weekend free-for-all – January 25-26, 2020

by Alison Green on January 25, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: All This Could Be Yours, by Jami Attendberg. A dysfunctional family’s patriarch is on his deathbed, and his daughter struggles with his legacy.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    1. Teapot Translator*

      I tried to read Strange Practice by Vivian Shaw (recommended here, I think), but it didn’t grab me. I read Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir and Pachinko by Min Jin Lee and liked them.
      Any recommendations for novels that are set in another culture (not British or North American)? I prefer books that don’t end badly.

      1. Llellayena*

        I’ve got a few, I like books that explore different, non-European cultures:
        The Dressmaker of Khair Khana
        The Teahouse Fire
        Snow Flower and the Secret Fan
        Nefertiti by Michelle Moran
        anything by Lisa See

        Borderline North American culture would be Moloka’i which is in Hawaii and deals with the leprosy outbreaks and the aftermath. It’s different enough not to feel too “local”

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I enjoyed Strange Practice (also picked up because recommended here), and am now reading the sequel.

        If you would consider speculative fiction, I would recommend The Years of Rice and Salt by Kim Stanley Robinson. An alternate history that kicks off from the Black Plague, this time killing off almost all of the European population rather than a third. It uses reincarnation as a conceit to follow the same group of “souls” through multiple times and locations.

      3. Keymaster of Gozer*

        I’m a big fan of ‘Pavilion of Women’ by Pearl Buck. It’s set in China circa late 1800s and although a few deaths do occur during it the overall story of one sheltered woman’s journey to understanding other people is beautiful and good at the end.

      4. Koala dreams*

        I’m not sure what counts as another culture for you, but I’ll try.
        French fantasy: The Cardinal’s Blade by Pierre Pevel
        Swedish science fiction: Amatka by Karin Tidbeck.
        Chinese science fiction: The Three Body Problem by Cixin Liu
        Also, I quite like the anthology “Invisible Planets” with short science fiction stories by different Chinese authors.
        Chinese historical mystery: The Golden Hairpin by Qinghan Cece.

      6. Purt’s Peas*

        I loved Gideon the Ninth! I wasn’t sure how I felt about the ending—no spoilers but it didn’t quite feel right to me—but the rest of it was really magical.

        I’d highly recommend Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee. Space opera set in a Korean space society instead of an American space society. I love those books.

      7. Other Meredith*

        I just started reading The Magnolia Sword by Sherry Thomas, which is a retelling of the original Mulan story. I still have about 2/3 left to read, but I love it so far.

      8. Fikly*

        Not a book, but a book recommendation podcast. Get Booked is a podcast where two hosts recommend 2-4 books per submitted question (usually 4-5 questions per weekly episode) and they are amazing at both recommending not the books you’ve already heard of everywhere, and also books that are either written by people who are not white/cis/male and books in other countries or cultures (also translations!). Most episodes are a grab bag, but some are occasionally themed. They do books and graphic novels, for ages 0 to 100.

        I believe they will list the questions in the episode descriptions, so you can pick and choose what interests you – a fairly common topic is “I’m traveling to x region, what book would you recommend that I read to learn about that area?” They are good about not being super spoilery about the books, but also warning for triggers and the like.

        As an example of the kind of unusal books they recommend, the zombie apocalypse book they recommended was from the POV of a zombie, who runs into a human woman on a raid (for braaaains), suddenly finds himself not wanting to eat her brain, is confused, drags her back to his home inside an abandoned airplane, and tries to figure out why he does not want to eat her brain.

        1. I'm just here for the comments*

          The zombie book you mentioned was also made into the movie by the same name, “warm bodies “. I thought the movie was pretty good, but I haven’t read the book so I don’t know how they compare.

      9. AcademiaNut*

        I had the same reaction to Strange Practice – not terrible by any means, but it just came across as flat to me. I would highly recommend the Athena Club trilogy by Theodora Goss for something in a similar line, though – Victorian era, featuring the daughters/experimental subjects of literary mad scientists (Mary Jekyll, Catherine Moreau, Justine Frankenstein, etc).

        For other cultures – the Winternight Trilogy (fantasy, set in medieval Russia and featuring the tension between Christianity and folk traditions). Naomi Novik’s Spinning Silver and Uprooted are also rooted in Slavik folklore, and are fantastic. Nnedi Okorafor’s work for African settings (the Binti trilogy, for example). Liz Williams’s Detective Inspector Chen series (fantasy Singapore).

      10. CorruptedbyCoffee*

        I really liked Gideon! I thought it was a lot of fun. I’m looking forward to the second, but it’s hard to picture a book in which she’s not the main character.

    2. Crazy Chicken Lady*

      I’m still 2/3 of the way through Becoming by Michelle Obama. My kids bought me Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama, but I haven’t started it yet.

      (Clearly I’m a liberal.)

      Anyway, my birthday was this week. My brother bought me hard copies of both books, and got those copies signed by each.

      1. Former Employee*

        Happy Birthday!

        I love the Obamas. I read Audacity of Hope a long time ago and passed it on to a (right wing) friend. Have Michelle Obama’s book, but haven’t read it yet. I’ve heard nothing but good things about her book.

    4. Bluebell*

      I read All this could be Yours last week. I liked it, but it didn’t make me rush out to read other books by the author. Read Alison’s rec from last week- Such a Cute Age- and thought it was very good. Just finished a mystery set in Cuba called Queen of Bones. Not hard to figure out who was guilty, but some very interesting characters and I definitely learned more about Havana’s cemetery and Santeria.

      1. Atheist Nun*

        I was slightly disappointed by All This Could Be Yours, as well. I recommend trying something else by Attenberg; I thought All Grown Up was a much better book.

        The last book I finished was Lost and Wanted by Nell Freudenberger. If you have an interest in quantum physics, you will be in for a treat. But even if you do not (I prefer quantum mechanics and biochemistry, because my scientific mind works on a micro, not macro, level), it is a good book about grieving.

      2. Jule*

        I read The Middlesteins when it came out and have been…surprised by the continuing ramp-up of the author’s career, to be honest! But get that money, I guess!

        1. Ramona Q*

          You should read her other books. And I’m not sure how many fiction authors you know, but… you do not get rich from it.

          1. Former Employee*

            I don’t understand the comment that you don’t get rich from writing fiction.

            Just off the top, I can think of many authors [Danielle Steel, Mary Higgins Clark, the Kellermans (Jonathan & Faye), James Patterson, Harlen Coben, et al] who have done just that..

            1. Fikly*

              Well, it’s a tiny tiny fraction that do get rich, less than 1%, so if you go into fiction writing with the intent of getting rich, you are very likely to be disappointed.

              The raw number who got rich means very little unless you compare to the actual number of published fiction writers.

    5. CTT*

      I just started “Bones of Contention” by Paige Williams, about commercial fossil trading, both legal and not. It’s been interesting so far! I remember enjoying her New Yorker article that the book was based so I was excited to see the book at my library (which was highlighting all their books about scams/crime, I may have checked out a few other books…)

      I just finished “The Rival Queens” about Catherine de Medici and her daughter Marguerite of Navarre and it was…fine. I felt like a learned a lot, but the author’s tone was very disdainful – of Marguerite’s rivals, other historians, even the readers (there was a footnote about the city of Spa being where we got the word spa from and then “and you thought history was useless,” which, no, otherwise I wouldn’t be reading this book. I’m sure it was meant to be “funny,” but there was so much of that it got old.)

      1. OTGW*

        Oh no! It’s always annoying when the tone makes it hard to read the book. There’s been a few times where I want to learn about something but the tone is so…. usually like, high and mighty, that I just give up.

    6. Pink Basil*

      I just read Running With Sherman by Christopher McDougall, about a donkey he rescued and then did a race with, and I loved it. I also just reread all of Terry Pratchett’s Tiffany Aching books — the first one is A Hat Full of Sky.

    7. OTGW*

      I’ve been reading Sharon Shinn’s Twelve Houses series. I just finished #4 (Reader and Raelynx) and I’m so hesitant to start #5, the last, because I don’t want it to end. I love these people so much. I don’t want them to go.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        I really like Sharon Shinn. Besides the Twelve Houses series, I like the Elemental Blessings series and the Samaria series.

      2. Fikly*

        I do that too! When a favorite author of mine published the latest in my favorite series of hers, it was around five years after the last one, plus the main character was the main character from the first two books (there’s 15+ books in the series) who was not only never the main character again, but a minor character from then on. She was my favorite, and I was always sad never to see her much again.

        So part of me was hesitant to read it because I didn’t want have the experience of reading it for the first time gone, and part of me was scared to read it because what if it wasn’t amazing, what if I didn’t love her as much as the first time? Almost all of her books are amazing, but there was one she wrote that she clearly wasn’t in the mood to write, and it showed.

        I put it off for over a year. Then I read it, and it was so amazing. But yeah, I keep doing it.

      3. CorruptedbyCoffee*

        I really enjoyed fortune and fate. I felt like it was a nice farewell to all the characters, and I really liked that the romance wasn’t super stereotypical.

    9. Foreign Octopus*

      Last night I finished Small Island, by Andrea Levy, and today I’ve started The Golden One, By Elizabeth Peters, another Amelia Peabody mystery.

    10. Atchafalaya*

      I read Little Fires Everywhere, by Celeste Ng this week. I really enjoyed it. I’m now reading Summer of ‘69, by Elin Hildebrand. I read The Reckoning, by John Grisham a couple weeks ago. It was very good!

    11. Keymaster of Gozer*

      Picked up and read the original Kushiel trilogy by Jacqueline Carey, now onto the second one. Not bad, although I’m putting them to one side because they’re not great when I’m depressed.

      Mostly bingeing Star Trek novels. I’m reading Spocks World by Diane Duane right now which is awesome. I’ve reread every book I purchased during my extreme Trekkie days in the 90s too :)

      1. Llellayena*

        Fantastic picks! Jaqueline Carey also has “Santa Olivia” and “Saints Astray” which are less depressing but just as well written. And Peter David has the New Frontier series in Star Trek. Follows a different set of characters than any of the tv series, with some crossover of minor characters.

        1. Keymaster of Gozer*

          Peter David is one of my favourite Trek authors :) I’m ashamed I hadn’t looked at the New Frontier ones.

          Definitely going to look up your other Carey picks. I love her writing, I just occasionally want happier characters :)

          1. Akcipitrokulo*

            My first ever trek book was Q-in-law by Peter David. I laughed so hard!

            Also love the giant novels by Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stephens. Especially Federation, but a close second is Prime Directive.

            1. Keymaster of Gozer*

              I used to have the audio tapes of Q in Law! I’m gutted they perished along with my old car that played them. The book is absolutely top notch hilarity (especially the bit wher Q gets punched into the warp core)

            2. Keymaster of Gozer*

              Oo, Prime Directive is next on my list too! I just downloaded it onto the kindle. Hope it’s excellent :)

          2. The Bookwyrm's Lair*

            Imri’s trilogy is my least favorite of the three (he reminds me far too much of Anakin Skywalker until halfway through the second book), but you have to slog through it to appreciate the first part of Moirin’s journey in the third trilogy. I ADORE Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel series!

      2. AnonEMoose*

        If you haven’t read “Uhura’s Song,” I definitely recommend that one. Really nice to see Uhura in the spotlight for a change, and I really loved the alien cultures in it.

        1. It's a fish, Al*

          The author of that one, Janet Kagan, has other novels and short story collections that you will love if you enjoyed Uhura’s Song!

        2. AcademiaNut*

          My favourite of the old TOS Pocketbooks are Uhura’s Song (great aliens), The Vulcan Academy Murders/The IDIC Epidemic (Vulcans, Sarek, Spock), How Much for Just the Planet (Klingons, musical theatre (yes really!)). Yesterday’s Son/Time for Yesterday (Spock’s son from the past), My Enemy, My Ally (great Romulans), Ishmael (Spock lands in 19th century Seattle in the plot of an old TV show), The Wounded Sky (really trippy).

    12. Ra94*

      Currently reading Anarchy, the story of the East India Company. It’s a big meaty history book, but I’m finding it engaging and more gripping than I expected. The invention of corporate lobbying and unexpected modern relevance is especially fascinating.

      Recently finished a different nonfiction book, The Killers of the Flower Moon, about the Osage murders of the 1920s. A mix of history, true crime, and social commentary, which I really enjoyed.

      Also recently finished You Should Have Known, a novel I HATED. I was expecting a trashy but fun thriller palate cleanser in between heavy nonfiction. Instead it was aggravating, slow, and so poorly written.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        If you like the East India book, you might like The Paradise by Emile Zola (fiction). It’s about how a giant department store in Paris crushes all the little businesses (and the people) around it. I was thinking of Walmart the entire time I read it.

      2. Former Employee*

        When I first tried reading You Should Have Known, I didn’t like it, either. I think I wasn’t in the right mood for that kind of book. However, when I went back to it later, I thought it was quite good, though I’m still not sure how to categorize it.

        It’s definitely not the classic “the wife is the last to know” book.

    13. Ra94*

      Oh, also, a confusing recent read: Miracle Creek by Angie Kim. I enjoyed the courtroom/murder mystery aspect of it (though the legal details were pretty suspect). But I was confused by the branding- everything from the cover to the reviews I read sold it as a moving story about the immigrant experience, and I…really didn’t get that! The main characters are Korean immigrants, but (as an immigrant myself) I felt like their story was told in a very cliche way, and didn’t say anything new. Whereas the actual murder mystery was well-constructed and crafty.

    14. Jule*

      Uncanny Valley by Anna Wiener! REALLY insightfully written—hit a little too close to home at times about the tech world.

    15. Akcipitrokulo*

      Daughters of Nri. It is so good! Fantasy where the official story is that the Eze, supreme leader, saved humanity and is wonderful and just and always right and is owed everyone’s loyalty and gratitude… but he also orders all twins killed. So when the twin girls are born, they are separated at birth so they can survive… and they are the ones he’s been afraid of for centuries…

    16. The Bookwyrm's Lair*

      I just finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower and The Fault in Our Stars. Both are YA and quick reads. Both were excellent. Perks was a harder read thanks to the end revelations, but I can see in my own history the idea of watching life rather than participating, and what it means to be a friend who is spiraling. Fault was a harder read to start, since I knew it was about teens with cancer. Both had been recommended to me by the library’s summer reading program and I just got them off the hold list! I see why they’re considered classics, although I’ll leave a note in Perks to my own girls about not condoning the underage drugs or alcohol while encouraging the book as a way to understand people who aren’t as outgoing as they are.

    17. Purt’s Peas*

      I’ve been on a mystery kick! Waiting for the next Lord Peter Wimsey book to come in, and I read a couple Inspector Gamache books. I’m not sure how I feel about the Inspector Gamache books—I like them so far but I think the more I read the more reservations I have.

      1. Former Employee*

        I really like the character of Inspector Gamache. I also liked the idea of a place that is both English, Three Pines, and French, Trois Pins. Unfortunately, the “reveal” made no sense to me. You would have to believe that the killer who was not portrayed as being mentally ill, would somehow “decide” that everyone would have noticed his absence in a particular “scene”. Maybe this was supposed to be an homage to “The Tell-Tale Heart” but since he never seemed mentally ill, it just fell flat to me.

        Because I liked the main character so well, I tried reading the next book and was so turned off by the victim, a nasty, vindictive woman who, as I recall, was in the process of trying to steal someone else’s artwork and pass it off as hers, that I completely gave up on the series.

    18. Belgian*

      I just finished The Kiss Quotient. I put it down after the first chapter, not liking it all. Then I saw Roxane Gay recommend it on Twitter, picked it up again and couldn’t put it down!

    19. AnonEMoose*

      I finally finished “Absolute Monarchs” (a history of the Papacy). Engaging and a view of European history I hadn’t previously considered. I hadn’t realized how turbulent things really were for the Church and for how long.

      I just started “Circe,” and am enjoying it so far – I picked it up inexpensively for my Kindle awhile ago and hadn’t started it yet.

    20. Retail not Retail*

      I just finished Engineering Eden about the national parks and bears and tourism – it was up my alley in terms of my degree and my current work in addition to being just plain well-written.

      I read Nothing to See Here about 2 kids who spontaneously combust when their emotions run high.

      I tried the Yellow House – and this is after I had to return it and put another hold on it! – but it wasn’t grabbing me.

      Oh well that’s what libraries are for. My goal is to keep my checkouts on the same day. I am less than successful.

    21. Lilo*

      Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle – fun, end was a but weird
      Six of Crows – Meh.
      Red white and Royal Blue – the book equivalent of eating a cupcake. Quick, easy read.

      Just got off the waitlist for The Nightingale.

    22. Everdene*

      I’ve been in the mood for page turners through these long January days. This week I finished Blue Moon by Lee Child and The Guardian by John Grisham. I’m currently re-reading Little Woman (inspired by seeing the film) and after that I’ve got Pain and Prejudice by Gabrielle Jackson and Sex, Power, Money by Sara Pascoe lined up. If I need more comfortable page turning Celia Ahearn’s Postscript is in the ‘to read’ pile.

    23. Redux*

      Is anyone else following the controversy surrounding American Dirt? I am very here for this particular lit crit.

        1. Redux*

          The writer and publisher are really digging in their heels! Their responses have been so tone deaf. The criticisms I’ve read are not centered on identity politics (though that certainly plays a part) but rather about the writer trading in harmful, racist tropes. Plus from the excerpts I’ve read, the writing is just really not that good.

            1. foxinabox*

              You can also sift through the noise to discover a number of tasteless choices in the author’s past, her own questionable repositioning of herself as an “appropriate” storyteller ahead of publication, and well researched suggestions that some of her research is actually just lifting whole incidents and scenes from books written by actual Mexican authors.

              My own take is that she’s not presenting a sympathetic figure…but that it takes more than a village for this kind of thing to happen over and over again.

    24. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I just finished Are We Smart Enough to Know How Smart Animals Are? by Frans de Waal — it’s about animal cognition and the ways that humans have studied it over the last century or two. de Waal points out that sometimes animals look stupid because they evolved to solve different problems, and sometimes scientists have used the wrong tests –chimps can’t recognize human faces, but they can recognize other chimpanzee faces, which most humans can’t do.

      It’s a fun read, mostly narrative and much of it about the author’s own research with chimpanzees and birds.

    26. foxinabox*

      I’ve been on a Shirley Jackson kick lately and have read The Lottery and Hangsaman–both so weird and so excellent. I’d read The Haunting of Hill House and We Have Always Lived in the Castle previously, and the way she tilts everything slightly sideways and makes the commonest objects and actions into something panic-inducingly eerie is just….the best. LOVE HER.

      I also read Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng because I enjoyed reading Little Fires Everywhere last year and it really stuck in my head–EINTY I loved even more. It’s so sad and compassionate and delicately realized, and I love every single faulty, lonely, hungry character. Don’t read it if you hate to cry, but do read it if you want to utterly trust an author for her prose and her insight and her emotional depth.

      1. Teach*

        Shirley Jackson’s short fiction is my favorite! Look up “The possibility of evil” if you haven’t already. Deliciously malicious!

        1. foxinabox*

          Aaaaah that was so good! Thank you!! I was talking to someone recently about how the best thing about Shirley Jackson is how often her horror is based in warped ideas of propriety. Manners trap the good guys and justify the monsters. It’s so unnerving and wonderful.

    27. Quill*

      Slogging through The Magicians and wishing the main character were literally any other character in the book.

    28. Tuna Casserole*

      I read a couple of graphic novels that were very interesting. Green River Killer by Jeff Jensen is non-fiction about a police officer’s long hunt for a serisl killer. They Called Us Enemy by George Takei is a frank retelling of the actor’s stay in internment camps during WWII. Then I re-read To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee for a book club. One of my favourite books ever.

      1. Former Employee*

        There is a made for TV movie called The Capture of the Green River Killer with Tom Cavanagh. He was excellent as the sheriff who spends years trying to solve the case.

    30. Is It Performance Art*

      I really liked The Pursuit of William Abbey by Claire North. It has elements of fantasy like many of her other books and it’s also an interesting view of the world before and during the first world war.
      I’m currently reading Midnight in Chernobyl and it’s really good. One of the things he goes into detail about is the large number of institutional and political failures that led to a reactor that was a lot more dangerous than it had to be.

    31. PhyllisB*

      I’m reading Mr. Nobody by Catherine Steadman. I won it from Goodreads. I’m really enjoying it so far. I saw on the front that she also wrote a book titled Something in the Water. Checked that out yesterday. Has anyone read either one of these?

    32. Minocho*

      The Phoenix Project and The Unicorn Project – I’m rereading them both. They’ve made me really examine how I’m doing my job and prioritizing things.

  2. Reader in ND*

    I won a $10 gift card to my independent bookstore. They carry new and used. Any ideas for me? I like Elizabeth Berg, Jojo Moyes, Elin Hilderbrand, Ann Packer, etc. Is there some lesser known author that writes similar to these authors that I should try? Thanks in advance.

    1. Bluebell*

      If you’ve never read Laurie Colwin, I highly recommend her. She wrote fiction as well as being a food writer for Gourmet. Happy All the Time was my favorite. Home Cooking, which has recipes and is essays, is a delight.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Oh, gosh, yes. I reread Happy All the Time half a dozen times after I found it. (Was in my early/mid-twenties at the time.) I still recall some of her sentences from that and one other of her works (not as memorable–the title has not stayed with me). She was really good at observing and succinctly summarizing life details.

    3. foxinabox*

      Have you read Louise Miller? She’s WONDERFUL. Her first book was The City Baker’s Guide to Country Living, she’s right along your lines, and she is a big fan of indie bookstores!

  3. Llellayena*

    Wow, I think I’m first! Did I win the lottery? (Checks tickets) Anyway, I’m looking for show recommendations. I need to hand sew the binding on a quilt today and need a distraction on the tv. My usual shows are Star Trek, Babylon 5, CSI, Law and Order and other related crime dramas. Suggestions?

    2. Ali*

      I’m a big fan of Elementary. If you like very British murder mysteries, I love Miss Marple and Rosemary & Thyme.

      1. Granger Chase*

        Seconding Miss Marple! I started it a few weeks ago and it has been a great show to watch when I’m in the mood for a murder mystery. It’s also one of the few shows like that where the killer is not glaringly obvious from the beginning.

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      I have been binge-watching DS9 since I’ve moved into my new place. I can pop in and out when something gets interesting, and let it be background noise when I’m working on a project. I’ve gotten a lot done with this show on the screen.

      Sorry, that’s all I’ve got. To me, Star Trek is like jello–there’s always room for more.

      1. Llellayena*

        I entirely understand! I started with Voyager last weekend but I’m just not feeling it this weekend.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          Everyone at work is banging on about Peaky Blinders and The Crown, but I have just not had the time. I’ve been meaning to get around to Good Omens, though. Just hasn’t happened.

        1. Keymaster of Gozer*

          After Farscape, definitely watch the Stargate SG1 episode where they do a mock up of it. I nearly died laughing!

    5. JKP*

      If you have hulu, Harrow is a good crime drama. The lead character is a forensic pathologist in Australia. The characters are a bit quirky and there’s the obligatory body parts in a croc episode. Each season has a sort of long running mystery in his own personal life as well as each episode’s individual murder to solve.

      Also, Orville is on hulu. It’s a lighter, campier version of Star Trek.

    7. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Have you started Picard? I hear good things about it. Otherwise people who like crime things are recommending Don’t F–k With Cats.

    9. Keymaster of Gozer*

      Lexx is available on Amazon and is one of my favourite sci fi series ever. It’s…definitely adult though and I’d personally avoid the 3rd season.

      (I named my second car ‘Lexx’ in honour of it :)

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      On the sci fi front, I liked Continuum: a cop and some criminals from the dystopian future are sent back to present day Vancouver and both sides try to change history. I liked that most of the characters had chosen a given side because at some point the other side had started shooting at them, rather than because one side was Right and the other side was Wrong, or that these were the only two sides possible.

      If you like light-hearted mysteries I enjoyed Death in Paradise, a fish out of water show about a British detective inspector sent to a Caribbean island where people are frequently murdered amidst beautiful weather.

        1. 404UsernameNotFound*

          I’ll third Death in Paradise. It’s my Thursday night tradition when it’s on (and lectures or homework aren’t).

          1. Zooey*

            I also loved BSG but would definitely give a heads up for the general violence and in particular some significant sexual violence / torture later in the series. There is one episode in particular (Pegasus) I wish I had been prepared for going in. I’d say part of what makes the show good but sometimes challenging is it explores the range of reactions people can have in extreme situations.

      2. Windchime*

        I loved, loved, loved Battlestar Galactica. It was one of the first things I binged when I got Netflix and I was hooked.

    12. Anono-me*

      I like Sea Patrol. It’s an Australian show. Kind of Hawaii Five-O on a boat in Australia.

      There’s a British series called New Tricks that you might be able to find. It’s not a comedy but it’s a little bit funny. The cases are all cold cases so it’s not quite as dramatic or traumatic as a lot of the police procedurals. The detectives are all older retired policeman led by an active-duty woman officer who made a misstep politically and has been banished to the Cold Case Squad.

      Anything with Nathan Fillion is great in my book.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Be warned it is very dark. I’m glad my husband started watching it without me…I walked into the TV room during a firefight with plague victims and walked back out. However if you’re not prone to nightmares, it is really well made sf.

      2. Tortally HareBrained*

        White Collar is probably my favorite series ever produced. I just like how it is suspenseful while still leaving me feeling happier after watching it.

    15. Lilo*

      Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle – fun, end was a but weird
      Six of Crows – Meh.
      Red white and Royal Blue – the book equivalent of eating a cupcake. Quick, easy read.

      Just got off the waitlist for The Nightingale.

    16. Book Lover*

      Leverage is a joy. And seconding or whatever Lucifer and stargate SG1 and Atlantis. I enjoyed Witcher too.

    17. Aurora Leigh*

      For a lighter crime/detective show try Republic of Doyle on Netflix! We call it the Canadian Psych lol

      (And Psych is on Amazon Prime I believe, if you you are in the mood for hilarity with your crime solving)

    19. foxinabox*

      This isn’t the genres you mentioned at all (which are things I also enjoy, I have a signed pic of Ivanova on my office wall!) but if you want something compulsively enjoyable I cannot stress enough how much you and ALL PEOPLE should watch The Circle on Netflix. It’s supposed to be a cutthroat reality tv show based on social media, but it’s really eight fools living sequestered in different apartments in the same building, talking only to a TV that they think is voice activated talk-to-text (but which is very clearly someone typing behind the scenes), apparently having no idea what any of the rules of the game are. A lot of the players are adorable, and it’s got a great, acerbic narrator, and it’s really just….indescribably fun.

    21. Edwina*

      If you like British crime drama, I recommend any of the following!
      Unforgotten
      Shetland
      Vera
      Sherlock
      Foyle’s War
      Lewis
      A Touch of Frost
      Paranoid
      “Doc Martin” is also an absolutely charming British show, not a crime drama, but a medical show: Martin Clunes as an extremely impatient, irascible, brilliant doctor stuck in an eccentric Cornwall village. It’s got wonderfully drawn eccentric, but real characters, some terrific actors, interesting situations, and the setting is beautiful. Watch it in order, though–it’s more or less serialized. It’s not as soft as “All Creatures Great and Small,” and is very entertaining.

    22. Llellayena*

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I ended up getting sucked into the Hallmark Movies and Mysteries marathons. The stories are good if you can survive the soupy sweetness of the accompanying love stories!

      1. Tomacco*

        For sci-fi definitely check out The Expanse and Battlestar Galactica.

        For EU/UK crime drama/procedurals:
        Scott and Bailey
        Shetland
        Trapped

    23. Queer Earthling*

      I recently watched the BBC adaptation of Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders. I think it’s available on Prime? It’s a miniseries but it might do for you, if you still want recommendations. :)

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I was able to take the time to go to yoga and a late night swim. Does swimming ever get easier? I see people doing laps without stopping. I still have to stop after every lap (freestyle). It’s better with breaststroke but my arms hurt after two laps. I don’t find the breaststroke relaxing at all.

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        I used to be a swim instructor, so I can answer your question!

        Yes, swimming gets easier with practice, just like any other sport. But from what you’re saying, I think you need to work on your stroke mechanics. Basically, the closer to perfect your stroke form is, the more efficiently you move through the water, using the most efficient muscles, and . If your form is off, you’ll be displacing less water, or displacing it in the wrong direction, and creating extra drag that works against you.

        In freestyle, some things to look out for are: your body position should be close to parallel to the bottom of the pool, your eyes should be looking down at the floor when you’re not breathing. In your overarm stroke, your hands should be positioned as paddles and you should enter the water pointer finger first. From the point where your hand enters the water to the point where it exits, you should be forcibly pushing the water back, keeping your arm next to your body and not underneath it. This motion should rotate your body enough so you can breathe, rolling your head to the side and keeping your ear and cheek flat on the water to inhale. When your hand exits the water and comes up and around, put your face back in the water and exhale, blowing bubbles. For your kick, you want to be kicking using your hips and ankles, not your knees, toes pointed back like a ballerina en pointe (but not as tense.)

        Breaststroke is harder to learn because it’s rhythmic, but easier to troubleshoot. The fact that you don’t find it relaxing tells me your rhythm is off. The rhythm is pull-breathe-kick-glide. During the pull, your arms should pull in the shape of a football in front of your body, somewhat horizontally and somewhat vertically. You shouldn’t pull wider than your shoulders and your elbows shouldn’t go behind your body. During the “up” part of your pull, inhale. When your hands come together, you should kick to glide yourself forward. For the kick, it should be three dimensional, with your hips pointing your knee out to the side big toes tracing a circle, and you should press when you bring your legs back together. When your legs are together your arms should be out straight, and this is when you’d exhale into the water.

        I’m sorry for this being so long! If you’re more of a visual learner, there are videos on YouTube explaining how to do the strokes correctly.

        Good luck and happy swimming!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Thank you for that!
          I’m going to suggest backstroke too–it’s the first one I could actually do after a frozen shoulder.
          I’ve been eyeing some of the gadgets some of the strong swimmers are using– what do you suggest for me to try getting more leg workout when my shoulder says no more?

          1. Ktelzbeth*

            In the pool? Get fins and do laps kicking. With an upset shoulder, holding a kickboard might be hard, so try kicking on your back with only your good arm extended above your head. That’s how I do it when my shoulder gets cranky. If you have a snorkel, you can do a similar thing on your stomach, but I like back better.

              1. Swimmer*

                I’d also suggest watching you tube videos made by usa swimming to help you work on your form, so you don’t tired out as quickly.

                Also, are you holding your breath while you swim? Make sure you’re not holding your breath, but rather inhaling and then exhaling while under water, then inhale again, etc.

                Swimming is THE BEST!

      2. The New Wanderer*

        It definitely took me a while to develop stamina while swimming. I have lousy cardio-vascular fitness in general even when I’m in good running shape, and that’s the first thing to go on me when I stop exercising. So for me, I was having to stop to catch my breath after every lap. But take it slow and steady. Personally I love breaststroke the most because I have the easiest time breathing so I was able to build up to multiple continuous laps of that while every lap of freestyle still had me out of breath. But I alternated 2 laps breaststroke, 1 freestyle until I built up stamina to do more than 1 lap of freestyle in a row. I was able to get both going well after weeks of training (1-2x swimming per week, roughly 30 min per session).

    2. nep*

      In a break between ‘walkouts’ right now. Today’s workout is on a mat in a small space at home. Kettlebells, dumbbells, and bodyweight. Must stretch well afterwards, as I’ve lost some mobility and flexibility for yoga poses I used to nail.

    3. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

      I’d like to get back into distance running once the weather gets better (currently in the snowy midwest) but to prepare for that I’ve been focusing on toning/maintaining muscle in the gym. I created a workout plan this week that I hope I can stick to! Involving cardio to start (elliptical/biking/treadmill, depending on what’s available) and then rotations between legs/core/upper body. I don’t have much by way of accountability though, so figured I’d just share here.

      1. esemes*

        This week I completed two yoga classes, a spin class, a HIIT workout (a friend and I used her Peloton account), and a brief weight training video (FitnessBlender).

        I’ve noticed that I haven’t been walking as much, and want to make a point to do more of that in the coming week.

    4. annakarina1*

      My Muay Thai gym got destroyed in a building fire last week, which sucks for the staff and the local community of martial artists and casual practitioners like me. They’re currently looking for a temporary space while rebuilding the gym, so in the meantime, I got an intro deal at another boxing gym so I don’t get rusty, and spent my nights this week working out after work. Lifting weights at home, taking a dance class and being really rusty after not having taken a class in a year, and doing yoga. So just basically kept up my fitness to be healthy and as a release after work.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      Trying to get back into the shoulder exercises my physical therapist taught me for my rotator cuff several years ago. I slacked off – it didn’t hurt any more – and now BOTH shoulders hurt. Plus, reduced range of motion. Bleah…..
      The exercises used to be easy, when I did them three times a week as I was told. Not so much, now.

      1. Stephanie*

        Ease into those exercises, so you don’t hurt yourself. Range of motion takes a little while to get back. Good luck!

      2. Fikly*

        If it’s been several years, it may well be worth going to one session just to make sure you remember how to do them correctly. It’s important both for them to be effective, and to not cause harm!

        My physical therapist will video me on my phone doing some so I can have a good point of reference, and I find it super helpful.

    6. Overeducated*

      I’m slowly returning to running after some postpartum pelvic issues. I made it 3 slow miles today and I’m proud.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Congratulations! Getting back to running after having a baby was really tough, I remember being so happy when I finally could do 3 miles again. :-)

        Speaking of, I just am now getting back to running 3 miles after weeks of mostly slacking off on exercise. It still makes me happy. I want to do the Yoga with Adrienne month long session but so far have done 1. It felt good though, I really need to make the time because I was so tight at first!

      2. Double A*

        I’m in this same boat! I’ve did some short runs off and on the first year after my baby was born, but the incontinence was real, y’all. I had to abort a couple of runs because I just fully peed myself and couldn’t stop.

        2019 was also rough in a lot of ways so it was hard to be consistent, and I’ve resolved to get into a routine in 2020 now that things are a bit more regular. Just today I bought a new pair of running shoes and ran 4.5 miles, my longest since giving birth! And my daughter is 15 months….

    7. cat socks*

      I’m 42 and I’ve spent most of my life unsuccessfully trying to get into a regular exercise program. In my teens and 20s I could what I wanted and not worry about gaining weight. But with a desk job, thyroid issues and just getting older it’s caught up to me.

      I just want to focus on my cardiovascular health and strength rather than trying to lose weight so I’ve been doing exercise videos online. Last week I worked out twice and I need to get in a workout today to make it twice this week. I’m hoping to increase it to three times a week. Baby steps.

      Another fun thing is that after I exercise, my skin gets incredibly red and itchy and I break out in hives. It seems to be some kind of allergic reaction so I’m going to try taking an allergy pill before exercising to see if that helps. It makes it hard for me to get motivated to work out knowing I’m going to feel miserable afterwards, but I’m trying to power through.

      1. Sunflower Sea Star*

        In my mid 40s with a very similar story. Allergy pills didn’t help me, and every doctor I’ve talked about it thinks I’m joking when say I think I’m having an allergic reaction to exercise. I can’t exercise in the mornings because I can’t go to work looking like that (I work client facing!) and forget lunch hour for the same reason. If I exercise after 6-7 pm the itching keeps me awake.
        It’s so frustrating.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          Allergy to exercise is absolutely a thing, either a reaction to the heat generated by exercise (which isn’t a true IgE mediated allergy) or an IgE mediated allergy that can progress to anaphylaxis. I’m sorry all your doctors have thought you were crazy. If you’re still looking, you’re best bet may be an allergist.

    8. pugs 4 all*

      In month 3 of OrangeTheory and still loving it! I go 2x a week.

      After 2 falls in the past 5 years that resulted in broken bones and surgery, I’ve resolved that I need to do weight training for bone strength. I’ve always been a runner and would happily run 10 miles instead of picking up some weights. But after the most recent surgery this summer I decided to try OT as the least painful way to get weights into my exercise plan, and I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoy the classes.

    9. mindovermoneychick*

      I’ve been doing OrangeTheory for a year and I LOVE it. But I’ve gotten a few repetitive motion injuries (tennis elbow from the rower and a hamstring strain from inclines on the tread) and my doctor says to take 3 months off.

      I struggle because I would love to do it 4-5 days a week. I work from home and a 3:30 pm workout helps me structure my day and give me renewed energy for my evening clients. But like everyone else I hit a lull at 3:30 and it it weren’t for the accountability of signing up, I just won’t work out at that time. OTF had been a lifesaver for helping me deal with ebbs and flows in my energy level and get more work done. But I think I have to admit going that often probably won’t work long term.

      So now my challenge is build a habit of doing something low-key at 3:00 every day in the time frame while I’m out for the next 3 months and then going back to OTF 2-3 days a week interspersed with whatever low key exercise I come up with.

      1. Not a cat*

        I love weights (kettlebell). I can’t do them now. I need a heart valve replacement so I have to take it easy. After a kettlebell workout, I used to feel like a superhero!

    10. Achoo*

      I’m three weeks into Burn Body Boot Camp and…I still like it? I’m surprised because I really don’t enjoy exercising, but quick intervals seem to be working for me.

    11. Redux*

      Ok, y’all I’m going to try to go to the gym BEFORE work. For those of you who do this successfully, what are your actual morning routines? Hiccups include (1) I take a morning med that requires an empty stomach for an hour after taking the med, (2) I need to wash and dry my hair, (3) I commute by car 45m-1hr. Upsides include (a) husband manages the children in the morning, (b) i can go to to a gym a 10 minutes from my house on the direct route, or 10 minutes from my job (though the 10 minutes is out of the way, so adds 20 min to my commute).

      1. Exercise Junkie*

        I think your morning routine is less important than your routine the night before. If you are someone who stays up really late and struggles to get up to go to work in the morning, you’re not going to be successful trying to get up earlier and go to the gym.

      2. LizB*

        I agree with Exercise Junkie that the night before routine is 90% of the battle. My pre-work-gym-prep routine and some disjointed thoughts follow:

        Night before: pack breakfast and lunch, set out my workout clothes, pack my office clothes & toiletries bag, make sure my work bag is ready to go

        Morning: wake up, roll out of bed and put on workout clothes, brush teeth and eat a handful of granola, take meds, grab all my stuff and get my butt out the door before I have any time to feel tired or get stuck puttering around the house. commute 20mins to the gym (literally in the same building as my work), work out, shower and get dressed at the gym, go to work with slightly wet hair (although they do have hair dryers so if I blow-dried I could do that in the locker room) and eat breakfast at my desk while booting up and checking email.

        For you, will your commute still be 45m-1hr if you’re going earlier in the morning? Or is that what it’s like in traffic? I think if it’ll still be that long, you could take your med immediately on waking up and pack a snack you can quickly eat when you actually get to the gym an hour-ish later. If it’ll be shorter, can you eat a tiny snack before leaving home, take the med just before leaving, then by the time your workout is done it’ll have been an hour and you can eat? Or you might be someone who can successfully work out on an empty stomach, which would make life easier.

        My gym provides towels as part of my membership, some gyms will have towel service for a small monthly fee. For me, if it wasn’t provided, it would be totally worth it to pay the fee so I avoid having to carry around a damp towel all day. It’s not currently worth it to me to rent a locker so I can keep stuff there overnight, but I have done so in the past, and kept my running shoes, shower flip-flops, toiletries, water bottle, and spare undies in it. (Nothing worse than working out, showering, then having to either get back into sweaty underwear or go commando.)

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Moping because my ear infection is gone but left me with serious tinnitu, vertigo, and stuffed-head hearing problems. ENT appointment for midweek…the first thing they always ask is about swimming, so I’m continuing to skip that. I’m far too tippy to want to bike or even walk on my neighborhood’s narrow roads. And that stinks because those are pretty much it for exercise I enjoy.

    13. Nessun*

      Working with my trainer on a supplemental program for upping my endurance, I supported my lifting. We agree that I need to do the cardio, and we’re trying to find a way to make it something I can look forward to, instead of something I loathe. End goal is 300 lbs deadlift by the end of the year!

      I’m trying to also figure out my emotional eating as a foray into better nutrition, so that’s a second component. It all links together.

    14. NewReadingGlasses*

      Wellll, I’ve started running. Yay! But I need something that’s like a sport bra for my midsection. Is there such a thing? I’ve tried a stretchy tank top under my tee, and it’s not enough.

    15. Doctor is In*

      Started weight training again a month ago. Working with an excellent trainer weekly. She emphasizes proper form. That has me motivated to bump up the cardio in between strength sessions.

    16. Anon Here*

      I’m doing gig economy grocery shopping as a workout and source of extra income. Instead of paying for a gym membership, I’m getting paid to push a shopping cart and haul bags. Bonus: the faster I move, the more $ per hour it comes out to, so I’m literally getting paid to intensify my workout.

      I’m also looking for at-home exercises that I can make a part of my daily routine. My goal is to slim down a bit, but in a healthy way, through exercise. I specifically want to shed some fat from my hips, thighs, and upper arms. I want a more toned appearance.

    17. Kiwi with laser beams*

      I got back into my training to walk a half marathon (last weekend I was recovering from a spinal tap and the weekend before that I was moving). Between that and the fact that it’s the hottest time of year, it was brutal.

  5. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Still my fanfic for me. I’m pretty good at doing individual scenes for it, now I just need to fit them together into a comprehensible story…

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I have really been off my writing game the past few months. There’s just been too much going on. But I started working on my zine again, and I’m working a binging guide to ST:TNG, which means I’ll have to do a bit of research. I’ve got a couple of sci-fi stories I’ve been pushing around, and I’m really looking forward to getting those back on track in the next week or two. I’m hoping that writing a bit of non-fiction about sci-fi will help prime that pump.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Marketing and more marketing. -_-
      I made a website for my imprint so I could snag the domain name before someone snapped it up for something gross. Twitter too, and a gmail address. I’ve been setting up the site all day.

      Now that Tunerville is out, that puts pressure on me to revise the sequel. People have already asked for it.

    4. 404UsernameNotFound*

      Kind of crummy if I’m honest. I need to write something FAST for this month’s short story challenge I’m a regular of, plus all my WIPs lying around (one of which has been published but abandoned, oops…). Having said that, I’m still writing every day, even if today it was literally two sentences.

    5. Kalico*

      Up to 25,000 words on my novel (this is a first draft, though, so much of that will probably end up getting tossed). Just had a virtual write-in with the people I met through the writing course I took at the end of last year. Only got 190 words today.

  6. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week.
    I really should be continuing Steins;Gate, but instead I found myself returning to Graveyard Keeper. I just learned how to make wine, so clearly I am now unstoppable.
    Now if only I could figure out how to advance some quests.

    1. Paladin*

      Moonlighter – zelda-style dungeons where you go to collect artifacts and sell them in your shop. It’s pretty great.

    2. OTGW*

      It’s been like 2 weeks, but I’m still thinking about AC: Odyssey. I love the atmosphere. I should try to play a little more before I have to return it to the library.

    4. Keymaster of Gozer*

      I really need to stop playing Saints Row 4 for the hundredth time, but it’s just so silly!

      Mostly replaying Dragon Age:Origins (romancing Alastair) or Dragon Age:Inquisition (romancing Cullen). Should boot up Fallout 4 again to get more material for my Deacon and Nick Valentine fanfics too. The community on AO3 want me to actually finish some of my works…. (shameface)

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Star Wars Clone Wars, the lego game. I’ve finished the story, but have to go back and get all the minikits. Not today though, have stuff to get done.

    6. Nessun*

      Enjoying Lunar New Year in Tytia while I wait for the Icwbrood Saga to drop on Tuesday! Guild Wars 2 is still my favorite way to spend down time – so many achievements, so much fashion wars!

    7. DarthVelma*

      It’s been all tabletop this week. Early in the week the big scary monsters were kicking our butts in Eldritch Horror and Aeon’s End, but we got even last night. We’re on a bit of a win streak. Won at Eldritch Horror and Aeon’s End last night. Two wins in a row for April and May on Pandemic Legacy earlier today.

      Next up is probably a little Destiny 2 just to break things up a bit. But tomorrow looks like more Pandemic and maybe finally starting the second season of Arkham Horror. Just gotta finish putting together the decks for it.

    8. Gatomon*

      Red Dead Redemption 2. It finally consumed the last bit of space on my PS4’s drive, so I swapped it for a 1TB SSD. What a difference that has made in both load times and performance! And I should have plenty of space for additional games. I know the PS5 is due out this year, but there’s still a ton of PS4 games I didn’t have time for while in school.

    9. 404UsernameNotFound*

      Terraria and Project Highrise. Funnily enough, despite my initial plans to have all my Terraria villagers in the same place, they’re not turning into the same game like I thought they would. I’m evidently much better at building when I turn “smart control” off, so instead I’ve got some cute little cottages for my demolitionist, dyer and merchant (so far) to live in. Albeit pretty empty cottages since I’m not quite far enough in the game to have gathered any fancy materials…

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Guild Wars 2 … I unlocked my springer. But I’m having more fun with my lower level character– norms are just so over the top boastful, and it’s turned out to be fun to play something so different from myself.

    11. Minocho*

      Pathfinder 2 (ttop rpg) for eight hours. We quit as we were preparing to be ambushed by a tribe of gnolls!

  7. New hobby*

    Has anyone started a new hobby recently and enjoyed it? I’m on the lookout for one that doesn’t require too much stuff. I thought crocheting could by my next thing last year but nope. It wasn’t all that enjoyable. But I liked that all you needed was a hook and yarn and it was something you did with your hands. Any suggestions?

    1. Reader in ND*

      Glass etching requires etching paste and gloves for the most part. You can make designs on your drinking glasses, etc. Paint pours require paints, canvases, some supplies to make the paint runnier and a box lid lined with plastic is great to collect the paint that pours off the canvas. There’s all kinds of paint techniques on the internet. Jewelry making is fun but it requires wire, beads, jump rings, clasps and a tool to crimp beads shut if you’re leaving extra space between each bead and want them to stay put. If your pieces are totally strung with beads you won’t need the beads you crimp and the crimping tool, which is like a needle nosed plier. You might also prefer a loom type yarn art if you didn’t enjoy the crochet hook.

    2. Keymaster of Gozer*

      Going to my first spinning and weaving class soon to see if I like it!

      I picked up cross stitching years ago when I quit smoking and needed something to occupy my hands while watching TV. I’ve got a little kit that’s essentially a colouring-in pattern that travels with me since it doesn’t require much.

      1. Pippa K*

        I started weaving last year, after completely failing to learn to crochet (everything I crochet comes out as dense as Kevlar, which I suppose could lead to a side-hustle in artisanal hand-made police equipment, but it’s not for me.) Turns out weaving is the textile-related hobby for me! Creative yet highly structured, and a range from completely simple to extremely complex. Unfortunately it doesn’t meet the OP’s criterion of not requiring much equipment, but I’d otherwise recommend it to lots of people.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Query: can you start out with this just using a fountain pen? I’m a bit of a collector of such pens.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Sure, there are even calligraphic felt-tipped markers. If you have wedge-tipped pen already, all you really need to add is good paper and a way to draw your lines. The hardest part for me is having no patience to draw lines at the spacing that matches my nibs. As a result, I’m only a dabbler — one easily obtained resource is Medieval Calligraphy, Its History and Technique, by Marc Drogin.
          (Side note: Untapped marketing opportunity: selling nibs & lightly-lined paper next to each other, marked to show which nib & line-spacing go together.)
          If you prefer fine-tipped pens, look for penmanship styles — Palmer Method is the one that comes to mind because my mother was trained on it. Materials are easily available online, and I am fascinated by the original 1890s manual on the Library of Congress website. (Wikipedia’s Palmer Method page has a direct link.)

        2. Lady Alys*

          Yes – a Lamy Joy with a 1.1, 1.5, or 1.9 mm stub nib with a packet of cartridges costs around US$25 on Amazon right now (or you can simply buy the nib and put it in a Safari or AL-Star that you already have on hand). Other brands have some nib-swapping options as well – TWSBI, Pilot Vanishing Point, Franklin-Christoph (I think…).

    4. Salymander*

      Knitting! I loathe crocheting, but I am a near-obsessive knitter. Maybe you would be, too?

      Baking bread doesn’t require a lot of stuff, especially if you knead by hand instead of with a mixer. That way, your delicious warm bread comes with a bonus arm workout :)

    5. Purt’s Peas*

      Needle felting! You jab loose wool (wool roving) with a barbed needle until it turns into felt, and you can make little creatures very easily.

      Highly recommend this, you can pick up beginner kits that will have you
      making something cute quite fast. It requires some concentration—you don’t want to jab yourself—but is doable.

      In one weekend I made a little fox from a kit and a little alligator not from a kit—the first two projects I did.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        You can also make wall art too – I needle-felted some flowers onto cross stitch canvas and then framed it. Very basic but there are some amazing ideas online. Definitely recommend a starter kit because you need the pokey needle thing (and spares) as well as the foam cushion for under the felt!

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Seconding needle felting – I can pick it up or put it away as I feel like it and yet its fun to do and easy to make something cute. Low investment in cash and space for storage.

    6. Three owls in a trench coat*

      Not a new hobby but I really enjoy origami. All you need is some paper and maybe some glue depending on what you want to make. When I’m feeling stressed I like to put on some music or a show in the background and just sit and fold for a while.

    7. Cartographical*

      Seconding knitting & bread making. If you pick a garment type to specialize in, with knitting, you really streamline your accessory requirements. Also, getting into live ferments doesn’t require too much equipment and it makes tasty things like sauerkraut. Combined with bread making, you get sourdough bread.

      Hand-sewn quilting and sashiko mending both can be started for pennies, literally. I find paper-piecing to be fun and relaxing when it comes to quilting, and it’s a great way to save cool fabric from men’s cotton shirts that have served their purpose. Mending techniques are decorative ways to upcycle or preserve favourite garments like jeans & jackets. Sashiko also is great for making reusable bags or sturdy furoshiki (methods of tying fabric into bags or carriers) wraps, I’ve also seen it used for pillow covers and table runners.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Obviously I am still ill and need to go back to bed. Three reads before I realized you didn’t say “getting into live ferrets.”

      2. Jennifer @unchartedworlds*

        Thanks for the mention of sashiko – hadn’t heard of that before and have just been looking at pix!

    8. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I’m about to try fingerloop braiding. You don’t need any equipment, just some yarn or floss to braid and a doorknob or chair to hook it on.

      1. The Bookwyrm's Lair*

        I used to do that in high school and college. I just pinned the knot to my jeans with a safety pin. :) also, you can loop around your big toe if you’re sitting with your legs in front of you.

    9. Book Lover*

      Cross stitching is easy and you can buy a kit that has everything you need, though a hoop or q snap are a good addition. I can carry everything I need for a small project in a small bag that I put in my handbag.

      1. Fikly*

        Seconding this.

        You need very little to start, and all you need to know is how to make an x.

        Warning: it can be addicting.

      3. Sleve McDichael*

        Also long stitching is similar to cross stitch but the resulting art has a different aesthetic that you might like. I like both.

    10. DarthVelma*

      The partner’s aunt got us a Porthole infuser for xmas and I’ve been having a blast with it. So far I’ve made apricot rum and jalapeno tequila and they’ve both been awesome. The tequila made excellent margaritas. :-) If I can find passionfruit, next up I’m going to try making my own passionfruit syrup for use in hurricanes. I’m also considering a mix of raspberries and rose petals in vodka.

      The Porthole is kind of expensive, but not actually necessary. You can infuse in jars instead. And while I have a couple of books I’ve been getting ideas from, there’s plenty of free recipes and hints online.

    11. Miranda Priestly’s Assistant*

      This is basic but I recently caught onto baking and some cooking new recipes. I think part of it is due to the fact I have my own kitchen for once, and it’s cold so I don’t want to go out on my weekends. Baking while watching a film or listening to a podcast is how I pass the time now. I’ve also re-introduced painting into my life since I became an adult.

    12. Aurora Leigh*

      I have been crafting with sola wood flowers in preparation for my May wedding and it’s so fun to tap into my creative side again! Wouldn’t have to take up much space depending on supplies you are using.

    13. D.W.*

      I just started bread baking. After 10 test sandwich loaves I have found the one our family likes and I have made 4 artisan loaves with fruit and nut add-ins. So much to learn! So many challenges! And I’m enjoying every minute.

    14. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Sashiko (Japanese embroidery) is fairly easy. It uses large thread and a needle the size of a harpoon to make large running stitches. You can do either outline designs or Boro, a style of Visible Mending where you just make parallel lines of stitching. I have been teaching this at my local university for several years and my classes are always full. It is really popular now and is all over Instagram and Facebook.

  8. Hello It’s Me*

    I had a panic attack last week. Unfortunately, my friend was there and I think it traumatized him. I know it did. He told me. And I think at the time it added to the stress that I was already feeling to feel like I had to take care of him. Take care of him! During my panic attack!

    I think from my perspective, panic attacks aren’t scary. I know that they’re happening, and it’s kind of like my brain just runs out of processing power and shuts down. You deal with it by just letting it happen. It’s like a subconscious overwhelm.

    Anyway I don’t know if I should say something to him about it. I apologized and he thought that was crazy for me to do.

    He also said that he was glad that I was feeling better because otherwise he would’ve just gone crazy! Again I feel like just making it about him! Is this normal? I just don’t feel like if I saw somebody having a panic attack my priority would be to make sure I feel better about it.

    I talked to a counselor about what to say to him and even she had a really warped view of it. She asked me if I “take something for my panic attacks”. I just felt so weird about that question. No I don’t “take something” for it! What kind of question is that? It’s not a disease! It happens like once a year because of a very specific reason of sensory processing overload. I even told her it only happened because I was at a convention where there were literally 100 different LOUD sounds and lights every direction for four days. On top of that, I had no days off for two weeks!

    I just feel like the whole mental health system is kind of screwy if I bring up a panic attack and the first thing I’m asked is what I take for it. Then she asked me if I needed to go to the hospital! Dghbrdjrdhdwbt. If I wasn’t already educated on this, I feel like her comments would have given me mental health issues!

    Honestly most people have the same reaction for any emotion, not just anxiety, although I do think that anxiety gets the worst rap. I was reading this book on mourning and the author was saying that, in her case, her husband died in a freak accident, and because she wasn’t just totally over it in a few months, the DSM said she officially had a disorder.

