weekend free-for-all – November 23-24, 2019

by Alison Green on November 23, 2019

cats named Wallace and Sophie cuddle together in a chairThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Baby Thief: The Untold Story of Georgia Tann, the Baby Seller Who Corrupted Adoption, by Barbara Bisantz Raymond. This is the horrifying true story of a woman in the first half of the 20th century who openly kidnapped hundreds of children and sold them to wealthy adoptive parents.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,327 comments }

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  1. Jenny*

    Could anyone recommend me some videos about strength programmes and exercises for absolute beginners?
    I have just joined our work gym, which has free weights, some weight related whose names I don’t know, rowing machines, treadmills and exercise bikes.
    Im a 43 year old woman and have literally never picked up a weight before, but I want to keep my strength up as I age.
    The gym doesn’t have trainers and you can’t bring in external trainers, so it’s down to what you can learn to do yourself.
    Thank you!

    2. Fran*

      I have been using fitnessblender.com for years. All their videos are available for free on youtube but you can buy monthly or 2 month programs that you buy once and you can use as many times as you please. I own most of them. You have a digital calendar where you know what is your daily exercise and follow along. They do not sell supplements and I appreciate that. You will need your phone or a tablet at the gym. The directions are easy and usually there is a description with the exercises included so you know what to expect.

      1. CrazyPlantLady*

        I also use and love Fitness Blender. For strength training I recommend buying their program Strong. It lays out exactly which of the free videos to do every day for 4 weeks to make sure you’re not working the same muscles two days in a row. You can also push everything back a day if you’re too sore or only plan to workout 3-4 days a week instead of 5 plus a stretching day.

        1. MKM*

          Also a Fitness Blender fan(atic). Even without buying the programs, it’s easy to sort and filter to upper body, fitness level, timing, available equipment, etc. I would recommend sorting by “newest” when you begin as they are a lot more user friendly!

      2. gsa*

        Jenny,

        What’s your goal?

        What’s your current fitness level?

        At 50yo, 6’4” and <200# people think I’m fit, and I am not!

        1. Jenny*

          Gosh, I have to have a goal? This is the kind of thing I find scary about fitness ;-)
          I want to be fit and active and able to live independently age 80, and that means (I understand) starting now to build up strength to compensate for the natural muscle loss with age.
          I like running and hiking in the woods, but that doesn’t build upper body strength. So friends have advised taking up some kind of strength work. This gym is available and cheap. That’s as far as it goes.

    3. Lois lane*

      I have been using workout videos ( on DVD but she also has free workouts on YouTube) by Jessica Smith. Usually she shows 3 options, beginner, intermediate and advanced. I’m currently finishing week 4 of her six week total body transformation and my knee pain is gone! Her workouts are generally 30 minutes. She is very girl-next-door pleasant and not annoyingly cute nor a drill sergeant. I highly recommend her.

    4. I❤️Spreadsheets*

      I loved using the New Rules of Lifting for Women. It’s a book but the photos and instructions are really easy to follow. The program also develops over time adding in new exercises so that you don’t get bored.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      There are some articles, which usually contain video demos, of exercises for beginners at nerdfitness . com. Search for this article: 5 Best Strength Training Workout Routines For Beginners. There are some video demos towards the bottom of the page. There’s also one for body weight exercises for beginners, which is really easy to do at home if you can’t make it into the gym that day. I would say to do less reps that what the article says. I discovered the articles after I’d been working out for awhile and I think the reps are too many for someone truly starting from scratch. Good luck!!

    6. rj*

      I have used various online trainers – I think that Nia Shanks has some good programs that (when I used them) you could print out, and hthere’s a “start” thing at the top of her website that has good info.

    8. Holly J.*

      I recommend a program called “Strong Lifts.” It’s online — I would link it if it were allowed.

    9. Gaia*

      I don’t have videos but I will say this: start slow. Rest in between. And make sure you keep good posture. If something hurts – stop. There is a difference between “I’m a bit tired from exercise” and “I hurt myself.” Exercise, even strength training, should never be painful.

      I prefer functional strength training which focuses on movements we make in real life.

    11. Earthwalker*

      I ran into the author of Stumptuous (https://stumptuous.com/) in a fitness chat when I was in my 40s about 20 years ago. She gave me a lot of good info and encouragement. Her advice on women and weight training is still great and she’s just updated her site.

    12. What the What*

      For things you can do at home: Jenny Ford has some great videos (Amazon PrimeVideo, YouTube and subscription). She has some strength building, step and marching workouts. Very good instructions and easy to follow. Margaret Richard is great for beginners as well.

    13. Two Dog Night*

      I’d recommend “Strong Women Stay Young”–it’s not recent, but it has a lot of good, basic information

    14. Jenny*

      Thank you everyone. I’ve taken a look at Fitness Blender and it looks like a great starting point.
      I’ll let you know how it goes.

    15. CB*

      Good luck! Something I learned early in my fitness journey is that you shouldn’t feel pressured to immediately jump into free weights. There are a lot of exercises where you can build up a base level of strength (like air squats) and then slowly incorporate weights as you are able. Also, don’t forget to stretch!

  2. Venus*

    Is anyone able to spend time with plants or in the garden? The snow has melted a bit here so I will try to clean up a bit this weekend.

    2. Jdc*

      Ours all died since it’s been below freezing plenty but we have our peppers inside. We are having bugs now because of them now though so my husband is debating getting a grow light and keeping them in the basement. Just normal bugs that come with plants but with 9 pepper plants it’s a bit too many bugs for inside.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll be wiping down my houseplants with rubbing alcohol against whitefly. It’s tedious!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      My little plant buddies came with me to the parental unit’s house when I moved (no way was I was gonna leave them behind). I have one ponytail palm, a large pot with two umbrella plants (I thought it was just one until I repotted it), and three pothos. All of them, except the ponytail palm, came from former workplaces. They’re currently hanging out in the sunroom. It’s not exactly warm in there, but they seem okay for now. I probably need to dust them.

      Speaking of the umbrella plants, they’d been ailing for a long time and I couldn’t figure out why. It finally dawned on me that they might need repotting. When I took them out, I discovered that their cocoa hull mulch was ALL they had! There was no dirt. No wonder they were unhappy! Now they’re putting out new sprouts, aren’t dropping leaves, and are feeling much better. I ended up with enough cocoa hulls to cover their dirt and all the other plants as well.

    5. NewReadingGlasses*

      My coleus cuttings all have roots! I’ll be putting them in dirt tomorrow. A couple of them are WAYYY more vigorous than the others, so they get to go first.

    6. Trixie*

      While I’m in my current job/employer, I bring my house plants to work. My office has so much more natural light (such as it is now) plus the building is warmer.
      My two newest additions I love, a baby rosemary tree and holiday cactus from Aldi’s. I’m hoping the rosemary tree lasts, will need to repot before long for better soil. Love fresh rosemary but this may end up being too fresh!

    7. No Green Thumb*

      For the first time ever, I cleared out my entire garden and planted a cover crop – oats and peas. I will cut it down and till it in in early spring. I planted a week ago before our first rain of the season and it is already sprouting. I have high hopes for a significant improvement in my crummy soil. Southern California so no frost here.

    8. Dahlia Enthusiast*

      I finally planted some fall bulbs. Late, but I’ve had other pressing deadlines…. and the weather wasn’t cooperating.
      The dahlia bed is all mulched for the winter, and I’m trying to plan a kind of potager garden in the front, off the kitchen. Basically, I’m hoping to create something that looks cool out of edible plants.

  3. Julia*

    Last week I wrote about an ongoing conflict I have with my mother, and how I finally snapped at her and hung up. I ended up blocking her number, then unblocking two days later because you never know if there’s not a family emergency. I’m still in contact with my grandma, and I text my brothers sporadically, one about my niece, the other about random stuff. My mother has not texted or emailed me all week, which is super rare. She usually texts every day, even if she has nothing else to say than “hope you’re finally off work” at my 4pm…

    I’m starting to get worried. I want her to stop pestering me about my life decisions, but I didn’t mean to mentally harm her. (Despite her doing a lot of harm to me about my weight, my face, my English…) I’m also getting really worried about her throwing out all the stuff I still have in their house because I couldn’t take it with me internationally. A lot of sentimental pieces, stuffed animals, books… I guess my father might stop her if she tried to, but he’s a huge throw-awayer himself and has literally thrown away papers I had on my desk because they were “lying around”.

    I’ve texted my younger brother to see if he’s heard anything, but he lives a country over himself, and my older brother always manages to blame me for overreacting to our mother as “that’s just who she is”, so even though he lives closer to her, I don’t think he’ll be of much help. I can’t just call my father because they only have one shared line.

    What do I do?

    1. Bagpuss*

      Can you contact your Dad directly? Or even contact your mum via text if you don’t want to actually speak to her at the moment.
      It sounds as though she is most likely angry because you stood up to her and it may be that giving her space to cool down is the best thing, but if it is causing you stress, then a quick text to say ‘hope you and Dad are OK ‘ would be an option.
      You could also ask your brother if he is willing to call or text them, just to ask how they are, and then to confirm to you he has spoken to them.

    2. Julia*

      Okay, she just emailed me about something, so I guess she’s not that mad.
      My brother said she sounded desperate because she doesn’t know what she did wrong…

      1. !*

        Sounds like you shook her up a bit and now may be a good opportunity to call and tell her why you hung up and blocked her number (and that you will do it again). Ask her to just listen to you and not interrupt while you get it all out. I don’t know what it is with mothers who just can’t let their adult children alone and are always trying to control/change us. They *think* it’s because they love us, but if all it does is make us feel bad, then how could that be love? All I know is that my mother and I had a contentious relationship, she was very critical of me, and it took me moving away to develop confidence in myself and my abilities. At this time in our lives, I’m the one who is trying to get HER to change (for the better, of course!) but have realized I can’t change her and her ways so now just talk about other things.

        1. valentine*

          she just emailed me about something […]
          She’s manipulating you. She’s trained you to experience her feelings as an emergency and to be her personal first responder. You won’t be free as long as you believe you need to keep contact. Your dad won’t get his own number because that reduces her control and, as long as he doesn’t stand up to her, he’s sitting pretty as the (“real”/”worse”) bad guy’s right arm who doesn’t have to do any work, like treating you better or learning healthy communication skills.

          If there were an actual emergency: Wouldn’t you hear about it from someone else? What can you really do from where you are? Things happen. You could miss a decision that needs to be made while you’re in a meeting or in the bathroom. It’s not possible to always be available.

          My brother said she sounded desperate because she doesn’t know what she did wrong…
          She knows exactly what she did. That was the push. You disengaged. The silent treatment is the pull. You engaged. This is the old push-pull cycle that keeps you on the hook.

          See if any of this rings true:
          http://issendai.com/wp/estrangement/why-dont-estranged-children-say/
          http://issendai.com/wp/estrangement/how-blameless-we-all-are/
          http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/dysfunctional-beliefs.html

          1. Julia*

            Oh, my dad isn’t really much better than her, he just only attacks when I’m in the same room with him.

            I don’t want to go fully no contact, but I also think that !’s suggestion to get her to listen probably won’t work, because it never has. They always find a way to blame me, even though I was a kid when they were adults, or now it’s my “mental issues”.

            1. Arts Akimbo*

              But, this is the cycle of abuse. You can never “get her” to listen, because this is the pattern she prefers. You can only get free of it if you disengage. Please read the articles valentine linked.

              1. Julia*

                I know that. Sorry, I just replied to the end of this thread instead of to ! individually. Their suggestion is valid for normal people, but unfortunately not for my parents – although I appreciate that they took the time to write out a suggestion that would have worked on regular folks.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Please retrieve anything from your mother’s house that you want to keep, even if you have to stack boxes of stuff at your place.

          1. Lime green Pacer*

            Maybe the brother can do that? But I would start to mentally write off those items. At the end of the day, they’re just stuff; don’t let people use it to manipulate you.

            1. Lime green Pacer*

              Another thought: if there is someone that you can trust to do this, write up a list of the most important, irreplaceable, small things there. Have someone retrieve them and ship them to you.

              1. Julia*

                Thank you. I do live in a different country and none of my brothers would be willing or able to help. The next time I go, I’ll try to pack some up and get them to a storage unit.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I’d recommend emotionally bracing yourself to lose those sentimental things. This is under the heading of prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

      Sentimental things are really strange over time. What we think we enjoy or are attached to,we can end up getting rid of as the years roll on. When my father lost his house (medical bills) he said take this stuff or never see it again. We both had surprises on that one. He and I were both surprised by what I ended up taking and what I ended up leaving behind. Storing stuff is a problem. Sometimes an item is no longer useful or the item is broken in a manner that it cannot be used. Some stuff is just worn beyond belief and only a thing of beauty to me and not anyone else. The real surprises came when I realized some of the stuff had a sentimental value that was a Big Negative for me. I got rid of the Big Negatives as soon as I realized that the item provided NO comfort to me.

      I am talking about all this because holding on to a toxic relationship so we can get “our things” might not be as practical a plan as we might think initially. It’s more of a plan that is based on emotions and can in some instances end up hurting us more than if we just let go of the items.

      I hope I can encourage you to keep yourself safe first and foremost. It’s a good idea to watch out for people who roller coaster their relationships with us. Decide how long you want to ride that roller coaster and how you will know when you are done with the roller coaster.

    4. CL Cox*

      Do you have any friends who live near your parents’ place who could store some boxes for you until you can retrieve them yourself?

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Sounds like she’s giving you the silent treatment as punishment for snapping at her. Basically, she wants you to come crawling back and begging for forgiveness. Given that she’s got access to stuff you left behind, you have a couple options.

      You could fold. But that just means that she won (in her mind), and you will have a harder time getting her to respect your boundaries in the future.

      Or you could stand your ground. Depending on how stubborn she is, this could actually turn into a protracted period of no contact. And it also means that you’re going to have to write off whatever you left behind, and anything that doesn’t get thrown out is a pleasant surprise.

      You may want to read through this: www. issendai.com /psychology /estrangement/ missing-missing-reasons.html (remove all the spaces to make the link work). I don’t know your situation is exactly, but if your mother hasn’t been willing to let her adult child make their own decisions without being nasty about it, she’s got something going on. Minor, major, who knows.

      Assuming that you end up back in communication with her, you can try training her away from the negative behaviors. It sounds horrible, but basically dog training tactics can be effective. She isn’t nasty/controlling/meddling/whatever, and you talk to her, are pleasant, etc. She does something you don’t like, then she doesn’t get the attention. Get off the phone and don’t call for a week. Then try again.

      Long term – you need to get whatever you actually want to keep out of her control. Easier said than done of course.

      1. Julia*

        I’ve definitely ignored all texts that I didn’t like and only responded to the nice or relevant ones.
        At the end of the day, while my mother can be really awful, it seems like my stuff is safe for now. After all, she wants me to come back, and she wants to paint herself as the reasonable, good mother to a mentally unstable daughter, so throwing my stuff out won’t go with that.

    6. Observer*

      Get someone over to your parents house to get everything and anything you want to save. Make some time to go back to Home Country to cull what you REALLY want to keep and put that in storage. Yes, it’s going to cost you, but you need to not leave anything “hostage” to your mother. Although, don’t be surprised if she has already thrown stuff out.

      Then, stand your ground. I don’t mean telling your mother off. But understand that she’s not going to change who she is. So you need to figure out what you can deal with and what you can’t. And end your conversations when she gets to a point you can’t deal with. You won’t be harming her mentally.

    7. !*

      What is interesting is that you’ve asked what do you do, yet every piece of advice provided you have rebuked, even those from last week’s posting. Your life is up to you to live it, you (and your husband) are the one to decide who gets to make plans for where you will live, the jobs you will take, and how/when you have children. I think what you are struggling with is your confidence and conscience. I would imagine being raised by an overbearing, dominant mother will do that, she sounds awful, especially when she insists you go back to an employer who abused you, unforgivable. I would stick to less contact with her, and more focus on you and your husband’s plans for your life together. You can’t change your mother, but you can change your interactions with her.

      This is an interesting read: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/good-daughter/2018/06/should-i-go-low-contact-or-no-contact-with-my-difficult-narcissistic-mother-read-this-first/

      1. Julia*

        It just seems like she’s not always as bad as I make her seem here. I still want the bad times validated (by her, but that won’t happen), but I don’t think I necessarily have to go no contact because people on the internet say I do. (Or that I have to give up all my stuff. Good if you can do that, but I’d hate to.)
        Also, saying “I don’t have anyone to go there” in a town I haven’t lived in in years isn’t rebuking a suggestion – what do you want me to do, make up a fictional friend?

        1. Cat Wrangler*

          I know it’s late in the weekend, but I’m just going to point this out: one of the ways you know when things are wrong is when they SOUND wrong when you’re telling the story to someone else. Chances are if a friend called in panic to tell you something like this, you’d be able to see that this person is being, on some level, played.

          My father is rather like your mother, and he is very good at the innocent *blink* “What’d I do?” followed by the sad old man pout, followed by, if I’m really lucky, ”I’m just a stupid old man,” or my very favorite, “Your mother used to keep me from making mistakes like this.” My mother has been gone 20 years. All my old friends think he’s just the sweetest thing, but he’s not. It’s taken me a long time to let myself admit that.

          Please trust your gut on this. If it feels like harm, it’s harm. I’m sorry this is what you have to deal with.

          PS I lost my high school memorabilia to one of his ploys. I couldn’t come visit him RIGHT AWAY, so he trashed it. Cue “I’m just a stupid old man.” I’ve been ok without it; my high school years sucked. But I know, easy for me to say.

          1. !*

            This seems to fit here:

            gaslighting
            manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

  4. Neela*

    Ugh Bath and Body Works keeps drawing me in with their constant sales. Where else has candles and lotions with really good scents? (And why have Bath and Body Works’ lotions become so perfumey? I don’t think they used to be.)

    1. CopperPenny*

      I often find candles I like at TJ Max and Ross and those types of stores, but it depends strongly on taste and their current stock.

      Bath and body works has always had at least some lotions that smell super strong. My parents banned me from using the lotions in the car when I was a teen, at least 10 years ago.

      1. Zephy*

        +1 suggestion for TJ Maxx/Ross, also Homegoods/Marshall’s. I’m planning to make a run down the street to one of those today, for a candle as a matter of fact!

    2. Three owls in a trench coat*

      You’re right, I grew up using Bath and Body Works but in more recent years a lot of the scents are too strong or perfumey for my taste.

      I rarely use candles so I can’t suggest any, but I love The Body Shop’s body butter. It’s moisturizing and comes in a lot of scents, most of which I find pleasant and not too strong. I don’t have an actual Body Shop store near me so I usually get them at Ulta when they’re on sale (buy one get one 50% off, etc.)

    3. Jdc*

      I think they always were perfumey that’s why I moved away from it years ago. I still like their candles though. I honestly can’t go into the store anymore though because all the conflicting smells mixed gives me a headache. I do like the quality of their lotion though.

    4. Rebecca*

      I wish I could report on the 4 candles I ordered on Oct 20 – but they still aren’t here! Of course my card was charged, and the shipping date and arrival date keeps getting moved out. I keep checking, and now it says “estimated delivery Nov 25” and “Processed”. Putting the UPS tracking number in the UPS site results in “UPS could not locate the shipment details for this tracking number”. At this point, I either want these shipped with the costs refunded, or the entire order canceled. I’ll have to call them, I guess.

    5. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

      Target has some good candle brands in their Home section. I’ve liked the Chesapeake Bay brand personally (I haven’t seen seasonal scents from them though if that’s what you’re looking for).

      I also like the WoodWick candle scents, I find them to be a bit less intense than Bath and Body Works.

    6. Cora*

      I’ve found Target candles (Opalhouse brand, I think?) to be comparable to Bath & Body Works candles in terms of amount of scent given off when burning. They don’t have a huge selection, but great seasonal scents.

      For lotions, I like the love, beauty, and planet brand. Also Ulta has a good selection of lotions and frequent sales.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Bath and Body Works and The Body Shop have something in their stuff that irritates my skin. I’ve never been able to use their products. :( I’ve been moving away from perfumed stuff anyway.

    8. Teacher Lady*

      I buy scented candles from an Etsy store called Silver Dollar Candle Co. and I love their candles!

    9. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      Trader Joe’s and Target both sell scented organic soy candles, which are great because they have fewer volatile organic chemicals than traditional candles. They were the only kind I could use for a long time without bothering my allergies.

      Weirdly, I keep one cheap stinky candle around for Halloween: their nasty chemicals do an excellent job drying out a jack o lantern and preventing mold in a way that soy candles don’t.

    10. Leslie*

      I really like EO Everyone’s lotions. They are not terribly expensive, but nice quality and they have a good scent, but not too much.

    11. Not My Money*

      My favorite candles are from Partylite. Yes, I know it’s an MLM but the candles are great and I only order when I want.

    12. Lindsay*

      I like the smell of The Body Shop’s stuff better, and you can often find it half-price in TJ Maxx or Marshall’s.

    13. noahwynn*

      Aldi has candles on the seasonal aisle periodically that I love. Pretty much dupes for BBW 3 wick candles. Usually only 3-4 scents at a time though. I usually buy 2 or 3 when they have one I like.

    14. Arts Akimbo*

      I like Crabtree & Evelyn’s lotions, and Yankee Candles for a variety of great, long-lasting scented candles.

    15. MechanicalPencil*

      I purchase from 42 Nerdtastic Place — you can google that for the link. There’s a wide variety of scents. Amanda makes them all herself. They have wood wicks, which I apparently like. It also helps a small business out. Sometimes it’s hard to decide on scents because it’s all online, but she always lists every ingredient in the candle, and she’s very good at describing candle scents or knowing that I don’t like really sweet smells, so don’t get XYZ candle. And! She has the option of you creating your own candle.

      Clearly I have a small obsession.

    16. Liz*

      Not BBW but every other freaking store with their pre super Black Friday sales! I have placed probably, no lie, 8 orders with Macys in the last week. (Credit card holder, platinum status). Its BAD……

  5. Princess Deviant*

    I’d be grateful if you could give me some advice.
    I’m really struggling with my mental health, and I feel very lonely. I’m on medication and I can get therapy, which does help.
    I can’t exercise very much due to pain in my knee, which is really getting me down in itself.

    My diet is poor! I end up eating rubbish, which – again – isn’t helping.
    I do feel very lonely. I don’t have many friends, and a long-standing ‘friendship’ of mine just ended. To be honest, I’m grateful about that. We weren’t always good to or for each other.

    My other good friend lives far away and is married so I don’t really want to be mithering her, plus it’s not her job to make me feel better.

    I’m waiting for an autism spectrum diagnosis. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I just went for a promotion in work, for example, and although they said my application was “absolutely brilliant”, and my interview was “really good”, basically I’m not a people person, so I didn’t get it. I was gutted.

    I’d love a romantic relationship, but I struggle to connect to people. I’ve been internet dating, which has knocked my confidence even further! It’s very…disheartening.

    I’m not sure what to do. I think I want to connect to people (hence being on here) but am not sure how.

    Thanks in advance.

    1. anonymouse*

      Do you have the time and energy to volunteer? Look for something that would get you interacting with people; I highly recommend working with kids or seniors. Even volunteering with the SPCA can mean interacting with cute animals and other volunteers. Don’t go into this with the mission of, “I need to make friends,” so much as: “I want to go out and interact with people and open myself up to being kind and receiving kindness.”

      Sociability can be like a muscle. If you don’t use it, it can lose it.

      1. Alex*

        Second volunteering. It is actually a pretty well-accepted idea that volunteering helps depression. I also often struggle with mental health, and I’ve made a point to always have *some* volunteer work in my life to help combat it.

        I used “Volunteer Match” to find a volunteer opportunity in my area.

      2. Princess Deviant*

        Thanks, anonymouse and Alex. I’ve had a look online and there is a donkey and horse sanctuary near me. This week, I’m finding out if they need any extra volunteers. I’d love to do that. Failing that there is a cat rescue nearby…

    2. misspiggy*

      Might it be worth reaching out to Autism networks, perhaps online, to see whether friendships develop there?

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Thanks for the idea. I had a look at this and there’s an adult autism group that meets once a month near me. I’ve put it in my diary to go there on the 1st December.

    3. Jemima Bond*

      My only advice for internet dating would be keep at it and try not to be downhearted – it’s very much a numbers game! In the second “session” of Internet dating in my life, I went on at least one date with sixteen people before I met my OH and that’s not counting the ones I contacted but didn’t reply or the ones who messaged me but I wasn’t into. You really have to keep your optimism up; it’s not easy but when something comes to nothing I found it was best to mentally shake myself off and think, right, NEXT! :-)

      As for other things – would it help to decide to “fix” one thing at a time so it feels do-able? How about your diet – you say you aren’t eating well so how about improving what you eat and ignoring other stuff for now. Speak to a doctor, try to establish some small changes, don’t try anything too radical that you can’t sustain. E.g. do you feel you eat a lot of fast food? Don’t say you’re never having it again (You’re less likely to keep to it) but maybe say you’re only going to have it on a Friday or the day you work late/rush out to an activity. Do people bring lots of cake/biscuits/sweets to your work? Say you won’t give them up but you’ll only have one cookie.
      Also get a recipe book and learn to cook. If you cook from basic ingredients and less by heating prepared foods, and always do some veg or salad, you’ll probably eat a lot better. And the learning will have other benefits such as online recipe sharing communities, maybe going to a class relaxing time for yourself etc. It’s a form of self care really.

      Oooh – maybe read “Saved By Cake” by Marian Keyes. Wonderful Irish author, has bouts of crippling depression; she learnt to bake and it really helped! Plus the book teaches you to bake.
      https://www.mariankeyes.com/books/saved-by-cake/

      1. The Grammarian*

        I agree with this poster about internet dating–I did it for a year before meeting the man who became my husband, and prior to hitting it off with him, I faced A LOT of rejections. Just think of it as not being compatible vs. something being wrong with you–it really is about compatibility!

      2. Ra94*

        Seconding the idea of doing one thing at a time. Also, in CBT I found it very helpful to keep “action precedes motivation” as a mantra. When I’m low, my instinct is never to do the things that would make me feel better (going for a walk, joining a new class, eating salad instead of junk.) I just have to DO the good thing, like an automaton, and then I know I’ll feel better after.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          Yes, very true. I always find the getting up and doing something difficult, but hopefully reminding myself of how I will feel at the end of it will help me do it!

      3. Princess Deviant*

        Great name! I liked your ideas very much. I think the “do little things” makes a lot of sense. It’s sort of like the UnF*ck Your Habitat thing: 20 minutes, on 10 minutes off. I am making small changes, such as eating veg or a bit of fruit with every meal, and cutting snacks down.

        Also, I saw your comment further on about singing – I love singing! I used to be in a choir for 7 years when I was a teenager. It made me think I’d love to join one again. I’ve been looking around this weekend for a choir I can join now as an adult. Unfortunately, they seem to be more expensive than I can afford (£27/month!) so I will keep searching, maybe just for a free community one or something. I can’t really bring myself to go to a church one. I am a student part time so I will see if there is a good one at the university too.

    4. Anon for this one*

      Hey there, you’re not alone. I’ve also been very lonely and struggling with my mental health lately. I also don’t really have any friends, but it’s something I’m working on. I’ve finally found a therapist who is “THE ONE” and have started to get to a point where I actually feel good enough about myself to want to try going out and socializing.

      Is there someone like a doctor, personal trainer, or physical therapist you can reach out to who can suggest exercises that you can do with your knee pain? You might also want to look up “chair exercise” or “chair yoga” designed for those with limited mobility.

      As for your diet, I’ve found that taking things one day at a time and making small changes helps. You can eat the unhealthier foods you love, just less often and in smaller portions. It’s so easy to compare yourself to what others are doing, but you have to acknowledge your own small victories. You ate a fruit AND a veggie today! Someone brought donuts to the office and you only had one instead of two! Also, try to make some healthy meals when you’re having a good day. That way you’ll have them on hand and won’t be as tempted to eat junk when you’re having a rough time.

      Volunteering is a great way to meet people and animals if you have the time and energy to do it. Have you ever heard of Meetup.com ? It could help you find others in your area with shared interests.

      I wish you all the best with everything!

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you, Anon.
        I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely and struggling too. I have found THE ONE for my therapist, too! She’s really helped in the past and I am seeing her again in the new year. I can talk to people at the university too, so I don’t feel alone with thoughts.

        Re: the physical exercise: I saw a post by fposte further down which mentioned patellofemoral pain syndrome, so I looked it up – and holy moly I think that’s what I have! The problem seems to be that the doctors just can’t diagnose me, and after 2 physiotherapists (who weren’t great to be honest), I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I have downloaded some knee exercises which I am going to try though, and I feel very hopeful about that.

        1. fposte*

          Happy to accidentally help! Patellofemoral pain is pretty common but is also a pretty mushy diagnosis with mushy treatment patterns, IMHO, so figuring out what works for you personally is really important.

    5. Jdc*

      I know this is minor but as exercise truly helps my mental health and as someone who also has bad knees, yoga. I use an app and it walks you through it. Also working out helps with the diet without even thinking because your body needs better food. The app has levels so you can go in slow. Plus you don’t have to look like a klutz like me in front of a class. Also has times, 15 min, 30…

      It’s called Asana Rebel.

      1. Lyys*

        I don’t know this specific program but I definitely second the yoga recommendation. My knees are in BAD shape. Tendonitis plus damage from sports and dance. I take a class (a way to meet people too) that’s mostly aimed at older people and people with some physical limitations (think 60+ or pregnant). And it’s a 50/50 shot whether the glucosamine supplements are effective or placebo but I do notice a difference.

      2. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you! I have booked myself for a yoga class this Thursday and I have also scheduled in a couple of swimming sessions this week too (if it’s not too cold!). I will check out that app.

    7. Popcorn and Moscato*

      Talk to your insurance to see if you have the option to connect with a nurse line. They are incredibly helpful. Try to give them a call to get help with finding out the best approach to your diet and exercise routine. They can help you figure out who you should work with so that you approach it in the healthiest way.

      Socially, I tend to be really awkward in person. I used to have a hard time making friends. For me what is helping is just putting myself out there. I’m finding that connecting with others is getting easier. Try to sign up for events in your area to volunteer with as others have suggested. Though, I’ve also found just taking that first step to message someone that I know to talk helped. Also, try to strike up conversations about things like their day, their family, celebrities, music, movies, books, ect. Friendships can take time to develop. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Ex: I tend to talk about Harry Potter, movies, books, workout routines, Disney + content, television shows, makeup, Jeffrey Star/Shane Dawson, coffee, wine, work, and a few other things. The most important thing to do when talking to someone is to ask about them. Talk to your therapist about your goal to make friends. They might have some really good advice. Your mental health always comes first.

      My closest friend and I have known each other since undergrad. We didn’t even start out as friends. We were in the same pre-med club and worked together. Our running joke became that everyone thought we were sisters and already besties. We eventually became really close. The friendship took time to develop.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Oh that is a good idea, and I am grateful that you have reminded me of this – I can get a free health programme through my work benefits.

    8. Aquawoman*

      I am likely on the autism spectrum and if not, very near to (never been diagnosed). I do better with activities that have some structure/focus to them — book clubs, e.g., or volunteer work. I have made most of my social connections through my church, which has a lot of groups and activities (and is UU so I don’t need to adhere to any set of dogmas). Group therapy was also very helpful for me. I’ll mention in case it helps that I’ve come to realize some of my need for social interactions or connection has been an expectation I’ve placed on myself rather than an actual need. I’m fairly solitary right now and get enough interaction from work and family and a little church stuff. I met my husband through on-line dating. The advice re online dating is generally cast a wide net/go on a lot of first dates and I didn’t do that at all. I was very selective who I would date, based on my feeling about them from initial emailing. You could also try the discussion boards at wrongplanet.net for some on-line autistic community.

    9. Amy*

      For making friends, Captain Awkward has you covered: https://captainawkward.com/2019/11/01/1244-how-do-i-turn-work-friends-into-real-friends/ – check out her archives too because there is a lot of really good advice. Making friends as an adult is a very different thing and it is definitely a skill one has to learn. I didn’t start having a group of friends until I was 33-ish because it was just too complicated.

      Re: autism, I’m awaiting a diagnosis myself and it is hard. I’ve done a lot of reading and I am assuming from your username that you are a woman, so I recommend reading Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. It really helped me to come to terms with how I was feeling and helped me understand myself better. I got it from my local library, so check there first. :)

      As for the diet stuff, I am a health at every size and fat acceptance proponent. If you’re unfamiliar with these concepts, please take some time to look into them. They really, really helped me overcome my shame, guilt and frustration with my body. Which in turn allowed me to care for it better because I learned to meet my body where it was instead of berating myself. I recommend Lessons from the Fatosphere by Kate Harding (book) and her website Shapely Prose: https://kateharding.net, Dances with Fat: danceswithfat.org/ and The Fat Nutritionist: http://www.fatnutritionist.com

      The online dating is a good idea. I’ve met all bar one of my partners online. :) I’ll point you to the Captain again though: https://captainawkward.com/2014/08/26/617-all-the-dating-advice-again/

      I wish you the very much of luck!

        1. Princess Deviant*

          LOL Thank you so much, that is really thoughtful of you. Thank you for the links, too. I’ve bookmarked these.

    10. rj*

      I have moved a bunch of times in life, and I resonate hard with the friends far away. And also the internet dating. It is hard. I don’t want to count how many first dates I’ve been on but it’s been a lot over about a decade.
      I second volunteering with animals. I have met many people who are not the most social with humans, who work with local animal rescues and have met great people through it. Or, if you like working with kids or older folks even if the socializing is hard, I think those two groups of people can be blunt but loving (often those volunteering things require background checks). Good luck.

    11. Scandinavian in Scandinavia*

      I have been very lonely for long periods of my life, but as another poster states, some of the loneliness was about my expectations rather than about my need for company. I tended to think abput how others might view me rather than about my needs.
      Something that has helped me at times of loneliness and depression is reading about existential loneliness; how we are all alone and all connected. The first pages of Thomas Merton’s No Man Is An Island are fantastic (afterwards, the book is very theological).
      Warm hugs and best wishes!

    12. Not So NewReader*

      A pretty simple thing that you can start today is looking at your hydration levels. If us humans don’t drink water regularly we can go into all kinds of problems- body aches, stinkin’ thinking and many other issues that are kind of surprising.
      I am not saying that water will cure any of these issues, but the LACK of water WILL antagonize the heck out of issues already in place.

      The formula I use is I take my body weight and divide by 2. That answer is the number of ounces of water I need per day. So if I weight 150 then I need 75 ounces of water a day. If you are no where near close, do not do the full amount on your first day. Work you way up over a period of a week or two.
      So I am busy/concerned/distracted/whatever and I forget my water. My solution became to take quart mason jars and measure out my water in the morning. I can see my progress as the day goes on. And they also double as travel waters, so if I go out I can grab one to take with me.

      Currently I trying to make more of an effort to get most of it finished before dinner, so I can sleep through the night with out a bathroom run.

      This does not replace real help but it is something you can work at on your own and might give you a sense of doing something for yourself to help you along. If you start feeling a tiny bit different, then bonus for you.

    13. Anon Here*

      You might just be exceptionally smart and gifted. That can also make it hard to connect because you think differently, and about different things, than most people.

      Don’t get disheartened about internet dating. It isn’t for everyone.

      What do you enjoy doing? What do you enjoy working on? Put your brilliance into projects of some sort. That will be a bridge to connect with people. When people get a glimpse of how your amazing mind works, doors will begin to open. There will be negative stuff too; talented people tend to get bullied by those who are jealous. So prepare for that. You just have to keep going and keep sharing your work. Believe in yourself. Believe in your projects. Good work can lead to employment, dating and friendship possibilities that you wouldn’t have imagined before. It’ll be ok. Things will turn around.

    14. Budgie Buddy*

      For improving diet, I have found the website All Recipes useful. It’s basically a giant database of home cooking recipes from ambitious to super simple. Sometimes I want to cook “real food” but have no clue how to start. They have all the steps and ingredients listed and I’ve gotten some of my favorite dishes from there.

    15. Zephy*

      Have you looked around your community, to see if there’s a group with a shared interest of yours that meets someplace? Check Meetup dot com or the local library/other community hub, see if there’s anything of interest. You might also look to see if there’s a subreddit for anything you’re interested in; there probably is! Reddit communities can be a little hit-or-miss, but the further from the main/default subs you are, the better people you find.

      If exercise is something that makes you feel better, do you have access to a pool this time of year? If there’s a YMCA or similar in your area with an indoor pool, swimming is great exercise that’s very low-impact on the knees.

    16. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Re food: look for the overlap between things you’ll actually eat–things you like that are readily available (so, things you can keep around, or easily get delivered, are good)–and that are good for you. Note that no food is healthy for everyone, and that people have different needs, and calories and hydration are needs: if the only thing you can bear to eat right now is steamed rice, or a particular brand of chocolate pudding, eat it. That’s not perfect nutrition, but it’s better than no food at all.

      So, if what you’re willing to eat includes plain apples, salami, and chocolate ice cream, make sure to have all three around. And if the apples sit a few days and you just eat salami and ice cream, that’s okay.

    17. Smol Book Wizard*

      Someone else lonely and a little socially anxious and waiting to hear about ASD diagnosis chiming in… feel free to disregard any of these if they seem unhelpful, but some stuff that may help?
      – For exercise, can swimming or water aerobics work for you? My mom has had knee and joint pain for a long time and so found these easier on the body than other exercise. Also – bonus – the water just feels really good, and you can take it at your own pace, no need to join a class or anything.
      – I am terrible at organizing a food supply. What helps me is being willing to buy semi pre-prepped from a cheap place like Aldi or Lidl – that way I can put some kale in a (nonstick, super easy to wash) frying pan for supper and put shredded cheese on it, or whatever, and be eating within 5 minutes of having the thought. Also, if there’s anything that you know you will always eat (peanut butter on bagels for me), make sure you have it around. And let yourself have some “rubbish” food now and again too – just try to keep easy stuff around that’s more filling and good for you.
      – I can thoroughly recommend volunteering with animals. Also, if you’re so inclined, see if your local groups need foster homes to take in older or baby or shy animals who need cuddles and quiet instead of the shelter environment? Bottle-feeding kittens is an option that is frequently helpful. Animals are sometimes lots easier than people – much less complicated and tricky to socialize with, and quicker to reach the point of wanting to be hugged at any given moment. :)
      Best wishes!

    18. Anono-me*

      First of all, sometimes making connections with a person who resonates with you is hard. For me while it is easy to have casual friends, it is very very difficult for me to have true blue got your back no matter what friends. You might just be that same type of person.
      As far as that goes tell me a lot of people have good advice on how to improve your overall diet. But I want to suggest vitamins. They’re not a cure-all or a substitute for eating properly, but they will help. Also, sometimes being low in certain vitamins can impact how you feel.

      If you Google online or check your public television schedule, you may be able to find a exercise program you can do at home that is designed for elderly people. I don’t know how old you are but usually the Elder exercise programs do have something to address people with knee issues.

    19. Gaia*

      Hi. I’m also struggling and a lot of what you wrote is what I’m experiencing.

      First things first, I’m glad you’re working on medication and therapy. It will help. You just need to find the right combination.

      Exercise and diet are helpful too, but I know it is not easy to focus on either of those when you’re deep in the struggle. I went from eating great and exercising regularly to eating utter crap and barely moving. And even though I knew I’d feel better if I changed those two things, I couldn’t. If you’re still struggling like this with being on medication, consider that this might not be the right medication or dosage for you. Please talk to your doctor about that.

      Once you get to a more settled place, there are some exercises you can do that are low impact. Consider sitting exercises. Even exercising your upper body while sitting will help you feel better. It is hard to believe, I know. And it won’t make it better on it’s own. But it helps. Then maybe start with one balanced meal a day. Just one. Maybe not even a meal. Just a snack.

      About your good friend: if she is really a good friend, she will want to know you’re struggling and help how she can. It isn’t her job to make you feel better but it isn’t your job to shelter her from the realities of your life.

      Keep coming back and letting us know how you’re doing.

    20. DrTheLiz*

      Have you considered swimming? If the knee is very bad, you can hold a floaty between your thighs (or put little kiddie water wings around your ankles or something) and just swim with your arms. It lets you exercise while tailoring the force through your knees, and is often recommended for people with joint problems.

      As a married person (in Germany) with a single friend (in Japan) without a lot of support network, do pester! I like talking with my friend and I get sad if I haven’t in a few days. I’ll often send just a cute animal picture timed so she’ll see it when she checks her phone in the morning as a low-response-pressure thing and I find it works well.

    21. Princess Deviant*

      Thank you so much to everyone, your responses are very kind and thoughtful. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to all of you, but I have taken all the comments on board.
      – I’m going to yoga this Thursday, and have scheduled in a couple of swimming sessions. Thanks to a comment further down by fposte, I think they have managed to inadvertently diagnose my knee problems!!! I have been looking at exercises for patellofemoral pain too.
      – I’m trying to eat a bit of veg or fruit with each meal, and be a bit more sensible about the amount I eat (1 donut instead of 2 etc).
      – I really liked singing when I was younger. I’m looking at joining a (free) choir. Thanks to Jemima Bond for the reminder!
      – There is an adult autistic group that meets near me once a month so I am going to that in December.
      – I am going to a social event for drinks on the 10th Dec but am not dating at the moment. I’m having a break from it for now.
      – I’m drinking more water!

      I think some other stuff that might help me is limiting my screen time, although I don’t want to eliminate it because I enjoy this forum for example, and am watching The Crown at the moment. But trying to be sensible about it, and not bingeing on it.

      And in general, I’ve been given a lot of food for thought from everyone, so I have bookmarked this thread and will come back to it.

      Thanks again!

    22. OyHiOh*

      How is your sleep? A surprising number of health issues can be exerbated by poor sleep. Your body gets energy from sleep and from food. If you’re not sleeping well, you rely on high carb, high sugar “rubbish” food to keep going. Poor sleep makes pain harder to tolerate (and pain makes it harder to sleep well to so that’s a really vicious cycle). Poor sleep makes mental health issues a lot more daunting too. So look for hobbies you used to enjoy, try out some new stuff, hydrate, move in ways that feel good, and also, dig into your sleep hygiene and see if there’s anything you need/want to change.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        My sleep is not great actually. I think the less screen time should help a bit; I’ve currently got a filter on it to block the blue light nearer bed time, but not using it at all in the bedroom might help. The pain does keep me awake, which is horrible, and there are only a couple of positions I can lie in, in bed. Thanks, this is something to look into too.

    23. Meepmeep*

      I was in the same boat a while ago (lonely, possibly autistic, depressed), and what helped me break out of that was to find a group of nerds. For me, it was music nerds geeking out on a particular very obscure musical genre. That group is how I met most of my current friends. So if there’s any sort of special interest you have or could envision yourself having, maybe find a nice group of nerds?

      Also, it’s helped my depression greatly to get outside and get at least some outdoor daylight exposure every day, and to do weight training every other day. If your knee hurts, just do arm exercises.

    24. CB*

      Something that has helped with my own mental health (that is of course not as great this time of year) is focusing on what I am able to exert my energy towards in a particular day. I try to do my best to reframe and focus on what I CAN accomplish on a particular day. For example, I might only have the energy to crawl into work a few minutes late, eat something, and get home and immediately lay on the couch. Rather than focus on the free event I had on my calendar and the workout I missed that morning, I try to reframe as “I did what I had the capacity to do today and that has to be good enough”.

  6. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I got some work done for a school assignment, so yay!

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve finally finished the first draft of a sequel to some fanfiction that I’m writing. It’s very rough and ready, but the first draft is done. I had a brief moment of relief before I started to wonder how I’m going to edit it and fill it out, but I’m like this every time.

    2. Wattpad?*

      Anyone here use Wattpad or similar service? Trying to get back into writing for fun (I was really into posting fanfiction on LJ like 15 years ago!) I have some non-fanfiction stories I’m looking to share with the world (or at least the internet). Any thoughts or recs greatly appreciated!

    3. Curly sue*

      I’m trying my hand at a rom-com novel for the first time. I’m about 26k words in, and I’m having a good time with it! I’ve written a few romances (traditionally published) before but those were on the high-heat side of things and this one is a lot more pining. It’s a fun challenge and a nice change of pace.

    4. Kalico*

      I wrote 4 out of 5 days, so I’m satisfied. Three days on novel, one on blog. Right now my focus is consistency as I work to develop a sustained writing habit. Consistency is very very challenging for me because I easily get discouraged but I’m doing better!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I bailed on doing NaNoWriMo to avoid the word count pressure thanks to dealing with two infections, though not on the book. But it’s been slow going. It’s my first book-length go at a fantasy setting without any real-world trappings, and I think I’m a little afraid of it. I’ve shied away from actual *magic.* No elves, either.

    6. Texan In Exile*

      I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I had ideas for new blog posts. Got up this morning and wrote two of them. So – happy about that. :)

      (I used to be Diary of a Golddigger. Now that the in-laws are dead and my husband isn’t running for office, I have a new blog where I can be a bit less secretive.)

    7. Banana Naan*

      I finally got into the groove of a story that has been ultra frustrating to write, but the past few days I have been flying!

      Question for anyone who is submitting to lit mags, for poetry, sci-fi/fantasy, or literary genres: how do you keep your spirits up while you’re being rejected? I’d like to think I have a thick skin, but sometimes those rejections are like getting sucker punched.

    8. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      This probably isn’t what you meant, but…

      I have friends who been published this year, in a variety of genres. Viewing their author experiences has recently taught me that I don’t actually want to published, still less under my own name because (1) the promotion game is awful and (2) they lost their work when it published, emotionally or practically or whatever. I don’t want that. That’s not why I write.

      So now I don’t worry about saleability or completeness or even reasonableness: I write what I want and need to write for my own needs that moment/day/week/month/year and that’s it and oh how freeing not to have to care about potential readers and how they might misread or dislike or disagree or OH OH WORST CALAMITY actually like it and try to pay compliments and

      no

      just no

      thank you.

    9. WoodswomanWrites*

      I was inactive on my blog for a year and have only posted once in the last few months. Lots of life stuff sucked the creativity right out of me, so I was WoodswomanUsedToWrite. I have continued my nature photography and there are a lot of photos to sort through. I finally have a blog post that’s been circling around my head, and hope to have it up by next weekend.

      There, I said it. That will make it real. Thanks for the prompt.

  7. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    Yet more Graveyard Keeper for me, making some slow but steady progress. Honestly from the stuff people have been saying online I thought the grind would be worse but it really isn’t any different from Stardew Valley in that regard, at least for me.

    1. Caterpie*

      I’ve been wanting to get into Dark Souls III again. I bought it for my old PC which ended up not being beefy enough to run it, then my fiancé bought it for me on Xbox and I got maybe 1/2 of the way through? I have a better PC now so I was thinking to start a new game this weekend. I had a blast as a mage on DS2 but read that it isn’t quite the same in 3, so I’ll have to think some more about what build I want to run.

      1. Deschain*

        DS3 is the best game ever! I love it with a passion (I’ve played the whole series). I prefer playing 3 as a sorcerer with enough strength and dex to use a broadsword and bow. I played 2 with a claymore and crossbow and 1 with a claymore and pyromancy. So I think if you like the sorcerer build in 2 you’ll easily adapt to 3. 3 has a separate “magic” bar in addition to the health and stamina bars.

    2. DarthVelma*

      Been taking a bit of a break from Fortnite the last couple of weeks and grinding Destiny 2 instead. But the Destiny servers were down last night, so the partner and I went tabletop and played the Mountains of Madness expansion for Eldritch Horror. We kicked elder thing butt! GO TEAM!

    3. puffle*

      About to get Dishonored 2 out again- it’s been sitting on the shelf since April, but life has been so hectic I didn’t have a chance to actually start playing until last week or so

    5. SandrineSmiles (France)*

      Pokemon Shield for me. I’m just… addicted. Plus having it on the TV was pretty fun though playing on the train again was quite nice.

      Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh the joys of being a kid again xD

      1. Platypus Enthusiast*

        Also playing pokemon shield! I haven’t played this last week but I’m excited to return to running away from random Pokemon who decide to chase me through the grass!

    6. TinyRaptor*

      I’ve been playing a lot of Two Point Hospital (the spiritual successor to Theme Hospital) and having recently found the setting that allows you to send patients for treatment at a lower diagnosis threshold (and also the setting that allows you to send patients to treatment directly from diagnosis rooms) I’m hoping I can get a handle on the super-long GP queue issues I’ve been having in my next few sessions. I also recently finished Superliminal, which I loved and then cooled on a bit and then loved again by the end. (Highly recommended for anyone who enjoys clever reality-bending 3d platformers like Portal or Antechamber.)

    7. corporate engineering layoff woo*

      Looking at the new Warframe update and continuing to put off Destiny 2 since the layoff really put a dent in my gaming stride. There’s some srs grind to round out this D2 season triumphs, if desired… Before they’re gone forever.

    8. Libretta*

      I’ve been playing Oxygen Not Included – I find I like the beginning of the game, digging things out and setting up basic life support, but once I get to the more complex systems I lose some interest. I had the same thing with don’t starve, the learning curve made it less fun, but once I pushed through it just became part of playing the game. I’m trying to push through in ONI and learn how to use all the stuff. Last run I finally set up some automated systems, now trying to learn how to wrangle critters.

    9. Gatomon*

      Still working on The Outer Worlds, but I actually stumbled through the mall today for unrelated reasons and discovered two exciting gaming-related things:

      – an actual arcade! It looked like it was geared towards young kids/birthday parties so I probably won’t go there, but I did have to do a doubletake. I can’t remember the last time I saw an arcade that wasn’t a massive chain like Dave & Busters, or just a few pinball machines in a drinking establishment. It brought back fond memories of my local arcade growing up.
      – an honest-to-goodness, legit local gaming shop with games, consoles and accessories for every console I can think of going back to the early 90s! And maybe earlier, honestly, I didn’t dig in too far. I will definitely be headed back here!

    10. DrTheLiz*

      I found a Gameboy emulator for my phone, so Mario Land 2/6 Golden Coins and Pokémon Crystal. It’s been great!

  8. Jemima Bond*

    Morning all and happy Saturday! I’m excited today as tonight I am singing in a concert – the Messiah, which I have really enjoyed rehearsing this autumn. And yesterday (in the nick of time!) I finished sewing my new choir dress and I’m really pleased with it; our dress code is black tie, must be full length with sleeves – for any sewists or general clothes fans out there, mine is in crepe, about A-line with a shorter asymmetric overdress and sleeves in devoré velvet, and a bateau neckline. The devoré was a bit of a pain to sew (had to do a hand rolled hem) but I think it looks lovely.
    Lunch out with OH and also parents who are visiting for the concert, then rehearsal in the afternoon, and the venue is a church in my town so can pop home to change/beautify and eat before the performance.
    What fun things do others have planned? Any other choral singers out there preparing for Xmas/end of year performances?

    1. BethDH*

      That sounds beautiful! I am a choral singer, but moved too late to join a group for this season of concerts and right now I’m really missing it. Hoping to at least find a singalong or something here!

    2. UbiCaritas*

      True story: I sang in choir when I was in college (many years ago). We actually had to sew our own choir skirts. I am, um, sewing impaired. I put it off until the very last moment. My sewing skills did not improve while I was putting it off. At the very last moment I stapled the skirt together and taped the hem up. And I managed to put a staple in one of my fingers, to make things even worse.
      But, Messiah! Wow!

    3. Llellayena*

      I just had my winter concert last night! Sunrise Mass by Ola Gjeilo. I haven’t been in anything but my church choir for years (time and distance) so I had given away my concert attire. I learned last night the the long sleeve black shirt I bought is way too hot, so I’m hunting again. Your dress sounds wonderful! I wouldn’t have time to sew one (too many quilts in the queue) but I’d buy one like that if I could find it. Good luck with the concert! Messiah is amazing!

    7. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Props on using the word “sewist” rather than “sewer!” I first heard that word used by Mary Fons and I love it!

    8. OtterB*

      Your dress sounds lovely.

      I’ve been singing with a women’s a cappella barbershop chorus for 7 or 8 years now (a Sweet Adelines chapter). We’re rehearsing holiday music since mid-October and have 5 performances scheduled in December. We have a Sing for the Holidays program where guests can rehearse with us in November and join us for some of the songs in the performances. We’ve got 6 or 8 guests this year, which is really nice.

      I’ll be going to hear my church choir do a benefit performance of Vivaldi’s Gloria and some other pieces in a couple of weeks. They alternate between this and selections from the Messiah from year to year. Some times they conflict with my own chorus’s performance and I can’t go, but this year I can.

    9. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Yep, had a practice this afternoon for the two big Christmas gigs. Nice mixture of folk/country or classic rock’n’roll before the interval and church carols afterwards. I’m leading so it’s my voice on a solo mic in two totally different styles. It’ll be the best kind of fun.

      Also midnight mass 11pm on 12/24. Those returning “home” for Christmas are always invited to swell the choir numbers. Much is familiar but there’s always a little light sightreading!

    10. NoLongerYoung*

      Your dress sounds lovely and I’m impressed with the hand rolled hem! Haven’t sung in choir since high school but I love listening to them (and the messiah in particular, a friend did it annually). Enjoy!

    12. Paquita*

      I’m a (fair to middling) pianist, don’t have a good voice. But hubby and I are going to a sing-along Messiah. We have been in the past and they usually have a real harpsichord. Such fun!•••••••••••••••••••••••••

    13. londonedit*

      Your dress sounds amazing! My work has a ‘bit of fun’ Christmas choir and I’ve joined that, we just had our first rehearsal. I love singing but only ever do it at Christmas, I do enjoy a good descant!

  9. Anon for this*

    I don’t go to the doctor very often, so I’m trying to find out if this is normal. I went to the doctor for a checkup, which is covered 100% by my insurance once per year. My blood pressure was a little high, but not high enough to warrant medication. They asked if I had a history of high blood pressure and I told them that it was about that high at my work physical last year, and that was why I decided to get a checkup this year (I hadn’t had one in about 10 years). They told me to drink more water, watch my sodium intake, and monitor my blood pressure with a home BP monitor.

    When I made the appointment, I said I wanted a checkup. I also wrote “checkup” on the intake form as the reason for the visit. At the end of the appointment, they asked for payment. I told them a checkup is supposed to be covered by my insurance 100%. They said it was not a “checkup,” it was an “office visit,” because they discussed my hypertension. It was not a “checkup” because I came in for treatment for hypertension based on my work physical. So instead of getting a checkup at no cost to me, I have to pay for a $250 office visit out of pocket because the nurse told me to drink more water and watch my sodium intake.

    I feel betrayed because I was honest about my blood pressure history and they used it against me to charge me more. It sounds like they’re saying that if I hadn’t told them that — if I had lied and said my blood pressure has always been normal — I would have gotten the checkup at no cost. It also sounds like they changed the type of visit based on my results, not on the care I received. All they did was check my height, weight, blood pressure, pulse ox, listen to my heart/lungs with a stethoscope, and draw blood for routine bloodwork. If my blood pressure was normal, all of that would have been covered by insurance, but since my blood pressure was high, none of it was covered by insurance? The insurance only covers a checkup if everything’s good? That doesn’t seem right, but before I argue with their billing department, I want to make sure I’m not the crazy one. Is this a normal practice for doctors? Should I have lied about my blood pressure history to avoid getting charged for an office visit?

    1. Fikly*

      Ah, yes, this is a thing that is happening. Basically, in the US, you get the free physical. BUT, here’s the catch, if you get diagnosed with something (I’m guessing they gave you a diagnosis of hypertension) and then they in any way discuss treatment, they can bill the visit as a treatment visit, and that does not fall under physical, because it’s treatment for a health condition. It’s super obnoxious, because what is the point of a physical if not to detect health conditions, and then discuss treatments for them?

      Decent doctors offices will not bill this way. Rude ones will take advantage of the law to bill this way, and not warn you, and then yes, you get stuck with unexpected high bill. It sucks, and I’m sorry.

      I would also check if they billed the physical as well, because they very well may have, which would mean you cannot get another one covered until a year has gone by (I forget if it’s 12 months or until 2020 off hand, sorry). In future, ask about their billing practices ahead of time. It’s not right at all, and yes, the law sucks and shady offices are taking advantage of it.

      1. The Grammarian*

        Yes, this is something that’s been happening lately. You could schedule your “annual preventive visit” and just do that. If your BP is high there, you can schedule a follow-up visit (at cost) about it. If you mention it is a pattern during the visit, they can and will do more items that are outside of the bounds of an “annual preventive visit” and bill for those things. I personally do the preventive visit (100% covered) and then schedule other visits (at cost) if I have particular concerns or something specific bothering me.

      2. Loopy*

        THIS! This same type of scenario happened to me. I brought up something I considered minor during my annual visit and it got the billing changed. I felt so paranoid about bringing up anything after that and I was honest with my doctor that I didn’t feel I could raise *anything* at an annual visit because I wasn’t planning on paying some unknown office visit fee at that time.

        I wish I had better advice, but I wanted to say I also related to this sentiment from the commenter above: It’s super obnoxious, because what is the point of a physical if not to detect health conditions, and then discuss treatments for them?

        Doctor asks a question and my immediate thought is: if I answer this the wrong way and we get too in depth on something else- this will be billed differently! How do I avoid that?

        I am sorry to hear others are experiencing this, its really frustrating!

        1. Anon for this*

          That is messed up! You know, on medical TV shows, the doctors always complain about patients lying. I guess this is why patients have to lie.

          1. Dan*

            I used this line with a nurse over something pretty serious, and she was not amused. My words were something like, “Have you ever seen the TV show house? Do you remember the line where he says “everybody lies”? Well, maybe he was right.”

            The hospital was going to deny me a necessary medical procedure that the doctor ordered because they didn’t want me taking an Uber home. The issue at hand had nothing to do with whether the doctor’s ordered procedure was medically appropriate (it 100% was without question) and everything to do with my ride home afterward.

            Yes I lied, and I’m not sorry.

            1. only acting normal*

              How did they want you to get home? Bus? Walk? Bike? ;)
              I’m assuming the real issue was they wanted you to be accompanied by a friend/family for safeguarding reasons, in which case are truly lone people just supposed to forego medical treatment?

              1. Desperately seeking cute kitty*

                This is something I’ve wondered too. I had that requirement after minor surgery under general anaesthetic and always wondered what people who don’t have a support network are supposed to do.

              2. Arjay*

                Not justifying this, but they want you to use a medical transportation company. It’s not horrifically expensive, but it’s more than an Uber. They try to protect themselves from liability if you have a medical problem on the way home related to your procedure.

      3. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        Yes, my doctor was very clear about this at my last physical. During a physical, you may answer any of the doctor’s questions with symptoms. But you may not bring up complaints of your own, or the appointment will be considered an office visit and billed as such. (My doctor allowed referrals and refills off the checklist, but that may have been on the checklist.)

        So if you want a physical, you will have to get the physical, answer all of the doctor’s questions, and then make a second office visit for any issues you’d like to address specifically.

      4. Earthwalker*

        In Medicare parlance, it’s a “wellness visit.” You get one free wellness visit a year, but if you say “checkup” it’s charged.

      5. Liz*

        Sadly, this isn’t unusual. I’m in the same boat; went for my physical in June, BP was slightly high. Going back in December, but my ins. is pretty decent, so while I will have to pay for an office visit, i only have a $20 co-pay.

        each insurance co. is different. i know mine, if i go for PT at my dr.’s office, bills it as an office visit, so again, a $20 copay, whcih if you go 3x a week, gets pricy. Anotehr facility, just as good, not with my dr. office, bills it differently so its covered 100%. guess which one i go to?

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      So, a couple things. First, “checkup” isn’t actually a billing term. What you’re looking for is “annual” or “preventive care” visit. (I know, this seems minor, but if they are either dumb or shady, using the wrong terminology will only help them.)

      Second, your doctor is almost certainly not involved in the actual billing, which has both good and bad parts. (It does mean that if your doc or any medical provider anywhere says “oh you won’t have to pay for this out of pocket” you should not trust them because unless they own their own practice they don’t get to decide anything about the billing and probably don’t know what they’re talking about because that part isn’t their job.) So no, it’s not normal for *doctors*, but it can be normal for bad billers. You should never lie to your doctor; frankly that would be dumb and self defeating. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your doctor the truth, find a different doctor.

      /medical coder for fifteen years

      1. Anon for this*

        The reason I specifically used the term “checkup” is that I went on my insurance company’s web site and used the cost estimator tool, and that is the term they use for the annual preventive visit. On my list of benefits, it does say an annual preventive exam is covered 100%, but on the list of procedures/visits on the cost estimator tool, there is no such term listed. It is listed there as “adult checkup” and the cost estimator tool says the insurance pays 100% and my cost is $0. I guess maybe the insurance company is trying to dumb it down for the customers, but the terminology their cost estimator tool uses to differentiate between a covered visit and an expensive one is “checkup” vs. “office visit,” so I went with that.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Gotcha – sorry, I didn’t mean that in the sense of “you should know better” or anything like that, because “checkup” is totally layman’s terms and insurance companies use layman’s terms all the time.

          However, from the provider’s office’s end — I saw yesterday alone the word “checkup” used in documentation to describe visits for (pre-existing chronic) hypertension, an annual gyn exam, cancer treatment, fracture follow-up, vaccinations, labs and pregnancy – only one of which was actually preventive care vs an office visit. Basically, to the doctor’s office, “checkup” is like saying “stringed instrument” – when the problem is that they billed you for a cello instead of a violin, talking about a stringed instrument won’t help clear it up any. That’s more what I was getting at.

          1. Dan*

            I work in a field that uses very specific terminology that has clear and unambiguous meanings to those who are experienced practitioners. When we have to discuss the subject matter with less experienced people (including those we hire for full time employment), it gets… complicated. You dumb it down to not confuse people, but then later, the dumbed down language gets repeated back, and it just causes a lot of confusion.

