

    11. knead me seymour*

      For a slightly less traditional alternative, I’ve had success with the favour coupon method. If you can think of something you could do for him (one big thing or an ongoing thing) that he would really appreciate, or something that you normally don’t like to do that you’re willing to do occasionally for his sake, that can be a nice gift.

    12. Washi*

      Things I have done for my husband:
      Framing an old poster so it is classy enough for me to be willing to put on the wall
      Printed every email we sent to each other and put them in a book (we did a lot of long distance our first 2 years)
      Made a photo album of stuff we’ve done together
      Knitted various items
      Planned a camping trip with friends
      Took him to an obstacle course as a surprise

      As the others said, I don’t know why the class is out? Lots of groupons and other classes don’t require you to pick a date ahead of time. So no, I understand you can’t present him with a pre-scheduled class, but you could definitely find something and then schedule it once you know when he’s working.

    13. Wishing You Well*

      I’m very non-mainstream in this area. We don’t give each other gifts. We do for a lot of other people, but not for each other. It takes a lot of pressure off both of us. You do you, of course.

      1. cat socks*

        We’re the same way. This year we’ve been on a couple of vacations and bought a new TV so that’s sort of our gift to each other.

      2. Traveling Teacher*

        Seconded! We both like weird hobbies that require super-specific supplies to create, so gift-giving had devolved into “what do you want” sessions for every birthday and Christmas. Not really in the spirit of things!

        So, we just give each other a gift budget of around 40-50 euros (or a bit more if it’s going to be cost-saving to buy a supply in bulk) and then ask each other what we spent it on when the packages arrive. Now, both of us usually wait til the post-Christmas sales to buy our “Christmas” gifts ;)

        Works for us, and we still have the fun of picking out presents for the children, family members, etc.

      3. Clisby*

        We don’t either, except for maybe some token gift like a CD or book we know the other would like. We’re much more likely to come up with something we both want, and go out and buy it for ourselves for Christmas. One exception was that the kids and I bought my husband an iPad for a splurge birthday present one year – he was completely surprised, and loves it.

    14. Not A Manager*

      Does your husband even enjoy receiving gifts? I don’t. They’re not my love language, and generally wind up feeling like an obligation to me. If you get a similar vibe from your husband, maybe you could agree that you don’t get him a gift but you do do something else that is valuable to him.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        This is a great comment.

        Is there anything he already has that could be spruced up? Rewaterproofing or relining a favourite winter coat, respraying the car, resoling shoes or boots, fixing a leaky downpipe? The stuff that goes to the bottom of the list because he’s so often working. If he’s an Acts of Service kind of guy then arranging for one of those might be appreciated.

      2. Loopy*

        He does. We don’t do much during the year (anniversaries and valentines day are hugely low key for us), normally we are super low maintenance but he loves putting a lot of thought and care into Christmas and birthday gifts. They aren’t hugely expensive but they are always so carefully chosen. The thought of telling someone what you want seems pointless to him and he bristles a little bit if you ask him what he wants (because he could get it for himself). While we never buy each other things randomly, Christmas and birthdays he bursts out with really carefully curated gifts. I’m starting to think it IS kind of his love language.

    15. My Brain Is Exploding*

      We just buy each other a small gift ($5 -$10) so we have something to unwrap and then figure out something to buy that’s for both of us. Might be tickets to something, one year it was a new printer, one year it was a camera.

    16. Lemonish*

      For his birthday a year and a half ago, I got my husband a subscription to Bokksu, which is a monthly box of snacks from Japan. He loves snacks and he likes Japanese food. It was such a big hit, he requested another year.

      One year, he got me a subscription to Audible and I loved it. I was driving by a lot and it was great to listen to Audiobook in the car.

    17. Mephyle*

      I’m like Wishing You Well: my very out-of-the box idea is to drop out of Christmas giving. My husband comes from a tradition where adults barely give each other gifts anyway; Christmas gifts are brought on Epiphany by the Three Kings, and only for children. So it was very easy to drift out of the whole Christmas gift thing.
      I think it made more sense up to, say, sixty or eighty years ago when ordinary people like us had way fewer possessions; a Christmas gift was something special. Nowadays I can get myself anything I want any time I want, and no one knows as well as I do what will please me.
      A few years ago we had several of my daughter’s in-laws staying with us over the Christmas season, and I was getting quite anxious about the prospect of choosing gifts for people I didn’t know well, and accepting gifts from people who didn’t know what I liked, either. Then I got the idea to ask my daughter to pass the word that we don’t do Christmas gifts. It worked out great! Much fun was had, without cluttering up the holiday with yet more stuff.

      1. Loopy*

        Despite how hard he is to buy for, my husband really actually enjoys the gifting part of Christmas. But I mentioned above he’s really thoughtful about it. It doesn’t have to be expensive at all, but he puts lots of thought into gifts for me and I try to do the same for him because while I wouldn’t say it’s his love language overall, for Christmas it kind of fills that role as a yearly way to express thought about someone that’s been really well planned and researched.

    18. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      My husband is similarly unfazed by ‘stuff’. What I’ve done for the past few years is focus on the experience (we only do birthdays, but the principal’s the same).
      I buy a few gifts that I HOPE he will actually like/use and hide them around the house. His card contains the first clue, and each gift has the clue for the next etc. The last gift has a clue to where we’re going/ what we’re doing next. He’s always loved it, even when he ends up not using the presents!
      Last year’s activity was especially popular and one of the cheapest. We went to a board game store and tested out the games and even ended up buying one! Super fun.
      If you have kids at home, get them to help with the clues! Hope this and/or some if the other suggestions on this thread help.

    19. Anon5775*

      How about gift cards to get his hair cut (maybe at a more upscale place than he normally goes to) or upgrading things in his life to make them more luxurious? Like getting really nice sheets for the bed or an expensive razor that is higher quality than what he usually buys. Or taking care of some detestable task like cleaning the car or the gutters and hiring someone to do that?

    20. Policy wonk*

      I get my husband tickets to a ballgame, play, car show, concert, or something similar that he likes. He is also a homebody, but has enjoyed the occasional outing.

    21. Observer*

      I didn’t read every suggestion, but a few ideas come to mind. One is a subscription box for something other than food – there are lots of them out there, so there might be something your husband likes. Also, a subscription to something on demand and computer based. Lastly, lessons again, something that is either computer or phone based.

    22. Loopy*

      Thanks to everyone, I’ve read all the responses but don’t have time to reply individually right now! Definitely feeling like I have a few options to explore now!

  16. Alex*

    Asking this for my lovely elderly neighbor: She is slightly disabled, in that she uses a walker to get around longer distances than about 10 feet, and has difficulty with fine motor tasks. She’s otherwise independent and has no difficulty living alone. She’s also low income and has to keep a strict budget.

    She told me that she has to go get a pedicure at a salon in order to have her toenails trimmed (she gets the whole pedicure, but primarily goes because she can’t trim her own toenails). I feel like there MUST be some kind of cheaper way to get this accomplished–I imagine a lot of elderly people can’t trim their own toenails but also don’t need actual home care. I’ve looked into my local elder services organization, and they have no suggestions–they only provide home care to more serious cases. Medicare only covers “medically necessary” toenail trimming, like if you have diabetes or something. This woman doesn’t have diabetes–she just can’t physically operate the clippers.

    I looked into a few podiatrists and while they do offer this service, it is even more expensive than a full pedicure at a salon. I feel really bad that she has to spend money she doesn’t have on this simple task.

    Any ideas on where to look for options? This seems like such a simple thing and yet…I’ve hit so many dead ends.

    1. Lehigh*

      The only thing I can think of is some salons may offer pedicures without the polish, which would probably last longer without starting to look chipped/old/etc. and might cost a bit less to boot. Not much help, but that’s what I would look for in her position.

      1. Red Sky*

        This is what my mother-in-law does. She’ll visit the podiatrist a few times a year for a foot check up and they’ll trim them, but between visits she goes to the local beauty school for a clear polish pedicure and pays I think $10 + tip. I’ve offered to do it for her, but I think she’s just more comfortable having a stranger do it, if that makes sense.

      2. Joanne’s Daughter*

        That’s what I was going to suggest. The cost is very minimal and students are happy for the experience.

    3. Dancing Otter*

      My mother had hers done at the podiatrist’s office with Medicare coverage, because she had diabetes and couldn’t take the risk of an infection.
      This was ten+ years ago, so rules may have changed, and she had good supplement insurance. Still, it’s worth considering the possibility of coverage.

      1. Strikingfalcon*

        This is what my grandma does. Her podiatrist comes to her house, but it is covered like a doctor’s visit would be. Of course, insurance coverage matters here, and I know your neighbor might not have enough coverage. My grandma does have an aide come daily, but they will not cut toenails.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        Medicaid covers toenail trimming for a relative at the podiatrist’s office. She just can’t reach her toes and does not have diabetes.
        Contact your local senior services office for advice.

        1. Rebecca*

          Seconding this, my mother goes to a podiatrist, she can’t trim her own toenails, and they’re thick with some sort of condition, and she isn’t diabetic.

    4. Sunflower*

      Has she(or you) talked to the salon? Salons make their money on turning chairs and I’d have to imagine that they would be open to doing it for a much smaller amount if she was only going to be there for 5 minutes. If a pedicure runs you $45 and takes an hour in the chair, it would definitely be worth it for the salon to charge her $10 for a 5 minute nail trim?

        1. Alex*

          Yeah, that’s a good point–maybe I’ll ask some local salons if they do/would provide this service. She isn’t great at advocating for herself/asking these kinds of questions, so you’re probably right that she hasn’t asked.

          1. Deanna Troi*

            Yes, the nail salon in our Walmart will clip your toenails for $7, which I think is a great deal.

    5. university minion*

      That *is* the cheaper option. Additionally, if she’s found someone at her salon who does a good job, that’s worth continuing to go there. Ingrown toenails are no joke and best avoided. Additionally, that little bit of pampering can go a long way towards brightening the day of someone who otherwise has a pretty austere life. If anything, I’d look for ways to support her continuing to go to her chosen salon.

      On the bright side, it makes holiday shopping for this neighbor easy (if that’s a thing you do).

      1. Alex*

        Yes, I’ll probably get her a gift cert. at some point, but I can’t give her (and she would never accept from me) the ongoing help that she needs. She is in debt at the moment, so she really doesn’t have money for luxuries, unfortunately. Even getting ends to meet is tough for her.

        1. Natalie*

          If you like spending time with her and don’t mind getting a pedicure yourself, would she let you treat?

    6. Anono-me*

      The Community Ed progam in my town offers ‘peticare’ days as part of the Senior progam. Basically people with health constraints can get their nails trimmed but not painted.
      You may want to check your communities Community Ed program and any Elder groups (clubs not gov. agencies) in your community for something similar that you could mention to your neighbor.

      1. Alex*

        I wish that this were available in my area! We do have a local Senior center with activities and stuff, but they don’t do this. I checked.

        Maybe I could try to join as a volunteer and inspire them to start offering this. I bet there are tons of seniors in this situation.

    7. Jaid*

      Amazon sells the “Big Black Clippers”, which is basically nail clippers on a stick. The reviews sound promising. It’s about 65 dollars.

    8. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Double check about Medicare. I’ve been getting my toenails cut at the podiatrist for a couple of years. Ever since my knees wouldn’t bend enough to allow me to do it myself. No problems with MC paying for it. You can only go every nine weeks (63 days).

    9. Asenath*

      Around here there are a number of people who offer home foot care – they generally advertise locally with posters and online listings. They’re usually licensed practical nurses or registered nurses running their own small business, and although it’s been a few years since I knew the price from someone who used the service, I think they were a lot cheaper than either a salon or a podiatrist. It might not be an option for someone with serious foot problems (like diabetic foot problems), but on the other hand, they’re probably better equipped for spotting potential health problems than a salon employee might be.

      If you’ve got a local senior’s association, they’d probably know all about resources like that.

    10. knead me seymour*

      Have you tried looking into a mechanical solution–as in, finding an alternative pair of clippers that she’s able to use? I’m not sure if such a thing exists, but it seems like it should.

    11. Zelda*

      A hospital system in my hometown had a visiting-nurse/homemaker division that placed parish nurses in local churches and had a roving foot care person scheduled every month at those churches. The fee was $25, I don’t know if that’s expensive or not.

    12. Policy wonk*

      If there is a beauty school nearby she may be able to get her nails done more cheaply, or if you know a student they may be willing to go to her home and trim her nails for a few dollars.

    13. e271828*

      If she can’t operate the clippers, then Medicare should pay for a podiatrist. Her PCP and the podiatrist should be able to sort the billing out on this. It is not diabetes-dependent!

    14. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My grandmother used to go to a foot clinic at the local senior center to get her toenails trimmed. It was on a schedule where they had certain days they were at each location on a rotation and you’d make appointments in advance. (I think it was quarterly.)

    15. blaise zamboni*

      Why is she unable to operate the clippers? If it’s a problem with reaching her feet, then the salon might be the best bet for her, or one of the community options recommended by others. But if she has an issue with her hands (I’m thinking badly arthritic fingers, maybe?), could she use an electric file for her nails instead of traditional clippers? Then she would just need to grip the device and be capable of pushing the button, which is maybe more accessible. The ones I found are in the $20-30 range so not prohibitively expensive.

    16. ...*

      If she knows the nail salon ladies by now maybe just ask for only a trim? would only take a second for them and I bet they’d do it for a fraction of the cost. I honestly think getting a pedi is a good workaround bc having someone come from a service or going to the dr is gonna be way more $$ as you stated.

  17. Teapot Translator*

    Travel thread?
    I don’t have the time to travel in the foreseeable future, so I’d love to hear about other people’s plans.

    1. WellRed*

      Going to New Orleans at Christmas. I won’t have nearly enough time to do all I want, but swamp tour, beignets and bourbon street are all musts!

      1. Clisby*

        I haven’t been to New Orleans in years, but used to go every year for the Jazz & Heritage Festival. Some possibilities: the Historic Voodoo Museum, Mardi Gras World (a working warehouse where MG floats are made year-round), and Preservation Hall (I think they still have music nightly.) Ride the whole St. Charles Streetcar Line.

          1. Sam I Am*

            Tipitina’s for music, and if you’re over on that side of town, walking Magazine Street is great. Loads of shops & restaurants. It’s a “chandelier” city, and there are a lot of light/antique stores there with beautiful fixtures in the windows.
            The WWII museum is pretty incredible, but I wish I’d had more than a day to spend there; I felt rushed at the end.
            The Saenger Thearer is the most beautiful theater I’ve ever been in. They don’t do tours, but if there’s something there you’re interested in, it’s a stunning venue.
            The Sydney and Walda Besthoff Sculpture Garden is also pretty amazing, I don’t know much about art, but it seemed to be modern pieces instead of classical pieces, if that makes sense.

    2. Disco Janet*

      I know there are some posters on here who this would be a nightmare for, but we’re planning a big, family trip to Disney World next summer, and I’m so excited about it! We went last summer with the kids and they’re the percect ages for it – my oldest is young enough to still be sooooo excited to meet characters, but tall enough that he can also go on the coasters, which he loves. Since it’s a multi-generational trip, that means my husband and I will get in some date nights, and they have some amazing restaurants and bars there I’m looking forward to visiting/revisiting. My favorite is their tiki bar, which is hidden away (down a side hallway in a resort, and the door to get in is totally plain) – once you get inside, the decorations are amazing, and different performances and special effects happen based on what drinks you order. And I really do love the Disney rides and their nighttime shows. Plus we’ve been enough times to be experts about not waiting in long lines and getting lower crowds.

      2. Liz*

        Fun! one of my bosses is going next spring, same thing, multi generational. they rent a house that sleeps liek 30, and while they do all get together for some things, they are not joined at the hip, and can do their own thing, etc.

    3. Bluebell*

      Tour scheduled for Dec in Cuba, and thinking about Paris this spring. Btw, my summer trip to Iceland was great. Beautiful nature, nice people, and I even enjoyed the quirky licorice flavored ice cream and candy.

    4. Nessun*

      Going to Ontario (from Alberta) later this month, for work, then Santa Barbara for Christmas to see my sister’s family, and then Spain in January for the craziest work trip I never thought I’d go on. Really hoping to get in some sight seeing on that last one!

    5. fuzzfrogs*

      Going to Seattle at the beginning of December, entirely because I’m a giant nerd…Seattle has a theater company called Book-It Repertory that does adaptations of books into theater productions. A few years ago they adapted one of my very favorite books, Howl’s Moving Castle, into a musical. They’re doing a revival this December and I felt I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to go. For context, I live in Florida, so it’s more than a little silly to be doing this. But now I’ll get to experience three whole days of actual winter, so that’s nice.

      2. Zephy*

        Hi, fellow Florida person! I just got back from Seattle, lol. Book-It Repertory sounds really cool – looking at their website, it appears they weren’t doing anything while I was in town, so at least I didn’t miss anything.

        Bring a hat and gloves! If you don’t already have some, either buy them online or when you get there. Winter gear sold in Florida brick-and-mortar stores is 100% decorative.

        1. fuzzfrogs*

          I’m actually sewing myself a coat for the occasion with matching mittens, so I will be very warm lol. Considering where best to get thick socks though…

          1. Alexandra Lynch*

            Bombas has lovely soft snuggly wool socks, and I find that in cold/wet conditions, wool socks are the best for my arthritic feet to prevent a Raynaud’s episode.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        As a Midwesterner who spent ten years in Seattle, I’m not sure I’d call Seattle’s an “actual winter,” haha, but I hope you enjoy your show!

        1. FuzzFrogs*

          It was in the 60s this weekend here in Florida and everyone is exclaiming how COLD it is. And I absolutely hate being cold. So I’m going to prepare for the Arctic in the hopes of being somewhat warm on balance, haha.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Haha! Prepare for rain while you’re at it. Not heavy rain like y’all’s storms, but constant drizzle and gloom.

    6. Bibliovore*

      Going to London for a week in December. Trying to not get cocky. VRBO in Kensington. For a week. 3rd floor and a lift. Very excited! A little anxious.

      1. Liz*

        I LOVED London. I have a suggestion for you, if you were thinking of doing the changing of the guard. I took a tour, which is basically a walking tour of the same route taken each day. If you stand outside the palace, you see nothing. But this one you see a lot and its not too pricy. just looked, 20 pounds and they guides are fantastic. The company is Fun London Tours. A friend took it a few months before I went and raved about it, and I loved it as well.

        From their website:

        Rather than standing still for hours, we see various stages of the ceremony, including the inspection, Old Guard, New Guard, Palaces, and even march alongside the Guards and Ceremonial Bands!

    7. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’d love to travel, but a nasty combination of economic uncertainty at a national level (nothing new over here) and pending uni exams mean I’m certainly going to stay at home for the next six months.
      But I’d love to hear (read?) everybody else’s plans.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I normally throw a big feast for Thanksgiving, but decided not to for Reasons this year. So instead, I’m going to Disneyworld for Thanksgiving weekend all by myself. (I invited husband, but he doesn’t like large crowds so he is staying home to enjoy a long weekend with the pups.) I have Thanksgiving dinner reservations at Tony’s Town Square (the Lady and the Tramp restaurant), a booking to build a droid in Galaxy’s Edge, a reserved seating for the first night of Epcot’s Candlelight Processional, and a ticket to Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party. Should be a lovely and relaxing way to kick off my holiday season. (Because between now and then, I have to crochet 115 more hexagons and write two 25 page papers, so god knows I’m not relaxing before Thanksgiving. :) )

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We don’t travel much, but a friend from Iceland is coming to NYC some time this year so I’ll be playing local tour guide. I used to work in Midtown Manhattan, and I’m looking forward to the chance to play tourist. One silly thing we do when we have friends come from Scandinavia, we drive north of the city proper into suburbia, so they can have a picture taken in Valhalla.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I just added a behind the scenes food tour of the Magic Kingdom this morning!

    9. thankful for AAM*

      I have my sites set on Sicily for 2020 or 2021 – I want to do a Rick Steves tour there. I like the itinerary and there are lots of vegan options there it looks like.

    10. Desperately seeking cute kitty*

      I’m currently in Whangarei, a couple of hours north of where I live in Auckland. I don’t have the energy to do much because I walked the half marathon in the Auckland Marathon a couple of weekends ago, so I’m just lying under a tree at Whangarei Falls and listening to the waterfall and the other people who are here.

      Next year I’m going to walk another half marathon in Kaikoura, which is on the other side of New Zealand and apparently the course is really pretty.

    12. OtterB*

      Making plans for a family trip to Yellowstone next summer. I have a work trip to Utah and afterwards we are driving up from Salt Lake for two nights at Grand Teton and 5 at Yellowstone. The 5 is a small group tour with some hiking, wildlife and nature viewing, etc. My husband and I each went with our parents when we were teenagers but our young adult daughters haven’t been. If I start training now I should be up to a hike at altitude by then.

    13. Liz*

      Alaskan cruise in June! I was back and forth for a long time about Europe. Mainly because there are so many places I want to see, I couldn’t decide. And then trying to find someone to go with me, which isn’t a huge issue since if not, i’d just do a tour, but then that gets pricy since i’d have to pay the single supplement.

      Anyway, talking with a family member who i’ve been on a cruise with before, and who has been bugging me to go again, i asked if she was interested in going on another (she’s been before, I have not). She jumped at the chance, esp since her husband has zero interest in going to Alaska.

      So we discussed and booked it. Best part is she cruises a TON and has the highest status on our cruiseline, so we get all kinds of perks. including free laundry which will be very helpful.

      its 10 days out of San Francisco. I can’t wait!

  18. Purt’s Peas*

    Question for runners! Any tips on winter running? I’m in the northeast of the US where it gets cold but not too cold—hovers from 20-35F.

    Already I’m planning to wear layers, do warmups faithfully, and only run in dry salted areas so I’m less likely to slip.

    What else should I keep in mind? Previous years I’ve just stopped running in the winter, but I really enjoy outdoor running, so this winter I want to keep it going.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      cover your ears if they get cold? But honestly, the best tip is just to keep at it and adjust your clothing and stuff as you need to.

    2. university minion*

      Chap Stick. All the time. This is going to sound really weird, but once my lips start burning, I’m miserable no matter what.
      I also love my Merino Buff. Once the temp drops, it rarely leaves my head except for getting in the shower or throwing it in the wash.
      So, tl;dr, neither of these are running specific for me, but go a long way towards making my runs (and bike rides) more comfortable in the cold.

    3. LGC*

      Hi from the NYC Marathon expo!

      I’m in the same area, and…you really want to change as SOON as you finish. Your body temperature will drop, and along with having damp clothes on you can be at risk of hypothermia.

      Get lighting – as in, a headlamp, reflective gear, and possibly body lights. You might end up running at night out of necessity.

      Get a good pair of gloves. I have a pair of Nike running gloves. I use them all the time.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Seconding all of LGC’s suggestions plus one more: If you run in the middle of the day (which you can get away with during the winter – and I do this all the time on weekends, because it allows me to sleep in and it’s a lot warmer!) make sure you still wear sunscreen. Many people only think of sunscreen when it’s hot out, but you can get just as sunburned on a 20 degree day!

        LGC, good luck tomorrow!!

    4. Washi*

      I hate starting cold, even though I know I’ll warm up, so I usually put on what I’ll be comfortable in once I get going, plus a thin top layer, and then take off the top layer and tie it around my waist when I get warm.

      I also like headbands over hats, since it’s just my ears that get cold. And I wear super warm socks, even though my feet are hot by the end, because it’s worse if I get snow on my feet and then it melts and my feet are wet and cold.

    5. Stephanie*

      Smartwool socks! I don’t run anymore, but when I did, my Smartwool socks were lifesavers. They keep your feet warm even when they get wet from snow/slush, and they wick sweat like crazy. You can also buy special things to attach to your shoes to help with grip/traction in slippery conditions. I have a touch of asthma, and could not have survived winter outdoor running in Michigan without a neck gaiter over my mouth so I could breathe in slightly warmer air. Layer, layer, layer, and change out of your wet clothes as soon as possible when you’re done, otherwise you’ll be cold all day.

    6. Old and Don’t Care*

      Just do it. The first five minutes are the worst, I usually warm up pretty quickly after that. Daylight makes a big difference though. 20F feels a lot different at noon than at 6 pm. If it’s much below 20 in the evening I have to accept the fact that I’m probably not going to warm up and just repeat my “I can do anything for an hour” mantra.

      You do you. Everyone is different, and it’s not a toughness contest to wear or not wear gloves, a hat, or an extra shirt. You’ll figure out what works for you.

      Having said that, shirts with thumb-holes and jackets with pockets are great.

      Knuckle lights are game changers.

    7. Flavia de Luce*

      As a running veteran of Rhode Island winters, I’ll offer my tips. Definitely wear a headband and gloves. I find hats to be too warm but it’s miserable if your ears get cold. Gloves can really be anything that isn’t too bulky. Running gloves are good, but I also wear random acrylic gloves I’ve accumulated over the years and I’m fine.

      Make sure you start your run a little bit cold. You should be a little chilly for the first 5 minutes because you’ll warm up. And warming up isn’t just important from a warmth perspective, but for your lungs. It’ll get them acclimated to the cold.

      Avoid cotton! Cotton will get soaked with sweat and will make you even chillier. Also, make sure your base layer is tight and close to your body, you don’t want any air to sneak in! On especially cold days, it’s nice to tuck your first layer into your tights. I also like those base layers with the thumb-holes because they prevent air from slipping between your sleeve and the glove. Also, I wear longer socks (make sure they can go over your tights) so that there’s no ankle skin showing.

      Vaseline! I put vaseline over my lips and sometimes under my nose. It can feel kinda gross at first but you get used to it and it keeps my skin/lips from getting all dry and cracked.

      Good luck! I love winter running, as I find it very peaceful, and I hope you do too!

    8. JobHunter*

      A good pair of wraparound sunglasses keeps glare from the snow out of your peripheral vision. Bring a pack of tissues if your nose drips in the cold, to keep your gloves as dry as possible.

  19. Suspicious Packages??*

    I have a very odd situation happening at my NYC apartment building and I’m at a loss for solutions besides throwing the stuff in the trash- which is apparently against the law. Packages keep coming for a person who doesn’t live in my building- according to property management, they have never lived there. There is no apartment number listed and the packages have never been picked up. It started in Mid-September and it’s out of control. We’ve received over 100 PACKAGES IN 45 DAYS. I live in a walk up and the mailman drops packages in the foyer so the packages are sitting and taking up a ton of space. It appears almost, if not all, of them are coming from Amazon

    So far, my property manager has:
    – contacted the post office about returning to the sender but they keep delivering packages. We put a note on our door to not deliver any more packages to this person.
    -Called Amazon who wasn’t able to provide any information.
    -Called the police who laughed at him. I also called the police and they laughed at me as well. They confirmed we can’t trash the boxes and directed us to the post office.

    So I know this is on my property manager to keep the packages out of the way(fire, tripping hazard) but I’m wondering at what point I can start throwing the things out or donating them. The police may have laughed at me but how are these NOT considered suspicious packages? Property management is running out of space to store the boxes. What other avenues can I go down here especially on the Amazon front? I just want the dang packages to stop!!!

    1. WellRed*

      Call the postal district manager? Call the FD non emergency and complain about fire hazard (if they there’s that many). Start getting rid of them one or two at a time. No one will notice. When I get mail for someone who doesn’t live in the bldg, I write write on label, not at this address and the mailman has to take it back. If nothing else, at some point this is abandoned property.

    2. Caterpie*

      I’ve heard of a ‘scam’ where companies that sell on Amazon will send their products to a random address so they can write a fake 5-star review of their own item and boost the visibility/ratings. Some people report getting relatively pricy items but I don’t actually know what Amazon recommends to do about this. If you google “npr the case of the mysterious amazon packages” you can find an interview/article with a couple that seems to be going through something similar.

    3. Alice*

      Scam was also my first guess. Google “brushing scam”. I’m surprised Amazon didn’t do anything since it’s likely this is a scammer trying to game the ratings. I would mark all packages as “recipient unknown”, bring them all to the post office and let them deal with it, see if they still try to deliver to you after you bring 100 of them back.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. Probably a scam, and I’d have the apartment admin drop them all off at the post office.

    4. KEWLM0M*

      I write: “RETURN TO SENDER; ADDRESSEE UNKNOWN.” on such mail and leave it for the letter carrier to take back to the post office. I have also taken such mail (also marked with the same wording) directly to a mail box myself to return if it fits.

    5. Anon Here*

      I want to include this in a compilation of NYC stories. “We have mystery packages blocking the entrance to our building and everyone laughs at us.”

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I think if you write RETURN TO SENDER on them, the postal service has to accept them and return them to the sender. Give them to the mailman or drop them in a mailbox. Don’t ask. Just do it.

      1. Filosofickle*

        USPS carriers are not obligated to take those boxes back; it’s up to their discretion if they take outgoing mail. (Most will, but some won’t in my experience.) They may have to be taken to a post office, which sounds like quite a task. Ideally, delivery should be refused but it sounds like there’s no one there to do that.

        Curious that these are being delivered by the mail carrier? My Amazon packages are all delivered by their couriers or UPS unless they’re coming from small 3rd-party sellers. Amazon drivers won’t take back return packages but UPS will.

        This is definitely a property management problem. Would lots of complaints from residents nudge them along? Coordinating that may be the best use of your efforts.

        1. Enough*

          Amazon has a contract with the Post Office. I get a lot of my things delivered by the mail carrier. She has had a mail truck full of packages and that doesn’t include the ones that get delivered by a dedicated package delivery person.

          1. Filosofickle*

            Interesting! I live about two hours from an Amazon warehouse so maybe that’s why most of ours come from Amazon directly. Even Zappos comes by Amazon courier these days. We used to get more by UPS and I wish we still did, since their drivers are better and it was easier to send packages back through them.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Mine always come in the mail. Always. Even stuff I ordered from Amazon UK came Royal Mail, and then USPS.

        3. Liz*

          My amazon packages (and I buy a LOT) used to come either USPS or UPS. then for a while it was pretty much contract delivery, which seems to have stopped, and we’re back to USPS and UPS.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I would write “not at this address, return to sender” in large Sharpie on every box and drop them at the post office. Like, literally come in with 20 boxes every week and just leave them there.

    8. Rebecca*

      My brain went to someone scammed a credit card, thought they’d use your building for the address (hence the sheer number of boxes), and that someone was picked up and in jail on other charges and can’t get to the building to pick up the packages. And they obviously can’t say “oh hey, I stole someone’s credit card info, and the 100+ things I ordered are being dropped at that building, can you pick them up for me?”

      I’d be tempted to open them, see who the actual companies are, and start contacting them.

      Aside from that, did you call the fire department? If it’s a fire hazard or safety hazard, they might be able to get a resolution for you.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Someone, some where is looking for those packages. How can you order 100 things in 45 days and not notice the packages did not arrive?

      Unless of course it’s some type of scam as others mention.

      1. LilySparrow*

        If they are making claims for undelivered packages, Amazon will just send a new one. There is no mechanism for connecting wrong-package reports with undelivered-package reports.

        I know because whenever I’ve gotten someone elses UPS or USPS packages, nobody can track it down.

        They do.not.care. It’s cheaper to just send an extra.

        Which begs the question, if there is someone making claims, why haven’t they corrected their default address settings?

    10. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I once got, delivered to my door, a large home-install water filtration system. As in, a 4 ft tall box. I looked up the system online, and it was $700. It was purchased fraudulently on my credit card; I got a new card and the charge was reversed, but I never succeeded in getting anyone to care about this giant, expensive thing in my apartment. I called the company twice, who sent a return label and a UPS person, who each time never showed up. They never followed up, either. This happened… two or three years ago. I finally just gave the system to a friend last week.

      OK, so, what I’m getting from these other comments is that it’s likely a verified review scam. You’ve held on to these boxes for MONTHS. Nobody cares about them. My vote is, start opening them and seeing if they got anything worth keeping inside.

      New deliveries should be refused at time of delivery, whenever possible. If any come via USPS, do the RETURN TO SENDER and drop in a mailbox to return. I’d also call Amazon again, maybe asking how you can return the packages? They might not be able to provide information but maybe you just got a lousy CSR on that one call.

      Have you tried digging up info on the person? Looked up the name on Whitepages or anything? I mean, absolutely do what you can to resolve this situation. But there’s a point where, if someone is ordering these things on purpose and missing them, they’re resolving it on their end and the packages will eventually stop. Otherwise, who cares what happens to the stuff? Keep it, sell it, throw it away. Do so on a reasonable delay, but do it. Worst case scenario, so improbable as to be impossible, that someone asks about it way down the line, and at that point, well, you’ve simply forgotten what happened to them!

      You’re not obligated to spend years of your life dealing with this problem. I regret that I waited so long to get rid of that big, bulky thing in my apartment.

      1. valentine*

        mark the packages REFUSED and return to the post office unopened.
        Yes. And perhaps UAA, undeliverable as addressed.

    12. LilySparrow*

      I would be very tempted to file a change-of-address form listing the nonexistent person’s new address as Amazon HQ.

    13. Anonymous Celebrity*

      Write these words on the package, preferably with a sharpie so the words really stand out: “Refused. Return to Sender.” Then drop them at the post office. At least in California, this works like a charm. Be sure to use those exact words.

      I had an experience with an online vendor who used SmartPost (which I hate – they should call it SlowPost). The way that works is that UPS picks it up, transports it (veerrrrrrry slowly) to the USPS main distribution office closest to you, and then USPS delivers it). The trouble was that, two weeks after I placed my order, UPS still didn’t show they had the package. So I called the vendor, who sent me a duplicate order (same delivery method, but it wasn’t a time-sensitive item so I was willing to wait).

      I asked what I should do if my first order eventually arrived. I was told to write “Refused. Return to Sender” on the unopened package and take it to the post office. It worked. They took it back. Yes, I suppose I could have kept it along with the second order, which did arrive on time. But I’m not comfortable with ripping people or companies off, so I returned it. I was only charged for the one item. I was happy to have learned a method for returning thing that I didn’t order, or things that were duplicate deliveries of the same item.

      Hope this works for you.

  20. WellRed*

    Teeth whitening tips? In photos with friends my age, they all have white teeth. Mine look dirty and barely show. I drink coffee but this is starting to bug me to where I’m self conscious.

    2. Jenny*

      I used Crest whitestrips, recommended by my dentist, after I got my braces off and they worked great. I still use them occasionally.

    3. Lady Jay*

      Ooo, I have this problem too–I don’t drink coffee any more than average (1 cup/day), but my teeth are discolored, and have been since I was in my teens/early 20s. I read somewhere it’s genetic.

      I don’t have a lot of tips, sadly (I’m gonna follow this thread), though I do find when I brush/floss regularly and use whitening toothpaste that is actually good toothpaste (e.g. not the cheapest 1-dollar tube out there) they look a little better.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Yes, genetic or related to medication. I have yellowish teeth. People think I’m a smoker. Nope. I was given tetracycline when I was very little and have stained teeth. Nothing to be done about it.

        What ticks me off is when dentists have offered to “fix” it. The only fix is to cap my teeth at a total cost of more than I paid for college. No thanks. My teeth perform their intended function of chewing my food just fine.

        1. HannahS*

          Yeah, same. Someone at a party commented to my mom that my teeth were yellow, and my mom (with the best of intentions) advised me to ask my dentist about it. Turns out, my teeth are just a bit more yellowish than average, and because I’m so pale, they look darker than they would on someone with darker skin (i.e. greater contrast would make them look whiter). The dentist offered to “fix” it, but I declined. My skin is pale, my hair is brown, my teeth are yellowish. It’s genetic, they work well, they don’t look very abnormal, so it’s all good by me.

    5. NeonFireworks*

      I heard making a paste out of turmeric and water, and then brushing vigorously with that, works pretty well.

    6. Clever Name*

      My teeth used to be pretty yellow. Genetic, I think, as it was when I was a kid and therefore no coffee or wine to stain teeth. I started occasionally using crest white strips and whitening toothpaste, and I’m happy with how my teeth look now.

    7. Alice*

      Be careful that some whitening solutions are actually abrasives and can damage your teeth’s enamel. Your dentist will be able to best advise you. I also drink a lot of tea so I can totally relate, my solution is regular professional cleaning + good toothpaste + mouthwash recommended by dentist, I still don’t have pearly whites but they look so much better than they used to.

    8. Anon Here*

      I actually tried asking my dentist about this once. I was not given the kind of info I was looking for. Everyone working there just said, “You don’t need whitening. You need to give up coffee and tomato sauce.”

      “But I live on coffee, pizza and pasta and I don’t want to change.”

      “Give those things up. They’re bad for your teeth.”

      It’s completely logical. But I refuse to give up coffee or pizza. I tried Crest whitening strips. I got whitening toothpaste. I have some cavities now. My teeth never became that bright white color that I see on some people. But I can live with off-white teeth as long as they’re not brown or gray.

      It’s weird how certain women manage to have those sparkling white teeth. I guess they find dentists who don’t act gate-keepy about the whitening treatment. My clinic supposedly offered it. You would think they would want my no-insurance-involved money, but they always seem guarded about it. It probably does damage your teeth.

      1. A teacher*

        But it’s not logical at all! How is it logical to give up foods we like just because one of the natural colours of teeth (yellow) is suddenly unacceptable?

        Not attacking you, or anyone, but this idea that WHITE TEETH GOOD YELLOW BAD when it has nothing to do with health seems harmful and really needs to be analysed and deconstructed.

        1. LilySparrow*

          They discourage those foods because they are highly acidic and can damage your enamel if you eat/drink them too much. Not because of the stains.

          AnonHere’s dentist may have been saying that the whitening treatment is not appropriate for them because it’s too harsh and their teeth can’t take it due to long-term overexposure to these acidic foods.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      Some people drink their coffee and tea with a straw to avoid staining their teeth. Sounds odd to me, but maybe it works. I use whitening strips, but ask your dentist first before doing anything about it. You can damage your teeth doing the wrong thing or whitening too often.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I have heard that people with veneers do this. That’s the only way I would ever have perfect teeth, and I can’t come close to affording them.

      2. Partly Cloudy*

        I used to know a smoker who drank her coffee through a straw for this reason. Hmmm….

        Also, I feel like you’re just trading one aesthetic for another. Using straws all the time must lead to lip wrinkles, right? Especially for a smoker?

    10. HBJ*

      I have used Crest strips, and I’ve been pleased with the results. I don’t use them too often (whatever is recommended on the box – I think something like every other day for awhile and then as needed after that?), and I’ve never had tooth sensitivity issues.

      Whitening toothpastes don’t seem to do anything.

      I was gargling with peroxide for awhile to help with a gum issue, and that seemed to help a bit.

      I’ve been told oil pulling helps, but I don’t know about that.

  21. Hair help*

    I’d like to extend a huge thank you to everyone who commented on my post a few weekends ago about hair becoming straighter and thinner, among other symptoms. I did as many suggested and scheduled an appointment with an endocrinologist, and it turns out I have Celiac’s disease. They confirmed it through bloodwork (but I’m seeing that the gold standard is a biopsy?) I’m kind of in shock, as someone who loves beer, bread making, trying new foods, etc, this will be a really big life change. I’m incredibly thankful for everyone who took the time to comment on my post; I have been bringing my symptoms up to my GP for years and hadn’t gotten anywhere. Thanks to this community I have a solid path to feeling better (and hopefully getting my thick, curly hair back!).

    1. WellRed*

      I’m so glad we were helpful and that you found out the problem so quickly! I’m curious if looking back, you had any other celiac symptoms?

      1. Caterpie*

        That’s tricky because I’ve been in grad school the past few years, so it’s hard to parse what was stress and what was due to the Celiac’s. That’s part of why I waited so long to pursue it strongly, I just figured all grad students were exhausted and stressed.

        But looking back, some GI issues definitely, and a ton of cavities last year despite never having one before and having good dental hygiene. No pain or skin stuff though.

    2. Book Lover*

      Biopsy is the gold standard if you want to be 100% sure. I assume they did antibody testing. Another option is genetic testing to see if you have permissive genes – at least it is noninvasive and if positive it is reasonable to just go with the diagnosis. That’s just if you are hesitant about a strict gluten free diet though.

    3. Fikly*

      Celiac can be so hard to diagnose, since the symptoms can be so vague! I only got diagnosed because my sister did, and got told to have the immediate family tested, because it’s genetic.

      A couple of things: First of all, if you are interested in the biopsy, get it done now, before you go gluten free, because you need to be eating gluten to test positive. But don’t feel obliged to get the biopsy – if you go completely Celiac gluten free (and not just trendy gluten free) and feel better, you have Celiac, there’s no need for a biopsy. But it might not be a bad idea to see what damage is going on through an upper endo in general.

      Second of all, I’ve been diagnosed Celiac for 5 years, had it for at least a decade before that, so if you have any questions about living with it or transitioning, I’m happy to answer them!

      General advice: largely speaking, I am least happy with foods that are pretending to be foods that contain gluten. The tastiest things are foods that are just what they are. There are some exceptions though! Also, get through nutrient blood work, because malabsorption is super common, and a bone density scan.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One thing the Dr’s thought was obvious that wasn’t to me– don’t do the biopsy when you are on a gluten-free diet. Luckily someone in the doctors office thought to check that before I actually went in for the biopsy. They had to reschedule me three months later. (I don’t have Celiac, so yay I can eat bread but dang why the TMI….)

      1. Fikly*

        This is why I ended up not having the biopsy. As soon as I got the positive blood test for Celiac, I went gluten free. Ok, I finished eating the bagel I was eating when I got the phone call. But that was the last bit of gluten I ever deliberately consumed. And my symptoms (some of which were severely bad) went away within a week.

        To get an accurate biopsy result, they make you eat gluten for SIX WEEKS. I was all, hell no.

  22. Jenny*

    Any parents deal with a clingy baby? My 9 month plays independently at daycare and when with Dad, but when I am with him he wants me to sit with him while he plays or he wails. In the morning before daycare I just run through getting ready as quickly as possible but on the weekend (especially this weekend where I am flying solo) it’s a bit challenging. For instance, I would like to make him some new foods to try but the prep is challenging since he just cries while I cook. I also have some basic chores to get done.

    1. Fellow Traveler*

      Does your child like being in a carrier? I swear that’s how I got anything done when my kids were babies- they were happy to snuggle in the carrier and even napped while I got things done. I would back carry him when cooking so as not to worry about burning him on the stove.

