weekend free-for-all – April 18-19, 2020

by Alison Green on April 18, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Redhead by the Side of the Road, by Anne Tyler. A socially oblivious IT guy who holds himself at a bit of a remove finds his life increasingly complicated.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. NL*

    Love Anne Tyler, haven’t read her in years. I’m looking for comfort reading and she might fit the bill. What other comfort reading are people doing?

      1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

        Suds in Your Eye!!!
        I discovered the first book years ago at a lakeside rental. Now I have to check out the series. Tray Serve Aces!

        1. MysteryFan*

          Me too!! I was only about halfway thru The Goblin Emperor when I just HAD to stop reading and goo to the internet to find out if there would be a sequel! I could not wait!

          1. Cruciatus*

            When I read it there wasn’t a sequel in the works, but according to Good Reads there is now–though I think it focuses on just one of the characters from the book and won’t be a sequel with the characters we know. My mom finished it after I read it and said “please tell me there is another book” and she was so bummed there wasn’t!

            1. OtterB*

              As I understand it, there is a sequel in the works that follows Mer Celehar in his new career as speaker for the dead. Not following Maia et al, though one hopes they will at least get background mention.

    2. Not A Manager*

      My problem with Anne Tyler is that all of her books that I’ve read seem to have the same set-up. “A socially oblivious guy who holds himself at a bit of a remove finds his life increasingly complicated” by a zany and free-spirited woman. Heartbreak and hilarity ensue.

      I like her writing, but I wish she’d branch out a bit more. On the other hand I haven’t read her in years, so maybe I’ve missed something.

      2. Argh!*

        Yup. I read several of her books and I love her writing style, but I got tired of guy-hates-girls / guy-meets-girl / guy-loves-girl / guy-turns-out-to-be-too-weird-to-love / The. End.

      3. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I haven’t read much Anne Tyler (maybe three over the years?) but maybe she’s branching out, as none of the women in this one were zany or free-spirited! More practical and down to earth. But now I want to read more to test that.

      4. Nita*

        Hmm, the only book of hers I’ve read is When We Were Grownups, and it doesn’t fit this description in the least. I rather liked it, but I think you have to pick it up at a certain point in your life to really appreciate it. A crossroads, something like a midlife crisis, when you start to wonder how you ended up living like this.

      5. LeeBklyn*

        I loved “Ladder Of Years,” about a mother who runs away from home. I read it when I had high schoolers, and it resonated.

    3. misspiggy*

      Dorothy L Sayers’ Lord Peter Wimsey books are my go-to.

      Also Alison Uttley’s The Country Child. She wrote the Little Grey Rabbit children’s books, and this is a beautifully poignant account of growing up in rural Derbyshire in the late nineteenth century. (The remote farming landscape she describes is still there, although more roads now run through it.)

      1. Zooey*

        Seconding DL Sayers, I adore her. My husband has just started on her and I am relieved he is recognising her brilliance! I also love Georgette Heyer’s Regency Romances which are perfect comfort reads (annoyingly I can’t get away with her murder mysteries even though that’s a genre I love). And I just rediscovered Mary Wesley, gently satirical stories about the very posh, with loads of amazing food and sex. She’s lots of fun.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          I found a great podcast recently – As My Wimsey takes Me. Two English lit types doing a readthrough of the series.

          1. Zooey*

            I’ve been listening to that two, it’s brill isn’t it? Giving me a new appreciation of already much-loved books.

            1. Zooey*

              *too

              I must be tired, for some reason this always breaks my ability to distinguish between homophones!

        2. curly sue*

          I wish I could love Heyer, but I can’t get past the anti-semitism that’s so pervasive in her regencies. It’s not even an ‘everyone was like that in her time’ issue because she wrote The Grand Sophy – the worst of the lot – in 1950. It poisons the whole thing for me.

          1. OtterB*

            If you like Heyer in concept, you might like K J Charles’s Band Sinister, which has been described as “Heyer but Gayer.” M/m Regency with the London rake and the country innocent. Well-handled Jewish secondary character. Loads of fun if steamy m/m appeals.

            1. curly sue*

              I’m very familiar with KJ – thanks for the recommendation, because you’re dead on with my tastes! I also like Rose Lerner for Jewish characters in regency romance.

      2. MistOrMister*

        I tried Dorothy Sayers but somehow couldn’t get into her books even though it’s a genre and time period I enjoy. Agatha Christie all the way for me :)

        2. allathian*

          Agatha Christie is one of my favorites as well. I particularly like the Poirot stories. Miss Marple is OK but I admit that her modesty when her skills as a detective are recognized grates on my nerves a bit.

      3. CTT*

        On the Sayers tip, my mom just told me about a book called “Square Haunting: Five Writers in London Between the Wars” about female writers who lived in Mecklenburgh Square. In addition to DLS, it also profiles H.D., my favorite poet who rarely gets written about, so this is really my dream book.

      4. Nervous Nellie*

        Alison Uttley! Thank you for the reminder.

        My go-tos have long been Mary Stewart (Airs Above the Ground! The Little Broomstick! Ludo & the Star Horse!) and Stella Gibbons (Cold Comfort Farm, but especially Nightingale Wood, a wacky adult fairy tale. Happy comfort reading!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          And forgot – This Is the End, by Stella Benson, written during WW1. She described her heroine as the most ‘constantly apparent woman in this story.’ Edgy & brilliant, and full text is available at gutenberg.org.

    4. MistOrMister*

      I still have to finish my C.S. Lewis book, but now that I’m reading an adult book by him, there’s a really good chance I’ll end up breaking out the books I like in the Narnia series again. And I’ve got some Agatha Christie books calling my name.

      2. KaciHall*

        I have been reading a series set during the Golden Age of Narnia, and it’s wonderful and makes me want to read the actual works again. Sally all my books are currently in storage but I should be able to get to them in a few weeks! Fan fiction is so hit or miss, but some are so good! The only Christie books I currently have access to are the few that are on project Gutenberg, and while I love Tommy and Tuppence, I’m getting a little tired of the Secret Adversary…

        1. King Friday XIII*

          What series? I’m currently buried happily in a million and a half word Harry Potter AU but I’d love to dig into some Narnia next.

          1. KaciHall*

            Rthstewart on ao3 has some excellent series, one set in Narnia when they were adults, and another set after they return and their activities during the war. They are all part of the same universe but not too intertwined

            1. wickedtongue*

              Seconding the rthstewart recommendation, the series during the war starts with The Stone Gryphon!

              Also recommended for Narnia fanfic, cofax’s Carpetbaggers, and a companion piece, The Last Defense of Cair Paravel.

              I have a whole list of Narnia fanfic, although none are as long as rthstewart’s series.

      1. gamboge*

        Second Barbara Pym, and add E.F. Benson, Saki, and Edmund Crispin. These four are my old reliables. Looks like the Crispin “box set” is currently $0 to read and ~$7 to buy on Kindle, and Complete Works of Saki is under a buck.

        1. Scarlet Magnolias*

          I’ve been re-reading Sue Graftons, John D. MacDonalds (dated but fun) will next go back to Gaudy Night. May go thru the Butch Karp series by Tanenbaum, but don’t read past #13 as he lost his ghost writer then

          1. allathian*

            I really enjoy Sue Grafton’s books until about O or P. After that I think their quality drops sharply and I never even finished the last one (Y is for Yesterday?), although I do think it’s a bit unfortunate that she never completed Z.

    6. cleo*

      I’ve been reading fairytale / folktale retellings. I enjoy them under most circumstances but they’ve really hit the spot lately

    7. PhyllisB*

      Viola Shipman is a good comfort read. The author is a man (can’t remember his real name at the moment.) Viola Shipman was his grandmother. Anyway, the books are great. He really understands women.

    8. NewReadingGlasses*

      I’m rereading the Brother Cadfael series. I also got the movie set as a present some years ago, so I’m comparing the books to the movies as I go.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I have a ton of books on my Kindle I need to read, but I have an irrational desire to read all the books in my packed-away library. Probably because I can’t get to them, haha.

      A lot of the Kindle stuff is horror— most people wouldn’t find that comforting, exactly! But I like horror, so they’re fun reads for me.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I’ve been rereading Shirley Jackson. (I found a book of her short stories at the used book store in my hometown library, which lead to my rereading “The Haunting of Hill House.”) Jackson is an underrated master. I’ve also been rereading Ira Levin (a bit dated, but still generally well done).

    10. Nita*

      I’m planning to re-read the Lord of the Rings when I get a few minutes. Maybe I’ll read it to the kids too, so they know that even the darkest darkness does end.

      2. allathian*

        Start with The Hobbit…
        I love the language in Lord of the Rings, but I can’t face it just now, it’s too heavy going.
        My comfort reading is light and fluffy, Terry Pratchett rather than J. R. R. Tolkien.

    11. Princesa Zelda*

      The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series is the ultimate in comfort for me. I can practically recite them, and Adams has such a brilliant way with words – it’s guaranteed to make me laugh every time. The whale and tulip scene in the first is probably my favorite piece of writing in the entire English language.

    12. TexasRose*

      I find myself alternating between fluff and thrillers – fluff for comfort, and thrillers when I want to blame something other than the current circumstances for my anxiety and nervousness.
      Fluff: Donna Andrews (her Meg Langslow series, if you like large Southern, eccentric families with a dash of mystery thrown in)
      Anne George’s Southern Sister series, especially on audio
      anything by Jennifer Crusie (mostly romance, with some paranormal romance)
      Suzanne Brockmann’s Troubleshooter series (romance and romantic suspense, with thriller aspects thrown in)
      Little Fuzzy, both the trilogy from the ?50s ?60s?, and Scalzi’s reboot of it (though Scalzi’s is considerably less fluff)
      David Rosenfelt’s series about a dog-loving lawyer who really doesn’t want to practice law

      Thrillers:
      Lee Child’s Jack Reacher series
      Dick Francis’ horse racing books (not a series as such; most highlight a different aspect of racing, or racing-adjacent occupations)
      Patricia Brigg’s werewolf series (Mercy Thompson and the Alpha and Omega series) – great kick-ass heroines, but they really need to be read in sequence
      Bujold’s Vorkosigan series (which ranges from space opera, to coming of age, to romantic comedy) – another series that really needs to be read in sequence
      John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War and follow ons (umm – partly military SF, but good reads)
      anything by J A Jance, though I am partial to her Ali Reynolds series at the moment (but her J. P. Beaumont series and Joanna Brady series are also good)
      …and that’s enough for the moment

      1. allathian*

        I really should dig out my Dick Francis books… They’re thrilling, but also rather comforting. The more recent Felix Francis books are also quite good. It took a few for him to really find his stride, but I think he has found his voice now.

  2. Pandemic Baking*

    With social distancing, obviously people are bringing supplies to those who can’t leave their homes; it’s okay if it’s necessary like for food to leave it on their doorsteps.

    I love to bake but always bake too much. Is it responsible in terms of social distancing to bake things, place they in ziplock bags and leave them at the doors of my friends and family? Or I should I not do that since it’s just extra goodies, not important for their survival.

    2. Llama Face!*

      I’d say you can, but ask the recipients first. Everyone has their own balance of risk tolerance in this situation. Some friends and family may be okay accepting it but others may not and then it’s awkward if you already left it on their doorstep. It can be a boost to mental health to get a nice gift like that (my mom brought me baking and it was so comforting) but not everyone wants to take a chance. Personally, I decided to accept food from my family because I know the steps they are taking to reduce possible cross-contamination. My next door neighbours, on the other hand, are not eating any outside food whatsoever.

      1. Ann Onny Muss*

        Definitely ask first. And only ask once. My mom keeps wanting to bring cookies and masks and cat food to me (I’m good on all of these), and I’m increasingly annoyed at having to tell her “NO. STAY AT HOME.”

        1. lazy intellectual*

          I’m hearing a lot about people having trouble keeping parents at bay lol. Poor moms and dads who miss their kids and need people to nurture, but they definitely are the ones to stay at home.

      2. A New Normal*

        This. Plus you don’t know who just did a load of stress-baking and already has a million calories worth of their own things to eat!

    3. Nessun*

      My coworker offered to send me a care pack when he bakes again; he and his kids have been making his extended family cookies and such, since they can’t stay to visit. They do up little bags and leave them in the mailbox! He’s offered the same to me, since he knows I hate to bake…I talked him into including his mother’s next batch of samosas, which I consider a personal victory because they are Ah-mazing.

    4. CastIrony*

      That is really kind of you!

      That is pretty sanitary. I see people using drones to deliver goodies to each other on Tik Tok. Perhaps you could wipe the bags down before delivery, if it makes you feel better.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      I would say yes provided people are OK with it. Personally I would love to get a care package from a friend/relative/neighbour, but as Llama Face says others’ mileage may vary about this. It doesn’t hurt to ask though!

    6. Agnodike*

      The guidance we got from our public health unit on this was explicitly not to, but I think it probably depends on what’s going on in your own community.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed, I personally lean toward no do not do this. But some people might be okay with it. Please consider masks and gloves while preparing the goodies.

        1. Ranon*

          There’s no sanitation advantage to gloves over well washed hands for covid, and folks who aren’t used to glove wearing tend to be more aware of touching things they shouldn’t with their hands than they are with gloves. Hand washing really is very effective and sufficient in this case.

          1. Parenthetically*

            +1

            Handwashing and social distancing are our most powerful tools. Masks and gloves are for when we have to be in public areas. Helpful link to follow.

            2. Jules the 3rd*

              Masks and hair coverings seem appropriate if you are baking for other people though. It’s a form of social contact.

              I would be a firm “No” if anyone asked if I wanted their baking. Firm.

      2. ThatGirl*

        Honestly, food is a pretty unlikely source of transmission. I’d happily accept baked goods from others. But I do agree with asking first.

        1. Agnodike*

          Commercially-prepared food is generally agreed to be an unlikely source of transmission. I’m not aware of any data or published opinion on the safety of homemade food, especially food not designed to be heated before consuming. Would love to see the info you’re working from if you can share it! :)

          So much of what to do is opinion-, not evidence-based, which is why I pointed out that advice may (and probably should) vary by community.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Commercially prepared food is no more or less likely than homemade food to be a source of transmission. It’s food. The virus is inhaled; if you were to somehow digest any, it would be destroyed in your digestive system. Hand washing is far more effective than almost anything else we can do, aside from not being coughed on. Again, I think it’s smart to ask first. But I don’t see a homemade brownie as any more dangerous than a commercially prepared one.

            1. Agnodike*

              The difference, to my mind, in the risk of fomite transmission would be proximity of exposure. Again, there are no studies on fomite transmission in vivo, so we’re extrapolating from in vitro research to make a guess. Maybe my public health unit (who don’t advise sanitizing groceries) are worried about people who drop off goodies staying for a chat. Maybe they’re seeing increasing probable fomite transmission in their case reviews. I don’t know, so I follow their advice. The poster of this question should do the same with their local PHU. It’s hard to say there are universal best principles beyond “wash your hands and keep a good distance away.”

              1. Food Safety*

                Honestly, I’d be more concerned about the baker’s general hygiene and kitchen cleanliness (as I normally would, in a non-pandemic situation) than getting the virus. I think we’ve learned from this… that a lot of people don’t routinely wash their hands with soap and water thoroughly, they don’t truly “clean” their homes with products that disinfect (as opposed to wiping with wet/dry rags, etc.). It’s highly likely that people are paying more attention to that kind of hygiene now than ever before. Generally speaking… I’d only accept baked goods from people that I trust wash their hands and don’t lick their fingers while cooking and baking, etc. That would hold true for me now as well.

          2. RagingADHD*

            How is takeout safe but homemade not safe? Takeout is handled by more people, and not usually reheated.

    7. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Yes, but ask first and make sure they agree. Plenty of us are still bringing baked goods (bread, cookies, what-have-you) home from the supermarket, or having food delivered, and might well think that we’re as safe with our sister or friend’s baking as with Pepperidge Farm or Stop and Shop.

      Other people are being more, or differently, cautious.

    8. Buni*

      I’ve been keep my neighbour in bakes since they’re letting me use their wi-fi for free – it’s probably different because I don’t actually have to leave the building to get to theirs.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Don’t just dump them, but as long as they’re okay with it and expecting it, sure. Lots of people are depending on takeout rn, and there hasn’t been any increased risk demonstrated from earing food someone else cooked.

      Gestures of kindness and treats are good for morale & community. There is no scientific or moral benefit in forgoing treats on principle. If we were all supposed to subsist on gruel to show solidarity, we’re not going to make it.

    1. A bit of a saga*

      Happy weekend! I’m really up and down. The last two days were awful. The semi-lockdown has been extended for at least another two weeks here but no-one thinks we’re done with that. The kids have already been home for 5 weeks and they are clearly starting to struggle too. The combo of being a decent parent and employee at the same time is wearing on me. need something to look forward to, some date to work towards where things will start to ease up, and it’s difficult to put a timing on that right now. But I just got myself a new puzzle and it’s raining so I have permission to just stay inside and laze around. I hope you’re ok?

      1. Jdc*

        I’m feeling the same. We received a voicemail this morning that they won’t be going back to school at all, which isn’t a change since if he did go back it would’ve been for a week. He was already two weeks into his spring break when it started so from my calculations my step son has been here forever. Combine that with the fact that he doesn’t leave the house that often us usually anyway….

        Even though I’ve known the end dates could change i have been holding on to some hope that end of May was the limit but it’s getting harder to believe that and therefore harder t feel like I have that date to look forward to.

        Speaking of dates! I want a date night so bad. We’ve done some at home but it’s not the same as the kid is here and isn’t great at boundaries, even when we say “we are doing a date night please leave us alone for X hours”. He’s 17 so this isn’t torture for him or neglect.
        Husband and I joked that once we are free we will go out to our local bar together and then say “see you later” once we walk on and go socialize when this is done. I miss our bar. I’m not a huge bar person but we live in a small village and our local bar is where everyone who lives here goes on a weekend and we all know each other. I want to see my neighbors. Also they are the only friends I have here.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          I miss nightlife so bad. I mean, I’m not a crazy party-er, but going into town on the weekends to get coffee/a drink or dinner, window shop or whatnot, was a regular thing for me.

    2. Oxford Comma*

      Yesterday was terrible. I get so angry. So so angry and I burst into tears over stupid things.

      Today seems better so far. It helps if I can keep busy.

      1. anon24*

        I’m sorry Oxford Comma. This is such an emotional roller coaster, isn’t it? It feels like anger is the safest emotion to feel sometimes. I’ve been very angry too.

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I got like that for a year or two after my dad died, getting furious at little things. I think most of us are grieving the loss of normalcy to some extent.

      2. Sam I Am*

        I had a meltdown Wednesday. I felt better that evening but I really let it all hang out all day and didn’t try to get things done. I think I needed the stress release. I hope you feel better soon, I’m thinking of you.

    4. anon24*

      Happy weekend! It’s been rough. I’m still working (essential) but the last 2 days were my scheduled days off. I get so darned depressed so fast on my days off now that I can’t go to the gym or anything. Yesterday I put my laptop on my kitchen counter and popped on a funny TV show for company and spent something like 6 or 7 hours making candles, one of my hobbies that I only do a few times a year but seems to be one of my favorite new activities. Its soothing and the combination of laughing along with the TV show and making candles is so good for my mental health. Thankfully I had a good stockpile of supplies to make them but I’m running low. I hope this ends before I run out although I now have something like 60 candles taking up space on my shelves :) I really want to bake but then I end up eating it all so not a good idea.

      1. WineNot*

        What kind of candles do you make? That is one of the many things I see people doing and am so impressed by! Do you sell them?

        1. anon24*

          They’re so easy and fun to make! I usually make soy wax candles, but yesterday I made 3 kinds – soy wax, palm wax, and coconut wax. When I tell people it’s my hobby some people always want to buy some, so I usually end up selling a few here and there. I’d love to make it a side business but I just don’t think I have the business brain to make the leap from hobby to profitable business. As for jars, I have a whole bunch of different candle jars that I bought from a supplier but I also have fun! The ones I made yesterday are in a combination of 10 oz clear round jars with no lids, 10 oz frosted white jars with no lids, 9 oz frosted blue jars with no lids, square pint canning jars, tall round pint canning jars, little tins with lids and coconut shells! You can use pretty much any container that can safely be heated up without becoming a fire/melting risk or becoming too hot. When I woke up this morning my kitchen still smelled like a candle :)

    5. Laney delaney*

      And today the stay at home game has leveled up in difficulty. Woke up to a power outage, affecting only my street and they haven’t dispatched anyone yet to fix it, estimated fix by noon. Now I can worry about all the food in my refrigerator and freezer going bad. And with a well, must watch water use until noon.

      1. Wired Wolf*

        I hear ya. I love spring but hate it, at least the mandatory face covering helps somewhat. Our building landscapers use juniper mulch, so the day they actually put it down I cannot go outside unless it rains to hold down the dust. Bee pollen and manuka honey seems to help for my allergies.

    7. Not A Manager*

      Yesterday was the first time I was really aware of not being able to sit still. I just had to be doing something – anything – but I still felt rote and numb. I guess that’s okay occasionally but I’d really like it not to become my new normal.

    8. Anon Accountant*

      No. Struggling badly because am trying to meet work deadlines plus my mothers family still stops by and she gets mad because I won’t leave my work to come talk to them when they’re here (an hour or more).

      And we are generally under each other’s feet. Then she screamed at me because I received my stimulus check but her niece didn’t get hers yet. Then she screamed because her brother keeps asking when he’s getting his and I don’t know.

      It’s been rough and today is bad.

      1. CastIrony*

        I am so sorry! I was upset when my sister didn’t get hers when I did. She got hers a few days later, though.

        She’ll hopefully get it soon.

    9. lazy intellectual*

      Happy weekend! Mental health was a bit teetering this past week. Decompressing this weekend will definitely be appreciated. I think it finally hit me for real that I won’t be seeing my friends in-person for quite a while that is not equal to a few weeks.

    10. OTGW*

      I’m fine until I remember I still have like 10 things to do for school. Ugh. On the bright side, it’s only one more week + “finals” week. I need to go on a walk today. We snowed yesterday but it’ll be in the 60s today so. Some fresh air will be nice.

    11. Nita*

      Depends on the news. I read that cases are going down, and I feel grateful that the family is together and having a pretty good time. I read a little more about what the virus does to people, or the expectations for lockdown, vaccinations and immunity, and right away I feel like I can’t breathe, and I want everyone to go away and leave me in a corner to cry (oh, this doesn’t happen).

    12. AnotherAlison*

      Our quarantine was extended to May 3, maybe May 15. Found out this morning that our dry cleaner is closed forever. That was a bummer. I might go there 3x a year, but the owner was always working and always knew my name.

    13. Nala*

      This might sound weird, but I’m actually enjoying being stuck at home – aside from the fact that people are getting sick and dying, of course. I’m a bit of an anti-social introvert, and I so prefer working at home and not having to talk to people all day. I’m getting more work done at home than at the office, the days zoom by ( no pun intended) I don’t have to worry about what I’ll wear or doing my hair etc. I didn’t realize how much work triggered my social anxiety until I didn’t have to go there anymore! I’m so much more calm now, knowing that I can stay home every day. I’d like to work at home even when things get back to normal, but I doubt the boss will allow that.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Though I miss socializing, I don’t mind working from home. I find my regular office environment a little hectic when I’m trying to get a lot of writing done and trying to concentrate. I felt like I was working in a newsroom though I’m not a journalist! Writing at home in solitude is so much more peaceful.

      2. Wired Wolf*

        Likewise; it’s interesting to realize exactly how crazy our useless ‘supervisor’ was driving us all. Maybe we can all ‘start fresh’ when we go back. My company is going to start calling us back next week; store hours have been reduced so I likely won’t be at FT for awhile but can probably keep partial UI until then.

        I colored my hair last week and went a shade darker than usual, and I like it! (found a boxed dye that has anti-brassing stuff) I also found a small tube of holographic hair makeup and can’t wait to try it on this color.

    14. NoLongerYoung*

      I actually feel crummy. I am trying to be gentle with myself. I have been sleeping as much as needed yesterday and today, and I broke into the nausea meds and feel a little better. I don’t know if it is the combo of stress, and the dairy and sugar? (trying not to be anxious that it is more).

      The first month + of this, I was WFH, but put in too many hours (my regular overwork, but had the covid items added… and also felt overly responsible to do “all the things” even when everyone else on the teams were able to work part time and do school for their kids.). I finally ramped back down this week, but now… I physically just have either my ulcer returning, or something going on. (I am actually hopeful it is the ulcer). I finally took one day of vacation this week – I had to go to the store (which took 3 hours, from the line outside to getting home) and the auto repair place, and did not want to try to go on Saturday.

      But… I have a new goal now of stopping work at 5:30, walking the dog as a transition to “home/ me time” and then just resting on the couch as needed. 2 naps today. So hopefully better soon. I hate taking acid-blockers, as a rule, but I may do so just to alleviate any anxiety that this is “maybe” more.

      On the other hand, I did manage to clean months of magazines off the “land of good intentions” (the coffee table and side tables)… it is clear to me that I won’t be getting the 2019 ones read. It feels like an accomplishment, and I am giving myself credit.

    15. Tris Prior*

      Ugh. Since my partner is laid off and I’m partially furloughed, I am feeling very guilty about ANY moment I am spending not trying to bring more cash into the house by any means necessary. And, uh, that is a lot of moments, these days. I have a side handmade business selling a total non-need (unfortunately my medium does not lend itself to mask making and I do not sew), and I’ve actually gotten a handful of sales over the past few weeks. But it’s not enough and I feel like I should be working harder to get us out of this hole.

      Anything I would normally do to try and bring in money is unavailable to me or a bad idea. Normally I’d sign up for more craft shows (can’t, they’re all cancelled), sell random household crap I don’t need (having strangers in my home seems unwise right now and it’s all too big to ship so I can’t use ebay), get some random part-time retail job (we are not yet so destitute that we need to look at putting our health at risk and risk exposure in order to make money.) I signed up for some of those online survey sites but have yet to qualify for anything.

      Also working hard on trying to keep my partner from falling into a black hole of depression due to it being very hard to job hunt right now.

      I feel like I might do better if I could just take some time and relax without feeling guilty about it, maybe read that book I bought a month ago that I’ve not gotten more than a few chapters into. But the guilt and the panic over not bringing in extra money seems to be winning these days. :/

      Thanks for listening. Sigh. These product photos aren’t gonna photoshop themselves….

  4. Can’t Sit Still*

    I finally installed my bidet. My only regret is not getting one sooner. I worried about messing plumbing, but it turned out fine. I did have to use a hair dryer on the nut of the tank intake to get it to loosen up. I think the whole valve assembly needs to be replaced, but I don’t want to push my luck.

    I even remembered to get the cats stoned on catnip beforehand, so they were sprawled in the living room, staring at their paws, instead of pestering me in the bathroom.

      1. Can’t Sit Still*

        No. I would say I’m a bit handy, but messing with plumbing was kind of scary at first. It’s a cold water bidet, so I wasn’t running a hot water line or anything.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Reeeally basic question: isn’t the cold water.. uh.. not comfy? Or is it that one does not let the water run long enough to get cold?

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      All about that bidet life! Our master bathroom plumbing space won’t allow for the after market add on (which I already own) There’s a Toto in our remodel plans!

    3. Red Sky*

      Would you mind sharing which one you got and how it’s working out for you so far? I’m thinking about getting a handheld attachment style bidet if the one I think I want ever becomes available again.

      1. Can’t Sit Still*

        I got the Luxe Bidet Neo 180, which is self-cleaning, has dual nozzles and two wash strengths: Wash and Women. The wash setting is powerful, even with fairly low water pressure, the women setting is gentler and farther forward. I was worried about it being cold water, but the cold doesn’t bother me. Everything I needed for installation was included in the box, except for a rag and the hairdryer. The instructions were clearly written and illustrated. They include a help line number as well if you have any issues. Oh, and I needed bumpers for the seat, since the seat didn’t sit flat after installation. I believe they will mail them to you, also, but I purchased mine separately.

        I paid $33.50 for it a month ago, but prices seem to have doubled since then.

        The reduction in toilet paper use is great, but I really feel cleaner, too. I wish I had had one when I was still menstruating, it would have made a huge difference.

        1. Washi*

          I have this one too! I installed it myself and it was super easy. I have to say it’s taken a bit of practice to know how much water for how long will clean me. I don’t use the women setting because that one is too far forward for my toilet and creates puddles on the floor, so I just shift back a little bit and use the regular nozzle when I want to clean up front.

          Not going to lie, I yelped the first time the cold water hit my butt but now I find it kind of refreshing. I used to use a little toilet paper but now that I don’t have guests coming over I just keep a “butt towel” on top of the toilet and mostly use that to dry myself off. My husband isn’t into that and still uses toilet paper to dry off though. But we still reduced our consumption considerably.

    4. Anono-me*

      I’m really regretting not doing one earlier. We’m going to wait till all this settles down (in case things go wrong with the older Plumbing), then get a nice toto with the dryer. But we have DIY hand ones for now.

      1. Can’t Sit Still*

        Ooh, luxury! I only have one outlet in the bathroom, which is too far away from the toilet to plug in one with a heated seat and dryer.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve had one of the little ones that go on the side of the toilet in my wish list forever, waiting until I get my own place. But the price went up! Ah well, perhaps it will go back down again when things calm down, and by then I’ll have my own toilet again, lol.

      1. Can’t Sit Still*

        I recommend it! It’s worth it. It should be as easy to uninstall as it was to install. I live in an older apartment building but they remodeled the bathroom before I moved in, so the toilet was brand new, so that might make a difference, too.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Well, I don’t want to order it now because I don’t want to get anything I don’t need from Amazon. Also, I don’t think Mum would want me messing with her plumbing. I’d just–rather not.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I am so envious, I’ve been to 3rd world countries that have the hand shower installed and they are amazing. We tried to install one in our bathroom but the layout is so weird and outdated that it doesn’t work. My husband tried for 2 hours before throwing in the towel. So, I use a handheld bidet (a squirt bottle) now. Not the same but better htan nothing.

      1. Can’t Sit Still*

        I won’t lie, it took me a couple of hours to figure out what was supposed to be a ten minute installation, and that was with new plumbing. I wouldn’t have been able to do it at all with the original plumbing. There was lots of swearing involved!

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I might try doing this again in the winter since I can’t really bend down too much anymore.

    7. Happy@home*

      My household has a running joke that unless the cats are right there, supervising, you won’t do a job well!

  5. Gaia*

    Some of you might remember that I began taking Lexapro for anxiety in November. I’m happy to report that my anxiety is significantly reduced. I started at 10mg and increased to 20mg in late January. Im actually really impressed with how I’m handling the pandemic.

    But I have a concern and I’d like some insight. I knew going in that “emotional dulling” was a risk. At first I thought I’d avoided it. I felt happy, excited, nervous, anxious, love….all normal. But then I started to notice one emotion I never feel anymore: sad.

    I literally never feel sad. I recognize sad situations. I feel empathy and sympathy. But I’m never sad, even when I otherwise would/should expect to feel sad. All I get is a thought of “this is sad.”

    I asked my doctor and he suggested I go back down to 10mg which I have. I’m hoping this helps but all the info I’ve found on emotional dulling is about not feeling anything. And I feel other emotions, just not this one. And it feels weird to complain about not feeling sad, I don’t want to be sad. But I do want to feel.

    1. Not A Manager*

      When did this start? The whole pandemic thing has everyone in a tailspin. “Not fully experiencing your emotions” could be from the situation, as well as/instead of from the meds.

    2. misspiggy*

      It could be that with anxiety reduced, you’re legitimately not feeling sad. Just for comparison, I wouldn’t say I’m feeling sad at the moment, because I’m focusing on positives and avoiding a lot of media.

      1. Jdc*

        I agree. I actually had this happen for a period in my life. Honestly it’s when a lot changed and a lot of stress was removed and regardless of sad things I just didn’t feel sad. I didn’t cry for maybe a year and I usually am fairly expressive emotionally.

    3. Retail not Retail*

      That is fascinating! At first I started thinking I don’t feel “sad” with my anxiety making everything heightened, I can’t even pinpoint an emotion as complex as sadness.

      I want to see a new shrink once stuff has settled down – I think I’m on too much, not that I’m feeling bad side effects or even much of an effect. The last med that did have an effect is too much of a hassle to get because it’s so new and expensive insurance requires prior authorization. I didn’t have withdrawal when I went off, so I thought I was fine. I also have left grad school where I had the time and resources to manage what I thought was grad school anxiety.

      My therapist there said my desire to control my emotions is really a desire to deny them which is true for me.

      Brains and emotions are hard, endless empathy and solidarity.

    4. AnyoneAnywhere*

      I think, too, that when you are anxious, negative emotions tend to be exaggerated- like crying at TV commercials and every little news story because your emotional bucket is just so full to begin with. I wonder if you are actually experiencing a more normal range of emotions but you don’t recognize it as normal because it’s been so long since you felt normal.

      I have no idea, I’m not you- but mental health issues can wreak havoc with your emotions in lots of ways, and I wondered if that might be part of what’s going on for you.

    5. Parenthetically*

      I started taking Zoloft right before this all kicked off and I AM SO GLAD I DID!

      My grandmother was on a too-large dose of Lexapro after my grandfather died, and she said that was one of the things she hated about it — that she couldn’t cry. Once she got the dosage sorted out, she was able to grieve properly. So that’s one anecdotal “yup, sounds right.”

    6. 30ish*

      This sound somewhat similar to my experience with Lexapro, although to be honest I never really saw it as a problem (by now I do feel sad again from time to time, though crying would still be quite rare – it might take a while to find a balance of emotions that feels right). I noticed that I was actually able to show more sympathy to others when I wasn’t feeling too much sadness over their situation myself. I have never been more able to respond well to others’ feelings than since I started Lexapro. It’s weird for sure to observe how one’s emotions can be affected by a medication, but for me it has definitely been a net positive.

    7. KoiFeeder*

      Anecdotally, having untreated anxiety for years absolutely messed up my ability to feel “sad” and “afraid” even without medication.

      But that being said, the purpose of medication and therapy is to give you an emotion quotient that you’re comfortable with! If you are not happy with your sadness quotient, then you should deal with that how you see fit.

    8. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve never taken Lexapro, but at one time I took a low dose of Klonopin for anxiety and panic attacks. It worked like that for me. I still “felt” everything emotionally, but it just didn’t overwhelm me and I was able to keep working.

      Unfortunately, I got laid off of that job and lost my insurance and had to stop taking it. I haven’t really needed to go back onto it, as I think a lot of the extra anxiety and panic was because of that job. Uh! WHY do we let our jobs do this to us?

    9. Thankful for AAM*

      You got me thinking, do I ever feel sad? I’m not on any medications and am considered neurotypical (son and husband and even the dog are not) so I cannot speak to the meds but maybe can offer an unmedicated view if that is helpful.

      I honestly cannot recall feeling sad in a very long time. The please send money bc of abused animals commercials are very upsetting to me and I have all kinds of concerns and worries and empathy for the struggles I see around me due to covid and life, but I don’t ever describe those feelings I am having as sad. My dad died 8 years ago, I was sad then. A close friend moved across the country 5 years ago and I was sad then. And I’m sure I said, “thats sad,” here and there, but I don’t think I have actually felt sad in years.

      Is it just a matter of definition? Are you feeling it without recognizing it?

      1. Laure001*

        I want to second what Thankful for AAM just said. I am neurotypical and not on medication and I actually feel sad… Once a year? Not even that? And only when connected to people I really love, who are my husband and my children. I feel joy, guilt (a lot!), empathy compassion, anger… But my amount of sadness feels normal to me. So maybe you were feeling a lot of anxiety related sadness before and that you are now discovering your “normal” level of sadness? If someone tells me something sad, I do not feels sad in return. I feel compassion and a desire to help.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Are you talking about when sad things happen to you? Or when you read/hear about sad things happening to other people?

      It’s possible that your anxiety caused you to be overly invested in other people’s emotions, and the more abstract type of empathy you’re experiencing now is just new to you.

      It could also be that with so much bad news happening right now, your self-protective boundaries are functioning to shield you from being overwhelmed. That’s what they are there for.

      Id say, coming from an unmedicated place, that “that’s so sad” is an appropriate response to something that doesn’t affect you directly (if that’s the case), and that empathy is demonstrated more in a desire to help than in intensity of feeling.

      If you’re talking about sad things happening to you, it’s probably shock.

    11. Kuododi*

      If I’m understanding correctly the anxiety is improving but you’re now experiencing increased levels of sadness.
      Eliminating other mitigating factors, something to consider is the Lexapro has possibly helped improve your quality of life to the point you’re now able to address issues of sadness which had previously been unaccessible. (Strictly a loose theory based on previous counseling clients. In no way am I presuming to step in as any official capacity.). I’m delighted to hear you are doing well and wish you the best life has to offer

    12. MysteryFan*

      I have a friend who takes Lexapro, and she has a similar complaint. She just “doesn’t cry” anymore. Even when REALLY sad stuff happens.. it’s just not there. Interesting!

    13. Mindovermoneychick*

      So that’s totally how my emotions work normally. When I see or hear about something sad I think “this is sad”. I can feel compassion and an impulse to help. But I don’t feel sad myself. Which I sued to think was a character flaw.

      The years ago I got anxiety as a side effect of some other medication. Then I did experience feeling sad about things that happened to others. And I hated it. When we switched meds and resolved the anxiety that ability to feel another’s pain went away. And it was a relief.

      I fretted a bit about being glad this flaw had returned, but my best friend who is a strong empath told me to just enjoy it. She said she can only ever be as happy as the least happy person in the room. And that’s not fun for her.

      So just saying that maybe this isn’t a drug induced abnormal state, but just an alternate one.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Being able to separate yourself from other people while still treating them with compassion is not a character flaw.

        Nobody would be able to set bones, investigate crimes, try legal cases, or do social work if we all took other people’s pain as our own.

    14. I hear ya!*

      I take Lexapro’s generic. And I know exactly what you are talking about. I noticed this before the pandemic or even the word “COVID-19” entered the world’s vocabulary.

      I have noticed things that used to make me tear up don’t anymore. It is very hard and very rare for me to cry. I finally cried a week ago when I fell out of bed, and I think that only happened because it stunned me (I wasn’t hurt; just more like shocked that I actually fell out of bed). With Lexapro though I don’t get anxious as easy and I can reason with myself in order to avoid anxiety. But I want to feel all of the emotions anyway as I am human. I notice that instead of crying upset, I get angry upset.

      With all that said and done, I was supposed to be on this short term. It was given to me for reactionary depression – meaning I don’t have depression but a traumatic experience I went through last year put me in one as I wasn’t eating, sleeping, crying all the time. However, I am now passed that experience, understood what happened and why, and how it is best I am away from that situation. I have moved on. The doctor didn’t want me off it of it during the winter, but here we are in the spring. However, here we are in a pandemic. So who knows if my doctor will take me off of it. I put in a refill request the other day; I’m waiting to hear back. I know I can’t just quit it cold turkey.

    15. It’s All Good*

      Yes. On Lexapro and my friend on Zoloft. Quite the dulling, perfect word. But benefits outweigh this so still using.

    16. Gatomon*

      I was on Wellbutrin, and later Lexapro in the past and I noticed a similar effect. All my negative emotions were gone, I didn’t really experience them at all. My positive emotions were dulled and fleeting.

  6. Something Blue*

    Hi! Does anyone know a way to download or store old text messages that doesn’t require you to be really tech savvy?

    I noticed my iPhone storage is almost full and the main category is “Other.” Since I don’t have a lot of photos on my phone, I suspect my text conversations are the culprit.

    I’d rather save them somewhere than delete them entirely but I don’t know much beyond the basics of how to use the phone.

    Any suggestions?

      1. Eeeek*

        You would have to take thousands of photos to save all your convos and then you’d just have thousands of pics taking up room.

    3. Anonymouse*

      So, I highly doubt that text messages are taking up a ton of storage on your phone. Words are not that much info.

      Pictures and videos eat up way more space. Check your different text threads for pics and videos that people sent you — I suspect that those are the culprits; I routinely go and delete the pics and videos that people text me and am always surprised by how many I accumulate.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        Yeah, for me its not the texts, but the GIFs sent in texts. Now I delete them after receiving.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      There’s an “SMS Backup & Restore” app for Android that I’ve used to both back up my phone and text activity and transfer it from an old phone to a new one, but I checked, and the one I use does not have an iPhone version. There may be one out there, but be careful, look for one with a lot of downloads, and check the reviews!

    6. MoopySwarpet*

      Have you cleared your caches recently? Also, check which apps are large and how much of that is “documents & data”. The ones that are big *might* contain cached data. If those are things like streaming apps or apps you log in to (Netflix, Facebook, pandora, Spotify, etc.) you can delete them and reinstall and that will often reduce their cache (which is partially stored in other).

      As far as text messages, screenshots are good for saving, but will take up way more space than the original messages and won’t be searchable. I also agree the pictures/videos are likely the cause of the bloat. You can go into a message, touch their name, touch the info icon, scroll to the bottom, see all photos, and the select to choose which ones to delete (or to save somewhere else).

      More detailed directions on clearing the cache in link to follow.

    7. Eeeek*

      They’re probably on the cloud can you log in and check? Most iPhones auto sync all the content to your cloud

    8. li na*

      Look into the program iMazing! You have to buy it but you can export your messages as a PDF or plain text and it has a lot of other useful features as well.

    9. Gatomon*

      Your text messages should be stored in iCloud – check to see that you have it enabled and syncing. If you search for “What does iCloud back up?” you should find an Apple article with more details on what that saves and how to ensure it’s enabled.

      If that other category is truly crazy large you might have some file corruption. It looks like my iPhone is using 7GBs for other, but I have a 128GB model and lots of space left to grow. I remember it being much more of a headache back when 16GB was the default storage size.

      After you’ve verified that iCloud is saving your text messages, I’d recommend doing a backup to a computer (to save your other stuff) and then restoring your iPhone from that backup to clear it out quickly. There are some articles about clearing the cache in various spots but I think this is still the easiest method if you have a bit of time to let it sit and do its thing. If you’re unable to install updates wirelessly due to a lack of storage space, plugging into a computer should help you get around that too.

    10. Something Blue*

      Thank you all! I will look into these and hopefully find the culprits taking up the space!

  7. Myrin*

    Thanks to the fact that I know the musical Cats by heart, reading the titles of this post’s pictures, I immediately thought “we make our toilet and take our repose” – which is an appropriate sentiment for your cats but not for me because now I have the damn Jellicle Ball stuck in my head at eight on a Saturday morning.

    2. Analyst Editor*

      Did you like the new movie? Is it worth seeing? I love the old one, which is how I even learned about the musical in the first place, when it was on PBS.

      1. Myrin*

        I haven’t seen the new movie (the one I know by heart is the 1998 film) and only saw some memes about it floating around so I honestly can’t say anything about it other than that people said it’s bad and weird – I personally only saw some stills and found the costumes kinda creepy and unsettling but that naturally doesn’t say much.

        1. Mimmy*

          Oh I LOVE the 1998 film! The only Grizabella I’ll accept is Elaine Paige (sp?), end of story. Her version of Memory brings me to tears every. single. time.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I love that song but I have never seen Cats on stage or film. I think I’d prefer to see it on stage the first time.

        2. MysteryFan*

          I have a friend who saw the new Cats, and she said the dancing was amazing.. but she would never have recognized the songs without listening hard for the lyrics. apparently the music has changed!

      2. Forensic13*

        There’s a YouTuber I really loved named Lindsay Ellis who does movie studies-adjacent discussion of things like Disney and the Transformers movies. She just did a great video called “Why is Cats?” about why it works as a musical and not as a movie and some discussion about theater vs movie musicals in general. She’s really interesting and funny!

        1. Mimmy*

          I am definitely going to look that up (when I have the time…). Does she mention the most recent movie adaptation of Les Miserables? It helped me to understand the story better but very much disliked the close-up singing.

      3. sat morning blues*

        I love the actual musical, and the ’98 movie. the 2019 movie … isn’t bad but isn’t great. I think a lot of the hate it got was from people who wouldn’t have liked the original musical. “it has no plot”. Yes, it has very little plot. If you were expecting an intricate detailed plot, you’ve come to the wrong place. However I don’t think it was super-terrible. On a scale of 5, I’d give it a 3. I’m glad I saw it. There *is* some absolutely fantastic dancing in it. (by a principal at the Royal ballet). There is some fabulous acting in it. When I left the theatre, I got talking to a couple who were going to come back the next day to rewatch. So, there are some fans.

      4. curly sue*

        Hahahahah oh G-d no.

        We downloaded and watched it and I cannot begin to describe how awful this thing is. It’s incomprehensibly bad, and deeply uncomfortable to watch. And I say this as someone who has willingly watched every X-Headed Shark Attack sequel that’s been made. This isn’t even laughably bad, it’s Great Old Ones Peering Into Your Soul Unwatchable Bad. We didn’t make it through to the ending.

        1. curly sue*

          (And I was obsessed with the musical from age 6 to 14 or so, have seen it on stage multiple times, and own the film of the stage show. This isn’t an ‘I hate CATS’ thing, this is a ‘this movie is an abomination of filmcraft’ thing.)

  8. Taylor Made*

    I saw this question on the Friday work thread and thought I’d ask it over here: what’s one minor, frivolous thing you miss since starting social distancing? Personally, I miss my local theater and the little diner nearby that I’d go to after watching a particularly good movie. My Netflix subscription and mediocre grilled cheese sandwiches don’t really compete.

    1. Marion Ravenwood*

      I miss being able to go and get coffee when I’m out – just passing by a coffee shop and stopping in for a cup if I feel like it. Yes I’ve been making my own to take on walks etc but again it isn’t the same.

      I also miss being able to run to the small supermarket near my flat for one or two things, rather than a trip to the bigger store once a week and having to plan it like a military operation.

        1. WellRed*

          I got up early yesterday and treated myself to Dunkin drive through for coffee. So sick of making my own.

          1. Thankful for AAM*

            I have been debating this all day today. I want some puzzles and don’t want to risk someone’s life so I can have a puzzle and stave off boredom for a few hours.

      2. Improbably Bob*

        Second to the supermarket trips! I’m going every 7-10 days and I long for the day when I can, once again, just pop in to pick up some milk.

    2. The Witch of the Wilds*

      Impulsive Amazon purchases. I like to treat myself fairly often to a new book or movie but I’ve been trying to be respectful and responsible as of late. When I bought cat litter a week ago, I threw in a few books and spent the next few days feeling worried that some poor Amazon employee was going to judge me for ordering manga & the Witcher books during a pandemic. And, though things have normalised a bit, there were a few things I really wanted that were projected to be delayed until May which was really sobering.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        The chocolate egg controversy made me give pause about what I’m ordering online. I’ve bought a few books from an indie bookstore across the country that uses USPS to ship, and while online orders are important for keeping them afloat during this time, part of me felt really guilty for doing so because me receiving new books are not more important than someone else receiving prescriptions or masks in the mail. USPS has been extremely delayed due to the large volume of packages. I now worry about whether I’m doing more harm or good when indulging in treats.

      2. Ann Onny Muss*

        Yeah. I miss not debating if a purchase is really necessary or not. And if I’m being an asshole by buying something not strictly 100% necessary.

      3. Ranon*

        If you live in the US and want to impulse book shop, try Bookshop.org- they’re only doing books (and some toys/ misc bookstore type goods) and some of the profits go to indie bookstores

        1. Irene Beyond*

          I’ve been ordering all my books and puzzles from different indie bookstores – found by googling. Also bears from ‘plush in a rush’ to put in my windows for kids doing the ‘beat hunt’

          1. Ranon*

            Bookshop.org is a new online storefront for a lot of indie bookstores (including our local one) added bonus they carry Melissa & Doug toys, Green Toys, and Gund plushes! It’s not the easiest to browse but with the right search terms I’ve found they carry pretty much everything an indie bookstore would

        2. knead me seymour*

          I’m in Canada, and a lot of our independent bookstores are offering free local delivery. I’m guessing that’s probably the case in other areas as well, so for anyone who’s looking to do some extra reading, you might want to do a search to see if you can support your local bookstore and avoid overtaxing Amazon at the same time. Anecdotally, my locally ordered books came really fast, too.

        3. The Original K.*

          Co-signing bookshop.org. I was just turned onto them a couple of weeks ago & just received my order from them a few days ago. I love local bookstores and it feels great to support them. (Not as good as browsing one in person, but these are the times we live in.) I intend to make them my go-to for online book purchases going forward.

    3. Elenna*

      I think I said “the Tim Hortons in the first floor of my workplace” in the Friday thread and yeah, that’s true, but also I really miss being able to just pop out to the grocery store to get that one thing that was missed that you suddenly realize you want. My mom bought a ton of bagels today and I was like “you know, I really wish we had more than one tub of cream cheese. Oh well, guess we can’t get any for another two weeks or so until our next grocery run…”

    4. Princess Deviant*

      Going for a coffee in the coffee shop, while I sit in a comfy chair, watching the world go by and reading a book.

      Btw, not the same thing at all and you may not enjoy it because it certainly lacks the intimacy of the theatre, but the National Theatre have a recorded play on their YouTube channel every Thursday available for a week
      This week’s is Treasure Island. I haven’t seen it yet, but last week’s was Jane Eyre and it was incredible.

    5. Misty*

      My coffee shop. Every morning before I drove I would stop at my local coffee shop. They have really cheap coffee but it’s really good and since I went at least three to five times a week at 6am, I used to talk to the baristas every morning. I got a lot of social interaction from that.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        I often think it would be nice to meet for a coffee with some of the regulars here.
        I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time. (I read your post below.
        Your roommate sounds like the most selfish man alive.)
        Take care misty.

    6. Djuna*

      Sitting in a coffee shop, drinking good coffee and watching the world go by.
      Mostly (if I’m honest) the watching the world go by part.
      That, and the ambient noise.

      I can make good coffee at home, I can sip it with a stream of “coffee shop ambiance” playing, but it’s just not the same. It’s missing the people.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I need to buy some more coffee, as the last pack I have is one I was saving for a special occasion.

        Walking around an empty town centre feels odd, especially on a Saturday, when you can’t move for people. Also not be able to “Just pop in and have a look round” shops.

        Admittedly I have saved quite a bit of money during the lockdown, but I would still like to get my new washing machine. (See previous weekend posts for the saga) Some measures are being relaxed, and DIY stores can open from Monday, but that still doesn’t help with purchasing a washing machine!

        1. Djuna*

          I hope you can get that sorted!
          Hassle-free clean clothes are more important than fancy coffee to me too.

    7. blackcat*

      Our local breakfast joint. We’d go once every 2-4 weeks, and the owner/main waitress has doted on my son his entire life.

      1. Jdc*

        Me too!! We have a great place a block from our house. I want their skillets so bad. Also They make a biscuits and gravy omelette that is surely 12000000 calories but so good.

        Funny thing. I read this article a while back about American foods foreigners tried and love and biscuits and gravy was the number one answer. Go figure.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          I LOVED biscuits and gravy when I had it in the US recently. Definitely something I want to try and recreate at some point!

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      This coffee shop in my neighborhood (that doubles as a restaurant at night) would make hot trays of scones (blueberry-lemon and cranberry-orange usually) in the morning so you could drink your coffee and have a *warm* scone. I miss that.

    9. CoffeeforLife*

      I miss going to Orange Theory. It blows my budget, but I went daily. I don’t/won’t exercise at home so i needed the ritual or getting dressed and going somewhere. I WFH so it was part of my morning routine and helped me set the pace for the day.

    10. Kate Daniels*

      Visiting the library (and the relaxing, peaceful walk along the lake to get there). I had a routine where I’d go every week to pick up new holds and return books. Since I’ve been stuck at home and the library has been closed, I’ve bought three books. I like supporting indie bookstores, but not so much the “loss” of $60 that I otherwise would not have spent. (I have a e-reader, but I greatly prefer physical books.) I’m a minimalist and don’t like to keep a lot of stuff so I’ve also been feeling guilty by this waste of money. Sadly, the parks and paths by the lake are also all blocked off, too.

      1. Ice Bear*

        If it helps with the guilt, think of that $60 as a donation – as a minimalist you’ll probably donate those books when you’re done with them and someone else will get to enjoy them who might otherwise been unable to.

        1. Kate Daniels*

          That’s true! I plan to put them in the Little Free Library that rarely sees new books when the park reopens.

      2. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

        I desperately miss popping in to the library. The librarian always has perfect recommendations for me, we enjoy chatting about what our adult children are up to, and then I usually stop in a coffee shop to start one of the books.

        1. Kuododi*

          I’ve been in the same position in my corner of paradise. Our local library recently built a magnificent huge new branch that is a book lovers paradise. For all of the Dr Who fans, this new branch of the library is like the TARDIS. (It’s bigger on the inside!!!).
          Best of all it’s approximately 10 min from my house. Sadly enough, our entire library system is closed and they are still using the terms “indefinite future,” in reference to when we can look for it to reopen. GRRR!!! I do miss quality time at the library. My little slice of heaven.

    11. Retail not Retail*

      Libraries!

      The local university does free “community cards” and I got one in mid-February and wandered the stacks before overloading with ten books. The due date got indefinitely postponed so I haven’t been back.

      I can browse overdrive but it’s not the same.

    12. Lady Jay*

      Being able to pick out a running spot w/o worrying about how many people will be there. Suddenly all my favourite, remote, single-track trails have become hotbeds of activity, and I avoid them. I’ve been running in more crowded or non-designated running spots, lately.

    13. Retail not Retail*

      It wasn’t a regular thing, but clothes shopping at goodwill.

      Someone in October – not naming names – looked at her raggedy work shorts and said i’ll take care of this before the warm weather returns. Well it’s back and I have to settle for the ones that aren’t as comfortable or have deep enough pockets. Ordering something online fitted like shorts isn’t appealing because I can’t tell important things like the weight of the fabric.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Sorry of the reverse of this, but I miss being able to go to Goodwill to drop off donations! I live in a small studio apartment, and one of my tricks to keeping things tidy is to regularly declutter and donate. The stuff piling up is making me anxious because I have nowhere to take it for the indefinite future.

        1. Nicole76*

          I miss both things – browsing Savers (similar to Goodwill), and being able to drop off my donations. I have been cleaning and decluttering like mad lately because it helps relieve stress and boredom for me. Luckily I have a garage to store things in, but I also want to declutter THAT once the weather warms up.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Both! Both of these. Our local St. Vincent DePaul thrift store is WONDERFUL, the cleanest, neatest, most well-organized little thrift store, and we both take donations there and find amazing deals there. I definitely have had the thought several times in the last few weeks that I’d love to be able to take a trunkload of stuff there and then have a browse!

        3. LizB*

          I also miss both sides of this! I’m doing a bunch of decluttering and organizing, which feels really good but it’s annoying that I can’t get the extra stuff all the way OUT of the house and to a donation center. And since I have so much time on my hands, this would be an ideal opportunity for some leisurely thrifting to build up my spring and summer wardrobe… but nope.

        4. Filosofickle*

          I’m actively avoiding “clear out” activities right now because of this! I can’t live with donation bags in the hall for weeks/months on end, and it’s not clear what will happen to donations in the immediate aftermath. Will they be accepted? Will people be willing to bring things home in a viral world?

          If I can clean/straighten it, YES. If it can go in my trash or recycle bins, YES. If the project needs new bins/storage devices or will create giveaways that can’t go easily on Buy Nothing, NO. Kind of a bummer because I feel ready to shed some shoes. But nope.

        5. Marion Ravenwood*

          Same here. I have three boxes of stuff from my pre-moving clear out currently sitting at the end of my bed, which in normal times would have gone to the charity shop by now. There are still a couple of companies online that will send you donation bags for clothes which you can then just post back, so that will help a bit, but there’ll still be at least one box of books and mugs coming with me.

        1. Filosofickle*

          My Buy Nothing group is pretty active right now with so many clearing things out plus needing different things. Food, puzzles, books, crafting, etc are all being shared via porch pickup. For my items, I’m offering lots of time to pick up so they can combine it with essential errands and not make an extra trip. (I’m sure there are members who are not participating out of concern for transferring the virus between homes.)

      3. Elizabeth West*

        Oh yesssss just going to the flea market and wandering around, even if you don’t buy anything. I miss that a lot.

      4. Alexandra Lynch*

        The project for the year was weight loss.
        I’m doing fine with that, despite the pandemic; apparently my psyche decided that if I didn’t have control over anything else I did have control of what I put in my mouth, so staying on the new eating plan isn’t a problem.
        But when you lose weight, your old clothes don’t fit. And while I’m able to buy new clothes as I go downward, I hate like blazes to just get rid of perfectly good clothes that are barely worn because I was in a size 18 for a month. I boxed them up and either my girlfriend will wear them when she drops in size or I’ll donate them eventually. I’m moving this spring, though, and hate to haul anything extra. (sigh)

        1. Retail not Retail*

          Ah my mom’s in the same boat and i fit in her old clothes. Except I’ve had this job a year and killed the khaki shorts. All that’s left are women’s pants which aren’t tough enough or properly pocketed.

          I ordered shorts through work and they go below my knee and they weigh almost as much as my pants to the point that on a mild December day I was able to survive in them after a great pair of pants got the rip of doom.

    14. AngelicGamer, the Visually Impaired Peep*

      I miss my weekly routine of getting out of the house to go to Starbucks and the library, which also included a quick pop in at the small grocery store for more green bananas.

    15. Overeducated*

      Not having to navigate so much interpersonally on walks around the neighborhood. I basically can’t take my kid out on a scooter after work because the sidewalks are so busy we have to go into the street a lot (which is fine when I’m a solo runner, not so much with a small child). It’s nobody’s fault, I think people around here seem much more considerate than social media would indicate, there are just a lot of us.

      Parks being closed doesn’t help. It’s been a glorious spring. I hope some can reopen before the full heat of summer.

    16. TimeCat*

      I miss going to the grocery store without a plan in mind and making something random.

      I miss afternoon coffee runs.

    17. Anony Nony Mousey*

      I miss, in no particular order:
      -Spicy Korean hotpot stews
      -Sunbutter protein bites from Trader Joes (we’ve gone there 3 times, and left the parking lot without going in, since the line’s out the door and around the store)
      -Spicy ramen noodles (the really good kind, like Shin ramen or Neoguri)
      -Being able to plan a trip somewhere
      -Sleep (anxiety, somewhat…)
      -Long walks in the crowded summery public park near the lake

      1. ThatGirl*

        Just a note, I went to our Trader Joe’s yesterday, they had a line but it looked longer than it was because of spacing people out. It only took me 5 minutes or so to get in. They’re just waiting for someone to come out.

    18. Parenthetically*

      I miss the LIBRARY. I can check out books for my kindle, which is fine, but I miss just going and browsing and finding something interesting to read, or grabbing the next mystery in the series I’m reading, or flicking through a magazine while sipping a coffee from the beautiful cafe in my library.

      1. Emily*

        Same!

        My library system also has physical but not electronic copies of some of the things I want to read. Overdrive and Libby are great, but not a full replacement.

    19. Laura H.*

      I miss being able to get away from the house to have a lunch to myself or with friends…. however, my wallet is liking the lesser demand on it. (I acknowledge that this is a luxury a lot of folks don’t have, so I won’t go any further on that.)

    20. And this from a cat person*

      Petting my neighbors’ dogs. There are a lot of dog owners in my neighborhood with really sweet dogs. Walking is my preferred form of exercise, and I would often briefly chat with a dog walker and pet her dog. I can still chat from a distance but I miss petting the dogs.

    21. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I just miss standing around talking to people. That’s usually the highlight of my day, social interaction. And while I do not live alone, I am the sole extrovert in a house of introverts!

      1. Parenthetically*

        I went to a grocery store a couple weeks ago and had a LOVELY chat with the checkout clerk that was absolutely the highlight of my day. I definitely miss chit-chat.

        1. Filosofickle*

          Chatting with strangers is surprisingly energizing for this introvert, because it’s so short. Then it’s fun! Larger, longer, or more “important” people events are super draining for me but a few minutes with a delightful stranger is the perfect amount of interaction. I miss that too.

        2. Sparrow*

          I donated blood last week, and the chit chat with the blood drive staff improved my mood so much!