            Back on topic… I’ve got “things” going on that require specialist visits. I had to go see one for reasons related (to me anyway) to something I had seen him for like a month ago, at the direction of the hospital I had recently visited. I call his office up, and they ask if it’s related to X. In my lay understanding? Sure as hell was. I showed up, explained what I needed, and he got visibly upset over how the visit was scheduled. Apparently, all I needed was “swabs” and the visit was scheduled as an “office visit”. And that was enough to set him off.

            Never mind that the thing that I needed “swabs” for sets off an irregular heart rate that requires a hospital visit (see previous note about lying to the nurses) and I have to be on expensive meds for a month before the procedure can be done, and in the mean time feel like crap. IOW, best avoided if possible.

            So I told swabs doc that while my thing is nothing more than a minor annoyance to him and his specialty, it’s a far bigger deal to me and my cardiologist, and he’s going to have to suck it up whether he likes it or not. (I might have left the last part out, but I think he understood.)

    3. ..Kat..*

      To me, a nurse, this was an annual physical. I hope you are able to push back.

      Have you gone to this doctor before? Have you had an annual checkup in the last twelve months? Usually, in the USA, you get your annual checkup (for free with insurance), then you book a separate checkup for follow-up for specific issues that need more diagnostics. A nurse telling you to drink more water and watch your sodium intake should not make this an “office visit “ that requires a higher payment. (That advice sounds really vague, and not like a treatment visit.)

      2. MatKnifeNinja*

        My sister got burned on this.

        Annual check up means the doctor just does a history/physical and testing. Her previous crap doctor would bill “office visit” because he could talk about “weight loss”, and that is considered “counseling” ie office visit.

        Since many people hit the overweigh range of the BMI, this guy could flip all those physicals to office visits and charge.

        My sister refuses to get on the scale for a physical. She’s about 10 lbs into the overweight BMI category. No weight documented, means no data. No data means the doctor can’t pull that legal scam.

        She has no blood pressure/diabetes issue, and paying $300 to get told you are 10 lbs over weight is obscene.

        The physical to office visit scams are high blood pressure readings. Random glucose stick, where 140 reading (US measurement) is enough to trigger it to flip or the BMI < overweight.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I read stuff like these posts here and I wonder if our system is broken beyond repair.
          People spend more time worrying about how to pay for health care that one has to wonder if they have any brain space/energy/resources left to, you know, actually take care of themselves.

          1. Dan*

            Or avoiding it because whats the point of wasting the doc’s time, mine, and $25 to just be told to lose weight? I’ve been hearing that for 20 years and am not stupid, so tell me something I don’t know.

            The reality is, there are other things that can go wrong, and if focusing too much on weight (or rebilling a physical as “adult obesity” which for whatever reason there is an ICD9 code for) means people *aren’t* getting diagnosed for other things that can be wrong, that’s a problem.

            1. Gaia*

              Maybe if doctors hadn’t spent years telling me my breathing issues were related to my weight instead of being quite likely the earliest signs that my anxiety was out of control, I could have been treated before it got so bad. But nope, it had to be weight, right?

              1. Dan*

                As an obviously overweight person, I go back and forth with this. I have health issues that are their own distinct diagnosis, but are aggravated by being overweight. (Hello sleep apnea.) But I can BS my through a physical (I feel fine even when I’m not!) and I don’t know if they ever would have caught the sleep apnea if I didn’t develop mostly unrelated cardiological problems. My doc basically said, while we will medically treat these things, it will help you to lose weight, your choice. And because I was doing *nothing* in the weight management department, I decided to do *something* and let the cards fall where they may. (I’m not a health/fitness freak, but did decide to get off my ass.) I’m still overweight (a lot) but many things are better.

                The math guy in me knows how to build these types of diagnostic/predictive models, and I’m also a subject matter expert in my field. The models are usually right, but they’re not infallible. If the model says “weight is most likely the biggest problem” I just don’t know how hard one should poke and prod in the other areas. In my case, a doc would rightfully tell me that if I lost weight I’d feel better. What I don’t know is how long it would take them to get to sleep apnea if they didn’t ask the right questions.

                1. Gaia*

                  I’m not going to pretend my weight isn’t a problem that deserves attention by my doctor – it does! And my doc knows I’ve been making progress. But my weight does not suddenly cause breathing issues several times a year. I’m obese every day, not 8-10 times a year for several days at a time. That is why I hate that every time I explained my symptoms I was told it was weight related.

                  Could it have been? Maybe, but also it was my anxiety and I didn’t fully understand that but maybe I would have if anyone would have mentioned it as a possibility.

              2. Anon for this*

                Don’t even get me started on how badly doctors treat overweight patients… I have a family member who had been feeling unwell for a while and went to her doctor, and the doctor told her she would feel better if she lost some weight. This family member couldn’t have been more than barely overweight (I’m shocked she was overweight at all because she’s always been in great shape, but the BMI criteria can be deceptive), but that was the only diagnosis she got from her doctor. Turns out, she had ovarian cancer, stage 3 by the time they found it months later.

                1. Gaia*

                  It is so much worse with us women. We’re already not taken seriously by doctors, when you add in being overweight we might as well be talking to a brick wall. Ugh.

                2. Dan*

                  About the BMI thing. “Can be deceptive” is a bit of an understatement. BMI was designed to compare groups of people based on data available a long time ago. It was never meant to be applied to an individual and assess health risks/outcomes. It’s not denial to insist that assessing individual health risk as a function of BMI is flawed. Why? Fallacy of averages. It’s like me asking what the average value of the house in your state/county/town/neighborhood is and then making specific statements about your house value based on that data.

                  That aside… I will never in my life be at a BMI that is considered not overweight. I’d have to drop 80 lbs for that to happen, and it just ain’t. Drop 30 lbs? Sure, reasonable goal. TBH, if I dropped 50 lbs, I’d be overweight but I’d be so ecstatic that I’d throw myself a ticker tape parade and declare victory.

                  Why am I so insistent? Because at one point in my adult life, I did weigh 50 lbs less. How did that happen? I had a job as an airline baggage handler. I spent four hours per day (we had a lot of down time) lifting 50 lb bags from my feet to my shoulders. That’s had to be a few hundred bags each day. These days, I have a desk job and get nowhere that kind of exercise. I was still considered overweight at that weight, and that was with that kind of exercise.

                  BMI can stuff it. And doctors need to stop practicing bad medicine by using that in ways it wasn’t intended. It’s bad medicine *and* bad math.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Dan, I gotta say, I hear these stories of the doc saying “lose weight” and my heart breaks for people. That’s not a magic wand. You can’t wave some words over people and move on to the next patient.

              Having climbed my own Mt. Everest on this problem, I know what it took me to lose the weight. I ended up redoing my whole life. Docs have NO clue just how big a deal this is if a person actually tries to do it. For many people it involves life style stuff and it can also involve a lot of emotional baggage. (I mean people in general, I hope that is clear here.)

              So eventually I dropped 8 sizes. Keeping the weight off is another set of challenges. I am still that person who knows how to eat a whole box of cookies in one sitting. This is not something I will “UNlearn”. I don’t think our medical system is prepared to help people stay on track, once people reach their goal.

              Additionally and more to your setting, Dan, I learned that if we don’t sleep well then we are more prone to piling on food. Energy has to come from some place, our choices are pretty much sleep and food. Once I started sleeping more than oh- an hour or two each night- it became easier to graze less and less. I don’t understand why docs aren’t helping people get better rest if the doc is so concerned about obesity. It seems so basic to me to start checking for known contributing factors to weight gain. From my own experience, I was floored to find out how much contributes to weight gain that has NOTHING to do with food.

              To me, it can seem like people are not being informed of things that could be helpful just because the doc does not like people who have “habits” x or y or z. (Not all docs, not all patients, but it comes up often enough.)

              1. Gaia*

                It is bad. It is so bad that I avoided seeing a doctor to deal with my anxiety in part because I didn’t want to hear about how I’d gained a few pounds back (because I was eating like crap because of my anxiety).

                I know I’m obese. I’m working on it. I don’t need to hear about it every time I see a damn doctor. All that does is make me feel bad about myself and like all my work isn’t enough. And you know what that leads to? Shame eating of sugary things.

                Not. Helpful. At. All.

                1. Liz*

                  yes! A few years back, i changed lady doctors. The guy was such an ass; he looks at my weight, BMI and immediately tells me i’m obese. NO SH*T SHERLOCK. i’m forty something years old, you don’t think i don’t KNOW that. So he then puts OBESE in my chart. thanks a bunch.

                  But the kicker was had he looked a bit closer, he would have seen that oh, a year or so prior to that, i was THIRTY or so pounds heavier!!!!

                  needless to say i never went back and found a new doctor.

              2. Arts Akimbo*

                OMG, you are not kidding. I know I have sleep apnea. But it will cost me over $700 to get a sleep study, plus, oops, they will need to do two in order to calibrate the CPAP or whatever they decide to use, and then you get the special bonus mystery round called How Much Do I Pay Out Of Pocket for the machine and all the associated supplies. I have excellent health insurance, and that’s $1500+ out of pocket!

                The system is setting people up for failure.

                1. Dan*

                  I realize we all have different experiences, but on top of my sleep apnea, I also have “delayed phase sleep disorder.” That entitled me to skip the the calibration study. (I have a “normal” job, but I got bed between 3am and 4am. They kick you out of the sleep center at 6am. I got a pass on the second test.)

                  My studies and CPAP cost me nothing. Insurance paid every dime, and covers every cent of my supplies.

                  I have to ask you this: Do you know how bad your sleep apnea is? (They give you a score.) If it’s mild, the CPAP won’t do much overall. For that matter, how well rested do you feel? If your apnea is moderate or severe and you’re not feeling well rested, the CPAP is life changing, and that’s not even a mild exaggeration.

                  You might be able to get your apnea score with a home test of some sort (my dad did his that way. I went into the lab for mine.)

                  Of all of the things I’ve had to deal with healthwise in the last few years, getting proper treatment for sleep apnea is the thing I’m most thankful for… by far.

                2. Fikly*

                  I have severe sleep apnea and I didn’t need a second sleep study to calibrate my CPAP. My doctor just looked at the readings from my CPAP and made adjustments. It was a couple of office visits, regular specialist copay.

                  And it has changed my life to be getting adequate oxygen and to no longer be waking up over 150 times every night.

              3. Dan*

                Heh. When I hit up the junk food section at the store, I just calculate the calories in the whole damn bag and buy the bag that I feel least guilty about. I mean, I’m going to eat the whole damn bag so I may as well do something semi responsible about it. (No more “family size” bag of lays potato chips, unfortunately).

                The other thing with sleep and exercise and calorie burn is that you actually have to have enough energy to exercise and burn calories. In that regard, once you get into the “no energy to exercise” trap, you’re screwed.

                What fascinates me the most about the sleep and weight loss thing is that my cardiologist runs his own sleep center and weight loss clinic. That at least tells me they’re somewhat serious about dealing with some of the underlying aggravating factors, instead of just saying “we’ll do our thing, but you’re on your own for the rest of it.”

                The weird thing with the cardiology problem is that when I first got diagnosed with it, I couldn’t tell anything was up. (It’s not hard to diagnose, but I just couldn’t feel it.) The sleep apnea? I had no idea how much that was messing with me (or even that it did). *That* I am happy to have treated.

                To the larger conversation about weight and health, of all of the stuff I’ve got going on, being overweight (if not “obese”) is the least of my problems. Yes, it can aggravate a few things, but it isn’t the underlying problem.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  You nailed the problem I am seeing with your summary in your last paragraph. Telling a person to lose weight is such an over simplification of what is going on with a person that it can be called a disconnect. The doc is disconnected from their patient.

                  We aren’t items on an assembly line. We are individuals with a whole set of unique circumstances.

                  I got into alternative stuff and that doc never once mentioned I needed to lose weight. Instead he chose to talk to me about what was actually bothering me. This wise person knew that if I learned what foods antagonize which problem, then I would gradually modify my diet. The more modifications I made the more weight I loss. And for the first time in my life I was losing weight for ME and my own quality of life. I stopped losing weight for someone else, i.e., just because society deemed me to be “ugly” or whatever.

                  Ya know, when people get help with their actual concerns, other stuff just falls into place behind it. This is the doc who told me that he views obesity as a form of starvation. He explained that it was starvation in the sense that the person lacked nutrition in their food. Even though they had plenty of food to eat, it was not meeting their nutritional needs, hence they were starving for actual vitamins and minerals. I said, “keep talking to me.”
                  He’d also talk about life and life issues with me. Wise doc. People who are dealing with some major hurdles in life are more apt to have health issues. He usually had something to say that was worth listening to.

                  And in my opinion, this is what we need more of. But you can’t have this in a ten minute appointment.

        2. Perpal*

          Not sure if the docs actually know this is happening with the billing; I’m a doc and I did not know one category of checkup was covered but any specific problem is not (madness!). Then again, I’ve not been a PCP in 6 years, so maybe this is a relatively recent development? All I do is click off buttons to say what level of care for the visit was, and what problems were involved; but not the visit type.
          That doc may just be looking for something to talk about; obesity is a common problem and while I don’t want to harass people, some folks claim no one’s ever talked to them about it, why don’t doctors talk about lifestyle changes instead of meds, etc etc. When I have nothing else going on I sometimes talk about diet, exercise, substance use…

        3. Upstater-ish*

          My jobs insurance rep gave us some good advice. I have a high deductible plan and was told to have the fee billed to you even if there is a sign that says payment is due at the time of the visit. And if they accept your insurance they charge you the contract fee (the amount they would bill the insurance company if you did not have the deductible) Some office will try to charge you the non insured rate.

      3. Anon for this*

        This was my first visit to this doctor or any doctor in almost 10 years. When I told the receptionist that it was supposed to be a checkup covered by my insurance and she said it was an office visit because they discussed my hypertension, she asked, “Did they write you a prescription?” I think she was going to use that as an argument that it was a treatment visit, not a checkup, but no, they didn’t write a prescription. They gave very generic advice that I already knew and I could find on the Internet without setting foot in a doctor’s office.

    4. Reba*

      Could try complaining to your insurer and to the billing department too. If you thought the actual healthcare professional you interacted with was alright, I’d tell them too that the billing department did this and as a result you won’t be coming back. (If that last part is feasible or true)

    5. Rebecca*

      I just had a routine mammogram, that’s supposed to be covered by my insurance, except, it wasn’t. I had to pay a $50 specialist copay. Fin, OK, I need the screening. But then I got a bill in the mail for the entire amount. Why, you ask? Major Hospital Nameplate failed to (1) update my name in their system after my legal name change in January and (2) did not submit this to my insurance. Name change fail even after I called, did it in person, provided my new driver’s license, and my insurance cards (which they scanned and painstakingly typed into their system, aside, I have no idea how these people work so slowly, I’d never get anything done), AND I followed up at checkout to make sure my insurance and name was correct in the system. You would think they would have gotten at least part of it right. Nope.

      So I called the billing office. My name still isn’t right, and it was not submitted to my insurance, so for the FOURTH time, I went over everything again. I am really questioning whether the actual medical part of this whole thing is being done right when they can’t even get the basics right. And this is a major hospital group that if I named them, people here in PA/Ohio/West Virginia would recognize.

      Honestly as a patient it’s frustrating and I do think the system is broken.

      1. Mimmy*

        At this point, you may want to escalate the issue. Having to repeat your name change FOUR TIMES is unacceptable.

        Agreed about the healthcare system being broken.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        You have my sympathies. It took me eight months to get an overcharge that was the fault Blue Cross of Michigan, possibly the worst insurance company in the US, cleared up. I had to involve the VP of my company’s benefits dept and I know I wasted way more employee time than the overcharge, but I was at salting the earth by the time I was done, I was so pissed.

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          BC/BS Michigan is the Comcast of the insurance world. If that place burned down to the ground, people would ring the flaming building rejoicing.

          Incompetent and nasty doesn’t even begin to describe it.

          1. Gaia*

            I love that Comcast is used as the metric of shitty customer service and terrible policies. I often say Company X is the Comcast of the Y industry. People just get it, even if they don’t have Comcast.

            1. Rebecca*

              Yes, this! Like, if you want to stop illegal drug use, legalize it, then let Comcast customer service sell it! In my case, Empire BC/BS was the worst, so glad I don’t have to deal with that dumpster fire any longer.

      3. Gaia*

        My pharmacy keeps getting told I have no insurance because for some god-foresaken reason the prescription side of my insurance has my name spelled Gaai instead of Gaia. Medical and dental side are just fine, prescription is wrong. All the same company, all through my same employer, all signed up on the same form. I’ve called and asked them to correct this at least half a dozen times. Every time they confirm it was done “this time.”

    6. fposte*

      Yes, unfortunately this is standard, if not universal. The old version of a physical, where it was a chance to talk to the doctor about what’s going on with your body, is pretty much gone. Doctors are under tremendous pressure for time these days and often have no choice about how to code such visits, so if notes indicate anything else got discussed, it gets coded as an office visit.

      1. Mimmy*

        I’ve wondered why my physicals have gotten so much less comprehensive over the years. Lately, it’s been going over any preventive tests needed for which scripts are written plus a cursory check of my abdomen, heart and lungs – all with clothes on!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ugh. Forty plus years ago, I went to the doc for a physical. I needed it for an activity I wanted to do. I did not even put a gown on. He asked me a couple questions, then informed me that I needed to go to my family doc for these things. And he signed the paperwork.

          But he WAS my family doc. I went there for everything I needed, my mother and grandmother also saw him. They went to him for decades.

    7. Enough*

      I, my husband, and my daughter have never managed to have a fully paid for preventive care visit. Fortunately for us it just means we pay a $20 copay. And once you have an ongoing issue I doubt you ever will.

      1. Anon for this*

        That’s exactly what I was thinking — does this mean that anyone with high blood pressure will never be eligible for a “free” checkup, because they always take your blood pressure and if it’s high (or if you’re on medication to lower it), they charge for an office visit imply because they discussed it?

        My workplace has a program where you can earn points to get a credit to your premium, up to $600/year, and the most points you can get is for getting a checkup and bloodwork. They encourage people to do this by saying it will cost you nothing and save you money on next year’s insurance. They leave out the part where they charge you for an office visit if there’s even a minor issue during the checkup, which negates all of the points you earn from getting your “free” checkup.

    8. MRK*

      My doctor’s office had notices up at my most recent yearly physical/preventative that basically said if you bring up other stuff than what the intention of the visit was, they may bill you separately.
      Which I can understand if you say, come in for a cold and decide to ask about your sprained ankle. But I agree with others here that it made me feel uncomfortable to mention anything because what if they consider that extra? Especially since the wording was pretty vague and at least for me yearly physicals always include asking about changes, anything odd I’ve noticed, status of existing conditions

      1. Anon for this*

        This doctor had similar notices posted, saying that a physical is when you come in with no symptoms or injuries, to get your health checked, not for treatment; an office visit is when you come in for treatment for an illness, injury, or chronic condition. I figured it was to stop people from saying they were there for a checkup when they really came in because they had the flu and wanted a prescription, or wanted the doctor to look at their sprained ankle, etc. I never imagined that meant having the nurse tell you to drink more water and watch your sodium intake in response to the results of the physical.

      2. CB*

        +1. At my last two annual physicals, the medical assistant began by asking me if I had felt depressed or had suicidal thoughts in the last month (which at that time, my depression was in check and I said “no”). A month later, I get a $5.88 bill from the practice for a “mental health assessment”. I just pay it every year because it’s not a ton of money, but what am I supposed to do – get combative? Refuse to answer questions? Wouldn’t that just make things worse for their “mental health assessment”?

    9. Elizabeth West*

      It may be worth complaining about it. I was on the low-income program ($10 for any office or lab visit) at my doc’s office but accidentally missed a copay when I went in for a lab. Later that same month, I had a well-woman checkup and paid the copay for that. No one mentioned the missing copay or sent a bill. If they had, I would have paid it immediately. Instead, the program director waited until after the checkup to send a letter kicking me off the program, and then the system charged me for BOTH the lab ($136) and the checkup visit ($178).

      I called the billing department and disputed the second charge since it didn’t seem right to charge me for the checkup visit when I DID pay the copay, and they didn’t notify me until afterward or even bother to say anything when I was actually in the clinic.

      They finally just applied the financial assistance I had for hospitalization, and the final amount was around $100 for both. I paid that and now we’re clear. But they would NOT have done it if I hadn’t disputed it. Make sure you’ve got your paperwork in front of you and call them. They may not do anything, but it’s worth a shot.

    10. Jackalope*

      I’ve had a similar experience to this and my recommendation would be to appeal the decision. It may or may not work depending on your billing but if you push back then you have a better chance of it. And honestly, I don’t know how your insurance works, but even if you had an “office visit” instead of a physical, it shouldn’t be a full $250 out of your pocket. Most insurances will cover part or most of an office visit and you have just a co-pay. So that is my recommendation. I don’t work in medical billing but I have a job that is sometimes adjacent and appeals can work.

    11. RMNPgirl*

      I just went to my doctor, whom I love, and she explained this is because of insurance companies. Basically you can have everything checked out but not discuss any concerns for free, but then have to do a separate visit for any discussion. From what I understand, this is not the doctor’s offices doing this but the insurance companies. It’s their way of trying to get around the Affordable Care Act’s (Obamacare) rule of providing free preventive care.
      What I’m wondering is why it was $250 for you. Do you have a high deductible plan or are you supposed to have copays? My visit was only the $10.00 copay for a doctor’s office visit.

      1. Anon for this*

        I have a high deductible plan and I have not met my deductible. This is the first medical expense I’ve had this year. The weird thing is that they initially just charged the deductible at the doctor’s office, and it was only 20% so I didn’t argue that much, but then I got a bill for 5x what I had already paid because I hadn’t met my deductible. If I had known I was going to have to pay out of pocket, I would have waited until January to have a checkup so it would at least count toward my 2020 deductible, but now I’m going to have to pay for this out of pocket and my deductible will be reset in 2020. I actually specifically scheduled it now because I figured I should get my free checkup for 2019 so I’d be eligible for another one in 2020. That sure backfired. Honestly, this whole ordeal makes me want to give up on doctors altogether. They haven’t done anything that I couldn’t have done by using a $35 home blood pressure monitor and googling how to lower blood pressure (not that I need to google it to know that sodium increases blood pressure and drinking water is good for you).

          1. Upstater-ish*

            With my high deductible plan I would pay the deductible and then be billed for the difference. Also you only pay the negotiated amount. That is the amount the insurance company would pay not the of the street amount.

      2. Fikly*

        Well, the law, and thus the insurance companies, allow these charges. But the doctors/practices who are not thoroughly warning their patients about potential charges, and even worse, the ones who are deliberately setting things up so that they can bill for the highest reimbursement, are 100% part of the problem.

      3. Gaia*

        Not quite. You can discuss concerns raised from a physical and they can opt not to bill separately. If they choose to bill for discussing those concerns, the insurance company will treat it like an office visit. So yes, the insurance company sucks but so does the provider’s office for billing for telling someone to drink more water and watch sodium intake.

      4. Hound Mom*

        I have to disagree with this. Insurance companies pay based on the coding on the bill. It is 100% on the doctor to submit the preventive code. The reality is that doctors get paid more for sick visits than annual check-ups. It is a money grab by the doctors.

        I have taught my family to say that nothing hurts and to say no to any question the doctor asks.

        Dispute this. If the provider is a network provider, file a complaint with the carrier.

        1. Perpal*

          It’s not “on the doc” in that medical billing is a byzantine system we barely get briefed on (except how many ROS and physical items we need to hit, and which level of care button to hit – but not the billing type that’s selected automatically based on stuff in EMR already) and is handled by a crew of different people we’ve barely met. Unless this is a solo practice, which is rare.

          1. Fikly*

            The doctors have an obligation to educate themselves, if they choose to take insurance. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse.

    12. Sunflower Sea Star*

      This happened to a family member with a colonoscopy to the tune of thousands. On their plan, a screening colonoscopy = 100% covered. But they found a polyp which they removed and was benign. They changed it to a “diagnostic” colonoscopy and billed just over $2K. Since they hadn’t yet reached the deductible, they were on the hook for all of it.
      Appeals were all denied.
      And the doctor cannot understand why his wife is resisting getting her screening colonoscopy since she just turned 50.
      Insurance companies and doctors are penny wise and pound foolish when it comes to health care. Guess that’s what happens when profit is king.

      1. Is It Performance Art*

        This also happens with Medicare, which is mind-boggling since they have an interest in thinking long-term. It is so counterproductive. If you’re low-risk for colon polyps, they’re probably not going to find any to remove before they become cancer and you’re probably not going to have a copay and you don’t have a financial incentive to avoid a colonoscopy. On the other hand, if you have a high chance of having colon polyps, a colonoscopy is much more important because they really want to remove them before they become cancerous, but you’ll probably have a copay so you have a financial reason to not get the procedure that could prevent colon cancer.

      2. Liz*

        Oh wow. that’s crazy. I recently had my fourth (but every 5 years routine colonoscopy) During which they found my first polyp. I seem to recall something with the billing re: diagnostic vs. routine screening, but again, as my ins. is really good, I paid nothing since diagnostic “surgical’ which i think they classify it as and routine screening are all covered at 100%

    13. Nacho*

      Happened to me too. $75 to touch my hand for 3 minutes and tell me I don’t have carpal tunnel, and another $200 to give me a splint I could have bought at Walmart for $30. I managed to get the bill cut in half by calling the billing department after I got the invoice, so apparently they work just like Comcast’s customer service: If you complain enough, they will lower the bill.

    14. Book Lover*

      I bill for a pure preventive visit about 1% of the time I would guess.
      That’s checking blood pressure, physical exam, pap, rectal, basic labs, mammogram, colonoscopy, vaccines.

      Almost always people ask about joint pain, back pain, supplement review, other health issues (diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol), headaches etc etc etc. I often have a list of ten or more issues on my note.
      If there is one thing on my note – preventive care – then I bill it as a pure physical. If I have documented that we discussed a-z other issues then there is an associated office visit charge.
      Personally – I went to see someone for a physical and was advised that it was preventive only and I would have to set up a separate appointment to discuss other things. I don’t have time for that. I would rather have a single visit.
      But I think you can definitely set out expectations in advance – you are there for a physical and no any active issues and expect to be billed for a physical only. I have had patients do that and I do what they want – though it is pretty awkward to see them and not discuss their skin cancer, high blood pressure, heart murmur, etc.
      Essentially it is just weird – how many people need only preventive care when they see a doctor? Even my kids usually have something or another extra. And when you do the work you bill for it.

      1. Fikly*

        I have no objection to providers billing for the work they did. I have objections to patients not being warned by the provider or practice that they will, in turn, be billed for it. And vague misleading notices are not sufficient.

      2. blackcat*

        What frustrated me to no end is that this exact same thing happened to me–also with a $200 charge, entirely because we “discussed my asthma.”

        *The doctor asked me* if my asthma was under control. I said no, but that my allergist and I are on it, and there was nothing else said.

        How is that not a regular preventative care visit? I did not actually want to discuss my asthma, because I was already paying another doctor for that! At the same time, I understand why the doctor saw repeated testing in my chart and asked me about it.

        I explained this to my insurance, and they kicked back the bill to the doctor saying they had incorrectly coded it. THEN the office billed me for the entire amount again, because insurance had refused to pay. It was really awful.

        And so now, I just don’t do primary care visits anymore. I see my specialists and that’s it, because otherwise I end up being charged for telling my doctor that my chronic conditions are monitored by others.

        1. Anon for this*

          Wow, this is so depressing. I thought everyone was going to say that this isn’t how it works and my doctor’s billing office is just corrupt. I’m disgusted to see that this is happening to people all the time. I feel like I should bring a lawyer to my next checkup to advise me on what I can or can’t say to avoid getting charged (except, you know, the lawyer would cost even more).

          How is it fair that answering the doctor’s question costs you $200? I didn’t say a word about my blood pressure until the nurse asked me about it, and I didn’t ask for any treatment for it. The nurse didn’t say that discussing it would turn it into an office visit that I’d have to pay for out of pocket. She scheduled a follow up appointment to discuss my blood pressure, and I understand that will be an office visit, but $250 for her to say “drink more water and watch your sodium intake” is ridiculous.

          1. Fikly*

            Well, your doctors office is just corrupt! The people whose doctors offices are not taking advantage of the ability to do this are not posting.

            My GP’s office, for example, does not do this at all.

          2. Portia*

            I just want to add that although it sounds like a lot of doctors are choosing to bill this way, it’s not all of them! My GP specifically said my physical was for talking about any health issues that might be bothering me, and we talked about all kinds of stuff, including weight loss, eczema, referrals to a dermatologist, etc. At one point, she was considering writing me a prescription for something and then said, “Ugh, if I write a prescription, this won’t be billed as a physical anymore and you’ll get charged a co-pay, so let’s see if it resolves on its own and if not we’ll take care of it next time you’re in.” I wish everyone had a doctor like her.

            1. Anon for this*

              Yeah, I wish my doctor were like this. It would have been nice if the nurse had warned me that discussing my blood pressure in any way would result in getting charged for an office visit, and given me a chance to back out of that discussion.

              The dentist I go to is kind of like your doctor. They are awesome about checking on my insurance benefits and telling me how much I’ll be charged for what, and even figuring out the best timing for me to get dental work done (like if I would be better off getting something done before the end of the year or waiting until the new year). They give me a treatment plan upfront before they do anything I have to pay for out of pocket. Why can’t the doctor’s office do that?

      3. Alice*

        So when a patient who’s booked as a preventive visit asks about joint pain, do you tell them that the office visit charge is in play before you answer their question?
        On the other hand I suppose that might be a work question….

        1. Liz*

          I would think so, OR to discuss any issues that MIGHT have cropped up, that COULD turn into something that needs regular care. I mean i go for a physical, and I have bloodwork, and EKG etc. done. We then discuss those results. So let’s say my bloodwork indicated i was heading towards diabetes, as an example. I would expect that discussing that, and maybe the dr. saying well, try and cut back on this or that (all hypothetical by the way) to see if that helps, would be considered “preventative” care since by him making suggestions we are hoping to PREVENT something more serious developing.

      5. Dr. Anonymous*

        Same here. Makes me crazy. Now, if I ask you about your anxiety and it’s fine and I’m not giving you medication for it, I don’t bill for that. If someone else is managing your allergies, I note it and move on with my beautiful life. If you have a new diagnosis of your chronic medical condition, we’ll discuss lifestyle, make a plan for followup and possible future testing, and I’ll bill. Our assistants hand out a written reminder of this before the visit. if you bring up new stuff that’s not preventive in the visit, I’ll warn you verbally and document in the note that you may be billed.

        The big change is that so many people have high deductible plans now with preventive care “covered” only because the Affordable Care Act covers it. I have patients with $5000 deductibles now and I can’t get them to come in for diabetes follow up , high blood pressure follow up, to get needed lab tests other than during their physical when their insurance might pay for them, or to take medications they need because they have a high deductible.

        And if I get audited by Medicare I can get dinged and so can my organization if I bill too high OR TOO LOW. I’m not out to get anybody and certainly not out to trick anybody, but we have to pay the rent and the assistants and the lab techs and the radiologist and me and I do bill for the work I do.

    15. Gaia*

      I had this happen and I fought like hell to get it fixed. It took a lot of work, but what helped was having them look back at the records where I clearly indicated it was a checkup, not an office visit. They eventually re-billed the insurance as a physical.

      Don’t give up. Fight this, it is crap.

    16. My cat is a unicorn*

      Yes! This happened to me rights after the ACA passed. I had been kicked off my parents insurance the year prior and was so happy to go to the doctor and have it covered. It was routine, blood pressure, ect, except the doctor and I discussed many symptoms and she answered many questions. The visit was categorized as diagnostic not preventative. I owed 600+. Billing would not change. Insurance would not change. The doctor’s notes were considered diagnostic. At the time $600 was make or break for me.
      I have been scared to see a doctor since. It is so opaque and there is no recourse.
      I hope you have better luck getting the billing reversed!

    17. KEWLM0M*

      This is absolutely a thing now. And watch your mail, you may get another bill if your doctor is employed by a hospital, even though you didn’t set foot in the hospital, they can charge you a facility fee. Last year my husband went to the doctor, they told him to step on the scale, and they listened to his chest with a stethoscope and advised him to get a pneumonia shot and he was charged a visit and a hospital surcharge. I’ll reply to this with a Consumer Reports link regarding the facility fee

      3. Texan In Exile*

        Yes. Even if they don’t charge you a facility fee, if the doctor’s office just happens to be in a hospital, you may be charged with a hospital visit instead of an office visit. Even if you are making an office visit. To the doctor’s office. And are expecting to pay only a co-pay of $45 and not a hospital visit with a deductible of $500.

        I hate you so much BC of Michigan.

        Also, fix your damn systems. My husband’s name – let’s call him “MarkAlexander” for the sake of this p0st – should not be truncated in the name field, meaning I can’t find him when I go online. 1978 called and THEY WANT THEIR TEXT ENTRY FIELDS BACK.

    18. KR*

      Y’all, I mean this as non-politically as possible but…. Call your house rep. Call your senator. Tell them these stories and tell them the various negative ways it affects you (makes you not want to seek preventative care, not want to be honest with your doctors, delays diagnosis of diseases, ect). Light a fire under their butt and tell them that this is something that is important to you. You can leave a message or email so you don’t have to talk directly to them. But they are the ones who can push for change in our archaic medical system.

  10. Notsonormal*

    How long after a prolonged bad period in your life do you start to feel normal again?

    The last three years of my life have been super rough with a toxic draining job, health issues, marriage issues and family issues and a lack of support.

    I’m doing all the right things as prescribed but I still feel awful. I feel like I can’t remember what it feels like to feel normal and okay.

    1. Anon Here*

      I think you have to make it happen. You need a reset. Look into new and different ways to re-energize and get a fresh perspective. Try new things. Change will come.

    2. UbiCaritas*

      This may sound simplistic, but take care of yourself. Try to eat well and get enough sleep. Get some exercise. Be kind to yourself. Things WILL get better. (And it’s okay to vent here – this is a very caring community.)

      I don’t even know you, but I wish you all the best!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. It can vary by person. It took me years to get myself back and I don’t think all of me made it all the way back. In some ways I was stronger than I had ever been and in some ways I was weakened/humbled by what I saw and learned along the way.

        Stress pulls nutrition out of our bodies at a very high pace. So basically, part of recovery involves getting some nutrients into our bodies. Well if you think of stress as burning up energy and energy comes from proper nutrition, then this tends to make sense.

        Traumatic stuff impacts the levels that we live life on: physical, mental/spiritual and emotional. If it feels like no part of your life has gone untouched by recent events, that is probably correct. This stuff has touched all parts of your existence.
        Do small things to help each part of you. Do things to help your body, things to help your mind/soul and do things to help your emotions.
        Here’s the cool part, trust yourself to know what is the best thing to tackle this week. Just decide that you will probably pick out the most supportive thing you can do right now, and then go do it.
        Keep your choices simple so that the choices are doable. Add new routines or new practices one at a time so you can see how it is working out, but keep making these shifts. And not all of it is drudgery. You could decide that spending quality time with friend is a necessity for you. So you decide that once every week or two you deliberately get together with a friend. You can make shifts that give you immediate joy/smiles and still reclaim your life.

    3. Bg*

      Do you have professional support? That might help. Even just talking things out (a crisis line if you don’t have other options)
      This book/philosophy is based on a lot of good science. The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs
      It’s not really a cure just good lifestyle.

      Daily gratitude and mindfulness/meditation have good outcomes for wellbeing.
      Everyone’s process is a little different. I wish you well on your journey.

    4. Sled dog mama*

      Not that it makes it any easier but it takes a while and may take some professional support.
      After my daughter’s death it took a good six months to stop being a total mess and nearly three years before I’ve felt very normal.
      She was 9 days old so obviously it was a sustained period of time but it was pretty major so experiences vary.

    5. anon attorney*

      I understand. When you’re doing the right things but don’t feel better, it feels never ending.

      Improvement is gradual. Your immune system has been getting a kicking from excess stress hormones. You probably aren’t going to wake up one day and feel back to normal. Sometimes we don’t notice small improvements but the wheel is turning in the right direction.

      Keep at the hydration and nutrition. For me, exercise, therapy, trying to eat well and most importantly forgiving myself for not being perfect have been the biggest anchors in moving forward from caregiving and bereavement. I’m still not 100 per cent three and a half years on, but I am unrecognisably better in how I feel and what I can do. This stuff takes patience. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else. If a friend said “I’m not ok yet” wouldn’t you say something “hey its early days still, be good to yourself, hang on in there”? So can you say that to yourself too?

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        Great advice, all of this. I’m at 15 months out, and better a little each day. Nutrition, sleep, therapy, and finally exercise. (Added one thing at a time.) Always, working at forgiving. And reframing, changing the voices/tapes that otherwise wreck my thinking and inner peace.

    6. Prettynormal*

      I stayed at Toxic Job (which this comment is not about, honest!) for ten years and had the usual hail of home issues at the same time to compound the stress. I’ve heard it can take a whole year to recover from that but it took me three years after leaving. One lesson learned: if you’re scolding yourself for not snapping out of it and getting back to happy as fast as you think you ought, you’re just adding more stress and making the wait longer. It’s like the watched pot that never boils: You get better when you quit checking to see whether you’re there yet. You are normal and okay and you’ll feel that way again.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      It wasn’t a specific time frame for me, it was more just letting it go. I flicked a switch in my mind and I just told myself that it’s over and there’s no point in thinking about it anymore, and to stop worrying about something I can’t change. Then I just went on with life and starting getting back into my usual routines.

  11. Charlotte*

    Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m just…unnecessary.

    You ever get that feeling? I mean like, it’s not that people actively /don’t/ want you around, but they wouldn’t care (or notice) if you weren’t there?

    1. Shiny Infernape*

      Yep. All the time.
      About 60% of the time I have the kid sound to he would clearly miss me if I disappeared, but he spends a lot of the time he’s here telling me he wishes he saw his dad more (but I think that’s just down to him thinking it should be exactly 50%). But yeah mostly I feel like no one would gaf if I disappeared. It’s horrible and I’m sad you feel that way too.

    2. Ghost*

      Yes, I can completely relate. I quietly disappeared from social media about six months ago because I felt like none of my online “friends” would actually care, and indeed, no one has cared…. I logged on once or twice since then and there were no missing notifications or anything.

      I don’t really have any friends in the city where I live, but I thought I had at least a couple friends scattered around the country. However, I realized I was always the first one to reach out and initiate a convo on text… so I just stopped a few months ago to see if any of them would care enough to initiate and contact me first for once. Nope. It has been several months since I’ve heard from any of them.

      1. Ghost*

        And yes, I realize that it’s maybe unhealthy to “test” people like that, but I was just really curious if anyone actually cares because it seemed like they didn’t. The answer—which I suspected—was no.

        1. Jessa1*

          That is so painful I know, but try to remember most online stuff is very superficial, and if you could see into most people’s REAL lives you would find you are not alone in feeling this way. I think volunteering, church groups, crafting (in person) or other clubs/groups are key to making real friends who would most definitely miss you if you suddenly went silent.

        2. Filosofickle*

          I will share a slightly different perspective.

          Many years ago I noticed that it seemed like I did all the initiating with friends. I stopped calling, and watched how long it would take them to notice and call me. It took one friend a few months, when previously we talked probably every 2 weeks. It had also come to my attention that I talked “too much”, so I also started talking less to give other people more space. No one filled the space, conversations were harder and more strained. It was clear I’d been doing all the heavy lifting. My takeaway was that these were not good friends, they didn’t really want to talk to or spend time with me. I let them go.

          In hindsight I wonder if I misread some of that. When I think about it from their perspective, what they saw is that someone who frequently called them and carried the conversation suddenly stopped. From their perspective, I’m the one who walked away, not them. We had a relationship that operated on unspoken rules, and I changed the rules without saying anything. I’ll never know whether they felt relieved, or confused and rejected. (Now I understand that people choose me because I talk a lot! It’s a feature, at least sometimes.)

    3. !*

      Yes, I have been feeling this more and more lately as well. I’m very much a homebody (and an introvert), and the person I enjoy spending the most time with is my husband, but I also crave my alone time apart from him as well. That being said, I had for many years gone out of my way to attend the weddings, births, and other celebrations of my family members and always felt like an outsider. I am the only one of my siblings without children, so don’t have a lot of celebrations, but the one time I tried it just seemed to fall flat (and not many attended anyway). I don’t have any friends, literally, since I’ve lived in three different states so any friends I had made in the past are all gone now and we don’t keep in touch. I’ve lived in my current state for 20 years, and while I know people, have never called anyone to chat or make plans. I’ve always only ever had one friend at at time in my life, and for the last 20 years that person has been my husband. It’s an odd way to live, but since I’m so used to it, I have no idea how to branch out especially since I don’t generally have the same interests as other women, or at least other women I know. Even at work, I hardly ever talk to anyone at length, or, if I do, it’s almost always a man, since the women I work with and I don’t have much in common. I am not someone who enjoys small talk, but if something interests me, I can engage well. My job is very people-facing, and I’m good at it because it allows me to use my logical mind, but I find it hard to just shoot the breeze with people in general. If I left my company, I think the only thing that people would miss are my work abilities. One of my Facebook friends who I had known when I lived in a previous state, who posted a great deal (I hardly ever post anything), died this year. His postings were a comfort to me which I miss because I felt there was someone else out there in the universe with whom I could relate.

    5. Nessun*

      Yes. I’ve felt that way, and I expect I’ll feel that way again. I try to fill my life with things I value and enjoy, but I am not good at making romantic connections, so I often feel like a third wheel, or an unnecessary extension of the group. Most of the time, it passes. When it sticks, I comfort myself as best I can and try to remove the trigger, which is unfortunately usually someone else’s happy relationship in front of me. I have no answers, only sympathy.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      This could be depression thoughts/jerkbrain that Capt Awkward sometimes addresses. Jerkbrain tells you things that aren’t true. Winter is a tough time for those who have to fight off such thoughts, but it can be done. So many of us feel alone these days. It’s like a flu that’s going around.
      You DO matter and you have a right to be here and use resources. Keep on keepin’ on and be good to yourself.
      Sending hopeful thoughts for a better future.

    7. Tris Prior*

      Yes, I sometimes feel like people just forget about me and my partner. Like, if we show up for something, we’re greeted warmly and we have good conversation and have fun. So we don’t feel like no one likes us. More like we are…. unmemorable? Like people don’t intentionally shun us, often just don’t think to include us?

  12. New to the UK*

    Hi all!

    In short, I moved to London from a small town in the US several months ago. Overall I’m enjoying my new job and coworkers and all the cultural offerings! However, I’m making a non-profit salary and having issues socialising because London is Expensive. I’ve never lived in this big of a city before so I’m not sure what people do. Any suggestions?

    More details – overall I’m really struggling to go out on weekends. I’ve always been broke or broke-adjacent, especially because I put as much as possible towards my student loans every month on top of regular bills. In the US I lived in a fairly small and cheap town – it was easy to drive 10 minutes to meet up with friends. But because London is so big and so expensive it’s been difficult to justify the cost of public transport to go meet people and hang out outside of work (which often includes spending money on drinks or coffee, etc). As the only American in the office I’ve also realised that my student debt is seen as exceptional – I’m basically paying off my coworkers’ equivalent of their entertainment/eating out/drinks/shopping budget each month. I would love to join them when they go out, but I’ve been transparent that it’s not in the financial cards.

    This is complicated by my income being lower (seems like salary overall is lower than in the US?). I get great benefits and employee rights, but my partner and I both have lower salaries and higher bills. We’re fortunate that we have been able to make it work, but both of us feel rather isolated and restless, especially on weekends.

    Does anyone have similar experiences transitioning to life in a big, expensive place?

    1. Fellow US expat*

      Welcome to London!

      Student debt is not unheard of here, since there are now fees associated with attending university (Labour is pledging to abolish them). But yes, it is usually much less onerous.

      Also, as you have seen, London has a huge drinking after work culture. There is literally nowhere to sit at pubs after say 3-4pm on Friday. Try not to opt out of this. It is important socially that you participate at least some of the time.

      The one bit of good news is that you don’t need a car here, so you’ll at least save money on insurance, cay payments, and registration fees.

    2. Meercat*

      Hi hi! Former Londoner who is also not from the UK but moved there for grad school/stayed after graduating here. Unfortunately it is really tricky because UK students don’t have that high of student debt and a lot of London socialising involves spending money.
      I don’t know if this is in the cards for you at all, but it may be worth it to have a look over your student loan repayment plan and to see if there is an extra 50-100 Pounds a month you can pay off less, so that you can participate at least in some of the socialising; and then plan out what you’re going to go to.
      I know this sounds counterintuitive and I totally applaud you being so responsible and working hard to pay off your loans; but if it means that you can’t socialise, meet friends, and enjoy the city you just moved to, then you’re really not allowing yourself to live in the present and are missing out on a lot of things that can make this period of your life really precious for you.
      Also, someone on a thread further up suggested to think about volunteering – maybe look into that as well? You can meet people and do something lovely without spending money.
      Additionally, maybe have a think about your living situation? I know you’re probably already flatsharing etc., but if you can look for a place that is a bit further out and maybe the room is smaller, that can easily make a difference of 200 Pounds a month, which you can then spend on public transport and going out potentially? It will probably make your commute longer, true, but it may give you some more quality of life by being able to socialise etc.

      1. londonedit*

        Welcome to London!

        Part of the issue is probably that people don’t even think about student debt as a real thing – your student loan is taken straight from your salary like an additional tax. I know roughly how much I pay and how much I still owe, but it’s a manageable amount each month and our student debt doesn’t affect credit ratings or mortgage approval or anything so most people don’t think about it too much.

        Anyway. London is expensive! But there are cheaper things to do – I don’t know which part of the city you’re in but there are groups and clubs everywhere for all sorts of hobbies. And if you follow Londonist on Facebook they have a guide to all the free and cheap things to do in the city each week. Try to socialise with your colleagues – yes pubs are big for socialising but pubs are way more casual than American bars and you can happily go to the pub without having to drink loads or get drunk. Most people don’t really care if you’re drinking or not. And look into finding some local groups depending on what your interests are. London is a big city but it’s made up of little villages and towns – you want to feel connected to the place where you live first, and then to the wider city.

      2. Filosofickle*

        This is wise advice. Overpaying to get rid of debt is ideal, but not at the expense of building your network and life in the present. You don’t have to be reckless about it…a little extra spending money might make life a lot better.

    3. CrazyPlantLady*

      If your loans are at a reasonably low interest rate, it might be worth rethinking your budget to cut back a little on how much you’re paying toward them so that your overall quality of life is better. Yes, it sucks that you’ll have loans for longer, but if it allows you to be happier and have some social life, it might be worthwhile. If I were you, I would think through what a reasonable budget would be for relatively inexpensive night socializing (e.g. 1 drink plus dinner at a pub) and then plan for 1 night per week at that cost, reducing my loan payments by that much.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      American expat here in London and I’ve bounced in and out of this city a few times in my life. You aren’t wrong, the salaries ARE lower here, although sometimes the benefits make up for it. I am middle aged now, but I first moved here right after college and those broke years were better than the ‘i have a bit of money’ years. When no one has money you have to get creative – meet ups for picnics in the summer or get together for drinks at someones place before going out, etc. I would suggest you potentially look at a job move to a higher salary, though, once youve been there a year or 18 months. Finding a new job here takes aaagggesss, along with the notice periods being much longer than the US (mine is 3 months, for instance, I wish it was two weeks!).

      There is usually a lot of free stuff on any given day/weekend and most museums had free late nights or free days. But try some of the smaller museums off the beaten path. I also like to just walk and wander between two destinations and see all sorts of stuff Ive never seen before. There are lots of meet up groups for anything you may be interested in – we used to go to a puzzle meet up in a pub once a month just to socialize with others. Any hobby you do you can probably find others doing it too, even in the area local to where you are living.

      For transport – do you have a commuterclub card in order to pay monthly? It works more like a season ticket loan but you get advantageous rates and one month free for the same price you would pay with (i think) contactless. I dont need one right now, but I do borrow my partner’s on the weekend if he isn’t going out so at least I can zip around town to go do things.

      Definitely see if you can lower your US payments in the meantime to free up some extra cash for drinks because that really is a huge part of office life here, and the best way to meet new people. Weve met all sorts of folks as friends of work friends, who came along to drinks one night after work. My current place no one spontaneously goes for drinks because they are all extremely dull people, and it makes for a boring existence. You don’t have to stay for hours on end, but once or twice a month is a good start.

    5. Ra94*

      Another American expat in London here! In my very anecdotal experience, I feel like Londoners go out more but don’t necessarily spend as much when they do. After work, you can order a half pint for £2.50 at the pub and nurse it all evening, and you won’t look weird- the idea is more to be out and social, not necessarily to spend loads. Also, a lot of socializing, at least in my social circle, happens at home- dinner parties, house parties, etc. Or for a younger crowd, drinking at someone’s flat before going “out out” to a cheap club.

      I’d look into whether a monthly or yearly Oyster travelcard would make sense for you, both financially and psychologically- if you’ve already paid for unlimited transport ahead of time, there’s no disincentive to going out.

      On weekends, there’s tons of free stuff to take advantage of in London. As others have said, every major museum is free. Christmas season is full of free activities, like Winter Wonderland and the South Bank market. There’s tons of free or £3 comedy nights, often with very high calibre comedians trying out new material- check out listings on Chortle, or try the Camden Head or Invisible Dot. This season can get a bit muddy, but the outdoors is still beautiful to explore, and you can explore Hampstead Heath or Epping Forest to feel like you’ve escaped the city without leaving town.

    6. Lindsay*

      I’ve only visited London for two weeks, but definitely take advantage of the free museums and parks!

    7. DrTheLiz*

      As an ex-Londoner, can you get a bicycle? Halfords has a basic one for ~£90 and if you get a D-lock for ~£20 (do this or it *will* be stolen. Might be stolen anyway.) then suddenly you’re not paying for public transport any more. It’s totally socially acceptable to cycle to a pub/cinema/whatever, join in, then cycle off home.

      1. Nancy*

        Another ex-Londoner here. Do consider getting a bike! They are very socially acceptable, and cost-effective. And, you know, anything to avoid the tube at rush hour. I used two locks – D-lock and a heavy chain. Someone once told me using two different types of locks offers more of a deterrent.

    8. Sleepless*

      I haven’t lived in London but I’ve spent a little time there, and I was delighted at how many free activities there are. As the others have said, at least you’re saving the expenses of having a car…the last time I was there I spent the whole week riding around everywhere on the Tube and I did spend money on my Oyster card, but it was about what I would have spent for gas in my (moderate COL/very sprawling, congested American) city in that time.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      I suggest you call FedLoan Servicing to see if you can refinance or consolidate your student loans to a lower rate. Some plans are income-based, and with the lower salary you may qualify. I’ve had positive experiences working with them to keep my monthly payments at a manageable rate.

      London is such a fantastic city! I’m envious you’re getting to spend time there. Personally, just walking around and soaking up the history would do it for me, at least for a few months. Many museums are free or donation based. I’m sure there must be free concerts and such to go to. When I’m there I find the Tube to be reasonable to get around, but I’m sensing the cost of even that for you is too much? Would it be possible to get bikes? London seemed pretty bike friendly. And yes, Pub life! It seems an important part if socializing there, but I don’t know that you need to splurge beyond a beer or two.

    10. Nancy*

      Hello! I completely agree that London can be a challenge if you’re not earning much! I moved there in my late 20s, and worked in a not-well-paying part of the publishing industry, and it honestly was a struggle financially. Coming from elsewhere in the UK, it took me a couple of years at least really to feel comfortable in London. I mean, it’s just so big, both in terms of population and geography. And having to travel for more than an hour just to get to a friend’s house for drinks. Argh!

      But now that I’ve left, there are such a lot of things that I really miss. There are lots of free/cheap events and places to visit: museums, art galleries, parks, river bank walks, pub quizzes, markets. Do they still do the £10 tickets at the National Theatre? Walking along the South Bank, especially when the Christmas market is on. And my absolute favourite weekend of the year: Open House, in September, when buildings that aren’t open to the public are opened up, completely free: government ministries, offices, religious buildings, private houses etc etc. Years ago my partner bought me a book of London walks, and we used to set off on a Saturday and explore a new area. One of the most interesting was about hidden rivers of London, like the Westbourne and the Tyburn.

      Another thing is how easy it is to get out of London. I ended up getting one of these railcards offering 1/3 off or something. Family and Friends? Anyway, it has quite a good discount on national rail services, and we used it to go to places like Brighton, Box Hill, Winchester, Cambridge etc. There are loads of lovely places to visit that are not too far from London, and you feel like you’ve had a break from the city.

      Also (and apologies – this is turning into a real essay) London is definitely expensive for accommodation, and I don’t know what your situation is, but I’d definitely recommend moving away from a Tube line. That seems to make things a bit cheaper. We ended up in an area of South London that was on a national rail line going into London Bridge or Victoria, which was ok (or we could take the bus to the nearest tube). There’s also, I believe, an agency that arranges people to live in otherwise unoccupied buildings, for much reduced rent. I think it’s got Guardians in the name. I had a colleague who did that for a while, and he saved a lot of money.

      Gosh, I really miss London after writing all of this! I don’t want to generalise too much, but I think a lot of people find London hard at first – I know I did – but after a while you notice it’s got under your skin. All these layers and layers of history, and this sense of being at the centre of important stuff happening (probably not in a good way at the moment, but still).

      Good luck!

  13. New to the UK*

    Hi all!

    In short, I moved to London from a small town in the US several months ago. Overall I’m enjoying my new job and coworkers and all the cultural offerings! However, I’m making a non-profit salary and having issues socialising because London is Expensive. I’ve never lived in this big of a city before so I’m not sure what people do. Any suggestions?

    More details – overall I’m really struggling to go out on weekends. I’ve always been broke or broke-adjacent, especially because I put as much as possible towards my student loans every month on top of regular bills. In the US I lived in a fairly small and cheap town – it was easy to drive 10 minutes to meet up with friends. But because London is so big and so expensive it’s been difficult to justify the cost of public transport to go meet people and hang out outside of work (which often includes spending money on drinks or coffee, etc). As the only American in the office I’ve also realised that my student debt is seen as exceptional – I’m basically paying off my coworkers’ equivalent of their entertainment/eating out/drinks/shopping budget each month. I would love to join them when they go out, but I’ve been transparent that it’s not in the financial cards.

    This is complicated by my income being lower (seems like salary overall is lower than in the US?). I get great benefits and employee rights, but my partner and I both have lower salaries and higher bills. We’re fortunate that we have been able to make it work, but both of us feel rather isolated and restless, especially on weekends.

    Does anyone have similar experiences transitioning to life in a big, expensive place?

  14. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Jamie – garlic-herb drop biscuits (aka shabby chic ass rolls) as requested !

    I actually start with Serious Eats plain drop biscuit recipe, then just add my garlic herb seasoning with the flour. Mine is Vik’s Garlic Fix from the Spice & Tea Exchange, which is a mix of dried garlic, chives, shallots, salt, pepper – you could just use garlic powder and Italian seasoning, or whatever sounds good, either sweet or savory. Can also put a bit of shredded cheese in for cheesy biscuits, a la Red Lobster. I don’t measure any of my add ins though, sorry, I just eyeball it!

    Ingredients
    4 ounces cold unsalted butter (1 stick), cut into 1/4-inch pieces and refrigerated
    1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (8 ounces)
    2 teaspoons baking powder
    1 teaspoon kosher salt
    3/4 cup whole milk (2% is fine, I’ve never tried lower than that)

    Directions
    1. Preheat oven to 400°F (200°C) and line a baking sheet with parchment paper; alternatively, grease the baking sheet with butter.

    2. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt.

    3. Toss butter into dry ingredients until coated with flour. Working quickly, using your fingers or a pastry blender, rub or cut butter into flour until it resembles coarse meal. Alternatively, add flour mixture and butter to the bowl of a food processor and pulse 2 to 3 times to form pea-sized pieces; transfer to a large bowl.

    4. Add milk and stir with a fork until the mixture just comes together into a slightly sticky, shaggy dough.

    5. For small biscuits, use a teaspoon or a small cookie scoop to mound walnut-sized balls of dough onto prepared baking sheet. For large biscuits, use a 1/4-cup measuring cup to mound balls of dough onto prepared baking sheet.

    6. Bake biscuits until golden brown, about 15 minutes for small biscuits and 20 minutes for large ones. Let cool slightly, then transfer to a wire rack. Serve warm or at room temperature.

    1. anon24*

      Not Jamie, but thanks for this! I LOVE a good biscuit and I actually have Vik’s Garlic Fix – that stuff makes me drool instantly when I smell it – its my favorite premixed spice!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh! I almost forgot – because the Vik’s has salt in it, I don’t add as much salt as the base recipe calls for. Some of the comments on the base recipe found it on the salty side as-is. (I didn’t, but I like salty things so I am not a good judge.)

    3. Texan In Exile*

      Jamie, once you are done reading this recipe, go to your LinkedIn messages – I put a link to a Hello Kitty onesie on eBay for you. :)

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Copied this for my next trial. I found the red lobster mix for cheddar biscuits too salty, but love the buttery texture. This… this sounds wonderful!

  15. The Meow*

    Irrational anger thread:

    I didn’t get invited to an event I didn’t want to go and now I’m mad at the hostess for not inviting me.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I once got angry about the prices at my local cinema even though I never go to it because I don’t like watching films with other people. I went on a pretty long rant about it only to forget about it like an hour later.

    2. WellRed*

      She will probably serve cheap ass rolls so tell yourself you aren’t missing much and find something much better to do while you’re the event is happening ; )

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Why do I have to push 9 different buttons and levers to start my tractor?
      Why can’t I just push a button and go?
      Who thought that setting NINE different things was a GREAT idea when clearly it is so wildly inefficient.
      I think I should be able to just push a button and start mowing or plowing, whichever.

      [First world problem, NSNR, first world problem.]

      1. Claire (Scotland)*

        I got diagnosed with gallstones last week. :/

        I started having really sharp stabbing pains in my right side, kept getting worse and I couldn’t sleep Wednesday night so I went to the open surgery at my GP the next morning. He examined me, did a quick urine test and sent me to the hospital for further investigation. I was admitted through A&E, sent straight to the surgical observation unit (I thought I’d be waiting ages in A&E but nope) and then examined there immediately. They gave me morphine for the pain so I was a bit floaty. Senior consultant was pretty sure it was my gallbladder but needed ultrasound to confirm but they didn’t have any slots left for scans, so I had to go home (with strong painkillers) and go back on on the Friday for the ultrasound. Which I did, and the doctor who did the scan found gallstones immediately. So I saw the senior registrar and discussed treatment. They figured I had cholecystitis – inflammation of the gallbladder from the stones – so I’ve been on antibiotics for the past week. They said I’d get a clinic appointment to discuss elective surgery to remove the gallbladder. This morning I got the letter with my appointment – mid-afternoon on December 31st. Happy Hogmanay to me, I guess!

        Does anyone have any experience with gallstones, having surgery to remove the gallbladder, or advice on gallstone issues? I’ve never had anything like this before, have never had any surgeries, and haven’t needed to get in hospital before (I’m 43) so this is all weird to me.

        1. OperaArt*

          I’ve had my gallbladder removed. There were 4 or 5 very small incisions on the front right side of the torso. Some pain, but probably no worse or even less than you’re feeling now. I can’t remember the recovery time exactly (after 6 surgeries they kind of blur together) but it wasn’t all that long.

          The main after effect for me is that my body can’t process dietary fat. I had to reduce the amount, and that’s probably s good thing. Other people I know haven’t had the same problem.

          I felt so much better after having my gallbladder removed. I hope your surgery goes well.

        2. Fikly*

          My dad had his out due to gallstones. He got it done laparoscopically, so tiny incisions, in the hospital in the morning, home that afternoon. He was in his 60s by then, and he recovered pretty well, aside from the issue I’ll mention below.

          Your ability to digest fat may change after – he’s been lucky in that it hasn’t been affected much, but some people get very ill if they eat too much fat, so I’d advise starting with low amounts at first.

          My biggest takeaway from his surgery is be absolutely sure they check your bile duct for any stones that may be wandering down. They didn’t check his, then 12 hours after surgery (he was home by then) he developed severe pain, ended up in the ER with pancreatitis, and it turned out they missed over a dozen stones in his bile duct, and they had to go back in and deal with that.

          1. Liz*

            oooh, OUCH. while I didn’t have gallstones, I’ve had pancreatitis TWICE. a complication from a procedure to remove a benign polyp from right where the opening of the pancreatic duct is. So not fun and i would not wish it on my worst enemy!

      2. Clever Name*

        I have the same feeling about using the scan function on the copier at work. It takes 12 steps. I counted.

    6. Great Beyond*

      I’m still angry at a former colleague- whom I’d only talk to a handful of times and never worked with- for not inviting me to his party. The corker? If he had invited me, I probably would not have gone anyway! (My friend didnt go, so I would not have gone alone!) I’m still upset about not being invited though!

    7. MRK*

      The coffee shop got my order wrong yesterday morning, but close enough that it seemed petty so ask for it remade (wrong flavor, correct style.) Plus I hate making a scene and I hate wasting food so I just took it. And it was… fine.
      And I’m still grumpy and want my correct coffee.

    9. Dan*

      I got laid off from a job I liked but was thinking about leaving six years ago. One of the top employers in my field called me out of the blue to discuss a position that was not available to the general public (e.g., me when I looked at the website), and I was back on the payroll two months later. My income has almost doubled in the last six years, and I suffered no real “harm” for not having a paycheck. IOW, getting laid off was the best thing ever.