    Anyway, I didn’t mean to go on such a big tangent when the real question was just how do I bring this up with my friend when I have basically the entire fabric of society working against me?

    1. Washi*

      I think you’re really underestimating how stressful a panic attack can be for the bystander. I’ve had panic attacks in front of my husband and two close friends, and all three found it really scary and painful to see me so distressed and not know what to do or how not to make it worse. I didn’t understand at first either, but after having more full conversations with them about it, I can absolutely see how it could be traumatizing under certain circumstances.

      I don’t really think it’s fair to say that him expressing his relief that you were feeling better was making it all about him. In the moment of a panic attack and the immediate aftermath, I have to focus on myself, but once I’ve returned to equilibrium, I want to check in with my husband/friends to see how they are doing. Their feelings are not more important than mine, but they’re not less important either. I want to take care of them just as much as they take care of me, and part of that is acknowledging how my mental health impacts them too.

      I mean, I don’t know what tone your friend used in saying all this to you, maybe he was really insensitive. But I just want to bring up another perspective. I think I would be less close to my friends if they felt like they couldn’t be honest with me about stuff like this.

    2. coffee cup*

      I don’t feel it’s unreasonable for your friend to be worried about you and be glad you are OK and he didn’t have to worry even more. It sounds like he might be prone to anxiety, too. Surely he can tell you that, if it’s affecting him? If he didn’t know how to react when you were experiencing a panic attack, could you explain this to him for next time if it happens? Tell him that it’s fine, you have it under control and he doesn’t need to worry, just do X, Y and Z (if appropriate).

      I also think it’s reasonable for a counsellor to ask you that question. She doesn’t know unless she asks, right? She wanted to know if there’s something you’re doing or not doing regarding that.

      I have anxiety quite a bit and to me it isn’t an emotion, it’s a health issue I have to handle in a certain way. I don’t expect others to know how to deal with it. Try talking to your friend about it and giving him more info, and it might help.

    3. Myrin*

      Oh my, what a crappy situation – I’m sorry your friend as well as your counselor made you feel like this.

      I’m flabbergasted by the idea of taking something against panic attacks! I mean, I assume there are cases where there is some sort of chemical imbalance (like hormones or similar) causing the attacks where it might make sense to supplement in some way, but in general, I’m not a fan.
      (My background: My sister has PTSD and has been dealing with panic attacks for many years now. She underwent inpatient treatment four years ago and it, as well as the subsequent, years-long therapy really helped her in dealing with these attacks. They’re still horrible to witness, but thankfully we learned about them as a family and now both her and us know how to react and what to do. They’re still scary, but a lot more manageable than when they were out of control.)

      In any case, regarding your actual question:
      Firstly: What kind of friend is this? As in, how close are you? I’d speak differently to my best-friend-for-the-last-twenty-years compared to my friend-I-like-and-hang-out-with-from-time-to-time.
      And secondly: Did you get the feeling that he was really, truly expecting you to comfort him? Or could the “you traumatised me” and the “I’d have gone crazy if you didn’t feel better by now” have been more like… hm, verbal fillers, I guess? As in, he wanted to say something to express his unease and this was a scary and unusual experience for him which he doesn’t seem to have any knowledge about, so he just wanted to say something to acknowledge how horrifying this was to him (and, by extension and his expectation, for you, even if you yourself didn’t actually feel that way)?

      I’m asking because I think it’s very different if someone just words something clumsily and inadvertently manages to hit a nerve vs. if they actually, in all earnesty expect you to place their feelings above your own in a situation where you are the one who is undoubtedly more affected. And depending on what’s the answer to this question, I’d suggest different approaches in bringing it up.

      1. Hello It’s Me*

        I guess I didn’t really think about it from his perspective. I guess I just felt like thinking about his feelings was just absolutely impossible for me and made me even more upset because I couldn’t process that on top of everything else. So I guess I felt like him sharing that with me was really selfish when it clearly made my experience worse.

        We are basically best friends and we’ve known each other for 12 years. He seen me cry before but I don’t think he’s ever been traumatized from it. I don’t really know how to bring it up because I didn’t realize that it was scary for him. From my perspective, it just feels like a loss of control. Internally I’m calm because I know that I’m OK and it’ll pass. I know that most people don’t feel that way usually when they have a panic attack and panicking about your panic attack can actually cause panic attacks. So I know that it’s a unique perspective.

        1. Disco Janet*

          I have panic attacks occasionally, and I was struck by you labeling him as “selfish” for him to share his feelings with you. He’s not doing it to make you feel worse – I understand that was the impact, but it almost certainly wasn’t his intention. The expectations you’re setting for his behavior/thought process versus your own seems hypocritical. You admit that you hadn’t thought about how the panic attack might have made him feel – you were just focused on yourself. He’s thinking about how both you and he feel…and that’s selfish?

        2. I'm just here for the cats*

          You definitely need to have a conversation with him. I am a bit confused. Did he say these things at the time you were having a panic attack or was it after you calmed down. If he’s wanting you to comfort him while your having the attack I think that’s kind of shitty. That’s like having seen a car accident and wanting the person in the car to apologize. However if he expressed this later, he may just be trying to convey what he was feeling at the time and was concerned for you. He might want to know what to do next time but not sure how to ask yiu. Either way I think you should talk to him and tell him what he can do if your in that situation again. Good luck

        3. Minocho*

          While you’re having a panic attack, you probably don’t have the bandwidth to also handle bystander and friend worries. That’s really to be expected, I think. I had a friend whose first panic attack terrified both her and her husband, because neither knew what was going on.

          All I could suggest is if you realize you are heading into a situation that might trigger an attack, it might be worth telling any trusted person you are with about them – maybe what might trigger them and what they could look for to help you / avoid prolonging it?

          I tend to freeze when I”m taken by surprise by a situation, but with a little mental preparedness, I can react well to situations. Maybe your friend is like that as well.

      2. Close Bracket*

        Are you flabbergasted by taking medicine in general? Or is it just panic attacks that you don’t feel should be treated? I absolutely take something for panic attacks, and I would find a new doctor if they wouldn’t refill my prescription.

    4. Koala dreams*

      I do think that panic attacks are symptoms of illness, and that’s a common view, so that part is not strange. It’s quite normal for people to ask if you feel better when you have been ill, and be happy / relieved when you do feel better (or never was ill in the first place, if that’s what happened). It’s weird for the counselor to ask if you have taken anything against it, since many doctors won’t prescribe medicine for panic attacks, and it’s not like you can just go to the pharmacy and buy something (like cough drops? panic attack drops???). Sadly a lot of people are just not knowledgable about mental health issues.

      If you want to, you can bring up the panic attack with your friend and tell him that you personally don’t consider them an illness, that they aren’t dangerous and that you won’t need him to do anything (or whatever is true for you). Otherwise, it’s fine to just let it go.

      1. Koala dreams*

        I see I missed that the comments your friend made during your panic attack made you uncomfortable. I think it’s fine to bring it up later, and tell him that you don’t appreciate that kind of comments when you have a panic attack, and if he wants to discuss his mental health it must wait for a more suitable time, because you can’t do that while having a panic attack. Since he’s a good friend, he’ll probably understand.

      2. Courageous cat*

        This thread is making me feel like I’ve lost an entire satchet of marbles. Many doctors won’t prescribe medicine for panic attacks? Since when?

        Y’all (everyone on this thread) panic attacks can be d e b i l i t a t i n g and for people who have panic disorder, benzodiazepines are the gold standard *and* frequently prescribed for that reason. It is ok to take something, sometimes you HAVE to take something, medicine is not inherently evil, etc etc.

        1. Koala dreams*

          I’m also feeling confused. We apparently go to very different doctors. I’m sorry that this thread somehow have become an medicine discussion instead of keeping to the original topic.

          1. BB*

            I would suggest you go to a new doctor if they haven’t heard of medication for a panic disorder. It’s ok to not take them but doctors should be versed in their existence and should tell you.

    5. Keymaster of Gozer*

      Husband unit has seen me have both panic attacks and grand mal seizures and the first time he saw either it took him days to calm down because he honestly thought he was watching me die. I’d never had either before (the epilepsy developed in my 30s and is now controlled).

      I knew I was ok after because hey, I’m awake, I’m fine! But oh boy he wasn’t.

      He now knows what is causing those reactions and how he’s supposed to act. He needed that information to stay calm and neither of us had it. Now he knows how I want him to act during a panic attack (get me somewhere quieter, divert my mind by talking about x,y,z) or during a seizure.

      Once he got that knowledge he was fine. And by extension so was I because I know if it happens again near him again I’m not going to have to deal with his stress on top of my own.

    6. ThatGirl*

      You can take medication to ward off panic attacks before they get bad. That is a real thing. I realize that you may not want to, especially if they are infrequent and easy to avoid most of the time. But asking if you have medication available for it is not a weird question imho.

      2. mreasy*

        I have panic disorder and rather than have 5-10 panic attacks a month, am able to stave off the worst bits with a medication taken at the right time. It’s pretty common to use something if you have them often, which may have been what prompted the question.

        1. Hello It’s Me*

          What kind of medicine? I told the counselor that It was only because of a specific thing that happened. I don’t remember the last time I had a panic attack. Maybe one time two years ago? I mean I told her that. I just feel like it would be weird to carry around some medicine for something that might happen to me again in a year.

          1. Gratis*

            Beta blockers are pretty commonly prescribed for panic attacks. I’ve had them for years, and I rarely actually have panic attacks these days but I’d still rather have the medication to hand to ward off the worst, since I can.

            So I think it was pretty normal and reasonable for the therapist to ask the question.

          2. Close Bracket*

            Xanax, ativan, that class of drugs, are also prescribed. They are addictive, so you do have to watch your intake, though.

      3. Ra94*

        Yeah, this doesn’t seem a weird question at all to me. A friend started having regular panic attacks and was prescribed beta blockers, which stopped them instantly.

        1. Hello It’s Me*

          Wait a second wait a second. Why do I want to stop it? I don’t need to stop it. The only problem was that my friend was uncomfortable. The panic attack helped me. It got rid of whatever I was feeling and I was fine. I don’t know how I got down this rabbit hole.

          1. Lehigh*

            I think this is the crux of the disconnect. Most people see and experience panic attacks as maladaptive. You see them as a normal, healthy part of your psyche.

            I do wonder why your friend is not allowed to be distressed about his experience. It is not apparently stressful for you, but it was for him. His feelings are valid, aren’t they?

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Yeah, I am not sure I am following along that well either. The only thing I can think of is the need to console by-standers. Then, don’t console them?- I guess that is where I go to. It’s up to them to console themselves??

              I do think we have some responsibility to those helping us to try to work with them. But that is not the same as consoling them. And there are times where we are not able to participate in our own care, too.

              I remember when we fell off the motorcycle at 60 mph. I never lost consciousness but my husband did. Our friend was riding behind us and he stopped, jumped off his bike and started helping us. I did feel a duty to remain as calm as possible so our friend could help us. So while I was shaking and crying, I tried to think of things to do to get us some help and get us out of that situation. Because I was still conscious I could participate in my care (rescue, actually) and my husband’s care, but my husband was non-responsive and he was not able to contribute. I did console my husband once he became alert as he was clearly more injured than I was.

              Our friend was extremely shook which I think is a normal response given the situation. We did thank him profusely for helping us. He checked on the husband every day for a month, I think that was his way of consoling himself. (My husband was out of work for two months with the injuries. At week #4 he was way better.)

              Just my thought that a person can get very stressed by an accident/incident but it is not up to the patient to console this person.

            2. AnonEMoose*

              His feelings are valid…expressing them while the OP was mid-panic attack…was not great. At that point, I think his distress needed to take a back seat. And later, after the OP had recovered, it would be fine to say “Hey, watching you go through that was really scary/stressful/upsetting for me. If it happens again when we’re together, is there a specific thing I should do or not do to help you?”

              1. Disco Janet*

                Where are you seeing that this was during the panic attack? I’m reading it as a conversation they had after the fact.

                1. Hello It’s Me*

                  It was during the panic attack that he told me that I was traumatizing him.

                  My question is how to talk to him about it now to make him feel better about it.

                  I am absolutely aghast at the comments that told me I am selfish for not thinking about his feelings during my panic attack.

                  I could not have done a simple math problem let alone comfort my friend during my panic attack.

                2. AnonEMoose*

                  So, for what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s your responsibility to “make him feel better about it.” I get it, you feel bad that your panic attack scared him. And you two should definitely talk about that…if you spend significant time together, it might be good for him to know that this is a thing that happens, this is what might trigger it, and here’s what he can do that would help if that happens.

                  I may be phrasing this badly. But I have a couple of good friends who deal with different forms of mental illness, and I consider that part of the “price of admission” to that relationship. (To be clear, any relationship has a “price of admission.” Everyone has their deal breakers…things that people who want to be friends or romantic partners have to accept if they want to be with that person.)

                  I can’t be friends with them if I’m not able/willing to accept that their mental illness, or their chronic illness, or their allergies, or whatever else, is a thing. That doesn’t mean I’m ok with them treating me badly because of it. But I listen when they tell me something is triggering to them, and I ask if there is something I can do if they’re having difficulty when we’re together (not when they’re actually having a panic attack or something, but at another time).

                  And yes, I’ll admit – LATER – if something was scary to me when they were experiencing a panic attack or dissociating. But I don’t expect them to comfort me…we talk about it, because I want to know they’re ok, and I want to know if I can do something better if it happens again. But my emotions aren’t theirs to manage, they’re mine.

          2. Cat*

            I think it’s totally cool not to want to take anything. People are just explaining why other people do and why the counselor might have asked. For a lot of people it doesn’t get rid of feelings – it risks you getting stuck in a panic cycle instead and meds can help break that.

          3. bunniferous*

            What is normal for you-because you understand it-is frightening for others who do NOT understand. Just tell your friend what you told us-you know what this is, you know what triggers it, you ride the wave, one and done.

            I have had exactly ONE panic attack in my entire life, I thought I was dying, but I was alone and did not have to manage the emotions of someone else. I agree that would make it way tougher. What I would do in future is if you think you are in a situation that could trigger it, just let whoever is around you know-and know not to freak out about it.

          4. Disco Janet*

            Yes, wait a second. Why do only your feelings matter? And if you were fine after, why is it you’re not willing to hear about what the experience was like for him?

            And he’s the selfish one here. Really. Wow. When you flat out say that something isn’t a problem at all if it helps you, despite the affect it has on others.

          5. Ra94*

            I’m a bit confused by your response! I wasn’t saying that you needed to take beta blockers or that you needed to stop your panic attacks (although the vast, vast majority of people who experience panic attacks wish they didn’t, so that wouldn’t be a weird assumption.) I was pointing out that asking whether someone takes medication for panic attacks is a very reasonable, valid, and normal question. I still don’t understand why you found it offensive or confusing.

            1. Courageous cat*

              I know, I am so deeply confused by this thread. Why are we demonizing medicine a little and normalizing the panic attack? Panic attacks are not technically a good and healthy thing. I’m confused why anyone would be offended by the suggestion of stopping them.

              Which leads me to believe I wonder if this is a panic attack in the technical sense of the term, or more just “a meltdown/flurry of worrying/etc” – a panic attack in the colloquial sense that some people use it.

              I have panic disorder and exactly no part of me would ever view a panic attack as something good that I’m ok with happening.

          6. Panic attacks suck*

            “the panic attack helped me” ok. this statement is foreign to me and my experience. When I get a panic attack, I have very real physical symptoms. Shortness of breath, pain in chest, rising panic like Oh, my GOD I am going to die! I can’t breath. Tears might be streaming down my face, I fear that I may vomit, I am nauseated , I may have cramps in my bowels, I will probably have diarrhea if this continues. I cannot speak. I cannot respond. Even writing this is causing some anxiety. If it gets this bad, one tiny Ativan an breathing exercises can short circuit this miserable experience.
            So yes, better living through chemistry.

            1. Hello It’s Me*

              Right so I don’t understand peoples comments saying how I am so selfish during my panic attack. Would do you have been able to be not-“selfish” during yours?

              In my experience, if you allow the panic attack to happen and you’re not afraid of it, it just happens. So instead of freaking out about it and throwing up and feeling like you’re going to die, you just let yourself have it. It’s scary to decide it’s OK to have a panic attack but actually the symptoms are a lot less scary that way.

              Anthony Padilla talked about this on his YouTube channel, he used to have panic attacks every single day until he leaned into it and decided that it was OK to have one and they went away.

              1. Panic attacks suck*

                But what is the bystander seeing? If any attention from me is needed, I respond , I can’t talk now. If your friend is freaking out it is okay to say, I need to focus on me right now. Your friends feelings are valid and you do not have to respond in the moment. They also have the right to say I am freaking out and you have the right to say I can’t help you. What seems odd to me is your declaration that he should know that you can’t help him.

                1. AnonEMoose*

                  It seems pretty basic to me to know that someone in the midst of a panic attack is not going to be able to help someone else. So I’m really giving OP’s friend some side-eye in this situation, but also willing to acknowledge that he possibly did react not knowing how to handle the situation better.

                  But that said, from where I sit, it’s not the OP’s responsibility to manage his emotions around this – he needs to do that. Which does not mean that his emotions aren’t valid or that he shouldn’t talk to the OP about what happened and what to do if there’s a next time…he just shouldn’t expect her to comfort him, and shouldn’t expect her to apologize for having a panic attack.

              2. Gaia*

                Most people cannot just “let it happen.” That’s great if you can, but you’re acting as if everyone should be fine with their brain and body physically and mentally freaking out. Many people find these events completely overwhelming and out of their control.

              3. Koala dreams*

                You seem to be getting a lot of people that don’t recognize your method for dealing with panic attacks, so I would like to add that your method, to just go through it and let it happen, is the only one I’ve heard of before now. I’ve never heard of medication against panic attacks before this thread! It seems very normal to me to try to remember that the panic attack isn’t dangerous and just let it run its course. As an aside, I also find it very unhelpful when counselors or therapist start to question my medication, no matter which medication, since they don’t write prescriptions and I need a doctor to change medication anyways.

                1. Cat*

                  They need to know what you’re taking if anything and how it’s working though. They’d be negligent if they ignored the effects that may or may not be having on your mental health. And then they can refer you to a psychiatrist if need be.

          7. ThatGirl*

            Most people do not want to have panic attacks. They’re usually a sign of disorder, not a normal and healthy reaction. I’ve had one, my heart was racing and I felt terrible. And mine wasn’t that bad. It makes me wonder if you’re truly having a panic attack.

          8. Close Bracket*

            I need to stop mine bc they are awful. If you are ok with that awfulness, then rock on with no medication. It’s your body, and you have the right to do or not do with it as you please. For me, not treating a panic attack would be like not taking headache medicine or cold medicine.

        1. blackcat*

          Yeah, Xanax and Ativan are commonly used for panic attacks. Relative to other benzos, they kick in quickly (which is why there’s just a risk of dependence).
          I react poorly to the entire benzo family, so I didn’t use them for panic attacks (haven’t had one in a decade, thank goodness), but plenty of people do! Neither approach–medicating or not–is strange to me.

      5. Panic attacks suck*

        So yes, I do have medication for panic attacks. I don’t take it all the time but have it on my person. I go years without taking any but just having it helps. And it does work.

      6. Plus Ultra*

        That’s how I use xanax. My anxiety is social anxiety so if I suspect a situation might trigger an attack, I take a half a xanax in advance. Seems pretty common.

    7. Hilda Minerich*

      Are you sure that what you are calling a panic attack is in fact a panic attack? There are, of course, a variety of symptoms, but I’m wondering if your episode was possibly related more to epilepsy or another condition related to overstimulation. You didn’t specify how you present when having one? For me, I get pale, usually have to control my breathing and often have to go to the bathroom to vomit. What exactly happened that you’re concerned he’d be traumatized by? Usually no one knows when I’m having one. That’s what makes me wonder if this is some other neurological condition.

      1. Hello It’s Me*

        That’s probably what would happen if I tried to repress it or thought it was scary or made it go away! I mean you don’t cry? That’s what I do. I have a little freak out.

        1. Lehigh*

          …I would never equate having a cry or a bit of a freak out with a panic attack. Maybe we are referring to different things?

          1. valentine*

            If what you felt is sensory overload and the crying/freakout (details would help, like if you were sobbing or otherwise vocal) is both the solution and what you’re calling a panic attack, I don’t think it is. Panic attacks are sometimes mistaken for heart attacks because the heart races so badly.

            Either way, you are right that your friend was out of line and I do lean toward it being part of his pattern of making things about him. Were there not a pattern, the most charitable interpretation is that was his way of saying he was concerned. What I don’t understand is this:
            My question is how to talk to him about it now to make him feel better about it.

            You know he should manage his own feelings and you don’t want to do it for him, especially when physically unable to. So why now? Let him sort himself. I thought you were going ask if fading the friendship was the way to go. I think so. What are you getting out of it? But you can sit down with him and tell him how/when this happens and give him a chance not to make hyperbolic, victim-blaming, narcissistic statements.

            Also, I think you’re extrapolating. One friend and one therapist respond incorrectly and you feel society’s against you.

        2. Ra94*

          I am not a doctor, so this is purely from my experience, but that really doesn’t sound like a panic attack, especially if it’s not scary. Do you get shortness of breath or feelings of doom? Because it seems more like just an emotionally overwhelmed cry.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Yeah. I think this is unusually dismissive attitude about medicine et al is all because this is not actually what a panic attack is.

        4. Gaia*

          “Have a little freak out” is not how anyone I know would describe a panic attack. I have one friend who can’t breathe properly when they hit. Her heart races and, without medication she’ll pass out.

    8. Fikly*

      I suspect a lot of your friend’s anxiety in the moment was around not knowing what to do, or how to help you.

      Now, the answer may be, not to do anything! Which is totally fine. But now that he has seen one, and presumably understands that this may happen again (even if they are rare), it would likely be helpful to him if you told him what the best thing he could do for you is during one, and right after. Because then he knows, and will likely be less anxious while you are having a panic attack, because indeed, they do look quite scary from the outside. He might have thought you were having a life threatening physical issue until you were able to tell him it was a panic attack.

    9. Gaia*

      Hmm I really take issue with you being so taken aback at the idea that the counselor would ask if you take anything for panic attacks. Many, many, many people – the majority – who experience clinical anxiety and panic attacks require medical intervention. It very much IS a disease. Insisting it isn’t for anyone further stigmatizes mental illness. Just because you manage without medication doesn’t mean it’s unreasonable to ask about.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      About that question from your counselor… She may need to know whether you are self medicated with alcohol or unprescribed drugs.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Your friend should not have been unloading his feelings onto you in the middle of your episode. That was immature and insensitive.

      If you’re very close friends, talking to you *afterward* seems like a normal thing to do, and a way to (perhaps clumsily) show that he cares. You don’t need to do anything to make him feel better about it, but it would probably be helpful to you both if you told him more about your triggers, your general philosophy, and what is/isn’t helpful for him to do if you have another one.

      Your therapist is a health provider. You told her about an episode of symptoms. It’s completely normal and appropriate for her to ask if you take anything for those symptoms. It doesn’t mean you’re “supposed” to take meds. It’s just information.

      When I talk to my providers about a chronic-pain episode, for example, the first thing they ask is what type of meds or supplements I might take to manage it. That’s what health providers do.

      If you don’t view these moments of intense emotion as a problem or a symptom, it’s confusing to use the term “panic attack.” An attack of anything is generally a medical episode. Perhaps a term like “meltdown” might better convey the idea that for you, it’s an occasional non-emergency occurrence that’s part of your normal life.

      I can tell you feel very frustrated at not being understood or supported in the way you need. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, and I hope you can connect with some helpful support soon.

      1. lasslisa*

        This seems like a key thing – I know for me when a counselor I otherwise like and trust has really overreacted to something I’ve said, it’s been a sign that something I’m saying has a meaning I’m not familiar with. Like the counselor thinks I’m saying I was literally scared for my life when the phrase was just an idiom to me (because I can’t imagine using it literally but the counselor knows some of their other patients would). Or I’m saying “OCD” when I mean “picky” and they take it literally and start asking about treatment history and then we both get really confused for a few minutes. That’s a fairly ordinary thing that happens with terms that have both a technical and an idiomatic use, and I think panic attack is one of those.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Hi. Person with OCD here. Possibly you’ve already learned this lesson, but I strongly encourage you not to continue using “OCD” when you mean “picky”, not just in a clinical setting where it obviously causes confusion as you experienced, but in general.
          While I know people misuse “OCD” to mean something much much more casual than it is, I’m not used to people using “panic attack” when they don’t mean an actual panic attack. “Panic” alone sure…but I think it’s generally harmful when people use terms that have real diagnostic meaning casually when they do not have the disorder being discussed. It may be common, but plenty of not great practices are common. At best, it’s confusing and at worst it’s dismissive and hurtful.

          1. Washi*

            I think lasslisa was giving an example of how you could use a term incorrectly and then think your counselor is overreacting because they interpret that term much more seriously.

    12. Ginger Sheep*

      I do not experience panic attacks, but had once a close friend of mine experience one in front of me. So I’m probably in a position to understand what your friend went through. Those things are ducking scary from the outside! Like really, really scary. I thought my friend was having a heart attack – called an ambulance for him, accompanied him to the hospital… (He had never had one before and was convinced he was dying.) And I did have a minor meltdown from the stress when we were told all was fine and that it was only a panic attack. So please try to understand your friend’s feelings: even if panic attacks are normal for you, he may have been scared out of his mind – I was!

    13. Coffeecoffeecoffee*

      You’ve gotten some good feedback here about how scary panic attacks can be for a bystander, possible ways to treat them beyond acceptance, and why a counselor would probe about ways you manage them. I think another thing to consider is that if you’ve only had these very rarely your friend may have no idea how to handle them. He reacted inappropriately and unhelpfully, and he was really scared. A panic attack can look like a heart attack or like someone is totally out of control. Now that he knows you experience them sometimes, just tell him what you’d prefer he do next time: go into another room, talk you through it, whatever. Mention that you can’t attend to his needs while you’re having one, that you know they’re scary looking, but that you’re safe and he should do XYZ if he’s ever present for one again.

    14. Courageous cat*

      I don’t think there’s anything screwy about the mental health system considering many many people who have real honest-to-god panic attacks take medication for them. I think your reaction to all of this is a little over-the-top (the entire fabric of society?) and sensationalist with all the exclamation marks. None of this seems highly abnormal to me in any sense.

    15. Always practising*

      Have you talked to a doctor about your symptoms and been diagnosed? Or is this a self-diagnosis? Because based on reading this entire thread, I don’t think you actually have panic attacks. I think you are using that term to refer to a different set of symptoms entirely, which is why there is this disconnect between your comments and everyone else’s experiences. Perhaps that also explains why you are finding these situations so frustrating – you are referring to them as panic attacks so other people form expectations and responses based on the expected symptoms of actual panic attacks, not on your meltdowns/freakouts/whatever they actually are.

  9. Teapot Translator*

    Question about fabric!
    I have old bed sheets with holes in them (cotton). I’d prefer not to put them in the bin. I was wondering what I could make with the fabric. I once made pajama bottoms and I like it, so I guess I could make another pair. But is there anything else I can make? Pajama top wouldn’t work because I like them to be stretchy.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Could you cut them up, mix them with some other fabric scraps/remnants, and make a quilt?

      Maybe bathroom curtains? A pillowcase for the dog/cat? A placemat for under the dog/cat dish or under the birdcage? Dye them and/or embroider them and make a Christmas tree skirt?

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        Don’t use material that is starting to get holes for quilts! It’s already weak and why spend that much time on something that you already know will not last! I make pj bottoms and/or pillow cases. My husband and daughter need all.the.pillows! so we never seem to have enough cases (haha!) and they are so easy to make!

        1. The New Wanderer*

          I think it might depend on the quilt. I did this myself (although didn’t use the pieces with holes or that felt thin) but the quilt pieces are small enough that at most a worn spot might add character but not hurt the integrity of the quilt. In one case, I did the faux chenille quilt thing where the strips are meant to fray anyway and there are multiple layers.

          I also made a quicky ottoman cover with an old fitted sheet that was losing its elasticity in the corners, in the vain attempt to keep cat hair from embedding in the furniture fabric. Easy enough but I don’t recommend as it’s too thin to survive cat claws. Can also use old sheets (fitted or otherwise) on box springs as covers, if you have cats inclined to claw the corners.

          PJ pants or a lightweight robe? There are good free tutorials online for those.

          I’ve also used old sheets as muslins for sewing patterns. Probably heavier than actual muslin but I have plenty more old sheets than muslin!

        2. HQB*

          My sheets tend to get very worn in the middle and hardly worn at all around the edges. I agree that fabric that’s starting to fall apart it not a great choice for a quilt, but there may be plenty of fabric left on the sheets that’s in very good condition.

        3. pentamom*

          Sheets tend to wear more in specific spots, and be fine in others. So you could definitely use areas that haven’t had as much wear for quilt pieces.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      +1 to the suggestion of quilting.
      Pillow cases, especially if the rest of the fabric is still good?
      Small bags to hold one or two shoes when you travel?

      1. StellaBella*

        +1 pillow cases, or fabric grocery bags with handles, or get some cute patches for iron on, and make small gift bags, or make tiny fabric toys or little mats/blankets with cat nip inside if you have cats.

    4. Reader in ND*

      If you’re in a cold climate, you can make draft blockers to block cold air from coming in under the doors and windows with almost any spare fabric.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I like this idea! I’ve seen them made with the foam insulation you put around your water pipes. I may have to make a set of these for my front door now, since I’m sitting here in the living room and I can see right into the hallway. Might help keep some hallway noise out, as well.

    5. Pippa*

      Use it to try new “reach” patterns because if the project goes wrong you haven’t lost anything, but if it goes well then you have increased your sewing muscles and have a workable project. The noodle-head dot com blog has tutorials for zippered pouches. I particularly like the wide open pouches. Have fun!

          1. Jedi Squirrel*

            Thanks! I just noticed that you had written “noodle-head dot com”. Sigh+facepalm.

            Just curious about where the “reach” part comes in.

            1. Pippa*

              What I meant is that it is sometimes easier for me to try new-to-me techniques or challenge myself if the stakes are lowered. In this case, the fabric is essentially free which would give me permission to reach for a project which could go horribly wrong and waste materials (and therefore money) without all that potential guilt. I don’t take a lot of risk with money which sometimes gets in the way of expanding my creative skills or “reach.”

              1. Jedi Squirrel*

                Oh, I like this way of thinking about things! I can apply that to some other areas, as well.

              2. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

                This is a great idea! I’ve done this for patterns that take a lot of fittings. Worth it to spend the time and not worry about messing up the expensive fabric.

    6. HQB*

      A rag rug, an apron, potholders (with insulating fabric inside), reusable shopping totes, pillowcases, drawstring bags, baby bibs, dog bed cover, ironing board cover, tea towels, or dinner napkins. If the sheets are 100% cotton, you can use the fabric as landscaping fabric. You can also see if a local animal shelter or vet’s office would like them for bedding/rags.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        rag rug

        Yep, I’ve got a crocheted rag rug currently in production, mostly made of old sheets. It’s a lovely project that grows fast and avoids quite a bit of waste.

      2. Fellow Traveler*

        What method do you use for rag rugs? All the tutorials I find online require sewing and I’m not great at that and would love to find another method.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I used to have a braided rag rug my great-aunt made from her husband’s work shirts. That lasted 40 years, until it fell afoul of a sewage backup. (With a Drano chaser, ick.)
        So I’m braiding strips of sheets as they wear out, planning to make a new one.

    7. Salymander*

      Making liners for laundry hampers/baskets are a good way to use up old sheets. I bring a cloth laundry bag when I travel, and old sheets work well for those too.

      I had a blanket for my car that was actually just a flannel twin sheet layered on top of a regular cotton twin sheet and sewed around the edges. It was perfect for a warm climate where you might need a little warmth, and the soft cotton was not itchy and didn’t aggravate my skin. Stolen long ago, unfortunately.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I sewed the holes closed in my old sheets and made garment bags for my best clothes. I made extra, so every so often, I can put the bags in the wash and put the spares on the garments.

      I made shoe bags with a drawstring. I used them to make coverings for a piece of foam to make an instant dog bed for the mutt. (I got the foam with a 50% off coupon at JoAnn’s. For under $10 I had a good size bed that gave him protection from my cold floors.)

      I also sewed them into dust covers for special items in long term storage in the closet and basement.

    9. HBJ*

      If it has holes in it, it’s got to be pretty threadbare. I wouldn’t mix it with any newer fabric or even less old fabric or use it for anything time consuming or special that you hope to use for awhile.

      I’d use it for junky simple stuff you don’t care about. So like others have mentioned – pillow cases, laundry bags, pet paraphernalia, child paraphernalia. If you make muslins regularly for clothing, use it for that. If you have kids, things like burp rags. I think pajama pants is a great idea.

    10. It's a fish, Al*

      My absolute favorite thing to do with old sheets is to cut into squares, finish the edges, and BOOM! So many hankies. Old sheets are that perfect mixture of soft, absorbent, and cheap.

    12. RagingADHD*

      Rag rollers for hair, cleaning cloths, napkins, dishtowels, summer nightgowns. Or if they are 100% natural fiber, you can compost them. I use ratty sheets as weed barrier in the garden.

    13. Sleve McDichael*

      If you knit or crochet you can make “t-shirt” yarn which works up really nicely into bowls, pillows, rugs etc. Or if you know a crocheter I’m sure they would appreciate the yarn :)

    14. TimeTravelR*

      Perhaps someone has already suggested it, but perhaps Joey bags to send to Australia? You can find how to’s online.

  10. esemes*

    How much coffee do you drink? At what times? Do you usually brew it yourself (or drink free coffee brewed by others)? Or do you buy it at a shop?

    1. esemes*

      I usually drink three cups/day. During the week I drink one cup at home before commuting, one when I arrive at work (either I make a pot or a colleague makes a pot), and one after lunch that is usually sourced from some free venue in the office. I do also go out for coffee, but try to treat it as an event tied to being with someone rather than buying it when I’m alone.

    2. nep*

      Three or so cups a day. Most days I’ll stop all coffee by noon/1 o’clock. Some days (especially if I don’t have an early morning next day), I’ll have some later than that. I make it with a Bodum press.
      (I’ve gone off coffee for month or two or three at a time. Feels good in many ways. Then I go back to it.)

      1. nep*

        My friends whose house I’m ‘sitting’ have a Keurig. Lovely and quick, one cup at a time. But I can’t abide that waste. (I might buy the reusable cup.) Brought my press over.

        1. bunniferous*

          I got a Keurig for Christmas (with the extra milk frother /shot button) and I have found the reusable cup is not only more economical, but the coffee tastes better. That said, I still did get some regular pods -I have a busy lifestyle and sometimes even a bit of convenience s welcome. Interestingly enough they do sell disposable fillable pods too but they seem to be the worst of both worlds.

          I have made coffee just about every way there is to make it. French press, stovetop, drip, percolator…..I am okay with drip but it is the one kind my husband hates. Go figure.

        2. Clisby*

          The reusable pods work fine. One good thing is that you can put better coffee in them. I’ve never yet tried a Keurig pod that didn’t produce coffee that was way too weak. I can put Cafe Bustelo espresso blend in the reusable cup and get something a lot better.

      2. Working Mom*

        I usually have one cup (occasionally two) in the morning. First right when I wake up and 2nd late morning, if at all. Sometimes tea in the afternoon.

        I do notice that whenever it comes up in conversation and I mention 2 cups a day… I get this reaction… like wide eyed “OMG 2 cups?!?! I would Die!!” I am always left feeling weird… like I didn’t think 2 cups a day was such a shocking volume. Its very weird. I need a good response!! I never quite have any sharp/witty to say back.

    3. Jaid*

      Two cups of coffee during the week (one on my way to work and the other at work) and one cup on weekends. Travelling coffee is from Wawa (chain of convenience stores). Work coffee is ground coffee spooned into reusable Keuirg cup. Home coffee is instant from the Russian grocery and usually some exotic brand.

      I don’t have much of a palate for coffee. I just appreciate that it’s stronger than tea. Sometimes I need creamer for it, sometimes I don’t.

    4. Lady Jay*

      Drink one cup/day, occasionally two. I nearly always make it for myself – usually a drip coffee pot which is easiest, but when I have the time, I like a French press. On rare occasions if I have to be at work early, I’ll pick up coffee at the local Starbucks.

    5. coffee cup*

      I would drink one a day if I could but I don’t always. I try not to drink more than two, because then it starts to bother me, but normally it’s just one. I prefer others to make it for me (i.e. coffee shops) because I don’t rate my coffee skills very highly! But I’m keen to try and get myself some fancy coffee and see what happens.

    6. Blue S*

      I buy an extra large coffee every morning from Dunkin Donuts on my way to work. (Yes, I know how much that adds up to per year :) )

    7. londonedit*

      Only one cup a day for me, it makes me too jittery otherwise! I only drink coffee in the morning – at work I make my own with Nespresso pods, and at the weekend a buy a coffee from a local coffee shop near home.

    8. Keymaster of Gozer*

      1 cup in the morning from the coffee shop, then I switch to tea (about 13 cups a day. It’s a lot but I love tea so much).

      I’ve tried brewing my own but I think I did it wrong because it always tasted burnt? Maybe the coffee grounds I got were rubbish..

      1. OhCanary*

        I’m sorry, I got stuck on “13 cups of tea.” Literally 13? Wow! That’s impressive. (Do you have room to drink regular water?!)

        1. Working Mom*

          Tea is so easy to just keep drinking! Usually when I make an afternoon tea, I almost always manage to heat up enough water in the tea kettle for at least 2 mugs, possibly 3. But I typically just use one tea bag… so does that count as 1 or 3? ha! It gets progressively less intense with each mug, but still delicious and warm :)

    9. Monsooned Malabar*

      I have a hand-grinder and grind the beans for my stovetop espresso maker every morning after getting up. I have the coffee sitting on the couch and reading ask a manager :-) That‘s my only cup since I‘m too lazy to grind, wash the expresso maker etc more then once a day. I have it with warm oat milk. The beans I buy are chocolatey in flavour (do not like fruity blends).

    10. ThatGirl*

      I brew my own most of the time in a drip brewer or French press. Coldbrew in the summer. One largeish cup on weekdays, 2 on weekends, generally only in the morning.

    11. Femme d'Afrique*

      One cup a day (first thing in the morning!) that I make myself. French press. I also only drink African coffee (Ethiopian, Kenyan, or Ugandan) ;)

        1. coffee cup*

          Oh, it’s a cafetière. Didn’t realise that’s the same thing. I’ve used that for sure!

    12. Raia*

      Once a day as soon as I wake up, make it myself in an Aeropress. It’s completely halted my desire for coffee shop coffees and costs me less than $1 per cup all told, which was my desired result.

      1. coffee cup*

        This is what I need! I didn’t find the cafetière quite sated my desire for coffee shop coffee, so maybe I need to give this a try.

    13. Hamster*

      Before pregnancy, 1 cup of cold brew daily usually with add ons. Usually a medium/large from Dunkin’ or Starbucks. In desperate times I’d have bang or monster but they didn’t make me feel any different was just like water.

      Now that I’m pregnant, I get 1 small latte or something every other day and only decaf. I know 8oz cup of caffeine a day is generally allowed but I’m choosing to be more strict with it.

    15. NoLongerYoung*

      So had a Keurig for years. And about 4 cups a day of that dark roast blend. (added milk and choc Toriani syrup, and protein powder, to make it all palatable).

      My mantra was, drink coffee, stay employed. (I have very low blood pressure and heart rate).

      But I completely indulged myself this year, found a very reasonable older model Jura automatic espresso/cappuccino machine used, drove 2 hours to pick it up. Score. (it cost less than a new nespresso).

      While it is a high maintenance compared to the Keurig, I love the quality and smoothness of the coffee. I buy italian beans at the business costco (so about $7/lb for Lavazza); I switched and drink cappuccinos.

      I can easily drink my four cups and no stomach irritation. I am in love with the morning again. I think there’s actually less caffeine in the expresso than there was in that burnt-tasting dark roast. I still have to knock off by noon or the half life of the caffeine keeps me up too late.

      At the recent trade show/ conference, I did go out and buy my grande because I now am a bit spoiled for the room/ urn coffee they supply at the free tables. Or I drink tea. (to avoid the caffeine-withdrawal headache).

    16. The New Wanderer*

      I drink about 12 oz a day, which I think is two cups of coffee, in one go in the morning. I add 4 oz milk and a tsp of sugar, plus hot chocolate powder if it’s available. I brew at home with a single-serve machine (husband drinks decaf so we can’t brew a pot) from “fresh” ground beans – I can’t taste the diff (nor between brands or light/med/dark roasts), it’s because it’s cheaper to buy beans in bulk from Costco and I have a good container that holds about a week’s worth. Can’t really have caffeine after 1 pm or I won’t be able to sleep.

      If I go out or am at the airport, I get a vanilla or caramel latte and in most places don’t have to mess with it at all. I found out the hard way that Australians don’t add sugar to their lattes, but they will if you ask and it’s usually available for DIY. :-)

    17. Lady Alys*

      I make a 28 oz French-press pot with freshly ground beans every morning. Drink a mug with a little cream while I’m getting ready to leave for work, put the rest in an insulated mug (Klean Kanteen – keeps it tongue-burningly hot for hours) and drink that through the rest of the day. On the weekend I’ll finish the contents of the press during the morning and if I need more coffee I’ll make a cup using the Aeropress. Once in a blue moon I’ll have a cup of tea instead. Every now and then I contemplate giving up coffee entirely, like Mrs Dubose and her morphine in “To Kill A Mockingbird,” but three weeks of headaches does not sound fun. Sigh.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I usually have one cup in the morning, brewed in a French press. I used to drink instant (yes really) but once I tried this, I can’t go back. With full-fat half-and-half and turbinado sugar (that’s the raw-looking stuff). Ahhhhh.

      Caffeine after two or three o’clock will keep me awake later than I want, so I only have tea up until then unless I’m exhausted for some reason and hit a wall in the afternoon. If a bit of moving around doesn’t wake me up, then I’ll have a little itty bitty cup of coffee to get me through the rest of the day. Work coffee if I’m at work, even though it usually tastes like somebody dipped a brown Sharpie in hot water.

      I only buy coffee in a shop when I’m going to the shop to hang out.

    19. RagingADHD*

      Used to drink all I could get my hands on, at home, at the office, out at shops, wherever – until I started ADHD meds and couldn’t tolerate more than 1 a day.

      Since then, was drinking 1 mug per day, made at home, until I got horribly sick with the flu a few weeks ago. Couldn’t stomach anything but tea for two weeks straight.

      I used to really enjoy and crave my morning brew, but the break seems to have broken my habit. I splurged on a decaf cappuchino at a shop the other day, but it was “meh.”

      So I guess I’m a tea drinker for the forseeable future.

    20. possum possum possum*

      I drink 20-24oz of drip coffee a day, usually all at once about an hour after I wake up. I either brew it at home, or on weekdays I’ll often pick it up at the 7-11 next to my bus stop. Buying coffee out 3 or 4 times a week isn’t my best habit but it’s a dollar a pop with the rewards program and every 7th time it’s free, so I don’t feel too bad about it. My office has coffee available but it’s kind of a wonky Keurig setup, plus I can’t actually have the coffee at my desk (lab setting) so I try to get my caffeine in before I start work.

      I used to go to Dunkin and Starbucks more often, but have cut back on them a lot. I’ll go to Dunkin once in a great while when I’m feeling like having iced coffee (though I generally prefer it hot even in the summer) and Starbucks is pretty much something I get only when I travel now.

  11. Jayess*

    Looking for tips on how to manage adult ADHD in an academic setting. I’m not diagnosed, as my doctor doesn’t believe in diagnosing adult ADHD, but I’m finding it challenging managing my time and group work responsibilities. I count as a “mature student” now and I feel like I used to be good at school. Now I just feel constantly disorganized and distracted. Any teachers or ADHD academics have resources?

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sympathies from another adult who finally turned on the “must be ADD” light. I recall posting a long response about ADHD / ADD in an earlier weekend thread. Don’t think it specifically focused on adults in academic settings.

      (Today’s Google challenge: Who can find this and how quickly? :-D Not that I’m the Sole Source of Deathless Prose…it just seems a shame to recreate that particular wheel.)

      1. Jayess*

        Oh perfect! I know theres resources out there and I thought I’d built some good coping mechanisms… but they’re just not cutting the mustard. Need new ones. Brain is so loud.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Ran my own Google search. Results in next comment. Will probably detour to moderation because of the links.

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        First there’s an AAM post on just this topic from March 7, 2019:
        https://www.askamanager.org/2019/03/ask-the-readers-how-to-succeed-at-work-when-youre-not-neurotypical.html

        Here are my comments mentioning multiple resources
        https://www.askamanager.org/2018/10/weekend-free-for-all-october-6-7-2018.html
        https://www.askamanager.org/2018/10/weekend-free-for-all-october-6-7-2018.html#comment-2176901

        https://www.askamanager.org/2019/07/weekend-free-for-all-july-13-14-2019.html
        https://www.askamanager.org/2019/07/weekend-free-for-all-july-13-14-2019.html#comment-2561018
        https://www.askamanager.org/2019/07/weekend-free-for-all-july-13-14-2019.html#comment-2561027

        1. Jayess*

          Thank you! I appreciate your googling. Was entertaining the in laws for breakfast and hadn’t gotten to it yet.

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            You’re welcome! It seemed impolite to reference myself but make others do the searching. As an added benefit my search brought up the March 7, 2019 discussion with other wisdom from other folks.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      my doctor doesn’t believe in diagnosing adult ADHD

      Is it possible to see another doctor? If they are not helping you with your health concerns, it may be time to move on.

      2. Disbelieving Doctors are Jerks*

        I picked up on that, too. “doctor doesn’t believe in….” is so ridiculous. When her regular doctor retired, a friend with fibromyalgia once ended up with a doctor who “didn’t believe” it was a real thing. Claimed anyone who had it was a faker. It was a horrible experience for her, and she only saw him one time.

        1. Bibliovore*

          YIKES. When I was in my early twenties, I had debilitating cramps with my period. (still did until menopause) Seriously doubled over in pain. No meds touched it. Saw my first woman OBGYN. She said “she didn’t believe in menstrual cramps and if I was a feminist, I wouldn’t have them”

          1. Auntie Social*

            When I saw an OBGYN who saw my badly tipped uterus and said, “Well YOU’VE had some wicked cramps! Can I give you anything for them?”, I burst out crying and couldn’t stop.

            1. Bibliovore*

              My best friend never had cramps. But she was my best friend so she never said anything about cancelled plans, evenings cut short, ruined vacation days. So after her first baby she got her period. OMG the bleeding, doubled over in pain. She thought she was hemorrhaging or something awful. To the emergency room. JUST menstrual cramps. She called me to apologize for years of unsympathetic thoughts.

          2. Not a cat*

            GP didn’t believe that my migraines were “that bad”. Waited until I got one–Ubered over and threw up in his waiting room.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Don’t diagnose and don’t believe in are different things. It’s perfectly legit for a doctor to feel they’re not qualified to diagnose something, even if they’re pretty sure, and refer you to someone who is.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Yeah, sorry, I didn’t really word that one right, did I? Thank you for understanding what I meant, even though I said it badly.

          2. Jayess*

            He’s a family doctor and specializes in MS. He said in his experience most adults have developed workarounds for ADHD by adulthood, but would prescribe me antidepressants for the related issues if I wanted them. I read the side effects and felt more comfortable with my current coping mechanisms than the anti depressants. I should find a new doctor but uhhh ADHD.

            1. Dr. KMnO4*

              As an adult in academia, who successfully completed a PhD program with undiagnosed ADHD, your doctor isn’t wrong that many adults develop workarounds. I certainly did. But then I also tried medication, and it made a huge difference. Just because I can function without medication doesn’t mean I should have to. I certainly function better with it. So I agree with the comments suggesting a different doctor.

              Medication aside, I find it helpful to write everything down, and to make to-do lists.

            2. RagingADHD*

              Yeah, I wasn’t dxed until my early 40s. Sure, I had workarounds.

              Like getting up FOUR HOURS EARLY to make sure I got somewhere on time. Like proofreading everything three times, three different ways, and then asking a partner to proof it out loud with me (when I could find one). Like allowing 2 to 3 times the normal travel time to get anywhere new, to allow for getting lost.

              Like drinking up to 6 shots of espresso every morning just to function and get to work.

              The amount of time and energy I have reclaimed by taking meds is mind-boggling. Neurotypical people have no idea how much invisible work those “workarounds” actually involve. Not to mention the health effects of self-medicating, even if it’s “only” caffeine.

              And just because you CAN accomplish something with enough effort, doesn’t mean it’s a reasonable way to live.

              People with no legs could crawl everywhere on their hands, with enough effort. But most people understand that it’s reasonable they should have wheelchairs. It’s still not easy, but it’s better.

      4. Jayess*

        It is time to move on. Both my Dr and I are endurance athletes, but he kind of thinks endurance sports cure all of what ails you.
        Things still ail me from time to time, and knowing my body so closely from athletics means I know when it’s more serious.
        It’s just hard to find a doctor in my area.

      5. Seeking Second Childhood*

        It’s bogus to me too. I was diagnosed in my 40s when my daughter hit 1st grade. I was resisting Her diagnosis, and said “if she’s ADD, then so am I.” And it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Read up on underdiagnosis of women, that may be in the links gathered above.

    3. RainyDayDog*

      Don’t want to hijack, but I was planning to ask people with ADHD to suggest ways that friends and collaborators can support and work with them.

      I have a lovely collaborator who is super-bright, really willing to volunteer time and energy, very caring BUT is generally seen as difficult to work with (not by me). She’s hyper-focused, gives 30 min long lectures on topics which may or may not be relevant and useful, doesn’t always pick up on social signals. She was quite hurt and angered by someone saying that she needed to speak less to have more impact, but that is perfectly true.

      Are there strategies I could try to help us all work together more smoothly?

      1. Quandong*

        I think this would be a good question for a Friday open thread, RainyDayDog, and it may be seen by more people as a stand-alone comment.

        1. RainyDayDog*

          You’re probably right – always hard to know whether voluntary orgs are Friday or Saturday talk!

    4. Pam*

      Try to find another doctor. You may need an official diagnosis to access your school’s disability resources.

    5. Lives in a Shoe*

      I don’t have an official diagnosis but really struggle with focus and attention. An app promoted by my work has been the most effective intervention I’ve ever tried. It’s called HelloMindful and it mixes mindfulness and timers etc. There’s also an online course that goes with it – I can’t remember the name of that one. Anyhow, it might help.

    6. Cartographical*

      Seconding the advice to look for another doctor. Black Girl, Lost Keys has great general advice for late diagnosis and picking a health care professional and managing meds. Any advice on improving executive function is going to help your academic life. Make sure you explore related or sub-conditions like Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria (complicates receiving and learning from negative feedback like poor exam results) and Vertical Heterophoria (a vision condition that’s easy to miss — 50% of kids with ADHD also have vision problems that complicate their school experience) as well.

      1. Jayess*

        The RSD is super real. Just learning about its existence has helped me manage it a bit though. I’ve seen a few posts from Black Girl, Lost Keys, How to ADHD, and even Capt Awkward. But a lot of them recommend getting diagnosed first, and that’s been something of a hurdle. I tried to get advice from my therapist too, but somehow that didn’t go right either.

        1. Cartographical*

          I don’t know if you’ll see this but my advice is to proceed as if you have it and try your school’s ESP or diagnostic services, or go through your insurance company to look for a specialist. Some general practice doctors are easy going enough that for adult diagnosis they’ll just send you home with two weeks of Adderall and have you report back for further discussion because testing is expensive and if it’s working, then it’s obviously compensating for something. If it’s not, then you don’t need a formal diagnosis to get a long-term Rx

    7. Lonely Monster*

      Go to a doctor (PhD or MD) that does psycho-nuerological testing and it takes two days and they run the full battery of tests to see what you do or don’t have. You get a 20+ pages of a full diagnosis. Check with your insurance

      I know from experience. Good luck

    8. Anon for this*

      Just in case your academic setting is law school, I found “Learning Outside the Box: A Handbook for Law Students Who Learn Differently” by Leah Christensen very helpful. I recall that it was pretty specific to that context, but it might be worth seeing if your library has a copy or something to see if it has any generally applicable tips.

      Otherwise, your school might have someone on staff who can provide some support. My program had a Learning Specialist I could make a appointments with for help with specific challenges. (I do have a diagnosis – I am not sure if I would have been able to meet with her without one.)

      1. Sparrow*

        My graduate/professional school has a learning specialist that anyone can work with, diagnosis or not. They wouldn’t be able to diagnose you, but they help everyone with studying and learning strategies.

    9. Fikly*

      Ugh, doctors who do not believe in diagnosing. I do not see doctors for their beliefs, I see them for their expertise.

    12. Quandong*

      I’m so very sorry that your current doctor has this regressive belief about not diagnosing adults with ADHD. How incredibly dismissive of you and your needs! I’m angry with that doctor on your behalf.

      Apart from the excellent suggestions you’ve already received, if you are in an academic setting, have you investigated what student support services are available to you?

      Institutions may have strong or weak student services departments, but if one exists, please contact them and:
      – start the process to get tested for ADHD through the institution’s own system, with the student services team to advocate for you if necessary
      – ask for assistance and guidance to formally request accommodations for your studies, even though you have no official diagnosis yet
      – get information about the support services you are eligible for as a student at that institution, including note-takers, and other personal assistants whose job it is to help students like you
      – get information about the steps your professors/teachers are obliged to take to accommodate your needs.

      Please don’t assume you’re alone or without options even though your doctor has been unresponsive to your needs. If you aren’t studying at an institution with student support services for some reason, contact your local library and ask them for a list of organizations and resources for people in your situation.

      You deserve support and the opportunity to get tested if you wish. Your everyday life is affected by your symptoms and clearly this will impact the outcome of your studies, and your working life. If you can’t access student services, please consider asking a friend or two for support and practical help (e.g. making appointments with new doctors, accompanying you if you wish).

  12. Porcupine*

    What is your favorite thing to watch lately when the goal is just to relax and shut off your brain?

