{ 1,188 comments… read them below }

  2. Parenthetically*

    Good morning! Little Brackets #2 is two weeks old and MUCH more awake now, and we have our windows open in late December. What’s the best part about your weekend so far?

    2. Lilo*

      I got so many books I am excited about for Christmas. Currently a quarter of the way through The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle.

    3. Queer Earthling*

      Metamour had to run some errands, so he’s picking up breakfast for me and my spouse. I usually handle the food preparation so it’s a nice start to the morning.

    4. loislolane*

      We are bringing our adopted puppy home tomorrow so that will be the shining part of my weekend…I can’t wait to get home after work tomorrow!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I received a copy of a book I didn’t realize was available in the US yet. So I’m starting in on “Mudlark: In Search of London’s Past Along the River Thames”. I’ve been following Lara Maiklem on Facebook for years, and this is a topic i love, in a style that I am already enjoying.
      I’llbe reading it slowly to let myself have the fun longer. Much needed with family in the hospital again.

      2. Edwina*

        Oh my goodness! We discovered about mudlarking a few years ago, when our son was 10 or 11, and we spent a WONDERFUL morning actually mudlarking! It was crazy the kind of things we found–old pieces of 19th century pipes (the kind you smoke, white ceramic pipes), decorative buttons, a decorative knob for a Victorian dresser! The other amazing thing was, down there at the banks of the Thames, and looking up at London, you realized you were standing where people had stood, for hundreds and hundreds of years… the time fell away, you felt like you were time traveling through centuries. It was just the coolest way to spend an early morning (you have to figure out when the tide is low). I do hope you will be able to go to London and try it someday!!!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I totally plan to. I have English ancestry and friends & family there. They know that my next trip will involve purging on a mudlarking license. The license requirement is new–there were too many abuses including people going into archeologically restricted zones and *digging* even near structures.
          If licensing doesn’t solve the issues and has to get still tighter, I’ll at least be timing it to go on a Thames Discovery tour of the foreshore.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Check out Citizan as well (Coastal and Intertidal Zone Archaeological Network) if you’re in the UK and interested in such things.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! In 2.5-hour increments, but I can’t complain! LB2 is a much faster and more efficient eater than her big brother was at this age, so night wakeups are 30 minutes rather than an hour.

    7. Anon PhD*

      I made french toast for breakfast and then just sat and read my book till I finished it at 2. It was gloriously peaceful and enjoyable :)

    8. AnonEMoose*

      We slept in this morning, and I got to try out the new frying pan DH got me for Christmas (at my request). It is coated in ceramic…NOTHING sticks to it, and because it is ceramic, it does not give off the toxic fumes that traditional non-stick pans do. It also requires much less butter or oil.

    9. AamAdmi*

      I bought an InstaPot and cooked up a feast of curried vegetable dishes. They were a little over done so I will have to adjust the timing when I do them again. I have used a cook top pressure cooker before for chick peas and lentils but pressure cooking vegetables is a new experience.
      I do mass cooking every weekend. The clean up was painful before with so many pots and pans to wash. With the InstaPot it is a breeze. I might start enjoying cooking.

    10. OyHiOh*

      Spending the weekend surrounded by artists supplies. I have two packs of pastels – colors and greyscale, colored pencils, a graphite drawing set, acrylic paints, watercolor paints, brushes, palette knives, drafting kit (I like drawing architechture so angles and protractor are helpful), far more expensive paper than what I normally indulge in . . . .

      Also, we have a Hanukkah tradition of stocking kids up with 3 months worth of art supplies one night. Did that last night so my dragons are*also* spending the day surrounded by watercolors, poster paints, brushes/palette knives, colored pencils, crayons, paper, cheap stretched canvas . . . . .

      We live in a tiny house. I feel like we live in a Crayola factory :P

  3. MommaCat*

    And I’m off for the first of two funerals this week. What are your favorite self-soothing things? My usual go-tos, booze and candy, make me feel worse the next day, so I’d rather use those in moderation. Thanks!

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Profanity and hard rock on the radio–both indulged when I’m alone in the car. I also swear in other settings depending on who else is around. This list also used to include chocolate but for various reasons I’m trying hard to eat less of it.

      Oh, I forgot–baked custard, hot tea w/ milk, and plain steamed veggies. Not all mixed together. And taking a walk outside. And hard housework. You’re still broken-hearted but the [whatever] is shiny clean.

      1. fposte*

        Somehow I would not have associated those with you, and I’m delighted to learn this.

        MommaCat, my sympathies. I also like going for a walk, preferably in reasonably attractive surroundings (like, the park rather than the mall); alternatively, watching amusing/soothing YouTube videos, taking a warm bath or shower, limiting physical discomfort as much as possible, and sleeping as much as possible.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Something about that hard pounding music on the car radio, right, Jean? I am glad I am not the only one who sees this.

        But I can go the opposite way and find a sad tune very comforting. It varies according to mood.

        Sometimes I have to check in with people. Not all the time and the people I check in with will differ, also.

        Our rituals/habits can save us. Mundane tasks such as dishes or laundry can give me a sense of continuity that seems GONE otherwise.

        Not all the time, but sometimes reading about someone who clearly has a worse situation than mine helps because when I am feeling bad for them I can move out beyond my own sorrow. And it kind of helps with acceptance, “Okay, this person is gone now. So be it.”

        Nothing works every time. It depends on the personality involved, it depends on our relationship and many, other factors.

      1. MommaCat*

        Thank you. One is from my husband’s side, and one from mine, and they’re both cases where they had been lingering for a long while…but it’s still sad as hell, even when mingled with relief. <3

    3. Princess Deviant*

      Self-care/-soothing things:
      – having a bath, shaving my legs and putting body cream and clean pjs on afterwards. With socks!
      – cup of chamomile tea
      – nap
      – walk in nature for 10 minutes, or just outside if no nature nearby!
      – deep, slow breathing with my hand on the skin on my chest
      – drinking a glass of cold water
      – doing a mindfulness meditation such as a body scan
      – doing some mild stretches.

    4. Laura H.*

      Comfy pjs and a good book with a hot beverage of your choosing, or stroking a pet if you have one- it’s uncanny how our furry friends know when we’re a little down.

    6. Queer Earthling*

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      My favorite self-soothing things are baths, naps, and watching Buzzfeed videos. Basically, things that turn my brain off for a bit.

    7. Ra94*

      I find exercise (of whatever kind or intensity suits you) soothing, because I can switch my brain off during, and afterwards if I still feel crap, at least I did something nice for myself. Yoga is my go-to, since the breathing is really relaxing for me, but it can be anything from lifting weights to a brisk walk.

      1. Jackalope*

        I like dancing best as exercise since it gets me out of my head and gives me physical contract with other humans (I’m very physically affectionate so for me this helps; ymmv). But I’ll echo what Ra94 said: exercise is a big thing because moving my body helps me stop thinking about things and then when bedtime comes I’m more likely to be able to let go and fall asleep since I’ve worn myself out a bit.

        A friend a few years ago also recommended a bath with candles only, no electric lights. When I can manage that, followed by going straight to bed, it also helps me relax enough to sleep. (Can you see that not sleeping is a big part of my grieving process?) I also like making hot cocoa with Baileys; I know you said no alcohol, but even just hot cocoa made with warm milk if you can is helpful. I have a good friend who likes tea instead so if it’s herbal that could also help.

        So sorry you’re dealing with this. Sending you my best Jedi hugs.

    9. LilySparrow*

      For normal situations: Netflix, tea, and hugs.

      For abnormal situations that change my plans for the day (like going to hospitals or funerals) I like to change up my whole routine and go to a museum or see a movie by myself, or go browse a library or bookshop – some kind of low-key quiet exploring.

    10. Noblepower*

      My sympathies, MommaCat. Walks in the great outdoors helped me, and I found it oddly helpful when my Mom and I told each other funny stories about her parents when they passed. It brought up some great memories and it helped me focus on how grateful I was to have them in my life and blunted how sad I was to lose them.

    11. Ginger ale for all*

      I like to go to a restaurant when it isn’t busy and linger over a meal. I also get hot tea and there is something so decadent about it when they bring the China pot of hot water, cup, tea, and lemons with the tiny stirring spoon that makes me so happy. I then tip more than normal to hopefully make the experience good for the wait staff as well.

    12. Bluebell*

      Sorry for your losses, MC. I’m partial to dog on the lap and a cup of herbal tea. Love Pukka brand. Sometimes a sheet mask is nice, and the occasional Epsom salts bath ( eucalyptus or lavender.

    13. NoLongerYoung*

      Hot bath, sleepytime tea in hand, or my latest, watching comedy routines online. I can laugh until I cry. I even watched an old funny movie (I seldom watch things twice, but did this with a friend).

      When I was first trying to recover from loss of my husband, I walked the dog like 4-5 times a day. Just leashed her up and left the house, and walked until the tears stopped and nature had soothed me.

      Self-care is not selfish. Sending you an internet hug.

    14. BethDH*

      Making or planting something. Complexity based on your energy and time available. Even something like finishing a crossword or doing a coloring book page.

    15. Meepmeep*

      So sorry for your loss. My self soothing of choice is usually online forums, cheesy mystery novels, and knitting. Any sort of crafting is helpful, I think.

    16. AnonEMoose*

      I’m so sorry for your losses; two in one week is a lot to deal with. For me, baking is soothing; I like to listen to music while doing so. Usually I bring the proceeds to work for my coworkers to enjoy; then DH and I don’t eat all of it.

      Watching “The Great British Bake-off” is also soothing to watch. That, a hot beverage, and Netflix, usually with a cat snuggled into my lap. Also coloring can be calming, or walks in a nearby park.

    17. MommaCat*

      Thank you all for your tips and condolences. My usual grief go-to is to have a couple drinks or two, let myself have a good cry, and maybe repeat a time or two. Generally that works, but the next funeral is for my mom, so that ain’t cutting it. This funeral went well, so I’ll start trying y’all’s suggestions. Hugs gratefully accepted!

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        My sympathies – I gave advice above but truly, feel for you. two in one week is exceptional stress. (hug)

    18. Catherine*

      Cooking is really soothing for me, particularly making bread. I don’t actually have an oven so I make fry bread on the stovetop these days using my cast-iron pan.

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m so sorry.
      For me, it’s walking by water. I grew up near salt water, and something about waves & wind always helped. Beach is beauty even in winter. Now that I live inland, I have learned that lakes and streams help to. Waterfalls are the best. If I’m stuck without nature, snowy fields, rainstorms, and water fountains.

  4. Distracted*

    Staying with my in laws, and my brother in law’s dog keeps barking and barking and barking from overexcited-ness and no effort is being made to stop it. I’ve taken to retreating to the bedroom with noise cancelling headphones.
    I’d have gone home if we hadn’t bought 2 together railway tickets and a new ticket would be £250 just for me.

    1. Texan In Exile*

      The barking alone would bother me as well, but the fact that no effort is being made to stop it? I share your pain so much and yeah, I would be at the point of thinking, “Is 250 pounds really that much money? When compared with my sanity? Or a possible prison sentence?”

      This sounds awful. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. They are not doing it right.

      1. RUKiddingMe*

        The barking would make me stabby. Well the no effort to stop it would. Can’t blame the dog.

        I have five relatively quiet cats…except for one when he decides to talk.

        As a child he would just not shut up but he’s mostly …mostly… outgrown his talkativeness.

        That said he’s been following me from room to room all weekend and *talking* while I work.

        I’ve undertaken some “spring cleaning” (yes, I know it’s winter here) and I’m clearing out a bunch of acquired crap…45 (broken down) boxes from Amazon that I will totally make use of some day…recycled finally, washing blankets, jackets, sweaters, etc. and so forth. Just generally de-cluttering and making stuff feel less…crowded I guess

        Talky Kitty feels the need to supervise and apparently direct the operation(s), but at least it’s not non-stop barking!

        1. Distracted*

          Agreed that I can’t blame the dog.

          He’s only a year old and has never been trained. In laws seem to be relying on the fact that he is a good dog, and have never disciplined him.

          First met the dog when he was 7 months old and still bite-y. They made no attempt to rebuke when he nipped at anyone. He went for my hand and I closed my hand to make a loop with my thumb and forefinger that encircled his lower jaw but didn’t exert any pressure on him. I made it verbally clear that I wasn’t going to be a pushover, and let him go. He’s been much more wary/respectful of me than anyone else.

    2. MaggiePi*

      Do they make something like a bark collar that doesn’t attach to the dog but emits a antidog noise when they bark? A dog whistle may do it.

      1. Soft kitty*

        A squirt bottle with water is about as effective as anything. The noise- or citrus-emitting options are usually for when people aren’t around to squirt the dog. So you don’t have to find anything specialized (although many shops don’t have the squirt bottles, yet they may be found near the supplies for indoor plants).

        The squirt bottle can make things worse if the dog is fearful, although in those cases the citrus- or noise- emitting options will also fail (I once cared for a dog who barked a lot, and I left home for a short time and returned to lots of barking and a very strong smell of citrus as she had emptied the entire thing).

        So no guarantees of success, but for the £3 it might be worth looking for a squirt bottle. If the dog is barking protectively at people outdoors, or squirrels, then this may be a good option. The other way might be to put it in a bedroom? I also realize that this isn’t your dog, and shouldn’t be your problem to solve, but at least it would be cheaper than £250

    3. StellaBella*

      My take on this is a bitter different. A tired dog is a happy, quiet dog. Instead of deterring the dog with squirt bottles etc take the dog out for a long (2 hr) walk if you can. You will be amazed at how he quiets down. Repeat – a couple of long walks or visits to the dog park each day are in order for the pup to not feel frustrated and to get his energy out of his system.

      1. CC*

        Yeah, the dog needs something and isn’t getting it :( Your inlaws aren’t helping the dog manage itself, which is the job they signed up for when they adopted it!

      2. Soft kitty*

        I completely agree with this, except that Distracted isn’t the dog’s owner and shouldn’t be spending hours a day fixing someone else’s problem. If Distracted is keen to walk then that would be ideal, but it’s not always an option for someone who is visiting (especially if the dog is hyper and is not good on leash).

      3. Distracted*

        Agreed. Sorry, I had not quite described the situation at the time.

        The first time I walked out, the dog had just returned from a 45 minute walk. My brother in law was playing with the dog, inside, in that manner that so many of us use that hypes the dog up. Stay still, then make quick unexpected movements toward the dog and rub the head or shoulders very quickly, and retreat.

        That was 2 days after I spoke firmly but plainly with my BIL/SIL that by giving the dog treats so that it doesn’t bark while we eat, they had very efficiently trained it to bark while we eat.
        My attempts to stop the dog jumping up on me in the kitchen by raising my voice/speaking harshly have no effect on the dog, I suspect because no one has ever spoken harshly to it before.

        My brother and sister in law have now gone home, leaving my husband and I with my parents in law and the dog. He has calmed down immensely. My in laws are now very vigilant about keeping the dog away from me while we eat, although I suspect that they correctly assume that I am very close to giving the dog a light smack on the nose by way of discipline.

        Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs, had dogs of my own for 24 years. This is a lovely dog, but he has never been disciplined. An untrained dog is a dangerous dog, and a dog whose owner refuses to control the dog is a terrifying prospect.

        I understand that the dog is only a year old, but I am now staring down the possibility of spending the rest of the dogs life explaining that I don’t want to be in a house with this untrained dog under threat of destroying the family if I object to it barking uncontrollably for hours at a time.

  5. Mary Connell*

    We don’t tend to watch many movies in the theater, but my husband and I saw the new Little Women movie last night at a community theater. Highly recommended. And I just saw an article showing the places it was filmed – all in Massachusetts. Any other recent high quality, beautifully produced, non-violent movies you’d recommend?

    1. lilsheba*

      Little Women has been remade so many times now it’s like the new A Star Is Born! I read the book years ago but never watched any of the films.

    2. Gertie*

      I finally watched Mary Poppins Returns yesterday. It’s from last year, but it’s on Netflix now. Very nostalgic and cute!

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Consider “Abominable”, if you aren’t excluding animation.
      Stellar art, lovely soundtrack, strong female lead, and a sweetly emotional plot.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Knives Out!
      It’s a mansion murder mystery with an absolutely stellar cast. I loved it so so so so much. I would totally go see it again. It’s funny but not in a haw-haw way, more in a very tongue-in-cheek way, and subverts many tropes.

          1. Graciosa*

            Agreed – more Agatha Christie violent if I can put it that way!

            (“Look! There’s a body in the library!”)

    5. Chaordic One*

      This is such a wonderful book, so forward-looking and inspiring for its time. I can understand why it inspired several movies based on it. I really love the 1994 movie with Winona Ryder and Susan Sarandon and I do sort of think, do we really need another version? I will probably go and see it anyway, just out of curiosity.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I read that Laura Dern is excellent in it, giving a much richer portrayal of Marmee than we’re used to. I’m interested in seeing it for that alone.

        1. Felicia*

          I saw it on Christmas and while Laura Dern is great I don’t think her portrayal of Marmee is much richer than we’re used to or much different at all. However, Florence Pugh’s portrayal of Amy is much richer than we’re used to and she made the character of Amy much more sympathetic and understandable and relatable. And the Amy/Laurie thing more logical. I’d recommend it just for that.

      2. Mary Connell*

        Just read a New Yorker article called “‘Little Women’ and the Marmee Problem.” I don’t think I’ve seen the 1994 version, but if it doesn’t handle the theme of womens’ anger and loss—and not just Jo’s anger—then yes, it was time for a new post-#metoo adaptation.

    6. Ginger ale for all*

      I can’t stop thinking about Last Christmas. I thought it would be a light holiday romance bit it turned into something else. I loved it.

      1. **Spoiler*

        It was sort of like a Hallmark Christmas rom com crossed with “The Sixth Sense.” I have to give it bonus points for originality and going beyond the usual cliches.

        1. Ginger ale for all*

          There is also the question of whether or not it is a religious movie or not; all those ‘look ups’, were they the ‘hey look on the sunny side of life’ or something else?

    8. Worked in IT forever*

      It is probably out of the theatres by now, but I recommend “Yesterday.” It’s just a nice, sometimes funny, feel-good movie about an aspiring singer who is the only person who remembers the Beatles. The premise seemed a bit dumb, and I wasn’t planning to see the movie, but I’m glad I did. I ended up really liking the movie.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      I witnessed an awful accident on Christmas eve – a pedestrian in the middle of the road got knocked over. I couldn’t look, but I heard the sound and it was sickening. I still think of it now. I can’t sleep at night. She was thrown quite a way, and there was blood everywhere.

      She was conscious and kept trying to get up on her broken leg. I’m not sue that she wasn’t drunk or just confused from the accident as she had a head injury.

      I was the one who rang for an ambulance and stuff, but I wasn’t coping very well. I kept on repeating oh my god over and over while I was dialling, and some guy shouted at me in what felt like an aggressive way “CALM DOWN”. I guess it was his way of dealing with it also but it just added to the stress and horribleness.

      My brother said if she had her shoes still on (she did) then she’ll probably be ok.
      I rang the hospital later but the doctors couldn’t tell me anything other than she was stable.

      I just hope she’s ok.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I’m so sorry; what a horrible shock. That’s definitely the kind of thing that will take some processing and will stick with you. (Keep in mind the guy unhelpfully yelling “Calm down” was probably processing the shock in his own way. Or else it was the ghost of Michael Winner.)

        If you can talk to a professional, that’s not a bad move; this is really a traumatic thing to witness.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          Keep in mind the guy unhelpfully yelling “Calm down” was probably processing the shock in his own way. Or else it was the ghost of Michael Winner

          Ahh yes, that’s right and thank you for the giggle :D

        2. Stephanie*

          I work in a factory currently and you can tell some of the guys are haunted by workplace accidents (I’d say it’s a pretty safe site, but unfortunately, accidents do happen every once in a while).

      2. Disco Janet*

        I’m glad to hear she’s stable. My son’s teacher was killed the day after Christmas in a motorcycle accident – someone ran a stop sign. Her husband died on impact and she was life flighted to the hospital, but they couldn’t save her. Not the same as seeing it of course, but we’re reeling.

      3. Auntie Social*

        The shoe thing is an old wive’s tale—were they tie-ons, slip-ons, did she go over the car or under? there are too many variables. My daughter was hit in a crosswalk and rolled across the hood of a car. We found her shoes across the street the next day. She’s fine. (She was a minor at the time, going for ice cream, hit by a tourist—they settled on our demand letter. You don’t want to take THAT to a jury.)

      4. Not So NewReader*

        So very sorry. These things are just…. awful.

        For me, the yelling guy would still be traumatizing me.
        Our brains tend to replay and replay things like this, yeah it can keep us up nights. My wise friend said what to do is to repeatedly tell yourself, “It’s over. It’s not happening anymore.”

        Another exercise I like to do is make a list of what I am grateful for. So in this case, I’d say I was grateful for a working cell phone. I was grateful for the person who answered my call and so on. Sort of a leave no stone unturned approach in listing off what went okay here. It’s so easy to take this stuff for granted. This brought me to a point where I marvel at the things that happen, “Yep, terrible thing X happened but someone JUST happened to be there so they helped ( good thing Y) happened.”
        It’s about balance. It’s finding that thing that helps to balance out the awfulness.

        If part of you feels differently about life or driving or anything else, I think that is pretty normal too. I think we are supposed to let stuff like this shape our thinking and choices to some degree.

      5. Been There*

        I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If it helps you to know of a similar accident with a happy ending…My daughter was struck by a car when she was seventeen. She also was thrown quite a distance and broke her femur. She had surgery but was released from the hospital after four days and was back at school a few days after that. Her only lasting effect (17 years later) is some wonkiness in her knees.

        I didn’t witness the accident but it took place near our home so I was on site before the paramedics, and I was traumatized by the experience. A couple of weeks after the accident, when I was still not sleeping and was constantly reliving the experience, I had to talk a police supervisor about the accident. He very kindly asked how I was doing, told me that my reaction was common and understandable, and offered to put me in touch with the police chaplain for counseling. For some reason, just the acknowledgement that my reaction was normal, and the fact that someone cared about my emotional state, was enough for me to start recovering.

        Please be gentle with yourself. Do things you enjoy or that bring you comfort. Find someone to talk to about the accident (even if that someone is a hotline volunteer) if your reaction isn’t subsiding.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          Thank you so much for your kindness. I am glad that your daughter is well now, and I can only imagine how horrible and traumatic that must have been for both of you! I was expecting a call from the police but when I didn’t get one I thought that they must have enough witnesses – I didn’t realise that they might call weeks after. I think I will write down what I remember just in case.
          All best wishes to you.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Writing down what happened is a very smart thing to do.

            Can you reframe this in your head? Something terrible happened, but you were there to call the ambulance – that was an important thing to do, and you did it. The guy who yelled at you was freaked out by the accident and wasn’t thinking clearly. It’s totally reasonable that you felt scared and traumatized – that seems like a normal reaction. The fact that she was conscious is a good sign, I think (I’m no expert).

            You might be able to use google on the street names to find out what happened to the victim, but just remember, whatever happened, you did the right thing by calling for help, and what you did meant that the victim got help sooner than she might have.

      6. Signal*

        My goodness, that’s awful. I’m sorry you witnessed the accident, and I’m sorry the accident happened.

        I think it’s important to keep in mind that you took positive action by calling 911 (not all people would have had the presence of mind), that people say all kinds of stuff after witnessing violence (intentional or not), and that no reasonable person would judge you for what you said after this shocking experience.

        Just in case you you have trouble letting this go in the long term: I highly recommend therapy. A few sessions really helped me process an experience that had haunted me, and because it was a discrete experience, I could process it in 3 sessions rather than 20.

        I wish you the best.

      7. I'm just here for the comments*

        I’m so sorry you had to experience this! I’ll add in to be kind to yourself for your reaction – even the professionals get affected by the calls they do, and they are trained for it (general PSA: please don’t ask emergency responders what was the worst thing they’ve ever seen – the worst is pretty traumatic and it’s not something you want to hear about). If it helps, you can also try reframing it by saying that you were where you needed to be at the time you needed to be there to help the person who needed you. Or to paraphrase the late, great Mr. Rogers, a bad thing happened but you were a helper. I hope you start feeling better.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          a bad thing happened but you were a helper.

          That’s so lovely, thank you! It does help to frame it this way, look at it in a positive light and remember that I helped.

    2. HannahS*

      I’m so sorry, what an awful thing to witness! One tip I got from a friend who’s a social worker after witnessing a stabbing, is that when you repeat to yourself what happened, follow it all the way to the end. So, when you remember what happened, also remember that you called the ambulance, that they came, that you went home and were safe, that you called the hospital, and that she’s stable and in a safe place.

      You did the right thing! I hope you find peace about it.

      2. Blackcat*

        Yes, this is what I was told to do by the therapist I saw twice to process witnessing and providing aid in a similar situation (solo motorcycle accident–it was an older man on a hot day, and he tipped over while going ~40… it was… nasty). I preemptively sought out therapy since I have previously had PTSD, and having it once makes it more likely to have occurrences with additional trauma, even if the trauma is unrelated.

        For me, what I kept ending the story with was the cops telling me I did a good job. Somehow I was the “manager” of the people who stopped to help, doing what I had been taught in first aid courses. “You! [point to person], call 911!” “You! [point to different person] Grab the flares out of my trunk and put them out up the hill.” “You! Give her your belt!” Fortunately an ER nurse was one of the first people who pulled over, and she did all the hands-on stuff. I made sure other people got what she needed/did what she said (and A+ job to the random Costco employee, who came running out with a cart full of stuff after I sent someone in to get stuff–accident was right in front of a Costco of all places).

        Calling 911 was the right thing to do, and it is okay to be upset in the moment. I am good in the moment of an emergency and break down afterwards. It’s neither good nor bad, just the way I’m wired. Hyper focus DO STUFF in the moment, then having all of the “OMG WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!” panic after.

        Also, in that case, I’m pretty sure the guy didn’t make it. It was bad. But I worked to not think about that, instead focusing on the half dozen people who did their best to help him, and that I did what I could.

        1. AnonAcademic*

          My husband was in a similar accident, thankfully with full gear and so he “only” broke 3 bones. I still think about the people who helped him and called 911 and moved his bike to safety. I hope they are ok and know how grateful I am to them. You did good, you made sure he was as well taken care of as the situation allowed. Thank you.

          2. Blackcat*

            On one hand, the experience was really unnerving.
            On the other hand, there was something really reassuring about how many people stopped their lives, ruined their clothes, etc to help a complete stranger. And besides the nurse, we were all just normal people, not off duty emergency responders. Just… people.
            Bad things do happen, but there are good people in the world who will jump in and help.

        2. Princess Deviant*

          Thank you for sharing that. I would say the same to you – you did what you could to help – so that is helpful to frame it in that way for me too, but funnily enough we don’t always speak to ourselves with the same kindness we would use with a friend!

      3. MaggiePi*

        Awesome advice. I’ve done the same talk through to resolution process with kids but of course forget to do it with myself or other adults.

    3. Everdene*

      I was in a similar sounding RTA years ago. There were people like you who stopped to help, call the emergency services, collect my belongings, phone my emergency contact etc. I never had a chance to thank them so instead can I thank you for what you did in a similar situation. The hospital told me a couple of people called to ask after me, but they weren’t allowed to give out details. Knowing that people not only stopped at the time but then thought about me afterwards was genuinely lovely.

      With a different hat on, sometimes witnessing a trauma is far more difficult than being part of it. (For example I can’t remember the point of inpact. Others will) It is ok that it has affected you. If it continues to affect you it’s ok to ask for help. In the UK Victim Support would be happy to talk with you and offer support, is there a similar organisation where you are?

      Again, thank you for stopping and helping take care of that person. Now it’s time to take care of yourself with the same kindness.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you so much, I’m really very touched by what you have said. I’m very buoyed by all the comments here and am going to do my best to frame it for myself, and if I don’t feel better then I am going to seek professional help. Im in the UK and did not even think of Victim Support – I did not know that they could support witnesses too.
        Thank you! All best wishes to you.

  7. CoveredInBees*

    This is a mental health self-help brag. I just need to put it out there somewhere.

    I am putting the full court press on my post-partum depression and anxiety. We ponied up for a sleep coach so I wasn’t waking every 2 hours. Last night, I slept for 9! I also took my first dose of anti-depressant and in 2 weeks, I have my first session with a therapist who takes my insurance, works nearby, AND specializes in post-partum issues. I’ve talked to friends about it who have been very supportive and when my husband suggested I was just tired and didn’t need any other help, I responded with grace and speed.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Why do husbands say things like this, why.
      I think sometimes it’s because they have linked their lives to us and we scare them when stuff comes up.

      I am glad that you are pushing ahead with several things that are supportive. Sleeping at night is a bfd. I am optimistic for you here.

      1. CoveredInBees*

        He grew up in a family that doesn’t do therapy. To them, therapy is fine for “other people”, but not their family. In his family, you ask his dad what to do and that will fix it. If you don’t ask his dad, he’ll probably tell you anyway. I think also he sees it as his own shortcoming that I need therapy and he can’t solve it.

      1. CoveredInBees*

        I responded, “No. It’s more than that. I know I need this help.” and swiftly changed the subject. I asserted my position without giving room for debate.

    3. Ann O.*

      Sleep coaches are amazing! I feel getting a sleep coach saved my sanity (in a literal, non-hyperbolic sense) during the newborn months. Sleeps make such a difference.

    4. It’s all good*

      Excellent thanks for sharing. Proud of you for taking that step. Hope things continue to improve.

  8. Lost in a limbo*

    Somebody on Twitter the other day asked what people had done in 2019 they were proud/excited about and I realised I could not come up with a good answer. My 2019 has been very ‘meh’. Work’s not great, my home life has been challenging (to the extent that we’re talking separation) and I’m just not very happy, or happy at all, really. I’m already seeing a therapist and do sports regularly but I find that the tiniest of situations overwhelm me/make me upset. I’m tired of the situation, and I’m tired of me. It’s clearly not sustainable so what to do? Any good tips/ideas?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. If work isn’t great and home life isn’t great, of course you’re feeling overwhelmed and upset. You’re already working on the big picture. In terms of just addressing that feeling of exhaustion and despair, what’s worked for me as a band-aid kind of thing is finding ONE thing that sparks joy that I can do/look forward to each day. And if joy is too strong a word, then it’s okay if it merely sparks interest or momentary uplift. It could be a hot bath, a food treat, a special book, a phone call to someone supportive, whatever. But the key thing is to talk it up to yourself. Really tell yourself how much you are looking forward to being able to have that one treat later in the day.

      If you can do the same thing with a bigger treat once a week, that’s even better. Brunch out, alone or with a friend. A movie, a museum, a yoga class. I’m not super religious, but sometimes I look forward to just sitting quietly in a place of worship that is familiar and comfortable to me.

      None of this is addressing the larger issues, obviously. It’s just a way to make the days feel less grey.

      1. Lost in a limbo*

        Thanks! That’s really good (and manageable) advice. I’m not good at ‘treating’ myself like that but I’ll try to find some small things to do that make me feel better.

    2. Dan*

      Your 2019 was my 2013. June of that year I separated from my ex, and October of that year I got laid off. Thankfully, payments to the ex were all one-time things, not an ongoing headache. I was only out of a job for two months, and I’m now making pretty much twice what I was making when I was laid off. The bottom sucked, but the rebound has been great.

      I tend to be in the minority on this one, but my honest opinion about the home life is that if you want out and have the means to do it, then bite the bullet. I’m far happier single than I was in a miserable marriage.

      1. Lost in a limbo*

        That sounds like a tough year! I actually agree with you on the marriage, it’s just damn difficult to do when it comes to it – and we also have kids which complicates things. Still, I’m increasingly aware this is MY life too so something does need to change.

    3. MonkeyInTheMiddle*

      This is similar to my year. I hope 2020 is better for you. For me, I see more of trying to figure things out. Not quite sure how it’s going to shake out yet. It is harder with kids in the mix, but I know kids are too perceptive. Working on trying to see a counselor to figure out me.

      1. Lost in a limbo*

        Yes they are! My kids (who are quite young) definitely know all is not well. I hope things work out for you too.

  9. Loose Seal*

    My husband and I are discussing hosting a foreign exchange student. I’d love to hear any information anyone has about this experience, good or bad, whether you were a host or a student, or knew someone who was. Thanks.

    1. Texan In Exile*

      My aunt and uncle hosted three or four foreign exchange students over the years while their kids were still at home. They live in a small town in northern Wisconsin – no stop lights, even – and had students from Sweden and Brazil. (I can’t remember the others.)

      It was great for them. They have stayed in touch with their students and have been to visit them. I think my grandmother (who lived in the same town) even wrote letters to the students after they left. I think they went to the Swedish student’s wedding. The Brazilian has become an international hotel manager and works in places like Hong Kong, so they visited him there! And he came here last summer with his wife and daughter so they could see where he spent a year. (Once you become part of my family, you don’t get out. :) )

      My uncle is a super quiet guy, but my aunt is a total extrovert and loves having people around and loves doing stuff. She is warm and welcoming and I am sure she did everything she could to make the students feel comfortable and to adjust to their new environment. And my cousins are great, too, so that was a big part of it.

    2. Anonymato*

      It’s a great adventure! My family hosted an exchange student with AFS when I was a teen, then I went to another country as an exchange student with them, and then I volunteered for them, so I got to see things from all sides. AFS has really good support whenever needed, and people are doing it for the learning, not for money, so I like that. And if there are any major issues or it’s just not a good match you get help. BTW, all kinds of families are welcome to host (you don’t have to have kids or be married or anything like that).

      It was so much fun to host. I am still in touch with my host brother (the student who stayed with us) 30 years ago, as well as with my host family I stayed with. It was truly great experience to be a host family and to be an exchange student with a welcoming family. It helped me understand the world and myself.

    3. Anni*

      I was an exchange student in the US 20 years ago. The family I stayed with were nice enough, but I’m not sure they were really prepared for en exchange student. The parents worked quite a lot and the daughter wasn’t too happy I was there since she’d wanted her senior year to be hers, and not involve an awkward girl from Europe. I was invited to join the basketball team and a ski club, but the parents didn’t want me to join since they didn’t have time to take me anywhere. The daughter would rather I not join her and her friends in anything. I ended up feeling quite isolated as I was on the shy side, was thrown into a quite different culture, and not sure how to make friends when I couldn’t join any activities and didn’t have anyone to introduce me to anyone/anything.

      If you are serious about hosting an exchange student, make sure you have time to help them get acclimated, take them to activites, maybe introduce them to people if you’re active in your community? It’s not easy to come live with strangers in a country you don’t know, especially if you’re on the shy side. Of course it’s also up to the exchange student, but you as the host family have a lot of influence when it comes to how the experience ends up being. Maybe take a few vacation days to show them around town so they can get somewhat familiar with where things are located in your community? The advantage of now versus 20 years ago is that with skype etc it should be fairly easy for you to get to know each other a bit in advance. I hope you have a great experience if you end up hosting. :)

      1. irene adler*

        Good point.
        I was a member of AFS in high school. One exchange student had to move to another host residence early on. Apparently the first family she stayed with had a lot of drama going on. Not sure of the specifics (spouse cheating? money issues?). It might just have been the dynamics of the family didn’t mesh with the exchange student. Made it very awkward.
        So there was a second family lined up. This worked much better.

        1. Totally anonymous*

          I wish I’d known that was an option. My host family had so little in common with me that they *invited someone else* to stay with them too.
          I wasn’t through that organization.

    4. Etudiante d’échange*

      I was an exchange student and volunteered with YFU, a non-profit organizing high school exchange years all over the world so I’m happy to share my experience. Also, feel free to ask anything.
      Right now I can’t write more because an exchange student friend is visiting (I used to mentor her when she was in my country on her exchange 11 years ago) and we have a lot of catching up to do but I’ll try to be back tomorrow.
      Can I ask what your motivation and expectations are? It’s easier to give advice based on that.

      1. Loose Seal*

        Motivation: We eventually want to be foster parents for children in CPS’ custody but we have never been parents. So we thought if we hosted exchange students for a bit, it would give us an idea if we could adapt to having a kid in the house. The thought being that the exchange student would theoretically have some choice about leaving us if we turn out to be terrible at this. Neither of us have ever been in a situation where anyone in our families hosted students, although I was quite good friends with the exchange students who were at my high school back in the day.

        Expectations: I haven’t even begun to develop an idea around expectations other than, since we would be very new at this, that we would have loads of support from the company that places the students.

        Thanks for your thoughts on this.

        1. Etudiante d'échange*

          I hope you will still see this.
          I have to admit that most of my knowledge on fostering children is limited but I know that it is a very different experience for both the foster parents and the kids than an exchange year. I wouldn’t want to compare them as they have some fundamental differences but it is true that there are skills from being a host family that translate well into being a foster family: eg. communication, patience, ability to look at oneself from an outsider’s perspective, managing expectations – these are all skills that you will learn from this experience and will be useful in other situations. And yes, you might find out that you get on well with teenagers.
          If you are willing to open your home and your heart to a young foreigner who might have very different values, opinions and interests than you and want to learn from them and teach them, I think you are good to go, and with some patience and empathy (and a lot of self-awareness) you can make a wonderful host family. It is important not to approach this experience with only fostering in mind but to be open to the specificities of this very experience (some challenges are similar but the exchange students come with different goals and expectations, eg. learning a new language, having an American high school experience *as seen on TV* or something completely different).
          It’s great actually that you don’t have expectations developed! Of course learning about a new culture and developing a new relationship where the student becomes a family member are valid ones but the less you have a very clear picture of how the exchange year should go, the more you’ll enjoy it, even if it isn’t a typical exchange year.
          As you’re saying, a good organization does support you closely throughout the exchange year (and before and after). I was an exchange student with YFU but I know that AFS also has an amazing support network in the US. Both are based on volunteers and have wonderful communities around the world so I suggest to check first which one is available in your area.
          This answer is a bit all over the place but in I hope it gave you someinsight into what to consider. You still have plenty of time to apply for hosting (student arrive in August usually) but it is a great time to start contacting organizations.
          Good luck with this decision!

    5. LilySparrow*

      A friend of mine from (formerly East) Germany first came to the US as an exchange student on a special program in the late 1980s, just before the Berlin Wall fell.

      They have stayed close all this time, and a couple of years ago her host “dad” officiated her wedding! This was particularly significant, as her own dad is a pastor, and they flew to the States just to get married by host dad. It’s a lovely relationship betweem the two families.

    6. TCO*

      We (married couple in our 30s, no kids) are currently hosting our third exchange student from our third continent. Each one has been a different adventure. It’s fun to learn more about different cultures in a different way than you get through traveling.

      I’d recommend finding a host agency that you can feel really comfortable with. An agency that’s helpful and supportive has made all the difference. The first one we hosted through wasn’t good; our counselor was terrible and really disorganized. Now we host through Rotary and the support system for both students and families is so much bigger.

      Some programs offer short-term hosting for as little as a few weeks, which could be a good way to try it out! For us, the biggest adjustment has been helping our students stay busy and build a social life here. Because we don’t have kids of our own, we don’t have as many activities/friendships that we can just naturally include a student in (though we certainly have some). Many students need time to figure out American friendships (like how do you ask a friend to hang out after school, and what do you do together?) so they might need more social support than some non-exchange kids do.

      I recommend against hosting if you live in a really isolated area/lifestyle. Students are here to explore, be involved in school activities, etc. and they need access to those things. Be prepared to give rides, offer activities, etc. If you live in an area where the student can’t walk/bus/bike around the neighborhood and you like to spend every evening quietly at home, your lifestyle might not be a good fit for hosting. We’ve known student living in rural areas whose families are not active or involved in the community and the students end up bored.

      1. Anonymato*

        I disagree a bit with that, because just hanging with their host family and doing puzzles (or whatever) might be perfect for SOME students.

      2. Loose Seal*

        We live in a university town (So lots of young people) and are only a mile from the bus stop. We would, of course, get the student a bus pass and teach them how the bus system works. Since I don’t have kids, I don’t know what activities there are at the school or if the school is used to having exchange students. If we do decide to move forward with this, I plan to try to have a meeting with the principal or a counselor at the high school prior to hosting and see if I can get an idea of what school life is like in this area.

        I do know that there are teen events at the library and there are all sorts of street events — music mostly but other things as well — all year so I think there would be a lot to do that doesn’t cost much where my student and their school friends could hang out.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Similarly, I’d be curious to hear about it specifically from the perspective of having a host family who (a) is non-traditional (my household is three adults, and while we’re not a poly group, we are frequently mistaken for one) and/or (b) doesn’t have any kids or local friends with kids.

      1. Etudiante d'échange*

        I have a friend who stayed with a single dad with university-aged kids living far away and only visiting for the holidays and it worked out wonderfully. Host family doesn’t mean mom and dad and children (at least with the orgs I know) but this might depend on the local rep who is screening.
        Back when I was in high school one of the bigger orgs was looking for families with 2 parents and more children with some BS arguments about ensuring a full experience. So you can get a sense of what they are open to just by reading their recruitment materials.
        I can imagine that certain sending countries aren’t that receptive to non-traditional families but the org I worked at was very clear on having to accept the norms of the host country.

    8. Lore*

      My parents did it for years, but they mostly had older students—either post-college (20s) doing a business English immersion at a local university, or 19-20 years old doing the immersion to prepare for university in the US. They were closer to some than others, but generally had wonderful experiences. They went to Switzerland for the wedding of one; another still stops by whenever she’s in the US for work; others call randomly. (They stopped doing it right around the time international texting/phone calls became an affordable thing so they’d perhaps be in even better touch.)

      1. Loose Seal*

        This is interesting as my husband has wondered if we could start with an older student. (We are both a bit worried about screwing up a kid’s life, probably like most new “parents”.)

    9. Jackalope*

      I was an exchange student with AFS and my family hosted a few students. I highly recommend it. Most of the people I know had good experiences with it. I’d say make sure you’re able to be flexible (all of our students were very different from each other) and make the students feel welcome. Also, be ready for someone to be in your family business all the time in a way they wouldn’t if they were only there for a week or two. (This wasn’t a bad thing but it’s a thing). When I did it back in the day my high school guidance counselor said that the best organizations he knew for providing support and actually screening prospective families, etc., were AFS and Rotary. I personally liked the AFS model better because they had more of a living in the community model (staying with one family the whole year, being a normal high school student, etc.), whereas Rotary did more of a traveling thing where you stayed with 3-4 different families over the year, traveled around the country while skipping school, etc. I’m not sure if they have remained the same since that was back in the 90s but that would be something to check out as well.

      1. Jackalope*

        Also, I’m still in touch with my host family and have visited them an average of every three years since then. So for me it was very worth it!

      2. TCO*

        We currently host through Rotary, and the students in our area stay with 3 different host families over 10-11 months–but all within the same school attendance area. So while the host families change, students have a stable school life. And the students and host families end up with a really nice support system in their community because so many people are involved in the student’s life. We’ve met great folks and become friendly with the Rotary members and other host families in our neighborhood, which feels like a bonus to us. And the students more easily get a diversity of experiences without looking to one host family to be/do everything the student wants to experience in America.

    10. The Doctor is In*

      My brother and his family have hosted several students over the years and had a good experience EXCEPT for a student from South Korea who was only 16 and spoke very little English. He wanted to spend all his free time Internet chatting with friends back home, and struggled in school. They had great experiences with other students from Russia and Germany and still keep in touch.

      My husband’s coworker and her family hosted a student from Germany last year. They live in a small town/rural area but are involved in a lot of things and took her on a lot of trips.

    11. quikaa*

      Recommend AFS. I have gone abroad as a high schooler and hosted as a high schooler and again when my kids were in high school (as a single mom) with AFS and am currently a volunteer. I like that it is a volunteer-centric organization so you have people doing it because they like the students and the experiences rather than the money. There is paid staff to handle unusual problems (like if a student gets in a car accident as a passenger- no driving, drugs allowed). We provide orientations and monthly support check-ins for families and our students with at least 5 orientations sessions so we can make sure the students are on-track.
      It is some work, especially in the beginning and you want all family members to be on board. Some families really bond with the students (A student we hosted in early 2000’s just came to visit with spouse) and others not as much. However, I have a friend who is a foster mom and that is a completely different experience.

    12. Clarissa*

      I am a retired high school teacher. When I taught there was an exchange student in my class. All sorts of problems arose with the host family because the student got caught smoking pot and drinking several times. I was in a conference with the student’s other teachers and the host family. The host mother was in tears. The exchange student went home.
      Also when I was in high school myself I knew an exchange student who was very into drugs. He never got caught though.

      1. Etudiante d'échange*

        While this can happen, I’d like to mention that this is the exception and not the rule. Also, all responsible organizations have clear rules (eg. the 3Ds: no drinking, no driving, no drugs) and send students home after one incident involving drugs or breaking the law.

  10. Dr. KMnO4*

    My dad and I saw Jumanji: The Next Level last night. It wasn’t as good as Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, but it was still a good movie. If you liked the previous one you will probably like this one.

        1. Kuododi*

          If you thought that was funny…you ought to hear Daniel Craig playing the incarcerated demolition expert family member in “Logan Lucky.”. Hearing his version of a “redneck accent” and seeing his multiple tattoos and the out of control hair was worth the price of admission. Hysterical!!!

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I just recommended this above. I totally adored it–and him. Everyone in it was outstanding.

    2. Other Meredith*

      I finally went to see Frozen 2 yesterday. I thought it was great. I’m looking forward to Jumanji, but in a free when checked out from the library kind of way.

  11. Ra94*

    Cooking thread! Mainly an excuse for me to brag about my first totally from-scratch lasagna yesterday, including the pasta sheets. It took a good 4 hours of hands-on time and was worth every minute!

    Being Russian, we’re also already prepping and planning for New Year’s dinner- herring in a fur coat is our family favourite. (Layers of salted herring, potato, hard boiled egg, beets, carrots, and onion, dressed with mayo and served as a cold starter).

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      The lasagna sounds delicious – congratulations!

      Great name for the herring dish. Which part of it is considered to be the ‘fur coat’?

      1. Ra94*

        All of the veg around the herring is the ‘fur’, keeping it snug and warm! (A lot of Russian winter traditions are, unsurprisingly, about keeping warm at any cost.)

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The sous-vide has been a great discovery. It turned a bottom round into something tender enough to serve fussy guests. And a supermarket pork tenderloin comes out like a fine ham…just lower salt. If there are leftoversome from tonight’s, I’ll be trying some in a quiche.

      1. Ra94*

        Ooh, sous vide has long been on the list of kitchen gadgets I want but can’t justify yet. Have you found it useful for non-meat dishes, too? I’m trying to eat less meat lately, and I’m not sure getting a device that produces incredible steaks or ham will aid me in that goal.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          It made exquisite squid for Thai-style squid salad. No worry about 10 seconds taking your dinner from undercooked to rubber.
          I haven’t tried anything vegetable.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      I’ve got lasagna on the menu today – it’s chilly and raining, we’ve finished the turkey leftovers, and we spent yesterday helping friends with a move, so a relaxed day of cooking and nice smells is on the menu.

      New Year’s is up to my husband – we get the traditional Japanese food for the holiday.

  12. Laura H.*

    Ugh. Mountain Cedar reared it’s ugly grad and I’m not happy.

    On the plus side, my gifts to others were well-recieved, and I like the ones I got. I think my favorite one I gifted was the Make Your Own Hotsauce kit I got for my brother. My favorite gift I got is a nice set of pajamas where the pants actually fit my legs. (I’m petite so that’s a rarity- I’m gonna probably buy myself another set of em if mom can hunt down the link.)

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I didn’t realize it’s a midwinter pollen–nor did I realize it’s really a juniper. I’m allergic to juniper, so I guess I’ll have to be careful when I travel south!

  13. TiredMom*

    I hope everyone is having a great “in between” weekend! Mine started with parenting woes. How could I have handled this differently? Daughter (21) had a “movie date” last night —she and her long distance girlfriend watch a movie “together.” Our family is Jewish, and our tradition is not to watch television on Shabbat, but she keeps her door closed so we let her do it. At 11 o’clock we were in bed; I heard in the movie where a woman was crying out “please no.” It happened twice at length. After texting her, waiting, and texting again, I opened her door, found her asleep, woke her up, and asked her to turn off the TV. This escalated immediately into a screamfest ( from her) after I said I wouldn’t leave until the TV was off. I apparently ruined her date, and after I left she threw things, broke her drinking glass, and spent the evening in her car. She is still there, but luckily It’s warm out. what should I have done in the moment? Yes, she is in therapy, but hasn’t had any sort of blowup in many months.
    Tl; dr- adult tantrums – what to do?

    1. Laura H.*

      I don’t have any advice on the tantrum, but was this letting her do the movie night on Shabbat a one-time/ not often because usually at school so no issue kind of thing, or is it a regular occurrence?

      If it wasn’t a common thing, I think you should in the future establish rules for this- convey that it’s a privilege, not a right and that if you can hear the tv through said closed door then it’s too loud.

      I’m the late one of my family and I may not go to sleep, but usually am in my room by a certain hour and stay there till morning. I also use devices with headphone capabilities too. My folks never (or rarely) had to enforce this but I’m always open to a nudge that I may be too noisy.

      If this movie night is a regular thing, set the ground rules or review them- and treat her like an adult but still remind her that she is under your authority and needs to respect that position.

      1. Human Embodiment of the 100 Emoji*

        If they’re Shabbat observant, I’m pretty sure pressing any kind of button that turns on/off electricity is forbidden (I’m Jewish but not Shabbat observant, so there may be more nuance to this aspect of it, idk).

          1. moql*

            What counts as working on shabbat can be very complicated, carried, and un-intuitive. Don’t make assumptions about texting vs buttons on a TV unless you know their rabbi and family.

        2. TiredMom*

          We are Jewish and our observance is sort of flex-Conservative. We always eat Shabbat dinner together, and the TV isn’t on downstairs over Shabbat. We go to Saturday services and don’t work or shop. Daughter does though. She got the Tv about 6 months ago and yes we should have gone over rules.

    3. LilySparrow*

      How did you ruin her date if she was asleep?

      I’m not sure if Shabbat rules allow switching things off, but as myself I probably would have just switched it off instead of waking her, and then addressed it in the morning.

      If that’s not feasible, the other thing I might suggest would be to focus on impact rather than compliance. It seems like insisting on compliance escalated the conflict beyond what was necessary.

      The TV being on wasn’t really the problem, since you’d already agreed to have it on. The volume was the problem, because you could hear it in your bedroom.

      So if adjusting the set yourself is not allowed and you have to wake her to do it, then I’d focus on just getting her to turn it down so you can’t hear it in your room, or wear headphones if possible. She’s 21 and has to make her own choices about matters of religion and conscience, but she doesn’t have the right to disrupt yours in your own home. “It’s too loud, please turn it down” is a totally reasonable request that should be no big deal.

      As an adult offspring, these are the shifts that are so tricky – away from authority/parenting, and toward a relationship based on mutual consideration and affection. It’s tricky for everyone.

      However – it sounds like she’s on a hair trigger and not really responding rationally. It’s possible that there was no “right way” to address this that wouldn’t have set her off.

      1. TiredMom*

        I like the headphones idea, thanks! Apparently I ruined the date because her girlfriend hung up her phone when she saw/heard me come into the room.