    22. Lore*

      I woke up this morning desperately missing the kind of Saturday where I do laundry and treat myself to the fancy coffee at the place near the laundromat and then do my errand loops that include the library and the farmers market and the gym and the four-store grocery combo (specialty middle eastern grocery, produce market, regular supermarket, Trader Joe’s)—and after all of that it’s inevitably 5:30 and I’m irritated that the whole day is gone and I did nothing relaxing or fun. But it’s all I want right now.

      1. Elenna*

        I miss going to more than one grocery store! The other weekend my mom bought ingredients for tiramisu, but she couldn’t find whipping cream, and there was a bunch of debate about whether we could go to another store for it, whether that was really essential, whether it was okay if my dad did it while picking up his prescription (our pharmacy is inside the grocery store), whether his prescription was even ready, whether there was any point to this discussion since the other store might not have it either…. And then they ended up having apple cake instead for their wedding anniversary.
        (And then I messed up the apple cake and it didn’t rise for some reason. :( but that’s a different story)

    23. Anon Accountant*

      Going to Panera with my friends. We eat, get coffee and hang out socializing. We are in a small town with few options and look forward to sitting outside of Panera, talking and laughing.

    24. Llama Face!*

      I can’t choose just one, sorry. So I have two:

      Being able to order a coffee drink in one of my favourite coffee shops where the baristas all know me and we have a friendly rapport and then relaxing there while sitting and reading or journalling with all the quiet, pleasant people sounds around me.

      Going to the library! I am very slowly reading the few actual paper books I managed to snap up before the library shut down and supplementing them with a ton of ebooks. But there is just something different about going to the library and choosing a book by reading the blurb on an actual physical object. I miss it so much! And I miss our very nice city librarians.

    25. LQ*

      I really really miss brunch. I’d go every week with my aunt and it was a really good social thing for me. I’ve lost that. And I’d often go Saturdays with a friend. So it was my social, my unwind, my favorite meal. But that’s big enough and hard enough of a loss of that social and human interaction that I don’t feel like it’s the frivolous thing. No, the frivolous part is that right about this time of year I’d go out by myself and eat outside (I’m in a cold cold-weather state) on the first even slightly “nice day” which we’ve had and be really snitty in my head about being able to handle the weather when everyone else is fair weather. A super petty and quite delightful thing I indulge in 2 times a year, the first outside eat and the last of the year. And I missed it.

    26. MayLou*

      This is a really interesting question for me because I think the answer is… there isn’t one. The only things I’m missing feel big: I miss the baby I nanny for, I miss physical contact with someone who isn’t my dog, and I miss being reasonably confident that my presence in the vicinity of other people isn’t potentially fatal. Most of my small pleasures were already home-based. Hot chocolate, curling up with a book, watching my dog trot happily with his tail up on a walk, smelling fresh linen on the bed. I suppose one thing I do miss is going to a cafe for a hot chocolate and slice of cherry flapjack while the baby napped, although he’s now 18 months old so that is rarer! (He demands all the cherries if he’s awake, making a very cute “mmm!” noise and smacking his lips.)

    27. Aurora Leigh*

      So many things:
      The library!
      Going out to eat — take out is great, but it’s not the same.
      Dropping off Goodwill donations
      Aldi — we’re only shopping at Walmart right now so we can just make one stop.
      Movie night at my friends apt
      State parks!
      My in laws — we do their shopping and chat 6+ ft apart in their front yard when we drop stuff off, but it’s not the same

    29. lazy intellectual*

      I commented to this effect above, but I miss all aspects of nightlife. So I guess all of the frivolous things? Going out to eat and drink on the weekends was how I spent my weekends before this. I also miss going to the movies.

    30. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      We are members of a large botanical gardens destination, it used to be a DuPont estate. Each season has a brillant feature, going on now would be the tulip display, each year I’m amazed at their colors, varieties and differences. This is the first year since we’ve been members that we’ll miss it. We make a day of it and have lunch in their restaurant. I go once with my hubby and once with a friend. I know we’ll be back, just really missing it right now.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        My mum volunteers at the one here. She dragged me to see the orchid show not too long before everything crashed. It was pretty cool. They didn’t have any monkey-face ones out, darn it, but there were some really pretty ones I’d never seen before.

    31. Wired Wolf*

      Too many to count…but mainly just wandering downtown. I don’t drive so any place I want to go now I have to coordinate with my mom and mostly it’s “do we really need to go there” …um, no but for some reason I don’t like walking in my neighborhood, I have to go somewhere with something interesting. She’s not into driving someplace “just to walk” so a lot of the nearby trails are out.

      Popping into a store just to grab a coffee or other random food item, or just browsing/chatting with employees I know.

    32. puffle*

      Going to one of the local National Trust properties to stroll around their beautiful gardens. I often order a cream tea in the cafe and enjoy it outdoors with a good book.

      Also like just about everyone else in this thread, my local library. I usually have a lie in on Saturday mornings then wander down to the library 5 mins walk) to pick up some books for the weekend. Browsing ebooks just isn’t the same

    33. London Calling*

      Breakfast at my local restaurant – avocado on toast with a poached egg, or if I’m feeling decadent, avocado with smoked salmon and hollandaise, plus a a large americano.

    34. Elizabeth West*

      I miss going to Alamo Drafthouse. There is supposed to be one opening here, but it’s been taking forever, and the stupid coronavirus will make it take even longer.

    35. AnotherAlison*

      As the lone introvert at my house, I think that this is weirdly worse for me socially than my husband. The small doses of human interaction at work and the gym and the cycle gang were what I needed. I miss the people there, but I wasn’t the type to take those acquaintances to the friend level where I can call them and chat now. Lesson learned?

      1. London Calling*

        Yeahhhhh… I’m seeing the true colour for the first time in years and it’s grey. Or at least, seems to be silver, which isn’t so bad.

      2. Tau*

        I have a pixie cut and the last time I got it cut was in January. I was going to make an appointment sometime in March. Regret. So much regret.

        1. London Calling*

          I couldn’t get an appointment at my usual salon for my cut and colour so went to a little local one the weekend before UK lockdown for a trim to tide me over. The stylist interpreted ‘short, please’ very generously and I’m so glad she did.

    37. WineNot*

      I miss picking a recipe I want to make that night and going to the grocery store same-day to buy whatever random ingredients it calls for that I need. I haven’t been to a grocery store in over a month, but the thought it shopping for specific recipes sounds amazing right now, rather than getting creative with what I have in the house.

      1. Wired Wolf*

        I tend to go to the store, see/pick up interesting ingredients and try to find a recipe on my phone while I’m there. Planning meals more than a few hours ahead is alien to me.

    38. knead me seymour*

      I’m fortunate to live really close to a really beautiful seaside walk, which I used to walk along at least once a day. Unfortunately it’s such a popular walking spot that I haven’t been there since social distancing started.

    39. Alexandra Lynch*

      I miss going to used book stores with my loves. We love used book shopping so much one of their Christmas presents were canvas bags with quotes on them about it. (Things like “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy books, and that’s sort of the same thing.”)

      We’d go to the used book stores and then to Steak n Shake and then home for a peaceful afternoon spent with our new books reading.

    40. KR*

      Coffee and restaurants. Farmers markets (ours are still open but obviously it’s risky). Going to the store just for the hell of it. I want to buy plants but don’t want to make an unnecessary trip to Home Depot or the nursery. I know you asked for one thing but here we are.

    41. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Shopping for plants and other garden stuff. It’s a small irony that I now have the time to do the total garden revamp that I’ve been putting off for years, but I am limited to the things I can buy without going into town or propagate from existing plants. Garden centres are open but I’d need to get on the train or bus to get there, and I have a supermarket in my neighbourhood that has everything I need so I have no reason to go.

    42. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I miss watching TV with other people! Left to my own devices, I rarely watch tv, but I have various series that I watch with specific other people. Everything my dad and I were watching is just piling up on his DVR and I have no idea if I’ll even remember where we were in anything by the time we get back to visiting again. Similarly, there’s a box set of a ridiculous tv show a friend and I have been slowly working through when out schedules allow, and I have no idea when we’ll be able to do that again. (Yes, I’ve heard of the Nexflix Party Chrome extension. None of us has Netflix. Dad is still old-school paying for cable, and my friend and I buy things on DVD rather than streaming services because it works out better for when you want to watch something specific slowly since once you buy it it won’t disappear.)

      I also miss doing laundry at my dad’s house. This was going to be the year I finally re-did some of the plumbing at my house and got my good washer and dryer moved in, but that got derailed since this is not the time to start a home remodel so I’m stuck with an ancient washer that causes the terrible floor drain to back up when it drains and line-drying everything. I’d been going over to my dad’s house once a week and doing laundry there as a stopgap, but I’m not doing that now and am stuck with the lousy set-up at my place. (I have a bucket in the utility sink to stage out the water from the washer to keep the floor drain from overflowing, but this is all just unnecessarily annoying compared to using a modern washer and dryer with reasonable plumbing.)

      I also miss drinking. I have plenty of booze here at home, but drinking by myself at home is not at all the same as drinking with friends and I just can’t get up any enthusiasm for it.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Oh I forgot about the remodelling. It’s a small thing but I was going to get a new bath tub installed last month. I’ve been wanting to replace it ever since we bought this house, 11 years ago. I finally had the money and the time. Maybe this fall?

    43. The Other Dawn*

      I miss being able to just browse around a store, even the grocery store, just because I feel like wasting some time. Back surgeries were last month so I wouldn’t have been out very much anyway. But I’ve been out even less because of COVID, which means I’ve been much less active for the last seven weeks than I would have normally been. If I was able to just get out of the house and browse some stores, I’d be walking much more than I am. Sure, I can walk around the yard or the neighborhood, but we’ve been dealing with a lot of wind, rain, cold, and even snow the other day.

    2. NoLongerStuckInRetailHell*

      What’s a “foster fail”? Is it someone deciding to adopt the animal they are fostering because they can’t bear to give it up? I wouldn’t consider that a “fail”. How about “foster to forever” instead?

      1. Chelsea G*

        Yes, that’s exactly what it is. It’s intended to be a bit of a humorous recognition of the situation, but there is a kernel of truth to the name.

        It’s a “fail” because the whole point of fostering is for the animal to go on to another home, and because each time it happens it reduces the number of foster placements available which makes it harder to care for all the other pets who could go on to be adopted after a suitable fostering. Most people don’t foster fail on one pet and keep fostering others. They realise they are likely to keep foster failing, so they stop fostering altogether. Which is fine – people get to choose what works for them, obviously! – but from the perspective of the shelters trying to work for all the pets, each failed foster placement makes things just a little harder. When one of my fosterers calls to say they’ve foster failed and want to adopt, I’m happy for them, but sad for us. That’s one less option for all the other animals I’m trying to get ready for adoption. One cat adopted from a foster fail may mean another five or six cats that year just don’t get the fostering that would make them adoptable. Great for the one, not so much for the many. That’s not the foster failure’s fault! It’s just how it is. There simply aren’t enough fosterers for all the animals that need them. So yeah, there is a little failure involved.

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          I just foster failed and that weighed heavily in my decision. I told the agency that I can do temp fosters and puppies since they are quickly adopted. Until our geriatric dog passes I can only do the two and it makes me sad (and feel like a failure)

          1. Dog Fosterer*

            Please don’t feel too guilty! We do the best we can, and rescues can’t expect every foster to be perfect. If you have fostered previously, or will foster again (which you plan to do), then that matters most to me. I’m not a fan of people who foster once and clearly planned to fail on their first one. Some people don’t do well at fostering (Alison as an example admits it openly :) and that’s totally fine, but others take up a lot of resources and then adopt the animal and completely disappear. When I joined, I told my rescue that I planned to adopt a dog, yet was clear that a big criteria was a dog who would be good with foster dogs, as I wanted to continue (so I specifically wanted to adopt a dog I had fostered as I needed to trust their skills with other dogs).

            I think it’s good for foster homes to take breaks sometimes, and some of those are forced on us by circumstance. Enjoy your break, try to not feel guilty, and hopefully you will foster again (but not too soon in your case).

            1. CoffeeforLife*

              Thank you :) I have done several fosters and they were placed in great homes so I do feel like I helped. My fail wasn’t much of a choice- she has trust issues but bonded to me and is a velcro dog. I don’t think she would respond well to a new family.

              1. Dog Fosterer*

                Right, I forgot the other caveat:
                Anyone who adopts (foster fails) with a difficult animal should be completely free of any feelings of guilt. Alison takes in the harder cats too.

                I feel slightly guilty because I have ‘failed’ with the best animals. I foster quite a few, and I pick the best of the bunch to live with me. Yet I like to work with the more difficult animals (dogs and cats) so I want my forever ones to be easy for me to care for and also a model for good behaviour. Neither is perfect, but I know their weaknesses and they are good with most other animals (my dog is reactive with aggressive dogs, which I’m mindful of when walking off-leash, but the rescue doesn’t foster aggressive dogs).

            2. Bibliovore*

              Oh, I was a foster fail on my first placement but felt a little set up to fail. The dog was a super anxious, obviously under nourished, 8 lb, somewhere around 10 to 12 years old, blind in one eye, two bad back legs, a mouth-full of rotted teeth. Her entire rescue group had been adopted and she was the last one. Hates people and other dogs. Spent her first year with us hiding behind the couch. The rescue basically told her there was no hope for her. I probably will foster when she leaves this earth but no guarantees that it will be successful given my track record.

              1. Four-legged Fosterer*

                Oh goodness, that’s awful of the rescue! We always start out new people with something easy, and sometimes the easy ones surprise us with bad behaviours or health, but your first one must have been known to be a problem. I’m sorry you experienced that! I am much more disappointed with dishonest rescues than dishonest adopters or foster families, as essentially you were being so kind and they took advantage of it by making your life really complicated, and guilting you into adopting this dog. I am so sorry!

                1. Bibliovore*

                  on the other hand. Took her to the vet. All her teeth were pulled. I cook her food for her, a stewish mix. She now barks to let us know the postal carrier came. (I thought she was de-barked because all she made was whimpering sounds) She calmed down significantly after the first year and has become a real snuggle bunny with us. (still doesn’t like visitors or people) Has a few dog pals in the neighborhood that she doesn’t bolt from. There will be no playing but there is a brief acknowledgment of their existence. And she uses the pee pad near the front door. (the indoor out door thing was too much of a challenge so at least she knows “where to go”)
                  So it is an alls well that ends well. And I don’t know how I would be getting through “these times.” without her.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes, that’s exactly it! The thing that made us finally submit to failing with Hank and Shadow was that we realized we couldn’t foster again regardless of whether or not we kept them (because we were finding it so upsetting to part with them, largely because it felt like re-traumatizing Shadow, who was just starting to not be terrified). So we figured the rescue was losing us as a foster home either way. But I still do feel guilty about it. (In our defense, I’d originally contacted them about something else* and they talked us into fostering, even after I warned them we were terrible at it.)

          * The something else was that I’d seen on their Facebook page a cat they’d rescued who’d been in a shelter cage for seven years, and so I contacted them to say that if they came across another cat in a similar situation, we would take them. Which we still would. I mention this in case anyone else wants to tell their local rescue groups something similar!

          1. tangerineRose*

            I don’t think you should feel guilty about it. You gave them a great home, and it sounds like Shadow is really coming out of his shell. Shadow and Eve might never have found a happy home if you hadn’t taken them in.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Oh no, that poor little cage kitty. :'(

            This is why I scream SPAY AND NEUTER at everyone I see.

          3. Dog Fosterer*

            Not everyone does well with fostering, and if you forewarned the rescue then you are better than most.

            You should definitely have no guilt – people who take in the harder cases are wonderful people, whether or not they foster or adopt.

            I would describe you as ‘foster to adopt’, which is a totally fair way to do things too! We do these rarely, and they tend to happen with harder cases and previous adopters, when we know it’s a good match from the start. They don’t directly adopt because the animal needs some care for a while, so stays as a foster until they are healthy.

      2. hermit crab*

        The rescue I foster for calls them “foster wins”! But we’re in a big urban/suburban area with no shortage of potential foster placements.

      3. Dog Fosterer*

        I’m in an area with enough foster homes (although there are too many cats that need help, but funds are the biggest hurdle), and we enthusiastically refer to fails as a joke. Technically they did fail at fostering, although the animal wins the jackpot with that home. It’s pretty much a silly joke in a community that often has a lot of frustrations.

    3. Lena Clare*

      All cats, like babies, are beautiful, LOL, but Shadow and Hank are sort of model-like!

      Hank really looks like my cat, Albert:
      https://twitter.com/Lena_Clare/status/1250169977413517314?s=20

      Alison – how do you keep his fur clean? Are all your cats indoor cats? Mine are both outdoor because they were feral when I got them.

      Albert’s grooming is a bit hit and miss as he gets older and it’s a real battle sometimes to get the matts out of his coat.

      I’ve found a brush he likes – the furminator! – but he won’t let me go underneath.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Oh wow, he really does look like Albert!

        They’re all indoor cats. We don’t do much to groom them — we brush them occasionally, but that’s about it. I thought Hank would need more because his fur is so long, but he doesn’t seem to. (We have a Furminator too though — that brush gets out a shocking amount of loose fur.)

        1. Lena Clare*

          Oh I thought it’d be because he’s an outdoor cat. He really comes in looking like a tree sometimes… the best is when slugs get tangled up in there /sarcasm font.

          I’ll just have to keep brushing him and take him to the vets for the worst bits when all this is over.

          And Furminators are great, aren’t they!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            SLUGS?? Blecch, that makes me glad Pig had short hair. She was firmly an outdoor cat no matter what I tried. Her favorite spots in summer were 1) under the hydrangea bush (that’s where I buried her), and 2) in the culvert pipe. Two very dirty spots, lol.

  10. Elenna*

    How are people sanitizing groceries? We obviously can’t use soap on anything that doesn’t come in a waterproof package. I’m not sure how much washing things in just water even helps but we’re doing it anyways. Some things can be left out for a few days but we’ve been washing and drying all the produce that needs to go in the fridge and it’s a pain. Thoughts?

    1. Rewe*

      Based on what I have read sanitizing groceries is not necessary. Then again the information changes all the time so could be that I’m already behind. But if wanting to sanitize I’d use a whipe on top of the boxes and water on fresh produce. But I think it would be most efficient to wash your hands after you’ve opened the package.

    2. Clementine*

      I am definitely not a virologist. But I put the produce together in one clean paper bag, and put it in the fridge. Then I wash the produce when I use it.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I haven’t been sanitizing or quarantining groceries or packages or deliveries or mail or any of it, to be honest.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I’m not sanitising my groceries either – just washing my hands when I come home from the supermarket and again after I put the shopping away. I am throwing away external packaging material and washing my hands afterwards, but it is making me feel very guilty to bin stuff that I know could be recycled in normal times.

          1. MatKnifeNinja*

            My city stopped all recycling, and told people not to hoard it up until the restrictions are lifted.

            The recycling center said if they get overloaded after the restrictions, they will shut down until has more room.

            Donation centers are all closed in mybarea too.

      2. Generic Name*

        Me neither. I do wipe down the grocery cart handle and wash my hands immediately after coming home, and again after putting away the groceries. But I don’t sanitize the groceries themselves. I wash produce as usual before cooking.

      3. Not This One*

        We also haven’t been sanitizing grocery products (either produce or things in packages). Like others, we wash hands as soon as we get home (not just from the grocery store, but any time we leave the house, although that’s really just grocery shopping and walking the dog). Obviously we rinse produce, but that was standard in our household even before coronavirus.

        I will say that I didn’t really research deeply the necessity (or not?) of sanitizing items that come into the home, except for reading clear guidance that washing produce with dish soap was not a recommended practice, period. Really it’s just the mail and some deliveries and the groceries.

      4. RagingADHD*

        Me neither.

        Though when we picked up the kids’ school supplies, I left them out in the car for a few days before bringing them in. Because school = germ central.

        FWIW, I have autoimmune disease and elevated blood pressure.

        I just haven’t seen any science supporting it, and the only way I know to stay sane is to stay evidence-based.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      I like to wash my produce when I bring it home (berries seem to last longer that way). I tried decanting all the bulky things (so much hand washing) but most of it went into our pandemic closet and are in quarantine :)

      I shopped on the 1st and was super stressed and asked partner to take lead on the putting away. I was just done and didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to do it.

      I’m hoping we can make it until May. Praying my coffee creamer holds out (store was out of my flavor last time).

    5. nep*

      Similar to others, I am more about making sure I wash my hands really well after being at the store and handling any packaging. And of course throughout the day, a lot. I wash the hell out of produce with soap and water; Lord knows how many people touched it in the store. I put my jacket in the dryer for 15 min or so when I get home from the grocery store, as it’s the item that might have touched things in the store like the little shelf at checkout.
      I hope this is sufficient. I’m all ears if someone has information that we should be washing or spraying all packaging that comes into the house.
      (Past couple of times I was out, I was all tight in the chest just from anxiety and I barely breathe in the store, even though I’m wearing a mask. I can’t go to more than one place at a time then I just want to race back home. I have a tough time envisioning a day that won’t be the case.)

      2. Alston*

        So what we do is have a corner of the floor in our kitchen called “quarantine corner.” Everything non perishable goes in there for about 3 days.

        Everything going in the fridge or freezer gets sprayed down. We bought a bottle of 96% Polish grain alcohol and put it in a spray bottle. Just spritz everything before if goes in the fridge. Stuff like berries get washed and put into a new container right away. But even like a clamshell of herbs gets sprayed with liquor.

        I have heard you probably don’t need to sanitize the grocceries, but I know several health care workers who are, and it makes me feel safer/doesn’t take very long.

        1. nep*

          Understandable, for sure. It’s not like anyone is a complete authority yet on how this virus operates.

        2. Worked in IT forever*

          Similar to your “quarantine corner,” we have “grocery jail” for our non-perishables. It’s part of a table and floor. We also let things sit for three days, which is theoretically enough for plastic packaging and more than enough for cardboard packaging. We could just wipe those things down, but if we don’t need them right away, letting them sit saves effort and wipes. Perishables get cleaned.

          I do hear wildly different perspectives from credible sources on the need for cleaning groceries, and at the beginning of the outbreak, we were doing nothing at all. I’m more nervous now.

          1. Alston*

            I like the name grocery jail.

            And yeah, first grocery shop I wiped things down, but realized quickly I would be out of wipes. The spray bottle of alcohol is working nicely.

    6. Oxford Comma*

      After freaking out and then reading a lot and talking to a friend with a background in virology, I am not really sanitizing groceries. I wipe down containers and I make sure to wash the produce extra well. Packages and mail I open and discard wrapping right away. I wash my hands a lot. But that’s it.

      1. Wired Wolf*

        I try to open packages in our vestibule and take the outer box to the trash room immediately before coming up to the apartment (especially since every AMZ warehouse has had cases reported) but my mom will bring everything up and plop the boxes/bubble envelopes–some of which are actually physically dirty from warehouse/road grime–on my bed -_-

        I get you’re trying to be helpful, but…NOT WHERE I SLEEP. Geez. And she’s the mildly immunocompromised one.

        1. Anono-me*

          Can you put a tub or something by the door and ask your mom to put everything there? (It might be helpful when discussing this with her to focus on how it will aid you in keeping track of everything, rather than on the covid-19 aspects.)

          Also is there something you can cover your bed with during the day? Maybe one of those picnic plastic tablecloth or something that you can easily sanitize and will protect your bed? Even if it turns out to have been more than what was necessary later, it will probably help you sleep better now.

          1. Wired Wolf*

            We do have a tub for shoes and stuff, she now wants to move the shoes into the coat closet so we can repurpose the tub for mail…we used to do that in our old two-bedroom. I think the problem stems from being in a one-bedroom temporarily; I don’t have an actual door (my “bedroom” is half of the living room). I’ll definitely push the “keeping things organized” angle again; I use my bed to photograph/pack my online sales (I do have an old mattress protector that I use for that) and accidentally shipping out something that she ordered would not be good.

    7. Not Alison*

      My thought is that it was really irresponsible of that Grand Rapids doctor to put out that video on sanitizing groceries and moreso for one of the main TV networks to report it on their evening national news. Unless you are in an area where the transmission has exploded, sanitizing groceries is likely a waste of both time and psychic energy (where it increases your worry about the virus). And, in fact, the national health agency recently came out saying that this was NOT necessary or useful.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Yep, there was a good Twitter thread a day or two later debunking it as overkill; the most important thing is washing your hands before you eat.

        Me, I’ve settled on wiping cardboard / plastic containers (like cereal boxes, pasta boxes, peanut butter jars, etc) down with a clorox wipe when I bring them in the house, because it’s easy and otherwise I wig myself out whenever I touch one in the process of making something to eat. But I leave produce to wash until right before I eat it.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Once the link goes through, do read the article I posted below — I found it so reassuring! Basically: viruses only die. They’re always dying. The cereal box in your cupboard that you brought home 3 or 4 days ago isn’t capable of making you sick, if it ever had live virus on it to start with.

          1. Lady Jay*

            Sure but I eat cereal the day after I bring it home from the grocery store, so there *could* still be live viruses on it. The point is, people get to err on the side of caution if that makes them feel more comfortable.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Absolutely! Everyone is going to come down in different spots on this. If it makes you feel better rather than making you feel obsessive or fixated or whatever, go for it.

        3. Ranon*

          Please don’t use cleaners on porous surfaces like cardboard, it’s unlikely you’ll get a virus from the surface but ingesting cleaners is definitely bad for you and porous surfaces can absorb the cleaner and it can contaminate your food (especially in the case where the packaging is just cardboard). Same with washing produce with soap- eating soap is definitely bad for you, the odds of catching covid19 from produce is almost certainly lower

        4. Anono-me*

          Have you considered removing the bag of cereal from the cereal box and discarding the cereal box right away?

          A couple of the multiple sites I research suggested discarding the outer packaging and only retaining the inner packaging for things like cereal and frozen pizza Etc ( But be sure to write down the cooking instructions on frozen meals.)

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I like to do this anyway — that is, when I have a kitchen and all my vintage Tupperware.

            1. Anono-me*

              I have no idea how people are able to retain both halves of Tupperware for any length of time much less long enough for it to be vintage.

              1. Elizabeth West*

                Oh, I bought it at the flea market. But yeah, how did they keep all the lids long enough to sell it? There was a booth in this one market in OldCity with a whole wall of Tupperware.

                1. TexasRose*

                  Don’t feel bad. The seller aggregated one person’s extra lids with another person’s extra bowls. Voila – it LOOKS like some super-organized individual could keep up the sets intact, when really it’s a mix-n-match display with the extras neatly stored away for later matching.

              2. Owler*

                I store mine with the lids on each container. This, of course, takes more space, but I don’t get frustrated by misplacing lids. Plus I’m more likely to use them if I can go to the cabinet and quickly find a set. I haaaaate having to sort through a bin of random lids.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Was that the guy who was supposedly enacting a return fron the store, where he sanitized his counters *before* bringing in the groceries, and then washed his hands *afterwards*?

        So he had touched everything in his kitchen before washing?

        And then used the same paper towel – the one he handled with his dirty hands – to wipe the packages with?

        Maybe it’s a different guy, but a friend sent me that one and my eyes about fell out of my head, I rolled then so hard.

    8. Jonah*

      I have been sanitizing, and I hadn’t heard anything about it being overkill until now. However, I know at least two employees at my grocery store tested positive this week, and my mom who’s extremely high risk lives with me, so I’ll probably continue to do so just for the peace of mind. She’s been bad about forgetting to wash her hands after touching things from the store lately.

      I just use a spray bottle with soapy water in it and a rag. So far, this has worked fine on everything. Even most cardboard packaging has a coating on the outside that’s somewhat water repellent these days.

    9. Parenthetically*

      Link to follow, but there’s no need to (attempt to) sanitize your groceries. Washing your hands is far more important than Clorox-wiping your Cheerios box or whatever.

    10. Kathenus*

      I wash produce and stuff going in the refrigerator, but my last shopping I put all the nonperishables in the bags in the corner and waited four days to use any of them. I know the ‘three days’ for the virus to remain on surfaces isn’t 100% proven, but it seemed a good rule of thumb for me to use.

    11. Irene Beyond*

      Sanitizing groceries: using a washable rag or paper towels and bleach spray. All items that are wrapped and need to go into refrigerator/freezer get a wipe down. All items that can be put on shelf for 3 days before use are ‘quarantined’ , items that are immediately needed get a wipe down, all fruit and veg are given a rinse and put away in crisper bins rinsed again when using. (Anything worn to shop is thrown into closed wash bag and shoes are left just outside of the door for 3days) It takes me about 15 min to get this all done/put away. I make the bleach spray using directions from CDC 1/3 cup bleach per gallon water

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My view is: I’m mentally and emotionally stable and (relatively) healthy. But there is a limit to what I can manage, even so. I’m not sanitizing groceries. Or the mail. Or the car. Or my shoes. Not unless things get a LOT worse where I am. I wear a mask when I go to the store. I’m trying not to touch my face until after I wash my hands well. And I’m limiting trips out to the minimum. I understand that others are doing differently, and that’s fine. They are not me.

      2. Not This One*

        This is how my household is handling it as well. The only places we go where there are people who aren’t us anymore are the grocery store and the park – and we’ve adjusted to maximize our social distancing by taking the pooch for her walk at 6 AM, when there are barely any people there.

    13. The pest, Ramona*

      We sanitize everything coming in the house. Full stop.
      And wash hands frequently. And wipe down all parts of the vehicle which was driven. And leave shoes outside.
      Yes, viruses die, but not always fast enough, so why risk it? And I have more peace of mind knowing the things inside the house are safe as I can make them. If it’s non – perishable we leave the goods (after wiping down) in the garage (yes,we are lucky to have a garage) until it is needed. Produce gets a long soak & wash. If it’s double wrapped, the outer wrap stays outside. And we wash our hands a lot.
      I will not take chances with this until we know more about covid 19. A lot of the info coming out is based on previous similar diseases, not specifically covid 19. Until the actual science on covid 19 is known I will remain cautious.

    15. Bluebell*

      Our non perishables are staying on the inside porch for 3 days. And the hardier veggies and fruits also stay out for a day or two. The dairy goes in the fridge after a quick Clorox wipe. Fruits and veggies are washed before prepping/cooking them. We wash hands before and after we eat. We are in the Boston area, so being pretty careful.

    17. A New Normal*

      All non-perishables go into our “quarantine room” (guest bedroom) for 2-3 days to let anything on them die off naturally. Perishables and anything we need immediately gets wiped down as well as possible. I know we’re beyond fortunate to have the space for a quarantine room and it’s probably more than overkill but we can do it so we might as well.

    18. Venus*

      Like most things in life, there is no absolute answer. It depends on how vulnerable your household is, and how prevalent the virus is within one’s community.

      I worry about my lungs, so I’m a bit more cautious. Yet I’m healthy right now, so I try to balance the risk with the effort. I take all plastic containers and put them in my sink with a bit of soapy water, and splash that around, then rinse. I remove things from cardboard boxes because they are double wrapped (granola bars). Those things only take a few extra minutes. There may be some virus on the produce, but it takes a lot of effort to clean and veggies go bad more quickly if washed before stored, so I put them straight in the fridge.

      Balance all the precautions based on your risk, your exposure, your energy levels, and your comfort level. There is no right or wrong answer!

    19. RagingADHD*

      I’m very careful about everywhere I touched, including the car doorhandles, my doorknob, keys, etc. I make sure that I wash properly and then sanitize all those contact surfaces in order so I don’t recontaminate my hands or anything else. And then wash again.

      But packages, no.

    20. Ann O.*

      Per what I’ve read about disinfection, water alone does not help. You need soap or a recognized disinfectant to affect the outer layer of the virus shell.

      I was washing down everything I could with dishwashing soap and water and quarantining cardboard boxes back in the beginning. But I’ve since relaxed on it after talking to some chemist friends and doing a lot of reading. With respiratory viruses, the main vector of transmission is air. Fomites are a secondary, and there’s apparently not strong evidence for fomite-based transmission outside of a health care setting.

      I started paying attention when I went grocery shopping, and it is just so unlikely that my groceries are going to come home with me with a significant viral load on them. If the air is that saturated, I’m going to have bigger problems… like the fact that I breathed it in! Especially now that people are masking in my area, the likelihood of someone coughing or sneezing on the groceries that I happen to take seems negligible.

      I’m still washing my hands, of course, and we never wore shoes inside the house in my home.

      Of course, the downside of reading for me is that while I am much more relaxed about fomites, I am much more concerned about ventilation and air quality! I’ve found it surprisingly difficult to find good info about that.

    21. Not A Girl Boss*

      I have always used an ozone generator to sanitize veggies I plan to eat raw.
      I use the “Roving Blue” brand puck. You stick it in water, turn it on to ozonate the water, then put the veggies in the water to soak for 5 minutes. Really easy and sooo much gross stuff comes off the veggies (dirt, etc). It works in the same way as chlorine does.
      Its saved us money in the long run because now I don’t feel the need to buy the pre-washed lettuce packs, I just buy the open heads of lettuce. Plus it makes the veggies stay fresher longer.

  11. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    For the record, this thread is NOT limited to fiction writing, any writing goes.
    Mine is going really nicely, wrote a lot of words two days ago!

    1. Akcipitrokulo*

      I’ve started using scrivener in hope it will help as I tend to jump about a bit and it would be nice to see where I have to fill in the gaps… but then I read some stuff as I was pasting it in and got depressed it wasn’t good!

      Hoping to write a scene a day this week.

    2. MistOrMister*

      As usual, mine is not going well. Ha!! Still doing a little journaling. Haven’t gotten back to the book because I find myself really wanting to tackle cleaning my house while I’m “trapped”. But I THOUGHT about my story!! For the first time in soooo long. Not sure if that counts, but I was excited. I hope that in 20 years once my house is clean, to fall back into the writing.

    3. Kate Daniels*

      Thanks for the note about how this thread isn’t limited to fiction! I’ve never participated before because I assumed it mostly was. I am writing a chapter for a book and am struggling to knock it out due to the distraction of everything going on in the world. I think I’m going to try the pomodoro technique to knock small sections at a time out that will hopefully add up to the entire chapter by next week.

    4. MissGirl*

      I just finished a huge round of edits and sent off to beta readers. Hopefully, they make my pages bleed.

      Side note, I get frustrated with people who post on critique groups then argue with everyone whose advice they disagree with. Someone posted a picture of a model and asked how to physically describe the person if they were a character. I suggested focusing on the physical characteristics that affect who the character is as a person or matters to the plot.

      I just got a rambling Facebook response about how she doesn’t want any negativity, it’s her book, and she wants certain things. She also had three panic attacks last night after posting because of how hard it was to put her question out there. I am really perplexed.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Some people have their own issues going on, way beyond what anyone else could be expected to anticipate or accomodate. O_o

    5. Laura H.*

      Slow. It’s going slow.

      I’m still wondering how I pounded out a chapter in two days three weeks ago and haven’t completed another since- and I’ve got 3 WIP chapters that I want to finish…

    6. LQ*

      I wrote the (likely throw away) start of a short story yesterday. It was maybe 200 words. But it’s the most nonwork words I’ve written in 2 years that I didn’t feel angry at. So I felt really good.

    7. King Friday XIII*

      I’ve got a serious case of Project Squirrel. Nothing I write on feels write after a day or two and I end up poking at something else, in the hopes anything will stick.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Hm, well I wrote a blog post, finished my screenplay treatment draft, and decided to hire someone to do a voice-over for a new book trailer a friend will show on his Roku channel. The first one was so dumb I felt compelled to replace it. All I have is PowerPoint, so I just do the best I can.

      I’ve engaged an actor I met in Cardiff when I visited Wales. He has a lovely voice. We agreed on a price, signed a contract, and now he has the script and a rough cut of the video for timing. It’s so weird; I’ve never hired anyone before for something like this. Nor have I ever made any videos before now. I don’t know anything about marketing, so I’m just flailing in the dark, lol.

    9. Turtlewings*

      I’ve spent all day wondering why I can’t write to save my life today or yesterday… and literally just now realized where I am in my menstrual cycle. Yeah, all writing will be like pulling teeth for the next 5 days or so. PMS Brain Fog is real and it SUCKS. -_-

    10. Sled dog mama*

      I’ve just started writing a my outline of what will hopefully become a professional presentation on some unique things going on at my clinic. I’m struggling with needing some distance from events to get things clear and wanting to get things on paper to so I don’t forget anything important

    11. Blueberry*

      Is it silly to be proud of a pinch-hit I wrote for a fanfic challenge? I saw the prompt and the story popped into my head and even with my roommates intermittently screaming at eadch other I wrote 4500 words in 12 hours.

    12. Anonnington*

      I dedicated my iPad to writing only, no internet use. I wrote a few pages, but the typing was awkward, using the touch screen. So I got a keyboard for it. It’s charging right now.

  12. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    For the record, this thread is NOT limited to video games. Board games, card games, apps teaching card games,…anything goes.
    I finished all of Steins;Gate and DAMN ALL THOSE ONION NINJAS.

    1. Julia*

      I am still squealing over the remade Pokémon Mystery Dungeon. Pretty hard game compared to the main series, but so, sooooooooo cute.

    2. Chylleh*

      Still playing Animal Crossing, I finally collected all of the fruits! I got Terraria on my Switch and have been diving back into it again. Also Persona 5 Royal and Diablo 3 Season 20.

      We just got King of Tokyo and The Fox in the Forest, so looking forward to playing some board and card games!

      1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

        Just started Animal Crossing, but OT at home is cutting into my progress.
        Just a few 100k more Unemployment Insurance claims to process and I will finally have some time for that and The Untitled Goose Game.

        1. MayLou*

          I was kind of intrigued by all the Animal Crossing talk and vaguely remembered having played it at a friend’s house in the early 2000s but I don’t own a Switch and was not £250 intrigued… so I downloaded the free Animal Crossing: Pocker Camp phone app! It’s a mini game with the same game dynamics and it’s met my need for being part of the hype very nicely :) I’ve become a bit obsessed with growing the rare purple versions of all the flowers.

        2. Chylleh*

          I hope you’ll get some time to play, soon. Both are wonderful games and will hopefully help you to reduce or process any stress you are feeling!

    3. Vistaloopy*

      Not sure if this counts as a game, but I’m obsessed with Paint-Doku puzzles! I ordered books of them on amazon and they are so fun and relaxing.

    4. Blue Eagle*

      At our house we play battleships. But after playing several games we have somewhat figured out each other’s strategy so we tweaked the game to make it more fun. We wrote down every board position combination on little pieces of paper and alternate calling board positions with pulling a board position from the paper pile. If you pull a paper board position that you have already called, you pull another one.

      It’s kind of a bummer when you pull a paper board position that you know doesn’t hide a ship, but it’s definitely joyful when you pull one that is hiding a ship!

    5. Lluviata*

      I’ve been playing Tabletop Simulator, specifically Splendor. I love TS! I think without the ‘rona I wouldn’t know about it at all, but now that I know about it it’s going to be a big part of my board gaming in the future!

      2. Bassoonish*

        I’ve been playing Wingspan, Everdell, Dice Throne, Cartographers, etc on Tabletopia and Tabletop Simulator and its so much fun. If only I could convince my one friend to play more often with me! I’ve never played Splendor before though.

    6. Pamplemousse*

      I’m just now finishing up Zelda BOTW. It’s such an amazing game I’m honestly dreading when it’s over lol

      1. Chylleh*

        What a beautiful, fun game! The BOTW Reddit is fascinating since players are still finding so many incredible gameplay mechanics and amazing stunts and posting the footage.

    7. Jaid*

      I’m not a gamer, but I AM watching Simon of “Simon and Martina” play the FF7 remake on YouTube in a recorded livestream. It’s interesting and I’m learning about the game mechanics. Not that I’ll ever play…mashing buttons and adrenaline triggers anxiety. But I can watch just fine.

    8. No Tribble At All*

      Started this cute exploration video game called Astroneer. It’s very chill and taps into the hole left by Subnautica, which I realized was too stressful after a while (jump scares!! Can’t find resources!! Bigass scary ocean monsters!!). Astroneer has no enemies, just stationary hazards, and very little survival— you have an oxygen tank, and it’s easy and cheap to build tethers to extend your range. And that’s it! I’ve already made little rovers so I can drive around this planet. I haven’t wanted to play anything with a driving plot because I don’t know how often I’ll be able to play, so this is a great time-waster.

      1. Tau*

        Ooh! I always made sad eyes at Subnautica because it looked great but too stressful for me. I’m checking this out.

        1. No Tribble At All*

          Astroneer is similar but more relaxing. I’m playing on xbox gamepass. A few notes: if you’re playing on console, it feels like a port in a way Subnautica doesn’t. The controls are sometimes janky in terms of selecting the parts of different components, so be a little patient when plugging things into other things or picking things up. You don’t have to play the tutorial (I did, but it’s a little slow and the music is annoying). Once you start the main game, you can go to the in-game menu and there are brief overviews of how the different controls work. Don’t be afraid to go into caves, just make an access ramp for yourself as you’re going down. Hope you enjoy! :)

    9. Nessun*

      Guild Wars 2!! My guild is having a quarantine party tonight in our guild gall with a fashion show and prizes and silly games. There’s usually about 40 if us on for these events; should be hilarious and entertaining! And then we might go smite the foes of Tyria. ^_^

    10. Anon Accountant*

      Played cookie jam and am crushing several levels. It’s kinda fun. Plus want to get back into playing chess online. Used to be really good but stopped for a while.

      I love chess.

    11. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Any recommendations for an interesting game to play on my iPad? Would prefer a game that has a storyline and does have excessive need for in app purchases (would prefer to pay for a game outright – if there is one)

      2. Glinda*

        I would look at big fish games – they seem to have a wide variety of games for ipads. I use them for all my pc games as well.

        I haven’t tried any of the ipad games, but the majority of the pc ones are an outright purchase, with no further investment needed.

    12. another scientist*

      I want to thank the posters who recommended online Dominion last week, and also I love Hue. The former let me connect and play some games with the peeps that we would normally play Dominion with. The latter has been such a nice way to decompress for a minute, especially between exhausting meetings.
      Thanks all!

      1. Professor Plum*

        Yay for another Dominion fan. Yes, it almost feels like playing together in person with the game on and chatting at the same time.

    13. Might be Spam*

      My son gave me Monument Valley. Most games upset my stomach, but I can play this game without trouble. I’m looking for other games that I can play.

    14. Elenna*

      My sister and I have started a project to create our own version of the board game Pandemic. Because it’s fun and it seemed appropriate. (I checked a week or so ago and I couldn’t find an actual game that cost less than 60 bucks, plus making it ourselves is fun.)

      1. Elenna*

        Forgot to add, I’m also hosting a game of Werewolf (aka Mafia) on an online forum. I promised a Harry Potter-themed game with a ton of power roles and I think I can deliver, but man was it more work than I expected coming up with roles that fit the theme and also didn’t break the game in combination with other roles.

    15. Colette*

      I’ve been playing boardgames with friends online (boardgamearena.com is the site we’re using). A couple of us bought the premium membership, so we can play all of the games. (Only one person in the group needs premium.) So we set up a zoom call and start playing. Since we can talk naturally, it feels almost like being in the same room.

      And I’ve discovered MarioKart has an app version, so that’s been fun.

    16. Quiznakit*

      I don’t recall who mentioned I Love Hue and I Love Hue Too but I’ve been playing it obsessively and got my mother and aunt hooked on it too. So well done!

    17. puffle*

      Currently playing Dragon Age Inquisition again, I’ve got Lost Odyssey lined up as well. I played them both 4-5 years ago, so long enough that it’s almost like playing them for the first time

      1. No Tribble At All*

        DRAGON AGE INQUISITION!!! Don’t forget to do the quest with the horses as soon as you can, so you can ride around on your magical teleporting steed. Do you have the DLCs? If you only get 1, I’d recommend Trespasser as it’s much more relevant to the story. Maker keep you and guide you.

        1. RowanUK*

          I second getting Trespasser! Descent and Jaws of Hakkon are also great for lore. (Sorry, DA fanatic checking in!)

    18. MoopySwarpet*

      Hidden Folks. It’s on iOS, not sure if there’s an android version or not. Also, dream detective, which is a similar style.

      I loved Space Miner and just restarted it. Although, it has been purchased by a game conglomerate that requires a monthly subscription where you can play any of their games. I purchased it a long time ago when it was independently owned. (I would say you probably could finish it in less than a month and would be worth one month of subscription.)

      I am always playing pixelogic (A pic-cross game) and love Piczle, which is sort of a paint by number line puzzle game.

    19. Wired Wolf*

      I’ve been wanting to get Steins;Gate for awhile now and I finally have an excuse. Just ordered it today.

    20. Nicki Name*

      Thanks to a marathon session last weekend, I wound up finishing the Golden Deer route in Fire Emblem: Three Houses a couple days ago. I looked up recommendations for what order to play the other routes in, and I think I’ll do the church route next.

      But first, I’m taking a break with online Dominion— thanks to whoever mentioned it last week! Just playing with bots, since I don’t know anyone else who’d be interested in playing, but it’s still fun to get to play with All The Cards.

      1. Raia*

        I stopped playing right after i started the church route, and now im worried about if i know how to get back into it! Ugh, its always so hard to restart a fire emblem in the middle of a campaign.

    21. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m playing D&D 5e on Roll20 and Ventrillo right now and did it with Roll20 and Discord last night. My two groups prefer different technologies. Last weekend, I played Ticket to Ride and Terraforming Mars online.

    22. 653-CXK*

      I installed Stella for the Atari 2600 and downloaded some of my favorite ROMs. I still can’t believe that after nearly 40 years of getting the Atari 2600, I can still play all those games without a problem.

    23. Nynaeve*

      I’ve been playing some of the Jackbox Games online with friends and family. I got party packs 3 and 4 and Drawful 2, so I have 11 different games to play. (Basically, you use your phone to submit answers.) The games are easy to learn, fast, and pretty fun. It’s been nice because it’s a fun way to interact with friends and family I either don’t see often or would normally see, but can’t because of social distancing.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Dumb question, but I’m currently downloading some Jackbox Games now (party packs 6 and 2 and Drawful–it was so hard to decide I had to just pick!)–anyway, my question is do you actually see/hear your friends or are you just interacting through the game when they answer questions? I’d like to be able to see them/hear them while we play, if that’s at all possible, just to make us all feel a bit more connected.

    24. RowanUK*

      I’m playing around 10mins of Animal Crossing a day. It’s great, but I can’t focus on it for long.

      I tried a bit of Skyrim yesterday, but the game I just can’t escape at the moment is Greedfall. It’s got a few issues, but it’s such a good RPG. It’s my third playthrough, I really need to move on a bit…

  13. Vic tower*

    Fellow book lovers, frivolous question for you. When you lend someone a book and they treat it badly (think – bending the cover all the way back, dog earing pages, breaking the spine)… do you say something?

    1. NeverNicky*

      I’d probably smile weakly and say “no, keep it” but they would never, ever, ever get to borrow a book of mine again and I would think twice about giving them a book.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Same, same, same. It’s so rude!
        In fact, like that with any of my personal belongings.

        Then, if I could afford it, I’d buy myself a lovely new book.

      2. Nessun*

        Exactly. I’ll get a new copy, and no sorry can’t loan you anything until I’ve assessed how much I love it first, so I know what I’d have to replace.

          1. RagingADHD*

            But give…as in it belongs to them. I get not *lending* to a careless friend, but not give a gift?

            Unless you mean you’re not gifting them at all, it doesn’t make sense.

            1. Courageous cat*

              Agreed, that feels a bit more sanctimonious to me, whereas it’s definitely a good idea not to lend anymore.

    2. Damien*

      Well, i lent a very close friend a copy of one of my discworld books (basically a hugely sentimental item) and she then abruptly stopped talking to me for no reason and i never got the book back. I bought a used copy off ebay and considered it an unexpected lesson learned.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This happened to me with a DVD and I decided never to lend any books or movies ever again unless I know for a fact I will get it back in good condition. If anyone wants to watch a movie I have, they can either come over and we’ll watch together, or they can rent it on YouTube. :P

        1. Gatomon*

          This has happened to me with books and DVDs several times, and absolutely why I don’t lend things anymore either. I don’t even trust my mother anymore after she borrowed some books from me after a visit, never returned them and then gleefully told me how she donated everything that wasn’t her bible in a religious fit.

    3. Green great dragon*

      I don’t mind buying second (or third) copies of books I love as it’s supporting the author/publisher etc. I have a couple of friends who don’t return books, so I just hope they’re enjoying the ones of mine they have, and they’re not getting any more.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I never lend a book with the expectation of ever getting it back. Sadly I would love to still have the galley of Harry Potter and the one of Because of Winn Dixie.

    4. MistOrMister*

      I wouldn’t say something but they would never get another book from me ever. The caveat would be if someone who usually took good care of borrowed books had an accident. I’ve dropped a book of my own in the bathtub and my mom’s dog tore up my library book that she grabbed off the table once. If something like that happened and the person offered to replace the book (which I would not take them up on) I would be willing to give them another chance. But if it happened the next time….nope!

      My mom bends the spines on her books and it drives me batty to see them on her nightstand, being done in. I want to say, please, for the love of god, use a bookmark!!! Personally, I never know where my bookmarks are – I always end up using random bits of paper.

      1. Not a cat*

        When I lived w/ my parents, my mother also cracked the spines (on hardbacks too). I used to cringe at the sound. She thought it was funny to do the same to my books. Also- I tend to read more than one book at a time, so she would take out my bookmark from one of my books because, “no one can read more than one book at a time.” She’s a delight…..

      2. Lally*

        Our local library once put together a display in the display cases by the main desk of all the items they found tucked between the pages of returned books. Actual bookmarks were only a small part of that! It included things like chocolate bar wrappers, snapshots, envelopes, lists, flat fridge magnets, school notices, etc.

        1. Scarlet Magnolias*

          I found an elderly peanut butter and jelly sandwich inside a copy of the Cricket in Times Square once, when emptying the book drop at my library

        2. Fikly*

          I used to have a terrible habit of using paper money. Usually small bills, but once I found a hundred dollar bill when I went to reread a book years later!

        3. Chaordic One*

          When I volunteered at the used bookstore run by the Friends of the Library I would find all sorts of interesting things, in addition to bookmarks, there were lots of photos, lots of funeral programs and lots of letters. One of the letters that touched me was in an old book and it was written by a local man while he was serving in the front lines of World War II in France and was sent to another local man. Curious, I googled the names and discovered that letter writer survived the war and returned home only to be killed in a traffic accident in the early 1950s. There were several different people (apparently all related to each other) with the same name as the intended recipient of the letter, so I don’t know what happened to them.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Lots of variables to consider. I think my last straw would be if the person had a history of ruining my stuff. Maybe the particular book I don’t care, but I could end up caring very much about the over all pattern of just not taking care of other people’s things.

      In general though, I tend to be laid back. Books are for reading, I am all about content and less about keeping the book pristine. If I dumped coffee on a book that would upset with me because I may not be able to read the book once it dries. A dog-eared page doesn’t interfere with its read-ability.

      In my area here, everyone is throwing books out at a scary clip. There is no where to go with these books so they have implemented a price per pound to toss books out. Our society is placing a lower and lower value on books. Your friend might be surrounded by people who reflect this trend or your friend just might be careless.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I buy a lot of my books used, so they come pre-battered and I don’t care. If it was a book where having it in less than pristine shape would bother me, I probably wouldn’t loan it out.

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        Same. Not everyone defines “taking care of things” the same way. If you care, you have to let the person know before you loan them an item.

        I dog ear pages and honestly had no idea that that bothered anyone. In my experience, everyone I know does not care at all for the spine of a book so I would assume anyone borrowing one of my books would damage the spine.

        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          So, the concept of returning items in the same condition you received them does not extend to books?

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      No, but I’d think twice about lending them one of my books again. For me it’s more about the fact that it’s another person’s property so you take care of it like it’s the most precious thing in the world (accidents not withstanding). I have a habit of slightly trashing my books but if a friend lent a book to me I’d treat it with the utmost care even if it wasn’t in great nick, and I’d hope they’d do the same for me.

    8. Foreign Octopus*

      I once let a co-worker a copy of The Truth About the Harry Quebert Affair, by Joël Dicker. When I got it back, the last half of the book had been stained by balsamic vinegar and she asked me whether she should replace it. I was terribly British and said, no, no, it’s not a problem, but I was pretty upset about it. There was a copy for £7 in Tesco’s that was ten minutes from us. It would have been so easy for her to replace. I wish I’d said something now.

      That being said, I’ve finally stopped lending books to people after I had to fight tooth and nail to get my copy of Rebecca, by Daphne Du Maurier back. It’s one of my most beloved books and I was eager to introduce it to a Russian-speaking friend but it took me nearly two years to get it back, and I lost my copy of Outlander to her. I don’t know if Russians don’t lend books and think they’re being given as gifts or if it was just my friend, but it really soured me on lending books to people. Now if there’s a book I think someone would enjoy, I just buy them a copy.

      1. Wired Wolf*

        I don’t lend books any more after getting Making Ghostbusters back with a cracked spine and the cover creased to hell and back (another friend found me a mint first printing for less than retail price and I donated the bashed one to someone who just wanted an intact copy). I have a friend who’s more than a bit out to lunch, on occasion I’ve found a few books in my “haven’t touched in a year” piles at home that she might like and offered them to her. Reply tends to be “oh, I don’t know if I’d like this”…I know it’s new to you but take a look at it and see. If it’s not to your taste, just say so and no harm although you really should read something other than depressing WW2 fiction. The most recent was a Pusheen book and I know she loves Pusheen because she told me so; she looked at it and said “oh, I don’t know if I’ll like this”.

    9. Retail not Retail*

      I realize I’ve rarely loaned out books. No one seems to want them, even when I’ve told roommates they can borrow them when I’ve had a bookshelf in a common area.

      The issue I had with the two borrowings was how long they kept them. “Hey I’m moving cross country in a week… do you have my book?”

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, we have access to a pretty good library service where I’m originally from, so generally you’d just recommend a book and let a person decide whether to get it from the library or not. As for the books I have loaned, I’ve always got them returned in good shape, but I think I’d make some sort of “woah, did you take this with you to the wars” comment if it came back banged up.

    10. Kate Daniels*

      I struggled with this when I was a kid and quickly realized that it caused much less heartache and anxiety if I just viewed loaning books as gifting them to others with no expectations of getting them back.

      Today, I prefer not to hold on to any books except for absolute favorites, so it’s pretty easy for me to give them away as “gifts” and never worry about whether they will damage or return them. For those books that are on my keeper’s shelf, since I’m really particular about condition (I’m one of those who can read a book and have it still look brand new after finishing it), I am likely to buy them another separate copy as a gift.

    11. Jonah*

      I’ve never had this problem because the few times I’ve lent out books I’ve said something like, “You’re welcome to borrow it as long as you treat it gently.” I’ve had a few people politely decline after that, which I appreciate. I did lend out a book when I was in (a very conservative, religious) high school that had titillating sex scenes in it, and it made the rounds to a bunch of different people. I never got it back, but I can see why now!

    12. GoryDetails*

      I’m lucky in that none of my family or friends treat books that way. Not sure what I’d say if someone did dog-ear or spine-crack one of my books; I decided long, long ago that lending books created too much pressure on both sides, me to keep track of the book’s whereabouts and the lendee to feel obligated to read it even if they weren’t in the mood. So when I had books that I adored so much that I wanted to foist on others – er, encourage others to try! – I’d hunt up inexpensive secondhand copies and give them outright. [I did this even in pre-internet days; now, it’s a lot easier to scrounge for cheap replacement copies.] I also give books away as a hobby – I’ve been a member of bookcrossing.com for many years now, and (in pre-COVID days) enjoyed leaving books in public places for people to find. Since I seldom know who picks up the books or how they treat them, that’s an exercise in hope…

      Since I get lots of books secondhand to begin with, I own plenty that are pre-banged-up. I patch loose spines and try to flatten out any dogeared pages, and generally render them as sound as I can, but I’m still happy to read battered ex-library books as well as shiny new ones. But it does make me wince to see someone inflict damage on books!

      1. Blueberry*

        I love that you left books for people in public. I may have found one or two of those beautiful serendipities.

    13. Anono-me*

      I have a very small circle of friends and family that I lend books to. (People that I know are going to be careful with them.)

      Otherwise it’s a gift and I’m not expecting it back.

      I normally keep an extra copy of To Kill a Mockingbird on hand. (My second-hand bookstore usually has one or two in the Bargain Bin.) It is one of my most favorite books ever, and I love to share it with people who never read it in school.

    14. Finding Nemo*

      I once loaned a book to a friend and they returned it damaged; don’t remember how badly damaged but enough that I was really mad. When I asked them about replacing it, they refused because they didn’t think the damage was that big a deal.

      Now when I loan books or really anything to anyone, I say ‘Please return it in the condition I’m giving it to you or I will ask you to replace it’ and I haven’t had any issues. Some people ask why I say that but they always understand when I explain and say they would have no problem replacing the book if they damaged it. So personally I would ask for a replacement.

      1. Not really belong anywhere*

        That reminds me of a post I once saw at my company’s buy/sell board. Someone was looking for a used copy of a novel, saying their dog ruined a book they borrowed from a friend and they had to replace it. I don’t know what the condition of the borrowed book was before the dog incident, but the idea of replacing someone’s book you (or your pet) damaged with a used copy sort of amazed me. If someone borrowed my (always treated carefully and kept in neat condition) book and gave me a used copy as a replacement, I don’t know if I would want to take it. Not because that used copy is necessarily dirty or bad, but because I would accept it as reflection on what that person takes me for.

        But now I wonder if that person was at least trying, and deserved more credit for the efforts.

        1. Blueberry*

          The book might not have been in print anymore, though? At least the person was trying to replace it.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Or maybe they borrowed the book in the first place because they were broke, and they couldn’t afford to buy it retail.

    15. Jules the First*

      No, but only because I never lend my copy; if I liked the book enough to lend it (rather than giving my copy away), I buy a second copy and lend that.

    16. RagingADHD*

      No. I don’t lend books I’m really attached to.

      I mostly read library books or buy used books due to space & money considerations, so the ones I’ve kept are usually decades old and already have condition issues anyway.

    17. Eeeek*

      No but I wouldn’t care. Once I’ve read a book and I’m loaning it out then w/e. I probably wouldn’t even expect it back? If it was super special to you that’s a bummer though!!

    18. Chaordic One*

      I lent a book to a friend and some time later when I was visiting them I was horrified to see that one of their cockatiels (who they let loose to fly about the house) had pooped on it. I never said anything, didn’t ask for it back, never lent them anything ever again and it kind of killed the friendship. From time to time I wonder what ever became of this person.

    19. Dahlia Enthusiast*

      The last book I lent out was never returned to me. In a ‘hey, I’m moving far away, trying to round up stray things I’d like to bring with me’ sort of way,… got the response of “oh, I don’t have that anymore.” Who gives away something they borrowed???
      I’d still lend books out if asked,.. but no one asks.

    20. Avasarala*

      I’m usually pretty careful with books, especially borrowed ones, but once I borrowed one from a friend and carrying it in my bag so much really weathered the corners and some pages got bent and so on. I was very ashamed and bought her a fresh copy and kept the weathered one. I would expect others to do the same for me.

  14. Sock puppet confusion*

    A while back Alison admonished a reader to not sock puppet (from Wikipedia : misleading uses of online identities, such as those created to praise, defend, or support a person or organization,[2] to manipulate public opinion,[3] or to circumvent restrictions, suspension or an outright ban from a website).

    At the time I didn’t know what it meant and was looking for someone who was trying to suggest using actual puppets made of socks in their responses to the various letter submitters. I reread that post’s letters and tried to picture how using a sock monkey or something when communicating with their manager or coworker would be helpful in any way.

    This site has def been educational.

    1. Misty*

      Lol the minute I read this I just pictured someone reading posts, thinking seriously, and then being like ‘yes sock puppet communication IS the solution these folks need’

    2. Akcipitrokulo*

      I think it depends on the culture of your office whether you could use a sock puppet on your skype team meetings!

      Also need to consider sock puppet dress code, of course.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      The term sock puppet makes me think of Lambchop (puppet) and I end up smiling. Clearly, smiling is not the correct response for the situation.

      1. MassMatt*

        It always makes me think of Mick Foley’s Mankind wrestling persona, he used a sock puppet (“Mr Socko”, because of course) for his mandible claw submission move and featured it in many promos and recorded bits. That guy really gave the fans some of the most spectacular moments in WWE, as well as the most ridiculous.

