weekend free-for-all – April 11-12, 2020

by Alison Green on April 11, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Signature of All Things, by Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s the story of a woman born in 1800 to a wealthy family, and I have no idea how to capture what it’s actually about so I’m going to quote from an NPR review to explain its breadth: “Gilbert covers how to smuggle plant clippings to foreign buyers; the vulgarities of professional sailors; Cicero; Captain Cook’s being hacked to death; varietals of vanilla pods; a sky-high waterspout; abolition and poverty; Euclidean gardening; sodomy and self-pleasuring; what the Dutch serve at tea-time; and what a rugby-like, women’s-only Tahitian sport can tell us about the animal kingdom. (To name just a few.)” Which still tells you nothing of what it’s actually about, but it’s good, and long.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    2. CoffeeforLife*

      Yay! Finally a book I’ve read. While a lot of interesting glimpses of a different time and station, it left me feeling morose. That’s not necessarily bad, I like a book that gets me feeling things.

    3. Nye*

      Is The Signature of All Things substantially different in tone to Eat, Pray, Love? Alison’s / Amazon’s description is intriguing, but I absolutely hated Eat, Pray, Love so am a little leery of trying another by the same author.

      1. C Average*

        Substantially different, as is Big Magic, her book about creativity. I haven’t even attempted to read Eat Pray Love, but Signature is fantastic.

        1. Nye*

          Good to hear, thanks! I’ve enjoyed hearing her in interviews, so I’ve been considering giving her writing another try. Maybe this will be the book. Just hard to get over my extremely negative reaction to EPL, especially since it’s a memoir (so feels like more of a window into the author’s perspective than a novel might).

          1. Lizzo*

            I have read *all* of her books, and she has always been an excellent writer, but I feel that her writing has evolved over the last 15 years. “Matured” isn’t the right word, but I feel like she needed to write EPL and also Committed (a book about the institution of marriage) to free herself of some things. Once that was done, she was able to write more fully and more creatively. Again, not that her earlier work wasn’t creative, but she’s in a different place now as a person and as a writer.

          1. AnonEMoose*

            I keep remembering a “Calvin & Hobbes” strip: “I forget that five of his ends are pointy when he lies like that!”

          2. Liz*

            Haha. My BF’s one cat does that. she’s fluffy, but also a chunk, with a small head and big round eyes. he routinely sends me kitty porn of her lying just like that, awaiting belly rubs

    2. BikeLover*

      I’ve always wanted a calico cat, but for some reason I have only had male cats my entire life (all strays/rescues). I have developed the impression that male cats are friendlier and more outgoing than females, mostly from interacting with friends female cats. Is this true?

      1. Anonyme*

        My lady cats are much more interested in snuggles from everyone than my gentleman cat is.

      2. Wired Wolf*

        I loooove calicos. We don’t have cats now, but when we did (all pets my family has owned have been strays, most of which literally showed up at the door one day) the males were far more sociable than the females. Our first boy thought he was a dog; followed us everywhere, learned his name and a few ‘tricks’, etc.

        The fact that our one female was a barn cat who was literally dumped on us (~1000sq ft apartment, cat had zero transition time the friend just scooped her up off his farm and here-you-go) might have had something to do with it. That cat was CRAZY.

        1. Liz*

          i agree; I’ve had both boy and girl kitties, and the boys were the more mellow and more snuggly. My BF has two; and his boy kitty is all up in his face, demanding snuggles. The girl wants them too but on her OWN terms.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        We have three lady cats, two littermates and then a third. The extra is very friendly and outgoing, but only in her designated space – she belongs to my housemate, who has the basement as sort of his apartment, and I’m pretty sure I can count on one hand the number of times she’s even come up to the gate at the top of the stairs, let alone gone past it. (The dogs aren’t allowed in the basement – hence, gate.)

        The two littermates – one is very sweet, but again only in her comfort zone. She’s a big chicken anywhere outside of my husband’s office, but in the office, she’s very pleased to demand pets and in fact is the only cat I’ve ever met who legit loves tummy rubs.

        The other is sweet as pie, dumb as baked dirt, and will go anywhere in the house and demand love from anyone she can, but especially me, because she has decided that she is a dog and I am the dog lady so obviously I must be her favorite person. Like, she lines up with the dogs when they want to go outside, even though she’s never been allowed outside in her life. At suppertime, when they have to sit in the living room and wait for their supper, she will sit with them, even though her food is free-fed up in the office. Her favorite playmate of all time is my younger dog. And she either gives kisses like the dogs do, or she’s trying to sand all of our arms down for refinishing – we’re not quite sure which. :P

        1. AnonEMoose*

          One of our cats (who decided long ago that I am her human…she tolerates my husband) solicits belly rubs, but only from me. The other one is ok with belly pets, but only sometimes and very gently.

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Have you considered getting your dog-cat a harness and seeing if she’ll go for walks with the dogs? I know some people have successfully convinced their cats to wear them, and if yours already thinks she’s a dog it might go well.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I asked husband about it – she’s his cat – but he does not want her getting the idea that outside is a place she ought to be, because she’s dumb enough that we’re not sure she’d find her way home again.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              (er, not sure she’d find her way home again if she got out unaccompanied or by accident, I mean.)

          2. Wired Wolf*

            One of our cats (the one who thought he was a dog) took to it right away…the ex-barncat not so much. She actually slipped out of her harness (my friend lost a bet that day–she thought the cat would chew through it first) and we chased her around the neighborhood for an hour.

      4. Jules the 3rd*

        Nah, different cats are just different, and it changes over time. In the last 25 years, my household’s had 4 female and 2 male cats.
        1 male: Doesn’t like anyone but his person
        1 male: Likes most everyone, currently focused on the kid’s lap.
        2 females: Strong preferences for their person, but interested in anyone. You sit, they were *there* for your lap, unless their person was also sitting.
        2 females: When mama cat died, her two daughters got more affectionate with humans. There was finally *room* for them (mama cat was one of the ‘sit on anyone’ cats).

      5. Undine*

        Not in my experience. Cats are all different, and a lot of it is down to socialisation and the rest to breed, in my opinion. My current boy is shy and only likes me. My previous girl cat was the friendliest thing and adored people. I also had a ginger boy who was super friendly previously.

        If your cats are rescues and strays, their socialisation probably has more to do with it than their being male does.

      6. Ann Onny Muss*

        Depends on the cat. My boy Calvin is very loving and affectionate if he considers someone “his” person. But he tends to be a jerk to the other cats. It varies with the six girls. Some are very affectionate regardless, some only on their own terms. For instance Lucy has taken to flopping down all over the house as a way to beg for pets. Lily will catch my eye and beg for belly rubs. Sadie will be anyone’s friend if they have French fries. Eleanor is just plain skittish, and highly selective when she wants attention. Zoey is a stuck up snooty bootch (and a calico; I suspect there’s a correlation) who can be sweet but only on her terms (and usually in the middle of the night). Izzy is affectionate with a few people and will turn over to have her belly rubbed. Other than that, she hates everyone and everything (including the other cats).

      7. New Normal*

        I think breed, socialization, and temperament has as much, if not more to do with it… but I just found out my 7yo cuddly female cat is actually male so I might not be the best source for cat gender opinions.

      8. Damn it, Hardison!*

        I adopted a calico a month ago today. She is a total lovebug, and very talkative. Her coloring and pattern looks a lot like Olive’s, but less floofy – she is a medium hair cat, and I can’t wait until her tummy fur grows back (from being spayed).

      9. BikeLover*

        Interesting, thanks for everyone’s thoughts. I don’t know how (out of literally dozens of cats over 40+ years) I’ve only ever had males, but since most of them “showed up on the front door” as strays, I wonder if that kind of self-selected for a more outgoing individual.

        When asked, I will always call myself a dog person because I love dogs with all my heart, but I kinda can’t imagine my life without at least one cat. They are so fun!

      10. MsChanandlerBong*

        I have four boys and a girl–she’ll be the last girl I ever have. She’s a great cat, but she’s nowhere near as sweet and cuddly as the boys. Orange boys are especially sweet.

    3. Deanna Troi*

      It looks so soft and floofy, but once you put your hand in there, you’ll find out its full of hidden sharp teeth and claws! And yet I fall for this trap over and over.

      1. Former Employee*

        For a moment I thought it was a picture of your cats and then I realized these were the miniature version of much larger (wild) animals.

        Such cute babies.

    7. Alexandra Lynch*

      Our floofy girl here flops down for tummy rubs.
      Our sleek black girl flops down, but it’s even odds whether it’s tummy rub or “Oo! Five pointy ends!” But she isn’t a year old yet, so I suspect she will age out of playing Five Pointy Ends.

  3. CastIrony*

    Hi! How is everyone doing today? What is something you remember from this week? For me, it’s that a customer at my job said he respected me even more because of my honesty.

    1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I remember how much nicer our living room became when we put a shawl over the TV. We’d been trying to have it on bird TV or photo safaris or whatever would bring nature indoors, but it turns out the overwhelming electronicness of it offset any of that, and it’s nicer just to leave it off.

    2. IrishEm*

      I got a card in the post from my Mum, who is stuck in a nursing home & having to isolate until she can get tested, and still so selfless, thinking of others (me & my uncles).

      2. Former Employee*

        Say hi to your mum from me – someone she doesn’t know, isn’t Irish and is located in Southern California.

        Right now, I feel as if everyone is my mum or my sister (since I’m a senior, that’s more likely) or my brother or my cousin… you get the idea.

        Truly, I believe that this is when many people have suddenly realized that they are part of “Mankind” or “The Family of Man”, especially after hearing and reading so many heartwarming stories of the good deeds people have done for complete strangers.

        (Please no one bring up the fact that women should be mentioned, too. I’m a lifelong feminist but, in this context, the meaning is clearly “Humankind”.)

    3. Julia*

      As much as this whole situation sucks, I am so lucky to have such amazing friends. We talk on the phone a lot now (very rare for us so far – maybe a generational thing?) and message a lot, and they are so supportive and awesome.

      1. CastIrony*

        I am glad you have great friends! I remember texting my best friend when we were long-distance, and it was wonderful!

        1. Julia*

          Thank you! We’ve always texted, but I am so glad we have the technology to make free calls via the internet. Imagine this had happened ten or more years ago? (I know Skype existed back then, but I didn’t have a smartphone to make calls to landlines in a different country wherever I am, and my parents have super spotty internet.)

    4. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      The time I was sitting at my kitchen table and looked out to see that our sheep and goats had opened the barn door and we’re making an unauthorized expedition to visit the backyard. It was quite a lovely midday interlude.
      (Fortunately they’re used to doing those expeditions with us, so I was confident they’d go back to the barn later, which did happen, so no stress, just delight)

        1. Just a Guy in A Cube*

          A bit. There’s not much there for them yet, but I don’t think they’re in any danger of destroying it for spring/summer.

          1. allathian*

            Nah, grass is resilient. At least sheep won’t destroy it, I’m not sure about goats…

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      How lucky I was to bring two new cats home from the shelter just before we had to stay at home. They are wonderful cats and it’s been nice having so much unexpected time with them.

    6. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      Waiting outside the grocery store to be let in. An older lady with a walker was behind me and I let her go ahead of me. Everyone did the same thing so that she was able to get into the store sooner. She explained that it was too difficult for her to come for the seniors’ hour which was 8AM. The casual kindness of strangers made me happy.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      For me it was the first Zoom meeting with [volunteer group]. As each person joined in all the smiles got bigger and bigger. Just a shared feeling of success in a time where everything is in such disarray.

    8. coffee cup*

      We had our first virtual team meeting on Thursday and it cheered me up to see everyone’s faces and be a bit more normal. I felt a little less I was totally isolated.

    9. Retail not Retail*

      This just made me laugh – a job rejection email that said i applied “recently” (it’s been at least 2 months since I applied anywhere) and there’s a hiring freeze so… no, we won’t be hiring you.

      I also got nominated for an employee recognition thing for eagerly filling any role and going outside my comfort zone. I’ve been doing what I’m told!

      And I have crippling depression and a grumpy work nemesis, so I fight that by finding something cool about each task. Weedeating all day? Check out my guns! Mowing all day? Look at all this space I cleared and wow I got a lot of steps for pokemon go! Spraying weeds? Steps and quiet for podcasts. Blowing the road clear? Steps and giving myself a break next to the farm to see the new lambs.

      I may not be moving as fast as the work release crew, but I’m also not whining.

      1. CastIrony*

        That is so important! I, too, love to find something cool about what I am doing at work! How are the lambs?

        1. Retail not Retail*

          SO CUTE they are gonna be unrecognizable when we reopen. I took this week off, i don’t know how big they’ll be or how big the new hoofstock fawn will be. They haven’t announced that one, I don’t know why – you’d think a fawn would be just as good for social media as our ambassador porcupine.

    10. Stephanie*

      My gym had a Zoom workout on Thursday, and again this morning. It was so good to see my gym friends! And today there were 95 people participating. It helped me feel a little more normal, for a little bit.

    11. Anonymous Today*

      I hope this isn’t too “worky for the no work thread” but, my company gave all employees a 10% wage increase for all of April as a token of appreciation. Deemed an essential business, so we have to go into the office. What a nice gesture during these scary times!

    12. Windchime*

      What a nice thread! I helped an older coworker get her zoom video up and running, and it was just so nice to see her calm and friendly face. We’ve talked several times in other voice-only situations, but I was surprised at how happy I was to see her happy little face. It made a difference to my day.

    13. Llama Face!*

      My martial arts studio successfully got zoom classes up and running and, despite my fears, my tiny home space turned out to be big enough to participate. It felt so good to be able to see my group and get a good long high intensity workout in for the first time in almost a month.

    15. DarthVelma*

      My best friend is a crafter and has been making face masks. She sent me one made from University of Texas cloth (our shared alma mater). Best best friend in all of explored space. :-)

    16. Lizzo*

      I’ve spent a lot of the last two weeks helping my church produce Sunday services for livestreaming and yesterday we reached a milestone with the production and behind-the-scenes coordination that makes me very happy (and makes other church leadership very happy too). Who knows how long we’ll be doing virtual services, but I think we’re in a good place now where we’re still offering all the things people want from church, but also thinking more broadly and more creatively about how to achieve those things. Yay!

      1. anonann*

        Thank you for what you’re doing to make sure the church is still being fed during this time! I’d been feeling a little down about worshipping at home for Easter so this is a great reminder to be grateful for technology and all those who make it possible.

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A gaggle of kids laughing “in” the living room, via the magic of Google Hangouts and a shared Minecraft world.

    18. chi chan*

      All the people with caring emails and texts who reached out to check in on me. It made the week nicer.

    19. Thankful for AAM*

      My memories are work related: I won an award for an article I wrote in a professional magazine and I got a letter from a customer I helped online (online bc we are shut down).

  4. FaintlyMacabre*

    Part of me really wants to contact my ex and see how he’s doing. There are so many reasons why this is a splendiferously horrible idea. But there’s a tiny corner of my brain saying, “Go ahead! Kick the wasps’ nest! Maybe some honey will come out!” The rest of my brain is staring in horrified beffudlement at the tiny corner, saying, “Uh, you do know that is not how wasp nests work, right? Right?!?”

    Go home, tiny brain corner, you’re drunk! Brains, ammirite?

    1. willow for now*

      Some wasp species make a very little bit of honey. So no, don’t kick the wasp nest hoping for honey. Just walk away. And there there are reasons he is your ex.

      1. valentine*

        Just walk away.
        Stormfront’s comment on the pic applies here, and if you’re going to fall into a trap, choose lovely, fluffy Olive.

    2. Anon embarrassed*

      This thought is so strong for me for one ex. But I do want to know how he is doing too, as I am worried about him.

      1. Atgo*

        Captain awkward had some great advice about this recently. She said, to paraphrase: Write them a letter. Don’t send it. Write the letter you wish they’d send you back that remembered all the good times and apologized for what you need them to apologize for. Burn the first one.

    4. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      I’m in the same boat! If it helps, an ex from an acrimonious split contacted me in late March and my knee-jerk response was “ew”. I didn’t respond. It helped me see how I could come across if I tried contacting the ex that I want to contact. The message itself was perfectly cordial and even sounded like they actually cared. It still made me uncomfortable and I’d just rather have no contact with them.

      It’s harder when the split isn’t acrimonious. You may feel like you have nothing to lose. I recommend writing everything out in an email and letting it sit in your drafts. Captain Awkward said in a recent column that you can even write a response to yourself from them that would make yourself happy. Best wishes.

    5. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      It’s hard to resist because I used to do all the caretaking. Buying groceries, making meals, planning the garden and now it’s all on him. I know he will revert to peanut butter sandwiches for dinner but he’s an adult. I know how to plan and buy food for weeks ahead, it’s part of my work. It’s hard not to care but again he’s an ex for good reasons.

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        The wasps are not your friend.

        Let him eat peanut butter sandwiches. That’s not even going hungry, or living on candy; “he has the same vegetarian dinner every night” isn’t even a problem. And he’s your ex, so if he’s using Wonder bread instead of something more interesting or nourishing, it’s still not your problem. In normal times (i.e., when I can go places) my husband has peanut butter for sandwich on nights when I’m not home, because he likes them and I don’t.

        1. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

          I know all the reasons not to contact, and I won’t. He lived on PB&J before me and can live on them after me. Though as a cook, I know how to make healthy sandwiches and meals fast but not my problem anymore. This is a good sandwich for your husband to try: raisin bread, mayo, cheddar cheese, and thin-sliced apples. It’s very good. You can use multi-grain if you don’t like raisin bread.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Send good vibes to him through the universe and call good enough. Meanwhile, call someone who is actually active in your current life and see how they are doing. Avoid wasps’ nest at all costs. Think about Current Life with New Layers of Misery, avoid, avoid, avoid.

    7. Jules the 3rd*

      Brains… there’s always that piece that just wants the jolt of adrenaline and doesn’t care about the anaphylactic shock. We are multitudes…

    8. lazy intellectual*

      Don’t do it! You’re not the only person tempted to contact exes or flings due to being in lockdown. If I wasn’t FaceTime dating I would be, too. Everytime you feel tempted to text or call them, call a friend instead, get a snack, or play your favorite song. Funnily, the last one helped me get over my last ex.

    9. Bumblebee*

      Fun fact! Many wasps stockpile spiders in their nests to feed to their young, so more than one time I have knocked into a wasps nest and what came out was not honey but spiders! (and wasps…)

    10. Jedi Squirrel*

      I think part of this is that if you are stuck in your house for a long time, isolated, your brain really craves some drama, just to break up the monotony, and it knows that this would generate a lot of drama for you.

      Yep, brains are weird.

    12. Aetra*

      If you have any reasons not to, don’t do it! I did have an ex call me the other day to check on me, and I was glad to hear from him. Our breakup, however, was over a decade ago and never acrimonious. He has met my husband several times and we all get along great. This is the only ex I have where this is the case. I wouldn’t dream of contacting any of the others.

    13. Marion Ravenwood*

      I hear this. I had a dream about my ex-husband last night (for some reason I was at his place and his nan got really sick while I was there and I didn’t know if I should be helping him out or what). I know it’s just because we’re doing the final wranglings over the financial stuff at the moment so he’s vaguely on my mind, but I also just want to tell him to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!

      But yeah, don’t kick that wasps’ nest. Even without everything else going on in the world right now, it stil wouldn’t be worth it. That said, if you need to get stuff out, I like the Captain Awkward letter writing idea. My therapist also recently suggested I try writing out the relationship story, but being objective, like closing the chapter (if that makes sense), which could work too.

      Alternatively, not that I necessarily recommend this, but you could do what I did and accidentally come across a mutual friend’s screenshot of their group chat (including him) on Facebook, and find out he’s grown a hilariously awful quarantine beard. (I know it’s shallow and petty, but it gave me a laugh and made me feel very glad I’m not with him any more!)

    14. Anono-me*

      Please slowly step away from The Wasp’s Nest.

      Your ex is fine. I promise you if there is anything going on bad enough to worry about, some ‘concerned’ mutual acquaintance will call you and tell you . Have some faith in the pot stirrers of this world.

  5. MissBookworm*

    What’s your version of self-care during this pandemic?

    For me, it starts with my bed (lots of pillows and blankets—I like to nest), a good book, and music. A steamy hot shower or bath is also on the list, depending on the bath bomb/salts situation—I’m out of the salts, have one bath bomb left, and my order of new ones probably won’t be here for a week. There’s also snuggles with our dog, when he’s being accommodating.

    I really can’t wait for this to be over. I need a spa day—massage, mani/pedi, facial. The works.

    1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      I do a hot bath after I shower! During the shower I use a nice skin scrub so I don’t miss anything when I’m relaxing in the bath since my skin already got stimulated. Would that work for you?

      I also do some light yoga before back to open my chest after bending over my phone all day :P

    2. Princess Deviant*

      I like shaving my legs, putting body cream on, then getting into clean pjs and bed sheets.

      A walk every day, or otherwise shine form of exercise for 30-60 minutes, helps with sleep – which is the single biggest thing I can do for self-care (I’m not sleeping well at the minute though).

      I’m eating much more home cooked foods, which I’m definitely going to keep up once the quarantine is over. It has really made a difference to how I’m feeling – although I miss crisps, lol.

      I’m on my own, so skyping friends has helped.

      Last week, I arranged to watch a film with my friend on Netflix at the same time, then we Skyped afterwards with a coffee to discuss it. That was fun and similar to what we’d do if we could meet up face-to-face.

      Cuddling with my cats, and just generally being kind to myself and reminding myself that these are trying circumstances so to not expect my usual output at this time.

      1. MissBookworm*

        I’m not really sleeping well either.

        I work out almost every day. Haven’t really done much cardio though, no equipment and it’s been raining a lot here the last few weeks so haven’t been able to get outside as often as I’d like.

    3. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      Time with my kid where I consciously slow down and try to see the world like a four-year-old does. Some things are big and scary or don’t-wanna but mostly everything is SO COOL and FULL OF JOY and WOW NEAT and the best thing in the world is to pull a blanket over your head and laugh like a loon. It’s immensely restorative.

    4. IrishEm*

      A hot shower with lovely Origins or This Works shower gel, the scents are super relaxing. Then (my two biggest splurges on me last Xmas) my La Prarie serum and my Creme De La Mer moisturiser. My skin has always been dry and hard to keep in good condition since childhood, and it’s literally only since starting to use La Mer’s moisturiser and La Prarie’s serum that I’ve managed to tame it. But yowza the price tag hurts. It was a gift to myself, bought in the Duty Free (so, a good chunk cheaper) and I don’t know if I can justify buying it again when I run out :( But it makes my skin so soft and I get to feel fancy so while I have it I may as well use it.

      1. MissBookworm*

        I can relate. Have you tried any K-beauty (Korean) products? Neogen and Belief are my two favorite brands for hydration, specifically the Neogen Real Ferment Micro Essence and the Belief True Cream Moisturizing Bomb. They are much more affordable though Belief is a bit pricy for me, but nowhere near La Mer.

        1. IrishEm*

          I’ve never heard of them. I wonder where in Dublin would carry them, or are they online?

          1. MissBookworm*

            I’m in the USA. Neogen I get online from Amazon or Sokoglam. Belif I get from Sephora.

            Is Beautyshop a legitimate site in Ireland? I found them on their website.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Dry skin here too–my favorite solution turned up in a sample bag at a summer fair (Better Homes & Garden giveaway in case any marketers are paying attention).
        Vaseline Intensive Care Advanced Repair Unscented Body Lotion. Totally not greasy, and no migraine trigger. (I’ve been known to add a few drops of essential oils that don’t trigger me.)

        1. Old person*

          I find that unscented lotions and creams are also the way to go for me as well. I follow both beautypedia and Dr. Dray on YouTube and Facebook for recommendations.

    5. Misty*

      My version of selfcare is I stopped trying to be super productive. Before this, I was taking full time classes, working part time, teaching myself spanish online and reading one nonfiction books a week. I tried to keep being productive once this started but now I’m just letting myself read the romance novels and lay on the floor with my dog instead. It’s easier to relax a little now that I’ve taken the pressure off of myself.

      Also I feel you on that, I really need a haircut and my eyebrows done.

      1. Quiet Liberal*

        I’ve been way less productive, too! It’s been nice not to plan out my days off to get the most done around the house. I’ve been doing way more reading and spending time in the beautiful Spring weather, instead. It’s been glorious.

        I also really need a haircut and color, but am more grateful that I and my people are all healthy!

      2. MissBookworm*

        I’m not being very productive either. Just give me a book (romance as well) or a good binge-worthy show, but mostly the book. I don’t want to do anything else—it’s a struggle just to work out.

        I don’t even want to think about my hair! Had to reschedule my appointment three times so far. Just waiting for the fourth, cause this likely won’t be over by mid-May.

    6. Ann Onny Muss*

      Walking at least once a day, preferably twice. Sticking with a routine as much as possible. Taking on a temporary part-time assignment at work so I stay busy. Hanging out with my cats. Talking/texting with boyfriend, family, and friends. Sometimes it’s deep and satisfying conversations, sometimes itself stupid covid memes. These all help keep the stress at bay. Plus I’m a homebody, so staying put doesn’t bother me as much as others.

      1. MissBookworm*

        I wish I could go for a walk consistently, but it’s been raining a lot here lately. Even doing my normal workouts are a struggle as I don’t have much room to do them in.

        1. Bluebell*

          We had rain a few times this week, and today it’s windy. At least I can see the forsythia from my window.

    7. Julia*

      Going out on the balcony and getting some sun. I don’t usually do that because I am really pale, but I need some vitamin D and warm sunrays, I’m not a vampire!

      Playing games (at least my Sim gets to go out!), hugging my husband, talking to friends…

      1. MissBookworm*

        I’ve resorted to getting my vitamin D the artificial way. We’ve had a lot of rain lately. I can just add the sun to the list of things I’m missing right now.

        1. Julia*

          I usually take supplements, especially in winter, but I’m afraid of running out (the big dose stuff is all imported where I am, or super pricey) so I thought I might as well get some real sun. It also helps me feel less stuck.

    8. coffee cup*

      Mine is mainly trying not to beat myself up if I don’t have a very good work day or if I don’t ‘achieve’ something productive. And trying to carve out time for reading, which I love but can find hard to get started with when my brain is all over the place with other thoughts.

      Plus lots of tea!

      1. MissBookworm*

        That’s understandable! I think a lot of us aren’t feeling as productive lately.

      2. A New Normal*

        Same! I finally downloaded the Libby app so I can borrow audio books from my library and listen to them while doing other things. Usually I’m more of a reader but with as scattered as things have been, for whatever reason it’s easier for me to listen and keep my hands busy than to read.

        And it’s ONLY light and fluffy books, the sort you’d pickup at an airport gift store. Sadly my library has NO Discworld audiobooks and I’m eyeing Audible because those are my ultimate comfort reads.

        1. Beaded Librarian*

          Reach out to the library. They may be able to purchase and add them to their catalog

    9. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      My friend says it’s going to be like the Hunger Games for hair salons when they re-open.

      1. SaraV*

        I’m amused at the thought of people post-Covid walking out of salons with hairstyles, colors, and enhancements similar to those that lived in the Capitol.

        May the odds be ever in your favor.

      2. lazy intellectual*

        I had a work event at the beginning of March and got a haircut and blowout for it. Little did I know that it would be my last haircut for a while, so I’m glad I did it. I was going to return this month to get some highlights, but that’s obviously not happening.

        1. MissBookworm*

          I had an appointment scheduled in March (that unbeknownst to me was the week before my state shut down) and I canceled it because I didn’t want to chance anything. If I could go back and keep that appointment I absolutely would. And I usually don’t care about my hair, but I made a color choice at my last appointment that I don’t like. I’ve been living with my hair up because I just don’t want to see those highlights anymore.

        2. matcha123*

          This is me honestly surprised that people cut their hair so often. I’d always gotten my hair cut like once a year. By my mom when I lived at home and once a year after I started living alone.
          Mind = blown.

          1. ThatGirl*

            My hair is short, only to my earlobes, I usually get it cut every 6 weeks. Last one was March 14, so it’ll be shaggy by the end of April. If we stay in SIP through May I will look…interesting.

          3. allathian*

            I have a page cut to just below my jawline and my hair grows pretty fast, about an inch per month. To keep it looking really tidy, I should go every three weeks, but I’m too stingy for that so I only go when my bangs get in my eyes, about every five weeks or so. I also love the super-moisturizing mask my hairdresser puts on it every time I go.

      3. KoiFeeder*

        Yeah, I had to cut my own hair… I’m hoping that by the time quarantine is over enough other people will have tried to give themselves haircuts that the stylist won’t make fun of me.

        1. MissBookworm*

          I’m too terrified to even attempt to do my own. I’ll suffer until I can get in to see my stylist.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Eh, I’m ugly anyways. Even if I’d mauled my hair, I can’t look any worse. And it actually looks fine from the front, and I’m only gonna be seen on Zoom anyways, so that works for me.

      4. A New Normal*

        Another week and I’m seriously thinking of messaging my stylish (we were church friends before I realized she’s an absolute magician with my hair) and asking how bad an idea an at-home purple hairdye would be. I have very fluffy hair that she keeps controlled with a short, super cute pixie cut and I was supposed to get it trimmed and roots touched up five days ago … I really don’t want to think what it’s going to look like by the time I can get it cut. Or how backlogged she’s going to be.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I’m seriously eyeing my teen’s color-depositing shampoo… honkin’ red, the one that made the shower look like a CSI set. It might distract from my outgrown haircut…which is starting to remind me of Bucky from Winter Soldier. Not a good look for a Gen X woman LOL!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I am doing short nagging projects that have been nagging me for a long time. I got my utility cupboard painted. This involved sorting the crap in there and it also involved reorganizing it with well placed hooks/holders. All of which I had on hand, ready to do the project. Because of quarantining, no one sees me standing in front of the cupboard admiring my own work. I did a so-so job in my opinion, but after 28 years of looking at this tiny dungeon type area, it’s a huge relief to see it beefed up. I now want to put things in their proper place rather than throwing stuff in there and quickly closing the door like I used to do.
      This has inspired me to take on more grungy projects.

      1. MissBookworm*

        That’s awesome! It seems a lot of people are finally doing similar projects now that they have the time.

    11. Alex*

      I’ve been cooking lots of comfort foods and not worrying too much about “healthy” as long as I eat regular fairly balanced meals. I baked a cake last night just because I could and I wanted to.

      I’ve also decided to turn up the heat whenever I’m cold (usually I try to power through to save energy).

      And it’s been a month now, and I’ve found that I’ve neither gained weight nor increased my energy bills. So all the austerity I strive for in normal times doesn’t even do anything! Lol.

      1. MissBookworm*

        Now you know you don’t have to have to be “strict” (for lack of a better word) about certain things!

        My eating habits are definitely not as good as usual. We’re trying not to go food shopping as often as we did before the pandemic, so I don’t have as much “healthy” food as I would like (trying to make it all last). We’ve been eating lots of carbs. Thankfully I’m able to do my workouts from home to make up for it.

    12. T. Boone Pickens*

      Old-fashions, really good Bordeauxs and splurging for good cheese and meat when we can. My wife joked that we’re going to spend a fortune at the tailor getting all of our business clothes let out.

    13. lazy intellectual*

      I’ve always been kind of a homebody so fortunately I was well-quipped for this. I still do my Friday night routine of bubble bath, scrub and exfoliate, face mask, and moisturizer. I’m cooking a lot more while listening to audiobooks in lieu of going out to eat and drink.

    14. Overeducated*

      Daily outside time, even though it’s usually only 30-45 minutes walking or jogging around the neighborhood. It sets me right.

      1. allathian*

        Me too, weather permitting. I usually go during my lunch hour or after work, but today I went in the morning (Easter Monday off work). I’m just glad that they aren’t restricting outdoor exercise here.

    15. Raia*

      Honestly? I’m doing retail therapy like mad. I am doing my best to make sure it is things I need, like new pajamas, or supports local businesses like board game stores, and otherwise trying to walk once a day and reach out to check on one friend a day. My closest friend and i have been calling several times a week which has also been great for me.

      1. MissBookworm*

        We’ve ordered food a few times from our fave local restaurants; are doing so tonight as well and will continue.

        1. allathian*

          We’ve done the same. Usually pizza to make sure the small mom-and-pop businesses around here survive. The big hamburger chains will survive in any case.

    16. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I’ve been taking a lot of time to train my 6-month-old standard poodle puppy. We’re doing basic obedience, such as walking nicely on a loose leash, sit, down, stay; and also some fun stuff like: I drop a treat in the grass while she’s not looking, and then use the clicker to signal warmer/colder until she finds it — and then a quick little burst of 4 – 5 clicks while she eats it.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        My kids are grown, so I’m going to hide easter eggs for the poodle tomorrow with bits of cheese, hotdog, etc. and help her hunt them Lol!

      2. MissBookworm*

        That’s awesome! I wish we had a puppy because this absolutely would be the best time to train them (except I’d worry about separation anxiety once we’re back at work).

      3. Former Employee*

        I started reading and missed the poodle part and wondered how you train a 6 month old [baby] to do anything!

        Awww, poodle puppy.

    17. Llama Face!*

      Nature has always been a big one for me so I’m getting my nature fix two ways: Getting outside regularly (trying for daily) and growing excessive numbers of house plants and sprouted veggies in my home. I currently have 14 plants & veggies in pots, 1 pothos sprout that permanently lives in water, and another three sprouted veggies that are soon to be planted. Once the snow finally leaves for good, I have outdoor container gardening in mind as well so that may bring me up to 20-something plants to keep me occupied.
      It’s possible I may have gone slightly overboard… lol. ;)

      I also love relaxing baths and am having them more often these days.

    18. J.B.*

      Yes! ALL OF IT! And to lie on a beach somewhere. The dog always obliges though, I am not allowed to work on my computer.

    19. Alexandra Lynch*

      Staying on the eating plan I started in January. (Down 25 pounds and two sizes on the bottom and one size on top!) I feel so much better already that following the plan feels like being nice to my body so that we lose the weight that makes us ache and gets in the way of yoga.
      I can’t go to the gym, which I miss, but I am doing yoga and bodyweight work in the interim. I haven’t lost enough weight for my standing budget to be able to incorporate walking for exercise yet, but I am sure that day will eventually come, given how much bigger my standing budget is now. (I had my feet put back together with pins and screws in my twenties and now they are arthritic in my forties.)
      I’m really working on getting rid of clutter and making the house beautiful. I have a brain that feels frantic when there is clutter and disorder, and so it is an act of self-support for me to tidy up. The project of moving is in a state of suspense because of the pandemic, but someone is coming to take photos of the inside on Tuesday for the realtor’s website, so getting things spiffy for that is my current project, and that is fun. Not as fun as packing, but still good.
      And even if we can’t go out to look at engagement rings, I can look at them online and think about exactly what I want. I’m a special snowflake who wants a ruby, so I can’t just order the ring, but I can look.
      I am having hot baths and reading lots of Golden Age mysteries, and drinking lots of hot tea, and making and eating good food within my calorie limits. The three of us are getting along well and laughing a lot together.

    20. Marion Ravenwood*

      For me it’s doing all the skincare stuff I used to say I was too busy for – body lotion after showers, face masks etc. Also painting my nails and wearing makeup; I feel like the last person left on the planet doing the latter but I’ve had a lot of fun going through my stash and playing with different looks. I am very much looking forward to getting my hair cut and coloured again when this is all over though!

      And just generally enjoying the slower pace of life. I’m usually always on the go and, although I struggled for the first week or so (mainly because I wasn’t seeing people regularly – but scheduling regular video calls with my friends/family/boyfriend has helped immensely with that), now I’m actually really starting to settle into it and feel strangely calm about it all.

    21. Liz*

      warm bubble baths, listening to audio books IN said warm bath. Binging on stuff i don’t have time to watch, and as I’m still working, making sure I have a routine down; i get up and make my bed every day, brush my hair, wash my face, put actual clothes on, including a bra. instead of wearing my jamies as I’ve done in the past when WFH for a day here and there.

  6. Leen*

    What’s the most encouraging, real, message you’ve seen or heard over the last few weeks? I’m thinking of going out with a bucket of chalk in my neighborhood this weekend.

    1. willow for now*

      In Denver, we howl at 8 pm every night. Lets us realize there are still folks out there that we can’t see.

      1. Ann Onny Muss*

        Same in Colorado Springs. I don’t howl because it would end in a coughing fit but it does make me smile to hear all the coyote impersonations every night.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          OMG you guys are howling every night? Why haven’t my Colorado relatives told me about this? We’re just clapping for the NHS every Thursday here.

          1. Ann Onny Muss*

            Yep. I’ll post a link below to a local news station that explains it. My friend wasn’t aware of the howling and almost had a heart attack while walking her dog. She thought it was a pack of coyotes.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Weirdly, neither howling nor clapping seem to be a thing in my particular corner of the world, and I unfortunately live at basically the epicenter of it all. The only thing I hear at 7 pm is… silence, just like at every other hour.

        It impresses me as kind of a strange gesture anyway. Presumably, the people who are essential are still working or stuck commuting (on public transit that is drastically reduced here) at that hour and not hearing it anyway. But this sounds like it might be more a way for people trapped inside to interact with each other and let out their angst. :-)

      3. Mallory Janis Ian*

        We’re howling in my neighborhood in Arkansas, too. There’s a town Facebook group, and I “met” one of my neighbors who I’d never met before, because we got into a call and response howl and found each other by posting about it.

      5. SD*

        Also in Marin Co., CA. It turns out that my 7 yr old granddaughter has an adorable howl; she’s totally into it.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      Yes, we’re howling every night for four minutes at 8:00 where I live in the San Francisco Bay Area also, and the chorus of sounds is fantastic. It’s a simultaneous appreciation for first responders and medical teams, and connecting with our neighbors. My community includes a harbor, and the sounds the last few nights have included boat horns, bells at the local church, and some percussion. It’s really heartening to hear the entire town take part.

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      There’s a friend of a friend going round labelling the trees and plants on the sidewalk with chalk. It’s been very well received as it feels very normal.

      2. Ariaflame*

        Around my area they appear to be wrapping trees in knitted rainbows or coloured paper.

    4. Princess Deviant*

      Well, I really like “let go, or be dragged”, which is a Zen proverb, but I can see how it might seem a bit ominous if you wrote it in chalk on the pavement XD

    5. Jemima Bond*

      I walked past a child’s blackboard they had put out in their back garden (separated from a footpath by only a low chain link fence). It had chalked on a rainbow and “SMILE!”
      Reader, I obeyed.

    6. Ann Onny Muss*

      There’s a house I pass when I walk. They have kids, who have sidewalk chalk. They draw hopscotch squares, and invite passersby to use them. They also write messages like “Be happy!” Or “Stay healthy!” (Actually, they spell “healthy” as “heathy” but that just adds to the charm and makes me smile.) It’s just all around adorable and sincere.

      2. Shhhh*

        There’s a house in my neighborhood with little kids that drew a whole little course (including hopscotch, but other little games too) this week

      3. Claritza*

        A chalked hopscotch game in my neighborhood has 31 squares and goes down some steps! But where do you get a rubber heel these days?!

    7. LGC*

      “Sending Air Hugs” was a good one. And now you’re making me want to go out and get a bucket of chalk – I didn’t get one on my grocery run this week, but I can get one next week I guess.

    9. StarHunter*

      Random chalk rainbows on the sidewalk. Makes me smile every time. And someone wrote in chalk “We miss you!” in front of the closed local Chinese take-out place.

    10. MissGirl*

      During my (remote) church services last week, one speaker said, “We did not come this far, to only come this far.”

      Five years ago, I quit my career and my industry and accepted some dreams wouldn’t come true. I completely overhauled my life, and I was terrified all the work I’ve done to get this far would be wiped out. That growth was not for naught and I’ll overcome whatever may happen.

    11. Retail not Retail*

      Kids are decorating their brick mailboxes with chalk and starting on the brick lining of the houses.

      I also see random teddy bears in windows!

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        The teddy bears may be in support of children’s author Michael Rosen (We’re Going on a Bear Hunt) who has contracted Covid-19 (but I believe is getting better)… in the UK, at least, the idea is that children out walking can hunt for them :-)

    12. Anon5775*

      Our grandparents (or parents) generation went to war. You’re being asked to sit on a couch. You can do this.

      1. lobsterp0t*

        I resent this one so much
        My flipping generation went to war. Twice. Afghanistan and Iraq. Or did we conveniently forget?

        1. merp*

          Yeahhh not just this^, which is a very good and important point, but it’s also dismissive of the difficulties that come with this situation. This isn’t a competition. People are lonely and scared and losing their jobs and isolated from their loved ones. Sitting on a couch doesn’t really cover it.

    14. Windchime*

      The neighborhood kids here have been going crazy with the chalk. All over the sidewalks and in the street. I haven’t read a particular message but it makes me happy to see all of the colorful art they have created with their chalk. Also, there is a big group of kinds behind my house that bounce on their trampoline for hours on end. Normally it would annoy me, but now it’s serving as a reminder that it’s just kids doing what kids do, despite this weird and crazy time.

    15. Fikly*

      I hadn’t thought of this in ages, but it reminded me of an early college memory. I went to one of those small northeastern liberal arts colleges that had been around for several hundred years, and during orientation week, the matriculating class all lines up, and one by one, we went into this tiny one room cottage (one of the founding old white dudes of the college had been born in it or something) and signed a book to officially matriculate.

      Well, with a class of around 400 students, the line was long in length and time. So a few new found roommates and I dashed off to the bookstore, bought chalk, and then entertained ourselves as the line slowly inched its way forward leaving pictures and sarcastic comments about how much longer there was to go before you would reach the front of the line. Good times…

    16. Elizabeth West*

      Nobody does anything cool around here. I don’t know how my family always ends up in the most boring places imaginable.
      Although some dum-dum was shooting off fireworks the other night, which wasn’t exciting, just loud.

    17. anonann*

      I live near a ton of old, quaint churches that’s always have great messages on their signs. One of my recent favorites read, “love God, help each other.” Such a good reminder when individualism and self preservation seems to have taken over.

  7. Ola*

    Well, I just took a pregnancy test and it appears I am about five weeks pregnant. To say this is a shock would be an understatement. The only child my husband and I have managed to create in thirteen years was born via IVF nearly four years ago. But, you know what they say, it only takes one!

    I’m delighted and amazed but also freaking terrified. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, y’all! And this is not ideal life timing, either. Between COVID-19 and this nugget my final year of grad school is getting torn apart. But – BABY! Tonight I’ve been watching old videos of my big nugget as a newborn and feeling all mushy. Fingers crossed this little one sticks.

    And oh lord, I’m going to hear jokes about quarantine babies for the rest of my life. I mean… it’s true. But still!

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      A character in one of my favorite books said, “Nobody with a bit of sense expects babies to be convenient.” To be sure, it’s a bit extra inconvenient right now, but on the other hand the world should be getting back to normal in 8 months, so the timing isn’t too bad. And maybe there will be a good crop of kids just about your little one’s age for them to play with as they grow up. :)

    5. a boring pregnancy to you*

      Congrats! You’ll look back on this crazy time and have warm fuzzies.

    7. Ann Onny Muss*

      Many congratulations and sticky baby vibes heading your way. I hope the pregnancy is boring and uneventful, since world events and other things in your personal life are currently not.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Hip hip huzzah! May it be happily routine with a healthy family at the other end!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      You made me smile. It’s the universe’s opinion that we shall continue on. I had similar feeling about Sept 11th babies, they were our gift/reminder that we shall continue on.

    9. 'Tis Me*

      <3 Congratulations and good luck! Sometimes spontaneous babies do follow IVF babies – I think it can reset your hormones?

    10. Jules the 3rd*

      Congratulations! This made me smile widely.

      My IVF was 13 years ago, he’s snuggling the dog now.

    12. Perpal*

      I always thought having babies is like breaking a leg, in that there’s no good time to do it. You just go for it when you can! Humanity has muddled through quite well since this all started ;) But seriously, congrats, understand the combination of love and anxiety that comes with it. I think schools etc now are usually pretty supportive which also helps keep everything on track. Good luck!

    13. Dancing Otter*

      Congratulations! Echoing others’ wishes for an uneventful pregnancy.
      Also, now you don’t have to compete for hygiene products in short supply.

      1. Ola*

        Ha! This was actually one of the first things I thought of – that I don’t have to worry about my period for a while! I have four boxes of tampons (serendipitously purchased before the pandemic began) that are just going to languish in the back of the closet for a while.

    14. Analyst Editor*

      Congrats!
      I think that’s a great attitude for a baby! :) They’re never perfectly timed except in lucky circumstances.

      Good luck!
      At least you probably won’t have two in diapers by the time this one’s due….:D

    17. Courageous cat*

      Congrats!!! Hopefully when the 9 months are up all of this is long over, fingers crossed anyway.

    18. KoiFeeder*

      Oh, my goodness! Congratulations to you! I hope it’s a very boring and uneventful pregnancy.

    20. Fikly*

      Congrats!

      I knew someone whose first children – triplets – took 13 years and several hundred thousand dollars. Then child number four took one night, a $9 bottle of wine, and a deep conviction that birth control was not needed, 18 months later.

    22. J.B.*

      Congratulations! There is never a good time, is there ;) I wish you the best health and joy.

    24. RagingADHD*

      How wonderful! Congrats!
      Everything I’ve seen about covid + pregnancy indicates it’s not dangerous to the baby (though the pg does somewhat increase your chance of catching it.)

      Those jokes are happy jokes. Life wins.

    28. Marillenbaum*

      CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I hope you have a safe, healthy pregnancy, an easy delivery, and a baby that sleeps at least some of the time.

  8. Best Cat in the World*

    I asked last week about skin care recommendations for damage caused by wearing masks. Work got busy and it was rather late when I got to read it so I just wanted to say thank you. Unfortunately the headbands/cloth connectors are a bit of an infection control issue, but I have found a paperclip a lot of use!
    Thank you to moql for pointing out it was a pressure damage issue and not skincare. That’s something I’d honestly never considered but is so obvious now I think about it and the reframing has helped!

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      Someone’s also printing 3d plastic clips that look like –[–[–[–]–]–]– , to give people a range of fitting options.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      I am volunteering with this group: https://milwaukeemakerspace.org/covid-19/

      We are making and donating face shields to medical workers. This is a global effort. There may be a group near you? We are using an open-source design – user feedback is that it is very comfortable, even after nine hours of use.

      If you want to find the group’s facebook page (there is a link on their website and I am an admin for now), I will try to track down a Maker group in your area that is making and donating the shields.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      I know it seems like your issue wasn’t skincare products after all, but I wanted to let you know that my friend who is the Beauty Director at the Cut at New York Magazine started a movement where the major beauty companies are donating skincare and other beauty products for healthcare workers. I believe they are using @donatebeauty now but you can also contact Kathleen Hou on instagram to get free donated beauty products for you and your fellow healthcare workers from the major beauty companies! I think you just need to send her the name of your hospital, what your job is, and some verification that you actually work at the hospital and they will send a shipment. They’ve been sending them to hospitals all over the country! Thank you for what you do.

    4. Lizzo*

      Thank you for your frontline service!
      Something else that might help you out: my friend owns a small business selling no-slip headbands, and they’re customizing them to help with face mask fit.
      If you go to best nonslip headband [dot] com and click on “Frontline Workers” in the top right you’ll find more info.
      Hope this helps!

  9. Sabina*

    I ordered a fabric face mask that features a kitten dressed as an astronaut floating in a sparkly outer space scene. This is all.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      I feel like you would appreciate the fabric I have just bought to make into a simple sleeveless top. It features cats and sausage dogs, swimming among pale turquoise waves, wearing snorkels and masks.

    3. Ann Onny Muss*

      I have one with llamas on it, a swirly-pattern orange one, and one with kitties on it. I figure if I have to wear one, I’ll at least have fun with it.

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      A friend of mine is making Star Wars themed ones, very popular in my friend group.

    7. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      My amazing sewing mother has been using scraps to make a face mask to match practically every shirt she’s made in the last 2 years or so. This is on top of the ones she’s making for others so I’m happy to see her finding some fun in all this, lol.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I made one from the CDC pattern for my dad, since a mask that can be laundered would be easier for him. Two layers of an old cotton sheet with interfacing in the center and elastic ear loops. I only have 1/4-inch elastic and it was a struggle getting it through the side. Ugh.

      I wasn’t going to get another sewing machine until I got settled, but rather than make it by hand, I caved and went to a sewing / vacuum store and got a very basic model Baby Lock machine for about $100. It works great; I like it a lot better than the old White brand I used to have. Anything that makes sewing easier; I really kinda hate it.

      1. Windchime*

        Oh man, I used to have a White sewing machine and we just never got along. It had constant trouble with tension and I was glad to lose it in my divorce. You really cannot go wrong with a Baby Lock, Bernina, or Janome.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          When I was looking for a machine to make skating outfits, I didn’t want a Singer because I’d heard their quality went way down after they were bought out. So I tried the White. I feel like I fought with it a lot, although that could have just been the difficult fabrics — stretch velvet, etc. aren’t really easy to work with even though the patterns I used were simple.

          The Baby Lock seems to work a lot better. I can’t really do that much with it, since I have almost no supplies right now. But when I have work again, I might make some household items.

  10. Funny Cide*

    Where do you buy your soft crew neck sweatshirts, friends? Bonus points for smaller businesses, and bonus points for not breaking the bank – because do I reeeally need one, or does a nice, new soft sweatshirt just sound comforting?

    1. Princess Deviant*

      I love ‘Man who has it all’, although what constitutes expensive? I think they’re quite expensive but they are very well made and the colours seem good and able to withstand washing. Their sizing tends to be on the snug side.

      They have slogans on though which not not be what you want if you prefer plain sweatshirts.
      I believe they use teemill, so it may be worth going direct to teemill yourself and ordering what you want. Teemill aren’t a small business though!

      The only other places I know that do sweatshirts online are Primark or Marks and Spencer, neither of which are small or local businesses, sorry. M&S are good quality though.

      1. Funny Cide*

        The man who has it all ones look great! I wasn’t exactly helpful on budget there but I don’t think this is out of my price range at all. Thank you for the recommendation!

        1. Princess Deviant*

          Oh great! I have the “women will be women: born to lead” t-shirt, and the hoodie with ‘no’ on it.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Old Navy loose crew neck sweatshirts. The vintage ones are nice too, but I’ve found them a bit on the stiffer side.

    4. Timekeeper*

      Grocery shopping experience Thursday was less stressful than imagined after seeing the long lines on the media.

      I got to the local Safeway (SF Bay Area) when it opened at 7am for the elderly 2 hour shopping window and there was only a small line. No paper products or hand sanitizer, but otherwise fully stocked shelves.

      Produce area fully stocked. Some what limited varieties of meat. They had eggs, bread, flour and many other staples.

      Everyone observing social distancing, most everyone wearing a mask. Used self check out and I was in and out on 30 minutes.

      I noticed that several items were priced higher than marked on the shelves (meat and eggs) but I was happy to get them and didn’t quibble.

      Wiped everthing down with Clorox wipes, changed my clothes and washed my hands.

      1. Alison Faid*

        Just out of interest, do you not have something like the Scanning Code of Practice which we have in Canada? Most grocery chains subscribe. It is a voluntary code that grocers sign up for (probably because if they didn’t it would be legislated). Basically, if the price on the shelf is x and it rings in at more, the consumer has the right to the first one free – up to $10. I believe it works for other retailers too, but mostly useful in pharmacies and groceries. I’ve had a lot of free groceries over the years by being vigilant. :)

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          That is the way it’s supposed to work here as well, but at least in Connecticut stores are stocking shelves quickly and just putting everything out at once even if it spills into the next section of shelf. I ended up with 10 boxes of whole wheat spaghetti before I figured that out. (It it turns out we like it so I’m not complaining anymore.)

      1. Washi*

        Ahh I love Pact too!!! I’m trying to buy more fair trade stuff for things I don’t want to thrift (like sports bras) and Pact is my go-to.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      I usually get things like that at Walmart or Target.
      Old Navy is good, and places like Marshall’s or TJMaxx has finds.

    7. T. Boone Pickens*

      Not sure if you are US based or what your budget looks like but there is a company named Raygun that makes some hilarious sweatshirts (cats holding laser guns, stuff like that) that are quite soft. I’d also recommend a company called Homefield Apparel if you like US college sports teams. Their hooded sweatshirts are incredibly soft and I’ve basically lived in them the past month.

    9. Notinstafamous*

      Highly recommend Kotn for a small business with very nice soft crew neck cotton sweatshirts. A little on the expensive side depending on your budget, but Fair wages paid, made in Canada or the US, organic cotton, incredibly durable and well-made, nice colours, all the good stuff. Fit is definitely on the snug size so I’d size up.

    10. Dumpster Fire*

      I’m a big fan of Life is Good tees and sweatshirts. I know they’re not a smaller business but their fabrics are generally high quality and they always have stuff on sale.

    11. Nicole76*

      I really like the Tek Gear sweatshirts at Kohl’s. I found them second hand but I see they’re currently on sale on the Kohl’s website so I’ll probably buy a few since I love them so much. They retain their shape, unlike Fruit of the Loom or Hanes. They do have holes in the sleeves though, as they are meant to be worn when working out, but for me they are lounge around and sleepwear because they’re so comfortable.

  11. willow for now*

    Sometimes Walgreen’s has surprisingly nice sweatshirts for really cheap. (They also have hoodies, which are my guilty pleasure for the last couple of years.)

    1. Funny Cide*

      Oh darn! I was just there picking up a prescription today. I’ll have to refill so I’ll keep that in mind!

  12. Blueberry*

    Here I am posting about National Poetry Month again. Also, this poem really spoke to me, as an antidote to the whole “you ought to use this time to self-improve” meme. I’m only posting an excerpt, and I had wanted to link to it elsewhere but I didn’t find a posting I wanted to link to, but this should be enough to find the rest.

    Quoted by Mary Oliver for Corona Times (after Wild Geese)

    by Adrie Suzanne Kusserow

    You do not have to become totally zen,
    You do not have to use this isolation to make your marriage better,
    your body slimmer, your children more creative.
    You do not have to “maximize its benefits”
    By using this time to work even more,
    write the bestselling Corona Diaries,
    Or preach the gospel of ZOOM.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body unlearn
    everything capitalism has taught you…

    1. Crazy Broke Asian*

      Wise words.

      For some time, I’ve had Donald Justice’s There is a Gold Light in Certain Old Paintings stuck in my head. I’m also working my way through AE Housman’s A Shropshire Lad.

    2. Senior Montoya*

      This is one of my favorites. Denise Levertov, O Taste and See: uuwestport.org/o-taste-and-see/

      1. Blueberry*

        Oh that’s gorgeous. I may pair that with a drawing I did of a quince for one of the postcards I’m making to send to my friends.

    3. Senior Montoya*

      And here is another. Galway Kinnell, Blackberry Eating: poetrysociety.org/poetry-in-motion/blackberry-eating

      1. Blueberry*

        I like the fruit in poetry theme. :)

        Moonlit Apples
        At the top of the house the apples are laid in rows,
        And the skylight lets the moonlight in, and those
        Apples are deep-sea apples of green. There goes
        A cloud on the moon in the autumn night.

        A mouse in the wainscot scratches, and scratches, and then
        There is no sound at the top of the house of men
        Or mice; and the cloud is blown, and the moon again
        Dapples the apples with deep-sea light.

        They are lying in rows there, under the gloomy beams;
        On the sagging floor; they gather the silver streams
        Out of the moon, those moonlit apples of dreams,
        And quiet is the steep stair under.

        In the corridors under there is nothing but sleep.
        And stiller than ever on orchard boughs they keep
        Tryst with the moon, and deep is the silence, deep
        On moon-washed apples of wonder.
        John Drinkwater

    4. AVP*

      a friend posted this one the other day and it really resonated:

      Good Bones, by Maggie Smith

      Life is short, though I keep this from my children.
      Life is short, and I’ve shortened mine
      in a thousand delicious, ill-advised ways,
      a thousand deliciously ill-advised ways
      I’ll keep from my children. The world is at least
      fifty percent terrible, and that’s a conservative
      estimate, though I keep this from my children.
      For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird.
      For every loved child, a child broken, bagged,
      sunk in a lake. Life is short and the world
      is at least half terrible, and for every kind
      stranger, there is one who would break you,
      though I keep this from my children. I am trying
      to sell them the world. Any decent realtor,
      walking you through a real shithole, chirps on
      about good bones: This place could be beautiful,
      right? You could make this place beautiful.

      1. Blueberry*

        That one made me cry the first time I read it, not least since I read it right after a kid I’m close to told me about dealing with sexism and I had to tamp down my upset and fury to help her deal with hers. And yet, I can’t be less than hopeful to her, it wouldn’t be fair.

    5. Pam*

      I love David Lee’s poetry. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/david-lee

      Ten Easy Steps To Fall In Love With Poetry

      1.Move slowly down the poetry aisles (the 800 section) with your fingertips lightly trailing along the spines.

      2. Imagine millions of words all waiting to speak, sing, whisper, and cry to you.

      3. Stop.

      4. Look at the spine of the book that you are touching for no particular reason.

      5. Pull that book off the shelf.

      6. Open it randomly.

      7. Use whatever light there is in the poetry section and read a poem.

      8. If you like the poem, check the book out.

      9. If not, try again tomorrow.

      10. No matter what, try again tomorrow.”

    7. M. Albertine*

      Edna St. Vincent Millay has had the balance of hope and macabre that feels fitting to the season:

      SPRING

      To what purpose, April, do you return again?
      Beauty is not enough.
      You can no longer quiet me with the redness
      Of little leaves opening stickily.
      I know what I know.
      The sun is hot on my neck as I observe
      The spikes of the crocus.
      The smell of the earth is good.
      It is apparent that there is no death.
      But what does that signify?
      Not only under ground are the brains of men
      Eaten by maggots,
      Life in itself
      Is nothing,
      An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.
      It is not enough that yearly, down this hill,
      April
      Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.

      1. Blueberry*

        Oh my wow, thank you for reminding me of this one. She was one of my favorite poets and this is so true for this year.

  13. Jaid*

    It was my mother’s 75th birthday this week AND the start of Passover. Not a very good day for her, since it was just her and Dad this year. But hopefully we’ll get together later in the year and celebrate everyone’s birthday at a really nice place to make up for it. She’s just very sad at the lack of contact with people, though Zoom chats with the folks from the synagogue helps. She keeps inviting me over, saying that they’re healthy and I have to put her off…

    In other news, the new Asian supermarket has outfitted it’s employees with disposable overalls, masks and gloves, put plastic to screen the seafood section and meat section employees, and plastic barriers for the cashiers. I must go at odd hours, because there’s hardly anyone in there and it’s fully stocked. If it had seltzer, Fancy Feast, and bagels, I don’t think I’d need to go anywhere else.

    1. MistOrMister*

      My mom is insistent that I go over for Easter dinner. I told her I will NOT come in the house. I think the plan is that I will sit on the porch and talk to them through the window. Maybe via speaker phone….

      1. Ann Onny Muss*

        My mom keeps trying to come over to my house. “I have masks [aunt] made for you.” I don’t need any at this very moment.

        “Well, your dad just got back with a side of beef. I can bring some to you.” (This was after she [understandably] complained about him going to Wyoming to pick it up.) My fridge and pantry are well stocked. No.

        “I should pick up your recycling.” I don’t need you to pick up my recycling. STAY THE F**K AT HOME, MOM. GOOD GRIEF.

    2. Raia*

      My mom just asked me to come over, bc my dad’s nose was bleeding and wasnt stopping. I feel for her and normally I would go over, though I highly doubt a difference would be made if I was there or not. They’re both at risk though so I said no unless there was something she thought I could do. Ugh.

    3. Jaid*

      Annd she just called to see if I’ll meet up with them at a parking lot. Still have to turn her down, though.

  14. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    I just acquired a massive stash of colored thread and I need some crafty ideas for what to do with it. (Look, it was free AND they were going to throw it out. I couldn’t just leave it!) I can, of course, just sew with it, but A. it’s rayon thread and fairly weak. Beautiful for top stitching, but I’d hesitate to use it for a seam where strength was needed, and B. I doubt I could use this much thread up in a lifetime of sewing. I have probably nearly 1/2 a million yards of it in literally a hundred different shades. (I know, it’s way too much! But it was free and I only took one spool of every color.)

    1. Something Blue*

      Cross stitch!

      Have you ever said or heard someone say, you should put that (words of wisdom or snark) on a pillow?

      You could make little sachet-size pillows or signs of whatever “wisdom” makes you smile.

      Something that won’t get handled a lot so the weakness of the thread won’t matter that much.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        I’d think it would be way too fine for cross stitch, but another type of hand embroidery might be nice?
        Or it’s used a lot for free motion machine embroidery, you could take that up? Make some art for the walls?

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Yeah, I think it’s too fine for cross stitch. It’s probably even finer than standard sewing thread.

          Great idea for free motion machine embroidery. I got a book about it from the library years ago, but had totally forgotten and never tried it. I’ll have to give it a go when I can take my machine to the shop.

      2. Anonymath*

        How about some thread art? Find an unneeded corrugated cardboard delivery box, cut out two largish identical pieces and glue together. Find a nice scrap of wrapping paper and tape to cover the cardboard on the front and sides. Use small nails (or even pins if you’re careful) to make a shape or pattern on the wrapped side. Tie thread color of your choice onto a nail and wrap around, making a pretty art piece. Add additional colors and tie off on another peg when finished! You can find free patterns online for ideas!

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Oh, wow! I’d seen that before but only the kid’s version which was too simply to really appeal to me. People are making some beautiful things. I shall have to see what cardboard I have.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I’m old enough to remember string art– it was big in the 1970s. I’m thinking thread’s too thin. But if you know anyone with a dollhouse and you have the patience you could blow their minds by doing one in miniature!
            Either way it’s fussy enough I’d go straight to wood because it lasts longer than cardboard. :)

      3. Pippa*

        Clothesline bowls use a lot of thread and look great with colored thread. And are amazingly soothing to sew. Ok. I will stop now. Have fun with your find!

    2. Monty & Millie's Mom*

      I don’t have any recommendations, as I don’t sew and am not crafty, unfortunately, but I do want to commend you for rescuing the thread! It would have been awful for it to just be thrown away! I hate to see things wasted like that, but also – and I know this is illogical, okay?! – but think how sad that thread would be to be tossed away, never to reach its full potential! So kudos to you!

    3. Senior Montoya*

      You were very restrained! Only one spool of each color. I would not have been able to do that!

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        These are industrial sized spools. There are 5500 yards on a full spool and most of the ones I got are full or almost full. A normal spool of thread has 250. And ‘one of each’ is over a hundred different colors.

        I don’t think I was really restrained.

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          I love the mental image of this, and I hope it looks as spectacular in your house as it does in my mind! <3

    4. Pippa*

      I save dull needles to use on cardstock for cards and gift tags. I try out my machine’s special stitches or use a darning foot to “free sew” shapes. It’s fun. I use scrap cardstock and cheap thread I can’t make myself throw away too.

    5. Pippa*

      Use your machine’s special stitches to add decorative touches to pillow cases or top sheets. Or shirt hems, short hems, skirts hems … whatever. Even rows of zig zags in multiple colors would be fun.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I’d add: make a “special stitches” sampler with your machine to use as a future reference. Write the stitch name/number and settings next to the stitches. This will come in handy next time you’re looking a nice decorative stitch.
        You can also make thread bowls with wash-away stabilizer.
        And, WOW, what a great find! Have fun!

    6. Argye*

      Temari balls! They’re Japanese thread-wrapped balls. I’ve done a tiny amount of it. They use up thread incredibly fast. Link to a picture in the reply.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Ooh, pretty! Yes, that would use a ton of thread. I wonder if I could glue the thread down so the cat can play with it without destroying it? A layer of clear epoxy, maybe?

    7. it happens*

      Try out sashiko- visible mending. You do so many stitches that the strength might not really matter…
      And, hey, this is a good problem to have

    8. female-type person*

      Clearly, the universe wishes for you to own an embroidery machine. So. Much. Fun.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Thread jewelry is a thing–maybe try and see if yours looks lovely wrapped like that? And ooooo Google just showed me two forms. I was thinking of silk thread bangles & beads (I believe Indian), and it also turned up Peruvian thread jewelry that’s done like the string&board&nail art from earlier in this, er, thread.

  15. What Type Of Feminist Are You?*

    I’m online dating and have “feminist” in my profile.

    I got asked in a message “what type of feminist are you? 3rd wave or new wave or hybrid?”

    How do you answer that? I need ideas!

    (If this is too political a question for this space, sorry & please remove!)

    1. Princess Zelda*

      As far as I have ever been able to tell, 3rd wave just meant “became a feminist after 1980” and some people call #MeToo activists the 4th wave. It’s really unclear! The nature of feminism means that these kinds of distinctions are…. blurry, at best. I’m going to reply to myself with a Vox article I thought was a pretty decent quick explainer on the main drivers of the various waves.

    2. Crazy Broke Asian*

      Which of those descriptions fit your beliefs the most?

      Or your can ditch the label and just give a catchy, short summary of what you believe?

      I’d probably say something along the lines of “intersectional, Muslim feminist”.

    3. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      That’s a new one! I don’t think I’ve heard that one yet? “Intersectional feminist” might work well, as Crazy Broke Asian mentioned.

    4. Jemima Bond*

      I’ve never heard of any of those distinctions. You could as someone suggests just summarise your position briefly but my personal reaction to an online potential date asking me that would have been…..“ ooof this guy is a bit high maintenance …sounds like he’d give me a load of grief if I am the “wrong” type of feminist…think I’ll move on.”

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Yeah, this. I’ve heard lots of these terms but not having a big interest in the (semantics? Philosophy? Theory? IDK what term I want here) details of various “kinds” of feminism this response raises a big red flag that this guy will be one of those tiresome “logical” types who will argue with you about why whatever response you give is illogical and inconsistent because actually, it conflicts with this definition that may or may not be widely accepted but I’m going to treat this one source as the definitive one despite any evidence to the contrary. I’d just pass without bothering to try to define it to his satisfaction.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yeah, this is my take. I am now happily married, but when I was dating I was exactly 0% interested in indulging men who wanted to Discuss Ideas in abstract ways when those ideas were, you know… my EXISTENCE.

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        Yeah, it sounds to me like this is the type of person who’d use whatever you said as an opportunity to pick holes in your argument. I’d say ‘intersectional’ and see what response that gets.

    5. Sir Freelancelot*

      I had this question asked me and I usually answer with “I’m the type of feminist that believes that men, women and human beings in general should have the same rights.”.

    6. Joh*

      I‘d say ‚intersectional feminist‘ (though I do quite enjoy some literature and political practices from the 70s and 80s). I would, however, not really be interested to debate my choice of feminism or the typology with some random potential dating partner, I‘d be more happy about a ‚Yeah! So cool you are also a feminist ‚…

    7. Analyst Editor*

      My guess is he’s fishing for whether you’re a social-justice/intersectional feminist (arguably the default position of you self-identify as a feminist in your profile), or someone whose view is more, “I don’t want women oppressed and I like my legal rights, but I disagree with the feminist movement in its current iteration/think the goals of feminism are largely reached”. For example, that more libertarian or conservative women might describe their feminism in the latter way.

      So based on how much you like the guy otherwise, keepesaaginf him but I’d argue that he’s probably not an intersectional feminist himself (or whatever the guy equivalent to that is?).

    8. Jules the 3rd*

      I’m kinda surprised everyone’s assuming this question came from a man…

      Either way, they may be checking for TERFness, and sensitivity to race. ‘Intersectional’ is a good answer *if* you’ve spent some time looking at the issues and if you’re willing to keep working on them in yourself.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I’m kinda surprised everyone’s assuming this question came from a man…

        This is an excellent point. Just goes to show how heteronormative our society is.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          And….I just realized that I’m assuming @What Type Of Feminist Are You? is a woman because they have the word “feminist” in their profile.