      2. Everdene*

        I love this! Have you watched the modern miss fisher series? I don’t want to be disapointed so haven’t risked it yet.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          Have not seen, didn’t know existed, off to find out more! I’ve seen the 3 series of the original and loved it.

    2. An Amazing Detective-Slash-Genius*

      Mindless sitcoms like Superstore or Perfect Harmony. They’re a little silly and I truly don’t care about the characters at all.

    3. annakarina1*

      I’ve been watching old Roseanne reruns on a local channel later at night. It’s been nice to chill out to it when I’m tired from the day.

      1. annakarina1*

        And I know Roseanne herself is an awful person, I don’t like her. I just like the rest of the cast and watch it more for them, like John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and Sara Gilbert, as well as some of the recurring side characters.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I can’t watch it anymore; I’ve seen it too many times. Plus her, ugh. Except the tornado episode; that one was always my favorite.

          “So what’s the worst that could happen? The tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.” lol

    4. Come On Eileen*

      I’m digging the remake of One Day At A Time on Netflix. It’s sweet and charming and funny. Also Great British Baking Show.

        1. ThatGirl*

          It got picked up by Pop Network, if that’s not part of your cable package you may be able to watch online.

    8. OperaArt*

      Cooking and baking shows, especially competitions. Funny, since I cook as little as possible. Maybe that’s why it’s relaxing since I feel no need to replicate what I’m seeing.
      There’s a cute little show on Hulu called “I Draw, You Cook.” Other than the first episode, it’s a competition between two chefs to make a real life version of a dish imagined by a child. The children’s imaginations provide a real challenge for the chefs.

      1. Mary Connell*

        I was so irked when Netflix removed that. (Damn it, Hardison.) Person of Interest is similar, but it doesn’t hold up as well over the entire series.

    10. Username required*

      Grand Designs or similar house renovation shows – lovely to see the final result of people’s hard work
      Any kind of cooking show – watching Simply Nigella at the moment
      Have Bronx zoo and San Diego zoo shows queued up on Nat Geo for later – the last episode I watched they rehabbed a snow leopard cub who was having trouble walking because its back legs weren’t working properly – the keepers were stitching together various types of pet harness to use for the cub’s physio sessions. Amazing to see the dedication of the keepers and to see the cub fully recovered later on.

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        The Zoo is very much my favorite zone-out and feel better about life. I really wanted to love The Aquarium as well since I have a marine biology background but alas can’t quite get into it. I am enjoying Secrets of the Zoo Tampa though.

      2. KristinaL*

        The episode about the snow leopard cub was amazing and so sweet! I had happy tears at the end.

    12. londonedit*

      Great Pottery Throwdown (UK Channel 4) or Best Home Cook (BBC). Lovely cosy competition-type programmes, but not massively competitive – they’re classic British competitions in the same format as Bake Off.

      1. fposte*

        I’m so excited that Throw Down is back! (I learned about it here, in fact.) And for additional enjoyment from the non-UK side, the first two series are now up on YouTube.

        I also like Fake or Fortune and The Art Detectives. Nice nonfiction with information about art and history and a little gentle detectivating.

          1. Chocolate Teapot*

            Yes, but I am still looking forward to the episode of Fake or Fortune when a long lost Rembrandt is discovered on a council estate.

    13. Kathenus*

      I’ve recently discovered The Carbonaro Effect on TruTV, it’s a ‘hidden camera, magic, TV show’ which is how they describe it during the reveals. I’m not a big magic fan usually, and never would have turned it on intentionally but happened upon it. Now I really love this show and am kind of obsessed and catching up on past seasons right now.

    15. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      YouTube! I love all the different things on it!
      My daughter & I have been following Kelsey doing the Sims 100 baby challenge (Single Girl Tries The 100 Baby Challenge) and I can watch/listen while I do other things.
      We also like Hot Ones (honestly so.many.more! Hahaha!)

      1. PX*

        So much thank you to whoever recc’d this a while back. I binged so much of it on BBC iPlayer and it was perfect as I was having a bit of a miserable time then. It is honestly so comforting and lovely. Excited to hear its on Netflix so other people can share the joy!

        1. Marzipan*

          I know I recommended it at some point, but I’m sure lots of other people have as well because of the general loveliness of it!

      2. Fikly*

        I find I have to pay so much attention to this, for some reason, or I just have no idea what’s going on.

    17. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been watching reruns of “Last of the Summer Wine.”

      Silly people, clever one-liners and beautiful country settings. What’s not to like.

    18. Other Meredith*

      I’ve been rewatching Hart of Dixie for the last couple of months, and I’m so sad that I only have 3 episodes left. It’s a delight.

    19. Lizzy, not borden*

      Spouse and I are watching the Good Place and enjoying it.
      and Youtube has anything anyone could want – from ear wax removals to car crashes to cute pets . . .

      1. Not a cat*

        I tried the Good Place. Ted Dansen is a national treasure, but the Chidi character made it unwatchable for me.

        1. Fikly*

          I wanted to love The Good Place. I am told it’s very funny. I just…do not find it funny at all. The humor escapes me. I don’t find it offensive or anything, I just do not see what’s funny about it. It’s very confusing.

          1. Other Meredith*

            I watched the entire first season without finding it funny. Season 2 really got me though, and now I love it so much. I wouldn’t normally stick with something that doesn’t capture me for a whole season, but I watched most of it in the middle of the night after my poor dog had surgery and couldn’t sleep.

    21. Nervous Nellie*

      Community! It’s a sitcom from a few years ago about a diverse study group of adult learners at a community college. It’s six seasons of imaginative, wacky & unabashedly sentimental feel-good silliness. Lots of ‘oh, wow’ moments, because many of the episodes subtly morph into homages of movies you might know really well. Many times I had to pause the disc and say, hold up – I KNOW that dialogue, and then – goodness, I know this scene! This just turned into Goodfellas! This show makes me grin. :)

    22. Elizabeth West*

      LETTERKENNY
      I’m bingeing it since there will be no new episodes of my online shows until fall 2020.

    23. Double A*

      Star Trek. I finished rewatching Next Generation, and I’m now watching Deep Space Nine, which I’ve never watched.

      Great British Baking Show, of course.

      And then anything I watched as a teen or in my 20s, so Friends, The Office… I’ve been putting on Sec and the City the past couple of weeks when I need to do some mindless work at night.

    24. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Mia Lykke Nielsen , “When Horses Choose”
      Just so soothing to me, and the occasional bits of Danish language remind me to study a little more.

    25. RagingADHD*

      Any of Monty Don’s gardening shows, Repair Shop on Netflix, business “intervention” shows like The Hotel Inspector, Great British Baking Show (aka GBBO), or historical sewing/making channels on YouTube like Bernadette Banner.

    27. Cartographical*

      I have a chronic illness that leaves me in bed a LOT…. Father Brown. Miss Fisher. Poirot. Any take on Jane Austen I can find. Midsomer Murders. Leverage is wonderful, someone suggested that. Ultimate Beastmaster. Hyperdrive. Sports documentaries are really good these days in general, there is some good stuff on Netflix and The Players’ Tribune. Xena holds up really well! Buffy & Firefly. The Marvelous Miss Maisel. Elementary. We own a ton of original & new Doctor Who, you might be able to get it from the library? My partner watches Twitch streams when he’s sick. One of my friends is obsessed with Critical Role and other tabletop streams. If you can do subtitles or know Korean, Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung was amazing and is 20 hours of gorgeous costumes and adorable main characters.

    28. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Cats channels! Meow meow, Robin Seplut, Mejoo and Cats, Cream Heroes, Airang, and TinyKittens. As for TV programmes, The Return of Superman, Lewis and Endeavour (all those gorgeous river shots and the late Barrington Pheloung’s music in the background are goals).

  13. Washi*

    A new yoga studio recently opened near my house, and they were offering a deal of $30 for a month of unlimited classes, and the website said you could start your month whenever you went to your first class. I got the deal in December and logged into my account today and now the website says that what I purchased was actually a discounted first month of membership, which auto-renewed a couple days ago for $99! I’ve contacted the studio to see if I can get my money back, but I’m feeling really upset with myself about this. The website definitely didn’t make it clear that this would auto-renew after a month, but on the other hand, there could have been some fine print that I missed.

    And I’m feeling so upset with this that the idea of going to the studio a couple times in the next 2 weeks until my “membership” expires doesn’t even sound fun, so I’ll have payed like $130 for literally nothing.

    Anyone have any tips for getting over an expensive mistake? I won’t be destitute or anything as a result of this, but I just feel so dumb.

    1. purrpelle*

      If the studio is smart, they will make an exception rather than lose a customer.

      and you paid for the yoga! you should definitely go. get your monies worth. I love yoga.

      I have made many many many expensive mistakes in my life, and you just look at it as learning experience- I no longer shop online while drinking cheap wine, i always ask myself prior to purchasing anything if its something i truly need or want and will it improve my life or will i hate it in a year- Its really all you can do. right now I want a new couch but i have a dog and it just doesn’t make sense to buy new and throw blankets all over it.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I no longer shop online while drinking cheap wine

        There’s an article on The Hustle about drunk amazoning being a $49 billion a year industry. So yes. Most of the people I work with have their Amazon sent to them at work, and we’ve had quite a few “I don’t remember ordering this” moments.

        I agree with everything you’ve said here. I just moved, and thanks to my not reading the fine print in my old lease, it’s going to cost me about $200. Now I read the fine print.

        I always take the point of view that it’s fine to make a mistake once. Just don’t make it twice.

        1. Washi*

          Jedi Squirrel and purrpelle, this actually made me feel a lot better! I get stressed out about money stuff like this – I won’t bat an eye at paying for something really expensive when there’s no way around it (like my grad school tuition) but I really beat myself up for mistakes about much smaller amounts of money. It’s comforting somehow to hear about other people making mistakes!

          1. valentine*

            Don’t accept that it’s your mistake. Maybe a popup didn’t load or someone didn’t update the site. Tell them there was no mention of renewal and ask them for a refund. If they are absolutely steadfast, ask if you can have three months of classes, similar to a continuation of your deal. Try to do this in writing. If they say no, register a credit card dispute and see if either they or your bank will pay you back.

            In future, copy all text and paste it somewhere you can enlarge it and look for words like charge and renewal.

    2. fposte*

      Ooh, sounds like they follow the gym membership model of skeeziness. At this point I don’t believe any service that needs my financial info for a free month; they’re pretty much all default auto-renewal.

    3. blackcat*

      Call your credit card and make sure to block transactions from them going forward. You might be able to say that you did not authorize the 99 dollar change, and you might be able to get that back.

      A business that does this is not one you want to give your money to. They sought out to trick you! This was the goal! Don’t feel bad!

    4. Sparkly Lady*

      Talk to the studio owner. If it’s a new studio, the owner may still be learning how to configure their class membership software and made a mistake about your billing.

      Even if it wasn’t a mistake, the owner is likely to do their best to refund your money given that you haven’t been to a class yet and so obviously didn’t intend to authorize a monthly membership. There’s no need to accept that this can’t be fixed.

    5. Natalie*

      The website definitely didn’t make it clear that this would auto-renew after a month, but on the other hand, there could have been some fine print that I missed.

      I don’t think you have anything to be upset with yourself about? This practice is deceptive, and you were successfully deceived. It happens, clearly it happens a lot or “fine print” wouldn’t have the colloquial meaning it does. Be annoyed with them for feeling like the best way to get customers is to trick them. And insist on getting your money back, if they won’t refund you contact your bank. You usually have 1-3 months from the statement fate, depending on whether it’s a credit card or checking account.

      1. Not a cat*

        I’ve found that almost everything is auto-renew these days. Most don’t even notify you, just charge your card/account. I find this practice super scummy, but there seems to be no way around it.

  14. WellRed*

    Listening, loudly, to something on your cell phone while sitting at the bar of local chain restaurant. Am I crazy for thinking that’s a no? I asked a guy, who I know by sight, if he could turn it down slightly after it became apparent it was going to be awhile. He did, but after finishing his mozzarella sticks, got all pissy me with me about it. Trust me when I say, I rarely ask people to lower the volume. People think they have the right to do anything but I say part of the social contract in public is remembering you’re in public.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      That’s a no from me as well.

      Use earphones, it’s not hard. Also, I would think that using earphones/headphones would be better in a bar environment because you can hear it more clearly.

    2. Washi*

      This is a huge pet peeve for me! I feel like it I encounter it more on public transportation, but I’ve never gotten up the courage to ask if the person can turn it down. I find it extra annoying because it doesn’t even make sense to me – why would you want to blast music/videos on your tinny phone speakers when you could just use earbuds and get higher sound quality?

    3. Myrin*

      I have found that the Venn diagram of people who think it’s just fine and dandy to listen to loud music/videos/the news without earphones and people who get pissy and rude if you dare ask them to lower their volume is a circle. Ask me how I know. :/

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Always use headphones in public. Always.

      I’d talking to YOU, person on the airport shuttle bus.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        And YOU, person in ER waiting room who has no common sense or respect for others. I went in last year because I was on an immunosuppressant and came down with a really high fever, shaking, chills, flank pain, etc. I had both pyelonephritis AND the flu…but I had to sit in the waiting room for 12 hours before they took me back. Several people were listening to YouTube videos and music streaming apps at top volume, and one family (a group of about seven people) had PIZZA delivered and had themselves a little pizza party. The ER waiting room is like 10 feet from an open area with tables and chairs for eating, but they just had to eat their greasy-smelling pizza around a bunch of sick people.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        And YOU, person who argues with his wife on speakerphone in the open ‘customer presentations” space just behind my desk at the place that shall not be named. Even though I’ve told him repeatedly we’re hearing his conversation clearly.

    5. londonedit*

      It’s a massive no from me! See also: watching things without headphones on public transport. I find it hugely rude.

    6. Three owls in a trench coat*

      Yeah, that’s just rude.

      Another thing that gets me is the people who walk around with their phones held in front of their faces having loud, full-on conversations on speakerphone in public. Just…the lack of consideration for those around you is appalling.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      Good for you and I would also ask him. I was on a plane and the woman next to me was watching something on her phone. It was noisy and obnoxious. After my Patented Glares of REALLY? didn’t change her behavior, I finally asked her to turn down the volume.

      “But then I won’t be able to hear it,” she answered.

      “Then – use a headset,” I suggested.

      She got cranky. “Well I DIDN’T BRING ONE.”

      And then – like I was supposed to be all, OH THEN BY ALL MEANS PLEASE MAKE NOISE FOR THE REST OF THIS THREE-HOUR FLIGHT!

      Which is not what I did. I just asked again, very politely but with a cut-direct voice, “Then please turn down the volume. It’s very distracting.”

      She finally, in a huff, just turned it off. Which – yeah. You’re on a plane. Next to other people. You can make electronic noise in your space, but not in mine.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I hate that.
      I also hate when gyms play music loudly. Dude, people are listening to their own music and to podcasts; they don’t want to try to decipher it through the damn radio you’ve got banging at full volume. Just don’t play any music at all, please.

      1. Fikly*

        The lobby of my apartment building sometimes plays two different songs at once, at loud volume. Not ok!

    9. hello I feel the same*

      It’s awful. I was once in a 3 hour train journey and two people were watching a video together on a phone with very loud audio. I was seething internally when I decided to channel Alison’s advice, and assume that they don’t really want to be rude, and of course they’ll stop when they realise it. It took me ten minutes to steel myself, but I asked them in a friendly cheerful tone to turn it down, and they were happy to find earbuds.

      Some people will double down, but it is worth it to make this attempt first if you think you’re safe.

    10. Kiwi with laser beams*

      It’s so entitled! And it’s not like headphones are a novel concept – for decades, you HAD to have headphones with your Walkman/Discman/etc. or you couldn’t listen to it. So I really don’t know why some people started getting the idea that you can listen to your shit out loud in public.

    11. Miranda Priestly’s Assistant*

      Nope. This happens from time to time on our public transport. Unfortunately, if you ask to turn it down, the normal response is “lend me some earphones or it’s not gonna happen”.

  15. Getting all the things done: small child edition*

    How do people juggle having kids when they have long commutes? How do you leave the house on time? How does your house stay clean?

    I’m planning to start trying to get pregnant later this year and I’m worried about how we’re going to manage schedules and keeping the house clean, dogs walked etc. (For reference, I get up at 5:30am, leave for work at 6:30am, and I get home around 6pm. My husband gets home after 7pm.)

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      How does your house stay clean?

      That pretty much goes out the door once kids come in, alas. You can clean, but it doesn’t really get clean or stay clean. It’s a never-ending battle.

      1. nep*

        A got a chuckle from this line I once heard: Cleaning the house with children around is like brushing your teeth while eating an Oreo.

              1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

                Yep – it doesn’t look done, but it looks better than it would have if you hadn’t bothered.

                1. Fikly*

                  Or you need to park your car, and you cannot do that until you remove the snow, even though another foot is predicted.

        2. The New Wanderer*

          Like vacuuming, ever. Once they’re eating anything solid and then mobile, the floor is never clean again.

      2. RagingADHD*

        We call it “running the Zamboni.” You’re just taking off a layer from time to time so nobody trips.

    2. CAA*

      You figure it out as you go. You lower some standards and just understand that your house will never be as clean as it was pre-child, or you hire someone to come in and do the major chores. You will also learn that you can do many things one-handed while holding a baby or pushing a stroller. It also really helps to have the child’s day care or school near your office.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        “You lower some standards”

        Yep. You’ll quickly figure out which things need to get done on a regular basis and which can get done once a month or even whenever. And those pizzas in the freezer when everyone is too tired to cook are a lifesaver.

    3. Anon Siberian*

      Trying later this year, definitely following this thread. We wake up 6:30 am, work, I get home 6 pm, he gets home 7, and I take public transit (free through work) and he has the 1 car….no idea how day care will work.

      1. FormerTheatreArtist*

        I find public transit is actually pretty easy for me with a kid. When she was really little I would wear her, now she’s 3 and trades off between during on my lap during crowded bus times or sitting next to me when there’s space. We only ride the bus, and if the culture in your city is less likely to surrender a seat to a parent with a baby, you may have a harder time, but hopefully you’ll be pleasantly surprised!

    4. Dancing Otter*

      I was fortunate enough, when I had a six-year-old and a long commute, to have on-site day care at work (college of education) that I used during the summers. It would have worked for a pre-schooler year-round.
      During the school year was harder. I used a day care center that opened early, so I just lost half an hour of sleep, no other problem there. The evening pick-up deadline was scary a couple of times, though, when traffic was extra bad. Be sure to ask, when interviewing day care providers, what their practice is regarding delays: one place supposedly turned unclaimed children over to the police half an hour after closing time. (I never found out whether or not they really did, thank goodness.)
      A lot of day care centers aren’t prepared to take infants. The required staffing ratio is much higher, and infants’ immune systems aren’t really ready for the walking Petri dish environment of groups of other children. Seriously consider whether you could swing taking a l.o.n.g maternity leave.

      1. Getting all the things done: small child edition*

        Take a long maternity leave isn’t really possible. I would have to quit my job, which would put a ton of extra stress on my husband.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        Also note that while daycare hours might be 6 am to 6 pm, there are restrictions on leaving your child for more than 10 hours.

        I/we managed because I had a really flexible schedule, but I had to go to extended part time (32 hrs min per week, kept full benefits) after my first child was born. Both because of schedule and potential burnout from the commute + 8 hrs in office + daycare restrictions. FWIW I had 8 weeks partially paid mat leave followed by 4-6 weeks unpaid FMLA (4 for first, 6 for second), so the kids entered daycare at 3.5 and 4 months old, respectively. Watch your sick leave because daycare germs will knock everyone out. If you can afford a nanny, I know many people who go that route – expenses go up but your daily arrangement could be better.

        Kids are now in elem school and house cleanliness is still iffy, but I do cook most dinners from scratch. You pick your battles.

    5. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Not all the things get done. Options to try to get more things done include:

      – Seriously inventory all the tasks, and allot them equitably between the two adults. “Equitably” doesn’t mean “equally”; it’s a more complicated calculus based on who hates which task less, what kind of standard you can agree on for “done,” and how many actual hours out of the week you can devote to cleaning.

      – Hire a weekly/monthly maid service, whether for general cleaning or specific tasks.

      – To save time in the morning, prep tomorrow’s sack lunches while tonight’s dinner is cooking. To save time in the evening, prep future dinner components while tonight’s dinner is cooking. Also plan dinners that can be easily done as leftovers the next day; I would make casseroles a few times per week when my kid was still living at home.

    6. bunniferous*

      If I were you I would hire household help, at least for the first few years. Do not underestimate the fatigue factor of dealing with an infant/small child along with everything else. If you can delegate or throw money at a task this is the time to do it.

    7. OhCanary*

      The housecleaning, don’t worry about. The commute? Yeah, one of you is going to have to adjust your hours. There are regulations to how long kids can stay in day care each day; many (most?) states won’t allow a kid to be there for 12 hours.

      I’m a one-commute, one wfh household with two little kids in a town full of commuters (we live outside NYC). Every two-commute family I know has to have an au pair to deal with this level of childcare; or, one of the parents has a flex work schedule.

      I don’t mean to scare you. But I’ve seen lots of people (usually moms) be like “oh I’ll figure out the commute stuff once the baby’s here” only to end up quitting their jobs. (Which fine if that’s what you want, but most of them didn’t want it.) So I would recommend thinking about it now.

      My husband works from home (for himself) so is super flexible and it’s truly the only way we’ve made it work, especially with the consistent train delays NJ Transit has.

    8. Ezera*

      House does not stay clean :). We clean it maybe once a month or more (vacuuming, bathroom), but honestly it just stays dirty, the laundry stays unfolded. I have a 1.5 year old. Get up 5:30, leave the house approx 7 or 7:30, get home 5:45. We’re going to get a once a month house cleaner when we can afford it.

      I don’t always leave the house on time, but I’ve also been at my job a long while, so they’re flexible. I skip lunch to make my hours.

    9. leukothea*

      We made it work by one parent having a normal 9-5 type schedule at work and the other parent working midnight to 10 am four days a week. One of us was pretty much always home, which really helped!

    10. Book Lover*

      Hmm. I leave for work at 7 and get home just before 6. I have a cleaner once a week and I get irritable at the kids and have them pick up after themselves as much as possible.
      I couldn’t make things work without a nanny or family member dropping them off and picking them up and getting lunches ready for school and dinner ready for when they get home though. My older one gets up at 8, after I have left, and the younger goes to bed at 7, so without help I am not sure what I would do. I assume they would both need to get up earlier/go to bed later. Paying for help is the best way to make life more pleasant though, I think, with a clean house being the least of things really. There is the cooking and the shopping and so much laundry.

    11. Getting all the things done: small child edition*

      Thanks for all the advice! It’s really helpful.

      I’m thinking that we might have to daycare plus a nanny/babysitter who can do late afternoon daycare pickup and a couple of hours until i get home. I’m think that we will also need a cleaning service.

      Staggering work schedules would be hard to do. We live near a large city with all the associated traffic jams. Plus my husband drives and takes a train to get to work, so he is at the mercy of the train schedule.

      1. Working Mom*

        If you can afford a cleaning service – get a once a week cleaning to do toilets, sinks, tubs, floors. That will help a TON. You may not need/want it forever, but it will be a nice luxury to have that taken care of at least in the beginning when you’re adapting to your new schedule.

        You’ve gotten a lot of great tactical advice, so I’ll give you something else. Perspective. Working parent to fellow working parent. When you have those days/weeks where you feel like it’s just so hard for you but everyone else manages everything so easily. The secret is… everyone else is lying. I’m serious. So many people “act” like everything is easy and perfect, but they cry in the shower too. Don’t get sucked into the “perfection” vortex. You do you the best you can every day. Some days you’ll be a stellar parent and maybe a not so great employee. Other days you’ll kick butt at work and feel like you’re stinking at home. And then another day you’ll make home baked treats a delicious dinner and do laundry… but you had to take PTO and send your kid to childcare to do it. That’s OK!!! However you make it work, is OK. Some people doing a bunch of meal prep every Sunday. Some people buy pre-packaged meals for easy heating up in the oven. There is no one secret or trick – except that you’ll figure it out and even on the hard days – it’s perfectly normal.

        So no mater what, don’t be hard on yourself! *You may not have needed this little pep talk, but I needed it and never got it from anyone. So, I make it my mission to share it whenever possible! :)

    12. Observer*

      You’ve gotten some good advice.

      You should absolutely look into getting cleaning help. Even half a day each week can make a ridiculously significant difference. It’s not cheap, but it’s worth giving a lot of stuff up for this. If you absolutely cannot do it once a week less often is still helpful.

      And, yes, you guys are going almost certainly going to have to adjust schedules. 2 of you with 12+ hours out of the house every day is going to be hard to manage. When it’s the same 12+ hours it is almost certainly going to be unworkable.

      If you take your kid to childcare near where you work, it could help a bit. But still, difficult.

    13. D.W.*

      As everyone has stated, there are trade offs. You will figure what needs to be done regularly and what can slide.

      Both my husband and I work. I commute into NYC and was able to work out two days work-from-home, and he works from home full-time. We cloth diaper, so that MUST be done every day. The rest of my daughter’s laundry gets done on the weekend. It’s also really important to me that I continue to cook our meals, so that gets done.
      To be honest, I don’t leave the house on time. I get to work around 10a and I still leave at 5p and I pump at work as well. I cram as much work as I can during those hours.

      Discuss whay flexible options are available for you. Since you both commute, find a daycare nearest one of your jobs. My daughter was 4mo when she started daycare, she is 9mo today.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Two parent households cab try to flex their schedules– one parent handles before school the other parent handles after school. It can be hard to stay a connected couple, though.
      I’ve known people to hire a morning nanny, a college student or a retired neighbor. I’ve known people whose parents lived near enough to pitch in. And some daycares open at 7 a.m. and close at 6 p.m.

    16. Owler*

      If both of your jobs are important to keep, you almost certainly will need to divide and conquer the pickups and drop offs, i.e., one of you is on morning drop off, and the other is on evening pickup. Otherwise, the parent who does both will be the one who puts her job second… doing sick days, closed daycare days, and shortened days to accommodate the daycare schedule. Talk about it before the baby comes.

    17. LCS*

      I’ve got two kids and an insane schedule also – normal days are out of the house 6:30 – 5PM and during our roughly 8 week busy season annually I’m out of the house every day (6-7 days a week) from 5:15 – 8:30 or 9 PM. Husband also works a lot, I’d say averaging 45-55 hours weekly. A couple things we’ve learned to make this easier:
      1. Lower standards. Seriously. Beds do not need to be made. Kids do not need to wear perfectly designed & matching outfits if it’s not a special occasion. Store-bought cupcakes work just as well for the school bake sale as homemade. Pick the things that are important to you and still do those really well, but if everything is important to you you’re setting yourself & family up for failure.
      2. Bi-weekly cleaning service is non-negotiable for me. I have quite literally never cleaned a toilet, shower, bathtub, mopped a floor etc. since we have had kids. I keep up with clutter, keep common areas clean day to day, do laundry, wash dishes etc. but to try and do the heavy duty stuff in my almost non-existent time off with kids underfoot is an exercise in frustration & futility.
      3. I’m not sure what your job is but I had my company set up a home office for me. That way on the days when I’ve got a sick kid, or a repairman coming, or need to bail out by 2 PM for a pickup or appointment I can jump online for a bit when everyone is in bed and finish up. Husband has a home office too. It’s a lot easier to put in long hours when some are in pajamas, at a time convenient for me.
      4. My kids are a bit older now – 6 & 9 – and although it seems so hard to take the time to teach them life skills and build independence (rather than just doing stuff for them) it is so worth it. Both kids now help clean, fold & put away laundry, can make their own simple meals, pack school lunches, dust, shovel snow, set the table, get the mail from the end of the street, take out the garbage, rake leaves, etc. We’re at a point now where they are legitimately helpful contributing members to the household.
      5. True equality between parents when it comes to both house and kid work. Basically we operate on the assumption that no one is allowed to sit down until both of us are able to sit down. And again – lower standards here. I see so many of my mom friends drive themselves and their husbands crazy when the husbands don’t do something “right” so the mom does it instead, resentfully. And I’ve got to say, after almost a decade operating on this principle, I’ve come to learn that a bunch of the stuff I thought my husband was doing “wrong” at first was actually just different and in a bunch of cases, better than my way. I never would have seen that if I’d just taken over.
      6. Re: leaving the house on time with small kids – honestly, I often used to dress them for the next day before bedtime so it’s literally a case of get up – brush teeth – out the door. Get yourself ready first and the kids are less than five minutes from bed to car as the last step before walking out the door. At that age it’s all onesies and track pants anyways which are as comfortable as pajamas. If you can, look for a daycare that provides breakfast so you don’t have to worry about feeding them early in the morning. This was a big lifesaver for us.
      7. Make choices that simplify your life. For example other than extreme formal wear, everything I own can be washed and dried with no special precautions required; I’m certainly not messing around with separating loads or ironing or running to the dry cleaner. Neither of my kids own a single white t-shirt because they stain easier and I know I’m not taking the time to mess around with stain remover. I buy mittens (we’re Canadian) in bulk, all matching, so that when either kid invariably loses a glove, everything else we have matches and can be substituted in with a minimum of drama.
      8. Batch meal prep. It’s important to me to eat reasonably well but it’s a lost cause to cook well every day through the week. Sundays are all about making a big meal or two that can get re-purposed into a couple lunches or dinners through the week and about pre-chopping fruits & veggies to make it easier to grab-n-go in a healthier way through the week.
      9. We were never super strict “schedule” people when our kids were babies. If we had been, lots of times one or both parents could have gone days at a time without seeing the kids awake. Obviously if you find your kid really needs a routine, give them a routine. But it served us well to be a bit more flexible and it served the kids well too. When there’s lots going on now, or when we travel, I see my kids better able to roll with it and adapt vs. a lot of kids their age who are used to a stricter regimen.
      10. To each their own in terms of sleep training / co-sleeping / etc., I know this is a personal choice for everyone. That said, we had both kids in their own cribs in their own room from Day 1. I breastfed so was still in with them a couple of times a night but I do think the separation led to them being better sleepers earlier than many. Both were regularly sleeping through the night by 6-8 weeks, and when they sleep, you sleep, which makes the rest of it a million times more manageable.

      Good luck – it’s a wild ride! – but totally doable.

      1. Observer*

        Mostly excellent advice.

        I’m going to disagree a touch on the sleeping issue. It’s true that it’s a very personal issue. But having the baby in your bedroom generally doesn’t negatively affect the baby’s sleep. With one major caveat. You need to be able to ignore noises that the baby makes. Most babies make noises. Not loud, just present – the squeak, squawk, sound like they might be starting to then don’t cry. If you ignore that, it turns out to not be an issue. To the extent that what parents do affects the baby’s sleep it’s a matter of ignoring those noises and sleep training. Despite all the big talk about it, the is no ONE RIGHT method. But, if your kid isn’t a good sleeper, you do need to sleep train. Find the method that works for you, but find a method.

        Keep this in mind – it is to both your benefit AND to the baby’s benefit that you manage to get some sleep.

        1. Working Mom*

          Also, if you end up nursing your newborn… come back here and we those of us who’ve done it can offer loads of tips and tricks for nursing/pumping!

  16. General von Klinkerhoffen*

    One of the chief benefits of expensive childcare is that they handle meals and are generally unflappable. You can drop off baby in a clean diaper and unmatched clothes, and nobody bats an eye, but feeds them three balanced meals (and/or bottles as necessary) and entertains and naps them so that when you pick them up you can just do the nice bath/story/snuggles part of the day.

    The house stays clean while you aren’t in it, by and large (dogs notwithstanding), and small children will “help” while you clean on days off. You lower your standards, too.

    Small children will always happily go for a walk, particularly while small enough to be in a carriage/stroller/sling. You may need to take turns with the dog in the week, eg one doing mornings and one evenings.

    Staggering work patterns can help a lot, to avoid heavy traffic and reduce childcare hours. Perhaps you could swing it so one did 6-3 and one 10-7, for example, or both condense full time into four days (M-Th and Tu-Fri respectively). Depends heavily on role and employer, obviously, but that’s how people I know tend to manage it if neither parent can go part time.

    Good luck!

    1. Lilo*

      My kid eats so much better at daycare than he does at home. At daycare he’ll eat all the veggies they give him. At home, even giving him the exact same veggies, he rejects them.

  17. Keymaster of Gozer*

    Meant to throw a treat for the cat and put my toast down on the plate. Instead threw the toast at the cat.

    How do I apologise to my cat?

      2. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        My daughters cat would have loved it – she LOVES bread/toast! She has been known to steal the top piece off a sandwhich – ignores the meat, give her the brebs!

    2. Lcsa99*

      Thats hilarious. My cats would have been confused but entertained. Just give her the treats anyway and she’ll totally forget it.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        He did give me the stink eye, then tried to eat a packet of bog roll so I think he’s ok. Or he’s trying to eat all the plastic in the house again. One of those.

    3. peanut*

      Wow, cats are so different from dogs. If I did this to my dog, the toast would have disappeared down his throat in about a second, NO APOLOGY NECESSARY except from him to me.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Haha! In-laws Labrador is like that. Any kind of foodstuff within visual range, regardless of size or transport method, is going down her throat.

      2. KR*

        If I did this to my cat she would be startled and then try eating the toast before the dogs got to it. She would not want an apology, only toast

        1. Baja*

          Yeah my cat, it would probably bounce off her head and she’d either just keep blink once and keep staring at me for her treat or chase after and attack the toast. In either case, no apology needed.

      3. Salymander*

        Ha! I once dropped a slice of toast as I was getting it out of the toaster. One time. My dog spent the next several years, every morning, parking himself on the floor next to where the toaster is. Waiting for another slice.

    4. WellRed*

      Have you seen the video where someone throws a cheese slice to a dog who catches it in his mouth and eats it. Then throws cheese at cat, it lands on his face, he freezes and then falls backward off the counter? Hilarious

    7. Lena Clare*

      Haha mine would just lick the butter off it as if it were meant for them.
      My cats are like dogs though. They play fetch and everything.

    8. university minion*

      Cheap-ass rolls, feline edition! I can totally see a cat writing that letter after having bread accidentally thrown at him/her.

    9. StellaBella*

      this is the funniest thing I have read all day, thank you!
      I am not sure on the cat – extra treats?

    10. tangerineRose*

      I’d just say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that” and give your kitty 2 treats.

  18. Anon Bystander*

    My spouse’s brother broke up with his live-in girlfriend of seven years this past Sunday. 2 years ago, bro told us over drinks he didn’t know if he saw her as “the one.” When we all went on vacation together a year ago, she livid, screamed at the top of her lungs at him for his lending out her curling iron to one of us in our shared Air B&B without asking her—then continued screaming and cursing so loud it almost made the neighbors call the cops and one privately told me she sounded verbally abusive.

    That, and, the same 48 hour period, he quit his consulting job and plans to move in with his dad in a week—the same dad who he is fully aware stole his college fund.

    I can’t even………

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Just be glad he isn’t asking to move in with YOU. My ex-husband’s brother asked to stay in my guest room for a couple of weeks when he left his wife; he stayed over six months!
      As to the girlfriend, sounds like it was more than past time to break up with her.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Sounds like between his dad and his girlfriend, he’s got to the point where he thinks abuse is normal.

        1. valentine*

          To be fair, we don’t know how he behaves with her. Maybe he is the type to push buttons until the person gets loud. I wouldn’t bother swearing all day, but I’d have had to dump both him and my curling iron.

  19. General von Klinkerhoffen*

    Niche content alert…

    You may have seen the Dolly Parton challenge in the last few days, where you share four photos of yourself as if your profile pictures on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram and Tinder respectively. There are amusing examples from ordinary people, and celebrities and organisations as diverse as Orkney Library and Arnold Schwarzenegger have joined in the fun.

    Anyway, those who recognise the derivation of my username here would appreciate the version showing Officer Crabtree on LonkedOn, Faceback, Anstagrom and Tender. Link in reply.

    3. CAA*

      I saw some of these earlier this week. I love Dolly’s original post, but I think my favorite one is from @LEGO_Group.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        I shall have to look for that!

        In related news, today there was an animated Lego reconstruction of Cantona’s karate kick. That’s worth a look too.

  20. Dating help needed anon*

    Hi all…writing partially to vent and get some perspective, if I am too hopeful/putting too much pressure on myself about a new man I have been seeing, and a disclaimer, dating is a bit tough for me because of past history, there are trust issues at play, mostly about trusting myself. About a month ago I was writing here about opting to go on a date with my sweet handsome coworker Jeff. So, happy to report I’ve been on several dates with Jeff. It’s been less than a month since our first date, though we had a few lunches at work before we actually went out. He is a really sweet guy – wants to take things slow, including the bedroom part, to get to know me first and as he said “not ruin a good thing”. He plans nice proper dates, asks for my input. The kind of crazy thing is that we are weirdly aligned on certain things. We both did online dating and didn’t like the people we met. I appreciate him wanting to take things slow on the physical end, because I was kind of freaking out about that at first. We are both looking for serious committed relationships, we are both overthinkers, he, I think, overthinks things more than I do, haha. We are in the same industry and are both a bit nerdy. The coworker who set us up kind of vetted him for me, reassured me that he’s a big sweetheart and I won’t be disappointed. He is a great little planner and always plans ahead for our next date…this brings me great joy and relief and he talks about the next date during the date that we are on, he says he likes to stay one step ahead, which I find endearing. We became exclusive during the third date (I said it, during a lengthy makeout session, then it turned out, we admitted to each other that we were both a little “omg that just happened” afterwards). I think we both want kids…though we haven’t had that conversation yet, but he’s given some pretty clear indications. He understands my needing sometimes solo weekends away to decompress after a stressful 2019, he is completely supportive of me developing/re-discovering new hobbies, as I haven’t had a chance to have many because of years of grad school and working concurrently (he has a few of his own that are very cool)..I know this sounds like what a normal person would do anyway, but because of my past relationship history, I was scared that starting to date someone new would not give me room for any other hobbies. He held my hand on the second date, he is a great kisser, he’s super respectful, always punctual, I find him to be trustworthy. He is super consistent and reliable about our dates. Before the last date that was on a weeknight he offered to stay longer at work so I can go home and chill out a bit and then he picked me up. Yes, he does live with his mother and about 40mins away from where we work, but that hasn’t really been an issue so far. When I asked him if he’d be supportive of a future spouse’s career, he gave a beautiful eloquent response, that he considers himself to be flexible that he understands that given how much time and effort that I invested in my schooling that my career is important to me and that he’s open to considering moving elsewhere for a good job. My heart swelled when I heard that. I had a hard time asking him that question and he said that he can tell it was weighing on my mind for a while and gets that I wouldn’t want to waste my time with someone who isn’t aligned with that. I know this stuff maybe sounds like normal things, but I don’t think I ever dated someone like that and someone who I consider it to be easy to discuss these things. I ended up confessing to him about a minor but annoying health issue that I am dealing with and he confessed to something else that he has to manage health-wise and told me he gets it if I decide no to see him again because of it. On the second date he told me he’s never felt so comfortable with anyone as he has with me and I admitted the same.
    BUT, there are a few buts and I am freaking out about them, because I am scared of making a bad decision (I have trust issues that I am working on with my therapist…seeing her this week, but needed to write things out here before that appointment). He doesn’t ask me good questions, which I’ve pointed out to him on the second date…he took the feedback in stride and said that he doesn’t want to pry to make things feel like an interview. He said he can be shy and timid and awkward and asked to give him time on that. He is also very sparing with compliments, I also pointed that out and he said that it was because he doesn’t want to offend me, he isn’t good at them but will work on it…because it was taking him a while to get to that, I flat out asked him on another date if he’s attracted to me, and he said that yes, he is very into me, that I have nothing to worry about (the making out is good evidence haha), but said he needs to work on those compliments. On our last date he complimented my shoes and admitted that he liked them since date #1. He has no problem taking compliments though and he even thanks me sometimes when I ask him a question about his day, and when we have awkward conversation pauses he tends to tell me something about himself, instead of asking a question, which honestly, is a bit irritating. During one of our dates he said that given his personality, these awkward pauses tend to happen. One evening on the phone, he had a hard time asking me what I am doing throughout the week after work, because he said “we haven’t talked about that yet” and he didn’t want to pry. I have an advanced grad degree, for which friends (who were a great source of support) when I was doing it, praise me often (he met me afterwards), he said it once or twice, and is curious to learn how that was for me, without prying, but he isn’t as complimentary as my friends…I think I’m pretty darn great and tbh I expect more praise. And sometimes he is just not good with any follow-on questions about something I tell him about. He is not a big texter, but whenever a text comes, it’s always supersweet, like once it was that my perfume was left on his coat and he smelled it the next day and it made him feel good. Every morning he checks in with a morning text and lately, every evening I get a sweet good night text. I on the other hand am a pretty frequent texter, and tbh, would be happy to tell him all about my day every day, though he might not be there yet. He never expects an immediate text response, there’s never “how long did it take you to reply?”. I love sharing links to funny articles, but that doesn’t always jive with him…he said that during the work day, it’s difficult for him to do that and that he’d rather plan to have a coffee with me and talk. He brings me candy that I like at work. Our communication styles are a bit different, especially the texting, though my therapist said that given my past relationships, it’s a good thing to have less digital noise like that. But I am scared that maybe him and I aren’t as good a match as I thought and that maybe I already know that and are scared to admit it to myself. I freak out internally almost before every single date, and each date, so far, has been good. During the last date, I was kind of annoyed at the beginning, I thought he dismissed a work issue I was venting about, and I thought that maybe I should say something about us being / not being a good match, but when I asked him about being a supportive partner for my career, once I heard his answer, any want of breaking things off, vanished. I ruminate on this constantly and some nights it impacts my sleep, because before sleep I am stressing out and fretting. I stayed waaay too long in my last serious relationship (it ended close to 10yrs ago), so that is a constant fear. I am also scared that I am not trusting my gut or listening to it. I haven’t been on dates with a normal nice guy in a long time and I am scared to let this one go, especially because I am attracted to him and like many things about him…I feel that there could be a future here, but maybe not? My therapist recommended to sticking to facts about Jeff (during the last appt I thought that maybe he wasn’t into me, that was clearly incorrect) and evaluating based on that and the qualities I am looking for in a man. I don’t want to lead him on either, but I like the comfy feeling I get at the end of each date and how elated I feel and hopeful for the future and I always sleep well after these dates…or is that just the kissing? I am always on cloud 9 the next day after a date with him We are both busy this weekend and the next and in a way that is good to give me time to reflect and not rush into things. This stuff is HARD for me. Any perspective that you can offer would be helpful. And of course, I’ll be chatting with my therapist about this.

    1. Dating help needed anon*

      Just wanted to add, that until I met him, I didn’t realize I wanted a husband and babies (had a husband nearly a decade ago and it was a terrible short marriage) and now I am clear that I want both of those things and are scared I may not get them.

      1. valentine*

        He seems contrary: makes out with you, but is too shy or timid to compliment your shoes. He asked you out, but won’t ask you questions or talk about you unless you bring it up. When given a chance, instead of finding out more about you, he tells you more about himself. Does he at least seem to expect you to share the same, like childhood memory for childhood memory?

        You seem to place the ball in his court. It would be weird, especially if you met at work, if he didn’t support your career. In most couples, all spouses work by necessity. People who surprise you with, “Well, now we’re together/married, you need to dress more (longer skirts, higher necklines) and go out less” were always luring you into lockdown. It’s like you think he has the compass, instead of you each have your own path and you’re seeing they’ll happily converge, but nothing and no one is taking you off your course. Why does he have to do all the asking for dates and lead the planning? Why isn’t that shared?

        You’re happy he’s taking things slowly, but exclusive on date three and texting all day would be rushing or impossible for some, and you seem to want some things set in stone now. (And, even if you text all day with other people, I’m wary of you doing it at work with a coworker.) If you have an all-or-nothing sense, set that aside. Just focus on whether you want to go out again, and then again.

    2. Lehigh*

      I do remember how emotionally-fraught everything can seem during the dating phase, especially early on, but it’s been a really long time since I’ve been there myself so take this for what it’s worth.

      It sounds to me like you have incredibly specific standards. Is it such a big deal that you have slightly different communication styles? Of course you can decide that anything you choose is a big deal, but from the outside…It feels like you’re giving a lot of almost moral weight to whether someone prefers a question- or statement-driven conversation style, or how often he likes to text.

      It sounds like this guy is really open to hearing your needs and preferences and amending his style to you. Are you open to doing the same for him? It’s fine to be picky, and before you get emotionally invested is definitely the right time to weigh your needs, but ultimately a long term relationship has to be a two-way street. You both have to be willing to bend to work with the other person. Are you?

    3. fposte*

      I’d say “Try thinking about it less,” because it really would be helpful, but I know brains don’t work that way :-). I will say that you don’t have to know if you could last fifty years with him after the third date! I’d avoid thinking in terms of a “match” at this point–think in terms of “Am I enjoying his company? Was this a good time?”

      In a sense, serious dating with long-term intentions is like house-buying: “I love the cross-room light, but I was thinking of a much bigger backyard.” But it turns out that much as you’d enjoy a bigger backyard, the houses with larger backyards are all pokey claptrap instamansions, and having a light-filled day brings you joy and makes you long-term happy. There’s no perfect house and there’s no perfect mate, so it’s a question of what mismatches you can live with and which ones you can’t. It also sounds to me that you, like me, prefer somebody with patience and restraint; sometimes that’s a package with being underwhelmed in some areas, but that can still be preferable to being overwhelmed in others.

      There are a couple of readings you might look into and raise in therapy if you find them interesting. Attachment theory is the first, which talks about the different ways people attach; there’s good web reading on that. The other is the work of John Gottman, who is The Guy when it comes to marital/relationship theory and has several books easily accessible to lay readers. What I like about Why Marriages Succeed or Fail is that it demonstrates the *different* ways successful relationships can operate rather than insisting everybody has to fit an emotional template.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreeing. I believe that “I don’t know” means, “not yet, or not at all” but we can’t tell which of those is the answer. I also believe that “I don’t know” is a perfectly acceptable answer.

        Asking opinions of trusted people is a good practice for many things from picking out an SO to buying a house and so much more.

        One thing I hope you can do is slow down a bit. I sense a lot of rushing here or perhaps panic. Figure out ways to slow down- I mean inside your mind/heart. You know walking is good for the mind and body. You can take walks by yourself or you can mix it up and go for walks with him sometime. I read somewhere that walking together is really good for marriages, too. I think it is because it changes our surroundings and we get away from our personal distractions.

      2. Double A*

        Yeah, I really like how Dan Savage talks about how there is no The One, but there are plenty of .67s, and you just round up.

        I apologize, but I didn’t read the whole post. I think the fact that he is open to “feedback” on the 3rd date about communication styles bodes well for him being kind about your anxiety. Because that is, in many situations, A Lot for a third date, but someone who rolls with it is a good candidate for being a good match for you! You want someone who is compatible with your Lot.

        When I met my husband, we were both A Lot and we were into each other’s Lots, and fast because we were just…really into each other. And liked and respected each other.

        I agree with other comments about not trying to change him. If unprompted compliments are something you NEED, then see how he does respond to that request, but if that’s just not how he communicates respect and love, can you learn to accept the ways he does communicate those things? Because fundamentally it’s the respect that’s the important part…and plenty of guys can give compliments while also having no respect for you.

        Basically, make sure you like him as he is, because if you’re constantly hoping he’ll change in little ways, you’ll be unhappy. But to figure this out, more dates with less pressure on them are in order!

    4. WellRed*

      Overall things sound wonderful. One question I have is, if you think you are so great (and I’m sure you are) why are you placing so much priority on receiving compliments and praise? Why is that so important to you?

      1. MistOrMister*

        I don’t really understand this either. I don’t find that most people tend to give a lot of compliments. I’m wondering how often OP wants to be complimented. Personally, I would have trouble dealing with someone who needed at least one (and possibly multiple…?) compliments every time we saw each other. I REALLY like being at home with my cats, so if I am regularly taking time to see someone, that is your compliment!! Clearly I think you’re awesome or else I would stay home for cuddles, but I don’t want to have to constantly articulate that and it would irk me to feel forced to have to do it. That, plus a sort of overall feel of, I prefer things X way so I told the guy but he hasn’t fixed it yet were a little concerning to me. We all have our preferences, but there seems to be no attempt to look for compromises they are both happy with, which would make for a healthier relationship dynamic.

        OP, since you have a therapist, perhaps you can discuss working with a partner on these types of things. Certainly we all have preferences and sometimes it’s fair to say, I really need youto do this thing so I can be happy/secure, but I think generally you’d be offering something in return (i.e. I need X compliments a day but I’ll go to those stupid kung fu movies you like without conplaint in return, or whatever). You note that the guy likely just has a different communication style than you, but you seem to want to change it instead of working with him for a solution. It seems like you are more leaning towards wanting to set the rules, which is not quite fair and doesn’t allow the guy to be himself – which is generally not,sustainable,and may cause resentment on his part. I don’t say any of this to dump on you – it seems like this behavior is coming from a place of anxiety which can make us behave irrationally. But it does seem like something to be mindful of and see if you can get a handle on so you can both be yourselves and be happy together.

    5. Cartographical*

      As has been said, there’s no perfect partner. I think things like you jumping to “we’re not compatible!” when you felt he didn’t take your concerns seriously are the real issue I’d focus on here. Do you know how to say “hey, I feel like I need more support about that thing” or even how to shrug it off if it’s a one time thing? Can you reframe things like that as “maybe it reminded him of a work issue of his own that took his attention away for a moment, I’ll try again” or can you open with “this sucked and I need you to be my Team Me cheering squad while I talk about it”? If you can get that stuff down, then, if he’s serious about his relationship with you, he’ll adapt. It sounds like he’s already trying to meet you where you are.

      Regarding the compliments, my partner and I have been together 30 years and he’s not a great compliment-giver. He is great at showing up when I need him, though. Words aren’t how some people show value. Guys like Jeff are, in my experience, much more desirable than a guy who tells you nice stuff — because he DOES nice stuff. He tells you you’re great because he knows your favourite candy, or he remembers the last time you wore those cool shoes. You are worth that space in his head, that time in his day. Being good to you can become part of who he is because it’s how he acts, second-nature, and that makes things last.

      Anyone can learn what compliments touch on our insecurities, those are actually pretty generic — like a cold read from a grifter, it can seem like they know us when they just know people in general. But Jeff does nice things to try to meet your specific needs. He changes when you say you need it, or he’s trying. That’s work. He’s not a great texter but he checks in with you twice a day with a little something nice, because it’s meaningful — and it’s not so frequent as to be intrusive.

      At the end of the day, for me, it’s less about “are we compatible” and more about “is this guy going to put in the work with me to make US compatible”. If the answer is yes, then it’s worth the investment.

    6. Everdene*

      It sounds to me like you really like this guy but have the fear! I think it’s natural that given previous relationships have left you with trust issues that your protective brain is on high alert. FWIW, You will never meet someone who is instantly 100% of what you want/need, but someone who tries is important. In the early days Oak would go 2-3 days without calling me. I mentioned it one time and he was confused “but we already aranged to meet on Tuesday after work. Why would I need to call before then?” He realised that speaking everyday was important to me and started calling everyday at lunchtime, even if we spoke for literally a minute. It’s over a decade later and every weekday he calls at lunchtime and, if we’re apart, every evening too. Like your guy, he’s not great at compliments, I’ve pressed him on this, apparently I look good in everything I wear so it would be a redundant comment…sigh! We have lots of things in common and lots of things we like/do individually, I think most happy relationships are the same. Give it a go and keep going until it doesn’t work for you anymore. (And you may be awesome but there might just be things about you that niggle or aren’t perfect to him too. Maybe. Doesn’t mean it’s doomed to fail)

    7. Dating help needed anon*

      A million thanks to you wonderful amazing commenters. I so so appreciate your perspectives, since, as you can see, I am all over the place, super anxious and I definitely have “the fear”. I was scared someone was going to write that I must absolutely break up with Jeff…I am glad that was a misguided assumption. I do check in with friends when I am fretting and to my very own surprise, my mom, who has been giving advice similar to yours, though also “oh boy, no good men out there, better try to hold on to this one” lol. She means well…Thanks to all of you for sort of, straightening me out. As far as the compliments and praise, well, the stuff related to my advanced grad degree is almost like an expectation, since my friends, who have known me for years, have abundantly praised and supported me. Coworkers do it too…but well, not all coworkers mean it genuinely and many just keep asking “oh you’re so smart, are you going to quit your job now?” smh. I didn’t think of the fact that Jeff, having general restraint and patience, may have it across the board, it’s an excellent point. I like all the positives you all highlighted. I appreciate being reminded to slow down my heart and mind..after the second date I started googling engagement rings (I know! facepalm, but I never had any desire for that for years after my divorce, until I met him). It’s another thing to keep working on in therapy. The book suggestions are great too. Thanks for highlighting his willingness to put in work already, that’s probably part of why I continue to be drawn to him and want to go on more dates, despite the doubts and fear and anxiety. I honestly thought that by date 3 or 4 I should know ALL about compatibility and stuff, again, a misconception. I’ll be rereading your advice in the days to come, you can be sure of that, it’s all so valuable. And, warning, lol, I may post here again in a few weeks…you’re all so great and insightful. Thank you so very much again.

      1. anon of the past, present, and future*

        To be honest, needing and expecting compliments on a grad degree is a little weird. Many people have grad degrees. It’s nothing special that deserves a flow of comments and the expectation that someone is going to single you out for having a grad degree and non-stop praise you for it is concerning, especially if you’ve already graduated.

    8. Clarissa*

      I think if you can’t accept a man the way he is, that the relationship won’t work. You want more compliments, more support for work related issue, more texting, more questions about yourself, (most people don’t ask a lot of questions about other people,) and more of a lot of things.
      He may do those things for a while but later he will revert back to his real self.
      Try letting things be and stop trying to change things and control things.

    9. RagingADHD*

      From the perspective of having dated till age 32 and now married for 16 years, I’d say you need to just generally breathe and also give this relationship some breathing space.

      You are trying to base your relationship right now on whether or not it’s going to work out long-term in the future. That’s impossible, and if you keep up that kind of pressure you will kill it.

