weekend free-for-all – April 25-26, 2020

by Alison Green on April 25, 2020

all 6 cats

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Inn at Lake Devine, by Elinor Lipman. A Jewish teenager in the ’60s begins a decades-long fixation on a Vermont inn and the family that runs it (including an anti-Semitic mother and two intriguing sons).

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,614 comments }

{ 1,614 comments… read them below }

  1. Official non-secrets act*

    I know it’s such a first world problem, but I do so miss being able to plan for the long term. Having fun things to look forward to used to be a great source of joy, be it a vacation or even a weekend at the cinema. Now I am just living life one day at a time and it’s a total drag.

    1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I really love planning vacations. Deciding what to do, getting good deals, organizing gear and clothes, arranging meals, finding good maps. I would be starting to dream about now, normally. Yellowstone sounds amazing. But there isn’t much point when we don’t have even a general idea what the future will look like in a few months. Can’t find a great deal on plane tickets and plan around wherever they go. Just have to wait this mess out, however long it takes.

      Total drag.

      1. OtterB*

        Yep. Had a family vacation planned to the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone at the end of July. I just canceled it this week. Maybe next year.

      2. AVP*

        ugh, same. Even if we do get a vacation in 2020, it’ll be planned at the last second and there goes half the fun!

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I hear you. I am a planner and I’m still doing a bit of it but nothing substantial. More like, what activity to do on x day to pass the time. It’ll pass eventually and hopefully painlessly.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Yeah. It’s like, how far out do I have to look before I can have something to look forward to?

      There’s a bunch of online stuff, but online stuff doesn’t actually give me a break from my regular things. I spent a lot of today at a virtual filk con, but yet I still had to cook all of my own meals, walk the dog, and do laundry. I usually build my year around which conventions I’m attending, and now it’s all nope, virtual, and ???, waiting to see when various states extend their no-gathering rules far enough that things still on the maybe list get cancelled.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I feel you, I’m a planner as well!

        Right now, I’m focusing that planning urge on a container garden. It helps some, but I’d still rather be planning my big wedding/honeymoon. (We’re doing a small backyard wedding now.)

    5. Julia*

      I get it. :( If you like books are games, those seem to still be released on schedule and digitally, so maybe mark some of your favorite authors’ new books or a new game on your calendar to look forward to?

      1. AnonEMoose*

        I’m looking forward to the annotated version of Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” that’s coming out in, I believe, June.

        1. Julia*

          Awesome! I snagged a limited edition ice cream (jasmine milk tea) on our weekly (nerve-wracking) grocery trip last night that I look forward to eating on the balcony when we have the next nice day, and will place a giant Uniqlo order for the family with their new Pokémon shirts, including one for my kid niece so we can match. (She loved Pokémon now, yeah!)
          (I live in Japan, in case you are wondering where all that stuff can be bought.)

          1. allathian*

            I love jasmine tea, so jasmine milk tea ice cream sounds heavenly! Enjoy it when you can.

            1. Julia*

              Thank you! I had too much veggie carbonara for lunch (a rare treat here), so maybe not today.

    6. pugs for all*

      I agree so much with this. It is very difficult to have nothing specific to look forward to.

    7. PB*

      I hear you. Related, it’s really tough not having something to look forward to. In the past, during rough times, I could say, “Well, at least I have that vacation in ____ next month!” Now, the months just stretch on.

      I’ve channeled some of that energy into planning walking routes in my neighborhood, especially places where I can easily socially distance. I’ve lived here four years, and only just learned that there are ruins of a ghost town nearby! I plan to check them out on the next sunny day.

    8. LeahS*

      I am one of those people that really has to make myself do things in order to have fun doing them… I am an outgoing introvert I guess? I got a lot of anxiety beforehand. But all of this HAS really made me miss making plans! I feel your pain. I gotta go and live it up when this is all over I suppose.

      I can’t wait until you can plan your vacation or make weekend plans. It has hard to have a source of pure happiness taken away and I feel for you.

    9. LQ*

      I feel this a lot. I wasn’t even planning things that were THAT fun. No giant vacation of a lifetime things. Just brunch with a friend. Or dinner out. Or looking forward to the food trucks coming out in spring. Or the first farmers market. Or casual walk along the river with a friend.

      Nothing. Now it’s just endless nothing.

    10. C Average*

      My ex-mother-in-law, whom I miss, often says that people need three things in order to be happy: something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.

      As in so many things, she is right.

    11. Canuck girl*

      I hear you, 100%. Not a first world problem imo, nothing to be ashamed of that you’re missing. I miss not being able to plan outings for live shows, concerts, comedy clubs and dance clubs. Vacation planning is a given. I had a little self-indulgence getaway in January for one night and I am so grateful I splurged and did it…boutique hotel, spa, winery tour. I overspent and now regret nothing lol.

      1. allathian*

        I’m also very happy that we got to go see Bryan Adams in March, the last weekend before shelter-in-place. Now public gatherings of more than ten people are banned…

    12. Windchime*

      It’s hard, for sure. We do an annual family vacation every year with all 10 of us. It’s one of the only times that we know for sure we will all be together; usually we just rent a house at the beach and hang out for a couple of days. It’s at the end of August this year, and people are already wondering if we are going to have to cancel. I hope not, but I guess we’ll find out as time goes on.

    13. Pennalynn Lott*

      Last year, I planned out and made reservations for Memorial Day Weekend. The event I was planning everything around has been canceled. Hopefully I get a refund.

      I also paid for a 4-day weekend of summer camp for adults in mid-June. Pretty sure that won’t be happening, either. The prospect of sleeping in bunk beds a big room full of strangers suddenly doesn’t seem like a smart idea.

      I had wanted to plan travel for events I October and December but now I don’t know if they’ll be taking place or if it will be safe.

      I guess the good news is that I’m saving a few thousand dollars by not going anywhere.

    14. KristinaL*

      I’ve been thinking about planning things as far as figuring out what hotels are nearby, what route I’d take, where I’ll go when I get there. That would at least give me a head start later.

    15. Nessun*

      I hear you- I have a ton of vacation I have to take in July/August, and no way to plan for it – a month of time where u can’t figure out where to be or what to do…gonna and up with a lot of empty days to fill up later. It’s definitely a first world still-employed problem, but it’s frustrating to not be able to work out a plan and it makes the time less fun to contemplate.

    16. Rexish*

      I know!

      I need to apply my summer annual leave next week. I have 4 weeks for the summer but no desire to put them down anywhere.

    17. Alexandra Lynch*

      We were in the middle of a move and saying, “Okay, after we move, we can go to a jewelry store and look for the engagement ring,” and now…. yeah.

      Yes, we could order something I like online. It’s Not The Same, damnit. (sigh)

    18. matcha123*

      This has been my life for decades: Only living for day to day…not making long-term plans…
      And, no, it’s not fun.
      For me, I am glad that a lot more people get to experience this. It’s NOT fun at all, and in my case at least, it’s tied to money and not having the flexibility that comes with it. If more people understand how restrictive and crappy life is when you don’t have the freedom to move around, I would hope that once things get better that they would have more compassion for those around them that are struggling (not saying OP doesn’t).

      1. Upstater-ish*

        Yeah I was married to an alcoholic. I can’t get excited until the trip, event whatever is happening.

      2. call centre bee*

        I was trying to figure out why this thread seemed so foreign to me, lol. I’m poor, I don’t have things to look forward to whether there’s corona or not!

    19. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I miss not having to plan EVERYTHING! I feel bad for going to the store for one thing, so I try not to. Well, I finished painting my room yesterday and discovered that while I have 2 curtain rods for the 2 windows, they don’t match. I need to go to the store to 1 curtain rod (that matches either of the 2 I have), then the unneeded 3rd will be used in the next room up for painting which only has 1 window.

    2. Princess Deviant*

      It’s a gorgeous picture – so lovely that they all feel comfortable enough to sleep together!

  3. Free Meerkats*

    Mom is now in the skilled care facility. Unfortunately, the first hospital sent her phone back to her and the USPS has been sending it all over Central MO so we can’t call her right now. But my brother said she’s doing well.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Good news about your mom’s health–may that continue!
      Can you somehow get her another phone (prepaid plan, maybe?) for short-term use until her regular phone turns up?

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Very glad to hear that the transition went as well as it could? And it sounds like you are home (although phone is lost…)

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      I will check this out tomorrow–too tired right now to be a good audience–but sight unseen I want to reciprocate by mentioning Randy Rainbow, satirist, singer & human encyclopedia of Broadway musicals. Please accept apologies if he’s too political for this blog and no offense if you delete my comment.
      Anyway, have a good evening. I’ll show myself out.

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        I LOVE Randy!
        Do you know about Dustin & Genevieve? They do some amazing parodies. My very favorite is the Adele Hello parody, tho my daughters fab is Donut Drunk.
        They both have fantastic voices.
        The do some political parodies, but that is not their main focus.

      2. Quiet Liberal*

        Yes! I “discovered” Mr. Rainbow after I heard him interviewed by Terry Gross of Fresh Air on NPR. After that interview, I just had to look him up. Hilarious!

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll throw a dance video back at you– “Phenom” by Thao and the Get Down Stay Down. Not my usual listen, but I really like what they did with the format. They did this with Zoom, and the dance moves across frames. Seriously.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I missed Phantom of the Opera last week but I watched Twelfth Night this afternoon. I saw The Royal Opera House has opera broadcasts on YouTube as well.

  5. Jaid*

    My low grade fever came back, along with a cough, so I finally got to get tested. It kinda reminded me of a Pap smear…

    In better news, Asian places have finally started to re-open in my neighborhood, so I can get my egg rolls. And before I hear about making my own… BWAHAHAHAHA. No. I will gladly pay someone else to do that for me.

    But it looks like I’m gonna have to start playing with the damn supermarket apps again…

    1. LeahS*

      EGG ROLL WIN!

      Let me know if you need help with the apps, I’m good at figuring that type of stuff out. Hope you feel better soon!

    2. LGC*

      Oh man, I’m so sorry! Both that the fever and cough came back, but also that you have to fight for a slot on the apps. The tough thing is that the slots seem to open up around 2-3 AM? Or even at a random time in the early morning? (I’m East Coast US, so I’m not sure if this would differ for you.)

      If they’ll let you change your order, I’d just fill the cart with stuff to placehold, and then do a last-minute change.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      I single-handedly got my favorite chinese restaurant to use UberEats because, frankly, I would rather not eat at all than not have the steamed duck buns (well, I asked nicely if they would do delivery and they agreed, but I’ll take the win).

      Seriously, they’re so good. Crispy duck in a fluffy lotus bun. I have quite literally lived on those and chocolate ice cream at times.

    4. Jaid*

      I’m in Philly, and my go-to store is ShopRite. I’m getting a delivery on Friday! I went online around 12 midnight and got the slot. I’m stocking up on seltzer, snacks and kitty litter (I already have fruits and veggies in the freezer). Fortunately, I got 50 bucks of cat food last week so my cat will be fine.

      And thanks, guys! I don’t feel horrible, other than a small cough and fatigue when I exert myself and my temp spikes. I can be at 97.6 in the morning and 99.3 after a tepid shower. :-(

      1. LGC*

        OH MAN

        I’m from Jersey (yes, I’m plague-infested, thanks for asking), so I’ve heard a ton about how bananas it is getting a slot for ShopRite. You got insanely lucky getting a slot!

        My local go-to is Stop & Shop (which I think goes by Giant in PA), and their service (Peapod) is…intense. I’ve gotten on at midnight and slots two weeks out are booked in my area. I did manage to snag a slot a few weeks ago. But I just ended up admitting defeat and hauling myself to the store on a weekly basis.

        1. Jaid*

          Giant, yes.

          I redid my order after realizing I’m going to need more fruits and veggies the week AFTER.

          1. Penny Parker*

            My son bought a lot of groceries yesterday with delivery from a delivery service (I am so looking forward to the corned beef brisket!) and we ordered from our local, family owned, grocery store. They have done so many things right that I don’t think I will go anywhere else even after this ends, and we have an Aldi’s across the street from the local store.

          2. TexasTeacher*

            Thing is, if a store doesn’t carry everything on your list, you end up going to multiple places, increasing the risk. So, for me, that means HEB in Texas is where I’m headed.

          3. Nye*

            We primarily do, but there are a few necessities that we just can’t get at our town’s General Store or the local produce place. But we shop locally when at all possible. Most of our small businesses are much safer than the supermarket (fewer people, curbside service, etc). Plus it’s nice to know we’re supporting family-owned businesses.

  6. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    I am worried about my tomato seedlings as one variety are pale and shriveling. Did I use too much light? I’ve turned it off more the past few days.

    We may finally stop getting snow. I may be able to work in the garden tomorrow without freezing. I’m feeling lucky!

    1. NeverNicky*

      It’s doing well. Here in the UK we’ve had a dry, warm and sunny spring (unheard of to have so fee April showers) so things are really taking off.

      I bought a number of perennials and some tomato plants from a local nursery doing online sales and the last of the perennials are going in today. I’m hardening off the tomato plants after repotting – I have one of each of three different varieties. One is already trying to flower.

      Herb seedlings are generally doing well although the mint and oregano are being slow to germinate.

      1. Batgirl*

        I know, how lovely is this unlikely weather? I even bought a special cheery umbrella, as is my pre-spring tradition.

    2. Hazy Days*

      My garden is a daily delight at the moment (I’m in the UK, in East Anglia). It’s full of scented billows of plants – cerinthe major, bluebells, stocks, and coronilla valentina below, ceanothus at eye level, and then the trees coming into leaf high above. It’s very much a woodland garden, and the light comes in at this low spring angle and lights up the leaves.

      I’ve been able to do plenty of very short weeding sessions, and while there’s plenty more to do, I can see the results.

      My seedlings are coming on – I found enough seed compost at the end of the garden, and scrounged up enough seed trays – and I’m germinating them in the boiler cupboard.

      My biggest problem at the moment (apart from ground elder) is that the labels have washed off two seed trays. I’ve deduced that one of them is the giant form of the species and one the usual small form – but I have no way of telling which should go at the back of a border and which at the front!

      1. NeverNicky*

        I’m in East Anglia too Hazy Days and your garden sounds delightful. We have a number of mature trees and the dappled shade from them is lovely.

        1. Hazy Days*

          Hasn’t it been lovely! What are your tomato varieties? I have heard of a couple of informal sources but don’t know if I’ll be able to get my preferred varieties.

          1. NeverNicky*

            I have one each of Marmande, Gardener’s Delight and Honeycomb. The nursery that I got them from had to stop deliveries as a staff member has Covid-19 but I think others are still open – I found info on social media. Our nearest places are closed but this still pretty close.

      2. Gilmore67*

        Yay for spring flowers!!

        I got some flowers from a friend last fall and they are coming up ! My first Primrose came up a couple of days ago and more more are coming.

        My lilies area all showing their little heads and I have more shoots coming up every year.

        I have a bunch of other stuff coming up and dang if I can remember what some are ! I have the little tags but failed to remember which plant is what ! I can’t wait to see them. Some I know some I don’t.

        Note to self: Make a diagram of of the garden and write which plant is what and/or put a little wooden stick right by the plant to identify it.

        No worries and who cares !! Flowers are coming up great !! Love them all !!

        1. Amethystmoon*

          Went for a walk today (my state is allowing that), and I was happy about seeing dandelions blooming, and someone who lives on a corner of my usual route planted tulips. Also, some of the trees have little green leaves finally. Spring has sprung!

      3. Wired Wolf*

        We have a small courtyard on one side of our building that we want to do something with–a neighbor bought a few plastic chairs and we’re currently in talks with the management about whether we can do anything (possibly trade upkeep of the space for a rent credit as that would add value to the property–they can advertise a “yard”).

        In the apartment we have chives, a few geranium cuttings in water, potted geraniums, a tiny abused pot of clover that has lasted way longer than it should, a Christmas cactus, two cannabis plants and I just planted an assortment of hot peppers. A friend has put forth the idea of grafting the hot pepper and cannabis plants… I tried to root some scallion ends, but didn’t label the container and I think my mom threw it out by mistake :(

    3. Retail not Retail*

      The grass in the yard is popping up and crowding out the weeds except for the clover. We mowed on tuesday morning and the dandelions are doing their thing.

      Work planting has ground to a halt as we have no money so we’re on weed containment and mowing and cleaning up gumballs. There’s just so many!

      1. Retail not Retail*

        I forgot about wild onions. They smell better than chameleon weed but I’m still traumatized by one day in July when the bags were full of weeds and baking in the sun and had wild onions mixed in.

        I couldn’t figure out why I was smelling them until I remembered I brought my shoes from yesterday inside.

        You’re not really gardening if you’re not filthy!

    4. Likethecity*

      Tomato and potato seedlings are doing well (potatoes are in a new “tower” contraption so I can see growth already) and onions have sprouted! I haven’t been able to get much else in because I was waiting for this weekend since we just passed our supposed last frost day…and now we’re having a cold front and severe thunderstorms today, along with rain and cold temperatures for the first few days of the coming week.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Not a garden, but plant-y: I am sort of notoriously black-thumbed. Several years ago when my gran passed, I took an aloe plant from her windowsill as a remembrance. I gave a snip of it to my housemate’s mom – mine died, but hers thrived. She gave me back a snip of it a few months ago to try again and it’s just not doing well. It’s not growing, it’s kinda brownish and floppy.

      It is in a window where it gets lots of indirect light. Usually I spritz it a couple times with a spray bottle once a week because in the past I’ve overwatered – I haven’t even done that the last couple weeks because the internet suggested brown and floppy meant overwatering and it needed to dry out, but no change. Any other suggestions I might try, or is this one doomed too until quarantine lifts and I can take a third whack at not killing my gran’s plant?

      1. Likethecity*

        Hmmmm…from what I know about aloe plants, it still may be overwatered. I found an article on almanacdotcom that has a lot of good information. I didn’t try to link because I never get it to work correctly but if you go to that website and search for aloe vera, it’s the second article linked. Hope it helps!

      2. Natalie*

        I get what your thought process was but I don’t think spraying it with water was the right move. Dessert plants like dry air and won’t take up water from misting, at best it does nothing and at worst it damages them.

        Aloes also need an actual watering, just an infrequent one. If you want to try again, you want a container with holes in the bottom so excess water will drain out. Put it in the sink and water thoroughly maybe once a month (keep water off the leaves), then let it sit there to drain before you put it back in its usual spot.

      3. WellRed*

        Aloe? Water it like once a month. It’s a desert plant. Stop spraying it. Give it more direct sun.

      4. Ali G*

        What is it planted in? Succulents don’t do well in regular potting soil because it retains too much water. Also it needs to be in a solid pot – not terracotta because that also holds moisture. It definitely needs to be able to drain fully.

      5. Eponin*

        Also, since aloe is a succulent, try cactus/succulent soil. It drains better and doesn’t hold onto water as much as typical potting soil.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Last year I planted three peony roots and I’m happy to see two of the three growing. I want to buy a peony bush to replace the one that didn’t grow, but I can’t remember what color I planted last year and I didn’t save the packaging.

      Last year I demolished my large garden, because there was a ton of grass and weeds, as well as wild garlic and other things I didn’t want. I figured I’d just start over this year. Well, I had back surgery and now I can’t do anything with it. It’s kind of depressing to see some grass and weeds coming back and there’s nothing I can do about it since I’m not supposed to be doing anything like that yet. I could ask my husband to do it, but it’s a large area and he’s got other things he’s working on. As it is, he will need to do all the mowing and other yard work for the next couple months. I might check into hiring a landscaper to clean it up. Once that’s done, I don’t mind asking my husband to plant some things for me.

      The oregano, sage, and thyme in my raised bed are coming in like crazy. I planted them two years ago and they’re doing very well. I had planned to move them to the large garden I mentioned, but I guess that will need to wait, too.

      1. Anono-me*

        Can your husband dump the lawn clippings from the rest of the mowing over the the bare garden space? If he puts a thick enough layer down, it should help slow down weeds. (And actually it would probably be less work for him then bagging up the grass clippings for the compost collection.)

        Later when the time is right for you, you can just have a landscaper rototill it all together.

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      Pale and shriveling seedlings may mean too much water. I’m very excited that the weather should allow for some weeding finally….although also a little sad that pulling weeds has become such a highlight!

    8. Jen Erik*

      My tomato seeds haven’t germinated, and I’m beginning to think they might not. Four of the comfrey have come up in the last couple of days (we thought we’d try and use them to make fertiliser) , so that’s good. The kale seedlings are doing well, I’m putting them out to harden up during the day, and I started potting on the cosmos seedlings yesterday. I bought two intersectional paeonies two years ago, to see if they’d be less work, and they’ve each got a single bud on them, so I’m overexcited about that. I cannot remember which I chose, so I can’t wait.

      The big project – retirement project moved forward to fill in the time – taking up the shady border and putting a path in – is looking really good – as NeverNicky says it’s been unbelievably good weather here in the UK, and it’s great for that kind of work.

    9. Anonymath*

      The passion fruit vines are still blooming like mad, and we’re in for a super crop once the fruit start falling. I think I read that they’re not supposed to grow well in my area, but that person must not have told my plants. Neighbors walking by our side fence keep stopping and pointing at the flowers and fruit.

      Our volunteer cherry tomato plant is not only blooming, but it apparently left seeds across the side yard, so I’m now getting seedlings popping up. We’ve moved a couple of wooden pallets against the fence there to provide something for them to grow on. We can’t grow regular planted tomatoes for anything, so I’m very pleased these volunteers are back for a third year.

      Some sort of caterpillar has found my collards, which are now mostly holes, but the kale is still going. I’m starting to see some butterflies at my dill plants, which I am letting go to flower now.

      1. Natalie*

        Bt is an effective, organic control for many caterpillars and pretty easy to find in a spray form.

          1. Clisby*

            Bacillus thuringiensis. I’ve used it in powder form to kill tomato/tobacco hornworms and tomato fruitworms. My understanding is that it doesn’t kill pollinators.

          2. Natalie*

            Expanding a little on Clisby’s comment, it’s a species of soil bacteria that is toxic to certain pest larvae but doesn’t affect other insects or animals or humans. (There is one variety that is bad for honeybees but nobody’s selling that one as organic pest control.) Bt has been used for a long time as an organic insecticide, before “organic” was even a distinct thing.

    10. FormerTheatreArtist*

      My pepper sprouts have yet to develop their first set of true leaves, but my tomatoes and nasturtiums are doing very well right next to them! Wondering if it is a smidge too cold or what. It is 5 different varieties of pepper, all with the same issue. I might end up buying pepper plants this year :(
      In other news, my new raised bed should be ready to fill up with soil today!

    11. Ali G*

      Ugh it’s been too cold here and I am having the hardest time hardening off my pepper plants. I just want to get them in the ground already!
      On the plus side, my chives transplanted fine and my milkweed sprouted. I’m hoping they bloom this year.
      I’m super excited that next Monday we are getting our front garden beds redone. Buh-bye overgrown azaleas!!

      1. Wired Wolf*

        Chives can survive anything. We left a pot outside by mistake when it was 30-something degrees and nothing happened.

    12. Emily*

      No garden for me (I live in an apartment with no outdoor space of my own), but my windowsill mint plant is, as always, doing fine. I’m also trying to regrow some green onions in a water glass, although I’m wondering if I should transfer them to a pot at some point (I have one that is currently unused).

    13. pancakes*

      I started my tomatoes too late but they’re doing surprisingly well. Alpine strawberries too. I’ve been using a blue and red LED grow light on days there’s no sun and they seem to like it a lot.

    14. Parenthetically*

      We have a million blossoms AND A TOMATO on our tomato plants! So wild to have such an early start. Carrots, radishes, peas, and beans are up, spinach and lettuce are doing okay, cucumbers haven’t shown their faces yet but we got them in a bit later. It’s such a joy to count the seedlings every day! It’s not warm enough yet for the jalapenos, basil, or tomatoes to really be going, but soon!

      2. Eponin*

        Yes! I have cherry tomatoes and early bigger ones starting too. Plus basil, spearmint, lavender, bee balm, thyme, echinacea, peppers and carrots. Also a pile of seeds planted. Waiting to see what will come up.

    15. orange toes*

      I damaged my two balcony citrus this winter. We generally have mild winters (around 0’C) and I leave them outside. This year I took them in over a cold spell (-12C). That was probably a bit thermal shocky for them. they’ve both dropped all their leaves, but the wood is still green. We’ve had an amazing warm & sunny spring, but no leaves yet. If anyone has citrus experience. (grapefruit and lemon)

    16. MechanicalPencil*

      I have what I think is a bunny stealing bites from ripe strawberries. But the few unmolested strawberries I’ve managed for myself have been divine. Not enough plants to feed my strawberry problem though.

      I have some itty bitty baby spaghetti squash that are adorable. Not to mention two cauliflower heads. And more romaine and spinach than I really know what to do with.

      Snails. Wtf. Need some diatomaceous earth or something to fend them off. Never saw them before and now I have them in some of my planters.

    17. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I made a big start on totally revamping the front garden and then I kind of ran out of steam. I’m going to make myself get back to it tomorrow. I have several shrubs that I want to dig up and get rid of, or move, but the thought of it is making me feel tired already! But I’m sick of the way the front yard looks and this is the most time I’ve had to work on it for ages.

      It’s been very sunny but a bit chilly and windy here so I have not planted anything out yet. I have a ton of little seedlings that I started indoors that are not getting enough light through the window so I might have to start a new round but put them outside. I also have some over-ambitious plans to grow lots of vegetables so I need to actually figure out where the plants can go.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        And, ugh, I was trying to harden off some courgettes that I started too early but I think I may have killed them. :( They are looking very unhappy today. I will leave them inside for a while and see if they recover.

    18. Belgian*

      My clematis is really shooting up and is now almost as tall as I am (167cm)! My blackberry bush is flowering all over so I’m expecting a good harvest.
      I also decided to take advantage of being home all the time and order some plants online to be delivered. I don’t have a car so it’s otherwise hard to buy bigger plants. So now I have a (small) apple tree, raspberry bush and blueberry bush, alongside strawberries and cherry tomatoes on my patio! It’s fun to see it so full of plants.
      I’ve also repotted all my indoor plants as they were all infested with larvae. I took advantage to split up some plants so that I now have 6 extra in my living room :-)

    19. LQ*

      Not a garden but I have a click grow thing and all the seed things for it are being gouged to up for $50/thing so it’s sitting empty. I think I’m going to try to spend a little time the evening trying to read up on what it would take to rig a solution to this without it being $100 to have 3 tiny little basil plants.

      1. Venus*

        Such a shame! You should be able to rig something up. You need seeds, water, light, and nutrients. None are $100! Good lighting can be expensive, but you can go outside this time of year in the northern half. Good luck!

    20. RagingADHD*

      Great! April 15 is our last frost date here, so I direct-sowed my cucumbers, tomatoes, & squash. Need to go water them today. I am trying Asian noodle aka yardlong beans this year, so I need to get the trellis up and plant those soon.

      The spinach, kale, chard, lettuce & bush beans I put in several weeks ago are all coming along nicely. We’ve already eaten some of the greens once or twice, and the first planting of beans looks like it will flower soon. Carrots are starting to poke up their tiny sprouts.

      Asparagus is nearly finished, and I need to use the hot-pepper spray for beetles again.

      In the front, my peony bush has flower buds for the first time, so I’m watching it every day. So excited, I looooooove peonies.

      The plum, pear, blackberry, blueberries, and peach all have good fruit set. Need to thin the plum & peach. No apples again this year, we may have to either replace one of them or get a third to help cross-pollinate.

      Big good news is that we spent a bit of our stimulus check on a massive load of mulch! The nursery is also a farmstand, so stayed open. I was able to pay over the phone and have it dumped, no contact (though I did go stand about 30 feet back and chat to the dump truck guy).

      So we will have a halfway presentable front yard for the first time in years. Goodbye weeds, can’t wait to smother you!

    21. Crazy Chicken Lady*

      My potatoes are finally poking through. I threw in some compost when I planted them and the compost was overly moist so I was a bit worried that it may have rotted the row of potatoes. Nope. Seems to have done some good!

      My older asparagus bed has enough for a side dish this week. Some serious sized shoots have emerged and the deer have left them alone. My new bed of asparagus is looking amazing, and I’m hoping that next year will bring enough to eat and pickle!

      I potted up all of my tomatoes and peppers last week and they all seem to love it! Lots of new growth already. I’m hoping to start hardening them off this week. I need my corner of the living room back.

    22. Vicky Austin*

      I planted zucchini, tomatoes, and peas this year. I grew the zucchini and tomatoes from seeds and planted them in pots this winter. Yesterday, I transplanted them to my garden and also planted the peas.

  7. Princess Zelda*

    My groceries this week cost nearly twice as much as they usually do, even accounting for the fact I bought enough to stay home for several weeks and I’m not eating out at all. I’ve been doing mostly okay, money-wise, but the store nearest me isn’t doing sales and was completely out of store brand anything. I had to buy a more expensive version of every single product, and I bought some near-substitutions of things they were completely out of.

    Has anyone else’s budget gone completely haywire? Are there any ways I’m not thinking of to try to save money on food? If not on food, is there something else I could be doing? I don’t quite have to dip into my f-off fund but I don’t want to get anywhere near that point.

    1. Aphrodite*

      I limit my grocery purchasing to about once month or slightly less. (I will get milk and fresh produce more often but only small amounts.) So I tend to buy more to avoid frequent trips–the reason why my latest shop on Thursday cost me $298 (plus another $100 from another store for cat food I hope lasts closer to two months).

    2. Not A Manager*

      Do you like cooking and futzing in the kitchen? I’ve been making homemade stuff, partly because inventory is iffy, and I don’t want to shop, and what else am I going to do with my time? But also I’m saving money. The key is not to choose projects that require you to buy a bunch of start-up stuff that you wouldn’t already have on hand, or need to buy for your daily cooking.

      I’m also doing almost all of my housecleaning with a 3% bleach solution in a spray bottle, or with vinegar and water.

      We’re also conserving toilet paper by using clean rags when possible. I wash them in hot with a splash of bleach. We repurposed some old table napkins to be “kitchen only” rags, and we use those instead of paper towels.

      1. Princess Zelda*

        I usually cook most of my own food because of food allergies, and I’m cooking even more now because I don’t want to be That Person who reads the ingredients on every single TV dinner, leaving germs all over the place. It was pretty hard finding most of the base ingredients, and a lot of things I would normally get were out, like plain tomato paste and plain beans. I can’t eat regular spaghetti sauce or most brands of canned beans because of the added spices, so instead of buying the ingredients to make things I know how to make I had to simultaneously shop and figure out what to make for the next while. It’s a problem I’m not sure how to solve.

        I have been doing water-and-vinegar for my cleaning as well! It’s a good all-purpose and my appliances are all so shiny now. :)

        1. 00ff00Claire*

          I’m not sure if this would help with saving money, but it might help with planning. Does your grocery store have Instacart? I have not used Instacart for shopping, but I have figured out that they only display items that are in stock. So you could theoretically browse the store on Instacart before going in person. Then you could see what is available and make a list based on that. It wouldn’t guarantee that what you put on your list would be there, but at least if you want to check out a new frozen food, you could Google the ingredients instead of having to stand there in the aisle. I haven’t actually used this method of making my shopping list yet because one of our local chains has a pretty robust To Go system and it’s worked for us so far. Their employees do the “shopping” and we just pick it up. However there are other stores that I’ll eventually need to go to and I’m going to use Instacart to at least preview the inventory and hopefully make my trip more efficient. I have to avoid certain ingredients as well so I’m not going to make the trip if they don’t have what I need showing up in stock on Instacart.