      1. Jenny*

        Loves the carrier. I find it easier than the stroller when we go out (I live in a big city so space/doors/sidewalks are easier sans stroller). I have never actually put him on my back, hence the worry about cooking.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          9mo is a good age to try a back carry (they aren’t stable enough to make it easy before that). Some slings such as Mei Tai style will permit a sort of low shoulder carry where you’d wear a shrug or bolero, and that gives baby a better view.

          Beyond that, I promise it will pass. Slowly and like a kidney stone, perhaps, but it will pass. It’s totally developmentally normal at this age, and you can do no harm by “indulging” it.

          Are there any shortcuts you could take, e.g. buying frozen sliced vegetables (onions, mushrooms, peppers, etc) to reduce your food prep time? Definitely lower your housework standards for a few months.

    3. Clever Name*

      My son was super high needs and clingy. I basically had him attached to my body nearly all the time using a soft carrier until he was independently walking. He napped on me, slept next to me….. honestly, if I have another, I’d do things differently. Will he settle after a few minutes of crying? If he’s inconsolably wailing, obviously comfort him, but if he fusses for a few minutes and then settles then I think it’s ok for a baby that age to do that. Those days were so hard.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I think your baby is telling you that he needs closeness to you more than he needs new foods right now. Obviously you have to do activities of daily living, and he’ll survive a few moments on his own while you do that, but if I were you I would prioritize hanging out with him over doing “extra” stuff right now. (I can’t tell if he needs you to hold him/cuddle him, or if he just needs you to hang out while he plays, but in either case I’d give him as much as is reasonable of whatever he wants.)

      If you can, see this as “permission” for you to sit down a little bit, too. “House is untidy? Oh well, so sad, the baby needs me.” He will probably outgrown this pretty quickly.

    5. Anon time*

      I have a 14 month old. At 9 months (and even still) I mainly did chores when she was sleeping (napping or for the night). I could put her in the carrier some, but I think that’s when she started getting tired of it. Realistically, that meant there wasn’t much time. For food, I mainly did/do a little bit of leftovers from the night before (we cook dinner after she’s in bed because of what time we get home). I also did/do a frozen veggie- I could dump that in a pot with a little water while holding her, and it’s done pretty quickly. Peas, green beans, spinach, broccoli, edamame etc. Some fancier grocery stores have more variety- I got frozen butternut squash at one. I remember well the pressure to have them try a bunch of food. Once the veggie is done, I drain and and add butter or olive oil. From inspiration in a baby led weaning book, I sometimes sprinkle the broccoli with olive oil and nutritional yeast. It’s kinda a cheesy flavor.

      Eggs are good to prep in advance. I’d hard boil a couple and then have them in the fridge. Or I scramble one quickly with butter- it takes maybe 5 min, and can more or less be done one handed.

      Hang in there. My daughter is more independent now (walking! Eek!), but there’s still pretty limited time for stuff. It’s a tough job (in addition to my paid job!).

      1. Jenny*

        Yeah I want to feed him eggs because it’s a major allergen he hasn’t had much of. My thought was to make pancakes.

        The good thing about his daycare is they have meals for the kids, so, for instance, he had some beans and veggies yesterday. So he’s getting a lot of new foods without me having to prep them.

        1. Anon time*

          Pancakes are a good idea. If you can’t get them done when your baby is up (which is a stretch!), freezing is good. I literally froze pancakes today, for her weekday breakfasts. You make them as normal, and then freeze in an individual layer on a sheet pan. They thaw beautifully by popping them in the microwave for 30 seconds.
          My girl’s daycare also serves food- it’s such a lifesaver!

    6. blackcat*

      Carrier. Mine’s almost two and when he gets sick he’s still like this. I put him on my back and he chills. I just have to be careful because sometimes he takes the opportunity to grab things normally out of reach.

    7. NB*

      Two of my babies were pretty clingy. They eventually outgrew it, but man it was exhausting at the time. I don’t have a lot of answers except that sometimes you just have to listen to the crying while you get stuff done.

      Now my clingiest baby is fifteen years old and just barely tolerates me.

    8. J.B.*

      My second kid was.mommy.no.one.else. I held her when I could and felt ok about it, went to the bathroom when I needed to. It usually felt better to take walks with carrier, played on the floor some, got up to throw laundry in etc. Whatever you need to do is fine, I promise your kid won’t be scarred.

    9. Annaramadanna*

      Great suggestions here about carriers. Back in the 1900s I had a clingy baby. We were not allowed to put him down until he was about a year old; unlike his older sibling who was in Go Mode as soon as she could crawl. I learned to cook (mostly) one-handed because he hollered so much if I put him down. My husband also pitched in a lot with the cooking, so it wasn’t all on me.

      We nicknamed him the Barnacle. Then one day he did a 180 – he fussed and squirmed when we picked him up! Mobility suddenly got a lot more interesting for him. One lifetime reward for my year of carrying “the Barnacle” was that to this day, I can haul in a tremendous number of grocery bags on both arms all at once.

      Not sure if this was at all helpful, but I wanted to let you know a) you’re not alone, and b) this too shall pass.

  23. Fellow Traveler*

    Happy fall weekend!
    Two food related questions:
    1) I’ve been getting a lot of pineapples in my produce box- does anyone have favorite pineapple recipes? We eat it just cut up, but I wanted to branch out. Either sweet or savory is fine. I like the rice salad out of Moosewood Cookbook, but my husband doesn’t love it. He actually doesn’t like pineapple in general, so maybe looking for a recipe that the kids will enjoy.
    2) my vegetarian brother is coming for Thanksgiving- for vegetarians, what has been your favorite (substantial) Thanksgiving dish that you’ve ever had? I want to make an effort so he doesn’t feel like he is just eating sides and pie.

    3. university minion*

      For vegetarian Thanksgiving dinners, spinach lasagna gets my vote.
      I like adding pineapple to curries (Thai) when I have some.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Re pineapples: they make dandy smoothies and/or ice pops – I have some pineapple-basil ice-pops in my freezer right now. (I made them because I had too much basil, a nice problem, but it works for too much pineapple too!) Can provide a recipe if you want, but it was pretty simple – blitz the pineapple and some basil to taste, and then freeze.

      I’ve seen, but have yet to try, recipes for pineapple curd, which can be used in tarts or as cake filling or just spread on toast.

      Another idea that I have yet to try, but FWIW: you could dry it for future use. There are recipes for the heavily-sugared kind of dried pineapple, but I’ve also seen oven-roasting recipes that don’t need extra sugar; the results will be different but could be fun to try.

    6. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      1. Slice thin, grill or saute, and put on your hamburgers. Especially good if you put teriyaki sauce on the burgers too.

      2. Easy pineapple cake that happens to be vegan: 3 c. flour, 2 c sugar, 1 T baking soda, 1/2 t. salt mixed. Add a cup of oil and usually a can of crushed pineapple, but 2 1/4 cups of pineapple crushed in the blender would work too. Bake in a greased 9×13 pan @ 375F for 30 minutes. Makes a great campfire cake if you have a dutch oven.

      3. If you happen to have a dehydrator, home dried pineapple is excellent and not much like that sold commercially.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Came here to say that. Home-dried without sulfite and sugar may go brownish but it’s so so much better. We did ours dry-ish and kept it in the freezer until the day you took it on a hike. (A friend used to deliver for Dole…the “too ripe to transport” boxes were always a sweet surprise. Yet anot her reason to wish he hadn’t moved.)
        Also if you’re into exotic plants, nows the time to try starting a pineapple plant. There’s a lot that won’t take root even with organic .

    7. Femme d'Afrique*

      Pineapple crumble? Super easy to make and lots of kids I know like it! Bonus: since it’s so easy to make, the kids could help out too.

    8. fposte*

      Can you tell me about this produce box? Is it a CSA kind of thing and you’re just in pineapple country, or are you getting random fruit mailed to you? Because that would interest me.

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        It’s a Hungry Harvest box- so reclaimed, surplus, and imperfect produce. You can pick and choose what you get, so I guess I could just remove it, but I haven’t lived the substitute options lately. It wasn’t a problem last month when I was 39 weeks pregnant and eating huge quantities pineapple in hopes of going into labor, but now i’m feeling the need to branch out.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, that looks like an amazing project, and I’ve never heard of it! Unfortunately they don’t deliver to my area yet, but I signed up for the waitlist.

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            Try Misfit Market! Same concept and they do deliver to IL. We got our first box last week and it was very fun!

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Ooh…that might be a Christmas present for a home cook who has trouble getting energy to shop.

        3. OtterB*

          Thank you for mentioning this. I just signed up for a veggie box. We will see how my quest to eat more veggies goes.

    9. knead me seymour*

      This year, I’m going to try making mushroom walnut lentil balls and mushroom gravy. All the other sides I make are vegetarian. I may try combining them all into a raised pie, Paul Hollywood style.

      1. Overeducated*

        A raised pie of vegetarian sides would win my first place Thanksgiving dish prize for LIFE. If you do it, please report back with pictures and lessons learned!

        1. knead me seymour*

          It’s a tall pie, usually with a savory filling and hot water crust pastry. Traditionally it would have a filling of pork or game or something like that. But Paul Hollywood has a recipe for leftover turkey dinner pie, and I feel like a vegetarian version would work well.

    10. Overeducated*

      How about a good variety of vegetarian sides instead of one “main” one? I love something hearty like mac and cheese or a root vegetable bake with biscuits (will link in a comment), something green and cheesy (e.g. creamed spinach or Brussels sprouts gratin), something green and fresh (kale salad, blanched green beans with a shallot dressing), and something with nuts and/or mushrooms for savoriness. (I’m one of those people who is just not into turkey and potatoes and always is like “I’m bringing sides!!!”)

      2. Washi*

        I agree with this. Ymmv, but in my family, we just make sure that the turkey, stuffing, and gravy are the only things with meat in them and have plenty of everything else. Even though I’m a vegetarian and typically make sure I have a protein for dinner, at Thanksgiving I just want the classics minus turkey. I’ll fill up on mashed potatoes and squash and cranberry sauce and green beans, thank you!

    11. Not A Manager*

      Cut up pineapple freezes beautifully, and thaws with much less loss of texture than many other fruits. I’d cube it and pop it in the freezer. You can use the frozen fruit for smoothies, or thaw and mix into fruit salads or yogurt. IDK if you can bake with it, but I’d give it a try.

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        Oh freezing is a good idea! I definitely feel pressure to use the pineapple up before it goes bad, and freezing would help- and we make a lot of smoothies, though maybe less now that the weather has cooled.

    12. Not A Manager*

      I love Thanksgiving sides, and think they’re much more interesting than the turkey, so I’d be happy with sides and pie myself. But if you want to make him something special, how about a stuffed pumpkin or squash? You can find pretty small pumpkins or pretty large squashes, either of which could be cooked and stuffed with a yummy veggie filling as a single serving item. Or you could get a larger pumpkin and make enough for everyone. It depends on if you want him to have his “own” special item on his plate instead of turkey.

      1. CTT*

        Yeah, seconding this. We have a work Thanksgiving and the past few years people have brought such an interesting array of sides that I didn’t even touch the turkey. If you haven’t already asked your brother, see if he’s someone who would rather make a meal out of sides.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If you have a favorite recipe for stuffed peppers that will suit, you can do pretty much any stuffed pepper recipe inside a pie pumpkin. The one I read recently was rice and sausage, but really pretty much anything would work.

      3. heckofabecca*

        Stuffed sugar pumpkin is AMAZING. I much much MUCH prefer it to stuffed acorn squash, e.g. My favorite filling mix is stuffing, cheese, and chopped spinach. Fake bacon is another possible addition, if your brother likes it.

        There’s also a recipe for Quinoa Stuffed Butternut Squash with Cranberries and Kale on wellplated.com—I used spinach instead of kale. It also has chickpeas, so it’s filling too. Pretty, fairly easy, and really delicious! Especially with cheese :)

        Also, seconding Reba’s comment about not ‘disqualifying’ any sides… Always so aggravating!

    13. Reba*

      Vegetarian here! I love to cook. Here are some of the things I’ve made for T-day:

      Roasted delicata squash with quinoa or other grain and greens. You can actually do this as a more or less one pan dish, a la Rukmini Iyer (If they eat eggs, this is a great one for baked eggs nestled in there)

      Nicely roasted eggplant can be pretty decadent

      Acorn squash halves filled with rice pilaf or other vegetables, or why not the Thanksgiving stuffing!

      I’d skip the tofurkey… although once, some friends of ours did a homemade seitan stuffed with mushrooms that was fantastic! but I think it was pretty advanced.

      Honestly, I have always felt that the sides were the best part of Thanksgiving. :)
      You’re thoughtful but don’t worry too much! Just make sure not to “disqualify” any sides. Not that you would, but I just can’t tell you how disappointing it is to find ham in the green beans or whatever.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I find the biggest “side disqualifier” in my extended family’s Thanksgiving sides is usually chicken stock. Someone will buy a quart of stock to add a splash to one thing they’re making, and then they’ll all be like “we have all this stock to use up! What else can we use it in?” and the next thing you know they’ve added it instead of water to basically every side dish in an effort to not be wasteful.

        I usually bring a bean salad and a pumpkin pie with me to Thanksgiving. I’ll end up eating bean salad and rolls for dinner, and then pie for dessert. Pumpkin pie is the most meal-like pie to me, so it’s the one I bring so I’m sure the crust isn’t lard-based. Some years I also bring my own stuffing and cook it in a rice cooker in a corner somewhere. (You can basically follow stove-top directions for stuffing and cook it in a rice cooker, since rice cookers will boil water just fine.)

      2. Fellow Traveler*

        I agree on having to be careful about disqualifying anything. It reminds me of the time I was on a road trip with two vegetarian friends and we stopped for lunch at Cracker Barrel, and almost every side either had ham in it or was cooked with chicken broth, or something. Their plan had been just to have a bunch of sides for lunch, but I think they ended up just having French fries.

    14. Bluebell*

      I eat fish, but at Thanksgiving I’m just a sides eater. Here are a few things I’ve loved, but I don’t have links to recipes, sorry. 1) Vegetarian gougere- beautiful puffy crust with a mushroom squash filling 2) squash and tomato mix with cornmeal dumplings on top 3) spiralized sweet potato with black beans, corn, tortilla strips and cheese.

    15. Parenthetically*

      1) My grandmother’s pineapple upside down cake, but also yes to putting it in curries and fried rice! Also delicious with a sticky soy glaze on pork or chicken or meatballs!

      2) A whole stuffed roast butternut squash (stuffed with a nice Carolina-style wild rice stuffing) or a whole roast cauliflower both have the advantage of being a bit showy like a turkey! But also I have several vegetarian friends who literally just make sides and pie for Thanksgiving and LOVE it, so your mileage will vary depending on the vegetarian!

    16. Anon time*

      Budget bytes’ green bean casserole (without any cream of anything soup) is sooo delicious and substantial, especially when made with baby bella mushrooms. It’s pretty easy and fresh and tasty. An upgrade to a classic.

    17. MinotJ*

      Vegetarian for 25 years. What I really love about thanksgiving is the sides. There are so many dishes! I personally don’t want a special veggie dish made for me, but if the sides were veggie, I’d be so happy. To really welcome a vegetarian, you could make a bit of vegetarian stuffing and gravy.

    21. Lemonish*

      What does your brother like to eat? What’s his favourite food?

      If you make his favourite food (as long as it’s not too time-consuming), that might be more appreciated than something Thanksgiving-themed that he’s never had. (I am basically vegan in my eating habits and my Christmas dinner is black bean tacos because I love them and I don’t feel any need to eat Tofurky or some kind of nut roast just because they’re vegan approximations of traditional Christmas foods.)

    23. Queer Earthling*

      I loooove pineapple but I can only eat it cooked (I have geographic tongue and raw pineapple is too acidic). I love throwing it in stir fries or fried rice, on pizza, grilled and placed on burgers as someone said upthread, or fried in a pan with a little brown sugar. Oh, and I make pork chops with pineapple–marinade them in the juice + brown sugar + soy sauce, throw them in the pan and throw the remaining juice mixture and pineapple chunks on top, cook until the chops are done and the liquid is reduced.

    24. Sam I Am*

      I’m vegetarian, and it sounds like I’m in the minority, but I found myself getting a little self-pitying when all I could have were sides. Anyhoo.. I’ve started making a curry to bring to my family’s holiday meals. Some others in the family will have tastes of it, but most don’t, so I bring a few servings but not a giant dish. The curries go great with mashed potatoes, which are always part of our holiday meals.

    25. Brrrrr*

      We have 3 vegetarians and 1 vegan in our family and we all love the Festive Chickpea Tart from Dreena Burton’s cookbook Let Them Eat Vegan. The recipe is also available on her website. Her use of seasonings and flavour combinations is ingenious. I also happen to love stuffed squash, either as a side dish or as star of the (veggie) show.

  24. Greywacke Jones*

    Advice for getting over/processing a difficult birth experience?

    I gave birth to twins on Monday after a lengthy induced labor (went in Friday night, born early Monday am) ultimately having one vaginally and one via c-section about 3 hours later. I have two big healthy babies (7+ lbs!) who needed no NICU time and I am recovering ok, so I’m truly grateful for that. However I have found myself dwelling on all the painful/deeply uncomfortable/ undignified details of the birth process, to the point of losing sleep, which is obviously not what I need right now.

    I hesitate to use the word traumatic because nothing really bad happened. I had a great care team and I don’t really regret any decision or how it turned out, though recovering from two different deliveries is obviously not ideal. I have a bit of a “what if” around one juncture, but truly I don’t know if it would have made a difference.

    I also don’t think it’s PPD/PPA? While having two new babies (and a toddler) home is a whirlwind, they are pretty chill babies and we have a lot of help right now, so I don’t think I’m totally crazed from the newborn experience either. I think it was just a super intense experience that was pretty miserable in ways I did not anticipate, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. I have talked about it with my wife a bit which has been helpful, but I don’t really have a lot of people I feel comfortable discussing the details with. Any advice?

    1. WellRed*

      That still sounds traumatic! Glad you’re doing relatively OK. I might mention this to your doctor at your next appt

    2. Jenny*

      I had a baby earlier this year and being brain foggy is 100% normal. I cried a lot in the early days. I also was a bit obsessive about my unplanned c section and would research what I could have done differently. I felt guilty because everyone acts like you’re supposed to be so blissful but pretty much every mom I talked to had the same story. The brain is just a little broken post baby. And poor you, you have both c section and vaginal recovery.

      If you had a c section you also may be on some pain meds that *really* mess with your brain. I felt like I couldn’t think on the percocet. Getting it out of my system helped a lot. You’re also having to deal with two tiny humans and not getting a lot of sleep.

      Keep an eye on yourself, but also give yourself permission to just not be 100% mentally for a bit. It’s 100% normal and it’s okay.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        This. That is why I refused opioids with my second c-section. I did toradol (sp?) while still on the IV and then Motrin. It was only slightly more pain but WAY less constipation and the ability to think much more clearly even with sleep deprivation.

    3. Fellow Traveler*

      Congratulations! I’ve had pretty easy births, and I still feel like I had a hard time processing and that I’m constantly revisiting the experience.
      What helped me somewhat was writing it down, than periodically going back and re-reading it and adding other things I remember. For me, I felt that since birth is such a personal (physically and mentally) thing, I wanted to savor it, but I couldn’t because it is such an intense whirlwind. I wanted to remember and hold on to the experience, and writing it down helped. Also talking to myself about it helped to- like if I had to tell someone about it, what would I say? (I didn’t do any of this for my first child eight years ago and feel very disconnected from that experience, so now I’m trying to piece it together in my mind and write it down years later).
      The other thing that I really got into recently (following the birth of my third child six weeks ago), was listening to other people’s birth stories. There is a podcast called The Birth Hour, where people share their birth stories, and I found it helpful and soothing to hear that every birth is different, and every one processes it in their own way- it made me feel less alone.
      At some point, for me, the feeling of bewilderment got less intense, but I would suggest, either way it is helpful to find someone to talk to- either a professional, or other moms. Even if you don’t think have PPD, there are so many hormones racing that having an objective/ sympathetic listener for what you say is so helpful. Also in my area there are several (often free) mom’s groups or PPD/PPA groups that are great forums for finding a sympathetic ear.

    4. Clever Name*

      Honestly, childbirth is grueling. It’s something people don’t really talk about. Not to be flippant, but there’s a reason it’s called labor! Would talking about your experience help? Maybe with relatives who have been through childbirth or a local mothers group? Journaling helps me process my feelings, as does seeing a therapist on occasion. For what it’s worth, I think you are normal and what you’re feeling is normal.

    5. Not A Manager*

      That sounds traumatic to me. Congratulations on the healthy and chill babies, but you still get to be freaked out about that experience. Please give yourself some time. Maybe read Captain Awkward or others about ways to process tough experiences? For example, for me it was helpful to have a time and a place to vent, either to a partner or in my head or on paper, but then at other times I’d try to compartmentalize and tell myself that I was putting this aside until later. Just be sure that “later” actually comes, and you have space to feel your feelings.

      You are whirlwind of hormones right now, so while you might not have PPD, your emotional regulation could still be different from what you’re used to. I would for sure give yourself at least a few weeks to feel these feelings and express them. If this experience is truly haunting you a few months from now, then think about other ways to address it.

      I’m very sorry that you had such a difficult delivery. Best wishes to your family!

    6. Anon time*

      I’d give yourself time- it’s been less than a week. The not sleeping because you’re thinking about it does seem like a PPA/PPD flag to me- just something to watch and mention to your doctor. Thinking of you. Birth is hard, and you had a particularly long/difficult experience.

    7. blackcat*

      Does your OB/hospital have a maternal mental health specialist? Mine did, and they sent her automatically to me in the hospital since I had a precipitous labor. Even if nothing goes “wrong” with a precipitous labor, it’s likely to cause PTSD symptoms and/or PPD/PPA, so they just send someone to check in and introduce themselves. I think they do the same after failed inductions for the same reason. If they don’t have someone, ask for a referral to a therapist. It will help.
      Even though I wasn’t traumatized by my delivery in any way, I had trouble sleeping for about a week. The first few days were brutal, and I’m sure it was the adrenaline crash. It passed. In your case, there’s probably some amount of coming down off all the medications involved in both the induction and c-section. Have you tried going without painkillers? That may help even if it seems counter intuitive.
      Also, benedryl and unisom are breastfeeding-safe, as long as someone else can care for the babies for about 6 hours. I highly recommend giving that a shot. They gave that to me in the hospital and it made a world of difference.

    8. Parenthetically*

      Congratulations on your new additions! How wonderful!

      As a person who had a REALLY difficult emergency c-section brought on by HELLP/pre-eclampsia that I similarly hesitated to call “traumatic,” I’d agree , talk with your doctor (particularly about the losing-sleep part, which is a predictor as well as a symptom of PPD/PPA), write it out (and burn it? Bury it? Put it in a bottle and throw it out to sea?), schedule a checkin with your normal mental health person if you have one, because none of that can hurt.

      Wishing you all the best in your recovery!

    9. Ranon*

      I’m so sorry that was your birth experience!

      I hope you can give yourself some grace and time- right now you’re still in the thick of postpartum hormones, not sleeping (which is terrible for emotional regulation), healing from major surgery, and growing accustomed to a completely new family structure. Asking yourself to be okay with your birth experience right now is really asking a LOT.

      I also had a birth experience I wasn’t happy with even though it was objectively mostly okay, and it took me a while to be okay with it. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even possible for me to be okay less than a week out (heck, we’d barely left the hospital), but it was a little easier at six weeks and got even better at 3 months when I joined a postpartum group with a facilitator and I got to talk through my experience with other people who had had different experiences, good and bad.

      It really is a kind of grief, coming to terms with a birth that doesn’t go the way you wanted. You can’t change what happened but so much of our cultural narrative is about the pregnant person’s actions determining the birth experience that it’s incredibly difficult after the fact to process that you didn’t in fact have much control over how any of it went. And like most types of grief, it’s hard to rush the healing process. Be kind to yourself, if you can, both physically and emotionally.

      It may also be helpful to write out your birth story, if you want. Sometimes things look different on the page.

    10. Anon to protect the identity of the baby...*

      I had a vacuum extraction after my baby got stuck in the birth canal. I obsessed about it for days, particularly all the things that could have gone wrong, but didn’t. I’d forgotten about it until I saw your post – that baby is now 25, so clearly, time helps. I talked to my husband about it, but didn’t really have anyone else to talk to. I think what helped was creating a differerent thing to think about (usually planning what I was going to do about a problem, or just my schedule for the next day, and conciously making myself switch to that when the birth issues started intruding.

      Congrats on your healthy babies and good luck with all the parenting ahead!

    11. Margaret*

      You can have a traumatic *experience* even if the end result is ok.

      I had a PTSD diagnosis along with PPD; my delivery story is a long story but basically delivered with forceps, hemorrhaged and then was in the OR under general aesthethia later that night. So there was lots of obsessive thoughts about having made wrong choices/not being informed enough, along with missing his first night. The care providers I had were ok, but rather cavalier – there’s a bedside manner that requires acknowledging that this is a new and frightening experience to the patient, even if it’s something they see somewhat often, and many providers don’t have that. I was never at death’s door, but it was still frightening and uncomfortable, and it’s quite horrible to be (1) instructed on care of your newborn as if that’s your only concern (no, I can’t try nursing my baby while you have an IV stuck in the inside of my elbow digging in further every time I bend it and I have to literally beg and cry for hours to make you change that), and (2) treated like you should have had a loving, memorable night of bringing life to the world that was in reality a very trying medical experience.

      Therapy and time helped.

      1. Parenthetically*

        there’s a bedside manner that requires acknowledging that this is a new and frightening experience to the patient, even if it’s something they see somewhat often, and many providers don’t have that

        GOOD LORD this is SO TRUE.

    12. Ann O.*

      I wish I had advice! Labor is very difficult. I don’t think current US culture has a very honest cultural narrative around pregnancy, childbirth, or recovery or good tools for dealing with any of the above. I feel like we’re pretty much all left to our own. My delivery was not nearly as challenging as yours sounds, but it was still much longer than I anticipated (30+ hours) and a lot about how that time was spent was not the way my L&D classes led me to believe it would happen.

      So since I have no useful advice, instead sending sympathies and good wishes for sleep.

      Actually, one bit of advice… if you have caretakers available to help with night shift, I encourage you to talk to your doctor about a sleeping aid that will be compatible with your medical needs/breastfeeding decisions. The biggest thing that helped me was getting some solid, regular sleep, which I was not capable of doing without medical assistance.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Hey, the first six weeks are crazy. Your hormones & emotions are all over the place. It’s a huge deal, even if it wasn’t traumatic in the sense of tragedy, it is just – a really, really big deal. It’s a huge adjustment, it’s a LOT to process, and you don’t just snap back overnight.

      You’re right that not being able to sleep is problematic. I think time and talking it out will take care of the processing issue, but sleep deprivation increases anxious feelings and makes everything harder to deal with.

      It’s certainly worth talking to your doctor about the sleep. I don’t have any specific tips, because I was so exhausted I could sleep standing up if I got the chance. Ask your doc, I’m sure you’re not the only one.

      Hope you’re feeling better soon, and congrats on the sweet babies!

    14. Fikly*

      If it feels traumatic to you, it was traumatic.

      Have you looked into postpartum doulas at all? This is totally a thing, and many of them have experience not only helping with the new babies, but helping the new mom process the birth experience. And it’s generally much less expensive that a birth doula, if money is an issue. A neutral party may be helpful

    15. Anon for medical discussion*

      Giving birth is a physical trauma, especially if your birth involves surgery. For some people, that physical trauma involved more or less emotional trauma as well. You don’t need to justify whether your experience was “bad enough” to legitimize how you feel. You feel how you feel. You were scared, you were in pain, an immense thing happened within your body, and you had major abdominal surgery, all on the day you met two of the most important people in your life. That’s a big deal. Since then, you have had little rest while your body recovers. That’s going to make you feel awful.

      The minimum threshold for receiving professional help for an issue is that it’s distressing you. That’s it. So you can go talk to a therapist, who can help you process this immense physical and emotional experience. Or if you have people around you who can listen without judgment and affirm how you’re feeling, ask them to do that! But you really need people who will say “Yes, that was huge, of course you’re having this huge response. I’m sorry you were so scared/upset/embarrassed/whatever. What a reasonable response. Here’s a hug.” That’s what you need and deserve.

      For what it’s worth, I have “real, legitimate” diagnosed PTSD that followed the birth of my daughter. The birth was textbook, which I know because I deliver babies for a living. I had a relatively quick labour, straightforward vaginal birth, she was fine, I was fine. But birth itself is such a huge experience that it can be overwhelming and terrifying even when everything goes “right.” The medical definition of normal birth still includes a ton of fear and pain for many people. Our bodies are built to think that fear and pain come with injury and danger and the risk of death, and you can’t just rationalize that away with modern cultural perspectives on what’s scary enough to legitimize feeling scared.

      It’s OK if you didn’t have a good birth. We live in a culture that tells women that birth is either a medical procedure best controlled entirely by doctors or an empowering experience that doubles as a test of adequate womanhood, but really it’s a personal experience that takes places within your own personal body, and you are the only one who defines its meaning.

      I’m sorry for the parts of your experience that were so awful. Congratulations on the arrival of your beautiful kids!! Please be very kind to yourself and reach out for whatever help you need, formally or informally, to heal from a difficult experience.

      1. Observer*

        It’s OK if you didn’t have a good birth. We live in a culture that tells women that birth is either a medical procedure best controlled entirely by doctors or an empowering experience that doubles as a test of adequate womanhood, but really it’s a personal experience that takes places within your own personal body, and you are the only one who defines its meaning.

        This is so true. The messaging around child birth is ridiculous. And it directly feeds into difficulty in processing because it leads to all sorts of “what ifs” and questions about personal adequacy. Am I grateful / ungrateful / happy / sad / angry / empowered / assertive / compliant enough?

        And yes, some of these are polar opposites. Which just makes it that much harder, because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to meed this list (even if any of the question made sense in the context of most births.) So we’ve created a list of unstated expectations whose component parts are unrealistic on their own, and which are impossible as w whole.

        1. blackcat*

          I think of the worst messaging that a lot of women get is that as long as mother and baby (or sometimes just baby) are “healthy,” that’s what matters. Of course “healthy” means no major physiological complications. I’d say probably more than half the mothers I know carry some trauma from labor/delivery. It’s SO common for the experience to be traumatic in some way, and for many women I know, it’s either because they had a strong expectation of X or because it went sideways medically.

          In my case, I was surprisingly untraumatized by a truly excruciating precipitous labor. I did make it to the hospital for the worst of it, and I greatly appreciated both my doula (who did a lot of things around me, even though I wasn’t totally aware), and the midwife who acknowledge things were going to hurt LIKE HELL but be over fast. And while I came out of it pretty fine (after the first 48 hours or so… mostly I was dazed right after it), my husband was pretty traumatized by it. A lot of alarms went off, and a nurse straight up panicked (yo, nurses, if you are going to lose your shit, please leave the room). I lost a large amount of blood (transfusion was on the table). While I was sort of all zen about it/unaware of the worst, my husband was freaking out that either the baby or I or both were in trouble. It took him a long time to process that, and it was actually harder for him since nothing was “wrong” from my perspective. It was only after the fact that I realized that when he “went to the bathroom” about a half hour after my son was born, it was my doula taking him out of the room to get him to breathe for a bit. Meanwhile, I was all chipper being like “HEY A BABY! I ALREADY DON’T FEEL LIKE I’M GONNA PUKE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 9 MONTHS! THIS IS GREAT!!!” (pregnancy was not kind to me, and OMG the relief of not being pregnant! So good!)

          So I do want to gently push back on the person giving birth is the only one who defines it’s meaning. It’s a real thing for both parents, and I think it’s important for both parents to not minimize the other’s feelings. If it was traumatic for one, it was traumatic. (Also, medically, I think it’s always traumatic! You lose an organ and a 6-10lb creature from your abdomen. Even when it “goes well” there’s trauma to the body. I think it was like 2 weeks before I felt like my pelvis wasn’t just going to fall apart while I walked.)

    16. legalchef*

      I was induced at 38 weeks with sudden pre-e, was in labor for 28 hours, and ended up w a c section, so I understand a little of what you are going through. Honestly, it took me a couple weeks to just process the craziness of it all. I think it’s totally normal to be a little shell-shocked: your body has gone through a trauma, your hormones are all over the place, etc etc. Def speak w your dr, but I also don’t feel like you should be concerned about your feelings at this point.

    17. Call me St. Vincent*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like a lot to me and it takes time to process all of this especially when you have two newborns! I think my best advice is to cut yourself a whole lot of slack. I had a traumatic birth with my daughter (now 4) and I still obsess about it even now sometimes. My sons birth (18 months ago) was really fine but even though it was more recent, I still think about my daughters birth more. It will pass in time for you or at the very least lessen. I had PPA and obsessing can be part of that so I would just keep in the back of your mind that if things start getting more obsessive you might want to just check in with a therapist. It may seem like you don’t have time to do that (and you don’t!) but it might be something to make time for. Hang in there mama!

    18. Observer*

      I doubt talking to your OB is going to help. In my experience, they really don’t know anything useful about this set of issues.

      Some things that have helped me and people I know:
      1. Take all the help you can get.

      2. Make sure you get to eat and DRINK (even if you are not nursing). Try for one hot food / drink a day, as well as generally adequate nutrition and hydration.

      3. Shower and get out of your nightgown / pjs each day. Most people feel a lot better when they are clean and changed. You don’t need to get fancy – just getting from a night clothes to a clean robe or sweats makes people feel better.

      4. Decent pain control. You want something that works, but that won’t mess with your head. Ibuprofen is surprisingly good, and for a lot of people it has the fewest problematic side effects.

      5. If you are taking iron supplements, they can have some unpleasant side effects as well. If that’s your situation, please talk to your doctor about ways to ameliorate them – either symptomatic relief or a different form of the supplement. (SlowFe was a life saver for me, other people I know swear by FloraDix.)

      6. You don’t have to be suffering from PPD / be “crazed” by the situation to be dealing with a problem. It’s also ok to be sad or upset about some of the things that happened, even as you are grateful for the blessing you have. The fact is that in some ways the two are tightly linked – 2 7lb babies ARE going to cause their own set of problems. Which is to say, even as you recognize that you probably don’t have an earth shattering problem, your problem is real and legitimate. And you are not being “ungrateful” for being sad over things that were difficult and upsetting. Don’t fight those feelings, except as they cause a problem (eg you’re not getting sleep because you are still chewing it over.)

    19. Greywacke Jones*

      Thank you for all these kind and thoughtful replies! It has given me a lot to think about. I don’t think I so much feel guilty or like I failed because I ended up with a C-section. Some of the quirks of the way twin deliveries are handled (all deliveries take place in an OR regardless of the path, epidurals are strongly recommended, among other things) meant that I had thought through a lot of the possibilities and was pretty open to whatever needed to get done. I think possibly I needed to convince myself that it really was a difficult time, so that therefore it was ok that I struggled with it.

      I appreciate the suggestions to write stuff down/talk about it. I know expressing things is helpful, but also hard for me, so a kick to get started is helpful. I think I will reach out to the therapist I was seeing earlier this year.

  25. Lauren*

    Tmi/health issues ahead. I get a migraine the second day after my period starts. Sleeping usually is the only thing that cures it, but I can’t take a day off every month. Tylenol helps sometimes. Does anyone else get this? What helps?

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I started taking magnesium daily and have noticed a lessening in migraines. I had to stop taking excedrin because it hurts my stomach (ulcers?)

      Have you tried putting your feet in hot water and a cold cloth around your neck? Something about the constricting and dilating helps (can’t remember the medical explanation).

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Lauren: Phone or email your gynecologist about this. They should have the best, most up-to-date info.
        CoffeeforLife: Uncoated aspirin hurt my stomach. Problem solved with enteric coated aspirin.
        I hope you both feel better soon.

      2. DrTheLiz (not that sort of Dr)*

        It’s thought to be because migraine is… accompanied by vascular “spasming” in the brain (whether this is a symptom or a cause is currently fairly fraught among doctors, as I understand it). Triptans work by forcing vasoconstriction which disrupts the spasm-y cycles. Probably. We think. (This is also thought to be why different people find that the same substance, like caffeine of alcohol, to triggers and/or relievers – messes with brain blood vessel size)

        Lauren, there’s a good chance you can get Sumatriptan over the counter (you can in the UK). I find that ~20 minutes after taking it I feel pretty sleepy, take a half hour nap and am all better.

    2. HannahS*

      I don’t get period migraines, but the only thing that helps when I have a migraine (other than dark rooms and sleep) is naproxen (Aleve). I don’t find that ibuprofen is really strong enough? For me, 500 mg of naproxen will knock a migraine down to manageable pretty fast.

    3. Whyyy*

      Caffeine helps my migraines. I don’t consume very much caffeine regularly so 2 cups of coffee would be enough for me, but most OTC migraine pills like Bayer have higher levels of caffeine in them. If your migraines are that predictable maybe try starting the day with extra caffeine to get ahead of it?

    4. Sungold*

      I just came back from a medical conference that included two hours related to migraine headaches. There are so many more good treatments available now than there used to be, both to prevent migraines and to interrupt them. Have you spoken to a good neurologist about your options?

    5. Una*

      I only sometimes get period migraines, but my migraines are generally more responsive to medicine the earlier I take it – I’m lucky in only needing ibuprofen or naproxen (they are also better for period cramps because they actually lessen the contractions that cause cramps), plus a cup of coffee. Do you take medicine as soon as the glimmer of a migraine starts or do you wait until it’s quite painful? I find if I wait too long, I can’t knock it down. Since it’s so regular, maybe you could even try taking it before the migraine even starts and see if that helps?

    6. MMB*

      This happens to me as well. Except that mine is day one and the last day of my period and the headache typically lasts about 36 hours on average. I’ve had some success with a small dose of OTC progesterone cream and childs pose. I no longer do any yoga regularly, but that pose will almost completely alleviate my headache -at least temporarily.

    7. Strikingfalcon*

      Menstrual cycles are one of the most common migraine triggers. You have a couple of options. They are caused by a drop in your estrogen levels, so my gynecologist put me on a very low dose estrogen pill that I take just around the start of my period (I get 5-6 migraines in a row starting three days before). You could also look into changes to any birth control you’re on, to see if one that includes estrogen is right for you.

      Otherwise, you can treat it as it happens. Excedrin Migraine is more effective than Tylenol, as it also includes caffeine, but if that isn’t enough for you, talk to your doctor (your GP should be fine, you don’t necessarily need to see a neurologist if these are the only migraines you’re having) about getting a prescription for a triptan. You take it at the very start of the migraine, and it cuts it off.

      Migraines have multiple stages (you can look this up easily) and taking the medication during the earlier stages is necessary. Medications (triptans or painkillers) don’t work as well if you take them after the migraine reaches a full-blown headache (the point where you want to curl up in bed) so you’ll want to learn what your early symptoms look like (for me, it’s sensitivity to light or sound).

      If you’re waking up with the migraine already at full force, you could ask specifically about Frovatriptan which you can take preventatively the night before for menstrual migraines. I tried this for a while, and it helped, although the estrogen pill works much better for me.

      Other preventatives (the kind you take daily) are available if you get 4+ migraines a month (in which case you should definitely be seeing someone to manage them).

    9. Ali G*

      Are you on birth control? I get period migraines. The way I control it is I went on the 90-day BC option. That’s only a migraine every 3 months instead of every month.

    10. Seal*

      I used to get migraines as part of my monthly cycle. After giving up on a variety of migraine medication because the side effects were worse than the migraine itself, one doctor recommended 400mg Vitamin B2 (riboflavin) daily. Miraculously, that did the trick – no more monthly migraines! The only side effect was neon yellow urine, which is not at all a big deal once you get used seeing it. You do have to take it daily, though, not just when you get your period. Once I went through menopause the migraines stopped, so I stopped taking the riboflavin. But I took it for at least a decade and it worked very well for me.

    11. ToughBret*

      Ask your doctor about the triptans. Sumatriptan is available as a generic now and it’s very cheap and it was a miracle worker for me.

    13. WS*

      I got them every month, went on the contraceptive pill and only had one every three months instead (if I stacked pills longer I got breakthrough bleeding). I can’t take triptans, though a lot of people can, so the doctor put me on amitriptyline as a migraine preventative. It worked perfectly.

    14. LilySparrow*

      For several years I would get a migraine at period time (sometimes the kind I could grit my teeth and work through, sometimes not). For me it was probably associated with the beginning of perimenopause.

      Excedrin migraine formula + flat Coca cola were the only things that reliably eased the pain enough to function.

      There must have also been a stress component, because when I changed jobs they became far less intense and less frequent. So anything you can do on a regular basis to get your overall base stress level down may help as well.

    15. Anonymato*

      Sorry you are dealing with this.

      I had to adjust my copper after trying everything else! It seems to be in most multivitamins, and supposedly our hormones can react to it. It took a bit, maybe 2 months?, but I now rarely get the migraines.

      Google “Aviva Romm headache” for a good starting place.

      Also, fast-acting Tylenol worked for me best out of the different painkillers, it seems to be really individual.

  26. Juddddddddy*

    I was here complaining about being harassed on the sidewalk every 10 minutes in philly. Well… I moved to a new neighborhood, that’s not a even nicer area, and people are way more welcoming. I am definitely the opposite of the demographic but people are super respectful and I feel safe walking alone at night.

  27. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Gardening thread… it’s all about winter prep here in New England. I missed a freeze warning yesterday but got lucky. It was soon enough after an unseasonably warm period that the remaining terracotta pots outside survived. Some are in the sink now for a first rinse before vinegar & dishwaher. A few big with perennials I fought onto the porch for some warmth, when my husband gets back I’ll get him to move them to the garage. The biggest planters are plastic and were fine. The geraniums will die back slowly, but the dahlias need to be dug up today. This year I’m storing them right, in dry storage out of soil. Too many insects over wintered in the planters with them last year!
    Haven’t yet researched how to de-bug the giant geranium that I do plan to overwinter in the planter in the garage. Any voice of experience is welcome.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Has anyone had much luck carrying dahlias over the winter?
      I can only get the red ones to carry over. I have tried bulb dust with the same results. I have tried leaving them in a pot; putting them bare root in a bag; and putting them in fresh soil. Nothing has worked yet.
      The red ones are troopers, they carry over no matter what I do.