      You can’t know yet if this is long term. You aren’t supposed to.

      You like him. You’re having a great time. He’s nice to you. That is good. Enjoy it. You will find out what’s going to happen when it happens.

      I also think you are nitpicking him and yourself really badly – but especially him.

      Being compatable or being a good partner doesn’t mean that someone reads your mind, does everything exactly the same way you do, or does everything you want when you want it. That isn’t a real person, that’s a puppet.

      A good partner is respectful and considerate, shows caring and kindness towards you, and is a safe person. But they are a different person from you.

      You seem like you really, really need a lot of verbal affirmation in the form of questions and compliments. He seems to equate respect with giving space.

      When a person feels secure and well-cared for, the exact way that caring is expressed becomes less important. And as people get used to each other, they get more comfortable giving and receiving affection in each other’s different styles.

      Give it some time. Don’t try to read deep significance into every little thing. The overall trend is really good, just let it be good and stop looking for things to criticize or correct him about.

      Tell him what you like. Thank him when he does stuff that really makes you feel good. If he likes you, he will automatically do those things more.

      Obviously if he does anything really hurtful of inconsiderate, speak up. But you don’t have to hash out every single thing that is less than marvelous and make him account for his failure to be perfect. No healthy person will stick around for that, and anyone who does is going to create a very toxic dynamic with you.

      Things are going well. Relax and have fun.

    10. LGC*

      Glad you’re feeling a bit more reassured – your initial post did have a lot of panic come through in it. But…it really does seem like you just found a good guy with a few non-deal-breaking flaws (like basically everyone out there).

      So, to add on one more thing: you didn’t go into your issues, but it read to me like whenever something happened that showed you and Jeff to not be 100% compatible, you…kind of panicked and thought that means things are Doomed. I’m just a judgy guy on the Internets who has to overanalyze everything, but I think that’s definitely something to lean into in therapy sessions – why do you feel like that? (I’m not a licensed therapist, but I think that a large part of it might have to deal with your marriage ten years ago – it sounds like you were relatively young when you got married, and the marriage was tumultuous.)

    11. Courageous cat*

      I think you’re overthinking things, and maybe your need for praise is a bit much too, especially this early on. It’s been what, a month? You gotta let go a little bit, and just try to enjoy this phase for what it is: deciding whether or not you want to keep going. You don’t have to know right away. Just figure it out over time.

      1. Jdc*

        Ya. Also exclusive after three dates is fast, not taking things slow. Expecting him to have some big convo about a work problem on a second date is also too fast. He’s there to get to know you not have you unload on him.

        I see zero red flags in his part but honestly you won’t sound ready for a relationship.

        He said to take it slow and you’re already thinking babies three dates in. That’s a lot!

      1. OneWomansOpinion*

        Why comment at all? Keep scrolling and ignore it if you have nothing kind of useful to say.

    13. Dating help needed anon*

      I wasn’t able to comment later yesterday, and wanted once again to thank everyone for their warmth, compassion, insight and no nonsense advice. It’s much much appreciated, you helped pinpoint things about myself that I didn’t quite clue into either. It helped me simmer down and look at things from a different angle. I will post another thank you note next weekend, in case some of the good people here don’t see this note, as it’s Monday.

  21. Mouserat*

    I posted about this yesterday but its worth asking again today before giving up: I have been searching for a past letter. The LWs spouse worked for the family’s dysfunctional business and wasnt being paid on time. The LW was pregnant and worried about spouse not being paid. Was this posted here, or another advice column? Or was this all a fever dream?

    1. Anon PhD*

      Sorry, don’t recall, but I did want to comment that your nickname is awesome, it just dawned on me that it’s from Parks and Rec :)

    2. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      I don’t know where it is, but it was definitely real and definitely here! Hope someone else remembers enough details to find it.

      1. Mouserat*

        Oh my gosh I hope so! I’m kind of a search terms ninja and I have spent too many hours plugging in search terms looking for this.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Hmm. I have access to a different site search than you do (mine can search just the posts, rather than posts and comments combined). I searched for “family business pregnant” and didn’t find a letter like that. Any chance it was an open thread? If so, that would be missed by the search I did.

      1. Mouserat*

        It’s entirely possible! It’s also possible it was in another advice column (I am kind of a junkie!)

  22. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    My hubs & I are considering taking a cruise. We are thinking that it would be a good idea to start with a short 3 day cruise, but haven’t completely decided yet.
    Those of you that have cruised, any words of wisdom? What do you wish that you had known BEFORE taking the cruise?
    How much money should we be plan on needing (not counting the cruise fees)?
    Thanks!

    1. Millennial Lizard Person*

      You go on a cruise to go on the boat, not for the shore excursions. Make sure you’ll be able to have a good time if you can’t dock at the planned ports.

    2. carrie heffernan*

      I did a week long cruise TEN years ago (what even) with my BFF. We were on a tight budget at the time so we didn’t buy the alcohol package but if you enjoy drinks and can afford it, I would recommend it. Also, since we did have limited funds, we only did one excursion (parasailing) and then kind of did our thing – like in San Juan we walked around some free museum. So I would say bring a few hundred dollars at least (make sure you have plenty of cash to tip. We had such a great time I don’t really have many things I wish I knew ahead of time (except the cash having bit I already mentioned).

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Take comfy pants with you. All that food can make you bigger.
      My Carnival Cruise ship said their record breaker years ago was a guy who put on 21 pounds in ONE WEEK. You don’t have to believe it to know constant, unlimited food can cause a wardrobe problem!
      Also, know what the tipping policy is. Hopefully, you won’t be tipping constantly.
      Have fun!

    4. Colette*

      Many cruises include food but not drinks (alcohol,or soft drinks). There may be a separate restaurant on board that you have to pay extra for, but the included food is usually very good. Try the sit down restaurant, even if you think you’d prefer the buffet.

      You pay for excursions and tips (usually as a lump sum at the end of the cruise). And of course anything you buy.

      Every day a newsletter appears at your cabin – that’s where you find out what there is to do that day, as well as what time you dock and when you have to be back on board.

      Cabins near the middle of the ship are better – there’s a lot of walking involved and being in the middle is an advantage.

    5. CAA*

      Decide what ambience you’re looking for. Any short cruise is going to attract a more party oriented and younger crowd than a longer cruise, but there are variations among the mass-market lines. Roughly in order from most party oriented to most staid, I would list them as Carnival, Norwegian, Royal Caribbean, Disney, Princess, Holland America, Celebrity. (I know some people might disagree with some of that ordering, it’s just my opinion.) If you’re in Europe, then you might also look at P&O, Costa, MSC.

      If you don’t want to be around children, pick a time when most are in school. Disney actually does a great job of making cruises enjoyable for adults because they provide such excellent children’s programming and facilities in separate areas. One-way trips also tend to have fewer children aboard.

      If you live in or near a port city, sign up for the last-minute deals emails from any line you’re interested in. Last year we got a last minute cruise from L.A. to Vancouver that was cheaper than the airfare for the same trip would have been.

      It’s really best to have a passport, even though you can technically cruise round-trip from a U.S. port with only a birth certificate and photo ID. There are just fewer possible things that can go wrong with your boarding docs if you have a passport, and it’s also the only way to fly home from a foreign port in case of emergency.

      Check your credit cards for travel insurance and make sure to pay for your booking with the one that offers the best coverage. For a short trip like you’re describing, we usually do not buy additional insurance and just accept the possibility that we could lose money if we had to cancel at the last minute.

      Read the cruiseline’s FAQs to know how much they’re going to charge you for tips. They’ll add that to your bill at the end of the cruise. Also figure out how much you’re likely to drink. DH and I are light drinkers so we’d never buy the prepaid drinks plan. Even if we each had one cocktail and one glass of wine every day, that would be about $25/each/day and we’d still come out way ahead by just paying at the end.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I would recommend the Cruise Critic website for tips, advice and reviews. Different cruise lines suit different people, and I echo the advice that unless you are a heavy drinker (or it’s included in the price) don’t bother with a drinks package unless you are sure you can make it pay for itself.

        1. Bluebell*

          +1 on the CC website – it was super helpful for the one (and only) cruise that I went on with spouse many years ago. We did 5 days to the Caribbean on Celebrity. The pool was a lot smaller than we had expected, and I hadn’t expected so much competition for the lounge seats! We paid for one nice shore excursion, and just walked around in Key West. Didn’t buy the booze package. It was a fine experience, but I don’t need to do it again.

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        We got the shore excursion packages off a website specializing in them (I don’t have it, but search? I’m on the phone). The cruise line marked them up more.
        Our first was a bargain “shakedown” 3 day practice for a ship shifting from one coast to another, super cheap but not as much fun. The big one was our Holland America one through the inside passage. Longer let me unwind and we did a lot of fun shore trips.

        1. Fikly*

          But be aware that if you go on a excursion not affiliated with the cruise, and it runs late, the cruise will leave without you. If a cruise excursion runs late, they will hold the cruise.

    6. Everdene*

      I’ve done 3 cruises now, 2 on Royal Caribbean and 1 on Celebrity, I’d recommend both lines. (In my opinion celebrity was slightly fancier but not tonnes of difference) Unless you plan on drinking *lots* don’t bother with a drinks package. The exception would be, for me, travelling with a group, then it would probably be easier.

      Unlike Millenial Lizard Person the ports matter to me and I try for minimal sea days. Somewhere like the Norwegian Fjords is great for cruises as it’s easier to see the places travelling by water rather than road. However, don’t feel pressured to do a shore excursion everyday. Research how far you dock from what you want to see and choose excursions only when you can’t do it yourself easily.

      My tip on food is have something fruit/veg/salad based at every meal. Don’t eat until you burst, there is always more available. And the speciality restaurants I’ve been too were amazing. Definitely worth the surcharge.

    7. Extra anonymous today.*

      I did a river cruise in Bordeaux and that was AMAZING. Very little extra money unless you are a drinker, and shore excursions were mostly included. Rivers are very calm so no worries about seasickness.

      1. I'm just here for the comments*

        Keep extra cash for tips for the staff (especially the housekeeping staff), and get a cabin with (at the very least) a window. Friends of ours did an inside cabin without a window (because it was cheaper) but they had no natural light and consistently slept-in extremely late because their circadian rhythms were thrown off.

    8. periwinkle*

      Three days is barely enough time to learn your way around the ship! You’ll also likely get a different experience on a 3-day cruise than you would on a 7-day one.

      I’ve become thoroughly hooked on cruising, much to my surprise, since I’m a solo traveler who’s also a quiet introvert. And… I sail on Norwegian, which tends to be on the more lively side. On paper it’s not a great fit but in practice, yeah baby. It’s a very solo-friendly cruise line. In my cranky introverted way, I love that there are tons of people and tons of activities – they’re available if I’m feeling it and can be readily ignored if I’m not.

      Some say pick your cruise on the ship and others say pick your itinerary and then figure out which ship to take. Cruise lines sometimes have to skip ports, mainly for weather-related reasons, so I agree with the first camp. There will be days when the ship stays at sea, so make sure it’s a place with activities which suit you.

      Along with Cruise Critic (which can be a really toxic place, so take the comments there with a grain of salt), I relied heavily on YouTube reviews. Good grief are there ever a lot of cruise-related videos out there! If you want to see a specific ship, search for ship tours and reviews. Want to know what a balcony cabin looks like on a certain ship? There’s a video (or a bunch). General advice? Oh yeah.Videos on “what I wish I knew before my first cruise”? Just search that phrase and stand back as the results flood in.

  23. Aurion*

    Elder care, y’all. *sighs* I need some tips on how to deescalate tantrums for seniors, with the caveat I have to do this mostly on my own. (I live with them.)

    My parents are in their 60s, so early “senior” years. Both are getting very forgetful, and their flaws are getting magnified in older age. My father comes from a long line of “stiff upper lip” folks – great at Men’s Work like fixing stuff around the house, terrible at being comforting, emotional talks, or any of that stuff. My mother is highly emotive and passive aggressive. My father will not tell you anything is wrong (even if it is) unless it’s dire; my mother will tell you about every little ache and nightmare and want attention and comfort and attempts to make her feel better. This is the cause of a lot of friction in their (not that great) marriage.

    Yesterday’s situation: since my parents just came back from a trip, when asked if they want to do anything for Lunar New Year (we’re Asian), my mom mumbled something about how they’re all tired, and me/my sib/sib’s partner are all at work, we probably won’t do anything. Sib/sib’s partner went to sib’s side of the family for a LNY eve’s dinner, and my mother is pissed because tradition requires they All Come Home for dinner. I point out that she said we probably won’t do anything, she doesn’t remember this conversation and continues being angry, saying that we’re all grown up and we should organize the holidays from now on. I say obviously wires got crossed and give me a list of holidays she finds important, and she tells me angrily “you’re not married, this is on your sib, stop shielding them”. I ask her for expectations on how she wants these things done, she snaps “from now on, I have no opinion, ask your father” and storms away (she never actually “has no opinion”, FYI). This is the distilled version; the actual tantrum was much more drawn out over the entire evening.

    At the heart of it, I know it’s that she wants validation and attention and the feeling like someone other than her is Trying (especially my dad). But her temper is not making any of this easier (as in, when she’s in a snit she’ll lash out about everything from “why didn’t you read my text from 20 minutes ago” and “why are you cooking vegetables”). Dad is not going to get more consoling and relationship-oriented any time soon, my sib is mostly absent and I can’t change that, and my approach of “you need to calm down” is…not working so great.

    Validating her emotions is hard when I think she’s being patently irrational and ridiculous on the logistics side and when she forgets what she said, and the targets are either myself or my dad (ie I can’t pick sides). I admit my emotional consoling skills are very subpar. (I mean, if in an argument someone points out the ways I contradicted myself I will probably remain angry and sulk, but I wouldn’t yell and pick at every perceived flaw further and I’d blow over my sulk in a few hours.) I’d wait for it to blow over except she…stews, and whilst she’s stewing any perceived flaw is up for attack, which often leads to more fights about nothing in particular that wasn’t even tangential to the original fight. And I have work and a life, so it’s not like I can be there to referee their emotions all the time.

    Outside care is out of the question. Mostly I just want some tactics on how to manage elderly tantrums in the moment, if that’s possible.

    1. fposte*

      Two things come to mind when I read this. First, that this was mostly about your sibling, so I don’t think you needed to manage that one. Let her be upset at your sibling. Second, that validating her emotions may be hard, but I think it’s likely your best path. Right now it sounds like you’re still thinking about the logistics–what if you let them go in the conversation? “I’m sorry, Mom; it’s no fun to be disappointed. I know you miss Sibling and wish you could see them more.” While she doesn’t sound like somebody who will then melt into a puddle and sob “It’s so wonderful to be understood,” that’s both a helpful phrase and an exit line.

      I lied–three things come to mind, and the third is that this sounds like the kind of conversation Deborah Tannen focused on in “You Just Don’t Understand Me.” You’re conversing to fix the situation, and she’s conversing to share her emotions. (Though I think pointing out the ways somebody contradicted themselves is a feather-ruffling move in any situation, so I’d stay away from that.) So try not going for the logistics or trying to fix things unless she asks. “Geez, Mom, that’s upsetting–can I make you a cup of tea?” may get you a lot farther.

      1. Aurion*

        I am definitely a fixer, yeah.

        She’s been low key upset all week (when she stews, she does it for days or weeks, which is why the “wait for it to blow over” advice is so hard since she picks fights when she stews) because dad isn’t being caring/warm/looking after her (she had a surgery two months ago). I agree that my dad is very deficient in making one feel safe and comforted and I try to make up for it where I can, but I’m not the one she wants it from, and I can really only manage the logistics part in place of other people which… Is not what she values, sigh.

        Dad’s not gonna change either, but he’s a) not expecting care from others and b) is equally terrible at being comforting to everyone, so mom is not singled out. It just affects her more.

        I’ll check out that book!

        1. Aurion*

          That is to say, she’s been upset in general (and upset at dad) all week, sibling was just the spark that lit the fire (and given the misunderstanding I don’t think sib was really in the wrong either).

        2. fposte*

          It’s nominally about conversational difference between men and women, but I’m female and map more onto the male version there, as do plenty of women. And as long as I’m talking about Gottman upthread, you might find The Relationship Cure interesting–it’s definitely not just focused on marriage and talks a lot about how hard it can be to tell what somebody really wants from you.

          1. Aurion*

            What I find the most frustrating is that my mother is naturally a very combative person. She’ll go to the ends of the world for you, but she expects that in return, and when she is in a mood if you’re not with her, you’re against her. I am not normally very patient with people I deem irrational, so she pushes my buttons pretty hard too, I just have a longstanding principle to never yell at people or insult them when I’m angry. She sadly does not return this civility, which makes it very hard for me to remember to validate her feelings rather than tell her she’s being ridiculous. I’ll try harder on that front.

            She insists her temper has gotten better with age (she’s been like this all my life), I think her temper has not improved one iota. She genuinely does not understand why I don’t take workplace advice (which usually comes down to ‘fire back shots at your boss in the most adversarial way possible”) from her…

    2. Monsooned Malabar*

      My boyfriend just came Home from a course in nonviolent communication, maybe you could read up on this and try it out on your parents :-)

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      This kinda sounds horrible, but you might want to read some about how to handle toddler tantrums. Just because you’re 60 doesn’t mean you’re not going to act like you’re 6, and honestly, if you’re acting like you’re 6 I’m treating you like you’re 6. Some of the techniques of handling this kind of behavior in kids is going to be perfect (not the ignore them while they scream and bang their heads on the wall hopefully!).

      As for your mom in this instance, it sounds like she just needed to be upset and to hear that yes, she’s upset. You can’t fix her emotions and trying is probably going to make it worse.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am 59. Just my opinion but they are too young to be acting this way. But this happens, so there’s that.

      You mom sounds like she acting like a wife who privately feels her husband does not take care of her. Once you see this once, you will start noticing this in more women around you. Likewise, you can notice husbands who feel their wives do not take care of them, but that is less common.This is good to keep in mind because you then you know that you can’t fix this.

      It’s also good to know that as a daughter you maybe too close to them to be effective help. Strangers might have more say, more push.
      Understand that as long as you live there bringing in outside help is going to be impossible. You are there, so why would they do that? This will be their logic. And they will work very hard at making you as miserable as possible.

      Your mom is very angry perhaps depressed or there maybe other things going on with her. A good doc and a full physical would be a good starting point. Ideally, go with her and explain about the yelling and arguing for hours on end. Yeah, big bold move on your part, but your other choice is just live with it. I am not a fan of choice number 2.

      Bottom line: Whatever plan you come up with will be thwarted with in a short time. So you will have to get another new plan. For me, I would start telling mom she needs a check up to figure out why she is always upset. And I would tell dad that the two of them have to take care of each other. Then I would expect nothing to change. But, hey, at least I tried.

      1. Aurion*

        You’ve hit the nail on the head, and I’ve had those big picture conversations with them many many times, but neither of them changed, so I need to work with in the moment tactics rather than strategy, unless and until something drastically changes in the current situation.

        Her bill of health is, as far as I know, pretty clean. As far as she’s concerned, it’s everyone else that’s the problem. I have no qualms admitting my father’s shortcomings when it comes to taking care of someone, but on some level they (and we) are very mismatched in the amount of care and attention we need from others and neither parent is willing to do much compromising.

        She’s a peach to outsiders, so it really is a matter of her family members failing her expectations, I think.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, my mother was miserable to live with but wonderful to others.
          It’s a facade. And facades crumble.

          Her facade crumbled a lot faster after I left. Then everyone saw who she really had been all along.

          You may have to get out of the way so others can get in to this situation. I did.

          It’s not up to you to make your parent’s marriage to each other work for them.

        2. Fikly*

          I heard something a while back that really struck me.

          If you run into one jerk in your day, they are probably a jerk. If everyone you run into in your day is a jerk, the jerk is probably you.

    5. Anon PhD*

      Hi, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I have a slightly different take on this, based on own past experience with my parents. Is moving out an option for you? If so, that may help you and the realtionship with them. I had SO MANY fraught squabbles with my parents when I lived with them, and moving out fixed a lot of it. No amount of communication tips recommended by my then-therapist helped, moving out was the solution (the therapist recommended that as well and it was time for me to move out too). Working on establishing healthy boundaries was the next step. I even had a fraught relationship with them when I visited them every week. Biweekly visits, then, every three weeks helped. Ppl in their 60s are not elderly, far from it and you’re not mentioning any health issues. My folks have more stamina than me sometimes. Best of luck with this, hugs.

    6. Cartographical*

      A tantrum is just a tantrum if you don’t engage. If you engage, it’s an argument, and an argument is an engine that drives itself. Your mom isn’t going to stop throwing tantrums and sulking so I absolutely think that getting out of “fix it” mode in the moment and in the long term is probably your best bet.

      I’m experienced with toddlers and with adults with cognitive or mental health issues and sometimes the best thing you can do is work on you in terms of managing your disengagement, not their behaviour. The response to “Mom, you said we weren’t doing anything.” vs “I’m sorry you’re disappointed, what would you like to do about it?” can seem minimally different in the short term but it makes a big difference in the long run. Sometimes, what they want to do about it is yell. “Okay, I’m going to get some work done while you do that.” You get the relief of not having to fix it and sometimes the behaviour is extinguished over time as it gets little reward. Whatever you do, getting out of the cycle is going to reduce your burnout.

      You may have to bite the bullet and take her to see a professional about the memory issues. If there’s anyone in her sphere you can call in for backup on this — maybe you can leverage your sibling for a one-off intervention — it might help to provide positive pressure. There are some things, including health care, that aren’t optional no matter how big the tantrum. Aside from the books suggested above, you may want to see if there are any seniors’ supports in your area, especially those offered through a Chinese cultural/community center (we have one here that has language classes and a seniors’ group) to help take the pressure off you and give her contact with her peers who are also going through the aging process. I expect both your parents could use some commiseration with people their own age — that’s something you never grow out of.

    7. Age is not the issue here*

      While everyone ages differently, unless your family has a history of early onset dementia, this is not age, this is just who your parents are. My hubs and I are in our 60s, for reference. It’s not unusual for people to expect others to read their minds and be angry when you don’t. It sounds like your mom is like this. (Mine was too.) While patience is important, so is nailing things down. Her “we probably won’t do anything” was probably meant as “plan something for me so I don’t have to.” So listen closely for hints and ask questions. Once I figured this out “We probably won’t do anything” would have prompted me to say really? Are you OK with that? It’s an important holiday and if we don’t do something you’ll be sad. What is it you would like to do? After a long string of deflection and more questions we’d finally figure out the happy middle between what she wznted and what we were willing to do.

      You know your folks, and if they really are failing, check to see if there are elder services available in your area.

    8. RagingADHD*

      My mom was very emotive and emotionally needy (and pretty darn passive aggressive). My dad is a devoted & reliable husband in the traditional “provider and protector” style, but a terrible communicator and not very emotionally expresive in the ways my mom needed.

      The best thing that ever happened to me was the day I realized that their marriage problems predated me, would outlast me, were quite beyond my power to fix, and were NOT my responsibility.

      As long as my relationship with my mom was centered around making up for my dad’s shortcomings, it was very frustrating for both of us. I had to deliberately take a stance that our relationship was just about the way I treated her, and the way she treated me. That made it a lot better.

      (After Mom passed and I read her journals, I also found out that a lot of their conflict was based in things that were way, way, outside of my wheelhouse, like their sex life. And that my dad was not nearly as insensitive as she made it seem – the communication breakdown was equally her doing) There is no way a kid can compensate for marriage problems. It’s just far too complicated.

      Listen. Nod. Give some sympathy, but let her be upset and don’t try to fix it. It’s hard to break the pattern, but you’ll both be happier.

      1. Aurion*

        Thank you – I think on some level I knew this, but I’m still compelled to try.

        How would/should I deflect when she starts on my father/sibling’s shortcomings when I don’t think they’re justified? I know I’m too close to this. If she were complaining at length about her sister or whatever I can smile and nod, but it’s hard for me to take her side when the target is someone close to me. That’s what I struggle with the most, I think.

        1. Owler*

          Acknowledge how she feels, give her a plan to deal with it herself, and suggest a topic change. “I know that you’re hurting, Mom, but I can’t fix this for you. Please tell (Dad/sibling) and work this out with them.” And then change the topic.

    9. TimeTravelR*

      I have relatives like this. You can’t change them. Don’t try.
      But I am a little surprised that adults in their 60s need care. I mean, I know it happens, but it does seem pretty young still.

    10. No fan of Chaos*

      If they are having memory issues, put a gps tracker on all cars. Activate a phone ap that can locate everyone. I live in Reno and at least twice a week a senior is lost and often found deceased.

    11. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      60’s seems quite early for that – are they late 60’s? Possibly medical issues going on here.

  25. 30-something angst*

    I turned 35 not long ago. Single and childless. A source of embarrassment to my (Asian) family.

    It’s not that I wish I could go back to my 20s (not a particularly happy period of time, especially the first few years), but I wish I was that young just so I don’t have to deal with the constant pressure about starting a family.

    I really like my life the way it is now (always room for improvement, but immeasurably better than in my 20s). I really want to enjoy this kind of lifestyle for a while longer and don’t want to change it up drastically. I’m not even all that sure I want children, but at my age I know it’s not something I can just keep putting off thinking about.

    It’s not that I wish I had more time to make changes. Rather, I wish I had more time so I don’t have to change. I wish I was normal and wanted all those normal things that would fit in with societal expectations.

    1. nep*

      Societal expectations are the bane of most people’s existence.
      I hope you’ll be able to get past any distress over this so you can spend your precious time being true to yourself and loving your life.
      (Just to note, I’m not saying that as someone who’s got that nailed…I say it for myself as well.)
      Peace

    2. Anon Phd*

      Agree with nep. You must stay true to yourself and do what what makes you happy and continue to discover new things that make you happy. As for family pressure, look into assertiveness training and boundary setting. However much pressure your family will try to apply, as long as you keep them off you in a kind but firm manner, you’ll be fine. I had to do that A LOT with my parents and eventually we got to a happy place.
      And also, about being true to yourself..I don’t have it nailed either, but definitely working on it…trying to get better at it all the time.

    3. Ali G*

      How about just accepting who you are (which is completely normal!) and not changing? It’s your life! If YOU want to get married and have kids, that’s great. If you don’t, that’s great too.
      I know it’s easier said than done – I’ve been there – but the best thing you can do for yourself is accept where your life is now and decide what you want for your future, and work to make that happen.

    4. Dan*

      “I’m not even all that sure I want children, but at my age I know it’s not something I can just keep putting off thinking about.”

      I’m going to challenge this a little bit. (Not the actual feelings about having kids, but the “can’t put it off” part.) I’m a 40 year old dude who has always said that I don’t want kids in the next two years. That’s been true for 20 years, and I don’t see it changing. The way I figure things like this, by not having “decided” you in a way *have* actually decided.

      More broadly, life takes you where life takes you. It’s not always something you can plan. I got divorced 5 years ago (no kids) and at the time, I wasn’t sure if I’d get remarried and have kids. 5 years later, I don’t have a burning desire to get remarried *or* have kids. And for me, a side consideration is the costs of having kids. I grew up rather poor, although not quite in poverty. I knew from a young age I wanted kids only if I could afford them. I’m finally (as in the last year or so) at a point where the finances are truly in order and I can plan for things beyond the same-old-same-old. Except.. I like having the money to spend on myself to do the things I want, and I don’t see that changing either.

      Point being, if you’re actually happy with life, why change it? Being someone you aren’t in an effort to keep other people will just make *you* miserable.

      1. tangerineRose*

        “Being someone you aren’t in an effort to keep other people will just make *you* miserable.” This!

      2. OhCanary*

        The kid thing is different for women, though. Men can put it off forever and then decide at age 50 they’re ready. Women can’t, and that’s what the OP is referencing.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Deciding not to decide is a decision. Additionally, OP wishes she had more time so she doesn’t have to change. This is also a decision. Left to her own choosing, she would stand pat and not change. She likes her life.

          OP, I read somewhere that women of The Greatest Generation were among some of the most abusive mothers. The reason was because society expected women to get married and have children. Collectively many of these women did not want to and resented their roles that had been chosen for them. They slid downhill from there.

          I am not saying you would be an abusive parent. no-no-no. Bear with me.

          It’s in these extreme examples we can find what is really wrong with foisting social expectations on people. Unhappiness manifests in many ways and abuse is only one of the ways. Some people slide into depression, others get hugely sloppy with finances or make other irresponsible decisions. The list is endless.

          People without children (raises hand!) contribute in different ways to our society and we need both parents and non-parents to keep our society running. I’d say that there are many ways you can contribute to our world without being a parent. Because I am not chasing adult children and grandchildren around I have plenty of time to check on my elderly neighbor who was widowed last year. (She’s been a great friend to me, so this is not work in my mind.) Her family has told me they appreciate my efforts. Hey, I have the time to do this, it’s no effort on my part. There’s other things I do because I have the time to do them. And you will find the same thing, you are already saying you enjoy your life, so you are well underway here.

          I think the biggest thing you face here is waiting for your family to decide to quit pressing this point with you. Families fail us on a regular basis. They don’t cheer when they should, they don’t support when they should, they don’t let us cry when they should. Your validation for your choices will have to come from inside you and from your friends and other non-relatives around you. Your family does not have it in them to validate your choices. They may in a while, or never, it’s hard to know. I think in the long run you will find a couple supportive relatives here or there. But that could take time. Meanwhile, be YOU. Live as you see best. Our society needs people like you who are interested in doing different things.

    5. blackcat*

      My biggest advice is that if you’re not sure you want to have a child, don’t. Having a child changes your live immeasurably in the first few years, particularly if you carry the child yourself.

      There’s also more than one way to become a parent, and if parenting becomes really important to you 10 or even 15 years down the road, there are paths for you.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      You ARE normal.
      I hope you find a way to stop the pressure you’re receiving on a very private topic.
      I am childless by choice and I never regretted my decision. The other child-free women I know are all doing very well and none has ever expressed regret about being childless.
      A woman needs to decide for herself about kids. Whether women have children or not, I’d really like to see more acceptance and respect for women’s decisions on this topic.

    7. Lizzy, not borden*

      I married into an Asian family, had one child and it was a son. So I got it right, right? I had a son.
      No. Even if you had a kid or were back to your 20s, you cannot get it right!

      You are “normal”! Do what you want, stop letting them have rent free space in your head.

      My spouse gets all kids of crap from family – you have a wife, why are you loading the dishwasher, Americans follow laws, here we follow the family, one son married a woman from the “wrong” part of China,. . . etc. You cannot ever be normal from their standards.

      In your 20s you care what other people think, in your 40s you stop caring what other people think, in your 60s you realize no one was actually thinking about you!

      I know it is family and they are thinking about you so it is hard to let it go, but really, they are not thinking about you, they are thinking about themselves and what they want.

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      I feel as if the familial pressure never stops:
      Why isn’t your GPA higher?
      What college are you going to?
      When are you getting a job?
      When will you get a spouse?
      When will you buy a house?
      When will you have a child?
      When will you have a second child?
      Why don’t you raise your children this way?

      I’m amazed you escaped your 20s without that constant pressure. But I can tell you having one kid doesn’t make the pressure magically go away. I wish you the best.

    9. matcha123*

      I’m maybe a year older than you, living in an Asian country, but not Asian. I am also single-ish and have no desire for kids. However, even though I’m not Asian, I still feel the pressure from people around me. I can only imagine that it is ten times worse for local women.
      I get where your feelings are coming from…it is easier when you like and desire the things that those around you also like and desire. But, don’t give in and end up doing something just to make others happy. You only have one life to live.

  26. Amethyst*

    I posted a few months ago about my project from hell. (Converting an old dresser to a kitchen island. My dad accidentally sawed through his finger with his circular saw helping me with it.) I still don’t know if I want to finish it. I started patching things up after that traumatic day, but it’s been sitting in my house since. Anyone else have similar things happen with projects & cycling through “yes, finish the project–you’ve been through hell with it” & “no, toss it because it keeps reminding you of the trauma”? What did you end up doing? Did you dump it after all the money & time & labor you poured into it, or did you finish it?

    1. Iris*

      Objects exist to serve you, not the other way around! I don’t know what the right answer for you is, but I’d start by throwing the concept of “should” out the window and asking yourself what you want to get out of this. But I think it’s fine to have “emotionally uncomplicated furniture” as a priority her.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Tangentially, I need to thank you guys for the phrase “emotionally uncomplicated furniture.”
        It’s a good companion for a phrase I coined earlier this week: “emotional support food.”

    2. fposte*

      I’m finally giving up on a nearly finished quilt. I’ve been toting that thing around for *years*, but I’ve realized it’s not going to be very good when it’s done and I will neither want it nor want to give it to somebody. Is it at least out of the way so you can leave the question for a bit, or are you bumping into it all the time?

      1. Amethyst*

        It’s opposite my kitchen counter. I can’t hide it or put it somewhere else for a while. Right now it’s got the relevant tools for repairs & is serving as a kind of catch-all place for odds & ends, & my cats have found they like to sit inside the dresser & eye the rest of the room haughtily for a bit. :)

        1. fposte*

          Is that an untenable status quo, or could you live with it half-assed where it is, at least for a while? If you did decide to get rid of it, do you know what you’d do? (For me it would be figuring out its removal that would be the big block, so I’d make doing that its own task and then make a decision as to whether to do it right now or not.)

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Yeah, you’re allowed to dump it, if you want. You don’t have to keep something that has bad karma – period.
      Ask yourself: do you want this in your house when it’s finished? We have to start letting ourselves quit at some point. Maybe you’re at that point.
      Best of Luck

    4. LibbyG*

      I once abandoned a vintage sofa I was repairing and reupholstering. It was such a tiresome, miserable experience that I knew that, even if I finished, I wouldn’t feel good looking at it. Carted it to the curb; it was gone in an hour. Seeing it gone was the most pleasurable moment I had with than damned thing.

      I’m with those who say forget “should.” What do you want?

    5. Cartographical*

      Is it the working on it that’s hard or just having it there? If it’s the former, can you see if you can trade labour with another person and have them finish it in exchange for you helping them out with things? Personally, I HATE bailing on a project for trauma/upset reasons, though I’ll chuck project in a hot minute if I just don’t like it or I’m bored. I find losing out on the project as upsetting as the triggering event so I tend to fight it. Sometimes, I win; sometimes, I lose. Does your dad want you to get rid of it? If it’s going to bother him to see it, that would be a factor for me. If he’s a “hey, I cut off a finger to get that done!” kind of guy, I’d be more inclined to try to finish. I hope your dad’s healing well!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am a big fan of toss it because of the trauma.

      I have gotten rid of so many things with a negative vibe and it has changed my home for me so much. It’s also changed me to some degree too.

      If you save it because of all the money you put into it, then what happens next is you keep using it because of all the money you put into it. Meanwhile, as each day goes by you hate the thing more and more. This is way too much emotional labor. Somethings are just a loss. Write it off as, “I tried, but it’s a loss. I will have other attempts at things that will be a loss also. It’s better to just keep trying with new things.” Keep the willingness to try new things, ditch the dresser. That is my vote.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        +1. there is a financial thing called “sunk cost.” I apply to lots of things (relationships, projects). Just because you have already invested X amount (dollars, hours, emotional energy) into thing, does not change the value of thing. It’s worth only what it would be worth, on the market (or with fresh eyes), today. $10K for that project car? But it’s been rusting 20 years? That’s sunk cost if it is only worth $500 now to anyone else.
        You spent 25 years being besties with a lying sneak and you just found out? The relationship is not worth one minute more than it would be worth if you started it today – knowing what you know now.
        I consider it sort of a fresh look. Nope, nope. Just because you carted it home, just because you have some time into it, does not mean you have to finish it.
        On the other hand, the great freedom you will feel when partially-done project is gone and you have a fresh start? That is priceless.

    7. Anono-me*

      I think that you need to ask yourself if the reason that you haven’t moved forward with finishing the project is because you don’t want to. If you don’t want this dresser in your kitchen or home anymore, then it is perfectly fine to curbcycle it.

      If you still want a diy kitchen island, look on craigslist or freecycle for a beautiul buffet and add a nice counter top.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I have a large Rubbermaid bin full of Native American artefacts taking up about 5 square feet of floor space in my home office. They belonged to an elderly relative who I had a very fraught relationship with, and they are the last remnants (other than family photos) of dealing with the estate.

      Technically I don’t owe anyone an accounting. But I don’t want them. I can’t sell them because many of them were illegally collected on public land, and I don’t know which are which.

      I contacted the nearest tribal authority right after the person died, but they wanted photos before deciding whether to accept them.

      The circumstances and baggage of this person’s death, plus the stress of dealing with the estate, put me into a moderately depressed state for about a year, and took another year to get my life mostly back on track.

      Between my feelings that this is essentially stolen property, and my feelings about the person and that bad year, it’s like the bin is full of bees.

      And there’s no guarantee the tribe will want them- then what do I do with the damn things?

      And if they do want them, it’s a 5-hour road trip back to a place I never want to see again anyway. (Though I would have a peaceful conscience to keep me company).

      I really want my 5 square feet back. But not enough to get the photos done (yet).

      1. Pippa K*

        Well, it has to be done, but it doesn’t have to be done by you. It’s such a specific set of tasks with a clear goal – if you were my friend or neighbor, I’d gladly do this for you. We all have things we just can’t face dealing with, for one reason or another.

        Also – changing my Procrastinator Extraordinaire hat for my Academic hat: if the tribe doesn’t want the materials or have views on how you should dispose of them, you might contact a university that has scholars who work on Native American history and related topics. They might have a scholarly use for materials that don’t need to be repatriated, as it were, and even if they don’t want them, someone might give you advice on what could properly be done with them.

  27. Iris*

    My FIL is clearly a narcissist, but my husband doesn’t see it, and keeps operating on the assumption that his dad is going to behave like a normal person. Obviously this is a path straight to a world of pain. Help.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Meredith Miller on YouTube is great about living with narcissists and how they can screw with your sense of perception.
      But really, if your husband is ok with the status quo there’s not much that you can do.

    2. Amethyst*

      Out of the FOG. It’s a fantastic website/forum for people who have personality disordered persons in their lives. You can find a ton of actual help there. The website is outofthefog (dot) net.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Long term, he needs therapy. It’s not easy to accept that your parent is not a good one, may not actually care about you, may be abusive, etc. Plus, it’s very possible that he’s got a lot of trauma and abuse to process from his childhood. Narcissists can really do a lot of damage to a person, especially a child, without it being obvious.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      Five years after his parents’ death, my husband is finally starting to realize (and to get really angry about) what a jerk his dad was. (I am talking about Sly, for those of you who know me as the golddigger.)

      It can take a lot of time to see what’s obvious to everyone else. It can also take being in a place where you are safe from the narcissist, which, as long as he is alive, your husband is not safe.

      (Although Sly and Doris have the amazing ability to be pains in the neck from beyond the grave! Thank you, trust and estate! And yes, everyone has told Mr T/Primo to walk away, but we have been unsuccessful.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Oh this is a huge point about getting to a safe place first.
        I remember Sly. omg.

        What is it with estates? People conflate it with one last shot of having their parents’ love. But it’s not love.

        I have watched many people wrestle with the fact that their parents were not perfect people. It’s hard and they definitely handle that at their own pace, not ours.

    5. WS*

      My partner also has a narcissist parent but didn’t understand it until her early 40s. You need to remember that your husband has grown up with this as normal and has been programmed from birth to give attention to the narcissist parent. Your job is to be supportive and make back-up plans, his job is to get therapy to deal with the constant hurt of that parent. Labelling the FIL a “narcissist” at this point isn’t helpful to your husband no matter how true it is, but discussing his past behaviour in context of whatever new thing is happening now can be helpful.

  28. T. Boone Pickens*

    I’m a guy so take this for a grain of salt. There appears to be a little bit of perfect being the enemy of good going on here. I think you should take a step back and let this relationship organically evolve. It sounds like you enjoy texting about everything and anything and he maybe doesn’t? Getting texted all day would frankly be a lot for me to handle as when I’m at work I try to focus on work. I think his solution of meeting face to face and hearing about your day is nice.

    Overall it sounds like you have what appears to be a healthy relationship in its early stages. You’re taking things slow and feeling each other out. Good luck!

  29. Lena Clare*

    Did…I…just answer a ghost thread about cat toast and now the thread’s disappeared, or am I going mad?!?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I moved it further down the page. It had been the opening comment, and my sense is that people visiting the weekend threads for the first time are less likely to stick around if the first comments they see are … fluffier rather than more substantive questions.

      2. Jedi Squirrel*

        I thought I had noticed that pattern. Thank you for the clarification.

        I actually appreciate the floofier comments. It makes a pleasant break from the week on a Saturday morning. But I recognize I may be in the minority on that.

        1. tangerineRose*

          I enjoyed the cat and toast comment, but I can understand how new readers might want something more different.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      I swear I responded to Lena about this thread moving down. It’s possible we’re both going mad!

  30. I am Groot*

    All of my close friends ghosted me after I told them I had PTSD– this even includes mentors of 10+ years and friends from middle school who had stayed close ever since. I’m feeling really lonely and isolated. Any suggestions on how to make new friends when I’m fighting an uphill battle against fear and stigma?

    (A PTSD support group is the logical option, but my therapist and I agree that it’s not a good idea for me based on how my trauma works.)

    1. Salymander*

      Sorry. That really sucks. I have cptsd. It can be very isolating. I have found that reading Captain Awkward posts, including all the comments, to be really helpful. Lots of the commenters struggle with these issues, and it helps to feel like we are not alone. The posts and many of the comments are very well written and can be quite funny and entertaining, and much less likely to be triggering (for me at least) than a support group.
      If you have any hobbies, or can take up a new hobby, going to a hobby group is a good way to give you a bit of a social outlet in a predictable, safe environment. You will always have a safe topic of conversation (hobby!), and you can leave whenever you need/want too. I would go to a knitting group, and had a small and manageable amount of social contact that didn’t leave me feeling stressed.
      Hang in there. You are not alone and I am sending all my good thoughts your way

    2. PTSD anon*

      Sending virtual hugs and some thoughts.
      Not everyone is ready or can cope with hearing about pain. Especially pain that they don’t understand or can do anything about.
      I have discovered that the ghostees are not going to get better at it but sometimes they do come back. Give them time.
      My issue is that the PTSD rears its ugly head at inopportune moments and my own behavior becomes an issue.
      I am snappish or unresponsive when triggered and this could be after a movie, the sound of babies crying in restaurants, an aggressive male voice nearby, too many people-too close, scary weather/gale force winds, driving rain. And the winners are sudden moves by other people and what I perceive as close-calls. That makes me difficult to be with and unpredictable and some people can’t deal with that.
      So- I have learned Not to share. I say oh, that startled me, I need a minute. Or oh, I can’t be here right now. Gotta go , I ‘ll text later. Also I have a breathing app on an electronic watch that I can start up and it vibrates to help me calm down and breath and not escalate.

    3. Disco Janet*

      Can I gently ask if it’s possible that your PTSD has contributed in you making decisions that led to the friendships ending, rather than the diagnosis alone?

      I ask because I have two relatives (sisters) who have PTSD from an awful childhood. One of them has been dealing with the trauma in really awful, unhealthy ways that make it difficult to spend time with her. Like, she quit her job, got sucked into Cutco knives, and called her mentor at 2am trying to sell them to her. And she wants to bring her 60 year old boyfriend (she’s 20) who she met at her other new job stripping and have him hanging around our small children.

      I realize that’s an extreme example, but it’s happening in my life right now and I know she’s sad that we rarely see each other…but I’m trying to take care of my own mental health/anxiety too.

      1. Moop*

        Yes to this. It can be….intense and draining to be around someone with mental health issues. When I was severely depressed I couldn’t see beyond my sadness. It was distressing for my close friends and family to be constantly around that level of emotional suffering. My sister eventually told me she couldn’t listen to me anymore about my depression. While it hurt to hear it I totally understand and accept it. Being around me was emotionally draining and stressful. And her feelings were no more or less important than mine.

        It’s beyond the capacity for most people to support someone else dealing with a major mental health issue, particularly when it affects their own emotional welfare and relationship with that person.

      2. Fikly*

        I would ask if her friends left after she developed PTSD, or after she told them she had PTSD. The answer is likely telling.

        1. I am Groot*

          It varied. One person who had been doing a lot of the emotional heavy lifting before I could get in to see a doctor ghosted after I moved; she just wouldn’t return my attempts to reach out. Another person ghosted after I told her, as part of a discussion about life-threatening medical problems we both had, that I had been in danger of suicide at one point, though that crisis had passed long ago. One long-time professional mentor who had actually hooked me up with some good doctors ghosted after I requested medical accommodations at an event he was hosting (basically, “no surprise graphic violence,” which should have been an easy request given the field). One person was going through a crisis of her own and I couldn’t help her because of the PTSD, and told them so and was very apologetic about it. One person deliberately kept sending me emails with my triggers in them, because she thought I needed to stop moping, so I had to cut them out of my life.

          The list goes on, but you get the idea.

    4. grr pwr into grrl pwr*

      First off, good riddance. Friendship should be through thick and thin. But that doesn’t help with the loneliness and isolation. Best practice for now is to keep busy – time to do all those little projects you have been putting off.

      The obvious choice for new friends would be through an activity you already enjoy. Go there to enjoy activity and strike up conversations along the way. Know that if it doesn’t work out the first time you try that adult friendships take time to cultivate and keep at it. There are also app for making friends for this exact purpose, I see them advertised in my city (lots of transplants for tech) a lot.

    5. Fikly*

      I have PTSD, CPTSD, and a whole host of other chronic life altering health issues.

      The vast majority of people cannot handle being friends with people like that. It sucks. It is also reality.

      If the issue is actually stigma, sometimes you can get past it by describing symptoms rather than a diagnosis. For example, if a symptom you have is a very sensitive startle reflex to say, loud noises, you can say “Loud noises just really make me jump, don’t worry if I do that.” Or even ask them to try to avoid making them around you. You don’t have to say that your startle reflex is because of PTSD.

      But if the issue is that you are sometimes limited in what you can do, or that you talk about how it affects you and they don’t like that you are not happy all the time, well, people suck.

    6. zaracat*

      I went through the reverse situation (I ditched almost my entire social group, because they were the source of the trauma), but same outcome = very few friends. It’s been an evolving process to make new ones and it has taken lots of time (as in, years) and therapy to get to the point where I feel like I’m actually getting comfortable being close to people again and less triggered in general. Lots of failures along the way eg taking up yoga and meditation turned out to be a horrendous mistake, I didn’t know that these could potentially unlock more traumatic memories. Similarly, an attempt at volunteering was extremely triggering and ended up making me feel even more isolated than before. Social networking group also hideous, lots of being hit on by men 20 years older (blerggh).

      Things that did seem to work for me were those where the interactions were slowed down and/or I was able to move closer or pull away depending on how I was feeling: aqua fitness classes; drop-in craft groups run by my local library; online support groups including an informal circle of mental health/trauma bloggers who followed and interacted on each others’ blogs; and MeetUp groups.

      The aqua fitness was a big relief after the yoga – it’s light hearted and fun, you are close but not too close to people around you, you can interact with them or just tune out everyone else and do your own thing, unlike floor classes it’s easy to slack off if you’re having a hard day as most of your body is hidden under water plus unlike some other types of exercise class there’s no touching involved. After two and half years (emphasizing that recovery can be VERY slow) I’m starting to make actual friendships with some of the women there. A walking group might offer similar benefits.

      The blogging “group” was great because unlike a face to face support group I could choose who to engage with, when and how much. Plus if something didn’t go quite right in an interaction with another blogger or commenter, you could read back over what had happened and then plan how to fix it, rather than having to react instantly. It was a fairly low stakes environment in which to practice new or different ways of interacting. I learned a lot from others sharing their personal experiences of relationship ruptures and repairs and also sharing their own therapists’ insights. Down side is that there are no facilitators or moderators. Eventually I moved on from that though – which was another useful lesson, that there is often a limited lifespan on activities and relationships formed during the process of recovering from trauma.

      I went through a few MeetUp groups, some I just didn’t click with (anxiety and depression group seemed to spend all the time comparing their meds and I’d just come off mine) and others too intense but the one that has been really good was a social activity group for asexuals (which is how I’ve recently begun to identify). Quite an age spread in the group, some like me have even been married before. We play board games, pool, ten pin bowling etc and it’s awesome to be able to hang out and chat etc knowing that nothing will be misinterpreted as flirting.

      Anyway, the specific things that might work for you won’t necessarily be the same but I think the key is finding groups and activities that are low pressure and low drama, collaborative rather than competitive; and going in with the expectation that it might take months or years of being around the other people in the group before you really start to feel comfortable enough for genuine friendships to form, and also that eventually you might outgrow friendships which formed at a particular stage of recovery and met a particular need at the time.

      1. zaracat*

        Hmm, I realise that doesn’t really answer what you you were actually asking – as far as overcoming fear and stigma. With stigma, I’ve found that being very cautious about what I share and with whom has been important (especially in professional circles) as a lot of people are judgemental and victim blaming, or else weirdly competitive over their own issues. To some degree stigma and being judged comes from other people’s fear – they don’t want to consciously admit that they could be a victim too so they find all the ways they aren’t like you which is expressed as victim blaming and rejecting. Over time I’ve worked out what ways of describing my problems and needs seem most acceptable to other people, and how to test the waters a bit before revealing more eg I’ll often use a label of “anxiety” rather than PTSD at first as that seems to be more easily understood and accepted. Or as commenters above have said, describe symptoms or behaviours without using a particular label. Ableism and people refusing to understand or accommodate your limitations can be a huge problem, and I treasure friendships with people who are accepting.

        My own fear – of being in a relationship (including being in any sort of organised group) – as a result of previous trauma, is a whole other issue and one that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully overcome. What is working for me is time, therapy and having “exit strategies” in place (both for situations and relationships).

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      It’s on my to-watch list, so I’m glad I’ve seen nothing but great comments about it.

      Of course, I would watch Patrick Stewart read the weather report, so…I’m not the most objective person here.

      3. Akcipitrokulo*

        It’s not flawless… one part in particular made me roll eyes… but overall very happy :)

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I watched it yesterday and enjoyed it. I like the questions they’re setting up for the season and the quiet call backs to the established canon (i.e. it’s not shoe horned in there). And it’s always great to see Jean-Luc Picard in action again.

      I do wonder what Gene Rodenberry would have thought of it though as it’s a much darker version of Star Trek that was introduced with DS9 and the conflicts there.

      However, I enjoyed it and I’m looking forward to the rest of the episode. I’m just hoping there are cameos from all the Next Gen crew, including O’Brien!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Does one need to have watched all the Star Trek series in order to enjoy Picard and know what’s going on?

      I’m not a Star Trek fan at all. Growing up, I remember my dad always watching the reruns of the original series. I think I watched with him a few times, but I never got into it.

      Fast forward to today. I follow Wil Weaton’s Facebook page. He posted links to his first episode of Ready Room, which talks about Picard, and I decided to watch the episode. He interviewed a couple of people (producer and director, I think?) and they showed scenes from Picard. It looks interesting and think it’s something I might enjoy now that I’m an adult. And with surgery coming up in five weeks, I’m looking for something new to watch while I sit around, recovering.

      1. Akcipitrokulo*

        You’d probably get more out of it if you’d seen some next gen, but I don’t think you’d need to as a lot is covered in the catch-up.

        If you wanted to get a quick primer I think the episodes “Measure of a man” “Lal” and Possibly “The Defector” could be good. Also “Best of both worlds” (two part) and “Families”.

        Measure if a man is what I’d choose if you were to watch only one.

        But no, to follow its plotline, they give enough info. With poss one exception (Spoiler!)
        .
        .
        .
        .
        .
        You’ll recognise if you watch best of both worlds – the big cuboid ship is borg, one of most scary enemies.

  33. OyHiOh*

    I GOT MY SKETCHBOOK PROJECT YESTERDAY!!!!!

    I mentioned this briefly awhile ago. The Project is the effort of the Brooklyn Art Museum, an entity in Brooklyn NYC that aims to explore creativity and storytelling through making and displaying and loaning sketchbooks. They say that their collection currently boasts books sent in from 130 countries. You do not have to “draw” to participate. You can do almost anything to your book, as long as it folds down to it’s original 5×7 size and is no more than an inch thick at the end. You can install pop ups, additional papers, include photos, etc, etc, and so forth. Books received before the middle of August will be part of their traveling display this fall. Mine has a digitized upgrade so mine will become part of the web searchable catalog as well.

    I’ve wanted to do this for a few years. Mr Oy never got the hint and I never prioritized it for myself. Neptune said that sharing a Project post on FB before the winter holidays was “too easy” and I’d be lucky if I didn’t get five of them. Well, either he’s just the special guy I know he is, or my family are incredibly odd (they are! :-) ) but his is the only one I got. At first, I though I’d just sketch for 32 pages and leave it at that but a lot of creative people develop a theme or explicit story in their books. What sort of theme or story could I tell??!!? And then it hit me. The story of the past year, in images instead of words.

    Yesterday I turned in canvases for a local art show and after that, I checked mail and found my Sketchbook in the mail. Fitting! This will be my “do something Saturday,” my “self care Sunday” and all of my creative hours for the next few weeks. It’s also “ventilator day” today – the day last year the ICU team and I agreed to put Mr Oy on ventilator, after he’d tried to escape the hospital the night before (ripped everything out of his arms, tried to get out of bed, collapsed as expected, and oxygen desaturation into the 30’s). Having this project to work on is helpful – focusing on where I am now, rather than how I felt that day.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a comforting hug. Virtual cup of warm something while you open the cover and have a new step in your journey. Memory days are hard. So glad you have a balance….

    2. Not So NewReader*

      hmm. Got some tears coming up here. This isn’t just going to be good, it’s going to be REALLY GOOD!
      You go, lady!!!