    4. matcha123*

      I can’t comment on the religious aspect, but I assume you are all living in the US. If you haven’t already talked about each of your roles, then it might be time to talk about them. Since you are following strict? religious practices, you and your daughter should talk about how to respect each other during celebrations. It is your house and you have your rules, but using this incident as an example, say if she’s going to have the TV on the volume needs to be low or she needs to use headphones.
      From the little that’s here, it looks like you guys need to adjust how you see each others’ roles.
      When it comes to tantrums, she’s 21 and living in your house. She shouldn’t be allowed to throw or break things, even if they are how own things. If she wants to do that, she can move out into her own place and pay her own bills.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. She’s an adult so it’s her choices all along the way here whether to practice the faith or not. However, she can turn the tv down.
        I’m not a parent but I am someone’s (adult) kid. From this perspective I can say ultimatums never go well. If you have reached a point of issuing ultimatums the situation was out-of-hand for a bit. I am not clear on if the tv ever got turned off and who turned it off. I am guessing you had to turn it off after she stormed out of the house? This is the problem with ultimatums, we can really get painted into a corner. Try to avoid them entirely.

        But overall, this was way too much reaction to a tv that she wasn’t even looking at. This is your house and your rules. She does not have to believe in the rules, she just has to abide by them. Or, you know, get her own place.
        The rules should be consistent. She should be told about any new rule BEFORE she breaks it. Otherwise it sounds like you are making up rules as you go along.
        I would not worry too much about her being in her car, she put herself there. I’d leave her there. But I think the fact that she got pretty ragey and she spent time in her car probably points toward counseling for you and her together.

        1. TiredMom*

          Thanks NSNR- I was also tired and it’s hard to stay away from ultimatums while also feeling like you aren’t giving in. And all this was after a nice Shabbat dinner , menorah lighting, and present exchange too.

      2. TiredMom*

        Some nice framing here – thanks matcha. Ideally we’d like her to move out soon, but now that there’s a long distance girlfriend there’s lots in play with her current job vs moving to be w girlfriend.

    5. Nom de Plume*

      I have a lot of questions. Like does she have any diagnoses? Does she live in your home full time, or was she visiting for the holidays? (You obviously don’t have to answer them here, but I think the answers are relevant to how to handle these situations moving forward) I think the situations of being back home as a young adult versus living at home with your parents full time as a young adult have their own challenges and are difficult for all to navigate.

      I guess in the moment one thing you could have done differently was not to wake her up and turned the tv off yourself. Then talk about it the next morning. I know from personal experience that being awakened unexpectedly is disorienting at best. I can see how someone who has mental health issues may not react in the most constructive way in that situation. Either way, it sounds like a really tough situation.

      1. TiredMom*

        Thanks NdP – yes, I was posting to hear suggestions about the smaller situation rather than big picture. I didn’t see the remote because her light was off, and should have taken into account the grouchy wake up.

    6. Courageous cat*

      I don’t know honestly, either something is missing here or your daughter might need more help than we would be equipped to advise on – if you didn’t do anything past simply asking her to turn off the tv, then her reaction is outsized in a pretty significant way. Maybe she doesn’t mesh with her therapist or medication or something.

    7. Not A Manager*

      “After texting her, waiting, and texting again, I opened her door, found her asleep, woke her up, and asked her to turn off the TV. This escalated immediately into a screamfest ( from her) after I said I wouldn’t leave until the TV was off.”

      Okay, so. If you were texting on Shabbat, then you were able to turn off the TV on Shabbat. (I think one is allowed to turn OFF a device anyway, but even if that’s not the case, it sounds like you’re not strictly shomer shabbas anyway.) So you could have avoided all of this by turning off the TV instead of waking your daughter. The fact that you woke her suggests that there’s some history here – maybe of her being inconsiderate, or pushing boundaries, or being VERY upset at you touching her stuff or interfering in her experience. But there was no need to wake her, and the fact that you did was an escalation in itself.

      Second, you said you wouldn’t leave until the TV was off. That’s super confrontational and controlling. Maybe that’s warranted, but that’s more of how you deal with a young child than an adult of 21. If an adult won’t do what you tell them to, you can do it yourself (turn the TV off), you can postpone a conversation for another time (“if you won’t turn the TV off, then we’ll need to have different expectations on Shabbat in the future. I’m going back to bed now”), you can capitulate (“that’s extremely inconsiderate and I’m shocked that you’re willing to keep the entire household awake”), but staging a sit-in is a really poor choice.

      It’s great that your daughter is getting assistance. I think you should have assistance also. You need someone to talk to about your own feelings about your challenging daughter and her condition.

      And where is your spouse or co-parent in all of this?

      1. TiredMom*

        Some good language here, NaM- thank you! Spouse was trying to stay out of it as we’ve experienced that 2 on 1 doesn’t work well for our family. And I’ll be seeing my therapist next week- just was interested in throwing this out to the commentariat as there are some good insightful posters here on the weekend.

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          Would you be open on these “break Shabbat nights, if you could arrange for a hotel room? Prepay it and maybe have the friend share the room?

          It’s uncomfortable for you to have rules like all the rules for Shabbat, and someone in the house goes *meh*. You shouldn’t be fighting her like a 12 year old. She’s a grown women.

          I have an Orthodox friend, and her son became less observant. Girlfriends could not spend the night AT ALL. Didn’t matter that they shared an apartment blah blah blah. Hotel room for one, both or you both had to leave. Want to watch the Tee Vee after dinner, you go to the hotel for that. You don’t wreck Shabbat for everyone else.

          I don’t know how observant you are. Are there Shabbat hotels/motels that aren’t an arm and a leg where you live? You could prearranged so no money/CC are being carried. Then it’s out of sight out of mind.
          Your daughter can have her own level of “observant”, and you not get an ulcer in the process.

          You DD has no right to break your stuff. That’s nonsense, but you are seeing a therapist, so hash it out with them.

      2. TiredMom*

        NaM – thanks for your answer. Actually this is me after therapist- because of holidays I’ll be back w therapist early Jan. But I posted because I’ve often read weekend posts and admire the collective insight. Spouse was in bed b/c parental 2 on 1 doesn’t go over well. I like your capitulation language, and I didn’t see the remote as the lights were off.

      3. Observer*

        You’re technically right, but aside from TM not seeing the remote, it’s reasonable for them to draw a line, whatever it is, and stick to it.

        It’s not like what TM was asking her daughter to do was unreasonable or difficult. Then it would be reasonable to expect them to reassess their consistency with practice. Here? Not so much.

    8. Jdc*

      She’s 21 and you’re telling her you won’t leave her alone until she turns the tv off?? Her reaction was too far but I don’t understand why you treated her like a toddler to begin with.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The TV was at a volume that was disturbing their sleep, the daughter wasn’t even watching it, and if mom is observant orthodox, she can’t work the TV controls without breaking her rules for herself.

        2. Not A Manager*

          The mother was able to text her daughter on Shabbat, so she was able to turn off the TV on Shabbat. Waking her and refusing to leave was a choice.

        3. TiredMom*

          SSC – it wasn’t exactly the noise but it was the disturbing content on the TV that was upsetting me the most – so I wanted to stop that as soon as possible. Even though I myself wouldn’t turn the TV on during Shabbat to watch it, I wouldn’t mind turning it off.

      2. LilySparrow*

        I’m not going to judge on that because if your young adult child has a history of physically lashing out over minor aggravations, you probably can’t trust them to leave it turned off. It’s easy to get stuck in a pattern of treating someone like a toddler if they never progress past toddler behavior.

        Adults who throw things and break property when angry are on a path to committing physical abuse – being a woman doesn’t change that.

        Perhaps spending the night in the car was a good choice for the daughter to moderate herself and prevent direct violence.

        1. Ra94*

          If someone has a history of physically lashing out, I think escalating the situation by a) waking them up just to argue, and b) refusing to leave their space is an even more unwise idea.

          1. LilySparrow*

            I don’t disagree, but that’s a different dynamic than “treating them like a toddler.”

            It’s very, very difficult to come to terms with the idea that the person you love may be seriously unwell.

    9. Thankful for AAM*

      If she is in therapy, it might help the rest of you to check out NAMI, the National alliance for mental illness. It can be very helpful for you in learning how and what limits to set.

      As the others said, it does seem odd that you said you would not leave until she turned it off. It is your home, you can set limits like “11pm is too late at night for you to hear the TV.” And you can do that in a way that is not treating her like a very young child – though she should not be having temper tantrums.

      Parenting an adult with mental health issues is hard, I have one and I wish you tje best!

    10. Dan*

      I don’t understand the religious aspects of this, but I agree with Courageous Cat… this reads to me as a “seek professional guidance” situation that is beyond the help that compassionate strangers on the internet can realistically offer.

    11. Ezera*

      Living at home as an adult is hard, because you’re in this weird limbo of not being a child, but still in that role.

      It sounds like both of you had missteps. You were pretty confrontational, with refusing to leave until it was off (which …I’m sure there’s previous history about why, but just from an outsider’s perspective, that’s how it comes across). She also had an outsider reaction, with the throwing/breaking things and storming out.

      I second the idea of therapy for you as well if it’s possible.

      And could you work on a transition for her to move out? Something with deadlines, so she’s not caught off guard? That would probably fix a lot of these interactions, unless there’s some obvious reason why she’s not able to leave. 21 is young, but a lot of people live on their own at that age.

      1. TiredMom*

        Thanks Ezera – I only lived at home as an adult for a few months and that was many years ago. This is me with therapy so I’m sure it could be worse. Ideally we’d like her to move out soon, but now that there’s a long distance girlfriend there’s lots in play with her current job vs moving to be w girlfriend.

    12. Anono-me*

      Probably being tired, with the extra stress of the holiday and the new girlfriend visiting didn’t help either of you.

      I’m a big believer in smarter living through technology. Can you address the volume issue sometime when you are all calm? Many new TVs have a sound governer feature that let’s you program the maximum volume the tv will play. Most TVs have a few control buttons on the side, so you may want to see of you can locate those in a non stressful moment. You may also want to check to see if the tv has a remote control ap that can be added to your smart phone. (I’m not sure how this fits in with Shabbat, but at least it migh help the rest of the week.)

  14. Anonadog*

    After staying in three different housing situations while visiting my family, it’s become clear to me that my back hurts when sleeping in any bed other than ours at home.

    Our bed at home has a memory foam topper. I’ve seen some “travel” toppers but am not sure they’d cut it or if they’re actually realistic to travel with. Anyone have one of these? Does it work?

    Anyone else have an impossible time sleeping when not at home?

    1. anon24*

      I can’t sleep away from home but it’s more of a familiarity thing than a comfort thing. I’ve learned that if I’m traveling by car I bring a blanket from my bed and sleep with that and it seems to help. If I’m flying I make room for a hoodie in my bag and either use that as my pillow or put it over my pillow . The familiar smell next to my face helps me sleep

    2. Diahann Carroll*

      I can sleep when I’m away from home, but it’s usually not restful. Hotels are just too sterile and unfamiliar for me to get fully comfortable no matter how nice they happen to be.

    3. Reba*

      Yeah, it’s hard for different reasons at our two families’ places. Some things we are able to mitigate, some just have to accept.

      Rather than a travel thing, could you invest (or ask family to share cost) for a topper that stays there? Even an inexpensive one might be better than what they’ve got now.

      I have done this, plus got new pillows for my parents’ house. At my inlaws we just complain afterwards :)

    4. Arts Akimbo*

      I consistently find that if I have earplugs and a night mask or even a dark shirt with which to cover my eyes, I can sleep anywhere, through anything. The sensory deprivation just kind of shuts my brain off. If I don’t have these things, the strange sounds and light patterns of a new place to sleep will keep me watchful and uncomfortably awake.

      Travel toppers are in the you-get-what-you-pay-for category. The expensive ones pack down very small, and are light, comfy, and convenient. The cheaper ones are harder to sleep on, weigh more, and are bulkier. That’s how it seems to me, anyway.

  15. Trixie*

    I paid off my car and am officially out of debt for 2020. Even better, I have an emergency/moving fund ready to go.

    I am renter who loves the idea of owning a home for the fun parts. But, between housing market, single income, and I’m not in love with my current state of residence, it’s hard to get excited about making it happen. It’s not out of the question but I also know I need to focus on retirement savings.

    For those who have had substantial consumer debt, how difficult is it to settle and does is impact one’s credit history? I’ve spent a lot of time watching “debt free” journeys on YouTube and Instagram. So many have no extra money to throw at debt and barely keep up with the minimum payments. Maybe if they knew they could ask about settling, they would have a path forward.

    1. WellRed*

      The thing with settling debt is, you have to have the money to pay the settlement in full. So, if you are barely making minimum payments, a settlement isn’t an option. I had a family loan to do it and had a lawyer do the settlement part (a couple of different cards he negotiated on).

      1. Trixie*

        Sounds like I have the wrong wording then. I was thinking folks could “settle” on a final debt amount and make payments on that amount without additional interest accruing. (Separate altogether from declaring bankruptcy.)

        1. Jdc*

          We settled and made payments. You do have to be prepared to pay something on the spot but we have lowered our debt, payments and or interest rates just by asking. Only upped our credit scores.

          1. Wishing You Well*

            Just a reminder for interested people: always get the settlement IN WRITING before you hand over any money. And never give the creditor your account information; some will empty your entire account regardless of the deal you made. So sayeth Dave Ramsey.
            My very best wishes to everyone for a better 2020!

    2. Chaordic One*

      I wouldn’t give up on the idea of home ownership. Look into first time home ownership programs that might be able to help you with a down payment, or a low-interest mortgage, or even just to help walk you through the application process. I currently live in an area where both rents and housing prices seem to be rising in tandem and the cost of a monthly mortgage payment is the same as rent. I’m hoping to buy a house in the next year or so.

      1. Stephanie*

        Admittedly, I live in Detroit, so there are probably more programs pushing home ownership than elsewhere, but seconding this. There are plenty of programs for first-time homebuyers.

        That being said…I wouldn’t rush into home ownership if you don’t feel ready or aren’t in love with the area. Unless you’re in a really hot market, selling a house is more work than breaking or ending a lease and the break-even (such that it’s cheaper than renting) may take a couple of years. Plus, you need to be mentally ready for dealing with maintenance issues.

        1. Trixie*

          This. I’m not in love with the area but here for family. Maintenance issues are the other enormous concern on a single income. Most places I imagine I could afford would probably not be a in a hot market and would be hard to unload without a loss. While not making a profit, I appreciate the flexibility of renting.

    3. Dan*

      I think one has to be very careful settling debts. If you can negotiate a reduced balance (and definitely a lower interest rate) with the original lender, you should be fine. That’s not a given though, because many places may not negotiate settlements on accounts that are in good standing.

      If you’re negotiating with a debt collector after the debt has already been written off, the damage has already been done, so negotiate away.

      What you absolutely don’t want to do is engage a third-party service. Those guys are shady, and often will tell you to pay them as a middle man. Except they sit on your payments so you get behind, they bank the payments, negotiate a settlement, and make a lump sum payment on your behalf. Except they were wrecking your credit in the mean time, because the original lender was not getting paid for several months.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My friend called up a card company and hammered out an agreement for paying off the debt. One part of that agreement was cutting up the card. She could not add any further purchases to that particular card. Fortunately, she had other cards. I don’t think the spending levels slowed down. But because no new interest was accruing she as eventually able to pay it off.
      The path forward has multiple steps. One of those steps is to break the habits that caused the problem to begin with. My friend is comfy in life, not rich but the bills are paid each month. She still has numerous cards with various amounts. That would keep me awake at night but I guess it does not bother others?

      1. Meepmeep*

        It totally is about habits. We are in debt repayment mode on Wife’s student loans and credit card debt (she came into the marriage with both – I was debt free). She makes good money. But somehow, whenever she ran up a debt, she ignored it – she felt no pressure to pay it off. She made minimum payments and considered herself “financially responsible”. She didn’t even know how much she owed.

        It took a couple of years to truly rework her financial habits. Now the debt is melting away. We didn’t even investigate settling it or doing anything like that – I wanted her to just stop ignoring it and start actually paying it off. Also, we didn’t want to take the hit to our credit rating, since we want to buy a house after the student loans are gone.

      2. Annonno Today*

        People’s relationship with money/spending can be very fraught. Hard to say what might bother one person and not the next.

    5. Graciosa*

      When tax time comes around, remember that forgiveness of debt can be treated as income for U.S. income tax purposes – make sure you mention it to your tax advisor so you get proper treatment of it in your annual return.

  16. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Yesterday YouTube recommended the Russian Figure Skating Championship and I’m hooked. I can’t pick a favorite, they’re all wonderful and talented. Today I’m watching the second part.

    1. Also a fan*

      Aren’t they wonderful???
      US Nationals are coming up in January. Europeans soon after, Worlds are in March, I think (& in Montreal this year.)
      A wonderful resource is RockerSkating (twitter & Instagram) by Jackie Wong. He posts schedules for events, live tweets many via live streaming or in person, & has taught me a lot. His love of skating & skaters comes through with his technical expertise (former judge). Look for the IceTalk podcasts for conversations with & about skaters which he hosts with Nick McCarvel (hope that’s right).

  17. HannahS*

    What surprised you about wedding planning and the wedding industry?

    Here are some things that have been on my mind in the last week:

    1. Gender stuff! Men tend to be almost or completely absent from wedding media. It’s marketed directly to me, and only me. He is there to be a prop in photos, sometimes.

    2. If you move outside of the wedding industrial complex, it is shockingly easy to have a much less expensive wedding. We’ve chosen my fiance’s synagogue for the venue, and a local kosher restaurant for the catering. We’re hosting a 100-person evening wedding with dinner and dancing during peak season of this year, and the two largest expenses of catering and a venue are coming in at less than $3000. Factors: we live in a trendy mid-sized city with a small Jewish community, so not a ton going on. But still!

    1. Jellyfish*

      Seconding your #2. We ordered a cake that was marketed for anniversary parties. It looked exactly like a traditional tiered wedding cake, but cost a quarter of the price.

      The degree to which random acquaintances thought they should have a say in our wedding surprised me too. I expected some family members to have opinions, but all kinds of people have seriously strong emotions about other people’s weddings!

      1. HannahS*

        Oh yeah, seconding your second point. We have people in our lives who’ve been incredibly vocal about the quantity of alcohol they feel is necessary. As a non-drinker, I’m happy for my partner to take the lead on how much alcohol qualifies good hosting, but like, the wedding’s Sunday night and will be done by 10:30 pm. We’re not paying for people to get blasted.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          Yes!
          Please consider what free, unlimited alcohol does to an otherwise lovely wedding. It’s not pretty.
          There’s no sin in having a dry wedding. They do happen and people do survive. If you provide alcohol, do what you can to ensure your guests are sober enough to drive home.
          Best Wishes to you Brides and Grooms!

          1. Jackalope*

            We had a dry wedding and I am very glad still. It’s much cheaper (or was at our venue, anyway), and makes it less likely that people will make stupid life choices.

    2. LilySparrow*

      For #2, I found my wedding dress (a gorgeous Vera Wang ivory column dress with a fishtail hem) as a “bridesmaid” dress in a department store in my hometown.

      Clearance rack. $15. There’s no digits missing. Fifteen dollars.

      The alterations were $12.

      1. Lexin*

        Not a skill that everyone has, but I made my own wedding dress and the bridesmaids’ dress, too – I’m not a size it would be usual to find a dress for in a thrift store and wasn’t even in 1984, when I got married. It was about a quarter the price it would have been if I’d bought it.

    3. willow19*

      I was surprised by how easy it was to plan – there were not a lot of pieces to put together. Dress/tux, food, cake, minister, rings, flowers, DJ, venue. And once all that stuff was contracted, they all did what they were supposed to do, because that’s their business. The DJ brought music. The cake was great. The catered food was hot. And I coud relax!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Definitely number 2 for me. It was disturbing to me that people thought they HAD to do this stuff in order to be married. You can stand in from a JP in your jamies with two witness and still be married. Most of what they sell you is unnecessary.

    7. Interrodroid3000*

      Oh god yes to #1! I started getting emails & newsletters when I signed up for a wedding website, and I still haven’t stopped getting all of that very gendered spam! It’s both infuriating and hilarious.

    8. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      How easy it can be to be a totally hands-off bride, as well as it’s many pros and cons. We are having a very small out of state wedding at a chapel with packages. All I have left to do is book a restaurant for the 8 of us!

    9. Everdene*

      For me it was the gendered stuff and All. The. Opinions. During a hospital visit I had a gaggle of nurses I hadn’t met before asking me about bridesmaids and colour schemes. It took all my self control not to shout “Treat me! That’s why I’m here! Ignore the party next month!” Oak got nothing of the sort. I think him actively contacting vendors helped but it was the opposite of a car showroom, they would ignore him and talk to me as the Official Decision Maker for All Thing Wedding. It was exhausting.

      Family/Friends/random people also had a lot of opinions from what our favours should be (we had none. If ppl noticed they didn’t tell us) to where we should sleep the night before the wedding (our bed! It’s ours, we both love it and we aren’t superstitious that waking up together one more time will ruin our marriage) to whether it’s illegal that I’m not now called ‘Mrs Oak’ (nope!). I’m happy to be married but I hope never to have to do it again.

    10. Jackalope*

      One of the best pieces of wedding advice I got was to have each of us pick one or two things that really mattered to us and spend whatever we felt was necessary with splurging okay, and the go cheap on everything else as much as possible. The only wedding book I read was “A Practical Wedding” by Meg Keene and I didn’t buy any bridal magazines at all (ymmv but I didn’t like them), and that helped make it SO much cheaper. I splurged on food and he splurged on a nice suit (I was a bit smug about the fact that my dress was half the cost of his suit, although he has a suit and tie job so can still wear it) and then we tried to be frugal in other areas. Two surprises for me were a) how many little things there are and how much they add up (everyone doing wedding planning has their moment of falling to pieces and mine was ordering wedding favors…. I know I could have skipped but dang it I wanted them. They weren’t that much but still it felt like a lot!), and b) how many opinions people have about weddings and all sorts of tiny related details. I heard many people talking about their strong opinions on aisle runners and the colors of chairs at the reception. To say nothing of the seating charts.

      I wish you the best of luck in planning and congratulations!

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Re: Gender stuff… I had inherited vintage china & crystal & silverware, and I’d lived on my own and then with my fiance so we didn’t want a lot of the traditional registry stuff.
      We learned that Home Depot did a gift registry and since I (female) am as much a woodworker as my husband and we planned to restore an antique house, we put down for things like a router & miter box to build custom crown molding…and oh the outcry from family & friends on both sides that he was “making me” do that. Nope, that Shop Vac totally saved my marriage because without it I’d have wanted to kill him after any messy project. :)

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        OMG, if someone had given me a miter box or a shop vac, they’d have been the star of the present-givers!

    12. Little Beans*

      Agreed on #1! We especially noticed this on the registry – we initially registered on Zola and my husband couldn’t find anything he wanted to add. You’d think that yard/garage stuff would qualify as appropriate for a wedding registry, but all they had was kitchen/linen/bath stuff.

      Amazing how much people will insist that you have to have things that you really don’t want to have. I held firm on no bouquets or boutonnieres (my bridesmaids and I carried Japanese folding fans and they looked gorgeous, the guys survived without flowers and I’m pretty sure no one noticed) but I caved on favors when my best friend insisted on making them herself.

    13. I'm just here for the comments*

      #2 : I did the wedding invites and programs myself, from card stock bought at Staples and followed the template for a FRACTION of the price of a professional calligrapher (and in my humble opinion it looked just as nice:). Also, skipped having a wedding cake, and spent the money on a dessert buffet. And no wedding favors. What I regret doing is not hiring a professional photographer (we had a family friend do it and while the pictures are beautiful the drama of him breaking the contract and getting an album was not worth it). But what the industry would have you believe you ABSOLUTELY NEED is ridiculous, along with the prices.

      1. Little Beans*

        Yep, we saved a ton of money by designing our own invitations and printing them at Costco, and got our wedding cakes at Whole Foods.

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        Ugh, yes, I’m so glad I got married before wedding favors had really caught on. No judgement for people who really love them and want them, but hard judgement to the industry that tries to tell us that we all NEED them. Another black hole to throw your money down!

    14. Arts Akimbo*

      It’s probably a cardinal sin in weddings, but my spouse and I did not hire a band for our reception. Boom box + CDs + venue sound system, and people danced just the same! I guess my surprise wedding planning revelation was that dancy humans will dance to whatever, no need to break the bank.

      In fact, we and our friends were having such a good time dancing that my mom kicked me and spouse out of our own reception at 11 pm– because my other surprise revelation was that people apparently wait to leave until after the bride and groom leave! Who knew? (Yes, I had totally been to other weddings, but I swear I never noticed this was A Thing!)

  18. Jaid*

    Well, I got a new (used car). It’s a 2017 Hyundai Elantra, with 15k miles and an 8 year extended warranty. I was originally looking at a Honda Fit online, but it got sold by the time I called the dealer. Altogether, I think I lucked out with this car.

    One thing, the tire pressure monitor light popped on. The service guy at the dealer took care of the tires yesterday, but the light is still on, so yay?

    1. Hello*

      The light needs to be reset every time the tires are rotated or replaced. Check the manual for directions. it Should be easy to do. Also a extreme change in temperature can make it come on so always check the pressure first.

    2. Selmarie*

      The light in my car will stay on a bit after, as it adjusts. If you’re driving around and it doesn’t go,off after a couple of days, I’d go back, though.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      Is it super cold where you are? Was it less cold when it was at the dealer? Colder temps lower the pressure. I live somewhere where temps often fluctuate 30 degrees or more in the course of a day. If the pressure is right on the edge, that can mean at 5am the sensor says pressure is low but by 11am it’s fine.

      1. LilySparrow*

        This happens with mine in spring and fall sometimes.

        Tire pressure is easy to check. The air machine at the gas station has a gauge, or you can pick one up inside for about $2. Your correct pressure is probably listed inside your driver’s door well when you open it. If not there, the manual.

        If one of the tires is low, you can top it off. If it’s just temperature related, don’t worry about it, but you don’t want to drive around on improperly inflated tires, especially if they are uneven.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        We noticed a 5 psi shift here and we are zone 4 for planting. So it’s not super cold but it can get miserable from time to time. When the temp dropped down to below freezing the psi dropped about 5 pounds too.

    4. ThatGirl*

      I have a 2013 Elantra, in my experience the light goes off pretty fast on its own so I would go back, make him check all of them and reset the light if needed.

    5. Jaid*

      Oh, it’s been fairly warm 40 – 50 degrees, so it’s not the temp. The service guy would have to reset the light, there’s no way I can do it myself. I think he said he made the pressure 32 and it should be 36 according to the numbers in the manual, so I don’t understand that bit.

      I’m going to the gas station and put some air in myself and see if that does it.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        Press and hold the reset button until the light blinks three times and then run the car for 20 minutes according to my random google search, but sure, put the right pressure in the tires first.

      2. LilySparrow*

        32 is a pretty standard pressure, he probably just didn’t check that it was supposed to be higher.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My Jetta does have a reset button in the glove box–if it comes BACK on, I go to the shop. The previous model, it was 3 times shutting the car off before the car checked if the light should go off.

    6. anna*

      It’s probably just a coincidence, but I previously had a 2013(?) hyundai elantra and while I loved it, the tire light was always coming on every time I fixed it.

  19. Aurora Leigh*

    We did it! Last week I asked about adding a second dog to the family and we brought Cloud home last Sunday!

    He is settling in well to being a house dog — he loves to sleep on the couch on his back

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      Hit submit too soon (because Cloud lol)

      His favorite thing is to sleep on the couch with his legs in the air.

      Pupper the 1st was uncertain at first, but he looks positively joyful now that he realizes he has a friend his own size to rough house with and still gets plenty of lovins and snuggles.

      As a side note, adopting an adult dog is great — they catch on to house training so much faster!

      Thank you all for the tips, they really helped!

    2. Anon Here*

      Congrats on your new friend and family member! I’m glad to hear he’s home and things are going well. My rescued dog sends a high five.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Welcome new dog! There’s a saying going around – I can’t quote exactly, but it takes up to six months for a rescue dog to really settle in and “heal” in some ways. I’ve seen that with both of my girls. They warm up and trust that you are not really leaving, that there is a “coming back” and that life is good. The personality gets stronger. It’s a beautiful thing.

      1. Soft kitty*

        The rule of 3s. Some animals are home the day that they walk in the door, but this is a reasonably good way of thinking about how to integrate a new pet.

        It takes 3 days for a dog/cat to decompress
        It takes 3 weeks for a dog/cat to get used to a routine
        It takes 3 months for a dog/cat to feel that it is home

        With rescue, ‘decompress’ typically means that dogs shouldn’t have unnecessary visitors, should eat a restricted diet (avoid rich foods or too many treats), and should get extra exercise and visits outside (even if they are house-trained) for the first 3 days.

  20. Hazelnut Bunny*

    I need help with something to say to my kid’s grandma. She’s coming this weekend to bring kids their Christmas presents. I’ve kept the relationship between her and my children as their dad(her son) and her haven’t spoken since our split two years ago. (His doing.) She and I get along just fine. I told her this summer I was seeing someone. I am currently pregnant with new guy’s baby. I’m due in less than two months. I have yet to tell her and the last few times I haven’t said anything as I wasnt big and have had a lot of complications. My kid’s dad has known for awhile(he’s not happy). I’m struggling on top of telling her as the new guy up and left at 12 weeks. I haven’t heard from him since, but that’s a whole other dilemma. How do I address the elephant in the room without making it a big deal? What do I even say to her? I’m mortified in general by the turn of events in the last 6 months as I didn’t see any of this coming nor did my family and friends.

    1. fposte*

      Do you know what you *want* to say to her? Or is that part of the problem right there? What about “So, Jane, obviously I have some news; I just wasn’t sure how to break it to you before. The father and I aren’t together, but the kids are looking forward to getting a new baby sibling.”

      And good luck to you, and I’m glad it’s been workable to have her involved with your kids.

      1. valentine*

        She doesn’t need to know the new guy left, but do tell her before she travels. I hope your ex stops weighing you (or the kids!) with his opinions.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, I’d call and break the news before you see each other – if she has an unfiltered reaction, you can hang up the phone, and also the kids won’t hear it.

    2. Marzipan*

      Is there any way of telling her in writing before she comes (even if it’s just a long text), or is it too late for that? When I told my dad I was pregnant I found it easier to do it in writing because I wasn’t quite sure how he was going to take it, for various reasons (single lady egg donor baby is potentially a slightly tough sell, dad-wise). It meant I could just straightforwardly lay out what was happening and then if he needed any time to process it, he wasn’t having to do that in real time with me in the room. (As it turned out he took it *really* well, happily.) So I’d be tempted to send her a message asking the lines of ‘I wanted to let you know before we see each other that I’m pregnant – I didn’t let you know about it before because the pregnancy has had some complications, but it’s quite noticeable at this point’. And then include anything you want to say to guide her a bit as to the broader situation and whether you do or don’t want to talk about that aspect when you see her, so she can take her cues from you (if she is the sort of person who takes cues). Is she someone that kind of approach might work with?

      Wishing you the very best.

    3. LilySparrow*

      If you’re that far along, I’d suggest giving her a heads-up by text so she can adjust her face and not say anything stupid out of surprise. You both get along well, it would be a shame to put her on the spot and create an opportunity for hurt feelings or foot-in-mouth syndrome.

      Something like, “Looking forward to seeing you later. I wanted to let you know I’m expecting, because it will be obvious when you get here. I didn’t say anything earlier because it’s been a tough pregnancy and the situation is complicated. We’re all fine now, and we can talk about it when you get here, but I didn’t want to spring it on you.”

    4. Hazelnut Bunny*

      I honestly didn’t know what to say Fposte. I went ahead and texted her using a combo script from Marzipan and LilySparrow. I was mostly just nervous as her husband was coming with who is traditional and very old school to speak. She was very receptive and reiterated that I’m still family no matter what life brings. Thank you all for your help!

  21. Hamster*

    Here’s a silly I did. Im visiting family and one morning everyone was sleeping in late and I was hungry. So I decided to make an omelette w broccoli and cheese. They had frozen broccoli in the freezer. Whole, giant pieces. Normally I’d thaw it and chop them and add it to the omelette. Instead i ended up just throwing it into the omelette. It turned into a flat omelette w/ giant stalks of broccoli.

    I ended up fishing them out, microwaving it so it can soften and then chopped them. Added back inn to the omelette. And then when I tried to flip it it was still stuck to the pan so it broke and turned into a omelette scramble hybrid.

    I knew better. I’m a good cook. Idk why I flubbed this one lol. Can I blame pregnancy brain for that lol

    1. ThatGirl*

      I’m not pregnant, just out of it today. I ran to Target specifically for hair color. Picked up a box with the right number but a different picture and figured it had just been reformulated. Went to the self check out, was trying to scan in the wrong part! I’ve done this all before! The nice worker directed me and I felt dumb. Came home, complained to my husband about the new version and he pointed out it was a different brand. Oy vey.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      A Christmas card I mailed came back for not having the apartment number. I’ve done this more than once now for the same address! The apartment number is in my address book – plain as day! I have since highlighted and circled the apartment number for next time. Sheesh.

  22. Maine*

    Cooking for the In-cook-etent! How did you learn to cook? What tips and tricks made everything seem so simple? Cheap but essential tools? I’ve currently mastered… pasta. My mother is a lovely woman & I do love her dearly, but I don’t stand to inherit a Michelin Star from her, or any family members for that matter. I’d like to figure out a few interesting but not too complex additions. No cooking classes near me really, and adult ed classes would also be out of budget. Also, not big on videos – would much rather just read the info!

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      Check out library cookbooks and just start. Joy of Cooking is an oldie but goody. Maybe get books on food science so you know the *why of things. Like why you should make pancakes with room temperature eggs.

      I think I’m a competent cook but I started out literally following recipes until I did things enough times to make substitutions and experiment.

          1. Fikly*

            I love his variants, because it teaches people to understand how recipes can be modified, and that’s often a big hurdle for novice cooks.

        2. university minion*

          Specifically, if you can find it, the first edition of “How to Cook Everything”.
          New cooks tend to run into two or three frustrating factors:
          1) Recipes not turning out. Start with cheap, seasonal ingredients and keep a frozen pizza on standby. You’re going to probably make something that’s pretty inedible from time to time. It’s part of the process. I’ve had some awesomely epic disasters. The corollary is never cook a new recipe for a dinner party.
          2) Chopping/peeling takes too long. If there is one thing I wish I’d taken an actual class on when I first learned to cook, it’s knife skills. If you live in a city that has cooking classes in some supermarkets, chances are that knife skills classes are in their offerings. Take that class, it’s worth every penny!
          3) Being hesitant about heat. I still struggle with this. If the recipe says high heat, they mean it.

          One last remark, specific to Mark Bittman, I automatically double the amount of any spices he indicates in a recipe. It’s my only gripe about How to Cook Everything, which is the grease-stained, cracked-spine book that never leaves my counter.

          1. fposte*

            Honestly, your 1) is why I’m really picky about recommendations and focus on ATK/Bittman/Alt, etc. In the good old days Cook’s Illustrated did cookbook reviews, and it was fascinating how high a failure percentage there was even for the experienced cooks doing the reviews. Christopher Kimball (founder of ATK/Cook’s) has always said “Cooking is hard,” and the ATK approach is being really rigorous about making the work worth it. I value that.

            1. university minion*

              Yep, there are a LOT of really sketchy recipes out there (looking at you, allrecipes.com, along with the “1981 Ladies’ Auxiliary Cookbook from Kneeslap Alabama” in all its various incarnations). It takes a while before you amass enough knowledge to look at a recipe and tell if it’s crap or not.
              I’m too impatient to trust the process of ATK, unless I’m specifically in the mood to tackle one of their recipes. They do always turn out well, and can be good for learning a technique, but as often as not, I only have time/patience to throw something together quickly.
              I think someone mentioned it downthread, but Marcella Hazan’s “Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking” is my #2 referred to cookbook behind the Bittman. It’s surprisingly beginner friendly.

              1. Maine*

                I’m guilty of dashing to allrecipes in a pinch, so sticking to tried & true books is probably a better idea. Good point. Thanks!

              2. Stephanie*

                Lmao, see my comment below about an old Southern Living recipes. I think my mom thought she was a worse cook than she was until she realized a lot of those Southern Living/Country Living/etc recipes were trash.

            2. Stephanie*

              Ugh yeah, my mom had me make this cake recipe from an old Southern Living cookbook. It was super fussy and the cake currently looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa (I was told it tasted good, though). I say this and I’m a fairly competent baker.

      2. Maine*

        I love the point about knowing why – I’m certainly the type that needs a reason to actually follow through on room temperature eggs, so that’s also a great starting point.

        1. BRR*

          I second books from the library (I do ebooks) and would reccomend the food lab for knowing the why. It’s long but very thorough.

        2. Stephanie*

          I think someone already suggested Cook’s Illustrated–they really do go into the science of why you need room temperature eggs. I also like Serious Eats and Kenji Lopez Alt–he also goes into the science of why a recipes does/does not work. I find his recipes need a little more acid for my tastes (like an extra squeeze of lime), but they’re pretty solid.

    2. fposte*

      I love America’s Test Kitchen. There’s a lot of cooking noise, and it can be hard, especially when you’re inexperienced, to find the signal amid it, and they help with that on both the cooking and the buying of cooking equipment. They’ve got a “100 recipes” book focusing on what they call the “true essentials,” and that might be a good place to start.

      I also think it’s nice to have some really uncomplicated cooking/assembling possibilities, and I love Mark Bittman’s Kitchen Express for that. (MB is very good in general but this is just great and seasonally focused.)

      1. Parenthetically*

        Unsurprisingly I also love Kitchen Express. It’s one of my top recommendations for folks trying to improve their culinary skills.

      3. Dan*

        What do you think of ATK’s cookbooks vs the website? I bought their “Cooking for Two” book awhile back and was really impressed with the book itself. (It wasn’t “take a 4lb chuck roast, cut it in half, cook one and freeze the other.” I’d like to get more of their stuff, but don’t know how redundant the books vs the website is. Does the website cover what’s in the books, or are they completely separate things?

        1. fposte*

          Well, that was an interesting thing for me to look up. I knew there was a lot of overlap (and sometimes there’s redundancy from book to book), and when I just went and did some spot-checking, every recipe I checked was on the website as well; the website also has the buying guide and technique tips stuff. Sometimes there’s a bit of difference (the sous vide cookbook has a recipe for peri peri chicken that’s piri piri chicken on the website), and the website will have some things before they end up in a book because content goes up with the magazines.

          So now I feel kind of silly for buying the books when I have a subscription to the website, and if you think you’d use the website, I’d say go for that rather than extending your book collection.

          2. Dan*

            One other question — since the website gives me the choice of “digital all access” or that plus the magazines and cooking school, I have to ask… are the magazines worth an extra $5/mo, or is it a case of “use the free trial and see for yourself”?

            1. fposte*

              I have Digital All Access (no cooking school) and I get the print Cook’s Illustrated magazine. For me the paper is a habit and a luxury–I like paging through the new stuff, and I wouldn’t go to the website looking for new material even though I could. If that doesn’t speak to you, skip the paper and you’ll be fine.

            2. Natalie*

              I’m the same as fposte re: the magazine. I will browse the magazine and search the website for specific things I want. The print version also have miscellany like a tips page, weird equipment finds, an ingredient explainer, etc, which is probably all on the website but I never come across it.

              1. fposte*

                I’m also slightly scarred from one (maybe two?) past evolutions of the website where search functions became largely useless. I confess this discussion did make me realize I could probably weed some of my Cook’s Illustrated cookbooks, and that was helpfully timed as I’m trying to do some book weeding this weekend. But there are a few I’m still hanging onto just in case the website turns evil again (New Best Recipe will never leave my shelf).

    3. Recent Grad*

      The good housekeeping illustrated cookbook is a pretty good reference for classic American cooking and baking. My mom and grandmother both have very well used copies. The book explains common cooking techniques and vocabulary pretty well. A lot of cook books assume that you know certain techniques and terms going in. Also get a good chefs knife and paring knife, a sharp knife makes all the difference.

    4. Stephanie*

      I didn’t really learn to cook until I was in my 30’s. I found that a good cookbook was the key for me. Since you say you’d rather read the info than watch videos, look for a book that has recipes that sound good to you, and that has clear, step-by-step instructions. The one that did the trick for me was “Cheap, Fast, Good” by Beverly Mills and Alicia Ross. (They also have a “Desperation Dinners” cookbook.) My husband actually got me a replacement copy a couple of years ago because my first copy was literally falling apart from nearly daily use.
      Soups are a very good place to start out if you’re not a confident or experienced cook. They’re pretty forgiving, and nearly impossible to mess up.
      As for essential tools, you really only need a handful of things: a flat, deep-sided frying pan with a lid, a saucepan, a larger soup pot or saucepan, a couple of good sharp knives (you can get by with just a paring knife and a chef’s knife), a cutting board, a can opener, a vegetable peeler and a couple of spatulas and some kind of colander/strainer. I bake a lot, so I use my 13×9 inch Pyrex pan a lot, too.
      Good luck, and keep in mind that cooking is just like lots of other things: you get better at it with practice.

      1. Dan*

        Good cookbooks are key. Getting started, my advice is find one where the recipes have a lot of overlap in ingredients. It will make building the kitchen staples a bit easier. The first book I bought was geared toward first timers, and *every* recipe was completely different. It cost me like $20 to shop for recipe as a result (remember, I was starting my kitchen from scratch.) So I gave up and just went out, because on a per-expenditure basis, going out was cheaper.

        One time my oven went out and it took awhile to get it fixed. I like Asian food, so decided was I was going to get a book on wok cooking. *That* was a great starter cookbook.

        1. Clisby*

          Good cookbooks are key, especially when you’re learning to cook.

          Once you’re an experienced cook, you’ll catch errors in recipes like telling you to make a roux with 4 teaspoons of butter and 4 tablespoons of flour – NO. And you can probably figure out recipes with poor measurement instructions like “1 medium eggplant.” What the heck does that mean?

          Until you’ve done a fair amount of cooking, though, it really helps to have cookbooks with detailed (and correct) instructions.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      How to Cook Everything by Mark Bittman! (There’s also a Vegetarian version and a Basics version)

      1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

        Mark Bittman for the win! The Basics is great because there’s photos of all the steps, suggestions for adapting, and the food is delicious and not boring. But all simple enough for a beginner to do on their own.

    6. Grace*

      A lot of the videos I’ve used to learn skills have corresponding websites – for example, both Andrew Rea’s Basics and Binging series have websites with the recipes and skills at basicswithbabish(.)co and bingingwithbabish(.)co, and Bon Appetit has both the magazine and the website.

      I like having the videos to see whether my food looks like theirs, but the recipes at the above sites are pretty easy to follow even if you don’t want the visuals. Basics With Babish is especially good for, well, the basics. Special recommendations are the tools and pantry essentials lists (these are mostly in video form, since he’s talking you through what he has in his kitchen) plus the risotto recipes, the weeknight meals recipes, the tacos, and the fish.

    7. Nervous Nellie*

      There have been nine editions of Joy of Cooking since 1931. The newest one, written by the original author’s great-grandson and his spouse, that just came out last month, is like the others – friendly and chatty, but packed solid with background information for the inexperienced home cook. I can’t recommend it highly enough. Joy recipes will never fail you, and the chapter preambles and recipe introductions will give you the needed basics before proceeding. I think there is no better beginner/foundational cookbook.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I am also a big Joy of Cooking fan! I have an older edition (it was a housewarming present when I moved in with a boyfriend quite a while ago, and the gifter had deliberately bought “the edition with a picture that shows you how to cook a squirrel”, which may not have been the most current available at the time (I have never cooked a squirrel, but I have muttered “I have a recipe for you” when urban squirrels start aggressively bugging me for food)). Due to being an older edition, sometimes it’s missing “obvious” foods that weren’t as common at the time, and it includes entirely more aspic-based options than I am ever going to need, but it was still useful for teaching me quite a bit about how cooking works.

        It wasn’t much help in cooking in that particular relationship (between the broken oven in that apartment and the dysfunction in the relationship, I don’t think it was a problem to be solved by a cookbook, but rather with a book titled more like “The Joy of Packing Up Your Stuff and Getting Separate Places to Live, With Better Landlords and Less Mold This Time”), but later on I kept it by a chair in my apartment and would just open at an arbitrary page and start reading. I found the various “about [type of food]” sections really helpful for understanding the “why” behind recipes so I could learn how to think through cooking something rather than just how to follow recipes exactly. I mostly don’t use specific recipes from it anymore, but will often read through the relevant “about” section and some of the recipes that seem similar to what I’m aiming for while planning meals. (I don’t tend to use written recipes much at all anymore for everyday stuff, just if I’m trying something new or complicated.)

      3. Clisby*

        My copy of Joy of Cooking is from 1964. I still look to it often for basic information, and I’m not an inexperienced cook. I would second it as the best beginner cookbook I’ve seen.

    8. LQ*

      I like recipies online that have comments. I think they can be really helpful if you’re learning to make something because other people will talk about what went right and what went wrong as they did the recipie, what changes they made that did or didn’t work, how they substituted, etc.

      I’d also say learn on things that are cheap. Bread is super cheap. Get cheap flour, yeast, and you’ve got salt at home likely, if not get cheap salt (get expensive salt later for finishing but don’t start with the fanciest ingriedents). And if you screw up a recipie it’s going to have cost you a dollar, maybe. It feels a lot easier to experiement and throw it out if you didn’t spend a ton on the most expensive items. (There can be a case made for learning with the nicest things because they have the most give, but if you’re worried about cost I think you learn more and faster going cheap.)

    9. Sparrow*

      Budget Bytes is my go-to recipe website- it has good ideas of how to combine things together in tasty ways, without lots of fancy ingredients, and it’s simple enough for day-to-day cooking. Also the step by step photos are very helpful

    11. MissDisplaced*

      I’m no gourmet of a cook, mostly I learned the basics from my mom growing up. So, you know, I could always feed myself! (and even roast a turkey for single friends in my 20s) but I cannot say anything was great—just ok.

      Later in life, I’d say I probably learned the most about cooking from watching Alton Brown and his show Good Eats!

      That show really helps anyone who wants to know the “whys” of how to cook most anything BETTER, without being overly fancy. It really inspired me to attempt things I’d never tried, or been scared to try, and just make everyday things that much better.

    12. Parenthetically*

      The most crucial tool is, IMO, a good, balanced, SHARP kitchen knife — used properly (videos are essential for this one). It’s possible to cook well without one, but having and using a good knife well means your prep time can be dramatically diminished, your food will cook more evenly and consistently, and you’re less likely to injure yourself!

      Then I think the question is, how do you want to cook? The steps you take to improve your skills will differ depending on whether your goal is to make occasional blockbuster dinner-party-worthy meals from fancy recipes, or just to cook tasty, nutritious, workmanlike dinners 4 nights a week without having to open 8 cookbooks.

      1. fposte*

        And you can get good knives without spending a mint–Forschner/Victorinox, for instance, makes great knives at a reasonable price, and you don’t have to get a full set of knives (or pans or *anything*) because you’ll probably go back to a couple all the time, like the chef’s knife and the paring knife.

        (Winter break is the annual electric sharpening of the knives; I just did it this morning.)

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yes! My favorite knife cost about $40. And I have a whole rant about how wasteful (of both space and money) and pointless knife sets are.

        2. Lora*

          +1. The Chicago Cutlery chef knife I bought in college for $25 gets the most use out of all my knives… mostly because I don’t like to bust out the Good Knives for anything short of a major holiday feast. It gets sharpened with a cheapie Ikea steel and a whetstone from god-knows-where a few times per year.

          Also, since nobody has yet mentioned it: Salt Fat Acid Heat by Samin Nosrat. She explains a lot of the principles and logic behind each step and each ingredient so you understand better what you can substitute or change and what you can’t.

      2. Maine*

        Ideally, a bit of both! Typically, I’m just cooking for myself, but occasionally nice dinner in with my S/O, entertaining friends, etc.

    13. Chaordic One*

      I consider myself a good cook. I’m one of those people who just seems to know how to throw things together and they usually work, even if I don’t pay particularly close attention to recipes or if I do a lot of different substitutions for various agreements. (That said, I really do love Martha Stewart as a cook.)

      Practice certainly helps. My take on cooking is that really it is kind of “boring.” I absolutely hate the part where you are waiting around for something to cook or to brown. So often in the past I would get bored and walk away and then, while I was gone, whatever I was cooking would burn. For me, the secret to being a good cook is “being there” and paying attention to the food so that it doesn’t burn and then you can move onto the next step. If you’re lucky you can get into a sort of “zen” state while cooking and waiting for things to cook.

    14. NB*

      You’ve got plenty of recs for excellent cookbooks here, but I’d like to add a website: seriouseats.com. Also, any cookbooks written by Serious Eats contributors (J. Kenji Lopez-Alt, Stella Parks, etc.).

      Also, stock your kitchen with affordable but GOOD QUALITY tools. I hate cooking with junky tools. One of my favorite affordable brands is Oxo. Ikea has some decent stuff, too. You need :
      –1 very sharp chef’s knife
      –1 very sharp paring knife
      –1 serrated bread knife (this one might be optional, but we need this in our kitchen)
      –a good cutting board–wood is best
      –at least one silicone scraper (I like the kind that Rachael Ray calls a “spoonula”)
      –a slotted spoon
      –a wooden spoon
      –at least one spatula–I have one metal one for use on stainless steel and cast iron and one silicone for use on nonstick pans
      –pots and pans (exactly what you need will depend on what you expect to cook and for how many people)
      –measuring cups (for both dry and liquid measures) and measuring spoons.
      –whisk–I can’t decide what you need more: balloon whisk or flat whisk. I use both regularly.

      I’d also like to recommend at least one cast iron skillet. It’s life changing. Lodge makes good ones at a reasonable price, and if you take care of it, it will last your whole life.

      There are lots of other items that I can’t live without, but I don’t want to go on and on and on. I’ll stop now.

    15. Bluebell*

      Joy of Cooking is still my bible, though I’ve certainly flirted with Mark Bittman in the past! It’s good to remember that cooking and baking are not the same thing— while you want to start with both by following a recipe, cooking will eventually give you more leeway. You can go a long way with a big sauté pan, a large pot and a Dutch oven (doesn’t have to be Le Creuset). Now is the perfect season for soups and stews in the northern hemisphere — I find them fun to cook and most are pretty freezable.

    16. Stephanie*

      Smitten Kitchen is good—I like her website and cook books. She talks about cooking in a tiny NYC apartment kitchen, so her recipes are all straightforward and she has lots of pictures. Occasionally, she’ll have a spice like Aleppo pepper that may not be the easiest to find at a general grocery store, but most of her recipes are beginner friendly.

      1. Natalie*

        I think she also does a good job of explaining why you should do a specific step, or what you can change/modify/skip. And there are usually good questions and answers in the comments, although you do have to scroll past a lot of “this looks great, I’m definitely going to try this.” Ctrl+f for some word in your question can help.

        Try the “five ingredients or fewer ” “quick” or “weeknight favorites” categories for recipes that are more likely to be beginner friendly.

    17. Maine*

      After a bit of eBay searching I’ve selected a few from Thriftbooks. Mark Bittmans HTCE: the Basics & Kitchen Express, Joy of Cooking 75th Anniversary, & Cooks Illustrated Best 30 Min Recipes. Feels like a good starting point, and I’m eager to jump in in a few weeks. Thanks for all the suggestions! Next week, I’ll tackle utensils & pots/pans.

    18. Jackalope*

      My favorite cookbook when I was starting out and still one I go back to a lot is the Better Homes & Gardens one; it has a lot of recipes for basic stuff that other cookbooks often assume you already know. I have a friend who swears by The Joy of Cooking which other people here have also recommended but I haven’t used it so don’t know.