      1. Dahlia Enthusiast*

        I dig up my dahlias and overwinter them in the garage. Once they’re dug up, we wash the dirt off (spray ‘em with the hose) and let them dry for a few days. Then we divide the clumps into individual tubers, dust them with an anti-fungal (trying cinnamon this year, used sulphur in the past) and wrap them in plastic cling wrap. The bundles are labeled and packed in milk crates. You always lose some over the winter, but we’ve had the best results this way.
        The American Dahlia Society has some detailed articles on winter storage techniques.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Last year I over wintered the pot in the garage — I honestly thought the thing had died, because it took so long to get started in the spring. And no flowers until late August. I did have one crazy success though–I broke a piece off by accident and stuck it in a geranium pot and it took root. That one is getting an overwintering garage spot under the LED bulbs.
        For the big purple-tipped one, and the mini yellow i was given, im going bare root and trying the antifungal DahliaEnthusiast mentions — because that yellow one ended the year with a rip-roaring case of powdery mildew. I’m glad I noticed it before it spread to everything else. Spider mites are enough to deal with.

        1. Dahlia Enthusiast*

          Powdery mildew must just be in my soil, just about everything has it by the end of the summer. I’m going to try planting them further apart next spring, I’ve heard better air circulation around the plants helps keep it to a minimum.
          Late August is the usual flowering time around here, give them a hit of tomato fertilizer for bigger blooms.
          The aphids were terrible this year, I need to attract more ladybugs.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Thanks, you guys.
        I am going to try that cinnamon. I know in human health cinnamon is a positive, it can help support immune systems so this is making sense to me.
        I am also going to check out the American Dahlia Society, too. Thanks for that tip also.

        Someone around here grows dahlias about 4 feet high in all colors, every. single. year. I am jealous and I have to do something about that dahlia envy.

    2. Venus*

      I did a good job cleaning up the garden, but the leaves are off the trees, the frost has hit hard, and now I’m just waiting for the snow to cover everything up.

      I have some indoor plants that I’ve been asked to look after, by a friend who has a cat. Thankfully they seem to be doing well!

    3. Bluebell*

      Leaves still falling here so haven’t raked and cleaned up the garden yet. I have no idea about the geranium, sorry! My very big hibiscus is in the mud room and almost ready to move upstairs. I should cut it back severely but it still has so many buds! This makes me very happy because it didn’t bloom for about 10 years but a new pot and fertilizer worked wonders this spring/summer.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My husband moved the big geranium pot with its trailing dianthus into the front office. It’s so big I’m using a Rubbermaid storage tub lid as an underliner! It’s so full of buds I think it’s a good idea.
      We cleared leaves off the roof and out of the gutters, now I’m tackling the back patio. If exercise helps you sleep, I’ll be out all night.

    5. JobHunter*

      I waited a little too long, and my celery froze! I am in the process of cutting it up for soup ingredients and re-freezing it. My kitchen smells delicious.

      Everything outside is composted and covered in leaves, awaiting the snow. I started my indoor garden a few weeks ago and the lettuce looks great. I’ll have to start eating to keep it to a manageable size. My geranium and rosemary dropped some blooms/pieces after being brought indoors. Otherwise they are fine. I have found only a few stray insects. The spider plant hanging baskets and lemongrass went gangbusters outside so I have to figure out what to do with them. Any ideas?

  28. CoffeeforLife*

    Thanksgiving meal planning! I love trying new sides/preparations/combinations and the internet seems to skew towards the traditional American dishes from the 70s.

    What is your favorite *uncommon* holiday dish (outside of the standard American list you’d find at a buffet).

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Recipe! Recipe!
        That sounds wonderful. I do mine with bacon and caramelized onions and garlic, but the raisins sound great.
        I use raisins in the sauce for the ham, with orange juice, brown sugar and a dash of dry mustard. The cloves, of course, cooked into the ham.

    3. knead me seymour*

      I’m intrigued by traditional American Thanksgiving dishes, and only have a vague sense of what they might be (green bean casserole? canned pineapples and cheese? sweet potatoes with marshmallows??). My British inspired Canadian Thanksgiving staples are: roasted potatoes, carrots and parsnips; chestnut and pancetta Brussels sprouts; sausage and sage Challah stuffing; cranberry sauce; giblet gravy; broccoli; roasted squash with brown sugar. I’m not sure if these would be uncommon in America or not.

      1. WellRed*

        Some of it is regional as to what is served. Though I can’t imagine anyone anywhere eating pineapple and cheese ; )

        1. Reba*

          Ooh the pineapple with cheese casserole used to be one of the signature holiday dishes of my late great aunt. So we keep on doing it, because it is a truly bizarre treasure of mid-century cooking!

          1. Clisby*

            Oh, yeah, a member of my extended family makes this for Thanksgiving/Christmas. I had once read a recipe for it and thought “Ewwww” but when I actually had a chance to eat it, I found out I loved it.

        2. knead me seymour*

          To be fair, these are all things I’ve heard of but not experienced in real life, so I’m pretty sure they exist conceptually, I’m just not sure whether anyone actually eats them.

          1. Filosofickle*

            People definitely eat green bean casserole and sweet potatoes with marshmallows in the US. But no one in my family…we wouldn’t touch the stuff! I am revolted by the idea of pineapple and cheese. Never heard of that one.

            That’s all very mid-century cooking, as Reba notes. Lots of canned ingredients.

      2. CAA*

        My native Californian family eats all the things you list as being British inspired, though not necessarily always on Thanksgiving. Usually on Thanksgiving we have mashed potatoes, because that’s when I make turkey gravy, and mashed potatoes with homemade gravy are the most sublime dish on earth and I am not missing out on that. I like roasted potatoes too, but for the holiday they’ve got to be mashed.

        Of the other things on your list, stuffing and cranberry sauce are particularly associated with Thanksgiving. The other veggies: carrots, parsnips, broccoli, squash, Brussels sprouts; we eat in a variety of preparations all winter long. We’re having roasted Brussels sprouts with bacon and balsamic vinegar tonight.

        The things you think of as American we don’t eat at all in my family. I’ve never even heard of putting cheese (cottage cheese I guess?) with pineapple, and I have no interest in sweet potatoes with marshmallows (seriously, when there are real mashed potatoes on the same table?) or green bean caserole (though I did have this once at a friend’s potluck when someone made all the ingredients from scratch, and it was actually pretty good).

        1. knead me seymour*

          Mashed potatoes seem to be a main point of contention between North American and British turkey dinners. I say that mine is British inspired because they’re all the things my British grandparents used to make, although I do variations on some of them. We don’t truck with mashed potatoes, and I will admit that I don’t like the texture very much. Give me a crispy potato any day.

        2. CoffeeforLife*

          Cottage cheese and pineapple is a dieter’s staple from the 80s. Can’t say I’ve ever heard it served hot. I’m thinking more like a velveeta type of cheese for the casserole??

          1. 00ff00Claire*

            The cheese is cheddar and there are other things in there I think. Weirdly, it tastes better than you would expect.

        3. Elenna*

          Mashed potatoes and gravy are the best thing.

          Pineapple and (cheddar) cheese reminds me of pineapple pizza, which I love, so I’d be down to try that. (Then again, I’m down to try basically anything that isn’t too spicy.) Sweet potatoes with marshmallows sound yummy although given a choice I, too, would pick mashed potatoes and gravy in a heartbeat.

        4. JobHunter*

          The idea of mixing poneapple and cottage cheese grosses me out. My family prefers to have cottage cheese topped with freshly cracked black pepper. I like mine with a splash of Worcestershire, too.

        5. Parenthetically*

          https://southernbite.com/pineapple-cheese-casserole/

          Although cottage cheese and pineapple is a fairly standard dieters’ combo, this is what people are referring to as a holiday side dish. It’s meant to be a sweet-savory complement to a roast meat — I can see it as a side dish for ham, though it’s definitely not to my taste.

          I’ve also never seen that marshmallow/canned sweet potato thing as a stand-in for mashed potatoes — every holiday table that I’ve sat at where there were sweet potatoes and marshmallows also held a big bowl of mashed potatoes!

    4. CTT*

      A friend’s family would always make a appetizer – homemade cranberry sauce mixed with horseradish, and then poured over a block of cream cheese, with crackers to dip into it. DELICIOUS.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I do something similar — a really spicy cranberry chutney with lots of ginger, jalapeno, red onion, and coriander, served hot over a log of chevre, with crackers to dip. It’s glorious and I make it for both Thanksgiving and Christmas.

        1. Donna*

          Well, thank you for the fantastic sounding Christmas dinner appetizer. I have official added it to my list! :)

      2. Clisby*

        I thought I hated cranberry sauce until I had Thanksgiving with some in-laws and our hostess made it herself. It was fabulous. Until then, the only cranberry sauce I had had was that icky jelly-type stuff you splat out of a can.

        1. Filosofickle*

          I have a shameful love of the jelly stuff. (Only Ocean Spray, though.) It’s so gross and against everything my California foodie heart stands for, but also weirdly delicious. Real cranberry sauce is, of course, vastly superior and not hard.

        2. Pippa K*

          I make a cranberry sauce that has won over a number of anti-cranberry people. It’s just cranberries baked with sugar and a bit of cinnamon, and then bourbon stirred in at the end. The heat flashes off most (but not all!) of the alcohol and the lovely bourbon flavour remains. It’s delicious.

        3. CAA*

          I know I have posted this here in past years, but the one I make that is a huge hit is Persimmon Cranberry Sauce from epicurious.com. It has red wine and star anise in it and the whole thing takes approximately 10 minutes to make. It always gets rave reviews.

          1. CoffeeforLife*

            I am so happy it’s persimmon season-I just bought a box! I’m checking this recipe out, thank you!

    5. Blue wall*

      Just planned the menu with my SIL and mom today! Instead of green bean casserole we are doing a lemony kale salad. I got the recipe from the NYT maybe 8 years ago.

    6. Parenthetically*

      My mom’s side of the family have been doing a beautifully frothy, icy cranberry sherbet for at least four generations! It’s served with the meal, not as a dessert, as a sort of palate cleanser between bites.

    7. Ginger Sheep*

      Traditional Christmas side in my family that would do well for Thankgiving as well, I believe (we don’t do Thanksgiving here in Europe): red cabbage cooked with chestnuts and apples.

    8. heckofabecca*

      Growing up, I always thought EVERYONE had homemade applesauce and ginger snaps at Thanksgiving… apparently not XD

      My mom always made a jello mold for Thanksgiving. I can’t stand jello myself, but with fruit it’s very pretty and went fast! And she’d make 2—one sugar free for the diabetics :)

    10. Aphrodite*

      My dinner includes these:
      Roast herb turkey (this year rubbed with bacon butter and herbs)
      Oven-baked dressing with sage and thyme
      Herb gravy
      Cranberry sauce
      Mosaic salad (a green salad with everything)
      Black pepper pumpkin pie
      Pomegranate white tea

      Instead, aside from the usual mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes/yams, I also add these vegetable dishes:
      French green beans and shallots
      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/11356-french-green-beans-and-shallots

      Roasted endives with thyme
      https://naturallyella.com/roasted-endives-with-thyme/

      Baked artichoke hearts
      https://www.marthastewart.com/318794/roses-baked-artichoke-hearts

    11. CoffeeforLife*

      My grandmother’s Thanksgiving dinner is straight out of 1973: dry as a bone turkey, canned cranberry jelly (that you sliced using the can indentions as a guide), green bean casserole, yams with burnt marshmallows, bagged dinner rolls, stuffing (that probably didn’t reach temperature inside of the bird).

      I was once told I was ruining Thanksgiving by deviating from that menu…this year, my house my menu.

    12. 00ff00Claire*

      My mom used to make a fruit curry every year, and she still does occasionally. It certainly isn’t American traditional, but it’s good!

    13. RebeccaSmiles*

      My favorite uncommon dish at Thanksgiving is my mom-in-law’s dirty rice. If you’ve ever eaten at Popeyes, it’s what they call Cajun Rice.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but homemade cranberry sauce is essential on a Christmas turkey. The stuff in jars is far too sweet, but comes in handy for making glazes for joints of ham.

        I have Nigella Lawson’s Feast book, and she has Christmas and Thanksgiving recipes in one section. Sweet potatoes topped with marshmallows sounds very odd.

    14. Laura H.*

      Carrot candy/ candied carrots!

      Cook the carrots in brown sugar (not sure if boiled steamed or roasted sorry) and those go FAST! at our dinner table.

    15. Assistant Alpaca Attendant*

      My family is part Polish so we always have pierogi and kapusta as sides along with traditional American ones (slow-cooked sauerkraut with leftover meat or bones and spices for flavor).

      I prefer sweet potatoes without the marshmallow type toppings and like to make seasoned roasted sweet potatoes, similar to this but I cut the sugar and add additional spices. https://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=681608

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My mother in law is Lebanese so labne (yoghurt cheese) is common. Pickled turnips may make an appearance. And dessert will often include baklava.
      Growing up, my Italian sister in law always brought a baked pasta dish.
      I also remember one memorable baked salmon at a Friendsgiving. Some sort of fruit compote sauce. Yum

    17. Owler*

      My family always made a fresh (uncooked) cranberry relish of cranberries, oranges, and a bit of sugar grated in a food processor. My dad free up near cranberry bogs, so this was his recipe. Anthony Bourdain’s version is close to ours.

    18. CoastEast*

      I hate turkey so I make pork chops with apple chutney

      Also, baked Brie and Cranberry sauce? *swoon*

      1. Liz*

        My mom and I don’t care much for turkey either, so I used to just do a roast chicken instead. But, now that its just the two of us, we don’t even do anything remotely like traditional Thanksgiving. I make rouladen, homemade spatzle, and she does red cabbage. MUCH less work, and fairly easy. And she used to make apple pie for dessert but her arthritis kind of prevents her from doing it anymore. So i discovered these small individual apple/cranberry tarts at Trader joes that I’m going to get. Easy peasy, and i make enough so we each have enough for a second meal.

  29. Lady Jay*

    Running thread!

    I went for a run in the dark Monday AM and . . . tripped over a place where the asphalt buckled, and landed *hard*. Some pretty gory wounds; my left knee still has not fully scabbed over. I’ve been waking early, doing a little work at home, then running when it gets light, but I am still SO excited about the time change this weekend.

    1. LGC*

      I’m excited about the time change…because it means I get to sleep an extra hour tomorrow! (And then I get to hang out in the cold in Fort Wadsworth with 50,000 of my closest friends.)

      I’m at the charging station of the NYC Marathon expo right now. It’s pretty nice. I MIGHT have overpacked my schedule – did a shakeout run this morning from the RunCenter (NYRR’s main home base), sat in on a podcast recording, picked up my bib, and then I’m going to hit up the New Balance Miles for Pizza pop-up before going to a talk by Meb Keflezighi at 1.

    2. A bit of a saga*

      Oh yes I did something similar last week – really nice run, felt like I was flying until I tripped over a tram track and fell flat. An old man helped me get back on my feet, thankfully only scraped my leg but still pretty painful. After suffering from low running mojo for a while I’m now back and feeling motivated. I’ve started to follow a low(er) HR strategy when running which increased my stamina but has also brought back the fun. Waiting to hear if I got into Berlin marathon, if so that’ll be my big 2020 goal. What races are the rest of you running? (I know some of you incl. LGC are doing New York tomorrow – good luck!!)

    3. Geezercat*

      Ran the EQT Ten Miler today (Pittsburgh, PA). A really nice morning for it – around 30F at race time, sunny, no wind. Had an unexpectedly good race (I decided to do it a week beforehand, and had worked 3 12-hour shifts W/Th/F so my legs were tired!).

  30. Lady Jay*

    House design! If you could design your dream home, what is one feature you’d be sure to include? For me, at least right now, it’d be a bathroom with one of those towel warmers built in. The weather here got COLD last night and towel warmers sounded wonderful to me, after my run this morning.

    (We may have had this thread before, six months back? But it’s a fun topic, so I’m shamelessly reposting.)

    1. Jenny*

      Huge nice prep area in my kitchen. Designated laundry room with a laundry tub.

      My parents have a house vac and I am also super jealous of that.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      Butler’s pantry, heated floors, built ins, cozy library room with fireplace (currently have one and *love it*), 4 seasons room

      There are plug in towel warmers!

    3. Llellayena*

      You just managed to ask an architect what she’d design into her dream home, I’ll try not to write a novel…

      Library a la Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
      Large sewing room with a wall of fabric storage, long arm quilt machine, giant cutting table, king-sized design wall…um, getting a little too detailed now
      Large kitchen with prep island and professional gas stove
      Wood shop with chop saw, drill press and laser cutter
      Living room with gas fireplace, stained glass windows and a perfect alcove for a Christmas tree

      Ok, I’m going to stop now and find some paper to start drawing this…

      1. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

        I was going to say “large sewing/craft room”, but the more I read your list I’d like to just copy and paste your dream house into my own. Is that okay? :)

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      I live in south florida (hurricanes!). I’d make a central room that was completely concrete enclosed (our exterior house walls are concrete block but not interior walls) as a sort of shelter in place. Make it a central closet/storage room for the house with enough space for a big mattress for the times the hurricane hits overnight.

      Also a house vac and at least one bookshelf/secret door.

    7. knead me seymour*

      I would just want to live in my old house again. Window seat overlooking the ocean, enormous balcony built right over the ocean, canoe shed, garden, attic bedroom. With the addition of Mr. Norrell’s library.

    8. Clever Name*

      Heated floors in the bathroom. Multiple gas fireplaces. An atrium. Built on a hillside with large windows facing the forest, and a massive wrap around deck (this and an atrium described a friend of the family’s house, and it’s hands down my most favorite house ever).

    9. HBJ*

      How do I keep it to one? Haha.

      -Custom laundry room with a sink, counter, a hanging rod and fold-out ironing board.
      -Large double-headed shower that’s around a corner; thus no lip or tub edge to step over and no curtain to mess with.
      -Huge kitchen sink.
      -Outfoor kitchen for grilling.
      -Library with one of those ladders that rolls around the room on rails.

      Probably most important to us and most likely to happen is the sink and shower.

    10. Not A Manager*

      Heated floors
      Steam shower
      Big eat-in kitchen with a farmhouse table
      Wood-burning fireplace
      Large laundry room with space for ironing and folding
      In-house storage such as basement or attic
      One wall of the kitchen to be all cabinets and no counters, so I could keep my appliances in it and retrieve them easily.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Your kitchen wall – I did that on one wall of my dining room with Ikea’s Kallaxes. It’s amazing. :)

    11. cat socks*

      This isn’t necessarily practical or realistic, but I want a slide to get down from one floor to another. I would still have stairs too.

      Also some kind of “bathroom” for the cats where I can keep their litter boxes instead of keeping them the laundry room like I do now.

    12. lifesempossible*

      I have lots of features in a dream house!!
      My in-laws have a giant utility room that they’ve converted into storage + workout area. I really want a home with something similar, as I love kickboxing and can’t hang up a heavy bag in the garage (winters are too cold).
      My fiance is obsessed with a movie room, so I’d include a movie area. From Pinterest, I’ve seen both attic and basement conversions and either one is awesome. It doesn’t need to be fancy with staggered stairs or anything; just a nice couch and enough to entertain a small crowd.
      Also obsessed with good kitchen islands. My mom has one that is about 10′ long and a surface that you can slice stuff, put hot pans on, and basically do anything you want. I don’t know how people function without something like this.
      Speaking of towels (and I’d love that towel warmer idea!), I have seen towel hangers that slide out. Those are really handy! Plus it’s classy-looking to not have towels draped across a doorway or cockeyed over the towel bar.
      +1000 to the people suggesting cozy fireplaces and libraries.
      Finally, I’m veeeeryyyyy particular on bathrooms and I’d put in a designated guest 1/2 bath near the main entertaining area. It prevents visitors from wandering around your house and is easier to clean in a pinch for guests.

    13. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Maybe: Bathtub, massage sofa.
      Must: a small hall to leave my shoes and change into slippers, like in Asian households. Right now I take my shoes next to the door or before entering. Either way, the carpet nearby the door is so worn out it looks pitiful.

    14. fuzzfrogs*

      Pure fantasy: heated bathroom floors, one of those back patio doors that retreats into the wall. A center courtyard with entertaining spaces. A spiral staircase up to a personal garrett. A hidden bookcase door. Lots of dark wood, wood floors, etc. One of those master baths where you have to walk through the big-ass closet with your vanity in it to get to the bathroom.

      Based on my experiences with my own house: a dedicated sewing space (maybe behind that bookcase door so I don’t feel obligated to clean it up when we have company over). A sink in the laundry room. A dog flap to the backyard.

    15. Stephanie*

      Heated floors, a large, walk-in linen closet, and a dedicated area for feeding the dogs that is not in the kitchen. We just moved 2 months ago, and the only things I truly miss from our previous, much larger house are the baseboard heat and the walk-in linen closet. I am surprised to say that I don’t miss my master bathroom and attached garage as much as I thought I would. Things I love about this house: large kitchen, built-ins in the small dining room (SO MUCH STORAGE), screened porch, and tons of character. I’m a proponent of scale and craftsmanship over size, too.

    16. Parenthetically*

      FACING THE SUN, FFS. I’ve lived in a north-northwest-facing condo for 11 years and get zero sun in it for 3 months out of the year, and BLISTERING sun in summer evenings that heats the whole place up.

      But for actual features: a mudroom with a laundry.

    18. Ranon*

      Grid hookups but full off grid capabilities – would love to be net zero energy, water and wastewater. (unfortunately in the real world waste water is a tricky one to really make work unless you’re fairly rural, which my dream home would not be). And at net zero energy performance I’d have no drafts which sounds wonderful in comparison to our current place.

    20. LNLN*

      -Love having a dedicated laundry room, does not have to be large
      -Outdoor living space; we eat out on our patio most evenings in the summer
      -Heated floors
      -Outdoor shower; nothing fancy

    21. Alexandra Lynch*

      There is no such thing as too much storage. Especially for kitchen storage and dry pantry items and servingware.
      I want a closet for cleaning supplies big enough to tuck the Dyson and the floor steamer inside. I want a laundry room big enough to fold clothes in and hang clothes up and store the hangers without banging your head into them.
      I want a coffee bar with water laid on and a small refrigerator underneath for the cream. I want a screened in porch for the cats. I want it all on one level with a basement apartment for my son when I am old and need help.

    22. Traffic_Spiral*

      Wall-to-ceiling bookshelves and an outdoor light that’s a wrought iron chandelier hanging from a tree.

    23. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      A designated small room for the catbox to live, that has a sink to scrub out the catbox, is set up to be easy to clean, catches all the litter off her paws before she leaves the room, and has a vent fan for poop.

    24. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      A big front porch with a wheelchair ramp built in along one side. I have lots of outside great seating space in the back of my current place, but I’d like to be able to sit out front and socialize with my neighbors more. (Right now, this only happens when I am doing yardwork.) A wheelchair ramp would make it easier for me to have company, as well as be handy for getting groceries back from the farmer’s market since I use a cart for that.

      If my finances are in a reasonable place in a year or two, I’m going to look into what the road setbacks are like where I live and see how possible it would be to add one on. There’s lots of space between my house and the street, but I don’t know how much of it is buildable.

      I also really miss having a separate master bathroom. I thought I wouldn’t care as long as I was living by myself, but it would be nice to have a bathroom that company doesn’t see.

      In an ideal world, I would also have a large room to use as a meeting/party/concert/multi-purpose room, with a big storage closet to keep folding chairs and tables in, and a projector and A/V equipment in front with a small stage. I’d want something that was easy to close off from the rest of the house so it’d be easy to use as event space without worrying about people wandering through the rest of my house.

    25. Goldfinch*

      Not the home itself, but: tons and tons of land, so I can have peace and quiet. Like, I want Brad Kelly levels of property. So tired of every neighbor slamming car doors all day long (they aren’t even moving the vehicles, so WTF are they doing?) and letting their stinky mangy dogs shit in my yard and howl all day and night.

      My ideal home would basically be Daryl’s House. Tons of windows, open multi-story floor plan, lots of cats, and massive wooded acreage.

    26. Aurora Leigh*

      Oooh fun! I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this!

      We would have a U shaped house. One side of the U would be an open plan kitchen/ dining/ living room with one of those pellet stoves that looks like an old fashioned woodstove. Lots of windows looking out into the woods. The bottom side of the U would be a long hallway with lots of storage and pantry space. Doors would open into a greenhouse in the center courtyard. The other side of the U would be be the bedrooms and bathroom (with extra large shower). Heated floors. Full finished basement would be library/ craft room/ makerspace.

      There would be small barn for dwarf goats and a mini donkey, a chicken cooper, a rabbit hutch, and a large garden.

      A girl can dream!

    27. Fikly*

      A round library, two stories, with those rolling metal ladders. Impractical? Completely! But we’re fantasizing here, right?

    29. Amethystmoon*

      I would include a very large library with a fireplace and a comfy chair, as well as a table/desk/stand for cups of coffee or tea.

    30. OtterB*

      I like lots of the other suggestions (library, yes!) but I would like a tucked-away nook with comfortable chair , nice view out a window, and small bookshelf, to use as a prayer space.

    31. KR*

      Good amount of porch/patio/balcony type outdoor space. A nice master bathroom – I don’t need a Jacuzzi tub or marble but after living in rentals with painted over bath tubs that are impossible to clean, barely functioning bathroom fans, and the cheapest bathroom fittings a landlord can find, I’m ready for a nice master bathroom. A fireplace for the husband. A bit more counter space than my current place. Honestly I’m happy being in a smaller house without grand amazing things in it, but I want windows and a somewhat pleasant bathroom. I also strongly prefer a separate laundry area or a half bath laundry combo.

    32. D.W.*

      1. Designated laundry room with sink
      2. An enclosed room with door for all exterior doors. Basically, you walk in a door that leads to a “room” and then you go through another door that leads into the house.
      3. A raised foyer or vestibule with built in shoe cubbies and coat hooks, and house slippers for guests.
      4. Walk-in pantry w/ lighting
      5. 6-burner range with well-built gas hood
      6. Double oven
      7. Island with butcher block top
      8. Korean ondol heating in floors

    33. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I want a tower room. I want a greenhouse. I want a Belfast sink*. But my must-have is the pass-through pantry shelving I saw once. There’s a back door to it in the room closest to the garage, so you load from there and hey presto the older containers are always in front to be used first.
      *I’ve been trying to get a counterparts one for do long I’m just going to try to make one when we get the woodshop set up.

  31. Lost in the Library*

    I’m really struggling to find a way to deal with my elderly mother and like… actually have a life. I feel like her stubbornness and resistance to change is really killing any chance I’m going to have at a fulfilling life with a viable career, my own family, etc.

    She’s 74 and my dad died almost 3 years ago. He did everything from maintaining the house (ugh, so many unfinished home improvement projects to deal with as well) to paying the bills to grocery shopping. She’s mentally ill, about 20 years ago she was diagnosed with schizophrenia (and she also used to have alcohol issues, where she’d spend all day at the local bar until just after he died). I’m frustrated with this whole situation because now *I* have to deal with everything and then deal with MY life and it’s such a fucking mess. I manage her money (her bills are automated, thank god), maintain the house as best I can (arrange for snow removal/lawn care, etc.), get her groceries, take her to medical appointments, and she’s just so… she doesn’t give a shit! I know that if I moved she wouldn’t be able to do anything for herself and what makes me most angry is that she thinks she’s doing “just fine” and that she can “manage “on her own when she obviously can’t. She won’t do ANYTHING for herself. For example, she’d neglected her dental health so bad that her teeth are falling out! But she refuses to go to the dentist or DO ANYTHING about it. Some of her bills are still in my dad’s name (which I just noticed) and she REFUSES to call them and tell them the situation and get the accounts transferred to her! “You’ll do it for me” she says! Well, I guess I have to or else it won’t get done! She can’t even fix the tv when her remote doesn’t work!! She drives me insane. I’ve moved out and rent a room in a house not too far from her, but I still spend so much time dealing with this. I wish she would just move into an assisted living facility (where she needs to be), because all I do is worry about how she’s going to live if I ever have to move away. She wants to stay in her house against all odds and I’ve been at my wit’s end for three years. Something has to give, like am I supposed to give up my life for her? That’s what it sounds like.

    I wish I could move away so badly, my career prospects are just getting worse and worse by the day in my province (Alberta and I work in libraries so… yikes). I don’t know how I could move away and leave her in her house. I have no relatives or close friends to rely on for support, so it’s just me and I don’t know where to begin. I feel like I’m trapped as her servant for the rest of her life until she dies! It’s just awful. I’m in therapy and she always tells me I can move and take care of her from a distance, but… HOW? Like, I need actual steps and instructions to do this, because I am so overwhelmed.

    What am I supposed to do? I feel like I’m throwing my life away for this woman.

    1. Clever Name*

      This sounds so incredibly difficult. In short, no, you do not have to subsume your entire life into caring for your mother.

      Do you have power of attorney for her? Meaning, are you legally empowered to make decisions for her? If not, see if you can convince her to see a lawyer and get that done. Barring that, I’ve found with stubborn people, they will sometimes give in if you introduce ideas to them slowly. Honestly it sounds like assisted living is the best environment for her. So maybe start of talking about them and how nice they are nowadays etc. she will likely push back hard, so back away and then bring it up later. Then show her brochures and than back off talking about it for a while. See if you can get to a point where you can take her for a visit to one. But this process will likely take months.

    2. fposte*

      That’s really rough, Lost. I imagine you’ve read Rebecca’s threads, since she’s in a similar situation. On the practical side, I don’t know the provincial situation–is there any kind of senior health agency that can provide some advice? (Looks like Alberta has a booklet of Senior Programs and Services–are you familiar with it?) On the emotional side–while her ingratitude may be what galls the most, even if she were grateful, that’s still a whole lot of your life you’d be spending on this considerable project. And I think it’s one thing to be helpful to a parent in their old age, but it’s quite another to sacrifice your life for theirs.

      So what happens if some of this doesn’t get done? She doesn’t want to go to the dentist; then okay, she doesn’t go. She doesn’t transfer bills out of your dad’s name; then okay, they don’t get transferred. If her TV doesn’t get fixed, it doesn’t get fixed. She is not going to handle her life to the standard you’re hoping, so your solution is to lower your standard. So–are there grocery delivery services there? House cleaners? Those sound like the main thing. You’ve already got lawn care and snow removal set, and I’m presuming that medications are dealt with already as well. Can you ask her doctor’s office for ideas about transporting her to appointments when you can’t?

      And I’m going to be blunt here: the end years are highly imperfect for most people. If she won’t go into assisted living, she’s choosing a likelihood of certain things going poorly (ALF also comes with its own risks, of course). I think it’s reasonable for you to do what you can but you can’t make up for the deficits of that choice; it’s not your job to save her from all of those things. If she lives another twenty years and you’ve spent all your time and energy trying to maximize her life, what’s going to happen to you when she goes? Who’s going to take care of you?

      1. Washi*

        I agree with all of this. I was holding my friend’s wailing baby the other day, and it was sort of fascinating how he would flail and try to fling himself backward without even the concept of falling.

        Your mom is not a baby and you are not her parent. If she metaphorically flings herself around, and refuses to do things, let her. What if you stopped trying as hard? What if you frame this as respecting her choices as an adult, and let her make her poor choices? You don’t have to move away tomorrow, but maybe try fixing one less thing for her this week, and see what happens.

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I totally get it about the ingratitude, I paid for years on old age care insurance for my mother (now 89 and still wants to be the center of attention) dragging payments out of some of my 5 siblings (some genuinely couldn’t and some had such issues that they wouldn’t). She is now in a lovely facility and constantly complains about not having her car and the lack of studly (her words-shudder) men about the place. When they periodically evaluate her she is outraged because she feels they are dumbing her down. Sharper than a serpent’s tooth, my sister and I have nicknamed ourselves Goneril and Regan

      3. WellRed*

        Agreed. Some of this stuff doesn’t matter. Bills stay in dad’s name? So what? What are the critical needs?

      4. Katefish*

        Based on my experience with aging relatives, even if they’re bellowing about, “I was born in this house and I’ll die in this house*” in one of the angry stages of Alzheimer’s, something eventually forces a move into assisted living, usually a fall. It’s great if you can use the suggestions above and get the move done voluntarily, but even if not, medical necessity tends to precipitate moving.

        *Narrator: In fact, he was not born in that house, and he did not die in it either. :)
        (In fairness to him, we was a sweetheart before and after Angry Alzheimer’s. It’s beyond frustrating to realize your brain isn’t working right.)

        2. Filosofickle*

          My grandmother firmly insisted she was leaving her house “feet first”. (She and Grandpa built that house together to retire and live out their days in. He died twenty years ago.) She was declining fast but refused all services and in-home help. Considering she lived alone on many acres, we were waiting for that fall to happen.

          The the damndest thing happened instead — her dementia progressed to the point where she forgot she refused to move. She was visiting California for Christmas 3 years ago, and was complaining about how nice the weather is here and how she hates the snow where she lived. Mom said, wearily and for the umpteenth time, “Well, you could always move here.” And Grandma said, “OK”. We were all flabbergasted. My parents moved her out immediately before she could change her mind. Her decline continued and she passed recently, much to everyone’s relief. It’s been miserable for everyone including her. My parents’ lives were completely upended.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      Seconding the point that you do not need to subsume your life for your mom.
      Get power of attorney, set things up the way that works for you and live your life!

    4. Llellayena*

      Schizophrenia can have weird effects like this. My aunt went into assisted living around age 50 (way before she would be allowed to normally) because she couldn’t take care of herself due to the schizophrenia. I’d definitely get power of attorney (or the Canadian equivalent) and move toward getting her in assisted living. You might be able to leverage the schizophrenia to get disability services above and beyond the normal aging services. That might fill the home care gaps that you are currently handling. Good luck.

    5. Rebecca*

      Oh my, I am sending you a big internet hug from a stranger. You can read the posts about my mother, yikes, mine is 83 (84 next month), knows everything, is so unappreciative of anything I do I really wish she’d treat me like a stranger on the street, at least she’d smile. I’m mostly alone in this too, only child, my Dad passed away (and he did tons of stuff, even at his age), and my mother cannot live on her own, yet she still acts like she can and will not learn, change, do things differently, and everyone else is an idiot but her. I can understand why you’re overwhelmed. It’s totally normal to feel this way!

      If you don’t have legal and medical power of attorney, I suggest you get it (I have both). If the TV doesn’t get fixed and it’s messed up, don’t jump to fix it. It’s not a life or death situation. If her teeth fall out, they do, she’ll have to figure out how to eat soft foods with no teeth. As far as the bills, if you can, sign up for online access (I’m working on this behind Mom’s back as utilities are still in Dad’s name, and I anticipate issues shutting things down when the time comes). Basically, you have a life. You need to live your life. If she won’t cooperate, don’t jump through hoops to make her comfortable. This is what I’m doing here – Mom can’t do things, but she acts like all is well, and I do not follow her around asking if she’s OK, if she needs something, things like that. If she forgets something on the grocery list, it will wait until next week. If she has an appointment, she can pay the senior transport people to take her (I’m not taking off work for appointments when she can manage to get a ride, albeit an inconvenient one).

      I’m planning on moving, too. I’ll give her plenty of notice. She’ll have to hire someone to stay with her full time or move into senior assisted living, her choice. We all make choices in this life. She chose to be aloof, nasty, unfriendly, and judgemental, so she has very few friends and literally no one to rely on, and her continued attitude that she is always right and everyone else is wrong isn’t helping. I cannot find help for her. If you find another job, you are well within your rights to tell her that you’re leaving, taking a new job, and here are your options.

      I am so sorry this is happening. Stay in therapy and do what you need to do for you.

    6. Ann O.*

      When my grandma was in mental decline due to Alzheimer’s, my mother and aunt were somehow able to just move her into assisted living against her will. She was LIVID at first because she wanted to die in her house, but then she adjusted. Although I know assisted living homes are of mixed quality, I do believe my grandma’s final years were lengthier and better because my mother and aunt forced that decision. The house she wanted to die in had three levels, and my grandma was physically unable to navigate it in addition to the Alzheimer’s.

      So I don’t know how they did it, but I would suggest finding a family lawyer who specializes in elder care and seeing what your options are. Given what you describe, your mother is going to need more specialized care than you can provide soon anyway (if she doesn’t already!).

      The other option is hiring a home health care aide to be a paid caretaker for your mother. I have no idea if that would be financially feasible, but since she has diagnosed schizophrenia, there may be assistance available to you.

    7. MatKnifeNinja*

      Assuming this is schizophrenia, and not secondary issues due to alcoholism, or a physical health issue, it might be worth contacting community mental health, or the group in your mom’s area that deals with senior citizens/age. Contacting NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) might be helpful too.

      If mom can feed/wash/toilet herself, and can tell the difference between an apple and an orange, there may not be much you can do. The mentally ill have the right to tank their lives like anyone else.

      My friend fought for years to get his father into some sort of care place due to father’s Schizoaffective Disorder. It wasn’t until his dad’s diabetes was roaring out of control which lead to a foot being amputated, and threatening to blow up his apartment, was my friend able to obtain guardianship. But even in the nursing home dad can refuse do to self care and take his psychiatric drugs.

      The sad thing is, as long as you scaffold mom at the home, no one is going to do much, because you are helping.

      My suggestion is getting mom a physical so you know it isn’t dementia. That’s a different beast. If she’s cleared, start looking for mental health support for mom.

      Thing is, mom has to be on board accepting help. If she doesn’t want to do self care, only eat Top Ramen and watch TV all day, not much you can do.

  32. Lena Carabina*

    Those with Pinterest accounts – what do you use it for?
    I have a mood board which I use like a ‘fantasy future’ type of thing, plus I download very brightly coloured nature pictures and pictures of animals I like but I’m just wondering if there are other uses for it.
    If you don’t mind sharing, perhaps you could post a link?

    3. Filosofickle*

      I have almost given up finding a way to use it! I used to be a visual designer and a lot of my interests revolve around design, architecture, and art so it seemed like a good place to play. More professional inspiration than personal, though. Where I thought it would work is like a visual filing cabinet — stuff I would normally save to my desktop or lists and then forget about. Things like visualizations, books, design etc. Turns out I forget about them on Pinterest, too! Probably the best board use I found is a private board where I visualize the life of my “inner mentor”. I also tried using it as a Christmas list last year for my boyfriend and family. I’d post a link except it has my full name & location so that seems like a bad idea ;)

      Non-work boards include:
      Making — home projects & craft ideas
      Spaces & places — cool architecture and travel ideas
      Bookshelf — books to read
      Bored Board — local things to do and places to go
      Whimsy — adorable stuff I can’t justify buying but i want to be able to have it somewhere

    4. HBJ*

      My two big things are recipes and sewing. I have boards for all the recipes I think I might try. If we like them, and it becomes something I will make more than once, I print them out and put in my recipe binder. Sewing – mostly to keep track of patterns. I pin any patterns that I like. I also have a board for techniques and alteration stuff.

      Besides that, I have boards for inspiration for a future home, decor, makeup, fashion. That sort of thing. It really is like a pin board.

    5. cat socks*

      When I’m shopping online, I’ll create a board for things I’m interested in buying. I was recently looking for a pair of boots and pinned all the ones that looked good. Then I went back and narrowed down my selection from there.

    6. lifesempossible*

      I use it for just about everything. My TOP uses are:
      Recipes!!
      Workout ideas and yoga poses
      DIY ideas
      Crafts, gardening, home decor ideas
      Funny memes

      My Pinterest name is Lifesempossible if you want to see it!

      I have definitely gone through phases. Like other social media, there are some real comparisons that can evolve from seeing all the ideas and feeling inadequate. I’m finally at the point where those things don’t bother me and I stick to what I need it for. I want to throw a plug in, too, and say that some people critique the site as just a bunch of “to-dos” that never get done, but I have done well over 100 different ideas and/or recipes and all the successful ones I save to my “done” board. I learned to cook through these bloggers more than anyone else. I have developed my personal interior design style through seeing what options exist out there. It’s a great tool.
      If it’s too overwhelming to scroll through, the search bar is awesome. The site has algorithms, of course, so the more you pin, the more similar content it sends.

      1. Mimosa Jones*

        I have a Tried and Love board for recipes that serves the same purpose. I like the idea of using a board as a record of what I’ve done.

    7. Overeducated*

      I have started using it to search for recipe ideas by ingredient combination, since I find the way Google has changed its recipe search and the decline of food blogs to be hard to navigate. (I think Instagram may be where the action is but I’m resisting downloading a Facebook owned app.)

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I Insta without the app – it functions well in browser. You do have to give up a certain amount of information to register, but it can’t mine your phone in the background.

    8. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Ooh, I have a bunch of boards! Here’s what springs to mind:

      First there’s the crafting ones. I crochet, so that’s lots of crochet ideas. I keep things on separate boards or sub boards because it improves the suggestions if you are more specific. So amigurumi separate from baby gifts separate from Afghan squares, etc.

      Halloween! Again, sub boards for decorations, costumes, food, games, etc.

      Christmas – some sub boards are private if they’re for gift ideas.

      Memes and inspiring content that I can go back to when I want to be cheered up. Marvel headcanon is often suggested!

      Children’s party ideas – food, themes, etc. We go all out for children’s parties, including school parties, and there are some great suggestions out there.

      Food, including recipes for eg low sugar or allergen-free, but also party food and cakes. Meal plan suggestions by season. That kind of thing.

      The Retreat – upthread someone asked about ideal home features. I pin dream house stuff because it feels good to dream. Hammock by a stream? Why not. Three-storey library? Count me in.

      Writing: this is mostly functional resources such as adjective/adverb lists, names by theme, historical accuracy things like the parts of old buildings or clothing or weapons, but also writing prompts and motivational posters. Again, subdivided.

      I keep one megaboard for duplicated pins of stuff I’ve actually tried, so I can find them again more easily. That’s a holy mess and the algorithm hates it!

    9. MinotJ*

      My partner and I used it when we were remodeling a kitchen and bath. It really helped us figure out what we wanted.

    10. Lena Carabina*

      Oh thank you so much for the wonderful answers, you’ve give me so many ideas.
      I really like the ‘these are things I’ve done’ board.