    4. Llama Face!*

      Oh haha you made me laugh! I am now imagining a letter to Alison from a frustrated employee whose manager wants her to use sock puppets in her one-on-ones or when dealing with coworker conflict. Really, stranger things have happened! :D

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Reminds me of my favorite movie (“What About Bob?”). The father is a psychiatrist who makes his kids use sock poppets to talk out their feelings. Naturally, they hate it.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      LOL! I remember that debate. I’ve never heard the term sock puppet until I joined this site and tbf I haven’t seen any examples of it that I could point to (but I’ve missed a lot of threads over the years). I used to be in another online community, and we just called them multi nicks.

    7. Anonnington*

      The typical sock puppet scenario is when a regular user of an online community creates auxilary accounts to advance their agenda there. The sock puppet accounts do things like agreeing with a controversial opinion, attacking members who the user doesn’t like, siding with the user in arguments . . . or sometimes the opposite – arguing with / attacking the main account in order to generate interest and sympathy.

    8. Fikly*

      Wasn’t there a post or comment way back about how someone’s coworker started using a puppet to communicate with everyone in the office?

    9. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Is there a Zoom filter so you can appear as a sock puppet? Might liven up some online meetings…

  15. Misty*

    I posted last week about my roommate who lied to the rest of us for 27 days about where he was going. He was going to get coffee at a busy gas station every morning but we had all agreed to limit our interaction with the public when the virus started. After my other roommates and I found out, his gf (also our roommate) broke up with him and everyone was really upset that he had been lying to us.

    Anyways, the update is he’s stopped getting coffee every single day and is now getting it twice a week. His gf and him remain broken up. Everyone is looking for a new apartment when the virus is over. One of my roommates is viewing two places that are two towns over and wants me to move with them if it’s a good place. I think everyone has reached their depression point here. One of my roommates spends all her time obsessively cleaning, another one spends all their time sitting outside of the front door in a lawn chair. I think the adjustment from having no one home to having seven people home in a small apartment all the time has been a little too much for us to handle. I cry all the time and I don’t even know why.

    1. Akcipitrokulo*

      It’s really tough :(

      It is ok to handle this however helps as long as you stay away from people not in your household, and crying a lot is happening. Is there anything that you enjoy that could help occupy mind?

      You absolutely DO NOT have to do something “worthwhile” or “productive” during this time. If it helps you to learn a new skill, awesome! If it helps you to binge watch Judge Judy, also awesome!

      2. Wired Wolf*

        This is what I’m trying to explain to my mom. Work-wise, my company is bringing people back starting next week so I’m just waiting to get a call. So what if I want to binge-watch Parking Wars or Science Channel on occasion?

        I think the issue here is that she still sees the dining room table/living room as her office and my bed is now in half of the living room; while she has an actual room, I don’t (and the printer is in “my room” but it doesn’t have to be). So any time she wants to “work” in the dining room I can’t watch TV and she doesn’t understand my mechanical keyboard which means random comments if I’m typing.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Crying without knowing why can (sometimes!) indicate the brain is low on minerals. Prolonged stress can cause this. Perhaps you can find a drink with electrolytes in it. I know with Gatorade or Knudson products, they will taste good to me if I need them. If I don’t need them they are not appealing at all. This is along the same lines as a banana can taste extra good if there is a potassium shortage problem.

      I’m not a doc. Definitely, ymmv. So am just throwing this out there. It’s no magic bullet as the situation still sucks, but getting a handle on tears can be a tiny bit of relief.

    3. LGC*

      Again – I’m really sorry that you’re going through this!

      As for your last sentence…like, I’m normally reluctant to suggest therapy, but if you can get a (telehealth) therapist – or even talk to a friend outside of the little house of horrors – that would probably help a lot! I think a LOT of people are going through diffuse anxiety right now (I mean, heck, I am).

      1. Misty*

        Thanks for the suggestion, I actually have one already! I talk to him twice a week. (I used to have a different lady who I saw for over a year who I wrote about once on here, but she closed up shop once the pandemic started.) The new guy is really good and specializes in anxiety which is relieving because I was worried about meeting a new one during this esp over the phone or video – you know?

    4. Ann Onny Muss*

      Your roommate sucks. I’m glad you’re looking for a new place. I hope you are able to move soonest.

    5. No Name*

      I have found gentle exercise really helps break the depression and anxiety of being cooped up. I have been dragging my family out for a bike ride or to walk the dog most days to break the funk we were sinking into. Admittedly we live out in the suburbs so it is easy to keep our distance from other people. The shut down is still difficult but we have had a huge improvement in mental health for all of us. Be kind to yourself – the crying is a pretty common reaction to ongoing stress.

    6. T. Boone Pickens*

      7 people living together under one roof eh? Sounds like Real World:Misty isn’t going well. I’m sorry to hear about your inconsiderate roommate. Sounds like a lot going on.

      1. Misty*

        This comment made me laugh so thanks for that. If there was a star of this apartment though, it would not be me! I’m the quiet one. Lol

        Also my roommate JUST got off the phone with an apartment they want to look at (we’re trying to move together) and it’s twenty minutes closer to my college than where I currently live. So now I’m feeling prematurely excited.

      1. Misty*

        I think it’ll eventually be okay just like everything that the pandemic is affecting. Or maybe I’m just hoping it will be, you know?

        I’m def glad to have you guys on AAM because I greatly look forward to these threads and knowing everyone is out there somewhere in the world, if that makes sense. It brings me a great sense of comfort thinking of everyone from this site is out in the real world somewhere.

        1. Laure001*

          Well Misty, I am reading this from a Parisian suburb and I completely understand how bad you feel. Hang in there! We’ll be thinking of you. :)

  16. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    After finishing Wolf Hall last week – oh god it was a journey, one I enjoyed but definitely need a break from before tacking Bring Up the Bodies – I’m now reading Ba Blood, by John Carreyrou about the Theranos scandal. Only a couple of chapters in but it’s super readable and, so far, I can see how people fell for it as it sounds real enough to pass the muster.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      I’m reading what feels like a gazillion books on CBT and psychodynamic therapy for my assignment, and then – for some light entertainment – the new T.S. Joyce series (werewolves, romance, happy ever after. Love it.)

      1. Ann Onny Muss*

        What’s the name of the series? I’m all for “happily ever after” books right now.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          The series is called Becoming the Wolf, and the first one is called Behind the Beginning. They’re only available on Amazon/Kindle.
          I don’t know how many there are meant to be as I haven’t quite finished the first one yet (they are not long at all) but there are 3 books so far.

          I hope you enjoy them!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just finished “The Great Influenza” about the 1918 pandemic (and also lots about medical and epidemiological history in general) – very fascinating, though I’m sure not everyone’s cup of tea these days.

    3. Marion Ravenwood*

      Still War and Peace with Tolstoy Together – about a third of the way through now. It’s becoming a nice calming evening ritual, a little anchor in these weird times.

      I’ve also just started Conversations with Friends, Sally Rooney’s second book. So far it’s OK, but I’m always a bit wary of really hyped up novels – most of the time when I eventually get round to reading them I do like them but they never blow my mind the way I think they will. Maybe I just have too high expectations.

    4. Ann Onny Muss*

      Wolf Hall and Bring Up the Bodies were both excellent. (As was the mini-series. Go watch it if you haven’t.) I’m looking forward to reading the final book, but am going to hold off a bit. Right now I need something light(er) and am rereading The Wee Free Men for the billionth time.

    5. Lily*

      I’ve begun reading Treasure Island as I just watched the National Theatre version of it on youtube and wanted to compare/refresh my memories – it’s been ages since!

      Last week they showed Jane Eyre and I’ve begun the first few pages but will save it for after Treasure Island. That show is the first time I’ve enjoyed the story and it made me curious enough to begin reading.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        I recommend watching the Muppet Treasure Island movie if you can. Also, Black Sails is a pretty good prequel if you’re ok with violence.

        1. Lily*

          I’ve seen it a long time ago. I loved the beginning song!
          I’ve heard about it but it does indeed seem pretty violent :(

      2. Analyst Editor*

        Treasure island was my favorite book as a kid. I watched almost every adaptation, including foreign language ones.
        It’s a great book. I savor the time my kids are off she to read it.

        1. Lily*

          Ooh, which versions are your favorites?

          I’m also enjoying it immensely! :D I am sure your love will shine through and your kids will love it as well!

          1. Analyst Editor*

            Hard to say! Christian bale version pretty good. Muppets is fun. Treasure planet is terrible.
            There are three Russian versions– 3-part, 1-part, and the animated one. I think you have to get a bunch of in jokes for the animated one, but it’s still pretty funny while staying fairly true to the book. I like Silver best in the 3-part one and Jim in the 1-part.

      3. Academia blues*

        Treasure Island made me go into sailing during Uni. It’s still one of the books that are very dear to my heart.

    6. Overeducated*

      Exhalation by Ted Chiang. I was given two copies by people who know my taste, so unsurprisingly I’m enjoying it so far.

    7. TimeCat*

      Bad blood is great but also so frustrating. S9 many chances to catch the fraud and she wriggled out of it over and over. The part where the guy sided with Holmes over his own grandson telling him it was all fake was so frustrating too.

      I also just don’t get it. Finger pricks, IMO, are worse than a normal blood draw. They hurt a lot more and the pain and annoyance lasts longer on a finger than having a pick on your elbow. (I had a baby last year and had a lot of blood taken). That doesn’t seem like a distinction to base a billion dollar company on. There just isn’t the need.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        For me, having blood drawn is an exercise in unpleasantness. Even if I drink half a gallon of water right before to make sure I’m well hydrated, I’m just a terrible stick – I walk in and go “give me a pediatric vampire with a small needle and a lot of patience, like whoever you’d want sticking your four year old kid.” They go “Oh, yeah yeah, we hear that all the time, it’ll be fine.” Then they start looking for my veins. They tap on both elbows, both wrists, both hands – the one time I ever had an IV it had to go in the side of my hand between thumb and wrist – and eventually go back to my right elbow, but they look real skeptical, and I say “It’s deep, small, uncooperative, and it rolls to the right.” Then they finally take a couple whacks at it. One person ever – the nurse who runs the employee health unit and does our work screenings – has managed to get me in less than three sticks, and five or six attempts is way more common. (The IV took three people four tries each.) Then the inside of my elbow has a grapefruit-sized bruise for the next four days.

        Give me a finger poke any day. :)

        1. TimeCat*

          Funny. I wonder what the breakdown is in people who hate fingerpricks versus those who hate blood draws. I’d pick having it done in my elbow any day.

          1. Grace*

            Fingerpricks bruise my finger for weeks afterwards, while elbow-drawn tests sting a little then done. I have very good veins, though, despite chronic low blood pressure – I’m a regular blood donor and it’s always been one-and-done, as have all the blood tests I’ve had.

            I think the real benefit to an easy fingerprick test would be for small children (less traumatic than a bigger needle) and for people with truly terrible veins. I seem to remember something about it being easier to do blood tests in the field if they’re fingerpricks, as well.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Yep, less invasive testing in the field is much safer and easier. That’s why, as I recall, she was cozying up to the military with her nonsense.

              1. TimeCat*

                I guess but I question how often you need a blood test out in the field. If someone was seriously ill you’d take them to a field hospital at least.

    8. Policy wonk*

      A Woman of No Importance by Sonia Purnell. True story of an American behind the lines in WWII France. Definitely worth reading.

    9. Analyst Editor*

      I started a book called “Heavy Sand”. It’s a Holocaust book written by a Soviet author, so it has asides like “Now, we know the tsarist regime oppressed all people’s, but”… – little very Soviet asides. I didn’t get very far yet; I anticipate it being heavy subject matter…. But it reads smoothly!

    10. WellRed*

      Funny, I don’t see how people fell for it at all! Maybe it’s just because I know it was a scam and can’t set that information aside. Looking forward to the Bad Blood movie.

      1. TL -*

        I’m a biologist and I first heard about the “new technology” right after college – someone sent me an article and I rolled my eyes and said it’s another scam using fancy science words to hide behind.

        Reading the book last year, it was a lot of the same. The science is so clearly wrong! And all throughout the book, the experts all are saying, no this is wrong, it doesn’t work, it doesn’t make sense. But with the exception of the general, they’re basically ignored because her strategy is to convince the people at the top – non-experts – before anyone who can fairly evaluate it even gets a chance.

        I found the book really fascinating. It would have turned out so differently if people had believed the people they employed for the expertise they were paying them for.

    11. MMB*

      I just finished two books by Johnathan Dunsky. A n excellent short story called, Shootout With Death, and the fifth book in the Adam Lapid series, a Deadly Act.

    12. mreasy*

      I loved Bad Blood – just even a crazier story than was reported in the press! Well written too I thought.

    13. Bluebell*

      Just finished Ghosted by Rosie Walsh, and I really liked it, even during the part where it got weirdly twisty. Now I’m reading You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. Fascinating book by a therapist about her own life and therapy experience, plus her work with clients, and therapy in general. I’m not sure if Alison has ever recommended it.

    14. knead me seymour*

      I’m reading Fabulosa! which is a history of Polari. The perfect combination of secret languages and gay history.

    15. Teal*

      Joy at Work.

      I’m only a few pages in. I might save it for my during the week reads because I want to ~relax~ on the weekend. Otherwise, I’m listening to Harry Potter on audiobook while I finally clean my room, wee!

    16. Teacher Lady*

      Currently reading Afterlife by Julia Alvarez, A Good Provider is One Who Leaves, and Hearts Unbroken.

    17. Searching*

      I just finished “JFK’s Secret Doctor” and it was fascinating! Someone on a climbers’ forum recommended it. It’s about Dr. Hans Kraus who was a well-known climber in his day and also a forerunner in calling out declining fitness levels in American kids. He became an expert in treating back pain non-surgically and ended up treating JFK (in total secrecy) for his initially debilitating pain and eventually curing him. I read it in about a day, it’s an easy read, written by Susan E. B. Schwartz.

  17. PX*

    Anyone had amusingly weird dreams they want to share? I woke up yesterday morning from one in which Jamie Oliver was married to Normani who was pregnant but had also broken her ankle and he was taking care of her.

    If you know who those two people are, you’ll understand why it is:
    1) a hilarious combination of people and
    2) so random what the hell brain?!

    Sometimes I can figure out where things came from but this one seems utterly random to me. *insert shrug gig here*

    1. MistOrMister*

      I had a dream the other day that I was talking to my coworker at my desk before work. Then the atty I work with came in super excited, saying they had done something the night before that was going to fast track them to Partner, and here is a Dunkin Donuts sandwich for me, to celebrate. At which point I noticed the coworker I had been talking to had randomly given me hash browns from Dunkin. I felt some dread over the sandwich because I don’t eat meat and sure enough, when I peekere, there was candian bacon on it. I had to slip out the candian bacon so I could eat the sandwich without hurting the attorney’s feelings. But then someone who was both me and not me at the same time stood there eating the piece of canadian bacon while I ate the sandwich.

      Upon waking up I realized that the attorney in my dream, while having the name,of the attorney I work with, had physically been a different attorney. I am also confused as to why I ate that sandwich. If something has meat on it, I don’t eat it at all….I can’t pull the meat off and eat it anyway. The juices are still there! Honestly that was a pretty tame dream for me though…

    2. MistOrMister*

      oh! More interestingly, I had a drea where my parents and sister were up to no good. I never got the full details but somehow I found out while on vacation and they tried to drug me to get me out of the way. A friend and my niece were also there and I was trying to pack my suitcase while in the bathroom so I could sneak out.

      Where I was trying to go and what I was trying to do, I have no idea. I wish that one had gone longer and had more detail. It was quite interesting. And I didnt wake up mad at anyone, like I usually do when dream them has tried to kill or maim me.

    3. Jdc*

      I’m fuzzy on the details as I’ve been up a couple hours now but I had a heated debate with a male celebrity last night. Not as though we met on the street but we knew each other and got into an argument. I have weird dreams when I get too warm at night.

    4. MoopySwarpet*

      I dreamed I was taking bong hits with my boss. Seriously, brain, WTF? We don’t do that and we especially don’t do that WITH EACH OTHER!

    5. Paquita*

      I dreamed that I was in a church somewhere and a man was chasing me. Up and down lots of steps. I woke up and felt exhausted. :( Had about another hour before the alarm went off. And I felt tired all day.

    6. anon24*

      Not a dream, but one of those fuzzy morning thoughts that seems so brilliant at the time but truly makes no sense.

      My alarm went off at 5am the other morning for work and I woke up absolutely exhausted and my first thought was “If someone had all the secrets of the world in a computer chip and they wanted to hide it where no one would ever find it they should sew it into a cat’s mouse toy. It would get batted under the fridge or the stove and NO ONE would ever find it! The bad guys would never think to look there and the cat would be very protective of his toy!”

      So yeah.

    7. JKP*

      My favorite weird dream was one where I fostered a dolphin who needed rescuing and had a little hot tub installed in my living room. Everyday I would come home from work and sit in the hot tub with my rescue dolphin watching Netflix together. I became so attached to the dolphin in the dream and it felt so real that when I woke up I legit started crying when I realized I would never see him again.

    8. Buni*

      I’m church organist, and dreamed that on the first Sunday back post-virus the vicar didn’t tell anyone until just before, so no one knew what was going on.
      1) He’d cleared all the chairs away and marked boxes on the floor with tape, so everyone had a box to be isolated in.
      2) He’d picked all the hymns – usually we do it together – and just left the music. I didn’t know any of them.
      3) He randomly moved the service forward half an hour, so when I thought I could quickly practise – nope!
      4) I said he’d have to acapella teach them (which we do do, sometimes). He said no problem, and when it came to the first hymn started singing something entirely different.

    9. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      A love triangle between mysoginist coworker, 100% maximum quality cinnamon roll figure skater, and my cat. Yes, my cat. All in a hotel in the middle of nowhere.
      Thanks, brain.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        Also, this is the best idea for a reverse harem anime. If someone is writes it, I want to have a bit of credit!

    10. Nicki Name*

      A few nights ago I found myself going on a long-distance canoe trip with one of the original MST3K cast members. I don’t remember why, just that there were very important reasons that made sense at the time.

    11. DyneinWalking*

      Usually my dreams are such a badly mangled sequence of events that I’m barely able to reconstruct the storyline once I’m awake (I remember bits and pieces a lot of the time, but am generally not able to fit them together). But I had one about a year ago that was fairly logical: I dreamed me and my boyfriend did a trip to the moon with an elevator and really enjoyed it (took a moon rock as a souvenir), so we invited my parents to do that trip with us. My father spent his time in the elevator working on his laptop, and then a “data wind” happened – due to the speed of the elevator, time got mixed up a bit and pieces of data from the future appeared as an invisible “wind”, and some of the data settled on his laptop. As it turned out the data wind had been sufficient enough to produce a complete paper from the future on my father’s computer! The publication date was three-thousand-something. It was on biology and I was SO hyped to read it. Sadly, the dream didn’t last long enough to study it in full – al I know is it was something about mitochondria.
      There was also a random thing about feeding the ravens with walnuts from a basket that was provided at the site of the elevator once you’re back to earth, for whatever reason. No idea what that was about. But the data wind and paper from the future was really cool and creative – definitely one of my favorite dreams.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been randomly having dreams about skating. It’s not likely I’ll take it up again soon.

    13. WineNot*

      I love this topic! I always have really vivid dreams and write them all down. They are usually a lot stranger than this, but I found this one interesting as a single woman who has finally started dating again… A few nights ago, I dreamed that it was my wedding day, but I was wicked anxious and freaking out because I didn’t know who I was marrying or why I was getting married. No one else could help me understand what was going on, but it was happening anyway. Then it flashed forward to the reception, which was in an indoor zoo with giraffes roaming around. So weird.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      I just thought it was absolutely brilliant. I sat down to watch one episode last night and just binged all 4 episodes in one sitting.
      It’s fantastic.

    2. Brunch with Silvia*

      I also binged and loved Etsy. Did you watch the “making of” short also. There was an incredible effort put into the series production.

    3. misspiggy*

      Yes! Adored it. One of my favourite bits was the varied uses of ‘Gut Shabbes’ to have an entire argument on the Sabbath.

    6. Just a PM*

      Loved it! It ended perfectly, I thought. Also watch the “Making” documentary – it’s really fascinating.

    7. Not a cat*

      I am in the minority here, I really, really didn’t like the lead actress and I thought the plot unbelievably unrealistic (the part where she was accepted at Music School–her audition was terrible). The book it was “based on” was really good–but the series, ugh.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        I didn’t think we were told that she’d been accepted, had we?
        Anyway, yes, it was unrealistic and her singing wasn’t ‘music school’ standard… but I still liked it!

      2. Frankie Bergstein*

        I think the author said the same thing — the past in Satmar was based on reality, and the “future” in Germany wasn’t based on her actual story.

        I loved this story. I got Feldman’s book from the library along with Carolyn Jessop’s Escape (similar idea but leaving FLDS rather than Satmar), watched “One of Us” – a documentary about Satmar in NYC – and am generally loving how folks’ courage and curiosity can free them.

    8. Teal*

      I did!

      I watched one episode, stopped because I wanted to binge it, then watched the other three plus the making of another day.

      I thought it was great and kind of wanted one more episode, but it ended where it needed to end.

    9. Windchime*

      Yes! I just binged it over a couple of days and finished it yesterday. I loved it; loved everything about it. It was just such a beautiful story.

    10. Analyst Editor*

      I did, and didn’t like it. I did at first but then the impression fell away.
      I think her transition to secular life is way too easy, I can’t see someone raised very religious being so easy with bare skin, same-sex relationships, multicultural groups, etc. All in one day!
      And they don’t really do a good job of showing why someone would stay in a community like that — basically, that the fluids to the intrusiveness and strictness of that life is also faith, community, and certainty which life outside doesn’t give you as easily.

      I watched Shitsel,v the Israeli show, right after and likes that much more, though it wore on me after ~6 episodes in.

    11. LibbyG*

      I loved it! I had read the memoir, and I was forewarned that the series departs from it.

      I was entranced by the many subtleties. Like when she goes to the night club and is momentarily startled by the stamp on her forearm. I loved the way they put her coming-of-age experience in the context of the collective trauma that informed Satmar culture.

      And her husband Yanke (sp) ended up being a compelling character too. I’ve thought about it a lot since I watched it.

  19. Clodagh*

    Pokemon Go – thanks to everyone who has been sending me gifts over the past few weeks! (I’m ezripop in the game, 4172 9196 7709 if anyone wants to add me.) I can’t reach any stops from my house and I’ve only been going out once or twice a week so getting gifts from people has been great. I’m heading out today for the replacement event for the cancelled Liverpool Safari so I should be able to send some gifts to you all as the day goes on. Fingers crossed I catch some unowns today!

    2. Ismis*

      I have a gift from you sitting there because I’ve been trying to stay home more (ismisecaz). I have worked from home for years, but usually managed to send people gifts at least once a week. The Monday updates aren’t quite as impressive these days – “You walked 0.8km last week” – but at least the guilt for being lazy is gone!

      1. Book Lover*

        Hi, Ismis! Thank you for the Australia gifts. Don’t worry about sending gifts – I am sending gifts from Arizona regularly, feel free to open.

        1. Ismis*

          Thanks! I need to get out for a good walk in the next few days though so hopefully I can send on something. Otherwise, I find it hard to keep track.

      2. Clodagh*

        Leave it sitting as long as you like, Ismis. No pressure to send me anything in the near future. And I feel you about the Monday rewards. I’ve taken to always having my phone in my pocket when I’m rattling about the flat in a not very effective attempt to up my step count for the game!

    3. Retail not Retail*

      Ooh unowns! Jealous!

      I don’t care if people don’t send me gifts, I want them opened so I can send you more.

      (I’m not saying my name bc it’s like yup. That’s where she works.)

      Walking doesn’t aggravate my hip too much and lord knows the dog is happy so even with taking a week off I still got my 50km. And at work since I refuse to ride in vehicles, the distance just keeps ticking.

      1. Clodagh*

        I’ve never caught any unowns before so I was delighted! Also caught a bunch of relicanths which I didn’t have before so it was a successful event for me. Well done on still hitting the 50km every week. I’m not getting anywhere near that, I have to admit!

        1. Retail not Retail*

          Some Monday mornings have been close. I’m off Mondays so I get up and walk the dog weather permitting and sometimes we’ve had to walk further than she wants to get that 50 or more likely to make sure i have an empty egg slot.

          Work usually delivers but greenhouse and weeding days suuuuuck so little walking, my life is hard etc etc etc. i’m also a little resentful of the sped up eggs. No, I want to put in a 7km at 7am and not worry about it.

    4. LGC*

      Sending you an invite! (And I’ve really got to get my own gifts in check – I have a couple from last week that I need to get sent out.)

      Greetings from across the pond, by the way. ;) I got gifts.

    5. MatKnifeNinja*

      Waves hi! The police here are questioning people lingering by Poke stops. There is a stop by my grocery store, so I’ll play on my car for a bit. The “addiction” is real.

      My trainer code

      6675 7680 7387

      I walk almost every day and try to keep my friends under 15 people. Not picky about sending/receiving gifts. I don’t delete after a week of no gifts..lol.

      1. Clodagh*

        Oh, that’s so awkward! The police here have been pretty low key as far as I can tell. I’ve actually only seen two since the lockdown started. I’ve sent you a friend request but won’t be offended if you don’t accept it so you can stay under 15 friends!

    6. Book Lover*

      Hi, Ezripop! You have been a great gifter! I try to send you fun pokestop gifts when I can rather than boring Starbucks ones :). Don’t worry about whether or not you can send gifts.

        1. Clodagh*

          Thank you, Book Lover! And thank you for trying to send me interesting gifts when you can! I love seeing all the weird and wonderful things that get turned into pokestops in different places. I used to feel a bit guilty about sending people so many train stations from my commute to work so at least the lockdown has saved people from yet another train station gift ;)

    7. Cruciatus*

      Good luck on the unowns (or it looks like you did have luck already)! And I figured that you were unable to send anything due to the virus so no worries! I always try to send you new or interesting gifts, but I apparently really like my walking route through the town and the local university so it’s always the same gifts (and even more repetitive now that I don’t go in to work or…anywhere else). I have wondered if you ever went “what the heck?” to any of the gifts since my town and its university are so very, very Scottish in name and mascot. But send when you can, and if you can’t it’s no big deal. I’m able to walk without encountering anyone (or at least able to stay very far away from them) so it’s still (seemingly) very safe for me to be out and about. I’m actually trying to get the motivation to get off my butt now and go out. We got many inches of snow yesterday and while it’s 70% melted now seeing it is zapping my motivation to move.

      1. Clodagh*

        I love the gifts you send, Cruciatus! It really tickles me that so many of the place names where you are are Scottish-influenced. The first time you sent me one that said ‘Edinboro’ I literally said out loud ‘THAT’S why Americans say it like that’ :D I hope you’ve been enjoying getting some gifts from me that aren’t train stations or the place I work for once! I have to admit that the sun we’ve been getting over here has improved my mood during lockdown so hopefully you’ll be snow free soon.

    8. Quiznakit*

      I’m lucky that I’ve got a Pokestop near my house that I can usually pick up when the game has my little avatar running around, but I am really looking forward to this update that’s supposed to let us join in nearby raids even if we’re not actually at the gym in question.

      0462 3571 1865, if anyone needs another friend. I try to keep up with gifts daily, but no fuss if they don’t get opened.

      1. Clodagh*

        I get loads of drift at work, but none from my house so the closest pokestop remains just out of reach. Yeah, the remote raiding is intriguing. I’m looking forward to seeing how it’s going to work. The game developers have been pretty decent at making adjustments to keep people playing in the current circumstances.

  20. Whistling in the dark*

    Spouse and I usually get along okay, but being in lockdown together is really testing us. We’re fortunate in a lot of ways: both still employed, no kids to homeschool, our house is big enough we can go to separate quarters. But as all summer plans disappear, he especially is struggling. He has always struggled with change- he has spectrum tendencies- and I’ve encouraged him in the past to consider therapy. He thinks “this is just how he is” and has zero interest in talking to a therapist. Sigh. I don’t know, I’m just tired of hearing how unhappy he is and there’s no real escape and I feel like a Ladies Home Journal Can This Marriage Be Saved couple.

    1. Jules the First*

      You are perfectly within your rights to tell him that you can’t listen to him talk about how unhappy he is if he won’t commit to trying something to change it. Try “if this is just how you are, then I need you to stop talking about it so often. I find it really hard to be the positive person I like to be when the primary topic of our conversation is how unhappy you are.”

      You could also try modelling good behaviour by seeing a therapist yourself, and said therapist may also have suggestions.

    3. Pieforbreakfast*

      I’m in a similar situation. I’ve had to train myself to not respond to my partner’s complaints and negative/pessimistic conversations as often. I either give him a few minutes then change the topic entirely or just stop responding with the usual attention- what’s called “being a gray rock” so he stops talking. It feels…mean? sometimes, I’m his partner and I should be 100% supportive? But then I also should not be so irritated with him that I start being passive aggressive and sarcastic, which has happened and doesn’t help things.
      This winter he started having physical symptoms of anxiety and I declined to coddle him, just repeated “talk to your doctor not your spouse” until he actually saw his doctor. Who prescribed an SSRI and counseling, one of which he chose and is helping.
      Take care of yourself.

    4. Koala dreams*

      Just because he is content with complaining about how unhappy he is, doesn’t mean you must be content listening to that. It sounds really difficult for you! You can tell him you don’t have the bandwidth to listening to his vents any more. Maybe he can write his complaints in a diary or talk with friends instead?

      I don’t have any advice about the marriage aspect, but I like the advice above about you finding a therapist. Sometimes it’s very helpful talking to a neutral outsider, and maybe you’ll find out what you want. Good luck!

    5. we'll get through this, right?*

      just coming to commiserate…and tell you I got a chuckle out of the “Can This Marriage Be Saved” reference. Don’t you wish someone on the outside could describe your relationship to you?

      I feeling spouse-snarky today as apparently all mine does all day, every day is sit on the couch on his laptop. Actually, that’s not true, sometimes he goes on his phone, and sometimes he lays down on the couch.

    6. Fikly*

      It sounds like maybe he thinks therapy is going to try to change who he is?

      I’ve always found therapy is much more about helping me cope with who I am and who everyone else is and the world.

  21. MistOrMister*

    Anyone have a book and movie adaptation where one of them is perfectly fine and the other scares the snot out of you? For me it’s Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None. I read the book and was looking over my shoulder and pulling the covers over my head for such a lot of it. But the movie (not sure what year it was from, but it’s black and white) didn’t give me creepy vibes at all. Granted, they changed the ending, so I’m sure that’s part of it.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I bought the tie-in book over the Christmas when the mini-series was shown, so the cover was mugshots of the cast. The programme had a really creepy feel to it.

      2. Oxford Comma*

        The BBC miniseries was outstanding. Heartily recommend that. I almost never like the adaptations to things too.

      3. MistOrMister*

        I will have to see if I can find it. I’ve only got prime for streaming and so much of the british stuff is, regretably, not on there for free. Can’t bring myself to have 50 subscriptions to every streaming service in town, though.

        1. HamlindigoBlue*

          Yes, I just checked Amazon, and it’s available for purchase but not included with Prime. I checked our virtual library, and it’s available for streaming there via Hoopla, so that’s what I’ll be watching this weekend.

    2. Retail not Retail*

      I think it’s because our imagination creates scarier scenarios than can realistically be done. Although that one doesn’t have monsters and all that.

      I saw the Bollywood version, Gumnaam. Not scary and the ending was changed. Good music and good performances from some of the cast members.

    3. Haven’t picked out a username yet*

      There is a new version of the book, I think it came out last year and it was definitely creepy and really well done. I believe I watched it on Prime. You should look it up.

    4. The Witch of the Wilds*

      It’s probably a given, considering the source material, but I’ve found Alice in Wonderland adaptations run the gamut from charming to mindfudgery. The Burton films are quirky and charming to me but I’ve found a few of the more modern re-tellings unsettling (but entertaining!), notably Alice (the Syfy mini) & Malice in Wonderland. I think modern settings & less fantastical/more realistic drug references make certain versions of Alice more relatable and thus her predicament becomes somewhat visceral.

    5. T. Boone Pickens*

      Pet Sematary and It the books? Terrifying.

      The screenplay adaptations? While It was still creepy, it didn’t quite have the same punch. Not at all for Pet Sematary.

      1. MistOrMister*

        I read Pet Sematary, but not It. I’m fuzzy on the details but I don’t think I will attempt it again, I remember some parts and once was enough! Cant quite remember if I saw the movie but I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t hold up!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m the other way around – but I think for me it’s because I’m literally incapable of making mental images, so the books are just words and it’s easier to “just a story” it, while the movies put all the scary Right There for me to see in living color. :) I don’t even try to watch Stephen King adaptations anymore, on his horror stuff, because it gives me the wiggins and I can’t sleep for days, but I can read IT right before going to bed and not bat an eyelash.

    7. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      The three Wallander adaptations. The first Swedish is slow paced at the beginning and took some interesting liberties by the end, the second Swedish was able to handle the loss of one of its main actress gracefully (R.I.P. Johana Sällström), and UK’s… well, it’s a hot mess where the only good thing is that Golden Retriever Tom Hiddleston is in it. The only story both Swedish and UK adapted successfully (with massive differences) is The Fifth Woman.

    8. tangerineRose*

      I tried reading Jurassic Park, and gave up. It’s well written but the book is so much more sad and grim than the movie.

    9. Koala dreams*

      The version I saw on TV was very scary. I think it was the 2015 one. I have an opposite example with Curtain, Poirot’s Last Case. The novel felt light and humourous, but the movie (from 2013, maybe?) was dark and scary.

    10. Cendol*

      Just hopping in to say that I’ve never reread And Then There Were None because it frightened me so much. SO creepy. Augh! Glad I’m not alone…

    11. The New Wanderer*

      I read the novel adaptation of the movie Alien before I had the courage to watch the movie. Mistake – the book kept me awake for several nights and I still had nightmares. But after that, I was able to watch the movie and only be a little freaked out. I didn’t have the same reaction to the first sequel (movie or novelization) but that one was more of an action movie and less of a horror story anyway.

      Silence of the Lambs too – I read the book first and it was so, so disturbing. The movie was definitely scary but it didn’t hit me quite as much as the writing.

  22. MistOrMister*

    Has anyone watched City On A Hill? Its free on prime through april 30. I tried it because I really liked Aldis Hodge in Leverage. It’s been interesting. Not my favorite show ever and some inconsistencies are niggling my brain, but overall I’m liking it. More profanity than is really necessary, though.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Oh, thanks for this! I was watching the new season of Bosch, but I will binge City on a Hill instead.

      1. MistOrMister*

        Ha!! Fabulous name!! I’m not ashamed to say I am almost done with the first season. But….maybe a little ashamed b/c I have to stuff i should be doing but I got sucked in this morning!

        1. Damn it, Hardison!*

          Yeah, I was going to take advantage of the cloudy weather to wash windows, but not anymore! My husband is delighted by this turn of events. (My cats are named Sophie and Parker, no joke.)

    2. Filosofickle*

      I recently sought it out, also because of Hodge. I watched the first episode and wasn’t interested enough to watch another.

      1. Violet Strange*

        This is me. I love a lot of the cast as well as Hodge (huge Leverage fsn) but found the show tedious and didn’t get past the first episode.

  23. coffee cup*

    I’ve been feeling lonely this week. At least three more weeks of being on my own. I can do it, but it’s been hard going. I’m missing hugs and just seeing people I care about in real life. Not the end of the world at all, but I think coupled with getting used to my antidepressants (mostly fine now) and working at home, it’s been tougher than I thought.

    My answer last week was to order myself dungarees. They are SO comfy and have cheered me up during lockdown. This week I’m on the hunt for a bakery who will deliver to me, as I’m really missing nice cake.

    1. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’m not sure if you’re in the right area so ignore this if it’s no good, but SE Cakery is brilliant and they are doing deliveries at the moment. I recommend the brownies in particular.

      And I hear you on missing hugs and seeing people. I have regular video calls with my loved ones every week, but it just isn’t the same. Sending virtual hugs in case it helps though.

      1. coffee cup*

        Aw thanks. I am in Scotland so I doubt it, sadly! But brownies do sound amazing. I’m on the lookout for somewhere that might deliver.

    2. Gaia*

      I’m not a hugger in my normal day to day life but lately I’ve just been craving a hug so bad. I miss them so much and I never thought that was possible.

      I’ve already warned friends that when this is over hugging all of them. Probably for an inappropriately long time. And I just need them to be okay with that.

      I hope you get your cake.

    3. Colette*

      I was really struggling earlier this week. I had a 4 day weekend last week, and the realization that going “back to work” wouldn’t involve actually seeing anyone hit me hard.

      And then it got better, but I think this is going to be an ongoing struggle for a lot of us.

      Is there something you can do to feel more connected? My family did an Easter zoom call last week, for example, which was really nice (even though I wouldn’t have seen 90% of them if the world has been normal.)

  24. ManName Longhair*

    Since barber shops are closed in my state, I wanted to experiment with growing my hair out long. I am a man (late 20s) and have never done this before.

    I’ve never really had a chance to do long hair *well*. The default growing up, and around a lot of my family (for men), is short to long-ish short. Whenever I’ve left my hair uncut for a while, I always defaulted to that too, even if I didn’t like the result.

    I can kinda see why, up through when I left for college, my parents wouldn’t let my hair go past a certain point (besides HS dress codes that forbade hair at the neckline for guys). I didn’t give two fucks about upkeep, and combing was just “run hands through hair to pat it down.” Now I actually *do* care about upkeep… combing it every morning, combing it when I’m about to leave for an event, washing it every day, etc. I think I could probably pull this off if I did it right.

    So, if I were to have long hair with a short or medium beard, hair being fine/somewhat wavy and beard being springy/somewhat curly (naturally), what would you suggest as far as care and feeding? (If it matters, the hair is naturally light-brown and the beard is naturally red.)

    1. Anon Anon*

      You are probably not at the point yet, but once it’s about shoulder length all around, you may need conditioner! Just a little bit, and mostly on the ends. You probably won’t need conditioner near your scalp. Also, once it gets to the shoulder length, you have to be a little more careful when combing your hair while wet. Hair is a lot stretchier when its wet and it’s easy to get stuck in knots and break strands. You’ll also be better off with a brush when your hair is dry.

      If you are using hair bands/ties to make a ponytail, you can get breakage from that too, so be gentle. If the ponytail is loose and you want it tighter, start over rather than pushing the band up your hair. Any rolling of the band over your hair will tangle some of it.

    3. Lyra*

      Once your hair gets long enough to really start getting tangled in it, definitely start using conditioner (if you don’t already). My bearded friends used beard conditioner/beard oil – products specific for beards rather than hair. Anecdotally, I think it makes a big difference in keeping a beard pleasantly soft.

      You might want to wash (and condition) yourn hair less often as it gets longer as well. Washing daily can make your hair too dry, which makes it more prone to damage, especially if it’s already rather fine.

      If you’re planning to keep growing it out once everything reopens, tell your barber/hairdresser next time you see them, and ideally they can give you a cut that will be flattering as it grows out, rather than something intended for frequent trims.

    4. Bubble buried in this Jungle*

      I’ve worn long hair / beard / mustache for over 40 years. A few things:

      – As Anon said, add conditioner to your hair washing routine. Also, get a dedicated brush – combs don’t work well for long hair.
      – For me, the important part has been controlling my facial hair. Sideburns mustache etc should be sharp and well-defined. Unless you’re Nick Offerman, avoid the ‘neck-beard’ look. Again: sharp, well-defined lines under your jaw and along the ear.
      – I swear to God I’m not shilling for them: the Philips-Norelco OneBlade system is the only electric shaving system I’ve ever used that really does what it claims to do. You’ll probably still want to keep several wet-shave blades around, but the OneBlade will be your main tool.

      Enjoy!

    5. KR*

      As your hair gets longer, watch out combing it especially if you have somewhat curly hair. You will want to move to a wide tooth brush if you find your curls start separating or your hair gets frizzy/poofy. A wide tooth comb allows you to comb the curls while maintaining the shape of the curl.

      Also yes to conditioner when your hair gets longer. How much you use depends on how curly your hair is and the humidity levels where you live. If you find your hair getting dry, you may want to limit washing to a couple times a week. If you start getting some seriously long hair, you may have to look into getting a curl creme or a small bit of conditioner in your hand, bending over so your hair is upside down, and gently crunching your hair up towards your head. It helps your curls maintain their shape. Good luck on your curly journey.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      As your hair gets longer, if you find that it gets really tangled at night you can braid it before bed and take the braids out the next morning (or just wear your hair braided, for that matter). Leaving hair braided overnight makes it much easier to comb out in the morning since it can’t get as tangled.

  25. CoffeeforLife*

    So Florida is opening beaches. Good idea, right? They are only a few weeks away from their predicted infection high so makes perfect sense. I mean, gotta protect that economy.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      I love living through an experiment in epidemiology! Always wanted to!

      What’s killing me is extending orders 1-2 weeks at a time. Just overestimate, you can always cancel it early.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      Alison, please delete me. I’m feeling cranky and shouldn’t have posted my sarcastic rant.

      1. Ann Onny Muss*

        Your sarcastic rant is fine. I’m feeling the same way about those people who insist on reopening despite the great risk of doing so. I live in a state that has a sane governor but there are still idiots who are “fed up with this [gay, Jewish*] Nazi and are going to March on the state capital to force a reopening.” Never mind the fact the state is still a hotspot and hasn’t reached its peak yet (proof that social distancing *does* work).

        *The cognitive dissonance is mind boggling.

      2. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Honestly – you just said what a lot of people are thinking. My unfiltered thoughts lately are not always the kindest. At my most unkind, I am perfectly happy for about 30% of the population to die.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I’ll admit I’ve had a few times I thought about this — I’m in NYC which is awful and I see news reports of crowds gathering for things or people posting that this is a hoax and not real….and I’m just like……Darwin do your thing. Except perfectly innocent people can get infected to. At this point it’s almost criminal to bedoing this.

          1. Alexandra Lynch*

            Yeah, I look at this and I’m in Indiana, and thinking, “You all can be as stupid as you want, but I don’t want your stupidity hurting me and mine!” Our local idiots rallied in front of the Governor’s mansion today to protest the stay at home orders.

            1. Epiphyta*

              Happened here in Washington today, and I’m cursing like a banshee because my bestie lives there with her children and is an essential worker – if she gets sick because of contact with some schmuck who was at this protest, I am going to set people alight with the power of my mind.

    4. TimeCat*

      There was this article about how The Villages (this horrible retirement community (I say horrible because they have this age restriction and have kicked out people with very little accommodation because the grandparents have ended with with their grandkids due to tragedies or similar). It’s all retirees and they haven’t been social distancing. Coronavirus could literally decimate the place.

      1. JKP*

        It’s not just the Villages. There are lots of communities in FL with age restrictions on the deeds. And if the grandparents end up with the grandkids, they do have to move somewhere else. It’s because none of those communities pay taxes for the school system. If even one resident ends up with kids living with them and going to school, then suddenly everyone in the community has to start paying all of those taxes and the whole community loses its exempt status, possibly permanently. So all of the 55+ deed restricted communities police that hard, not just the Villages. My dad was on the HOA for their community (not Villages) and more than once they did have to kick out people who had their grandkids living there. But you know the age restrictions before you ever move to a retirement community.

          1. Policy wonk*

            They had to create these loopholes because people in these retirement villages all vote, and kept voting down funding for schools. It was the only way to be able to have bond referendums etc.

              2. Black Horse Dancing*

                It’s not like religious institutions pay taxes. Why should they be the only exemption?

                2. Anonnington*

                  So, like, I could start a community for people who are ok with dying in fires. You sign something when you move in and you don’t pay taxes that fund the fire dept. And they don’t come to your community if there’s a fire. You’re on your own. Great idea, right?

                  You see, it sounds crazy, but it’s analogous. You depend on young people getting a good education because they’re going to be doing all the jobs that you depend on. Unless you want your community to be completely self-sufficient and sealed off from the outside world.

          2. Fikly*

            This happens in communities with large religious communities that all privately school their children, too. If they are in a large enough population to control the school budget, the public schools get less and less money and fall apart. See Rockland County in New York for an example of this – there have been lawsuits in recent years.

      2. TexasRose*

        Keep in mind that the Villages is a deed-restricted, planned community ruled by a Home Owner’s Association (which is, in itself, a taxing authority, by state law). You have to sign a contract to abide by their rules** at about the same time you sign the financial documents to buy property there. It’s the Disneyland of retirement communities: heavily curated, and full of entitled people who would prefer that the unpleasant truths (poverty, liberals, etc.) not impinge on THEIR world.
        **The rules specify – I kid you not – what kind of trees and grass you can grow, and how closely they must be trimmed. And the HOA can fine you if you don’t comply, and put a lien on your house to collect the fines. Everyone there AGREED to this power structure before they moved in. [I much prefer my unincorporated, non-regimented community, that includes a few small mango orchards, and households that raise domestic chickens and alpacas (for the wool), all in a suburban setting.]

    5. Misty*

      I have a serious question (I’m putting serious in front of it because I feel like it’s going to sound sarcastic typed out). But how does opening beaches protect the economy in FL? Do they charge for parking? Isn’t going to the beach free?

      In my area we have a lot of small beaches (which are closed and they blocked off parking) but they don’t make a lot of money off of them, but I guess they do make a lot of money off of the tourists and 2nd home people coming here and shopping after going to the beach. Is it the same thing in FL? I’m actually curious and I did google it but figured maybe other people here would know.

      I don’t think they should open the beaches yet as I think too many people would be there esp since there’s nothing else to do since everything is closed (altho Idk if this is the case in FL since that’s not near me) but I’m curious why they would open the beaches to help the economy.

      1. Gaia*

        It doesn’t. But also: how did they list WWE wrestling as an essential business with a straight face?

      2. ThatGirl*

        Many beaches do charge for parking, though I can’t speak for all of them. Locals can get parking passes.

      3. Elenna*

        Maybe the thought is “if beaches are closed there will be no reason for tourists to come here so we won’t get any tourist money”? Of course, that ignores the fact that nobody should be travelling anywhere anyways.

      4. TexasRose*

        Okay, I’ll admit I have a bit of bias here. I live in Florida now, and the beach issue is one that is playing out in my local area. The county has re-opened the beaches for exercise purposes only, not sunbathing or all-day parties. The beach-side locals have deliberately retired to a beach-side community BECAUSE it’s beach-side — and last week they were being told they can’t walk to the beach from their home to take their usual 5-mile jog down the surf-line. (This is why the parking lots are closed. The locals don’t want the tourists coming in and having beach parties; the locals just want to get the ion-high from exercising near the surf, and enjoy what they consider to be their “extended back yard.”)
        And for many of these locals, the stock market tanking has hit their retirement accounts HARD. So, in their minds (or budget projections), they very well may be living in end times, or at least the end times of their own comfortable home where they chose to retire. That kind of economic despair changes what folks are willing to risk for short-term comfort and solace.

    6. WellRed*

      One of my coworker’s (we are WFH) will be sending her kids back to daycare when it opens next week. Schools are closed, gvt, non essential–basically everything, but her daycare, a cesspool in the best of times, is opening?

    7. Might be Spam*

      My son lives in Miami and his roommate is an EMT who can’t get any PPE. She even had to buy her own gloves. It’s not a question of “If” they are going to get sick, but “When.”

    8. Pinkie pie*

      I live in Daytona Beach. Our beaches are open but public parking is not. It’s interesting.

    9. Ann O.*

      I don’t think it’s obviously a bad idea. Between the waves, shifting sand, and sun, a beach seems like a low-risk environment. They usually have plenty of space for people to stay the recommended 6 feet apart.

      I’ve Googled my heart out for it, and I couldn’t find any accounts of clusters or superspreading events associated with beaches (or actually even any outdoor environment).

    10. Analyst Editor*

      I agree with you, and support the precautionary principle. But to bake you feel a bit better, there’s studies going around suggesting that infection is way way more likely to happen indoors than outdoors, and sunlight held against it (UV, immune boost, all sorts of theories). So…. Better than opening up the indoor pools I guess!

    11. KR*

      My dad lives in Florida and I’m just so nervous he will not be able to continue working (he has paid sick leave right now because he’s high risk, but who knows how long his company will keep paying him) or he will get sick with the disease. I don’t understand all these people protesting the disease prevention methods – do they just think they can protest the disease away? That if they make a big enough stink they’ll find a vaccine and everything will go back to normal? Ugh, I’ll show myself out.

      2. tangerineRose*

        They should take the energy they’re using for protesting and use it to figure out ways to open up some businesses safely. I wonder how many businesses are closed that could work by selling over the internet.

        1. Anonnington*

          I completely agree. Even bars and restaurants could adapt. It wouldn’t be the same, but there is plenty of room to innovate. It would be better than just being closed vs putting people at risk.

    12. Retail not Retail*

      They’re opening a local golf course (golf courses took forever to shut down because “we serve food” and “we’re not in that municipality”) and blah blah blah social distancing experiment.

      In looking at the beaches, it kind of makes sense if you think of them as local parks – our city parks closed their parking lots and all amenities, but are still open to walking/running/biking.

      I just want to grab these protestors and go we haven’t even plateaued let alone seen a reduction in cases! Cool your jets!

      In the article about the golf course one golfer said it’s nice to get some exercise. Oh i was unaware that walking without a golf club in hand is just invisible. /also cranky – who golfs? Who probably isn’t feeling a big economic hurt? Who has solid health insurance? Probably not the course staff disinfecting your stupid golf carts.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Golf courses stayed open here, they just closed the clubhouses and went contactless in terms of paying for rounds. Really, it seems pretty reasonable since it’s a way to get a walk without other people crowding you since you have your own scheduled time and the sport norms already included staying out of other people’s way. I’d rather my dad played golf than took up walking on the local nature paths, which are pretty crowded. I don’t know about other places, but it’s a really common retiree sport here across a lot of economic levels, and I’d rather older folks who want to walk get a way to do so safely with lots of space, but also someone who will notice if you just don’t come back in a few hours, and golf has both of those things built in.

    13. Anonnington*

      I hate to say it, but I foresee another spike in infections if things start to reopen in the absence of medical advances. Social distancing just keeps the disease at bay, so to speak. It isn’t an actual cure or treatment. Reopening should be done in response to changes in disease management from a medical perspective – much more widespread testing, improvements in treatment, etc. We are making progress in that direction, but not enough to turn things around just yet.

      Instead, we’ve created a situation where people are hungry for social time, they have a false sense of security because they haven’t gotten sick yet, leaders are back to setting bad examples, and there is a lot of misinformation out there. And the disease has spread far enough that exposure could increase rapidly with just a few days of care-free beach-going.

      We can’t control other people. I think the trick at this point is to keep playing it safe and avoid all the nonsense until there really is cause to return to normal.

      And the economy! You see, lots of people getting sick at once will be even worse for the economy. We can get the economy going by changing how we do things in order to make it safer. New business ideas, not, “back to normal.”

  26. nep*

    Anyone else’s digestion gone to hell during the pandemic?
    Eating slightly differently just because I’ve not really adapted my shopping properly; but mostly it’s stress. I’ve not had digestion problems for AGES and now, ugh.

    1. MoopySwarpet*

      Not really anything that manifests to the level of a problem, but my stomach has been more grumbly and gassy than normal.

    2. RobotWithHumanHair*

      Definitely. I don’t think I’ve been eating any worse/better than I ordinarily do, but the stress of everything goes right to my stomach. Either that, or it manifests in headaches which lead to intense nausea which, again, goes right to my stomach.

      What’s especially irritated is that it’s led to me not going out for a run as much as I need to for fear of…having issues a couple miles out from home.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Yep! My acid reflux is back in full force, as is my random nausea (probably related to the acid reflux, apparently it can present as nausea some times). Whether we consciously feel stressed or not during this time, I think our bodies can express it for us.

      1. nep*

        Absolutely. Stress hits the physical body HARD.
        Hope you’ll have some relief. I never had such bad heartburn–it’s awful. Working on ways to really mitigate the stress.

      3. NoLongerYoung*

        Yes. It’s bad enough that it feels like the ulcer is back… and I’ve been great for a year! Not sure if it is the stress (likely) or the food (lots more dairy and sugar). But definitely bad enough that I’m going to need to re-start the meds.

      4. Diahann Carroll*

        Mine is back as well after 8 years of no problems – it’s horrible, and this OTC stuff is not cutting it. I don’t want to have my doctor call me in a prescription somewhere because I do not want to go and get it, but I may have to if this doesn’t get better. :(

    4. Wouldyoulikecheesewiththat?*

      I’m staying with a lovely friend and she has a completely different eating style than I do. Much later dinner, she eats way fewer veggies, but much more dairy/protein. So I’m eating more, and my stomach feels a little different. She has been so gracious with getting me groceries, but I’m still eating kind of a different style. This is the most cheese I think I’ve ever had!!

    5. Trixie*

      I’m eating more refined foods (with plenty of carbs = sugar), less produce/veggies, and not moving as much as I should. All resulting in not feeling physically energetic.

    6. Chaordic One*

      Yes, and I’m not exactly sure why. It has been difficult to maintain the same amount of fruit and vegetables in my diet as I usually do. I’ve been eating a bit more carbs than usual and more sweets which isn’t good. I’ve also been drinking more coffee during the day. The worst part is having some mild acid reflux and it is caffeine-free herbal tee that I’ve drunk before bedtime.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have found eating a varied diet to be tricky, since I can’t justify visiting the larger supermarkets with a wider range of products. However I have been ordering pre-prepared meals from a very good local caterer once a week, which means I can have a bit of a change.

  27. Blue Eagle*

    Decluttering Update #4

    Decluttering was going great guns for a little over 3 months when it partly came to an abrupt halt due to the stinkin’ coronavirus because (1) all the thrift shops have been shut down and are no longer accepting items and (2) recycling has been shut down and everything put out for recycling goes straight in the trash truck until further notice.

    There is one silver lining in the current situation. Just before the shutdown, I finished clearing out all the accumulated stuff in the “loser bedroom” and was able to recycle/thrift it so now I have a place to put the boxes of (1) stuff to take to the thrift shop and (2) stuff to put out when recycling starts up again. So even though the totally cleaned out “loser bedroom” is starting to accumulate stuff, it is stuff that will be gone soon enough. At least the trash truck is still picking up trash so useless items are continuing to vacate the house.

    After 4 months of decluttering, it feels really good to see the house begin to look the way it did when we moved in – minimum entropy.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      It’s really awesome that you’ve come so far, and that you’re still working on it in these conditions!

    2. LuJessMin*

      After years of saying I needed to clean out my shed, I’ve finally done it! Of course, it’s all in my garage until I get the shed sprayed for ants and then sprayed again (there were a LOT of ants). I sorted through everything in the garage, and I have about 10 boxes for Goodwill whenever they reopen. I had about 5 bags of trash, but could only put 2 of them out at trash days because I ran out of extra refuse stickers.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Good question!
        I assumed it was because all the stuff in it would go away, i.e. get lost. BUT maybe “loser bedroom” has a bigger story behind it!
        *sigh* I could use a good story right now…

        1. Blue Eagle*

          Loser bedroom is just because it was so filled with stuff that you could barely walk in it and didn’t have a bed in it. Sorry to say that there isn’t a better story.

    4. Chaordic One*

      You know, I really do try to recycle as much as possible, however recently my local recycling center stopped accepting plastic. I feel bad about it, but I think that for my own sanity it is important to get rid of some of the trash and make space, so I’m willing to let things go t0 the landfill.

  28. nep*

    For those who regularly worked out at a gym, what are you doing for exercise? Favorite YT channels/workouts? Have you taken up something new now that you can’t go to the gym?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My partner lifts weights and bought a barbell and plates almost immediately after our building’s gym closed. This morning we’re going to a local gym to pick up a set of plates he’s renting from them.

      As for me, I’m using the barbell without plates. I started doing Mr. Motivators daily 12-minute workouts and I love them. That plus my morning dog walks.

      2. Artemesia*

        I only had 5 pound weights in my place — so when they closed our building gym I ordered a couple of 10 pounders which should come soon — I am used to being able to use gym weights and the nautilus machine for weight resistance. We take long walks and I do the Canadian 12 minute workout in the morning. Their military developed a quick morning series of stretches and exercises and they are available on line. The routines are designed to be progressive and also matched to age and gender. It is nice to just have a set of things to work through. I do them in the morning while I am making coffee and oatmeal.

    3. annakarina1*

      I workout to Hasfit videos on YouTube, they feature a married fitness professional couple, and the weight workouts are pretty challenging, I get winded out when I’m not familiar with the moves or hadn’t done an older video in a long time. I also join Zoom workouts from my local yoga studio and Muay Thai gym, where an instructor either at home or in the studio teaches the class virtually. It’s been good for connecting with people I know casually and having that routine.

    5. Parenthetically*

      @aliceliveing does live workouts every day(? or most days?) on Insta live! She’s just a completely lovely human. Bodyweight exercises and kettlebell stuff, and they’re KILLER workouts.

      2. nep*

        I love @getupwithhannah on IG. She is fantastic with the kettlebell, and has great bodyweight moves. Karen Smith is great also @_coach_karen_

    6. Rachel*

      I’m using Beachbody right now, the workout programs are great and really challenging. I also love Sydney Cummings on youtube. She posts full length workouts everyday as well as stretching and foam rolling videos. Also discoverd Madfit, Heather Robertson and the Popsugar fitness account, all free follow along workouts. I’m honestly working out MORE than I was before lol.

    7. Nessun*

      I lift…or rather, I did. My trainer has been working with me on a body-weight regimen based on what she knows of me, and giving me workouts each week, including step targets for getting outside for cardio. I’m very lucky, she made the switch to “online” offerings very quickly, and she’s great. We dont want to lose all the work we did together, and it’s great to keep myself accountable.

    8. Stephanie*

      My gym was on the ball and recorded a whole lot of videos and release a new one each day. They’ve also started doing Zoom group workouts, which are great.
      I did go for a “run” (which was really a very slow jog, mixed with a lot of walking) once, early on in the quarantine, but it was awful. I’ve been walking the dogs almost daily, and have thought about taking up some yoga, but haven’t done it yet.

    9. CoffeeforLife*

      I’m doing nothing, but my gym is doing zoom sessions and corporate is sending daily workouts via their app (orange theory). I have zero equipment at home and maybe a negative 10 motivation to do anything.

    10. Wandering*

      Have you seen the US Figure Skaters “off ice challenge” on twitter? Start with JasonBskates at twitter, each skater hands off to another or another team. Fun to see what individuals can manage on their own. I can’t keep up with them at all! (Note: “off ice” challenge merges with “office” challenge if you just follow the hashtag.)

    11. A New Normal*

      I have a little step machine I got years ago on a fitness kick and then stuck in the back of my closet. Now that my gym’s closed I’ve pulled it out and am tracking how ‘far’ I can get in 30 minutes every other day. That and yoga when I get the motivation. Unfortunately my kitten loves to join me for yoga so I wind up in some interesting poses trying to work around her.

    12. Kuododi*

      I’ve been involved in my local Y for about 3yrs give or take. My trainer through LiveStrong connected our group with a link for free online workouts sponsored by the Y. The classes involve a great deal of yoga, Barre exercises etc. Nothing requiring lots of equipment. Typically, a chair for balance and if you don’t have access to small handweights can improvise using water bottles, soup cans or the like.

    13. Frankie Bergstein*

      Heather Robertson: She has a free, YouTube-based 12-week plan with 5 workouts per day. She uses a lot of tabata, HIIT, etc. the only equipment needed is weights and a stability ball, but you don’t need either for the first week.

      5 Parks Yoga: The teacher, Erin, has over 300 videos (all free). There is a variety of times from 10 minutes to almost 90 minutes. They range from prep-for-sleep yoga to a sweaty power yoga sesh.

    14. Turtlewings*

      I had finally talked myself into visiting my apartment complex gym, and gone all of twice, when the lockdown came. After a couple weeks of living like a coral, to the point that my butt hurt from sitting all day, I started looking for workout videos on the Amazon Prime channel. The first two I tried were way, way beyond my ability to do, but I finally found a stupidly basic beginner video that I can MOSTLY do. Pretty sobering to realize just how little stamina, flexibility, strength or basic physical competence I have. I’m totally in shape, though. Round is a shape!