      I first learned how to cook after college helping my housemate who knew (I was her unofficial sous-chef!). That helped me a lot and is part of my recommendation: do you have any friends who like to cook that you could practice with? We had a deal that she would do the heavy lifting, so to speak, and I would chop things and wash dishes. This helped a LOT because I got to watch her and get ideas for what recipes might mean with funny terms. My second recommendation would be to figure out a few things you like to eat and try making those. One of the first things I made once I was no longer with the aforementioned housemate was cinnamon rolls from scratch; it was a far harder recipe than I perhaps should have taken on with my then level of knowledge but I was interested enough to pay attention and therefore make it right. Thinking of 3-5 foods you like and then figuring out how to make them can help you get to a basic level of confidence plus give you a starting repertoire of things you’ll enjoy.

      Other people have given good comments on what basics to have in your kitchen (although let me underline good knives one more time!), but here are some possible basic recipes that aren’t too far beyond pastas: chili, corn chowder, mashed potatoes, and if you have a crockpot I like to toss a full chicken and some veggies (carrots, onions, and potatoes) in for a few hours and for 5 min of prep time get roasted chicken, baked potatoes (with whatever toppings you like), muffins, apple or pumpkin bread, bean or lentil soups. Some as you can see are meals and some are sides or desserts but all of these are recipes I’ve found to have a great deal of flexibility, meaning that if you mess something up you’re probably okay, and don’t involve fancy cooking steps (I mean, they could if you wanted them too but they can be fairly simple). If any of those tickle your fancy then try them.

      (I will also add that most recipes don’t add enough spices for me, so I tend to double the spices at a minimum. Keep that in mind if you think things are turning out bland.)

      Last thought: I find recipes that are all the way from scratch are the most helpful. I hate hate HATE the ones that give you instructions calling for, say, half a package of frozen corn. Let me just tell you that frozen corn comes in multiple sized packages. Just tell me that I need one cup of corn and let me figure out where I’m getting it from.

    19. tuesday, this?*

      if you’re good at following directions, i found the website: cookingforengineers.com pretty fun. I don’t think he adds a lot of content, but the directions are really specific. E.g. cutting and apple: cut it pole to pole.

    20. Hi there*

      I learned to cook as a vegetarian (my favorite cookbook from that time is Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone by Deborah Madison). When I needed to learn to start cooking fish and poultry for various reasons, I found the Kitchn website and recipes helpful (there is even a Kitchn cooking school series). When I lost my cooking enthusiasm along the way Smitten Kitchen helped me get it back. The recipes there now have a setting that allows you to just see just the comments from people who made the recipe.

    21. Lexin*

      For cooks outside the US (or even in the US who are used to UK weights and measures) you can’t go wrong with Delia Smith. If you follow her recipes exactly, they turn out exactly as the pictures and she has some excellent recipes.

      She also has a “Complete Cookery Course” which starts from how to boil an egg. Highly recommended. Plus she has a book called “One is Fun”, which is, as can be imagined, excellent recipes for one person.

    22. Lemonwhirl*

      Moving to the middle of nowhere so that ordering in or going out weren’t practical and I had to cook every night is what helped me. Don’t pressure yourself – just get a lot of practice.

      Also, picking recipes is its own kind of art, especially if you’re cooking for someone else. I realised pretty quickly that if I picked something my husband wasn’t going to like, the dish was going to be something of a failure even if it turned out pretty well.

      I like Jamie Oliver’s cookbooks – they are very easy to follow and produce some delicious and un-fussy stuff.

    23. Anono-me*

      I also am A Joy of Cooking fan. I strongly endorsed the idea of having good equipment, especially a good meat thermometer.

      I am not a fancy cook. I have a small repertoire of simple recipes that I do well. When I want to try something new, I turn to Joy of Cooking. Good equipment is important in any task, not just cooking. I was given a nice piece of cookware a few years ago and the difference was astounding. I am gradually upgrading everything. The meat thermometer is important, because the internal temperature of meat tells you when the meat is done and eating it won’t send your guests running to the restroom later. This is especially important to a new cooks as it can take awhile to learn how to gauge doneness of meat by texture or color.

      That being said I am usually home, but busy with a million things and don’t have much time to cook.

      Here are two recipes that I use regularly.

      Meat and a jar of sauce*

      1. Put a bunch of meat in a roasting pan.
      2. Dump a jar of good sauce* over it.
      3. Cover the roasting pan with tin foil or the lid.
      4. Throw it in the oven at 325 degrees Fahrenheit for four or five hours.
      4 1/2 . Shred the meat with a couple of forks if appropriate. Then throw it all back in the oven for about half an hour.
      6. Serve over rice or noodles.

      *Most grocery stores have tons of prepared sauces and marinades that you can cook with. The Ginger People have some good sauces that go well with chicken or pork. I often do green salsa over chicken breast or red salsa over a pot roast then shred. The ethnic sections in grocery stores usually have some fun sauces. Barbecue sauce over chicken wings is a big hit at our home (cook it for less time).

      Cooking meat ‘slow and low’ is usually best for tougher cheaper cuts of meat.

      Unless it is a cream-based sauce, the meat and sauce portion usually can be frozen and reheated.

      Nuked veggies

      1. Buy prepared or prep vegetables into bite-size pieces.
      2. Rinse vegetables and shake off most of the excess water.
      3. Put vegetables in microwave safe dish and cover with plastic wrap.
      4. Press settings for fresh vegetables on microwave.
      5. WAIT TO TAKE THE PLASTIC WRAP OFF of the bowl until it has cooled off enough that you will not burn yourself from the steam.
      6. Season with butter and a little salt.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      Yes! It’s wonderful for me.
      I had some unpleasant side effects at first which quickly dissipated.
      Now I feel great with it.

      I tried other antidepressants but this one worked for me.

        2. Princess Deviant*

          Insomnia and dry mouth with ulcers were the worst effects. I take it in the morning instead, which helps, and the dry mouth is much much better.
          I’ve been on it for about 6 months.

          1. Zoloft*

            I think I’m going to slowly move the time I take it closer to morning. The pharmacist told me to take it at no gh be it can cause drowsiness but I had trouble sleeping

    2. Ugh.*

      I’m on it. I had a raging ache at the bars of my skull my first week on it. It’s helping me manage my anxiety and depression. I’ve Been on it for more than three years.

    3. tangerineRose*

      I had headaches the first week. I switched to prozac because zoloft seemed to be causing some side effect (maybe dry mouth) that might have caused cavities in my teeth (my dentist asked “what changed?”).

    4. sequined histories*

      It made the area under my eyes dry out and look grey and scaly, like the skin of someone who was a thousand years old. This happened within a few and was extremely noticeable and disfiguring. I stopped taking it after a week or two and my skin was normal again a few weeks later.

    5. WS*

      I took it but it did absolutely nothing for me – I didn’t get any side-effects apart from a dry mouth, either. After 6 weeks, my doctor took me off it and tried citalopram instead, which worked. Apparently this is an unusual situation, though, and it does do *something* for most people.

    6. Rain, Rain, Go Away*

      Zoloft has made life so much easier for me! I’ve been on it for about 4 years. I had some side effects in the first couple/few weeks, like a weird occasional zing feeling in my head, dry mouth, and some stomach upset. Very soon there were no side effects at all. I take it in the morning. The temporary side effects were well worth getting rid of the feeling of doom hanging over my head!

    7. Gaia*

      Zoloft was bad for me. But Lexapro has been a godsend. What I’ve learned is that it is so different for everyone and really hard to predict how you’ll react.

    8. Jules the 3rd*

      I took Zoloft for 2 years (post partum) to manage anxiety. Early on, I had nausea, a little diarrhea. Ongoing, a little dizziness, metallic taste, lowered sex drive, weight increase. It was much much much better than the anxiety, so I kept using it until it stopped working as well, upped the dosage, rinse repeat. Switched through 4 other SSRIs over the next two years, then back to Zoloft for another 4 years.

      The worst part was if I missed a day on Zoloft, and again when I finally stopped taking SSRIs – I got this horrible zinging sensation, especially if I turned my head. My prescriber didn’t believe in it, though we did step down over a couple of months. The zinging lasted about six months. When you come off Zoloft, switch to a different SSRI with a longer half-life (like Prozac) for a couple of months, then wean off that one. Do not miss doses on Zoloft; if you tend to be irregular, try Prozac first.

  24. Perstephanie*

    Anyone have any life hacks for a newly broken arm?

    I broke it on Christmas (I am carefully saving my emergency-room paper bracelet dated 12/25/19, because could anything be more totally Badass?) in the most boring way possible — a slip on the ice. Doing MUCH better now but still learning all the things I can’t do (tie my shoes! brush my looooong hair! open a jar of peanut butter!) and how to work around. Has anyone been through this and emerged with good tips? How to dress, wash, do laundry, clean cat litter, type…anything at all? Everything is such an adventure now.

    Thank you and best of New Year’s wishes to all! P.S. — be careful out there. Yeesh.

    1. Sunflower Sea Star*

      SO sorry. I sprained mine this week in a similar way, and am having similar struggles, but without a cast.

      1. Perstephanie*

        Thank you, and sympathy back atcha! Someone needs to invent a “Broken Arm Box” filled with all the products you need plus chocolate and whiskey.

    2. Jaid*

      There’s silicone elastics you can order from Amazon in lieu of shoe laces – No-Tie silicone shoe laces.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      aw, man! I did my husband up a scavenger hunt on our first married Christmas and he was afraid he broke his nose in the pursuit of his new x-box, but he said it was worthwhile. :P (In retrospect, I’m pretty sure he didn’t *actually* break it, but you bet your tail feathers he went to work the next day and told all his coworkers his new wife broke his nose for our first married Christmas :P )

      1. Perstephanie*

        Ha! If you can’t have a warm fuzzy Christmas story, at least you can have a badass one.

        This was my first time under sedation, and it sure was interesting. I went under in about a nanosecond, then woke up into “2001: A Space Odyssey.” I’m told my first words to my boyfriend were, “I can’t find my arm,” followed by “Hey, you’re not a mushroom!”

    4. Ranon*

      For hair, headbands and those claw clips are your best bet for keeping it sort of out of your face. If you have someone in your life who can braid that might help too. From experience I can tell you it’s very very hard to teach someone who’s never had long hair how to do ponytails if you only have one hand.

      Hopefully in a few more days you’ll heal some and you’ll be able to use whatever bits of finger they’ve let poke out of the arm with the cast for at least a little extra assistance, it’s not the same as having full use of both arms but it does help

    6. Bluebell*

      I find that a kind roommate or spouse has been a great help! Seriously though, there are elastic shoelaces but if you can wear boots or slip-ons temporarily that will be helpful. Hair bands are the best for hair, say goodbye to braiding for now. You can open jars by holding between your thighs or feet but that only works if you are alone. There are one handed pepper grinders if that’s important to you. For clothing, my only tip is to put on the bra backwards and slide it around. And congrats on having a great badass story for Christmas!

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      They sell a special plastic sleeve for going over casts (seals with a VERY tight silicone ring) for allowing you to get in the shower. I had one for my ankle cast years ago, and hunted one up online (medical supply stores also have them) when I fell and broke my wrist a couple years ago.

      Get really proficient with the best of your voice-to-text software options. (I didn’t do dragon naturally speaking, I just spoke into the phone and emailed it to myself and copied it into the word documents). It took me over a week for the swelling to go down enough to be casted, and then I had to have hand /arm above heart to keep the swelling down (I did a really good job). So typing was impossible for quite awhile.

      And… ask for help. I had various friends pick up the groceries,come clean, and drive me. (I had my hair washed at the inexpensive hairdressers and then went to dry shampoo, then scarf to get by during the week).

      I also worked from the recliner; there’s a really nice lapboard desk from Levenger (I already had it as a gift) but any board cut wider than the arm width works if needed. (That way I could put the bad arm up on pillows to elevate it and still work).

      And – loose elastic is your friend. VERY loose elastic sweat pants/ pajama pants or night gown. Trying to get your pants and underwear up and down with one arm is very tough. Impossible in skinny jeans, just saying.

      Take your extra vitamins (read up on which ones) and consider arnica or your other favorite herbal items to help the bruising/ swelling. And do your best nutritional support… the healing is using up a lot of nutrients.

      I won’t tell you my “tale of woe” about how I had to cope basically alone, unless asked. LOL. But you can do it, and hold down your (new) job until cleared to drive. ROFLOL.

    8. Lifelong student*

      I broke my elbow on Christmas Day- while on vacation in Rome! Could not lift my arm for two months- could not eat a sloppy burger, wash my hair, wear a pullover, put on jewelry, drive, etc. etc. for weeks. Fortunately my partner stepped in for the most part but it was a real challenge. Good luck!

    9. Jackalope*

      I’ve found from past experiences that frequently when you are using both hands/arms, one is doing the hard work and the other is stabilizing. Try to keep your eyes open for something that you can use for stabilizing wherever you go (something handy and nearby). With a bit of practice you can hold fingernail clippers between your feet to trim your fingernails on the non-broken hand. If you have nice casserole-making friends now would be a good time to ask if they can bring you some. If possible, have them bring the casseroles in single servings so you can freeze them. This is an easier ask right after the accident when everything is new and everyone still has your broken arm on their mind. If you live alone, see if you can hire someone every so often to come clean since cleaning is really hard with a broken arm (harder I’ve heard than with just one arm since then you aren’t trying to favor an injury, just get around having only one hand available). If your dominent hand is the broken one and you are not ambidextrous, take some time to practice writing with your other hand. Even if it doesn’t become beautiful handwriting, you will have obtained some skills while not in front of someone waiting for your signature or whatever. If you are someone who can break tasks down ahead of time, I found it helpful to look at individual tasks and figure out what my normal steps were, which would be hampered by using only one hand, and then trying to problem-solve BEFORE I had my sweatshirt half on/the package partly open/whatever.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Frozen shoulder survivor here. I will confess to going to an every other day shower, and finding a bra comfortable enough to sleep in and just wearing it for those 2 days. Even front clasp bras were still awkward. I also went to Super Cuts once and got them to wash & detangle my hair for me, with only a minimal trim. They got a big tip for getting out the snarls that were developing.
      There are many tools &gadgets on amazon designed for amputees, so if you don’t have someone to help you in a pinch, and if you’ll be in that cast a long time, look them up.
      When you’re out of the cast, find a way to go swimming…for me at least my muscles stretch better when the water takes some of the weight.

    12. Sled dog mama*

      I had to have foot surgery on both feet a few years ago to correct a toe deformity. Totally not the same as breaking an arm, but because I had surgery the week before Christmas my mom gave me a series of hair wash and blow dry appointments for Christmas (I wasn’t allowed to shower for the first two weeks and couldn’t stand in the shower for two months due to healing). This was the best thing ever, it felt so luxurious. I highly recommend it!

    13. Adara*

      I broke my non-dominant hand the week before Thanksgiving this year and I’ve been in a cast since. It comes off in a few hours! I am very sympathetic to what you’re going through.

      My biggest piece of advice is to slow down and accept that it’s going to take a little longer to to everyday tasks. Allowing extra time for everything helped a lot. Plus, not having full use of a limb is exhausting! Additionally, taking good care of the cast will help with general comfort and avoid unpleasantness if you have to keep the same one the entire time. And decorate it if that’s your thing! I doodled little pictures on mine to make me happy.

      A couple things that worked for me: for my hair, I went to the salon a few times for a wash and blow dry. On the days I washed and styled my own hair one handed, I made sure I had extra time and made good use of styling clips to hold hair out of the way. Shoelaces have been hard for me, so I wear slip-ons when I can. Because of the cast, I can’t wear tighter long-sleeved tops. I picked out the ones that do fit over the cast and don’t waste time with the other tops at the moment. For household chores, I focus on what I can do and leave the rest to my husband. He hand washes and rinses dishes, but I can unload the dishwasher and put them away.

      Other than that, it’s probably going to suck, at least for the first two weeks while you’re still getting used to dealing with it. Now that it’s almost over for me, I’m more annoyed and ready for it to be off than anything. So happy today’s the day!

      Good luck! I hope your arm heals well!

  25. CoffeeforLife*

    Best and worst holiday present edition!

    Best: bread proofing basket and calligraphy nibs

    Worst: dying poinsettia. Funniest part is the couple drove back to my home after leaving because they forgot to give it to me. I have a bad enough time keeping healthy plants alive.

    1. Texan In Exile*

      How could I ever forget the year my husband’s parents gave us not only the cast-iron cat but also a photo of themselves? With the option of one of two frames?

      That was the worst present(s).

      Best was when husband said he would never ask me to visit his parents with him again.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        PS Primo (now known as Mr T) and I argued about the cast-iron cat last night. He had been to a White Elephant party and was shocked that there was no Yankee Swap. I explained the differences to him and told him if he would just read AAM he would understand completely.

        And then as an example, I told him that as soon as he is dead, I will take the cast-iron cat to a White Elephant party. But maybe not to a Yankee Swap, as there is nothing useful or desirable about a cast-iron cat.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I’ll take the cast-iron cat for a doorstop thanks. Bonus if it’s an antique, those are hella expensive especially without refinishing.

      3. Soupspoon McGee*

        If we ever do an AAM white elephant, send me the cast iron cat. I could use it to stabilize the pet gate that leads to the basement so the cat can go down but the dogs can’t.

      4. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        There you are! I was worried when I realized that you hadn’t been on in awhile, but hopeful that you had just changed your name and I had just missed it!

        1. Texan In Exile*

          Oh you guys are wonderful! Yes, I am still here. Now that the estate is (mostly) settled and there is (almost) no drama, there is nothing to write about in the Diary of a Golddigger blog, so I started a new one where I don’t have to be so secret. That is, one my mom can know about. :)

          It’s wisconsin101 (dot) home (dot) blog, but I think you can get there by googling “Texan in Exile” as well.

          And I am laughing that there are still people who want the cast-iron cat!

          1. Anono-me*

            I’m so glad to learn that you are still writing a blog. Did you ever decide to put out a book.

            I love your attitude of ‘I’m going to find something humorous in this but I’m not going to sugarcoat other people’s stuff’.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      “Worst”: So, okay. I am not a new-jewelry-every-day person. With the exception of my wedding set (engaged in 2016, married 2017), all of my jewelry is stuff I have been wearing since literally 2012. And it is all very low-key. Like, I texted my bestie and said “My taste in jewelry, one word, go,” and her response was “Understated.” My husband doesn’t even buy me jewelry because I am just not a new-jewelry person.

      So this is the circumstance under which I opened my Christmas gift from a sibling and found a five-inch bejeweled neon pink-and-green peacock, wearing a Santa hat, on a “gold” neck chain. With matching earrings at the three-inch size. (In making lemonade, I took the blingy peacock off the neck chain and put him on an ornament hook so he can go on the tree.) It’s only sort of worst, because as an ornament I love it, but Jiminy Christmas, haha.

      1. LQ*

        Jewelry!
        I do not have pierced ears. I have never had pierced ears. I have never worn earrings. I am not religious. I have never been religious.

        For I think 4 years in a row an aunt bought me biblically themed earrings.

        Thanks. Drop them in cousin’s (her daughter) bag o gifts.

          1. LQ*

            It is. I get that earings seem like an easy gift. But right next to them is usually a bracelet, just try that.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Best: a beautiful stoneware 6-cup teapot. Gorgeous light blue with a rustic type glaze.

      Worst: my sweet husband got me an aftermarket backup camera for my car. He wants me to be safe and not strain my neck! He listened to me complaining about how the tiny 1970s parking lots around here are all overrun with giant SUVs! He’s been gloating to the children for weeks about how pleased I will be!

      I hate any kind of screens on the dashboard. I have ADHD, and anything flickering in my eyeline distracts me from the road and makes me feel extremely anxious and unsafe – I always think it’s something approaching in my peripheral vision.

      So now it is the Guilt Camera, because I wanted to be happy but all I could get out was, “how do I turn it off?”

      1. ThatGirl*

        I don’t know how the aftermarket ones work but the factory versions only turn on when you’re backing up, maybe see how it works first? If you haven’t already? It definitely shouldn’t be on all the time.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Yeah, he said that at the time. I just choked under the pressure of trying to look happy. And now I feel bad for raining on his parade.

          I really don’t want it at all. My inlaws are always offering to let me drive their fancy cars with backup cameras, and I won’t do it. I just find them disorienting. (He knows this. He’s heard me say so.)

          I’ve been driving over 30 years and have never backed into anything, ever. I don’t want to learn a new set of driving skills for no purpose.

          If I get sone kind of physical issue that prevents me from turning my head and using my mirrors, I probably shouldn’t be driving anyway.

          1. Cat*

            I think they’re more about obstacles you can’t see without them, like small children who walk in front of a driveway without warning.

            2. The Other Dawn*

              Exactly. I got an SUV a couple years ago and it was my first car with real technology. The backup camera took a little getting used to, but now I love it. I love that it tells me if a car, person, carriage, etc. is approaching, since it can be hard to see around all the other giant SUVs. I also love it because it helps me to back out of my curved driveway, which, even after five years, can be a little tricky if I park on the left side. And it’s not on all the time. It only comes on when I put it in reverse.

            3. Fikly*

              Except that you can solve this problem with a car that will detect this situation and hit the brakes for you, but not show you video.

              1. Cat*

                You could but you certainly couldn’t install that aftermarket on a car you already have. So I’m not sure what the relevance of that is. Also I’m also not sure the technology is there yet.

                1. Fikly*

                  The relevance is that if the OP wants the safety, but not the backup camera, that is an option.

                  And the technology is pretty well established. Look at Subarus, for example.

                2. Cat*

                  Yeah I don’t think you can buy one of those without a backup camera. But if the OP wants to spend $30k and try to get the backup camera disabled, sure, that’s an option.

                  But as noted, I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable feeling entirely on that at this point. I think things like a lack of color contrast can throw those systems off right now.

              2. fhqwhgads*

                Backup cameras are mandatory now on new vehicles (I believe since 2018), which I realize might mean for most several years away if they always buy used (I do). The automated braking tends to be a newer feature or higher trim feature other than very recently. In general, it’s easier to get a car with a backup camera and no automatic braking than it would be to get one with parking sensors but not a backup cam. Also the automated braking doesn’t always stop the car in time, even at very slow speeds, if the vehicle and the object are particularly close together. I experienced this firsthand (I was a passenger at the time).

              3. ThatGirl*

                That would require a whole new car, it’s not an aftermarket option, and as has been noted all new cars have backup cameras, even ones with auto braking.

                1. Seeking Second Childhood*

                  Oh FFS really? I find computer consoles in my dashboard to be badly distracting, and they really mess with my night vision.
                  I had one rental where I had to cover up the display, there was no turning down the intensity.

          2. fposte*

            It’s also possible it could be installed and you could just…switch it off.

            I sympathize, because I too need to be very deliberate about adopting new technology while driving (a new car is going to be a big shock to me, because I’m basically driving a compact Flintstones-mobile) and to take it at my own pace. I actually really like the idea of a backup camera but it would have overwhelmed me as a Christmas gift too.

            1. Lilysparrow*

              I thought more about this afterward, and I think the thing that was really getting under my skin was the randomness of it?

              Like, I’m okay with occasionally getting a completely utilitarian present that has no enjoyment factor or sentimental value. But in that case – why not get something off of our extremely long list of household things that already need replacing, fixing or upgrading? Why go out and get a random piece of tech that I’ve never expressed any interest in (the opposite, in fact)?

              In particular, if he wants to buy me something for the car, why not spend that money on fixing the *giant crack in my windshield* that we never seem to have the spare cash/time to go get done. Wouldn’t that be a better use of the money?

              Or maybe go get it detailed from all the mud he left in it on his last landscaping project (mine is used for hauling because it has the trailer hitch).

              But the pressure’s off now – I told him I wanted to swap it out for something else, and he was a little disappointed but okay with it. I think maybe he really wanted it for himself – but he drives a scooter.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Meh gift that turned into a good one:

      I was given a corded mouse this year, after asking that no one get me anything (of course they all did). I didn’t get what Relative was thinking. I’m guessing it was, “Oh there’s Office Depot, they have computer things, Elizabeth likes computers.” She didn’t know. :\

      No worries, though. She included the receipt, so I took it back and traded it for a trackball mouse like the one I had at Exjob, which I really wanted (and needed anyway— ow, my wrist). The trackball mouse was on sale, and I only had to pay a difference of $6.42. After a slight adjustment, it turned into the perfect gift after all. \0/

    5. GoryDetails*

      This year’s best was probably the “Sam Vimes”-themed tea blend from Adagio Teas! My sister found them and discovered that they offered relatively inexpensive sample-size “Fandom Samplers”, so she hunted down a variety of fandom-blends and got each of the family a different flavor. As I’m a big Discworld fan I loved the Vimes one (which is actually quite tasty, a dark tea with cocoa and some gunpowder tea for that “dank cigar” note); others got blends from the charming “Over the Garden Wall” and the anime “Fullmetal Alchemits”, and much fun was had comparing notes.

      Worst… I’ve been pretty lucky in that regard, with a few didn’t-fit/already-had-one/not-really-my-taste items turning up now and then (usually from more distant connections who didn’t really know me very well).

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Whaaaat my husband is a newly minted tea fan and a Discworld nut of old. Thanks :)

    6. Greta*

      Best: Tickets to see Hamilton!!!!!
      Worst: can’t think of any at the moment, but hey, who cares? I’m going to see Hamilton!

    7. Ginger ale for all*

      My worst was a Godiva treats basket. I am a diabetic who has to visit the doctor every two weeks due to various problems. I was diagnosed with type 2 last March and my prescription has changed 5 times.
      My best was an electric toothbrush! I love it.
      My schroedingers cat one is a set of gloves. I recently got a new winter coat that is Crayola green in color. I couldn’t decide what color the mittens, scarf, and hat set should be. I had too many choices so I put the question on my holiday wish list and honestly the brown green color combination never crossed my mind. I was leaning towards either black, white, ivory, pink, or royal blue. So I am going to go with it and see how it goes. I get a new set of gloves, hat, and scarf each year as a treat so I can revisit this next year.

    8. Zephy*

      Best: It’s a tie between the lovely 48-shade watercolor set my boyfriend got me, and the $500 in cash from my grandma. Granny’s cash contribution let me finish the year with 5 figures in savings, which was my money-related goal for 2019.

      Worst: Boyfriend’s mom bought me a consultation with some kind of stylist, and wants to attend the session with me?? The service this lady provides sounds like some combo of color/season typing and the wardrobe evaluation portion of What Not To Wear. I, uh, appreciate the sentiment, but my Anxiety Brain is telling me that she just wanted the privilege of watching someone else berate me for being fat, unstylish, and poor. If I bother to make the appointment (I’m not so sure this lady will have anything to tell me beyond “wear makeup and clothes that fit you,” and if she’s not going to then provide those things to me, I really don’t know what we’re doing here, because if I could afford them I would have them already), I really don’t think I want bf’s mom to be there.

      1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

        Unsolicited advice as a gift – yikes. Is the makeover just for you, or would she get one too? As in, a “gift” she really wanted for herself but bought “for the two of you.”
        That’s my most generous interpretation. :/

      3. Observer*

        If this woman is any good, she could actually helpful. The really good ones give you pointers on the right colors, styles etc. for you. Even the not so good ones would never “berate” you for any of these things or they would never stay in business.

        Some of these folks do not allow anyone who is not the client in the session. If you think you might enjoy this see if consultant has such a policy. Otherwise, keep on forgetting to make that appointment.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Best AND worst… So my husband bought something off my ‘think about it later’ Amazon list, and I found out about it a week before. I specifically told him that after 20+ years he knows I’m a romantic and an electric kettle is neither soft nor sparkly. It turned up under the tree, and then he asked me to make tea for us. Ugh no. Eventually he gave up and told me to open the kettle–he had hidden a box inside from a jeweler I visit like a museum. Earrings to go with my newly short haircut. :) A+ gift… awkward joke presentation.

  26. I have been to London!*

    The London trip was a success. I feel very brave and accomplished. Thank you everyone who chimed in on my anxiety induced repetitive questions. Still jet lagged from after a week return. Is that typical? Seems to be harder coming back to the U.S than going.

    1. Noblepower*

      I have always found it harder to get over jet lag going from East to West than from West to East. Not sure why…

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Interesting, I’ve always been the opposite! I think with East to West, staying awake a little bit longer is easier than West to East and trying to go to bed early.

    2. Grandma Mazur*

      I always found it harder on the way back to the US and friends have said the same. I’ve also heard that allowing a day per hour of time zone shift is necessary to truly be over jetlag. Not sure if that’s true but sounds possible!

      .

      1. AcademiaNut*

        I think most people find going East to West easier – it’s the difference between making yourself stay up later and trying to go to sleep when you’re not ready.

        My personal experience – the first night I sleep like the dead, because I’m so tired. The second night is often the worst – depending on direction I either can’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning (going East), or I wake up extra early in the morning (going West). I often find the jetlag coming home harder, because I’m already tired from the trip. I also find that taking an over the counter sleeping pill an hour before I go to sleep helps. It won’t put me to sleep, but it helps me stay asleep for a full night’s rest.

        The days per hour is variable. If it’s one or two time zones, I don’t even count it – it’s still within my normal sleep variation. Beyond that, it usually takes me 3-5 days to adapt, regardless of the time difference. I’ve personally tested 1-5 hours in both directions, 8 and 9 going east, 6,7 and 8 going west, and the full twelve hours. I generally find six hours going east the hardest.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      Love love love London!
      I find it harder to arrive in Europe because of the overnight flights. I can never sleep and so arrive over-tired and confused, like pulling an all-nighter

    4. Jenny*

      And were you okay health-wise? You didn’t need to see a GP or go to A&E while you were over here? I know it was a concern in the run up.

      1. I went to London!*

        Very little worries on the health front. Had to take a rescue dose of oral steroids midway but that took care of things. Paced myself and had one stay in bed day due to chronic pain. Back home six drs. appointments between now and Jan. 22. A nerve scan, 2 MRIs, colonoscopy , pain clinic, orthopedic specialist. Whew. Grateful for good health insurance and ability to pay all the copays.
        Even with all of that I am traveling to Italy for business first week in February. Feeling very brave.

          1. I went to London!*

            Bologna. Only for 5 days so I feel pretty confident about the packing etc.Going to put some vacation days on the return home side to deal with the jetlag.

  27. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I finished a paper I needed to write for a course, but not much else on account of spending a week doing the thing that won’t be named in this thread :)

    1. LilySparrow*

      All of my writing has been for work lately. It’s going well, but I’m frustrated because I don’t have enough braining left over to make the words go on my personal projects.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m prepping a couple of my papers for publication so that’s what I’m working on at the moment. And then some stuff for work.

  28. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    Not much for me due to doing the thing that won’t be named in this thread (although it could be described as “Tetris with groceries”) but I’m probably getting started on Steins;Gate tonight.

    1. Nicki Name*

      Finished my hard run of Fire Emblem Awakening on Christmas! And then hit the wrong button near the end so now I’ve seen both versions of the ending. (You win in both, just one’s more ominous than the other.)

    2. Gertie*

      Hopping on this thread to ask for recommendations for small games on the phone. In theory, I like matching three games and such, but the variation of Candy crush that I downloaded the other day is just…too easy I guess?

      1. LQ*

        iPhone – not sure if they are on android. These may not be exactly what you’re looking for but I’d recommend them along those lines. No timers on any of these if you’re looking for hard being about speed.

        Valleys Between. It’s super pretty. No timer but a thinking about next steps kind of structural game that I think folks who like matching kinds of candy crush games but without the timer would like.

        OLYM. Starts fairly easy but does get to a harder place once you get far enough along. (Beware this game does something I think no game should ever do, take over and adjust your volume, I hesitate to recommend it because of that.) The micropurchases are fairly easy to ignore.

        Evergarden. Another very pretty game that starts easy but gets to a challenging place. Though never super challenging. It’s lovely enough to be worth a play and the game play is fun you can make it more complex in a way that I enjoy.

      2. Jen RO*

        I played a match three game called My Museum Story…. quite obsessively. I never played Candy Crush, so I can’t compare, but some of the levels were very challenging to me.

      3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        I really enjoy Merge Dragons! Not so much the special events (so.much.grinding. so.much), but otherwise the game is fun.

    3. Jen RO*

      WoW Classic almost all day, every day. I’m PvPing on my main (resto druid) and leveling two alts (hunter and warrior).

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My Guild Wars 2 character is over level 70. I was helped through the level 80 quest so I have a mount. And my family is letting off steam with it tonight–I had to take a break for a wrist cramp, but no motion sickness.

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      Board game w/ Mr & Little Jules: Cosmic Encounters
      Card game w/ Gparents Jules & Mr & Little: 10 point pitch (if you play it, hi cousin!)
      On my own: Wizards Unite, Farmville 2, Civilization (the original)

  29. Advice on Medical Bills*

    Has anyone used a medical expense reviewer/negotiator for medical expenses?
    I don’t have insurance and went to the ER last night for a kidney stone attack and I’d guess the bills may add up to many tens of thousands of dollars.

    I’d like someone to review the itemized bills and hopefully negotiate cash settlements with the hospital, doctors and radiologists.

    Any help, advice is truly appreciated!

    1. Parenthetically*

      Such a service is included with my medical-sharing-ministry health coverage and we’ve used it SEVERAL times. It’s been a very simple process each time — for us we just send them the bill with a brief explanation of the issue, and they negotiate the rate down on our behalf. It’s saved us a lot of money and headache.

    2. nep*

      I don’t have any experience or advice. Just best wishes for healing.
      I will be interested in responses here, as I’m without medical insurance right now; I am learning myself how I would have to approach a medical emergency.
      Thanks for raising the issue. All the best.

    3. Anoning cause money*

      Are you in the US? The vast majority of hospitals have financial assistance programs, and the assistance typically starts at levels much higher than federal poverty guidelines.

      As an example, I make 60k annually, household of one, and get 100% financial assistance from a hospital I use. So everything is covered.

      1. Advice on Medical Bills*

        Yes, I’m in the US. I have no income. I’ll check with the hospital regarding financial assistance.
        Where are you located? Is it a county hospital that you use?

        1. Anoning cause money*

          I’m in the nyc metro area. That particular hospital is a private orthopedic hospital. Every hospital has different standards, but while I forget the details, but I believe they all have to offer some kind of assistance program as part of their medicare accredidation.

          Also, this is obviously too late because you already received care, but if this happens again in the future, one catch is that sometimes you only get assistance if you go to a hospital in the same state you live in. Or you have to jump through more hoops, and it’s a pain.

          Check the papers you came home with, they may have given you a sheet about financial assistance. Failing that, it should be on their website.

    4. Rage against the Bling*

      More advice anyone please? I don’t even know where to find a Medical Expense Negotiator. The concession the hospital was willing to make was “Pay it in full on a payment plan (that will take +3 years).”

      I know the insurance I had before and after the bill would have paid much less. State insurance only covers those with children it seems; $647 per 2 weeks take home pay, combined with $815 in rent a month plus utilities, and going into more debt just to buy food… well my husband and I made far too much money to qualify for any aid. We would just have to tighten our belts and consider moving into a less expensive place (which doesn’t exist).

      We are insured and better off now, but I wish I’d had someone who had my best interests at heart (rather than the hospital’s) when I tried to figure out a way.

    5. Lexin*

      Every time I read something like this, my gratitude for the UK’s National Health Service increases. I’m an NHS frequent flyer and I’d be bankrupt if it wasn’t free at the point of use.

      1. Advice on Medical Bills*

        I’m envious of your NHS.

        I had to declare bankruptcy for $23,000 in medical bills in 1989 after my wife got very sick due (extreme abdominal psin) to an undiagnosed allergic reaction to Toradol she was prescribed for joint pain. We were both in college at the time and without health insurance.

        Multiple ER visits, tests, aborted pregnancy and exploratory surgery were inconclusive. She was in the hospital for 20 days.

        Once out of the hospital, she was doing better until she took another Toradol and then WAM! Excruciating abdominal pain returned. I threw the pills in the trash and the spoke to the doctor about this med. He insisted that the med was not related to her symptoms and we never went back to him again.

        I’ve been insured through work all these years, but I had to quit my job due to extreme tinnitus in early 2017. I had medical coverage until 2018 thru COBRA benefits (self pay to extend company health insurance). COBRA expired in February of this year. Too rich for MediCal, can’t get coverage through the Affordable care act.

        Hoping to stay healthy until I can get Medicare at age 65. 4 more years to go.

    6. ...*

      I would recommend reaching out to a patient advocate or social worker at the hospital as well as asking how to applying for financial aid

  30. Washi*

    So over the holidays, I knitted a cute little baby sweater mainly for fun, but with my childhood friend’s 4 month old in mind. As I was doing it though, I remembered that my mom had knitted this friend a baby blanket, which like my sweater, can be machine washed but not put in the dryer. I have seen the blanket since, and it’s definitely gone through the dryer. It’s nbd for the blanket – people can do whatever they want with gifts and now it’s just a smaller, thicker blanket. But now I’m rethinking giving my friend a sweater with similar care instructions (my mom definitely included instructions when she gave it to her.)

    Is there a way to ask if this would be a nice present, or if she realistically is not going to remember not to put it in the dryer? I know stuff happens, people forget, etc, but I would probably just give the sweater to someone else if she knows there’s a 100% chance it’s going to end up in the dryer.

    1. fposte*

      I’ll be interested to see what parents think, but I suspect the vast majority of new parents are desperately flinging stuff from the washer into the dryer and really don’t have the wherewithal to remove individual items for delicate treatment. Rewarding as it is to knit something beautiful and soft for a teeny one, I think low maintenance tends to be a high priority for baby-adjacent stuff.

      That doesn’t mean you have to give it to her, but I’m thinking that it might meet the same fate whoever you gave it to. I’d say you can ask her, but you want to avoid the “I’ll only give you this thing if you handle it the way I want you to” vibe where you’re trying to control your present after it doesn’t belong to you. “I was thinking about knitting a sweater for Sprout, but is something that needs to dry flat and not go into the dryer more trouble than it’s worth for you these days?” If you think you might enjoy doing something when the kid’s a little older, you could add that–“Or should I wait until things are a little more controlled and Sprout might be old enough to enjoy the gift?”

      1. Lilo*

        Yeah, kids at that age go through so many changes of clothes and you are constantly doing laundry. I probably would simply have not used it.

      2. LilySparrow*

        Yeah, if you will be bothered by something getting ruined, do not give it to a child.

        There is only so careful you can be for so long. There is always going to be some element outside the parents’ control – starting with the fact that unless she lives in the 1950s, it isn’t always going to be your friend doing the laundry.

        Beyond ordinary forgetfulness, there’s illness, dogs, destructive siblings or cousins, and stains that just will not come out without harsh treatment.

        Never give presents with a side order of obligation or guilt.

      3. Cat*

        Hah I have a five week old. My dad was over helping and asked if a sweater for her (not hand-knitted) could go into the wash with the other clothes and I said “well, that’s what’s going to happen.” I can’t imagine having the bandwidth to keep track of what needs to be dried separately at this point. But it’s a really nice thought for later!

        1. Cat*

          Also there’s a lot of soft fabrics that can be washed at this point so I think the more delicate stuff currently feels unnecessary.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      When you have a 4mo, it’s unusual to have time to remember that a garment needs special care: that is, if you remember, it makes you unwilling to dress your baby in it. Baby clothes to be worn regularly need to be fairly robust, so clothes needing care are saved for special occasions, which may not come until the clothes are outgrown.

      Which is to say, you’re not wrong to want your hard work taken care of, but that may mean it gets no use. If you think this friend is particularly casual about care instructions (or gifts in general) and you’d prefer to give it to someone else, you should absolutely do that. But maybe your next baby project could be worked in a more forgiving yarn?

      2. Washi*

        Yeah, I think I just need to use acrylic if I do baby stuff in the future.

        My whole family knits and dresses babies/kids in wool we’re used to pulling stuff out before it goes in the dryer, but you’re right that it’s not second nature to other people!

        1. Headachey*

          Or cotton, or superwash wool (which can be machine-washed and dried). Baby things are small & fast! Have fun knitting some more!

          1. Washi*

            So actually both things are superwash merino! But the blanket definitely looked a bit felted. Have you successfully put something like that in the dryer? Does my friend just have a super hot dryer or something?

            1. LilySparrow*

              Lots of people deliberately put baby stuff that’s been spitup or pooed on through the hottest wash & dry cycles to sanitize it.

              Also, if there’s been certain types of infections in the house, this can be recommended to avoid spreading it. One of my girls picked up molluscum contagiosum somewhere (probably from sharing dressup clothes, or possibly sharing towels at a pool party) and doing all the laundry on hot/hot was recommended for anything she touched.

            2. Fellow Traveler*

              Maybe it was washed on hot? I have definitely had wool things felt after a hot wash, even if it didn’t go in the dryer.
              Personally, I’ve always appreciated hand made things that I’ve received for my kids. If I know it can’t be put in the dryer, then I just put it on my baby less and don’t even bother to wash it – I find wool doesn’t need to be washed often. Or if it gets really dirty, I will put it aside and wash it on it’s own- either in the machine or with a 15 min wool soak. I personally don’t find it a big deal- the wool item just sits until I can get to it. But then again, I love wool and have put my kids in it from the beginning so I’m very careful with it. (My husband has shrunk several things, though).
              I say give it to your friend with love and a warning.

            3. Meepmeep*

              Superwash should actually be ok in the dryer. I knit a lot of socks out of that and they always go in the dryer and they’re always fine.

        2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          FWIW I do baby blankets in Stylecraft Special DK which is very robust, comes in a full rainbow of inspiring colours, doesn’t cost a fortune, and is comfortable to work with (not squeaky!). I don’t know how available it is in the US but maybe worth a Google.

        3. NewNameTemporarily*

          The very last baby blanked I crocheted (many years ago) I did was acrylic, and I was so grateful as the little one had a blowout on it. She called me up and asked if it was washable, in tears. (It meant a lot to her, no remaining moms to “grandma” for her).

          I’m a big believer in natural fibers, but…. stuff really happens with babies. If you can’t biz it, sanitize it, and wash it… it’s a single use item for most little ones.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I knitted a wool gift for a friend, but explicitly said, “This is only for pictures, it is not machine-washable, so I don’t care if it only gets worn for like three seconds so long as I at least get to see a picture of baby in it.” (That said, mine was a knitted mermaid tail, because their nursery was ocean-themed, and it wasn’t big enough to fit baby for more than a week after she was born anyway, so there was no way it was going to end up in a “regular wearing” pile.) So maybe go that route, acknowledge that it’s not going to be an everyday thing, and then let (whoever) take the wheel?

      But frankly, giving it to anyone with a baby runs the same risk.

    4. Shananana*

      Other option – buy an appropriate sized doll or stuffed toy and put sweater on it. I had a bunch of cabbage patch doll clothes growing up that were actually really nice baby clothes many of my excited extended family gave my mom when I was born (I was the first baby girl in 20 years). I think I wore each of the one time, but those live on as doll clothes to this day nearly 40 years late.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Yeah, I was going to suggest using it for a doll or a stuffed animal, or giving to someone who would.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Go ahead and give it to someone else.

      I gave an item that I adored to a family member. She left it outside all winter and it became ruined. I started sputtering, “But I gave that to your daughter!”

      Then I realized I was way too invested in Item. When we give something to people it is no longer ours, it becomes theirs. And they can do what they want with it, including trash it.
      This family member went on to trash several more presents and I had to stop the gifting entirely.

      If you are worried about what will become of the gift that is enough to stop the process of giving it to her now. You don’t even have to ask. For me, I had to remind myself that gifts with strings aren’t true gifts anyway.

      1. NewNameTemporarily*

        Yes, I had to stop gifting my nieces. Spent hours picking out the perfect X with the perfect accessories to fit their diverse family unit. Biggest gift ever for me at the time. Not cartoon or commercially themed, very well made, an heirloom level toy set for the generations but sturdy, practical, and beautiful. Well received at the time (I was there). Two months later, the child liked the cheap plastic Disney version at (insert name of chain store) and so it was bought for her because “she liked that one too.” (no child needs two of these things, trust me). Mine went on to (I figured out) a yard sale. The other was broken within a year or less, never made it to the use of the second little one in the family.

        I gave only one other significant gift, and for that (a Pericles pram), I got agreement from the parent that it was RETURNED to me or to the next family member with a baby, once outgrown.

        These days, I give a small stocking stuffer gift the whole family can use (think game) and an Amazon gift card roughly equal to the sum of what they spend on me. Not to be petty, but I can see that those kids have so many toys that they are overflowing 3 toy rooms (not bins – the house is completely full and spilling over, from basement, family room, bedrooms, and living room), and continuously throwing things out, and selling, things they are tired of. I no longer am bothered by it, because I don’t actually know what my gift was. So now…. I figure they are so overwhelmed with materialism that my contribution is best divided – a modest amount to them, the rest to a children’s charity. (I just don’t mention that to them).

    6. Chaordic One*

      For some reason, while reading this, what popped into my head was the image of Morticia Addams, sitting in her wicker chair, contentedly knitting a three-armed sweater.

    7. LibbyG*

      We accidentally shrunk a beautiful hand knit baby sweater when my oldest was a newborn. We put it on a teddy bear which then became an extremely huggable favorite. The baby would have outgrown it in a month or two anyway. So, yeah, it got shrunk but it stayed useful and was well enjoyed.

      1. Washi*

        Ooh this is actually a good point. My concern is less my work being “ruined” and more that a sweater that will definitely be shrunk after one wearing is kind of a bad present. But she has a bazillion stuffed animals so it could always be a teddy sweater!

    8. Observer*

      General rule of thumb – any item of clothes for a toddler or infoant that requires ANY level of special care whether you can’t run it through the washer, it needs ironing or whatever, is just not a good gift 99% of the time. If it’s given as an explicitly one time thing, that’s different (eg a big event and you want the baby to be dressed up). But otherwise? Not happening.

    9. The New Wanderer*

      My MIL’s friend knitted a sweater for each of my kids when they were babies. I barely know her so it was more for the giving than the receiving, but the sweaters were beautiful and we were touched she’d made the effort. I made sure she got a photo each time of the baby wearing the sweater (with matching hats, it was so cute), and then they were packed away since they would not have withstood any regular use or washing. I knit too, I get it, but everything I knitted for my kids or other baby shower gifts was with acrylic and those have really lasted.

      I’m not sure there is a good way to ask without putting your friend on the spot. I’d say to go with your own sense of comfort on this: it’s very likely your friend will appreciate the sweater and the effort you put in, but if it come with care instructions of any kind, it’s not likely to get used. If that’s okay, give the sweater. If you want something to really get used, I’d go for the easiest care option.

  31. Foreign Octopus*

    I’m watching season four of The Expanse at the moment and am loving it. It’s so easy to see the money that Amazon has put into it as the visuals are just amazing. I’m really glad that the show’s getting the acclaim it deserves as I’ve been a fan since the beginning. I just wish that another network had picked up Timeless as I’ve recently finished watching that on Netflix and was disappointed to discover it’s been cancelled.

    1. Bilateralrope*

      The only thing that disappointed me about The Expanse is Amazon’s video player. Its slower to ramp up to full resolution than other sites and I’m missing the skip credits/recap button that Netflix and Disney+ have.

    2. Lilo*

      I had some problems with the fourth book to the point I almost quit reading the series and thought they seriously improved on it, particularly with the non-Ilus plotlines (none of which are in the book), giving Amos and Naomi more to do and making Elvi way better (she is seriously irritating in the book).

      1. Hattie McDoogal*

        Yeah, Cibola Burn has been my least favourite book in the series so far and the show did a great job with it. I found the Avasarala plotline pretty boring but the Bobbie and Drummer/Ashford ones were well done. And superficially I like how much more they can swear on Amazon.

      2. Melody Pond*

        My husband has read the books (I have not, but love the show) and he said the same thing – Cibola Burn is his least favorite of the books, but thought that the show improved on it in several areas. And we were both thrilled to see the clear upgrades in production budget.

        How long until season 5, again? :-P

    3. Emily*

      I was so bummed about Timeless as well. Last time the fans managed to uncancel it but not this time. Instead we just got a special to finish it off but it wasn’t that well-written :(

      I’ve been thinking about watching the Expanse. I like sci-fi and I recognize Warren Peace from Sky High

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        Do it! Expanse is *great*. I watch it with my husband and tween. Our opinions are split – hubs and I like it more than Mandalorian, but tween prefers Mando.

    4. Mockingjay*

      Just started binge watching last week. I am in the middle of season 2. How did I miss this series, let alone the books?

  32. Marzipan*

    Is there any way of telling her in writing before she comes (even if it’s just a long text), or is it too late for that? When I told my dad I was pregnant I found it easier to do it in writing because I wasn’t quite sure how he was going to take it, for various reasons (single lady egg donor baby is potentially a slightly tough sell, dad-wise). It meant I could just straightforwardly lay out what was happening and then if he needed any time to process it, he wasn’t having to do that in real time with me in the room. (As it turned out he took it *really* well, happily.) So I’d be tempted to send her a message asking the lines of ‘I wanted to let you know before we see each other that I’m pregnant – I didn’t let you know about it before because the pregnancy has had some complications, but it’s quite noticeable at this point’. And then include anything you want to say to guide her a bit as to the broader situation and whether you do or don’t want to talk about that aspect when you see her, so she can take her cues from you (if she is the sort of person who takes cues). Is she someone that kind of approach might work with?

    Wishing you the very best.

  33. WellRed*

    Tipping. Do you tip the person who wheels you around the airport in a wheelchair? How about say, theGreyhound bus driver ( not a charter or tour). We did tip housekeeping, bellhops, valet, servers and tour guides ; )

    1. LGC*

      Can’t answer the first one – second one, I don’t think so (it’s kind of like tipping the pilot in an airplane or a train driver). Besides, last time I took the bus it was a half hour late – the pleasures of taking Bolt Bus from New York to Philadelphia during rush hour, I guess.

      Tipping is weird. My dad insists on tipping Uber drivers in cash. I tip Lyft drivers through the app. My dad insisted on tipping the Wegman’s clerk who helped us wheel our catering order to our car, and she very politely, but kind of frantically refused. I could write an essay about how crazy it is that so much of our economy runs on a “discretionary” payment that’s not really discretionary, but that’s not what you asked for.

      But anyway. I generally only tip my barber, at restaurants, and cab drivers, really. And travel service providers. It’s not that I don’t think other people need to be tipped, it’s just…I’m unsure when it’s appropriate and when it isn’t.

    3. fposte*

      I did the first on one trip and I didn’t even think about tipping; the people wheeling me were moving so fast I’m not sure I could have caught them anyway (apparently they’re spread really thin). Was this your New Orleans trip? I hope you had fun.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Ooh, if you remember, can you sneak in and do a roundup of your favorites? My wonderful father-in-law is going to be there for a few days in the spring and would love recommendations from someone who’s been there recently!

          1. WellRed*

            Honestly I just loved wandering the FQ, soaking up sights and sounds, popping into shops or bars for a drink. Pat O’Briens and Fritzel are two mainstays and very fun.

    4. nep*

      I appreciate this question and the responses.
      I was recently in Denver and was on the airport>hotel shuttle with an airline crew. I was ready with a tip, but I hadn’t the foggiest idea how much to give. It had been a long time since using such a service. Fortunately I was able to see what they were giving him and followed their lead; I was about to tip a lot more.

    5. Creapy Arms*

      I tipped the wheelchair guy at the airport. He asked if I wanted to use the restroom or stop for something to drink. He was very nice.

    7. Thursday Next*

      I think you should—they’re woefully undercompensated. I think I read a WaPo article to that effect in the last year.