      Aurora- I’ve checked yours out, I could get lost in that for hours!

    11. Goldfinch*

      I made one to collect haircut ideas for my mom. She wanted to come up with a pic for her hairdresser, but she and my dad are anti-technology to the point that they’re struggling to function in modern society.

    12. Amethystmoon*

      I use mine to collect recipes. Can’t post it because it has my real name on it, but I have found it’s handy to keep all those recipes you find when you are googling for them. I have them sorted into boards like a cookbook.

    4. SAHM*

      Thanks!!! Right now he’s curled up sound asleep next to my 7 yr old, who insisted on sleeping with his puppy so they’re both on a sleeping bag on the floor. We’ll see how it goes. (There’s a tarp underneath them and I have a back up crate in case this doesn’t work).

      1. bibliovore*

        when I got my first dog, a puppy at age 37, I read everything, and I mean everything about dogs. Settled on Mother Knows Best and crate training. Slept the first week on the floor, next to the crate with my fingers through the grate.

    5. SAHM*

      Thanks everyone! This morning was a doozy! Puppy woke up at 5:45, my boys and I trooped downstairs to take him out and then played a bit with him, when my daughter wandered down and I was going to make a cup of coffee when I realized that 6am was really 5am, so I sent everyone back upstairs to bed, which lasted for about an hour of just everyone giggling and talking in their beds. It also woke up the baby, who daughter climbed into the crib with and more giggling and shrieking ensued. Honestly it’s been a pretty awesome morning and I’m so glad that it’s the time change this week so we have an extra hour to play with puppy every morning before school.

  34. Kendra*

    I’m not really on social media anymore, but when I do go on it, I just can’t stand seeing couples together that I know won’t last. This is obviously my problem, and I know that, so I don’t go on social media anyway. It just feels like looking at a burning building and I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I guess it’s just painful to see people lying to themselves.

    1. fposte*

      Are they necessarily lying to themselves, though? They can be happy and enjoy each other and have the relationship be worthwhile even if it doesn’t last.

      1. LQ*

        I agree with this a lot. Not all amazing relationships are forever. Sometimes it’s a fun fling. Sometimes it was a great 20 years and the last 2 were hard and it ends. Sometimes it’s a couple dramatic years for people who delight in dramatic. But all of those can be entirely worthwhile for folks.

        That said, I’m all for a good long, long, long social media break.

    3. Clever Name*

      Ha. Just so you know, you’re not the only one who looks at couples like this. I think the reason I did and still do this is because I was unhappy in my own marriage (I am now divorced). I’ll scrutinize peoples eyes and decide that one or both must be unhappy somehow. It’s pretty silly. I remember one couple who I happened to know were having problems. Well, they had a family portrait session done, and it was honestly uncomfortable for me to look at. I never wanted to pay for professional photos when I was married because I didn’t want nice photos of me looking unhappy. I know now that I was in denial. But that’s not necessarily the case for everyone.

    4. ThatGirl*

      I don’t know what you’re seeing, but remember that social media is only a snapshot of a life, not a complete one. You don’t know what the inside of someone’s relationship is like.

      When my husband and I got together, one of my best friends was baffled. She didn’t get it and didn’t know what had drawn us together. We’ve been married 12 years now and we’re very happy.

      I also agree with fposte that relationships don’t have to last forever to be worth having.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I’m pretty sure most people don’t understand my relationship, including my family. That makes me sad. He’s not what most would have expected (including me) but he’s so good for me. But because he’s so quiet around everyone else they are unlikely to ever truly know him, so it’s just something I have to accept.

    5. Anon Here*

      There is something really nightmarish about social media, Facebook in particular. Ordinary things can seem creepy through that lens. I’m on hiatus from it.

      Separately, I kind of know what you mean about relationships. I’ve been happily single for a while. There’s a lot about relationships that I don’t miss. From that perspective, I privately speculate about other people’s relationships and how long I think they’ll last.

      For example, when people post tons of social media content about how much they love each other, it’s usually a bad sign. I mean those couples who post a picture of themselves every day, or multiple times a day, with captions like, “I love this person so much!” If your relationship needs to be a constant digital spactacle for everyone you know, what else is going on there?

      And there’s the scary stuff! The people who seem to be in abusive relationships, but it’s not definite enough to say anything, and you don’t know them well enough anyway.

      There is so much to be said for ditching social media and just living offline! The people you meet in person are so much nicer, and it’s easier to talk about stuff too.

      1. Filosofickle*

        My kneejerk reaction towards the “I love my partner and our life!!!” stuff is similar to yours. But through the love language lens, it’s possible they are people who thrive on “words of affirmation”. I’m definitely that with my partner and talking to others about our relationship, but hold back on social media because he’d hate it.

        1. Jenny*

          My dirty lens is that most people I know who constantly went on about their relationship on social media ended up divorced. Part of me wonders if they were trying to convince themselves.

        2. Anon Here*

          I get that. But the couples who are ALWAYS on social media sharing mushy pictures of themselves together . . . What are they actually doing, spending their days staring at their phones and replying to people’s comments on their romance pictures? Planning photo shoots? “We should go to the aquarium and pose by the sharks so people will say it’s cute.” There’s nothing wrong with that, but it seems unhealthy to have feedback from strangers be that central to a relationship. And I always wonder if one of them is into it and the other feels pressured into going along, and what will happen when they can’t get online and they have to just talk to each other. Like if their car broke down in a place without cell phone reception. I guess it seems avoidant. And kind of like a trap because it would be harder to break up once your relationship was that much of a spectacle.

          But you’re right – it could be fine. I’m over-thinking it. Making guesses about other people’s lives as a pastime.

          1. Filosofickle*

            Oh, I’m over-thinking it too, just with a different guess about what their lives might be like ;)

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I found a quote, “every relationship ends in sadness”.

      This person probably went to the School of Eyeore.

      Just going in an odd opposite direction: You can counter balance this feeling of futility by deliberately appreciating something (anything, does not matter what) in this current moment. The problem with forecasting the future is that we ALSO lose the present. This is because in of worry about future sadness we are not concentrating on what is going on right now.

      Someone will help me here with title and singer. There is a song: “I could have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance.”
      And how many times can we say this about lost partners, lost pets, lost jobs, etc. I could skip that heart break NO problem. But I also would lose the laughter, the good times and the warmth.

      I will offer this suggestion. Different things can irritate the crap out of us from time to time. It does pass. What I hate about saying this is that it seems to minimize the irritation. But there is relief in knowing that things could look differently in the future. Patience. We have to be patient with our own processes. As you are doing, keep avoiding social media. Give your self time away to incubate life and all its ups and downs. Incubation time is time spent NOT thinking about the irritating thing. We do still percolate on matters subconsciously. And look around at what is happening right now that you CAN do and CAN work on. Yes, this could be misplaced frustration, it could be a crutch for avoiding something right in front of us, it can be a lot of things. Shift it to the back burner as you have been and wait for a different day.

      Simple acceptance. “This is me today. This is where I am at today. I accept this.”

      1. Katherine Vigneras*

        The song you are thinking of is Garth Brooks’ “The Dance” — a favorite of mine.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Thank you! I am a big fan of listening to lyrics. So what happens is I fail to get the name and the singer because of just focusing on the lyrics. I am always amazed by what I find in songs.

  35. Cat Mom*

    I need some cat behavior advice!

    A couple of years ago we adopted Timid Girl, a 4-year-old rescue who had been surrendered by a family. She took a very long time to get comfortable in our house and who still spends 75% of her time in her one preferred room. She’s very skittish still, though very treat motivated.

    This April we adopted Rowdy Boy, a 4-year-old rescue who is missing a front paw (apparently since birth). He had been found on the street, was intact (and then neutered), and incredibly friendly. From the day we brought him home he acted like he’d always lived here. He seems more like a young dog than a cat, full of energy and very comic. We had assumed that the missing paw would slow him down but nope! He runs, leaps, chases, etc. with no problem. He’s 2 lbs heavier than Timid Girl and is all muscle when you pick him up.

    We introduced them slowly, feeding them treat (wet) food on either side of a closed door, then open door with a covered baby gate, etc. working up to them eating with no gate. Timid Girl was timid but could be convinced to eat, Rowdy Boy gobbled down his food. Eventually that worked into us playing with Rowdy Boy in the same room as Timid Girl while she looked on from under a table. But that’s as far as we got.

    Every time we let them into the same room, Rowdy Boy stalks and pounces on Timid Girl. He’s relentless. She does a lot of growling, hissing, etc. and does fight back although she’s never the aggressor. So we’ve generally stuck with keeping them apart, one getting the run of the house by day, the other by night. This is not how we want to live!

    We tried Feliway on the advice of the vet with no discernible results. I’ve been considering a cat antidepressant for Timid Girl because her level of timidity is pretty significant—she will wince when you pet her, for example. The vet thought maybe if Timid Girl was a little more confident that might help.

    We don’t expect them to be buddies but we’d like to have them both free roaming. I’ve watched My Cat from Hell episodes, talked to the vet, read other advice online. I’d love more resources, or advice on our big question—should we just let them figure it out for themselves or are we risking worse relations and possibly injuries?

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      I think that sounds so difficult!
      Have you tried lots of walks – like near each other but not close enough for him to pounce?
      And is there any neutral territory (not in your house) where she feels safe and they can interact under supervision so he gets corrected?

      I have a reactive dog and he is a lot of work but is my best boy and love and I know how much effort you are putting in for her! Thanks for doing that.

      1. Cat Mom*

        Thanks for the sympathy! Can you tell me more what you mean about walks? Like on a leash? And they’re indoor cats, so they don’t have any neutral territory outside our house. In fact, it’s probably not great but all their supervised interactions are in Timid Girl’s favorite room because it’s the only place she’s really comfortable.

        1. Thankful for AAM*

          Well, I misread the whole thing and thought dogs! lol. Sorry, I’m useless!
          But will they walk on a harness? Basically, any way to have them near each other but under your control so she can gain a little confidence?

          Good luck!

          1. Cat Mom*

            Haha I tried putting Rowdy Boy in a harness and he just plopped down helplessly waiting for it to go away.

            1. WS*

              This is what they do the first few times! Keep going – just have the harness on him and supervise him, don’t try to lead him. Eventually most cats will get used to the idea and will have great walks on lead. It might really help when you want to have the cats in the same room, as well.

            2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

              Well, at least he can’t bug Timid Girl when he is plopped. Easy way to control him actually. But he will get used to it.

    2. fposte*

      It sounds like Rowdy Boy is a cat that requires a lot of stimulation and activity. I bet that the Way of Cats advisor (she’s got a great blog, though I think it’s mostly subscription now since her book came out) would suggest getting a third cat with enough resilience and energy to engage with Rowdy Boy. Is that a possibility at all?

      1. Lucky black cat*

        I must say I don’t understand why people always suggest getting more cats when the existing ones aren’t getting along. It might just mean more problems. Timid cat is going to be even more stressed by another newcomer.

        I think you need to change the environment, not put your cat on pills. And maybe it’s not possible for both cats to live together, and the kindest thing to do would be to rehome one. Sorry. But cats are territorial and aren’t always going to react well to you getting another one – this two do not sound like a good match. Sorry.

        1. Cat Mom*

          Lucky black cat, you could be right. It’s only been since April though, so I haven’t given up hope on getting them to coexist.

          1. Lucky black cat*

            I hasten to add I don’t mean to sound unkind – It’s not like you’d rehome one of your kids if they didn’t get along. But it’s worth considering among your options.

            1. Cat Mom*

              I didn’t think you sounded unkind. It has occurred to me that perhaps when our older son is ready and able to move into his own place that Timid Girl could go with him–they get along well together.

        2. Lucette Kensack*

          Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too. It seems like any cat who earns the internet nickname Rowdy Boy was never destined to be a good fit with Timid Girl.

          1. EddieSherbert*

            Agreed. If you are adamant about a second cat, you really need to find a cat that is going to be a good fit for Timid Cat. Honestly… I run a small foster-based rescue and I never would have adopted Rowdy Boy to you based on your description of Timid Girl :/

            I’d recommend going through a foster-based group if you really want a second cat simply because they get to the cats’ personalities really well.

            If you adamantly want to keep both, I recommend fostering a cat with a higher activity level and seeing if a friend for Rowdy Boy helps the situation (or if it turns into ganging up on Timid Girl).

      2. Cat Mom*

        Ah, fposte, you’re killing me! (I need an crying/laughing emoji here)

        Our vet actually did suggest another cat as a potential energy diffuser. My 12-year-old is lobbying hard. I can imagine that Rowdy Boy could really use a rough-and-tumble playmate. But we have a 1300-sq ft house, two kids (the other a young adult with autism who needs extra support), and two parents working long hours. I don’t know if I can add any other responsibilities. And I just imagine the unintended consequences if it doesn’t go well…you know, five cats, three dogs and a fish later and I’m writing in about the stress on the fish. I ended up with three ducks that way once, no kidding.

        I will definitely check out the Way of Cats advisor, thank you! And thanks for responding, you are one of my favorite AAM posters. :)

        1. fposte*

          There’s a reason I didn’t take ownership of the recommendation myself :-). But I love Way of Cats lady and I think she’s got a point if you can manage it.

      3. cat socks*

        I agree about him needing stimulation and activity. Does he get enough playtime to expend energy? I’ve seen recommended at least one 15 minute play session per day, but maybe he could use more. Wand toys like Da Bird are great for that.

        Another option to keep him engaged is to look for “videos for cats” on YouTube. Paul Dinning has videos of birds and other animals that might keep him engaged if you’re not able to actively play with him. Sometimes my cats will go crazy while I’m in the middle of cooking dinner and I’ll play something on my old tablet. A couple of the cats are interested.

        My newest rescue likes to engage with the other cats when they’re not always in the mood, I will pull out a toy to distract him and then he will pounce/play with the toy instead of the other cat.

        Pam Johnson-Bennett is a cat behaviorist with some books and a website. And there’s also Jackson Galaxy. So you might find some other suggestions there. I know it can be challenging dealing with cat interactions. Best of luck!

        1. EddieSherbert*

          You can also try puzzle feeders (check out the bran Catit), leash-training for trips in the yard, getting a catio, or clicker-training Rowdy Boy (check out Instagram account cat.school) to burn off his energy and stop him from ‘inventing’ his own game of attack Timid Girl.

    3. Grace*

      I know you said that there’s no option for neutral territory outside the house – and the garden wouldn’t be neutral if they regularly went outside anyway, cats are very good at marking gardens – but you can still create a neutral territory for them.

      A couple of decades ago, there was something similar when my parents introduced a new cat to their existing one. The vet recommended enforced neutral territory – send them both to a cattery and have them stay in the same enclosure for a few days to a week. They’ll both be sussing out the new territory, it will smell unfamiliar for both of them, it’ll probably unsettle them, and it’ll reset their relationship. It seemed to work – they lived out the next fifteen years very happily. Never grooming each other or anything, but they would occasionally play with one another or take turns with the same toy, sleep on the same bed, cuddle the same human – reasonably happy co-existence.

    4. Ginger Sheep*

      We had a similar situation at my parents when I was a teenager : very timid girl cat, indoor only, used to be the only cat of the house, introduced to a boisterous and playful young male. He kept pouncing on her and harassing her to play – which she very much did not want. There were a few epic fights – she actually tore off part of his ear. The situation resolved itself almost instantly when boy cat was allowed outside. (I know indoor/outdoor cats are frowned upon in the US, but the situations are similar enough that I wanted to share my experience nonetheless.)

    5. Andream*

      Look up Jackson Galaxy. He is a cat behaviorist and has a lot of resources. He has a show on animal planet called my cat from hell.

  36. Laura H.*

    Writing thread?

    I updated a fanfic last night and at least for the moment can now shift fic focus to the coauthored one.

    Good luck to those doing nanowrimo (also mad props to y’all too!)

    1. Alice*

      Mad jealous of everyone who has time for NaNo, I haven’t been able to do it ever since I started a full time job. Best of luck for your writing :)

    2. AnnaSomething*

      I started writing a new fic last winter then abandoned it because I was stuck…but recently I had an idea and went back to finish my draft. I’m pretty happy about saving it. Now I can start posting and get that sweet validation. ;)

      No NaNo for me anymore, but I had several fun years doing it way back then.

    3. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I’m currently mostly doing fanfic too, need something to break up the reading of all this background lit.
      Good luck to the NaNoWriMo peeps!

    4. Liane*

      Made progress on the game blog articles, only 4 to do through first week of January! One of my friends was able to clarify a game mechanic for me, which turned out to be the cause of writer’s block on a 2 parter. The remaining ones are going to be character stats which are easy for me.

    5. Troutwaxer*

      I’m hoping to finish my “Orcish Comedy of Manners” during November. I suppose that qualifies for Nano something.

  37. Bibliovore*

    Cleaning out the closets! Getting rid of what I don’t wear! Rewatching Jack Ryan to catch up for season two. Anyone else taking off the weekend and doing me stuff?

    2. NeverNicky*

      Absolutely. The weather here is fairly yucky so after the rugby we went for brunch, to the library and have basically hibernated with books and craft stuff since we got home.

      I cleared out clothes earlier this week … but did buy a couple of dresses in a sale so!

    4. WellRed*

      Just picked up library books and the latest people mag ( been following the Lori Loughlin/felicity huff drama) and plan to sign up for HBO trial was to watch second season of big little lies.

    5. Jenny*

      I need to clean my closets. Despite being back to my pre-baby weight, my shape is simply different now. I also went up half a shoe size.

  38. Rebecca*

    Wow, what a beautiful day here! But cold…it was almost 70 on Thursday, and now today’s high will be about 49! We had heavy rain and high winds Thursday night, neighboring township lost an old 1 lane bridge, lots of trees and limbs down, too. I need to go on tree branch pickup and leaf patrol today! One of our maple trees lost a pretty good sized limb, going to try to move it but I may need help. My neighbor said she’d help, we both have big iron pry bars, so if we have to, we’ll just leverage the thing out of the way and down over the bank into the woods. It will provide habitat, a fungus platform, etc.

    OOO and game cam update! I have a raccoon family, and they appear to be well fed :) big rolly polly critters with their adorable mask faces. I also spotted an opossum, black bears (plural, more than one in the photo at a time), squirrels, deer, a fox, but no coyotes this week. One of the bears sat on his rump and looked right at the camera, like Oh Look At Me!! I rigged up an electric power source and it’s working well, so I got over 1900 photos from Sunday to last evening. I really hope to get a photo of a pileated woodpecker, as I have the camera pointed to an old elm stump, and they love to pick at it to get grubs.

    So, good things this week – my car passed inspection with no major things needed, so I have a fresh inspection and oil change, and I’m good to go. We didn’t sustain any damage during the wind storm (except tree limbs down), we had a freeze again, so FINGERS CROSSED no more mowing! Had a great hike last Sunday with my neighbor, she and I found a trail we missed before, found a new vista, big outcrops of rocks, a cool fungus that looks like tree leaves of all things (going to get a closeup photo of it next time), and since we were on a ridge top approx 1750′ above sea level, what appears to be remains of trees that had been struck by lightning – the entire inside was charred but the outsides were intact – it was so odd. Can’t wait to go back up there.

    I’m waiting impatiently for my candles from Bath and Body Works, they should have been here by now, I thought…but I check, and it’s saying Monday Nov 11! Ugh. I want them now! I have 2 candles left so I guess I’ll have to be patient. I’m not looking forward to “falling back” to standard time tonight. I wish we could just leave the time like it is now, with light late into the evening in the summer. I know “but the school children” but the reality is, buses pick them up at every house here, at least, and if they are walking in town, there are street lights. I’d rather not have it be dark right after work, it makes me feel like I live in a cave :(

    And minor Mom update – she’s been ranting about “wanting out of this place” and “I want to go somewhere else”, etc. etc. BUT she can’t open a box, open canned goods, open a jar, carry things, bathe alone, and with the whole carrying thing, do laundry, and the therapy and exercises are not making her hand and wrist work any better. She wants to drive, I am very skeptical, so I told her I’d get the car out this afternoon while I’m doing leaf patrol and she can see if she can put the key in, start it, shift, etc. I’m doubtful. Thankfully we live in a rural area, so if she does take off, there are 25, 35, and max 45 MPH speed limits where she would go, and light traffic. Ugh, this honestly scares me. I’ll see what she does in the driveway today. Wish me luck with this.

    No college football for me today, so it does give me time to get things done. Onward!!

      1. Auntie Social*

        I think there are steroid-infused tapes that you can use on your hands and wrists. They don’t smell and you can use them just on the achy areas. The next time you have her at the doctor’s you might ask about that—she might be a candidate. Congrats on all the great animal photos!

    2. Lizabeth*

      Start leaving brochures of assisted places for her to move to around…don’t say anything about them until she does. This is like “you can bring a horse to water but can’t make it drink” until it’s ready to. It sounds like your Mom may take some time to finally wrap her brain around going to assisted living.

      And please have her Dr. take her car keys away.

    3. Filosofickle*

      I’m so with you on losing Daylight Saving Time. I joke I’m “solar powered” so this time of year bums me out.

      I totally understand how early light helps out morning people, and getting up and out in darkness DOES suck. However, I’m not a morning person so for my rhythm I want evening light all the way! Coming home in darkness is a lot more soul-sucking for me. It really kills my productivity — I don’t run errands after work, I cook less, I don’t go out. My world gets so much smaller when it’s dark early.

      When I lived in Chicago I had the great pleasure of going to work AND coming home in the dark. That was the worst.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      wonderful update… the game cam sounds great fun. I’m pleased you are holding and keeping boundaries with mom (I saw your post above, as well, in response to another). You remain a wonderful example of perseverance and growth. Sending hug.

    5. Observer*

      It’s not just kids who benefit by having some light in the morning… Personally, I just wish we stayed on this schedule and didn’t change twice a year.

      I agree with the idea to leave brochures around, if it’s at all practical.

  39. StudentA*

    Those of you who have tried Topamax. What’s been your experience? My migraines have improved but I still have to take OTC stuff a couple of times a week. I’m really glad I went to the neurologist about my migraines. And I’m glad she put me on this medication. And I guess a reduction in migraines is better than nothing.

    I feel fortunate I found some kind of a solution, as I know many people can’t tolerate this drug.

    I need to lose something like 60-80 pounds and I’ve lost no weight on this drug. Oh well. It’s a side effect. Nothing guaranteed.

    I’m suffering from a head right now. But I also have a host of health issues so it should be no surprise I get a headache on top of all my other aches and pains…and no medication is going to be a magic pill.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      My fiance takes the generic topomax for his migraines. He has been on it for about a year, but his dr has weaned him down to just one pill a day (cut in half).

      It has helped him a lot! He still feels migraines starting, but he can take a tylenol now and mostly knock them. When he does get a migraine, it is less severe. But he has had a lot of kidney stones, and weirdly couldn’t taste carbonation when he was on the full dose. It did mostly kick his soda habit though, so I think that caused the weight loss more than anything else.

      Hope it works out for you!

    2. Hazelnut Coffee*

      I have taken Topamax for about 7 years. Not while I was pregnant or breastfeeding. I did not take it for migraines but other reasons. I never experienced weight loss until I was taking at least 125mg a day. And it only lasted for a couple months before my body regulated unless they increased my dosage.

      1. StudentA*

        I desperately need to lose weight. Would you recommend it for that purpose? I haven’t been back to my neurologist and I’m not sure she has a whole lot to say about that. But I guess I could ask for an increase in dose.

        1. Kuododi*

          I have lost track of how long I was on Topamax. (Chronic migraine). I maxed out at 200mgs/day. My endocrinologist told me the med is sometimes helpful with weight loss. If I lost weight however, it was a negligible amount. In all candor, please consult your primary MD/DO for advice and referrals for weight loss concerns. They can connect pts with diatitions The people here are bright and friendly. I don’t know which ones on AAM are healthcare providers. I do feel safe to bet a nickel none of them would pass out this medical info with out the needed health consultations. (Same logic behind why I never give mental health diagnosis over the internet.).

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      It was the first drug I was prescribed for my bipolar disorder, and I HATED it. They started me on a low dose (25 mg maybe? It’s been a decade) and I was sleeping 12-14 hours a day, minimum. I always felt tired. I was in a martial arts tournament, in full sparring gear, waiting for my match to start and I fell asleep on the floor of the noisy and brightly lit gymnasium. That’s how tired it made me.

      My psychiatrist said the tiredness would go away over time/with higher dosages but I was in college and didn’t have time to try a higher dose and hope that she was right.

      I suspect my experience was atypical, so if it’s working for you then keep doing what works.

    4. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I started taking 100 mg of topamax (had to do a step up dose) almost three months ago, and I went from daily, constant migraines to very mild headaches that are treatable with prescription strength aleve and compazine.

      My migraines went from an 8-9 on the pain scale to maybe a 1-2 on the pain scale if I have them at all. I do seem to be losing some weight but as not much as I’d like. Any is better than none, I suppose. :)

      Thankfully, where I live there is a headache specialist that does wonders and have had better luck with her office than with the neurologist with my migraines.

    5. Gatomon*

      My experience was terrible. I only took one dose, but I spent all night staring at the ceiling and all day I was just… gone. Could barely remember my own name or how to operate a phone. Luckily it was quiet or I probably would’ve been sent home from work. Drugs tend to hit me very hard though.

    7. Fikly*

      I’m on it. 50mg at bedtime.

      So first of all, I have super weird migraines, they’re vestibular. So I get most of the weird migraine things but almost never a headache.

      Without topamax, I was getting them almost daily. With topamax, 1-2 a month. So I’m thrilled. Side effect wise, my main issue is word finding difficulties. Which, you know, it’s a medication that works on your brain, so not unexpected. I’m lucky in that I’m a massive reader, so my vocabulary is large enough that I can usually find a substitute, though my favorite is still anti-wrinkle pokey thing when I was trying to say botox injections for TMJ.

      For me, the trade off of word finding problems for vastly fewer migraines is worth it. But it’s definitely trial and error, as for all medications. If this is the first migraine medication you’ve tried, I might try others. You can always go back to this if you don’t find something better.

    8. Texan In Exile*

      I am not trying to be snarky at all with this comment, but for me, the reason I lost weight with Topamax is that it totally killed my appetite.

      One afternoon, as I was climbing the stairs, I got dizzy. I realized all I had eaten that day was a few sticks of asparagus. And it made the food I did eat taste really weird. I couldn’t drink diet Coke at all – it tasted awful.

      But I woke up every morning with double vision and it didn’t stop my headaches.

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        This is pretty similar to my experience. I’d eat some crackers and that’s all I’d have a day because I wasn’t hungry. Do I recommend? Not unless this is your hail Mary option.

      2. Chip Hackman*

        The reason most of the drugs prescribed for weight loss works is because it kills your appetite, so you just eat less. Its the same thing with vyvanse or other stimulants, you just don’t get as hungry so you end up burning more calories than you eat, and viola, weight loss. There are some drugs that can lessen impulses to eat, some of the same they use for alcoholics, but it all comes down to the fact that the result of these drugs is that you eat less. Sometimes the appetite suppression can be intense, I took Vyvanse in college for focusing issues, but there were days where I would only want to eat Cheetos and Skittles until it wore off in the evening so I lost a lot of weight. Of course it was a lot of muscle lost because I wasn’t taking in as much protein as I should have been to minimize muscle loss, but it did work super well for that.

  40. Yiminy*

    I’ve been doing intermittent fasting and have lost 25 pounds so far. I had a blood test last week, and my cholesterol has gone up 20 points! My doctor isn’t too concerned yet, but I am. Has anyone else experienced this? Will it go back down?

    1. Enough*

      For cholesterol while the total has meaning what is more important is the components. How are the LDL, HDL and triglycerides? And the ration of total cholesterol to HDL? If the triglycerides are low and the ratio is good I wouldn’t worry.

    2. Alex*

      The same thing happened to my friend when she tried intermittent fasting. Not sure there is a link, but there’s another piece of anecdotal evidence for you.

    3. NewReadingGlasses*

      I once had a test after not eating for around 36 hours, and my numbers were through the roof ( I was on an international flight, long story). A follow up test about a month later had me back to the normal range. So here’s another data point.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      How’s your water intake doing? Aim for the same or similar amount each day. Regular hydration helps organ function which in turn helps the body regulate itself.

      Happily, regular hydration does a whole bunch of things- it can help with bowels, mood, pain levels and so on. Just a good thing to keep in mind anyway.

      It took me about 15 years or so to lose 7 sizes. During that time, my numbers went up and down and up and down. It happens. Because you are working on things and probably making changes on your own your doc is pretty smart to just let your body process things without outside intervention.

    5. nonegiven*

      My cholesterol went from about 135 to 175 when I tested a high fat diet, but most of that was my HDL going from 45 to 95, so really good.

  41. Lucky black cat*

    Last time I moved house, I wished I had ___ household thing to hand in the first day or two.

    What’s your answer to the above? We are moving two adults and one cat between rentals, are unlikely to unpack until day 3 (day 1 moving, day 2 cleaning the old place) and would like to have essentials to hand so I’d love to hear your tips.

    I feel sorted for personal things (clothes, medication etc) as it’s like packing for a trip, so I’m thinking more in terms of loo roll, tea bags, etc! Thank you!

    2. Overeducated*

      Glad you thought of tea bags – coffee making supplies are a must in my book, or allowing yourself the cost of buying a cup a day to stay caffeinated.

      Also: chargers, a couple of beach or folding chairs and a card table if you have one, and very basic cleaning supplies from the old place like garbage bags, paper towels or wipes, and a bottle of cleaning solution in case any messes pop up in new place as you unpack.

    3. Jules the First*

      Loo roll. Hand towel. Kettle. Teabags and mugs. At least one spoon per human. Hand lotion. Scissors. Measuring tape. Cleaning supplies (because unpacking generates a lot of garbage and the place you move into always has one corner someone forgot to clean). Phone charger.

    4. Lucky black cat*

      Thanks for all of these!

      We are at least moving within the same area so don’t have a massive journey to do!

    5. Filosofickle*

      Paper towels, toilet paper, dish soap (doubles as every kind of soap), paper plates / cups (or real if you don’t want to waste), an extension cord, coffee/tea, grab-and-go snacks, bath towels, tool bag. Sometimes some lamps/lighting are necessary if that’s not readily built in. Think about the first couple of evenings — you’re in an empty/boxed place, do you have what you need to feel at home after a tiring day? Are there any devices or comforts that will make you feel good?

    6. Texan In Exile*

      Toilet paper (also, leave a roll behind when you move out)
      Paper towels/rags
      Shower curtain
      Shower rod (yes, I moved into not one but two houses where the previous owner took the shower rod when he moved out)
      Bath towels
      Soap
      Trash bags
      Light bulbs
      Water bottles to refill
      Snacks
      Transistor radio

        2. only acting normal*

          My family once moved into a house where they’d taken all the carpets & curtains (because my father refused to pay extra for them), but also all the curtain tracks, and all the lightbulbs (because they were incredibly cheap presumably). They left an ugly cut glass decanter behind on a high shelf though.

        3. Elenna*

          Eh, my sister and I considered taking the shower rod and curtain last time we moved, but that’s because we were the ones who bought them in the first place… (we ended up leaving them there mostly out of laziness/lack of time).

    7. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Screwdrivers and Allen keys, batteries in normal sizes.

      Birthday cards, envelopes, stamps.

      Cheese knife, corkscrew, bottle opener, tin opener.

      Toilet paper, hand soap, hand cream, dish soap, kitchen roll, tea towels.

      Good luck!

    8. Stephanie*

      We moved recently and I was delighted that the previous owners left some basic cleaning stuff under the kitchen sink (dish soap, a roll of paper towel, Mr. Clean magic sponges, etc.).
      Breakfast stuff and easy snack stuff, plus paper plates, napkins, cups, etc.
      Have a box with unpacking tools, and label it as such–things like box cutters, garbage bags, scissors, even some packing tape. I lost our box cutter in the move and had to dig around for something to cut the packing tape to start to unpack. I ended up using one of my husband’s pocket knives, but I would have much preferred a box cutter.
      You’ll want easy/quick access to hand soap and towels of all kinds and sizes, too. And bedding so you can sleep in your bed the first night.

      1. Lucky black cat*

        “ Have a box with unpacking tools, and label it as such–things like box cutters, garbage bags, scissors, even some packing tape.“

        This is genius

    9. only acting normal*

      Vacuum cleaner, because I can deal with the dust we generate but feel squicked by other people’s.
      Favourite comfort snacks, because moving unsettles me greatly.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Yes!
        I don’t mind buying more paper goods and cleansing agents, because they will get used. But not an extra vacuum, broom, mop, or bucket.
        Also seconding light sources, unless you’re 100% positive there are overhead lights EVERYWHERE, and the previous owner/tenant didn’t take the light bulbs.

    10. German Girl*

      A fresh kitchen towel. I swear we searched forever until we found the box that had them.

      Think about which boxes you’ll need to unpack the day of moving (some dishes & cutlery, any perishable food you’re moving, and one set of bed linens and blankets come to mind) and mark them clearly.

      The time before that went super smooth and the time before that one was most definitely the box with all the cleaning supplies – the previous tenants left a mess and we had to scrub the place before doing anything else.

    11. Alexandra Lynch*

      In that situation, I try to mentally walk through the day and note what it is that I need.
      So I say….”Okay…I get up, go to the bathroom. Toilet paper. Hangers for clothes in the closet. Go downstairs. Turn on computer…mouse and cord. Make tea…electric kettle, tea bags, sugar, spoon, ” and that way I find what I’ll need throughout the day.

    12. Koala dreams*

      I wished I had a lamp! That was the first thing I bought. In my experience from renting apartments, it’s normal for the tenant to have to provide the lamps, the curtail rails, and the shower rod. The lamps are essential, the other things you can fix later. Maybe get a sleeping mask if you have a hard time sleeping when the sun rises (more important in summer, I guess). And I agree with the soap suggestion, I like to have dish soap and bathroom soap.

      After you get there and see what kind of fuses you need, buy a few extra of those too.

      1. Lucky black cat*

        I’m a little confused about why I would need fuses – I’m British and it’s not something I’ve ever needed, so would love an explanation!

        1. Natalie*

          I think they must be talking about the circuit protection in the electrical system? Assuming the internet can be trusted it might be called a consumer unit around you.

          In the US at least electrical code has called for circuit breakers for nearly 70 years, so you don’t come across fuses too often.

    13. NoLongerYoung*

      I packed one microwavable dish for reheating, and a hot pad (in addition to the many good suggestions above). I needed to warm up food from the restaurant, etc… (the place had a microwave built in).
      Notepad/ clipboard or clips for it/pen – you will think of things, want to write them down – and not have anywhere to do so. (We need “x” when we go to the store….)
      Cleaning/rubber/ some kinds of gloves. If you get bothered out by others’ germs, there will be places – inevitably – where there is something (dirty corners, etc) that you have to clean out. (in most places… ).
      Someone mentioned allen wrenches – small tool kit. Basic screw drivers (loose knobs, for example), adjustable wrench, etc.
      And I’m a fan of the razor blade scraper – can be used as a box cutter but also removes adhesive stickers and paint drips from glass, etc.
      Blue Painter’s tape. You can tape notes to the wall (Put TV here), or doors (Master bedroom boxes go in here) and otherwise use it to label things.

    15. Jemima Bond*

      Last time I moved house I wished I had hired movers to do it for me. Because seriously f!!! carrying all that heavy stuff up and down stairs and into a hired van. F!!! it right in the ear.

      As you mention tea bags and loo roll I’m guessing you’re British? So you may already know this but it took me ages to figure out when reading American craft and sewing blogs etc – “painter’s tape” as mentioned in another comment as part of an excellent tip, is masking tape. Trivia for non-brits; here it’s usually a light unbleached colour although I think you can get blue if you really want it.

      1. Lucky black cat*

        I figured as much about the tape but thank you!

        Sorry to hear you had that experience. We can’t afford movers. But no need – have a borrowed van, a strong husband and a group of strong friends who will be doing all the heavy lifting. To be honest I’ve only used movers once and it wasn’t a good experience so I’m happier turning to trusted friends – we all do this for each other.

      2. nonegiven*

        The blue or green painters tape seems to be easier on the taped surfaces than the beige masking tape.

    17. Nervous Nellie*

      A really good kitchen knife & cutting board. After a couple of days eating takeout, it can be really nice to cut up an apple! :) Congrats on the move.

  42. The Other Dawn*

    I’ve finally made an appointment to see my orthopedic doctor about fusion. I go on the 11th. My plan is to ask all my questions so we can make a plan for a springtime surgery: OR time, hospital stay, recovery, PT, limitations, etc. I’ll also get a second opinion. I trust him, but maybe another doctor knows of a different procedure. (Though, I really don’t have much of a disc left so I don’t know if there are many other options at this point.)

    I’d love to do surgery sooner. I don’t really want to survive on Percocet for the next five months (makes me tired and sometimes zombie-like). I also just hate the daily grind and knowing everyday is going to be a grind: waking up feeling like crap (stiff, in pain already most mornings, and sluggish from the Percocet the night before); sitting all day at my desk and taking Percocet to deal with the pain from having to sit so much; then taking Percocet before bed so I can stay out of pain while I fall asleep, and then hopefully stay asleep for about five hours; then waking up to do it all over again. But I’m still new-ish to my job and have a lot coming up that needs to get done before such a major surgery, so I really do need to wait. (Yes, work would survive, but we lost a key person and have a big audit coming up early in the year.) So I’m thinking maybe April. Not cold, not hot yet. I just need to make it through until then. I’ve noticed it starting to affect my workouts, which is what I’d said two years ago was the point at which I’d go for surgery. I can still work out, but when I jog in place I can feel the pinch every time I land on my left foot. Also, my left foot sometimes falls asleep in bed or when I’m at my desk; the sciatic ache is starting to go down into my foot; and I’m now feeling the sciatic ache on the right side, whereas I mostly haven’t until now.

    I didn’t think I had a question, but I actually do: Would switching to another drug, like Vicodin, reset my building tolerance to pain meds? I’ve noticed I’m building a tolerance to the Percocet. It still works, but I definitely need to take more for the same effect. (I’m limited by gastric bypass, though, so when I say “more” that means 3/4 of a pill rather than 1/2, usually three times a day. Any more than that and I’m really lethargic and sometimes nauseous.) It could be, too, that the pain/ache has become more extensive. Tylenol doesn’t cut it. Can’t take NSAIDs. I’ve tried Tramadol, but it makes me very nauseous and doesn’t work. I also don’t feel I need something super strong, like Dilaudid–that would be too much and will be for after surgery only.

    1. fposte*

      I feel like we could just go ahead and add a regular spine thread to the regular running and writing threads :/. I’m sorry that things are still hurting, and I think a fusion is a reasonable thing to consider at this point.

      The cross-tolerance question is a pretty sophisticated pharmaceutical one that’s likely to be beyond the general commentary pay grade, because a lot of looks to depend on the mode of action of the active chemicals; it looks like what usually happens is incomplete cross-tolerance, so changing might help some, but it makes a difference what you’re changing to and what you’re changing from. (One of the benefits of Tramadol is that’s very different from the -codones and tolerance is harder to develop, apparently; bummer that it’s got problems for you.) I will put in another plug for the gabapentin/pregabalin (Lyrica) family, which is usually more effective for nerve pain than opioids, though it takes a few weeks to really take effect.

      Whatever you do, hope you find something that works for you; keep us posted.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, I realize no one here can likely answer that question. It’s just something I started thinking about recently. I went to the pain management doctor this week, who’s in the same office, and didn’t think to ask about it. It was a follow-up for the ablation. Unfortunately I didn’t get much relief this time around. That’s what made me realize the nerve/disc pain is getting worse. It’s so hard to tell because it all seems to come from the same area! The good news is that fusion would help the facet joint pain as well, so I shouldn’t need any more ablations. At this point I just want to fix the problem and not cover it up with meds and continuous pain management procedures and techniques; it just seems too exhausting and doesn’t fix the actual problem.

        I’ll ask about the gabapentin on the 11th when I go–I’m glad you mentioned it again since I’d forgotten about it.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I’ve tried. No, it didn’t work. I’m done with trying multiple pain management techniques at this point (I’ve tried lots) and want to just fix the problem.

    3. mango ice cream*

      Is there any way to not sit at work? Without knowing what you do, if you’re doing computer stuff you can get raisers which lift the monitor/keyboard so it’s like a standing desk. If I have a lot of paperwork, I can sometimes bring my stuff to an unused conference room and put it far away, so I’m standing on my legs, bent at the waist and kind of laying on the table, with the papers at my face/chest. I have a different issue that’s triggered by sitting all day. Don’t know if that will help, but throwing it out there.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I have a sit/stand desk, a good chair, etc. Sitting and static standing bother me, but I can’t escape either one unless I quit my job.

    4. Fikly*

      This is not precisely addressing the cross-tolerance issue (it’s super complex) but there is actually genetic testing for finding out what pain meds work best for you, because different people metabolize them differently.

      Google pharmacogenetic testing and pain medication.

    5. willow19*

      I like my Vicodin, it’s the only thing that touches my back pain. Percocet (oxycodone) makes me barf, then sleep. Vicodin (hydrocodone) does neither. Just throwing that out there.

  43. AnnaSomething*

    Removed because it’s mostly work-related (and was drawing work responses), but feel free to repost without the work part!

  44. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    I got started on Adam Wolfe, seemed appropriate for Halloween.

    1. lifesempossible*

      Not quite playing but fiance and I are excited about the Diablo IV ‘leak’ that was revealed! I have only played Diablo III, which is apparently toned down from what it used to be. The designers are returning to the grit and gore.

    2. fuzzfrogs*

      I’m playing The Outer Worlds. Really fun so far; really, really good game for anyone who likes Fallout/Mass Effect type RPGs. It’s a game I can actually see myself replaying in harder modes and with different playstyles, which is fun–I usually end up exclusively playing Goody Two Shoes in RPGs, but Outer Worlds is really good at A) making the “good” options fairly subjective and B) making it seem really fun to be really bad.

      I also really, really appreciated something I recently got to in the game [SOME SPOILERS]–one of my companions Parvati talked to me about the love letters another lady has been sending her. She mentions that she’s really hesitant on how to respond because she’s asexual, and it’s made people think she’s cold or not want to date her. You get a lot of good/neutral/evil responses to choose from, but one of them is to say that you’re the same way. It’s such a subtle thing but such a marked difference from games like Mass Effect/Fallout/etc. where all romantic storylines are sexual and sexuality is never specifically addressed; specifically letting the player character say they’re asexual strikes me as a really genuine, wonderful thing to do to enrich the play experience. I’m really excited to see what else my player character can become.