      3. VI Guy*

        Yeah, my first thought was “This may be a question asked by a woman who is non-white or has a disability, or spends a lot of time with people who are, so if the OP is an intersectional feminist then that may get them a lot of bonus points”

      4. Person from the Resume*

        I assumed it was a woman, myself, but that’s who I date and who I’d expect a woman to be more aware of the types of feminist than a man.

        OTOH I’d say I am an intersectional demise, but I don’t know enough about feminist theory to know what 3rd wave or new wave or hybrid means so whoever is asking seems to be very academic.

        1. Anonnington*

          I had the same thought. I imagined it was either a woman or a man who was a) more knowledgeable about feminism than most, or b) cautious about talking to feminists. It could be anything from, “Awesome! What are your thoughts on this particular author?” to, “OMG are you gonna yell at me if I hold the door for you / get my nails done at a salon???” Woman or man, it’s hard to say where they could be coming from.

    9. Senior Montoya*

      Haha, I’d be tempted to say, in these times and in this place, isn’t “feminist” good enough?

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes. This isn’t supposed to be a random Twitter argument, but the prelude to a hopefully enjoyable dating relationship.

        Don’t feel pressured to play a guessing game. It will just set you up for more guessing as you go on.

        Communication skills > labels.

        2. Avasarala*

          Yes. I would give a non answer like “Pre-Cambrian” or “Steve Rodgers and Capt. Raymond Holt. Wait, which Buzzfeed quiz was this?”

    11. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Try something like “I’m an intersectional feminist, what kind of feminist are you?” Their answer to that is likely to be informative. Anyone who asks “what kind of feminist are you?” and isn’t prepared to answer that about themself, or denies being a feminist, is probably not worth your time.

    12. RJ*

      Such a trolling question. I put that I was into Roe v Wade in mine and got 0 questions . . . And not a ton of dates but all were good.

    13. AnonLurker Appa*

      I disagree with others saying this is a flag. To me it seems like someone might be legitimately engaging with the info you provide in your profile, which (from what I hear about online dating) is rare.

      If you don’t already identify with a particular type of feminism, I would just try to summarize what feminist means to yourself in a sentence or two, and then ask them if they consider themselves a feminist and/or ask them about themself.

      1. Frankie Bergstein*

        This was my first thought as well — the respondent could have a thoughtful question and could be trying to start a conversation.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Online dating is a landmine. What about ‘easy-going’ as an answer? Or in some way implying you’re not doing this academically?

    15. Anonnington*

      Ok, as someone whose college minor was gender studies, I have to say that the waves are all broad generalizations incorporating a lot of different viewpoints.

      As a person whose social circle is broad and diverse, I have to say that feminism means really different things to different people. There is a lot of ignorance surounding it. And people’s understanding of it depends greatly on where they got their info. Not just Rush Limbaugh vs womens studies classes, but which specific authors they have read, what media they follow, who they talk to, all of that.

      If you identify with a subset of feminism, that would be one place to start. But I think that explaining your beliefs on key issues – and a basic definition of what feminism means to you – would be the most useful.

  16. Galxe*

    Do you police people’s language IRL like you do here?

    Many posters are quick to slap down the words of others, and I wonder whether you also do it face to face.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Hmm. I wonder if you would word this comment as strongly if you were speaking face-to-face with someone.

      For me, I do think I try to point out when someone is using language in a harmful way, even in person. I think it’s easier to tailor your tone to your audience when you know your audience. I’d speak to my parent differently than I would to my child; I’d speak to my neighbor differently than I would to my friend. For some relationships, it would take an extreme statement to cause me to intervene, for others it could be much milder.

      Online, you don’t really know your audience, and you don’t generally have a personal relationship with that person. So for me, at least, I’m more likely to address language in the abstract (“that’s exclusionary, that’s offensive, that’s stereotyping”) whereas in person I’m more likely to address the person in context.

      I think this board is pretty good about not “slapping down” anyone, though.

    2. Katrianah (UK)*

      Yes, I do. Anything from “hey can you not use that word/phrase/language around me, it’s not appropriate” to “wtaf did you say that for” depending on who I am calling out.

    3. Jemima Bond*

      Someone I manage used a word completely wrongly in a short email (just to me). I sent him an Inigo Montoya meme.
      Make of that what you will.

    4. Teacher trainer*

      Yes. I’m a teacher, and part of my job is pointing out when language used is harmful and educating them on why and how, and what to do about it. This is valuable, meaningful and significant work.

      I also see the importance of addressing this more generally with people, and I do. Obviously the context matters – if it’s someone I know, I will probably have a better idea of what will work with them. I may be able to appeal to a specific aspect, soften my language, or whatever, in order to be as effective as possible. Whereas online I don’t have that information so I default to clear and direct naming of the issue. Also, online and IRL, my goal is to address it as much for those witnessing the use as for the person using it.

    5. Retail not Retail*

      I have no poker face so I’ll wince if someone says something in a casual setting.

      It’s also easier to “police language” online because we can both calm down and formulate a response, rather than me snapping “don’t effing say that”

    8. Jules the 3rd*

      In general, yes, people police language IRL at about the same rate (or *more*) than here. This forum’s actually relatively good about it; derailing an argument by focusing on word choice is a really popular tactic on most comment sections that have disagreements, and I only see it once in a while here. (Like 20% on most sites, and once the word picking starts, that comment stream is over; maybe 5% here, and they don’t usually derail discussions here, more like sidebars)

      1. no apples today*

        ….I actually think this comments section is worse than a lot of other places on the internet. Discussions get derailed so often because people are nitpicking word choice. I honestly don’t post here much anymore because the nitpicking is so bad that you can’t even write something banal without people jumping on you for a variety of reasons. There’s a lot of people here who want to be offended by the smallest non-bigoted thing and it’s exhausting.

        1. Galxe*

          Not just nitpicking but also shaming. And not also shaming but a competition to be the first to shame.

          The word ‘crazy’ is all but banned here. You can’t post “it was crazy in the supermarket before the lockdown”. No reasonable person would assume you are taking about mental health, but here you’d be shamed for using it in that situational context.

          And it’s okay to write “my boss is a typical rich white man” here, but instant outrage if you write “my boss is a typical rich Chinese man”.

          But I have to say I laughed that some posters actually policed my question! Thanks for not helping yourself.

    9. Generic Name*

      I’m not sure what you mean by “police language”. If you mean point out when someone uses they’re/their incorrectly on Facebook, then no. But if someone makes a racist comment, absolutely.

      I recently had the following exchange with a coworker:
      Him: did you know they’re calling it [coronavirus] the Kung flu?
      Me: By “they” do you mean racist people.

      1. Analyst Editor*

        It does, which is Al the more reason why people can be so resistant to others “policing” or correcting them.

    11. JKP*

      My BF is a patent/trademark attorney, and he drives me nuts with correcting trademark names in conversation. It’s not “Fedex” it’s “Fedex Office” It’s not “Kleenex” It’s “Kleenex tissues.” I get how trademarks work, but we’re just having a conversation, and it’s not your job to assert these companies’ trademarks probono.

      I think everyone has their language things that drive them nuts like nails on a chalkboard. I grew up in a “pop” region and have now moved to a “soda” region. Every. Single. Time. I say “pop” whoever is standing next to me (even complete strangers) correct me “it’s soda.”

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I’m sure it’s no fun for you, but from the outside it’s very amusing. Will he literally say, “Can you hand me a Kleenex tissue?”

        1. JKP*

          He will generally just say “Hand me a tissue” without using the trademark name, but if he uses trademark names, he does use them properly. Also, when I said “Fedex” instead of “Fedex Office” he literally texted me a photo of their outside signage later that day when he was in their parking lot.

            1. JKP*

              Then he pretends like he can’t understand what I’m saying. (Confused): “What do you mean you googled something?” (Lightbulb): “Oh, did you mean that you looked something up with Google search engine?”

              1. allathian*

                And you put up with this? Seriously? Is he unaware or just a jerk? I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that sort of behavior in a friend… YMMV, obviously. Just reading about it has me almost breaking out in hives. His behavior sounds almost passive-aggressive, or downright aggressive policing of language. I hope he grows out of it. On the face of it, it sounds like a funny quirk. But funny quirks often turn out to be dealbreakers in the long run…

                I’m a translator/proofreader so I do a lot of language policing at work. IRL I don’t meddle in the speech of other adults and very rarely do I correct my kid. And even then it’s mostly a matter of genre rather than bad word choices. For example, I swear some, as does my husband. We don’t swear at people, but if I stub my toe or hurt myself in some other way, I will let out a few choice words. I think it’s hypocritical to try to prevent my son from swearing, although I do point out that swearing is not universally acceptable, especially from kids, and that he shouldn’t do it in front of his grandparents or at school, or at a friend’s house where the rules are probably different. As a result, he almost never swears, or at least not in my hearing. I haven’t heard any complaints from his grandparents or from school, either, so I assume he doesn’t swear there.
                At work, I stick to euphemisms like the equivalents of darn and crap, and use them very sparingly. Can’t remember when I last swore at work…

              2. LJay*

                I am imagining talking to a chat bot or a NPC character in a video game with this description. Or one of those automated phone lines (though even those recognize more natural speech nowadays).

            2. Arts Akimbo*

              Haha, yes! “Hand me that Kleenex. I need to go to FedEx to Xerox that printout of the Powerpoint I Photoshopped, and if I don’t mail it today I might as well Bubble-Wrap it and throw it in the Dumpster!

          2. alex b*

            This is hilarious to me. Where does it end?

            “This LEGO toy brick has injured my foot!”
            “This Xerox Corporation document has errors!”
            “This Band-Aid brand adhesive bandage is protecting my papercut!”
            “This Adobe Systems Photoshop picture is well done!”
            “This Otis Elevator Company mechanism is allowing us ascend to floor 5!”

            You’re dating a Seinfeld character!
            And I wish you both the best; everybody has quirks, and I think quirks can be endearing. :)

            1. JKP*

              Ironically, Seinfeld is his favorite show. And he would probably be proud to be referred to as a Seinfeld character.

            1. hey anony*

              “Hand me a tissue.”

              “Do you mean a Kleenex tissue? Or a Puffs tissue? I think we have may have some Generic Store Brand tissues in the closet. Do you have a preference?”

              1. Anonnington*

                I would be so tempted to buy a brand he’s never heard of and deny him tissues. Just get one of those tissue box covers that were popular in the 60’s. You can probably find one at a yard sale or Good Will.

    12. AVP*

      I think I’m actually *more* likely to do it in person than in writing or on the internet. If someone says something wildly offensive in person, it’s hard to ignore. When I get cc’ed on racist family text chains or emails, it often makes more sense to just remove myself from the thread and wait for a better time IRL to broach the topic (believe me, this is learned after decades of comments, I know I can do no good responding to a mass text chain with certain individuals…)

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I agree. While there are plenty of times to speak up about offensive language, you have to wonder if it’s worth your time and energy to “police” long-distance people online. Your chances of accomplishing anything are mighty slim. Still, I see hope for the future in that silence is no longer treated as the best or only option.

    13. Fikly*

      Are you the type of person who complains about things being PC, when really you’re just annoyed that it’s not as socially acceptable to say bigoted/raciest/horrible things?

    14. Blueberry*

      *looks at this question*
      *looks at the fluffy kitty above*

      I think I prefer that trap to this one.

    17. Mx*

      I police language IRL quite a bit when I feel the language used could be hurtful to others. For instance to an acquaintance referring to people born out of wedlock as bastards.
      By contrast, I do it little online. I tend to ignore rude and hurtful people online.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m more likely to give a longer explanation of WHY a word is hurtful when talking to a specific person.
        Especially when we have a friend in common. “So ok, you remember our friend $Name from college? She’s told me she cringes at the common use of the words gypsy because it’s pretty offensive to her family. She’s Roma, she doesn’t come from Egypt and she doesn’t ‘jip’ anyone.

    18. Thankful for AAM*

      As others said, I do it more IRL with people I know and less online with internet strangers unless it is an engaging conversation that is open and is a learning opportunity.

      My closest friend (not a poster here) just called me out on something I said, “that’s your privilege showing.” She also asks for my input on her thoughts and statements, “is my privilege showing when I do or say x?, how else can I handle this?”

      My coworkers and I do it with each other all the time and we ask each other to review something or to help figure out how to express something or if it should even be expressed.

      But we don’t tend to correct supervisors. I do ask them to explain using AAM type scripts to make sure I am not misunderstanding or to show I disagree.

    19. Analyst Editor*

      I think I don’t find many of the things others might consider offensive as offensive, but the subset I do find offensive I usually only address if it’s someone really close to me, so they have a reason to care about what I think, in contexts when the thing said seems to be specifically meant in a mean-spirited fashion intended to hurt or demean (vs. just joking), or is deeply un-funny to me, or I know is very offensive to someone who would be in the range of hearing it, even if I don’t think it’s so bad.

  17. Not A Manager*

    I finished my first set of face-masks this week, thanks to the help of people on this board and some other folks online. They came out great and I’ve given a few to members of my community.

    We just found out our stay-at-home order has been extended for more than a month. Between missing my family at Passover and now being stuck at home for even longer, I’m feeling a bit down. Not too keen on the direction our country is taking, either, unless that’s too political.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Passover kind of sucked for me this year, despite all of the efforts to make it better. So I hear you. This week has just been… not great. I remind you, and myself, that it’s ok to be bummed. I’ve grown weary of all of the qualifying, like, “We can’t be together but we’re on Zoom!” That works for some people, but not for everyone.

  18. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    I got a dog! (I posted about the difficulties I’d been having with this late in last weekend’s thread.) The other potential adopters for the rescue dog I wanted fell through because he was … exuberant in greeting their existing dogs and those dogs Were Not Having Any Of That Nonsense. Since I didn’t have any other dogs (and have a lot of experience in managing dog behavior), I got to take him home on Tuesday!

    He’s a big, goofy basset mix and I love him. Thinks dogs all want to be his friend, which is awkward as hell right now since I can’t let him get that close to other people even if they have dogs that want to play with all of his energy, and will probably only be slightly less awkward in a future time without social distancing because most dogs (and dog owners) have limited patience for large, enthusiastic dogs that want to play in the middle of a walk. We’re working on his manners now, and I hope that in a year or so I’ll have him in good behavioral shape to go to dog parks and run off his excess energy with some dogs who will appreciate him.

    However, I’m worried about how he’ll get along with cats. Whether he sees them as friends or toys/prey, I think he’s just going to be too rough of a dog to safely have kitty friends at this point in his life. I don’t have any cats (allergies), but I have 4-ish neighborhood cats that are used to hanging out in my fenced backyard, and I want to give them fair warning that there’s a dog back there now. So far, I’m only letting him outside on leash, but as I get more confident that he knows where home is I’ll gradually give him more and more freedom in the fenced yard. Aside from encouraging him to mark territory back there, and just generally walking him around in the yard and stinking up the place, is there anything else I should do to help let the cats know about the change in yard usage? My yard does have plenty of trees and other vertical options the cats already chain together to get in and out, so it’s likely that a cat chase will end with the cat getting out of the yard by a route the dog (hopefully) can’t mimic.

    1. Alston*

      congrats on your big goofy dog!

      Can we see a photo please? Seeing all the dogs on my walk but not being able to pet any is the WORST.

      1. Monty & Millie's Mom*

        yes! I have no advice about the cat thing, but would love a picture of a big goofy basset!!!! (or any dogs, to be honest……!)

      2. Ellie Mayhem*

        And my Leonberger who absolutely loves everyone shares your dismay. He his heartbroken during every walk because no one loves on him.

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          yeah, my dog does not understand why everyone got ‘busy!’ (my word for ‘don’t go over to them’) this last month, even her regulars. She misses them.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Mazel tov! And yeah, so many doggies are starving to meet people and buddies.

      For what it’s worth, and this may not be the case where you live, my encounters with owners of new-to-them doggies on my walks have been so wonderful. My bud is older and very chill (and somewhat aloof) so we’ve been able to keep our distance while saying hi and I am not put off by big energetic dogs (I don’t let them jump on me but I don’t yell at them). But I love seeing all of the new pups out and about, learning the ropes.

      As for the cats… my dog is afraid of them and pretty mean about it. When we moved to our previous house, there was a neighborhood cat who was used to hanging out on our porch. She learned pretty quickly not to do that anymore. I don’t think you can actually give cats a heads up, they’ll just adapt.

    3. Animal worker*

      Congrats – he sounds awesome. On the cats, just establish some sort of cue before you let him out to alert the cats that he’s on the way and they’ll figure it out. I used to do that when I pet sat for a friend with some really prey-driven German shepherds, I knocked loudly on the door before I opened it and the squirrels close by quickly learned to scatter at the sound.

    4. Dog Fosterer*

      Do you know of any dogs in the area that might be a good match for play? I have a neighbor whose dog loves to play with mine, and we have arranged for her to bring her dog over and let the two of them run around together while we stand a distance apart. You would want to do it leashed at first, maybe walk together a few times while they get used to each other, which is my technique when introducing any two dogs. Walking allows them to sniff and become familiar while also expending energy on walking, so they are getting to know each other without the threat of a fight. The backyard play may not currently be possible in your city, but consider it as an option. The recommendation that I have heard from dog trainers in the past couple years has been to avoid dog parks completely, as they are often full of dogs that are badly trained, and my experience often lines up with this. Weekdays had been okay, although I worked during that time, and I found that weekend afternoons were my best time yet also when the asshole dogs and owners came out of the woodwork. So I have instead chosen to play in our neighborhood, and have even exchanged contact info with my favourite dog owners, and invite them over to my yard.

      I love bassets, although they can be really big so thank you for committing to training some manners!

    5. EddieSherbert*

      Outdoor cats are smarter than people think – They tend to have a ‘territory’ of several blocks and I absolutely guarantee someone else in their range has a dog they’ve learned to avoid. I think having pup ‘stink’ up the yard with his scent should be plenty of warning. If you start every trip outside with a bunch of noise or pup on leash for 5 seconds, that should be plenty of notice for them that it’s time to move.

      If you were feeding or providing outdoor cat shelters for the cats, I would either remove those or put them somewhere outside of the fenced yard (side of house, front porch, whatever). If there’s no kind of ‘subtle’ options, I would just lose them (as if they’re really obvious, neighbors might start to complain). Again, there’s no way you are their only source of shelter or food, so they’ll be ok :)

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Re the cats – they will figure out that there is now a resident dog just fine, don’t worry about that. And you can’t help their response, though if they decide to stand their ground your new dog will lose that battle.

      Congrats on the new dog :)

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Doggie! Does he have a name that fits him or are you likely to try another? It’s not impossible–we had a family dog that answered to three names. My brother used her original name, I shortened it, and my grade-school niece called her a completely different thing. I miss having a dog…and I’m having a hard time remembering that when we’re not in isolation I have too long a commute for a critter to have enough company.

  19. KR*

    I’ve got those quarentine blues. Worrying about never getting to a pool or the beach this summer. Sad about missing hiking season. Sad about not getting to wear the pretty bathing suits I just got in the mail today. Worrying about my routines being further disrupted, and once the oppressive heat starts out here, being basically confined to my house except for a dog walk in the evenings. I’m so sad about the deaths, the impact on the economy and people’s lives. I know other people have it way worse. I’m just so distraught.

    1. Sir Freelancelot*

      Secret is: focus one hour at a time. Not even one day at a time. And I’m speaking to you from a country that has been in a quarantine state for 2 months now. Every day you find something to do. At worse, order a kit for a new hobby from Amazon. Clean everything. Volunteer to interact via Skype with people in need of some company. Do whatever you want to do and sometimes you don’t have time to. But even more important: keep in touch with family/friends/whoever makes you feel good. Establish a sort of virtual date with the rule to talk for 5 minutes about the virus, and the rest of the time have a coronavirus-free conversation. Watch a movie together sharing the screens. Stuff like that. I feel you and it’s ok to be sad and stressed! I just want to let you know that humans are amazing at adapting, even when they think they’re not. Keep going, you can do this!

    2. TimeCat*

      I was going to do a baby splash class with my son and got all the stuff. By the time this ends, none of it will fit. That swimsuit makes me a little sad.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        back yard? bath tub?

        I feel ya both, we love the pool / beach. I’ll probably introduce the kid to the joy of sprinklers this year.

        1. TimeCat*

          Apartment sadly. He loves bath time, but I can’t really see putting him in a swim suit for a bath.

          I am a big swimmer and not being able to swim myself (I would go to the community pool, which is closed) or take him to start learning has been tough.

    3. Mimmy*

      I feel you. I’m sad about not having Easter this year with my family. Plus, our annual summer gathering (usually in first week of July) is up in the air. We’ve been doing that in various locations since 2006. This year, it’s supposed to be in Cape Cod.

    4. lazy intellectual*

      I’m also sad about having summer ruined for me. I’m fine with lockdown when it is still cold, but summer is my favorite time of year. Rooftop bars, outdoor festivals, etc are probably all canceled this year. It seems like all of 2020 will be canceled due to COVID-19. I don’t even know if I will be able to travel during the holiday season to visit my family like I was originally planning.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Yep. One of the festivals I was really excited about going to this summer just got cancelled. The other is still going ahead AFAIK, but it’s not in my home country and I’m pretty sure my flight will be cancelled. (It’s not until July, but I’m not holding out much hope at this stage.) Right now I’m just hoping lockdown will be lifted here in time for my boyfriend and me to take our planned trip up North at the end of the summer.

      2. Arts Akimbo*

        I know the feeling. My boy’s birthday is coming up and ALL he wants is concert tickets… but we don’t even know what concerts will be happening vs. postponed or cancelled at this point! :(

    5. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I do not understand why beaches are closed. You can go to the park for a walk so why not the beach? I understand that you shouldn’t be there with other people (that you don’t live with) but as long as you are staying far away from others then it should be fine.

      (Beaches where I live at not crowded places)

      1. Tris Prior*

        Speaking for my own city: because people refused to social distance and insisted on congregating (even though the lakefront is a BIG PLACE and it is not that hard to stay 6′ away from others. Just another case of a few ruining it for everyone.

      2. Nita*

        The idea of anyone coming to the beach this summer gives me nightmares. Hundreds of people within arm’s reach of each other. Even if they spread out, who knows if it’s safe to get in the water. Considering that in the past I’ve seen people spitting in the water, losing band-aids in the water, etc., I doubt it. My husband loves loves loves the beach, so IDK if he’ll be able to stay away.

        Hiking, on the other hand… I really hope hiking will still be safe. We don’t have any way to go outside and be far away from others, unless it’s in a big park.

      3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        It’s often also that although the park/beach/lake is large, the car park may be small, or there may be narrow entrances which cause bottlenecks and/or require touch (eg gate to open). Where you can walk directly on to the sand/grass from just anywhere the risk is far lower.

        But yes, also Covidiots spoiling things for everyone else.

    6. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

      In the UK we are currently on lock down and able to leave the house only for: exercise (running, walking or cycling) once a day, essential journeys to buy essential items, and to go to work where it’s necessary and can’t be done from home. It’s come out in comments that exercise should be in your local area, not for example driving to a nature reserve 5 miles away for a walk.

      I take quite a long term view of things usually and even though rationally it seems that these restrictions could perhaps be lifted in 3 months or so… I can’t help thinking of 2020 as it will be the “lost” year… and from a personal perspective I’m a bit downhearted about that since (prior to coronavirus) we were sort of in the place that we are finally in a stable position, able to move forward in life and just kind of consolidate.

      As awful as the humanitarian aspect is (not enough capacity in hospitals, etc) my mind keeps going back over and over to the ‘markets’ of China where this is presumed to have started from and the conditions of their animals and so on. This is something I was vaguely aware of before but hadn’t really thought to dig into … now I am starting to obsess over it and have intrusive thoughts all the time… I recognize this as my anxiety playing up and am already managing it well enough with medication, but even so, it’s a struggle these last few days. I am alternately obsessively seeking out information and burying my head in the sand, not good.

  20. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    For the record, I mean all kinds of writing, be it fiction, non-fiction, a diary, a blog, a technical manual,… Everyone’s welcome here!
    As for my own, I’ve mostly been working on something that can’t be named in the free-for-all, but it’s coming along nicely! My Fanfiction is coming along well too.

    1. StarHunter*

      I have been wanting to start a travel blog. Have a bunch of stuff written up but actually getting the blog setup and things posted has not happened yet. And I am not working right now so I have the time (but maybe not the mental bandwidth). I am also still trying to figure out the best blogging platform to use. Would like to make a little bit of money off of it if I can.

      1. MissGirl*

        I follow some travel bloggers and most do it as a hobby because competition is so fierce and plentiful. They have to sink a lot of money before any (tiny) return. As you’re in prep stage, I would think about what you bring to the travel blog world that no one else does. What can you offer a reader that they’re not already getting somewhere else?

        If you’re not sure or don’t have something, start with a free platform like WordPress and have it be a hobby. Of course, all career travel bloggers are currently out of paying work.

        1. StarHunter*

          Yeah, this will mostly be a hobby. I have no illusions of grandeur about making money :-) We like to travel to cool places for hiking adventures so that’s what it mostly is about. I like to take pictures too and have tons of them for nice visuals. I figure since people can’t travel right now maybe they will want to at least read about it.

          1. MissGirl*

            Just to warn you, most people are bitter about what they can’t do so clicks and likes are really down. I do outdoor and hiking stuff on my Instagram and Twitter, and I’ve mostly stopped posting.

            Totally set something up; just be aware that you might not get traction for a long time. Do it if it brings you joy.

    2. Annie Oakley*

      I started a novel last fall and I’m struggling with the direction the plot wants to go. I keep trying to write it in a different direction but it’s just. not. working. Add to that, a good part of the story involves mass genocide by a engineered virus (which came into the plot long before corona)..and with the current worldwide situation (obviously not an engineered virus) just seems a little too real. I’m trying to just keep writing and see where it goes, but i might just end up scrapping it.

    3. Claire*

      I’ve been sick with COVID-19, so I haven’t been doing much (any) writing over the past couple weeks. However, I seem to be doing better today, so I hope to manage a brief session this weekend.

    4. Jedi Squirrel*

      Bunches, but I’m having trouble getting to a published state with stuff:

      Updated the quarantine resource post I mentioned last week.

      Published third edition of weekend reading links.

      Found some recording I made during the Great Recession when I was working crazy hours trying to save my house, and am currently working it into a podcast. (Very NSFW.)

      Worked on my blog post about watching the second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Should be published early next week.

      Worked on a couple of stories for the third issue of my zine, which has kind of been on hiatus since last October.

    5. Princesa Zelda*

      Everything has puttered out, mostly. I spent a couple hours outlining, and that’s it. My energy has been completely sapped out of me :/

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I started taking a screenplay course on Coursera, with an idea that started as a novel but I thought would be better as screenwriting practice. Frankly, I do not think a MOOC platform is the place for a writing class. We’re supposed to each get together with six people in writing groups, but there are so many in the class it’s impossible to connect with anyone. Plus, at least in the free version, there doesn’t seem to be any instructor feedback. I’m wondering how we’re supposed to help each other when we don’t know anything ourselves.

      On the bright side, trying to write a decent logline and a dramatic question forced me to finally finish the treatment I started last year. It’s a strange way to write. You literally can’t include anything an audience can’t see or hear.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh, forgot to add, referencing a discussion we had hear about writers not finishing a series, I declared on my blog my intention to finish my trilogy. Now I can’t NOT do it, lol. Not that anyone wants it, but it will be out there if they do.

      2. Most things may never happen*

        Have you watched any of those Masterclass videos on writing? There are several of them – the one I remember had Aaron Sorkin and some students writing an episode of The West Wing. I’ve mostly focused on the music ones – the one with Hans Zimmer is awesome – but they’re interesting and motivational. Good production values, too.

    7. Liane*

      More editing than writing currently. A new writer at the blog submitted something he’d clearly forgotten to read over, or just put through Spell Check–which never flags wrong homophones, typos that are real words (cat/cab), missing words, or that word that does not mean what you think it does. So *of course* it had most of those. He was gracious about fixing them and I do understand how hard it is to catch errors in your own writing. But it also makes me want to track down my favorite Language Arts teachers on social media and apologize to them, not for the first time.

      My blog writing is in a slump, alas. I don’t know if it’s one of my usual Writer’s Block Phases, or part of my pandemic-induced doldrums. Thankfully, this isn’t a big deal, as I have over a month’s worth of pieces submitted. If the block lasts a while, I will have to scramble though.

    8. Marillenbaum*

      I’ve dived back into some fanfiction I started ages ago. I don’t really share it anywhere–it’s just for my enjoyment–but I really enjoy getting to spend time in that world. It feels fun!

    9. Arts Akimbo*

      I finished the Story part of my Kickstarter and it got approved! This is huge writing for me, LOL! It probably sounds so lame to the people who write a lot, but it is often incredibly hard for me to put into words *why* I do the art that I do, just saying it in a manner that is meaningful to me but without devolving into pretentious-sounding word garbage.

      I’m going to coast on that good feeling while pretending not to feel bad about the book I’ve set aside for now.

  21. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    For the record, I don’t just mean video games, so feel free to share board game experiences too or apps teaching you how to play card games or whatever as well!
    I got almost all the endings in Steins;Gate, currently going for Kurisu’s ending and True ending after that. Why do I feel like Kurisu’s ending is going to break my heart even more than Mayuri’s?

    1. Katrianah (UK)*

      My Time at Portia – which is a lot like Stardew Valley except not pixel graphics (I still love Stardew! Its just MTaP caught me more). Crafting! Farming! Exploring! MORE CRAFTING!
      World of Warcraft – that xp buff tho
      And I re-discovered our box of boardgames so I’m going to get repeatedly beaten at backgammon by my husband later.

      1. Tau*

        Omg, I love My Time At Portia. It’s like someone went and took most of my favourite parts about Stardew Valley, distilled them and then got a bit creative. The crafting system! The questline! The adorable adorable non-pixel people! The crafting system!! (It bears repeating, OK). Like, I also still love Stardew, but I like the way MTaP has this sense of clear progression through the questline and the sense of accomplishment when you finish a big crafting project.

        Also, who doesn’t love beating Higgins to the commissions board every morning. :D

        1. Katrianah (UK)*

          YES. That’s EXACTLY it. I need an aim, and as much as I love Stardew’s relaxed nature, having a storyline the way MTaP does is so my jam!

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I’ve been eyeing My Time at Portia for a while now. It feels a bit like Rune Factory, which is a good thing. I really should pick it up sometime but I already have quite the backlog (I have already accepted the fact that I’ll die next to a stack of games I meant to play and a stack of books I meant to read).

      3. Hamlindigoblue*

        I started playing My Time at Portia this week, and it’s so much fun!

        My daughter wanted to bust out the old Xbox 360 and play some older games, but the power brick isn’t working. I ordered a new one last night, and it should be here by Monday. Monday is surprisingly fast because most things I’ve ordered lately are taking at least a week to ship.

      4. AVP*

        um, thank you for this! So much!

        I’m a Stardew obsessive but absolutely outplayed it in the quarantine already and really needed something new to download. Time between reading your post and buying Portia was approximately 45 seconds.

    2. Julia*

      Doing online raids with a friend or strangers on Pokémon Shield, playing Pokémon Mystery Dungeon (and got stuck lol), and I powered up the Sims for an hour the other day, but got frustrated because the house didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to.

    3. Ariaflame*

      Currently in a lot of Stone Age games at yucata.de and three asynchronous Ticket to Ride games via the app.

    4. Anonymath*

      Thankfully, my 6 year old just got into board games right before the pandemic started, so we’re doing games with dinner one night per week. Some old classics like Sorry and Uno, but also some new to us ones like Labyrinth and Up the River. I’ve also introduced him to the NES emulator and he enjoys playing Super Mario Bros as a treat between schoolwork.

      My husband and I were subscribed to an “escape room in a box” for Christmas, so we’ve been enjoying those and trying out some older two + person board games to see if they’re suitable to play with our son.

      Personally I’ve been playing WoW classic with my sister one night a week, and also just started playing Magic Kingdoms on my iPad/iPhone.

    5. Dr.KMnO4*

      A while back, maybe a year ago, I started playing “I Love Hue”. Last month I discovered that it has a sequel, “I Love Hue Too”. It’s amazing, though its difficulty curve is very different than the first one. I’d say that the first one just increases in difficulty as you progress. The second one is more of a difficulty roller coaster with plenty of hills and valleys. I love that the second one tells you, after you complete a board, the minimum number of moves to solve the board. And if you solve it using the minimum you get a little crown above the board.

      1. fposte*

        OMG. I first heard about I Love Hue here and fell in love with it, and check periodically to see if they’ve added new levels. I somehow missed that there’s a sequel! Thank you so much for the alert.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          You’re welcome! The sequel mixes things up with different shapes in the same board, and once you get far enough in, a quick mode called “Daily Devotion”. I love it even more than the original.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Husband and I are back into WoW – leveling up some characters that we haven’t played in a bit so that we can unlock the option to play fox-people characters. They’re cute. :) He plays mostly during the evenings, and I play a little bit after work but mostly on the weekends, so we haven’t been playing together, but that’s okay – I don’t actually much care for most of the MMO parts of the game, I just treat it like a solo adventure.

    7. Tau*

      I bought an adorable little ecosystem building game called Equilinox on Steam. I was going to play some Skyrim but then it crossed my Recommended list and idk, I felt the urge to go plant some polygon grass for bouncy polygon sheep to eat. I was a bit iffy because some of the Steam reviews complained that it was slow and fiddly, but I find it really nice and relaxing with the occasional cute puzzle when you have to create the right conditions for the next step in the evolution tree. I’m currently considering just ignoring the predator tree for a while in favour of filling all the oceans with fish, and have an isolated mountaintop where I’m breeding goats for extra speed and bounciness for no reason at all. It’s very soothing.

    8. Nicki Name*

      More FE3H! I made it to the timeskip and whoa! I’ve been thinking about how that must work if you picked one of the other houses… I’m getting definite VN vibes here.

      I probably have weeks left on this playthrough but I’m already planning my next one. Definitely going to pick Black Eagle and up my recruiting game sooner.

      Also, I made Lorenz my dancer because I’ve never played a FE game that allowed male dancers, and I think his dance is ridiculous but I regret nothing.

    9. Professor Plum*

      Just discovered Online Dominion this week. Played one evening with a friend—we often play together in person. Plan to play more this weekend.

    10. LDN Layabout*

      I took advantage of the Switch sale to buy a few more games. The ones I’ve actually played (alongside hours of AC:NH):

      Just Dance 2020: I’m pretty scared of leaving the house right now, it very much triggers my anxiety. Also, I am very out of shape. So playing a dance game every day for some movement is really nice.

      Voez: Since I stopped using my original DS *mumble* years ago, I hadn’t realised how much I missed rhythm games until I played the demo for this and I’m really glad I did.

      Katamari Damacy Reroll: Never played the original, very fun, very weird. The King of Cosmos is a bad father, js.

      1. Nessun*

        Oh Katamari games are TRIPPY! I may have to look that one up – once I get tired of AC:NH.

        1. LDN Layabout*

          I think it’s just a remaster of the original? But it’s so strange and fun. I am very bad at it.

    11. Nessun*

      Doing my best to use AC:NH and GW2 to distract myself from the horror of FFVII:Remake not being in my hot little hands yet (thanks Squeenix for couriering international orders the same day as national, so my US friends have theirs and I don’t) *cries*

    12. Liane*

      My Saturday night Discord RPG group is still ongoing. We are in the final arc of a Star Wars Force & Destiny campaign, with only 3 or 4 sessions left. While all 4 of us got Kewl Moments, my character ended the final combat of the evening by using the Force to hurl the big, fierce beast we were fighting through a bunch of even bigger trees. Way to go!
      While I can’t wait to see the climax of this long-running game, it’s of course bittersweet to say good-bye to a wonderful PC, her twin, and their friends. What’s next? A one-shot, probably Savage Worlds RIFTS for a couple sessions. Then, sometime in May, I will GM Star Wars Age of Rebellion using the campaign book Onslaught at Arda.
      ******
      In related news, please spare some sympathy for my husband, whose groups went from tabletop to online. There have been glitches since all the online venues–Discord, Roll20, Fantasy Grounds, etc.–have their quirks. Plus the Pathfinder group has a couple of what he calls “neo-Luddites” that he has been coaching/handholding. Due to the acoustics in our house and the fantastic pickup on my mic, my group overheard his side of one chat a week or 2 ago. Husband was very frustrated; we were somewhere on the Amused/Sympathetic scale.

    13. KristinaL*

      Does it count that I wrote a small “guess the number” game for younger family members? It gets a random number from 0 to 100, and then when you guess, it tells you if your guess is too high or too low.

  22. Kiwi with laser beams*

    Les Mills have given permission for some videos of their exercise classes to be shown on TV and the TVNZ app for free. I tried one of them out today and it went really well. I’m glad they’re doing that, I’d always meant to get into a proper exercise routine in April after the busy period at my WFH job ended, but then That Virus closed the gyms and pools, and going out for a walk really isn’t the same now that we can’t go far and have to keep a distance from other people.

    I couldn’t help laughing at some of the obviously pre-pandemic commentary, though. One of them made a joke about having a sore throat after the exertion of those particular exercises and for a moment I was like “that’s a bit tasteless…” before I realised that they’d shot it earlier. They also made a comment about “how great it is to travel to other countries”.

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      I have been doing my PE with Joe Wicks, and whilst it took a while to realise I will not be as flexible as an 8 year old, it does help structure the day.

      Oh, and bunny and kangaroo hops are always fun!

    2. MissBookworm*

      I do barre and pilates—the instructors have been doing these online for us so I’m at least keeping active that way. Just wish I could get my cardio in, but the weather hasn’t cooperated much for me to go walking or running.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        I’ve been having a lovely time doing Tabata intervals indoors. Even just one 4-minute session can give you a metabolism boost, and theres a whole album of songs to guide you through work/rest intervals out there. I do Jump rope, kettlebell swings, burpees, jump squats, mountain climbers, Russian twists, bear crawl shoulder taps, etc. For lower impact you can even do static holds like wall sits, holding the hardest part of a pushup, or reverse planks – you’d be amazed at how sweaty you get trying to stay still.

        I’m actually enjoying the opportunity to work on my cardio (which is absolutely terrible after a winter of strictly powerlifting).

        I do that off days from lifting with the adjustable dumbbell set I was lucky to have before all this started. I also like to pop on Yoga with Adrienne.

        1. MissBookworm*

          I miss having access to a rower. That was my main method of cardio at the gym, along with the treadmill. We do have a kettlebell lying around somewhere; I’ll have to dig around and see if I can find it.

          Yoga with Adriene is one of my faves as well—I don’t do any dedicated yoga practices anymore now that I’m doing pilates (since they’re a quite a bit similar), but I do have a few favorite videos that I still follow on occasion.

          1. Not A Girl Boss*

            Ugh I miss my rower too. I wish I could justify spending money on a water rower right now. It would be a dream come true…

    3. Bob*

      Thanks for the heads up. I’m tickled that TV2 has a Les Mills class scheduled for 3pm tomorrow, immediately followed by Goodnight Kiwi – Are the classes so hard that I’ll need a nap right after?!

      More generally I’m loving the variety of options for exercising at home these days. The ever-fabulous Wellington-based Shut Up & Dance are doing their classes online and I love that I get to ‘attend’ them from my living room here in Christchurch.

  23. Vic tower*

    Does anyone have suggestions for ways to connect with your tribe around pregnancy? I’m unlikely to be able to have a baby shower, but there are things from baby showers that could maybe be adapted – like getting people to write their advice about parenting down perhaps? I’ve got some time to think about it, but thought I’d see if anyone had ideas on AMA. What was the best pregnancy/New baby thing friends or family did for you – maybe it can be adapted!

    1. Rollergirl09*

      At my shower, they had birthday cards for every year of my son’s life from 1-18 and each person took a year and wrote him a card. While coordinating that online would be a pain, I have another similar idea. Set up an email address for your baby. Have your friends send an email to it with life advice or memories of you/you and spouse. You can read it now, but keep sending emails to it as your baby meets milestones or there is an important event. When he or she is older, maybe 13? Give them the password and let the read it.

    2. Fellow Traveler*

      Not sure how adaptable these are, but here are two ideas: My favorite baby shower activity was that the hostess had people write messages on diapers. It was pretty uplifting to be changing diapers at 3am and pull out a diaper with a cute message or smiley face drawn on it.
      We also had this idea to make and alphabet book where everyone picked a letter of the alphabet and made a page about that letter, scrapbook style. The idea was to gather all the pages and either scan them into a book or laminate and bind them into a book. We never did that one because my baby arrived eight weeks early, before we could have the shower, but I would have loved it.

      1. New Normal*

        That last one would be especially easy to do right now – possibly even slightly easier than in person! Have people do their job ages then send a scan or picture of it to one person and all the coordinator needs to do is upload those pictures to Shutterfly or such and there’s an amazing keepsake!

    3. Vanellope*

      I threw a virtual baby shower several years ago and one thing I did was buy pretty baby themed scrapbook paper, sent a sheet to each guest to decorate with well wishes/advice/etc and included self addressed envelopes to mail back to me. I then assembled the pages into a book to send to her. It was a lot of work on the front end but the finished project turned out great and she loved it! Not sure if that would work now but possibly an online vendor would have paper if the craft stores are closed.

  24. dramatic flair*

    Y’all. My kid does drama. Two hours after she goes to bed I find her standing in my room crying. Her head hurts, her stomach hurts. She has all the blankets and can’t get warm. I stay with her in her bed, her breathing is quick and shallow. After an hour her breathing is better, she’s feeling warm with all the blankets. She decides it was gas based on what she’s burping. Oh, and it’s her 16th birthday. Hopefully we can all get some sleep before she finds the 50 balloons in the living room.

    1. Rollergirl09*

      That sounds like maybe a panic attack. Has she had a lot of anxiety surrounding COVID19 and quarantine? I have two teens and they are beyond stressed about not being able to see friends and have the newly found freedoms they were becoming accustomed to.

      1. Misty*

        My first thought was panic attacks or anxiety too. I know a lot of people think anxiety can come across as drama since it doesn’t seem like on the outside that anything is wrong, and as a 16yo she “should know better.”

        When I was younger (lol actually even now) I’ve suffered from anxiety and I know people thought I was overreacting or being dramatic a lot. It would make sense for a person’s anxiety to come out during this time considering all the news and life changes that people have had to endure! Esp if she is missing seeing her school or friends.

        What really helped me back when I was a teen and even now was getting professional help. I saw a therapist, still do, and I was put on an as needed anxiety med. I know medications aren’t for everyone but for some it can be helpful for a (long or short) period of time.

        I would try to talk to her during the day (not at night when she comes crying to you) about what she is feeling and if she thinks she needs some more support during this time/in general.

        1. Kiwi with laser beams*

          All of this! Also, the fact that she felt able to tell you about it is a really good thing. I would have hidden it from my parents.

      2. Julia*

        Yeah. My parents called me a drama queen throughout my entire life (when in fact I had a) chronic pain and b) emotionally abusive parents…), and I still haven’t forgiven them for that.

        Please talk to your children before you call them dramatic, and really listen!

        1. Fikly*

          Thank you.

          Just because you see something resolve quickly, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist in the first place.

          My parents never believed me when I said anything was wrong, until a doctor confirmed it. And time after time, despite everything being confirmed by doctors, every time I said something was wrong, I was making it up, or I was just lazy or wanted attention.

      3. only acting normal*

        I thought anxiety attack too. Even the gas, since a lot of the symptoms can mess up your digestion.

    2. Kezi*

      Is she a social critter? I imagine spending her 16th bday in C19 Purgatory had to be tough. I hope she’s feeling better today.

    3. Generic Name*

      I know it feels dramatic to have an adult-sized person crying and hyperventilating, but think back to when you were 16. Remember how little things felt like The End of the World? Except now things feel like the end of the world for adults. Everyone is having trouble coping. So add that to the normal teenage stuff. I’m glad you laid with her until she calmed down. I think it’s just what she needed. Heck, my 13 year old son has been asking me to sit and watch shows with him, and he’s been letting me hold his hand. Kids are really having a tough time. I hope she has a nice birthday.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I had those sudden bursts of angst and crying from ages 7-18, and nothing could stop it. My parents didn’t know how to handle that, they yelled at me to “calm the fuck down”, sent me to several therapists… In the end it sorted it out by itself, now I only have random episodes nearby my period.

    5. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’ve been reading a few articles about how this quarantine is really hard on kids and teens. Stress does show up in different ways in different people.

      Plus, kids really do crave structure and this period has totally unstructured their lives. Even if they didn’t like school, it was still structure. And now it’s gone.

      I’m sorry she’s having a rough time.

    6. Saddesklunch*

      You might check to see if her school counselors or social workers are offering remote services during closures. I’m a school social worker and I’m still seeing kids and taking referrals for new ones. It can be a nice option that allows her to talk to a professional outside of her family without having to do the work of getting her set up with someone outside the school system.

      1. Vanellope*

        Thank you for doing that! My kids are in elementary school and their guidance team has a separate class on Google Classroom with different emotional learning topics/stress relief/etc and PM capability if they want to talk. It means a lot to them to still have access to trusted authority figures (who calm them down and tell it’s going to be alright)!!

  25. Chocolate Teapot*

    After last week’s post on my broken washing machine, I had a go at washing sheets and towels in the bath. After spending more time draining, changing the water for clean and rinsing, then came the problem of wringing out the water. It is amazing how heavy a waterlogged bath towel can be. It took twice as long for everything to dry as well.

    I went past the site of the laundrette. Not only were the shutters down, but there was a big For Sale sign above it.

    1. Katefish*

      Sending sympathy! I don’t have a washer/dryer, and the 2 closest laundromats closed due to COVID. The day the closures happened was my meltdown day. Currently washing at the third string. Good luck with everything!

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      Oh yeah, I washed a light synthetic blanket and it took forever to wring that sucker out. At least it dried quickly.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Those hand crank laundry pods that work like a salad spinner cost about $75 US, which is steep.

      But maybe you could work out contactless dropoff with a neighbor and share?

    5. NewReadingGlasses*

      Do you have room outside? I found that swinging wet items around in a bag at the end of a cord works great to getting water out.

    6. Dancing Otter*

      Stomp on them to squeeze the water out, preferably wrapped in another, dry, towel. You’ll be amazed how much more water comes out.
      Just don’t do it to underwire bras.

    7. Sam I Am*

      If you have a (5 gallon is great) bucket with a fitted lid, you can make it a mini spin washer. Must be able to lift it. Add water 1/2 way full (more full if you can lift that much water / are using a smaller bucket )a smidge of detergent and your clothes. If you spin it back and forth, the you get a decent wash cycle. Empty water and refill with clean water for a rinse cycle or two. Maybe this is too much for all your laundry but for underwear, socks etc it works great. If you have a racquetball handy you can toss that in there as an agitator.

      Doesn’t help with the wringing out, though.

    8. Liane*

      I’m not alone? My dryer’s not heating. My husband is hoping it’s something (like a fuse in heating system) that he can fix. I am hoping either there are local laundromats that are open for wash/dry/fold service only, even if DIY is closed.

  26. Crazy Broke Asian*

    One of the girls who bullied me in high school is getting married (after the pandemic ends) to her high school sweetheart, who also bullied me. I don’t use social media, and I promised myself I’d never look any of them up, but I still got the news anyway.

    It . . . hit me unexpectedly hard. I thought I was over it, but turns out I’m only over it as long as I can pretend they don’t exist. I try to put it out of my mind, but they keep popping out at random times. I’m so down that this week I stopped doing my exercise routine, it even messes up my sleep schedule.

    I know that real life is not like in the movies, where the bully victim ends up successful while the bully don’t, but it still hurts to know that life is going well for them. They’ve both got jobs in lucrative fields, obviously have a good , long-lasting relationship, etc. etc.

    Meanwhile I’m still my old, single, plain self, working an entry-level position with entry-level salary in a not lucrative, not my preferred field. I know it’s on me to clean up my act: maybe lose some weight, learn to dress better, take a personality class or whatever. But I’m just . . .

    At least with the pandemic going on, I don’t have to be afraid of running into them (or other people I’d rather pretend don’t exist) while running errands.

    1. Sir Freelancelot*

      Hey, cut yourself some slack. You’re human and it’s human to feel down about this. But you already know what the only solution is, and it’s in front of you: change what you’re not happy about. Don’t do that to show them a lesson, though. Improve your life because that is what is good for you. Let them go. Your bullies’ lives are not your business, because it’s a waste of energy you could employ better somewhere else. If you’re not on it, perhaps you could consider going to therapy to process your feelings and planning how you can improve your life? If you can’t afford it, there many resources for free, online or books.
      Also, take away from them the power you’re giving them over your life. Why are you afraid of running into them? If it’s because they’re still being mean with you, remember yourself you’re an adult, and as an adult, you have the strength to put them in their place. If you’re afraid to meet them because of confronting your lives hurts you, just ignore them and carry one with your life.
      I don’t want to sound harsh, but I was where you are now: my life seemed to go down, my bully’s seemed to rise up. Then someone told me the things I’m telling you now, and I realized that they were right.
      My improvement started that day, and once you start, you never stop.

    2. Julia*

      I remember my high school bully couple. Ugh, I’m so sorry.

      Looking at it differently, though, they now both have to live with someone awful (each other), and maybe that is what they deserve.

      1. tangerineRose*

        “they now both have to live with someone awful (each other)” I was thinking this, too.

        1. Kiwi with laser beams*

          And that also means that they won’t be inflicting their mean selves on partners who are good people!

    3. Linguist*

      I really hope this doesn’t come across as victim-blaming, because that is the last thing I want. But it sounds like your self-esteem isn’t the greatest (“Meanwhile I’m still my old, single, plain self, working an entry-level position with entry-level salary in a not lucrative, not my preferred field. I know it’s on me to clean up my act: maybe lose some weight, learn to dress better, take a personality class or whatever. But I’m just . . .”)

      Having low self-esteem is a really debilitating thing for a lot of people (way too many people, if you ask me)! I see it as one of the biggest problems in the world, because it’s such a starting point for a lot of negative things, like overcompensating by picking on “weaker” people.

      Which leads me to my next point: bullies who victimise others are the lowest of the low, but they’re doing it because it’s easy and because they can. And that is (just to be very clear) not your fault! The blame lies 100% with them, and making someone who may already be feeling low worse is truly despicable.

      But as you said, it’s up to you to “clean up your act”. Which starts with, Instagrammy quote on a dreamcatcher background incoming: loving yourself.

      We will probably never meet, but if we did, you might not be as open face-to-face as you are here, anonymously. That’s natural! But in my experience, people really enjoy openness and genuineness in others. What I’m trying to say is: you already have a personality. Own it. Be it. Hone it! Here’s another Instagrammy quote on a dreamcatcher background: be yourself. People dig “yourselves”. I once read people have an authenticity detector, and I believe that to be true.
      I also believe that confidence is one of the most attractive things and that you can fake it, in fact, that most people fake it, at least in the beginning, until they grow into whatever they faked it for and actually feel it.

      (This is like the flipside of “impostor syndrome”: more people than you can ever imagine are benignly blagging their way through life at the highest levels of apparent competence. This includes yours truly, who teaches and conducts oral exams, presenting an unruffled façade while feeling like she’s absolutely winging it.)

      I’m not trying to tell you to become a Frank Abagnale-type confidence trickster, but I think the clue is in the name: if you walk into a situation feeling confident, people will see that and believe you.

      Lastly, a personal note on the weight loss. It’s possible. Please don’t let people make you believe it isn’t. (I’ve lost a large suitcase’s worth of weight – and yes, saying I was able to do it which means you can too isn’t always useful, but what I’m trying to say is, find a way that works for you, research the basics, download an app, write a plan, love yourself, stick to the plan, make an exception, go back to the plan – depending on your, er, personality. It may not be easy to do, but the mechanics of it are… simple.)

      And as for the “dressing better”, I’d start with: what do you like wearing? What do you like to see other people wear? Clothes can work wonders for your confidence level. Be a fashion Frank Abagnale-type confidence trickster. ;)

      If none of the above applies to you at all, I hope someone will get something out of it, and I sincerely wish you all the best.

    4. valentine*

      You’re bullying yourself with that projecting comparison. I bet you’re fiercely protective of others. Can you focus that inward, instead of the litany of criticism?

      obviously have a good , long-lasting relationship
      There’s no way for you to know this. I hate when people give a number as though it’s meant to prove that a marriage is/was successful. People stay together for all kinds of odd reasons.

      I think a therapist is in order here, to help you detach and forge a path where you’re going to do what you do, regardless of what they do. You’re keeping the connection alive. Cut that cord.

      1. Generic Name*

        I agree with this entire comment. The bit about their relationship “obviously” being good and long-lasting really struck me. Nobody but the two people involved in the relationship knows if it’s any good or not, and they’re not even married yet, so how long-lasting is it really? I had a marriage that probably looked “good” to people on the periphery of my life. While it did last a long time, it certainly wasn’t good.

        I heartily second getting therapy. It’s really helped me. May I suggest that this really isn’t about them? I’m guessing it’s really about how you feel about yourself and where you are in life, but the good news is you are in complete control of yourself! Go out and create the life for yourself that you’ve always wanted! I have faith in you.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Grief isn’t just for funerals. Grief can also be for betrayals. They both betrayed you on the most basic level. Cry. And as you cry, tell yourself, “This is over now. It’s not happening any more.”

      Not a consolation right now, because it can take decades to play out- in years to come you might find out that you would never, ever, in a thousand years trade your life for theirs. I am not wishing awful on them, because I don’t have to. Most people encounter something in life that is extremely hard.

      Another angle to look at is one I have mentioned before. Sometimes when we get to a safe place stuff like this can rear it’s ugly head. This can happen because we are a safe distance away from the source. While you are saying your life is not where you want it to be, you have successfully been away from these people for a while. That can be a subtle relief on its own.

      Last. Don’t be a bully to yourself. Talk nicely to you. Yes, it matters. I know first hand how easy it is to list off what I don’t have or haven’t done. The truth is that each one of us has a set of circumstances unique to each of us. The truth is that there are people out there who have more than I have and they have done less with their lives. And the reverse is true also, there are people out there who have less than what I have and they have done MORE with their lives. Reality is that I am in that broad middle area somewhere. We can teach ourselves to be proud of our own selves for the parts we got RIGHT. Please think about the part of life that you got right.

    6. Grateful Healthcare worker*

      Life is not a movie which is awesome because it means there is no winner and no loser. Your success is not tied to theirs in anyway. You be a success at being you (I know it’s not that simple)

    7. Roy G Biv*

      “They’ve both got jobs in lucrative fields, obviously have a good , long-lasting relationship, etc. etc.”
      Or so the highlight reel of their social media would have you believe. They might also have a long-lasting, codependent relationship that is stuck in a real rut. But you’ll never see that, you’ll only see the facade they wish project.

      You, on the other hand — you rock! Be kind to yourself, allow this news to work it’s way out of your psyche, and then shake it off. Because, you know, YOU ROCK! And better days are ahead.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        In my experience, the people who brag the most on social media are the most miserable. One of the most toxic couples I know declare their love for each other on Facebook every 5 seconds.

        Also, the most senior people in my last job were very dishonest people. It made me reconsider what I considered to be professional success. Like, would I be proud of myself if I got promoted through the ranks by being shady?

        A silver lining of encountering people like this is it makes me really take a close look at my values. Like, I care about my career, but there are limitations to how I want to acquire what I consider to be professional success.

    8. lazy intellectual*

      Is there any way you can block them from your feed on social media?

      You are allowed to have feelings. You are human. But I highly recommend trying to prevent them from popping up on your feed to the extent that you can so that these negative emotions don’t get triggered as much.

      Also, try to un-internalize the idea of romantic success as a reward for being a good person. Usually, like attracts like, and I’ve seen some truly horrible people couple up to team up in their horribleness. (I’ve also seen them make each other miserable, so there’s that.)

      But their happiness doesn’t take away from yours. Continue to live by your own values, take care of yourself, and go after the life you want.

    9. lazy intellectual*

      Also, I don’t agree that you need to “clean up your act”.

      Nothing wrong with self-improvement, but you seem to assume that you haven’t found what you want because you don’t deserve it. Know this is not true. You deserve the things you want. You don’t have to change anything about yourself to get them. Getting the job or partner you want takes a lot of time and effort, but it’s not because you are flawed. It’s because finding these things is hard! It’s normal to struggle with these things.

      The only thing I would work on is self-compassion. Would you tell your friends/loved ones the same thing you are telling yourself?

    11. RagingADHD*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with that!

      If it’s any consolation, being single is waaaaaaaaay better than being married to a bully. So I’d say you have them beat, hands-down, in that department.

  27. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

    Hi all!
    Tuesday I had the lumpy bastard tumour removed via lumpectomy, along with 2 lymph nodes, which were cancer free and the lump was smaller than a pea! Chemo shrank it from very large marble size! Stitches will come out next Friday and the radiation plan will be discussed.

    While I stayed in the hospital I had 2 roommates with the same diagnosis and surgery. They were both over 60, I am just past 50. It was a positive and affirming experience and my surgeon, she was fantastic!

    Enjoying my quarantine more now that I am cancer free! And my balcony garden is growing, too. Happy weekend to all and big hugs to those who may need them in this trying time. Thank you again to all the folks here for all the support!

    1. Sir Freelancelot*

      These are fantastic news to hear! You’re a true warrior and I wish you all the best!

    3. MistOrMister*

      This is wonderful!! I cannot imagine the peace of mind you must be experiencing right now. I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on tv, but I assume the lymph nodes being clear must be some of the best news you could have. And the garden starting to grow is fabulous too! I have yet to plant mine, but we are having an unexpected cold snap so I’m glad I’ve been too lazy/distracted. Here’s hoping your radiation goes smoothly!!

      1. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

        Thanks, it is, and with all we are all going thru now, I will take it!

    5. tab*

      Yay! You won’t miss that stupid tumor at all. I found radiation to be a breeze. My oncologist let me bring in a CD, so I listened to Mozart while I imagined the radiation turning the nasty leftover cells into fireworks.

      1. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

        Your onco sounds cool. Thanks for the comment. I am hoping it is a breeze, too.

    7. fposte*

      It did not spark joy and you got rid of it. Good Kondoing! Hope recovery is smooth and peaceful.

      1. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

        Haha this is true it did not spark my joy! Yay for kondoing it out of my life!

      1. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

        You are welcome, and yes, please do self checks and get a mammogram once you are over 45-50 (?) I found this at age 50. Fingers crossed for your check!

    9. 'Tis Me*

      Hooray! That must be such a huge relief! Here’s to enjoying good health in 2020! *Internet toasts*

      1. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

        Thanks, and to your health and everyone’s, especially now. *Cheers*

      1. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

        Thank you, I am trying to! Out for gentle walks avoiding people, sleeping a lot, and drinking tons of fluids, soups, etc!

      1. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

        Thanks, Kuododi! See my comment to you below too. Sending you good vibes!

      1. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

        Thanks, and thanks for the extra points! The lumpy bastard was its nickname from October when I was diagnosed!

    17. NoLongerYoung*

      Great news! Have been following your story and so very, very pleased to hear this…. (internet hug)

  28. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    I’m finally doing what everyone else has done and am reading Wolf Hall, by Hillary Mantel. I’m halfway through the chapter Anna Regina and since I know how her pregnancy is going to end, I keep getting knots in my stomach every time they refer to the coming prince and son. I’m enjoying it but I’m also not if that makes sense. The writing is really engaging, though sometimes I get lost with her dialogue because of the format, but it’s one of these books I can’t put down but, when I do, I’m not in a hurry to pick it up. I think because it’s so detailed and really drags you in is part of the reason I need a breather before picking it up again. Definitely going to take a break before I start the sequel.

    1. Sir Freelancelot*

      “The secret diary of Marie Antoinette”. Historically accurate, great writing, engaging first person narrator!

    2. nep*

      Burmese Days. (Can’t recall whether mentioned last week that I was about to pick that up.)

    3. MistOrMister*

      I’m re-reading Till We Have Faces by CS Lewis. It’s been absolutely ages since the last time….can’t find it in the library anymore. But I recently found it on Prime and was just tickled pink. It’s a “re-telling” of the Greek myth of Cupid and Psyche. Set in a different country and told from the POV of the ugly half sister. So far it’s holding up as I remember and I’m enjoying it.

      1. BikeLover*

        I just ordered this from amazon (a used copy). I had been thinking a bout it a lot lately for some reason. I loved it when I was younger- read it multiple times in high school- but it’s been 20 years. I hope it holds up as well as I remember.

        1. MistOrMister*

          I kept trying to find a copy and it was just never available. So far I’m still happy with it. I think it’s one of those timeless books!

          1. 'Tis Me*

            I googled and found a PDF available online – what a sad, haunting story with that change…

    4. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      Started Best American Essays edited by Rebecca Solnit, and nearly finished Priory Of The Orange Tree which I am slogging through only because it was a gift from my daughter who enthusiastically asks if I’m enjoying her Christmas present! It’s been a long time since I read epic fantasy with so little idea why it wanted to use the trappings of genre.

    5. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

      The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. It’s a Dracula novel. Elegant writing style.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I enjoyed The Historian, though more for the creepy “things found in books” setup than the Big Reveal as to who was behind it all. Still, very atmospheric!

    6. StarHunter*

      Reading through all my Issac Asimov sci-fi books. I’m currently reading Foundation.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Re Wolf Hall and “enjoying it but I’m also not” – I do know what you mean; I’m feeling that way about The Mirror and The Light, with each new setback or threat to Cromwell ramping up the impending doom. [I do wonder how I’d react to the trilogy if I knew nothing at all about English history!]

      I’m reading the usual variety, including:

      The Lost Art of Walking by Geoff Nicholson, an intriguing combination of memoir, travel-narrative, and history-of-things, with nods to eccentric walkers of times past and of more recent eras, and the author’s own observations of such things as getting (temporarily) lost in the Australian desert or walking up and down the length of London’s Oxford Street multiple times in one day to see how the pedestrian population varied over time.

      The Summer We All Ran Away by Cassandra Parkin, which features two different timeframes and alternating viewpoints: back in the late ’70s, where a famous musician is trying to enjoy his half-refurbished mansion while juggling career, love life, and rumors/pressure from outside, and a contemporary timestream where a battered runaway finds himself harbored in the same mansion, now apparently abandoned but with some eccentric squatters forming a family of their own. Really intriguing characters so far.

    8. Jules the 3rd*

      Patricia McKillip’s _Riddle Master of Hed_ trilogy (1976 – 79). High fantasy, reluctant hero, but… different. She’s very lyrical, and her characters are spectacular.

      And also: the more I read, the more I’m like ‘oh, so that’s where George R R Martin got that from.’ No dragons, no sex, little violence, and Martin’s way more explicit about everything, but the themes of family, ‘the other’, destiny, economics, she’s got them in ways that are very different from Tolkien’s. You have to work to notice them, but the story and characters are so good that it’s fun even if you stop at the top layer.

      1. Hello Sweetie!*

        Patricia McKillip is one of my favorites and the Riddlemaster of Hed trilogy is fantastic. I might go reread it for the XX time!

      2. hi there*

        This is one of my favorites too! I especially love how fully developed Raederle is in her own right.

    9. AngelicGamer, the Visually Impaired Peep*

      I am very slowly reading Shadow of the Wind because it’s just not hooking me. It’s for my now virtual in person book group but we keep on pushing back the date. That’s just fine with me.

      In books I’ve devoured recently – Get a Life, Chloe Brown was excellent with a very nice with two main characters that were both fleshed out with their flaws. Hers was chronic pain and scars of people leaving her behind while his was emotional abuse and I just loved it. I’m not a fan of contemporary so I like it when I can find books that I do enjoy in the genre. I also devoured Winterwood, YA fantasy that has so many shades of Practical Magic in it, and an ending that makes you cry/be happy at the same time.

      I’m planning to start Merciful Crow later today / tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes.

    10. Tortally HareBrained*

      I’ve been reading Julia Brannan’s Jacobite Chronicles series this week. Re-read books 1-3 this week. Delighted to note on Goodreads that she’s added a book since my first read thru.

    11. Undine*

      Wolf Hall didn’t do it for me. At some point Cromwell started to feel like a total Mary Sue, way too modern. And somehow, for how dramatic the history was, the fiction ended up feeling curiously static, perhaps because I didn’t really care about the characters.

    12. Nessun*

      An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth by Chris Hadfield- his advice on understanding the negative in order to be prepared and enjoy the best outcome is very timely. Also about to look out my Summon The Keeper series to reread for the billionth time – comfort read ftw.

    13. Teacher Lady*

      Literally just finished Song of Achilles about an hour ago. I am also working on My Sister, The Serial Killer and All This Could Be Yours.

    14. Kiwi with laser beams*

      I got a bunch of the Ramona books out of the library before they closed all the libraries and I’ve finally started reading them. So much nostalgia.

    15. Marion Ravenwood*

      This Is Going To Hurt, by Adam Kay. He’s a comedian and TV writer now, but this is a diary (though I suspect possibly embellished in some parts) of his time working in the NHS as a junior doctor. Maybe not the best choice right now, but I’m actually really enjoying it – it’s funny and poignant in equal measures, and I can see why everyone I know who’s read it loved it.

      I’m also now about a third of the way through War and Peace with the Tolstoy Together project on A Public Space.

    16. Art3mis*

      Tricks for Free by Seanan McGuire – seventh book in the InCryptid series, it’s about a family of cryptozoologists, people who study and help cryptids which are creatures like Bigfoot, Chupacabra, etc.

    17. allathian*

      Moreta: Dragonlady of Pern by Anne McCaffrey. AMC is comfort literature for me, and this one is set during an influenza pandemic.

  29. This is stupid.*

    Does anyone remember a few weeks ago, the kid who went to on South Padre Island Texas for Spring Break and whose father refused to let him back in the family house when he returned? His Dad told him to get his car and leave, and made his friends pee in the bushes?

    Why can’t all parents be this hardcore?
    No, instead my husband and I are fretting about useless siblings needlessly going about in public and then showing up at Mum’s house.

    My Mother In Law has been fighting leukaemia for years. My husband’s brother, who knows this, has been ignoring stay at home orders and has continued to ride the bus all over town and do as he pleases. Fine whatever. He is a grown man, and is free to make his own choices regarding risk of illness and arrest.

    But we found out that he then has been coming by Mum’s house for no good reason. She, of course, has been letting him visit.

    We also found out kid brother, who still lives at home with her, has been in and out partying at friends’ houses. He is an adult too, but never lived away from home.

    Throw in another brother who flew into town on business, and just HAD to drop by.

    Mum knows they’re in a hot zone, and we’ve told her if they keep it up, this may be the end for her.

    We live out of state and there is nothing to be done I guess. But it’s been hard to accept that she’s likely to be infected and killed for no good reason. Doing our best to remind ourselves that if she never put her foot down before, she isn’t going to now.

    Damnit.

    1. nep*

      This is so tough. It’s awful feeling powerless in the face of something so reckless and potentially dangerous.
      I don’t understand some people–I really don’t.
      All the best. Hope your mom stays healthy.

      1. valentine*

        Their bodies, their rules. Let them live/die with their choices. If possible, take steps now to reduce the burden on yourself. A BIL who kills his own mom seems like he’d stick you with handling everything.

        1. nep*

          I’ve got a niece who plans to travel to a cottage (about six-hour drive away) with her husband and six-year-old. I struggle with ‘their bodies, their rules’ on the one hand, and someone’s got to be the adult in the room and save this six-year-old from irresponsible (generally flaky) parents on the other hand. Ugh.

          1. Jaid*

            The folks in the community she’s going to may give her hard time. I remember reading how one community knocked down a tree to keep people out…

            1. WellRed*

              That was here in Maine. We can be a bit…provincial in even the best of times. Where do they plan to have the six year old use the bathroom on that long drive? I also doubt they’ll be welcome wherever they are going.

          2. Jedi Squirrel*

            My state recently extended the Stay at Home order and made this kind of travel illegal.