      I understand it’s probably asking too much, but if there was a way we could see some of it when you are done, that would be terrific.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Once I send it back, they’ll archive photo the entire thing and put it on their website for virtual viewing. Links will be provided when that goes live :-)

  34. RMNPgirl*

    Adopted another cat Thursday evening, more like he adopted me. I could not leave him at the shelter, so I decided to bring him home. Resident cat was very angry! She’s been the only one for 7 of the 8 years I’ve had her and when I tried another cat years ago, he was very aggressive and it didn’t work out. There was lots of hissing and growling, a couple swats. Luckily the new guy is just ignoring it and giving her space.
    Today seems to be going better so far, even last night was good with him on one end of the couch and her on my lap. This morning there’s been a couple hisses but that’s it so far. I’m hoping this works out because he didn’t come from a good place and I’d hate to give him up because she won’t realize he’s not going to hurt her and I still love her.

    1. tangerineRose*

      Sounds like she’s been telling him about her boundaries (and that she’s the boss), and he’s OK with it. The fact that they can be on the same couch already is a great sign!

      The last time I brought home a cat, there was some hissing from my 2 other kitties, but it worked out.

    2. Type 2*

      Hang in there…it took a few months with my two. Now they get along with the exception of the occasional chase. And good for you for adopting!

    4. MsChanandlerBong*

      We got a kitten right before Christmas, and my other four cats were super mad for about three days. One jumped on the counter and sat next to the microwave in a huff for several hours. There was growling and hissing. Now kitten is best friends with one of the other cats (other cat is almost 7), and he likes to roughhouse with another one (who is almost 8).

  35. Hamster*

    Anyone ever start an exercise regime while pregnant? I know the general advice has been to continue if you’re used to it but not start something new. I have a high risk pregnancy and my obgyn did give me the go ahead to begin exercising, just avoid heavy weights and getting my heart rate up too much.

    I found a personal trainer at my gym who specializes In pre and post natal fitness and I have a free assessment with her next week. I used to exercise regularly 2-3 years ago but life happened and I lost it. Curious to see how It works out and if others had any experience.

    1. LibbyG*

      I got a prenatal yoga DVD and did that. Loved it! The routine made me feel really, like, oxygenated, and it felt like the moves helped my abdominal organs adjust around the growing pregnancy. And it seemed to help me keep better posture, reducing aches. And somehow I had a light sweat going even though it didn’t feel strenuous.

    2. Fellow Traveler*

      I never excercised until I was pregnant, then with my third child, I did 20-30 mins of cardio or yoga every day and it was great- it really helped me keep my energy up. I wanted to start finding time for excercise because I was older (40) and this last pregnancy seemed so much harder on my body. I also think being active and in shape helped me have a relatively easier birth.

    3. Fikly*

      There are also physical therapists who specialize in prenatal and postpartum health, and particularly pelvic floor strengthening can be beneficial if you start while pregnant.

    4. Cartographical*

      You might find Grow With Jo to be a fun follow these days — I used her low impact workout ideas, then she got pregnant and has kept making exercise videos. All the usual caveats apply, of course, I just like her attitude.

    6. Jenny F. Scientist*

      If you are high risk it might also be worth it to consult a MFM; they tend to have a more reasoned perspective on such things than your average OB.

  36. MOAS*

    This happened to me yesterday but at work. Not sure if it’s appropriate to share since it was at work but it was a good laugh.

        1. MOAS*

          Haha ok, so a client messaged us making a request. It’s something that’s ’ against our company policy and she’s already been really difficult to deal with and my report who was tagged in the msg asked me how to proceed. I said I would handle it. I went back to respond and didn’t find the message so I called my report who was tagged on it and asked her if I was hallucinating. As soon as I said it the message was there *face palm*. We had a good laugh. It was a tough week.

  37. MOAS*

    Anyone learn how to work with their opposite hand? I’m a righty and prone to tendon issues in my right hand/wrist. I’ve been putting more emphasis on my left now. Would be neat to be able to do stuff perfectly with both hands

    1. Reader in ND*

      I’ve learned to mouse with my left hand because of a sore right elbow and I wanted to give it a rest. I try to occasionally write with my left if my right hand is busy because then I can write my note without me forgetting it, ha!, but it’s as if a child wrote it most of the time. Since my right elbow hurts, I’ve also started grabbing the water pitcher with my left and I find I can usually do the task, I just concentrate a bit more on not spilling for example.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Yes! I do lots of things with my left hand (I am right handed) because I have arthritis in my hands and my right one is sorer than my left one. I also work with stroke survivors and it is good general practice to try to use both hands – good for the brain and good prevention etc. Anyway, I am currently trying to write with my left hand. I am at the ‘toddler’ stage of my writing development – it is sort of legible, and it takes me ages.
      Practice is the only thing that’ll work, but it will work.

      1. MOAS*

        Ok Thsi is fascinating. How do you practice writing? D you just get children’s books or? It’s been 25+ years since I was in school learning penmanship lol.

        I’m getting a good grasp of holding things and leading with my left side/hand. Would love to master doing makeup too since my right arm gets tired v quickly

        1. Lena Clare*

          No book. Just get used to the pen in your hand and draw squiggles until you’re confortable, then do the alphabet, like you learned how to do it as a child. Keep practising for a few minutes a day. Same for the make-up!
          Now and then I’ll do something like write a couple of sentences out in my journal with my left hand instead of my right, or I’ll do a shopping list. Anything really to help practise it.

          1. Jackalope*

            I like writing out song lyrics to songs I know well so I have a largish chunk of text I don’t have to think about.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              For an 8th grade science project I taught myself to write left-handed and this is exactly how I did it. It’s a decent amount of writing and I’m writing something I like. I did OK with it, but I’ll never be able to write the way I do with my right hand. And not that I use a computer almost exclusively, I don’t ever see myself improving it. In fact, my regular handwriting is now kind of awful after so many years of using a keyboard.

    3. Chaordic One*

      With a lot of things, I think it is helpful to gradually move from doing things with your right hand to doing them with both hands. At first, use your left had to sort of guide and support what you are doing with your right. Then attempt to do it with your left hand but with your right hand guiding and supporting it. And then gradually do things more and more with your left.

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Yes! I can write pretty well left handed. It’s slower than right handed and needs more attention to look good, but its quite decent handwriting. I decided I wanted to learn and then started copying bible verses while sitting in church on Sunday. If you normally doodle during meetings etc try writing with your left hand instead. My original stuff is fairly bad, but it gradually improved. I haven’t practiced much lately so the skill has degraded, but it isn’t gone.

      What is really funny is trying to play a stringed instrument backwards, since a lot of the detailed work is done with your left hand normally. It feels the SAME kind of wrong to try to fret an instrument with my right hand as it does to do other things with my left.

      I was moderately ambidextrous as a child, BTW. I think some people are so strongly handed that they would have a hard time using the ‘wrong’ one.

      1. Chaordic One*

        As a child I was also ambidextrous. I went to Catholic school and our first grade teacher, a nun, had me sit on my left hand so that I wouldn’t use it. Eventually she tied the wrist of my left hand behind my back to the chair. I can’t believe that it happened and I don’t imagine it would today. I find that for lots of things (other than handwriting) I do quite well with left hand, including drawing. And really, my left-handed handwriting isn’t bad.

        1. WS*

          Yeah, this happened to two of my aunts. My dad too, but he was such a skinny little kid that he’d slip his hand out, do his work left-handed, then put his hand back in! So he’s still left-handed while his sisters are mostly ambidextrous. It was a terrible practice and I’m glad they don’t do it anymore!

    5. nep*

      Only slightly related–I used to be able to write my name in cursive quite speedily on an Etch A Sketch. That took some interesting dexterity from my left (non-dominant) hand. Every time I see one I try it…It’s been ages so I’d have to practice to get back up to the speed (and legibility) of the past.

    6. Fikly*

      I can do pretty much anything with my non-dominant hand except write, but I haven’t practiced writing much. I can use chopsticks, use a mouse, I cross stitch with both hands (one hand below, one hand above).

      It’s mostly practice, though when I was a toddler my parents tell me I knocked a chair over while on it and while I didn’t badly injure my dominant hand, apparently I scared myself and refused to use it for a couple of months. So that might have been enough at a young enough age to rewire my brain a bit.

    7. Autumn*

      I spent a few years off and on writing with my left hand (natural righty) because my handwriting was atrocious and I figured it couldn’t be worse.

      It helped me figure out that it was going slower and considering the formation of each letter vs just getting all the thoughts in my brain out that would improve my right hand. My handwriting has gotten so much better, though I still wouldn’t call it calligraphy lol

      (I mean it was really truly terrible. My poor high school teachers gave me memorable feedback such as “Holy illegible handwriting, Batman!” and “God bless you, and with that handwriting, you better be a doctor” and in the start of my career, anything handwritten like meeting notes had to be passed to others in my team once they saw I truly meant that I’m a chicken-scratch)

    8. Pippa K*

      This is a great idea for lots of purposes. Some drummers regularly practice with their kits set up in reverse, so to speak, to force the brain and body to be more agile. I’d like to be able to do more tasks with either hand, so your post has reminded me to get back to applying this in practice more!

    9. lasslisa*

      Just be careful – switching my mouse between hands when one would get sore is how I ended up with bilateral tendonitis / tennis elbow. Make sure you’re also getting ergonomics help, rest and stretching, and ice-if-it-helps to help with the tendonitis in the first place!

  38. Free Meerkats*

    Why do people get so wound up about somebody putting something in their trash can on the curb? I was walking along on the sidewalk, drinking a cup of coffee, finished it, and dropped the empty cup into a can in the curb. The “lady” of the house popped out and went off on me. I just waved and kept walking. I even waved with all my fingers!
    I know it’s garbage day, I passed the truck on the next street; so it’s going to be picked up in less than an hour. The can was less than half full, so she won’t get an extra charge for an over filled can.
    I mean, WTF?

    1. WellRed*

      Where I live trash has to be bagged. Therefore, your coffee cup may end up on the curb or stuck to the bottom of my large can where I can’t reach it. Either way, I have to deal with it. Thx!

        1. Auntie Social*

          Plus if you take milk or cream in your coffee it’s going to stink in a few days. My trash is bagged so it doesn’t stink, so I have to bend over and clean out my now-smelling trash bin. Thanks, pal.

      4. Ktelzbeth*

        We can even get fined or have the pickup refused if all the trash isn’t bagged. It’s not that I care about the space your cup takes up, it’s that I don’t want to pay a fine or have my trash left.

    2. fposte*

      I probably wouldn’t have yelled at you, but I don’t like that either. I’ve had to clean foul stuck dog poop out of my garbage can (and I don’t have a dog), I’ve had neighbors help themselves to my dumpster without asking or contributing, I don’t know what you had in that cup or how much of it was left.

      You’re right that your specific case wasn’t likely to hurt anything, and I’d rather you threw your cup in my garbage than on the street or my lawn. But I think your job may just mean you have a more holistic view of the waste flow than some people :-).

      1. Alex*

        This exactly.

        In my neighborhood, our trash is usually picked up around 8-9am on trash day. This means that I’ve usually already left for work, so I can’t drag the bins back before I leave, but they sit out there empty all day and people walk by and throw their trash–especially dog poop bags–in my empty can.

        The reality is that individual items don’t get dumped a lot of the time. If it isn’t in a bag, it will stick around in your trash can, and the collectors don’t do a thorough sweep, they just dump. And most of the time, people are leaving their trash AFTER it is picked up for the day, so I have to keep your trash all week. Dog poop especially (and this is what I receive most frequently) will get smushed by my bags of trash all week, leaving it festering for months unless I tip the can over and scrape it out myself. Even if it is something less disgusting, I still usually need to reach in and manually remove whatever trash people have dumped in in walk-bys and put it in my own trash bag so that I don’t keep that trash for months.

        So it’s just rude to make people clean up after you like that.

        I once politely asked a man I saw drop his dog poop bag in my empty can if he could please not do that anymore. He SCREAMED at me, and told me I was a stupid B**** and what the F*** was he supposed to do with his dog poop if he couldn’t drop it in any empty can.

    3. Jenna*

      You might not have been the first one to do it. She could have a general problem with randos using her bin as they see fit. I know I would have felt weird seeing a stranger using my property for trash even if it indeed was the trash bin. But I wouldn’t have yelled at you. Did you walk closer to her house to reach it? That is one more layer of ‘weird’. How comfortable is this stranger with being near and using my things?

    4. Unimpressed*

      I get fined if there’s unbagged trash in my can, so you’d have just cost me money doing that, and caused me a lot of hassle. Find an on-street trash can or carry your trash out, don’t presume to use mine. It’s a dick move.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        There’s definitely places where not only would you get fined, but the trash wouldn’t be taken due to an unbagged item, yeah.

      2. Blarg*

        I lived in a city where non-recyclables in the recycle bin could get you fined … so people strolling by and throwing trash in the recycle bin could result in charges.

      3. Parenthetically*

        Whoa, I have literally never heard of this! You get a FINE for a loose paper cup in your trash?

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      In addition to the logical reasons of possibly leaving a mess, fines, etc, some people are just nasty.

    6. grr pwr into grrl pwr*

      I want to be on your side, but I know it would bother me immensely. I wouldn’t have yelled (never know what kind of people are out there). I think for me, it’s something about people touching my stuff without asking. Had it been a matter of “can I throw this in here?” – the answer would have been yes anyways so really it’s all a personal issue.

      So you’re not in the wrong (if there aren’t any rules about garbage in that area) but I can see why she was upset, lol.

    7. Retail not Retail*

      It probably does come down to unbagged vs bagged. When I’m walking her majesty and it’s close to trash day or we’re by those houses that never take in their cans, I toss the bagged stuff in as long as there are no obvious witnesses.

      (And of course we have 2 enemies so if she can time her body just right for that – haha take that that’s what you get for SEEING US and letting your little dogs loose out the front door. You probably don’t remember but I do.)

      However! I lived in this tiny tiny town in Montana and the city provided cans, normal. The city had alleys in all the neighborhoods – normal? The cans sat in the alleys at all times so it was definitely okay for me to toss a drink or a busted flipflop in. The second place I lived there was not like a “legal” residence per se, and our trash solution was “throw it in the neighbor’s can” which was just so bonkers to me! I’m usually very diligent about trash out but I left it to the 2 guys.

    8. Retail not Retail*

      You could also go absolutely silly/watched too many crime shows in your explanation. You’re messing up their disposal of evidence OR you’re disposing of your evidence in random cans to send detectives on a wild goose chase!!!! How could you?

      /i may have watched way too much l&o as a child

    9. Moop*

      Awhile ago my local paper had a debate on this exact topic. People have so many first world problems these days.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Generally speaking, it’s not your garbage can and you don’t pay the company to pick up the contents. So it’s not yours to add more garbage to. However, it is your coffee cup and getting rid of it properly would mean putting in a public trash can such as one outside a store or in a public space.
      It can come across to some people as if a person said, “Here, you can clean up after me.” I am not saying this was your intent because you show here it’s not, I am just saying that is how it can come across to others.

      We do have a problem with too much garbage in this country. I foresee in the future we will lock our garbage can lids so others do not have access. I have been noticing that businesses around here put their dumpsters in locked cages so people do not add their own garbage. It won’t be much longer and private citizens will be doing the same.

      I expect the yelling to increase.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          In rural areas, no. Smaller towns cannot afford to provide that service.
          Here we pay private haulers to pick up our trash.
          It used to be that we could get rid of recycling for free but now companies are charging.

          If you bring your stuff to the dump like I do, it’s almost 5 bucks to get rid of any decent amount of recycling. A 3o gallon garbage bag is $4 and change to toss out. But it it seems to be a bit heavy they will charge you $6 to throw it out that 30 gal bag.
          I choose to bring my stuff to the dump because I resent paying double or triple just to have someone pick it up for me.
          We no longer have anyway to get rid of electronics here, you have to travel to a different county. Sprau paint cans are impossible to get rid of also.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          I live in a city where most of it has city trash pickup, I, of course, live in the section of the city where we have to pay a private company for trash and recycling pickup.

        3. fposte*

          Some cities leave it to private industry. My current one does. I grew up with city-provided garbage and was blown away when I first moved to a place where it was privately contracted. (It was San Francisco, and it looks like it’s still privately run but more consolidated.)

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            My home town was also like this. My parents had several different companies to choose from.

    11. Free Meerkats*

      A few answers.
      Bagging is not required here, I didn’t notice how hers was, I just tilted the lid a bit and dropped the cup with one hand.

      It was drip coffee, black, and it was empty. But, she couldn’t have known that.

      The bin was at the curb, I had to step into the street, so not waking on her lawn.

      I guess I didn’t get the territorial gene; unlike my wife, I don’t care if someone uses our driveway to turn around when they notice our street is a dead end. Or sits on the street in front of our house in a warm car, waiting for the school bus. She doesn’t yell at them, but kvetches about it to me in the house; and doesn’t seem to get that I don’t care. :-)

      2. RagingADHD*

        I’m with you.

        In my town, trash pickup is a city service. There are no rules about bagging. And technically, the bins themselves are city property – they provide them and replace them if they break.

        I get that people do care about things even when there are no practical consequences, because everybody is irrational about something.

        But it’s still irrational and kind of ridiculous. And screaming at strangers about one’s own personal bugaboo is not the work of a healthy mindset.

        1. Natalie*

          Yeah, my city works the same way, plus everyone’s bins stay in the alley and I’ve never known anyone to try and clean them. Between the long winters and the aggressive squirrels that would be a poor use of time. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me but I also don’t think it’s a big deal to use someone’s driveway to turn around and I’ve met people who get incensed about that. *shrug*

        1. Free Meerkats*

          The language used was definitely not ladylike. That’s all the scare quotes were meant to convey.

          1. Valancy Snaith*

            Yeah, still not crazy about the idea that women are required to be ladylike in all social interactions with total strangers.

    14. Anon Here*

      She couldn’t see what you threw in there. Her response was over the top, but I get where she was coming from. In some places, you can get fined for having the wrong thing in the wrong bin. You also might have to remove trash that’s unsanitary or illegal. Like used syringes thrown in your recycling bin. For all she knows, your cup had drug baggies and used condoms stuffed inside it (I know, ick, but we all know the urban trash landscape . . . ).

      I speak as someone who occasionally puts a bag of dog poop or empty soda can in some random person’s bin. So I get where you’re coming from too! Just answering the question.

    15. Doctor is In*

      I live on a rural road and have picked up bags and bags of litter over the years. I would much prefer someone put their empties in my trash can. However when I pick up trash I only put it in neighbor’s cans or bins with their permission. Thanks for not littering.

    16. Jdc*

      Because you just got my trash can wet and soon it’ll smell like rotting milk. It’s illegal in some places.

  39. Bibliovore*

    Continuing the New Years Resolution less work/more everything else.
    Bailed on ALA Midwinterin Philly. Winding up virtual committee commitment so I don’t NEED to be there. I will miss the professional development, seeing the new books, picking up galleys, meeting authors and artists, and reconnecting with friends from over twenty years of service. Also the Newbery/Caldecott press conference.

    Already did the grocery shopping. Will spend today catching up on home stuff. Late lunch with friends downtown. The new Ann Patchett at the top of the TBR pile.

    Binge- watched Cheer last weekend. Thank you to who ever recommended it last weekend. It was amazing!

    1. fposte*

      Turbinate surgery! I know at least couple of people here have had it. What was it like and how long was recovery? Mine would be unilateral, I think–would that make any difference?

  41. Jedi Squirrel*

    For all the folks who watched and liked Cheer I would also recommend Red Hot Ballroom. It’s an older movie, but also really good. I’ve yet to meet anyone who didn’t like it.

  42. Colette*

    Last summer I took a group of Girl Guides (note to Americans: your equivalent group would be Girl Scouts) to Saskatchewan. That trip was a success, so I’m taking a new (and bigger) group to Yellowknife next March.

    We had our kick off meeting last night, and it went well. It looks like a really good group of girls! I knew 5 of them already but the remaining 10 are from other groups, so they are new to me.

    If you’re in Ottawa and want to check out our fundraisers, you’ll find them here: https://guidestravel.home.blog/fundraisers/

    If you have amazing fundraising ideas, I’d like to hear those, too!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t think of any ideas off the bat but I loved being a Girl Scout. Still support them here by buying cookies.

      1. Colette*

        Speaking from experience, that is very appreciative! I’ve ordered 600 cartons of cookies (7200 boxes) for March – it’s our major fundraiser.

      2. Goldfinch*

        Girl Scouts was a miserable, cliquey experience for me. I always encourage parents to investigate individual troop dynamics before joining, because a lot of people just assume the org is universally positive and wholesome.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I’m sorry it was so bad for you. :( That’s a good point.
          My experience was the opposite — the clique-y misery was mostly at school, but our Scout leaders didn’t put up with that.

          Plus, I’m old, so we got to use pocketknives and camped out a lot.

          1. Colette*

            My girls will be using pocket knives and camping out next weekend. :) well, they have a cabin for Friday night, but Saturday they get to sleep out in the snow if they want to and have brought the right stuff.

        2. Colette*

          I’m sorry to hear that! It’s true that the groups (I.e. leaders) can vary widely – it’s the nature of a far-flung organization staffed by volunteers.

  43. I am going to Bologna!*

    Going to Bologna, Italy in two weeks for 5 days. I will be on my own for the most part except for doing a cool thing. Deciding whether to out myself on cool thing. The AAM community is so incredibly supportive that I am dying to share.

    Taking one carryon suitcase and one backpack.

    Wearing short boots on the plane. These are my presentable all around walking leather boots that are fine with paints and dresses etc. Garanamal Eileen Fisher- leggings, one skirt, one dress, one sweater, one pair of pants, 2 long sleeve stretchy tops, polartec blazer for the plane. merino wrap. snacks.
    You all have made me a confident international traveler. Thank you!
    Advice for Bologna appreciated. I’ve got funds saved up for fun. I will have two days to myself. What shouldn’t I miss?

    If I decide to blow my anonymity I will put a link to cool thing in the comments underneath this post.

    1. Pucci*

      I would add a raincoat, thin wool socks, and a second (thin) sweater.
      Can’t help on Bologna per se, but just seek out things related to your interests (for example, mine is gardens, so I love to visit them when traveling). The food in Italy is amazing, so you can make trying different pasta dishes every day a feature of your trip.

      1. I’m going to Bologna*

        Yes smart wool socks. On the fence about a raincoat. I have a light water resistant winter coat. Never wore the raincoat in London.

        1. Colette*

          When I travel, I sometimes pick up a dollar store rain poncho to take with me. They are cheap, light, and compact, and good to have if it starts pouring.

    2. Cambridge Comma*

      Eat, drink coffee and walk around. The world’s third best ice-cream shop is in Bologna, Sorbetteria Castiglione in Via Castiglione.
      If you are at the train station, leave yourself extra time to look at the memorial.

    3. coffee cup*

      I would like to know what the cool thing is! Only if you want to share. But I solo travel a bit these days and am always interested in others’ cool things.

      When I went to Spain I convinced my friend to come with me to a flamenco class. It was so much fun (but really hard!).

    4. catsaway*

      Bologna isn’t that big. I’d recommend a day trip to another city in the area, if you aren’t also traveling there. I really liked Sienna, and Florence is also only an hour away.

  44. pinkLemur*

    Advice on using CreateSpace for books with lots of colorful illustrations? I’ve read their FAQ, and now I’m confused about bleeding edge and spot colors. They also want bank info, which makes me nervous (I understand why, but…)

    This appears to be the right address: https://www.createspace.com/

    Also, is it possible to make changes to a print on demand book after it’s been uploaded?

    1. Bibliovore*

      Full bleed means that the pictures /illustrations go over the edge the page. There will be no white space. Spot color usually means that you have a white page, a black line drawing and “spot color” filling in to highlight an image, imaging if there was a balloon, just color in the balloon.
      I don’t know createspace but you can shop around. look at Lulu. this book was print on demand and contains lots of color.
      Link in next comment. It a free download. The cover is a full bleed.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Yes you can make changes before you publish and re-upload. But once it goes live, if you do anything more substantial than correcting typos, it will technically be a new edition. So if you’re thinking about purchasing your own ISBN, keep that in mind. A new edition will need a new ISBN.

      They give you the option to order a proof copy before you publish it, which is what I did. You only pay the cost to print it–for my book, which is $14.99, the print cost was around $4.71. The ebook went live and then I held off on the paperback until I got the proof (I forgot to justify the text and there were two typos). I fixed the typos in the ebook and then after fixing my manuscript, I re-uploaded the print version. Then and only then did I hit Publish.

      They also have templates for different cover sizes and page counts. You can download these and use them in Photoshop or GIMP. You can also go to Fiverr and hire people to make a cover for Amazon publishing.

      Look in the KDP community posts for help with common issues. You can also google questions and you’ll find tons of posts about publishing on KDP. There’s no hurry; you can take your time.

      1. pinkLemur*

        Thanks! I was hoping that if I found a typo I could just fix it, but I don’t want to get another ISBN number for a typo.

    3. RagingADHD*

      All my createspace print stuff got automatically ported over to KDP last year. You’d best check the specs directly through KDP Print, I have heard they are slightly different. Even if CS still works in your area for now, it’s only a matter of time before it switches over.

      The bank info is so you get paid. If you’re nervous, most banks will let you open a secondary checking account for free – use that one instead.

      No specific advice about illustrations, my stuff is all text. Sorry.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      An IT friend gave me an idea for snk account safety in a day of identity theft: a second checking account that you tell the credit union is NOT linked to other accounts and it NOT authorized for overdraft protection. Our credit union has free checking, I know it’s not a reasonable solution if you’re paying monthly for the account.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh autocorrect….sigh. Bank account. That’s not even one of the acronyms I had to teach the phone.

      2. pinkLemur*

        That makes sense. I’ve also heard that CreateSpace asks for your SSN, because they might need to submit tax info to the IRS That makes me nervous too.

  45. anon 4 this*

    Lately, there have been a lot of people saying casually “when you are a mother” or “when you are married” as if it’s an inevitability (as a note, I am quite young – late 20s/early 30s). I don’t think I’ve made up my mind about either of those things yet. I’m not opposed but I take them both very seriously, in what it means in sacrifice and compromise as well as financially. However, if it never happens, I don’t think I will be that bummed out. The latter has always been really hard for me to fully accept because I feel guilty for not wanting these ‘goals’ so when people say things like that, it kind of makes that guilt resurface.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on what to (kindly) say to get people to shift their language when it comes up? Or maybe suggestions from other people who’ve been told the same things and feel the same way about how to just live life not worrying about “obligations”/”expectations” of others?

    1. londonedit*

      This is so difficult, and I sympathise!

      Some people will say ‘just don’t respond, there’s no point getting into a conversation about it’, and that’s totally valid, because if you do anything apart from smiling and nodding with people who make these sort of ‘when you have kids’ statements, you’re running the risk of getting into a whole ‘But of course you’ll have kids! You’ve got plenty of time! Just need to meet the right person! Of course you should have kids! It’ll be the making of you!’ thing. And there is nothing I hate more than that. So if you want to just smile and shrug and say something non-committal, that’s completely understandable.

      Your other option is to shut down that sort of statement, and I have spent quite a lot of time in my life trying to do that, because I really do believe that people’s reproductive choices are a private matter and we shouldn’t have to answer questions about it, and I also believe that women are not only ‘supposed’ to be wives and mothers. So I’m always tempted to challenge people’s thinking when they come at me with the ‘Oh, when you’re a mother…’ stuff. I try not to get into a conversation/argument (some people REALLY don’t like it when you say you’re not planning to have children) but I try to say something ‘breezy’ (to quote Monica Geller), like ‘Oh, well, that’s not in my plan’, or ‘Not going to happen, but anyway…!’ and do a quick subject change. Sometimes it works, sometimes it takes a few extra rounds of ‘Nope, not for me, but anyway how was your holiday?’ before people take the hint.

      1. anon 4 this*

        I don’t like to argue about it so I also usually just let it slide because I can only bite my tongue so much. I am also a very private person – I don’t even talk about my family or friends at work except is vague passing – so them insisting on things “to be determined” in my private life might lead to a “spat” (all verbal, even-toned, and HR-appropriate, of course!) Not so NewReader (below) even went as far as to give a few deflections out but I like the idea of questioning why they would even say that and why it was even relevant to the conversation.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Agreeing with londonedit that it depends on the relationship (and whether or not you actually want to get into it).

      For me, I had a longer, more serious talk with my grandmother, because she was one of the people who wouldn’t let it go and tried to steer every conversation toward my “progress” in finding a husband or how sorry she was that I wasn’t married. I talked about how I was very happy with my life as it was and not worried about getting married or having kids, that I was genuinely content with my life whatever path it took, and didn’t like feeling as though I had to check these certain boxes in order to be happy, because I already WAS happy. With other folks I would say something more casual and breezy — “Well, you never know what might or might not happen!” or a teasing, “Hey, single/childless people aren’t all that bad!” or “I mean, that might happen, but I’m pretty content where I am right now” or similar. Sometimes it also worked to preempt their inevitable comments with a remark about (an article I read about contentment and health/the things I appreciated about being unattached/how much I enjoyed the freedom to travel or help others or focus on my career or whatever), just to steer things in a more positive direction.

      Good luck!

      1. anon 4 this*

        “I mean, that might happen, but I’m pretty content where I am right now” – I think this could be a mantra!

        Thank you for your comment – this is exactly how I feel and it’s nice to see others who have a similar mindset.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It’s odd that you assume I will marry and have children, when I myself have no idea where the road in life will take me.
      OR
      If I don’t marry or don’t have children will you be terribly disappointed?
      OR
      Would you say that to me if I were male?
      OR
      Whether I marry or have kids really isn’t relevant to what we are talking about.
      OR
      Marry? Children? That’s kinda personal, don’t you think?

      1. anon 4 this*

        These are so, so useful. Esp “Whether I marry or have kids really isn’t relevant to what we are talking about.” Often times, the spring board for this statement is “I’m a mom / wife so I have a better understanding to this situation you don’t” so I think this will be helpful, especially at work (which is where this happens most – although understandably, that’s where we spend the most time with ‘friendly strangers’, i.e. people we wouldn’t normally spend our free time with but are forced to interact with).

        Made me think of a new one: “Even if I have that experience, I don’t think I want any advice on it right now. Thank you.” Will maybe re-tool it.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ah, that annoying air of superiority. I had a relative tell me that because I am not a parent I do not understand what love is.

          I said to myself that she is the one who does not understand what love is because I love her enough to ignore that remark. This worked for a while and then it ceased working as things were said that had ZERO thinking behind the statement.
          OP, I encourage you to consider the difference between part of a pattern of remarks or a remark that is a one-off example. If everything else is okay, I would respond differently than if there are other relationship issues going on at the same time.

          1. Goldfinch*

            I respond to the “you don’t understand what love is as a non-parent” thing with “I’m so sorry to hear that you think your kids can’t love you.” I’ve only gotten the chance to use it twice, but the blank stares and spluttering were worthwhile.

    4. Cambridge Comma*

      It’s easier to raise the topic when to someone talking to or about a third person. Try that and hope that your karma comes around?
      I‘m married and a parent now so I don’t get that any more but I raise it often and people are always surprised at themselves that they came out with it. Some things are very deeply buried in the subconscious.

  46. Anon woman with breast cancer*

    Hi all – another breast cancer update to share… This past week I had my 3rd Taxol, and there are some good and not so good things to share in terms of my side effects. Good news is I think my hair is growing back. It is like fuzzy 5 o’clock shadow but there is more there than 3 weeks ago. I would love. to be as pretty as SInead O’Connor – not sure that will happen tho! The glutamine has helped with the tingling neurotoxic effects. The one not good effect is nose bleeds that are mild but the sniffly constant blowing (no hair inside of nose) means a most of the day nose bleed but, it is still manageable. I will have my surgery in 11-12 weeks from now, and I am hoping that everything else goes well. I have also got a new pen pal in another country who writes me in email and I write her – about once a week – we have similar profiles of cancer. She suggested glutamine and it has really helped.

    Hoping everyone’s health is good and continues to stay that way!

      1. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        Thanks! I really hope as treatments get more precise, and detection is earlier, that everyone who goes thru this has an easy time. It’s not a picnic but it is also not as bad as I thought it would be.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      good update, so sorry about the nosebleeds … hope they stop soon. Internet hug of encouragement.

    5. Fikly*

      I had never considered that nose hair would fall out. But why wouldn’t it?

      I am prone to nosebleeds from CPAP use. I find sticking a little aquaphor up my nostrils (before I put the CPAP on) massively helpful in preventing them. Not sure if it would work for you, but it sounds like the bleeds are basically being caused from the tissue being too dry?

      1. Anon woman with breast cancer*

        hi Fikly, yeah, all the hair – eyebrows, lashes, etc. :/ I’ll look up aquaphor, and am drinking a ton of tea for keeping hydrated. :)

        1. Breast Solidarity*

          Ayr nasal gel was recommended to me for the constant dripping nose. Not sure if you are getting Herceptin or not, but apparently that also causes drippy nose, so I have a whole more year of the faucet-nose, and the Ayr does seem to help.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Glad to hear that you’re generally doing well.
      Two thoughts on the nosebleeds:
      1. Saline spray or saline gel morning and evening, or any convenient time of day that it isn’t already bleeding. I sometimes just use Neosporin or Bacitracin cream, if that’s what’s on hand.
      2. If the nosebleeds don’t go away after you finish chemo, you can go to an ENT and have the spot cauterized. (Silver nitrate, I think, not heat.) It only hurts briefly, and when I’ve had it done, it’s lasted for several years.
      Some people just seem prone to nosebleeds for no discernible reason, and once there’s a weak spot, it keeps breaking through over and over again. It’s a common problem, and a really common treatment.

  47. Figure Skating competitions this weekend*

    US & European championships are both this weekend. I’m following them via the amazing Jackie Wong at Rockerskating on Twitter. These set up teams for Worlds in Montreal in March.

    Jackie gives commentary, tracks scores, and adds videos of some (that stay up varying amounts of time).

    2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      European Championship was RAD, RAD I SAY. The ISU streamed it all on Youtube and I watched all I could from start to finish. Also, it was the perfect distraction for my mum, who has a small fracture in one of her feet and is super cranky of sitting on the couch for most of the day. The ISU commentator delivered some sick burns like “I’m not sure about the [fanstasy] chain [on the costume] … did he lost his dog or something?”.

  48. fposte*

    Turbinate surgery! I know at least couple of people here have had it. What was it like and how long was recovery? Mine would be unilateral, I think–would that make any difference?

    1. Chaordic One*

      When I had it done it was as an outpatient surgery at a surgical center. I checked in in the morning. The actual surgery took a couple of hours, I woke up a bit after that and went home full of pain meds. Later that afternoon, my nose started bleeding and it seemed profuse so I called my doctor’s office. My doctor was performing a second surgery, but his P.A. had me come to his office (my parents drove me there) and she changed the bandaging while I petted the hypoallergenic therapy dog. I might have overreacted a bit, because it stopped bleeding shortly afterwards.

      It really was uncomfortable for the first couple of weeks and the first couple of days were the worst. The pain meds helped a lot. (I was given oxycodone.) The first couple of nights I ended up sleeping in a recliner so that I could keep my head elevated. I slept a lot the first couple of days. Rinsing out my sinuses with a NeilMed saline nasal rinse helped a lot, and scabs would wash out with the excess water. Everyday, the swelling would go down some more and the worst of it was over by the end of two weeks. I was unemployed at the time, and not really actively looking for a job, but I think I could have gone back to work after a week. It really took about 4 weeks for most of the healing to occur, and then a bit longer after that.

      I hope I didn’t make it sound too unpleasant. In retrospect, I wish I not put it off for as long as I did and had the surgery done earlier. While not 100% effective at eliminating my sinus problems, it did significantly reduce them and I would say that, depending on the day, things are between 80 to 95% better after the surgery so it really has been worthwhile and I really would recommend it, in spite of the down time and the discomfort.

      1. fposte*

        This is super helpful, Chaordic One; I remembered you were one of the people who had it (I think maybe AvonLady Barksdale was the other). I don’t know if it’s exactly the same for contact-point issues, but it’s still cutting down the turbinate so I figure it’s pretty similar. I’d rather know about the full story than believe sunshine and get surprised by how much time I take off, so I appreciate the gory details.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Yup, ’twas me! I had an outpatient procedure and quite honestly, the anesthesia recovery was the hardest part for me. I bled most of the day after the procedure but I was able to eat normal food an hour after I got home. I had no pain. I slept in the guest room, propped up, for a couple of nights. The following morning I felt GREAT, took the dog for a walk, then… passed out once I got home and back into bed.

          I think I took two extra days off from work, and apparently I sounded terrible, but my experience was pretty easy. My first surgery, so I don’t know how I would do in different circumstances. And it was worth it!

      2. Chaordic One*

        I had my deviated septum straightened and then the first set of turbinoids surgically reduced. It really made a big difference in my life and now I’m no longer a mouth breather and I no longer snore at night. I had sort of expected that during the surgery my doctor would also perform a tonsillect0my and an adenoidectomy, but my doctor said that they didn’t usually do that anymore, and that while my tonsils and adenoids were enlarged they didn’t seem to be giving me any problems so he was going to leave them in. (In years past it was normal to have tonsils removed even when they didn’t give any problems, but they came to realize that for most people the small risks associated with surgery didn’t justify it.)

        He said he believed in practicing medicine “conservatively.” I’ve always felt that my voice is a bit nasal and adenoid-like so I was sort of hoping that if they were removed it might sound less so, but I still have my tonsils and adenoids and the surgery didn’t seem to any noticeable affect on my voice.

    2. Bea*

      I had my (really bad) deviated septum and turbinates fixed in 2011, and I swear it was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself! My ENT said that my turbinates were the biggest he had ever seen.

      Surgery was at a surgicenter. I took pain meds (lortabs) for a couple of days. I remember that I slept on a wedge pillow because I had to have my head up. I know I used an OTC nose spray followed by a saline spray a few days after the gauze was removed. After the gauze was removed, he had to pull out a big bloody scab thing that was disgusting. I followed instructions to the T and had an easy recovery.

      But wow! I could breathe! I never knew how great is was to have air in my head! Lol I had always been a mouth breather. I still remember the shock of feeling air in my head! To this day when I take a deep breath through my nose, I mentally thank my ENT. I should have listened to my GPs who told me for years to fix my nose.

      Good luck!

    3. Fikly*

      I haven’t had it personally done, but my understanding is that pain and general post-op experience can vary tremendously. I know people who have been miserable for a couple weeks. On the other hand, my sister took maybe one tylenol, and her biggest complaint was that her throat was sore from the tube.

    4. Merci Dee*

      I had sinus surgery in 2008. As part of the surgery, my deviated septum was corrected, the sinus cavity in my forehead was altered (most of the thin bone that creates a sort of honeycomb in the cavity was removed to allow better drainage), the sinus openings between my nose and cheek cavities were widened for better drainage, and my turbinates were shaved.

      The surgical center gave me a Lortab before I left, with a prescription for more if I needed them. The day after my surgery, I took a Tylenol 3, and that was it for the pain meds.

      I had to go two weeks with packing in my nose, and the doc removed all that at the two-week follow up. At that point, he told me to start twice – daily nasal washes made with distilled water, pickling salt (no iodine which would have burned like crazy), and baking soda to act as a buffer for the salt. It took about two weeks before the scabs came loose during an evening nasal wash, but that was a memorable day. Two biggest changes from the scabs finally coming out: 1) I could take my first full breath through my nose since the surgery – and it gave me a freaking headache, and 2) because of the bloody scabs living in the back of my nose, I’d had a taste like low tide in the back of my mouth for weeks – that immediately went away when the scabs came out.

      I general, I’ve been happy with the results of my surgery. I haven’t had nearly as many sinus infections as I used to, so that alone is worth it. But … I’ve had one particular problem with my nose in the years since. It seems that I occasionally have symptoms of empty nose syndrome, which is the feeling of obstruction with nothing present in the nose. It can happen if the turbinates have been shaved too aggressively, because they act as a buffer for the air coming into the nose to help make sure nothing else comes in too. If the turbinates are shaved back too much, it just kind of makes a wind tunnel in your nose where the air is hitting all exposed surfaces, and ends up creating the sensation of obstruction. Usually, a quick rinse with my can of Arm & Hammer saline rinse moistens and washes everything in there, and I’m good to go.

      Overall, the surgery was good and I’m glad I did it. But occasionally my nose is still a pain in my butt.

    5. fposte*

      Thanks, all, for the info. Merci, I’ve heard of empty nose syndrome and am a little nervous about it—I’m glad you found it so surmountable.

      1. Merci Dee*

        As you might expect, I most frequently have issues with the open nose syndrome during winter when I’m going from cold air outside to hot and overly dry air inside. I try to remember the saline nasal washes when I take my morning shower, as that helps to keep the symptoms at bay. I also carry around a small tube of saline gel that I can swipe around just inside my nostrils if necessary. Between those two products, I’m pretty set for winter weather. Since I live in central Alabama, I don’t have to worry very much about dry air once the weather warms up……. (I’m crushed by both that obvious understatement and by the humidity I’ll be stewing in a couple of months from now).

    6. Natalie*

      I had sinus surgery in late 2018 – deviated septum, polio removal, and something else that was either turbinates or something about the holes between the sinus cavities, I don’t recall.

      All in all it was super easy. Like sometimes I forget I’ve ever had surgery easy. The procedure itself was only about 90 minutes and maybe 2 hours waking up, I didn’t have any issues with the anesthesia (I remember right up to when they put me on the operating table – they are very narrow!), and recovery was pretty easy. I did feel mild sinus pressure, similar to cold symptoms, for a couple of days because of the packing. Most of my packing was dissolvable except for a couple of specific pieces. One came out on its own (felt super weird) and the surgeon suctioned the other bits out under local anesthesia during one of my follow ups.

      A++ would recommend. Wish I had done it sooner, turns out being able to breathe through your nose is pretty great.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A friend who had deviated septum corrected shared his favorite piece of advice: take Tylenol an hour before going in to have packing removed. His Dr suggested it saying “I don’t know why it’s not in the standard instructions.” Always good to check ahead of time to be sure it’s ok with their plans for your specific procedure, of course, especially if you’re not supposed to eat or drink.

    8. Jenny F. Scientist*

      I had it! It took me from 3-4 sinus infections a year to maybe one every 2 years, which really helped. Recovery: I was miserable for about 2 days, and felt pretty sorry for myself for about a week, and then it was all better. I removed part of the packing myself at the appropriate time and wish I’d just removed both sides; ymmv of course. The bleeding/oozing was gross but manageable. Not blowing your nose for 2 weeks is surprisingly hard.

      I later needed *another* sinus surgery for a bone spur somewhere in there, which also was very helpful and had a similar recovery.

  49. I Don't want to talk about it*

    Update on the colonoscopy.
    Thank you fposte.
    I was able to ask all the right questions and the Drs office called me twice the day before to go over my previous exams AND to talk about “just in case” scenarios.
    The very special, very expert dr. was great too.
    Took time to go over concerns. He still wanted to do it without any sedation.
    Then explained that if he did use sedation, I would be awake and aware the whole time and there would be discomfort (Dr. speak for pain) but it shouldn’t be intolerable. He was very confident and had seen EDS patients etc before.
    Sooo
    TMI to follow.
    The prep worked great and I was totally clean.
    hint- mix the movie-prep with a little ginger beer. Cuts the taste and helps consistency.
    I did have trouble with the medication not working as well as he expected and he immediately resolved that upping the dosage through the IV twice.
    The medication did not make me loopy or sleepy. (perhaps a little judgement impaired as I was thinking hey I could go home and get a little work done)
    Instead I went home, had a little noodle soup and watched Cheer.
    Good news/ bad news.
    The good news- no bowel reason for chronic pain and IBS symptoms.
    Bad news- he discovered a lot of scar tissue from previous surgeries that is compromising my bowel and speculated that’s what’s been causing my discomfort.
    Good news- given my age and condition of bowel, recommends never doing this again. huh. Didn’t know that was a thing.

    1. fposte*

      I’m glad it was helpful and I’m glad it went well. I especially like the sound of the doctor responding to feedback about the medication. Sorry about the scar tissue, but it’s good to remove other suspicions, and how nice to hear that you’re not facing this again!

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Very glad to hear it went so well. How I phrase the pain med I got was “enough so I did not care but not enough so I didnt feel it.
      Great new tip on the ginger beer!

      1. I don’t want to talk about it*

        I suspect that the results will be bounced back to my gp. I have a multitude of chronic pain issues with no foreseeable fix or resolution so I am suspecting the result will be that I just have to live with it.

    4. Anono-me*

      I am glad for your good news and hopefully that something can be done to mitigate the bad news.

      Also, I am facing this soon. I am much more worried (scaresd spitless) about the sedation. Can you tell me what was the level of discomfort you had without it please?

      1. I don’t want to talk about it*

        What are you specifically worried about the sedation? I was worried that it wouldn’t be enough. Did you have one of these before? Everyone I know who doesn’t have my connective tissue disorder had no issues at all.

  50. Retail not Retail*

    I have an advice type question but it’s more of a “this should bother me more, right?”

    I’m 31 and living with my mom after 7 years away where I worked retail and got a masters degree and studied abroad and moved and learned to drive and all sorts of nonsense!

    I contribute what I can (I pay our phone bill) but I’m not in a hurry to move out and she’s not in a hurry for me to go either. If I kept this job and moved out, I’d have to live further away with like 4 roommates (I already live in a suburb over the work city). My mental health is stronger than it was a year ago when I moved back but things are not the sturdiest they could be.

    Of course the big issue is she has seizures! Last spring they were discussing brain surgery and my mental health was pinging around like mad so it made sense. No surgery yet, but they’re always trying new treatments because seizures are hard, even when you know the origin (one hit to the head! One!).

    Anyway i like my job, i love my mom, i wuv the dog, should I be unhappy instead?

    1. university minion*

      No, it shouldn’t bother you more. If the arrangement works for you and your mom (sounds like it does), then great!

      What y’all have is not in any way, shape or form equivalent to the freeloader adult child who fails to launch and subsists in their mom’s basement playing video games, eating Cheetos and drinking Mountain Dew.

    2. fposte*

      Yes! There’s good misery to be had and you’re wasting it! /s

      If you two are happy, it sounds like a great plan to me. The problem with living with a parent or two (or more) comes when people aren’t happy with the relationship. The one thing I’d say, which I’d say to anybody living with somebody who’s covering the majority of the bills, is to do what you can to protect your own financial situation in case something happens to the living arrangement, and to do what you can to get an independent credit rating for the same case. If your mom is willing to talk about whatever arrangements she has for her will, insurance, etc., those would be good to know.

      But people live all different kinds of ways happily; I don’t see any reason for you to change things up just because somebody else might not like living in your household. They’re not and you are.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Ha! It’s a mutually-beneficial arrangement between people who like and care about each other. What’s not to love about that! “I do life this way because it suits me and fits with my values” is about the most adult way to be.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      What do you think you should be unhappy about? It sounds like a mutually beneficial relationship for you and your mom. I’m sure she appreciates your company and your presence because of her seizures. You have a very affordable, relatively private (compared to multiple roommates), and comfortable place to live, and your mom can be there for you and your health problems as well. Even if neither of you need active help, you both benefit from having each other there. You haven’t mentioned anything about conflict or arguments, so I assume you get along pretty well. You’ve had experience living on your own and now you’re happy living with your mom. This all sounds good to me. Society may be telling you you should be desperate to move out, but it’s more than OK if you’re not. I think due to the economy and other circumstances, American culture is becoming more accepting of kids who move back in with their parents. So think of yourself as part of a trend and enjoy what you’ve got.

    5. Meepmeep*

      You’re just acting like family. What, are you supposed to leave your mother to have seizures on her own just so you can proudly say you’re “independent”?

      Your mother needs you. You are helping her out because you love her and because she’s your mother.

      I lived with my parents for a year and a half when I was in my late twenties, because my mom was sick and needed help. I could not, in good conscience, do anything else.

      Americans have a really twisted notion of what constitutes family bonds and what constitutes adulthood. Don’t fall for that garbage.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Anybody who tells people they “should” feel differently than they do is being a jerk. Especially when they are trying to spoil someone’s contentment.

      Tell your brain to quit being a jerk.

    7. Why Not!*

      I know this is late, but I think if you enjoy your mom and everything about your situation, and your mental health has improved a ton, why not stay! I just moved back from out-of-state in April and moved back in with my parents. It was supposed to be for just three months before I went back to the state I came from, but one thing led to another (my relationship crumbling, liking the job I came for, etc) and I decided to move back permanently. I am still living with them and I absolutely love it. I definitely miss really being an adult (I’m 27) and living my completely independent life with my ex, but I also really LIKE my parents as people and they really like me. I know that I won’t be living with them forever, but in the meantime while it makes sense for my commute and everything, I will save as much money as I can and enjoy it. I am also an only child, so I think they are just pumped to have me back and not 2,000 miles away still.

  51. I’m weird and awkward*

    This happened to me last week, I felt super awkward about something and shared it in my friend group…. and I didn’t get the response I think I would. Am I being weird or?

    The “awkward moment”—I needed someone to alter some clothes I’ll be wearing to a wedding. I posted in a Facebook group I am specifically for these type of requests and was communicating with the person for a week. She had a family member who worked out of their home. I had made sure to tell her I speak only 2 languages, would the person understand either one? She said it wouldn’t be an issue. So we arranged a time and she said she’d be there.

    I go and I had messaged her that I was coming on our agreed upon time. She seemed surprised I was there and between my getting there and the person opening the door I waited 15 minutes outside? I went in and the person who’d do the work called my contact and we ended up doing everything over FaceTime. She spoke neither language I could speak and my contact was basically translating for us.

    It was simple work that took 5 minutes, she didn’t request payment for it but i gave her $10. I was on my way in 15 minutes.

    this is why I felt awkward—waiting outside for so long as if no one was expecting me, and the FaceTime. I don’t do video calls lol. It threw me off because I just wasn’t expecting it. I know this was a long post but it really wasn’t a huge deal. It’s someone working out of their home so it’s not like I’m gonna get angry and be a Karen about it.

    Anyway so I shared it in my friend group as a “oh gosh I am so awkward, I need to learn this skill so I don’t have to find people to do it” type thing…4 days later some of them responded back that it wasn’t so awkward, they were waiting for the awkward part that never came, and that’s just immigrant culture. The conversation ended there.

    Maybe I’m making too big a deal. It’s not something I’d do again and I’m going to start learning this but I’m not sure my friends’ reactions were.. I dunno.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Did they think the thing you needed to learn was how to alter clothes or how to speak this language so you don’t need a translator?

      I’m not sure which country you’re in, but from my experience growing up in a bilingual family, yeah, sometimes you gotta find the person that can do the translation for you. My cousins and I spent most of our childhoods translating for my grandmother and most of our teen years explaining words or expressions she didn’t quite understand.

      I think this person saying “it wouldn’t be an issue” meant “it won’t be an issue, because we can Facetime and I can translate.” FWIW, I don’t like waiting and I don’t like being on video, so I would find this uncomfortable as well. Not sure if it would rise to the level of my feeling awkward, though.

      1. I’m weird and awkward*

        Well… yeah I’m bilingual too, I just didn’t happen to speak the same language as this person so I’m familiar with people translating for me and vice verse.

        I brought up wanting to learn how to sew just to make my own life a lot easier. It was the waiting and the unexpected FaceTime I think. I think if she had been there in person, I wouldn’t have felt as uncomfortable.

    2. Parenthetically*

      It sounds incredibly awkward to me, but not because of YOU — because your contact didn’t follow through on what she said and promised. She said she’d make arrangements with her family member in advance and she didn’t. She said the language wouldn’t be an issue and it was. She agreed with you to meet at a particular time and then was surprised you showed up? She said she’d be there and she wasn’t.

      It was a weird, awkward situation but your contact is the one who made it awkward by failing to follow through on, like, anything. And your friends are being strange as well, IMO. Not sure what “immigrant culture” says it’s okay to make plans and then flake out on them!

    3. fposte*

      I’m coming at this from a different way. You’ve had friends tell you this was fine, but you’re still characterizing yourself as “weird and awkward” and asking for feedback here. This makes me wonder if you struggle with soothing yourself and moving on from encounters that were out of your comfort zone. What do you think–has this happened for you before? It’s fine to sometimes ask for feedback from friends, but it’s really good to have the skill to 1) accept and believe their reassurance and 2) be able to settle yourself down.

      Some people also find it hard to say “That was weird, but it was them making it weird.” If that’s you, that’s another skill worth developing. It’s also possible that your discomfort with what feels like being critical of somebody else means that when you tell stories about frustrating situations you feel you have to frame it as you messing up. And you really don’t! Look at people here posting about dealing with annoying people–it’s fine to go “Wow, let me tell you about this weird thing somebody did.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Adding it’s okay to feel awkward with something that is unfamiliar. Actually it’s kind of normal.

        Under the heading of learning experiences, you may prefer to take things for repair to established businesses where interaction is easier. This could be a solution for you to use in the future. Personally, I would have not been able to wait the 15 minutes because I would have felt pretty awkward and self-conscious.

        If I am going to a stranger’s house I prefer to have someone go with me the first time and I have gone with others because other people feel the same way. By this, I mean, we meet some where and travel together to the person’s house.

        I think the use of FT to remedy the communication gap was some quick and good thinking. Good use of technology.

        I think it’s okay for you to feel awkward and it’s okay for your friends not to make a big deal out of it as if you did something wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong.

      3. lasslisa*

        Yes! Sometimes you have to look back and say, the situation was imperfect, am I happy with the choices *I* made? Yes, I wish there had been another option and that things had gone — but did *I* make generally reasonable choices and comport myself appropriately?

        Not even “is there something I could have done differently”, because this seems like it all worked out fine. So there’s nothing to troubleshoot except your lingering feelings of malaise.

    4. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      This does sound like an awkward situation but not because of anything you did. It does seem like cultural context is at play here, but for your friend to tell you “be here at x time” and then to seem surprised when you arrive is odd. There ARE a lot of cultures were punctuality is not a thing, so being 15 minutes-ish late is normal, but acting like you weren’t supposed to show up is odd.

  52. Jedi Squirrel*

    I bought a Chromebook. I’m not sure I like it, but I’m not sure I hate it. (Specifically, I hate trackpads, but I am getting used to it.) It does not always give me the option to enter my pin when it’s asleep and I open the lid. Sometimes I have to close and open the lid once or twice before I get that option. I’m sure it’s something I’m doing wrong or a setting I have not fine-tuned.

    It is a hell of a lot easier to type on this Chromebook than on my phone, however. +1 for that!