        2. Jack Russell Terrier*

          Does your store have dried beans? I never use canned beans – so much more expensive and have those added things you mention. That could help with the budget. Is this something which would help you?

          I don’t soak either and they pretty much cook themselves – we’re all home anyway so having it gently simmering for an hour and half or so isn’t problem. I then have a vat of beans in their cooking fluid in the fridge that I can use in different ways with different seasonings.

          There’s lots of recipes online – but I love Joe Yonan’s book ‘Cool Beans’. He’s the Food Editor for the Washington Post (and a vegetarian verging on vegan).

    3. anon for this*

      I was just thinking about this today when I went to the store. Normally we have the ability to shop multiple stores that specialize in different things or have different deals. Now, one trip rules them all. Whatever that store has is what I get for the week, regardless of price or preference. I can absorb the cost, but so many people just can’t and it must be terrible having to shop like this on a very limited budget.

      2. schnauzerfan*

        It’s challenging. We live in blizzard country so we are used to keeping a stocked pantry. Now in the plague times, we do curbside pickup/allow substitutions. Cause if you don’t allow substitutions you get 1/3 of your order or so. With subs you can get a lot closer, and most of the time I don’t care. 12oz can or 16oz? No big deal. But yesterday we picked up an order that was supposed to be a 1 or 2 lbs beef roast. The cheap ones, for the crock pot. So $15 max and likely less. We got 6lbs of beef tenderloin. $60 worth of beef tenderloin. Ouch. Well I’m glad I have freezer space and glad that we won’t have to buy beef for several weeks… but thank heavens the budget can stand it. It’s not the worst thing that could have befallen the grocery order what with packing plant closures.

        1. filosofickle*

          I’m impressed your tenderloin would only be 10/lb…it would be double that near me!

          Early on, several friends said this would be a good time to clean out their freezer. Not me! I’m holding fast to my freezer goods in case of future disruptions — as long as I can get fresh meat/veg, that’s what I’ll do for now.

        2. That Girl from Quinn's House*

          I allow substitutions and I still only get half of what I ordered. It’s rough.

      3. Nita*

        Same thing. I’d say our food spending has gone up to 1.5 or 2 times what it usually is, because we go to one store, once in 3-4 weeks. Some things are just overpriced there, others have gone up in price. It would be a lot worse, but we’re in NYC and the schools hand out free lunch – first to the kids, and now to kids and adults. I think we’d go through our supplies and savings a lot faster without them, and would have to spend a lot more time jostling about in overcrowded stores.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Yes, mine went nuts. And, given the pending (soon) meat shortages, I guess it is okay. I had not done a Costco (regular) trip for 2 months, took a week-day off work, and stocked up for a big “make ahead” trip. In addition to meat and the makings for the 9 casseroles (lasagna from scratch and more), I also restocked sealer bags, t-shirts, vitamins, protein powder, coffee, and many many snacks, nuts, and other items I probably did not need.

      But if I truly do eat out of the deep freeze, with just a couple trips to the produce section over the next couple months, I will even it out again.

      I have been putting together care packagesfor the neighbor and another friend, so some of the costco size fresh stuff is being split out 2-3 ways. And I am not eating out. There was a time when that was the one thing hubs and I “did” together, and it was a big expense. So I’m still ahead.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I managed to spend over $700 at Costco last week. Partially that’s because I was buying some weird extra things (I spent about $60 on a battery pack that can jumpstart a car, in case mine sits so long that the battery runs down since I don’t want to call AAA during a pandemic, and I bought 3 new small rugs since my dog puked on my entryway rug and I also wanted a few more for dog beds in other places, and that sort of thing) but it’s also because I usually strategically buy things at various stores based on price, brand, and quantity and instead decided screw it, this is the only place I’m going and I will buy all the things.

      A lot of it will come out in the wash in my case since it was buying things I’ll use up in larger-than-usual quantities, but it was still a completely different size of number than I usually see at the grocery store.

      1. Alcott*

        FWIW, AAA is handling things pretty well right now, at least where I am in Los Angeles. I tried to do a grocery run a couple weeks ago when it was pouring rain (figuring it’s LA and everyone else will be hiding at home), but had a flat. AAA showed up, masked and gloved, I stood 6 feet back, and he didn’t make me sign any forms for the call. Also bonus, they showed up in about 10 minutes instead of the usual 60-90.

        1. filosofickle*

          I had to be towed two weeks ago, though through my insurance not AAA. He was not gloved or masked. The only acknowledgement of the situation was a text message saying that they could not drive me with the car to the shop. At one point I was standing too close and corrected myself, saying out loud “Oh, I’m not 6 feet.” He asked “Do you buy that?” and I assumed he meant did I think physical distancing was important or necessary. In retrospect, I wonder if he meant it more generally, like did I think this is a hoax.

    6. Square Root of Minus One*

      I thought the same as you, but your question prompted me to crunch the numbers on my accounts, and it appears my food spending remained incredibly stable. The Feb (normal month, remember?), March and April spending is within a margin of like €20 ($22).
      However, supermarket prices have gone wild. My average bill there is almost 50% more. No sales is a BIG factor, since I usually take advantage of some. So that could explain some of your inflation.
      But I don’t buy there a lot, and espacially very rarely buy prepared food, only raw product (flour, fruit, veggies ; no meat though). I usually favor a few organic, locally-owned places with locally-grown products: I find the food (aside from being better and healthier in my opinion), can be kept much longer and it’s a better deal for me when I don’t know exactly when I can have a big batch-cooking session. Those prices clearly haven’t increased that much, if they have at all. If anything, supermarket prices just seem to have caught up.
      Also, I don’t eat out at work anymore, so there’s about a third of the food budget right back in my pocket. But then, when I resume work on site, cooking at home as much as I do now won’t be sustainable (you can’t have a stew cook for hours or bread baking in the oven when you’re not here, obviously…).
      Big caveat: I don’t live in the USA, I live in Europe, and food prices have as little in common as gas prices between both areas.

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      Glad it’s not just me! We’re spending nothing on gas or going out, but the grocery budget seems to have more than made up for it. The stores near me will not accept paper coupons anymore either, and they want everyone to use credit cards instead of cash to keep contact with the cashier limited. I get it, but there is currently nobody in my household with a job so we’re trying to be careful.

    8. Fikly*

      My food spending is up, but physical therapy and other things I do to keep my pain levels down being closed means this month I didn’t spend $1400. So I’m actually winning financially. Pain wise, not so much.

    9. Ranon*

      If there are ethnic groceries near you ours at least seem to be better stocked- I shopped at our (giant, very diversely stocked) hispanic grocery this week and they were so well stocked on dry legumes they actually had some on clearance, and no purchase limits in sight (good news for my family that goes through up to 6 lbs of dry beans a week when our other stores have a 3lb per trip limit) Some types of rice were low and pasta was very low but pretty much everything else was in stock and store brands were plentiful.

      1. filosofickle*

        In my area, the neighborhood & ethnic grocery stores have been the real winners. Weeks in the Safeway was still stripped bare, but we were finding eggs and beans easily at a small local shop.

      2. Senior Montoya*

        Wish I could. My favorite latinx grocery store is open, but the aisles are so narrow I don’t feel comfortable shopping there. Same with the local Vietnamese grocery.

    10. Overeducated*

      For the first two trips (over about a month) we spent a lot more, trying to anticipate everything we might run out of over two weeks instead of just getting what we needed right away. We’re also ok cooking vegetarian when meat is picked over, but our regular store has had limited and poor produce recently, so we’ve been spending extra on a produce box from a wholesale distributor that is selling direct to consumer right now.

      The good news is that yesterday’s grocery trip was almost normal. Still no flour after six weeks, but most other stuff was there (even toilet paper), and our total was about average for two weeks pre-pandemic. The supply issues we’re stuck with, as well as more expensive alternatives, but at least we’re getting better at planning and rolling with what’s available.

      1. schnauzerfan*

        Several of the restaurants in our area that are still doing drive thru or curbside will sell you flour, sugar, butter even toilet paper. Look for somebody locally owned.

        1. Overeducated*

          That’s actually what I did yesterday! Picked up regular and rye flour from a local bakery, along with a couple cheddar scones for brunch. Definitely pricier but as we’re discussing, not a lot of alternatives.

    11. Alex*

      Prices were raised on a lot of basic items in my area, regardless of sales. Eggs and beans were two noticeable ones. I’m sure it will just get worse as food workers get sick and farms can’t harvest their crops. Brace yourself.

      Without knowing what you eat, it’s hard to know how you can save money. I find I save money by cooking in large batches rather than cooking a bunch of different things. Yes, this means I eat the same thing all week, and that doesn’t work for everyone, but it is just so much less expensive (and less time consuming) to cook one dish that serves six than six dishes that serve one. I freeze leftovers sometimes too, so I can swap out meals during the week occasionally.

      If you eat meat, try to stretch your meat by bulking your meat dishes up with rice, potatoes, oats, beans, or mushrooms (depending on exactly what you’re making). I try to get at least five meals out of a pound of meat.

      If you cook with broth, make your own with kitchen scraps–save peelings and trimmings from carrots, onions, celery, herbs, etc., by keeping them in the freezer, and then when you have a good amount, simmer those trimmings with some salt and peppercorns. Free broth!

    12. Rebecca*

      I noticed the least expensive items are always sold out now on grocery pickup online. Like, Great Value canned salmon is almost always not available, but the $7/can brand is. Plain oatmeal is almost always sold out. Frozen fruit, sold out. I’m not worried about meat since I live in a rural area and am able to obtain it otherwise, but things like pasta and butter sold out, eggs up to $3 a dozen, etc. I cook everything from scratch and make things like chili, or wraps, or salads, but it’s challenging getting basics without spending a ton. I worry about people who need to use WIC or SNAP benefits – this has to be difficult for them if the things they have to choose from are higher in price now.

      1. Skeeder Jones*

        In California, they gave extra SNAP benefits for April and May. I don’t know the amounts and I know it varies based on family size and whether they were already getting the max in benefits, but I had a few friends on FB that posted they got extra and the amounts were available online.

    13. Jules the 3rd*

      Yes, we’ve had the same issue, though not as dramatically, the store brand stuff is still available here. But it’s hard to tell the stock piling impact from ‘fewer sales’ impact. My husband found a cereal he reaaaaallly likes BOGO, so we now have 12 of them. Before covid 19, he’d have bought 4 and assumed we’d hit a sale on them before we ran out.

      We are shifting what we buy some – less processed stuff, more components – but we’re trying to get the kid to make his own lunches, and he’s not up to anything more than ‘mix and heat’ yet, no chopping. We’ve bought some beans, but haven’t done much with them.

    14. Dan*

      When I check out at the grocery, yes, my bills are way up.

      But I’m trying to figure out how much of this is increased spend is a function of increased prices vs “changing” buying habits.

      It used to be that I’d shop once per week or once every two weeks, buy enough to “cook a meal” (which, for one, often lasts 3-4 meals), eat out a few times a week, and eat lunch at the company cafeteria. So the amount of food I needed to buy in any one trip is rather minimal.

      Now? WFH means eating lunches at home, eating almost all of my meals at home, not going out on the weekends, and getting takeout every once in awhile.

      At my favorite store, I always shop with the mini carts, which are more than enough space. Now? I’m jamming the mini cart full. My freezer is *stocked*. Some of this was a bit intentional, because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that if the virus knocks out food production workers at any point in the supply chain, then gee, what does that mean wrt food on the shelf?

      At this point, I’m good for a bit, so my grocery bills shouldn’t be as bsd.

    15. J.B.*

      What are you buying and what kind of kitchen equipment do you have? Potatoes, sweet potatoes, rice, and beans (dried are cheapest but canned never too bad) are good things to base meals around. Even though eggs are hit or miss and more expensive than normal, they will be less than meat. Plain oatmeal can be flavored however you like, you can make granola or snacks out of that and nuts, etc. If you do eat meat bacon and sausage are great additions for flavor, with small amounts overall in a meal with lots of vegetables. Homemade pizza crust is pretty quick – although I can’t find bread flour there is usually all purpose or self rising (if you use self rising, leave salt out of any recipe.)

      Our grocery purchases have probably gone up by 50% overall. We are not eating out, and although we get takeout for variety it is probably less than when working.

      1. Princess Zelda*

        I generally eat what I think of as middle-class Americana but minus the meat — spaghetti, beans&cheese, teriyaki veg over rice, mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches, that kind of thing. I’m generally finding parts of what I need, but not all of it — I have cheese but no beans, pasta but no sauce, I can only find Expensive Gluten-Free Flour, etc. Eggs and dairy are plentiful here, since we’re close to a major national source. I bake a lot usually, and having no flour is stressing me out; I caved and bought a small bag of coconut flour and I’m hoping it substitutes correctly.

        I’m also having a lot of smoothies, since produce is relatively plentiful, being near a Major National Source — my poor blender is not used to working this hard!

        1. Susie*

          Coconut flour absorbs a LOT of liquid, so I don’t think it can be subbed straight. But I’ve used it in combination with almond flour and other nut flours in baking.

          Depending on what you want to bake, you might do better looking up a recipe for a similar item online that uses the type(s) of flour that you have. That way you benefit from others’ baking tests and not waste what you have.

        2. J.B.*

          The flour thing just feels odd. I never expected stores to run out of bread flour! I have pretty reliably found self rising flour and self rising cornmeal if everything else is out. If you can find cornmeal, consider trying cornbread-y stuff. OK so you can consider: cauliflower pizza crust (no idea what recipes are good but google suggests some things), tortilla espanola, you might be able to make something like chicken and dumplings using whatever flour substitutes in the bits of dough. Breakfast tacos can be made with meat or vegitarian, in our house the basics are hash browns or sweet potatoes and eggs. There are various Asian noodle dishes with peanut butter or sesame paste and lots of veggies in them.

    16. Belgian*

      It’s been on the news here that groceries have become more expensive because of all that’s going on. Grocery stores were not allowed to run promotions for a couple of weeks because of hoarders.

      1. Rebecca*

        I just saw a notice that a grocery store chain here in PA has stopped publishing weekly circulars because they can’t guarantee that items will be available, or enough will be available, if advertised.

    17. LifeBeforeCorona*

      Food prices are expected to rise :( especially meat. In my old days, I was a vegetarian and it looks like I may be one again. On the plus side, my local pizza place is having regular deals on their pizzas. I can buy 2 for 1 and freeze the second.

    18. AnonLurker Appa*

      Yes – we usually go to 3-4 different stores to get what we want at the right price, and now we are spending way more to get what we want at just 1-2 stores. It doesn’t help that the closest store is stocked well and is a natural foods coop so its expensive, but we can at least get what we are looking for.

      1. Happy Lurker*

        This has been my experience as well. I used to go to various stores throughout the week and now go once a week. My bill has just about doubled and we only added 2 college kids in the last 2 months.

    19. Crazy Chicken Lady*

      I keep a pretty deep pantry (pantry room in the basement actually). The few things I was caught short on I’ve been able to buy from amazon.

      My fav grocery store closed its bulk bins, which is understandable but it’s how I usually buy beans and lentils. I paid much more for garbanzo and black beans than I normally would but I didn’t have to go anywhere. That same store is selling 25lb bags of beans/rice/lentils/peas. I probably have enough green split peas to last me, um, forever?

      I was actually a bit surprised that my pasta supply was down so far. We don’t eat it very often but I’m pretty sure my youngest grabbed a bunch to take back with him to college when he was here recently. I now have 16 lbs of cut spaghetti pasta, which was what I could find on amazon for a reasonable price ($1/box). I also ordered some items thru amazon pantry and was able to get a couple of boxes of bow tie pasta for a normal price ($1.25/box).

      I’m sure youngest child will sweep thru again in two months and restock his apartment at college.

      I haven’t had to buy flour yet. I was able to find yeast a few weeks into this so I could mail some off to my oldest kid. (Both boys are in college and have, like so many, taken up baking during this pandemic).

      Things should stay interesting through the summer.

    20. Penny Parker*

      You may want to consider buying in bulk, real bulk not from a bin. Back in March I bought a 25 lb bag of gluten free oatmeal because I eat it every day and it is hard to get outside of the city (I am very rural; 100 mile trip to the city and back). I also bought a 25 lb bag of lentils because they are very versatile. Chickpeas are also quite versatile so they would make a good bean to purchase in a large bulk size bag. I find purchasing like that keeps my overall bill down.

    21. Dave the Corn Huckster*

      Walmart is out of spaghettios and local supermarkets are at $1.49. I just ordered 8 at Target for .99¢ This will be my excitement for tomorrow.

    22. CastIrony*

      I can only offer sympathy. Every time I go to the grocery store, I end up buying things I think I need and spend a hundred dollars. Thank goodness I do not go often!

    23. Amethystmoon*

      I’ve been going out every other week, and eating lots of leftovers. I tend to do things like make hot dishes, random stir fries, soups and stews that can be frozen. I’m only one person but rotate leftovers most of the time.

  8. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    For the record, this thread is NOT limited to fiction, any writing goes.
    For me it’s mostly been progress on my paper, and a new fanfiction idea because my brain likes to give me new ideas while I’m in the middle of something else.

    1. Hanna*

      I’ve written 1,5 pages of fanfiction! I’m so excited because it’s been ages since I last wrote something and the words just flew across the page, it was such a joy! Also dove into my computer and found some old drafts I had forgotten about, they were actually quite good. I am wondering if I should just post them somewhere as bits and pieces. I probably won’t finish them but maybe someone else would enjoy the ideas? (Eh, probably not.)
      Also have been taking notes for an original fic idea – it is quite exciting, I usually only get fanfiction ideas and maybe now I can begin something of my own!

      1. Blueberry*

        *cheers you on*

        FWIW, I really like finding “unfinished and discontinued” works on AO3 and reading about what authors planned to do with them. It’s like looking at a half built building and seeing inside the structure.

      2. Laura H.*

        *Also cheers you on*

        Unfinished stuff is fun but can also be vexing, but I do agree with blueberry!

      3. LifeBeforeCorona*

        I’ve started walking again and that is the perfect time to consider plot and character developments. I wrote another chapter in a week after writing nothing for a long time. Stress doesn’t feed my imagination. I’m over my writer’s block, I hope!

    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’ve resumed writing this week. I am so happy. I’m fleshing out my characters, restructuring my story, thought more about the story I am interested in telling.
      It feels good, really :)

    3. A Tired Queer*

      I recently revisited an old plot bunny that’s been in hibernation for about 8 years. Woke it up and started feeding it with everything I’ve learned about story structure and character motivation since then, and now it’s happily hopping around! I missed being inspired to write, so this is delightful. It’s one thing that I can plan without having to worry about external cancellations!

    4. Laura H.*

      I updated but in the process went from “character 101” to “character 501” without any of the prerequisite stepping blocks.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been working on stuff for the screenplay class, although I got distracted by finishing up a new book trailer. The old one was so incredibly dumb. This one is much better — well, as good as it can be with my limited computer resources and knowledge. I really need to learn to use video editing software, but one thing at a time.

      I hired a voice-over actor I met when I went to Cardiff and he did a FANTASTIC job.

      https://youtu.be/iZTXzqWz6pY

    6. Nynaeve*

      So far, I haven’t had much energy for writing, but I have been going back through some of my old NaNo novels and Script Frenzy scripts to 1) remember what I even wrote, 2) see which, if any, spark inspiration for rewrites, and 3) flag potential revision issues.

      I also stumbled across a free webinar on revision while I was exploring different webinar platforms, so I watched that and found it helpful.

    7. Trixie, the Great and Pedantic*

      It occurred to me that I could fit a canon OTP into the sprawling AU I’ve been writing, so I started working on how they would get together given the changed circumstances, but then another character inserted himself into the narrative and the scope proceeded to go a little crazy; we’re now 12K words and three months in-story time into the story, and these two dingbats haven’t even held hands yet.

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    For the record, this is not limited to video games, any kind of game goes.
    I’ve been on a bit of an Igavania binge with Bloodstained: Curse of the Moon (loved it, though thank God for casual mode), Castlevania: Dracula X Chronicles and the Castlevania game that is known as Circle of the Moon in the US (in Europe it’s simply called “Castlevania”, just to make things confusing). I really love metroidvanias in general so…

    1. CorruptedbyCoffee*

      Well, we finished new vegas, finally played through journey and now we’ve started The Council. Can’t say I like it much. The perks system is neat, but the main female character is supposed to be Georgian and yet is wearing a fully backless, strapless black leather gown, with boobs out to here. Every other character is male and dressed mostly accurately. It’s so distractingly silly. And the main character is a bit of a twit. I donno, I guess we’ll see.

      I’m debating buying the new final fantasy, but still undecided.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        If you mean the remake of FF7, I’ve heard nothing but good things about it, although I can’t confirm anything for myself because Final Fantasy has never really been my thing.
        I’m also a bit on the fence about their decision to cut the game into multiple parts. I mean, I get it, game development comes with limitations, but they could at least put “part 1” or something in the title.

    2. Caterpie*

      I started The Long Dark, which has been interesting so far. It took me a while to figure out how to get my character from lurching 10 feet every few seconds and I don’t love the combat, but the story and art are hooking me in.

    3. FormerTheatreArtist*

      Animal Crossing ftw! Then back to Red Dead 2, once I get tired of island life.

      1. Nessun*

        It’s so confusing how I’m utterly annoyed to be doing nothing but digging clams, making bait, and fishing off the pier, and yet I dont want to stop!! (I want a marlin before they leave in 5 days!)

    4. Beancat*

      I’ve been playing pretty much nothing but Animal Crossing. It makes me happy and gives me things to do when everything else is kind of hard right now :) my friends, husband, and I all do a weekly D&D game over Roll20 which has helped fill that social needs bar!

    5. A Tired Queer*

      I finally installed Skyrim Special Edition with all the DLC and modded the bejeezus out of it. Forgot how much I loved this game until I got back into it! I wish I could figure out why my desktop, which can run SSE at high res with no hiccups, keeps barfing every time I try to play a Fallout game… But until then, there’s Skyrim.

    6. Cruciatus*

      Jackbox Games people, I need help! So I downloaded a few packs and followed the instructions to share the game remotely. I used my sister as a guinea pig and using Zoom she could see my screen but she wouldn’t hear it. The Jackbox Games instructions don’t say anything about this. What do I need to do? Do I need a mic? I hit “Share sound to others” in Zoom but that didn’t work. (Also, someone told me not to use Zoom so if you use another service that works well, please share!)

      Also, if my friends are playing on their phones will I see them or they see me? I’m assuming not, unless they also have a laptop with a web camera in front of them, right? I feel like this is supposed to be obvious based on the lack of instruction regarding it, but it’s not obvious to me!

      1. Nynaeve*

        I got you, fam!

        When you have the option to share your Zoom screen, make sure you select the screen with the game you want to play already started. In the lower left corner there will be a checkbox that says, “Share computer sound.” Check this box. But! You will also want to right-click on your speaker in your computer settings and choose “Open volume mixer” to adjust the sound. You’ll want to turn the volume on Jackbox Games almost all the way down because it defaults to LOUD.

        When I invite people to the game, I tell them that they should have two devices: 1) a laptop/computer/tablet with a webcam so they can see the screen and 2) a tablet or smartphone they can use to submit their answers. It’s possible that you may be able to toggle between screens on the phone, but that would cut into your response time, so I wouldn’t recommend it. (Side note: in the game settings, you can also select extended timer if you think people need more time to respond.)

        I hope this helps!

          1. Nynaeve*

            You’re welcome! I hope it works for you! (I should mention, in the volume mixer, there will be an option for Jackbox Games and for the game itself – it’s the volume for the game itself that you really want to turn down.)

            Which games are you going to play? I can recommend all the games in Party Packs 3 & 4, as well as Drawful 2, which is reliably hilarious. Trivia Murder Party is fun, but a little intense, and both Monster Seeking Monster and Survive the Internet work better with at least 4 people. Fibbage 3 and Quiplash 2 are probably the easiest to understand right out of the gate. If you’re playing with older relatives or people you don’t know as well, you can check the family-friendly option for several of them.

            Have a blast!

    7. Nicki Name*

      Dominion Online and FE3H. Also the play-by-post game that my new favorite Pathfinder Society character was trapped in has come back to life with a new GM, and I’m looking forward to getting her into a few VTT games, now that my weekend schedule is totally open.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Nil.

      My sleep is screwy, and when I don’t sleep I can’t write. All my creative energy is going toward trying to manage stress in constructive ways (with mixed results).

    10. Quake Johnson*

      Is anyone else feeling totally parched for new games? I’ve been looking forward to The Last of Us 2, Avengers, New Lego Stars and whatever WB Montreal and Rocksteady are making for literally YEARS.

    11. Katrianah (UK)*

      Working on my last class mount in WoW now my DK is 120 and can solo all the things. Forgot how much fun Blood is.
      Still puttering around in My Time at Portia, and poking around the season in Diablo 3 with my game husband

    12. Anonymath*

      Too much time in Disney Magic Kingdoms. I’m afraid that Disney parks are my happy place, and with them closed I’m a bit more anxious than normal, so I get my fix in the game.

    13. Annoyed admin*

      Final Fantasy Vii Remake! Very cool and engaging for the most part but drags at some parts – and no spoilers but they kind of upend expectations, story-wise, in a way I’m still processing…

    14. AnonEMoose*

      We played Pathfinder today with the other two members of our local gaming group, thanks to Google Hangout. My DH and I each run a campaign and take turns being the GM, so we both get to play, and not just run the game all the time. We had fun, and it was good to see and talk to both of the others.

    15. Quoth the Raven*

      Resident Evil 3, the remake, just to take a break from Red Dead Redemption for a weekend (I love that game with all my heart, but I’ve been playing it exclusively for over a year now).

      I wasn’t caring much for it at first, but it’s definitely growing on me now that I’ve had some practice with the controls, and I’m having fun with it.

    16. DarthVelma*

      The partner’s family dropped off some birthday stuff for him yesterday, including Mansions of Madness. We ran the first scenario twice last night. It was a lot of fun, but wow did we get our butts kicked. (Especially in game two where a) we were both inebriated, and b) I had THE worst luck with the dice.)

      It’s the first tabletop game we’ve done that required a companion app. I have to say, I was dubious about the whole app concept going in, but it turned out to be really well done.

    18. Nynaeve*

      As you can see from my detailed replies to Cruciatus, I’ve been playing a lot of Jackbox Games, lol. (Specifically, Party Packs 3 & 4 and Drawful 2.) Just this week, I’ve had 6 different gaming sessions and I have at least 1 more today. I played with my family, my friend Alix and her husband, my writing group, my middle school friend and her coworkers, my coworkers, and my regular game night group. Last week, I played with my college friends. Apparently I’m a regular Jackbox floozy – I’ll play with anyone! :-D

      I also started replaying Gone Home, which is an exploration mystery game. You come home to your family’s new house on a rainy midnight and it’s empty – you have to explore the rooms, find evidence, and piece together what happened.

    19. Smol Book Wizard*

      I started playing the lovely little game Kisima Ingitchuna (Never Alone) – it is a very pretty puzzle/jump/mechanism adventure themed off Alaska Native legends with input from their storytellers. I’m not great at it, but it scratches the same itch as Gris – aesthetically lovely, hard enough to be a challenge but not impossible, frequent save points to help me and my clumsy fingers.
      My favorite feature is that a lot of puzzles can only be solved by the girl and the fox alternating their talents!

    20. Amethystmoon*

      I downloaded Civ 6 finally, and that’s pretty good. Also am in a D&D 2e game on Fantasy Grounds, and also some other games on that system that rotate and have off weeks. My Star Trek group is currently stopping and deciding to play something else.

    21. The Rat-Catcher*

      I’ve played Luigi’s Mansion and Link’s Awakening this week, for video games. For board games, I’ve played Trouble and Sorry with my kids and Trivial Pursuit (both original and Harry Potter) for the adults. Apparently they’ve changed some of the Sorry cards since my last time playing. I drew a 2 and was all set to draw again and my kids were super confused as to why I just felt like I could take another turn.

  10. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    Little background. I had been sick a long time, with two completely unrelated things. Two years ago I had double major surgery and almost a year before that I found out that I had significant food allergies, which I have had my ENTIRE life (what a revelation that I’m not a lazy flake – it was what the food was doing to my body!).
    I think that I’ve posted about both before.
    So I REALLY thought that 2020 was going to be a banner year. Fully recovered from the surgeries, finially got the hang of the food thing, etc. I started working part time and I’ve been doing projects at home like crazy.
    And then corona. I’m worried & scared. I’m a history buff- I know about plagues and it terrifies me that so many people are so blase about this. I miss my friends, I miss my family.
    But… I’m still doing projects. I’m excited about getting them done (even if doing them is NOT fun, like scrubbing the kitchen walls, ceiling & cupboards, haha!). And I feel better than I did for over 50 years (and I’m not salty about that at ALL -rolls eyes-).
    My projects aren’t just house related, I’m stitching (s l o w l y) and organizing my craft room/office and learning new skills for my Airbrush biz. So personal health is good and I’m kinda content and keeping busy. Most days.
    I’m really missing my Faire Friends & Family, tbough.
    Life is weird.

    1. Hazy Days*

      You say you’re a history buff and this is triggering your knowledge of past plagues and epidemics – would it be at all reassuring if I said that l and various friends and co-workers have probably had covid-19, and we’re fine. The people with health vulnerabilities have been sicker for longer, and the person who has major existing health problems has been definitely sicker for about four weeks now – but no-one has needed urgent care, everyone has been okay in their own beds, sofas and garden chairs, my disabled friend is making cheerful phone calls, etc. The main issue we’ve had is trying to re-start work too soon, but that’s now recognised as an issue and we’re avoiding it. It’s not great, but it’s fine.

    2. Fikly*

      I’m finding history of plagues reassuring, actually.

      In the history of humanity, we have eradicated exactly one contagious disease in humans. We have had vaccines for an extremely small amount of time. We have had sanitation for an extremely small amount of time. And yet here we are, over 7 billion of us, covering pretty much the entire planet.

        2. Fikly*

          Yup. There’s one other that was eradiated, but it didn’t infect humans. I forget what it was.

          1. Sleepless*

            Swine fever was eradicated in several countries in the 1960s, and James Herriott wrote that every vet in the UK should start his/her day by doing a happy dance and saying, “Yay, there’s no swine fever now!”

        3. Penny Parker*

          My mother was born with smallpox. The doctor slapped a quarantine sign on the house as soon as he was done with the delivery. This was the day after Black Friday. I grew up with stories of quarantine and plagues. I know several people who had parents die from tuberculosis; it left lasting trauma throughout the family line. I am also quite scared.

    3. Copenhagen*

      My outlook on this, as a historian, is that an epidemic/pandemic has never been taken more seriously in the history of the world than the one going in right now. We’ve never had better health care, we’ve never had better ways of communicating and collaborating internationally and we’ve never been more knowledgeable about diseases and how to treat them than we are now.

      There are a lot of people working their butts off to figure out how to treat and/or prevent COVID-19, and while they do not now exactly what they are dealing with since this is alle very new, I have the deepest confidence that they’re doing their absolute best based on the experiences and knowledge they’ve acquired through years of studies and long careers.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        yes all this!

        I actually find the history soothing, in a big picture way. Society didn’t collapse in 1918, so it probably won’t this time either. I worry about my family and friends, I feel sad for those who have suffered and died, but the world overall will probably keep going. And 1918 inspired Europe’s public health system – I *really* have hopes it will be the push to get the US started on that.