            1. nep*

              Yes. Same. Fortunately they didn’t go, and the new restrictions (no travel from residence to a cottage or vacation rental) went into effect today. Can’t fathom why they’d even think about it. Head explodes.

          3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

            Is it a shelter in place or social distancing state? Do you have a number to call for guidance?

        2. WellRed*

          I agree with all this. Have the talk with her about making sure her affairs are in order. Remind her if she gets sick with C19 she will die alone. Make sure younger BIL knows you want be supporting him in any way.

          1. New Normal*

            That’s how my MIL had to deal with her mother. All the pleading and facts wouldn’t deter that 85yo woman from going everywhere she had before and seeing all her friends in person so finally MIL just moved to factually asking her mother where the will was, how she wanted her kids to divide the estate, etc.

        3. Epsilon Delta*

          In theory, yes, “their bodies, their rules.” But let’s not forget the other non-consenting bodies they’ll take down with them, like grocery workers and healthcare workers. Although I agree that there isn’t much you can do to make a grown-a** adult comply with public health guidance if they won’t do it willingly.

          My in-laws are also refusing to social distance, and they are also all high-risk. If we all make it through this, I am going to have a hard time not social distancing from them for the rest of my life.

          1. nep*

            +1
            Bloody hell I just don’t get this ‘refusing to distance.’ Virus is spreading like wildfire and people are dropping like flies. It’s not just the individual who’s affected–how tough is that for people to comprehend? Or they just ignore or don’t ‘believe’?
            I feel as if I’m playing Russian roulette each time I venture to the supermarket, with mask and keeping well over six feet away from people.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      My grandmother isn’t cautious, she says she’s ready to die. My mom isn’t cautious, because this is overblown and just a leftist conspiracy. My little sister went to SP. Island on spring break (right when it came out NOT TO) because it’s her first college spring break and she wants to experience it. Of course they are all interacting and visiting grandmother. I’m very far away, I’ve said my peace and just let it go… Until the worst happens and then I *might* lose it and go off on all of them.

      I just hear Samuel L. Jackson reading, People, just stay the f*ck home.

      1. blackcat*

        “My grandmother isn’t cautious, she says she’s ready to die.”

        This is my grandmother, too (in her mid-90s, a widow for 5 years, I get it). So far, she listens when we say “You may not care if you die, but other people in your retirement community do! And we won’t help kill them!”

        1. Not So NewReader*

          “Yeah, okay. But there are others around you who are not ‘ready to go’ yet.”

          I do understand the mindset. I have seen it in a few relatives now. And who am I to say they have to live, except for my own selfishness. I want them here. However, it’s a whole different horse when we start realizing that others can be infected also. We don’t get to decide life/death matters on behalf of others.

          1. Tau*

            Yeah, this is where I get stuck too. Even if you may be ready to die… if you get COVID, you could infect someone else. You could end up in hospital, contributing to the overload on the system, adding to the stress the medical professionals are under, potentially infecting one of *them*, or potentially taking a bed or a ventilator away from someone who *isn’t* ready to die. At that point, your personal opinion on the matter is no longer what weighs heaviest – you have a duty to your surroundings and community to do your level best not to get infected.

            1. Salymander*

              It isn’t like all those not ready to die folks will just crawl away into the wilderness to die alone if they start having symptoms. No, they will infect others before symptoms appear, infect others while seeking help for their illness, and add to the overload on the healthcare system. That “I’m ready to die” stuff typically translates to “I want to do whatever I want, and damn the consequences (to everyone else).” At least that is how it seems with the noncompliant folks in my sphere. MIL claims that it is safe for her friend group to get together for cards and drinks, because they are all clean people who shower regularly. And she thinks the prevention is worse than the disease.
              I just can’t even.

      2. RagingADHD*

        If grandma is “ready to die,” get her the paperwork for aan advance directive and a DNR so they don’t deprive someone else of a ventilator trying to save her.

    3. LGC*

      I’ll talk about running…and it’s going to be a jumble of ideas.

      First, I didn’t realize this…but 40 years ago tomorrow was when Terry Fox started his run across Canada. I’d had a bit of passing familiarity with his story, but I read an article on PodiumRunner about him that gave a pretty good overview. (I’ll link that in a subsequent comment.)

      Second…there was a model that was going around the Internet this week about how the six-foot rule needs to be extended when running or cycling with others to 15 feet or even more. (For cycling, it suggested up to 65 feet.) Intuitively (having been farted on in group runs because we’re all filthy animals), this feels true…but the proof is pretty speculative right now. It did help me feel a bit more smug about doing all my runs solo for the past month, though!

      Finally – if y’all want to bail out now because this talks about COVID-19, now’s your chance – I’ve personally been thinking about the races I’ve been looking forward to this fall, and I’m just not sure…even if things get under control and they do go off, is it responsible of me to do them? (Right now, I have Boston, Chicago, and New York lined up as marathons this year.) I know that the race directors will probably have everyone’s best interests in mind – the BAA and NYRR have already been fairly proactive in adjusting, so unless things get better really quickly I don’t think this is going to be a problem – and if God forbid I feel sick I won’t go. But for anyone else who has rescheduled races coming up, do you feel a bit selfish for still wanting to do them?

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          too late! Several epidemiologists are saying that article is overwrought and premature, but the races are a bad idea, you can’t get even the standard 6′, and this is not going to be over, like, really over, until we get a vaccine.

          *IF* we get an effective therapy for the worst cases, then we might be able to relax somewhat before the vaccine, but we should plan to avoid large group events (races, sports, concerts) until either there’s a vaccine or 70% of humanity’s had it.

      2. A bit of a saga*

        The study was done by Dutch and Belgian researchers (so where I live) and I’m mainly afraid it’ll influence our ability to do sports. I’m overall really conscientious, avoid contact, run alone, try to pick less busy times etc. but if they limit our ability to go out and run on the basis of that study it’ll be such a blow to me. In terms of cancelled races: If they’re on I’ll assume that’s because they are fine to run. But at the moment I really don’t see any end to this situation. The next race I’m running that hasn’t already been cancelled is the Copenhagen Half in mid-September. Denmark has already cancelled all bigger gatherings until end-August so hopefully that one will stand. In the meantime, I’m running a few virtual races. I did one last week where I beat both my 5 and 10 km PRs, I’m signed up to do an online German Easter race on Monday and I also just signed up to the Whistler Half-marathon – it’s unlikely I’ll ever actually make it to Whistler so I think it’s fun to join it as a virtual race. And it gives me something to focus on and train for. Does anybody know other physical-gone-online races I could join? I quite like the idea of ‘around the world in virtual races’

    4. Not So NewReader*

      One morning I got up and decided this is it. I am not going into people’s houses for the duration of this event. I got pooh-poohed for a short bit. Then people started thinking it through and realizing, yeah we need to do this.

      But to each person I have said, “If I go into your house and you get sick, let’s say just a common cold, your family will STILL blame ME because I was in your house. Worse yet, I will go through the rest of my days blaming myself if you have difficulties. I don’t even want to start down this road.”

      I do think that with this virus we are seeing the stark differences in each other regarding How to Approach Life. The risky behaviors that we could ignore before cannot be ignored now. Probably if you think back there have been other times when these people played a little fast and loose at life. For Reasons, you were able to ignore it or work around it. Now the rubber is meeting the road.

      I think the core issue is you still love your MIL in spite of her self-defeating habits. This gets mind-bending. We can still keep loving people even though they make very poor choices. I like to think of that song, “And in the end only kindness matters.”
      Sometimes situations just boil down to being kind. To be clear, I am talking about being kind to your MIL. The others, I won’t even mention. Your MIL is the key person here. Sometimes we have to let our love override our immediate concerns.

      My friend had called hospice in for her husband before Covid went rampant. She says that what she is doing is treating every conversation like it is the last conversation. This is challenging because his difficulties provoke him to say and do things he would not do under normal conditions. For her life has boiled down to just remaining kind to him, no matter what happens. She has decided her role is to be the soft place for him to land. And she is doing that role to her fullest ability every day. Sometimes this is what love looks like. Yeah. It’s very hard, probably one the hardest things we will face in life.

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        This is one of the two reasons our moving process is on hold.
        1: We don’t have it, and haven’t (to our knowledge) and one of my triad has damaged lungs. She’s getting over her spring attack of bronchitis now. I don’t want her to get a garden-variety cold, let alone COVID.
        2: When you show your house, you have to leave. Where the heck can we go for an hour or two, with everything shut down, and none of the three of us good to walk around a park or the neighborhood all that time?
        So we’re waiting until we have somewhere to go. Then we’ll start showing the house.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      This makes me really mad. For the past 28 days I have been staying at home and not going anywhere except the grocery store once a week and it burns me to read about people visiting other people while I am trying to do the right thing by staying in my own home but bored to tears. What an outstanding idea, though, that whenever you hear about someone allowing others to visit or doing the visiting themselves to ask them about their will and how they want their assets divided. Genius! And maybe it might even make them think twice.

      1. Venus*

        I think we should also provide them with the paperwork for DNR (Do not resuscitate) as they are free to do what they wish, but they shouldn’t be an unnecessary burden on the health-care system. Maybe that will also push them into being more thoughtful of others.

      2. This is stupid.*

        Yeah I personally got fed up during a conversation with Mum IL.

        Since she’s not willing to put her foot down and tell Younger Brother to stay home, Older Brother to stop coming over, and Out of Town Brother to stay at the hotel his business reserved for him, I asked her, “You ready to Die?
        Because that’s what’s going to happen!”

        She just laughed. Sounded as if she’d have liked to slap me, but she laughed nonetheless.

        I am upset to think of the efforts of her oncologists and cancer support team have made to preserve her life. These people have made it their personal mission to ensure she has lived long enough to see Grandchildren, but now that she has to avoid seeing them in person, none of it seems to matter.

        For what it is worth, Mum is not an evil lady. She is someone who would give last meal to someone in need. All are welcomed in her home (currently the problem obviously.) She is not running about willy-nilly herself, and would never deliberately hurt anyone.

        Sadly, she has likely been depressed since my Father – in – Law died. She will never admit it, nor seek help of course.

        Obviously it’s been suggested my husband and sensible Sister – in – Law speak sense to the Terrible Trio, and we all have. At this point those Brothers just avoid the calls. When they did answer, our pleas were met with:

        “I’m not going to kill Mum! I love Mum! I just don’t want to have to stay home with her all day!”

        “I’m a clean person and I take precautions!” (From the man who dabs a bit hand sanitizer after snaking a toilet.)

        “Why are you making Mum worry for no reason? If travel were that dangerous, do you think I would have flown here?” (Said the man who changed his return date avoid quarantine.)

        For his own sake, my husband has been excusing himself from the phone whenever Mum brings up the topic of these Brothers. I refuse to blame him.

        My sincerest sympathies for everyone else dealing with similar Bull, I know we are not the only ones.

        Come what may, I am praying for us all.

    6. Abby Gail*

      I posted about this below, but I am in the same boat as you. My parents had my sisters, brother and their spouses and kids over for Passover Seder. We live in New York. I am no/low contact with my family since I ‘left the faith’ but I found about the gathering during one of the occasional calls I get about coming back. Not only that, but my sisters and brother have also been visiting our grandparents and my parents have had visits from their siblings and our grandparents. They aren’t taking this situation seriously at all and it is business as usual for them. I live alone and I haven’t left my place in 3 weeks and besides one grocery delivery. My mother claims my father is the one making the choice and she is just going along with it but in my mind that is a cop out. They are all adults but my siblings and cousins all have children who have no say in this. It makes me so mad. I haven’t even opened my door. I am just waiting to hear that there’s been an outbreak of COVID-19 in my family the way they are going.

      1. This is stupid.*

        I am so sorry Abby Gail.
        It sucks to feel this powerless.

        Best wishes to you, I hope you ride out this nonsense safely.

  30. Katrianah (UK)*

    Anyone else’s nails just… shredded at this point? I was a chronic nail biter as a child, so I was proud that I managed to start growing them out and taking care of them – they’re thin and weak due to medical issues, so I gel polish them for extra strength – and now they’re just… wrecked. Not just from handwashing/sanitising, but also my picking habits are coming back as a stress reaction.

    Its such a small, vain thing in the scheme of things but its really bothering me.

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I have terribly fragile nails that shatter. I learned how to gel them myself. Everything is available on Amazon and is the equivalent of 2-3 mani at the salon. Maybe just try painting them with regular polish as a reminder not to pick/bite.

      1. Katrianah (UK)*

        Oh I have gel polish! I did them this morning, its what inspired the post, I was just gutted at the state of them. They are currently Wedding Pearl.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Nails need to breathe.
      You can look at nutrition and food if you feel inclined. Nails like calcium and vitamin D in some instances. Personally, I think extra vitamin D is also helping me with stress.
      Since I seem to have the extra time (sigh) I have been making sure I eat a decent size salad everyday. I have been doing this for two weeks and I think (?) my nails look a little better?
      Nails and hair can telegraph when a body is not getting the right about of nourishment. Homemade soups are a good way to capture some nutrients and the soup can actually be enjoyable, too.

      1. Katrianah (UK)*

        Yeah, being stuck indoors has tanked my vit-d again (apartment living so no garden or open spaces), and I’m trying to keep us on track food wise but we’re both disabled, so its haaaaard.

        Oof I’m whiny today, sorry.

        1. New Normal*

          If there’s ever a time to be whiny, this is it! I’m bad about getting outdoors so my vitamin d comes in pill form. And my diet’s only improved because, well, it couldn’t get much worse! Just saying so you don’t have this impression that I’m taking long, sunny walks along deserted cliffs and coming home to a plate of locally-sourced vegetables beautifully prepared or such.

          On YouTube, Simply Nailogical has a good guide to growing nails and something about her whole approach to life works for me so see if she clicks with you. And see if you can make your nails fun. And if you can’t … no worries! They’re just nails and if anyone gets judgy then that’s their problem!

        2. New Normal*

          Also, it’s totally ok and normal to spool about one “silly” (aka not life-and-death) thing right now. I’m spooling because I just found out our girl cat is actually a boy. It doesn’t actually matter but right now it’s rather helpful to have something small and immediate to focus on.

    3. TimeCat*

      I have found wverybstress reaction I have is coming out. I’ve had the worst acne breakout since this started.

      Gel is terrible for nails though. Try a thin clear hardener coating. I had some trouble with my toenails breaking after I had been sick in college and it really helped.

      1. Katrianah (UK)*

        Huh, weirdly I found gel helped them get longer where strengthner and regular polish didn’t. But I’ll definitely give the strengthener another go when I need to redo. Thank you.

        1. TimeCat*

          Yeah I just googled it and a dermatologist group specifically notes gel manicures can cause brittle or thin nails. They aren’t sure if it’s the polish or the extra steps you need to remove them.

    4. New Normal*

      Weirdly my nails are the best they’ve been in years which I did not expect since I’m a picker as well. I don’t know if this helps you but for me the reasons seemed to be:
      1. better diet/actually taking my vitamins
      2. Finding a nail art YouTube channel I liked
      3. Make painting my nails and trying new techniques to various degrees of failure my new nervous habit.

      For the last one you just need a dedicated nail area, a handful of fun colors, base and topcoats, a glass nail file, and good remover and cotton balls/toilet paper.

      Normally I have to have conservative nails for work but I’m furloughed so time for the fun colors! And who cares if my attempt at gradient nails looks like a toddler did it? It’s not like anyone but me (and DH, and the cat and I’m not sure which cares less) will know!

      1. Katrianah (UK)*

        Yeah, I did hit a slump where I wasn’t maintaining them, so that probably didn’t help. Enjoy your nail creativity!

        1. A New Normal*

          Thank you, it’s a small silver lining of being furloughed and I’m trying to enjoy the heck out of it.

          My feeling is as long as dressing up your nails makes you happy, go for it! Fortunately they do grow pretty fast – mine aren’t speed demons by any measure but they went from nubs to long enough for me to shape a bit in these last four weeks.

          And if you don’t find keeping your nails up is fun then no worries! It’s not like any of us are looking too professional right now!

      2. Avasarala*

        Glass nail files are a game changer. I hate the sound and feeling of regular nail files, but the glass ones are perfect.

    5. retirement is all it's cracked up to be*

      Okay, this is purely anecdotal, but I started taking glucosamine for my arthritis. It helps with that, but I started noticing that I have to clip my nails twice as often as before. And they’re shinier and healthier. It’s like two benefits from one pill.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        A lot of things that are good for joints are also good for hair and nails – they’re all different types of connective tissue, if I recall correctly from many moons ago anatomy class :)

    6. Maria*

      I’m also a nail biter (for me it gets bad when my anxiety flairs up). My sister-in-law is a nail tech and she recommended a cream called “Gena Healthy Hoof”. It has made my nails so much stronger and healthier. I get it on Amazon for £13-£19 (plus shipping) and one tub lasts forever.

      I’m sorry it is bothering you and I hope you are doing well and keeping safe.

    7. Not A Girl Boss*

      I started the long, long journey to fix my health years ago, and finally found the diet combination that worked for me 2 years ago. About a year ago I noticed my nails weren’t shattering anymore. Now, I constantly have to cut them because they grow so fast. I can’t help the goofy smile that comes across my face every time I catch myself thinking “omg they already need to be cut again??”
      It’s such a small thing but it feels like such a win for my vanity and my health.

      The one piece of advise I can give is to give Cronometer a try for food tracking. It tracks micronutrient (vitamin/mineral) intake as well as macros, and I was genuinely surprised by some of the things I was chronically low in. That alone didn’t fix all my health issues, but it was a piece of the puzzle.

      1. WS*

        +1, I have recently been diagnosed with Crohn’s and that explained why all my mineral levels (iron, zinc, magnesium) were so low as to fall into the “error” range. My nails are not great yet, but they’re no longer splitting and shredding.

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          Oh man, the worst. My mom went through the same vitamin deficiencies due to gut issues. She had some good luck getting IVs of vitamins until her gut was healed enough to absorb them again.

    8. Dancing Otter*

      You have to be ruthless about trimming off the damage immediately, before the splitting or peeling goes further. Plus, at least for me, it’s just an invitation to pick at the damage and make everything worse.
      The other thing I can recommend is OPI Nail Envy. It’s the only product that has ever actually helped my nails. I got it on Amazon most recently, but they carry it at Ulta and Target.
      My mother swore by white (denatured) iodine for nail-biting. The denatured kind doesn’t stain, but it tastes just as bad as you think it will and then some. Doesn’t stop picking, though.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      My nails are ok, but man, my hands are like sandpaper from all the sanitizing and extra cleaning.

      1. allathian*

        Mine are the same. The only thing that seems to help is moisturizing every time I wash my hands, in addition to using a moisturizing hand soap. O’Keeffe’s Working Hands seems to do the job, and it’s not only unscented, but pretty scentless.

  31. IrishEm*

    If you managed to win the lottery of your choice (and coronavirus was not a Thing to account for), what a) amount would you like to win and b) would you do with the winnings?

    For me, I’d like to win about €5mil and move to Italy or Switzerland and just live my best life in a climate that doesn’t physically hurt me.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      I’d like £400,000 so I could sell the house I’m in now, move to The House I Really Want and do it up (it’s on the market right now but I can’t afford it and it basically needs everything doing to it), give up work and self-publish, while still studying, and set up my own therapy practice :)

    2. Sir Freelancelot*

      5 millions dollars. I would give 1 each to my parents and siblings, and keep one for me. I would still continue to work because I love my job, but I wouldn’t fear for the economic part of the future anymore. I would buy a house comfortable enough for 2-3 people, and every once in a while splurge on a holiday somewhere. But I think the real luxury I would afford would be to hire a helper to clean the house!!!

    3. nep*

      US$5 million would be great, but I’d take 10 too. Put aside a bunch for nieces and nephews and grandniece. Get all my much-needed dental work done. Buy a house. (That would be the most important thing on the list.) Buy a car. Give to organisations / causes I care about.

    4. Kate Daniels*

      $10 million USD. I’d pay off my student loans and buy a condo in my city here in the United States and one overseas in Europe (London, Paris, or Germany). I’d give a million each to my parents and brother. And then with the rest, I’d give the money as a surprise gift to my friends and co-workers and workers in my apartment building and others who are in need. (My grad school friends and I actually made a pact that if any of us were to win the jackpot, we’d pay off each other’s loans!)

      I don’t know why billionaires and wealthy celebrities don’t do this more often because it feels so good when you’re able to surprise someone out of the blue. I love how Taylor Swift has been sending $3K to many of her fans these last couple weeks who are struggling right now. How amazing would that be to be able to spot and help so many people like that?

    5. Julia*

      As much as I need to buy a house big enough for all my friends to live in if they ever need a place to go, a pool (swimming is the only exercise I don’t hate, but public pools have not been kind to me), and a big meadow for the tortoises I will finally get to have, plus enough money to have financial security if I ever end up unemployed or want to quit a job I hate, and so that my husband can get his PhD without working on the side, and for me to take singing and dancing lessons and try to make it on Broadway for one year.

    6. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Don’t know the specific amount but I’d like to pay off my house and student loans, maybe buy a car (the most green and economical one possible) and get the interior of my house totally renovated. I’d like to hire permanent home help for my grandma and get all of the issues with her house fixed. Pay for education for all my nephews and cousins, especially specialists for my cousin’s kid who is definitely not getting what he needs. Fund serious work on reducing homelessness and unemployment for people who would rather be working. Fund research into floo powder so I can go visit my parents without the tiresome sitting on a plane.

    7. Foreign Octopus*

      I think I would like enough money that I don’t have to worry about it again i.e. enough to buy a moderate sized house in the countryside with a bit of land, a functioning car, enough for bills and the occasional treat, but not so much money that it’ll change me and make me forget my roots. For me though, it would have to be a house that I spend the money on. Something that I can call my own and not worry about a roof over my head, somewhere my parents can come and live with me as well if they need it when they’re older. Also, I’d give some money to my older brother to help finance his dreams and the same amount to my younger as well to help him out.

    8. The Witch of the Wilds*

      Around 5M USD would be fab. I could become a career student at a decent university, get a nice apartment, adopt several more cats, throw money at some health problems, and maybe even travel a bit.

    9. ECHM*

      Our small community had a Powerball winner who got $340 million or something. (She then moved away.) One night I stayed awake thinking about what we would do if we had won it. My husband and I wouldn’t need much of it, enough to pay off our mortgage/make a few trips/have some nice dinners with friends/tuck some in savings, but I thought of how much we could do in our community … repairing an eyesore building in the park, fixing roads, helping schools, feeding the hungry, etc. … plus we could bless our friends and family with some generous gifts.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I’d get my own setting squared away first. Since I want to continue living here, this would be a fairly modest amount of money.
      I have always wanted a “kitty” of money to respond to stories I see in the news. If I saw someone lost their house in a fire, I could just write out a check and send it to them. Or if someone lost a child, I could just call the funeral home and pay the bill. It’d be pretty random the way I would handle it.

      I think I’d have a good running start on this because I like where I live and I have no desire to leave here. This gives me a foundation to build on. It’s uplifting to think about stuff like this.

    11. Sibling-less?*

      I would like $500k.

      What I’d do: finally be able to afford and have 3 kids (being an only child with a stillborn brother was very lonely). Also, we’d afford the best of the best healthcare just in case (chronic conditions run in the fam). And travel 3x/year out of the country or to beaches, and afford all of the best schools and daycares (language immersion, excellent on-staff nurse). And perhaps a cat friend for our cat too….

    12. Perpal*

      It’s fun to think of having stupid amounts of money, what I’d do probably comes down to 1) splurge on some nice but totally not vital house rennovations (add a greenhouse/solarium, lots of landscaping, finish off part of the basement) then 2) spend the rest on my own and institutional cancer research (I’d keep working for sure)

    13. Jules the 3rd*

      $1M: I pay off all my debt including mortgage and take a lower paying job in the public sector.
      $2M – $5M: Above plus start giving some away to fam, friends, UNCF, Habitat for Humanity, and Doctors without Borders.
      >$5M: Pay Gates Foundation $$ to work for them and learn what they do, then create my own foundation. Or just retire, it wouldn’t be terribly early.

      I definitely had a dream about that $1B payout a few years ago, and using it to create a manufacturing co-op in a rural area in my state. Some form of specialty clothes or costuming, hire anyone who comes in the door and train them.

    14. Jaid*

      100Million sounds good, ‘cos I have to take into account taxes and that I’ll be splitting it with my bestie. I want a three bedroom condo with a terrace in the city and to get a similar condo for my parents. I’ll make sure that any debts my brother and his wife have are paid off. I’m not close at all to my aunt and cousins, but I’d settle money on them.
      Traveling would be nice.

    15. Nicki Name*

      I wouldn’t know what to do with more than about $10 million other than donate it to the Gates Foundation.

      Things I would do with up to $10 million: stash a million or so for late in life, pay off the mortgage, fix up the house, travel a bunch once we have a C19 vaccine, spend a couple years writing books and getting a music degree, then go back to my original career if the book-writing looks like it’s going nowhere.

      1. Nicki Name*

        (Figuring that taxes will take about half of it, so probably not enough to flat-out retire on at my age.)

    16. Chaordic One*

      I think I’d like to have a house with a fenced yard so I could have a dog. I could have a dog now, but I’m a bit lazy and all the having to take one in and out would get to me. I’d like to just open the door and let the dog run outside to do their business and play without having to be there. I’d also like to buy a piano.

    17. Buni*

      There was (may still be, I don’t play) a lottery deal here that was ‘£40k a Year for Life’ ($50k). That’s the one I’d want – not one huge lump sum, but a guaranteed steady income.

      You could still get property – if you did need a mortgage that’s fine, you’d be able to pay it – could have reasonable holidays (or move abroad), a reasonable standard of life, and even if you were the type of person to go mad you’d never be able to blow it all in one go, which is what a lot of lottery winners seem to do.

      1. JobHunter*

        There is a Lucky for Life in the US that pays $1000 a day for life. Aside from the normal mortgage/student loans/etc., I would donate to underfunded nonprofits. There are a number of shelters that could use the help. My pets and I are fortunate enough to have a home and adequate food, everyone else should, too.

    18. Alex*

      I’d want The Big One. As much as possible. I want an unfathomable amount, and I would spend the rest of my life working hard to give it away. I realize that would be a hard and busy life, but I’m up for it.

      My top priority would be assisting refugees.

    19. purple otter*

      This is a kinda fun thought experiment! I’ve thought about it every now and then, when there’s a massive lottery jackpot amount and it shows up on the news (like that record powerball jackpot a few years ago).

      If I won $5mil USD, I could pay off my house, my car, and student loans and then live comfortably on my day job income. Maybe spend up to $50k on a nice family vacation (think business class plane seats, luxury hotel, etc) to treat my parents, that sort of thing. Put the majority of whatever is leftover in investments/retirement. Donate amounts to local nonprofits. (I mean, I currently donate on average $25-$100/nonprofit that I’m interested in, but they’re always asking for thousands of dollars… Would be nice to be able to afford to that.) Maybe help pay off some of my sister’s medical school loans. Maybe go part-time on my day job and live off investment income?

      I think $1mil USD would be enough to pay off my house, my car, my student loans, and then maybe a month’s vacation to Australia & New Zealand once. Then I would just live off my regular day job income, which isn’t six figures, but good enough to live comfortably on.

      If I had $10mil or more, once I finished paying off my house, car, and student loans, I’d think about investing a good chunk of it to get interest income to live off of and go traveling around the world. Contemplate buying another house and being able to pay it off all at once, and rent out my current townhouse.

    20. T. Boone Pickens*

      Minimum of $100mm USD. That’s enough for multi-generational wealth, being able to give generously to charities and purchase anything I could fathom. I’d want ‘eff you’ money.

    21. Dog Fosterer*

      I would have rescuers trap every outdoor cat they could find, and pay to get them spay/neutered. Technically I shouldn’t do this if an animal is owned, but I’m also not likely to win the lottery so this is all a dream.

    22. C Average*

      I would keep my current house, partner, etc.

      I would pay off my sister’s and my best friend’s student loans.

      I would put a sensible amount in savings for retirement and future fun.

      I would cash out the rest in $100 bills and I would stick them in pockets and purses at thrift stores for people to find. I’d be a kind of reverse pickpocket.

    23. Most things may never happen*

      It’s a fun fantasy. Sadly, I’ve read that a significant number – like 70% – of people who win (or are awarded) a large cash windfall lose it all within a year or two. It’s also reportedly tough on a marriage: “like a bomb” was how one marriage counselor described it.

      There’s a book titled The Millionaire Next Door which (of course :) I read when I made my first million, and in my experience, it gets a lot of stuff right. Contrary to popular opinion, wealthy people don’t make like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack and throw money around like confetti.

      If my net worth was $50M or $100M, maybe it would be different. But I haven’t changed my standard of living at all: I just bought a new car to replace my 20yo BMW: It’s a Honda Accord Hybrid. I *could* have bought an Aston Martin – but why?

      Having several million dollars stashed away provides a certain amount of security and freedom. Oh, and – very important – lack of stress. For instance, my wife still has a job because she gets a lot of personal fulfillment from it. But if the job ever became a major, unhealthy source of stress for her – she’s outta there.

    24. ShortT*

      I’d buy a home in the Greek village where my dad was born, an apartment in Jerusalem, and a three-bedroom condo here in Boston.

    25. Black Horse Dancing*

      I’d love any amount over 1 million but really would love one of the huge jackpots. Like 750 million or so. Half to taxes, the rest for travel, taking care of friend and family, and helping animal rescues and wildlife charities like Bat Conservation, The Wildcat Sanctuary, wolf sanctuaries, and so much more.

    26. Wishing You Well*

      Y’know, whatever amount I actually win/get is one fourth of the jackpot. Choosing the cash option (and I would because I don’t want a 30-year payout) cuts the amount in half. Taxes then take about half of THAT. YMMV. So to pocket $1M, I need to win $4M.
      A lot of it would go to charity. I would give a lot to domestic violence shelters because they’re so underfunded. What I would do for myself is buy experiences. I’d like to spend a weekend in a huge beautiful mansion and I’d like a day cruise on a huge private yacht. I’d like a ride in a rare car. I’d like to be backstage at a big event.
      The trick is to win enough to buy peace of mind but not so much that it actually does the opposite!
      Bonne Chance, everyone!

    27. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

      About £2 million perhaps – enough to have an income earning “safety net” to be able to maintain my modest lifestyle (through investments) and enough to start a business to generate wealth for myself and others and work on what I really want to instead of working for an employer.

      It may be uncharitable of me but I’m afraid I wouldn’t want to have more and just give it away to people who have made bad choices in the past and are struggling as a result, and it fails the “would everyone have access to that?” test.

      I currently live “below” my income in terms of neighborhood etc and it is much more diverse and interesting than moving to a place “in line with” my own income with cookie cutter people.

      It helps that I am happily childless and don’t have a large “upstream” family.

  32. Sir Freelancelot*

    Hi everyone! This year, for the very first time, I will spend Easter alone (my family lives in a very hard hit Coronavirus country, and I’m quarantining in another hit almost as bad, so no flying home, no meeting friends to celebrate together, nothing!). I decided to still celebrate because as a Catholic I especially feel this day. So, I’m ready to prepare a fancy lunch for one, and we decided with my friends to eat together via Skype! Then I will have a toast with my family. I was wondering: how are you going to spend Easter, or Sunday if you don’t celebrate it?

    1. Princess Deviant*

      I’m not religious not do I celebrate Easter, but I was raised Catholic and for some reason this year I’ve really wanted to be at the mass (which of course I can’t), so I’ll watch it from the Liverpool Metropolitan Cathedral on YouTube later in the afternoon, or live stream it if I am able to.

        1. Sir Freelancelot*

          Oh, I’ll try to watch the Mass form the Vatican and not to burn my meal in the meanwhile! I wish you a lovely day!

      2. Oxford Comma*

        Not religious either, but this year, I think I am going to watch mass. The parish I technically belong to has a YT channel. Making myself a nice meal. Call my family.

        Best I can do.

        2. Princess Deviant*

          I think there is something comforting about the highly ritualistic aspect of it that is appealing to me in this routine-less time.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      I live with people, so we’re all dressing up pretty and doing a roast lamb dinner.

    3. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

      Easter via Zoom with friends in another country, and calls home to family. I hope you have a nice day tomorrow!

    4. Tau*

      I’m currently with my parents – I effectively moved back in in mid-March, when it became clear which direction things were going in – so we’ll have a nice Easter breakfast with eggs and baked lamb-shaped cake later on and Easter decorations as is traditional. It’ll be weird not having my brother and niece here, though, especially because lack of niece means there will be no egg hunt.

      …..I actually spent the last few days making her a virtual one, using my professionally-honed web developer/enthusiastic amateur image editing skills. It came out surprisingly well! So I’ll send her the link to that on Sunday, fingers crossed she enjoys it – but it’s still not exactly the same.

      1. Myrin*

        Osterlämmer, Osterlämmer, Osterlämmer! (I came home from work just a bit ago so I’ll be baking mine more towards the evening hours. Got a new baking mould last year and while the lamb itself has a bit of a weird goofy look on its face – which my sister loves – the tin itself has worked absolutely beautifully. Let’s hope it’ll be the same this year.)

        And also! Don’t let the lack of niece be the reason to not have an egg hunt! I mean, I guess it’s probably too late for you now but my sister and I clandestinely bought stuff last week and will be doing a surprise egg hunt for our mum! We’ve got a list with all the hiding places and everything! (We normally do egg hunts for each other, so my mum will hide stuff from us and we will hide stuff from her and we have to be really careful to not cross paths but this year, mum hasn’t gone out because of the virus and is all morose about the first-ever lack of Easter egg hunt. Little does she know!)

        1. Tau*

          Yes, Osterlamm! :D I’m trying a new recipe this year because I’ve never been too enthused by our old one – it’s decent but not spectacular at the start and turns dry as dust quickly. We did banana bread lamb last year and I decided to try carrot cake lamb this year. (The Easter bunny can eat the Easter lamb! Circle of life!) It’s in the oven right now, fingers crossed that it turned out OK.

          And that is an awesome idea re: your mum! I hope she enjoys it. :) I can’t quite see it working here, sadly – Easter egg hunting has very much been a “youngest generation searches” thing since I can remember, it sort of moved smoothly from me and my brother to my niece nine or ten years ago. I think we just all sunk the energy into the virtual egg hunt instead, I went all out with animations and everything and my mother organised the hosting.

          The thing I’m more considering stepping in on is that my mother has said she doesn’t want to colour eggs this year because she’s not really feeling it. The idea of the Osterlamm without colourful eggs around it makes me sad, so I might just sneakily do that myself later on and surprise them tomorrow morning.

          1. Myrin*

            Fingers crossed regarding the new lamb recipe! Ours isn’t amazingly great either, I have to admit, but I have yet to encounter one which doesn’t turn dry rather quickly, too, and I like the taste enough to stick with it. I usually get one with egg liqueur from my workplace (the inn’s kitchen, not the drugstore) but since they’re closed this year, I’ll need to make all three lambs myself, which pleases my sense of symmetry. (And I make carrot cake at least once a year – my sister’s birthday – but I’ve never thought to put it into the lamb mould. Maybe I’ll try that some time!)

            And, I mean, Ostereiersuchen is something for kids, we just never stopped doing it because we’ve always lived together and neither of us have children and it’s always a pretty big and fun event. We’re making our own traditions, which is something I love, but I do think it would be different if we had actual children in our household.

            And I totally did not comment on the virtual egg hunt in my first reply, I’m sorry! It sounds really awesome, I’m convinced your niece will love it! How exactly does that work, if you don’t mind my asking? Do you have, like, a landscape where you deposit the virtual eggs?

            And good luck regarding the colouring, too. My sister went all out this year and made the most beautiful egg with the most real-looking Blaumeischen (I’m sorry but I refuse to use that English word, you can’t make me!) yesterday – I’d never have the patience for that, and she jokes it’s her (probably) ADHD brain doing all the work. (No new reports on that front, btw, naturally.)

            1. Tau*

              It’s come out fairly well judging by the foot*, although there was a moment of panic where I thought it was underbaked. I think fruit/vegetable cake like banana bread or carrot or zucchini cake do very well at staying moist, which as you rightly point out is the big big problem with Osterlämmer. But I think one of our issues is just that we don’t eat it quickly enough. ;)

              Yeah, my niece was born when my brother and I were still fairly young (early twenties), so I think what happened is that the existing traditions switched to her before we had the chance to really revise them from an adult perspective. Re: the virtual egg hunt – OK, I will babble about this because I’m quite proud of it-

              So I took a picture from our Alps holiday last year where we were all on it looking fairly busy, downloaded some clipart of easter eggs, and Photoshopped them into the image in appropriate locations + coloured and shaded them so they wouldn’t be too obvious. Exported the background image plus each egg in its own image with a transparent background, layered them on top of each other in a HTML page, then added some Javascript which when you click the composite image checks each egg layer to see if you hit a non-transparent part and makes the layer vanish if you do. That’s the core of it, the rest is just prettying it up a little (an animation of the clicked egg “dropping” into a basket, an egg counter, various notes from the easter bunny, etc.) In true web developer fashion, the hardest part actually turned out to be stacking all the egg images, I forgot that the CSS layout system was clearly designed by space aliens and is not meant for human use. But it worked out eventually!

              Those eggs sound amazing, wow! We just do really boring monocolour ones anyway, surely I can manage these… (and yeah, global pandemic is the best time to try for ADHD assessment clearly /o\)

      2. Sir Freelancelot*

        I understand that right now things aren’t as we expected them to be, but I think that the virtual egg hunt is a fantastic idea! And the Easter breakfast menu sounds really tasty! I wish you and your family a lovely Easter!

    5. WellRed*

      Technically Catholic, never religious. I will be celebrating alone, just sort of …peaceful contemplation. I’m not much of a cook but will be looking for something a bit more special to make for tomorrow.

    6. Laura H.*

      Catholic as well and very thankful that there are plenty of parishes streaming masses and such.

      We ordered take and bake casseroles from a local eatery for tonight (Tonight’s will be hot for pickup) and tomorrow (cold to bake tomorrow). Certainty not Easter ham and fixings but still on the special side of things

      1. Sir Freelancelot*

        Yeah, streaming Masses are, pardon the joke, a blessing in moments like these ones! And I think your plan for the email sound really tasty! Have a very happy Easter!

        1. Sir Freelancelot*

          of course, I meant your plan for the MEAL sounds really tasty, but my autocorrector decided otherwise!

    7. Shell*

      Episcopalian here, so I’ll be watching the livestream from the National Cathedral in DC. And I gave up soda for Lent, so I’ll probably drink a couple of Cokes. A blessed Easter to all who celebrate it, and a happy Sunday to those who don’t!

      1. Sir Freelancelot*

        Happy Easter to you as well, enjoy those Cokes! I gave up chocolate for Lent and I’m COUNTING the minutes: tomorrow that cute chocolate bunny on the shelf will found a new home in my stomach!

    8. Parenthetically*

      Dressing up for church (which will be on our couch). Skyping with my husband’s aunt and grandparents. Taking some family photos (ourselves). Having a nice, simple, hearty late lunch.

      1. Sir Freelancelot*

        Ah, yes church-on-the-couch will be my way to go as well! I wish and all your family a very happy Easter! Take some nice shots :-) !

    9. Blue Eagle*

      DH and I just put on the calendar what we are planning to do for tomorrow. First it’s Easter Egg hunt for me sponsored by our webhost. Last year I won the egg worth $25 for credit on this year’s hosting fee. Next it’s Easter Mass from St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York (thanks to ABC for carrying this live at 11AM Eastern on the TV so we don’t have to watch it streaming on a midget computer screen. Then it’s a delicious ham dinner carried-out from the restaurant we always go to on Easter Sunday. Then watch the rerun of Phil Mickelson winning his first Master’s (which we are taping today on CBS but will watch tomorrow when the final day of this year’s Master’s was originally scheduled). I’d say it would be an Easter “tradition unlike any other” except that it will be similar to the Easter tradition that we have every year – which is at least one happy thing in the midst of this oddball situation.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      We are having ham (lots of sandwiches in our future) for Easter dinner. Still hesitating between scalloped or baked potatoes, because of the leftovers. (I’ve never tried reheating scalloped potatoes before.) Haven’t chosen the green veggie yet, as we disagree on virtually all of them and I don’t want to start a fight over Brussels sprouts or asparagus.
      I wish I had a lamb cake mold, but I’m usually more of a cake mix and bundt pan baker. Do you have to decorate with fancy icing or just use a glaze? I could do a glaze.
      When my daughter was little, I had oval pans to make an Easter egg layer cake. I frosted it a pastel color, and let her draw designs with tubes of decorating icing.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Back around Thanksgiving, I bought a big pan of scalloped potatoes from Costco and re-heated them a serving at a time. They re-heated just fine, so I suspect homemade ones would too.

    11. J.B.*

      Our church’s youth group is sending out kids to hide Easter eggs (in return for a food shuttle donation). Otherwise lazing and giving kids more presents than I usually would for Easter. Our church will stream services. It’s nice to have that structure to the week.

    12. LQ*

      I normally host with an aunt for my very large family. (40 or so people.) I have access to space that is accessible so we can get the folks with wheelchairs and other walking issues all in so it’s the one time that side of the family is EVERYONE everyone usually.

      It’s a huge amount of stress and prep and I kind of hate doing it every year. But I also desperately miss it. I miss getting to see my family. I miss the food. I miss brunch. I miss planning and all of it.

      I’m just going to do what I do every day tomorrow. But I think I may at least try to make myself breakfast.

    13. A New Normal*

      My husband’s an Episcopal priest and I’ve become the emergency camera and tech person as someone has to film the services for live broadcast to all our members so I’ll spend tomorrow behind the camera in our empty church and then we’ll both come home and fry up some bacon (we gave up meat for lent) and generally collapse. He’s had to take on altar guild tasks as well as wire our 100-year-old church so we could even get a signal in there, on top of all the normal Holy Week services so he’s probably going to shovel in that bacon and then sleep.

    14. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      We usually have about 10 people at my parents’ house for the entire week around Easter and another 5 guests dropping in for coffee and cake on Easter sunday. This year it’s just me and my parents, which is an adjustment. We’re not religious, and too lazy to colour eggs etc just for us, but we’ll have a nice dinner with some roast beef we’ve been saving for a special occasion and we’re lucky to have a garden so we’ll be enjoying the nice weather. The most lowkey Easter in ages and I miss our chaotic crew, but honestly I’m just glad we’re not all on our own.

    15. RagingADHD*

      My kids are at the age where the Easter Bunny is a game we play, rather than magic they believe in. So I smuggled some candy & non edible treats in my last grocery pickup.

      I’m going to make waffles and we’ll watch the streaming church service.

      At noon, there’s a community plan for everyone to ring bells.

    16. On a pale mouse*

      I will go to work and be annoyed at the people who should be staying home (it’s groceries, people have to eat, but people are shopping too often and bringing too many people with them). I don’t have the energy to cook, so I will probably buy myself a more expensive and larger frozen meal than usual (I’m thinking Marie Callender’s pot pie) to cook while I take my post work shower, and then I’m doing some online gaming with friends I haven’t seen in ages and haven’t played online with since last summer.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      I’m no longer strictly Christian so I won’t be doing anything to speak of. My mum will probably watch Mass on TV. If there was no coronavirus, we’d probably go to my brother’s house for dinner, but that won’t be happening this year.

    18. WoodswomanWrites*

      I don’t celebrate Easter and was oblivious to the holiday–oops–when I scheduled an online gathering for the outdoor-oriented Meetup group I organize. We’re supporting the local nonprofit shuttered theater by downloading a nature documentary they’re showing digitally. About twelve of us are each watching it individually in advance, and then having a Zoom call to discuss it as a group. I did this as an experiment last weekend. It went well and there was so much interest from more people that I’m hosting a second event. I’m thinking I might do this again with some other nature documentaries so we can get together online until we can head out on a hike together again.

    19. Atchafalaya*

      My husband and I will find a service streaming from a local church and worship with them. Very excited to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. I wish all of you a lovely, peaceful day.

    20. Liane*

      Methodist here. We haven’t had church services, other than sermons and some music online, since mid-March. But I believe it doesn’t matter to the Lord that I am worshiping alone, sitting in front of a computer. I am missing singing in choir & playing handbells, and missing my friends there more. So I listened to Andrea Bocelli’s live stream concert, then the end of the live stream of the US Army Field Band. Now I am listening to Huw Priday’s performance of the hymn “Here is Love Vast as the Ocean,” which I sometimes play on tenor recorder solo as an offertory or prelude.

      Our grown kids, who live with us, are both working (grocery store), so I won’t see them until later–but I am so grateful I CAN see them in person when so many cannot do so. We will have a simple Easter dinner–turkey ham (daughter is allergic to pork, beef, etc.), green beans, mashed potatoes, and a carrot cake. I am also going to make some bread in the breadmaker.

    21. Thankful for AAM*

      Its a regular quarantine Sunday for us. A little extra sleep, books, talking to son who is quarantined in a different city, cooking lunch and dinner, walking the dog. Maybe a movie on TV.

    22. Marillenbaum*

      Yesterday, my mom, my sister, and I did our annual comedy-screening of The Ten Commandments (1956 version with Charlton Heston). I’m self-isolating in a hotel, so my mom came over and stayed 10 feet away, and we called my sister (she lives in the UK). It felt SO GOOD to hang out as a family, and we’ve been doing regular screenings of this movie since my sister and I were kids.

    23. Princess Zelda*

      My family isn’t religious and I didn’t even know Easter and Jesus had any connection until high school. Even so, we’ve always celebrated Easter in the Easter Bunny and Chocolate In Baskets secular-y kind of way. Even though I’ve been on my own for a bunch of years, I’ve always had something to do on Easter, even if it was just distributing Reese’s Eggs and rabbit puns at work. This is the first time I’ve ever just been alone, in my apartment, doing nothing. I played a little Animal Crossing and I nibbling on the overpriced chocolate bunny I bought last time I made a grocery run, but mostly I’ve just been watching TV. Hopefully my siblings’ internet is good enough later that I can do a skype call but we’ll see.

  33. Lily*

    Hello everyone!
    Every Thursday National Theatre is showing one of their plays for free on Youtube. It is subbed and available for one week before the next show starts. Last week was “One man, two guvnors”, this week is “Jane Eyre” and next week will be “Treasure Island”.

    I am half way through “Jane Eyre” and it is the first time I’ve really enjoyed that story – the actors are AMAZING!
    And I am so stoked about “Treasure Island” because I’ve loved the story ever since watching “Treasure Planet” as a preteen and because I just recently got a celebrity crush on Arthur Darvill and he is playing John Silver! (I mean, he was my favorite companion on Doctor Who (Rory Williams) but I hadn’t really thought much about him until youtube started recommend videos with him singing and I didn’t know he was such a great singer!! I now prefer his “Falling Slowly” over the original! Sorry, I am just fangirling at this point and I am so excited that I will get to see him playing :D )

    1. Grace*

      If you like Arthur Darvill, try to find footage of the Faust production where he was Mephistopheles. It’s very fun, and he looks good in red.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Ooh I didn’t realise they were subtitled – that makes them accessible to me! Jane Eyre is one of my favourites so I’ll make time.

      I have been enjoying the weekly “Shows Must Go On” on YouTube – JCSS is available until Sunday 6pm UTC.

      1. Lily*

        Yeah, I didn’t notice it at first, either, but it was written at the very bottom in the description box of one of the Jane Eyre previews/trailer. I am so very glad that they have put the effort into subtitles but they should make it clearer. It is a great help for hard of hearing people and non-native English speakers.

        I saw one with the POTO musicians playing “All I Ask Of You”, it sounded great!

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Thanks so much for telling us about this! I love the National Theatre and this is perfect.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I watched One Man Two Guvners last week, and it was quite funny although I can’t stand James Cordon. We do get the live transmissions at the cinema but they always seem to clash with other plans.

          1. Pennyworth*

            OMTG was my first exposure to James Corden (I saw it when it was first broadcastyears ago), and I thought he was amazing both then and when I re-watched it last week. It was a funny as I remembered and as a bonus I was able to introduce my daughter to it, and she loved it too. Luckily it was easy to blank out the current iteration of James Corden! I go to nearly all the cinema broadcasts, so I have seen all the four plays before. I’m really looking forward to seeing Twelfth Night again, with Tamsin Greig as ‘Malvolia’, she’s a great comic actor. I hope the National Theatre will show some more plays after these four.

    4. DistantAudacity*

      Yes!

      I managed to catch «One man, two guvnors» last week. It was tremendously funny, and James Corden (the lead in that one, and the thing was written for him) is an amazing comic performer.

    7. Lemongrass*

      I was skeptical about ‘One man …’ because I’m just not a fan of James Corden, but reviews for it were so positive and raved about how funny it was (and Heaven knows I need some laughs right now!) so I gave it a go. Very pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it! Complete and utter nonsense storyline with everyone taking things completely seriously is one of my favourite styles.

    8. Princess Deviant*

      My mum told me about this yesterday funnily enough, and I have just watched Jane Eyre this evening – it was absolutely fantastic! Highly recommended.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Thank you!!! I bought a ticket to see Amadeus streamed recently (Syracuse); my smallish TV didn’t do it justice but it was still amazing.
      I will be adding this to my list… I am so grateful!

  34. MistOrMister*

    What book have you tried to read recentltly and your brain just is not having it? For me it’s Frankenstein. I keep trying, but first it bored me to tears. Then things picked up a bit but I am finding it completely implausible and had to put it down again. Maybe I will finish it before old age hits….maybe not.

    1. Rollergirl09*

      Think about it this way—this book was written by a 20 year old woman in the early 19th century. It’s implausibility is part of what makes it interesting. Read it from the cultural context of the era and not from 2020 knowledge of science.

      1. MistOrMister*

        I have no problem reading old novels. I enjoy Jane Austen, Arthur Conan Doyle, HG Wells, etc. My problem is just the story doesn’t fit for me. The protagonist builds a monster and just leaves him in his room and runs away? And the monster….disappears? Literally no one sees it? Then it goes to the protagonist’s home in a different country and kills his little brother. What the frick??? Maybe this stuff gets addressed better later in the book but to me it is completely absurd.
        I really disliked A Quite Place because things were set up in a way that was, to me, completely unbelievable. Modern or a few hundred years old doesn’t matter, but when illogic bugs me, it bugs me something awful.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Look at it through the lens of Victor Frankenstein as an irresponsible baby daddy and it might be more interesting.

        2. Grace*

          The middle half or so is the creature’s point of view where he explains what happened and how – so yes, it does all get explained later. Up until that point, the creature is very much like a phantom that just drifts in and out of Victor’s life seemingly at random, but after that you can very easily see that there was reasoning and structure to it. At the moment we’re seeing it all from Victor’s point of view, and to be blunt, Victor doesn’t care about very much besides himself, much less how his creation is managing to survive.

          1. MistOrMister*

            That’s helpful to know! Maybe I will be able to slog through it to get to where it all stops being a huge mishmash of god knows what. But I really hate when it’s this much work reading something!!

    2. Sir Freelancelot*

      “Wuthering Heights” for me! I loooooove classics, so I was shocked when I realized I never read this one. I finished it out of sense of duty, and after putting it down uncountable times. It’s just so… a no for me? I find Cathy insufferable and blaming everyone for her own misfortune except herself it’s so annoying, and Heathcliff is her perfect counterpart. The story was so slow, uninteresting (sorry to people who like it, this is my personal opinion). I disliked it as much as I liked “Jane Eyre”.

      1. Myrin*

        Oooooh, I had to read Wuthering Heights for a university course and while I found it interesting in the way I always find literature from that historical period interesting, I had much the same problems with it as you – I found almost everybody highly irritating!

        1. TimeCat*

          Thenthreensisters have some surprising differences between them.

          Tenant of Wildfell hall is basically a treatise on why it’s a bad idea to marry the tempestuous romantic type.

      3. Roy G Biv*

        Lit minor in college, so I read many heavy duty works of literature, back in the day. And some of them were so hard to plow through, even though passing a course was on the line. I had to keep reminding myself, having someone read aloud, while the rest of the family darned socks or knitted, was what passed for entertainment, so having a long, slow moving story was not necessarily a bad thing.
        I agree, cultural context makes a difference.

      4. MistOrMister*

        I also read Wuthering Heights because I felt obliged to do so. I didn’t enjoy it and all I remember is the names Cathy and Heathcliff and there was maybe a love triangle? A hate triangle? I don’t know!

        I only read Jane Eyre once, in high school. I didn’t really enjoy that either, but I guess it made more of an impression because I can at least remember the gist of the story :)

    3. Retail not Retail*

      I’m struggling with non-fiction. I find myself doing the seminar stuff of reading the intro and conclusion and weighing the writing style as worth my time or not.

      I’m giving Silent Spring a try though I feel it’d be easier to read in physical rather than kindle edition (In Cold Blood was also a chore in ebook).

      I did read two great crime books – Under a Ruthless Sun and The Queen. The Queen is about the Linda Taylor, the “welfare queen” and probable double murderer. However. That book killed me because it was kindle, so the citations were blue and obvious. And in the middle of sentences. Before the quotes. Inside the quotes. And they grew as the book did, rather than resetting every chapter. Interesting choice, incredibly distracting.

    4. Jonah*

      For me, it’s Alma Katsu’s The Deep. I struggled with The Hunger (a horror twist on the Donner party), but the concept was good (a horror? twist on the sinking of the Titanic), but it’s just not doing it for me. I can’t keep track of who’s who and what she’s doing with the perspective shifts. I’m going to give it another go because I bought it, but not anytime soon.

      1. Scarlet Magnolias*

        I liked The Hunger, but couldn’t get into the Deep. What I would really like is a new Werewolf novel, anyone have any suggestions? Those Across the River is excellent

    5. university minion*

      Lord of the Rings. All of it. Books, movies, you name it. I’ve tried and tried to get into them and… nope.

    6. TimeCat*

      I love Frankenstein but I initially read it for a class and I think that makes a big difference.

      1. Rollergirl09*

        Yeah I read it in freshman lit in college. It was the first book we read and the way the professor discussed the text was so much better than anything I’d experienced in high school.

    8. NewReadingGlasses*

      I’ve been trying to read The Sisters Brothers, just can’t get into it. So far all the characters are unpleasant, and I don’t care about their motivation. I’m on page 27, may not make it to page 28.

    9. Persephone Mulberry*

      I started reading a Dick Francis novel that I’ve had on my shelf for YEARS. I’ve read many of Francis’s books and he’s a superb writer, so I was surprised at how shockingly ham-handed the writing was. I put down the book after about 50 pages and only then noticed on the cover that this title was co-written by Dick and Felix (his son) Francis. Ohhh. Yeah, in hindsight I could clearly tell which parts of the book Dick worked on and which parts were the son’s. I also googled some reviews and learned that the plot gets even dumber, so I gave up. That one is going in the resale bag.

    10. Lost in the Woods*

      I’m on my third or fourth attempt at War and Peace. Things really start to slog for me when Pierre’s father dies and he starts making lots of bad life choices. I might need to try a different translation.

    11. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

      My partner has asked me to read Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules of Life”; he looks up to JP in some ways without being a “fanboi” and thinks there are a lot of useful information in there that I could apply to my own life.

      I have tried, really I have! Not because I was asked to, but because I feel like I’ve been on a quest of “how to be better” for a while now, and not really found a source of truth, so I thought I might as well try it! But you know how you find some authors easy to understand and just fly along with what they write because it is in ‘your style’ and everything they write seems ‘obvious’ even though you wouldn’t say they are just writing about obvious things, but I mean it just seems self evident when you read it and think “duh, of course! Why didn’t I think of that!” or it just seems natural in some way.

      Well… this book is the opposite of that. Chapter heading – some soundbite of “a rule for life to adhere to”. Then: Anecdote from experience (he’s a practising clinical psychologist), analogy, sidebar about some other author’s writings, tangent about a study that’s vaguely related, return to analogy, ideological diversion, …. then a jump to “and that’s why this rule is applicable to your own life!”

      For those following the Myers-Briggs stuff – partner is a INTJ and I think JP is a ENFJ. Partner normally abhors “bullshit” which I see this as, but he finds some kind of truth in it!

    12. allathian*

      I found it tough going. I don’t know if it’s just the fact that she wrote long rambling sentences with a quill pen, or what… Still, the book is more than 200 years old and a precursor of modern sci-fi and fantasy literature.

  35. MistOrMister*

    This is wonderful!! I cannot imagine the peace of mind you must be experiencing right now. I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on tv, but I assume the lymph nodes being clear must be some of the best news you could have. And the garden starting to grow is fabulous too! I have yet to plant mine, but we are having an unexpected cold snap so I’m glad I’ve been too lazy/distracted. Here’s hoping your radiation goes smoothly!!

    1. MistOrMister*

      Stoopid nesting comment fail! This goes with the poster who got the tumor removed….

  36. Schmitt*

    TMI gastrointestinal

    I have had intermittant bloating and poosplosions for years now. Have not been able to tie it to anything diet related. Colonoscopy results were fine, so that rules out stuff like celiac. My doc is reluctant to do food allergy tests, says they are rarely conclusive and believes that if it were food-related I would have picked up on a pattern before. Have tried probiotics with no change.

    In January I did a month of no alcohol, no wheat (almost no gluten, but did eat spelt-based products a couple times based on doc advice that it might be OK). In January itself I noticed no change. However *February* was completely incident free.

    It seems illogical but does anyone have similar anecdata? Could it take that long for effects to show up?

    1. Princess Deviant*

      My gastro stuff is related to stress for sure.
      The thing that helped me the most with that was therapy and giving up caffeine.
      And yes the effects took a while to come through.
      And becoming vegan – don’t know if the vegan thing is accidental, but I’ve felt better overall since giving up dairy (I was already a vegetarian).

      1. Schmitt*

        I really want it not to be related to stress… but it sure has blown up this week and I sure am stressed. Urgh.

        1. New Normal*

          Stress might not be the main cause but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t get at least a little tummy trouble when stressed.

        2. Smol Book Wizard*

          I used to be thinking I was allergic to milk and probably lots of other stuff until I went on anti-anxiety meds. The first difference I noticed was that suddenly I could be in a stressful situation and not feel sick at the concept of food for days. Of course, everyone’s situation is different, so I would definitely recommend exploring the physical reasons as well! Best wishes.

    2. MistOrMister*

      Oh boy, I feel for you. I also had some weird, unexplained stomach things going on and the normal GI testing wasnt finding anything. Have you done more testing besides just the colonoscopy? An endoscopy for the stomach, x-rays, mri, etc? My colonoscopy and endosocopies were completely clear and it turned out the mri caught a big cyst. Which, after surgery, turned out to have been a big endimetriosis issue that was causing intestinal issues. So I am a big fan of looking for zebras, horses, unicorns, ducks and centipedes when I hear hoofbeats now b/c you just never know!!

      I haven’t done a diet change and had yo wait to see how,it impacts me, but I could how it could take weeks or months before one sees results. If the issues were due to any imbalances in the gut biome, it could conceivably take a while for a changed diet to have an impact and for the biome to repair itself. Hang in there, and I hope you get a diagnosis or at least find a treatment plan that works for you….GI issues are their own special kind of hell, unfortunately. It’s a wonderful feeling though, once they’re under control and the poosplosions go the way of the Dodo.

      1. Schmitt*

        So many endoscopies, bc the first one caught stomach irritation due to pain meds and the start of Barrett’s syndrome. That’s cleared up, but no change to the gut issues.

        The MRI thing is scary – who knows what lurks on our insides just waiting. I get the feeling my doctor thinks it’s not worth getting super worked up about, which I bet would be a different story if HE had the symptoms. *farts in his general direction*

    3. river*

      Yes it can take a while, because even after you have stopped eating the offending foods, your insides need to heal and start functioning normally. Also, your doctor is clueless saying ‘it would be obvious’, it can be very tricky to figure out which foods are the problem. A carefully structured “elimination and challenge” diet is the best method in my experience. It’s tedious but gets the best results, meaning: information.
      Some foods are only a problem if you eat them constantly, but don’t harm now and then. Some are ok cooked but not raw. Some will give you a reaction quickly, some after a day or two. Observe your diet carefully and take notes. See if you notice recurring patterns.

      1. Schmitt*

        I would like to start with eliminating gluten/wheat again… but would rather not do it while in quarantine! Darn it.

        1. Observer*

          Gluten and wheat are not the same.

          From what you say, you didn’t go anywhere near to gluten free – the reality is that gluten shows up in a LOT of products that are not wheat. But wheat itself is a very common allergen. So, you might want to look at that, to start with. It’s also easier to avoid wheat that gluten, so it’s easier to try. If that doesn’t work, you could go full on gluten free. But if you’ve done the testing, it’s not likely to be your problem. (Not impossible, just not likely.)

      2. Tennie*

        Definitely this. I’ve spent years identifying multiple problem foods and additives. Recently id’d sucralose as a culprit and it’s being added to just about everything these days from cough drops to toothpaste to soft drinks to cereal. Also be aware that what triggers someone else might not be one of your triggers — had to explain that to a few medical professionals who kept insisting that I must be lactose intolerant. I’m not.

      3. Jedi Squirrel*

        Also, your doctor is clueless saying ‘it would be obvious’, it can be very tricky to figure out which foods are the problem.

        This. Unless you prepare everything you eat from scratch, it’s really difficult to figure out. When you see all the warning labels on menus and food at the grocery store saying that this was processed in a facility that also processes x, y, and z, and then realize how very little it takes to irritate something in your system (I’m thinking of peanut allergies here), it’s almost impossible to figure this out without being very systematic.

        It may be time for a new doctor/second opinion.

      4. Observer*

        Also, your doctor is clueless saying ‘it would be obvious’, it can be very tricky to figure out which foods are the problem.

        And how! Seriously. How do doctors provide this kind of nonsensical advice to people? How do they get into practice with so little understanding of allergy and food?

    4. pugs for all*

      I agree with the above poster – your doctor doesn’t sounds like he/she is on top of it. It is very difficult to pick up on patterns if you are just going about normal life and eating your regular diet.

      You might want to try the Whole 30. I know it’s a bit of a “fad” but at it’s core, it’s really a 30 day elimination diet, cutting out dairy, gluten, legumes, sugar,etc. And then reintroducing then back in in a systematic way so you can see what affects you.

      Good luck, I have had issues for years with no real diagnosis. But through trial and error I now have a pretty good handle on what/how much/when to eat. I’ve created my own manifesto to refer to when I go off the tracks – which I inevitably do, because things will be going great, so I’ll assume I am “better” and start eating bad foods (for me).

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I’d move to a different doc. Find someone who follows this stuff more closely.
      Yes, it can take a month or longer to see results.
      It’s April now, so if you have continued on you should be seeing changes in your skin, hair and nails which would also help to validate your choices.
      The rule of thumb I have heard is that a food can stay in our systems up to 7 days. I have also been warned about combinations of foods. Some foods do not play well together in our stomachs.

      I have had a couple docs who only had to say one sentence to make me move on. One doc said, “Food has nothing to do with health. Eat whatever you want.” I got out of that office as fast as I could. Keep searching for that doc who has interests in the areas that you want to work with.

    6. fposte*

      Have you tried low FODMAP? That’s usually something that would have been in the mix by now. I agree with others that your doctor might not be as on this as they could be. Is this a PCP or a GI?

      And yes, for me with both Crohn’s and associated problems, responses can be highly delayed, both in the positive and negative reactions. But also it’s pretty common for stuff to bother you sometimes and sometimes not, depending on the robustness of your gut at the time; it’s sometimes less that a person reacts really badly to, say, broccoli than broccoli is the canary in the coalmine when the gut is getting kicked up generally.

      1. Schmitt*

        PCP. I had researched the FODMAP stuff online but what I found was very overwhelming and the page recommended doing it only under a doctor’s advice.

        1. fposte*

          I think it might be time to go to a GI, but in the meantime, you could ask your PCP if they think low FODMAP is worth a try. You shouldn’t do it for very long anyway–it’s not a lifestyle diet. The Monash University app is very helpful; just don’t get sidetracked by all the Australian food we don’t have.

    7. university minion*

      For me, it’s stress/anxiety and booze. I hopped on the wagon 8 months ago and that, along with what I thought were hormonal night sweats, were the two changes I’ve noticed d/t giving up beer. TBH, I was hoping for no changes, because I do really like beer.

      As far as wheat goes, if I have GI issues from it, it’s not because I’m sensitive to it, it’s because I have no self control and eat entirely more pizza/pasta/bread than any person reasonably should in one sitting. And I never learn.

      Caffeine is my last vice, and since I hear the coffee in prison is pretty awful, I’m not giving up my Diet Coke/tea/coffee.

      1. Schmitt*

        We have an indoors pizza oven. If it turns out to be wheat, I will be heartbroken!

        Sounds like maybe another booze break is sensible for me. I was doing Dry January, not specifically for gastro testing, but can’t rule out the effects. Hm.

    8. Bowel Woes*

      I’ve had various gastro problems for a while. Several years ago it was gastritis, but last summer I had a whole mess of problems, and since then I’ve had multiple tests. Fortunately, the major tests have ruled stuff out (celiac, cancer, etc) which essentially leaves IBS. I feel like my doctors have been very thorough – primary doctor went with a CT scan after a month of prilosec did nothing for me (original theory was the gastritis had returned because I was so bloated and also unable to eat). He also recommended I start eliminating FODMAPs and that has been very helpful. The GI is willing to do more because the tests keep ruling things out (and I’m thankful they are!). But right now of course any tests are on hold as they’re all elective and nothing urgent.

      The only test that came back “positive” for me was a hydrogen breath test and that indicates bacterial overgrowth (SIBO). Has your doctor mentioned that as a possibility? My GI brought it up on my first visit with him, I think partly to reassure me that he expected to find nothing on the colonoscopy. Is your doctor suggesting any other tests? Do they have a plan or goal for getting you to a more “normal” status? If not, I would press for more if you can afford it or find a doctor who will take you more seriously if you can.

      I have also recently started working with a registered dietitian to tackle the process of following a low FODMAP diet. It certainly can take a while for effects of an elimination diet to show up. And it’s hard to suss out what are effects of the diet vs other factors – for example some of the progress I was making has gotten completely wiped out by the world going sideways last month. Stress is definitely unhelpful even if it isn’t the original underlying problem. If you want to do any kind of elimination, I strongly recommend you get a consult with a dietitian if you can.

      Wishing you all the best in getting things sorted – GI stuff can be so frustrating!

      1. Schmitt*

        Yeah, I think I’m going to need to ask for a referral to a specialist. Doc has not mentioned any of that sort of thing.

        1. Bowel Woes*

          In case you’re back (sorry slow to answer again) – I would definitely ask about a referral to a GI specialist. Even if your doctor isn’t seeing patients in person, I’d get in touch virtually and ask. It took a few months for me to see the specialist, so even if they aren’t really seeing patients now, maybe they will be by the time your appointment rolls around. I see in another comment you had endoscopies for stomach irritation and Barrett’s syndrome. If you took a protein pump inhibitor for those problems, it wouldn’t hurt to ask your Dr about bacterial overgrowth (SIBO). Taking those for an extended time is one of the theories for why people are susceptible to the overgrowth.

          If you want to look more into low FODMAP, check out the website FODMAP everyday. It’s got a ton of helpful resources. As others have pointed out, it can be pretty hard to spot patterns if what you are experiencing is an intolerance. Especially if the intolerance is related to FODMAPs because there seems to be little rhyme or reason sometimes to which foods and what amount are ok.

    9. JobHunter*

      GI problems can be hard to pin down. Sometimes food allergies manifest in wierd ways. For example, dairy allergies sometimes don’t have any discernable effect until you exercise. It’s called exercise-induced anaphylaxis. This was one of the topics we covered in a graduate-level course I took on nutrigenomics (interaction of your genetics and diet and subsequent effects on health outcomes).

      BTW, your doctor is incorrect about spelt being ‘OK’ but not wheat. Spelt -is- wheat. All wheats (emmer, Einkorn, durum, bread, spelt) produce the proteins that form gluten that trigger celiac reactions, just with variations in protein sequence and quantity. I could probably explain it a little better (but then would blow my screen name).