      And to this day I am still pissed that I got laid off. Unless threads like this pop up, I don’t think about it too much anymore. But when I do, my irrational anger kicks in.

      1. PseudoMona*

        Last year I was laid off from a job I was thinking of leaving, that had me living in a city I hated. I got a really nice severance package, got to take an extended break from work, and now live in a city I love and and my new job is a nice salary bump.
        And…I’m still mad about the layoff.

    11. Ra94*

      I was testing ideas for what to bring to Thanksgiving as dessert, and made delicious chocolate cookies. They turned out great! And now I’m angry that either I’ll eat them all and feel super unhealthy, or they’ll go to waste. (I definitely won’t be able to eat them all. It’s okay. I had to test the recipe. But irrational annoyance!)

    12. Hellophoebe*

      I went to a couples therapist to improve our relationship and then got really mad when she criticised my relationship.

    13. Lora*

      I had to get out the extension cord to vacuum in the hallway and then I left it laying in the hallway instead of picking it up and putting it away. Then an hour later when I was carrying a bucket of used (ie dirty) mop water down the hall to dispose of it, I tripped over the extension cord and slopped nasty muddy floor water everywhere. That horrible screaming GOD DAM M-F-ING PIECE OF FKING SHT you heard around 11am today, that was me.

      1. Liz*

        I’m so sorry that happened to you but i laughed my butt off because i have been known to yell similar things when i’ve done something that pissed me off.

    14. Thankful for AAM*

      I messed up and went to the wrong location for a half day workshop so I missed it. But then I got upset because I found out my boss and her boss also went but they carpooled and did not ask me to join them (we have a very informal workplace and it would have been very typical to include me) which made me want to blame them bc if they had asked me to carpool, I would not have been confused abput the location. But it was really my own fault.

    15. Oh such an anonymous moose*

      My family was trying to arrange my marriage with this guy and I was in a dark place with no hope of getting out of it. I gave them the o.k. to go ahead because I’d be miserable married to this stranger or not, but it’ll make my mother stop worrying about my future.

      months go by, we haven’t heard from this guy’s family, and I’ve moved from resigned to furious. I don’t want to marry him, and I am dreaming up creative ways to say no.

      And then after a year of nothing, we find out he’s engaged to another girl.

      And I’m feeling angry, hurt and rejected. How dare he dismiss me just like that, deny me the chance to say no? Am I not good enough for him?

    16. Sleepless*

      I got dumped by a guy I was about to break up with anyway. He dumped me for another girl. I was indignant and insulted, and mad at myself for even caring because, really, the only reason I hadn’t dumped HIM yet was that I really liked his friend group.

    17. Hrovitnir*

      This thread is great. My friend accidentally asked if we were going to fireworks “later” after we went to a mutual friend’s birthday brunch. He never followed up, because almost certainly the (other) mutual friend who invited him only wanted to invite him – I would not have gone, but feeling excluded stings.

      (The subtext for extra spice is a ridiculous situation where she has asked him out twice and he’s said no but goes along with a fairly high level of plausibly-deniable-dates, plus he has obliquely told her he likes me (which she told me), and I would be interested if I was single but I am not.)

  16. Jdc*

    It has been a busy week. I found a turkey for 50 cents a lb so even though I’m not cooking for thanksgiving that came home. Since I didn’t have freezer space I made a mini thanksgiving on Thursday. I also googled the Moist Maker sandwich recipe from Friends and am making that today. Likely followed by a nap. Haha.

    We put up Xmas lights yesterday. My husband wanted to wait until next weekend but there was likely to be snow and colder so I pushed to do it this weekend. Glad we did because an outlet apparently isn’t working so we can get it fixed today. We bought this stick thing that you clip the gutter or shingle clip on and don’t have to use a ladder. Ya don’t buy that. It doesn’t work. You are supposed to hook the lights but catching them but imagine threading a needle 29 feet in the air. I also found some YouTube videos saying the same thing. That is going back. My landlord not too long ago bought the property next door to us which is great as it was run down. He’s doing siding so he had the rolling scaffolding up. He happened to drive by and told us to use it. Life saver. Who knew I needed scaffolding in my life!

    Thinking the rest of the weekend will be relaxing mixed with an errand or two. Need to return this stick to Lowe’s and frankly i want to get it done before Black Friday weekend next weekend when it’s chaos.

    I am up crazy early because between two dogs burrowing for warms and my space heater husband I was soaked in sweat. That’s ok that, I have my post turkey sandwich nap planned later and i get to relaxed in quiet with some coffee. Haha. I’m kind of a zombie in the am so I appreciate a nice slow, quiet wake up.

    I’m also catching up on The Affair on Showtime. We got the app for free when we upgraded a phone recently. Woohoo because we watch Shameless, so now I can catch up. Not loving this season so far but curious where it goes.

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I had good luck with a “homemade” light-hanging stick that I threw together last year. It’s a mop handle with a plastic “keep a bag of chips closed” clip from Dollar Tree duct taped to the end (I think twist-ties may also be involved). I used this with the cheap lighting clips I’d bought the year before when I thought it would be easy to just get on a ladder because my new house is only one story (this is before I’d noticed how little of the area surrounding my house was free of things like rose bushes and also just how high the gutters on a single story roof still are).

      I’d stick the lights on the light clips, clip the top of the light clip into the chip bag clip, tie a ribbon onto a different hook on the light clip so I could get the bottom of the light clip open wider to fit over the gutter, and then raise the stick and pop the bottom of the light clip onto the gutter, keep tension on the ribbon, pull off the chip clip, and then use the now-free chip clip/mop handle to pull off the ribbon. For something comprised entirely of things from Dollar Tree, my junk drawer, and/or things I’d already bought before getting this particular idea, it worked pretty well. (Getting the clips down again worked much less well, and many of them just stayed up there all year. I got all the lights down just fine, though.)

      Most of my strings of lights aren’t working right this year for some reason, though. They’re all LED lights bought within the past 2 years, but most of the strings either won’t light up at all or only part of the string will light up. They were only up seasonally and then stored (inside) on the spools they came on, so I ‘m not sure what happened.

      1. Jdc*

        That sounds like a good invention. I should have husband rig something similar up for next time. Luckily Lowe’s is good about returns so it went back. Ya what the heck. LEDs are supposed to last a long time. That’s a bummer. I don’t trust the ones I bought this year will because they are cheap Walmart. They were the only one who had the lights I wanted though this year.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Mine were about $20-$25 a spool depending on sales, GE brand, and from Fred Meyers. Last year, I bought enough to outline the entire perimeter of my roof, plus part of the fence, because the only outdoor plug is in the backyard and I figured extra lighting around the entire house exterior isn’t a bad idea.

          I’m pretty cranky about it since I spent a few hundred dollars on something that I assumed I’d get long term use out of, and I’m not sure if I should try and figure out what’s wrong with them, buy new ones, or just not bother this year. (It’s awkward to just not bother, because my yard is in a pretty prominent location so a lot of people I know socially or at work would notice and comment that if I didn’t do a display at all this year. I am not spending $200+ on new lights every year, though.)

  17. A Non E-Mouse*

    I am hoping people with more difficult recurring or chronic conditions/diseases can give me some advice. Is there anything I can say – or should I even say anything – to convince my mother to pursue every treatment available? For several years now she has been dealing with Lupus along with another chronic condition that gives her constant pain which I am not naming for sake of anonymity (I think I’ve mentioned it here before). She also had a joint replacement surgery (think hip/knee) a couple years ago that was done badly and left her with more pain than she had before. Now I am being told she also has leukemia.

    Understandably all this pain has her pretty miserable. She is also pretty much alone – while she has friends, she is in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere in one state while I am in a big city on the other coast – so she refuses to be tested to even find out which version of leukemia she has until after the holidays, and after that I’ve been given the impression that she will only do very basic treatments – I don’t think she will even consider chemo or radiation. From what I understand from just general reading online (I don’t want to read too much and scare myself too badly until I have real hard facts about where she stands) even with the worst form of leukemia, the lowest rate of remission I saw was 60%. 60% of people who get treated go into remission, and with others she can easily have an 80-90% chance of remission. That sounds pretty great to me considering the other option is death. I have also read that chemo can be used as a treatment for the Lupus. So in my mind I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want to try to treat both of these at once.

    I want to tell her to just go after it with everything science has given us and try to kill both of them. I also want to respect her decisions and her boundaries. But those two desires don’t really play well together. I am also certain that depression plays a big part in her decision to only do the minimum treatments, so I don’t want to feed that. So should I be pushing her? Should I let her be the adult she is and make her own choices? I just don’t know what to do. I am specifically asking people with similar conditions because I think you’ll understand better than I can where her mind might be. Thanks

    1. Anon for RA*

      As a person with RA (rheumatologists treat people with RA and lupus), I can say that being there for your mom and listening to her talk about how she feels will go a long way in having her feel supported. You can talk through the pros and cons of getting these treatments. Maybe she is scared the treatments will make her feel worse and it will be too much to bear. Maybe she is scared they will make her sick (vomit, etc.) and she doesn’t have the necessary support there to help her through the sickness. Depression and feeling overwhelmed by all the stuff you have to deal with when you’re chronically ill can keep you from doing anything extra that might help (and might make you feel worse in the short term). I hope your mom gets the help and support she needs.

      1. A Non E-Mouse*

        Thanks. I do need to call her more often so I will try to be better at that. She definitely doesn’t have support to help if she starts feeling worse but I recently found a program in her area that can potentially get her someone there 20 hours a week for free. Fingers are crossed.

    2. StellaBella*

      My mom had esophageal cancer. Her wishes and her management of her disease were to just do the treatments and see. She lived 2+ years longer than expected, and my family and I were thankful for that. A counselor can help, and good luck. I am sorry this is so difficult.

      1. Digley Doowap*

        Talk and listen. Don’t insist she do “everything” to stay alive as it is her life and her suffering. Some choose to do nothing and that is OK because it is her choice.

        Living with chronic pain is not living, only existing. Alone in a small town or alone in a big town is still alone.

        The only reason I’m still alive is my wife, as I’m not ready to bring the pain of my death upon her. But she knows my suffering as she also suffers. The end is usually painful and I believe a short end is prefered to a long one.

        Facing death and knowing that I can die at my hand is better than living in a no-care facility just to sustain my suffering, prolong death and wring dry wealth I’ve spent my life building.

        I know my family will miss me when I’m gone but I will be free of suffering on my terms.

        1. UbiCaritas*

          My husband has metastatic cancer and doesn’t want to be treated. It absolutely guts me (although I understand his choice) – I want him to be here for our kids and grands. But it’s hard.

          1. MatKnifeNinja*

            Close family member has lung cancer that is a tick below metastatic.

            He has decided to do nothing but ride it out through palliative care, then through hospice.

            Only 57, but he said what months/years he has left will not be spent looking at hospital walls and infusion pumps. Doesn’t want to bankrupt his family.

            He found an oncologist who is cool with the above. His previous one flipped out and discharged him from the practice.

            Treatment won’t cure him, and it may not buy that much more quality time.

            Right now he is traveling with his family, creating memories.

            I’m sorry to hear about your husband. It is hard just accepting a distanced relative’s decision, let alone a spouse. That’s gotta be so hard.

            *gentle internet hugs*

    3. Fikly*

      There is unlikely there is anything you can say to get her to change her mind.

      As to whether you should, ask yourself why you want her to. Is it for your benefit, so that she’s alive and can be in your life? Or is it for her benefit? Because she may just prefer treatment that is less likely to be as debilitating and painful, even if it comes with a much higher risk of death. And that is a terrible thing for you to face, when you want her in your life, but it’s also a legitimate choice for her to make.

      She is likely looking at quality of life as it currently stands, quality of life with various treatment options, and then, even if she does get past the cancer, quality of life for the rest of her life, and whether the trade off is worth it. I don’t know a ton about lupus, but my understanding is that while chemo may be a treatment, it’s just that, a treatment, not a cure. So when she stops the chemo, if it was helping the lupus, the lupus-related symptoms that it was helping would come back.

      And not to get overly political, but in a lot of chronic illness groups, given the illegality of assisted suicide in the the United States, there are discussions about if you get something that could be fatal, just letting it do it’s thing, if you are at the point where you do not want to live with your quality of life being what it is.

      1. Lcsa99*

        She’s definitely thinking about quality of life. She’s said so herself. But I’d like to hope that treatment can bring come of that back for her. I am likely just ignorant.

    4. UbiCaritas*

      Your mom is an adult and can make her own choices. But you can tell her how they impact you, how much you love her and want her to be around. It’s very difficult at such a distance – is there any way she could move closer to you?

      1. Lcsa99*

        We’ve discussed it in the past but since she grew up on this coast she has made it clear she looks at that option as a failure. Now that she’s looking at leukemia she might be willing to reconsider, but I worry about what “failure” bouncing around in her brain would do with the depression.

    5. Lucky black cat*

      I would suggest you stop reading online and get some really good support for yourself eg see if any relevant charity / advocacy orgs run support groups or anything like that.

      I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Good suggestion re in-the-tangible-world support groups, but AAM is also a source of community in its own way. I find it a bit abstract (in the sense that we connect only by internet), but also immensely hopeful and comforting from typing out or reading messages of good will and encouragement (because it reassures me that one can find fellow travelers in real time, even if we don’t share the same space).

        There are also occasionally stunningly spot-on suggestions re books or household skills or web sites.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      It’s very hard to watch people you love struggle with chronic or terminal illness. As long as people are not doing anything actively destructive to themselves or others (by which I mean causing harm beyond the effects of the illness….such as being unkind or abusive to others, or to themselves) I think we have to stay engaged and be supportive. It’s a balancing act. It’s not easy.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Not a chronic illness sufferer myself, but I have watched enough people struggle that I have changed my mind on a lot of things.

      You may find it helpful to put yourself in her shoes. I watched my father, mother, husband and inlaws all go through their own struggles. I decided that I do not want anyone telling me which treatment I should have or what pill I should take, etc. They are not the ones who have to deal with the side effects, I am the one who has to deal with the side effects. If living means laying in bed day after day, I am not interested in prolonging a life like that.

      My father had been pretty beat up by life. On top of that his bypass surgery was failing and he probably needed a redo. When he had bypass surgery long ago, it was not like what it is now. It was barbaric. And honestly, I was not impressed with the quality it supposedly added to his life.

      So he had all this life crap raining down on him and his heart starting having issues again. He said, “no more surgeries”.
      With a huge lump in my throat, I said, “Okay, dad, I understand.” Knowing full well, that this mean a shorter life for him. I said to myself, “Sometimes it’s not all about me.” And I cried.

      Loving someone enough to allow them their own choices is very hard. It’s probably the hardest thing we can encounter in life.
      People can reach a point where they don’t want to fight any more. I was not there yet, so I didn’t and still don’t fully understand their decision. But as I age, I do understand that at some point we can feel that we have done enough and we can make peace with it all.

      I was 34 when he died at 72. Looking back on my 30s I had more fight in me, I would have fought to live on. But in thinking about what he saw and went through, I can see where he felt he had a full life and he had done what he could do. I will be 60 next year and my push to fight so hard is not as high as it used to be.

      And here’s a bitter pill I had to swallow. His choices contributed to his early passing BUT most of us do the same. We do things that contribute to our own passing. My turn will come (decades from now, of course!). I will frustrate the heck out of someone because of my own choices. They won’t understand, they might be scared for me and a whole host of other emotions. Hopefully, they love me enough to respect my choices.

      The best you can do is keep her informed, “If you do X then you may have Y problem. If you do A then you may have B problem.” As long as she seems to be making choices with thinking/rationale behind the choices, then you can try to follow her train of thought and think along a similar line. In short, copy or mirror what her thinking is.

    8. Texan In Exile*

      I don’t have the conditions, but I can tell you that I watched my dad go through chemo for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and I would not wish chemo on my worst enemy. (Well. Maybe my worst enemy. But not my second worst.)

      It was horrible. It was brutal. It’s been 22 years since my dad died, 23 years since the chemo, and I still can’t think about it without feeling sick to my stomach with the horror of it.

      One of his doctors had a friend who had survived testicular cancer. The doc asked the friend, “Knowing what you know now – that ten years later, you would be alive, in remission, but knowing what chemo would be like, would you still go through chemo?”

      The friend said no. He would rather have died than have gone through chemo.

      Maybe your mom has seen that kind of chemo? I know chemo has improved a lot, but still.

      I am wishing you and your mom the best. This is an awful situation. I am sending you both AAM hugs and sympathy.

      1. J*

        Related to this comment, I think many people still think of chemo as how it was 20-ish years ago, when in reality, for most cancers and most chemos, doctors have gotten much much better at managing side-effects (as well as many chemo treatments actually being at lower doses than they used to be before as much research was done). I wonder if your mother might be thinking of how chemo was in the ’90s and basing her decision off of that? I have a family friend who had breast cancer in the late ’90s and had an absolutely horrendous experience with chemo, which I think was nearly universal at the time. When she was diagnosed with bone cancer a few years ago, she initially refused treatment because of how horrible her first experience was–she would, as Texan said, rather die than go through that again. However, after talking to people who had had cancer more recently, she decided to have treatment and couldn’t believe how mild the chemo experience was compared to how it used to be. In particular, doctors are SO much better now at managing nausea. She was actually able to carry on a fairly normal life while having chemo, albeit with more resting, but she was still able to enjoy her hobbies, meet with friends, and even work part time. The same was true of my mother when she had breast cancer. When my mother relapsed 3 years after her first bout, she actually found the chemo a mild enough experience that she said that she would be satisfied with her life even if she was going to continue relapsing and having to do chemo again every few years. Of course, everyone has a different experience and certain cancers have harsher treatments than others. No matter what, chemo is likely going to be a difficult experience, but it’s not necessarily going to be a horrible experience.

        All this to say, I wonder if your mother would benefit from talking to people who have had leukemia and recovered from it recently (i.e. within the last five years)? They would be able to give her the most accurate idea of how her treatment will likely affect her and it may really be that she’s imagining something more dire than what is in front of her. Maybe not, but it’s something to maybe probe her about. The other thing I would say is that most oncology offices have some kind of attached social worker or counselor, who are also often willing to talk to families (not about the patient specifically, but about what can be expected from treatment in general). It seems that your mother and you would benefit from seeking out advice from this person, whether or not your mother decides to go through with treatment.

    9. Alice*

      Ooof. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer last year and seriously considered not getting it treated. Statistically that would have been crazy – it was only stage 1, and there was every prospect of successful surgical treatment (meaning, no chemo needed).
      In the end he did have the surgery, but it was very hard to encourage him while also respecting his autonomy.
      I would encourage your mother to access a support group or some other form of counseling, with a religious leader if she’s not comfortable with a therapist.

    10. Squidhead*

      If your mother would be willing, she should see a palliative care practitioner. This is NOT the same as end-of-life/hospice care. They focus on quality of life and symptom management no matter what the treatment plan is. They can also help facilitate important conversations about goals of care and what the end of life might look like. These questions are hard to ask a loved one and the answers are sometimes hard to hear.

      Many cancer treatment teams include this type of practitioner, and they may be willing (if time and distance allow) to sit down with you as well. (My experience is in-hospital, so when a meeting like this takes place at the bedside it’s easy to see who is included. I’m not as sure about out-patient, and obviously the format needs to be something your mother is comfortable with, first and foremost.)

      Thinking of you both.

      1. No Name*

        My father died suddenly of a treatable heart condition a few years ago. He hated hospitals, hated going to doctors and dealt with it by not dealing with it at all. The thing is everyone talks about grief but they don’t talk about the anger and hurt you feel when someone chooses to die rather than stay with you for longer. I am very much like my father and to be honest, I can see myself making similar choices. I think that understanding made it easier for me to move past the bewilderment and accept it. My mother was devastated by his death and also very angry that he hid how bad it was rather than get treatment and be with us for longer. She eventually started therapy, and it has done wonders in helping her deal with her feelings in a healthy manner. She still grieves for my Dad and misses him but she has also mostly reached acceptance. I think therapy could be a very good option on for you. Even if your Mum does choose treatment, you are in for a rough time. You are going to need your own support while supporting your Mum no matter what she chooses. They can probably even help with talking to your mum so that you can tell her you want her try treatment without overriding her decisions or unintentionally emotionally dumping your feelings. All the best and be gentle to yourself too.

  18. MrsKelSci*

    Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate is a historical fiction based on Georgia Tann. (See book in comments). I thought it was very good.

    1. Maddy*

      And also Before and After: The Incredible Real-Life Stories of Orphans Who Survived the Tennessee Children’s Home Society
      by Judy Christie, Lisa Wingate

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      The Criminal podcast did an episode on Georgia Tann not too long ago (episode 110, “The Baby Snatcher”). It was disturbing and heartbreaking, but it left me wanting to know more about what happened. I may check out Alison’s recommendation and yours.

  19. Loopy*

    I would love tips from anyone else who has experienced this particular type of anxiety! So, I’m about to travel on a big, much anticipated trip. Last week I came very close to a fall at the gym that would have likely ruined the trip with a severe sprained ankle (avoided it thankfully!).

    However, now I’m plagued by worries about disaster (using the word loosely) striking before my trip- bad sickness, car accidents, or airport paperwork issues (like I somehow missed a typo on my new passport), hotels having no idea who we are. My dad is coming in to town by plane right before we go and I’m ever scared HE’LL get sick on his flight and get us all sick. I’m generally comfortable with travel but I’m SO excited for this trip (not something we could do again for many years) I just can’t stop wanting to put myself and everyone around me in a bubble. Any ideas for managing this is in the 10 days before we go? I’m especially tired of being a paranoid germaphobe. I’m exhausting myself!

    1. ..Kat..*

      Can you get trip insurance?

      If you do get this insurance, make sure that you read the fine print to know what it covers.

      I hope your trip is wonderful and problem free.

      Have you considered therapy?

      1. Loopy*

        I looked into insurance but I think even if it were covered financially I’d be devastated about not going right now. It’s very hard for me to get this amount of time off work so it wouldn’t be easy to make happen again anytime soon. It’s a delayed honeymoon and it already took almost a year after the wedding to make it happen!

        I am a huge supporter of therapy but this isn’t a usual/on-going problem fortunately. Weirdly- I didn’t have near this level of anxiety before my wedding last year for example! Or any of our small trips/vacations. Also I wouldn’t be able to start before the trip, which is Dec 2! But both are great suggestions!

        1. WellRed*

          I think this is the crux. It’s not a small trip ( it’s first trip to Europe or some such, right)? AND it’s a honeymoon. The stakes feel higher, if you will. The downfall greater if any of the extremely unlikely happens.

    2. BethDH*

      I’ve traveled a fair amount internationally (academic research) and I still get very anxious about the kind of things you mention because there’s usually a reason I can only go at that time. Here are some things that help me:
      -not trying to stop being anxious entirely, but doing what I can and labeling the rest excitement.
      -making a list of what I can do and focusing on that instead of the unknowns or things I can’t control. So: eating well, drinking water, sleeping, etc. for worrying about illness; printing or downloading to my phone transit or lodging confirmation info
      -thinking through a few scenarios and figuring out what I would do. This may not help you if you will just come up with an endless list and things you can’t do anything about, but if it’s just knowing there are pharmacies near your hotel, that can help you realize that you won’t be helpless.

      1. Loopy*

        Thank you! Today I started by digging out the passports and checking out names against the airline ticket names and confirming they wont expire until well beyond 6 months after we return. I’m being super good about vitamins and drinking enough!

        I think right now illness is what I feel most helpless about because it’s blowing up everywhere I look- people dropping at work, a mumps outbreak at the local college. It’s just that season where everyone is talking about being sick or who they know that’s sick!

    3. Amey*

      I couldn’t pass this without commenting because I can so strongly relate. I suffer from some health and general anxiety and it’s really manifested around trips in exactly the same way.

      Last year, we had a big trip booked for the spring – it was our first big vacation since the kids were born. As it approached, there was basically a chicken pox epidemic at their daycare (I’m in a country that doesn’t have routine vaccination for chicken pox.) This lasted a couple of months and they didn’t get it and didn’t get it but I was convinced that they were going to come down with it. As we got near our trip I literally couldn’t think about the trip – I couldn’t plan for it, I couldn’t start packing, I definitely couldn’t allow myself to get excited. It was the worst manifestation of anxiety that I’d had in years. Then five days before we were due to fly, my son came out in spots and it felt like complete validation of my anxiety and I was devastated.

      The thing is, it was fine! My daughter came out with it in what would have been the middle of the vacation and I was so glad we weren’t dealing with it away from home. We did have insurance (please get insurance!) and it was a bit of a nightmare sorting it out but we ended up rebooking the vacation for the height of summer a few months later. We compromised on some things because it was much more expensive at that time of year – but it was fine! We had a wonderful life-changing vacation.

      I’m not sure that I have any words of advice, because I don’t think I deal with this well, but I completely understand and have this problem every time we travel and wanted to give you a bit of solidarity. It will be okay.

      1. Loopy*

        It helps just to know I’m not alone! I feel like everyone must think I’m being ridiculous.

        I think that part of the insurance issue is that it’ll cover the money part but rescheduling is such a nightmare around our jobs. This has already been pushed due to an unexpected forced job change so, I’m feelings pessimistic about the ability to reschedule. That’s also adding to the anxiety of course!

    4. Ron McDon*

      I never used to worry about travelling – although I have anxiety about lots of other things – but ever since we had a hellish connecting flight a few years ago I find myself becoming very anxious about travelling abroad. It didn’t help that we had terrible delays on the next two connecting flight trips we made! Now we’ve resolved to only fly direct which has helped with my anxiety a lot.

      But yes, I do find myself worrying about what ifs that will probably never happen. I just try to redirect my thoughts away and tell myself ‘it’s unlikely to happen, if it does you’ll deal with it, it will be ok’. Sounds easy, but it takes Herculean effort sometimes!

      It probably helps that – aside from huge delays on connecting flights – we’ve never had any illness/accident issues that have impacted our travels.

      If you can just take a deep breath when a thought like this pops into your head, and tell yourself it’s unlikely to happen and it’s just your anxiety brain talking, you might be able to redirect your thoughts so it doesn’t affect you as much.

      Good luck.

      1. Loopy*

        Oh I so relate! I refused layovers in the northern US because of storms. I know it impacts everywhere but I figured I could at least attempt to feel better. I’m from the southern US and our US layover is also in the south. So that’s on thing I tried HARD to minimize from the initial planning. I also was adamant about length of layover time. Why they had so many flights offering such short layovers, I don’t know but man did I put my foot down HARD on that.

        A coworker of my husband’s went recently and missed an ENTIRE DAY of her vacation due to flight issues. So I am hoping the layover I chose was strategic enough to get us off the ground on the same day at least!

        1. All Hail Queen Sally*

          The layovers! I am too old and out of shape to run from one end of the airport to the other, and that is how my flights always are. I insist on a decent layover so I can make it to my connecting flight without worrying about having a heart attack.

          1. Loopy*

            Yes, and I like a small cushion so if my flight is running 15-30 minutes behind I’m not sitting there panicking about making the connection. So, so many times I’ve literally sat at the gate and thought, thanks goodness my layover is X minutes long!

        2. Tris Prior*

          Yep, I paid extra to grab a seat on one of the few nonstop flights to our destination – because it will be February and there will be snow and just no thank you. Why make the stress worse!

          I have the rescheduling issue too; it is near impossible for my partner to get vacation time approved because his boss is an ass. I about fell out of my chair when I got the text from him saying that he’d gotten this time approved. The likelihood of that ever happening again….. yeah. Plus, he’s job hunting, so new job would make it even harder to get time off together!

        3. Sleepless*

          I can relate! I live in a major airline hub city so I can almost always find nonstops, and I’m willing to pay for them. Layovers can be the most stressful part of the trip.

          I injured my knee a few weeks before a trip where we were planning lots of hiking, and I had a complete freak-out. I was surprised at just how upset I was! Fortunately it healed up just fine and I had no problems on the trip, but I didn’t realize until then how afraid I am of something happening to mess up a trip.

    5. Relly*

      I don’t know if this helps at all, but I’ve never gone on a vacation that I didn’t want to cancel the night before in a blind panic. I’m not scared even of anything specific like a plane crash, just that somehow everything will be ruined and it will be all my fault. Anxiety sucks.

      1. Loopy*

        It does! And it does help to know I’m not alone because I don’t think anyone in my immediate life relates. And yes, the stress of it being my fault is real since I booked the flights AND hotels. But I think if I can get to the night before without anything major happening I will feel better!

    6. Anonymous*

      My mom slipped down the stairs fifteen minutes before the airport shuttle arrived to pick them up. Ultimate destination? Alaska, for a cruise.

      Dear reader, she went. Wheelchair in the airports, seat by the door to let her keep her foot up, and finally a trip to the ER in Juno to diagnose a broken foot. The cruise ship adjusted her room assignment for her wheelchair use. She didn’t get to see the whales, because that was a separate excursion and they never verified that it was wheelchair accessible.

      But on the whole, she had a great time. She did have trip insurance which covered the medical expenses on the way.

      You’ll be fine!

      1. Life is good*

        I tore my rotator cuff two weeks before going to Peru over Spring break with my husband this year. Hurt like hell, but people are so very nice when you ask for assistance. When my husband couldn’t be nearby to help lift my carryon into the bin, young people were more than willing to help. Honestly, I do not even remember hurting during this vacation to Machu Picchu. It was such an awe-inspiring experience, that the injury took a back seat. You will have a great time in Europe! As another said, just be healthy and give yourself some time to relax. Enjoy the journey, too. Even though we fly economy and it isn’t luxurious by any stretch of the imagination, I always marvel at the fact we can be on another continent in a matter of hours. How exciting for you! Have a great time!

    7. The Meow*

      Catastrophizing is a common symptom of anxiety and also very, very treatable. You are definitely not alone.

      My husband did this when he travelled alone for work. He was OK if we went on holidays together but was terrified of every possible bad scenario when travelling solo. He panicked for days about losing all his money, not having enough money, missing his flight, running out of credit on his phone and not being able to recharge, losing his passport, etc.

      I have so much I want to write on this as I have multiple family members with intense anxiety and I can so relate to what you’re going through. All I will say now is that a competent, experienced psychologist can and will help tremendously. My husband after several visits has improved so much. He still gets a tad nervous before solo travel but doesn’t stay awake at night panicking for days before his departure as he used to.

    8. Tris Prior*

      I don’t have any tips, but you’re not alone! We are planning a bucket-list trip in February. I am freaking out already that – in no particular order: we will not be able to get there because of a blizzard, we will not be able to get home because of a blizzard thus being away from our cats even longer, something will happen to one or both cats so we can’t go, one of us will get the flu so we can’t go, one of us will get diagnosed with something fatal so we can’t go….. the list goes on. I do have anxiety and I talk about this in therapy, but I’m not sure it is helping. I got insurance, but that won’t help with the feelings of devastation I’ll have if we can’t go.

      I don’t usually freak out this much about travel. I think the fact that this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I’ve been wanting to do but putting off for at least 20 years is making it feel really high stakes for me. Especially since now my partner and I are at ages where shit starts going wrong physically, and I want to make sure we get this in before we’re too sick or disabled to go!

      Sorry I only have commiseration to offer. It’s probably smart to at least take steps to stay healthy – make sure you’re getting enough sleep, wash your hands, eat well, drink water, lay off the booze. I try and ingest as much vitamin C as I can stand before I have a trip or event that it would suck to be sick at – probably just a placebo effect, if anything, but can’t hurt.

    9. Fiona*

      What helps me is taking my anxiety down the path of worst possible scenario. What would happen if everyone got sick or there was some other thing that got in the way? Imagine a situation where unfortunately you couldn’t take the trip. That would be so disappointing and sucky but it sounds like that’s the absolute worst possible scenario and if you can make peace with it being a possibility, sometimes it calms the nerves. (I get most anxious when it’s just an amorphous “bad” thing)

  20. Anon woman with breast cancer*

    Hi all – I am so thankful for this online weekend community. :) 2nd chemo (5-FEC is drug cocktail) is done, one more of these to go. Then on to Taxol. This round is a bit tougher with some nausea, but not horrid, and will improve in a few days. I was able to shave my head, too, this week – my hair was falling out in clumps finally (too late for a great Halloween zombie costume, alas – would have been perfect), so had a friend shave it off. It is cold and weird but nicer. And I got my port implanted! This will be great moving forward into more frequent (weekly) treatments in January – best thing was got to do it under local anaesthesia, not general.

    Sending out good vibes to everyone! Have a good weekend and I hope if anyone is planning thanksgiving that is goes well for you!

    1. UbiCaritas*

      Sending you good thoughts and hugs. Please keep us informed! I have some scarves, if you’d like – I don’t know how to give you my contact info.

      1. Anonymous*

        Thank you, that is very kind. I have like 30 scarves and a bunch of hats tho – so save yours for a friend closer maybe? :)

    2. fposte*

      It sounds like things are progressing and you’re making your way through it, and the port should make things a lot easier. Glad you found local anesthesia easier–it’s amazing how something like that can improve quality of life. Good luck to you with the next phases!

    4. Kuododi*

      Best regards during your treatment process.!!! I’m going to be done with treatment on Wednesday. It’s not been a nightmare. Nausea, vomiting, fatigue and some mild hair loss but nothing particularly ghastly. Sounds like things have been working out for you as well. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Grace and peace to you. Kuododi

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Sending you warm thoughts as well. Zofran (Or the generic…) helped here for the nausea. YMMV. ♡

        1. Kuododi*

          Oh I love me some Zofran!!!! I have a standing order. Unfortunately, the insurance is being a bunch of poopy butt heads about covering the cost. We routinely have to do prior authorization and it’s still anyone’s guess if it will be covered. Grrrrr!!!

          1. Ann Onny Muss*

            I am flipping your insurance company the bird. Sorry they insist on making things more difficult than they already are.

            1. Kuododi*

              Appreciate the bird flipping!!! Apparently the insurance opinion is that since Zofran was originally developed for chemo nausea and pregnant women with hyperemesis gravidarum, they refuse to pay for the medication for me. (Keep in mind that I am unable to tolerate other anti nausea meds. My family doc thoroughly documented all my medication allergies however it was spitting in the wind for the insurance. I simply go self pay over at Costco pharmacy. I refuse to keep beating my head against the wall. Best regards.

      2. StellaBella*

        Ah Kuododi, sorry you had such side effects but I am thrilled your treatment will be done on Wednesday. You are in my thoughts as well. Will send you a huge ray of sunshine on Wednesday!!! xo

      3. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        That is very kind, Kuododi, thanks so much. I hope your last treatment Wednesday is the last in this speed bump of a health issue and that you recover 100% and look back on this as just a minor issue. And am glad you can say that the minor side effects are not too ghastly and it has not been a nightmare. Sending you good thoughts and light and grace, too for Wednesday and beyond!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Major compliments to you on keeping your sense of humor, I just about choked reading your zombie quip. Sending luck!

      1. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        Thanks. Have to have some sort of sense of humour, I am just trying to get thru this. 2/3 of way thru this chemo round, then 9 infusions of Taxol. Gotta find some humour or will be lost in the dark winter days. :) By the end of Taxol, it will be getting lighter and after my surgery I can enjoy the spring I hope.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending my warmest thoughts. Hope you find a good way to keep the heat in(the head loses a lot of your body heat, just saying.). Bundle up and know you have support here (was spouses caretaker through many infusions). Gentle Hug.

      1. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        Thanks – I sleep with a soft cap and that helps and wear a cap/hat most of the day and thankfully live in an apartment that is warm. Thanks for the gentle hug too. All the best and thanks for caring for your spouse, too. I thank my friends and family here and abroad that are a huge help, as the cat is a bit too aloof on stuff like encouraging me to eat etc. :)

  21. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    A couple weeks ago I mentioned a November goal to crochet hexagons and write and submit 2 25-page papers before Thanksgiving. All the hexagons are crocheted (November 15), the first paper is in (18) and passed (21) with no need for revision, and I submitted the second (22) last night, leaving me with an unexpected free weekend!

    So today’s plan is to make pie (pumpkin), pie (pecan), more pie (key lime), homemade butter (plain, garlic-herb and honey-cinnamon, maybe spiced rum too?), shabby chic ass rolls, and possibly some cookies. I’ve had minced ginger “marinating” in a Tupperware of sugar for a couple of days as an experiment and I think I am going to use it to make lemon cookies and pumpkin cookies.

    I love with my kitchen. :)

    1. A Non E-Mouse*

      Yum yum yum. That sounds like an awesome day! I am tempted to do homemade butters too, but a lot of the group t

      1. A Non E-Mouse*

        Stupid phone. Sorry. A lot of the group for our thanksgiving is on diets or vegan due to allergies so it would be lost. But I am making chocolate red wine cupcakes and chai tea cupcakes for a work potluck so I am not too sad.

        This time of year is a lot of work but tons of fun.

    2. Not A Manager*

      What will you do with all those pies? Can you freeze a baked custard pie like pumpkin or key lime? Or are you celebrating early?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My husband and housemate will each eat a pumpkin pie solo in about two days, it’s the household favorite – one works in a warehouse and the other has a high metabolism :) the pecan pies are going to housemate’s mom for her thanksgiving dinner, as is most of the flavored butter (though that can be frozen), and we’ll all eat the key lime over the next few days. (I eat it for breakfast. It’s like yogurt, right? Health food? :) ) Basically everybody just eats too much pie at my house thanksgiving week because pie is my favorite thing to bake :)

        I don’t know if I’m actually going to make the biscuits today, but the cookies, I make the dough and ball it up and freeze it, then I do all my Christmas baking (from dough that I pre-made) closer to Christmas time. Makes it easier to do cookie boxes of varying sizes for different size families of friends :) I have 5 types in my freezer already that I’ve done in the last 6 weeks or so.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It’s a joke from yesterday off the “cheap ass rolls” letter, and the recipe is linked above :) basically drop biscuits look rustic, which qualifies as shabby chic? Heh :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        It’s so easy, if you have a good mixer! Just make whipped cream and then keep going – it’ll eventually break into butter, then you pour off the buttermilk, rinse it under cold water and squeeze it out! I get about 12 ounces of butter and 14-16 ounces of sweet (not soured) buttermilk, roughly, out of a quart of whipping cream. Takes about ten minutes on highest setting in my stand mixer to get there.

    5. Alexandra Lynch*

      You also now have ginger sugar. That would be nice on molasses cookies or gingersnaps. (I would use it on my soft gingersnaps, personally)

    6. food*

      I feel the answer should be obvious but I don’t know, how or where do you keep the pies until Thursday? that seems like a long time.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        In the fridge? But I’m also not holding them til Thursday, we started eating them yesterday.

  22. Larka111*

    I would love advice from those who have tried medication after being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. How did you know if it was effective? How long did it take to work? I’ve been on one on a few different doses prescribed by my doctor and honestly I feel like I might as well not be taking anything. Any advice or anecdotes would be welcome.

    1. Anonymous for this one*

      When I was first diagnosed, I frequently struggled with my college course reading, finding it very difficult to focus and comprehend the information. So, to test a new medication (here I am talking about the quick-acting stimulant types like Adderall, Ritalin, etc.), I would take the medication and after about an hour, pick up a book I had been struggling to successfully read and take notes on. The first time I did this with a new medication and simply sat at my desk, read and took notes for a couple of hours without inadvertently reading the same sentence over and over again, and afterward remembered what I had just read – I knew the medication was working. So my advice is to ask your doctor how long after a dose the medication should kick in, and at that time, do a task you normally struggle with or hope the medication will help with to observe any change.

      As a heads up, something I did not expect is that this can be a pretty emotional and even upsetting experience. The first time this happened I cried from the relief, and then felt angry that THIS was how easily my peers that I was being graded against could understand the written word?! I have since heard of lots of similar experiences from friends with ADHD, and for me the intensity of these emotions has faded over time.

    2. Alexandra Lynch*

      I knew fifteen minutes after I took it because my head went silent. It was amazing. I could think one thought straight through. But I was on Adderall.

    3. noahwynn*

      I’ve used Adderall since I was in jr high, so didn’t start taking it as an adult.

      However, there is a huge difference with and without. Honestly, I prefer my brain without, but I can totally see how much more I accomplish at work and home when I’m able to focus with the assistance of the medication.

      It also helps me stop procrastinating. That horrible procrastination that turns into an insurmountable obstacle. Things that should be easy are put off and then build up into a mountain. With the medication I can avoid that.

    4. LilySparrow*

      I feel the medication kick in within a half-hour or so of taking it. The difference is dramatic.

      The first day I took it, we were taking the kids to a large outdoor festival event related to their school. Normally I hate things like that – I get extremely overstimulated and can’t find/track the signs I need to get where I need to go, or I can’t see my husband or kids in the crowd and get freaked out.

      With the meds, I actually had a nice time – it was loud and crowded, but not overwhelming or confusing.

      On ordinary days, I can see a big difference, too – I don’t lose track of time as much, and it’s much easier to get started on tasks instead of procrastinating. I can work productively all day and do detail work with much better accuracy. It’s also easier for me to switch from one task to another without losing my place, which makes me far less irritable about interruptuons.

      I have combined subtype and am on Adderall. It’s very noticeable to me and to my family when it kicks in and when it wears off. (Unless I am also very sleep-deprived. If I didn’t get enough sleep, the meds keep me barely functioning, no real benefit over an unmedicated day.)

      I know everyone responds differently to meds. I’ve met some folks, including one of my doctors, who didn’t get any benefit from medication and relied on structural/behavioral supports instead.

    5. Arts Akimbo*

      Depressingly, I gave up on Adderall because it just didn’t seem to be doing anything but waking me up a bit. When I first got on it, it seemed to be improving my focus, but once the shine wore off, meh. Plus I would always get really tired after it wore off, which at first improved my sleep, but again, as the year wore on, this benefit seemed to fade as well.

      To be fair, my doc wanted to put me on Vyvanse, which is a newer, sexier adult ADHD drug, but it was way too expensive out of pocket. Adderall is generic, and super cheapo.

      I really wanted it to work. I really really did. If my placebo effects when I was first taking it would just last forever, I would be so happy.

      Good luck, and I hope you find one that works for you.

    6. LadyGrey*

      I didn’t notice straight away- but after a while I thought about it and realised I was having a constant streak of good days, I had one or two bad days over a month and the rest were good brain days. It was subtle- but that was low dose meds.

  23. Foreign Octopus*

    Last week I had to take my cat to the vet to have all her teeth removed (she’s doing great, btw; all of you who commented with your own experiences were so helpful, and thank you!); well, this week I had to go to the dentist. I was happily chewing on a toffee on Monday night when part of my molar broke off with it. I panicked. I thought I was about to lose all my teeth and that fixing it was going to bankrupt me; so, I went to the dentist on Wednesday and I was in and out in thirty minutes and only €60 lighter.

    I have been super impressed with how quick and efficient the medical side of Spain is. With both me and my cat, we’ve never had to wait for anything and it’s always cheaper than expected. I left the dentist feeling quite happy with myself.

  24. Christmas*

    I got a shock the other day. A friend of mine was showing me the new Facebook Dating feature, because someone she knows was on there, and my ex-boyfriend’s face popped up. I was aghast because, when he ended our otherwise-blissful relationship 5 months ago, he said that he “realized he wasn’t able to have a relationship” due to being a divorcée, that although I was his “perfect woman” he insisted he “will never date again,” adding “All I need in my life is my children.” If that’s what he wanted, okay. I packed up my things and left.

    But now he’s clearly dating again. I guess the problem wasn’t about him; it was me.

    For the past few months, I admit I’ve fanned an ember of hope that he’d eventually overcome his commitment fears and reunite with me. Evidently not. He wants to be with anyone but me, and is actively searching. When I saw his profile, including a flirty and detailed blurb, my blood ran cold. I couldn’t breathe.

    I loved this man, and thought he cared for me until the moment he shocked me by ending it. Now he’s managed to shock me again. I’m angry at him and myself. If he wants so bad to be with somebody NOW, why not be with the one he called his “perfect woman”?? Clearly he lied to me, right?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I am so sorry. It’s possible that he is on the site just for fun flirty dates or just sex and not for a full blown relationship but it’s also possible that he was trying to be nice when he broke up with you. But regardless of his reasons, you deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you. Who thinks of excuses to spend more time with you, rather than excuses to end it. He just wasn’t who you thought he was.

      I am sorry you had to see that.

    2. UbiCaritas*

      I’m so sorry. From where I sit, you dodged a bullet. I’ve been where you are, and it hurts. But he’s not the one for you and you deserve better. You WILL find someone right for you.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I think I remember your earlier post on this. I agree; you dodged a bullet. He sounded like he had a lot of issues and wasn’t making a lot of sense. Sorry you’re going through this.

    3. Lucky black cat*

      If YOU want to be with somebody, why not be with somebody who values you and feels lucky to have you?

      Don’t waste yourself on someone who doesn’t.

    4. WellRed*

      He does not want to “be with anyone but you,” he probably just doesn’t want to be with anyone specific at all.

    5. fposte*

      Oh, I’m sorry. But no, I don’t think he lied. I think that was the truth as he understood it at the time.

      I think it’s normal when somebody gives a reason for a breakup to mull over ways to overcome the objection and make things work again. But as with hiring, the reason given is much less important than the fact that they’ve decided they don’t want to be with you. Painful as it is, that’s the part that needs to be accepted.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. It was the truth at the time he said it. Since then he has had further thoughts.

        I will say, I had a male friend who used dating to have a social life. He wasn’t particularly interested in long term. It could be that there is an answer here that is a mix of what he said and what he is actually doing.

        For me, as much as this hurts, I think that if I took back a person like this, I would worry about him leaving again. A friend had a husband who just wandered off as in “I’m not coming home.” It involved police, ministers, psychologists etc before it was over. She stayed with the guy but for the remainder of her 50 something year marriage she wondered, “Will he do this again?”. That is one heck of a way to live.

    6. Anon time*

      He sounds cowardly. For whatever reason, he didn’t want to date you. But the problem isn’t you- it’s him. I’m so sorry you had to experience that.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This–he should have been more forthright. You can’t really tell someone you don’t see a future with them without hurting them. But people are afraid to do that, so they make excuses.

        Christmas, this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It only means he’s the wrong one for you.

    7. Parenthetically*

      Oh lord this guy again! I vividly remember you describing this scenario, so please just come on over and sit on my couch. I’m very good at commiserating. I’ll pour the wine and crank up the Alanis.

      Sorry he was such a drama queen, and sorry you’ve been hurt again by his emotional cluelessness.. It sucks and I’m sending you strength to power through it

    8. MatKnifeNinja*

      Bullet dodge.

      He might have written those things about you to save face. He could have been honest at the time, and decided he wants sex now or a dinner companion, an you aren’t that somebody. People have the right to change their minds.

      Still bullet dodge. You don’t need flakey in your life. I wouldn’t chase after him.

    9. LibbyG*

      Ugh! What a gut punch!

      I imagine him 6 months ago thinking, “Christmas is great, but I’m feeling like I want to end this relationship. If I don’t want to be in a relationship with Chris, then it must be that I don’t want to be in a relationship at all!”

      And then four or five months later he finds himself interested in dating and decides to give it a try.

      But please don’t fan that ember into a flame. If he wanted to try again with you, he would have gotten in touch. What you had was real and great, but it’s in the past.

    10. Sam Foster*

      Nope nope nope, this is NOT about you. This is still about him and his being a liar. It absolutely sucks that he put on a performance when he ended it with you but that says more about him than about you.

    11. The Meow*

      He just wasn’t that into you, and that’s okay.

      Even if you tick everything he wanted in a partner he didn’t have enough feelings (connection, chemistry, whatever) towards you that made him want to be with you. That doesn’t make him or you a bad person.

      It’s fine to be angry. We’ve all experienced rejection and it sucks. But if he doesn’t care for you the way you cared for him he did you a favour by ending it.

  25. Scared Anony Health*

    Hubs has T1 diabetes and celiac (diagnosed age 9 and 7–his doctors thought long undiagnosed celiac contributed to T1), and hypopituitarism (lack of growth hormone, so he took growth hormone to grow as a teen). His family definitely has celiac but not T1 or hypopituitarism. My family has eczema.

    We wanted to try for kids late next year but we’re worried about passing the T1. Dads with T1 have a 10% chance of passing it down. We saw a genetic counselor who took our family tree then said she’d discuss with a doctor after we left (eg. Does rotavirus vaccine really reduce incidence of T1 by 33%?) but frustratingly all we got was “it’s all chance.”

    Then I had a meltdown because I was terrified and wasn’t thinking of what our kids would look like—just how sick they’d be (I had eczema 13 years and it went improperly treated). I worried we’re putting our future kids through misery, saddling them with medical costs, test strips, eczema cream, hormones.

    The counselor did give us genetic testing options (kind of pricey). Hubs will do it in March. He says if there’s anything terrible he has 50%+ chance of passing down, he’d consider adoption. Also, using a sperm donor is possibly on the table (though I just finished reading a scary 2012 NY Times article on how a child got cystic fibrosis from a sperm donor even though the donor tested negative for the gene…..And a coworker’s daughter through sperm donation had to get physical therapy because one leg was longer than the other.

    1. What would you do?
    2. Anybody have a T1 dad? Or hubs? Were the kids T1?
    3. Is sperm donation ok? Is it exchanging known risks (T1) for unknown scarier risks (cystic fibrosis)?

    1. Anon for discussion of medical issues*

      Hi! I am a sick person. Being sick is not the end of the world. I have celiac disease and a rare chronic cancer, both of which run in my family, and both of which I’ve had since childhood. I also parent a kid with celiac disease. We live in a world where prenatal eugenics programs are not only normal but increasingly being seen as an essential health service, so our idea of whether or not it’s acceptable to have a sick child or be a sick person is increasingly coloured by cultural beliefs about normalcy rather than by listening to the lived experiences of people who are sick or different. Even if you do everything “right” to ensure that your child has no genetic predispositions, you don’t guarantee a healthy child. Stuff happens. Diabetes and celiac disease are inconvenient and often unpleasant, but we’re not talking about fatal conditions, here – there are diseases with widely available, effective treatments. If you’re worried that your family can’t afford the medical cost associated with a diabetic child, you should certainly reevaluate your choice to become parents, but the idea that a kid with an illness necessarily lives in “misery” is pretty wild. No matter what you do, your kid is going to get sick and hurt. Maybe mildly, maybe severely. There’s no way to know. You can listen to them and advocate for them and support them and love them, and you can try to make their life as happy and healthy as possible, but that’s all you can do. You can’t prevent illness from ever touching them, and the idea that you should is, in my opinion, one of our weirdest cultural fabrications.

    2. Fikly*

      I have type 1 and Celiac. Is it LADA or the more traditional type 1?

      Keep in mind that with all these autoimmune disorders (and both Celiac and type 1 diabetes are autoimmune) having the gene does not mean you develop it. There’s another factor involved that has to trigger it, and, well, we don’t know what that is yet.

      For example, my grandmother had an identical twin. Her twin had type 1 diabetes, my grandmother (now 94) has never had any type of diabetes. Same genes.

      Similarly, everyone with Celiac has the gene mutation for Celiac, but the majority are not Celiac from birth. Something happens to trigger it, and many people with the genes never develop it during their lifespan. So just testing positive for the gene doesn’t give you odds.

      Finally, as to sperm donation. My first thought is to ask what lab tested that sperm sample, because not all labs test to the same standards, and thus some are more accurate than others. Making sure you get the most accurate testing possible is the best way to know what you’re getting into. And for CF specifically, it’s recessive, so the other biological parent would have had to pass down a copy of the gene too, so there was a major screw up going on in that case.

    3. WhoAmI?*

      No history of T1 in my family. I developed it at age 29. Inconvenient and inexpensive? Yes, but I am not “sick” or feeble or not living my life. I’m not even using test strips thanks to advances in technology. (Also, that’s some…interesting … information you’ve gotten about T1, maybe stop researching it). There’s no guarantees of what we end up with.

    4. BRR*

      I’m T1 and my parents don’t. I’d worry less about “Causing” medicinal conditions for you future children. It’s not ideal (to have a few medical things), but there’s a lot of possible conditions and you can’t avoid them by adoption or sperm donation. It sounds like you would be extremely conscientious about monitoring your kids health and getting treatment if they need it and that’s what matters.

    6. Stephanie*

      Even if you didn’t have any of these kinds of genetic health concerns, there is no guarantee that your children will not have challenges. Things like autism, anxiety, allergies, learning disabilities. Or, just regular, everyday stuff, like social struggles and emotional sensitivity.
      There are always unknown risks with having kids. That’s part of the deal. But another part of it is that you love your kid, no matter what, and you adjust according to their needs.
      10% chance of passing down T1 diabetes seems like pretty good odds, to me.
      And for what it’s worth, I would definitely choose adoption over sperm donor.

    7. fposte*

      Is some of this possibly just a focal point for anxiety about having children, period? There is no eugenic family without any health problems. We’re at a weird place ethically with genetic information, in that it really influences people to think eugenically (despite the impossibility of the plan) while at the same time we abhor that approach. I would guess pretty much any kid born these days is going to undergo medical treatment or therapy for something; while I realize your eczema is probably severe, I think most people with eczema don’t wish they’d never been born because of it.

      I think it’s always valid to choose not to have children, and maybe that’s where you’ll land. It’s also worth considering exploring those feelings of guilt and culpability (do you think your parents have them about you? Is that something you could talk to them about?), maybe with a professional, to see if you can get some perspective on them. I’ll also say as an adoptee that 1) you absolutely still can eff up your adopted kid and 2) even if you don’t feel genetic guilt, you can suffer plenty about your responsibility for their welfare if you’re inclined toward that. So that’s another reason maybe to dig into this a little before proceeding in any fashion.

      I hope you find a direction that brings you both contentment.

      1. Agnodike*

        I would actually push back against the idea that we abhor eugenics, because in fact we’ve built comprehensive medical and social systems to support eugenic practices. I think what we mainly abhor is that idea that we’re like Nazis, the most famous eugenicists of the 20th century, so we pretend that we find the science of eugenics equally abhorrent. But our cultural fascination with genetic testing – from medical testing to recreational DNA exploration – really speaks to an essentialist understanding of genetics (your genes reflect essentially who you are and your place in the world) as well as an assumption of genetic perfectibility (genetic conditions should be detected and “treated”, i.e. eliminated, prenatally).

        As someone who provides prenatal care, engagement with (in my case state-sponsored, since I practice in Canada) eugenics programs like prenatal screening and testing is something I talk about a lot with patients and colleagues. It’s really pervasive, but we’re all pretending like it’s something from the distant past primarily practiced by bad people, not something we’re actively engaged with in our current (ableist!) society. There are absolutely cases in which the medical establishment uses genetic information to help individuals make the most informed decisions about their health and offer them options for treatments that improve their quality of life. No doubt! But when we’re talking about, for example, screening for Trisomy 21, what we’re really doing is trying to change the genetic makeup of our overall population in a way to make it more in line with an “ideal person” – and what we define as “ideal” certainly looks a lot more like what eugenics was aiming for in the 1930s than it does the inclusive present and future to which our culture pays lip service.

        I think parenting and medical choices are extremely personal and have to be made in a way that reflects each individual family’s values, needs, and resources, and I’m certainly not in a position to tell people how to do that in their individual lives. But we’re kidding ourselves if we don’t think we’re living in a society that values the principles of eugenics as a net positive and devalues the lives of people with physical or intellectual differences.

        1. fposte*

          That’s an interesting take, thanks. I think you make a good point that we consider it eugenics if it’s making a pure Aryan race but parental choice if we choose to terminate a pregnancy.

          1. Agnodike*

            Or choose not to get pregnant at all because of a risk of transmitting genetic conditions, as in the question above! The gap between forced sterilization for eugenic purposes (as the Nazis did) and choosing not to reproduce for eugenic purposes (more common today) is very, very, wide, but both practices are rooted in the same principle: that people with “defective” genetics should not reproduce.

            1. fposte*

              I think there’s more to it than that, though; parental decisions about something like trisomy 21 can be about personal capacity as well as societal opinion. I don’t think that means the latter is irrelevant–look at Denmark, where there’s a lot more support and a lot less medical cost than the U.S. and which is famously trying to eradicate Down syndrome. But I also think that a single low-income parent in the U.S. might have solid reasons belong ableism to choose not to deliver a baby whose medical costs are going to be beyond her imaginable capacity (I’m thinking of hypoplastic left heart syndrome as an example for no particular reason). Obviously the Canadian approach will be different there, and it’s also not necessarily an improvement to say “It’s not eugenics, it’s that you can’t economically have this child and provide the necessary medical costs.”

              1. Scared Anony Health*

                Thanks for this comment especially re: medical costs. I’m worried that should anything happen to either of us, God forbid, what if our future kids can’t afford medical care on their own? We don’t have much family nearby (and the ones we do are not responsible adults or almost-elderly with autoimmune conditions of their own and no job/borderline about to lose their home).

                1. fposte*

                  That question is not going to change with adoption, though. Can you think about why adoption feels like a solution if your kids would still be facing the same problem?

                2. Agnodike*

                  What if you have a perfectly healthy child and then you and your spouse die in a car accident that leaves your child paralyzed and in need of full-time care? What if you have a perfectly healthy baby who is diagnosed in childhood with a serious chronic illness that neither of you has? What if your baby is born with a congenital anomaly that’s not genetically transmitted, like spina bifida?

                  I’m not saying you’re wrong to think about the potential risks and costs here – of course you should, it’s part of contemplating parenthood. I’m just saying that these risks are not risks that can be eliminated if you are the parent of another human being. Something terrible could always happen to your kid, and fundamentally, you can try to make a bunch of contingency plans and do your best to make sure your child is taken care of, but that’s all you can do. Or you can choose not to be a parent.

                3. Not So NewReader*

                  Agreeing with fposte. Every being comes with something that needs extra care.
                  It’s not just about money. Sometimes that extra care just involves huge blocks of time.

                  Do you guys have the bandwidth to take on more? Can you picture your lives busier than your lives are right now?
                  Not the same thing but just food for thought. I am helping my older neighbor who was recently widowed. There are days where I say to myself, I am glad I do not have TWO elderly neighbors who need help. I don’t think I would be able to give two the time and attention they deserve.
                  This is something that is of no cost to me monetarily. I spend time. I spend emotions because this is a dear person to me. And I spend energy, like when her basement is 3 feet deep in water at 9 pm at night.
                  I could not do this for two people. But to just check with my one neighbor is no hardship for me at all. And I totally enjoy her company.
                  Think about what your lives look like now and how much more you can add.

                4. Scared Anony Health*

                  I think I’m worried because the other adults in my life have chronic conditions and don’t take care of themselves. One adult: more or less alcoholic, semi-employed, has celiac but binge-drinks beer and eats wheat despite it ravaging his body. Another adult: doesn’t believe allergies exist and has accidentally gotten another family member sick that way. I feel like nobody in my family will care about the health needs of future kids the way spouse and I will, and it’s the kids who will suffer

                5. fposte*

                  @Scared–okay, that sounds like a bit of a different anxiety, though, that’s more about having the support of extended family in child-rearing. And it doesn’t make any difference whether the kid has your genetics or not–you’re right that your relatives won’t care about the kid’s health the way you do, because that’s a parent obligation. This happens to all kinds of parents whether they have heritable conditions or not, and they draw boundaries, rely on friends, and live their lives.

                6. Ra94*

                  I do think you’re catastrophizing here a little. You’re imagining that your child is born with health issues AND you due AND your partner dies AND their new guardian/the state can’t pay for their medical treatment? A million things could go wrong, including both parents passing away, but medical concerns seem like a very specific focus. (Surely losing both parents would be a horrible tragedy for any kid, regardless of health?) Be responsible, look into life insurance etc and be prepared for contingencies, but this doesn’t seem like a rational reason not to have kids.

              2. Agnodike*

                Absolutely; we make all our decisions at the nexus of a complex array of factors ranging from big-picture cultural beliefs to individual family resources and values. That’s why I say above “I think parenting and medical choices are extremely personal and have to be made in a way that reflects each individual family’s values, needs, and resources, and I’m certainly not in a position to tell people how to do that in their individual lives.” I do think it’s worth examining why the options available to people don’t really extend beyond “pay all costs for this child” or “this child doesn’t exist,” but that’s a different discussion.

                Incidentally, many Canadian families are really struggling with a lack of resources for children with differences, since despite “universal healthcare,” many “add-on services” like OT/PT and other supports for kids with special needs are unfunded, since, you know, we don’t value people with differences in our society. So that’s a different facet of the eugenic argument – there’s a kind of generalized social view that if you choose to have the “wrong” kind of child, you should pay for that, rather than society (in the same way that there’s resistance to funding healthcare for people who have diseases like lung cancer that are perceived to be self-inflicted). Rather than taking the position that we value all kinds of people and believe it’s important to give every family what they need to live well, we provide care and resources proportionately to those we value over those we don’t.

                The economic argument for eugenics on a collective scale has always been part of the discussion, as well – people with differences are perceived to be a burden on the state, which has always been an argument for eliminating them. In the United States, bringing broader economic issues down to the family level and expecting individuals to shoulder the cost personally is de rigeur, so I understand that the situation and the decision look very different for the families who are personally affected. But what we’ve been talking about is whether our culture values or abhors eugenic principles, and the fact that Americans have made the choice to shift the cost for collective cultural values to individual families doesn’t, I think, change the content of the cultural message that’s out there.

                1. Scared Anony Health*

                  To add onto my earlier comment: I feel like nobody in my family will care about the health needs of future kids the way spouse and I will, and it’s the kids who will suffer. If I adopt, sure, they’ll be alone with them. But if they have complex health needs they could die at the hands of family/nearby folks if they’re not as vigilant as us—and that terrifies me the most.