    8. Reliquary*

      Absolutely yes, please tip the folks who push wheelchairs in the airport. They are paid terribly, and tips are what keep them in those jobs. My father usually gives each person $10.

    9. noahwynn*

      Yes to the wheelchair assistance at the airport. Most are paid minimum wage and rely on tips. I used to be a gate agent, and I know they always appreciated when people gave them a dollar or two as a tip. Also, in my experience, they pool tips by shift, so you should only need to tip the last person that assisted you if you’re in a larger airport where they hand you off at various points.

  34. matcha123*

    I am fairly certain my next door neighbor goes for a smoke every half hour. And every half hour or so my whole apartment is filled with the smell of cigarette smoke. This summer I couldn’t even open my window to enjoy days with good weather because he was smoking all the time.
    I would call my rental company, but I know they won’t do anything. So, here I am at 1:30am typing this and getting a headache because someone needed to smoke. I absolutely despise smokers and if I could grab this guy and flay all of his skin off, I would. What gives him the right to fill my place with smoke? Why is society so lenient with smokers? If I got drunk and damaged someone’s property I’d be expected to pay. The way this apartment is built, we all have to have fans running 24/7 to keep the apartment from forming a vacuum and making it hard to open the front door. I get smoke smell coming into my bathroom, kitchen and bedroom. grr…

    1. nep*

      Oh, that is horrible. Such a violation of your right to breath clear air.
      The apartment complex should have designated areas–if someone chooses to smoke outside, it should be far enough away from the building so smoke would dissipate. (Is that a thing–those of you who live in apartment complexes?)
      Reckon this guy doesn’t want to smoke in his apartment because…the place would be filled with smoke and the stench of smoke?!

      1. fposte*

        IIRC matcha lives outside of the US (Japan, maybe?) so the policies are likely very different.

        One of the motivating factors for my buying a house was a smoker moving in to the flat beneath me. I totally sympathize.

        2. matcha123*

          Yep, I am!
          I’ve been told it is very hard to evict people, which is good if you are a member of a group that might be discriminated against. On the other hand, there have been countless stories of people who have been victimized by their neighbors for years while the rental companies or police do nothing because they can’t decide which law to use or if the actions even count as illegal/a nuisance.

      2. matcha123*

        Technically smoking is not allowed in the apartments, but most rental companies pretend not to notice smoking that takes place on the balconies since it’s ‘outside.’ Smoke inside would stain the walls and leave a smell, but that worry doesn’t extend to balconies, I guess. When I complained to the management of my former rental, they treated me like I was the one causing trouble. It’s incredibly frustrating because moving won’t necessarily solve the problem.
        Thanks you for your sympathy! *-*

        2. Diahann Carroll*

          Oh wow – my current apartment community explicitly banned smoking anywhere on our premises, including our balconies and patios. They have security that patrols 12 hours a day and the property management staff tours each building a couple times a day. If you’re caught smoking on your balcony or patio, our lease says you’ll be fined on the first offense and then possibly evicted on subsequent offenses.

          I don’t know how they enforce any of these things, but I have yet to smell cigarette smoke anywhere near my apartment building since I moved in almost 18 months ago.

      3. Diahann Carroll*

        I’ve only ever lived in apartment communities where smoking is outright banned anywhere on the premises (my current place even spells out in our leases that tenants are not to smoke even across the street in the park we face, which…don’t know how they would enforce that) so I don’t know if that’s a thing, but it should be for complexes that allow smoking. People with respiratory issues and small children shouldn’t have to smell that mess. Plus, cigarette smoke lingers and will be hard to get out of the apartments even after they’ve been cleaned, so the property managers are potentially going to run off new tenants.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Around here smoking is banned in all public parks so the across the street bit might not be something the complex could/would try to enforce, but more a related reminder (you can’t do it here and you can’t do it there either), since at least around here it’s common for people not to realize there is zero smoking allowed in parks, despite signs posted indicating that. It’s not a new law either. But I guess the whole “I’m outside” thing wins in a lot of people’s minds.

    2. anon24*

      Oh I can commiserate. I think I’ve posted this story before, but I left my last apartment because of smokers. They moved in below my apartment 2 weeks after we renewed our year long lease. It was a long year. I was so sick. They sat under my windows and the vent for my heat/ac so it didn’t matter whether I had the windows on or the heat/ac running – my apartment was just filled with smoke all the time. I get migraines that are made worse from smoke and I spent so much time that year in too much pain to get out of bed. They didn’t work and were home chain smoking 24-7. A good portion of that year I had quit my job and was going to school at night and during the day I’d often have to leave and just walk around town for a few hours because I just couldn’t be in my home. It made me so angry that I had to leave MY home because of their actions and I had no legal recourse in the matter. Also, my pets were in the home exposed to that. All day and all night I had to listen to them under my window talking and laughing and smell them smoking. I’d wake up at 3am and they would still be outside yelling and laughing. I am the calmest, one of the most laid back people out there but if I put the things I wanted to do to them on this forum Alison would ban me and I’d probably go to jail ;) One of the more nicer things I wanted to do was yell “oh no, something is burning!” and dump ice water out my window on top of them.

      1. matcha123*

        That sounds awful! I also get sick from the smoke. Maybe I wouldn’t care as much if it were a smell that didn’t leave me feeling terrible. I admit to shouting many things at this person. Where do they think their smoke goes?!

        1. valentine*

          Apologize for yelling? Tell them their smoke fills your place for hours and to please smoke away from the building.

    3. In the same smokey boat*

      I feel your pain and am sending you sympathy! I’ve had the same issue in my apartment (in the U.S.) for the past few months, but not nearly to the extent that you are.

      My building is not considered “non-smoking”, but part of another building on the property is. I asked the leasing office if the smell of smoke tends to travel from one apart to the next while I was going through the original paperwork. They assured me it usually doesn’t. Two months later and my bathroom REEKS of cigarette smoke. Thankfully not all the time, and nowhere else in my apartment, but it’s gross. I don’t want to store anything in the bathroom cabinets because the smell gets trapped in there, so I literally have bags of products in my bedroom and closet. I have a lovely linen closet I can’t store my linens in because it also smells like smoke (right next to bathroom). Even when it doesn’t smell like cigarettes, it still smells stale and musty and gross.

      According to management, a “fan in the roof isn’t working properly” and that’s why I’m smelling smoke. Not sure I’m buying that but alright. That was three weeks ago and I still don’t think the fan’s been fixed.

      I’m not familiar with renter’s rights so I can’t really give you any advice here, but I hope you’re able to get the company to do something about it!

    4. Joanne’s Daughter*

      Have you explained to your neighbor how their smoking is affecting you?
      I used to be a smoker and tried not to disturb non-smokers with my bad habit. I would totally have moved my location to smoke to accommodate you.

      1. tangerineRose*

        This is a great idea. And remember that the smoker might be a kind (but addicted) person who wouldn’t want to bother you – like Alison says, the more you bring that type of cooperative attitude to this type of thing, the more likely the other person will be cooperative. I hate cigarette smoke too and would be going crazy with this, but I think a lot of smokers don’t realize how bad it smells to the rest of us.

      2. matcha123*

        I spoke to them through our balcony divider this summer and told them their smoke was getting into my room, they apologized, but now that it’s colder, I think they don’t care :(

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      That’s awful! I think it would be reasonable to politely remind him again that it really bothers you. When I lived next door to chain smokers, I bought a large Whirlpool Whispure air purifier, basically a giant fan with a big filter. It was expensive and a bit loud and worth every single penny. I ran it 24/7 and it reduced the odor about 80%.

    6. shortlibrarian*

      I’ve heard good things about air purifying machines, but I don’t have any first hand experience. Perhaps having one or more could help your situation?

  35. Bibliovore*

    If one wheelchair person gets me from ticketing/ baggage to my gate, I tip 20 dollars.if they are handing me off. 5 dollars each. From the plane to luggage to car. 20 dollars.

  36. Ugh.*

    I need to vent.

    I’m not naturally organized. I have anxiety and depression. Through trial and error, I’ve learned what works for me, to allow me to do what I need to do and still have time to take care if my well-being.

    I hate it when, for whatever reason, anyone doesn’t do what they need or want to do and expects that I’ll just do it for them. I’m happy to help when I can and feel like it but, when I (always politely) decline, they feel entitled to know why.

    I feel punished for having my act together and taking care of myself.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      I am working on NOT giving reasons why I’m telling someone no. It’s just an opening for an argument.
      “No, I can’t.” can be repeated for as long as necessary.
      Best of Luck and keep taking care of yourself!

      1. Fikly*

        This. Generally speaking, people asking why are never going to be satisfied with any answer. They are only asking why to set an impossible standard.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I tend to agree with you that the organized do get punished because they are leaned on too heavily. The only solace I have ever found is that I need things a certain way to suit ME. And it does make my life easier.

      Do make sure that you are not unnecessarily disclosing that you have x or y or z readily available. Try to be more aware of letting people go through their own learning experiences.

    3. LQ*

      Feel free to skip if you don’t want someone else’s experience sucking up your life. (Which is fine.)
      This is good to read. I’ve been feeling like oh I should do more. This is exactly what that ends up feeling like. I don’t have a big circle of humans and I’ve had luck with just talking through with the ones closest that what they are asking for is expensive, not in cost but energy. I’ve gotten to a good place with most of them. Those who continually push and push just don’t get reasons, don’t get as much grace, that’s fine and a decision they are making.

      But it has come to settle in a nice place with the folks who understand it best closest to me and those who don’t are held at arm’s length. Holding those people at arm’s length helped a LOT with the feeling punished for doing the right stuff. I can have empathy if they aren’t close enough to suck all the life out of me. When they are draining me dry they are also draining my empathy and making it so I can’t help them either. This space is there for a reason.

  37. nep*

    Oh, that’s horrible. Total violation of your right to breath clear air.
    The apartment complex should have designated areas–if someone chooses to smoke outside, it should be far enough away from the building so smoke would dissipate. (Is that a thing–those of you who live in apartment complexes?)
    Reckon this guy doesn’t want to smoke in his apartment because…the place would be filled with smoke and the stench of smoke?!

    1. nep*

      Disregard. Oops. Thought I was making a couple slight changes before posting response to matcha123, and both ended up appearing.

  38. JediSquirrel*

    I am moving. It’s a slow process, because I didn’t hire a van or a company. I just keep loading up my car and going from old apartment to new apartment.

    The new apartment is smaller, doesn’t have a washer and dryer, but has a gym, pool, tennis courts, pickleball courts, and competent management. The old apartment is bigger, has a washer and dryer, needs a lot of upkeep and maintenance, and has incompetent management. I notified them of my new address last week and they said I need to provide 30 days written notice of my move-out date, so they’re billing me until Jan. 23 for rent. I told them in October, but they don’t remember. Alas, a court date is probably in my future over this.

    (Also—and this is weird—the new apartment said no Command Strips. You want to hang something on the wall, just go ahead and put a nail in. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard of that.)

    I will just so glad to put 2019 behind me. It was a horrible year in a lot of ways.

    2. Diahann Carroll*

      Probably because Command Strips are very difficult to remove after a period of time – they’d have to scrape them off the walls, which, depending on the paint finish or the wall material itself, could cause more damage than just spackling a hole.

      As for the washer/dryer situation, is it possible for your building to provide you with one for an additional charge per month? It sounds like you live in a luxury apartment community, and I know the ones I live(d) in, and the one my mother currently resides in, will give tenants who ask for them use of ones they purchase for something like an extra $30 a month. My apartment came with a washer/dryer combo unit and my mom downsized from a house and brought her own units with her and just used their connections, but one of my neighbors who lives in a two bedroom that didn’t come with an in unit washer and dryer asked building management for it after her husband freaked out when using the communal laundry room and found a blonde hair in his clothes (he’s brunette), and the building management team gave them their own units for rent.

      Congrats on your new place! It sounds like your amenities are awesome, so enjoy!

    3. Jdc*

      Command strips suck. They 100% of the time have flat out ripped my drywall off. A nail hole is much easier to handle than fixing drywall. I don’t get how they still exist they are so awful.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Weird, I’ve never had that kind of problem with Command strips. I wonder if it depends on the paint.

        1. Jdc*

          Perhaps but it’s happened to me at every place I’ve lived and I’ve moved a lot for work. I just assumed they suck and gave up on them.

        2. Gatomon*

          Same, I had things hung for over 5 years in my old apartment and got all the strips down with 0 damage. I even had some stuff fall off and didn’t have any damage.

          My new home is COVERED in nail holes and I’m actually pretty salty about it because of all the drywall repair I’ll have to do eventually.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      About the command strips: I used them in the bathroom, and they pulled the paint off when I took them down. It would have been easier, much easier, to patch a nail hole, I assure you.
      Congrats on the new place!

  39. bunniferous*

    Some week!
    Was supposed to host Christmas dinner but had to take husband to ER instead. We are still at hospital and will probably be here till Tuesday. Merry Christmas!

  40. Merci Dee*

    A brief update….

    Dad’s doing well with his physical therapy almost a month after his knee replacement. The doctor and therapists are very happy with his progress on the exercises and his range of motion. Yay.

    Biggest problems are that portions of his leg are still extremely sensitive to the touch and he has problems riding more than 30 to 45 minutes in the SUV because it kills his hip on the surgery side (he still can’t drive the SUV so has to ride in the passenger’s seat, which puts his stiched-up knee against the console/instrument panel. He can drive his pick-up truck with no problems since the surgery was on his left leg).

    He says that the sensitivity in his leg is due to healing in the nerves from the surgery, but that he found that out from online forums because the doctor didn’t mention it until dad asked about it, and that it’s nothing to worry about. Not sure I’d be so hand-wavy and blase about it, but it’s not my leg.

    The doctor mentioned to dad earlier in the year that there’s a possibility of hip surgery in the future, but dad and doctor both hoped that the knee replacement would correct the alignment problems with his hip and negate the need for surgery. Looks like that might not work out the way they hoped. Dad is absolutely fine when he’s walking – no pain at all when he’s up and moving, and he’d walk all day long if he could. It’s sitting for long periods of time that hurt him now.

    But even with the leg sensitivity and the hip pain, he confirms there are improvements. It’s just a couple of things he wasn’t expecting to deal with. Let’s hope they resolve soon, because they’re the only things causing him pain now, and he’s been barking and snipping at my mom when the pain gets bad. I swear, that woman is a saint. I would have conked dad on the head with the first handy heavy object if I had to take care of him. :p

    1. Fikly*

      The nerve sensitivity is totally a thing! Your nerves get super weird after surgery. They almost always calm down eventually, time will vary of course.

      I remember them wiping my foot down between cast changes and I was so sensitive I nearly kicked the poor cast tech.

  41. Texan In Exile*

    Just got a letter in the mail saying, “Your breast imaging exam shows an area that needs further evaluation. This is not uncommon. Most such findings are benign (not cancer).”

    I had my regular annual mammogram on Thursday, Dec 19.

    I got a phone call on Monday, Dec 23, that I needed a follow-up scan. For which the earliest available appointment is January 3. (NB Never ever ever schedule a regular screening test just before Christmas. If you need any kind of follow up, you won’t get it until after the new year. Lesson learned on that one.)

    I checked my chart online and saw the test results.

    The words above? NOT IN THE ONLINE RESULTS. All I saw was detailed technical information about the scan that I sent to a physician friend for more information. (I didn’t send it to my sister, a nurse practitioner, because who sends something about I MIGHT HAVE CANCER to her sister two days before Christmas?)

    All to say – I have spent the past week sick with worry and fear, unable to sleep or eat, wondering if I have cancer. The letter that the hospital sent via the US postal service? That information would have been very useful on Monday Dec 23.

    1. Asenath*

      If it’s any consolation – and I am not a doctor – it really isn’t uncommon to be called back for an extra check on something that showed up on a mammogram, and often, further examination proves that the area in question is completely harmless! It’s happened to me a couple of times. And they probably wouldn’t put that particular wording in the technical descriptions, because a doctor reading those technical descriptions wouldn’t need the wording-for-the-patient. Good luck with your follow-up results – and, I know how hard it is, but try not to panic too much before then!

    2. fposte*

      Sorry, TIE. That’s no fun. However, it is true that this is unlikely to be cancer, just an unphotogenic boob. I had the same thing last year and this year breezed through the mammogram without a second look. Your time to the second scan sounds pretty standard even without the holidays, too.

      I do think medical services are still figuring out best communication practices. I know somebody who had the converse experience to yours–she found out she had cancer from checking the posted scan results online, not from a human. I don’t know what the best way is, but I don’t think it’s that.

    3. Texan In Exile*

      Thank you both! It’s been really stressful and I don’t even know what to think. :( I am terrified to google because there be monsters.

      1. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        hi Texan, don’t google. I had the same thing happen this year too, and I would suggest waiting to get a follow up on this. Sometimes pathology needs a second look, or a biopsy, or do the mammogram again. Good to have a second look to be sure. Worrying is something I used to a lot of, and learning to let go and trust and use tools like mindfulness and meditation and therapy. to help, has been a part of my process. I wish you luck and that you are healthy, just needing another test. Once you get the test results, then you can make a plan to deal, or to carry on as normal. If you search on my user name here you can see my journey which may help you – but again – wait til you have more tests and results. Best of luck to you!

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Don’t google. This happened to me too a few years ago, had to come back for an ultrasound, and then had to come back again for a biopsy, by which point I’d convinced myself I definitely had cancer. The biopsy found everything was fine. It’s incredibly common!

      3. Carrotstick21*

        I JUST went through this myself, to find out everything is fine. The waiting is hard but try to remind yourself that the follow ups are common and usually OK. I tried but it was hard; I didn’t really calm down until they said “we have good news.” The good thing is, they usually give you the results right away when you have the follow up. I’ll be thinking of you!

    4. WellRed*

      This happened to me this year, though it was communicated via telephone. I wound up getting biopsies and I am in the clear.

    5. Achoo!*

      Hey, me too! My follow up is around your time. I’m taking comfort from my cousin who is in health care and told me radiologists are very cautious, boobs often look weird for no scary reason, and being called in for a diagnostic mammogram is not uncommon.

    6. A Frayed Knot*

      Hang in there! As you can read, this has happened to many of us. If it is any comfort, the radiologist read the second screening immediately – there was no additional waiting for results. He showed me both scans to explain why the second screening was necessary. Thankfully, it was just dense tissue. I hope you get similar good news!

    7. Wishing You Well*

      Don’t panic. Lots of benign breast issues can require a follow-up.
      The wait is actually a good sign. If they thought you had something urgent, they’d get you in quicker.
      My neighbor found a lump and went ballistic. Turns out most lumps are benign, just like hers was. I feel bad for all the emotions she suffered until she was informed she was fine.
      Sending good thoughts.

    8. Blackcat*

      I know this is really scary, but I have actually pointed people in your situation to a resource I give my students learning stats. Link will follow in a reply.
      Here’s a quote
      “Suppose 0.8% of women who get mammograms have breast cancer. In 90% of women with breast cancer, the mammogram will correctly detect it. (That’s the statistical power of the test. This is an estimate, since it’s hard to tell how many cancers are missed if we don’t know they’re there.) However, among women with no breast cancer at all, about 7% will get a positive reading on the mammogram, leading to further tests and biopsies and so on. If you get a positive mammogram result, what are the chances you have breast cancer?

      Ignoring the chance that you, the reader, are male, the answer is 9%”

      2. Blackcat*

        Since the link will take a while to come through, that’s statisticsdonewrong DOT com, their article on p-values. I really like it!
        And stuff like that is why I am baffled my premed students have to take calculus and not statistics.
        But basically, the vast majority of women who get a result like that on a mammogram have a false positive. It’s also why, frustrating my doctor, I insisted on a repeat PAP after an abnormal one rather than just moving on to the next stage of testing (which is more unpleasant, and I can’t have local anesthetics, so it would have been particularly unpleasant for me). PAPs, like mammograms, have a significant false-positive rate.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Don’t google.

      Women who are 30+, have never had children and have a history of hormonal birth control use are prone to dense breast tissue. This is not a high risk by itself, just makes it harder for them to read the mammo. I fit all three conditions, have a benign growth in one duct and super cystic AND dense breast tissue, so I’ve had mammos and ultrasounds and a biopsy and all that jazz. Had to go through it all again right before Thanksgiving. (The doc did the ultrasound, told me it was all just fine, and I hopped up off the table and went I’M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD! Because I was legit leaving for DW the next morning. Heh.)

      It’s scary the first time, but like they say, it’s usually just needing a different angle.

    10. NB*

      Me too! I was called back for another look. It was so scary, but it turned out to be just fine. My doctor later put it in my chart that I have dense breasts. That way, they just do a more thorough screening the first time so that I don’t get that scary call back.

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        This is me, too! I wish they’d put it in my chart. I have to remind them. One time the nurse practitioner pressed down so hard on me during a routine manual breast exam that they were sore for weeks– and so I had the magical combination of dense inflamed tissue that often gives false positives on mammograms.

    11. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I am the only woman I know of whose mammogram technician mentioned this flat-out. She said I will probably get called back, don’t panic it happens all the time. She was right and I’m so glad she said something. I wish they all did.

      Don’t Google!

  42. Pharmgirl*

    Any suggestions for a good habit tracker? I’ve used Productive for a few years – I really liked that they had the option for frequencies like “4 times a week.” But they just had a major update, and the only habits that I can now see on my daily view are daily or once weekly ones. I also now have to swipe over several times to see my full daily view (the new update prioritizes time of day), and completing or skipping tasks has changed from a simple swipe to a swipe and click. I’ve been trying Habit List but it’s too simple – there don’t seem to be any stats for how you’re doing.

    So, what habit trackers do you use? What does it have that you like / dislike? Thanks!

    1. cat socks*

      I have one called Habits. It’s very bare bones, but free. I like it because you can add unlimited items. I think you can add reminders, but I haven’t tried that. I just go through at the end of the day and check off what I did.

      There is no account or login info and it’s not web based. If I get a new phone, I think I’d have to download my data to file and re-import it.

      I like it because it’s fairly simple.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I use Streaks. You can do “do this” or “don’t do this” or “spend x minutes doing this”, frequencies that are either x per week (or per day) or every x days. You can set it to remind you if you haven’t done something by a certain time. Some of the options auto-tick, like if my phone’s health app registers that I walked x steps a day the associated streak auto-ticks, or when my water tracker hits goal. It’s not free, but I’ve been happy with it.

    3. LibbyG*

      I’m not sure how well the features align with your needs, but I’ve used Tally and I like the interface.

  43. Courageous cat*

    So I’ve found lately that, at 32, my deodorant is starting to not work very well by the end of the day, even if I switch brands. Like, I genuinely have to shower after work if I want to go out, because I start to smell that much.

    The other day, I forgot my deodorant at work, and panicked but decided to ride out the rest of the day anyway… and I smelled 100% perfectly fine when I got home?????

    This must be caused by Big Deodorant, y’all. I’m perplexed. So now I’ve been googling and people are swearing by using either lemon juice or glycolic acid for deodorant. I’m trying the lemon juice today myself.

    Anyone notice any of this or try lemon juice/AHAs?

    1. mreasy*

      Anti-perspirant did that to me at one point – I used it for a long time before something flipped, and realized I was always damp and smelled bad! I started using natural deodorant only, and it’s not perfect but definitely better than after the anti-perspirant reaction. If you go the natural route, be careful about tea tree oil – some people’s natural body chemistry reacts oddly to it and it causes a bad odor (ask me how I know this, lol).

      1. Parenthetically*

        Almost exactly my experience except I switched to homemade deo (coconut oil, baking soda, cornstarch, essential oils of choice).

        1. Chaordic One*

          I find that I really need an “anti-perspirant,” instead of a mere “deodorant.” There used to be an anti-perspirant that used cornstarch as its main ingredient to absorb perspiration (I think it had baking soda in it, too). But I can’t seem to find it anymore. I hope that you’ll consider doing us the favor of posting your recipe.

          And if anyone has any recommendations for antiperspirants that DO NOT contain various aluminum chemicals that would be appreciated, too!

            1. Natalie*

              Nothing. Aluminum is one of the most abundant elements found on earth and you consume larger quantities of it than you’d find in deodorant. Absent a few specific medical conditions or an allergy, it’s essentially biologically inert.

              However, most “natural” deodorants on the market are aluminum free because it’s popular. Since aluminum salts are primarily an antiperspirant agent, it’s sort of like advertising candy as fat-free.

            2. WS*

              There was a scare in the mid 1980s that using aluminium on your underarms could have a link to breast cancer, and cooking with aluminium cookware could have a link to dementia. Neither turned out to be true, but the story still pops up every now and then.

            3. Chaordic One*

              I find that the various anti-perspirants with forms of aluminum tend to be irritating and they often give me a mild rash, so I’d like to avoid them if possible. However, I do often perspire heavily at times and I feel the need to use one, instead of a mere deodorant.

            4. moql*

              Some people are sensitive to it. You would know immediately if that were you though, if you switched from one to the other.

          2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

            If you need an antiperspirant, you may be out of luck. When I last checked, the only antiperspirants on the market were aluminum-based, which means I use a deodorant that does not contain an antiperspirant. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than getting a rash from the aluminum. (There are many worse allergies to have.)

            I use a Tom’s of Maine unscented deodorant, which works well enough, though when I was going to a gym, I absolutely had to make time to shower and apply more deodorant after exercising.

    2. Anon here*

      I might have to try this, I’ve also noticed I’m sweaty and stinky much sooner in the day than I’d like to be despite wearing fairly strong deodorant.

      Personally I’ve never tried natural deodorants, but some people who have say it works better if you do an armpit detox first (basically a mask for your pits).

    3. Ranon*

      My body does really well with citric acid (i.e. lemon juice) as deodorant (although I just use Tom’s of Maine because it’s easy, their main odor control ingredient is citric acid). It took a week or so for my body to really adapt but I’ve found that it does the trick and I don’t have to work to save my clothes from antiperspirant.

      As far as perspiration goes I’ve found growing out my armpit hair really helped control the feelings of dampness

    4. Merci Dee*

      Years ago I tried a salt crystal antiperspirant, and that stuff rocks. It’s easy to use – dampen the crystal with water, rub your pits, then hold up your arms for a couple of seconds until it dries (letting the skin dry after application is the most important part). I was completely free of dampness and odor for at least 24 hours; maybe could have been longer, but morning showers are to me what morning cups of coffee are to others: my primary waker-upper.

      I was really pleased with the results from the salt crystal, but I had to give it up after a couple of months because the salt was irritating my skin. Given my generally sensitive skin, I should have expected this result. But, of course your results may vary.

      1. Stephanie*

        I used the salt crystal when I lived in Phoenix–it worked great until it got super hot out here. Then I had to switch to the super strong spray. But would definitely recommend in more temperate climates.

      2. silverpie*

        I actually started making my own when they discontinued what I used: the salt-crystal stuff in powder form, mixed with cornstarch. Looking to start selling it, in fact, at the suggestion of my pedicurist friend.

        And /contra/ Ranon, I find that the hair makes it feel a lot sweatier.

    5. LQ*

      Sort of the opposite side from others the “all-natural” stuff just did horrible things to my body. I ended up going with a spray-on deodorant that is a pretty heavy-duty 48 hour one that works really well for me and doesn’t make me want to flay my own skin off. The spray part has been the biggest thing. The doctor I spoke with said that it may be due to different bacteria on different parts of my armpits and not spreading them around like a stick is more likely too. Not sure if that’s exactly what’s happening but it’s what’s working for me.

    6. Stephanie*

      I’ve used a baking soda powder paste in a pinch (as in, “Oh crap, I’m out of deodorant and I need to leave for work now and don’t have time to stop at CVS”). Sort of worked for me.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      An RN friend with several chemical sensitivities switched to Toms of Maine roll-on because she narrowed down to specific chemical. I use their unscented stick because their unscented really is.
      Also consider if anything in your diet & wardrobe has changed–I hate my BO if I’ve eaten garlic and worn polyester. And I hate to say this, but I noticed a strange unpleasant smell on my husband shortly before he was told he was pre-diabetic. When his sugars go out of whack, he has an acrid reek. So if that’s an issue in your family, ask your Dr at the next checkup.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Fortunate to have had an all-clear at my physical a month or so ago, so I’m good there. It’s so weird!

    9. Ginger Sheep*

      I haven’t had great experiences with natural deodorant : I tried the salt cristal ones and it really irritated my skin (and also only kinda worked), and my best friend uses a natural mix she makes herself (I know it includes coconut oil and baking soda, but I don’t know what else) and she swears it works wonders, but from the outside I find she has pretty bad body odour by the end of the day. I have no idea if her mix includes lemon/citrus, but I think not?

  44. Anony Venge*

    Anon for reasons. Family member I’ll call Nina was in a happy 5 year relationship with Stu. Lived together, got engaged, marriage ended less than a year since she discovered he was sleeping with many other women, doing coke, bingeing alcohol. He harassed her pregnant sister trying to apologize since Nina was having none of it.

    3 years later, post-divorce, Nina is diagnosed with cancer from the HPV Stu infected her with (she was a virgin till him). Luckily she’s in remission, and had to have an emergency hysterectomy with no egg freezing. Then she almost lost her job benefits due to being out so long getting chemo. She was offered a job by an A-list (think Honor Warren’s mom’s friend) celebrity but since it was only full time not part time she had to turn it down bc weakness post-chemo.

    Stu gave Nina cancer, cheated/used drugs/alcohol, robbed her of her ability to have kids or a fantastic job opportunity.

    Stu? He’s partner of a NYC law firm, new parent to a baby boy, newly married, and gainfully employed.

    How do I get over this feeling of vengeance? I have so much quiet simmering rage toward him.

    1. Diahann Carroll*

      This is horrible and your rage is warranted. That said, know that nothing you do to him will hurt him as much as his own actions will. People like him don’t change, and it won’t be long until he effs his own life up, and probably in spectacular fashion. Also, just because someone’s life looks good on the outside doesn’t mean that’s reality – he could be going through it privately and you’d never know. Focus on being there as a support for your loved one and just wait for Stu to self destruct because he will.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah this. Stu is a terrible person, and he will self destruct.

        You or Nina might like this site:
        https://www.chumplady.com/

        I don’t know if it helps or not, but last time I was really angry at someone who caused negative things in my life, I had a whole story line going about the person getting fired, etc. It made me feel better thinking about it (it didn’t happen, of course), but you do want to try to not dwell on it too much.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Ugh, all the sympathies.

      I’ve found it helpful when dealing with feelings of futile rage against a Big Bad to find something good to put into the universe. Can you volunteer at a women’s shelter, or donate needed supplies? Can you do a cancer walk or a small fundraiser in Nina’s name or in her honor?

    3. ThatGirl*

      I am so sorry for what your friend has been through.

      I will say that hpv is incredibly common, 80% of the population has it at some point, and men generally don’t even know they have it. Only a few strains contribute to cancer risk. For all of his horribleness, he didn’t knowingly give her cancer.

      2. Fikly*

        But in order to get HPV, he was having unsafe sex, while also having unsafe sex with his partner (who did not know he was having sex with other partners, and thus could not consent to the risk), and could have potentially passed on anything from minor STDs to HIV.

        It’s knowingly endangering her health, even if he didn’t anticipate this particular result. It’s not like he chose to only get HPV.

          1. ThatGirl*

            He’s an asshole of the highest order, but there’s not even a screening test for hpv in men, he would almost certainly not know he had it to pass on.

            1. Fikly*

              Except to get HPV, he was having unsafe sex at some point in his life, and I guarantee this guy did not disclose that to his partner.

              1. ThatGirl*

                I’m not defending this guy but you seem to be missing the point, anyone who’s had sex with anyone could have hpv, he could’ve been in a completely faithful monogamous relationship and still have carried it from a previous partner, and had no idea he was carrying it.

                1. Fikly*

                  Not anyone. Only people who were having unsafe sex. And if you’ve had unsafe sex in the past, you have an obligation to disclose that to new partners before having unsafe sex with them.

                  The point is, he took risks, and then put his new partner at risk, without her consent.

                2. Gaia*

                  Fikly, HPV is incredibly easy to transmit and incredibly hard to detect. It can be transmitted even via safe sex.

              2. Courageous cat*

                Absolutely not, you can get HPV from having perfectly safe sex very easily. Please stop spreading misinformation about STDs – even if it just comes from ignorance, it can be harmful, and things like this do nothing to stop the stigma.

                1. coffee cup*

                  Thank you. This is why those of us who have one end up with anxiety about telling others, because the assumption is that we behave a certain way (not that there’s anything wrong with doing that if all are happy!).

                2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

                  And this is why cautious educators refer to “safer” sex; condoms won’t protect from HPV, and there might be some virus that we don’t have a test for because we don’t yet know it exists. (The HIV virus seems to have first entered a human population in the 1920s.)

              3. Jackalope*

                HPV is not prevented by condoms. It is one STD where the only sure way to avoid it is either never having sex or only ever having sex with one other person who only ever has sex with you. Condoms can reduce the risk but it can be spread by means such as hand to genital contact that condoms and other barrier methods can’t protect against. Not to say that this guy wasn’t a complete jerk, but he could have had nothing but safe sex with all of his partners and still contracted HPV.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Not necessarily, he may have had it before they were married. Again, very very common, not in the same class as most STIs, usually causes zero symptoms in men. Look, I’m not saying he’s a good guy, I’m saying he didn’t “give her cancer.”

          1. ThatGirl*

            Just to addend, he did knowingly expose her to potential STIs for sure. But you can’t even screen for HPV in men.

          2. Fikly*

            He did give her cancer. Not knowingly, but he did directly give her HPV which gave her cancer. If he hadn’t exposed her to his STD, she wouldn’t have had cancer from the HPV. You don’t have to know you’re doing something to someone to do it to them.

            1. ThatGirl*

              The knowing part matters, and my point is to both destigmatize hpv and maybe help Anony Venge let go of some anger on that point. Be mad because he cheated and lied, sure. Exposed her to possible STIs, yes. But people with hpv (again, 80% of the population and it often clears on its own) don’t go around intentionally giving people cancer.

              1. Fikly*

                Ignorance of the law is not a defense, so why does not knowing he had a STD excuse him?

                There’s a reason manslaughter is a crime, you know. And why drunk drivers go to jail for killing people.

                I’m not trying to stigmatize HPV. I’m trying to stigmatize exposing your partner to any STD without their consent. Because how do you know that the only STD you are carrying is HPV? Do you really think this guy is the type to get a STD screening?

                1. Gatomon*

                  It’s not a crime to give someone an STD, nor is it a crime to cheat on someone. Equating passing on an STD with manslaughter or a drunk driver killing someone is hyperbolic and detracting from your point, which I hope is that it’s wrong to cheat on someone and not that “unsafe sex*” is wrong.

                  *The only “safe” sex is no sex. Condoms, the best defense I know of against STDs for PIV sex, are not 100% guaranteed even.

                2. Super Awk*

                  It doesn’t even have to be unsafe sex in the way that we tend to think of it. I’ve only ever had safe sex (i.e. used a condom when having heterosexual penetrative or oral sex) and I was diagnosed with HPV. I asked the doctor if I should tell my ex-husband who I was no-contact with, and she said effectively ‘you can, but we don’t test straight men.’ (I still told him) She also could not tell me how I could protect my female sexual partner from contracting this. All this is to highlight for anyone reading this thread that there is a LOT of misinformation and misunderstanding about HPV in particular. The man in this story took, in my opinion, unacceptable risks with peoples’ well-being by not being honest about what he was up to. But getting rightfully angry about that does not excuse us from the responsibility of making sure we are accurate in what we communicate to others, especially when it concerns something that still carries a lot of stigma.

                3. Courageous cat*

                  Your responses in this thread are frankly bad. If you have sex with anyone who’s not a virgin, you’re exposing yourself to the threat of STDs. Period. Full stop. It’s the risk of being human. There are no tests for certain STDs in men either. This is really fearmongering as hell.

                4. coffee cup*

                  Hello, you can receive an STD even if you’re ‘safe’ and think you’ve done all the ‘right’ things. This is something that happens when people have sex with other people. Please stop spreading misinformation.

                  I do feel incredibly sorry for OP’s friend and this is in no way any response to what she’s going through. I do, however, get tired of this belief that only ‘unsafe’ sex leads to STDs.

              2. Super Awk*

                Following on from my other reply – I should have been more clear: I had safe sex in the way that I was taught sex could be made safe. Older and wiser, I realize that risk is a spectrum and no doubt some of my ‘riskier’ practices led to me getting HPV from one of my (very small number of) sexual partners. I was certainly shocked though when I found out: I would not have put myself in an ‘at risk’ category at all. That’s why I want people to think a bit more broadly about this particular STD, because it can have extremely serious consequences.

        3. KoiFeeder*

          HPV infects areas not covered by standard condoms. He could have been practicing perfectly safe sex and still caught the disease.

      4. Observer*

        So? The fact is the he messed her life up. Getting into whether her “meant” to give her HPV is not really the point here.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      When you feel especially vengeful remind yourself that time is on your side. This guy’s life story ain’t over yet. You show just a few years out of his life. I’d bet my last chocolate donut that he’s got a lot more going on and it will come back to haunt him.

      1. Miranda Priestly’s Assistant*

        Yeah. I highly doubt he is going to suddenly settle down now. He is going to continue his shenanigans and it will blow up in his face.

    5. NaoNao*

      This may or may not help, (and is VERY dark) but google this article title “The Lawyer, the Addict” by the NYT. It’s a harrowing journey through one man’s deepening addiction and eventual overdose. The author finds that many, many lawyers are deeply addicted to drugs and/or alcohol and many die from “suicide on the installment plan” or even just suicide.

      What looks like a wonderful life on the outside (high powered job, new wife, kid) may in fact be anything but.

      I do NOT feel sorry for this guy, but the job, wife, and kid may or may not be making him actually happy, especially if he were/is an addict with self-control issues.

      1. Anony Venge*

        Thanks–this really does help a lot.
        I wonder how long his veneer of perfect baby, perfect wife, perfect life will last…….

  45. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Now that Christmas is behind us… what Christmas songs/carols followed you around the most this year? I’m always amused that every year, I seem to get trailed by a different Christmas song over and over, and this year, it was, of all things… the one with the verse about figgy pudding.

    I heard it constantly. And I got the wrong lyrics in my head incessantly. “So give us some figgy pudding, so give us some figgy pudding, so give us some figgy pudding, and lots of cold beer.” Aaargh!

    I also made the mistake of telling someone that I didn’t mind “Last Christmas” by Wham because it made me think of my sister–who was obsessed with George Michael–and from that point on, it seemed like either that song or the figgy pudding song was playing every single time I walked into a store.

    Strangely, this year, I hardly got “Winter Wonderland” — my least favorite Christmas song by miles — at all. I think I heard it once, and that was in November. I also never heard “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” or “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” or that version of “Jingle Bells” with the dogs barking that radio stations tend to play when they truly get desperate, a single time.

    Either way, a few more days in “Auld Lang Syne” purgatory and it will all be done for 10 or 11 months. Which makes me quite happy.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I got that in my head for awhile and I STILL can’t remember any of the specific gifts beyond “five golden rings.” Six through twelve always blend together in my mind.

    2. Jdc*

      Rudolph the red noised….ugh still in my head. No idea why. I have some favorite Xmas songs but that isn’t one.

      Also it’s a joke in our house that if i hear the vitamin water commercial I’ll be singing it for days.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        “Rudolph” really grinds my gears. The other reindeer bully Rudolph, then suddenly become brown-nosers when Santa picks Rudolph as his favorite. I kind of hate “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Thankfully I only heard that one a few times this year, too.

    3. Merci Dee*

      I don’t mind Auld Lang Syne, since I had to learn the words for a choir performance one year. But one of my favorite end-of-year songs is Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg. It’s a melancholy song, for sure, but has some great things going on melodically, especially in the last verse. Unfortunately, as I think of it now, I haven’t heard it once on the 80s channel on Sirius XM this year.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        “Same Old Lang Syne” is actually the only end-of-year song I can think of off the top of my head, besides Auld Lang Syne. You’re right, it’s a depressing song, but it’s appropriate as I always seem to find New Year’s a disproportionately depressing holiday.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Jinglebells has superpowers as an earworm. Try playing a rock song on your device to drive out a tune that’s possessed your brain!
      P.S. I love mondegreens. They’re more fun than the correct lyrics.

    6. LGC*

      I got Whammed halfway through December, around the time that the 4K remaster of “Last Christmas” came out. (George Michael’s hair in high definition is a sight to behold.)

      I ended up posting about it (and misquoted Jurassic Park in the process), and for a week I was suggested articles about the remaster.

    7. T. Boone Pickens*

      Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas seemed to follow me quite a bit. Thankfully there are enough versions of it that it didn’t get too annoying.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have an inexplicable love for music older than I am so I’ve been listening to an HD2 radio station that does songs from 50s & 60… one exposure and I’ve had James Brown in my head ever since: “Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.”
      I got Whammed, early too, but in total only 3 times so it wasn’t stuck in my head until now because of James Brown.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        “Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto”?! How have I lived almost 40 years and never heard of this? That sounds like an experience.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Worth listening too… a wonderful “please take care of the innocents”, and there’s a verse that admits he’s making his OWN eyes water.

    9. Chaordic One*

      One that sort of stuck in my head AND that I misheard the lyrics of is “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” For years I always thought it was a horrible song. I misheard the lyric that goes: “Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore.” I thought they were singing: “Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days, up yours.”

  46. Jdc*

    I had never thought about the wheelchair person but ya I’d probably tip. A bus driver? No. For some reason that feels weird to me but then again I’ve never taken a bus.

  47. Jdc*

    I’m feeling a bit bummed because husband got me one gift. I’m all for the thought but basically it’s exactly what I said i wanted, in the wrong color. It could be $1 I just would prefer something he thought of. I sat there for an hour watching him and son open over $1500 worth of gifts I bought with my fun money while I had one. I did have a talk once I calmed a few days later. Just said it made me feel left out, which can be the case since it’s my step son. They have their own life pre me and he totally includes me but in my own head I sometimes feel like an outsider. That part is not husbands fault. When we dated he was very thoughtful with gifts and I know he used to get his ex a lot. I don’t need a lot just something. Something I guess to make me feel like he knows me, cares. Heck a bubble bath. Anything. We communicate fairly well so I doubt it’ll happen again but for sure made my Xmas a little less jolly.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Why are you talking yourself out of your own emotions? Your husband was really thoughtless and your feelings are hurt. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or that your relationship sucks, it just means that he was really thoughtless and your feelings are hurt.

      I don’t think you need to protect him or yourself from your feelings. “This made me feel excluded from your special gift-giving, overlooked because the one gift you gave me wasn’t thoughtful, and unreciprocated because I put a lot of money and thought into your gifts,” is a reasonable thing to say. It’s also reasonable to say, “AND I FEEL ANGRY ABOUT THAT.”

      1. Jdc*

        I for sure wasn’t trying to talk myself out of it just explaining that he doesn’t make me feel left out with stepson. I just do sometimes. Some of that is them being into video games and Star Wars and such.

        I for sure let him know I’m hurt. He got the message. He tried to argue a bit that “but this” and “because of that” and I shut that down because a.) you have a year to shop and b.) it didn’t have to be anything expensive just something thoughtful.

        I did go buy some self “from him” a sweater and some pants today. Didn’t intend to but found a cute boutique on my way home.

        Christmas otherwise was lovely but that for sure made it a bit difficult

        Also having some stress over possibly adopting my sisters baby. Very long story short she’s just over 1 year old and my sister doesn’t do much to care for her. They live in another country. We will take her in a heartbeat but sister has to agree to it. It was hard for me to see her doting on baby for Xmas when she hadn’t even been in the same room with her in a month because she pawns her off. I know if that’s meant to be it’ll happen and I’ll be on the first flight if it happens but i can’t force her to do that of course.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ohhh…. so you have more than one example of this forgetfulness (thoughtlessness?) running at the same time. That usually makes things even worse.

          As far as the husband, mine was not really good at the gifting stuff. So the solution seemed to be that we either a) set a spending limit for the year or b) purchased one gift together with each paying half. I did end up making myself take a hard look: we bought what we needed as we went through the year there was never any problem with that. No spouse does everything well, each spouse falls down somewhere. And I include myself as one of those spouses who did well at some things and fell down on other things.

          Sis and baby. I am on the other side now watching a Person who did not have time for their kids while the kids were growing up. Now the kids are adults with children of their own. They want nothing to do with Person. And Person can’t understand for the life of them why the adult kids are ignoring them. why. why. why. It’s an endless loop of psychological torture for Person. But the adult kids had that same loop as they were growing up, “Why is Parent ignoring us? why,why, why.”

          1. valentine*

            Remind him he gave you thoughtful gifts when you were dating and tell him he needs to come up with stuff the three of you can do together and help you think of stuff to do with stepson just the two of you.

            Do you want to add another child to your family (with all the fallout, and will you be resentful if sister becomes the favored doting aunt?) or are you projecting a feeling of neglect?

        2. Not A Manager*

          That’s so rough about the baby. It’s very loving of you to want to adopt her. Such a tough situation.

          1. Jdc*

            I truly want mom to take care of her but I am here at a moments notice. It seems it will go that way but I do hope not for my sister and her baby. We are adopting any which way but when my father explained this situation and that the baby would end up with him it was clear what we’d do.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I sympathise. Although I got presents I’ll use, they were all kitchen things from my very long and detailed and varied wishlist, which feels a bit reductive, and not for *me* exactly. Also I guess three is better than one, even though I’d wrapped around sixty for everyone else including inlaws.

      Spouse realised he’d messed up as he kept opening small but well-aimed things like the chocolates he likes, or a shirt the right shape. And it doesn’t matter, but it does matter.

      I went to the shop and bought myself the chocolates I like and a new $CheapGadget. Do you have enough fun money left to do similar?

    3. cat socks*

      I would recommend reading the book Five Love Languages. You said you’d like your husband to do things to show he cares about you. It seems for you, gifting may be one of those things.

      It may help for you both to read the book to identify what types of actions signify love and caring to each other.

      And I’m sorry you had a crummy holiday.

      2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        The quizzes are available at the end of a quick Google. I agree they allow useful insight – it enables you to think “this behaviour means he loves me” even if it isn’t your favourite.

      3. Arts Akimbo*

        Love Languages is very helpful. For me, I could not care less about special occasion gifts, and I genuinely cannot envision what it would even be like to care that much about them. I mean, they’re nice, but not required. Spouse and I know we love each other, and apart from that, we buy stuff we need and want for ourselves and for each other during the year, and I don’t really see why certain days have to have this enormous extra stress attached.

        But I had to learn how to do the gift thing for other people! Because for other people it’s a more effective way to express your love for them. And I DO love them, so I want to show them in a way that means something to them! :)

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Consider NOT exchanging gifts with husband. Spouse and I do that out of convenience and it works for us. (Our place is also stuffed full. Don’t need another thing.)
      Sounds like there are other issues you might want to explore further, maybe with a professional.
      Sending internet hugs, if you want them.

      1. Jdc*

        We discussed not exchanging but the experience gifts weren’t really in our price range. Three new cars needed, one down, adoption, a house, a move. I wouldn’t have been as bummed if we hadn’t discussed it before hand. I talked to him about how it wasn’t the money just one thing thoughtful. I love the small boxes of Godiva chocolates they pre package for Xmas/$20.

        I have read the love languages and we’ve talked about it. I’m grateful we communicate fairly well but we cannot be in each other’s heads. He knew i started shopping crazy early. I like it all done before thanksgiving and to just relax and cook after that. He had time. He mentioned something about valentines and our anniversary a month later and how he’s already on it so I do think he got the message. I waited until I was calm and just explained that it made me sad. I’ve been wearing the robe he got me non stop because, frankly, it’s awesome. So I wanted to make sure he knew i truly did like and appreciate the gift.

        So here’s what I suspect he’s getting me for our anniversary. I love stacked bands for rings. So my wedding band is a 3/4 infinity and the plan was to add some bands to it. My ring and band and platinum but I like the mix of yellow and rose gold. I’m betting he’s getting me a band to add which I am so excited about.

        I think it’s the most difficult to be frustrated when you know someone wasn’t trying to upset you. My ex, he was clear he didn’t care. My husband I have to remember that his intent is always good. But with that knowledge have to explain what I need.

        For those who mentioned we have been in marriage counseling since early on. Nothing was wrong when we started but we felt it would be a good idea. Of course life happens and sometimes we can’t go often but we do it for a check in, an outside pretty, a safe place. It helps. I would never be in a relationship again in my life without it. We are not prefect people, we need guidance.

        I’m all I had an awesome Xmas outside of that one frustration. Step son was here this year, he is usually at moms, so I made it big. He was soooo excited about the New Beats headphones. I got a free pair with my laptop and have been saving them for months even though I so wanted to give them to him when his were acting up. He loves blankets so i got him a cozy one. Other stuff too.

        Sadly my mother in law wasn’t there because her husbands supposedly gone brain tumor is back and he only has months. She drove him to Texas to see his family. They intended to stay a while but are already home. He didn’t fare well on the drive. She’s been an amazing MIL and I hate to see her experience this pain. They’ve been together over 35 years.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          ‘I’m betting he’s getting me a band to add which I am so excited about.”
          Maybe discuss this with him even if it spoils a possible surprise…it would be a shame if he has a good way out of the doghouse that he doesn’t know about.

        2. ...*

          totally not the point of your post but mixing gold bands next to platinum will horribly scratch the gold as plat is so much more dense, can be avoided by putting a super thin gold/silver buffer band between the two

    5. Not Alison*

      This being mad that husband doesn’t get me the gift I want makes me scream! My husband does NOT like shopping for gifts and really doesn’t like going out of his way to purchase something he thinks I would like only to find out I don’t like it. So we have resolved the situation by him giving me the amount of money he would spend on gifts for me and I buy what I would like (and probably wouldn’t spend the money on myself) and wrap them and unwrap them on Christmas and my husband is always very interested to see what I unwrap and shows proper enthusiasm for the gifts. Result – – I’m happy, he’s happy.

      If what your husband is doing doesn’t work for you, figure something out that will work and STOP COMPLAINING!

      1. ThatGirl*

        that’s not really helpful, she’s allowed to be upset. I’m glad you figured out a system that works for you but that doesn’t mean it works for everyone.

      3. curly sue*

        Buying for yourself works if what you want is the actual item. It does not work if the thing you actually want is a sign that the giver has spent time considering you and your needs, and evidence that they have paid attention to the things you like. For some people, the gift is an object. For others, the gift is a symbol. Neither viewpoint is superior to the other.

    6. Jackalope*

      My worst Christmas gift experience was from a few years ago when I got together with my family (parents, siblings, and niblings), and out of the 11 of us I was the only person with ZERO presents. There were good reasons for it – my parents had told me up front that they were getting me one bigger ticket item that I needed to help pick out and we didn’t get time to shop for it before our gift exchange, and both siblings had gotten me presents that Amazon delivered the day AFTER we did this – but it was still an awful day. I took myself to a local store selling My Favorite Thing and let myself buy any two as a gift from me to me, so that took some of the sting out of it (and of course once the gifts arrived I felt better), but still. So I feel lots of sympathy! Hope he manages better next year!

    7. Filosofickle*

      Ugh, I feel you. My partner told me on Monday that he hadn’t bought anything for me. This was not entirely unexpected – last year he forgot, too but he was going through a crisis and I waved it off. Then he said he’d go to the mall. There is simply nothing for me at the mall. In the end, I directed him to a fun indie store that has tons of great stuff so I wouldn’t end up with department store jewelry.

      I’m not huge into gifts, I don’t actually want or need much. But getting one good gift does matter to me because it makes me feel SEEN. I feel understood, remembered, planned for. Like I’m worth the effort of finding something special. I love giving, and am really good at it so I’m not ready to fully say let’s skip gifts just to let him off the hook and avoid frustration.