      2. London Calling*

        My thoughts exactly. If we have to have a pandemic then given the level of scientific and health knowledge we have world wide, we’re in the best possible place we can be. In 1665 we’d have been leaving whole households to die at home with guards posted outside to ensure that no-one got out.

    4. fposte*

      There’s a nice article on Slate right now about people’s experiences of life going back to normal after a pandemic; there are reports from people who lived through SARS in China, polio in the U.S., even the 1918 flu.

    5. AnonEMoose*

      I feel you…I was internally debating recently whether this is more like the Black Plague or the Sweating Sickness.

  11. Might be Spam*

    My landlord has been putting off repairing a wall in the bathroom since before Christmas. I think moisture is causing the paint to bubble. This is a recurring problem that has been fixed before. I think he needs to fix the wall tile or it will keep happening. His plan is to fix the drywall and not the tile. He said it would take several visits.

    Since he has been putting this repair off for so long anyway, is it reasonable to ask him to wait longer? He has several other properties that he takes care of and I am concerned about being exposed to COVID-19. The fact that I had to explain what a pandemic was worries me.

    I could use some scripts for talking to him. I don’t want him to feel like I am accusing him of anything. I would like to have the root cause of the problem to be fixed and my first priority is not getting sick.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am missing something here. If he has not fixed the leak, there isn’t any point to fixing the drywall. It will just get wet again.
      Maybe your inroad is to ask him to fix the leak, which suddenly makes the project bigger and maybe he would push it to the back burner for the moment?
      Here, my thinking is if you can’t get him to slow down because of Covid-19, maybe you can find another way to get him to slow down.
      Or perhaps you have to do video meetings and the background noise from the repair would interfere with your ability to hear/participate.
      Think about other reasons why now is a bad time for this project. If he isn’t hearing you about Covid-19, then you are wasting energy with that talking point. Perhaps there are other ways to get to the same result where he postpones the repair.

    2. Natalie*

      If some kind of water damage is happening, he should fix it although it isn’t clear that’s what he’s going to do. I don’t have script suggestions, but I have suggestions for you assuming he really does need to fix it. I know it’s really freaky to have someone in your home, but there are some simple things you can do to make this a very low risk encounter.

      Remember this virus is not airborne – it’s not going to migrate out of the room in which he’s working by itself and come find you. So first thing is being elsewhere, whether that’s another room of the apartment, in your car, or outside on a long walk, depending on what’s feasible for you. You don’t need to let him in – my husband (apt maintenance guy) talks to the tenants through their doors and then lets himself in after they’ve shut themselves in a bedroom.

      Second, he should wear a mask and sanitize the surfaces where he’s been working once he’s done. Ask him what he has to accomplish that. I would probably sanitize the room myself as well, just in case he missed something, but wait a couple of hours for his respiratory droplets to settle. And hit your doorknobs, light switches, etc while you’re at it. A standard dilute bleach solution or rubbing alcohol in a spray bottle would do the trick. If you don’t have anything like that and can’t get any he should provide something for you.

      If none of those things are an option – you’re in a small studio with no car, this is a multi-hour repair, neither of you have or can source bleach – you have a lot more standing to ask him to delay.

    3. bunniferous*

      Oooh, no bueno. He needs to fix the source of the moisture before he does anything else. There is probably mold or mildew behind that wall-and if there is not there will be-and THAT can be a health hazard (I work in the real estate field with foreclosure homes so not just pulling that out of my posterior.)

      There is no point in him fixing the drywall OR the tile before he does that.

    4. RC Rascal*

      Do you have an older bathroom with a window but without a bath fan? Per code in my area, it used to be OK not to have a bath fan as long as there is a window in the bathroom. The problem is that these bathrooms tend to have moisture issues. Also, are you sure it is drywall? Is it possible the bathroom walls are plaster? If so, that’s even more bubbling from moisture.

      The only real remedy is an installed, properly ventilated bath fan. Your landlord probably isn’t going to be willing to do this. They fix this by scraping off the bubbling, filling with joint compound, sanding, and painting. It will always come back. Keeping the window cracked does help, as long as you don’t live in an overly wet/humid climate.

      If you have room you can install a box fan and run it after your showers. Most of the bathrooms old enough to be built this way usually don’t have room for one, though.

      1. Natalie*

        A desiccant like Damprid can also help a bit, especially in a small enclosed room like a bathroom. Not a substitute for a bath fan, of course.

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      As far as a script to use, can you ask him to explain what his steps will be to keep you and him safe during the repairs?

      Are there guidelines in your state you can refer to?

    6. Dancing Otter*

      I’ve been putting off calling my landlord about slow drains. They said five weeks ago that they were only going to be doing emergency maintenance. So maybe they wouldn’t do anything anyway, but I don’t know whether I would want to let them in even if they were willing.
      It’s not the end of the world to soak your feet in the shower, right? But it’s hard to clean the tub when the dirty water just sits there for twenty minutes until the dirt and soap scum settle out.

      1. Natalie*

        Please call them and let them know. They need to maintain their building, and often the only way they’ll know about something wrong is from a tenant reporting. Assuming they even need to enter your apartment – some drain issues can be fixed from the main clean out – you’re not putting yourself at risk unless you stand in the bathroom with them.

      2. RC Rascal*

        You can probably pull the hair clog out with a wire coat hanger. Use needle nose pliers to unwind a wire hanger and form a small eye loop in one end of the loose wire. Unscrew the circle piece at the top of the drain and pull out the plastic piece if you can. Fish the loop down the pipe and pull out the hair.

        Speaking as someone with a lot of hair who spent many years living in rentals with landlords who would not unclog the drains.

  12. Paralegal Part Deux*

    So, a little under a month ago, I had to send my sweet, 16 year old cat Sassy over the rainbow bridge. I have not been coping well at all – to the point my doctor put me on Xanax to calm my butt down. It’s like I feel like I’m overreacting with so much else going on, but I don’t know how else to handle it. I mean, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since she died, because she slept on me every night which was comforting to me. I can’t get used to her not being around and underfoot.

    Any suggestions on how to cope? I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. I’ve tried posting about it on FB, tried just letting myself feel her loss, but I feel stuck and not moving forward.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Maybe you did lose your best friend. Please be gentle with yourself. A month is not a pathologically long amount of time to mourn an important loss. And it’s a testament to Sassy and how important she was to you, that you can’t just “move past it” quickly.

      Additionally, we are all under incredible stress, and any loss or change can feel really magnified under the circumstances.

      After a month, I don’t think you need to worry about being stuck and not moving forward. Give yourself some time. Also, this might sound very “woo” and disregard if it doesn’t help – but you might try asking Sassy what she thinks. If she could tell you how best to mourn her loss, and how to move forward, what would she say?

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        It doesn’t sound “woo” at all, but I think, if she could tell me, she would tell me she is with me always, even if I can’t see her and to quit crying myself to sleep since she’s still here. I know that sounds nuts. My mom always said the two of us had a strong bond, and I think Sassy would have agreed.
        She was never far from my side when I was at home. She was my constant companion from the minute I got up to the minute I fell asleep. She was part ragdoll and so was very soft to pet. She felt like cashmere. It was a comfort to be able to pet her and tell her about my troubles.

        I guess it feels like longer given what all is going on in the world. I know I want another ragdoll in the future but feel like I’m trying to replace a family member just thinking about it.

        1. Astor*

          I’m so sorry that Sassy is no longer with you. Have you done anything to specifically mark her life and loss? I wonder if having something physical to be able to hold on to might help you right now. Is there anything that comes to mind that might be a comfort, Wether it’s a stone that has a nice heft to hold onto, a stuffed animal that you could hug while you imagine yourself talking to her, or a picture of something she always loved for you to look at? I’m even imagining a pillow made out of Sassy’s favourite blanket? Something that’s new, that’s about Sassy, and also about the things you loved about her.

          Sassy’s been with you for 16 years. That’s a long time and in addition to all the love you shared you also had your routines together. She’ll be with you in spirit for the rest of your life, but loss is really hard and change is really hard, and you’re dealing with both of them in the middle of a pandemic. Please be gentle with yourself for mourning.

        2. Not A Manager*

          Well, I’ve suffered different losses. For me, talking to the person I loved was very helpful. And listening to them, too. If it were me, I would get a very squishy stuffed animal. I like Gund myself. Let yourself regress. Cuddle something. Talk to Sassy. She’ll retreat slowly over time.

          I’m sorry for your loss.

          1. Paralegal Part Deux*

            I’m sorry for your losses, no matter when they were. I’ve lost my dad when I was 10 (he was Type I diabetic and had a heart attack), my uncle committed suicide when I was 15, and my great-grandmother died when I was 18. They were each hard, especially my uncle, and took a long time to get over. I had to be put on Prozac for a while since it was so much loss in such a short period of time.

            I haven’t lost a pet in years, and it just seems amplified for some reason. I’ve never had to be put on meds for a loss of a pet.

            1. Sam I Am*

              I think that losing your cat may be the “last straw” and not the cause of needing medical intervention all by its self, you know?
              My most recent animal-friend loss was not my direct pet, but that of friends and neighbors. She and I went for hundreds of walks together (just the 2 of us, she was my walking companion like no person could be), we always greeted each other when we met. Sadly her time was 2 weeks ago. It’s been hard on the family, so I don’t want to dump my sorrow on them, but I have shared a couple of my favorite stories of our times together with other friends and family. I could laugh a little, and I’ve been focusing on those memories. While she wasn’t my pet she was certainly my friend, and I have no doubt that your bond amplifies your grief at losing one of your best friends. Figure out who the right people are to share your happy stories with and tell them all about her.
              I’m so sorry you lost her.

    2. Ann Onny Muss*

      A month is not a long time. Then put a pandemic on top of it? No wonder you’re struggling. I’m glad you saw your doctor. And FWIW, I’ve never seen getting another dog or cat after losing one as replacements. Our furry family members are irreplaceable, but you can still open your heart to another kitty. Doesn’t have to be right now, but consider it after you’ve had time to process your grief. And lots of e-hugs from some rando on the internet.

      1. tangerineRose*

        “Our furry family members are irreplaceable, but you can still open your heart to another kitty. Doesn’t have to be right now” So much this!

        I’m sorry for your loss.

      2. NotAnotherManager!*

        We got a pair of cats when we lost our first old-timer about five years ago – they weren’t a replacement for him (impossible), but our remaining cat sucked at being alone but wasn’t interested in making new friends. The newbies are best buddies and were a presence to keep Grandpa from being lonely without having to interact much with the young whippersnappers (or be pounced on by unruly teenagers). Then, we lost Grandpa this year, and now we have two skittish, bonded, weird cats that no one but my Cat Whisperer of a spouse would have wanted.

        My spouse said, and I think it’s right, that they’re not a replacement for the special ones we lost, but they’re a bit of a distraction from the loss. And they’re the right cats for where we are in our life right now (less needy and attention-seeking than the other two).

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It could be that what you are actually grieving is bigger than your little friend. Grief has a way of snowballing. The mind can roll past griefs, current griefs and even worry about future griefs all up into one tight wad and it seems like we are grieving one particular loss. But we are actually grieving more losses.

      Do you cry? IF no, please start letting some tears seep out. If yes, be sure to continue, this is actually an investment in a better tomorrow/next week/next month. Crying causes a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep the brain healthy. A healthy brain is more apt to find coping tools. Punchline: It helps us to think.

      I do want to pick up on the bit about overreacting. Now, if *I* said that to you, you’d come through my computer monitor and pop me one in the nose. Why? Because it’s harsh. Please go easy on yourself. Instead of telling yourself you are overreacting (or you feel like you are overreacting), tell yourself that you respect your emotions and tell yourself to feel the feeling. Emotions are not like actions. Emotions don’t hurt anyone except for the person experiencing the emotion. You are entitled to feel whatever it is you feel.

      Also understand that the times we have here, exasperate our sense of pain and our sense of loss. So this can work into, “Gosh, I miss my little buddy and what a rotten time to have a loss like this one!” Acknowledge the feeling. The more we push feelings under the carpet the bigger the feelings get. Look the feeling in the eye and say, “Yeah, this so very sucks.” Acknowledgement is a powerful tool, and we don’t even realize how important it is to acknowledge our own emotions.

      I have a suggestion. It’s a difficult suggestion but I had success with it. When my husband passed, I could not shake off the feeling that he was in the next room and I should go check on him. So I got my courage up, and I walked from room to room. In each room I said out loud to myself, “nope, he’s not in this room”. Once I finished all the rooms, I sat down and cried.
      It worked. I stopped thinking, “Oh I have to run and check on him!”. I felt like I had reclaimed space in my brain so I could function better. It also helped with some jumpy-ness I was having. Like I said, this exercise is not for everyone, but for some people it might be a supportive investment.

      1. BeadsNotBees*

        I have nothing much to add, I just wanted to say this is a very thoughtful, helpful comment for dealing with loss.

        And I agree, let yourself cry. Sometimes when I know I have some emotions bottled up, I’ll listen to a poignant song or watch one of my favorite sad movies to give me a catalyst for a sob session.

      2. Sam I Am*

        It’s generous to share this technique for grieving, it’s quite personal.
        I bet it’s quite useful, too, which is why I want to express my gratitude.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I find it odd that we can talk about sex, childbirth and a whole slew of subjects that were no-no’s when I was growing up, but we STILL don’t do that great a job talking about grief and loss. Part of the problem I think is not being able to find the words for what is inside our heads. Another problem is fear. But there are other things that make this complicated, too.
          I am proud of how far we have come as a society, we can talk about DV, abuse, and many other topics. This tells me that we can learn to talk about grief, also.
          Things can be personal in terms that pain can run deep and each person can have their own experiences. But personal is not the same as private. I don’t think many people get through life without experiencing some deep pain along the way. I think that we (society) need to stop pretending that life is peaches and cream for everyone, because that’s not true and crying is not abnormal.
          I love the expression “be a soft place to land” because this is what we CAN do, especially now.

    4. Julia*

      My childhood cat who I also had for around 16 years passed in 2012, around this time of the year. I still got misty-eyed remembering her, and I got misty-eyed reading your post. Losing her was awful, and I still can’t look at photos of her without crying because I loved her so much.
      Sassy was not just a cat, she was your family. Would you feel like you were overreacting over the death of a human family member? Would you tell a friend to get over it sooner? I bet you wouldn’t. If you live alone, Sassy was probably the companion you needed during lockdown, and now you don’t have that anymore.
      I agree with the other posters that holding something and crying it out might be a good idea. Can you talk to a friend on the phone? Please be kind to yourself.

    5. Copenhagen*

      I had to say goodbye to my furry friend of eight years in early february. It sucked (it still does!) and I’m still missing her like crazy. Losing a pet is so incredibly tough.

      What helped me was to get a new cat. I know that’s not for everyone, but it really helped me. I didn’t grieve less over the loss of my first cat or miss her less, but slowly bonding with the new cat and having him around gave me a lot of comfort and joy to help balance out the grief. It added good to my life in a time where there was a lot of bad.

      I thought a lot about how to go about it when the first cat got sick so I didn’t impulse-adopt a new cat. It was a very thought through decision. So I’m on no way advocating for impulse-shopping for pets! But it might be worth considering.

      1. schnauzerfan*

        I also lost Trooper my animal friend last week. He was a 16 year old standard schnauzer who had been my hearing dog. We were incredibly bonded and I will always miss him. My impulse is to get a new friend. One doesn’t replace the other, but they can sure distract you. Puppy, kitten or… If your not up for a commitment maybe a foster, or maybe there’s a dog nearby who needs walked or a cat who needs cuddled and or brushed. We still have several dogs in the house (Mom’s and Roomies’ as well as one who claims me) but the Trooper shaped hole is huge.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Right. One doesn’t replace another, but it’s a distraction, and you have a new friend to love.

        2. A New Normal*

          Fostering’s a great idea right now, if you (general you) are up for it. It’s kitten season, TNR’s been put on hold in many areas so it’s likely to be an extra-large season, and with a lot of shelters and rescues partially closed the need’s never been greater. Fostering’s a great way to channel some of the aimless energy grief can bring and love on some animals that dearly need it without feeling like you’re replacing your companion. If you can take a mama cat and kittens (or are up for bottle feeding orphan kittens!) you can literally save lives and enjoy the cuteness of kittens without the 15+ year commitment.

      2. Windchime*

        When I lost my cat of 19 years, I was so sad and bereft without him. I keep thinking I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was so smart and curious and loving and I just missed him so bad. I was determined not to get another cat. But after 4 months, a little kitten made his way into my arms. He didn’t replace Patches, because nobody could. But I grew to love him for the creature that he is and it did help me to heal from losing my old friend.

      3. Relly*

        A month after we lost Bella, I realized I needed another cat. I hated myself when I realized it. I already had two other cats, and the thought of “replacing” Bella made me want to vomit. But I also felt like there was this hole I just couldn’t fill.

        And then I went to a shelter and stumbled upon this beautiful special needs cat, one that had been neglected and abused, one that wanted desperately to be a snuggly lapcat but was terrified. I knew she was going to be a project, that she was going to require a lot of patience and a lot of love and might take months or even years to come around, that I would have to earn every drop of her love and trust. And suddenly I realized that that was exactly what I needed — a place to put my energy, someone who needed to heal as badly as I did, someone who needed everything I had to give.

        We took her home that day, and watching her blossom has been magical.

        If and when you think you are ready for another cat, don’t worry about too soon, don’t worry about what other people will think. You’ll know when it’s time.

    6. A Tired Queer*

      Oh my friend, I’m so sorry for your loss. Like others have said: a month is not long at all to mourn a friend of 16 years. It feels longer than that because the month of March took about 3 months to get through, with all the stress and exacerbating factors. What a terrible time to have to say goodbye! Be sad and remember fondly, tell stories and accept comfort. Grieve at your own pace, and eventually the pain will ease. Don’t rush it. Just allow it. We all love you and wish you the best.

    7. pancakes*

      Writing an obituary for her could be helpful. It was helpful for me when I was going through that with my dog because it shifted my focus to my happiest memories of him. I didn’t do it right away, I think I waited a month or so, but it did help somehow.

    8. Josie*

      I’m so sorry. Losing a pet is so difficult in the best of times. Grief lasts longer than we want. It took me months to sleep well after I lost my kitty who slept with me. Give yourself a break, take one breath at a time, it’s so hard to lose someone you love.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      First of all, don’t feel bad about grieving for your pet. Because they are family members to many of us. Also, these are strange times, and it’s not unusual to transfer and feel all that anxiety and stress mixed with the grief. Hugs.
      When you’re ready, I hope you’ll consider adopting another furry who needs all the love you gave Sassy and give them an obviously kind pet parent.

    10. RC Rascal*

      I had to put my 19 year old cat down in November. He was the love of my life. I adopted him after college as a kitten and we were very strongly bonded. I cried every day for the first three months. Now I probably cry 1-2 times a week. I completely know how your feel.

      About a month ago I adopted a new cat from the local shelter. She is an adult. I got her right before our stay at home order went into effect. (Neighboring state had one in and we have been following them so I knew it was coming). Shelter discounted her greatly; they were having a hard time getting adopters. I figured if I was going to be stuck at home it was a good opportunity to settle in a new cat. Sometimes you have to look on the sunny side.

      She doesn’t replace him but she is helping me cope better with the quarantine.

    11. Alice*

      Sassy and Trouper both sound like wonderful creatures who are much missed.
      The comments and suggestions are also wonderful. What a great commenter community this is.

    12. Maisel*

      How would you feel about getting a very soft blanket or pillow with her photo on it? Very sorry for your loss.

    13. NoLongerYoung*

      I’m sending a hug. Others have given you great advice. Do cry, and do NOT expect that you “should” be at any specific mental/ emotional milestone in your grief. My experience is that there is no “normal” and frankly, the harder I loved the more tears (rivers of memories), AND the longer it took. You had that beloved companion far longer than many marriages last. Be gentle. My first cat was so beloved, in such a lonely time of my life, that I mourned for four months. And this is a difficult time in general (understatement). Sending you the warmest thoughts.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        … longer than many marriages last.
        Oh boy, you nailed that one.
        I had not thought of this but now that I see it, it really helps to describe just how hard it can be to lose a pet.

    14. Not the same*

      Removed. I’m very sorry for your loss, but I can’t let you post minimizing others’ suffering like this. – Alison

    15. Relly*

      You aren’t overreacting. You’re grieving. You are in pain. I’m so sorry for your loss.

      Please don’t minimize it by comparing it to what else is going on in the world. Yes, the world is in a horrible place — something that affects you as much as everyone else. You’re dealing with a global pandemic [I]and[/I] you just lost a beloved family member; no wonder you’re struggling!

      I don’t know what you believe per se but when I lost Bella I decided that she was currently charming the socks off various angels and getting her cuddle quotient from them.

    17. NotAnotherManager!*

      I’m so sorry for your loss, and it hits really close to home. We lost our 16-year-old cat in January, and are suffering similar issues. He was just flat-out special – people who hated cats liked him, and he was friendly, and always in someone’s lap, and had more personality than the two we still have combined. It’s also been tough because our kids (younger than the cat) are devastated, and we’ve had a hard time managing our own grief and helping them process theirs. He also slept on me at night, and I have trouble sleeping now without him. He also would have loved this whole everyone’s-at-home thing and totally would have assumed it was to provide him with better pampering and service.

      And this grief does bleed into everything else and amplify things that would not normally have been a big deal. I can’t leave for hours a day and instead am staring at his bed and toys, etc., which my spouse is not ready to get rid of yet (plus, we have two other cats who shared some of the items).

      We talk about him a lot. The kids like to hear and share stories about him over and over. We’ve made it okay for anyone to burst into tears if they need to, and it’s not unusually to have someone randomly announce, “I miss Cat.” or “It sure would be nice to have a purr-ball in my lap right now.” We have his ashes (along with those of his companion, who we lost about five years ago), and one of the kids talks to them sometimes.

  13. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Anything to help with back pain? It’s usually around the mid back so I’m not sure if it’s pregnancy related or not. I’ve msgd my pcp as well, waiting to hear back from her. It’s usually not an issue when I’m lying in bed or walking (what little I do), just when I sit at my desk. I have an office chair – i figure before buying a back cushion or back brace or something, if there’s anything safe I can do that doesn’t cost $ just yet. When I’m sitting, my instinct is to lie down but I don’t like to do that.

    On another note, I am so desperate for a massage, I got table/chair massages regularly before pregnancy and was so excited to get prenatal massages but alas.

    1. It’s All Good*

      KT tape made a world of difference with my back pain during pregnancy. I hope you find something that works for you.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Walking more might actually be helpful to you. Give it a try for a few days if you can, and if your doc says it’s okay. I get a lot of back pain, and I find that walking and stretching are really the best preventatives.

    3. Astor*

      Back pain is hard, boo. I do want to suggest making your own lumbar support with materials you have at home. My usual method is to take a towel and roll it into what seems like the right shape, wrap it in a scarf/wrap to keep it from unraveling, and then use the ends of the scarf to secure it to my chair. It took me a few days of adjustment to figure out how it’s most comfortable, and then needs to be adjusted every week or so.

      I have chronic back issues but mine aren’t pregnancy related so I worry I’ll give terrible advice. But the diy lumber support is definitely worth doing. Especially because you want to lean *backwards* at your desk instead of leaning forward, and the back support will help you do that.

      Good luck!

      1. Caterpie*

        ^ this. I’m not pregnant either but lower back support in my desk chair was a game changer for me. I kind of plump and squish a small decorative pillow between the chair and my lower back and try to sit up straight with my back against the pillow.

    5. misspiggy*

      I’m guessing the Relaxin is kicking in, making your ligaments looser and your joints less able to cope with strain. This makes you hypermobile, which is how I am. I’d say lie down if you feel the urge, or sit propped in bed with your laptop, rather than sitting in a chair. Sitting isn’t good when your back is under pressure.

      Your doctor might be able to advise on lumbar support wedges that you can buy to make sitting easier, or refer you to physio for exercises to strengthen the muscles that are having to do more work because the joints aren’t providing as much support. I second the advice to walk around as much as possible.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Don’t answer here, but do check to make sure the bowels are working consistently. Two or three bowels movements a day is good. If you suspect this may be a problem, you can increase your water intake. If that doesn’t help you can try a little organic apple juice not from concentrate.

      I know if I don’t drink enough or if the bowels are sluggish my back will tell me all about it until I do something.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Oh didn’t even think of that. Lack of bm is a common issue in pregnancy from what I’ve read and my Dr has told me.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Two or 3 is a lot. That can be normal for some folks, but it would be abnormally fast motility for others. Its not a goal.

        One a day, even one every other day is perfectly fine as long as you’re not uncomfortable or straining. There’s a really wide range of normal.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Right, I’ve always read 3x a day to 3x a week is normal, what makes it concerning is the amount of comfort and consistency.

    8. FormerTheatreArtist*

      Also pregnant right now and a maternity support belt has been very helpful for me, both with back pain and a pain from my muscles stretching neat my ribs in the front. I ordered one off the internet right before the shutdowns started, and it is covered by my FSA.

    9. rkz*

      Also pregnant, but my back pain is in my lower back so not sure if I have helpful advice, just commiseration. I am 30 weeks and recently switched to sitting on an exercise ball…its the only way I can confortably sit at my desk to work for any length of time.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      Warm up a towel – straight out of the clothes dryer is ideal, but oven/microwave is good, too, as long as you’re careful – and put it where your back hurts. Gentler than a heating pad, and easier to shape than a hot water bottle.
      Or you might find that cold helps more. My doctor recommended putting a damp towel (hand towel or kitchen, not a bath sheet) in a big freezer bag, and freezing it. No dripping from melting ice!
      Hot or cold, don’t leave it on TOO long, but unlike heating pads or ice packs, you can’t really burn yourself or get frostbite before the towel reverts to room temperature.

    11. Old Biddy*

      Kaiser used to send people to a group physical therapy session/class if they came in with mild back pain. they recommended several types of simple stretches which have been helpful for me.

      cat cow pose
      hamstring stretches
      front of thigh stretches (grab foot behind you and extend, or face away from a bed and place one foot on bed, then bend the other leg so you feel a stretch)
      lying down and pressing your spine into the floor or mattresss

    13. RagingADHD*

      Hamstring stretch! Even if it’s just standing with your heel on the floor in front. Do those multiple times a day.

      Also, if you’re sitting a lot, stretch your arms/shoulders forward and then open out to stretch your chest, clasp your hands behind your back. You could be slouching in your chair and overworking the mid-back that way.

      Check your sleeping position, too. I kept my head elevated a lot when I was pg, and whenever I do that too much I get backaches.

      Sitting is forward flexion with bent knees, so basically you want to do the opposite as much as you can – open up & stretch in the opposite direction multiple times during the day.

    14. Penny Parker*

      Purchase a thera cane and this book and it will help you a lot:
      The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook: Your Self-Treatment Guide for Pain Relief, 2nd Edition Paperback – August 1, 2004
      by Clair Davies

  14. Anonymouse*

    Book thread: What is everybody reading?

    I’m just about to finish reading “À rebours” (“Against the Grain”) by Joris-Karl Huysmans. It’s a 1884 French novel about a bored, neurotic Parisian aesthete who tires of society and Paris, and decides to decamp to an isolated villa with only books and his hobbies to entertain him. He has almost no human interactions, and — as the kids say — shit gets weird. It would be almost the perfect book to read in lockdown except there are a million and a half references to obscure French writers and Christian theologians that I’m having to constantly google.

    1. Scarlet Magnolias*

      This is the book that helped (not that he needed much help falling off the path) corrupt Dorian Gray!

    2. NeverNicky*

      I’ve just finished Rules for Perfect Murders by Peter Swanson (I think it might be called Eight Perfect Murders in the US).

      Bookseller Malcolm Kershaw wrote a blog listing the books he felt had eight perfect murder plots … and now somebody appears to be using that list to commit their own murders.

      Part a celebration of the crime genre, part mystery, part rumination on loss, identity and truth, it is clever without being show-offy and – like the best mysteries – plays by the rules.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        There must be a lot of AAM readers in my library district. I put that on my hold list this morning, and there was already a 4 month wait. I hope everybody reads fast and returns it early.

    3. Retail not Retail*

      I read two books about work – one fiction and one non-. The non-fiction one was engaging but calling the political analysis half-baked would be too generous. So I won’t name it.

      But! The fiction! The protagonist reminded me of some of the bizarre and in the wrong advice seekers. It’s called The Room and it’s by Jonas Karlsson. It’s pretty short and a little surreal. Our protag is convinced he is the best worker there and lays our his work schedule in excruciating detail and compares himself to his coworkers who do wasteful things like talk to each other and distasteful things like wear blue jackets. Some people say it has something to say about conformity but our protag is clearly the one desiring it, not rebelling against it.

      In other book news, if things start opening I’ve got some book hauling to do. I have 24 city library books (not the max by one), 10 university books, and 10 town books which will all be due. There are quite a few unread for the crime of being boring or not right but I’ve got 3 left that look good.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Tor gave away the Murderbot novellas for free this week (new novel coming out in a couple weeks), so I finally read those. I also read the second of John Scalzi’s Lock In series and really enjoyed that. I just started The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates last night and I’m not sure I’m liking the writing style, but I’m not giving up on it yet, and I’m waiting for a couple books by Siddhartha Mukherjee to come to the top of my library list. :)

      1. TimeCat*

        I struggled with The Water Dancer, though I did finish it. It’s an oddly detached novel.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I gave up on it, the writing style just grated on me too much. I read “Docile” last night instead, which was interesting in several ways, though I don’t remember wherever I got the recommendation from disclosing that it involved a lot of really graphic (REALLY GRAPHIC) sex scenes that almost all had force, coercion, and other consent issues, and I don’t know that I would have gotten it from the library if I had known that up front.

      2. schnauzerfan*

        Have you read Unlocked: An Oral History of Haden’s Syndrome? It’s a short (144 page) prequel to Locked In. I have the Audible version and loved it… The Locked In series is one of my favorite Scalzi works.

    5. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      Mieville’s October, about the Russian Revolution, which I know little about, so I’m very much enjoying.
      The Best American Essays, edited by Rebecca Solnit, which has a few absolute gems but in general is not what it says on the tin.
      Amatka, by Karen Tidbek, for a virtual book club, which is so new that I can only say that the early weirdness has me very intrigued.

      1. Just a Guy in A Cube*

        Also I am looking to support my local bookstore soon, and I definitely want some Ross Gay poems, but I’m trying to find a few other books to get excited about. I adored Confessions of the Fox recently, will probably include Jemisin’s new novel, and don’t want to get bogged down in something huge. Suggestions?

    6. Liane*

      After the Dinosaurs: The Age of Mammals by Donald R. Prothero. Author says it is aimed at laypeople and non-paleontologist scientists; I think it’s giving my Zoology BS a workout, so this might not be a good choice for readers without a strong science background. Don’t get me wrong–it is very interesting & I like it, just not light reading. It was about $3 for Kindle.

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        I really have enjoyed it, but yes, you do want to have a good strong science background.

    7. Stinson*

      I just read Dear Mr. M, a Dutch book by Herman Koch, translated into English. Really enjoyed it. I read his book The Dinner last year and that was good too.