            2. Ann O.*

              You are being super judgy here. Prenatal screening is not about advocating that people with “defective” genetics should not reproduce. It’s about the parents and what capacities they think that they have. There is a huge difference between people being prevented from making a choice that they want to make and people being supported in making a choice that they want to make.

    8. Anonforthisreply*

      My maternal grandmother had diabetes, but I think it was T2 and she also had a stroke in her 80s. My father’s family had lots of heart attacks, and I have asthma and eczema which has flared up on and off over the years. My spouse suffers from depression, and both of his parents had strokes before they died. I also have a very rare circulatory condition so decided not to get pregnant after consulting with specialists. We adopted and our child is physically pretty healthy but has some issues with mental health. Would I have gone through pregnancy if I could have, given the medical histories on both sides? Probably yes. But we are still glad we decided to have a child, and I know that there’s no guarantee that things won’t happen later on that could affect your future children’s health, no matter how they become a part of your family.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      1. I’d have kids if I wanted kids. I wouldn’t if I didn’t. (Please figure out if you really want kids. Your high anxiety might be hiding some other concerns.)
      2. No, but we have congenital blindness in our family.
      3. Sperm donation is unregulated and is a bigger unknown than using Hub’s.
      Please consider seeing a different therapist to map out your anxieties. I don’t think you can do it satisfactorily here. You have anxiety like a lot of future/current parents. Let’s be real: having children is scary. Anything can happen.
      Whatever you decide, I’m hoping for the very best for you and Hubs.

    10. Not A Manager*

      Everyone wants their children’s live to be perfect. Everyone wants to be able to control the uncontrollable. As you point out, none of your options is risk-free, and none of them guarantee a perfect life for your child.

      I strongly disagree with people who are shaming you for even caring, in advance, about your future child’s health. But I also think you are setting unreasonable expectations for yourself if you think that “being a good parent” means GUARANTEEING that your child is completely healthy in every way. And you are setting unreasonable expectations for your child if you think that “being completely healthy in every way” is a precondition for being a happy, productive member of society.

      In addition to the genetics consult, I think you and your husband could benefit from consulting with someone who can help you both talk through some of your expectations and anxieties more generally. What do you think is necessary to live a full, flourishing life? What do you think will happen if *anything* bad happens to your child, not necessarily a genetic condition, but say, a serious bike injury? How do you feel about your own lives now, and your own medical conditions, and how much of that are you projecting onto your future child?

    11. Marzipan*

      You seem very, very concerned with the possibility of a future child having any sort of health problem, and I would really encourage you to do some thinking about why that’s the case – if possible, talking it through with a therapist or similar.

      I can absolutely understand a wish to spare any future child from pain, but some of the things that are worrying you (like having one leg longer than the other) seem to me to be just things that fall on the spectrum of being a person – stuff happens, and we deal with it. As, indeed, is the case even with much more impactful illnesses and disabilities. But it sounds as though for you, at the moment, that thought I’d really frightening, and I’d really recommend exploring that more before making any decisions.

      As someone currently pregnant with a donor-conceived pregnancy (both sperm and eggs, because I am both single and old enough for my own eggs to suck) I am certainly not averse to the idea of donor conception in principle, but to me it seems like a disproportionate reaction to your situation. Bear in mind that a) the recommendation is to be as open as possible with donor-conceived children about their origins and b) even if you were to try to keep donor sperm a secret, there are myriad ways for children to find out anyway, in this fascinating modern age we live in. I’m not sure that the narrative you’d then be sharing with your child would be altogether an easy one (especially if, by chance, they happened to have some health problem of their own).

      With both of the very kind people who have donated to me, I have pretty minimal information about them, and my child won’t get their identifying details until age 18. He (with as much help as I can give him) is going to have to navigate growing up without knowing a lot about his genetic origins, and that’s a complicated thing. And, given how worried you are about the unknowable aspects of potential parenthood already, I would encourage you to think carefully about you would handle the unknowable aspects of donor conception. For example, you mentioned how worrying about possible medical complications meant you ‘weren’t thinking about what your kids would look like’ – I have literally nothing to go by, in terms of what my child might look like.

      If it helps at all, my paternal grandfather was type 1 diabetic, lived to a ripe old age, and none of his three children (nor any other descendant) are diabetic.

      1. Cat*

        My sperm donor baby is five days old and she’s perfect but yeah. I have a profile with self reported family medical history that could be faulty for any number of reasons. I feel ok about this but it’s because I am ok with some uncertainty, not because you can find a sperm donor that will remove that element for you.

        That said, while I think the industry should be better regulated I also think most sperm donor kids are fine, just like most kids in general. We all worry about worst case scenarios and some of them come to pass but most don’t. Having children is always a leap of faith that way.

    12. Christy*

      You are super catastrophizing here. And honestly, you’re doing it in a kind of hurtful way. Yes, sperm donation is ok. One scary article from 7 years ago about a kid ending up with CF doesn’t mean that sperm donation isn’t safe. Sperm donors are, overall, way healthier than the general population (or else the banks wouldn’t pay for their sperm). You don’t know that the two issues you have heard about were even caused by the sperm donor.

      You know about medical treatment. You’d advocate for your kids to get the care they need. You and your husband live fulfilling lives despite your medical issues, right? And frankly, stuff can happen to any kid, even one with perfect genes. You can’t control for everything. (And to be honest, if the idea of a lack of control is so scary, parenting itself is probably not the right path for you.)

      For context I’m a lesbian trying to get pregnant by sperm donation, so I’m probably more sensitive than many on this issue.

    13. Anonymous*

      Based on what you say, and I’m not a doctor, but your kids will likely have allergies or some kind of autoimmune something. This stuff is in the rise generally, it seems. I think you can do low cost common sense preventative things to proactively mitigate this likelihood – no smoking, maximize likelihood of the baby being full-term and delivered vaginally by following probably restrictions and stuff (BUT don’t go crazy!! A lot of this stuff is mediated by chance!!), feed them peanut butter from six months, local honey from a year, mitigate dust in your home, etc.

      In the mean time, I would delve into the studies myself first, to understand the genetic components and known triggers of the diseases. Like, go on pubmed and read. You might find that the uncertainly is much greater around that 10%.

      I think 10% for T1 is not terrible odds, esp relative to, say, 25% for CF. But I didn’t have to make the decision so I have no skin in this advice. Being a parent with a T1 child is challenging – I know one and read other parents’ accounts – but you’d still love him and he’d still go on to do things in the world to make you proud.

      So I’d probably still try for it…. Good luck!!

    14. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      One thing I think is important to point out, is that if you have a family history of a particular ailment, you’ll be much more aware of it manifesting in your children. If you have eczema, and your child breaks out in a rash, you’ll know what it looks like and what OTC lotions help soothe it, and you’ll be able to do that on your own before you visit the doctor for a formal diagnosis and prescription medications. Same with Celiac and diabetes symptoms.

    15. Pato*

      I have t1. Other than me, there’s a second cousin who has the condition.

      As your husband knows, t1 is no picnic. And in many parts of the world it is tragically a death sentence.

      What id say is this: While treatments are constantly improving, t1 is a really challenging disease for caretakers. It’s expensive. Really freaking and unnecessarily expensive. It’s a lot of battling with insurance companies. It’s many many many nights of interrupted sleep. It’s the risk of hospitalizations for things like a stomach bug or even just a persistent cold. It’s a lot of communication with your child’s school- teachers, nurses, administrators… and of course all of that and your loved one’s pain is emotionally draining for caretakers.

      If you decide that you don’t want to risk having a t1 kiddo because of these burdens on caretakers, I would completely and totally understand. It’s really truly a lot. Know this.

      However!! If you decide not to have kids for the kids’ sake because of all the pain and suffering they’ll experience… spare me. Yeah. Some people have it easier than me. Like I said t1 is no picnic. But my life is not just t1. It’s much bigger than a stupid autoimmune disease.

      With t1, I have traveled the world. I’ve hiked in Siberia, I’ve camped in Tanzania. With t1, I graduated college. I work full time. With t1, I’ve dated and with t1 I’ve found a wonderful partner who accepts me and supports me and whom I adore and who gives my life so much richness and beauty. All this I have and all this I do in spite of having a broken pancreas!

      Don’t write off your future kids because you think their lives will be miserable and not worth the pain.

    16. Quandong*

      From everything you’ve written here so far, I strongly recommend that before you make any decisions, you seek out therapy for yourself. I went through mandatory counselling as part of infertility treatments, and it was beneficial to me, even after I already had therapy for other reasons beforehand.

      It sounds like you’re extremely anxious about the health of any future child, biological or adopted. You also seem uncertain whether they will be loved and protected by anybody in your extended family or community. It does look like you expect the worst outcome at every stage, and that you perceive tremendous risks in store for your hypothetical child.

      Honestly there is a lot to unpack in what you’ve posted. The excellent folk of this forum are engaging with you, but I truly think you will be best served by getting support from a professional therapist at this time.

  26. Digley Doowap*

    Ending it his way was an easy cop-out for him and shows his true character. You dodged a life of lies and grief.

    You don’t want to stay with a person like this. Be happy you didn’t waste your life finding this out after 30 years.

  27. AllAlone*

    I’ve torpedoed another friendship with my overbearing ways. I get too pushy or bossy and don’t read clues. I have no idea I’ve done anything wrong until they’ve already put up the distance. I’ve developed social anxiety over the past five years because I don’t know the right things to do and say and apparently lack the instinct or filter in the moment.

    Any time I do something social, I come home and agonize over what I may have said wrong. I’ve started with a therapist who questions if it’s all in my head, meaning I am socially capable I just lack confidence. Nope. I finally asked my roommate, of several years, what was going on because she’s kept me at arms length for more than a year. I thought she was working through stuff but nope, it’s me.

    I would love to date but suck at it. I hurt so much. I’ve always struggled understanding the unsaid stuff or even the said stuff if it isn’t spelled out.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I’m sorry; that’s very painful. I don’t have a specific resource to recommend, but I’m wondering if some online or print guides that give you specific tracks for improving social skills would be helpful in giving you some specific protocols to follow. I found a bibliography that I’ll post a link to in followup.

      The learning curve varies on social skills, and some people get more teaching in childhood than others, but I think there’s a reasonable chance you could feel more secure if you had some clearer internal guidelines on what to do rather than punished yourself about what not to do.

    3. Fikly*

      Why is it all your fault? Why can’t the other person in this relationship communicate directly, as opposed to just clues?

      A strategy I use is to say to people, I will miss your meaning if you hint at it, please just say directly what you mean. Some people will do this, some won’t. But at that point, the person torpedoing the friendship is them, not me.

    4. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      Do you live in the same geographic region/cultural group where you grew up? Because if you don’t, it’s entirely possible you’re speaking a totally different social “language” than the people you’re associating with now. Moving “back home” wherever that may be, could go pretty far in making you feel more comfortable socializing.

    5. Ra94*

      I’m sorry, this sound really tough and not easy. It sticks out that you’re really internalizing this- blaming yourself for torpedoing a friendship, analysing everything you say after a party- when the actual issue is external. It might feel awkward at first, but I wonder if it’s worth subtly checking in with people in the moment? E.g. instead of beating yourself up silently for being pushy, check in- “Sorry, I realise I just picked the movie without consulting you- do you want to watch this one? Let me know if I’m ever being a little bossy, I can get pushy when I’m excited!” Some people will respond badly to that kind of openness, but they’re probably not your group, anyways.

    6. Sparrow*

      Hi AllAlone,
      I sympathize so much with this. Like you, social skills didn’t come easily to me. I was book smart but not people smart as a kid, and remember feeling hurt and bewildered and alone many times, either because I said the wrong thing, or because I didn’t respond “correctly” to something that was said to me. I worked really hard at being more “normal,” which sort of worked, but basically means my guard is up and I’m very careful, say very little and edit myself a lot in public, and am only relaxed and vulnerable with a small handful of trusted people. That said, I feel like it was a very solitary process- there’s not much support or dialogue about challenges with social skills -and as a child I felt like adults couldn’t relate or help me with it. (Maybe there is more discussion about this in the context of being non-neurotypical/on the autism spectrum in certain corners of the internet these days. I feel that I am fairly neurotypical, but it may be something for you to explore).
      In any case, I am thinking good thoughts for you. I can tell this is painful, and your feelings are vaild. When you are ready, if you can reflect on the conversation with your roommate, or manage to have one more conversation with them, I think that might be helpful. Not just “it’s me,” but what things specifically? If you’ve been “bossy,” where and when does your bossiness show up? When you see your roommate, do you ask how they are and really listen to the answer, or do you talk about your own things? Did you apologize to your roommate, and do you think there’s enough goodwill left that they’d be willing to work with you, and give you gentle feedback on some of the things?
      I hope your therapist will be a good resource for this work- they should be able to help you with the feelings of shame and hurt. They also should adjust their approach now that you have “evidence” that there’s more than a confidence issue at play (not that you should have to prove your problems are real to a therapist, but I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt). The therapist can also help you identify specific social challenges and strategies to work on them (perhaps role play would be helpful?)
      Captain Awkward has some good advice about social dynamics for us awkward folk that you may find useful
      Overall, this is really hard, but it is not your fault, and is something that you can work on. Please update us and let us know how it goes!

    7. matcha123*

      I don’t know your personality, but if someone spoke to you the way you speak to your friends, would you feel happy about it? Not saying your tone is wrong, but I use that for myself.

  28. Thinking about visiting Iceland*

    I’m considering visiting Iceland in January* for a few days. I’d particularly like to see the Gerðarsafn museum, because they have some contemporary works that look really interesting.

    I’m currently trying to come up with a budget. I plan on leaving from Boston (live in the Northeast), so that I only pay $350 for the flight over and then ~$150 for the flight back.

    I’ve heard people say that Iceland is really expensive in general, so I’m planning on staying at a hostel in Reykjavik. I’ve seen some places with rooms for $40 a night, which would be awesome. I don’t drive, so I’d be taking the bus/walking through town, and I’ve already confirmed that there would be a bus from the airport to Gerðarsafn. This means that I don’t have to worry about car rental fees or gas prices.

    Food seems to be my one blind spot. I went to r/Iceland to do some browsing, and it seems that, if you don’t want to spend a lot of money, you should either shop at Bonus, or rely on any free food the hotel/hostel has. I’ve stayed at a hostel before in Seattle, which had a kitchen and pantry, so I presume there might be food already in the hostel; but if not, I’m planning on getting food exclusively from Bonus.

    For this kind of travel, what do you advise budgeting for food/bus? Thanks!

    *This is also doubling as a late-twentysomething’s-first-long-overseas-international-trip. I’ve flown across the U.S. before, and I’ve taken a couple of trips into Vancouver, BC with my parents when I was younger; but other than the time they took me to France just after I was born, I really haven’t left U.S./Canada. I think this would be a good opportunity to build up confidence in case I have to do this professionally at some point, or even if I just want to do it again.

    1. Fikly*

      That sounds amazing! The only thing that stands out to me as a flag is “for a few days.” Long flights are exhausting, and you are likely to lose more time than you think just to travel. If the flights are the biggest expense, can you set aside a few more days to take your time?

      1. fposte*

        Iceland is weirdly close–it’s only 5 hours from Boston. Still great if Thinking can manage a little longer trip, but it would take her longer to get to Vegas than to Reykjavik, which is kind of a bizarre thought.

        1. Fikly*

          Wow, ok, I did not know it was that short a flight! I would still consider a full day as simply travel on each end, but yeah, less of an issue.

    2. LifeOrDeath*

      I am a native – you can buy a city card valid for 24, 48 or 72 hours for 3900 kr (24), 5500 (48hr) and 6700 (72hr) – in US 40-53 aprox. The card comes with VERY nice freebees like free entrance to the local swimming pools (do not skip a visit to them, we are hooked on our pools like those cute Japanese monkeys)
      https://visitreykjavik.is/city-card/how-it-works

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Swimming and hot tubbing in Iceland was so great, and I would never have thought to go if I weren’t with a group who knew it was unmissable! :)

    3. Sandy*

      I went to Iceland last year. Everybody warned me about how expensive it is, and it didn’t sink in at all. IT IS SO SO SO EXPENSIVE. Like you will think the prices are typos.

      Even picking things up from Bonus will be pricey. Brace yourself.

      1. only acting normal*

        On the plus side it’s not a tipping culture so you don’t need to add an extra X% to every restaurant/bar/service bill.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Oh wow! What stood out to you? I’d love to hear some examples because now I’m very curious haha

    4. Lalage*

      How healthy do you need/want to eat during the trip? Because, well, that will have an impact on the food budget…
      One thing I like to do is to check on Google maps the surrounding of the place I will stay ( in your case, one or more of the hostels). What shops/ bakeries/ restaurants/ bars are there? It’s usually possible to find out a menu with pricing to understand if it’s affordable or not, which will help particularly the first few days, and just get a feeling for how expensive things are.
      Always a good idea to bring some snacks with you – for the trip, in case you get there late and jet-lagged and hungry, etc (if you have the space in the luggage!)

    5. fposte*

      When I was in Reykjavik I ate mostly grocery store food (my hotel was near a 10-11), bakery stuff, and hot dogs from stands. Unfortunately I don’t remember what my budget was. If you’re counting on food at the hostel, I’d check that in advance, because they vary wildly in what they provide. I walked the whole time and never took a bus (beyond dedicated tours), and that was fine, but it was also in April; January may be a bit more difficult to navigate.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, I didn’t even think about dark–good point! It looks like there are 5-6 hours of sun a day in January there, so factor that into plans.

          1. Cat*

            I went in January and it wasn’t too hard to navigate. There’s more twilight than the 5-6 hours of daylight made it sound like. And I remember everything being well lit.

            We did rent a car which was an adventure. A lot of the roads outside the city were pure ice and the wind was crazy. It wasn’t too much colder than January in Boston though (where I was living at the time.)

        3. Thinking about visiting Iceland*

          Good point. I’m going to try and take a mini-SAD light with me. I grew up in Hawai’i, and I’ve lived in both the PNW and the Northeast for some time, but I haven’t been *that* far north.

    6. Bluebell*

      I took my teen niece to Reykjavik in July and we loved it. Flying from Boston was an easy trip and we managed to stay up after we arrived around 8am. We bought groceries at Bonus, and that definitely saved us money. We didn’t buy a City Card but it looks like a great deal. The municipal pools are terrific- we went to Sundhollin. I also liked the Hafnarhus Art Museum, and the photography museum. Wanted to go to Marshall House which has Olafur Eliasson’s studio, but it was pouring that day!

      1. Thinking about visiting Iceland*

        Omigod Olafur Eliasson!!!!!!!

        I’ve been going down a rabbit hole about him and his mentor-ish, Einar Thorsteinn, over the last several days. I seriously did not know about this. Thank you!

      2. Thinking about visiting Iceland*

        (Sorry for the second reply, forgot this question the first time)

        What would you say a one-person per-diem budget at Bonus would run, and what kinds of things were you grabbing there?

        1. Bluebell*

          Also don’t forget the Harpa is designed partly by OE and you can go in there for free. I think that at Bonus we bought cheese, bread, tea, lettuce, tomatoes, a pack of 4 apples and all of that was maybe under 25? I can’t remember sorry. At least one day go to the Icelandic food restaurant where you can get unlimited soup in a bread bowl. So good and you’ll be full for the day. I did pack meal bars so we could snack on the go. At the art museum they had a free coffee machine- a nice little luxury! The main church often has people practicing on the organ so it’s like a free concert. Enjoy!

          1. Thinking about visiting Iceland*

            Thanks! That sounds like a pretty reasonable budget. A lot cheaper than what you get stateside. Wow.

            1. Bluebell*

              It was def more expensive than in US. One thing that is nice is that they have smaller amounts. There were 4 apples in a styrofoam tray. It’s like the anti-Costco. The box of tea was 5 dollars and it was less expensive than Boston! Pastry at Braud and Co was amazing and not too pricy.

    7. Not A Manager*

      The easiest way to find out about kitchen facilities at various venues is to ask. Send them an email. Almost anyplace will have an electric kettle available for boiling water. Many places will have some kind of shared refrigerator space. If you absolutely require access to a stove or a hot plate, I think you should really check on that upfront.

      If you’re only going for a few days, and if you get to check a bag, you might think about bringing some food with you in your luggage. I’d suggest packaged camping-type stuff. Ramen or instant noodles, packets of tuna, instant oatmeal, etc. Most countries will let you bring in packaged food. Obviously don’t try to bring fresh produce or deli meats.

      Don’t go nuts about it, you’re not preparing to live out of your luggage. (I say this more to myself than to you; I tend to be a bit insecure about access to food.) But most of that stuff is significantly less expensive in the U.S. than anywhere overseas, and it sounds like you’re very price-sensitive right now.

      When you’re in Reykjavik, don’t miss the concert hall, Harpa. It’s really lovely architecture.

      1. Thinking about visiting Iceland*

        Thanks!

        I’ve been thinking about Harpa too. The walls were designed by an architect, Einar Thorsteinn, who was inspired by Buckminster Fuller and Linus Pauling (the latter with regard to crystallography and solid geometry).

        I’m in the middle of a career transition between engineering and computer science, and really want to find ways to combine my math/coding with my art skills. I think looking at an example of a successful combination thereof would really be good for me at this point.

      2. Thinking about visiting Iceland*

        I’ll also work on a list of food to carry on the plane in case things don’t work out $-wise on the ground.

    8. Jackalope*

      If you can do this, here’s my suggestion. When I travel like that I’ll plan to have most of my meals on the cheap, but also budget for 1-2 at decent restaurants. That way I don’t spend too much money but I also get to experience local food and it makes it easier to stick to my budget since I know I’ll have a splurge-y meal a time or two.

    9. Pam*

      You could also throw some food/snacks in your suitcase and bring them along. I did a study abroad in London, and one student brought a bag- back when checked items were free- filled with ramen and snacks.

    10. Arts Akimbo*

      Oh my gosh, I recently was in the Westfjords and I loved it, 10/10 would go back again, want to move to Ísafjörður! <3

      I stayed in a few hostels in Reykjavik, and they were super fun! Reykjavik was expensive, but, I dunno, maybe it speaks to how inflated my home city currently is, it really didn't seem much more expensive than home. Drinking and clubbing is where you spend the most, or eating at restaurants, and if you have to purchase anything resembling luggage or camping supplies you'll pay a ton! If you need a sleeping bag or anything while you're there, consider renting– it's like $1 a day or something. Do be sure to bring a sleeping bag with you, because you will need it if you're staying in the hostels. There's a bring-your-own-linens culture, and you're expected to bring sheets or a sleeping bag, and a pillowcase.

      I 100% agree with those who recommend budgeting for at least a couple of restaurant meals! There is such great food there. But Bonus groceries and street hot dogs will be inexpensive. The hostels will likely *not* have communal food; everyone is expected to bring their own. I got a loaf of bread, a jar of rhubarb jam, a small jar of peanut butter, a head of lettuce, a few tomatoes, a pack of cold cuts, a pack of sliced cheese, carrot sticks and a tub of hummus, and that was my main fare for a whole week! Super cheap. So cheap that I got to splash out on intriguing licorice snacks, fruit and nut bars, hardfiskur, skyr, and good coffee. I wish I had the receipts in front of me to tell you, but if I spent more than $200 on groceries I will be very surprised. I'm sure it was less.

    11. LifeOrDeath*

      Ohh another unmissable thing is The Icelandic punk museum – directions to it seeing as it is underground smack in the middle of Reykjavík:
      The Icelandic Punk Museum

      Bankastræti 2, 101 Reykjavík
      Tel +354 568 2003

    12. Liz*

      I was in Iceland a few years ago. it IS expensive. Mine was for a milestone birthday so i saved and overbudgeted. But jsut to give you an example. I ate out every night. one night i had a grilled chicken sandwich and a glass of wine, $35; another a burger and glass of wine, about that, maybe a bit less. But my general rule of thumb is to have at least the minimum I think i will spend, and maybe a bit more, so i’m not constantly worrying about money and running out of it.

      trip advisor has forums on Iceland, and there’s a ton of info on there. that may give you some better info on cost of food, lodging etc. But its a beautiful place and I HIGHLY recommend it.

  29. Anon Here*

    Friends, I’m moving up. Literally. Up to the apartment on the second floor, which is bigger. It’s a big railroad one bedroom with an extra room behind the bedroom. I’ll have direct access to the backyard, which will be mostly mine. I’ll have a patio in front. A washer and dryer. And a bath tub. And lots of fun old building quirks. And the neighborhood couldn’t be better.

    Now I just need to focus on the Friday part of life. Everything else seems to be falling into place.

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Congratulations! I’m in a similar boat- just got my own place and it’s amazing and I love it. Mine also has fun old building quirks, and big closets too. What’s a railroad apartment?

      It’s so fun to have everything settling into place isn’t it? I recently got a new job too so I’m really excited about all the great changes happening.

      1. Annonno Today*

        A railroad apt. is usually all rooms arranged in a line feeding into one another. Usually the bedroom is at the back.

        2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Cool, I have the same thing! Only mine is what they call a shotgun apartment around here, which means the bedroom is not at the back. You have to walk through it to get to the bathroom and kitchen. A bit awkward when I have guests over, but at least I’ll actually clean up my bedroom instead of hiding all the mess in it.

          1. Anon Here*

            Yes, my friends in New Orleans and Baton Rouge had shotgun houses and apartments. I think of it had a Louisiana thing, but I’ve seen them all over the South. (Though, of course, you could be anywhere – not trying to ID your location!)

          2. Chaordic One*

            In one place I lived there were a whole bunch of little one-story houses, almost like townhouses, like this. They were all built in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Some of the houses touched the house next-door to them on one side, but most of them had a space of about 2 to 3 feet between them on both sides.

            There was almost always a front porch, then you’d enter the living room, walk through the bedroom, then into the kitchen and the bathroom was at the very back of the house, usually beside the back porch. I always thought they were weird little houses and that the bedroom should be a dining room.

            1. Anon Here*

              Yeah. I would be tempted to put a bed in the kitchen or sleep on the back porch. I bet people convert the back porches to bedrooms.

              There’s an area here with these really cute one story brownstones. They’re attached to each other like normal row houses, and they have those funny plastic awnings that you see all over Brooklyn and Queens, but they’re TINY. And they all have front and back yards. Is it weird to say I have a crush on that neighborhood and I dream about living there?

          3. Fikly*

            I thought shotgun apartment meant that you could shoot your gun from the front room and the bullet could go out the back door without hitting anything if all the doors were open!

            1. Anon Here*

              That IS what it means! They’re long and narrow. I think railroad apts are basically the same thing but with a regional variation on the name.

        3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          …and now I finally understand that one TMBG lyric about a railroad apartment that never made sense to me as a teen. (There are still plenty of other TMBG lyrics that still don’t make sense to me, of course.)

          I don’t think we have a specific word for that style here.

      2. Merci Dee*

        Sounds like a de-luxe apartment in the sky!

        Hope you have much happiness in your new place! Let us know how you settle in! :)

      3. Anon Here*

        Also, congrats on your new job! I still have some work to do in that area, but I’m making good things happen. One thing at a time.

  30. deep cover*

    I am thinking of doing ancestry.com I can tell from blood type that my father is not my bio parent. I have known for years and am fine with it — but it is definitely not something I can bring up or just ask about (please do not suggest that). Any thoughts on this, especially from a similar situation? Any reasons why I might wish to reconsider? I do not plan to discuss this with anyone at all; I just want to find out. Thank you.

    1. Lucky black cat*

      I would talk to a therapist, if you can – not to discuss the decision you’ve clearly made, but to prepare for how you might handle whatever answer you do or don’t find.

      1. valentine*

        You’ll be opening a can of worms, if not Pandora’s Box. You’ll be essentially providing a sample to police, even if you wouldn’t, say, agree to provide one so they can determine if the person who stole a bicycle is your teen relative. Anyone who matches with you may contact your family, for whatever reason, including to discuss your paternity.

    2. WhoAmI?*

      I’m thinking of doing this! I will eventually. I identify with the … heritage I grew up with. However, my mom is adopted. I am wondering if it turned out I have, say, Jewish roots, or French, after growing up Irish/Polish, if that would create a sense of loss. Or could be really exciting!

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve done the Ancestry DNA thing, and so far they’ve changed what they thought my ethnic heritage is twice. So try not to get too attached to whatever they find about that – it might change. To be fair, it hasn’t changed all that much, but some of the changes were surprising.

    3. FuzzFrogs*

      My twin sister did it Ancestry and another one because we were conceived via a sperm donor. From that experience, I can tell you that Ancestry doesn’t always properly label your possible matches–it labeled someone as a “cousin” who was a half-sister, and the donor’s child from his marriage (which caused drama when my sister messaged her). On the other site she got another cousin who was again a half-sister, this time someone who was also conceived via donor. So keep that in mind, that they may not have all the exact facts straight.

      I think with this sort of thing, what you want to know and what you don’t want to know is different for everyone, and I would just say that whatever is best for you is perfectly fine. I decided I was happy to hear what my sister found without taking the test myself (Long story short, we could also be half-sisters, which I..find really weird! I don’t want to be half-sisters with my own twin!). Don’t put any pressure on yourself to find answers you think you’re expected to have if you don’t want them.

    4. Cat lady*

      I am not a geneticist but from what I understand of blood types there are several reasons why your blood type doesn’t seem compatible with your dads other than just him not being your bio dad. Obviously that is one answer but there could be others.

      1. Enough*

        Yeah it’s not as simple as A, B, O and AB. I have one child who is O negative and two who are A positive. My husband (A) and I (O) are both positives.

        1. fposte*

          Blood types are pretty genetically simple, though, and there are plenty of neat little charts online to show inheritance patterns. Your family is straightforward, since O and Rh-negative are both recessive traits. While there are rare weird exceptions, some patterns would be strong indications that there’s a different parent than the one named (AB+ kid with two O- parents, for instance). I’m betting that deep cover has looked at the possibilities.

        2. Cat*

          Just for fun here is the punnett square for you guys:

          ___|O+ | O-|
          A+ |A+O+| A+O-|
          O- |O+O- | O-O- |

          Sorry if the format turns out weird! Top is you (O+O-) left is your husband (A+O-) and the ones in the middle are your potential offspring (A+O+, A+O-, O+O-, O-O-).

    5. fposte*

      I did 23andme (adoptee, as mentioned above) and am considering doing Ancestry. However, I’d still suggest taking it with a massive grain of salt, especially when it comes to named relationships and included genealogical records–consider the findings a pointer, not a declaration, and always ask yourself what mistakes are here and what they’d mean to your conclusions.

      I’d say think while you can if there’s information you’d regret finding. Biodad went to prison for raping your mother? Biodad is an incestuous relative of your mother? Mother not biologically related either? Those are some extreme cases but they’re all things that happen. Though you don’t want to discuss it, can you envision a situation like the one above that would change that, or change how you deal with family?

    6. Fikly*

      FYI, ancestry’s genetic testing is not terribly accurate, for technical reasons. (They’re basically doing it on the cheap, and not replicating the samples enough, which makes it less reliable). So if you are trying to rely on the information, be aware that it is not going to give you an answer you can know is likely right.

        1. Fikly*

          There is vastly more accurate genetic testing out there, but it’s largely disease focused, and done through better labs, and much more expensive.

    7. matcha123*

      You do know that there are many babies born with a blood type that doesn’t match their parents with no cheating involved?

      1. Mimblewimble*

        I was an archivist for several years and often helped people with their genealogy research. Ancestry.com volunteers came each year to scan records for us, too.

        My advice for anyone doing genealogy is to go into it with an open mind as you never know what you’ll find. Family oral histories dong always match up with the historical record.

        Also, keep in mind that there are different types of DNA tests, which trace different genetics. For example, some DNA is only passed through the male or female line, so to get a full DNA profile you’ll want to think about getting any close male-line or female-line descendants tested too.

        Oh and I believe you need an Ancestry account in order to view your results with them. Just something else to keep in mind if you go with them.

      2. fposte*

        It’s not about whether it matches; it’s about whether it falls in the possibilities. It’s true there are weird genetic complications like the Bombay blood type and cis AB that can interfere with Cat’s Punnett square probabilities above, but they are genuinely rare.

  31. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    I’m in my own apartment! I’m really happy with it and excited to have my own place.

    Anybody have tricks on how to put things on walls without putting holes in them? I want some hooks on the wall but command hooks are so ugly. And I really need a light above the kitchen sink.

    1. JDC*

      The command strips have never not ripped off my drywall FYI. They aren’t supposed to but every time it has.

    2. LittleBeans*

      I bought some rechargeable lights on amazon that are magnetic, and come with stick-on metal strips you can attach them to. For hooks, did you look at all the command options? They have some made of metal that look pretty nice

    3. Lucky black cat*

      What about command strips instead of hooks? You can’t see those – they just go between the wall and whatever you’re attaching to it.

    4. Pippa*

      Sewing maching needles are pretty strong and make a very, very small hole. Once my needles get dull, I set them aside for handing light pictures, etc. The hole is usually small enough to smooth closed with the back of a thumb nail. Some pins work too. The needles may not be the answer to your quest for hooks but most landlords allow a few things to be hung so the needles could be used in other areas to spare your hanging allowance.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If the place has moldings, you can put hooks up there and drop a wire to the height where you want the picture. I’ve seen people just hide the hole above or in the molding, and I’ve seen hardware that clamps around the molding.,

      1. Clisby*

        Yes, I have picture molding in my 1925 house, and that’s how I hang pictures. I use the kind with hardware that hooks around the molding.

    6. CastIrony*

      I use painter’s tape to hang up paper pictures on the wall (no frames), and I saw something on Pinterest where they put tape over a paper clip on the wall, and put up a picture without frames with a magnet over the paper clip area.

    7. Elf*

      The OOK picture hanging hooks are awesome; they are insanely easy, cheap, reusable, can hold a ton of weight, and only leave a pinhole that could be painted right over or ignored.

  32. Smelly Apartment*

    Thank you to everyone who gave helpful suggestions with marijuana smell coming into my apartment from the neighbors. There were some wild and sad/scary developments. CW for domestic disputes.

    The management narrowed it down to three units it could be coming from based on the duct work. Two of the units are inhabited by people who have been living at the complex much longer than we have and have never had any complaints against them. They also both apparently travel a lot for work so the frequency of the smell doesn’t line up. This leaves the third unit.

    This unit is inhabited by the neighbor we share a wall with, who also works as an office staff member at the complex. He’s been here about 1 month, and apparently our first complaint to management lined up with the weekend he moved in. He had seemed kind of quirky to me, and would answer “how are you?” with “oh you know, missing you…”, which was really uncomfortable (but he apparently did this to everyone including males?). The manager told us he swore up and down that the smell wasn’t from him.

    Unfortunately last weekend at 3am we heard him SCREAMING at a female for upwards of 30 minutes. There was a lot of angry profanity and him trying to goad her into fighting back. We could hear word for word – he very clearly is not stable and I am incredibly uncomfortable that he has access to my phone number and presumably could get into my apartment if he wanted. Luckily the manager is awesome and after speaking to her we have a clear path forward on what to do if we hear anything like this again or smell any more weed. Not a great update, but I hope the woman is able to get somewhere safe and I’m thankful the manager was so responsive.

    1. Anon Here*

      WOAH. Please take extra measures to secure your apartment and stay safe on the complex if this guy still lives or works there. He may know that you said something about the smell. That plus the instability plus him having access to your apt is a worrisome combination.

      I’m glad to hear about the progress. But this has me really concerned.

    2. WellRed*

      How does he have access to your apartment? Surely you don’t all have the same key? As to the domestic, the clearest path is calling the police.

      2. Shiny Infernape*

        He works at the complex do presumably has access to everyone’s keys. Terrifying. I hope you’re ok and he goes quietly.

        1. WellRed*

          I missed that! If he’s smoking pot and screaming at women and generally disturbing paying tenants, I imagine he’ll be fired sooner rather then later. I’m kinda surprised he hasn’t been already.

  33. Caterpie*

    Anyone want to weigh in on some art ethics? I only dabble in a few creative outlets, but I’m curious to know what people think about a situation at my school’s annual art auction. I promise that ‘school’ isn’t the main focus of the topic, just the venue.

    Basically we put on a yearly auction of student (not undergrad), faculty, staff, and local artist work, and a set minimum percent of the proceeds go to a related charity with the artist keeping the rest. Someone submitted a beautiful painting that received a lot of interest, however on the last day of the auction an anonymous person taped up a copy of the ‘original’ with info on where to buy prints from the original artist for a much cheaper price. It seems like the piece at our auction was verrrrry heavily inspired by this other piece. The other piece isn’t ‘famous’, but seems to have gotten a lot of attention on deviantArt and has gotten the artist some online prestige (I’d never seen it before but the original is breathtaking too and I’d like to purchase a print next time I have some disposable income).

    The subjects and backgrounds are identical; it seems like our submission just changed the subject’s hairstyle, colors, and maybe the style is 5% more cartoon-like (not an insult, just my non-expert stylization guess). Is that ethical in the art world? I follow a lot of digital artists and it seems absolutely devastating when work is stolen or used heavily without credit.

    There was no credit to the original artist mentioned anywhere in the submission, and the artist will make a nice bit of cash from the sale. Is it worth bringing to the attention of the organizer, or the person who won and spent a good chunk of money on the piece? Where does inspiration stop and copying begin, especially when profit is involved?

    1. heckofabecca*

      Bring it to the attention of the organizer. It’s plagiarism at worst and shady at best. It’s one thing to recreate, say, a Van Gogh painting with a pop culture figure. Van Gogh isn’t losing any money over it. But essentially copying someone creating today, and not giving proper attribution?? That’s no cool.

      1. FuzzFrogs*

        Agreed–esp. if artist is part of the school, that could be really ethically gnarly.Tell the organizer. The organizer would hopefully be in a better position to talk to the artist, the buyer, and the school, and figure out what happened here and make it right, especially in regards to the money changing hands.

    2. anonforthis*

      I think the response will have to consider the status of the plagiarist. If it’s a student, it sounds like a pretty clear-cut academic honor code violation and the school should know so they can deal with it. If it’s faculty, there are different processes for dealing with it, but it’s also a BFD. If it’s a “friend-of-the-org” community member, the org will almost certainly need to cut ties with that person and never, ever accept work or be associated with them again.
      As for the person who bought the work, I think an explanation and refund are in order, though that’s just my gut feeling, and not based in any precedent.
      Why wasn’t the sale stopped, pending verification of the painting’s originality?

      1. WellRed*

        If the person who bought the painting genuinely loves it, they likely won’t care? (I am not addressing any of the other ethical concerns here).

      2. Reba*

        I think there are several confusing issues here. I’m an artist and have worked in some art sales settings.

        The painting isn’t a “fake” — it’s not purporting to be by the other artist from DeviantArt. If it were, if it had a false signature, then a refund is in order.

        The work is “an original” by the person who submitted in, in the usage of the word used in art sales — it is a hand made work, not a reproduction of a work. (it’s obviously not original in the sense of being a creative new idea, of course.) It doesn’t sound like there was misrepresentation of the facts. It’s just derivative.

        It is certainly not to the highest ethical standard, but it’s also not fraud.

        If the buyer bought it because they like how it looks, they still like how it looks. So I don’t think a refund is needed, although reaching out to the buyer to get their reaction is probably not a bad idea.

        And don’t work with this artist again. I do think there would be a different response needed for a student submission (teachable moment) versus an adult artist (don’t darken our door again because you know better).

        3. Chaordic One*

          Yes, you did put it very well.

          It is pretty well know that most artists have always stolen each others’ ideas. In the past I’ve seen very obviously derivative artwork being described as “in the style of…” or “inspired by…” or “influenced by…” in auction catalogs, which makes it clear that the artwork might not be the most original in concept. That is probably what should have happened, but didn’t, in this situation. Most people wouldn’t know enough about art to know that it was necessarily derivative, but I’ve never seen such artwork sell for an excessive amount of money. Usually, it sells for about the same price as a nice print of the original derived-from artwork.

          If the buyer likes the art, then there really isn’t a problem and since part of the money from the sale is going to charity, that could well be part of the motivation for buying the artwork and paying more than the art is probably worth.

    3. Pyrbennu*

      Just to check, are you sure this isn’t the DeviantArt artist? If they use a screenname on DA it could be them.

  34. BeanCat*

    I’m going to my wedding dress fitting today! My fiancé’s grandmother offered to go with me because she knows I’m not close with my family and I’m very thankful for the family I’m gaining. <3

  35. Anon Here*

    Whining dog update! I forgot to include this in my other post.

    We’ve made some progress. He’s getting more exercise and more play time. Every day, we go for a Run n Play on his extendable leash. I also got him more toys to play with at home. He’s appreciating it. We just had to adjust his workout routine for big city life.

    Now that he’s more satisfied in terms of exercise, he’s interested in learning new phrases. So I’ve taught him, “Quiet time,” and, “Sleepy time,” and, “Go to bed.”

    He sometimes gets some anxiety and needs a cuddle before his bed time. He’ll lie on the couch whining like he’s sad and scared. So I hug him and tell him how much I love him. Then he calms down and goes to sleep. I don’t think he’s purely attention-seeking. I think he really gets anxious about being alone. He always wants to have one paw on me and know that I’m right there and I won’t go away.

    He’s also learned, “Mommy has to go to work,” and, “Mommy has to go to the store.” If I tell him where I’m going and when I’ll be back, he politely lies down on the couch instead of barking and scratching at the door after I leave.

    He’s very smart, and extremely cute too. I’m so lucky to have him as a friend.

    1. Turtlewings*

      Your dog sounds amazing and very smart! I’m glad you figured out what was bothering him and how to calm him down.

    3. M*

      This is wonderful! Congrats on your sweet friend. How did you teach him to be quiet on command? I would like to train my own darling pup to do the same.

      1. Anon Here*

        We’re still working on it, but he knows what “Quiet,” means. When he’s barking or whining constantly, I get out a treat and hold it near his nose while saying, “Quiet.” When he is quiet for a few minutes, he gets the treat.

        However, he’s just started responding to this by licking his lips purposefully when he sees the treat. It’s like he’s saying, “Yeah, I’m training you too. When I smack my lips like this, you give me that treat.” He’s such a funny guy. Kind of sarcastic and full of attitude but nice on the inside, just like his mom.

          1. Anon Here*

            He’s adorable. He gets a lot of attention when we go for walks, and he’s very friendly. But he has that sarcastic smile just like his “mom.” I didn’t know dogs could have such a sense of humor until I met this one.

    4. MOAS*

      Adorable. Also NGL, I started by reading the 4th paragraph and was really wondering if it was a partner, a pet or child. A la scully of Brooklyn 99.

  36. Falling Diphthong*

    Book rant: At the library, picked up a couple of recent mysteries in a series I’d fallen out of. Reading the first one, I was reminded of what put me off the series: making the sidekick a full-blown psychic. (Also, her sister now seems to be a poltergeist?) There are ways to include a psychic element in a mystery that are fun rather than eye-rolling, but in this series it always reads as though the author believes that a fictional character having accurate psychic visions in a fictional universe will serve as evidence of things We Ken Not.

    I was motivated to write this when we finally got to this book’s psychic prediction from the other side and it wasn’t even an elaborate sonnet that will only make sense in retrospect, saving no one and rendering the psychic stuff useless. No, the prediction–I decided this isn’t a spoiler because it’s so ridiculous–is “Don’t go through the door.” Everyone reading this comment could, in six months, think back to how at some point they should not have gone through a literal or metaphorical door and marvel at my psychic predictions being born out in real life.

    The thing is, the rest of the story is quite well constructed–adding a scene in which poltergeist sister makes the radio turn on and off while talking about possible business consulting, and one in which prediction sister tells the heroine not to go through a door, adds absolutely nothing to the story. But there they are, flopping around the plot as “evidence” of the forces we ken not.

    1. Filosofickle*

      Paranormal seems to be popping up more and more. I can handle a little of it, but not much. I just read an Aunt Dimity book, where the lead mystery-solver “talks” to a dead friend by writing in a magic book. It was small enough I didn’t mind but I’m not dying to read another.

      It’s like books these days are being created by Genre Mad Lib. Someone made a list of “things that sell” or “things that women like” — romcom, fantasy, cooking, mystery, shopping, paranormal — then put them in a blender and out popped things like cozy mysteries with recipes and mediums.

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        I get annoyed when the worldbuilding for the paranormal stuff clearly isn’t thought through properly. It CAN be done well (see Jean Johnson’s romance series for “done well”) but so often let’s stir up funny quirky witch stuff, teehee! and then you spend most of the book trying to catch up and figure out what’s going on.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        Amazon has a lot of this in their ebooks – entire weirdly specific genres. Paranormal/shape changing romances appear to be one of these. I suspect there’s a PhD thesis or two to be obtained analysing the trends and what they say about the human psyche.

        Also – if you’re googling any of the more bizarre micro-genres out of curiosity, do so in an incognito browser, unless you want to spend the next six months with Amazon recommending, say, dinosaur/human erotica. (And no, I did not make that up).

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I suspect that this isn’t entirely a new trend. I remember a filk song from the 80s/90s or so (the tape I had of it was Joe Haldeman singing at a Bayfilk) making fun of this same kind of nonsensical “tropes in a blender” stuff in a SF short story context. I think the song was called “SF Editor’s Lament”.

    2. Fikly*

      I feel like the problem with whatever trope is popular in the moment is that weaker writers choose it to prop up their writing, and stronger writers who might not be particularly good at whatever that trope is feel pressured to add it so as to appeal to the masses.

      It’s lose/lose.

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      My book rant: Why is all the fantasy I can borrow electronically through the library paranormal romance? Ok, not all, but there are an inordinate amount of books with a cheesy pun like “Love Bites” as the title and a guy with his shirt off on the cover. I like romance alright, but I prefer it as a side dish to dragons and magic swords and that sort of thing. And I am Done with a vampire or werewolf for the male lead.

  37. Donut bun*

    I feel like the older I’ve gotten and the less I travel, the more I’m getting…idk? Like.. every year my husband and I travel during thanksgiving to meet his family. It’s an 8 hour road trip for one week. And I usually begin to plan and pack one month before. I have a checklist on my phone. The actual packing takes a day or two but the planning is what drains me.

    For a one week trip, I have 6 bags. 2 for clothes 1 for gifts 1 for snacks to eat on the way 1 for shoes and 1 for medicine, makeup, electronics, books etc… this is only for myself. And this is a place that’s known and familiar. I could literally pop down to Walmart a block away and pick up something If I needed it.

    It’s just like… I literally have to plan ahead so much. If I don’t write down “fork to eat food with on the road trip”. I’ll forget it. I don’t remember ever having to need so many things listed out. Or having to pack so heavy. I get anxiety now if I don’t have my things. Like, it Doesn’t matter that I won’t use all 20 lipsticks n 1 week, I just have to have them just in case.

    Is this some random quirk or what.

    1. heckofabecca*

      Generally speaking, I think needing to be super prepared is a quirk, but I think if you wanted you could ease up on yourself to try and limit all the anxiety you have attached to packing. Happy to offer some (hopefully helpful!) suggestions if you’d like em :)

    2. WellRed*

      Are there you getting more risk averse and therefore won’t take any chances if not having what you need or not being comfortable? So you overplan? And overpack? My mom is definitely exhibiting some anxiety when in the past that was not an issue. I, on the other hand, have learned i can do with much less, as long as I am not headed to some outpost where I can’t pick up what I forgot.

      1. WellRed*

        Also, I don’t think needing to pack 20 lipsticks is a random quirk, but rather, a behavior that needs a closer examination lest it worsen.

        1. Donut bun*

          I mean…I love makeup and all and I like having options

          This is what I struggle with I guess, what’s a harmless quirk/interest/joy Vs what’s a real issue.

          1. lasslisa*

            The rule of thumb is whether or not it’s a problem. How does it feel if you try to pack less? Does all of this packing feel more like a burden or more like a fun thing, do the 20 lipsticks feel like exciting opportunities or like mandatory weights?

            The rule for whether something is a problem is always whether or not it’s a problem. It’s very circular. But the person you have to ask is yourself.

      2. Donut bun*

        Def fear of not being comfortable. 1) I’m a creature of routine and 2) I don’t always have the best time when visiting here for various reasons. So being prepared and having my “things” around calms the anxiety a little bit. But now I have anxiety about needing so much stuff.

        1. lasslisa*

          Does it help if you remember that the stuff is a choice and not a need? If you really feel like the stuff is a need rather than a choice, that sounds really painful.

    3. anonforthis*

      Have you always been a heavy packer/planner? One of my friends, as she’s aged, has gotten to where there is so. much. stuff. that she absolutely must have even for a weekend trip. To be clear, none of it is medically or otherwise necessary and much of it just makes things more difficult. (ie, now you have to haul twice as much crap into a hotel room when you’re just staying overnight). Another friend very rarely travels for similar reasons- can’t live without all this “stuff”, but doesn’t want to pack it, either.
      So, anecdotally speaking, yes it is a thing that happens for some people. Both of these folks are prone to anxiety in other areas of their life. One has a patient husband who will help pack and haul all the necessary stuff. The other just doesn’t travel anymore. Neither has sought to address any underlying issues that might be provoking this tendency.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Not random at all. What you wrote regarding trip planning describes my wife and I to a tee.

    5. fposte*

      You’ve already talked about having a shopping problem; this seems like something that would be related to that. It seems like you have a hard time tripping the “Enough” trigger when it comes to material things (a lot of us can relate). That’s not something that you can magic into being, but maybe a short trip would be a time to experiment. What if you only packed one bag of clothes? What if you packed two snacks? Can you find some non-material goal to look forward to along the way, like a stop to walk in a nice park, to give yourself a different kind of reward?

  38. Victoria, Please*

    Hi y’all, is the “Clean My Mac” tool legitimate and effective? Or am I downloading trouble? Many thanks for any help!

    4. Lizabeth*

      Nope, nope, nope! Type “is Clean My MAC software safe to use” in your browser and read what turns up. Even on the Apple forums they say don’t use it.

    6. Victoria, Please*

      So in this case, how DOES one clean one’s Mac?! How do you clean up and sort out those system files that chew up all the GB’s?

      1. fposte*

        What makes you think you have system files that are chewing up GBs? What’s your computer doing that led you to believe that? (Conflicting extensions are usually the first place to go, FWIW.)

          1. fposte*

            But that’s just about how much is on your Mac. It doesn’t mean that those are interfering with your computer. How many Gb are they using and how big is the drive? What’s your computer doing that’s a problem?

    7. OperaArt*

      I’m puzzled by people saying it’s unsafe and malware. I’m legit curious, not trying to argue.
      I’ve used it successfully for years and it gets good reviews from the major Mac and tech magazines. One I just found said, “ Well, it’s notarized by Apple, has a Safety Database, and is safe enough to earn some serious awards from the Mac community.”

      What issues are people seeing?

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Just the fact that it loads as one of those “Got your browser!!!! The only way out is to click okay! … Or quit. Man, you’re a spoilsport” screams “scam.” Also that it likes to claim it has instantly, the moment the page appears, scanned my computer (how?) and detected these three viruses with scary names.

        When I google it, it comes up as malware. Which everything about the sales tactic (DANGER ALERT Click Okay now!!!!!!!!) indicated.

        1. OperaArt*

          I wonder if we’re talking about the same product. I’ve never seen any of the behavior you’re describing. I’m using CleanMyMac from MacPaw to remove unnecessary files.

          1. Victoria, Please*

            That’s what I was asking about, CMM from MacPaw. ..and you’re right, it doesn’t do those things Falling Diphthong is concerned about.

            Now I’m confused again. :-)

            1. fposte*

              When I Google around, I see some complaints about popups that won’t go away from CMM, but I also see a lot of comments about Mac Cleaner. Could be some cross-confusion, maybe?

          2. Jdc*

            Same. My IT guy who worked for Apple put it on my computer and it’s never been a problem or given me any of that.

    8. Sam Foster*

      Clean My Mac from MacPaw is a legit piece of software that I used for awhile but derived little benefit from. It didn’t have granular enough controls to do what I wanted to do. The one thing I did like was it did try to hunt down remnants of application that deinstalled poorly, which was nice, but, otherwise it ended up not being for me so I didn’t renew after the first year subscription.
      If you are referring to the “About My Mac” – “Storage” tab I wouldn’t worry about that until you have less than 10-20% storage left. At least that used to be a good general rule of thumb.
      Just poking around in there I saw that there is now a manage button there that seems to have possibly useful tools like “Optimize Storage” which removes movies and tv shows you’ve watched and there’s a “Reduce Clutter” feature that might be interesting to explore, it appears to find what it thinks are duplicate files and then gives you the option to delete some?
      My suggestion would be to check out sites like OSXDaily or Macworld for articles about maintaining a Mac and see whether you want to go through the effort of what they recommend. The Apple Community would be a my second-tier research. That’s always tough because there is often a lot more opinion than knowledge shared in those.
      But overall, Macs are pretty good about maintaining themselves so unless Clean My Mac does something super specific that you want it to do I’m not sure I’d try it.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        In my experience (and I’m someone who can poke about in system files and delete stuff and fix things if I do something wrong), you likely don’t need anything this. The biggest thing would be deleting library or preference files for apps you’ve deleted, and that’s not usually enough to be a major problem.

        Shutting down the computer and restarting occasionally is useful – when you restart a lot of temporary files will be cleaned up, although usually not more than a couple of gigs. And having your computer very short on disk space (as in you’ve less than 10 GB free) can make it run very slowly.

        When you look at the about my mac tab, it’s telling you about everything that’s on the computer, and a lot of that is stuff that is needed to actually run the computer. An average user doesn’t need to know about those files, but without them the computer is an expensive paperweight.

          1. fposte*

            So how much are the system files taking up? I’m on a MacBook Pro running 10.13.6 and my system files take up 178 GB. (Weird to remember going through grad school on a computer with 20 Mb.)

          2. Anonymous Educator*

            I would download GrandPerspective (free and open source), and see what exactly is taking up so much disk space.

          3. Sam Foster*

            Look at reducing length of time that Time Machine backups are kept. Look at your iTunes library especially for movies (~4GB each) and tv shows and delete any rentals or things that one can download again. Go through personal files and look for duplicates (do you really need 317 revisions of your resume?) or large files (RAW photos as an example) and potentially move them off to an external hard drive. Empty trash. Clear browser caches. Basically stuff I remember from articles from ages ago, definitely would check for more recent info.

            1. Anonymous Educator*

              Look at reducing length of time that Time Machine backups are kept.

              Aren’t Time Machines kept on an external drive? Shouldn’t take up the actual Mac’s storage.

              Look at your iTunes library especially for movies (~4GB each) and tv shows and delete any rentals or things that one can download again. Go through personal files and look for duplicates (do you really need 317 revisions of your resume?) or large files (RAW photos as an example) and potentially move them off to an external hard drive.

              This is what GrandPerspective is for. Instead of digging around guessing where stuff is taking up space, you let it show you where all the storage is being taken up.

  39. Ali G*

    Thanksgiving prep!! Last shopping day today. Tomorrow I prep mashed potatoes, French onion soup and duxelles for my beef Wellington (I am doing an alternative menu this year).
    I have to make sure to buy some fancy ass rolls today :)

    3. Parenthetically*

      I have to get my turkey out of the freezer today! Dry brining as I always do, so he needs to be prepped Tuesday night. My mom’s doing most of the final shopping today, but I’ll grab the last things (fresh herbs, jalapenos for the cranberry chutney, the vanilla I keep forgetting to buy) during our regular grocery shop tomorrow.

    4. Merci Dee*

      We’re getting ready for Thanksgiving this weekend, and we, too, are doing an alternative menu. My dad asked my mom to make her homemade lasagna for Thanksgiving this year, and I am soooooo excited. My mom’s lasagna is absolutely amazing, but it’s been years since she made it. She uses, like, 5 different kinds of cheese and the most amazing meat sauce.

      Since mom’s handling the main dish, kiddo and I are taking care of everything else. Dad asked us to keep it simple, so we’re going with a mixed salad, some Texas toast, and something for dessert. We initially tossed out the idea of peach cobbler with ice cream, but I’m thinking now that we’ll stay with the Italian theme and make a tiramisu. First time I’ve ever made that, so I’m scoping out recipes. I’m looking forward to making a new dessert and seeing how it turns out! I had great success with last year’s homemade cranberry relish with Granny Smith apples and Grand Marnier, so I’m hoping the tiramisu turns out equally delicious.

      Here’s the cranberry relish recipe I used last year, if anyone is looking for a good recipe. It calls for either Cointreau or Grand Marnier, and I went with the GM because it was a little less expensive. But the results were phenomenal. Don’t forget to pick over your bag of cranberries before you start cooking them. One bad, smooshy berry can ruin the whole batch. Also, if you’re trying to stay away from alcohol, you can squeeze the orange and lemon that you use for the zest, and add enough water to the juices to make up for the half cup of spirits.

      _____________

      Combine one 12-ounce bag cranberries, 1 diced peeled Granny Smith apple, 1 cup sugar, 1/2 cup Cointreau or Grand Marnier, 1/2 cup water and 1/4 teaspoon each ground cinnamon and cloves in a saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer until the berries start to pop, about 10 minutes. Off the heat, stir in the grated zest of 1 each lemon and orange; chill.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That’s pretty much exactly how I’ve done my cranberry sauce in the past, with the juice instead of the booze – you can crockpot it too, on low, if that saves you any hassle.

      2. Ali G*

        Lasagne is a great idea! We actually thought about it too, but I had this beautiful 3 lb whole beef tenderloin in the freezer and I couldn’t resist.

        1. Merci Dee*

          My mom’s going to make the lasagna on Wednesday and let it sit in the fridge overnight so we can re-heat on Thursday. Her recipe is fabulous any time you eat it, but it’s phenomenal on the second day. So I’m really looking forward to Thanksgiving lunch this year. :P~~~~ (drool, drool, drool)

    5. Zephy*

      I’m on pie duty this year! Apple and pecan were requested. I like to spiralize my apples rather than chop them into big chunks for apple pie; I feel like you get more apple per bite and the pieces cook much more evenly. I thought about getting vanilla ice cream to serve with, but given that it’s Thanksgiving, that feels a bit like gilding the (delicious) lily. And they’ll be served cold, anyway.

      I’m also taking over Grandma’s corn pudding, which is midcentury American “Cooking” at its finest: combine four canned foods in a dish and bake it, there u go good job u cooked. (For the curious: one box Jiffy cornbread mix, 1 can whole-kernel corn, 1 can creamed corn, 8oz sour cream. 350 for 30 minutes IIRC. It’s delicious but it also feels like cheating, lol.)

      1. GoryDetails*

        Zephy, I love your line about “midcentury American “Cooking” at its finest: combine four canned foods in a dish and bake it” – I recall so many church-social casseroles that fit this precisely! But I admit I am now really craving that corn pudding… it wasn’t among my family’s traditional dishes (we went more for the things that required condensed mushroom soup). I may give it a try!

        1. Zephy*

          Grandma submitted her corn pudding “recipe” to the church cookbook, which is full of similar things. So, you know, very on-brand.

          You should definitely make it. It keeps a good long while in the fridge, reheats well but also tastes just as good cold. The creamed corn and sour cream help to mitigate the natural inclination of the cornbread to crumble if you look at it too hard.

    7. LQ*

      I got assigned some kind of dessert. I decided with 10 out of the 35 people bringing desserts which we will be eating AFTER we go to a buffet where they will have desserts. I’m bringing something I’m going to love. Little tiny 2 bite cranberry-apple tarts, free form and very tart. I spent a bunch of time fussing about should I make a frosting or something to sweeten them up but decided, screw it. This way if I have leftovers I will have no concern about taking them home and having them with tea for the next 3 days. :)

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m going to my inlaws and have been asked to bring salad. I’m also going to attempt mamoul (a molded Syrian cookie). I decided not to try and surprise my MIL, I asked her for her favorite recipe.
      But I grew up with an Italian sister in law and was already getting nostalgic for her lasagna when Glove&Boots popped up in my feed talking about Italian-American Thanksgiving…. link in the reply.

      2. Ali G*

        I’m doing a simple salad: spinach and mixed greens, red onion, granny smith apple, pepitas (I would use nuts but I have a tree nut allergy), and maybe some sort of cheese. Homemade dressing – pretty much lemon juice, olive oil, dried parsley, garlic, salt & pepper. It’s pretty innocuous!

  40. Anonymous today :(*

    So, this is a super embarrassing problem for me. Certainly not life threatening or anything and I’m ashamed to even be so emotional about this, because I have so much to be grateful for, otherwise. I have female pattern baldness on the top of my head for the last ten years or so. All my life, my hair has been my crowning glory. I have been working with a dermatologist who prescribed fineasteride, which hasn’t grown new hair, but kept the thinning in check for the last couple of years. Wearing my hair in a certain way has kept my scalp concealed until now. This summer has been super stressful for me, though. I injured myself, which is taking a long time to heal, my SO got devastating news about his health and I’m overwhelmed at the office. I noticed a few weeks ago that my crown seems to be thinning again. It’s getting harder to cover the shiny scalp. My hairdresser is very kind and tells me this is a super common condition among women, but I’m just really bummed. I just had my annual physical with my GP, so I don’t think there is anything seriously wrong with me. I have an appointment with my dermatologist in a month (he is booked this time of year) to see if there is anything else I can do. I’m not holding my breath. Two years ago, he said the drug I’m on is kind of the last resort. Any other women have this condition? What did you do? Wigs? So superficial, I know and my dear husband is so supportive, but this really sucks.

    1. anon too*

      I have the same problem. You are not alone! I saw a few dermatologists (hoping to get a different answer…) but in the end, really all they suggested was Rogaine. I tried the generic version of Rogaine foam, but it eventually made my scalp so itchy that I had to discontinue it (on the plus side, the foam seemed to dye my hair?? I only had a few gray hairs, but they all disappeared!)