    3. Liane*

      1. Still watching the rest of the household take turns playing Fire Emblem 3 Houses. Son made himself a Ferdinand costume based on the game.
      2. Son & I played in our friend’s Discord-based Star Wars RPG the last 2 Saturdays. He adapted the free Fantasy Flight Games’ Rebellion Era adventure “Rescue at Glare Peak” for The Force Awakens timeframe. Lots of fun, even if my dice were rolling so badly that Friend told me to use Discord’s dice app.
      3. Interested in upcoming Fallen Order, but it sounds like even Easy mode will be too hard for me to get the hang of the controls.

  45. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Neti pot users– I feel better when I use it, but I hate the amount of trash being generated by pre-measured packets. I’m a cook, I know how to measure precisely. But the only bulk Neti Pot salts that I have seen for sale, are only sodium chloride. The packets combine chloride and sodium bicarbonate. If I switch, will I see a difference?

    2. mreasy*

      As long as your salt doesn’t contain anti caking agent it works fine for neti. I have done both the packets and straight up sea salt.

    3. AnonoDoc*

      Large pinch of salt and small pinch of baking soda = what is in those packets. A lot cheaper too.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Right. Sodium bicarbonate is baking soda so you could easily make your own mix cheaply.

    6. WS*

      The important part is boiling the water – the chloride is there to try to save people who don’t bother boiling. Any non-caking salt is fine.

      1. Natalie*

        No, the chloride in this case is a fundamental component of the chemical known as salt. Without that it would just be (highly reactive) elemental sodium.

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          Combining elemental sodium (sodium metal) with water would be exciting… if you like fires.

  46. Jules the First*

    Ugh. I bought a new horse at the beginning of October (she’s amazing; I adore her!) but the yard where I’ve been keeping her has been full of drama this week, with another owner having a huge row with the yard manager (who is admittedly immature and insecure…great combo!). I got a call early this morning from the yard manager basically begging me to say horrible things about a third owner and fishing about whether I was looking for a new yard, spent an hour reassuring said third owner that she’s not crazy, and have now been summoned to a mystery meeting with the yard manager next week. Sigh.

    The kicker is that I *am* toying with the idea of looking for a new yard, not because I’m unhappy here (I am mildly unhappy, but it’s cheap and the source of the unhappiness is not welfare, so I’ll deal) but because it’s 2hrs+ from work and I really need to be riding more often to properly train the new pony.

    Any advice on staying out of the drama without lying through my teeth?

    1. fposte*

      Oh, horse people drama. You’re making me feel all nostalgic now. This does sound like an awful lot of drama, though. Can you make “I’m really busy with work and can’t help you with this, sorry” into a twofer–it’s why you can’t spend time on the drama and it’s also foreshadowing why you’re going to have to move your horse?

    2. LilySparrow*

      My go-tos for staying out of drama are noncommittal noises, reflective listening, and “gotta go.”

      As in, “Hmmm. Mmmm. Huh. You sound really (worried/stressed/concerned/bothered), I can tell this is weighing on you. Well, sorry I can’t be more help, gotta go!”

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Is that normal for a manager to summon owners for a meeting? I don’t know too much about horses and how things are handled.
      You are two hours away and you have to go to this meeting. Perhaps you can phone in if she can put you on speaker phone. Use your cell and have a sudden disconnect/ bad connection? Just joking, sort of. But if you are on the phone then exiting the meeting should be easier.

      In general terms keep some go-to sentences handy:

      I am not sure on how I can help here.
      I am not clear on how this involves me.
      I am not certain this is any of my business and it would be impolite to weigh in here.

      Sometimes redirecting people to an action list is enough to shut down drama. “Okay so the horses keep escaping. We need to figure out why and then we need to figure out who we need to call in to remedy the problem.”
      Getting to the action list is the hardest part. In my example here you could wade through 20 minutes of how tired the manager is and how much work it is and then oh! btw the horses keep escaping. So you grab on the actionable part of this rant and steer right into an action plan with, “Oh the horses keep escaping, well that is something that can be resolved.. blah, blah, blah.”
      See in this example here you have picked the topic that you will focus on and redirect the conversation toward. You have said nothing about all. the. other. problems.

  47. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

    Hi folks! It’s starting to get colder where I am, and I’ve found that my new place-I-am-in-from-8-to-5 is also pretty dang cold. What recommendations do you have for warm underclothes – long sleeve layering tops, tights or leggings, etc – that can dress up or down and that hopefully don’t break the bank? I swear I saw a comment thread about this a few weeks ago but I can’t find it again. Please and thank you!

    1. MissGirl*

      I wear my ski base layer pants under my dresses. They’re black so they look like leggings but keep me a lot warmer. I also have fingerless mittens. One thing that also found helpful was a wool cardigan/blazer thing from Macy’s. It’s more warm and comfortable than a blazer but still a little dressy.

      1. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

        Oh, I didn’t think of looking at ski layers. Duh! Thank you for the suggestions!

      1. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

        That’s something I never would’ve thought about, but makes a lot of sense. I’ll look into it, thank you!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Seconding silk. And it can be found at unexpected places like TJMaxx from time to time.

    3. cat socks*

      Check out Land’s End. I’ve seen clothes there you can layer underneath your regular clothing. I’ve also heard good things about Uniqlo Heattech. I also keep a heating pad on my chair year round to keep warm.

      1. Admin Formerly Known as Actor*

        UNIQLO! I think that’s the brand in the previous thread that I couldn’t remember for the life of me. Thank you, I’ll check both of those places out!

        1. Bewildered lately*

          For what it’s worth, I find Heattech to be a misnomer. I much prefer L. L. Bean’s silk long underwear under trousers and shirts.

    4. Ranon*

      I’d look on Poshmark for base layers- smartwool and Icebreaker have wool options (more breathable, expensive, but way less expensive secondhand), cuddle duds and Uniqlo for synthetic (inexpensive new, very inexpensive second hand). Also fleece tights.

      I also have a wool knit blazer that just lives at the office, it’s super thick and dense and probably the warmest piece of clothing I own. I’m also kind of considering one of those under desk foot bikes, part of the reason I get so cold at work is I’m so sedentary- the same temps at home are fine because I’m moving around!

    5. Blarg*

      Uniqlo has a great, affordable line of lightweight layers. Heat tech or something. Less bulky than some of the north face stuff, more appropriate for indoors. In very cold offices, I’ve sometimes brought in a blanket. At one place I had a heated one you could plug in. It was that cold. And I’m not gonna be uncomfortable just to be more aesthetically pleasing.

    6. CoffeeforLife*

      I just picked up some base layer top and bottoms at Costco-they are on sale this week so it was a great deal. I’m wearing the shirt right now and can tell a big difference!

  48. Young Adult Novel*

    I wrote a young adult novel a few years back and I am toying with the idea of trying to get it published. I will probably self-publish it just for fun regardless, but I thought I might as well try to actually get it published. I’be had several teenagers read it who really enjoyed it (and they would be honest if they didn’t like it).

    Has anyone tried to get something published? What’s the process? Do you submit manuscripts online or is it still old-fashioned paper? Any other advice?

    1. OhCanary*

      Hi! I’m a traditionally published YA author. You should definitely try!

      You should check out QueryTracker.com. The general process is: you finish/edit your manuscript, write a query letter, and then email your query letter to agents. (Obviously, you have to make sure the agents represent the kind of book you wrote — is it YA fantasy? Contemporary? Romance? Etc.) There are tons of great resources online. (And yes, it’s all over email, obviously.)

    2. AnnaSomething*

      Big publishers only take agented submission these days. Literary agents all have websites where they specify what they want to see (fantasy, comtemp, mystery, etc) and how to submit. Usually you email a query letter that summarizes your plot/hook (not unlike a book blurb on the back of a book) and the first chapter(s). There’s tons of how-to guides to write a good query. Those smaller publishers who take author submission will also ask for a query and some sample chapters. Some may also ask for a detailed synopsis where you list EVERY plot point in the book. Follow instructions, wait for months on end, and eventually an answer will come.

    3. OtterB*

      I am not a writer but have been following some online for years. There are some good blogs out there that talk about things like what a query letter should include. Also check out Writer Beware for warnings about scams.

  49. BLT*

    For those of you that are or have been in a long distance relationship, how you do…maintain your skills…?

    My husband, K, was away for a year and after he came back, I swear my mouth just couldn’t kiss the way it used to. It felt and still feels strange. Sx is still good/great, but I feel so self conscious. K is away on another 2 year assignment (we’re halfway done) and while I’ve had the opportunity to visit occasionally, everything is still a bit rusty.

    I know the obvious answer is practice! But is there anything else I can do? Any suggestions on how to stop feeling so self conscious sometimes?

    1. Not A Manager*

      Could you reframe this? When you’re together, you’re not the *same* people you used to be. So maybe embrace that? Go on “dates,” enjoy that slight fumbling, take the opportunity to explore other ways to be intimate beside the same-old same-old that couples can fall into. Treat it more like a new intimate relationship and less like the old one.

      1. BLT*

        Great suggestion! You’re right, I know I immediately fall into the same ol’ stuff and instead of it being easier, I feel self conscious about it. I might as well reframe and refresh!

  50. MsChanandlerBong*

    Chewbacca passed away yesterday. It turns out he had a form of cancer that is so rare in cats that as of 2010, there had only been three cases of it reported in the literature. My vet had also never seen this cancer in a cat. We were going to try to treat his symptoms, but he stopped eating and wasn’t going to the bathroom, so we made the hard decision to put him to sleep. It was a good death, as deaths go. We got to snuggle him the whole time, and now he’s not struggling anymore. Hurts like hell, though. It sucked waking up this morning without him looming over me with his head cocked to the side as if to say, “When are you lazy humans going to get up and fill my food dish?”

    Thank you to all who provided cat-related tips over the past couple of months.

    9. FalafalBella*

      Losing a kitty is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss but it sounds like you did the best thing for your kitty.
      We lost our wonderful tabby Falafel at Thanksgiving after 16 years. It is just so hard. In February we got our new rescue kitty Bella and we adore her. Sending love.

  51. LuJessMin*

    I had a flu shot on Wednesday, and by Friday I had all the side effects – headache, muscle aches, general tiredness. Worked my 8 hours, came home, fed the kitties, ate dinner, and took a slug of NyQuil and was asleep by nine. Woke up at 6:30 with a muscle cramp in my left leg, got up to walk it off, fed the kitties, took another slug of NyQuil and just woke up at 12, feeling ever so much better.

    1. Rebecca*

      Can I ask, did your arm itch at the injection site? I’ve been getting the flu shot for about 25 years now, and this year was the first time I can remember the itching! It felt like a mosquito bite.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Every time I get it, I get a huge itchy goose egg that lasts for about two weeks. It very much feels like an insect bite.

      6. NewReadingGlasses*

        This years shot made my arm much more sore than usual. I assumed it was something the person giving it did, or I twitched a muscle, but I’m hearing the strains in it are a little different than recent years, so maybe it was an immune response.

      7. Venus*

        This year’s is apparently the H1N1 strain, which was the very bad one in 2009. I heard more comments that year about the injection site being painful, as it is a strain that is harder on the body, although those who were exposed may not have a reaction (as they should have immunity). An old family member of mine commented 10 years ago that they were surprised not to have any soreness from the shot, but they were born prior to 1940 so they likely had immunity.

    2. CAA*

      Glad you’re feeling better! I had that happen with last year’s shot, but this year was fine. I was a little nervous because I’d read that more people than ususal were feeling side effects from this year’s shot.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I got mine this week. No itchiness, just the normal arm-muscle ache I always get. Since the flu is already circulating in the local schools, I went even before my workplace had the free shot clinic. LOL. Didn’t want to wait after hearing what my friend the teacher went through.

  52. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    Hazy Daze,
    Apologies to you for going silent on the Artist Way thread here – the last 2 months were unexpectedly crazy busy and I never had the chance to do it. Honestly, I rarely thought about it, things were so crazy! When I had down time I just played phone games because I just couldn’t get into reading. Which is in itself crazy as I am a HUGE reader and almost too fast at it. Blarg.
    What’s funny is that the last week has been ‘quiet’ and I found myself looking around for a project!
    Hope that you are well.

    1. Hazy days*

      Hey, no stress! I completely understand about not wanting to take on a very intense project when things are demanding.

      I’m on week 6 and it’s going well, with lots of creativity for me :-)

  53. Gaia*

    I went to the appointment for my anxiety. It was not very helpful. She just kept asking what was causing my anxiety and didn’t seem to want to take “I really don’t know. Things are fine, I just feel like they aren’t” as an answer.

    She referred me to counseling but said it maybe 3-4 weeks before they can even call me to schedule (which I know – we don’t have nearly enough resources here to even come close to meeting the need).

    She prescribed me Zoloft. We discussed faster acting anti anxiety medication but they all have higher rates of dependency and I have a big family history of addiction so I don’t want to go that route. That said, I haven’t started taking the Zoloft because I made the critical error of reading about side effects and reviews from people who took it and it sounds like a living nightmare for the first several weeks.

    I’m supposed to see her in another 4 weeks to see if I’m feeling better.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I am NOT A MED PRO. When my family members started on anti-depressants, the doctors also gave them a prescription for a fast-acting anti-anxiety med, only for the titrating up period. I’m not sure if I can mention the med, so I’ll put that in a follow-up.

      2. Gaia*

        I think she would have considered something short term but I’m pretty cautious in that regard. I am the only member of my family that has not dealt with debilitating addiction and most of them used pills for at least some of their active drug use.

        One of my biggest concerns though is that a lot of folks report their anxiety got a lot worse at first and so maybe I need to reconsider my stance.

        1. Kuododi*

          Personally, I am not qualified to give medical advice. I can say in my case when I developed raging anxiety following the dual cancer dx. I also refuse to load up on benzos unless I am inpatient and in serious distress.

          My Dr added Buspar 3times/day to help with anxiety. Also I have been taking Trazodone to help with lack of sleep (non addictive) I don’t subscribe to the notion of magic pills but I’m willing to reevaluate my perspective. Those two meds helped like night and day. Best regards

          1. Gaia*

            I was actually really interested in Buspar. The NP I saw for some reason was very resistant to prescribing it. I think maybe because it is newer? It is so frustrating though because it seems like it works faster and doesn’t have nearly the same level of side effects as Zoloft.

            1. Kuododi*

              Buspar is very helpful and minimal if any side effects IMO. Actually, the medication has been around since the Dawn of Time. I remember patients on Buspar back when I was doing my clinical residency. (1995-1996). Personally, it’s worth additional phone calls/ meetings with the NP or MD to give the meds an honest effort. Best wishes

            2. nonegiven*

              My doctor gave it to me when I was really tense bec of quitting smoking. I had to start with a small dose and raise the amount every few days, and a few months later lower the dose the same way to get off it. I don’t remember any side effects, I just gradually felt less like committing murder.

    2. Parenthetically*

      “She just kept asking what was causing my anxiety” Uhhhhhhh, wow doctor lady, that’s not really how anxiety disorder works?

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. This is so frustrating. Hang in there.

      1. Gaia*

        Right!? I feel like if I knew what was causing it, I could address that and wouldn’t have been sitting there in her office.

        This very well could be the anxiety talking but part of me thinks she didn’t believe it was really as bad as it is. I don’t get physical anxiety symptoms. My pulse stays steady and my blood pressure is normal. Mine is purely psychological and emotional. So because she can’t “see” it maybe she thought it was just stress and not seriously out of whack anxiety?

        1. Parenthetically*

          I mean, from your description of it, I absolutely can see why it seemed like she didn’t believe it’s as bad as it is! Which obviously doesn’t mean it’s not bad, just that she’s not the right provider for you, maybe?

          1. Gaia*

            She isn’t, and neither is the doctor she works under. She is better than he is, but this entire clinic is a bit of a mess when it comes to a lot of things. Unfortunately, they are part of a massive medical group and so switching away is not really feasible. And their internal policies mean that I have to see my primary care (the doctor) or the NP or PA that work under him. Switching primary care providers would mean waiting months to be seen.

    3. Jdc*

      Nightmare for weeks. Truly. I was sick every day to the point that if I didn’t know it was from the medication I’d have been in the ER. I too have anxiety for no good reason. Everything is fine minus just normal life. But once it stopped making me sick it’s been sooooo helpful. It was worth it. Not trying to scare you just saying as bad as it was it was worth it.

      1. Gaia*

        See this is my fear. I keep telling myself my anxiety isn’t “that bad” to justify making it worse for it to get better. I have really strong defense mechanisms that do a good job of convincing me that I’m fine – really. So it is like my brain is fighting itself. One side says “this isn’t okay, you need to take this even if it sucks for awhile, you’ll feel better” and the other side says “no, you’re fine. It isn’t that bad, don’t exaggerate!”

        1. Jdc*

          That’s why you have to determine how bad it is and if it’s worth it. For me it was. I couldn’t drive without my heart rate being in the 180s from panic attacks. Could barely go to the store. For me it was worth it. Also there’s a perfectly good chance you personally won’t have those symptoms. Plenty of people don’t. How is your quality of life and how worth it do you think a couple bad weeks is. For me it was worth two had weeks because every other day was miserable.

    4. No Name Yet*

      That does sound…not that helpful of an experience with the provider. Med-wise, I can completely understand your hesitance about avoiding a fast-acting med. When I started on Zoloft, it was because my chronic anxiety had been getting worse, and then I got a giant hit of depression on top of it. It was awhile ago, but the only side effect I remember is GI (mild diarrhea, which interestingly would go away after a few weeks, and then come back again for a few weeks when I raised the dose). I think my libido also took a hit, but that wasn’t until I had been on it for a while. I just asked my wife, and she doesn’t remember anything unusual those first few weeks, either.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks, it felt very unhelpful. To her credit, she seemed concerned and she seemed like she wanted to help but I don’t think she really knows how. She did keep gently correcting me when I said I was fine so this wasn’t normal. She’d gently correct and say you can be both fine and have anxiety and that isn’t “abnormal” it just “is.” That was helpful to hear because I do struggle with even accepting that I have anxiety because there’s no freaking reason for it. I should have had it in my 20s when things were an actual hot mess, not now when things are stable and good.

        I feel like there’s a chance I have some mild depression creeping in on my anxiety, too. Or it isn’t depression and I’m just so overwhelmed that now a 5 minute call with my mom makes me cry for no reason.

        Thanks for sharing your experience with it. The two side effects I hear about the most are GI issues (nausea and diarrhea) and increased anxiety. I could deal with the GI issues although I’d rather not. It is the chance of making the anxiety worse that spooks me.

    5. Fikly*

      That sounds so frustrating!

      Anxiety doesn’t have to have a cause! That’s not how it works for some people. I hope if you do get in with counseling it’s with someone who understands more about how anxiety works.

      1. Gaia*

        I hope so too. I really do want to get into counseling because I don’t want to have to take medication forever. I’d like to see if there are ways I can work through this on my own. I know that might not be possible, but I’d like to try.

        Unfortunately, we have about half the number of mental health providers in this area as we should. And, understandably, people in active crisis and/or risk of self-harm take priority. I feel very lucky that even though this is difficult to deal with, I have no thoughts of self-harm. So while I’ve been referred, it will be a considerable wait before I get to see someone.

        I thought about doing some form of virtual counseling but it is so expensive and I haven’t found any that accept insurance.

        1. Fikly*

          I have generalized anxiety plus a host of other mental health issues. Medication was a tool for me to allow me to let therapy help, if that makes sense. I am still on medication, and I probably will be for years, if not forever, but it’s much less than I started on.

          I don’t know about your budget, but would something that costs 70 US for 40 minutes (and it gets less with packages) via virtual counseling be something you’d be interested in?

    6. Grace Less*

      So glad that you went, but disappointed that it wasn’t more useful for you. I also went to mine. It was about three minutes. Doubled my medicine and got a handout of therapists to call. (Or not call, as I’m currently leaning)
      I know the side effect horror stories are miserable. I can only say that I’m on my second med, and I haven’t had any at all. They usually have you start very small so it’s easy to stop if a negative affect occurs. There are many different classes of drugs, so if one isn’t right for you, there will be additional options.
      Good for you for advocating for a higher quality of life. It doesn’t have to be a specific problem; something is underperforming and you’re going to get it back up. You deserve that.

  54. OperaArt*

    Any ideas? It’s surprisingly difficult to find a white dress or metallic gold dress that meet my requirements. The dress is for a themed dinner snd ballroom dance event.
    For calibration purposes, I’m in my early 60s and wear a 14 or 16 in US sizes.
    Requirements: length anywhere from knee to ankle (not floor), sleeves at least to the middle of my upper arm, no illusion necklines or plunging backs because I have to wear a bra with straps and I don’t want the straps or band to show, it can’t look like a wedding dress. Matronly is OK, but stunning would be better. :-)
    I’ve checked Amazon, Unique Vintage, Rent the Runway, eShakti, ModCloth, Nordstrom, Macy’s, Drapers &Damons, Christopher & Banks.

    1. Ranon*

      Have you tried ASOS? It skews young but a lot of the younger styles are more covered up these days so could be worth a shot. The TFNC wrap maxi dress looks promising- I always have to read their size charts to check what actual size I need but looks like it comes in plus and straight sizing. (Link in reply)

    2. only acting normal*

      Do you have a budget in mind?
      Is the theme just white/gold or more specific (like a decade or something)?
      Do you prefer something fitted or loose? (Because for white-non-wedding moderately-covered-but-stunning my mind went to an embellished evening style kaftan or something like that, but that would be my style not necessarily yours!)

      1. OperaArt*

        Budget is $300 or less. I’m open as to the style. I just need to be able to dance in it, including spins and turns under the leader’s raised arm.
        Kaftan—that’s an interesting idea. Or some kind of fancy duster or tunic over white slacks.

        1. university minion*

          They’re one of the bigger department stores in the south, have been around forever, and nobody does weddings/pageants/events like southerners :-)

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Did you filter eshaki for color & special occasion? You might just not like what I’m seeing, but I found one in white with gold embroidery. Remember they can customize sleeves & length for any dress. Link in followup comment.

    8. Reba*

      Ah, we love a shopping challenge.

      I’m seeing quite a few Adrianna Papell numbers that would suit you. Look at their website to see the most styles and colors (they are carried at department stores but limited selection).

      I swear every wedding guest of a certain age :) whose dress I liked this year was in one of these.

      1. OperaArt*

        Good idea to go straight to the source. I’ve become a fan of Adrianna Papell over the past few days after scouring so many websites. I hadn’t seen anything that fit the requirements for this dress, but as you point out any given store/site only carries a limited selection.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Hi OperaArt — I have another dress link for you. A gold&floral cocktail-length dress just popped up in an advert while I was websurfing at coffee-break. So I grinned and came back here to share. I’ve never ordered from the brand — but it really caught my eye. Hoping you see this even a week later.
      https://www.stylewe.com/product/a-line-cocktail-elegant-floral-maxi-dress-4410349.html
      Let us know what you end up picking — I don’t get to dress up much so I’ll live vicariously.

  55. Laser Hair Removal Newbie*

    Has anyone done laser hair removal?

    I am a woman and I have a lot of hair on the underside of my jaw and neck area. It is genetic and it makes me very self conscious especially now that I’m trying to date again.

    I used to wax but my hair grows crazy fast. I could easily wax weekly and have about 1/4″ regrowth in-between (eyebrows and head hair are the same. It’s insane).

    I did a first session of laser hair removal a week and a half ago and I guess it is a bit thinner. But it’s definitely coming back in. I guess I thought some wouldn’t? I dunno.

    Can anyone give me realistic expectations? I have another session in about two weeks.

    Also? That hurt like hell – it was nothing like waxing. Ouch!

    1. MinotJ*

      I’ve had tons of laser hair removal on my chin and neck. Is the hair that you’re trying to get rid of dark? That works much better than pale hair, and dark hair on pale skin is best for this method. The hair that’s growing back right now isn’t the same hair that got lasered last week, unless they really screwed up; the new growth is hair that was too young for the laser to hit.

      It took me three or four cycles, maybe six weeks apart, until I felt like I wasn’t a werewolf anymore. And then I kept up my appointments for several months to really kill the hair. Now I just go in once or twice a year when a few random black hairs show up.

      1. Laser Hair Removal Newbie*

        Thanks for sharing. Most of it is dark and I’m pretty pale. It is the dark ones I’m most interested in getting rid of or at least drastically reducing.

        1. LibbyG*

          I haven’t done it, but I considered it, and I remember reading that the laser kills follicles that are at a particular point in the growth cycle, so it’s supposed to take 3-4 rounds to make a bug difference.

          I hope you get a result you like!

          1. Laser Hair Removal Newbie*

            Thank you. I think I will.

            Even with it growing back now it does seem to be a little less. It is one of those things that makes me really self conscious especially because it grows so quickly so I am hyper aware of it.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      It takes about 6 cycles to kill the hair follicle properly – and only if you do them properly on schedule. After one round you won’t see much and if you don’t follow up, the hair will recover.

      1. Laser Hair Removal Newbie*

        Oh that is really helpful to know. I had heard that there is regular ongoing maintenance most people require but there’s such bad information out there. It is helpful to hear from multiple people.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          There is some maintenance after your done (not much, IMO) but that’s after you finish killing the follicles, and that requires several rounds.

    3. Laser consultant*

      I worked as a laser hair removal consultant. Ask me anything you want.

      For women who grow hair in those areas, it’s a hormonal issue. Laser will slow and reduce hair growth. But your body will probably keep producing more throughout your life. Again, for hormonal reasons. However, it is worth it and superior to other forms of hair removal. Less chance of scarring and ingrown hair. Longer periods of hairlessness the more you do it.

      Find a spa that offers reduced payments or free services after a certain number of purchases. This is especially important for those stubborn areas like the face.

      1. Laser Hair Removal Newbie*

        So for me it isn’t hormonal. It is genetic and related to some other aspects. It is super frustrating though!

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      As for pain, get lidocaine. The strongest available and apply it about 30 minutes prior to treatment. It should sufficiently numb the area to make it tolerable. I’ve had it in *other* areas and it works. Your laser office may even have some available.

      1. Laser Hair Removal Newbie*

        Interesting. I actually thought about *other* areas but was really unwilling to try that after this experience. I’ll look into lidocaine for this work and if it does the job, perhaps *other* areas can be back in consideration.

  56. ouchie*

    Anyone here get occipital headaches? Any tips on recovering from one that you can share? Had a horrible one this morning that I’m still trying to shake…

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Weirdly, I get them pretty much every time I sleep on hotel pillows. I don’t know if it’s because they’re too soft or something, but literally every time I sleep in a hotel, bang, I wake up with what feels like a vice clamp around the back of my head. I don’t have any great tips, unfortunately, mine tend to go away after a half hour or so if I pop a couple of Advil straight out of bed.

      1. 100%ThatLizzoFan*

        I didn’t even know these headaches had a name! I call them “neck headaches” and yes hotel pillows definintely are a trigger for it. I take my pillows with me when I travel because of it. And I get them at home too a couple of times a month, but I usually have woken up with my pillows askew.

    2. misspiggy*

      I get them to a life-ruining degree. My only tip is to try to avoid getting them in the first place, i.e. track down what triggers them and prevent that.

    3. Wandering*

      Two things you could try:
      -Stuff two tennis balls in a sock, tie a knot in it to keep the tennis balls tight together. Lie down on a soft surface, place sock horizontally under the occipital ridge. Sometimes it hurts at first, sometimes it only hurts, sometimes relief is quick. Note that this is more comfortable with used tennis balls as they have more give.
      – Lie down, and very gently take the tips of your ears and very lightly pull them toward what would be the corners of a massage table if you were on one, so you’re (barely) lifting up & outward. Use about as much force as it takes to hold a nickel in your fingers, really just enough to know you’re doing it. Hold for as long as seems helpful.

      These have consistently been more helpful to me than meds, which is not to say they are infallible.

    4. The New Wanderer*

      I get them as stress headaches (they occur just after a period of high stress) and when I had mono, they were my primary symptom. My only solution is also two Advil and time for them to kick in. I have a family history of migraines and thought that might be part of it, but no migraine medication ever worked. Incidentally, when I finally did have a few migraines, the main symptom was visual aura and not headache pain.

    5. Sister Christian*

      I have periods where I start getting these a lot — always upon waking in the morning. Apparently they are caused when your sub occipital muscles tense up and get your sub occipital nerve involved, which makes things hurt over your scalp and to your eye? Anyway, I try to not let them get started in the first place by using a heating pad on the back of my head and upper back during times when I am prone to them. The heat relaxes the muscles and keeps them less likely to go into spasm. I also take ibuprofen and, sometimes, a little bit of decongestant (with pseudoephedrine) seems to help as well. I have had success this way.

  57. LQ*

    I’m sort of in the land of exhaustion and irrational anger. I do NOT want to talk to a human. I’ve tried a couple of online and virtual options that have only served to provoke aforementioned irrational anger, but I would be up for trying another if someone has an excellent recommendation. I’m aware it’s irrational and I am managing to keep it fairly under wraps and all the worst of it happens when I’m alone. I haven’t resorted to any of my worst behaviors and I feel a good distance off from that. I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions for workbooks, book books, or other self-driven tools that might be effective.

    This stems from a lot of anxiety which I normally have under control. But right now stacking on top of it, two family members with terminal cancer, bed bugs in my home which is only now returning to normal, my job being intensely stressful (but good). Any one? Cake. Any two? Doable but rough. All three. Pfff. My main goal has been to get my home to be safe again and get back to sleeping in a healthy way which I think will get me back to a good place. But I could use other suggestions for dealing with these mostly brief but overwhelming surges of irrational anger.

    I cannot do another human thing in my life. Not the stress of finding a human which itself would be an insurmountable mountain right now, or the straight-up exhaustion of having to spend another hour a week with an unknown human. Please do not recommend a human.

      1. LQ*

        That’s a good suggestion. A walk isn’t always in the cards, but something physical and something that is a change of scenery in a small way usually is. Weirdly this also makes me think of even in moments I can’t a physical outlet like a fidget toy may help a little. I can do that. Thank you so much!

        1. Grace*

          In the same vein of ‘physical activity’, I know multiple people who have success with vent art for periods of strong emotion (including people with borderline etc who had it recommended by a therapist). If you’re of an artistic bent, you can try actually creating ‘real’ art, but I’ve also seen people who had success with ‘time to colour this sheet of paper with a sharpie until it’s completely black, and if I still want to engage in destructive behaviour, let’s do the next sheet’. All that takes is a sketchbook and a pen.

          1. LQ*

            That’s potentially doable. The art expression I want to do is writing, which never makes this better because it turns into a swarm of anger/anxiety and just gives a space to dwell. Lazy coloring might also be good. Where I don’t care about the art of it, but the action.

            The theme I’m getting from everyone is action, which I really appreciate.

    2. Hex Code*

      I have smashed glass bottles into a recycling dumpster when I’ve felt like the anger was physically overwhelming. Would recommend!

      1. LQ*

        This I used to do in high school when I worked in a restaurant, always a delight. Much harder to do now, but I’ll consider something that may have a similar effect. Thank you!

    3. Sometimes Always Never*

      Are you an animal lover? You don’t mention pets, but if you don’t have any, spending time volunteering at the shelter could be helpful. Anything from walking dogs, cuddling cats, cleaning litter boxes, might help. I’m sorry you have too much on your plate, but you’re doing well imho to recognize where you are and not just acting out.

    4. Vincaminor*

      This is going to depend on when the anger strikes, but — do you have any firewood that need chopping (or just whacking on)? Hedges that need cutting? Rugs that need bearing? Pillows that need teaching a g-d lesson? Maybe it’s not how I “should” do it, but I find good old fashioned physical violence on inanimate objects can clear the air marvelously.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Bread dough is cheap & easy to make and wonderful to whack, beat, and mutilate. It feels really good in your hands, and if you don’t want to eat it, throw it away. Flour, yeast & salt cost pennies.

        1. LQ*

          I made bread this weekend for just this. I was having a big surge and just cleared everything off and kneaded the crap out of bread and it was great. Part of it I think is just getting through it. When I have panic attacks I set a timer and tell myself I just have to get to the other side. These irrational anger spurts are similar so maybe I should go for a timer and DO something. I think the lack of action makes those times harder.
          Thank you!

    5. Goldfinch*

      Hitting stuff works great, IMO. Could you watch some videos on beginner’s martial arts? Buy or rent a punching bag?

    6. Amethystmoon*

      Cooking helps me when I get angry. I find crunchy foods to break up into bits and chop. Stabbing tomatoes can be fun, but messy, so there may be some cleanup afterwards. Potatoes are probably less messy.

      If not in the mood for chopping veggies, I have found a pillow and punched it a few times for good measure.

      Also computer gaming can help—find a bunch of goblins, orcs, trolls or whatever and let loose on them. Make sure to save said game before letting loose so you can repeat.

    7. Bigglesworth*

      I have no suggestions, but this all sucks and I definitely empathize. I’m in a similar boat (dad is terminal, law school, spouse isn’t managing mental illnesses well, I have autoimmune stuff, toxic boss) and am shedding things left and right. I normally like people, but I just can’t right now. A friend recently suggested a “Break Room” where you can go and smash things. Maybe that’ll help you. If not, know that I hope you find a way to manage.

    8. Avasarala*

      Karaoke (see Aggretsuko on Netflix for inspiration).
      Go to a games arcade–in my area there’s one where you get mad and flip a table as hard as you can. Or hit drums as a rhythm game.
      Go to a batting cage or hit some balls in a park or at a tennis court.
      Go to Walmart/dollar store, buy a wiffle bat, hit it against a tree until it breaks.
      Go bowling and throw the ball as hard as you can.
      If all else fails, put on your sneakers and run until you’re too tired to be mad.

  58. Spoons please*

    Anyone have a recommended messenger bag? Looking for one large enough to hold my iPad, but not so big I lose stuff in it. I’m a woman, but don’t care if it’s unisex in look.

    1. cat socks*

      I bought one a while back on Zappos from the brand Le Sportsac. I’ve also heard good things about the brand Travelon, but haven’t tried them myself.

    2. Jules the First*

      Crumpler does some good ones; I’ve literally just bought myself one from Rareform that looks cool but can’t comment on quality/functionality as it is still in transit.

    3. ouchie*

      I swear by the ones made by Case Crown (find them on Amazon). Inexpensive but well made, great internal setup, available in gray, black, brown or pale earth green. It’s designed to hold an iPad Pro.

  59. BummedOut*

    Last week I posted about it having been a really hard week, this week has been one of ups and downs.
    I took my cat to the vet on Monday, who diagnosed her with acute blindness. I hadn’t even noticed she was blind! Apparently her blood pressure was through the roof, causing her to loose her vision. I have to give her meds now to bring down her blood pressure and hopefully restore a little bit of her vision. She’s 15, so health issues are to be expected, but she’s been very healthy up until June of this summer.
    Then, on Tuesday while I was waiting for the vet to stop by for a house visit, I got the news I could buy my very first home! It’s part of a project by the city to sell affordable homes, so you have to apply and it’s a whole big process and I didn’t think I would get to buy something. But I did! Signed the papers on Thursday! It’s exciting and scary and all those things.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Wonderful home news!! That’s awesome! It sounds like a week of ups and downs – but that will be a big plus for a long time to come. (Other folks here are recent new homeowners… lots of advice… you are in good company with them!)
      Sorry to hear about kitty’s vision – hope she is coping well?

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Congrats on the house!

      Re the cat – I dealt with that, and so did my parents with one of their cats. Cats can do really well not being able to see. Just try to keep things in the house in the same spot, don’t clutter up, etc. They’ll build a mental map of the house, so just don’t mess up their map! The fact that she can hear will help too, you can give her verbal cues. My cat was deaf already when she went blind, so we were slowly figuring out a system of touch and vibration before she passed away. And if you get toys with bells or other noisemaking stuff, she can find the toy via sound.

      My vet told me that in cats, high blood pressure usually has an underlying cause, so you may want to keep an eye out for more foundational problems. Kidney disease can be one of them I think, and so can heart problems. In Sibley’s case, the cause was a heart condition that was never fully diagnosed due to her advanced age (nearly 20). The heart problem progressed and she died about 4 months after she went blind. Sibley did recover a tiny bit of sight in her least damaged eye, mostly shadows or light/dark. It wasn’t much, but it helped with navigation a bit. Minus the heart problems, she was pretty comfortable and content after an adjustment period.

      1. BummedOut*

        Thanks for the advice. She was diagnosed with very early stage kidney failure in June, so that is probably the cause. The vet took blood and urine samples on Monday to get tested, so I hope those will give us some more information. The vet is coming back on Tuesday to take her blood pressure again, and I hope she will have the test results then as well.

  60. Stephen King*

    I feel like I’m always being bullied for being gifted.

    I’ll take a ballet class people like freak out at me because I am doing better than them. But there aren’t any harder classes for me to take unless I’m in the dance company.

    When I’m at work I try to just keep to myself and not make a scene, and they just get on my case for thinking I’m better than them or something.

    I have a hard time making friends in communities or meetups because I feel like I’m already like 10 steps ahead of everybody. So I try to just not say anything as much as I can because I don’t want to seem rude. I’m not particularly excited about meeting those people either but I can’t just be alone all the time. I’ve tried so many meetups.

    Like as soon as people start to get to know me I get bullied.

    2. LQ*

      If you are expressing to others around you (likely subconsciously) that you believe you are 10 steps ahead of them, then I’m not surprised that they aren’t interested in engaging with you or are treating you with some hostility in return.

      Focus on what others are excellent at. Everyone is amazing at something. Focus on others and it is much easier to make friends. Once you have a circle of friends they will do amazing things to protect you from being bullied.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I mean this gently and I hope you can hear it gently. Have you considered getting some support with social skills? What I’m hearing from you, first, is that you actually are gifted and do many things better than other people do. This is a fact and you can’t change it. But then I’m also hearing that you have feelings about this situation (you’re not excited about meeting other people), and that other people have feelings about this situation (they believe you think you’re better than them, they freak out, they bully you).

      You can’t change being gifted or your ability level. But you can change how you are presenting yourself and interacting with people. This is where it might be helpful to get some support with social skills so that you’re not (possibly) giving off a vibe that you’re not interested in people, or that you think you’re better than them, or whatever else they might be reacting to.

      There will always be jerks and bullies. If it wasn’t because you’re gifted at something, it would be because you’re weak at something. Or because of some other reason. Jerks are gonna jerk. But if you’re encountering this from most people in most settings, then some of this might be more within your control than it seems to you right now.

    4. Jenny*

      I think you need to speak to a counselor or neutral observer. I’m not doubting you feel bullied but unless you’re in a small bubble, I don’t think it’s because you’re gifted. I did all the gifted stuff in school myself and I know some absurdly smart people (like a friend did her PhD in engineering at MIT) and they don’t get picked on. I think you need to examine how you present yourself and what you perceive as bullying.

    5. Dan*

      Well, one thing you can do in general is surround yourself with people of like ability.

      I work in a field, that despite all of its flaws, my company only hires subject matter experts and/or highly skilled technical people. Basically, what that means is that everybody is very good at something, and everybody’s “something” is just a little bit different. So we get a diverse “skill” background, filled by people who are very, very good at their thing… and “dumb” (sometimes comically so) in other ways.

      Nobody picks on each other.

      1. Stephen King*

        Ya it’s like in high school I was in AP classes and “regular” classes were stuff I can do in my sleep. Real life is like, all “regular” classes.

        1. Jenny*

          Okay, but that’s not how real life works (I say this as someone who had a whole bunch of shiny 5s). I may be very very good at my niche little corner of my job, but I am not the best at everything.

          Life isn’t like school. People aren’t competing for an A when they hang out to have a beer or knit or play board games or go for a hike or eat Ethiopian food. How are conversations going down that you’re “ten steps ahead”?

        2. Cat*

          That’s not actually true. The AP kids all went out and got jobs too. Plenty of places are filled with high achievers.

        3. Clisby*

          Yeah, but you don’t have to be gifted to be in AP classes. Yes, they’re taught at a higher level than “regular” classes, but nobody has to be gifted to do well in them.

    6. AnonAcademic*

      How are you “10 steps ahead” in a meetup/social situation? I’m not sure I understand. This sounds more like a social issue than a gifted issue. I know multiple genius IQ types who don’t have the problems you’re describing.

      1. StudentA*

        Same here. I work with objectively brilliant people so I think I have perspective here. I, too, don’t understand how people you just met would be like “They’re 10 steps ahead—-Who do they think they are”

        Perhaps give a few examples?

        Also, what’s your definition of “gifted”? To be honest, most people I know would give you the side eye if you even hint at referring to yourself as that.

    7. Koala dreams*

      I’m not sure I understand this 10 steps ahead in a social situation like a meetup. Do you mean you already know all the people that go to local meetups? Or that you think the small talk is boring because you just want to skip to discussing the interesting things? In the first case, maybe there is a bigger city nearby you can travel to? In the second case, you might want to try an activity where everybody does their thing in their own pace, like a spinning class or a knitting evening, where you don’t have to talk to more people than you want. If you do want to talk to people, you need to accept that most conversations start with small talk. Or you can try the old solution, going to a coffee shop with a paper or a book and people watch.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        The small talk point is SO important here. If the issue is that you meet people who discuss inconsequential things, well, that’s how people start to get to know each other. Not responding to small talk and not engaging in some way with the group will come across as snobby. This doesn’t mean you have to be vivacious, but it does mean you have to engage if you want people to want to be around you.

      2. Stephen King*

        I never said small talk. A lot of it’s like discussing things that have already been proven one way or another. So I just try to keep my mouth shut because I don’t wanna seem like a know it all. Or like people talking about how difficult some something is that I’ve already finished. Like I try not to talk about how fast I read or how fast I work. I just don’t relate to those kinds of challenges.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Do you find anything difficult or challenging? I’m sure you do, so try to think of it in more general terms. If someone finds it difficult to finish War and Peace while you were able to get through it in a week, then you can’t relate to that, but maybe that person built a treehouse in a weekend and you’re not good with tools.