      I can put this in perspective. Lots of people suck at giving gifts and it’s not a deal breaker. He’s very good with the day-to-day actions of making me feel cared for and seen, so that matters a lot more than once a year. But I was still disappointed.

  48. chi chan*

    Can anyone recommend soothing songs to play while doing chores? Something like Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      “As You Go” by Jess Penner
      “Ex-Factor” by Lauryn Hill
      “In My Evolution” by Emily King
      “Night Go Slow” by Catey Shaw
      “Soft Stud” by Black Belt Eagle Scout
      “The Sound That Love Makes” by Sarah McLachlan
      “Speakeasy” by Maria Taylor

    2. tangerineRose*

      This isn’t a song, but I sometimes turn on a recording of the TV show Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe, and sometimes that seems to give me more incentive. Almost anything he’s doing on that show is much more awful than any chore I have to do.

    3. Jackalope*

      I go on YouTube starting with a song I’m in the mood for and let them do their auto play after that.

  49. Dear liza dear liza*

    In an effort to break my recent couch potato ways, I’ve joined a boot camp-type gym. Day 1 was hard but good. I went the very next day and it was capital H hard, but I still got it done. And then the next day I woke up with my muscles screaming at me. I could barely walk. Ah, good old delayed onset muscle soreness!

    So my question is for those who have moved from a sedentary life to a boot camp: what’s the best approach so I make progress without crippling myself?

    1. Stephanie*

      I would make sure you don’t go too hard at first and incorporate rest days. Having done this before (and doing it again currently), you want it to be tough, but not impossible (or you won’t stick to it).

        1. Stephanie*

          I’ve aimed for 3x a week, with 1-2x days off per visit, if you’re doing something high-intensity like HIIT. I got an overuse injury from not giving myself rest between workouts.

    2. '*

      For me, DOMS tends to last 2 days – so I’ll take 2 days off if I’ve just worked a new muscle group. If you go regularly, you’re unlikely to see too much soreness after the first week. Are you going to one of those hour long type things that combines cardio / weights? With something like that my ideal would be at least every other day. The one I’ve signed up for is only 8 classes a month, so I can’t go as often as I’d like, and I’m not great about working out at home.

      I think maybe you could start with a 2 day break between gym days, and once you feel more comfortable with the workouts, increase up to every other day. I’ve also had someone recommend 2 days on / 1 day off for a little more intensity.

    4. Aly_b*

      Rest days! Your muscles need recovery. Every other day at the gym is usually a good start, rather than every day, or if you’re going to do every day incorporate some variation, with not every day being a full body strength based workout. If you’re signed up and committed to going every day for the boot camp thing, I would just focus on doing what you can that day, not worrying about if you could lift more last week or whatever. You’re present, you’re moving, and all that work will show up with results once you’ve built up a bit and also recovered enough. It is pretty typical that a workout will make you sore between 12-48 hours after the workout itself, so you might always just feel it more the day after or the second day after the workout, and that’s fine. Warm up well, and if you haven’t done this kind of workout in the past you’ll start to learn how the usual soreness feels and hopefully it just starts to feel like you are satisfied having done a good workout.

    5. S*

      I would also suggest a good stretching session or a short walk on your rest days. I find those really help me shake off the soreness in preparation for my next workout.

  51. Anon Here*

    I met my cousin’s 1-year-old daughter for the first time and she seemed kind of skeptical of me. She actually gave me a look that made me think, “This child sees the evil deep within my soul.” This is not unusual for babies, right? I know some are more outgoing and some are more reserved, just like adults, but it’s common for them to be suspicious of new people and take some time to warm up? She’s a great kid and I hope that in time we can be more like friends.

    1. LQ*

      Even babies have personalities. Some are really shy and suspicious and only want the people they already know. Some will go to anyone. A lot of it will be in how the people she trusts respond to you as well, but not all of it. I have a cousin who is super outgoing and has a painfully shy and withdrawn daughter. But once you get her talking she will not stop and it’s all hilarious. You just have to be willing to sit quietly and play with the toys yourself for a while before she joins you.

      Spending more time with them matters a lot too. Yay for new human who is skeptical :) you kind of want to encourage a little of that.

      1. fposte*

        One of my favorite babies was like that. She also recoiled at baby talk. However, she really loved it when I briefed her on work issues, so we had a fine time.

        1. Diahann Carroll*

          She sounds like my niece. She’s five now, but she always asks me, “Soooo, how was work?” in her very exaggerated way – and she actually expects me to run through my entire work day. Then she says something like, “That sounds difficult,” or “That sounds boring.”

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          +1

          And they warm up soonest to the people who backed off and respected their boundaries.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        You sound cheerful, but this question asked seriously can be a sign of PPD or worse. If you do find yourself asking it and meaning it, please reach out to your primary care team!

        Hope it was just a fleeting “heck, this baby is being an a-hole” moment (we all have them).

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      This is also a developmental stage that babies go through at a certain point, when many of them aren’t fans of strangers. It’ll change again later when they’ve grown a bit.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Completely normal.

      I find that the best way to get standoffish littke ones to warm up is parallel play. Greet them warmly and then be busy doing something irresistably interesting, like eating a snack or playing with something shiny. Kind of like meeting a cat.

    7. Anon Here*

      Thank you all! I’m going to see her again soon. She’s almost two now. She’s like a little adult. She’s very serious. She kind of studies everything that’s going on and seems to be a keen observer. At one point, she pulled a book off of the shelf, got out a crayon, and seemed to be trying to take notes! She’s quiet, but she seems to be listening. And her attitude was like, “I don’t know about this new person! I’m going to cuddle with my mom and my grandmother!”

      Maybe I should get her a holiday present? What do 20-month-olds like? Our family’s kind of bookish and religious; cerebral and spiritual and not inclined towards having much stuff. But maybe she would like a little stuffed animal or something?

      1. misspiggy*

        A little stuffed animal would be delightful. If the Jellycat brand is available where you are, it will probably go down very well indeed.

        I’ve found that shy, reflective small people may react to gifts with apparent suspicion or blankness. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love it, it’s just that they take time to adjust to anything new.

        1. Another Academic Librarian*

          Jellycat or Gund stuffed animals are great and would be a great choice. (Many stuffed animals are recommended for ages 3+, but both of these brands have many 0+ options that are free of choking hazards.) Perhaps a stuffed animal and corresponding book?

          At that age, she may also like small toys with wheels, simple puzzles, play food, stickers, etc. Melissa and Doug and Fisher Price are pretty solid brands for kid’s stuff.

      3. it's all good*

        my oldest DD’s favorite gift at that age was a plush Spot and a Spot board book. Carried them everywhere and she “read” it to soothe herself. You niece reminds me a lot of my DD. (At her 3rd birthday party, she excused herself after about an hour and went to a corner and read and then observed the party. She is in her 20’s now and very self aware of her needs and taking care of herself).

    8. Daffy Duck*

      Oh yes! Very normal. Give her time to get used to new people. Say hello, then back off a bit, let her approach you on her terms. Parallel play, like drawing or sorting blocks, where you aren’t interacting directly is excellent.

  52. I went to Paris!*

    I ran away to have Christmas in Paris this year – what a wonderful present to myself!

    Thank you to everyone who took time earlier in the year to suggest Paris ideas – I saved them all and have been enjoying doing many of your suggestions.

    The strike has been a little difficult but I love to walk so have managed fine – I didn’t risk taking a scooter through the Paris traffic though plenty of others did!

    Highlights for me – a 1920s writers’ walking tour, a theatre visit, some wonderful bars and restaurants, lovely vintage shopping, and time snuggled up reading and writing myself.

    1. Diahann Carroll*

      That sounds AMAZING. God, I want to do something like this next year, but I have to focus on paying down debt *sigh.*

  53. Running Running*

    After 10 years I stopped paying my student loans. I just stopped. I couldn’t take the suffering anymore. And I know I’m going to be forced to have to pay it again but I feel like I appreciate so much more of my life now. Yeah it is scary to know they’re going to come after me but I actually appreciate my life now. Because the money I make is actually going to take care of me now. Even when I have a bad day.

    I now own two dresses instead of one and the other day I went out her restaurant and actually ordered a drink. I signed up for a gym. It’s crazy how wealthy you can feel to just be lower middle-class but not have this monster take everything you own. I’m even looking at ways I can build a business because before even $100 investment in something small would’ve giving me anxiety for months because it would’ve meant I would have had to sacrifice. Do you know what you can buy for $100?! Certificates, and signing up to work for things like task rabbit, and trinkets to resell. It’s crazy how wealthy I feel and how many opportunities I feel like I have. I know it’s not going to last but maybe I can find a way to have another source of income before they come for me.

    1. NewNameTemporarily*

      I have to warn you… my husband stopped paying mine (without telling me) and by the time “I” found out, the student loan agency had turned me over to collections. An agency / attorney who was heartless. I wound up paying (and having to beg the school, the courts,and borrow from my family to get a settlement amount and out from under)… and it cost me 4x what I originally owed when he stopped, by the time the 20 years later was up. Literally, they were going to hound me and keep me on “X” a month UNTIL I DIED (and I’m retiring). I kid you not.

      SO DO NOT run away from it. Refinance, figure something out, but do not ignore them. The servicing agencies are pussy cats compared to the collection agencies, who have NO SOULS. The interest rate, PLUS COLLECTION FEES they added, really did mean that EVERYTHING I made for 10 years – including MAJOR gift (in the five digits) from my mom, went to get them off my back. I’m still waiting for the final shoe to drop (it has been 10 months)… I keep expecting some last contact.

      I can’t make up for the lying spouse did (and yes, that was a minor item compared to it all)…. but the pain of that was significant.

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      If your student loans go into default, don’t even *think* about ever borrowing money to start or fund a business. And if it all gets to be too much and you decide to declare bankruptcy. . . you can’t include the student loans. It’s worse than owing the IRS.

      From the internet:

      If you default on your student loan:

      Your loans may be turned over to a collection agency.
      You’ll be liable for the costs associated with collecting your loan, including court costs and attorney fees.
      You can be sued for the entire amount of your loan.
      Your wages may be garnished.
      Your federal and state income tax refunds may be intercepted.
      The federal government may withhold part of your Social Security benefit payments.
      Your defaulted loans will appear on your credit history for up to 7 years after the default claim is paid, making it difficult for you to obtain an auto loan, mortgage, or even credit cards.
      You won’t receive any more federal financial aid until you repay the loan in full or make arrangements to repay what you already owe and make at least six consecutive, on-time, monthly payments. You will also be ineligible for assistance under most federal benefit programs.
      You’ll be ineligible for deferments.
      Subsidized interest benefits will be denied.
      You may not be able to renew a professional license you hold.
      You may be prohibited from enlisting in the Armed Forces.
      And of course, you will still owe the full amount of your loan.

      And, like NewNameTemporarily said, it will end up costing you 4x your original amount.

    3. Meepmeep*

      It’s a false sense of peace. My wife is on the other end of that. She had 20 years of hiding her head in the sand and pretending her student loans did not exist. Now she’s in her 40s, we have a kid, and we can’t buy a house. We can’t even start saving for Kid’s college. Yeah, the wife had 20 years of pretending to be solvent, but it was only pretense and now the loans are 50% bigger than they were 20 years ago.

      I highly recommend Dave Ramsey, stat.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        +1 on Dave Ramsey. He has a lot to say on how to handle student loan debt.
        Hope you can get out from under this debt!

    4. Ginger ale for all*

      I have one full time job and two part time jobs. That is what gives me peace, not pretending that there isn’t a problem. Please think about ways that you can increase your income so you can be on top of things. Perhaps you can live in a cheaper area, get a roommate, cut out some tv or internet access, get a part time job, etc. Best wishes for a brighter future.

      1. Meepmeep*

        And track your debt. I have a graph going on, and track the total debt balance as it goes down. I also have a little egg shape drawing on the wall and we color in a part of it every time we pay off a portion of the debt.

      2. Running Running*

        I have 5 roommates. I live in the worst area. I don’t have tv. Everything I own fits in two suitcases

    5. chi chan*

      I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and anxious about your debt. It is hard to forgo small luxuries. But please don’t do this. At least not indefinitely. I will give you some resources to help. This guy paid of his loans by having housemates and doing landscaping jobs in spare time. https://nomoreharvarddebt.com/
      There are small ways you can make money if you have a car; Uber, Instacart, skipcart. Just pick one day a week to do it. Babysitting, dogwalking as well. You can sign up on websites and pick up a few gigs. But give yourself rest days and rewards. There is AirBnb. You can rent out a room or can lead an activity like a bike ride around a city for money. Some people lead walks on meetup for money, or teach pottery or some other activity.
      See if you can find mental health support somewhere. Does work have an EAP? Or post here regularly. Reddit is also helpful. https://www.reddit.com/r/selfimprovement/, https://www.reddit.com/r/theXeffect/, https://www.reddit.com/r/financialindependence/, https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/.
      Sending you love and support.

      1. Running Running*

        I don’t have a car. I couldn’t be approved bc my debt to income ratio was too high. It’s probably going to take me years to be able to save up to buy one. I can’t get another job because it already takes me hours to get there to the one I have. I thought about moving but that would cost money too. I don’t know what you mean by rent out a room. I live in a place with five roommates. My life for 10 years has been staying at home and having no social life. My job doesn’t have EAP or insurance. Believe me I’ve called the crisis line because when your student loans take everything that you have to live for, not paying them for a couple of months feels like I’m saving my life.

        1. ...*

          Could you use the public library to access the internet and spice up your resume and apply for closer or higher paying jobs? Could you refinance the loans possibly? Could you do extra work online? A gofundme for living expenses while you pay off debt? What about food and hygiene essentials from a food bank or shelter… That could get you ahead or fill the gaps in your living expenses.

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Do you qualify for any income based repayment plans? I was nearly suicidal thinking about my repayments but then discovered that I qualify for a plan where my payments are so low they are virtually nothing. I am able to spend my limited income on my actual life and I have not defaulted on anything. Be sure you have investigated all your options before you do this.

  54. Pennalynn Lott*

    I am so very angry right now. My mom, who lives with me, has once again tried to put two meals’ worth of leftovers down the garbage disposal. The last time was also on a weekend. Pretty sure the time before *that* was on a weekend. Plumbers and drain cleanout folks charge extra on the weekend, if they’re even available.

    The first time I was polite and explained that garbage disposals are for the little scraps of food left on your plate after a meal, not for disposing of entire meals. And I paid for the plumber. The second time, my partner got super angry and yelled at her, reminding her of garbage disposals intended use. And I paid for the plumber.

    This time, I am trying not to scream my head off at her. She treated the whole thing as a joke at first. My partner has a habit of whining to me about “your mother” so she told me about the clog by saying, “‘Your Mother’ clogged the kitchen sink.” And kind of laughed. JFC, going without a kitchen sink for the entire weekend is not a laughing matter! I’ve called four plumbers / cleanout companies and all say that they’ll put me on standby but that it’ll probably be Monday. No matter what, she’s paying for it, limited Social Security income or not.

    Oh, and she tried to deflect blame because some greasy sludge came out when I tried to bust the clog using my manual auger. “[Partner] is *always* putting grease down the sink!!” Yes, Mom, that may be true, but the sink was working just fine until you tried to put several whole, boneless chicken pieces, four cups of rice, and a cup of peas down the disposer ALL AT ONCE.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Tell your mom she can’t use the garbage disposal at all anymore. If necessary, tell her she can’t use the kitchen sink at all. It doesn’t have to be punitive. Frame it as, “it’s hard to know what this disposal can take, and it’s not fair TO YOU that you will have to pay from your limited income to repair it.”

      Your partner might be laughing about the sink because last time she yelled and that’s not cool. She might be detaching because she’s not really in a position to manage your mother.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Partner is a guy. He’s actually my ex-boyfriend but we still live together while we figure out how to disentangle the business we own together.

        And it was my mom who was laughing when she announced that she clogged the sink. It was kind of, “Tee-hee, look what I’ve done. It’s a teensy, funny thing.”

        1. Not A Manager*

          Sorry for the mis-gendering. I misunderstood the sentence about “your mother clogged the sink.”

          Also sorry that your mother is so difficult. I can tell you’re on your last nerve with both of them.

          1. Pennalynn Lott*

            No worries on the misgendering. I realize I wasn’t typing the best of sentences and can see how I goofed that whole retelling up. :-)

        2. Jules the 3rd*

          My great-grandmother did stuff like this on the grandparents’ farm – giving the baby chickens a huge pan of water that would chill / kill them, letting the geese / pigs out of their pasture into the wide world. Every time you told her ‘don’t do x’, she’d wait until everyone was gone and go do x.

          Based on the stories, my mom and I think it was deliberate, that she was ‘getting back’ at ‘her mean kid’ (grandma) for ‘telling her what to do’. This was in the 1940s, but she was in her 80s at the time and probably had dementia.

          You might want to talk to a medical professional about this, as possibly a symptom of something bigger.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Have the plumber remove the disposer?

      Why does mom keep doing this? Is she unwell? Is she trying to antagonize you? Can mom pay the repair bill?

        2. Pennalynn Lott*

          I’ve wondered about early-onset dementia, but then scenes from my entire childhood and young adulthood flash through my head of my mom being told one thing but then her deciding that she knew better and flat-out did the thing she was told not to do.

          Case in point, when I was in my early 20’s I moved out to California. My mom rode with me in my 1971 Camaro. It rode low to the ground because it needed new shocks. I got sleepy and asked Mom to drive for a bit. We were on a black top road that had ruts from where thousands of car tires had driven, so it had a high spot in the middle. Picture driving on a W with the high points of the letter being the side of the lane, the middle of the lane, and the shoulder of the road. I was driving on the high points to keep my car from bottoming out. I had explained this to her while I drove, then explained again when she took over the wheel. I fell asleep in the passenger side and then — WHAM!! — I was jolted awake and thought we’d gotten in a car accident. Nope, my mom, who thought she knew better, drove in the ruts and ended up ripping off a bunch of stuff from the underside of my car, rendering it undrivable. In the middle of nowhere.

          I have that same rage right now. She has done this all her life. Yes, she was an alcoholic. Yes, she has narcissistic tendencies. Yes, she has been diagnosed as bi-polar. She takes meds, has had decades of therapy, and has been sober since July 1979. It’s like she gets a kick out of willfully disobeying people. Or that she really, truly thinks the rules don’t apply to her. Or. . . f*ck I don’t know. But I know that it’s almost the same mental disorders and disordered thinking that [business] Partner/Ex-BF has and I’m mother effing sick of both of them. I am so tired of being the only adult in the house. I am tired of having to think 20 steps ahead of everyone. When my mom said she was going to throw out the chicken and rice, I actually had the thought, “I should tell her not to put it down the disposal.” And then I countered it with, “It’s not my responsibility to manage other adults.” Except, SONOFAB*TCH, it is.

          Ex-BF will be gone by next fall, for sure. Maybe it will be easier to deal with my mom when there’s only one of them.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, right, I’d forgotten about your mother. Oof. Yeah, you don’t have great choices here, unfortunately.

          2. Blackcat*

            I just want to say… it’s okay to kick her out. You do not have to support her.

            If you haven’t checked out resources for adult children of alcoholics, there may be some good advice there.

            1. Pennalynn Lott*

              Thanks. I’ve been down the ACoA and Al-Anon route several times over the decades, plus years and years of my own counseling. I’ve got boundaries in place. One of which includes, “We all make mistakes and I am lenient and forgiving on the first one. But when you’re on the third exact mistake, you’re paying for it. I am not responsible for cleaning up your messes for you.” Nor am I responsible for her emotions. She’s sullen and mopey right now. If I was still in my 20’s (I’m 53) I’d be doing everything possible to try to make her feel better. Nope. Not anymore. Now I’m venting on the internet and getting ready to finish my Harry Potter marathon.

            2. tangerineRose*

              If there’s some way she can live on her own, maybe she should. She sounds awful to live with – maybe she should have to take care of herself and be away from your sink, etc. so she can’t mess it up.

              1. Pennalynn Lott*

                89% of the time she is a wonderful roommate. She helps take care of the pets, feeding them, cleaning litterboxes, washing cat food bowls, etc. If I’m working long hours, she does my chores without me asking.

                There’s just this weird space where she deploys Magical Thinking and is quite certain that her way is the Right Way. It’s usually around shortcuts. Like, it would have been more effort to take the rotten leftovers out to the big trash can but I can 100% guarantee that she didn’t have the thought “Aha! Pennalynn has told me that the disposer is for tiny scraps but I’ll chance it with this big tub of food because I don’t want to walk outside.” It’s like she genuinely believes it’s the right thing to do.

                I’ve accepted that it will get worse as she gets older (she’s 74) and I’ve already started looking at daysitters for her. I work full-time with a 2-3 hour daily commute (for now) and manage the household — which means I manage her, ex-BF, the pets, and of course myself. I don’t have a ton of time to research what would be the best intervention for her. And I don’t make enough money (yet) to hire someone to do it for me.

                I’m just frustrated. I was hoping that ex-BF leaving for a week would give me the break I’ve been longing for, so today’s clusterfudge was just a bit more than I could handle. I don’t normally get so angry that I take to the internet to get it out and talk myself down.

                P.S. Grammarly is telling me that this post sounds “egocentric”. Damn right it is! >:-D

          3. Not So NewReader*

            Just my belief and from personal observations so nothing scientific going on here.
            But I have seen a correlation between that stubbornness earlier in life and dementia later in life. I doubt dementia occurs in one day or one week. I have concluded that some folks spend a life time painting themselves in to a corner. Just to be clear: SOME folks. It’s like they chose everything that can find that is detrimental to their well-being and they do the detrimental thing all under the heading of “I KNOW what is best for me. I don’t have to rely on advice of others.”

            I read an Eastern saying once that so resonated with me. Please excuse, this is not exact. “Which is stronger the oak tree or the willow tree?” The answer is the willow bends when there is a storm and loses a few branches but returns to upright after the storm passes. The oak tree remains rigid and unyielding. The storm breaks the oak in half. The oak tree is dead.

            My wise friend used to say, rigid people are rigid because of an overwhelming need to protect themselves. They don’t even know what they are protecting themselves from sometimes. In the end, they wind up the most fragile among us. To this I add, but by that time they have totally burned out everyone around them.

        3. valentine*

          Why does mom keep doing this? Is she unwell? Is she trying to antagonize you?
          Yes. And do you need a contract that says she will pay in future and is that enforceable?

          Sit her down and ask her what the payoff is. (And also maybe why she’s throwing out so much food!)

          1. Pennalynn Lott*

            The food was ex-BF’s and it was rotted, as most of his food ends up. He got on a plane today to go see his parents so my mom was happily getting rid of all his rotted and moldy food. We do this every time he goes out of town because he RAGES if we throw anything of his out, no matter how slimy it has become. (Though he tosses our stuff out left, right, and center simply because “it was in there for a week.” He is my ex for a reason).

      2. Pennalynn Lott*

        You know, at this point I don’t care if she can’t pay for it, has to put it on a credit card, and it ends up costing her $400 (twice the plumber’s charge) by the time she gets it paid off. She sucks on hundreds of dollars of nicotine lozenges every month (she literally has one in her mouth every waking moment unless she’s eating) so maybe she can wean herself off that drug to pay for it.

        1. StellaBella*

          Oh dear – reading your stories, I am sorry. I am not sure how old your mom is, or if she has insurance, etc – but a general health check may be needed – not just for cognitive functioning but also maybe. she may need some other help too. Clearly her obstinate ways of doing things and ‘opposite doing’ of those things you have told her not to do are concerning as she is behaving as a child would – it seems to have gone on all her life, and I would wonder why? In any case, good luck with this situation and the future, too.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Sometimes I think garbage disposals exist for the sole purpose of making plumbers money. I’d remove the thing on the third service call. (I’ve had to call twice.) No food ever down the sink might be the best solution.
      Sorry about your situation.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Thanks! The professional drain cleaner guy said that parts of Europe are moving to ban garbage disposals. I can see why.

        But my dad owns a home in San Francisco that he rents out that doesn’t have a garbage disposal. One set of tenants improvised by flushing their food scraps down the toilet. Causing my dad to have to go out there a couple of months to unclog the pipes. He said it was the time that partially-eaten chicken wings came out of the clean-out valve that he’d had enough and started eviction proceedings. (Other things were going on, like super late payment of rent).

        Lazy humans can be very. . . clever.

          1. scarlet magnolias*

            Maybe Rebecca and Pennalynn ought to put their respective mothers in housing together. Those 2 ladies make my horror show of a mother look good! They are both so kind and patient, me…….not so much

        2. Natalie*

          Of course, if he had put in a disposal they probably would have just clogged that stuffing chicken bones down it. People think drains are magical.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Re: grease down drain

      This isn’t primarily what you asked but grease is super bad for drains and pipes. I pour mine into an old soup can that I keep in the fridge until it’s full and I throw it out. My parents use an old coffee can (like the Folgers type that has a lid) and keep theirs on the counter. You can still pour the grease in the sink to avoid spills/burns but most of it should go into a melt-proof receptacle that can go in the trash.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        We pour ours in cat and dog food cans and then throw them away when the grease congeals. And by “we” I mean me and my mom. Ex-BF will pour, say, bacon grease in a cat food can, but then he puts a little hot water in the pan and simmers it to loosen the remaining grease and crispies. And then pours that greasy watery mess down the drain!! I keep telling him to wipe the pan out with paper towels and throw them away but he b*tches about how expensive paper towels are. I promise you, we’ve never gone through $235 [yesterday’s cost for the drain cleanout] worth of paper towels by wiping out greasy pans in the entire 17 years he has lived with me. But we sure as heck have paid that much 1-3 times/year every year for professional drain cleanout services to remove the greasy sludge that has built up. He’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. My pipes (and I) will be so much happier when he finally moves out.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If he hasn’t seen news stories on London’s ‘fatberg’ problem it might be an eye-opener.

  55. valentine*

    Sometimes I can’t turn my Android phone on or off. I have tried pressing longer and pressing toward the top of the button, but nothing. Other times, a mere brush works. What can I do?

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Who is your provider? I would take it to their phone store and see if they know what might be wrong.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      What’s your model of phone? That seems wrong. Holding the power button should give you the option to power it off, and holding it even longer should force the phone to power off or reboot. If sometimes a mere brush works, it sounds as if there’s some kind of hardware failure (contact between the button and whatever circuit board it’s connected to). You can get an estimate for a replacement, but, depending on what phone you have, it may be cheaper to just get a new or new-used phone.

    3. fposte*

      Has it been bent or dropped at all? Maybe it’s not contacting the way it should. I had a bent phone and it wasn’t worth the grief.

    5. retirement is all it's cracked up to be*

      Maybe it’s the case? Sometimes they slip out of proper alignment….

    6. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Well – for a short term fix, you can always take out your battery but it sounds like long term there’s something wrong with the power button.

    7. Observer*

      What model do you have? Most phones will allow you to power off or restart the phone from the software.

  56. Fikly*

    Oh, what a week. Warning for whinging.

    Gifting/family disappointment! My abusive mother, who I keep in very distant contact with, talks a lot about how she wants a relationship with me. She asked repeatedly about specific gifts I wanted, and I told her two things (and gave her strict boundaries on the spending limit of a gift card, because no way was I accepting 6k from her, hah.)

    I generally am annoyed by people who want specific gift requests, when they are only giving gifts to a few people, because to me, part of giving a gift to someone you know is demonstrating that you know them. I realize not everyone feels this way.

    Regardless, she also bought me a book. A book that, if you only read the title, might be something I’m interested in. But if you spent 30 seconds reading the summary, you would immediately realize I’m not the target audience (it’s directed at the producers of x, not the consumers, and I am a consumer and she 100% knows that. Summary was: This is a problem that the produceres have, and this is what the producers need to do to solve it.). So, yeah, confirmed that while she may claim she wants a relationship, she is uninterested in putting in any work to having one. I knew that already, but yeah.

    I also, because this is my life, messed up my knee on my weight bearing leg on Christmas Eve (has been evaluated, probably nothing torn, MRI in two weeks if no improvement). And I may mildly concussed myself this afternoon, 5 months after my first concussion, which was a bad one. I’m in complete denial over that, but the symptoms are compelling. Oh, and I’m just about to hit week 6 of continuous anaphylaxis, and my insurance denied the medication my allergist thinks might stop it.

    And to top it all off, my gaslighting jerk of a roommate texted me about how I’ve been lying about my injuries, and how it’s unreasonable that I’m not able to clean the common areas (I’ve been paying to have them cleaned, but that is not enough to satisfy him!) and apparently even if my injuries are real, what really matters is that I don’t want to clean the common areas? Also, apparently me not being able to take out the trash because crutches is outrageous, and so I’m not allowed to put trash in the kitchen trash.

    I’m moving out by the end of January, and he texted me a demand to have my bedroom/bathroom cleaned, and said he got a quote that it would cost $2000. Not in a million years would it cost that much. Of course, I was already planning on doing this. He then demanded to know what my plan for this was, so I told him it was the same plan as before, but I wasn’t obliged to tell him what it was, and given his behavior toward me, I wasn’t going to tell him.

    There’s nothing legal he can do to me, and if he does something illegal, I will not hesitate to press charges. I’m not going to let him abuse me.

    1. Signal*

      That all sounds just awful. I’m sorry your mother is dismissive of your needs. Maybe it provides useful information regarding whether *you* want to form a closer relationship with *her.* Still, it’s disappointing information and it stinks.

      Messed-up body and roommate: isn’t it great how other people assume they know our bodies better than we do? I don’t understand this logic, but have been subjected to it and I empathize with you. I’m glad you’re leaving soon!

      Have you considered telling your doctors about this latest maybe-concussion, because it might affect memory and the way you keep track of medical issues? Doctors might ask different questions (or prompt answers differently) if they are on the lookout for another concussion. So sorry this happened!

      1. Fikly*

        Thank you.

        I am completely uninterested in a relationship with her. I have long since grieved and moved on. However, she abuses out of her own mental illness, and I keep very loose contact in case she manages to get help and change her behavior, because it seems the decent thing to do, and I can maintain that level of contact while keeping myself safe.

        I will report the new head injury to my concussion neurologist on Monday. Already noticing some cognitive issues, unfortunately. I just cannot even with this.

      2. Observer*

        I wouldn’t give the guy even that much credit. It’s clear that even if he believed Fikly, it wouldn’t matter because his wants and desire to mess with others wins out.

  57. Rainbow Dash*

    My happy moment came yesterday. My 5 year old was diagnosed with ADHD and I made the informed choice to put her on medication. We’ve talked about race car brains- how they speed around, how they come up with new ideas so easy and how they need a little extra care. (We live in a town that is know from it’s racetrack, so it seems a good comparison.) She turned to me and told me the medication makes it easier for her to stay in her seat, on the rug and to behave in other classes.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Aw, good for your little driver! To extend the metaphor – does she know that it’s okay to check in with her pit crew for a tune-up if she starts to feel weird or like it’s not working so well?

    2. LilySparrow*

      Oh, that’s great! It’s so important for her to feel successful. It’s really hard on kids who are always getting in trouble, even when they didn’t mean to be naughty.

  58. Merci Dee*

    Sorry, y’all, but this turned into a book.

    The trials of raising a teen aged girl ….

    So, my daughter is 15 and a freshman in high school this year. It seems that she’s found a boy that she’s interested in. I’d generally be okay with this and largely keep my nose out of it, except for one thing. This boy gets on my last nerve, and I feel that he and I are going to be due for a big talk after the first of the year if he doesn’t push up the time table.

    This boy is only a few months younger than my daughter (Sweetheart for easy reference), so he’s still 14. He wants so hard to impress Sweetheart, which I totally get. I try to make allowances for that, and not take most of what he says too seriously. Even though I sometimes want to laugh my head off when he tries to “I’m-not-yet-a-mansplain” stuff to both Sweetheart and me. Like, little dude, I am literally three times your age right now, and you’re trying to school me on any aspect of being a functional adult? Nice try. But, like I said, I can make allowances for stuff like that even if I almost choke trying to hold back my laughter.

    What I cannot make allowances for, however, is a troubling tendency he’s shown lately of showing up at my house with absolutely no notice. Sweetheart asked if she could invite him over one Saturday before Thanksgiving; sure, no problem. He came over for about an hour and a half, and then we dropped him at home on our way to take care of some errands. About 2 weeks later, he asked if Sweetheart could go over to his house for a visit. I wasn’t so thrilled about that idea, simply because I’d never even met his parents and had no idea if they were okay with a visit and would be there for the duration. But it turned out to be a moot point anyway, because I had to take Sweetheart to the urgent clinic that Saturday morning and she was too sick to visit. We figured she’d just tell him what happened at school on Monday, but, no … mid-afternoon there’s a knock on my door, and he’s standing there asking if he can visit since Sweetheart hasn’t come to his house. I told him that he couldn’t come in because of her illness, and they talked through the screen door for a couple of minutes before he left.

    I didn’t think much about it, until he randomly showed up at my house again the next weekend when Sweetheart and I were getting ready to leave to run errands. This time, when he showed up, I was back in my bedroom in just undergarments, pulling clothes from the closet to get dressed. I was going to talk with him about how he needed to make prior arrangements or to call before he came over, but he was gone by the time I was dressed.

    I ended up taking him and Sweetheart bowling last weekend before Christmas, but a migraine ended up cutting that excursion off after they bowled two games. On the way home, he just casually mentioned that he’d plan on coming over to visit on such-and-such day – not “can I come over”, but “I’ll be over”. I shut that down hard. Probably a little harder than necessary because the pain and nausea from the migraine were getting hard to handle at that point, but I let him know we were busy between Christmas and New Year with family stuff, and then left him to collect his moped and head home while I scrambled for meds and a dark room.

    So. I have a feeling that he’ll probably randomly show up next weekend. And that’s going to require a pretty heavy talk. He needs to know that any time he shows up out of the blue, he won’t be allowed to stay and visit. Maybe I’m old fashioned, or my parents were, but they taught me that you don’t just drop by someone’s house at any old time. You call and set up a time for a visit, because you have no idea what people are dealing with at any particular time and you could be catching someone at the worst possible time by just banging on their door. Also, I will impress on him in no uncertain terms that he absolutely will not come knocking on my door for a visit when I’m not home. I’ve already talked with Sweetheart about it, and she knows the door doesn’t open for him if I’m not here. I’d like to say that I don’t think he’d try anything untoward without a chaperone, but something about this kid trips my gut reaction and I don’t feel comfortable leaving Sweetheart alone with him. So I’m honoring that feeling even if my conscious mind hasn’t yet worked out what my subconscious has picked up on. (Thank you, Gavin de Becker and The Gift of Fear for that one.)

    As I’m typing this, I’m wondering if what’s gotten me uncomfortable is that he’s already demonstrated a lack of barriers by stopping by unannounced a few times. Maybe. But it feels like there’s something more significant than that. He’s told me some stuff about himself that just seems weird. His parents don’t seem to be aware of where he is most of the time, as he told me he goes for walks around the area whenever, wherever. He walked over for his first visit, and I found out when I took him home it was almost five miles away. But, hey, no biggie because his folks didn’t care. That got some side-eye. He’s also talked about the past couple of girls he’s “dated”, and how they were all crazy. You guys all know how that works – the only thing all his previous relationships had in common is him, so maybe the other partners weren’t the problem. I mean, as far as pre-teen relationships can go.

    Good grief, why can’t my kid stick with her video games and leave the boys alone?? Kidding ….. kinda.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      It sounds as if there are two main issues here:

      1. You don’t like how his disregard for your rules and norms impact you.
      2. You’re concerned about how he’s going to treat Sweetheart.

      I think for the first one, it’s perfectly okay for you to mention this to Sweetheart and let her know what’s okay or not for her boyfriend to do, since it doesn’t sound as if you’ve had a good opportunity to talk to him directly about it. You also mention that you haven’t really met his parents/guardians. Is there a way to establish some kind of (even logistics-oriented) relationship with them?

      For the second… well, he’s likely a douchebag but hopefully in just a minimal way that most het teenage boys are douchebags. Maybe he’ll say she was “crazy” after they break up. Maybe he’ll mansplain her (and you). But hopefully he isn’t super abusive and rapey. Whether he breaks up with her or she breaks up with him or they have a “mutual” amicable breakup, she’s likely going to be hurt by this relationship but, again, hopefully in a “normal” way that people are that’s just part of growing up and not in some more damaging ways.

      That said, it’s perfectly okay to have rules about them not meeting when you’re not home, but as long as you realize that isn’t actually preventing them from doing anything sexual. If they want to have sex, they will find a way to have sex.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I have to say, sex is one of the areas I’m not quite as concerned about with her right now (from a consensual standpoint, anyway). Right now, Sweetheart identifies pretty strongly as asexual, and has talked with me several times about having a complete lack of interest in sex. Now, I realize that she’s 15, and that the playing field can change at any time. And I’ve assured her that being ace is fine (as I identify that way myself), and that it’s also fine if she discovers that her needs and preferences change down the road. She seemed to be pretty open to discussing these things with me for now, thank goodness. But I am very well aware that kids will find ways to do what they want to. I’ve seen that play out with her in a few smaller scale and low stakes scenarios in the past.

    2. Cat*

      I think behavior from a 15-year-old is not the same as an adult male. I don’t see why you have to have a heavy talk about not showing up unannounced – just say he needs to call first. If he doesn’t respect it that’s different but plenty of kids are used to just showing up at neighborhood friends’ houses and seeing if they’re available. It’s different than an adult doing it.

      And probably your daughter should be doing this interfacing rather than you.

    3. valentine*

      Trust your gut. And your migraine. I mean, your brain went two games before giving him a hard no. I would have Sweetheart tell him he needs your permission to visit. (She should already have done this.) What you have in your favor is that you are the attending parent. You can insist on meeting his parents, maybe the next time you drop him off, or at least speaking to them. You can get their side of “We don’t know where he is and walking five miles every weekend is no big deal.” It’s possible because sexism, but you want it from the horse’s mouth.

      Showing up unannounced is possessive and dismissive of the fact Sweetheart has her own life. You don’t want to start finding him on your porch, having waited hours for you. He’s acting entitled to her space and time (and yours!), and that’s disturbing. It would be (only slightly) different if she agreed and were begging you to cancel plans so she could hang out with him on his schedule. This seems (heavily and oppressively!) one-sided, though, which is partly in your favor. The part that’s not in your favor is if he gets wild when she dumps him.

      1. Merci Dee*

        She has told him this in the past, but there’s been a time or two when she’s texted me from school to ask me if he could come over afterward, or if he could come visit on a weekend when she knew we had plans, and I shut both of those down. In both cases, I asked about it after I got home, and she said he was pestering her so much about it that she texted me because she knew I’d say no. So she’s tried to tell him this at least twice in the past that he hadn’t been willing to hear until it was confirmed by me.

        Dang. The more responses I read, the more incidents it reminds me of, and the less I like this kid.

        1. tangerineRose*

          “at least twice in the past that he hadn’t been willing to hear until it was confirmed by me.” That’s concerning, too. I mean maybe he figures that she’d want him to come over, but…

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          :-/

          A friend of mine has a password with her kids that’s basically the kid specifically flagging for mom “please say no to this because I don’t know how to get out of it myself.” (Maybe it’s a specific emoji? I forget the exact details, but you get the idea.)

          1. Merci Dee*

            I like this idea. I think we’re going to have to set one of these up before the weekend is over. Thanks for the idea!

            1. BRR*

              Ooh I think this is a great idea. I know someone who uses something like Oreos so their kid can say “ooh can you pick up Oreos at the store.”

          2. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

            My parents did this for my sister! She had a “friend” who could be pretty mean, and my sister wasn’t always up for spending the night at the friend’s house. So if she asked “Can I spend the night?” it meant “I really want to”, but if she said “Friend asked if I can spend the night” then it meant “Please say no”.

            It gave my sister a safe way out of fraught social situations without the difficulty of maybe blowing up her social life by having to assert that SHE didn’t want to spend more time with the friend that day.

        3. Observer*

          That his parents let him come and go as he pleases does not bother me so much. But THIS is a major red flag. So much so that I’d have a talk with her about this. Sweetheart deserves to have her friends (and boyfriends) respect her no. The fact that he pesters her so much and that he won’t accept HER word as sufficient is incredibly disrespectful.

          Ask her to think about why she accepts such misbehavior towards her.

    4. Zona the Great*

      This seems like a perfect time for SH to practice setting and protecting her own boundaries. I think she should be having this conversation with him herself, with you present or nearby if you want. I can’t stand drop-bys by anyone so you’re right to shut this down now. I ended a 15 year friendship in which I was resentful of her and her drop-bys for all of those 15. Most of that time I was living at home and I could’ve used a lot of support in setting boundaries but my parents weren’t really around much. Your instincts are correct but let her take the lead.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Your comment about letting Sweetheart have this talk with him reminded me of something that happened, but didn’t get put in the original post.

        After his first visit to the house, Sweetheart came to me to ask advice about what she should do – he was talking about her being his girlfriend, but she didn’t feel ready for that because she’d had a bad experience with a boy she liked in an earlier grade who turned into the grade’s biggest bully. I told her that everything she’d told me was really good and compassionate, and that she had the right to set her own boundaries. So she told him she wasn’t comfortable with the way things were progressing and she wanted to put the brakes on. He told her that he needed some time to process, and I told her that she needed to respect the boundary that he had put in place, because she couldn’t tell him that she didn’t want to be his girlfriend but still nip at his heels to get him to talk to her. This conversation happened at a pretty ideal time – the weekend leading into a whole week off for Thanksgiving/fall break, so they’d have more than a week to let the dust settle. She seemed pretty relieved about things, but when school started back, he was back to calling her his girlfriend, etc. I asked how she felt about that, and her answer was just a shrug.

        So another example of him ignoring boundaries.

        1. irene adler*

          Shrug?
          Is Sweetheart learning the ‘fine art’ of acquiescing to the male of the relationship?
          Hope not. This is one ‘fine art’ that needs to die.

          It is okay for the female to insist that her boundaries/requests be respected. She should not feel like she will be ostracized by her peers for this.

          1. Merci Dee*

            I agree that it needs to die.

            I told her during the Thanksgiving week break that it takes two people to consent to a relationship and only one to break it off. I’ve told her that I have some reservations about this boy, but that she has to make some relationship decisions for herself. And that I’ll support her if she feels she needs to pull out of things. But I don’t want to push it too hard, for fear that she’ll double down just because of teenage and stubbornness.

            Good grief, how do parents get through these years??

            1. KoiFeeder*

              My dad gave me a knife at my 13th birthday party, which was attended by a majority of my classmates. “For boy troubles,” he said. For some reason he was later surprised that no boys ever wanted to date me.

              More seriously, though, I think teenage years are tough for everyone. There’s a lot of awkwardness involved as everyone adjusts to the new parameters. You can’t really go wrong with modeling good behavior and being supportive of troubles and boundaries alike.

    5. Merci Dee*

      I got to thinking about the comments saying that Sweetheart should probably be having this conversation with him, and about setting and protecting her boundaries, etc.

      That’s a hard no – I’ll be having this conversation with him about unannounced visits and not coming by when I’m not home. Mostly because it’s not a matter of Sweetheart’s preferences and boundaries, but because it’s about my boundaries for what I will and won’t allow in my home. This is a firm house rule, and since those rules are made by me, I need to be the source of notification about them. I generally try to hang back and let Sweetheart take the lead on things in her life, but I can’t abdicate responsibility for her health and safety under the guise of letting her create and enforce her own boundaries. This one has to be on me.

      And, for what it’s worth, Sweetheart has told him before that he’s not allowed over without supervision, but I would feel better hitting that point again in our conversation.

        2. Merci Dee*

          Thanks, Zona and SAHM!! I think I’ve got a good handle on the mundane aspects of motherhood by this point, but when stuff like this comes up I mostly feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants. O_O.

            1. Merci Dee*

              I’m grateful I’ve got level headed parents that I can talk to when I feel like I’m out in the weeds on some situation Sweetheart throws at me. They let me vent and grumble when I need to, and then get me to focus back on what’s important.

      2. coffee cup*

        I think you sound great! It must be challenging to have a teenage daughter, especially when this stuff comes up (I had no interest from boys growing up, so my mum escaped this one!). I think you’re completely right, though, that you need to be involved in the boundary-setting. I don’t think doing this negates your daughter’s agency at all. She’s still a child, you’re still her mum, and you have the experience to know when something feels ‘off’.

        1. Merci Dee*

          I have to say, between raising my 15 year old daughter and my almost 10 year old son, the son has been easier. That’s mostly because he’s a cat. ; )

          And thanks for understanding that experience counts for something in a situation like this. The big problem is, I see my daughter following the same path I did when I was her age, and I imagine everyone else did, too. Basically, about the time she hit the tween years and started edging into puberty, I miraculously turned dumb as a brick overnight. It doesn’t matter that I’d been around for almost 40 years at that point – I was just too stupid to understand how the world works, I had no idea how hard school can be, and my head was basically up my ass when it came to boys and figuring out if they like you. So while I might, in reality, be her best source of advice and help if things go sour, I’m also immediately suspect as a resource because parents-are-dumb. No worries, though! Once she hits about 30 years old or so, I’ll once again magically gain all the wisdom I’m lacking right now. I’ll be smart enough to do things like tie my own shoes again. Hmmm. Maybe the reason I’ve been rocking so many different slip-on shoes for the past few years is because I’m not smart enough to tie the regular ones yet …… :)

          1. coffee cup*

            Ah yes! I weirdly was the opposite. For too long I assumed what my mum said was correct. Not that she’s wrong on loads of stuff but I kind of absorbed her experience and opinions a bit too readily. Took me a while to realise that we are very different in terms of generations, really. But I think I am unusual in that respect…

            It sounds though as if she does still trust your judgement deep down, when she’s aware that you can help to get her out of situations she might not be that happy about (e.g. texting you because she knows you’ll say no).

      3. Laura H.*

        Yeah I agree about your being the one to address the problem of not-yet-boyfriend coming over unannounced.

        That’s a problem regardless of age, gender, or relationship/ lack thereof. That’s a lack in basic etiquette (ok maybe not but it’s somewhere between ‘please and thank you’ and knowing your way around fine dining.) that you as the owner/ keeper of your home need to… well drive home to this boy. Your home is your space, and not for someone else to come into as they please.

        I’m in a family unit that doesn’t do a ton of hosting to a ton of different people. Those we do host are usually my brother’s friends who play and visit, or my friends who pick me up for a lunch date. (All involved are adults) I ask first, let my folks know who’s coming and approximately when, and that suffices. I as a person don’t like drop in visits and like a little planning, would find just that aspect of your situation maddening. All the other stuff would put this kid on my “up a creek” list. (If he pulls himself together he might have a slim shot at good graces but SLIM)

        Good luck!

        1. Merci Dee*

          We don’t really do a lot of hosting, either. Mostly because I definitely don’t have the energy to do it after work, and I generally look at weekends as my time to recharge and do/not do whatever I want. Sweetheart has a couple of friends that she’s known since her early years, and her best friend is the sweetest girl and I would be happy to just have her move in with us because I think of her as my own. Those particular friends of Sweetheart are always welcome in my home … but I also know from experience that they will call before they stop by. These young ladies are generally kind and thoughtful of others, and in my mind their calling ahead is an extension of that.

    6. BRR*

      I’d probably start with it being a more casual chat that he can’t stop by unannounced and I agree that it should come from you. Escalate if ignored. I’d have a longer talk with your daughter about boundaries. It’s tough to tell how much is just him being awkward and how much is sexism.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I encountered that “how much is competitive kid/how much is sexism” thing at the bowling alley. Sweetheart absolutely mopped the floor with him in the first game. Mopped, waxed, =and= buffed it with him. It was a pretty substantial win. And he definitely didn’t like it. Took it kind of badly. But he won the second game …. and was taunting her when her ball would go into the gutter, etc. Basically being a jerk. It’s crappy to see a kid who’s a sore loser, but even crappier when the kid’s a sore winner. Bleh.

        1. irene adler*

          Sounds like this kid just wasn’t given much guidance in how to conduct himself as a proper young man. Hopefully he’s not too far gone. And hopefully he’ll heed your words of wisdom, and subsequently endeavor to ‘up his game’.

        2. Observer*

          You know, it really doesn’t matter if it’s sexism, being a jerk or just being badly schooled. His behavior is rude as all get out, to put it as kindly as I can. And it’s not something that anyone should feel like they have to accept.

          This reminds me of all the letters we see about how someone is “nice” or whatever positive adjective EXCEPT blah, blah, blah – and all the blah adds up to VERY *not* nice. It would be SO good if SH would think about why she likes this boy, and whether it’s time to rethink her assessment.

    7. Courageous cat*

      For what it’s worth…. I think a lot of this could *potentially* just be chalked up to dumb 14-year-old boy stuff. None of this seems overwhelmingly egregious/red flag-y to me. If he were 16-17 it’d be different, but at 14 I don’t feel particularly surprised.

      1. Blackcat*

        Yeah, I mean, it’s on the edge. I say this as someone who taught sophomores for 4 years, so I know my 15 year old boys well.
        This kid probably has been raised to think that if he complains/asks enough times for stuff, he’ll get what he wants. And… that’s the way things work in some families.
        He needs to learn that that doesn’t work in adult relationships. Or it shouldn’t. And it’s a shitty thing to do.
        Now, while he needs to learn this, it is not your daughter’s responsibility to teach him. Nor is it yours. Primarily it’s his parents, secondarily it’s his teachers/coaches/other Official Adults In His Life.

        I’d give it 90% odds this is normal behavior that is easily fixed, but as a parent and survivor of teenage sexual assault, I don’t think I could live with that 10% chance, you know?

        I wish someone had told me that the boy who pestered me about random stuff and ignored my “no” for stupid things (like, no, I do not want that pizza) was showing troubling behavior. Maybe the warning would have done nothing, but maybe I wouldn’t have given in to his demand to drive him home the day he raped me. I was 16, he was 15.

        Regardless, I’d have a talk with your daughter about how people who don’t respect boundaries–any people, not just boys!–are generally not great friends. And if they try to push past a no, they’re the jerk, not you for enforcing it.

        1. Merci Dee*

          Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you went through that assault.

          You’re exactly right, though. It’s that 10% I can’t ignore, and it’s yelling pretty loud at this point. The thing that kills me about it is, if I did ignore it and it grew into a problem, my daughter would be the one paying for it. That bill is just way too expensive for my comfort.

          2. Blackcat*

            This is going to sound super weird, but in many ways, the experience shaped my life in such a way that if I could go back and change things, maybe I wouldn’t. I don’t know. It was hard for the first five years or so. But if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have joined a support group in college, and met the friend who introduced me to my husband. And, perhaps weirdly, my core group of college friends were all connected in some way to that support group. These are the close friends I’ve now had for over 15 years, friends I love. I got a lot of good help to get through it, and I’ve taken care of my mental health pretty well since, generally being proactive (I posted below about how I dealt with the aftermath of witnessing/providing aid during a bad accident–the PTSD I referenced there was from when I was a teen). If treated, some trauma can become mostly just a part of the tapestry of one’s life. That’s how it is for me, anyways.

            Here’s a thought: Would you be comfortable showing her this thread? Or encouraging her to read the Gift of Fear?