      Back at the dermatologist, they said people often reacted differently to other Rogaine formulations, so I tried the liquid generic version, and that’s what I’ve been using the last few years. I buy the men’s formation but just use it once a day rather than twice as a man would. No itchiness (and no gray hair cover-up, alas), and it seems to have stopped the visible thinning. My hair didn’t really grow back but now my hair just looks thin and limp rather than balding, so I’ll take it.

      But it’s really frustrating. I already decided I would have to get a really good wig if the Rogaine stops working. Options are limited. Men can just shave their head and go around like that as a last resort but I’m not sure I can.

      1. Anonymous today :(*

        Thanks for your kind comments! I feel so vain being so upset by this. I tried romaine, both the women’s and men’s versions, but all they do is make my hair greasy. And I had the itchiness problem, too. So glad I am not alone.

        1. anon too*

          Did you try different formulations? The liquid version (5% solution – NOT the foam) is what I use now, and it does not make me itchy. And it seems to have helped my hair actually grow back a bit, not just stop the thinning.

          I’m not usually vain at all but I was also really upset by this. Even now i don’t talk to anyone about it except a few very very close friends. So i totally get how you feel!! I hope you find something that helps.

    2. MMB*

      I don’t have any personal experience with this problem but Wendy at dearwendy has a rare form of alopecia and there’s quite a bit of information about it in one of her posts as well as a few discussions with other readers experiencing the same thing if you’d like to try multiple resources.

    3. Reba*

      I am so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of everything else. I don’t have alopecia, but looking at my family, I know there’s a good chance this is in my future. I worry about it because I am really vain about my hair :) Best wishes for finding a treatment.

    4. Anon today too*

      I have this. My derm prescribed spironolactone. I just started taking it so not sure yet how it will work. He also said rogaine works better for women but I haven’t tried that yet. I am not sure why but the idea of rogaine makes me nervous.

      1. Anonymous today :(*

        Maybe I will have that option given to me when I see the dermatologist next month. I’ll get reading up on that drug!

        1. Anon today too*

          I hope you find something that works! Just as a side note, I see an endocrinologist for a different reason and he also cosigned the spironolactone for hair loss. Figured I should mention that because it affects hormones they might have an endocrinologist sign off on it too.

    5. Anon Here*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this! Friends of mine have gotten into wigs and hair extensions. It would probably take some experimenting to find something comfortable and decent quality, but changing up your hair color every day could be fun.

      1. Anonymous today :(*

        Oh yeah. Thyroid is normal. But good suggestion. Maybe there could be another reason that the dr will suggest testing for.

    7. coffee cup*

      My friend Emma runs a blog called Lady Alopecia. It’s well worth checking out. She’s awesome, and she’s bound to have some advice and resources for you.

    8. Filosofickle*

      Oh, that sounds stressful for you. It’s ok to be emotional!

      Right now there’s a rising “body positivity” movement. I dearly hope this idea expands beyond weight and into other appearance aspects like skin and hair. We all feel so judged in the world about things we can’t control, when what we all need most is to feel beautiful just as we are.

      1. Anonymous today :(*

        This is so kind! Yes, we really do need to accept people (and ourselves) how we are. I needed this.

    9. Zephy*

      I’ve struggled with thinning hair for probably the last 15 years or so. Last year for Christmas, an esthetician friend of the family gifted me a year’s supply of a supplement called Viviscal Pro. My hair is still pretty thin–definitely not as thick as it was when I was young–but it’s visibly less so than it was at the beginning of 2019. I don’t know if that’s an option available to you, but you might ask your derm or your GP about it, see what they think.

      1. Anonymous today :(*

        I’ve never heard of this. I will definitely ask him about using it! Your experience with it is encouraging.

    10. Relly*

      This isn’t superficial. Don’t judge yourself so harshly. You love your hair, and you’re losing it. Allow yourself space to grieve that.

      (Also, my hair is my one good feature. If I were losing it, I would seriously Not Be Okay. So have some sympathy and Jedi hugs from me, if either of those are welcome.)

    11. WS*

      I presume the GP did full blood panels? I was severely hypothyroid and my very thick hair first stopped growing and then started falling out. Estrogen and testosterone levels can also be relevant.

      1. Natalie*

        A good friend’s thinning hair turned out to be caused by her previously undiagnosed Celiac disease.

    12. M*

      I had thinning hair at the temples (my doctor said it was “traction alopecia”) and had good results from daily doses of Biotin and Rogaine (I bought it at Walmart and it was pretty affordable).

    13. ...*

      Taking the Viviscal supplement helped me deal with a crazy bout of shedding. Also fish oil supplement. The Regenepure system also seemed to help with my scalp irritation. I’m not sure if your scalp is irritated but it might help? Other than that people say simple Minodoxil is really the best to help. Those are my suggestions I hope they help.

      1. Anonymous today :(*

        I am going to look this supplement up! Thank you all for your kind comments. I feel so much better knowing there are people out there who get my sadness at losing my hair. It doesn’t always bother me too badly, but sometimes I have “hair mares” where I’ve lost most of it and it puts me in a bad mood all day. I am encouraged that there may be some new therapies available when I see the dr next month. Thanks again kind people!

    14. LuJessMin*

      I have alopecia, and have worn wigs for nearly 30 years. There are a lot of really nice ones out there that aren’t terribly expensive (I just bought a new one for less than $200).

    15. Take control*

      Have you thought about shaving off your hair and going bald intentionally ?

      Taking control of your hair loss that way might be good for your mental health. Depending on how your friends and colleagues react. Donating your hair to someone who makes wings for cancer patients, if that’s an option, gives you a way to explain what happened without mentioning your hair loss, mitigating some hostile reactions.

      And a wig remains an option if you change your mind later.

      1. Anonymous today :(*

        Shaving my head might be too extreme for me, but boy, if I were the type who wanted to stand out (I definitely am not), that’s the way I’d go! You did give me a chuckle, though. I work in a very conservative industry. But, yeah I do need to get a handle on accepting this condition and making the best of it.

        Seriously, though, there are people who do lose their hair because of horrible illness instead of stupid genetics/menopause, whatever. I actually donated a two-foot long braid of my hair to Locks of Love when I was younger and had my below waist length hair cut as a young woman.

        Thanks to all who gave such gentle advice and suggestions. I don’t feel so alone.

    16. Jdc*

      Even my hairdresser has this. She’s doing an new thing where they use your plasma and next into your scalp. Perhaps worth looking into. It’s not silly. I don’t have the baldness but very thin hair and I’m very self conscious about it. You don’t have to be a supermodel but we all want to feel good. They do make toppers as well just for this. Not a full wig you just clip it on top.

    17. Courageous cat*

      I have a rare form of alopecia that presents like yours does. Get a scalp biopsy – you treat different kinds of alopecia differently. My hair has always been the love of my life so it’s been a very difficult time for me, but I’m holding out hope that I’ll get rich enough to afford a hair transplant one day.

  41. Back Scrubber*

    I thought someone posted on the open thread a few weeks/months ago about some kind of fabric thing to use in the shower, to get all the hard to reach spots. It was specifically mentioned as something that also dried out in between uses.

    I am probably using all the wrong keywords, but I haven’t been able to find this post in the search! Does anyone remember it and can send me a link? Or does anyone have any specific suggestions?

    We were using a back scrubbing brush that we leave in the shower but I just realized it stinks like mold/mildew, so that has to go. We also have a problem with towels getting stinky with the same smell so we really need something that will dry out fully in between uses, and can be tossed into the washing machine weekly. Please save us from the stink!

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Do you knit or crochet? I recently made myself a back scrubber using Scrubbie Sparkle yarn. It’s really just a long strip about six inches wide, and I added loops at the ends for hanging. I ball it up in my hand for places other than my back.

      It turned out much softer when wet than I expected from the feel of the yarn in the skein. Since it’s loosely knit, rather than tightly woven, it dries quickly. Maybe that’s being 100% polyester rather than cotton? Anyway, it goes through the washing machine just fine, though I think polyester is less likely to mildew than plant fibers like cotton or loofah.

      If you don’t knit or crochet, I think you could make a braid with a lot of strands of the yarn.

    3. WellRed*

      I posted a year ago about what to get my mom. Ended up finding a scrubber thing with a cushion that I believe can be tossed into washer. For your towels, if they are mildewed you might need to replace. But sometimes it’s not mildew, but cheap detergent that leaves a similar smell.

      1. Filosofickle*

        These are good! Japanese exfoliator towel thingies. They don’t hold water at all, so much less icky.

      2. NewReadingGlasses*

        Ah! I have one of these. It’s completely synthetic, doesn’t hold water. Just rinse it well after use, maybe flick it around to fling some water out (wringing it doesn’t do anything, it’s not squishy).

    6. Sometimes Always Never*

      It sounds like you need more ventilation in your bathroom. Is a bathroom fan a possibility? Or a small dehumidifier? A drier bathroom is easier to keep clean, your towels and the scrubber thing won’t get mildewed, and likely healthier, too. But I’ve rented some apartments where there wasn’t much I could do, and I think it affected my asthma.

    7. IntoTheSarchasm*

      That was me but I believe someone else provided the name – Salux. I buy them from Amazon. I think the different colors are different levels of exfoliating power but I can’t tell the difference and all packaging is in Japanese. They soften up over time but are not expensive. I use them with regular liquid soap.

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I have had good luck getting funk out of my towels by soaking them in vinegar (and then rinsing them out with water) before washing them. (I don’t know what the funk specifically was, but I think it came home on my hands from a hotel where the hand towels in my bathroom smelled a certain way, because my home towels took on the same aroma after that convention. A solid round of vinegar seems to have cleared it up, except that I then re-infected everything a month or two later because I forgot about a certain towel the first time around. Second time’s the charm.)

      If your bathroom has poor ventilation, you can also make a habit of taking your towels out of the bathroom to dry. Make sure everything is dry enough not to drip, and you can spread them on a drying rack in a different room (or out on a patio) instead.

      Personally, I’ve invested in a big pile of cheap washcloths, so I can use a fresh one each day and still do laundry only once a week. 7 or 8 washcloths rather than 1 aren’t enough to be the tipping point for needing to run another load of laundry in my particular case, so it was basically a “free” upgrade in terms of ongoing costs once I’d spent the initial $20 or so buying a bunch of washcloths on sale. (Someone will probably have a good deal a multi-pack of washcloths over the holiday season.)

  42. Foila*

    Hi there hive mind, I’m hoping someone out there has relevant experience:
    I’m going to a stadium concert in June, but it’s not in a stadium, it sounds more like a sports field. I’ve never been to an event like this before, how does it work? If I show up early is there any way to reserve spots in the…field? How do I not lose my buddy? How much jostling should I expect? I don’t mind, but if it’s a lot I’d wear contacts so I don’t lose my glasses.
    Thanks!

    1. WellRed*

      Is it general admission or reserved seating? Is it a band that attracts a young group of crowd surfers or a more sedate audience? Is it likely to be sold out or a sparser crowd. Will it be really hot or is the temp more moderate where you are?

      1. Foila*

        It’s general admission. This is a band that routinely sells out 40k seats, though I can’t tell if this venue is that big. It’s in a smaller city that I guess doesn’t have a stadium, so the venue is not usually used for concerts. Definitely some crowd surfing! I don’t expect it to be too hot, it’s in Northern Europe.

        1. WellRed*

          The closer to the stage, the tighter it gets. Make sure you and buddy are on same page about how close you want to be. Have a place to meet up afterwards in the event you do get separated. Hold onto each other if moving through a crowd. Stay hydrated. Wear your contacts. Most important: have fun. warning: If you are female, you may be groped (sorry, but best be prepared). Signed, former stadium rock chick.

      2. Lemonish*

        If you’re willing to stand more to the side than the centre, you’ll possibly have the best of both worlds in that you can get fairly close while still being not entirely hemmed in. The downside is that you lose some visibility of a section of the stage. And you sometimes can actually feel the pulse of the bass until the sound gets balanced (this is a plus for some, a minus for others :)).

        Also, you can Google the venue and its standing/pitch capacity so you get an idea of what to expect.

        1. Foila*

          Thanks, that makes a lot of sense! That might be the strategy for us. Bass is good! If you queue earlier do you get more choice about where to stand?

          My googling of this venue has been weirdly uninformative, unless you want to use it for soccer practice.

          1. Sam I Am*

            If it’s general admission and without seating, you can stand wherever you want, but the closer to the stage the more tightly packed it will be as other attendees come in. If it’s GA with seats, then you’ll be able to protect your space somewhat.
            I don’t really like the crush of being close to the stage, but have wanted to check out some acts up close and personal, so I’ll go in early, get close, stay there for as long as I like, then move back or to the side where there’s more space; I like to be able to dance and a tight crowd can make that tough. Moving to the side, away from the center line, will give you more space but take away from the symmetrical view of the stage. Depends on what you like. Have fun!

  43. Lauren*

    I’m going to Toronto next week! I want to go to the Royal Ontario museum, Kensington market, Chinatown, Thomas Fisher Rare Book Library, and some other places. Is there anything else that I should see? Also, any food recommendations are appreciated as well!

    1. spock*

      I really liked the Bata Shoe Museum. The Lockhart would be a fun bar to visit if you like Harry Potter. And if you have time, a day trip to Niagra Falls is worth it any time of year imo, I went when it was like -15c and still had a blast.

      1. Felicia*

        I was going to recommend Storm Crow Manor if you’re any kind of nerd and their butterbeer is the best in the city.

    2. Kira*

      Powwow in Kensington market has delicious food! Mother’s Dumplings in Chinatown. High Park is beautiful. Roncesvalles is a great strip to walk around (and near High Park).

    3. Toronto Lover*

      The Art Gallery of Ontario is an absolute must! The Bata Shoe Museum is a real treat. For food, I recommend The Carbon Bar on Queen Street. I still dream about the Tomato Mushroom Ragout and Grits!

    4. Felicia*

      Casa Loma because it feels like a castle and itll be all decorated for Christmas! Also the Distillery district for general fun place reason and their really cool Christmas market that’s on now.

    5. Ra94*

      I stayed in the Trinity Bellwoods area when I visited Toronto this summer and loved how much there was to do. Had a really great meal and beer at the Bellwoods Brewery, and Bang Bang was worth the wait for earl grey ice cream in a bubble waffle.

    6. Els*

      We went to Toronto in September, and there were some nice restaurants and a pub in Elm street. I liked particularly the Elm Tree restaurant. For coffee there is Jimmy’s (after Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hendrix, or whichever Jim you like). If the wheather is nice, you can take a ferry to Toronto Island and you will have a marvelous view of the Toronto skyline. If you need to relax and destress: visit the aquarium in the evening.

    7. Tomacco*

      Do you cook or will you be staying somewhere with a kitchen? If so, the St. Lawrence Market is a good place to visit. The Toronto Christmas Market in the Distillery District is open too, if that’s a holiday that you celebrate. (Avoid Friday nights). Grab a Now Magazine (or look it up online) for weekly listings. If you like films, the TIFF Bell Lightbox is a really nice place to watch movies (excellent sound etc.) If the weather is nice and you’d like to walk around a bit a walk around Cabbagetown is nice: it’s a neighbourhood of restored Victorian/Edwardian houses and cottages, with a lovely cemetery (The Necropolis) and a farm (Riverdale Farm). If the weather is cold enough there’s good skating at Nathan Philips Square, Harbourfront and The Bentway. There may also be stuff to do down in the Don Valley at the Evergreen Brickworks. If you’re in the Chintatown area and need to warm up inside for a bit you could grab coffee or a bite to eat and then check out the shops and galleries in the 401 Richmond building. The Junction is one of my favourite neighbourhoods: good shops, bars, cafes (The Sidekick is a comic book shop/cafe that opened up) etc.

      Some completely random food recommendations at places my friends and I like to go to:
      True True Diner
      The Caledonian (Scottish gastro pub with a fantastic Scotch selection and tasting flights)
      Santouku Ramen
      Manpuku (tasty, super cheap Japanese eats next to the Art Gallery of Ontario)
      Rasta Pasta (Jamaican Italian food in Kensington, very few seats)
      Bar Isabel
      Maha’s Egyptian Brunch
      SoSo Supper Club
      Le Swan

  44. Rebecca*

    Happy Saturday from sunny but cold Central PA! I’m spending my morning unf***ing my habitat, doing laundry, etc. and enjoying my cats, who never run out of silly things to do that amuse me. Last weekend I visited my daughter and son in law, it was SO NICE to get away!

    I’m starting to poke around up on my floor in the storage areas to see what I can find, OMG, what a mess…every closet, drawer, closet, storage space is filled with, well, stuff. Just random stuff. Drawers full of mom’s “notebooks”, handwritten notes, medical stuff, pamphlets from the 1970’s and 1980’s about whatever health woo was popular then, bill copies from decades ago, endless wicker baskets for flower arrangements (she gave that up over 25 years ago), old fabric, patterns, etc. I’d love to get a dumpster and just start dumping, but she won’t let me get rid of anything, but at the same time, she’s all “I have so much to do, I want out of here, I can’t leave until this mess is taken care of”, but she just spins her wheels, dithers, and does nothing. Whatever – I’m over it, and just going to control what I can control.

    So – I did find my Dad’s high school football letter sweater, his high school diploma, and I know where his yearbook is. I hope to frame it somehow or put it in some sort of keepsake box. I found a few other things too, like his original social security card. I’m going to put these things together in one spot as I gather them so I can keep a few things as momentos.

    And, I discovered how the light post in the yard was wired – literally, there is a heavy wire coming through the wall in the garage underneath the house, and Dad put in an outlet to plug it in manually. I bought a wifi outlet adapter so if I want to turn on the light, I don’t have to go to a dark corner of the garage to plug it in. I’m going to clean the glass and upgrade the light bulb from the dim 40 watt bulb that Mom allowed years ago to something brighter. I really feel a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me think of how ingenious Dad was, I mean, some of the things weren’t the easiest to figure out, but he got the job done. And thanks to my neighbor for her help with troubleshooting the motion detector light outside, too. It works again! I thought we’d have to replace it, and it probably should be updated to an LED and/or solar option, but for now, it’s nice to have a light pop on when I pull into the driveway.

    My 40th high school class reunion is coming up next year, so I joined the planning committee, found all 6 yearbooks from 7th – 12th grade, and updated my profile on our class’s website. It was nice to see old friends! Plus, it gives me something to think about, reconnect with old friends, maybe meet new ones, that type of thing.

    Hope everyone is well – I’m not liking the “dark days” but candles and lights help quite a bit! I ordered candles from Bath and Body works on Oct 20, they’re still not here, the arrival date keeps moving out, and the tracking number doesn’t track on the UPS site. I left them a 1 star review and said, either get these to me or cancel the order and refund my card. Maybe that will get someone’s attention.

    Other than the mama drama, everything else is good. My divorce has been final for 1 year now, and I am so much happier and more relaxed. It’s like I can exhale now.

    1. Enough*

      Re: mom’s stuff. Could you just remove one item at a time? It obviously would take forever but even 1 or 2 items less over time would be helpful.

      1. Rebecca*

        I think that’s a good idea. I need to just start moving things from upstairs to the basement, and when I take the next load of stuff to the landfill, toss it in.

        1. Anonymous*

          And also, assuming your mom doesn’t go upstairs (on your floor) anymore , can you just fill a couple upstairs wastebaskets with old papers (brochures, old bills etc.) each week, and just quietly add them to the weekly trash bag?

          2. Seeking Second Childhood*

            You’ll be doing her quite a favor if you find things like stock purchase records (before dot.com bust, that was the only record of your capital investment ), warranties, or receipts for major home improvements (are those still deductible when you sell a house?)

      2. All Hail Queen Sally*

        This is how we cleaned out my parent’s garage. My father was a hoarder (limited to the garage) and neither one was healthy enough to go out there due to mobility issues. It took forever, but they never noticed.

      3. Filosofickle*

        It’s worth a try. OTOH, I did that when visiting my grandmother (just before her dementia got so bad we had to move her) and she noticed and complained to my parents about it. Yes, I threw out some five-year old magazines stacked up in the laundry room while she was sleeping. I regret nothing!

    2. Dan*

      RE: the divorce thing

      Happy to hear that’s done with and you’re happy. (It’s a relief, isn’t it?) Apparently my ex is up to her old tricks, and the debt collector has been calling various family members of mine inquiring about her potential where-abouts.

      The one who called me last week needed to “discuss a business matter” with her (debt collectors are allowed to call people who know you, but they cannot say they are collecting a debt.) In my best “oh you poor thing” tone of voice that I could muster, I said, “I wish you the best of luck.” I was surprised when she said “thank you” and hung up. I expected a little bit more prodding.

      1. Rebecca*

        It is a relief! I expect the same thing with debt collectors at some point. It’s already happened a few times, and I just said “no idea, we’re divorced, so I can’t help you” and hung up. Glad I know about the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act.

    3. Anon time*

      For the candles, I’d follow up directly with the company. I’m sure they have a customer service number. Leaving a review unfortunately doesn’t seem like it does anything- I think typically those divisions aren’t really connected. Good luck!

    4. Mimmy*

      Is it possible the candles are on backorder and it’s taking them longer than expected to rebuild inventory? Agree with Anon Time, though, that you should call the place directly.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thanks Mimmy and Anon Time – I emailed Customer service back on the original “oh hey, your order shipped” email. I said, you know, it’s been a month, this is sort of ridiculous, you charged my card, where are my candles? Got an email back – in less than 12 hours, stating that another order is on its way to me.

        I suspect something got “stuck” someplace in the system, a UPS label was lost, probably a human shipping error. There’s probably someone out there with 4 odd aroma candles saying “I didn’t order this?? Where is my hand soap??”

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a high five on the divorce-aversary. Yours was the first story line I followed on here, and you were so inspirational. I am sending you empowering hugs. And memorizing the debt collector info.
      I’m thinking that a stack underneath laundry in the basket every trip to the basement, wouldn’t be bad either. And, of course, if you shred some of “your” bills and stuff, it’s nearly impossible to identify as actually being from 1963, unless the paper is yellowed. LOL. I recently spent a couple hours shredding checks that pre-dated our relationship, and a file cabinet of invoice documentation from his small business from
      1991. Fun times.

  45. Tabby Baltimore*

    I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but, judging from the photos I’ve seen of the cats over the last several months, I have to say that it looks like Wallace really loves his mom.

    2. Windchime*

      I thought the same thing when I saw the picture. They look so cuddly together and it looks like he is now bigger than her.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        He’s now the biggest cat in the house! The other three are all nine pounds and he is 12 pounds (and I think still filling out). It has definitely helped him feel more confident around Eve, because he’s figured out he could take her.

  46. Parenthetically*

    Thanksgiving menu thread! For those who are celebrating, whatcha makin?

    We stick with simple and classic: turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, Brussels, cranberry relish, rolls, pumpkin pie and pecan pie. We are all very good in the kitchen so they’re all versions as superlative as we can make them.

    How about you?

    2. Not A Manager*

      Mushroom pate, turkey and gravy, two kinds of stuffing, two kinds of cranberry sauce, spinach souffle, candied yams. We are going nuts with the homemade desserts this year: pumpkin pie (can’t stand it myself), apple custard tart, cherry pie, ginger ice cream, peppermint ice cream, salted caramel ice cream, chocolate fudge sauce.

      This is because my husband and I both love to cook, and everyone in the family has some traditional thing that they are insistent on.

        1. Not A Manager*

          The apple custard tart comes from Mastering the Art of French cooking. You blind bake the crust, put the seasoned apples into it and bake them a little bit, and then pour over a custard mix that is basically cream, sugar, an egg and some flour. Bake until custard puffs.

          My husband make a cranberry sauce that is frozen sweet cherries, marsala, cranberries, and rosemary. The recipe is on Epicurious.

          The other cranberry dish is really a relish. I think the recipe is on the back of the Ocean Spray bag. It’s a bag of cranberries, some sugar, and a seedless orange. Grind it all up in a food processor. (I actually peel the zest off in strips, and then cut the pith off the flesh and discard the pith, using only the zest and the orange flesh. Otherwise the relish is sometimes bitter.) I think people sometimes put in almonds or liqueurs, but I never have.

          If you’d like any of the recipes posted on here, let me know.

          2. Parenthetically*

            Thank you! The apples this year have been particularly nice so I may do that one for a post thanksgiving dessert!

            I make a similar cranberry relish based on a recipe of my grandmother’s and it’s gorgeous. Cranberries, toasted pecans, a whole Meyer lemon (seeded), and a whole mandarin, plus sugar.

        2. Auntie Social*

          We have cheater’s cranberries. The local posh grocery does beautiful fresh cranberries. I add 18 oz jar of Smucker’s orange marmalade. Sooooo perfect. I’ve never told the in-laws what my secret is, and they think I’ve been cooking for days. Great-grandfather was Dr. Jeter (very close to cheater) so they think it’s an old family recipe. Ha!

      3. Ali G*

        Can you share the recipe for mushroom pate? I would love to have that on hand for my veggie friends (not vegan). Your menu is awesome!

    4. Zephy*

      Our usual spread includes a turkey, probably ham and/or lamb; mashed potatoes; green beans with slivered almonds; cranberry sauce; stuffing; corn pudding; some cheap-ass rolls brown-n-serve rolls; a jello salad of some kind; deviled eggs; roasted root vegetables; date-nut bread; and an assortment of pies. I’m on pie duty, bringing apple and pecan to the party. I also get to make the corn pudding this year.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Oh corn pudding! If we were having more guests, that would be the next dish. (And we’re doing Rhodes rolls, just one small step up from cheap-ass!)

    5. Clisby*

      Making nothing. We’re driving down to Gainesville, FL to spend Thanksgiving with our graduate-student daughter. She’s ordered most of the dinner from Whole Foods and is making a few things. We’re bringing beer, wine, soft drinks and planet-crushing paper plates, etc., so there’s almost no washing up afterward. We’ll also get to see our niece, who’s stationed with the Air Force in Florida.

      We volunteered to take everybody out to a restaurant with a good Thanksgiving buffet, but my daughter wanted leftovers – so Whole Foods it is.

        1. Jdc*

          Whole Foods for lunch is like heaven for me. Their cakes are so gorgeous. So miss living where is a Whole Foods.

    6. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Gluten free dairy free brownies, chocolate chip pumpkin bread, Mac & cheese, slow-cooker chili

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t know–it’ll be at my brother’s house probably. I don’t have a kitchen currently, and without my stuff (cookbooks, pans, etc.) I can’t think of anything to make.

      I could just bring some cheap ass rolls, lol.

    8. Ali G*

      We are doing a non-traditional menu this year:
      French onion soup
      Beef Wellington
      Roasted brussel sprouts
      Mashed potatoes
      Spinach salad (pepitas, onion, cheese, homemade dressing)
      Take and bake cheap ass rolls
      My MIL brings apple cake for dessert
      My SIL brings shrimp cocktail and deviled egg for apps

    9. LuJessMin*

      My sister and I are having a low-tech Dinner – roast chicken from Sam’s, instant mashed potatoes, jarred gravy, canned cranberry sauce, pie from Village Inn.

    10. Anon time*

      Making cranberry chutney with garlic, ginger, and shallots. Kinda want to add jalapeno but there are little kids so probably skipping that this year.

      Also green bean casserole, a yummy version using frozen green beans, baby bella mushrooms, and an easy cream sauce (using milk & cream cheese), and of course those classic fried onions. It’s from Budget Bytes and is delicious!

      And finally, steaming some green beans and pan frying them to finish with olive oil, garlic, sprinkle of lemon, almonds. That’s an alternative to the casserole since we have a couple dairy free people.

      If we didn’t have a young kid and I had more time I’d do more (we’ve made a gravy in the past from Ina garten with sage and onions that was super involved, and delicious, and I also love making roasted potatoes using the method of boiling them, bashing them about a bit, and then roasting them so there are plenty of crispy bits).. but no time this year. Maybe eventually!

    11. nonegiven*

      Turkey, dressing, giblet gravy, ice box rolls, deviled eggs, chocolate cream meringue pie, and raisin cream meringue pie.
      I’m also nuking ready made mashed potatoes and opening cans of corn, green beans, sweet potatoes, and cranberry sauce.
      I’ll pick up some salad mix and tomato. Mom is bringing fruit salad and some kind of pie or cobbler.

    1. Princesa Zelda*

      It was great! The best moment for me was Ez’s reaction to Callum and Reyla on the Spire. “Whaaaaa” indeed.

  48. Gifts for the Middle-Aged*

    My husband has asked for a juicer for Christmas. Any one have any recommendations? What sort of features do you consider crucial?

    My husband loves gadgets and smoothies, so I guess that’s why he wants a juicer. I think he’ll use it about 3 times max, so if anyone has any brilliant ideas for going in a different gift direction, I am all ears. (Last year, I got him tickets to see his favourite band and also tickets to see a comedy troupe he enjoys, but sadly I haven’t seen any concert/show announcements he’d enjoy.)

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      You can literally have mine! Got as a wedding registry gift (a super nice one from Williams Sonoma). We have used it maybe 4 times in 6 years of marriage. It just takes up space. I think it’s a Breville.

      1. Gifts for the Middle Aged*

        That’s exactly what I’m concerned about!

        I might need to find the sweet spot between functionality and low price because this just does not seem like a regularly usable gift.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          A really good blender or food processor could be good? I feel like there are juicer attachments for food processors and maybe for the kitchen aid mixer? The kitchen aid is something I use all the time!

    2. Cruciatus*

      Are there juicers that are also something else? Like a food processor/juicer or juicer/blender? This would obviously only be useful if one or both of you would use the other half but if he stopped making juice then maybe you’d still at least be able to make hummus or milkshakes.

      If you’re still looking to go another direction can you get him an experience? Rock climbing, escape room, murder mystery, ax throwing, awesome restaurant gift certificate? Or maybe a subscription box to something (snacks, shaving, murder box–there are even tech subscription boxes, but this may not be the direction you want to go!)

      1. Gifts for the Middle Aged*

        Funny enough, he’s just after buying me a Cuisinart Food Processor. *facepalm* I don’t think it does juices though.

        Thanks for reminding me about general experiences. I am going to have to give that one some thought. I’ve gotten him a snack subscription for a birthday before and he loved that.

  49. Notinstafamous*

    Any good Christmas movie recommendations? Planning a movie marathon next weekend. Have seen Love Actually, Elf, and the Holiday too many times to count and need other options! Have all of the standard streaming services.

    1. WellRed*

      Christmas Story. Christmas Vacation. Christmas with the Cranks. Can you tell I have real high brow tastes?

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I second Christmas Story, it’s not really Christmas season until I hear “Daddy’s gonna kill Ralphie” and my favorite movie mom soothing him.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        So is Gremlins. :)
        For serious Christmas movies, I’m all about the original “Miracle on 30th Street.”

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Serious nesting fail, this was in response to Sprechenzietalk’s Die Hard recommendation.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas… if you have kids. Man that played non-stop on HBO back in the day…

    5. Merci Dee*

      I really like the animated Disney’s
      A Christmas Carol that Jim Carrey did all the voices for. The animation for the movie is just amazing, and it’s always spooky to me when Ebenezer is sitting alone in his room at night, hears commotion coming up the stairs…. and then Marley throws his ghostly chains through the walls of the chamber, and Scrooge sees just what is in store for him if he doesn’t change his ways.

      I love A Christmas Carol, anyway. It’s such a classic.

    6. All Hail Queen Sally*

      My traditional favoites:
      A Christmas Carol (1951 Alastair Sim version)
      Christmas in Connecticut (1945 Barbara Stanwyk version)
      Miracle on 34th Street (1947 Maureen O’Hara version)
      More recent favorites (all romances):
      The Christmas Card (2006)
      A Boyfriend for Christmas (2003)
      If You Believe (1999)
      Hitched for the Holidays (2012)

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I got to see his one-man show on Broadway …. probably my favorite theater performance I’ve ever seen.

      3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I think the Christmas Carol-adjacent one I’ve seen the most times is Scrooged, but I haven’t seen it in over a decade so I can’t verify that it’s aged well.

        My family’s go-to favorite Christmas special is A Claymation Christmas Celebration, but I have no idea if that’s available streaming. Growing up, we watched it as a taped-off-the-air Beta tape, and at some point a DVD version was released and we upgraded to that. It’s mostly religious-Christmas rather than secular-Christmas if that’s an issue for you – it’s a bunch of animated shorts of various Christmas songs, most of which are traditional carols and thus religious in nature (things like We Three Kings or Joy to the World). It’s not actively preachy and my atheist father loves it and watches it every year, though.

        Other common Christmas specials to re-watch around here are the Peanuts special and the Garfield special. We have both of those on DVD after upgrading from the over-the-air Beta tapes at some point as well so I have no idea if they’re available streaming.

        Given access to lots of streaming services, you could also try and string together Christmas Episodes of various TV shows if that sounds fun to you. I can’t think of any particularly good ones offhand, though.

    10. Lizabeth*

      The three Grinch movies?
      Original Grinch animated show
      Jim Carry Grinch live action, lots of fun…
      Animated Grinch with Benedict Cumberbatch as the Grinch

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Definitely A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and Die Hard if you can find it. But I also always watch Edward Scissorhands.

    13. Earthwalker*

      I save reruns of Harry Potter and the Narnia series for Christmas. Christmas appears in both tangentially and the holiday is such a great time to be a kid and watch kid movies.

    15. Llellayena*

      White Christmas
      Last Holiday
      At some point I should buy Patrick Stewart’s A Christmas Carol. I have a (cassette) tape of him reading the book which I love. I should upgrade the format…

    16. Mimmy*

      Our annual favorites:

      -A Christmas Story (I think I’ve watched it every single year since it came to television)
      -Grinch (Jim Carrey version)
      -Elf
      -National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (more my husband’s favorite)

    19. Honoria*

      On the Second Day of Christmas–Mary Stuart Masterson is a pickpocket duo with a little kid, they get caught in a store and, because it’s Cristmas, sent home for the holiday with the cute security guard, a very young Mark Ruffallo. Such ridiculous. many cheese. Also with David Hewlett (Stargate Atlantis) as her ex, a pickpocket in a Santa Suit. I actually bought the dvd.

  50. OyHiOh*

    My sister really is a very talented woman. In the reply, see photo album link to the memory stuffie she did for my dinosaur obsessed dragon. She started from a creature branded for a certain popular movie franchinse involving dinosaurs, and added fabric from one of Mr. Oy’s flannel shirts. It’s beautiful.

    For fourteen years, I avoided any kind of discussion or conversation that might lead to Mr Oy and I discovering we disagreed with each other. Although we always argued and fought “clean” (stick to the immediate issue/not dredging up past hurt, words only, leave the room if you need to), I always walked away from arguments feeling like I’d been found in the wrong. Partly that was my own internal life – the weight of depression, anxiety, and crushing lack of confidence in myself – and partly, it was that Mr. Oy using his retired master sergeant skills for the worse rather than the better. So I avoided everything that could possibly get contentious, even incredibly low stakes things like a new philosophical concept I’d just run across for the first time.

    I’ve been forced to think about that mental habit of avoidance over and over again in the past week, as Neptune and I have come up against concepts where, due to differences in experience and education, we really disagree. Every time, it’s been a fairly low stakes thing – a matter of belief, a philosophical concept, order of priority in creative projects we’re both working on – and it feels very strange how different the conversational pattern is with him. We’re going along having a perfectly lovely conversation, discover a disagreement, hash that out, and then with never a raised voice or strong word, continue on to the next thing. It’s a pattern I Am Not Used To and remarkably revealing.

    I’d intended to be a NaNo Rebel this year (NaNoWriMo – national novel writing month) and set similar word goals but blaze through a bunch of writing appointments that have been hanging out in my files for up to a couple of years. With various chaos, hangups, and delays in other areas, that much writing simply isn’t getting done. But in this past week, three things that I wanted to sketch out enough to copyright the characters and plot did get done and I absolutely love them. The characters are funny and compelling and the plots approach familiar concepts from brand new angles. Trying to name age old fears without relying on Cold War era devices. They’re interesting challenges and I’m excited to see how they develop.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Very cool on the new conversation pattern. I always thought watch what a person does when things get a little tough and I could kind of figure how they would handle really difficult situations.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Great dinosaur, and how very special that your sis made it from Mr Oy’s shirt…it makes it a keepsake. (when my stepfather died, they took 4 of his favorite plaid shirts and made pillows of them, one for each child).

      And very nice to hear the encouraging steps with Neptune. Sounds like a great interaction pattern. You are definitely doing some new boundaries and are inspiring….

      1. OyHiOh*

        The afternoon after Mr Oy’s funeral, my sister and a friend (whom we call Friend-not-my-sister because at the funeral reception about six people asked if she was my sister, while my actual sister was across the street at the park with all the small children) pulled Mr Oy’s side of the closet out into the bedroom and sorted it. We ended up with a box of things I couldn’t decide what to do with (still in storage), a giant pile of donations, and half a suitcase of shirts she took home. In that photo link, the pic of a child sitting on a quilt – the quilt is made from t shirts she took home that day. She’s working on a set of t shirt animals, the dinosaur is just the first of three. So many hearts for a talented woman!

  51. Penny*

    What do you do to occupy your time while you’re laid up in bed? I’m not in bedrest but I’ve broken my leg and will have at least four weeks of minimal movement. I’ve got TV/movies, books, podcasts, and cross stitching. Any other ideas? Especially for crafts I could learn in bed, if I ordered supplies online.

      1. Mimosa Jones*

        And pictures! Get all your digital photos organized and backed-up. There will be deals on printed photo books at places like Shutterfly if you’d like to create an album or calendar or other thing. Or organize printed photos and put them in albums or other storage.

        1. Pamela Adams*

          I spent 3 months non-weight bearing, due to foot surgery. I read lots of books, did upper-body workouts, and learned to “walk” the dogs from a wheelchair.

          Oh yeah, and I got to level 1000 in Candy Crush! Awe

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Im currently stuck due to a back problem and Ive been doing crosswords and am about to order some beginner felting kits to make some little animals. Just need wool, the needle, and some foam it looks like. Nothing too messy and easy to put to the side!

      You can really only read so much internet or watch so much Netflix!

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Weaving friendship bracelets or hemp jewelry? Origami? Use YouTube to learn ASL? Get some crayons/colored pencils and a coloring book?

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      You could also practice one of those older kid’s toys where the ball is on a string. Either the paddle or the cup on a stick. Eye hand coordination, a little more activity, and you’re focusing at a different distance than crafts or computer work. Plus it’s a little goofy.

    6. Washi*

      It would be a little tricky to avoid making a mess, but my favorite craft is linocut (carving soft rubber/linoleum to make stamps.) Speedball has starting kits for under $20.

    7. Fikly*

      Check out dot to dot books (they come in all age/challenge ranges)! I found them fun when laid up recovering from foot surgery.

      Also, fellow cross stitcher love!

    8. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Calligraphy, clean out your emails/”favorites”/Pinterest boards, write letters, get your stuff organized for taxes, look up chair yoga and sit-and-be-fit for exercises you might be able to do (plus light weights for upperr body work). Hope you heal beautifully!

    10. Anono-me*

      There’s a thing where you act as eyes for the blind. Basicly you will get a picture and a request. Possibly you will get a photo from the grocery store and be asked which carton is the 2% milk.

      There are also some scientific studies where you’re asked to count the number of times an animal does something or count the number of a specific species in a photo.

      I’ll see how my Google skills work and if possible I will post the sites.

      Wishing you a speedy full recovery.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Check out Zooniverse for the science stuff. There’s a huge range, from zoology to astronomy, and you can do as little or as much as you want.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Recorders!
        Or recorders of another kind… ask elderly friends & relatives to come tell you stories and do your own ‘story corps’ oral history project. (I’m currently rereading some Studs Terkel so there’s another bit of reading for you.)

    12. Arts Akimbo*

      I have a jigsaw puzzle app for the iPad that I love! It’s just called “Jigsaw,” and the company that makes it is Veraxen. You can make them as hard or as easy as you like, and soothing music is optional! :)

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Things I’ve wanted time for…
      Duolingo to learn a new language or practice one I studied in school.
      Protein folding games that crowd-source real science. (Original one was FoldIt, I think.)
      Help the moderators for your favorite site to give them a break.
      Jewelry skills like beading, wire-wrapping, or wire-weaving.
      Make reusable grocery bags. (I’m sick of the cheesy ones from the store th as t won’t crumple up in a corner of the trunk!)

  52. Free Meerkats*

    I was involved in a discussion this week with friends. The TLDR: Is lack of sexual attraction to a different race/ethnicity racism?

    I think that attraction is almost entirely below the subconscious level and pretty much impossible to change. The corollary question that I posited is: Is lack of sexual attraction to the same gender homophobia? That generated more discussion, but no consensus was reached on either question.

    Thoughts?

    1. WellRed*

      People are not homophobic if they are not attracted to the same sex (what on earth?). I think the other question seems trickier and I suppose one could argue we have some subconscious prejudices that come into play. I could also argue that my attraction to men with dark hair or who are tall or super intelligent is what it is. I don’t know why I prefer brunettes over redheads or blondes.

    2. Not A Manager*

      “Is lack of sexual attraction to a different race/ethnicity racism?”

      “I think that attraction is almost entirely below the subconscious level and pretty much impossible to change.”

      Both of these things could be true, though.

      I have come to think that it’s worth interrogating our own preconceptions about different races when thinking about the “I’m attracted/I’m not attracted” reaction. This wouldn’t be with the goal of changing one’s sexual response, but rather to think about what might underlie it “on the subconscious level,” as you say.

    3. coffee cup*

      It might be, but it probably isn’t. I mean, if there’s a strong aversion based on race, then yes, I’d think there’s some racism going on somewhere, or at least a prejudice to think about. But if you’re just generally attracted to a ‘type’ or a ‘look’, and some people don’t fit that, you can’t really force yourself. And nor should you!

    4. Parenthetically*

      Genuinely this is more about an antiracist heart/mindset than anything IMO. Do the work of interrogating your own attractions, because the fact is they are NOT innate, and root out racism wherever you find it within your own patterns of thinking. Like that’s it. That’s all you can do. At that point, when youre actively doing that antiracist work, IMO your attractions are as neutral as they can get in this life.

    5. Zephy*

      It’s not racist (or any other -ist, or -phobic) to have preferences. No one is owed anyone else’s time, interest, or attention.

      You run the risk of getting into *ist/*phobic territory when you start talking about those preferences. I’m monolingual so I’m going to restrict my point here to English-speaking people, but there are plenty of people who have a tendency to state their preferences as if they are laws, facts, or otherwise anything other than one person’s individual opinion of how a thing should be, using gatekeepery language like “real [members of the group they are attracted to].” Ex: “I need a real man.” Then, if they’re asked to describe a “real ___,” the definition is *ist/*phobic/otherwise exclusionary and problematic. “Real women have curves,” for example. There’s a big difference between saying that and saying “I think women with hourglass figures are very attractive.” Especially when you start talking about whether the person you are attracted to has or doesn’t have certain body parts, that’s almost always going to be an -ism of some kind. It’s OK to prefer a particular configuration of genitals; however, there is also a whole entire person attached to those genitals. People who don’t have the kind of plumbing you’re looking for aren’t less-than just because you don’t want to boink them, and “desire to boink” shouldn’t be your sole or even primary metric for deciding how to treat other human beings.

    6. Washi*

      I assume we’re talking about not finding certain non-white races sexually unappealing. I’m white, and have no problem with people of color not wanting to date white people, but I think white people who are just mysteriously not attracted to people of color or particular races need to do some soul searching. We grow up living and breathing racism, so to say that those preferences have nothing to do with racism feels pretty naive to me. Similarly, I think someone who says they are just completely unattracted to fat people cannot possibly definitively declare that it has nothing to do with society and it’s just their personal preference. It’s a preference yes, but it’s not something your brain invented all by itself.

        2. Washi*

          I think so, yes. There’s a completely different set of emotional calculations and history for those two situations.

          1. Washi*

            I mean, there’s no dating police, people can date who they want. But a white person cannot declare that they will not consider dating any black people, and pretend that their preference is value-free and racism had nothing to do with it. The reverse is not true, because reverse racism is not a thing.

            2. EEOC Counselor*

              I work for the federal government as an EEOC Counselor and of course people of color can be racist against white people. It is no more acceptable for a black or Hispanic supervisor to discriminate against one of their reports because they are white than the reverse would be.

            3. LilySparrow*

              I think the 2 replies above me are conflating prejudice with racism.

              Anyone of any group can be prejudiced against any other group.

              Racism, as it’s generally used today and as I think Washi is using it, refers to the attitudes and predjudices that both stem from and reinforce systemic oppression. Black and brown people are the targets of this system, not the perpetrators. Personal prejudice toward white people may be personally toxic, but it doesn’t fuel “the machine” of institutional racism.

              When white people exercise prejudice, it is never merely personal, because their relative privilege expands the impact on others in ways they aren’t even aware of.

      3. M*

        “I think someone who says they are just completely unattracted to fat people cannot possibly definitively declare that it has nothing to do with society and it’s just their personal preference. It’s a preference yes, but it’s not something your brain invented all by itself.”

        Hear, hear.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t hold out much hope that we can tell people who they should be sexually attracted to. So I am not sure if this question actually helps anything.

      Additionally just because a person reports they are sexually attracted to x’s or y’s or z’s does not put them totally in the clear either. Human beings are more complex than a yes/no answer.

    8. Anon Here*

      Well, it’s not really fair to say you don’t find a certain type of person attractive because the future is uncertain; you could meet someone you thought you wouldn’t be attracted to and find them attractive. So why do we define our sexual orientations based on gender? It’s a cultural thing. It arose from social requirements to date people of the opposite gender and taboos around anything else. That created a divide. If no one had ever cared, we might not talk about what gender/s we’re attracted to in the same way.

      I don’t know how, exactly, to explain how and if gender-based attraction is different from attraction based on other physical traits. I think the answer is that, in theory, gender isn’t just physical; it’s also about personality and how we think. So gender-based attraction is not simply physical in nature unlike, say, what someone’s hair looks like. But, obviously, there’s a lot of overlap in how people of different genders act and think, so it’s really vague and open to interpretation. At least we can say that gender identity is an internal experience that we all have, whereas people identify in different ways and to different extents with random physical traits that they have. But, again, that’s really variable and subjective. So who knows.

      Honestly, I think that how we talk about who we’re attracted to is a HUGE part of this. Some people write, “Not into ____,” on their dating profile, and that’s a yucky and -ist thing to do if it’s an ethnicity or a physical characteristic and not a personality trait. Alternately, you can just be attracted to who you’re attracted to without talking about who you’re not attracted to. Most of us are only attracted to a small percentage of people. That’s ok.

      Sometimes, when this question comes up, people will suggest trying to date people who you’re not intially attracted to in order to get more comfortable with diversity and un-do -isms. I respect the intention there, but look at it from the other person’s perspective. Would you want someone to date you just to expand their horizons, someone who didn’t find you attractive? I would be creeped out if I was on the receiving end of that. Instead, I think friendships are a good place to start. Have a diverse group of friends. Close friends. Then your perspective might shift and you might feel attracted to different people. Or you might not. Attraction isn’t completely within your control, so don’t beat yourself up about it.

    9. M*

      It depends on *why* someone cannot be attracted to people of a certain race(s). When I hear decent people say “I can only be attracted to my own race” I suspect that it’s a comfort thing, rather than a racist thing.

      But, if someone were to say “I can be attracted to V, X, Y, Z races… but never W race” then yes, that would strike me as racist. They’re essentially putting all people of W race in a single unattractive category. Do they really think that out of millions of people of said race, they would not find *one* attractive person, and that this has nothing to do with racist beliefs? I call bullshit.

    11. Hrovitnir*

      The thing with questions like this is it attempts to side step the cultural context and nuance here. On the face of it, of course there’s no obligation to be attracted to X or Y. However, these are some reasons that “I’m not attracted to [group]” is almost certainly racist, without that necessarily meaning you’re A Racist:
      (1) There is so much diversity in any given race that blanket statements about not being attracted to X is immediately homogenising a group in a way that is worth examining
      (2) In most cases if people find themselves never attracted to a given group it’s highly likely they just… haven’t met many people of that group. If you interact with 1/100th as many people of said group as the majority race in your area and none of those people are friends, it’s going to be much easier to see them as all the same. Which is, again, worth examining
      (3) Society is racist. People of any race growing up anywhere are going to absorb a bunch of unpleasant things about certain groups, so while something may be subconscious, that doesn’t mean it’s free from racist influence.

      Practically speaking, it doesn’t mean anyone should try and “make themselves” attracted to any given group of people. It possibly means you live in a monoculture and should look at ways to mitigate that. Taking the stance that because you’ve never been attracted to a person of a certain race that you are not attracted to that race is… not a great way of conceiving it, and I’d recommend attempting a mindset that it’s fine if there are certain characteristics you like that are more or less common in a given group, but not deciding you’re just not attracted to that group. And as mentioned, there is pretty much no planet on which discussing “oh, I’m just not attracted to [these people]” is not going to be loaded with unpleasantness. There is a lot of cultural baggage around race and it’s worth thinking about what you’d be trying to get out of such a conversation.

      (I’ve been using a general “you” throughout, in case that is not clear. Sorry for the novel!)

    12. LilySparrow*

      Attraction is more than appearance, it is also about value or admiration and familiarity or knowing an individual.

      So for someone who claims they just aren’t attracted to people of this or that race, I would wonder whether they have ever found someone in that group admirable for qualities that aren’t about attraction (talent, accomplishments, wit, objective beauty, courage, kindness, etc)?

      And I’d also wonder how diverse their social circle is. Do they never encounter members of this group with opportunities to find them charming, warm, funny, or delightful as people?

      That’s the thing – I think the whole premise of the question is based on a reductive view of attraction as an instantaneous gut-level response, which is equally dehumanizing to everyone, whether the response is “you’re hot” or “you’re not.”

      Indeed, fetishizing another race is just as problematic as having an aversion to other races. The whole thing is based on generalizations and objectification. Not seeing individual people.

      And no – being straight is not the same thing as homophobia, a man being gay is not misogyny, etc. This is ludicrous and sounds like a straw man argument designed to divert attention from having to ask one’s self uncomfortable questions about unexamined bias.

  53. Okay*

    Where do news outlets and money blogs (e.g. Student Loan Hero) get their debt payoff success stories from?

    I want to share my debt (mostly student loans) payoff story because I’ve not seen one like mine before, but I can’t find outlets/blogs/etc. with a clear “how to submit” button.

    No, I’m not going to call Dave Ramsey.

    1. WellRed*

      They aren’t going to have a how to submit button. Contact the blog author or reporter or editor via their email with a quick, short introduction.

  54. WellRed*

    I’ve gotten good recommendations here and elsewhere for my Christmas trip to NOLA. One thing I haven’t been able to get clarity on is whether the city kinda shuts down in the 25th? And early on the 24th for that matter. I don’t expect to go to a museum but can’t even determine if restaurants are open. Guess I need to call a few?

  55. MuttIsMyCopilot*

    Weaving friendship bracelets or hemp jewelry? Origami? Use YouTube to learn ASL? Get some crayons/colored pencils and a coloring book?

  56. RMNPgirl*

    I’m traveling next weekend so am putting up Christmas decorations today. I love Christmas and all the decorations and after it’s done, but it’s so much work. It will take me the entire day to get everything up from the basement, put out, the tree up and decorated, and empty boxes back to the basement. I know I’ll love it once I’m done, but I just don’t have the motivation to get it done. Sadly, I really don’t have a choice since tomorrow I have to do what we don’t talk about in this thread and then I’m traveling for Thanksgiving. How do others handle getting everything ready for the holidays?

    1. WellRed*

      Same way as you. It’s a pain but I love it when it’s done. I give myself permission to take lots of breaks or play Christmas music or, once most us done, play Music and drink a glass of wine.

    2. fposte*

      I’ve downsized the last few years, with the notion that I can upsize again if I like. I’ve got about 15-30 minutes of easy hanging and then I’m done.

    4. NewReadingGlasses*

      I’ve just left the interior Christmas lights up (on the stair railing and mantle) all year.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My family used to put the tree up on Christmas Eve. I want my bling earlier, so I add a little at a time as I think about it. I try to NOT get out everything at once. Putting it all back after Epiphany is bad enough. :)

  57. LQ*

    I wanted to thank everyone who recommended physical activity (even in teeny tiny bits) a couple weeks ago about bouts of irrational anger. It really helped. Sometimes it’s as small as going to get a fresh mug of tea because that’s 20 steps away, even if I still have 3/4 of a mug still, go dump and get another. Go for a walk to the far away printer. These were all things I knew but had lost track of. So I made more bread. I got more tea. And printed on the far printer. I’m starting to feel human again. Having my home mostly be back to being a safe haven is so helpful. I can survive a lot of shit at work and in my family life as long as I have a safe haven at home.

    Thank you so much, everyone, who commented. You are so helpful.

    I’ve also been trying and liking the Moodpath app. The questions are not cutesy or obnoxious for me. They are just sort of bland check in questions, which is useful to me.

    1. Sam I Am*

      Even this tank you you posted is a great reminder to me to get up from my desk for the health of my mind, so thanks to you as well.

  58. Gaming laptops?*

    Hi
    I’m getting interested in pc gaming and am planning on buying a new laptop as my current notebook is several years old and simply not powerful enough. I like puzzle/adventure games so I’ll probably be playing games like Portal, Tomb Raider, Elder Scrolls, Final Fantasy. Can anyone recommend a gaming laptop – budget is up to £1000. From research I’ve done I think I should be looking for i7 processor and dedicated graphics card, though am a bit confused about how much storage I need. The best buys in my price range seem to be HP Pavilion, Dell, Asus Rog, Acer Predator. I know I can ask someone in the store but I’d like to have an idea of what I’m looking for before I get there.
    Thanks

    1. Dan*

      I have a rather hardcore desktop rig for some stuff I do that is overkill for what you want… as in, I have a 2 TB hard drive and an 8 TB external HD.

      I hate to say this, but how much storage you need is a function of what you want to do with it. Photos? Videos? Just games, and if so, how many? What are your options in your price range? 2TB would be more than plenty unless you’re doing a ton with video. Which means you could get away with a 1TB drive.

      1. Gaming laptops?*

        Thanks – I keep my large files like itunes video/music on an external hard drive at the moment – 600GB. I run Microsoft office and use Word/Excel/Outlook, the usual internet browsing. I don’t plan to have that many games running on it as I can’t afford more than 1TB storage. The laptops I’ve found with 1TB within my price range are these.
        HP Pavilion 17-cd0526na
        ASUS ROG STRIX G731GU
        Dell G3
        MSI GF63 Thin

        1. Dan*

          The middle two are both “configurable”, so I’m not sure what specs you’d actually be looking at.

          Depending on how long you’re planning on keeping the machine, I’d think about getting 16GB of RAM.

    2. Toronto Lover*

      I have an Alienware 15R2. It’s about 3.5 years old. I overclocked it when I purchased it. It has an: Intel(R) Core(TM) i7-6700HQ (Q uad-Core, 6MB Cache, up to 3.5 GHz w/ Turbo Boost); a C: and D: drive; NVIDIA(R) GeForce(R) GTX 970M with 3GB GDDR5; 32GB Dual Channel DDR4 2133Mhz (16GBx2).

      I game pretty hardcore on it. I think the extra money is worth it.

      1. Earthwalker*

        My husband uses an Alienware. I’m somewhat less hardcore but I want a decent experience if I’m playing with him and friends. I replaced my worn out Lenovo with a Lenovo Legion and I’ve been happy with both. Lenovo has a pretty good range of reasonably priced gaming laptops for people who don’t need top-of-the-line. You’ll probably want to figure into your budget a lap stand with fans for any gaming laptop, to keep it and your knees from getting too hot.

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      Processor like i7, dedicated graphics, and a chunk of RAM (8, 16GB) are what ya need! A solid state drive is very nice but you don’t need much storage on it—tbh I think no one needs that much hard drive space on their computer.

      Recommend away from Dell and HP, Asus and Acer will run a bit pricier but imo are generally a bit higher quality.

    4. Bilateralrope*

      What is your internet like ?

      I ask because if you’ve got a high enough speed and data cap (or unlimited) then you only need enough space for the largest game you own. You will be able to redownload games on a whim, meaning you can just uninstall games to free up space. But, if your speed or data cap is too low, more storage lets you be more strategic with when you download or uninstall games.

      With unlimited internet, 1TB is plenty.

      Why do you want a laptop ?
      Last I checked, desktops had better performance for a given price and the larger size means better cooling, letting you have high load on the system for longer before it throttles.

      1. Gaming laptops?*

        Hi
        Am looking at a laptop as my current laptop is on its last legs and I need to replace it – and my budget is 1,000. The gaming desktops I’ve seen are about 1,000 so I can afford either a laptop or a desktop but not both.
        I’m in a slightly weird situation housewise as I live in the Middle East and the majority of my outlets are 110v but I have two 220v outlets in the kitchen. I will be back in the UK over Christmas so the PCs/laptops I can buy will be 220v. If I buy a desktop I’d have to live with extension cables running from the kitchen to the living room. At least with a laptop I can charge the battery and be good for a few hours. Also because there is about a 20% markup on prices here I’ll buy in the UK and bring back with me over the holidays so I don’t want to risk any problems with security if I lug a 10kg cpu on the plane lol.
        The Internet is ok but not super speedy – I figure I’ll either download a game or I’ll buy game discs.

        1. Gaming laptops?*

          oh for an edit button – I know laptops are dual voltage so I don’t know what I was typing just then – just realised desktops can be too!

  59. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

    I have a ton of blackberries and strawberries leftover from a housewarming. Suggestions on what to do with them? Should I make a blackberry and strawberry pie?

    2. Not A Manager*

      I have a lot of trouble baking strawberries into a pie, because they are so wet. You could make a tart using a baked crust and the fresh fruit, with or without custard/creme anglaise. Or you could just cook up the fruit with a little sugar and some flavorings, and refrigerate or freeze for use on yogurt or ice cream, in smoothies, etc.

      1. Alice*

        Plus 100 for the compote idea for the strawberries at least. For the blackberries, if you do that you might want to use a strainer to get rid of the seeds.

      3. Filosofickle*

        I make strawberry pies, but I don’t bake them! I prefer them that way. Blind bake a crust. Pile in hulled and VERY well-drained berries. Make a glaze by boiling crushed berries, sugar, and cornstarch. Pour over raw berries. So good!

        This time of year, I’d probably turn them into jam. Or freeze for when it is smoothie season again, but that’s a long time away.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        +1000
        Some plain strawberry, and some mixed berries. Apple-blackberry is good, too. (Apple always makes jam and jelly set better.)
        The Ball canning jar company used to have some good recipes available.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Lemonade concentrate makes for a lovely summery drink when it’s yucky out.

      Combine in a non-Teflon stockpot: 6 cups of puréed berries, 6 cups of sugar, 4 cups (one bottle) of lemon juice. Heat over medium heat until all the sugar is dissolved – if you have a thermometer you’re aiming for about 190F, if not just try not to let it boil. That’s it – let it cool and stick it in a jar or bottle in the fridge. It’ll last for 3-4 months at least.

      Reconstitute it by about 1 part concentrate to 2.5 parts something else – water will do, but you can get creative here too. My favorite is sprite, my husband likes his with ginger ale, a friend of ours does 1 concentrate, 2 water and 0.5 spiced rum for his ratios. Heh.

    6. Lost in the Woods*

      I recommend an Eton mess, which is basically berries, whipped cream, and pieces of merengue mixed together!

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Eton mess FTW! It is one of the most delicious desserts around! A restaurant near me makes it with pistachios as well.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yummm…now I’m craving my grandmother”s trufle.
        Berries also make stupendous cheesecake topping.

    9. NewReadingGlasses*

      Custard fruit tart? Basically make a plain custard pie, and cover it with berries when cool.

    10. Stornry*

      berries are easy to freeze. lay them on a parchment lined cookie sheet – single layer – in the freezer until frozen, then transfer to a plastic bag.

      But for cooking, I recommend a Buckle (coffee cake with fruit in it). Google “Blueberry Buckle” for a recipe. I’ve made them with blackberries or raspberries, too. It’s a real favorite.

  60. Lady Jay*

    Thanksgiving plans, y’all–what do you have going on?

    I really want(ed) to be home this year, but given a SUPER long drive and a lot going on with work/school (PhD student), I’m not sure it’s justifiable. At this point, I’m feeling like I may stay put, WRITE A LOT, and watch some long movies. A friend/colleague has invited me to hang out with her family Thanksgiving Day, which is nice.

    1. Zephy*

      Family dinner with partner’s family on Thursday, then we’re going to visit my dad (~5hr round trip) on Friday and Saturday. Dunno if we’re gonna do anything Thanksgivingey with Dad or just hang out. Thursday morning before dinner, partner and I will probably give my car its 4000-mile-overdue oil change, which will be good. Once we’re back in town on Sunday I’ll probably decorate for Christmas, which pretty much involves getting the tiny tree from the hall closet and setting it on a table, haha. Then I’ll set a timer to see how long before the cats start trying to eat it.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Usually I host everyone and their brother, but this year I am going to Disneyworld all by myself and doing a ton of things that I haven’t done before, including a food tour and the Candlelight Processional and Mickey’s Christmas Party.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Sounds awesome!! I haven’t been there but I have heard it’s very different than Disneyland. It’s on my list… What kind of food tour? And how did you decide to do this by yourself?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I go by myself pretty regularly, I’m an annual passholder. This will be my sixth trip this year, split about evenly between solo and with friends or family. But usually I don’t travel anywhere during Nov/Dec because of the holidays.