          As for the “proven” things… is this stuff like, “the Earth is flat” or more subjective, like “beer is bad for you”? I rarely encounter people making proclamations like the former, but the latter has nuances that can be the basis of great conversation.

        2. Agnodike*

          I mean this as gently as possible, and I hope you can hear that I have a lot of compassion for your situation.

          Most things in the adult world don’t have a single best answer that works in all situations. Some things can be “proven” – the earth is round, vaccines are safe and prevent disease, an object released from a height will fall downward – but most of what we deal with in our day to day lives is actually very nuanced and complex, with social, cultural, and historical influences shaping the way we think about it. (In fact, when you get to the real upper echelons of even self-evident super provable science, you’ll find a lot of very interesting and thoughtful people exploring the ways in which our social, cultural, and historical context influences the creation of apparently objective facts.)

          Being finished a task first doesn’t mean you finished it the best. Indeed, often people who ignore nuance are able to complete a task very quickly by leaving out some important and interesting elements. Is it possible that the people around you are frustrated not because you’ve exceeded them and found a perfect solution first, but because they’re interested in nuance and complexity that you’re dismissing? Or that you’re finding something easier than they are not because you’re more competent but because you’re not addressing all the angles involved?

          My father-in-law, a very bright man who’s worked his whole adult life as a renowned scientist, is like this. I work with substance users to help them make more positive health choices, which is a job with a lot of nuance involved because people use substances for myriad complex reasons. He will ask me about my work and become very frustrated with what I describe, because his solution is “drugs are bad for you, we all know that, so your patients should stop using them by just not taking them any more.” To him, this feels like a simple and satisfying solution, and he thinks my patients are stupid and lazy because they just don’t do that. To me, the problem of how to help people work through a very complicated multifactorial human problem is endlessly interesting and challenging, because I can see everything that goes into it. He gets to “the answer” quickly because he can’t see all the things I can see, and he gets frustrated. So these days we mostly talk about his work and what he’s interested in. And honestly, if we weren’t related, I probably wouldn’t talk to him even though he’s an interesting guy with lots of interesting thoughts about his own area of expertise, because it’s very difficult to have a conversation with someone who’s stuck in their own perspective. I wonder if you’re in a similar situation.

          1. Taylor Swift*

            I think you hit the nail on the head with your ignoring nuance point. It sounds like that is probably the issue here.

        3. EventPlannerGal*

          I’m curious why you seem to view so many things in terms of competition. You pick up things faster, you find work easier, you know more things, you read books faster. Is this how the people around you view these things as well, just focusing on metrics like speed or difficulty? I ask because you don’t seem to be focusing much on the content of what you’re doing, and to me that’s not really how I relate to other people in a social context or even at work and I don’t think that many other people do either.

          For example, if I was to talk to someone at work about a book I read I don’t think our comparative reading speeds would even cross my mind – I would be talking about the story, whether I liked it or not, how I heard about it, other books by that author, the movie adaptation, whatever. Things like that stopped being a subject of competition for me a very long time ago, and I don’t think I would be very interested in engaging with someone who continued to view the world in that way as an adult.

    8. Sungold*

      Sounds like you enjoyed your AP classes. What about joining Mensa, if they have meetings near you?

      1. Mike C.*

        We should be trying to give this person advice which helps them get along better with other people, not further alienate him. Mensa is an absolutely toxic organization based on misusing IQ tests.

      2. Clisby*

        But there’s nothing terribly advanced about AP classes. They’re for above-average students who can handle introductory college classes sooner than other kids. I mean, if you have a 5th grader successfully completing AP classes, fine – maybe the kid’s gifted. A high school junior or senior? They’re ahead of their cohort, but not necessarily setting the world on fire.

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have some friends who are legitimately brilliant and we still gossip and talk about TV and laugh over stupid trivia games. These are people who have doctorates, have done amazing things, will probably win MacArthur grants. I am pretty smart (so sez I) but not on that level. But we love each other because we are good company and we have a lot of common interests. And my friends think I have a lot to offer, especially in areas they don’t. And I love these people because they are people, not because they’re geniuses. They have never made me feel like I am less than they simply because I’m not next-level brilliant.

      I agree that this sounds like a social issue, like you might want to spend some time exploring how to be social. This does not at all mean that you should dumb yourself down or anything, just that perhaps you should focus more on what other people have to offer than whether they are “behind” and you are “ahead.” It’s not nearly that black and white.

      1. Jenny*

        I have a cousin who is literally a NASA rocket scientist, and a darn good one at that, and she has no trouble at all interacting with people.

    10. ThatGirl*

      I was in “gifted” classes for awhile, have a big vocabulary, love to learn so I know a lot of random things. I pick things up quickly and am self assured. But I also know I can always learn from people, no matter who they are.

      My husband is even book-smarter than I am. But he struggles with social anxiety as times and it makes him feel awkward. He still knows how to talk to people without talking down to them.

      I’m not sure how you define being bullied, but you may want to consider the vibes you’re giving off, how you interact with others, etc. It sounds like you may look down on people for not being as smart as you are. If you come off as arrogant then people may react poorly.

      1. Stephen King*

        Like Grown adults turning off the light in the bathroom while I’m in it then laughing. Trying to open the door while I’m in the stall. Talking about me behind my back except like I can hear them about like how “weird” I am. Sending emails to me about how stupid I am. Telling me to start faking it when I have a cold. Not inviting me to activities. Inviting me and then ditching. These are grown people.

        1. ThatGirl*

          That sounds like you’ve found a bunch of immature jerks, but it doesn’t sound like it has much to do with your intelligence. Keep looking, be nice to people, treat them as equals and you’ll find better.

        2. Reba*

          Yikes, that is NOT normal and not your fault. Those people suck. Please don’t take those cruel interactions as the metric by which you need to calibrate yourself.

          Instead I think you need to surround yourself with better people… Which I know is way easier said than done.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Get new friends, seriously. This is not what friendship looks like.

          My suggestion is to read books on setting boundaries with people. Don’t keep putting up with this from people, you can move away from them.
          For someone to think it’s okay to do these things to another human being is not acceptable, period. You see this once or twice that is enough, you don’t have to keep going through this to make the call that the friendship is not really a friendship.

        4. Clisby*

          I don’t see where this has anything to do with your being gifted. You’re around a bunch of jerks. There are jobs where you don’t have to be around jerks – maybe your first step should be to find one.

    11. LilySparrow*

      Okay, read the thread.

      Was also in all gifted and AP classes. There is a major skills gap that is showing here.

      What is holding you back from getting jobs where people expect a high level of work and professionalism? Because those jobs do exist. Even at entry level, there are companies that have very high expectations and actively seek top talent.

      The fact that you are not finding them, or not getting hired for them, means that you are *not* 10 steps ahead in the career department. You’re struggling to find the right job.

      The other gap is in finding good-quality people to spend time around. The behavior you describe is not normal or “average”, while you are exceptional. Average, normal people don’t act like that.

      Those people are weird and serious jerks, to an unusual degree. Why are these the only people you can find to spend time with, or how do you keep winding up in major asshole-rich environments?

      For example, I can’t recall the last time anybody I know gave a shit how fast someone reads. Why is that even a topic? When normal adults discuss books, they talk about the *content*, not the page count. Unless maybe someone says, “That was so good, I couldn’t put it down! I read it straight through in one sitting.” And the other person says, “I know, I love that author.” or “Oh, Ill have to get it, sounds great.”

      These things are not happening to you because you are gifted. They are happening because you are finding the wrong places and people more than you are finding the right ones. So that is a skillset you can use some coaching on – finding appropriate work that’s a good culture fit and a challenging environment, and finding social groups with fully-developed adults in them.

      Best of luck, I hope you get a handle on this, it makes all the difference.

    12. Washi*

      So from your earlier comments, in social situations people bully you by laughing at you, pulling mean pranks, and talking about you behind your back. Your diagnosis is that these normal people are bullying you because you are gifted. My hunch is that anyone doing what you describe is not normal, and that your intelligence has very little to do with the situation.

      Sometimes people who struggle to find friends also struggle to see red flags early in relationships. Someone who has lots of healthy friendships might walk into a situation and nope right out of there because it feels off, but maybe you don’t pick up on that right away, and are trying to make something work that was never going to work out.

      I’m also not sure how to say this….but something that will prompt the kind of immature jerks you describe to pick on you is calling yourself gifted and turning everything into a competition. Like if someone is saying how hard something is, why is your first thought to say that it isn’t hard? They’re not asking you to weigh in on how hard a task is for you, they’re just venting or looking for validation that they’re not stupid, that they’re doing their best, etc.

      Instead of comparing everyone to yourself, can you get curious about them? How did they end up where they are? Who is important in their life? What are their favorite books and hobbies? Why do they love that hobby so much? Have compassion for them and have compassion for yourself. You’re not perfect either. You’re smart, but you struggle in social situations. Sometimes people pick on you, and sometimes you don’t pick up on other’s cues. You’re 10 steps ahead in some areas, but you struggle in others. And that’s ok, that describes everyone! I bet some of the people you’ve determined are not smart are actually amazing at other things. People want to be friends with someone who finds and brings out their amazing qualities, who makes them feel good about themselves. The next time you find someone you like, maybe try to make that your mission.

    13. J.B.*

      Have you ever started in joining a new group by listening and focusing on what other people are good at. I mean it’s actually really impressive to watch someone maneuver a garbage truck well. It can take a while to be accepted in a new group, sometimes focusing on a common interests is good. I knew people who joined a community service organization for social interaction with a positive focus.

    14. Dancing Otter*

      Apply for Mensa.
      We’ve all been the gifted kid, with the resultant issues at school and socially. We get it.
      It may not change your experiences at work, but it will give you opportunities to socialize with other people equally (and differently) gifted.
      You won’t be ten steps ahead of everyone, certainly not at everything. And if you’ve developed an attitude that you think you are, you will be encouraged to adjust that attitude, to put it nicely.
      Bluntly, nobody is the best at everything; nobody is an expert on every subject. Surround yourself with other brilliant people: you’ll enjoy yourself more; and it will knock the arrogance out of you.
      And that will change the way you get along with the rest of the world.

  61. The Other Dawn*

    The eviction is progressing. The tenants file their answer to the Summons and Complaint…two days late. It really burns me that I have to be 100% on top of every single detail, including timing, while they get extra time to do what they need to do on their end. All while continuing to not pay rent, tripling the water bill, and complaining to our mutual friend how they’ve been wronged in all this. Supposedly they have a place and if everything goes through they may be able to move in by Thanksgiving, but I don’t believe them for one minute they have a place. I hate that I have so much distrust in people these days. Thankfully I have a lawyer to handle it, as it’s such a stressful thing to deal with. He is still going ahead with the process and is going to push to get them to sign a stipulated judgement, which means we don’t have to take the chance that a judge will allow them to stay through the holidays–that’s a likely outcome if it goes to the judge for trial.

    In the meantime, my in-laws were forced to get an apartment in a very crappy area of town since the relocation agency wouldn’t wait for the eviction to go through (it was one of only a few that would take my niece’s pitbull). I don’t blame them, though, since they were paying over $200 a night for them to stay in a hotel while their home is rehabbed after the fire. I’m hoping once this is over the agency will approve them moving into our old house once the tenants leave. At least we’d get some rent to pay that mortgage until we can sell, and our in-laws would be in a bigger living area in a better neighborhood.

    As for our mutual friend…I’m not sure how I’m feeling about her. Friend has a long history with the tenant–friendship of 40+ years–but their friendship is very co-dependent. I guess that’s the word. Lots of drama, lying, sneakiness, cheating with the other’s boyfriend, stuff like that. They’ve done so many awful things to each other over the years, but still remain friends. My friend knows how I feel about Tenant. Tenant used to constantly throw Friend under the bus when talking to me. And while my friend has every right to be friends with Tenant, it really bothers me right now because she’s told me several times that she doesn’t think she could continue being friends with Tenant if Tenant forces us to evict. But here we are. We’re evicting Tenant and they’re still friends. I guess it’s just at the point where I don’t have any trust that if Friend told me she dropped Tenant as a friend that I’d actually believe her. (They’d had a massive blowout a few years ago and I told Friend that if she decided to be friends with her again, I don’t want to know anything about it. They made up and Friend kept it from me for months, like I was going to… I don’t know what Friend thought I’d do. What CAN really I do?? Nothing.) I also feel like Friend is one to keep her options open and play both sides of the fence because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (she’s always been like that). There’s no question here. It’s just a vent. I just don’t know how I feel about Friend at the moment.

    1. Dan*

      I’ve been a life long renter, and understand both sides. I will say that when one is being told to vacate the roof over their head, that I do strongly believe in fine print and dotting I’s and crossing T’s.

      I learned about ethics and landlord/tennant relations several years ago. I once lived in a duplex that, it turned out, was not properly zoned (it was a duplex in a single family zone), and oddly covered under the city’s rental control laws. The law was very clear that because the place was not properly zoned the property owner could not collect rent. Since the property was covered under rent control, in order to evict the tennants, the property owner actually had to pay them several thousand dollars to leave.

      I came away from the situation wondering why any sane individual would own and rent out property covered under rent control. Tennants have *all* of the power in those situations.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        When I said “extra time to do what they need to do on their end,” what I meant was that they’ve been told quite a few times in the weeks since this started, even before the papers were formally filed and served, that they’re free to contact my lawyer (I gave them the name and number directly and through the mutual friend) and he’ll talk them through where to get the form and how to fill it out, answer questions, etc. He even called them the day the answer was due to the court because they didn’t call (lawyer wants to avoid court–we all would like to) and they didn’t call him back until yesterday, which was two days after it was due.

        I mentioned last week that they truly were good tenants up until earlier this year. When issues arose, we worked with them as much as we could (reducing rent, taking the house back off the market so they don’t have to deal with showings, several situations for which they should have had renter’s insurance but didn’t and we offered to foot the bill). Then it all went really south and they played the victims to anyone who would listen. One of them has been making things up, too. (She assumed I’m no longer friends with someone who she also knows and felt free to spin some tall tales.) At this point they’ve had 7.5 months and they’re now spreading one-sided stories when I have every text and FB message to back up our side of it. Even people who are actual friends with them and only acquaintances with me have sided with me.

        I’m hoping to get my in-laws in there once this is over. And then once they’re back on their feet and back in their own home, we’re putting it back on the market. I will never be a landlord again. It’s too stressful and it’s like a black cloud hanging over my head, wondering what I’ll need to fix next, are they going to pay the rent, etc. I really never should have done it five years ago when we moved, but we were underwater, wanted very badly to leave the area, and thought we could trust the people we rented to at that time (nope, had to evict within months).

        Yes, it’s a mess. And yes, I’m emotional and stressed about it.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Speaking of improper zoning…we found out that the one-family house that’s next to the house we rented to the tenants now has four apartments in it. I have absolutely no idea how they fit four apartments in that tiny house!

    2. tangerineRose*

      Both Friend and Tenant sound like a lot of drama and maybe good people to avoid. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      *hugs* I feel you. I think we are going to just leave the space unoccupied. This whole process is draining.
      Our “renter” said she thinks she can be out by the 10th but _shrug_ we’ll see what new curveball life throws at her. She hasn’t paid rent since August so hopefully she have a nice deposit on a new place. Please just leave already.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Hugs to you, too. Same story here pretty much. So many times I’ve heard they “might have a place” or they do “have a place.” No, the do not have a place. We just found out that my in-laws won’t be able to stay there after the tenants leave. The relocation agency forced them to get an apartment and the lease is six months, which means we’ll be paying two mortgages until we can dump the house. At this point I’m ready to sell it to the first “we buy houses for cash” place that comes along.

  62. Red Sky*

    I picked up two new male Felv+ foster cats on Halloween and need a bit of advice from the cat regulars. Buddy is a big ol’ tabby that more than lives up to his name. Friendly and confident as can be, and super comfortable in his new surroundings. Catsby, a 6 mo old tuxedo, on the other had is super skittish and runs/hides from people if you move to fast or talk too loud. He’s been looking to Buddy for reassurance, which Buddy is happy to provide. They’ve been playing and zooming around the house.

    But… it’s gotten a little bit weird, Buddy has been mounting Catsby when they play. Buddy is also about twice the size of Catsby. Catsby puts up with it, and no one is getting hurt, but it’s got to be annoying. When it happens I’ve tried distracting Buddy with his favorite toy wand thingee, which normally he’s really into, but to no avail. Is there anything else I can do about this? Is this normal? I’ve had a few foster and owned cats and haven’t had this particular issue before.

    1. Auntie Social*

      You might spray a little water at Buddy using a spray bottle (actually adjust it to stream, not spray, that would get them both). Learned that from a cert. animal behaviorist to correct behavior in cats and pups. One or two spritzes does it. I use it for aggression, food stealing, barking, etc. Now we all sit quietly while mom makes our breakfast.

      1. Sometimes Always Never*

        I had read something negative years ago about the water spritzing. Namely, that it teaches the cat to fear you and inhibits bonding with you, and also that the cat just learns to engage in the undesirable behavior when you’re not around. For those reasons, I’ve never tried it, so I also don’t have any personal evidence that it might be bad. If it’s really not bothering Catsby, and instead only bothers you, maybe let it be and see if it goes away on its own? Maybe it’s a way for Buddy to demonstrate he’s the alpha. Or pick Buddy up when he starts the behavior? Also, maybe something to mention to the vet. I’m sure they’ve dealt with it before.

        1. Red Sky*

          I’ve got an email in to the foster coordinator but don’t expect to hear back probably until Mon or Tues as it’s not an urgent medical issue. I do separate them when it happens, but I literally had to pry Buddy’s jaw open to remove it from Catsby’s neck the last time. Catsby doesn’t act like the neck biting hurts and he’s definitely not scared of Buddy. You’re probably right that it’s a dominance demonstration.

          I feel like if I were to use a spray bottle it’d just further traumatize Catsby around humans, and the behavior would likely just continue when I’m not around. Agree

        2. TL -*

          I use water spritzing (for rare major offenses when scolding doesn’t get her to stop) on my cat and it definetly hasn’t inhibited bonding or instilled fear – she’s both much braver around me and very, very affectionate/needy.

          She does, however, sometimes do things behind my back.

          I probably wouldn’t spritz a sensitive cat that is already responsive to a stern tone, but a confident, comfortable one that isn’t responding otherwise would get the occasional stern warning than spray if they had a behavior that needed to stop.

          But I agree that if this behavior isn’t harming anybody or hurting anything and it’s not escalating, I wouldn’t put a lot of effort into stopping it. Cats are really good at communicating no when they feel the need.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          I used spritzers sparingly with my cats. I mostly used it to get the pups’ attention and help them obey their commands.

          With the cats, I used the spritzers when it looked like bloodshed was about to occur OR when they were doing something that is a huge no-no like walking on the kitchen counter.

          I do agree that spritzers could instill fear and so I did limit my use to situations that were immediate problems and they were not responding to anything else. Additionally, I never sprayed the water on the cat. I sprayed over them or just to either side of them. That one stray droplet of water that landed on them was enough to get their attention.

          The thing to be aware of is that MOST of the time (like 99% of the time) you want your interactions to be pleasant and spritzer-less. The spritzer is just for those moments where nothing else is working. For example: I took my cat off the counter and set her on the floor. For a while this was fine, she would not go back on the counter. Then one day It happened. She jumped back up. I set her on the floor,” no-no-no” AGAIN. So she turned around and jumped up a third time. I got the spritzer. I sprayed just to the side of her so only one or two droplets landed on her. And that got my point across. I make a deliberate point not to spray in anger- no spraying and yelling. And I do not use the spritzer as punishment. Once the animal moves or stops doing other undesirable behavior I instantly put the spritzer down. The spritzer is only for the immediate problem.

          Even the pups learned that when I picked up the spritzer they needed to do as they were told such as get away from the garbage can etc. So there was that middle point where I did not spray them and I just held the spritzer in my hand. Finally both cats and dogs just learned to obey their commands.

          I did adopt one timid adult cat. There was really no need to use a spritzer for her. She was timid. She did collect herself and in later years become much bolder, such as eating out of the dog’s dish WHILE the dog was also eating out of the same dish. That was fun to see her gain so much psychological strength. (The dog handled the problem by simply eating FASTER. She became discouraged by his bucket loader size mouth fulls of food and she gave up. Boy, did his eyebrows go up when she first stuck her face in his dish. ha!)

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I have multiple cats and yeah, this is a Thing that cats sometimes do. It’s to assert themselves as the superior kitty in the house. I don’t feel like you need to break it up unless it’s clear the younger one is in pain or distress.

      2. blaise zamboni*

        Seconding this. When I brought home a kitten, my big male cat (who is normally the definition of chill) started mounting her exactly as you describe, biting the neck and all. She seemed impatient about him interrupting her exploration time, but she wasn’t distressed, and as she grew he stopped the behavior and she became the obviously dominant one of the pair. I asked my vet and she wasn’t concerned at all, even though I was low-key panicking about it. I would make sure Catsby has plenty of options to escape if he wants to–hiding spaces under things that Buddy is too big to reach, high shelves that he can jump to, etc–but as long as he doesn’t seem stressed, they’ll work it out in time.

        Not related to your question, but in my experience, a confident/easy-going cat and a skittish cat are a great combination if they get along (which it sounds like these two do). So I’m hopeful that your cats will be excellent companions for each other for a long time!

        1. Red Sky*

          Yes! I’m hoping they’ll be treated as a bonded pair even tho they’ve only recently been housed together at the shelter and now my house. They really do get along great and Buddy is a huge reassurance to Catsby, who does have plenty of places to hide/escape if Buddy gets too rough.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. They are setting their hierarchy, their pecking order, or who is in charge.
        Dogs will mount humans in the same way. Of course there the answer is “NO NO NO. I am the boss and I am in charge.”

        Animals aren’t like humans, animals do well with having a Top Dog or Top Cat. It comforts them to know someone else is in charge and they don’t have to be in charge. Human beings do not abdicate well like this for the most part, we all want to have final say. haha.
        Interestingly, a pup will nip lightly on the lip of an older dog. That means, “I recognize you as The Boss.” The first time I saw this I thought wth. But the behavior is fine. The older dog will accept the nip with no problem.

    3. WS*

      Definitely a thing that cats do sometimes, including neck biting that doesn’t break the skin. It’s especially common if a male cat wasn’t neutered until fully mature.

  63. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Does anyone in AAM-land use Spectrum Mobile for their phone service? We’re at our wit’s end with AT&T (which raised our rates by $60 per month without warning yesterday), and Spectrum is *substantially* cheaper for us because Spectrum is already our internet provider at home.

    But Spectrum is new at mobile service, so I’m a bit afraid that we’ll switch providers and suddenly have no service anywhere. Should we be worried? (I’m not all that worried about Spectrum’s poor customer service reputation, because you can’t possibly be worse than AT&T at customer service; seriously, I think the New York City MTA offers better customer service.)

    1. Enough*

      Spectrum is using Verizon’s wireless network. Apparently, Verizon owns Spectrum.
      Link to follow.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Interesting, did not know that! I guess that’s both bad and good. Bad because our experiences with Verizon in the past have been about as bad as AT&T. Good because in our area, Verizon mobile service is the gold standard, and Spectrum is much cheaper (though if Spectrum’s cable TV service is any predictor, I’m guessing that’s just a short-term promotional thing and it’ll be just as expensive in two years or so).

    2. FuzzFrogs*

      Do not have experience with Spectrum Mobile but have a backup recommendation in case you get weird feedback: Mint Mobile is extremely reasonable (their most expensive package is for $25/month and even that’s on sale for $15/month right now) and I and my husband have been using Mint for several months now with no complaints. You can use your existing phone as well.

    3. Gatomon*

      I haven’t used Spectrum’s mobile service myself, but I switch from AT&T to Cricket about a year ago with 0 issues. Cricket uses AT&T’s network (they’re owned by AT&T I believe), so if the coverage works for you it may be a good option. You should also be able to use your existing phones as well, just check and see what you’d need to do to unlock them first.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Another vote for Cricket! Especially if you can get together enough friends or family to do the 4 lines/$100 month (unlimited talk, text, and data). We got SO’s parents to share our plan and it’s a great deal!

      2. anon24*

        Yes I definitely recommend Cricket! I used them for a couple years and was very happy with them. I didn’t feel like the service was quite as good as AT&T but it was nothing to complain about. Coverage area was the same, it was just slower during peak hours.

    4. Rebecca*

      I have simple phone needs, and have access to a lot of WiFi, so I use Tracfone service and I have a Samsung Android smartphone. $20 plus tax/fees ($23.17/month, IIRC) for unlimited talk and text, plus 1 gig of data.

    5. Dan*

      I refuse to use AT&T if I have *any* choice. Several years ago, I moved, and the USPS screwed up my address forwarding request. A bunch of bills got sent to the new address, and I wasn’t paying attention. (My fault on that, I know.) When I finally figured out what was going on, I tried to get caught up with everything. Except… my AT&T bill was way higher than I expected for my “last bill”. As in $400 for simple cellular service.

      Because it was so far after the fact, nobody would give me my *actual* bill to prove I owed what they said. Finally, I found a sympathetic ear at AT&T who… sent me the bill. (That’s all I needed.) Turns out they misbilled a bunch of nights and weekends minutes at the day time rate. I did legitimately owe half that, but everybody said there was nothing they could do because, you know.

      So I called the debt collector up, told them I’d pay them $200 on the spot and we’d call it a day, or they’d never see a dime from me.

      They took the $200. (They called it a “partial settlement” but what evs.)

      To this day, I refuse to use AT&T if I have a choice. And I seem to have a lot of choices for cell service.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Yup. That sounds like AT&T. Sorry you had to go through that.

        A few years ago, I “upgraded” phones and they gave me a defective phone. I practically had to stand on my head and beg to finally get it replaced. Why we didn’t switch providers then is anyone’s guess. And now we’re getting a phantom 50% increase in our bill. No thanks.

      2. Gatomon*

        I think we’ve all been burnt by a carrier at one time or another. I still refuse to give money to Verizon after I complained of dropped calls, missed calls and hardware issues with my Blackberry to the support in store. They did a device reset, which I’d already done on my own, and told me to come back in a month if I still had issues. Of course during that month my device warranty expired and they refused to do anything but sell me a new phone for hundreds of dollars because I still had a year left on my contract. I cancelled and switched to AT&T since they were having a promo. Unfortunately those are the only options in my area.

        1. Lcsa99*

          My big issue with Verizon was their customer service. I was living check to check when I first moved to town and noticed that my bill had extra services. Every time I called to have something removed they would add something new that I wouldn’t see until my next bill. It was infuriating!

    6. WellRed*

      I just switched to spectrum mobile. It’s ok, but it’s only been abt 6 weeks. I have one or two areas where I have almost zero coverage. I’ve never had a customer service issue for cable or WiFi.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks for the feedback! When I had Verizon, I had basically no coverage at home but ample coverage at work. On AT&T now, my coverage is flawless at home but spotty at my job. I guess it’s going to be one of those things. Whatever we switch to, we’ll cross our fingers and hope for the best.

        1. CAA*

          If it’s a coverage concern, you might take a look at Google Fi. They switch between Sprint, T-Mobile and U.S. Cellular, though I think you stay on T-Mobile if you don’t have a phone with network switching capability built in. I have a Moto x4 and it’s been great both locally and when traveling internationally.

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            Highly recommend Google Fi as well. To take advantage of the switching, you have to get a Fi-compatible phone, but they have some affordable models in addition to the flagship Pixel phones.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I got Spectrum in Sept and the cell coverage is perfectly fine. No difference from what we had before.

      The only downside is that you have to be very, very careful about your mobile data settings. We went way over our allotment the first month and had to pay extra. Even though we are on WiFi 90 percent of our lives.

      Surprise! It was defaulting to mobile data for background stuff, even when we were signed into wifi. Or going on mobile when the wifi got weak, and not switching back when the signal improved.

      So now we keep all mobile turned off unless we specifically need it, and set a hard limit that turns it off until the bill cycle renews.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Ooh. Interesting. We were debating between unlimited and “by the gig” data so will definitely keep this in mind, though I wonder if that’s a device thing or a Spectrum thing. Either way, that sounds expensive and sucky!

    8. Zona the Great*

      If you have your own device, you might consider pre-pay. I have at&t and it is $40 / month for unlimited data. It never has increased in the 5 years I’ve done it and my plan has always just been grandfathered when their structure changes. I don’t know why more people don’t do this.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        We didn’t have our own devices when we got our current plan, but will do things different next time.

        Thanks to all for the suggestions. Much appreciated. We will likely try Spectrum first because of the price advantage to us. If that doesn’t work, our next move will be anything that’s not owned by or affiliated with AT&T…

        1. Observer*

          How old is your phone? If you are up to date, you may be able to buy out the phone, in which case they have to unlock it for you.

    10. Observer*

      Unless you want to switch phones anyway, look for a carrier that either uses the AT&T network (there are several) or T-Mobile. Most phones that work on one of those will work on the other. If your phone is not that expensive, it might be worth getting a new phone anyway, but it’s just something to be aware of.

  64. Enough*

    Spectrum is using Verizon’s wireless network. Apparently, Verizon owns Spectrum.
    Link to follow.

  65. Jaid*

    I’m going over to my BFF’s for a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner. Normally, I eat with my parents and she goes with her people to a restaurant for Thanksgiving, so BFF decided to have something earlier. Someone described it as a Friendsgiving, which I’m adopting. :-)

    1. Filosofickle*

      I really like Friendsgiving and Orphan Thanksgiving traditions. They’re fun! I used to do those, but my parents moved nearby and they wouldn’t care if I skipped out but my SO’s family is 15 minutes away and they are not. So, kinda stuck there.

  66. Jaid*

    Reading Thread:

    “World of Cultivation” by Fang Xiang. It’s about 800 chapters and I’m 214 chapters in. G-d bless the folks who translate for fun. :-)

    1. Nicki Name*

      Salvation Lost by Peter F. Hamilton. So good, why do I have to wait another year to find out the end of the story, whyyyyyyyyy?

  67. The AJ Croce concert*

    The concert was sooo good! He had 3 band members with him, did a Sam Cooke cover, the last song Jim wrote (which Jim never recorded), a bunch of his own songs and a bunch of Jim’s songs. Doesn’t sound exactly like Jim but has the same timbre (or something) to his voice, and him singing those songs just felt… right. He finished with Time in a Bottle, which started with a recording of Jim playing it in his kitchen, then AJ kicked in. The song was written for AJ, so it was special. As to his own music – WOW! Bluesy, growly, catchy songs and AJ is crazy good on the piano. Well worth a listen!

    1. TimeTravlR*

      I will have to see if he is coming to my area. I loved Jim Croce when I was in high school. Still listen to him!

  68. FuzzFrogs*

    Happy month that Blade Runner takes place in!

    I’m going to be sewing a coat inspired by Rachael’s giant fur coat from the movie. I have 9 yards of faux fur in 4 colors (white with a chevron pattern, light grey with a “rabbit” dappled fur effect; medium-to-dark grey fur with same; black fur with same) and a fairly simple oversized coat pattern from the 80s. Not the same as hers, but along the same lines; after I realized it was going to to more money than I have to match her coat exactly, I decided “inspired by” was going to be good enough.

    The most complicated part is going to be taking the pattern and cutting it up to make patterns for the fur stripes. I need to find a protractor….

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      I love that movie (the original, right?) and I know that coat!!Great job!

      Check out GrowYourOwnClothes dot com for free printable French curves you can use. Print them and glue them onto cardboard and you can use their ends to protract away. And there are lots of online sources including Amazon for rolls of medical paper, which is the stuff they roll over exam chairs at the doctors. I buy rolls of that for pattern drafting and for tracing patterns from books. Happy sewing!

      1. fuzzfrogs*

        I didn’t know about that site!!! Amazing!

        I’ve got a bunch of gift wrap from the local Five Below for pattern drafting because I, inevitably, forget I’m pattern drafting until I do it and then I need the paper Right Then. Will look into the rolls though.

  69. Jdc*

    Crazy week. One of my dogs stopped walking. First she was limping and then couldn’t move at all, wasn’t eating. I was sure she was dying. We took her to the vet yesterday and she has Lyme disease. Never would’ve guessed that. 24 hours of antibiotics later and she’s up and walking, a little shakey. I was so stressed out thinking this was it. I was even more stressed because husband (his dog he had before me) flat out said he wouldn’t put her down. Obviously he would eventually but i realized it would be a very big struggle for him to accept it. I am so thankful she is ok. So for anyone who experiences this ask to check for Lyme disease. Limb “lameness” as they call it is a big symptom but vets often don’t check for it right away according to what I’ve read. Our vet kind of asked to test last minute before she took her back.

    2. Jdc*

      Woke up annoyed with my husband. The dog had pooped in the house and he was ranting and raving to the dog at 4 am. He is a bit of a loud talker and doesn’t realize it. But then he kissed me and put coffee on my nightstand.

      So side note. Is anyone here a cranky morning person and do you have any tricks to deal? Being quiet, having my coffee works for me but at the same time I don’t always have an hour to adjust. Plus I’d like to be able to take a quick nap now and then and not wake up a monster. It is way worse after naps. I’ve always been this way so maybe it just is how I am. I don’t mind being up early, I actually like it, and in general get decent sleep, minus the occasional bad night.

    3. Bluebell*

      When our last dog was 13 he was shaky and having a hard time getting on and off our bed, and we were on the path of “this is natural and part of his getting old.” It ended up being Lyme and he bounced back. He lasted until age 15!

  70. Ali G*

    So we’ve decided to do a non-traditional Thanksgiving this year. I’m excited! No one is a huge fan of turkey and frankly I dislike stuffing and sweet potatoes are banned from my house. So this is what I am making this year:
    French onion soup
    Beef Wellington
    Mashed potatoes
    Roasted brussel sprouts
    Some other veggie side – something lighter – suggestions welcome!
    Bread (store bought)
    The fam brings dessert because I don’t eat it
    I’m just glad to do something different. I’ve been making the same meal for the last like 5 years. I’m glad our guests were on board with no turkey.
    Anyone else not do the traditional fare? We’ll see if this becomes our new traditional or if we go back to the regularly scheduled program next year.

    1. TimeTravlR*

      I don’t really care for turkey so I convinced MIL years ago that it was too much to get a big turkey (we are a small group) so we do a roast chicken now. Still do stuffing because most people like it (not me so much). Fried Jersey gold sweet potatoes, home grown corn (we freeze it in season and eat it all winter!), and mashed potatoes. Roasted brussels sprouts would be an awesome addition!
      My big change is at Christmas. I do a brunch and it’s all things I like/eat as I don’t eat sugar or grains. But everyone eats it all so apparently they don’t miss the traditional stuff!

        1. Coffee Bean*

          I’m from south Jersey!! I might invite myself to your Thanksgiving ;) it sounds really delicious!

    2. ThatGirl*

      One year I made a great salad: baby spinach, Granny Smith apples, spicy-sweet pecans, goat cheese and a vinaigrette.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I did a similar one – spinach, gala apples, smoked almonds, sharp cheddar and apple cider dijon vinaigrette :) It was quite popular!

    3. Jenny*

      The thing about turkeys is that generally a bigger bird is harder to cook without drying it out (and it takes forever). Of course there are workarounds, but I am all for eating something other than turkey because it’s simply easier to cook something else.

      1. Ali G*

        This is so true. I’ve been smoking our turkey for the last few years to free up space in the oven and also to not dry out the bird. But really, we don’t really want it!!

    4. Sometimes Always Never*

      Love your menu! I’m suggesting it for this year, thank you (not a big fan of turkey). But as a nod to the holiday and tradition, I may also have some kind of salad with cranberries or another cranberry dish; not too sweet, not too tart, sounds good to me. (Can you tell it’s dinner time here)

    5. Alexandra Lynch*

      My mother unilaterally decided that not only is she not doing Thanksgiving on the Thursday, but she is not doing a traditional menu.
      So I will be going to her house the Sunday before and eating chicken pot pie and applesauce and rolls, with ice cream to follow.

      Fortunately this stunt leaves me open to cook a traditional Thanksgiving dinner for my boyfriend’s family and eat a traditional meal on the day with them.

    6. Sylvan*

      Ham or chicken biscuits. :)

      Non-US translation: very salty ham in a fluffy scone-textured bread. A thin cut of chicken is a good substitute for ham. No cookies involved!

      I made a roasted Brussels sprouts dish from Saveur with bacon every year for a while, as well as roasted onions. Those Brussels sprouts were the star of the show.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I usually do a turkey, but I also have done other entrees – veggie lasagne, roast beef, ham.

      My usual veggie sides are Alton Brown’s glazed carrots, homemade cranberry sauce*, roasted Brussels sprouts, a salad of some sort, or just a regular old veggie platter with a fancy dip.

      *bag of cranberries, 3/4 cup of orange juice, half cup of sugar, crockpot a couple hours until it’s sauce-like – I usually make it earlier in the week and fridge it to serve chilled on the day of. I’ve added a bit of candied ginger in the past too, and that’s been well-received.

    8. Ginny Weasley*

      My family started having brunch foods instead of turkey a few years ago. We always ate dinner around 1, and we still do, but now instead of turkey etc. we have quiche, bacon, ham, muffins, hash brown casseroles, pancakes or waffles, toast, fruit with custard, and whatever other brunch foods we want with lots of coffee and mimosas. I’m a fan of it :)

    9. Liane*

      The last couple Thanksgivings, we have gotten dinners from a Mediterranean restaurant. Year round, they offer a “4 Person Feast” with entree, basmati rice or roasted potatoes, and giant Greek salad for under $30 while the grocery stores here charge $50 for their premade dinners (small turkey or ham, 2 sides, rolls, maybe a pie).
      Daughter has developed an allergy to red meats (side effect of tick bites, as I mentioned a few weeks ago), so, since you can only pick a single entree for Feast, we will have to get her a separate chicken dinner. But even with that and buying a pie, we’ll still come out a little ahead.

    10. Parenthetically*

      We had neighbors for years who all (except Mom) hated the “traditional” Thanksgiving things, so they went back and forth between a big from-scratch lasagna and something Mexican — enchiladas or tamales, usually. We always snuck over a plate of our “traditional” meal for Mom, bless her.

      Don’t know if it counts as “light,” but roasted butternut squash with sage, onions, garlic, chili flakes, goat cheese, and pecans is definitely going to find its way onto a holiday table this year. It’s such a beautiful flavor combination!

    11. Filosofickle*

      Beef wellington FTW! Mom makes it for Christmas some years…I should start lobbying for that soon. :D

      Hands down, my fav story about me as a little kid is that when I turned 4 I asked for Beef Wellington for birthday dinner.

      For Thanksgiving I have to eat with my SO’s family and their food is lousy, cold, and 4 hours late. I wish I was eating at your house. Or my Mom’s. Or, anywhere really.

    12. LilySparrow*

      For a light but slightly traditional-ish veggie, I do a version of succotash.

      Saute onion & red bell pepper in a little butter or olive oil, then deglaze with about 1/2 to 1 cup broth. Add fresh summer squash, haricots verts, fresh or frozen corn, thyme, and salt/pepper. Cook till tender-crisp.

      You get your “three sisters,” but it’s so nice and light, really tasty and a bit different than the expected goopy green bean casserole, and a good contrast to roasted veg. Super easy, too.

    13. legalchef*

      I’m a big fan of something acidic as a side with heavier foods. I’d make a cucumber-fennel salad (cucumbers and fennel sliced thin on a mandoline or with good knife skills, tossed w a mixture of white vinegar, rice wine vinegar, salt, white pepper, evoo, sugar to taste)

    14. Anonymous Celebrity*

      I haven’t done the traditional Thanksgiving fare for decades. To me, it’s tasteless. All that work to create what is, to me, incredibly bland food.

      I like flavor. I have Mexican, Indian or Italian food for Thanksgiving. Everyone seems to like it (I’m middle aged and so are my friends). The only traditional Thanksgiving food I like is pumpkin pie. Oh, and mince pie…but that I have to make myself because it’s difficult to find a ready-made one at a grocery store or bakery around here (inland SF Bay Area).

      The Pilgrims had to make do. I don’t! I’m not a big fan of traditional anyways…

    15. Rebecca*

      If I could get a wild turkey, or a turkey with all dark meat, I’d do it. I buy turkey thighs and legs at the meat counter during the year because it just tastes good to me! I don’t like white meat, to me it has a weird consistency, is dry and gross, and honestly, I think if you have to put gravy on meat to make it edible, well, I’d rather not eat it at all.

      Suggestion for a side dish – my daughter makes something with butternut squash, leeks, and goat cheese, it’s to die for!

  71. C Average*

    Sick cat question for y’all.

    I have a 10-year-old indoor cat who started vomiting a lot just over a week ago. Now, I know cats vomit a fair amount, especially this cat–she has a sensitive stomach and a tendency to overgroom, so I’m used to picking up hairballs.

    But she’s always been the puke-and-rally type, and it was clear this was different. There was a lot of puke, day after day, with no apparent hairballs. And she wasn’t rallying. She was listless and wouldn’t purr or look me in the eye. She just wanted to lie in the windowsill and be left alone, which is really unusual behavior for her.

    So I took her to the vet and they gave her IV fluids and antiemetics and an appetite stimulant. So long as I kept her doses up, she seemed fine. As soon as I tried to taper her off the meds, the vomiting started again and her energy plummeted.

    I’m now out of meds, and my cat is still sick.

    The vet also ran a battery of tests to rule out kidney and pancreas issues, and those all came back clean. They said the next step if she didn’t recover was an ultrasound to make sure there isn’t an internal mass. The vet made clear that this test seldom provides answers; it just rules out one possibility.

    I’m not sure how to proceed. My cat is clearly in distress. The ultrasound is expensive and may not offer answers. I’m not sure what happens after the ultrasound.

    I do know that I won’t consider anything invasive for this cat. She is anxious and sensitive and hates trips to the vet and hates change of any kind. I’ll clean up as much puke as I have to if she seems like an otherwise happy cat, but I’m not sure how to best gauge her quality of life.

    I really don’t know what to do.

    Have any fellow cat owners experienced anything like this?

    1. fposte*

      No experience for you, but maybe a question to think about asking your vet. What’s the risk of keeping her on the meds? (Could you swing that financially?) And often vets are good with specific questions like “If this were your cat and you knew surgery or intensive treatment wasn’t a possibility, what would you do?”