    8. Jonah*

      I’m reading Evvie Drake Starts Over by Linda Holmes. It’s for a new book club I just joined for fans of a podcast. I wasn’t super excited about it because I don’t generally enjoy books about a straight romance unfolding. They’re often too rife with gender stereotypes and flat female characters. However I’ve really enjoyed it. It feels cozy and sweet, and the characters are realistic. There’s consent! And male-female platonic friendships! And NPR! And it’s set in Maine which is my favorite place in the world. It’s been an excellent distraction, and I highly recommend it.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        I loved that book! I think it was also one of Alison’s book recs of the week a few months ago.

    9. GoryDetails*

      Several in progress, as usual – I like to switch up moods and genres.

      The Wildest Place on Earth by John Hanson Mitchell is a mix of garden history, labyrinths, and the author’s own patch of wilderness in which he’s been attempting to construct a garden – with many nods to Pan along the way. [Much of the book’s setting is relatively local to me, with references to delightful spots such as the Fruitlands Museum in Harvard, MA – it has its own walking labyrinth *and* a statue of Pan, along with historical and literary interest. It’s… not open just at present, but I plan to visit it again when it’s possible.] It’s making me want to include a walking labyrinth – perhaps just a bark-mulch path, perhaps flagstones with herbs between them – in my long-neglected side yard.

      We Are the Ants by Shaun David Hutchinson is a YA novel about an unhappy gay teen who’s been abducted by aliens, who apparently want him to decide whether to allow the Earth to be destroyed or to take one simple act that will save it. He’s so miserable that he’s pretty much decided to let it burn, but that may change… [I’m enjoying the story though the bullying sections are pretty rough to read. I’m not quite sure whether the aliens are real or some kind of psychotic reaction on our hero’s part, though I rather hope it’s the former.]

      The Summer We All Ran Away by Cassandra Parkin also features a tormented teen, but the tone’s quite different: a young runaway who’s clearly fleeing some kind of abusive background stumbles upon an isolated mansion that’s inhabited by a trio of squatters, a middle-aged man and woman and a feisty young Goth-style girl. The story unfolds in multiple viewpoints and alternating timestreams, as we find out who owned the house, why it’s been abandoned for so long, and how the different characters wound up there. Charming and haunting.

      1. Anonymouse*

        Apparently based on a real jeweled tortoise!

        From the notes: “This episode is based on Montesquiou’s gold-plated and jewel-encrusted tortoise. Edmond de Goncourt in a diary entry for 14 June 1882 calls it a ‘walking bibelot’, and one of the poems in Montesquiou’s collection ‘Les Hortensias bleus’ (‘Blue Hydrangeas’) mentions the unhappy creature.”

    11. Teacher Lady*

      I just got Alisha Rai’s new book (Girl Gone Viral), and I dig it so far. Also reading The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai.

    12. Tomacco*

      I’m re-reading the Aubrey-Maturin series by Patrick O’Brian and have just started #4 ‘Mauritius Command’. I love these books so much.

    13. PhyllisB*

      Just finished Viola Shipman’s book The Recipe Box. Loved it!! Can’t wait to try some of the recipes!! Right before that, I read Alison’s book Ask a Manager. I’ve had it for over a year. I won it on Goodreads, and put it in a safe place to read later. Well, got caught up in library books and…found it last week, and was thrilled!! Now I wish I could share it with one of y’all.

    14. dinoweeds*

      I’m a huge fantasy reader so I’ve been trying to branch out. My favorite recent read is The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton – I loved the humanity of all of the characters and the plot was amazing. My least favorite read was The Supper Club by Lara Williams, which Alison actually recommended on here at some point. The protagonist is this extremely depressed woman with a very traumatic history that was detailed in the book – to the point that I think there should have been trigger warnings somewhere in the description. After I finished that I said screw it and went back to fantasy books since that’s my happy place. I am now reading through all of Brian Sanderson’s novels and am currently reading Warbreaker. I’m not very far in to it yet but I absolutely LOVE the world he built and the characters.

    15. Koala dreams*

      I’m reading The Western Wind by Samantha Harvey. I thought it was going to be a thriller, but it’s not. It’s a tale of four days in the life of a priest in a small village in late 15th century England, after a man drowned in the river next to the village. A lot of thoughts about religion, which I thought I wouldn’t be interested in, but somehow I am, and even though not much is happening the book is still a page turner.

    16. Belgian*

      I finished up Circe by Madeline Miller, which I ended up enjoying but took a couple of chapters to get going for me. The only reason I picked it up again after the first 2 chapters was all the recommendations I saw.

      Now I’m reading Among Others by Jo Walton (which I think was recommended here?) which I think is really good!

    18. PhyllisB*

      Has anyone read Inventing The Abbots by Sue Miller? I’m kind of mehh usually on short stories and when I got this book at a library sale (for 25 cents!!) I didn’t realize it was short stories. I liked the title story, the second one started off okay, then just…ended. Not sure if I want to read more. Any thoughts?

    19. Overeducated*

      I’m reading “The Game” by Neil Strauss. It’s about pick up artists and it’s totally ridiculous – i figure it will be too embarrassing to read on public transit so may as well do it now.

    20. Sam I Am*

      The BFG by Roald Dahl!

      It slipped past my reading in my youth somehow, there was a copy lying around the house and I realized I needed to switch it up to something light for a few days.

      I love it.

    21. Elizabeth West*

      Hiding in Plain Sight: The Invention of [You-Know-Who] and the Erosion of America by Sarah Kendzior. I’m only at the beginning, but it goes into how Missouri (Sarah lives here) is a bellwether for the country, and how both the state and the country’s deep corruption got started and continues. She’s an authoritarian scholar who, with screenwriter Andrea Chalupa, does the podcast Gaslit Nation. They’ve been called alarmist, but they’ve been spot on most of the time about what’s been happening, mostly because authoritarian regimes are very predictable.

    22. Bluebell*

      Yesterday I sped through The Other Woman by Sandie Jones. Decent thriller with a twist I saw coming, but a fun read. In a completely different direction, I’ve just started Spying on the South- a journalist follows Frederick Law Olmsteads travels through the South. Lots of nuance, and it’s fairly depressing about the US economic system. If I need to take a break, Searching for Sylvie Lee is next.

    23. CelestialEngine*

      Just finished rereading an old favourite series, Sabriel by Garth Nix. It’s YA fantasy. I find rereading books so comforting in times of stress!

  15. Cute Li'l UFO*

    I was very concerned this morning that I broke my wrist on Easter. I’ve learned in recent years to not face health problems with denial but while washing my hair the pain was undeniable. I did some heavy lifting in the week before I started wrapping it

    A quick trip to urgent care, and a few x-rays later a fracture has been ruled out. Hooray! I have a better splint and one that is much easier to put on vs. an ace bandage. It’s likely that it’s a bone bruise and I’m glad I was validated in my decision to go in. I’ve only ever broken my tailbone and since I’m a graphic designer (and still working) the last thing I want to do is lasting damage to my hands.

    Wow, bone bruises hurt and I’ve been in a couple ugly fights that didn’t hurt half as bad.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      Bodies are dumb, this is a known fact.

      My sister breaks bones, i strain tendons/muscles. Both are terrible, but I’m dealing with a 4 and a half year old hip injury.

      To which I say yay take care of your wrist and oh man I’ve never bruised a bone. Again. Bodies are dumb.

    3. Bookslinger in My Free Time*

      Smashed my hand with my older-than-me sewing machine a few weeks ago- it’s a flip-top, and the catch didn’t hold. I was in tears, and I went through labor without crying- twice. Could have sworn I had broken my (main) hand at the base of my thumb right above the wrist. Had my mom drive me to the ER- nope, just a bone bruise. It is still kind of tingly if I hit it just right, but it finally doesn’t hurt. Bone bruises are the WORST.

    4. Eponin*

      Bone bruises are the worst. And they take longer to heal than an actual break, which sucks. Glad you got it checked out!

    5. RagingADHD*

      Ooof. I had a bone bruise on top of my foot about 5 years ago. Took a good 6 months or more to stop hurting, and the mark appears to be permanent.

      Best wishes that yours heals better & faster.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Oh my gaw, they so do. I had a bone bruise in my foot once and walking was torture for a while. I hope your wrist heals quickly!

  16. Paperdill*

    Part of my husband’s work involves guest-speaking at a lot of industry gatherings. He is almost always presented with a bottle of red wine as thanks, which is a very lovely gesture. Unfortunately, neither he or I like red wine, so it usually gets passed on to our friends or family.
    Why do you think people give him red wine?
    IME, people tend to prefer white, if they have a preference. Why would red be the go-to as a thank you gift?

    1. Claritza*

      I don’t know but I read a book in the sixties written by a nonsmoker public speaker who said he was nearly always given fancy ashtrays.

      1. TechWorker*

        +1 – I’m not 100% sure it’s true that ‘if people have a preference it tends to be white’ – in my friendship group it’s definitely the opposite. I didn’t ‘like’ red wine until I was 22ish (drinking age is 18 here) but now I definitely prefer it. And agree cheap white wine is awful.

        (I’ve always described my taste in wine as ‘anything but Chardonnay’)

        1. Lady Jay*

          Oh, see I disagree. For the cheapest wines, a sweet white is the best bet (dry white, not so much, but the sugars cover a multitude of sins). With red, I need to get at minimum a 5-7 dollar bottle at Trader Joe’s for it to be worth drinking.

          I’m poor, so right now, I’m drinking a lot of sweet whites.

          1. Lady Jay*

            Also, though, I mostly eat vegetarian, and I haven’t yet found a red that goes well with fresh salads or egg dishes. :shrug emoji:

          2. TechWorker*

            Maybe it’s just that I dislike sweet wine in general? :) I’ve never had a red that was undrinkable but definitely had to give up on corner shop bottle of white once cos it was so bad (I think I forgot that £6 at the corner shop == about £3/4 equivalent at the supermarket :p)

            1. Lady Jay*

              That’s legit. I’d agree with you that even whites can be too sweet, and that sweet doesn’t cover *all* sins (miss me on those pink zins, for instance). Right now, I’m having luck with the $3/bottle moscato at Aldi’s, which is medium sweet but still tastes like wine, not like soda.

              (Also, reds need to be dryer than whites to be good. Nothing sweeter than a merlot is worth it, and very dry reds are better, IMO, than very dry whites.)

        2. Jules the 3rd*

          My friend group leans heavily red as well. Of 20ish people I can think of (30s – 50, middle class):
          4 like white. All female if that makes any difference
          2 admit to liking sweet wines – one just because that’s what he likes (blackberry, etc), and one almost apologetically. The rest… are pretty vocal about not drinking sweet wines.
          This has been fairly consistent since we hit our mid-20s and started to be able to afford better wines; before then, sweet was common, but people weren’t drinking it for the *taste*.

      3. Not A Girl Boss*

        Oh man, I completely disagree. I need $20 red wine but adore that terrible boxed white they serve at nail places, hah. I like my white to taste like apple juice, and my red to taste like earth.
        To be fair, a big part of the expensive taste in reds is tannins contributing to migraines, so cheap red is a no go.

        I always default to red when gifting as well. I guess I always thought of it as more “formal” but I don’t know where that belief came from.

        1. Ted Mosby*

          Where on earth do you live that they give you wine in your nails saloon?? Packing my boxes now…

          1. Not A Girl Boss*

            Haha, New England, but also when I lived in Florida they served it as well. I mean honestly whats the point of a nail appointment without wine?? HHA

    3. misspiggy*

      I guess because white wine is assumed to be a women’s drink, red wine is what men get.

      1. WS*

        This is what I was going to say. Neither of my parents like red wine, yet that’s what people give my dad. My mum gets white wine and/or something bubbly.

      2. Dan*

        Is that true? I’ve never heard that before (and I live in Virginia wine country…) I’m super picky about my reds. That is, I find a lot of them to not be very good, although that’s not a hard and fast rule. If one wants to get me a bottle of wine without asking my preference first, one a random bottle of white is far more likely to be preferable to me.

    7. matcha123*

      First time hearing that people prefer white, I’ve always preferred red. If if were going to give the gift of alcohol, I would give red…as it is way superior to white.

      1. curly sue*

        I used to quite like red wine, but then I started getting migraines from the tannins. Now I can only drink white.

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          I get migraines from tannins but have good luck with AoC French wines (with a particular preference from Cote du Rhone) because they have standards for what can be added to the wine and seem to be much lower tannin.

    8. Alex*

      That’s funny–almost everyone I know prefers red (including myself).

      But generally agree that some people view white wine as “girly” and that may be part of it.

    9. Jonah*

      I agree with everyone who spoke to the gendered issues with wine. When I gift wine, I usually pick something unusual like a local muscadine or blackberry wine and include a recipe they can use it for. Blackberry wine cake is incredible, and it gives them something to try with it if they’re not a drinker.

      2. Jules the 3rd*

        My dad loves blackberry and muscadine and other fruity wines. I’ll have to hunt up a blackberry wine cake recipe for my mom, I bet they’d like it.

    10. The pest, Ramona*

      I always thought that people who don’t really like wine prefer white (as I once did), but those who are more experienced with wife prefer reds. I know the more wine tasting I did (California girl here, LOTS of wineries) the more I prefer reds. The only white wine I buy nowadays are dessert wines.

    11. lazy intellectual*

      For me it’s seasonal. I prefer full-bodied red wines during the fall/winter, and crisp white wines during the spring/summer.

      The only reason I can give behind the gifts is that red wine can be seen as fancier??? It’s traditionally paired with very decadent food, like steak, so maybe that’s where people are going with that?

      1. PhyllisB*

        I don’t drink anymore, but when I did, I preferred chardonnays. Would drink pino grios (I know that’s spelled wrong.) My husband preferred reds. I think a lot of people consider reds more high class than whites, but that’s definitely not true.There are good wines in both. OP, most liquor stores will allow swaps if it’s something they carry in stock. Just pay the difference if what you pick out is more expensive.

    12. filosofickle*

      I prefer white and am nearly always gifted red.

      I live an hour from Napa/Sonoma, and pseudo wine snobs have decided that white isn’t as sophisticated as red. Not true wine folks, mind you, they know that great wine comes from all grapes. But there’s been a massive movement towards “Oh I Only Drink Reds” (similar to “I never drink merlot / chardonnay / whatever we think is out of fashion currently.) If I polled people I know in the Bay Area who drink wine, I’d bet a solid 75% would say they prefer or only drink red. And, agreeing with other posters, there is more good inexpensive red in the world unless you like sweet wine.

      It is shifting, though. Among my friends (mostly women, 40s) many have developed allergies and headaches to reds and have had to lay off.

      1. Windchime*

        Yeah, as a migraine-prone person, I avoid red wines. I mostly drink chardonnay; I don’t give a rats-ass if other people see that as unsophisticated or out of style. I also drink Coors light when I have beer, and I get plenty of flak for that but again….don’t care.

    13. Scarlet Magnolias*

      I don’t know, I like white, so I either regift the red, make sangria with it or use it in cooking

    14. A bit of a saga*

      It’s true that if it’s for a professional occasion I always gift red (and also mostly receive it, I can only think of one time I got a white wine and that was from someone from a region where they are famous for their white wine). If I’m giving wine privately then it depends on the time of the year/the person I’m gifting. I never thought about the gender bias but it’s probably true now that I’m thinking about it.

    15. Fellow Traveler*

      I work in theatre and I don’t drink, but I’ve been the recipient of many a bottle of red wine for opening night. We have a whole shelf of “Opening Night Wine” in my basement.
      I did have a director once who, knowing I didn’t drink gave me a hunk of cheese for opening night. That was pretty awesome.

    16. Sip, Sip...*

      According to yougov, 69 percent of Americans prefer red wine, although most of those people also like white and rosė.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        I feel like rose is a safe one. No one doesn’t like rose, at least secretly lol. But I wonder if it’s seen as too “girly” for gifting to a man.

        1. allathian*

          If white’s girly, rose is even more so! Pink champagne/cava is very popular here for hen nights.

    17. allathian*

      I’ve never thought about it before, but from reading the comments above I think it’s a gendered thing. When I’m gifted wine it’s almost always white or bubbly. My husband almost always gets red wine.
      I like both, but I find that white wine can be drunk as it is, but for red, food is a must, and red meat at that. I’m a flexi-eater and can go for weeks without eating any meat, but red wine demands it. I haven’t found a vegetarian dish yet that would go well with red wine, especially as I prefer the kind of tannin-rich reds that tingle your tongue.
      I don’t like sweet white wines very much, the drier the better!

    18. Ted Mosby*

      At least in the US, red is more popular. But equally importantly, red wine can sit in shift bag all day and then be opened immediately. Handing someone room temp white wine always feels weird to me.

    19. Bluesboy*

      Everyone seems to be talking about which people prefer, but i think it’s much simpler.

      When you take a bottle to someone’s house, most of the time if it’s white, you can’t drink it because it needs to be chilled. Red you can open straight away! If it needs to breathe, still you can drink the bottle the host has already opened, and then yours is ready to drink!

      So people have the habit of bringing red, which then translates into red also in different contexts (for example in your case).

      1. PhyllisB*

        Actually, reds do need to be chilled just a bit to taste their best. I never knew that until I went to wine tastings and really learned a lot. I don’t really like reds (well, I don’t drink anymore, but in the past) but discovered that I could drink them if chilled briefly. The person who ran the wine tastings said 30 minutes before serving take the whites out of fridge and put the reds in. That is perfect for both.

  17. Aphrodite*

    Tonight (Friday) I spent watching Carol Burnett videos on YouTube, both bloopers and regular sketches. I feel 100 percent different. Laughter is truly the best medicine.

    And her show was so good! That dental skit, the Went with the Wind one, and many more. Genuinely funny.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      The Cinderella one is brilliant too.

      The other show I love watching clips for is Wayne and Shuster, and old Canadian sketch comedy show. Look for Shakespeare Baseball, Rinse the Blood of My Toga (Julius Caesar as as film noir), the Mark of Zero, Star Schtick (Star Trek Parody), and of course the Question Time sketch.

      The original Muppet show is excellent for mood elevation too.

      1. fposte*

        We used to perform Rinse the Blood Off My Toga at camp, and my Canadian father fondly remembered Shakespearian Baseball.

      2. tiasp*

        I didn’t know you could find wayne and shuster on youtube! Yay! I still sing their sign off song (as much of it as I remember … “I see by the clock on the wall, that it’s time to bid you one and all . . .”)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        That is one of my favorite things on earth. It never fails to make me fall over laughing.

    3. Retail not Retail*

      My favorite one is the one where her husband is cheating on her and she’s listening to a radio call-in show and realizes the person calling in is her husband’s girlfriend. It escalates and cracks me up.

    5. LNLN*

      My favorite skit was the one where Tim Conway is playing Carol’s husband and they have to give their dog a shot, but Conway accidentally gets the injection. Then another couple comes over for dinner and throughout the evening Conway starts acting more and more like a dog. So silly and so funny!

    7. Marcy*

      Please find the elephant story. It is a Tim Conway outtake. And make sure you watch all the way through to the end.

      1. Paradiddler*

        Omg, the elephant! This is the best, our favorite. I think I wet my pants the first time we saw it, years ago. I don’t want to give it away, but the sound he does is hilarious.

    8. Cat Furniture*

      Google “carol burnett cowboy dance” – John Byner was so good in this. Listen to the very last line. Those of us of a certain age will get it.

    10. SpellingBee*

      I can also highly recommend getting her memoirs as an audiobook – she reads it, and there are also portions read by others from the show. Wonderfully funny.

    11. Chaordic One*

      I love the “Mama’s Family” skits where Vickie Lawrence plays plays the part of Carol’s character’s (Eunice’s) mother. There’s a skit where Vickie started ad-libbing criticisms of Eunice. Carol was caught off guard and broke character and started laughing. She (Carol) had her head turned away from the audience so they wouldn’t see. Then Vickie cracks, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

      Last night (Friday) I watched an old movie on YouTube from 1972 called “Pete ‘n’ Tilley” that starred Carol Burnett and Walter Matthau as a star-crossed married couple and it was surprisingly good.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I used to watch the Mama’s Family sitcom because I loved Vicki Lawrence as Thelma on Carol’s show. Every once in a while, Carol would show up as Eunice for added hilarity.

  18. Not a pandemic novel*

    I have a dilemma.

    Like many of you, I’m out of work because of the virus.

    Unlike many of you, I’m not baking, working on a new skill or doing that great as a teacher/hairstylish/[insert occupation you temporarily took upon because of the pandemic].

    But I’m thinking of what I miss and like the most… and outside my current pretty okay life (love my job, family and all), my only regret is failing at looking for a publisher for a completed novel.

    I’ve tried querying and I don’t expect it to be easy but I give up way too fast. I believe in my work, I do think I have a cool novel and I’m a good writer. Yet, I get discouraged because I always think “why me?”.

    For someone who claims to be a good writer, I’m not being very clear here… I guess my question would be “how do you learn to believe in yourself when the odds are against you?”

    1. Hazy Days*

      I have a novel which never got picked up – the consensus from agents was along the lines of ‘well-written, not going to sell’ – so I do sympathise. I decided to self-publish it, at which point I could entirely see what they meant ;-)

      I think that keeping up your self-belief is one of the hardest parts of writing, one that remains a continual problem, and one that needs to be addressed like any other skill.

      I’m actively trying to seek out opportunities to get some small praise as I go along, and I’ve made that a writing goal / task in itself. Things I’ve done (I’m a poet) include
      – reading at local open-mics
      – sharing work with friends and family
      – forming a poet’s group which meets weekly
      – creating a chapbook of works by our group
      – sharing work on Instagram (not really my vibe I think)

      I also set myself a number of submissions to reach, and told myself I’d get no success before that.

      I still alternate between ‘this work is terrible’ and ‘this work is great’, but that’s fine.

      Does that help?

      1. Not a pandemic novel*

        It does help!

        And by the way, just getting feedback from a publisher/agent is huge, so kuddos to you. Plus, “well written” in the important part of the statement.

        Out of curiosity, how many queries did/do you send?

        And what’s your genre of choice?

    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      I have wondered too and I usually to try to keep to the stances below.
      “Why me?” – “Why not?”
      “how do you learn to believe in yourself when the odds are against you?” – “If you don’t believe in yourself, no one will do it for you”
      That’s how I look at it, no guarantee it works for you, it does for me, reasonably. I see lucky people, so I believe luck can happen to me.
      I think most of Alison’s advice on applications applies here*. Send it, then proceed as if you won’t be selected. Three possible outcomes : you don’t hear anything (which is the same outcome as if you don’t do anything), or you get an answer to “Why not” (which might sting, but honestly, just for some time, just like an application), or you get a positive answer.
      So… yeah, why not?

      Also. “Unlike many of you, I’m not baking, working on a new skill”… I don’t believe there are THAT many people who can do that in such times, honestly. Mostly a lucky minority you hear through an echo chamber. You write. That’s a lot already.

      (*Pun not intended, but I’ll leave it.)

      1. Not a pandemic novel*

        I think I’m doing the “proceed as if you won’t be selected” part okay. And it’s funny, because I don’t make such a big deal of the application process when I’m looking for new clients (freelancer here!). I’m not scared of bad feedback either. I mean, sure, it could sting but I’m realistic and I *know* feedback on art is always subjective so it’s not like it’s going to destroy my confidence.

        So what’s my problem? Huh. I’m wondering myself as I’m typing that. I think I just hate competition and I see getting published as a competitive because it’s a highly competitive field (sorry for all the “competition/competitive”, too late and too tired for synonyms). I’ve always carved myself a niche rather than competing with others.

        (Thank you for your input, you’re helping me reframe my problem!)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      “how do you learn to believe in yourself when the odds are against you?”

      If others don’t believe in me then that is one type of problem.
      But if I don’t believe in me, that is a whole new layer. You completed this book, because you believe in you. And that’s the facts on that one.

      I think self-doubt is useful, we can use it to sharpen what we are doing. We can question our methods and build stronger methods in some way. There’s a difference between momentary doubt and generally believing in one’s self.
      I think that any longer term project has moments or even weeks/months of near or total despair. It took me 20 years to get my bachelor’s degree. It took me a similar time frame to lose the excess weight I carried. If we stay on something long enough we can eventually make it a reality in some form. The trick is to keep trying.

      Sometimes I take a “rest” from chasing a particular goal. I get tired of all the defeat. It’s a normal human need to want to feel success. That’s healthy. As you go along working on getting your book published, you could decide to get your sense of success from somewhere else for the moment. This is a two part approach, rest plus working on a smaller thing to give you back your sense of having some accomplishment. Example, and it’s okay if you laugh out loud. I painted my utility cupboard. I have lived here 28 years, it needed painting when I moved in. I painted it last month. I am tickled pink about this. I go over and look at it every so often. It’s a sense of accomplishment, when there isn’t too much else going on to get that sense of accomplishment. Likewise for yourself, in order to ease yourself through this longer term project, you might need to do some smaller things to keep yourself buoyed up.

      Forgive yourself when you accuse yourself of “slacking” and circle back to your project and give it the best you got.

      1. Not a pandemic novel*

        Oh, thank you so much for your wise words!

        I can relate to this sense of accomplishment, this is exactly what I strive for when I write. I love it when a story or just a blog post expresses just what I wanted to convey.

        I’ve just copied your last sentence to my notebook because this is actually super motivational in an achievable kind of motivational.

        And congrats on painting your cupboard! Just curious… what prompted you to do it? Pandemic time or it just felt right?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Am laughing, yeah, it sat there for 28 years, why rush now, right? ha!
          It was a time filler due to fill voids from the pandemic. I really did not want to do this job. There was a hole in the sheet rock at the back of the cupboard that had to be patched. Everything had to be sorted and some of it was pretty dusty so I had to clean some of the contents. (Do you see this project getting bigger and bigger?)
          I had to wash/scrub the cupboard and let it air dry. Because the original paint was dark, it took an extra coat of paint. (Are we there yet? Heck NO!) I had bought special hooks and hangers to put stuff and I wanted to change the layout of how I stored things. My main complaint was if I took one thing out, then 5 other things fell out with the one thing I wanted. This meant standing there and figuring out how to make the cupboard work in a reasonable manner.
          There were other small tasks, one was I had bought a cordless screw driver. I decided to learn to use it for this project. So that was an additional chunk of time also.
          It took me just over a week to do this, with working on it daily.
          I do have some supplies here to do various small tasks. So I am targeting tasks that I have already purchased supplies for. I like to do tag sales (I miss tag sales!!) and that is how I got all the hangers/holders for the cupboard. This particular cupboard was the only cupboard/closet in the house that has not had work done on it.
          I have such a huge feeling of success that I am reluctant to say how huge. It’s ridiculously disproportionate to the size and meaningfulness of the project. LOL. I can only conclude that we can go into a state of feeling an emotional/psychological starvation from lack of success. We have to go create success to fill the hole.

    4. knead me seymour*

      As someone who works in the publishing industry, I would just say that trying to get a novel traditionally published is an extremely punishing and non-rewarding experience, so don’t beat yourself up too much for being discouraged by it. It is genuinely very discouraging. And as you probably know, there are tons of good novels, even great novels, that either can’t find a publisher or don’t sell well because it’s a very fickle and luck-based industry. Not being able to find a publisher doesn’t mean your novel isn’t good.

      I think it’s worth really examining what you’re hoping to get out of being published. If it’s having your work read and appreciated by others, you might find it more rewarding to submit short pieces to contests, magazines or websites, or join a writing group. If you feel particularly strongly about this particular novel, you could consider making it available online, or self-publishing (or perhaps leaning more heavily toward querying indie publishers). I’d only really dig into the traditional publishing route if you’re determined to have a career as a writer, and expect to write at least a handful of novels before you can get your first one picked up by an agent. And it doesn’t hurt to have some published stories and a solid social media following. It’s a numbers game, in the end, because having a good novel is just the starting point. To be published, you have to have a good novel on the right topic at the right place and right time.

      1. Not a pandemic novel*

        Thank you for the reality check.

        This is exactly what I suspected and it’s both encouraging and discouraging (in a good way, your input is valuable!)

        If the traditional route doesn’t work, I’ll probably make it available on my blog. I have a decent following… and it’s better in my mind to have even just a couple of readers enjoy it than leave it in a drawer.

        I would like to try for a career as a writer, hence why I’m stubbornly going the “traditional way”. I’m already making a living out of making sure sentences have verbs and proper punctuation and I love my job… dedicating more time to fiction is my dream.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This is basically what I did. My book got close but didn’t quite make the hurdle; although I was vehemently opposed to self-publishing for various reasons, I eventually did it, just to get it out there. And so I would stop messing with it, lol. I don’t make a hell of a lot from it (seriously, my March royalties were $11.18) but doing it has forced me to learn some new skills.

          I still want to publish traditionally. It took some time to accept this book was not going to be the one. That doesn’t mean it’s bad; it’s more like dating a good guy I get along well with but I’m probably not going to marry.

          It absolutely will not happen if you don’t try, but keep writing. Keep working and practicing and reading. If you don’t have a writer’s group, you might look for one; feedback is good.

        2. knead me seymour*

          Sorry if my message sounded a bit harsh! For me, it is helpful to know that it’s not you, it’s just the process, but unfortunately the process really sucks. I think persistence usually is rewarded, but it’s often a lot of toil for a relatively small return, so it’s easier if you set your expectations accordingly. Best of luck to you!

    5. Koala dreams*

      Many popular authors have had their books refused many times before they succeeded. Maybe you are one of them.

      1. Not a pandemic novel*

        I would love being one of them! :-D

        I don’t mind rejections at all. I’m not young and naive enough to believe my work would be considered by the first set of eyes reading it.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I decided when I started writing my first novel that I didn’t have to believe in myself. I could just keep doing the thing, and then it would be true.

      You don’t have to believe in a specific outcome. Just do the thing, and then there you are, doing it.

      1. Not a pandemic novel*

        This was my mindset when I was completing the work ;-) That part was “easy” in a way. I can believe in myself enough to write… marketing myself in another story.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I know, but it’s still just work to be done.

          You can make a to-do list, write a query (write it as if it’s fiction if you want to!), send them off, etc.

          I’m not saying don’t have feelings or be numb. That’s awful. I’m saying belief is optional. If the lack of it is an obstacle for you, you can remove that obstacle by considering that it is irrelevant anyway.

          When you are querying, you are in exactly the same boat as every other author who is querying. Only the terrible, delusional ones believe in themselves unconditionally. Most of them feel exactly the same as you. They just found a self-hack to circumvent those derailing emotions and get it done.

          That’s all this is – a self-hack.

          Believing in yourself doesn’t make a publisher choose your book. It doesn’t make the book more marketable, or a better fit for their catalogue. It doesn’t add or remove any themes or characters that the editor finds charming or triggering. It doesn’t improve your story structure or your prose.

          For some people, working up an emotional belief in themselves helps them take action. For others, or at different times, the process of working up those emotions just wastes energy.

          The query you dont believe in can be just as effective as the one you do. Sometimes more effective, because you can look at it in a businesslike way.

          Querying isn’t creative. It isn’t art. It’s business, and being dispassionate about it can be very helpful.

          For what it’s worth, I chose not to query because my experiences in theater taught me it’s far more productive and often easier to find your own audience than run around trying to please gatekeepers. I indiepub, which means constant marketing.

          But honestly, it’s a lot easier to convince a bunch of people to invest a few bucks each in my books, than convince one person to invest their professional reputation and many thousand dollars.

    7. Not A Girl Boss*

      I was just listening to Jocko Podcast episode 226 and they talked about this a lot. I can’t do it justice, but the tl;Dr is that if you have something to say and don’t put it out there, it’s unethical – because what if it would really speak to people? So basically, the value and the fulfillment is in putting it out there, not people’s reaction to it. Don’t let fear of a negative reaction hold you back. Because the worst thing that can happen is that people don’t care. But the worst thing that can happen from not putting it out there is that the world misses something important.