            It took a fair bit of therapy to get me to realize that saying “no” was okay, and that my “no” should be respected. Girls are often socialized to the opposite, and it’s SO problematic in all sorts of aspects in life. Definitely in romantic relationships, but also friendships and work situations. Good boundaries are healthy! And talking openly about this and generally being honest is a great way to go. Your kid is on the cusp of adulthood, even if it doesn’t always feel like that. I found that with the 15+ age range group, I always had best results for ALL sorts of conversations if I first approached it as if I was trying to talk to a fellow adult. That girl whose shirts were…. not appropriate? I couched my advice as fashion advice, pointing towards specific choices, rather than shame-y “You can’t wear that at school.” More like, “You’re having to adjust your clothes all the time and that seems uncomfortable. Have you tried a camisole under that shirt? I really like X (a cheap old navy option or similar), and I think it would go well with your shirt and help hold everything in place.” While I wouldn’t say that first sentence to a fellow adult, I would say the second two if someone complained about adjusting their shirt all the time.

            So I’d personally approach it this way: Share a bit of personal experience (can be from ANYTHING, friendships, work, a jerk of a salesperson, etc) of someone who you dealt with in your life who was bad at accepting no, and what you did, and what you wish you had done differently (if anything). And just talk about how people who push past any “no” are being rude/obnoxious. Heck, maybe even find your favorite AAM post about a boss or recruiter who pushes past nos!

            You sound like a really good mom. The fact that you know all this about your daughter’s life is a really good sign that she trusts you. Speaking from the former high school teacher perspective: most kids don’t tell their parents about stuff like this. Sometimes they tell another adult. But sometimes they try to navigate in on their own or only with other teens…. which is really hard. That was the position I was in as a teen, and why, as a teacher, I tried hard to be there for my students beyond the classroom.

            (But I also modeled healthy boundaries! A real example: “No, I do not want to hear about your friend who has chlamydia. Here is the address of Planned Parenthood, where you can get condoms for free. Use them, tell your friends to use them, and hopefully none of your friends will get chlamydia again. Either way, I’d like this to be the first and last conversation we have on this topic.” And “No, I will not stay at work until 6 to work one on one with you. X and Y times work for me. Which of those works for you?”)

            1. Merci Dee*

              I’m not sure she’d be thrilled to find out I was writing about her relationship on this forum, even if there’s no way anyone would know who she is. So I think that might not be an option. But I do have a digital copy of The Gift of Fear that I can share with her kindle library. Maybe I’ll do that and we can take a day or two to read each chapter independently and then briefly discuss what we picked up from the reading.

              God bless her, Sweetheart was diagnosed with anxiety this year, so I know that her body is sometimes amped up from the anxiety response, but I think it might be helpful for her to learn to differentiate between “normal” anxiety she might feel in a situation like presenting in front of class vs. a fear-based response where her subconscious is trying to tell her to gtfo to save her life.

              My ex and I divorced when Sweetheart was about 18 months old, so it’s basically been her and me for as long as she can remember. My parents have been absolutely amazing about stepping up to help out with things like taking Sweetheart for semiannual doctor and dentist checkups and the like so that I don’t have to take tons of time off from work to handle them. Luckily I have great bosses who would be cool with me taking that time for her if I needed to, but my parents tell me all the time I should save my leave so that Sweetheart and I can do fun stuff together instead of slogging about for errands. Because my folks have been so active in her life from day 1, she’s comfortable spending time and talking with them when she needs to. So Sweetheart has another couple of safe places to spill to if she needs it. We do what we can, but as you said, there comes a time when kids’ separation from their parents is just about complete, and some of the peer sources of info they start tapping into are not that great.

              1. Blackcat*

                I get it on not wanting to show her the thread. Doing a reading of the gift of fear together could be really good, particularly if you co-read books together frequently. I knew a family that did a monthly book club! The parents started it because they wanted to force themselves to read more, and it was great for the entire family.

                You’re really doing your best here, and I wish you luck. If she’s in therapy for the anxiety, you could also encourage her to talk to her therapist about it all, too.

    8. Jules the 3rd*

      Keep in mind that different people have different norms. I’d have no problem with people showing up without a call, though I do call if I’m going visiting. The important thing is how he reacts after you have a direct conversation with him. Wait until you say, ‘You need to call me before you come and arrange a time to visit’ to start the meter on judging him. And yes, try to meet his parents asap.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I suspect it won’t go so smoothly when I give him the word about cutting out the unexpected visits. When we were on the way back to the house from the bowling alley, he was talking about visiting with Sweetheart for a while longer after we got in. I’d already mentioned my migraine and that I wasn’t feeling well, so I told him that we were going to have to cut things short when we got home because I needed to take some meds and lay down for a while. He gave me a look like I was the biggest moron going and said, “oh, no problem. Sweetheart and I can visit longer while you lay down.” I told him outright that as soon as we got home he needed to collect his moped from the storage room where we’d locked it and head home. He tried to push back again, and I told him again, “you’re leaving when we get back.” That brought out some pouting and muttering, and he kind of wanted to sling his moped around while he was collecting it, but at that point I didn’t care. I was just focusing on not puking in my lap while I waited in the car for him to pull out of the driveway.

        Have I mentioned this kid is annoying me more and more as I recall more interactions with him?

  59. KristinaL*

    Question for librarians in the USA: is there a protocol for donating a book that I want to ask the library to lend?

    Details: I’ve written and illustrated 3 children’s books (these are fairly short picture books, designed to be read by parents to kids, age 4-5). I’m planning to self-publish the books and as part of my plan to let people know that the books exist, I want to give some away to libraries, preschools, maybe a doctor’s office or dentist’s office so the kids have another book to look at while they wait.

    At this point, I’m trying to figure out what logistics I need to think of before I actually do this (planning to use print on demand at Amazon), and I’m not really sure if this is something the library would be OK with. They can read the books first. I’m not sure what to say or who to ask.

    Advice in general on self-publishing and/or marketing the books is also welcome.

    1. fposte*

      Generally, libraries will have collection policies that will determine whether they add the book to their collection or not. You might ask your local libraries what their collection policies are on self-published material by local authors. Most libraries, IME, aren’t likely to add something like that to a collection unless there’s a significant local component or they’re in a small and isolated location, so that a local author is more of a big deal. (Keep in mind also that even if they add it to the collection it’s subject to subsequent weeding, so it doesn’t mean the library will keep it forever.)

      Preschools will be more variable; if they’re associated with a school with a library they are also likely to have a collection policy, but if they’re freestanding they may have a more free-for-all approach to material. Think also about places like crisis nurseries, women’s shelters, etc., where budgets generally don’t stretch to books; they might be glad to receive some reading material.

      When you’re thinking about libraries, remember that shelf space is competitive; they’re going to use it in ways that most benefit patrons, so they’re going to want a book that will circulate, not just a book the author wants to have in the library. So if there’s anything about your books that would be particularly notable (like the local angle) from the POV of patrons, that’s something to headline when talking about your books. Avoid things like “teaches a good lesson” or “features cute animals,” because that covers approximately 2000, and I’m not being hyperbolic, of the 5000 children’s books published this year; focus instead on “is set in our town’s famous city park” or anything else that would make your book stand out.

      1. KristinaL*

        Most of the books I’ve written and illustrated so far do feature cute animals, but most of them don’t teach any lessons at all :) My nieces and nephews like the books, but that probably doesn’t say much.

        I want the book to circulate too, but of course I’m not going to be the best judge of my own work.

    2. valentine*

      Look on their site for their donations policy or call the reference desk.

      My library won’t accept items for the collection.

    3. Chaordic One*

      My library is very picky about what they will add to their lending collection. There’s a special collection with limited access of rare and historical books, and books by local authors where they seem to be a bit less picky.

      The library has a policy where they state up front that if they accept a donated book they reserve the right to resell it; donate it to another organization (They make a lot of donations to “Better World Books” which seems to be a well-run organization.); or most likely, pass it on to the Friends of the Library volunteer-run used book store where it will either be sold or, if it doesn’t sell in a year or so, it will be recycled. Sometimes there are very good books that get pulped because no one can match it to the person who would like that particular book which is sad but necessary.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Better World, for the record, sells used books for profit. (Friend of mine worked there for 10 years.) that doesn’t make them bad, of course! They do donate to literacy orgs and help take unwanted books off peoples’ hands. But they’re essentially an online bookstore that uses a donation model.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      All three responses so far have nailed it. Every library or library system is likely to have a different policy — and don’t be surprised if it’s an astonishingly bureaucratic process to get a self-published book considered for the collection, as it is in our system. That said, in my opinion, it shouldn’t be. Good luck!

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        It’s also unbelievable some of the tripe that gets submitted. Why do so many people think it’s easy to write for children? Here’s looking at some celebrities as well- Not John Lithgow he writes very good children’s books and I wish he would write more

    5. another, another librarian*

      Where I work unless it has great reviews and is available from a place we have a contract with we will not get it. It really depends on the system. Depending how big the libraries you’re looking at are, you may want to ask for the Collection Development department.

      Also, congrats on publishing!

      1. KristinaL*

        I was planning to go there with the books and offer one for free, but I understand that they might not like any of them. As Sunflower Sea Star doesn’t quite say in their comment below, maybe the books are terrible. This possibility will not stop me from at least trying.

    6. Librarian of Many Hats*

      Yup, the other responses have pretty much nailed it. Each library or library system has their own Collection Development policy in regards to this kind of thing. Try looking on your library’s website or asking a Reference Librarian for a copy.

      You could also go directly to the Children’s Librarian and ask if your book is something they’d consider adding, but I suggest having a copy with you for them to look over. Also, if you want the library to add a copy PLEASE donate it yourself instead of asking them to purchase it. Most of us have very limited budgets as it is :)

      Good luck with the publishing! Check your library for books on self-publishing too!

      1. KristinaL*

        My plan was to have the book with me and to offer to donate it. It’s good to know that’s a good thing to do. Thanks.

    7. Sunflower Sea Star*

      Honestly I am GLAD my library doesn’t take every book than an author wants to donate to the library as a marketing tactic. Probably not what you’re hoping to hear, but there are a lot of mediocre and just plain bad authors out there, and the idea of donating their own books to the library to get more exposure is not a new one. And in this era of self publishing, there’s a lot of bad stuff that is “published”.
      I know you want to market your book but that’s not what libraries are for.
      I’d strongly suggest other ways of getting the word out there.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I always recommend The Creative Penn as a starting point for first-time indie authors, just because she covers pretty much every angle you can think of, and the advice is always solid.

      Here’s a recent post on the library market: https://www.thecreativepenn.com/2019/06/12/book-marketing-how-to-get-your-book-into-libraries/

      Have you checked out the Society for Childrens Authors & Illustrators? I think that’s the right name.

      I did some research there for a ghostwriting client a few years ago, they had some good info.

      There’s also a free video course online called Self-Publishing Mastery, very helpful material.

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      Every single time I’ve been in the situation where I’ve felt the need to ask this kind of question, it turns out that I should have moved on from that S.O. because forgiving them and trying to move forward with the relationship was seen as me giving tacit permission for them to do it again and again (on the sly, of course, with a huge side of gaslighting).

      Different S.O.’s but here’s a list of big things I’ve regretted forgiving:
      * Cheating
      * Lying (big things, little things, whatever; if you’re lying about anything you can’t be my S.O.)
      * Embezzling from our co-owned business (i.e., stealing from me)
      * Emotional affairs
      * Outrageous spending on shared accounts
      * Explosive, veins-a-poppin’ outbursts design to tear me into shreds

    4. misspiggy*

      Taking so long to make difficult decisions that important opportunities passed us by.

      But with each instance I’ve afterwards realised why he was paralysed, and identified ways to nip that particular situation in the bud next time.

    5. Dan*

      Having a boy toy and lying to me about the whole thing.

      But I waited until after the divorce to do all of the forgiving. Now here’s the funny thing — I’m glad my ex was a shitty spouse, because it made it easy for me to leave. If they were just a lousy spouse, I probably would have stuck around and been miserable.

    6. Catherine from Canada*

      It may not sound like much but; dancing with another woman at our daughters wedding when he hadn’t and never did dance with me.

  61. Lcsa99*

    I have to thank whoever suggested subscription boxes as a creative gift idea. I was able to get my husband an ice cream of the month subscription and he was absolutely ecstatic! It’s amazing how many options are out there and this was perfect for him.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Ha! My dad could get behind an ice cream of the month subscription box. He loves ice cream more than his next breath. Mom, on the other hand, would kill me.

  62. Signal*

    I’m seeking guidance on a continued theme of last week’s question about my Jewish kids unwittingly singing a Christian prayer excerpt in school (you all were so helpful!)

    This week I learned that my young kids were read _Shmelf the Hanukkah Elf_ in school. This book’s issues are well-documented, including commentary from the Association of Jewish Libraries. See, e.g.,:
    https://www.tabletmag.com/scroll/214625/shmelf-the-hanukkah-elf-book-takes-wrong-approach-to-educating-kids-about-holidays
    (Please note that the book reviewer is typically tactful in her reviews; this book really got her goat.)

    I see the book as problematic and want to ask the teacher to choose a different book next year; given the info in the linked review, do you agree? AAM commenters were so helpful in providing perspectives and information that I was unaware of last week, and I’d love to have similar input now.

    Would you consider this a pattern of well intentioned but unoptimized diversity and inclusion education efforts that should be addressed holistically (the book plus not providing disclosure and an opt-out option for teaching kids to sing Dona Nobis Pacem), or would you consider these separate issues to be addressed individually? Would you let this go because we live in a Christian world and cannot change this kind of thing? I love the school and its staff, so if I talk with them about this, I want to do so in a positive & respectful manner.

    1. Meepmeep*

      I’m Jewish, so I’d be going in guns blazing on this one. What the ever living H$&@?

      If you can manage to be tactful and diplomatic, I’ll be terribly impressed. But yeah, this is a battle worth fighting.

    2. university minion*

      What the actual EFF (er… elf?) I don’t have kids, so maybe my perspective is off, but of all the books on this planet to talk about Hanukkah, this is what they came up with?
      We had books about Jewish holidays when I was a kid 30 years ago that were interesting and not full of bogus characters that had nothing to do with the holiday, history or tradition. I was one of those kids who always thought learning about various traditions was fun & interesting. (I was raised in a church, but am not practicing… so culturally Christian in my traditions and holidays.)
      So, tl;dr: Me personally, I’d land on letting Dona Nobis Pacem go and raising all kinds of sand about the book.

        1. Signal*

          Thanks for your input! I could ask for the book to be removed from school library circulation as well, but that’s another issue.

          Regarding the song, I like BRR’s idea of postponing a talk until next year, and then I could just flag for the music instructor our preference for an opt-out. I’ve been known to overreact, and I think I was doing so last week.

          1. Anon now*

            Don’t go so far as to ask the school library to ban the book, or any book. My bff is a librarian, and nothing makes her go to war faster than someone suggesting the banning of (any) book. It’s a fight you don’t want and won’t win.

            1. Anon now*

              If you do want to take it that far, be very prepared to make the local news, that will most likely happen. (I say that as local media).

              1. Signal*

                Nooo, I don’t want to escalate this. My goal is a friendly, informative, collaborative discussion – nothing more.

            2. Signal*

              Good to know, thanks. I don’t want any kind of fight over professional standards!

              I wouldn’t think of asking for the book to be removed from our public library; I thought a school library with an educational purpose might be different. Seems like that’s not the cases, so I’m happy to leave collections decisions to the professionals.

    3. BRR*

      Haven’t read it, but this book feels like the equivalent of Hanukkah ornaments. I would consider this an another level than dona nobis pacem and would bring it up now. Next year I’d ask about Christmas music when they start practicing for the concert.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Beyond planning for next winter, I’d suggest you have this conversation about the spring concert.
        Be aware the music may already have been purchased–it’s organized and budgeted long before the kids start practicing. You may want to go in prepared with ideas for secular songs that are out from under copyright because those will be available for free.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      My boss always said if you come to me with a problem you better have a solution. So while I don’t have a specific idea for your specific problem, my comment is this – – Is there a book that you would feel comfortable with the teacher reading that is about a Jewish holiday? Because if you came to me with a concern about a book I read and had a different book that would address that concern, I would definitely listen and consider your substitution. But if you just came to me with a complaint and no resolution, I would be less likely to change what I was doing – or if I did change to be responsive to your complaint, I would label you a complainer.

      As to your posts last week and this week, your concerns seem valid to me and it would be great if everyone could agree to a resolution to them.

      1. BRR*

        I was thinking about this and was wondering if you should approach a school/teacher suggesting them what to teach? I’m wondering if it might be better to have some suggestions ready but only provide them if asked?

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I want to push back against this. If a problem is serious enough (and this one is), it’s okay to raise it even without having a proposed solution. Sometimes the person flagging the problem may not know what solutions are possible; a decent manager (and decent others) will still want to be made aware of it. Please don’t label those people “complainers”!

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Speaking as a teacher, I would want suggestions. The situation here is different than bringing something to a manager.

          1. Observer*

            Sure. But would you refuse to consider a change or label the parent if they didn’t have a suggestion? I hope not!

            Also, aside from the specific book, this is a bigger issue. Clearly someone didn’t do their research and no one applied the brakes. What is the parent supposed to suggest here? It’s not like most parents have enough visibility to be able to make reasonable suggestions about this.

      4. Observer*

        You and you boss are flat out wrong. Sure, if you have a good solution to offer, that’s always nice. But it is NOT reasonable, realistic or practical to expect the person coming up with a problem to have the solution for a whole host of reasons.

        In this case, the idea that a parent is supposed to be the one doing the work for the school is just not reasonable. Considering that the content is not always the only issue that the school may need to think about when making these decisions, it’s also asking for trouble.

        Also, in a case like this the problem is not just the book but the pattern. What kind of suggestion is Signal supposed to be providing to fix the problematic pattern?

    6. Laura H.*

      Are there resources you know of that are better/ less problematic/ include better? I’d honestly start there. But not all the onus should be on you. Is there a group that you can get together to look at this stuff and present it that way?

      It’s a problem for something to get pushed out, but it’s a much larger problem to have inclusive stuff, but it’s inaccurate or harmful to those its supposed to include.

      Again, I’m Catholic and looking at it from a more general lens. Hope y’all get this sorted. :)

    7. fposte*

      Oof. I suspect the fact that the author is Jewish made it feel utterly unassailable.

      What’s so freaking annoying here is that there are really good Hanukkah books. There are good books about Jewish kids dealing with Santa (Dear Santa, Love, Rachel Rosenstein). What you might consider doing is tackling it that way. School Library Journal, one of the major reviewing journals for youth literature, did *not* recommend the book for purchase for school libraries, according to the excerpt in the Amazon listing; that might be even more meaningful to them than Tablet, so I’d consider bringing that along. And I’d come with suggested alternatives. Not sure what exactly they’re looking for, but Barbara Brown’s Hanukkah in Alaska is a delightful look at how Hanukkah plays out in an unexpected location, and Tami Lehman-Wilzig’s Hanukkah Around the World demonstrates how celebrations differ around the world, and there are similar Christmas books it would pair really well with (there’s also Passover around the World, if you want to break free of the “Jewish Christmas” kind of pairing).

      Basically, if you have the energy, I’d consider treating it as taking on the role of ambassador–they’re in need of guidance, which you’re kindly going to provide them (is there any chance a local public library has a librarian who’s more clued up and could give you a hand there?). Rather than “Who the F picked this book?” it’s more of a “You weren’t to know, and fortunately I’m here to point you better.” That might be hard not to gag on, but I think you’ve got a better shot at getting traction that way.

      1. Signal*

        Thanks for your input! The author’s Judaism certainly adds an interesting twist to the book.

        I strongly believe this is a case of best intentions (I feel the same regarding the song). I therefore want to treat the instructor with the respect they deserve. I super appreciate the School Library Journal info; it seems compelling, especially if I ask for the book to be removed from school library circulation.

        1. fposte*

          I would strongly discourage you from requesting the book be removed from the library itself. That’s a whole different action with serious implications, and it’s going to impair your working with the school on anything in the future. Stick to “Hey, could we use something better in the curriculum? How about these?”

          1. Signal*

            Yes, that seems to be the consensus. I’m fine with not advocating for this and I appreciate your advice.

    8. Ann O.*

      Just adding another voice to “don’t let this go.” This time of year is so hard for Jewish kids, and we really need our public schools to be actually inclusive, not faux inclusive.

      I had to raise a similar type of issue with my child’s teacher recently, and I was very nervous about it. But I tried to be as polite and sweet about it, and I suggested some alternative wording. It ended up going very well. My experience is that most people really are trying and respond well to future-oriented fixes.

    9. Anon Here*

      Sending support. I am not Jewish and haven’t heard of this book before, so I don’t have anything to add. But I’m sorry this is happening and I hope the school will learn and do better.

    10. Signal*

      Thanks, all! After this feedback, I feel much better about making a case for eliminating Shmelf from the curriculum.

      Perhaps I could present two alternate solutions: (1) a list of good Hanukkah books (thanks for the great recommendations), and (2) a list of good (decent?) books about a major Jewish holiday.

      1. Natalie*

        The article you linked actually had it’s own link to a recommendations roundup and they seem to do one every year. And not all Hanukkah books either. :)

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Yipes. I’m not Jewish, but I would not let this go.

      Although now I really want to read The Latke Who Couldn’t Stop Screaming (what a title!).

    12. Bluebell*

      Another vote from someone who was one of two Jewish families growing up in the Midwest. I’d definitely go to the school and complain. Especially now, when there are so many wonderful Chanuka books! This also reminds me of the new Hallmark “Hannukka” movies which have plots of “Christian person needs to learn about strange December holiday that no one has ever heard of but the Jews celebrate it.” ps – I like to intentionally spell Chanukkah differntly each time – drives spellcheck crazy and ALL spellings in English are right ;)

      1. Bluebell*

        That should be “one of two Jewish families in my elementary school growing up in the Midwest.” Also, when my kid was young, I went to the kindergarten class and showed how to make hamentashen. It was cool to demonstrate how a circle dough turns into a triangle cookie.

    13. LilySparrow*

      I’d advise reading the book yourself if you have not. Not because I think it’s “not that bad”, or any nonsense like that.

      But it gives you a stronger position to speak from.

      “I heard this book was offensive” is going to sound like you’re looking for offense.

      “I read this book, and it’s really problematic. Here are some resources that explain why.” is much stronger.

      Or even, “Hey teacher, I heard this book was in the class curriculum, and I have some concerns. Could we sit down together so I can look at it for myself?” That makes it a more collaborative moment.

      1. Signal*

        I agree that reading the book is important and I did so. I had found the book on YouTube, and another Jewish parent at the school later showed me a physical copy (her kids were given it as a gift. She was not pleased.) We’re not sure which of us will talk with the instructor now, but one or both of us will.

        I was surprised to read that I am coming across as looking for offense (and I appreciate the heads-up). I’m not intentionally doing so, but I’ll spend time reflecting and work on my tone before acting on my concerns. Maybe the other mom should do the talking.

        1. Signal*

          Sorry, I think I misread your comment, LilySparrow. You didn’t say that I came across that way, merely that I should avoid it. I apologise!

    14. Observer*

      Yes, this is part of a pattern. And it’s really giving them too much credit to call this “unoptimized”. This is hideous.

      So be as tactful as you can. But DO point out the pattern of erasing others and playing into historically problematic stereotypes. In this case the one that screams from the page is that of the poor Jewish children in need of Santa’s elves, because how else is anyone going to be sure that the latkes are really going to crisp and tasty. Also, of misrepresenting other religions to mirror Christianity. The reality is that Chanukah is NOT the “Jewish Christmas.”

      Of you want to do Inclusion and Diversity right, make sure you get some solid information about the group(s) you are trying to include or teach about.

  63. Anon PhD*

    Need some help with pancakes: I have a fancy grocery store pancake mix recommended by a friend. All I need to do is add water to the mix, used a hand mixer and voila. However, the instructions call for making these pancakes on a griddle at 357F and I don’t own a griddle. How do I do this bedt in a non-stick frying pan? I’ve made pancakes before with other mixes and they always came out waaay too thick, sometimes burnt and not always cooked through.

    1. fposte*

      A skillet should be fine. Heat over medium-high heat until a drop of water sizzles when dropped in the pan.

      Don’t be a slave to the instructions–if the first ones seem too thick, add a little more water. I’d say my pancake batter is about the viscosity of a thin milkshake–it doesn’t run quickly, but it can still run a little.

    2. Signal*

      If your pancakes are undercooked at first and burnt by the end of your batter, your heat might be too high and you might not be waiting long enough for the pan to heat (which is why you turned the heat up.) I advise that you lower the heat, let the pan heat without oil (so you don’t burn it), and add oil after the pan has heated up.

      When I want thinner pancakes, I spread the batter with the ladle or by tilting the pan in a quick, circular motion.

      1. Reader in ND*

        I second the idea of spreading the batter around some. It works so much better for me than just letting it pool where ever it wants to and being too thick.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Yes to all the above. Use a regular frying pan and put the burner on medium heat and let the oil/butter get hot first. I am not sure if I would skip the oil/butter because of the no-stick on the pan. You can try it once and do the second batch differently. Drop the pancake batter and wait for the bubbles to show. When the bubbles show you can flip it. You can use the pancake lifter to check one on the underside to see if you like how it looks. I like to wait just a little bit beyond the first few bubbles that show up.

      If your pancakes are thick you can add more water to get thinner pancakes. The pancake batter should be noticeably thinner before you pour it on to a pan. Really thick pancake batter will do everything you are saying, burn on the outside and be under cooked on the inside.

    4. Alex*

      I make pancakes in a pan all the time. No problem. If your pancakes are too thick, burning on the outside, and raw on the inside, your batter doesn’t have enough water and your heat is too high. Start out on the low side of medium and keep watch to make sure they aren’t cooking too quickly.

      It’s OK to add water to the batter over what is said on the mix (although I’d start with what it says and go from there). It should be like what fposte said–a milkshake. You should be able to pour it, not have to spoon it.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I would not use a thin teflon pan. It’s important that the pan be heavy. One reason your pancakes are burning before cooking could be that the pan is too thin.

      If you have the newish heavy enamel non-stick pans, that would be fine. Other options are cast iron, heavy stainless steel, or enamel over cast iron. Heat the pan over medium heat until a drop of water dances on it. You don’t want it to sit and sizzle, but you don’t want it to immediately turn to steam either.

      Grease a paper towel with clear oil (like grapeseed or canola) and wipe a thin layer of oil on the pan. Test one or two pancakes, thinning the batter with more milk if necessary. Cook the pancake until bubbles form and the edges of the bubbles and of the pancakes are dry. Flip and cook just until the bottoms are light golden.

      Cut one and adjust your milk and cooking temp as necessary. Keep the pancakes warm in a low oven while you cook the rest.

    6. HBJ*

      A griddle is the same thing as a skillet except shaped differently. Right? You can buy nonstick griddles, cast iron griddles. Unless they mean an electric griddle. And the only difference between those and a skillet is the shape and the heat source. I always make pancakes in a skillet. You don’t need a completely different bulky different bulky item to store.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yes, it’s basically the same as a non-stick pan. I make mine in a cast iron pan; they get lovely crunchy edges that way.

    7. Anon PhD*

      Thank you all so much! I’m confident your advice will help. Believe it or not, pancakes would stress me out because of how badly they’d come out lol. No more, feeling empowered to go forth and try again.

    8. Fikly*

      If you can do dairy, an easy way to make any pancake mix tastier is to sub the water with milk, or even better, buttermilk.

      But be aware this can change the thickness of the batter – you may need to add a little extra milk to thin if using buttermilk.

      Agreeing with other commenters that the thickness and burning is not the pan, it’s your batter being too thick. How thick a batter turns out can actually vary a lot depending on your local humidity, so you always want to use the directions as a guide, but then do a test pancake. As you get more comfortable, you’ll learn what the right thickness looks like.

  64. Red Sunglasses*

    I think my father, who was diagnosed with lung cancer and is now cancer-free, is smoking again.

    Some background – 9 months ago, the doctors found a tumor on my dad’s lung. It was small and they recommended surgery right away and no chemo. During the surgery, they said the tumor was a little bigger than they originally thought so they suggested chemo- my dad said no. A few weeks ago, my dad got his scans back and everything was clear. We were all obviously elated.

    I was home for the holidays and while I was helping my dad assemble a toy, he disappeared outside for about 10 minutes (he used to smoke outside). When he came back, I swore I smelled smoke. It’s hard to tell as his lounge clothes always smelled smokey so I don’t know if that’s the way he smells or cigarettes? I saw him go outside again for seemingly no reason later in the day.

    After the diagnose, his cigarettes were still in the house and my mom said he was an adult and could throw them out if he wanted to. I’m almost positive he didn’t smoke again after the surgery. I should note my mom smokes too. Anyway- I don’t know what to do. My family is not close-knit and telling my dad what to do would be seriously frowned upon- although I’m sure my sister would. Maybe the doctor told him he could smoke again and I just am not aware?

    I don’t know what to do. I’m obviously scared and pissed off. I’ve been worried since I was a kid that he would get lung cancer and he was so lucky to have caught it so early that putting himself into that situation again angers me.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, Red. I’m sorry. But no, the doctor didn’t tell him it way okay to smoke again, and he already knows he shouldn’t be doing it. Addiction is a hell of a master. (He also shouldn’t be in a house with somebody else smoking, but it looks like that’s not going to change either.)

      So merely telling him he shouldn’t smoke isn’t likely going to change anything here. If you and your sister have some kind of emotional leverage–not in a nasty way, but in the “We’re your daughters and we love you and look at this innocent grandchild who’s going to have to weep at your funeral” kind of way–it might be worth rolling that out to put a heavy thumb on the scales.

      But it still might not be enough for him to change his behavior, and you might need to find a way to live with that. Even aside from the addiction component, people make these kinds of health decisions out of denial, stubbornness, hope, misplaced loyalty, fear, bravado, and so on, and they’re often not great decisions.

      So as far as not knowing what to do–you can do is use whatever connection you have with him to urge him away from smoking, but what you really have to do is find a way to cope with the fact that there’s no sure thing here whether he smokes or not, and that he might as a result smoke. I know that’s hard, and I’m sorry.

      1. valentine*

        His body, his rules. It may seem contrary, but maybe he thinks he may as well, since he survived the second-worst outcome. (Was his cancer definitely from smoking?) I think your mom was saying, “I’m not going to be the one to tell you he never quit,” and anything you do may have her feeling guilty and/or judged because, even if he quits, as long as she smokes, there are cigarettes and their accoutrements in the house. So, when you can get him alone, say, “Dad, it seems you’re smoking and I’m afraid for you,” then wait and see what he says.

    2. WellRed*

      Doctors will never tell anyone ever anywhere it’s OK to smoke but your Dad is an adult and makes his own choices. I lost my Dad to smoking. He had a good life and while it lasted so I focus on that. For context, he was 73.

    3. Annonno Today*

      I’ve read that cigarettes can, for some people, be harder to quit than heroin. But each of us is so different, and addiction is addiction.

    4. Observer*

      The doctor did NOT tell him it’s ok to smoke.

      You are right to be mad and scared. Your father is playing with his life, and it looks like your mother is letting her own addiction outweigh some support for your father quitting.

      Having said all that, there is nothing you can do. It’s terrible. But it’s the reality. Your father is not going to listen to you, you know that. If it comes up naturally, you can tell him what you think, so at least you’ll have it out there. But he knows the deal. The doctors have undoubtedly made it very clear. And if he has a member or his medical team who downplayed the problem, he DEFINITELY won’t listen to you. Because he won’t listen to anyone who tells him that HE NEEDS TO STOP SMOKING.

      It’s hard. It’s terrible. I wish I could say something more comforting. But I hope you can free yourself of a sense of responsibility for this.

  65. LuLu*

    Has anyone successfully talked a well-meaning but wholly off-the-mark gift-giver into giving fewer (or better) gifts?

    My MIL is lovely, adores Spouse and me, and loves to show her love through gifts. The problem is in both the volume and quality; for birthdays, Christmas, and at other random times during the year we receive numerous items that we do not want or need. Clothing that is improperly sized and out of sync with our style preferences. Dozens of one-trick kitchen gadgets. Decorative Knick-knacks that don’t fit with our chosen home decor that she has seen during many visits to our home. Possibly every single product ever to be stamped with “as seen on TV.” Extremely cheap tech gadgets that don’t work.

    I understand that she means well, but storing and disposing of so many items every year is getting tiresome. I am hoping that retirement (and the accompanying decrease in income) will help, but that’s still 2-3 years away, best case scenario. What can we say to get her to either give better gifts, or preferably fewer or none? (We already don’t give gifts to her; we have explained and she seems to have accepted that our visits, special events [meals, museum visits, etc.] and assistance around the house is how we show how much we care about her.)

    1. LuLu*

      Just to be super clear, vastly fewer or no gifts at all would be preferable. This isn’t me saying “Buy us nicer stuff,” it’s both me and Spouse saying “We don’t need these things and never use them, please save your money and don’t buy them for us.”

      1. Selmarie*

        Can you suggest you want to spend time with her instead of receiving things, so maybe dinner out, museum visits, whatever you will all enjoy together? Or agree on a dollar limit, which might limit the quantity, if not the quality, because you and spouse are on a new budget for the new year?

        1. valentine*

          I understand that she means well
          Not that she means ill, but I think it’s mostly about her and very little to do with you, except that you’ve accepted the role as recipient. She may feel compelled to: buy things, buy things that seem so clever/pretty/otherwise positive that she has no use for, or to buy things she wants someone to have/learn to want. It’s hoarding by proxy. If you have that in mind, it may be easier for you to stop the deluge.

          “MIL, we appreciate the sentiment, but we want to enjoy our time together and cherish memories of experiences, not objects. We need you to stop giving us gifts.” (If they were different, far less random, I would suggest saying a couple at Holiday would be okay, but hoarding requires a full stop.)

          1. LuLu*

            I think you are tight to some extent about hoarding by proxy; a few years ago she said was almost certainly engaging in some hoarding behaviors (it’s hoarding if you have so much frozen meat/so many cleaning products stockpiled that you get injured when they fall on you, right?), but to her credit she FINALLY internalized the comments from loved ones that it was an unnecessary amount of stuff and curbed her habits. So I don’t want to say “No problem here,” but I do want to acknowledge that she is capable of changing her behavior. (And that’s what makes me hopeful that she can stop giving 30+ useless/off-the-mark holiday gifts!)

    2. Not A Manager*

      Generally you can’t tell other people what to give you, but sometimes it’s different with parents. If your husband has a relationship with his mom that will support it, he could say to her, “We love you and we know you love us. We know you love to give us things. But these gifts aren’t serving their purpose because there are too many of them and a lot of them we can’t really use. This year, please show your love for us by getting us THIS ONE THING. Here’s the info for it. This is something we will love and treasure and always be aware that it came from you.”

      Then if she shows up with other stuff, he can express a little bit of (kind) disappointment because “what we really want is ONLY THAT ONE THING.” If she get The Thing and other things too, he can say, “oh mom, we can’t accept these because you already gave us That One Thing.”

      Also, if gifts=love to your MIL, would you consider doing something similar for her? You say that she’s accepted that you do visits and experiences with her instead of gifts, but she might really value That One Gift because – she likes gifts. (“Your present is our presence” is a little… IDK? anyway.)

  66. Amethyst*

    Asking for help with DCF.

    My nephew lives with his father & my sister full time. He was visiting his mother/family over Christmas week when DCF made a surprise visit on Christmas Eve afternoon due to complaints reported to them. (I’m trying to keep this as vague as possible for anonymity.) She has subsequently lost custody of all her children after failing a drug test.

    DCF is now going to be checking out my sister & her boyfriend’s home on Monday at some point. They’ve said they will be conducting a drug test on both of them. Since Nephew was there when they visited, they need to check his home to ensure his safety, etc. But they’d originally told Nephew’s father that they weren’t going to do so because Nephew lives with his father & my sister full time & it was a case of “wrong place, wrong time.”

    What do we need to do? Nephew is 11. My other nephew is 2 (same father, different mother). We’re all freaked. Sister is spending the weekend ensuring their home is spotless as she’s terrified her son will somehow become involved with DCF…SOMEHOW…even though he’s 2. & lives in their home.

    We’re concerned with protecting the children & preferably ensuring that this visit of theirs is just “one & done” so we can continue with our lives without their specter hanging over us. We don’t have time or money to have a lawyer for this. We found out about this after 5 PM yesterday.

    Help? We’re worried, & any help or general guidance on how to handle a visit would be lovely. Thank you.

      1. Amethyst*

        We normally would except we didn’t know about the visit until after 5 PM yesterday, after all lawyers’ offices are closed. Throw in the holiday, the weekend, & it’s even more of a shitstorm than it usually is.

        1. valentine*

          It makes sense they want to be sure Nephew’s safe at home and wondering why the dad didn’t know about the drugs or knowingly let him visit a home where people use drugs, versus reporting the drugs and asking for supervised visits with the mom. The adults should be prepared to talk about his routine and the family dynamic. No coaching. No aiming for spotlessness. Let the social worker see the SOP.

          (Is his father your brother? Doesn’t seem like CFS would be looking at you.)

          1. Amethyst*

            Thanks. They aren’t going to coach him, but they’ve already talked to him about how serious this is & he’s not to make any of his “jokes”. (He makes extremely inappropriate/unfunny jokes when he’s experiencing high amounts of anxiety.)

            His father is my sister’s boyfriend. Nephew is the product of a former relationship his father had with his ex. Nephew is biologically unrelated to us, but for all intents & purposes (except legally), my sister calls him her son & he is my nephew.

    3. Nom de Plume*

      Well, presumably neither your sister nor her boyfriend abuse drugs or alcohol. I have some experience undergoing psych evaluations for custody purposes, and my advice is to be honest, but not stupidly honest, if that makes sense. In other words, every single parent loses their temper and sometimes yells at their kid, for example, but I wouldn’t focus on those rare occasions or talk at length about losing their temper. For the home visit, clean enough for a friend to come over is fine. If they have some bottles of liquor in plain sight, even if rarely used, put them in a cupboard. Presumably the children have bedrooms furnished with furniture and books and toys and the rest of the house has furniture and food and dishes etc. from what I understand, they are looking for unsafe and unsanitary conditions. They aren’t looking for Martha Stewart level of housekeeping.

      1. WellRed*

        At least in my state, it takes a pretty high level of abuse and neglect to get a kid removed from a parent. God forbid that happens in this case, they’d place your nephew with family like you, but it doesn’t sound like your sister or her boyfriend are doing anything wrong. Fingers crossed for you.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Yeah, a friend of mine tried for years to get sole custody of their kid, despite the other parent being a known addict who did stuff like show up high to court hearings.

          On the kid’s last unsupervised weekend at the other parents house, a relative deliberately set my friend’s kid *on fire* and nearly burned him to death. The other parent was passed out at the time.

          The transfer of custody still hadn’t been finalized months later. If the other parent hadn’t died of an overdose, they’d probably still be fighting. The kid is going to keep having reconstructive surgeries every year until he stops growing, because he doesn’t have enough skin left to grow with him.

          DFS isn’t worried about dust bunnies under the couch.

          1. Amethyst*

            OMG. I’m horrified by what happened to that kid. OMG. I hope he’s…okay otherwise, & he doesn’t remember what happened. OMG.

            1. Observer*

              Oh, he remembers all right! I just hope he can put that memory in a place that doesn’t eat him up. That’s beyond horrible!

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      I know it’s ridiculous to tell her to relax, but really, the standard are not that high. The house should be clean enough that if this were your friend’s house you would be comfortable eating a meal there and wouldn’t be digging for hand sanitizer in your purse after you leave. It should be free of obvious fire hazards. There should be a designated space for children to sleep and important supplies like soap and toilet paper and some amount of food that is not Cheetos and beer should be present. If it’s clean enough for your mom to visit, it’s clean enough.

    5. Beatrice*

      *hugs* to your sister.

      I agree with the above commenters, I think DCF is just doing their due diligence, and as long as your sister’s home is free of any huge red flags, it’ll be fine.

      My local school district started doing teacher home visits for students’ families last year. The stated reason for the visit is to make contact with students’ families in a place where they’re comfortable, and give them a chance to express any concerns or needs they have for the coming school year with the teacher they’ll be working with, but obviously, teachers are mandatory reporters, and there was a very publicized situation the first year where children were removed from a bad home situation after the teacher visit. One of my coworkers freaks out and cleans her home top to bottom – we’re talking renting a carpet steam cleaner and taking drapes to the dry cleaners level of cleaning. That’s what your story about your sister reminds me of.

      1. Amethyst*

        Lol, your story about your coworker is basically what my sister’s doing (but she’s not renting a carpet cleaner or dry cleaning the curtains). Thank you for the hugs & the words of comfort.

    6. !*

      Not sure what the problem is? Why would there be any concern over DCF visiting if there aren’t any issues in your sister’s home and the care of the children? Seems to me this should be the norm considering the past issues with your nephew’s mother, they just want to ensure his well-being, and that of his half-sibling in any household he resides/visits. One generally hears about DCF failing to protect children so the best thing would be for your sister is to open her home to them and be as transparent as possible. Work with them and it should be fine.

      1. !*

        Additionally, DCF let them know ahead of time of the visit which is generally a good sign, and drug testing is indicated when there has been previous evidence (even indirectly).

      2. LilySparrow*

        I think it’s a very normal reaction to be anxious about receiving an inspection from authorities who have the right to take your kids away if they see something they don’t like.

        I agree that there is no real problem here. But I’d get nervous, too. Just like most folks get a pang of nerves when they see blue lights in the rear-view mirror – even though they know they’ve done nothing wrong.

        1. Amethyst*

          Thanks, LilySparrow, that’s exactly it. We all feel guilty even though we’ve done nothing wrong to cause that feeling, lol.

          !, DCF will require people to be drug tested when there’s no evidence the people they’re doing the testing on have ever done it? Just because there’s splashback from the other parent in the picture? That’s…really odd.

      3. Observer*

        What LilySparrow said. Especially since it also happens to be the case that these people can be arbitrary and problematic on occasion, even when the parent(s) are of the “right” demographic.

        I still agree with everyone that ultimately, things should be fine, but I understand why Sis is nervous.

    7. Been There, Done That (Sort of)*

      First, so sorry for your nephew and all he’s gone through; that is a tough situation for a child to be in. If I’m interpreting the relationships correctly, your sister’s boyfriend is his father? If the biological mother had any legal rights to the child before this Christmas Eve visit, then I think it makes some sense that DCF is checking out his full time home. Of course they want to make sure he is safe, but also possibly that his father is not going to send him back to the biological mom now that she has lost custody of multiple children.

      My family had a similar-ish situation, although it has been quite a few years now, and I can say we certainly were overly concerned and overly prepared. Unless the situation is more complicated than you have described, the visit will most likely be short and cursory. In our situation, a relative and their child visited our family over the holidays. Relative and child lived in the neighboring state and child was already on that state’s social services case load, so relative should have informed the case worker but didn’t. Someone who wanted relative to lose custody “reported” relative in the home state for leaving and very much stretched the truth, so a case worker local to my family had to visit. The visit was essentially a formality and the case worker didn’t even go past the living room. She “interviewed” us all and talked to the child while we were all present. Relative’s reason for the visit to our family checked out. The only thing I really remember the case worker checking on, other than the welfare of the child, was if there were firearms in the house. So if there are any firearms in your sister’s home, they need to be locked away and inaccessible by the children in the home. The thing that is surprising to me is that DCF says they will do a drug test on your sister and her boyfriend. That seems a bit over the top unless there is some other information you don’t have/didn’t give here, but maybe they are more cautious given the rising rates of opioid abuse. It stinks they don’t have time to consult with a lawyer about that.

      Here’s to a short and sweet, perfunctory, visit for your sister’s family! Sadly, DCF probably has cases that are more dire and more needful of their time than your nephew’s, since from your description he is in a stable functioning home.

  67. Siberians Anonymous*

    We have a 14 week old Siberian male kitten and he constantly seems hungry. Our cat vet said to give him 3.5 oz 1 can wet food, 2x day plus freeze dried fish, liver treats. We’ve done that but we find our kitten crying (for food)?

    And he has slight eye crusts (no idea if this is precursor to a cat cold). We emailed the vet just now. (He seemed very drowsy, cried, then voraciously ate. Good Litterbox manners).

    1. How much do you feed your Siberian kitten?
    2. What do different cat meows mean?
    3. How do you treat a cat cold? Symptoms?

    1. Book Lover*

      I did diamond kitten according to the feeding recommendations on the bag and wet food twice a day. For treats we did freeze dried chicken hearts and chicken. It sounds to me as though you need to include more dry food but I’m not an expert.

      The eye crusts seem kind of standard in flatter faced cats. Gentle wiping occasionally with a wet cloth should be fine.

    2. Natalie*

      If you haven’t already, have the vet check for worms. Basically all kittens and puppies are born with worms, doesn’t matter how nice of a breeder they come from.* He could have received insufficient dewormer (weaker OTC version or not enough doses) or it was just was a pernicious infestation. Our younger dog had to have a second round of strong dewormer.

      *Grossness ahead: larvae remain dormant in adult cats and dogs until the end of the pregnancy and then infect the fetuses. So it’s an endless cycle – all puppies and kittens are born with worms, so they all have dormant larvae, so all their offspring are infected with worms.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I looked that up, because it seemed very strange, and that doesn’t appear to be wholly true for kittens. It is true for puppies, because the canine roundworm can cross the placenta (and it’s not just until the end of the pregnancy, it’s as soon as the embryo’s digestive tract is formed enough to support worms, which can be as early as the beginning of the second week), but the feline roundworm cannot. The feline roundworm, however, transmits through the mammary glands, and a majority of intact queens will have dormant larvae, so it’s basically the same deal.

        Also, parasites are terrifying and I hate them.

    3. TL -*

      I don’t have a Siberian but I free fed Kitty dry food until she was a year old, then transitioned her to twice a day feeding (now a mix of wet and dry 2x/day).

      Meows can mean anything from “hello” to “please pick up the blanket for me” to “I’m about to throw up” to “my nemesis is here” – you’ll figure it out as you go.

      A bit of eye crusties is normal, as is being drowsy. If kitty has a cold, then just let them sleep. As long as cats are eating, using the litter box, and drinking water, they’re usually okay and won’t need to go to the vet even if they’re under the weather.

    4. Daffy Duck*

      Cats are not meal eaters, they normally eat small (10 gram) bits multiple times during the day. I would have dry kitten kibble available at all times in addition to offfering your wet food aa couple of times a day.

    5. Soft kitty*

      1. I leave dry food out for kittens so that they can eat as much as they wish.
      2. A study was done years ago (sorry, I don’t have a link) where people were asked to identify meanings of cat meows. All owners knew their own, but none could understand other cats’. So there is no dictionary for meows. If your cat’s tail is straight up then the cat is saying “Hello! I’m very happy to see you!!” There is other common body language but I can’t think of any right now.
      3. Let it run its course unless you see green snot (clear is okay), the eyes get so goopy that they have trouble opening them (a few crusties are normal), or the cat stops eating, in which case they need to visit a vet for antibiotics.

  68. 0.0*

    Holy fuck you guys!

    Thank you for anyone who commented on my comment on this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2019/12/update-new-manager-keeps-telling-us-were-frustrated-and-defensive.html

    You helped change my perspective immensely. I’m taking steps towards separation and divorce now. I was almost there to start with. He said something today that made me rush forward with it. fucker doesn’t give a shit about me beyond a fucking meal ticket it seems.

    I’ve set up my own separate bank account, new PO box in just my name, changed passwords on all of my google accounts and amazon (and took him off of my prime (insert wicked grin here).

    Changed my direct deposit to go into my own account (with a small amount to go into our joint account to cover the negative balance that is currently there on my next paycheck)

    Changed my address in our HR system at work.
    changed my emergency contact to my mom.

    If any of you all have thoughts/recommendations on any other separation steps to take, feel free to let me know (as well as any “keeping your shit together at work while your personal life implodes” tips)

    And thank you, again for being such an awesome community. I’ll probably be only periodically checking up on this thread this weekend as I’m wandering around a bit at the moment.

    1. Fikly*

      I’m so happy for you! I got out of an abusive situation almost six months ago. It’s incredibly difficult, but I haven’t regretted it for a second. Being safe is amazing.

    2. Blue Eagle*

      Sending you positive reinforcement – you go girl! What a great first set of steps to take back your life. I’m rooting for you!

    3. Policy wonk*

      Congrats on taking charge of your life! If you haven’t already done so, take him off any insurance policies and take steps to designate someone else as next of kin. You don’t want him making medical decisions for you or collecting your benefits should the worst happen.

    4. Occasional Baker*

      Paperwork.
      Make copies of anything you can get your hands on – cc statements, bank statements, household maintenance costs, retirement stuff, lease or mortgage. Put it on a thumb drive if electronic, maybe even two (hand one to the lawyer, keep one) Many states require 3 years of bank statements to be submitted along with financial statements at time of divorce. Have proof if you’ve covered all the costs or which portions. Really spend time looking at every dollar and where it goes.
      If possible, lock down your personal spending. Nothing that you could be accused on using “marital funds” for.
      Scrambling around for this info added to stress, being able to work towards it with a plan would have helped.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Just sending support. I should have left and didn’t. You are strong, and I applaud you. Be sure to set up the computers/ browsers/ bookmarks to clear (after saving your favorites onto the previously mentioned jump drive. You do not want any electronic trail back to you, including search history, embedded passwords, credit cards on file, etc.

      And… do a credit freeze (as soon as you have the credit check done for the new place). The kind where they have to contact you to get permission to allow a query done. ALL three agencies. That blocks him for using your social security number for anything. It is also a good idea to fill out the form online to say you want no credit solicitations/offers, to prevent anything from slipping through.

    6. Anon the mouse*

      Had a thing go badly once that’s taken me until now to *mostly* recover from (~15 months and counting). I would see if there’s a place close to your workspace where you can go to break down a little or take a break from your poker face. For me, it’s the stairwells near my desk or the faraway single bathrooms if I have more time before I lose it. Take walks if you can. Have a trusted coworker kind of spread the news of your divorce/separation for you when the time comes, if you don’t want to talk about it.

      I’m sorry about your situation but am glad you sound like this has helped you take charge of your life! Good luck to you.

  69. Anti-Semitism In Harry Potter*

    Anti-Semitism in Harry Potter books & a question about privilege:

    I’m re-reading Harry Potter right now and keep thinking about this article I read about how the way JK Rowling portrays the Gringott goblins is Anti-Semitic. Each time the goblins are mentioned, I’m pausing to wonder what about the description is offensive towards Jewish people? I’m on book 6 and so far I haven’t seen it. At all.

    Does my lack of seeing it mean it doesn’t exist? Was that article just someone making trouble on the internet? (Link to follow)

    OR is it possible that as a completely non-Jewish person who has never spent any time around Jewish people, I am simply ignorant of the Anti-Semitic microaggressions in these books?

    My question is how do I recognize problematic things that my privilege prevents me from seeing? Do you believe everyone who says something is problematic…even when it really doesn’t make sense to me?

    2. fposte*

      This is a big question :-). I think the answer to your last question is yeah, pretty much, you do, if those people have contextual knowledge and experience that gives them important insight. I think it’s important not just to recognize privilege but to recognize cultural (and gendered, religious, etc.) bubbles that mean you/I/everybody is ignorant of key currents somewhere.

      I think the best solution is for us to find ways out of our bubbles as much as possible and take in the insight of those people with more expertise rather than setting up our uninformed/less-informed opinion as equal to it.

      1. valentine*

        You might find a Judaism 101 site that takes questions, or maybe a Twitter or Tumblr. Search for tropes and stereotypes. There was a post about the stepmother in Rapunzel.

    3. OyHiOh*

      I haven’t read the Harry Potter series closely enough or recently enough to speak to the specific concern in that series.