      2. Observer*

        You are half right – spelt is not wheat, but it DOES contain gluten, and if gluten sensitivity is the issue then it’s just stupid to suggest that spelt is ok. On the other hand many people who are allergic / sensitive to wheat are NOT sensitive to gluten, since gluten is not the only thing that can trigger a problem for people.

    10. Alexandra Lynch*

      I eat no beans, and no cruciferous vegetables, because my body does that sort of thing if I do, and makes me very sorry for my sin.

      I figured it out with food diaries, and I pretty much know that I can put a tablespoon of chopped cooked spinach in a curry for pretty, and I can have a small side salad of iceberg lettuce only once a week, and that’s as good as it gets.

      1. Schmitt*

        How detailed did you go with the food diaries and how did you figure it out? A lot of times I’ll get the bloating after eating something that 100% did not bother me when I had it last week, sort of thing. So I feel really helpless trying to think how I would be able to parse the data.

        1. fposte*

          Underweight negatives and overweight positives. It’s useful information to find out what bothers you sometimes, not just all the time. It’s common that a particular food will be trouble if you have too much of it or have it when you’re stressed, but that experience shows you how you can eat it without trouble.

    11. Jenny F. Scientist*

      These kinds of things are so hard to pinpoint! You might also want to look at something called food-pollen allergy syndrome, which can cause this exact set of symptoms (along with… a bunch of other stuff, so it’s not really conclusive). I will also say from my experience that, as fposte mentions, it’s often cumulative-dose-dependent. Like, a little of X is okay, and a little of Y is okay, and a little of Z is okay, but all together in one week it’s not okay. The only way I figured it out was with a strict elimination diet – like I ate nothing but rice, steamed fish, and boiled peas for a week, and then introduced foods one at a time, it took two months and was no fun.

      Lots of research shows people rarely have a real wheat intolerance (though- I have one- it does happen!) but often do better with, for example, less carbs and more protein/veg, or whatever.

    12. Wishing You Well*

      It’s common to have a delayed reaction to whatever is bothering your gut. If you’re in contact with an irritant, it can take time for your gut to heal and show changes. That said, stress can absolutely cause intestinal problems. Try experimenting with that. There are meds, but there’s also therapy, meditation, yoga, exercise, etc. Your brain and nerves are all connected.
      Sounds like you need to keep good record-keeping on what you’re doing since something really went right in February. So there’s HOPE!
      Sending good thoughts!

    13. Observer*

      You either need a GI or a better PCP.

      The amount of bad advice you seem to have gotten is mind boggling. The three most consequential issues:

      1. If you have GLUTEN sensitivity it is NOT enough to avoid wheat. You need to find foods that don’t have gluten in them when raw and / or find processed foods that are certified gluten free. (Some foods are generally safe, even if not certified but you are going to need o educate yourself.)

      2. You would have picked up pattern if you had food related issues is jaw droppingly ignorant. You’ve gotten a ton of explanation of why this is so, in terms of how our bodies can react to food etc. Beyond that, unless you are keeping REALLY meticulous food diaries – including ALL OF THE INGREDIENTS, you simply don’t have the information you need to discover patterns. Someone mentioned the use of sucralose in all sorts of places. You would never know that you were eating that stuff, most of the time. Same for at least a half a dozen other food items I could think of. And I’m not even a food scientist.

      3. Related to #2 – Why on earth has he not referred you on to a specialist. Or at least looked at stuff like IBS and IBD? (Those two actually cover a lot of conditions.) While it’s *possible* that the testing you have done rules out the IBD, it sure can’t rule out IBS. And, yes these things often DO respond to diet changes, but it’s not so easy to see without some sweeping changes.

    14. allathian*

      One of my favorite things about WFH is that I can fart with almost complete abandon. I just need to make sure that I remember not to when I’m on Skype calls.

  37. Misty*

    Does anyone else feel like they have no concept of time anymore?

    Some days fly by and some days feel like a week long. I have no reason to wake up at a specific time and obviously no reason to leave the house so there feels as if there is nothing marking the time.

    I wonder how difficult it will be to go back to appointments and leaving the house when this is over. Anyone else thinking the transition may be odd in the future?

    1. Sir Freelancelot*

      It feels like a perpetual period of time similar to the one that occurs after the 25th of December and before the 1st of January.

    2. Oxford Comma*

      The days all bleed together. They go by both with astonishing quickness and excruciating slowness.

      I feel like I’m existing in some space/time anomaly ala Star Trek.

      1. London Calling*

        I thought today it’s like being in a city under siege and waiting for the moment the enemy breaches the walls. One minute I was at work doing normal work stuff and the next I’m throwing work and laptop into a bag and for three weeks trying and failing to establish a normal – or even an approximation of it.

    3. Choggy*

      Yes! Even though I’m still working (from home), my work schedule is completely different. I no longer need to get up between 5:30 – 6:30 am to take a shower, get dressed and drive 40+ minutes to work. I roll out of bed around 7, maybe take a shower (depending on how long it’s been), put on comfy clothes (I have never worked in my pjs I’m proud to day), and then spend my day in front of the computer. I try to get up and out at lunch but don’t always make it. I sometimes don’t know what day it is because they are all the same (Groundhog Day!). It will be an adjustment, but a welcome one, when I can go about my day as before.

    4. PX*

      Had this conversation with a friend this week. Having to wake up early, commute to work and be there by a set time is going to be….not great for me. I’ve absolutely loved being able to roll out of bed late, and start my day while still slowly eating breakfast and drinking coffee. I hated my commute anyway even though it short.

      Just the effort of it all is not something I look forward to :/

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I was shocked to realize it’s been 4 weeks since school & my office went remote.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Yeah, I’m getting that drifting feeling – a mix of “what day is it” and “this is going to last FOREVER”. [Side note: there’s an amusing parody of Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, with the lyrics “I Want To Know What Day It Is” – seems like lots of people are having this feeling now!]

    7. Generic Name*

      I keep thinking how weird it will feel to wear shoes and clothing that isn’t knit and stretchy. I gaze at my closet full of clothes and shoes and wonder why I even have them if all I ever wear is workout gear and slippers.

      1. Misty*

        I don’t think I’ve ever related so hard to a comment in my life. In order to not have to have all the roommates go out and have to do laundry, we have one guy doing it but the problem is the first week he shrunk a bunch of clothes so now I don’t want to wear my clothes and have him shrink them. But it’s too late for us all to switch tasks three weeks in.

        So I’ve taken to wearing leggings and pj bottoms and his giant shirts and sweatshirts. One of my other roommates also is wearing his clothes too. It’s actually kinda hilarious.

    8. Lady Jay*

      Oh god yes. When I moved the courses I’m teaching online, I established a rhythm, a little project due on Thurs/Fri and a bigger one on Sunday; repeat the next week. And only like, two days ago, did I realize that my scheduling meant that I’d accidentally set something due on *Easter Sunday*. :P :P :P

      1. Mimmy*

        That’s okay…one of my instructors pushed one of our projects to being due Easter Sunday (original due date was last Sunday, 4/5) due to pandemic-related circumstances. I have a feeling your students won’t mind too much since most Easter celebrations are scaled way back or not happening at all.

    9. Mimmy*

      My husband and I have always been homebodies, so my sense of time isn’t as discombobulated as others are probably experiencing; I don’t drive (visually impaired), so the only change for me is not going to work 3 days a week and going to occasional meetings and events; hubby works from home full time.

      I will say, though, that the longer this goes on, the harder it is going to be to adjust going back to normal (or whatever “new normal” it will be). I have been getting up no earlier than 8:30 most mornings, so I am DREADING the day I have to resume getting up for work. Interacting with other people is going to feel weird too.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This. When I start working again (if I ever do, gah), I know the first few weeks are going to be rough.

    10. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I am keeping track of time significantly by when our trash is picked up. That makes Wednesday afternoon/evening a fixed point, because we have to move the bins to the front for collection, and Thursday because that’s when the trash collecting truck comes.

      Automatic calendar reminders are helping some, evenwhen they’re weird: I set a reminder to be home between 1 and 2 today for an ice cream delivery.

    11. Alex*

      I’m personally dreading having a schedule again. I LOVE a timeless existence.

      I am working from home and need to make sure I make a showing on slack by 9am, but I naturally wake up well before then so it doesn’t feel like a schedule.

      1. Misty*

        I feel you on the schedule thing.

        I used to wake up at 6am in order to get to classes on time. I can’t imagine waking up at 6am at this point…

      2. A New Normal*

        Honestly same. I’m feeling better physically than I have in a long time and I love this lack of mental alarms. On the other hand, I lost a day last week and missed the garbage pickup and almost missed a Zoom meeting so that was less than ideal. I’m still not sure which day I ‘skipped’ but I swear there were only two days between Sunday and Thursday.

      3. Not A Girl Boss*

        Yes, seriously. If we weren’t on furlough watch and stressed about money, I’d be in my glory right now. I’m such a home body and I LOVE having permission to just be true to my own wants for life. I’ve got my little home gym setup, my dog walking schedule, and lots of time to bake and read. I’m dreading going back.
        I feel guilty because I know so many people are having a hard time with this or are financially struggling. But I really like it.

    12. lazy intellectual*

      The weeks feel longer than normal. It’s hard to believe that it’s been less than a month since I’ve been teleworking. It feels like MONTHS. Just last month I was at a conference!

    13. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been feeling that way for a while, especially after moving. I’m staying in a basement space and while it’s very nicely finished, it’s like living in a cave. The days run together and I keep staying up too late.

      Also, the days seem very long. Maybe that’s because there is so much crazy stuff happening all at once. The meme “today was a very long year” sums it up pretty well.

    14. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

      People are remarkably resilient and adaptable. (by design!)

      You suddenly have no sense of time – why? – you have been suddenly uprooted in time – because of the current situation (I’m assuming you are suddenly not working or not doing whatever your normal routine is due to coronavirus).. You accept that “some days fly past and some feel like they last a week” based on your new activities I presume. How quickly this happened! This is the new normal!

      When you go back to appointments and so on… I think you will likely have an equally quick transition back really.

      1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

        If it bothers you that you are losing track of time (I didn’t get the sense that it did, from your post.. especially as you expressed concern, rather than relief, at the though of going back to the ‘old normal’) … you could always set an artificial schedule for yourself to the extent that it’s useful, e.g. set an alarm to wake up at X.00 AM, work on Y project for Z hours, take lunch…

  38. Rollergirl09*

    I bought ten pounds of potatoes for Easter Dinner for two. I’m going to have to get creative with the potato recipes this week.

      1. Rollergirl09*

        I’m making the potatoes for Easter twice baked with bacon and cheese. I’m also making a ham and some sort of vegetable. I have pork chops, chicken, and skirt steak to use up.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’ve done a sort of shepherd’s pie type casserole with chicken cooked in salsa, like for tacos – layer taco fixings with mashed potatoes. Freezes well too. (Just generally, mashed potatoes freeze pretty well.)

          Pork chops go well with a scalloped potato and cheese casserole. Potato soup maybe?

          I accidentally ordered *A* potato on my last grocery order rather than a bag of them, so I have the opposite problem. :)

          1. Roy G Biv*

            “A” potato – that’s kind of awesome! Don’t you wonder what the person packing the order though when they saw ONE potato on the list?

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              It was delivered by my favorite Shipt driver, and when I was unpacking, I texted him and was like “I meant to change the quantity on that – what kind of noob orders A SINGLE potato!” He was like “Oh, I didn’t even think about it, people get one banana or one apple or whatever all the time!” I fully expect that the next time he gets my order, he’ll be like “How many potatoes did you MEAN this time?” Because somehow, he always remembers the things that we chatted about during his previous shop. I don’t even know how. (But that’s part of why he’s my favorite driver.)

        2. Misty*

          That sounds really good!

          One of my roommates made this sweet potato casserole dish that’s like sweet potato, reg potato, ground up turkey meat and veggies. It was pretty good. Bacon and cheese sounds yummy.

        3. saf*

          Twice baked potatoes freeze very well, and can be baked the second time straight from the freezer.

    4. Alex*

      Potatoes keep a while, and they are so versatile.

      My favorite potato-heavy recipes:
      Potato soup
      Pre-coked (I microwave) potatoes sauteed in butter with shallots and bell peppers, with an egg on top.
      Baked potatoes with chili and cheese on top
      Cottage pie

    5. tab*

      I use this for leftover mashed potatoes. They’re very popular the morning after Thanksgiving.

      Cheddar-Bacon Galette
      Adapted from Josh Downing

      A good use for leftover mashed potatoes, from the chef at the Four Seasons Biltmore Hotel’s Patio Restaurant

      2 cups leftover mashed potatoes
      ¼ cup cheddar cheese, grated
      ¼ cup chopped bacon or ham, cooked
      1 tablespoon chopped onions, cooked
      Chopped parsley to taste
      1 egg

      Combine all ingredients and form into 2” diameter by 1” thick patties.
      Flour lightly and sauté over medium heat in a little oil for 3 minutes per side.

      Yield: 4 patties.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Oh, that sounds really good! I may have to make some mashed potatoes just to make these.

      3. Sam I Am*

        I keep looking at leftover mashed potato recipes but we never have any leftovers. We tried making more but, uh, that didn’t work out either!

    6. Cambridge Comma*

      I know people who buy all their potatoes for the next 12 months in one go. So you’re probably safe to keep them for a while.

      1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

        How do they store them, do you know?

        I buy more potatoes than I need (before this crisis) as I like to have different varieties but they all grow shoots and so on.

        I only throw them out if I have to – the ones that go soft I make into soup etc.

        But I can’t imagine preserving potatoes for 12 months unless perhaps they are frozen..

    7. fposte*

      I had an Instacart substitution that left me with a plethora of potatoes, and they seemed to be losing their snap after a month so I made a huge pot of mashed potatoes and froze it in servings.

    8. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Colcannon! I’m stocking up on potatoes and cabbage since they both keep well, and my wife (who is very meh about cabbage in general) even prefers colcannon to plain mashed potatoes.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Cool dark airy place, they store longer than you expect.
      Potato torte. Chilli over potatoes. Hash browns. Home fries. Doubke-baked. Au gratin.
      And “the Martian”–plain, with milk. :)

    10. Jedi Squirrel*

      I have been making air fryer french fries. Once you adapt the technique to your air fryer, they’re better than restaurant.

    11. Koala dreams*

      Oh, potatoes! Potato gratin, potato soup, baked potatoes, fried sliced potato with vinegar…

    12. Bluebell*

      Go look at Passover recipes. They are all about the potatoes! :) potato pancakes are great to freeze!

    13. LDN Layabout*

      The Guardian has some Yotam Ottolenghi recipes for potatoes online that I really want to try.

      One of them is for mashed potato cakes stuffed with meat, a variation of which might work for your leftovers.

    14. GoryDetails*

      I made a nice potato soup recently – well, potato/cauliflower: roasted the potatoes and cauliflower, sauteed some onions, carrot, and garlic (recipe called for fennel too but I didn’t have any), added the roasted veggies and some broth, and simmered until done. Pureed the results, very tasty and creamy. [I made mine with purple cauliflower and blue potatoes, as I got the recipe from an “eat the rainbow” cookbook, but it’d be just as tasty with white potatoes and cauliflower. Hmmm…. and I think there’s an orange cauliflower too, so maybe that with some sweet potatoes for an orange version… Off to update the shopping list!]

      Don’t know how well this freezes, btw, as I wound up snarfing the lot over a couple of days, but I’d think it’d be OK. Will try it next time I make it.

    15. Fikly*

      Someone at the place we do not mention on weekends ordered one onion, and somehow ended up with a 10 pound bag of onions. He’s been having to get pretty creative, but the results have been interesting!

    18. Salymander*

      Potato leek soup

      Or, if no leeks, you can use an onion and some green onions or chives. This version is my very picky kid’s favorite. Good with shredded cheese and bacon on top.

      I freeze the soul in bags with 3-4 servings per bag.

  39. coffee cup*

    Did you treat yourself to anything this week? Can be a tiny thing! Mine is a purchase, but it doesn’t have to be at all.

    I bought a few traybakes from a local bakery (well, local-ish) and they arrived this week. I don’t usually eat cakes and chocolate at home, and I’m not even very into chocolate generally, but they’re delicious and just something nice for myself to keep me going on my own. Plus it’s supporting an independent business, so I didn’t mind too much.

    1. Sir Freelancelot*

      That is really nice, both the purchase and the supporting of independent business!
      I bought a new bed set, splurging a bit, but I really like how my bedroom has now a very “springtime vibe”.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        One of the chocolate shops in town was open today, presumably to try and sell their Easter stock. I bought a bag of chocolate ducks, chickens and rabbits.

      2. coffee cup*

        A good bed set is great for cheering you up! Especially when we’re all spending so much time at home now.

    2. A bit of a saga*

      I bought 6 cup cakes with Easter decorations from an independent baker – I’m picking them up this afternoon. It’s not normally something I would buy but as you said above, I wanted something a bit nicer for the girls and I now that Easter won’t be what it usually is, and this woman specialises in cakes for special occasions so for sure hard hit by COVID-19. She’s also very local to me so that makes me extra sympathetic. In a similar vein, I bought a big poster to colour in with the kids, again from a local shop. It arrived with a handwritten note that read ‘thank you from the bottom of my heart’ which of course was very nice but also just underlined how terribly things are going for these small shop keepers (I mean, maybe she is always quite effusive but that seemed to be quite a heartfelt greeting for what was quite a small purchase)

      1. coffee cup*

        Yes, mine were more expensive than I’d usually pay for a few cakes but I just got paid and I’m saving a wee bit by not commuting every day, so I thought might as well. And they are yummy!

    3. Ranon*

      We also did a bakery order! Ours was fully indulgent and includes cake, pastry and quiche. When it comes down to it at the end of this thing this bakery is pretty high on the list of places I really want to see make it through so I’m happy to send money their way (plus pastry!)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I bought a pet toy for my dog. The toy is Lambchop, (Shari Lewis) from the 1960s. It’s really cute with big eyelashes and a knitted sock face.

      1. Not a cat*

        Lambie (as we call her) is VERY popular. She comes in different editions (we have an easter, a Christmas and Halloween) and different sizes from teeny to the size of my 14 lb Chi-Terrier mix.

    5. PX*

      I’m treating myself to 1 (or 2) food deliveries a week.

      Lots of small restaurants or market traders in my area have moved to home delivery and honestly I’m really excited about it because I normally wouldn’t be able to get their food otherwise. So I get to feel good about supporting small businesses and get delicious food out of it.

      Dumplings and bao buns are coming my way this evening! Bummed I missed out on cupcakes though…

    6. The Witch of the Wilds*

      I had to make a food+soda run a few days ago and I ended up grabbing a few pints of the new Lucky Charms ice cream because I figured I deserved sugary goodness. It’s definitely ‘magically delicious’, would absolutely recommend.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I bought a 2lb bag of chocolate chips and hid them from my family so I can make cookies occasionally without finding the whole jar empty.

      1. J.B.*

        Haha, I keep finding things like chocolate chips upstairs and no-one will admit to sneaking them out of the pantry.

    9. Nicki Name*

      I got some Easter chocolate on the weekly shopping trip. Ghirardelli bunnies, should be yummy!

    10. Undine*

      I got a box of traybakes delivered from a local independent bakery yesterday too, and they are delicious. Also got a big delivery this morning of baked goods from a local wholesale bakery that’s switched to online orders for local delivery to survive. Croissants, pain au chocolate, tarte au citron, bannoffee tart, sourdough bread, quiche Lorraine and the BEST cinnamon buns. An Easter feast!

    11. Overeducated*

      Haven’t done it yet, but planning on getting delivery dinner soon, and I’ve been fantasizing about a big Indian meal all week. We’d planned to order in weekly, and haven’t for the past 2 weeks, so that means I can get ALL THE FOOD, right?

      Last week I also ordered a couple of books I’ve been wanting from a local independent bookshop. I never buy brand new books, i am a big library user, so that was a splurge justified by “supporting local businesses” and sponsored partially by a random check I got for participating in a study. Now i just need time to read them!

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Same here re: books! I get all of my books from the library, but since the library has been closed since mid-March and will be closed until at least the end of this month, I treated myself to three physical books from Powell’s.

    12. Bluebell*

      We ordered wine for Passover. The wine store carries candy and other gourmet foods, so I added a package of salted caramels.

    13. Fikly*

      I gave in and spent $5 to access the vast archives of a podcast I love. I would not normally do this, but hey, stress relief, right? Also, think of all that money I’m not spending at coffee shops two or three times a week.

    14. Nessun*

      Rocks! As in, pretty polished stones, from my local small business that sells those, along with crystal grids and Tarot decks and all that jazz. They do IG showings and people note which one they want, and it’s very friendly and fun – plus supports local business that can’t open right now. There’s a gorgeous black moonstone that fits in my palm and feels so lovely to hold….

    15. Blueberry*

      I need to stop buying things. I have bought a range of things from gourmet meat to freeze dried fruit to art supplies. I need to un-memorize my credit card number!

    17. J.B.*

      Bought an office chair and takeout lunch from a bakery that was also doing pay it forward, so bought some loaves of bread for the food shuttle. It is hard to get craft stuff but origami paper came sooner than anticipated.

    18. Sparkly Librarian*

      I took the $20 I sold some cloth diapers for (I’d ordered the wrong thing and didn’t want to pay shipping to return the pack) and put it toward $40 of bulbs to plant! Ranunculus (buttercups), black and white anemones, and one root of black-eyed Susan. The shelter in place has been VERY good to my backyard garden.

    20. A New Normal*

      Nail polish! I’m furloughed from the job that requires nails to be nothing more exciting than red so I’ve been playing with ALL THE COLORS and various nail art techniques. I just ordered black and a dark blue for an Avengers themed day.

    21. cleo*

      My spouse made chocolate mug cakes in the microwave and they were delicious! Cheap and easy to make but they taste really rich and indulgent.

    22. Dancing Otter*

      I bought hair color online, and put a green streak in my hair. (Punky Colors’ semi-permanent, in vivid green)
      Now that I’ve seen how it looks after the first washing, I plan to do my whole head next week.

  40. Sibling-less?*

    Yesterday was National Siblings Day. I’m an only child with a stillborn brother ~4 years older than me (already named but birthed sleeping). All my cousins lived 500 miles away and I wasn’t allowed to play with the neighbor kids growing up. Also, I was left alone during the summers to fend for myself and my mom was a huge supporter of corporal punishment.

    My current situation reminds me of those summers except now I have a husband and a pet. And I am surrounded by those bittersweet childhood memories. Each time people showed sibling photos, it was a stark reminder of what I almost could have had. In a dark humor sort of way, I used to say “DUDE, you had ONE job (to be born).”

    But I also think of that one time 5 years ago when I was walking down an avenue and a car nearly hit me but miraculously didn’t. I’d like to think it was the older sibling looking out for me (corny, I know).

    1. Katefish*

      Can’t think of a clever phrasing, but wanted to let you know your story moved me. Sending virtual hugs if you want them.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Likewise, only child and lost older bro before birth. Not missing those summers AT ALL!

      Yeah, I think they watch out for us. I really do.

    3. Generic Name*

      I don’t think it sounds corny at all. He probably is watching out for you. I’m sorry your childhood was so lonely. All the feels.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m sorry you went through that, you’re not alone in this. I have an older brother but I still grew up very painfully lonely as he wasn’t interested in spending time with me and my parents didn’t like me playing with other kids or even my own cousins. I yearned for younger siblings.

    6. Piano Girl*

      I posted a picture of my siblings and I that was taken probably thirty years ago. We are all making funny faces. The picture also includes my foster sister who came to live with us when she was nine and left when she was a teenager. All contact with her was cut off as she went back into the system. She reached out to my parents when she got married and she has been somewhat in our lives since. She commented the first time it was posted how much it meant to her to be included.
      Perhaps posting a picture of you with someone you consider “like a sibling” would help to fill a little bit of that hole. I know it helps me.

    7. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      Also offering virtual hugs!! I’m also an only child who wasn’t supposed to be one – should’ve been the first of five, but my mom got sick and couldn’t have any more kids after that. I often have the same ‘what if things had turned out as planned’ thoughts and I know it can be hard!

    8. valentine*

      You wouldn’t necessarily have been close to your brother. Parents who isolate you can do that in a houseful of people.

      FOO (family of origin) isn’t the only way to get siblings! You can make close friends. Found family is still family.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      I have siblings and childhood felt like we were just strangers on a bus we didn’t want to be on. Loneliness takes many forms. I am sorry for your childhood and hope you can find some “radical acceptance”. I hope we all can.

  41. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Governor Hogan (Maryland) reassured constituents that the Easter Bunny is an essential employee. And one family member says the kindergarten kid stopped worrying about the bunny getting stopped by police.
    HOW BIG IS THAT RABBIT?!
    (But until I made that leap of logic, I was weepy.)

    1. Retail not Retail*

      We saw the bunny on a trip to the church’s children yesterday. It seemed a bit weird to do it on Good Friday, especially since you won’t be going to church Sunday.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In my house, the Easter Bunny is also Little Bunny Foo Foo. So every year, the dogs catch him hoppin’ through the back yard, scooping up the field mice and bopping ’em on the head, and THAT IS NOT NICE, so they bop HIM on the head, confiscate all his candy, and bring it inside and leave it in baskets on the table for their favorite people.

      1. Fikly*

        Can I drop in my favorite Easter anecdote?

        My parents would do an egg hunt in the yard for my sister and I when we were kids, the typical chocolate in plastic eggs thing. One year, they decided they wanted to sleep in, to they put the eggs out the night before.

        The next morning, suddenly a shriek came from my parents’ bathroom. My dad looked out the window, and saw a squirrel very happily chowing down on an egg. Sure enough, just about all of them had been cracked open, and the chocolate devoured.

        Years later, my grandmother sent my mother some chocolate for some occasion, and the package was left on the stoop. Once again the squirrels feasted. We never told my grandmother what happened, just thanked her and told her how tasty it was!

        2. KoiFeeder*

          My grandmother sent my family some cranberry cookies that got left on the doorstep, but it was raccoons that got into that one, not squirrels.

          We know it was raccoons because the package went missing and we found it in the woods, next to raccoon tracks and cranberry carnage.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      The Easter bunny can be as big as some dude in a bulky rabbit suit. They don’t make handcuffs to go around THOSE wrists, so the Easter bunny is safe from arrest but could get egg-stradited!
      …sorry…

    4. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

      Cue an upsurge in people going on non-essential trips in an Easter Bunny costume…

  42. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Hope it’s okay to hijack this from the usual poster — how does your garden grow? I’m excited about mine…but have some serious hard work to fit in around raindrops.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      Everything is growing like mad – mild winter, endless rain.

      My mom wants mulch for the bed in front of the porch. I grabbed a few bulbs and seeds that were in front of the pharmacy and she was like… okay….

      This isn’t the work thread but my work has infected my brain and i see people’s yards as I walk and I say hmph take care of those weeds and that looks like way too much work you’re crazy. I haven’t been to work in a week – usually our summer annuals come this upcoming week. Coleus, potato vines, and secretsia vines are the most memorable from last year. The secretsia have the grossest roots ever and then in october they were monsters to remove.

      I of course want cactus everywhere to keep out the dang ducks but i get shot down. Our winter stuff – ornamental cabbage – gets eaten by ducks and squirrels.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My winter work paid off. I have 8 geraniums, including 2 in bloom and one that’s filling a 2-ft pot. I have 3 dahlias. I have 2 or 6 empress lilies depending on the results of my aphid treatment. Almost 30% of my crazy-old seeds sprouted. (Either they lived or they didn’t oh, there was no in between.) My canna did not make it.
      Being home days means I’ve taken many weeding breaks, so the bad-tasting mint is out of the garden… now I ‘only’ have to fight the runners in the lawn. (Not sure why my husband was surprised to see mint in the lawn…he mowed it more than once last summer LOL.)
      The stevia made it through its second winter indoors. It’s doing better now after going dormant in the cool basement than it did last year in the living room. More light helped I’m sure. (I love LED bulbs!)
      Today appears to be my gap in the rain to do some digging. I anticipate a good crop of rocks, as I’m in New England.

    3. Jdc*

      Peony’s, lettuce, spinach, tomatoes and broccoli in the ground. Also planted some wild flowers out front since we have a ton of land and no color. Just starting to see the flowers sprout.

      Husband has started a whole hydroponic system in our basement. He finally got it fully up and running yesterday. He’s enjoying doing it. We shall see how it goes as it’s our first year doing it.

      Our goal this year is to not buy any veggies at all. Lofty goal so I don’t expect to get there this year but we will know with how much we planted what amount to add. I also am doing a ton of tomatoes I will can to hold me through the winter. Also zucchini.

    4. Venus*

      Thank you! Definitely not a hijack as I only started from someone else when they didn’t post one week. If anyone else is ever able to do it before me then please do!

    5. fposte*

      I’m on the verge of the tulip-splosion; I’m guessing about 10 days to full glory if the weather stays nice.

      Seeds are due to arrive next week so quite a few will be going in both inside and outside.

    6. WellRed*

      Does anyone have wisdom for how damp it o keep soil for herb seeds planted last week? The directions say a spray bottle is best, so that’s what I do but it seems so dry. I really want these to take.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yeah, that’s a little tricky. You might try putting a piece of plastic wrap over them until they germinate at any rate. That would help to keep the moisture in. You may prefer to go with a tent type of set up so some air gets in there to prevent mold.

            OR If you have some peat moss or a friend would give you a couple handfulls, you could probably wet the peat moss and set it on top of the seeds to help keep moisture in. The seedlings should be able to push up through the peat, as long as it’s not real thick.

    7. MommaCat*

      Everything is growing like mad, and my fancy new mint plants (orange and chocolate) showed up this week, thankfully alive. I set up a drip system yesterday for all the plants in the back yard yesterday, now I just need to get the front yard into better shape. I’ve been picking aphids off my potted miniature roses, so I’ve shifted them closer to the marigolds in hopes that will solve the problem. But the roses are about to bloom for the first time! It’s exciting, my later blooming camellias are almost done blooming, and I love the idea of having blooms at all times. I started setting up my garden this winter, though I’ve definitely ramped up my ambitions with this shelter in place.

    8. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I am growing herbs in pots on the porch, because we learned a few years ago that one of the cats will destroy seedlings. I have transplanted thyme, sage, and rosemary from the tiny containers the garden center sells them in to reasonable-sized pots, and am hoping they’ll get enough sunlight.

      I also happened to meet a neighbor who was sitting in our little parking lot, earlier this week, and we worked out an informal division of outdoor planting space. Now to check in with the rest of the neighbors: our building is two apartments, and hers is three.

    9. Anonymath*

      My passion fruit vines are blooming like mad, and I’ve got at least 50 little green fruit hanging down. I will admit that I spend some time each afternoon hand pollinating them (not that they need it, but it makes me feel useful).
      I’ve got a banana starting to fruit, and some baby avocados on my avocado tree for the first time. Still have some kale and collard greens going strong and providing my salads. Also tons of dill and other herbs. Now that I’ve been trying to get rid of my non-productive asparagus, it’s finally started growing. We’re almost fully weeded and mulched, and I’ll have a few more flower seeds to plant, but otherwise everything is slowly sprouting.

    10. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’ve started a project of digging up the front disaster area completely and getting rid of the weeds and random volunteer plants so that I can create a somewhat organised space to grow a mix of vegetables and flowers. I think I was too early with starting some seeds indoors so now I have some very enthusiastic seedlings that are rapidly outgrowing the available space. It’s probably still too cold to put them out though.

    11. Fikly*

      Oooh, do indoor plants count?

      I just got a bounty of tiny succulents, almost all in 2″ pots. I usually kill my plants by forgetting to water them, so I’m hoping to make that work for me. I will be checking to see if they seem dry, but is there a general time frame they might need to be watered? I’ve got them in sun, but not super bright sun.

      1. Venus*

        Anything counts if you want it too, even mould on a coffee cup! This is just a spot to talk about what is going well for you, or where you might need help, so there are no limits.

        Unfortunately I’m not the best judge of when to water most plants. My suggestion is to lift up the pots and notice when they are starting to get lighter. Not desert dry, but when you lift it the plant should feel noticeably lighter, not just slightly. Ideally, you would take note of when you first watered it, and then when it needed watering, and then set a reminder for that time period for the next watering. So if it takes 17 days the first time, then you can just set that reminder for the next one. It may vary from month to month, as cooler days tend to have less humidity in the air and might need watering more often (or the plants may hibernate a bit and need less water) so you would hopefully check the pots each time. That is the more time-consuming way, although it is also more likely to work well.

    12. Sparkly Librarian*

      I’ve become very ambitious! Time with dirt and plants in the backyard is helping my soul during this time, so it looks a LOT better than it has the last… two years. Unfortunately, I am not original in this, so delivery of (some of) the seeds and starts is delayed, and I really want to get them in the ground! So far I’ve planted, in pots and raised beds: basil, zucchini, onion kitchen scraps, marigolds, sage, borage, salvia, lemon balm, lemon verbena, mint, cornflower, calendula, nasturtium, cosmos, poppies. Some cover crop in the unused beds. Started seeds for more marigold, feverfew, watermelon. Waiting on pea, carrot, lettuce, and spinach seeds, tomato starts in May, and some bulbs. Repotted some succulents (including a new prickly pear!). Plus I have other seeds it’s not time to start yet (beets, broccoli, cauliflower, onions). It’s my birthday next week, and I decided to finally subscribe to the garden planner app I’ve been using with a free trial every spring for, like, 5 years. I am probably being ridiculous, but I’m refusing to feel that way right now.

      1. Venus*

        It’s not ridiculous! Food is an essential service, and it is important for us to start growing our own if we are willing and able. I am really impressed with your diversity, and would need an app or something if I was that ambitious. Good luck!

    13. Dahlia Enthusiast*

      I got started on my ‘Spring Project’ now my ‘Isolation Project’; building a raised bed for a vegetable garden. I’ve got the frame constructed, and soil ordered for delivery this week. I usually get vegetable starts rather than seed, so I’ll probably head to the garden centre next week. I’m really excited by how it’s all coming together.
      The dahlia tubers are waking up, some are even sprouting. My club has cancelled our annual tuber sale, so I can probably start planting them in a week or two. The bed is half prepped, maybe when I’m filling the raised bed, I’ll get the momentum to go turn over the rest of it. I hope our dahlia show will still be able to go ahead later this year.

    14. Venus*

      My tomato and pepper seedlings continue to make progress. I feel that they are likely a couple weeks delayed as I wish that I had planted them sooner, as the season is a couple weeks warmer than it is in other years, yet I can’t change that so I’m just thankful that I managed to get the seedlings started indoors. It took me a while to arrange to get the potting soil, which didn’t help. Yet I don’t know how easy it will be to get tomato seedlings this spring so at least I will have something.

      I haven’t yet cleaned my garden as I have read that the insects (bees in particular) overwinter in the leaves and stems, so I’m waiting until we have at least a few consecutive days of +50F before I do a lot of work. That definitely won’t be this week, but maybe the next? It isn’t much fun to work in the cold, so I don’t mind having an excuse to wait.

    15. Arts Akimbo*

      OMG OMG OMG– I am growing a garden this year, for the first time ever!!! It all started when our grocery store was out of potatoes and onions for weeks, and I swore that once they got some in, I would sprout some. Well, it has been like two weeks and I have scallions thriving in jelly jars, growing beautiful roots and putting out enough greens that I’ve been able to harvest the top 1/3s! My onion-bottoms are sending down roots and sending up green shoots, and the potato eyes are sneakily testing the air with tiny sprouts! Plus, I rescued some wild allium from my neighbors who were weeding, and I got four tiny cloves off them already! I’m trying celery and radish next! Oh, and I’ve started a small kitchen compost bin, with my eye on making a larger one to go outside!

      ALL the exclamation points! I am so excited!!

      Now I need some dirt so I can grow these veggies properly. I’m thinking of mail-ordering. I’d rather do potting soil and containers than risk my urban dirt, because the houses around here were built in the 1920s and most had lead paint originally, some of which is surely in the soil.

  43. Anon baby woes*

    I went to bed very late last night and today my baby decided to wake me up two hours earlier than usual but won’t eat lying down while I half asleep, won’t settle on my shoulder, won’t settle at all,so I should really get out of my cozy bed and go onto the couch where it is cold and lonesome so at least my husband can sleep.

    Not the baby’s fault, it’s probably something I ate or fed her last night giving her the tummy rumbles but I SO BADLY NEED THE SLEEP. That is all.

    2. Elf*

      Please don’t attribute all your baby’s behavior to your actions. That is super unhealthy and piling on a ton of unnecessary mom guilt. Babies will baby (and a lot of the time the cause/effect has nothing to do with you, like growth spurt/teething/bad vibes/The Force/what have you). Be kind to yourself. (Also, maybe send your husband to the couch with the baby unless that is absolutely precluded by how she is fed). Solidarity on the baby mornings! This too shall pass!

    4. J.B.*

      Hugs. After you let your husband get a bit of sleep, I want you to wake him up and go back to bed yourself.

  44. Retail not Retail*

    I tried a scarf around my face at the store Tuesday and felt quite ridiculous as it was 80 degrees and I was in shorts and flipflops. I ended up only keeping it on for the face to plexiglass screen interaction at the pharmacy.

    What was alarming was how people were clearly taking masks and the official fewer people in the store as a reason to come in big groups and not even try being distant.

    Then my mom bought some homemade ones and we wore them yesterday to interact with an at-home dog groomer (she gets shaggy around the eyes!). It felt equally ridiculous to pull up to this house in the country and say “okay, masks on.” Super shady!

    I also had a horrible allergy induced coughing fit later and it remains a southern spring so it’s just hot.

    1. nep*

      I’ve read experts express concern that mass wearing of masks will make people complacent about physical distancing, which it likely will to an extent.

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, I think it’s one of those behaviors that affects different people different ways and at different times, so it’s really tough to assess just what the impact will be on spread in advance.

      2. Grace*

        When I went shopping last week, it was definitely the people wearing masks(/scarves/balaclavas) who didn’t care about stepping into my personal space to reach past me and grab things. Those of us who didn’t have one were all keeping our distance and waiting for people to move before picking things up.

      3. lazy intellectual*

        I think this is partly why the US CDC initially told us NOT to wear masks (plus due to production shortage.) I think they are suggesting it as an extra precaution now that we are more or less on lockdown and reaching peak mortality numbers.

      4. RagingADHD*

        On my grocery run yesterday, the people in masks were all being extra careful. I have a homemade mask, and except for the aisle where I mixed up the one-way route, I was careful too.

        All the oblivious space-invaders were sans mask. (Though some people without masks were also being careful.)

    2. TimeCat*

      Someone just walked into me (I was standing still waiting for my turn at the milk). I couldn’t believe it. How are you paying that little attention?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Jeez. Do that to me and I’m gonna yell.
        I was tempted to write BACK OFF on my disposable masks, but I don’t want to inhale Sharpie fumes.

    3. LGC*

      You know, I’d be my usual snarky self that I am off AAM about the absurdity of this (and I salute you for doing the right thing!), but…sigh. At least in my area, it seems like people are finally taking things more seriously. (Only 2000+ dead to get it done. Small price to pay. And yes, this is dripping with sarcasm.)

      Anyway – I’m glad you have an actual mask now, since I can’t imagine wearing a scarf around my face in 80 degree weather! From what I’ve heard – and in my area we’re required to – you should keep your face covering on for at least the entire time you’re in the store.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I had to go out today (yay!!!), but I did wear a mask. I HATE the mask. It’s hot, and stuffy, and annoying. But I will wear it. Not even half of people I saw were wearing them, but I would prefer to be part of the solution. So I wore the mask, and I washed my hands, and now I will stay at home.

    5. Ann O.*

      Something I’ve realized through talking to more casual contacts on Facebook is that a significant amount of people are confused about the primary mode of transmission. All the talk about hand washing and sanitizing packages/disinfecting groceries has led them to believe that the primary mode of transmission is contact based instead of from breathing in viral-bearing droplets. So they’re very concerned about touching things, but they don’t really understand the reason for maintaining space.

      Also, not everyone is good at visualizing space. 6 feet turned out to be way closer than I realized, so I’m sure there are others who have the reverse. Mine is obviously less risky, but it wasn’t a choice.

      I think the public messaging on all of this has been horrible. For example, I wonder how many of these close being mask wearers understand that the purpose of their DIY mask is to protect other people from them rather than to protect them from other people.

      For what it’s worth trading anecdotes, where I am, mask wearers tend to be very respectful of space.

    6. Alexandra Lynch*

      I more or less do a sort of hijab thing, but the three reasons I touch my face all the time are: scar on my forehead that does that itch/burn/wrongfeeling thing that scars do when the nerves are regrowing; small wisps of hair that tickle me and need to be smoothed back; push my glasses back up.
      Turns out a scarf tied low on my forehead not only keeps the wisps back but the steady pressure across the scar shuts it up. So I just pin the long tail across my face, and there we go. I can knock my glasses back into line with my arm.

      1. Clisby*

        I saw a young woman with a hijab-like mask in the grocery store a couple of days ago. No idea whether she regularly wears a hijab and sort of adjusted it for this purpose, or if she just thought, hmmm, that would work.

  45. Ali G*

    OK I have a dilemma. I’ve been getting a produce delivery every other weekend to reduce our need to go to the store. In my last 2 orders I didn’t get items I ordered. It’s not usually a big deal, typically they know and either don’t charge you or give you a credit back to your card. Well I’ve emailed them 3 times to get my credits with no response. I even called and their VM basically said we are so busy we are not answering the phone or returning messages so email us. They keep sending out notes letting us know they are busy “but we will answer your email within 24 hours.” But they haven’t. It’s not a lot of money, and I get they are slammed, but at least acknowledge me!
    So my issue is, we need produce and I was going to do an order so we don’t have to go to the store this week (We have plenty of stuff otherwise), but I am so annoyed. I don’t want to keep giving them money when they haven’t paid me back what they owe me!
    What should I do? I have to put my order in by 9 pm on Monday if I want my delivery.

    1. food*

      I had this exact experience and usually get a credit in an hour and had fairly given up on my credit (it was one small item), but almost 3 weeks after my contacting them, they credited me. I think they are really overwhelmed and working with a reduced staff.

      1. valentine*

        If there isn’t a different and better service, place the order. If there’s a write-in section, say you’re owed x, and would accept it as a discount on this order. In future, maybe ask for a refund or account credit, because the latter’s probably easier for them and you’ll get it sooner.

        If it’s been more than two weeks or you’re nearing your payment due date, dispute the charge with the reason that you’re owed a refund. Unless their email form says no repeats, email them that you mean no harm, but you have to dispute it so you’re not stuck paying.

    2. fposte*

      If this is Instacart, I just got a credit from a failed order 3-4 weeks ago. They are slammed.

    3. LGC*

      It really depends on where you’re ordering from. Are you ordering from a large online service or a farm co-op? You have a few options:

      1) Continue ordering from them and run the risk of losing more money for the time being. I would personally be more inclined towards that if it’s a small business you’re ordering from, but I also get that you just don’t want to spend money you might not have.

      2) Order produce in a different way, if possible. Try getting in line with a different service. That one is extremely difficult, but it sounds like you’re really unhappy with this one right now.

      3) Do without produce delivery. You said you’re using this to reduce your need to go to the store, and you pick up produce every other week…so if you’re still going to the store, you might need to pick up produce as well on your trips. This might change if you’re using this to avoid going to the store entirely, or if you’re in an especially vulnerable group.

      I’d…be most inclined towards 1, since it seems like you actually have a set slot, which is worth its weight in gold right now. Keep track of your claims, and take them at their word that they’re slammed! And try to get your money back later, if it’s not too much of a burden for you to not get the credits immediately. If you’re working with a co-op or other small business, a lot of those are working on skeleton crews (because they’re required to) and are dealing with unprecedented volume. They literally might not be able to acknowledge your claims right now.

      (And…honestly, the same goes for Amazon Pantry, Instacart, Fresh Direct, or any of the other big names. But I’m especially passionate about the small businesses.)

    4. Bluebell*

      We are in New England and the last grocery store delivery was missing about 30% of what we ordered. However the invoice only credited us for about 20%. There were other things missing and I emailed them. If I don’t hear back by Monday I’ll call. Luckily the organic produce delivery we get has been pretty consistent.

      1. Ali G*

        Thanks all! It’s a local mom and pop outfit that I’ve been a member of forever. So yes I am very lucky because they now have a waitlist and I can get a delivery any Wednesday I want as long as I order by 9 pm Mondays.
        I am going to do an order and just have faith they will make me whole at some point. Fingers crossed!

    5. PollyQ*

      I had the same thing happen to me when I ordered groceries from my large regional chain, with at least $25 worth of stuff missing that I was charged for. I used their ‘contact me’ form to raise the issue, but haven’t heard anything back. At this point, I’m going to see if I can do a partial charge-back through my credit card.

      As to future shopping — I don’t know. I live in the SF bay area where things seem to have been slowing down, so maybe I’ll just go to the physical store? But I have a couple of those nasty underlying health conditions, so I’m still leery of going out at all.

  46. anxiety proxy*

    Where did you order your homemade masks from? there are so many places and prices, I find it totally overwhelming. I am making do with a bandanna, but it’s not the most solid and my elastic bands are not made to hold up a mask.

    1. Oxford Comma*

      I bought some on Etsy. Also from a company that I am not going to link because they went from a very reasonable price to exploitative prices the day after I ordered them and the quality was not great.

      Do you know anyone who sews? A few people at work have started making them and those have been the best yet.

      2. Teacher Lady*

        I also just ordered some from Etsy, I think they were $7 each? It was a seller that an acquaintance of mine (FB friend from high school) knows personally. Fingers crossed for a quality product! We are lucky enough to be able to avoid going out to places with many people more than once every two weeks, but anything we can do within reason is worth doing.

    3. Retail not Retail*

      We ordered from a local woman – check neighborhood groups on nextdoor or facebook

    4. Generic Name*

      I got some from Etsy, and I gave some fabric to a friend to make a bunch, and she’s giving me 2.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Locally, one of the dry cleaners (who would also usually do tailoring and repairs) is selling them as an attempt to stay in business (for obvious reasons, demand for getting things dry cleaned is way down). You might check with your local tailoring and dry cleaning places.

      I sewed some myself using the directions from here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/mrks-no-pattern-35679762 , which is the simplest pattern I’ve found so far. It’s all straight seams and I was able to do it without ironing since it used gathers rather than pleats. (I have no idea what happened to my iron. I last clearly remember using it 3 moves ago for a different sewing project, and that was over a decade ago. I’m pretty sure I do, in some sense, still own an iron and an ironing board, but I couldn’t locate them quickly and they may be in my mother’s basement.)

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I read that shop towels are better filters than cloth. I’ve been making these: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edQAHCRTIVQ.
      Walmart had everything except the shop towels, but I found some at the auto parts store. I make two at a time and put them in a plastic bag in my purse (and I made some for Mum too). Twist ties would probably work better, but the paper clips are okay, and I didn’t think of that when I got the supplies.

      They’re easy to make and work fine for the infrequent shopping trip. We tied a Target bag outside by the trash bin so the used and possibly contaminated masks don’t come into the house.

    7. Natalie*

      I picked Etsy as well, but filtered results to show people from my state. Initially I was just hoping to spend my money locally and avoid resellers, but as a bonus the local sewists were shipping immediately and the mailing time was quick. The masks arrived in 2 days. So that’s my additional suggestion if you chose Etsy.

    8. Not a cat*

      I ordered 2 masks 2 weeks one still hasn’t been mailed and the other is in a USPS shipping-fail loop between NJ and MA (I am in CA) for a week. Hence, I am still using a bandana.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      There are instructions online for a no-sew mask with ties using a T-shirt. A double layer of fabric is preferred. Fabric you can see through is too porous for an effective mask. (As a reminder, masks for the public are to protect others from YOUR germs, not vice-versa. So, please be careful out there.)
      Those who sew can make their own. The masks I’m making and giving away to health care workers have 2 layers of 100% pre-washed and -dried quilting cotton and a pocket inside for a disposable non-woven layer. The mask has 3 pleats. Straps are apparently not as hygienic as elastic ear loops but elastic might make ears sore with extended use. Machine washing and drying after every use is ideal, so durability is a plus. The mask design I’m using is recommended by “Sew to Save” organizations.
      Hope this info helps.

  47. Unwanted hair*

    Low-stakes, non virus question: I’m an early-40s fair-skinned cis-woman. I have zero grooming rituals except lotion, chapstick, and pulling a few stray eyebrow hairs. I’m not especially eager to change that except…facial hair. The mustache hairs are mostly fine-textured but are dark enough to be visible. When I use a little trimmer to take them off, it’s a noticeable difference. There are a few chin follicles that have converted to bristly hairs that I pluck when I feel them. But I know this isn’t going to get better (I assume I’m pre-pre-menopausal, as this is the only change so far). What do I do? Is it true that plucking hairs makes them come back coarser? If I try to wax them will I burn myself? I know there’s an entire YouTube worth of beauty tips out there but it’s overwhelming to wade through. Realistically I am not going to go to a salon. Equally realistically, I can only get away with wearing a mask all the time for the next few months! So, I’m asking for anecdata from you friendly folks: lowest-effort, least-likely-to-make-it-worse hair removal tips. Thank you!

    1. Arwennen*

      No, plucking doesn’t make hairs come back courser – if anything it makes them thinner, finer and fairer in my experience. As for waxing, it depends on how well you can follow the instructions and do it safely – no reason to assume you’d burn yourself unless you are careless, but they make cold wax strips you can use if you are concerned. You can shave, if you are willing to keep it up. Depilatory creams are also an option. Personally I’d go for a epilator tool as it’s quick and easy, but they can be a little uncomfortable (less so than waxing but more than just plucking).

      I would think about what kind of upkeep and what kind of discomfort you are willing to handle, and narrow down the options that way. You don’t necessarily have to commit to one method; you can test out those that might appeal to you and see what works.

      1. On a pale mouse*

        Pretty sure the reason for the myth about hair removal making the hair come back stronger is that the times people start noticing and removing hair are exactly the times when hair is growing thicker/darker naturally: puberty, menopause, or medical conditions that affect hair growth. It’s not that the action made the hair change, it’s that the hair change made you start doing the action.

    2. rkz*

      You can buy bleach cream at the store (usually in the same aisle as other hair removal products like razors and shaving cream). I only use it when I start to notice dark hairs, for me once every three or four weeks. You just follow the directions to mix it and leave it on for 10 minutes or so. When you first start you’ll just need to test it to make sure you dont get a skin reaction or anything.

      1. Ron McDon*

        Can I just caution that this depends on the thickness/length of the hair you’re bleaching?

        My sister bleaches her upper lip hair – but because the hair is quite long and there’s a lot of it, it looks like a blond moustache; very noticeable.

        I have very dark, coarse hair. I shave my upper lip every week or so. It’s quick and easy, and my husband doesn’t complain about stubble, before you ask! :)

    3. Alex*

      I used the little wax strips you can just buy in the shaving aisle. No heat needed. You just open them, rub them with your hands, stick them on your face, give a little rub, and rip them off. Wipe with the wipes that come with it or a little baby oil. Takes less than five minutes.

      Hurts for a second but it’s not bad. Been doing it for years. No, it doesn’t grow back darker.

    4. Pucci*

      If you can afford it, and when the world returns to normal, electrolysis works well. Requires several to many appointments to clear everything, but I found it so worth it.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        Yeah, I’m actually considering that. Now that I am post-meno, a few hairs on the chin and lip are becoming quite stubborn. Ugh! Fortunately, they’re small enough that electrolysis would be a good option to get rid of for good.

        You can buy a electrolysis device. But I wonder if they really work as well?

        1. jleebeane*

          I bought a laser hair remover off of QVC, of all places, a few years ago, from the brand Tria Beauty. I’ve found I have to use it on the highest setting to see any difference at all and I still go through periods where I’ll use it once every couple of weeks or so.

          But for both stubborn, coarse facial hair and my underarms, it’s worked REALLY well. I have one small area of underarm hair left and I feel like you can’t even see it until it gets to be over 1/4 inch long (where before I used to feel like you could see the under-the-skin stubble even from the second I shaved).

          The pain isn’t too bad and the prices was much cheaper than going to a salon (although for a much less powerful laser, of course) and it’s much more quarantine-friendly!

    5. A New Normal*

      Another vote for those little wax strips. I did finally get a wax warmer to deal with my eyebrows since they’re bushy even by today’s large-eyebrow trends but for years before that I used the cool wax strips and they’re great! I just found it hard to shape my eyebrows with them hence the switch to hot wax.

      But for the upper lip those little strips are perfect. As for the results – my upper lip has gotten worse with the years but I think that has everything to do with my age (almost 40) and not the waxing. If anything, all the waxing has made it easier to remove those hairs. The first few times I waxed was PAINFUL and a lot of the hairs refused to budge but now it’s mostly pain-free and those thin, dark hairs just peel off. I thought it was my technique and then I tried waxing my legs and, no, no it’s not.

      I have burned myself with the hot wax, now that I’ve switched to that, but never badly and it’s always because I’m rushing things and not checking the temp or noticing the consistency. At worst it’s a bit of redness and soreness like a light, light sunburn that’s gone by the next day. But if you go with the cool wax strips (my recommendation for the upper lip area), that’s not an issue at all.

    6. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’ve had a few whiskers here and there for years; I’m now 45 so I assume it’s just going to get worse. I tried the home waxing strips once and peeled off the top layer of skin with it, so I haven’t done that again! Honestly I just pluck them sometimes, or else just shave them off in the shower using the razor I use on my legs. I’m blonde and pale and this seems to work well enough for me.

    7. Rollergirl09*

      Electrolysis isn’t particular effective for fair skinned or lighter haired people, plus it is spendy.

      Under normal circumstances I get waxed at a local waxing salon. She only does wax. But for low maintenance DIY, use Olay Smooth Finish Hair Removal Cream.

    8. On a pale mouse*

      The waxes I’ve tried irritate my face and make me break out, so if you try wax, test a small patch somewhere it’ll be less annoying than right around your mouth. Also there are cold wax strips so you don’t have to worry about burns. I pluck the few large dark hairs, and let the rest grow until they seem noticeable and then shave them with an electric razor. (53, surgical menopause four years ago, and before that I only had one weird chin hair to deal with.) Bleach wouldn’t suit me: you know that feeling when there’s a loose hair and it’s annoying because it’s tickling your lip and you brush it away? One day I realized the reason it wasn’t brushing away was that it wasn’t a hair escaped from my head, it was attached to my lip! So razor or tweezing for me.

    9. RagingADHD*

      I find the wax strips very good for the upper lip. Not effective on the chin. Those I pluck.

    10. Been there!*

      Hello fellow fair-skinned person in her 40s! I’m in the later end of mine, and after a few years of regular plucking (and breaking out every time) some years ago I finally went with electrolysis. It’s not cheap or fun, but it is permanent (more or less, some hairs take a few tries), so after a number of sessions to get the hairs you have currently, from then on you just go in occasionally (every six months-ish) to clean things up. I’ll warn you that the facial hair will get much worse (in number and pigmentation) as you get closer to menopause, so you’re smart to be thinking about it now.

    11. voluptuousfire*

      I’m in the same boat–40ish cis, fair skinned woman. I usually get my eyebrows and upper lip waxed, but I’ll just likely shave whatever bits I have right now. I also get a weird patchy spot under my chin. I call it my beard. :) I just shave that too.

      Eyebrows will be plucked.

    12. DistantAudacity*

      I use an epilator every month or so (or when I remember) on my upper lip. I use a Braun Facial Epilator (there are some variations, and sometimes it’s packaged with a cleanser brush (which I don’t use)).

      Very simple and easy, takes 2-3 minutes. It’s slightly uncomfortable, but mostly the first time or two.

      And no, as others have mentioned, it does not grow back more coarsely.

      Ah – the joys of aging!

    13. Thankful for AAM*

      You said no salons and I’m bad at getting to them, but I do love threading if you can find a place near you that does it.

      I mostly shave and only pluck the very thick coarse ones, but I also get threaded when it is very convenient for me. I do a walk in or call when I am shopping nearby.

    14. Unwanted hair*

      Thank you all! Now I have some ideas about what to even look for when standing in that aisle of the store (after non-essential shopping is allowed again). I’ve never minded that I know nothing about beauty rituals (or, especially, how to act or what to ask for at a salon!) but this was leaving me feeling weirdly helpless and uncertain. I appreciate the reassurance and down-to-earth advice!

    15. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

      I have had a few of these hairs on and off since I was about 25 (I’m getting on for 40 now) and had numerous blood tests etc in that time which didn’t find anything… I just treat them as I find them, but it’s a myth that plucking them (or any other method) makes them come back coarser, it just seems that way. (but I’ve found that pulling them with tweezers does result sometimes in inflammation in the area a few days later).

      I attribute it to “adrenal fatigue” which I realize isn’t a mainstream accepted condition, but tallies with my history and the onset of this. Stress related in my case.

    16. allathian*

      I started growing a thick, light mustache and beard when I was pregnant. My skin is very sensitive and waxing would be too much for me, but normally I go to a salon once a month for a facial sugar treatment. Gets rid of the hair and it’s less stressful on the skin than waxing. It isn’t very expensive either, my beautician charges about 20 bucks for it. A small price to pay for the confidence a beardless face gives me!
      Now it’s been about 6 weeks since my last appointment and I’m really disliking the beard, but as I’m at home all the time and not seeing anyone outside my family, I’m not too worried. My husband doesn’t care, I do the treatments for me. The hairs are also light and thin enough that I’m not worried they’d be visible on video.

  48. Retail not Retail*

    Is anyone taking advantage of the partial free HBO?

    I watched McMillions which was hilarious and enraging. Now I’m tearing through the Wire, the first show since Killing Eve I’ve done that with.

    I don’t know how long this will last so I better get watching. And I’m almost 20 years late but DANG is it good (minus the treatment of women. Alas)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There’s a couple of the documentaries they have that I’ll probably watch at some point. :)

    2. TimeCat*

      I just watched From Earth to the Moon, a 90s series on the Apollo missions. It’s pretty fun because they cover the less known ones. It is very very 90s, though.

    3. Captain Kirk*

      I watched Pokemon Detective Pikachu, because I’d read on Ars that it was a good video game movie adaptation, and I wasn’t wanting to spend the money on renting it. I’ve never been into Pokemon, except from what I saw playing Super Smash Bros on the N64 growing up, but it was a decently entertaining movie. I might watch it again just to see snarky Pikachu that has a coffee problem.

      Another documentary on there, which I’d seen for free by signing up for an HBO trial, I wanted to watch it so bad, was the Bad Blood documentary about Elizabeth Theranos. That was a well-done documentary, and I’d strongly encourage it!

    4. Atchafalaya*

      We tore through The Wire too. It was so heartbreaking throughout. The end just about killed me. Those kids, man, they ripped my heart out.

  49. MuttIsMyCopilot*

    Anybody need some moisturizing hand sanitizer? Someone on another site suggested this brand: asiamnaturally.com, and I ordered one for me and one for a friend. It’s a little bit fancy, which makes me feel like I’m not taking basic supplies away from essential workers who really need it.

    After I ordered they sent me a referral link that gets you $5 off your first order (and a credit for me for anyone who orders via that link).
    http://i.refs.cc/BuEdVY84?smile_ref=eyJzbWlsZV9zb3VyY2UiOiJzbWlsZV91aSIsInNtaWxlX21lZGl1bSI6IiIsInNtaWxlX2NhbXBhaWduIjoicmVmZXJyYWxfcHJvZ3JhbSIsInNtaWxlX2N1c3RvbWVyX2lkIjo0NzA5NTkwMTZ9

  50. Reba*

    Sporty people! Running people!

    I’m not really one of you :) but I’d like to hear about any experiences with mobility drills and self-administered trigger point therapy.

    Since October, my exercise habits have been seriously disrupted (ballet and yoga, hiking) due to traveling a lot for work, holidays, and general life chaos. Now, working from home it’s even further reduced as I’m not even getting the 30 min of daily walking that were part of my commute.

    I’ve long had muscle pains and spasms, especially in my back. I have kept up with PT exercises in, admittedly, a desultory fashion. But pain has been pretty dire the past couple weeks.

    I have now ordered a spiky ball and foam roller, hopefully arriving today. Researching trigger point and dynamic joint mobilizations. As bad as ballet is on the body in some ways, I realize it also includes a lot of de facto joint mobilization exercises.

    ANYWAY what works for you for recovery and pain relief? Thanks for any tips, commiseration, etc. etc.

    1. fposte*

      If you haven’t already, I really recommend getting your hands on Clair Davies’ Trigger Point Workbook–he’s the original guy on trigger points, and the workbook is very layperson-friendly.

      My foam roller is my best quarantine companion.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      How’s your hydration levels? If you water intake each day is on an uneven keel all kinds of nasty stuff goes on. Other people use different formulas, I take my weight and divide by 2. The resulting number is the number of ounces of water I should have each day.

      Next. How are your electrolytes? You can make your own electrolyte drink by combining 1/4 tsp each of sea salt, baking soda and sugar into 1 quart of water. I use a canning jar. This is in addition to your regular water. Lack of minerals is more nastiness for the body to endure.

      How’s the veggies? I knew better and foolishly I was skipping veggies a lot. oh boy. I went from one problem to another with my back. I have often thought that raw veggies were especially helpful. Different color veggies have different vitamins/nutrients try to work in as many colors as you can.

      I also like Gaia brand Turmeric, to keep pain levels down. You should check before just jumping in and buying this though. And you do need to get a bit of a build up in your system before it fully kicks in. I used it regularly when I had my teeth pulled and I was very surprised at how little else I had to take to get through the process.

      I have had great luck with a TENS unit. You can buy them OTC now. You kind of have to learn how your body wants you to use them. Sometimes I put them right on the pain. Other times I have to put them on either side of the pain. There are many days where they allowed me to function when not much else would.

      And I know first hand chasing these things and nailing them down can give a person plenty of exercise! ;) Good luck, I hope something kicks in for you very soon.

    3. J.B.*

      I have various implements – foam roaller, softball, lacrosse ball, and spiky massage ball. Each is better for different things, and I roll muscles every day. The lacrosse ball is best for IT band. Spiky ball is best for neck and shoulders. If you google mobility mastery, there were some foam roller suggestions (although I go in with the other devices). You might see what Pilates and barre exercises you can get online, lots of places have some stuff. A local studio has classes where you venmo the instructor directly.

  51. Planned Covid Baby*

    Like Ola above, I just found out I’m pregnant!

    Does anyone have any suggestions for good blogs or books to read to prepare? There are so many! Anything practical without being too preachy?

    I’d say I’m open to slightly crunch-granola style parenting (cloth diapers, no iPads) but turned off by super “hippie” advice (using elderberry syrup to stop your kid’s illness instead of taking them to the doctor, anti-vax, etc.) if that helps at all.

    1. Elf*

      Advice Smackdown on Alphamom.

      That will be right up your alley, your style sounds pretty similar to mine.

      Also, cloth diapers are awesome but I will not digress because I have literally taught whole classes about them.

      Congratulations!

      1. Analyst Editor*

        Seconded that she’s a good advice for if you wanna be more crunchy.

        I read her for a while but eventually great away from it. I think she has great material on some issues – e.g. she does cloth diapers and makes her own kids’ food, and does a ton of research regarding any question she doesn’t know about. Had three kids, some with special needs, so she has a lot of relevant experience.

        I remember disagreeing with some of her takes pretty strongly, but I am not crunchy at all…. Worth a read.

        There are other columnists on alphamom and I’d say Amalah is the best.

    2. Generic Name*

      I had my son 13 years ago, and even back then I found a lot of internet advice so polarized. It felt like every possible choice turned into a moral declaration and there were no shades of grey. I’m not sure there is a section about babies, but I usually enjoy reading articles on scarymommy. I think my attitudes towards parenting are similar to yours. I cloth diapered until it was too gross (breastfed baby poop is very innocuous, but once they start eating solid foods it’s rank and nothing you want to “simply scrape off” and then launder). I wore my son constantly, but honestly, if he would have tolerated being put down, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been holding him all the damn time. But really, don’t put too much stock in stuff you read. Every baby is different, and there is no one right way to parent. If there were, there would just be one book and one website!

      1. Anonnington*

        Not a parent, but I think it is funny that people get so passionate and polarized about these (relatively) minor choices.

        I’m the older kid. I got cloth diapers and tofu. My brother, three years later, got disposable diapers and a standard omnivore diet. He did turn out more conservative and he has always eaten meat whereas I lean veg and am more crunchy in general. So there is that. But I would say we’re both equally healthy and productive as members of society. There weren’t any obvious consequences of one option vs the other.

    4. Analyst Editor*

      Congratulations!
      I would recommend surveying your close female relatives about how their pregnancies went — you might (but won’t necessarily) have similar experiences.

      A generic week-by-week to know the symptoms as the pregnancy progresses is very helpful, but with the caveat that there will be at least one random symptom that is special to you, maybe your mom and sisters, that a dozen moms on the internet forums all had but nobody in the medical establishment has ever heard of.

      For child-rearing books, my mom swears by Dr. Benjamin Spock. I haven’t gotten to him yet, but he’s fallen out of favor these days and that is usually a recommendation for me, lol.

    5. rkz*

      I dont know if you’re looking to prepare for pregnancy or parenting, but I’m currently 28 weeks and found emily oster’s “Expecting Better” to be one of the best things I read for a well informed but low stress pregnancy (well, you know, until COVID hit lol). Shes big on giving you info so you can make your own decisions. She does also have a book about parenting that I havent read yet. Congratulations!!

        1. Carlottamousse*

          Thirding Emily Oster’s books. Both are very informative. I’m also a huge fan of Lucie’s List, an online informative blog that doles out information without too many biases so you can make up your own mind. I also liked the book Bringing up Bebe, which is more anectdotal but also generally informative.

      2. Natalie*

        She actually has a newsletter, so there’s even some Covid-specific stuff available. We found it super helpful after cancelling our baby shower and not being able to do as much shopping. She had one newsletter about the bare minimum you need that I found really helpful and calming.

    6. Ranon*

      In podcasts, Longest Shortest Time is no longer active but the archives are wonderful, and One Bad Mother is great but for pregnant people best started from the beginning when the hosts were pregnant.

    7. J.B.*

      I loved loved loved baby carriers, there are lots of different styles and people get really emotional about it. A mei tai looked intimidating with the sashes but was really flexible and useful for a baby up to one year old. Not much good once my kid was heavier and walking, but walking so no longer interested. Congratulations!

    9. Emma*

      Congratulations!

      The Reddit birth month forums (accessed through their larger Babybumps sub were great! I gave birth in 2018 and am still in touch with the women on mine.

      One note about cloth diapers- if you’ll be doing daycare, ask if they accept them. Mine doesn’t, so we mainly use them on weekends (and in quarantine!). And if you’re using daycare, it’s a good idea to search ASAP. Sometimes there are ridiculous waitlists. We got on one in at the beginning of my second trimester and I was lucky to get a spot. This varies hugely by daycare/area, and is another good thing to ask.

      Good luck!

  52. Try You Will*

    I commit today not to work.
    What I will do:
    Clean the kitchen and bathrooms.
    Change the sheets.
    Put away the clean laundry.
    A trip in the car to pick up food. (A little anxious about that)
    Knit
    Watch a Netflix thing.
    Read the new Roth galley.
    Be kind to Mr. Try.

    I Can Do This!

    1. PX*

      You can do it!

      If it’s nice weather where you are, you may also want to schedule some time to enjoy it if possible. Doorstep or balcony or window sunshine are all valid options. Take 5 minutes just to sit and enjoy it with a beverage of your choice :)

  53. Overwhelmed*

    To what extent can the Covid-19 situatio be used as a reason not to repair anything? My garbage disposal and dryer are both not working. I ran out of quarters to use on the dryers in the laundry room and my nearest bank is closed for the duration. The management (or I suspect rather the answering service they hired) say they won’t send anyone inside an apartment except for certain narrowly defined emergencies.