    15. WineNot*

      Hi! My mom and I have discovered Sydney Cummings on YouTube/instagram. She posts YouTube videos every day with different length workouts for different body parts, HIIT, cardio, etc. She is awesome and really pushes us, we’ve been working out at home for the last month and discovered her two weeks ago or so and I feel amazing. She does a lot with weights, but I think also has some no-equipment workouts too. We tried workouts from a few other people before finding her that we just didn’t love or feel pushed by. Highly recommend her!

      https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVQJZE_on7It_pEv6tn-jdA

    16. WineNot*

      I’ve always been a gym person but I found a woman on YouTube that has me questioning whether I’ll fully return to a normal gym routine. Sydney Cummings is awesome – she has all different length workouts for different body parts, HIIT, cardio, etc. My mom and I have been working out at home for a month-ish now, discovered her two or so weeks ago and LOVE her. We’d tried a few other peoples videos first, but feel motivated and pushed by Sydney. Highly recommend! Posted this once before but it disappeared…

      1. nep*

        Cool–I’m going to check her out. I love finding new fitness people online. I follow a LOT, but always great to see a new approach/routine/etc.

        1. WineNot*

          Definitely! She does workouts that are timed and with music (as I’ve found a lot of people who do YouTube workout videos do) so you’re forced to work hard. A lot of the workouts introduce at least one new exercise that I haven’t seen before, so it’s also cool to find new exercises to add to the memory bank. I’m a fan! Have fun!

    17. Reba*

      Not a gym per se but I did a video ballet class from my studio today! It was conditioning and surprisingly really fun. I used a kitchen cart for my “barre.”

    18. Epiphyta*

      My local gym is offering fitness classes through Zoom, as is the local yoga studio.

      I’m a fan of Darebee: they’re free (supported by donations) and there are 1400+ workouts, most of which do not require any equipment.

      I have an old NordicTrack ski machine and after finding some parts online and working through maintenance with the manual, have started using it on the days I can’t go out for a walk (the pollen count locally is bananas).

      1. NightOwl*

        Ooh, I still have my NordicTrack; it was the first piece of equipment I bought myself years ago. I should use it one of these days. I regret throwing away the book stand/water bottle holder in a move years ago; that part was around $50 last time I looked – ugh!

    19. NightOwl*

      I tried to be a gym person and never really got into it (aside from liking some kickboxing classes) so I’ve “tried” to be an at-home exerciser. Surprisingly, I’ve been working out more during this shelter in place; I think it’s due to my anxiety and working out helps. I have a home gym and have been using the treadmill, varying my speed/resistance and watching some fun old shows on Amazon Prime. If you’re used to weights, perhaps some dumbbells or resistance bands may work. There are a lot of good suggestions from other commenters, and I’ve heard that some fitness pros have some workouts available that use your own body weight as resistance, so you could use them if you don’t have any equipment available.

  29. Help with Help*

    Sort of pandemic related. I used to live across the street from an 84- year old German lady about a year and a half ago. She lived alone and had no family around (no kids and husband passed away 20 years before). I liked to say hi, bring little goodies for her, and have her interact with my two kids. She has seen them grow from babies into a rambunctious tot and kindergartner. However, she smokes a lot. Never when we are over, but enough that when we lived there, we would stay outside. After we moved, I would still call and visit her every once in awhile.

    The last few visits have been weird. First, we had to go in her house, since she has had more than a few falls and don’t feel comfortable straining her. Second, my husband hated that the kids came back home smelling like smoke and didn’t want me to take them next time (I understand). Third, she tells me that she’s just waiting to die, and I don’t know how to react to that at all.

    Now it’s been a month since the pandemic hit the area, and I’ve shamefully avoided calling her. I don’t know how to help, especially since both my husband and I aren’t working, and we have a huge house renovation we were in the middle of, so budget is super tight, and we’ve been staying in an rv meanwhile (a year to be specific). I am trying to do the homeschool thing with my son.

    She has also told me that she was really upset when one of the other neighbors brought her groceries when she asked them too, but they didn’t take the money for them. She was upset because “she’s not a charity case”.

    I guess I am looking for what to say when she says she’s waiting to die, and what I can do to help. I really want to call her and see how she is, but I don’t like to be in the position of saying “Yeah, that sucks ” like an idiot. I don’t know what she is going through, and I recognize that.

    1. Blue Eagle*

      One thing I’ve noticed is that people who make comments like this don’t want to be told “oh, no you won’t die” or something similar. My suggested response would be to ask her something like – What is something you wish people would know about you? or What is a piece of advice you would give to people about living as long as you have lived?, etc, etc (just figure out what would be appropriate questions for that particular person of something to share with others, perhaps after she has passed).

      1. J.B.*

        I like this suggestion. Also is there something she might be willing to talk to your son about? Some sort of school-ish discussion?

        I know that it feels difficult to reach out, but am glad that you are thinking of doing so. I would also send her a note, as receiving something in the mail would likely be good connection.

        1. Help with Help*

          I like this too. She doesn’t have a computer, so a letter or a card may be a great way for my son to practice writing too!

      2. Help with Help*

        That’s a nice idea. It is hard for me to understand what to say, both my grandfathers passed before I was born, and both my grandmothers passed when I was a child, so I am not to comfortable with what to say in these situations.

      3. Not A Manager*

        In a way, her unwillingness to accept charity might make it easier to help her out, if you’re so inclined. The next time you’re getting groceries or going to the pharmacy, you could ask her if she needs anything, and be fairly confident that she’ll reimburse you. Especially if she’s had falls and doesn’t like to go out, AND you say that she’s not online, it might be super helpful for her if you could run an essential errand for her.

        In terms of “waiting to die” comments, I take a couple of approaches depending on the person and how they’re saying it. Sometimes it’s something more light, like, “okay, but what are you enjoying doing in the meantime?” Sometimes it’s acknowledging that it’s hard to be alone/be sick/be in their shoes and say “I hope you’re able to enjoy this beautiful day,” or whatever. I think the most important thing, as someone said above, is not to minimize how they feel or argue with it.

        1. Help with Help*

          That’s true. I can also try to order an online drop off for her too. Acknowledging the statement, though it’s obvious, didn’t occur to me in that way.

    2. MatKnifeNinja*

      My aunt is 80 and a smoker. She told us 1) she’s not going to the hospital to die alone, and has the same issue being a “charity case”.

      The I want to die part, I told her I’m glad she has it all sorted out. And she has the right to live life on her own terms.

      Charity case…I take the money and use it towards her food drop run. I buy a little better quality canned soup, fancier cookies…little gifties that I just drop by whenever. I never flat out refuse, because that just makes her angry.

      1. Help with Help*

        That’s true. I don’t think I would refuse, I just feel weird because I know she doesn’t have too much money as well.

    3. Anono-me*

      The letters are a brilliant idea.

      I would also say that it would be a win-win if your kindergartener makes pictures for your former neighbor. (She gets a space and day brightener, and your kindergartner gets a purposeful activity.) If your area is doing the bear hunt, one of the things your kindergartner can color is a teddy bear for her to put in the window. A lot of areas are also doing rainbows in the windows.

      It might be helpful to to ask your former neighbor to write your kindergartener stories about when she was a little girl. Most kids love those kind of true stories. And your neighbor might not be sure what to write back to a child.

      1. Help with Help*

        We haven’t seen the rainbows or bears too much for that matter, but we have seen and done the hearts. We can do one for her. I like it! Thank you.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have heard this from a few people and it comes in variations.

      My 60 something y/o friend said: “I am good here. If I die tomorrow, I feel I have had a full life.”
      I said, “Get a plan just in case you don’t die tomorrow. Know how you will fill your days.” (It’s been 10 years, she’s still here.) I did add that it was hard for me to listen to her say that from a selfish perspective but I also know that at some point I will want the people around me to respect me IF and when I say that.

      A much loved, 70 something y/o, aunt who had suffered several tragedies plus health issues in a short time: “I feel I have done all I can do here and I am ready to go home.”
      I said, “I understand. And I think that at some point I will probably feel the same way, also. I would want the people around me to let me go when it’s my time.”(She passed within a few years.)

      Currently I have an 81 year old friend whose way of broaching this subject is to repeatedly point out that she probably won’t be here five years from now. I said, “So be it then. Until that day, I will happily walk beside you. And you will always be my friend.” This relationship is similar to the one you described, where she has been my neighbor for 27 years. We have so much shared history. Sometimes I can turn the conversation to a shared memory, “Hey remember that time my previous dog got loose and you [punchline of cute story here]?” You might reminiscence about some cute things the kids did that she would remember.

      I use the same pattern each time she says it:
      I show acceptance. Yep, we don’t live forever. So this can be a simple, “I understand.” (Right, I don’t entirely understand her setting, but I do understand that people get tired. Really tired.)
      Next, I indicate that she is my friend and I am willing to walk beside her for as long as she remains here.
      Last and optionally, I segue into a story of shared memory that might remind her of the warmth and camaraderie. This can get her laughing and she tells another story and off we go as the conversation is redirected. I think that the reminiscing helps in some ways.

      1. Help with Help*

        I really like these scripts. I am sure maybe trying to get her to talk about Germany would be great. I wish I could walk with her, but I’m not comfortable with exposing her right now.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ugh, sorry, i meant the figurative “walk through life with you”. Yeah, taking the older ones out now is not a great idea, I agree.

    5. OhBehave*

      She sounds lonely and depressed. It’s so common for the elderly. Now that no one can visit, it’s especially hard. Getting things in the mail is exciting for them. Please do reach out to her. Imagine if your highlight is waiting to die. That’s incredibly sad. Suggestions here seem like good ideas. You can also ask her about her youth. Things she liked to do. Regale her with funny things your kids say or do.
      As far as the smoking is concerned, you can’t visit now any way but when you can, don’t take the kids, or take them right before baths! They don’t need to go every time.
      Please reach out to her.

      1. Help with Help*

        You will be happy to know I called her this morning. She was happy I called. I asked about her grocery situation. It isn’t regular, so I offered to order stuff for her, since she doesn’t have a computer. She doesn’t trust having her credit card number put online for an order, so I told her I would see what the other options are. She was grateful. She said she had enough stuff for the next few days, so not to worry. She offered a Japanese Maple sapling to me! We talked about the kids, neighbors (she likes to gossip, haha). She did mention again that she might not make it through this, and I asked her what she wanted people to know about her. She said “Nothing! I don’t want anyone to know anything about me. This neighborhood isn’t what it used to be.”

        At least I had a different response, and I wasn’t as nervous about it. I’ll try other scripts because I know she’ll say it again. I will call her again probably tomorrow. She got to say hello to my daughter. She was happy, which makes me happy!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You sound a little more comfortable with all this. I am glad. If you run out of things to say, you can always just say, “I will miss you. I am so glad we are friends.”

          The mindset is different at her stage and being candid is more acceptable perhaps even comforting.

          PS. I hope you take the Japanese Maple. Those are not an inexpensive plant here, if someone offered me one, I would jump that offer. It will be a nice connection to her now and in the future also.

      2. Not A Manager*

        Good for you for reaching out. I know how hard it can be to overcome that feeling of “I won’t know what to say/I can’t be helpful enough,” etc. And it’s modeling good behavior for your kids, too. I’m glad your daughter got to speak with her.

  30. Lily*

    Helle everyone!

    The National Theatre is broadcasting one of their shows each week on youtube, for free and with subtitles. This Thurday it was Treasure Island.

    I mentioned it last week but I thought I would post again in case some missed it and in case some wanted to talk about it.

    BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS SHOW and I am overanalyzing as usual and have already written a bunch down and maybe someone else wants to discuss with me?

    2. Princess Deviant*

      I’ve started watching it. I don’t like it. Lots of stereotypes, played for laughs but which are offensive.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      I didn’t watch treasure island yet, but I stayed up Wednesday night and watched Jane Eyre (which ended Thursday). It was great. I wish I had made the time tonight (was not feeling great), so we could discuss….

      1. Lily*

        Jane Eyre was so amazing!

        I hope you are feeling better :) Sometimes you just need to let your body and mind rest.

  31. Oxford Comma*

    I need some strategies for keeping my days distinct. They’re all bleeding into one another. I’ve tried a few things. I have started watching my church service on YT on Sunday (never really been that religious but at least it helps keep the day feeling different). For what it’s worth, I do have a dedicated room for an office but I also like gaming and using my computer a lot for social things.

    But it’s not enough. Any suggestions?

    1. MoopySwarpet*

      Themed days? Milkshake Monday, Taco Tuesday, and so on. Maybe even a change of clothes or type of clothes for work and not work. Or each day gets its own color scheme. I have a couple pairs of lounge pants that I only wear for work and change out of them when I’m done for the day.

      Maybe have your desktop background change to indicate the day of the week or time of day. You might have to change it manually, but could be a bit of a ritual to start/end the work day.

    2. Anono-me*

      Days-of-the-week underwear?

      Seriously, how about a journal? Maybe one more with the idea that in a hundred fifty years ago it will be in a County Museum for the local kids to understand what the C-19 pandemic quarentine was like for real people.

      Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever read Little House on the Prairie or similar books. But Prairie homesteading was very isolating, especially for the women and children. One of the things that women did to cope was dividing up the chores by days of the week. Laundry on Monday, ironing on Tuesday, baking on Wednesday, Etc. This wasn’t just a smart labor plan. It also helped keep the days from blending together as much. Maybe a similar routine would be useful to you.

      1. Anono-me*

        I’m doing the journal, and dividing up who I called by day of the week. As in I’m calling my friend Pat on Mondays. And texting my friend Chris on Tuesdays.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      This isn’t really anything new that I am doing but I have different chores assigned to different days. I follow this plan because I don’t like everything bunched up on Saturdays and Sundays.

      To help the days not to bleed into each other, I pick one or more small projects that aren’t longer than 15 minutes but they are a PITA to do, so I typically stall out and don’t do them. I keep my gardening tools in a bucket. Each year the bucket needs to be cleaned and I should sharpen a couple of the tools. So that was a project one day last week. It gives me a sense of accomplishment to do that annoying small task. In another example, I had a pair of good pants but the hem was falling down. I repaired them one day about two weeks ago. It kind of helps to make the days seem less similar by tackling different projects.

      One thing I have used to con myself to move along is to ask myself if I am ready for everything to open back up. Do I have done what I need to do when that happens?

    4. Retail not Retail*

      This is probably stupid or irrelevant, but if you have an antenna for your tv (or cable you maniac), you could pick a background noise show for each day. If they’re slipping that hard!

      I had to remind my mom yesterday was a weekday because she was watching her judge shows.

      A couple weeks ago I got messed up because only one person from the sunday-thursday crew was working on Thursday. So I thought it was at least Friday! I didn’t help my own self by taking most of Tuesday and Wednesday off.

    5. DyneinWalking*

      This is just a small thing, but I grew up with a special Sunday breakfast that had croissants instead of bread (I’m in Germany FYI, bread with jam or cold cuts is pretty common for breakfast). I’ve since moved out but still continue that tradition. My parents stopped getting croissants but started eating adding a boiled egg on Sundays (a a different German “fancier breakfast” version).
      Maybe you could also do a fancy breakfast once a week? Maybe even make it an elaborate brunch?
      You could also define a specific day where you order take-away instead of cooking yourself, or get a special takeaway instead of the usual. Or just make an elaborate dinner.
      Also, I don’t know how often you clean during these times, but it it makes sense for you, you could also define a day where you tidy up and clean more thoroughly.

      Other things you could do on defined days: Read/watch a specific book/comic/TV series, bake, do arts and crafts… whatever you like to do or would like to learn.

      Since I have tons to do at the moment I’m not following a schedule like that, but in your situation I’d probably do some crafts Tuesday, find a web comic to read every Wednesday, get special takeaway on Friday, cook an elaborate dinner on Saturday and have breakfast with croissants and a boiled egg on Sunday.

      1. Bibliovore*

        since the pandemic, I have started making Dutch Babies every Sunday. That is how we know it is Sunday.

    6. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I do weekly chats with a couple friends and we keep it to the same days – helps differentiate the days and gives me something to look forward to!

  32. Red Sunglasses*

    Can someone recommend some comfortable bra/bralettes for lounging at home for chestier women? I’m a 32DDD and I struggle with finding something that fits the bust as well as my band/frame size since most run S-L.

    2. Lluviata*

      Oooh, I’m so glad that you asked! I’m a 30-32DDD, and I’ve been trying bralettes lately so I have a few suggestions.

      What’s worked: Aerie Seamless Sleep Bralette (M) & Aerie Chill Scoop Longline Bralette (M). The Scoop Longline Bralette is my favorite, but it tends towards just a tiny bit of uniboob and the pattern can be seen under thin shirts, fyi. The Sleep Bralette is also great. Next time I order the Sleep Bralette I’ll get a S and M to try both – the M is just a little big on me and the bralette is super stretchy so I’m wondering if the S would be a better fit. Both of these are stretchy, comfortable, and lightly supportive.

      What’s ok: Savage X Fenty Bralette with wide underband and triangle cups (M). The S band was too tight, but the M band is a little loose. I kept it and wear it sometimes, but wouldn’t buy it again because the band slides around a little and that drives me crazy.

      What hasn’t worked: Aerie Chill Cotton Bralette (M). I can’t remember why, but I sent this back right away so there was something pretty off. Maybe it was too small in the cups or made my boobs look weird?

      If you end up ordering any bralettes, I’d also love to hear about your experiences. Most bralettes seem to be made for women with smaller cup sizes, and hearing from someone else who’s busty would be great.

      1. Red Sunglasses*

        Aerie now offers S-L sizes in D and DD in some bralettes – just placed an order. I’m really impressed with Aerie- just offering this is so amazing so I’ll be in touch with how they fit

    4. Jdc*

      Cosabella is the only brand I’ve found that make for us larger chested. I’m obsessed with mine. I’ve only ever found that bigger ones online but right now that worke

    5. Generic Name*

      I’m a 32DD/34D (depending on my weight) and I literally never even considered bralettes. I figured they were for teenagers and B-cup maximum. But they’re so cute, and I love the idea of wearing them around the house instead of sports bras, which work but are very utilitarian. So I’ll be watching this thread closely.

      1. Katrianah (UK)*

        Hi! I’m a 38 G (UK sizing) and I’ve had suprising success with bralettes! Wearing actual bras right now is exacerbating my anxiety (makes me feel like I’m having a panic attack for some weird reason) and I can’t go braless because it does a number on my sternum.

        My favourites are unfortunately from UK stockists but I think Marks and Spencer may do international post? Their DD+ Bralettes are awesome.

    6. Jules the First*

      Bravissimo does some lovely ones that are sized like normal bras but start at 28DD and get bigger from there, but not sure what shipping is like to the US right now.

    7. Alex*

      Check out Tomboyx. It is a company that focuses on gender neutral underwear, and is heavily skewed towards women who would like to present more masculine (although there are all kinds of products on there), but their essential bra, which is a plain cotton crop top type thing, works well for bustier women. The racerback version is OK as well but I found the essential style works better. They also have a couple of other styles, but I wouldn’t recommend the microfiber ones for larger chests, since the fabric just isn’t supportive enough.

      The sizes *are* small, med, large (they go from XS to 4X, actually) but if you follow their size guide I find they did well with sizing for larger cups. I have a 32 inch band/giant cup size (bigger than yours!) and the medium size fits me well. Do go by the band measurement rather than the chest measurement. This is the only lounge bra/bralette type thing where I’m not falling out of either the bottom or the top.

      Their products are kind of pricey but there are sales every so often and they pay a lot of lip service to fair wages/environmentally friendly practices so I hope those things are truly the reasons for the higher prices.

      1. LizB*

        Seconding TomboyX! I’ve been wearing nothing but their essential soft bras while I’ve been home and omggggg I love them. Just enough support and so soft and comfy. Looks like they’re currently doing 15% off multipacks, so I may just pick up another set…

        1. Alex*

          Oh no why did you tell me this! Lol.

          One small joy of just being home every day is that I wear a matching set of 6inch boxers and an essential bra every day, under my sweats. SO cozy.

    8. mreasy*

      I like The Busty Bralette from Lively (same size). Otherwise for the dreaded underwires I’ve had good luck with the house brand from Figleaves.

    9. Filosofickle*

      Expensive but awesome: the Curvy Sweetie Bralette from Cosabella. Their Curvy line is meant for small ribcage, larger cup size.

    10. Alexandra Lynch*

      I’m currently in a 38DDD, and just got two leisure bras from Women Within that I’m very happy with. Apart from the color; I’m SO not the sort of woman who wears hot pink, but I’ll wear it and not have back pain in the evenings, cause no one sees it under my shirt and I threatened Boyfriend with dying horribly if he made jokes when he saw it. (Apparently I’m just queer enough that this shade of pink just… no.)

    11. Green Turtle*

      Jockey dot com has a bunch of really great options – I personally wear the Modern Micro Cami Strap Bralette

    12. Epiphyta*

      Glamorise offers band sizes 30-58 and cup sizes A-K. I’m a 34F and live in their “Cami” medium support sports bras, as they’re wireless, have a stabilization panel that looks like a camisole if your top is cut low enough to show it, and only run about $40 USD.

    1. fposte*

      We’ve been having ridiculously late hard freezes. My star magnolia blossoms are sad brown sog, and I put sheets over the bulb beds last night. I do need to start some veg seeds inside this weekend but I think it’ll be awhile before anything happens outside.

    2. Parenthetically*

      We had three nights in a row of hard freezes just after we got everything in the ground, for crying out loud. Had to cover the tomatoes and peppers and bring the container plants inside, but the onions, carrots, peas, cukes, radishes, beans weren’t up far enough to be harmed.

    3. Retail not Retail*

      We may be getting our summer annuals next week and I’m not looking forward to planting those because you are inevitably in people’s space.

      Despite working with plants for a year, I’m still uninterested on spending my own money on them.

      The weeds are out in full force. Have any of y’all encountered a weed called a chameleon weed? We call it “stinks when cut” but that’s not completely accurate as it stinks when you pull it too! Last summer 2 guys were using a weedeater on it down in a moat and the humidity and tight space made the smell so overwhelming.

      I think it’s similar to cilantro and stink bugs.

      1. Pieforbreakfast*

        That weed sounds like what we call “Stinky Bob” here in Oregon, aka geranium robertianum. It was all over our yard when we moved in and that was a dreary day when we worked to take it out.

        1. Retail not Retail*

          It’s the houttuynia cordata actually. (Searching stinky weed last spring was… a choice i sure made that did not help.)

          It’s great ground cover if you want it and nothing else. We had a bed that my boss wanted junipers in. We pulled, we put in new soil, we dug stuff up, NOTHING. Finally we went drastic and saved what we could in pots before making it a chemical wasteland. Untouched it grows to like a foot high.

          1. Venus*

            > It’s great ground cover if you want it and nothing else.

            I have several of these ‘ground cover that takes over the garden’ plants, and am rather surprised that they coexist. Last year a specialized gardener identified one of them when I showed her the leaves, and she said that she was surprized that it hadn’t overtaken everything. I just laughed and said that it had a lot of competition, and when I described the other plants she agreed.

          2. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Thank you for the warning, i will avoid it completely.
            My traditional nemeses have been Bishop’s Weed and Japanese Knotweed. They choked out horseradish and garlic chives and, well…we moved.
            My current problem is mint. I planted it because we eat it a lot…but this batch came up tasting like dirt. Totally inedible. I’m making headway by going out every WFH lunch that isn’t rainy. I just dug in the lawn for two hours and spotted another patch as I was standing up. On the bright side I gathered at least a dozen worms for the worm bin.

    4. Blue Eagle*

      I started two kinds of swiss chard, spinach and roma tomatoes from seed early last week. This week the little seedlings are starting to sprout up.

      One thing I did not know – – the seemingly larger swiss chard seeds (that I mostly planted because I thought that bigger seeds would have a better chance of germinating) are, in fact, two seeds stuck together and not one large seed. Most of my swiss chard has come up with two little seedlings next to each other. I probably will have to transplant thes to get two viable plants.

    5. WellRed*

      I posted last week with a question about the herb seeds I had just planted (kitchen windowsill). That night, I realized the chives and basil had sprouted! Appropriate for Easter weekend, I think.

      1. Venus*

        Very nice! I love basil, and should try to find the seeds that I had from a couple years ago. Mmmmm…. thanks for the reminder!

    6. Hazy Days*

      Gardening disaster! The annual flowering tobacco which made it through this mild winter has come into flower – and it’s pink! It is supposed to be either white or lime green – but it’s been so valiant in outlasting drought and winter that I’m going to have to let it stay.

      Gardening triumph! The rest looks truly glorious.

        1. Hazy Days*

          Yes! Must have had a mix-up at some point, because Pink is very definitely not the colour scheme of choice.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Well curiosity got me and I googled for a minute. Apparently, they can open as white flowers and then
            turn pink even going to a red before quitting. I have a hydrangea here that goes from white to pink to hot pink, I wonder if this is more of that idea.
            I tried to search for a nicotiana that stays white and I am not finding one. I never paid attention to this before, I just assumed the white flowers stayed white. Now I have to watch for this. ha!

      2. Pieforbreakfast*

        I wonder if the plant is a hybird and has reverted to true form. I’ve had various plants, most notable varigated leaf ones, that are as expected one season and then non-varigated then next.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, I had a variegated sedum ground cover that did that to me. I was so very disappointed.

          But I have seen Jackson and Perkin’s roses regress also.

          F1 hybrids are the strongest hybrids. They get their main characteristics from their “parents”. I never see anyone bragging their hybrid is an F2 (main characteristics coming from their “grandparents”) or more. ha!

    7. Pieforbreakfast*

      It’s been beautiful here in the PNW the last week or so. Apple blossoms started this week, the crabapple tree looks good like one week out of the year and that is now. My Redbud is budding and Dogwood as well. Spring has fully sprung!
      I have planted All The Leafy Greens and some are sprouting. There are also volunteer giant sunflowers coming up in that bed that I need to move somewhere else. Half my potatoes did not emerge but I was late in planting them so not a big surprise.
      The sugar snap peas have not emerged after 12 days so I may have to replant. I hate not knowing if it’s the seeds (slightly old, 2 years, but should be okay) or location or what. Do I waste more time replanting where they are or move them… gardening anxiety 101.

      1. Venus*

        Maybe try putting them in a bit of water to see if they germinate? Yet I would expect at least some of them to sprout.

    8. Venus*

      Gardening good: My tomato and pepper seedlings are mostly doing well. I went out today and cleaned up my deck, so feel that I accomplished some work outdoors. I can’t do a lot of cleaning up as it’s still too cold, but next weekend should be optimal to start preparing the ground for the herb seeds.

      Gardening bad: There is still another month before they can be planted outdoors, and I worry that they will have a problem before then. Numerous friends and family plan to get their seedlings from me, and they are heirloom varieties, so I don’t want to disappoint.

    9. Tris Prior*

      It snowed this week. TWICE. Good thing everything’s in containers, that I could bring in but, grrrrrr.

      My tomato seedlings are coming along nicely under the grow light, though!

    10. Sparkly Librarian*

      Zucchini seedlings! 3 of 14 visible so far, which is only as many as I need (and they were last year’s seeds, so I didn’t expect most of them to sprout). The marigolds on the front porch are germinating; the ones in seed trays in the backyard plastic greenhouse not yet. Got some borage plants from the nursery as well as the seeds I put out dubiously; starts always feel like I’ve gotten something right already. Also found a stash of old seeds tucked away, so am germinating clutches of ten to see how they’ll do.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Miserably cold and damp today. But I made myself go outside in the bright cold sunshine yesterday and pulled more of the bad tasting mint out of my lawn.
      I am worried about the rough stone retaining wall–it’s definitely shifting, and I don’t know if my wall-top garden is contributing.
      My irises are coming up all over. And a friend is going to trade me still more varieties for some of the lemongrass I overwintered. So I guess tomorrow is all about splitting the tender perennials. That’s something to look forward to!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Sunday is an improvement. ..I spent it getting nowhere on a land drains issue and making massive headway on my weeding. (I99ntentional mint, unintentional bad tasting variety!)

    12. Sleepless*

      We’re finishing up with the messy part of spring in Atlanta. The dogwoods are finished blooming, so there are petals everywhere, to go along with the pine pollen and those tiny pod things that fall off the oak trees this time of year. Yes, the lovely tree canopy that covers my city does come at a price. Other than that, my hostas and hydrangeas are leafing out and my astilbes are coming up. My azaleas had a pretty good year. I ordered lantanas and a butterfly bush from a shop on Etsy and they blew me away…they arrived in perfect condition. I would have never imagined somebody could ship me a baby shrub in a mailing tube.

    13. Clisby*

      Checking in from Charleston, SC here – all 6 of our tomato plants have tomato babies now. Cilantro and basil doing fine. Peppers looking iffy. Our garden is pretty small because the backyard is so shady and only an insane person would eliminate shade in Charleston. From time to time I toy with the idea of turning the front yard into a garden – I’ve seen that at some homes here, where the walkway up to the house is planted with edibles instead of flowers.

      1. Clisby*

        Also, for indoor gardening: Both of my orchids are blooming, and the white poinsettia I bought from a school fundraiser is thriving in my kitchen window. All the new growth is dark green, and I have no interest in figuring out how to make it get pale, but it’s going strong.

        1. Dog Fosterer*

          From what I recall it goes pale as it gets older. Or maybe it was less sunlight? We would plant them outdoors in May, and by then they would look very pale and have a few leaves at the ends of spindly twigs.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We did this, with big planters on the rock border. Geranium planters alternating with tomatoes. This year I’m thinking of trying for peas on a trellis as a backdrop.

    14. Campfire Raccoon*

      Harvested the last of the onions, artichokes, and fava beans. I pulled a few of the garlics to check their progress, but I think I’ll let them go at least another two weeks. The mulberries are ripe, so I have to shake the trees every morning.

      The tomatoes are now 5′ high and fruiting- though it’s not warm enough for them to ripen. Peppers are still short, but producing fruit quite well. I imagine once we hit the 90s next week, I’ll be able to start picking those. (usually I limp them along in the heat, and get a big harvest Aug-Dec.)

      Summer squashes are producing, herbs are still hanging on, and the peanuts are poking out of the soil. The anna apples have lots of fruit, so another 4-5 weeks until they’re ready. The galas are slower, and haven’t flowered yet. The grapes are going grapeshit, and without a goat this year, I might actually get some. The yard-long beans are climbing, as are the cukes, while the watermelons and muskmelons are waiting for the heat.

      And… i think that’s it.

  34. Doc in a Box*

    Like a lot of people, I’ve been having disturbing dreams for about a month or so, but last night’s was the worst — it was actually quite pleasant when happening, but I woke up angry with myself. Warning: Dream Logic Ahead!

    I woke up around 2:30 am and was unable to fall asleep for a long time. (This is my pattern when anxious or depressed, so I’ve learned to recognize it.) When I finally did get to sleep sometime after 4am, I dreamt that I was sitting on a park bench on a street in New York City, where I used to live. Lots of foot traffic. Warm, spring day, I was reading something. A minor Internet celebrity saw me and stopped to chat; I don’t know who this person was, but Dream-me definitely recognized them.

    After a while, I got up and started walking down the street toward the restaurant where I was supposed to meet my boyfriend. (In real life: ex-boyfriend, but in the dream we were still together) Along the way, I ran into his roommate, a good friend of mine in real life though we lost touch after the break up, who was like “Oh, I happen to be going that way too” so we chatted as we walked along. When we got to the restaurant, there was a line to get seated, and the host thought Roommate and I were together; Roommate was like “No, I’m meeting a big group” and I said “And I’m waiting for my boyfriend.”

    So I waited for an unspecified amount of time until Boyfriend arrived, late and charming (This was his MO in real life too.) The host led us to a cramped booth that had a live tree growing in the middle, and as I was moving the tree branches to get to the seat, Boyfriend said something to the host and we were moved outside to a pretty patio with twinkling lights.

    My dream skipped the actual dinner, but then at the end, he proposed, down on one knee and everything, and when he hugged me and kissed me he tasted like blackberries. The whole restaurant applauded and when I turned around the “big group” that Roommate had mentioned was everyone we had known in our nearly-four years together.

    I woke up so stinking mad. I haven’t thought about this guy in years! We were together from 2007-2010, until I realized that his handsome charming self hid some pretty vile perspectives — narcissism, misogyny, and racism was the final straw. It’s been a decade since I left him, and I don’t miss him at all. I get how the dream was trying to convey a desire for human closeness, stability and normalcy — I live alone, haven’t touched another human being or even had a face-to-face conversation in over a month — but why not one of the men I’ve dated since? Or even my puppy love college boyfriend, whom I genuinely do still think fondly of.

    The only explanation I can think of is that I watched an episode of World on Fire on PBS last night, which is about the German invasion of Poland at the start of WW2 — Ex-Boyfriend’s grandparents were Polish Jews who emigrated to Canada just before that, but most of the extended family was murdered. So I guess that little nugget that was buried somewhere in my brain was activated by watching the show, even though I wasn’t consciously aware of it at the time.

    1. Granger Chase*

      Our brain does funny things, especially when we’re anxious and sleep deprived.

      I actually thought this dream was going to go quite differently when you mentioned running into his roommate. That was the one person in the dream who you are actually fond of and maybe it was your subconscious urging you to reconnect? Many people are finding a silver lining of quarantine by using it to reconnect or repair social relationships with people. I know I have been talking to friends I have missed because life just got really busy/took us in different directions, and it’s nice to talk about how we will work to make time for each other still even after things start working their way back to normal.

      If it’s been 10 years I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reaching out to your former friend if you really did just drift apart due to the breakup without any animosity.

      1. Doc in a Box*

        Ha, not exactly what you think there; Ex’s roommate is gay and is now married to another man. But you’re right about using this pause to reach out and reconnect.

    2. Epsilon Delta*

      I’ve had a few dreams where I’m back together with my exes. Including some where I leave my husband to be with the jerk ex (wtf brain?). It can be upsetting for a day or so, but dreams are that way sometimes. Some dreams might have a deeper meaning, but others are just what our brain randomly decided to throw together.

    3. WineNot*

      That is such a crazy dream! I have always had very vivid dreams and usually write them all down. In real life, I hadn’t been thinking about my ex (2016-2019) much until this all began. He has been in my conscious thoughts more lately (not like I miss being with him, just glad that I can finally be happy without him and picture myself dating other guys, but also appreciate what we had), but has also been appearing in my dreams! We haven’t been together in these dreams, but he is there nonetheless.

      It’s so weird but I am attributing it to my brain reaching for feelings of comfort and safety (or what once provided comfort and safety) in this crazy time. Otherwise, I can’t imagine what the dream therapist might say!

  35. Marina Marina Marina*

    I need book recommendations. I really love novels by Amitav Ghosh. Whose books would I also enjoy?
    I’m looking for stories that are beautifully written and take me away from my cold and gray Northern European town (in space, maybe also in time although I prefer 20th century/contemporary). Bonus if it has strong female characters.
    I need to escape from my terrible work-life balance in quarantine, please help.

    1. Akcipitrokulo*

      Daughters of Nri by Reni K. Amayo is a fantasy set in a west-african analogue with two awesome twins, separated at birth.

    2. bright as yellow*

      Unaccustomed earth and the namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri. They are beautiful stories of (mostly) Indian immigrants in the U.S. and their children.

      1. bright as yellow*

        Also, I just read the novella Delhi is not far, by Ruskin Bond. I was transported right into the story. It’s simple and honest writing, made me laugh out loud a couple of places, and it’s almost painfully beautiful at times.

      1. Belgian*

        I haven’t read Akata Witch, but wanted to recommend the Binti series by this author :-)

        1. HQB*

          I loved those! I feel like “Akata Witch” is closer to what OP asked for, though, so that’s what I went with.

    4. Bluebell*

      The Toss of a Lemon by Padma Viswanathan was great. I read it many years ago. Strong female characters. I also agree with the Jhumpa Lahiri suggestion.

      1. Imtheone*

        I just read the Moonflower Vine by Jetta Carlson. It’s a classic a lot of people don’t know about. A beautiful story about a Midwestern family and their life which seems simple and simple on the surface, but on a deeper level is complex.

    6. Avasarala*

      Maybe you’d like it: Where the Waters Turn Black by Benedict Patrick. It’s technically book 2 but each is a standalone in the series. Imagine Moana in a tropical archipelago, and she meets Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon. Has a strong tone of myths and stories, gods and folklore. Bit older than your preferred timeline but I love to read about tropical settings in winter.

  36. Teapot Translator*

    Can we get a thread going of companies (in the art sense) that are showing free stuff online?
    If you go on YouTube, you can watch The Phantom of The Opera (25th Anniversary). Andrew Lloyd Webber is showing every weekend one of his musicals (first was Joseph, second Jesus Christ). It brings a lot of memory feelings back. I was a big fan in my teenage years.
    Also, the Met Opera is showing a free opera every day. I downloaded their app and I’ve been listening to different operas while working.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      National theatre are showing plays online on you tube. New one every week.
      English Touring Opera had some Easter stuff online (Bach’s Passion), and there was a free concert that Andrea Bocelli did also on Youtube.

    2. Virtual Light*

      Not quite a company, but definitely art – Jennifer Ehle (star of the classic 1995 BBC Pride & Prejudice) has been doing daily readings of Pride and Prejudice on Instagram. Now they are all up on her YouTube channel, easily found in a google search. It’s like a one-woman show (she does all the voices) and it’s something I’ve been looking forward to every day. She really makes the wit and humor of the story come alive.

    3. another scientist*

      The Berlin Philharmonics have made their whole concert archive available for free at digitalconcerthall.com

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      The Berlin Philharmonie has free passes to their archive services! Also, Dutch National Opera and Teatro Colón of Buenos Aires (although the last one is the less techie of the bunch, maybe they will embrace YouTube after this)

    5. RagingADHD*

      We watched Phantom with the kids this morning!

      My husband & I were both huge fans as teens, and the kids hadn’t seen it. Lots of interesting, good talk about relationships, but also they seem to have fallen for the music in a wonderful way.

      1. Artemesia*

        I am not a musical fan but do like both Phantom and Les Mis — I took each of my kids when they were young teens and both loved them. I will try to look at the Phantom stream — I have been watching a met opera every day — that has been terrific.

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      Thank you for this! I’ve been catching the National Theater (London) performances (Jane Eyre last week)

      Nothing free to add, but I have been paying for the streaming of some live performances

      Blackfriars Playhouse of the American Shakespeare Center in Staunton, Virginia is streaming productions of Shakespeare’s plays. While there is a charge, a portion goes to the actor’s fund.

      I bought an adapter that let’s me stream from my laptop to my older TV – functionally making it a “smart” TV. So I’ve been able to enjoy the concerts on YouTube and these performances. I’ll keep watching this thread. While I am WFH (I won’t post on the issues – working too much), I am trying very hard to adhere to my new year’s resolution of one movie or theater event a week.

  37. Beancat*

    Any advice for helping a bored kitten? He has all the toys in the world, a giant climbing/scratching tree, a little scratching post, a cozy bed, playtime with both my husband and I, and his brother to play with. Tulio is about seven months old and bitey – he loves to grab and claw and nibble my hand. I always firmly say no, place hin on the floor, and redirect him, but he comes back instantly to bite my hand.

    I want my kitty to be happy and not bored! But I also would like my hands and legs to not be his scratching posts. :( They’re both really sweet boys and I think he’s either bored or trying to show me affection…with his teeth. Thanks in advance!

    1. fposte*

      I don’t know that your kitten is bored; it just sounds like he’s a kitten and he’s found a fun stalking game. It may be a hard habit to break since it’s so rewarding.

      Kitten Lady on YouTube has a good video about biting kittens; it sounds like you’re doing a lot of the standards already but it wouldn’t hurt to watch her to see if there’s something additional you could do. Is this happening in a specific place or time? Think about prevention as well as response.

      1. Beancat*

        Thank you so much for the rec! I’ll check her out.

        Honestly I’m a-okay with it being just kitten behavior! I was afraid I was boring him and not stimulating him enough. I’ve never raised kittens so I want to be sure I’m doing the best I can for them, you know? :)

      2. tangerineRose*

        For biting, sometimes it can help if you make a sound like a small animal in pain. Also, walking away, maybe somewhere you can shut a door to keep the kitty out (even for a minute or 2) may help – gives the kitty a better idea that you don’t want to play like that.

          1. Beancat*

            Indeed he is! :) Miguel even has a star collar (“the stars…can’t do it…not today…”)

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Yelp. It’s what he would do if someone bit him and it hurt. Watch when he plays with his brother and one gets a bit too rough. That noise. He knows what it means. And if the biter didn’t knock it off, the bitee would hiss or bite back to make him stop. I usually say “HEY!” or flick my cat on the side of the head. Not hard enough to hurt; in fact her brother would probably give a much more painful lesson. I know it’s not commonly accepted cat lore, but my family has always ended up with really great cats who trust us absolutely so it doesn’t break their spirit or anything.

      1. Beancat*

        There is so much yelping! Not even always because I’m trying to teach him – he barreled into my legs full on in excitement this morning and I didn’t see him coming so I yelped.

      2. Kuododi*

        Back when cats owned our home, we discovered a dusting of cayenne pepper or chili powder was helpful as a deterrent. Only downside was the pepper would irritated sinuses for 2+or 4 legged humans.. Best of luck.

    5. A New Normal*

      No real advice because one of my older cats took over playing with the kitten when she was that age but 5-8 months were the worst. It’s a good thing our kitten is stinkin’ adorable because she had SO MUCH energy and was large enough to cause damage with her momentum. Fortunately now, at 18mo, she’s calmer (still a torpedo at times, but less frequently) and only gets bitey when you go for her adorable belly (which is fair).

      1. Beancat*

        I’m baffled sometimes by how much weight can be behind something so small! His brother is bigger, but that’s just bludgeoning damage as he barrels into me while Tulio with his tiny claws is piercing damage.

        (Can you tell I’m in the middle of an online D&d game?)

  38. The Cosmic Avenger*

    I mentioned in a post this week that I’ve been staying sane by video chatting a lot with coworkers and friends. (I have a lot of friends at work, people who I exchange details about our families, and we get together outside of work.) Is anyone feeling isolated? Is there any interest in a group video/audio chat? I would have to get a link through moderation, though, so I’m not sure when it would be available. And of course, you’re welcome to use your username here rather than your real name, or even stay anonymous if you don’t want people linking your face to your username.

    The reason I’m asking instead of just doing it is that I posted a link on social media a couple of times, and in 3+ hours no one “showed up”. Despite having many other planned chats this week, that was really depressing for me. So I don’t want to attempt this if there’s no interest, it just makes it very hard for me to stay positive.

    1. Misty*

      I literally only talk to my roommates and my therapist. I haven’t seen anyone in 40 days now outside of the people I live with. In the beginning I was skyping with my group of friends and my two best friends separately but that’s def fallen off because no one has anything to say since we’re all home doing classwork/work 24/7.

      So yes, I would up for talking to you guys whenever. Idk if that’s something we could realistically do ever but I look forward to the weekend thread A LOT ever since the pandemic started.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Sorry, the link is still in moderation. Maybe we can drop in and out later…if this doesn’t work, how about 1400 GMT (10 am ET) tomorrow?

      Right now I’m just sitting in the chat room and switching back and forth from doing crosswords in another tab and watching ST: Voyager on Netflix. :)

      1. Misty*

        If you saw someone come in and then x out literally a minute later – that was me. My roommates are loud right now *eye roll* I’ll try again later when they all take their nap or go for walks. During the weekend things are chaotic sometimes here.

    4. Courageous cat*

      I think it’s really difficult to get random people together. You don’t want it to just be 2 or 3 people that show up and have to awkwardly talk, and it can be uncomfortable enough meeting up with strangers in person – doing it over Zoom can make it feel even more awkward for a lot of us.

      Not to say that your desires are unusual by any means, but just that I wouldn’t be too disappointed or take it too personally if no one shows up. It’s hard to hang out via Zoom even for people who’d want to see you if it were in person.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        That’s true, but on Facebook, there are plenty of people I know IRL. And it’s awkward even for me, but I strike up conversations with random strangers in lines for things, so I know I can do this.

        I think I’ll try to stay on for another 40 minutes, until 1400 ET, and then go exercise. I just finished the 1999 NYT crosswords, so I only have 20 years left in the archives. :D

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Crap, I forgot the farmers market doesn’t open until 9am here, so I may not be back by 10am our time. I’ll try it as soon as I get back, though.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Well, I shouldn’t have said anything — we showed up a few minutes early and the line for the farm that has all kinds of meat and dairy was relatively short. (Usually you can wait half an hour or more, and they run out quickly.) We got chicken AND beef AND pork AND fresh blue cheese, plus some pastries from the local bakery…and I treated myself to a couple of pieces of their (bakery’s) quiche for later! :-d

  39. Not a frequent poster*

    Very good news in my family. My parents got a full price offer on their condo within two hours of being on the market. They moved into an assisted living facility in August (They are fine and no cases in their facility, but they are on lockdown). This was their downsize home after they sold my childhood home. Fingers crossed it will close by the end of May. Purchaser is taking a loan on her current home to have the cash to buy. She is preapproved. She will sell her current home after the purchase so no sale contingency. The condo is pretty unique in their area as it is one floor /ground floor model. Mom has Parkinson’s so that was a requirement when they moved there. I was very concerned about how they were going to pay their monthly bills to the facility. They have long term care insurance. It has been a godsend for them and they potentially will use the full four years of benefits, but they still have to outlay about $6,000 a month to the facility (total bill is about $15,000 per month.) They have spent most of their liquid assets so the next thing would be to sell stock of which there is a limited amount. The proceeds will pay about three years of what they owe monthly. This is a huge weight off my shoulders potentially as I was thinking about how I could help them pay a portion of the monthly bill before the house sold without wreaking my retirement in eight years. It is also a huge relief for my Dad as he worries about money. He is a child of the Depression. We all need some good news.

    1. Anono-me*

      That is wonderful news. Thank you for sharing. It is always nice to hear good things, but especially now.

    2. Artemesia*

      Amazing in this situation. Glad. We sold a condo a year ago and thought we had bad timing — and then a bunch came on the market and it turns out we got the best price that year for a place like ours (we still lost a little on it) and the others just didn’t sell over the spring. One or two are now rented and the others were sold at a lower price.

      We are so grateful we moved as we now have a fabulous view and lots of space for this shut down.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My parents were depression kids. I am so glad that things went well for your folks on this one.

  40. Red Sky*

    TLDR: What to do with expired hand sanitizer?

    I’ve got 8 of the big Purell 1200 ml bottles of foaming hand sanitizer that expired in 2016. They were stored in the back of a supply closet and the Active Ingredient is 70% Ethyl Alcohol. The CDC states min requirement for Covid 19 is 60% ethyl alcohol (vs 70% for isopropyl alcohol). All my research done online states the alcohol content will reduce over time, but there is a chance this might still be good, and expired hand sanitizer is better than no hand sanitizer. I’ve tried contacting the manufacturer to see what they recommend, but haven’t heard anything back in 2 weeks so I imagine they’re just super overwhelmed. Local organizations who are collecting donations of PPE don’t want it for liability reasons, so I was going to post it for free on Craigslist or Nextdoor, but I’m just not sure if I should give it away or just chuck it, which seems like a huge waste if some can use it. Thoughts?

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      If it was sealed, I don’t think the alcohol could evaporate, or not much of it could. I would still use it…in fact, I am using bottles of old sanitizer! It still evaporates quickly, so I can tell it’s still mostly alcohol and not water. I may check the evaporation rate against newer bottles, see if I can estimate the percentage of remaining isopropyl, though, now that you mention it.

    2. Blue Eagle*

      Definitely put it on Craigslist or Nextdoor. We had someone put some sanitizer that expired in 2015 on Nextdoor last week and it was snapped up in less than 24 hours.

    3. Red Sky*

      I guess my main hesitation is that some nefarious person might repackage and sell them in small bottles or use in their business (they’re the big kind that go in a dispenser like they’ve been putting for customers to use at the entrances and exits of grocery stores) without disclosing they’re expired. But maybe that risk is somewhat diminished if I use Nextdoor rather than Craigslist.

    4. another scientist*

      It will be just fine. The salient point is that ‘Since hand sanitizer is regulated by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), it’s required by law to have an expiration date and lot number.’ So, even if there isn’t any loss in efficacy, they are forced to print one on. Same goes for things like table salt.
      You can check: If your bottles had fine cracks or leakage, and some alcohol were able to evaporate, you could see whether the contents of the bottles look lower than you would expect for an unopened bottle. If the alcohol making up 70% of the contents has disappeared to a significant amount, it would affect the fill line.

    5. Red Sky*

      Thanks y’all! There are no cracks in the bottles and they look very full so I went ahead and put them up for free on Nextdoor.

  41. StressedButOkay*

    How are folks making downtime different than working? Everything’s blending together and I keep trying to “plan” things like board games or movie nights but we keep ending up too tired to do anything more than read or play video games. Weekends used to be super packed and busy for us and something to look forward to and I do still look forward to the time off but certainly not as much as I used to!

    1. WellRed*

      I haven’t really been ordering takeout, but when I do it’s on the weekend. When I wrap up work on Friday, and take my walk, I pick up a bottle of wine at the corner store and I am also doing a lot of self care on Friday evening, (lotions, masks, cuticle oil). I am planting radishes this weekend. I just look for small stuff I can leave for the weekend. Reading and TV don’t cut it since I do that daily.

    2. Ranon*

      Massive weekend cleaning projects, mostly. And we’ve always done the majority of our cooking and cleaning on weekends anyways so keeping that going too

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been trying to get things done during the day and then make nighttime TV time. When Mum has nothing to do, she will sit and crochet and watch TV all day long, but I don’t even turn it on (or currently, access streaming sites). Watching whatever shows I’m working my way through or a movie is my reward for doing other things. It also helps divide the day up, since I have to go upstairs or outside to get any natural light.

    4. LDN Layabout*

      Create different environments if you can (even if you live in a tiny space).

      Work only happens in the work corner, on my work laptop. The work corner is ONLY used for work and nothing else. Even when my backside thinks the sofa would be comfier and I don’t need two screens (laptop and monitor) for a meeting.

      I also have some adult colouring stuff that I’ve been using in short work lulls and I’ve found I don’t access it outside of work time.

  42. ONFM*

    My neighbors have completely quit social distancing. It’s like a block party out here and I’m so disappointed and furious at them, and I really need help getting over it. It’s hard to explain to my kids why they can’t go out and play when literally 4 households of kids are together, right in front of our windows. One of the dads approached my husband in the driveway last week and asked why we weren’t out with everyone, and started talking about government conspiracies. How am I supposed to be civil to these people when this is all over?

    1. Argh!*

      After this is all over, you can be civil to them by going to their graves and leaving flowers.

    2. Laura H.*

      You’ll manage. I don’t know how but you will be civil with these people, even if that civility is in the form of NOT wringing their necks/ not acknowledging them beyond maybe “hello fellow human” type reactions for however long you see fit.

      You’re responsible for your and you’re family’s health and well-being.

      Do I think these measures are a bit of an overreaction as a whole? I have to say yes I do. But I won’t deny that it’s working!! Likewise these people who are eager for normalcy to the point of “forget the well-being of others” is also an overreaction- one with NO positives whatsoever.

      To a point, I don’t trust the media, or government farther than I can throw it, and I don’t entirely trust statistics because there’s so much discrepancy depending on where you get them from. I don’t trust conspericy nuts either. I have my own weird hang ups and don’t need part in anyone else’s. But I know that:

      1. This virus is a problem not only because of it itself but because of consequent other possible ick that comes from it too.

      2. I live with people who this could really mess with. It likely would lay me out for a while at the very least. (If it’s like the flu- that still sucks and put me on my back for a week and a half years ago and that was with the vaccine.)

      3. There’s no widespread immunity yet. And while I’m more diligent with hand-washing than I have ever been, there are likely hygienic gaps I don’t know I’m missing (and good god I touch my face a lot despite my best efforts).

      So while your neighbors wouldn’t quite infuriate me (barring being stupid directly in my face), I’d still be giving them major side-eye. Because regardless of what numbers are given, if they can’t see that this IS an issue, there’s something wrong.

      I understand the want for normalcy but it shouldn’t come at the cost of another’s peace of mind.

      I’m sorry your neighbors are jerks at the very least or willfully ignorant and beyond at worst.

      1. Agnodike*

        I’m really curious about this: “Do I think these measures are a bit of an overreaction as a whole? I have to say yes I do. But I won’t deny that it’s working!!”

        Is your perspective that lesser restrictions would work just as well? What would you change, and how do you think it would affect viral spread? I’m asking because I work in healthcare and one of the things I’m most interested in is public perception of public health measures, especially where they intersect with citizenship/freedom discourse.

        1. Laura H.*

          Maybe I said that wrong. It does seem like a bit much, but given that a lot of people are terrible self-regulators (Myself included- if these measures weren’t in place, I would be so unintentionally blasé about this and go on as normal, in a non-malicious not my problem sort of way.) these restrictions need to be in place for the greater good.

          Even if I think it’s a bit much and came on a bit fast, the measures are working and regardless of my opinion, general trends pointing towards success/ slowing the spread entice me to follow the restrictions, along with awareness of the three points in my original comment.

          1. Agnodike*

            I’m not suggesting you’re not working for the public good :) If you don’t mind elaborating a little more, I am genuinely really interested in your perception. Here’s why:

            For most people, that line seems to be at “it’s working.” It’s usually very easy for people to believe that something was necessary if the desired result happened at the same time as the intervention, which is why so many people want antibiotics for their cold. They took the antibiotics, and their cold got better, therefore they must have needed the antibiotics! It’s very hard to convince them that no, their cold happened to get better on its own at the same time that they took the antibiotics, and the two are not connected.

            What interests me about what you’ve said is that you think this is working, but you also don’t think it’s necessary, which is pretty unusual. So I’d love to hear more about what you think is too much, what you think “just enough” would look like, and why this feels like “too much” and not like “a lot, but a proportional response to a problem that’s also a lot.”

            But you have no obligation to assuage my curiosity if you don’t want to! :) I’m not looking for a reason to disagree, I’m just sincerely very interested.

          2. Fikly*

            I too am trying to understand this.

            Are you saying that you believe the behavior commanded by the restrictions is needed, but mandating this behavior is not needed, or an overreach?

          3. Elizabeth West*

            Someone said in an article I read that if it works, it will absolutely look like an overreaction. And Fauci said almost the same thing–if you’re overreacting you’re doing the right thing. When you say “this is a new disease; nobody has any immunity to it, and we don’t know if the people who survive it will either,” people’s eyes glaze over. It’s more than they can handle, so they choose not to. I think that’s why some people pooh-pooh it. I’m not including the ones whose heads have rotted from the inside out from years of conspiracy theories.

            We’re really bad at threat assessment as a species, especially when things look normal. Most of us don’t live in a hotspot. But it’s hard for a lot of folks to parse that we are indeed doing the right thing, especially when it hurts to do it. We want it to stop.

            1. tangerineRose*

              People can be odd. “this is a new disease; nobody has any immunity to it, and we don’t know if the people who survive it will either,” is mainly why the whole shelter in place seems more than reasonable.

            2. Agnodike*

              Usually those two different understandings don’t happen in the same person, though, which is why I think “if it works, it will look like we overreacted” is pretty condescending every time I read it. The implication is that people who are really in the know will understand that it worked, and the ignorant will just see low case counts and assume that it was a case of overkill, not understanding the link. Whereas I actually think most people are pretty smart and if you can explain stuff to them in a way that resonates with how they understand the world, can understand most complex concept in healthcare. At least that’s been my experience providing healthcare to people.

        2. Ann O.*

          I hope you don’t mind if I chime in because I also think certain aspects of the shelter-in-place measures are overreacting, but that shelter-in-place as a whole worked. Also, I think certain aspects are UNDERREACTING.

          I am in the Bay Area, so those are the measures I am working with. I am not a virologist or chemist, but I have been reading a lot from the Twitter circle of virologists so have a decent layperson’s understanding.

          I think Bay Area measures have overreacted with limiting access to public spaces and barring outdoor work like construction and landscaping. As far as I can tell, these choices are motivated primarily by general public perception of them rather than actual risk. Access to outdoor environments are important for mental and physical health. It also feels dissonant with the experience of standing in long lines waiting to enter a grocery store, which I never see anyone criticize or express concern about.

          I also am questioning the discouragement of things like socially distant gatherings in outdoor environments (e.g. having a friend come over to hang out in a backyard, socializing with one person in a car in a driveway and the other on a yard, even drive-in church celebrations and movie theaters). I recognize my lack of expertise, but I cannot envision how these would lead to transmission of a respiratory virus in anything other than the flukiest of circumstances. And again, the closer we can get to old normalcy, the better for people’s mental health.

          Where I think we have underreacted is with indoor environments. I have no idea what I would do if I got sick. My spouse has an undiagnosed condition that spikes blood pressure, so we’re treating him as high risk right now. As far as I know, I have no option other than to risk exposing him at home. What do we do with our child if we both fall sick? Meanwhile, essential workers are still in indoor environments, and it seems like there are few consistent standards for trying to regulate safety in those environments. The Bay Area is just now requiring masks for patronizing essential businesses.

          It seems like most of our ongoing clusters or spikes are associated with indoor essential environments or multi-people residencies. Shelter in place does nothing for that.

          So it does feel like shelter in place was this necessary hammer to bring numbers to peak, but that there are ways it can be eased up to both let more people work and to ease mental/physical health issues caused by being cooped up. It also seems like there are obvious, significant gaps that are just being left as gaps.

          1. Old and Don’t Care*

            I agree with you, and I think we need to know a lot more about how to keep people safe in offices and other businesses and worry a lot less about people taking reasonable precautions outside. I hope the powers that be have guidance for the former.

          2. Catherine*

            This aligns very much with my opinion. My neighborhood has civil servants posted outdoors with megaphones telling us not to be outside, which discourages even masked solo walks for exercise.

            I’m also frustrated with how eager so many people are to judge and police how necessary other people’s errands or purchases are. I’ve even noticed it on this site several times this week, even though we’re usually so good as a community at recognizing that different people have different needs and that people need small pleasures to make the huge miseries bearable.

            A lot of the restrictions we’re under are necessary but they’re absolutely bringing out the worst in other people. I simply won’t discuss any of my own purchases or coping mechanisms in public because I have no tolerance for everyone shouting “I saw Goody Proctor buying chocolate during the pandemic!”

            1. Lynn Whitehat*

              Good Lord, yes on the judging and criticizing. People keep showing up on my neighborhood NextDoor to whine and complain that they still see people taking walks and riding bicycles. Exercising is a specific exception to our local shelter in place ordinance. And it makes a big difference in maintaining sanity, especially for parents of young children. But it’s the same people every day, posting “what part of stay home and shelter in place don’t you jerks understand?“

              1. Old and Don’t Care*

                Yeah, I’m not familiar with every state’s orders but all the ones I’ve seen allow for, and often encourage outdoor exercise. Which makes sense to me, given the high co-morbidities with diabetes and hypertension, and how good exercise is for both conditions. Where I live, state parks and local parks and recreational trails are open. And someone posted on NextDoor “I read on another social media site that people are still doing their long runs at {local multi use trail}…if people keep using the trails the Governor will have to shut them down.” Priceless.

          3. Agnodike*

            That is really interesting and helpful; thank you for sharing your perspective! If I can summarize to check my understanding: you’re saying that measures are working overall because they’re getting some percentage of it right, but you have some specific tweaks that you think would decrease the overall burden on citizens without decreasing effectiveness.

            Can I ask about following virologists on Twitter? One of the things I’m also very interested in is informal expertise. How do you decide which professionals to follow, and if two disagree, how do you decide who’s right? Or do you just keep the two perspectives in tension?

            Thanks again for sharing; I appreciate it!

            1. Ann O.*

              No worries. Yes, I think your summary is accurate. Thank you very much for checking that. The one clarification I would add is that they’re tweaks based on reading scientists/public health officials articles, not things I came up with on my own.

              I started reading Dr. Zeynep Tufkeci’s Twitter feed after her mask advocacy article went viral. I used to work in the EHS department of a medical care provider where my primary job was making sure our state clinics were in compliance with the appropriate state regulations (because each state had slightly different rules). So masks were something I felt pretty confident in my understanding, and what the Surgeon General and CDC were saying made no sense! Dr. Tufkeci felt like a breath of sanity in a world gone mad. From her Twitter, I found virologists whose explanations were easy to follow.