      1. C Average*

        That’s definitely something I plan to ask the vet about! The antiemetic is OTC and has been approved for long-term use for dogs but not cats, so I’d be doing that at my own risk. The appetite stimulant is prescription, so the vet would need to be on board with that. I’m hoping that’s an option.

        (Yes, as a matter of fact I have been Googling these things extensively! Since the appetite stimulant is also an antidepressant used on humans, God only knows what I’m going to start getting ads for now.)

        1. mac and cheese*

          I had an elderly cat that got pancreatitis and then never really got over it, he would vomit and stop eating if the appetite stimulants and anti-emetic (cerenia in this case) stopped. Lymphoma bloodwork test came back negative, best guess is that it was a combination of IBD and other issues. I kept him on daily Cerenia for an entire year, no breaks, plus prednisolone and either mirtazapine or cyproheptadine, until he took a turn for the worse (which seemed unrelated to the meds, might have been lymphoma). Halfway through the year, I added on sub-q fluids at home. After an initial rocky period, we got into a really good groove for a long time, with the cat feeling good and eating well and taking the meds easily. When that changed, it was pretty clear that it was time to stop.

          The cerenia was the most expensive part of this, definitely shop around for drugs, including online. The best deal I got was buying the fluid packs at Costco with a discount prescription card for pets that I found somewhere online. My vet charged $25 for a single fluid pack and venoset, I got a box of a dozen fluid packs at Costco for $20 and then bought a bunch of needles and venosets online.

          1. C Average*

            Thanks a lot for this response. Those are the two meds (cerenia and mirtazepine) the vet gave her, so it’s really helpful to hear that you were able to use them long term. I’m glad they bought you some quality time with your kitty.

      2. C Average*

        Also, thank you for obliquely acknowledging that money is a factor. Like most people, I am (alas) on a budget. I’ve definitely encountered people who act like you’re a heartless monster if you don’t open a line of credit to exhaust every possible avenue for treating a sick pet. I can’t pretend money isn’t a concern for me. By the time I get the scan done, I’ll have spent well north of a thousand dollars, none of which I can really afford.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          The other thing you mentioned was that your cat is anxious and sensitive. I am currently a dog person, but my last dear girl barely could tolerate the subcutaneous fluid and just shook and cried during each administration/ordeal. It was heartbreaking. I decided I was doing it for me, not her… she was clearly miserable. I talked to the vet. Your mileage may vary but I decided that I needed to think about her, not others opinions, not the expectations of my “mortgage your soul” acquaintances. (those who really know me, know that I will go above and beyond, but I could look in her eyes and see she was … worn out and done.). So… my very pragmatic vet and I partnered on a plan (if this, then that). I also truly believe I will see each of my beloved fur babies again, so on the other side of the bridge… I will be met by them. So…support here from me. You do what you can. She’s had a good life with you.

          1. C Average*

            Yeah, this is where I land. I see how she suffers when I (the person she trusts) cram her into her carrier for the vet trip or hold her down so I can get pills down her throat. (She has never been interested in treats or wet food, so this seems to be the only way to pill her.) These are minimally invasive things I know I’m doing out of love for her, but she hates them. I can’t imagine putting her through painful treatments. I think it would destroy her trust in me, which I won’t do.

            Before I adopted her, she was rejected by several would-be adopters (I don’t know why–she’s a wonderful cat), and I have been the one constant in her life since then. I adore this cat and will do all I can to help her live long and well.

    2. Astra Nomical*

      We’re currently going through something similar with our 19 (!) year old cat.
      She had a seizure, and we’ve since discovered it was caused by a bleed on her brain. She also has a mass on her liver. All of that sounds bad, but the bleed can be treated with medication and the liver isn’t critical right now.
      I am so grateful to have a high earning partner who loves her as much as I do, because I know I could never afford any of the tests or medications she needs. If money is a deciding factor here, most vets will enter into a payment plan. But, it’s a difficult decision to make. I really feel for you, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope she gets better.

    3. Red Sky*

      Just from watching a lot of the vet shows on TV, I’ve seen similar symptoms in dogs and cats when they’ve eaten a foreign object that gets stuck somewhere along the GI tract. Sometimes they’ll wait to see if it passes on it’s own, but usually they’ll have to do surgery to remove the blockage. I think most of these situations are only detectable with an x-ray or ultrasound tho.

      1. cat socks*

        My thought too was that there might be some kind of blockage, especially with the constant vomiting.

        I’m so sorry, this is a difficult situation. Veterinary care is so expensive for animals. If the ultrasound shows that is is a blockage, then you already know that invasive care like surgery is not an option. And surgery and hospitalization is a further expense.

        Is the appetite stimulant Mirtazapine? I had a cat on that medicine and my vet did not have concerns with her being on it long term.

        Definitely check with the vet to see if you can manage this with medication. I think if she stops improving with the medication, then you will need to assess her quality of life. You’re doing the best you can for your kitty and I hope she shows improvement.

        1. C Average*

          Yes, it’s mirtazepine. It’s good to hear that it worked for you as a long-term solution.

          I’m wondering if it was a blockage. None of the vomit has contained hairballs, but today I got up to find that she’d horked up a HUGE hairball–like, seriously, I don’t know how a cat her size contained a hairball that size. She seems in better spir, and she wanted more food. Maybe she’s just had that thing stuck in her gut for a week? I’m cautiously hopeful!

          1. Venus*

            That would be wonderful if true! Fingers and paws crossed.

            Money is part of the factor, as is the benefit of the test and the consequences. If there was a blockage, would she realistically survive the surgery? What is the likelihood that she consumed something that would cause a blockage (I have an indoor cat who never eats anything, so there is no chance it would be a foreign body blockage). The furball makes a lot of sense in that context.

            If a test will only rule one very unlikely thing out, and that test is expensive, then I’m not likely to take the test. Also, if the consequence of the test is that it will require a simple fix, then why not just do that fix? For example, it used to be $20 for a stool sample at the vet, and $20 for a deworming pill, so I just bought the pill. I had a friend whose cat had strange symptoms, and the vet essentially said that they could do a $1000 test which would give them a diagnosis, but it was either a very rare but deadly condition which would kill her within a couple weeks, or it would resolve on its own. There was no point in doing the test as there was no fix to the deadly problem, which gave my friend comfort in knowing that they had done the best possible. Sadly, within a week they had their answer, but most importantly they had no regrets.

            I know it’s really hard. Best of luck to you in balancing everything out, and keeping her healthy. She’ll let you know when the time is right.

    4. Pam*

      I think another question is ‘ will the ultrasound show anything that can easily be fixed?’ If not, maybe don’t bother, and let her live out her time as long as she is comfortable.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Can you rule out new plants being nibbled that are toxic? Is there any chance someone put down pesticides she encountered? (Including her catching mice that were poisoned outside?)

      1. C Average*

        Fortunately, yes! She is an indoor cat and she’s confined to a part of the house where there are no plants. She’s also not the sort of cat who eats weird things.

    6. Hazy days*

      I haven’t yet had to face this problem with the current cat, but I have already decided that I would not look for treatment that involves things she finds distressing, which includes being picked up, being put in a box, being in a noisy environment, being looked at, etc.
      Basically I think my current cat couldn’t cope with a whole load of things previous cats did manage. She was rehomed with me as an experienced cat re-homer, on the understanding she would have particular needs, and I think that medical treatment would be very traumatising for her.
      So yes, at some point I will need to have her put to sleep instead of having treatment, which is not cheerful for me to know, but is I think my responsibility with this particular cat.
      I wanted you to know that someone else has also thought about the issue and has decided against treatment that would distress the cat.

      1. C Average*

        Thanks so much for this perspective. Mitzy’s and my situation is somewhat similar–she was unsuccessfully adopted out before I adopted her, and she has really learned to love and trust me, and I don’t think that relationship would survive me becoming her perceived instrument of torture. So we will have as much good time together as we can. I hope it’s a long time.

    7. ouchie*

      Sounds like feline diabetes to me. I’m sure your vet has tested your cat’s blood sugar? Done a glucose curve?

    8. C Average*

      Thanks so much for all your suggestions, questions, and kind thoughts.

      Mitzy coughed up a giant hairball–seriously, this thing was half the size of the actual cat–and seems much better today. She’s vocal, affectionate, and interested in food again. I’m cautiously optimistic that the big hairball was the thing causing her so much distress.

      If the problem recurs I will probably spring for the ultrasound and if that’s inconclusive, I’ll talk to the vet about keeping her on cerenia and mirtazepine. I’ll also make sure diabetes is ruled out.

      It’s been clarifying to think about how I’ll make end-of-life decisions. I hope those decisions are years away.

      My partner, who’s a (human) doctor, says the clinical term for a hairball is “bezoar,” which I think would be a great name for a cat.

      1. Red Sky*

        Thank you for this update! I’ve been rooting for you and Mitzy, and just know we can all tell you are doing your best to give this cat a good home and lots of love and care, and really that’s all any of us can do.

        Also, I think it was someone here who asked ‘would you rather be too soon or too late’ when making an end-of-life decision for a beloved pet. This really helped me decide that he’d been thru enough and less suffering is what mattered the most in my cat’s situation when making that decision last year.

      2. Cobalt*

        My cat had a similar issue about 5 years ago. We did the ultrasound. We even sprang for exploratory surgery! No conclusions. After that, I decided I could not put any more money into trying to find a solution. She miraculously woke up the next day, just fine. We never did find out what happened. I suspect she somehow got into a pesticide of some sort. 5 years later, she’s still perfectly fine. Hope your kitty is also fine!

      3. willow19*

        My long-haired cat also gets lethargic and cranky and then horks up a big hairball and seems to feel better. Can you ask your vet about the hairball remedy that comes in a tube that the cat licks and it kind of consolidates the hairball and lets it pass (poop) more readily? Or maybe butter, or Vaseline, they can do the same thing. You cat should like one of the three at least – mine goes nuts for Vaseline.

  72. TheatreGirl*

    Re: your book recommendation – I have that on hold at my library, but I absolutely LOVED Walker’s previous book, The Age of Miracles, and have read it many times. It’s about what happens when the Earth slows down, but very realistic. Glad to see another book from her!

  73. Astra Nomical*

    Huge thanks to Alison for her book recs. I’ve been going through her annual lists and found some real gems!
    Guys, what book are you reading?

    2. Jenny*

      The Night Circus. The plot meanders a bit but her descriptions are imaginative and worth the whole read.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Currently reading the 6th Maisie Dobbs, Among the Mad, but also about to pick up the delightful Lucy Worsley’s newish Jane Austen at Home. I’m a casual Austenite and a big fan of Lucy Worsley, so when I randomly came across it at the library, I had to bring it home.

    5. Kimberlee, No Longer Esq.*

      I’ve been reading John Hodgman’s latest memoir-ish book, Medallion Status. I didn’t read his last book, though I’ve been a fan of his since the Daily Show; I was drawn to this one because it’s all about the perks you get from being a minor celebrity, and how it feels when those perks melt away as you lose the tiny bit of fame you once had. It’s not fully relateable, exactly, but it’s an interesting story and I’m a fan of his style of humor. Lots of fun anecdotes so far!

    6. WellRed*

      I just finished rereading Grisham’s The Firm. Published in 91. Some of the language would not fly today. Can’t remember the last time I came across “a Mulatto.”

    7. OtterB*

      I am rereading the Comfortable Courtesan series. Reads like a memoir from regency era England, the main character’s voice is delightful and you get to follow the stories of her household and her ever-expanding list of friends including LGBTQ and PoC. It does take a little getting used to the period style and vocabulary. Not like reading a romance novel, like sitting down with a friend for a good gossip.

  74. Me*

    Two more nights in this house. That’s it. NO MORE DOGS BARKING. No more parrot screeching. No more of this dumb town.

    I still have packing to do. It’s hard to pack stuff when you’re still using it. I took the last bit to the thrift store today; anything else will go in the bin, other than stuff I’m leaving for the house buyer. I signed the closing papers yesterday and they’ll be closing on Tuesday (walk-through Monday evening). My realtor will drop the check at my bank (I already talked to them), who will deposit it along with cash for the furniture the buyer is buying. I’m leaving house/cleaning stuff -not crap- that he might need and if he doesn’t, he can pitch it.

    Now to figure out an inoffensive (read: won’t start a fight) way to convince relative that I neither need nor want her help job hunting. I do not have the bandwidth to explain to her that she doesn’t know anything about me professionally, I don’t want her talking about me to people, and I don’t need her to clip newspaper ads. What I need is to be able to focus.

    I’m so scared about this that I almost backed out before signing the papers.

    1. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Ideas: Can you channel your relative into something helpful she CAN do? (Like, thanks, relative, but everything’s on the internet these days, but while I am busy filling out job applications online and doing research it would be so helpful if you could make Sunday dinner/walk the dog/take mum out to lunch (unless it is your mum)/make a pot of coffee in three hours so I can focus?) Do you have enough bandwidth to send a note or email with some of the info you mentioned above? Can you just say, I’m going to work hard on this and I’ll let you know if anything big happens but it stresses me out to talk about it – so let’s not? Or just check with her for like 5 minutes a day/week/never and make up a bunch of metrics to tell her how the hunt is going. Ha! (Just take any newspaper ads and ignore them.) I’ve read a lot of your posts and I think you’ll be ok!

      1. Me*

        It is my mum, but she’ll be working during the day (she works at home) and I’ll be in another level of the house, so I can stay out of her way most of the time. I like your suggestion about telling her it stresses me out to talk about it. And the touching base.

        1. Natalie*

          Can she be deflected with “thanks, I’ll look into that” and then just doing whatever you were going to do anyway?

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      Coming here to wish you a calm transition and relocation, and then good luck deflecting the relative’s misguided assistance. You might want to build into your routine regular visits to the public library, either to job-hunt or just have some quiet, cost-free solitude.
      Since your relative doesn’t know anything about your professional life, my guess is that even if she talks about you it won’t derail your long-term objectives, because she won’t be talking to anyone with whom you would connect professionally.
      I’m sending you good thoughts and vibes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  75. Aphrodite*

    Thanks to everyone who explained USB cables and chargers to me. It helped so much. I live in southern California and power outages with all the fires are strong possibilities. Thankfully I was not impacted but I am now ready for any future problems. I ended up buying the ToughLight lantern (https://www.amazon.com/Tough-Light-LED-Rechargeable-Lantern/dp/B07BJ8JL6R). Expensive but worth it. I also bought this flashlight (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07PHQF4HY/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1). Both are recharageable, which is important to me. As I can afford it, I will add more of both so I have plenty available.

  76. OG Karyn*

    Today, my sister told my family that she and her husband are having a baby! My parents have no other grandkids (my brother and I are disappointments in the relationship department) so they are, clearly, over the moon. And I’m also happy for my sister and brother-in-law, of course – they are wonderful people and will be amazing parents. I’m thrilled to be getting a niece or nephew of my own as well. The video my sister took of my parents opening the little package to see a onesie is adorable – and you can hear me screaming and crying with glee in the background.

    But I can’t help but feel just a little sad. I’ve had two miscarriages, both of which I kept from my family because they were both “chemical” (meaning in the first couple months of conception) and they were both unplanned. I was in relationships with the guys, but one was long-distance and the other was abusive AF. I thought I had processed all these feelings in therapy over the past five years, but it appears I haven’t. I feel terrible for not being happier, or, rather, for being envious.

    I just got out of a two year relationship last May, with someone who I thought I’d be getting married and having kids with. And now I’m back to being 34, single, childless, and living with my parents until I can move out again in May when the weather is better and more options are available to me for apartments. Even worse, when I told my ex that my sister is pregnant (we’ve remained friends, and at any rate, half my stuff is still in his house so I at least have to be civil for a while), his response was, and I quote: “It must be surreal to have your baby sister becoming a mom.” Like, gee, thanks for reminding me that I’m old, childless, and single. I know he didn’t intend it that way – he just has absolutely zero filter between his brain and his mouth). But it caused everything to just sort of run rampant in my brain today, when I should be happier than anything. I feel jealous and selfish and like a really, really bad sister.

    Has anyone else gone through something like this?

    1. Parenthetically*

      My baby brother had five (FIVE) kids before I met my now-husband. I FEEL you on that, so much. And while I didn’t have a miscarriage before I got married, I had one at the end of last year, so all my sympathy and solidarity with that as well.

      It’s okay for you to feel how you feel. It doesn’t make you a bad sister, even if you really take some time to lean into those “jealous and selfish” feelings (which are also fine). Sit with them, explore them, tell them they’re allowed. You can feel simultaneously excited for your sister, thrilled to be welcoming a new little one to the family, AND sad, confused, angry, frustrated, jealous, and whatever other feelings float to the surface. It’s all part of the journey. Grief and joy can coexist.

      I thought I had processed all these feelings in therapy over the past five years, but it appears I haven’t.

      Oh gosh, I’m 100% sure you’d processed them to a level/in a way that worked for where you were! But this brand new huge life event has exposed new places where that stuff still needs to be integrated, which is sooooo normal! Sending you lots of internet hugs if you want them and all the “be kind to yourself” vibes too. :)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Great observation about levels. Thinking of the grieving process in general terms it is pretty normal to have something new trigger old griefs. It’s helpful to realize that grief does not “just go away”. Our losses become a part of us and a part of our life stories. It’s okay to remember old sadnesses. It would be good if “grief could remember its place” and not rear up with bad timing. But that is grief, it has bad timing.

        OP, it is normal (confusing but normal) to have two opposite emotions at the same time. You can be genuinely happy for your sis and also be genuinely sad over your own losses. Instead of pushing your sadness to one side as if it’s really not there, take some quiet time to acknowledge your own legit feelings. This could be taking a walk, listening to music, eh, sometimes I go to bed early just to think and pray before falling asleep. It’s okay to take time for your own stuff and your own processing.

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      Not exactly the same but I have infertility and wanted more than 1 child. I’m really grateful to have 1 but I expected to have more and it never worked. I had a very hard time as all my friends and family had babies.

      It is really painful and I think you should be gentle with yourself and your feelings. It is ok to feel what you feel and to feel both happy and unhappy about the news at the same time. I have learned that it helps me to have one really good friend in my corner who just takes my side no matter what. Maybe that works for you too or you have another self care method that is your go to.

      I know how painful other women’s pregnancies can be and I wish you all the best as you navigate this period.

  77. Goldfinch*

    Anyone have experience with gallstones?

    I’ve been struggling with severe GERD for several years, and my GP put her foot down and demanded I stop taking PPIs, so I’ve been undergoing testing. My health web portal shows that an ultrasound threw a positive for gallstones, but I have more testing coming up in 3 weeks, and won’t see the specialist until those results are in, too.

    Just wanted to get an idea of what might be coming. I’ve already completely changed my diet and lost 20 pounds, but any personal stories would be helpful.

    1. Fikly*

      Not me, but my dad had them. They caused episodes of pancreatitis for him, so watch out for that. Took him ages to get diagnosed, because he is a middle aged man and refused to seek help during those episodes, so never got the blood work done when in acute pancreatitis, which would have shown the problem.

    2. Myrin*

      I had them, but I only found that out last February during an ultrasound to find out what in the hell that big lump I’d developed in the lower part of my stomach was – turns out it was my (misplaced!) gallbladder which at this point had become a hydrops, meaning Way Too Big. It got taken out in April so that solved the whole problem for me, so I guess my personal tip would be to really keep an eye on whether the stones are moving and to immediately have them checked out should you feel anything out of the ordinary in the general gallbladder area.

      Also, be aware of colics – I only realised I’d had one after I found out that whole stuff about my gallbladder but it was literally the worst pain I’d ever experienced in my entire life. At the time, had I known what colics feel like, I’d have gone to the doctor immediately afterwards and maybe the hydrops could have been prevented.

      On the other hand, I know two middle-aged women who’ve had gallstones for decades (we’ve talked about this regarding my own surgery) and they’re doing just fine apparently simply going about their lives. Seems like there’s no “one type fits all” advice here, but maybe my comment still helped regarding what could happen.

    3. Sparrow*

      Having gallstones seen on an ultrasound is pretty common- something like 25% of US adults have them, but only a small fraction of those are actively causing problems. If the gallstone is just there in the gallbladder, it can sit there for years without issues. The problems are if it gets stuck and causes a blockage, then you get pain or infection.
      Also, rapid weight loss can increase gallstone formation. Your specialist can help you figure out if your symptoms are related to gallstones and, if so, what your treatment options are. Good luck!

    4. Nynaeve*

      My dad and my coworker both recently had gallstones and had surgery to remove their gallbladder. My coworker’s surgery was quick, done through robotic incision, and no complications. She had surgery on Thursday and was back at work the following Tuesday with no problems, just some muscle stiffness and soreness. My dad’s gallstones caused pancreatitis, so he was in the hospital for 42 days and had to have surgery to put an abdominal feeding tube in because he wasn’t able to eat solid foods for quite a while. He’s finally doing better, which is a huge relief.

      Basically, the problem is not the gallstones themselves, but that they tend to block ducts to other organs and that can cause complications (like pancreatitis). If you catch the problem early and treat it (usually surgically, but not always), the risk is low.

      MedlinePlus, Mayo Clinic, and WebMd all have pretty good summaries of what gallstones are, symptoms, treatment options, and complications.

      I hope it all goes smoothly for you and that your experience is closer to my coworker’s than my dad’s!

  78. Randomity*

    What can I do on Christmas Day?
    I am volunteering on Boxing Day but applied too late for a Christmas Day slot :(

    Kid will be with my ex. No family around – I’ll be seeing them for new year which is plenty. I will be cooking the parts of Christmas dinner that I really care about and leaving everything else out, and I’ll be getting a new book. Other than that I guess I’ll curl up with the cats and watch Prime or Netflix.

    It won’t be the worst day in the world, but I’m just highly aware that I’ll be alone from Christmas Eve afternoon (Tues) until the Saturday, other than the volunteering.

    Maybe I’ll see if I can volunteer at a Christmas Day parkrun actually. If there’s a local one.

    Just feeling a bit sorry for myself I guess. But there are worse situations to be in.

    1. Her name is Anne she has no other*

      Last Christmas day – and NYD as well – I decided to use the bike hire scheme my city has and enjoyed my first bike rides in over 20 years!
      Can you arrange to see a friend or two?

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      If it weren’t Christmas, and you had the day off, what would you want to do? Not everything is closed on Christmas. Or is there some chore or task you’ve been putting off that you could do and be able to feel good about? You could go to a movie, some ski slopes are open Christmas Day, probably some museums too.

    3. Randomity*

      The only walkable parkrun isn’t on on Christmas Day this year. Oh well.
      Friends – maybe. There’s only one friend I’d ask who lives locally so walk-able. I’ll hopefully see her tomorrow so will sound her out, but there’s a good chance she’ll be away with her family. But I won’t know until I ask.
      99% of the time I feel much better off being divorced but Christmas is hard.

    4. Not A Manager*

      * Get something done: Pick a task that you’ve been wanting to accomplish, and do that over your days off. Re-organizing the linen closet, etc. Rejoice in your progress each day.

      * Pamper yourself: Plan a “me day” of hot baths, chilled wine, good books, etc.

      * Distract yourself: Go see a movie, take a long walk, work out.

      * Be selfless: Even if you can’t volunteer, I’m sure there is a nursing home or retirement community where they’d love to have you come and sit with people and create some Christmas cheer.

    5. Not enough coffee*

      Vacation? As a poor college student I travelled on Christmas Day a lot. Fares are low and lines are short and everyone is super friendly!

    6. Ludo*

      I had Christmas alone last year and loved it

      I picked out a holiday movie (home alone 2) and a personal favorite movie to have ready to watch, and the months leading up to Christmas I bought myself tons of presents to open up on Christmas morning and I had my favorite food and treats

      I think it’s one of those things where you can feel a bit blue about it or just try and embrace it and make it all about you

    7. WS*

      Travel! Where I live all the public transport is free on Christmas Day, so a whole lot of Muslim families come from the city to my area for a big picnic by the sea. Check out what’s available in your area and go somewhere!

    8. Anon time*

      Go out for a movie and get Chinese food after? Or plan a really cozy day- your favorite foods for each meal, especially ones your kids don’t like, your favorite movies, taking a bath (if you like that), or other pampering activity.
      Hitting up after Christmas sales- window shopping even if you don’t buy anything. Taking a good walk, with a bath after to warm up. I hope it’s a good weekend, if not your ideal.

    9. Aphrodite*

      It depends on where you live, what the weather is like, what events your town has going on, and what you like or would like to do. But here are some ideas that might help:

      Ahead of time, buy yourself the presents you have been putting off. Practical and smaller things like bandaids, toothbrushes, lotion, a special spice or tea, maybe a tiny candle, ribbon, and more can become stocking stuffers That’s right; get yourself a gorgeous stocking that you love either from a home decor store like Hayneedle, Ballard, West Elm, Wayfair and stuff it to the max! Let it hang so you see it all month–but do not open until Christmas. Your larger present(s) just beg to be opened in slow order, like all day and evening. Most families open in the morning but I like to spread it out. Maybe the biggest, most anticipated gift at dinner? And make yourself a very special dinner, which need not be fancy. Maybe it would be nachos but make them very pretty and extra delicious!

      What events does your town do all month? Mine goes crazy and you can do so much for free or low cost. These range from professional productions of The Nutcracker and concerts (the highest cost events) to walking around downtown where it is all lighted up and stores are full of lights, music and events. All these events are printed in our local weekly newspaper and their website.

      Do check out the eve and day events at churches even if you never go otherwise. I do not attend any church nor do I have any religious feelings whatsoever but I love going to the music events they offer.

      Artists’ fairs and so on. No need to buy; the looking is fantastic.

      Driving and/or walking tours in various areas to look at lights. This would be great on Christmas eve and Christmas day.

      Have an indoor (or outdoor if possible) picnic. Make it near the/a tree.

      Here are some ideas too: https://www.houzz.com/magazine/24-simple-pleasures-and-treats-for-your-holiday-countdown-stsetivw-vs~115231197

    10. Anon Here*

      I usually spend Christmas and Thanksgiving alone. I like to go for a long walk outdoors and appreciate being alone in the woods or other natural setting. I reflect and work on creative projects. I cook good food. It can be really nice.

  79. The Other Dawn*

    Well, the two barn kitties have been let out of their cages today. I checked a few hours ago and they’re gone. I’m hoping they come back since there’s food and water in there.

    During the course of the last couple weeks we seem to have acquired another barn kitty. We’ve seen him around the neighborhood from time to time over the last couple years. I heard a noise in the hay loft when feeding the two that were in cages and, as I was walking out of the barn, a fluffy orange and white cat came tearing out of the barn window and across the lawn. So I started leaving food for him near the window.

    Then today, after I opened the cages, I see another cat–orange and white short-hair–come strutting up the walkway from the barn! He went and sat in my garden for a bit. So, it would seem I have four barn kitties to feed. I guess word got around that I’m a sucker for cats.

    1. cat socks*

      I live in the suburbs and our house seems to have a homing beacon for stray cats. Over the past two years there have been four strays that are now my indoor cats. There are a couple of friendly neighborhood cats that I feed outside. They are neutered but I’m not sure if their families moved and left them behind or if they are indoor/outdoor kitties. They come by regularly for food so I think it’s the former. There is also a new semi-feral guy that’s coming around. I need to trap him so I can get him neutered.

      It’s getting cold and I’ve been feeding the friendly strays in the garage and I keep the door cracked slightly if they want to get out. One stayed there for a while in a cat bed I have set up, but then ended up running off.

      I sort of wish I lived out in the country so I could have a barn or shed to provide some shelter. I’ve made outdoor cat shelters before out of straw and storage boxes, but I’m not sure if any of these outdoor guys will use it.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I would just make sure they’re all spayed/neutered, or your population is going to explode. If you need help trapping them, check for TNR groups in your area.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        The two I took on as barn cats are Spayed/neutered. The other two look well fed so I assume they belong to someone but see me as a source of food.

  80. Not enough coffee*

    Anyone compost? Tips/tricks? My family realized how much food waste we throw out and started a food scrap bin to use in compost. We’ve mixed in chopped up leaves etc.

    But my kids are super into it! And heck I can support them in getting excited. What setup do you have?

    1. Breast Solidarity*

      We live in the country so we have a couple 4-sided pallets (basically pallet sized boxes without front or top) and we do lazy composting. We just pile and let it be. First one side, then the other. By the time one side is full the other is ready for use.

      We don’t bother about ratios or turning or anything. Compost happens.

      If you have less space you probably want to do things to keep it hot so it it turns to compost faster. That is where ratios of browns to greens and turning come in. When I lived in the city, though, I took a metal trash can, poked a LOT of holes in it with a nail and hammer, and used that for compost, and it worked fine.

      Good luck!

      1. Not enough coffee*

        We are in the burbs and have a lot of wooded space, so we can do something lazy/big. I just don’t want it super ugly as I will likely be able to see it from the house if it goes beyond the small thing we put behind our garage.

    2. LilySparrow*

      We slacked off this year after we neglected the kitchen scraps and got fruit flies really badly.

      Inside, we use an enamelled bowl with a lid for daily scraps. Outside, we have two big plastic garbage cans with tight-fitting lids and holes drilked in the bottom. We let the stuff rot down in there till its unrecognizeable, to keep the vermin out. (We get possums, trash pandas, all kinds of nonsense). I’ll throw some shredded paper or dry leaves in sometimes, too.

      Then we dump the half-done wet stuff into an open pile and mix with straw, pinestraw, leaves, dry grass clippings, whatever carbon we have, and turn it in. Great stuff.

    3. Ranon*

      We’re pretty urban so we do/ did indoor worm composting (our city finally rolled out municipal compost to our neighborhood so the worms aren’t primary anymore) – we found that any sort of fruit led to fruit flies but they’re aces for plowing through vegetable stuff, and my toddler loves seeing the worms and feeding them. It’s taken some trial and error but it’s been really fun, I like to say they’re the best pets you can buy by the pound

    4. Fellow Traveler*

      We also have a worm bin. We keep ours in the basement and it’s mainly how we compost in the winter. It is very easy to maintain once we got started. The first batch of worms we got tried to escape for some reason- we came home and there were red wriggles all over our utility room.
      We also have one of those large rotating bins that we got from some friends who were moving – which we mostly use for yard waste.
      And then, during warmer weather, I just dig a hole in the backyard and bury the scraps. My sister in law, who is a Master Composter (like a Master Gardener, but you get certified in composting) she suggested this as the simplest way of composting.

    5. LibbyG*

      I love composting!

      I live in a village setting on a 0.2 acre lot. I built a two-bay compost corral (both bays open on the top and front) out of sections of picket fence fastened to long wooden spikes I hammered into the ground.

      One bay is 2x the size of the other. I rake all my leaves into the larger bay (did that yesterday, actually) and then I toss food scraps in the smaller bay and throw a layer of leaves on top (with a pitchfork). Every so often I toss the cooking pile around to aerate it. I just dig the finished compost out of the bottom of the pile when I need some.

      I’ve been lucky to not attract large critters, I think because there are a lot of dogs around.

    6. Anon Here*

      We composted when I was a kid. It was a really simple setup – just a compost heap out by the garden. This was in urban Baltimore in the 80’s. I’ve done it a bit as an adult, and I’ve seen a lot of people do it.

      The main mistakes I’ve seen with it are:

      – Using the wrong kind of container for the indoor part and attracting pests that way. It’s worth buying a compost bin that has good ratings and will keep out all varieties of critters.

      – Multiple people using the bin and not everyone understanding what can and cannot go in it, or not everyone taking it seriously, or people being of different opinions. If in doubt, it’s good to post a list of yes and no foods.

      I honestly think it works best if the process is as much outdoors as possible, like if you scrape your plates into a bucket that is immediately carried outside and dumped into the compost. Indoor compost is challenging because of the pest issue, the smell, and the wrong thing ending up in it occasionally (inevitably, there’s a guest who doesn’t get it and thinks it’s regular trash).

      That’s just my two cents. I’m sure people with more experience will have more to add.

  81. Fishsticks*

    Hey!

    Does anyone have any book suggestions for parents who child is planning on coming out as trans? My partner (who is very very close to my mom) wants to come out but I want to give my mom a book or two so she can understand better. My mom is very old-school liberal and very Catholic. She will be accepting but not really understand so I want to provide some history/explanation that’s been written better than I can probably explain lol.

    Thanks!

  82. Frustrated Momma*

    This is just a vent. I hope this isn’t too work related-please remove if needed.

    I’m so frustrated that I make a decent salary and I don’t receive any state benefits(I make too much to qualify) and it’s a struggle each month. I am a single mother of 3. I’m in a salaries position where I work 50-60 a week. So a second job is not feasible. The child support I receive is literally a joke(think amount you would give for allowance for a child). I pay daycare out of pocket for all three. I receive a small discount for using this daycare through work, but almost half of my paycheck goes to paying it. Ex is to cover a portion but pays a weeks worth every few months. So I have to cover it to insure my children will be watched while I work. I’ve taken him to court numerous times for not paying and it’s frustrating to have to go to court every couple of months to get him to pay.

    I literally contemplate quitting my great job and taking a lower paying job to qualify for assistance. I would literally have the same amount of money on my paycheck if not more. My pride and ego would never let me do that. It just kills me this is what my kids grow up in. Sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest and hopefully it will help me cope.

    1. LilySparrow*

      That sucks. I am so sorry you’re in that situation. No advice, but I hear you and hate it with you.

      1. valentine*

        Don’t let your ego immobilize you. If you did apply for assistance, the state would hunt the ex for you. Would that be useful? Would it be better to be hourly, working fewer hours, and use a different daycare? Do your kids qualify for Head Start? When you make calculations, factor in what ex owes you.

    2. Not enough coffee*

      It sounds like your kids are really young (all 3 in daycare). As someone whose kids are now slightly older, if you can scrape by for just another few years you’ll be into the school years which is a game changer.

      1. Frustrated Momma*

        The state automatically takes the child support out of his checks. But it’s less than my car payment.

        Child care expenses cannot be garnished. Hence why I have to go back to court all the time for contempt. The whole legal system is another thing that is twisted in its own right towards custody/support imo.

    4. Xavier89*

      I don’t have the solution to fix it but man the daycare system seems so broken to me. It’s so incredibly expensive

      1. Anon time*

        I don’t think it’s broken, in that I don’t think providers are making a crazy profit. I just think the government needs to subsidize it. Our toddler goes to a nonprofit daycare, and it’s nice (they provide food), but not anything crazy, and it’s still $1100/mo.

        1. Grace*

          In the UK, childcare is subsidised – basically you get a certain number of free hours, 15 per week no matter what and 30 if you meet certain requirements. And even then, people are struggling, although costs are nowhere near as extortionate as in the US.

          My mum works for a charity preschool (I guess you’d call it a non-profit?) and they’re not doing well. Hundreds of preschools and nurseries are closing because they can’t afford to stay open – the government pays subsidies per child, but the subsidies aren’t increasing in line with minimum wage increases. That means that the children who don’t use subsidies, or who use more hours than just the free ones, are getting their fees increased so that the nurseries can continue to pay their staff when the government isn’t helping enough. People refuse to pay that much.

          As with everything, it’s a case of “This worked fantastically to begin with, and still works in theory, but we really need the government to step up and continue making sure it works as it should.” See also: apprenticeship schemes, the NHS, disability benefits, child benefits, etc. They all work, it’s just that the money going into them isn’t in line with operations costs anymore.

    5. WS*

      But your kids will grow up, and you’ll still be in a position where you have more money, more options and more independence than you would if you took the lower-paying job and got assistance. Is it an option for a court order to be made over his wages (or directly from him to daycare) so that he doesn’t get to decide this and drag you back to court constantly?

        1. Anon Here*

          Yes! I would, instead, look for ways to increase your income. It sounds like there aren’t better paying jobs in your field/region right now, but keep looking and keep exploring possibilities.

          What about taking a lower paying job plus a second source of income? Lower paying job plus school with loans or grants to help with living expenses?

          There’s got to be something that could boost your income while moving you forward career-wise. You’re smart – you read AAM and this site attracts smart and level-headed people. You’ll figure this out. It’ll be ok. There are better times ahead for you and your family.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I think you should do what’s best for you, without regret. Other people have made an argument for staying in your job for the future benefits to you when your children are a bit older. That’s a good argument and I’m sure you’re considering it.

      But if it seems better TO YOU to take a lower-paying job that gives you more free time, and the only thing that’s holding you back is pride and a sense that you don’t “deserve” assistance – then I think you should put that aside and make the choice that works for you and your family.

    7. MMB*

      I went thru this while my son was growing up. His father NEVER paid child support. The whole mess was so bad that it became a “teaching case” for the state (as in how NOT to handle collections). It’s exhausting, frustrating even rage inducing at times. You have my sympathy.

  83. Seifer*

    I closed on my house on Thursday! And then I did the thing that I said that I would not do. I gutted the damn thing.

    IN MY DEFENSE, the lady that owned it before me was likely the original homeowner and she smoked… everywhere. 30 years of nicotine staining the WALLS, the CARPET, the TRIM, the BLINDS… disgusting. We only managed to clean one bathroom before we gave up and just started ripping shit out. But like… I’m having SO much fun! I’m relatively destructive on my own, and I’m a woodworker on the side, so once we got all the nicotine stained everything out, it’s fun with power tools time. We’re almost done. Just pulling out staples from the carpet pad.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Almost sounds like you bought my late aunt’s house. My cousins had to sell for $100000 less than they should have because she smoked so much for so long in it. Have fun!

    2. Bluebell*

      This is totally what’s going to happen at my in laws house, between the smoking and letting the cats destroy the wallpaper. Glad you enjoyed it!

  84. Water Fountain*

    Writers!

    I have a suggestion! If you are looking for a beta reader and are not interested in forcing your friends to read your book and want an objective opinion, I found one on Fiverr who was really great. My book was around 80,000 words and it cost $30.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Thanks for this suggestion! I’ve been in this position before and have had trouble finding beta readers that aren’t my (lovely, but very biased and unhelpful) friends. That’s an angle I never considered.

    2. MMB*

      Another option is Good Reads. They actually have free beta’s (although quality can vary). They also have a number of readers who offer paid services again YMMV. I do 2-3 a year for free as a hobby.

  85. NewNameTemporarily*

    I’m a little ticked off. I got missed/ not informed about a health care item . Turns out, I had a not-so-good colonoscopy in January. I’m suppose to be on 6 month recall (which isn’t fun, but then… getting colon cancer is worse).

    The only reason I picked up on it, is that I did show late for the “preventative test” – and I thought maybe they just forgot to mark it completed or something. I checked my paperwork as I was LEAVING my appointment, and saw it was “overdue.” So I turned and asked the doctor – she checks, and “oh, didn’t they call you? You were suppose to come in for another” Overall, she’s excellent (this is a big medical system), and she was very reassuring.

    But… in the same appointment, I was able to establish that the constantly peeling spot on my nose that I had been worried about (the reason for the appointment)… It is a “small” skin cancer, so I’m not feeling very good about things in general.

    Just… bummed. I’m sure these are two random, unrelated items, and in the end, all will be well.

    So… PSA. Get that colonoscopy, and follow it up, as well.

    1. Mr. McGillicuddy*

      My father-in-law didn’t get his colonoscopy results from Kaiser and ended up in the hospital for a week with sepsis. Turns out he had diverticulitis that was found during his last colonoscopy and was never informed he should not eat nuts or seeds.

      Well, he had piged out and ate 3/4 jar of cashews from Costco, which caused bleeding in his colon, which then matured into sepsis. He also had a blood clot from the shunt they put into his arm to administer the antibiotics.

      After finally getting the blood infection under control, he was released to go home, but needed daily shot of blood thinner to shrink the blood clot.

      Patients need to be told their colonoscopy results. Seems fundamental to me, but the US health care system isn’t the third leading cause of death for nothing.

      1. fposte*

        Yikes! He’s lucky he was able to go home after that.

        Just for the record, though, the “no nuts or seeds” thing isn’t something most doctors advise anymore; there’s no real evidence in its favor as an overall problem, and high fiber is good for diverticulosis as long as people aren’t in active diverticulitis flare. That doesn’t mean individuals can’t have problems with such foods, of course, same as with any other food.

        2. Mr. McGillicuddy*

          My gastro doc recommended that I stop eating nuts and seeds after he diagnosed me with diverticulosis.

          Ever time I’ve accidently eaten nuts or seeds, usually an ingredient in something I’ve eaten, I get abdominal pain that lasts for half a day.

          I’ll stick to my doctor’s recommendation and I suggest you stop being an arm chair psydo doc.

    2. fposte*

      I wish they’d standardize post-procedure reports so you could *know* that you missed getting something. I like the online portal but some of my doctors give me paper reports with much more detail, whereas others tell me the details orally. (Not great for procedures where I had to be sedated.)

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        The number of times I’ve had a doctor give me one direction verbally and then write a second direction on the prescription/post visit summary is astronomical. And often, the verbal directions, the written directions, and the drug directions from the pharmacy say three different things.

    3. teashirt*

      Don’t know if it’s comforting, but my dad had the bleeding nose skin cancer thing ….and it really was nothing. Good luck with it all

      1. NewNameTemporarily*

        Thanks for the encouragement – really helpful. I was hoping to hear from someone else who got a good report afterwards! I appreciate the sharing (exactly what I needed).

  86. Fikly*

    Super proud of myself this week.

    I moved into my apartment in July. It is still not really unpacked, largely in part to a bad concussion acquired three weeks later.

    This week, I did masses of laundry, though there is still more to go. Then I managed to put away, in actual designated places, all the clean clothes, until I ran out of hangers. This was the first time this had happened since moving in. I am so pleased.

    Sure, I had to break it down into small tasks and take breaks between each one. But I got it done! I am so proud of myself.

    2. Rebecca*

      Isn’t that a great feeling? Good for you! And take a few minutes to kick back and enjoy what you’ve accomplished!

    3. Bluebell*

      Good job! I switched out my seasonal clothing this week, and the looking at my closet temporary high usually lasts a week or so. Of course there’s also the feeling of “wow, I wear a lot of black and brown in cold weather!”

  87. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Yesterday, in a bizarre coincidence, my wife and I watched three different movies where they sang “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” to someone.

    Is this song still a thing in 2019? I’ve heard it in TV and movies approximately 1,000,000 times, but have never heard it sung in real life in nearly 40 years of being alive. Has anyone had a group of people spontaneously sing it to them? I’m ashamed to say that I think it would be kind of cool.