          I was grumbling to my bestie about the various reasons I didn’t want to host this year’s Thanksgiving and she went “So what I’m hearing is that you’re going to Disneyworld this year instead.” And I checked plane tickets and resort prices, discovered they were both way cheaper than I would have guessed, and said “You’re a damn genius. Yes, yes I am.”

          I asked my husband if he wanted to go, but he was not up for the additional crowds of the holiday season, so he is going to spend a nice happy holiday weekend at home with the dogs, marinating in solitude and video games and not having to do any of the socializing :)

          On the tour – it’s a sort of behind the scenes/Disney specialty dishes combo? I’m not entirely sure, but I’ve never done it before and it’s actually a pretty new one on their list so I figured what the heck :)

          And yes, it’s super different from Disneyland. Much bigger, and can be much more immersive. When I go to WDW, I get off the plane and am pretty much never outside of a Disney Experience again until I get back to the airport at the end. At Disneyland, it was somewhat of a shock to realize that when I walked out of the park at the end of the night there was a Denny’s literally across the street. :) (Many of the DL rides are individually better than their WDW counterparts in little ways though.)

    3. Lcsa99*

      My Sister-in-Law always hosts, but we bring stuff. This year his brothers and their families are joining us so its gonna be a huge group. We usually bring mashed potatoes, cornbread, biscuits and desserts. Really excited about the desserts this year. We’re making a white chocolate mousse pie with an oreo crust and chocolate whipped cream and heavenly hash brownies (brownies with nougat and marshmallows on top with a chocolate drizzle) and cookies.

    4. Anonymous*

      At dawn tomorrow, my two sister, one brother-in-law, two nephews, 3 dogs, and I set off in a two-vehicle caravan on a 12+ hour drive to The Family Home for Thanksgiving! There we will spend the week with our parents, grandmother, and two more siblings (as their schedules permit), and hope that my uncle gets out of the hospital in time for the festivities. If I’m lucky I will be sleeping on a couch instead of an air mattress. It’s going to be a heck of a week. One way or another.

    5. Anonymous*

      Boston Market or Whole Paycheck with Mom and Dad, pies from MANNA. I didn’t take off on Friday, so I won’t be spending a lot of time at their house… Four a.m. wake up is a PITA.

    6. Ali G*

      We host my in-laws Thursday-Saturday. Hubs’ parents, sis and her hubs and their 2 boys. It’s a blast! And I love not having to travel. They bring apps and dessert and I do everything else.
      Like you, my second year in grad school I stayed put because I couldn’t deal with the drive (what is supposed to be ~6 hours turned into like 12+ that weekend) and did a Friendsgiving with other displaced students. It was great since I had a long weekend all to myself with a nice dinner with friends in there.

    7. C Average*

      My partner and I are hosting my best friend and her partner. We’re having a goose and lots of pie. I am SO looking forward to it. It’s going to be mellow but festive–possibly my favorite combination!

    8. Liz*

      Going to my mom’s and cooking for her, and a friend she invited. Since neither of us likes turkey all that much, I’m just doing a nice dinner. And we’ll watch football, and I’ll stay over.

      the rest of the weekend is up in the air. I recently met someone, we’ve hit it off quite well, so I may see him. His daughter (22) wants to meet me! so that may happen. Especially since he lives very close to my mom (who isn’t all that far from me either). And i may or may not see him again over the weekend. I’m still getting used to “dating” someone after not having a SO for like a hundred years or so. But its nice.

  61. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    Hi all!

    I feel rather at peace right now even though I am worried for some friends. I have my lovely dog, the Switch (POKEMON Y’ALL, POKEMON!!!) , and I wish I could win the lottery but yeahhhh.

    Life is good. I’m in a good mood. It’s getting colder around Paris but ehhh.

    Oh, wait, I’m a dork: today I went to a final sale at a store that’s closing. I got some manga. I remember it fondly and bought the first five volumes. I get home, put the manga on my desk, turn my head and…

    … what the hell, Sandrine, you HAVE those. WOOPS. At least I have a yellow Yoshi to make Zelda jealous. xD

    1. Arts Akimbo*

      I’m so glad I’m not the only one who does this! I have repeatedly bought the same stacks of comic books, or chased down that pair of issues I need to complete a series only to find that I bought them like last year already!

  62. coffee cup*

    Went for a run today. Yay! But I’ve aggravated my knee. Nooo! I have a 10k in Jan and don’t want to do anything to make this worse, but I also don’t want to not run or not exercise for the next X weeks. Apart from anything else, it will be bad for my mental health.

    I sometimes get a bit of a bothersome knee when running but it’s always minor and always goes away. This time it’s still hanging around and I’m not sure how to treat it. I have a knee support, so that’s one thing, I guess. Anything else? Anti-inflammatories? Heat packs? I guess it’s not a muscle so I don’t know if that helps. I am not a patient patient, so any advice greatly appreciated!

    1. fposte*

      The usual drill is RICE–rest, ice, compression, and elevation. I’m really prone to patellofemoral syndrome and compression helps me a lot–I use a knee sleeve for that. However, ice doesn’t do much for me and heat does, and PTs generally advise me to go with whichever one seems to work for me.

      It also helps me to work on tight areas of the leg. Foam roller is good, tennis ball is good, but also consider stretches for less-considered areas. I had a recent bout of bad pain that seemed to stem from an overtight soleus, and so stretching the soleus regularly helped a lot.

      1. coffee cup*

        The freezer is broken so I have no ice! But I could heat a hot water bottle and try that? I’d rather not just ‘leave it’ if I shouldn’t. The knee support I have seemed to make it more painful when I tried it earlier, so maybe I need a different one. Hmmm.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t think this is a “shouldn’t” situation (save probably you shouldn’t, like, run a marathon today); it’s a “does this make it feel better?” situation. Definitely try heating a hot water bottle and see if that makes it feel better, and if it doesn’t, well, that’s a data point. The knee sleeve I use is definitely not a support; there’s no bracing, and it’s called a “knee compression sleeve.” It’s basically a single-piece slip-on Ace bandage. But if you used something close to that and it made it hurt worse, then it’s not right for you. (For me, it helps as long as I don’t wear it more than about 4-6 hours, but after that it’s too much.) If you tolerate NSAIDs well try those and see if they seem to help. Basically, knees have a lot going on, and there are a lot of different things that can make them sore; these are reasonable measures that aren’t likely to hurt you much even if they don’t work, so they can be worth a try.

    2. Fikly*

      When an injury starts hanging around, and hasn’t resolved after a week or two, it’s time to get it evaluated, unfortunately.

      The general guidelines are ice for the first 48-72 hours, and heat after that.

      1. lasslisa*

        Although it does depend on the injury – I always thought of the ice as being primarily a pain reducer, although I know it brings down swelling. Then I had a bone bruise that wasn’t healing on schedule and the doctor said to ice it on a regular basis to bring down the swelling so it would heal. (She was right – at first I skipped that step and then started it later when I had stalled out on progress, and it made a huge change.)

        But, yes, for most soft tissue pain the recommendation is ice, heat, or a mix of ice and heat depending on what feels better to you.

    3. LGC*

      Funny enough, I’m having the same issue. (Do not do what I did and run a half marathon, though! I mean, I did it, but I was visibly limping afterwards, and still am.) I was talking over it with one of my friends and it might actually be tightness in the upper part of your leg (quadriceps, IT band).

      Other than that, you’re about two months out from your race, so you have time! I would definitely not run on it for a couple of days to a week. It sucks to have to take time off in the run-up to a race, but you won’t lose that much fitness from not running for a week. And you’ll gain it back – if not all of it, then most of it.

      I do have to wonder if you suddenly ramped up mileage – back when I was a newbie (a couple of years ago), I went from doing a couple of runs topping out at 5-6 miles per run to doing that plus a 10-15 mile long run on weekends all of a sudden. (So, double my weekly mileage. Don’t do this.) I panicked and didn’t run for a month and a half (again, don’t do this), but that actually reset it for me.

      (Honestly, the more I write here, the more I realize that I can give decent running and physical activity advice simply because I have done so many dumb things.)

  63. Free Meerkats*

    I just sanitized the bottles for Christmas eggnog. I’m using pasteurized in the shell eggs for the first batch, it’s for a friend with a compromised immune system.

    I’m using Alton Brown’s Aged Eggnog recipe, I’ve used it for a few years, and it really does get better as it ages. Longest I’ve been able to keep it before drinking it all is about 3 months.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I married into a restaurant family and we too have immune compromised people. Another thing with eggs is to bleach the outside of the egg because that’s where a huge % of any contaminants are located. This was a food safety study in US, so this it’s at least for eggs that are scrubbed & refrigerated.

  64. Alice*

    Does anyone here have exercise-induced asthma? I have some questions.
    I was diagnosed with it as a kid, but I just avoided strenuous exercising. Now as an adult, I need to exercise, but I can’t tell if I’m actually wheezing or just breathing heavily because I’m out of shape.
    I’m curious about your experiences with exercise-induced asthma. In particular, I remember having trouble breathing during exercise, but websites suggest EIA causes wheezing after exercise – which is true? Thanks

    1. Fikly*

      I have exercise-induced asthma.

      You can absolutely, 100% have symptoms during exercise, I always have. Do you have a rescue inhaler? Are you pretreating with it? The typical guideline is to pretreat with your rescue 30 minutes before exercise. The best timing for you may vary, but that’s a good place to start at.

      And honestly, the easiest way to tell if you’re wheezing or breathing heavily because you’re out of shape is to treat it as if it is asthma. If you feel better, it’s asthma, if you don’t, you’re out of shape, and you won’t have hurt yourself by treating it as asthma.

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        Yes, this! I had exercise-induced asthma as a kid, so every time I started feeling winded, I’d stop exercising. When I got older and joined a sports team, I discovered that yes, I still had exercise-induced asthma but I was also getting winded because I was out of shape, and I had to learn to tell the difference from trial and error. Wheezing/chest tightness vs. panting/heavy breathing was a good differentiator for me, also because I was on a team, I could tell how rigorous it was based on how everyone felt.

        The perk of starting an exercise regimen as an adult on your own, instead of at the direction of a coach, is that you can increase intensity slowly and by listening to your body, rather than just plugging along because Coach said we’re using this interval today. I find it much more pleasant.

    2. Enough*

      How long does it take you get get to normal breathing when you stop the exercise? The longer it takes the more likely to be the asthma. Thought my daughter might have this and she was given an inhaler. It made no difference in her breathing. After testing and a visit to ENT determined it was due to allergies. So you could try an inhaler.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I do. It’s probably a bit of both. Start slowly and build up. Don’t start running for an hour a day – start with walking, and build up to the running for an hour. The asthma will improve as your fitness levels improve, but you should stay on top of treatment.

      I find that my asthma response will vary depending on what I’m doing. Walking, running, swimming kick off asthma. But lifting weights? Not so much. You may end up choosing exercises with this variation in mind.

    4. Lost in the Woods*

      I also have exercise-induced asthma. For me the biggest difference between wheezing and heavy breathing is whether or not I feel like there’s resistance in my chest. It’s also exacerbated by cold weather and dry air. The symptoms are really noticeable when I forget to use my inhaler before I go on a run.

      I agree with the advice of getting a rescue inhaler, because it’s good to have one around if you have the diagnosis – you never know when you might need it. I have an albuterol inhaler that I’ve been instructed to use 10-15 minutes before starting exercise, and it really helps.

  65. Holly*

    Today I lie in bed all day long and never leave it. It’s just so exhausting to have to pretend to be something I’m not and fit into normal social standards all week. This is been part of my life for the past 15 years. It’s boring to stay in bed all day. Anything new on Netflix I should be aware of?

    1. IrishEm*

      I just discovered The Dragon Prince, and there’s new episodes coming this weekend. Also Final Space has a series 2 starting tomorrow. I love both of those, I am all about my animated series at the minute.

      And I really feel you on not wanting to perform to biotypical or neurotypical standards for “society’s” approval. Chronic illness sucks so hard.

  66. Washi*

    So my really close friend had a baby recently, and since I’m pretty sure I want kids, it’s been really cool to spend lots of time with them and learn about baby care. One thing that’s come up a few times is my friend will complain about something related to her son, and then she’ll say semi-jokingly “is this dissuading your from having kids?” My honest answer has always been along the lines of “it does seem tough, but it also seems doable.” But when I say stuff like that, or if I ever comment that being around them has been reassuring that I, too, am capable of caring for a small human, my friend almost seems disappointed, and sometimes will then go into MORE detail about how tough it is.

    Am I being insensitive? Should I pretend that I have no idea how she has survived? At other times, I try to validate that this is really hard, she’s a great parent, etc, but at the end of the day, that doesn’t mean I don’t think that I am incapable of doing what she has done.

    1. Washi*

      Whoops, too many negatives! *At the end of the day, that doesn’t mean I think I’m incapable of doing what she has done.

      1. blackcat*

        This is a her thing, not a you thing.
        She is finding parenting hard. Maybe she regrets having a kid. A fair number of parents do, yet it’s really taboo to say.
        You hear her saying that you wouldn’t be capable of handling it. It could be that she hears you say “that seems doable” as minimizing her struggles. And that can be hurtful.
        I will say that after having a child, I will tell anyone who is on the fence about it to DON’T DO IT. Or at least, DON’T DO IT WHILE ON THE FENCE. Having a child who has been sickly and never slept as been so profoundly difficult, I can’t even describe it. It’s not each little thing, it’s the totality of it. It’s only now, two years on, that I see a light at the end of the tunnel and don’t regret becoming a parent more days than not. This is entirely reflective of my parenting experience. This. Shit. Is. Hard.
        I strongly recommend staying away from any language that could minimize the difficulty she’s having. No more “that seems doable.” Just “That sounds tough.”

        Because, no joke, if I told you that it’s really hard to go for five months without sleeping more than 90 minutes at a time, ever, and you said, “That seems doable.” I would… be so incredibly angry, because for me, IT WAS NOT DOABLE. I barely survived. To tell me that it’s doable is to tell me that I somehow failed in coping poorly, that my struggles were because I wasn’t good enough.

        When I tell things like that to a non-parent, it’s because I want them to know how hard things could be, rather than embarking on parenthood with rose-colored glasses. It’s not some weird “I don’t think you can handle this” challenge. Just a statement that shit. was. hard.

        Having a newborn is hard. Cut your friend some slack, and realize that she’s saying these things *at* you, not *about* you.

        1. Washi*

          Wow, that sounds nightmarish! For the record, I was kind of paraphrasing myself and not just responding with “eh, seems doable.” It’s usually more like “Omg, that sucks, ugh, etc.” for a couple minutes and finishing with “I do still want to be a parent though.”

          But you’re right that I’m taking this personally, and even though it seems like she’s asking for my opinion on whether I still want to be a parent, I think that’s actually not what she wants to hear. And like the other commenters have said, maybe it’s just more of an “am I complaining too much?” thing.

          1. valentine*

            if I told you that it’s really hard to go for five months without sleeping more than 90 minutes at a time, ever, and you said, “That seems doable.”
            This isn’t what’s happening, though. If the friend wants reinforcement, she can get it by stopping at the end of her story. Instead, Washi is answering “is this dissuading your from having kids?” If the friend wants a yes, well, they’re defeating their own purpose.

            Washi: Ask her what she wants you to say and, if she really means something else, to just say that.

            1. blackcat*

              I mean, I don’t know. I cut parents of newborns A LOT of slack. It could be really hard and she’s just not nothing in the emotional intelligence tank right now. Because sleep, and hormones, and any number of the million things that can be hard with a kid.

              I really, really doubt she’s actually asking about Washi’s desire for kids! Like, I give it about a 1% chance. She’s likely venting. And she might be asking for some acknowledgement that things are really hard.

              If this is still going on in a few months, barring a terrible sleeper/colicy baby like my kid, then I’d ask something like “Why do you keep asking me that question?” But until then, I’d just deflect with “That sounds really tough” and move on. It’s not hard to deflect if you’ve got the executive functioning of a house cat which…. I lacked for months after my kid was born.

      2. Clisby*

        Most humans are fully capable of looking after baby humans, or we’d be an endangered species by now. It can be really hard, it can be fairly easy – just depends. You might end up with the child who won’t sleep for more than an hour at a time and then gets colic and screams bloody murder for several hours a day – or get kids like my sister had, who from the time they came home from the hospital routinely slept for 3 hours at a time throughout the day and night.

    2. LibbyG*

      Definitely a her thing.

      I wonder too if she’s sort of testing the waters about how much she’s “allowed” to complain to you.

      A few times in the newborn months someone I was talking about the challenges with would suddenly say something like, “As long as the baby is doing well, that’s all that matters.” I didn’t have the emotional resources to say, “Well, no. My well being also matters.”

      Maybe since she knows you’re eager to be a parent, she’s worried about complaining too much to you. So in her sleep-deprived mind she’s hearing “seems doable” as an implicit critique of her complaining.

      I’m just spitballing, obviously. I hope she and baby are doing well and that you get lots of those great baby cuddles with your tkny new friend!

    3. Quagga*

      Your friend is in the thick of it and is probably totally stupefied with exhaustion, both physical and mental. When she doubles down on how hard caring for a newborn is, it’s her telling you she’s having a really difficult time. Especially if the baby is less than 3 months old, she probably would just appreciate a little hand patting and sympathy. Source: I have a one-year old.

    4. Alex*

      Maybe it’s less that she doesn’t want you to have kids and more that she is using your relative excitement about having kids as a proxy for how “seen” she is feeling. She’s clearly having a tough time and wants validation that what she is experiencing as tough REALLY IS TOUGH. So maybe feed that back to her in your answer?

      Friend: “Is this dissuading you from having kids?”
      You: “I still really want kids, although I do have a better appreciation for how hard it is watching you go through it!”

      Or even:
      Friend: “Is this dissuading you from having kids?”
      You: “Actually, I know I want them even more–if I’m willing to go through what you are going through and STILL want them, I must really want them!”

      You don’t have to pretend her struggles have turned you off from kids to acknowledge how hard it is!

      2. Anon Here*

        I like this response. “I see it’s really hard, and I have so much admiration for how well you’re handling it, I feel inspired to take on this challenge myself.” Let her know she’s a role model and that you respect what she’s doing.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Something from my experience you might be able to blow parts of… YES colic was torturous for all of us, but when she calmed down and smiled, it was even more blissful for the contrast.
        Yep I’d do it again.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Just my opinion but parents become so immersed in their new little one, I am not even sure if they know I am there talking to them. I don’t think that is a negative, I think it just IS, that’s all.

      Your friend probably does not have enough of herself left to offer you any reassurances. For that I would recommend talking to parents whose children are a bit older. This friend here is more on the side of needing YOU to buoy her up. Oddly, I think she needs your reassurances about how she is doing.

      1. Washi*

        I definitely don’t feel like I need her reassurance! Despite seeing her struggles, I still feel pretty strongly that I would like to have kids. Just trying to navigate the weird dynamics of the “is this turning you off from kids” question, which I’m realizing is not necessarily even the question, and more an extension of her need of validation from me.

        1. blackcat*

          Yeah, she’s not asking if you want to have kids. She’s asking if you see how hard this is for her. By continuing to respond “Yes, I want kids” she may be hearing “This isn’t all that hard.”

          So instead, answer the real question. “That sounds really tough.” “I can see it’s hard when X happens.” etc. Then… stop. Maybe through on a “Would it help if I did Y.” If she keeps asking the question, you can turn things back around and say that you’re there to support her and want to focus on her/the baby.

          (FWIW, one of my dear friends helped me out a few times with my newborn when I was desperate. He really wanted a third kid at the time. Helping me out snapped him out of it and put him firmly back in “Wait, my kids are out of diapers and self-sufficient WHY WOULD I DO THIS AGAIN?!?!” There will be no third baby for him. So… being around a newborn dissuading people from having a kid is, in fact, a thing that can happen. And I’ve had plenty of people say something like “Wow, if I went through that, I would have stopped at one.”)

          1. lasslisa*

            The other thing I hear in that question is “is this okay for me to talk to you about”. Like, is my experience here and sharing it with you giving you the wrong impression that everything is always terrible, am I being a downer and should I just stop complaining so that you can keep feeling good, etc. A lot of people are socialized not to want to talk about bad things, not to bring people down, etc.

            Honestly I think the way you’re already responding is probably the best way you can. Maybe put in a little more reassurance that she’s obviously having a really hard time and it’s okay for her to have a really hard time and doesn’t make her a bad mom, and you’re glad she feels comfortable to share even the downsides with you. Also everyone agrees this newborn time is super hard but it doesn’t last forever.

    6. Anon time*

      I don’t think she’s really asking if you still want to have kids. Just give her sympathy and ignore the question. She wants sympathy, and validation that what she’s going through sounds objectively hard. It’s not dishonest to not fully engage with the question. Just take it as a vent.

      1. Anon time*

        And to be honest, I would have been a little irritated if I had vented to a friend about parenthood, and they had basically been like, no, your experience convinces me to have a kid! Because…
        sure, maybe it doesn’t seem that bad/seems manageable from the outside. But I assure you, when all this is happening in a state of sleep deprivation, I would not have taken that as a compliment. I would have probably felt like you didn’t truly understand just how bad it was (because..of course you can’t without going through it, but I would have wanted sympathy). My kid is a little over a year, and those first few months are just so raw, just some commiseration is all you need to/should do.

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          Yes. I felt like I had postpartum depression for 4 years, and all I wanted was to feel heard. Plus society as a whole is not receptive to hearing mothers who are not completely over the moon about the physical, psychological, and emotional demands of child care.

    7. Glomarization, Esq.*

      When I see “is this dissuading your from having kids?” I’m actually hearing, “I feel deeply dissuaded from having this kid and the only way I can safely express it is by joking.”

      Regret at becoming a mother is real. Dig The Mask of Motherhood by Susan Maushart (ISBN: 978-1-56584-483-4) for some thoughts about how it’s impossible to talk about (though it’s gotten better since that was published). Also Mother Shock Loving Every (Other) Minute of It by Andrea Buchanan (ISBN-10: 1580050824).

      1. Washi*

        I actually don’t think this is it! To be honest, my friend can be kind of negative – we’ve known each other since we were children, and I’ve always been hoping that maybe she’ll be happier once she finishes high school, or once she finishes college, or once she finishes grad school, once she’s gotten a job, once she’s pregnant, etc. And now that she’s had the baby, finally she is happier than I’ve ever seen her! Obviously it’s still really hard and there’s still plenty of complaining/venting, but she’s also more optimistic than she ever has been in the past. And that’s the part that has been reassuring to me, that a baby didn’t make my chronically unhappy friend more miserable, but actually added joy to her life, on net.

        I think another piece, now that I think about it, is that me wanting kids is a relatively new thing. My friend has always wanted to be a parent, even when she was a child herself, whereas I spent my teens feeling confident that I did not want to be a mom. At the point when I started changing my mind and realizing that I do want to be a parent, my friend would often make comments about I still didn’t want it as much as her, and how it is different for me because I could imagine adopting, whereas my friend only wants to be a bio parent, etc. And I always found that a little hurtful, which is why it’s hard for me not to take some of her comments now personally.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Sometimes when I want to put the friendship first, I say simply, “Okay, you win.” Then I say nothing further on the subject.

          “I want kids more than you.”
          “Okay, you win.”

          But what has she won? Meanwhile, you have definitely won freedom from this on-going contrived contest she has running as you name her the winner.

          I am not real comfy with the adoption aspect of her remarks. At some point, I think I might have to ask, “So if I adopt a kid, how does that impact how you think about my kid?”

          We had friends who asked us how we would feel about their future adopted child. We said, “Eh, it’s YOUR kid.” Then I pointed out family members who had been adopted. “Wait. You have been telling us about these relatives and never once mentioned adoption.” I said, “They think of it often, but it’s not something I see when I look at them. I see my family members.”

          You may want to wait on this conversation until she is more settled into her new life with child. Some of what she is saying might be because of No Sleep and just rambling. I suspect she is grasping at straws here in the hopes of getting something that is not even remotely related to what you two are talking about.

  67. Elenna*

    Looking to rent an apartment closer to work as I’m definitely not going to deal with 1.5-2 hour commutes forever (or even for the few years my parents want me to live with them to save up for a down payment). Rent in my area costs over half my after-tax salary which sucks, but still.

    What do you look for when choosing apartments? So far on my list of things to look for:
    – Price (obviously)
    – Travel time (to work, to my parents’ house, to the downtown area of the nearby big city)
    – Utilities
    – Wifi (I assume rental places aren’t going to come with wifi, but might as well check)
    – Laundry
    – Location/convenience of electric plugs
    – General condition of the apartment
    – Kitchen appliances
    – Thermostat control

    1. blackcat*

      #1, which is sometimes unknowable, but sometimes possible to find out, is the quality of the landlord/property management. Prior to owning, all three of my landlords were WONDERFUL. And that made my life so much easier than many of my friends!

    2. Gaia*

      The biggest things I look for are

      – price
      – location
      – laundry (in unit is a must for me)
      – general property maintenance
      – electric outlets and their placement
      – appropriate lighting (WHY do living rooms not have lights?)
      – minimal carpet (people are nasty and I don’t trust that it is cleaned well enough)
      – sound from neighboring units (I try to tour when people will likely be home)

    3. Dancing Otter*

      In addition to those already mentioned:
      If you drive, check the parking situation.
      Accessibility – you may not need it now, but what if you’re hurt? And do you want to be hauling groceries up umpteen flights of stairs?
      Storage, both seasonal and daily. If you have any large kitchen tools, check whether they will fit in the cupboards. Where will you store your luggage and the holiday decorations? Where will you keep the vacuum cleaner, the mop and the bucket?
      Water pressure (My landlord is so concerned about saving the planet that it takes 20 minutes to fill the sink, and longer to rinse than to wash in the shower. It’s not structural; it’s deliberate.) and how long it takes to get hot. Water quality, as well: if you can taste anything in the water, it may not be safe.
      Dishwashing: if there’s a dishwasher, does it really work? Is there room to rinse and drain, when washing by hand?
      Ventilation and drafts. Are there exhaust fans, and how well do they work? Do the windows seal tightly? If there’s an air conditioner, is there a cold draft through it in the winter? Does the thermostat actually work, for that matter? (My bedroom is easily ten to fifteen degrees colder than the living room, largely because of drafts.)
      Animals, particularly other people’s animals, and whether they leave messes or threaten passersby. Does your potential unit smell of cat or dog? Even a no-pets building has to allow service animals, so allergies could be an issue. (And tenant’s sneak pets in, regardless.)

      There will have to be trade-offs, inevitably. I pay more for an elevator building with package-receiving than I would for a walk-up with no security for deliveries, for example.

    4. Dan*

      I’ve been renting the same unit for ten years, so it’s been awhile since I’ve seriously “looked”, (and that even includes a job change) but…

      Utilities and WiFi only matter (IMHO) as part of the total price. With regards to temperature control… my unit lets me switch from A/C to Heat whenever I want and then set the individual temp. I’ve lived in older buildings where it was either one or the other and the super decides when to change it (often IAW some sort of state law governing such.) I will never again live in a unit that decides that for me, as long as I have a choice.

      Parking. Parking in my complex is great, and it’s not access controlled. No permits required. I’ve looked at moving, and online reviews are like “good luck having friends over if they have to drive.” (And in the suburban wasteland I live in, *people drive* no matter the county planners’ long term vision is.)

      Elevators. Places I’ve looked at moving to have lots of complaints about the elevators. My current place is garden-style (no elevators) AND I HAVE A GROUND FLOOR UNIT. ITS AWESOME.

      Transit Accessibility. I work in suburbia but enjoy the city night life. So while I drive to work five days a week, I need to be a responsible citizen on the weekends.

      Pet Policies. (If it matters.)

    5. Zephy*

      Two things you didn’t list:

      – If you have a car: Parking! Is there a parking lot or a driveway, or are you supposed to park on the street? If you have a private garage in your unit, do you have to park your car in it, or are you allowed to utilize that space some other way? If there’s a resident lot/garage, do you get an assigned space or is it a free-for-all? What’s the guest parking policy? How safe is the place where you’ll be keeping your car, whatever it is?

      – Cell service! You might not be able to test wifi if you’re responsible for your own internet service, but you’ll want to know if you’re living in a dead zone for data and/or voice.

      – General condition of the surrounding area. Try to visit the area at various times of day and days of the week. Maybe there’s a group of religious folks that post up on the corner and shout into a PA system at passing cars about the impending return of Christ, or have a revival tent they set up in the vacant lot across the way on Friday nights. Maybe there’s a bunch of drunk dudes that hang around the grocery store parking lot and hassle people every night after 6 PM. Maybe all of the surrounding units are full of screaming children and/or amateur musicians, and they were all at work or school while you were touring the place.

    6. Gatomon*

      – Price – check not only the price but the added fees and cost of utilities. Most utility companies can give you the average bill for an address if you call them. I’ve also noticed some places now tacking on fees for water and trash that traditionally have been included.
      – Move out policy – this is usually posted on the website so you can view it in advance. If it’s super onerous, expect to lose some of your deposit. If you still want to live there, just plan on staying long enough that you won’t care if you don’t get it all back.
      – Other tenants – no one wants to live in the party complex. :( I prefer places with company trucks in the lot after 5, like the local cable co, or a construction company, etc. I’ve found those are the places where things are generally well maintained, people are friendly and there are few issues with parties or crime.
      – Build quality – did they cheap out with fixtures and finishes to make it look nice, or was money and care put into how things were built? Carpet floors are less desirable but they DO muffle noise.

    7. Anono-me*

      Security.

      Parking. Will you and your guests have safe spaces to park? Is there enough guest parking?

      Noise. (I lived under a major airport’s favorite flight path. The rent was cheap, but not cheap enough for that.)

      Outdoor space. You need some place to enjoy time outside.

    8. Observer*

      Don’t worry about wifi. As long as you have a decent internet connection, you can get wifi up very inexpensively. On the other hand, the places that have it already are likely to be charging significantly higher prices.

    9. Alex*

      Storage space
      Water pressure and toilet action. Turn on the shower, faucets, and flush the toilet if you can.
      Any signs of bugs/mice (traps, etc.)
      Cross breezes–where are the windows located?

    10. KR*

      Keep in mind even if the new place comes with free wifi, it may not be a secured network and they may make you sign some sort of waiver giving over your data to them.

      I look at the bathroom, specifically the shower/tub. I have lived in two different apartments with bathtubs that are literally impossible to clean and are in some instances painted over – which while it has a nice temporary look, the second you try cleaning it the paint starts to come up. I also look at how well the windows and doors seal. I toured a place once with a noticeable gap on the bottom of the front door. When I asked them if that would be fixed prior to moving in, they informed me they had already done the nessecary repairs on the place. It also wasn’t a “fire door” but a normal wood door that you would typically use for a room, not the front door of an apartment. My current rental, the windows don’t seal correctly. It’s not a deal breaker but it has a noticable affect on our heating/cooling costs and means that sandstorms are a bit more of a hassle (could be rain, pollutants, or dust where you live).

    12. Chaordic One*

      Well, people have all mentioned parking and elevators among other things. Sometimes you’ll want to know if you can hear the neighbors in the apartments next door. Where I live there are an awful lot of basement apartments, as well as apartments constructed using slab foundations and I’ve found that they seem cold, even when the room temperature is comfortable. I guess it’s just the concrete floor under the flooring.

      It can be awfully hard to tell about the neighbors. I’ve had apartments where everything was fine, but then the good neighbors moved away and the new neighbors were jerks.

    13. Bilateralrope*

      Shower height. A surprising number of places have showers designed for short people.

      I’m about average height. When I was looking for a place, i found a lot of places where the shower head was too low for me to stand underneath it, even at its highest possible point. Several landlords claimed it was “standard height”.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Safety of neighborhood.
      Someone once suggested I call the police”s administration line to ask about an area I was looking in….and the beautiful one I was amazed I could afford was in a high crime area. Add in that it was on the ground floor and I went with my 2nd favorite.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Also taste the water… sulfur water drove me out of one place. I don’t know if landlords would go for it, but if I weren’t in a public water supply area I’d ask how often they test the well.

    15. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Any big renovations/construction projects planned? You may not get full details by asking, but it would be useful to know and presumably not offensive to ask.

      In terms of things you can reasonably find out, on-site office versus off-site. I’ve found places with an employee on site every day tend to be kept up better and that employee is more likely to proactively notice and deal with quality of life things in common areas or on the grounds.

      Mail situation – where are the mailboxes, do they individually lock, do the locks work, and what about outbound mail? My cousin once rented a place where they didn’t bother to fix the broken lock on his mailbox while the apartment was empty, so he had several weeks of worrying about mail theft while he waited for maintenance to get around to it. Personally, I’m also not comfortable leaving outbound mail in a non-secure area rather than a locking dropbox, which may or may not fit with the mail situation you find at any given apartment. (You can always drop your outbound mail off elsewhere, though.)

      Having an office that’s willing to receive packages for you is nice, but most won’t. (I think they will in fancier buildings – my ex-boyfriend’s parents had a condominium with secured elevators and a concierge desk in the lobby, and I think the concierge would sign for packages rather than let in delivery people.) You may be able to find a place with package lockers with the mailboxes (I’ve had those at pretty cheap places – the post office likes them since it’s more efficient to deliver packages to the mailbox area rather than to front doors, so I think they’re pretty easy to get permission to install), but those only work for things sent through the mail.

      Immediate neighborhood – can you walk to someplace that sells things you might want on short notice (grocery/pharmacy/hardware are the three I try to find, I don’t generally get all 3). Also look for distance to mass transit. It’s convenient if you want to take transit yourself, may impact street parking if other people drive into your neighborhood to park and catch transit, and the one time I had my car stolen it was when I parked it overnight as the very closest car on a side street near a transit station, and some people stole it to drive across town and abandon it after getting off transit and wanting a ride somewhere else transit didn’t go. (I chose to try and live within walking distance of, but at least 50-100 parking places away from, major transit hubs after that. I figure such people will pick a different car to steal before walking all the way to mine if there are multiple blocks with other cars parked on them before they’d walk by mine. It’s worked so far.)

  68. Gaia*

    Another week, another anxiety update

    I know everything says it takes weeks for you to feel better on medication but I think I’m starting to feel better. What really made it clear was something that happened yesterday.

    I am currently taking 1/2 a 10mg Lexapro (so 5mg) pill each day. I’m supposed to up that to a full dose (so 10mg) after two weeks which would be next Thursday – Thanksgiving. I will be home visiting my family and I thought this might not be a great day to change my dose but I wanted to check with my doctor. While on the phone I suddenly realized I felt anxious. There was a tightness in my chest, my heart rate picked up. I felt anxious. And I noticed it. Because I didn’t feel anxious before that.

    Another example. My light did something weird (there will be another post about this) where it shut off randomly for a few minutes and then randomly came back on. I immediately thought it seemed like an electrical issue. This previously would have put me in a spin where I was terrified my apartment was going to burn down. I was worried. I did Google. But I didn’t panic. I feel cautiously concerned and am having someone come look at it.

    I am starting to get some side effects from the medication. Sometimes I feel like I physically need to move. Like I’ll have a built up physical energy and so I’ll just rub my hands together or pace the room for a minute. It doesn’t last long, but hopefully this passes. It is weird.

    Everything feels a bit muted. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be. I still feel happy. I still feel sad. I still feel anxious. But not in extremes. But it has only been a week and everyone says you’re not supposed to feel much after just a week. So who knows?

    1. Formerly in HR*

      While I didn’t take Lexapro for anxiety, I too noticed that after 2-3 weeks it mellowed down life things for me. They weren’t as powerful in making me angry, concerned, sad etc. Then the MBSR helped with becoming more aware of what I am doing/ thinking /feeling.

      1. Gaia*

        Being aware of my feelings and the reasons behind them is very difficult for me. It is what makes talk therapy so hard. They’ll ask why I feel X way and….I have no idea. Or they’ll ask how does Y make me feel and it’s like I feel something but I don’t have the words for it.

        I would love it if, as my brain calms down, that gets better too.

      1. Gaia*

        I feel hopeful, Parenthetically. Thank you for your support. I can’t express how helpful it has been.

    3. M*

      Congratulations. I am cautiously quite happy for you that the meds are working. I recently learned from an expert in the field that only 50% of people with depression get good results from antidepressants.

      1. Gaia*

        Thank you. Yes, I read that too. Many people go through several types and doses before finding the right match and some never do. I’m still very early and who knows what will happen. My first medication was very very bad for me. But so far this one is good and if that changes, I’ll keep trying. It is worth it to feel better.

    4. LGC*

      I’m so glad you’re feeling better!

      I think when I took Lexapro myself (back about…ten years ago, now?), it was surprisingly fast. I took it for depression, so slightly different than your issue. I can definitely see the blunting of emotions – I felt that a little myself, but I was kind of expecting it.

      I would ask your doctor about the urge for movements. That could be fairly serious!

      1. Gaia*

        I’m going to mention it when I go back for my check-in after Thanksgiving. In order to put me on medication, she insisted I schedule (and keep) a follow-up appointment to make sure I’m doing okay. It isn’t so often and so much of an urge that I’m worried. And it could just be that my mind is signalling an ability to be more active. But I know there are serious risks with these medications, so I want to make sure she is aware.

  69. Fikly*

    Biggest brain fail moments?

    I’ve been having an acute allergic reaction since last Sunday morning (so much fun! You too can have your body decide to try and kill itself because you are in pain, hahaha) and thus have been taking 25mg of benadryl every 3 hours pretty much around the clock. Plus three other medications to try and prevent needing to use my epi.

    Anyway, I had two MRIs on Tuesday to see what is going on with my spine, and of course I had to take my medical alert bracelet off. I stuck it in a pocket in my backpack so it wouldn’t get lost. When I go back to get dressed after the scans are done, I can’t find it anywhere. I empty the entire bag, check my pants pockets, the floor, the locker where I left my stuff, etc. I ask staff, no one can find it.

    I left a description, but resigned myself to having to buy a new one.

    Two days later I find it….

    On my wrist.

    1. Filosofickle*

      Last week I was having some furniture moved. As the guys were finishing up at the truck, I realized the keys to the locking cabinet weren’t there. The last I’d seen, they were stuck in the cabinet lock. I asked the guys if they’d seen them, I retraced our steps across the street and up the stairs, I looked all over the office floor. They were in my pocket.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve recently (two months) started using a handbag where the most convenient pocket for my phone is one on the outside where the phone sticks out an inch or so. I’ve developed a habit, as a result, of reaching back (it’s a backpack style) and checking to make sure it’s pushed firmly down into the pocket. But the number of times I’ve reached to check my phone in the backpack slip pocket with my right hand, while holding my phone in my left hand, and had a moment of panic that I had lost my phone as a result of finding the pocket empty, is just ridiculous.

    4. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I’m really sorry about your pain, but I chuckled at the story.
      I have my fair share of brain farts, but a few weeks ago, at work, a coworker was measuring something for classification purposes. The criterion is “does or doesn’t exceed 180 mm of length”. Coworker says it does and shows me a TINY length – it was barely longer than her phalanx. I asked how in the world can it be 18 cm long. She looked at me funny then couldn’t stop laughing : she had equated 180 mm to 1.8 cm.

    5. NewReadingGlasses*

      Well, I have searched for my glasses while wearing them, and tried to use my electronic key card to open my front door, that uses a regular key, a couple of times in the past month, so yeah.

    6. Randomity*

      I’ve stormed through my flat trying to find a t shirt and getting really angry that it was lost. While I was wearing it.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      After 2 days of using my backup glasses, I started asking for them at work and anywhere with a lost & found. And then needed my sunglasses at lunchtime and found both cases in that part of my backpack. Could have sworn I’d looked there a half dozen times already.
      Worse was 20-bump years ago on a vacation when I reported being pickpocketed in a city, only to find the two missing travelers checks in a hidden zip compartment of my then-new backpack. I didn’t even remember that spot existed. ..jetlag brain.

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      If it’s any comfort to my fellow sufferers, these “where is it hiding in plain sight” moments are fun to replay later.

      Twice this past week I’ve stood in the hallway outside our apartment(afterclosing the self-locking door) to conduct a frantic right-handed search for my home and auto keys, only to realize that I already had them. In my left hand. Clutched amidst other junk (lunch bag, newspaper, gloves) that obscured them from view.

    9. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      More than once, I have frantically looked all over my house, trying to figure out where my hat is. It was on my head.

    10. Elenna*

      Went to an escape room with some friends yesterday.
      WARNING: if anyone thinks they’re likely to visit the Riddle Room in Toronto, specifically the Castle escape room, probably don’t read this post.

      Part of it was finding four statues of knights and putting them in the right pedestals in the corners of the room, facing the right way.
      The very first thing we saw on entering the (dark) room was a big throne on a pedestal, with some papers hinting that there was something under the throne. On top of the throne, there was a helmet with a knight statue under it. I looked under the throne, didn’t see anything, decided that must have been what they meant.
      A good half-hour later, we called for a hint, and they pointed out the hidden compartment in the pedestal with another knight statue (as well as the code we were supposed to use to find a third knight statue, which we had ended up brute-forcing). It had been literally right beside me when I crouched down to stare at the underside of the throne. *infinite facepalming*

      (Bonus brain-fart: at the very end we knew X knight needed to face east, Y needed to face south, etc, but we didn’t know which way was north. So we just tried all the options. Turns out there was an arrow on the floor pointing north, which we had probably covered with papers. Apparently that’s a pretty common issue.)

  71. Relly*

    This is an odd request, but maybe other people can help me out with it!

    My guilty pleasure has always been celebrity gossip, especially blind items. I take all of it with a grain of salt, I assume plenty of it is fictitious, but I like poking through the information anyway. And making wild guesses at the blinds based on the offhand clues.

    I used to frequent a website that posted blinds and let people comment and speculate on them, but it shut down years ago. (Sadly, I don’t remember its name.) Recently, I found another website that does much the same — Blind Gossip dot com, no spaces — and was thrilled to have my guilty pleasure back. At first.

    The problem is that the BG people are very opinionated and don’t bother to cover any of their biases. It’s got a strong political lean to it, one I’m not fond of, and plenty of the blinds have a political slant to them as a result. On top of that it can’t go an entire week without declaring Meghan Markle to secretly be the anti-Christ. (It has other people it unreasonably loathes, but MM seems to be a favorite at the moment.)

    Are there other sites I could be hitting up? I miss my gossip / blind fix, but this place just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

    3. Daji*

      I read Celebitchy religiously. The commenters can be a mixed bag, but a lot of folks actively call out racism/sexism (especially recently regarding how Meghan gets treated by the press) which is nice to see.

  72. Gaia*

    People who know things about electrical stuff:

    About two weeks ago, the overhead light in my bedroom burned out (after 4 years) and was changed with LED lights that are supposed to last 10 years). There are two bulbs. Yesterday, while my lights were on, one flickered and turned off like it had burned out. I didn’t think anything other than that my property managers had probably paid a ton for clearly crap bulbs. I called them and asked to have someone come replace it (The ceiling is 10ft tall and I’m short!).

    Then, about five minutes later when the light was still on (the other bulb), the “burned out” bulb flickered and came back on. The property manager’s maintenance guy seems incredibly unconcerned with this. I did a quick Google and it was unhelpful. Has anyone seen anything like this? Time for an electrician?

    1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      I think LED bulbs can act like they had a loose wire. My apartment has halogen can lights, and the previous tenant replaced them with LED bulbs. They’d flicker periodically and then be fine, and then flicker again. When I had maintenance come replace them, he said there was definitely something wrong because the bulbs were hot to the touch, and LEDs aren’t supposed to generate heat. We had to replace all four of them over the space of a year, and they all acted like this as they started to burn out. I can only guess they weren’t compatible with the fixture, and I’m just glad we didn’t have a fire. My unit has sprinklers, but I’d rather not use them!

      1. valentine*

        I have LEDs that say they’re not meant for timers, dimmers, or enclosed fixtures. And the x years is based on y hours/day, which is a laughable amount that doesn’t apply even in high summer.

    3. Illumination need not be revolting*

      More likely time for a new lightbulb than time for an electrician.

      Figure that some part of the support electronics (that convert from your house’s ~120V AC to the LED’s 3 to 5V DC) inside the bulb has gone bad. (WAG: poor soldering at some internal connection.) Not really surprising, all things considered.

      (I’ve got an LED bulb that has a short (or something) that doen’t cut its capacitor(s) out when the switch is off. This results in a bulb that faintly glows for 20-30 minutes after it has been turned off … or unscrewed from the socket.)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The lamp itself could be failing even if new. My MIL bought 3 ceiling lamps from Home Depot when renovating, decided to use a different one in the bathroom, and gave us her extra because we wanted to replace a cracked fixture in our kitchen.
        Two of the three went off&on at random within months. The third did the same a few years later. The EE husband found that bad solder joints were breaking connection when the lamp heated up, then reconnecting after the bulbs were out a while. Admittedly could be very different because those weren’t LED bulbs.

  73. I'm A Little Teapot*

    I just need 2019 to end. Seriously, this is starting to get ridiculous. My mom has been diagnosed with cancer. She had an emergency appendectomy in October, and when they tested the appendix they found cancer in it. Lovely. So we’ve been going through all that crap – dr meeting, schedule, test, wait, dr meeting, etc. We did this as a family before, so we know the drill. But it all sucks.

    But this time, mom’s not in great health to start with. Dad’s got early dementia, and while he still works his functionality is finely balanced. Last time, my sister still lived with them. Now, we’re both 300+ miles away. And it’s clear that they just can’t cope without help this time. Sister has gone a couple times to attend dr appts. Mom has to have surgery, and I have to go because based on the last month, there’s no way they can cope. both of them cognitively are unable to handle all this. Surgery isn’t scheduled yet though.

    I’m looking at blowing up December, but I don’t know when or how badly yet. I mean, spending a week there is going to cause problems no matter when it happens, but which week has an impact. How badly do I mess up work? How badly do I mess up home? What about Christmas? I do not know yet, and that is just a problem.

    On top of all this crap, I’m apparently doing another wave of grief for my kitty who died in April. It’s cold, its dark, my eyes are really dry so the contacts are uncomfortable, literally everyone at work is getting sick (and it’s a pretty nasty virus), my asthma has been problematic this fall and if I get sick I’ll probably end up in the hospital. The stupid car dealership messed up the address and the bank got the wrong address so I didn’t get the statement and had to deal with that. I just, can’t handle much more. Its been nonstop all year. I literally can’t tell you all the crap that’s happened this year, that’s how much there was. I wish I didn’t have to be a grownup.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      So very sorry the ceiling is falling down on you here.
      Is there anyway you and Sis can bring in external help for your folks?

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        We’re working on getting someone in to clean the house. It might be a one time thing, but at least the house will be clean. Otherwise, probably not much.

        I did not have a good day yesterday. A full night’s sleep helped.

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      No suggestions, just sympathy. This year had too many hard things in it for my family, too, and it’s amazing how there is just no “out of personal resources maximum” to hit and the hard things can just keep coming even though you have no brain left to deal with them.

      Our society really doesn’t have “caring for the elderly” figured out in any way that isn’t exhausting for family members.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Exactly. I’m just out of capacity to handle it all. I just, can’t. Emotionally tired. I’ve been playing dumb video games nearly every night, because it is really helping. Can’t tell you why it does, but it helps. I need to get a couple more lego ps3 games.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          My mom and I both spent about half hour yesterday dropping everything and trying to catch the neighbor’s dog (the dog had gotten loose and we saw it running through mom’s back yard – we also texted the neighbor to let her know before going on Volunteer Dog-Catching Patrol), because it felt like something with actual accomplishments possible, rather than dealing with grandma’s declining health, which is more of a morass of waiting and trying to deal with things that won’t get any better. (Other relatives kept an eye on grandma while we wandered the neighborhood. Grandma is currently in a state where she is just well enough to try and get out of bed, but not with it enough to realize that she shouldn’t try to get out of bed.)

          Sometimes you just need something with accomplishments. I’m tempted to get the new Pokemon game for this reason, even though I know I have no time to play video games right now.

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            I get it. I just spent 2 hours cleaning up leaves in the yard. Now working on my grocery list, before heading out to the store. And I may stop by the music/movies/games used store and see what I find.

        2. MommaCat*

          I absolutely get you. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and then, right when I’m starting to feel right on top of it all…my mom goes on hospice. Again. After failing out of hospice a few months ago (she has advanced dementia). And now my siblings and I are taking turns holding vigil, since we’re pretty sure this is the end, but we were pretty sure it was the end last year, too… it’s all hard.
          On the positive, it seems I’ve passed through the major anxiety I was feeling into a dull resignation, so that’s a relief. Jedi hugs your way, if you need it, and general good vibes, too.

    3. Arts Akimbo*

      I’m so sorry. That’s awful, and I hope 2020 is filled with good things for you. Heck, I hope December is filled with good things for you!

  74. LuckySophia*

    Sending internet hugs and sympathy for you, your sister, your mom and your dad. And for the loss you are still feeling from your kitty’s departure. It takes more than a few months (at least, in my experience) to reach some kind of equilibrium in the absence of our beloved cat companions. Some years are just…horrible all around, and silver linings are scarce to nonexistent, and it just sucks.

    I don’t know if these suggestions will apply or help, but: can your boss or HR help you set up something like an intermittent FMLA, or a temporary “work remotely” situation to help you get through December? Can they let you work from home now, just so you can avoid all the workplace viruses (because you won’t want to expose your mom to that, either pre- or post-surgery.)

    In your parents’ hometown or county, is there an Agency on Aging (or similar) that can advise you on local support resources such as, perhaps, “Visiting Nurses” that could administer meds to your mom (or dad). Or “Meals on Wheels” for the times when your mom won’t be up to cooking? Also, there’s a nationwide (I think) U.S. franchise called “Visiting Angels” that can provide different types of in-home support services, from driving your mom/dad to the grocery/pharmacy/hair appointment/etc., to….I think they can help with light meal prep and cleanup, too. (I know folks in both Illinois and in Pennsylvania that have used their local services, and been very pleased.) It wouldn’t take the place of the things you’ll be doing, but it could fill in some gaps until you can get there….or even while you’re there, those services could help support your dad if you are busy at the hospital with your mom.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Thanks. I’m eligible for FMLA, and if I need it will get it. Right now, work actually helps me keep it together. I am able to wfh and do sometimes. The people who’ve been sick are good about staying home. Of course, they’ve been so sick that they haven’t had a choice. Whatever the virus is, it’s kinda like a mini flu.

      Mom and dad are in this weird space where they can’t really handle things too well, but aren’t bad enough to be eligible for assistance. Particularly since in their area the assistance groups are spread extremely thin. Under normal circumstances, they get along ok, just the house is dirty. These are not normal circumstances. We’re trying to arrange for a house cleaner to come. Even if it’s a one time thing, it’ll help a lot with that problem. As crazy as my life has been, my sister’s has been pretty calm. So she’s been helping with a lot of the medical side of things. The wheels haven’t fallen off the bus yet.

  75. Lost in the Woods*

    I’m having a hard time deciding what to bake tomorrow, so I’m turning to the internet to give me advice! The choices are:
    Sourdough Bread (pros: delicious, great smell, useful, cons: made it last week and still have some left, and will be making some for Thanksgiving), caramel pretzel blondies (pros: delicious, love the flavor combination, branching out from my all bread all the time phase, cons: I would have to make caramel which is a pain), or snickerdoodles (pros: loved by my whole household, cinammony, classic, cons: I don’t have shortening and am going to need to go to the store, while one of the great joys of saturdays for me is not having to drive).
    Which one should I make? Or should I make something else entirely?

    1. BRR*

      I’d probably do sourdough and blondies (which sound amazing!). I like to slice and freeze my sourdough and toast a slice in the mornings. If you have a lot, I like to make a savory bread pudding with some leaks, spinach, bread chunks, and a custard. I’ve found Tartines caramel sauce very easy for caramel if that helps. It’s on William Sonoma’s website.

        1. university minion*

          It’s what I do throughout the year when I end up with too much and it’s threatening to mold or I have a loaf that didn’t turn out great for whatever reason. Those cubes go in the freezer to become stuffing, bread pudding or croutons.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            My MIL intentionally dries out the cubes…they then go in a jar or heavy baggie in the pantry. My mind was blown.

    3. Ali G*

      Do you mind sharing your bread recipe? I’d love to get into baking bread, but it’s intimidating!
      I’m not one for sweets, so I vote for the bread :) but out of those choices I’d send someone out for shortening and do the snickerdoodles.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        My sourdough recipe is modified from a King Arthur Flour recipe from a few years ago:
        8 oz ripe sourdough starter (~ 8 hours after feeding, bubbly)
        12 oz lukewarm water
        2 tsp instant yeast
        1 tbsp sugar
        2 1/2 tsp salt
        21 1/4 oz King Arthur AP flour, or bread flour from any other brand
        -Combine all in a bowl, knead to form a smooth dough
        -Move to a greased bowl, cover with a clean kitchen towel
        -Let rise until doubled (I live at altitude, so this is about 70 minutes)
        -punch down, let rise until doubled
        – shape into whatever shapes you want – this is enough for two regular loaves, place on parchment on a rimmed baking sheet
        -let rise until puffy, for me about 50 minutes
        -about halfway through shaped rising time, preheat oven to 425F. I use a baking stone in the bottom third of the oven, which modulates the temperature
        -Add water to a pan (I use a random cake pan)
        -Make slashes in the top of each loaf, about 1/2 inch deep, to allow steam to escape. The key here is to use a very sharp blade and to move really fast to avoid sticking
        -Place loaves in the oven, then put the pan of water below it. This turns into steam in the oven and facilitates in-oven rising and crustiness
        -Bake for about 25-30 minutes, until the crust is deep golden brown. Be aware that loaf size will impact this time, it’s better to use visual cues than raw time
        -the hardest part – wait at least ab hour to slice. The texture continues to form after the bread is out of the oven, so for best results you’ve gotta wait
        Homemade bread is amazing, and really not as hard as people make it out to be.

        1. Lost in the Woods*

          My starter (yeast culture) was a gift, but you can make your own pretty easily. You can also start with regular non sourdough bread with instant yeast if making a starter sounds intimidating/not interesting right now. Bread is flour+yeast+salt+water, that’s it, everything else is just gussying up.

      2. BRR*

        If you want to do more artisan type bread, I’d highly recommend flour water salt yeast (heads up that all of the breads are baked in a cast iron Dutch oven). For more sandwich Loaf type bread, King Arthur flour has a ton of recipes on their website that are quite good. Sourdough is more advanced, and probably not a great recipe to start out with. I’d recommend the book Tartine Bread or you can find a lot of information on the perfect loaf.

        But don’t be intimidated by bread baking! My best friend who is a great baker is intimidated by yeast. I joke it’s a propaganda campaign from big sandwich.

        1. Lost in the Woods*

          Yeah, should’ve mentioned that sourdough is a bit more advanced on the bread ladder. I do believe that the best way to learn is to make something you really want, though, so if Ali G is a huge sourdough fan I don’t think it’s the worst idea to jump right in! (My first loaf was a miserable failure of a brioche, but it taught me a lot about how bread works, so even though it was kind of a rock it was a worthwhile learning experience).

          I think people get intimidated by the fact that you have to deal with rising times, and the idea that yeast is alive and that you can kill it if you screw up. This is way less of an issue with modern instant yeast than with active dry yeast, but the hesitance remains.

    4. Lcsa99*

      I will always vote for anything with caramel :)

      But if your household would adore the snickerdoodles they might be the best choice. I can share my awesome snickerdoodle recipe that calls for butter instead of shortening if you don’t want to go out.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        Yes, please! I’ve tried a couple of recipes but they’ve always ended up with a weird texture, so a tried and true recipe with butter would be fantastic!

        1. Lcsa99*

          We love this recipe and have even successfully made it vegan – it’s that flexible!

          Snickerdoodles

          2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
          2 tsp cream of tartar
          1 tsp baking soda
          1/2 teaspoon salt
          1 cup unsalted butter, softened
          1 1/2 cups sugar
          2 large eggs at room temperature
          2 tbl milk
          1 tsp vanilla extract

          6 tbl sugar
          2 teaspoons cinnamon

          In a small bowl, combine the flour, cream of tartar, baking soda, and salt. Set aside

          In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar until smooth. Add the eggs, milk and vanilla and beat well. Add the dry ingredients and mix thoroughly. Wrap the dough in saran wrap and chill in the refrigerator for 2 hours.

          Preheat oven to 350F

          Mix the remaining sugar and cinnamon in a small bowl. Scoop the dough into rounded spoonfuls and roll in cinnamon sugar then place onto cookie sheets, leaving several inches between them. Keep in mind these spread more than most. Bake for 12-14 minutes or until the edges are lightly browned.

            1. Lcsa99*

              Let me know what you think. :)

              Should thank you btw, your mention of the caramel pretzel blondies sounded good so I found a smitten kitchen recipe we’re gonna try

  76. Chronic Anxiety*

    Low level depression for the past month or so. All that I can do to show up at work. Seeking professional help but slow going . consistent social anxiety. Forcing myself out with the husband to a gathering right now. Thoughts and prayers welcome.

  77. Cherry*

    Anyone here with PCOS? I’ve had the classic symptoms (acne, excess facial hair ,inability to conceive or carry, belly weight, diabetes, irregular periods). My endocrinologist did a full blood panel in September and the results All came back normal. But I went to my obgyn for a routine checkup and after talking to me, said that it definitely sounds like PCOS and referred me to get a ultrasound. Im already taking metformin (and insulin).

    Just wondering if it’s still possible to have pcos despite fine blood tests.

    1. Anon today too*

      Have them check you for congenital adrenal hyperplasia (adult onset mild form). Exact symptom overlap. It’s a blood test for 17 hydroxyprogesterone levels I believe. I have that. It was discovered on an infertility workup.

    2. Nicki Name*

      Absolutely! There’s no test for PCOS. It’s a process of elimination thing. If nothing else explains your symptoms, then it’s a likely cause.

      Even if the ultrasound result is normal, it doesn’t mean you don’t have PCOS. At least 30% of people with PCOS (including me) have nothing odd showing up on an ultrasound. But it can help cross off other possbilities.

      1. Gaia*

        This. Ultrasounds only find cysts when they are there. But cysts come and go. And “normal” blood work is only normal on average, not necessarily normal for you. PCOS is difficult to diagnose with tests, it’s usually diagnosed by symptoms and a lack of anything else to explain those symptoms.

    3. Anonymous This Time*

      I’ve never been formally diagnosed, but I’m in my early 50s now and I’ve had acne since I was 12 (bad), very irregular/missing periods (no more than 6 a year ever, sometimes only 3 or 4), cysts on my ovaries that required ultrasound monitoring to make sure they went away, and my endocrinologist results showed everything to be normal. For my acne, I am on spironolactone for about 7 years now, and except for several courses of antibiotics over the years, nothing has ever worked like the spriro and my acne is pretty much gone. So, yes, I do think it’s possible you have PCOS. Spiro works on “hormonal acne,” which I think could be telling about how my hormones were out of whack even if a snapshot didn’t show it. It’s good you’re giving this thought and investigation.

      I did think somehow that with menopause the PCOS wouldn’t matter anymore, but it can cause lifelong issues, with diabetes and heart problems among them. Your post makes me think I should probably be a little more proactive about my health.

    4. Observer*

      Two major possibilities.

      1. The endocrinologist is wrong – he or the lab are using incorrect norms.

      2. You could be looking a CAH (congenital adrenal hyperplasia) which often presents with similar symptoms.

    5. WS*

      The “S” in PCOS is relevant here! When a condition is described as a “syndrome” it usually means it’s a collection of symptoms that cluster together, but any given person might have only some of them. When I was first diagnosed with PCOS, I didn’t have the acne or facial hair, but I did have irregular, heavy and painful periods, belly weight, boils, skin tags, and a lot of cysts on my ovaries. But my blood work was 100% fine. After an unrelated health crisis, all my PCOS blood work came back positive, despite being normal three years earlier. I went on metformin for a while, and everything settled back down and now I’m off it again. It’s a hugely varied collection of symptoms, and you should definitely push the obgyn and/or endocrinologist to find out what’s actually going on rather than dismiss you when you are having actual symptoms.

  78. MOAS*

    Super awkward moment – I browse AAM at work and ads show up on the side. Usually they are things I’ve seen before (shoes or makeup or clothes).

    This week…there was an ad for sex toys!!!!. Welp

    I definitely HAVE NOT BEEN SEARCHING FOR THOSE!!!!!

    Thankfully no one saw it. And I closed the browser asap

    1. Ali G*

      That’s happened to me too! At work. I actually sent Alison a note and she contacted the service about it.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Whoa, no adult products should be advertised here! If you see it again and can take a screenshot to send me, that would help me get it tracked down and removed. (Or even just knowing the brand can sometimes be enough.) Same thing goes for political ads, tobacco, religion, gambling.)

  79. coffee cup*

    I just overreacted to something (in my mind) and don’t feel I can talk to anyone in my life about it, so I’m putting it here in the hope someone might empathise. Or even just to get it out.

    I’ve been on a few dates with a guy and I think it’s been going well. We’re meeting tomorrow, apparently. He’s seemed pretty into me and said some nice things that indicated as much. We met on a dating app and today I went on said app because I wanted to check our conversation there and remind myself how it started (this came out of a conversation point). I hadn’t been on it super regularly recently, mainly because I was enjoying getting to know this guy. I’ve been hurt quite a lot and so I don’t *like* anyone (or let myself like them) easily, or at least I tend to assume things will end quickly and badly. I am tired of dating and would like to find someone to really get to know and be myself with. Early days with this dude, but I had vague hopes.