              It is hard to evaluate when virologists disagree with each other since it’s not my field. But I’m a former academic, so I’m very comfortable with reading primary sources. The ones I follow are all good about linking to studies, so I go and read them. That helped a lot because some of the studies that have gone viral have been misrepresented (like I didn’t originally understand that “detectable” virus in virology isn’t the same thing as “if you touch this, you will pick up an infectious dose”).

              I recognize that there’s a lot of unknowns in a novel-coronavirus, so to me it’s all about balancing the pros and cons. No one can know 100% how safe or dangerous the beach openings at FL are, for example, but I can evaluate that based on what we do know, the likely risk is fairly low and consistent with other risks we are tolerating.

            2. Green Turtle*

              If you like podcasts, This Week in Virology is top-notch if you like really detailed info about this virus. I personally find the hosts lovely to listen to both in terms of their actual voices and their attitude – much of what they discuss is over my head, but a lot of it isn’t. Its a totally scientific/ research-focused podcast.

      2. Bibliovore*

        Do I think these measures are a bit of an overreaction as a whole? I have to say yes I do. But I won’t deny that it’s working!!”

        I am trying to be kind. I am trying to be calm. Thank you for sharing.
        So maybe you need to read more about what is happening in emergency rooms in NYC and that this virus doesn’t pick and choose the victims. non symptomatic carriers who think others are over reacting are spreading this virus and killing the grocery store clerks, the teachers, and the medical care workers .

            1. Agnodike*

              Can you say more about that? It doesn’t seem particularly unlikely to me that 45 out of NYC’s ~9000 deaths could be doormen.

              1. alex b*

                There was one tiny NY Post article that referenced “45 Doormen” in the title, but read it….

        2. ThatGirl*

          If we do this we’ll, it will seem like an overreaction, that’s the way it goes. Which means some people will always believe that.

        3. MissGirl*

          You seem to be implying Laura is ill-informed or uneducated. Many people can look at the same things you are and form different opinions. I see this in my own family. I think the actions our state put in place are responsible and I’d like to see them slowly ease in May, my brother sees it as a gross overreaction, and my other brother wants them to keep going another month.

          I don’t know which one of us is right (it’s me, of course, jk). We can feel differently about this. It may take years to know if our response as a whole was correct or not.

          1. Fikly*

            Except that we have data now about deaths and cases separated by countries and locations and timeline of social distancing and other mentions, and the data is extremely clear.

            People can feel however they feel, but thankfully, that doesn’t change reality.

            1. MissGirl*

              I’m not arguing against action but there is a huge gray area between doing nothing and locking your population inside for three months. Most of us are arguing over semantics. That’s why it’s impossible to know where the exact proper line is to draw. We’re probably overreacting in some regions and grossly under reacting in others.

              As a data analyst, it’s really hard to know for sure the exact right course of action because there are so many variables that come into play. To know with 100% of certainty you’d have to have two identical control groups to compare and have one take an action and the other not.

              My long-winded point is that we can’t as individuals force our loved ones, neighbors, etc. to toe our line nor can they force us. Her neighbors are going to do their own thing. And that’s reality.

            2. MissGirl*

              You know what ignore my comment. This thread is going into internet arguing which does no one any good. Here’s what should’ve been my only post. Have a great and peaceful day. I hope you’re safe, happy, and well.

            3. Ann O.*

              The data is extremely noisy, not clear, IMHO. We know that shelter in place measures work to interrupt an outbreak. We also know that shelter in place measures as most locations have implemented them have been insufficient to squelch the outbreak. Household transmission is still occurring. Essential workplace transmission is still occurring. There are also almost certainly geographic and urban planning factors that are why FL’s crowded spring breaks didn’t turn Miami into NYC, but these are basically not being discussed (and are probably not really understood at this point).

              We also know that shelter in place has severe, significant negative consequences. People not having income and businesses collapsing aren’t small things. Economists are warning of a depression, not a recession. That’s a very big deal! That’s not just oh, rich people are losing stock.

              We also do not know is how long we need to maintain a shelter in place for it to working or at what point the negative consequences outweigh the positive benefits.

              In addition, we know multiple countries have been able to manage their outbreaks without needing lockdowns. IMHO, the data tells us that the bog standard public health measures of test, trace, and isolate are far superior to shelter in place. Personally, I am most angry and agitated about the US’s complete failure to get our act together here. If shelter in place just pushes the pain further down the line, it’s not accomplishing what it’s supposed to. But yet it seems like there’s precious little progress in most states on having the infrastructure for testing, tracing, or isolating.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry this is happening. One thing you might consider, w/r/t your kids, is talking to them concretely about peer pressure and why it’s important to maintain what you know is right and healthy for yourself even if other people aren’t doing it. You also get to acknowledge that it’s a hard thing to do, even for adults.

      I say “concretely” because kids get a lot of abstract lectures about peer pressure, but this is a case where you can say, “it’s really hard for me to keep doing what I know is best, when I see other people making different choices that look more fun. And here’s why I do make the harder choice.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I love this. Yes, OP, it’s an excellent example of keeping your own thoughts on things and not following the herd. Indeed, you can find other examples through history where a small group of people made different choices and it turned out to be the correct choice. They were not popular at that time, but history has reframed all that so we can see clearly how some unpopular ideas have been correct. Please do talk to your kids about this. I hate saying this because it implies the world has turned a bit rougher, but it will probably serve them well in life.

        My FIL referred to it as “keeping your own counsel”. As the years roll by I like this expression more and more.

      3. RagingADHD*

        Yep, if there were a more literal example of “if everyone else jumped off a bridge…” I wouldn’t want to see it.

    4. J.B.*

      My personal call – we are in an area that has not been hit as heavily as New York and the schools are out. The adults on our street are working from home and only go out to shop – or in two cases to see immediate family. I do let kids play with other kids on our street, although they are smaller groups and less frequent than in the before times. The mom on our street who works at the hospital has isolated her kids from everyone.

      Schools being out is a massive risk reduction measure. I do not view it is a conspiracy, but as a matter of my long term sanity. This is going on for months, and we’re already dealing with some pretty heavy mental health issues. This is risk reduction, not quarantine.

    5. WellRed*

      So slate Care and Feeding published a letter a few weeks ago from a dad who thought it was crazy a bunch of moms decided to hold a regular kindergarten playgroup and thought they were taking all precautions with sanitizing, etc. His update this week: several of those children are gravely ill with Covid-19, including at least one who might die. Print off the letter and stick it under all their windshields.

      2. Ann O.*

        There is no way to know that the letter is real. A cluster of kids of that age coming down with Covid-19 would be unusual, but no one could find any news reports about it. Slate does no fact checking or other form of authentication for their advice columns.

    6. Anonnington*

      I’m in NYC. There are people here who don’t take it seriously and/or believe the conspiracy theories. This has increased in the past few days, since the curve started to drop and certain leaders set certain precedents.

      I fear there will be an upswing in infections. People think things can go back to normal, but we still don’t have a cure and many are still vulnerable to infection.

    7. MatKnifeNinja*

      I told my niece, our relatives didn’t dodge small poxs, typhoid, measles and God knows what else from Quebec circa 1600 forward, only for us to toilet flush it because we are “bored”.

      Best case scenario, we over did protection and we are alive. Worse case, dead.

      I had 5 relatives die from polio during the 1930 to 1950s. All of the ignored the restrictions in place during the time. They sure had fun swimming at the pools. So worth it./s

      The good thing about science, it’s still science whether you believe it or not. I chose to keep myself secluded. I don’t care if everyone and there dog is out. My hospitalist friend unplugged 3 people from vents yesterday. This is no where done.

      I have relative who swears people are NOT dying from COVID-19. The hospitals are just labeling it for getting government $$$. AND all the stories about the hospitals are totally fake news. Blocked that lunatic from my social media.

    8. Senor Montoya*

      You can say what my mom always said: If everybody jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? (Mom is old-school)

      This is actually a serious answer! Explain to your kids, that just because others make poor decisions, does not mean they/we have to make those same decisions. Just because others do things that are wrong (in this case, wrong both in terms of science and in terms of ethics), does not mean we shouldn’t do what is right.

  43. dryroasted*

    Would love book recommendations from this group. I have never read much sci fi/fantasy but read an article about N.K. Jemisin winning the Hugo award a while ago and decided to read the Broken Earth trilogy. I LOVED IT! what else would you recommend for someone who was super into Broken Earth? Thanks!

    1. Number 1*

      The Broken Earth series is one of my favourites! Have you read any more N.K. Jemison? I really enjoyed her Dreamblood duology, which is set in an ancient Egypt-type world. She also has the Inheritance series but I was underwhelmed by the first one and haven’t read the others.

    2. Lady Jay*

      Anything by Octavia Butler, really. My favourite is Xenogenesis, but that’s a bit to bite off (three separate novels, starting with Dawn). I enjoyed Wild Seed and I’ve heard good things about the Parable of the Sower.

    3. J.B.*

      I have some pretty broad (and not all highbrow) tastes. I also love Terry Pratchett which is funny and the elemental masters series by Mercedes Lackey, with some of the books including retelling of Sherlock Holmes. If you like nonfiction science-y stuff that is funny, Mary Roach is awesome.

      1. dryroasted*

        Oh I do love Mary Roach as well. She reminds me a bit of Bill Bryson. She makes any subject fascinating.

    4. Turtlewings*

      I’m not familiar with Broken Earth so I can’t say how the tone of her work will compare, but my favorite author of all time is Lois McMaster Bujold, who has a science fiction series (The Vorkosigan Saga) and two fantasy series (World of the Five Gods, The Sharing Knife). Her stuff is very witty, character-driven, and hopeful.

    5. Bex*

      N.K. Jemisin is one of my favorites! I’d also recommend Ann Leckie’s Ancillary Justice trilogy.

    6. Reba*

      You might try the two series by Laini Taylor. They both have a strong romance element. Richly imagined worlds, cool magic systems, luscious writing.

      Did you ever read the His Dark Materials series? there are new books in the series or a new trilogy or something, and the later books have a more mystery-thriller flavor that I also enjoy.

      The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell. Fascinating and sad, good-sad.

      Mistborn trilogy and Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson. Tropey but enjoyable!

      Embassytown and The City and the City by China Mieville. Embassytown is one that really stuck in my mind!

      Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula LeGuin. Another that I still think about a lot. And honestly the Earthsea series, too. It starts out like “boy wizard goes to wizard school, did I need another one of these” but then it goes on to be about gender politics, the nature of deities/magic, and more!

    7. Anono-me*

      Some of my favorite authors are published by Baen books. The guy that founded the publishing company was a big believer in free ebook access to at least some of the catalog. So a lot of their more popular long-term authors have the first and sometimes the second book in the series available for free on their website. That way you can see if you like an author before putting much money into a book.

      Lois McMaster Bujold is a favorite writer of mine.

      1. dryroasted*

        I have one! “How long ‘til Black Future Month”. Loved it as well. She is an amazing writer.

  44. SheLooksFamiliar*

    Alison, thank you for posting pictures of your cats – all cats are beautiful to me, but Shadow is especially gorgeous. Please give all your kitties a chin or ear scritch for me.

    1. No Tribble At All*

      Please give Hank a belly rub!!! (If he allows it. Although he should, having such a magnificent and fluffy belly)

      1. SheLooksFamiliar*

        Ha! Irresistibly fluffy bellies are usually a trap, and I have the scars on my wrists and forearms to prove it!

    2. Lcsa99*

      Shadow is absolutely stunning but I love Hank’s markings, particularly the one on his chin. It looks so much like a goatee I keep think of him as a death metal kitty :)

  45. Virtual Games?*

    Any games that people have been able to play successfully with their distanced fam during all this? We’ve been playing JackBox and the ones on House Party. I read that Ticket to Ride and Catan had editions that would work but Catan needed an update. I found Scattegories but you can only play one other person at a time. We’ve been trying to play games on Friday nights and I would love to hear what you’ve been doing!

    2. Anon5775*

      I have a probably little known game called Bring Your Own Book, but you don’t need the cards to play, you could make it up yourself. It’s like Apples to Apples where there is a prompt and then instead of everyone else choosing a card to fit that prompt, you have a pile of your own books in front of you and you have 1 min to find the best answer you can in a book. So, I sent out prompts ahead of time by taking pictures of some of the cards and emailing them to my sisters, but you can also just think up your own. They can be things like “what an alien would say”, “tag line for horror movie”, “name for a pet pig”, “found in a textbook”, “words from a Christmas carol”, etc. And then the other players find answers in their books. I had the timer and a score sheet and we just took turns being “it” (the reader of the prompt and chooser of the best answer) while on Skype. It worked pretty well and you can even have kids play if you make the prompts at their level.

    3. Emily*

      I’ve played online Dominion (dominion.games) and Mysterium (on Steam, I think it’s up to 7 players). There’s also a number of sites that I haven’t vetted yet for online board games (Yucata.de, Tabletopia, Boite a Jeux) that you might try.

    4. Colette*

      I’ve been playing on boardgamearena.com. They have a wide variety of games. Some are free; others need one person in the group to have a premium membership (which is not expensive.)

    5. board*

      Look up Board Game Arena online. It is free to make an account and you can play a ton of board games virtually, in real time. I have been playing daily with my sisters and parents!

    6. Schmitt*

      Yeah, Steam / Asmodee have various board games with generally pretty nice interfaces, costs vary. Yucata.de is a free async board game site with tons of games, the interface takes a bit of getting used to. I also use it to play live with friends/family. I prefer the style/tone there over boardgamearena.

  46. Policy wonk*

    What was your grocery store out of this week? Still no paper products. This week we actually had flour, but no baking soda. Out of semi-sweet chocolate chips. And out of blocks of cheese, but plenty of shredded. Frozen vegetables are starting to come back, but the only frozen pizzas are the ones with cauliflower crust!

    1. nep*

      I was amazed at my luck the other day when I found the very kind of paper towel we normally get, in 15-pack, and a quality brand of toilet paper. Lucky timing. Prior to that, all I saw was empty paper products shelves for weeks. Glad the store is limiting to one.
      For flour, I heard a report on NPR yesterday that some restaurants are offering bags of flour with orders–They have it in bulk and some have made it available in smaller bags as part of a food order. Interesting.

      1. Pippa K*

        I found a solution to the Great Yeast Shortage! A local bakery is staying open with curbside pickup, and they’ve cleverly used their suppliers to offer a wide range of things they don’t normally sell – so not only cakes and pies, etc. but baking ingredients like flour, eggs, butter, sugar, and best of all yeast. They’re even selling vinyl food-service gloves by the box, since that’s also something they can order in bulk.

        You might try calling a local bakery and asking if they’re doing something like this. We were happy to support a small business and get our necessities. We also bought a fancy cake. You know, just to be polite :-)

        1. Wired Wolf*

          My company started selling live yeast in bricks; the in-store bakery is closed down and they had to do something with it…price was maybe slightly higher than the same amount of a national brand. Hoping they will continue this after things blow over; I know yeast is something customers were asking for long before this.

      2. Oldbiddy*

        We’re mostly out of yeast at most stores here, but someone at the store told my husband that some stores keep some in the dairy section and no one knows to look there. I was able to get a 4 oz container – sadly it cost more than a pound usually costs me but it’ll do.
        One of the local restaurants is doing grocery delivery or pickup of stuff from the warehouses. There’s a $150 minimum order and we don’t need it yet but they do have 50 lb bags of bread flour and 1 lb bags of yeast at fairly reasonable prices

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          I bought a pound of yeast at Costco and a 25 pound bag of flour. I felt a little silly with such a huge bag but once I decanted it into gallon bags and my pantry flour bin it didn’t look like so much. I bake quite a bit so I’m happy to be set for the month :)

      3. Chaordic One*

        And not just yeast for bread, but also out of Nutritional Yeast. “Bob’s Red Mill” Nutritional Yeast flakes is sort of a “go to” for me and all of a sudden there is none to be found. Since I have so many food allergies I use it in place parmesan cheese.

      4. Lady Baker*

        I was able to buy the same brand of yeast I normally use (Saf) on Amazon two days ago. Also, there are a lot of small mills around the country who grind their own flour, and I was able to get yeast for a friend from one of those when I was ordering flour. So maybe branching out into other markets might help you find some!

    3. anon24*

      No rice since the beginning of March :( it is one of my favorite foods and I only have enough left for one meal. And Amazon is selling it at ridiculous prices and saying I can’t get it until mid-May.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh boo! I just bought a big burlap sack of rice yesterday … and got home to find I already had one under a shelf in the garage that hadn’t even been opened yet. Would share if I could!

        1. anon24*

          I don’t know why I never thought of that! I live near a small city that is very diverse and has people from all over the world so lots of little groceries and corner stores from various cultures. But luckily my spouse tracked down a 10 lb bag of rice (only rice he could find) on his way home from work today so I’m good for the next few apocalypses :)

        2. Reba*

          Yeah, I’m having the most success at H-mart, a korean grocery chain.

          The funny thing is that we are ending up with larger quantities than we’d usually get os some stuff, because that’s all that’s left on the shelf. The double size dishwasher powder. Four pounds of salt should last us a while.

      3. Not a cat*

        Oh gosh, I noticed this too! My favorite rice is now priced at 60 bucks for 10lbs. There’s a nice hot place in hell for those sellers.

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      Still no flour or eggs in the big supermarket near me, but the only thing I couldn’t get that I wanted was parsley. Amazingly they did have pasta though!

    5. Alex*

      The only things my regular store was out of (that I was trying to find) were toilet paper, baking powder, and jalepeno peppers.

      I found these items at Whole Foods though (except the toilet paper, which I found at CVS).

    6. ThatGirl*

      I bought TP, Kleenex and paper towels this week, the shelves were not full at Target but plenty was available.

      Soup was slowly returning. Some sugar and flour. Plenty of eggs, but those were one carton per person.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I’ll take that pizza with the cauliflower crust! lol.

      I have been super lucky and found a few packages of most things left on the shelf when I got to the store. To be fair, I had to go to a couple stores. Also I made sure I got in the store early, just after the senior’s hour had passed. And I learned that stores away from more populated areas are more apt to have things, not a lot but maybe a couple packages on the shelf.

      Still not finding canned fruit in light syrup or water. But it’s not a high priority on my list anyway.

    8. Kathenus*

      There are two specific kind of tortilla chips – baked Scoops and black bean and garlic Tostitos – that have been our for months. And small six pack bottles of diet tonic water, same thing, out for months. TP too but I’m OK on that and it’s pretty much expected at this point. But actually surprised that my small neighborhood (but big name) grocery store was so well stocked last week. I hadn’t been shopping in a while so stocked up as much as I could while there so I can stay away for a while.

    9. Jedi Squirrel*

      Still no yeast, no margarine (but they did have butter and the google has ways to make your own spreadable butter, so I guess that is just how I will live now), no strawberries.

      Costco was out of tomato sauce, which is a pity because their brand is my favorite. I did pick up a case at Sam’s Club; it was the only thing I went in for and I have never been in and out of there so quickly.

      Toilet paper and paper towels are returning, slowly. Costco was also out of any sort of disinfectant, but my local Meijer had 8 oz bottles of hand sanitizer‒for $2.99 a bottle! It’s ethanol, instead of isopropyl, which is supposed to work better against viruses than bacteria, but I’m thinking I should have just picked up a cheap bottle of vodka instead.

      I did buy some of that prepackaged rotisserie chicken breast at Costco though. Going to make some chicken salad (chicken, mayo, rosemary: that is all) to eat on some Ritz crackers so I can feel all fancy.

      1. Quiznakit*

        Butter stays good at room temperature, so you could keep it on your counter as long as the weather is temperate. If you don’t use a lot and are worried about it going off before you used the entire stick* then you could portion it out in usable amounts and keep the rest refrigerated until needed.

        *presuming US butter here

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          I have tried that. It freaks me out a bit, TBH. It’s not the lack of refrigeration, it’s just the fact that things can get under the glass cover. Maybe I should go for a bowl with a tightly-fitting lid.

          I really want to get one of those water-seal butter dishes when this is all over. Lehman’s has one for ten dollars.

          Actually, I think I’m going to buy quite a bit of stuff from Lehman’s when this is all over.

          1. All monkeys are French*

            We keep our butter dish in the microwave, since one of the “things” that can get under the glass cover is a cat.

            1. Dancing Otter*

              My BIL stayed with us for a while, and he refused to put the butter away, even when we showed him the lick marks. “Butter will be good for him!” Yeah, maybe, but you know what else he licks with that tongue, right?

    10. Worked in IT forever*

      I’m in Canada. There’s no flour or yeast, but we produce flour here, so I’m sure it’ll be back relatively soon. Apart from that, things are relatively normal. I’m surprised that even imported fruits and veggies are available as normal. (Thanks to the transport companies and truck drivers, of course.)

      Paper products are now pretty easily available where I am, though not necessarily in every store. We do have plenty of trees and paper mills up here :)

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          A major pork processing in South Dakota plant just shut down because a lot of the workers caught Covid-19.

    13. GoryDetails*

      My local supermarkets are pretty well stocked (southern New Hampshire), but on my last grocery run they were out of chicken wings, which (of course) I had a craving for. But they had chicken feet, which I’d never used before, so I thought “why not?” and bought some. Made stock with them, a very rich version that has gelled almost solid, and which should enhance a round of soups and stews.

      1. Blueberry*

        Chicken feet are awesome for soup, and also for the urge to gnaw bits of meat off of bones — look up recipes for “Phoenix Claws” if you want to make the dim sum classic dish.

    14. AvonLady Barksdale*

      No tofu (I found some two weeks ago), no miso, I had to buy the pricey pickle slices. Very few frozen veggies. No unsalted butter, no large brown eggs (I bought xl). I have some salted butter and one stick of unsalted to make a tart tomorrow.

      All of this is manageable. What stresses me out is that if I get home and realize I forgot something, I don’t want to go back to the store. That is literally across the street.

    15. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      They’re really well stocked over here, with food and drinks are mostly covered, although there are some marmalade and chocolate shortages. There’s enough beer, wine and spirits to resist for a couple of months.

    16. Chaordic One*

      There’s been a shortage of Campbell’s canned soup, but plenty of the more expensive brands and also plenty of the cheaper store brands. There’s a strange shortage of cleaning products. In particular I was looking for 409 brand cleaner and there’s none to be found. And of course, there are no cleaning wipes to be found. No hand sanitizer. Not much in the way of liquid hand soap. No disposable gloves. No rubbing alcohol. No thermometers.

    17. Lucette Kensack*

      This was the worst week yet for us.

      From our list, there was no: pork, chicken, baked products of any kind, orange juice, tortillas, frozen peas, lemons, Nutella (oh the humanity!!), and obviously toilet paper, disinfecting wipes, and hand sanitizer.

    20. Elenna*

      We’ve had small bags of flour the whole time (I think shortages have been less bad in Toronto in general) but this week my mom finally found a big bag of flour! She didn’t check if there was yeast though. I kind of want to be the one doing grocery shopping next time we go (two weeks from now) just because then I can catalog all the things I’m curious about, but unfortunately I’m not free during work hours when grocery stores are (theoretically) less empty, and the rest of the family is. (They’re still working, but their hours are more flexible).

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Still no sign of strong bread flour, but my local supermarket was stocking sachets of dried yeast.

    22. LGC*

      Cleaning products, of course. Like, all the cleaning products – we hardly have dish detergent! (Funny enough, it seems like the organic stuff has stayed. Hm.)

      We have a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables. We’re out of frozen fruit and vegetables. We have a ton of frozen dinners, though.

      Strangely, syrup and pancake mix.

  47. RMNPgirl*

    I was supposed to fly to London in a few days for a week long vacation there. I’d been planning it for months and I’ve been so disappointed that I had to cancel everything. I’ve been able to get refunds and all that, but I haven’t started thinking about rescheduling because we have no idea when this threat will really be over. I’m still taking the time off to recharge (I’m an essential worker in healthcare adjacent field) but it definitely won’t be the same!
    Anyone else have travel plans that got disrupted and if so are you rescheduling now or waiting to see what happens?

    1. WellRed*

      Not what you asked, but I am thinking of suggesting to my mom that she start researching where we can go at Christmas this year. (she’s isolated in an isolated summer community). But then I wonder if we’ll able to, or if I’ll be able to afford it. Also, I have noticed, the older she gets, the more “stuck” she gets an idea and won’t let it go, so that might make it worse.
      London sounds like it was a dream vacation. I am sorry you had to cancel.

    2. Marion Ravenwood*

      I was meant to be going to Cornwall with my family at the end of May but I’m pretty sure that won’t happen now. It’s a shame as I’d managed to book the sleeper train (for once) and was actually really looking forward to that, as well as seeing the family. But oh well. Hopefully next year. The other planned trip was to Rotterdam for the Eurovision Song Contest in mid May but as I’d only booked the hostel I haven’t tremendously lost out on that one.

      Otherwise I’ve got a festival in Lisbon booked for July, which is currently still going ahead, but realistically I think my first trip will be to the Lake District at the end of August.

    3. Marion Ravenwood*

      Also I’m really sorry you had to cancel your London trip, and I hope you get to go when this is all over.

    4. cat socks*

      We were supposed to leave for Jamaica on Friday. It was a group trip with people from around the world and we were going to tour various rum distilleries. The organizers are looking at rescheduling for next year.

      I’m definitely bummed because it snowed here in Friday and I was really wishing I was on the beach with a cocktail.

      I was able to get a refund for the hotel, but now I have an airline credit with American that is supposed to expire at the end of 2020. But now it seems their policy has changed and I may be able to use the credits until 2021? I just need to set aside some time to get on the phone with them and get confirmation on the exact policies.

    5. Lost in the Woods*

      My best friend and I haven’t seen one another in almost a year; we live 2,000 miles apart. She was supposed to fly out mid march; we were going to go hiking, do all the fun stuff I never bother to do alone like go to the zoo and the natural history museum, and just generally hang out. In the grand scheme of everything happening it’s very small, but I miss her a lot and I’m so disappointed we didn’t get to have that time. We’re waiting to reschedule since I may be laid off and she has no idea what her totally disrupted grad school timeline is going to look like.

    6. Alex*

      I had a fantastic 2 week vacation planned. I didn’t even get an airline refund–just a credit that will expire before the end of the year.

      I have no idea if I can reschedule or not. Doesn’t seem like the time to figure that out.

      I did not take the time off from work. I lost some of it because it expired, but work got so crazy that I couldn’t take the time off anyway.

    7. The Messy Headed Momma*

      We were supposed to go to a neighboring state for our 10 year anniversary. We ended up at a waterfowl preserve about 90 minutes away & had drive thru McDonalds green chile cheeseburgers for our celebratory dinner.
      At least we will always remember this one! <3

      1. WellRed*

        This is awesome! Also, love how McDonald’s seems to have regional specialties. No green chile cheeseburgers here.

        1. The Messy Headed Momma*

          They *just* got McChicken Biscuits here, which made me laugh, having grown up in the South.

    8. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Ugh, we have flights to the UK for July, and it looks like British Airways will only give us a voucher for future travel, and who knows if or when we’ll be able to use that? This was a trip for a specific life milestone, and while we can still celebrate that milestone, it will be harder because it took us months to figure out this time that we could all go. It sounds horrible, but a little part of me is hoping that they have to cancel all flights so I can get a refund.

    9. Buni*

      RMNPgirl, I know it’s small consolation at the mo but London is COMPLETELY shut down, you wouldn’t have been able to do a single thing (unless you really like queueing at supermarkets…).

      Glad you were able to get refunds; hit me up when all this is over and you reschedule, I’ll show you round!

      1. London Calling*

        Weird, isn’t it? those pictures of Piccadilly Circus with a couple of people and NO TRAFFIC. I live in SW London and I see about one plane a day, as well. The bonus is the peace and the birdsong.

        1. Ryan Howard’s White Suit*

          I was reading an account of someone in London in the New Yorker the other day. My family and I went for the first time back in November—a lifelong dream for me—and the descriptions of how empty the places we’d been in that had been teeming with people then was just unbelievable. Because we live in a neighborhood and aren’t venturing out much at all we haven’t witnessed it in our own city to that degree. I really look forward to returning when it is safe to do so.

          1. London Calling*

            Everything is shut. Theatres, cinemas, restaurants, pubs, bars, all but essential shops, and there is virtually no traffic even in the centre of London. There is a map of Britain showing % movement in the UK before lockdown and on the days following, and over Easter it shows no movement at all. A survey was done between 1-7 April over several countries – in the UK 9 out of 10 people said they left their houses no more than once a day, and 62% said they’d not been within 6 feet of anyone outside their household – and that’s an incredible feat of social distancing. All without the threats used in so many European countries — massive fines for daring to leave home without a certificate stating the precise, officially approved reason. We are just doing it and I think we can be pretty proud of that.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              It blew my mind when Laramie Maiklem (aka “The London Mudlark”) posted that the Thames foreshore was shut down for recreational activity. Wandering the river bottom when tide is out seems the ultimate social distancing….but then I realized it would be so easy for someone to need a rescue. :(

              1. Buni*

                I’m just glad London is such a green place, and they’ve kept (most of) the parks open because (most) people are being sensible so there are still places to walk. I live in Zone 2 and can still legitimately claim I was woken up this morning by a couple of geese having a shouting match on the Green.

    10. Square Root of Minus One*

      I had a heck of a travel/vacation plan all around June 27 through July 14, to kick multiple birds with one ricocheting stone: concert, family visit 1, tournament, training session, family visit 2, family-in-law visit 3 with wedding, then back. So far only the wedding might still be on.
      So now I can’t do that, I might be tempted instead with a particular concert in December and the associated travel to London as well. I’ll check if there are seats left.

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I had Disney trips scheduled in March, May, July, and October. March was lost. May probably will be too. I’m not thinking about the other two til way closer.

    12. Kathenus*

      My dad’s 80th BD is late May, I was going to fly down and surprise him. Pretty sure that’s not likely now.

    13. Lore*

      I was supposed to be in Thailand from 4/4 through 4/15. We were lucky to get money back from the airline because our flights got canceled early (via Seoul, so) and we hadn’t yet booked anything else nonrefundable. But the trip itself was a rare conjunction of one old friend living in Bangkok until this summer and another’s kids having spring break trips from their high school, so it probably can’t get rescheduled. Which sucks. Hoping my friend and I can go somewhere when this is over—she’s frontline medical personnel and I’d love to whisk her away to a spa.

    14. MissGirl*

      So far a writer’s retreat in a national park, a work trip to California I was going to extend into a fun vacation, a beach trip to Mexico in June that probably won’t happen.

    15. Might be Spam*

      My son lives in Miami and I live in Wisconsin. He comes for Christmas and I go to him for Easter. I didn’t get to see him this time and I really miss him. It’s especially hard because I don’t know when I will see him again. He lives with an EMT who can’t get PPE and has to buy her own gloves. They fully expect to get sick and I’m so worried because even young adults may die from Covid19.
      We were also planning a family trip to New York in June with his sister which got canceled. Our family members have been going through some tough times even without the pandemic. This was going to be a chance to connect and support each other.

    16. Claire*

      I should have been in Manchester this weekend with my best friend for a gig. We should have been going to London in June for concerts. I’d been managing OK until this weekend, but knowing I should have been away is making it harder.

      The Manchester gig has been rescheduled for August, but I can’t see that actually happening so we haven’t booked anything travel-wise. London concerts have been rescheduled to June 2021.

      We have another trip to London for a concert scheduled in September which hasn’t been cancelled yet. I’m honestly not sure what to hope for there.

    17. Tris Prior*

      We had planned 3 trips this year – only one of which was actually booked – to scout out possible cities to move to. We cancelled the first booked trip, which was supposed to be in early May. I have no idea when to reschedule it for or even if we can move now since looking for work is going to be so much tougher even if travel becomes safe again.

      United wouldn’t refund my ticket, only gave me a credit that I have to book within 1 year, for travel within 2 years. Can we even travel in 2 years? Who knows? I suspect that money has gone poof. :(

    18. Bluebell*

      Our family was going to TX in May for a graduation, but that went by the wayside. Also, a friend and I usually travel somewhere for a long weekend each May. We plan it in March, so at least this year I didn’t have plane tickets that I needed to cancel.

    19. OtterB*

      I was supposed to be in New Orleans for work this week. We have planned a family vacation to Yellowstone in July, piggybacking on a work event for me within driving distance. I am pretty sure we will cancel the Yellowstone trip. Decision hasn’t been made yet on the work event, but I suspect it will be a no-go. Even if things are opening up, a conference designed to bring people together from all over the US and Canada seems like a bad idea.

    20. Alexandra Lynch*

      Not so much travel, but….
      We were starting to talk engagement rings in February. That’s on hold, even doing a “marry first and get the jewelry later” stuff is on hold because the courthouse is closed.
      So I have NO idea on that timeline any more, or when we might be looking at a honeymoon or where we might go, or anything like that.

      Of course, as I said the other day, if the three of us (we are a triad, but only Boyfriend and I can legally marry) can get through this still in love with each other and with no one in a locked ward, I’ll call it good enough. One day at a time.

    21. LDN Layabout*

      I’m the only member of my family left in the UK (first gen immigrant (as a child), immediate family are ex-pating in the EU for the next 5-10 years).

      I was meant to visit my family in May and other family in June. If I see any of them before next year I’ll consider myself lucky.

      I want to hug my dad :(

    22. Elenna*

      We were supposed to go to (probably) northern Italy in July. Doubt that will happen now. My parents’ March break plans to go to Portugal were also cancelled literally two days before they were supposed to leave.

      1. Elenna*

        Failed to actually answer the question, I probably shouldn’t be posting on forums at nearly 4 am…

        The Portugal trip got replaced by a last-minute driving trip to Quebec. Back then that was still allowed, and it sounds like they did have a lot of fun.
        Italy is probably straight-up cancelled. We can’t really reschedule, because I had other plans for next year which I don’t want to put off.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I had booked a cruise for July, but I am going to cancel it, as even if the cruise ships are up and running by then, I would prefer to travel later during the year. If it is still possible to travel in July, then I might have a go at Interrailing.

    23. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Friends from overseas were coming to NYC in June on the same week that one of the hot kpop bands was playing at Madison Square Garden. I was going to surprise my teenager with tickets, pick her up at school, and drive directly to Manhattan to meet my old friend and her teenager at the concert. And then a weekend of Greenwich Village and whatever part of the City the kids wanted. I’m pretty sure this is all off.

    24. MommyMD*

      I’m sorry for you. My happiest time in life is visiting my daughter in Colorado. Supposed to go next week. Cancelled it. I’ll probably work. Good luck. I’m hoping July is ok.

    25. Senor Montoya*

      I have not rescheduled anything. My husband was supposed to go to DC this week; not going, event cancelled. We were supposed to go to NY state next month, not going, not rescheduled. We were supposed to visit my 90 year mother-in-law this summer; never even got to plan it or buy the tickets. My kid is supposed to go back to college this fall; ordinarily I buy the airline tickets right around now; why bother? we’ll see if he’s even going.

    26. Katrianah (UK)*

      I should be in Oregon with my long-distance partner right now. Not gonna lie, it hurts a LOT that I don’t know when I’ll be able to see him again.

  48. LossMom*

    As previously mentioned, I am the mother of a baby girl who died last summer after spending her life in the NICU. People are weird and awkward around infant loss, often because they just don’t know what to say or what not to. So I have decided to try to start sharing some suggestions on things that are and are not helpful, based on my experiences and those of some other loss parents I know. My goal is to share one unhelpful thing and one helpful thing each time I post.
    This week I would ask you to please stop saying (or implying) that our grief should be completed on a timeline. Parents of living babies are not expected to just pick their lives up where they were before pregnancy, or go back to their previous normal. So why do so many people think loss parents should do so? That after six weeks, or three months, or a year, we should be past it somehow? I get that watching someone else be in pain is hard, and that most of us would rather not see it. Honestly we would rather not be experiencing it. The thing is, infant loss is a complicated grief. It isn’t only the loss of this tiny precious person who held your entire heart, it’s losing a lifetime of possibilities. It’s being confronted over and over and over with lost dreams. I will never see her first steps or hear her first words. There will be no first day of kindergarten, high school graduation or wedding day. I’ll never get to experience the wonder of watching my daughter become all that she could have been. On top of all that, the death of my baby changed me fundamentally. It changed how I see and interact with the world, it changed my relationships with those around me, it changed my career goals. As I grieve for her, I grieve all of this. So no, I’m not “past it” yet. On the other hand, and related to this, a great way to support a loss parent is to simply acknowledge their parenthood. Let them know that you still see them as a mom or a dad, as their child’s mom or dad. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, a quick text or email, a few words over the phone (or in person when that’s safe) mean so much to those of us whose parenthood feels invisible or erased.

    1. WellRed*

      I am constantly surprised by how quickly people think grief should pass (even for themselves). So many people even on this thread thinking, “I don’t know why I am so sad or can’t focus.” I can’t even fathom people who think parents who lose a child should pick up and move on.

      I’ve been reading your posts every week and am sorry for your loss.

    2. nep*

      Thank you for this.
      To the extent that I ‘know’ you, I definitely think of you as a mom.
      Sending you love.

      1. Anono-me*

        This that nep said.

        I too have been reading your posts , and crying, and hoping to never need the lessons I am trying to learn. But I would never want to ignorantly add to the burdens that someone is carrying in a time like this and very much appreciate your sharing.

        Later on, have you considered putting all of your posts in some sort of a pamphlet or online site or booklet? I imagine that funeral homes etc. would find it helpful to have something specific like this available to share with the friends and family of parents who have lost their children.

    3. SheLooksFamiliar*

      I’m not a regular reader of the weekend posts and just saw this one. LossMom, I am so sorry about your daughter and the pain you’re enduring. My blood is boiling a little for you because of the comments you’re forced to deal with, even though I know those people mean well. When my sister lost her daughter, she heard the same things – including her own husband. Like you, she’s a mom who will never ‘get over’ the loss of her girl, nor the future that was stolen from her.

      Maybe my words won’t help much, but they’re all I can offer right now. Please know I’m sending warm and gentle thoughts to you as you mourn your precious daughter. Please be kind to yourself as you grieve, And I hope the people in your life who mean well learn to follow your lead and help you on your terms.

    4. KoiFeeder*

      Trauma isn’t one of those things you really “get past” or “get over” like people seem to think it is. At some point, it’ll get easier. But it won’t get gone. You’ll have less bad days, but there isn’t going to be a “last” bad day.

      And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Human beings can’t be expected to process, compartmentalize, and wholly recover from horrible events. It might help to remind yourself that people who expect you to have a timeline to get over your loss have probably never experienced a truly traumatic event.

      I’m a bad person, though, and I usually just want to hit them.

      1. SheLooksFamiliar*

        I understand how you feel. At my niece’s service, a woman told my sister, ‘Don’t you worry, dear heart, God knows what he’s doing.’ Before she could say anything else, I yanked her away so hard I might have left a bruise. I’ve never slapped anyone in anger, but I wanted to that day. Thankfully, my sister doesn’t remember any of this.

        How dense do you have to be to say that to someone suffering true devastation?

        1. KoiFeeder*

          You are a very restrained person. I probably would have mauled her right there. What’s the rule about sufficiently advanced stupidity being indistinguishable from malice?

          1. Wishing You Well*

            “sufficiently advanced stupidity being indistinguishable from malice”
            Wow. True. At my MIL’s funeral, a certifiable idiot told my FIL, “You don’t have anything to live for now, huh?” Thank Heaven, my usually quiet FIL piped up and named his 8 children and the family dog as reasons to live on!
            How can we get people to stop saying stupid stuff?

            1. KoiFeeder*

              A lead pipe works to keep them from saying anything ever again, but I’ve been told that that’s an inappropriate solution.

      2. Pieforbreakfast*

        I remember when Barabra Bush died there was a comment that was like “the death of her young daughter seemed to stay with her though life”. no shit sherlock. People are dumb.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      One of my pet peeves about how we (society) handle grief in general. There is no time line, Ever, for any loss. Additionally grief never ends, it takes different forms as time goes by.

      I feel so bad for people who have been taught, therefore believe, that grief is finite. These folks end up carrying an unrealistic expectation for themselves that can be damaging in so many different ways.

      I have felt the spirit of my Brother Lost. And I have met other people who have also met/felt/even seen the spirit of their Sib Lost. Bodies die, love does not die. Parenting is a commitment to love for that person, this makes them a parent always.

    6. Lilyfromsydney*

      Hi LossMom – thank you for sharing these thoughts weekly. I haven’t had a friend in your position – but it’s likely that I will at some point and I’m learning a lot about how I could best support them.

    7. Anon for this*

      Thank you so much for posting this. A friend of mine has just suffered a similar loss (one of twins and the surviving twin is still in the NICU) and it’s very difficult to know what to say beyond how sorry I am. And to bring food, at least I can do that.

      1. LossMom*

        I’m so very sorry for your friend. That’s a staggering amount of stress and trauma. One thing I found helpful when my daughter was in the NICU was people suggesting tangible things they could do, rather than asking me what I needed. I really couldn’t think clearly enough to know what I needed. Bringing food is always welcome. I also had a friend offer to do my laundry (if you have that level of friendship). That same friend brought me really high quality tissues the day my daughter was dying. That might not sound like anything, but hospital tissues are not gentle on your nose and I really needed tissues that day. Finally, if at all possible (and this may not even be possible unless and until the surviving twin comes home), could I recommend giving your friend space to grieve the living baby without lecturing them on how they should be grateful for their living child? Maybe asking to see the non-surviving twin’s pictures or letting her know you miss and grieve that baby? My heart goes out to you and to your friend. I hope she can find a bit of peace in this overwhelming time.

    8. LibbyG*

      In Elizabeth McCracken’s memoir she writes, “Life goes on, but death goes on too.” Your wise comments make me think of that.

    9. MommyMD*

      I’m so sorry. You’re never past it. It’s a hole in your heart forever. I can’t believe idiotic people ask you that.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Yes the hole in your heart is the way I described it to my aunt when she lost her son six months after I lost my daughter. There will always be a (cousin) shaped hole in your heart, it will not always feel (cousin) sized, sometimes it will feel bigger and sometimes smaller, eventually you will have whole days where it doesn’t feel that big but we’re a long way from that.
        Four years later I’m not sure the day will ever come that my hole feels smaller than my daughter for an entire day but I do certainly feel that it’s smaller for longer periods now.

    11. Sam I Am*

      Thanks for sharing your advice. I find scripts so helpful in general, and we don’t practice the language of grief very much these days.
      My thoughts are with you.

    12. NightOwl*

      Thank you for posting this. I was so sad to read this but please know that I benefitted from your words. I find it helpful to hear what people actually prefer to hear (or not hear). I don’t have children, but I do have friends who have lost children and I never knew what to say (still don’t at times). I usually follow the lead of the parents (if they mention a birthday or visiting the cemetary, etc.) but I never know if I can bring up something first (I don’t want to be insensitive yet I don’t want to cause unnecessary pain either). In cases where I don’t know what to say, I say that – “I don’t know what to say/have any words that can comfort you but I love you and I care”. That may still come across as insensitive but it’s the best I can do. I hope my intent comes across even if my words are completely inadequate.

    13. daybeforetheday*

      You write so beautifully. I wish I could take away the pain.

      Of course you will not be past it. Grief is so personal with no timeline.

  49. Argh!*

    Non-fiction book reviews? Preferably about history, but other topics welcome. Fiction just doesn’t appeal to me like it used to. I prefer to read about actual people who had adventures, accomplished great things, did something unbelievable… Fact is truly often stranger than fiction.

    Also, morbid interest is a plus. One fascinating recent read for me was a book about a serial killer in Berlin during WW2 who took advantage of black-outs to attack people. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that black-outs were an opportunity for criminals, but it makes sense.

    2. Veruca*

      The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks
      Fascinating true story of the development of modern medicine and the people involved

    3. KiwiApple*

      I loved these which I read over the past year:
      The Radium Girls – Kate Moore
      Forensics: The Anatomy of Crime – Val McDermid
      All That Remains: A Life in Death – Sue Black
      The Adventures of Maud West, Lady Detective: Secrets and Lies in the Golden Age of Crime – Susannah Stapleton

    4. HQB*

      “The Devil In the White City” by Erik Larsen.
      “The River of Doubt” by Candice Millard
      “The Lost City of Z” by David Grann
      “The Lost City of the Monkey God” by Douglas Preston
      “Endurance” by Alfred Lansing

      And I’ve heard good things about “I’ll Be Gone In The Dark” by Michelle McNamara, but I haven’t read it myself.

      1. Bluebell*

        I really liked “I’ll be gone in the Dark” – and it’s so amazing they caught the guy. I’m also a big fan of Erik Larson’s books.

    5. cat socks*

      For morbid interest, John Douglas is a former FBI profiler who has written some books. I most recently read “The Cases That Haunt Us”. I believe his first book was “Mindhunter”.

    6. Dr. KMnO4*

      Anything related to Antarctica is usually full of adventures.
      Ice Bound: A Doctor’s Incredible Story of Survival at the South Pole by Dr. Jerri Nielsen is a fantastic book.
      Endurance: Shackleton’s Incredible Voyage by Alfred Lansing is quite good, and if it’s the one I’m remembering, has a lot of original photographs from the voyage.

      Another really good book is Gang Leader for a Day: A Rogue Sociologist Takes to the Streets by Sudhir Venkatesh.

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        I almost forgot Return to the Scene of the Crime: A Guide to Infamous Places in Chicago by Richard Lindberg. It has a sequel as well. Both are fascinating looks at places crimes were committed, details about the crime, and what happened to the location afterwards.

    7. MissGirl*

      Seabiscuit is beautifully written and so fascinating. It’s so much more than the horse and its owners. The era of the depression and the time leading up to it is brought to life.. She made the acknowledgements interesting.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      It’s more a memoir rather than non-fiction as such, but I really enjoyed This Is Going To Hurt by Adam Kay, his diaries from when he worked as a junior doctor in the NHS. Maybe not ideal if you’re squeamish but it is very funny and timely.

    9. Parenthetically*

      Ah! The Professor and the Madman (fascinating little look at the making of the Oxford English Dictionary) and The Devil in the White City (v. v. dramatic, about a serial killer who preyed on people who came to Chicago for the 1893 World’s Fair).

    10. The Witch of the Wilds*

      A stranger than fiction rec:
      The Radioactive Boy Scout, Ken Silverstein
      — about a teen who tries to make a homemade nuclear reactor.

      And, taking morbid interest & running with it:
      Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, Mary Roach
      — or, honestly, any book of hers. They’re all great.
      From Here to Eternity, Caitlin Doughty
      — it’s about international death customs. But, like Roach, I’d rec all her books too.

    12. Lost in the Woods*

      None of these are particularly morbid, but they are fascinating
      SPQR, A History of Ancient Rome, by Mary Beard – exactly what it says on the tin
      The Court of the Red Tsar by SS Montefiore – an exploration of Stalin and his inner circle from about 1929 to his death
      The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman – about the tragic lack of cross-cultural communication and conflict between a group of American doctors and a Hmong refugee family over the care of their severely epileptic daughter. It’s very heavy but absolutely wonderfully written
      The Emperor of All Maladies, a Biography of Cancer by Siddhartha Mukherjee – an amazingly intimate history of cancer research and treatment

      1. Parenthetically*

        HUGE second for The Spirit Catches You, what an incredible, difficult, moving, beautiful book.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Emperor of All Maladies was amazing. It’s also the basis for a Ken Burns documentary of the same name, featuring the author. (The author also appears in KB’s most recent doco, The Gene.)

        1. Lost in the Woods*

          I believe The Gene is based on Mukherjee’s second book of the same name, which I haven’t read yet.

            1. Lost in the Woods*

              It’s been on my to-read list for ages but I haven’t gotten to it yet! Emperor is super personally significant to me (I read it while my grandmother was dying of cancer while I was in middle school, and it helped me realize I wanted to be a doctor), that for some reason I can’t bring myself to read any of his other work – now is probably the time to remedy that!

    13. Best Cat in the World*

      War Doctor by David Nott was fascinating. He is a surgeon who goes into war zones to provide surgical support in hospitals. It’s not gratuitously graphic but it does go into detail about some of the operations and things he saw and dealt with. So probably fits the morbid interest bit more but I did learn about wars and life in the war zones that I never knew.

    14. Kathenus*

      Failure is Not an Option by Gene Kranz – mission control for NASA through the most historic flights

    15. Anonymous Educator*

      The Secret History of Wonder Woman by Jill Lepore
      Brotopia by Emily Chang
      Algorithms of Oppression by Safiya Noble
      Weapons of Math Destruction: How Big Data Increases Inequality and Threatens Democracy by Cathy O’Neil
      Pretty Is What Changes: Impossible Choices, The Breast Cancer Gene, and How I Defied My Destiny by Jessica Queller

    16. Nicki Name*

      A Polar Affair: The lede is a Victorian-era coverup of gay penguins, but it’s more a chronicle of the polar expedition where the penguin study happened.

      1493: Uncovering the New World Columbus Created: At a high level it’s about the new patterns of trade created by the discovery of the Americas, but you get to meet a lot of interesting individuals along the way. Also plenty of morbid details. (1491, by the same author, is also terrific but much less with the narratives about specific people.)

      The Zookeepers’ War: The story of two dueling zoos in East and West Berlin during the Cold War. Fun animal facts, colorful personalities, Cold War intrigue.

    17. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I read last year “The Cadaver King and the Country Dentist” – I think it might even have been one of Alison’s recs? and then this past week I’ve been watching a docuseries about the Innocence Project, in which they touched on one of the bigger cases these two jackasses were involved in, so I think I’m going to reread it shortly.

      And the Band Played On by Randy Shilts – just how badly everyone in power handled the rising of the AIDS crisis, this is heartbreaking (the made-for-TV movie version has a SUPERSTAR cast and was one of the first mainstream Hollywood productions to address AIDS, along with Philadelphia)
      Rabid, by Bill Wasik – a history of the Rabies virus
      There’s a book called Quackery that I got for Christmas and recently read, it’s about ridiculous medical treatments throughout history.
      The Poisoner’s Handbook, by Deborah Blum – a history of forensic science and murder, mostly in NYC.
      Pretty much anything by Erik Larsen is good. Devil in the White City is one of his best known, but Thunderstruck was good too, In the Garden of Good and Evil, and I forget the name of it but his book about the sinking of the Lusitania.

      Other folks’ recs, I’ll second The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and Radium Girls for sure, as well as Emperor of All Maladies. Both the Laura Hillebrand books are good, though Unbroken is a bit of a trial if you’re sensitive. I think I’ve reread Gene Kranz’s “Failure is Not an Option” probably a half dozen times.

    18. Jess*

      The Butchering Art- it mixes a history and a bit of gruesomeness. It’s about medicine and surgery in Victorian times, and overthrowing miasma theory for germ theory.
      A few other randoms: Shadow Divers, about tech diving the discovery of a lost U Boat; Sting of the Wild: guy gets himself stung by a multitude of stinging and biting insects to classify the pain of a scale; A Death in the Rainforest: a chronicle of a dying language and its speakers in Palau New Guinea
      I’ll second the recs for The Gene and Emperors of all Maladies as well as The Spirit Catches You- all among my favorites.

    20. Carlottamousse*

      “The Woman Who Smashed Codes: A True Story of Love, Spies, and the Unlikely Heroine Who Outwitted America’s Enemies” by Jason Fagone. As someone who doesn’t read non-fiction very often, I found this was hard to put down and really well told.

    21. Skeeder Jones*

      A Woman In Berlin – the diary of a woman living in Berlin that covers the lasts days of WWII and the Russian Invasion of Berlin
      A Long Way Gone – memoir of a boy soldier in Sierra Leone and how he escaped that life
      Turning Stones – memoir of an emergency weekend caseworker in NY child services
      Not Even My Name – this tells about the author’s mother’s experience in the genocide of Pontic Greeks in Turkey, which was part of the larger genocide in Turkey post WWI
      A History of the World in 6 Glasses – really fascinating history of the world told in beverages (Beer, Wine, Spirits, Tea, Coffee, Soda)

    22. Nicki Name*

      Oh, just thought of another one! The Lost City of the Monkey God: an archaeological expedition, an actual lost city discovered (plus the history of everyone else who had tried to find it), and a fun tropical disease.

    23. Turtlewings*

      “Working Stiff” by Judy Melinek is the memoir of a rookie medical examiner in NYC — including through 9/11, though that doesn’t take over the book. I found it absolutely fascinating and definitely (literally) morbid! Slight warning in that Dr. Melinek has harsh anti-suicide sentiments (due to the suicide of her father) that might be painful to read for anyone who has been suicidal themselves.

    24. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Erik Larsen’s In the Garden of Beasts is the about the US ambassador to Germany (and his family) in the lead up to WWII. I just finished his new book, The Splendid and the Vile, which is about Churchill in WWII. Both are excellent.

      I also recommend anything by John Krakauer, but especially In Thin Air, his book on climbing Mt, Everest, and Under the Banner of Heaven, which is about murder and Mormon fundamentalists.

    25. Pam*

      I always love reading Ernie Pyle, an American journalist in the 1930’s and WW II. He was known for going around and talking to regular people. Kind if the Charles Kuralt of his time.

      He wrote once about being in London during the Blitz and hearing a fire truck, when there had been no bombing that day. He had forgotten that ordinary disasters still happened.

    26. Nancy*

      The Suspicions of Mr Whicher by Kate Summerscale. About a shocking Victorian murder and the police investigation.

    27. Koala dreams*

      Hostile Waters by Huchthausen, Kurdin and White is based on a true story, very suspenseful.

      Have you read Into Thin Air by Krakauer? If you haven’t it sounds like something for you.

  50. Nervous Nellie*

    Happy, positive stuff thread! Here are nice things that happened this week:

    1) At the end of a fruitless search for elastics for sewn masks in a big grocery/department store, I passed through Ladies Apparel on the way back to the grocery side and spotted 5-packs of undies on a rack. Hooray! Elastics on undies! I bought two XXL packs. My seam ripper and I got reacquainted while binge watching Seinfeld. Each pair yields about 8 masks’ worth of over-ear elastics. I am back in business making masks to order for my neighbors.

    2) I got a postcard from Audubon about a special ‘care package’ page they created to soothe & cheer us up – look for Joy of Birds on their site and you will find it.

    3) Worried that we might lose our post office, I ordered a USPS messenger bag online and mentioned it to a neighbor. His preteen son told me he wants to borrow it to go as a postman at Halloween. Something for us all to look forward to, in whatever way it can be celebrated at that time.

    4) On the subject of my mailman, he gave me the Vulcan Greeting yesterday and told me it is ‘the new shaking hands’. Love it!

    How are you all? What happy things occurred for you this week?

    1. nep*

      Looking at the Audubon site–thanks for that.
      Received a type-written letter from a long-time friend who’s crazy busy with his job and a snail mail letter would from him would never have happened without the lockdown. (But I fear for USPS collapse.)

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        An actual letter! Gosh. That is really cool.

        And yeah, USPS could be privatized if this continues. Every single country in the world has a functioning postal service – even N.Korea has one! I do hope that ours can be saved. I sure like my Vulcan mailman! :)

        1. Artemesia*

          It isn’t profitable to deliver mail to Outback Nowhere Nebraska but the post service is required to do it. If we privatize, everything becomes more expensive to subsidize Iowa and Nebraska and Montana or the government bails out the private service.

          Some people are suggesting this is a good time to buy a sheet or two of stamps — if everyone who cares did, it would go a long way to keeping them stable.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            That may indeed be happening. There is a banner on the USPS Store page that warns of shipping delays due to a high volume of orders. More good news. :)

    2. Llama Face!*

      1). One of the potted plants I’m growing flowered this week and I just noticed that another one is budding. I live in an area where there is still snow on the ground so signs of Spring are so nice!
      2). My parents delivered a care package of Easter turkey dinner and a week’s supply of Easter Buns (similar to paska and traditionally eaten with icing and multicoloured round sprinkles on top).
      3). Last night I discovered a wine bottle in my pantry had a little packet of parsley seeds attached so I planted them in a container and stuck them in my windowsill.
      4). A new FB recipe group I joined when it was just starting back in March now has over 10,000 members. It started locally but now I’m having fun exchanging cooking ideas and banter with people from all over. It has a really nice sense of community!

    3. Wired Wolf*

      I’ve been using the Vulcan greeting as well. Even more fun if I’m wearing my TOS Sciences uniform hoodie at the time…logic has returned to the neighborhood!

      For some reason I’m tempted to buy a kigurumi (learning toward fox or flying squirrel) for when the weather gets better and I can walk everywhere again…

    4. Retail not Retail*

      Not technically work related since it was after work BUT i had a battery backup for my phone and the park to myself (I really wonder if they don’t want to me to do this) so I took great pics, pet the goats, watched the animals watch me, and loaded up on pokemon go supplies. Priorities in order.

      My mom prefers to walk the dog in the fields behind the house but they’re a mudpit right now. Bella wouldn’t mind! I came home Thursday to the two of them walking in the neighborhood. Bella finally caught a mole, whoops. She also bossed my mom around entirely on the walk. I’m so happy because my mom is getting stir crazy.

    5. A Frayed Knot*

      That’s a clever way of getting elastic! I found some on Ebay that came relatively quickly. It was about $1/yard, though. Definitely not cheap!

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        $1 a yard might not be too bad. The undies were a store brand 5-pack for $14.00, so I spent $28.00 on the 2 packs. But to get roughly 8 masks per undie means I got 80 masks’ worth for $28.00 (and for several hours ripping them apart). I am ok with that because none of my neighbors wanted ties. Each mask needed two pieces, each 6.5 to 7.5 inches in length. I say get ’em where you can. It may be the norm to wear masks for quite a while, so having & sharing more is a good thing. Yay about Etsy!

    6. bunniferous*

      I became a grandma for the 6th time! Healthy baby girl and healthy mama. This is number 4 for my son and his wife.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I saw a report on a German TV show (Galileo on Pro 7) from a German lingerie manufacturer who had moved their production to making face masks.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          That is great news! I wonder if the US ones could be persuaded to do the same.

          I am on such a Star Trek kick that I read your note and thought you were referring to the Galileo 7 shuttlecraft that crashed on a dangerous planet. It’s ok – Spock got them out of that. :)

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        It sure can! I cut up the undies fabrics for the center lining of the masks. Sure wasn’t going to waste it. The masks came out great. Heavy white quilter cotton on the outside, and undies inside, and undies elastics outside. Tres chic! :) I carefully chose packs of whites/neutrals so that nobody was the wiser. Hot pink stretch lace mighta been a giveaway…..

  51. Anon and alone*

    ******************
    Happy Birthday
    ******************

    To all those who celebrate a birthday the week of April 19 to April 25, may you have a nice day, with those you love and who love you, both human and non-human, virtually or in person. May you enjoy the foods and drinks you like (and dance a little, if you’re so inclined). No matter how you’re celebrating, know that there are those out here who also wish you a Happy Birthday.

    Until next week.

    1. Jessen*

      Semi-positive note: I’m kind of loving that coronavirus means I’m free from the family expectations of what I’m supposed to do for my birthday. Because my parents still can’t figure out why I don’t want to come over for dinner.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I’ll be spending my birthday alone this year, which is fine, but I usually drive 2 hours to spend it with my family. Today my sister rang said she’d send a card (we don’t do the sort of gifts that can be sent) so I asked her to include a scratchcard. It would be quite nice to end lockdown a little richer than I started…..

        1. Jessen*

          I haven’t even given my immediate family my current address. My mother used my last one to threaten to call the police on me because I wasn’t responding to her enough. Still hasn’t figured out why I don’t want to have a nice birthday dinner at my parents’ house. It’s usually a giant firestorm where I end up spending the day with the curtains drawn and the lights off to try to hide from any surprise visits.

  52. BuyingAHome*

    First, I meant to reply to all of the comments last weekend but things got hectic. Thank you all for your congratulations and positive comments!

    Update: Home inspection went well. There are no major issues (I would hope not because the home is less than 10 years old) and nothing we need to ask the buyers to fix. The lender is working on the paperwork now, and hopefully the bank appraisal comes back on target. If everything works out then my husband and I will be homeowners!

    Congratulations to everyone else who is buying a home!