    So…anyone else have a Chromebook and have rants, raves, tips they want to share?

    1. Washi*

      I LOVE my chromebook and don’t understand why more people don’t get them! My chromebook cost $200 and is lighter and faster to start up than your average laptop, and it’s lasted 3 years thus far in perfect working order.

      Can you not just plug a mouse into the USB port so you don’t need to deal with the trackpad? That’s what I would do with mine if I cared more.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I usually use a trackball, but my thumbs always drag on the trackpad and cause issues. I guess I should have taken piano lessons!

    2. OyHiOh*

      I have a Chromebook also. I got it used, two years ago and it’s still in perfect order.

      The most helpful shortcut for me was figuring out the CAPS LOCK mode. I write scripts so learning that one (alt + search) was critical to typing fast and well.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I was so mad that there was no caps lock key, but I figured out how to switch that search key to caps lock instead, and now I use it normally. The littlest things, sometimes…

        1. OyHiOh*

          Oooo! How did you do that! That would be much better since I don’t use the search key for its intended purpose, ever.

      2. Misty*

        I’ve had my chromebook for almost a year and I just realized that there is no caps lock by reading this thread lol I guess I haven’t been paying much attention !

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Not the same, but I have a keyboard and a mouse plugged into my laptop. I can’t stand the feel of the keyboard on the laptop and the trackpad makes me want to toss the laptop out because it is so annoying.
      My boss got a wireless mouse for her set-up and she is enjoying it totally.

    4. Tris Prior*

      The main thing that drives me nuts is the lack of capslock key.
      And the different keyboard commands that I had to get used to, since I am a mac user. (I couldn’t justify a new macbook when mine died, though, as I mainly used it for Internet and basic google doc work; I have a desktop that’s still chugging along to do the graphic design heavy lifting.)

      Overall, though, I’m pretty happy with it.

      1. OyHiOh*

        alt + search — keyboard shortcut for caps lock. I write scripts. Depending on the particular format I need to conform to, I need to all caps anything from just character names to names and dialog. I did not like my Chromebook until I learned that shortcut!

    5. GoryDetails*

      Not sure what would cause your problems with the sporadic PIN-prompt; maybe a different version of the hardware? Mine’s never given me any problems of that kind (knock on wood) and I’ve had it for at least three years now. I really love it for both in-home use and for travel; it’s lightweight and has great resolution, and generally does everything I need from a laptop.

      The only tip I have to share is one common to laptops (and desktops, I suppose): I keep a slice of sticky-note over the camera, so that if anybody hacked into my WiFi they couldn’t see me. Since I don’t do a lot of video/face-time stuff and never really use the camera, I suppose it’s unlikely that it’d be hacked at all, but the sticky-note is a very quick and easy way to make sure!

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Lol! I have a piece of blue painter’s tape over mine on all my machines. That freaks me out, too.

    6. Fikly*

      Not all Chromebooks are created equal. And sometimes you get what you pay for. Yours may have a bug/not be working properly, rather than a setting you have not fine tuned.

      I am on my third one. I loved my first. The second was a lemon and I am highly resentful. Love my third.

      I moved to the Chromebook from a $3k gaming ready laptop, had been used to that kind of setting for years. I was expecting to use the Chromebook in addition to that laptop. Instead, when I happened to drift away from the gaming, I moved completely to the Chromebook, and never looked back.

  53. merp*

    Day 5 of my cat Mabel doing well! Appreciate the good wishes of folks here when I’ve commented about it! Never know what will happen next but things are ok right now.

    Unrelated: considering buying a house. It felt impossible until something recently, and suddenly it’s… so appealing. Does anyone here own a condo in a complex type situation? What are your thoughts? It seems risky to me to own where it’s not free standing bc what if your neighbors are terrible!

    2. Gatomon*

      Aww I hope Mabel gets well soon!

      Yes, I own a condo in a complex. It’s a townhouse-style development, so just shared walls and a shared park area as a backyard. I’ve been here 6 months, and so far it’s been great. I had been living in large apartment complexes for 10 years prior to this, so shared walls are nothing new to me. I looked at places that were similar but considered townhomes, but because of that they were quite a bit more expensive and in less desirable places. Condos aren’t nearly as expensive here.

      Most of my neighbors are renters (there’s no rental restriction here), but I haven’t had any issues with them. I don’t really know them, which is my preference, to be honest. There are some young families and some young adults like myself. It’s a fairly working-class crowd, which I’ve always found is the best mix for any place I’ve lived in. At least in my town, the party crowd tend to prefer to live in either cheap housing near the college campus, downtown, or in the large luxury apartment complexes. There are some ill-reputed trailer parks that attract the nefarious types, but none of the trailer parks in my area are like that.

      My development is about 20 years old. There’s a mix of housing and business around – within a few blocks are a community center, a brewery, a couple trailer parks, some townhomes, single-family homes, an HVAC company, a towing company, a home repair outlet (yesssss), an organic grocer and a mechanic. This neighborhood was mixed development before that became all the rage, honestly, and I love that about it. Soon I’ll be able to cross a major road safely via underpass and get to the riverfront trail complex where $500,000 condos are sold for less than half that price. I’m also <10 minutes from work.

  54. Disco Janet*

    Husband had a vasectomy yesterday, and I am so relieved that he’s had no pain at all so far! They did then I scalpel method, so that’s probably why. I’m 99% happy and so done with sleepless nights and diaper changes and all that, and 1% “aww we’ll really never have a little, tiny newborn again! And definitely no future daughter.” Kind of bittersweet I guess – though I am happy to have our kids getting to the age where our lives are slooooowly getting back to “normal.” Where you can go to a restaurant and just chat instead of having the focus being on teaching restaurant manners, for example.

    1. Anon Here*

      I thought vasectomies were often reversible? As in it often works but don’t count on it? Or does that vary by the type of procedure?

      1. Natalie*

        There’s a surgical procedure to potentially reverse a vasectomy, they don’t spontaneous reverse on their own. The published failure rate is 1 in 1400.

      2. Disco Janet*

        They do two tests one month apart afterwards to officially make sure there’s no sperm and it failing after passing those tests is exceedingly rare, so no, I think you’re mixed up. Perhaps you’re thinking of the fact that often they can be reversed voluntarily – like if the guy changes his mind and wants another kid after all – but that is not always successful, so you shouldn’t have a vasectomy unless you intend for it to be permanent.

      3. Anon Here*

        Yes! By “reversible,” I meant voluntarily, through a surgical procedure that is not always effective.

        I know it’s not like installing a light switch! Although that would be pretty funny. (And convenient, now that I think of it, but I know we’re not there just yet.)

        1. Anon Here*

          Right. My point was that it’s not definite that they won’t have another kid. They just made a birth control choice that might or might not be permanent.

  55. Moop*

    MIL vent:

    While she has never criticised me openly, I know MIL disapproves of aspects of my parenting. While on the topic of my kids doing chores, MIL said, “You know, we never made our kids do anything at home. If you battle with them they’ll grow up to hate you. When they move out they learn how to do things in their own time. You know they will do it and be just fine.”

    Right. When my husband and I married it took literally years of fighting for him to put his own dirty cups away, tidy up the bathroom after washing the baby, how to do the laundry without wrecking delicate items, and having raw groceries in the fridge doesn’t mean complaining “there’s nothing to eat at home” – it means he has to cook. He’s a lot better now but *I* basically taught and trained him on how to be a functional, adult member of our household. She has no idea how much I judged her and FIL’s parenting early on in my marriage because my husband grew up not being required to do basic chores and had no idea how.

    I also held back pointing out her other son is an irresponsible potato. Don’t even get me started on him.

    1. tangerineRose*

      It’s good for kids to do chores and to start learning stuff that will help them be functional adults. Your MIL is just wrong.

        1. valentine*

          Tell her the middle paragraph and that, for some people, your husband’s knowledge gap would be a dealbreaker.

          1. Observer*

            There is nothing to be gained by this.

            MIL *is* flat out wrong. But as long as she doesn’t tell the kids that their mom is horrible, it’s the kind of thing that’s best in one ear and out the other. And, give her as few chances to spout off as possible.

      4. Filosofickle*

        The best gift my parents gave me was making sure I knew how to do things. They prepared me for adulthood — how to fix/clean things, how to manage money, how to cook, how to make decisions. I could not be more grateful for their guidance. You’re doing the right thing by them.

        My BF grew up in a house where he didn’t do chores. Not even simple things, like helping clean the table after dinner. He is not useless as an adult, far from it! He cleans and stuff. But there are times when I wonder if he thinks fairies just take care of things.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          That is actually what parents are SUPPOSED to do. You’re SUPPOSED to teach kids to be independent, emotionally aware adults!

          If the MIL’s parents did this with her and she didn’t learn it until later, she might be thinking that the adulting struggle is just normal. Or her parents might have made her learn it and resentment may have led her to think, “I’m never going to do that to MY kids.”

          Regardless, if it’s within the child’s capabilities, it’s a huge disservice to them if you don’t teach them to take care of themselves.

          1. Filosofickle*

            It’s 100% true that’s their job. Mom always said their one job was to raise us to leave. So many of my friends didn’t have this, though. (Money and cooking seem to be their most important gaps.)

            However, my parents didn’t teach much around emotional awareness. Through my 20s/30s I marveled that my two parents together had every life skill covered — sewing, cooking, building, fixing, money, school, long-range planning, gardening, jobs, even people-y things like navigating customer service and government bureaucracy. But at some point I realized there was one set of things they didn’t teach us, and that’s social-emotional development. I came into adulthood fully equipped for everything except how to build relationships and grow as a person.

    2. Rebecca*

      Your mother in law is wrong. My dad’s mom was way ahead of her time! She had 2 girls and 2 boys, and Dad was the youngest, born in 1934. She made dad and his brother learn to cook, wash clothes, clean, sew buttons on shirts, fix socks, etc. Each child learned the same things – when the boys grumbled, she told them she wouldn’t be around forever to cook and fix their clothes, and they needed to be able to do things for themselves. I have socks that my dad fixed, and they are fixed well – heavy wool socks darned correctly – that his mother taught him years ago. He was very self sufficient.

      1. Meepmeep*

        My dad was born in 1938 and did all sorts of chores growing up. As a result, he can survive on his own without a caretaker. When my parents had to live apart for 3 years due to work reasons, my father did just fine on his own.

        They’re friends with another elderly couple or about the same age. When the wife went out of town for a few days, she had to leave frozen meals for her husband because otherwise he’d starve. And even so, he ate raw hot dogs because he ran out of freezer meals and he didn’t know that hot dogs needed to be cooked. I can’t imagine being that helpless.

    3. Selmarie*

      This may be bigger than this specific criticism. As in, she’s overstepping boundaries and it’s making for a worse relationship between you and her, and if your kids know her views, it will make your job with them harder (“grandma says we shouldn’t have to do any of this!”). So it may call for a bigger conversation. She raised her kids as she saw fit; you and your husband are raising your kids as you see fit. And I really hope your husband is on board with you in terms of both dealing with his parents and raising your kids.

      My nephew learned the hard way to do laundry himself — bleach ruined a load of the few pair of dockers he owned, and it was a hardship to have to buy more. And when he moved from his first apartment to his second, it was a matter of throwing away silverware because eeeew! and no time to soak it all. And did I mention he had a dishwasher? There’s much more, but you get the idea. Yes, he learned, but at what cost?

      And I think if you are part of a family, it’s a good idea to foster a sense of everyone pitching in to care for the family, and if it’s presented that way from early on, it’s just a healthy lifestyle (as opposed to everything being done for the kids, effectively stunting them). My two cents!

      1. Moop*

        She’s actually pretty good at respecting my parenting. This is the first time in many years she has made a comment. I don’t have a problem with her regularly interfering with my parenting methods; but this one remark was eye-rolley.

        I mean, it would actually be easier on me to not get the kids to do any chores. It’s more efficient if I do all the laundry and clean up myself rather than getting my kids to pitch in, and deal with their complaints and slowness and messy, inexperienced ways of doing housework. But I’d rather they learn how to do all this crap now rather than later.

        1. Observer*

          You are doing your kids a HUGE favor. I know too many parents who are so hung up on the housework being “right” that they don’t let their kids do any. It never goes well – best case the kids DO learn but have a lot more trouble and stress than they should have had.

          1. tangerineRose*

            You’re also doing them a favor knowing they’re going to be messy at first and not expecting perfection. Kids whose parents expect them to be mini adults who can get everything right every way… well, it’s not easy.

        2. coffee cup*

          I think rolling your eyes and moving on is the best way forward if she’s otherwise fine. There’s always something somebody thinks you (one) could be doing better or differently.

        3. Selmarie*

          Glad to know this isn’t a symptom of bigger problems! Yes, my sister probably started too late with my nephew, and then when she tried (and really needed the help), it wasn’t worth the nagging, arguing, and slap-dash results. So, he’s learning by trial and error, with some expensive- for-him errors.

    4. sure he will figure it out eventually*

      Fortunately I have my 70 year old husband’s cousin for verify that he never had to so much as pick up a plate off a dinner table. I pick my fights but every once in a while, I may take a photo with my phone of all the dishes in the sink when I came home from work and the empty dishwasher racks. I send them in an instant message with a note that says, the dishwasher is dirty. Or one of the kitchen garbage with a note that says This is what a full garbage can looks like.

    5. MOAS*

      Groan. I see this mentality so often in families, and it’s almost always the boys not having to do chores while the daughters turn into mini moms/housewives. Ick.

      Although I’ll be honest I was “spoiled” my parents never made me do anything. When I did eventually get married, I found out that I loved to cook but hated to clean. I always hated having to do certain chores and I would feel so bad about hating those chores and growing up spoiled. I’m better now and my husbabd is great with Chores and I will definitely make my kids do this stuff too.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Or the boys doing the outside chores while the girls do the inside ones. That’s the way my ex grew up. I did both at our house, but it wasn’t until after we broke up that I realized how little housework other than dishes he did after I moved in. Ugh.

        1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

          I don’t love this set up, but at least it involves SOME labor division. I know some women in relationships where their live in partner is totally useless – they do everything, from putting away the dishes, to maintenance/home fix-ups, to gardening. I feel like millennial men are even worse than their parents.

    6. Meepmeep*

      And that’s how you raise someone who is unable to perform basic self-care skills and requires their partner to act as a substitute mommy/caretaker.

      I don’t think I could resist the temptation to get on a high horse about this issue if I were you.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      My opinion tends to run pretty strong here so take it with a grain of salt.
      My parents did not believe in teaching. So they never taught me anything. It took me years to work through my anger toward them for doing that.
      I learned how to iron by plugging in an iron and tossing a shirt on the ironing board and hoping nothing blew up or caught fire. Cooking also involved praying I did not have to call the fire company.

      One friend said something that was healing for me when I mentioned this to him, he said, “WHAT?! Isn’t that the point of having kids to teach them things and to show them things then watch their little faces light up?”

      Thank you, Friend.

      I finally landed on failure to teach your children is a form of child neglect. Even animals in the wild KNOW they have to show their young basic survival skills.
      It’s amazing you guys are still married. No one likes a helpless spouse, regardless of gender.

      I think I would just tell MIL, “I think we can just agree to disagree on this point and move on to other topics.” Even if you did eventually get her to agree with you, it still won’t undo all the damage she has done. And she has done a lotta fn damage. Believe me, I know.

      1. Zona the Great*

        My mother’s motto and her mother’s motto was that their one job as parents was to ensure their children were completely independent. When/if I become a parent, this along with, “and make the world a better place” shall be my motto too.

      2. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        My parents didn’t actually teach me anything because my mom was a control freak about the way she ran her kitchen, and my dad was more inclined to spoil me than anything. Both are also kind of quick-tempered and didn’t have patience for me flubbing things as a kid, which unfortunately is part of the learning process. I picked up a lot of stuff through observation, though, and I like to think I inherited some of the innate talents my parents have. I also learned some stuff through my jobs. I experimented with cooking a lot once I moved to my own apartment and can make some decent recipes now.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My ex-ILs literally had a house rule that “Lastname men don’t do housework.”

      He extended that rule to “any kind of work,” which is why he’s an ex, but he told his sister repeatedly not to let his nephew grow up that way. (While steadfastly refusing to change his own behavior. I don’t even know.)

    9. Everdene*

      Oak and his sister weren’t allowed in the kitchen in case they burnt themelves. Neither are good cooks (Oak is awful but fnally trying to learn). This is just an example. I think you need to teach kids, give them a purpose and show them how to pull their weight in a household and care for themselves and others. You are right, MIL is wrong. (My MIL would come to the house and horrified say ‘Look at all l those dishes! Let me help’ and I would say ‘No. Oak said he would do it. They will sit there till he does it’. I shouldn’t have had to have that conversation.

    10. ArtK*

      Score: You: 1 MIL: 0
      When she’s being snarky, use this incident to remind yourself exactly how valuable your MIL’s opinion on things is.

    11. Dan*

      So…

      My mother never verbally expressed any “reasoning” for the things she did (or did not) teach her kids (at least me anyway.) Growing up, I never did laundry, cooked, or any other skill that any legit man child should have learned as a kid but stereotypically didn’t.

      That said, I learned how to be an adult out of my own volition, and today, most people complement my cooking. (I still don’t separate whites from colors, use bleach or fabric softener, but I digress.)

      There’s no excuse for MIL’s rationale. Learning these things outside of my mother’s house didn’t make me a better adult.

      One of my chief reasons for learning to cook was that right after college, one job I had was working midnights. “Lunch break” was at 2am, and the only thing open at that time of night was Del Taco, Taco Bell, and McDonalds. That got old fast, so I learned to cook.

    12. KoiFeeder*

      I mean, I nearly burnt my dorm down a few times as it is, and my parents tried to teach me how to do things. I would be a menace to society if I was trying to figure out cooking and cleaning on my own.

    13. Pucci*

      Part of your job as a parent is to teach your kids how to be a functioning adult. Chores are part of that process!

    14. Maya Elena*

      It’s hard to know without context of how passove-aggressive your MIL is in general, and how reliably your husband takes your side (which he should: thmareiage is his first loyalty now) but if it’s an odd hand comment where she doesn’t otherwise criticize you to your face or to your husband, then I’d let it go as just an observation rather than a criticism. My MIL likes me and shows me this in many ways, by still says all sorts of things in the moment occasionally; and when I figured that out, that there’s no actual continuous disapproval burning somewhere on there, it made the comments easier to brush off.

    15. RagingADHD*

      My favorite reply to this is, “In our home, everybody helps each other, and everybody has important things to contribute.”

    17. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      NOOO.

      My friend and I (we are both female) were just complaining the other day how we wish all the straight men in our lives – whom we either live/have lived with – could take a home ec class or something, because so many of them don’t seem to know how to do basic chores. I know #notallmen, but there is just a common theme of cis-straight-men not having any concept of picking up after themselves, keeping surfaces tidy and neat, etc. etc. I mean, girls will end up the same way if they don’t do chores growing up, so it’s important either way.

  56. silverpie*

    Update on Leia (cat): The lab indicated the lymph sample wasn’t good enough. Vet wants us to come early next week to try again. We don’t think we should have to pay again on their mistake, are checking into other vets.

    Seriously, the not knowing is really stressing us all out.

    1. Lilo*

      Context matters here: which people?

      In general, ask yourself: does it really matter if these particular people believe you? If they don’t, eff ’em, if they don’t support you in your time of need, they aren’t people you need in your life.

      1. Anon, please....*

        dad was arrested for looking at child porn on our family computer when i was 11 years old. my dad is a spoiled piece of shit lacking in empathy, who physically abused my mother and had no boundaries wiht me. but he’s not a pedophile (Cold comfort)

        two years ago i dated a guy who knew the base level of this, but didn’t care to know more. didn’t care to know how it affected me, how it hurt me, the subtleties of what happened and the trauma that came with being his daughter. it was published in our local paper and my family (and particularly the children) were pariahs.

        so, he knew it was published, and he knew fighting in public/airing issues in public was a sore spot for me. on a very base level.

        he had decided he didn’t want to see me anymore. the way he decided to express this was to get very, very drunk in a bar in my hometown. he started sreaming that my father was a pedophile, that i was trash and that he would never, ever want to meet my family.

        later that night he wouldn’t let up when i told him i didn’t want ot have sex with him. he kept pawing at me for about 10 minutes before i finally got him to stop. he had 10 inches and maybe 80 lbs on me, and he terrified me when he was drunk and angry. which was often bc he’s almost definitely a high functioning alcoholic.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          That guy was trash. Good riddance he is gone from your life.

          It’s people like him that cause offenders to get away with what they do.

          Not everyone thinks you and your sibs are pariahs, some folks can be very empathetic and not know how to respond. This happens often enough that it’s worthwhile seeking out people who DO understand and do know how to respond. I hope at some point you can find a trustworthy therapist.

          You say your dad was prosecuted. Does the district attorney’s office have a crime victim’s specialist on staff? You can check online, google the district attorney for your area. See if the webpage mentions a crime victim specialist. If yes, call them or visit. Explain who your dad was/is. Ask them to give you some reliable/low cost resources where you can get help.

        2. Observer*

          Good heavens! What a piece of trash. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter whether someone like that believes you or not, because you still really really don’t want them in your life.

          It sounds to me like therapy would be a good idea for you – with a very specific aim in mind. Helping you to act in your own interest. The minute the guy started showing you what he is, you should have dumped him. Ask yourself why that didn’t happen. I don’t mean that you “deserved” what he did and how he dumped you. I mean that you don’t have to keep dating someone who isn’t good to you, and for your own welfare you should think about why you didn’t walk away. If you can figure that out, and figure out how to change things enough so you are not so stuck that would be a very good thing for you.

    2. fposte*

      I’m so sorry. I hope “was” means that you’re safe now.

      I think Captain Awkward has had some posts on this; your choices probably depend on who those people are (like, were they married or related to the people they abused you, or are they friends?) and what it is you want to have happen, but I think finding new people is often a better option than convincing the existing inventory. It also sounds like something therapy might be useful in helping to negotiate–abuse leaves you with a hell of a cognitive load.

      I hope you soon find understanding from people you care for.

    3. Survivor*

      *hugs* I am in a similar place. Over the summer I had a near breakdown after witnessing a domestic violence incident and spiraled into a PTSD episode. My father died 10 years ago, I have told people he was abusive- physically and emotionally, but I never told a soul he also sexually abused me. When I had my PTSD break I told my mother and brothers, and my brothers said I was lying and my mother hasn’t spoken to me since.
      It hurts so much, it is so painful that the people who should love me and protect me didn’t and won’t. But that is on them, they aren’t capable of admitting that it happened, they are protecting their own psyche. So I have to let them all go. I can’t have a relationship with people who do not believe me.

      I hope you are safe now, and please know you know your truth. People don’t want to believe it for whatever reason they don’t want to believe it, but that is about them, not you. Their disbelief isn’t about you, it is a judgment of you.

      I hope that you are able to find a therapist to help you get through this period, and I truly hope you are safe. *HUGS*

    5. Anon Here*

      I can relate. I’ve survived a lot of violence and ensuing hardships. I talk to anyone who will listen and tell them about it. It’s never been taken seriously. No one even knows what happened. People don’t want to know. I just deal with a lot of judgment and ridicule for the results – the toll it took on my body, career, and finances. By now, the statutes of limitations have mostly expired and there isn’t much hard evidence anymore. So I just have to keep dealing with it in isolation.

      Some people have recommended therapy. I know that it can be beneficial, but in my experience, a lot of therapists will advise against taking legal action. Including counselors at domestic violence orgs. They shouldn’t be doing that because they aren’t legal professionals, but they do. If you seek counseling, try to find someone who will respect and support your choices.

      My life has gotten a lot better. I have friends. Just no one I can talk with about this particular topic. It can be really alienating. But there are other people who are going through the same thing and you can find them and heal from it together. Just know you’re not alone, and keep seeking out better situations and kinder people.

  59. Rebecca*

    I had a mildly interesting week! First, I got myself a birthday present – a Samsung 32″ curved computer monitor with speakers and a remote control :P It was half price, free delivery to the store, and I just couldn’t resist. I watch stuff in my room on my already decent sized monitor via streaming, but this is sure to be da bomb! I’m picking it up this afternoon when I go for the weekly grocery run.

    I still have this cold virus misery to some extent, I don’t feel like doing anything, my sinuses are clogged and unhappy, but I am grateful no fever, earache, sore throat, aches, pains, stomach distress, nothing else other than congestion and tiredness that doesn’t want to go away. Maybe another few days?? Taking zinc supplements, getting my sunshine, drinking liquids, etc.

    I went to the dentist earlier in the week and had a filling replaced that had gone missing after 45+ years. No idea what happened to it, I probably ate it! I was terrified, as my first dentist when I was a child was a stern ex army dentist who cared very little about comfort, pain, or anything, and to this day unless it’s a simple cleaning, I go into full panic mode. But, I am proud to report, I didn’t require numbing, the new filling is in, I can’t even see it (the I have 4 others from the dark ages and they’re the old silver fillings), and my dentist, who I graduated from high school with, assured me he would not hurt me, and he didn’t.

    The most interesting thing was the stuff I found on my walk around the neighborhood at work on Thursday. I take the same route each lunch time, and thought, ugh, kids threw fast food stuff in the ally again. I got closer, and it wasn’t fast food stuff, it was basically someone’s entire life strewn on the ground: 4 social security cards, 3 birth records (matching 3 of the cards), a photo employment ID (matching the 4th SS card), utility bills, pay stub, tax return prepaid Visa card, various notes, receipts, etc. At first I thought – OMG – then I thought, I cannot leave all of this on the ground in an alley. So I gathered it up, went back to my office, called our local police dept, and an officer was there within an hour to collect it all. I looked up the address on the utility bill online in Google maps, and it was about 2 1/2 blocks down and over a block from where this was found. I printed off a copy of the map and marked the spot where I found everything for them. The officer said he’d get to the bottom of it. I’ve been checking the local newspaper site to see if there were reports of a burglary, missing person, etc. It looked like this was a woman’s ID with her 3 kid’s ID’s, I could be wrong, but the dates on the birth records pointed to kids of school age. I hope everything is OK with her. I can’t imagine having all my personal stuff just strewn around outside like that! I’ve been wondering, was it a burglary, a vindictive ex, did something else happen? If I see any updates I’ll post them.

    Last, this is the first tax year since I was 22 years old that I am filing just for myself, using the EZ form. It’s sort of hard to fathom.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Sounds wonderful!
      And kudos on the taxes
      I’m in anxiety as I (although a math wonk) am in a whole new situation too. Think able to deduct my school loan interest (paid off this year). As a result of that milestone, I was able to start doing my first year of contributing to a Roth and a 403b. I may or may not be able to do a Roth conversion, I may or may not have done everything… Nervous and want to make sure I get it right, so I will go back to the CPA this year again.
      I decided my anxiety is best assuaged by spending the money to get my questions answered.
      I look forward to the day I can do my own again.
      It is also odd to have the money set aside and not be bled dry. Its such an odd feeling when you haven’t known that for a long time.
      So proud of you, as always. Stay warm.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Rebecca, I just want to tell you that I look forward to reading your update every weekend!

    3. Anon question*

      Hi! This will sound naive but how did you know to contact the police about the stuff on the ground? I would also have thought I shouldn’t leave it there but I would have had no idea what to do with it.

      I probably would have called the employer on her ID and asked for her and hoped she still worked there.

      1. Rebecca*

        I figured they would be the most trustworthy people to deal with it. I found a wallet a little over a year ago, and called them. I also see the patrol officers and wave to them, say hi, so… This was basically this woman’s entire life laying on the ground for anyone to pick up and use – for an identity thief, it was a gold mine. Her info, her kid’s info, employer, social security number and original card, every single thing a person would need to completely wreck someone’s life for years to come. Plus, I didn’t know if something had happened to her, so the police can look into contacting her, finding out if she’s OK, was their a burglary, etc. I didn’t want to call her employer and get mixed up with that – this could have been something completely outside of her control, and I didn’t want it to end up being some major infraction that she lost her badge, etc.

        1. Anon question*

          Ah, that makes sense! I was thinking she just lost her purse and not that there might be bigger problems the police would need to handle.

          Now you mention it, it does sound like the setup for a Law and Order episode!

    4. CAA*

      Sounds like the woman might have been on the way to or from having her taxes done and lost the paperwork. I’m volunteering at a VITA site this year and that’s exactly the kind of paperwork people have to bring in so we can do their returns. Thank you for caring enough to get it back to her!

      Also, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you there’s no more 1040-EZ form. Now we just have the regular 1040 and the 1040-SR for seniors. The new 1040 is shorter because certain politicians promised it would fit on a postcard (it still doesn’t), but they had to create 6 new schedules in order to accomplish that. So what used to be a 2-page tax return now might be up to 8 pages, most of which are white space.

      1. Rebecca*

        Oh man, no EZ form??? Ugh. I nearly spit soda out my nose when I saw “fit on a postcard”. OMG. If only it were that easy!!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am glad the dentist appointment went well for you. At best this is not fun.

      But finding that personal info in the alley like that, holy crap! She is so lucky you found it. I fully expect you to have some good news in a bit, as the good deed you did here comes back to you in a different form.

      Yeah. Form EZ. I get it.

    6. Nervous Nellie*

      Happy birthday to YOOOOUU! The monitor sounds awesome, and yay about the dentist! And kudos for your act of citizenship – if I was that woman whose docs you found, I would be so relieved and grateful. Fingers crossed that the harm to her was minimal.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Fillings now are SO much better than they used to be. They use that stuff and the light hardens them super fast, and it barely even hurts. Even the injections are better. My last dentist would numb the gum before they did the injection. I remember my childhood dentist using a huge needle and it took ages and hurt so much. He was nice and tried to do it as best he could, but the technology is so much better now.

      I do miss the spit sink, though. I don’t like reclining so far, so the sucky thing is my friend.

  60. Filosofickle*

    Long story about rodents, skip on by if that’s safer for your mental health!

    I just caught my first mouse and now I have to deal with that. Ugh.

    A decade ago we had a big rat problem. We got everything sealed up (and sanitized) at the time, but I am totally traumatized from weeks of rats on kitchen counters and FSM knows where else. It haunts me!

    So when I saw a mouse in the kitchen, in broad daylight, you can imagine it freaked me out. I searched every corner of the kitchen and found a few vulnerable spots (one previously fixed spot had gotten unfixed) and sealed them. I hoped that was that. Then a few weeks later I saw it (or its buddy) again. And then in the stove! Literally, hiding in the back of the stove. And in a bedroom closet! JFC. There’s never just 1 rodent but there’s this fairy tale I’m telling myself that all we have is one that got trapped in here because I fixed the holes and he can’t get out. But it’s probably not that. At least it’s mice and they don’t seem to be climbing, which is the only reason I can sleep at night.

    Here’s the confusing part: I have been crawling around with a flashlight for weeks now and there is zero evidence, other than sightings. No traces, no nibbles, no shreds, no poop, no nests. Nothing. Where the F are they living? Where are they going? I can’t fix this problem if I can’t find the source. The stove, where I can’t see it, is the best guess.

    My BF does not get how much this is upsetting me. He’ll help me if I ask explicitly. But he doesn’t seem to get why it’s important to clean everywhere, check every baseboard, investigate every corner. We have to know where they are and where they’re going to get rid of them. Worse, I’m sick. I have a chest cold. I’m doing the best I can. I’m frustrated.

    1. Rebecca*

      I have 2 cats, but noticed a mouse issue where they couldn’t get into. There are enclosed mouse traps that are very effective, I got them at the dollar store, “d-con ultra set mouse traps”. I baited them with peanut butter and caught two mice pretty quickly; because they’re enclosed, you can dispose of the carcass fairly easily; and I reuse the traps. I hope this helps, and hope that you feel better!

      **country person, not squeamish, we have mice and critters all around as we live near woods, fields, etc.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I’m not super squeamish but I’m also not super brave. It was caught in a snap trap (using PB). After avoiding it for a bit, I pulled up my socks and handled it. It’s bagged, trap and all, safe in an outside trash bin. I got the cheap wood ones so I could toss it entirely.

        Feeling like I’ve done my adulting for the day. My BF is gone for the day or I would have asked him to do it, but I’m a grownup and this is something I should be able to handle so I’m glad I did.

    2. fposte*

      If you own, I’d just find a well reviewed local pest control and make the call. I bring them in about once a year. Especially in nicely mature buildings it’s pretty much impossible to completely seal them, and I found it a relief to move from hypervigilance to management.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Unfortunately, I rent. And it’s a 110 year old building with 3 units, so it’s really really hard to control.

        My landlord will call a pest company — I’ll have to bug her since she hasn’t responded yet. She did that last time. But we’re the ones, day over day, who have to live with it so I decided to start by doing this. Last time all we had to do is seal up and they all vanished, so no body count.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          110 years old? Age gives me another idea–check if there’s a gap between molding & ceiling. Builders of any age sometimes cut corners if they can get away with it.
          Also from a friend in a waterfront city–insert steel wool in gaps around radiator pipes, utility lines, etc. Rodents don’t like chewing metal. Fasten with cheap wire if they pull any out.
          Good luck, I love rodents in cages but wild ones are hella destructive.

        2. That Girl from Quinn's House*

          When I rented in smaller, older buildings, we’d get a mouse here or there, 1 a year or so. What helped was putting out an excessive number of traps, and using caulk or spray insulation to close up all of the holes. For bigger holes you can use metal mesh, like the kind you’d use on a gutter.

          The hardware store will scoff at you and say, “There’s no such thing as just one mouse, you have an INFESTATION,” but frankly that’s the landlord’s problem not mine. All I needed to do is keep them inside the walls so they move on to someone else’s apartment, and these preventative measures worked fine for that purpose.

          1. Filosofickle*

            That’s a reassuring perspective, that we might actually only have the one. I’ll keep going room by room and looking for those tiny holes to seal. I totally agree that all I need to do is keep them in the walls.

            The next place I live in, it will be worth spending a few hours inspecting & sealing all the corners while the place is still empty . This is my 4th battle in 2 apartments, and I can’t do it again! Have caulk gun, will travel.

    3. Chaordic One*

      When I was in college I lived in a rented trailer house (it was a 12′ x 45′) and it became infested with mice. There were small gaps under the kitchen sink where the holes for the pipes running up to the sink were larger than the pipes and the mice were crawling up through the gaps. At first it was just mice droppings under the kitchen sink, but then one day I saw one peeking out from the gap between the refrigerator and the kitchen cupboard next to it.

      My killer instinct took over and went after that mouse with a broom. He (or she) ran to the back of the gap and then behind the refrigerator. I pulled on the refrigerator and I pulled and pulled and pulled and finally, it budged forward. Somehow while I was doing all that pulling the mouse managed to run off and I never did find it. I learned that one of the reasons the refrigerator was so hard to move was that it had been screwed to the wall. I pulled so hard I ended up pulling the screws out of the wall.

      I stuffed steel wool tightly into the gaps between the pipes and the holes for them and never seemed to have any more problems with mice in the house. I never said anything to the landlord when I moved about pulling out the refrigerator from the wall. I just pushed it back in place.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Oh geez! Yeah, I had the landlord send a good handyman (not her usual guy, I made sure of that) and he helped me seal around all the cabinet and pipe gaps. This house had holes everywhere! (That’s what 100 years of half-assed renovations will get you.) I have steel wool shoved in anything that can’t be covered. It’s a lot easier to rat-proof than mouse-proof, though. They can get in the tiniest spaces.

    4. Gatomon*

      I went through a mouse infestation this summer, so I empathize! Mine were living in the garage and the walls, I assume. I only ever saw evidence there, on top of the dishwasher and in the upstairs air return, but that has cutouts for electrical to run through. One day I’ll have some other reason to open the wall and probably find a horror show, but for now what I don’t see can’t hurt me….

      There’s an electronic zapper trap you can get that works really well, you don’t ever have to see or touch the mice once it’s gone off and it’s reuseable. I baited mine with a cat kibble instead of peanut butter since that would make easier cleaning, and it’s stinky enough to attract mice. I placed it in the garage. The main entrance was my broken garage door, so between that and sealing the crawlspace, I haven’t caught or seen evidence of mice since.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Thanks! For sure, I don’t ever want to see inside these walls or behind the cabinets. Honestly the best I can hope for is keeping them contained. >.<

  61. Laura H.*

    Opened my first solo bank account today! With plenty of time to get things transferred between accounts as I need them. (I have an account with a different bank I’m going to leave open because there are some benefits that are quite useful). Any tips on how to best use the accounts?

    Both are checking but I’ll only use actual checks with my older account- Checks are free/ included/ I have some on that one.

    Deposits from jobs and such will go into one account and then distributed between the two (don’t have numbers on how yet but)

    Bills/ auto transactions- I think I want to distribute those across accounts/ not have one account bearing all the departing autopay transactions. When is a good timeframe to evaluate that and disperse if needed?

    Now to get the sheets from the dryer so that the house laundry appliances are free for others to use. Have a lovely weekend.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have three checking acc… four checking accounts. One is for strictly dire emergencies only, two is for anything I need to write a paper check for and tends to hold a small amount of savings, three is with an actual local bank, and four is my main checking account. (Oops. Five. One with a local credit union too.)

      One: when I started my current job, the first 1% of my salary was earmarked for this account. Every year since, at raise time, I’ve bumped this and my retirement contribution by 1% each. I have never withdrawn a penny from it. It’s higher interest than the others, though that’s not a high bar.
      Two gets a certain dollar amount every paycheck. I write a check about once a month to my cleaning lady. The rest hangs out unless I need it for a one-off something.
      Three gets a certain dollar amount per check that’s just enough to keep the account from having fees, and it’s almost all automatically transferred out into targeted savings accounts at my main bank within a day. I just find it useful to have a nationally available bank with local branches as an option in a pinch.
      Four has been my main checking for ten years, is an internet bank, and also has like twelve savings accounts associated. All my withdrawals and payments come out of this one, except my mortgage which comes directly out of a mortgage-specific savings account when I tell it to.
      Five, I had a car loan through the credit union once and had to open an account with them as a requirement. I don’t use this one much either, but have no real reason to close it.

    2. MissGirl*

      Open an online savings account and funnel a little bit there each paycheck. Regular savings accounts only give you .1% but my account at Goldman Sachs gives me 2%.

  62. Nicki Name*

    Trying to figure out a cooking conversion and my search fu is failing me today. If a recipe calls for stewing a 5lb whole chicken, how much chicken meat and broth should I substitute?

    1. CAA*

      When I make chicken sausage or patties, a whole raw chicken from the grocery store is usually about 60% meat. Thighs are about 66% meat. Those numbers don’t include skin. So if you’re starting with raw chicken, the equivalent would be about 3 lbs boneless skinless meat. Cook it in enough broth to keep the meat moist without flooding it. If starting with dry cooked chicken, then about 2.5 lbs plus enough broth to total 3 lb.

      1. Nicki Name*

        Thanks! AAM really has some of the most knowledgeable commentators I’ve come across anywhere.

    2. Samwise*

      TBH, if you’re making a stew or something similar, you don’t need to worry about exact conversions. I’d eyeball it…say three cups of cut up chicken meat and enough broth to cover. If the broth cooks away too much, you can add more broth or just water.

  63. Lost in the Woods*

    When do people generally get back in to running after a bout of illness? I had a really nasty chest cold this past week, so I paused my schedule (I have a history of respiratory problems, so I tread carefully with anything that could impact my lungs). I’m feeling much better now but I still have the cough, though it’s no longer productive. Not sure whether I’m good to jump back in, or if I should wait until the cough is totally resolved.

    1. Teal*

      I personally give myself two days extra after the illness has fully resolved, but if your body is really itching to get back into it, would you consider doing a brisk walk instead until the cough is fully gone?

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        Took your advice and just went on a lovely walk – it’s crazy warm for January where I am. I’m surprised by how wiped out I feel! Another couple of days seems like it’s definitely in order.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The general rule is to take it easy if the symptoms are below your neck. If you’re still coughing, it’s probably safest to give it another couple of days. Agree with the suggestion to maybe up your walking instead of running.

    3. Dan*

      I don’t run but, I incline train 2-3 days a week for close to half an hour.

      When I’m “under the weather”, I always try to do *something*, even if it’s nowhere near my full regimen. Answer to your question: I let my body tell me what it can handle. I stop when things hurt too much or I’m breathing too hard or other symptoms like that.

  64. Chaordic One*

    Related to Lost in the Woods’ comment, what else do people eat besides chicken soup when they have a cold? I want to stay hydrated. My sense of taste is still a bit off and nothing really tastes good, but I’m feeling hungry. Any suggestions?

    1. Filosofickle*

      I go with whatever sounds edible! My throat usually prefers smooth/sweet/non-acidic foods — apple sauce, apple juice, oatmeal, soup. I have a chest cold currently and weirdly I had good luck with some black beans earlier this week. I don’t think of that as “sick food” but it was warm and comforting. When my throat doesn’t hurt, toast and crackers. Odwalla smoothies are a convenient way to get a tiny bit of nutrition if I can get to the store.

    2. Alex*

      Other kinds of soup. And popsicles. Or really, anything you feel like eating! Sometimes spicy foods are good because they can clear up your sinuses. I’m partial to spicy noodle dishes.

      Apart from a lot of dairy, though, I don’t think anything is off limits. Dairy can increase mucus so that may not be a great choice.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        The dairy thing is in fact a myth! Apparently it can make phlegm feel more sticky and uncomfortable, but it doesn’t increase mucous production. Cold dairy like ice cream can be very soothing

    3. Lost in the Woods*

      When I’m sick, my two go-tos are spicy (the only thing that tastes like anything) and comfort food. I like creamy costco tomato soup with chili oil in it, buttered noodles with spicy sausage and spinach, and takeout tamales.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Hot and sour soup. Something about the spice (still not that spicy), the heat, and the broth, make it a go-to. (As long as my throat is not raw). It also used to be something of a specialty for a favorite Chinese place, so comforting in many ways – tasty and familiar.
      And- not popsicles, but there is a frozen fruit bar that is actual fruit, pureed, and on a stick. So a little bit of nutrition.

      1. Merci Dee*

        My dad loves hot and sour soup, it’s his favorite. But he sometimes calls it “stinky sock soup” because he says the first two or three bites taste like sweaty gym socks. Of course, every time he says that, I ask him how he knows what sweaty gym socks taste like, and he just laughs. Silly little rituals that make up the fabric of our lives, I guess. :)

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          LOL your dad sounds fun! I guess one of the good things about having a cold is you do not taste or smell as well, so those first few bites are just about, well, warm liquid. Cute anecdote, and that’s kind of the reason I like the soup – just means family.

    7. Jen Erik*

      My husband automatically makes me Thai green curry – it’s the only time we have it for whatever reason – and it usually works. (My colds tend towards the violent and short-lived).
      I don’t know how authentic his recipe is, but I think it’s the mixture of chilli, garlic and ginger that clears the tubes, and the blitzed green stuff makes it taste really healthy.

    9. AcademiaNut*

      There’s always rice porridge, the Asian equivalent of chicken soup. Basically, cook rice in lots of liquid until it turns into porridge. I like using chicken broth and water (or water and a stock cube) and tossing finely chopped ginger and diced green onion in at the end. For liquids, I like making broth with half a chicken stock cube, half a mushroom cube, a big mug of water, and a generous squeeze of lemon juice.

      If your sense of smell is muted, you’ll mainly be tasting sweet/salty/bitter/sour, and can skip the more subtle seasoning.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Mmmmm congee. I haven’t gotten mine to taste like what my housemates made. (One was from Singapore, one had grandparents from Hong Kong.)
        I’m also a big fan of pho. We found a jar of flavor mix at the Asian market that makes it easy to do a decent ‘faux pho’ with no-so boxed beef stock, ramen noodles, and leftover roast beef.
        (Label says Cot Pho Bo brand beef flavored pho soup base, from Quoc Viet Foods.)

    10. lasslisa*

      Recently? Spicy beef noodle soup (mostly the veggies and broth, actually), mild spiced lentils (masoor dal), stewed kale, grits with soft boiled eggs, spicy Korean tofu soup (over rice to dilute it)… The liquid feels good and is hydrating, and the sweet or spicy or salty makes it pleasant, which is a hard feeling to come by when you’re laid up.

  65. It's handled*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread.

    Also, regulars who respond to work questions on the weekend thread despite knowing the rules — please don’t. It’s more work for me to remove responses, and it encourages people to break the rules. – Alison

  66. SteveHolt!*

    Any suggestions for places to visit/things to do in Savannah, GA in March? We’ll also be on Tybee Island for a couple of days. TIA!

    1. Marcy*

      I visited Savannah in December. We really enjoyed the trolley tour. Also had a wonderful brunch at B Matthews.

    3. it happens*

      Eat! So much good food
      And take an architecture walking tour
      And the museum (3 separate locations) is quite good
      Have fun!

    4. Bluebell*

      Was in Savannah a few years ago and loved it! We went to the beach at Tybee, but also walked on River St, visited Savannah College of Art & Design, Colonial Cemetery, and Juliet Gordon Low’s House. (So many Girl Scout Troops!)

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Leopold’s is worth it. Stand in that line. Unless you don’t enjoy ice cream, then you may ignore this advice.

      If you have a dog, I found Savannah to be incredibly friendly to buds. Some of the squares have poop cans built in underground that you operate with your foot, so you can walk your dog, carry a cup of wine and throw away poop very conveniently. :-)

    7. Enjoy Savannah!*

      Take a ghost tour (recommend Hearse Ghost Tours)!

      Skip Paula Deen’s restaurant (Lady & Sons) and instead go to The Olde Pink House (you’ll need a reservation), or Husk. Have a drink on the patio of Local 11.

      Visit the Juliette Gordon Low House (she’s the founder of the girl scouts).

      Walk up and down River Street. Get some fudge from River Street Sweets or a frozen alcoholic drink from Wet Willies (Savannah allows public drinking, you can carry alcohol down the street). Don’t buy a doll made of corn husks from a “vet.” They’re scammers.

      On Tybee, go to the beach, of course! Eat at Sundae Cafe.

  67. Ali G*

    So, fibroids.
    I have a condition that requires annual monitoring (MRIs), basically from the waist down. Due to changing jobs/not working/blah blah, before earlier this month, the last time I had scans was the summer of 2017. This isn’t a huge deal. So my scans came back clean for the condition I monitor, but showed I have a uterine fibroid and a cyst on my kidney.
    I already had an appointment with my gynecologist this Monday for what I thought we unrelated symptoms (irritation, spotting), so I plan to take my test results. I also made an appointment with my PCP for the kidney stuff.
    I emailed the doctor that reviews my scans after she notified me that my results were clean and nothing to worry about, to ask if there were any specific instructions about the unrelated findings and haven’t heard back.
    I guess my question is – is there anything else I should be doing? I’m 41 and kind of surprised that fibroids would be showing up now? I’m curious if anyone else can relate or have experience with these seemingly random growths?

    1. CAA*

      I think fibroids can show up at any age. I had a large one at 28 that had to be removed before I could have a child, and my gyno is still surprised I’ve never had another. A friend recently had a fast-growing one at age 53, and that was more cause for concern because if they turn up in post-menopausal women they’re more likely to be cancerous. Hers was benign, but they did do a total hysterectomy.

      Oddly enough, the ultrasound scans that they did on me to diagnose the fibroid also turned up something on my left kidney, so that requied an MRI to figure out that it’s a benign tumor called an angiomyolipoma. It’s been another 28 years since it was found, and it’s never caused any issues, but I do think you should ask your gyno if she has any advice about the kidney cyst as well. There’s probably nothing to be done if it’s a benign growth, but it’s always good to have someone actually tell you that, and she may want to refer you to someone else for a consultation.

    2. Cat*

      I had fibroids that grew during pregnancy. I was told they’re not a problem unless they cause one in terms of heavier periods or whatnot and will likely shrink during menopause. But I’m guessing I will need another opinion if I want to get pregnant again.

    3. Achoo*

      Fibroids are tricksy. Mine appeared in my late 30s. My mom never had any until she was in her 60s.

      I had a friend whose fibroids were so problematic she ended up getting surgery, but doctors never seem concerned about mine.

  68. Teal*

    I had the loveliest 4-5 hour chat with an older gentleman this week on our East Coast to West Coast flight!

    His wife was on the flight too, but she mostly read/napped. We talked a bunch of different things and it made the flight go by quickly.

    I’ve been thinking about them all week, happy that two strangers had a nice experience together. I hope to run into them again sometime :)

    1. nep*

      I love that. I stayed in touch (email) with a woman with whom I had a wonderful chat on a flight. We really had a great connection and afterward we emailed about family, books we were reading…
      It’s one of my favorite things about traveling–randomly running into all kinds of people.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One of the great experiences of my summer exchange in Norway was the day the QE2 docked and EVERYONE in our small city who spoke English was asked to join the city-sponsored tour guides. An older couple in my group turned out to be from my dad’s part of Brooklyn and they pretty much adopted me for the day. And that boys & girls is how I got to have afternoon tea on the QE2.

    3. Autumn*

      I love a friendly seat neighbor on a plane! Recent memorables are a retiree from Sweden taking on a round of holiday parties at different locations of his employer; he was fascinating and lovely, and a seminary student ready to do a weekend retreat with a Franciscan order, with whom I had a fantastic chat too.

      Good seat neighbors restore my faith in humanity

  69. Anon for this*

    I had my birthday this week. I feel so old and so tired. I’m dealing with some health problems that are probably never going to go away. I’m at the age where birthdays are honestly just depressing. I just got back from a family gathering. My remaining parent and uncles spent the entire time telling me how their physical condition was worse than mine (they’re not wrong, but when you’re in agony too, that doesn’t help) and complaining about how everything is going to smart phones and how it’s terrible how plastic bags are being banned. They’re all elderly and I know they’re frustrated, but they keep having the same circular conversations and I just can’t deal with it anymore. My parent is probably going to need to go into assisted living and they’re going to fight me on it.

    Everyone meant well and it was kind of them to even get me anything, but even though I had a wishlist, Amazon sent the wrong stuff (wrong sizes, etc.. I tried tactfully saying this and got deflected–they didn’t bother getting gift receipts, their younger friends bought the stuff for them and they didn’t want to bother them). Of all the things wrong, this is the most minor. They meant well. I really don’t need gifts at this point in my life. But somehow it kind of broke me.

    I know I need to see a therapist. It’s just the copays and the insurance company and the endless doctors’ appointments for my physical health add up and it wears me out.

    I will get through this. I know I will, but I kind of had to say this to someone,anyone and I don’t seem to have anyone I can say this too just right now.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      I’m sending you a hug. I know birthdays are one of the hardest times with family, because it is suppose to be your day (unlike other family holidays, when the focus is not just on you)… and here they blew that, too.

      But… consider that they did try, and let the expectations go if you can. Think of those expectations, like dandelion wisps blowing away in the wind. Pick out one or two things on the list yourself that you really want, and buy them for yourself. You celebrate you. Donate, gift, whatever with the stuff they got you.
      Yaround birthday. For me, it was not being alone on my day (which was not a bad thing). It was the “should have by this time” and “I thought I would be…” that were sabotaging my happiness. Something underneath, un-examined, may be making this bigger than the surface you wants it to be? Just saying…. I’ve been trying to write and it has helped sort out a bit for me. YMMV.
      Sending hug.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. I so feel you.

      I had to change what I was doing. I went with no parties, no gifts. Like you say, I was not having an enjoyable time while sitting and talking about misery.

      It does not help that I believe all these people sitting around and talking about their health issues is symptomatic of a massive FAIL on the part of our health care system. But, I will skip the rant and just say that I tell myself, “This is the world we have.”

      So after the no parties/no gifts change, I realized I also needed to avoid the phone. And so I added that to my list. What I ended up with was a day that I create and I define. I landed on getting myself a modest birthday gift that was necessary to complete a project. I would get the item, return home, and complete my project. This usually ties up a number of hours and I get a sense of accomplishment. It’s also symbolic of progress sometimes.

      As I have added new people to my life I just tell them that I don’t do birthdays. It’s much now. Find simple and doable ways to invest in you and invest in your life on your birthday.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’m sending you good birthday thoughts. Please buy yourself a nice birthday gift. Don’t skip this – you deserve something nice from someone who loves you, and that’s you. Be kind to yourself.

      In terms of the other gifts, it might make you feel better to donate them in a mindful way. If there are particular recipients who would especially benefit from certain things, like a public library for books or a DV shelter for personal items, consider making the special trip to donate to that location. Sometimes it’s nice to know that something that doesn’t quite work for you might be *really useful* to someone else.

      On the other hand, if these items are bugging you, it might feel better to just get them out of the house as quickly as possible.

      Hope things feel a bit brighter soon!

    4. Anono-me*

      Happy Birthday Week!

      Virtual birthday hug and/or puppy snuggle (if they are actually on your wish list).

  70. Loopy*

    I may find myself in Virginia Beach for four and a half days (all weekdays) with only evenings to myself in February. If anyone knows some good food places (vegetarian) and easy evening activities to do alone, I’d like to schedule myself a few things. Not my choice of location and I will be alone and have to get up early so I’d want to be in bed around 9. Any ideas?

    1. MistOrMister*

      Please check out Planet Pizza!! https://planetpizzavb.com/ Last year was the first time we tried it, and it is fabulous. The sauce is just slightly spicy but nothing that people who don’t like spicy foods will run away from. I have been dreaming about that pizza for months.
      I’ve only ever been there in the summer, so am not sure what will be open. There are various street performer along the boardwalk as well as a couple of places where they’ll have outdoor concerts, but those might not be there in winter. If you’re driving, stop at one of the rest areas on the way, they should have a number of pamphlets/guidebooks (this is where I find stuff I might want to do when we go down). And if you’re staying in a hotel most of them seem to have an activities desk with a concierge who will direct you to things. Unfortunately most of what I tend to look into while there are the daytime things. And I usually have control of the kid in the evening, so don’t really look for nightlife stuff.

      OH MY GOD! I ALMOST FORGOT!! Please, please pleaaase go to Mary’s while you’re there if you can. It’s a diner type restaurant with very decent pricing and good food. Their potato salad is ridiculously good. I believe they have short hours though…maybe 6am to 2pm or 4pm. But it’s really worth a visit. I think many of their lunch/dinner entrees have meat, but they have one of those options where you pick X number of sides to make a vegetarian meal. I did that there and they give you plenty.
      https://www.maryskitchenvb.com/

  71. celeb encounters*

    Anyone have any celebrity encounters? I’ve a friend who always seems to run into celebs and get pictures with them and I live vicariously through her.