    I feel like everything is falling apart.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      My apartment management has said the same thing, and I don’t blame them one bit.

      A lot of people in my complex are not practicing social distancing. They are using this time to party and visit. It’s irresponsible and dangerous.

    2. StellaBella*

      Do you have a fan? And a way to hang wet laundry? If so, hang it wet, place the fan so it blows on it, dry in no time, like 2-3 hrs. Garbage disposal, no idea. Good luck!

    3. TimeCat*

      The refill valve on my toilet is acting up. I have been googling videos on fixing it but am scared I will make it worse.

        1. TimeCat*

          It’s not triggering to refill the back consistently. If I lift the little lever it’ll go but not on it’s own all the time. Sometimes it will trigger on its own but an hour after the toilet was last flushed.

          1. Jedi Squirrel*

            That’s really weird. The “little lever”‒is this the one inside the tank? Is anything caught under it?

            1. TimeCat*

              The one inside the tank. I don’t think anything is caught on it. My googling suggests it might be clogged?

              1. Jedi Squirrel*

                That’s a possibility.

                Unless your toilet is really old, you can replace all the guts fairly easily. Of course, that means going out to a hardware store. If you can tolerate this for a few more weeks, that might be a good option.

                1. TimeCat*

                  Yeah it’s an apartment but they are only doing major maintenance right now. Given I.could just leave the lid off and manually trigger it, I might just do that for now.

    4. WellRed*

      Go to a different bank or the grocery store for quarters. Garbage disposals are a nice to have but not a necessity.

      1. On a pale mouse*

        If you only have one sink and the garbage disposal gets clogged, then fixing it is a necessity. If it just won’t go, then yeah, you can just not put scraps in there.

        I know from experience that sometimes when it won’t run, it is just stuck and the maintenance person has a little tool they use to turn it from the bottom and unstick it. Is that tool something one can get at a reasonable price from a home improvement place? I suspect it’s actually just a hex wrench but haven’t ever had a chance to look closely or ask.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          Yep, it’s called a jam wrench and you use it turn the disposal clockwise and then counter-clockwise to break up any jams. Do be sure to unplug your disposal first!

          I have sometimes found that depending what you dispose of, it can pass through the disposal and clog the pipe where it attaches to the other sink. If the disposal will run, and the sink will drain, only very, very slowly, this is probably the case, and you can clear the jam by taking apart the plumbing under the other sink.

          If it won’t run at all, check the circuit breaker or see Willow’s suggestion below.

    5. Willow*

      I thought my garbage disposal was broken once but then I found a little reset button on it (under the sink) and pressing it fixed the problem. No idea if that applies to you but I thought I’d mention it just in case.

    6. RC Rascal*

      Garbage disposals aren’t that expensive & aren’t that hard to change out. There are a lot of YouTube videos showing you now.

      Warning: they are heavy & a bit unwieldy do it might take you & a friend. Gravity helps you get if off ; but it’s hard to old 12-15 lbs in place and screw it in at the same time.

  54. Retail not Retail*

    Anybody else have pets that are Over(tm) this corn teen nonsense? At least I’ll be going back to work Tuesday but my mom is here all day every day and the dog has to keep an eye on her, so she’s not getting her required sleep in on mom’s bed. (She has to sleep in the room my mom is in because obviously.)

    She’s also not happy because my mom and I aren’t watching TV together (me reading) so she has to split her time between 2 rooms.

    And I want to walk more than she does, especially since I took this week off!

    The zoo animals want you back, the domestic animals want you gone.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Maybe it depends on their living situation. The zoo near me has no pandas, but it does have things set up so that animals can go somewhere and not be viewed if they feel like it.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          By the way, this is worth looking up. A zoo in Hong Kong has a pair of pandas that haven’t mated in 10 years….and they dI’d pretty much as soon as the zoo closed to the public.

    3. Anono-me*

      Our puppy dog is missing puppy playtime and pets from people when we go to the pet store and on walks. He literally crys when we walk past friends on the other side of the street. (We do the “Hi, How’s it going?/Good and you? /Good. Bye./Bye.” Conversation and keep walking with the dog looking back and making this soft pitiful keening sound for about 200 or 300 feet.

      Puppy gets more walks, cuddles, tummy ribs and earsrities now, but it doesn’t make up for missing time with friends.

    4. Ali G*

      The Dog is SO OVER it. He pretty much just stares at me all day while I work, wondering why I am so dang boring. And since he needs to follow me everywhere, he’s not getting his naps and is totally off schedule.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        You don’t have to follow me around! You can keep up your routine of naps and squirrel watching!

        But heaven forbid I try to sleep in. She wakes us up early every day. Me to take her on a walk, my mom to make sure I take her on a walk? I’m not quite sure her motivations.

        And my mom works as a special ed assistant so she probably won’t have a leave the house routine until august! The horror!

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My dog does not understand why we can’t go say hi to everyone, and is increasingly unwilling to go along with it. He is pretty sure that dog across the street does, in fact, also want dog sniff time, and doesn’t see any reason why we can’t make that happen.

      1. Long drives*

        Same. Our pup is going wild when we see another dog on our walks. New Best Friend Who Wants to Play! Usually she goes to the dog park every day, and we are a poor substitute.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My cats seem to think I’m just weird, so they’re doing their own thing. I do get Arwen sitting on me more often though. Jill is avoiding me because I’m the meanie who made her take her medicine (she was sick), so am working on re-establishing trust there. Ugh. Gonna take MONTHS.

      Arwen however is extremely Not Pleased that I’m working on repainting my bedroom. She’s musked it already.

    7. Natalie*

      We have one of each. Our first dog, who’s always been more independent, is over us being home all the time and likes to sleep downstairs by himself now. Our younger dog has always been more clingy, and he’s pretty much thrilled that there’s so many more opportunities to snuggle next to someone during his daily hours of sleep.

    8. Anonnington*

      My dog is a certified Velcro, but he misses his runs on the beach and cuddle time with random neighbors. He’s really cute. Usually, people ask to pet him and then he gets to snuggle. He’s acting like I’m keeping him from his exercise and social routine just to be mean. So we’re going for longer walks, as safely as possible. He loves it that I’m with him all the time, though. I swear he’s a chihuahua in a giant body; he would love it if I put him in a little bag and carried him everywhere with me. But he’s 60 pounds.

  55. Liv Jong*

    Hello everyone I was hoping someone with ZOOM experience could answer some questions for me, for a birthday beer pong tournament.

    For my husband and friend’s April birthdays we’re “hosting” a beer pong tournament, I put hosting in quotes becausei don’t have real internet.

    I’m currently living full time in a 5th wheel RV and only have cell phone hot-spots to use. In fact I know there will be a lot of cell phone users, is this a problem? Do we need to to find a co host to virtually host?

    I also wonder about the first few rounds of groups of four before we link into the the other rounds. Is this possible? We’re willing to put some no money into this, but I don’t want to get locked into a contract. Any guidance would be helpful, thanks!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      The free version of Zoom only allows for 40 minutes. Then everyone has to sign back in again.
      A friend checked it out against Skype and in our area Zoom won- better pic and better audio.

      1. Captain Kirk*

        The Zoom website still says only 40 minutes for the free version, but a couple of weeks back I hosted a birthday party on a free account and it went for about 2.5 hours with no problem. I had done a test meeting earlier to confirm there’d be no problem, and about the 40 minute mark I got a pop-up saying the limit had been waived.

      2. SJNB*

        If you do get kicked out after 40mins, everyone can just rejoin via the original meeting link, so it’s not too much of a pain

    2. On a pale mouse*

      It depends on the service you have, but I routinely use only cellular hotspot and the one time I have used Zoom it was fine. It’s not quite as good for some purposes as wired internet, but I think you’ll be able to do what you want. That said, I can definitely tell the last month that more people are using it at home because for my usual use (general browsing and YouTube) it’s noticeably slower or more glitchy at times. Still very usable, though I haven’t tried Zoom since all this started. And I bet the wired services are having that problem too, though it might be a little less. Hopefully someone with more Zoom knowledge can answer the rest, just wanted to give one data point that it can be okay over a cellular hotspot.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Can you explain what you mean by “I also wonder about the first few rounds of groups of four before we link into the the other rounds.”? I know nothing about beer pong so maybe this is obvious to everyone else, but I can’t tell what you’re saying here. I know Zoom has a way to do breakout rooms, so that might be a way to do smaller groups within a single Zoom meeting, but I have no idea how that works because I’ve never used that feature.

      I unfortunately know nothing about how easy or hard it is to cancel a zoom contract after a single month (it’s monthly for for paid accounts), since I don’t know anyone who both pays for their own account and has cancelled.

  56. Jedi Squirrel*

    Little Caesar’s Breadstick Dipping Sauce

    I came up with this accidentally while trying to make homemade pizza sauce.

    1 15-oz can tomato sauce
    1 tsp Italian seasoning
    1 tsp oregano
    1 tsp basil
    1/2 tsp granulated garlic

    Mix all together and leave at room temperature for an hour to use today or throw in the fridge to use tomorrow. This will probably also freeze okay.

    Also makes a good pizza sauce, as long you don’t use too much. Most pizza sauces are thickened with tomato paste. Enjoy!

    1. TimeCat*

      I used to work at a Little Caesars (over ten years ago, things may have changed) and we would make huge buckets of it. It was a package of tomato concentrate, oil, a spice packet, and water.

      We did make our own dough from scratch which apparently some pizza chains don’t do? I was shocked when I learned that because you’d think Little Caesars would be the lowest on the totem pole.

      I also learned people love doughy crazy bread. The way to make it like they want it (no color on it at all) is to bake dough that’s just been rolled out and hasn’t had it’s second rise at all. It’s so gross but people loved it.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Well, that explains why my bread sticks came out like bread sticks and not like Little Casear’s bread sticks! I’m going to make another batch of pizza dough today and try that! Thank you!

        (Lots of exclamation points, but I have really been missing those bread sticks!)

        1. TimeCat*

          Yeah my guess is people are used to that because when we were busy we would run through stuff so busy we wouldn’t have time to let the breadsticks rise. The pizza has more of a staggered setup so it would get more of a rise.

          It’s brushed with a butter garlic sauce after it comes out which is totally an industrial creation (but butter and garlic at home should work) and then salted with big grain salt immediately.

          You do the same butter/salt thing to the cheesy bread (which got Italian seasoning too) and the pepperoni cheese bread (no seasoning).

          We’d make random stuff when were were bored (ranch chicken wings, strange pizzas).

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      That and a copycat Olive Garden breadsticks recipe and my teen will be busy on Monday!

    3. Nervous Nellie*

      Oh, wow! This thread is making me so, so hungry! That’s a huge deal, because I have been too freaked out at my job loss to eat much lately. So Little Caesar’s is the key! Who knew? Thank you so much, Jedi Squirrel & TimeCat! I am going to make the best bread stick & sauce lunch today. Can’t thank you enough.

  57. TMI anon*

    TMI TMI TMI
    ……………………
    ……………………

    Ya’ll, my vulva has been itchy for three weeks and I do t know what to do. I’m asexual and not sexually active at all. As far as I can tell there are no bumps or discoloration, and I don’t have any other symptoms like discharge. Also, it’s worse at night for some reason? I’m out of ideas but really don’t want to video call my doctor with this one for obvious reasons

    1. VirginiaGirl*

      TMI – I had a similar problem back in December. I used gentle soap in that area and the itching went away.

      1. CoastGirl*

        Ditto. What worked for me was Cetaphil cleanser, I use that to clean the area every time I shower and it worked! The itchiness has never returned, been years now.

    2. Reba*

      Hey, it’s probably a yeast infection or bacterial infection. There may be no “cause” (ref. your sexual inactivity) other than hormonal cycle, something else going on in the body, mysteries etc. Yeast doesn’t always come with discharge. Worse at night is definitely I thing I have experienced too!

      Yeast is apparently overdiagnosed/overtreated per internet GYN Dr. Jen Gunter. BUT since over the counter yeast treatments are not expensive (in the US), maybe try that and see if it helps. If not, then a consult and a test for BV would likely be in order.

      In the meantime, if you have an anti-itch cream like hydrocortisone, you can try that on the exterior for some relief.

      This is so, so common I hope you will not be too embarrassed to speak to a doc about it! (I always remind myself that medical professionals have likely seen worse :) )

    3. Itching Is Terrible*

      Could it be dry skin or a skin condition? I have what is probably psoriasis (haven’t been to a dermatologist yet but it runs in my family) and my itchiest/flakiest spots are where I have hair. If the itchy spots are more exterior than interior you might try putting lotion on and seeing if that helps.

      If it’s itchy where you don’t have a lot of hair, could it be due to sweating? If I sweat a lot when I’m wearing a bra the skin under my breasts tends to get itchy/irritated. Maybe try not wearing underwear to bed for a few nights and see if that helps?

    4. fposte*

      That’s pretty common even outside of any disease process; skin is just fussy. Diet can sometimes be a factor; hormone changes can be a factor; moisture outside, nearby, or internally can be a factor. Domeboro gets recommended in a lot of places, and boric acid suppositories (might have to get those off of Amazon) can be helpful for ph issues.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Have you changed any household products or grooming products in the last month? Shower stuff, laundry detergent, deodorant? The first thing I would do is switch back to old brands if you have made changes, OR try switching to unscented/mild formulations of those kinds of products.

      Try to avoid any constricting clothing. Loose-fitting pants, cotton undies if possible, going without clothing on your lower half on occasion if that’s possible.

      OTC treatments for yeast are pretty low-impact, so I would try that next.

      Itching sometimes leads to scratching, which causes more inflammation and more itching. Try cool compresses to relieve your symptoms (if you use a damp washcloth, be sure to dry thoroughly afterward).

      1. valentine*

        Have you changed any household products or grooming products in the last month?
        Including TP or wipes. Pop-top wipes burn me.

        If you don’t usually remove hair but have, stop, or vice versa. If you haven’t already, take a mirror and check really well for bumps or other changes.

        A video call is much like an office visit. They’re not going to ask you to show them. (You could take a photo and email it, if that’s an option, but a description should be fine.) Is a non-video call possible, like a nurse advice line?

    6. What the What*

      This describes how a yeast infection generally presents for me. If you get up the courage, you can probably just tell the doctor’s office that you think you may have a yeast infection and they’ll prescribe Diflucan, which is a cheap pill, and makes treatment easy. But over the counter creams work too – just messier.

    7. On a pale mouse*

      Please don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about it, even over video call. That is their job. Go to YouTube and search Mama Doctor Jones 5 Things for a doctor telling you the same thing (it’s #5).

    8. RagingADHD*

      Try an OTC antifungal cream. Yeast “infections” aren’t really infections – it’s an overgrowth of the organisms that are a natural part of your microbiome.

      The imbalance can come from changes in your body’s pH levels due to diet, hormones, or medications. It can also come from things like staying in your workout clothes just a bit too long. Or if you’ve had to hand-wash everything lately, it might not be getting hot enough or dry enough.

      If you’re hand washing, try line drying in the direct sun, or using a blow dryer.

      The OTC stuff isn’t going to hurt you, even if that’s not the cause. So it’s a place to start.

      After that, try swapping out soaps & detergents to see if you’ve developed a sensitivity. You can be fine with a brand for years, and then become sensitive to it randomly.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Usually means yeast infection for me. If that doesn’t clear it, then doctor for bacterial infection rule-out (or treatment). Some of the boxes of yeast infection treatment come with the anti-itch cream as well, or you can buy it seperately.

    10. Good luck!*

      Oh, that’s so uncomfortable (also had that before without other typical accompanying symptoms). Because of stay-at-home and social distancing, sometimes our stress levels and even our “normal” diets go out of whack and we don’t even really take note of it (I, for one, bought Oreos for the first time EVER on a whim), which can mess with various balances within your body over time. Besides the other recommendations mentioned here (i.e. try the OTC cream and maybe a Monistat type thing to see if you find relief), but also look into a probiotic, which can help balance organism growth that causes the itchy symptoms after consistent use. I have one for women to help combat not just digestive balance, but also women’s health (UTIs, yeast, etc.). At night, when typically we’re not moving a lot to inadvertently “itch the itch”, it does get worse. Good luck, this is NO FUN!

    11. Kuododi*

      I’ll pass on what my Mama’s Dr said during one of Mama’s post op check ups.

      Dr stated that person’s naked body is not attractive under the bright hot OR lights.
      On a related topic. speaking about medical issues either as patient or healthcare provider, the need for honest clear communication is crucial. This gives an even better opportunity to work towards a positive recovery process.

      Think about this…the Dr/RN who provide your care have studied all of the clinical terms for the anatomy. (Including words such as p***s, v****a as well as a**s. Terms redacted here to be respectful of those who are truly uncomfortable with terms for intimate body parts.)

    13. baconeggandcheeseplz*

      Just wanted to say thanks for posting this, as I’ve been experiencing something similar but haven’t been able to figure out what it was!

  58. BuyingAHome*

    This is more a “sharing happy news” post and less an “advice” post.

    My husband and I are now under contract to buy a house! We are both excited and nervous since this is our first time buying a house. We realize that the overall timing isn’t great (thanks COVID-19!) but it’s unavoidable*.

    The home inspection is next week and if all goes well with the inspection and the appraisal our move-in date is the last week of May. The house is only 6 years old and when I toured it there didn’t seem to be any major issues. We looked at several houses and this one met our needs and was far and away the nicest house for the price. Even though I’ve watched a fair amount of HGTV I was less concerned about things like countertops, curb appeal (though this house does have nice curb appeal), and decor/paint color, and more concerned about things like location (for our commutes), amount of living space, age/condition of the home, and price. We feel good about the home and are looking forward to finally owning a home, being able to paint the walls a color other than white, and not sharing walls with other people!

    *Before people jump in to say that we shouldn’t be doing any of this because of COVID-19, I will ask that you don’t judge us without knowing our situation. We’re not doing this just for fun, we’re doing this because we have to.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Learn from my mistake. ..make sure the home inspector looks up over any drop ceilings. That hid some ongoing problems in our house!

      2. BuyingAHome*

        Thanks for the tip! I don’t think the house has any drop ceilings, but I’ll put it on the list of questions to ask the inspector. We chose someone with 25 years of experience, so hopefully he will be thorough. :)

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      I always get a kick out of those people on HGTV or house hunter type shows who don’t want to buy a house because they don’t like the color of the walls. It’s paint, people!

      Congrats on the house! No, this is not the ideal time, but OMG more space! Nobody bouncing on the ceiling!

      1. university minion*

        Yes, and their intros. “I’m a part time nursery school teacher and my husband’s a gerbil groomer. Our budget is $975k.” WHO. ARE. THESE. PEOPLE?

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          Oh, I know. So ridiculous!

          I always loved the Americans who landed in a European city and wanted a large home with plenty of yardspace for their kids with six bedrooms and 8 large bathrooms and very close to the downtown historical district but close to the freeway so they can get to work. I mean, the building is 800 years old. It didn’t even originally have indoor plumbing or electricity.

          1. university minion*

            Yes, and it must have “character” along with all the modern niceties and US-ian dimensions.

        2. Analyst Editor*

          Canadians — their real estate is crazy expensive and it’s in a Canadian dollars. It clicked into place for me when I realize half the episodes for those shows are in Canada.
          When they’re in the US literally anywhere besides the biggest metros, the budgets for houses are like 200K for large houses.

      2. Filosofickle*

        I’ve read some behind the scenes posts by people on the show. They report being asked by production to say something about every room which leads to a lot of paint color comments when they have nothing else to say.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          My sister is one of those people, though. She’s been looking to buy a new house for almost two years. I went with her to look at one last year that was almost totally perfect for what she was looking for but she didn’t like the colour of the counters, the paint in the living room, or the lack of a fence in the back yard. The price even got dropped by quite a bit because nobody was buying. She decided it wasn’t worth the money to get it repainted so passed it up, and now she is spending about a third more to have a custom house built, in a less convenient place, with a postage stamp yard.

          She’s nuts. But hey, she has the money, I guess.

    3. Jellyfish*

      Congrats! We’re in a similar place – signed the contract right before everything went bad. Assuming everything works out, moving will be very weird. I’ll be much happier quarantined in the new house than in our crappy little apartment though.

    4. MissGirl*

      Congrats. I thought my home was move-in ready. I did one walk through the week before closing and decided it needed new carpet. They had obviously shampooed it right before posting it, and the stains had worked their way back through in the ensuing weeks. Then a few days before I closed, I knew I just had to paint the cabinets. Six months later I had painted every wall in the joint. I really underestimated the pull to make it feel like mine. Enjoy your new home. May it be a sanctuary during a world in upheaval.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Congratulations on your new home. House buying during Covid 2020 will be a story you can tell for the rest of your lives. Eh, what we do now can definitely change the course of our lives over the next decade or so. So congrats on moving forward and getting what you need. I wish you many happy years in your new home.

    6. Rollergirl09*

      Mortgage lenders, settlement agents, and realtors are doing everything they can to social distance the process. Housing is most certainly essential. Don’t feel so bad.

    7. Blueberry*

      Congratulations! Hey, thank you for sharing your good news with us! I really like knowing people are doing well even in the current time.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      You or hubby should be at the inspector’s side (6 feet away) during the inspection. Many inspectors won’t kill a sale because they won’t get much business if they do. If the inspector misses something big, often your only remedy is your inspection fee refunded. Listen to and WRITE DOWN every suggestion the inspector tells you. Turn on every faucet and run every appliance that’s included in the sale. Buy an outlet tester and test as many sockets as you can. Run the furnace and the AC regardless of the weather. Look behind window treatments and coverings for problems. Existing problems must be disclosed by law, but also ask about “latent” problems: things that will need repairs in the future. Look at the entire foundation. Look at the roof and other big ticket items.
      Congratulations and welcome home!

    9. Observer*

      And ASK SPECIFICALLY about things like plumbing and electrical issues, flooding (our inspector missed the signs of regular basement flooding) and the location of all important places in the house you normally don’t see (meters, trap, fuse / circuit breaker panel(s) – Although in your case it should only be circuit breakers.)

  59. C Average*

    So I had a weird and exciting experience this week: I had an emergency root canal on my front tooth!

    Oregon has been doing some version of social distancing for nearly a month, so it was a challenge to even get an appointment. Only a few dentists were open, and those only for emergencies. At my initial appointment they took one X-ray and sent me home with a night guard, saying I was probably grinding my teeth due to stress. (I wasn’t. My bite is all crooked and I’m not actually capable of grinding my front teeth.)

    Four days of agony later, they had me come back. They numbed up my gums with one swab of lidocaine and then plunged in the needle; it was the single most excruciating moment of pain I’ve ever experienced. Then they quickly and efficiently cleaned out the infection, patched the hole, and packed me off with a prescription for Percocet and antibiotics. The whole thing probably took 10 minutes flat. At the end, I was literally sobbing from the pain, and no one even addressed that.

    It was clear that their only priority was to do the procedure and shove me out the door. It was a two-mile walk home, and I cried the whole way from the pain. I was grateful I had sunglasses and a mask to hide behind!

    It was the weirdest dentist encounter I’ve ever had, devoid of any of the usual niceties: “let’s get another X-ray … okay, there’s gonna be a little pressure here … we’re going to numb this up really good so you don’t feel the shot … how are you doing? … give us a call if you need anything … have you thought about getting that crossbite fixed?”

    I felt like a car at Oil Can Henry’s: “We’ve got a root canal on bay two!”

    Reflecting on it over the last few days, I’ve tried to imagine what things are like for the dentist and his staff, based on my impressions and on snippets of conversation I overheard. They can only have one patient in the office at a time, and they have to sanitize the place between patients. They have to treat every patient as a vector for disease. They don’t want to do any unnecessary procedures, and they want all necessary procedures over as quickly as possible. They know that if they run out of swabs and shots and other supplies, they may not be able to get more right away.

    Fortunately it all worked, and other than some swelling and residual pain, I am fine. But wow was that a weird experience.

    1. C Average*

      Oh, and one other thing: my front teeth are crowned (I chipped them badly as a child and later had them filed down to points and crowned with porcelain). The dentist warned me that crowns can be damaged during root canals and that if mine broke off, no one would be able to replace it under current conditions; it would be considered cosmetic! So by assenting to the root canal, which I clearly needed, I was also accepting the risk of having a vampire until June or beyond! I am immensely pleased to report this did NOT happen.

      1. brushandfloss*

        Yes because dental labs are closed and crowns are multiple appointments. I glad it work out for you.

        1. Imtheone*

          My dentist and others in my area have a set-up where they can make the permanent crown right there in the dental office. I had an appointment the last day they were in to treat a problem and replace a crown. You might look for that when things settle down and you can have more normal dental visits.

          1. Windchime*

            I have several crowns made by that method and I LOVE them. Definitely something to look into for people (like me) who hate multiple trips to the dentist and having to wear a temporary crown.

    2. Reba*

      I am impressed that you are able to conjure compassionate thoughts for the dentist and staff after they treated you like that!

      I usually have to have the numbing injections topped up. Dental work pain is uniquely horrible.

      Glad you are on the mend.

      1. brushandfloss*

        Seriously? I’m going to be blunt. C wasn’t mistreated just not coddled like a lot of patient want. Most offices are closed, because we have no PPE and no way to get it more because it’s being prioritized to go the hospitals.

        We can’t test patients, so we hoping no one gets sick. As I posted below situations are not normal, the important thing is that C’s pain was treated and resolved.

        1. Reba*

          Well, not wanting to go through excruciating pain is really not the same asking to be coddled.

          I get these are unusual and very trying times. Moving fast is great. I still think that no care for the patient’s pain is not okay. Maybe that’s the tradeoff that’s had to be made, which makes sense for reducing exposure for all sides. It was good of the staff to treat the OP. But it still sucks for the patient!

          I guess my comment is colored by having my encounters with very uncaring dental pros even under normal circumstances.

          1. brushandfloss*

            An injection around a painful tooth that needs a root canal is always going to be unpleasant/painful. Depending on how severe the infection is it may not get numb properly. But care for the patient pain occurred. C didn’t write that they had an excruciating root canal but the initial injection which is to be expected given the circumstance.

      2. KAZ2Y5*

        They took her pain seriously, she got percocet! I recently got a root canal (spaced out appointments and all because of all that is going on) and got recommendations to take OTC pain meds and call if that didn’t work.

    3. Brunch with Silvia*

      What an experience! My husband had something similar about 10 days ago and is still somewhat traumatized from the experience—he keeps thinking “what if” and trying to get me to agree to pull his teeth out with pliers should the infection come back! He also ordered several units of dental cement to reinforce the filling. Dental practices are particularly at risk since their patients can’t mask up. And I think dental pain makes the patient feel particularly vulnerable. I’m so sorry that you went through that.

    4. Mimmy*

      I get what the office was going through, but that is no excuse to treat you the way they did. Glad you are on the mend!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. And, C, I am sorry you had to walk all the way home from that. You are a stronger person than I am.

    5. brushandfloss*

      Situations are not normal now. Most offices are closed because we don’t have the necessary PPE to treat patients or worse using them longer then recommended. Most states mandates have allowed dental practices to remain open only for emergencies (pain or swelling/infections). You can’t practice social distancing with a patient. There’s a meme comparing the full PPE used to collect a swab for Covid testing and the mask/ gloves used for dental procedures.

      So yes the plan is to get you in, treat you and get you out as efficiently as possible.

      1. C Average*

        Yeah, I totally get it! I’m grateful for the treatment I received, and I’m glad it’s not the norm during ordinary times. I sent the office a thank-you note. I know these jobs aren’t easy at the best of times. I related the experience because it’s something interesting that happened to me and gave me a glimpse into a few things I haven’t had occasion to think about much.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t think anybody’s saying it is, but it doesn’t sound like C Average got tortured. It doesn’t sound like she suffered any pain that’s unusual during a root canal procedure; hell, my endodontist won’t even give you a prescription for opiates unless you really make a case for it. It sounds like the novocaine shot hurt a lot, which it does sometimes, and they may not have had time to wait for it to kick in fully–I’m not clear if she’s saying that the procedure continued to be painful as they worked on her or not.

          FWIW, there was a time when some dentists didn’t believe in anesthestic for root canals. I had one without anesthestic during that period. I’m a wuss, and it sucked big time. But I wasn’t tortured.

          1. fposte*

            BTW, I’m not saying therefore it couldn’t have been horrible for the patient–dentistry wipes me right out even when it’s painless, and it almost never is for me. I think that exhausting, traumatic side of dentistry gets hugely mitigated by patient care of the kind that C Average did not receive. But that’s a different topic than the deliberate infliction of pain.

    6. fposte*

      IME, the surface swab never really numbs the area for the shot, because it can only numb the surface. I hate that first novocaine shot anywhere, and front teeth are the worst for shot pain. My current dentist does something, and I’m trying to remember what, to give some sensory distraction–maybe some additional gum pressure with a finger, something like that?–and I do find that helpful.

      So I’m not sure your experience would have been madly different in non-COVID times, but yes, there probably would have been a bit more room for the psychological component.

      2. Courageous cat*

        My dentist wiggles my cheek back and forth, for lack of a better description, and that helps.

    7. blackcat*

      I know that must have been rough, but do keep in mind dental procedures are SUPER likely to spread any type of infection to the office staff. So they’re on edge, probably trying to breathe/speak as little as possible to minimize the possibility of getting the disease.

      I’m sorry no one apologized for your pain. I’m sure it’s because they’re terribly stressed.

      And this might sound awful, but it’s likely pain doesn’t faze them at all. I’m a redhead, and like many redheads, novacaine and lidocaine do not work on me. As an extra special rare kicker, benzo sedatives also to not work (so I can’t just ask for drugs to help me chill). So the few times I have had dental work done, it just hurts like a MOFO. Dentists do see patients like me, and, in my experience, they tend to avoid talking about the pain and push through as efficiently as possible.
      As someone who has dealt with this for a variety of medical procedures, the absolute WORST is actually being coddled for the pain. Just… do your job! Do it well and fast and then lets be done! And, FWIW, when I had one procedure done (medical, not dental) which is normally done under local, I was actually a lesson for a big group of med students (I was asked about “some” med students, I agreed, and I swear like 20 of them marched in!). The doctor recommended for patients that cannot be properly anesthetized to focus on the procedure as precisely and efficiently as possible as you can and ignore the patients pain after warning them it will hurt and apologizing. Ideally, get an extra person to help the patient through it. If not, pausing to reassure the patient is likely to make it worse. Most of the poor med students looked traumatized by the entire thing (speech and watching the procedure on a patient feeling it all), but the doctor was all business. When it was all done, she thanked me profusely for providing the students will a valuable lesson in “Sometimes you will cause pain and you need t0 be okay with that.” So… as tough as it is, realize that lots of medical folks have literally been trained to be okay with causing pain.

    8. Blueberry*

      Oh ow. I commend your compassionate attitude and I’m sorry it was such a rough experience. May you heal up soon and fully!

    9. C Average*

      Thanks to everyone who replied to this thread, especially brushandfloss.

      Although the physical pain is mostly gone, this experience has stayed with me, and I wrote this post in part to process those feelings.

      I am so, so grateful that there were trained professionals willing to show up at work and fix my tooth, putting themselves and their families at risk.

      I do think a little bit of compassion, or coddling, or whatever you want to call it, would have gone a long ways. I hadn’t eaten or slept in three days, I was holding it together by taking oxycodone I had left over from bunion surgery last year and lying with my face on an ice pack, and I was pretty much deranged with pain. My partner had to work, and I chose to walk to and from my appointment because I didn’t think I could drive safely in the state I was in.

      A kind word, some eye contact, anything would have meant so much to me.

      When I wrote that I was grateful for the treatment, I started to write that I was grateful for the care but then erased it. There wasn’t any care. I am grateful for the treatment; under current conditions, it’s likely all they had to give. I wish they’d given me a little care, too, but I get it: sometimes there just isn’t any to go around.

      I haven’t mailed the thank-you card yet. Maybe I should include some flowers and a bottle of whiskey, too. We all need a little care right now.

      1. valentine*

        I think they were cruel. When the first shot doesn’t work, my dental team waits a bit and tries again. I never leave in pain, much less crying.

      2. tangerineRose*

        You’re nice than I’d probably be. I’d be making a mental note to avoid that office.

        However, I am worried about dental professionals right now – since Covid19 is mainly spread by saliva – well, that’s what they’re dealing with all the time.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Agreeing with those who said this was a bit too rough. I’d avoid an office like this if I knew about it. You are just as much at risk from getting Covid from them or their office as they are getting it from you. It’s just a miserable situation all around. That’s not your fault, nor is it theirs.

      3. Epsilon Delta*

        That sounds like a horrible experience, I’m so sorry you had to go through it but also glad you were able to get treated!

        The dental office staff took on personal risk to provide a necessary procedure. They also acted callously. Both can be true. I think a note thanking them for the treatment is a very kind gesture.

    10. Alexandra Lynch*

      That’s always what dentists are like. That’s why I have Valium to take before I walk in and hoard Tramadol to use right afterwards.
      When this whole COVID thing is over I’m going to go to one of those dentists that use anesthesia and knock you right out. I can handle waking up and having to drink my food for four days, as long as I don’t have to be conscious while they work on my mouth.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Not all dentists are like that. The dentist I go to is considerate and tells me to raise my hand if anything hurts. He always numbs the gums first.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        I just had a ton of dental work done, and I had them give me IV meds. It was WONDERFUL. I tried to have the work done last summer, but the doofus I went to the first time tried to do it under a local only. He didn’t use a numbing swab or anything like that, just jammed the needle into my gums. He also didn’t mention that the local doesn’t always work well if you have a lot of gum inflammation (I did, which is why I needed the dental work). I never got numb enough, so when he started to extract the first tooth, it hurt a lot. I finally told him to get the hell away from me. I never went back to that practice. Instead, I found a new dentist, and he referred me to an oral surgeon who could give me the good drugs. He put the IV in my arm, and next thing I knew they were waking me up and telling me to go sit in the corner for 20 minutes until I was steady enough to leave. Despite having a LOT of work done (including the removal of an impacted wisdom tooth), I had almost no pain afterward. Just some swelling and bruising.

  60. The Rat-Catcher*

    My mother is absolutely incensed that we are not bringing our kids over for Easter. My state is under a stay at home order. I know it feels very different because everyone in my house is at home (with the exception of my BIL, the grocery store worker, who lives in our basement), while my father, mother, sister, and sister’s fiance are all essential staff who have continued to go to work. But every time we tell her we aren’t coming, she says “okay, think about it and call me back!” I’m now to the point where I’m not answering the calls. She’s great for the most part but not the least bit shy about pushing to get her own way.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I saw an article in today’s news about parents pushing their adult children to come visit and the adult children are saying no. I am glad there are some true adults among us. Reschedule for later, it will be safer later.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Youngest dragon had her birthday just as our state settled into strict social distance and closed schools (but about a week before shelter in place started). Our religious school director has promised her a wonderful party when it’s safe to gather in groups again. That’s the kind of attitude we all need to be practicing right now!

      2. I'm A Little Teapot*

        From the beginning, it’s been the adult children (Millennials) screaming at their parents to stay the f*ck home. Not surprised it’s still happening.

    2. Rollergirl09*

      My mom tried that with me last week. They live in the same state, but 200 miles away. I don’t like making the trek for the weekend under normal circumstances, certainly not going to break shelter in place order to go eat a meal with them. They are in the 68-75 age range, I have teens. It appears that teenagers may be part of the asymptomatic carrier population, it isn’t worth the risk!

    3. Blue Eagle*

      Here’s the technique that my sister always uses. She agrees to come to family events (that way no one pushes on her “no”), but then at the last minute there is always an issue – someone is either sick, or a car problem, or a headache or something. I finally got what she was doing and have used her technique myself. Consider for future reference – but shame on your mom for causing you additional stress by her badgering when she knows that what she is asking for is problematic.

      1. Nicole76*

        I think in normal situations that’s a crappy thing to do to people because they’re planning a meal based on the number of people who said they would come. But in the case of someone who can’t take no for an answer they deserve it.

        2. Hi there*

          I have to agree on the lousy thing to do part. My godmother acts happy to receive the invitation, accepts, and then cancels at the last minute with some ridiculous excuse. We are expected to go there for Christmas, of course …

  61. Dancing Otter*

    I just learned of the first fatality among my direct acquaintances last night. We weren’t close friends, and hadn’t connected in years, so this is more a source of sadness than deep grief, and yet…
    While I was already taking the threat of infection seriously, and heaven knows you can’t read the news without hearing Statistics, it’s more real, somehow, when someone you know personally doesn’t just get sick but actually dies from COVID.
    Is it strange that one dead band director feels more significant than trucks full of corpses?

    2. Elf*

      No, it’s totally normal. Our brains are built to understand people, not numbers (which is why there are so many people who can’t muster up an iota of compassion for any of “those people” who aren’t right in front of them, and yet are perfectly lovely/compassionate in person). It’s always going to be more emotionally intense when its “real” like that, and it’s useful to be aware of so you can make sure you’re taking more abstract things seriously enough.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Pretty normal, actually.

      On an ordinary day we are drowning in news of this death, that death, we have to find ways to push through. So we tend to say a quick “I’m sorry” and move on. When it’s one of our own we can come to a down right stop, whoa.
      Now add a pandemic called Covid to the mix. All of the sudden by looking at one person we know we can better see the stories of many. And so many people having a shared cause of death. Hopefully we will never see this again in our life times. But even then this will remain a vivid memory for many of us for decades to come.

    4. LGC*

      Not really? As awful as this sounds, it’s a human reaction because that’s how humans work. I’ll just put this below, but this is going to get a bit heavy (as in, really vivid images of death).

      —

      Okay, you’ve been warned. I actually tried to tone it down a bit from what I originally wrote.

      A guy I know and I’ve hung out with a couple of times posted last week about his grandfather dying from COVID, and noted how he had to die alone without being surrounded by his family. And…even though I don’t know the guy that well, it just felt way more immediate than hearing that – say – the lead singer of Fountains of Wayne died, or about the family down the shore that got decimated by it early on in the outbreak, or the reefers parked outside Elmhurst, or the trenches we’re digging for bodies in New York…

      …okay, scratch that. It didn’t feel more immediate than that, but it felt less abstract. I know this guy. I can imagine his grandfather, even though I never met him. I can imagine my own grandmother who is close to his grandfather’s age, who I call a lot more nowadays. One of the things that Governor Murphy has been saying in his press addresses is that each victim is an individual person. The 20,000 people or so who’ve died of COVID – and this number makes me sick because I live in a town of roughly 25,000, and the image of 80% of our population dead in a matter of weeks makes me sick to my stomach – all have their own stories. It just reinforced my fear that this can (and probably will) touch my own life, I guess.

      Framed that way, I think that the reason that “it’s more real, somehow” is that you know this person’s story, or at least some of it. You can put a face to that statistic. And given how people work most of the time, we’re better at understanding things when we can tie things back to our own experience.

      I’m really sorry, and I’m wishing their family any source of relief possible during this time. And I also want you to be kind to yourself.

  62. Posted about depression earlier, feeling better but need to talk*

    CW: mental illness, caregiving, death, suicide

    I posted a couple weeks ago about feeling suicidal after seeing Main Street in my current town close.*

    I am feeling better, as my work is considered essential (grocery), and I have enough savings to survive if I need to (although I don’t wanna draw on it unless I *absolutely* have to, meaning if there’s no income, UI, or stimulus).

    I had an epiphany this week that I need to ask your guys’ help on.

    ***

    The last two weeks, I’ve had to spend some time helping my neighbor through
    1) an anxiety attack in which he was crying, shaking, and hallucinating… related to: layoffs (2 manual labor jobs), his mom being in a nursing home, general fear about the virus;
    2) two days later, after he was discharged from the hospital for said anxiety, calling the local pharmacy for him to see if the psychiatric meds prescribed to him were available for pickup, and getting the pharmacist to apply a discount to him b/c he was low on money (see layoffs above);
    3) trying to get him on Medicaid… I was able to start the phone process, which he then finished himself when he’d taken meds for a few days;
    4) a week later (this Tues/Wed) getting a doctor’s appointment so the meds could be given to him beyond a week (ER doctors can’t do long-term Rx);
    which was a royal pain in the ass because the initial referral contact info on his discharge papers was wrong, internet contact info was out of date, and I FINALLY got the correct number via the local in-town practice;
    5) then, after making the appointment, hearing that they needed his Medicaid ID (which they did not have at time of booking), b/c they couldn’t backbill it to Medicaid after the fact;
    6) … all the while, noticing that he was becoming less coherent. I found out, in the process of 4) and 5), that he had not taken his meds for 2 straight days because “he felt fine,” even though he didn’t know how to use the flip phone the hospital gave him, and had a patchy memory of everything that had happened.
    7) On top of this, dealing with the impending prospect of helping him with an unemployment application, for which I was able to get an online account started for him, buy just. did. not. feel like doing.

    Good news, 1)-6) are resolved, he went to the doctor’s yesterday and has a lasting Rx, and he’s getting some side jobs to bring in income. Family is helping him with 7). They assured me that he they expect him to do any medical matters himself, which is good.

    The problem is this…

    Aside from the obvious stress accompanying this situation, I have a lot of personal baggage around caregiving. My Dad died in July 2016 of lung cancer that, while being treated by a genetically-targeted prescription (genetic vulnerability found in the tumor -> lucky opportunity to treat), it had metastasized up his spine and into his brain. So one day in late May, when I called to check in on him from the other side of the U.S., I noticed that his speech was garbled, and I called his nextdoor neighbor, who then called 911. I flew home that day and got the diagnosis. My Uncle was able to take care of him, while I finished finals, and then I came back in June for a lovely few weeks of watching my dearly-loved Dad regress back into childhood, then a coma, then nothing.

    What was *really* hard about this, is that my Dad was a scientist who was quite well-regarded in his field. A lot of people told me that he was the smartest guy they knew. And to see someone like that get wiped out that fast and that hard was… not fun.

    This is to say nothing of getting the house ready to sell, hoping we didn’t have to euthanize the 3 cats (found homes for them yay), figure out what of my stuff to keep and what to incinerate (not all was donation-worthy quality). That feeling of having to kill everything you love after you thought you couldn’t lose any more.

    There were a good few months of feeling completely and utterly trapped in a cosmic hell dimension, with no way out, with nothing but terror and horror and torture, and no way to stop it until it decided to let me go. I never had any time to grieve. I had to get papers signed and had to clear crap. More than a few times I thought of walking into the store, buying some bug poison, drinking it in an abandoned parking lot, and hoping my body would shut off.

    To say nothing of this derailing my professional plans (had to move to small town near Uncle’s family to save money, with no academic/STEM jobs around, and being absolutely useless to anybody for any reason at all), having to drop out of my Master’s program ABD due to institutional issues/depression/falling out with the subject matter, and generally hating my friends from the program for IGNORING ME when I reached out to them for support and STILL having to watch them progress farther along the ladder than me, after almost 4 fucking years… but that’s another post for another day.

    ***

    Let’s just say that taking care of my neighbor, even if it was done out of duty, gave me SERIOUS emotional flashbacks to that place. (As distinct from sensory flashbacks – “emotional flashbacks,” in my made-up jargon, means “being transported to the exact same psychic place as in the past.) I had to recuperate by withdrawing and going flat for a few days. I also spent time looking up suicide methods.

    I’m out of that immediate danger zone phase now, but I swear I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just waiting for things to go to hell again, overnight, like they did with Dad and with my neighbor, and that I’ll have to go through this all over again.

    I’m going to talk to my therapist about this next week, but… I dunno. I guess I just need confirmation that this is actually an understandable response, and that I’m not just going crazy.

    *(The connection with the Main Street post: Even though I don’t always like being where I live, I did like going through Main Street and seeing what was there. It’s been one of the few comforts I’ve had during my multiyear depression. And seeing it go quiet means that the beasts must just be around the corner again.)

    1. Anono-me*

      Oh my. Reading everything you just wrote is stressful and upsetting. I can’t imagine how much more so living it must have been.

      I have no good advice on how to address it other than it seems like your plan to talk to your therapist is a good one. (If suicide is still somewhere in your thought process or emotions , I hope you call one of the suicide hotlines.)But I absolutely positively want to 100% validate that finding all of this difficult, challenging, upsetting and causing you to feel stress is a perfectly sensible reaction. But the level of stress and upset is not healthy and needs to be addressed.

      For future reference, your neighbor is probably operating as best as he can with a lot of limits. He will probably come to you for additional help in the future. It is perfectly fine for you to provide that help in the form of reaching out on his behalf to his extended family and/or to his social worker. (The important thing is that everyone gets the help they need, it is not required for that help to be in the format that they prefer or that you be responsible for all of it.)

    2. Not A Manager*

      This is actually an understandable response.

      This is actually an understandable response.

      You are not going crazy.

      Just walking into a hospital gives me emotional flashbacks to my own caregiving experiences. Of course this series of interactions was triggering for you. I’m glad you have your therapist to speak with about this, but until then, try to honor your feelings and be gentle with yourself.

      And please save some of that caregiving for yourself. You mention suicidal ideation. Of course you know to contact emergency services if you’re in danger, but please also talk yourself down/away from that rabbit hole as best you can, the same way you would speak to your friend or a loved one if they were having dark thoughts. You know how to intervene in a appropriate way for another person; please be sure to do that for yourself as well.

    3. Misty*

      Having an emotional flashback like that is a normal response imo (I’m not a therapist or anything). I think you should talk to your therapist if you trust him or her! Sounds like you’ve had a lot of stuff happen and it makes total sense that a situation that was like a past situation reminded you of it.

      I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week. I remember your post about main street. Please stay safe and take care of yourself <3 <3

    4. Generic Name*

      I think emotional flashbacks are a thing. You aren’t crazy and your body is responding normally to a traumatic event that reminds you of past traumatic events. Heck, I feel like I’m doing really well right now (engaged and fiancé and I are planning on starting a family soon :) but I still can’t be in the same room with my emotionally abusive ex-husband without shaking uncontrollably, and even reading messages from him makes me break out into a cold sweat.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Not a doc but I am someone’s kid. This sounds like severe burn out to me. We can’t just give and give and give. It empties us out on the inside. Think of it this way, you wouldn’t skip putting gas in your car and then wonder why it didn’t run, right? Same thing with our bodies and our minds. We have to put “fuel” in, we have to take the time to do self-care. And part of your self-care right now just might be that you cannot take care of any more people until you get on firm ground.

      My mother drained me. It’s part of the reason why I don’t have kids now. By the time I was 18-20, I realized I had nothing left to give anyone else.
      There were lots of things I had to look at for my setting. But one thing that I think applies to your setting too, is that I had to look at the idea that “I gave too much”. I was gutted. Like you show here. My wise friend said we are not supposed to give so much of ourselves that we have nothing left of us. Just because we can do this work does not mean we have to.

      No you are probably not going crazy but you probably have no reserves left to draw on either, hence the feeling of waiting for the other shoe. Build up your reserves means whole foods, water, rest. If you read focus on reading positive materials, cut way back on the news. The news will be there if we read it or not. Perhaps a grief group or some books on grief would be a supportive activity.

      It’s funny/odd that you should mention the emptiness of the streets in your town. Yeah, when what we actually see on the outside something that reflects what we feel on the inside, it can be jarring. In my case, I dreamed I was in a large factory building. It must have been enormous because I walked from room to room for what felt like hours in this building. The rooms were all empty and I just kept walking to the next room in the dream. This dream was more unsettling than the monster dreams I had as a kid. But when I woke up I realized it was a parallel for the way I felt my life was going.

      It’s time for you to get your life on track again. You have several griefs to process and then you can pick which way you want to go next. Put your own oxygen mask on first, no more taking care of people until you get yourself to safety. And if/when people offer to help you, learn to say yes more often to well-chosen people. Let folks help out. You have done more than your share of helping for the time being. (I had to learn about setting boundaries for how much help I will give others. Once I set those boundaries I never went back to my former problems with feeling totally drained/empty.)

      I always say when people can talk about a problem that is 50% of the solution right there. You may be closer than you realize to some real answers for yourself. You’re a pretty gutsy person, I can see that in what you think of to say/do, so just have the brass to go a little bit more in your quest. You will find some answers for yourself. Meanwhile, you can work on good self-care at home.

      1. Posted about depression earlier, feeling better but need to talk*

        Damn, I’m sorry about how your Mom treated you. I’m kind of in a similar place right now as regards caregiving: I don’t want to do it again, and if someone tries to make me do it, I’ll avail myself of the nearest nursing home/assisted living facility, or (if nothing else is available) buy a one-way ticket to a viable location sufficiently far away that they can’t haul me back in. Because if they don’t have respect for my time or sanity, why should I have respect for theirs?

        I definitely agree on the question of reserves and replenishing them. I’d like to think there are three main levels to one’s internal energy/infrastructure. The first is the amount of energy necessary to get stuff done under normal circumstances (i.e., do you have enough in you to get through a normal week, maybe a bit more hectic but not by much). If you run into a really challenging situation (like midterms or being sick), you draw on your reserves. Then, ideally, one should spend significant time replenishing one’s reserves so as to not restart life at a deficit.

        The problem for me is: in caring for my Dad and doing post-mortem estate crap/cleaning, I ended up blowing through both my regular energy supply AND my reserves. If things had gone well (read: if budget had allowed me to go back to the city I’d been going to school in, which is more of a cultural fit for me anyway given my interests in art/culture and my love of public transit), then I might’ve been able to get back to normal-ish in a year. That’s not what happened though. I ended up in a situation where I was cut off from that… and ended up feeling downright useless and worthless as a human being for a few years straight… which, combined with most of my friends’ not giving a crap, really didn’t let any kind of recharge happen.

        Instead, I dipped into the *third* tier of energy, the “this is the basic shit I need to survive and function AT ALL* tier. This is what gets you to shower regularly/do laundry/take out trash/clean your living space. Which were all things that I stopped doing for a long time. Not out of any own preference or free will, mind you, but because there was a raging fire that I didn’t have any hope of putting out, and that didn’t really go out until it burned through almost all that I had left of myself.

        I think I’ve got almost all of the third tier back online, and am working on rebuilding my reserves, which will take time yet. It helps that I’ve made friends/gone to good painting workshops in the last year, so that I have a good source of energy to draw on again. I think you’re right about setting boundaries to keep from getting drained again. I may set my threshold for “nope fuck this” at a lot lower than most people, just to avoid feeling nuked by every little thing going wrong. Thanks.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep, that’s right. Set that threshold lower to preserve yourself. It’s so easy to say, “yeah, but-but-but…”. Just no and no exceptions. I had emptied four houses in the process of doing 3 estates. I am good at it now, I can really clean a place out pretty fast. One of my lines that I have drawn is that I will not be executor for anyone ever again.
          And I got tested on this commitment I made to myself. A beloved family member knew their days were numbered. They contacted a lawyer to write a will. They asked me to be their executor.
          This is a much loved person asking me to help. I was feeling the “but=but-but” starting inside me.

          And I said no.

          After I explained they said they understood and it was okay. Now you can get a glimpse why this family member was so loved.

          I totally agree about the 3 levels of energy. We can dig in and do some super hero stuff. But it’s not sustainable. And there are no medical studies that show how it can shorten our life spans but I am willing to bet it does.

          The raw truth that I have had to face is that we are each responsible for our quality of life right up to our final day. There is no “getting off the hook”. There is no one who is going to “save” us. If we don’t try to procure a quality of life for ourselves the effect becomes cumulative and we can end up being that nursing home patient with tubes and wires all over the place. That idea that this could happen to me super motivates me to put my foot down. I have shifted my interest to helping people who are helping themselves. And I try to follow the idea of handing out fishing poles as opposed to handing out fish. There’s lots of ideas out there on how and where to set boundaries. And as you claim back yourself and your life, you can adjust up or down as needed. Any given rule of thumb does not have to be a rigid or forever thing. The main goal is to not let ourselves become totally depleted or worse, totally bedridden from exhaustion (physical, mental, emotional exhaustion).

    6. A New Normal*

      Emotional flashbacks are 100% a thing and not at all unusual after such a stressful event. I know that there’s new research being done on Complex PTSD, a form that develops from repeated exposure to trauma rather than from a single event and emotional flashbacks are a common symptom. What you went through DECIDEDLY counts as trauma. You lost a lot in a very short period of time and, at the same time, gained a lot of very stressful responsibilities and you did that without your support group. That’s going to do a number on your brain.

      Be kind to yourself and take some strange comfort in knowing that what you’re feeling is normal and to be expected. Your therapist, if they’re worth the time to talk with, will be very familiar with your body’s response and should have some good coping methods.

    7. Rollergirl09*

      As someone who has struggled with mental health issues my entire life I understand everything you said. That said, you have GOT to put on your own oxygen mask. Your own well-being must be a priority. I’m not saying you can’t care about your neighbor (not sure how close this relationship is/was outside of the recent issues), but you can’t care for him to your own detriment. Him not taking meds almost immediately after being prescribed them is not a good indicator of long term med compliance to help his mental health. I would hate for you to get sucked into his spiral. Can you help him identify his support system outside of you? Help him create a safety plan (you can find them online). It will have names and numbers of who to call, action steps to take, etc when he feels out of control. Let him know you want to help, but you can’t be his only resource.

      Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

      1. Washi*

        Yes, it sounds like this person might need more supports than a kind neighbor can realistically provide. As harsh as it sounds, it may be good to set some boundaries now because it will only get harder if he comes to depend on you. It was amazing of you to pitch in when he was in crisis, but now is a good time to encourage him to find other additional sources of support (you mentioned family) as Rollergirl09 says.

        1. Posted about depression earlier, feeling better but need to talk*

          Thanks. At this point, I’ve told my neighbor to give his cell phone # to his doctor, as I had been the primary contact person for the last couple weeks. I will do the same the next time insurance calls. Family really isn’t able to do healthcare right now. I’ve decided to set the “help out” bar pretty strictly at “is he having another breakdown? Call the crisis line” and “is he screaming and throwing stuff? Call 911.”

          Other than that, basically, I’m leaving it in his hands. He seems sufficiently lucid to do it now. I might ask his sister to remind him to take his meds every so often.

          I don’t have the heart to do anything outside of this (i.e. continually check up on him), so I won’t. I basically don’t want to intervene again unless it’s a REALLY bad emergency.

          I’d actually had a good relationship with him before this; he’d let me come along on a couple of moving jobs to earn some money, and he’d also helped me unclog a really messed-up sink in my apartment. That’s a big reason why I stepped in to help initially.

    8. Blueberry*

      That is a more than understandable response. Honestly, I’m impressed by how functional you manged to be while having such horrible flashbacks, and how helpful and kind you have been. I’m hoping for the best for you.

    9. Tris Prior*

      Hi – You’re not going crazy. You went through traumatic things. I too have had traumatic caregiving experiences and even something like nursing my partner through a bad flu a couple years ago sent me into huge scary flashbacks. I have literally cut people out of my life because they were leaning on me too hard and it drove me into flashbacks. What you posted sounds very familiar to me.

      I am glad you are reaching out to a therapist. I am also glad that your neighbor has family who are able to step in Let them. You did a good thing in helping him but it cost you in terms of mental health. That’s OK. It’s OK to know your limits and say no (saying this as much for myself as you).

  63. New Normal*

    I’m stupidly sad about something that happened yesterday.

    Some background: five years ago we adopted a beautiful black adult female cat from the local shelter. Over the years this cat has become my absolute heart. We have to others, both great cats, but this one is extra-special. She’s the first to greet us when we come home, the one who comforts me when I’ve been injured or sick, the one who’s always the first to cuddle and just overall an amazing cat.

    She developed a limp a few days ago so I figured it was a good chance to try out a new vet. Our old one (who was more adequate than great, I thought) had retired and the new vet there seemed to resent that our cats weren’t dogs. So I take girl cat to new vet yesterday.

    Vet takes her back and a minute later came out.

    “You DO know that’s a male cat, right?”

    No! No I did not! Five years and we, the previous vets, and the shelter missed that little detail!

    Maybe during normal times this would just be amusing but right now I’m not handling this well. I have this stupid feeling like I took my sweet, bonded girl in and brought back a different cat.

    Intellectually I know he’s the same cat he’s always been and that it REALLY doesn’t matter which sex this cat is. He certainly doesn’t care. But I think it’s just me too many changes right now for me.

    1. Animal worker*

      I get it. I have a parrot with a male name. After 12 years ‘he’ laid an egg. But you know what, his name is still the same, I call him a good boy, and just decided to not worry about changing my frame of reference about him.

      1. A New Normal*

        12 years! That must have been quite a surprise! We’re leaning towards doing the same because this cat has been “her” for so long and we’ve both agreed it’s a bit late to change her very feminine name.

        I am now really wondering what else my previous vet missed.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Oh my.
      I got caught one time. I had a cat for four years. I tended to pride myself on being observant. Then I found out I am not observant. My four year old cat was blind in one eye and I never realized. She was fine with this “news”, me -not so much. Your fuzzy one will forgive you, they seem to have infinite capacity to forgive. ;)

      1. A New Normal*

        Oh no! I’d feel terrible as well, even knowing that cats are the ultimate experts at hiding those sorts of things. But you’re right, for them life hasn’t changed at all and they probably wonder why we’re taking it so hard.

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Back when we first got chickens, we got baby chicks that were supposed to be all girls and gave them all girl’s names. The one with the princess name grew up with some very masculine feathers, and started crowing.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I promise you, the cat does not care what pronoun you use. If you need it to be she, then she it is.

      1. Melody Pond*

        I totally agree. @New Normal, your cat doesn’t have a gender identity – you can definitely have your own gender identity for her in your mind. Maybe in your own head, she can be a trans cat – since your idea of her gender identity doesn’t match her sex organs. :) And that’s perfectly okay!

    6. Courageous cat*

      I used to think about what if this were to happen with my girl cat too. I don’t know why. It just would have changed her personality in my head so much. Don’t feel guilty about taking some time to adjust, you’ll get there.

    8. Anono-me*

      (As someone who has never been able to be too close to the kitties I may be missing a basic understanding of cat bodies here. ) Is it possible that the new vet may have been the one who misgendered your kitty rather than both the old vet and the animal shelter? I’m thinking since the animal shelter probably did a surgical sterilization on your kitty that it’s highly unlikely that they got it wrong. And I’m also thinking that your new vet was probably under a lot of other pressures at the time of the gender conversation.

    9. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

      Aww, now she’s a sweet boy! You don’t need to change how you feel about her/him at all… s/he was just misidentified all this time! But you still have all your history, your shared life… nothing really changes at all. From the cat’s perspective nothing is different (other than probably being mad at you for a while for the vet visit, if anything like my cats!) And for you… you have an extra-special cat who is just different than you thought!

      He will still be the first to greet you, to comfort you, to cuddle. Males are just as much (more actually in general) ‘cuddly’… and don’t you accept this cat regardless of their gender really?

      .. it may be worth it to check, though, if you want to be sure. Male and female genitals are very distinct after a certain (young) age.

      1. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

        And actually 2 of my 3 cats are litter-mates from a mother who was known as “Henry” (assuming she was a boy based on the ginger coloring (three-quarters of ginger cats are male but people assume that ‘all’ gingers are male)) until the point she was pregnant and became known as “Henrietta” !!

    10. Deanna Troi*

      This happened to my parents. They found a cat as a stray and thought it was a female. They took her to the clinic at the shelter for her annual shots, so she didn’t get a thorough vet evaluation. She was an inside cat so they weren’t worried about her getting pregnant, but after a few years took her to the vet to get her spayed. They found out she was a neutered mail – once they’re neutered, they look very much like a female. The kicker is – the cat’s name is Lady. They tried to call him Lord, but it didn’t stick. I will tell you that Lady doesn’t care at all that he has a feminine name and that he is referred to as “her.” They have had him for over 15 years and he is happy as a claim.

  64. Heffalump*

    Has anyone ever had experiences like this?

    Every so often I ask someone a question, and they try to second-guess me and respond according to what they think I’m “really” getting at. It leads to a “who’s on first” conversation. If they’d just answered my question as it stood, things would have been OK. Very frustrating when it happens.

    1. Overeducated*

      My husband used to do this a lot. Not so much recently. I would say “you’re jumping ahead to an answer you think I’m looking for, without answering the question I actually asked. Can you please take me literally?”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Husband still does it occasionally. When he starts talking over me, I just stop and stare at him. After a few seconds, he SIGHS, all “Go AHEAD.” And I finish my sentence, and it totally does not go where he thought it would :P

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I do it myself. I had to train my brain to pause to make sure I was forming an answer to match the actual question.

      When people do it to me, I tell people, “I know about xyz. What I am asking about is the adjacent W component.” I am a fine one for losing a whole train of thought if one part does not make sense. “So why does 2 apples plus 2 apples equal 5.43 apples?” This stuff derails me totally, I lose the whole thought.

    3. PollyQ*

      Auugh! Yes, that happens to me, and it’s a total pet peeve of mine. I’m someone who chooses my words rather carefully, so if I ask you something, that’s actually the thing I want answered. I don’t know a great way to say, “Thanks, but what I actually wanted to know was [thing I originally asked for]” without sounding at least a little rude, unfortunately.

      1. Heffalump*

        You could say, “When I ask you a question, please answer it as it stands and don’t try to second-guess me.” That wouldn’t be rude if your tone was matter-of-fact and not testy.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Hmmm. I really dislike “single frame of reference” questions. Those types of questions involve trust and a certain amount of 2 brains synchronizing. What I hear is often not the real question. I need to say “Why do you ask?” because – ulterior motives. (I hate “What are you doing this weekend?”)
      Often, I ask a question that’s tangential to my real question because of how my brain works. That’s my fault. So, as a courtesy, I try to add: “and the reason I ask is…” Interestingly, I am NEVER interrupted when I say “and the reason I ask is…”.
      An exchange of information can be like a train with wonky cars: need information / formulate question / ask question / hear question / interpret question / answer question. It can go off the rails at any point!
      Try analyzing the situation and see if you can come up with new techniques to get what you need faster.
      Best of Luck to all of us!

    6. Salymander*

      Yes, husband does this frequently. I just walk away, because he will then endlessly expound on the answer he thinks I need, rather than the one I actually need. And no amount of correction helps, he just keeps banging on. I go back maybe an hour later and sometimes get an answer. Or not.

      This whole shelter in place thing.

    7. Pam*

      I tend to do the opposite. If people ask me a question, I may answer literally, knowing they are actually wanting a more wide-spread answer. (usually my sister) Example: “did you go to the store?” “No.” rather than “No, I went for a walk.” If you want to ask “Where did you go?”, just ask it!

  65. TimeCat*

    Hah, this happened with my mom’s cat. He was given to her by a neighbor (over time the two cats fought more and more) and was told it was a girl. Mom took him to the vet for the first time and turns out the cat was male.

    1. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      My mom fosters bottle kittens for the local shelter and the amount of times we’ve had to change/switch around an entire litter’s names because it turns out they’re not what the shelter said they were…. (sometimes we just leave it as is but that always leads to confusion when it’s adoption time)

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        To be fair, it’s REALLY hard to see teeny tiny parts on teeny tiny kittens, especially through fur. It’s hard to tell on adult cats sometimes with all the fur!

    2. RC Rascal*

      We also adopted a kitten that was supposed to be a girl and turned out to be a boy. He was a great cat!! But he was lightly made & had a high pitched meow. It was easy to see how he was mistaken for a female.

      1. TimeCat*

        My brother had to give his cat to my mom when he moved abroad and despite the both being fixed my mom’s cat sings love songs to her at night. So I guess we would have figured out he was male then.

        1. KristinaL*

          My 3 cats are all “fixed”, and my male cat trills at the female cats sometimes. It’s cute, and no one seems to mind.

  66. LossMom*

    As I mentioned last week, I am the mother of a baby girl who died last summer after spending her life in the NICU. People are weird and awkward around infant loss, often because they just don’t know what to say or what not to. A simple Google search provides a lot of really good advice from infant and child loss websites around ways to be supportive but people don’t seem to be finding that advice. So I have decided to try to start sharing some suggestions on things that are and are not helpful, based on my experiences and those of some other loss parents I know. My goal is to share one unhelpful thing and one helpful thing each time I post. I hope you never need to use this.
    This week’s suggestion of what not to say is asking a loss parent if/when they are going to “try again”. People love to ask baby loss parents when we’re going to have another baby. I had someone ask me this less than three weeks after my daughter died. I think this is kindly meant, as people think having another child will help ease the loss. The thing is, children are not interchangeable. Even if I have six more children, my firstborn will always be gone. I will always want her, I will always wonder who she would have been, and I will always miss her. If I am lucky enough to have another child, they won’t be a replacement baby, they will be their own person and deserve to be treated as such. On the other hand, this week’s suggestion of a helpful comment is to simply let the loss parent know you remember their baby. I have a dear friend who called me on Christmas to tell me she missed my daughter and she was really sad my baby wasn’t having her first Christmas. That same friend texts occasionally to let me know she is thinking of my daughter or looking at some of her pictures. Those messages are treasures for me. My world as I knew it ended forever the day my daughter died. When other people let me know that they grieve her, that they remember her and miss her it lets me feel less alone and is one of the few things that can ease the ache a little.

    2. Ellie Mayhem*

      Thank you for this. I have been thinking of you and praying for you since you shared your story last week.

    3. Auntie Social*

      And you should still have a Mother’s Day. Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      This advice about saying the loved one is still remembered is precious advice that can be used in a variety of settings. I ran into someone who said they still remembered my husband after all these years. My heart was so touched. Very valuable piece of advice, so simple and easy to do and so heart-filling.

    5. The Francher Kid*

      Odd as this may sound, thank you for knowing that each child is an individual and should never be expected to take this place of another. I was both unplanned and a replacement baby, born 10 months after the death of a very cherished 5-year-old daughter. I was expected to be just like her and was reminded all the time that I was not. I know now after a lot of therapy that they were in pain as well and did not get a chance to grieve her properly. I felt unwanted and I think they also felt guilty because everyone thought they were so lucky to have another girl so quickly.

      I am very sorry for your loss, as well as deeply touched by your generosity of spirit.

    6. Generic Name*

      Thank you for posting this. My sister was pregnant with twins and one did not make it. She birthed one daughter live and the other still. I hope to god no one has ever said, “Well at least you have one daughter” Just no. They are not interchangeable

      1. LossMom*

        Oh god, I have heard of this type of comment happening to parents who lose one twin and not the other. The insensitivity is breathtaking.

    7. Rollergirl09*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. With any type of grief people stumble all over themselves to say the right thing and usually get it horribly wrong. With infant loss, people do an exceptionally bad job and the platitudes are rage inducing.

      That said, I’m so glad you are holding space for this life lost too soon. Many grieving parents DO rush into having another. But babies aren’t goldfish, you don’t just go buy a new one when the other one is gone. If and when you are ready, I hope you share the memory of your firstborn with your children.

      1. LossMom*

        “But babies aren’t goldfish, you don’t just go buy a new one when the other is gone.” May I borrow this analogy? It’s so perfect.

    9. JKP*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know if this helps. I worked with many couples in childbirth classes and years ago visited a client who’s baby was in the NICU and didn’t get to go home. We’ve long since lost contact, so there’s no way for me to reach out, but I do still sometimes think about meeting her little baby. I also had a couple different friends who died when we were children, and I will sometimes remember moments together and wish I could reach out to their parents to let them know I was remembering them, but I have no way to do so. I guess what I’m awkwardly trying to say is that all the people who met your daughter probably think of her sometimes even if they don’t have a way to let you know that.

    10. Sarah*

      I missed your post last week as I’m not on here often over the weekend, but I, too, spent almost all five months of my firstborn daughter’s life in the NICU. She would be 15 next Saturday. Your advice is spot on, and if you need a listening ear, or want to vent to someone who’s been there, I’m here for you.