      1. Hazy Days*

        I don’t follow how that works with writing and publication – surely the whole point is you want to put it out there for readers and it’s not being picked up?

        2. Not A Girl Boss*

          OP is nervous to put it out to publishers because of fear of rejection. The point is that the honor is in trying.

    8. HQB*

      For a bit of a different take on this, what if you remove the self-confidence issue from the equation completely? You don’t have to believe in yourself to query, any more than you have to believe in yourself to brush your teeth or clean out your closet; you just have to do it. So can you decide to do it, regardless of external responses or how discouraged you are? You could set it up as a weekly thing, e.g. ‘Every Sunday I spend 20 minutes updating my list of agents to query, log any responses from the past week in a spreadsheet, and query the next agent on my list.’

    9. Nynaeve*

      A part of your “why me?” question that I haven’t seen addressed yet is: “How can I convince the agents/publishers that they should pick me?”

      The core of every pitch is “the same, but different.” The same: you want to point out that there’s a built-in audience for the type of book you’ve written. What are the books (ideally, successful books) that are similar to what you’ve written? What type of reader would gravitate toward your book? The type who likes pulse-pounding thrillers? Quirky YA romances? Evocative historical fiction with slow-burn drama? Imagine a reader comes up to a bookseller or librarian and says, “I like ______ (author) or ______ (book), but I’ve read them all and am looking for something new.” What would you fill in for those blanks that would make the bookseller or librarian (reasonably) say, “Oh, you should check out Not a pandemic novel!”

      The different: what makes your book stand apart from the pack? A plot twist? An unusual setting? A character that’s markedly different from the stock type for the genre? A thought-provoking theme? An unexpected tone? An unusual structure? This is your hook you use to interest someone in your book over someone else’s.

      Hope that helps!

  19. Anon for this*

    Anyone have suggestions where to find cute pretty summer sandals for my little girl nieces? My usual go-to shops (Mini Boden, Garnet Hill) have been disappointing this season. Many thanks!

    1. Ranon*

      Janie and Jack do cute and pretty a lot. J Crew’s Crew Cuts line might be another place to check.

    2. Book Lover*

      Those are my usual stores – and I love tea collection also. They always have some cute sandals and shoes so maybe worth checking out.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      Highly recommend Salt Water sandals which they sell at Zappos! I especially love the patent leather or gold ones. They hold up really well, are comfortable, waterproof and adorable!

  20. Natalie*

    My being pregnant came up in another thread some weeks ago (I think; what is time right now) so brief update – now we have a baby! She was a little earlier than expected but everyone is fine. We’ve been back home about a week and are doing about as well as I imagine anyone with their first baby does.

    1. Natalie*

      And my PSA – don’t skip your necessary medical care because of the pandemic. I delivered when I did because we caught an unexpected and severe pregnancy complication during my last prenatal. If your covid anxiety has grown to the point where you cannot go outside to see a doctor, your first call should be someone who can help you with that.

      1. Sleepless*

        Congratulations! And yes, it’s amazing what can go on without you being aware of it. I had pre-eclampsia and I felt completely fine.

    8. Parenthetically*

      Oh hooray!

      And an EXCELLENT PSA — one of the reasons my state is reopening some medical offices/procedures starting Monday is because they’ve seen an uptick in more-urgent presentations at ERs due to people being overly-conscientious about staying home.

    10. Jean (just Jean)*

      Mazel tov! wishing you health, happiness, and sleep!
      Thanks also for the PSA. This may be the push I needed to get back to at least scheduling appointments to address some non-urgent medical matters.

    11. fposte*

      Congratulations! I’m happy that that the early was just a bit of surprise and everybody’s back home and doing well.

    13. J.B.*

      Congratulations! Having a new little person is wild for sure. I am glad you are home and safe.

    16. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Congrats! If you don’t mind sharing, how many weeks were you when you delivered and what was the complication?

      1. Natalie*

        I say this with kindness, genuinely – I’m not sure how that information would be helpful to you. A stranger’s pregnancy outcome isn’t going to tell you anything about your own pregnancy, but it sure can become a focus for one’s anxiety. I’m assuming you’re seeing your care provider regularly and getting the recommended screenings; that should tell you what you need to know.

    17. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Congratulations! If you went to a maternity, were you allowed to bring someone or you delivered on your own? My (second) cousin is seven months pregnant and told me her Ob/Gyn is only attending to the most serious cases, no plus ones allowed even for routine procedures. She’s worried of delivering the baby without her boyfriend’s support.

      1. Natalie*

        Clinic and hospital is different. Our clinics aren’t allowing family members at appointments (except parents of course), but tbh my prenatals were so boring I never asked my husband to come to anything except the ultrasound. He just had to pick me up at the clinic to go to the hospital.

        Our hospital system is allowing one support person per laboring mother, and as far as I can tell this is pretty universal across the US at the moment. (I know some NY hospitals initially banned all birth support but they got smacked down by their state health board.) Labor/delivery and postpartum is completely different than a checkup, they rely on the birth support person to help care for the mother and baby.

    18. Wandering*

      Congratulations! Great to hear that everyone is fine, and doing well.
      Thanks for letting us know – and for your PSA.

  22. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    My farmers market was supposed to open for the season Saturday and … just isn’t. They announced this on Friday, after assuring everyone for a while now that that things were on schedule and they had a plan. I didn’t find out until late tonight when I went to check their website for operating hours, because they mostly were only communicating on Facebook rather than their website and I don’t do Facebook.

    I’m so frustrated. I did my last big Costco run a week ago that was supposed to last me 2-3 weeks, but did it with the idea that I’d be buying fresh vegetables at the farmers market starting this weekend going through fall. Now I have zero fresh veggies and no farmers market. (I have frozen broccoli and frozen orange juice, and that’s basically it for fruits and veggies unless you count potatoes or canned tomato products.) The next weekday I can grocery shop is probably next Friday, because I would have needed to have gone this Friday morning bright and early and didn’t because there was supposed to be a farmers market on Saturday. I can’t go Monday-Thursday due to work schedules.

    I didn’t join a CSA this year because I didn’t want to have to drive someplace every week when I could walk to the market, and now I’m just so frustrated. They’re muttering about maybe opening next weekend, but I no longer believe a word of it.

    I know I will, in fact, be fine without fresh veggies for a week, but I’m just so tired of all of this.

    1. Sarah*

      Reach out to the farmers you shop from at the market. If they have produce ready to go, they’ll want to move it. Perhaps you can arrange for delivery or contact-free pick up. I know when our market was closed, we (as farmers) had to figure out a strategy real quick. We’ve started offering contactless delivery, and it’s taken off in a huge way.

    2. Ali G*

      Our farmer’s market has gone 100% online pre-order and pickup. Some of the vendors are doing preset boxes and others are doing custom orders. I haven’t done it yet, but it seems to be working. Is it possible to suggest something like that?

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        Our Farmers’ Market is supposed to have gone online for ordering with drive through pick up, but trying to order sends me into a link loop. You know–the first click here sends you to a second page with another click here that sends you to a third page with a click here that sends you back to the first.

      2. Jackalopete*

        Our market is opening up today but in the meantime I bought a bunch of super expensive popsicles from one of the market stalls for delivery this week. Because I can’t do almost any of the things in my life right now that I want to, but I can buy expensive popsicles! You have no idea how excited I’ve been about them!

    3. Reba*

      That’s frustrating!

      You might find a CSA that has gone to delivery in your area. That’s what we are doing. Our farmer’s markets are open, with limitations, but I don’t wanna go.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        All of the local CSAs are sold out now. That’s basically normal for late April around here – there’s always more demand for CSAs than slots. I thought about signing up in March when they still had openings, but decided I’d rather not commit to driving each week when there’s a farmers market within walking distance. (In normal years, there are farmers market days twice a week within walking distance of me all summer, so I wheel a little folding shopping cart to the market for produce, dairy, and eggs once or twice a week, and only drive to a regular store for pantry staples about once a month. I don’t eat meat and rarely buy bread/baked goods, but those are usually available at the farmers market too. I pretty much just buy flour, dried beans/pasta, spices, and cheese at the store in the summer in a normal year.)

        Oh well. It’ll be a pretty boring week or two until I got to Costco again the first week of May, but I’ll live.

    4. Oxford Comma*

      A couple of the farmers who usually do the market in my area have, as it turns out, FB pages. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that they would, but they do. And some of them have started putting together boxes. The deal seems to be that you call ahead, tell them what you want from what they have. They charge via credit card and then you drive out and pick it up. Another farmer has started partnering with a local dairy and bakery and they’re doing a similar thing. I am debating doing this. It’s a good 40 minute drive, but it’s not like I have anything better to do and it would be an opportunity for me to charge the battery in the car.

      Maybe there’s something similar in your area?

      There are also CSA boxes, but the ones around here have waiting lists.

    5. OhBehave*

      Our farmer’s market set up a drive thru pick up. The organizers set up an online market with all the vendors. It’s hugely successful. Maybe yours could do that too. You can look at it herehttps://www.localomline.co/bloomingtonilmarket.

  23. MistOrMister*

    Has anyone done things for their pets lately? I screwed down the windowsill seat attachments so I don’t have to worry about mine falling when they jump up. And I re-carpeted two of the cat trees (can someone please come up with a good scratching material that lasts forever so I don’t have to risk life and limb with an Xacto knife? Please and thank you!)

    I would absolutely love to put up a catwalk, but I am noy handy enough. Granted, I could probably google/youtube my way through it but handy projects always take 500 times longer than I ecpect they woulf and involve so much of me cursing the screwdriver’s great ancestors that it just isn’t worth the effort, usually.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      The temperature has finally hit its spring stride so we can have windows open and the heat off.

      We have a tension rod with a sheer curtain in our back doorway. Tuck it into the frame on either side and the bugs stay out but the dog can easily come and go as well as stick her head out (she has a doggy door anyway). She also lays in front of it.

      This isn’t new, it’s seasonal, but she is so spoiled.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Elder Statesdog is elderly and arthritic and having some vision issues and her paws slip more than they used to, so we put nonslip carpet treads on the (hardwood) stairs and a motion activated LED light strip so she can see better and has better traction. My husband’s stupid cat has peed on several of her favorite pillows (he doesn’t clean the cat box enough) so I have replacements on order. In the meantime, if the pillow she wants to lay in is occupied, she has been laying down on it anyway, occasionally right on the Junior Ambassador, which is really funny. (I hear a “wha… oh, come ON, really??” noise and when I look, the pillow is full of two snuggled or otherwise overlapping dogs.)

    3. Liane*

      A new harness for Bear the very furry & adorable Lab mix* for our 4th “doggoversary” last month. He likes this one MUCH better because we decided to take it off at night. Bear isn’t at all happy about his new comb. It is not at all like being scratched, he says, so stop saying it is.

      *Lab, shepherd, something that drools a lot

      1. Anono-me*

        Have you tried a grooming blade? They look like a hacksaw blade that is bent in a teardrop shape. They also look “mean”, but every pet we ever had loved it so much that they would come running at the sight of it. (And a few of the neighbor pets. )

    4. A Tired Queer*

      My kitty got diagnosed with congestive heart failure in January and has been doing very well on her meds, but lately she hasn’t wanted to eat them. We’ve been just putting them in her food, but we discovered on Monday that she’d just nosed her morning dose aside and eaten around it. A mad scramble around the kitchen produced the unexpected and hilarious result: this dumb feline loves the taste of tofu sour cream! So that’s our new strategy: glue the pills to a treat with sour cream and watch her go, none the wiser!

      1. RC Rascal*

        My kitty had congestive heart failure. He took lots of pills, the best way for us was to just put it down his throat. At diagnosis he was supposed to live 6 months. He lived another 2 1/2 years.

        I wish you luck with your kitty.

    5. Trixie*

      I’ve been thinking about something like Magic Mesh or magnetic screen panels/doors to the backyard area. I take my senior kitty out 2-3 times a day for his “constitutionals” but screens might make it easier to just sit and enjoy, or come back in when he’s ready. He doesn’t usually stay out long if not accompanied. I’m giving him more treats and the more calorie-dense, the better. At 17 years old, it’s a challenge keeping his weight up. I found a cute cardboard cat house at Aldi’s and he uses it all the time. I’m thinking of a second one to place elsewhere, may the study/office where I’m working.

      1. MistOrMister*

        I tried the mesh screens with the magnets up top. They did not work at all and I had to take them back. It’s been so long I forget what the issue was, but I remember being very disappointed. Hopefully they work better if you end up getting them!

        I’d love to be able to let my cats have the run of the yard but they’ll jump the fence and go who knows where. I live right off a busy main road, so they have to be indoor only.

    6. MechanicalPencil*

      I got a little plastic kiddie pool. I’m not sure who of my bunch will actually wind up using it, but it was cheap and I can use it for wintering plants indoors if it doesn’t pan out. There’s several enrichment activities in which a large containing item would be handy if the whole body of water idea flops. (bobbing for hot dog bites/apple chunks; plastic ball pit balls/sheets/scrap paper or cardboard for snuffling through to find a treat…).

    8. JobHunter*

      If your cats like sisal, you can replace the shredded lengths of rope easily using a heavy scissors and fencing staples. (My scratching post is made of a heavy wood core, like a fence post, with a heavy base.) I replace the shredded bits every 6 months or so with heavy use.

    9. Smol Book Wizard*

      I’m living with my brother for now, so I had to leave some of the poodle’s toys behind. I bought her a new Kong this week because sometimes she really gets into gnawing, and her other toys aren’t really designed for such. Anyone who gives their dogs Kongs, what are your tips for fillers that aren’t terribly messy?

  24. Hazy Days*

    Some American cooking questions!

    My aunt in the US gave me the wonderful gift of a subscription to the New York Times cookery app. I’m having such fun cooking madly (for one – so much adjusting of quantities is going on!). However, I have some queries I’m hoping you can help with.

    What is a skillet? I think it might be a cast iron frying pan – perhaps the type of thing Le Creuset would make.

    What are canned chipotles and what can be substituted?

    US recipes for sponge cakes incline towards using baking soda to give an additional rise, whereas the traditional UK recipes use baking powder. I find baking soda gives an unpleasant bitter taste (on the plus side, I now know what the bitter taste I don’t like in some US and US inspired baking is).
    Am I unusually sensitive to the soda taste, is the soda taste there to balance the extra sweetness of the US cupcake toppings and vice-versa, or is the soda taste delicious if you’ve grown up with it? Please answer my soda curiosity!

    1. Blueberry*

      Yay cooking!

      A skillet is a lighter pan than a cast iron pan, often made out of steel, with sloping instead of straight sides. Sometimes it has a nonstick coating.

      Canned chipotles are a kind of hot pepper. They are made from ripe jalapenos which are smoked and then canned in a hot pepper sauce called ‘adobo’. What can be substituted depends on what peppers you have available — my usual substitution (since I can never seem to keep chipotles around) is a teaspoonful each of aleppo pepper and water for each chipotle. It won’t be as smoky but should be fruity and spicy enough.

      Hm. I’m not familiar with sponge cake recipes that use baking soda instead of baking powder unless they also include an acidic ingredient to neutralize the baking soda, which, if it’s not neutralized, indeed does have the bitter taste. I would recommend just substituting in baking powder, since you like it better and both will make the cake rise.

      Email me a cupcake! ;)

      1. Hazy Days*

        Thank you! So a skillet is just a heavy bottomed frying pan? Do you not use the term frying pan?

        1. Natalie*

          We do, I think US recipe writers just prefer “skillet”. Maybe because it’s one word? There’s probably regional variation but I’m in the upper Midwest and IME “frying pan” is the more commonly used in people’s homes.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            North East here. People around me usually say, “frying pan”. If they mean a cast iron pan then they would say, “cast iron frying pan”.

            Just an impression but to me, “skillet” is an old word that my grandmother would use. (She was born in 1880.) She also used words like, veranda and stoop. Now, I hear front porch and back porch, instead.

            Recipes and sewing instructions. Some of the terms can be really confusing.

            1. fposte*

              Hah, I say “stoop.” But mostly because what I have couldn’t really be called a front porch.

              Another old-fashioned term for skillets is “spider.” Apparently it stems from the time when pans would have legs so they could stand in the fire for a while.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Spider. I never heard that one, but it makes sense.

                Every time I hear “stoop”I think of my grandmother. ;)
                I always thought veranda sounded rich. Impressions kids get- ha!

              2. PhyllisB*

                I know I said I was getting off but had to answer this. A spider is a sectioned skillet (frying pan) that’s used to make cornbread. Can also use it for scones. If you’ve ever seen a shortbread pan it looks similar but these are made of cast iron.

          2. PhyllisB*

            In the South, it’s a frying pan. About the baking soda: I don’t for sure about the recipe you’re using, and I’m not a pastry chef, just a Southern cook, but most recipes that use baking soda have an acid with them: Lemon juice, vinegar, or buttermilk. The baking soda and acid together give the rising action I believe. If it’s bitter I wonder if you’re adding too much or not mixing it in correctly? The only time I’ve ever got bitter is when I was in a hurry and didn’t whisk it with my dry ingredients enough. I can’t imagine a sponge cake having any of these ingredients. I’m getting ready for bed now (long day) but tomorrow I’ll dig through my cookbooks and see if I can find some answers for you. Until you get a good answer (whether from me or someone else) I wouldn’t substitute baking powder; you might not get good results.

          3. Amethystmoon*

            Also in upper Midwest, and frying pan is the one I have heard more often. Skillet is the one I see in cookbooks, though.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          To me, a skillet and a frying pan are the same thing. It could be any kind of material, including cast iron.

          1. Reba*

            Yeah, same! Skillet can be cast iron, stainless, nonstick….

            In my house we have a high sided cast iron skillet I inherited from my gran. (Btw what they say about vintage being better than new is really true!) I looked it up and the model is a “chicken fryer” — so we call it that because it’s delightful, not because we ever cook chicken in it.

            Glad you are enjoying the recipes, Hazy!

          2. HBJ*

            Agreed. I consider them the same thing. I’m not a professional chef, but I can cook pretty well. I only use cast iron skillets, so any differentiation with types of skillets that should be used for a recipe is completely ignored by me.

          3. Clisby*

            Same here. A skillet has sides that are slightly slanted out, rather than straight-up. The material they’re made of is irrelevant. A saute pan, in contrast, has sides that go straight up. I don’t mean you can’t saute stuff in a skillet – I do it all the time.

          4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

            To me, any cooking pot that is relatively wide with short sides is a skillet. I know there are technically differences but I use frying pan or skillet interchangeably for this type of pan regardless of the material it’s made of.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I understand that American recipes typically call for “all purpose flour” which is equivalent to our plain flour. You could try using self-raising flour and ignoring the additional raising agent; or using our baking powder instead of bicarb.

      I only use bicarb where it’s needed to balance spices (especially ground ginger).

      I have also been converting US recipes this week! Last week (week before?) someone kindly shared the Doubletree cookie recipe, but it needed A LOT of conversion and scaling to be useful. We enjoyed them last night, and I will tweak a little more before I add it to my recipe folder – some proportions were wildly odd, and the texture slightly odd, so I think there must be a difference in the expected moisture content of certain dry ingredients, or the chunk size of chocolate chips, etc, which is affecting the alchemy.

      1. Hazy Days*

        Maybe I’ll do a comparison bake over the weekend subbing self-raising flour in one, and see what difference it makes.

    3. WS*

      Not from the US, but if there’s baking soda in the recipe, there should be an acidic ingredient (lemon, yoghurt, etc.) for it to react with in order to work properly. This should also cancel out the weird taste. Personally I’m much more sensitive to too much baking powder!

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! If you can taste the baking soda, IMO, the recipe hasn’t balanced properly, acid/base-wise.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. Soda is for buttermilk biscuits/pancakes, etc. It should *not* be used in, say, standard chocolate-chip cookies. You’ll taste it and also get the weird foamy/mushrooming sensation in your mouth when you bite down on it.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Canned jalapeños are a good sub, but just a note that chipotles have a smoky flavor, so whatever you’re making will not come out quite the same. I don’t know if smoked peppers are a thing in Europe?

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          You could add smoked Spanish paprika, maybe? Not as intense as chipotles but it would add some smoky flavour.

        2. MistOrMister*

          I had a whole reply about the difference in chipotles and jalapenos and the smoke and spice level but for some reason it would NOT post even though I tried a bunch of times. So I gave up and just suggested the jalapenos. :)

    5. Hazy Days*

      WELL – this discussion of the soda and the acid is very interesting. The originals have buttermilk, but that’s hard to source in the UK so I’ve followed instructions to acidify milk with lemon juice. I wonder if that affects it – but then, I can taste baking soda in certain US cupcakes and muffins, which presumably were made with buttermilk correctly?

      This is an extract of the NYT Black Forest Cake ingredients list:
      1 cup/240 milliliters buttermilk
      3 cups/385 grams all-purpose flour
      1 tablespoon baking powder
      3/4 teaspoon baking soda

      1. Pharmgirl*

        That seems like a lot of baking powder! Baking powder does having baking soda in it, so maybe that’s why you’re getting more of the bitter taste?

      2. Natalie*

        US tablespoons and teaspoons are slightly smaller than UK, if you didn’t convert those you might have added a little too much of each.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Nice catch. There are conversion charts on line. Or you can DIY by dividing by 1.201.

          Or maybe your aunt can send you US measuring cups and spoons.

          1. Natalie*

            I used to have this Irish baking book where the author had helpfully provided conversions for US, UK imperial, and metric for both measurements and temps (I remember “gas 7” as a temperature, still don’t really know what it meant).

            1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

              For a while, gas ovens (in at least the UK) didn’t have temperatures marked on the controls, but standardised levels. I’m millennial and have never had to deal with this, but older recipes will say e.g. “preheat oven to 180°C/350°F/gas mark 4” – that was an example from a crumbling book on my shelf with a copyright of 1992. I assume they were not thermostatically controlled?

              I have a vague idea that GM1 is very low, meringue temperature, most baking is GM3-4, and bread 7-8. But I don’t think I’ve ever had to deal with a recipe that ONLY had the gas mark mentioned.

              2. Batgirl*

                I use gas mark 6/7 for lasagne or wedges, gas mark 5 to bake a cake. GM1 is only good for keeping a dinner warm.

              3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                My oven (approximately 12 years old) only has gas marks. I have a chart that I ripped out from some cooking magazine or other taped on the inside of one of my cabinets that lists conversions between F-C-Gas Mark, plus other stuff. Very useful! (My oven sucks though… it doesn’t heat up evenly but I think that’s just the fault of this particular one.)

      3. HBJ*

        Milk and lemon juice is an extremely common substitute for buttermilk here. No one I know buys buttermilk because it’s used so seldom. I’d never use a whole bottle before it went bad.

      4. Pieforbreakfast*

        It’s a common suggestion but lemon juice + milk just equals curdled milk, not buttermilk. I’ve found a better substitution is plain yogurt + milk or sour cream + milk, 2:1 ratio.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Honestly, I’d say just don’t do buttermilk recipes unless you have buttermilk. There’s lots of other recipes out there.

      5. Fikly*

        Ignorant American here – what’s the deal with the lack of buttermilk in the UK?

        It’s a natural byproduct of making butter, and my understanding is that there has been, and still is, quite a lot of butter production in the UK, so where is the buttermilk going?

        1. Child of 70s smallholders*

          There are 2 types of butter, lactic and sweet. Lactic butter involves letting the milk naturally sour before churning. The butter comes together very quickly and you are left with buttermilk. Sweet butter is made from fresh milk. Takes ages to churn and leaves behind skim milk with a greasy mouth feel. Most UK butter is sweet butter (like Anchor) rather than lactic (like Lurpak). The only buttermilk recipes I’ve seen are US imports. I don’t know what we do with the liquid left over.

          1. Fikly*

            Aha! That makes sense! Thank you!

            I had noticed the difference in butter taste when I lived in the UK, but I hadn’t realized there was a different process for making it, I guess I thought it was maybe due to the cows eating different things or something like that.

          2. NotClaire*

            I’ve noticed a lot of things have skimmed milk or skimmed milk powder as an ingredient – I’ve always assumed that’s coz it was left over after selling the cream (didn’t know about the butter thing).

    6. AcademiaNut*

      Baking powder contains baking soda – it’s a combination of sodium bicarbonate (a base) and cream of tartar (an acid). If the recipe just calls for baking soda, it should have an acidic ingredient in it. Keep in mind that self-rising flour is not really a thing in the US. So if you’re using it, you’re getting extra baking soda, which will make things bitter (and possibly rise too much).

      Canned chipotles will probably refer to chipotles in adobo sauce. Chipotles are a smoked, dried jalapeno pepper; they’re often canned with a tomato based sauce. You can substitute some vinegar based hot sauce (which will give you spicy but not smoky). If you’ve got liquid smoke, add a drop or two of that, or add some smoked paprika. There are a variety of chipotle based hot sauces – I know Tabasco makes one. That works for the flavour, and keeps for ages.

      Skillet is mostly just a frying pan. An electric skillet is a large, often square, electrically heated frying pan.

      1. Hazy Days*

        Thank you – I’m getting some good ideas about the chipotles now. Smoked paprika I have.

        I’m not using SR flour on this, so the explanation isn’t double raising agent. I wonder if buttermilk is necessary?

        1. Hazy Days*

          I mean that substituting milk + lemon juice isn’t properly balancing the soda in the way buttermilk does. I could try hunting down buttermilk as my next project…

          1. Natalie*

            Are you using enough acid? You want about a tablespoon of lemon juice or vinegar per cup of milk. You could also try cream of tartar (1 1/2 US tsp per cup milk, mixed in w your dry ingredients) or plain yogurt (pick a brand with a thinner texture, no Greek yogurt).

          2. Dancing Otter*

            Buttermilk is available here in powdered form. Not all groceries stock it, but King Arthur Flour sells it from their website. Would they ship to you? Or you could check your baking supply vendors.
            I like the powdered form because it genuinely is good for baking, but it’s shelf stable. (When I buy fresh buttermilk, I always seem to throw half of it away.) While the powder can go in with the dry ingredients, you obviously have to add more liquid to the recipe; or just reconstitute it first, and follow the recipe directions.
            I have also seen recipes that call for the dry form as a flour enhancer; it’s supposed to add protein, I think.

            1. saf*

              Buttermilk freezes. I freeze it in 1/4 cup ice cubes, store in a zip bag in the freezer. The texture suffers, so don’t plan to drink it after freezing, but it still bakes properly.

            1. Runaway Shinobi*

              Sainsbury’s and Waitrose both sell it as well. Look near the cream, sour cream, creme fraiche sections. I think it’s St Ivel brand.

      2. Fikly*

        Self rising flour is a thing in the US, but it’s regional – I believe it’s localized to the South.

        But for US recipes, it’s generally safe to assume that if the recipe doesn’t say self rising, it’s regular (all purpose) flour.

        1. pancakes*

          We have self-rising flour in the northeast. It’s not something I buy but I do see it in shops.

          1. Natalie*

            I’ve bought it in the Midwest, too. Not recently, but I don’t recall it being hard to find.

        2. Clisby*

          I was about to reply to this: “Keep in mind that self-rising flour is not really a thing in the US.”
          And my reply was: “WHAT???”
          It’s extremely common where I live (SC). But you’re correct that you should use self-rising flour only when the recipe calls for it (or you’re on your own pal!)

          1. Parenthetically*

            It’s definitely less of a thing here than in the UK and Australia, but it’s far far more common in the South. It was and is available where I grew up (mountain west), but it wasn’t until I moved to Kentucky that it seemed ubiquitous.

          2. RagingADHD*

            When I lived up North, srf did seem less common in stores. Down here in the South, there’s multiple brands in every store (under normal circumstances).

      3. Parenthetically*

        You might also see if you can order chipotle POWDER which, while not identical, is probably the closest flavor-wise, and which obviously is easier to keep around — once you open the can of chipotles and use the single chipotle from it, you have to freeze the rest.

      4. Imtheone*

        Self rising flour is standard in Southern cooking in the US, but less common elsewhere.

    8. Glomarization, Esq.*

      skillet

      I guess there’s a lot of different answers here. So fun! Personally I’d call my non-stick, slope-sided frying pan a frying pan, while I tend to call my cast-iron pans skillets. Except for my round flat one, which I call a griddle or comal.

      What are canned chipotles and what can be substituted?

      Chipotles are smoke-dried jalapeno peppers. When they’re canned you usually find them in adobo sauce, which is a flavoured, vinegary tomato sauce.

      1. WellRed*

        Interesting. I don’t find adobo sauce vinegary at all. I love chipotle sauces but can never find the perfect one because I don’t like vinegary sauces (though I love vinegar).

    9. Whiskey on the rocks*

      Many brands make their soda with aluminum which causes that metallic taste. In my area Rumford is one brand that makes an aluminum free version. Also make sure to sieve your soda; it tends to clump and that will leave a very bitter pocket in whatever you’re baking.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Baking soda doesn’t ever have aluminum in it because it is pure bicarbonate of soda. Baking powder does sometimes have aluminum sulfate in it — but aluminum-free baking powder is definitely way better.

        1. Whiskey on the rocks*

          I came back to say I’m an idiot with covid brain as it just now occurred to me that I mixed them up

    11. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Something to remember is that baking soda / bicarb immediately starts working as a rising agent as soon as it hits the wet ingredients, so you want it to go into the oven asap after adding. Baking powder is triggered by heat.

    14. PhyllisB*

      Hazy Days, I hope you see this, I didn’t mean to be so late getting back to you. I see the baking powder/baking soda question has been thoroughly explained (and do read that link to the article on the difference. It’s very informative.)
      I did some cookbook research and this is basically what I read (and thought, but wanted to be sure) sponge cakes get their leavening mostly from air, which is usually beaten egg whites. Some cakes do call for whole eggs that you beat until they are really thick and lemon colored. You can overbeat egg whites but not whole eggs. Always go a little longer than you think they need.
      I looked at a lot of recipes and did not see a single sponge cake that called for both baking soda and baking powder. About the excerpt you printed; was it billed as a sponge cake? Black Forest cake is usually pretty dense. And I agree with someone else; that is a lot of baking powder and baking soda. No wonder it tasted bitter. Just as a side note, try to find a cookbook (or you might can find a chart on the internet to print off) that shows American vs. British units of measure.
      Thanks to you and this question, I just discovered I have a cookbook with such a chart in the front. It even shows what a dash, a wineglass, and butter the size of an egg is (very old recipes used to use measurements like this) Also oven temps. When I see British recipes and they say something like gas mark 4 I’m like whaaa? If you’re interested, the book I’m referencing is King Arthur Flour Baker’s Companion 2003 edition. I don’t know how I missed this before. However, I’m sure other cookbooks will have this info or some of the other readers will help you. Good luck with your cooking; it’s fun to try new things and new techniques. As and I’m sure you see, there’s plenty of folks ready and eager to assist.

    15. CastIrony*

      I don’t usually taste the baking soda, but it is because I have been in the US all my life. I have read on Pinterest that the US has sweeter sweets than the UK in general, though.

  26. MistOrMister*

    A skillet is generally any frying pan. It doesn’t have to be cast iron, although there is certainly nothing wrong if it is.

    Canned chipotles are canned chipotle peppers. I don’t bother looking for them because I never know where they are on the store. I usually just used the mild version of canned diced jalapenos in their place. It won’t give you the intended flavor profile for the recipe though…chipotles are smoked jalapenos, so you get different flavor from them and I believe they’re spicier.