    Any celeb you’ve met who has been surprisingly nice? Mean? Any celeb you want to run into one day?

    1. Lizzy, not Borden*

      I worked in a bookstore years ago, got to help when Amy Tan spoke. I was soooo excited just to be near her.
      She was not nice. And she told lots of stories of bringing her dog everywhere and the rude people who gave her a hard time.
      My then 3 year old son almost died mid-air, 25 or so years ago, because the previous flight had a dog that the person kept letting out on the seat against airline regulations. The very seat my allergic son was assigned. I decided it was Amy Tan who did it and I have never forgiven her!

      1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        That’s crazy about your son!

        I hated the Joy Luck Club when I was forced to read it in high school and probably don’t forgive her for that either.

    2. nep*

      My brother and I were out back of a venue after a Tinariwen concert. Ibrahim Ag Alhabib was walking about and invited us onto their bus, where we sat and chatted for a bit. Another member of the group came down the bus aisle dancing at one point. Lots of laughter. It was fantastic. I just wanted to stay on the bus and continue the tour with them.

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      My grandmother met Derek Jeter in the Kalamazoo air port years ago. He was more than happy to take pictures with her and give her an autograph. He was a genuinely nice and warm to a little old lady.

    4. Dan*

      I spent a few years after college working on the airport ramp with private jets, and in that line of work, *all* of your clients are rich people of one sort or another. Those jobs forbid asking for autographs and taking pictures, so my “encounters” are a mile long and I have nothing to show for it :( Although, the nature of that work was that the “encounters” were very brief, limited to little more than a “hi sir/bye sir” type of thing. Most of our interactions were with their flight crews. At one location, we handled a lot of professional sports charters (namely NHL and NBA at the time) and at another, the primary clientele was Hollywood celebrities.

      Temperaments run the gammut — some are down right glass bowls, and yes, others were beyond nice. One of the most memorable encounters I had was with Dean Cain (actor who played superman) who was the most congenial one could imagine… and yet the reason we had time to shoot the breeze was because his private jet had a maintenance problem.

      My favorite story, though, was the time I met Shaq (7’1″ NBA star) when he was playing for, IIRC, the LA Lakers. We were working his NBA team’s sports charter after a game, and he was sitting down outside on the ramp when it was dark out. Because he was sitting down and it was dark out, I didn’t recognize him and shot the breeze for a few minutes. Later, he gets on his plane where it was much better lit. Same guy sitting in the same posture, but now I can recognize him. And the first thought that ran through my mind was, “Holy shit! I shot the breeze with Shaq and didn’t know it.”

      In the five years I did that work, I never got one autograph or picture. While that era was before selife-mania, we would have been fired for any of that. And TBH, after awhile, it does become “Just a job” and the fact that your clients are all celebrities is a bit unremarkable.

    5. blackcat*

      I thoroughly embarrassed my parents when, at 4 years old, I ran up to and basically tackled Robin Williams. My parents apologized profusely, and he was really, really lovely about it. He made a comment about how the “best big fans are the smallest ones.” It’s a memory I really cherish. I was a very reserved child who was nervous around strangers, so my bolting and running to him totally took my parents off-guard–they didn’t even realize who he was until they started apologizing to him!

    6. The Other Dawn*

      My sister and I met all the members of Def Leppard except Rick Savage (Sav) while waiting out by the buses back in 2007 (?). Very nice guys and down to earth, and I love their accents! I’ve done a couple paid meet and greets since then. In 2018 my sister and I paid for the meet and greet in Cleveland, and we finally got to meet Sav, but unfortunately Phil was absent. His wife had a health emergency while giving birth.

      1. Mimmy*

        I loved Def Leppard during their Hysteria days, so I am rather jealous you’ve met them a few times! In particular, I had a thing for Rick Allen.

        That’s also cool that you went on the Monsters of Rock cruise (in reference to your second post in this thread).

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I walked around a corner at a convention and literally ran smack into the lead singer of GWAR :-P they chased me full tilt across the vendor floor.

      1. Scarlet magnolias*

        I used to work in a cooking oriented company (think high end Kitchen equipment) and one of the celebrity cooks that used to come in on a regular basis was Jacques Pepin. This was the 70s/early 80s.
        He was sweet, adorable and smokin’ hot. He would bring us poor drones in the order department treats and wonderful things to eat.

    8. anon of the past, present, and future*

      I saw Rami Malek about half a dozen times when I was working/living in SoHo, so he must live in the area. I saw him with Christian Slater once and almost lost my shit because I had a huge crush on Christian Slater in the 90s. 

      I only interacted with Malek once, and it was because a friend of mine wanted to get a picture. He was in a restaurant with a guy who my friend later told me was the boy from Jurassic Park (!!!). I’ve seen them a couple times around the area. He was nice but awkward.

      Last time I saw him was this past fall in a coffee shop with some blonde woman who had the weirdest outfit and who was yelling at the barista. The poor barista looked like she was about to cry and it was really uncomfortable to watch. Coincidentally, I saw that same woman making out with some guy who was clearly not Malek at a bar last month. I thought they were dating according to the internet but maybe I was wrong?

      1. Rose*

        There are a lot of stories about his girlfriend being rude to people. Not surprised by this in the least.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I’m bummed to hear about his girlfriend! My friend worked on a project with Malek and also found him “nice but awkward.”

        1. Leaving on a Train*

          She’s apparently not a very nice person. My friend was crew on a netflix show she was on for a little bit and said she turns on the sweet innocent act around the cameras and other actors but treated the crew and assistants like she was better than them. He said she called the paparazzi to take pictures of her on set while they were filming once and it held up production. Guess she bragged about being photographed all the time too.

    9. Anonymous Educator*

      The funny thing is I’ve had a few celebrity encounters, but I live in LA now, where there are supposedly celebrity sightings all the time, and I’ve never had one here! Nobody particularly nice or mean, though.

    10. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Many years ago (like in the 1990s) I ran into Tom Selleck several times in the elevator of an office building where I was temping in beautiful downtown Burbank. (He was really hot 25 years ago.) I was kind of star-struck and said something stupid like, “It’s you!” But every time I ran into him he was polite and friendly and gracious and he would make small talk. I think he was meeting with a lawyer or talent agency or something like that in the office building.

    11. Bilateralrope*

      I worked security on a movie studio. Big budget films I’m pretty sure you’ve at least heard of.

      The closest I got was opening the barrier arm to let a car leave, then getting told who was in it. Probably several other times I let them in when they were passengers in an authorized vehicle where nobody said anything. But that’s it.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My mom had the best encounters when traveling along on dad’s business trips in the early 60s. She told about spending a an afternoon at a cafe in Paris, chatting about fashion with the gentleman at the next table, delighted to be asked “what American women want”. It wasn’t until the next day that she learned her new friend Harry was Harry Winston.

    13. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve had some almost-encounters. I’m not someone who is star-struck, but I’m also too shy to just walk up to a celebrity and ask for a picture, autograph, etc. That, and I know they get mobbed a lot and I guess I just don’t want to add to it; I feel like I’m intruding. I wish I was more comfortable like my sister or my cousin, but I’m just not.

      Anyway, Steven Seagal filmed a straight-to-video movie outside my office building (somewhere around 2010?) and we all hung out the windows to watch.

      A member of Buck Cherry, Stevie D, was walking around the “pit” after the show, talking to fans.

      Members of Stryper were on my plane coming home from the Monsters of Rock cruise. While on the cruise, I was talking to a member of an 80s rock band and didn’t even know it until someone told me later (I can’t remember who it was, or the band). We were both wondering out loud what certain mystery fried foods were. He was nice and very funny. On the same cruise, we found ourselves in an elevator with a member of Tesla (singer, I believe).

      Ice-T and Coco were waiting to board my plane when I was coming home from Las Vegas. I considered walking over, but several other people got there first and even though they were very gracious, I could tell they were tired and just wanted to chill out.

    14. Tina Fey saved my life*

      It was early in the morning and I was staying with a friend on the upper west side of NYC. I was preoccupied and in a rush and not paying attention and started across West End avenue (I am SURE it was a green light) when an arm blocked me from crossing just as a taxi whooshed right in front of me. I looked and it was Tina Fey. She said be careful. I said thanks and went on our separate ways.

    15. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I live in NYC and have seen a lot of different celebs, but only really interacted with a few. I’ve had positive experiences! No famous person has ever been mean to me, but it’s also the culture here to ignore them, so I think they are more relaxed and friendly if they have a genuine reason to interact with you.

      Jeff Goldblum was EXACTLY how you’d imagine him to be – friendly and super charming and weird (also weirdly attractive/attractively weird – I’m kind of in love with Jeff Goldblum). My friends and I met him after seeing him in a play and he was the most outgoing/friendly/cheerful person I ever met after a show, and he took a lot of pictures with us (not always the case). He nuzzled me with his head. It was amazing.

      Once I was in an elevator with a friend, in the place where we don’t talk about here, and the current guys from Lynyrd Skynyrd poppped in. They were REALLY friendly and also REALLY ready to party for 10am on a Tuesday – if we had asked to go party with them, they would have said yes.

      And so many people have “Tom Hanks is amazing” stories, but my friend bumped into him randomly in a hotel and did confirmed that he was amazing.

    16. Misty*

      The drugstore I work at had Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife Brooke come in. She was there for about an hour with two assistants and much went down.

      It was wild.

      She had one of the people working there help her put on a bra that she bought in the store in the bathroom. I was confused about why one of the two assistants couldn’t do that.

      I’ve also met Ted Danson and Jason Segal. Both were nice to me.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t care about autographs and selfies (although I used to as a kid). I like it better when I actually have a normal human interaction with someone.

      But I did go out of my way for a paid photo op with Ernie Hudson at a small sci-fi/fantasy con in 2014. I love him and I just could not pass that up. He was extremely nice — his wife was traveling with him, and she’s also very charming. I was the first one to get to their table, so we had a few minutes to chat. He said they were excited about going to Branson (MO), but the con was in the middle of winter. Branson completely shuts down in the winter! We had a laugh about that. The con has moved back to Springfield and is now in the spring since it’s gotten bigger, so if they return, I hope they have a better experience.

      Cons, especially smaller ones, give you a better chance to have these kind of encounters, although the guests tend not to be big names. I’d love to attend a big one someday like SDCC or Planet Comicon in KC just for the experience, but I despair of ever being able to afford it.

      1. Trade mag minion*

        One summer I worked in sf publishing and met Fritz Lieber among others. I was starstruck to help him with some research as part of my job… and pretty much melted when he sent me a thank you note.

    18. Ali G*

      I met Paul Sorvino in a hotel lobby restaurant in Raleigh, NC. I had just started my first job out of grad school, so I was like 23. I was with my boss and some other colleagues who were all men and easily 20+ years older.
      He came over to our table and told me I was too young and pretty to hanging out with that “riff raff.”
      I was dying, and my boss was insulted because he didn’t know who this dude was coming over and making random comments about them and me.

    19. MOAS*

      Not sure if this counts but my cousins and I met Ramy Youssef in 2011 before he blew up. He was performing at a comic show and we got to meet and take pix with everyone. It was neat

    20. Sydney*

      I saw Harry Styles at a coffee shop once, and he got behind me in line. He was laying low and nobody was coming up to him but I didn’t want to not talk with him so I asked him causally if he’s been here before and if he can recommend anything. Not my brightest moment because I think he totally knew I knew who he was but he was still very sweet.

      I don’t wanna name names on this one but I also saw a Disney star that’s fairly popular at the store once and I made eye contact with them and they gave me a look that said “don’t come up to me” which I think is sorta rude in a way because I wasn’t thinking of coming up to them, I was just simply accidentally making eye contact with them!

  72. Merci Dee*

    Mardi Gras is coming up next month, and I was feeling a little nostalgic. I lived in New Orleans for a couple of years when I was in grade school, and have always remembered king cakes with fondness. I realized it’s been ages since I had a really quality king cake, so I went to the website for Randazzo’s Bakery in Metairie last weekend. Ordered a medium traditional king cake, and then had to sit back and wait patiently for my shipping date. At long last, the cake arrived on my door step yesterday, so I shared it with my daughter and parents.

    Y’all.

    That sucker was totally worth the week’s wait, and all the years since I last had good king cake from New Orleans. Without a doubt, Randazzo’s is the best bakery in the greater New Orleans area for king cakes. Don’t know if they have any shipping dates left available for this year, but keep them in mind for your Mardi Gras celebration next year.

    Bonus …. I got the baby! You better believe I’ll be happy to order another cake to keep the tradition alive for next year!!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Oooh I love king cake! Someone brought one to work at Exjob, and I became enamored of it. Had more than one piece, but I did not get the baby, alas.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Well, when you’re sharing a king cake between 4 people, your odds are pretty good of getting the baby. :)

        And, yes, as so often happens, I discovered I’d gotten the baby when I put a piece of cake in my mouth and started to chew. I have to wonder how many baby-related choking incidents are reported each year.

  73. NoLongerYoung*

    Taxes?
    I am trying to do some stay-at-home adulting, and I realize that I’m struggling a little with anxiety. I can literally feel myself eating to soothe. I can’t tell you how many years I struggled with my weight; I realize now that I was doing a lot of self-soothing. Blech.

    The cause of the anxiety (besides still waiting to hear more from last week’s test and get my specialist referral)… is that I’m trying to start on taxes. I’m afraid I am going to owe a big chunk of change (due to ignorance on my part…. end of 2018 / early 2019, I was both heads down with grief, and rolling quickly into the work-project-from-Dante’s 7th circle.).

    I have the money in the emergency fund to pay the taxes, but I’m so bummed. I have an email into the CPA I used prior years (hubs business), so I can get my questions answered and do a plan. Best if I know now. A friend and I were talking about taking a long-awaited bucket list trip to Italy this summer, so I will have to see what I can do to a) catch up, and b) not repeat the mistake. (which will also impact my income for the rest of the year).

    Ugh, but…I am trying to get some more of the painful stuff out of the way now, so that I can plan and know. I find that the “not knowing” weighs heavily on me, and in some cases, is worse than the knowing.

    I’ll be posting on a separate ask for actual advice, not just commiseration, down thread if I can.

    1. Laura H.*

      You’re starting with plenty of time. That has to help. Hoping good things for you.

      I have all my docs and I’ll start this week likely.

    2. nep*

      Agree with you that not knowing can weigh more than knowing–no matter how ‘bad’ it is.
      Bottom line is, you’ll make it through. You’re taking action and you sound ready to make a plan to handle whatever comes. Good that you’re contacting the CPA.
      All the best. And I look forward to your future posts and responses re taxes.

    3. Rebecca*

      I ended up owing a chunk for 2018 tax year, and I didn’t have withholding right, had no idea, and bam, got nailed. I had updated my withholding at the beginning of 2019, but obviously it was too late for 2018…and once it was done, I emailed her a copy of my pay stub and asked her if that would at least let me sort of net out at the end of the year, maybe owe a little, get a little back, and she said it was perfect. Lesson learned.

      I’m sorry this is happening. It is stressful!! But the sooner you know, the sooner you can make a plan. And you’re not finding out on the 12th of April!! Sending hugs and best wishes your way!

    4. Dan*

      You don’t say much about your income or employment status, but if you are a W2 employee and filled out your W4 within reason, you’ll probably be fine and don’t need to sweat much.

      If your earnings are 1099 based and you weren’t making quarterly tax payments, then yes, you’re going to pay. Sorry.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I actually should have been okay – I did get the extra deduction off the W-4, and I even re-ran the numbers in early December for Fed to triple check…. except that I did not realize the dividing line for being an HCE.

        This is my first year for three things – being out from under the financial millstone of my spouse (which did give me married filling joint previously); first year contributing to my 401K/403B (yikes – and that’s a horror item of it’s own at my age); and my failure to understand that it’s on my income from the employer, not my AGI (he left me with business losses, so AGI is not =income at all).

        This would seem like a first world problem except that due to other factors, I’m budgeting pretty carefully… this is just a complete miss on my part, I think. But trying to reserve judgement until I get the exact word from the CPA.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          AGI = not income at all (before any real tax people jump on me)…. for me personally, not from a tax definition. That level of debt and catch up from the former spouse has just left me with this weird dissonance… I make a good salary, I definitely can budget (now that I don’t have “help” taking every dime out of every account); but that cash flow in doesn’t go very far when I’m still putting out some financial fires.

          I have one dear bestie who said “You make X, you should be fine…” Well, there’s a big difference between the ability to sustain a life in this high cost of living area, between those who were able to buy a home 25 years ago, and those renting. And there’s a difference between making great money when you are married and your income is half the household income, vs when you are making the only income, and you are digging out from years of debt.

          So no, I try not to think of it as “I make “X” I should be able to do “Y” or buy “X” or … any one of the things my coworkers do. I do not let it depress me. I am proud of how far out of debt I’ve come, and that I have an emergency fund. But I sure do not feel or live like a highly-compensated individual.

          But, all is well that ends well. I don’t have him draining on my finances any longer, and if my health holds, and I can keep running the numbers I’m running, I can retire eventually. To somewhere with serious snow, but retire at least. LOL.

          1. RainyDayDog*

            Yes, I just had this conversation with my sister – “Friend makes £X, she must be fine”. Friend A is dealing with the aftermath of debt, and Friend B is single and renting alone, not part of a couple paying a low mortgage. Not the same thing!
            I think we’re all good at knowing the financial stresses that come with our own situation, and struggle to know those of others.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Inch by inch, NLY, inch by inch.

      When my husband first passed and I was dealing with STUFF, my thought was, “Today is a loss. Just get through it as best I can. Tomorrow, next week/month/year will be better. And I know this to be true because I am dealing with the hard stuff RIGHT NOW.”

      Each time you get some sort of handle on the 10,000 things you need to fix, you are one step closer to that better tomorrow. Tell yourself you are courageous, because you are. Tell yourself other nice things like, “Good job on that!” For me a non-food reward is best. So this means putting on my thinking cap and figuring out what would be a reward for getting through a dreaded task. Odd stuff comes up, like sometimes what would feel good to me is sorting my clothes closet or dresser. Other times it’s a nap or a good book. It’s really important to follow through and give ourselves those rewards.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I appreciate all the encouragement and advice.
        And yes, I need to work on non food soothing. And to be kind and

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Sorry, posted too soon from phone.
          I do think I need more soothing outside of food = I will work on that, too.

  74. Anonymous Educator*

    After a long time of listening to The Guilty Feminist podcast episodes recorded in the UK and Australia, I finally got to attend a recording in North America! Deborah Frances-White is an amazing stage performer, and her guests were great, too.

  75. Aurora Leigh*

    What were the best gifts you ever received as a bridesmaid/maid of honor?

    My wedding isn’t till May, but I like to plan ahead lol. I bought tote bags that have their “job titles” printed on them (MOH, Bridesmaid, Flower Girl, plust Mother of Bride and Mother of Groom) and am wanting to fill them with useful goodies for the day. I’m thinking of doing a Yeti style tumbler and getting decals to personalize.

    It will be an outdoor wedding at a public park. My flower girl is 7 and the 2 Junior Bridesmaids (nieces) are 10/11.

    1. HBJ*

      Try to make them unique to each person and not “wedding themed.” “Gifting” them shoes for the wedding or jewelry or getting ready robes is not a gift. It’s a prop for the wedding.

      Best gift – a bracelet that was individualized to my taste. The other bridesmaids received individualized bracelets as well. One did choose to wear hers for the wedding, but some of them wouldn’t have gone with the dress style at all. I’ve worn that bracelet at least 100 times.

      Worst – a necklace that matched all the other bridesmaids and our dresses and was decidedly not to my taste. The necklace came off after the wedding and hasn’t been worn since.

      1. HBJ*

        To clarify, would they each use a yeti tumbler? Personally, I wouldn’t use something like that. It’d sit on a back shelf in my kitchen until I donated it someday. Wedding party gifts should be the same as any other kind of gift for their birthday or Christmas, etc. – unique to them and individualized according to their taste. Please don’t buy into the wedding industry complex of matching cutesy wedding things as a gift.

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          I agree completely! I am not sure how much they would use the tumblers in day to day life, but I was thinking that it will be a long day, mostly outside, and it would be a handy for that purpose if nothing else.

          Also thinking snacks, bug spray, sunscreen, that kind of thing. I’m paying for the hotel room for my MOH and her bf as she’s the only one that will have to travel.

        2. Environmental Compliance*

          +1000.

          Have been in a handful of weddings and am also married.

          My bridesmaids (all over 21) got individualized gifts, all put into cutesy but personalized handbags. Mostly edible stuff, because they all like that kind of thing. If you do the tumbler, don’t put something like “Maid of Honor” on it… maybe their initials. Put something on it if you must that isn’t super weird later to walk around with. I also gave my bridesmaids a handwritten note thanking them for being there for me and just for being great people in general. I also put a cooler full of everyone’s fav booze in a cooler up at the head table, because that’s how we roll.

          Gifts that are for the wedding really aren’t gifts. Thank them for being a person supporting you, not for being a prop.

          The best gift I got as a bridesmaid…. probably the flask full of whiskey, not from the couple, but from a close friend who came to the rescue. It was a rough wedding. Worst gift was a set of very costume-y jewelry (big, gaudy) that while it matched the wedding colors, was very flimsy, broke nearly immediately, made my ears green & itchy, and was the complete opposite of my style. I think I left it in the hotel room.

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            Yes, I was thinking of initials for the grown ups and first names for the kids. :) They’re the Yeti style tumbler from Walmart, not the expensive name brand ones, so they’re a small part of the gift, not a $$$ item.

            I’m doing the cheesy totebags, but they will hold a lot of stuff, so at least they’re useful!

    2. Jackalope*

      When my best friend got married I flew back from my job overseas to be in her wedding. She got married right after one of the Harry Potter books came out and so got me one of those, assuming (correctly) that it would be hard to get ahold of in the other country. I found out later that she was so afraid I would buy a copy before she gave me mine that she told my family members who picked me up that they were not allowed to take me to any bookstores at all before I got my gift! Both of us are bookworms so this was related to something we shared. That is often the best kind of thing; something related to a common interest for the two of you.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I don’t remember a single bridesmaid gift I ever got.

      I gave mine handmaid silver charm bracelets from a small town artist that we have a sentimental family connection with. They were very pretty but surprisingly affordable. The charms were different types of flowers distinctive to where the wedding was held.

      I don’t know if they still keep or wear them, but as a bridesmaid I always seemed to get tchotchkes that were essentially memorabilia for someone else’s life event, rather than something I’d keep for its own sake. So I wanted to give something that was lovely on its own.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When I was maybe 12, I was given a necklace when I was in a family wedding. Tiny and delicate, just my initials on a thin chain. Best? It was the same style that the bride gave her adult sister, and that made me feel so very grownup.

    5. Ezera*

      Honestly I haven’t liked any of them much. Jewelry is a big no. My taste in jewelry I guess differs from the brides’.
      There’s a heavy weight pashmina that has some wool in it (winter wedding) that I’ve used some, and also a pretty bag that I kept makeup in for awhile. My husband bought each of his friends a bottle of their favorite alcohol and a personalized rocker glass. I did matching aprons, which I’m sure not everyone would love.

    6. catsaway*

      Just don’t give them photo accessories and call it a gift and you’ll probably be fine. My sister called the getting ready robes – which we only wore for pictures – and the earring everyone wore our gifts and it annoyed me because they were for her not us.
      Maybe your wedding is causal but is the sunscreen something that they’ll be able to wear with makeup on top? Or something that they’ll want to wear all day? For me, anything les then super fancy Elta Md sunscreen feels really greasy on my face and I wouldn’t wear it if I knew I was going to be dressed up and taking lots of pictures that day.

    7. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      I was just at an outdoor wedding where the flower girls all got comfy hoodies to wear as the night set in. It also meant they weren’t trashing their dresses when they spilled at dinner. Super cute.

      They also had a giftbag of dollar store junk to keep the kids amused as the night went on. They looked like they were having a blast at their little mini party.

  76. Fikly*

    I have finally found an apartment! Moving this Thursday.

    After getting a later start on packing than I had planned (unexpected health crisis, chained to bathroom), today was my first big packing day. I felt confident that I was going to be packed on time, but was expecting it to be a difficult process and to be wrecked by the end. To my delight, while I am having to be very careful to pace myself and sit on a step stool while packing boxes, I made a bunch of progress, and I think it is going to not be awful.

    In sad news, my beloved physical therapist is moving out of state, and my last appointment with her is Tuesday. She is handing me over to a colleague, who doesn’t have a ton of experience with EDS, but is interested in learning, and we did one session with him and her and me where she explained a lot. I am hoping that will work out, because if it doesn’t, I will have to commute into the city twice a week for PT, and that is just annoying.

    But in good news, during PT last week, we both were commenting on how two major orthopedic issues, after 2 months for one, and after 5 months for the other, were finally both getting a tiny bit better. Not a ton of progress, but any progress is really amazing after so long of either holding steady or getting worse.

    Quick thing that amused me: I had a follow up appointment scheduled with my GP to talk about how I was doing with some symptoms. Well, they had resolved, so I sent him a message asking if he still wanted to see me. He left me a voicemail that said, “I like you, but not that much.” He’s my favorite.

    Side rant: my moving company, which did my last move and I was very pleased with, asked for a detailed inventory of everything I was moving. Fair. I provided them with links to the big pieces of furniture that included weight, dimensions, picturs, etc. They then responded asking for all those details. Am I being unresaonable to be annoyed they couldn’t be bothered to click on the link that was clearly to IKEA?

    1. Bluebell*

      Good luck with the move. And re medical professionals, I am so going to miss my PCP when he retires. He’s great.

      1. Fikly*

        It was three links? To a bed, a bookcase, and a chair? But ok, clearly clicking on three links in exchange for a lot of money is unreasonable.

    1. fposte*

      I love geography quizzes! I’ve never heard of lizardpoint and will head over there. I’ve enjoyed various geography quiz apps, so long as they don’t require flags. I’m really bad at flags.

      1. So Not The Boss Of Me*

        Thanks for reminding me how much I like flags, fposte. My favourite is Seychelles. Not that I’m good at it. Just did my first flag quiz, started out easy, and bombed it. ;)

  78. Goose Lavel*

    Anyone watch the new series “Pandemic” on Netflix? The timing seems very apropos considering the current pandemic going around the world.

  79. Environmental Compliance*

    Any knitting designers out there?

    I’ve been using Stitch Fiddle (paid version) for a while, but KnitBird is now free. I’ve downloaded and played around a little bit.

    What did you like about one more than the other? Can KnitBird do the stitch count verification (if it does, I can’t find it) that Stitch Fiddle does?

    I want to improve the layout/design (heh) of my designs, but am also not a graphic designer and do not have the skills to go full awesome on it.

  80. Maine*

    I am unfortunately in the market for a new car. I’m not sure what I want, but I need something relatively soon. The car I was driving, I chose because it had unique taillights and was easy enough to pick out of a parking lot – I just like something a little more unique, and slightly off beat, but I don’t like to do that with the color. I’m thinking sedan or SUV, and I want to stay around $25k. I’d love to find a great deal on a leftover 18/19, brand new model.

    So, any car suggestions? Mostly just looking for aesthetic ideas.
    Or tips for car buying? This will be my first time going solo, it’s workable but not the best time financially, and I should have about 1/2 as a downpayment if I stay under the $25k range.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I bought a Kia Soul in December 2018. TBH, I had no idea they even existed before the salesman showed it to me.

      I wanted something that was small, and economical to maintain and do repairs on. It was a 2013 with 55,000 miles, and I got it for $10,000. It’s immensely fun to drive, and I get around 28 mph in the city. I see a lot of them now, but mine is always easy to pick out in the parking lot.

      It is certainly an offbeat vehicle, but I love it. I would buy another one. The new models have even more unique tail lights.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        That’s a great little car. When I was thinking of getting something newer (current ride is 15 years old), I looked at the Soul. One of my neighbors has a 2013, and it runs like new. Another friend has one, and a mini cooper, and the Soul has been less of a problem. (just saying, YMMV).
        Very fun, quiet, parkable, and totes a lot for it’s size.
        I look at good used cars periodically as a hobby (gently used, hatchback / SUV haulers, preparing for the day when mine becomes unreliable), and it’s a little champ.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Or tips for car buying?

      I don’t know if this is a real tip, but if you’re part of a credit union, and your credit union offers a car-buying service, use it. I did, and it was an extremely pleasant (not just painless) experience.

      1. Maine*

        I do use a credit union, though I’m currently located a long drive from my branches, so that adds a bit of a layer of hassle.
        I’m certainly not opposed to financing away from a dealership, I just know that’s (said to be) a bigger source of income for them now than before, so I’m concerned about that factor inflating the price a bit, although I admit this is mostly through skimming articles out of boredom a while back, and could be wholly unfounded.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          I don’t know what your credit union’s policy is, but ours didn’t require going to the branch to get the car. Just told them the car I wanted, and they worked with the dealer to deliver the car to me. The price was good too, but that was a few years ago, so maybe they are inflating price now? Not sure on that.

        2. Iris Eyes*

          Let them assume whatever they want about how you are financing. Get the price fixed first before you discuss just how that payment will be applied.

          They do not need to run your numbers to sell you the car you are asking for. If they won’t respect that you know what you are looking for (price or make/model wise) there is another dealership out there.

    4. The Automobile Expert*

      I would strongly recommend that you take a look at the New Car Buying Guide put out by “Consumer Reports” magazine. You can find it in most bookstores and in the magazine section of most supermarkets and variety stores. The April edition of the their monthly magazine is the annual car edition which repeats the information offered in their buying guide, but in a more condensed format.

      Consumer Reports’ auto reliability records are among the best in business and the most easily accessible and understandable. It seems like Toyotas, Hondas, Subarus and Mazdas tend to be highest rated cars and SUVs and that they have the best reliability ratings but you should give it a look.

    5. Jackalope*

      I found a place that doesn’t do negotiating since that’s something I hate (and studies have shown that women and minorities can’t get the same bargains even if they do all of the same things so that makes me hate it even more). I like going in and seeing the exact price (before tax) that I’ll be paying. Maybe see if a place like that exists near you?

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The two most unique cars I can think of, that will both be within your price range, are the Hyundai Veloster and the Nissan Juke. (The Juke was discontinued around 2018, so you’d need to be willing to buy a used car.) The Juke is an odd sporty car-SUV crossbreed; the Veloster is a sporty hatchback. They’re both supposed to be decent cars.

      Unfortunately, most cars look exactly the same now. Recently I confused a BMW and a Toyota Corolla, and I’m something of a car buff!

      2. Tortally HareBrained*

        Currently shopping for a car in the same class. The Juke was replaced with the Nissan Kicks which is also pretty cute and still a little different. We are looking at the Toyota CH-R as a strong contender.

    7. Policy wonk*

      Look online. Bought a car for my kids to use last year and found that the business is so competitive now that the dealers are all putting a lot of effort into the online presence. Not much negotiating on price because of that, but you can negotiate for a year of free oil changes and routine maintenance. Things like that.

    8. Ali G*

      My husband used TrueCar when he bought his last car. It was great because the price is already stated upfront. So when he got to the dealership he was like, I will by this car for this price.
      Basically you do need to know what car you want, but then you put the info in (make, model, color, etc.) and then you get quotes from local dealers. It made the process much less stressful because he didn’t have to negotiate or worry if he was overpaying.

    9. Jaid*

      I just got a 2017 Hyundai Elantra for about 15k$. 15 k miles. About 2k$ was for an eight year extended warranty. My loan was thru the credit union.

  81. Anon Here*

    To you, what is an “emotional affair”?

    Here’s the way I see it. By traditional hetero standards, any friendship with someone of the opposite sex while you’re in a relationship would count. I know a lot of people who live by this definition and won’t converse one-on-one with people of the opposite sex at all.

    But that’s really heteronormative. Because if that’s how it works, how would bi/pan people have friends? And gay people could only have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship? But what if the opposite sex friend was straight or bi?

    And, for all of us, what about the fact that sexual orientation isn’t rigid and you could have feelings for someone of a different gender than what’s normal for you? Or just different from your usual “type”?

    So I think that it’s basically up to each of us to be responsible for our own feelings and choices on a case by case basis. And to communicate with our SO about what we’re comfortable with, starting early in the relationship. I think the idea of an emotional affair is really open to interpretation and should be defined by each person and for each relationship.

    I’ve always had a lot of queer friends, so I guess I’ve always taken that kind of approach to things. I feel at odds with a large portion of society, like we’re really living by different rules and misunderstanding each other.

    Very tired right now. Just wanted to open up this topic while there’s still some weekend left.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Even with heteronormativity, how is any friendship an emotional affair?

      If my spouse (differently gendered than I am) had a problem with my friendships with people of other genders, we’d be divorced right away.

      In fact, I think hetero people who refuse to have friendships with people of other genders are more likely to cheat, because they don’t think of those people as people but solely as objects of desire and sources of temptation.

    2. Observer*

      I wouldn’t eve call it hetero normative – I don’t know too many people who have that standard, and I’m talking about even within a community where friendship between people of the opposite sex is not a thing.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        I think the heternormative part is ignoring that people with same-gender attraction almost always have friends of the same or similar gender, whereas a certain swath of het folks do, unfortunately think a platonic friendship with a different gender is impossible or cheating in some way.

    3. Samwise*

      Friendship isn’t an affair, regardless of who likes which kind of genitals.

      An emotional affair is when the spouse or partner or significant other puts someone outside the relationship into primary emotional place. (I’ll just say “spouse” for brevity’s sake, but it doesn’t have to be a marriage). For example, person does not care about or pay much attention to their spouse’s feelings, but jumps to soothe the affair person if *they* are feeling sad. Person doesn’t notice that their spouse is doing a crapton of childcare, but trots over to affair person’s house to help with home repairs. Puts time and effort and enjoyment into communicating with the affair person (text, phone, person, whatever), while ignoring or being short with or half listening to their spouse.

      1. Xristiana*

        Yes, I agree. This is much closer to an emotional affair. It’s also about opening up to the affair person about your deepest feelings that you don’t share with the spouse. I’ve never been in one, but it’s when you feel intensely connected to that person without the physical part. Where you’re talking all the time and you feel the instinct to hide those texts or emails or whatever from your spouse, even if there’s no risque content, you just know it’s too intimate.
        The idea of not being able to have friends of the opposite sex sounds highly restrictive and Mike Pence-like.

        1. Natalie*

          I’m not even sure I love the idea that any opening up you don’t do with your spouse makes it an affair. I don’t want to be my spouse’s sole outlet for serious issues, I want him to have other close relationships.

          Personally I’ve never come across a definition of emotional affair that didn’t seem to just mean “very close friendship” of the opposite sex.

          1. Susana*

            Totally agree, Natalie. I find the phrase “emotional affair” absurd. First of all, you can’t control how you feel, only how you act. LOTS of people in committed relationships get little crushes – the thing to do is NOT act on it, and it generally passes. If someone is indeed shutting out partner, and spending time and sharing confidences with someone else, it’s still not an affair of any kind. It may be neglect, or it may be that the closeness of the committed relationship is weak – but if anyone told me I wasn’t “allowed” to share confidences or thoughts with someone else -particularly the same gender as my partner – I’d be out of that controlling relationship, pronto.

            1. lasslisa*

              I’ve definitely had friendships that I could feel crossing the line into an emotional affair, by which I mean something that was starting to sap the life energy from my primary relationship and to supercede it in my mental hierarchy. And there are behaviors you change in order to stop that happening.

              It’s the difference between a crush you have and think “this is fun but not real” and a crush you have and start planning excuses to have a “work emergency” so you can skip out on dinner with your partner to see this person instead.

              If you can feel the couch of plausible deniability sneaking up behind you, leave the room. It’s the same for forms of relationship sabotage other than sex, too.

          2. Meepmeep*

            Yeah, I’m not sure it’s healthy for the spouse to be the only person you open up to. People have friends and it’s normal to open up to your friends emotionally – otherwise what’s the point of friendship?

            We are a lesbian couple, and as it happens, both of us have very close friends where the friendship predates our marriage. For me, the friendship goes back to 2005 and we’ve always been extremely close. That person is more like family than like a friend. We were never romantically involved and there’s no attraction there. It really is just a friendship. My wife has no problem with this whatsoever and I wouldn’t have married her if she wanted to cut me off from my other close relationships.

    4. Fiona*

      Wow, I’m surprised you know so many people who live by this very extreme definition of an “emotional affair.” Do you live in a very evangelical or otherwise religious area? I’m a woman and my husband has lots of female friends who he sees on a solo basis. Similar to what Xtristiana and Samwise said, a friendship becomes an emotional affair when there’s a deep level of intimacy that surpasses/replaces what you have with your spouse, to the point that you would want to hide it or be especially secretive.
      But I think everyone would agree with you that every relationship is different and boundaries should be decided on jointly.
      I’m also of the mind that it’s not a crime to be attracted to other people than your spouse or drawn to other people in certain ways. The question is whether you’re going to cross a boundary that you know your spouse would be uncomfortable with.

    5. ThatGirl*

      My husband’s best friend is a woman. I know her well myself and love her too. But regardless I would never tell him he couldn’t have female friends, and I know their relationship is not romantic. Also, I’m queer, so by bizzaro world definition I couldn’t have any close friends.
      Basically it comes down to trust for me. I trust my husband and my marriage. If you can’t trust your spouse/partner, what’s the point?

    6. Jackalope*

      John Gottman had a définition I appreciated. He said that you and your spouse are building a house with your relationship and you should have windows between the two of you and walls around you. In other words you should be open about as much as you can be, and regarding your relationship there should be things that other people don’t know because you share them just with each other. If you start having the kind of windows (regarding levels of intimacy) with someone else while putting up walls around that OTHER relationship between you and your spouse then that is a sign of emotional affair territory. I’m super tired so not sure if I said this right but hope that makes sense.

    7. RagingADHD*

      An emotional affair is when you are giving the affection, time, and emotional intimacy that in a healthy relationship would go to your partner, to someone else instead. It usually involves lying or concealing who you are spending that time with, or what you are saying to them.

      Healthy relationships have space for friendship. Normal friendships have very different boundaries and expectations than romantic relationships.

      Gender and orientation are irrelevant. If someone can’t tell the difference between a friendship and an affair, they have problems with personal boundaries that have nothing to do with their gender.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      I think an emotional affair is different from a friendship, even a very close friendship, in several ways.

      One warning sign is that it’s taking intimacy away from your romantic relationship – either you’re spending energy and thought on the other person that you would otherwise be putting into your relationship, or you’re sharing things that you would otherwise share with your partner. Another is feeling the need to hide the relationship – either its intimacy or the amount of time you spend communicating. It’s normal to have friendships that aren’t shared with your partner, it’s worrying if you feel you need to hide them, or that your partner would be hurt by seeing what’s going on. If you’re lying about who you’re texting with or going to meet – something is badly wrong. Also – emotional affairs can have a flirtatious/sexual edge to them that a purely platonic friendship doesn’t.

      I personally find the idea that it’s impossible to have a platonic friend of a gender you are attracted to to be incredibly limiting. For one thing, it would mean that a bisexual person is incapable of having platonic friends. I have known a few individual people who weren’t able to regard members of the opposite sex as anything other than potential sexual partners, though, so for some people it is true.

    9. Anon Here*

      Well, it’s good to see that so many people see this the same way I do!

      I’m actually not in a religious community or one that’s considered conservative. Pretty much the opposite. My social sphere leans towards progressive and secular, though it’s pretty diverse.

      And yet many of the people I know seem to view things the way I described. I think it’s because I’m in a creative field and things are a bit different. There is a lot of concern about public image, suspicion about people’s intentions, and there’s a lot of partying going on. I feel like I’m the only one who wants to have platonic friends of all genders, including people I could in theory be attracted to but am not interested in dating. Platonic friendship is the default for me when I meet someone I like; attraction is reserved for people I, ya know, feel that extra spark for.

      Maybe what I’m experiencing is not a gender thing. Maybe it’s related to something else.

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I find this really interesting, because I’m in a creative field and there are tons of cross-gender friendships! But I do think

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Sorry, accidentally hit ‘submit’! I think that the area I work in is more “hands off,” so to speak, and I’m not put into particularly intimate situations. But I’d imagine with some art forms like acting or dance or others, where you get into close physical contact, there might be more concern about becoming emotionally intimate as well? So maybe the specific creative field matters here more than gender dynamics…

        1. Anon Here*

          I think so! I’m on stage, so we cultivate our own kind of charm and attractiveness (from conventional to unconventional). It’s fair to say that performers in general have a certain kind of magnetism and are also in the public eye to some extent. So people are sensitive about optics, and protective of their relationships. It’s known to be very hard on relationships; I haven’t had a serious one since I got more serious about what I do. It’s been about a decade.

          I have been in this walk of life for many years, so I take its culture for granted as normal now. But it is a little different.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      To me, if I’m behaving behind my husband’s back in a way that I wouldn’t behave if he was there because it would bother him, whether that’s physical conduct or shmoopy nicknames or whatever, that’s some degree of problem.

    11. Alex*

      I don’t know a single person in real life who thinks that it is inappropriate to have friends of the opposite sex if you are in a hetero relationship. In my circle, that is a totally bizarro idea and if you said that, people would think you were totally unreasonable. I don’t know anyone who would tolerate that from their partner.

      In my mind, an emotional affair is one in which you become so emotionally involved and intimate with someone that it takes the emotional space your spouse would normally take.

    12. Purt’s Peas*

      I’ve always figured it’s that you’re starting a romance with another person outside the primary relationship but you haven’t had sex with them (yet). While I certainly have passionate friendships, and I certainly have little crushes on platonic friends, I do think there’s something distinct and recognizable about a romance; this is what kind of confuses me about the confusion over an emotional affair.

      That said, from listening to Dan Savage for so long, I totally think “emotional affair” does sometimes get overused to lend legitimacy to jealousy of a partner’s friends :p

      1. Washi*

        Yeah, to me there has to be an element of sexual tension AND harming your primary relationship in some way.

        I have two really really really close friends and sometimes their needs come before my husband’s wants. Sometimes I will process certain things with them first. Sometimes I’ll talk to them about issues I’m having with my husband.

        But I think the key things are that there is no sexual tension, and these relationships actually make my marriage stronger. It wouldn’t be healthy for me to have my only outlet be my husband, and by talking things through with my friends, I am often then able to have deeper, more productive conversations with my husband.

        1. lasslisa*

          You’re comment reminded me – I too have close friends whose needs sometimes come before my partner’s, but I can TELL him about them. Like, Sara’s in town just this weekend so I’m going to see her and we need to reschedule our plans. Or Mia had a death in the family so I’m going over there with dinner instead of our planned movie night. No sneaking and no shame required.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      When I’m in a relationship, I think about friends as family. I love them, I want to spend time with them, and I talk to them about things. But they’re not in any way potential partners; I think of them more like brothers and sisters. If I started feeling any other way, that would be weird and I would know it’s time to pull back.

      There was only one time I came close to this. I was with someone in a committed relationship, but I met a guy I had an instant connection with who was married. We liked each other a lot and recognized early on that it could be a problem, so in deference to our partners, we backed off even having a friendship.

  82. Bigger car or more airbags*

    Hi
    Don’t think I’ve seen car questions on here before but thought I’d throw it out there. I’m looking at buying a new car – will be a small suv. I’ve narrowed it to 2 options with Hyundai – smaller car with 4 airbags or larger car with 2 airbags. The market I’m in 2 airbags are standard and any more add a lot to the price as they’re on the fully loaded models. But driving here is bad and lots of people have big suvs so I’m looking to be as safe as possible – leaning towards bigger is better – wondering if anyone had similar buying experience. I did look at used cars but nothing suitable and I prefer getting car with 5 year warranty.
    Thanks

    1. The Automobile Expert*

      “Consumer Reports Auto Buying Guide” again.

      Also, you might want to check out the “National Highway Traffic Safety Administration” (NHTSA) Car Safety Ratings website. You have to type in the year, make and model of the car you want to know about and it provides you with a star-based rating system where a 5-star rating is the best.

      2. Anono-me*

        If you are not in the USA, sometimes the cars are named the same but made to different standards.

        Fyi I liked the USA version of the Kona but it doesn’t have a spot for a real spare tire which is a safety issue for me.

      3. Bigger car or more airbags*

        Thanks – appreciate the info. I found a rating for Kona but not the Creta – which I think is made for the Indian market so doesn’t have US or European ratings.

    2. Dave*

      not sure if it’s a viable option, but can you rent one for a week or weekend and see if you really love it.

      1. Bigger car or more airbags*

        Unfortunately the rental cars aren’t hyundais – but am going to borrow a friend’s Kona and take it for a drive. Will probably end up getting the Kona unless i can find a friend of a friend with a Creta – the dealership told me they don’t do test drives for them because they’re so popular they don’t need to! Makes no sense to me but that’s the reality here.

    3. Jdc*

      I wouldn’t recommend a Hyundai is you are actually planning to keep it. Everyone I know who has one after two years the leather is cracked and torn, parts not working. Having a longer warranty doesn’t mean it’s not a POS

  83. Nena*

    Inspired by the thread above about kids not learning housework: What “adulting” skill do you not have but wish you did? Maybe others can chime in with tips about the ones that get listed here.

    1. Nena*

      Mine is laundry related. I don’t understand bleach. I know it will make things white but it seems like you can also use bleach with colors? Or some kinds of bleach? It baffles me and I just avoid it.

      1. Notthemomma*

        Regular bleach is for whites, ‘Color Safe Bleach’ is for everything else. Two separate items for two separate types of clothes.

      2. Filosofickle*

        Eh, you don’t need to understand bleach! Keep avoiding it and you’ll be just fine.

        In my house, I only keep real bleach for cleaning the bathroom. You can only use regular bleach, which is made of chlorine, with truly all-white items, preferably natural fabrics. (Chlorine damages polyester and stretchy fabrics.) So unless you have lots of 100% white cotton, it’s not that useful. And it smells nasty. There is non-chlorine, color-safe bleach that can be used on anything and is allegedly a “stain remover” and “color booster”. I use it sometimes but I’m unconvinced.

        1. Square Root of Minus One*

          Natural VEGETAL fibers. You don’t want to put bleach on wool or silk EVER.
          (My cat gets drunk on bleach smell. I don’t use it much for that reason either)

        2. Natalie*

          It’s not great for white cotton either, any protein stains (like sweat) will turn yellow. I don’t think I’ve used actual chlorine bleach in my laundry since the 90s.

    2. Notthemomma*

      Meal planning. I have tried to plan out a week, even a few days, but it never goes right. Either someone ‘doesn’t feel like having X’ or the workday goes long and there isn’t time to make it. I like to cook, but HATE having to every. Blessed. Day.!!! How do you plan meals in advance??

      1. Jackalope*

        How do you feel about leftovers? I try to do all my cooking on Sunday afternoon and make a few different meals which I eat all week. I also sometimes make extra so I can freeze single servings and then pull them out for days when I just can’t bear to cook.

      2. Jackalope*

        I forgot to mention that I also try to eat as seasonally as possible and get local produce. Not only does that seem to make my body happier (since it likes eating lighter food in the spring and heavier in the winter, for example), but that makes it easier to plan for me. For example I have certain dishes that I only make when the main ingredients are in season and I pull those recipes out with joy when The Thing is at the market.

      3. Filosofickle*

        Well, someone not feeling like it is going to hamper any of your efforts! It does suck to have something planned and not want it. But it’s kind of the only way meal planning works — you plan it, then eat it, even if it’s not ideal.

        For me it’s important to stay realistic about how many days I can cook and my low tolerance for complicated plans. Those articles about how to make one roasted chicken last all week disguised as 5 different dishes? Forget it. I try for at least 2 full meals a week, ideally with one more night of leftovers each. That covers at least 4 nights, especially if one is a soup or stew. Then I make sure there are a couple of low-cook options in the fridge/pantry (ex ravioli) to fill in — they aren’t planned exactly, just there when we need them on the night there’s no time or we don’t want the leftovers. I don’t eat many prepared foods, but they save one’s sanity sometimes and the tradeoff is worth it. That covers most nights. Keeping vegetables in the house is the biggest challenge since they don’t have a great shelf life.

        It’s really only come together for me now that I’ve gotten better at cooking out of the pantry and freezer — I always have shrimp, pasta, tomatoes, garbanzos, bacon, spinach, tuna. Things that can be tossed together really fast without a recipe.

      4. RagingADHD*

        I have a repertoire of basic recipes that I make from staple ingredients, so basically I just decide what proteins to buy in a given week. Sometimes I’ll throw in a new or special recipe, but we stick to a fairly regular rotation of things that will usually get eaten.

        I plan meals around my schedule, so if it will be a hectic afternoon/evening, then I’ll either do something I can make ahead or something super quick & easy.

        If the day goes haywire, then I can use those ingredients for something else another day.

        If anybody doesn’t want to eat what I cooked, then they have a better appetite for breakfast and I get an extra “freebie” lunch.

      5. HBJ*

        Yup, this is what always ruined meal planning for me. Recently, I started planning differently. On the day I plan to do a big shopping trip, I write down what I can make with ingredients I have on hand or what I can make after I get back from the store. So I flip through my cookbooks, Pinterest boards, etc. and think about what I want to make for the next 5-10 days. Then, I add whatever ingredients I need to my shopping list. So when I get home, I have this whole list of meals I can make, but >>>they’re not assigned to a given day.<<< That's what makes it work for me. So I can procrastinate starting dinner and just use one of the easier/quicker meal off the list. Or look at the list in the morning and pull out meat to thaw. Then just cross it off once I make it. I'm actually meal planning consistently for the first time ever doing it this way.

      6. Valancy Snaith*

        I plan my whole week in advance. So I know my schedule, I know Tuesdays are busy so it’ll have to be quick, I know I have Friday off so I can do something that needs a long slow cooking time, etc. I cook meals I know we like, and I can honestly say we rarely have an issue with “not feeling like” whatever–I mean, even if I don’t feel like tacos, we’re having tacos because I took the meat out to thaw and that’s what I have. It’s just part of my weekly routine at this point.

      7. Elizabeth West*

        I can’t do this either. It’s very frustrating. I know the best way to do it is cook on weekends, but I can’t seem to plan it properly.

      8. Koala dreams*

        I plan meals in advance, but I live alone. Also, I seldom follow the plan for the entire week. Sometimes I go off plan half way through, but often I just switch days because I want to eat something else that day. It’s also good to have something in the kitchen cabinet for days when you just don’t have any energy to cook. I have oats, but things like eggs, yoghurt and bread are also good. When I grew up, I had many classmates who never ate hot cooked food for dinner, just yoghurt or sandwiches.

    3. Filosofickle*

      I am bad with plants! I don’t know when to water, or how much. Every time I repot something, it dies. I know I’m supposed to fertilize, but I don’t know what to do and I forget. I can mostly keep them alive but eventually they just get more and more spindly and malnourished.

      Two years ago I bought planters for the front porch, intending to plant some basic herbs, but fatalism set in and they’re still empty.

      Whip up a pie crust? No problem. Shorten pants? Sure. Patch some drywall? On it. Retirement finances? Stressful, but I can manage. But a simple houseplant defeats me.

      2. rockingchair*

        I think the problem with plants is that there is no one rule. Different plants and different conditions needs different schedules. So, herbs in a full-sun window are going to need a different watering schedule than a waxy-leaf plant in a shady window. You have to spend a lot of time going around to the plants every day (2x per day, sometimes) to figure it out. So, if the plants aren’t part of your day, it’s really hard.

    4. TimeTravelR*

      More mechanical skills. My dad was a plumber so I wish I had paid more attention or asked to go on jobs with him (he had his own business so I could have gone as his helper). I can do real basic things like unclog a toilet, replace the guts in the tank, etc. but can’t do bigger plumbing jobs. Both my parents were very DIY and I did not get all the skills. I can do a fair amount around the house but tend to call experts a lot.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I learned a lot from my Dad — I’m handier than the average person (average city dweller at least) — but I regret not having more interest in learning more of what he could teach me. Cars, plumbing, electrical. He’s in his 70s now and he helps me troubleshoot a lot of things but he’s no longer interested in the bigger, hands-on jobs so there’s less opportunity for me to learn than when I was young. He does have a huge shop and tools for everything, which is a tremendous bonus.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I never learned to sew and I think it would be something that would be helpful. Sewing on a button is about as much as I can do.

      I’m also not so great at cleaning things. Mopping floors, doing dishes by hand, washing walls. I do it, but it seems to take me twice as long as everyone else I know.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Personal finance skills like balancing a checkbook and budgeting. Home office organization in general.
      I actually asked mom to let me set up a checking account so I could learn to balance a checkbook before I needed to do it on my own, and she refused. So instead she turned me loose at college with a new tool and no training.

      1. Anon for right now*

        THIS. Also the power of time when you start *early* in life on retirement savings or planning for a mortgage. I’m sure my parents tried but somehow I didn’t completely learn. Can’t go back in time for myself but can partially redeem the situation by being more explicit for our own young adult.

    7. MinotJ*

      Social skills, like how to be a polite friendly person. I was raised in a family where we were expected to be “above” petty stuff like that – we didn’t care what other people thought of us, nor did we bother with arbitrary social rules. As a kid, it seemed like our family were the only ones doing it right.

      Now I wish I knew the rules and could speak the social “language” that the rest of the world seems to be fluent in. I have to force myself to make eye contact with people or say “good morning” or ask how they’re doing – and it feels uncomfortable the entire time. One weird example is excusing myself to go to the restroom. My parents laughed at people who did this at dinner – because of course that’s where you’re going, you don’t have to announce it! So as an adult, I was that weirdo sneaking away from dinner parties or the bar, leaving people to wonder “Where’s MinotJ?”

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        That’s fascinating! I think it’s always the case that every family is a little culture unto itself, but the culture clash with the outside world isn’t usually as dramatic.

        When did you realize that your family circle manners were pretty different from outside culture manners? Or did you always kinda know but only later started to prefer non-family manners?

        1. Purt’s Peas*

          Speaking of manners, I realized these are really personal questions out of the blue!