    2. Anono-me*

      Congratulations.

      If you haven’t already, please look into a home repair insurance policy. (They work kind of like an extended warranty on a vehicle.) They are usually super cheap the first year, IF you add it when you buy the house.

        1. Anono-me*

          Your real estate agent should be able to help you. (Our agent sold us ours.)

          But you’ll probably want to re-evaluate in just under a year as to whether or not you want to continue, because the price can really jump year two.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      Congrats and good luck! We’re browsing online listings and I have one we want to see in person, maybe in May.

  53. Bibliovore*

    Sanity check please. I have not read a book in 6 weeks. My TBR pile is enormous. I have 5 bags of galleys for spring and summer titles. I cannot get past the first few pages. And no Netflix etc. cannot focus. Spend my free time on prep for classes ( teaching) updating a resource page for home learning. AAM. Phone called with family and friends.

    Anyone else have this issue?

    1. Bibliovore*

      Oh and news. The governors press conference. Slate, NYTimes, Washington Post. Star Tribune, Wall Street Journal. Mr. Bibliovore is in charge of TV News and will interpret the highlights over meals. Otherwise we are distanced.

      And cook books although every meal is an episode of chopped.

      We have cabbage, potatoes, left over sloppy joe and four slices of bread . What’s for dinner? Oh and three cans of sardines.

      1. Artemesia*

        I still am not sure everything does not fall apart in the food supply so we are not touching our hoard i.e. canned goods and freezer and eating on deliveries by Instacart every other week. Today I am doing a curbside pickup of meat at the local fancy butcher, partly to help keep them in business and partly because it is my SIL’s birthday and I want to give him a really nice steak. We are eating well but from a well planned grocery list for Instacart every two weeks and making sure we have the back up food for when thinks get even worse. We have a small place and usually don’t eat canned goods, so we don’t have many but stocked up a few and dried beans and rice and crushed tomatoes etc. We want to be sure that if the supply chain is seriously disrupted we have food.

    2. Misty*

      Yes. I can barely focus on anything. I have a hard time focusing on classwork, netflix, reading, etc.

    3. Lost in the Woods*

      My focus is totally shot. I can barely do anything for more than 10-15 minutes before I feel like I need a break.

    4. Parenthetically*

      1000%

      Inability to settle to things is almost always one of my first (and is one of my most lingering) anxiety symptoms.

    5. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Yes, I had several good books checked out (digitally) that I just couldn’t get through. I’ve gone back to re-reading favorites since they require less concentration. At the beginning of this, I thought it may be a good time to get some projects done – but nope, it’s not happening. My concentration is shot, my motivation is completely gone, and I am just doing the bare minimum each day.

      All the above even though I live in an area that is not hard hit, none of my family or friends is ill, my family is all work/study from home (not unemployed or essential workers). The anxiety and isolation is still really impacting me.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I’m going in spurts, but yes, only comforting re-reads are happening over here. Harry Potter and the Wimsey books are about all I can take. I may pick up the next in a series I’m reading since it has familiar characters.

        1. Artemesia*

          I am a reader and am having the same problem — now mostly doing mysteries and such and having trouble with more serious fare. My bandwidth is about the level of watching Midsomer Murders or Brokenwood Mysteries on TV after dinner.

          1. Clisby*

            Oh, Midsomer and Brokenwood are both good (especially Midsomer with Barnaby #1). Another really good series Foyle’s War.

    6. fposte*

      I don’t know that it helps, Bibliovore, but a number of those will be delayed to fall anyway. Pub dates are a moving target right now.

      I read what I have to for work, which is quantifiable, and then I read the internet, or, more often, watch the internet/Netflix. I have no pleasure reading energy.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I am not worrying about review due-dates because of postponements etc. I am trying to highlight the Spring pubs as those books need as much help because of canceled publicity, cancelled conferences and book tours and school visits. The books are already in the independents who could use the money. After that given the state of publishing, paper, printing etc who knows.
        Hearing from you always helps.
        Nice to know that this “not reading’ might not be a forever thing.

    8. Colette*

      I didn’t read for the first month. (I normally read at least one book a week.) But that seems to have passed – I read 3 books this week.

    9. Might be Spam*

      I’m having a hard finishing books even from my favorite authors. I didn’t realize that it was a symptom of anxiety. It’s kind of a relief to know that. Normally I’m a voracious reader and couldn’t understand why I can’t finish my books.

    10. LQ*

      I went through this for a while and kind of sunk into no reading, no consumption, no podcasts, nothing nothing. But I’ve shifted a bit out and now I’ve picked up and read something like 4 books (all very short) this week, and I don’t have a lot of time, but it’s been 100% of my not work hours basically. Screw eating, I’m going to go crawl into bed and read. Screw laundry, bed to read it is. Dishes? Well only because I can kind of read and do dishes a little half-heartedly and I really really was out of plates. But after I washed 2 it was back to reading.

      It’s all super escapist no surprises no complex anything reading. I want a book where I can guess every single beat and nothing is “gripping” or “spellbinding”. But that rhythm of the book came back to me. I fully expect I’ll drop off again shortly, so I’m letting myself go all in whatever 100 pages of KU “same old protagonist, same old story” books I can find.

    11. Policy wonk*

      I am the same way. I bought a bunch of books to keep me sane, and just look at them. I am very grateful for AAM – it gives me a sense of community. I have tried to read by doing one chapter a day (though it doesn’t always work and I have to read the same chapter 2-3 times before I get it). Hubby presses me to go out for a daily walk, which also helps. But I hate this whole thing. I get why it’s necessary, and I’m doing it, but I hate it.

    12. Improbably Bob*

      Yep, same. I might normally read 5-7 books a week but I’ve read 3 books in the last month (and pretty light-hearted, quick reads at that).

      I was similar in the aftermath of a pretty serious local earthquake back in 2011. I remember it took me 3 weeks to read even one book. After a few weeks my focus slowly started to return and I was back to normal within 2 months. So don’t worry, it’ll come back.

    13. OtterB*

      Yes. I am not even doing very well with old standby comfort reads. My TBR pile is much bigger than usual and I can’t get myself to start any of them. And reading has been my favorite activity for 50+ years.

    14. Quandong*

      Yes, I have this issue. My focus and memory are not functioning the way they did before, and I need to manage my attention and triple-check important emails before sending them.

      It’s very similar to my experience of the first few days after undergoing a general anaesthetic for surgery + taking painkillers. I won’t be adding to my TBR pile for a long, long time!

  54. MoopySwarpet*

    I’ve been seeing a lot of people on social media sharing their senior picture “in solidarity” of graduating seniors who are basically missing out on all the general senior and graduation festivities. I personally feel like this is a little tone-deaf “Hey, look at my picture from one of the biggest events in my life. Sorry you don’t get to have yours.”

    Any graduating seniors on here (or parents of) care to share how real life seniors feel about this trend?

    1. Marnie Montaigne*

      My daughter is a HS senior. It doesn’t really bother her; she likes seeing my friends and her friends’ parents when they were her age…especially the hairstyles. Senior pictures aren’t really a graduation thing; most kids had them taken last summer or fall. The old photos are a reminder that this, too, shall pass.

      1. MoopySwarpet*

        The clothes/hairstyles are definitely entertaining. Especially compared to how the same people style themselves now.

        I realize most senior picture have mostly already happened, but the posts I’ve seen are calling out the lack of graduation as the reason to share.

    2. Meep*

      I’m a high school senior this year, and I despise this trend. My school actually has a poll group on Facebook, and on the poll I asked if any felt supported by this, and only one person (out of hundreds) said yes, and she explained that it was more that she appreciated the effort than the actual trend itself (like it’s better than the people saying we shouldn’t complain since people are dying). I also agree that some people are doing it with good intentions, but the results are neutral at best and hurtful to many. I cannot personally see those posts without thinking “great, you had a graduation, let me have mine” even though that’s not possible right now. It also comes across as just a reason for some older folks to post “look how hot I was back in the day” which again, provides me with zero supportive feelings.

      1. MoopySwarpet*

        Thanks for your perspective. It really sucks that you’re not able to have the traditional graduation. What would be a good way to support seniors?

        People saying you shouldn’t complain are jerks. Just because it’s worse for others doesn’t mean it’s not hard for you. It’s ok for YOUR biggest difficulty/complaint to be you don’t get graduation, prom, etc. There will always be a “bigger” problem out there. That doesn’t mean your problem isn’t valid.

        1. Meep*

          Personally, I’ve appreciated other things, like there’s a house in my neighborhood with a sign just saying “congrats class of 2020!” And there have been some sweet letters/opinion pieces from people that have been widely shared that were very kindly written. Also, I’m not a huge fan of people talking about “virtual graduation” ideas as if they’re an adequate substitute, so just acknowledging that things aren’t fair right now without saying “well life is never fair” is best.

          1. MoopySwarpet*

            C……………………………………S
            ..O………………………………N…
            …..N…………………………O……
            ……..G…………………….I……….
            …………R………………T…………
            ……………A…………A……………
            ………………T..U..L………………
            …………………..2………………….
            …………………..0………………….
            …………………..2…………………..
            …………………..0…………………..
            ………………!!!!!!!!!!………………

            And especially to you, Meep. I hope great things are in store for you and your friends.

    3. lazy intellectual*

      I’m super skeptical of “solidarity” social media trends that are really a veiled excuse for people getting to post pictures of themselves. Like, if you just want to post a picture of yourself from back in the day, just do it. Don’t pretend like you are doing it “for” people. It reminds me of how a few years back, people started posting “no makeup” selfies “in support” of people with cancer. The supposed attention was to “raise awareness” to get people to donate to a link, but obviously, 90% of the people doing it just did it to show off how hot they looked sans makeup with no mention of donating. Several cancer patients commented that these pictures actually made them feel worse, since they probably didn’t look as healthy as the people posting the selfies.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I thought so, but I didn’t say anything. However, your year of graduation and the high school you graduated from can be used as security questions on some (crappy) websites, so the trend of including that info makes me wonder if it was a scam.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        OMG I would never have thought of this!

        I never answer security questions like that, though. 99% of “security questions” can be easily found from a simple Google search (Where were you born? What is your mother’s maiden name?”) Please..

    5. Jdc*

      I really never think graduating HS is as much if a big deal as we make anyway. Doesn’t take much more than showing up these days. I don’t see any need for celebrating this at all. I can assure you the only thing that will excite me kid about graduating is thinking he now gets to be an adult and do as he pleases. Ahh how reality hitting will suck.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        For some students, it is still a pretty big accomplishment. I know around here grad rates are usually somewhere around 70-ish%, which definitely implies that not everyone makes it through to graduation.

        Even if everyone graduated, it still marks a major transition in someone’s life. For a lot of kids, they went to their “default” high school and this is the last time that they’ll be in a situation where the group of people they grew up with is all doing the same thing at the same time. After high school everyone scatters to college and jobs, and you never really have a “cohort” like you did in k12 again. I bounced around to various alternative schools rather than going to my neighborhood high school, but freshman year of college was still the first time that I went to a new school and knew *nobody* there from my previous school.

  55. Artemesia*

    I have run through most of my guilty pleasure TV and am looking for more. I find murder/detective mystery shows the right level of engaging and mindless pleasure right now and have already watched Midsomer Murders, Endeavour, Morse and the Lewis that is available.

    I rent one new channel at a time. I have cancelled Britbox end of April and added Acorn. On Acorn there are two series we really like:
    Balthazar is a French show featuring a forensic pathologist — English subtitles — very popular in France and we are enjoying it.
    Brokenwood Mysteries is a police procedural set in New Zealand and reminds me of Midsomer in the complexity of the stories.

    2. Analyst Editor*

      Rumpole of the Bailey? I love that show, and how he quotes British poetry in particular.

      1. WellRed*

        Oh, i liked scott and Bailey, not sure if that’s moved to Acorn yet, also Blue Murder, which I believe IS on Acorn now.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Yeah! Another Morse and Lewis fan!! *agressivly high fives from a safe distance*
      Can I suggest Swedish mystery shows? Wallander and Arne Dahl, for example.

    5. WellRed*

      On Acorn, I really liked Hidden (the mystery set in Wales, there’s a completely different show with the same name). I also liked Keeping Faith.

    7. Pharmgirl*

      I don’t have Acorn so no recommendations for that – but if you ever get Apple TV in the future I really enjoyed Home Before Dark – small town mystery series.

    8. Lyra*

      We have similar tastes! I also really enjoyed the Miss Marple series on Acorn. The stories are changed slightly from the books, which some people find annoying, but I like that I don’t immediately know who the murderer is if I’ve read the story before.

    9. KiwiApple*

      New Tricks might fit the bill. Vera too perhaps. Or Rosemary and Thyme.
      Spiral/Engreneges is a favourite of mine (French) as is The Bridge (Swedish/Danish) – there was also a US(?) and UK version (with France, The Tunnel).

    10. Chaordic One*

      There’s a local channel that broadcasts over the air that I get that shows European TV shows with subtitles. Two that stand out for me are “Don Matteo” (sort of an Italian “Father Brown” set in Northern Italy) and “Montalbano” (a Sicilian police detective).

      I also like “The Doctor Blake Mysteries” set in 1950s Australia and “The Frankie Drake Mysteries” set in 1920s Toronto, Canada.

    11. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Try “My Life is Murder” starring Lucy Lawless, set in New Zealand. Quirky and fun. It is on Acorn.

  56. Lcsa99*

    So I went outside for the first time since March 13 and I think I felt a little bit of agoraphobia. Very anxious with a tiny feeling of panic in my chest and stomach. I don’t want to make it sound like more than it was, because it was very mild but it has me concerned. It probably didn’t help that I went out for a dentist appointment and he told me that I had to come back to have a cavity filled and maybe a root canal. I don’t do great with the dentist on a normal day. But I am worried that when this is all said and done I’ll have a hard time going back to my normal routine.

    1. fposte*

      Yes, I’ve been thinking that. It’s a reason why I make a point of getting outside to walk every day (I don’t live in a crowded area so I’m never near anybody); even there I stay close to home, which doesn’t really mean anything epidemiologically, but since I’m doing it to lessen stress I’ll do the way that’s less stressful.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      Yes, I know what you mean. I go outside each day to walk the dog and we have done 2 grocery runs (1 for us and 1 for parents) but I struggle to imagine going back to work. We’re in a semi rural area and I can’t picture going into the “city” (pop 19000) to shop and work.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think some worry is normal after this experience. I think that repetition will help, after going to work each day for a few times, the new normal will start to make more sense.
      We have lost trust in our environment. We no longer readily believe we are safe outside. It may take a moment or more to feel that sense of stability and consistency begin to come back.
      I do think that letting our concerns keep us cautious is a GOOD plan. Inching ahead in a cautious and thinking manner would actually be wise. Going back to work does not mean we “have to” throw all caution away. I am a fan of acknowledging what worries us and taking some extra assistance steps to help ourselves through what we need to do.

      1. A New Normal*

        This. I have nooooo agoraphobia but my first time out after quarantine started decidedly raised my blood pressure. It makes sense – the outside is dangerous now and since the threat is invisible, our brains are going to be on extra-high alert. But fortunately our brains are also wired to become a little complacent with familiarity so if you get out regularly to low-risk areas (just walking to the end of the block or whatever) then your brain should settle down.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Same happened to me! I think it’s normal, given the circumstances.
      I drove the car for the first time in weeks to get groceries. It took a lot of self-peptalk to get to the store.
      Sending extra good wishes for y’all to get through this!

  57. Aurora Leigh*

    What are some things that pre-pandemic would have seemed really strange to you, but are now normal?

    We live in a small (pop 600) town on a street that almost never has foot traffic. Yesterday the dog started barking like crazy because a man was walking down the street. Would have been weird a few weeks ago . . . . But now plenty of people are bored and walking more.

    Also masks . . . We went to dollar general in fabric masks and no one looked at us strangely! (The dog is still freaked out by masked people though lol).

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’m pretty much an introvert and I hate crowds (took the boys to Brookfield Zoo once and damned near had a panic attack in the gift shop because it went from just the three of us to jam-packed almost instantly). But I am really missing being around other people. Even to just go sit at a bar and have a drink by myself while it slowly fills up with people is something I would look forward to.

      Going for a walk and constantly looking behind me, Walking Dead style, to make sure a runner or someone on a bike isn’t coming up behind me. (Why do these people never wear masks?)

      Stripping to my skivvies in the bedroom so I can put on my outdoor clothes by the front door, and then doing the reverse when I come back in.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        My laundry load has increased fivefold because I don’t repeat clothes I wear outside the house. I strip down as soon as I get into my front door (which…if my window happens to be open, my neighbors in the other building could probably see me oops), and I dump it in the washing machine.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          This would probably be me in my old apartment, which had a washer and dryer.

          The laundry room in this building is a hot mess at the best of times (Honestly, can you really NOT remember to empty the lint filter?) and I haven’t been using it. I have been washing a lot by hand in the bathtub, which is not ideal. I have a garbage bag full of outside clothes by the front door that will someday get washed, but not today.

      2. Llama Face!*

        “Going for a walk and constantly looking behind me, Walking Dead style, to make sure a runner or someone on a bike isn’t coming up behind me. (Why do these people never wear masks?)”

        Haha foraging in a zombie apocalypse is exactly what it feels like! And those personal distance non-respecting bikers and joggers are currently my archenemies. For crying out loud how hard is it to do a half circle around or even just yell “coming up on the left” so I can move a safe distance away?

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          Seriously. When I see someone walking up to the same intersection as me, I stop about thirty feet back (more on a windy day). They look at me and smile, I look at them and smile back, but they can’t tell because I’m wearing a mask and then I remember I have to wave.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, I keep running into that “Wait, it’s pointless to smile” thing too; it really makes it clear how much I rely on a smile for social messaging. I do rather enjoy the gentle curves people politely make around each other. It’s sort of like a ballet.

            1. Jedi Squirrel*

              Ballet! I love that metaphor, although in my version, it’s more like running wildly in another direction with arms flailing.

          2. Llama Face!*

            Haha, I am an extremely squinty-eyed smiler (always get the accusation that my eyes are closed in pics- they aren’t, my cheeks are just hiding them) so I figure people can probably still tell I’m smiling!

        2. Wishing You Well*

          “Walkers!” is my new warning to hubby that we need to cross the street or wait until they pass.
          We feel like Rick and Daryl!

        3. Elenna*

          Ugh, yeah. I haven’t been wearing a mask while jogging because I’m worried it would just make me incapable of getting enough oxygen (since I’m breathing somewhat heavily), but I definitely do the half circle and/or stop before the intersection if necessary. The streets around here are so empty, it’s not exactly hard to move over to the edge of the street to pass people.

      3. Melody Pond*

        Going for a walk and constantly looking behind me, Walking Dead style, to make sure a runner or someone on a bike isn’t coming up behind me. (Why do these people never wear masks?)

        Wait, who on a bike is coming close enough to you that you’d need to step away?!

        I’ve been going for bike rides around my suburban neighborhood, and I don’t wear a mask to do it – but from a bike it’s really easy to stay minimum 10 feet away from anyone I encounter.

    2. lazy intellectual*

      Walking around with socks, pillowcases, and scarves wrapped around my face. (I finally broke down and ordered some proper masks.)

    3. Llama Face!*

      Spraying the washer and dryer with bleach solution after using them to make them safe for the other people who share the laundry room.

      Walking waaay out of the way when passing people in my neighbourhood and getting smiled at/thanked for doing it.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Los Angeles having the cleanest air of any major city in the world? Being able to drive from one side of LA county to the other in only 20 minutes.

    5. MissDisplaced*

      Masks: Not generally worn here in the US. Used to be a sign of robbery or thieves. Wearing them is weird because you can’t read people’s facial expressions.

      Traffic / Noise: If you do have to drive, traffic is minimal. Ditto with noise pollution.

      Money: People do NOT want paper money or coins at stores or restaurants. I had to pay for my takeout over the phone and then pick up. Normally I would have paid in cash at many small local places. Indeed, a few ONLY used to take cash.

      Touching things: I love to shop, and touch things like clothing, or looking at packages or trying samples was the norm. Not anymore. Going grocery shopping feels scary and shopping is no longer a pleasure.

      Dressing up: I’m a bit of a clothes horse and have a lot of cute shoes and outfits. And while I’d always liked the WFH thing, I admit I really miss wearing my clothes and makeup and shoes SOMEWHERE.

    7. Drama Llama*

      I also live in a remote, rural town. If I don’t know someone, odds are I know someone who does know them. There are always people out and about. My son rushed off to school once pre-pandemic and forgot to wear his helmet. I had two people let me know they saw him riding his bike without the helmet. As a result, I have allowed my kids a lot of independence in terms of riding their bikes and meeting with friends, as do many other parents.

      Lately, people have been following isolation guidelines and staying home apart from exercise and grocery shopping. The town is dead and a scum is taking advantage of the lack of eyes about. There have been two attempts to grab kids out exercising in the past week, one just around the corner from me. This is unheard of in our town. So far, they remain unsuccessful but I have had to restrict my kids’ independence. They have to take the dog or an adult with them. The dog is fairly useless but she is big so I don’t think anyone would try messing with her. Even so, I have also taken to stalking them from a distance where they can’t see me. I daresay I look like the local crazy lady though and it turns out I am not very good at it. My son came home, rolled his eyes and informed me that he saw me following him. I am not sure what else to do though. Any ideas for encouraging independence while keeping kids safe are welcome.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Using clean rags for Number One. Toilet paper is reserved for Number Two.

      Changing an entire menu if we are missing an ingredient.

      Automatically rotating deliveries and mail through the garage on a four-day cycle.

      Zoom cocktails.

      Greeting people by exchanging a list of items that we have in stock for gifting or trading.

  58. KoiFeeder*

    For once in my stupid life, I’d like my brain to have a normal anxiety dream. You know, forgetting the math test and the pants. Normal things to be afraid about.

    But in good news, Cold Stone delivers chocolate devotion now so I have like four cases of ice cream now, and I’m finally a semi-functional human being again. And my PCP is trying to swing me a CPAP despite not having gotten the sleep study after my sleep apnea and sleep paralysis got the wires crossed and nearly suffocated me, which is nice. So fingers crossed that I’ll actually get that.

    1. Misty*

      Cold Stone delivers? That’s the ice cream place that mixes the ice cream with toppings right? There’s none near me but I went to one once and I remember it being good.

      Keeping my fingers crossed for you this week <3 Stay well

    2. Fikly*

      I really hope you can get that CPAP!

      I ended up going 6 weeks before getting mine after the sleep study because of insurance nonsense, and I have never been so terrified to sleep in my life.

      YMMV, but my sleep paralysis completely disappeared with the CPAP.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        The good news is that that incident was the first time anything like that has happened to me, ever, so it’s probably a one-off. But it still scared me and my doc half to death that it happened at all, so my PCP is doing her best to bully my insurance into signing off on it.

        My PCP told me that the “body keeps falling asleep before my brain/not waking up with my brain” was almost certainly strongly related to the sleep apnea, and should go away once I get my horrible little hands on a CPAP. And if it doesn’t go away, there’s the possibility that I might have narcolepsy, and she’s got a plan for that as well.

  59. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Anyone else feeling ….b lah?

    I’ve been feeling a little blah lately. 35 days and counting and I haven’t really done much.

    I’ve settled into a routine – wake up around 10-11am, breakfast/lunch at 12 PM and dinner with husband at 6. The 5 hours in between are to be filled with 1 “work” thing and 1 creative thing. After dinner is a project (organizing the pix on my laptop for example, or a work related project etc) and lounging with husband. Go to bed at 12 and stay on my phone til 1-2 am.

    I’m down to eating once a day because I just don’t feel like going downstairs to make a meal. Not sure if it’s part laziness or despondency. Haven’t been on any walks despite telling myself to GO because…I’m lazy and a little scared. I bought watercolors and coloring/activity books but they sit unopened. I haven’t touched any makeup or done any of the “self care” I had dreamed of doing when I’d be jobless and at home, like doing a facial, practicing/playing with my makeup etc. I have a lot of things to do to pass the time but…I just don’t do them. My pregnancy is my bright spot in all of this, but even that is wrought with so much fear and anxiety. 

    I’m feeling like that meme that everyone here hates, “if you don’t come out of this with a skill or a hustle, you’ve failed.” Like….I’m not working, I lost my job due to this so I have endless free time to cultivate hobbies, cook new dishes etc and be better.

    So far, the only productive things I’ve done are: 

    -make lasagna from scratch. Couldn’t find the pre made lasagna sheets in teh store so I got to googling/youtube, and made a dough. (me! I made dough!) and made lasagna. >>> ok I’m actually proud of that lol.
    -clean out the spare room which is going to be a baby room eventually. I spend about 3 weekends a year in April/May cleaning it out, abandon it come summertime and fall, and then it turns into a big mess again by April. Gone on 5 years now with this cycle.  
    -finished a book (Little Fires Everywhere).

    1. fposte*

      Clearly I am doing something right because I have never until now seen “if you don’t come out of this with a skill or a hustle, you’ve failed.” Like there’s not enough stress already so we apparently have to optimize our quarantines? Yuck, no.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        It was a tweet, and I thought I saw it mentioned here in past discussions but it basically says:

        If you don’t come out of this quarantine with either:

        1.) a new skill
        2.) starting what you’ve been putting off like a new business
        3.) more knowledge

        You didn’t ever lack the time, you lacked the discipline

        —-

        To me that basically means if you don’t come out of this quarantine having done something, you’ve failed.

        Thankfully it seems like a lot of people disagree with this on here and on social media. I’ll post the link below.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Yeah that’s so gross and I’m glad most people in my circles are snorting about it. “If you aren’t EVEN MORE PRODUCTIVE during a months-long episode of collective trauma, you’re a failure”?! F*ck off, Twitter rando who thinks this is healthy!

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            its the weirdos who don’t believe in mental issues or trauma. or think that all of us stuck at home with internet are living in lap of luxury and have nothing to be upset about.

        3. AnotherAlison*

          Who ever said that must have one of those nonessential work from home/get paid/but not actually have work to do jobs and no kids, SO, or other family, AND the mental toughness of Victor Frankl.

          I am grouchy because I should have more time to do stuff and I am not completely unmotivated (most days) but my free time was filled with home schooling and cooking for 4. If all you can do is get by, that’s enough.

        4. Ranon*

          What is this extra time and where can I get some? We’ve added 45+ hours of childcare per week to our household workload, plus every necessary chore outside the house takes twice as long (and don’t even get me started on the logistics planning to pull off extended time between grocery trips) and since our commutes doubled as exercise time no time savings there…

          You have a whole clean room and lasagna, that sounds wonderful! Please do go outside, our houses weren’t designed for us to be in them 24/7, daylight and outside air are really important to your health, mental and physical!

          1. Ranon*

            Also you’re growing an entire new human being! And a new organ! That’s so much. You’re doing great.

          2. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I mean, this is my first baby, and I lost my job at the start of quarantine, I’d love to have my old job back and some semblance of stability.. I have nothing but time. Grocery shopping is a biweekly military operation. sigh.

        5. Carlottamousse*

          I also hate that post going around. In my social media feeds, now, there’s a lot of backlash against that specific one with empathy for trying to survive the pandemic and quarantines as best we can and not to add burdensome guilt on top of it. Everyone is struggling to deal with this situation in one way or another, and people spreading that guilt-inducing post need to chill out.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            The first time I saw that post was posted by a friend who’s otherwise reasonable and someone I get along very well with. Some comments agreed with him, and I said “or they could be using this time as a reset or pause from being so burned out.” … I could say that I’ve been catching up on 4-5 years of sleep.

        6. Alexandra Lynch*

          Oh, such crap.
          There are three of us, each of us with some pretty severe mental illnesses. We were in the middle of selling our house, buying another house, and moving.

          If I can get us through this with everyone still in love with each other, no one in a locked ward, and the move accomplished with some modicum of organization, I’ll call it good. And to hell with anyone who says that I have to do better every day.

          I think I will schedule one day a week to slack off. That day is devoted to playing ARK:Survival Evolved, to reading all the formulaic Regency romances I can get my hands on, and to just Not Thinking About What’s Going On Out There.

      4. London Calling*

        Would love to come out of this with a skill but WFH from 8am is rather killing that idea. And when I log off at 5 all I want to do is stare into space for an hour, eat and go to bed, which is what I’m doing. Even reading is stuff I pretty much know by heart so I don’t have to concentrate.

    2. Carlottamousse*

      Congrats on making lasagna from scratch! I’ve done similarly with tiramisu when I couldn’t find ladyfingers, and it’s nice to be proud of these victories. We also just cleaned (mostly) out the future nursery, with a really similar previous purging cycle as you ha. Separately, I’ve talked with my parents about this, too, and it’s somewhat surprising how easy it is to pass the time not doing things you think you ought to be doing. I’m somewhat of a paper hoarder and keep thinking I’ll go through them all and sort stuff out and organize it. I only started doing that in week 4 of the quarantine and spent maybe an hour doing that. I also love photography and have lots of family photos I want to print/make photobooks of and keep thinking I’ll tackle that. And I haven’t really. Even though that’s actually something I enjoy! I’ve even been reading less during this quarantine even though I’ve been pretty consistently addicted to library e-books for several years. I just, haven’t felt like my usual escape of reading (trashy) romance novels works the same during this time to distract me. Anyways, all to say is, it’s okay to relax and take care of yourself. No need to add more pressure to do ALL the things ALL the time. Especially when pregnant. There’s enough worry to be had being pregnant during a pandemic as it is. Hang in there!

    3. Bibliovore*

      OKAY that’s it! Enough already. We are experiencing trauma. We are grieving. Some are suffering more than others. Some are without food. Some are without medical care. People are dying alone. In hospital beds. In apartments. I just heard of two people that I know who died alone and no one discovered them for days. People with underlying conditions are not over reacting. We are doing the best we can and if that just means getting out of bed in the morning. Dayenu. It is enough. If you are responsible for other people, what ever you do is enough.
      That said. I found this helpful. https://forge.medium.com/to-survive-the-quarantine-change-your-metrics-e345d79be14b

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thank you, I want to use this response to every stupid online comment I see about “hustling” in this time.

        1. Blueberry*

          You totally should. And as others said, you in specific are really busy right now — you are constructing a new human inside yourself. Even if it weren’t a pandemic I’d be encouraging you to take it easy.

  60. cats with different diets*

    My youngest kitten (5 months) was diagnosed with a congenital issue and needs a specialized diet. I have 2 young adult cats also. Any ideas how to keep their food separate? In particular the kitten should not eat the other cats’ food. As a temporary measure, I can feed the adult ones on my kitchen counter but eventually the kitten will be able to jump up there too so I need to find a more permanent solution (plus I’d rather not have them eating on the counter!). Any ideas?

    1. fposte*

      There are the microchip-sensitive feeders that only open for the right cat. You still have to keep an eye on cats who’ve figured out how to shove their heads in alongside their siblings, but it gives the slower ones a fighting chance.

      1. Runaway Shinobi*

        We use one of those for the cat that isn’t on a diet. It works really well and you can set how long it takes to close so the other cat can’t eat the food. You need to do some training to start, but it’s well worth it.

      2. Schmitt*

        Yep. We have the SureFeed ones. You can have multiple cats registered to one feeder – in our four cat household we went with one for the “normal” cats and one for the special diet. When one of the normal cats also needed a different special diet we ended up with one each on the microchip feeders and an intelligence feeder toy for the “normal” ones but I only recommend that if you are very sure your dumb special needs cat isn’t just lazy (turns out she, um, is very sweet but five eggs short of a dozen).

        We are now a two cat household due to cat bullying which also means we have a microchip cat door into the bathroom, and we do wet food for one cat in there, and wet food for the special diet in the hallway because the normal diet cat won’t eat it. Just be prepared to keep an eye on things and change it up when necessary.

        Oh! The microchip door or feeder, don’t remember which, also came with microchips that you can attach to a collar, if you don’t have or want microchipped cats.

    2. cat socks*

      My five cats have scheduled feeding times in the morning and evening. One is on a special diet for allergies. I put him in the pantry and close the door. Luckily he is a slow eater so after the others inhale their food, I’m able to clear the bowls and let him out.

      I also have an enclosed playpen that I will set outside on the deck when the weather is warm. I considered using that to keep the one kitty separate while he eats, but the pantry works for now.

  61. Artemesia*

    For those of you with small businesses who got stiffed in the small business support program that mostly went to Shake Shack and Ruth’s Chris and other big businesses that saw a good grift when it appeared. My daughter works for a small business and they did get the money on the day it ran out; she says that the key was her boss has a long term relationship with a community bank and so worked with them immediately to get their ducks in a row and get the request submitted. They still squeaked by — but they got the money and it will mean that there is a good chance they won’t be doing any layoffs as some of their clients suddenly can’t pay for contracted work. So for the next round, if you don’t have a bank relationship now is probably the time to do your best to remedy that. The program has been scandalously inadequate and of course the usual suspects and cronies were at the trough ahead of small businesses actually impacted in hard hit states like mine.

    1. ThatGirl*

      my FIL owns a small business and is unclear on whether they’re getting the $$ or not. His business counts as essential but it’s still way down and he doesn’t want to lay his guys off. We’re hoping to hear soon.

    2. WineNot*

      My dad owns a very essential trucking business that has hands in every industry possible. Weeks ago, he worked so hard to have everything ready for his bank the second he was able to submit, then he couldn’t submit it because the portal wasn’t working. He has (apparently had, now) a great relationship with his bank. Hours later after trying hundreds of times, he finally got it submitted and the bank approved and confirmed. Then earlier this week he was told that the government ran out of money before they could process him. Because the bank took so long to process it all. I feel TERRIBLE for him. He had to furlough his first employees yesterday and is just in a perpetual state of stress. I hope they come up with more money so he can get what he deserves and needs.

  62. I need more B99*

    Any tv recs that is funny like Brooklyn 99? I’ve tried Community (could not get into it), The Office (Michael Scott is everything i hate in a manager), Schitts creek (i love it but I can only watch it so many times), Parks and Rec (I’ve watched this so many times)…

    2. Misty*

      I’ve enjoyed New Girl, Kim’s Convenience, Great News, and this random six episode show called Crashing. I used to watch the Good Place but recently I tried to rewatch it and couldn’t stand it. Those are all on netflix. I like The Mindy Project which is on hulu.

      They aren’t exactly like b99 but I’ve found them all funny at least the first time I watched them. The only show I’ve seen multiple times in New Girl because my roommates and I used to rewatch every season before the new season dropped. The show is done now though.

      I have just started Schitt’s Creek myself for the first time (I’m on the beginning of the 2nd season).

    4. The Witch of the Wilds*

      I’d definitely suggest Chuck. And, while it strayed into drama fairly often, Castle was pretty good (unless Devereaux has ruined Fillion for you ;D).

      1. Filosofickle*

        Ooh, maybe I should rewatch that one. I never watched Dawson so James van der Beek was new to me and so much more fun than I expected.

    11. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m saving B99 for my birthday lol.

      Im watching Single Parents right now and I think it’s a cute show

    12. Parenthetically*

      We are Parks and Rec and B99 fans and 30 Rock is our all-time favorite. We’re on the 4th time through since we started dating… 6 years ago?

    13. Eeeek*

      New girl is good. It’s not white the same but I love Nathan for you. Party down is a random show from like 10 years ago with only 2 seasons and it’s hilarious. 30 rock!!! 30 rock is the absolute best. You should watch 30 rock first! Seinfeld…..? Guessing you’ve already seen that but if not it’s all on Hulu!!

    14. Anono-me*

      Corner Gas may appeal to you. It is a favorite of mine. (It is Canadian so the humor has less of a bite to it.)

    16. Just S*

      Cuckoo, Andy Samberg was in the first season on Netflix. Spy and The Wrong Mans, I know not everyone is a fan of James Corden, both on Hulu.

  63. The problem in living with parents*

    I took a new job in December, moving me from 7 hours away from my in-laws to 40 minutes. My in-laws were leaving for Florida the week before I started so they offered for me to house sit while they were gone. Hubby and I had planned for us to have a living situation figured out by the time they returned in April. Due to COVID my daughter’s school was closed in early March and daughter and hubby joined me with the thinking that we’d be able to move to our own place in May shortly after his parents returned from Florida. Well they returned the next week. Now we’ve had 4 adults and a kindergartner crammed into their 2 bedroom house for 6 weeks.
    We put a house under contract in February thinking we’d close and move in May. That hasn’t fallen through completely but the state shut down all real estate activity so we can’t get an inspection without which we can’t get a loan so….
    Hubby and I are going banana crackers living with his parents, every day just reinforces it. We’ve done our best to be good guests but she has to have something to bitch about. Hubby asks about my day (essential worker still going to the office) and she has to comment on or contradict everything I say. She has zero respect for our no TV before Breakfast or school work rule. We walk up and down the stairs to the basement too loudly.
    None of this is at all surprising we knew about it, the surprising thing is how much of a doormat she expects everyone to be and how hubby and his dad just let her.
    Hubby has agreed that he’s being a door mat and agrees that we have to find alternative housing ASAP (which will be a s&$# storm of its own).
    My problem is he wants to talk about this all the time and every conversation consists of well there are options A,B,C and D but here’s the problem with A and B won’t work because of X, C is out because of Z and I don’t know if we can do D.
    I’m working 12 hour days and you have 2 other adults in the house the only job between the three of you is teaching the kid and looking or for yourselves and you can’t even get to an undated plan??!!??!
    I feel like I’m having meetings that should be 1 line emails: no updates to report

    1. Not A Manager*

      I would be right out of patience with the husband part. If it were me, I’d tell him, “come to me when you have a plan that you think would work, and then we’ll talk it through. Better yet, think up two plans either of which would work, and we’ll choose between them. Until then, I don’t want to hear your process.”

      On the other hand, it sounds like this situation is significantly more distressing to you than to him. So the other option is for you to think of a plan that is acceptable to you, even if it has a lot of problems. Your only criterion should be, “Do I personally think this plan is better for my family than staying in this situation?” Then give him a deadline to come up with a better plan, otherwise he needs to agree to do yours.

    2. WS*

      Can you move out without him? Just to a hotel or something like that through the week, so you get some rest and don’t have to manage his emotions, let alone everyone else’s feelings.

    3. Anono-me*

      This sounds incredibly hard.

      Have you flat out told your husband you need him to come up with a viable plan before he starts discussing all of his ideas that won’t work again? I mean hopefully he would realize that ‘this won’t work and that won’t work because’ discussions repeated again and again are not helpful, but maybe he is just trying to keep you reassured that he is working on it.

      Also, I hope that you are calling various elected officials to ask for Provisions to allow a home purchases already in the works to move forward provided that no contact is necessary. Home inspections are typically done by one inspector escorted by a realtor and the homeowners, but could easily be modified to being done by the inspector alone and recorded on video. Closings could be done outside with the paperwork on an open space table and each party wears fabric masks and approaches with their own pen to sign. The paperwork and a check for fees could then be just deposited in a drop box at the recording Clerk’s Office then gone through and filed when someone was in the office to actually process it later.

      Being safe and smart is important, but part of being smart is thinking about the ways to be safe and still do as much as possible.

  64. Pregnancy talk and mentions of loss*

    Flagging the topic in the username.

    I hit 24 weeks now and baby potato is fine *fingers crossed* I have appts every 2 weeks and one coming up this week. bp is moving around a little bit. I’ve been stressing out so much about this for almost 2 months now as everyone I asked said they felt it at 12,15, 16, 20 weeks etc. I felt flutters at 20 but then nothing so I feared the worst. I go biweekly for my ultrasounds and each time the u/s tech & Dr assured me that baby is fine and he said I’ll begin feeling them more consistently in the 6th month (middle or end).

    Honestly, physically, this has been a relatively easy pregnancy aside from extremely sensitive nips. Emotionally/mentally? Not at all.

    Weeks 6-12 was filled with the fear of miscarrying as I had prior losses. Being super careful about drinking decaf tea only, fretting over whether the multiple cups of coffee, or flying on a plane or hookah sessions caused damage, fretting over every single cramp and pull.

    Weeks 13-20, I had the NIPT done and it came back that the baby *could* have a chromosomal issue which could lead to late term miscarriage/stillbirth, and the only way to know is to do an amniocetisis which carries a risk of miscarriage. I agonized over the decision and decided not to go through with it.

    I hit 20 weeks and….I lost my job and all the fears about this pandemic and job searching and the future and everything. I’m not sure if it’s because I have a lot of free time, but I started googling and I’m terrified of a late term loss and a little regretful that I didn’t get the amnio. My Dr has assured me that everything is fine and the thing I’m worried about carries a 1% chance for *every single pregnancy* not just mine.

    I believe in God and I am somewhat religious but I don’t talk to religious people about this. Throughout all this you’re told.. “dont’ stress, stress hurts the baby!” yea but..I’m stressed *ABOUT* the baby. it’s almost comical.

    1. Smol Book Wizard*

      from someone else who believes in God very much but also derives…very limited comfort from typical religious methods of comforting people – I don’t have very good words, but I do want to tell you that this internet stranger has said a prayer for you and your little one. I hope you are having some peace and joy today wherever you are.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        With you on the typical religious methods of comfort – it’s like I’m committing blasphemy by worrying and not trusting in God. I keep my worries to myself as I know how people can be

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You can break this cycle. Tell God you are sorry for doubting and then tell him, “But I am so. very. scared. Please help me.” Here you handle both issues, you apologizing for doubting and you admit you are afraid and you need help. Keep it short. Repeat it if you want to. You can give thanks for things, too if you wish.

          Have you ever prayed through tears? After my husband died that is all I did, I always cried when I prayed. Sometimes those are some of the most powerful prayers I have ever seen. It’s the honesty and the rawness of the tears, I think. Make it a point to see how you feel the next day after you pray.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Oh it’s all so hard! Religious person here, have struggled SO much with anxiety and then guilt about anxiety because I’m “hurting the baby” and argh. Prayed for you too.

    3. LegallyRed*

      I’m sorry you’re feeling anxious. I’m a worrier by nature and it’s especially difficult to turn off in pregnancy. I’m currently 15w and going through a couple of hellacious complications (including a possible cancer diagnosis — at the very least I have a large abdominal tumor that’s getting removed next week). I’ve been in the “1%” three times already during this pregnancy so whatever rare thing might happen, it seems *very* likely to happen to me. I hope the next 16 weeks or so pass quickly for you and you’re holding a healthy baby in your arms before you know it.

    4. TimeCat*

      I had some trouble with post partum anxiety and didn’t have all the testing issues. Those hormones mess with your brain.

      I wish I had good tips. I found that actively trying to relax made me conscious about it. I think the best thing is to try to distract yourself. Audiobooks helped me a lot.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I have no way of differentiating between hormones going crazy vs everything else. I have a friend I talk to who relates so tha’s nice, but you know boundaries. so hard to relax all the time.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Well, I mean, hormones are real too! It’s not like your anxiety becomes fake just because your hormones are at the root of it! (I say this as much to myself as to you and with all the empathy and compassion in the world. It’s hard. You are doing a hard thing, but you’re also DOING it.)

    5. Carlottamousse*

      Having gone through several losses before getting to where I am (6.5 mos. pregnant), I empathize with you. I’ve been fortunate to have a pretty easy pregnancy, physically, so far, but the first trimester was a lot of wait and see and fingers crossed, etc. I remember telling close family and friends early but that I was having a hard time being excited about even being pregnant because I knew first-hand how precarious the situation was. I didn’t want to set up the nursery until a month before my due date (we are ultimately going to do it a little earlier than that, though). It’s tough. I’d strongly suggest you try to avoid googling as much as possible. I’ve found it’s mostly anxiety-inducing. Have you read Expecting Better by Emily Oster? I thought that was a helpful book with providing data behind a lot of pregnancy recommendations and made me feel a little calmer and more informed about a lot of things. And I’ve also recently been going through a circular sadness where I’m sad about family members’ health and then worried about being sad because I don’t want to mess with the baby…ultimately decided to let the sadness overcome me, but since I’m a naturally optimistic person and while I know the sadness won’t disappear, I do rebound somewhat. Phone calls with family and friends help me. Hugs, too (fortunately, I’m quarantined with my understanding spouse). Again, hope you’re hanging in there, and remember to be kind to yourself.

      1. Imtheone*

        When I was born, people often waited until the baby came to set up the nursery. You could pick out a crib and the store wouldn’t deliver it until the baby and mother came home from the hospital. People felt it was inviting bad luck, bad karma, the evil eye, to set so obviously plan for the baby.

        Setting up a nursery doesn’t make it more likely that something bad will happen! But it is interesting to know that in the past, waiting to set up the nursery was a common and even recommended approach.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          That’s definitely still the practice in some families/cultures today. I’ve bought a few small items (mittens or washcloths etc) but so scared to buy any big ticket items for exactly that reason. I’m so envious of those who can publicly announce and share every step they go through from day 1 of the pregnancy.

  65. Trixie*

    Anyone keeping up with TinyKitten channel over on YouTube? Waiting on Grace to have her kittens and she’s the most adorable young gray cat. She enjoys attention more than anything else. If she was a feral in a former life, not after this.
    TinyKittens and Chelsea on Financial Diet are entertaining distraction these days.

    2. Aphrodite*

      Yes, absolutely. Did you see Grace with Firefighter Dave this morning. He stopped in, she came down off the ledge and he petted and stroked her for 10-15 minutes. She loved that and wriggled all around to enable him to get to every part of her. She has become the most loving, gentle cat, and I am wondering if Dave might just end up adopting her.

      1. Trixie*

        I did! I think she has been super gentle and affectionate from the beginning. Others on the TK boards comment may be she wasn’t already a feral or maybe lost/abandoned? I love how she settles right next to Shelly while she’s on her computer.

        I also love Thor on the other live feed. Granted I have a soft spot for orange cats but he is so sweet and gentle, adapted really well to the chaos of what 6-7 cats. Toys continue to move around the room but even without eyes he maneuvers well

    3. What the What*

      Long time TinyKittens fan. I got introduced via Grandpa Mason around the time of Chloe and Ramona’s kittens. I had cut out most of my YouTube watching because it was eating up too much time. But kitten-watching a new kitty family is the perfect distraction for quarantine.

    4. Perstephanie*

      Watching Grace yesterday lying on her side, eyes closed, purring, snuffling, making slow-motion biscuits in the air while Dave sat beside her scritching her ears *right there* . . . is exactly what I needed this week.

    5. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Zwartbles Ireland has been my saving grace during all of this. She’s got a You Tube and Twitter, featuring “the World’s Smallest Sheepdog”, a couple of puppies, so many lambs, and a cat named Ovenmitt. Nice gentle videos of farming in Ireland and various critter shenanigans.

  66. MissDisplaced*

    The Shadow photo looks like it could be a painting: Black cat on Red Pillow with Still Life

  67. Might be Spam*

    I try not to dwell on the news but the front page of today’s newspaper is sending my blood pressure and anxiety through the roof. I live in Wisconsin and I am flabbergasted by my state government. Governor Evers tried to postpone our April elections and extend the stay at home order until the end of May. He is trying to keep us safe and our representatives and state Supreme Court are trying to block him. Legislators got the Wisconsin Supreme Court to force elections in April and I expect a surge in Covid19 as a result. People waited for hours to get a chance to vote and absentee ballots didn’t get to many people who requested them.
    Now legislators are asking the Wisconsin Supreme Court to void the extension of the stay at home order. People will die if this happens. Life is more important than money. We will find a way to survive economically, but we cannot bring back the dead. Yes, I am lonely at home and bored and anxious and losing money. No, I will not risk lives for my convenience. I cannot understand why they they have so little regard for human life.

    1. Wisconsinite*

      They’re doing it as a political ploy. The GOP will strongarm Evers into opening, people will get sick and die, and they will then blame it on Evers. They truly don’t care who dies and how many dies, they only want to blame the Democrats. Wisconsin is broken right now.

    2. TimeCat*

      They’re idiots. People aren’t going to go out and shop with people dying in droves. It’ll make the economic damage worse.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Florida hasn’t turned into New York. Yet. Give it time. Once covid gets into the retirement neighborhoods, etc it’ll be a bloodbath. with a bunch of my family in the middle of it :(

          1. TimeCat*

            It makes me so angry. I have a friend coming off maternity leave who has to deal with these idiots (she’s a surgeon) and worry about getting her four month old sick. My Dad is in his 60s and a doctor too, he’s also endangered by this.

      1. StellaBella*

        I find it interesting that a lot of the male protesters in WI, MI, VA, etc are angry about being told what to do with their bodies. (stay home).

    4. Jennifer Juniper*

      Someone needs to tell these idiots that dead people can’t work, pay taxes, or buy stuff.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I saw that!

      Oh, man, one of the things I am really missing about business travel now (besides hotel rooms with incredibly loud air conditioners‒that is the one thing that really helps me sleep when I’m on the road) is those DoubleTree cookies! Who would have guessed that a teeny-tiny bit of lemon juice is the secret?

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Man, those cookies always irritated me. WHY THE NUTS?!

      Spouse (who has stayed hundreds of nights in Hilton or Doubletree on business in the last few years) is very excited. And if it means I can make them minus the devil’s toenails …

  69. Sunflower*

    Websites besides eBay to buy gently used DVD’s for cheap-ish? I’m in the USA and determined to finally binge/finish Alias after making it through the first 3 seasons at least 10 times through various points in my life.

    1. cat socks*

      I was going to reccomend Second Spin because I had sold DVDs to them a while ago. Unfortunately looks like they are no longer in business. I’ve seen used stuff sold on Amazon.

      My city has a chain of stores called Half Price Books, but they also have music and DVDs. Looks like they sell online too.

      2. Chaordic One*

        I see that the now-closed Second Spin website recommends another website called FYE dot com.

    3. Cabin Fever*

      Bull Moose! Independently owned, and their used prices are usually pretty decent. Their locations are all in northern New England, but they ship everywhere in the US. Link in reply :)

  70. MedLibrarian*

    Sending you all my best. I had a lot of stress during my pregnancy, unrelated to your reasons for stress, and telling myself that worrying wouldn’t change anything, stress wasn’t good for the baby, etc. also didn’t lessen my stress level. If this helps you at all, know that my “baby” turns 16 this summer. Hope everything goes as well for you.

    1. MedLibrarian*

      Sorry–nesting fail. I meant to post this under Pregnancy talk and mentions of loss.

  71. MechanicalPencil*

    I’ve been looking at using something like Overtone to dye my hair a somewhat outrageous color minus having to bleach and so on. Except they’re sold out of the color I want. Does anyone have any similar product recommendations for a similar kinda sorta not really hair dyeing experience?

    1. Lcsa99*

      My niece just used a dye from Hot Topic to color her hair hot pink and it turned out awesome. She already had bleached tips so it stands out more than it would have otherwise and it’ll wash out but it would be something fun for testing, and you can definitely tell formerly natural roots are pink. Unfortunately I don’t know exactly what they used but that should give you a start. I’ll share an image in the link.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I use Arctic Fox from Hot Topic for my unnatural colors. Their purple lasts for dang ever, and as it fades out goes into a really pretty wine shade. Blue, green, teal all fade pretty quickly unless you take precautions. I think it’s either semi- or demi-permanent though. I’m not positive, I have to bleach at least once a year otherwise my hair just laughs off any dye anyway.

    2. GigglyPuff*

      Manic Panic. Brands usually are different for each person. I love Manic Panic, works better than what my salon uses. But I hate Arctic Fox, barely lasted and the smell was so grossly sweet and artificial, and it didn’t go away for weeks. It was awful. I also have dark brunette hair (with a small bleached section) and gives me nice, see mostly in sunlight, highlights. I just used the Voodoo Blue, starts off as like a peacock green and fades into a great blue green.

  72. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    People with uterus! Is anyone having a “normal” period? Has it changed? I went yesterday to buy a pack of pads and I wondered why in Earth I was preparing for something that wasn’t going to happen. I’m PMSing right now, but I’ll be surprised if I find a small spot, considering current events.

    1. Not Much Help But...*

      Hi! This isn’t related to the virus, but I got an IUD in December 2018 and starting in early 2019 until now, I BARELY get my period. Earlier this week I had a tiny bit of spotting, but that hasn’t happened in months. So weird, totally was not expecting that from the IUD. I would assume anything going on with your body right now is probably due to everything going on, though. Strange how that happens!

    2. Jules the First*

      *wave*
      Clockwork uterus over here started right on schedule this morning. Feeling vaguely envious of you, if that helps.
      (Also begging the universe to cut me a break and let my egg supply hold out until the fertility clinics reopen…2020 was so supposed to be The Year I Had A Baby, not The End Of The World As We Know It)

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Ha! You think my uterus is going to cancel shark week just because there’s a pandemic on, you are sorely mistaken! That organ doesn’t stop for nothing, nohow. Utterly normal period here.

    4. Jdc*

      Either you ovulate and therefore have your period or you don’t. Stress won’t determine the amount.

      2. Vic tower*

        Well actually, you can bleed without ovulating. The endometrium thickens like usual, then doesn’t get it’s signal that ovulation has occurred, then gets confused… result – weird period (late, heavier or lighter than usual, possibly prolonged etc)
        Gynaecologist here. Periods going weird in times of stress are complex, and involve several different hormones and processes

      3. RagingADHD*

        What? This is ridiculously ignorant.

        Stress absolutely changes your cycle. It’s the most common cause of irregular or late periods.

        Have you ever even had one?

        r/badwomensanatomy

          1. Jules the First*

            Uhhh…think you need a refresher on exactly how this works. My uterus is perfectly capable of shedding its lining and causing us to have a period whether I ovulate or not. The uterine lining builds up and sheds in response to hormonal fluctuations; usually, those hormonal fluctuations also cause an egg to mature and be release, but the relationship between ovulation and menstruation is one of correlation, not causation.

    5. Alex*

      Mine came right on schedule. So don’t skip the pads! Better to have them and not need them…

    6. Alexandra Lynch*

      I’m 48 and dealing with perimenopause, and have spent the last week and a half spotting with occasional floods. It’s just as well that I’m staying home near a supply of extra pads and clean clothes. (sigh) I am Not Amused.

    8. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I shouldn’t bleed at all (birth control) but had two unwelcome visits in the last three weeks. Weird situations do weird things to the uterus.

    9. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Mine’s been right on schedule, but I’ve never had an issue with stress making periods late and have always had very regular periods, so I guess that’s not surprising in my particular case. (Instead, stress makes me not be able to sleep and gradually turn into a pile of no coping skills.) Very glad to be a long-term Diva Cup user and not worried about running out of disposables these days.

    10. Katrianah (UK)*

      I have PCOS and endo so my periods are normally all over the place. Right now they’re appearing as they should according to my tracker (which is more of a “be ready AROUND this date”). The universe is being kind to me on this one!

  73. Jedi Squirrel*

    I went on a grocery run Friday morning for my parents. The highlight of the day was SiriusXM playing Steve Martin’s “King Tut” just as I was pulling into my parking lot.

    Yeah, had to drive around the block to enjoy that one. (Cool, funky bass line in the middle of that one, too. Must find the tab for it.)

    2. Chaordic One*

      Sometimes something unexpected and a bit absurd can be just the thing to lift your spirits.

  74. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    Is the Amazon handmade section legit? I have some gift cards burning a hole and would prefer to buy from small businesses right now.

    Otherwise, I’m thinking plants or a needed new pair of sneakers.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Powells is not a small business in any meaningful sense. They’re the 1000 pound gorilla of indie bookstores. Definitely better than Amazon, but it’s worth seeing you have any smaller indie bookstores local to you that may also be worth supporting. I would be deeply surprised if Powells didn’t pull through this more or less fine, but a lot of the little storefronts run by one or two people may not.

          1. Katrianah (UK)*

            Yeah this reminds me of when people cry that Wool Warehouse is a small indie buisness. They may be family owned, but they’re not an LYS by any stretch of the imagination.

            Sorry, apparently I have feelings about yarn retailers now.

    2. Tris Prior*

      Legit how?
      I sell my handmade jewelry on Amazon Handmade and know a lot of other artists and crafters who do as well.

  75. Stories of Family History*

    Hi all! I am wondering if anyone has taken on projects of researching family history and either has some great tips for digging deeper, or even better, interesting stories about their families that they’d like to share that were discovered through this process?

    I recently finished a book that re-sparked my interest in researching my family history. Some members of both sides of my family have worked on it in the past and we have a good start, but tracking European Jews is tough at times, though some of the ship records, Ellis Island manifests, etc, are incredible. I wan’t to try to find out even more and eventually plan a trip to Eastern Europe/Russia to visit the specific places we came from. It has been amazing to see both sides of my family come together in the week since my project began to share photos, documents, stories, etc, that they have!

    Hope to learn some amazing stories from this community!

    1. 00ff00Claire*

      No tips, but I’m interested in doing the same. I’ve started going through some old pictures with my dad. He has so many! One fun thing we did – at least I found it fun – was look up the location of one of his pictures from the 1950s on google maps. It was taken at a house and he knew of a good nearby landmark that we were able to search for the house. We looked at it on street view and the house was still there!

      My dad and uncle also have told me about my grandfather getting to know some British sailors during WWII who were in the US for a bit. He brought at least a few of them home to his mother’s house to eat. They tell me that my great-grandmother corresponded with the mother of one of the sailors. I would love to be able to track down more information on that sailor!

      1. Stories of Family History*

        That’s so cool about your grandfather and the sailors and your great grandmother writing with one of their mothers! Love that.

        And I LOVE Google Maps. I have some addresses of where people lived when they first moved here so we’ve looked those places up, some of which stayed in the family until my parents were kids so they remember going over! Can’t wait to look at more. Thank you!

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Longtime genealogist here. Interview your oldest relatives first. Become a good interviewer. Ask them non-yes-or-no questions like “What is your favorite childhood memory?” or “What homemade meal was your favorite?” Ask if it’s okay to record them. I was fortunate; my grandmothers were willing to talk about their lives. Some won’t and you’ll have to accept that.
      Sign up with FamilySearch.org (free) or Ancestry (not free) to avoid duplicating research that’s already done. Be aware that other people’s “research” might not be accurate. The best researchers cite their sources/proof of family ties. Research everything you can before your trip. Make a list of goals for your trip. Stay flexible in where your research might take you people-wise or place-wise. For example, some people don’t know “Pennsylvania Dutch” AREN’T Dutch; they’re German! Surprise!
      Finally, document what you’ve found and make it accessible to other family researchers.
      Best of Luck! You have an exciting project!

      1. Stories of Family History*

        Luckily my cousin gave me access to her paid account on Ancestry that she has done some work on for a while. We are comparing with another tree our uncle has, and have all been looking at the same one to make sure we don’t duplicate or screw anything up. I have been sharing anything that seems like a new fact with both sides of my family, people love it! I am planning to make some sort of book with all of the documents I find and stories I am told.

        One thing that I have found that kind of blows my mind is where my family is actually from! I was always under the impression that three sets of great grandparents came directly from Russia Russia, and one came from Lithuania. However, I am finding that according to the census records and other documents I’ve found so far, no one came from what is actually current-day Russia. They are from Lithuania, Poland, Ukraine, Austria…so I know these were all Soviet countries at different times in history, but the fact that they are from actual cities in these countries and not Russia is pretty crazy to me!

    3. LuckySophia*

      I have done genealogy off and on for …hmmm… 20 years now. Other than Ancestry or familysearch(dot) org the best resource for me was the LDS Family History Center (at least, when they re-open post-virus, check them out if there is one local to you). A friend who is LDS took me there initially and showed me the many resources they have. The Centers are staffed by volunteers who typically have genealogy expertise themselves, and are exceedingly kind and helpful if you approach them for advice about where else you should look/what direction your research should take next …. they may have a good idea of other locations/organizations that would hold specialized types of records you’d need to find before traveling to Eastern Europe/Russia.

      RE: Port of NY immigration/ships’ records: my Irish ancestors arrived NY before Ellis Island opened. Back then, the common NY port of entry was “Castle Garden”. They (Castle Garden) have a website with records of pre-Ellis ship arrivals/links to transcribed passenger manifests by surname, if I recall correctly. (Of course, I think familysearch has the actual Castle Garden ship manifest images, as well). But familysearch has some transcription errors that can throw off your searches. (I couldn’t find my ancestor “Peden” in a census where I knew he was, because his name was transcribed as “Pendan”. Unless I searched for “Pendan” …he was “not found”.