    Baking soda and powder are both to get air into your baked goods/help them rise. According to this article baking soda needs liquid plys acid to activate and baking powder has acid included so only needs liquid. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bonappetit.com/story/baking-powder-vs-baking-soda-difference/amp. I am pretty sure American recipes that call for baking soda instead of powder do so solely based on what works for leavening. I never knew what the difference between the two was, so I always wondered why recipes called for on vs the other. It’s not a taste thing for us though….not as far as I can tell. Ideally we don’t taste it in the finished product.

  27. Misty*

    Coffee guy roommate found a new place and moves out June 1st.
    So just one more month of chaos, and then I hope things will be better.
    Keep your fingers crossed for me!

  28. Retail not Retail*

    Regionalism question. If you don’t live in the south, don’t have relatives here, or are a recent transplant (define that how you wish), have you heard of a sinus cocktail shot?

    I got one Wednesday and my mom was like oh good, about time, this has been kicking your butt since before the shutdown. Then I was idly googling it and just got stuff from my city. So i took it out. Just southern stuff! Including transplants saying they’d never heard of it but it helps with crud/allergies that morph into an infection. It’s steroids and a decongestant and an antihistamine.

    Anyway! I never thought of it as regional! Some people say it’s the humidity/high pollen/cotton but who knows. Sure does help when you’re at the end of your rope.

    (Also got reminded COGIC is regional.)

    1. Retail not Retail*

      Oh! My mom was an EMT in the 80s, never further south than LA or annapolis however you consider the south. We’ve been here 25 years and she was like… you’re right. Didn’t hear of it until we moved here.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      I’ve lived in the US South for 45 years with allergies since early childhood and I have never heard of this.

      I’m a firm believer in not overmedicating – knowing the cause and targeting the treatment to it – and I am kinda stunned at this concept.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      I have not heard of this either, but am intrigued. My horrible spring allergies started this week. How long does the shot last? Would it get you through an allergy season or just a week or two? Very curious!

    5. Reba*

      I’m perplexed! It sounds like things you can get at the drugstore… why get it in shot form?

      Anyway, yes, never heard of it till today!

      1. fposte*

        I wasn’t sure if RNR meant “shot” as in “needle injection” or “shot” as in “alcohol shot.”

        1. Reba*

          These are injections! I’m now learning that lots of clinics will give all sorts of “wellness injections.”

          I am reminded of how in some places I’ve lived people really love treatment by IV. Once I was pretty unwell, ended up spending several hours in a clinic… I know there are good reasons for different dosage deliveries but I was so peeved later to realize that for some of the treatment I was given, I could have taken some tylenol and spent much of that time in my own bed.

          1. Reba*

            Sorry, that wasn’t meant to sounds judgey about the sinus treatment. Just that I am finding it online on menus of things that are, um, less evidence-based and more instagram-model based?

            2. Retail not Retail*

              Yeah it wasn’t until I was idly googling that I saw it had less than savory connotations.

              I just said look, we did antibiotics, we did OTC stuff, I don’t want to do another round of antibiotics. I didn’t like ask for it, and I haven’t had one in ages – the smokies weren’t that bad compared to the delta for my allergies I guess!

              1. Reba*

                Sounds like the steroids are the real MVP here! I’ve always had seasonal allergies, often pretty gnarly, but I don’t believe I’ve ever had steroids as a treatment.

                1. MysteryFan*

                  Steroid injections are the “last resort” treatment for seasonal allergies where I used to live in Texas. We have Ash Juniper trees that local’s call “cedar” and lots of people are very sensitive. Cedar Fever is a well-known ailment during the January or so season, just after the first frost. In my experience Drs are reluctant to give steroids until you’ve tried all the “regular” treatments, antihistamines, decongestants etc. I know some folks who would LOVE to get one of the Sinus Cocktail shots!

    6. schnauzerfan*

      Never heard of it. Lived all my life in South Dakota other than 15 months in Baton Rouge.

    7. Bookslinger in My Free Time*

      Midwesterner with high pollen rural areas- never heard of it being called a “sinus cocktail shot”, but it sounds similar to the cocktail I get every January-March for the URIs inevitably caused by my asthma & allergies remembering they hate it when I breathe. Steroids (a lot- I feel great for two weeks after finishing the course because I take a daily inhaled steroid and they work really well together), antibiotics (because by the time I have symptoms it’s gone bacterial or about to), and decongestants. I do not take allergy meds anymore unless I am having serious issues- I can’t function on them as they ALL make me drowsy/foggy.

    8. ThatGirl*

      COGIC = church of god in Christ? I’ve seen that in the Midwest, though the churches themselves may not be as common.

    9. Clisby*

      I do live in the south, and have for all but about 9 of my 66 years, and have never heard of this.

    10. Atchafalaya*

      I’m in north MS and sinus cocktail shots are very common here and are wonderful! Hope you feel better soon.

    12. Generic Name*

      Never heard of it. From the Midwest, live in TX for a while, and am now settled in the Rocky Mountain region.

    1. Selmarie*

      Yes! Although, sadly, season 3 is not available in the US yet (I keep checking, though). Enjoy!

  30. Chocolate Teapot*

    In the continuing saga of my broken washing machine, I am feeling more positive this week after having discovered a small self-service laundrette tucked away on a back street!

    Still no idea of when I will be able to buy a new machine, but at least my towels can dry more quickly!

    3. Trixie*

      For a long time, I used a neighborhood laundromat and I did enjoy the Sunday morning routine. Laundry, cleaning the car, maybe groceries. My Saturday routine was similar with St Vinnie’s thrift store, then bagel stop before heading home for morning cooking shoes. My apartment at that time had lovely morning light. Good memories!

      My next apartment had facilities on site so that was convenient but such a small number of machines for the complex. I’ve been in my current place for a few years and it’s a luxury to have units in the house, being able to run a load any time. The dryer gave out finally and due to repair costs, they replaced both with newer washer/dryer. That was an exciting day for this renter! I love keep the space clean, uncluttered, and organized. It’s not pretty but I keep curtains to separate off the kitchen. Helps trap heat in summer and cold in winter.

    4. Clisby*

      My favorite laundromat experience was in the mid-80s, when I moved to Charleston, SC to attend the local college for a BS in computer science. My apartment had no washer/dryer, so just about every Sunday I took my laundry down to the local city marina, which had both laundry facilities and a restaurant, and did my laundry while I ate breakfast and read the New York Times.

  31. email issues*

    I seem to write offensive emails. Not the kind using profanity but just an underhanded snark or entitled attitude. I have been working on the attitude for a long time, and now it mostly comes out when I am stressed for some reason, which is not an excuse. I can see it later, after the recipient has pointed it out, or I am in a better place. I realized just yesterday that this is how my mother talks to me, so that’s interesting but not that useful. I think because of our current situation, my email communication has increased even to friends who I normally mostly interact in face to face meetings, and we’re all stressed on some level, it’s worse, and the smoothing things over dinner that might have happened in other times is not happening. Any tips of how to look at my communication more critically? I really don’t want to hurt anyone.

    1. Misty*

      If possible, writing your emails out and then send them at another time once you’re in a different emotional state. I also do not check my school email if I’m stressed because then I’m more likely to email back something that sounds like I am panicky if that makes sense. What’s really helped me is to just not reply to people unless I absolutely have to and then reply at a time when I’m well rested/had eaten/generally feel okay.

      I’m really bad at email and stuff like that. I refuse to text anyone or give out my number and try to limit the number of people who email me (which of course is not always possible)

      1. Washi*

        I agree. I think at least at first, you’ll have better luck noticing the feeling than noticing the snark. Sort of similarly, when I notice that I am feeling a certain kind of irritable anxiety (especially if I’m having imaginary arguments with people in my head) then I try not to make any decisions until I’m in a better state.

      2. PhyllisB*

        My husband is an instructor at our college workforce center and he has to go back tomorrow; students return May 4. Their instruction is all hands-on, cannot be taught online, and there are state requirements on how many hours of hands-on they get before they are considered complete.
        Anyway, he got the definite message today about return so he sent texts to all his students and VERY PLAINLY told them to respond by email so he would know they saw it and could ask questions if they had them.
        He told me, “I bet every single one them text back.” And sure enough, they did. I got so tickled, he was sitting at the kitchen table with his roster muttering, “I’m failing your ass. YOU just got an F-. ….” Of course, he’s not really going to fail them, but he is going to give them a stern lecture in FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS when class resumes.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          I’m confused why he didn’t email them first if he wanted an email response though? I mean, I get it, following instructions, but it’s a pretty natural response to reply in the medium one received the initial communication.

          1. Washi*

            Maybe he did both? I can see why just emailing might not work if he knows this is a population that doesn’t really check email. But yeah, I think a text that says “please check your email for an important announcement!” might have resulted in more people following instructions.

    2. Kathenus*

      If you have a friend or colleague that can review them and give feedback first, that can help you begin to learn what parts of your writing style now are being viewed as offensive. Then hopefully you can start using the feedback to word things differently, and the review won’t be needed.

      I had a boss once who had a really, really bad way with emails and he offended so many people with his wording. I had known him professionally long before we worked together so he began sending some of the ones on sensitive (not confidential) topics to me to look at first to recommend changes so that they didn’t have an unintended effect of pissing everyone off. Unfortunately he didn’t do well with the learning to change his style part, and eventually just sent them straight out to people.

      But if you really do want to change this, a second set of eyes can be very helpful. I do this with my managers right now for emails to my team on certain topics, because they can sometimes catch wording that might be problematic and help with not stirring up something unintentionally. Good luck.

    3. LGC*

      First of all, I have to ask…are you hitting send immediately after you write the message? If so…don’t. If you need to make it easier, don’t even put the addressee in the To, CC, or BCC fields so you won’t be able to send it. I’ve had that problem at work, and…it’s a simple fix, but it’s one that takes some discipline.

      You sound like you want to improve, so…look at what you’ve done in the past and look for specific ways that you come off as being snarky or having an entitled attitude. (It gets a bit easier as you go along!) If you feel like you have to respond immediately, please don’t feel that way. The beauty of email is that you can continue the conversation whenever you want.

      (If you’re talking about group chats, that’s a bit trickier. But it’s also easier to hang back and not say anything at first than it is in real life.)

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        If you are using Outlook (and possibly other apps), putting an unresolved recipient in the To field will prevent it from being sent.

        So I put “notyet” or “donotsend” in the To field and only remove it when I’m actually ready to go.

        1. LGC*

          I wish I knew this five years ago! I’ll definitely try that trick in the future at work.

          Also, I tried it in Gmail right now and this works. So that’s another option.

          1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

            Good to know!

            I often send emails with multiple recipients so I’m less likely to muck that up if I can organise them at the same time as composing the email.

    4. Jules the 3rd*

      Short term: Compose, and then come back later to see if there’s snark.
      Long term: Develop an ’email voice’ that is distinct from your in person tone.

      I noticed a couple of decades ago that because text ‘flattens’ the communication, removing all the vocal tones and facial expressions, my joking emails were being misunderstood. So I started being more direct and earnest in text – I may describe something funny, but I never use sarcasm without a /s, and I usually don’t use it at all. I’m still warm and friendly, but no ‘joking negatives’, and limited references / in-jokes. Turns out, when we’re not in front of them, people can forget the in-jokes.

      The turning point for that last was when someone got offended by a Princess Bride reference, and thought I was calling them a rat. I’d watched the movie with them at least three times, I thought they knew Rodents of Unusual Size (ROUS) were a reference to surprises, not personal characteristics.

    5. Dan*

      I used to be really bad about this… that is, sending off emails that got construed in ways that I didn’t intent, and I always thought, how the f am I supposed to know how X number of people could interpret that?

      I don’t email much socially anymore (which I realize is the focus of your question), but I think some of my work lessons could be relevant:

      1. Keep emails as objectively focused/task-oriented as possible. If I think somebody messed something up, I’m very careful about the wording. “Could you explain the reasoning behind X a little more?” (Not, “I think you’re wrong about X…”)

      2. My team will pass emails around for tone editing. I’m the subject matter expert on my team, so when another team screws something up, I’m the one to figure it out. But I’m not the project manager, nor the team liason. So my bosses and I will go back and forth to balance technical correctness/tone management.

      3. If I have to deal with something really sticky, or I know a topic could get really hung up in an email, I’ll jump to the phone pretty fast. Yes, I realize lots of people aren’t “phone” people and may prefer email, but there’s a time and place for everything. If an email exchange is too risky/too inefficient for sorting something out, then it *will* be a phone call… especially if the phone can sort out in 15 minutes what could take days (and pissed off people) to resolve over email.

      Again, I realize my email advice is more work focused, but perhaps the takeaway is the same? Some topics are fine for email, some aren’t.

    6. Not A Girl Boss*

      I think it comes down to the intent and mindset when writing the email. Rather than forcing yourself to try to censure/hide your “true feelings” can you focus on understanding where those “true feelings” are coming from and work to correct that?

      -What triggers the snark to come out? How did the email you received make you feel, to cause you to respond with snark?
      -How do these friends make you feel?
      -Do you write these emails to prove you’re right and they’re wrong, or to improve your relationship?
      -Are you thinking strategically or tactically? As my dad used to say, you’re right but you’re not correct. (Because being right has a cost).
      -What are you gaining by communicating in this way? What are you losing in return?
      -Is this just your brand of humor? Does your humor not work with your friends? Or is it just that it’s lost over text? Perhaps you need to add more emojis etc to convey the emotion more?

  32. laundry question*

    How safe do you think it is to send laundry out? I feel conflicted.

    I don’t feel safe going to the laundromat closest to me, and staying there, so have been washing a few essentials by hands but that does seem practical for things like towels and bed linens (I don’t have an outdoors, so don’t think I could dry them in my apartment without getting them musty). Others in my building are sending their laundry to a slightly further place that does pick-up and delivery. I guess I could leave the laundry alone for a few days after getting it back? how are you handling things?

    1. Ranon*

      I think if you are in an abundance of caution mode you could let it sit for a day or two but the overall risk seems incredibly low unless you are in the habit of rubbing your face all over every piece of clean laundry the instant you receive it- and even then it would take an extraordinary set of circumstances for that to be the way you catch anything besides lint. I would go for it, it sounds like a good solution.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        The small self-service laundrette I discovered (see above) says its cycles are all under an hour in duration. Also, the social distancing rules state there should be no more 3 people in the laundrette at any one time, and masks/bandanas should be worn.

        Even though lower temperatures are more environmentally friendly, I opted for a higher wash temperature and also took a pair of rubber gloves to load and unload the machine.

    2. Natalie*

      Remember, people and their breathing are far and away the biggest vector, not stuff. If this wash & fold is already delivering to your building, sending your laundry to them doesn’t add to the number of people out and about. It’s also very unlikely to raise your risk. So win-win IMO.

    3. 00ff00Claire*

      The latest research I’ve seen says the virus only lives two days on cloth. So if you want to do it and can leave the items for a few days, sounds like it would be fine!

    4. Old and Don’t Care*

      I’ve been going to the laundromat. (My dryer is broken, so I’ve been bring my wet clothes there and drying them.). They limit the number of people in the building, you can’t stay in the building while your clothes wash or dry, nor can you fold them there. I’m not concerned about being in the uncrowded, hot, humid building for five minutes so that’s what I do. It is making me reprioritize getting a new dryer though.

    5. MostCake*

      You’d be surprised what you can dry on an indoor drying rack, the kind that collapses and has a bunch of rungs. Years ago I lived in a small flat that had access to one mangy coin washer and dryer for 12 apartments. I dreaded laundry and was always utilizing a scary and not very clean laundromat nearby plus a full service laundry that was wonderful but very expensive. Finally I invested in a portable washer on wheels that I could hook up to my bathroom sink, including the drain hose, when it wasn’t stored in the linen closest next to the bathroom. It was a Haier brand as I recall and cost about $400. Best money I ever spent. I was able to wash everything in it, although in small batches, for example if I changed my king-sized bed sheets, I would wash one sheet + one pillowcase at a time. Then I would fold whatever it was neatly and appropriately and utilize the drying rack which was set up in my bedroom. I was very surprised that towels dried quickly and were soft, not stiff. Something big like a flat sheet, I would have to flip the folds a couple of times until it dried through, maybe it would take 24 hours total. Eventually I also got a portable dryer, which needed to be vented, but I just put a nylon stocking over the vent to contain the lint and didn’t run it during high outdoor temperatures. That’s the setup up I had for about four years and while I wouldn’t give up the laundry room I have in my home now, I still feel nostalgic for my laundry set up because the relief it gave me from laundry services and dirty public laundromats was amazing freeing.

      Sorry if I segued into the portable W/D setup that may not be feasible for you… I got carried away! So again, I recommend a drying rack, they are not expensive and work well, just be sure to flip or adjust things as needed to dry through and not get marks from the rack rods.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Anything that minimizes contact and/or people getting together in the same place is helpful.

      So laundry delivery, especially contactless dropoff, is going to be safer for you and for the workers and other patrons, than going to do laundry in person. I don’t know what their folding system is like, but presumably it’s going from the hot dryer into a bag relatively quickly, with only one person touching it.

      There are no recorded instances of anyone contracting the virus from packaging or other items, but if that’s a concern for you, the laundry is going to be much lower risk than items on a shop shelf that have been handled or possibly sneezed on by multiple people.

      Altogether, it seems like a very good option if you can afford it.

  33. anon for this*

    It’s petty of me but I feel like the pandemic is ruining my chances of ever finding someone to settle down with. I prefer dating women, but I live in a place where we wouldn’t be able to legally marry, so I don’t date women anymore.

    I have a hard time in the local dating market as it is because I’m mixed race (considered good enough for fun but not for anything serious) and over thirty, when most men my age are aiming for women 7-10 years younger than them.

    I hate online dating, which I’ve been doing for the past year, because so many men want girlfriend-level ongoing emotional support before we even meet and I don’t want to invest like that until we’ve met and I’ve verified attraction. I had planned that this was the year I’d really put myself out there actively, go to singles mixers, go to matchmaking services, and get this stupid thing over with, but now all of that is off the table thanks to the stupid pandemic.

    2. matcha123*

      Hello mixed person!
      Are you open to moving out of your area?
      I am in my mid-30s and well, I haven’t really considered that I’d be too “old” for men my own age? Really I am pretty picky?, but I know that that will make it harder for me to find a partner…plus I never thought that I would get married or have a partner, so I feel prepared.
      I don’t know how helpful that is, but, if you are secure in yourself then you can hold out. I know a lot of guys would see me as a fun ####, but i filter them out and concentrate on things that I enjoy.

      1. anon for this*

        I live in the biggest and most diverse city in my country, so I think moving would make things worse (I’ve found from experience that being in locations with fewer mixed race people invites more scrutiny and criticism of my generally existing).

        I’ve generally expected since I was a teenager that I probably wouldn’t get married for various emotional reasons, and a lot of them are still valid now that I’m older–I’m just so tired of doing everything myself all the time and wish I had a partner to split the load with or pick up some slack sometime. But of course, screening for a roommate is even harder than trying to find a partner!

        1. Black Horse Dancing*

          I’m confused. If you don’t plan on marrying anyway, why not date a woman?

      2. AcademiaNut*

        There’s a subset of guys who, when they hit their mid to late 30s, decide that they’re ready to settle down and have a family, and then go after women ten years younger, who still have enough fertile years left to have a couple of kids.

        1. matcha123*

          Hmm…I suppose that’s true, but I guess none of those guys would have been interested in me in the first place. And when I was in my late teens and early 20s and approached by men in their 40s and above, they all seemed to be creepy and the type of guys that expected to impress young, ‘dumb’ girls.
          They usually said things like how women ‘these days’ don’t know how to treat a man, disparaged ‘hook-up culture’ and some things about how ‘American’ women were crap (they often assumed I was a foreigner).

          So, I guess I can understand, maybe, the frustration, but a man who is going to go after someone more than 10 years younger is not someone I’d want to partner with.
          Plus, their fertility is also suspect….and I don’t want kids, either…

        2. Lonely Aussie*

          or because the women their own age aren’t going to put up with their crap. So many of my girlfriends in their early/mid twenties were getting with older men who treated them like crap because they lacked the life experience to realize that good relationships don’t work like that.

    3. lazy intellectual*

      omg same here. I had been inactive in the dating scene for the past couple of years due because I was too preoccupied with other stressors in my life (finding a place to live, finding a new job, etc.). This year was the first time a bunch of free time and energy was freed up for me to dedicate to dating, going to social events, etc, aaaand now this.

    4. P peace*

      There is someone out there for everyone. All of us. Keep doing what you can. You are doing it right, by the way, on the point of being careful.

    5. P peace*

      There is someone out there for everyone. All of us. Keep doing what you can. You are doing it right, by the way, on the point of being careful.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Pandemics never last.
      Plan what you want to do after the pandemic. Making a list might help.
      Think “delay”, not “cancellation”.
      Sending you good thoughts!

      1. anon for this*

        A lot of what I’m reading predicts that it will be over a year before we can live “normally” again. It’s hard not to feel like that’s valuable time slipping away from me. I went to a matchmaking consultant at the start of the year and they warned me that at my age (31) my range of choices is narrowing, and will continue to do so.

        1. Bob*

          I…suspect from some of your comments youre in a part of the world where age is a huge factor in this. Which sucks. For many of us in the ‘Western’ world, being single or dating in your 30s and 40s isnt that unusual. You can find websites geared towards specific age ranges, and that particular piece of advice would be considered very out of date.

          For you and where you are though – its hard to tell. But you have my sympathies either way. Personally I would continue online dating but be even more vigilant about the rules you’ve already put in place i.e. no emotional support until you get to meet them. I’d just focus on using this as an extended get-to-know-you period, maybe some virtual dates if you really want.

          But once this is all over, by all means put yourself out there. But try not to beat yourself up if you dont find anyone either, I feel you on how frustrating it is always having to do everything alone, but I always say I’d rather be (mostly) happy alone than miserable and partnered.

        2. Generic Name*

          I know it feels hopeless. I started online dating at 38 after my divorce. I have a teenage son. I feel like the cards were stacked against me given my age and the perceived baggage. I met my amazing fiancé online. He’s my age, never married & no kids, and he loves my son as his own. I hear you on the men your age wanting younger women, but there are men out there who don’t want that. I promise you, there is someone out there for you.

    7. Traffic_Spiral*

      Honestly, if you prefer women and aren’t making progress with men… why stick to men? Ok, so it’s not legal *now* but it might be legal a few years later, or you could move somewhere else, or figure out some sort of civil union in your home country. I mean, since your dance card isn’t exactly booked up at the moment, why narrow your options?

    8. Sam I Am*

      Sounds like you’re working on it but have to pause due to the pandemic. Everyone else has to as well, so you aren’t missing anything, if that makes sense? Everyone is in the same boat?

      Once you’re able to socialize again, in addition to the effort you’ll be putting in to finding the right partner for you, put in the effort to live the life you want to live. I know, you want a life with a partner, but… a great thought experiment is “If I knew that I would find the perfect partner ten years from now, what would I do in the mean time?” Make sure you’re putting equal effort into those things as you do finding a partner, and you will not look back with regret, come what may. You’ll be giving YOURSELF that “girlfriend-level support” in the mean time, doing what’s important to you.

      Good luck!

  34. CoffeeforLife*

    I’m officially out of dinner ideas. I don’t mind that I’m the default cook, but I *hate* that I’m the menu planner. Yes, this has led to many, many arguments and his answer is he would rather eat cold, canned soup than talk food planning. I do not want canned soup be it hot or cold, thus I plan dinner.

    Please help. Food ideas and recipe links greatly appreciated.

    1. Beancat*

      Ooooh I love cooking but also hate being our primary meal planner. Before I throw anything your way, are there any limitations? I just made something tasty last night for example but it required a lot of prep and might not be feasible for people who are busy.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I don’t eat beef but everything else goes! I made a pork Wellington (Alton Brown’s, but changed out the filling) that looks fussy but pretty easy.

        1. Beancat*

          Oooh! Last night I made a chicken kiev that might be good.

          https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/236703/chef-johns-chicken-kiev/

          The basic outline is that you’re going to mush garlic and salt into a paste, mush butter and parsley into it, and then refrigerate it. You’ll then put the butter roll into flattened chicken filets and roll them tight, then freeze them to help them solidify. After they do, you’ll roll them in flour, egg, and panko. Fry for a minute or two, then bake, and enjoy! :)

          1. CoffeeforLife*

            Sounds yummy! I like a lot of chef John’s recipes- his meat sauce/lasagna is really good (I sub out the ground beef for a different meat)

        2. HQB*

          Some ideas:

          The New York Times has a dish called Western Beef and Rice that’s excellent with any ground meat, not just beef.

          Pad thai

          Stir fry and rice

          Roast chicken, then chicken salad or chicken tacos with leftovers the next day, then simmer the carcass and make chicken vegetable soup (rice or noodles optional) the third day.

          White chili made with turkey or chicken

          Keto taco casserole

          Croques monsieurs

          Jamie Oliver’s chicken in milk

          Chicken kiev or chicken piccata

          Oven-roasted meat + veggie kebabs

          Sheet pan sausage and veggies

          1. HQB*

            And I just realized you may be looking more for meal planning approaches than for recipes (although I will add quiche, Indian butter chicken, an easy curry, breakfast burritos, and Mark Bittman’s customizable soups). In that case, I would make a long list of meals, one per index card, that you like. Then go through to pick the next X meals based on however you usually do meal-planning (e.g.
            with overlapping ingredient lists if you are trying to meal plan based on using up ingredients or leftovers, or maximizing variety, etc.).

            In terms of finding variety, you might want to think about what you ate before lockdown. Not what you cooked, but what you eat – did you get tacos or BBQ for lunch from a food truck? Track down some taco or BBQ recipes that look similar. Did you go out for Sichuan food once a week? Look up some easy Sichuan stir fries.

            If you have room in your freezer, you can cook double batches and then freeze them. When you have 7 dinners in your freezer, take a week off of meal planning and just eat the frozen meals.

            And regarding the boyfriend issue – have you explicitly told him you understand that *for himself* he would rather eat canned soup than planned meals, but you are asking for his help as a *favor to you*? If that helps, great; if not, is that kind of selfishness something you see other places in the relationship, where he helps you or does something for you only if it’s something he would do for himself anyway?

    2. Fikly*

      I haven’t tried this (I’m the kind of person who eats the same thing, every day) but a lot of the services that send ingredients that you cook into a meal have rotating meals every week or month, and lots of different options.

      Maybe you could browse their websites and get some inspiration there, and then make your own versions?

    3. Hotdog not dog*

      I did a full inventory of my freezer and pantry and made a list of dinners and sides that could be made with what we had. It is now my family’s responsibility to tell me what they want for dinner. If they don’t, they simply get the next item on the list. That’s how we ended up with hot dogs and rice a roni last night!

      3. Sam I Am*

        Sounds like some work to organize up front but also sounds like it eliminates loads of emotional labor down the line. Great idea.

    4. AnotherDefaultCook*

      What I did is typed up a list of all the meals we both like well enough for me to make. Once I got them all on paper, I arranged them by categories: beef, chicken, seafood, vegetarian, pasta, other. Whatever categories make sense for you.

      Now when I go to meal plan I can just look at that list and pick.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I’ve been keeping a list of our meals and bookmarking recipes but I think the mental load of being responsible for all the meals all the time is just getting to me. It’s small, but why do I have the burden of deciding what everyone eats, and then fretting if they like it/it hits the spot, etc.. I have a difficult time detaching emotions from meals because its part of my need to nurture. Blerg.

        1. PX*

          Ooof. On this, I might try working on detaching a bit more. Not sure how many you are cooking for and if they are fussy eaters but one common approach I’ve seen is that if the other person has no interest in contributing to the work, they don’t get to comment on the end result. Basically the only thing they get to say is “thank you for cooking” and doing the washing up.

          That way if you aren’t in the mood to cook, he can eat his cold tinned soup and you can eat whatever snack/cheat food you enjoy?

        2. Generic Name*

          What if you gave yourself permission to only cook foods you like and want to eat? I mean can your husband really complain about what you cook if he won’t tell you what he wants to eat? Seems fair to me. But honestly, as I said below, maybe him eating nothing but cold soup for a while will make him suddenly be able to come up with meals he’d like to eat.

          1. Ali G*

            I second this. I am the sole meal planner/prepper too and it does get annoying when my husband can’t even spend 10 minutes to tell me something he would want to eat for dinner this week.
            One thing I do is plan “fend for yourself nights.” There is usually enough leftovers around so I plan to not cook or do anything 1-2 times per week. I tell my husband ahead of time which days those will be (I had a HUGE thing at work this past Tuesday, so I cooked Sunday and Monday and Tuesday were FFYN). It gives me a couple nights where I don’t have to worry what we are eating and when.
            It’s OK to take a break! No one is going to starve.

          2. Hi there*

            This frees me up when I do it, too. If your audience is unappreciative, why not eat all your favorite foods? Also, easy foods for the win these days. In case it helps here is what we have planned for dinners so far this week:

            Sunday—lasagna
            Monday—burgers and tots (The adults are having veggie burgers I made today)
            Tuesday—pancakes, fruit, and bacon
            Wednesday—grilled chicken and spinach salad (weather permitting) or split pea soup from freezer, ham on the side, and rosemary focaccia
            Thursday—pizza takeout (usually this is Friday but our place is so busy we switched days)
            Friday—wedding anniversary so leaving it a bit up in the air.

      2. schnauzerfan*

        We do something similar. We have a recipe notebook, everything in the notebook everyone in the house will eat. When we are in our normal buy for the next 14 days or so mode we pull out recipes for that many meals and make sure we have the ingredients. Then we just grab a recipe and “tonight it’s the chicken” If someone doesn’t want chicken they should say so before preparations begin and be prepared to fix whatever it is they do want, or to order the pizza.

        It’s tougher now because one can end up with shortages or surpluses, and takeout is less optimal, but it works for us.

        A lot of our meals are crock pots or or otherwise fix ahead.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      This isn’t new food ideas, but is a way to minimize effort on meal planning at least, after an initial effort outlay.

      I did what I call the “Deck of Dinners” – we’re all gamers in my house, so I gamified my meal planning. :) Took a stack of index cards and wrote a meal on each one, as well as a basic ingredient list for each – not the full recipe, just a general list – I used to do things like “Oh, I’ll make sloppy joes for Wednesday,” and then forget to buy buns because I don’t eat my sloppy joes on buns (I put the meat mixture on tater tots!), so now the sloppy joes card includes the buns in its ingredient list. I basically left the stack of cards on the table for a week and every time something came to mind, went over and wrote down (at least a title). I believe I also asked my friends on Facebook what their most commonly made dinners were and snagged a few of those. I ended up with about 30 cards, plus one that says “order pizza” and one that says “heat up a frozen meal”. A couple of them are things like “soup and sandwiches” or “breakfast for dinner” too, they’re not all big involved productions :)

      I’ve fallen off it a bit now because of pandemic and shopping limitations, but in normal times, every Saturday morning, I pull (or have my boys pull) 3-5 cards at random from the deck, and then arrange them for the week to fit our schedule. If something just doesn’t fit or appeal, I can put it back and draw something else, or if I want to try something new, I can work it in manually and draw fewer cards. Then I use the ingredient lists to make my shopping list, though I shop my cupboards first and have a specific space to which I move canned/pantry goods that will be used that week (like, say, the can of Manwich for the sloppy joes). Then anything I don’t already have gets added to the shopping list. (The menu schedule goes on a whiteboard in my kitchen which also includes things like, on Tuesday, take out a pound of ground beef from the freezer to defrost for the sloppy joes on Wednesday.)