      As a general comment though, yes, it is quite possible you are “blind” to to a streak of anti semitic characteristics and descriptions. Shylock, in Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice is a treasure trove of anti semitic characteristics and behaviors and bits and pieces of Shylock’s character come back over and over and over again throughout all of literature in small insidious ways. If I were trying to write a character who was supposed to represent the “evil Jew” without saying so, I’d give them a big nose, make them an excessively cheap, have them bargain with “god/spiritual elemental force”, and pick a food group that they don’t eat for reasons that are simultaneous deeply meaningful and not clearly articulated. None of those things are specifically bad or even particular micro aggressions but taken together as the feature pieces of that character’s appearance and personality . . . . they present a specific picture of a specific group of people that’s . . . not flattering. And in the case of Rowling’s gobblins, if the description includes being small, having distintively large noses, not particularly athletic, and prize knowledge or learning, etc then you’re looking at a description that might as well have been written by the Nazi propaganda machine than by a contemporary young adult novelist.

      The best way to recognize potentially problematic content in any avenue of life is to read writers in a wide variety of traditions. I’m a white Jewish convert – I read African American writers and *really* pay attention to the issues and language they pick up on. I read trans men and trans women and do the same thing. In short, if writers are pointing to a potential issue with the gobblins, I would listen to them and trust them. They likely can see something you can’t. Believe the minority voice and trust them. If a black man sat down with you and told you about his experiences of driving while black, you’d likely believe him because as a whole, most of us recognize that his experience absolutely is not the same as a white man or woman’s experience with police officers.

      To recognize mircroagessions and dog whistles, I’d would tell you to make a really concerted effort to drag yourself out of your bubble – even if your bubble is your community rather than just your friends/family/work/social networks. I would ask my library system to develop programming about narrative perspectives across a wide range of cultures and experiences. If I had kids, I would propose to my school district an exploration of culture and experience that develops a sense of diversity that may not be present in your specific community but which your community’s children will certainly encounter as they grow and develop.

      I *might,* if I had an exceptionally close friendship with someone outside my personal bubble, ask questions of them . . . . however, that itself is a privilage of a particular kind of friendship. Most people, even if they like you, grow weary of being the token person in their friends lives who is expected to explain the weird and exotic at every turn. I have a friend who is a trans man. We have a lot of community interests in common and have worked together on a number of local issues related to education. I have *not* asked him the kind of questions that imply I expect him to educate me on the experiences of trans men in our community. It’s rude and presumptive. True, I have learned about his experiences from the programs we’ve worked on and conversations we’ve had but only what he’s willing to bring up on his own.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Goblins are bankers, and greedy at that, in Rowling’s world, beyond the short stature and hooked noses. I’ll admit that I didn’t think much of it at the time and she may not have intended it that way, but she certainly seems to have absorbed anti Semitic tropes.

        2. Ann O.*

          I don’t think the goblins are greedy. Bill explains them as having a different cultural norm around ownership, which is why Griphook wanted the Sword of Gryffindor so badly. By goblin ways of understanding ownership, it was their rightful property.

          But greedy, short stature, and long nosed is also a bog standard folkloric portrayal of goblins.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Which is likely derived from anti Semitic tropes. i know the ownership thing was sort of hand waved but the idea still seems to be greed, and certainly disagreement over who things belong to.

    4. Ann O.*

      I am both Jewish and trained in Folklore studies. I do not think the description of the Gringott’s goblins is anti-Semitic.

      I strongly disagree with the idea prevalent in certain circles that you should always believe everyone who says something is problematic. That would only make sense if everyone who held a certain group identity was always in agreement. But that’s almost never the case. So you’re always going to be choosing some people to listen to and some people to ignore. Also, just being of a certain identity doesn’t make us experts in the related history or in culture. Unfortunately, there is no shortcut to understanding an issue other than to really read up on it. I wouldn’t advise dismissing a seemingly ridiculous argument out of hand, but if you take it seriously and read up on it and it still doesn’t make sense, then you’re under no obligation to buy into it. We should all think for ourselves, always.

      In regards to the goblins, the argument for goblins-as-anti-Semitic relies on similarities between Rowling’s description of goblins and anti-Semitic tropes. But Rowling didn’t do anything unusual in her description of goblins. Goblins are usually portrayed as short, long nosed, and greedy, so all goblin portrayals that draw on folkloric traditions are going to overlap with broad anti-Semitic tropes. But these are pretty broad characteristics, and a IMHO, the unique aspects of how Rowling characterizes them aren’t very similar to anti-Semitic portrayals (I don’t even think they’re portrayed as greedy but rather as having their own cultural norms that are different from the human norms, which is just like the centaurs and house elves and others). To me, it’s very different from someone like Watto in Star Wars, who speaks with a recognizably Yiddish accent/speech pattern and wears very Ashkenazi coded costuming.

      The movie character design for the goblins is arguably more anti-Semitic, but I honestly don’t see it. The main thing people point to is the specific way the long nose was designed, which I totally see. But the general overall look of the movie goblin face to me reads as a variety of European ethnic looks rather than specifically Ashkenazi. Also, I don’t think Rowling had control over movie character designs.

      The actual building used for Gringotts also has a Star of David in the floor, which is another thing people point to. But again, that’s not something Rowling was involved with. Perhaps whoever did location scouting secretly liked having that anti-Semitic implication, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t even notice or think of it as having any problematic implications.

      1. Fikly*

        If you believe that just because people say something is problematic doesn’t mean it is problematic, it must also follow that just because someone says something isn’t problematic, doesn’t mean it isn’t problematic.

        JKR’s books are riddled with prejudice and stereotypes against both real groups and groups she created. Given that, I find it entirely plausible that she relied on Jewish stereotypes when coming up with her goblins. People who stereotype one group are more likely to stereotype other groups.

        Also, someone doesn’t have to do something problematic intentionally for it to be problematic. Hence why unconscious bias is a huge problem.

    5. Maya Elena*

      I think it’s nonsense and reading into much; kind of like all sky scrapers as phallic symbolism. I think it diminishes actual anti-Semitism where it exists by trying So Hard to find it everywhere where it isn’t.
      To me they reminded me of Ferengi from Star Trek; and the “Goblins as Jews” seems a stretch now. Goblins and other small creatures with stashes of gold can be found in various Nor

      1. Debbie D*

        I find it odd that an article would link goblins to any ethnicity of people. I mean, they are goblins. Also, coming from England, I highly doubt JK R is remotely thinking about certain supposed stereotypes that may have more relevance in other parts of the world. If the figures available online are correct, 0.005% of England is Jewish versus about 2% of the USA. I can’t really see holding a writer from there to the same standard of knowing and working around stereotypes they may not have even heard before, especially when they are so generic.

        1. Fikly*

          Why is that odd? I mean, look at Tolkein. He drew his inspiration for many of the different species from different cultures around the world. It’s well known.

          Also, there were 727 recorded anti-semetic incidents recorded in the UK in the first 6 months of 2018. These are typically under reported. The same article notes that Jewish people are actively leaving the UK at the highest rate in decades due to anti-semitism faced in the UK.

          Why would being a tiny minority mean you are less likely to face bigotry? I think it’d make it more likely, as what has been shown to reduce bigotry is when people outside of the group actually meet and spend time with individuals who are part of the minority.

        2. LilySparrow*

          Yes, English people are generally aware of Jewish stereotypes and tropes. There’s quite a lot of deliberate use, deliberate exploding, and confrontation of those stereotypes in 20th century British popular culture.

        3. Meepmeep*

          Didn’t stop Shakespeare or Dickens from writing overt antisemitic stereotypes. And the whole “greedy money-grubbing Jew” stereotype is not at all generic, and it is fairly identifiable.

          Not that I particularly care, but I do want to point out that the stereotype is alive and well in just about every European country.

        4. Observer*

          You are really claiming that English people neither use nor are aware of antisemitic tropes and stereotypes?

          That argument can only be made in bad faith or abject and willful ignorance.

    6. Soviet Jew*

      I think it’s ridiculous attempts at picking apart something just for the sake of picking it apart. It makes actually harder to point out actual anti-semitism. Heck, to me the goblins always reminded me of Ferengi from Star Trek, not Jews.
      Maybe I have very strong feelings about this because my Jewish family came from a place with real anti-Semitism, and actual discrimination and quotes for Jews, and thus when people in the US/ the West generally try so hard to find it everywhere where it clearly want intentional, I find myself skeptical.

      1. Meepmeep*

        I am with you, as a fellow Soviet Jew (when the antisemitism you experience is applied with fists and shouted insults, the idea of looking for it in every book doesn’t appeal).

        That said, I think that European culture and folklore is so permeated with antisemitism that just about every book that draws on European folk tale elements is going to have a Jewish stereotype in it and it won’t be flattering. So it’s quite possible that the goblins are partly based on an old folk memory of a Jewish stereotype, but what is a modern author supposed to do about that? Rewrite the goblins to be strong, capable Israeli soldiers who do not at all care about money? Come on.

        1. Fikly*

          Well, a modern author could be aware of bias and write a species that draws from multiple groups/cultures as inspiration. Just a thought.

          The answer to stereotypes is not to use other stereotypes. The answer is not to stereotype.

      2. Observer*

        I’m with you. I was born and raised in the US. But, yes, I agree that when you spend all this energy on possible antisemitism that requires a miner’s lamp and a magnifying glass to find, it’s immensely unhelpful.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I don’t know about this issue in particular, but I do know that no group of human beings is monolithic.

      Some things are generally problematic and some things are just offensive to an individual. Their feelings may be quite real, but not commonly held.

      The solution is not to be either paralyzed or dismissive, but to seek out wider conversations about the topic and listen to many different authentic voices.

    8. Observer*

      So, I don’t think that the portrayal is actually antisemitic. But if you really cannot see how the discussion came to be you should do some reading. Really.

      Long hooked noses, banking and “obsession” with money are all common anti-semitic tropes. So is the idea of not giving things with complete good faith which seems to be a perception of goblins as well.

  70. Lena Clare*

    I fed my kittens that amount of wet food plus I left dry food out for them as well. They are a lot, but are not Siberian.

    You learn to understand different cat meows. One of mine has a sort of outraged meow that means “it’s raining!”
    They tend to chirrup when they are saying “hello”. A normal but loud meow means “feed me”. They’re pack animals, really, so they see me eat then go to their food bowl.

    Mine both have the flu as they were born in a feral colony. Getting cat colds is par for the course. They tend to get quite snotty (which is black) around their nose and eyes. I wipe it away with boiled & cooled water, sometimes with salt in it, on a cotton wool pad. Their injections are up to date. It passes after a few days.

  71. SAHM*

    Hiding from my family this evening. We usually do a siblings 2nd Christmas where all the half’s and steps get together. But I’m just not up for it this year. I’m just burnt out. I really just want to watch the mandolorian and fold laundry, but I have kiddos who are painting stuff outside so I need to be physically present when one of them decides to start screaming bloody murder bc the puppy decides to jump or someone mixed the colors wrong or what have you. I’m so drained. Can someone locate my joy and holiday spirit bc it’s not here anymore….

    1. Wishing You Well*

      You’re okay.
      Hiding is the better part of discretion or valor or something.
      We all need a break. I hope 2020 is better for you.

  72. Kelly Kapur*

    Ever since I started working as a teenager, Saturday has been my day to do absolutely nothing. Like I might go for a walk but other than that I don’t go outside and I don’t do anything productive. It’s kind of a pain and I wish I could be more grateful about it. I guess I just feel like other people don’t have to do that. Like other people can go hiking over the weekend or take a weekend trip or, I don’t know, hang out with friends. I can’t skip it though. If I skip it then I can’t get through the week and I end up having to take a day off because I’m just so overwhelmed and exhausted. The day is spent pretty much just lying around and watching videos.

    Does anybody else do this? I literally don’t feel like anybody does except like for religious reasons and in that case like, I would think you just spend your time at church or synagogue etc.

    1. irene adler*

      That’s my Sunday!
      I need to get away from social interactions as I find them draining.
      I do a fair amount of reading, some TV and play with the dog. And maybe work on the yard (weeds!).
      Me time. That’s important.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, me too. I grew up with Sunday blue laws so there was nothing going on Sunday. I really hated that. As an adult I must have a do nothing day. I do end up doing stuff around the house, but I usually get a late start. This means I lounged around for a few hours first, at the start of my day. Then a nap in the afternoon.

        Just my opinion but I think we’d all be healthier and happier if we had one day a week to recharge. (We don’t need blue laws to do it though….)

    2. Lazy Weekender*

      If you’re giving yourself a hard time over this, please don’t!

      This kind of thing depends a lot on what kind of person you are and what kind of job you have. If you’re more introverted, get tired easily, or work a challenging job with longer hours it totally makes sense to just do absolutely nothing on Saturday. Everyone relaxes and recharges differently so don’t feel like you HAVE to do something because everyone else is.

      I’m pretty introverted myself and I used to spend my Saturdays doing nothing after a morning workout, and I was fine with it. I don’t really have any close friends, and I’ve been struggling with depression, social anxiety, and low self-esteem. I needed to do nothing. But over time, it started to become less enjoyable to do all day and I felt like I was missing out on life. With time and therapy, I’ve started to balance “doing things” with “doing nothing”, and it changes from weekend to weekend depending on my mood.

      My point is, if that’s what you really need and it’s what works for you, keep doing it! But if you feel like you’re missing out on something or life is just passing you by it might be worth a closer look.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Mine too. I do things I enjoy on Saturday. It’s my favorite day, the day when most people I hang out with are free, and I don’t like to work it.

      Sunday is for chores and housework, since I don’t go to church. It’s partly because I need to be tired at the end of the day on Sunday so I can go to sleep early enough to get up for work (when I’m working, that is). If I just laze around, I’m more likely to stay up late. I also like to go to movies on Sunday mornings, when everyone else is in church, although with the advent of reserved seating, I don’t have to arrive early to stake out the middle of the row anymore.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      It kinda depends on your definition of “doing nothing.” I spend the majority of my time on Saturdays watching Netflix and knitting, which doesn’t feel like doing nothing to ME, but is also not much more involved than “just lying around and watching videos.” The idea of truly “doing nothing,” like laying in bed sleeping or staring at the ceiling and not even reading or something, that stresses me out like whoa. :)

    5. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’m particular on having one day a week to recharge as well – or I won’t get through the month. Doesn’t really matter which day, but if I’m away on a weekend I’ll almost always take Monday off. So I need to plan ahead.
      Recharging can include cooking for the week, do some tidying of whatever, but no obligations.
      I’ve been very serious about my rest this year – I even went part-time – and guess what? Aside from a bout of depression early in the year, due to big problems at work, I haven’t been sick a single time. No colds, no bronchitis, nothing of the sort. It’s a first.

    6. JaneB*

      That’s my whole weekend in “bad” weeks (which are probably good weeks as they are ones which involve a bit more social/people time than typical), always at least one day. It’s a pain but I don’t want to be not me so…

    7. Hi there*

      I’ve had to do this more in the past six months than before. Work is very stressful, and Sundays I serve at church, so any decompressing has to happen on Saturdays. I credit the amount of lounging I have been doing with not getting sick even as I have been knocking myself out with work. I try to see the time as a different kind of productive.

    8. Meepmeep*

      I wish I could do that. Im so exhausted most of the time that what you describe sounds like heaven. If I get a couple of hours to myself, I read and knit and don’t do anything “productive”.

      Other people probably aren’t as tired as you are? In any case, let the other people worry about their lives and set up your life to meet your needs.

    9. Beatrice*

      I do this. It’s usually Saturday for me as well, but sometimes I wind up with things that need to be done on Saturday, and I substitute with a lazy Sunday, and that’s okay.

      If I don’t get it, the outcome isn’t that I have to take a day later in the week, but I am way more drained and irritable and I am absolutely useless in the evenings when I get off work.

      A couple of years ago, I had a busy period at work where I worked 15 Saturdays in a row. I was a basket case and wound up switching jobs at the end of it. My family had to support me outside work a lot more – I did not cook meals or clean them up, we ate a lot of fast food off paper plates, I did zero laundry and almost no cleaning, and I did not run errands. I spent a lot of my “free” time watching sad movies and sobbing because I found that comforting. It was a strange time.

    10. ThatGirl*

      Not every week, but my husband regularly spends one or both weekend days not doing much. He’ll go work out, or run to the store, and helps with the laundry, but otherwise spends a lot of time gaming or watching tv. It’s all good, he needs downtime to recharge. If you’re getting everything done that needs to be, and feel like you have enough social time, do what works for you.

    11. !*

      I absolutely have to have a day a week to do nothing, and hubby knows it. I do try to do at least one constructive thing but nothing too taxing and then it’s reading or binge-watching something. I am an introvert with a very public-facing job and extroverted co-workers so this is my “recovery” time. I also take mental health sick days as I rarely am physically sick (I think the mh days help keep me from getting sick). It’s been great having a week off since I’ve had to go visiting my in-laws for the holidays which brings its own stressors.

    12. LilySparrow*

      It’s not always Saturday, but I definitely need a “nothing” day about once a week. I can push through for a few weeks, but that usually results in keeling over for longer periods, or losing energy and productivity overall.

    13. Filosofickle*

      When I had a “regular” (9-6 + office + commute) job, I always spent my Friday nights and Saturdays recharging, which means doing nothing except what could be done inside and with zero energy like TV/reading. I couldn’t cope without it. Just having to be on all day every day at work was exhausting for me.

      Now I work from home and not full time, so I have more energy to go on hikes and do social things. But I still require a LOT of downtime. I always will.

  73. Himalayan Salt*

    My friend passed away earlier this year and it seems been the hardest thing I’ve had to go through (and I’ve been through a lot). It made me question everything I believe and reality itself. If that can happen, is anything in my control? Does it matter if we dream or hope or want?

    I haven’t had the chance to go to therapy bc I was unemployed and didn’t have insurance. So the support hasn’t been there.

    Will I ever recover?

    1. fposte*

      Oh, Himalayan, I’m sorry; losing a friend just destabilizes your world.

      I think we recover from losses and we also don’t; they change us, and I think that’s okay. I think you will feel better than you do, but there will still be ways you see life differently as a result of this; it won’t necessarily make your life sadder overall, but it will bring a different dimension to it.

      As far as control goes, honestly, we have some influence but not nearly as much control as we like to tell ourselves, and I think a big component of 21st century life is negotiating our anxiety about that lack of control. The aim, I think, is for us to be able to find reward in a life even though it doesn’t give us promises, and we know that our hearts will inevitably be broken–but they can also mend and grow again.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am very sorry for your loss.
      “If that can happen, is anything in my control?”
      Yes, everything is under our control in that we can chose to have extra appreciation for it while it is still here. In doing so we also recognize that very little is permanent.
      Gratitude in the present helps balance future griefs. Where I went to with all this is I frame everything as a gift. My dog bumps me with his nose. That’s a gift. My neighbor waves hello, that’s a gift.

      This stuff sounds cornball. Until one day it’s not cornball. One day our world is turned upside down by a loss and suddenly everything is an uncertainty. We are shook to our core. This can get frightening to be so rattled. We suddenly understand that nose bumps and waves can suddenly be gone from our lives forever. And the nose bumps and waves take on new and higher value.

      ” Does it matter if we dream or hope or want?”
      You don’t have to right now, if you don’t want to or you don’t have brain space for it. Alternatively, you can decide if you want to return to hopes and dreams later, not now, not this month, not this season.

      Gently, I would like to point out that you already have a hope and a dream. You want to recover. I love what my mother’s doc told my father: “as you reweave the fabric of your life….”. Yeah. Some losses are such that it seems like we have to rebuild our entire life. You won’t go back to being Old You, because you can’t unsee this or unlearn it. You will become New You, eh, in some cases I liked New Me better than Old Me. This does not have to be scary and your changes may be good ones.

      I do have some suggestions.
      Check out books on grief. You can probably find something at your library. Learn the causes of grief (not just deaths), learn the symptoms of grief (both sleeping too much and sleeping too little can be symptoms) and learn the stages of grief (Being angry and crying at the same time does not mean a person is a mess. It means they are NORMAL.)
      Get one book, not ten. Actually read that one book. You will know which one to get because as you look at them, one book will feel like the author is talking to you personally. Get that book. These books will not pull you down lower. Once you start to read, you will see.

      Next thing I suggest is to join a grief group. I think most are free. I did not want to go. How the heck is a room full of crying people going to help me??? Uh, they weren’t crying. They were talking softly and sweetly with each other and with me. It was safe there.

      Last. Help someone else with their problem. I remember my father lost my mother (catastrophic illness), he lost his financial security (medical bills) and he lost his house (medical bills). He turned and helped his neighbor take care of her dying husband. He would go and sit with the man so she could walk out side the house or call a friend or run an errand. She cried tears of joy for the help my father gave them. In return, his feelings of loss of power diminished.

      Now I don’t recommend going in on such a heavy situation, this is not for everyone and most certainly most people could not do this. But there are things that are with in reach that you can do. Reach out and see what little helps you can do. You might start by holding a door for someone on your way into a store. Or maybe you let someone pull out into traffic in front of you. Start small. This is how you take back your power.

      “Will I ever recover?”
      Maybe not fully, but you will be okay at sometime in the future. Grief can get less raw over time, there’s no longer that jolt to the body/mind. It can go down to sniffles or watery eyes. Then in a while down to a dull ache in your chest.
      Cry when you need to. Crying causes a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep it healthy.
      Try to eat fruits and veggies as often as possible. Grief chews up nutrients in our bodies at a high clip. Try to get some whole foods into you.
      Hydrate.
      Declare bed time as your time out from thinking about life issues. Tell yourself you can resume in the morning if you want to. Personally, I like to make lists of things I am grateful for, this gives me something else to concentrate on and it’s also uplifting. Yes, the first few times you try this it will be hard. Forgive yourself for going off course and just pick up where you left off. Do this until you nod off to sleep.

      Last ask people for help when you need to. OR if people offer help say YES, even if your habit is to say no. Change that habit. You maybe allowing someone else to process their own grief and they just don’t let you know that is what they are doing.

      Come back and let us know how you are doing.

      1. Himalayan Salt*

        You are an angel. This whole thing made me cry.

        I think I need to allow myself to cry about it because I feel guilty about crying because I don’t have anyone to talk to about it really.

        I’ve had the dull pain in my chest and I was worried I had some heart condition or something because that’s how he died! I was so scared and… I didn’t realize everyone can have that.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yes, I go into irregular heartbeats with heavy grief. That is normal for me. I work with extra B vitamins to help keep my heart regular. But I work with a doc who keeps me on vitamin B through the better times so I don’t go as low when a crisis hits.
          Some folks have stomach issues, or breathing issues or panic attacks the list of physical issues that come with grief is substantial.
          Grief is not just emotional, it does have a physical component. Feel like you are dragging yourself from one place to the next? yeah. Pretty normal. Sometimes people can go the opposite way and get hyper- like spring cleaning the kitchen at 2 am becomes a great idea.

          I keep saying “normal”, but that is not meant to diminish the concern. I mean it in the context that we can acknowledge, “yes this physical thing is going on also” and we can take steps to do supportive things to help our bodies with the physical symptoms ALONG with doing things to help our minds and our hearts.

          For all this sorrow you are facing you have a lot going right. You know how to ask for help. You speak very clearly about what problems you are facing. This right here is HUGE. For example, so. many. people cannot say, “There’s a pain in my chest.” See, just by saying this stuff out loud, we break the power of these things. That pain in your chest has less power now because you actually typed about it. Another thing you got going on is the decision to let yourself cry.

          I hope you kind of smile. I had a boss who was very concerned about me because I was facing my first Christmas on my own. But in the end, he landed on, “If I could cry for you, I would in a heartbeat. But crying is a DIY thing.” (This was part of a larger conversation where he had changed my holiday schedule FIVE flippin’ times. I could not make plans as to what to do with myself.) Good for him for recognizing his limits here. (He also quickly agreed not to change my schedule any more.) Sometimes I deliberately put on sad music to help trigger some tears. Hey, that bottled up stuff has to come out somehow.

          Oddly, crying will eventually help slow down the pangs in the chest. To get myself through the crying, I would tell myself tomorrow will be a tiny bit better. Because that is true, the next day can be a tiny bit better because of releasing tears today.

          Sometimes funeral homes have a web page just talking about grief, and sometimes they list off resources if you are interested in finding more resources. I’d link you to one here, but that would disclose my location and eventually my name. You can google funeral homes in your area and see if any have posted resources and/or additional guidance.

          You are already doing better than when you first posted. Baby steps. Keep taking baby steps.

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            As one grieving two losses (one older, a beloved brother, one newer, my husband), I can say that NSNR (and fposte) were both so helpful with their advice last year.
            Do cry….. by yourself, take a walk, in the shower, where ever. Go out in the backyard or somewhere private, with an old pillow and a baseball bat, and swing and scream at the unfairness. There is a release. And the protein that comes out in tears is helpful – I can’t find the link, but I do feel better when I cry. And sometimes, I still do.
            A very wise coroner told me that I should think of my tears as rivers of love – as I was unable to control them, either. I needed to cry, I let myself cry. (I still carry a packet of kleenex in my purse to this day…).
            Not to wallow in it, but to name the feelings, acknowledge them, give them a voice, recognize them as okay and normal. Everyone grieves differently and there is no timeline or one right path.
            And it will come and go. At first, it feels like life will never be normal again. Well, it’s actually like life after a bomb hits. The crater is there, you just learn to walk around it. It becomes a part of the landscape. Not forgotten, but a permanent part of what has formed it now. That’s the new normal – when you realize that you are stronger,more resilient, that you know what it is to love, and lose… and cope.
            But I really applaud the reaching out. Don’t withdraw. Don’t over-commit, but try to plan something to look forward to, some part of your life to nurture, and get out of the house and do something (the volunteering is good, as mentioned). I set up something every few days so I didn’t sit in the house, and I also walked the dog like 4-5 times a day (some shorter than others) as a way to get sunshine on my face and fresh air in my lungs… and a change of scenery.
            Grief group is good. A wonderful source for me (I went through my church) after my brother’s death.
            It does get better. Just so you know.

    3. Princess Deviant*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s very hard. Allow yourself time to grieve and cry. NewReader’s advice is perfect so I won’t add to it, but just send you good wishes instead.

    4. The New Wanderer*

      I’m so sorry. My friend died of cancer a few years ago. I didn’t get to see her before she died, because I didn’t realize it was terminal and I truly didn’t believe she’d die, and so I kept waiting for the right time. Then it was too late. It’s the worst. I didn’t have or seek out support because I kind of wanted to live with the guilt that I didn’t try harder to be a better friend both before she got the diagnosis and definitely afterward. It tripped something for me that other deaths hadn’t.

      I don’t have any recommendations for coping. What happened for me is that I dreamed about her a lot. That’s how I process big heavy emotions and the dreams really did help. But I can say, it’s been a few years and I’m not shaken anymore. It’s unfair and tragic and you still have to go on.

  74. Marie G*

    I’m super impressed that this site is up and moderated everyday of the year. What?????? Is there a team working for Alison or is she literally working everyday?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Mostly I’m working every day, but I’m actually on vacation this month. I’m checking in here and there but the posts for this month were all pre-scheduled before my vacation!

  75. Miss May*

    I’m unsure if anyone will see this, it being so late, but for future christmases: how do I tell people NOT to gift me a mug? It’s a nice gesture, but I never drink from a mug. I don’t do coffee or tea, and yet this year alone, I got 3 mugs!

    1. misspiggy*

      Working it into conversation in October and November is probably your best bet. As in, ‘… Gosh, I seem to have so many mugs these days! I love them all but I’ll have to make sure I don’t acquire any more or they’ll overflow their space.’

    2. WellRed*

      I agree with miss piggy’s advice. Also, you have permission to donate or toss any and all mugs. Maybe your office could use a few spares?

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m not sure you can. I get loads of mugs every year, and unless they’re really cool or personalised, they all go in the box for charity. I just don’t have room for a zillion mugs.

    4. Beatrice*

      Yeah, you can’t politely presume people will give you gifts, so unless they ask about what you’d like, you can’t politely tell them what not to buy you.

      You can drop hints, as misspiggy suggested. It might also help to hint at what you WOULD like. One way I do that is by talking about how much I shop at places I’d like gift cards to. “I’ve been working on that new quilt for my bed, and I swear I’m in Specific Craft Store every weekend, if I shop there any more I think they’re going to rename the store after me and put me behind the counter…blah blah.” Another way is to rave about an inexpensive consumable gift someone else got you, that anyone could easily extrapolate other gift ideas from. “One of my neighbors gave me this lovely handmade soap, and I just can’t get enough of it, it smells like gingerbread and it lathers so nicely…” If you don’t have any good true examples of the latter, you can make one up using a person from a facet of your life that the person you’re talking to wouldn’t personally know…a neighbor, a coworker, your great aunt Millie, whatever.

  76. OyHiOh*

    Between the unexpected generosity of a friend and my teacher appreciation card from the Hebrew School director, I’ve found myself with a sudden abundance of artist supplies and – the shocking part to me – a sense of 2 dimensional art I didn’t know I possessed. See, the 2D artists in my family are figure artists. My sister is a highly talented portrait artist, she, our mom, and our grandma all do faces and figures and do them well. I . . . . do not. However, I can draw architecture and I can merge text and symbolism in interesting, eye catching ways. So, I’ve been having lots of fun with pastels, paints, colored pencils, and pens.

    Next week (if we’re being terribly precise, next Thursday at the time for the afternoon “mincha” service), my 11 months of mourning will be officially over. A friend asked us to brag about the things we accomplished this year. This is what I wrote: “Somehow, I found joy and happiness. I wrote two full length scripts, half a dozen one acts and monologues, and submitted pieces to one professional company and two contests. I started creating 2D art for the first time since high school. I learned how to help my children process grief, started therapy, stopped saying “it wasn’t supposed to be this way.” I modeled for a photographer and ended up with photos in a gallery show and in his book. It is the strangest feeling to reflect on this year and to realize that out of the greatest pain I’ve ever experienced has come the greatest peace, contentment, and joy I’ve ever known.”

    Last night, our Reform congregation, where I teach Hebrew School, had their Hanukkah program. The Hebrew School children performed a little skit, a trio played klezmer music and several of us literally dragged students out of their seats to dance around the building. And then at the end of the night, I discovered that a friend who I think of as kind of a kooky avant garde artist actually is a retired psychologist with precisely the right background to help my oldest dragon. Even better, the dragon in question *likes* my friend in a way that my dragon rarely connects with anyone.

    My sister finally finished the memory stuffed animals she’s been working on. The day of Mr. Oy’s funeral, sister, a mutual friend, and I sat in my room and sorted out his clothes: Donate, keep (I’ve still got that box and still haven’t decided what to do with it), and “make things with it.” My sister took the “make” box home. The animals are beautiful and my dragons love them.

    Link with memory stuffies and art I’ve done this week in the replies.

    2. Not SoIt is the strangest feeling to reflect on this year and to realize that out of the greatest pain I’ve ever experienced has come the greatest peace, contentment, and joy I’ve ever known.” NewReader*

      “It is the strangest feeling to reflect on this year and to realize that out of the greatest pain I’ve ever experienced has come the greatest peace, contentment, and joy I’ve ever known.”

      And there it is. I talk with women who are very afraid of losing their husbands. I get it. But I also see that each chapter in our lives can bring us something we never thought possible. And you show it here. We go through this fire and then on the other side is something we never expected to see.

      I remember after he died, I think it was the third month anniversary. I went outside for something and I saw a double rainbow. Uh, there were NO clouds in the sky. Then I saw where the rainbow touched the earth. I could walk to that spot if I wanted to. But that wasn’t the point of the rainbow. I had never seen this before and THAT was the point. I was opening a new chapter in life with a different type of joy and different types of experiences.
      Things/people get taken from us but we can put out our hands to receive more. And we many times we do. Putting the open hands out is the tough part because we don’t know what we are reaching for. The most important thing is to reach anyway.

  77. Kelly Kapur*

    I have a voice in my head that will tell me no sometimes. Like before I say something or do something. Sometimes I feel like it right and sometimes I feel like it’s wrong and it’s really confusing. Does anyone else have this?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      We are supposed to have intuition, it’s necessary for our survival.

      The tricky part is to know what is intuition and know what is Negative Nancy running her agenda.

      My wise friend said we can teach ourselves when to listen to that NO or YES in our heads. One good way to start is to think about how you feel, how does your body/stomach/chest feel when you are right on target? Conversely, think about the times you were wrong and how did you feel in that moment?

      When I am right on target, I have this sense of urgency or importance about what I need to do, that I do not get other times when I am wrong.

      Another helpful activity is to ask the opinions of people around you who you respect. AND ask them their reasoning for the way they answered. You can collect up the reasons and reapply them in other situations.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Am chuckling.
          Well if our intuition says, “No do not run into that burning building” and we do….. uh it may or may not go well for us. We take our chances.
          But for the bigger picture, I believe we can “turn off” our intuition by ignoring it. That’s what defiance is, ignoring it. We can shut it down entirely. Since I now see that we need intuition, this no longer feels like a good plan. I grew up around people who would say, “OOO– intuition— SCARY!” So that is what I learned growing up, it seemed like having intuition was a bad thing. Nooo. even animals have intuition it’s part of survival.

          Going one step further, much of what we call intuition really is not true intuition. Things register subconsciously with us and we can be recalling a subconscious memory without realizing. I’d also advocate for learning to use this. We have to learn to trust our own judgement.

          I tend to like the expression “gut feeling” because it seems to include intuition and subconscious memories. We need both in my opinion. If people learn when to trust their gut this knowledge can empower them in many different ways.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Yes. Everyone is supposed to have this, it is called impulse control, and it is vital to both survival and social interactions. It may be warning you that you’re talking to a scam artist, it may stop you from eating something that’s gone off, or it may stop you from being an asshole to someone.

      Sometimes your inhibitions can be hypersensitive, like having allergies. That can get in your way and hold you back from doing positive things that are emotionally risky.

      But that inner “no” is a good guide to stop and think. You may decide that it’s wrong, and that’s okay.

      The pause to think and take a closer look at the situation is its purpose.

  78. Help for my son!*

    Need advice from the AAM Hive mind. My 38 year old son’s ex-wife seems to be planning to move out of state (California) to a south eastern state against the divorce decree. They have two children, 13 and 9, that stay with my son on weekends and certain holidays. They have a contentious relationship pre and post divorce.

    She visited this other state with the kids about 2 months ago to visit her old flame from high school; I’m not sure, but I think she wants to get married to him. She didn’t tell my son she out out of state until she got back the next weekend, again against the divorce decree.

    We’ve suggested that he contact his divorce lawyer to see what he can do to stop this move, but so far, my son has not done anything (par for the course: He tends to be reactive rather than proactive in directing his life). I’m worried that we’ll never see our grandchildren again.

    My son’s ex mother-in-law told him yesterday that she had a big blow out argument with his ex wife regarding this potential move, as she doesn’t want her daughter to move the state because she also fears she won’t see her grandchildren again.

    I know he can get a restraining order to keep her from moving, but what can be done if she just leaves anyway? People disappear all the time and what really can be done to proactively keep her from moving?

    All insight is extremely welcome.
    Thanks.

    1. misspiggy*

      You might find Reddit’s legaladvice page useful, but you’ll probably need to say which states are involved.

      1. valentine*

        The best you can do is remain on good terms with the ex and respect her decisions as a mother.

        I find it weird that judges will help exes control residency.

        1. Fikly*

          Why is the mother’s access to the children more important than the father’s when there is a joint custody agreement?

        2. AW*

          Fathers have the right to see their children, the ex can move anywhere she likes whenever she likes she just can not take the kids with her.

        3. LilySparrow*

          If she was entitled to sole decisionmaking as a mother, then she would have sole custody.

          Joint custody means joint decisionmaking. That’s what co-parenting is.

    2. fposte*

      That’s really hard and worrying! I’m not sure that a restraining order is in play here, since she’s already under an order not to take the kids, so she’s got the equivalent of a restraining order already; as long as they’re in state, she’s not breaching the order. The main thing to happen is for Dad to consult with a lawyer. I don’t know if there is anything that can be done in advance of the order being breached, but that’s how you find out. If the kids are moved against the custody order, there are a range of legal possibilities, but they all require Dad’s involvement. And the quicker he acts the stronger his case, especially if the kids actually go; if they’re in the new location long enough to establish jurisdiction, that’s going to be a big mess.

      If the kids actually no-show for the next assigned weekend do you think he’ll go to a lawyer then?

      1. Help for my son!*

        I agree with everything you wrote. I’m going to pose your last sentence to my son and see what he says; it maybe the right question to get him to contact his lawyer now rather then when they leave.

        1. Help for my son!*

          I just found out from my wife that my son set up a phone meeting with his attorney, but then blew it off or forgot about it because it was during his work hours. Not sure if this is true or just avoidance on his part.

          I still plan to pose the question in your last sentence to him the next time I see him.

      1. WellRed*

        Yes, I mean, she could still up and move but the fear of prison is hopefully a deterrent. She wants to move for a man, not go into hiding and frankly, her boyfriend probably doesn’t want to get caught up in that kind of mess. However, your son needs to get off his duff and contact his lawyer. Now.

        1. Help for my son!*

          Ironically, my son’s friend had his wife disappear with his infant daughter. Took him several years to locate her (she moved to the east coast)
          and serve her with papers. Since they were married in California, she needed to return to the California court to address parental custody; she never came. He was awarded full custody.

          He even moved to the state that she fled to, got a job, set up residence and tried to see his son and she refused. He tried the local family court, but the judge said that California had jurisdiction and they needed to return to the California court as his judgement of full custody was not enforceable in that state. He tried to work it out with his ex over the next five years to try to be apart of the son’s life, but she denied him at every turn.

          He eventually moved back to California and has not seen his son in 11 years.

          And my son does nothing! I truly believe he is a coward and cannot stand up to his ex. Such a shame as he really loves his children.

    4. Merci Dee*

      I know that my divorce decree states that I have to inform my ex before I move with my daughter, and that he has the option to protest the move, but it doesn’t go into any other detail about what could happen if those orders were ignored.

      And, to be frank, I totally ignored the decree and moved with my daughter without alerting my ex. Extenuating circumstances include the following: 1) I quite literally had no idea where my ex lived at the time, so alerting him was almost impossible. He has a habit of striking up relationships with women and moving in with them, so their names are on all the utilities and he’s not listed anywhere as a property owner. 2) I moved exactly 5 streets over from where I had lived for almost 9 years, so I’m still in the same neighborhood and school zone. 3) My ex hasn’t seen his daughter in almost 14 years. He didn’t know where our old house was, so he wasn’t going to show up there one day after we moved wondering where the hell we were. 4) I’m still listed in the phone book, so it’s not like he couldn’t find me if he gave a damn.

      Granted, all that’s different than the prospect of having the grandkids move clear across the country. I agree that he needs to get ahead of this with his divorce lawyer, or whoever helped him work out the custody arrangements. That person will definitely know how to proceed from here.

    5. Anono-me*

      I think that you need to work with your son on consulting a lawyer on how to stay involved with your grandchildren; and the sooner the better. If she moves with the kids and your son chooses to let her, it will probably more difficult to change things afterwards.

      If you are worried about keeping in contact with your grandchildren even if they move:

      1. Stay as positive with their Mom and other Grandma as possible. (Even if the other Grandma complains about her daughter, don’t agree. You can be sympathetic, but do NOT agree when she says negative things.) Even if they move to CA and don’t come back; if you stay friendly with their Mom, maybe you can visit them in CA, use her phone to call you, facetime, and otherwise stay in touch.

      2. Go old school: Get a personal 800 number or a land line (preferably with an easily remembered pattern). Most cell phones do not allow collect calls. Teach your grandsons the number and make sure they know that they can always call you on it.

      3. Get on Facebook(if you aren’t already) and make sure your grandchildren know how to find you on it.

      4. Make sure the grandsons know your mailing address. Maybe send a few Happy New Year’s cards with them, so letters are not just a concept.

      Sympathy and good wishes.

      1. Help for my son!*

        We have tried, but he listens and goes about his life. We ask again “did you contact your kawyer?” No, haven’t done it but I will. Same story every time we ask.

        Great ideas about keeping us in contact with our grandchildren if they do leave. We have a landline and we’ll see, practice having both making a collect call. Get the our home address as well so they could write.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sympathies from an internet stranger, plus a disclaimer: I have zero experience with child custody disagreements. If my questions are unhelpful, please ignore them.
      – Is it possible for you to stand over your son until he calls the lawyer?
      – Does your state have any law-specified grandparents’ rights that would allow you and the other grandmother to call a lawyer yourselves? Does the law favor the grandparent-whose-child-has-custody over the grandparent-who-used-to-be-the-parent-in-law?
      – Do your grandchildren have any law-specified rights to express an opinion that the court has to honor?

      1. Help for my son!*

        All good questions and I’ve been researching the topics and have not been able to find definitive answers.

        My wife just told me 10 minutes ago that son had set up a phone appointment with his lawyer. “Awesome! What happened?” I asked. Son said he forgot about the call since it was during work hours. Could be true or more avoidance; hard to say at this point.

        I’m not going to stand over my son to setup a meeting; he is an adult and should do it himself. I know he really cares about his kids, its just tough to see him sit on his hands while events happen around him.

        1. Natalie*

          If you’re looking for definitive answers on grandparents’ rights, your best bet is probably going to be consulting an attorney yourself.

      2. Bagpuss*

        Is there any reason you cant speak to a lawyer directly, yourself? You may not have any direct rights as grandparents but a lawyer ought to be able to answer questions about what options might be available to a person in your son’s position, whether you could make any direct applications for contact if he doesn’t, etc.

    2. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      Reminds me of that scene in All In The Family where Archie and Edith are coming home from a movie, and… well, I liked it so much I transcribed the dialogue, and here it is:

      Archie: All I can tell you, Edith, is I’m surprised at you! Dragging me off to a moving picture like that! It was absolutely disgusting!

      Edith: Well, I’m sorry, Archie, how was I to know? I thought it was a religious picture, “Cardinal Knowledge!”

  80. Merci Dee*

    My furry cat boy is snuggled close on my lap with his face burrowed into my night shirt. He’s so sleepy and fluffy and sweet. But, oooooooh, is he going to be mad at me on Monday when I take him for his annual shots. He might make me sit by myself on the couch for five whole minutes before he comes back to snuggle. It won’t be too long, though. He always seems to feel a little puny for the rest of the day after his shots. He stays especially close to kiddo or me, like he’s looking for comfort.

    Anyone else have furry sweethearts who try to make you feel guilty for making sure they stay in good health? :)

    1. Cruciatus*

      Today, I had to wrangle my cat into the cat carrier. Five minutes it took. That cat is strong. He simultaneously went boneless while tensing every muscle to make sure I couldn’t get him in. It’s been nearly a year since he last went as a kitten so I couldn’t believe he remembered the carrier. The other cat didn’t see him but heard the struggle and hid even though she needed to go to the vet too. Then he freaked the vet and vet tech out by panting so hard she was worried he had a heart condition. She couldn’t find anything wrong (pretty sure just the stress of the day). And back home he was all lovey. He forgave me pretty quickly. So. I get it!

      1. Cruciatus*

        If it worked, here’s a picture of the dip as I took a break from all the fun of wrangling him because I just had to laugh. Note how flexed his one paw is and that at this point the carrier is on its end. What a twerp. https://imgur.com/bhDna8R

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          He looks as though he knows Exactly. How. Much. ruckus he is raising. (He also looks like a spirited, affectionate cat who is a good companion other than when it’s time to visit the vet.)

      2. Merci Dee*

        I bought a new carrier for Billy a few years ago, 95% because it was easier to get him into, and 5% because he outgrew the old one.

        The new carrier has the regular door on the front, which, let’s be honest, is nothing but a death trap for owners. But the whole top of the carrier is a second massive door that swings open for easier access!! So I open the top door, tuck his back paws into my hand so he can’t wedge them into place on either side of the opening, and just lower him in while my daughter stands ready to snap the door closed as soon as I remove my hands. Way less fuss and muss!

        Of course, I get him to the vet, they open the little front door, and he strolls out just as pretty as you please. They check him out, the vet comments excessively on what a good looking cat he is, and how well behaved (like, seriously, a couple of times the vet has sort of freaked me out gushing over my cat. Like, am I going to come home one day to a break-in where my cat is the only thing missing, and all that’s left in his place is a shining stethoscope engraved with my vet’s name?) Then they give him his shots, open the little front trap door of death …. and he steps back in the freaking carrier like a freaking prince climbing into a freaking carriage! What the hell, cat? I take him home, open both doors on the carrier, and he shoots out of there like an arrow from a bow. I don’t think he even touches ground until he hits the back of the sofa.

        In a way, it sort of reminds me of the way kids have of behaving beautifully out in public, but acting like raving cave dwellers in the privacy of their own homes where they feel safe to be themselves. And, much like with children, I would rather my cat be a loon at home than dump all that crazy on the vet. :)

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Your cat sounds like the one above. I was probably thinking about him also when typing my previous comment. Isn’t it amazing (and exhausting) when family members raise hell at home before impersonating a Miss Manners protege in public?!

        2. Soft kitty*

          Vets often worry about being bit. Having an animal that is not only not-bitey but also friendly is a big bonus. They probably know that most animals are good at home, but having a visit where they can enjoy the animal tends to be pretty pleasant for them :)

          1. Scarlet Magnolias*

            My old Monster was like that. I would take Max to the vet, he would scream like a panther, I’d always get some sweet new assistant who would assure me that “She was the bad kitty whisperer! All cats love me!”
            I’d warn her that this particular cat was immune to cat whisperers. She whisked off the top of the carrier and Max rose up in the air Matrix style, poised for battle. Several scratches later, she looked at me accusingly and said “He scratches! I could have been bitten!” Yup, lady, I warned you.
            Whereupon my newer boy Django is the love ball of the century, they call him “Champ” at the vets and want to borrow him to use as a comfort animal. They actually look similar, long haired black tuxedos with cute white spots on their faces

            1. Merci Dee*

              Ha! What a mental image! I can just see little tuxedoed Max leaping into the air in an awesome ninja pose with one back leg tucked in close to his belly and the other back leg extended for a flying drop kick, front claws fully exposed, little glittering eyes squinted dangerously, and his lips pulled back in a teeth baring yowl as he unleashed unbridled fury on an unsuspecting (but way-too-cocky) vet assistant. The battle would be over before the vet assistant knew it had started. Once Max returned home, he would carve yet another notch in his totem of vanquished vet enemies and settle in for a well deserved victory nap.

    2. cat socks*

      One of my cats has the most heartbreaking meow when he’s in the carrier. Luckily the drive to the vet’s office is only a 10 minute drive away. Luckily he gets settled quickly once he’s back home.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Yes! Winston yells all the way there. Even Gracie, who almost never talks at come, complains politely en route.

    3. Anon in IL*

      I squirt a fish oil capsule into the mouth of my long-hair cat every other day to prevent mats and hair balls. We have been doing this for years but every time it is a big production and he goes off in a huff for an hour or two afterward.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Sounds like a good way to cut down on hairballs. And I’m sure you probably tried a few other delivery options before settling on this one.

        My cat wouldn’t like having stuff squirted into his mouth, either, but he’d be agreeable to eating a spoonful or two of tuna with enough water stirred in to make it kind of soupy (that’s how he likes his can of wet food in the evenings – a small can of wet food with a small can’s worth of water stirred in), and then I could sneak the capsule contents into that

        Actually, I might have to try adding that to his wet food bowl. He’s not a long hair, but he’s got medium length fur and gets a hairball once a month or so. Thanks for the idea!

        1. Anon in IL*

          You’re welcome! I use the Welactin brand but lots of good brands out there. I did try mixing with his food but didn’t work.

          1. Merci Dee*

            Those crazy critters are so picky and individualistic. That’s part of why we love them, though. :)

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My dear departed Best Girl once had to stay at the vet’s for a few hours (can’t remember why) and when she came home she insisted on sitting on my lap – but growled the whole time! And hissed if I petted her. But she had to sit on my lap. Good luck tomorrow – I hope kitty has a very short memory!

      1. Merci Dee*

        Ha!! You were totally in the doghouse for that trip, but she had to keep you close enough so that she could constantly remind you of it! And there was absolutely no way you were going to talk her out of being mad at you. So sorry!

  81. Elizabeth West*

    Holy page breaks, Batman, some people I will not name (rhymes with cram-a-don) are extremely picky about formatting. And for all the trouble you take to make it look nice, a phone or tablet just messes it all up anyway. I could spend the rest of my life editing this stupid thing and there will STILL be pages with only one line on them.

    However, drop caps look awesome and you will never convince me otherwise.

    1. LibbyG*

      Does this mean you’re at the formatting stage with your novel? Ooh! Sounds tedious but EXCITING! I hope your post-move living situation is a good one for you and your creative work.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Are you doing it by hand? Yikes?

      I’ve found Draft2Digital extremely helpful – and free. And they have drop caps!

  82. Oopsie*

    I’m aware that sitting in bed and looking at my computer is really bad for my back. But… I don’t own a couch or anything (I live in an airbnb.) Are there any better work-arounds for sitting up straight when I want to relax? Like a couch bed converter? I don’t know.

    1. Not A Manager*

      There are these sort of fake overstuffed chair backs that you put behind you in the bed, so you have back support and arm rests. Would that help?

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Aka armrest or backrest pillows. You can get them at Walmart, Target, etc. fairly cheap. I clean mine by putting them in the dryer with a wet washrag for about twenty minutes to knock off the dust.

      3. Arts Akimbo*

        They are called (or used to be called) “husband pillows” and they are beloved of college students and anyone else who likes to sit up in bed! Highly recommend!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Plus then you get to joke about buying a husband at Target. Heh.

          Also, if you lay them “face down” they’re GREAT for propping you up at an angle when you’re sick and can’t lay flat to sleep without unpleasantness, but also don’t want to try to sleep sitting up.

    2. Trixie*

      Living in an airbnb, is that common option? I was assuming short-term rental leases or sublets were my best options for short-term housing.

      1. Filosofickle*

        There are a lot of Airbnbs (and VRBOs and all the others) that work like furnished month-to-month rentals. Definitely worth looking into if you have that need! (As cities have banned Airbnb, some have made exceptions for 30 days or longer so it’s even being encouraged in some places.)

  83. Borne*

    My friend and I went to see the Clint Eastwood movie, Richard Jewell.
    “Richard Jewell” is a story of what happens when what is reported as fact obscures the truth. The world is first introduced to Richard Jewell as the security guard who reports finding the device at the 1996 Atlanta bombing – his report making him a hero whose swift actions save many lives.
    But within days, Richard becomes the FBI’s number one suspect, vilified by press and public alike, his life ripped apart. Reaching out to independent attorney, Watson Bryant, Jewell staunchly professes his innocence. Bryant fights the combined powers of the FBI, GBI and APD to clear his client’s name.

    It is an excellent movie.

    1. un-pleased*

      Except for the whole reporter-sleeping-with-Jewell thing which is a complete and utter lie. Eastwood has refused to issue any statements addressing the fact that he fictionalized that part, the AJC requested he do. So one has to wonder what else is complete bullshit.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yeah there was a huge controversy over how sexist and gross that was. It put me off seeing the movie. I remember the incident and the coverage of that and the hunt for the real bomber (who is in prison now and never getting out). I don’t need it to be fictionalized.

      2. Borne*

        Actually, you are confusing the issue(s). (Richard) Jewell was the security guy who saved many lives by alerting the authorities and folks near to be bomb to move away after he spotted the suspicious object.