      My thoughts 15 years out are that it’s like a scar. The pain is not as ever present as it was when she first died, but it still flares up sometimes. While my life has continued on and I have two lovely additional children, I am forever changed for having her in my life. (This is perhaps too dark for you, but one thing that was bizarrely comforting was that in an autopsy you can tell if a women has given birth, so that if something happened to me, there was a sign that she had existed).

      1. LossMom*

        Thank you for this and thank you for reaching out. I’m so grateful for the generosity of the loss parent community and how so many of you that are further along the path have reached out to those of us who are new to this journey. It has helped me survive. In case we don’t cross internet paths next weekend, happy birthday to your daughter. I hope that day is gentle on your heart.

        Thank you for sharing that information about autopsies, I actually found it really comforting as well. It scares me to know how easily my daughter’s existence could be erased and knowing I carry that evidence of her with me means a lot to me.

    11. allathian*

      I am so sorry for your loss.
      I’m paraprasing some online columnist here, but I think the sentiment is very valid: a person who has lost their spouse is a widow/widower. A person who has lost their parents is an orphan. But we don’t have a name for people who have lost a child.

  67. Pregnancy talk *

    Flagging the subject in the name –

    I had a prenatal appt. 23w now. Baby is doing well praise God. I still have about 4 months left and so anxious to meet baby potato. 

    Me — the shopaholic! — hasn’t done any shopping. I’ve bought maybe 4 outfits in the last 5 months or so but nothing substantial. Husband and I planning to buy the absolute bare minimum and go as we need, but I’m getting anxious now that things are expected to be shut down even further so I’m collecting things as we go along.
     
    It’s so overwhelming all the options and price points. Thankfully I had a friend who gave birth recently and patiently walked me through it all and I was able to narrow it all down. I spent most of yesterday researching and compiling my list of things – not even gonna blame quarantine for this, I’d probably be doing this even if I was working lol.
     
    I created a registry but it’s to keep things in one list — I haven’t shared it with anyone and I don’t really intend to unless anyone asks. I don’t think I’ll be having a baby shower now. I’m glad that we’re in a position to afford most of the things I want, I’m just sad I won’t have the little party I wanted with my friends.

    1. Cat*

      Baby stuff is massively discounted right now. It’s a good time to be shopping for it in that sense. My baby is five months but I just picked some 6-12 month stuff up for her on primary.com which I usually reject as too expensive. Yesterday I saw a playmat I bought for $110 at $60. Obviously shopping is more complicated but when you have to buy stuff, the prices will be better than usual.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Oh I LOVE primary esp their white rainbow stuff but i have yet to buy anything. I will check out the sale. For now I’m only buying clothes that should cover baby potato for the first month and (hoping by September things will have settled down and I can shop in stores again) the standard gear, stroller car seat bassinet, bath tub etc.

        Two of the things I found SO confusing were feeding and diapering – I’ve read so much over the years that babies don’t like certain bottles or certain diapers so I’m hesitant on buying any of that stuff until the last moment (so I could return it after). I plan to breastfeed but I know that can’t always happen for various reasons

        1. Cat*

          So bottles can be an issue. I would recommend getting sample kits. Most registry services (babylist, Amazon, etc) will send you sample boxes that will include a couple of kinds of bottles as will Motherhood Maternity if you buy something there. That’ll give you a good number of bottles (and diapers) to try out.

          Diapers seem like there’s less variation to me. Pampers swaddles are more expensive than some but seem like a decent bet for most people. It’s easy to exchange diaper sizes if you buy the wrong size and have an unopened box so that’s good.

          1. Cat*

            Also make sure you get your free breast pump from insurance in advance. They can lend you one in the hospital if need be but if the baby has latch problems you might want it (and the bottles) right away.

            1. Potatoes gonna potate*

              I ordered the free breast pump! It says shipping in June.

              So about the diapers, someone below warned that Newborn size doesn’t last very long. From what I’ve been seeing most retailers sell them by the box in 80/90. I’m not sure I want to buy those just yet because everywhere I’m reading there’s a shortage of these supplies so I’d rather save it for the moms who need it right now.

              1. Cat*

                Hmm I think you can get packs of 24. My baby was actually in them for about six weeks but I know that varies.

      3. Carlottamousse*

        My sister in law recommended the recent primary sale and also Hanna Andersson, which had (still has?) half off of a lot of merchandise. I caved and got a few (irresistibly adorable) things even though we’re being gifted a bunch of hand-me-down clothes in the near future. :)

    2. Generic Name*

      You’re smart not to go overboard buying things. Baby clothing is sized by age, but some babies are bigger or smaller than the “standard”, and it’s kind of a bummer to have a cute outfit your baby never gets to wear because it’s out of season when it fits your baby. Same goes with baby gear. Some stuff that sounds like a great idea when your pregnant turns out not to fit in with your post-baby lifestyle.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s true, that’s why I’m trying to be conservative but then — OOO BOWS AND HEADBANDS! (have resisted temptation thus far). lol. I think that was the first thing I looked at – what will my lifestyle be post baby? and try to work from there.

      2. TimeCat*

        Some of the Ns didn’t fit my son when he was born. Don’t buy a ton of Ns (or N or 1 diapers).

    3. Insurance mom*

      Don’t be sad about the party! When this sh&$storm settles down you can have a meet-the-baby party and show off!

    4. Fikly*

      It’s incredibly difficult to predict what size baby will be when born – even the very late ultrasounds can be super off – so it’s very easy to end up buying things that just won’t fit. I’d stick to a bare minimum (and err on the big side) and then once baby is born, stock up – this is what friends and the internet are for.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’m not counting on friends or family to buy us anything for various reasons, so I’m trying to be best prepared as possible. For clothes the main thing I have in my Amazon cart is a 4-pack of onesies in newborn size. I have a couple of packs that are 0-3 months. Nothing too extravagant, basic brands. The fun stuff is soooo tempting!

        1. Cat*

          As an FYI, I think footie pajamas are the best items in newborn and 0-3 months, at least in fall/winter/spring. One piece keeps them warm and covered and you don’t have to do things like take off pants to change their diaper.

    5. Carlottamousse*

      Happy to hear your pregnancy is doing well! Lucie’s List has a great registry cheat sheet about basics you need and comparisons (pricing, reviews, etc.). Highly recommend if you’re looking for a good source of information to help parse down the overload of information and stuff out there. We also cancelled our baby party, but people kept asking for our (at the time also private) list, so we eventually sent it out, and our friends and family have said they like the happy distraction of baby shopping for us during this pandemic. It’s been actually a bit of a challenge keeping the list up to date as retailers (local and national) go out of stock of stuff seemingly at random.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Oh that’s awesome! My friends know I’m looking for stuff as I ask them for recommendations but no one has asked about my registry and I don’t expect them to. My friend was going to host the baby shower for me and we spent the weekend planning it (for June) but then the shut down happened and I’m not comfortable bringing it up.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            Can multiple people end up buying the same thing or do registries block that item from being purchased again to avoid having multiples of one item?

            I’ve never registered for anything before so this is all so new to me.

            1. Cat*

              They show them as “purchased” and grey them out. Someone could theoretically buy you another one but they’d have to go out of their way to do it. But you can register that you want more than one or something or allow people to make contributions to a more expensive item.

              1. Potatoes gonna potate*

                Oh ok – and is it inappropriate or weird to have 2-3 of the same thing? For ex/ can I put 3 different strollers on it and whoever wants to buy it can pick one? sorry if this is such a dumb question, I feel shy asking my friends group about this stuff

                1. Natalie*

                  There’s usually a place where you can write notes about specific items, so you could always clarify there. If someone does buy you one of the three strollers (or whatever) I would also probably remove the other two.

                2. Carlottamousse*

                  I think you could put three strollers down and mark one as a priority/essential purchase if it’s your favored one (this is a babylist feature, not sure about other sites), but then you’d have to actively go in and remove the other two strollers from your list if someone got you one and you didn’t want the other two. Admittedly, I think the point of having and providing such a list is that you choose what you want so other people don’t decide for you when getting you gifts, so it might come across as a bit off to some to see you have three strollers listed on your list without an explanation of context. For example, on babylist, you can add notes under each item, so you could say under each one — “would like one of these three strollers” or something like that.

                3. Cat*

                  I think you kind of need to pick. You could have different kinds of strollers – a car seat snap and go and then a regular stroller, for instance. But people want to go to the registry to make their life simple rather than to make choices.

                4. Washi*

                  Yeah, I think it’s better to pick (if it’s all the same type of stroller and you wouldn’t want all 3) especially if it’s the kind of registry where you can contribute an amount towards a more expensive item. Otherwise you might end up with bits of money on all three, and I don’t know if you could then pool them together to get one stroller?

                  Idk, I feel like the point of a registry is eliminating guesswork about what you want, so I would be confused and worried about getting the wrong one or seeming cheap for just getting the cheapest one if I couldn’t see the difference between them.

            2. Natalie*

              You can also mark things as purchased if you end up buying them yourself. We did that after canceling our shower and using our completion coupon to buy some necessities.

              No guarantee someone won’t remember you wanted X but not check that it’s been purchased, but you can always return things.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Also, is a diaper bag really necessary? I have like 8 million purses and I don’t want to buy more (even though they’re so cute!). From what I’ve been able to see, diaper bags have lots of compartments, I do have a few tote bags that I could just use inserts or pouches for. I can’t think of anything that would be an emergency that taking a few seconds to take it out would be disastrous.

      1. Generic Name*

        I used a giant tote bag for a diaper bag. There’s really no reason any bag or large purse can’t be used. You might want to look for a small pad to put in it to lay the baby on for diaper changes. Sometimes you need to do the diaper change in the middle of nowhere and it’s nice to have a buffer between a poopy baby and the back seat of your car or whatever.

      2. legalchef*

        You’ll need a cooler for milk/formula/bottles (if you do them), a wet pouch for the inevitable spit ups, blow outs, etc, a pouch for a change of clothes, stuff for diaper changes. I recommend a diaper changing clutch, that will have a space for diapers, wipes, and a changing pad that you can just grab out of a larger bag. Link to follow in reply.

        2. legalchef*

          I’d also suggest looking into a registry like Babylist, which lets you put things from multiple stores on one list.

  68. Bluebell*

    So- for those who celebrated your spring holiday this week, how was your Seder? And how is Passover going? We did a Zoom Seder with our synagogue on Weds night, followed by one with my sisters and mom on Thursday night. My mom is in her 80s and we needed to give her technical assistance but in the end it was a lot of fun, and she really appreciated it. Shabbat dinner was nice last night but it felt funny not to have the laptop on the table. This is the first year we are eating kitniyot.

    2. Blueberry*

      My housemates’ two virtual Seders were very convivial and lovely. The part of me which will always be a fantasy-reading kid felt like we were connecting with everyone else through a portal in a frame.

    3. PollyQ*

      I did a Zoom seder with extended family, and by and large, it went very well. We had a great “turnout”, esp. since people who aren’t in the area and don’t usually attend in person were able to join us virtually. We usually do a lot of singing, and that was tricky due to lack of synchronization, so we had to cut back on that. I’m not a religious person, but it meant a lot to me that we were able to keep up the tradition even in the midst of all that’s happening (and not happening) right now.

    4. OyHiOh*

      I didn’t even attempt a Seder. I had a couple options to call in with adopted family but ended up not doing either. In the end was just too much obligation. Dragons and I had a bit of a talk around our dinner because that was as much as I could manage

      Our Conservative synagogue is threatening (my words, my tastes run to Sephardic cusine rather than Ashkenaz) a “special after the holidays festival meal” (the Seder meal that was prepared and frozen before everything got cancelled. Going to hold out for cheesecake at Shauvot (spring harvest festival 40 days after 1st night of Passover; Christians will know this day as Pentacost) instead!

    5. Ali G*

      We usually have the in-laws over for East-Over (I’m Jewish and they are Catholic), but of course that wasn’t happening this year. So we aren’t doing anything special. We’ll throw a hunk of meat on the smoker tomorrow and I am making bread dough after dinner to rise overnight.
      It sucks because it is usually a nice weekend with Hubs parents, which we don’t see often. We did a Zoom chat this morning so that will have to suffice for now.

  69. Overeducated*

    Hi all, thanks for the mattress buying advice a couple weeks ago! Did you know the world of online mattress comparison shopping is absolutely overwhelming in its detail? I started looking at Tuft & Needle based on suggestions here, and decided on Allswell Luxe at the same price point, since I thought a hybrid might be a safer bet than all foam after happily sleeping on pretty firm innerspring mattresses my whole life. I’m so excited to switch from full to queen with my hand me down frame when it comes – even though it’s only 6 inches bigger, I think it will make a big difference.

    1. Ali G*

      Just something I learned recently – those return policies are actually returns (the sleep on it for 100 nights and send it back). They actually don’t take them back, they landfill them. We learned this when we recently bought a Purple (the 4 is amazing). We originally bought a 3 and it was too hard. They wanted to pick it up and trash it! We ended up finding a charity to take it so we could still get our refund and get the 4 instead. But I was so upset that something perfectly great would end up in the trash.

      1. tangerineRose*

        It’s awful that they usually just trash them. Can’t they donate the beds themselves? Wouldn’t that be a good thing for them tax-wise as well as being better for the environment?

      2. Chaordic One*

        When I recently (last November) bought a mattress at “Mattress Firm” they had a large number of used (gently used and sanitized) mattresses. I was told that many of them were returns and that some of them were trade-ins. They looked new to me and if they hadn’t been labeled as being used I wouldn’t have known.

      3. Overeducated*

        I sure hope we like it, then! (Also because I just don’t want to deal with returns in the time of COVID.)

  70. Lemongrass*

    Really tired of all the jokes/memes about how much introverts are ‘thriving’ during social distancing. I’m totally an introvert but I love being outside, and I like being around people (if not interacting with them). I miss being able to go to my favourite coffee shops and enjoy the buzz of activity around me. I also miss places like theatres and cinemas, or outdoor markets, or all manner of other places that are no longer viable.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I wrote about this last week and I agree, on day 1 they were funny but now they’re getting tiresome and boring. Plus I hate that it makes introverts seem like they’re enjoying what’s going on (which is that people are literally dying) and that’s not true at all.

      2. Salymander*

        Yeah, I had an acquaintance make a pretty mean crack at me about this via text. I get that she is extroverted, and I’m not. I get that she is having a hard time with shelter in place (me too, duh). But being an introvert doesn’t make me callous and indifferent to human suffering. Jeez.

      1. Llama Face!*

        Yeah, most of my favourite introvert activities were the “alone in a crowd” type, like reading in a coffeeshop or going to the library or solo shopping and people-watching in the mall. And everything outside my house makes me feel hypervigilant these days so I feel like I’m stuck at home in solitary confinement at times. Totally different from chosing to take introvert time by myself!

    3. Parenthetically*

      I had a tantrum last night about just being able to pop to the grocery for a couple of things, or run by the library and grab the next book in the series, or leave early to pick my older kid up from school (*sobs forever*) and sit with a latte at the coffee shop for 15 minutes. I am totally an introvert, and even a homebody, but this SUCKS.

    4. LQ*

      I miss brunch. I miss quiet dinner out alone. I miss coffee. I am angry that I can’t be all annoying about eating breakfast outside today at my local place. I miss the farmers market. I miss feeling bad that I haven’t tried a new place in a while.

      I’m entirely with you on being tired of those jokes.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I threw a small bit of a tantrum a couple days ago because a couple of my favorite breakfast/lunch places would be opening up patio seating this week if not for crisis and being restricted to takeout/delivery only. I miss running out for breakfast after seeing children off to school, sitting out front under a big umbrella with window boxes of petunias lining the rail. Coffee, fruit, and sweet cream crepes or toasted potica (a filled and rolled yeast bread from eastern europe).

    5. tangerineRose*

      I’m an introvert, but this stay in place stuff is still tough. Probably easier than if I were an extrovert, but no, this isn’t great.

    6. WS*

      Ha, yes, I’m an introvert…but I’m in an essential healthcare job and seeing more people than ever!

    7. The Other Dawn*

      I really tired of the memes and jokes, too. So many people haven’t a clue what being an introvert means. I’m an introvert and all it means is that I recharge through alone time. It doesn’t mean I actually like being alone all the time, or that I don’t want to go out and do things, or that I hate people or hate talking to my coworkers. It just means that after I do those things, I sometimes feel drained and want to go and read a book to recharge.

    8. allathian*

      It’s simplistic to think that introverts are ‘thriving’ and extroverts are suffering during this social distancing. Especially for introverts who are also socially anxious, this can be really tough.

  71. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

    Are those giant inflatable balls any good for sitting on? I work from home and spend a lot of time at my desk. I also internalize my stress/anxiety, so I’ll find myself with my behind on the edge of my chair with one leg wrapped around the other so tight that my knee hurts. Would a giant inflatable ball force me into a better posture?

    1. HamlindigoBlue*

      I like them. Which reminds me…I should start using mine while I work from home. Because I’ve got kids at home who need help with e-learning, using the office in the basement is not ideal due to the amount of help they need, so I’ve just been sitting at the dining room table. Dining room chairs are not meant for all day use. The ball I have has a weight at the bottom, so it doesn’t wobble too much.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      There are chairs that encase those big inflatable balls for extra stability. There’s also a flat wobble cushion you can put in a regular chair to keep your core moving. These items won’t make your posture better. Your chair, table and laptop need to all be in ergonomic positions and your spine needs to be straight for better posture. An adjustable chair and an architect’s (adjustable in height and tilt) table would be better options for posture issues. You can also buy a harness-thing to wear around your shoulders so you can’t slump, etc.
      I hope your knee stops hurting soon.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I loved mine but a few caveats.
      1. Get the right size, check its weight limit, and keep it inflated properly.
      2., Plan to work your way up to using it fulltime. The first day I used mine, I was tired after an hour.
      3. You can’t roll from one place to another.
      4. If it gets scratched it’s a collapse hazard so no letting kids & co-workers play with it. That’s why I’m no longer using one.

  72. Anon and alone*

    ******************
    Happy Birthday
    ******************

    To all those who celebrate a birthday the week of April 11 to April 18, may you have a nice day, with those you love and who love you, both human and non-human, virtually or in person. May you enjoy the foods and drinks you like (and dance a little, if you’re so inclined). No matter how you’re celebrating, know that there are those out here who also wish you a Happy Birthday.

    Until next week.

    2. Rollergirl09*

      This is really kind. I don’t have a birthday any time soon, but I like the sentiment.

  73. Invisible Fish*

    That floofy cat is the twin of our most recent rescue. We are trying to find her a home that really deserves her. If you are prepped to spoil a floofy calico, hit me up!

  74. juliebulie*

    I gave myself a buzz cut last Sunday because I got tired of trying to make my hair look nice for Skype calls. I LOVE IT. Now I don’t have to do anything with my hair anymore. Not a thing. I mean I wash what’s left of it, but that’s all. No more worrying about cowlicks and bangs that stick up, etc. I wonder how long I can let it get before it becomes a nuisance again.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I did something similar. I was going to do a buzz cut because I just didn’t want to deal with hair on top of everything else.

      But when that place became WFH, I thought screw it‒going for a mohawk. I had one when I was a kid, and have always wanted one again before I die. I thought if I go under because of this thing, at least I’ve knocked that much off my bucket list.

    2. Jaid*

      Did a #2 buzz on the whole head earlier this week. Normally the top is about a #12, but I couldn’t be bothered to deal with keeping a straight part.

      Best part is no more bed head for now.

      1. juliebulie*

        Bed head was my motivation. I’d rather shower at night than in the morning, but sleep does a number on my hair.

        It still does, in fact. It’s just harder to tell now!

    3. Blueberry*

      Heh, haircuts seem to be a trend right now. My boss also gave himself a buzzcut and we all cracked up when we saw him on the morning video chat. (He looks good — as I told him, he has an elegantly shaped skull — it was just funny to see the dramatic change.) My roommate has been trimming his hair and beard shorter every day.

    4. Llama Face!*

      I am getting really tired of my growing out pixie and am SO tempted to buzz it. I have a beard trimmer style electric razor with different length detachable guards (that I got for trimming my low back-of-neck hairline). Think that would work?

      I don’t even have a 3-way mirror: I will probably have to hold my hand mirror and face away from the bathroom mirror while using the razor in my other hand. A tad awkward!

      1. juliebulie*

        It might. My clippers cost less than $13 at CVS though so if you’re not sure, get the “haircut kit” (I think it was called).

        I don’t have a 3-way mirror either. I did most of it blind, actually, with my head over the wastebasket. Then checked with a hand-mirror-in-bathroom mirror for the spots I missed.

        Full disclosure: I still had cowlicks that made it look uneven, so I trimmed the worst bits with scissors. I only used the #4 clippers so we are only talking a few millimeters here and there.

        2. Llama Face!*

          Thanks, juliebulie. Unfortunately I’m extremely limited in my available shopping atm (only whatever is within walking distance) so will need to work with what I’ve got on hand if I decide to go for the buzz.
          That’s a good point on the scissors trim; I’m also a cowlick-haired person so will have to watch out for those bits!

    5. Jessen*

      I’ve been sporting a buzz cut for the last 3 years or so. Started when I was doing 10h night shift work and I just wanted to roll out of bed, dress, and go. Had just bought clippers to start doing it myself before this whole mess hit. Now I can practice without worrying! Love it though, honestly.

      I’ve been thinking once this is all over I may go buy a nice wig. Indulge my long hair fantasies without having to take care of it every single day.

        1. Jessen*

          I was thinking mostly of having a “special occasion” wig. Keep the buzz cut for most days, but if I want to go out and have a fancy evening I can wear a wig.

    6. nep*

      Nice!
      I absolutely loved having a buzz cut–I’ve done it two times (so far). Heavenly in so many ways.
      Enjoy.

    7. voluptuousfire*

      I’ve had a buzz cut for about 1.5 years and I usually found I got frustrated with it in the 7 week mark. Then again, I usually buzzed it down to a 1.

  75. Ermintrude*

    Pokemon go – apologies to friends who I am not sending gifts to. I don’t live within walking distance of a pokestop so my gift gathering opportunities are very limited. Sorry!

    1. Retail not Retail*

      As long as you keep opening them, man, we’re cool.

      My gifts have been paltry this week, what with sticking to my neighborhood and not work. But i always start with who’s at the bottom – those best friends can wait!

      0604 1226 1872

    2. LGC*

      I’m so sorry.

      Quick question – are you still looking to make friends? Because I have the opposite problem. I’m looking to get rid of gifts!

      By the way – 0894 2698 3089

      1. Ermintrude*

        Ooh yes more poke-friends are good

        And it’s ok, I live in the countryside so everything bar my pokestop access is good

    3. Cruciatus*

      I figured. I’m still able to (safely!) get out and about in an area heavy with Pokestops without seeing a whole lot of people so just keep opening mine if you want, send some if you’re able to (no pressure). But if you thought you kept getting the same gift before, now that I stay home from work and don’t play there it’s going to get even more repeptitive! But isn’t it great to open a gift and get 12 balls?

      Don’t forget though! Right now eggs from gifts are 7km eggs disguised as 2 km eggs so you don’t have to put too much time into them! Turn on adventure sync while you walk around the house and they’ll hatch in no time. I got two riolus today from “7K” eggs (though no shiny ones yet).

      1. Ermintrude*

        Yes – I have adventure mode on although I keep forgetting to carry my phone with me ‍♀️

    4. blaise zamboni*

      I’m in the same boat! I added a bunch of people earlier this year and haven’t been able to reciprocate any gifts for over a month. (You’re one of them — thank you for that btw!) I’m in healthcare and my company was hit hard a few weeks prior to our local outbreak, frantically prepping for the inevitable, so I’ve been pulling OT and haven’t been able to go outside basically at all since the first week of March.

      I’ve been so ashamed about the gifts waiting for me in my inbox because I can’t reciprocate :( There are a few pokestops in walking distance of me so I’ll try to visit those tomorrow and on my WFH days, and slowly start sending gifts out again. I know it’s not the most critical thing in this uncertain time, but I really enjoyed the gift-giving and -receiving process. I miss it! I can’t wait to be back to my normal, and this game became part of it for me.

      1. Ermintrude*

        It’s fun isn’t it! Have you seen they have 1 pokecoin offers in the shop to help you keep playing indoors?

  76. Sunflower*

    I posted a few weeks ago looking for recommendations on a folding exercise bike that I’d most likely sell after the quarantine ends because I live in a small apartment with roommates. It didn’t occur to me until further research that I can’t stand up and pedal on the bike so now I’m re-thinking how useful it would be for me. I’d like to get something versatile that I can use for actual exercise in addition to keeping my body moving when I’m on the computer or watching TV.

    I’m wondering if anyone uses one of those under the desk peddlers and if they can be as effective as an exercise bike? I figure I’d at least be able to use that during the day and bring it into the office when it eventually opens back up.

    My other option is I have a beach cruiser that I think I can put on a stand and ride stationary.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have one that I’ve been using 30 minutes a day, every day, since November. I got mine for $25 from Target’s website. It kinda depends on your definition of “effective” – for me, I use it consistently and I break a sweat, which qualifies as effective as far as I’m concerned. :) But it’s not burning 500 calories in the 30 minutes or anything, and I get more results out of watching my food intake than using my pedals. My goal with the pedals was just to ensure that I get 30 minutes of at least some activity a day, and doing it while I’m working (at home) is the most effective for me.

    2. Anono-me*

      I have one of the little under desk peddler things. I think I spent between $10 to $15 on it. It squeaks a little bit so I had to bring it home from the office. It is not nearly as much exercise as a proper exercise bike. But it is better than nothing and does get the blood moving a little bit

    3. Melody Pond*

      I had a DeskCycle for a while – it was either $120 or $160 on Amazon? So not super cheap, but I really felt like it was worth it – it was VERY quiet (used magnetic resistance) and I could definitely get my heart rate up while working – and I think that was maybe only on setting 4 out of 8.

      I will say, though, that the desk really needs to be adjustable height, and in an ideal world, you’d have an adjustable keyboard tray that you can bring down to the right height for your hands. Because otherwise your knees are likely to smack underneath the desk.

  77. I'm just here for the cats*

    My upstairs neighbor a d friend are moving in June. Our landlord wants to show the apartment. Currently out state is on stay at home orders. My neighbor is worried about having people come look at the apartment. Her husband has recovered from cancer, so he is high risk. And her son has asthma. Could a tenant push back about having people in the apartment. Is April to soon to show an apartment that wont be ready until June?

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      She could ask but she doesn’t have a legal case to decline if the landlord provides reasonable notice.

          1. Jedi Squirrel*

            It varies from state to state, but unless this were for medical conditions, I doubt house shopping is considered essential.

            1. Natalie*

              I don’t think that’s the case, most states consider moving and related activities essential, and the orders don’t generally parse why you’re moving or anything.

              For some reason a lot of people online are interpreting “essential” as “life or death” but that’s really not how these orders are written, by and large.

              1. Courageous cat*

                Yep. Essential just means it’s not like, extremely frivolous. Moving falls into the category of not being frivolous. People still have to move.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      The point of stay at home orders is that people need to stay home, and not visit other people. I would push back really hard on this point, especially given her husband’s condition.

      These are not normal times.

      2. tangerineRose*

        I wonder if a reporter would find this an interesting story – a landlord who’s willing to risk the lives of 2 people who are at more risk than most.

        1. I'm just here for the cats*

          We don’t want to do that. This isn’t some big cooperation or a slum Lord. They are just a family. His wife had this property before they married and so they rent the units out. It’s just a subdivided house. They are truly amazing landlords and care for.their tenants. The window broke a d hit me in the head and when we called them the first thing they said was asking if I was alright. The furnace went. We’ve had pipes break, furnace and AC go out and they get it fixed immediately. He can be just a little dumb sometimes and so I don’t think he’s thought it through.

    3. Alex*

      April is definitely not early to be showing a June apartment–I’d consider that last minute, myself, but I live in a very tight rental market where apartments are often on the market and snapped up months before the move in date.

      Could your neighbor offer to make a video tour to give to prospective tenants to weed out ones that may not be interested after that? And require the viewings to be done with everyone wearing masks, and be asked not to touch any surfaces? I think the law states that a tenant must allow the landlord to show the apartment with 24 hours notice, but the laws weren’t written with a pandemic in mind.

      1. Filosofickle*

        It’s really interesting how this varies by location. Where I live one of the top two craziest real estate markets in the country, apartments are rarely shown until vacant and cleaned/painted. Then the landlord expects you to start your lease immediately or nearly so. It creates such chaos and extra expense (when rents are already astronomical).

    4. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Check with your state and local governments. The local emergency order in Somerville, Mass.explicitly forbids in-person showings of occupied rental units: landlords are advised to ask tenants for photos or video of the apartment, or to show a similar unoccupied unit when possible.

      Along with that, for the duration of the emergency, all non-emergency work in occupied units is forbidden.

      This absolutely makes sense: if it’s not safe for your best friend or the downstairs neighbor to come over for lunch, it’s also not safe for multiple other people to come in, and then do the same thing in other apartments. Nor is that safe for the apartment-hunters.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Several states are forbidding in-person showings of occupied rental units. She could check her state’s orders.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Can you/she call your local 311 or city govt to ask for advice (or report the landlord)? Our governor has ordered no group showings and no violating social distancing policies for single showings — showing the apartment of an at-risk person to multiple people is absolutely no different than having multiple dinner parties, which is very much not allowed right now.

    7. I'm just here for the cats*

      Thank you all for your replies. I will pass that info on to my neighbors. One thing I want to mention is we don’t want to cause problems. Our landlords are AMAZING like I lost my job and they were ok with rent being a little late, and Even suggested working at their store if I needed money. They are the nicest landlords ever.
      We did learn that there is one specific couple that he has in mind. Sounds like it is an employee of his. So it would just be 1 or 2 people plus the landlord, not lots of people in and out. They typically don’t show the place until they are sure of the Tennant’s and they are very picky. Plus it sounds like it would be towards the end of the month

  78. Jedi Squirrel*

    Mom issues. Not necessarily looking for sympathy or advice; just need to rant.

    My mom is 69 and it’s really hard to have a conversation with her. She just goes on and on about things she knows I don’t really care about (celebrities) or rants on about politics (we’re on the same side of the spectrum, so preaching to the choir, plus it’s depressing so I don’t want to talk about it at the best of times anyway). She’ll ask a question and then not even wait for an answer. I can literally just put the phone on speakerphone and set it down. If there is a pause, which I interpret as her waiting for me to add something to the conversation, she’ll just start talking over me. (I think she was just catching her breathe or thinking of the next thing she was going to say.)

    I just got off a call with her and she asked me a question which I actually answered five different times, but she didn’t notice until I actually said “stop talking” five times in a row. (Yeah, it’s that bad.) I have tried to tell her that conversations are meant to be a back-and-forth exchange, and less just a news/opinion broadcast, but it doesn’t seem to get through to her. She’s been like this a long time, so this isn’t an age thing. She’s pretty much driven off all their friends. She always brings everything back to something about her. If I mention something about work, she’ll start going on about something similar (or even not so similar) that happened to her at work twenty-five years ago and that’s what we end up talking about. It’s at the point now where I don’t even mention anything new to her because she won’t take the blindest bit of notice. I could literally sit there and say something like “my house is on fire” and she wouldn’t even notice.

    TL;DR: my mother is a podcast.

    1. Pumpa Rumpa*

      I think we have the same mother.

      Mine passed away 2 years ago, but speaking with her was the same experience you’re describing. I could never get a word in edgewise, she would always change the subject to be about her, etc. She would always get mad at me that I never talked about myself, but she never wanted to listen when I tried. I eventually had to limit myself to one phone call per month.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I’m sorry for your loss.

        Thanks for replying. It’s helpful to know that it’s just me.

    2. Kuododi*

      Ouch!! I do feel your pain. My mother has similar behavior in her daily interactions with family and friends. (She’s got dementia secondary to TBI. ) I don’t have any words of wisdom simply know you and your mother are in my heart. Blessings Kuododi

    3. Ice Bear*

      This is why I don’t call my mom anymore. It’s just frustrating because my parents are self absorbed, and so are the “kids”, so partner and I are stuck between both with no one who cares to listen to what WE have to say. Everyone just talks AT us.

    4. Rebecca*

      This is my mother! And I’m trapped in a house with her, so I can’t just put the phone down. Oh, if only. I literally have to walk away and say, I’m not discussing this any further when she goes on her nonsensical political rants. And my mother has all but driven off everyone, in fact, one of her friends called me to ask if she’s “on something”. She drones on and on about minor health issues, everything is terrible, “they” don’t want us to have anything to eat (she’s angry about food shortages, we have food to eat but it does not meet her exacting standards of healthiness), something about the globalists and I have no idea what else.

      I feel your pain. It won’t get better. My mother is 84 and if anything, it’s just getting worse.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      I am sorry.
      Do you suspect your mom is on a spectrum? I have a relative who is a non-stop talker. She will never end a conversation and hints don’t work. It’s exhausting. She might be on a spectrum due to this and other chronic issues. Her boss resorts to “Jane! Hush!” several times a day. Sometimes, knowing a person can’t help themselves can help you. Other times, please save yourself as best you can.
      Sympathies.

    7. Frankie Bergstein*

      This sounds frustrating and really painful — it’s like you’re not even there and your presence doesn’t even matter. Ouch. I’m so sorry.

    8. allathian*

      Why do you even talk to her? Five minutes a month would be my limit. But then, I have reasonable parents and in-laws that I actually enjoy talking to…

  79. Colin Robinson, DayWalker*

    I’m running out of activities to keep myself and my teenaged gremlins busy during lockdown. You can only play the same board games so many times.

    Any suggestions?

    dungeons and dragons: campaign ideas?
    Games to play outside?

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’ve been doing walking tours of foreign cities on Google maps street view. Just drop yourself in the middle of some city you’ve always wanted to visit and walk around.

      Geez, I miss crowds now. Never thought I would say that.

      1. Grace*

        The gamified version of that is Geoguessr – my house played it with the no cheating rules, no googling allowed, but other people let players hop to another tab to google landmarks. Sometimes you’ll get dropped in the middle of a forest and “Oh wow I guessed the correct continent” is an achievement, but we play the UK-only version and try to narrow it down to the town, or preferably the street.

        3. Ron McDon*

          We love Geoguessr – I also got my colleagues (teachers) into it. It’s great fun and so satisfying when you guess quite close to the right location!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Mine is a Pathfinder house, but there’s about a kazillion and twelve Pathfinder and Starfinder campaign paths, and Pathfinder (first ed) and Starfinder are both based off D&D 3.5 so conversion wouldn’t be too difficult. (Some of the earlier Pathfinder campaign paths are from when they were still using D&D 3.5, in fact; I had to convert some of the Legacy of Fire stats from 3.5 to Pathfinder on the fly.)

        1. AcademiaNut*

          Switching from D&D 3.5 to Pathfinder is pretty straight foward, and the core rulebooks are on line (also Google the Javascript Pathfinder Character Generator for a nice tool for making standard characters.).

          For campaign ideas – I ran a two person campaign one time for a fantasy urban setting, inspired by a bit by the Fahrad and the Grey Mouser stories. A social/sneaky thief and a versatile magic user, at about level five, working as mercenaries in a large medieval cities. It was well suited to short, self-contained campaigns, very non combat oriented. They investigated hauntings, tracked down drug dealers and were-beasts, stole things for pay, did spy work, and so on. Of course, they had to do all this without murdering city guards, or getting arrested for serious crimes.

          One dungeon that’s great fun – they go through a spiral like maze dungeon and find all the traps triggered, and the remains of a previous adventuring party. When they reach the centre and get the treasure, all the traps re-set and they have to work their way out.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            A Fafyrd campaign!? Did you design it? Is it commercially available? My husband & I are Leiber fans and long-time gamers… and the girl just started playing D&D with school friends.

    3. blackcat*

      Do you have a yard? How do you feel about re-landscaping? My neighbor’s teens are having an awesome time building some new raised beds and debating what they’re going to plant.

        1. blackhorse*

          Ohh, this is a good one. We decided to put in a vegetable garden for the first time in 4 years (might as well get something out of the fact that we’ll apparently be home all summer). Our kids are 11, 14 & 17 and I was amazed how into it they all got. Lots of discussion of where the plants should go and which varieties to get, and they were enormously helpful in digging the beds (you know, with a lot of instruction and a lot of patience).

    4. Blueberry*

      Watch Shakespeare plays online? Edutainment!

      Some D&D ideas *rummages my files*

      “Reverse Indiana Jones” — returning an artifact to its temple to undo the ongoing effects of the curse invoked when the artifact was taken.

      A tiefling orphanage’s inhabitants go on a mission to get candy from a nearby candy shop. All tiefling PCs are between 2 and 5 years old.

      dang, that’s all I have at the moment, but I’ll be thinking about this.

    5. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Is anybody into crafting? We’re having a lot of fun putting together little model kits. There’s a vast assortment of cool wooden kits that don’t require any tools or glue, and Metal Earth brand only takes a couple of pairs of pliers. They’re really inexpensive and have everything from insects to famous buildings.

      Or y’all could take up cross stitching, needle felting, jigsaw puzzles, sewing cloth masks to give away, bake dog treats for your neighbors, decorate the whole street with sidewalk chalk, learn to cook your favorite restaurant dishes, break out some classic party games like pictionary and charades.

    6. Anono-me*

      What are the teams in our neck of the woods is reusing odds and ends to create ramps for trick shots using a basketball or ping pong ball or golf ball. The successes are posted online.

      1. Anono-me*

        Oh boy, sorry serious auto correct fail. My post should start out “One of the teens in our neck of the woods…”

    7. GoryDetails*

      Re D&D ideas – don’t know if this would fly with your gang, but my group had fun with my “Mall on the Borderlands” campaign for “Call of Cthulhu” – a kind of Buffy-meets-eldritch-horrors, including the cheerleader characters leading a destroy-all-monsters spell in full cheer form. [Could probably be tweaked for D&D, with adventures set at the different booths at a fair, but I liked having the tentacled horrors peeking out from the racks of T-shirts at Hot Topic.]

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      If everyone plays D&D, this would be a good time to try a megadungeon campaign, where there’s a large compound to explore and try to clear sections of. I’m sure there are plenty of premade ones out there, but I don’t have specific suggestions since I tend to just run my own stuff.

      If you can get them involved in designing their own dungeons and campaigns, that can take a pretty much unlimited amount of time. I spent most of the summer between 8th and 9th grade creating an overly-detailed setting for a GURPS campaign (in retrospect, it would not have been a particularly good campaign setting because I filled in too many of the wrong kinds of details for actual play, but it was fun to make).

    9. Emily*

      You can get some pretty cool-sounding D&D adventures online! There’s a Scooby-Doo esque one-shot at this site called The Tremor Train that I’d love to play if I had a group and someone willing to DM for me.

      If you’re not opposed to playing things on the computer, you could do board games that you don’t own physical copies of online (if you want a specific game, you might be able to search for it, but if you just want games in general, there are a lot of websites and other options: yucata.de, boiteajeux.net, Board Game Arena, Tabletopia). Or computer/video games – some long-lasting games that you could potentially play together include Minecraft, Stardew Valley, Don’t Starve Together, or Death Squared. (Some of these options might work better if you have separate computers for everyone, though.)

      Other things that I’ve been doing during lockdown that may or may not interest you: cooking and baking, art (I have watercolors, but any medium should be fine), crafting (I hand-sewed a face mask from a pattern that was intended for a sewing machine, which took forever), running (outdoors and at a safe distance from others).

    10. juliebulie*

      D&D: Look online for floor plans of McMansions. Pick one and stock it. Have a wealthy person in a tavern hire your kids to “evaluate” the condition of this mansion that they inherited and know nothing about. State further that all the parties that have explored it thus far have not returned. Mine had a library with a talkative and friendly living statue, as well as a couple of dopplegangers posing as the last party to visit the place.

    11. Generic Name*

      I’ve been seeing YouTube videos of people making Rube Goldberg machines. If they’re into building/making that might be fun. Be prepared for it to take over a good part of your house.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I saw what I thought was a homemade dog agility course in someone’s yard…and the next time I learned it’s for the family’s kids. Pool-noodle hurdles, log-chunks as stepping stones, beams on blocks for balancing, a pallet staked at an angle to run up & jump off. I’m now looking around my place for ideas.
      And when the forecast bad weather passes, I’m setting up a tent outside!

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        I saw something similar in someone’s garage, which could work for inclement weather. Basically a giant “the floor is lava” game. Honestly, it looked super fun and I wanted to do it.

  80. Fikly*

    Can we do a podcast recommendation thread?

    I would describe my podcast taste as fairly ecclectic and random. Here’s some highlights:

    Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet: Themed one star Yelp reviews.
    Fake Doctors, Real Friends: Brand new, Zach Braff and Donald Faison from Scrubs have just started doing an episode by episode rewatch.
    History: The Shequel: Women in history you haven’t heard about.
    How Did This Get Made?: Terrible terrible movies.
    How Did This Get Played: Terrible terrible video games.
    In Bed with Nick and Megan: Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally do a podcast from their bed, sometimes with guests, sometimes just them.
    Issues in Archaeology: women hosted podcast about archaeology, and not just Egypt/Greece!
    Levar Burton Reads: what it says on the tin.
    Lost at the Smithsonian: Less than 1% of the Smithsonian’s collection is on display. Stories about things in storage.
    Mobituaries: Mo Rocca.
    No Such Thing as a Fish: Trivia by the QI elves.
    Our Fake History: Crazy conspiracy theories.
    Overheard at National Geographic: Science stories.
    Ridiculous History: Crazy but true things in history.
    Science Tangents: Themed episodes, hosts try to win points that they can spend to go off on tangents.
    Science Diction: Science etymology.
    Spacepod: what’s going on with people studying space?
    Spirits: Have a drink and hear about a myth/legend.
    Surprisingly Awesome: Hosts pick a topic which sounds boring, then tell non-boring stories about it.
    B0x of Oddities: Stories of weird things.
    The Worst Bestsellers: Bad books that are popular.
    Unladylike: Talking about things women aren’t supposed to do, and looking into why that is.
    Yo Gavel Gavel: Very new, each host recaps a case from a court show (ala Judge Judy) and the other guesses at the decision.
    The Allusionist: Language and etymology geekery.
    Ologies: Interviews with scientists.
    The Way I Heard It: Mike Rowe tells short stories about famous people that leave you guessing until the end who the person is.
    Sequelizers: When a great movie gets a bad sequel, two teams come up with new sequels, and one person picks a winner.
    Get Booked: Wide ranging book recommendation podcast – listeners write in wanting a rec, hosts respond. Very good with non-mainstream recs.
    Car Talk: Because it was never about the cars.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Ooh, thanks for this! I’ve been trying to get a lot of walking in and podcasts help. I generally like to listen to paranormal/crypto podcasts (I love weird things, but I don’t believe in any of it), and for some strange reason they’re all hosted by men with beards.

      1. LQ*

        Archeological Fantasies. Though Jeb and Ken were on a lot for most of the back catalog they aren’t any more and Sara Head is really good and the geneologist she has on a lot is also excellent.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          I’m still working my way through the back catalogue of this one. So many wacky claims! It’s infuriating and fascinating.

    2. Anonyme*

      All About Agatha (Christie) – Reading and ranking all of the books, short stories, plays etc..
      Stuff You Missed in History Class – Women, Hauntings, Labour Movement, Strange science, Art, Mad Royals, Sad royal childhoods…..
      This Podcast Will Kill You – History/Biology/Epidemiology of infectious diseases and organisms.
      GastroPod – Food
      Miss Information: A Trivia Podcast – A themed topic and bizarre quiz
      Ologies – Experts from any ology talk about their field
      I Spy – Spies from a variety of agencies talk about their career
      Historical Yarns – Knitting

    3. Grace*

      I’m so excited that the No Such Thing crew have re-released their first two series (eps 1-104) online for free! They were taken down so that you’d have to purchase them a while ago, which seems fair since they’re on #315-ish and you still have a lot to choose from, but In This Time Of Quarantine they’ve been re-released.

    4. LQ*

      Archaeological Fantasies Podcast: It’s about exploring some myths and pseudo archeology claims (no dinosaurs) I really enjoy this one, enough to put up with a slightly subpar audio quality, the back catalog is good too
      Monster Talk: A skeptical look at crytozology, they really want the monsters to be real, but have a strong understanding of science and the world (and like 10 too many puns)
      (And if you combine the dudes from those two you get In Research Of which is a rewatch of In Search Of, Jeb talks too much, but it’s pretty good)
      Smashing Security: Which is mostly awesome computer security related, but entirely relatable, I’ve gotten a weird number of people into this one
      The Reality Check: I mostly like this one, but also keep dipping back out of it, but I feel like it’s a good one to recommend because it covers a lot of interesting things
      Turn of Phrases: Which is a tiny little delight of words

      1. Fikly*

        My favorite way out there myth/archaeology theory is that an asteroid/comet/something hit the earth way more recently than we think, and is the origin behind the flood myths such as Noah’s Arc.

        The basis for this is that there are a surprising number of flood myths that seem to originate in many cultures around the world that had no contact with each other at approximately the same time, and there are also many places around the planet where an impact could have happened where it would have left essentially no trace (anywhere with deep water).

        It’s pretty much impossible to prove, but kind of fascinating and compelling.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          However, and this doesn’t necessarily speak to all of this, I like to keep in mind that our earliest sources for such folk tales are often Christian missionaries who were telling the people they encountered all the stories in the Bible at the same time. So some of these flood stories from places like Central America might be re-tellings of the stories the missionaries told the indigenous people, translated into the appropriate terms.

    5. PollyQ*

      Sadly, there were only 6 episodes made, but “The Mystery Show” by Starlee Kine was pure gold. The mysteries weren’t any sort of crimes, they were just puzzling things that couldn’t be figured out via a web search.

    6. Lost in the Woods*

      The Anthropocene Reviewed: short essays which review various aspects of the human centered planet on a five star scale; a quiet and beautiful set of meditations on various aspects of human life, both unusual and mundane.
      Revolutions: By far the best history podcast I’ve found; detailed and well sourced narrative telling the stories of major revolutions in modern history. The episodes are organized into ten relatively self contained seasons which interconnect in interesting and surprising ways (the tenth and final season on the Russian revolution is currently on a planned hiatus).
      Chemistry in its Element: brief (~7 minute) explorations of the stories behind chemical compounds
      2 Docs Talk: conversations about current topics in medicine from two doctors (also currently on hiatus for obvious reasons)

      For anyone else out there planning to apply to medical school:
      All Access Med School Admissions: interviews and conversations with admissions officers at various medical schools (geared towards an American audience); hosted by an admissions officer at Case Western. I sincerely doubt this would be interesting to anyone not planning on med school, but it’s invaluable insight if you are!

    7. Princess Deviant*

      Thanks for this.
      Griefcast – Cariad Lloyd talks about the human experience of death and grief with other comedians.

    8. DistantAudacity*

      Home Cooking – Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway are doing a quarantine home cooking podcast (I think 4? episodes are planned). Very enjoyable.

  81. OyHiOh*

    Our shelter in place has been extended to the end of April. School is officially on distance learning platforms until the end of our school year (June 8). Neither of these came as a big surprise, and I fully expect our shelter in place to get extended well into May before this is done, but both decisions make the already small walls of my home feel infintismal. I’ve had to allow myself to go numb and close off. I’ve chosen to trust that my friendships, outside the closest handful that I speak to daily, will still be there when this is over and putting less effort into the broader circles. I have finite resources, as we all do under the circumstances, and unfortunately or not, the dragons require most of those resources.

    Early in the week, Neptune and I floated the idea of taking a summer trip (with an “if it’s safe to travel in July” caveat) to a big city with a vibrant arts culture, only to see, the following day, one of the major performance centers in that city announce they’re going to be shuttered to the end of August, and I realized that even if society begin to wake up in June, the travel and dreams I/we had for this year are gradually being pushed into 2021. I think that’s becoming the hardest part, worse than the physical isolation: The realization that all I wanted to strive for this year has been put on hold, who knows for how long. I’m doing what I can. I’ve been listening to lectures and roundtables delivered by playwrights I admire, watching The Met’s nightly opera stream, the National Theater’s weekly stream (released on Thursdays) and Andrew Lloyd Weber’s productions (released on Fridays). They give me a rhythm to the week. My little theater dragons are getting to see stories and ideas they’ve never had an opportunity to experience before. I’m attempting to write for National Poetry Writing Month and participating in an “art in the time of COVID” artists group. But it’s discouraging to have to sit on my dreams in the meantime.

    1. JDC*

      I feel you. Knowing stepson may not end up spending his summer with his mom is depressing,me. She already skipped spring break. He drives me bonkers at the best of times. I need a break.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Dashed travel dreams are hard for me right now. My partner and I had a trip planned to Norway last August, a trip of a lifetime / last hurrah before he started graduate school. But my leg got badly injured and we had to cancel at the last minute. We had a huge airline credit to use, worth thousands of dollars, and the only window to use it was this mid-May — after spring classes ended and before it expired. Now we can’t take that trip either and the credit will be lost. We don’t even know when we’ll be able to do another trip, compounded by money (I’ve lost a lot of work) and time getting tighter (his school/practicum schedule). Next year he’ll enter the phase of his education where he will start working in unpaid / low paid positions to get his hours towards a license, followed by a couple more years where he’s building a new career and won’t have a lot of flexibility. I’m feeling pessimistic that we’ll be able to take a big trip at all for many, many years to come.

  82. Misty*

    I posted above so sorry for starting another thread about a different subject.

    I live with multiple roommates and we’ve been staying home for the last 27 days. But I just found out that one of my roommates has been going out for coffee at the local gas station every morning and has been lying about it to us. For instance, we all various chores and tasks so he’s been lying and saying he was taking the dog out when he’s been buying coffee out every morning for the last 27 days. I just feel really upset because it feels like a huge betrayal. The rest of us stay home 24/7 and we own a coffee maker so I don’t understand why you would put 6 other people at risk every morning! I’m literally crying over this and idky I feel so emotional, I just feel really sad because I thought we were all on the same page and looking out for each other, you know?

    1. Anon5775*

      This is all really hard. It’s something we’ve never had to deal with before. I heard this on the radio the other day. “Our grandparents were sent to war. You’re being asked to sit on your couch. You can do this.” and that helped put it in perspective a bit. If he’s just wanting to support a local business suggest he buy a gift card now to use himself later.

    2. Blueberry*

      I am so sorry. I don’t have any suggestions, but it certainly makes sense how betrayed you feel.

    3. WellRed*

      The lying sucks, but can you see your way to why he needs gas station coffee and why he needed to lie about it instead of being honest that this is something he needs? Do you need something? Maybe walk the dog?

      1. Misty*

        It’s honestly the lying more than the putting us in danger, plus if he has said he was going out instead of straight up lying about it, we could have asked him to pick up a few things in the morning that we needed instead of going without. Idk tho, maybe the rest of us are just emotional from being home all the time w the exception of grocery shopping and laundry. :/

        But the lying really gets to me. Also we asked why he lied and he said it’s because he knew we would be upset and then his gf (our other roommate broke up with him) so today has been interesting to say the least.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Brilliant move on his part. (NOT) Instead of just the problem of going to the gas station he has another problem now where he can no longer be trusted. All this to avoid you guys being angry with him, which did not pan out because now everyone is angrier than he could ever imagine.

          I wonder if he figured out that you all could move out and leave him there alone. I mean he’s brought all this exposure into the house, so it’s going to make you guys think about that.

          I guess in real life, I would just sleep on it and think about what I wanted to say/do in the morning. Problems are always harder and bigger at the end of the day.

          1. Misty*

            We can’t move out because of expenses. For instance, I quit my full time job in Feb because I had a better paying summer job lined up that was supposed to already start and that would work better with my classes. All of us are (older) college students, although a few also work from home atm. But the reason we have 7 people total living in one house is because we’re all broke atm. We will all be moving out once this virus is over, I’m certain of that at this point.

            I decided not to say anything because everyone else is basically taking care of that. They’ve said a lot. And I suspect will continue to say things. So I’m prob just going to spend even more time in my room and less time in the communal kitchen/office room.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m waaaaay to old to be a part of cancel culture, but honestly I would cancel this person if it were me (which it’s not, I’m not saying you should do this). For me, this is such a betrayal that I can’t imagine any apology or amends that would make me ever see him as more than a distant acquaintance that I happen to live with.

    5. LGC*

      …yeah, you’re right to feel really betrayed by this. And he shouldn’t have been going out for coffee, much less EVERY MORNING.

      So I want to ask a question – with all of this, is there anything you can do to protect yourself right now? Like, you’re in a rough living situation for this, but…since your trust in him is broken, what can you do now? (And this is a serious question.)

      1. Misty*

        I’ve already been spending a ton of time in my room working on class stuff so I’ve just locked myself in the room for the rest of the day. One of my other roommates is panic cleaning the house. And the guy’s gf broke up with him so she’s moved all her stuff into our other roommate’s room.

        Maybe we’re super emotional from being home for 27 days straight but it’s a lot. Like everyone is either working from home or doing classes online or both. We all take turns walking the dog. One person has been doing all the grocery shopping every other week, and one person has been doing all the laundry. Also we’ve lived together for over a year now and we’re not strangers so it’s kinda annoying. I understand that he felt cooped up and needed his routine but the fact that our normal coffee shop is closed should have clued him into the fact that this maybe wasn’t the best time to make a new routine of going to a gas station for coffee everyday? Idk. I haven’t said anything to him because his ex-gf already freaked out and none of us really know what to do besides clean. I don’t want to pile on him but later I will mention to him that I really don’t appreciate him lying for almost four weeks straight to my face every morning when I woke up and he told me he was taking the dog for a drive. I thought it was odd that he was taking the dog for a drive in order to “walk” in the morning but figured he just needed to get out. Idk.

        When we found out, he said we’re overreacting and we can’t stop living our lives even though we’re all home because we don’t know when this will end. But… I’m pretty sure that’s not the right mentality in a pandemic.

        1. tangerineRose*

          I would be furious at him. He’s risking everyone for store-bought coffee when there’s coffee at home, and he lied about it. That’s just awful.

        2. Not A Manager*

          “When we found out, he said we’re overreacting and we can’t stop living our lives even though we’re all home because we don’t know when this will end.”

          That’s bullshit. If he really believed that, he would have said it upfront and talked to you guys about it. The fact that he snuck around for a month shows that he knows it’s a lot more complicated than that. And while you can’t require “five yesses, one no” for decision-making even about something like coronavirus, neither can you unilaterally decide on behalf of everyone that YOU’RE going to live YOUR OWN personal life no matter how it affects everyone else.

          1. Misty*

            Yeah, I think maybe he didn’t say that at the beginning because he shares his room with his now ex-gf so I’m assuming he didn’t want to get in a fight or something. I’m honestly kind of feeling like a lot of this has something to do with their relationship because it just seems odd to me.

            But we spent a whole week before locking down grocery shopping, planning, cleaning, and filling up the cars’ with gas. So he should have said something 27+ days ago. Plus our state has a stay at home order so I’m pretty sure you’re only supposed to be going out for essentials now. If he really needed to get out, he should have talked to us and switched tasks with either the guy doing laundry or the guy grocery shopping every other week. At the VERY least, he could have told us he was going to the gas station so that he could pick up more things we needed. Like for instance we’ve run out of every drink that isn’t coffee, alcohol or water. It would have been nice if he could have let us know and picked up some OJ and ice tea and newspapers. But again, those aren’t essentials which is why we haven’t left the house just to restock those.

            The next few days should be interesting. I def did not see this coming since the rest of us have all been staying home for 27 days which is almost four weeks. Also his ex is now living on the floor of our other roommates’ room because we already have one guy sleeping on the couch, and the kitchen is the office. Should be fun -_-

            1. Cat*

              Most stay at home orders allow take out. He should have talked to you but he’s probably not violating the law.

              1. Misty*

                It’s really not as much the violating (or not violating) the law part of the issue, it’s the lying and also agreeing to a household plan and then just not doing what you said you would do. If that makes sense.

            2. LGC*

              I’m so sorry you now live in a Captain Awkward letter. You have my condolences.

              (I wrote a full response, but I’m not sure whether it went to moderation or disappeared into the ether.)

              For what it’s worth, the way American stay-at-home orders have been structured, it’s mostly been with carrots. So while it’s of dubious legality, I’m not sure if the cops can do anything about him driving to a coffee shop.

        3. LGC*

          So I just saw your other post, and…okay, it actually makes a lot more sense to me now. (And okay, I’ll admit I played therapist a bit before! )

          First part – do what feels right for you. If you need to tell Claude that you think he’s a jerk (which he is), then tell him. You’re probably right about holding off a bit and not piling on him, but it does sound like you want to tell him that he hurt you, and it would make you feel better if you did. His (now ex-) girlfriend doesn’t have the monopoly on anger here.

          If you can’t live with him anymore because of this…I wouldn’t suggest kicking him out just yet (because at this point that would be cruel), but asking him to actually self-quarantine himself for two weeks from the last time he went out might not be uncalled for. (Just throwing that out there.) And while I don’t normally advocate for this, you have the right to avoid being in close proximity with him.

          Second, much broader part – I think both of your posts are related. Namely, from what you’re saying, it seems like you’re really stressed, which is probably why you feel this strongly and you’re losing track of time. I’m not sure whether you live in a house or an apartment…can you actually get outside if you live in an apartment? It sounds like you’ve barely left the house except to walk the dog, and that’s pretty extreme. Like, everyone is calling this a quarantine, but almost literally quarantining yourself for a month on end with no end in sight is really hard on anyone’s psyche.

          And I think…your roommate has a point, but also he’s being selfish. Honestly, I’ve had to tell my best friend and my mom (and myself) the same thing – part of the reason I’ve been going for runs Outside is…well, partially because I’m trying to get back in shape, but also because it does break the monotony. (This is also why I remind myself to put pants on before I log into my company’s VPN, or shortly afterwards. It’s helped.) In an open-ended crisis like the one we’re living in now, where we do have to discard so much of what’s “normal” – where what used to be normal human interaction in February is now a potential death sentence – you need to find whatever shreds of normalcy to hang on to or else your mental health will suffer.

          That said, I repeat – your roommate Claude is a jerk. We do need to give up a lot of stuff that we considered comfortable and just “living our lives.” That’s part of stopping the spread. That’s why I lugged $100+ worth of groceries walking home yesterday – it’s safer for my community if I’m just in my local supermarket once a week as opposed to multiple times a week. It’s safer for me, too. There are some things that I feel like I forgot, and I can’t really go out for them because it would put me and my community at even higher risk. And even when I do go out, I only make one stop because that’s the safest thing.

          So yeah. Tell him to get his pestilence-ridden behind the hell away from you, but also – Misty, my dude, take care of yourself, you sound really stressed!

          1. Misty*

            I’ve decided not to say anything to him. We’re not kicking him out or even forcing him to not go out for coffee again. He went this morning but at least this time he’s picking up other things we need. First off, I don’t think we can stop him if he wants to go, and second off, we’re all doing classes full time online and some of us are working from home so we have a lot going on in this house and don’t have the energy to police him on a daily basis.

            I am extremely stressed. (This is not about work/school, just about adjusting to life changes.) For five years I worked at one place, then this Jan I went back to college and quit that job in Feb. The adjustment was harder than expected, I was adjusting for six weeks (I posted four or five times on the work thread about it in Jan and Feb) and basically three days after I started feeling better, the pandemic became a big deal in my town and we made a bunch of plans/grocery shopped in order to hunker down. Also we took on another roommate who was going to become homeless if he didn’t move in with us, so he lives in the living room/on the couch. He pays rent so it’s fine but that means the only communal space is the kitchen/office that has five computers on the table at almost all times when people are working.

            I have been home basically 24/7 for 28 days now. I have not seen a single person outside of my roommates during this time except over skype and zoom. In the beginning I was skyping my friends every day but it’s slowed down a lot as we’ve run out of things to say. It’s hard to skype, zoom, and have phone calls since our house is so small and there’s so many people in it. For instance, I have a therapist but I have to go into my truck to talk to him since people in the house would be able to hear me.

            I have been running for an hour every day with the dog, as have all of my roommates (our dog is literally exhausted now at all times.) There is no where else to go. I live in a town that shut down all parking lots of nonessential businesses because they didn’t want people going out and parking places. The first two weeks we used to all drive to the beach separately in our cars to be alone from each other…. but now you can’t park anywhere so the only way to get away from each other is to just walk the dog or go on a drive where you don’t park anywhere. I can’t think of any way to safely spend time out of the house with the exception of going for a run with the dog, which I have already been doing every single day. One of my roommates has a treadmill in his room, and I’ve also been walking on that most nights.

            But yes, I am stressed. At the beginning of this whole thing I was basically anxious and terrified 24/7, then it went on to a week or so of being numb, where I felt as if nothing mattered and I felt nothing. This week it more just feels like time is weird. I feel as if life before this was a dream and I miss it. I miss my routine, I miss my friends, I miss my college, I miss my professors, I miss my favorite coffee shop, I miss my family, I miss parking my car in parking lots, I miss my therapist, I miss church, etc.

            1. Anono-me*

              Please call your city governments and advocate for open (but distant) parking lot spaces at places like libraries and restaurants with free Wi-Fi and also at churches.

              Many churches in our area are doing Parking Lot Services. People are parking their cars two spots away from each other and listening to the service on their smartphone. It is different, but they are attending service together.

              Also lots of people don’t have Wi-Fi available to them at home, either because they never had the funds or they don’t have the funds anymore. Being able to park and use Library Wi-Fi or other free Wi-Fi, let’s people with financial hardship (or from rural areas without strong internet) continue to interact on the Internet or by using a VoIP phone.

              I think your roommate’s behavior was very out of bounds and that you six have handled it much more kindly than I would have.

              Also I’m not really sure how the rooms are divided in your home. But it seems like the least unreasonable consequence is gas station coffee guy to take the couch in the living room and some other reorganization of people happen so that everyone else has a safer space to be in.

              1. Misty*

                That’s a good idea, I may call them.

                We live on an island. Without giving too much details away, if I told you where I lived you would likely know it. The problem is the locals here (me and my roommates and everyone I know) are extremely not well off where the tourist industry and the summer homes are extremely well off. In the beginning, we were having a giant problem with people from other states coming to air bnbs here and hitting the beach and basically pretending the virus is vacation time. Due to this, they shut down all the parking because people who don’t live here won’t be able to park anywhere and drive to the beaches. Almost all the parking lots in the area are within walking distance to a beach, hike, nature preserve, etc. Most of the homes/apartments are within walking distance of the beaches. We have a small hospital and barely any grocery stores. Almost no places are open for take out. Most of the places here are closed for half of the year when there are no tourists. It’s basically a ghost town except from May to August. People started coming here in March to get away and go to the beach, which is why all the parking is closed.

                We’re not super close to other places but you can get here by bridge or boat. I wasn’t very surprised when a lot of people started showing up. There is a small airport near my house and private planes were flying over us all day long until they closed all the parking lots.

                1. Anono-me*

                  Maybe change my advice to suggest you request that people be able to sit in their car at the library and other sources of free Wi-Fi. (No unattended vehicles just like no one attended luggage at the airport.)

                  Also, I wouldn’t mind someone parking at the foot of our driveway for a couple hours as long as they stayed in their car AND we knew what was going on. Maybe check with your neighborhood Facebook group or some of your friends to see if that’s an option.

                  Good luck with everything you’re going through.

        4. Ask a Manager* Post author

          This isn’t you overreacting. This is about consent. By lying to you, he took away your consent over your own living situation and potential exposure situation. You didn’t consent to live with someone who was potentially exposing you in this way; in fact, you all explicitly agreed not to. You presumably made different decisions than you would have made if you’d known what he was doing, and you trusted him not to lie to you about your own risk factors. I’d seriously consider divorcing my husband over this kind of lie; I’d absolutely kick out a roommate who did it. (Practically speaking you can’t do that right now, but I’d insist he move out when this is over.)

          1. Misty*

            Exactly.

            Our household made a household plan over a month ago (it’s typed out and posted on the fridge!) and we all agreed to it. If he needed or wanted a different set of tasks or wanted to go out every morning, he should have told us instead of lying. Part of the agreement was if anyone was going to a store, they would ask everyone else if they needed anything in order for us to all cut down on 7 people wandering around town picking up items. Every morning that he went to the gas station, he could have been picking up things for us in order to help out. (We would have paid for our own items but it would have cut down on the amount of times/people going shopping).

            His gf already broke up with him as she’s also our roommate. I think it’s more the lying than the danger that’s been riling everyone up. We’re all in our low to mid 20s so no one is terrified of getting sick, rather we just wanted to be smart esp since we live w a lot of people in a cramped space.

        5. MissGirl*

          I don’t know where you live but my 64-year-old stepmom works as a cashier every day at a gas station. I hate that she has to but it’s also a good reminder to me that being out in public doesn’t guarantee you’ll get it. I would ask him what precautions he takes, and see if you can reach some sort of compromise. The lying after you’d agreed on something isn’t cool.

          You have my sympathy; I would be peeved to.

          1. Misty*

            Yeah it’s the lying more than the actual act. His gf already broke up with him and my other roommates are much more upset than I am. So I’m just going to let them all either compromise or fight it out.

        6. Observer*

          So, he’s a liar AND he’s blaming everyone else for it. His ex-gf was right to break up with him.

          I would not let him be in charge of anything that requires handling food or even the most minimal level of trust. He’s a lying liar and he clearly doesn’t get the seriousness of the situation.

          1. Misty*

            Yeah, I’m not sure what we’re going to do with him.

            Since yesterday we’ve quickly fallen into chaos. I’ve been in my room doing hw all day, but I can hear them all fighting on and off through the wall when I take my headphones out -_-

            I had a bad feeling things weren’t going to go well when the stay at home thing started but I thought it would just be lack of personal space. I’m pretty sure this home was meant for a couple with one kid.

  83. Annie Oakley*

    My kiddo’s first birthday is tomorrow! It’s a bit of a bummer that we can’t celebrate it right now with our extended family. I know the grandparents are disappointed to miss out on the birthday and the Easter egg hunt. Definitely planning on doing an Easter weekend redo when the quarantine is over!

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’m sorry about that. Take lots of pictures!

      I think an Easter redo weekend is a great idea, though.

  84. Esther Island*

    Is anyone else struggling with feeling left out even if the reason for it seems petty or non-existent? Group chats have been set up with my family and my friends so we can keep in contact via chats and the occasional video call. Among all of my female relatives [my paternal and maternal grandmothers – they are best friends – my mom, my aunt and my cousin-in-law] and the women in my friend group there is lots of talk about how their roots are showing, needing a haircut, eyebrows are fading or unruly, fake eyelashes are falling out, fake nails are growing out, feet are in need of a pedicure or they generally look and feel awful because they are out of makeup and can’t go to the store and things online are slow and back ordered. I’ve never dyed my hair, gotten fake eyelashes, nail or a pedicure and I have painted my nails and worn makeup probably one time in my life when I went to prom. I don’t care if other people do these things I just have ever felt the need. But now in the chats it seems like 3/4 of the time one or more of these things are brought up. The sentiment seems to be that women everywhere are feeling like this or are going to come out of self isolation looking hideous. None of my family or friends has ever made me feel bad or judged me for not doing this but I still can’t help feeling left out even though I never cared about beauty stuff before this.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Me, three.
          None of this was a big deal in my home growing up. For years, I felt out of place in outside groups because I just did not do much of this stuff. And yeah, they were all talking about it and I had nothing to contribute or even chime in with agreement.

          It’s interesting because the only time I placed any value on this stuff was when I felt left out of a conversation. On an ordinary day, left to my own devices, I never thought too much about it. It’s not my thing.

          Perhaps you can console yourself by realizing that you don’t have those worries or frustrations? Or maybe you can quietly tell yourself, “I am so glad I never got too involved in that stuff.” Or maybe you can put your own concerns on hold for a minute by telling yourself, “When this is over, I will consider checking out some of the things they are doing.” Personally, I like the stall or pause idea the best. This is because there is enough stress now, I’d prefer to make these types of decisions under more normal circumstances.