    Anyway, he’s changed his profile, removed some pics, put some next text, etc. The minute I saw this, my mind went into overdrive. I’m experiencing PMS-related depression at the moment anyway (I get it quite badly some months and I am prone to garden variety depression and anxiety in any case) and all of a sudden I was upset, miserable, feeling like it’s all happening again, why can’t I find anyone who really wants me, etc etc. Stuff I probably worry about at the back of my mind generally but try not to let rise to the surface because, well, it wouldn’t be great! And besides, I know I’m a nice person and all. As I said, just tired of dating.

    We haven’t talked about being exclusive or anything so this guy is within his rights to date other people and so on. I guess I just thought after four or five dates it’s surely going a direction that might indicate we at least pause actively looking for others and see how things go. I am now feeling anxious about even acting like I am into him in case he’s actually laughing at me behind my back. I mean I really don’t get that vibe from him, but then who even knows.

    As I say I know I overreacted and this is probably not even a thing to worry about. But I think I need to bring it up with him tomorrow in any case because either way I don’t want to be messed about. I need to calm my brain down tonight though. I live alone and feel pretty down in general today. I don’t feel like reading or watching anything on TV or, well, anything. I might go to bed early and just try to give myself a break. I sometimes can’t tell if how I feel is actually how I feel or if it’s just the mood getting to me, if that makes sense?

    This is a muddled post and I am sorry for that. I just feel a bit confused and alone. If you read it, thanks!

    1. heckofabecca*

      Similar thing happened to me with my gentleman caller! It’s so so SO hard to be rational about these things, my god. It’s so hard not to dissect what they do. All my sympathies <3

    2. Anon Here*

      Yeah, take a moment to relax. The internet has made dating harder. Sure, we have access to more people and we can be specific about what we’re looking for, but it’s also introduced a lot of complexity that didn’t exist before.

      Also, I think that dating apps disproportionately attract certain types of people – people with certain kinds of attitudes towards dating. Try to balance out that experience with meeting more people offline. And consider just asking this guy about what’s on your mind. In a friendly way, of course. If you guys have a real connection, it’ll be ok. If it goes badly, maybe it’s a good filter.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Keep reminding yourself that you are not wrong for being sincere. People who are not sincere are wrong. If he is not sincere then he is the one who is wrong. But first thing is you have no real proof that he is being less than sincere with you, until you talk with him.

      You know the old saying, nothing good comes out of trying to resolve problems at night. Get some sleep, tell yourself you will think about this tomorrow during daylight hours because it will be easier to sort it then.

  80. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    I met a guy at that-place-we-don’t-mention-at-weekends. Decent, quiet, very tall, liked-by-everyone guy. He doesn’t look bad, even though I don’t have such thing as “taste”. Some people (women, mostly) ship us, saying we look like a nice couple and us living so close to each other sounds sounds like “out a romance novel”. Fine, fine, I say, maybe I can try to like him, after two years without feeling anything similar to love, right?
    Nope!
    He has a girlfriend. And he’s planning to leave the country.
    Great.
    Now I can’t get him out my head.

    1. Anon Here*

      I say kinda sorta keep in touch with him. Add him on LinkedIn or keep in touch with mutual friends. So you’re no threat to his current relationship but you have the ability to contact each other. Just knowing how life is, he could wind up single and back in the US at some point. It could be a “right guy, wrong time,” kind of thing. But of course move on for now. There are other good guys out there!

  81. Purt’s Peas*

    I’m considering taking in my grandma’s cat. I have a fairly small one-bedroom (it’s Boston, so…small) and a current cat who is anxious/high arousal but doesn’t seem bothered by cats on tv or strange cat smells on fabric. In a previous apartment a cat would come by the door sometimes, and she’d meow but not hiss or display aggression.

    I have three big questions, cause I’ve never had two cats at the same time before…

    – Is it a no-go to take another cat into a small apartment? I can set up additional cat furniture but I’m just not sure it’s enough space.

    – Does it make sense to take the cat for like, a trial period to see if my current cat goes nuts, or is that just going to be disturbing to the cat to be moved around, without being useful?

    – Do most cats get used to companions?

    1. Digley Doowap*

      1. Make sure you have room for a second litter box if your apartment is small.

      2. The trial period would have to be at least 4 to 6 weeks I’d say. Then again, they may never get along, see my answer below.

      3. I have a 15 year old and 10 year old male cat and they have never gotten along, they just try to ignore each other. I’d say they have one for flying fur fight a month. Not sure if it’s because they’re both males but I’ve had two female cats that got along fine.

    2. Anonymous*

      Think vertical. Sturdy shelves that the cats can use to avoid each other if they want. If you have a room to keep the one cat in and slowly open it up (child gate) so they have the opportunity to get used to each other’s smell, that would be good. And I think there’s a scent thing that’s supposed to be calming for cats?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Gate, not so helpful with cats. In my house gate means “dogs can’t go through here but cats can” because they can and will :)

    3. Ali G*

      I think I’d rather try and end up re-homing grandma’s cat if after a couple of months it just isn’t working out. At least the cat doesn’t end up at the shelter and you can find it a new home if needed. Yeah, I’d try. Thank you for helping your grandmother and kitty out!

    4. Trixie*

      Maybe try playdates, if that’s feasible? Not sure how close you are to grandma.

      Trial period is a good call, maybe keeping your cat in bathroom while grandma’s cat visits and checks out the space. Cats like having go-to spaces to hide and come out when they’re ready. I’ve had two cats in small space and it worked out fine, one litter box and no extra cat furniture. I think I did use a blankets on some furniture to help with any shedding.

    5. tangerineRose*

      It’s a good idea to have 3 litterboxes when you have 2 cats. They may be OK together, but it can be a rough adjustment at first.

    6. Damien*

      Check out some of Jackson Galaxy’s videos on youtube for tips on introducing two cats. You need one litter tray per cat plus an extra just in case, and make sure there aren’t any traffic bottlenecks in your home – if one cat can walk on the floor and the other can pass them at an above-ground level (furniture, shelving etc) it’s better than them both having to use the floor and coming face to face, which can be a source of conflict.

    7. Purt’s Peas*

      Thank you all, this is really helpful! Sorry for my super late reply, but I really appreciate all the advice :)

  82. LizB*

    FianceB and I bought a house, y’all! Today was moving day, and it went as smoothly as it possibly could have. Professional movers for the furniture and large boxes were worth every penny, and we had a lovely crew of friends moving smaller things for a couple hours in the afternoon. And now I’m sitting in my awesome new living room with the cat (who is a bit disgruntled from the disruption, but is still purring), FianceB’s on his way back with some takeout, and we’re gonna stuff some food in our faces and then pass the eff out in our new bedroom. Pretty successful adulting, if I do say so myself.

  83. Randomity*

    So just a tiny piece of sadness.
    I already knew that my best friend isn’t reciprocal: I knew I wasn’t her best friend. But I realised tonight just how far down her list I am and now I’m out (on my own, long story) and I just want to cry (in fact strike that I am crying which is a disaster for my eyeliner) and I feel very alone and very far down everyone’s list.

    I’ve started to take steps to extend my social circle and it’s working but I’m so sick of having to do this.

    Just needed to let the sad out. Wish me luck.

    1. MinotJ*

      Sympathy! And good luck. I’ve had that realization and it’s just devastating. I’m so hesitant to call anybody my “best friend” now, and I wonder if adults sometimes just don’t have them. I’ve been on Bumble BFF and Meetup, trying to expand my social circle. Internet hugs.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      The best luck in the world!

      Not to minimize your pain but to say you are on the right track of adding people to your life. Annnnd, make it a life habit to keep adding people. That sounds daunting but it actually works out to be easier than building a social circle.

      I always think of my father. As the decades rolled by friends and family died, moved, etc. His people dwindled dramatically in number. Part of the problem was he failed to routinely add new people to his life. It’s easy when you work, have a house to take care of and so on. Friendships slip by. Or we fail to pick up on offers of friendships.

      Take what is happening now as motivation to do things differently from here forward. I don’t per se have a bestie. I have good friends and I have lots of very nice acquaintances. They all add to my life in their own unique way and I would not trade in any of them. Some are friends with each other but some do not even know others. You don’t have to build a circle where everyone knows everyone. They can join or not, but keep them as individual friends.

      And yeah, cry. It sucks to lose a friend and it sucks to realize we are more invested than they are. As I said above about another situation, you are not wrong for being sincere. Stay sincere. There are a great many people out there who will cherish that about you.

    3. Environmental Compliance*

      Sympathy here too. I don’t know how adults are supposed to Friend at this point. I’ve tried MeetUp in my area and there’s really not a lot for my age group or my interests. The couple times I tried something I felt really really out of place and did not mesh at all with the group. But I’d love to have a riding buddy or a knitting buddy or a hey let’s just hang out buddy. There are times I feel very lonely.

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I work part-time at a yarn store and we have open knitting and crochet any time we are open. The social knitters and crocheters often outnumber the customers. It is a good place to meet stitching buddies. Perhaps there is someplace like that near you?

  84. Ali G*

    So, I am so disappointed. Without going into a ton of detail, we’ve recently spent a bunch of money to redecorate our house. The last piece was to go in our bedroom was today…and the duvet cover was too small!! We were finally going to sleep in our new bed and see the room all put together, but now no.
    So, does anyone know of a place that makes King sized duvet covers that are larger than 108″ wide? I need something about 114″. Cali Kings are a little too big, but that might work. I’m only finding very boring stuff and most of it isn’t big enough. Sigh. This is such a weird “problem” to have. Who knew that “king” sized stuff isn’t standard? The worst part is I took the stuff out of the packaging and got agreement that we liked it and tossed all the packaging. So I am not sure if I can return it. It wasn’t cheap!! But I might be able to sell it on NextDoor since I haven’t used it.
    BLAH

    1. Rusty Shackelford*

      Don’t know if you’re still reading at this point, but I wonder if it would be possible to have some add a border to make it larger.

  85. KR*

    Irrational anger of the weekend – came home from walking the dogs to find a church bulletin rolled up and stuck in my door. I live in a neighborhood where you have to walk up into the person’s yard to get to their door, it isn’t right on the street. It’s some bull inviting people to their Thanksgiving service.

    It had a number to call so I called up (wasn’t expecting someone to answer on a Saturday afternoon, turns out it’s a cell phone). Told them that I wasn’t sure if they were aware but wierd people were going door to door putting their flyers on people’s doors.
    The guy was definitely caught off guard and told me it was probably someone trying to be friendly (and was very apologetic!) but I told him that even though I understood his reasoning that it was weird and creepy to me and that they should just stick to giving that stuff to people they actually know. He requested my address so he could make sure no one did that again, and I gave it and thanked him for understanding. Kind of regretting giving him my address now as I identified myself as the neighborhood Grinch but I’m glad I did it. I wasn’t rude. But was very clear that I wasn’t okay with coming home to that & that I found it creepy.

    Churches do a ton of outreach. I know full well how to find a church suited to fit me in my hometown if I want to go. I do not want to go & my friends know this, which is why they don’t try to recruit me to go. I don’t need random people coming up into my yard and touching my door to leave garbage on it. I’m just going to throw it out & it’s just going to make me frustrated, not give me some sort of heavenly revelation that I need to go to church.

    Anyone relate to my very irrational annoyance? /End rant

    1. Loopy*

      We get this a lot in my area. Just today I had a little business card stick in my door.

      I try and find amusement in it by:

      – Telling my dog it was a test (he should bark if someone is right outside our door and usually does- so I actually *like* to know he hasn’t mellowed out TOO much on that)
      – Throwing it at my husband and telling he needs [insert denominational detail here]
      – Telling the dog he got invited to church and we should take him and see what happens, etc.

      Overall, reframing it mostly helps ME from getting annoyed. But I do have my moments (once a work potluck got blessed….to the point it was inappropriate and very religion specific with serious conversion vibes!).

      1. Ludo*

        – Throwing it at my husband and telling he needs [insert denominational detail here]

        ——

        Hahaha I love that

      2. KR*

        Love it! I threw it in the trash with extra zeal. Good idea on the reframing and I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets annoyed. I’m sure had I not been walking the dogs one of them would have been barking up a storm.

    2. Gaia*

      I don’t mind the flyers, but I do not like when they knock and want to talk. Listen, my closest friends are not allowed to show up unannounced unless there is an emergency. In what world would I want strangers to do so?

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I’ve been known to tell them happily about Wiccan culture and invite them to the next Sabbat. They usually leave quickly. My husband got a couple once and told them for 30 minutes in great detail about the persecution of the Irish Catholics. They couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
        We are both evil and totally deserve each other.

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          I have done this! I generally enjoy it when Mormon missionaries knock on our door. They’re very polite, and they welcome conversation rather than just being pushy. I’m never disrespectful of their faith, and they are trained to ask questions but not say bad stuff about your faith. I’ve even given a few of them the names of some famous contemporary Mormons to look up the accomplishments of, once they can use the internet again (after their missions). I went into all kinds of detail about Wicca for some, then about secular humanism many years later with another pair. At no point was I impolite, nor were they, and we had great conversations. Sadly, they did quit sending missionaries to our house after that last one, which is kind of a pity, as they were nice kids. It is very interesting to me that “Witch!” didn’t scare anyone away, but “Atheist!” did.

          I never, ever did this with the Jehovah’s Witnesses that came to our door, though! It was always this same group of well-dressed and positively ancient little old Southern men and women, and apparently this triggers my Must Hide Religion From Great-Grandma reflex something fierce! x-D (The “Yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” came out of my mouth every time, too!)

    3. Really?*

      You seem awfully offended by something that isn’t offensive. Just through it away. Do you feel this way when it’s a teenager trying to get a mowing or babysitting job? When it’s a local business selling you windows or painting services? When it’s a campaign flier? The Boy Scouts asking for food donations?

      1. Fikly*

        People are allowed to be offended by anything they find offensive. You don’t know the context. People feel what they feel.

        Religion is full of high emotions, and thus likely to be more triggering than someone leaving a takeout menu stuck in your door.

      3. KR*

        Well I mean it’s not offensive to you, but that doesn’t have any bearing on what I feel. I won’t say I’m offended by the flyer, but it does bother me when people leave flyers on my door.

        To answer your questions, I’ve never had anyone knock on my door offering lawn mowing, babysitting, or scouts asking for donations (in fact when I was in scouts they discouraged any door-to-door anything). I don’t think those would annoy me because they’re teens and kids & not pushing religion on people they don’t know.

      4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I get super annoyed when anyone I don’t know shows up at my house, so yes. If I need mowing, I’ll look online. I don’t have kids that need babysitting and if I did why would I trust them to a random strange kid? Same thing with local businesses – if I have projects that need doing, I’ll do research online and request quotes. I definitely don’t need politics brought to my door, either they agree with me and we don’t need to waste each other’s time or they don’t and we still don’t need to waste each other’s time. And I don’t do door to door donations of any sort, I plan them ahead of time and do them myself. (Plus the food pantry needs money more than my random can of kidney beans anyway.)

      5. Elizabeth West*

        That’s just annoying in general. Stay off my property and stop shoving trash into my door. It’s trash because I don’t want it and will throw it away.

        This practice was so ubiquitous in my old neighborhood that I actually had a sign made and put it up outside my house. It said, No Soliciting, No Proselytizing, No Leaflets, Now Get Off My Lawn.

      6. Washi*

        I might have thought so too, but then right after I read this, I stepped out of my apartment to find our hallway littered with pizza advertisements someone had distributed and was momentarily filled with rage.

        It’s such a waste of paper! I’m annoyed strangers can get in our building and basically make a mess with their stupid flyers that no one wants! It didn’t ruin my day or anything, but I do not feel positively about that pizza place.

    4. WS*

      I put a rainbow sticker on my front door and have never had a religious visitor (or flyer) ever again. Which is nice, because I always asked them their opinion on gay people like me, and they’d always go for something about “sinners” which is rubbish.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a sign on my door that says “No peddling, preaching or politicking – we’ve got everything we need.” Since I put it up we’ve only gotten one jackass banging on my door who seemed to think that he was an exception because, quote, “I’m not trying to sell anything, I just want to talk to you about your windows.” And he got mad when I said that a, my windows are now literally two weeks old, and b, if you’re not trying to sell me anything then what do you need to talk about my windows for, no scram. :-P

      1. KR*

        Hah! That window salesman thought he was being slick. I’ve considered getting a little sign or something, but it’s honestly a rare occurrence to get any door to door anything around here.

    6. ThatGirl*

      I hear you but I get realtor fliers and restaurant hangers on the door all the time, I’d rather they leave a flier than knock. You are of course allowed your feelings but unless your front door is behind a gate or down a long drive, it’s not really creepy, imho.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yeah, I agree. You’re annoyed or offended by whatever, but the outside of your house is outside. Where people are. The entire purpose of a front door is to serve as a portal to the outside world.

        I think calling a flyer on the door “creepy” is an overreaction. If you don’t want people approaching your house at all, fence your yard and lock the gate.

      2. KR*

        It’s funny because I live on federal property so my door is literally behind a gate with armed guards. Unfortunately it seems other people who live in my neighborhood feel like everyone is going to want their religious flyers. Thanks for the comment though, appreciate it.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Then you know it’s coming from a neighbor, I guess – which has its up and downsides.
          While I find proselytizing obnoxious, it’s extremely normal for religious orgs to hand out literature — as long as it’s not hateful or excessive, I don’t think a line has been crossed.

    7. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I live pretty much across the street from a church, so I’ve decided to interpret their various papers inviting me to things as “heads up, street parking will be hard those days because the neighbors are having a party” notices instead.

      Anyone who actually wants me to talk about religion and rings the bell gets a very polite “thank you, but I’m happy with my current theological and philosophical paradigm and not looking to switch” in the same tone of voice I used to use for people trying to get me to switch long-distance telephone providers. It seems to keep them from coming back or trying to argue. (I used to have a friend who was (a) pretty paranoid about strangers at the door and (b) someone who liked to be naked when home alone. He once answered the door wearing only a towel and holding a sword “just in case”, and he says this is also a very effective way of no longer getting people wanting to talk religion ringing your bell, so strategies may vary on this part.)

    8. Anonymous Celebrity*

      No, I can’t relate to the annoyance, because I don’t experience it. Unless I’m expecting someone, I don’t answer the door, because I know darned well it’s somebody trying to sell me something that I don’t want. So why answer it? I just don’t. People who know me know that if they have to just drop by, and they knock and don’t get an answer, they can call me or text me (if they know me, they have my number). If I’m home, I’ll open the door. If I’m not, I won’t. This system saves me a lot of PITA front-door encounters.

      As to literature left behind by various commercial and religious sales people, I view it as trash that blew into my yard on trash pickup day, when the occasional piece of garbage flies away as the truck tips the toters into the truck and lands in my yard. I just throw it out. To me it’s not personal, it’s just another piece of trash. I guess I’m just used to it to the point where my response is automatic: see it, identify it as trash, throw it out. No emotional reaction at all.

      I’ve dealt with so many jackass strangers in my life that I’m not surprised by jackassery. I simply get rid of it, side-step it, or don’t open the door to it. I suggest taking this approach. Jackassery happens. Expect it. But don’t let it touch you. Most of the time, it’s avoidable except for the short amount of time it takes to dispose of it. I think the key is not being surprised by it and not taking it personally.

  86. Change is coming*

    I’m thinking about making a big change and moving to Ireland. There’s a program that helps with working/travel Visas for Canadians under 35. Here’s the thing….I’ve never been out of North America so this feels like a much bigger deal than it might sound. Has anyone done a big life change like this? Any Irish readers out there?

    I’m single and it feels scary but exciting to have a chance to do things over in a new place!

    1. Environmental Compliance*

      I have nothing to add but that it sounds totally awesome and I am actually rather jealous of the idea.

    2. Loopy*

      Nothing so big but I moved cross country alone when I was 23. I knew no one in my new city (but had a job and month-to-month lease place to live lined up). Now looking back I’m glad I did it then because it was such a unique opportunity to do something so drastic in such a completely uncomplicated way. I didnt even have furniture, just packed up the car! Now, only about ten years later, I wouldn’t want to. I’m glad I did it while the urge struck.

      That being said, there is also a lot of good advice for a huge change: have things lined up stability wise (source of income, at least a temp place to stay), do the research, and always have enough money to come home if you want/need to. A 22 year old I know just up and moved to Hawaii and she received that advice over and over- have fun, be safe, but just keep enough in your account to get home if you need to.

      The one thing I had to get used to was having to miss family/friends life events because it cost too much time and money to get home as easily. It wasn’t a deal breaker but it was probably one of the few drawbacks.

    3. Agnodike*

      I moved to the Netherlands for a year on a working holiday visa when I was 24 and it was awesome. The visa process was really straightforward, I found a job as a nanny without much trouble, I loved living in the city, I travelled a ton, I had a blast. Go for it!!

      I have three friends who did the same in Ireland – two in Dublin, one in Galway – who both loved it. If you’re in a place in your life where you can leave the country for a year (i.e. not a ton of work consequences, you don’t have significant family responsibilities, etc) then I would 100% recommend it. The first month was brutally stressful and then the rest was amazing. If you’re nervous about it, maybe ask around and see if you have a friend who might like to go, too? Two pals of mine were roommates in Dublin on just such an adventure and I think they really benefited from the support, but honestly, doing it alone is super doable.

    4. IrishEm*

      What do you want to know about life in Ireland? We’re very friendly and like Canadians very much :)

      Also go you deciding to go somewhere new :) :) :) It’s brave, not exactly easy but definitely do-able. And at least you don’t have to learn a new language (maybe some Hiberno-English words but not a whole language XD)

      1. Change is coming*

        Oh gosh! What don’t I want to know! Good to know you like Canadians :)

        – What are the best cities to consider moving to?
        – Where do you look for Apartment rentals?
        – What are the best job boards?
        – What’s the social scene like for early 30s?

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One thing I wish I’d done when I took a long trip to the UK is to take a driving lesson. Or at least get someone to drive the car to a large empty parking lot for me to do some serious practice. I lost my rental car security deposit by misjudging distance from the unfamiliar side of the road. I’m lucky I scraped a wall not a person.

    6. Anon Here*

      I’ve had a lot of Irish-American friends (grew up in Ireland, moved to the US in their 20s). I also knew a guy who gave away all of his belongings to move to Ireland permanently. However, he only stayed for a few months.

      My advice is only generic and applies to anyone moving to another country. It’s a great experience. But you won’t know what it’s like to live there until you’ve been settled for a while. Every place has its good and bad points. Don’t do anything irreversible like giving up your belongings. Plan on a one year stay with the option of extending it as long as you want.

    7. Username required*

      I moved to Bermuda to temp when I turned 30 – didn’t know anyone, just answered an ad in the Times and figured I’d find work or come back to the UK. Had a great time and twenty years later I’m still living/working abroad.

      The first couple of months can be tough being away from family and friends but these days with skype/email/whatsapp no-one’s too far away.

      If you have stuff – put it in storage for the first year and travel light. I’m assuming its part of the visa requirements but make sure you have enough savings – 3-6 mths worth of living expenses to start with.

      Have a great time.

    8. hot chocky*

      In my 20’s I got the working holiday visa to Australia. One of the best experiences of my life! Have fun!

  87. Environmental Compliance*

    Hubs and I have managed to start a firestorm in the family…. by requesting no Christmas gifts for us. Apparently, this is the Calamity to End All Life As We Know It.

    1. We don’t want gifts.
    2. We don’t need gifts.
    3. It is really, truly, not important to either of us to have something to open. We don’t do Christmas for each other, we don’t do birthdays either. We haven’t for several years.
    4. At this point, a good 85-95% of Christmas is trading gift cards, which is silly to the point of ridiculous.
    5. We live several hours away, have many houses to see, and do not want to cart around a whole bunch of stuff we don’t want/need during this.

    Somehow this has turned into a sh*tstorm, as apparently we are ruining Christmas and what about Holiday Season and MEANING OF CHRISTMAS, EC, WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT????!

    Well, what we *did* ask was to if you feel the absolute need to get something for us, to donate to charity. My Christmas Spirit is fine, thank you, but we. don’t. want. gifts. It pisses me off more because the section that is the Most Offended by this is also the section that spouted on and on and on about the Meaning Of Christmas last season and then bought tickets for this religious play for everyone (regardless of schedule, actual religiosity, etc) because Meaning Of The Season. But how dare we ask for no gifts for us! *throws hands in air*

    1. Not So NewReader*

      They already bought you stuff and now they have to return it. And they don’t wanna return it. They lost the receipt/box/price tags. It was a final sale item. You were the only person on their list who would ever use this item and they most certainly don’t want it themselves.
      You make them feel like they are greedy for wanting presents.

      Stop by a donation box before driving home. Seriously. We would load stuff into a donate bag and drop it off at our first chance. No guilt. I was tired of not being heard. One year I said no mugs, no tree ornaments. That year I got 9 mugs and 11 tree ornaments. Might as well talk to the walls. With that I had just over 50 mugs in the house and enough ornaments, lights and garland for three trees. The irony wasn’t lost on me. Everyone was so busy shopping all year that they had no time to visit during the year. It felt like guilt gifts, “Sorry we ignored you all year, we had to go buy your presents instead.”
      You told them. They will do as they will do. Just go find a donation box.

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        We have requested no gifts since after last Christmas (at which we also said no gifts), so this is nothing new. It’s frustrating with the hissy fits that are being thrown when we’ve said we’re serious, no gifts, for about the 398th time.

        We were given a grill set for 5 years in a row. We still don’t own a grill and never have. I think we have 5 kitchen aprons that neither of us will ever wear or have ever worn or desired to wear. I have donated so many clothes because there was no receipt to be found or the store existed no where near me. Hubs has gotten smartphone gadgets for several years running…. he has never had a smartphone. Still doesn’t, in fact. But then we cart them around for the remaining 8 hours of driving we do, before even starting to head back.

        It’s *exactly* the guilt gifts! We’ve gone home so many times, with plenty of advance notice, just to have no one around to visit. And then it’s our fault somehow that they didn’t get to see us. Oh but also here’s a day notice that Friday afternoon is Random Family Event and what do you mean you can’t make it why don’t you love us?? I’m very tired of the whole thing.

        We’ve also said we aren’t going to do both Thanksgiving and Christmas next year, we’ll pick a week in May-July to visit everyone for a whole week and then go visit again for a whole week in December, so we don’t go most of the year not seeing everyone, and then the kiddos will be out of school and we can do more things with them too. Nope, not okay, how dare we. Let’s be real, November is deer season, half ya’ll aren’t even home at Thanksgiving so what’s the point exactly other than more driving in snow & ice? And then Hubs and I have no more vacation days to spend because we’ve spent them trying to make sure we see everyone at Holiday Time, with minimal effort returned. We did not drive this length of time to sit in an empty house. We could be at home doing to same thing.

        Holiday Season is Frustrating Family Season more and more each year, it seems.

        1. valentine*

          I would delight in hitting them with a “The Baby Jesus was born with nothing and that is how we’re leaving this home.” Ideally, my outro would be “The Little Drummer Boy” cartoon rendition fading into the classic hit “Kyrie.”

        2. Clever Name*

          The repeat gifts kill me. My mom has gotten me four small acorn-shaped boxes. I mean, I do enjoy them, but it’s funny that I now have so many. I love my mom. :)

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        That was a whole other tantrum when we said if the weather isn’t good, we aren’t going. We are not driving several hours around Lake Michigan during a winter storm. “What do you mean, it depends on the weather??!” Dude, we live in the Midwest, have you heard of this thing called…..ice? Snow? Those things that happen in winter and aren’t great to drive in? “You have four wheel drive!” *sigh*

    3. Rebecca*

      I totally get this! I don’t want gifts, I don’t need anything, and truly, I would just like to sit and chat, have a beer, look at the pretty tree, watch a hockey game, something like that. Eating cookies would be good, too!

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        Oh! I suggested a cookie exchange last time (that side does secret santa) and it was a no go, sadly. (Though then the main organizer/culprit complains that they make all the cookies. Sigh.)

        1. Rebecca*

          I like the cookie exchange idea, bake one batch of cookies, divide it up X ways depending on how many people, and everyone gets a variety!

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I think you truly need to have this conversation directly after Christmas. Some people start buying that early! Plus they are in full Christmas Spirit Frenzy now. We do very little for gifts any more… Small things from the adult children so we have a little something to unwrap, more from us to them, nothing for each other. Would your family be ok with consumable gifts? (We love my in-laws homemade pickles!) Could you day (again maybe to late this year) that Christmas Spirit to you means spending time with loved ones and giving to those who are not as fortunate, so could they give you socks for the Mission or food for the Food Pantry, and they can even WRAP IT UP so you can have fun opening it (participate in the festivities) and then donate it? If the answer is Nope… Then do what you must! Good luck!

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        We have….for multiple Christmasses. It just never sinks in and then it gets to this time of year and they ask what we want and we still say we want no gifts, please none, just like last time. We’ve suggested donation gifts every time too, and we end up with yet another grill set for our invisible grill. And now we’re out of friends to gift a grill set to.

        1. Randomity*

          Any presents they get you, leave there. They are not going to believe you as long as you take the presents home. Check out Captain awkward’s latest post – your family isn’t being as overt as that letter writer but I still think the principle applies.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Thanks for pointing this column out, CA is on fire here, eh? OP, well worth your time in reading.

            1. Randomity*

              I felt like the column wasn’t relevant at first, but the more I thought about it… it really is. I am so glad I found this place and CA. I would still be floundering so badly otherwise. Well… more so :-/

        2. The Francher Kid*

          It sounds like you’ve tried being reasonable and it hasn’t worked. You’ve tried to explain over and over, so there’s nothing more at this point that you can say. It may be time for you and your husband to decide what you want or need and stick with it. Travel when it’s good for you, donate or leave the presents behind (Captain Awkward does have a really good column on this). They won’t like it and they’ll push back like they’re already doing, but if you leave them no option either they’ll get over it or you’ll be more comfortable dealing with it.

        3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          You could try saying something like “what we’d really like is nice warm socks, particularly wool ones that stay warm when wet”, and then they’d have an easy-to-purchase physical object to wrap up and give you, and you’d have an easy-to-give-away object you can drop off at the nearest homeless shelter (or homeless camp) before you leave town. It might reduce the number of grill sets in your life even though it doesn’t solve the larger problem of relatives not listening to you about not wanting gifts.

          On Friday, my cousin announced that she’d “come up with the perfect thing to get me for Christmas” when we haven’t exchanged gifts regularly for decades. (I was asking her what I should get for her kids, since it’s unusual that I see her without them. I now have those Christmas gifts chosen and ordered, which is a big help since December is always busy and I’m not going to just give money and a card to a kindergartner who wants something to unwrap as much as they want the thing inside the wrapping.). At least she warned me a gift was coming?

          1. Arts Akimbo*

            Oh man– I have tried this type of thing so many times with my mom! Only “What we’d really like is nice warm socks, particularly wool ones that stay warm when wet” becomes “They want socks! This pair of cheap acrylic *looks* like wool, oh surely they’ll never notice the difference, and I can get TEN pairs instead of two!”

            Oh Mom. Trust me, we notice.

        4. Sparkly Librarian*

          Your family members are out of control. They’ve been doing this for years, despite your explicit requests not to. They’re being incredibly rude. At this point I would leave the gifts at whoever’s house where you opened them. Save the packing space.

    5. Filosofickle*

      Ugh. My partner’s family doesn’t do much in the way of gift giving. However, he has a sister who buys the entire crew gifts for Christmas. (Usually something like blanket, candles, slippers, not big but something.) Everyone asks her not to, before and after the holiday. She can’t afford it, we don’t want more junk we’ll just get rid of. Every year, the pile of gifts comes in with her. I don’t get it. Frankly it’s disrespectful to keep giving people crap when they’ve asked you not to.

      I suspect the only thing that might change the situation is if we flat out refuse to open them or take them, but no one wants to create a scene.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        The gift-giving I have enjoyed the most was something me and my aunt shared. We agreed no birthday/holiday presents. Since we both were watching our budgets, that in itself was a gift to each other to get rid of that expense.
        What happened next was we would find random things in great condition at tag sales/clearance tables that we knew the other one could actually use. I don’t think we ever spent more than $2 on an item. She’d say, “Oh I knew you were looking for a new jar opener…..” or I would say, “I found some really cool chair pads for your kitchen chairs.” And since these gifts were random it was always a nice little surprise. The gift itself showed the recipient that the recipient was being listened to and actually heard- added bonus.

        1. Environmental Compliance*

          That’s what we try to do! The I thought of you gift, not the obligation gift. We bring small things back randomly because we thought of them when we saw whatever it was.

          It’s something we’ve tried to explain and I’m not sure it sunk in.

    6. Melody Pond*

      Do you think they might be receptive to the idea of experience-only gifts? Museum or movie theater passes, restaurant gift cards (for a date night), spa-type things (like a massage), physically active fun things that might cost money to do? Maybe that might help them still feel like they’re getting to splurge on you? Would you and your spouse feel more receptive to experience-only gifts along these lines?

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        We would! We have tried that before, but most of them won’t shop online, so they can only do stores that are near them, which sucks because we’ve different restaurants etc near us. We got a gift card to a grill that’s only by them gave it to another family member who could use it, and apparently we’re awful. The thought was nice.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Husband snark “My gift to you is to let you feel superior. I did not bake any cookies. I did not get you a gift.”
      (Don’t do this for real but it’s a fun fantasy.)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        On second thought, I read a comment from someone who tells family that what they want for Christmas is socks. They insist on it. They’ll keep their favorite pair or two, and donate the rest with the tags still on.

    8. Clever Name*

      OMG. I feel your pain. One year, I tried to institute a Christmas gift exchange where one person buys for one person and you get assigned people randomly (kids are exempt and get showered with toys per usual). It worked out for that year, but it was quickly abandoned the next year. My mom and aunts love shopping, I guess. It just drives me batty, because The adults are all quite comfortable money wise and can buy everything they need and much of what they want for themselves, myself included.

      My mom always wants a Christmas list, and I hate pulling one together. Ugh

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I asked for no gifts this year because I literally do not have a place to put them, since I literally do not have a place. If people want to get me something, non-expiring gift cards are an option. I can use them when I do have a place.

      We’ll see what happens. -_-

  88. Loopy*

    Poll: Who has already broken out the Christmas music?

    I’m usually a post-Thanksgiving listener so I don’t get sick of my playlist by December. Last year I started too early and was kind of over it by Christmas Eve.

    Torn on if I want to break my rule this year. Seems silly to stick to such an arbitrary rule yet… I remember it being an issue last year.

    1. Queer Earthling*

      *raises hand*

      Basically, as soon as Halloween was over, I was listening to Christmas music. I’m not Christian anymore but I like the aesthetic and the feel-goodness, and this year was a mess so I was extra enthusiastic about Jolly Time for the last couple months. We also have our (artificial) Christmas tree up already.

      1. valentine*

        The infuriating radio station that would have waiting until next Friday, but started at the beginning of the month or on the first properly cold day. And the music is so, so, so bad. Another station bow calls itself positive; it’s mostly Christian rock, so I am feeling hemmed in. My saving grace is the station that’s given up on this century and gone mostly disco/’80s.

    2. Ludo*

      Me! I have a small playlist I made on Spotify because I only like a handful of Christmas music, but it’s been fun to listen to

    3. Mimmy*

      My husband has been playing Christmas music for the past week or so. I want to just yell “IT’S TOO EARLY!!!!!!” but I’m nicer than that lol.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      When I skated, people started picking their Christmas show music really early, around Halloween, to get dibs on what they wanted. So you listened to it whether you liked it or not. There are certain Christmas songs I don’t care if I ever hear again in this life or any other. “Suzy Snowflake” in particular can go f*ck herself.

    5. Aphrodite*

      I don’t have a stereo or even a radio (and I listen to audiobooks in the car) so my Christmas music listening is online. I prefer more classical renditions so I like this London Symphony Orchestra (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SlwnNKsidw). Often I have it going for a few hours at work in my own office. I also adore the Christmas in Vienna annual event (https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=christmas+in+vienna). I bought at the thrift store some Christmas music CDs but it’s very hard to find something I like.

    6. Disco Janet*

      Thanksgiving is so late this year that I feel like starting Christmas stuff early is more understandable.

  89. Not A Manager*

    Has anyone successfully frozen unbaked fruit pies? I’m going to make a double-crust cherry pie because my adult child wants one. I’m already using frozen cherries (usually I just make this in summer with fresh cherries), but I think that should be fine. But I would love to not have to assemble and bake it on Thursday. I was reading online about freezing unbaked fruit pies and then baking them day-of. One site recommends baking straight from the freezer, another says to thaw the pie in the fridge first.

    Has anyone done this? Any tips?

    1. Wicked Witch of the West*

      My late mother made great apple pies. She would assemble and then freeze them. When I got them they were still like rocks. If I remember correctly I would put them frozen in a cold oven, turn to 350 degrees F, come back in one and a half hours to a perfect pie. It’s been a while (she passed in 2004), so it might have been only one hour. Be sure to put a baking sheet with edges under the pie tin in case it bubbles over. Good luck.

    2. Jenny*

      Would you mind sharing your recipe? I’d love to make a cherry pie but they aren’t a thing in England so I can’t identify a good recipe.

      1. Clisby*

        Old song (maybe US only) my grandmother used to sing to us:

        Can she bake a cherry pie, Billy boy, Billy boy
        Can she bake a cherry pie, charming Billy?
        She can bake a cherry pie quick’s a cat can wink its eye
        But she’s a young thing and cannot leave her mother

      2. Not A Manager*

        Sure! There are as many pie recipes as there are pies, so definitely look online and find ingredients that work for you. Cook’s Illustrated had a good article years ago about thickeners for pie fillings (cornstarch, flour, instant tapioca, arrowroot, etc.) and the pros and cons of each of them. Basically, almost any of them will work for almost any fruit pie (with some exceptions) but according to their tests, some are better than others.

        My favorite cherry pie is made with fresh sour cherries. These are bright red cherries with a soft flesh and a sweet/tart flavor that grow in the American midwest. It turns out that they are so regional that when I moved to California, literally no one (including grocers or farmers market vendors) has heard of them. I don’t know if you have an equivalent in England.

        1 double pie crust
        4-6 cups pitted fresh cherries (I like the bright red “sour” cherries, but you can use regular dark sweet eating cherries)
        3/4 cup to 1 cup sugar, or to taste (depends on type of cherry, how sweet they happen to be, and your own taste)
        pinch salt
        1/4 cup instant/quick cook tapioca (OR another thickener – look online for substitutions/quantities)
        Optional: 1/4 tsp. almond extract, pinch cinnamon, pat of butter, squeeze of lemon juice.

        Line a 9″ pie tin with crust. If it’s a deep dish tin, use more dough and more cherries. Preheat oven to 425° F. and set rack at lowest part of oven.

        Toss the pitted cherries with sugar and salt. EITHER whir your quick-cook tapioca in a spice grinder until powdery and toss with cherries, OR pour all of your juice and a little bit of fruit into a small saucepan, add the whole tapioca, and simmer for about a minute. Immediately stir hot tapioca mixture into cherries and mix well.

        Some recipes call for almond extract and/or cinnamon and/or butter. I never put in any of these with the fresh, flavorful fruit. Sometimes I squeeze in some lemon if I remember, especially with dark sweet cherries.

        Put the fruit mixture into the lined pie tin. Cover with top crust, seal edges very well, brush top with milk or cream and sprinkle with sanding sugar or table sugar. Cut some decorative vents into top. Place pie tin onto a lined baking sheet and bake in lowest part of oven until filling begins to bubble thickly from vents, and top is golden brown.

        Cool on a cooling rack until warm or room temperature. The filling will still be quite runny if you serve the pie warm.

        Notes: If the edges start to brown too quickly, cover them in buttered foil. If the top starts to brown too quickly, you can make a loose tent over it or turn your oven down. My filling ALWAYS finds a weak spot at the wall of the crust and bubbles out before the pie is done. That’s life, your pie will still be very juicy. I sometimes make a little shim out of crumpled foil and literally shim up the side where the juice is dripping so that it’s a bit higher than the rest of the pie.

      3. hot chocky*

        when I was training for a marathon, I’d make a cherry-blueberry pie every week. My recipe was simple: pie crust on bottom. Fill with frozen cherries. top up with frozen blueberries. shake a bit to the blueberries find all the holes. top with ~3/4 cup sugar, ~1/4-1/3 c flour or corn flour or other thickener. Put top crust on pie. Bake hot (~425F) for 10 to 15 min, and then medium (~350-375) for 45 min to an hour, till it starts to bubble through the holes/slits in the top crust. I miss the days I could eat a whole pie every week. Best part of marathon training!

      4. Arts Akimbo*

        Just one warning, if you’re a UK native, you might have to adjust the sugar to taste. I like my pies more tart than sweet, and I find most American recipes are way too sweet for me (and I’m from the US!)

    3. WS*

      Yes, but I’ve always blind baked the crust first to avoid sogginess. If it’s a thin pie I’d go straight to the oven, but if it’s reasonably thick, fridge thaw first.

    4. Bagpuss*

      Definitely blind bake the crust so it doesn’t get soggy, but then you should be fine to freeze it and then defrost and bake. I would probably defrost it in the fridge overnight before baking

    5. Close Bracket*

      Mmm, I just made a cherry pie with frozen cherries. I recommend making and rolling out both crusts and freezing them (you could even freeze the bottom crust in the pie pan. Toss together the cherry filling and let it sit in the fridge (or just put the bag of frozen cherries in the fridge to thaw and toss together filling day of). Put crusts in fridge on Wed, assemble pie and bake on Thursday.

      I added only a little bit of sugar and 1/4-1/2 cup of brandy (only enough sugar to take the edge off the brandy).

      I’m curious about why you use tapioca. I saw another cherry pie filling recipe that called for tapioca. I normally make apple pies, and I use flour in my filling. I used flour in the cherry pie filling, too. Is tapioca a cherry pie thing, or that just a personal preference for tapioca over flour?

  90. Amethyst*

    Driving makes my GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) skyrocket, so I’ve just never…learned, or had my license. I’ve gotten around just fine with buses, trains, Uber, & taxis, + the occasional coworker ride home since I’ve been on my own & haven’t really had any issues besides the usual delays that come associated with taking public transportation.

    But I’ve finally actually made really close friends–I have an actual support system now after decades of only being able to rely on myself–so they’ve also pitched in & brought me places where I typically wouldn’t go to shop & just to hang out. One of these friends is broken. His body is jacked up, & he’s back to experiencing severe debilitating pain that his doctors can’t trace the source to, except to speculate that “maybe it’s scar tissue putting pressure on your nerve from your back surgery” or “it might be your SI joint giving you all this pain”… & he’s brought up me learning to drive twice in the last month.

    I feel really, really horrible. I WANT to drive. I WANT to be able to just hop in my car & go. I WANT to be able to reciprocate, & be able to do for my friends all they do for me. I hate that they’ve bickered over who gets to bring me home after a long day of me helping them with XYZ home improvements because his wife works long hours, so it’s up to my friend to do these repairs with my help, & by the time we’re done he’s hurting so badly his back spasms so he literally can’t move.

    I started seriously learning a couple years back, then my state said I either have to redo the permit test to renew or downgrade back to an ID. At the time, all I had was the renewal fee ready, not the $70 to redo the whole damn thing, & it’d been expired for 1.5 weeks, so I took the downgrade. Since then, my friend group has learned that if they were to insure me it’d nearly triple their current rate so I haven’t continued learning.

    I wish I knew what exactly was the root cause of my fear of driving. Every time I’ve gotten behind the wheel thus far has resulted in me shutting down & crying & shaking so badly & asking my friend for a hug (yes, it’s a panic attack I’m experiencing each time). I’d finally started to get better at this, & the last 4 times before we ended practice sessions I actually was fine, aside from a lot of “OMG. OH JESUS. WAHHHHHHHHHHHH OMG. I’M DRIVING. ON THE ROAD. THERE IS A CAR. OMG. DUDE. AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP NOW OR CLOSER TO THE STOP SIGN?! GET ME BACK TO THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW.”

    I’m just feeling like a major failure/burden right now with not having this function I should have. :(

    1. Washi*

      Honestly, I think learning to drive is something way too big for one friend to ask of another. Is the idea that you learn to drive AND buy a new car? Depending on how often you go out, I feel like you could just take Ubers for the same cost!

      I mean, if you want to learn to drive, that’s one thing, but I don’t think you should learn to drive out of guilt. Ultimately, your friend’s house is your friend’s house, and if you’re not able to get there to do repairs because of transportation issues, that sucks, but it’s not your fault or responsibility.

      I don’t really understand the insurance thing…is your friend group all insured together?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Some states require that a person who is driving a car (even as a learner) be insured on the specific car they are driving, so if the learner is going to be learning on their friend’s car they have to be added to their friend’s insurance. (Disclaimer: my state is not one of these, so I’m going off details from my friend, who’s state is, from several years ago.) I don’t let other people drive my car anyway, but I have had insurance companies give me a discount in the past if I specify that only drivers listed on my insurance policy are permitted to drive my car. (Exceptions for, like, car maintenance professionals in the course of their work.) And even if I was inclined to let someone else drive my car, especially someone who was a learning nervous unlicensed driver, I certainly wouldn’t let them do it uninsured. So I can totally see how none of Amethyst’s friends would be willing to jump through insurance hoops to let them drive their car. (But they also need to stop pestering Amethyst about driving anyway, especially if none of them are willing to help.)

        1. Washi*

          Ohh that makes sense. I hadn’t put together that Amethyst is probably practicing with a friend’s car.

        2. Clisby*

          No idea how this works generally. We didn’t have to add our daughter to our insurance when she had her learner’s permit, because she couldn’t drive without one of us in the car and we were insured. It might be different with a friend.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I also don’t think you should learn to drive just because your friends want you to. Your one friend has a condition that makes it impossible for him to do some things. You accept that. You don’t tell him that maybe he should learn to shift furniture.

      If you need a ride home because you’ve spent the day helping your friend do things he can’t do himself, then I don’t think you’re being an unreasonable burden if you also can’t drive yourself home. And so long as your friends know that any invitation that is premised on them driving you TO someplace is also premised on them driving you back FROM that place, that’s also not unreasonable.

      So I think the first thing is for YOU to give yourself permission not to learn to drive. Ever. You don’t have to. Stop.

      Once you’ve done that, I think it will be easier to get your friends onboard. My guess is that they perceive your friend as truly unable to do certain things, whereas you are presenting yourself as someone who “hasn’t learned to drive yet” and is “working on getting their license” and “has some issues with driving.” I think that’s why they think it’s okay to “encourage” (=push) you to learn.

      I think once you say, “Hey friends. I am never going to be able to drive because I have a medical condition that prevents me from doing so, and that medical condition is anxiety disorder, and I and my professional team have determined that I am. not. able. to drive,” they will be able to hear that and respect it.

      1. Cat*

        I don’t think that’s unreasonable as per her friends but I also think – as someone who had driving anxiety – that viewing anxiety as something you just can’t overcome is often counterproductive. If OP wants to learn how to drive there are therapists and counselors who specifically work with people with driving anxiety.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Agreed. Part of this is selfishness though – I don’t want to be on the road with a panicked driver. I think you’re being smart to avoid driving when it makes you feel that way.

      3. Observer*

        If you need a ride home because you’ve spent the day helping your friend do things he can’t do himself, then I don’t think you’re being an unreasonable burden if you also can’t drive yourself home.

        Seriously! If his wife can’t drive, they should pay for the car service. If they can’t do that, why is is any worse for you not to be able to drive?

        At this point in your life you CANNOT drive. It’s not a moral failing, it’s just a problem that you have, just like friend has a problem that he has lots of pain. It’s nt about comparing the two, it’s about accepting that these are just facts that exist and constrain your options, each on in its way.

    3. Clarissa*

      If you’ve helped them with home reno, they SHOULD pick you up AND drive you home just as thanks. And if you can afford to take an Uber or taxi, there is absolutely no reason you should HAVE to get your driver’s license.

      1. valentine*

        If you’ve helped them with home reno, they SHOULD pick you up AND drive you home just as thanks.
        Yes. This is a fine exchange. For me, driving would be easier. For you, the reno is. Worst-case, they could contribute to a rolling Uber fund for you.

        I hate that they’ve bickered over who gets to bring me home after a long day of me helping them with XYZ home improvements
        This needs to stop. It’s seriously wrong. You’re no their stray/rescue/project. If that’s the dynamic, chop it at the root. Have a talk with the friend beset by chronic pain. Say you are not in competition and you understand if he can’t drive you anymore.

        So many people are car-free. You are in good company, regardless of the reason. I don’t believe in forcing yourself to face your fears and doing so out of guilt will probably make driving loom even larger for you. I think you need a judgment-free, safe space to learn, if that’s what you want, and it sounds like it isn’t. Crunch the numbers. Doesn’t Ubering save you money? When you add in all the license costs, insurance, car, tags, any local stuff, parking, and maintenance, how are you better off? It would seem not driving is something you’ve been planning and budgeting for and I think doing that as well as you can will leave you happier than trying to learn out of fear of losing your friends.

        1. Randomity*

          Yeah. If you’ve been helping them on their house, either one of them sucks it up and drives you home, or they pay for a taxi. Honestly, I wouldn’t help them again if this is a thing that’s happened more than once. They made it too weird.

          1. Arts Akimbo*

            Agreed. Helping with home reno is a huge favor! They should cheerfully provide you with transportation for that, or stop relying upon you to help them around the house. They’re not getting nothing from this deal, therefore they should never be treating you like a burden.

    4. Alice*

      It’s completely ok not to drive! If you don’t feel comfortable doing it, don’t do it!
      I’ll give your friend a pass because he’s clearly in pain and probably not thinking clearly.
      I do encourage you to be more independent – this doesn’t mean learning to drive! But it means making your own plans about how to get around: taxis, Uber, public transit, bike, etc. Then when your friends start bickering about whose turn it into bring you home, you can say “actually I don’t need a ride.”

      1. Clisby*

        It absolutely is OK not to learn how to drive. It will be somewhat limiting, in that you likely can’t live that dream of having a cattle ranch out in the middle of nowhere – but even in my city of about 130,000, it’s entirely doable as long as driving isn’t one of the core requirements of your job.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      As gently as possible: A dear friend just gave up her license. She is 80 something years old. She put age as her reason for giving up her license. In reality, what happened was her granddaughter (a nurse) told her that she is so anxious she should not be behind the wheel.
      Honestly, my friend felt nothing but relief. I took her to DMV that day and I watched her. She just very matter-of-factly handed her DL over to the lady behind the counter. We had discussed a state ID, so my friend asked for that instead. We walked out of DMV and her day just continued on, not a big loss for her.

      I suspect she never wanted to drive in the first place, but she drove for decades. And was nervous as hell the entire time.

      I bet your friends are the first to say, “People who can’t drive or are afraid to drive should stay off the road.” But here you are identifying yourself as one of these people and they are telling you that you should drive. What’s up with that.

      If you removed the part about your friends’ inputs here, how do you feel about not driving? Would you conclude that it’s a mostly a non-issue in your life, you can get around and do things?

      As far as helping your friends with their home projects, I’d suggest a few things:
      Quit earlier. Don’t work as many hours, leave while he can still drive you home.
      Or, have them give you a ride to the house and you take an Uber home.
      Tell him to get a TENS unit and use it.
      OR just stop working at their house entirely, it could be that he should not be doing this work with his back problems anyway.

      Going in the opposite direction, if you decide to follow through and work on your license unfortunately it seems that the way out of the problem is to go right into it. This means keep getting behind the wheel.

      I remember learning to drive my tractor (fwiw, I was 46 y/o) involved a hour of cry time each time I had to mow. It would take me hours to mow, then I would go back in the house and cry some more. Then one day it happened, I caught myself thinking, “It take less time to mow, if I did not cry for an hour before hand.” After a bit I worked out a mow pattern so it did not take hours to mow. I have been doing this for awhile now and I have it down to the fact that certain areas in my yard concern me, once those areas are done, I actually enjoy mowing. It took me about 8 years to get to that point.

      I had to break the problem into many pieces in order to get a handle on it. Oddly, one of those pieces was finding out that I can’t eat gluten anymore. The gluten was driving my vertigo which in turn caused the tears and fears when I drove the tractor. I gave up the gluten and the results were pretty fast, I felt more in control of the machine.

      There were other aspects to this problem, so there is more to this story and it involved a lot of work to get to where I am now. Other problems included: it would not start reliably; it backfired and scared me; it was too easy to go up on two wheels; it was hard to find someone to repair it; I did not know who to call if I could not mow; if I waited too long between cuttings the mower did not work smoothly and I’d get stressed over that. Basically my core problem was I was a fish out of water. I was venturing into an area that I had NO knowledge of and where there is lack of knowledge fear will jump right in and fill up that space in our brains.

      My point is for you to conquer your fear here, you may need to look at many aspects that have very little to do with driving a vehicle. I helped my friend get her license. She basically understood how to drive but she did not realize. Listening to you here, my guess would be that you need more time in the vacant parking lot before you go out on the road again. My friend reached a point where she said, “NO MORE PARKING LOTS, NSNR!” I grinned. She was ready. She did great, really great.

    6. WellRed*

      It’s Ok not to drive and some people really really shouldn’t. Just get yourself around ( your friends making you feel like an unwanted burden they have to drive home is gross). If you truly want to drive, take lessons from a professional driving instructor, not your friends. If you can’t afford that, then you also can’t afford a car so what’s the point of the license?

    7. Mimosa Jones*

      I fully support your decision if you choose not to learn how to drive. I don’t think you should learn just because it would be more convenient for your friends. They’re already benefiting from your help, a ride is the least they can do. And ride share services will definitely be cheaper than owning a car in the long run. They may be pushing you to drive because they think it’s what you want and they think you’re working towards that. They may see their actions more as encouragement than pressure and criticism. If you firmly say this isn’t for you right now, then you’ll all be free to find something that will work for everyone.

      However, as the parent of a child in the process of learning, I can offer a few tips if you’d like to keep going. 30 hours of driving experience seems to be the sweet spot for gaining confidence behind the wheel. My child hasn’t reached that yet, but they’re close and I see the change coming. And I hear from other parents who have observed this in their children. I also think you should go back to the parking lot. Pick one that belongs to a mall or business and has stop signs and painted center lines. Go there early on a weekend. Then do all sorts of positioning tests. Stop where you think you should stop, then get out of the car and see if you’re right and adjust until you are. Do the same with driving on the road, parking, turns, etc. Find things inside and outside the car that you can use to position yourself correctly on the road. Practice it over and over. Then find a really quiet area to practice and ease yourself into driving with other cars and in traffic. If you owned a car, I’d also recommend just hanging out in the driver’s seat without turning the car on to reduce the stress of being in that seat. You can do this. You may never like driving, but you are capable of gaining this skill. But you absolutely don’t have to.

    8. Sparrow*

      Hi, I also have driving anxiety. I managed to get my license at 18, but was actually more nervous driving on my own, so the amount of driving I did decreased and then stopped. It’s been 7 years now of essentially no driving. Most of the time it’s fine, but there are some times when it’s really really *really* inconvenient. Also, some professional changes in my life might mean I need to commute by driving in the near-ish future, so I’m going to work on tackling it in the next few months.
      I think the most important thing is that I’m deciding I’m ready. I’m not doing it because of the social pressures of being a teenager, or snarky comments from my family, or friends are sick of giving ride, or because I feel like a failure. You might not be ready now, especially because your friend is pressuring you. But I’d encourage you to keep an open mind that maybe someday you will be ready, and that you may be capable of learning to drive with the right support. Either way, you are a capable person and whether you learn to drive or not, you are not a failure or a burden.
      If you do decide you’d like to learn to drive, here are some practical tips. 1) Professional lessons. With someone who has experience with driving anxiety. Absolutely don’t have friends teach you. It will cost $$$ but it will be worth it.
      2) Get your own car insurance. If you don’t own a car, you can still insure yourself. A quote I got recently was something like $30 per month for a set number of miles. I needed a license to get this rate, but you could ask an insurance rep if there’s a way to get coverage for yourself while you are practicing.

    9. Asenath*

      I have a license but haven’t owned a car or driven in many years. Some people I’ve known over the years think this is odd, but most don’t give it much thought one way or another. One thing I stick to – I very very rarely go anywhere I cannot get to and from on my own, by public transportation or on my own if I have to. I don’t make an issue of this – I simply don’t go to places outside my comfort zone, so to speak, and although I will often accept rides home from some event, especially if it ends at night after the buses go on the more infrequent evening schedule, I also do not always do so. I try to make it clear that I am not asking for favours or depending on people to get me around even though I don’t have a car. If I were to go to some inaccessible area for some special reason – like you with your friends’ renovation – I would have an offer to get there and back before I went.

      But from what you say, it sounds like you do really want to get a license. You’ve put some money into it, and you’ve persisted in your lessons until you were able to get through the last four without panicking. In that case, it sounds to me like it’s less a case of you figuring out how to function without a car (and since I do exactly that, I don’t consider it means “not having a function”!) and more like you need a way to get through the barriers to a driver’s license and car, since that’s what you’re trying to do. What did you do those last four times that worked well? Figure it out, and do it again – if you can afford the fees and to compensate your friends for the insurance costs. But if you have to put it off again, don’t think of it as failure, but as a luxury you can’t afford just yet.

  91. Holly J.*

    How have you felt like you’ve learned to “know yourself” in your 20s?

    People always talk about it in terms of… sexuality, or staying home instead of going clubbing. Are there other ways you’ve learned to know yourself better?

    1. Ranon*

      I don’t know that it happened in my 20s, but in my 30s I came to terms with the fact that I am probably a jock who likes to be out doing things and not actually a nerdy homebody – or rather that I’m probably both, but I’m happier if I take myself out for regular outings and exercise and sports with other people. I also learned that I need my exercise to have learning and competition or I get bored since numbers changing doesn’t matter to me at all, which has really narrowed down the activities I try for exercise to ones I actually like.

    2. Squidhead*

      I’m over 40 now, but in my 20s I learned a lot about how I approach decisions. Up until that point I lived with my parents, then went to a residential 4-year college. At 21 I found a place to live (with roommates) then the next year I moved to a new city & got my own apartment, leaving my boyfriend behind and committing to a long-distance relationship. The next year I bought my first new car (with help, but also with financing…deciding on new vs. used and how I felt I could allocate my savings and monthly income). I did well at my job and advanced. I protected my finances and lived more modestly than I probably absolutely needed to. I quit a (different) job for good reasons but it was a challenging decision. One of my parents died of cancer when I was 26 and living 3000 miles away. My boyfriend suffered a fairly serious injury that still gives him chronic pain and we had to figure out how to cope with these changes (it wasn’t always pretty). At 28 we got married. At 29 we bought a house.

      It was hard to recognize it at the time but over a decade later I can see (for good and bad) how these things shaped my life and who I am. And now I’m more comfortable talking about that growth and that identity. I work with some 21-year-olds who are struggling with things like peer pressure to drink excessively or spend money they don’t have. It’s easy (now) for me to say “oh, I never have more than one drink…it’s just not fun for me!” and be totally indifferent to someone else’s judgement if it’s there.

      So, yeah. For me, it was my first time making big decisions on my own, though I did still consult with my parents and peers. The meta-questions around all that were: How do I use my money? What do I want from my job? How do I make a life with another person? What makes me angry/happy/thankful/sad? What am I going to do about it? How did I feel when I did it? Would I do it again? Granted, the answers to these might be context-dependent (in a way that most people’s sexuality- for example- isn’t). And I do believe we always grow and change, both in response to life and in response to our responses, so age 29 is far from the end of this. (My 30s brought a complete & successful career change with student loans, family health concerns, the realization that we probably won’t have kids, and more!)

    3. londonedit*

      I’m now 38, and I feel like in my 20s I was always trying to ‘be something’ or ‘be someone’ and now I’m much more settled in myself and don’t feel the need to always look for the next thing that will help me ‘find myself’. I can only really equate it to clothes/style – in my 20s I feel like I was always trying to find my own style, but always feeling like I missed the mark and I wasn’t quite sure why. Now I wear things I’m comfortable with, I’m comfortable in my own body, and I know what looks good on me rather than trying to fit myself into a style that doesn’t quite suit.

      1. Blue Horizon*

        Yes, that’s similar to my experience – I’d describe it as learning to worry less about what people thought of me and more about what I thought of them. I can’t put my finger on exactly when it happened, but I’d say sometime in mid to late 20s.

        I remember having a conversation with a friend in which I was proposing to change my behavior in a way that I thought would work better for the situation at hand. She listened and then said: “Yes, but will you still be YOU if you do that?” If I had been asked that in my teens I think it would have provoked a lot of consternation and self-reflection. Twenty-something me just laughed and said “Of course.”

    4. Fikly*

      My 20s were very unusual. I spent them having a dozen major orthopedic surgeries, in a cycle of recovery, surgery, PT, rehab, etc. I learned that I could survive much more than I thought I could.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Oh my yes.
      And each decade just gets better and better in that regard.

      A modest income forced me to make budgeting decisions and in the process of budgeting I had to identify what was important to me and what was not important to me. I was surprised by how future focused I was. My purchases centered around practicality and longevity.

      Having time with friends and family was a big deal. I guess I never thought about it before because I lived at home and had people right around me. It was no longer automatic, I had to make arrangements to do things. So I did, but in this process I identified another part of who I am.

      I did quit drinking because I decided I wanted different things out of life. This tied into budgeting and time constraint issues also. I decided I wanted to use my little free time in different ways.

      I know I made decisions and identified parts of myself that definitely impacted the course of my life.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Understanding my depression as an illness with symptoms to be treated and a self to be cared for, rather than as a series of personal failings to be condemned and despaired over

      Learning the difference between contentment and resignation and giving up.

      Learning what reciprocity looks like in friendships, and what it doesn’t look like, and where I’m comfortable drawing the line.

      Better knowing my personality — preferences, habits, ways of viewing the world, instincts, dispositions, etc., and seeing those as both good and worth improving on.