        Neither the movie nor anyone inferred, stated or claimed that the reporter slept with (Richard) Jewell, the security guy. Apparently, a tip was leaked to the reporter by an FBI agent, which of course shouldn’t happen. Maybe, it wasn’t pillow talk. Perhaps they were just great friends.

        The FBI motto is: Fidelity, Bravery, and Integrity. The FBI agent who leaked the info failed to live up to the FBI motto.

        My understanding is that the point of the movie was to demonstrate the shameful ‘trial by media’ that happened to Richard Jewell. This has happened to others since. Most recent, that included trial by social media, is what happened to Nicholas Sandmann, just under a year ago. At least one of the attorneys, i.e. Lin Wood, suing on behalf of Nicholas Sandmann was also one of the attorney who sued on behalf of Richard Jewell after the trial by media that he endured in 1996.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Most of that you can get with the previews. I would assume he would get an attorney to help and Borne doesnt say if the attorney was successful. I don’t think this is really spoilery.

        2. Yup*

          I don’t watch previews as I like to be completely ignorant before watching a movie. I do like to hear others opinions of the movie.
          I guess it goes way back to 1979 when the first Alien movie came out when I asked a friend if he liked the movie (he knew I hadn’t seen it). He spoiled the surprise when he dramatically recalled the key part of the movie when the Alien baby burst out of John Hurt’s chest.

          Kind of like knowing what’s in your Christmas presents before you open them.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            That’s a fine choice for yourself, but I think the way most people find out a film exists is by seeing the commercial for it. So in general, most people aren’t going to consider content from the preview and/or TV commercials spoilers. That’s info the production company put out to everyone in order to try to get them interested in the film. It’s a whole other tricky business when it’s based on something that really happened that was relatively well known and not super long ago. I do often like to see stuff blind, but unless you’re with friends who know your preference, people are going to assume “was in the ad” = fair game.

          2. Fulana del Tal*

            That’s the difference between a fictional film and one based on a historical event. It’s like watching a film about Abraham Lincoln or Henry VIII, you know what happens but it’s how the story is told.

      3. LilySparrow*

        I didn’t know you could do spoilers on real-world events.

        That’s kind of like complaining about hearing that the Titanic sank at the end.

    3. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      I’m interested in seeing it, but I’m not much of a movie person and my finances really won’t allow me the luxury of a night out at the movies anyway.

      If you’ve been debating whether or not to see the movie but the part about the reporter sleeping with an FBI agent for exclusive tips puts you off, ESPN did a 30-for-30 short about Richard Jewell some time back (“Judging Jewell”) that I think you’ll find of interest.

  84. Arts Akimbo*

    By chance, is anyone here from Nigeria or know about Nigerian cuisine?

    I was watching a tv show where they mention tuwon shinkafa, then I fell down an amazing rabbit hole of Nigerian cooking blogs! I am dying to try to make miyan kuka, even though it looks like the ingredients might be expensive.

    It’s so weird how some cuisines really get a toehold in other countries/regions, while others take longer to show up/get popular. Like, for instance, I could go out and eat at Ethiopian restaurants in my city, but I have never in my life seen a Nigerian restaurant. Why not, I wonder? The cuisine sounds just as delicious, and now I am dying to try some of these dishes! I guess my first step will be sourcing ingredients. Baobab leaves sound incredibly yummy!

    1. Jaid*

      Well, I’ve seen red palm oil at Whole Paycheck. Organic Baobab Powder | 100% Raw from Zimbabwe- 12oz/340g Resealable Kraft Bag | by FGO is available on Amazon for about 10$ for 9 oz. There’s a website called All Nigerian Recipes and they have a Facebook page. I guess you can ask them where they find their ingredients.

      Good luck and bon appetite!

      1. Jaid*

        Oh, and Russian supermarkets sell fish jerky, so you may be able to sub the dried catfish with that or dried anchovies from Asian groceries.

    2. Fikly*

      Local populations, usually. If there isn’t a local population of people from that culture, no one is going to spontaneously open a restuarant in it, because even if they happen to like the food, there isn’t local demand.

      Followed by availability of the correct ingredients, though that is less of a factor as dishes will get adapted to what is available.

    3. StellaBella*

      My cousin married into a Nigerian family, they live in Illinois – as far as. I don’t know where she gets things like baobob powder and dry spices – try Amazon? There are Nigerian restos in NYC, and in Florida that I am aware of – look up on tripadvisor to see if there is one near you. On BBC dot CO dot UK if you search for the podcast Natural Histories there is an episode from 2017 on BBC4 on Baobabs and the woman who is a world renowned expert on them, I just listened to this a couple of weeks ago. You can also look in your area if there are expat communities to reach out to and maybe find a cooking class?

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        It’s pretty expensive on Amazon, but I’m willing to splash out. ;) I will check Tripadvisor and also our city’s bigger international markets.

    4. coffee cup*

      My ex is Nigerian and we’re still close friends, so I could ask him! My city is now quite popular with Nigerian students, so there is now a small African supermarket, which I think is the key to buying the more uncommon ingredients.

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Our city has a lot of Asian markets… I wonder if somewhere we have an African one as well!

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        I need to look deeper– there’s this one large Asian market that I haven’t ever looked all the way through, maybe they have some!

    6. heckofabecca*

      I have a book recommendation for you!!! James McCann’s Stirring the Pot: A History of African Cuisine. It goes into exactly why you can find Ethiopian restaurants more easily than restaurants for other sub-Saharan countries in general.

      Short story: Ethiopia in the very late 1800s was consolidated under one African ruler, who along with his wife worked to create a European-style nation with things like a national cuisine. That just didn’t happen in many other places because, well, so many different ethnic groups with their own cuisines, etc + colonialism… There are certain African countries that very deliberately do not have a “national cuisine” because they recognize the diversity within their populations.

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Oh my gosh– thanks for the book recommendation, this addresses exactly what I was wondering! Sounds like a fascinating read.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes, I was so upset to see that. Such a sudden and devastating loss for her family (and the rest of us who followed her story). I keep thinking about poor Maravel.

  87. Rebecca*

    The little paper Christmas village houses lasted until yesterday morning. I heard sounds in the night, one cat was with me, the other was missing…and when I checked them when I got up, Godzilla had trampled the village and knocked it onto the floor :) I’m really surprised it lasted that long!! But of course, he looked so innocent!

    Happily, I have only first world problems to deal with – I tried to convert my prescriptions to mail order, I don’t want to but I have to according to my health insurance plan, except – they want me to fill out forms, by hand, and mail said forms along with credit card info to pay for said prescriptions. Um, no! So I tried to do it online, took a while to get it all sorted out, and when I submit, the site hangs on my phone#. Which is correct. And filled in correctly. And matches my profile. Very frustrating. I really don’t want to do this, but I have to.

    Hoping to have a “real address” soon to get packages. My neighbor was kind and let me use her address, but I should be able to have the brown truck pull up and toss packages at porch!! All I know is that the person I talked to in the county mapping and 911 office has spoken to the postmaster, his coworker knew that much, so I’m going to follow up on Monday. Fingers crossed!! And yes, I’m going to put a box with a number on it out at the road, I don’t care what Mom says, as I’m 99.9% sure she was notified and decided she was going to ignore this.

    I’m also starting the new phone search, so android phone, the Google, etc. but I want the gyroscope or whatever it is that orients the phone to its surroundings. Like in the Planets app, I can point my phone at a planet or star, and it will tell me what it is. I’m in no hurry. My phone is 2 1/2 years old, but it works perfectly for my needs and I’m happy with my plan @ $20/month plus tax.

    Hope everyone is well – my hike for today is canceled due to impending rain, rescheduled for Tuesday. Enjoy the rest of the weekend!!

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      Happy weekend, Rebecca! Sounds like you are getting things done (as is Godzilla, hmmmm). I sympathize with you about the mail order setup, and the prescription setup. Similar boat! I tried on Friday to renew a state license online, but it turns out that 4 years ago the agency staff had entered my middle initial as my last name when they set up my account. I couldn’t correct it now without submitting a formal name change, which of course would not be correct reporting, so nothing can be done until they return to the office next week. Computers are so literal! I hope you reach a real live human to sort out the meds plan setup.

      Rain is due here too, but that’s called a normal Sunday, so I will likely get out in it anyway. Rain in your state sounds messier, as I bet you have some snow on the ground for it to play with. Be careful if you are out!

      1. Rebecca*

        Happily, most of our snow is gone, but wow is it chilly, foggy, dreary, grey (battleship grey as our weather man says!). I can’t even see the mountain I’d be hiking on due to the fog, so yeah, staying home as I’ve seen how those movies end LOL!!

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Glad to see you posting and the progress. Impressive that you are getting so much done, despite your mom. Wishing you the best possible week…

    3. Observer*

      GSMArean and PhoneScoop are two great places to check specs on phones. One site I like that has decent reviews is AndroidCentral. (all of them are dot com).

      You can get a phone from your carrier, but you can probably do better by getting an unlocked phone, if your budget allows.

      Pretty much any new phone beyond the very basic ones will have the basic hardware you need. What you really want is a good camera with good low light performance. If your budget can handle it, I’d suggest that you look at one of the Google Pixel phones (3a is the least expensive one) which has a camera mode specifically for taking pictures of stars and the like.

  88. Kidney Stones are a Bitch*

    Best thing I did this weekend – I passed my kidney stone!

    Spent 9 hours in the ER, most of it in excruciating pain. Doc ordered a pain shot 2 hours in, but finally got it 10 minutes after I passed the stone three hours later. I’ve had kidney stones in the past and visited the same ER; usually got a pain shot within a hour. I think they were short handed and a nurse’s shift change added to the delay.

    I would have been better and way cheaper to have stayed home and chewed a on piece of rawhide.

  89. coffee cup*

    I forgot to take a timer with me on my run this morning, but I plotted out my route and it seems to be just over 9k, which I’m really pleased with, especially as that hadn’t been my intention. But I’m running a 10k in a couple of weeks, so I’m happy I managed that without much pain or difficulty. It was a seaside run, as well, so very pretty and not even that cold. I think I’ve now got a good excuse to eat a pancake!

    1. JobHunter*

      I am jealous. I have had some on-and-off foot pain that has become on more consistently this past year. The shift in my gait has started to affect my hip now. I have been running and walking less and less as a result. :(

      1. coffee cup*

        I’m going to recommend some exercises you can easily find on YouTube. I am obviously not a physio but this guy I started to follow is, and the stuff he asks you to do is pretty simple. He explains how hip tightness can affect knees, feet, etc. and even after doing the exercises a couple of times, I felt better (he also has foot-specific ones). I have occasional foot and knee pain as well so I’ve been stretching more and trying to keep things looser where I can.

        Here’s the video link: https://youtu.be/yivkzxDKx5U

        It might not help, but just in case it does!

      2. Melody Pond*

        Are you me?? This is EXACTLY what has been going on for me lately – foot can’t seem to heal completely, so it always hurts a particular foot joint when I walk, and now I’m starting to have hip problems from the change in my gait.

  90. Blue Eagle*

    The comment about the Hanukkah ornaments in one of the replies above nudged me to share that yesterday at the library, the check-out person was wearing a blue and white “ugly” Hanukkah sweater. Interesting.

    1. OyHiOh*

      The Jewish Federation in our state sponsored a “Christmas Mitzvot” (properly “commandment” but more commonly understood as good deeds) project on Christmas day this year. Cue people in red sweaters with white dreidels on them.

      They sent people to stock warehouses for food banks, pet food bank, soup kitchens, etc.

    2. Bluebell*

      um – one person in my family admitted they almost bought another person a sweater that said “Deck the Halls with Matzo Balls!”
      Oy. Just Oy!

  91. Mazzy*

    Does anyone know where to guy shucked peanuts that are actually roasted? I’ve noticed that some brands are selling them more raw / less roasted, they’re almost white. They don’t taste good that way. I finally found a brand where they actually roasted them to the point that they got a little brown, and then they taste very good. Now that brand is selling them practically raw, and I can’t eat them, they taste horrible. I’m so mad at that change! So as of now, the only place I know where to find them is CVS, of all places. Does anyone else know where to get properly roasted peanuts that don’t have sugar/coatings on them? Snacking on peanuts helped me in my last weight loss journey and I’m dieting again, so any help appreciated!

      1. Mazzy*

        I’m looking for known brands because I can’t trust pictures/product descriptions on the interwebs, if you’re talking about Amazon. Also, I closed my account a few years ago because they wouldn’t let me cancel and order right after I placed it, which didn’t make sense because I had just placed it so there was no way in heck that they were processing it already.

        Then last year, there was a fraud incident where someone used my CC to buy something on Amazon and they were completely useless in investigating it and supposedly needed the order # to find the charge…so I would’ve had to find the person who made the fraudulent purchase and ask them for the order #. I called 2X and both reps seemed stumped when I said I don’t have an Amazon account. They couldn’t grasp that someone could use my CC # on Amazon while I could also not be an Amazon customer. I got the feeling that they couldn’t log my call and keep their call stats up without me being a customer, so neither wanted to talk to me. I ended up just contesting it through my CC, so my guess is Amazon never really investigated it. It made me really, really apprehensive to ever use them again.

    2. T. Boone Pickens*

      Hubs Peanuts out of Virginia are excellent. They are quite pricey though so take that for what it’s worth.

    3. Earthwalker*

      All kinds of nuts are easy to roast on a cookie sheet at 300 degrees for as long as it takes until they’re perfect (at least ten minutes but no more than an hour, usually.) Sometimes I buy raw nuts in bulk just because they’re cheaper and roast them myself. Try it! It’s easy and you get to have them just as you like them.

  92. The Other Dawn*

    No question, just feel like complaining today.

    I really feel like my body knows that back surgery is coming in March and has decided to f*ck with me. Haven’t had spasms on the left side in months and I’ve now had four days in the last two weeks where I step down on the left and the muscle around the sciatic starts to spasm, especially Christmas Eve day because I was on my feet basically all day and then was sitting in a hard chair for hours after that. It’s not constant and the other three days don’t seem to be connected to increased physical activity, but it’s annoying and I have to tread slowly or stop walking for a few minutes until it stops.

    Workouts are now limited, which was the original bar I set over two years ago for when I would say, “It’s time for surgery.” A couple months ago it was, “OK this One Thing bothers me so I won’t do it and I’ll do something different.” Then it became two, and now it’s anything that will cause an up and down motion, like jumping jacks, jump squats, and jogging in place. I’ve also noticed that lateral pull-downs aggravate my lower back, whereas they never did before.

    And finally, I’m really worried about how to wean off the pain meds after surgery. I’ve been on them for about six months now with two more to go, followed by whatever they give me after surgery. So probably another three months to go. I know how I felt when I ran out a couple months ago due to the refill prescription being written differently and the insurance not allowing it to be refilled due to the time lapse between refills (I didn’t know this beforehand so had taken more pain meds because of increased pain that week and ran out, and insurance wouldn’t refill until the doctor called and it was the weekend, of course). This is the only time in my life where I’ve been on them for more than four or five days, so I’m worried. That said, the dose I’m taking is pretty low compared to everyone else I know whose taken them due to the weight loss surgery I had–I just can’t physically tolerate more–so I feel like that will work in my favor. I hope. (And to head off any suggestions of anti-inflammatories, etc. I can’t take those due to the WLS and certain other pain meds make me sick and/or don’t work, like Tramadol, so I’m stuck with Tylenol or Percocet, and Tylenol doesn’t cut it.)

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending a hug. Check with the doctor if you can use the lidoderm/ lidocaine patches? (the prescription ones are a bit stronger). I had WLS and can’t take anything but tylenol (or controlled substances). When I broke my wrist and completely dislocated it, excruciating – and there wasn’t anything much I could do outside of the controlled substances. The bad news is, the ones we had for my husband’s back were 12 hours on, 12 hours off… but the good news was, stacked, they worked. (and they worked for my mom). So used them for enough relief to sleep. YMMV. I haven’t tried the OTC ones.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve tried the lidocaine patches, both OTC and prescription, and they haven’t done anything for me unfortunately. This is the part that sucks about WLS: limited pain medication options. Tylenol just doesn’t cut for much other than a headache, and I’ve taken so much over the last 2+ years that it just really doesn’t work at all anymore.

  93. Lonely Monster*

    Holiday update:

    I blocked all of my mom’s relatives and her, so I had a quiet Christmas with my husband and kids. We opened presents and enjoyed the drama free holiday.

    Unfortunately the Dec. 26th resulted in 3 restraining orders and 1 arrest, due to the unstable nature my mom, sister, and aunt.

    Apparently blocking everyone resulted in a massive “family” breakdown. Because, who else will give them free money and labor?

    The best highlight was the police officer who asked me if I was trying to get the “family” discount on restraining orders?

    Luckily my moving date is coming soon so I’m looking forward to that and finally being free of them.

    1. Rebecca*

      Oh my goodness! I am glad you followed through and got the restraining orders. I’m relieved you are moving soon, and wish you a peaceful and drama free 2020. Your family will figure it out, one way or the other, and if they don’t, they can contact social services. And if they violate the restraining orders, maybe standing in front of a judge trying to explain themselves might slap some reality into their world.

        1. Anono-me*

          Get a po box . (There are ways to request forward mail addresses or items can be sent with tracking Etc)

          You will find a lot of helpful advice on how to deal with this situation in material for women trying to leave abusive partners.

          I hope you have a Happy New Year.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Glad you made it through (with some material for a dark humor comedy set). I was thinking of you,

  94. Yup*

    I feel your pain and so does my wife. I had broken my back many years ago in a motorcycle accident (two level compressions fractures). Fractures healed well and was out of the back brace at 8 weeks. Limited amount of small dose opiates got me through it.

    Fast forward 20 years when I’m getting out of bed when I suddenly get massive electric burning pain radiating down both legs. Massive muscle spasms commenced shortly there after.

    Saw my wife’s back doctor who diagnosed me with torn vertebral discs. The disc tears started from my accident 20 years before and finally worked there way from the center to the outside of the discs and caused the radiating pain. 10 days of bed rest started the healing process and body mechanics to know how to move with a bad back. More opioids to help with the pain. I’ve tweaked my back more times than I can count over the proceeding years – I had to learn the hard way that I can’t pick up heavery things off the floor while twisting.

    I could write a book about my wife’s back problems. She was rear ended by an uninsured drunk driver going 45 MPH while waiting at a stop light. She was 26 when it happened. She had to sue her car insurance company to get them to pay the $100,000 uninsured coverage she had (all of which when to cover her medical expenses.
    She has has the following surgeries over the preceeding years
    1 Laminectomy
    2 Laminectomy plus fusion at L4, L5
    (she then broke her fusion when her chair rolled away from her when she stood up to help a customer and the fell onto the floor rather than sitting on the chair)
    3 Abdominal micro discectomy

    We’ve been married for 33 years and she has not worked since that last surgery. She is been through the gamut of physical therapy, pain management, massive doses of painkillers, muscle relaxers and fentanyl patches. Through self determination and the help of a great doctor, she slowly weaned herself off the pain killers and she’s finally completely off all medications for pain. It was a 30 year journey.

    Good luck on you upcoming surgery and if you believe you can, the you will.

  95. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I’m seriously considering not hosting my partner’s father next year during our beach week. FIL comes on Christmas Eve and leaves on Boxing Day. Two years ago he brought his awful wife and her nice mother, and they all entertained each other. Last year he came alone (separated from awful wife) and showed up with a horrible cold that I later caught. Gee, thanks. Last year he mostly slept. This year he came alone, but he spent every freaking second texting his girlfriend– he couldn’t spend Christmas with her because she’s not divorced and she and her husband have grandkids they spent the holiday with. FIL paid no attention to me or his son. He never offered to help. We would have a conversation, he would be half involved, then he would say something that proved he hadn’t been listening. What really chafes me, though, is that he never asks us anything. How are our lives, our jobs, my family, our friends, our new city, etc. Nothing. It’s like it doesn’t matter that we’re even there.

    All of this is more annoying than anything, but I’ve had it and told my partner. He’s pretty fed up too. This girlfriend takes up all of the space in FIL’s head to the point where no one else matters– this is not cute in a man in his 70s who’s been married more than five times. Just spend some quality time with your son! Or stay home and text your gf from the comfort of your own living room so I don’t have to bust my ass feeding you and washing your dishes! Blerg.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Then he just wouldn’t leave it. :-) He’s better off staying home. We’re Jewish so no Christmas, and this year it felt especially pointless.

    2. Anono-me*

      He sounds like a very challenging person to host. That being said, how does your partner feel about his father and the visits? Is this ‘As Good As Dad Gets’ for your partner?

      If you do continue to invite the guy, I would strongly suggest changing the timing of when he is invited. (Especially next year, since he might want to stay Sunday too.) What if you invited him to come the first two or three days? Right now the first third of your vacation is spent anticipating his unpleasant visit, the middle third is the unpleasant visit, and the last third is spent recovering from it. If he comes at the beginning, then after the visit you guys can get on with enjoying your together time. Also you will have the distractions of getting settled in and a trip to the grocery store (or two) when things get stressful.

  96. Might be Spam*

    For Christmas this year I’m getting false accusations of elder abuse and forgery via group texts from one of my sisters and the rest are just piling on. I have four sisters so that is a lot of piling on.

    One sister wants me arrested for signing my own name to a joint checking account that belongs to me and my mother (for the the check I sent to HER.) For the record, Mom has a broken right arm and couldn’t sign the check herself.

    Another sister wants me to print out bank statements and bring them to to the family party. (I’m not going to the party.)

    The same sister who wants me arrested is also alleging that I am making my mother too dependent on me and causing her anxiety and learned helplessness and cognitive decline, among other things. Basically elder abuse.

    It’s a really hard job caring for our parents and it’s made a thousand times worse when family is causing trouble. I don’t resent caring for my mother. I resent the way my sisters treat me when I am caring for my mother.

    I’m tired of the trash talking via group text and group emails. Every time I try to be transparent they start group rants attacking me and I no longer respond to them.

    And after all this, they want me to write checks to them from our mother’s account for Christmas.

    Legally I could do that but I am going to contact an elderly rights lawyer and senior protective services first because she needs to be protected legally from my sisters. I’m also considering contacting Adult Protective Services and asking them to investigate the whole situation. I won’t get in trouble because I haven’t done anything wrong but the inconvenience and stress is hurting me.

    I know that my other sisters are going to say to just write the checks and that “sister” was just being herself and to ignore it. This has been going on for years and I’m tired of being the “bigger person.” The attacks are escalating and now that the legal system is being invoked I need to protect myself and my mother.

    Right now I’m not answering my phone and I need to figure out what to tell Mom. She’s still in rehab with her broken arm and I just don’t know what to say about all this. (She does know that my sisters attack me but she doesn’t know the extent of the abuse and pretends that we are a big happy family.)

    1. valentine*

      Unless your mother has dementia, tell her what’s going on. She could help you shut them down every which way.

      Your sisters are accusing you of something they’re telling you to do: elder abuse via financial theft. I would understand if they manipulated her and she wouldn’t say no, but ordering you to give them her money is a bizarre self-sabotage.

      Block them all and be free(r).

      1. Might be Spam*

        Thanks. I need to hear that.

        It’s hard to find the words to tell her. She does not have dementia, but she’s heavily into denial and also an alcoholic and I’m afraid of triggering an alcoholic episode. It’s time to go back to Alanon.

        Actually Mom and I get along great because she knows that I am firm on boundaries that I learned from Alanon. But it hasn’t been much help with my sisters. Mostly my coping skills consist of avoiding my sisters. Unfortunately as my mom’s caretaker that is difficult. How do I convey important information without triggering a s***storm? That’s a rhetorical question that has no answer.

        1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

          You’d probably already be doing this if it were possible, but is there a neutral and sympathetic-to-you family member or friend who could be your point person with the sisters, to relay info and filter out the nastiness coming back your way? This sucks. I’m sorry.

          1. Might be Spam*

            Thanks, I’m going to try to talk to her caseworker at rehab. They need to know what is going on when they set up a plan to get her back home anyway. That’s a short term solution and I’ll try to find a long term person. I think she also needs her own lawyer if they are also alleging mental decline.

      1. Might be Spam*

        Thanks for suggesting Captain Awkward, I think I’ll get some great ideas for communication with my mom.

    3. Anono-me*

      Please please please consider consulting an actual criminal defense lawyer specializing in financial crimes. Your sisters are accusing you of a very serious crime. They probably (hopefully) do not realize it, but the consequences to you can be horrific. I had two friends go through something similar. It was a nightmare for them.

      You probably should ask the lawyer for advice before signing any checks for any family members or handing over any financal (or other) documentation to any family members.

      (If your mom wants to give your siblings Christmas checks; she can do it herself in two months and call it a belated holiday gift.)

      1. Might be Spam*

        Thanks that’s a good idea. Even if they claim that they were just blowing off steam it shows that they are escalating the threats and I don’t feel safe dealing with them.
        I almost caved and wrote the checks. Thank you to everyone for helping me stay firm.

  97. Piccolo*

    It stresses me out when there’s something I want to do that I can’t do consistently. Like it’s really hard to motivate myself to do something like go to a dance class when I can only afford to go once in a month. It’s like, it makes the whole experience really pressure-filled because I feel like I have to make it count. Whereas if I could go everyday it would just be part of a routine. And it wouldn’t matter so much if I had a bad day or a good day because every time away I would still be working toward something.

    As a result I feel like I have trouble getting very much done in general if I don’t feel like I can do it consistently. I don’t know if this is actually a problem or if this is a common thing.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Is this all your eggs in one basket? Could you find other pleasant and FREE things to do during the month so the dance class is not the only thing you do for you?
      People who are cut off from their wants/goals can really flounder. I’d start thinking about what it would take to be able to go twice a month. What would need to happen so you can get there?
      Once you get to twice a month, what would it take to go four times a month and so on.
      Can you set up an area in your home where you can practice? I assume there’s free videos on the internet maybe you can make a temporary solution here?

    2. Lilysparrow*

      I think it’s really common to struggle with activities that are just not quite frequent enough to become a habit. Especially with physical activity – once a month doesn’t help you build muscle or muscle memory very well. So it’s bound to be frustrating pretty frequently.

      I hope you can find a workaround to get more enjoyment out of it!

  99. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    Guess who has Hand, Foot and Mouth? (Minus mouth). Aside from ice, advil and lidocaine, any suggestions on how to manage? I am so uncomfortable :(

  100. Dating woes*

    Am I doing this wrong or something?
    Just had a lovely (so I thought) date with a guy I met online.
    I texted him afterwards to say I enjoyed his company and would like a 2nd date if he’s up for it?

    He replied that he’s overly cautious about these things, but we seemed to get on and he’d look forward to another date.

    I didn’t understand what this meant sooo I asked him and he said that he is fearful of hurting or disappointing someone which is why he’s cautious.

    I can’t day I’m any clearer, but it’s he warning me off?
    Was I too full on?
    To me it’s simple – you like someone you see them again, if not no hard feelings right?

    I don’t get it.
    Maybe some outside perspective will help? Please!

    1. Courageous cat*

      It could mean anything – he had a bad experience recently, he’s letting you down gently, he has self-esteem issues – really anything. All you can do is do what Alison says about jobs. You put the ball in his court, he knows you want to see him again, now it’s time to let it alone and don’t think about it too much further. If he instigates it will just be a pleasant surprise.

      1. Dating woes*

        Ah thank you! My intuition isn’t completely off then.
        I have said to him I don’t want to pressure him so I’ll leave it up to him to get in touch with me if he wants to meet up again.
        Then yes I’ll just go on other dates and if he gets back in touch it’ll be a nice surprise!
        Great advice, thanks.

        1. Courageous cat*

          No problem! You’ll do great if you can keep expectations somewhat low – it’s something I struggle with too, but it seems to be key.

    2. WellRed*

      If you have never read it, I always recommend Reading “he’s just not that into you.” If I’d read that 20 years sooner could have saved myself some aggro.

    3. LilySparrow*

      I would take that as a heads-up that he is not interested in pursuing a relationship, but is willing to hook up with no strings attached.

      If you want to date with a view to building a possible LTR, this is probably not a good candidate. If FWB is okay by you, go ahead. But use all of the protection, because that phrasing is usually code for “not exclusive.”

  101. Courageous cat*

    Does anyone feel like the amount of nesting fails have really increased on this site lately? I wonder if something is different with the commenting mechanism. It makes long threads like these kind of disjointed to read.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      I think more and more folks are replying on their phones?For me, it is much harder to get the nesting/reply correct with the small screen. One theory.

      1. LGC*

        I’ve also noticed that this site is…not great on mobile. About once an hour I’ll get the “Oh Snap!” error on mobile (Chrome on iOS), but I can’t remember ever getting it on my laptop.

      3. Courageous cat*

        That’s a good point, I wonder if that’s the issue. I also feel like on desktop it can be hard if you start a reply to someone else, then decide to stop replying and go to make your own comment later – but that’s the opposite of the problem I usually see occurring here.

  102. families!*

    My mother and i live far away and she suggested we meet in 3rd city in early January (like the 6th we are the 29th today). She had some tentative dates but could not finalize plans because she is too busy. Meanwhile, as expected and explained to her, stuff has come up in my life, mostly at work, some meetings, trainings in this new software we have to learn, etc. I also dislike last minute plans so am trying to make allowance for that. I make dinner plans with friends with more planning than this. Every time I’ve brought this up (since mid-Nov) she said she’d been too busy to plan. I get that she is busy but I find it so rude that she’s stringing me along; I feel i should have just told her i couldn’t make it. And I resent that I am trying to do a nice thing but getting punished for it, and now I’m not in the mood for it anymore. How to tell her she is being rude and how to set better boundaries in the future?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Send her an email? I like email for questions that take a bit of back and forth.

      Or decide not to go. Tell her that time period is all booked up now and you guys will have to look at February/have to wait/whatever. I might be tempted to go this way because it sounds like you have initiated several times. Really this is one way to set boundaries. “No, mom, I am all booked up now so I can’t go on the 6th. I warned you this could happen and it did.” Repeat this each time it happens.

      1. valentine*

        What if you either designate a random holiday as yours or pick a date each quarter or twice annually and confirm or cancel two weeks ahead? (With later cancellation, but not reinstatement, allowed.) If it’s regular and known, there’s no planning together (because that’s not happening because she won’t do it!). Either the 6th or National Pi(e) Day works or it doesn’t. You don’t sweat it.

    2. fposte*

      Is this her normal state? Because this sounds like it could be two people with vastly different ideas of how to schedule things; team Spontaneous freaks out at having to make a commitment and team Planner freaks out at not having one. That’s less rudeness than incompatibility.

      The thing here, though, is that this isn’t a friend, somebody with whom you have parity. This is your mother, who you’d hope would be able to prioritize time with you; maybe what you’re really saying is that your feelings are really, really hurt by her failure to make this happen in a way that works for you.

      If that’s true, do you think you could say that to her? “Mom, I really wanted this, and it feels like you don’t care enough about seeing me to plan. That really hurts.” And then for future boundaries, decide what your price of admission is. How long before a trip or visit do you need to make a plan? Decide that, share it, and stick to it. “Mom, I can do something with you in January if we choose the date and venue by the beginning of December. If we don’t make that, January’s out, because I’ll have commitments, so we can try again later in the year.” If on Christmas she says “Oh, and I’m still thinking about January,” you say “Mom, remember we didn’t get that planned, so we’re not meeting in January. Maybe in [whenever.]”

      Sorry. This sounds frustrating. I’m Team Planner and this would drive me bats.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I wouldn’t tell her that she’s being rude. I think the easiest response is a somewhat-breezy “oops, sorry Mom, the week of the 6th won’t work because like I told you, my time fills up if I don’t have definite plans! Next time let’s be sure to finalize things earlier.”

      For me, when I start to feel like this: “Every time I’ve brought this up (since mid-Nov) she said she’d been too busy to plan. I get that she is busy but I find it so rude that she’s stringing me along,” I know it’s time for me to disengage a bit. It’s hard, but next time if you’re able to recognize when you are getting frustrated and hurt by her lack of response, then you can press pause. “Hey, Mom. I’ve brought this up a couple of times but you’ve always been too busy to make plans. I’m going to go ahead and make my own schedule. If something opens up for you, let me know, and if I’m still free we’ll be sure to get together!”

      I’m sorry. It really sucks to feel that you’re putting in more effort than the other person. But realistically, you can very seldom persuade them to put in more effort, so the best you can do is to put in less. And sometimes, that is enough to give them a kick in the butt. Sometimes.

      1. Daffy Duck*

        “I need to plan way ahead of time to get off from work.” Even if your job is flexible this one works well. In my case the earlier the better, just so I can organize the rest of my life.

  103. Too Late to Turn Stall Time?*

    Question – looking for a super heavy duty moisturizer and or next steps for some serious facial care… and I know this group will have some information. My skin has always been dry (no acne as a child) but now… with a recent bout of dehydration and my work habits, lack of sleep, grieving, etc… it has gotten really awful. Not just dry, but lots of wrinkles in various directions, suddenly. Maybe in the last year of coping, I wasn’t looking closely first thing in the morning (which is when I guess you do look 10 years older). But frankly, first thing – it looks like my mom’s (who is 30 years older). Very seriously nothing like I looked back the last time I paid attention (10 years ago). I’m getting a gridded pattern of wrinkles.
    There is also the vertical lip lines, and some loss of underlying firmness in the lower face. ARGH. I have not been vain – really. Like, no makeup for the first 40 years, still can’t get myself to wear lipstick, (I grew up super out of it on some of the girly stuff, for various reasons. I’ve caught up on dressing fashionably and slightly above next job, LOL, but… the skin care suffered from ignorance, I think).
    I am not actually sure there is much that can be done -if creams actually worked there’d be no wrinkly ladies (and there are). Short of plastic surgery and/or a laser burning the top layer of skin off (which I’d actually consider if this continues to look this grim…)… is there anything?
    I am taking collagen and trying to resume getting my zinc and B vitamins back up. (was low on zinc at the last blood draw, among other things). I’m not sure better hydration is going to fix this, but I will add that.
    Don’t judge on the “aging gracefully” thing. I lost over 25 years, wasted in a horrible marriage, and I’d really like to have at least a small hiatus between the end of that nightmare, and the onset of looking “elderly.”
    On the other hand, if light therapy, microneedling, and/or an expensive skin care regime is going to not cut it, I will move on to plan B and call the plastic surgeon for the laser peel.

    1. Selmarie*

      Maybe meet with a dermatologist for a comprehensive analysis and recommendations? Or, I think a retinol would be a good idea, with a moisturizer that includes hyalauronic acid, and/or niacinamides. Skin care has changed quite a lot in the last few years, at least it seems to me! Of course, sunscreen very day, esp. if you’re using the retinol. It takes a month or so to see results with anything, I think. I love Skinceuticals c e ferulic daily under makeup or moisturizer, elta md night moisturizer, neutrogena eye retinol, and I can’t remember the name of the all-over-face retinol I use twice a week. I’m sure others will have their favorites/suggestions, too. Self-care is important, imho, however you define it.

    2. Anonforthis*

      Definitely consult a derm. Get prescription strength retinoid cream. For over the counter, I highly recommend CeraVe’s Night Renewal moisturizer for the evening. Exfoliate regularly with glycolic acid. Wear sunscreen regularly during the day. I’ve also heard really good things about microneedling.

      1. Anonforthis*

        I forgot to add: the CeraVe cream includes Vitamin B3, hyaluronic acid, and ceramides, all of which are good for anti aging. I also recommend getting a Vitamin C serum to use on the morning. But remember to use sunscreen! All of these products make you photosensitive.

    3. it happens*

      Argh. Simple advice- water (yes, hydration does make a difference, it puffs up your skin,) sunscreen (15 as a morning moisturizer and then re-apply if you’re taking a walk at lunchtime,) and just about any moisturizer at night. Cerave is a good drugstore brand, lots of higher-end options, you can also use hydrolauranic acid serum before the moisturizer to do a little more plumping. There’s no magic secret (except for near-sightedness, which makes everything look better.)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have seen proper hydration take 20 plus years off a person’s face. This person had an apple doll face. She ended up getting hospitalized and IV hydration. She came back I barely recognized her as she was that different. Many of the wrinkles were just gone.
      I measure out my water in the morning, if I don’t measure it out then I lose track.
      My preference is for things that are low cost and things that I can do myself. Eating plenty of fruits and veggies can help. Making sure you get healthy oils into you is a good idea. I like St. Ives for my hands. I put a few drops of chamomile oil in my shampoo, which tints my white hair slightly blond and in turn makes my face look a little younger.

      Even if you go with other options you can still add some of this to your life and gain other benefits. Age doesn’t just happen with the face. It shows with the hair, it shows with how we move about. I have a friend who is just over 80. She walks around like you would expect any healthy 50 year to walk around. I have trouble remembering she is 80. She stands straight, she keeps her hair colored a soft, age appropriate color, she keeps her weight down. These things are just her norm and it’s working for her.

      You have the collagen, zinc and B, this is great and they will help. But keep adding new things to your long term plan to keep yourself going, this is even with doing the creams, needling, surgery what ever you chose to do. Keep your body limber, keep your mind moving by looking at new ideas/events/things. Invest in you for the long haul.

    5. moql*

      Go to Sephora and ask for a few samples of a rich facial moisturizer. They are free and the salespeople can ask more detailed questions about your skin type. Go to derm for more deep treatments, but finding the right moisturizer for you is a good first step.

    6. Observer*

      Good nutrition helps. So does getting lots to drink. Decent moisturizers help, too. They are not magic, but they can help.

      Also, avoid much direct sun exposure – or make sure you are wearing good sunscreen when you have to be in the sun.

      I’ve had good experience with Clinique moisturizer.

    7. Chaordic One*

      When moisturizing at night I find that applying a thin layer of petroleum jelly over top of the moisturizer under my eyes and on my lips helps to seal it in and seems to help the moisturizer do a better job. I also make sure to moisturize under my chin and on my neck. Also be sure to use a mild soap or face wash. (Personally, I like “Dove” brand soap, but I make sure to get an unscented variety with no artificial coloring. Their “Winter Care” version is very good during the dryer weather of winter.)

  104. Anonforthis*

    CW for alcoholism and depression

    Any tips for helping a family member who has ongoing issues with depression and accompanying alcoholism? What makes this case a bit hopeless is that they don’t seem to want to improve or help themselves. It’s mostly the parents and older siblings trying to force help (therapy etc) onto them. To make things worse, my family is religious, and the parents feel ashamed on top of it all. Any tips or helpful resources would be appreciated!

    1. fposte*

      Nothing for them, but Al-Anon for you. That’s where you’ll get the hard education about not being able to help somebody who doesn’t want help and figuring out how to be okay with that.

      Sorry there’s nothing easier, but it’s a hard mindset to get out of and Al-Anon is one of the best ways to do that.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. If we tell an alcoholic or a smoker (the two occur under similar circumstances sometimes) to quit the habit, all they hear is “you are not good enough” or “you are not lovable”. Which of course drives them to the next drink or cigarette.

        Just as we can’t remove the addict’s need for their substance, we can’t make the parents feel unashamed.

        I’d suggest googling the traits of alcoholic families so you can see the common threads that run in families who have one or more alcoholics in their midst.

  105. Cherry*

    Partially venting here…. How much do you feel responsible for someone who just keep falling on hard times?

    My husband (m 10y) relatives are always hitting him up for money, 2 in particular. The first one—they have 6 kids and there’s always something or other for which they need money. He’s soft hearted and always gives in because of the kids. (Car issues-wants them to be safe, behind on mortgage-doesn’t want the kids homeless etc). Altogether my husband has loaned out $20k over the last 20 years (bulk of it before we met) and we will probably never ever see it again.

    I feel bad but…how much longer are we responsible for them? The family of 8 went on a MONTH LONG VACATION (kids taken out of school, business left behind) recently and while they were gone their business of 2 years suffered so they had a financial setback which has them behind on the mortgage.

    There’s so many other examples throughout the years but it all just feels like they constantly make poor choices and we have to rescue them because everyone else has no money or kids and finances are tight.

    The second relatives live back in the homeland which is a known 3rd world country and begged us for $$ to buy their own home. The relative blames her parent for the situation they’re in and were able to get my husband to help. Again, my husband felt bad because the kids would be in a bad situation. Once they got the money, they’ve stopped answering his messages and avoiding him.

    Husband and I have been DINK for the last few years, but just barely comfortable. I’ve always encouraged him to help out. Both of us are generous. But now were expecting one (God willing!) so he understands he can’t do this anymore.

    I feel like his family is manipulative and just see us as cash cows because we “don’t have kids and don’t need it as much”. But we’re also afraid that if we stop supporting them, they’ll badmouth us to the family and we won’t have anyone. He’s learned his lesson with the 2nd relative but idk about the first one. They’re closer physically and emotionally. He feels terrible so I am not going to rub salt in the wound.

    1. WellRed*

      Failure to plan on the relatives’ part does not constitute an emergency on your husband’s. A monthlong vacation when you can’t afford it? Even when you can afford it? Who does that? The kids aren’t going to be unsafe or homeless. Nobody gets to decide what you need to do with your own money. If they badmouth you to the family, some of whom aren’t speaking to him already, well is that really a loss? He can’t buy love or respect.

      1. Cherry*

        I actually did say that. He said that the person they put in charge of their business ended up being sick the whole month so operations closed down temporarily. I think that’s BS but again, i don’t want to make someone feel shitty.

        1. BRR*

          That sounds like the family members needed a plan b. Sorry if that’s snarky but I don’t care for these family members. I think it depends on how you and your husband handle money. I’d let the family members talk bad and my response would be “then you lend them the money.” You don’t go on a month long vacation if you don’t have an emergency fund (to handle The business not doing well).

          1. Cherry*

            ITA. It’s not so much the rest of the family but the kids that he (and I) are attached to. We’re afraid of being alienated from them.

            1. valentine*

              We’re afraid of being alienated from them.
              Apart from anything else, it’s wrong to pay to play here. This is extortion.

              That 20K could’ve been your nest egg and emergency fund. You’ll need one even if you don’t have a kid. He’s hurting your family and he’s got to stop. He needs to say no to them and you need to say no to him. Setting a limit on spending and no more giving to family seems like a good, fair plan. Speaking to a therapist might help him untangle this.

              Also, as much as you want to give, don’t give just because you have it to give now when you don’t need 24-hour nursing care or car repair or recovery from fire. Always look at how much is coming in and consider what you’d do in case of disaster, including somehow losing a lot of money. Because these family members aren’t going to be your safety net and they’re happily spending what should be yours.

      2. tangerineRose*

        “If they badmouth you to the family, some of whom aren’t speaking to him already, well is that really a loss? He can’t buy love or respect.” This!

    2. UtOh!*

      I really hate people who shirk their responsibilities because they know they have someone else to rely on, and it’s worse when there are innocent kids involved who are used as pawns. My SIL is exactly like this (w/out the kids thankfully!), and now her situation is even worse because she has a good for less than nothing husband who she’s thinking of divorcing (after she sells their house and moves in with her mother). I put the blame squarely on her parents for creating this monster as neither of her brothers (one of whom is my husband) would ever think to ask their parents for one cent. She has multiple degrees, a good job (makes over $100K) but can’t keep the money in her hands. She makes poor financial decisions (buys a house she can’t afford, and a BMW because she HAD to have one), and her husband is always losing jobs due to his incompetence and temper. Her mother is a nervous wreck over this, and talks out of both sides of her mouth, she can complain about her daughter, but if anyone else does, it’s excuse after excuse (oh, she only drinks when she’s with him, oh, it’s all (husband’s fault)). I’m SO glad my husband does not and will not fall for her poor me act, because that’s exactly what it is. We have no idea if she will get divorced, but if she does, she’ll have to probably give him alimony and half her pension. Oh, did I mention she’s 58 years old?

    3. LibbyG*

      Well, can you budget for it? Like, if you mentally budget $600/yr ($50/month) for them. Then hand it over (as a gift) when the money is there and gently say no when the budget is spent? It might feel more volitional and in control that way, while still acting on your generous nature and affection for the niblings. It might make it easier to ignore their unwise choices.

    4. Natalie*

      How do you guys budget and share finances? If this is coming out of your shared pot somehow, than you need to have a serious conversation (or rather series of serious conversations) about what your budget looks like post-kid, what your goals are, etc, and then stick to the budget you’ve agreed on, whether that has zero dollars or a million dollars for relatives. Generally speaking you need to be on the same page about shared money anyway, so use this as a motivation if you aren’t there yet. YNAB works well for my husband and I, but there are tons of other tools out there.

      If it’s coming out of his personal budget (however that works for you) then IMO you have to let it go. You can think he’s foolish or soft-hearted, but his personal money is his to spend how he wants.

    5. WS*

      I have a manipulative but mentally ill relative who also has entirely genuine crises fairly frequently and needs financial support. I deal with this by budgeting a certain amount and putting that in a savings account. When she needs it, I have some money there, but not an endless stream of it. She spreads her requests around the family more and asks me less, and I am both able to help out sometimes and also say no when the limit is reached. It was hard, emotionally, to set up and it’s still hard to say no, but having that finite amount there is really helpful to me.

  106. Piccolo*

    I don’t know if this is too late to post but… Maybe I could get some advice before the week.

    I grew up in an abusive household and I didn’t know that I was abused until I was later in my 20s. I knew I didn’t like being at home but I internalized all the girl that was put on me. I believed that I was crazy and weird.

    No I’m in my 30s and I guess I’m starting to realize that publicly a lot of people feel the same way about me as the people I lived with growing up. I don’t think it’s fair to be bullied by your parents, but I guess I’m realizing the world doesn’t accept me in large part either. I do have a different personality than other people. I think differently. I can work faster. When I’m being myself I stand out. I can make people laugh.

    So now I have all this cognitive dissonance because on one hand I want to be myself. On the other I know more I show myself to the world the more I will be bullied. And it’s really hard for me to give myself permission to be myself when I have to live in society.

    The best solution I found was when I wasn’t working. I exercised, I went out and dressed how I wanted, and I worked on projects at home. I didn’t feel like I needed to hide myself because I wasn’t really part of society. I only did things that I was comfortable with.

    But that wasn’t sustainable obviously because I needed money. It was nice to live in a fantasy for a little while but now every time I walk down the street I feel like I’m going to get attacked. And I think it’s one thing for people to know that you’re different and another to be attacked for it. And it’s really hard for me to separate post to in my mind after growing up the way I did.

    So I’m not really sure what to do now because I feel like if I intentionally am putting myself down all the time I am in one sense killing myself slowly. But I feel like it’s keeping me safe from the outside world. So you can’t be too good at anything or people want you dead.

    I didn’t mean to make it this dark I just don’t know where to go from here.

    2. Piccolo*

      PS It makes me really sad to see videos of myself because I can tell that I’m trying really hard to bury myself. Like I’m putting on this façade of shame and feeling insecure. It’s like all fake. I guess it’s not fake because if I am doing it then I must being secure enough to do it but… It’s not authentic. Like I’ve taught myself how to act a certain way to not get beat up. Even like in my writing. I will intentionally add sorries and apologies and put myself down. I’ll write something and then I’ll go back through it and try to make myself come across more subordinate. I’ll notice I’m standing up too straight so I’ll change it so I look down because if I’m walking too straight people might think they can talk to me.

      It’s so weird to intentionally do all these things in a world where people keep telling you to be confident and not apologize for yourself. It’s so weird to be consciously doing the opposite.

    3. Not A Manager*

      That’s really tough. Do you have a therapist that can help you with any of this? It sounds to me like you learned some ways to keep yourself safe as a child, that worked in the dysfunctional home you were in, but now you are applying them to the world at large.

      There are other ways to keep yourself safe and to fit in, besides making yourself smaller and apologizing all the time.

      My only thought about your immediate situation would be, could you behave in the ways that feel safe to you at work, because you say that you fear for yourself otherwise, but when you’re not at work try to live the more authentic way that you enjoyed when you weren’t working? You can still dress and behave the way you want when you’re off the clock, at any rate.

    5. Sascha*

      Therapy, if you aren’t currently in it, is the best place to go from here, if you possibly can. That feeling you describe comes from the trauma you’ve experienced; it is your mind trying to protect you from being hurt again. But the things it’s afraid of aren’t real, and you can’t engage authentically with the world because your responses are so conditioned by that trauma that you perceive things differently from others (not to say your perceptions are wrong, exactly, but they are not necessarily realistic or helpful either). You are experiencing the world through a filter and it’s colouring everything. A good therapist with experience in working with trauma can help you learn ways to handle that and to integrate your need to feel safe with your desire to live authentically.

      But try to remember, in the meantime, this IS you. This is you now. You are not just one thing. No one is. And other people are not a monolith either – they all have different personalities. Many of them work fast too. Many of them can make people laugh, many of them stand out. People come in an infinite variety of personalities, and many of them live safely and successfully while being all of those things. You can too. It just might take a while to learn how, and therapy is the best place to learn. You deserve to have that opportunity. Best of luck!

  107. What the What*

    Disgusting Alert: Am I a bee-yotch? So I’m on a flight today and the guy across the aisle from me (small plane, very close proximity) begins digging in his nose pulling out bloody scabs which I can see and flicking them off his fingers and wiping on his clothes. This begins before takeoff and throughout the flight. It looks like he had probably been in a car accident because of bruising on his face, bloodied eye, etc (and he had a folder marked “discharge papers”). Not only was his digging at his nose, but he was also rubbing and picking at open wounds on his face (looked like glass rash) and flicking that debris as well. He had his fingers on his mouth a bunch, too. Throughout this whole process, he’s touching the armrests, the seat in front of him and dangling his hands over the back of the seat in front of him. I’m growing more and more skeeved out by the minute. I felt bad for the guy because he had obviously been through something harsh. However, it is FLU season and if you are just getting out of the hospital, you likely have some hospital-y germs along for the ride, too. (It didn’t seem like it was a compulsive type thing—I don’t think I would have said anything if that appeared to be the case—but more of an I-need-to get-this-stuff-out-of-my-snot-locker-now type situation.). So I leaned over, got his attention discreetly and asked him to stop picking his nose in a bland, quiet voice. He said ‘okay’ and that was the end of the nose picking extravaganza. I really didn’t want to cause him any embarrassment to him or me but you just can’t be flicking blood and bodily ick all over the place in confined quarters like that. You can spread illness and disease. Was this a bitchy thing to do?

    1. Three owls in a trench coat*

      *SCREAMING in absolute disgust of that guy*

      No, I don’t think this was bitchy at all. Even people who don’t consider themselves germophobes would be grossed out by this. I think you handled it well by quietly asking him to stop and not making a huge deal out of it. If he was dealing with blood clots and HAD to pick his nose, he should have done so in the bathroom and washed his hands afterwards. There’s being a bit gross for medical reasons beyond your control, and then there’s this guy who is being inconsiderate and plain nasty by flicking scabs.

    2. Cherry*

      Not at all. Hell I was sitting next to someone who just kept sniffling and blowing her nose really loudly and just creeping in to my space. I noticed the flight wasn’t full and there were some empty aisle & middle seats. So I took a chance and asked a flight attendant if I could move after explaining the situation. I did make sure to be sympathetic, not mean. Luckily the flight attendants understood and were able to Move me.

    3. Yumnum*

      It sounds really disgusting to me, but obviously you were intrigued to watch him in action because you had to turn your head to look.
      Probly would have been a popular YouTube video if you to recorded it.

      1. What the What*

        I don’t know that I was intrigued…it was more hoping that he’d see me noticing, be embarrassed and stop. I have to say I pulled the blasé/no big deal tone and approach directly from the great advice I’ve seen in AAM. I’m really thankful for this blog and the healthy, straight forward way of approaching problems. It has helped me in and out of the office.

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