      2. juliebulie*

        Me too. Hell, I buzzed my head so I wouldn’t have to fiddle with my hair any more. My principal grooming concern is to avoid smelling badly enough to offend myself.

        Probably a big part of why they are talking about that stuff is because it’s considerably less scary than talking about the serious things that are going on.

      3. Salymander*

        Yep, I am one of the lesser groomed also. I too will often feel left out by all of the grooming talk. I may or may not have had beauty-type things done as a way of “bonding” with friends and family (fake nails once, a drastic haircut once, and many unwanted Mani/pedis). But I really don’t enjoy all that stuff, and I am happy with my hair (starting to grey) and nails (short, unpainted) and skin (blissfully free of makeup).

        So how about all us lesser groomed folks just have a nice cup of tea and a chat about (not beauty related) stuff? I have some yummy lemon poundcake. Want some? ;)

    2. fposte*

      I think everybody’s finding themselves left out of some conversations, but I also think everybody’s having some conversations that leave some people out; we just remember the first more than the second.

      There’s a lot of talk about how we’re all going through this same thing, but in reality a lot of our experiences vary considerably depending on how much and where we’re impacted by the change. I know my sense of irritation is heightened when I read “We’re all [blank] now” or “This is what to do with [experience I’m not having]”, because it does briefly make me feel like my experience doesn’t count, but then I remember nobody’s actually tallying.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Yeah, all of this “how will I keep up my haircut” talk is so weird for me. I last got a haircut in the 90s and have been just letting it grow ever since. I kind of…forgot? that most people get haircuts regularly and the idea of needing a haircut within a few months of the last one just feels so odd. (I never liked getting my hair cut, so it was usually an every-other-year thing at best before I stopped getting them entirely.)

      My beauty routine is something along the lines of “check to make sure the pants I am planning to wear don’t have holes in them, and also make sure that I’ve showered somewhat recently”, and I forget that other people put a lot more time, effort, and thought into this.

  85. Most things may never happen*

    Anybody watching DEVS? The eighth and final episode airs this Thursday. I sure hope it doesn’t suck.

    2. Jonah*

      Yes! I almost never watch shows as they come on. I wait for the whole season to wrap up so I can watch it at once, but I’ve really gotten sucked into this one!

      1. JamieS*

        Well the entire season is 8 episodes so not too slow paced overall. As far as the pace of individual episodes it’s all over the place IMO. Couple episodes where basically nothing is happening (more set up and providing background info) and some where a lot happens very quickly.

      2. Most things may never happen*

        IMHO, they maybe could have trimmed about 10% of it.

        But to answer your specific question: there are a lot of moving parts to the show, and yes the start moving faster and faster.

        Personally, I think it’s the best think on television right now. I’ll always remember it as the show that got me through the pandemic.

    4. Arya Parya*

      Yes I am! Really love it. But I work in IT and have an interest in philosophy, so this is really in my wheel house.

      Also love Ex Machina and Annihilation from the same director. Anyone who likes Devs and hasn’t seen those, you should check them out.

  86. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I am here to say that while making guacamole last night, I accidentally stabbed myself with a knife IN MY WOUNDS from mangling my finger in a blender last month, literally sobbed from the pain, and am never cooking again.

    1. Blueberry*

      OH NO I AM SO SORRY. :(

      I was considering suggesting this last week but thought it might be too much, so if it is ignore me. Have you considered getting yourself some cutproof Kevlar gloves for food prep? They’re pretty inexpensive and washable.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Clearly I need them! I couldn’t wear them now because the finger is still bandaged from the blender accident (and wouldn’t fit in gloves), but maybe some sort of full-body armor.

        1. Jdc*

          Oh you sound like me. I think i should have an ER punchcard for my accidents. Sorry that happened, again.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      Alison, noooo! Get out of the kitchen, please, it’s not safe for you to be in there.

    3. BRR*

      Oh no! I was using my immersion blender yesterday for multiple things and unplugged it between uses which I would have previously not done.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        No, thank god. But it does hurt more today than it did yesterday, so I think I set myself back. (My doctor said expect 3-4 weeks of pain, and it will be 4 weeks on Tuesday so I hope I’m at the tail end of it. I am surprised by how long the recovery seems to be for such a small area of the body, although he did say I nearly amputated the finger.) (Sorry for that image.)

        3. Skeeder Jones*

          We have more sensitive nerves in our hands. If you think about all we do with them and how our ancestors needed to feel slight changes in temperature and how important it would have been to feel changes in textures etc, it makes sense that we have more nerve endings in our hands. This means that hand/finger injuries also hurt more.

        4. Observer*

          You probably did. But, despite the pain – which must have been EXCRUCIATING at the time, you probably didn’t do long term damage. But, oh boy, it gave me the shivers just reading that.

    6. Bluebell*

      Ok it’s time- I think you need to train the cats to cook for you! ;) I hope you heal without further incidents. FWIW, I cut my toe on a step stool while cleaning for Passover; I didn’t notice how bad it was until I felt something sticky on the floor and realized it was blood. I took that as a sign I’d cleaned enough.

    7. Mimmy*

      Okay that’s it…time to put you in bubble wrap!

      I do like the Kevlar gloves suggestion from Blueberry.

    8. LGC*

      OH NOOOOOOOO

      I’M SO SORRY I’M LITERALLY WINCING IN PAIN AT MY LAPTOP RIGHT NOW

      I hope it wasn’t too serious! (The pain might actually be a good sign? Kind of like how paper cuts hurt more than deep wounds.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, really. I gasped out loud when I read this. Oh, no, Alison! I am so sorry. I hope you are able to find a protective pair of gloves that you like. I did not know they had such things, they sound like a terrific idea for many of us who do a lot of work with our hands. (Says she who has sewed her own finger while using the sewing machine.)

    10. Most things may never happen*

      That sounds painful, but I’d like to offer an alternative perspective. In short, did you ever read Anthony Bourdain’s book Kitchen Confidential? In short, some people bear kitchen scars as badges of honor.

      This may or may not work for you.

    11. NoLongerYoung*

      Ow, ow, ow…. My hands clenched in sympathy.
      I second/ third the gloves. My father was a meatcutter, and those light chain mail gloves they had were invaluable. I think perhaps the universe is telling you that “pre-cut” everything is the way to go?

    12. Myrin*

      OH NO ALISON I’M SO SORRY

      (Also and obviously unrelatedly, I cut (deeply!) into the tip of my left middle finger on Thursday and it still hurts and throbs like all hell. It’s such a teeny little area, how is it that basically my whole left arm is rendered unusable?!)

    13. Wishing You Well*

      Oh, no! – please- I am so sorry.
      I want to send you enough bubble wrap to make you look like a sumo wrestler for safety. And orange traffic cones for the kitchen. I hope someone else can take over cooking for now.
      Healing thoughts.

    14. I hate the offseason*

      In case it helps, my husband has jokingly accused me of injuring myself on purpose in the kitchen just to get out of cooking. Not true, but it has been generally successful. :)

  87. Washi*

    I’ve gotten a few quarantine cooking chain emails from friends now and I just…ignore them. They’re really not my thing, but I feel bad because it’s been good friends that have sent them to me. I’ve thought of pretending to participate by actually just putting my friend in the bcc and not sending to “20 friends” but that also seems silly. But somehow it seems more awkward to reply and state thanks, but this is not my jam.

    Is it very rude to just ignore this type of email?

    1. PollyQ*

      Not rude at all, not even a little tiny bit. No sensible person would be bothered by your non-response either.

      1. PollyQ*

        The headline tells the story: “The Chain Letter Is Back, and Just as Annoying as Before”

        1. nonegiven*

          I don’t like those “I want to see how many will repost this”

          Will never happen, the most I will do is occasionally add a comment on the subject of the post.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      It’s very rude to *send* a chain letter in the first place. Don’t even give it a second thought.

    5. LQ*

      Absolutely not! A “Thanks this is not my jam.” Is fine. A personal reply is fine too. I have an aunt who keeps trying to guilt me with these. I just respond with a personal note when I’m up for it. Ignoring it is 100% ok. It’s just spam.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Growing up they came in the US mail. I threw them out. When they started coming in email, I had no problem tossing them. They load up our systems needlessly, feel free to chuck them.

    7. Mimosa Jones*

      I consider it a form of saying “hi” and say hi back. I do not participate in the chain.

    8. Washi*

      Thanks all :) I’m in touch with these friends in other ways, so I’m going to just continue quietly deleting these emails.

  89. Abby Gail*

    I live in NYC. Despite everything that is going on and the orders from the government to social distance members of my family still got together for Passover Seder. My sisters and brother went to visit my parents along with their spouses and kids. In addition my siblings have been to see our grandparents and my parents have had some of their siblings over in the time before Passover. I ‘left the faith’ when I turned 18 and have had no/low contact with family since but every once in a while there is an attempt to bring me back even though I have no interest.

    My mother says my father made the choice to have the gathering and she had to go along with it. I can’t believe they would be so irresponsible and I have seriously considered reporting them to the authorities. I don’t understand why they won’t listen to reason.

    1. Sandra*

      It sounds like their faith is more important to them than anything else. I think that could be a good thing.

      1. BuildMeUp*

        I’m not sure I understand. Are you trying to say Abby Gail could use their faith to convince them to stop risking people’s lives?

      2. Fikly*

        What they are saying is their need to have a seder with everyone in person is more important than peoples’ lives. And nowhere in that religion, to my knowledge, does everyone have to be physically present, or is it required that one extended family all be at the same seder.

      3. Observer*

        I’m not sure how you come to that.

        This is not about faith – at least not in Judaism, since Judaism absolutely does NOT require this kind of gathering.

    2. BuildMeUp*

      Oh my gosh, they’re putting so many people at risk! I’m not one for bringing the police into things when it’s not absolutely necessary, but I would be really tempted to report them as well.

      I’m not sure if they’re the type of people it would affect, but there’s an article I read recently titled “How a Funeral and Birthday Party ‘Super Spread’ COVID-19 in Chicago to Deadly Effect.” It talks about a man who was infected while traveling, didn’t realize he was carrying the virus, and spread it to a number of people over the course of a few days, some of whom later died. Do you think reading something that shows the actual impact of what they’re doing would help? Or will they just brush it off?

      I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

    3. LGC*

      I don’t know if they can be reasoned with, per se. If they’re in New York, they’ve heard the constant wail of sirens, seen the neverending stream of ambulances. If they’re in Brooklyn or Queens, they probably know several people who’ve died already. (And they might know several people who’ve died, even if they’re not there.)

      But also…I think this has become my life’s mantra (or at least my mantra for this weekend FFA), but what can you do about it now? What would reporting them to the police accomplish now? They’ve already gathered and dispersed. They’ll probably get fined – and in the process, you might expose them to police officers (and the police officers to them).

      Someone on this week’s open told me (while I was venting about a friend making what I thought were Bad Decisions) in no uncertain terms that I needed to MYOB. Which was harsh to hear, but…it’s not entirely wrong. Like, my friend is exasperating at times, even though I love them. But I can’t tell them how to live their life – they’re an adult, and they have agency to make what I think are horrible decisions. What I can do is not engage with them on that subject because I’m just through with it at this point.

  90. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Shower thought: that La Bohème in a spaceship doesn’t sound that weird now, doesn’t it, dear critics? (I’m trying to find a full recording instead of short clips)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I watched the first season of Star Trek: Discovery recently and was remarkably entertained when the character played by Anthony Rapp agreed, with a sigh, to go to a production of La Bohème with his husband.

    2. Quandong*

      That was far and away the best version I have ever seen!

      If you do find the full recording, please share, I’d love to see it again.

  91. Jessen*

    So has anyone had success with automated cat toys? Now that he’s settling in it turns out Spook boy is actually quite active and gets bored easily. (And a touch bitey when bored.) I could use something to both distract him while I’m working from home and for when I have to go back to commuting. He tends to like either string type teaser toys or laser pointers, but seems uninterested in smaller toys that he can bat around without someone there to make it move for him.

    1. KoiFeeder*

      I would suggest puzzle feeders over automated toys. Automated toys may not seem noisy to humans, but the sound of the motors and such are likely to bother cats.

    2. cat socks*

      I have the Fling-AMA-String cat toy. It attaches to a door and has a rotating string. I will set it up on the pantry door when I’m in the kitchen. Three of my five cats like it and it keeps them occupied while I’m cleaning or cooking in the kitchen. I’ve had it for a few years now and it’s held up well with a few battery changes.

      Sometimes I will also put out the Whisker City Crawling Bug. I have to keep an eye out to make sure it doesn’t end up under the fridge or stove, but it tends to grab the cats’ attention.

    3. Anonymath*

      Our cats weren’t really into animated toys, but they both liked chasing string. We got them a Fling-AMA-String and they both loved it. Hangs on a doorknob and has two speeds. Good luck!

    4. RC Rascal*

      We had a string loving cat whose favorite toy was a long elastic cord he stole off a Christmas package. He could carry it around the house & play tug with it under his paw. He would also bring it to you to play tug. We put a knot on each end to stop it from raveling and that made the tug game easier because he would bite the knot.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Try cat videos on YouTube too. Our boy LOVES to ‘chase’ a mouse or a string on a screen. After he gets bored of that he likes to settle down on the couch to watch squirrel/chipmunks and birds in other videos. There is a whole genre of these on YT if you just type in videos for cats. We prop up an older computer monitor (and run YT through the pS4) on the settee for him.

      We still play with him with ribbons and string, but we need to work too and can’t always entertain him, especially since all this working from home has really messed up his (and his sister’s) schedule of alone time during the day. But the videos seem to work and give him something to mentally look at and chase.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      We recently got our younger cat the Petlinks Mystery Motion Concealed Motion Cat Toy, and he loves it! He can play with that thing for a half hour straight.

      A couple of downsides, though:
      1. It runs on AA batteries, and there isn’t an automated shutoff, so you need to, at some point, ruin the fun and go over and turn it off… or notice when your cat gets bored, and then you go and turn it off.
      2. As KoiFeeder mentioned, it’s quite loud… well, not for humans, but our older cat hates the sound of this cat toy, even though our younger cat thinks it’s the best thing ever.

    7. Salymander*

      My cats were terrified of the one automated you we bought. It led to many pee protests.

      The one really, freakishly smart cat liked solving puzzle type problems, like untying a bag to get to the yarn inside, or knocking over a box to tease out another box which contained a ball with treats inside. She loved a particular scarf of mine, so I would hide it in the morning before work and she would spend the day looking for it. By about noon it could be found on her bed, covered in fur and cat saliva. If your cat is suuuuper smart and gets into everything, maybe try setting up these sorts of puzzles to solve.

      Both cats liked cat videos, especially the ones with noisy kittens playing or birds chirping and hopping around. Also, those ball tracks where they paw at the ball and it goes around and around.

  92. Teapot Translator*

    Today, I’ve shredded a lot of papers and put a log of paper in the recycling bin. The recycling thing should have been done years ago (old university papers), but I have a hard time letting go of things that have sentimental value attached even if the emotion isn’t all positive (like I just put in the recycling all the papers about my Master’s thesis that I was never able to finish because I should never have started it in the first place).
    I’m not a hoarder, but I do have an issue about letting go.
    Two questions: has anyone here learned to learn to let stuff go (I read Marie Kondo’s book, did not like it) and have you dealt with something lately because the pandemic has pushed you to it?
    Like me, I bought a shredder and shredded all the things. \o/ And also, see above, getting rid of stuff that I need to let go of.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Yeah, I bought a shredder a couple of years ago because my bankruptcy hit the ten year mark and I wanted to shred all of that stuff. It was cathartic.

      It was also quick. I bought a far bigger shredder than I needed.

      For a lot of paperwork, I’ve just been scanning and shredding. I journal, and then I scan and shred. I may never refer to them (although I do sometimes put notes in the margin as I go for things I may want to write more about later or include in later projects) and then shred them. No point in keeping a physical object around.

      With regard to sentimental items, I have a cardboard box with a lid in the closet and anything I want to keep goes in there. It’s not full, but I sometimes get rid of things from it. I might take some pictures, might not. Some things just become more precious over time and other things become less precious.

      I actually got rid of a lot of stuff when I moved at the end of 2019 and I don’t regret it too much. Some stuff ended up in storage and I haven’t been able to get to it because of staying at home, but I don’t miss too much stuff.

      I really do like having less stuff. I need to get rid of more.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I have been working on paper since BC. But during the stay-at-home, I find that I am more interested in sorting drawers or cupboards, so that is what I have been doing. And I finished my CE for the year. yea! But those papers are STILL sitting there waiting for me.

    3. juliebulie*

      I have been tossing lots of stuff lately now that I’m at home all the time and getting a better feel for the stuff that’s just in the way.

      Sometimes I see something and think, “I could do something with this.” But now I think “Sure, but will I? Would I miss this if it were gone?” Anything that gives me a twinge of guilt or regret when I see it, now gets thrown out. And you know what? It feels great!

    4. Alexandra Lynch*

      Not so much the pandemic, but I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago and didn’t bring much from the ex’s house, and we are working on moving and so that has meant a lot of sorting and dejunking. Which is sort of on hold now because I can’t pack anything else, we need this stuff for daily life, or it’s the stuff that makes the house look nice for showings.

  93. Sunset Maple*

    My father’s dementia care home sent us a letter in the mail saying that there are confirmed Covid cases in his unit, but they are not allowed to tell us who they are. Even if it’s him.

    They had already shut down visits and moved us to a weekly FaceTime appointment, which only lasted a few minutes since he doesn’t understand what an iPad is. Now that was taken away too, and nobody answers the phone.

    I understand that they’re overwhelmed. I get it. But I don’t understand how they can legally refuse to tell me if my father is sick or well, dead or alive.

    1. PollyQ*

      Do you have a power of attorney for him? If so, then yeah, sounds very sketchy indeed not to be telling you his medical status.

    2. Selmarie*

      I would think someone in your family has the authority to be told your father’s condition. Does he have a medical power of attorney? What about the paperwork when he moved there? And I’m sorry for you that you can’t communicate with him; this is an awful situation. If they don’t answer the phone, I would take all possible precautions (facemask) and go there in person — how else can you know how he is doing?

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT GO THERE IN PERSON!!!!!!!!

        Sorry for yelling, but not sorry. DO NOT VISIT IN PERSON. It’s a pandemic. They already have COVID cases, they’re trying to fight the tide there. If you did show up in person, you’re more likely to have the police called on you than anything else. Showing up in person can only do more harm, there is zero upside.

        Sunset Maple – I’m very sorry to hear that your father is at risk there. Unfortunately, as contagious as this virus appears to be, it may be safest to assume that he is infected, regardless if he’s showing symptoms or not. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get a report regarding his health, and you absolutely should push back on that. But it’s also safe to assume that the staff are working extremely hard, are very likely understaffed and lacking adequate PPE, and thus are some stage of overwhelmed. So yes, take steps to get an update – but be prepared for delays that may be due simply to being overwhelmed.

        1. Selmarie*

          Your reply made clear my response wasn’t well thought out; you’re right, of course that OP shouldn’t just show up. In my defense, I imagined just trying to get someone’s attention at the facility to get information, but that could go badly. Glad you posted as you did!

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            Whew! I get it – under normal circumstances going in person makes sense, maybe even preferable. It’s just not normal right now. :( It sucks.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I would absolutely call my state’s attorney general about this. If you have the resources, you might also consult an attorney yourself. I think any estates and trusts lawyer could at least give you some guidance.

      Solving this might be as simple as having a lawyer letter sent by overnight mail.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. This is my idea of a nightmare. OP, pull in outside resources to help you here. I am sure the AGs office has heard this complaint by now and they have a procedure in place to deal with it.

    4. Gutenberg*

      So sorry to hear about this situation. If you are in the US, skilled nursing facilities (SNFs) are overseen by Medicare and in my state, by the Dept if Health Services. There is also an ombudsman program although their personal access is restricted in my state. All of this would have to wait until Monday. Between now and then, consider calling your local authorities for a welfare check. The fact that no one is answering the phone is disturbing. Police, fire or EMS may be able to get tou a callback or at least an answer.
      This issue may be bearing down on us as my very frail, 95yo MIL with Parkinson’s-related dementia and other ailments has been hospitalized for several days with a severe urinary tract infection. She is improving and there is talk of releasing her to a SNF before returning to her group home. So far there are no C19 cases or even suspects in group homes in our state, but it is in SNFs. It is no visitors so we have not seen her since she left the emergency department (after 7 hours!!). She likely does not understand why we are not there and it is so heartbreaking.
      Please keep us posted. Wishing the best possible outcome for you and your father.

    5. Person from the Resume*

      Do you have power of attorney for him? Would they normally tell you if he is sick ie can they legally tell you? If the answer is yes then they should also tell you if he were sick now. But of course they can’t tell you the name of another patient who is sick.

      I don’t know your legal situation in regards to being informed, but it’s likely if he is the one sick they’d tell you. And they’re not going to tell you the sick patients name if it’s not him.

  94. Exercise*

    After weeks of shelter in place, I’m still confused. Is it or is it not OK to go outside just to walk or run by yourself?

    I do one or the other for about an hour a day. I never come even close to being within six feet of anyone. I don’t visit any stores (they are almost all closed anyway).

    I thought that was OK, but many of the posts here and elsewhere on social media are making me feel like a horrible person for going out at all.

    Thoughts?

    1. Exercise*

      Just wanted to add: I wear a mask and I wash my hands before and after I go out, every time.

    2. PollyQ*

      Yes, it’s OK. People are scared & confused, but being outside, in itself, isn’t raising anybody’s risk of transmission. It’s the interactions with other people (and maybe some animals) that’s the risky thing.

    3. BRR*

      You’re (usually, but depends on your location) allowed to walk/run around your neighborhood as long as you stay at least six feet from others.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      Where I am, we’re allowed to go out for walks, running, etc. and the government is being pretty serious about the pandemic (schools closed, non-essential business closed if they can’t operate while obeying the two-meter distance rule, etc.). The only issue seems to be distance? For walking, a two-meter distance from everyone else is a given, but I’ve heard that there should be more distance when a person is running.

    5. WellRed*

      It’s OK, it’s typically allowed and in many places it’s outright encouraged, and I think for most of us its necessary.

    6. Teacher Lady*

      It is officially considered okay where I am (Boston MA area) as long as a 6 ft distance is maintained. My dog walks best at a forest preserve near my home, so we’ve been taking her for her daily walk there at 6 AM to get ahead of any crowds.

    7. Jdc*

      Apparently states are going as far as to close hundred of miles of roads to allow people space to run and such. So yes, it’s ok.

    8. OyHiOh*

      In my state (CO) it’s officially part of the executive order that outdoor exercise is ok/encouraged. Of course, playgrounds and similar are closed. We have to maintain minimum 6 ft separation, of course. We’re not expected to wear a mask unless we’re going to be in “close” contact with others (this seems to be broadly understood as wear a mask inside stores). We’re also not supposed to travel out of our neighborhood/region to exercise. The broadly understood definition of “neighborhood/region” seems to be “driving to an outdoor site that does not require gas or food stops is ok.”

    9. Overeducated*

      Social media right now is full of scared people trying to eliminate 100% of risk even if it means insisting on measures with higher costs than benefits (like telling people not to exercise outside). It’s fear speaking.

    10. Jaid*

      I walk and avoid people. When I get back into my building, I use a Lysol wipe on the door knobs, the elevator buttons and my mail box. I wash my hands when I get back into my apartment.

    13. LGC*

      Honestly, I’ve been going through the same thing. It’s a pretty nuanced answer, and people (even the awesome commenters of AAM) aren’t very nuanced. Especially in the US, where half of us are trying to hug everyone we see because THE RONA ISN’T REAL MAN and the other half are convinced we’ll catch COVID if we even think about the outdoors. (I’m more towards the latter half of the spectrum, myself.)

      (For clarity: I’m calling both the virus AND the disease COVID, although that’s not quite right. Yes, I know it’s SARS-CoV-2 for the virus and COVID-19 for the disease itself. It’s a weird naming situation, and perhaps a who’s on first (okay, a WHO’s on first, if you will, and that was an awful pun).)

      So I’ll actually go through a bunch of things, because everyone gave the right answer (yes, it’s fine).

      1) You’re taking the right precautions and possibly more than you need to, I think. Namely, you might not need a mask (although it’s a good idea!).
      2) Exposure is a function of proximity, time, numbers, and setting. If you’re running by yourself, you’re most likely just passing people. If you pass one or two people, that’s not too worrisome. Most studies I’ve heard, even with all the changing recommendations, say that most transmissions are either from someone coughing or being in sustained exposure (like – more than five minutes) to a person who’s carrying COVID.
      2a) A lot of the scary “COVID CAN LAST THREE HOURS IN THE AIR” were…IN MICE in the lab. Obviously, if you run right behind a person that’s COVID-positive, that’s not great. But I don’t think a person is putting up THAT many viral particles that they’ll hang around for any substantial amount of time outdoors.
      2b) That said: On Teapot Translator’s point – because I’m the resident Obnoxious Runner Guy on AAM, I saw that model (the one with the CGI men and the rainbow backdraft particles), shared it because it was intuitively true (I’ve been farted on when running with others and it is not fun even from more than six feet), and then realized it was…a preliminary model that hasn’t been peer-reviewed yet. (So basically, it’s speculation, and it might not be as scary as you’d think.) And that model was geared more towards running/cycling with others, not just passing by others.
      3) It really depends on where you go and WHEN you go. I’ve been pretty adamant about avoiding parks for the most part during all of this – I’m kind of forced to now, since all of our state and county parks are closed (thanks, guys!), but if I see a lot of people somewhere I’ll just avoid it. I prefer running in the afternoons myself, which…isn’t great – it’s usually better to go out when there are fewer people. But especially now, I’ve tried to mix up my routes and go different places – and avoid fairly common routes.

      For what it’s worth, I’m from New Jersey, so my area has close to the highest rate of COVID in the world. I do live in a suburban area – in urban areas, I’d urge more caution, due to higher density. On the other hand, like…again, I’m from New Jersey, which has either the highest or second-highest population density overall in the United States! And I’m only like 15 minutes outside of New York, which is the densest area of the state – most towns here have more people per square mile than most American cities. So take that as you will.

      And I’ve seen those same messages about how you’re horrible if you even THINK about the outdoors right now. But I’ve also seen one of my nurse friends – who, for the record, works at the hardest hit hospital in the entire state – who’s also a runner actually encourage us to run. She gives me kudos on Strava. It’s a mixed bag. I still feel guilty about getting runs in. I feel guilty about judging people walking around the park loops that are still open. So you’re not alone in this, I think.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        What LGC said about that study – it’s not just preliminary / not reviewed, it’s by an engineer / engineering marketer, and a lot of epidemiologists are slamming it hard.

        Just stay over 6′ away, and do what you need to do.

    14. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’m in Michigan, and I try to get out for an hour a day, weather permitting. I have outdoor clothes by the door, and usually shower when I get back in. (People around here are either not good at social distancing or not good at knowing what six feet is.) I’m trying to stay at least thirty feet away from people, especially on days when there is any wind, because people are not wearing masks, and any time they talk or cough or sneeze, the wind could carry those droplets right over to me.

      I avoid people like the plague. I will cross the street to avoid people, and if that isn’t possible, I’ll walk through parking lots to avoid them. There are a couple of nature trails around here, but I avoid them because it’s difficult to stay far away from people. Earlier this week I thought I was alone on the one trail and some guy’s dog, which is supposed to be on a leash, just ran right up to me and stuck his nose in my berries. And I was twelve feet off the path. And of course, the guy is calling his dog, because he can’t just come over and grab him without getting close to me, but the dog has decided that it likes me. I was about ready to climb a tree.

      I do wear a mask to protect others. I also wish people who run would wear a mask.

      It’s weird. I now have a “leave the house ceremony” and an “enter the house ceremony”. I miss the days when I could just come and go and not feel contaminated all the time.

      1. Snark*

        There are scientifically-based, reasonable precautions one can and should take. What you’re doing is, as they say, quite the other thing, and I say that as someone with a research background in microbiology. If you’re so preoccupied with feelings of contamination that you’re concerned you’re going to get infected from people talking 30 feet away on a breezy day, your anxiety is becoming compulsive.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      I am a big fan of going to the horse’s mouth. Look at your state website/county website and local website to see what the leaders are saying.

      Our county has a very small rate. Tiny, even. I go to work and I shop for groceries for people. There are plenty of people out walking their dogs or toddlers. Everyone seems to be distancing quite well. And I am struck by how polite everyone is being.

      Personally, I prefer to go out on days that are warmer and less windy. (Ear issues.)

      I think the differences in the posts you noted here are happening for a number of reasons. It could be the person lives in a densely populated area. It could be that the writer is in contact or lives with at-risk people. It could be that there is no one to watch the kids if they go out. Lotsa variables here that aren’t always mentioned.

      I live alone. My county is doing quite well considering. I only go out for essentials. While I get groceries for people, I put the groceries on their porches, ring the bell and back away quickly. They wipe everything down. I go out and work in my yard or take the dog outside to play with him. (not very exciting here, I can tell ya.) But I see plenty of people out running or walking. And they sometimes have another person with them that could be their SO or their child.

    16. Lizzo*

      Going outside for exercise is fine, provided you stay away from people and take appropriate precautions, which it sounds like you are already doing.

      As others mentioned, there are folks who are going outside and interacting with other people in very close proximity, and that is creating a lot of fear and anxiety for everyone, and so those people who are most fearful and anxious yell a bit louder about EVERYBODY NEEDING TO STAY INSIDE. Heck, I’ve seen people who keep claiming that our parks are closed when that is not true (facilities, playgrounds, field houses = yes, but the green space is still available), and when you give them the facts from the city website, they still try to stick by their claim that EVERYTHING IS CLOSED.

      The only change I have made to my exercise routine is to engage in low risk activities and to not stray too far from home to try and avoid injury. (This is no time to be in an emergency room due to a bike crash.)

      So, carry on, be well, and be safe!

      1. OyHiOh*

        Most of the restrooms in public parks are closed, here, except for two sites that are located in big parks with walking loops. The logic seems to be that having restrooms open in those two sites encourages use of the walking loops and nearby bike paths and that keeping the other bathrooms closed discourages kids from using the playgrounds (lots of signs up but still, kids are kids . . . . )

    17. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I asked this a few weeks ago and most people reassured me that it was OK to walk outside, even my obgyn said it was OK to walk outside as long as I take precautions.

      I still haven’t gone outside for a walk. I was always lazy to do that, and I guess I’m scared + lazy.

      I’m also in NYC, which is very hard hit so maybe I am justified in not going outside.

    18. Ranon*

      Please go outside. Our indoor environments were not designed for you to be inside them 24/7, most if not all of them are actively unhealthy (mentally and physically) for you to stay in 24/7 for a whole variety of reasons (indoor air quality, exposure to daylight, pollutants, lack of variability in the environment to name just a few). If you’re not coming into contact with people (i.e. able to maintain a 6ft distance easily) the benefits far outweigh the risks.

      And while you’re inside, open your blinds for light and windows/ doors/ HVAC for fresh air as much as feasible.

  95. Jdc*

    Well the police came knocking on my door. They must teach that knock, I’ll have to ask ha.

    Ha has my dog In hand. I was napping and he slipped out behind husband while we was in the yard.

    This isn’t his first brush with the law. The last one cost us $200. Luckily he was just nearby so he grabbed him and brought him back. We obviously will be having a talk about his behavior and no treats.

    Silly dog.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Once all this virus craziness calms down, can you do something re fences to help prevent reoccurrences? I know some dogs are just escape artists, but worth considering.

      1. Jdc*

        If we owned I’d build a fence but not an option and we aren’t buying in this state since we aren’t staying. He usually doesn’t get out because I am with him while he goes out. Husband I think didn’t realize he left the back door ajar.

        He has tags, a chip, a GPS tracker and license so that’s good. He just really likes to go check out the neighborhood since we moved apparently.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Is he a digger/ jumper, or relatively calm? We rent, but invested in the metal gridded portable fencing which has a built in gate into it. Made a “safe zone” around the back door, by fastening atarting at the side of the house, and made an “internal fence” that is pretty good sized. (We used 5 of those kits… I got huge potted plants that weigh 5x as much as dog, and used them as anchors, but bungee cording to them). It is hard to describe, but what it lets me do is allow dog to sit on the back steps, under the patio cover, or go check out the edge of the fence area and look up at the neighbor cat (just curious). If you have grass, they come with u-shaped anchors to hold them down, and they have snap hooks to clip them together to make longer runs of them.
          But I have a smaller dog, who is not a jumper, and she won’t dig under the one edge that has rock.
          (The yard is huge, I just don’t trust her unaccompanied out in the field behind the barn where the redwood fence could be rotting – we’ve had to reattach it a couple times).
          Mostly,she just wants to lay in the sun and check things out.
          YMMV, but it is flexible and I can take it down and with me when I leave. Landlord did not seem to notice (mine is a great guy) that I had put eye-bolts into the side of the house to zip tie it to the house on the back corners.

          1. Jdc*

            He has an area he can go hang outside that is gated. Truly husband just left that gate open. I’m all for more options but hesitant to spend the money knowing i usually watch him. We could be here another 60 days or a year. This whole thing is changing our plans.

  96. Teapot Translator*

    Oh, anyone have a recipe (that they tried and know it works) for making yeast at home and how to use it once it’s alive? When I go to the supermarket, I keep an eye out for yeast, but so far no luck. There’s a no-knead recipe I want to try with store-bought yeast.
    I tried the recipe that the biologist gave on Twitter and I think it worked? But now, I think I may have killed my yeast? :-( Maybe it’s not warm enough in here?

    1. LQ*

      Have you tried one of the sourdough with yogurt recipes?
      I can’t seem to find the one I used (I was sure it was from Kitchn). There are a few out there. Highly recommend pre-heating the Dutch oven made it great.

    2. BRR*

      Quickly reading the biologist, it looks like just a shorter sourdough starter. It’s possible you didn’t kill the yeast, it will just go through a cycle of rising and falling. You can probably just discard some of it and add some more flour, water, and fruit. Also for temp, 80-85 degrees will be optimal for fermentation but it can happen at cooler temperatures, it just takes longer.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Oh no, I took out the fruit! Should I add a new fruit in? I used a prune.
        Time to feed the yeast. Maybe I’ll cuddle it a bit while watching the movie. Does someone know why we have to take come out when feeding it (at least at the beginning) and why we can’t just keep adding to it?

        1. BRR*

          Im not familiar with this method so I’m not sure about the fruit (sorry!). I have a sourdough starter (yeast) that I just did with flour and water. Fruit just jump starts it because there are wild yeast cells on it. I’ve heard you could also use yogurt but I’ve never tried it myself.

          I know with a starter you take some out because it “feeds” on the water and flour and there’s no more “food” left after ~24 hours. You could not discard anything but you’d have to add a lot more flour and water.

        2. Jedi Squirrel*

          Think of an aquarium. It has a filter, so that you can get rid of the fish waste.

          Yeast produce waste products (carbon dioxide and alcohol), but there’s no filter in your starter. So you get rid of some of the starter, and add new water and flour to give them some more food and also dilute their waste products.

          Like BRR says, you could not take anything out, but because you’re also diluting the waste, you’d have to keep adding progressively more, essentially doubling the size of the starter on a daily basis. (That might not be exactly the right math; it depends on the recipe you follow.)

          1. Teapot Translator*

            Thanks for the explanation! My inquisitive mind is very satisfied.
            I’ve removed some of the mix and added water and flour and I’m now cuddling the jar. If I can’t have a dog in the short term, I’m going to take care of this yeast!

      2. Margaret*

        Seconding the temperature tip. I’m not familiar with the fruit method, but I do keep a regular sourdough starter, and if I’m trying to keep it active (either when it’s just getting started, or if I plan to bake something soon), I keep it in the oven, turned off, but with the light on. That keeps it a nice cozy warm spot that’s better than just sitting out on the kitchen counter.

    3. university minion*

      I’ve had my starter for about 5 years now. It’s wonderfully hardy stuff. All I do is feed it (50/50 flour and water) every 24 hours when it’s at room temperature (12 if I need it in a hurry), or put it in the fridge when I don’t have time to bake. When it’s time to get going again, 2 feedings and we’re ready to use.
      You don’t need much in reserve to keep it going. I’m going to feed mine up to make pizza dough later today. I mostly make King Arthur’s no-knead sourdough recipe and pizza dough with mine.

    4. Salymander*

      Sounds like you figured this out. :)

      But FYI you can use a packet of yeast to make more yeast, in case anyone has that last packet or a little bit left in your jar of yeast. You just start it the same way you do with sourdough. Same process, but maybe a bit more water. Like, if you normally use 1/2 cup each of water and flour, you add a couple more tablespoons of water and a bit of yeast. I started with about a half teaspoon of yeast. Then, when your yeast starter is ready (mine took about a week) you just use 1/2 – 3/4 of the starter and add flour to make it the right consistency. It takes a little longer for dough to rise than it does with dry yeast, but it is quicker than sourdough. Keep adding flour and water to the leftover starter every time you use it (and remove some and add flour &water every week or so if you don’t bake often). After the first week you can keep it in the refrigerator so you don’t have to add flour every day. I had the same yeast starter going for years until I had some health problems that made me really weak and tired and I just stopped baking for awhile. I have the yeast started up again now as I only had a little dry yeast left and couldn’t find any in the store.

  97. RagingADHD*

    You mean like a sourdough starter? They’re quite simple to make.

    King Arthur Flour has instructions on their website, and lots of recipes of what to do with the excess starter you take out when “feeding” it.

  98. Kuododi*

    Hope this isn’t too late for posting. My old man Daschund has recovered beautifully from his teeth extraction. He eats like a hog and even has energy to horse around with his baby brother.
    Otherwise, I met with my urologist and the kidney stone surgery on the left one is scheduled for May 7th. (Of course this is all dependant on Covid-19) Well between more pending surgery, general cabin crazy, and still dealing with fall out from cancer surgery/treatment I’m a bit overwhelmed. Just an update on progress. Blessings to all.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Oh wow, that’s a lot to have on your plate at the best of times, to say nothing of now. Sending you some good thoughts!

      Also, glad your doxie is doing well!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Same from me, good thoughts and wishes for things to go easier than expected with the kidney stones. I am glad the dog is doing well. And general wishes for life to get easier for you and yours.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      sending you a gentle internet hug. So very glad doggo is on the mend and even enjoying the younger one (and not grumpy). Keeping positive thoughts that you can say farewell to that kidney stone may 7th ….

    3. Anon woman WITHOUT breast cancer*

      Hi Kuododi, I was thinking of you yesterday when I made my comment, and how much I appreciated your comments over these past few months re: cancer. I am sorry you feel overwhelmed. It is a lot to manage it sounds like. I am sending you a jedi hug, and I am so pleased your doggo eats well now and plays! I can just imagine him snarfing down his food with joy and no more discomfort! Kind, warm wishes and be gentle with yourself. You are such a warrior. Take time to breathe and congratulate yourself on getting thru all you have, so far. And be happy that your doggo loves you more now for solving his teeth problem. :)

    4. Wishing You Well*

      My husband completely dissolved 2 small kidney stones by drinking a gallon of water a day for a month or more while waiting for ultrasound treatment for them. When he went in for treatment, they couldn’t find any kidney stones to treat. Weird. Don’t do this though, without asking your urologist first. I hope all goes well.
      Best of Luck.

  99. D3*

    Honest question:
    If you’re talking with someone and they say “It could be worse!” or “at least it isn’t X!” does that ever make anyone actually feel better?
    Had a conversation with a family member who does this constantly whenever someone is struggling and she was frustrated that people didn’t like it.
    Tried to explain to her that even if someone has it worse, the thing the person is dealing with is still a hard thing, and that compassion and empathy would go over better than telling them someone else has it worse.
    She claimed she was “just giving perspective”
    So…does hearing “It could be worse!”, “at least it isn’t X!”, of “some people have what you and AND (other troubles)!” ever actually help you?

    1. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I would be tempted to slap the relative. If she objected, I’d just say “it could worse, I could have punched you with my closed fist”. But then, I’m cranky that way.

    2. Blueberry*

      If you’re talking with someone and they say “It could be worse!” or “at least it isn’t X!” does that ever make anyone actually feel better?

      In the entire history of the human race this has never made anyone feel better.* Personally when people say that to me I respond with “don’t tempt fate”.

      *: I know, I’m tempting fate myself. But I couldn’t resist the phrasing.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      So, I say that sometimes. I am aware that it’s probably not perceived as helpful, but it is intended as sympathetic and my brain hasn’t fully responded to retraining. I am trying to switch to “hang in there”. Success varies.

    5. PollyQ*

      Almost never helpful, and not something I’d say unless maybe I felt the person was blowing something out of proportion or was a child (in my care) who might benefit from some education about other people’s lives. Maybe not even then — maybe just say you think they’re getting carried away, or hell, just let it go.

      And people like your relative bug me so hard: “I keep doing X, but people don’t find it helpful.” Well, have you considered not doing X? Or are you more committed to doing what you like than actually helping people?

      1. J.B.*

        And for the moody pre-teen in my care, I will never ever say it because she’d just shut down. “I’m sorry, that sounds hard” (in my head only: “even though, really, is this that big of a deal”) is just a better way to get through and know that yes, being her age is hard. Figuring out kid relationships is hard. Even though I know two hours from now she’ll be fine and playing with that other kid again, she needs to figure out how to relate by herself.

    6. Actual Vampire*

      It helps me a lot when I say it to myself! (I’ve been getting through quarantine by reminding myself that my grandparents lived through much worse things, and still had mostly happy and successful lives.) But no, it doesn’t help when someone else says it to me.

      1. MinotJ*

        Same here. I’ll say it to myself to ground myself. But if somebody else says it to me, it’s like they think I’m so self-absorbed that I haven’t thought of it.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        It’s one thing to say it to yourself. I do that all the time especially nowadays…like I’m thankful to have XYZ in these times, but if someone told me they were going crazy I wouldn’t say it to them. It’s like you said, it’s not helpful. In my experience, the people who fight tooth and nail to be like this, they think they’re better than everyone else, stronger, tougher, smarter etc. This is definitely an idea that needs to die soon.

      3. Patty Mayonnaise*

        I think this points to what’s going on here – it’s a helpful thing to say to yourself, so people think it’s a helpful thing to say in general… and it’s just not.

    7. Jedi Squirrel*

      The problem with this is that, barring the heat death of the universe, every situation could be worse. But realizing this does not help the person in any way deal with the situation they are facing. (I mean, honestly, can you imagine losing a child and someone saying “Could be worse! You could have lost both of them!” This comment really is this heartless. How in the hell is this sort of reframing meant to help the person in question?)

      This really sounds like something your sister says to help herself cope. If it helps her, that’s fine, but she needs to keep it to herself. Suggest an alternate script she could use like “I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you need anything, let me know.” People who are grieving are in their own world and they don’t need “perspective”‒whatever the hell she means by that.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Them: I lost my kiddo and I am grieving.
        Her: Could be worse! The world could blow up!
        Them: You don’t understand. The world DID just blow up.

        wth. Really.

    8. BeeJiddy*

      While I never do this to other people, I will say it occasionally works on me, depending on the subject and who is saying it. Sometimes I’ll be moaning about some uni nonsense to a classmate and they’ll reply “Well at least it’s not [something plausible that could happen that would be 100x worse]” and I laugh and agree. If it’s something really serious then I’m not interested in hearing it, but if it’s low stakes and the person who is talking to me about it is sharing the same experience, I am ok with it. Also, for me it’s ok coming from people I know are definitely trying to help me feel better, but if the person has a history of being passive-aggressive etc. then nah, no thanks.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      People don’t want perspective. They want empathy and comfort. It would not kill your sister to say, “AW, that so sucks! I am so sorry to hear that!” and then stop talking.

      Perspective is not the same as empathy and comfort.

      Life is not a contest to see who has the greatest hardship. Ask her why she is turning it into one. Or point out to her that, “I don’t have to have starving children in order to be allowed to mourn my pet’s passing! I am allowed to mourn my pet or whatever it is that is bothering me.”

      Personally, I think a key question to ask her is why she feels she has to “fix” everyone with this one-up-manship thing that she does. I’d also be tempted to ask her, “If you knew for a fact that you were alienating people with this, would that help you to stop it?’

      This is one of the recurring statements my elders used on me. So now I have this high awareness of how it can be really destructive.
      Maybe you can just answer with, “What a useless thing to say to a person!”, if that mood hits you.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        All of this.

        Some things can’t be fixed. No need to try to fix them. Just provide comfort.

        TBH, I’m not even sure what “perspective” would mean in light of any personal loss. Every loss is unique.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I don’t think there’s a such thing as “perspective” when it comes to loss. When my Dad died, I tried to placate myself (and say it out loud) that I was thankful he wasn’t sick or in pain and it was sudden, and not prolonged. But if someone else had said that to me, I’d be really angry about it.

    11. RagingADHD*

      I say it to myself frequently, and yes it does make me feel better. Sometimes I exaggerate it to the point of absurdity, which helps me find humor and regain my balance.

      I try not to say it to other people, because I know they aren’t wired like me.

      Though I do occasionally say it to my children when they are acting entitled or lazy, such as whining about reasonable chores. Or acting like (for example) not being able to get their favorite takeout is a horrible tragedy.

      It does not make them feel better, but that’s not my goal in that moment.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I do wonder how this mentality of “it could be worse is NOT helpful” can be adopted when raising kids. Striking the right balance between them knowing they’re luckier than many in the world, vs making sure their emotional needs are being met. Is it really such a delicate line? I’ve kinda been thinking about this a lot lately.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          I think the question of perspective is reversed when you’re talking to children. Their worlds are very small and theory of mind takes a while to develop, let alone empathy.

          So if a 6yo comes crying that his best friend won’t play with him, it’s up to the adult to consider the perspective that at 6 playing is all there is, and friends are all you have, so this is HUGE.

          There’s a parenting lesson I can’t remember verbatim, but in essence it’s about always meeting your child where they are, even if their troubles seem minor or self-centred to an adult, so that they will be able to communicate with you as they grow. The final line of the lesson is, “It’s always been about the big things.” That is to say, it is good if your child learns that you will always engage with them about whatever is at the forefront of their mind.

          That doesn’t mean you can’t nudge an older child with some perspective as well as offering sympathy, support and advice on the problem at hand.

          “Your girlfriend of six days dumped you for your classmate? That really sucks and I imagine you feel hurt and sad. Let’s binge Disney+ and in five years you won’t even remember her name.”

          1. fposte*

            Right, emotions don’t calibrate to adults’ understanding of a problem. If he’s upset up to 10, saying “It’s just a balloon!” doesn’t make him feel better any more than saying “You can always get married again!” soothes a new widow.

            1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

              Exactly. So often what an angry/frightened/grieving person needs is for someone to say “that sucks; I am here for you”, and that can be expressed in different ways depending on who’s talking.

          2. Potatoes gonna potate*

            @ GvK – I think that’s exactly what I was looking for – I would want them to always engage with me about everything. I remember when I was a kid family was like “oh its just __ it’s no big deal, toughen up.”

        2. PollyQ*

          I wonder if timing is the key to this. Yes, make your kids aware of their good fortune in a general way, but right when they’re upset about something maybe isn’t best time to teach the lesson.

        3. RagingADHD*

          Well, I don’t do it when they are actually upset about something emotional.

          For example:

          — What do you mean the takeout place is closed? What are we going to dooooooooooo?
          — I’m going to make something you like from the houseful of food we already have.
          — But I want Favorite Place! Why can’t we get Favorite Place!
          — Listen, it could be worse. It’s not like there’s nothing here to eat. I just got grocery pickup.

          Or

          — Whyyyyyyy do I have to take out the recycling?
          — Because it’s your turn.
          — But it’s sooooooo full!
          — Yep. And the bin is literally two steps outside the back door.
          — It’s gonna take foreeeeeeever!
          — You would be done already if you went ahead and started.
          — It’s not faaaaair!
          — Could be worse. At least it’s not raining.

          Children don’t naturally develop a sense of perspective and rational alternatives. They have to see it modeled.

          There are some realities of life that one has to learn to suck up and deal with – like that other people don’t exist to serve you – their lives and needs are equally valid & important to your own. Or that having a decent quality of life means investing some time & energy in caring for your body and your living space.

          This is not at all the same thing as telling a kid their emotions don’t matter. It’s teaching them their emotions aren’t the *only* thing that matters. You can have an emotion and also get up and cope. They are not mutually exclusive.

    12. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’ve been told this for oh like 20-30 years. I’m 34 now and it’s only the last few years or so that I’ve come to realize it doesn’t have to be like that and tell myself that I’m not any less deserving of care. Doesn’t matter the type of person who says it, and I’ve been guilty of it since teenhood because that’s all I ever knew. I’ll still tell *myself* that it could be worse, but after some of the things I’ve been through, I would never say that to anyone else. I still have work to do on it but having been on the other side, I don’t want to make someone feel the way I’ve felt.

      2 examples that stick out in my memory:

      “Oh that sucks you miscarried but at least it wasn’t a longer term pregnancy!” I’m dead serious someone told me that.

      In college, I was upset about my classes/studies and a friend just told me that someone in our friend group was going through a late term pregnancy loss. Of course I felt awful for the friend, but my friend who told me the news was not a good friend. We’re no longer friends.

      I’ve had times where I admitted that I felt suicidal and couldn’t control it, and commenters said I was being a drama queen and to think of people with cancer/living in 3rd world countries/etc.

      I was talking to a friend last night and she was complaining about her job. And I lost my job recently and I was gutted about it — several years and circumstances ago I would’ve rolled my eyes and said it can be worse — but I didn’t do that this time because I *know* everyone is suffering in some way and her job situation isn’t one to be envied, so I tried to give her the room to vent and commiserate. Because it’s not an enviable position.

      I can’t control how people will be but I can control how much of myself I reveal to others, and most importantly, how to be a good example for others.

      1. J.B.*

        I am so sorry about the loss of your pregnancy, and that people spoke to you like that. If your friend knew that you had lost your job, I wish she had had the self-awareness to complain about her own job to someone else…but you are very kind for giving her room.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Thank you. To be fair, she is very kind and knew about the job loss, she was there for me when I vented and acknowledged that it was rough for me too when she was venting to me. She’s not in a great position wiht her job either.

    13. Dancing Otter*

      When my father had a heart attack, the minister said to him, “It could have been worse. I’ve just been visiting {fellow parishioner}, and he’s much worse off than you.”
      Daddy never forgave him, and stopped attending church almost entirely.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        You father is a very restrained man, because I would have throttled the minister right then and there. “It could be worse” is never called for when the person being told that could have died.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        …wow…
        A guy who flunked Ministering 101 should find another line of work. It also sounds like a breach in mentioning someone else’s medical state. Sheesh.

    14. Mx*

      “It could be worse” is something I tell to myself. In some situations it helps me to remain grateful for what I have.
      But I wouldn’t say it to someone else as it would sound harsh and lacking empathy.

    15. Fikly*

      It’s incredibly invalidating.

      At this point I just link people to the many, many sites that point out that invalidation is a form of emotional abuse, and move on.

    16. Jules the 3rd*

      One time, I was explaining to a new acquaintance that my boyfriend of 5mo had just broken up with me by phone after 2 weeks ghosting. He replied, ‘I just found out that my ex-fiance is marrying the guy she left me for’ and explained the backstory, which was really sucky and full of ex-fiance cheating and making mean decisions. I knew my 5mo, not terribly serious boyfriend was not a big deal, and hearing his tale of woe did actually make me feel better – at least my relationship had just run its course, neither of us was cheating or lying.

      So, I’ve never had ‘it could be worse’ make me feel better, but I have had ‘well, let me tell you how much worse *I* am feeling right now’ make me feel better.

      Didn’t hurt that the new acquaintance was a *very* good looking man, and friend of a friend, and now we both knew we were single. We dated 9mo and are still friendly 20ish years later.

    17. J.B.*

      No, it never ever helps me feel better. Sometimes things are hard. Sympathizing and saying “that is hard” is the right call. My minister quoted Brene Brown saying that the more we told ourselves we should be happier or more grateful, the less empathy we had for other people.

    18. Analyst Editor*

      I think the unspoken conversation that’s meant to happen when someone says that isn’t literally, “here’s a worse thing, so it should make you appreciate your less bad thing more/ be relieved/ take your mind off”.

      There’s not much that a person without the power to help you can do if you vent to them, and they know that. But this is how they signal their support. “Hey, it could be worse” is a combination of”I’m actually glad it’s not worse”, “I am offering you this small bit of light-heartedness as a token of my solidarity with your plight and my desire that things go better for you”, and as a “here is a neutral, non-invasive bookend to your vent that signals empathy and non-judgment for your vent/moment of weakness, and gives you the option to continue the conversation or tie it up there, without having to manage my emotions or satisfy my curiosity.”

      Probably overthinking :p

    19. Salymander*

      No, this is not helpful or kind. I think lots of people do this because they pride themselves on their positive outlook. With emphasis on the pride. It comes across as smug and self righteous, and often is.

  100. Anono-me*

    So we’re going to have to do a grocery order in about a week. I read all the instructions online that the stores have. So far it looks like Walmart delivery makes the most sense for where we are and what we need.
    For those of you who have grocery shop this way or actually done this professionally; What additional advice do you have? Is there a day or time that’s better than others? Also what is the tipping etiquette?
    Thank you for any advice you’re able to share.

    1. Sara(h)*

      Depending where you live, look into availability and order in advance, because there have been a lot of delays due to increased demand. As for tipping, under these circumstances I would tip at least 20% — the delivery people deserve a generous tip! (Normally I might tip less depending on the order, but not now.)

    2. fposte*

      Assume a several days’ wait and definitely suggest substitutions if the order interface allows; unfortunately, availability when you place the order and availability when it’s shopped can differ greatly.

      1. Anono-me*

        Thank you. Yes, actually substituting is one of the things I should have asked about specifically.
        Is there a way to indicate my priority for substitutions. Say I ordered a case of regular Pepsi cans. I will take any kind of regular Pepsi in any format you have it, if you don’t have the cans. If you don’t have regular Pepsi, I will even take Coke or store brand cola if that’s all you have. However, I really don’t want a case of diet pop instead as it upsets my stomach.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I do Walmart curbside regularly since it became available several months ago.

          They won’t substitute diet for regular. Generally, they will sub multiple smaller units for a bigger one, but not usually in the other direction. So if you requested 2-liters, they are more likely to sub cans, than vice versa.

          I don’t know any way to suggest substitutions. They just present one option and you can accept or reject it.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I had a rocky experience with Walmart grocery a couple years ago. Maybe people can tell you how it is going now, and it is better? I ordered 8 items. Over a 2 week period 6 of the items arrive in 5 boxes. The remaining 2 items were on back order and instead of asking me, they just canceled the items off my order.

      For me to try again, I would make a small order and I would place the order much earlier than I needed it.

    4. RagingADHD*

      If you can, start checking timeslots just after midnight, or *very* early in the morning. You’ll get the best shot at grabbing something in a reasonable timeframe, and you can see how far out they take bookings.

      As soon as you find one open in your target timeframe, start an order. As long as you have the minimum purchase, you can check out and pay. This will hold the slot. If you just have stuff in your cart but haven’t paid, they will give your slot away.

      You can add to or edit your order up to around midnight the day before the slot.

      If you’re trying to order very popular items (canned tuna, cheese, milk), you may get an error when placing it in your cart if you’re still a couple of days out. Usually that will resolve if you do a final edit at the last minute. They aren’t having big supply problems in most places, but it’s moving so quickly they won’t guarantee availability in advance.

      1. valentine*

        start checking timeslots just after midnight
        Is this Walmart-specific?

        Look now to see how far ahead you can place an order.

    5. Pam*

      Today’s Instacart shopper got tipped 10% through the app, and $20 in cash when they came.
      (they were gloved)

  101. I suck at sequester*

    Well it seemed like a good idea at the time.
    driving the car to pick up a take out meal for the first time in 4 weeks.
    It was a shrimp boil with new potatoes and sausage.
    The idea was that you took it home and the chef live screened the instructions and you cooked it.
    In some kind of fantasy I though my husband and I would do this together.
    The stream was glitchy. It was hard to hear. They didn’t include the actual recipe. I watched an older video from the chef to prepare.
    the husband kept making the screen full so I couldn’t see the comment side.
    I asked him to keep it small and read the comments so we would know what to do.
    He said fine, I will go to the other room, you can do this yourself.
    I said could you help by reading the comments.
    He decided at that moment to open a package of electronics that just arrived on the counter where we were preparing the food!
    Pandamic!
    the food was too spicy (premeasured)
    the husband ate the meal quizzing me about following directions and how it didn’t taste like how we got at the restaurant.
    I am on the couch stewing.
    good thing Easter dinner is just heating up ham.

    1. valentine*

      Wow! If ham is a euphemism for husband, I would not convict.

      This shouldn’t be on you, but you can tell him you thought it would be fun to do it together and, if he didn’t want to read the comments, he could’ve offered to switch roles, but it almost looks like he sabotaged your efforts, so complaining was way out of line. Ask what his experience was.

      Also: What the blood did he want the image larger for?

    2. Feeling a bit better*

      Thank you Valentine. I’m over it. I think I had too high expectations. And am super on edge given health issues.

    3. J.B.*

      Aww hugs. No one can irritate us like our family. I’m sorry the order didn’t turn out well.

  102. cheeseburger*

    My kids are STIR CRAZY. They re-chalk the driveway and sidewalk after every rain. They’ve done a full Chutes and Ladders game as well as Candyland in the driveway. Our sidewalk is a hopscotch run, with some messages for friends they know walk by every day. My dog-obsessed children wrote “DOGS! STOP HERE!” and put out a water bowl (we do not have a dog). Our town has a long bike path and there are buckets of chalk at various intervals. In addition to fun messages, there are questions for passers-by to answer since chalk is everywhere. Eg. “What’s your favorite kind of pie?” to “Finish this lyric____” and someone wrote a mad-lib for people to do.

    We also have teddy bears in windows so kids can go on a bear hunt. We’ve been painting and hiding rocks in our neighborhood which has an old railroad near it. The tracks are public property and haven’t been used in decades and are now just neighborhood hiking trails. We went back to hide some rocks there and found nearly 100 rocks painted and hidden with fun messages.

    We’ve also got a plastic flamingo making its way around town from house to house in the dead of night.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        For what it’s worth, I would LOVE to see a message to my doggy written by kids. He loves children and I enjoy chatting with kids (from a distance, of course). A couple of weeks ago a small child saw us walking by from her window and shouted out, “Hi! What’s your dog’s name?” and we had a nice little chat.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      LOL about the flamingo! Brilliant!! Bonus points if anyone gives it a scarf, hat, Easter bonnet, etc. Maybe someone could start a flamingo travel blog the way somebody started a Twitter account for the king cobra snake that got loose from the Bronx zoo a few years ago.

      I trust that people wash their hands after relocating the flamingo. Sorry if that sounds sanctimonious or over-the-top worrying-about-other-people.

      1. J.B.*

        What is wrong about the water bowl? There has been no indication that dogs catch Coronavirus. And let the chalk go. Stay at home is not quarantine, it is a risk reduction technique.

  103. Zoomophobe*

    Just a vent, I hate Zoom meetings. My family has had two but the only person I speak with on any kind of basis is my mother. Everyone talks at once so the conversation is impossible to follow. Not a good thing for this introvert, had to beg off after 45 mins. Glad it’s over!

    1. Mimmy*

      I hear ya…my family of 19 did a Zoom meeting a few weeks ago and it was…. a mess. There was no real rhyme or reason to it. My husband said that these things need a moderator lol.

      1. valentine*

        For both of you: smaller meetings? I mean, even during a family reunion, you don’t spend 45+(!!!) minutes in a massive group. (Unless you’re dancing.)

    2. Reba*

      Oof, yeah, this is a busy weekend for virtual socializing. People have different strength of internet, different hearing levels… we have Zoom, Google hangouts, Facetime and probably other formats in the mix.

      I had a cousin chat, and FOO chat yesterday, in-law family chat and virtual easter brunch with my sister (who is way more social than me!!!). These are all groups of 6 households or less… my one experience with a large party of 12+ people tuning in just didn’t work as far as conversation went.

      Good to remind myself that I love these people :)

  104. Jaid*

    Started watching Pili War of Dragons on netflix. It’s a Chinese martial arts drama series using puppets. Think of Kung-Fu Captain Scarlett or Thunderbirds.

    Crunchyroll has a similar show called Thunderbolt Fantasy, but plays too many ads to make it worth watching.

  105. Free Meerkats*

    It’s been … a week. Monday, my brother went over to Mom’s house and thought she was having a stroke. Off to the ER; she’s 84, so not a great thing, but she needed it. Turns out in older women, a severe UTI can present with stroke-like symptoms. She went into septic shock, into the ICU, intubated, IV antibiotics. Then they helicoptered her to the university medical center where she had surgery Tuesday night for a kidney blockage.

    She’s slowly getting better. I was planning on driving to her place in two weeks, now I’ll leave when she gets released. It’s 2100 miles, so a three day drive.

    I left the house for the first time this week today to pick up some prescriptions, then took a 2 mile walk.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Oh gosh! Wow. I am glad they were able to get your mom to the hospital.

      Seven hundred miles a day is a heck of a ride. Will you be allowed to stay in her state once you get there?

      1. Free Meerkats*

        700 miles a day isn’t too terrible. When I’m long – distance driving, I plan on 600 miles a day for easy driving, this will be a bit of a push. I’ll have enough food and water in the car for 4 days each way; I’ll only need to stop for fuel, bio breaks, and sleep. And if I can’t find a hotel that’s open, I’ll have a sleeping bag with me. But it’s less than the thousand mile days I did when I was younger.

        I’m not worried about the stay there thing, town is a few miles away and only 300 people. Besides, I’ll be self – isolating at Mom’s to help take care of her. And I’m self – isolating as much as possible now in preparation.

    2. PollyQ*

      Oh no, how awful! So scary when these things happen in the elderly. Glad to hear she’s improving, at least.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Oh, my! Yes, UTIs are so very very much worse when they are older – my friend’s mother had the stroke-like symptoms your mom had. It is truly frightening.
      Please drive safe. I know, you know, about making sure you don’t get clots from sitting so much… be sure to stop and walk around enough for your sake, too.

    4. Fikly*

      I’m so glad your brother checked on her.

      UTIs in the elderly are incredibly dangerous, can look like so many other things, and there’s not enough awareness about them as a problem.

      I hope she recovers well.

    6. voluptuousfire*

      My 83-year-old dad has been in and out of the hospital since Dec with some recurring issues with diarrhea/random infections. He was in a nursing home for rehab since he’s got diabetic neuropathy (to get regular PT for his legs) and he’s now back in the ER for diarrhea/vomiting with blood. :( I totally understand how you feel. His younger sister also seems to have issues with UTI ad his brother passed away last Sunday due to a heart attack and stroke.

      It’s never a dull moment with elderly parents, I tell you. : virtual fistbump of solidarity:

    7. Free Meerkats*

      This evening’s update.

      She’s off the ventilator and has told the doctor not to put her back on it should it be needed. Her breathing has improving and she’s requiring less oxygen to maintain her sats.

      Still no visitors unless she goes into comfort care. At that point I’ll probably take the first flight I can get. The main reason for driving is to minimize the chance for acquiring the ‘rona and passing it on to her. At that point, it’s moot. If she gets released I’ll drive.

      Luckily, my management is being understanding and I can leave with just a phone call.

  106. Viral TikTok videos*

    Has anyone seen those TikTok videos going viral of doctors and nurses doing dance routine at hospitals with empty hallways?

    The comments are split between “COVID IS A HOAX!/why aren’t they saving lives?” and “everyone needs to let off steam.”

    I’m of the opinion that this is not a hoax. And I 100% stand for healthcare and pretty much all workers taking breaks and doing what they can to relax in such a stressful time — everyone needs an outlet.

    What confuses me though is these dances seem to be pretty elaborate which require a lot of planning and coordination and time. I’ve worked at high stress jobs and my form of zoning out/relaxing is either chatting with friends about non work stuff and having a good laugh or scrolling social media. Basically something “free” and unstructured. I’m impressed.

    I don’t say this on social media lest someone think I’m attacking healthcare workers – I’m not. I just find it…. intriguing?

    1. Arnon*

      Some of them might in fact have a fair amount of extra time on their hands when they make these, if their hospital is making the necessary preparations at early stages of a local outbreak. Healthcare workers in many cities describe a “calm before the storm” as elective procedures get delayed or canceled, certain treatments get moved to at-home care, people become fearful of going to the hospital, visitors are banned, and so the hospital empties out and gets very quiet. There might a few days or a week of this before the covid-19 cases start to snowball and worsen and the hospital fills up again.

    2. PollyQ*

      I haven’t seen any of the videos, but I did a quick google, and one of the doctors that’s doing them picked the moves from a pre-existing group dance called the “Cha Cha Slide” that’s been around for a few years now, and is the kind of thing that gets played at weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc., so people already know it. He’s also in Portland, OR, which has a relatively small number of cases, so they may not be as slammed as hospitals in other cities.

      1. ThatGirl*

        The Cha Cha Slide has been around at least since I was in college so 20 years. It’s widely known and the directions are in the song. Who cares if the drs are blowing off a little steam?

    3. Lost in the Woods*

      One side effect of COVID has been a drastic, phenomenal drop of patients in basically every other area of the hospital and outpatient. Everything non-urgent has been cancelled; EMS call volumes have dropped hugely. If you’re not in one of the seriously, scarily hard-hit areas, it’s unlikely that your average, say, dermatologist or ophthalmologist is going to be called in to assist. And, in my experience, many people in healthcare need a lot of stimulation. I’m furloughed but prior, we would get twitchy on slow days (ie less than 30 patients), and now they’re seeing 2-3 a day in person after heavy phone and tele-medicine triage. I can absolutely see a dance routine happening.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        My sister works in gastroenterology. Her practice has had so few patients that they have laid off some office staff and she’s worried that she won’t be able to keep up her house payments because she is paid per visit. If they get a big influx of patients she might go work in the hospital but for now she’s doing telemedicine from home and just waiting for things to change.

    4. BeeJiddy*

      My sibling works at a hospital. They are so quiet at the moment with the postponement of non-emergency health procedures that people are taking days of annual leave here and there because there’s just not a lot to do.

    5. valentine*

      Do you know when they were filmed or that they’re not actors? Could’ve been a night shift ages ago.

      I’m of the opinion that this is not a hoax.
      Surreal that you need to say this.

      1. Viral TikTok videos*

        Not sure how to take your comment. Maybe opinion was the wrong word. But shockingly, there are people who believe that this is a hoax. I don’t think I’ve come across anyone making that comment on this specific forum, but on any other social media, definitely lots of people think this is all fake, showing empty hospitals, healthcare workers dancing in said viral videos etc. I felt I needed to add that to indicate that I’m not attacking them for doing those videos or make it seem like I don’t believe this virus is real.

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          I think valentine is saying how weird it is that some people have thought / still think that Covid19’s a hoax. Not disagreeing with you at all, but commenting on that attitude’s existence in the world.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Hoaxes. Some folks believe that the earth is flat. Yet planes continue to fly and ships continue to sail in spite of these non-believers. Some things boil down to, “Go ahead, believe what you would like to believe and the rest of us will continue on with what we are doing anyway.”

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            Except the problem with this one being a “hoax” is that it’s putting peoples lives at risk. Believing the earth is flat doesn’t put anyone’s life in danger; believing that COVID isn’t real kills people because those same people are refusing to follow social distancing and at the very worst, going around coughing on people/produce etc to antagonize them. One man actually coughed on FBI agents – IIRC some have been charged with terrorism threats.

    6. Viral TikTok videos*

      Thanks everyone else for weighing in. That makes a lot of sense as to why some hospitals are empty. Majority of reports I’ve seen have indicated that beds are running out, PPE/ ventilators etc are desperately needed, mass graves reports etc.

      I also checked in with a friend whos an ER doc and they said it’s eerily quiet.