      I keep them in a plastic card organizer in my kitchen – after I pull a week’s batch, those cards go into a separate section of the organizer and don’t get shuffled back into the deck to potentially be pulled again until after I pull the following week’s batch, if that makes sense. That way, in theory, we would never have one meal twice within a two week time frame unless we do it on purpose. (Which does happen, my boys like sloppy joes and sketti pie, and I indulge them because both are damn easy to make :) )

      Sketti pie: cook about half a pound of spaghetti, broken in half, per package instructions. Toss it with two beaten eggs and most of a bag of shredded Italian blend cheese. Mix in some garlic and Italian seasoning. (I’ve also mixed in pesto, pepperoni/other pizza toppings, whatever sounds good.) Put in a 8×8 baking dish, top with the rest of the cheese, and bake at 350 for about 20 minutes. Good plain or with sauce. Makes pretty good leftovers and doubles easily, but doesn’t freeze and reheat quite as well as one might expect it to. Also a good use for leftover pasta, and it doesn’t have to be spaghetti, I’ve done this with other types of pasta as well.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I love the idea of gamifying the meal-planning! I’ve wanted an app that would do that for me, but while there are lots of meal-planning programs out there, I haven’t seen any that have the right mix of tweakable-random/colorful-images/easy-to-use that I’m looking for. [Hmmm… a new project to tackle during shelter-at-home, and another way to put off all the to-do items I’ve been neglecting! Win-win!]

        Semi-seriously: I’m attracted to the “eat the rainbow” images out there, showing colorful fruits and veggies (and sometimes including meats) in rainbow configurations, very appealing and tempting. I wanted to find a way to incorporate that into the random meal-planning. But looking at what I actually *do*, I find that I make a big batch of a single-dish item – soup, casserole, stew, roast, whatever – and then eat that for two or three meals in a row, freezing any excess for later. Last night I ate leftover elbow-macaroni-with-butter-and-pepper-and-salt, which was very tasty, I enjoyed it – but it’s beige and veggie-free and not the sort of thing I’d have put on a random-meal-generator app. [The day before, I had roasted cauliflower with curry and red pepper flakes, which was all-veggie and very tasty, so over the course of a week my diet balances out, kinda-sorta. Still, I’m thinking I wouldn’t really use a balanced-meal planner…]

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I actually got the idea as a way to streamline the grocery shopping part of things. Before, I was just winging it, which in theory meant I could shop what was on sale but in reality meant I was just buying whatever sounded good, and I grocery shop in the mornings and pick up lunch on my way home, that’s my Saturday routine. And then I would end up going “Oh, diced tomatoes are on sale, I should pick up a couple cans, it’s not like they’ll go bad and I use them a lot,” and then get home going “Dammit, I forgot the buns, and WHY DO I HAVE TWO DOZEN CANS OF DICED TOMATOES IN HERE??” And the culmination was when I cleaned out my food storage and ended up throwing out literally four garbage bags of stuff that I’d bought because “I use it a lot” that just got shoved to the back of the storage shelves or stashed in the garage and forgotten about until it was literally years out of date. Like, “this cake mix is the store brand for a store that I haven’t shopped at since before we moved into this house in 2015” kind of thing. It was really kind of embarrassing and I was super mad at myself.

          So planning a strict menu, shopping to fit the menu, and ONLY shopping off the list keeps my pantry stash and my grocery budget under way better control than they used to be.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I so very much understand what you are saying. I have about ten cans of lentils and NO plan to use them up. sigh. And this is not the first, nor the second time this has happened. I always think of the expression, “It’s not a bargain if you do not use it.”

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Husband regularly goes “Well, at least you’re better than your dad.” Though dad’s thing is more that he likes to buy cheap or free things, whether or not anyone wants to use them, and then he insists on using them, whether or not they are actually useable. He once bought a bag of oranges that were in the produce clearance section. Peeled the first one and took a bite, and announced that this was the worst orange he’d ever eaten. Turns out they were mislabeled Meyer Lemons. He ate them. All. Plain. So’s to not waste the money he spent on them. (My mom offered to find a recipe and make lemon bars or something actually edible, but at that point he was all PRINCIPLE!!! and she just rolled her eyes at him.)

              When my parents moved 5 years ago, my mom told my dad that no, he was absolutely NOT moving the venison they found stashed in the bottom corner of the giant chest freezer at the old house to the freezer at the new house. He was ticked, because such a waste!! The venison came from a deer that died in our backyard (which is a whole STORY, because we lived in the middle of a subdivision in suburbia*). When I was 13. I turned 35 the year they moved.

              *Short version: We never did figure out why he was in suburbia at all, but neighbor saw him on our front yard and scared him into our backyard, which was fenced on three sides. He, being a 12-point buck, ducked his head to keep his antlers out of the apple tree branches and crashed headlong into the fencepost that was behind the trees. Bent the fence post over almost to the ground. So my folks got woken up at 7am by the neighbor banging on their front door and informing them that they probably wanted to call the DNR to come out and issue them a roadkill tag for the deer that had just broken his neck in the backyard, and if we didn’t want the antlers let him know.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I so understand what this is…. I have seen it before. Maybe our parents are distantly related? (joking) lol. I can feel this weakness in my genes. And this is why I see your system as being of high value (at least to me). In my early years on my own, I taught myself to make everything into a numbers game. Slowly, I got the hang of how many rolls of paper towels and tp, etc. we’d use per week. What I did not rope in was the “new stuff I will try some day”.
                Currently, I have been trying to figure out where I could create a space to put these things to try so they do not get buried in the back of the cupboard. Progress is slow.

                Twelve pointer, eh? wow. I bet hunters were totally green with envy. Around here if there is a 12 pointer, everyone who hunts knows about the animal, they all tell each other and talk about it. Personally, I don’t have much interest in hunting, but I do know this is a big deal.

          2. it's time*

            HA HA HA I finally put away all the groceries that were lying around in the kitchen still in bags and I had over 30 cans of oranges because at some point in the last year I only had 1 can when I needed 2 and apparently I’ve been buying them on sale every time ever since!

            I also organized one cupboard which includes my spices because I could never find some of them. The oldest thing I threw out had a BB date of 2003. We moved into this house in 2004. On the plus side, I’m a packrat/borderline hoarder and it was a good easy win on getting rid of stuff, so that should carry over as I throw away more and more non kitchen things.

            Also all the sympathy in the world about the meal planning. I hate it and I don’t enjoy cooking and no one else does it. Few things make me more rage filled than someone asking what’s for dinner (especially if that someone has been home/watching TV all day and I have been out/busy) or people walking up and saying ANYTHING while I am cooking. Objectively, I suppose it’s reasonable for them to want to know what I’m making but I don’t care if you want to know what’s cooking THEN COOK SOMETHING!!!!

      3. Avasarala*

        Oh this is great!
        We do something similar but with popsicle sticks. Different recipe ideas on a stick in a magnetic box attached to the white board. Pull out a stick and pop it on that day of the week. The recipes are saved in a group chat on our phones.

    7. Natalie*

      Maybe this wouldn’t help, since you’d still have to plan dinner for yourself, but what if you ate different dinners? He can eat soup (hot or cold, his call) and you can eat whatever you feel like making, without having to take his diet into account at all. Sometimes I found that part of solo meal planning to be the most taxing.

    8. Jdc*

      Also hate this. Perhaps my planned menu this week could help. Tonight is meatball subs and I have leftovers from spaghetti night.

      Tomorrow is taco bar.
      Monday will be chicken piccata.
      Tuesday something Italian
      Wednesday home made pizza
      Thursday pork chops with veggies
      Friday is date night so steaks.

      1. Kathenus*

        Wow, I want to become your friend so you invite me over for dinner! I’m envious of your dinner week!

        1. JDC*

          Aww thanks. I enjoy cooking although am running out of steam lately. Luckily steak nigh is husband cooking.

    9. Kathenus*

      I’m not a big cook, but I do really well with ‘doctoring’ pre-made stuff into really good meals. A few favorite, easy meal ideas below:
      – Pasta alfredo – I use jarred sauce, add black and green olives, artichoke hearts, broccoli, and chicken (or any combo of these that I have at home)
      – Spaghetti and meat sauce – jarred sauce, add black and green olives, artichoke hearts, browned ground beef
      – Shepherd’s pie – can of mixed veggies, jar of gravy, browned ground beef, Worcestershire sauce (or other preferred seasoning) – mix together in casserole dish, heat and eat mashed potatoes from the store, heat and then spread over the mixture with a spatula, sprinkle shredded cheese on top, bake until hot. Can also do this with shredded chicken and chicken gravy for a change of pace
      – Baked chicken – I bake chicken in a pyrex/corning container and use chicken broth in the bottom – makes for really juicy chicken. Also I love tarragon, so using tarragon as a seasoning for baked chicken takes it up to a higher level for me
      – Scrambled eggs with stuff – I can’t make an omelet to save my life, but I love doing basic scrambled eggs with various stuff tossed in. An unusual favorite for me that I came upon – sugar snap peas, black olives, cheese and if I have pre-cooked sausage crumbles in the freezer some of those
      – English muffin pizza – split and toast an English muffin, then add pizza sauce, shredded mozzarella, and any other desired toppings, and bake
      – Tuna melt – tuna salad however you prefer (mine is pretty simple, dill relish, celery, onion, and sometimes a little lite mayo) – on a toasted English muffin, topped with a slice of cheddar
      – Nachos – dice up veggies/toppings (I tend to use carrots, sugar snap peas, black and/or green olives, tomato), sometimes adding ground beef or chicken, but more often than not just the veggies. Take an oven safe plate, put a layer of chips, the diced toppings, shredded cheese, and then another layer of chips/toppings/cheese, and bake for about 7-8 minutes. Serve with salsa, sour cream and diced avocado or guacamole – makes a great dinner. I did this for each person for a small Super Bowl party with neighbors and they loved it.

    10. Elf*

      I’ve found the NY Times Five Weeknight Dishes newsletter to be amazing for that. I’ve gotten a lot of new recipes over the last 1.5 years I’ve been reading it (I never cook all five of their recipes, but having ~2 ideas a week taken care of makes a giant difference). I don’t look at it so much now, because after this long its gotten a touch repetitive, but I’m still using the recipes, I just saved them onto my computer as I used them in folders labelled with the protein source.

      Right now since everything is different I’m working from a list I put together of all the meals we have stuff for in the house, since I’m trying to use stuff up/not shop plus shortages.

      Tell me what you have in your house and I might have some good recipes

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Thanks! Does the NYTimes newsletter come with the subscription? He has one for the paper (online).

        For proteins we have loads of beans, chicken breast, thighs, thick pork chops, ground chicken/pork, pork tenderloin, pork shoulder, sausage, bacon, shrimp, salmon…

        Veggies are frozen: kale, spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, peas, corn, green beans, butternut squash, cauliflower rice

        Fresh: onions, garlic, cabbage, potatoes, fennel, celery, carrots, asparagus, cilantro, parsley

        Lots of canned tomatoes, rice, pasta

    11. Ali G*

      Here’s my easy turkey meatloaf:
      1/2 of a medium zuke grated
      1/4 of white or yellow onion, grated (liquid too)
      1 egg
      ~1/4 cup no sugar added ketchup, divided
      salt, pepper, oregano, other seasonings you like/have on hand
      1-1.5 lb ground turkey
      Almond flour (or any flour you use)

      Grate the zuke and onion into a small bowl. Add egg, a TB or so of ketchup and seasonings you like. Mix until uniform. Put the turkey in a large bowl and season with salt, pepper, and other seasoning. Add in egg mixture, and mix with your hands to combine. Add flour a small handful at a time, just until the meat is tacky and slightly firm (usually about 1/4 cup or so).
      Make a freeform loaf on a backing sheet lined with parchment, top with remaining ketchup and cook at 400 for 30-40 minutes until the internal temp reaches 165.

      It’s easy and will feed you more than once!

    12. Mimosa Jones*

      You could try a cycle menu where you plan meals for 2-3 weeks and then start the whole thing over again when you get to the end. It would take some time upfront but then you’re set until you’re sick of it. And that could be a good while if you make it long enough and include space for variety. You could plan it around how long you can go between shops and what you’re likely to find and take advantage of shared ingredients. There’s also paid menu planning services like CookSmarts and free ones like Cool Mom Eats (on hiatus due to Covid, but the archives are good.)

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes, I was going to recommend this as well. I’ve taught several classes on meal planning and recently started consulting with friends to help them meal plan during this weird time — I recently built a four-week super-simple plan for a friend who now never has to meal plan ever again if she doesn’t want to. Since most of us default to the same 10ish meals, having four full weeks of different meals is going to feel like variety rather than repetition.

    13. Katefish*

      Women’s Day used to have a month of menus, including recipes/shopping lists. Looks like they’re not doing it anymore, but a quick Google pulled a bunch of archives.

    14. Stephanie*

      I feel you. I HATE being the menu planner, too. It was really hard when my kids were young. I ended up sitting down with my husband and kids and making a list of dinners (just the main dish) that we like. We managed to come up with a lot more choices than I expected. I stuck the list on the fridge, and if I was feeling stuck (or resentful) coming up with dinner ideas, I would just pick something from the list that sounded good to me. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start. Now that the kids are older (18 and 21), it’s a little easier.
      For recipes, I found the “Desperation Dinners” and “Cheap, Fast, Good” cookbooks to be very helpful. (They’re not new, but were still available on Amazon around Christmas time.)

    15. GoryDetails*

      I recommend the BudgetBytes site – good recipes, and recently there are posts about things to make from common pantry items, which could be helpful. (Well, helpful in planning meals, if not in dealing with your planner-averse partner!)

    17. Still*

      I can’t help but wonder if he’d actually be fine with cold canned soup seven days a week? Or if he just knows that you’d rather plan the meals yourself than call his bluff.

      I’d absolutely recommend a meal subscription – it’s all the fun of cooking without any effort of planning or shopping. Or if it’s not your kind of thing, you can browse a ton of their recipes online without subscribing!

      For a solid satisfying dinner, have you heard of Roberto the soup? It’s delicious, easy to make and you can substitute pretty much any and all ingredients and it’s still delicious. Works with rice or pasta as well!

    18. fposte*

      Do you have cookbooks, bookmarks, etc.? I think I heard about eatyourbooks dot com here, and I absolutely love it. You buy an annual subscription ($39.95, maybe?) to a crowdsourced effort that indexes about 10,000 books plus other materials by recipe name, kind, and ingredients. Then you customize to include the books you own or other relevant sources in your own library. That means I can search by what ingredients I need to use up, filter for the kinds of dishes I’ll actually eat, and note whether I liked it enough to do it again.

      One of my indexed books is Mark Bittman’s Kitchen Express, which I especially recommend for quick and seasonal ideas. Come summer I really don’t want to simmer a stew (even if I had an instant pot, I don’t think I’d want to eat one, either).

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Seconding this. Buy some cookbooks and start experimenting. Something else I do is see a random meat or veggie at the store that catches my eye, take out my phone and google “[food name]” recipes until something looks good.

    19. Pharmgirl*

      If you’re not up for springing for a meal kit, there at meal planning subscriptions you can sign up for that are more cost effective – so you still need to buy ingredients, but substitutions are easier. I’ve used both Cooksmarts and SweetPeas Meals in the past and enjoyed both, and I saved enough of the recipes to not need to continue to subscribe . I believe they both offer free sample menus to try, but there are probably lots of similar services.

    20. Alex*

      I love meal planning! But if you don’t like it, there are plenty of websites that do a “week’s meal plan” or some such thing. I’m a fan of skinnytaste dot com, not necessarily for meal planning, but she does do meal planning.

      Sometimes I just like to browse recipe sites and look for ideas, either by ingredient or by meal type.

      Some things I’ve made recently:
      Vegetable lasagna
      Fried rice
      baked tofu over rice with mango salsa and cabbage slaw
      Grilled (in my grill pan) chicken thighs marinated in olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, salt, pepper, and paprika, with roasted sweet potatoes and roasted asparagus
      Vegetarian chili
      Patty melts with a side of steamed broccoli
      grilled cheese sandwiches with homemade tomato soup
      cabbage and sausage casserole (shredded cabbage, diced tomatoes, sausage, rice, cheese) (can make with veggie or turkey sausage)
      baked salmon with lemon, with baked potatoes and roasted vegetables
      stir fried tofu and vegetables over rice noodles
      Coconut curried tempeh and vegetables with coconut rice
      broccoli cheese potato soup
      Homemade version of hamburger helper (the cheeseburger macaroni kind) (Can make with ground turkey)

    21. Trixie*

      You might look at FlavCity with Bobby Parrish on Youtube. He leans organic paleo but his recipes are easily tweaked. His videos include everything from healthy shopping or best frozen foods at Aldi’s, Costco, etc to making recipes in his kitchen. Recently, he’s been sharing been sharing recipes in advance so viewers can prepare with him and I think that’s fun.

      When I reread your question, what if 2 nights a week you’re both on your own or he picks up takeout? I would be frustrated too if my partner just opted out and didn’t contribute something other than eating what I’ve prepared.

    22. lazy intellectual*

      I live on my own and I hate meal planning. I’ve been using the meal kit services (Hello Fresh, Blue Apron, etc.) and really like them! It’s more expensive than groceries, but less expensive than ordering takeout all the time (which was my default for dealing with meal planning fatigue.) Honestly, if you can afford it, it’s worth it for the convenience. The recipes are yummy, too! Another technique I use is I keep a running list of my favorite dishes and recipes, and just choose one at random to prepare for the week. I still have to go to the store and buy the ingredients if I don’t have them, but it’s one less step.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Also, buy some prepared food from the grocery stores. (Like ravioli, pre-seasoned meats, etc., pre-cut veggies, etc) I’ve long given up on the “I have to buy the rawest version of stuff and make everything from scratch. Sometimes it’s worth cutting down on cooking time.

    23. Generic Name*

      Well that’s really sucky of your husband. What if you plan and cook meals that you like for yourself and he can eat cold canned soup? I mean, you continuing to do all the hard work while he does nothing is the perfect solution for him.

      But to answer your question, I have a onenote notebook where I keep all my recipes, and when I’m out of ideas, I’ll scroll through that. The New York Times recipes have interesting ideas, but I find a lot of them overly complicated, so I usually end up modifying them.

    24. Purt’s Peas*

      Ok—he wants to do zero work, whether that means you do 100% or whether you do zero as well. If he wants to give an ultimatum, then that gives you a peculiar freedom to take him seriously.

      You want to do less than 100% of the work for planning 2+ person meals, and he’s ok eating cold soup, so he can pick up a few cans for himself on his way home from work. If you have kids, they won’t be hurt by a Dad night or two of gross soup; if you don’t, you can make just your own food.

      If this feels nuclear it’s because he’s made a nuclear power play. And making power plays, nuclear or not, though I know it happens, is baldly inappropriate in a marriage or a family.

    25. CoffeeforLife*

      Thank you all for the suggestions. I find that I spend quite a bit of time researching recipes, reading comments, looking at other versions of recipes and then possibly marrying them. I put a ton of effort into it and I’m exhausted. Just tell me, tonight in want X. I can do X, I can figure it out but with no starting point I feel like I’m swimming in the ocean of possibilities. Even the suggestions of looking at different recipe sites is like treading water in a different pool.

      I am going to try to recipe cards suggestion. I like having something tangible rather than all my digital bookmarks!

      1. Hi there*

        I hope that works for you! I have a dinner notebook that organizes family favorites by category (Turkey, chicken, veggie, soup, fish, and salad). When I am out of ideas I review the notebook and sees what strikes me (or, these days, which ingredients we mostly have). I printed out my favorites even though I could find them online.

      2. it's time*

        And remember you don’t have to make a big project out of it before you begin. You can start by writing down what you actually made for supper without going into a ton of research of other possible options, and in a little while you will have a list of options.

    26. Koala dreams*

      I have a few food ideas for when I’m tired: omelette, grilled sandwiches, oats, lentil soap with whatever vegetables is available.
      If he prefers canned soup, and it’s just the two of you, you can just do a plate of omelette/oats/a sandwich for yourself and then you eat together. Lentil soup can be frozen divided into servings in glass jars or plastic boxes. I’m eating a re-heated bowl of lentil soup today, actually. Maybe you can both eat the soup, even?

      Are there other household members? They can help suggest food. Children often have favourite foods, so maybe let any children get their favourite one day a week. Elderly people often like traditional food, to remember their youth, so you can ask any elderly family members what they used to eat when they were young.
      Good luck! Food planning is a lot of work, take it easy on yourself.

    27. Cat Furniture*

      This looks a lot more complicated than it is. What takes the longest is measuring out the spices. Easy to adjust to your taste. My friend soaks the chicken in lime juice overnight, then sprinkles the spices on and grills the chicken. The spice amounts below cover about 4 breasts for me, so YMMV.

      Garlic Lime Chicken
      Serves 6

      3/4 teaspoon salt
      1/4 teaspoon black pepper
      1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (can be omitted)
      1/8 teaspoon paprika
      1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
      1/4 teaspoon onion powder
      1/4 teaspoon thyme
      1/4 teaspoon dried parsley
      6 boneless skinless chicken breasts
      2 tablespoons butter
      1 tablespoon olive oil
      2 teaspoons garlic powder
      3 tablespoons lime juice

      In a small bowl, mix together all seasonings, except the last measurement
      of garlic powder and lime juice.

      Dredge chicken breasts in seasoning mix on both sides.

      Heat butter and oil in a large skillet over medium heat and saute chicken
      until golden brown, about ten minutes on each side (more if they are thick). Sprinkle with remaining garlic powder and lime juice and cook 5 minutes (longer if you want a little more lime flavor) stirring frequently to coat evenly with the sauce. Serve.

      Per Serving: 320 Calories; 9g Fat (26.4% calories from fat); 55g Protein;
      2g Carbohydrate; trace Dietary Fiber; 147mg Cholesterol; 460mg Sodium.
      Exchanges: 0 Grain (Starch); 7 1/2 Lean Meat; 0 Fruit; 1 Fat.

      SERVING SUGGESTIONS: Serve with rice, sauteed baby carrots, steamed
      broccoli and a big salad. I like the steamed squash & summer veggies, also. We also do the stir fry veggies a lot with this.

      NOTES:
      I mixed up about 4-5 times the seasoning portion (first 8 ingredients) of the recipe and put it in a little shaker jar. Now, all I have to do is sprinkle my chicken with the seasoning mix, and the seasoning goes a lot farther! Saves me time, too. :) Also, what the recipe says covers 6 pieces only covers 3-4 pieces for me. I have gotten to the point to where I just throw enough lime juice to where the chicken cooks in it good – maybe a quarter inch deep – I don’t even measure it any more. Once I get the chicken going, I have time to do the side items and turn the chicken several times (we tend to buy thick chicken breasts). Meal is ready in 30 minutes or less, start to finish.

    28. knead me seymour*

      This may be unhelpful because I realize I’m an outlier on this issue, but my strategy is to cook two main meals each weekend and eat them through the week. I’ve always done this and can’t fathom how much time it would take to plan, shop for and prepare a separate meal every day. If, unlike me, you appreciate variety, I suppose you could freeze some of the portions and have a freezer meal roulette routine going on. I also cook mostly vegetarian, which lends itself to batch cooking pretty well.

    29. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Ugh. Sympathy.

      We have a big spreadsheet called WHO LIKES DINNERS for which each of us was required to score each potential dinner out of 5 – 5 being Yum I Love This, 3 being Yeah Ok Fine and 1 being I Won’t Eat This. Each one is also classified by how much effort it is and what the main protein is. A few simple functions later, you tell it who’s home for dinner and how tired you are, and it’ll give you a list of suggestions that nobody will (dare) object to. Geek out.

      Everyone’s home every night at the moment so a few things simply aren’t getting made. But here’s the things I have made recently or will be making in the next few days, in case it helps:

      * Burmese pork curry/sticky rice/green beans
      * Fajitas
      * Hoisin chicken noodle stir fry
      * Pulled pork burgers with salad
      * Spaghetti and meatballs
      * Chicken and leek pot pie
      * Tacos (using turkey mince)
      * Roast ham with cauliflower cheese
      * Spanish chicken and chorizo traybake

      1. curly sue*

        I would LOVE to have a copy of or a template for this spreadsheet. That’s brilliant.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          It was born of severe frustration! I’m sure you could easily reproduce it for your own household.

          Off the top of my head the first columns are Meal, Cuisine (eg Italian, Mexican), Protein, Effort. The next columns are each family member’s raw scores for each meal. You could add a column for Carbs if you can’t get rice or feel like you’re always eating potatoes. You know what your priorities are – we track protein because we’re reducing our red meat intake.

          I use the MIN function to identify what the lowest score was, so on a normal day we don’t have things anybody hates – sorting by that column identifies the holy grail of meals that EVERYONE ACTIVELY LIKES. There’s then columns for different averages (eg everyone, everyone but fussy youngest child, just the adults). I had a column for when we last ate that meal, but that was slightly depressing so I deleted it!

          So I can use a combination of Sort and Filter to get a suitable longlist for each day or week without totally losing my mind.

          I’m sure there’s better ways of doing this, but it took under an hour to write and saved that much time within a fortnight.

          1. curly sue*

            I’m going to give this a try! I’m actively tracking my iron intake because I’m borderline anemic but we’ve had to reduce red meat b/c of hubby’s heart, but the kids hate the texture of beans, and and… etc. This looks like fun!

            When you mentioned “a few simple functions,” which functions were you talking about? I’m Excel-literate in that I know where the buttons are and can follow instructions, but I’m not Excel-proficient.

              1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

                Oh good – I genuinely mean stuff like AVERAGE and MIN and then a little sleight of hand with filters and sorting.

                I can do VLOOKUP and similar but this does not call for it :)

    30. Too old for this*

      Budget bytes. Google it. Life saver! I think there is a meal plan option. Loved every recipe we ever made except tempeh bowl!

      1. Double A*

        Second budget bytes! I would say at least half of our staples are from that website (and the other half are nachos).

        Also, I use the app paprika for saving recipes. It’s awesome. It also makes it super easy to add ingredients to shopping lists. They have a meal planning option but I don’t find it that useful. The app is like $5 and it’s the best $5 I’ve ever spent.

    31. Alexandra Lynch*

      I plan five weeks at a time.

      I make a table with column headers as follows: Date, Theme, Work Lunch, Home Lunch, Dinner. (Obviously, make the meals work for you.) The rows are the days of the week.
      Themes are things like “Italian” or “Mexican” or “breakfast for dinner” or “pizza” for the weekly pizza night. I assign themes to certain days of the week. So Monday is currently Italian, Tuesday is Chinese, Wednesday is “something more elaborate” because I have time and energy that day to do something interesting, Thursday is noodles, Friday is Mexican, Saturday is either Indian or Thai, and Sunday we have Breakfast For Dinner.
      Then I go down the dinner list and pencil in lightly “Beef, pork, chicken, seafood,” etc. This guides me. Because then I look at the first Monday and say, “Hm, beef, Italian. Beef Marsala. Second week might be chicken. Chicken piccata. And so on. Obviously one can do this with other people in the house.

      I have a list of things that warm up well at work and are civilized dishes to heat and eat in public, and so once I have the dinner menu set I set up what the two workers are taking to work. This is mainly so I don’t schedule gyros for dinner during the week that they are taking gyros to work for lunch. (Shoutout to the HotLogic heated lunch box. They put it in at nine when they get in and at 12 it’s warm and ready when they are.)
      Home lunch is sandwiches, and since no one is working out of the house right now, lunches have defaulted to the home lunch schedule. That inflexibly rotates week to week. Mondays are quesadillas, Tuesdays are burgers, Wednesday is chili and cornbread, Thursday is pulled pork, Fridays are “leftover cleanup” days, Saturdays are hot dogs, and Sunday is burritos.
      It helps me keep clean and orderly cabinets and shop more efficiently, because I know exactly how much hamburger I need for five weeks, and can take an afternoon each week to cut veggies and seal up things in marinade because I know just what I am going to use. And every evening I get out the meat for tomorrow and put it in the fridge.

      1. WithADeee*

        I also plan multiple weeks at once. I set up a four week menu plan, and at the end of that period we cycle back to the start. After about three cycles I change it up (usually coinciding with a change of season, so different produce being seasonally cheap/available, more warming foods for colder weather etc). Since doing that, the menu planning angst has disappeared and it is so much easier now. I factor in quicker meals or deliberately plan for leftovers on our busier nights. I find that four weeks is a good cycle length as it doesn’t get too repetitive. Finally, when I prep my four week plan, I build my base shopping list for each week (another task that always was a drag), which saves times ahead of the shop for each week. It takes about 30 mins every 3 months for menu planning now.

      2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Being able to say “Monday is Italian” is also helpful in these weird times when days of the week are less distinct.

    32. RagingADHD*

      EatingWell dot com has a free weekly menu plan called ThePrep. If you sign up for the email, you get the shopping list already done.

      They’re light meals, nutritionally balanced, and not too complicated. Tend toward a Mediterranean style of eating, but not exclusively those flavors.

      I like to use it when I’m bored or burnt out with meal planning.

    33. Overeducated*

      One strategy I like is one pot of beans + one homemade salsa + different carbs = 3 meals. Yesterday we had black beans with rice and mango pineapple salsa. Today we had black bean quesadillas with the salsa. I will chop and roast a butternut squash to combine with and use up the beans for tacos one of these weeknights. This only works if your family likes beans, but I’ve managed to convert my husband with good salsas that can be mixed in the food processor.

      I also make the weekly menu with “slots” so I only have to cook most weeknights. It looks like this.
      2-3 days, especially weekends : homemade slots, with at least one meal worth of leftovers
      1-2 days: leftover slot
      1 day: freezer or takeout meal slot
      1 day: super simple slot (e.g. pasta or quesadilla – I have a list to help me)
      1 day: husband cooks slot

    34. Amethystmoon*

      Do you have any cookbooks on hand? I’ve been going through mine and trying to check recipes off that I have not made before, but can do with ingredients I have.

    35. PhyllisB*

      I understand. I used to do most of the cooking, but now hubby does it. And I don’t mind coming up with dinner ideas, but I HATE when the minute I wake up, he’s like “What do you want for supper?” (We’re Southerners.) I have finally started asking him to let me have a cup of coffee first. I suppose I need to think the night before so I can give a suggestion in the a.m. I hope your hubby doesn’t complain about what you fix. If he does, then tell him if he’s not going to make suggestions, then he loses the privilege of complaining.

  35. Lifeisgood*

    Is anyone else doing very ok with their current situation? I feel bad because a lot of (most?) people seem to be struggling but I’m pretty much in my dream situation.

    I’m very much an introvert and would stay home and not interact with people anyway but this just gives me a reason to do so I’m still working so still getting paid but it’s from home so that’s good.

    I haven’t eaten out in a month and a half and because I’m home all the time, I have the time and energy to cook. I’m going out on 2 long walks per day. I’ve actually lost a bit of weight and never felt better physically.

    I’m not spending on anything besides groceries so I’m coming out ahead financially.

    Not to say that it won’t change or I’ll still feel the same 6 months or a year from now, but as of this moment there are no negatives to this situation for me personally.

    Anyone else feel that way?

    1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I definitely did, for a few weeks. Being at home is giving me the chance, at long last, to write the stereotypical novel that everyone says we should be writing. I’ve been on fire writing-wise. I, too, don’t get out a whole lot normally so I think it’s been an easier adjustment.