      Also, (at least in Pennsylvania), the smaller town or county courthouses often have small open-to-the-public “libraries” with microfilms/ledgers of old local records such as deeds, wills, etc, going back to the town’s formation. Such towns may or may not have a separate “Historical Society” in addition to these records the Clerk or Registrar would have kept over the years.

      1. Stories of Family History*

        Thank you! Definitely running into instances where names are spelled differently, especially on census forms, though I think those issues are more the people from Ancestry or wherever misinterpreting hard-to-read handwriting on the forms. Most of my ancestors came over between 1900-1910 through Ellis Island so I have some of the Ellis Island records, but hope to find the rest! I think the reason I haven’t found others yet may be due to different spellings/names before and after they changed them.

        Also great tip about going to the county courthouses/libraries. Everyone came and settled in the Boston area so that is definitely an option. Thank you!

    4. heckofabecca*

      My dad is a genealogist working with Ashkenazi families… Mostly his/our own (he started that in 1995), but he’s branched out in the last 15-ish years. You can see some of his work by searching for “The Friends of Jewish Dokshitsy” (that’s the town my grandfather was from in Belarus) and “yousaypokrassa” (variations of surname Pokross, Pokrassa, etc).

      What I’ve gotten the most out of hearing him talk about his work is that you really have to talk to everyone, and then go back and talk to them again! Corroborating details, little things… I know he heard something once and years later came back to it because someone else had brought it up! Boom, new family reconnection.

      Jewishgen dot org is an obvious place to start, and if you have specific towns/communities that you know your family is from you can search for that. Good luck!!

      1. heckofabecca*

        Oh, and don’t be afraid to just look for phone numbers/emails and cold-call/cold-email someone. My dad’s done that A LOT.

      1. Stories of Family History*

        I have not, but I will! I know my cousin joined a Facebook group that was started by relatives on my mom’s mom’s side of the family that we never really knew, and because my grandmother died 27 years ago, didn’t really have access to. That was amazing to open up a whole massive group of people we are related to. I will check out Tracing the Tribe! Thanks!

    6. Nara*

      From the (US) National Archives site at archivesdotorg, I learned that Ancestry has its Archives records free for now…while the physical Archives are closed…so scanned/searchable census files, etc.

      1. Stories of Family History*

        Thank you, I will check it out! My family has a paid ancestry account so luckily we do have access to all of that.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      No advice on going looking, sorry, but a family story or two.

      My English grandfather got to America by jumping ship from His Majesty’s navy. There was a general amnesty after the First World War, fortunately. I don’t know how he explained it to the naturalization folks when he applied for citizenship.

      He met his wife, my grandmother, in England when he saw her rolling down a hill. Many children do that, of course, but she was not a child. Petticoats are not designed for that kind of activity. Apparently he liked what he saw enough to send for her after he got to America. We learned about this when my mother visited the area 90 years later, because the locals still thought it was a good story. Edwardians, what can I say?

      1. Stories of Family History*

        That is a really great story! And they actually liked each other and were happily married? Pretty wild, but then again things were a lot different back that. Love the “roll” of faith they took.

  76. Jedi Squirrel*

    I am fortunate to live within an hour of a Seventh-Day Adventist food store that sells stuff in bulk. I used to buy from them all the time years ago. (Need to feed six people cheap? A 25-pound bag of lentils for cheap really stretches the food budget!)

    Unfortunately, they are mostly sold out now, but come fall, I’ll make the trip up there to stock up on dried beans and rices (they have wild rice super cheap, and I love wild rice). A lot of their stuff is organic, too.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Also, they are completely vegan, so if you are looking for recipes, check out their cookbooks.

  77. Foreign Octopus*

    Sorry for another book related query but I’m having a bit of difficulty.

    My cousin (15f) is living in a somewhat unhappy family situation. Her father is very old-fashioned in what he thinks daughters should and shouldn’t do and constantly belittles her. She’s academically talented and very curious but he’s always on at her because “why should she study as she’s just going to be married and pregnant before long”. Obviously I want to help her but my hands are tied because a) I’m not in any sort of position to invite her into my home and b) we’re not close – the last time I saw her she was seven-ish, however my mother keeps me uptodate with the family. Mum’s asked that I put together a list of books that she might like as she’s apparently read all the books in her house and is eager for more as she’s a voracious reader. I’ve got a list of books (see below) but I don’t know if they’re appropriate for a 15-year-old or if I’m missing something obvious.

    Do you guys have any suggestions for books that a 15-year-old girl might enjoy? I’m open to any suggestions: fiction, non-fiction, any genre, I don’t think it matters.

    Here’s what I’ve collected so far. Sorry for how long this is.

    1. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, by Betty Smith
    2. The Outlander series, by Diana Gabaldon
    3. The Book Thief, by Marcus Zusak
    4. To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
    5. Me Before You, by Jojo Moyes
    6. Terra, by Mitch Benn
    7. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, by John Berendt
    8. The Help, by Kathryn Stockett
    9. Cider with Rosie, by Laurie Lee
    10. Atonement, by Ian McEwan
    11. Rebecca, by Daphne Du Maurier
    12. The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood
    13. Room, by Emma Donoghue
    14. The Martian, by Andy Weir
    15. The Amelia Peabody series, by Elizabeth Peters
    16. Stoner, by John Williams
    17. Tracks, by Robyn Davidson
    18. The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls
    19. The Poldark series, by Winston Graham
    20. Kindred, by Octavia Butler
    21. The Underground Railroad, by Colson Whitehead
    22. The series of Maya Angelou’s autobiography
    23. Born a Crime, by Trevor Noah
    24. Educated, by Tara Westover
    25. Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman
      The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fist-Fight in Heaven by Sherman Alexie. He’s a bit problematic, but his works are solid.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If fantasy is ok, look into David Eddings, Patricia McKillip, Tamora Pierce, Patricia C Wrede, Tolkien, …… you get the idea.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Tamora Pierce for sure. Maybe the Redwall series? They might skew a little young, but they’re cute and there’s a million of them. Ditto Rick Riordan’s books. Maybe some classics – Anne of Green Gables, the Little House books? Robin McKinley. I think that’s about how old I was when I read Jurassic Park too.

        2. Elenna*

          +1 to Tamora Pierce. I love the way she has badass female heroines who defy gender norms but are still allowed to like clothes, worry about boys, etc. Very overt feminism themes. I also love Rick Riordan and Anne of Green Gables.

        3. Blueberry*

          +1 to Rick Riordan’s books, which are complex and fascinating and feature a lot of different female characters.

        4. Clisby*

          Both of my kids (daughter and son) loved the Redwall series.
          I’m not so sure about Gone With the Wind. Not that it’s inappropriate for a 15-year-old – that’s about when I read it – but it’s hard for me to imagine too many current 15-year-olds liking it.

    3. Jules the First*

      Phew. Some great stuff on that list, but also lots that is really a grenade if she hasn’t got someone to talk to about it. (Room, for example, was Hard when I was 23…not sure I could have coped at 15, and I did read the Handmaid’s Tale when I was 15 and do not recommend it as an experience. Read the book, yes, but it would have been much less traumatic if I’d actually grown up first).

      My best suggestion is the A Mighty Girl website, which has great reading lists with strong female characters sorted by age.

      Other good choices: anything by Mary Stewart, Sue Grafton’s marvellous Kinsey Millhone mystery series (start with A is for Alibi), all of Jane Austen, anything by the Bronte sisters (ymmv), Annie Proulx’s short stories (novels are deadly dull, but love her short stories); the 100 year old man who climbed out a window (there’s more to the title, but that’ll be enough to find it), anything by Madeleine L’Engle, anything by Naomi Novik, anything by Charles deLint (though might be a bit dated)…

    4. Ranon*

      Can you help her get a library card and a way to access e-books? Then she could really explore on her own.

      At that age I was reading a lot of Terry Pratchett. Martha Wells has some wonderful stuff too and I’ll second Patricia Wrede, the Enchanted Forest Chronicles are wonderful

    5. MedLibrarian*

      My daughter, same age, enjoyed The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd that she just read for school. She thinks the School of Fear three book-series by Gitty Daneshvari is hilarious (it is). The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak are sad, but good. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. You’re kind to want to help her.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      Lunar Chronicles, The Hate U Give, The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, Dress Codes for Small Towns, Hunger Games, Wee Free Men/Hat Full of Sky/Wintersmith, Spinning Silver, and Uprooted are where I’d start.

      I would not do Me Before You if there’s even a chance that your cousin is disabled. I definitely had suicidal ideation after reading that one, and it pretty much solidified that I don’t get to have romance.

      1. Reba*

        Love these suggestions!

        I also would scratch Me Before You, as well as The Help.

        A novel that treats similar issues to The Help, but better, is Four Spirits by Sena Jeter Naslund.

        Room and Atonement might be intense for 15, especially if she is a somewhat sheltered 15 (extrapolating from the infuriating dad comment).

        Do you think there is scope for developing like a book club for the two of you? Sounds like this young woman could use more better adults in her life. You’re so kind to put the list together and I hope she loves it.

    7. Parenthetically*

      HUGE +1 for Tracks, so good! The movie is quite good as well.

      I wouldn’t recommend Atonement for 15.

      Depending on how cool she is with classics, I read Jane Eyre for the first time around then. Northanger Abbey is a great one for teens — I always describe it as a comedy about Regency Twihards.

      1. TimeCat*

        Hard no on Atonement at 15. I love the book, but not for that age.

        Tamora Pierce is great. Classics like Jane Eyre. There is tons of great YA. Naomi Novik. Tamora Pierce. Rainbow Rowell.

    8. Lyra*

      Looks like a good list!

      How controlling is her father? I’d be a little careful about giving her something like Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil if he’s going to give her trouble over reading it. Agree with the other commenter about Room – I don’t know if I’d give that as a gift to anyone who hadn’t specifically requested it.

      Also seconding the recommendation for the His Dark Materials series. Start with The Golden Compass and see if she likes it. It’s a fantastical world with characters around her age, tied to some interesting philosophical and moral questions, with moments of darkness and a real respect for the deeper thoughts and feelings of teenagers (and adults) that are often unacknowledged. As a bookish teenager, I devoured that series.

    9. Bluebell*

      I think Educated is too intense for age 15. This winter I did a reading project with my 15 year old niece and we read Dear Mrs Bird by AJ Pearce. Nice story about a young woman in WW2 in England who is working at a newspaper. The heroine is plucky, and has a strong friendship too. My niece really enjoyed it.

      1. Alex*

        Agree about Educated. I found that book really upsetting. And with her father being how you describe, that could maybe be particularly upsetting to her.

        Not that 15 is too young for something upsetting, but I wouldn’t recommend potentially upsetting stuff to a 15 year old I didn’t know well.

        I mean, I’m glad I read it, but oof.

        1. Temperance*

          I think it might be good for her to see someone triumphing over a toxic family, personally.

    10. 00ff00Claire*

      Not sure if you are looking for things that are a little lighter, but most of mine are going to be lighter reads than what’s on your list.

      If she likes fantasy or sci-fi, I highly recommend the Queen of the Tearling series by Erika Johansen. I enjoyed this series more than even the Hunger Games (which I liked!). I felt like the main character had more depth.

      I really liked Scott Westerfeld’s Leviathan Series and his Uglies series was also pretty good. I might download the Leviathan series and re-read. I’m all about some light reading these days!

      I have also enjoyed Philip Reeve’s work – the Mortal Engine (Hungry Cities) series and its prequel series, Fever Crumb. Also the Larklight trilogy was quite enjoyable but might read a little young for 15 – it’s been a while since I read them so I’m not sure.

      These are all YA books and all of the protagonists are teenagers / young adults and mostly female, however as a disclaimer – I have read them as an adult, so I can’t speak for whether teenagers actually like them. Mortal Engines was made into a movie that I don’t think did the book justice.

      The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden is good as well as The Secrets of Wishtide by Kate Saunders. Both of those have young/young-ish female protagonists although I’m not sure whether they fall into the YA genre or not.

      I would also echo Jules the First that some on your list might be a bit heavy for 15, especially with times as they are now, particularly Handmaid’s Tale and maybe Atonement. It has been a long time since I’ve read Atonement, and this may just be me, but the impression I keep of it is that of utter hopelessness.

      1. Blueberry*

        I agree. Also, the fact that the plot of Atonement turns on what’s effectively a false rape accusation chilled me when I read it as a teenage rape survivor.

    11. SJNB*

      I capture the castle by Dodie Smith
      Cold comfort farm by Stella Gibbons
      Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy series by Douglas Adams
      Second the recs for Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials series and for Northanger Abbey

    12. Morning reader*

      It’s a good list for starters! Some of them are kinda rapey, tho. Have you read them all yourself? I recommend doing that for anything you send her, to check for difficult topics, and to re-familiarize yourself so that you can talk to her about the books. I might lean more toward those that portray healthy sexual relationships, as opposed to abusive ones.

      Check lists for r3commended YA fiction and/or science fiction/fantasy, too. 15 is a great age for those.

      1. TimeCat*

        Yeah a lot of them aren’t really appropriate for that age. I’d excise 2, 7, 10-13, 22 (those I have read, there are some on this list I haven’t).

    13. Emma*

      These are popular, so she may have already read them, but I loved the Harry Potter and Hunger Games series.

      I liked the first Divergent book, too.

    14. Millicent*

      This is really thoughtful of you, but like others have said, I think some of the books on your list are too old for a 15yo. I’m also a little unclear on what will be done with your list – is your mom buying the books for your cousin? If the father is going to see the books, I think he would not approve of many of them.

      Is there any way to help her get a library card instead, where she could ask a librarian for recommendations as she figures out what she likes to read?

      2nd or 3rd the recs for:
      The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
      Wee Free Men and sequels by Terry Pratchett
      I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith

      Also recommend:
      Dicey’s Song and sequels by Cynthia Voigt
      The Sun is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon
      Dragonsong and sequels by Anne McCaffrey
      A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
      Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh

      2. KoiFeeder*

        If Octo takes only one suggestion from all of us, Wee Free Men and sequels is the one to go for. I don’t think I was fifteen when I got my horrible little hands on it, but I was around that age, and it was literally life-changing.

        (and I still keep string on me- it’s very useful!)

    15. NewReadingGlasses*

      The Earthsea Trilgogy by Ursula LeGuin
      The Princess Academy by Barbara Hale
      The Riddle Master of Hed, Patricia McKillup
      Water ship Down, Richard Adams
      The Graceling Series, Kristin Cashore

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        For nonfiction,
        The Secret Life of Trees
        The Genius of Birds,
        Books by Mary Roach (there are a bunch, Maybe Packing for Mars, or Gulp)
        If she like math, the The Shape of Space, by Jeffrey Weeks, which is the only smart high school level topology book I’ve ever seen.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        I’m going to argue against Graceling. It kept losing the plot to the romantic subplot, in my opinion.

        But a big big yes on Earthsea.

        1. NewReadingGlasses*

          Oh,I was thinking of the the two other books I the Graceling series (Fire and Bitterblue), they both have very controlling father figures. Maybe too much?

          1. KoiFeeder*

            I haven’t read those two, but again, I was pretty sick of it losing the plot by the end of the book so I just stopped.

            Do you need to read the first book for the other two? Getting those and skipping the first might work- I thought that the ideas in the first book were great, it was just the execution kept getting lost in the love story.

            1. NewReadingGlasses*

              There is a character in common from Graceling to Fire,but it’s pretty independent. There is also some romance, but it feels less intrusive. Bitterblue is much more convoluted and has a great many subplots, some of which are more clear if you’ve read Fire. I’ve reread them both, though they work best the first time through. I’ve actually not wished to reread the original Graceling.

    16. Foreign Octopus*

      Thank you all for your suggestions and advice. I’m 30 and I can’t really remember what I read at 15 aside from Harry Potter, Jane Eyre, and the required reading for English at school so it’s difficult for me to realise what’s appropriate and what’s not. I’ll be taking Room, Educated, Outlander, Midnight, and Handmaid’s off the list and replace them with so,e of your suggestions. I can’t believe I forgot His Dark Materials! I hang my head in shame.

      And to answer a recurring question, my mum talks to her via email and will give her the list and a gift voucher to the kindle shop as she has better access that way. Right now a library card isn’t possible before she’s in the UK and under lockdown. Her family situation probably isn’t unique in its happiness unfortunately but since she’s a large reader I was hoping to give her some books that will bolster her self-confidence as her dad really is an ass. I’d like her to read something like Jane Eyre and recognize that it’s okay to want things and draw boundaries. I may be asking a little too much but books have always helped me during difficult times, so I hope the same is true for her.

      1. Millicent*

        I’d strongly recommend you take The Underground Railroad off the list also. I loved that book, but I read it at 40 something. At 15 it would have been way too graphic and violent for me, and I read a lot as a teen.

        Also second the recommendation to take Me Before You off the list.

      2. purple otter*

        If you’re still checking these comments, I can’t believe no one’s brought up anything by Diana Wynne Jones! Howl’s Moving Castle series, Dark Lord of Derkholm, Dalemark Quartet, the Merlin Conspiracy, to name a few.

        Also, Garth Nix’s the Old Kingdom series, particularly the first three – Sabriel, Lirael, and Abhorsen, I loved the series at that age.

      3. Odge*

        Many libraries have e-catalogs that you can access online or through an app, any idea if her local library offers something like that? There’s also gutenberg.org which has a huge catalog of public domain ebooks, lots of the classics should be available there.

    17. Nancy*

      I read Anna Karenina at about that age, and I loved it. And it’s long, which is a plus! At that age, I read a lot of the classics, and particularly enjoyed the Brontes. Another one that I loved (and still do) was Room with a View by EM Forster. But do you think she might read any Charles Dickens? Again, they’re quite long. Great Expectations, maybe. Tess of the Durbervilles by Thomas Hardy, Silas Marner by George Eliot. More contemporary: A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini, Black Swan Green by David Mitchell. Lighter reading: PG Wodehouse? My Family and Other Animals by Gerald Durrell. Do you think she read Little House on the Prairie etc as a child? If so, she might enjoy Prairie Fires: The American Dreams of Laura Ingalls Wilder, by Caroline Fraser. I recently read it, and it’s a fascinating biography of LIW, with loads of background info about history and culture of the time.

      1. Nancy*

        Others have recommended Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbon, and I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith, and I’d like to strongly second these recommendations!

    18. Jen Erik*

      I’d leave ‘Educated’ on the list, myself.

      As to what I actually read at that age, I had all of Georgette Heyer, all of the Pern books (there are some later ones that I don’t think were great, that weren’t published at the time), all of Asimov, certainly all of P G Wodehouse. Thought Douglas Adams was hilarious. Didn’t myself like a lot of the classics, even though I was a voracious reader: I think a lot of classics weren’t written for children: I was amazed when I reread Jane Austen at 19, and found out they were good.
      She’s maybe a little old for Agatha Christie, which readers seem to tear through at 12 or 13, but if she doesn’t happen to have them, they’d be good. Also Twilight. Because, yes, I know, but my personal pet peeve was adults who pushed improving literature on me, rather than let me read. (Truthfully, lovely though the thought is, at 15, a list like that would have made me resolve not read any of the books on it ever, on belligerent teenage principle. On the other hand my best friend loved an improving list, and faithfully read any books wise adults pointed her towards. She did very well in life, and is still the nicest person.)

      If your cousin doesn’t know about Project Gutenberg, point it out to her, because free books for the kindle – if I’d had that at 15, I’d never have left the house again.

      1. Imtheone*

        Books by Sarah Dessin. They are about teen-aged live in a fictional North Carolina college town that is a lot like Chapel Hill, NC. My daughter (and my husband) read all of them when my daughter was 15 and 16.

        Classics might also pass muster with her father. Jane Austen and Mary Shelley both wrote in their late teens, which may be why Pride and Prejudice and Frankenstein appeal to teens. The older books can be harder to read because of the language, but after reading one, the next one will come more easily.

        I know that people usually read Little Women when they are younger than 15, but an important theme of the book is the importance and value of women as people and their desires for their lives. Louisa May Alcott repeats this theme in other books such as An Old-Fashioned Girl. Your cousin’s father would probably think these books are safe, but they are really secretly incendiary.

    19. Jennifer Juniper*

      Ix-nay on #12. That book contains sexually explicit scenes and expletives. Not to mention the feminist stuff!
      Don’t give her that unless you want her to be punished. (I’m assuming the dad is a strict Christian fundamentalist/evangelical.)

    20. Ronda*

      Lois McMaster Bujold — vorkosigan series, sharing knife series and chalion series. I would start with Shards of Honor (vorkosigan) and if she likes , its a treasure trove.

      the princess bride. the book is just as great as the movie.

      On a Pale Horse (piers anthony) – this is a big series too but this is the book from it that I remember most fondly.

      The Lathe of Heaven (Le Guin) – this one has remained memorable over the years

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Strong disagree with Piers Anthony – he has a recurring theme of sexually abused teen girls ending up in portrayed-as-healthy relationships with much older men. (Happens in book 7 of the series that On A Pale Horse is the first one of, among entirely too many other places.)

    21. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Joan Bauer is less well-known but all of her books are phenomenal – nearly all of them are about strong young teenage girls striking out of their own for the first time and finding themselves, but they are very PG and won’t upset dad.

    22. Temperance*

      Can you connect with her to talk before sending her books? A lot of these don’t seem super appropriate for a teenage girl, and if she’s not interested, could go over like a lead balloon if her dad is familiar (although he doesn’t sound like the kind of person who is well-read, so that’s probably not an issue). I would take “Me Before You” off the list, to start.

      When I was 15, I was really into horror. Mostly Stephen King.

    23. Teacher Lady*

      I do not recommend Gone With the Wind or The Help, full stop. To say that they are problematic with respect to race is an understatement.

      I do recommend:
      Anything by Angie Thomas
      The Sun is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon
      Refugee by Alan Gratz (although I think this was written for middle grades – if I recall correctly the protagonists are all 12-13 years old – but I think the story itself would appeal to YA readers, so this may be a know-your-reader situation)

      I believe Born a Crime has a young reader’s edition for teens, as do Malala Yousafzai and William Kamkwamba’s autobiographies.

      Someone else recommended the Vorkosigan saga, which I also started in my mid-teens, but I started with Warrior’s Apprentice and maintain that is the better entry point for the series even though it’s the fourth or fifth book chronologically. And again, know thy reader – there are events and themes that might not be right for all teen readers.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        It seems from previous comments that the OP has done some revisions to the original list, just to toss out an additional source: check out Project LIT YA for books that are specifically for teen readers, or check your local public library (or any public library even if it’s not local!) for suggestions relevant to your reader! And of course, if there are specific parental concerns, read reviews or read the book yourself before recommending. I’m a teacher and I am not in favor of blocking kids’ access to books, but it seems like there is a pretty clear need to be aware of what might be a problem in this reader’s family, and the OP should (and seems to be, good job OP!) be understanding of the need to balance those concerns with maintaining contact with the younger relative.

  78. Loopy*

    I am very suddenly bedridden due to twisting in my sleep and causing significant back pain and extremely limited mobility. I can’t sit without pain and can’t walk. I can stand only with support for short periods. I can’t get anywhere near dressing myself. This is scary. I am so grateful I don’t live alone, and my husband can help with this level of assistance (like getting dressed).

    I’ve never had such a painful and sudden loss of mobility. Only laying flat on my back is pain free and comfortable. We tried the one chiropractor open weekends and he admitted having little experience with people in a lot of pain and wasn’t able to do much. The car ride was miserably uncomfortable and now I’m back in bed.

    Going to contact my normal chiro Monday who I like a lot and I think will be able to handle and treat the level of pain and limited mobility better, but until then does anyone have tips for keeping occupied when laying flat on your back?
    Even being in a recliner isn’t an option. I’m on my phone but just so unused to this and looking for tips and encouragement.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      Does laying on your front hurt?

      My hip injury is twinging from work and stress and then I pulled weeds 2 days in a row so my my friggin BUTT hurt!

      So the only thing that works for me is laying on the floor on my front to watch tv. But if it’s your upper back, the front wouldn’t be much help.

      Anyway i found the flat floor easier than my soft bed. It’s also been like 5 months since sitting properly in a chair has not hurt.

      1. Loopy*

        Oh I hadn’t considered laying on my stomach since I’m not sure how I’d feel propping myself up. Moving around is such a slow, nerve-wracking process that I’ll have to try it when I know I’ll be watching for a while. Thanks for the suggestion. It is my lower back so it might be an option.

        1. fposte*

          The best turning over technique (often also useful for getting out of bed), btw, is the log roll. Don’t try to prop anything with your arms; just keep your spine straight and your arms against your body.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Can you set up a laptop to stream tv? When my back went kerblooey I spent a LOT of time flat on my back (or propped up just slightly, like on a second pillow). Watching TV from bed saved my sanity. Getting the laptop positioned is a challenge — I put it on a box a few feet away from me on the bed, so it was high and far enough I didn’t need to crane my neck down. (Now I totally understand those corner-TV mounts in hospital rooms.)

      I’m so sorry. Beyond the pain, it’s draining and disorienting to be so limited. I hope your chiropractor can help.

    3. Pennyworth*

      The Mayo Clinic has a slide show of back exercises (just search Mayo Clinic back exercises) and I have always found the lower back rotational exercise and the lower back flexibility exercise incredibly helpful when I have your typle of back pain. Can both be done lying on the bed. The rotation one in paticular got me back to normal after two sets, about six hour apart. If you do all the exercises daily they are intended to help prevent back pain. Good luck, back pain is so debilitating!

  79. tiasp*

    I have a couple black shirts and pants that have bleach stains on them (a few drops or drips each). Has anyone ever had any luck dying over a bleach stain?

    1. Ellie Mayhem*

      I just use a black Sharpie and go over the spots again every few washings. I’ve never had good luck with re-dying things.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      I’ve have no luck trying to re-color bleached clothes. I’ve tried Sharpies, too.
      You can try patches or embroidery to cover the spots, if appropriate.
      Hope you come up with something!

    3. WS*

      On black clothing yes, on anything else no. I go over it with a Sharpie and then iron it to set the colour. I tried it on a purple shirt and couldn’t it get anywhere near dark enough.

    4. tiasp*

      Thanks. I once had a sharpie that was specifically for laundry. I’ll try to find one of those, although I’ve noticed that with a sharpie, the black looks different (maybe shinier) than the rest of the fabric. Guess I’ll just have to be more careful! I use a little bleach with my towels to keep them from getting that mildew smell and I have a problem with dripping it on myself. Read somewhere else recently that someone uses vodka for that – starting to think might be worth the cost of the vodka if it meant I stopped ruining clothes!!

  80. Policy wonk*

    I had something similar happen a few years ago. The only thing that helped was a muscle relaxant and bed rest. Call your regular Dr. for a prescription and go to bed for a few days. Wish there was a shortcut, but there just isn’t. Hope you feel better.

    2. Loopy*

      Thanks! I don’t have health insurance until May 1, so am hoping to eek by until then with just bed rest and ibuprofen!

      1. anonnygoat*

        I second the muscle relaxant. Ask the pharmacist for recommendations; there should be something you can get without a prescription. I hope you are better soon!

  81. Trixie*

    If I wasn’t motivated before to do my taxes, I am now.

    “The IRS urges taxpayers who are owed a refund to file as quickly as possible.”

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Best: it was sunny today with no snow after snow for three days in a row. (Also, found my fortune cookie fortune collection!)

      Worst: Going in to Costco to buy groceries for parents and about having a panic attack from people who don’t that it’s six feet, not six inches.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Best: we got our stimulus bucks and have been scheming about what we’re going to do with it — there are lots of local charities doing great work and we want to make sure our money goes somewhere it can get into the hands of people who need it as quickly as possible.

      Worst: it’s just relentless, all this stuff, man. Just no breaks. And I did something to my neck and it HURTS.

    3. 653-CXK*

      BEST: Got the stimulus check Wednesday, all monies got booted to the savings account; payday was yesterday, most of the monies got booted to the savings account.
      WORST: A little restless and anxious to get outside, but that will be resolved tomorrow.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: Still safe, still healthy (so far). Also, I went to a comedy show online last night! A club in L.A. did a Zoom show with a comedian I follow on Twitter as headliner. You bought the ticket and they sent a link before the show and then the audience and the comics did everything from their living rooms.
      It was fun. I wish I could have been in L.A. to see it and there was no pandemic, but maybe that will happen another day.

      WORST: Everything else. :P

    5. StellaBella*

      Best: walking a lot in my neighbourhood, and near farmland. I heard crickets yesterday! I also saw a crow chasing in the trees a squirrel!
      Worst: Insurance paperwork stuff. Just ugh!

    6. AnonyNooooon Lady*

      Best: Zoom chat with friends
      Worst: Hubs sick with a virus

      He’s type 1 diabetic, with nonstop coughing and a month of low grade fever, plus overall achiness and slight ketones; he went to urgent care (they don’t take insurance) and they did 1. Rapid covid test (luckily negative) then 2. Longer Covid test and quarantining pending results.

      We feel so lucky he could get tested (the only reason was bc of his erratic blood sugar and ketones/diabetes because diabetics have a 7% chance of death if infected, as compared to 0.3% in a NYT article). High ketones=ER. He said 2 patients there were covid-positive which makes me worry he could pick it up while trying to get rid of this cough. But he says he was ushered away and wasn’t in the same room.

  83. Jessen*

    Anyone doing any fun classes or other learning? Not schoolwork/career advancement/other friday thread classes! Just for fun stuff. I’ve been using the break from being able to go in person to add an additional basic ballet class that I’m doing online (self-paced video). I really wanted to do something with a lot of stretching and posture involved that was not yoga.

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      If you like cooking, the Milk Street courses are available for free online until the 30th!

    2. leukothea*

      I’m researching the history of food in India, because so many recipes I see branded as “traditional” still involve tomatoes — a New World crop. My teen and I like to do historical theme meals every so often, and pre-New World Indian cuisine is next on the list. I’m reading “Indian Food: A Historical Companion” by A.K. Achaya, and watching “Raja Rasoi Aur Anya Kahaniyan” on Netflix.

      1. Jessen*

        Ooo you’ll have to share some recipes sometime! I have a huge interest in learning how people who weren’t well off lived their lives – what they wore, what they ate, all that sort of thing. But it doesn’t get recorded.

    3. The Witch of the Wilds*

      I’m learning to draw.

      It’s something I’ve always wanted to be good at but never had any success in actually doing. Earlier this week someone encouraged me to try following tutorials on YouTube and… I’m not that bad? I haven’t drawn anything original yet but, considering that I was previously resigned to the idea that I lacked the ability to draw anything, I’m fairly chuffed.

      I’ve also been doing Latin lessons on Duolingo for some time now and I think I’m ready to bust out the Wheelock’s and really dig in. It’s been years since I took Latin courses in school and I hadn’t forgotten nearly as much as I’d feared.

  84. Red Sky*

    Has anyone had good results subbing refined coconut oil for butter when baking? I’m intolerant to both dairy and palm products, so both butter and vegan butters are out because 99% contain palm oil. I tried the Miyokos cashew based butter and it works well in pecan pie but not so well in choc chip cookies, not sure why. I was thinking about trying the Nutiva Butter Flavored Coconut Oil in some bakes but thought I’d check with the bakers here first as y’all have been really helpful with gluten-free baking tips and advice!

    1. HBJ*

      I sub oil and butter for each other all the time, mostly coconut and olive oil. It works fine.

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      I use coconut oil as a substitute for butter regularly. I’m not remembering if I’ve used it in individual cookies, but use it in brownies, other bar cookies, and quick breads all the time. I’ve used it occasionally in pie crusts instead of butter. That is possible, but the room temperature has to be just right to hit the balance between it being too hard to work and too melty. For most baking, I melt the coconut oil to measure it and mix it in for ease, even if the recipe calls for the butter to be solid and it seems to work out. I’m also baking gluten free.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      I dunno: canola oil, corn oil, peanut oil, lard?
      Coconut oil is almost pure saturated fat which bothers me. (I don’t use lard either, TBH.)
      There’s gotta be a baking advice line somewhere! Betty Crocker to the rescue?
      Good Luck.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Butter and shortening are mostly saturated fat, too, that’s why they’re solid at room temp. It’s ok, it’s a treat.

        Op: coconut oil will work but may give you a flatter cookie.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I use refined coconut oil as a 1-to-1 substitute for butter in baking that doesn’t require a buttery flavor or a light texture. I’ve used it in brownies, cookies, and heavy cakes. It makes a denser product than butter would, and adds a pleasant, mild coconut flavor. I’ve never tried the butter-flavored one, but personally I’d be skeptical.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I had not-great results subbing coconut oil for butter when making omelettes. Butter kind of blends into the egg and makes things creamier, and the coconut oil stayed more separate so the eggs were more likely to be a bit rubbery. I don’t remember any issues with baking (but I don’t think I did much baking with it – most of my baking is savory and it would be kind of odd in most of those recipes) and it worked fine with potatoes as long as you don’t mind a coconut note to the flavor. (I was doing turmeric-spiced oven fries with coconut oil for a while, which were pretty tasty but kind of messy to prep.)

      My suspicion is that it would probably be fine in any recipe when Crisco would be fine, but might be somewhat disappointing in recipes that really wanted butter. I’d think it would work particularly well with fruity or tropical type baking (coconut cakes, pineapple upside cake, and so on) since a coconut note would be welcome there.

      I’ve never used butter flavored or refined coconut oil, though. I buy the unrefined in big jars at Costco.

  86. Teacher’s Wife*

    I have a question about FSA accounts. If this is too “worky” please delete. Anyway, my husband is signing up for health insurance for his new school district. Our 27-year old son lives with us while he works on his master’s degree. We pay for his health insurance as he was a substitute teacher (not eligible for school ins). If I could pay for his health ins via the pre-tax dollars in an FSA, that would be nice. The school is telling us that’s not possible. Is it possible? Thanks!

    1. Book Lover*

      That is correct. You can use it to pay coinsurance and deductibles but not for premiums.

      1. Teacher’s Wife*

        So I could use it for his prescriptions? His ins plan doesn’t cover prescriptions and he has an expensive inhaler. That alone would be awesome!

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I believe you can only use your FSA to pay for your own expenses, not his. He would need his own FSA. I mean, as far as I know it shouldn’t matter who actually puts out the money, but you can’t claim his prescriptions on your account.

          1. Kage*

            The bigger issue is that your FSA can only be used for your children during years when they are 26 or under. At 27, he’s already too old.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      There is info on the irs dot gov website that explains how an FSA works and what is deductible.

      Look for publications 969 and 502.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Your 27 year old son is probably not your dependent for tax purposes, so I don’t think you’d be able to use FSA money on anything for him, regardless if its usually allowed.

      1. Lifelong student*

        Anyone- even non related- can be a dependent if certain requirements are met. The person must live with you the whole year- all 365 days, be supported by you, and have income under a specified (very low) level. It is a matter of facts and circumstances- and perhaps not well known except by tax geeks like me!

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Agreed. If the son is getting scholarships, grants, etc for that master’s degree though, there’s a good chance they’ll push things over the edge into not meeting the dependent criteria.

  88. Sadness about covid*

    so frustrating.

    nothing is available in stores. cannot find yeast or flour anywhere, and on amazon the prices are extremely high.

    my spouse said that this can last forever. in dead seriousness. 1 year, 10 years 20 years etc. Nothing will ever get back to normal. normal life is over forever.

      1. Sadness about covid*

        New York. We’re #1 on many lists of being hard hit. It’s bad here in every way.

    2. BRR*

      A lot of bakeries are selling baking staples. I would check with those are you if they’re still open.

    3. Anonnington*

      I hear you. The stores in my area have reduced their hours, reduced their inventory, and raised their prices. A lot of basics are out of stock on Amazon. So I got a fishing rod and started gardening. I’m preparing to provide for myself and my dog if the worst case scenario plays out.

    4. nep*

      Try restaurants who are doing carry out. Heard a piece on NPR yesterday that some restaurants are selling bags of flour in addition to their usual fare.
      (Agree–whatever normal was, it’s done. This can be good in many ways, not so much in other ways.)

      2. Filosofickle*

        By me in CA we’re still having a very hard time finding yeast/flour in stores, but several restaurants, cafes, and bakeries near me are selling it as part of their “menu”. They’re really going all in too, creating full grocery offerings of eggs, meat, coffee, veg, even booze. They’re leveraging their commercial suppliers, which helps them and us.

    5. fposte*

      Sounds like your spouse tends toward the pessimistic. Here’s what I’d say. “Normal” is always changing; it changed after the polio epidemic, it changed after vaccine availability for common childhood illnesses, it changed after the AIDS epidemic, and it changed after the invention of the silicon chip. There was no “before” that was gotten back to, but life absolutely was normal again. Will we live life heedless of our vulnerability to a pandemic, our global interconnectedness, and the fragility of our supply chain again? Hopefully not. Will we have a life where babies get born, people fall in love, we get to see each other in person, learn things, earn a living, and have enough to eat? Yes, I’m pretty sure we will.

      Maybe also we as Americans will learn it’s not our right to have whatever we want when we want it

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Maybe also we as Americans will learn it’s not our right to have whatever we want when we want it

        YES!

        1. fposte*

          That actually ended up as curt–it was going to get finished and I forgot. I’m right up there with the instant gratification, so I feel the loss of it too, but I think we can adjust there.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            You’d remember: gas rationing; the coffee shortage; the sugar shortage… what am I missing? For a while there something was always short. We got through these things and some how never had to deal with these problems again.

        2. Sadness about covid*

          I spent time in another country where resources are hard to come by and I was so frustrated at how hard it was to get anything. And it was in the best of times. I’ve been spoiled by living in the US and having everything at my fingertips.

      2. Lyra*

        I really appreciate this perspective. Despite everything, we humans are remarkably resilient and adaptable.

      3. blackcat*

        “There was no “before” that was gotten back to, but life absolutely was normal again.”
        I wish I could do clapping emojis here.

        I spent part of my day talking to my 94 year old grandmother. She is rightfully frustrated with her retirement community allowing no visitors and is lonely, but she pointed out she had lived through a great many harder things, and she genuinely doesn’t know why everyone is complaining about having to stand in line to get into the grocery store. She’s lived through food rationing before and her attitude is that you adjust. Adjusting gets much harder as you get older, in a lot of ways, but we can adjust nonetheless.

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If your spouse is prone to depression, that might actually be a sign of a bigger problem. Because that sounds a great deal like hopelessness.

      1. Sadness about covid*

        Rare, momentary outburst. We can’t all be positive and rational 100% of the time.

        1. Jennifer Juniper*

          I see COVID-19 as an opportunity to adopt an attitude of gratitude. I am grateful I have the privilege of living in a city where the mayor has extended the lockdown to May 15th at least, closed the schools for the rest of the year, and has ordered everyone to stay home.

          1. Temperance*

            Eh, I think it’s okay to admit that this really sucks, and we miss being able to spend time with friends, go out to dinner, go to the office.

          2. Sadness about covid*

            Good for you Jennifer but not everyone can be positive and grateful all the time. Please stop with the toxic positivity.

            1. Jennifer Juniper*

              I am coming from a place of privilege because I am a stay at home wife. I apologize for not acknowledging this in my initial post.

              1. Jennifer Juniper*

                I also am depressed. However, I was feeling guilty for being depressed when I am extremely fortunate.

                1. Sam I Am*

                  Gratitude is important. Recognizing the good things in your life is important. Once can’t simply say “don’t feel guilty about xyz” and make it come true but I hope you know rationally that there is no cause for feeling guilt because you have a medical condition.

            2. Cabin Fever*

              That seems a little harsh. Expressing gratitude, acknowledging privilege, and sharing own’s perspective aren’t “toxic positivity.”

    8. Wishing You Well*

      Uh…what’s normal?
      Every major event in human history altered what was normal to a new normal. We adapt and then adapt again.
      Many people worldwide are working overtime to get us treatments and a vaccine for COVID-19.
      We can do this. Hang in there.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. There are way too many people out there who benefit from our consumerism and general busyness. Let’s call these people TPTB. They will move things along in some unexpected ways. Historically, I am thinking of the Great Depression where TPTB of that time poured money into the economy to get it going. It was in their best interest. No big conspiracy theory here, just a statement about human nature. There are too many people who benefit from “normal”.

    9. Jules the First*

      I’m holding on to this lovely golden nugget of goodness buried in amongst all this crap: when it became clear that we had to choose between protecting human lives and protecting the economy, by and large, we chose humans.

      It’s not much in the worst moments (I’m in London, but have been watching this unfold for months thanks to friends in China, Italy and Spain), but knowing that all around the world millions of people are deliberately making their own lives suck for the sake of complete strangers is a pretty staggeringly awesome thing when you stop to think about it. So I do; every day I take two minutes to meditate briefly on everything everyone is doing to get us through this: the healthcare staff, but also the supermarket shelf stacker and the truck drivers and the fruit pickers and the cleaners and security guards and garbagemen who are going bravely to work to keep the world running, and the ordinary couples who are trying to raise two toddlers and work two jobs remotely or the roommates suddenly discovering that three bedrooms and a spacious living room is really not enough space for five humans working from home, or the newly unemployed trying to figure out a new career in the midst of all this, and the grandparents learning to play with their grandchildren through screens, and the folks living alone who haven’t touched a human in weeks. And small as it is, that little warm glow of knowing that everyone is out there on their own, doing their best to protect other people, has so far turned out to be enough to get through the darkest hours.

      Life as we knew it might indeed be over, but how fortunate are we to be the ones who get to define what life will look like for the generations that follow us? To mould a different world, one that cares more about humans and less about millionaires, one that values those jobs that can’t be done from our sofas? To be awesome once meant both to be terrifying and to be wonderful…we are living in awesome times, both full of fearful change and of terrifyingly good opportunities to make radical change happen. Be brave, be kind, and always know where your towel is. ;)

      1. Sadness about covid*

        That’s a really beautiful way to look at it. I’ve been trying to be positive for as long as possible but some days are too much. It makes me so angry that with everyone doing so much, there are still those who don’t believe that this is real and are protesting and think it’s a hoax and are making it worse for everyone else.

        1. Jules the First*

          Yeah, I find myself angry a lot. I decided a few weeks ago that being positive was too much to ask of myself, so I’ve decided instead that I have to have hope. I can be angry, I can be down, I can be upset, but if I can cling on to a little hope that something good will come, I can manage.

        2. Blueberry*

          I hear you. And we should both listen to Jules the First, whose comment was very well said.

      2. Perstephanie*

        I saw a National Geographic photo once years ago, somewhere war-torn. It was of a refugee camp. All you could see was rows upon rows of tents, stretching off into the distance . . . and in the middle of it, a bunch of kids, playing soccer. They were clearly having a blast.

        It made me think of the power of the normal — of the intensity of our human desire to thrive, wherever we are. Even if the world is bleak — especially if the world is bleak — we will always find a shared laugh, a moment of peace, good food, a nap, a soccer game to play. A way to just be regular and happy. To hope. No matter what happens, thriving will sneak out around the edges somehow.

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thank you! I will return to and re-read your comment again later this evening. Also your one below in which you say that you can manage–even amidst other emotions such as anger and gloom–if you can hang on to a sense of hope.

  89. nep*

    Anyone have experience using electronic-signature waivers? Think for fitness/personal training. I taught group ex pre-pandemic. For now I’m hosting online chats for regulars from my class, just for whoever wants to to check in and say hey. I’m going to start leading an online workout with them, but I don’t want it to be through the workplace. (I’ve been trying to move away from there anyway.) I know I should have insurance for it–looking into that as well. But I do want participants to electronically sign a waiver. I see a zillion sites / templates for electronic-signature waivers. I always prefer to hear from someone who’s used something, and especially to learn if there’s something very commonly used and obvious that I’ve not heard of.
    Thanks for any insights, recommendations.

    1. university minion*

      Are you talking about a pdf that a participant can electronically sign, or a cloud-based platform that handles registration, waiver, payment, etc?
      If the former, constructing a form in Adobe Pro is really simple.
      If the latter, runsignup.com is a really good platform and has excellent customer service.

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        Sorry – I should have specified that I’ve only used the option to upload a document for signature, but it looks like there are also templates on the site you can use.

    3. Catherine*

      When I’ve done this, I’ve had to draft it myself and run it by my company’s counsel, but we handle the actual signing via DigiSigner.

  90. Seeking Second Childhood*

    So I’ve been the one doing the grocery runs and all, because I’m lower risk than my husband. Thus week I’ve been so down and low energy with a “probably allergies” cough that I got my husband to come with me– partly that’s because he had to go out anyway to get a prescription from a new pharmacy. Pharmacy drive-throughe & gas station, he’s rolling his eyes and telling me I’m so stressful to be shopping with. (Well, you could drive!) Then we got to the grocery store…his first direct experience with empty shelves, increasing prices, and item limits. Plus following arrows in the aisles, not passing in aisles, not touching the touchscreen, and keeping the pantry groceries in different bags so they can be kept separate 5 days. Now he understands why I’m so drained when I come home–and he stopped sighing over me using the beer fridge to segregate perishables for 5 days.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Glad your husband saw what you’re going through.
      Grocery shopping is intense these days.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thank you for saying this! I’ve been wondering why I come home drained after “only” buying groceries. Masked people everywhere doing social distancing aka playing dodge ’em with grocery carts; expected and unexpected empty shelves; toilet paper and paper towels practically under lock and key like other controlled substances…
        In short, numerous & mostly unpleasant reminders that we now inhabit verrry strange times. Why wouldn’t that be intense and stressful?!

    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      I hear you. Grocery shopping is exhausting for me as well. People are tense, employees (understandably) even more, food is scarce, alleys are narrow and you need not to wander around (not my usual place, I don’t know the layout), and cashing out is the worst. I mean, there’s a cardboard wall in the front the cashier.
      Even at home I am pissed when the company advertises “we support local organic farmers” on social networks when in reality, in the rare case there’s a local and organic product the price is twice its (imported and already inflated) competitor beside it.

  91. Anonnington*

    I’ve been making fitness a huge priority this week. Walking several miles a day and lifting weights.

    My vegetable garden is growing well. All kinds of greens are sprouting. I should have food to harvest in a few weeks.

    I just need to budget in more time for all my other projects. That’s the only hard part.

    And, ugh, the loneliness is starting to hit. I didn’t have a huge social life pre-pandemic, but now it’s been so long since I just talked to someone face to face, laughed together – anything. I thought, “I’m a loner. This will be fine.” But sometimes it really serks. And social media is like a mirage – you go there to connect with people, but it ends up being more alienating and depressing than anything else.

    The whole thing does seem to be creating kind of a bond between the neighbors, though. I find myself having friendlier, more genuine conversations with people when we do talk.

    The stress is getting to me. It’s making me less productive. I need to bust through that and be more positive. I think continuing to work out a lot will help.

  92. GigglyPuff*

    So I’ve totally splurged and bought a foldable kayak. I started kayaking a few years ago, basic stuff, and love it, but there aren’t a lot of rental places near me. Mostly all guided stuff. I live in apartment that’s already full of stuff and have a small car, so never thought I could. I knew about inflatable ones but I’m plus size so that didn’t seem like the best idea.

    Then this weekend I ran across Tucktec kayaks and they have a Kickstarter until tomorrow, so it’s cheaper than their usual ones. I feel stupid about the money though, $300, I have just enough in savings but my rational side is asking if this is the best idea in this climate. But I haven’t bought myself something big in a long time and it’s my birthday soon, and I know it’ll make me so happy if it works out.

    (They also have a 90 day return policy if it doesn’t work out!)

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I’ve thought about kayaking; I used to love it as a kid, when plastic kayaks were just coming in. A foldable one sounds amazing.

    2. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Yes! This is awesome, thank you, I just hopefully got mine also by pledging. So excited, thanks for the info! This has pretty much made my entire weekend!

  94. Siberian Kitten Lady*

    Ever since my kitten got neutered, I notice he’s started doing biscuits (kneading) on blankets before he sleeps on it. I think it’s cute but did anyone notice similar/other behavior once your cat got neutered?

    2. Sandra*

      My boy cat is 3 years old. I got him at PetSmart 1 year ago. He was already neutered. He loves to make biscuits, on me! He is VERY serious about it.
      After 10 minutes I have to push him away. He is the most loving cat I’ve ever had He lies nestled up to me whenever I’m seated or lying down.
      ——
      I’ve had only one other boy cat. I got him as a kitten and had him neutered. He made biscuits less as he grew older.

  95. Winter Cactus*

    I did a shift packing food for delivery at the food bank today (I’m not high risk and the need is extremely high in my area). I was wearing a mask I made out of a double layer of quilting cotton the whole time and I almost passed out – stars in my vision and everything. I absolutely cannot breathe in that thing. Does anyone know of any tips or recommendations for actually being able to breathe in a mask?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I think you need a different mask. I am claustrophobic and covering my nose and mouth is really difficult for me, and the only mask that has worked for me is a very breathable one, a runner’s mask made of fPam rubber or something. It tore and I’m back in a scarf for the time being. Double quilting cotton pulled tight against your face sounds pretty stifling!

    2. RagingADHD*

      Does yours have ties or elastic?

      I made mine with ties of Tshirt fabric, so they’re stretchy. And I foubd that I could get a more secure fit without tying it so tight by crossing the ties.

      So top right tied to bottom left, and vice versa. It stays in place much better and is more snug around my chin, but I don’t feel like it’s cutting my nose in half.

  96. Anono-me*

    You may want to discuss with your mother the possibility that this girl’s father may object to some of the books and possibly restrict her access. I would suggest being careful about how risque the cover art is. I would also be careful about books that have possibly been discussed negatively in whatever social groups the father is a member of. (Most libraries have list of banned books and who is trying to ban them.)

    If this is a concern, your mother might want to start out with some books like:

    Pride and Prejudice by Jane Eyre
    Ride the River by L’Amour
    The Outsides by S. E. Hinton
    Any good biography of Clara Barton

    1. Anono-me*

      Oops. I’m sorry. This is a nesting fail. It was intended as a reply to Foreign Octopus.

  97. Lemon Hurl*

    After trying to get deliveries from Safeway for the past 4 weeks without success, I was finally able to put in a delivery order for next Friday!
    Really looking forward to having ice cream again.

  99. Fiona*

    Anyone ever wore a binder? I have large breasts that I’ve always wanted the option to bind once in a while (a la Christina Ricci in Now and Then). I’ve heard they can cause damage so I want to be safe about it. This will probably a post-covid plan but I’m curious if anyone has any thoughts or experience to share.

    1. WS*

      There’s lots of online guides – minus18 has a good one including some cheap ways to try it out – but the basics are don’t do it all the time, don’t use constricting/conforming bandages, and don’t do it so tightly that it harms your breathing or causes numbness, because over time that can cause nerve damage.

    2. Jonah*

      If you buy the kind made for transmasculine people, just be aware that they’re typically incredibly tight and uncomfortable until you get used to them. If that’s what you decide to try, go up a size. I believe there are other, less extreme options specifically for women that are a bit looser. When you take it off, be sure to cough, take a couple deep breaths, and stretch your arms and shoulders. That can help if it has impacted your breathing (even if you don’t think it has), and that stretch will feel sooo good. Like WS said, don’t use compression bandages or sports wraps—they can be really dangerous. Good luck!

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      A baby step might be a sports bra if the issue is mainly bouncing or discomfort. Especially a really good sports bra.

      If you are looking for a more cosmetic fix (smaller appearing breasts), then I would look at the online resources for trans folks.

    4. Actual Vampire*

      I have fairly large breasts and I’m shocked by how much smaller they look (and feel!) when I wear a bralette (specifically the Calvin Klein one) instead of a bra. It’s not the same as binding, obviously, but it allows me to fit into narrow button-up shirts that I literally cannot wear with a normal bra.

      1. Selmarie*

        Which one do you like — they have several, and I’d like your experienced recommendation. :)

        1. Actual Vampire*

          Oh dear… whichever one is constantly half price at my local department store… I cut the tags out because they are itchy, so I don’t know exactly which one it is. Looking at the website I think it is the CK One Unlined Bralette. The one that is sports bra style (no triangles) and not racerback (my personal preference, I don’t like racerback).

    5. Tears of the mushroom*

      Gc2b has great options. You can size up if you are looking for less compression. Probably limit to 8-10 hours a day. My younger son has several of their products and they wear well.

    6. Anonnington*

      They’re great, but they all have drawbacks. I recommend getting a few different designs (if possible) and switching them up.

      I’m also large-chested. I notice that, depending on what I’m wearing, people either don’t notice that I’m binding at all or the exact opposite – they think I’m a dude. Going about my life passing as male for a day every so often has given me some interesting insights into society. I’ll leave it at that!

  100. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I hate weird dreams. Was sleeping peacefully and had a nice dream. Then I was driving on an upper highway and just fell off. Woke up instantly and felt my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

  101. LQ*

    CW

    I’m worried for alternate reality me. This sounds like a strange thing. But I don’t know how else to think of it. And they’re sort of on my mind a lot right now.

    Depressed, scared, alone, in lock down, no job to check in on them, no humans checking in enough to be worried. How many are dead in their homes that people don’t know about right now. I had an aunt die in her home and not be found for a few days until someone from work sent police to do a wellness check.

    So many medical issues that are noncovid that someone could have. So many accidents, slip and falls, people who cut themselves and are scared to leave their home. So much fear and depression and time alone to plan.

    I don’t know alternate reality mes. I only know non-mes.

    At this point in my life my job is classified as essential and people would notice. But at my last job? I could have gone for a few days with no one checking in. And that’s not counting if I’d been laid off, in which case I could go for 2-3 weeks without anyone worrying too much. I’m just not all that responsive normally. And I know it’s my fault. But the alternate reality me doesn’t deserve to die because of that and they are and I’m heartbroken over it. I don’t know them. I haven’t heard any stories about them. But I know they are out there and I’m sick about it. I wouldn’t even know how to make it better for alternate reality me, let alone others.

    1. Actual Vampire*

      I used to spend a lot of time worrying about Alternate Reality Me and I didn’t really realize how unhealthy it was until my therapist addressed it with me. Worrying about Alternate Reality You doesn’t help you, nor does it help anyone who might be in Alternate Reality You’s situation. Focus your energy on real reality: making sure Real You is ok and taking care of whoever you feel compelled to take care of in real life. And be kind to your (real) self!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Our own worries about our own vulnerably can morph into worries about other people’s vulnerability. An almost surreal feeling can come with hearing stories of others. It feels so personal and so distant all in the same stroke.

      Do you have someone around you who would be willing to do regular check-ins with you? You could take turns calling each other. I’ll share that my 81 y/o neighbor checks on ME, too. This check-in stuff is a two way street regardless of age.

      I dunno if the Postal Service still offers it- but it used to be that people could sign up for a “check-in” service. If the mail carrier sees that you have not picked up your mail from yesterday, the carrier notifies someone for a welfare check. My father had this service.

      Your community might have a group of volunteers willing to do stuff. We have such a group here. Folks are willing to do anything from running errands to just calling someone. One person volunteered to make silly faces at people through their windows so they would laugh. (I’m not going where you think I might be going here, hang on…) I’d like to suggest that maybe you could join one of the volunteer groups. This would put you connecting with (helping)others and you would have people checking on you in the course of doing this work. You’d get to do something to address both sides of your concerns here.

      Maybe others will some ideas also.

  102. Heel pain*

    Ow ow ow. I’m hurting from self-diagnosed Achilles tendinitis. Since the quarantine I’ve been working out daily and three weeks ago my heel started to really hurt. Reading up on heel pain, the tendinitis description totally fit- especially the part about it happening to middle aged people who suddenly increase their exercise! Lol.

    So, I don’t do any jumping or running. I take Advil when it really hurts. I’m doing stretches for Achilles daily. I tried ice but that doesn’t do much. Any other ideas? Just walking around the house hurts a lot!

    1. Jennifer Juniper*

      Try putting heat on it. That may help.

      If you have health insurance, you may have a 24/7 nurse hotline as one of your benefits. They should be able to help.

    2. 00ff00Claire*

      I think ice might not do much for the pain right off, but it could help with inflammation. If you can take it, Aleve (naproxen) might work better than Advil and last longer. I had tendonitis in college and was prescribed a higher than OTC dose of naproxen for several days. It must have gotten pretty bad since I saw campus health about it – I’m sure the care was actually competent there but they still had a certain reputation and you only went if you were desperate or needed a prescription. So, I would also say if this has been bothering you for three weeks, think about seeing your/a doctor if that’s an option for you and you can do so remotely – get a telemedicine appointment / use an online portal that you could contact the doctor through. Hope you are able to find some relief!

    3. RagingADHD*

      I am prone to tendonitis and other inflammation issues. This is the very best protocol I’ve found:

      1) Don’t just take NSAIDs when it hurts – keep on a regular dosing schedule for at least 2 weeks, preferably 30 days.

      2) Do your stretching routine and massage the area thoroughly (a good 5 minutes or more) before you get out of bed in the morning, when you go to bed at night, and at least 1-2 x during the day.

      3) Ice the area several times a day and at bedtime (I would do this in conjunction with stretching & massage).

      4) For foot stuff in particular, wear supportive, cushioned shoes whenever your feet touch the floor, for at least a month.

      The temptation is to slack off when it starts feeling better, but you need the full time to heal. The damage is gradual, so if you are slack about it, you’ll get nagging pain for months.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I find that I’ll start feeling better in a week or less with this plan. But if you stop too soon it comes back.

      2. Heel pain*

        Thank you! I’ve been trying to ration the Advil in case Covid strikes (Who now says it’s ok to take nsaids) but walking is important too.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Gentle stretching–don’t push it at all. Wear a shoe with a slight heel in the house for now to give your Achilles some rest. When you start feeling better, look for information on eccentric calf strengthening.

    5. Fikly*

      I had this. The only thing that helped was to never wear shoes with backs.

      The good news is, the pain went away pretty quickly.

      The bad news is, it took 3-4 years before I could wear shoes with backs again.

    6. Ronda*

      the doctor gave me this when mine wasnt going away.
      It had improved but still was painful.

      Wear when you sleep. It was bulky, so I would not often wear it all night, but it helped a lot.
      https://www.amazon.com/BraceAbility-Fasciitis-Adjustable-Tendonitis-Stretching/dp/B01GSEP876?ref_=fsclp_pl_dp_2
      I do think a very sturdy one as this one looks to be does make a difference, I had a flimsy one for travel and it did not work as well.

      I am also experimented with heel lift in shoes and lately with arch supports. (as it still flares up) They seem to provide some relief too.

      1. Heel pain*

        I have such a brace left over from having PF in the other foot a few years ago. Sounds like it’s time to dig it out!

  104. Rebecca*

    Greetings from central PA, it’s a beautiful day after our snowstorm Friday night. Yes, we had several inches of snow! Thankfully it melted off by last night and today is sunny, clear blue skies, and heading toward 60 degrees. I have laundry out on the line!!

    I’m working on an order for grocery pickup for next Saturday as Walmart’s pick up slots are booked almost a week in advance. I’m going to get a slot, order the basics, and modify before the deadline to add anything else that might pop up. I had to go in the store this AM. Was amused at people wearing paper surgical type masks with their noses sticking out. Sighs. And what is it about people NOT BEING ABLE TO STAY 6′ away??? There are signs, arrows, etc. but it’s like lalalalalalala I can’t see/hear you! Sorry for the rant, but I just don’t get it.

    I had a really productive day yesterday. There’s a spare bedroom on the second floor here, and it was packed with stuff, as in, you could barely open the door. Yesterday, I took everything out, got rid of things, organized, put stuff away, organized a storage area, dusted, vacuumed, etc. and now I have a nice area for a potential home office. I had to leave two dressers in there, Mom has them packed with stuff, but they’re not huge and they can be left along the wall. I also added a floor lamp (cleaned up, was in storage) with a smart outlet so I can turn it on and off remotely. Now I’m on the hunt for a decent computer desk that isn’t heavy, that I can put together, as I don’t want to try to get a full desk up two flights of stairs.

    There’s also a sewing room, man talk about disorganization there too, so I tidied it up as best I could, and tackled the sewing machine. It’s a Pfaff (?) from the 1970’s or 1980’s. Mom said it didn’t work, that it was frozen up, etc. and I said, let me oil it, I’m sure that’s all it needs. Oh man, she tossed a fit, and went on and on about how expensive it was, how only 1 person in State College can work on it, and she just needs to get it to him, and that I could never make it work again, and I’m not to touch it…well, I touched it, I was right, it needs to be oiled, but I got it running and it sews just fine. I fixed two cloth reusable grocery bags yesterday, too. And no, I didn’t tell her, but I’m going to find machine oil in the garage and oil it properly. I’m hoping to be able to sew a proper mask or two.