    1. Grace*

      I’ve heard that films use ‘For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow’ as a replacement for Happy Birthday because until recently you had to pay an extortionate sum to Warner to use the latter, while the former was public domain.

      (FHAJGF’s wiki page seems to back me up on this – it’s been sung at birthdays and things for a couple of hundred years, but “In Spain, it is sometimes sung at birthdays instead of “Happy Birthday to You”. This is also the case in America on television and in movies, because Warner/Chappell Music claimed copyright to “Happy Birthday To You” until 2016, while “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” has long been in the public domain.”.)

      1. Fikly*

        There’s a whole scene/B plot in the show Sports Night about this, because one of the anchors (it’s about the people putting on a late night sports news show) gets in trouble for singing Happy Birthday to his co-anchor on air, and learns that yes, you have to pay for that. He is very upset about this, and goes about trying to decide what public domain song to sing for everyone on their birthday.

        Of course, because you did have to pay for Happy Birthday then, the bit where he did sing Happy Birthday happened off screen, so they didn’t actually have to pay for it!

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Really interesting! I did not know this. Not to sound like a total Scrooge, but “Happy Birthday” is about as irritating to me as “Winter Wonderland.” Just a droning, irritating tune I’ve always hated. The fact that a major conglomerate made big bucks on it until recently makes my skin crawl a little.

    2. Blue wall*

      We sing it in my family after singing Happy Birthday. I’m early 30s and I think it came from my dad’s family, who are from the Trenton NJ area.

    3. LilySparrow*

      I have vague memories of singing it to someone older at a birthday or retirement party, something like that. But not more than once, possibly twice in my life. And never to me.

  88. families!*

    Do you use one of those alarm clocks that have a light that gets lighter? I’ve been shopping for one but all the reviews seem negative … do you have one that you like? Thanks for any recommendations.

    1. Pharmgirl*

      I have the Phillips one, and I really like it! It definitely wakes me up more gently than a traditional alarm clock. It’s great for the winter when it’s harder to get up in the mornings.

    2. SpellingBee*

      I have one but bought it years ago and they no longer make that model – it’s a Phillips, if that’s at all helpful. I can say that I absolutely love the way the gradually-increasing light wakes me up. It’s so much gentler and nicer than a jarring buzz out of nowhere! Mine has a audible alarm that will go off if you don’t flip the alarm switch by the time the light reaches your chosen maximum intensity, but you can pick the sound (soft chime, bird song and something else I can’t remember right now, maybe a gong sound?).

    3. it happens*

      I have found that waking up to gradually increasing light a very pleasant way to start the day-strong recommend. Also have the philips with the radio. I really liked the concept- so much that I decided to get a WiFi bulb (LIFX) for my overhead fixture and programmed it to simulate sunrise at the same time every day. I still have the clock on my bedside to use as a radio and light.
      The downside to the Philips 1. Mine didn’t have white noise sounds to go to sleep, 2. The sounds it did have, bird and something else, just were not adequately annoying to act as back up alarms on days when I had to set the alarm for earlier (yes, the light wakes you up, but your body knows it’s not the regular time…)

    4. fposte*

      I *love* mine. I also have a Phillips. I think there are different models but I’m not sure what difference it really makes–probably a lot of it is bells and whistles. thewirecutter dot com also reviewed these recently and had a budget pick (@$20) if you don’t want to spend for the regular Phillips ones (@$110).

      You know that moment when the alarm goes off and it’s dark and you have to steel yourself to turn the light on and it’s so shocking you just want to hide under the covers? That’s what these lights put an end to. I wake up to the sound, there’s enough light to see, and then I put on the ceiling light to step up into the day.

    5. Pyrbennu*

      I’ve actually been using a Kasa smart bulb for this! I program it to turn on at 15% a half hour before I get up, then to raise to 40% fifteen before, then 70% and 100% over the next ten minutes. I’ve found it works well at making me wake up easier and am often gently awake before my regular alarm goes off.

    6. Fikly*

      I seem to be in the group of folks who did not find this helpful in waking up at all. So before investing, if you can possibly borrow one? Or I suppose most are returnable.

      I do actually like the quality of the light, and use it as a light source (my apartment has a thing against overhead lighting), just not as an alarm.

    7. Gatomon*

      I have a basic Philips one. I think they are horribly overpriced but… they work for me. It’s the difference between me being an evil sonofa– in the morning and me being just crabby. Has done nothing for my alarm snoozing habit though. In fact I now turn off the light and then my phone is set to go off again in 15 minutes… sigh.

    8. JKP*

      I love mine. Before I got it, I needed 6 different alarm clocks scattered throughout my room, including a vibrating one under my pillow because I slept so deeply, it was hard to wake up in the morning, and I could sleepwalk and turn them all off without actually waking up. Now just the sunrise clock is enough, because the light brings me far enough out of deep sleep to actually hear the alarm when it goes off.

      I have one Bio-Brite sunrise alarm in my room, and another portable AMIR travel sunrise alarm for trips. I’ve had them for many years without problems, but I don’t know if those companies make them anymore. They don’t seem to be on amazon.

    9. Teach*

      I have a basic one off Amazon – it was a Christmas gift last year so recent model and likely under $50? I love it. It’s controls are not intuitive or easy to use, but when I have it set, it is fantastic. Make sure the light brightness is dialed all the way up and that it’s close to your pillow and pointed at your face.

    10. Tortally HareBrained*

      We have several reptile cages in the adjacent room that purposefully have their timers set to turn on 15 minutes before the alarm goes off. It seems to work well, or at least stop with the “it’s so dark and I don’t want to get up” feeling. But like someone else mentioned I can definitely sleep through it just fine on weekends.

  89. Bluebell*

    Related to the topic above, any SAD light recommendations? The Strategist column reviewed them this week and I’m thinking of getting one, especially since they seem to have gotten much more manageable and inexpensive.

    2. Ali G*

      I have a comment in moderation with a link to the one I have. It works for me, but I don’t have severe SAD. I just need a does of UV mid-day. I keep it at my office and use it for about 20 minutes daily. I also use it in conjunction with my standing desk.
      Alternatively, my doctor says that getting outside mid-day, without sunglasses, for a 20 minute walk also works and is free :)

      1. Bluebell*

        Thanks for sharing! I clicked the link and now I’m very interested in their lattice lamp. It looks so cool and would fit in my house very well.

    3. Earthwalker*

      I have the Verilux Happy Light for travel. I didn’t realize I should have gone for a 10K Lux lamp and it only has 5K. But even with that the results are really amazing. Verilux has several models in the $30-$40 range, so I might hand mine off to the second hand store and upgrade to the next more powerful model.

    4. ..Kat..*

      I wanted to add that a vitamin D deficiency or vitamin B deficiencies can make SAD worse (or masquerade as SAD). Can you get your levels checked or take vitamins daily to see if this helps?

  90. Loopy*

    Quick question- the internet is failing me! Has anyone successfully waterproofed faux suede shoes? Like with a waterproofing spray? If so, what did you use? A lot of suede sprays say it’s not meant for imitation suede. I’m getting much confusion when it comes to faux suede online :(

    2. Grace*

      You can get waterproofing sprays for fabric that work well – I bought Nikwax Fabric &Leather Proof the other day to waterproof both some fake suede boots and a fabric rucksack, and it’s worked perfectly.

      Yep, just dipped my fingers in a glass of water and flicked it at my boots – it beaded on the surface and began rolling off, just like what you want with waterproofing sprays. Big recommend. Even if I have to respray after a few weeks, I’m not sure yet, it’s not too much hassle.

  91. Anon For This One*

    I had an acupuncture appointment at a new clinic. They called me right at the time of the appointment (say, 3pm) to ask if I was still coming and if everything was ok. I hadn’t been told to arrive early, so I thought that was odd. I told them I’d be there in ten minutes. Shortly after that (say, 3:15), they called again and said that if I wasn’t there in five minutes, they would cancel the appointment and charge me for it. It was supposed to be a two hour consult plus treatment. It was not cheap. I hadn’t received any notification about this policy, nor was there any indication of it on their website.

    This is a big, popular practice. Very well established. I told them I would not pay since cancelling the appointment was their choice, not mine. I was late, but I’ve never had anyone cancel an appointment for being 15 minutes late and then charge me for it unless they made a point of letting people know that could happen.

    They say I have to talk to their management on Monday. I’m considering my options. I don’t think it’s enough money to be worth getting a lawyer for. What can I do? Report them to the Better Business Bureau?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My first thought is that if you make an appointment like that, you have an obligation to be there on time. Most restaurants won’t hold a table for 15 minutes, especially if you don’t call. If you’re running late, which you were, you should have called to let them know. That’s a courtesy.

      Take a closer look at their website. The policy might be in finer print than you expect.

      You’re paying for the service, but when you make your appointment, you prevent them from seeing other clients during that time. Or from doing other tasks.

      Talk to their management and try to work out a compromise, since you weren’t aware of their policy, but you should acknowledge that you have a role here too. Being that late to an appointment (it sounds like you were at least 15 minutes behind) is not good. This isn’t BBB-worthy.

      1. Enough*

        For a restaurant reservation 15 minutes is usually the limit. And have to agree with AvonLady. You should have been on time and let them know the moment you were going to be late how late that would be. And is very normal for these type of businesses to have a cancellation policy/fee.

    2. Anonateer*

      Hmmm, hate to say it, but I think you’re in the wrong here. They called you at the time the appointment was supposed to start, because you weren’t there, and they could still potentially use that slot for another customer if they learn quickly enough that it’s clear. You were late, you told them you’d be there in 10 mins, and they have to call you again at 15 mins? It was entirely reasonable for them to say that you had 5 minutes to get there (which still makes you 20 minutes late) or have your appointment cancelled.

      I agree that the policy should be communicated, and people are generally given one “freebie,” but it’s extremely common for appointments to be charged a fee if the appointment is cancelled without notice (and yes, if you’re gonna be 20 minutes late for an appointment, you should expect that they will cancel it). In my experience, its rare for a clinic to *not* have that policy.

      I think you should let it go. Maybe tell them that if they want to collect fees like that, they should publicize that policy. But it sounds like they were mostly acting reasonably, and you were taking it very badly, I’m not surprised that they were not inclined to be courteous to you, as you weren’t courteous to them; if I’m going to be 10 minutes late for an appointment, I call to let them know).

      1. Washi*

        Agreed. The OP says “I’ve never had anyone cancel an appointment for being 15 minutes late” but if she’d gotten there by 3:20, 1. that is 20 minutes late and 2. they would have let her keep the appointment. But since they cancelled, I’m guessing she was even more than 20 minutes late, which is a lot!

        OP, if you’d gotten to your appointment on time at 3:00 and they told you to wait 10 minutes, then at 3:15 told you to wait another 10 minutes, and you finally started your appointment 25 minutes late, would that be ok? And if not, then why is it ok for your lateness to impact other clients?

    3. fposte*

      What they can do will depend on the laws of your state; if you made an appointment through a website, for instance, having policies on the website may be enough for them to legally do this, and often receptionists state this as boilerplate when making appointments. However, if you don’t plan to go to that clinic in future, it’s not likely worth it to them to pursue you; I’d try an approach where you apologize and propose that you both just go your separate ways rather than staying entangled over this issue. While some BBBs are occasionally helpful, they’re mostly, as another forum says, “Yelp for old people”; it wouldn’t hurt, though, for you to contact your local one to see whether they’d do any dispute resolution in this case and how it would work. It’s also likely that if they do sue you it would be in small claims, and in a lot of states you can’t bring an attorney in there anyway.

      FWIW, most therapy-type places I deal with wouldn’t hold a spot for somebody who was late unless they called to notify they were going to be late, and sometimes not even then, and a lot of them reserve the right to charge for cancellations less than 24 hours before the appointment or no-shows at the time. You seem to be startled by the fact that they checked on you at 3, but it was time for the appointment (and a long one at that) and you weren’t there, and first-timers have particularly high cancellation rates; if you weren’t going to make it they needed to see if they could make up the lost money with another client ASAP. I think the argument that “technically they cancelled” is pretty easily countered with the notion that technically you did, since you had an appointment for 3 pm that you didn’t attend.

      I don’t know if this is you, but sometimes when people are struggling with health issues, especially if they include mental health issues, it can be really hard to handle time, and that can be shame-spirally; I could see that as a reason why you didn’t call to say you were running late, for instance, because that would mean acknowledging that you’d already blown the 3 pm time. If so, people are much more willing to work with you if you’re candid from the start and ask if they have any suggestions for how to plan an appointment with the maximum possibility. Also consider if there’s a contact method that would work if you’re running late–if calling is too hard, could you text?–that would help keep you and the practitioner on the same side.

    4. Jaid*

      You get there super late, you mess up their schedule for the rest of the day. Are you that comfortable with making the next patient after you wait 20 minutes+ for treatment?

      It’s your business why you were running late and didn’t let the clinic know. I just think the clinic would be doing you a favor not to charge you…

    5. fhqwhgads*

      I’m confused. If they called you at the time of the appointment because you weren’t there, that’s normal? Even if they didn’t tell you to arrive a specific amount of time early, if the appointment is at 3, and you’re not there at 3, you’re late.Especially for something like a 2 hour appointment, I’d expect you to need to be on time. If they’re booking people for that long they are unlikely to have wiggle room in the schedule. If I’m understanding the sequence correctly you said at 3 you’d be there in 10 minutes, but then were not – because at 3:15 they said they’d cancel if you weren’t there by 3:20? That all sounds very normal to me. I wouldn’t expect them to need to spell it out that they’ll cancel your appointment if you’re 15 minutes late (and if they did spell out that cancellations later than X hours in advance means you’re still charged, then I’d not be surprised to be charged). That’s a fairly normal default. There are a certain number of slots in the day. If you’re late, you miss yours. You can’t assume they’ll be able to push back because that may mean making everyone after you late.

      I do not think you have any recourse here. It sounds to me like you’re in the wrong.

      1. Gaia*

        It sounds very normal to me. Even the place that does my eyebrows will cancel if I am 10 minutes late. And they will charge me 50% of the cost of the visit. It sucks, but it is because they cannot book someone in that spot. And if I call ahead, they can at least shift things around and potentially fill the space.

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          I’ve had doctor’s office say that if you are 15 minutes late, it’s a reschedule and a no show fee.

    6. The New Wanderer*

      It’s a little unclear from what you wrote – if they called at the time the appointment was set, 3 PM, and you were still 15+ minutes away, then they were not obligated to hold the appointment for the entire duration for you. The flip side of it wasting their opportunity to serve someone else at that time is they otherwise have to provide bad service to you and/or others. Say you did show up 20 min late – either you get shorted 20 min from your appointment or you drive their schedule even later and pushing subsequent appointments back. But that’s not your question.

      Should you pay? The part about a cancellation fee is usually included on the website and/or any forms or emails they send to confirm the appointment. If you can show it wasn’t, then you have a point to bring up with their management – you’re right that they should clearly notify you of this policy and not just assume people will pay up. If they can prove that it was there and you missed it, then you’re obligated to pay.

      I would have said most medical practices have this policy of no-showing = pay anyway, but a friend’s practice does not and they routinely deal with a significant number of no shows on a daily basis, to the point where if you wanted to walk in any given day there would likely be an opening even though they’re technically booked out for weeks in advance.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      As someone who has spent more time that I care to think about waiting for appointments because of people who are late, you are in the wrong. Let it go.

    8. Rachael W.*

      Wow.

      Well then. I don’t know what you can do. But what you SHOULD do is apologise to them for wasting their time by not showing up punctually, pay them in full since you were the one at fault (showing up fifteen minutes late is frankly ridiculous), then strive to ensure you never treat people so rudely again.

      I doubt you’ll do any of that, of course. But I can dream!

    9. Not A Manager*

      I agree with the others that you were wrong to be so late. I’m not sure I agree about paying for the entire 2 hour appointment, though. It’s true as someone commented, that if you’re late for dinner a restaurant will cancel your reservation – but they won’t charge you for the dinner that you didn’t eat. (Some restaurants can get away with making you pay a deposit upfront, but that’s unusual.)

      You ask if you should get a lawyer. Unless they have a credit card on file or something, in this case they would be the ones pursuing the debt. So if you choose not to pay, my guess is that they will drop it (and you from their practice). If you do get to a point of a collection notice, you can decide then whether or not to pay.

      If you’re going to talk to management next week, though, I’d suggest changing your tune. Be very apologetic, explain that you were not aware of this policy, maybe tell them that previous doctors have routinely run so late that you have learned not to be on time (this has certainly been true for me with some doctors!). Maybe offer to pay a smaller “cancellation fee” instead of the entire amount. My guess is that if you are contrite they will not charge you for the whole appointment.

    10. Gaia*

      I mean, you were at least 15 minutes late to the appointment with no notification. That can throw off their entire schedule and impact other patients. It really wasn’t their choice to cancel, it was your choice to be late and not let them know.

      You could report them, but this is incredibly common with medical appointments. My chiro would drop a patient for doing this more than once.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Mine is routinely running so far behind (like, an hour or more) because of late people that I call before I go. Is he on time today? If yes, I hop in the car. If not, I wait at home or at work. If I’m going to be waiting for an hour, I may as well get something done. I’d leave him but he’s really good. But people like OP burn me up. My time is worth something, you know.

    11. coffee cup*

      I’m not sure why you were considering going to the appointment more than 15 minutes after it was due to start. What was your thought behind this? I’m asking to get a better idea, as to me it sounds as if they expected you to be on time, not early, and I wonder why you made an appointment for a time you couldn’t be there?

      I get being late to stuff and have definitely done it (not on purpose)! What I usually do is, if I’m running late, I call them and let them know and apologise. This might be wise in this situation and *might* get you out of having to pay, although I don’t think it’s unusual for them to say you have to. You essentially wasted their time and probably pushed back appointments for other people, which is why they want you to compensate them, I guess.

    12. MMB*

      In my experience this is standard practice for any clinical appointment and most other service related appointments as well (hair, nails, repairs). I’m wondering if you’re upset because you don’t fully understand the rational behind the policy? If an intake appointment is scheduled for two hours it’s because that’s how long it will take to gather all of the information and perform the necessary tests to properly treat you. If you’re late they either will not be able to gather the proper information (making the intake incomplete at best and pointless at worst) or in order to gather all the information they will have to run over into someone elses appointment time which will cause a domino effect that pushes every single appointment back for the rest of the day. They can’t allow one person’s failure to arrive on time to inconvenience and negatively affect the care of all of their other patients!

      When someone calls you at the beginning of your scheduled time because you aren’t there it isn’t because they had an expectation that you would arrive early, it’s because they expected you to arrive on time.

      1. MMB*

        I accidentally hit submit too soon. Also, you aren’t just paying for services rendered. You are paying them to reserve a block of TIME specifically dedicated to you. Time is a commodity, if you don’t show up they can’t just instantly fill that spot thus they are losing money.

        1. valentine*

          If an intake appointment is scheduled for two hours it’s because that’s how long it will take to gather all of the information and perform the necessary tests to properly treat you.
          Yes. There may be a cushion, but they can’t guarantee a proper process without it. I’ve arrived way early and been seen early. Let’s say they have two rooms and staggered starts. If you had called and the 3:30 person was there, they might have been happy to switch your appointments, while still warning you to arrive early next time, because that wouldn’t affect the 5:00/5:30 patients. I’m usually told to arrive 15 minutes early because the appointment time is the time they’re meant to call me back. Any ID/insurance/paperwork needs to be sorted prior to that, or the schedule’s delayed.

    13. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Even if you weren’t told to arrive early, why on earth wouldn’t you arrive on time? Sorry, entirely your fault here.

      1. WellRed*

        I don’t understand why you think being on time is early? OP, please respect others and maybe get a watch.

    14. Cruciatus*

      Not what you want to hear, but you were absolutely in the wrong. You should have been there 15-20 minutes early as there’s often paperwork to fill out, insurance cards to update, etc. This is not something I thought any doctor’s office would need to advertise as it is just common courtesy and common sense. You have no leg to stand on here.

    15. JamieS*

      Did you sign or verbally agreed to anything before? Even something like the person making the appointment saying “this appointment is subject to our cancellation policy” or “you can read our cancellation policy at http://www.website.com“. If so I don’t see how you’d have standing to report them.

      More importantly though you said they called at the appointment time not before so they weren’t expecting you to arrive early. They expected you to arrive on time which you shouldn’t need to be told.

    16. LilySparrow*

      I struggle with the time-space continuum, so I’m not going to jump down your throat for being late.

      But yeah, a medical or alt-med practice calling to see if you’re still coming is standard. And giving the slot away if you’re more than X minutes late is standard. They have a wait list.

      Cancellation fees vary, but charging full price is not unheard of. It is deliberately punitive, because they want to stop people from no-showing. I assume you got some kind of email or text confirmation – the cancellation policy is probably in there.

      Did you ever show up at all, or were you so late they canceled? It sucks but yeah, you owe the money. If you’re ticked off, don’t go back. But don’t be a jerk about paying.

      When you screw up, you gotta take your lumps. Next time you’re stuck somewhere and can’t make an appointment, call them first. Dont make them call looking for you.

      People are much more inclined to be flexible and accommodating if you communicate with them up front. If you have a good reason, they will often let you reschedule or waive the fee. “Points for effort” is a real thing.

    17. Not So NewReader*

      My chiro has this policy if you miss an appointment you pay for the appointment anyway. I did not know about the policy and did not see it on their site. Although I did not read everything on their site.

      I think that many places assume we know we should show up early for first appointments to complete paperwork. So, while it would have been nice for them to remind you of that, I think that we patients have equal responsibility to clarify on this point, so the first appointment goes off without a hitch.

    18. Alex*

      They gave you a 20 minute grace period–I think that’s pretty generous, especially considering you didn’t give them an accurate estimate of when you’d be there. I mean, things happen that make people miss appointments and hopefully they would be humane about flexibility in unforeseen circumstances, but it doesn’t sound like you gave them a heads up or an explanation.

  92. London packing plan*

    Help me plan my trip. London December Over thinking.
    I have a large 25 inch suitcase with four wheels. seems really big but think I might need the room.
    I have business meetings (academic)
    I can check one suitcase on the airplane. I am coming from the US. I am staying ten days.
    I usually travel with a 20 inch suitcase and a small carryon for four to five day trips.
    Question- smaller suitcase- any advantage or just go with the big one.
    I will be staying ten days. I would prefer not to do laundry.
    I am female and most comfortable in loose dresses, leggings, and short boots.sweaters, (think Eileen fisher)
    My plan- hi top all-birds (water resistant) for walking, Birkenstock short leather boots for dress/professional. sneaker-like all birds for a change.
    Packing plan- two pairs of casual pants- stretchy for travel. 4 tanks, 2 long sleeve cotton (for layering) one soft blazer for professional, polartec cardigan for travel and layering. 4 or 5 leggings. two long black skirts. two marino sweaters.one wool dress. one layering tunic. cotton socks / wool socks. legg warmers. A light shawl.
    Grey and black palette.
    Does this seem too much? Just right?
    Jacket- would a short Patagonia puffer coat be okay for most casual days?
    Do I need a raincoat?

    This is what the husband calls think packing.

    1. Lena Carabina*

      Yes, to the raincoat.
      Depending on where you’re coming from you might find those items too light for the weather here.
      I’d personally take more jumpers (sweaters).
      Have fun!

    2. Reba*

      Are you staying in one place the whole ten days? If so use the bigger bag!

      Is long underwear part of this layering plan?

      1. London packing plan*

        I have cuddle duds and smart wool. Are the smart wools over kill? I only put them on when it hits 35 at home.

    3. PX*

      It has been a VERY wet autumn so I say raincoat for sure. Winter also tends to be drizzly anyway so better to have something that can handle getting wet.

      1. Jules the First*

        I’m glad it hasn’t just been my imagination! I feel like it’s been raining since the end of September…

    4. Fikly*

      I don’t know if this is still happening, but when I was living in London 15 years ago, I was shocked by how much it completely shut down the last week of December. My parents came to visit me, and their hotel wasn’t even staffed on Christmas day. So if you’ll be there in late December, keep in mind that many things may simply not be open.

      Also, are you used to winter? Actual winter? I went from snow belt winters to London, so for me, it never got colder than mild fall. I never needed anything warmer than a light coat. But the local population did break out their down parkas, so it does depend on what temps you are used to. The coldest it ever got when I was there was 32.

      1. London Calling*

        And there is NO public transport 25/26 December. Zero, zip, nada. You want to get about, it’ll be taxis or walk.

    5. Not A Manager*

      My theory of packing is, once I’m sending luggage through and not just taking a carryon, there’s almost no advantage to packing lighter. Even if you’re taking an airport bus once you’re there, they usually have luggage storage under the carriage. The only time I’d change this calculus is if I were going to take regular commuter transportation in my vacation city. Then you don’t want a million big heavy bags with you.

      So I’d say, take the stuff you want in the bigger bag, just be sure to weigh it carefully so you’re not stuck with overweight fees. ALSO, check to see if your airline has carryon weight limits. I’ve never seen them enforced in U.S. domestic travel, but I have been dinged for overweight carryons in international flights – I’ve been forced to check my carryon, which makes the flight unpleasant, and sometimes even to pay for the extra checked bag.

      1. Ra94*

        I think this is a poor idea for London specifically- few stations are step-free still, and the tube is by far the quickest and cheapest way of reaching most airports. I’ve had to travel with a bag I could barely lift before, and it was super stressful.

          1. London packing plan*

            Not sure I will have to take the tube but- I am taking the train from the airport to Cambridge for the first part of the trip. Then from Cambridge to London and a cab to Kensington. I am hoping there will be porters to help. I do use a crutch and can manage two small bags (a rolling bag and small carryon on top) and a backpack on my own. The big bag that I haven’t traveled with yet is one with four rolling wheels and I have found that to be a convenience and easier to handle than the two wheeler. (less likely to fall over) My plan is to pack the big one with the same amount as the small stuffed one so that I am able to to lift it. Stairs would be a problem but stairs are a problem for me anyway.

            1. Cambridge*

              Well, I can advise on the Cambridge end.

              No porters, so you’ll need to assume you’ll manage all your luggage yourself.

              However, there are lifts to take you up and down the bridge between platforms.

              I wouldn’t take a big suitcase, a little suitcase and a rucksack when doing that journey, but if you need to, you need to.

              1. Packing for London*

                Yes, this was my concern. I envy people who travel with less. I just took a five day trip with this little and was stressed to be without more clean cloths,

                1. London Calling*

                  Stations don’t have porters, but people can be very helpful if they see that you need help.

    6. Daisy Avalin*

      You will definitely need a raincoat! Winter in the UK is generally wet regardless of the actual temps and as PX says it has been very wet this year so far, so always have a raincoat and/or umbrella with you.
      Also, a word of warning, a lot of shops will have their heating cranked up to maximum (because it’s cold outside) so ideally your outer layers need to be easily removable.

    8. Anono-me*

      I personally think that a pashmina is just as important as a towel when traveling.

      You might also want to consider a more colorful pashmina. (That way if all the gray and black gets a little dreary, you can pep it up.)

      Have a great trip.

  93. Donut Bun*

    Had a gathering with friends last night. I’ve known them for 15+ years. Always had a good time but lately, the last few gatherings, I just haven’t felt….the same as I used to? I used to have fun, and get excited. Now…I just don’t. I feel like at every gathering, I end up being ignored or interrupted. So I get bored and am the first one to leave. Even in the group chat I feel ignored a lot. 

    The interruptions and loud talking was always there..we’re a loud goofy bunch and don’t have those formalities..but still. I am fine with almost everyone individually but in the group……Like I would have to shout at the top of my lungs for anyone to even acknowledge what I say. Or a lot of what I say goes ignored. And sometimes I feel hurt. For ex/ last night they were talking about how parents are such a blessing and precious etc etc. I lost my parent suddenly last year and have had a hard time coping with everything and I felt like they weren’t there for me during that tough time. Anyway they w ere having that conversation so I got up, drank some water and went to the bathroom and cried for a while, all the while trying not to have a panic attack..I had every intention of being fun and happy and light and goofy but….I wasn’t expecting that. Mentally, I know life goes on, no one owes me anything…but I’m not ready to leave this group and I’m in no shape to sharehow I feel.

    1. Sister Christian*

      My dad died this spring and I didn’t really feel very supported either. But when your parent(s) die, it is a big life change no matter how old you are, and often is something that gets you seeing things differently or wanting a change. Rather than cutting off your friends, just honor your feelings and see what you can find outside of your friend group that meets your actual needs right now.

      (I’ve been thinking about leaving my job for about a year, but it wasn’t until my dad passed away that I got serious about looking for a new one. I’m giving my notice at work tomorrow because I was offered a new job elsewhere.)

    2. Fikly*

      Can you meet with these people, but more in small groups or one on one? Your social needs may just be different right now! You don’t necessarily have to leave the group to break it down to smaller encounters.

      1. Washi*

        Yeah, it sounds like the group hasn’t changed, but your needs have changed, and maybe it’s more important to you now it sounds like you want to have a more substantial back and forth than a larger group setting allows. Fwiw I think once you have more than maybe 6 people trying to be in a conversation all at once, you end up with a lot of accidental interrupting and ignoring. I also tend to get frustrated in larger groups, since often someone will say something that I want to respond to or dig deeper into, and then the conversation veers away and I never get a chance. So 1. It’s quite likely that some people are listening and want to respond but the dynamics just aren’t working out and 2. a small group or one-on-one may just work better for where you are right now!

        1. Donut Bun*

          That’s true. 4 of them are super dominant, 1 is more laid back and quiet but when she talks everyone LISTENS and…there’s me. They’re not malicious or mean, and I don’t want to cut them off by any means. I just dont’ feel the same around them anymore.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Oh boy do I relate to this. I was the first one in my group to lose a parent. In the end, I lost contact with many of those friends, simply because my life moved in a new direction so FAST. They could no longer relate to what I was doing. Spoon feeding both parents? They were talking about schools and dates and such.

          No one was wrong here. Life just pulled us in different directions. My needs changed radically. My free time became super limited. It was sad but there was not much anyone could do about it.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Definitely try to get together one-on-one or in smaller groups. Also, can you confide in one or two people about how you’re feeling? That might help you emotionally, just to feel heard, but they also might then be a bit more mindful in the group and help give you room to speak, etc.

      Another thought is – how much drinking is going on in these large gatherings? My spouse has some friends who get louder and louder when they drink, and tbh my experience is that I have a worse time the less I’m drinking myself. I don’t think I get quite as loud as they do when I’m drinking, but I have a much higher tolerance for their energy. I’m not suggesting that you should/should not be drinking, just that when I noticed this I was able to understand better what was going on, and to calibrate my own experience.

      1. Donut Bun*

        While I was there, everyone had half a glass of wine. I was driving, so I didn’t take any. The loudest one actually doesn’t drink tho funny enough lol. Its kind of funny, I think if I were to drink, I’d be more relaxed? But I always drive to wherever we meet up, and I’ dont have anything if I’mdriving.

    4. Anon Here*

      It doesn’t need to be a choice between cutting them off and tolerating the way they treat you. You could take a break, or take it on a day by day basis. Spend time with them when you want to and not when you don’t want to. Maybe put the group chat on mute so you’re still in it but no longer receiving notifications (if that’s an issue).

      More importantly, find people who appreciate you! Get out and connect with new people who will want to hear what you say. The unappreciative friends can then fade into the background. They can be those people who you kind of keep in touch with for old times sake. Focus on things (people + activities) that/who are more rewarding.

  94. Gaia*

    So I recently rediscovered Noxcema.

    When I was younger I could not use it because it really inflamed my acne. Which is weird because it is kind of infamous for healing acne.

    I recently have been breaking out a little and a friend suggested I give it a try so I figure it can’t hurt and Oh. My. God. Literally cleared up overnight and my skin is bright and beautiful.

    I’m going to have to find more of this stuff if this continues.

    1. SpellingBee*

      I have a friend who’s in her 70s, and all she’s ever used on her face is Noxzema. She has the most beautiful complexion I’ve ever seen! It irritates my rosacea so I can’t use it, unfortunately.

  95. MOAS*

    Anyone have experience or insight on this? In August I was notified that my specialist would be leaving the practice on 10/1. I had an appt on 9/12 with her and she told me to come back in exactly 4 weeks (10/9). Since it was after 10/1, I specifically asked her “will you be here?” She said yes and was in a hurry. So I went back On 10/9 as instructed.

    Well I recently got a bill from their office for $600. Normally my insurance covers the visit but after a few calls, I found out they rejected it this time. Rejection was because that dr was out of network and therefore not covered. They said she left the practice and therefore became out of network as of 8/1! I said that’s not what was communicated to me.

    My September visit was covered and she instructed me to come back in October And she had confirmed she would be there. The insurance rep gave me a claims # and said they’ll try again because this was new information for them and it was never clearly communicated to me. Had I known she’d be “gone” I would have done something else. I’m pissed and anxious now that I’m on the hook for a huge bill.

    1. Enough*

      Good luck. And that is ridiculous. Practice should have sent out a letter specifically stating she was leaving the insurance network not the actual physical office. I have had doctors and dentists both do this. I have either gotten a letter or (not as good) a sign was posted at check-in outlining the change.

  96. Kendra*

    I’ve had to move without notice several times in the past year. It breaks my heart that my nice clothing gets wrinkled! I have 2 suitcases I have to fit my whole life into; any suggestions for keeping nice clothes nice for free?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Is there a reason why ironing won’t get the wrinkles out? If you’re stuffing things quickly into suitcases, they’re going to get wrinkled, that’s just the nature of the beast. If you don’t have an iron, hang them up in the bathroom while you shower, but some good old-fashioned elbow grease is your best bet here.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          What materials are you dealing with? Most things can be ironed. They might need less heat or a gentler touch, but I rarely encounter anything that can’t be pressed in some way.

          You can also pack things more neatly and hang them up when you get to wherever you’re going.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Downy wrinkle release spray isn’t free, but it’s inexpensive. Hanging clothes up when damp can get most wrinkles out too.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Yes! Well, not completely free but super cheap. Back in the day, valets and ladies maids used to pack everything in tissue paper. When garments are folded correctly with tissue either layered inside or stuffed into structured pieces, they come out looking fresh.
      Then hang them in a steamy bathroom ASAP, you’ll be surprised how well it works.

      Of course, you also need enough room so that you’re not stuffing things in and crushing them, so that may be part of it. If you’re stuffing the bags very full and leaving everything in for weeks, it may not be possible to prevent wrinkles.

      1. Sometimes Always Never*

        Yes, along this line, you can carefully fold or roll, depending on fabric, using the thin, clear, plastic bag material that you get when you pick your clothes up from the drycleaner. And it always helps to unpack ASAP so wrinkles don’t have as much time to set, as well as using a garment bag-type suitcase, with tissue paper/drycleaner bags in between the clothes.

    5. Alex*

      My handheld steamer was less than 30 bucks, packs easily, and disappears wrinkles in minutes, even from non-ironable fabrics. An excellent investment.

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Well, do you have to use suitcases? A great investment for me, was the wardrobe box (comes in short or long) from U-haul. has a hanging bar. I put my suits in mine, and just transported them that way. (Of course, had a truck… might not fit in an SUV).
      You can also get a hanging bar for the back seat of your car. Or used to. It went between the two “hang up” hooks above the passenger doors. otherwise, try zip-tying a shower curtain rod to the hand-holds above the door in the SUV (if it has it) etc.
      But I did invest in a hand-held steamer. Even following the “how to pack without wrinkles” tutorial, just doesn’t save everything. (Particularly linen skirts).

    7. Sc@rlettNZ*

      By “moving without notice” do you mean fleeing in the middle of the night? Because that’s where my imagination went to. If you are stuffing your clothes into a couple of suitcases, then, yes, they will wrinkle. Buy a steamer.

      1. valentine*

        fleeing in the middle of the night
        If this is the case and your clothes are okay when kept rolled, keep them in a duffel or laundry bag and live out of those or keep your suitcase packed and put the nice stuff in last. You might also keep an empty box for the nice stuff to go into last-minute. If you have a car, keep them flat in a pile. When you want garment three, you roll 1-2 off length-wise and pull out 3. When you need to go, you pick up the pile and lay it flat in your backseat or in your trunk, especially if you have a divider that restrains grocery bags. Garment bags might also be good. I would aim for anything with handles and anything that reduces the trips and keeps your hands as free as possible. You may also want to consider storing the nice stuff and adopting a hardier wardrobe until you find a permanent safe space (which may mean living alone).

    8. ..Kat..*

      If you have a clothes dryer available (the USA kind that actually warms your clothes), put the clothes, a fabric softener sheet, and a slightly damp hand towel (get it wet, then really wring it dry) into the dryer. Turn the dryer on to a low heat setting. Run the dryer for 5 to 10 minutes. Then immediately remove the clothes from the dryer and hang them up or fold them.

  98. Free Meerkats*

    Well, crap. Rudy Boesch had died. I thought he was one of the most enjoyable Survivor contestants.

  99. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We just booked our annual Christmas beach week, and I am SO relieved. We haven’t had a vacation since the last Christmas beach week because we moved cities, and I am so looking forward to getting away. Because we waited longer than usual (we usually book in September) we had to spend a little more… but I looked at my partner and was all, “Hey, you have a job now, this is ok.” Funny how that works.

  100. Aurora Leigh*

    Ah, family drama.

    My aunt and uncle very kindly offered to pay for the food at our wedding reception (coming in May!). We accepted. We’re planning a low key affair and could have afforded it ourselves, but my aunt really wanted to do it.

    My parents haven’t offered us any financial help with the wedding and were very disapproving of my fiance when we first moved in together, so I wasn’t expecting anything from them.

    But my grandma let slip to my mom that my aunt is paying and now my mom is furious . . . At least she has 6 months to get over it?

    1. fposte*

      Wow, that’s odd. What’s Mom’s beef? Is she still disapproving and thinks that Grandma is helping you go astray, or is this because she and your dad are doing nothing so Grandma’s being generous when they’re not?

      1. Observer*

        My bet it’s a combination of being shown up and “how dare you approve of something WE didn’t approve of!”

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          Yes, this! Plus, my mom has always been worried I might like my aunt more than her . . . My family dynamic can be messed up.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        The fact that my aunt offered us money and we accepted it. . . The fact that I’m getting married to a man she didn’t choose for me . . . The fact that I’m an adult and have made my own life choices in general . . . Take your pick!

    3. Not A Manager*

      You might want to take a look at the Captain Awkward archives about family and weddings. First of all, know that you don’t HAVE to invite anyone to your wedding, no matter who they are. If you think your mother is likely to disrupt the day, or if the thought of navigating her make you too upset, there are ways to just… not have her there. If you decide to invite her, you can certainly appoint a “mother minder” to stick close to her and keep her occupied, and maybe some “mother shields” to keep her away from you.

      In terms of her being angry, it doesn’t sound like you’ll get very far having any conversations with her about it. If you are in contact with her right now, I’d just keep the conversation pretty bland.

      Also, what’s up with your grandmother? Why did she “let slip” something so clearly explosive? You might think about who in your family can be trusted with what information.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Mark Twain said that three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead. It’s very hard to keep this stuff under raps. At some point I decided that the word “secret” actually means everyone already knows but isn’t saying.

        I guess mom missed the memo. I think we have pretty much grown a little more sophisticated as a society in regard to spouse selection. I am thinking of Shakespeare and Romeo and Juliet. It’s pretty much common knowledge that off-spring will move forward with their choice of spouse with or without parent approval. Likewise for siblings, a sibling can disapprove of a choice of spouse and the marriage happens anyway. It’s taken us a while to get here but we are finally close to realizing we can’t pick people’s spouses for them.

        With this all in mind, I feel pretty safe saying that with or without your aunt and uncle’s lovely gift , you’d still get married. So mom’s upset here is misplaced. Good for your aunt and uncle for seeing right through the situation. This is one of the many roles aunts and uncles play in family life, they balance out the unfairness that can happen. You will forever remember that.

        Your mom blew it in a big way. She is on the outside looking in, now, and she put herself there. And she knows it on some level. And you will forever remember this also.
        I am sorry she is not supporting your life decision here. But I am glad your aunt and uncle are helping. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

  101. Jean (just Jean)*

    Sorry to hear that your mom has a hard time being supportive if your choices don’t mirror her opinions.
    On the bright side, you and your fiance have found each other and are building a life together, and your aunt sounds supportive of your decisions.
    Since you’re no longer paying for refreshments, perhaps you can consider hiring some discreet wedding security (not a bouncer, just someone to glom onto your mom and skillfully redirect her if she wants to raise a fuss).

  102. LGC*

    Really late update since my phone imploded as I was coming out of the finish chute: 2:54:23! So, slightly better than what I ran last year – which was pretty impressive because I 1) felt less fit than I did last year and 2) felt like three times better than I did at the finish last year!

    New Yorkers – I was the tall dude in the black and pink striped calf sleeves. At least one dude at the start and 7 people along the course complimented me on my audacity. (This is also a plug for Pro Compression, because their calf sleeve grab bag CAME THROUGH this year.)

    2. Third or Nothing!*

      Congrats! Several people from my local running club went up for the NYC. It looked cold but fun.

      Nice to see other runners on here. And I find it amusing that my comment is right below yours and they’re both running related, even though I posted without browsing first.

  103. Third or Nothing!*

    HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS I’M DOING MY VERY FIRST HALF MARATHON ON SATURDAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    I should have asked for this whole week off because I’m already a nervous wreck and it’s only Monday.

  104. Limbonic*

    I received a verbal offer for a job on Friday. I gave a verbal yes but said I would wait for a formal offer letter before giving my notice at my current job. Their HR was going to work on tying up loose ends with my references (who had already been called by the interviewer, by mistake as it turned out, since HR was supposed to do that) and I was told a formal HR offer would be forthcoming. How long can these waits for offer letters take? I need to give my current employer at least two weeks’ notice but if this drags on too long, I won’t be able to start on the date we talked about after the interview.

    Now I have some of my references contacting me and saying they spoke to the interviewer, gave me a good reference, etc and I would love to respond and thank them, but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that until I have a formal offer in hand. So I’m just in this uncomfortable limbo right now. (On top of it, my current employer likely has no idea I am about to leave, so I’m eager to get that revelation over with…)

    What happens if I don’t hear back by next Monday? Should I contact the person who gave me the verbal offer, or the HR department, or just keep waiting?

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