      Again, I’m not attacking healthcare workers and I hope it doesn’t come across that way. I love watching people dance and am all for people doing what they can to unwind and relax in the middle of a stressful work day. I was just curious about these videos.

      1. Ann O.*

        I think it’s only New York (and maybe some of the hard hit other urban areas like Chicago or Detroit?) that are facing shortages. It seems like many other areas caught their spreads early enough so as not to overwhelm their hospitals. I know that Washington State had some pretty scary numbers early on, but they seemed able to bring them down.

        Of course, there’s always the possibility of more surges if places don’t properly manage whenever we move to the post-lockdown phase. :(

        1. ThatGirl*

          Chicago is doing all right. The shelter in place has helped a lot. I’m sure some hospitals are busy but others are just… waiting.

      2. Natalie*

        mass graves reports

        From this I’m assuming most of the coverage you’re seeing is from New York. The “mass grave” that people are freaking out about is Hart Island, the city’s potters field, and those trenches are always there because that’s how the city’s unclaimed bodies are buried. It’s unclear if people being buried their now are covid victims or ordinary unclaimed bodies being moved from the city morgues to free up space.

        Hart Island actually has a fascinating and oddly beautiful history IMO, I’ll link an old article in a reply.

        2. J.B.*

          The potters field is needed for any large city, but the fact that there are SO MANY bodies, and that some are being put there for likely later retrieval because families can’t find mortuaries or have the money right now is sobering. That is not freaking out, that is being hit by a very hard reality.

          1. Natalie*

            The freaking out I was referring to is related to trenches that *normally* exist on Hart Island, they were not dug this week for the pandemic, but bad clickbait articles based entirely on drone footage don’t provide that context. Basically, this is a mass grave that already existed, it’s not a mass grave that was created for covid deaths.

      3. Lost in the Woods*

        You can look at data on ICU beds and ventilator use country-by-country and state-by-state at the Institute for Health Metrics of the University of Washington website (link to follow). Most places are not in a shortage, though that could change rapidly if social distancing breaks down. Many/most of the worst reports are coming out of very hard hit areas like NYC; ICU units are scary everywhere and PPE is inadequate, but most places aren’t having to triage ventilators (yet).

    7. AnonymousNurse*

      Hello, ER nurse in LA here! Like most commenters have noted, most hospitals have cancelled anything not emergent. So while my ER is still seeing patients, the rest of the hospital is a ghost town. I think LA has done a decent job of preparing. People are afraid of going to the hospital, so now more people stay home. We ARE seeing COVID patients, just not getting hit quite as hard as other major areas of the country. That being said, the shortage of PPE is definitely being felt here too. That’s most definitely not a hoax.
      That being said, while I wouldn’t be in a tiktok to save my life, I do see the benefit. 12 hours overnight is a long time to do nothing, and in my ER, we have had nights of nothing recently. You see the same people night after night, so after awhile socializing gets…old. Can’t play cards, there’s been a national uproar over that recently haha (that was a joke). Some of my friends have learned the tiktoks just to pass time. And to destress. Sometimes laughing at your friend’s bad dancing can get you through the night.

  107. Valancy Snaith*

    I’m hoping someone can help me with this. In high school I had a friend who was of Lithuanian descent, and around this time of year her family always had this fabulous Easter bread. I don’t know what it was called, and we’ve long since lost touch, but I think fondly of it every year and I wonder if someone can help me track down its name.

    It was a yeast bread, light and fluffy, with a strong citrus flavour and a hint of sweetness. It might have had bits of citrus peel in it? It definitely did not have raisins, saffron, icing, or poppyseeds. It was a white bread (not rye, not sourdough, etc.) I don’t know if it was Lithuanian–she was, but this could have been from anywhere. It wasn’t served in a ring, it was a loaf. This was in the Chicagoland area in the early 2000s. I would be so grateful for any suggestions!

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        No, I am Polish myself and very familiar with the many varieties of babka. It definitely was not filled or stuffed or braided like babka.

          1. Valancy Snaith*

            I wondered, but it seems like many recipes include a frosting or icing, which this definitely did not have. I wonder if it was a derivative.

            1. Princess Deviant*

              I have seen variations without icing or glazing, so it may be a Lithuanian or familial tradition? Hard to say. You could try cooking a few recipes and see if something comes close? Maybe even start your own tradition? :)

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      Sorry, I can’t help you. I also had a friend with a Lithuanian grandmother (right from the old country) who was a delight. Now I am missing her kugelis.

      I hope you can find this. If you do, please share the recipe.

    3. OyHiOh*

      Looks like you might be thinking of velykos pyragas. Yeast bread, with a flavor variation either regional or based on personal taste (citrus rather than raisins). A lot of these recipes highly specific local and regional variations that started from that one year (150 years ago) when the grocer didn’t have X so everyone in the village made the recipe with Y instead and suddenly you’ve got dozens of local variations.

      Recipe link in reply

      2. OyHiOh*

        A second thought for the possible inclusion of citrus peel/flavor in the loaf you remember: Your friend’s family potentially had some Jewish ancestry. There’s a citrus fruit (etrog/citron) that’s used for ritual practice in one of the fall holidays. The tradition was then to save and candy the peel (the fruit is inedible but the peel candies beautifully) to use in making sweets in the spring. Now, a practicing Jewish family wouldn’t be making a yeast bread for Easter/Passover because flour and yeast go into quarantine during Passover but if there had been a Jewish side of the family at some point, the substitution of citrus peel into velykos pyragas may have bled over.

        Massive idle speculation bus but it does hold with the kinds of things that consistently happen in kitchen history as families and affiliations change.

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      Maybe limpa? That’s Swedish originally, but does have orange peel. Come to think of it, it might be a rye as opposed to a white bread….

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Oh my gosh, I think that’s it! I wouldn’t be surprised if I misremembered the white/rye thing, but the flavours seem absolutely bang on. Thank you so much! I am 99% sure that’s it!

  108. Cimorene*

    Anyone have tips on getting up earlier? I cannot seem to make myself get up any earlier than i absolutely have to, that is any earlier than i have to be somewhere/do something. I’d like to get up earlier to get more done in the mornings before my kiddo gets up (especially right now while i am trying to work from home and simultaneously wrangle a toddler) but when the alarm goes off and i know i technically don’t have anything i HAVE to get up for i just hit snooze or reset my alarm. For context, this happens even when i go to bed at a decent time. i always still feel sleepy/tired and like i can need more when the alarm goes off. i have tried moving the alarm across the room, i honestly will get up and turn it off and crawl back in bed.

    1. Sara(h)*

      I’ve found free app barcode alarm to be helpful to some extent — it forces you to get up and scan a barcode you’ve pre-selected (like on your shampoo, for example, or your coffee/tea).

    2. valentine*

      i honestly will get up and turn it off and crawl back in bed.
      That is commitment. I wouldn’t fight it. What if you don’t set an alarm, let the kid wake you*, and stay up late to do stuff?

      *Can you give them a fridge bin and lower cupboard and have them help themselves until a reasonable hour?

      1. allathian*

        A toddler might be a bit too young for that! I’m glad that my 10 year old is old enough to get his own breakfast if necessary…

    3. Llama Face!*

      Oh I struggle with that too! I had gotten to the point (particularly in deep winter) where I used 3 alarms each set slightly later with the final one- with the most unpleasant sound- in a different room altogether. Even then, it only worked if I turned the light on when I got up to turn off the last one and didn’t allow myself to even sit back down on the bed.

      What helped? Getting a daylight alarm clock that slowly brightens the room for 30 min before going off.

      Also, recognising that late night just works better for me than early morn. Honestly I can sleep 11-6 or 12-7 which are both the same number of hours but if I get up at 6 I will be tired all day. So mostly I try to work with it instead of fighting it.

      2. Jonah*

        This. I have Phillips Hue bulbs in my bedroom, and I coordinated the lamp by my bed to come on slowly over ten minutes before my alarm to an almost blinding white light that keeps me from going back to sleep. Hopefully you won’t need to go so extreme, but if I sleep longer than 8 hours, I wake up with a migraine.

        1. LQ*

          I have a coordinated series of lights that do a wake up thing every morning. I would absolutely sleep all of the hours when it was dark. So I have hall lights, main bedroom lights, lights for a little like aerogarden that’s visible from bed, and lights by my tv. They all start to flip on one by one in the morning. They also flip off one by one at night to get me to go to bed. Lights and routine.

          The other thing for me was sitting down with a sleep app and realizing that if I needed 8 hours of sleep and to be up at 6 am. I HAD to get into bed at 9 pm. You can insult me all you’d like and I do not care. I need sleep and that’s how that works. 8 hours of sleep isn’t getting to bed at midnight, 8 hours of sleep isn’t “winding down” at 10 pm and getting up at 6. 8 hours of sleep is doing my utmost to be in bed by 9, asleep before 10, because I know I’m going to wake for at least a half hour, and then I get up at 6. Stop trying to be cool, LQ, and go to bed when you need to go to bed. I no longer care that my friends are up at midnight having fun. Whatever, go for it. I no longer care that other things are happening after 9 pm. Whatever. I don’t care that it makes me old or boring. I did the damn math and it says 9 pm-6 am is usually as close as I’m going to get to 8 hours, which is honestly more like 7 most nights. This was REALLY hard for me. And it still is and I still get poked about it. But honestly I’ve decided my health is more important and sleep is so critical for me.

          TLDR: Lights and math.

    4. Jdc*

      We have our lights just outside our bedroom on timers. They slowly brighten up. This helps me a lot. They make alarms that essentially do this to.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Vitamin D. Adding a Vitamin D gelcap to his daily vitamins (the 5000iu dose, which I think is the highest you can get OTC) made a HUGE difference in my husband’s ability to get out of bed in the morning.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      This could get a little involved.
      Start by figuring out what it takes to sleep well at night. For me odd stuff becomes important. I like to have things settled for the day. If my dishes aren’t done or if I need to collect things for work and don’t bother, I do not rest as well. If I can wrap up these smaller things I do sleep better.

      The next thing I’d work on is not hitting the snooze alarm. (Matter of fact, this is what I actually did do.) For me the snooze alarm became an oddly comforting habit. I was looking for that comfort of being able to hit the snooze alarm. In an odd turn, I found if I got up at the same time every single day it was easier not to hit the snooze. This meant getting up early on weekends. To give myself something, I allowed naps on the weekends. Those naps were just as comforting as hitting the snooze button.

      And the last thing I looked at was actually changing my times. I did start by going to bed a bit earlier. If I couldn’t sleep, I’d read in bed. But I had to set that time for my day to end. It took a bit to find this new rhythm. Once I set it, I have been able to keep it for several decades now. Looking back on the whole snooze alarm thing, I realized that it was just making everything too hard for me. Waaay too hard.

    7. Jules the 3rd*

      There’s tons of different things it could be. Talk through your overall health with a doctor, thinking about what could be driving it, whether this is a change, etc. You should definitely have a Dr test Vit D before you take any. Below 30, take a lot, 30 – 50 take a little, over 50, D’s not the problem. My test was 32, I take 1000 IU 2x/week and it’s enough.

      If you can’t get to a Dr, think through your overall health on your own.
      – The light alarms have no side effects, several of my friends love them, can’t hurt to try one.
      – Consider whether you might have sleep apnea. Risk factors are snoring, stuffy nose, being overweight or having a family member with apnea.
      – If your nose is stuffy or you have allergies, consider the nasal sprays. My kid’s got allergies, we use a spray 4x/week (US brands Flonase, Nasacort, lots of generics; 4x/week bcs every day for a long time has potential side effects), and I can tell whether we did the spray by how easily they wake up in the mornings.

      If it’s worse in winter, that’s a sign it might be Vit D; if it’s worse in spring, that might be allergies.

      Good luck – this is a common problem, but tricky to fix, since there’s so many possible and unrelated reasons.

    8. KoiFeeder*

      Feed the pet (works best with a cat or dog that can be given full reign of the house) immediately after waking up. You will never sleep again.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      I honestly had to have a reason to get up; I worked on all the other great items mentioned (the D, added melatonin, etc) first/ in conjunction. I struggle right now with getting to sleep (some anxiety around everything), but get out of bed.
      It isn’t just turning off the alarm. I have to have something to promise myself, a motivator.
      I don’t have kids, so YMMV. But I found that I love my cappuccinos and lattes. I got a semi- automatic coffee machine (again, no connection here) used, then moved to a new, but entry level-ish Phillips Saeco (with an easy to clean milk dispenser). (The latte-go). I can talk about that seperately in a post another time if you are interested.
      But having my morning routine – I leap out of bed, go down the hall, fire up the machine, go out and get my WSJ (I get the “local” paper on Sundays), and then come back and have a couple cups while reading… it frames my day.
      You can create whatever morning routine you want. But for me, I had to have a reason I wanted to get up. (I will add that both adding vitamin D/my vitamins, and getting my dysthymia under control, were critical steps to getting here).
      I have also, in the past, had a gratitude/journal and found that helped, as well… and probably need to start that up again.

    10. University Minion*

      Drink a ton of water before bed before the days you have to be up early. That’s what worked for me when I worked early mornings.

    11. Wishing You Well*

      Great advice above, but I’d like to add to it.
      First: Please – get enough sleep. Please get the highest quality sleep you can manage. You won’t be at your best if you’re chronically sleep-deprived. Modern medicine is just starting to recognize how important complete, quality sleep is to our lives.
      Second: If you’re not a morning person and you don’t have to get up, why get up earlier? Try to work with your natural circadian rhythms.
      Third: You have my upmost respect in working from home AND wrangling a toddler. Anything you do during this time is enough. Maybe let some things slide in this difficult time. I think you’re allowed that. You can be more productive when things are better.
      All My Best to You!

    12. LGC*

      Do you have a reason to be up? Like a yoga class, for example? I think you actually solved your own problem – “I cannot seem to make myself get up any earlier than i absolutely have to, that is any earlier than i have to be somewhere/do something.”

      Conversely…are you just not a morning person? I’m actually serious about that – like, I MUCH prefer exercising in the afternoon and evening to first thing in the morning. (I’ve actually tracked my runs. I’m often a minute slower per mile if I go at 5 AM vs. 5 PM. Or even 8 AM.) The problem is that you have a tiny human that demands a ton of attention, so you probably don’t have that much flexibility.

    13. Anonnington*

      You’ve probably thought of this, but keeping the blinds open so you get natural light at sunrise tends to help. Cracking a window and getting fresh air when you sleep helps too. Then you’ll also hear an increase in noise at dawn (birds, traffic, whichever applies). And as someone pointed out, pets can really help. Sleeping in has not been an option for me since I got my dog.

      Barring all of that, what about going to bed earlier? And getting more exercise so you’ll sleep soundly?

    14. RagingADHD*

      When things settle down, you might talk to your doctor. Feeling sleepy & unable to wake up early after a full night’s sleep is more likely a physical issue of some kind.

      Could be very minor, like low iron. Could be a problem with sleep quality, not sleeping soundly enough. Or there may be other stuff going on to cause fatigue.

      In the meantime, try some stuff to improve sleep quality:

      – Very consistent bedtime & wakeup time, allowing a good 8 hours.
      – Balanced diet including a multivitamin/mineral supplement at bedtime, that includes iron and magnesium.
      – Regular exercise no closer than 2 hours to bedtime.
      -No caffeine after noon, limited alcohol.
      – Plenty of natural light early in the morning, avoid blue light/screens within an hour of bedtime.
      – Make sure your room is cool and very dark.
      – Maybe try a weighted blanket.

    15. Lizzo*

      I’ve struggled with this quite a bit too, even with 1) no children and 2) a job that was already WFH 100% of the time. In theory, there is not much stress or upheaval in my life, but…
      I know you *want* to get up earlier and get things done, but what if you just let yourself sleep a bit late for the next couple of weeks? Your body may just need to decompress in that way.
      After a couple of weeks, try having some accountability from a friend who can give you a wakeup call or meet you for a virtual coffee date. Doesn’t have to be a long meeting…even 15 minutes will help you get up and get moving.
      Hang in there, and know that you’re not the only one struggling with this.

  109. Elizabeth West*

    Last week, I said something about my scalp hurting. It’s much better, so I guess it was just tension. It’s not the same trying to give yourself a scalp massage when washing your hair. I miss going to the salon and having someone else do it.

    I still want to try one of those shampoo brushes, though. When I’m working again, I’m also getting a facial. I need it. My skin needs it and I need the pampering, damn it.

  110. The Other Dawn*

    Any suggestions for relieving sciatica pain from sitting in a desk chair?

    I’m almost at the one-month mark after my second back surgery (six weeks since the first) and I find I have some lingering sciatic pain. I find it’s only when I sit in my home desk chair and tends to be in the left buttock and directly under it.

    I’ve been battling sciatica pain since about a week and a half after the first surgery due to all the inflammation. The first time they couldn’t give me anything other than the pain meds (it was my entire left leg from buttock to foot, pain meds just made it tolerable) since the second surgery was less than a week away. After the second surgery they gave me a steroid taper pack and that was a lifesaver, but the sciatica came back again near the end of that and they started me on gabapentin. (That time is ranged from the whole left leg, to just the buttock, to the calf and foot, and kept moving around.)

    So now I’m left with pain pretty much only when I sit in my desk chair for more than 10/15 minutes, which is annoying, but thankfully it’s nothing like what I’ve been dealing with previously. They’re starting to taper down the oxycodone this week and it makes me nervous that, in a few weeks, I’ll really have nothing left for pain relief if I need it: Tylenol is useless, as I’ve taken SO MUCH over the last three years that it doesn’t even really help a headache anymore, which means it’s not going to help nerve pain; I can’t take NSAIDs because it will slow bone growth, which I need to for the bones to fuse; and everything else is a narcotic as far as I know, which I assume they won’t give me since they’re tapering me off the oxy. The gabapentin I take isn’t fast-acting pain relief–it has to build up in the body and stay at a consistent level to work, and even with that I still get the sciatica.

    I know the obvious answer is don’t sit in my desk chair too long, but I’ll be going back to work tomorrow, 20 hours a week working from home, so I need to be able to sit and work. I’ll take breaks of course, and I have a sit/stand desk on order. Anything else I can do? Any meds other than what I mentioned above I should specifically ask the doctor about? I plan to ask anyway, but thought I’d check here since people usually have suggestions.

    (And I can’t believe I’m SIX WEEKS out from surgery already! It really has flown by.)

    1. fposte*

      Unfortunately, nothing is guaranteed, but I’d say that physical therapy is the thing to turn to now. The gabapentin is the best thing, IMHO, and maybe your dose level can be reconsidered in the future, but you’re going to be seriously deconditioned from all that led up to this, and PT will help give your back a lot more support.

      I’ll also say that nerve pain is slooooow to settle down. I think it was probably a year before I had a stable new baseline. So I understand that you’re concerned about the immediacy of work, but longer term some of these problems may start resolving on their own.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, physical therapy will be starting after my next follow-up, which is 04/28.

        I’ve heard nerve pain takes a long time to settle down. I should remember that from the tummy tuck three years ago, but I think we tend to forget how long recovery can take once it’s over and we feel “normal” again.

        They increased the gabapentin once, and then I increased it myself again. They started me on 300 mg/day and then increased it to 400 mg/day. I still had a fair amount of sciatica so I increased to 500 mg/day. From what I’m reading and talking to other people I know who take it, even 600 mg/day is considered a low dose. I seem to be doing much better with 500 mg, though it could just be a combo of the inflammation decreasing and the gabapentin increasing.

        Other than this literal PITA, I feel like I’m doing well.

    2. Catherine from Canada*

      All I can say is “Same,” and my sympathies. I’ve never been actually diagnosed with sciatica, but the symptoms match. And yeah, Tylenol is useless.
      Here’s what I’ve found helps, no particular order:
      DON’T try a yoga ball – you have to sit a bit spread legged and that makes it worse!
      Do try to adjust your chair/desk so that you are sitting really upright, knees at right angles, and legs mostly together. If you can, try tipping the seat slightly downward so that your hips are at slightly greater than right angle too. Careful of your mousing angle though, you don’t want to add carpal tunnel into the mix!
      I find if it’s getting bad, rotating my mattress helps. I guess it gets a bit saggy?
      Sit/stand is okay – I found there was a six of one and half a dozen of the other between the hip pain of sitting and the back and foot pain of standing. Your results may vary.
      Another six of one and half a dozen of the other is exercise. The hip pain is better to almost gone if I ride my bike (set up on a trainer in the winter and outside in the summer) and do various core strength exercises daily, but I have to be careful not to do too much, so just to the point of twinges and then stop.
      Last but not least is shoes. I’ve found a one inch heel is better than flats and anything higher is only good if you’re really not going to be standing much but with a sit-stand you will be, so all my pretties are just decoration in my closet.
      I don’t like meds. Can you tell?

      1. fposte*

        On the downward tilt–I’ve been doing that for so long I forgot about it. I sit on wedge cushions everywhere to get it.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks!

        No, I’d never try a yoga ball. I’ve heard that can makes things worse, so I’ve stayed away even before this surgery. And my sit/stand desk will be sitting on top of my dining room table since there’s not enough room on my home desk. Any adjustments to be made will have to be with the chair height, which I think should be sufficient. If it’s not, then I’ll have to figure out something else. Ah, the joys of WFH!

    3. Jaid*

      Stretching exercises, hot and cold treatment, some walking if you can manage it. A pool workout would be awesome, but obviously not at this time. :-(

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks!

        I’ve been using my cooling therapy machine and I think it has helped, though I find it a pain to have the fill the ice up everyday, sometimes twice per day. We’ve had to buy ice since my ice maker doesn’t make enough for that and my freezer isn’t set up for ice cube trays really.

        Physical therapy starts in a few weeks, so I plan to wait on any type of stretching and exercising until then. Although, I have to admit I’m kind of itching to do some squats. Mainly because I know I wouldn’t be bending my back (a huge no no!) and I’m basically already squatting anytime I need to pick up something I dropped (it’s amazing how many things I’m dropping post-surgery that I didn’t drop before). I have a grabber I use all the time, but there are some things I can’t pick up with that so I need to squat down.

        1. Jaid*

          Oh, no, not squats. What I have in mind and had to do would be swinging the legs out. One at a time, swing a leg out to the front, to the side, and to the back, ten reps. Then put your hands on your hips and while standing with legs apart, gently arch your back for about a minute. End with placing your palms against the wall and standing on your toes, ten reps. You wouldn’t be bending forward, just bending backward. *

          *I also would lie down on my belly then use my arms to arch my back (think snake pose). This might be too advanced for you now, though.

          You might want to look into a prescription for medical marijuana. My friend has incredible pain and has been on Percs for the longest time. Now she makes “special” tea and her pain levels have gone significantly down and she can sleep through the night.

          I wish you well.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            “You might want to look into a prescription for medical marijuana.”

            I already have one. :) Trouble is I haven’t yet found something that relieves the pain during the day and also allows me to not feel high. I have 1:1 ratio CBD/THC edibles and I use those at night. I’d love to find something for the daytime that allows me to feel mostly clear-headed, but I just haven’t.

    4. The Francher Kid*

      There’s a YouTube channel Bob & Brad, two physical therapists. Once you find their channel, type sciatica into the search box and it will bring up stretches, gentle exercises, suggested sleeping positions, how to sit, etc. I’ve used their videos for shoulder pain and for strengthening exercises for wrists and ankles and it’s helped me. I’ve had sciatica before and it just makes my whole body hurt. I hope you get some relief soon!

  111. Rebecca*

    Greetings from Central PA. COVID-19 has entered my county, and I knew it would, and 2 cases are right here in my little village. I’m doing everything I can to stay safe, and to try to keep my uncooperative mother safe, but I’ve lost the battle. She insists on driving to the post office (it’s less than 1/2 mile away), there’s no reason to other than she wants to get out and about. Bare hands, touches things, etc. And on Tuesday March 31, exactly the 14th day of me working from the basement, and 14 days away from all my coworkers, she had the cleaning person stop by for the normal 2 hour biweekly cleaning. This person cleans 3 other homes in the village. I nearly lost it, and when I tried to reason with my mother as to why this was an insanely bad idea, she said “they” aren’t going to tell her she can’t have a clean house, and that she and the cleaning person were “taking precautions”. Oh, but our food storage containers are now organized (cleaning person took them out, matched up lids, etc with her bare hands). I must have missed the whole “organized food storage container” edict from the CDC. I also found out 2 days ago that my mother has a box of surgical masks. This, after I’ve fashioned impromptu masks from what I can find. She never even offered one to me to wear over or under my homemade mask when I go to the store to pick up her prescriptions and grocery items. I have never known anyone as selfish and self centered as she is. Honestly I am so fed up with her I could spit nails.

    I’m just glad I live in a rural area so I can go outside and walk around without fear. I’ll be so grateful when all of this is over, everything we do now seems to have layers and layers of extra thought process and it’s exhausting.

    I did finally see a bear on my game cam, what a hoot, at one point I was going through the pictures and all of a sudden, there were just black photos one right after the other. Then, finally a bit of something, then the bear’s butt. Apparently he or she was either right next to or leaning on the camera!! Got some nice shots, no yellow tags in either ear, so at least they haven’t been tagged and moved before. I also seem to have acquired a raven, and the fox was back. The raccoons are entertaining as well. So far so good with the bird feeder and suet cake cage up on the flag pole.

    Our feed mill has gone to no contact interaction. So, you call in your order and get the total ahead of time (then write a check or put money in an envelope), then drive to the mill. Pull truck up to the front door, tell them which order is yours, they toss everything in the back, well, not eggs, they will hand those in the window, you pay, and you leave. No more going in and looking at the chalk board, though. I think I might suggest they put a photo of the chalk board on their Facebook page to make it easier to remember what they have. They wear red bandanas like the old west. It works. And I’m happy they are still open, gives some sense of normalcy.

    So here we are, Easter Sunday, and I’m doing laundry and going to pick up homemade peanut butter eggs from my daughter’s friend nearby. She makes candy, they’ve all been sequestered in their home (daughter’s friend is health compromised), so I’m going to pick up the eggs from their porch and leave money under the mat for no contact delivery. And since gas is under $2 per gallon, will top off the tank on the way back. I haven’t driven more than 100 miles since this started, and many of those were on back dirt roads here.

    Hope everyone is OK. I’ve started to think more toward “After the Virus” or ATV, and what I want to do then, rather than focusing on the every day stress this causes. It really helps.

    1. nep*

      Can’t believe your mom had the cleaning person come over, just like any other time. Hope all works out OK and you all stay healthy.
      I’m definitely going to fill up the tanks in both family cars.
      I have a reallllllly tough time envisioning ATV.

      1. Rebecca*

        I think she bought them when Dad had his hip replaced, as we had to do wound care for him at the house, and plus she thinks she’s allergic to a lot of things (she’s not) and she said she likes to wear them when she goes outside to pull weeds. My brain has been so busy just trying to get through every day, I didn’t even remember she had them, she showed me the box 2 days ago and said, oh, I have these, so I can use them now if I go outside. Seriously. Not one thought to whether I might need one. I didn’t even ask for one, forget it. She said a few weeks ago that she didn’t care if she caught the virus, or even if she died from it, she was going to what she wanted. Again, total disregard for others! She never thought that maybe I wouldn’t want to catch it or possibly die from it!!

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          I can’t even think what to say here – your mom is, well, holding true to form. No consolation there. I hope you have lovely day, that you can get outside (the weather/sun / walking is the one restorative I’ve found).

          Sending you a virtual hug. You are a survivor. And the “ATV” thought is one I will have to start thinking about now -thank you!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I saw this crap with my mother, different version, same idea. I have learned to think of it as a “watching a mind unravel”. This is what unraveling looks like, the person is absolutely convinced that this behavior is okay and there is no reasoning with them. Their self-focus is sky high and their lack of consideration for others is lower than the bottom of the ocean.

          At first she only did it with me. She was quite normal with others. It was a game. But it was also a slippery slope. After a bit it no longer was a game, it was a way of life. She could not cover up any more and her real self showed to everyone. By then I was pretty much gutted by all the bs. I kept going back to square one, if a parent thinks it’s okay to do this to their own kid then something is hugely wrong somewhere. Later her life fell apart in a spectacular manner.

          So you are entirely correct. She is not concerned in the least that you could get the virus. And she is not concerned that you do most of her care-giving because she “knows” she can take care of herself so it does not matter what happens to you. And it’s probably irrelevant to her that you are her daughter. I’ve seen this one. Cold, really cold. Icebergs are warmer, honestly. Her sense of good judgement is packing its bags in prep to leave. At some point she will become a danger to her own self and that will be apparent to health care people.

          You are right on target here. Do what you can to keep you safe.

          1. Livid Anon from Last Week*

            Did we grow up with the same mother?
            (Had to report my mom for refusing her boss’ order to self-quarantine post-travel then she refused. Oh, then a nurse kept, understandably, telling her to get tested, then my mom got the nurse in trouble claiming the nurse was harassing her(??!) Now the nurse is in trouble. Insane what depths these people stoop to.

    3. Nervous Nellie*

      Oh, Rebecca, my goodness. I am sorry for your village, but so glad that you still have bear sightings & handmade sweets. Your Mum, I swear. There are no adequate words for her. Hang in there, and yes, think about the future! The Before Time is over, and the daily present is really tough.

      As for critters, I can offer two. In my big suburban apartment courtyard we have a fountain that runs daily from the late morning until sunset. In the last couple of days, our annual visitors, Lord & Lady Duck, have returned to paddle peacefully around in the fountain in the early morning. Just seeing them feels so utterly NORMAL and peaceful. It gives me hope that the world will keep spinning. :)

    4. Wishing You Well*

      As for your mom: …wow…I am sorry.
      As for the bear: I can imagine it was scratching its backside on your camera!
      As for ATV: I’m making a list, too.
      Best Wishes. Stay well.

  112. Lyme?*

    Anyone know anything about lyme?

    I had it 25 years ago, had antibiotics, was told it was resolved, had no indications it wasn’t.

    I just had bloodwork done and a blot was done (no idea why it was ordered, I need to ask my doc) and got an ambiguous result. Back when I got lyme 25 years ago, I was told that having it once meant that I would always test positive, but then later on I was told the tests were better, so that I wouldn’t test positive unless I had it again.

    Anyone know what I should be asking my doctor at this point? Googling hasn’t been very helpful.

    1. Jdc*

      I was under the impression you always test positive but your levels are a factor. You may need antibiotics again at some point on and off to keep the levels down.

      1. Book Lover*

        That is not correct, Jdc, unless the physician is practicing alternative medicine. This is unfortunately a controversial topic so the only thing I will suggest is that Lyme? talk to their pcp and if uncomfortable request an infectious disease consultation with a reputable specialist.
        I will add that most reputable specialists are currently quite busy right now and to please drop this for several months after checking back in with pcp.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Chronic Lyme Syndrome, which is controversial at best, is (probably) an autoimmune disorder rather than a bacterial disorder. Antibiotics would only achieve a placebo result, because the bacteria is dead.

      3. Jdc*

        So it’s not correct but if you find another doctor it is. I’ve been there and I’m speaking from my experience.

    2. Penguin*

      I can’t speak to the medical details, but my understanding (as an outdoorsy person) is that once caught, Lyme disease never actually leaves you and the symptoms can disappear and reappear throughout your life (hence why it’s so much better to prevent it).

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That’s what we are seeing here. People get infected and reinfected, on and on. I would guess that more than half the people I know here are battling lyme. Each time through seems to be a little worse than the last time. If you work outside here there is really no escaping it, eventually you will probably get it.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      Lyme disease is really weird and messy. The tests, as a general rule, are going to be testing for antibodies. Antibodies just signal that you’ve been exposed and your immune system has fought the bacteria. I have heard about tests that look for the presence of the bacteria instead of the antibodies, but I’ve also heard that they’re not very accurate.

      I’d definitely ask why the blot was done. If you’re not having Lyme symptoms or autoimmune symptoms, it’s weird that the test was done. If you are having autoimmune symptoms, the doctor may be considering a diagnosis of Chronic Lyme Syndrome, which is a weird and complex beast.

      1. Lyme?*

        Thanks – I am very confused as to why the test was ordered, so I will definitely be asking about that. For context, I’m having a number of severe neurological and cognitive symptoms, but following head trauma in the last four weeks.

        This was part of a lot of blood work ordered by my neurologist.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Oh, that’s why! Untreated Lyme can cause cognitive/neurological symptoms. But if there’s head trauma, it’s more likely that than Lyme.

  113. Chocolate Teapot*

    Just found out that Tim Brooke-Taylor has died, due to Coronavirus. I always liked The Goodies and I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue is exactly the programme you should be listening to at this time.

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      Noooo! I loved The Goodies. Such happy fun. He was such a sparkling, cheery man. What a loss.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, no! I’m heartbroken. I’ve been worrying about Barry Cryer for some time now and then Graeme, but Tim always seemed so well. Oh, this is sad.

    3. Honoria*

      Oh no! I loved the Goodies so much. I still remember every word of “The Song of the Jolly Rock Lighthouse”

  114. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Three times this week I’ve had these very bittersweet dreams.

    First it was…I walked in to work like everything was normal. I woke up missing my old life, going in to work, having a job, seeing people. In the dream I walked out of work and ran in to my late father on the street and we talked and interacted like nothing had happened. There was nothing in the dream that indicated he’d died.

    Last night I dreamt that he was around, and his death was just temporary, like being sick. What an amazing concept, that someone can die and just come back.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I just realized that today is Easter Sunday. How appropriate. Happy Easter to those that celebrate.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Happy Easter!

        Sometimes I dream that my late husband is going to mow the lawn for me. Usually I dream this after I JUST mowed it. sigh. He needs to start earlier. lol.

        I did dream of my father after he died. Boy, did he look better. I still easily recognized him but I could clearly see that he was no longer chained to the sadnesses he carried in life. It was beautiful to see.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      It’s possible you have always had these dreams, but now you’re remembering them more. InStyle magazine had an article about the current crisis causing people to remember dreams more strongly. (Thank you, Mozilla GetPocket!) Apparently, the same thing happened to people who were impacted by Hurricane Katrina.

      I know I have had some weird dreams lately about being in rooms where the center of the floor is missing, and everyone is huddled around the edge of the room. Weird.

      I hope you found some comfort from your dream.

      1. Actual Vampire*

        I have been having really complicated, detailed, vivid dreams lately. It’s not super surprising, because I tend to have very complex dreams when I don’t have much going on in my life – it’s like my brain needs to have a certain number of complicated experiences per day, and if I don’t have them while I’m awake, I have to make up for it when I’m asleep. It has been a bit frustrating because I’m working on my thesis right now (in architectural design) and it drives me insane that I walk through these incredible fantasy worlds my brain creates on the fly every night, and then I can’t think of anything to design when I’m awake!

        But yes – I agree visits from lost loved ones in dreams can be comfortable, or disturbing. I hope your dreams have been comforting, Potatoes!

        1. allathian*

          Yes, this. I certainly did. I don’t usually remember my dreams, unless I wake up in the middle of one. But I still remember snatches of a few very psychedelic dreams I had when I was pregnant.

      3. Ingeborg*

        What a interesting dream. Very symbolic. The bottom fell out of the world and everybody is scrambling to cope. I apologise if making a interpretation of your dream is rude.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’ve come to treasure the dreams where I see my loved ones who’ve died. It is bittersweet, but to me it feels like a visit. My first husband died fifteen years ago. I still dream of him sometimes, just a nice little interaction or his particular smile.

  115. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Does anyone have an Aerogarden? I’ve bought one but am now having second thoughts and thinking it might be fun for three months and then sit unused, and am leaning toward returning. I’ve read that the thing I most want to grow in it — cilantro — is hard to keep alive in it. Beyond that, I’m interested in growing jalapeños, cherry tomatoes, and maybe lettuce. Worth it?

    1. GoryDetails*

      I *love* my Aerogarden, but I mainly use it for lettuces – easy, quick, and so lovely to have regularly-available and perfectly-clean lettuce leaves, for single-use in sandwiches or snacks or to harvest a salad’s worth. A friend of mine keeps several of them going at once, for lettuces and various herbs, though I don’t recall her mentioning any problems with cilantro. (Basil does very well in Aerogardens, fwiw! I’ve put in a single plug of basil along with several varieties of lettuce, for a nice mix of greens-plus-herb.)

      I did try the tomatoes once and they worked just fine, but it’s a significant investment in time for a relatively small harvest; I didn’t find it worthwhile, personally.

      As for cilantro in general: I’ve bought the potted herbs at supermarkets sometimes, and managed to keep them alive for quite some time, but with most of them and ESPECIALLY with cilantro, you have to watch out for it bolting. If you keep it trimmed it should produce leaves for longer, though eventually the herbs (and the lettuces) will start to bolt, getting leggy and bitter. Then it’s time to compost them and start a new batch.

      One other thing I love about my Aerogarden: it makes a very nice spot of bright light in a gloomy kitchen corner, especially welcome in winter. In summer I have enough garden space to put most things outside, and I don’t need the splash of light as much, but in dark months it’s a real mood-enhancer.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Just to add: I do sometimes use it in summer anyway, especially the very hot months, as lettuce doesn’t do as well in the heat. And it’s nice to have clean and bug-free lettuces on hand then too, even if I’ve got some out in the garden.

      2. Jedi Squirrel*

        I’ve grown cilantro in the garden and it does bolt very quickly. My solution was to plant a little bit every week.

        But because it goes to seed so quickly, I always had seeds for next year, plus lots of coriander seed, which I use in pickles. For me, it was a win-win.

        I miss gardening, and our state just closed down all the garden centers. I might buy an Aerogarden. Just having fresh lettuce and basil all the time would be amazing.

      3. Red Sky*

        I really like the idea of these, but are you stuck buying their seed pods and plant food?

        1. GoryDetails*

          You do have to use the right sized pods, but there are kits that let you add your own seeds; once you have the basics (the plastic pods, the peat-foam inserts, the plant food) you can seed them yourself, which saves a good bit over the pre-packaged kits. [The plant food is available in a larger size than comes with the pre-seeded kits, at a lower price per use.]

          The older models also required periodic cleaning or replacement of filters and light bulbs, but the newer ones use LED lights and a much simpler pump system, with reduced maintenance across the board.

    2. saje*

      That looks really neat! My concern would be the cats – I don’t know where I’d put it to keep the cats from helping themselves. I love houseplants but there are only a couple I can keep that the cats won’t eat – sigh. With 11 in the house there’s always somecat who finds thigs tasty!

    3. WellRed*

      Give it a whirl! You don’t know until you try it. Also, some places aren’t accepting returns.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      It looks like hydroponics for home owners. Kinda neat actually. I assume there is a periodic cleaning procedure for the tank.
      I think you should go for it. From what I know about hydroponics you can grow a lot in a little space. That is one of the big talking points. It’s probably worth it. I suspect one can recoup their start up costs by having repeated plantings. This could be especially nice in winter when veggies get spendy.
      And you could post pics here as the plants progress along…. I’d be interested in seeing this, probably others would too.

    6. Impska*

      Mine sits in my storage room. Haven’t used it in years. I kind of mean to. But then don’t.

  116. Spessartine*

    I’ve always hated my first name, and now that I’m moving to a new state and a new job, I’m wondering if this is the perfect time to start going by something else. The only problem is, I can’t figure out what to change to! I’ve never found another name that felt “right”, I just know I despise the one I have. Even scouring baby name sites hasn’t turned anything up. I’ve liked the name Tanith for years, but I’m not sure I have the confidence to go by something unusual/nontraditional.

    Does anyone here have experience with something like this? How did you find the right name?

    1. Actual Vampire*

      I don’t really have anything helpful to tell you, just wanted to say: same. I don’t love my first name. I also, somehow, have never learned to pronounce my own name correctly (!!!) which always leads to confusion when I’m introducing myself to people. I have considered going by a nickname or just changing to a different spelling that aligns more with how I pronounce it. But, same as you, I haven’t found a great choice for a new name that feels more “me” than my current name. Plus, if I changed my name, I know I’d never hear the end of it from my mom…

      1. Spessartine*

        Wow, I guess I’ve lucked out on the pronunciation front–my name has three different common pronunciations, plus a common nickname I also can’t stand, and thankfully no one has ever used the wrong ones. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. But I can definitely sympathize on the parental front. I doubt my parents would use a different name if I picked one, and if they did, it wouldn’t be without derision. I think even my sister would be weirded out, and we’re pretty close…

    2. LNLN*

      When I got married 40 years ago, I went from my First Name + Family Last Name to my Middle Name + Husband’s Last Name. Things I liked about both name combinations was that they were alliterative. Thing I did not like about First Name + Husband’s Last Name was that they make people think of a Beatles’ song (judging from the humming when people see that name combination on my paperwork). So, take your last name into consideration when choosing new first name. Also, consider choosing a new first name that has several common nicknames (Elizabeth to Liz, Beth, Betty, Betsy, etc., or Michael to Mike, Mickey, etc.). It gives you more leeway in future. Good luck!

      1. Spessartine*

        Thanks, potential nicknames are a good thing to keep in mind! I actually like my last name and it sounds pretty good in most combos, aside from always getting mispronounced, so at least I have that.

    3. Jonah*

      I legally changed my first and middle names around ten years ago, and it took about a year before I found one I liked. Like you, I tried baby name sites and countless other options. I finally decided that I’d know when it came to me, and I stopped worrying about it. From there, it only took a week or two before I figured it out. I heard my first name in an episode of Torchwood, of all places. A kid named Jonah gets his face melted off in the time rift or whatever. As soon as I heard the name, I knew that was it, and the middle name just came to me within a couple days.

      1. Spessartine*

        I’m glad you were able to find your name so serendipitously. I do consume a lot of books and TV/movies, so maybe I’ll have the same luck.

    4. Not A Manager*

      You know what? If you like Tanith, go with Tanith. It’s unusual/nontraditional for about 3 seconds, but it’s certainly not going to do you damage (in my opinion). I think the key is to be comfortable enough with it yourself that when you introduce yourself, it’s No Big Deal and obviously just your name.

      Maybe before your move, you could enlist people in your current life to call you Tanith/you could use that name yourself, just to get used to it.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        In normal circumstances the recommendation is to use it at Starbucks for a while, to see how you feel answering to it. A shame that option isn’t currently available.

        When I started at university, I stopped using my given name and introduced myself with an unusual derivative of it – imagine an Amy using Mimi. For four years *everybody* called me Mimi, and all the people who met me in that period still do, including my spouse and inlaws. It was mildly odd for a bit, but it was the name of the person I was choosing to be, which was liberating. Sometimes people got confused and assumed I was actually a Miriam or something, but who cares?

        And then I started my big new job and didn’t want to go into the complications of it all, so anyone who knows me professionally or through my children knows me as Amy. Going back was almost weirder, but I happily answer to either now.

        Which is to say, you can change back, because names aren’t a permanent decision – and that might make it feel less intimidating. Meanwhile your new employer may be happy to accommodate a “known as” name which bears no relation to the name on your passport/SSN so you can try it out before you hard commit.

        Is Tanith a Cornish name? It’s giving me Celtic vibes.

        1. Spessartine*

          Thanks for sharing your experience, and for pointing out that it isn’t a permanent decision. That does help lessen the worry. I also know a few people who go by names other than their legal ones, one of which was even less a conventional name than Tanith, and as far as I know it never gave anyone pause. I’m probably overthinking things (my specialty).

          According to what I can find on baby name sites, Tanith has Semitic or Greek roots and was a Phoenician goddess sometimes associated with snakes. (I love snakes, which is purely incidental.) Interestingly, there is an author named Tanith Lee who wrote sci-fi and fantasy and I *also* write sci-fi and fantasy. However I must confess my first exposure to the name was through the show Stargate SG-1, and at the time I had quite the crush on Peter Wingfield who played said character. That was quite a while ago…I’m not sure how much of an impact it had on my affinity for the name!

      2. Spessartine*

        Hey thanks, I appreciate the vote of confidence in the name. Weirdly, I feel almost…embarrassed? about not liking my name. I think I’m looking at my cross-country move as the perfect opportunity because then I don’t *have* to tell my friends and family here to call me something different. My friends would be supportive, even if they don’t really understand, but the thought of raising the subject just makes me self-conscious for some reason. Dang anxiety. Like General von Klinkerhoffen said below, it’s a shame I can’t try it out at Starbucks right now!

    5. What is in a name?*

      I think starting a new job is the most absolutely perfect time to start using a new name.

      I have changed my name twice in my life!! I essentially used a nickname throughout college to the point where no one even knew my real name at all, and then after college, at my first “real” job, I went back to using a middle name that I always preferred over my first name. Like you, I never liked my first name. In fact I detested it.

      What I’ve come to realize about changing a name is that its really not that big of a deal! You will still be you. Of course if you go through all the legal changes, that makes it more complex.. but a name is just a word other people call you and you write a lot …. so make sure its something you really like the sound and look of. I love the look and sound of my name now, so I find it a pleasing aspect of my life.

      You may encounter odd attitudes from people who have known you a long time, so be prepared for that.
      Have fun with it!!

      1. Spessartine*

        Thank you! I appreciate your insights and the reminder that it is just a name, after all. At this point I’m not thinking about legal changes, though I do very much like the thought of using my “new” name as a pen name if/when I ever get a book published.

    6. Aphrodite*

      I don’t know if you’ll see this as its around 5:00 (EST) on Sunday but back in 1989 I legally changed my entire name, first, middle and last. I had been in therapy for a while and while I had never liked my name I hadn’t thought to see if there was anything I could do about it either.

      But I suddenly had the urge. I didn’t discuss it with anyone but I did buy two books, the Nolo Press book on how to change your name and a book of baby names with their original meanings. I looked through every single female name in that book and wrote down the ones that appealed to me, about two dozen of them. Over the next couple of weeks I narrowed the choices down until I was left with about four or five for the first name and three for the middle name. I had already decided on my new last name.

      Because I am of Irish and Scottish heritage I chose “Tara” (rather than the Greek “Amara”) for my middle name and debated for a long time between Jacqueline and Lauren for the first. I loved the strength of both. I didn’t want to have known anyone who had those names as I wanted to create a new identity for the name. The one I chose has a now-dead but still popular movie star history but I honestly had never remembered her during this time. (In fact, it wasn’t until the deed was done and legally approved that someone reminded me of her. I was actually pleased as she was a very strong person in her own right.)

      So I would say narrow it down in stages. When you get near the end, when you have only a few names, then let your process sit and simmer. If one is right you will feel it. Don’t try to push it or rush it. It will come to you.

      Best of luck. I love my self-given name!

      1. Spessartine*

        Thanks so much for sharing your story. Funny coincidence, I was born in 1989! I love the names you narrowed it down to. I especially like “Tara” and would have considered it if I didn’t have a cousin with the same name. Oddly, I haven’t sat down and made a list of all the names I find appealing–I think “Tanith” is the one that really draws me, but I feel less confident because it’s nontraditional and I don’t like drawing attention. But I’ll definitely give the list a go. There are so many great names out there, I’m sure I can find several more to consider.

    7. Anono-me*

      I think you’ll find it easiest to have other people use the name that suits you best if you can make the change when you change your environment. People have trouble learning names, and then they have more trouble unlearning and relearning them. (Years later I still get new stuff under my maiden name at work.)

      Tanith is unusual, but not unheard of. (And pretty) I think you would probably be the only Tanith most people knew, but it wouldn’t be a name that they had never heard of on the news or in literature. If your only reason for hesitation truly is that you think people might have trouble with how unique it is, please go for it. However, if it is just the closest thing you have found so far and it’s not quite right, please keep looking. You deserve a name that suits you.

      If you are going to keep looking for a name that suits you best, here are a few thoughts to consider:

      1. You mentioned looking at traditionally female names. Have you considered looking at ‘male’ names? That difference is becoming more and more blurred each day.

      2. Have you considered a nickname type name change? As in “Hi my name is Spes Sartine, but my friends call me “Spike”.” That way you can pick any word that suits you without stepping to far outside of what is traditional, And that way you don’t have to do the name change paperwork.

      3. You could post next week and ask for name ideas. There’s lots of really smart kind people that post here with a great deal of creativity and a really broad background of knowledge . I bet you would get some really good ideas and starting points (Especially if you give people the criteria and reasons why Tanith does appeal to you and what your reservations are.)

      1. Spessartine*

        I figured the same thing re: changing name with changing environment. I guess it feels a little like a clean slate? I’m not sure how much of my hesitation with Tanith is fear of reactions (I chronically worry too much what other people think/have low self-confidence) and how much, if any, is that it’s not quite right. I’m moving quite soon, but with so much being locked down I’ll probably have a lot of time to think about it and look at different names before I meet new people.

        1. I’ve thought about some unisex names (Jordan, Morgan, and Tegan in particular) but not any traditionally male names. I like the idea, though, and it certainly expands the search pool.

        2. I like this idea too! There’s an internet handle I go by on a lot of sites that’s very short and feels very “me”. It’s not a “real” name but I could definitely see introducing myself with it as a “friends call me…” kind of nickname.

        3. I will definitely do this if I have time during the move. I got so many responses to this post I’m sort of overwhelmed–I wasn’t expecting so much! I’ve mostly been a lurker and to have that many people take the time to help me and be supportive is so encouraging. Thank you, I very much appreciate it.

  117. TimeCat*

    Just a rant. I am horribly sick this weekend from tonsillitis (no cough so I don’t think it’s coronavirus) I talked to a family member doctor who thinks it isn’t strep based on presentation. So I just have to ride it out. Thanks, universe. As if I wasn’t overwhelmed enough trying to both work and care for my kid (husband is doing it but he has to work tomorrow).

  118. Be the Change*

    I turned 50 a few weeks ago, and oh my goodness, ALL my joints suddenly hurt. My shoulders especially are jacked up, my left is crackling like popcorn. Hands are stiff. Gee. Makes me concerned for the upcoming years!!

    2. Lemon Hurl*

      Wait until you turn 60! I’m constantly in the breakdown lane calling AAA for help.

      The fun part is unknowing that you need to stay employed until you can get Medicare at 65, or be so broke you can get Medicaid, or purchase private insurance for $2-3K per month if you lose your job.

      I like Biden’s proposal to lower the Medicare age to 60.

      Now back to happy thoughts!

    3. WellRed*

      Turned 50 in December. Whenever I need to squat to get something from lower cabinet or under bed, I pause to gear myself up for straightening back up.

    4. Sore Joints*

      Not sure if you are female or not but estrogen has anti-inflammatory properties and so when it declines, there can be an increase in osteoarthritis pain and general stiffness (which also stems from inflammation).

        1. Not A Manager*

          I know this is controversial, but I had really horrid symptoms post-menopause, and HRT is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My primary symptoms subsided almost immediately, but in addition, other quality-of-life issues that I hadn’t even noticed (or hadn’t connected with menopause) also resolved.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            Seriously, science is pretty neat and has figured out a fix or two for creaky old bones and joints. there’s nothing noble about hobbling around in pain because iT’s nAtuRaL.

          2. KoiFeeder*

            To be totally honest, given my health issues, I don’t even know if I’m producing any estrogen now! So “official” menopause might change nothing. But HRT isn’t in the cards for me, even post-mastectomy. Family history of estrogen-receptive cancers makes me really leery about adding any estrogen.

      2. Be the Change*

        Oh man, that makes way too much sense. Yes, female, and a couple of months before the birthday my doc suggested with some asperity that it was time to drop HBC. Obviously I can’t see her any time soon, either, to think about HRT.

        Maybe a non-inflammatory diet would help… dammit.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Yes, menopause symptoms hit me like a ton of bricks traveling on a fast train the minute I stopped HBC.

    5. nep*

      53 here. When I’m moving on a regular basis–especially lifting weights and doing things that strengthen my core–the better off I am. That and water…and sleep. (Working on the sleep thing–my sleep has been rubbish lately.)
      All the best in your 50s.

  119. Anonnington*

    So my bath tub is suddenly, mysteriously clogged. In NYC, under lockdown. It drained fine the last time I took a bath. I then cleaned it and when I tried to rinse the bleach out, it wouldn’t drain at all. It’s completely blocked.

    I emptied it, then tried pouring boiling water down the drain in case it was congealed bath oil. No luck. So I ordered a plumbing snake. I’m holding off on telling the landlord. I don’t know how seriously he takes the situation here. I’m not eager to have someone come over. I’m determined to fix it myself if at all possible.

    The plumbing snake is due to arrive on Thursday. So now I have to decide if I want to shower and empty the tub by hand again or just not bathe. Hooray.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Maybe sponge bath at the sink until your plumbing snake arrives?
      I hope it’s fixed soon.

      1. valentine*

        Yes to a sponge bath, if you feel bad waiting.

        I’d use Liquid-Plumr if that would arrive sooner.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      If it’s a hair clog, those can build up and then suddenly jam up the works. Once you get it unclogged, I recommend the OXO Good Grips Silicone Drain Protector. It’s big enough to fit over a pop-up tub drain as well as a regular one and catches tons of hair. It also has a weight on top so it won’t float around when you’re showering. You can get it for around $8 at Target. Take it from a person who sheds an entire Cousin It every time she washes her hair: that thing is a lifesaver.

    3. Anono-me*

      Until you have a good solution; Can you get a high end fish tank siphon hose(the kind with a small squeeze pump to start the suction)? That way you can empty the bathtub into the toilet using the hose.

      You could use a regular length of Hose too, but I don’t know how you would start the suction.

      1. Anonnington*

        Yeah . . . You see, I could siphon it the old fashioned way (by putting any kind of tube in there and sucking on the other end briefly to start the flow). But so far, the chance of accidentally ingesting dirty, bleach-infused water seems worse than not bathing.

        I could get a siphon that starts mechanically. But that would be another thing to order online. And maybe I can unclog it.

        I read that if the drain goes from normal to completely blocked all of a sudden, it’s usually a hard object that wound up there somehow, in which case using something like Draino would just cause more problems. Plus I don’t know how Draino would interact with the bleach.

        But the mechanical siphon is a good suggestion. I’ll look it up.

        1. Anono-me*

          Yes, I figured the old fashion pretend it’s a straw starting the section was off the table. Because of the icky water and where the emptying end is going to go.

          I was thinking more along the lines of: it might be worth reaching out to friends who walk nearby and has/had fish tanks. (After the first accident, almost everyone I know who has a fish tank switches to the more expensive siphon vacuum with the hand pump.)

          1. Anonnington*

            I just looked up fish tank siphons online! I’ll order one if I can’t unclog it soon.

            I don’t have any friends who walk nearby, necessarily . . . I’m friendly with the neighbors, but we don’t know each other well and I don’t know if any of them have fish. But I’ll ask around.

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          If the water is too gross to risk getting in your mouth, but not too gross to touch with your hands, you can also get a siphon going by holding the entire tube underwater in such a way that it fills with water, then putting your thumb over one end to seal it while you take that end out and get it lower than the other end. When you remove your thumb, the water will drain out and start the siphon. I once had a dishwasher that stopped draining, and I used this method several times before giving up and doing dishes by hand. (I didn’t want to call maintenance until the apartment was cleaner, and then I just decided that I didn’t care enough to deal with it because I was moving fairly soon.) You can even prefill the tube from a sink and insert it in the bathwater after if that seems easier – water doesn’t care if the water in the tube came from a different place than the water surrounding the tube that you’re draining.

          Disclaimer: I find siphons kind of cool and satisfying to set up, so I may be mis-remembering just how obnoxious this is to actually do.

          1. Arnon*

            I was going to say this too! I will add that this is easier with fairly narrow tube made of a flexible material. If it’s too large and stiff, it’s hard to get the pressure right with your hand. Something to hold one end down in the tub also helps because it’s aggravating to have to restart a siphon like this because the intake end is popping out of the water.

      1. it happens*

        Yup. Try this first. My shower drain clogs every few years, I plunge it and then pull up the cap to get rid of the accumulated hair and shampoo residue. It is disgusting. Yes, I should do it before there’s a problem.

    5. SpellingBee*

      I don’t know from what you wrote what your living situation is, but since you mentioned NYC and a landlord I’m guessing that you may live in an apartment. If so, and if you’re not on the ground floor, the clog may very well be farther down the line than your particular unit. Maybe ask downstairs neighbors if they’re having issues as well, and if so you should probably call the landlord. Also seconding WellRed’s suggestion of a plunger – I’ve unclogged sinks that way before. They do make small ones that are easier to use in a sink or tub, but a regular toilet-sized one will work also. Definitely do be very careful what you put down the drain right now, as bleach will react with quite an amazing number of things with nasty results.

      1. Anonnington*

        Yes! I’m being careful. There is an unoccupied unit downstairs and an occupied one upstairs. That’s all. The two sinks in my apartment are draining normally. I probably will have to call the landlord. I’m just hoping he doesn’t have to send a plumber over, considering all of the unknowns that would involve right now.

    6. Pennyworth*

      If you want to try to remove a hair block use a bit of wire with some little twists or kinks in it, push into the drain and twist for a while then pull back up. I was amazed at the amount of hair I dragged out last time, in a big lump. Now I use drain protectors to catch the hair.

    7. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I usually try dish soap to clear drains as a first attempt, but that may not be safe in your case because of the bleach. I squirt some blue dawn down my bathroom sink, let it sit for a while, and then run a bunch of water down it whenever it seems slow to drain, and it usually clears things up.

      1. Anonnington*

        That’s a good idea. I might try that after plunging. I did wipe down the tub, so most of the bleach is gone.

    8. Anonnington*

      So I have an update. I finally texted the landlord. After unpacking my shiny new plumbing snake and finding out that something solid was blocking the drain about two feet down the pipe.

      The landlord pointed out that there’s a device next to the bath tub, nearly hidden from view, that closes the drain. A long cylinder sticking out of the floor. Apparently I bumped against it while cleaning the tub, causing it to switch from open to closed.

      Easy to fix. Funny that I spent a week without bathing, struggling with grimy bleach-water for no reason. Ah, old houses . . .

  120. Me--just waiting for my visit from 'Rona D:*

    A sibling broke quarantine to come over and visit Parent. He thinks he had it in February. His symptoms were consistent with it, although he was tested recently and it came back negative.

    Apparently, Parent did too, around the same time. She claims the loss of smell and taste and spiked a fever, but at the time, she was also dealing with an injury and only complained of hurting a lot. No coughing, nothing. I wasn’t helping her with intimate care, but we hugged and were right up in each other’s faces!

    She said NOTHING until just now. I wonder if maybe she didn’t have it but is thinking she did. And there was so little information about symptoms at the time—everyone thought if you got it, there were three symptoms and then you died. Isn’t someone whose immune system is a pile of crap almost guaranteed hospitalization? And she’s normally exhausted, so how would she know????

    So I guess I’ve been exposed? Or have I? F*ck!

    There’s no way to know for sure if they had it, since we can’t get antibody tests yet. I haven’t gotten sick, although I did have an inexplicable stomachache for about three days around that time. I just thought it was just from something she’d cooked that didn’t agree with me.

    If Parent didn’t have it, that means she can still get it. Since we don’t know if there is any immunity or how long it will last, if Sibling had it, he could get it again. Yes, I sort of yelled at him, but there wasn’t much else I could do; he was already in the house. I’m not angry at him—he knows he wasn’t supposed to be here, but if they both had it, then I’m the one at risk. If I had it too, or blew it off, no harm was done. It’s just the principle of the thing. We just. don’t. know.

    And here I’ve been so careful to protect her, and she didn’t even say anything, damn it. Guess I can go out and lick a grocery cart now! /s

    1. fposte*

      In most areas of the U.S., it’s really not likely that a February illness was COVID-19; it just wasn’t that widespread by then. (If sibling had traveled from China or Italy or something, that’s another matter.) A lot of people, including me, are looking at viruses we had over the winter and saying “What if?” but I think most of us who are hoping we had coronavirus and now have immunity are probably out of luck. So I’d assume that none of you have had it and operate accordingly.

      1. Me--just waiting for my visit from 'Rona D:*

        That’s basically what I told them. I find it hard to swallow that she would have had such a mild case, not at her age and with her underlying conditions. He texted earlier this week to ask if we wanted to get together this weekend, but I told him it probably wasn’t a good idea. So he probably thought it was okay if he showed up alone. I also reminded him then that I don’t have $50K for hospital bills.

        As far as Sibling, he travels a lot domestically for work. He was traveling at the time, and he could have caught it in an airport. But we still don’t know if anyone who already had it it can catch it again.

        1. Cat*

          I don’t think it’s THAT unlikely that an older/unhealthy person would have a mild case. Plenty of people being tested in nursing homes are asymptomatic.

          HOWEVER, agreed that everyone should be acting as if they haven’t had it!

    2. Enough*

      Re: symptoms. The 3 main ones are cough, fever, and shortness of breath. But there are many more including headache, loss of smell, fatigue and diarrhea. You can have any of them in pretty much any combination. There are those who never have shortness of breath and symptoms can last a few hours to a couple of weeks or more. And While those who are older and with pre-existing medical conditions are more likely to get very sick if exposed it is not a given. There was a woman who just turned 104 who has recovered from Covid-19

    3. Anono-me*

      I think a lot of people WANT to have had Covid 19 and become immune to it. Based on the knowledge we currently have, the timeline makes it unlikely, even with your brother’s travel.

      However the NIH is doing a big study on antibodies trying to determine that exact thing. Maybe some or all of the people in your family could consider volunteering.
      One: Science
      Two: The NIH may actually tell you your results.

      1. Me--just waiting for my visit from 'Rona D:*

        Oh I didn’t know about that. I will check it out, thank you. And no, I do not want it. I have no health insurance currently and don’t even have a doctor to call. Nor did my state expand Medicaid. I would not get any care.

        We really, truly do live in a shithole.

  121. Anon Money*

    Re: the checks the US govt is sending to individuals:
    Has anyone heard anything about the order they’ll be using?
    Last time the govt sent stimulus checks, it sent them by SSN order.

    When I try to research this, I only find articles about whether or not people filed their taxes the last two years and how that affects distribution.

    Assuming you filed your taxes, do they have an order for depositing or mailing checks?

    1. BRR*

      I believe direct deposits are happening on the quicker side. For paper check (if they don’t have your bank information), they’re doing it by income from lowest to highest.

    3. Sam Foster*

      Can’t find the article but what I saw is that it was per $10,000 of income per week and if memory serves someone who made $60,000 per year was getting a check in June. Direct Deposit is supposed to be in accounts by 4/24.

  122. Aurora Leigh*

    Happy Easter to all who celebrate!

    I am missing celebrating with friends and family this year. I cooked a special lunch for my fiance and I before he went out to work his shift at his essential job. And now it’s just me and the dog and the cats. Easter isn’t one of his holidays so he’s not feeling it the same way I am. I haven’t been great about church attendance in recent years, but not attending the Easter service is bugging me.

    I guess I am hating that this feels like just any other day when it should be more.

    Anyone else missing family and traditions today?

  123. Anonnington*

    I’m working on being more productive during quarantine. My dog needs a lot of walks. After each walk, I’m tired and we both rest. I keep taking him for longer walks because I’m trying to get in better shape and also tire him out so he’ll sleep soundly while I work on projects. But then I end up resting too much, and checking the news too much (always the same stuff). Trying to get into a routine where Dog and I are both getting plenty of exercise AND I have energy left over to write and work on my other projects.

    I have a to-do list, which is really helpful. I just wish I was getting more done.

    I hope this isn’t too work-related, but does anyone have any good resources on writing press releases and generally communicating with the media? About your creative work.

    I used to do that stuff professionally, but that was twenty years ago when it still went out by snail mail! I worked for a tiny niche publisher and I wrote a blurb announcing each new book. They were short. Usually just one paragraph, maybe two. I looked up, “press release template,” to see what had changed and the ones I found were really long. Like a page or more, which seems off (for my purposes). I thought that usually, you send them something they can print as-is if they want. Just a few lines announcing your thing (publication, event, etc). Am I right? How does it work in 2020 by email?

  124. 00ff00Claire*

    Sending this out and hoping it’s not too late for someone who knows to see… But for anyone who’s ordered delivery from Whole Foods via Amazon, do you know how the feature “save to grocery list” is suppose to function? When I’m viewing an item, I have the choice to add it to my cart or also to save it to a grocery list. When I choose to save it to the grocery list, I get a pop-up box and can choose to save it to “your grocery list”. I can click save and it tells me that it is saved. However, I cannot find this list. Does anyone know where it is and how to access it? I would like to build a list before I place my order and filling my cart doesn’t work, because if an item goes out of stock then Amazon just removes it from my cart. It seems like what I need is the grocery list, but I can’t find it after I save things to it! Any suggestions? Thanks!

    2. Melody Pond*

      Oh! I just figured this out recently! I do this on a laptop, on the web – not on a phone or from an app, so I’m not sure how to solve it in those mediums.

      When I’m signed into Amazon on the web, riiiiight underneath the main Search bar, at least in my account, there are a bunch of options in fairly small writing, in this order (just the first few):

      Fresh Whole Foods Prime Video Help Buy Again Find A Gift

      The first one, “Fresh” has a drop-down list that will appear if you just hover your mouse over it. Within that drop-down, one of the options is “Grocery Lists”. THAT is where the items go, when you click “save to grocery list” (and not your regular shopping lists for literally everything else on Amazon).

    3. 00ff00Claire*

      Thank you both! I was starting to lose my mind and Google was no help at all. It finally occurred to me after I asked here to check the app and it was pretty easy to find there. So that made it even more frustrating to not find on my laptop. Glad I will be able to actually use the feature now!

  125. Anon for this*

    The lockdown is doing well for me in several areas. I enjoy working from home and not having to be social. I enjoy having my daily walk in the park without too many dogs around me – I suffer from cynophobia. I enjoy having a quiet life. It’s so relaxing to see these quiet streets. I enjoy the decreased pollution.
    If I didn’t worry about the virus, life would be wonderful.
    I feel guilty about this as most people around me seem to be distraught. Just wanted to share.

    1. Anonnington*

      I feel the same way! I’m enjoying the down time.

      I feel stressed about the state of the world. I read the news and get angry about the way everything is being covered. I’m angry about politicians not handling it well. I’m disappointed (though not surprised) when I see the nonsense people post on social media – conspiracy theories, racism, denial. It’s bringing out the worst in a lot of people.

      But my day to day life? Just great! I’m not that social and I love having a break to relax and work on things.

    2. 653-CXK*

      I too work from home, and it’s nice not to be sidetracked, and I’ve been able to catch up on a lot of things. My neighborhood is served by a bus in front of my house and three more down the street, but I haven’t had any use for them, despite them being virtually free, so I saved on my monthly bus pass (and it goes through a slightly sketchy part of a neighborhood). I usually pack a lunch to work (lunchroom, no cafeteria) but now I can make it fresh without having to fish through the refrigerator at work. The fresh air is wonderful and it’s brought back my sense of smell and taste. I can still get food delivered (and I tip much more than normal). The people in the neighborhood are friendly enough when I walk and keep physically distant.

      In this crisis, people are going to see silver linings they may never have considered amongst the panic.

      1. 653-CXK*

        Whoops…

        “(and my bus route to work goes through a slightly sketchy part of a neighborhood)”

    3. James*

      I remember when my great-grandmother died (I was in high school, so it hit kinda hard) I didn’t cry at the funeral. I didn’t cry all week. I spoke with my mother about it, because I felt horrible–who doesn’t cry at a freaking funeral?!

      She explained to me that grief is personal. We all react differently, and as long as you’re not doing something egregiously stupid there’s no wrong way to grieve. Some people cry, some people get angry, some people write bad poetry, some people bottle it all up until they’re alone and spend an hour crying. Some people are even happy–if the person was suffering and there’s nothing anyone can do to help, death is sometimes the best option. It’s all acceptable. It’s all grief, and it’s unique to the individual.

      I think that this pandemic is similar. We each react to it differently. Some people are panicking. Some people are pretending not to be affected by it. Some people are looking into ways to fight it. Some are enjoying it. That’s all fine. Right now we are in the crisis; the only goal is to get through it. We can–and will–pick up the pieces once the dust settles. For now, don’t beat yourself up. You’re getting through this, in your way.

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