      Re-evaluating my own understanding of my faith, and my political views, and how those things interact (and don’t).

      All of this has continued and expanded into my 30s.

    7. LQ*

      For me there was a really big break between who I was when I was driving hard for the goal of go to college, graduate, get a professional job. And then …now what? I had to learn how to have hobbies and relax and not be always entirely driving toward a singular goal. Which isn’t entirely true, because I’m still the person who always drives hard toward a goal, but that target moves around now. I can have downtime at work, not right now, but in my late 20s and mid-30s I had some long blocks where career wasn’t my primary driver, and turn up the dial on hobbies.

      I also started to (and still am) unlearning things (lies) that I was told as a kid. That I wasn’t the creative one. That I wasn’t the kind one. (I was the smart one.) I also learned a lot about the complexity of people and seeing other adults, especially my parents as complex people. It doesn’t sound like that’s about me, but it helped to unlearn some bad lessons they’d tried to teach me about me.

  92. LilySparrow*

    Well, here we go…

    We’re due to leave Monday on a weeklong roadtrip to see family – 2 days there, celebrate Thanksgiving, 2 days back.

    My youngest started puking about 9pm. It’s not anything she ate, it’s following a classic tummy bug pattern, including lowgrade fever.

    She’s finally fallen asleep (about 3 hours) and she’ll be fine by Monday, but now we get to try to figure out timing – how long do we wait to see if the rest of us catch it? The last thing we need is a car full of puke. Or to pass stomach germs to the old people.

    Sigh. It’s been 2 years since we saw some of this crew. We were really looking forward to it.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yes, she wound up having a few more rounds until about 3am. She’s been keeping water down since then, but her fever’s up to 101F.

        So no driving Monday anyhow. Maybe Tuesday if nobody else starts. Dr Google says 1-2 day incubation for most of these things.

      2. LilySparrow*

        Yes, she wound up having a few more rounds until about 3am. She’s been keeping water down since then, but her fever’s up to 101F and she’s got stomach cramps.

        So no driving Monday anyhow. Maybe Tuesday if nobody else starts. Dr Google says 1-2 day incubation for most of these things. I’m just so freaking tired – husband works Sundays, so maybe I can go to bed when he gets home.

  93. tangerineRose*

    Female Gen X person here. I was watching a show set around the 80’s, I think, and there was this whole thing about an attitude that liking science was unfeminine. Maybe I was just sheltered, but I don’t really remember this. Then again, I was an introverted bookworm, so maybe I wasn’t around enough people. I knew that there was an outdated stereotype where some people thought girls weren’t good at math, but I don’t remember anyone actually saying something like this to me. This was in the Pacific Northwest of the US. What are other people’s memories on this?

    1. WS*

      I’m also female and Gen X, and was an introverted bookworm, and there was definitely this stereotype. Lots of people were working to counter it, but there was strong encouragement of girls taking the “easier” science and maths subjects. (And a really annoying poster of a cute cartoon girl in a labcoat that said “Girls are great at science too!”) When the X-Files started, Dana Scully was a huge turnaround of this stereotype and was a big inspiration for a lot of girls and young women.

      I liked maths and science, but had a heinously sexist maths teacher in my second-last year of school which really put me off it. And nobody said a word to him, ever.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Im also of the above profile and also had more than a few sexist math and/or science teachers in the 80s and early 90s. I always really liked science and could do well in math too, but having to struggle against those guys (more than once i was made fun of for my accent (we had moved) or trying to mentally solve math problems quickly and would involuntarily move my hands a bit) and never feeling comfortable to ask for help if I needed it really hamstrung me.

        Then I found economics and that was a pretty good fit overall.

        1. valentine*

          I knew that there was an outdated stereotype where some people thought girls weren’t good at math
          I was just resenting this the other day, and I’m pretty sure our choices were memorization or one (1) way to solve problems. At least, I don’t recall anyone saying you could break numbers down so you’re working with a 5 or 10, so I think my teachers would’ve been mad and called it cheating/lazy and made it sound illegal.

          You couldn’t like science because it would render you a spinster (no one told us spinster was rad and on a superior plane to bachelor!) geek girl and no boy would like you because all boys like the same kinda girls.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        I was in high school in the 80s. Girls were not encouraged to take the math and science classes, I guess, now that I think about it. There were only two girls in my Intro to Physical Science class in 9th grade. For the science fair, we were assigned some really dumb project – I don’t even remember what it was, but it involved making posters, not blowing things up like the boys got to do. And there were only two of us in physics in 12th grade – even though the teacher was a woman.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        Ugh, I had a math teacher in high school who truly believed that girls couldn’t do math and was very vocal about it (he was an asshole). Of course, there were students in the class who proved him wrong, which he took as a personal affront. Then there was the opposite teacher who called me “lazy” because he knew girls could do math but didn’t realize I had an LD. *insert eyeroll smiley here*

        I don’t remember specific stereotypes about science. My HS science teacher was a woman. I’m not saying there weren’t any in media, just that I can’t pull any examples out of my brain currently. It does seem that all the media was male-focused, but that was the case with most of it.

        1. NewReadingGlasses*

          I had one in junior high that though girls could do math, but it was useless for them, and would make them “antisocial malcontents” so girls should be redirected into something else. This was in 1982. Luckily there was a way around him, but it was still quite a bad experience, and I pretty much lost most of my respect for teachers at that time.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My dad taught high school physics into the mid 1980s and he remembers in about 1980 was the first time his school district allowed the female students to take the higher level STEM classes. (Amusingly – one of his first two female students, that first year, went on to become my 8th grade earth science teacher. That was an entertaining parent-teacher conference night.)

    3. Anon For This*

      It was worse in some ways and better in other ways. I wasn’t allowed to study science at home because my parents thought it was inappropriate. They allowed me to have science books until I was five; then they were confiscated.

      At school, some girls were into science and the school seemed completely supportive of this. On the other hand, they were not supportive of someone dealing with a difficult home environment and trying to succeed in spite of it. I ended up being effectively denied the opportunity to take more than two years of high school math and science classes. I studied those subjects on my own after I graduated.

      Today, it seems like a really mixed bag. I get aggressively confronted by respected professionals for enjoying science. I’ve been demoted at work because New Boss thought work should be assigned by gender and not by knowledge, skills, experience, or what you were hired for. And when I speak out against such things, I face ridicule. In liberal areas, among liberal people. It’s completely ridiculous. I had to leave my field and switch to freelancing in other field because the harassment was so intense. I was stalked by my former employer for two years after I left.

      Things still need to change.

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        I’m sorry they took your books. OMG I want to go back and time and yell at your parents.

    4. university minion*

      It was a mixed bag for me… excelling in science in school was absolutely encouraged, but there was zero time/effort given to translating that into a career. What do you do with a major in chemistry? I knew I didn’t want to teach high school. What did that leave? A phD? Then what? There were no examples in industry, male or female, where I grew up, the career guidance was still in the mold of “nurse, teacher, secretary”.
      There was also no preparation for the big * that accompanies the “Girls can do anything!” trope. That being “But we assume they won’t actually WANT to do [insert typically masculine thing here]” and the crap that would ensue when you actually did.

    5. WellRed*

      Wow, I mean we’ve all heard the stereotypes but I don’t recall girls being disadvantaged by this type of thinking. When I think back, it was the girls who excelled the most in science and math. I was encouraged to take a higher math class ( which I didn’t do well in). I do think there’s plenty of room for improvement (looking at you STEM fields). 49 yo F here.

      1. Fikly*

        There are so many studies showing that girls were, in fact, disadvantaged by this thinking. And they continue to be.

        Both because they weren’t given the same opportunities, and when teachers do not expect students to perform well in x subject, students do not perform well in x subject, something that is also well studied across many demographic groups.

    6. Alex*

      I’m cusp Gen X/Millenial. My experience was that after about middle school, I was told that I wasn’t good at math or science but that I was good at English. My femaleness wasn’t cited as the reason, but rather my learning disabilities.

      But I think that if I had been a boy, they wouldn’t have been so quick to say “quit trying at math and science.” Meaning, only the extra-smart girls could do those subjects, whereas average boys could. And it turns out….I’M NOT ACTUALLY BAD AT MATH OR SCIENCE. I’ve taken coursework for my own enrichment as an adult, and I’m actually smart and capable of these subjects. I think it was a lot of bias that kept me from feeling like I could do those subjects.

      1. MinotJ*

        That’s it! I was trying to figure out my complicated answer to this question. My brother and I (“Irish twins“ – just a year apart) were both pretty darn smart and really freaking good at school. We both consistently got the highest grades in every class. But sometime around age 11 or so, I got the message that he was good at science/math and I was good at English/history. But we were both still excelling in all areas and we both constantly had our noses in books.

        Weird. My dad was a social worker and my mom was a pharmaceutical chemist, so I don’t think it came from them. My brother is now a librarian and I’m a microbiologist so I guess the brainwashing (where ever it came from) didn’t stick.

    7. Really?*

      Boomer here. I personally never had any issues. In fact had supportive teachers in both high school and college. My mother even majored in math in college.
      And I only heard of 2 college students who claimed they were told they couldn’t. One was expelled for cheating. The other had a chip on her shoulder and was obnoxious in the one class we had together.

    8. Clisby*

      I’m Baby Boomer, and don’t remember this stereotype. That is, I’ve heard of it, but didn’t encounter it when I was in high school (in South Carolina). Heck, my best high school math teachers were women, so it would be kind of weird if they thought girls weren’t good at math.

    9. Woman of a Certain Age*

      When I was growing up there were certainly a lack of women in most STEM fields, but it seemed to me like there were at least some role models. As a child in the 1960s, on TV I did see programs that might feature a female doctor, scientist or lawyer; and while there weren’t very many female doctors or lawyers in real life, on TV they were presented positively and as being competent and respected. (But they were almost always guest stars and not the star of the show, and not even a recurring character.) I grew up reading a lot of science fiction and I recall the intelligent female scientists in Ray Bradbury’s novels and short stories who were positively portrayed as being intelligent and competent.

      OTOH, while I wouldn’t necessarily say they were portrayed as being unfeminine, these women didn’t seem to have romance in their lives, or to have sex lives. (Though, there were the mini-skirted female scientists on Star Trek, but again they were always guest stars, not recurring characters.) In general, it seemed to me that women in science were portrayed as having to give up a lot of their personal lives for their careers and that they usually ended up as lonely spinsters. (I do seem to recall a couple of women scientist characters who were married, but childless and who seemed to have dull and conventional marriages.)

      In short, women in STEM didn’t have it all. Even now I have trouble trying to think of an attractive, sexy female scientist; one with a romantic life or one who is a mother and/or grandmother. (Poor Captain Janeway had to find romance in the holodeck.)

      In the 70’s and 80’s when I was a teen and in college, there seemed to be an effort at remedying this and schools seemed to be making an effort at recruiting women into STEM education paths. When there were blatant and obvious instances of discrimination against women, I naively assumed that these were aberrations and I really wasn’t aware of the obstacles that women faced in STEM fields.

    10. NewReadingGlasses*

      Well, what I got was that if you were good at science and/or math, supposedly you couldn’t be good at anything else. Like you couldn’t be good at writing, or music, or art, or athletics, or talking to people, and you would never learn to drive. For a girl, this also meant you would never marry and you would live and die in some attic somewhere. For a boy, you could marry someone to take care of you. I was good at math and also a girl jock, so I was clearly a mutant. My guidance counselor (that we were required to talk to before graduating) was very focused on the fact that a couple of my college choices had a rather high male/female ratio. She actually said “You’ll be sure to get a boyfriend there! Ha ha!” And had nothing to say about jobs or careers.

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Shoulder Gen-x/Millennial here. I mostly remember that every optional STEM thing I did, elementary school through college, skewed heavily male. I don’t remember anyone out-and-out telling me that girls can’t take STEM classes, but when I signed up for STEM enrichment classes through the Gifted program or parks and rec as a kid it was common that I’d be the only girl or one of two, and when I signed up for, say, French or Creative Writing as my enrichment class that term there were plenty of other girls there. Same thing when I took Saturday enrichment classes in computer programming versus writing in middle and high school. In college, the same thing happened in my computer science classes versus my communication ones. Choir, my other big interest, was always mostly girls except in the smaller auditioned groups that had a certain amount of slots for each voice part and took almost all of the boys who auditioned but very few of the girls.

      Of course, social cues aren’t my strong suit, so I don’t know that subtle pressure to get me to stop taking “boy” classes would have been any more successful than all of the other “girl socialization” stuff I was terrible at noticing I was supposed to be doing growing up.

      Weirdly, my adult hobbies, even the deeply nerdy ones, seem to be pretty gender-balanced.

    12. hot chocky*

      Also female gen-x-er. And scientist. At university, a woman majoring in feminist studies wrote to the school paper to argue that women shouldn’t have to do the obligatory math course because their brains were wired differently and couldn’t do logic. It was a very *active* stereotype.

    13. LQ*

      I’m at the oldest millennial edge was raised in a rural area in the midwest. My high school math teacher told me girls can’t do math and refused to believe I’d done my own homework when I did it in class in front of him.

      I was definitely an introverted bookwork. But was absolutely told that science and math weren’t for girls. Girls weren’t allowed to take the only class that used computers because it was a shop class.

    14. Lora*

      Older GenXer here. I went to an all girls school and we STILL got the message that girls were wired to be good at liberal arts, not science. The assistant headmistress tried her best to counteract it, as she was one of the math teachers, but…

      My public school friends had it much worse and were told in no uncertain terms that they shouldn’t be in College Prep Math, because it was for boys – girls should stick to Home Ec. Some persisted anyway, but weren’t encouraged or supported.

      When I was in college for STEM, my biochemistry professor who was a woman actually graded women students’ work much harder than men’s. When we studied together ahead of time and as a result answered the same exam questions precisely the same, women’s exams would be scored at a C+ or B-, while the boys received As. The head of the department liked to regale classes with stories about his latest prostitute encounter, and the school was being sued by a group of students for harassment and trading sex for grades schemes, so complaining wouldn’t have gone anywhere.

      In grad school, similar deal – about half the professors in one particular STEM department had recently retired after a quietly settled out of court harassment suit, and it was the opinion of the remaining faculty that those women were a bunch of whiners because grad school is hard everywhere, harassment is just part of STEM and learning to deal with it without complaint is just part of the job.

      I don’t know that it’s gotten a lot better above the high school level to be honest. One of my friends kids, age 12, is in a STEM charter school and he still doesn’t think either his mother (veterinarian) or I (bioengineer) do STEM for a living and openly is dismissive in a way that is definitely learned from his dad.

    15. T minus a year*

      Gen Xer here. One of my mother’s friends thought at I was abnormal for liking math. She though that I “needed” help. In college, my advisor never checked my schedule or advised me as he was sure I would drop out of mathematics. It led to me me taking math classes without the necessary pre reqs. (That was fun). But I did graduate with a degree in math and have been working in STEM fields ever since.

    16. Filosofickle*

      I didn’t run into much sexism like that personally, at home or school. In my high school (mountain west) there were so many more girls than boys in AP Calc, for instance, no one could really argue about what we were capable of. However, our AP science classes were almost entirely male so something was going on there. I was also pretty oblivious to gender bias, in a good way.

      But when I went away to college in small town Indiana (1991), it was VERY different. Many female students I met there had many stories to tell — of being told they couldn’t / shouldn’t do things because they were girls, of being discouraged or even shut out of AP math classes, of rigid gender norms straight out of the 1950s Bible Belt. Most of them were at this university to study math/science/engineering, and they often felt like they were not fully welcomed. Women only made up about 20% of the student population in the school of engineering, wo that’s not a huge surprise.

    17. Anon for this one*

      Boomer here who took all the advanced math and science courses in high school, majored in bio and received a doctorate in a health science profession (very few women in my class, though). At that time it was a far bigger deal to me that my high school was finally getting girls’ sports and that I could play a sport in college!

    18. Teach*

      I graduated from HS in 1991: I got a 5 on the AP Bio test, but did not take Physics or Chemistry because…I don’t know why. Girls just did not take those classes. I don’t remember being told we couldn’t, just that no girls actually did. And my HS was very academically oriented, with numerous National Merit Scholars, lots of AP classes, and competitive college admissions.

    19. Princesa Zelda*

      I’m a young Millennial and I was an all-around good student and quite good at math, although I got sine/cosine/tangent mixed up in Trig. It was expected at my high school that girls were going to college to meet a husband and learn skills to use as mothers, so I was discouraged from pursuing a hard science career like astronomy (which was a vague second to my actual career choice of the time, defense attorney. I am not either of those things now, but I was supported in my law school dreams because the teachers who were marriage-focused thought lawyer=best husband choice). I remember being deeply hurt because my grandparents gave me a book in 8th grade called “Math Doesn’t Suck” that is premised on the idea that girls are bad at math, and that deeply impacted my faith in my ability to do math. I was three grades ahead and having trouble with a particular concept, and that book did not help. The other girls at my school, even the other ones at the top of the class, all downplayed their math abilities and their intelligence generally, and I was considered a teacher’s pet and an oddball.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Late to this so you may not see it but… I got talked out of engineering by my school guidance counselor in 1984.

  94. Randomity*

    Is anyone watching the final season of Mr Robot?

    I never would have watched it without some recommendations here, so, thanks to whoever recommended it in 2015.

    Keeping it spoiler free for anyone who hasn’t realised it’s out yet, but: the “gimmick” episode a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t even notice the gimmick until reading recaps, and, last week’s episode all but broke me. Some beautiful acting from Rami.

  95. CC*

    Book suggestions for an 80something blind woman who listens to 5+ books per week (she has a special e-reader that someone adds books to but with the rate she goes through them it is hard to keep up with new ideas). No excessive cursing or sex since she can’t skip a word or paragraph with the audio books.

    She has already done all of Kristin Hannah, James Patterson, Jodi Picoult, Ken Follet, Stuart Woods, Outlander series, Andrea Barrett, Mary Higgins Clark, John Grisham. …..

    1. Alex*

      Has she read Tarquin Hall? I loved “The Case of the Deadly Butter Chicken” on audio book–it’s part of a series that I’ve been meaning to get to. It’s a mystery, but also funny.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      The Cat Who … series by Braun. The Narnia series by CS Lewis. The Mrs. Pollifax series. All the Dick Francis books.

    3. Anono-me*

      Mystery authors that your friend may like are Margaret Maron, J. A. Janice, Dick Francis, and depending upon availability Janet Neel.

      She might also like western author Louise L’Amour (I think he is significantly better than many western authors in his attitudes, but still may be too much for people.)

      All of these people, except Janet Neel, are very prolific writers.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Strong second to Margaret Maron and J.A. Jance (my two favorite Jance series are the Joanna Brady and J.P. Beaumont books).
        Have you read any of Dana Stabenow’s terrific Kate Shugak books (mild sex; minimal profanity)? Set in and around small-town and wilderness Alaska, each book offers a new mystery/problem to be solved; and reading the books in sequence shows readers how each continuing character changes and grows. And there’s humor, too—Stabenow’s “Breakup” always leaves me on the floor laughing, reminding me of the lunacy that happened each year when springtime came to a small mountain town I lived in a long time ago.

      2. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I totally second Margaret Maron and Janet Neel. I WISH Janet Neel would write more books. If she likes grim British/Scottish crime, Ian Rankin and Denise Mina are right up there.

      3. Analytical Tree Hugger*

        Not sure if its available on audio, but Selma Eichler’s Desiree Shapiro mysteries and cute, if light (more about the characters rather than the mystery).

    4. OtterB*

      Seconding Mrs Pollifax and Dick Francis. How does she feel about science fiction and fantasy? Anything by Lois McMaster Bujold, Patricia C Wrede, or Martha Wells might work.

    5. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Rita Mae Brown. The Mrs Murphy (she’s a cat) and Sister Jane series. (Sister Jane involves fox hunting). There is always a murder, but offstage and nothing graphic.

    7. MMB*

      James Lee Burke’s Dave Robicheaux series.
      If she’s at all interested in trying some fantasy for a change of pace, Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series is phenomenal.

    8. Pippa*

      Dorothy Sayers. Agatha Christie. GK Chesterton’s Father Brown series. Elizabeth Peters, particularly the Amelia Peabody series which is much stronger book 2 and forward; she also writes under Barbara Michaels. Louise Penny’s Armand Gamache series is great and well written.

    9. Something Blue*

      Does she like historical novels? Sharon Kay Penman is great. She writes long novels set in British history. I learned a lot and really enjoyed them.

      And if she wants something lighter, Ellis Peters and the Brother Cadfael series.

    10. acmx*

      Stuart Woods’s books always have sex in it, including threesomes (I was annoyed by the implausible set up not the threesome). Also Outlander I believe has sex, rape and abuse in it. So she’s not avoiding those topics.

      I agree with Mrs Pollifax and the No 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency series.

    11. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thirding Mrs. Pollifax (Polifax?). Seconding Dorothy Sayers.
      The Maisie Dobbs series by Jacqueline Winspear is profanity-free, I think, but I’m not sure about sex scenes. Nothing blatant but there may be some implied intimacy.

      1. Runaway Shinobi*

        Mary Stewart – written in the 1950s, romantic suspense, lovely descriptions of various European countries.

    13. JKP*

      Lindsey Davis’ Falco novels. It’s like Columbo set in ancient Rome. It’s a really long series, so a lot of books for her if she likes it. Each book is a mystery murder set in a different part of Roman society, like one book it’s the banking industry, one book a construction site, etc… The main character is a common man detective, so you see a lot of the seedy underside of Roman society, not just togas and mansions. I don’t remember any cursing, and I think all the sex was fade to black next scene. The first book is Silver Pigs.

    14. NewReadingGlasses*

      Tony Hillerman. Mysteries set in the Southwest, main characters are Navaho. I think there are about 20 of them available as audiobooks.

    15. hot chocky*

      the lady trent series by marie brennan. Set in pseudo-victorian times about a woman hunting dragons.

    17. Analytical Tree Hugger*

      Does she enjoy satire and social commentary? If so, explore Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series.

  96. Anon time*

    Jan Karon books (though they bend Christian, if that’s a problem), starting with the Mitford Series.

    The Number one ladies detective agency series

    If you think she’d be open to YA, Harry Potter and the Divergent Series.

  97. Anon Here*

    My parents have, mysteriously and unexpectedly, dropped off the map. They’re in their late 70’s. They live in different cities. They both usually respond to my emails within 24 hours, 48 at the longest.

    We’re not close. There’s a history of abuse. I have often gone years without talking to them for this reason.

    My mother has a lot of health problems. The last time I heard from her, she was going to the hospital for some tests. My father has a history of taking advantage of her mental and physical frailty to be abusive in every way possible. Yes, I have talked to relevant professionals and tried to intervene, but it hasn’t been possible so far.

    There isn’t much that I can do, considering that I need to look out for my own safety too.

    It’s tough dealing with this alone. Most people are judgmental towards me or they just don’t understand. It’s honestly made it difficult to have friendships or romantic relationships. That’s my lot in life. It’s not getting easier as they age; the situations that arise are just different.

    I don’t need advice. I’m aware of most of the resources and options that exist. But words of support and kind thoughts are welcome, as are comments from anyone dealing with anything similar.

    1. WellRed*

      Parents can definitely get more difficult as they get older and yours sound challenging already. All you can do is take care of yourself, which it sounds like you are. Stay strong and I hope you have a peaceful Sunday.

    2. Alex*

      No advice, just solidarity. Having aging parents is hard, but it is so emotionally complicated when there is also a history of abuse.

    3. Anon*

      I heard a 5 minute portion of a radio program where the guest was speaking about her experience growing up in an abusive home. She said that now, as an adult who had/is working thru the childhood stuff in therapy, the hardest part isn’t the past abuse. The hardest part for her is not having internalized what “normal” looks like. It hit me hard! An Ah Ha!
      Changing generational abuse without good role models or a healthy internal frame of acceptable behavior made me feel like an actor in a play for so much of dating and early parenting. I knew what not to do but kept guessing about what the appropriate response should be.
      Folks who grew up with more or less regular disfunction view the world thru that lens of “normal”. I’ve been rejected for sharing my history but also accepted a few times. I rarely share. Looking back I think one rejection in particular came because I upset that person’s idea of normal and who grows up abused- hungry, beaten, punched, shamed, burned, kicked, abandoned, screamed at, dragged by the hair. Abuse is a word we know but describe what happened, even one instance, in detail? Give a person an image to process, carry around, attach to a real person they know? Easier to judge and reject you.
      I work in a law firm now. An attorney cluelessly announced in a meeting regarding a charity event we were planning that it was great that people like us were helping people like them. I wondered how many other people at the table were there specifically because we were exactly people like them.
      The statistics on abuse are grim. There are more like us than disclose. Take care of yourself as best you can.

    5. Not A Manager*

      That sounds completely horrible. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For your own peace of mind, I do hope that you hear from or about your parents soon.

      If I may ask, you say that they live in different cities. Does that mean that they live separately and they have BOTH weirdly gone radio silence at the same time?

      1. Anon Here*

        Yes. Each of us lives in a different city. The cities are 5 – 8 hours apart by car, forming a triangle.

        When I started college, I became aware that my father was abusive by definition. I gave my mother the benefit of the doubt because I thought her mental health issues were a factor in her behavior. I confided in her that I was concerned for her safety and mine. She confided in me that she did feel abused but had been staying only “for the sake of the kids.”

        I ended up spending about 20 hours a week giving her free counseling while I completed my first year of college. I was 17. I had started a year early. I supported her in her decision to leave my father and organized a move to a different city – packed our stuff, found a place for us to stay, connected her with resources. Then I transfered to a different college and took a hit academically just to get away from my dad. I had reason to believe he could violently retaliate.

        Then my mother turned around and kept seeing him while acknowledging how abusive he was to me. She didn’t care about my basic safety. She told everyone she had moved for other reasons.

        Her health continued to decline. The abuse became worse. My father stole from me via tax fraud. He threatened me with violence for wanting to further my education and pursue a career in anything other than teaching or nursing. I wound up homeless and then forced into a sketchy kind of life against my will (long story). It took years to escape. I survived all kinds of violence. But I went to grad school, got a degree that was easily available to me, and worked on building a respectable life for myself. I spent all of my free time reading science text books and writing music. I tried to leave the country to get a fresh start and get away from the family problems, but that didn’t work out.

        I’ve built a good life, and there has been some healing within my family, but it’s all taken a huge toll on my life. I keep trying to sort it out and make a full recovery. It’s complicated, so it’s hard. I have a lot of friends, but when I become close enough with someone that this stuff comes up, they either judge me for it (“You’re so smart, you’re a loser for not having a better job. Stop blaming your family. They must be ok since you turned out well.”) or they just find it too overwhelming and hard to relate to and therefore don’t want to hear about it.

        There is good stuff about my family too. I appreciate that side of things. I just feel like, “No good deed goes unpunished,” has been the recurring theme of my life sometimes.

        But here I am, eating chocolate by the water with a wonderful dog. It’ll be ok, right?

        1. valentine*

          I think a therapist could help you learn skills to either take them off your plate or severely further reduce your sense of obligation and not to feel guilty.

          You have run into a lot of awful people. I understand not wanting ties to abusers, but no one should be chastising you for what you’ve accomplished literally on your own.

        2. Arts Akimbo*

          OMG, that “Stop blaming your family. They must be ok since you turned out well” is such a toxic, victim-blaming response. You turned out well *despite* your horrible family due to your own strength, resilience, intelligence, and hard work. Anyone who can’t see that isn’t worth your time.

          1. Anon Here*

            I agree. Unfortunately, it seems to be more common among people who have successful careers and have had an easier time in life. So I run into a lot of it from people who are in a position to help – counselors at relevant advocacy groups, more established people in my field, doctors, etc. It isn’t possible to avoid it. But, yes, I know where it comes from and I don’t take it seriously.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Yes. It will be okay. It won’t be great, but it won’t be awful either. It will be okay.

          You are different now. You have more resources than ever before. You have more life experience than ever before. You have access to more help than ever before. And you have your dog. It will, indeed, be okay.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I will keep you in my thoughts. It’s a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. And yes, it’s surprising the people who do not understand.
      I am glad you are keeping you safe first and foremost. I hope you are able to put the time in for some self-care this weekend, what ever that care would be for you. This is something that can drain a person pretty fast, so finding ways of putting things back into you and your mind and your life is probably an good investment for you right now.

  98. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Not sure if people will get this far down but what the heck. Favorite stories you reread at Christmas?
    For us, it’s Janet Kagan’s “Christmas Wingding” (1993), a sf story where the descriptions are so lovely you’ll want to go there.
    This might be the year I give myself “The Nutcracker Coup”… the last of her work I haven’t read.

    1. OtterB*

      You’ve sent me back to my Collected Kagan ebook because I don’t remember Christmas Wingding. It’s in there and I will make a point of reading it sometime in the next month. I remember liking The Nutcracker Coup but don’t remember details. I really like A Rose Point Holiday by MCA Hogarth but I think you would have had to read the rest of the series (begins with Earthrise) because it’s full of things that are amusing or touching because of character backstory. A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote is really good also.

    2. Pam*

      Both adorable. I also love Connie Willis’s Christmas stories, many of them collected in Miracle.

      There’s always Arthur Clarke’s The Star, but it’s not exactly a happy Christmas story.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yes, Connie Willis needs to go on my mental list list. “Just Like the Ones We Used to Know” and “Inn” are both in a collection I have.
        But oh god “The Star” … that one scarred me almost as badly as the Turtledove story “Crybaby.” (That one needs a trigger warning…very good thing I read it *AFTER* my daughter outgrew her collic.)

    3. NewReadingGlasses*

      LeGuin’s Earthsea trilogy. I got them as a Christmas gift as a kid, so they give me a holiday feel when I read.

    4. hot chocky*

      the christmas day kitten (something similar?) written by the vet in yorkshire who wrote the vet stories in the 50’s or 60’s(james herriot)

    5. Princesa Zelda*

      I always read The Hogfather by Terry Pratchett. It’s part of his Discworld series, and the premise is that the character Death is covering for the Hogfather/basically Santa for the night. It’s a quick read and very funny.

  99. Renter's Rights?*

    Is anyone here a landlord or familiar with renter’s rights?

    I moved into a new apartment about 4 months ago. Over the past month or two, my bathroom has begun to REEK of cigarette smoke. It’s so bad I can’t even store my things in the large cabinets I have under the sink and behind the mirror or they’ll start smelling like smoke too. I can’t smell it anywhere else in my apartment, but this morning I opened my linen closet (right next to the bathroom) and got a strong whiff of cancer sticks.

    I got a small air purifier and that does help, but I don’t want to leave it running all day and it doesn’t help with the smells in the cabinets. I do have a very strong sense of smell and cigarette smoke has always been something I absolutely can’t stand. None of the units in my building are considered “smoke-free”, and I don’t want to be “that difficult tenant” because I’ve already emailed the property management about this. But am I wrong to think that for $1200 a month I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this?

    1. Clisby*

      I’m not a lawyer, but one thing I’m pretty sure of (if you’re in the US) is that this varies widely from state to state. I think I’d start by googling ” landlord-tenant laws”.

    2. AW*

      There was a similar question in the open thread either last week or the week before, but about cannabis smoke.

  100. Holly J.*

    My bank is keeping my account hostage. I took out all the money so I could close the account, and then they charged me fees for not using my account, and then overdraft fees because of the not-usage fees. They said they can’t refund it as a courtesy because they refunded me like 10 years ago as a courtesy for something. What if I just… leave it and don’t pay it? Like, what, they’re going to put it in collections and then I’ll still never pay it? This is just freaking ridiculous.

    1. WellRed*

      Have you gone into the branch and asked to speak with a manager? They might waive the fees and close the account for you. And yes, this could wind up in collections and ding your credit.

    2. Anon For This*

      The fees will add up and, separately, it will bring your credit score down. That happened to me a long time ago. I kept asking the bank to close my account and they always said they would, but, instead, they left it open and sent bills for unpaid fees to an old address (they refused to update my address even though I gave them the new one). By the time I received each bill, a new late fee had been assessed, but I hadn’t received a notice for it yet, and the bank wouldn’t let me overpay. It was really messed up. They charged me $30 per month for years and refused to close the account. It ruined my credit score.

      Send them a notarized letter by certified mail telling them to close the account. You’ll need to document what you sent them and the fact that they received it. That should result in the account being closed.

    3. fposte*

      The problem is that having an account in collections really hurts your credit score, and if you need to rent an apartment, buy a car or a house, or even get some jobs your credit will be checked.

      Bank fees absolutely suck. The best defense is to know what fees might apply to your account and what minimum usage/balance requirements exist, and to officially close the account ASAP if it’s not being used. Sorry, I know that’s not a solution; it’s just the only thing we consumers can really do.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      When you withdrew the money did they understand you wanted the account closed?
      Did they assure you they would close the account for you?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Also my question. If you withdrew the money without closing the account, I can see why they charged the fee. But if you went to the bank with the request to close, they should not be charging you.

    5. Gatomon*

      You might have issues opening other banking accounts. Many banks use ChexSystems as a sort of credit score/report for your banking history. If you let this one burn and they report into the system, that may cause issues for you until it drops out (~5 years is what I’m reading online). They may also report to your credit report and cause you issues there, and/or sell the debt to a collection agency.

      Did you tell them you wanted to close the account, or did you just draw out all the money and were intending to close it later? What you normally want to do is the former, because they will then provide you the balance of your accounts right then and there.

      Honestly, I would suck it up, pay the fees and chalk it up as the cost of getting away from these people permanently. It’s probably not worth the damage to your credit or being hounded by collection agencies, and the longer this stalemate goes on, the more fees they will add and the less likely they are to work with you.

  101. Bad News Bear*

    Banks do things like this. This is why people don’t like banks.

    (Um, exactly how much time passed from between when you took out all of your money, and when you were charged for not using the account? You probably needed to close the account when you took out the money, or very shortly afterwards, like within a week or so after. But it’s too late for that now.)

    Not to be unsympathetic, but you’re kind of screwed.

    If you just leave it and don’t pay it and the account is still considered to be open, the penalties and interest will continue to grow. If it is considered closed, hopefully they won’t. If they send it to collections, collections will hound you with unwanted phone calls and letters.

    They’ll also report you to various credit reporting agencies which will make getting credit more difficult in the future. Like you might get turned down for a credit card or a mortgage, or if you get one you’ll have to pay a higher interest rate. Some employers run credit checks on prospective employees and if you have bad credit, they might decide not to hire you. Ridiculous? Yes, but it happens.

    Even if you pay it, it might still show up as a black mark on your credit report (although paying penalties and/or late fees is not considered as much of a black mark as not paying them).

    Probably the best thing to do is pay the unfair fees and move on. (But yeah, it sucks.)

  102. CG76*

    I haven’t felt well in several months and while I understand no one can diagnose me on the internet, perhaps you can offer advice or suggestions? This will be long but I’ll try to keep it as concise as possible; I really hope someone reads this and can help.

    It all started with nausea and lack of appetite which was diagnosed by an allergist as a sinus infection. I refused to take antibiotics because she wouldn’t do a swab of my nose/throat to confirm it was bacterial and 95% of sinus infections are viral. It eventually cleared up on it’s own, but then I started having other weird issues mostly with my ears but also diarrhea, hair loss, and lots of fatigue. Saw an integrative medicine doctor who diagnosed reactivated Epstein Barr Virus and put me on supplements and a gluten and dairy free diet. They helped with the hair loss and diarrhea, but not my ears which were itchy, full, ringing, etc. In addition, I started getting cystic acne on my scalp, neck, and shoulders whereas I never had that before. I was taking lysine, which actually people take for skin issues, so this doesn’t make any sense.

    Also, during my first visit to this doctor she ran her hands up the back of my head (without warning me) to help alleviate a sinus headache (this was before the sinus infection went away) and the next day and ever since I’ve had what I can only describe as nerve pains at the top of my head and the occasional sensation like something is dripping under the skin of my forehead. Since then (which was in June), I have developed pain in my neck and shoulders and the back of my head as well and it’s hard to sleep because any pressure applied to my head results in pain. The pain goes away fairly quickly once the pressure is removed, however, so it’s not a headache.

    I’ve seen two neurologists. One thought it was migraines which I don’t agree with since the head pain (not the nerve stuff but the pain when sleeping) is only caused by pressure. Also, I’ve had migraines in the past and these are not that. The other neurologist diagnosed fibromyalgia even though I don’t have widespread pain. All the pain I experience is from the shoulders up except when the head pain gets really bad and then I do get pain that radiates down my arms. Again, that pain disappears once I take the pressure off.

    I’ve also seen three ENTs, a rheumatologist, and an infection disease doctor (who said I don’t have reactivated EBV or Lyme based on a Western Blot). I had a brain MRI and neck x-ray, both of which showed nothing abnormal. I’ve had lots of blood tests with normal results (inflammation, cbc, vitamin d, copper, zinc, magnesium, b-12, parasites).

    The second neurologist referred me to a pain management doctor who started giving me trigger point injections that have lidocaine and a steroid in them. The first round went into my shoulders and SCM muscle in neck. It cut out the burning pain in the SCM but other than that didn’t do much and I still had the head pain while sleeping. The second round a month later went into my shoulders and back of head (occipital region) and hasn’t given much relief either. In fact, the injections on the right side of my body didn’t even provide numbness via the lidocaine even though the left side was numb for four hours after the shots.

    I have noticed at night that I am clenching my teeth. I’m not sure if I’ve always done this, but I wake up with my teeth clenched and I think it’s in response to the pain I’m in. That being said, I did read that TMD can cause pain the neck, head, and shoulders, and I have a slight clicking noise in my jaw on the right side, so I went to see a dentist who specializes in this and he had me do a CBCT scan. I am waiting for my official follow-up appointment but he mentioned the joint being “jammed into my ear canals” and gave me a temporary acrylic splint to wear 24/7 on my bottom teeth. Just one day/night of this and my tinnitus increased so I stopped wearing it (per his instructions). I had a softer version of this night guard on my top teeth from my regular dentist but it made the tinnitus worse as well and the specialist said the top guards just encourage more clenching. This new doctor thinks moving my bottom jaw forward will alleviate the pain issue but will not help the tinnitus. I am going to another specialist with my CBCT results to see what he says before I do anything else because moving my jaw seems really extreme for a problem that has only manifested itself in the last few months.

    In the meantime, I am in pain every day which seems to be getting worse and noticed I’ve developed sensitive hearing. Sometimes noises make the muscle in my ears flutter and going to the store is overwhelming to me because the fan/motor in the refrigerated cases seems extraordinarily loud. I get weird whirring sounds on top of the regular noise as well. This happens at home to the refrigerator and furnace too. I was given muscle relaxers but the day after taking one (I only use at night to help with sleep) the ear sensitivity and fluttering is even worse! So I really don’t want to take them as they only seem to be making things more sensitive which doesn’t even make sense to me.

    I have a follow up with an ENT next week but he was really rude to me on the last visit telling me it’s anxiety and nothing wrong with my ears since my hearing hasn’t changed. I have just a mild 10db loss of hearing around 6000 hz in my right ear and it’s amazing to me how much distress it is causing me. The tinnitus started years ago but all this other crazy stuff only manifested itself after the sinus infection.

    I hate that the pain “specialist” just wants to give injections which aren’t helping when I would like some advice on any exercises I can do to help fix the tight muscles. He thinks them being tight is from chronic stress and the last several months HAVE been EXTREMELY stressful for me to the point where I’ve had very dark thoughts, but that doesn’t give me a plan on how to make things improve.

    All these doctors want to throw medication at me and I want to get to the root cause and fix that so I can go back to being a person who doesn’t sit in their house all day trying not to aggravate their condition which means being careful about how I sit, stand, and use any devices so I don’t keep putting my neck in a bad position. I assume this would make things worse even though the pain doctor didn’t even mention it, because again, these people just want to give meds instead of lifestyle advice to improve the situation.

    I’m super frustrated that I was perfectly happy and healthy earlier this year and now I supposedly have TMD, eustachian tube dysfunction, tinnitus, hyperacusis, muscle pains, and fibro. Surely there should be something causing all this, right? How can my health degrade this quickly? I had to quit my job and I rarely leave the house because of how terrible I feel. I miss my old life/self and want to be healthy again but with each specialist who doesn’t help me I feel more and more hopeless. Where is Dr. House when you need him?

    What would you do/suggest in my situation?

    1. fposte*

      I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. There are a few different ways of thinking about what could be going on. It seems like you’re pretty distressed from not feeling well, which is understandable (especially since it sounds like you’ve had other significant stressors), but you’ve been checked out pretty thoroughly and it sounds like you’re not in physical danger.

      As a result, what if you focused on the distress rather than the diagnosis? Go to a good PT (I know, not easy to tell in advance) for the muscle stuff, get some exercises going for them (if you’re a computer user, your SCM, scalenes, and pecs can absolutely tighten the hell out of everything) on the regular, and put together a plan focused on reducing stress in other ways? I’m not dismissing the physical symptoms, but mine always bother me more when the rest of my life is kicked up, and sometimes the answer is to dial the life down and not to take more medication for my Crohn’s.

      Illness often doesn’t have a single-point root cause, and once you get past basic childhood diseases, health problems are often managed rather than cured. I’m an “I wanna know!” person myself, but sometimes there’s no knowledge to be had, or even if there is, it doesn’t get you any farther than just improving things would and searching for the knowledge ramps the stress up when you want to be going the other way.

      Just some thoughts from the other kind of management track :-).

      1. CG76*

        That’s good advice. I think I’ve spent too much time online on Reddit, Google, and FB groups trying to get to the bottom of my issue. I’ve gained insight, but unfortunately I’ve also learned how many people are out there suffering which is very depressing to me. It also doesn’t provide hope that I can improve when people are talking about how many YEARS they’ve been in pain without relief.

        I’m definitely a problem solver type of person and it’s been frustrating not to be able to solve this and feel better. I’m used to not feeling well for a short time, or even a month or so, but not 6+ months so that is why I’m so stressed/anxious/depressed. I am having a real hard time wrapping my head around how this has continued and nothing I’ve done thus far has helped. I have all this money in the bank, which I am thankful for so I can pursue whatever care I believe I need, but it irks me that it alone isn’t enough to guarantee that I won’t be living with chronic pain from now on.

        I haven’t been able to go out and do anything fun since the spring either so all that isolation isn’t helping matters. I just don’t want to accept that this is happening to me, I guess. I could handle the pain aspect better if it wasn’t coupled with the ear stuff. The sensitivity to noise is impacting me the most because you can’t just turn off your hearing to get a break. It makes it impossible to ever relax which in turn makes the pain worse. I am definitely not getting adequate sleep which also makes the pain worse. It just feels like I’m stuck in this never-ending loop of issues that are feeding off each other.

        I am definitely going to pursue physical therapy again. I did it earlier this year before the pain got worse and at the time didn’t think it was doing anything, but I guess it was stopping things from progressing which was something at least. And I am changing who I see so that maybe I will have a better result this time.

      2. CG76*

        I wrote a long reply to you and am not seeing it. Maybe it’s in moderation? But essentially I want to thank you for the advice. I plan on doing physical therapy soon.

        1. fposte*

          Looks like it was in moderation and is out now. I think physical therapy is a good step, and anything you can do to improve the sleep and isolation problems would be good too. Sometimes when something’s wedged behind a fridge you just have to try to get at it a different way.

    2. Taking The Long Way Round*

      I’m very sorry you’re experiencing this. It sounds like you’re in agony, and on top of all that feeling like you’re not being listened to by the people who are there to help you.

      I confess when I first started reading what your symptoms were, I thought this sounds like fibromyalgia, but I also believe that we’re our own experts and we know what’s going on with our bodies and what feels right or not.
      So I’d say, go with your gut feeling, and if you don’t think it’s fibromyalgia then it’s very possible it’s not.

      I hope this doesn’t sounds like a trite question, but what do you think is at the root cause? You mentioned anxiety which has been diagnosed. I personally wouldn’t dismiss anxiety as causing all kinds of physical symptoms, so it might be that treating that (with whatever you feel comfortable with) might sort all the other stuff out, but really my feeling is that if you perhaps get to the root cause of the anxiety then you might find that all the symptoms go anyway, rather than just treating the anxiety.

      And, just one last thing which is a bit ‘kooky’. I’ve found Louise L. Hay’s book, “You Can Heal Your Life” helpful at various points in my life, not in curing my illnesses (which is what she claims it will do) but in identifying what actually is really making me ill in the first place. To me that’s the important thing. Illness is a message from my unconscious, and as soon as I’ve heard what that message is and I listen to my body, very often the illness alleviates enough for me to treat it.

      Oh, and massage with lavender oil could help.

      I wish you the best.

      1. CG76*

        To be honest, I keep thinking Lyme disease, or some other tick borne illness, might be at the root of all this. I have a family member who has it and had many of the same symptoms. The problem is with testing as it can come up negative even if you’re positive. However, I don’t want to start treating as if I have it and cause harm to myself if it’s not that.

    3. WellRed*

      Do you think maybe the sinus infection hasn’t gone away and it’s uh, gotten spread around or something?

      1. CG76*

        I suppose anything is possible, but the ENT I saw in September would have seen that when he looked up my nose, wouldn’t he?

        1. WellRed*

          I had a friend with an earache or some such that actually ate through into her brain ( but was a much quicker progression then what you’ve described). But you haven’t been “right” since that point and most of your symptoms are centered around your head, especially some of your ear comments. You’ve seen a lot of specialists. Have you got a regular old family doctor who might actually listen to you? You probably still need a specialist but you need the right one.

          1. CG76*

            Wow, that’s scary! Is your friend ok?

            I have been seeing a regular doctor as well so I feel lost. Maybe I need to find a new one.

    4. Digley Doowap*

      CG76: I posted a reply to your post but had a nesting fail. Please see my reply that is three posts below your post.

    5. OyHiOh*

      I’m going to reply to myself with a link so check back later to see the graphic I’m attaching.

      In short, your symptoms sound linked to a condition called cervical instability. It’s rare, not well understood, hard to diagnose, and treatment is very much about management rather than cure. But it’s uncanny how closely your symptom cluster tracks with what can happen with this thing. Diagnosis is done via x rays of the cervical spine plus mobility assessment. As you work with your various specialists, something to keep in mind.

    6. Wandering*

      A couple thoughts in case you come back to this thread:

      PT: do you have local ones who do manual therapies (eg, cranio-sacral, myofascial release)? I’ve had great relief from that kind of work, & seen others with everything from mild to transformative results. When things get stuck, cascading issues can compound in miserable ways. Working with someone who can “unstick” things & help release the cascading effects can often help enormously. I used to be attached to a PT who built his practice on patients area doctors had said couldn’t be helped. He turned some lives around.

      Western blot: if you are concerned about Lyme, you need better testing. Western blot is commonly used but doesn’t have great accuracy for Lyme (& some other things); it’s readily available & gets used a lot but that doesn’t mean it’s the best test. I’m not remembering the better test name, sorry, but hope some online research can give you things to review with your GP.

      Acupuncture. A great acupuncturist has a wealth of knowledge that can address problems from a different angle than an MD. If you’re game & haven’t yet, ask around for reputations.

      I assume you’ve checked out online Lyme boards for info & recommendations.

      I’m sorry you’re having such a rotten time, & hope you’re soon able to find help in resolving things.

      1. CG76*

        I’m having difficulty finding a PT on my area who does that kind of work but already had it on my list of avenues to explore.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Did anyone work with you on B vitamins? The ear issues and skin issues can SOMETIMES be indicative of something going on with the heart.

      Are your ear canals tipped or straight? Mine weren’t draining and I could feel the fluid in my head.

      If you are open to chiropractic I would recommend looking for one who also works with nutrition and food choices. Try to find one who has been working for a while, like a couple decades.

      We have had the discussion before here a while back- you can massage the connective tissue at the back of your mouth that joins the upper and lower jaw bones together. This can help release some difficulties. Some one here explained it much better than I just explained it now. The first time I learned of this is when my chiro (!!) put on a glove and said “open wide”. It’s easier if I just do it to myself than let someone else do it. He said that I should have that checked after each and every dentist appointment. (!!)

      I have had great luck with using willow bark (health food store) for getting my sinuses to drain. I never got results from aspirin like I did with willow bark.

      So I have a personal question, no need to answer but please mull it over. Are your bowels working regularly? Ya know constipation can bring on more layers of misery than one would ever imagine. (Random pain, sadness/depression like symptoms, inertia, negativity, and on and on.) Healthy bowels work a 2-3 times a day. My poor father had his problems, not the least of which was I am pretty sure he only pooped a couple times a week. (I am shaking my head, this is scary stuff.) Stay hydrated and keep those bowels doing their thing. If you have difficulty you can drink a little organic apple juice NOT from concentrate and that should help in a meaningful way. I cut mine with water, I don’t want all that sugar and it makes the bottle last a while.

      I hit age 34 like doing 90 mph into a brick wall. I had so much going on that my life just stopped. Apparently docs think that is the age where we start to down turn, but not all of us notice. I went back to square one- diet, hydration, sleep. I did not do anything with exercise, I had a very physical job and there was not much of me left after my work day. I can’t see where exercise would be appropriate for you ATM unless it was a short walk or something similarly modest.

      1. CG76*

        I’ve been doing gentle yoga moves and just going up and down the stairs in the house to get some exercise in without overdoing it. I aim to get 72 oz of water daily but still only poop every other day. I only consume about 1200-1500 calories daily due to my restricted diet. I weigh 105 lbs but was 142 lbs 6 months ago when this all started. I think the rapid weight loss (most of it came off the first two months) really messed my body up.

    8. blink14*

      I’m late on this so I’m not sure if you’ll see my response but here are some suggestions! This is all based on my experience of having a primary immune deficiency disease, along with chronic muscle pain, including neck pain since I was a teenager.

      First – Get a full immune system blood work up – have your antibody (immunoglobulin) levels tested, have Lyme tested again, cytomegalovirus (its common, but can cause weird issue when active), a full hepatitis panel. Your allergist may be qualified to do this – many allergists are immunologists as well, but you may also want to ask for an immunology specialist. You may also want to ask to see an infectious disease specialist (sometimes they are also allergists/immunologists). Chronic and long lasting acute sinus infections are known, common symptoms of immune disorders. I’ve had my primary immune deficiency likely since birth, but it wasn’t diagnosed until recently. I’ve started an infusion treatment that has made a huge impact on my health and I do believe that over time, if I continue the treatment, my body will start to heal from some of its problems. But I also know I’ll never be as high energy as other people, and that’s just life.

      Second – try the bottom night guard. I’ve had one for about a year, and it makes a huge difference with sinus pressure, ear pain, jaw pain, etc.

      Third – see a chiropractor and/or an acupuncturist. Chiropractic care has been hugely helpful for me and keeps things in check. If I fall out of my treatment schedule, or am in a very stressful period of life, my neck pain (along with all of my other pain) flares up and I know I need to get back on schedule or go for extra treatment. I plan to try acupuncture next year, as it’s being included on my insurance for the first time. I’ve also found that chiropractors also have many non-medication suggestions for pain management as most take an alternative medicine approach from the start anyway.

      Fourth – If you can budget for it, try massage therapy at a place that has experience with injury therapy and myofascial pain syndrome, if possible. Myofascial syndrome basically means the webbing that connects and covers muscles (fascia), is too tight. You’ll want to be very honest about your level of sensitivity, but getting those muscles and trigger points worked out will be beneficial in the long run. Physical therapy may also be an option, if one of your doctors can prescribe it. I would suggest a sports medicine focused practice, which will likely have different techniques in comparison to a traditional physical therapy practice.

      Fifth – reduce all stress as much as possible. Focus on sleep and activities that help you relax. Get out of the house and take a walk, even if it’s 5 minutes. Fresh air and sunshine can make a huge difference both mentally and physically.

      Trying to get down to the root of a medical mystery can be incredibly depressing, stressful, and negative. I urge you to keep seeking different advice and testing until you land with a medical professional who is not going to give up until they figure it out, but who is also going to prioritize quality of life. Getting my immune deficiency diagnosis was so validating, and a relief, even though I know the road ahead is never going to be easy. But day to day living was becoming so difficult, just getting to work was a struggle, that I was ready to take whatever was coming my way.

      Lastly – if the steroid shots aren’t helping you, do not continue them. It is a near guarantee that prolonged steroid use for a chronic infection triggered some kind of metabolic issue for me, and I’ve been very sensitive to steroids ever since. I only use them when all other options have been explored.

  103. Merci Dee*

    A note for The Other Dawn …..

    I was on the way home from the weekly church/lunch with the parents/Walmart trip today, and heard an announcement on Sirius XM’s 80s on 8 that, in 2020, Motley Crue, Poison, and Def Leopard will all be doing a stadium tour together. From what Nina Blackwood was saying in the announcement, it’s the first time Motley Crue has toured since they broke up in 2014.

    Heard the news about Def Leopard and thought of how much you love them. :)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks! I do love Def Leppard! I’d been hearing rumors, but didn’t know it was officially announced.

      I have mixed feelings about Motley Crue. Based on what I’ve heard, Vince is not sounding good at all these days. The last time I saw them was the early 90s, I believe, and they were great. I’m hoping they sound good, but I’m obviously there for Def Leppard. I like Poison, too, and they sounded great a few years ago.

  104. Trixie*

    Comforters, what to do? I found one on sale and was desperate to be warm at night. I found it almost too warm but after reading the reviews this sounds pretty common.
    I’m also looking at duvet cover to keep it clean, and pillows. My pillows were falling apart as of last machine wash.

    1. fposte*

      I think anything that’ll keep you warm on cold nights can run a little too warm sometimes. I turn down the thermostat a little more when I shift to the cold-weather comforter and I sleep Scandi-style (comforter cover, no top sheet) which makes it easier to stick a leg out to thermoregulate.

      (I use a ton of pillows and I’ve yet to figure out what exactly I’m looking for.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My cure was fleece sheets. They are not really cold when I climb in bed at night, I don’t have to waste body heat warming up my own sheets.
      And I use a regular thin cotton quilt type of thing in place of a comforter.

      I was using one of those super warm comforters with the fleece sheets and I thought I would melt, I was that warm. I am usually the first person to complain of cold.

      I ordered pillows online from JC Penney, I bought their cheapies that were medium firmness. I have been very happy with the pillows. I no longer sleep on my back with a pillow under my head. I used to enjoy that so much and now that is gone. But for side sleeping I have a bamboo pillow that I LOVE. It stays “fluffed up” for the lack of a better way of describing it. It keeps my neck in line with the rest of my spine when I sleep on my side and it helps. It’s firmer than I thought I would like but because of the way I am using it, it’s working great.

      I paid a lot of money for a water pillow and that was a mistake for me.

  105. Digley Doowap*

    I completely understand your situation as I have same tinnitus and hyperacusis and ETD as you do ( Had to quit my job 3 years ago due to the symptoms and inability to focus). My wife went through a horrendous journey with her TM joint and experienced many of the symptoms that you have. I believe you have at least 3 separate issues that are occurring at the same time.

    You said the tinnitus started 10 years ago and since you have hearing loss, I would assume you had an acoustic trauma or other trauma to the head that started your tinnitus. Tinnitus and hyperacusis get progressively worse over time to the point where you’re experiencing discomfort from refrigeration and furnace (same with me, I removed the frig from the kitchen and into the garage so I could escape from my bedroom). I no longer leave my house due to all the environmental noise, which causes me great discomfort and increases my tinnitus. Based upon your tinnitus reaction to the muscle relaxer, the muscle relaxer is most likely ototoxic. Most medications are ototoxic and doctors are completely unaware of it. This also includes most all hypertensive medications that pass the blood brain barrier. You need to protect your hearing and wear earplugs or muffs when going outside. I’ve been told I have catastrophic tinnitus and I hear a combination of 3 tones, screeches and hissing, but worst of all I hear electronic crickets, thousands of them all screaming in disharmony. These diabolical sounds are all in the 12,000 to 15,000 kHz range at approximately 78dB (24/7).

    You also have somatic tinnitus, which is caused by movement in the TM joint pressing on nerves that influence a tinnitus reaction in your ear. Somatic tinnitus is usually experienced when the TMJ joint is put under stress, like when you use the mouth guards. I get somatic tinnitus when I thrust my jaw forward.

    As you mentioned, you also have TMD. My wife went through 30 months of hell until she was finally diagnosed with a left side TM joint tumor, which was only discovered by a neurosurgeon’s review of her brain MRI she had at migraine onset. All of her problems started with the series of sinus infections and then salivary gland infection. She then experienced the worst migraine of any type and was diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia with migraine. She was put on so many medications that she lost sight of who she was, couldn’t remember anything and became helpless. Once the tumor was identified at 14 month post migraine, we spent the next 16 months searching for a doctor who would treat it – no doctors at Stanford would touch it. During this search time, my wife felt like her head was going to explode from pressure and then burning pain started radiating down her left arm, the arm was becoming numb, and she could no longer taste anything on the left side of her tongue. We finally found a plastic surgeon who had treated this condition only once before (paid out of pocket as he was not apart of our insurance network). He then ordered a specific type of CT Scan with contrast. Once the tumor was removed, along with a clot of vessels that had formed to feed it and the TMJ joint was reconstructed, she woke up from surgery without any sensation of head pressure and she had a big smile on her face. It took 6 months to wean her off of the various migraine medications. She now has some permanent memory loss, which we believe is an artifact of the migraine medications. She still has some pain and reduced taste sensation. She uses an inflatable neck collar once a day for 15 minutes that alleviates the residual neck nerve pain that has remained.

    I recommend that you google “Tinnitus Talk Forum”. This forum is a great resource with many tinnitus suffers that discusse the tinnitus symptoms you have and what you can do to keep them from getting worse.

    Please have a doctor review your brain MRI, it may uncover an issue with one or both of your TM joint. If needed, get a second MRI or the special CT scan designed for the TM joint.

    1. Jaid*

      Jesus, this sounds like a “This American Life” episode. No shade, dude. You and your wife have all my feels, and if if there’s no recovery, I hope you find peace somehow.

      1. Digley Doowap*

        Thanks Jaid. No recovery for me, but my wife is still her cheery self despite all she has gone through.

        “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.” John Lennon, RIP

    3. CG76*

      Wow, I am so sorry about what you and your wife have gone through. Do you know what caused your tinnitus?

      I am very aware of Tinnitus Talk, and to be honest, wish I never came upon that site because it has only served to make me feel worse. There’s no cure. Shoot, there really isn’t even a treatment! I know all about ototoxic meds and it irks me when doctors tell me there’s no way x medication could have caused an issue with my tinnitus. They are full of sh*t and don’t really care about how terrible the affliction can be unless it’s so mild you only hear it in absolute silence. I told a nurse I wish they could find a cure for tinnitus and she replied “I wish they could find a cure for cancer”. Like F you, lady. I am suffering here, do you really have to minimize that? Obviously there should be a cure for a lot of things but I was relating to MY personal issue. Just a LITTLE sympathy from the medical community would be helpful.

      I don’t know where my tinnitus came from as it started suddenly two years ago but not in response to an acoustic event. ENT at the time said allergies and put me on Zyrtec which ironically is ototoxic. Then again, if you believe Neil B. from hearing loss dot com then everything is. My tinnitus isn’t nearly as loud as yours, and is only two tones, but both react to noise which makes it tough as silence is uncomfortable but noise is too. I am praying they find something to help us with these issues in the coming years with all the medical progress we’ve made, but I don’t think using earmuffs is the right way to go as from what I read that will just serve to make one’s hearing even more sensitive. I for now am trying to expose myself to regular noise more frequently to hopefully desensitize myself as I do not want to become a recluse. I have another 40+ years to live (hopefully) and they won’t be very enjoyable if I can’t go out and do things.

      P.S. The CBCT scan I had is specific to the TMJ so that will provide helpful to show my ENT as well as the other TMJ specialist.

      1. Digley Doowap*

        Sounds like you’re on top with regards to the tinnitus. I agree tinnitus talk can be overwhelming, but there are several members who really know quite a bit of information that is helpful to newby’s. Since you are not a newbie, probly not so helpful with regards to stress.

        I’ve had tinnitus for 15 years and it started out with various acoustic traumas over the years from going to concerts to riding motorcycles. It was mild tinnitus for 10 years and then progressively got worse. I’m now a recluse, but I do go out for food shopping, ect.

  106. Teal*

    Sigh. In a nutshell, my mom can be a difficult person. There was an important family event and my parents and in laws were in attendance. Overall, I thought my mom did pretty well 98% of the weekend. My MIL told my BIL that my mom was being difficult this weekend and now my BIL (with no filter) tells me all about it.

    I am annoyed. I know sometimes she can be difficult but that is for me to deal with and you to politely not say shit about! As if my pouty MIL is perfect.

    Thankfully, the “whole crew” rarely gets together.

    Back to Season 3 of The Crown :)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes I like to just sit back and let the difficult people of the world forge a relationship path on their own with each other AND without my assistance.
      ” Gee, BIL, sorry to hear that. Am doing Season 3 of The Crown here and I kinda need to get back to it. Good luck with all that.”

      1. Teal*

        Heart eyes!

        I really like this. And I can use that quote with 95% of what BIL says to me, haha.

        (Side note, BIL wasn’t even at this event, so I don’t know why he felt the need to tell me. While it was semi true, it wasn’t really helpful, and it definitely was not inspiring, necessary, or kind! Ah!)

    2. Not A Manager*

      If he’s No Filter Dude, can you get away with saying, “Hey, she’s my mom. I don’t talk about your mom that way.” And then just give him a look.

  107. Anono-me*

    Troutwaxer, thank you for mentioning Josephine Baker on Friday. I just got the book Josephine today (and a ‘few’ others). I am settling in for an evening of reading in a comfy chair next to the fireplace with a warm quilt and a dog.

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