          I sympathize a lot—I was homeschooled for a year and a half in middle school, with very little peer social contact. Moving from that to middle school again was nuts cause my social skills were almost completely atrophied. I felt like it took three, four years to get (back) to a normal level.

          So I’m really interested in anything like that :)

        2. MinotJ*

          I always knew we were different – even when I was a kid. As I became a teen, I was embarrassed by the differences but I still thought we were right. As I got older, I thought of my deficiencies in the frame of “What goal do I want and what behavior will get me there?” or “Do I want to be right or do I want to have friends?”

          But by my 30s, I was wondering if I was actually right. It turns out that there are many, many ways to be a good person.

  84. JobHunter*

    Any suggestions or advice for someone moving from a small university town (~20,000 people) to a much larger university and city (~750,000)? I am suffering culture shock already, and I’m not moving for almost month!

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      +1,001 to *everything* Dancing Otter said below about city driving. When you live with a lot of people there’s almost always a “congestion” factor that has to be added into any equation. Makes life lots of fun if you have ADD and/or any other built-in challenges (raises hand) in managing time & logistics. However, you learn where you can successfully tweak your schedule to avoid some of the peak crowds. And you learn the other times at which you accept being, literally, one of the crowd. Everybody finds a different mix of solutions: audio books for commuters, grabbing a newspaper for the schlep to/from the laundry room, giving up a weekday evening to get the laundry or shopping accomplished. Some examples below.

      – Google Maps or MapQuest say it’s a fifteen-minute drive from A to B? Maybe on Sunday at 4 a.m. but how about on a regular weekday during rush hour?
      – “Rush hour” itself is a moving target. We lived six years at the so-called outer suburban rim of a large East Coast (U.S.) city. During those six years the area gained so much additional housing that the 7 a.m. main-road traffic backups migrated to 6:30 a.m. In other words, congestion time started earlier, ended later, and domino-like affected everything else. If you drive to the train the “can’t find a parking spot” time migrated earlier. Ditto the “can’t find a seat on the train” time.
      – If a large percentage of folks follow a similar work week schedule (e.g. government workers, M-F, daytime shift) you can expect to find crowded streets and stores on the similar weekend schedule. Trader Joe’s on a Sunday afternoon? Costco any time on a weekend except maybe right after they open?
      – If you do laundry in the shared facilities of a multi-unit building, you *may* find weekend congestion. (In my building, weekend laundry is relatively non-hectic only on Saturday and Sunday afternoons.)
      – Every area has its own particular customs and rhythms that gum up traffic. Annual parades? Street festivals? Tourists or political visitors attending a protest or march? You learn when NOT to drive (or walk) to XYZ area.
      – Most areas also develop collective coping strategies. On staircases and escalators in the Washington, DC, Metro Rail system, people walk to the left and stand to the right. In theory that always leaves a throughway for people running for a train. Visitors and newcomers are expected to learn this quickly.

    2. Victoria, Please*

      Don’t forget to register to vote at your new address! (If you are eligible.)

      What are you most worried about? I moved from a town of 1500 to 250,000, and I was never so relieved in my life. The grocery store did freak me out for the first visit, it was SO big.

      1. JobHunter*

        This is a short term move, so I’ll go back to my hometown to visit and vote. But thanks for the reminder ;)

        I am most worried about the traffic and finding my way around a good-sized city. It’s not the largest metro in that state–maybe the second largest–and the rest of the state is rural. Fortunately, I am familiar with some of those areas due to visits with family who reside there. I’m expecting an Aggie mindset to prevail despite the size of the city. This is also a cross-country move to a completely different climate.

        My second-most concern is finding a suitable place to live. I don’t want to find out that I now live in an apartment complex full of party-hard undergrads or where my car will be broken into on a weekly basis. Scouting apartments online through property management agencies is my current challenge. I haven’t had to rent for a long time. I’m also weighng the cost of commuting by car versus public transport.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      You may or may not experience what I called “country mouse syndrome” in which one feels hella less sophisticated than everyone else. I coped by changing what I wanted to change and ignoring the other characteristics while staying as self-confident as possible. I live in a metro area that attracts many hard-driving, over-achieving folks bent on racking up Accomplishments. That’s great and we certainly need such people in our world!
      However, it’s possible to live a normal life among ordinary folks who may or may not be Accomplished (or Experts, or Recognized as Leaders in their Field)–but also have other qualities and interests. Thus the Director of Medical Care, Noted Political Columnist, Respected Scientist, etc. is also the worker bee who annually chairs the annual July 4th parade, organizes open-to-all holiday meals, leads religious services, etc.

      1. JobHunter*

        More good advice! I have some volunteer activities and clubs that have chapters all over the country. I’ll look into getting involved in the new place.

  86. MsChanandlerBong*

    Maybe I am a weirdo, but I do NOT like all the soft sheets on the market. I don’t want microfiber, or 600-thread-count sheets, or flannel sheets. I want the stiff, scratchy sheets of my youth–in my mind, they were a lot cooler and more comfortable. Does anybody still make this type of sheet? I am talking cheap 180-TC sheets made out of stiff fabric.

      1. valentine*

        they were a lot cooler and more comfortable. […] I am talking cheap 180-TC sheets
        Yes! I am sure Egyptian cotton is nice, but I am a furnace and even 200-TC is too much. I wake up boiling near-daily and there are few mornings I don’t need AC. (My doctors don’t know why and don’t care.)

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Look for percale sheets. I’ve found them at Target, West Elm, Macy’s and LLBean. I hate silky sheets!

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I hate polyester with a passion–it holds moisture like the plastic it is.
      So for me, at least 50% cotton is key. Try putting “percale” into your search, that’s the basic sheet weave from the 70s. One suggestion to go in a followup comment.
      I’ve been told linen wicks even better but it’s so expensive that I’m considering attempting to make sheets from the linen I bought before I stopped doing historic reenactment.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I haven’t bought any of these, I’m just in bed with a fever so scrolling through Amazon *for someone else* is a safe way to kill time.
        100% cotton, 200 count percale https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07416ZHN9/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_WLylEb6ATN2TK
        55Cotton/45poly blend , 180 count percale. Sorting low to high turned up commercial grade, mostly sold by sheet type not sets
        https://smile.amazon.com/Sheets-Cotton-66×104-White-6-Pack/dp/B016JGSWB2/ref=mp_s_a_1_15
        https://smile.amazon.com/Linteum-Textile-1-Piece-66×104-Thread/dp/B07TLD75KF/ref=mp_s_a_1_25

    5. fposte*

      Your problem is that the cheap sheets of your youth were probably not synthetic fabric but really low-grade cotton, and now cheap sheets will be synthetic and slick and not very breathable. You might read through thewirecutter dot com on sheet recommendations, because they do offer recommendations for crisp sheets as well as soft sheets, and that might give you more insight into the contemporary sheet landscape.

    6. Bluebell*

      I know what you mean about older sheets! My family has a shared cabin that we bought with linens and all the kitchen stuff. There’s one set of cotton sheets that is just perfect! I will never get rid of them.

    8. Koala dreams*

      You can try second hand stores, they often sell things like sheets very cheaply. Some of them will the modern kind of course, but if you get lucky you’ll find older ones.

  87. Dancing Otter*

    City driving is different. Don’t trust time estimates on your GPS app, for starters. Always allow at least an extra fifteen minutes for finding a parking spot, and then walking from there to your actual destination. That’s a conservative estimate, too, because some neighborhoods are much worse.
    A certain percentage of city drivers consider it a competition. Getting even one car length ahead of you is a win. Never, ever, assume someone will stop when the light turns red. Red light cameras are starting to help, but a lot of people learned “red plus two”.
    Similarly, don’t count on being let over when you want to merge or change lanes – allow extra distance. And never, for the love of little green apples, drive in the left hand lane if you’re not going faster than the people to your right. (US highways in general, but there’s a higher concentration of crazy drivers in big cities. Too many are armed.)
    Watch out for parking restrictions. Some neighborhoods require a specific code on your vehicle sticker in order to park without being ticketed or towed. Some places have street cleaning days, when no street parking is allowed. A lot of places have no parking after 3” of snowfall. And then there are the special event restrictions, and construction, and people who plant dumpsters on the street in front of their buildings. Towing is big business, and impound lots are not located for the convenience of drivers whose cars have been towed: major hassle and major expense.
    Speaking of parking tickets, pay them promptly. Your car can be booted or towed, even if legally parked, if you have too many outstanding tickets.
    I don’t know if your small town requires city stickers and emission tests, but those are standard in big cities. The legal window for reporting your address change, and getting new plates (if changing states), drivers license, and sticker, is shorter than I consider reasonable, but what’s the quote? The law is an ass, or something like that? The cops in my neighborhood go around bright and early the day after the annual renewal deadline. Emission tests are more nuisance than anything else, unless there’s something actually wrong with your car, but get it done early – the lines are insane at the end of the month.

    Find out who your alderman is, and don’t be afraid to contact him/her. Big city means big bureaucracy, but the alderman’s office can cut through a lot of red tape. You don’t have to donate, but be sure you’re a registered voter.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Reading this made me want to buy an unlimited bus pass and never drive a car again! Which might not be a bad thing.

    4. JobHunter*

      Thank you for the heads-up on emissions testing. That’s something I haven’t had to do before and this city is one of the two that require testing.

      This is all good info as well.

  88. Akcipitrokulo*

    My dad got me a writing day for christmas (6 hours, lunch & snacks included, no internet and lots of support for just writing)

    … and I suddenly have a block! I have no idea what to write!

    1. So Not The Boss Of Me*

      Sounds about right. Why do our brains do this to us? I suggest defocusing on this. You could do steam of consciousness writing to occupy your blocking brain so the creative brain can work. Or stop completely and do other things, especially physical things– walking, swimming, visiting– inspiration will find you when it’s ready and your brain is busy with something else.

      1. Akcipitrokulo*

        It turned out really well :) having space and short burst of just writing worked very nicely.

  89. Button ejection*

    Two buttons ejected themselves from my clothing yesterday.
    The first was when I was going to the toilet. I went to undo my pants, then the button just popped off and went straight into the toilet bowl. Luckily I have spare buttons at home.
    The second was when I got home, sat down, and one of my short buttons ripped off somehow. Not the thread snapping. Somehow it tore the shirt fabric.

  90. Bilateralrope*

    If you are unfamiliar with Pohutukawa trees, go look up some images of them. We have a lot of them around my work.

    Now imagine street gutters red from their fibers. Imagine those fibers collected into large red clumps that look like fur from a distance.

    Also I somehow got a dead bug stuck to my windscreen when my car was completely stationary. I’d like to know how.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Those are really pretty, but I see what you mean.

      I love mimosas. However, I do not like the mimosa all over my car, as I am currently forced to park under one at my mum’s.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        So true… I love eating hickory nuts but my mother in law has a tree RIGHT over the parking spaces. Between nuts dropping hard onto my car and squirrel debris, it’s a miserable month.
        And then there are the black walnuts LOL.

  91. Pet names*

    I’ve woken up in a right mood today and I think in part it’s because spouse seems to be road testing pet names. Yesterday he repeatedly called me a ‘cheeky middan’ (middan = bin in Scots) or ‘schnookie-lumps’. I think these are objectively awful things to call me. He says they are affectionate. Am I being unreasonable?

    1. Clara*

      I don’t think they’re objectively awful – they’re the sort of thing I hear a lot as pet names, and if they convey affection between the people in question they’re absolutely fine.

      The issue isn’t that they are “objectively” anything – pet names are very subjective by nature. It’s that YOU don’t feel loved when they are used for you. If he wishes to convey affection then he should listen to you when you tell him these terms don’t communicate that affection to you (regardless of whatever they might be intended to mean and whatever others might feel is conveyed by them) and adjust his behavior accordingly.

      The fact that he isn’t hearing you when you tell him these are not working for you is concerning. Is this the only place in your relationship where you feel unheard?

    2. misspiggy*

      I’ve had a similar thing, and it’s very odd to me. Some of them I’ve been very clear that I won’t accept, and he’ll still try them every now and again. He’s got one of those punning minds, and constantly feels the need to let the sonic bubbles out of his brain. I think it’s more likely to be a sound thing rather than a desire to undermine you (unless he’s like that in other ways), but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with things that you associate with negativity.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      Get him a cat and he can use all the schnookie-widdums names he wants on Not You. Or a teddy bear, if you want to go low maintenance.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      If you counter with “objectively awful” you may or may not get your point across as it is open to debate in his mind.

      Why not counter with, “I don’t like that name. Please don’t call me that.” Here, he cannot tell you that you do like the name. Only you have say over what you like and don’t like.

    5. Texan In Exile*

      Nope. Not unreasonable. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it.

      I had a boyfriend who called me “Dollface.” I HATED IT. But I never used my words. Current me would say, “I don’t like that name. Please just call me ‘Texan.'” But me of 25 years ago thought I had to accept things that other people decided.

    6. LGC*

      Am I being unreasonable?

      Nah. He means well (and this is where everyone shouts at me), but the problem is…he’s making you VERY uncomfortable. You’re justified in saying that he can’t call you those things, and you don’t like pet names in general (if you don’t). I wouldn’t say that they’re objectively awful to him, but you do get to say that he doesn’t get to call you a cheeky middan.

        1. LGC*

          Funny enough, I actually DID manage to convince myself this was a NAH (I was initially leaning towards NTA, and I still feel weird about it). OP’s husband is in the wrong and his defensiveness wasn’t great…but it’s also understandable.

          Granted I’m also assuming he only did this once or twice, so I could be wrong here. Also, OP and their husband sound Scottish and as an American I’m hearing all this in a Scottish accent and I’m a little too charmed by it.

    7. Fikly*

      My father called my sister the French for “my little cabbage.” He swears it was affectionate, but I thought it was very strange.

      1. fposte*

        Mon petit chou! I was also taught that it’s an endearment in France. Any France dwellers know for sure?

        1. Auntie Social*

          It is, it’s pretty common. And Prince Philip calls the Queen “Cabbage”—in a good way. Choux a la creme means cream puff, which is where it started, I think.

    8. Pet names*

      Thank you all. I’m much less grumpy now AND since I wrote this post this morning he has used neither expression. My message must have sunk in.

      Also, there was an article in the paper today about AITA which reminded me to go and have a judgy-read. Glad it’s NAH – I do actually like him!

  92. Call me St. Vincent*

    So our house has multiple offers at list price after being on the market for a little over a week! We don’t have to move until June/July but our realtor thought we would have much less competition putting it on now. I also wanted to list a bit higher hoping to end up where we are now with offers through negotiating but she thought that listing where we listed would bring in multiple offers, and she was right. Overall, I am SO IMPRESSED with our realtor.

    The only problem is, although we are super happy with the offers we have gotten from qualified buyers, emotionally we weren’t really ready for it to sell THIS fast. We thought it might sell in the first month or two, but the first week is a total trip. The offer we liked best from the most qualified buyer wants a much quicker close than we anticipated and we are sort of feeling out whether they would be willing to close later. The thing is, we love our house so much and we are actually feeling sad now that it is all so real and may be much sooner than we thought. We are moving out of state or we would never leave this house. We put WAY too much money into it and a whole lot of love. The good thing is we are very excited to move to our new city, so that does take some of the sting away. We just spent a week in the new city looking at schools for the kids and know we will be so happy there.

    If we close soon, we can move in with family, but that seems super daunting for such a long time. Our realtor is also exploring short term rentals for us, but it’s hard to get something for our dates since most places around here want to rent out for the summer and wouldn’t be keen on us staying for the months of May or June. Another issue is we have a dog and not a lot of short term places are dog-friendly. Finally, moving our kids twice is not ideal, but it would be crazy not to accept the offers we have gotten on the house!

    I guess I am just looking for moral support here? Or anyone who has had a similar experience? Thanks guys!

    1. Bibliovore*

      Take the money! You cannot predict the future. When we were selling it was a great market and we were kind of dragging our feet for many of the same timing reasons as you. Then hurricane Sandy and it took a year to sell. oy.
      Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, kids. Yes, every concern but. If I were to do it over I would have put most of my stuff in storage in new City. Camped out for a few months where ever.

    2. MinotJ*

      Moral support! I haven’t sold a house yet, but I’ve put a lot of sweat equity into my fist home. It was a run-down dump when I bought it and now it’s turning into exactly the weird home I love to live in. The market has skyrocketed, so it’s almost doubled in value since I bought it. I know I can think rationally now “Take the money!!”, but when the time comes to sell it, I know I’ll have all kinds of feelings about leaving it – and about somebody undoing all the quirky changes that made it perfect. So remember why you love your house; the memories won’t change. And then take the windfall. (I hope I’ll be able to take this advice when it’s my turn.)

      1. Bibliovore*

        I know how you feel. Our old apt was renovated and gorgeous with built in cherry wood shelving in my office. They could have moved with us but the Realtor convinced me to leave them in the sale.
        Stopped by after it sold to give the new owners the remote for the air conditioner. They tore out the shelving. Broke my heart. Take the money. don’t look back. will put in link in next comment if I can.

        2. MinotJ*

          Ouch! I started reading your comment and screaming “Nooooooooo…” in my head. The shelves sound beautiful.

    3. fposte*

      Another possibility is to close but rent the house back from the new owners. It’s not an arrangement that people tend to leap on, for obvious reasons, but I’m throwing it out there.

      But yeah, take the offer. While I realize it’s earlier than you anticipated, there’s also a ripping-off-the-bandaid thing happening with your leaving the house at all.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Unfortunately, they need the closing date because they already sold their house and they are closing soon on it. I actually asked if the people buying their house would let us rent the house short term (it’s super cute!) and our agent was like, we can ask but that’s a long shot! I think we are just going to have to suck it up and figure out a short term rental….

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Since you don’t have to negotiate on price, why not negotiate on closing date?

      My thought is to go one by one ask each of the offering parties if they can wait until June to close. Whoever says yes, gets the house.
      ** Not a realtor. Just offering a suggestion to talk about with your realtor.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        We tried! They are about to close on the sale of their own house so they need to move soon. I wish we could negotiate more about that but they don’t seem to have the ability.

    5. So Not The Boss Of Me*

      I understand! We put our house on the market just to find out what people didn’t like, rather than guessing which of multiple problems to work on. Figured we’d fix those things and put it back on the market the next year to actual sell. Also due to a great Realtor, we had multiple offers the first day! We didn’t know where we wanted to move to! We just knew we wanted not to own property anymore. We wanted to travel and couldn’t afford it owning a home.
      We laughed and giggled. And then cried and fretted. And then we took a deep, deep breath and focused wholly on our new life. Almost seven years later we’re still traveling and have never regretted it once.
      You have a wonderful life ahead that you know you will love. Focus there! You will always have your memories of that great house, but the future is in a different house. Enjoy it.

    6. Lucette Kensack*

      Omg, yes.

      I posted a little bit about our selling-and-buying saga last spring and summer. The short version is that we made an offer on a condo (downsizing from a house to a condo), it was accepted and then pulled and we had four days to get our house on the market and through inspection. The house sold in the first 18 hours, but the condo fell through and we had to move in with my parents for the summer while we kept looking for another condo.

      We have a happy ending, though. We bought the world’s greatest condo. Like, it’s perfect — AND $50k less than the condo we lost.

      Check out AirBNB for a short-term option. We found lots of options that would have allowed our dog, and had totally flexible terms, since they’re set up to rent one night at a time. They usually didn’t offer any discounts for renting it for weeks or months at a time, so they weren’t cheap, but they felt like a good emergency option.

      1. So Not The Boss Of Me*

        If you contact the host, they will often give you a discount for longer stay. I usually contact several and see.

      2. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! I went on their sublet page but I didn’t think about doing the regular air bnb! I will check it out.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Take the offer and run. You never know what will happen if you don’t.

      We’re finally selling our old house, which we rented out twice in the last five years (awful experiences both times–had to evict them both) while living in our new house almost an hour away. We got an offer within two weeks of listing, but it’s 25k below asking price. We jumped on it for many reasons: there’s been no other interest, even though there have been lots of showings (and we listed last year and had no interest); the neighborhood has gone way downhill since we moved in there 23 years ago; the neighboring house was divided into four (FOUR!!!) apartments and they now have a chicken coop with a rooster that crows every morning at 5 am, plus goats; it’s on a dead end surrounded by three businesses and one multi-family (other than that other one mentioned), which often has drug raids, multiple weirdos living there, lots of police activity, etc.; and the previous tenants did some damage, including smoking heavily in the house once we started eviction proceedings and not telling us that certain things needed to be fixed. I feel like I’m being robbed, but I’m also grateful SOMEONE is willing to buy it. Houses in that area take more than six months to sell and we can’t handle two mortgages anymore–we’ve been doing it practically since last March already–nor can we risk being picky and it selling for even less in the end. We’ll have to take a loan to pay off the shortfall, but it’s better than paying the whole mortgage. It’s not a great situation, but at least we’ll be rid of it.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! Yes it’s hard because we have gotten so many offers but these people are probably the best buyers we will get. We are giving the other offers until 7 pm tonight to come up and then if we still like these buyers we are going to try to negotiate a tiny bit more about the closing date. Stress!

  93. Searching*

    Has anyone seen any sort of battery operated small slow cooker or fondue pot? Or even a gravy warmer sort of thing? I want to use it to keep queso dip warm. I have a small corded crock pot, but the table with the food isn’t at all near the outlet. I know I can get a fondue thing that has a candle or sterno, but there will be kids around and don’t want open flame.

    1. it happens*

      How about an ac outlet portable charging bank? Like a spare battery for your phone, but with a higher capacity and a plug for your current slow cooker.

      1. Searching*

        That would be perfect. I was looking for something like that but maybe wasn’t using the right search terms. I’ll have to see if I can find one that isn’t too spendy.

    2. Ain't Miss Behavin'*

      Ha! I was on a quest for something like this at Thanksgiving. The only products I found that came close were

      1) these granite warming plates that you heat in the microwave and then they’re supposed to keep warm for 30 minutes:
      https://www.homedepot.com/p/Chef-Buddy-Cheff-Buddy-Granite-Warming-Plate-M031017/301100023

      2) this plug-in lazy Susan that heats up in 8 minutes, then you detach it from the cord and it’s supposed to keep your food warm for an hour:
      https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/salton-cordless-lazy-susan-hot-tray/1047085305?skuId=47085305

      3) this gravy boat warmer that you plug in until the base gets warm, and then can set the gravy boat on top (have to add the food at serving temp):
      https://www.amazon.com/Crock-Pot-SCCPVG000-18-Ounce-Electric-Warmer/dp/B007K9OG1I/ref=pd_sbs_79_t_1/139-1080697-5811926?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B007K9OG1I&pd_rd_r=0bdc40e5-0dcb-4a53-9aa5-10f71182f116&pd_rd_w=zIdjI&pd_rd_wg=zcW9W&pf_rd_p=5cfcfe89-300f-47d2-b1ad-a4e27203a02a&pf_rd_r=Q5N0YCWMW38Z1A9KY2BY&psc=1&refRID=Q5N0YCWMW38Z1A9KY2BY

      and 4) this product that has a reservoir for boiling water that is supposed to keep your sauce warm. This particular one is pretty pricey but I’m sure you can find similar products elsewhere:
      https://www.orvis.com/p/warming-pitcher/41CK?item_code=41CK0000&adv=127748&cm_mmc=plas-_-Home-_-41CK-_-127748&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIyaq07oei5wIVTtbACh20-QowEAQYAyABEgLjY_D_BwE

      I purchased and used the gravy boat warmer, although it isn’t the same model (mine is a Salton). I didn’t plan properly and I wasn’t all that impressed, but I think it was more my fault than the product’s. I also purchased the lazy Susan, but it never got delivered or possibly was stolen. :o( I think the granite ones that go in the microwave, and the boiling water ones, have the best reviews.

      Good luck!

    3. Ain't Miss Behavin'*

      Oops, my comment went into moderation because of the links. Short version: I think the two best options are below.

      Chef Buddy Granite Warming Plates, at Home Depot. You put them in the microwave for a few minutes and it is supposed to keep your food warm on the table for up to an hour.

      Warming Pitcher, at Orvis. It has a reservoir to pour boiling water into, and it’s supposed to keep liquids warm for the duration of a meal. It’s kind of spendy, so I bet you could find similar products elsewhere.

      I haven’t been able to try either yet, but they’re on my list! Good luck!

      1. Searching*

        Thanks for the suggestions! I’ll have to look into them. I actually have a warming tray (like the lazy Susan I guess; you plug it in to charge/heat and then bring it to the table). My only concern with that is little hands touching it :-/

  94. Thinking about Kids*

    Me/my group of friends are all in their early 30s. One couple recently had a miscarriage and she now has unstoppable semi-continuous bleeding; she’s a nurse in a very stressful job that involves doing moratorium duties (coding patients/they die). Another couple, both doctors in their early 30s, has tried unsuccessfully for 11 months but unwilling to do IVF because they’re devout Catholic; the wife is very stressed out at her job working 15 hour days plus weekends.

    1. Is infertility increasing overall?
    2. Are the above cases due to stress? There’s only one person who had a baby, but the baby was a full month premature—the wife’s job was so stressful and involved 2 hour commutes.
    3. It seems like everyone I know is plagued with infertility ://// Hubs and I are trying later this year. If we get preggers, how do we best interact with friends to be sensitive of their feelings?

    1. Asenath*

      Stress does have an effect on fertility and also on pregnancy outcome, I’m sure of it although I don’t have the figures to hand. On the other hand, many (maybe most) problems have more than one cause – perhaps stress alone wouldn’t have caused problems, but combined with any of a dozen other factors, well, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. You just don’t know; possibly even the doctor doesn’t know for sure. Also, the best age for pregnancy is early, in the twenties, and our society isn’t organized to support that easily. Sure, there are women who have perfectly healthy change-of-life babies after a healthy pregnancy, but in general, the older a woman is, the more her fertility is likely to have declined. And if she doesn’t even know there might be a problem (because she didn’t try to get pregnant earlier), time can run out pretty fast while trying to figure out what if anything can be done.

      But when you’re talking to your friends, please DON’T speculate on causes. If they mention a loss to you, respond as you would to any sad news, with sympathy and willingness to listen. And – well, I wouldn’t police my conversation to avoid all mention of babies or children. Some people in such a situation are very easily upset by such things, but others don’t want you to tiptoe around such commonplace comments like “Jane is pregnant”. Act normally, and if you find out that one person is upset by the mention of babies or children or pregnancy, then stop for that person.

    2. fposte*

      1. I’m finding information that infertility rates have actually decreased, even among older women. However, impaired fecundity, which I find confusingly described but includes difficulty in carrying to term (so your first friend would fall under this category), has increased but only very slightly. I think people are talking more about infertility than they used to and also the alternative methods for adding children to the family are more evident should people choose them.
      2. Mayo Clinic says there’s no evidence that stress actually causes early-stage miscarriage. March of Dimes says some stress symptoms, like high blood pressure, could enhance likelihood of premature birth and low birth weight.
      3. I would ask those friends this question directly, in a quiet time before it becomes unavoidable.

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        Stress is one way for the medical community to assign blame to women for otherwise-unexplained infertility, but babies have been conceived and carried to term in stressful times throughout history, including in concentration camps.
        Age is a definite contributor to infertility, and I honestly believe that in the U.S. our squeamishness around sex education means that we don’t have a good understanding our bodies and reproductive health. Many women are shocked to learn that having regular periods is not an accurate predictor of fertility. We have turned back the clock on many effects of aging, but not fertility, unfortunately.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, like telling somebody carrying a baby and juggling a million other responsibilities to “calm down” will fix things.

          Funnily, I was a gut “yes” on the rising rate of infertility until I looked it up, and it is interesting to me that is really is decreasing even in older people. So it looks like we may be turning the clock back a little, even if not as much as some people would like.

      2. Cat*

        Yeah, I haven’t looked at the research myself but what I was told is that stress might affect this stuff I’d it’s at the level where you’re in a refugee camp. Not because you had a bad day at work.

        I think I did see a study that long commutes were correlated with premature birth though.

        Also worth nothing that the couple trying for 11 months in their early 30s doesn’t even quite meet the definition of infertility yet. Sometimes it just takes a while. Also there are fertility treatments they can try short of IVF.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      1 and 2. By all accounts, yes. Stress increases the chance of miscarriage and decreases the likelihood of successful implantation, and people are undeniably more stressed than they used to be, and that’s just increasing. Having children later also contributes to fertility problems, but most people can’t afford to have a child at peak fertility. There’s also environmental factors, a lot of which are related to the increasing wealth gap.
      3. I really have no idea for this one, sorry.

    4. HBJ*

      I don’t know that infertility itself is increasing, but things that can be factors are.

      People are waiting longer and longer to have children, and that is a factor. We also have a huge obesity problem in the US, and that can be a factor in not only infertility but also various pregnancy issues such as gestational diabetes.

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      Stress can affect fertility, but in more of the sense that stress is bad for your body overall rather than specifically causing infertility. Stressed women get pregnant all the time. Women get pregnant in refugee camps and fleeing war-torn countries and in terrible situations financially, emotionally, and in a million other ways.

      What’s more, 11 months is within the range of normal. I’m sure they’re very unhappy, but a doctor will not diagnose infertility in someone under 35 until they’ve been trying a full year without success. Stress could be causing their problems, but it does not necessarily mean it is.

      Ask your friends. No one here can tell you. Maybe your friends want to be included, maybe they don’t want to hear about it at all. Every person is different.

    6. blackcat*

      All sorts of things impact one’s ability to get pregnant/carry to term. Male stress/lifestyle stuff can also impact their fertility, so it’s not all about women being stressed.
      I have technically been pregnant twice. First time I got the flu at 4.5 weeks (so barely pregnant) and my body noped right out of that situation. Stuff like that happens, too, and it’s easy to not even detect that as a pregnancy.
      Long commutes are associated with premature birth, but long commutes are bad for your health no matter what. A basic principle is that anything that is bad for your health will have a larger impact on pregnant people because the body is already under stress/working extra hard during pregnancy.
      FWIW, I strongly recommend waiting to tell people, and then telling people in text/email if they have struggled. That way their reaction can be in private.

    7. Fikly*

      Depends how you define infertility.

      Infertility among people trying to get pregnant is overall going up, but largely due to factors such as trying to conceive at older ages, which is known to cause higher rates of trouble conceiving.

      Also, fyi, if you are under 35, and have been trying for less than a year, you cannot be diagnosed with infertility (without something other than just not getting pregnant). 35 and over it’s 6 months.

      I would ask your friends how they would like you to be sensitive to their feelings. Ask them now, and you don’t even have to say you will be trying. You can say you’ve been thinking about the difficulties they’ve been having related to having children, and in case you end up pregnant (hey, accidents happen) you would like to know how to be sensitive of their feelings. There is no universal answer.

    8. Please Don't*

      Re the Catholic friends. There is a whole range of options between getting pregnant the regular way and IVF. Many of which are perfectly acceptable for Catholics. In fact the first step is to do tests and try drugs. And 11 months us not that long. It was 15 for my first, drugs to trigger ovulation for my second and the third I knew that I was likely going to get pregnant the moment it happened and told my husband.
      Also using natural family planning information is a simple way to determine when you are ovulating.

    9. WellRed*

      I can’t speak to whether infertility overall is increasing but want to point to the commonality here that these people are all over 30. Despite how we as a society have evolved generally, biologically it’s a different animal. It starts declining earlier than we are willing to admit. Stress doesn’t help,.

      1. Green Kangaroo*

        Very true. When celebrities who are in their mid forties and early fifties are getting pregnant, it’s (almost) always with donor eggs. That’s very rarely discussed, though, which leads a lot of people to believe that it’s possible to conceive easily at that age.

    10. Sleve McDichael*

      I personally think that the increase in fertility discussed above has had a weird effect where because pregnancy is so much more common, infertility stands out and feels more common than it is. In these days where due to IVF, birth control and better medical care it can seem like just about everyone who wants to get pregnant can, then untreatable infertility seems like a big deal and comes as a shock. The human brain is terrible at calculating probability, that’s why people can be terrified of planes yet comfortable in cars. I think it’s the same probability tricks in play here.
      That doesn’t help when you’re the one who rolled 5 sixes in a row though. For your friends, you can be sensitive by letting them ask questions or not, and watching for signs of discomfort and being willing to move the conversation on. Also I’m sure you won’t but it goes saying that you don’t post pregnancy stuff in group chats right after they’ve posted bad news, or close to anniversaries. Best wishes!

  95. StudentA*

    Can someone explain to me the point of a duvet and duvet cover? Why not just get a comforter? Sure, duvets are cheaper, but it just seems silly.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I didn’t even know what the difference is. Had to look it up (lots of links about “What is the difference between a duvet and a comforter?”). Easier to wash the cover instead of the whole duvet, I guess?

    2. fposte*

      I’m not sure where you’re located, but “duvet” is less established in the US, where I am, and I find terminology all over the map on the matter, which doesn’t help. Several sources use “duvet” on its own as a term for comforter covers; others say there’s no such thing as a comforter cover and anything you put a comforter into is a duvet cover, but they don’t sell anything actually called a duvet. Another source uses the term opposite to my understanding.

      My guess is that the cheapness, the ready availability, and the design factor are what keeps duvets popular in some places, but that in the U.S. the stuff sold as comforters for, like, the college and university market are a close duvet equivalent. I personally have comforters (different ones for different seasons) but use them with covers because I don’t use a top sheet.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      The point of the cover is it’s generally easier to launder the cover than the whole thing. So you can wash the cover weekly when you do your sheets (or however frequently you change the linens) and theoretically the thing inside the cover needs less frequent cleaning because of the extra layer between humans and it. If you’re just using a comforter (even with a top sheet) that’s going to need cleaning more frequently… most people probably don’t, but that’s the premise anyway. It’s about how sanitary the stuff on your bed is or isn’t and how convenient it is or isn’t to keep it so.

    4. Courageous cat*

      Yeah, for laundering. And it’s just easier to find a duvet cover than it is to find a full on comforter that i like.

    5. So Not The Boss Of Me*

      I think duvet is the French word, but maybe marketers just made it up. I’m being silly, but the diff is indeed the cover. IME in a dozen European cities, when they learn English, the translation for their language’s word for duvet is blanket. The translation for duvet cover is sheet. (When I ask for a duvet, they don’t know what I’m talking about.)
      Yes, they put the sheet on the outside, because it gets washed regularly, and the “blanket” is inside away from sweat and dust. They don’t use “regular” top sheets, but each person usually gets their own duvet. No arguing over the covers.
      As someone whose spouse takes all the covers and throws the sheet up over my head (thereby waking me), I love it. It feels so civilized!

    6. Eng*

      1) I can wash a queen size duvet cover in my own machine no problem but queen size comforter is pushing it and king would be impossible at home. 2) I like down, and washing/drying down would be a pain no matter the size. 3) I can change up the design easily without buying or storing multiple bulky things, just more covers. Frankly, comforters seem gross to me! No one I know washes them regularly.

    7. Valancy Snaith*

      I can wash the duvet cover instead of washing the whole duvet. I can change the duvet cover quickly and easily instead of buying a new comforter. I can change the weight of the duvet depending on the season.

    8. cat socks*

      I have a plain white down comforter that I put in a duvet cover. I can easily wash the duvet in the washer. I get the comforter professionally cleaned. And I can use different duvet colors when I change my sheets.

    9. Merci Dee*

      This thread has been interesting to me. In my area, “comforters” are the relatively cheap poly-fill bed covers that you can get for $30 – $75 depending on the size of the bed, and “duvets” are the down-filled bedding that costs substantially more than the standard comforters.

      I agree on the duvet covers, though, about them being more practical to wash and change up the look of your bedding. Since my comforters are the poly-fill sort, though, they’re very easy to wash and dry when we launder the rest of the sheets.

    11. Zona the Great*

      I’ll throw a kink in here—I use a bed spread which I know to be large enough to touch the floor but provides little warmth. I wash it only once a month which may sound gross. I live in a hot city so no comforter for me.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A thick duvet with cover means bed making is just fluffing and straightening.
      The duvet cover can be used in the summer without the duvet.
      And if you buy two sheet sets, you put the fitted sheets to work and sew the flat ones together for a matching duvet cover.

  96. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Had great evening yesterday with a friend. Made dinner, and talked for basically 4 hours. I’m slightly concerned for her – she’s in a newish relationship with a guy who seemed fine when I met him, but apparently discontinued treatment for his depression/anxiety (not sure exactly the breakdown, could be either or both). He’s shifting into a toxic/abusive mindset. She’s not happy about it and is actively slowing things down, while also telling him he needs help. We’ll see what happens, but I’m going to be keeping closer tabs on her to make sure she’s ok. And I’m friends with her entire family, so can ring the alarm bell if needed.

    People, if you have mental health issues, they don’t just get better. You need to take care of it, over your lifetime.

  98. Pumpa Rumpa*

    I’m really stressed right now.

    I posted a couple of weeks ago asking for potty training tips for my puppy. Thank you to all who responded. We are finally seeing progress. However, having a puppy in general is very stressful (as was expected)!

    Unfortunately, my cat has started stress peeing. We got her on some meds, but it’s only been a few days.

    My boyfriend is moving in and has to be out of his place by the end of the week. We decided this before getting the dog, but it has complicated things. My place is a mess, but it’s hard to clean/organize with boxes coming in every day.

    I’m interviewing for a new job on Thursday. I won’t go into detail since this is the non-work thread, but it’s in the same department I currently work in, so there’s some drama.

    I’m trying to focus on the good. The dog is getting trained, potty and obedience. He’ll have his last round of vaccinations soon, so we can start taking him out. He went to doggy daycare on Friday and everyone loved him and he had fun. I love my cat. She’s a sweetheart. I’m excited to start the next phase of my relationship with my boyfriend. Things will get better. This week in particular has a lot going on!

  99. Vicky Austin*

    What do you think about Lizzo and her body positive message? (For those of you who don’t know, she is a rapper. She is obese and posed nude on her album cover as a way of promoting body positivity.) Do you think she’s sending her fans a good message to love their bodies no matter what? Or do you think she’s promoting an unhealthy lifestyle? As for me personally, I can kind of see both sides of the issue. On one hand, fat people are often cruelly bullied and taught to be ashamed of how they look. On the other hand, a diet of fattening foods can result in high cholesterol, heart attacks, high blood pressure, and diabetes.

    1. Courageous cat*

      I don’t think there’s anything promotional about it. It’s fine for her to be happy and feel good about her own skin.

      I think as a society we place a lot of extremely disingenuous “concern” and “interest” in the health of overweight people – are we walking around concerned about the health metrics of a thin person? I know some thin people who eat more junk food than anyone. My point is, weight is not an indicator of health, plenty of thin people are unhealthy for a variety of reasons, and I’d love to see people stop bringing up health as the reason to (frankly) not respect people who are overweight.

      1. Vicky Austin*

        “Are we walking around concerned about the health metrics of a thin person?”
        If the person is significantly underweight, then yes, we worry that they may have anorexia. Not eating enough can be even more deadly than eating too much. Plenty of people overeat and live to be senior citizens, but starving yourself can literally kill you.

        1. valentine*

          People always have a problem with African American women being happy and loving ourselves. This isn’t a discussion for outsiders. There must be someone white you can have a proper discussion about.

        2. Courageous cat*

          I am not talking about being significantly underweight, and you’re being disingenuous again. You know very well this is a discussion about how even normal-sized people can be unhealthy, and the key here is to MYOB about other people’s bodies.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Also I realize I’m sounding somewhat inflammatory here but this is a really long-time argument that tries to prevent people from loving/accepting their bodies, and it’s tedious to rehash year after year. Ultimately I just wish people would accept that it’s less about a stranger’s health and more about their emotions surrounding that body acceptance.

    2. BRR*

      I read someone say that she can can sing, rap, and dance for an hour and then still have the breath control to play the flute, how out of shape can she be? And that really stuck with me.

      2. Vicky Austin*

        Good point! I should add that I don’t know anything about Lizzo’s health habits. Some people are fat despite having healthy lifestyles. I am one of them. I’m overweight because of the side effects of my medication, and going without the meds is not an option. However, I am in excellent shape otherwise. I work out at the gym several times a week, I can do 100 push-ups without stopping, and I can bike the length of a half-marathon in less than an hour. I also try to eat healthy and limit my sugar intake.
        Still, I remember in high school, my friends and I were like, “we’ll eat whatever we want and we don’t give a fug about conforming to the media’s standard of beauty,” blissfully ignoring the health problems that we were risking. When we educate young people about diet and exercise, we need to make the focus be “eat right and exercise so you’ll be healthy,” rather than “eat right and exercise so you’ll look like a model.”

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I got permission to skip health class in favor of AP Bio /specifically/ because I was underweight.

          I mean, I was also dying, but since I was skinny, clearly I was healthy, right?

        2. fposte*

          That’ll happen as soon as 1) we figure out and agree on what “eat right” means; 2) we make that easy and economically possible in institutions and without; and 3) we systemically build kid and adult schedules that don’t lock us into a sedentary existence.

          At that point, we will also enjoy the bacon flying through the air :-).

        3. Gatomon*

          I think your point that some people are fat despite healthy lifestyles is super important. I come from a long line of thin people, and I am thin myself, but I don’t eat right, I don’t exercise, my body just doesn’t put on muscle or fat naturally. As a teenager I got so tired of people accusing me of not eating that I went on a very visible soda, pizza, fries and candy diet trying to gain weight. It didn’t work at all, and that’s when I realized that some of us are just set up differently. While I can put all sorts of junk food into my body and not generally see any weight changes, it still has an impact on my overall health just like anyone else. But we tend to equate weight to health and ignore all other factors. I know many people who are naturally larger than me and would absolutely be considered healthier if other’s knew about their diet and exercise regimens. And now that I’m getting older, I’m paying health-wise for not developing healthier eating and exercise habits because I was acceptably thin and thus “didn’t need to” for all those years.

          1. blackcat*

            For realz. Some of us just have the thin genes. No matter what.

            I am a size 0 or 2. I am essentially the same size I was at age 13. Possibly in worse shape! I also popped back to my original shape within ~6 weeks of giving birth (except for massive boobs). I birthed a human of 1/3rd my height and over 1/10th my pre-pregnancy weight and just… went back to my original shape from the waist down in less than 2 months. Like magic.

            I try to exercise to stay healthy, but no matter what I do, I will remain extremely close to the same size/weight, even now in my early 30s. If I exercise, I actually weigh *more* since I gain muscle.

            Some of us just have thin genes. Some have fat genes. It has very little to do with health.

    3. MOAS*

      1. The day someone can be up on stage for hours every night and put on an energetic show like Lizzie does and not feel out of shape—they can then talk about “health”.

      2. Focusing on obese people’s health is concern trolling. The same level of scrutiny is never given to those who drink or smoke.

      3. People can eat healthy foods and exercise all the time and still be overweight.

      4. Healthy weight people get sick with cholesterol and heart issues.

      1. Vicky Austin*

        I agree, and I said as much in my reply to BRR above. I would have said the same in my original comment except that my tablet kept freezing on me whenever I attempted to write more than a paragraph or so. So I had to keep it concise.

    4. Koala dreams*

      I hadn’t heard of that so I searched for the cover right now. I didn’t see any foods on the cover (with or without fat), so I’m confused over that argument. As for the empowering thing, it’s not very empowering for me personally. I’m not in the target demography, I guess. I mean, I prefer this kind of tasteful nude photos compared to the sexy bikini photos that are so common in advertizing. It just doesn’t make me feel anything in particular about my own body, and maybe that’s good enough. There are too many advertizements that want to make women feel insecure and unhappy with their bodies.

    5. Sick and tired of concern-trolling*

      Read Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon, PhD. Other people’s weight is: 1. Not your concern, 2. Much more complicated than just what they eat, and 3. Not a reliable indicator of their overall health.

    6. university minion*

      I think Lizzo is an incredibly talented performer and athlete. Yes, athlete. The athletic ability and strength it takes to do a performance like she does is more than what I (of what’s considered normal weight) have at the moment.

      Nobody body polices the offensive line of an NFL team and there are examples of them also posing nude (see ESPN’s The Body issue).

    7. WellRed*

      Not a huge fan of her music, though I love its messages. Caught her on SNL recently and loved her high energy performance. And the flute.

    8. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      Body positivity. People shouldn’t be accused for “promoting unhealthy lifestyles” by existing, and feeling confident in, a certain size. That Jillian-lady’s comments about her are very mean. It’s also not the public’s place to judge how healthy someone is. Thin people can be unhealthy.

      I have acne. Should I be accused of promoting bad skin care habits by going out without makeup? I mean, come on.

      1. Vicky Austin*

        It’s my understanding that Lizzo has specifically said that she’s about body positivity.

          1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

            I was affirming that I do think she is sending a good message – not promoting unhealthy lifestyles or whatever that accusation is.

    9. Bad Janet*

      Do you think that fat shaming and body negativity is doing anything to promote a healthy lifestyle?

      What we need is for everyone to stop correlating weight and health. They are not nearly as intertwined as people are encouraged to think by a fat-obsessed culture, and the ways in which they do interact are not nearly as simplistic as generally claimed. .

    10. Alex*

      Body positivity never equals promotion of poor health over excellent health.

      Body positivity is about loving your body because it is yours, regardless of health. It is about delighting in what your body does for you every day–moving, singing, dancing, sexytimes, whatever it can do for you.

      You can love your body and want to improve its health. In fact, the more you love your body, the more likely you are to want to take care of it in a positive, productive way. Making people feel bad about their weight and encompassing that in “concern for their health” is so unproductive. Health is not self worth. But making people feel worthless is no way to improve their health.

      I think it is good for people to see Lizzo enjoying her body and being proud of it. It makes me feel good. It makes me want to get out and do things that bring me joy, regardless of my weight (which is higher than I would prefer). I think that is a much healthier message for me to take home than one of shame.

      2. ThatGirl*

        I agree with all of this, and also want to point out that fat shaming is not just unhelpful but counterproductive.

    11. LizB*

      This comment is pretty awful tbh. A fat woman existing happily in the public sphere is not “promoting an unhealthy lifestyle.” A fat woman singing about how her body is awesome and sexy is not damaging anyone. What, is all her music supposed to be about how she hates her body and wishes she was thin so she can send The Right Message to us gross fatties?

    12. Ranon*

      Given that there’s a mounting body of evidence suggesting that the physical aspects of being fat aren’t the ones causing health impacts but rather living in a society that stigmatizes fatness increases the stress that people with fat bodies experience day to day and decreases the quality of care they receive, thus making them much more likely to be unhealthy, I think she’s doing just great.

    13. Rebecca*

      My aunt (Dad’s sister) was tall and thin, ate what everyone usually agrees is a healthy diet, exercised, played tennis, bowling, etc. She had high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I work with people who smoke, eat junk food, and the most exercise they get is walking from their car to the office and back, but they are thin. I eat pretty well, exercise, hike, etc. and am overweight, and probably always will be. Honestly, it irks me when people automatically assume I’m unhealthy and have health issues due to weight, and assume my thin smoking coworkers are the picture of health. They may be, but so might I be, too. And yes, I wear 1X tops and 20W pants, but you know what, that’s my business. Even when I was “thin” I wore 16 or 18 pants and XL shirts, because I am tall and broad, like my Dad’s side of the family. We all come in different shapes and sizes.

  100. Cancer Anon*

    Anyone else have or had oral cancer of any type?

    I started out having Oral Lichen Planus 10+ years ago. After several years, I developed mild to moderate dysplasia. Then in 2017, I was diagnosed with squamous cells and had my first surgery. I had a second surgery in the same area in 2018, which required a graft.

    A couple of weeks ago, I had a third surgery (no graft required), but because the margin turned out to be only 1 mm, I’ll have to have another surgery fairly soon, but not too soon (have to heal first). The doctor now says that the lymph nodes on that side should also be removed as a precaution. However, some people have shoulder problems afterwards, it is on my right side and I am right side dominant.

    So, anyone have any experience with this sort of thing, whether personally or as someone close to another person who had to deal with this type of condition?

    I’m not finding much I can relate to online, so I was wondering if I might find it here.

  101. Vicky Austin*

    “Are we walking around concerned about the health metrics of a thin person?”
    If the person is significantly underweight, then yes, we worry that they may have an eating disorder. Not eating enough can be even more deadly than eating too much. Plenty of people overeat and live to be senior citizens, but starving yourself can literally kill you.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I do…because I lost someone to anorexia when she was 14 and I was 14.
        But unless the underweight person is in my close family, close social circle, or a direct employee I think it would be rude for me to bring it up. And I don’t know what I’d say if it’s someone that close to me.

        1. tangerineRose*

          I was thinking maybe people just didn’t feel comfortable mentioning this to you. Once I wore a kind of sling thing on my hand for a while, and the only people who asked about it were people who knew me well.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            To be fair, anorexia wasn’t my problem. I had undiagnosed FMF + UC and my intestines were slowly reaching the point where they were only barely functional even outside of a flare. I was eating well, but no nutrients were coming in!

    2. WellRed*

      Interesting. I’ve read many articles that say the opposite. Eat as little as you need to survive, live longer.

      1. fposte*

        There’s a lot of discussion, but at the moment there isn’t any long-term study on calorie restriction in humans so it’s not confirmed if people live longer or not . There are some interesting short-term indicators that it may slow down metabolism (monkey studies have had mixed results), but it’s not clear yet if that translates to longer life.

        Interestingly, there are also indications that BMI between 23 and 33 was the healthiest for adults over 65, and that going under that raised the risk of mortality.

      2. Vicky Austin*

        “As little as you need to survive,” but people with anorexia don’t eat enough to survive.

      3. MOAS*

        Intermittent fasting/alternate dah fasting/extended fasting. I learned about these after joining the group the obesity code by Jason fung. It’s ….. very intense

      4. Observer*

        Those articles are junk science. Also what is “enough to survive” anyway? If someone is underweight they probably are NOT eating enough.

  102. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Ugh. I’ve had a terrible cough for at least three weeks. I now feel a bit woozy and weird. I have not been able to see a doctor because of various circumstances but I’ll finally be able to go to the urgent care place tomorrow. Hopefully they can do something for me. I’m sick of the coughing and wheezing.

  103. Susana*

    Alison, just want to say it’s been an unusually tense and depressing week, news-wise, and seeing pictures of your very cute kitties really does cheer me up!

  104. Mary Anne Spier*

    Good morning. I have no idea if anyone checks this once the weekend is over, but…

    I have become close with my boyfriend’s grandpa. He’s 93 and he’s great. 6 months ago he had a surgery and basically it evolved into him not being able to walk anymore. He was in and out (mostly in) of rehab and recently his daughters made the decision that he will have to move permanently into a nursing home. He’s really depressed. The whole family is sad but it’s really the best choice for him and the care that he needs.

    I go see him after work most days. I just don’t always know what to do with him. He likes it when I’m there but he’s not interested in much. I try to find interesting things on the news and Youtube to show him, which does perk him up a little.

    Things he’s not interested in: puzzles, crosswords, Scrabble. Most things on TV (except UConn women’s basketball). Books… he used to be into reading but he’s been depressed so he can’t stay interested in reading or audiobooks.

    Things he’s into: looking at old photos/hearing articles about Bridgeport, CT back in the day; seeing if anyone connected to him through Ancestry DNA wants to correspond (not yet but I’ve helped him reach out to some distant cousins, so it could happen).

    I’m not complaining. I love hanging out with him. I’m just looking for other things to do with him because sometimes we just end up sitting quietly watching the channel guide scroll by on the TV. (He can work the TV. He’s just not interested in much so he puts it there in case there is something that catches his interest scrolling by.) I did buy one of those “interview your grandfather” books and I’ve asked him some questions and filled some of it out. Sometimes he’s into that and sometimes he’s not. He does not want me to teach him to knit. ;)

    I’m open to any other suggestions! I just feel bad because I know he’s bored and he is blatantly not interested in making friends with the other residents yet. His mind is very sharp and it’s stressful for him to see people who are confused and struggling.

    1. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Are there foods or snacks he likes? Does the facility have group activities that you could go with him to? Any music (maybe from his day) that you could play and listen to with him and ask him to reminisce? Maybe bring him some stuff on UConn basketball past and present? History of the team type reading? Maybe some UConn basketball decor for his room? Maybe make a UConn craft project with him (simple decor)? Write special little notes to him for the week and ask him to open one each day to give him a smile or a spark?

      Good luck, you and he sounds like truly lovely people with a special bond!

      1. Mary Anne Spier*

        Oh, there are some nice ideas here. I don’t think he’ll want to do any kind of craft. They do have activities for the residents (music and stuff) but most seem to be during my work day. He doesn’t want to go to those but we have a school break coming up so maybe I can get there during the day and talk him into going to one with me. The note idea is fun. Food is hard because he has very little appetite lately, but I try.

        I’ll see if I can print some UConn stuff we can look at together. Maybe the library has a book I can borrow. We’re in CT so there is a lot of interest in them here. (Senior citizens in CT LOVE UConn Women’s Basketball. It’s interesting. But at least there is that topic. When the next game is, what channel it’s on…

        He told me that he used to skip high school a lot to go into the city and see Benny Goodman, Tommy Dorsey, etc. Maybe I should ask him more about that. :)

    2. MechanicalPencil*

      That sounds incredibly difficult.

      Is it possible to take an old (or new, whichever) smart device/tablet up there with games like Words with Friends installed and keep him semi-occupied throughout the day? The nursing home should have wifi, so you don’t even need to have it connect to cell data.

      Maybe when you visit, instead of staying in his room, take him for walks around the facility or outside as weather allows. I know you said he isn’t able to walk anymore, but I assume he has a wheelchair he can use. Maybe getting him away from seeing the same thing every day will help a bit.

      When a lady I sort of adopted as my grandmother had to go to a nursing home situation, she most missed having her own meal choice. Maybe ask him what he wants for dinner one night a week — either you make and bring or you pick up from somewhere. As my blood grandmother complained constantly, the nursing home meals are terrible (she would have given Rebecca’s mother a run for her money).

      When I visited my pseudo-adopted grandmother, I’d always present choices to her of “we can do A or B, which would you rather”. It gave the appearance of her having control, but it was still something that I was comfortable doing. I imagine your boyfriend’s grandfather feels like he doesn’t have much control right now, so if you can maybe give him opportunities to reestablish that, maybe he’ll come out of his shell.

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