    So no cleaning person this week, and Mom drove herself the 5 miles to the doctor’s office because I refused to take her for an appointment when she wasn’t having any problems (other than all the normal ones that she won’t solve). She wasn’t happy, but she did it. She’s also not happy about lack of special grocery items that she prefers, certain brands, price points, etc. and honestly I’m tired of it. We have plenty of food to eat. Is it exactly what we prefer? Sometimes not. But it’s food, there is fresh and frozen fruit and vegetables, meat, dairy, all the basics. Her latest kick is that now she wants only California extra virgin olive oil, because she read an article someplace about something in it wards off Alzheimer’s, and in her words, “you have to use only olive oil from California, not that stuff they send us from foreign countries”. End Quote. Honestly she makes me tired.

    Aside from that, and this social distancing stuff, which is wearing on me, I will admit, everything else is OK. The weather will get better, we’ll get a handle on this virus stuff, things will get back to some semblance of normalcy – eventually – and the next time this happens I’m sure we’ll all be better prepared. I made a mental list of things I want to put in my emergency supplies, like a pack of N95 masks, hand sanitizer, and a bottle of clorox.

    Hope everyone is doing OK! I’m going to get outside today again, the sun feels really good this time of year.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I just have to comment on Walmart and shopping in general. The first thing I noticed was how they roped off the front, so like cattle we have to go through this maze to get into the store. The maze requires everyone to walk across the front of the building almost twice before entering. why-why-why.
      I might begin to understand this long queue if there were more than four people entering the store at any time. But usually there are four or less people. I am wondering what people do if they have difficulty walking.

      Once in there, I like to get my stuff and get out. I know what I want and where it is. I try to follow the arrows. It’s impossible to pass a person in an aisle and still remain 6 ft away. But I cannot stand there for 15 minutes while a person decides between several products. So I end up passing them. Except when their cart is on one side of the aisle and they are on the other side and fully blocking the aisle. I try to give an extra minute, but dang I wanna get out of there.

      I think the thing that is most annoying is every store has different rules. There is one store that won’t let you bring in bags YET they insist on charging you if you use any bags. Just put it in the cart, I will bag it in the parking lot. Wait. They don’t have carts. (wth) Another store does not have bags at all, never did, but you still can’t bring in your own bags, so let you take their empty boxes. Yet another store the employees look at you like you are from outer space because you did not bring in your own bags. (com’on, REALLY? I guess they did not get the no-bag memo?) There’s places that do not accept cash, then other places still take cash…..Businesses are just doing their own thing it seems.

      Anyone who is looking to reduce their spending this oughta clinch it for them. The inconsistency between stores is enough to make me just get the barebone necessities and skip the rest. I have successfully reduced my grocery bill. The fatigue from having to mind-read what each store is doing is too much. This feels more like the era I grew up in, where people did not go to a store unless it was absolutely necessary. Some how shopping became a form of entertainment for our society but now, not so much anymore.

      1. Rebecca*

        Oh, so much this. And I have Walmart Supercenter, 2 Weis stores, and a Save A Lot to choose from. That’s it, unless I want to travel to other counties to buy groceries, and during a pandemic, that’s a not gonna do it answer. Weis is at least 30% more expensive than Walmart on many items. Still we have sold out items; I placed an order to pick up next Saturday at 1 PM just now at Walmart. I’m going to modify as the week goes on, but at least I have a spot. I went in person this AM, and you’re right, people stand there and you have to wait, or I was trying to get fresh vegetables and people walked right up within a foot or two and just stood there, looking, and I backed away and tried to stay 6′ away but it wasn’t always possible. And part of the freezer section, 4 full door units, was completely empty. So many things out of stock. I’m glad I’m not picky, but HRH, Her Royal Highness (aka my mother) is.

        1. Enough*

          Now that everyone in PA has to wear a mask to go grocery shopping I’m not that concerned about the 6 foot rule. Just don’t touch your face till you’ve washed your hands. So it’s put on mask, go out, come home, wash hands, take off mask, wash hands, wash face.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Now that they’re finally limiting the number of people in stores, I avoid Walmart. Mainly because of the line to get inside. I had my two back surgeries in March and it’s been month since the second one. While I’m getting around really well, I absolutely can’t stand in a line like that yet. I just skip it and we go to the grocery store. I haven’t yet seen a line outside yet.

        As far as bags go, one store will let you use your own as long as you bag it yourself. They’re also poorly stocked so we’re not going there right now. The other store, which seems to be much better stocked for whatever reason and prices are better anyway, makes you use their plastic bags without charge, which is nice.

        Our governor (CT) FINALLY signed the executive order to require face masks in public, which goes into effect tomorrow night at 8 pm; I feel like this should have been done a couple weeks ago, at least. The store I went to today has the sign up already that masks are required, but there are still people not wearing them and the store isn’t enforcing the rule yet. Though I guess technically they don’t have to until tomorrow night.

        At least people are finally starting to pay attention to the one-way aisle markers, though there were a few today that were just wandering around, going in the wrong direction.

        1. Jaid*

          Giant has a limit, but ShopRite and a bunch of smaller groceries don’t.

          I did have to laugh to see the line of cars on the street, out on a Starbucks run.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yeah, ShopRite is the store I’ve found to be the best stocked near me and not as busy as some others. There’s someone counting people as they come in, but I haven’t yet seen a line to get in. Given how many people were there yesterday, it seems like they’re not enforcing a limit–it was pretty busy.

        2. nonegiven*

          I keep getting trapped. I’m at the end of the aisle, I can’t go back, the aisle to the right goes the same direction so I can only go left or to the checkouts, but the checkouts are too close to the end so I have to ask someone in line to move.

    2. Tris Prior*

      OMG, I went for a walk today and there were SO many people who had their noses sticking out of their masks – or in some cases apparently had given up entirely on the concept and had the whole thing hanging around their neck like a necklace. Uh…. that is not how any of this works.

      I’m in a very large city and no one will stay 6 feet away from me. Of course, our city stores are often so cramped that the 6′ of space literally doesn’t exist. In one of our grocery stores, there’s literally no place to line up except right down the canned foods aisle. Sigh.

    3. My Brain Is Exploding*

      We are usually well-prepared in case of blizzard, tornado, etc. but I also added a few things to a mental list of what to have on hand! Also, I read/heard about the California olive oil, don’t remember where. Hope you have a good week!

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      @Rebecca ,
      That sounds so much like my mother. She’s on the phone with a relative daily and that relative gives her ideas for home remedies or OTC so she nags us to get it. and she’s very specific about food. normally its not an issue but not during a pandemic. She doesn’t drive and won’t go outside, which I suppose is a good thing.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      I am so impressed with the big clean up! Two rooms whipped into shape… major!

      Hear you on the store- I may have to try a Walmart slot next time. I had not been to the regular Costco since January. (there’s a business one close to me which caters to the restaurant, quick marts, and cleaning industries, basicalltk, got the car window repaired, and went to the regular Costco (a trek already). It took forever, at 2:30 in the afternoon on a weekday, to get in; to navigate (I was doing a list for myself and a friend, so I had to text pictures and make sure I had the right items, wait for burger to be ground, etc), then to get checked out.
      I probably will not be back for quite some time, so stocked up on vitamins and more.
      Next time… Walmart. Or I will cave in and use the senior hours (I qualify but had not really thought it through, I guess? )
      But other than fresh produce, I shouldn’t need much for a long time again. (another 4 weeks) Ugh. For this I took vacation from work!

  105. constant negativity is wearing on me*

    I am just feeling so heavy and need to vent. My mom is having a hard time but..she always has a hard time so it’s nothing new. I limit as much interaction as I can, but it’s like the more I limit, the worse she is, always whining and complaining or otherwise even at “neutral” she makes weirdly negative comments (i.e., I came downstairs and asked her what she cooked because it smelled nice, and she said vegetables. “it’s not meat because that’s all you eat.” wtaf??? I just ignored and walked away. (and I’m scared because I feel this pattern emerging in myself in my own interactions and I’m trying to tamper down on it).

    Her latest demand is that my husband take apart her bed and move it to the living room because it’s so cold in the room where she is. the living room is warmer. and if he doesn’t “you all are responsible for when I get sick.” He has a bad back and is the only one in the house who’s healthy. He doesn’t want me talking to her because from past experience, it’ll turn in to a cutthroat screaming match. I mean…..we already do pharmacy runs for her and take her to the Dr when in person appts were happening. The Dr Rx her medicine and she doesn’t like it or she doesn’t take them and then complains about feeling bad.

    Every time I see her, she just looks so….frail. and I feel sad and want to cry. But then she talks and I– I just …I can’t listen. Big part of me is angry at myself that I can’t be compassionate and sympathetic to my frail old mother and another part is like…. *shrugs* it’s not that complicated. it’s cold, turn up the heat, and we’ll pay the bill.

    1. Rebecca*

      Oh, hugs and commiseration from me! You have met my mother, too. She is also old and getting more and more frail, yet her attitude and nastiness make me want to just walk away and let her hire people she can abuse.

      Example, the other day I popped into the kitchen, and she was huffing and staring out the window, I asked, Mom, what’s wrong? Answer: everything is wrong, it’s all terrible and she started ranting. I asked her what was wrong this minute that I could help with, and she couldn’t even answer. She’s simply angry, nasty, and entitled, and nothing makes her happy. It could be raining gold coins and she’d complain that it was ruining the grass in the yard. My mother also makes snide comments about my food choices. The last time she did it, about a year ago, I simply stood up from the table, picked up my plate and utensils, and walked up to my room. I’ve been eating at the computer desk ever since. Not that there’s even a place at the table to eat now that she has it stacked with papers and who knows what.

      I think it helps to remember no matter what you do, whether it’s what she wants or not, it won’t be good enough in her eyes, she’s not going to change, and we are all doing the best we can under extremely difficult circumstances right now. Your husband has a bad back, and you are not able to do what she wants. That’s OK. Tell her no, and to put an extra blanket on the bed or turn up the heat, and leave it at that. She won’t get sick.

      I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, I know how hard it is.

      1. constant negativity is wearing on me*

        This sounds exactly like my mother. Thank you for the commiseration. I will never escape the snide food comments b/c we share a kitchen.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      That’s a horribly abusive pattern, trying to manipulate someone into doing what you want by saying the consequences of NOT doing it will be ALL THEIR FAULT. That was the pattern in my family growing up, particularly my father’s side of the family, although it was as much or more harassing/berating as guilt. Your mother is a grownup, it is a gift when you help her, but she is not your child, nor your responsibility. I’m sure you’re doing more than enough to see that she is safe and alive, but her whims are not crises just because she wants it to be so. And it’s not discompassionate to not give in to her manipulation.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Hard agree here. Set boundaries and keep those boundaries firmly in place.

        From watching my own mother I believe this type of behavior is a precursor to serious illness. It might take years to unfold but these here are examples of people so unhappy inside their own skin that they are ready to crawl right out of it. They have an inconsolable restlessness about them and what-oh-what is driving that restlessness.

        Think of it this way, where would we have to be in our heads to convince ourselves that this type of behavior is okay? I’d have to become someone who is no longer me. Healthy people want to be consoled, “Please tell me something-anything that I can hang on to and pull myself through this!” This is how healthy people approach difficulty. “I wanna get out of this mess!” It’s not normal to want to stay in our own messes.

      2. Rebecca*

        Totally agree! And when I tell my mother, OK, I see you’re upset or angry about something, and that’s OK, but if you can’t tell me what it is, or what you plan to do or need me to do to help, I’m not listening to this constant stream of negativity and complaining. She will then pull the old “well, I guess I just won’t talk at all then because all I do is complain!” I reply, OK, that’s up to you, if you need something and you can articulate it, let me know. I know other people think she’s this sweet little old lady but in reality, I’d rather be living with a black bear during quarantine.

      3. constant negativity is wearing on me*

        As we speak my husband is downstairs fixing her bed. I barely said anything when she started screaming that she’s old and frail and gets cold easily and the space heaters aren’t enough. Then she made a dig about my diet as usual (she thinks ice cold drinks are a huge health hazard).

        Part of this is my own cultural baggage at play where mothers are saints. Literally says “mothers are a blessing, everything they say and do is cute and out of love, you’re a monster if you get upset with your mother.”

        If I’m being positive, I thank God that I have my own room where I can stay and limit all my interactions.

    3. Zona the Great*

      Yep. That’s my father. About 4 weeks ago, he fell asleep at the wheel with no seatbelt on and lived. He was in ICU and then the trauma ward for a week. He emerged with a broken back and 4 broken ribs. He was given top notch care at the start of the COVID crisis. He literally hasn’t stopped complaining since. How dare they cut off my clothes. Now I have to buy more. How dare they charge me so much. They clearly don’t care about patients at all when they turn around and charge you so much. I can’t believe they gave me a biopsy on a tumor they found while I was in the hospital. How much will that cost me!??

  106. Free Meerkats*

    I posted last week about Mom in the hospital. She’s still there, but she’s out of ICU and eating on her own. Now just waiting to find out when she’s getting to go home. Sounds like a few weeks of live in physical therapy after hospital release. When she’s home, the siblings will likely take turns spending a week or two with her to help out the brother she lives next to.

    1. nep*

      Great she’s out of ICU and eating on her own!
      All the best. Wishing your mom a sound recovery.
      Peace

  107. Mimmy*

    Okay now I know this whole coronavirus thing is messing with my head. I just read a birth announcement on Facebook of a classmate of my husband–someone I’ve only met once–it gave me chills and I got teary-eyed.

    So wonderful to read amidst all the dark stuff (yes I know things are slowwwwly improving, but there’s a ways to go still).

  108. BLT*

    What wood would you use to make a planter + wooden light pole to hold string lights? You think 4 – 5 in of quikrete in the planter enough to support for the pole? The string lights are light in weight.

    I can purchase 8 ft dowels that are 1 – 1 1/2 in wide and those are $11-26 depending on width and wood type. I also saw 2 in x 4 in x 8 ft hem-fir treated lumber at less than $6 each, however it looks like this might bend/sag.

    1. Ranon*

      Are you planting food crops or just ornamentals? Pressure treated can leach icky stuff into soil so you’ll want a naturally sturdy wood like cedar or a plastic liner if you’re growing for consumption

      1. BLT*

        Just ornamentals! But you bring up something I didn’t consider. If I wanted to use the planters for herbs or anything edible, then I need to make the investment in wood that won’t poison me :)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Echoing cedar. A quick search of Gardeners Supply (Burlington Vt) shows they have a number of things made from cedar for planting. Usually GS is pretty sharp about the products they sell. I know cedar oil is used as an insecticide, so the natural oils of the wood might be beneficial that way.

        Also good to consider is locust. My friend has done wood working for decades, his go-to for rough use is locust. When he does fencing for farmers, he’ll cut down a few locust trees to build the fence. It’s worth the additional steps.

        I think I’d be careful about pouring quikrete into a wooden bucket. The sheer weight might burst the bucket or the additional weight of water in a heavy storm might burst the bucket. You could consider getting square or rectangular pieces of wood and screwing them to the outside of a bucket that has straight sides.
        If the pole has to be in the center of the bucket, I would consider bracing it in place with angle brackets on the bottom of the bucket before you fill it. which you can get at most hardware stores for a few bucks.

        Or you could scratch all this and consider some of the metal trellis and plant supports that are shown on the Gardener’s Supply website, but you can find them around at other places also. (Yeah, it’s a visual thing, my description here does not do these things justice. They are really nice.)

        The best advice I have is to go to a good nursery- not a box store- tell them what you are aiming to do and ask their advice. Probably a nursery that is a local biz and been around for years would be the place where people would work the hardest to give you the correct info. (They want you to come back!) Ace Hardware might also have good advice if they are near you.

  109. Jessen*

    Ok I could actually use a reality check here.

    I went a while back to a nutritionist to get help managing GERD. I expressed that I was having trouble managing to plan and deal with the diet, and a lot of times I’ll end up not eating because it’s too much to figure out planning and eating safe food. I mentioned that I have ADHD and I think this might be an issue. She gave me this meal plan that was very lovely and had these nice meals laid out for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I 100% guarantee I would never do any of it.

    Does anyone in the working professional category actually do that? Like fix a new full meal every day for dinner?

    1. Not A Girl Boss*

      I eat the same set of meals every single day for a week straight because I just cannot with complicated weeknight meals. It allows me to make “extras” so I only actually prep/cook every few days. Or meal prep on Sunday and freeze for the week. Plus it means I only have to shop for a short list.
      You could try taking her meal plan and doing that, so that really the plan lasts 5 weeks instead of 5 days.
      To keep things from getting too boring I plan special fun meals for the weekend. Saturday night date dinner, Sunday brunch, and then Sunday night is cheese plate night.

      1. Jessen*

        Most of it didn’t seem to be very amenable to scaling? I don’t know. Right now I’m less asking about dealing with the actual cooking issues and more the general sense that you are Failing At Being An Adult if you don’t have a full time job, a clean house, and 3 home cooked meals a day. You don’t even have kids, it should be easy!

        This seems to be a pattern for me. Where people will want to help, but only if I do the simple ((really complicated thing)) so they can help you with the difficult ((really easy thing)). And then they get frustrated with me for “rejecting their help” or “not even being willing to try” and I just cannot get across no matter what I say or how I say it that they’re not actually helping and I actually need help with the thing that everyone else seems to be able to just do.

        1. Anono-me*

          Oh Thbttyt to ‘them’ and their stupid ‘rules’.

          The three home cooked meals, the immaculate house, the perfect children, were all a dream, without help, even back in the day when one half of a couple usually was a house spouse. Most of the homes that had all of those things, either only existed on the Silver Screen or also had a hired girl &/or a ‘spinster aunt’.

          The cereal industry is thriving for a reason. Many people have cereal for breakfast or breakfast bar. Pick whatever is easy and gets You Through your morning. That is the purpose of breakfast and that is the part that’s important. So what if it’s a can of Ragu.*

          If you’re taking your lunch to work you have to be a little more circumspect. (No fish in the microwave.) We usually bring in leftovers from the night before or a cold sandwich with deli meat.*

          As to housekeeping, take a look at your house. Unless it brings you Joy or is useful in some fashion; gradually start getting rid of your high maintenance items or rearranging them to be less maintenance. (All of our important little fussy dust catcher things are in one big hutch that is so much easier to dust. When we replace our blinds, we went with vertical instead of horizontal.) Don’t try and do everything all at once. The object is to make less work for yourself, not more. Just when you start to clean something ask yourself if you want/need it enough to spend the next few minutes cleaning it and to keep cleaning it every week or two or if you would rather throw it away. And if you choose to replace something, ask yourself ‘What the lowest maintenance option that works for me?’.

          * obviously for your meals you would need the food that was gerd friendly also.

        2. Not a Girl Boss*

          There’s nothing “wrong with” a busy professional not being able to cook every day. Most of America does not work and cook every day. Of course, most of America has health problems related to food. But it doesn’t make you a “bad adult” it makes you “a human with human challenges just like the rest of us.” I was raised on a farm, cooking tons of food from scratch. I have no children. I am a psycho about eating healthy and exercising. And I still cannot with cooking every day.

          If nothing else, it could just be that its wayyyy too big a step to go from “never cooking” to “cooking all the days” and any experienced health professional should know that. Its like throwing a 5 year old into calculus.

          I’m honestly just annoyed with your nutritionist. If you wanted a fancy one-size-fits-all impossible meal plan, you could have bought a book on Amazon. The reason nutritionists are expensive and have a lot of training is because they need to work with people to find individualized plans that work. Some people get food boredom and need daily fancy plans. Some people need the simplest boringest things possible. Its the PROFESSIONALs job to know that and accomodate it.

          Last piece of advice: Check out “Eat to Evolve” or similar. Healthy meals delivered to your door. You aren’t a failure if you need to let someone else do the cooking for a while. We have weeks where we just order it because we cannot with the rest of our life.

    2. Pennyworth*

      I have always followed a really simplified eating pattern, this is the first time I have connected it to ADHD. It makes so much sense – even reading a diet plan in a magazine with competely different meals three times a day makes me go ‘Nah, far too complicated.’ I think I have a well balanced diet but I am most comfortable repeating the same meals frequently. Eating the same breakfast most days means one less decision to make. and my shopping is quick and predictable. Can you find one or two meals in your plan that you would actually make and just focus on those until making and shopping for them becomes routine?

      1. Jessen*

        Honestly its not really the diet I’m super concerned about right now. It’s that I keep getting that sense that I’m somehow not being responsible with my life and wasting the professional’s time if I don’t do these simple basic things that are actually really hard for me. Like if I go to someone for help, I’m somehow incurring an obligation to actually be helped by what they have to offer, because if I was really serious about wanting help I’d make it work.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          I never manage to follow these detailed plans. It’s the same problem I’ve had with diet plans, therapy plans, and so on. They are often too complicated in some way, or require too many different things each day, or whatever. I don’t think it is a failing on your part at all. These types of things always seem to have an unrealistic set of expectations. If I were capable of preparing 21 completely different meals, keeping a detailed log of my mood, etc I would have already done it. A plan that doesn’t address the problem you have is just not a suitable plan.

    3. Anono-me*

      Most nights after work its:
      Let the pupper out.
      Turn the oven on.
      Start the quinoa.
      Change clothes.
      Throw some chicken breasts or some fish fillets in the oven with a little bit of olive oil and some seasoning.
      Stop the quinoa and cover.
      Start a load of laundry.
      Put some vegetables in the microwave.
      Check the fish or chicken. Flip if needed.
      Put the dog food out.
      Partner comes home, lets the dog in and changes out of work clothes gets cleaned up etcetera.
      We eat, and then I get a little bit of down time while Partner cleans up the kitchen.

      We do tend to cook more complex and larger meals on our days off. We usually have leftovers for Monday and a couple of freezer meals for days that are stinkers.

      There’s stuff I do to make all this work on a weekday.

      I have my comfy clothes laid out. ( I’ll be honest I usually wear the same outfit several evenings in a row as I figure it adds up to one day.(

      Parchment paper is wonderful. It makes cleaning up so much better.

      Costco sells bulk chicken breasts and frozen fish. We usually leave some of those out the night before (in the fridge). But if you have trouble remembering to take the chicken out, Trader Joe’s has chicken breasts that don’t need to be thawed before cooking.

      Those refillable pump spray bottles for olive oil are a huge Time Saver.

      A lot of those best selling seasoning mixes are best sellers for a reason. Don’t reinvent the wheel. Find a couple of your favorites and run with them.

      Costco has huge bags of quinoa. The bulk price is pretty reasonable I think. And I find it so much easier to cook than rice. If you don’t have a four-legged stomach hanging around the house unsupervised, you can put the water and the quinoa together in a pot and let them finish up while you’re at work, then just warm it up in the microwave. Otherwise, bring it to a boil, turn it off and slap a lid on it for 15 minutes or so.

      Costco has a humongous veggie tray with dip. We get that and snack on fresh vegetables. But, fresh carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus, and green beans all microwave really well. Just grab a handful of the veggie tray veggies from the tray (not radishes or the skinny pea pods). Rinse well. Place in a microwave safe bowl. Cover with plastic wrap. Choose the ‘fresh vegetable’ function on your microwave. You might have to tweak the time by a minute or two. I usually do one handful of vegetables per person. Please note you probably want to be careful for steam when removing the plastic wrap.

      Hopefully something in this story of how we feed ourselves will be useful to you. But really all that matters is that you’re healthy and happy.

      1. Jessen*

        …I literally do not understand how you can do that insane a level of work EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

        1. Anono-me*

          This actually only takes me about 20 -25 minutes from walk in the door to put the dog food out. And if I’ve had a stinker of a day, the plan goes out the window and I pull out the weekend leftovers from the freezer and throw them in the microwave.

          I spelled out every little step, so you can see how my system works for me. But really if you look at the list, I included teeny tiny steps like turning the oven on to preheat. But doing that right away makes a huge difference in how efficiently I can move in that 20-25 minutes . A lot of what I’m doing is getting one thing started and letting it run while I go off and do another thing. I’m not coming home changing clothes, then cooking dinner, then taking care of the dog. If I did each of those things separately or ‘out of order’ and didn’t use my ‘cheats’, it would take me at least twice as long and cost at least twice as much energy.

          I’m not trying to say you should do anything the way I do it. I’m just trying to say this is something that works for me. Maybe it’s useful to someone else . Maybe you say ‘Most of that plan isn’t for me, but, I’m going to start using quinoa instead of rice also”. Or maybe there’s nothing in my plan that works for you. But the idea of a super detailed plan does.

          1. Jessen*

            I think it’s more the “every little step” part that’s the issue for me. The more detailed a plan with the more steps is required to get something done, the less likely it is for any of it to be accomplished. Like things like “turn the oven on to preheat” can actually be major issues where I get derailed – and the more different tasks I’m allowing to overlap, the more likely that is to happen. Repeated attention transitions are very very bad.

            Now that I think about it that might also be part of the issue with cooking? The way my brain works is, in order to reliably fix a meal, I need to focus on food and only food for this period of time. (Although I can somewhat manage things that have a very long – like hours long – hands off period.) So having to fix food every night is a bigger time issue because I can’t really do anything else with that time mentally. I’d do much better if I could spend one large chunk of time at once and then just grab something to eat the rest of the time.

            1. Jessen*

              On the plus side, your post ended up being helpful! Just maybe not the way planned. But it’s helpful for me to realize exactly what doesn’t work too sometimes.

              1. Anono-me*

                I’m glad it was useful somehow. That’s the important part.

                I personally like a specific detailed plan for anything and everything and then two backup plans at least. However one of my friends is ‘just do the thing in front of me and focus on doing it well’. You sound a bit like her in your second to last comment.

                Maybe her totally different approach will appeal to you or maybe it will give you more food for thought. ( I like good plans and bad puns.)

                My friend has a cookbook with 14 bulk cook and freeze recipes. (She tore out all the recipies that don’t work for her.) She makes one big batch of one recipe every Sunday afternoon. (No multi tasking and no distractions.) She has one serving of it for supper that day and freezes another 14 meals. So she has lots of meals in her chest freezer and just grabs one for lunch and one for supper . The meals are reheated in the microwave. Breakfast is instant oatmeal. (She did initially start out making a double batch of each recipe until she had enough built up so that she could have a variety of meals in a week.)

                Also, she does make one extra meal each time, so she has enough if she wants to have someone over for dinner or if she can’t cook on a specific Sunday.

            2. Old and Don’t Care*

              I gave a friend who has ADHD a soup recipe that honestly my nine year old nephew could make. It turned into a dramatic experience and a recipe fail for her, came back from the store with the wrong ingredients, then there was something about the blender… She’s not a recipe cook and usually sticks to grilled chicken or other meat and simple vegetables on the side. Which would drive me crazy but works for her.

              I cook most nights but I like leftovers. And I’m a slob and spend little time cleaning.

      2. Bibliovore*

        yes a different dinner every night. but there is a plan. If we have not so sloppy joes on Monday, the leftovers become chili the next day. If we have a chicken, I roast it whole, chicken pieces with salad and veg on sunday. sandwiches on monday, curry chicken with vegetables tues. carcass is soup.
        Breakfast and lunch the same everyday.
        Left to my own devices I would have the same thing every night. toast with avocado and cheese or a hard boiled egg and some kimchi and rice (microwave rice) toaster oven pizza.

    4. ThatGirl*

      I cook dinner (a new one) 5 nights a week. Right now I have all the time in the world, but when our schedules are tighter I will prep some things in the weekend, for instance cooking a few chicken breasts so they’re ready to go. But yes, I’ve been doing that for years. I will grant you I do not have kids! But we do both work and have a dog and had busy post-work schedules.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I feel like I should note, I do not cook anything for breakfast or lunch, breakfast is cereal or toast, lunch is leftovers or frozen meals, and we do plan our week of meals every Sunday. I do not have adhd and I’m a planner! I am not saying it’s easy for everyone.

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      I do? I plan what we’re eating for dinner every night, make a grocery list accordingly, and then cook dinner six nights out of seven. I mean, I guess I’m not a “professional” because I work at Starbucks, but I wake up before five and work eight hours a day on my feet, if that counts. I have a rota of about 20 different meals I make regularly, I try to make something new every couple of weeks, and if we like it, it gets worked into the rotation. Lunches are leftovers, breakfast is always something simple like toast or cereal, unless it’s on a lazy weekend day when I’ll make a full cooked breakfast with eggs and bacon and pancakes.

      1. Jessen*

        I guess it just feels like…ok, I guess maybe most people can do it. But I really got the sense that unless I am cooking dinner every night then I don’t care about my health. And I do care, I just can’t. What actually happens is that I end up skipping eating because it’s just too much to deal with. And I always got the sense that I wasn’t worth helping with any of this (even by therapists!) unless I did this basic stuff that I don’t at all understand how it seems to be so easy for everyone.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          That seems like a failure on the part of the therapist to understand what you are actually struggling with.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Yeah, I think you’ve got a failure to communicate well with your therapist. I’m not saying it’s your fault. But it doesn’t seem too hard to understand that the actual cooking is not the problem. And it’s totally fine if you only want to cook a proper meal, say, twice a week. There’s no harm in eating a peanut butter sandwich and an apple for dinner. Or a bowl of cereal. Or cheese, crackers and berries. Etc.

          Could you maybe approach it that way, and explain that the cooking is not the problem? Would it help you to just make a list of things that are ready to eat with little or no preparation that you can buy/keep on hand for the nights you just cannot?

      2. Anono-me*

        I would very much argue that you are professional. There is a huge difference between professionally-made coffee and amateur coffee. Anyone who doesn’t believe me is hereby sentenced to drink my version of coffee.

        To my way of thinking a professional is someone who does something really well as part of their job. I hate Undercover Boss with a passion, but I do think it clearly shows the disconnect between ‘well paid white-collar professional’ and ‘professional/expert at something but not white collar and not well paid’.

    6. Cat*

      Yeah I don’t think most people do that. Good professionals work with you to find help that works for you and don’t just give you one size fits all advice. Granted I think sometimes people are reluctant to tell a professional something doesn’t work for them. I certainly often am.

      1. Cat*

        And I’ll add, unlike others who have commented I have zero food systems. I cook when I have time and energy, I make do when I don’t.

      2. Jessen*

        I’ve found a lot of times (actually in pretty varied situations) it’s more that it’s very very difficult to get people to understand what exactly doesn’t work. Like in this case, I’d try to explain the problem, and I’d get the version for people who don’t know how to cook. And then she’d get kind of frustrated when even the “simplified” version didn’t work for me. The idea of someone who was capable of extremely complicated recipes, but struggled with basics of planning and organization to carry them out reliably, just didn’t seem to compute. So what I’d end up getting was the version for people who don’t know how to cook, which wasn’t helpful at all.

        I’ve seen that sort of thing happen a lot. Where I’ll tell a professional that something doesn’t work for me, and they’ll keep simplifying the easy part more and more and just never touch the actual complex part. So they keep simplifying it and I keep saying it’s still not working and it almost feels like you’re trying to talk through a language barrier.

        1. Cat*

          That specific issue surprises me. I know plenty of people – myself included – who can cook very well but don’t want to do it every night. So I’m back to them not being very good at their job.

    7. GigglyPuff*

      I completely understand. I’m plus size and diabetic, and I just suck at food. A lot of it comes back to growing up. I was always plus size, so my mom was always worried about me and food, which wasn’t the best for my mental health. Then she never let us help in the kitchen, she just found it easier to do it herself. So I never learned really anything until my early twenties then I got diabetes. I also realized I just don’t like my mom’s cooking, she eats to live mentality, vs I have to like something to eat it.

      Anyway she thinks I have eating disorder but I’ve realized the last year or so it’s definitely my ADHD. I definitely hear you on the forgetting to eat or it’s just too much trouble. I really have a strong executive function disorder, plus if I can’t see it I totally forget about it, which makes going for the junk food easier.

      Tips for when I’m doing well: premade stuff and preportioned. Baked chicken from the grocery store, easier than the ones you “just have to heat up”. Prewashed lettuce, microwavable bags of frozen veggies. Precut fruits and veggies. Basically anything where I can just grab it and eat it. I get lunch out (back when I went to the office) more than most people but I also counted that as exercise so I stopped feeling as guilty spending that extra money. Basically try to figure out your barriers, but sometimes it still doesn’t work. I’ll still throw out the chicken after buying it and it goes bad, with the best intentions and then just not doing it.

      But it’s a constant and daily struggle that I hate having, but I will say pinpointing it to my ADHD has helped me with just acknowledging the problem. So I completely understand and it’s a b!/@h, especially if you’re around people, like at my work, who bring their lunch or are satisfied with microwavable meals (I find most of them gross).

      1. GigglyPuff*

        Like I haven’t eaten “a meal” in days but for some reason a switch flipped and I just got off my ass tonight, made some tuna salad (which is great cause it takes forever for the ingredients to go bad on the shelf), cut up an orange, gonna microwave an ear of corn, and make some toast.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In this specific situation – The nutritionist isn’t there to help you with executive function issues, they’re there to tell you what food options will be safest for your digestive issues. Also, if you tell them that meal planning is too hard, and they give you a pre-made plan, then they’ve presented a solution to the problem you identified. Doesn’t make much sense to be annoyed with them for taking you at your word.

      1. Jessen*

        I feel like you’re assuming a lot here. I told them specifically I was there for ADHD and because I felt like trying to keep up with planning and cooking and eating food was making it so I couldn’t think about anything in my life but work and food. The problem wasn’t that she made up a meal plan, the problem was that when I expressed that it wouldn’t work the answer was “well then we can’t help you”, and that it came with the expectation that I was supposed to be writing these up in an ongoing manner despite my insisting that wasn’t something workable for me. It was very much presented as meal planning and daily cooking is the easy part once someone gives you some basic recipes to work with, and those being difficult was just incomprehensible.

        I’ll be honest too, part of why this is so sore is that I’d gone to a nutritionist for help specifically because I’d sought actual mental health help repeatedly for years and basically not gotten anything but blame. The ADHD diagnosis was new and as far as I can tell no one in the area works with adult ADHD at all. What I’ve usually gotten is pretty much that I need to come back when I can stop my executive functioning issues from interfering with the exercises for treating anxiety and they can’t help me until then.

        1. Saint Maybe*

          I’m not really understanding why you are consulting a nutritionist for ADHD issues…can you explain more about what you are hoping for?

          Also, are you working with a nutritionist or a registered dietitian? Anyone can call themselves a nutritionist, but RD’s must be credentialed.

          1. Jessen*

            Yes, I was seeing a registered dietician.

            So I have a medical condition (GERD) that’s supposed to be managed primarily via diet. However, due to some combination of ADHD, full time work + long commute, and the fact that I’m very tiny and dealing with a condition typically found in overweight people, the standard plans for managing it that you can find on the internet or get as a handout from the GI doctor don’t work for me. I end up not eating because it’s too complicated for me to be able to fix one of the safe options, or turning to something that makes me sick because at least it’s something I don’t have to fix.

            So what I was looking for was someone who could help come up with a plan for how to eat to manage my condition, but that doesn’t leave me feeling like all my free time is focused around food that I don’t even enjoy. And I felt like what I got was pretty much the same thing I could have found as a printout on the internet, along with the attitude that if I couldn’t even do the “basic” planning and cooking every day parts then I couldn’t be helped.

            1. Saint Maybe*

              Thanks. I also read your comment above which articulated the issue very well.

              It sounds like maybe you could devote an afternoon to big-batch cooking. If it meets your nutritional needs, it’s perfectly fine to eat the same thing for multiple days in a row.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Ugh. Shame on her. Really, shame on her.

          I got into nutrition and foods because a slew of problems I was having. But I think picking a nutritionist is like picking a counselor, we have to figure out if we are well matched with the nutritionist.

          I was a mess the first time I went, I was so nervous. As you show here, it felt like I was walking way out on a limb for a number of reasons. I felt vulnerable. I decided I was not putting up with BS. Kind of like religion, don’t show me how wrong I am; I already am painfully aware of that. Just show me how I can take positive steps. (I hope you chuckle. I gave the guy 15 minutes. If he did not impress me inside of 15 minutes then I would walk out, pay at the desk for the time and never return. That was my frame of mind then.)

          My suggestion is to find a nutritionist who has been doing it for a while, bonus points for ten years or longer. You want someone who has experiences with all sort of people and is aware just how many hurdles people can be jumping. Tell them you are targeting ADHD and anxiety. Ask if they have worked with people like you. (Answer should be a really strong yes.) If they do not start talking about what their plan looks like, ask for a general idea. (A good answer would look like, “we have several ideas that will be very helpful but we have to know more about you in order to tell you what yours would be”.) Be up front with the fact that complicated recipes do not work for you- tell her at the very start. Tell her that planning and organizing are major obstacles and you need help with those things.* (A good response would be, “I know what you mean, I had to change so many things. I went to new-to-me stores, I bought products I had to learn about. Yep, we can help with this.”)

          *I have always said that diet has very little to do with actually eating. Organizing and planning can be a killer for most people. It’s easier to grab some frozen fried chicken and call it good enough. A good nutritionist KNOWS that people have to re-arrange their kitchens to accommodate their new meal plans. She knows they have to go buy new things for this also. This gets hugely time consuming so she has ideas to share to shorten the learning curve. Honestly, I think this nutritionist here has a superficial understanding of the kinds of help people need. I would not have done well with her either.

          When I changed my diet, I ended up rearranging my cupboards, buying different storage containers and a whole bunch of other stuff. This does take time, by that I mean months- of thinking about things and rearranging things. So you tell her that these are the types of things you need help with.

          I ended up with a chiro-nutritionist. Because he had been doing it for so many years he had thoughts on just about anything I came up with to ask about. And that is because he had been living what he was preaching so to speak. You want someone who actually does this stuff, they know how much effort goes into this and that you are paying them to shorten your learning curve. What took them a long time to figure out, they tell you in a matter of minutes.

          You would probably do well with a plan where you change one mealtime over a given period. So this could look like, take two weeks to hammer out what breakfast now looks like and what it will take to hit this goal more often than not. Once you have something workable, move on to lunch. Take longer, maybe three weeks. What foods will you eat for lunch and what do you need to have to hit this goal more often than not. Likewise with dinner.

          Snacks were super important to me, I have a very physical job and I would get super hungry. So I started figuring out snacks right away along with breakfast. I ended up using a protein drink because I was afraid of being hungry due to poor planning on my part. Yes, I told him point blank, I wanted to stay with these foods but I was scared of being hungry and just grabbing anything in desperation. That is when he had me start working with a protein drink while I sorted my situation out. Someone who has been doing it for a while does not bat an eye at questions like this.

          And now my bias, the less ingredients, the less steps in prep the better I felt. So if these recipes were complex by having numerous ingredients and/or numerous steps in prep, then this nutritionist probably would not have helped me in the long run. I probably would have given up based on lack of results.

          I hope I can encourage you to try again. And to interview them, remember they are working for you. This last nutritionist did not offer these additional services and/or did not know how to help you. If you can find a way to talk to clients, then that might be a wise move. Ask the client why they like the nutritionist. That alone can tell you a lot.

          1. Jessen*

            Thanks. That really does help. The more I think about it, the more I really do feel like I was just dealing with someone who couldn’t handle any deviations from the script. Not just on the advice, but the whole appointment felt scripted – like how we definitely 100% had to go over reading the basic GERD 101 printout she had in detail, no matter what. I felt like it was hard to even get to where I was getting more than what I could find with 5 minutes on google.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Yeah, I can see that she has a superficial read on things. This is fine for average people having an average life. It’s not fine for folks like you, me and many others who are interested in getting better health through their food choices and targeting particular problems. The person I ended up with had long experience in helping addicts and people who had a serious diagnosis, or long term problems. This guy was used to digging people out of black holes, truly. And he knew that he knew his stuff. He had this confidence that experience can give people. For example, I said I was having a hard time swallowing my vitamins. I wanted my vitamins so the problem was literally trying to swallow them. Without missing a beat, he said, “Put them in applesauce.” He did not need to accuse me of being lazy or not wanting to the program, etc. He had enough confidence in his own knowledge to cut to the chase and just offer a solution. It worked. I used the applesauce for a while, then after a bit I no longer needed to do that.

              The longer I went to him the more I realized he had become a last resort for many people. I followed what he said to do and I saw results. I think that was the thing that sealed the deal for me, I could see differences in my skin/hair/thinking. I had little stuff come up too- like the scars on my knees went away. I thought I would have those scars for the rest of my life. (That’s one example, I had a number of other things that changed also.) He said this would happen, stuff that I had not mentioned to him would also tend to ease or get better.

        3. 00ff00Claire*

          I can relate to the challenge of adjusting to a very specialized diet and figuring out how to make it actually work. Because when you are following such a specialized diet, you DO have to have a plan – you can’t really wing it. I have followed the GERD diet previously, but now I am on a different diet and it’s frustrating to have to start from scratch and relearn everything. I actually enjoy cooking and looking up new recipes, and I “get” the various concepts of the diet. However, I struggle so much with the actual execution of the overall process – plan what to eat, make a grocery list, do the shopping, cook the meals when they are supposed to be cooked, don’t let the produce go bad before I cook it, get the surplus into the freezer so that I can use it later, etc. It’s a lot. Especially when you either have to make so much at home or buy expensive specialty products that of course aren’t all stocked by the same grocery store. There is literally one frozen meal I can buy from the grocery store right now. Nothing else in the “frozen meal” category works for me… One type of one brand of pasta sauce (I guess you might not be able to eat any brand…) which is currently sold out because I guess all of the other sauces are sold out and everyone else just settled for a jar they would never buy otherwise (expensive and boring compared to all the others). Ugh, I get it! Even when you know the diet, the execution is so much work.

          And it’s even harder when you are working with a specialist but you’re not getting the kind of help that you really need even though technically they are giving you “help”. I’ve been down that road before too.

          To me, it looks like the real crux of the issue is you and the dietitian are not on the same page about what you really need help with. She thinks you are there because you are following a specialized diet and you need expert advice on what foods to eat, how often to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat it. But from your context, to you that part is actually pretty easy and you understand those principles. And you’re capable of cooking, so you don’t need help learning how to cook. Those are what the dietitian usually encounters as the “hard” part and the parts people need help with. So when you explain that you are having trouble with meal planning, what you are trying to say is, “I need to learn how to make a plan that works for me and also I need guidance on what steps to take to execute the plan that fits into my lifestyle”. But what she hears instead is “Jessen needs guidance on what foods to eat, so Jessen needs recipes that fit the diet, and a list of meals that will make the diet work”.

          Even if you’ve explained that you are there because your ADHD is interfering with your ability to meal plan, I think the situation is also being exacerbated by the fact that your actual problem is probably out of the dietitian’s wheelhouse. She is probably used to helping guide people through what foods are a part of the diet, etc. She may not be used to helping people develop a meal planning /grocery shopping / meal prep routine. Some dietitians do specialize in that. I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to ask her for more guidance, but I think it could be helpful for you to 1) get very specific about what the problems you have with meal planning are and 2) be prepared for the fact that she might not be able to help you and you need to work with a different dietitian. You’ve said you find it difficult to get people to understand what exactly doesn’t work, but it sounds like in this particular case she doesn’t understand what’s not working because you aren’t able to articulate it yourself or at least aren’t able to effectively communicate it to her. Can you look at her plan and try to visualize yourself executing it? Pretend you’re watching a movie of yourself and see what trips you up. Make a list of the difficulties you encounter and see if you would be better able to explain it. You might, but you also might not. And even if you can, she still might not be able to help and you need to find a dietitian who might not know your diet well but instead knows how to help people learn the processes of meal planning and prep.

          Another thing you could do that might also help you ask for help is research different meal planning resources. I know you are working with her to get the help, but maybe looking into different ways meal planning can be done would give you more insight into what you want to be able to accomplish. I’ve tried several meal planning websites / apps and exploring those have helped me make progress in that particular area (I’m still not great at it though). Most of them have a trial version and by doing a trial version of several different ones, I started to see how the different steps can work together. I hope what I’m trying to explain makes sense, but essentially I learn better by doing. I didn’t know what I was doing “wrong” (just that SOMETHING was wrong) until I tried different ways of doing it “right”. Here are a few of the meal planning sites / apps I tried: PrepDish, Plan to Eat, CookSmarts, Emeals, Platejoy.

          Best of luck to you; I know it’s daunting.

          1. Jessen*

            I guess part of it is that I’ve said something like “I can’t do specific step” and gotten “well you have to do specific step” and that’s where it ends. And I did need advice on what foods to eat, but I feel like I needed it more in a way that I could fit into my own cooking. I’m not really a recipe person, so it would be a lot more useful to get a general idea of what are and aren’t safe ingredients and leave it to me to put them together, than to try to give me a short list of preplanned meals to cook. Especially when half of them I know I won’t eat anyway even if I did cook them. (What is it with every single healthy diet plan using chicken as the base? I really hate chicken.) I really wanted help with trying to figure out how to make it work with my inexact, mostly vegetarian style of cooking that fixes food once or twice a week, and feel like instead I got pushed into “well you need a standard meal plan where you fix lunch and dinner every day.”

            Honestly though, the more I think about it, the more I feel like she just wasn’t good at her job. Like basically what I got was a giant printout of a popular GERD website and a few meal recipes. I could have found that online. We spent an entire session just going over a printout of a website I’d already read. And there were a lot of just basic things too – like one of the issues I mentioned was needing to go options because you’re not supposed to eat right before bed and I’m often not home until late. That just seemed to blank out entirely, like needing to eat when you don’t have a kitchen or a microwave handy was an insurmountable problem.

            The more I listen to the AAM commentariat here and think about what happened, the more I really do feel like I just encountered someone who didn’t really know how to handle anything out of the ordinary. Like I really feel like I was just being read a script and any response I gave that didn’t fit the script just blanked everything out. It’s just a sensitive spot, because I’ve had so many issues over the years of the pattern of not being able to get help or being told I can’t be helped because I’m not doing the “easy step” that’s actually really complex for me. I’m managing better with diet now, although not perfectly, but the “you are a failure because you can’t even do this one thing that’s so easy for everyone else” is hitting me hard.

            1. 00ff00Claire*

              So it sounds like a mismatch between what you need and what she could offer. I found my dietician by asking for recommendations from someone in the field because I knew the specific type of help I needed. You’ve just articulated what you’re looking for, if your want to keep working with a dietician. The question is, is there someone who offers what you’re looking for? If so, how to find them.

              For what it’s worth, I don’t think the message she was trying to send was, “you’re a failure and this is so easy for everyone else”. It sounds like she was trying to communicate that she couldn’t help you, yet didn’t know why or didn’t want to acknowledge the reason was she didn’t have the skillset you need.

              1. 00ff00Claire*

                Not sure if you’re still checking these, but it was hard to post more on my phone earlier. What I wanted to get across was that it sounds like there was a lot of miscommunication between you and the dietitian. From what you describe, it looks like there were misunderstandings and a mismatches with respect to what her services offered, what you were hoping to accomplish by working with the dietitian, her expectations for the follow-through from you as a client, and your own expectations for your follow-through of her guidance.

                I had a similar experience with a different type of specialist working on a separate (not GI related) issue and it was incredibly frustrating. Looking back and comparing my experiences with that specialist and my current experience working with a dietitian, I think the biggest difference is that my dietitian has processes set up so that those topics were addressed before and during my initial consultation. That didn’t happen with the previous specialist and even though they were very good at their job and helped me a lot, I still felt like I was never really heard and all of my concerns weren’t addressed. If that’s the case, maybe it would be helpful for you in future situations to write out what your goals are for working with someone and brainstorm specifically what you want help with before you meet with them.

                All that said, I sometimes felt like that previous specialist was also frustrated with my situation but never that they thought I was incompetent. And I still get advice from the dietitian that isn’t as straightforward for me as she makes it sound but I’ve never got the impression she actually thinks I’m a failure as an adult. I’ve also been in similar situations multiple times when I was the professional and my team and our client would just keep talking past each other. Neither party could find the right way to help the other see their perspective. I think that you are probably being hard on yourself (“I must not be a real adult if I can’t follow her [mismatched!] advice”) and finding fault with yourself for what appears to be a misunderstanding and an incredibly frustrating experience. Plenty of people have similar experiences and it’s nothing to do with you being a competent adult and all to do with people being human in all the wide variety of ways we do being human.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending a hug. I struggled for years with comparing myself with others. No, you hired her for a meal plan. Whatever you can do, do. If you can’t – or you make it and eat is 5 days in a row, so be it. You are not failing as an adult.
      She did supply what you paid her to do, but her area of expertise is not as life-coach, I suspect, for the ADHD. She gave you what she could, but not what you needed completely. Which is not a failure on either of your parts. (I find the same thing with workout plans… uh, no, I need to start way, way further down the planning stage).

      I think you do what you can. Adapt the foods, maybe bulk cook and freeze on a Saturday some of them. (so you make at least a double batch). I have been trying to learn more about living and dealing with ADHD; there are some good articles on planning and executive function (I am still spiraling at the “pick a way to track my to-dos” so don’t think “I” have it together). But any hint for any project, applies to meals and meal planning. They are just different project outcomes, but the same skill set.

      Don’t beat yourself up or compare to others. There’s also an age component -I spent years (from necessity) learning to cope with the need to have food on the dinner table. So my skill set there is stronger. Not so strong in other areas. Adulting… no one is perfect. You just only see one view of anyone’s life.

      Give yourself lots of credit for now having a good list to work from and adapt. Sending a hug.

    10. Dr. Anonymous*

      OH, lordy, I do NONE of that cook every night crap. When I get home I am done with adulting for the day.

      I’m on a pretty restrictive diet and I make one or two things in quantity on the weekend and put them in bags or containers and eat them all week long. I have a couple of go-to quickie meals I can make on the spot for variety. These quickie meals consist of putting Food A on top of Food B, sprinkling it with condiments C and D, and sticking it in the microwave or toaster oven until the bell goes, “ding”.

      If I am feeling fancy on a given weekend I make extra and freeze single servings so I can mix it up in some other week. If you have the spoons for it, I highly recommend you see if you can do a weekend focus thing where you dive into the food and get yourself set for the week so during the week tired, done-adulting you can just grab a food and eat it.

    11. RagingADHD*

      I have ADHD, 2 kids, a husband with ADHD who works crazy hours, and a job that was always remote.

      I love cooking. I cook “real” meals maybe 2-3x a week. Fridays are always pizza & a movie. The rest are make-do nights.

      Make-do could be leftovers, or something easy like scrambled eggs or frozen ravioli.

      And even my “real” meals don’t involve more than one complex element. If the dish doesn’t have veggies in it, then we’re having green salad or a frozen veggie in the microwave.

      Struggling with meal prep has nothing to do with whether you care about your health. If your nutritionist implied that, it’s just because they are ignorant about ADHD. Lots of people are.

      Meal planning & cooking are just a skill set. If you find something fun about it, maybe you could break it down & learn one skill at a time. Like maybe learn one dish this week.

      Something that helps me with the shopping is that I stick to a pretty basic list and just buy whatever we’re low on this week. Doing online grocery pickup helps, because it’s all saved in my favorites list.

  110. Anono-me*

    Thank you to everyone for your advice on how to do my first Walmart delivery grocery shop.

    I think it went very well. I got almost everything on the list.

    Allowing substitutions worked really well for us. A few items were substituted for different brands and a few items were two of a smaller size instead of one larger sized item.

    There was no tp.

    When I initially looked there were no spots available, so I stayed up and looked again at a little bit after midnight. There were a number of spots available a few days out. (Thank you RagingADHD.)

    Also I was able to get $10.00 because it was our first order and I used the code “Wowfresh”.

    1. schnauzerfan*

      Yes, definitely allow substitutions, sometime odd things happen but it’s usually OK. My friend did order tortillas and got tortillia chips, but eh. We have been doing curbside and it’s a literal life saver.

    2. Rebecca*

      I’ve been using grocery pickup since last September, it saves me so much time. I just booked an order today for pickup on this coming Saturday, it was the first available day.

  111. Square Root of Minus One*

    I know it’s late, but please, tell me: am I wrong to feel like this?
    Just had a row on the phone with my father. Well, mostly I got yelled at and now I wanna cry.
    Some context: I’ve been raised by my mom, and I have a complicated relationship with my dad. Long story short, with him and his family, I’m like a bird in a fishtank full of lovely, but emotionally immature fish, and I walk on eggs most of the time.
    It’s wearing me out, and I’m not the best communicator (nor the best at caring for others in general, tbh), so I don’t call regularly, especially when I have nothing to share, which is often (bird and fish, really, not even from a common ecosystem, few interests in common, and very different lives). I’m in my thirties and they barely know me as a person. What do I like, what do I stand for? Mysteries.
    My father believes love is proportinal to the number of calls in a week, so it’s one of our major bones of contention, which is making me call even less and can you see the pattern forming?
    So, earlier today, I got a thinly disguised sermon about calling my grandma (all previous apply, but she’s old and dad seems to believe it matters above all else, come on, she has all her head), to which I answer phones work in both directions (she very rarely calls herself). He explains to me a difficulty with her phone, which I heard and can accept and added : “between us, as a principle the younger one has to make the effort, don’t you think?”
    Foolish me thought “between us” was an honest line of communication and I honestly answered “No, I don’t”.
    Oh, dear. Now he hopes I never end up neglected by my own grandkids and he’s incredibly disappointed in me and when he finally lost his breath, he hung up on me.
    But no, I don’t. I believe communication goes in both directions and shouldn’t be a duty to either party. In this instance, I don’t feel ill toward her, but I’m tired that all the effort is expected of me.
    And now my stepmother is sending me texts about our stubbornness. Yeah. Right. She barely knows me and nothing about my stubbornness. Let’s push the dust under the carpet and blame our regional trait of stubbornness, that’s how emotions have been dealt with in this family since the damn beginning of time.

    1. Filosofickle*

      Ugh, sorry. My grandmothers would complain to my mom that I didn’t call enough, and thankfully Mom had my back and would ask Grandma “Well, when was the last time you called Filosofickle?” Which was never recently. I’m with you that you don’t owe a bigger effort than your parents/grandparents do.

      1. Square Root of Minus One*

        Thank you. Your mom is cool :) My mom thinks like yours, and used to do that when I was a kid, but she doesn’t want to handle my father and my grandma, which I get, it’s my job.
        The last time she talked to my father was about nine years ago. She was a witness to my breaking down after he pestered me to visit in an incredibly difficult time for me, gave him a royal piece of her mind on the phone (unbeknownst to me then) and has been determined not to speak to him again since then.

        1. Filosofickle*

          Mom only said anything if they put her in the middle and talked to her about us. Otherwise she stayed out, which is fine! My mom’s a good one, though, for sure.

    2. Retail not Retail*

      You’re not in the wrong, and navigating that relationship is so hard.

      I never got guilt-tripped for not communicating with my paternal grandmother, I mean she didn’t like me or didn’t show that she did!

      Also I only call my dad when I need something and feel no guilt about it and he’s always eager to talk to me. (Of course the last time I really expected something small from him both my mom and my sister who likes him told me he’d disappoint me. And he did! I’d been spending the whole summer in a creepy town with no AC, he can’t spend one night?)

      1. Square Root of Minus One*

        Thank you. In my case they love me, I really believe they do. And I love them too. But that’s exactly that, navigation is hard.
        My father helped me move recently. He suggested, I accepted. He stayed one week and helped a lot. But I didn’t ask and would have found another solution if needed.
        Because he expects a yearly visit while his last two visits were spaced almost 12 years, because when he came he imposed his habits in my place and barely showed any curiosity to mine, and so on. I must come to his world, adapt and be happy there. I hold the part of the secondary character “the faraway child” in the play.

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, step 1, tell your stepmother that you don’t feel like talking about this with her, and shut that down completely. Step 2, I think Captain Awkward has some good stuff for “difficult parent who demands lots of phone calls” – see if any of that helps.

      1. Square Root of Minus One*

        Thanks for the answer. I apologized for her ruined evening (I know my dad must have vented all evening, because he’s like that: when he argues with either his mom or his daughter, he will vent to the other. Now that there’s his wife, she takes most of my share of his venting) and will ignore the comment for now. If she reiterates I’ll answer.
        I will not discuss this wirh neither her nor my grandma. I know my dad has/will, and I’m already sorry about that. It’s the dynamic there. It’s how they operate.
        Sigh. Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll check the Captain’s archive.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Oooo. Tender topic. I so agree with you. I had two aunts that said since I was the younger person I had to initiate each and every conversation with them. I tried for a few years. But I got nothing in return. Letters went unanswered, gifts went unnoticed, etc. Finally I stopped trying. Years passed. Then they died.

      I missed the relationship I thought we had. I missed it while they were still living. See, that relationship was something in my imagination, it wasn’t real. I got tired of initiating. I got tired of being the only one who wanted a relationship. I had to take a hard look at my life and build relationships that were positive and uplifting. I had to get relationships that were reciprocal. I couldn’t do the one way street any more.

      Oddly one aunt died just a week before my father died and the other died just days before my husband died. The timing there was so odd, each time I could not get to their funerals. I had another funeral to be at. So odd.

      Maybe consider telling your stepmom that you don’t call often because of this very thing right here. You want to be loved, not screamed at. (Then maybe consider adding a few more weeks to the next time you call for each admonishment she sends.) Or maybe tell her each time someone screams at you it will be x more weeks added before you call again.
      Fun/lightening to think about snappy comebacks.
      But maybe just ask them all if they actually want to hear from you, because the screaming and scolding sure seems like they do not want to hear from you.

      1. Square Root of Minus One*

        Thank you for answering. I’m sorry for the losses, of the people and the relationships. I feel exactly that toward them both, mourning a relationship not there. It’s not unreturned, but it always feels so… shallow, for lack of a better word.
        Even here, I always want to reply to every comment “it isn’t that bad”, and I feel guilty not to have the emotional tank.
        I’m usually not screamed at. I get the remark that I don’t call enough regularly, I brace myself for it every time I call. It’s nothing but I dislike bracing myself. This time I just failed to recognize a rhetoric question from a real one.

  112. Bibliovore*

    Three people I know died of Covid-19 this past week. I scheduled a vacation day tomorrow so that I don’t have to deal with zoom and the predictable , What did you do for fun this weekend. I feel like it’s the AIDS epidemic and 911 all rolled into one. I wish everyone peace and serenity and good health.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thank you. And now four. A friend just let me know his dad died from it. I know NYC seems apart from the rest of the United States but so does Italy and China. Stay safe.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Also sorry for your loss.
      Take some time tonight and tomorrow for self-care, even if that’s just sitting and reading or watching something soothing.
      Reach out to their bereaved families if possible. People like to hear about the effects that their just-departed loved ones had in the world. (I’m saying ‘if possible’ only because extended families can have all kinds of different configurations. Sometimes people are estranged from their families, or vice versa.)

  113. The Other Dawn*

    Just dropped in to say I’m actually feeling really good today. It’s been a month since my second back surgery and my sciatica seems to finally be improving. It stinks that sitting at my desk or being in the recliner too long gets it going again, but I can work around it. It was such a gorgeous day today so I drove myself to the pharmacy and the grocery store, then stopped for a Big Mac. I sat in the McD’s parking lot with the windows and sunroof open, music playing, and just enjoying the fact that I have some independence back after seven weeks. I wish I could have browsed some stores so I could have something to do and get some walking in, but that’s just not possible with COVID going on. Someday.

    If anyone feels like reading about my surgeries, I’ve started making some blog posts again. They’re kind of few and far between since I can’t sit at my desk too long and I hate using the laptop (hands are big for the keyboard), but now that I’m improving I hope to be posting more often. Plus I’m just bored. :)
    https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/

    1. Filosofickle*

      Congratulations! That is extremely exciting! I’ve had back surgery so I feel you. Wishing you continued recovery!

  114. My Brain Is Exploding*

    Not wrong!! (And at any rate, feelings themselves aren’t right or wrong, they just “are.”) You guys are on different pages. You just have to figure out what you are ok with. Maybe you send him an email and set up a regular time when you’ll call him (especially good if he doesn’t care how long you talk, so just saying hi is ok). Or for every 3 times you call him, he calls you. Or whatever works for you! And you ring off if the conversation goes somewhere you’ve told him you don’t want it to.

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