      Over the past week-10 days or so, I’ve been starting to get antsy for a return to normal (wbich in our area, isn’t coming soon). The news is just getting worse and worse and it’s finally all sinking in. But I still am kind of dreading returning to (place we don’t mention here).

    2. nep*

      For me, many things are better than before. Not that all is great, but some stress has disappeared even if the virus brings new stress. But pre-pandemic, besides exercise, basically I’d leave the house only for a 2x/week job, the post office (reseller), and trips to the grocery store and thrift shops; not much missing there.
      I know many people who are thriving in the current situation, others who are in a deep hole of anxiety. There will be as many states as there are people, I reckon.

      3. WellRed*

        I definitely use hermit for people who rarely leave the house. My roommate hasn’t been past the front door in weeks.

      4. Come On Eileen*

        +1

        Fellow introvert here, and I’m over all this. The introvert in me still needs time alone to recharge, but I reeeeaaally miss my friends and going into the office and connecting with other humans. I’m an introvert who craves connection and I know I’m not alone in that.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yep. I’m an introvert AND a homebody, but the fact that I can’t even CHOOSE to go hang out with my dearest friends… sucks. A lot.

      5. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, thank you. I’m an introvert, meaning I need to recharge my batteries by being alone. It doesn’t mean I want to spend all day, everyday in my house not talking to or seeing people. I (somewhat) miss going to work and chatting with my coworkers, going to the diner with a friend, etc.

      6. nep*

        Heard Susan Pinker talk about this on NPR a while ago/TED Radio Hour. She makes such a great point.

        ZOMORODI: And what about introverts? Because I’m actually hearing some people say that they’re getting used to social isolation kind of like, well, I never needed much socializing anyway. Is loneliness any different for those people?

        PINKER: Well, we started off our discussion talking about how social contact is a biological need. So when you say you’re an introvert and you don’t need social contact, that’s like saying, you know, you have a small appetite, so you don’t need to eat ever. If you are a true introvert, what’s important is choosing the kind of social contact that is good for you. And a lot of that is about control, so you’re not stuck, you know, glued to your seat at a dinner party for seven hours where you can’t get up. That’s torture.

    4. 653-CXK*

      I feel about the same as you do – not dream situation per se but it’s not affecting me as much as I thought it would.

      The physical distancing doesn’t bother me at all because I always like to have plenty of space between me and another person when I’m walking. The “essential” stores I use all the time are still open, so if I need anything, I can get it without any problem. The funny thing is, the “non-essential” stores that are still closed are ones I rarely go into anyway (online shopping is also good), so I’m not missing much.

      The money situation is actually quite good, as I’ve been able to save a lot of money. Once I got my stimulus check and paycheck last week, into the savings account it went.

      I used to eat out every day until the crisis, but now it’s just every Saturday ordering in.

      I think a lot of what this crisis will teach us is that the stuff we took for granted for so long, and the instant gratification we came to expect, can easily vaporize in a snap of a finger. We never predicted such a fast-spreading disease to alter so many lives at once in our lifetime – not just physically, but mentally and financially. The lockdowns and physical distancing will gradually ease, but the anxiety and fear won’t until we’re all confident that the disease is fully mitigated enough to return to the somewhat new normal.

      For those of us who were fortunate to avoid some of the worst of this disease’s effects – if you know someone who’s struggling, call them up and ask them if they need anything, or just let them vent. Chances are they’ll be glad someone’s looking out for them.

    5. Emily*

      I wouldn’t quite say I’m thriving (I’d rather be able to run outside without worrying about social distancing, access my gym/fitness class/climbing gym, shop for groceries every week, and visit the local library), but my day-t0-day life has been relatively easy in many ways. My work was already completely doable from home, my partner and I were already cooking most of our meals, my social life still exists (I’m playing games online with different groups of people 2-3 times a week), and many of my hobbies have remained available to me (running, baking, video games, art).

    6. Book Lover*

      I have a hard time with comments like this. I think it is great that you are doing very ok, but I am pretty sure you don’t mean it when you say you are in your dream situation. I am sure your dream situation doesn’t include hundreds of thousands of people dying, people going to bed hungry, people not knowing how they will pay their rent, businesses everywhere closing and perhaps never reopening. I am sure if doesn’t include people scared to go out because they have risk factors for complications, or an increase in domestic violence.

      I think it is great to post and say that you are doing really well with isolation and that your preferences make it easier for you, perhaps offering tips for how you are staying safe and happy. Perhaps I am being over sensitive, but I have kind of had it with the ‘introverts time to shine’ type of posts. I am an introvert and I have spent the past couple of months in a state of anxiety and distress. I don’t mean to pick on you, I have seen many other comments like this over the past several weeks.

      1. orange toes*

        that’s a bit harsh- I think you’re being a bit sensitive. The OP did say for themselves personally, and I think asking if anyone else felt the same way was an indication that Lifeisgood understands it’s a minority position.

        1. Book Lover*

          Fair enough, I am feeling very sensitive. Maybe something to do with being an essential worker with a sick parent and two young kids.

      2. Lentil*

        I think the charitable thing to do would be to read between the lines and assume that Lifeisgood does not realize that their current situation is the result of a global pandemic.

        1. Ginger*

          It’s ok to know there’s a global pandemic and also be content within your own situation.

      3. Reba*

        I think you are reading a bit of meanness or self-centeredness in the comment that is not there. Your second paragraph is basically what Lifeisgood did. They are not minimizing anyone else’s suffering and specifically confined their remarks “to [them] personally.” In fact, they are not bragging but asking if, in light of others’ distress, it is sort of ok to feel this way.

      4. RagingADHD*

        I hope your personal situation improves soon. It sounds very hard, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that.

        Being able to “count your blessings” and find things to be grateful for is widely recommended as an excellent exercise to support or improve one’s mental health. That’s what OP is doing.

        Yes, many people are suffering and miserable. Many other people are only mildly inconvenienced.

        Everyone acting miserable when they are not, does no good. It doesn’t help anyone in any way.

        When those who have things easy recognize it, they are more likely to take practical action to help others- like donating money, making PPE, grocery-pooling, tipping delivery people generously, etc.

    7. lazy intellectual*

      I don’t mind working from home, but I miss socializing. Going out to eat, for coffee, etc. is one of my favorite pasttimes and I miss that. I used to go to a local bakery every Saturday morning for a coffee and pastry and miss that ritual.

    8. Dan*

      Yes. Without reading *too much* into the particulars of what you wrote, I thought home confinement would suck ass and I’d go crazy. I haven’t. Is this my ideal? Is this my long term plan? No. I don’t have the right setup to never go back to the office between now and the 20 years until I retire. But work keeps me busy, and I live alone. I don’t feel lonely, and I’m glad I don’t have the complications of having to share a small space with a spouse/kids and all of that.

      Plus I have a job that can easily ride the current situation out for a few months, so I don’t have to worry about that in the short term. Heck, I even got a substantive raise this week, which was totally unexpected?

      Am I handling this well? Better than I expected, and far better than many in the same boat. I this my ideal for the next couple of decades? Nope.

    9. Anonnington*

      Yeah, this happened at a pretty ideal time for me. I’m refraining from posting a ton of joyful stuff on social media. Instead, I’m working on things I can share later as a finished large project.

    10. leukothea*

      Right there with you! I do miss real life, but my current situation is a dream. I can sleep in every day, don’t have to force the children to get to school, can read all the books I want and cook myself great food every day! I’ve learned to use the deep fat fryer, ice cream maker, and tomorrow we’re having raclette and fondue. I am working out 3x a week and have lost a bunch of weight and am working towards completing my gym’s weekly challenges. I’ve cleaned and reorganized things in the house and done a bunch of yard work and gardening. I’ve even watched TV shows all by myself, that *I* want to watch — something I never did before. I feel closer to my husband and kids, and we got a new cat who is amusing us greatly. We’ve done jigsaw puzzles and introduced the kids to TV shows and movies they didn’t already know. We’ve moved the D&D games online and it wasn’t even that painful, so we still have time “with” our friends. I no longer feel pressured to go out and do things. Honestly, this has been the best time of my adult life for years.

      I do feel bad for all the extroverts, first responders, sick people, people who have lost loved ones, people in fear for they’re lives, laid off people, and those who have to risk their health going back to work in order to earn enough money to live. I wish I could do something meaningful to help those who are truly in need besides just give money to various charities.

    11. A New Normal*

      Honestly … yes. Life pre-covid was not ideal for my personality. I was working two customer-facing jobs, helping run a gaming cafe once a week, and involved in various other groups to help grow one of my jobs and it was exhausting. I’m 100% an introvert and have ADHD and being ‘on’ all the time plus keeping everything straight and not missing meetings or deadlines was not great on my mental health. With COVID, one job furloughed me back in March and the other has cut hours by 2/3rds and all my extracurriculars have stopped. And it’s AMAZING. We are incredibly fortunate because DH’s job is still going and still paying him the same and, between unemployment and not eating out so much and no driving, we actually came out ahead this month, money-wise.

      I need to walk more but I’m sewing again, I’m writing, I’m catching up on books and shows and movies and I feel so much better than I did in January. I’m loving the extra time I have with my cats, the chance to cook, and just not being on “Go” mode all the time.

      I know this is a bad situation on the whole but in my little bubble it’s kind of idyllic and I’m enjoying it.

      1. A New Normal*

        *”It” at the end being the situation I’m in, personally, at this exact moment in time.

        Obviously I’d much, much prefer a non-COVID world and I certainly have my share of anxieties about the illness, economy, future, etc. But, at the same time, there’s some parts that really work for me and it seems the best way to help me cope with the bad is to revel in the good.

        I’m trying to use this time to reevaluate my career and life and hopefully, when things reopen, I’ll be able to find a situation that’s more sustainable than what I had and to use what I’ve learned about myself during this time to make post-COVID life better than pre-COVID. I’m also trying use the time I have to help those who aren’t doing well – supporting local businesses, sewing masks for my community, and reaching out to those who need more social connection than me.

    12. Ginger*

      I was really struggling with my mental health until I got voluntarily furloughed so I’m now off work on full pay. (I’m in the UK and the government is covering 80% of my salary.) This took so much anxiety away and now I’m a lot more relaxed and am starting to make the most of it.

    13. Alexandra Lynch*

      By and large, that’s where the three of us are at. We do miss eating out every week, and I miss the gym and going to see his mom and dad and my mom on a regular basis, but you know, we’re talking on the phone and okay, more or less.

      It’s annoying to have our larger plans on hold, but right now, we’re good day to day. It’s definitely less stress on Boyfriend, because he’s not commuting and if he needs to take ten minutes and lie back in his recliner with his eyes shut, he can. He’s not always thrilled with his feline coworkers, but I point out he can shut his office door, too. Girlfriend was going to school online anyway, and it’s convenient for her to have someone who does the things she goes to school for to consult with when she gets stuck. And I wasn’t going much of anywhere; I can still make a nice home for us and make good food for us.

    14. RagingADHD*

      The lack of structure isn’t doing my focus or health & fitness routines any favors. I am getting fewer nights of good sleep, which has knock on effects.

      But we’re mostly okay. Not optimal, but not suffering.

    15. The Rat-Catcher*

      I feel this. I’m a night owl by nature and this situation has allowed me to shift my sleep from 11-6:30 to 12-7:30. Not only do I get back that hour of getting kids ready for school and commuting, but I’m in such a better frame of mind from 11-12 than I am from 6:30-7:30. I got the time with my kids that I had been missing this whole school year. My mental health, which was not in a great place in early March, has improved greatly due to essentially getting to take a break from societal expectations. My and my partner’s jobs are both doable from home so our income hasn’t suffered. We’ve had time to do projects around the home that we’d been meaning to do since we moved in almost a year ago. Yes, I was upset to cancel my birthday vacation and to celebrate this milestone birthday as well as my anniversary at home, but the good in this situation for me has far outweighed the bad. I try not to wax eloquent about that because I know how many people are ill, at risk, or struggling with social distancing so it’s great to talk about it here.

  36. Purple Alex*

    I live in a country that’s on lockdown and during this lockdown, I found a new guilty pleasure, K-pop. In the risk of sounding like a Koreaboo, now I understand why it’s so popular. Catchy music, great performers, intricate music videos and the mind-blowing dances.

    I’ve been trying to learn some of the dances, though my 30+ year old body couldn’t keep up. But it’s a very great way to fill the time during this lockdown and take my mind off depressing news.

    What do you guys think of K-pop?

    (Disclaimer: I fully understood that people (deservedly) like to dunk on K-pop because it has a lot of issues such as the slave contract, “manufactured” feel, etc. I’ve been researching a lot about this to make a conscious decision. And no, I do not engage in the fan culture, I just love to enjoy the music, dance and videos.)

    1. Torrance*

      I love(d) it. I got into it sideways; I started watching variety shows & dramas and then started listening to the music my favourite entertainers were putting out.

      I don’t listen to that much new stuff, with the exception of BLACKPINK & Super Junior. (I’m one of the weirdos who never got into BTS. T_T) 2010-2015 K-pop is my jam. ❤︎ Most of the groups I like have either disbanded or gone defunct and a lot of the artists have moved into acting full-time (or, tragically, have passed away) but, for me, that was a golden era of Korean music and entertainment. Girls’ Generation, f(x), Beast, After School, 4Minute, 2NE1, Shinee, Kara, Big Bang, Brown Eyed Girls, SuJu– they were putting out great music & amazing music videos.

      1. Purple Alex*

        Oh interesting! I haven’t got into the variety shows and dramas yet (although, Kingdom on NETFLIX is great). Do you have any recommendation?

        I saw a clip in Youtube from a group called Twice and they seem funny enough (the one where they have the whispering game with earphone on. Sorry, not sure what is the name of the game/show).

    2. matcha123*

      I’ve been into Kpop since high school. I think I’m about the same age as you, and why the “my body can’t keep up?”
      If you practice those dances everyday, you’ll be able to do them, trust me! That’s one way I exercise.

      I haven’t kept up with the newest groups, but I liked the late 90s, early 2010s kpop (Baby VOX, HOT, Blackpink, 2ne1, Wonder Girls, Sunmi, Afterschool….)

      1. fposte*

        Are there good videos for uncoordinated novices? I’d love to throw some dancing into my workout cycles, but I don’t do much beyond pogo.

        1. Emily*

          As an uncoordinated novice, I’m pretty rubbish at learning dances from just watching and trying to imitate the original music videos. I’ve had the most success looking on youtube for dance tutorials for specific songs I’m interested in and trying to learn from those (although I still have to pause and rewind a lot, since I don’t pick up new moves particularly quickly).

          Alternatively, if you’re more interested in fun and cardio than you are in learning to dance, you could just put some videos on and try to follow along with the understanding that you’ll probably miss half the moves (which is totally okay and also something that I’ve done before!).

        2. matcha123*

          Back when I was trying to learn a dance, I’d do a YouTube search for the name of the song plus “dance tutorial.” Some…many of them are broken into three parts and go somewhat slowly.
          I should add that I am a terrible dancer. Especially when it comes to hip-hop/modern dance. There are some songs that have steps that are just too advanced for what I can do (looking at you Wonder Girls’ “Like This”).
          But, if you enjoy the song and like to dance, spending a bunch of time practicing one you like doesn’t seem like a task.
          The tutorials I looked at (by Korean dancers) 10 years ago (omg) were for: Wonder Girls (So Hot), SNSD (Gee and Run Devil Run), and more recently Sunmi (24 Hours).

          There’s not one person that I really follow. It takes some time watching through tutorials to find someone whose style matches yours. Some videos go too fast, others too slow.

          I wouldn’t worry about the uncoordinated part, but beginner zumba videos might help. And don’t push your body too hard.

          1. Purple Alex*

            Thank you for the recommendation! I looked up Sunmi’s 24 hours and that body movement thing she did is mesmerizing!

        3. fposte*

          Brilliant suggestions from you both, thanks! And definitely just for cardio and movement, not for impressing a wedding crowd.

      2. Purple Alex*

        Sorry, didn’t mean to offend 30+ people! It’s just a self jab because I am so uncoordinated and stiff, it’s hard for me to do intricate dances eventhough I love dancing. But I agree with you though that it is a great way to exercise!

    3. Just Like Bart*

      I avoided kpop for the longest time (because of certain fans). Then I listened to a song or two and I somehow have an album collection. What a slippery slope.

      1. Purple Alex*

        Luckily I haven’t got to the stage where I collect K-pop album yet. Haha. But I’ve read in a lot of places that K-pop albums are different with western music album because they are intended more as a fan gift. If western music albums usually only consist of cassette/CD with the album sleeves containing lyrics, they said K-pop albums give you photobooks, photocards, posters, etc. Is this true? Any album recommendations?

    4. Emily*

      I wouldn’t consider myself a K-pop fan (in that I don’t listen to a ton of it/don’t make an effort to keep up with many of the groups and songs), but I like some of the songs and music videos! And as you said, a lot of the dances are fun to try to learn.

      My favorites (many from a while ago):
      – Miss A (“Breathe”, “Bad Girl Good Girl”, “Goodbye Baby”)
      – Girls’ Generation/SNSD (“Gee”, “Oh!”)
      – SHINee (“Sherlock”)
      – SUNMI (“Gashina”, “Heroine”, “Siren”)

      I know people now who are into BTS and LOONA, but I haven’t listened to either enough to have an opinion.

      1. Purple Alex*

        Girl’s Generation seems to be one of the biggest group in K-pop, will check out their stuffs for sure!

    5. Academia blues*

      There is no need for a disclaimer, kpop is great, it’s just the right mix of fluff and excitement for these trying times.

      I really recommend to check K-Ville’s YouTube channel – it has these ‘top 100 korean mvs of all time’ that are super useful to get a feel for all the famous artists and their different style.

      1. Purple Alex*

        Thank you for the kind comment! I added the disclaimer because I saw in a few places that if you profess your love of K-pop, some people will readily throw an essay on “why you should hate K-pop”. I figured I’ll just add the disclaimer just to be safe.

        Will check your recommendation for sure!

    6. Heartlover1717*

      OLD School Kpop & Jpop:
      • Ayumi Hamaski (active 1993 – present)
      • BoA (Kwon) (active 2000 – present)
      • Chakra (active 2000 – 2006)
      • Sugar (active 2001 – 2006)
      I used to keep songs in a playlist on YouTube, but I don’t own any music outright. The music arrangement and choreography were great, but when watching a video of a live performance (for the groups, at least) I wondered how aware or passionate the performers were about what they were doing.

      1. Purple Alex*

        “when watching a video of a live performance (for the groups, at least) I wondered how aware or passionate the performers were about what they were doing.”

        This seems to be one of the main criticism of K-pop that I’ve seen. Everything that they did on stage is so meticulously choreographed, including the facial expressions.

    7. I like turtles!*

      My teenager is a fan of trap music, and for some reason, she seems to have a lot of energy around arguing with or complaining about KPop fans online. That’s usually the context around the topic of Kpop in my house. I wish she’d be a fan of Kpop for a while, I’ve grown weary of trap!

      1. Purple Alex*

        Oh wow, that’s the one thing that I’m not fond of from K-pop, the fan fight are intense!

    8. matcha123*

      Just wanted to add that for a lot of people, any music genre coming out of Korea is “K-pop.” I like some singers who may or may not fall under that label. Some oldies but goodies that I like are:
      For Hip-hop/rap…Drunken Tiger: Because I’m a Man (남자기때문에), Good Life, Yet
      Tasha: Memories, Concrete Jungle, Wonder Woman

      For ballad-y…Gumi: Amnesia (기억상실)

      Real “old school”…Lee Sunhee: Beautiful Mountains and Rivers (아름다운 강산)

  37. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Runners of AAM: Are you running with a face covering?

    I’ve tried, and I just can’t do it. Breathing in the recycled air makes my chest burn within half a mile.

    I feel really selfish for continuing to run anyway. I’m doing literally everything in my power to stay 20+ feet away from people, and am running at times and in places where the fewest people are likely to be out. Running is one of the few things allowing me to keep my sanity.

    If anyone has secrets for running with a face covering, please share them; I’d really appreciate it.

    For context, in my state, its now the law to cover your face in any situation where social distancing is required, but it’s being marketed as “wear a mask all the time” (which, honestly, is totally understandable considering all the confusion already existing around this situation and how dire it is).

    1. Natalie*

      I’m not aware of any public health recommendations to try and wear a mask while exercising? There aren’t really any secrets to exercising with a mask because it isn’t especially doable – an effective mask restricts your breathing and that’s not something you want while exercising. 20 feet away also sounds like overdoing it – it’s certainly nice if you can, but I wouldn’t agonize it you can’t. Again, not aware of any (credible) recommendations to be that far from other people. Doing what you can do to go at low volume times is awesome, for you and others.

      It’s not selfish to get outside and get some exercise. Please try and give yourself a break.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Ugh I’m tired of the quarantine-shamers who criticize people for being anything more than hermit. It’s the typical busybodies who are using this pandemic as an excuse to shame people for other reasons.

    2. Emma*

      I’ve seen runners who wear the face mask but not over their nose, but when they have to pass someone they pull it up over their nose. So as long as your hands are clean the whole time it shouldn’t raise risk to you and protect the other people at the same time.

    3. J. F.*

      All masks impede air flow! There are actual studies!

      If you feel you must wear something to comply with the law – I think its effect while running outside will be negligible, i.e. you’re going fast and outdoors and not near people!- I’d tie the lightest piece of old t-shirt or ancient bandana that you can find over your mouth and call it good. If there’s no seal at the bottom it will be much easier to breathe.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, I was going to suggest a light t shirt, bandana or buff… More for the appearance/social benefit of trying than for highly effective screening?

        It sounds like you’re doing it right, Librarian!

    4. Lady Jay*

      Nope. Honestly, the cloth masks I’ve been gifted are a little big and would probably fall off while running. Like you, I’m taking care to run in areas w/o a lot of people (which, strangely, is urban / suburban areas right now; the trails are super-crowded). I’m giving people a wide berth when I do see them.

      No activity has zero risk, but running alone, as things go, is pretty low-risk: you’re outside, you’re away from people for extended periods of time, and you’re not touching anything.

    5. Ranon*

      The benefits to wearing a mask while exercising outside at safe distances just don’t remotely outweigh the costs (which is why it’s exempted in all the orders I’m familiar with and I would guess most generally). Any possible pathogen that you breathe out outside is going to get instantly diluted by the nearly constantly moving turbulent outside air and then blasted with UV.

      I know there’s that one study about bicyclists and 50 feet or whatever but I haven’t seen any epidemiologists or public health folks give it much credence because that’s not how air works. I know we don’t have data about what concentration of the pathogen is necessary for it to be infections but all available data suggests it’s not a case of “just one bit of virus is enough” – this thing would be spreading dramatically more quickly if it were. Outside and distanced is really very safe (at least in terms of virus transmission, ymmv on other aspects), and it’s incredibly important for mental and physical health to get outside.

      1. Natalie*

        It’s not a study. It’s a computer model made out of shitty data and published on Medium.

        1. Ranon*

          Truly authentic nonsense then! I never looked it up, my husband mentioned it to me and I was like… that’s not how air works? Especially outside?

        2. LGC*

          To be fair, the data itself is…preliminary, but somewhat compelling? The problem is that the assumption was that any exposure to SARS-CoV-2 (aka the COVID-19 virus aka the coronavirus aka THE ‘RONA) is potentially infectious, which…as Ranon noted, isn’t how most viruses work. So basically, the original scientist (who studies aerodynamics) published a first draft that confirmed a lot of people’s biases, some businessman with a Medium account ran with it, and then the fitness internet freaked out.

          (Disclaimer: not a doctor, just spent WAY too much time in this rabbithole)

            1. LGC*

              Yeah, I should have noted that too – it was a model, and when it was first published that was made clear. But then the Internet.

              (For what it’s worth, I can tell you from experience that six feet apart while running is not enough social distancing. I vividly remember one time when I was doing a tempo workout with one of my friends and he broke wind. I now make it a point to either be well behind him or in front of him at all times.)

              1. Natalie*

                Volatile organic compounds are gases, and as such *much* lighter and will disperse farther than respiratory droplets, which are liquids.

                1. LGC*

                  …I mean, I absolutely agree that the post was trash, and I probably should have said that more clearly from the jump. But I don’t think that it’s 100% wrong, if that makes sense. (Probably just 95% wrong. The 5% that wasn’t wrong was that six feet is the guideline for slow movement like walking, and that almost certainly goes up with fast movement and hard exercise. Probably not to 20 meters for cycling, but it does go up.)

                  For what it’s worth, my own personal position is that you can probably pass someone within six feet to their side (and even if you accidentally get closer it’s not the end of the world). If you’re running behind someone, though, and you’re matching their pace, you should still probably keep well more than six feet apart. To be serious, I did mention a friend farting on me because farts are funny (I might be turning 36 this week, but I’m still 13 at heart), but the other thing is that…well, yeah, people are breathing hard (and possibly doing other gross things). And you’re getting in the space they just vacated, which even outdoors might raise your risk.

                2. Natalie*

                  If it makes you more comfortable to give other runners a wide berth there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I guess my primary point is, no matter how much these different theories might seem to make logical sense on paper this way or that way, the actual data we have about spread contradicts them. They’re really not worth spending much time or energy on.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I have to admit that I’m totally confused by this sub-thread.

        1. Natalie*

          A Medium post circulated claiming that runners and cyclists needed to be a crazy amount of distance away from other people, but it’s based on truly terrible modeling and basically nonsense. I’ll link to an article in a reply.

    6. LGC*

      I…generally don’t, myself. What I’ve done is run with a buff/neck gaiter and pull it up if I’m approaching someone. (Which I assume is what you’re wearing.) And from what I’ve seen, many runners and cyclists don’t run with those at all.) Even still, the one thing I’ve discovered through all of this is that I am apparently an extremely moist person; by the time I’m done, it’s soaked and thus WAY less effective.

      (I’ve also seen a ton of cycling particulate masks advertised to me alongside the novelty face masks. I refuse to buy them because I don’t want to encourage the ad algorithms any more than necessary – I look two seconds longer at an ad than I should and that product follows me around for WEEKS.)

      You’re right in that there’s a lot of confusion, but that’s because the actual guidance is so nuanced. (Part of this is that scientists do speak in nuance and Americans – myself included – just don’t like that.) Masks aren’t supposed to be a substitute for social distancing, they’re mostly a fallback for when that might not be entirely possible, such as when you’re going to the store or picking up take-out. If you’re out at times and places where the fewest people should be out, that’s a big enough impact where a mask only provides marginal gains for society. Let alone yourself.

      2. Hi there*

        This is what I do, too, wear a buff and pull it up when I am approaching people. I’ve also gone back to running early since there are far fewer people out when it is cold or still a little dark. The other early birds tend to be people I recognize since we have been out there at the same time for a long while. One day the hubs and I went for a walk, and a lot of the neighborhood walkers were out. He was surprised by how many people greeted me in a friendly way. I felt like the mayor of our main road.

    7. Alex*

      There’s really no need to wear a mask when you are outside and generally away from people. I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s inside stores, etc., that you should wear one.

    8. Lost in the Woods*

      I’m in the same boat. I’ve tried and I absolutely can’t. I have exercise induced asthma, which is normally a non-issue when I use my inhaler prior to exercise, but seems to make the mask a huge issue. I agree the solution is running at unpopular times and keeping far apart.

    9. Rebecca*

      Not a runner, but a walker – I live in a rural area, not many people out and about normally anyway, and when I go walking or hiking, I don’t wear a mask. If on the slim chance I would see someone else out and about, it’s easy enough to stay many feet away and still talk. I ran into a person I know when I was walking recently, we stood about 20 feet apart, with a light breeze blowing to her right and my left, so between us, and had a conversation. I can’t see where that would be in the least bit dangerous. I do wear a mask even in the parking lot if I have to go into a store, or when I do pickup at the feed mill, or go into the post office, though.

    10. blackcat*

      I cut up an old article of clothing that had a long, thick, elastic in it. I put the elastic around my head/over my nose. Fabric hangs down over my nose/face, but it sorta flaps in the breeze. Does not impede airflow at all, which likely means it does absolutely nothing besides comply with “cover your face in public” rules.

      If a mask is actually an effective filter, it is likely *unsafe* for strenuous exercise outdoors. Staying far from people is the most important thing.

      1. blackcat*

        Also, if you are feeling guilty at all about aiming to follow the letter but not the spirit of the law, read this: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2020/04/closing-parks-ineffective-pandemic-theater/609580/

        Basically, there’s little reason to believe the virus spreads easily outdoors. Most risks seem to be indoors, with long duration of contact. It is indeed true that UV radiation–from sunlight–kills viruses with great efficiency… in the air and on surfaces (it kills stuff through the same mechanism as CAUSING CANCER so still wear your sunscreen when exercising!). I do not feel guilty about running outside at all.

    11. CheeryO*

      I’ve been wearing a buff. I just pull it up when I see someone ahead of me and pull it back down when it’s clear. I still give people as much room as possible, since I think spandex is one of the less effective materials when it comes to blocking the droplets, and I make sure not to touch anything once I’m outside since fiddling with the buff means a lot of face touching.

      I’m not sure about where you live, but people have gotten pretty nasty about runners here (random harassment, jokes about trying to trip joggers on our local NextDoor, etc.), so I’m happy to wear a buff even if just for appearances.

    12. rkz*

      For what it’s worth, I’m normally a runner but am currently a walker (third trimester of pregnancy haha). When I’m walking outside, I dont blame the runners at all for not wearing masks, and we all just try to give each other as much space as possible. It sounds like you are doing everything you can reasonably do.

    13. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Thanks for the comments – they are mostly reassuring, and I was really happy to see too many to respond to individually!

      One major question remains:
      There have been a few comments (not just here) about “putting up appearances that I am socially responsible/care about humanity” by wearing something essentially useless on my face, and a few of the runners who have told me I should wear a face covering admit that they, themselves, lower their covering when no one else is around, then put it back on. Doesn’t that totally defeat the purpose? I thought you were only supposed to touch a mask/face covering when you get back home, and only after a copious amount of hand-washing.

      What the people around me think is my main concern, to be quite honest — it probably shouldn’t be, but this is the truth. I never go on Nextdoor because, like Twitter, it is an absolute garbage fire of humanity, but the comments I’ve seen about runners on Facebook (which is the way I stay connected with my geographically distant family) have alarmed me – enough so that I’ve gone back to running on a “running path” instead of on the streets, just so that there are other people like me around me. Safety in numbers, which is exactly the *opposite* of the definition of safety right now. It does not help that the official message from the government, at least in my state/city, is “never go outside,” not “go outside only when absolutely necessary, which includes getting the exercise you need to stop the Coronavirus Pandemic of 2020 from becoming the Stroke/Heart Attack Pandemic of 2021.”

      This topic causes me a lot of anxiety. It has made running, the one thing that *relieves* my anxiety, an anxiety-producing activity and I hate that, but I know there are much bigger problems in the world right now. Thanks again for the virtual support.

      1. Ems*

        Your last paragraph completely sums up my feelings as well. I live in Manhattan and typically run 4-5 times a week in Central Park or one of the other parks near me, so there’s very few circumstances in which there is absolutely no one around.

        Up until a week or so ago, I wasn’t wearing a face covering and was just doing the ‘swerve whenever you come up to someone’ to maintain at least 6 ft distance. But then I saw so many posts and articles online complaining about runners behaviour and people not feeling safe that I felt I had to switch to a mask. Like others have said here, I found the best solution is to wear a buff over my nose and mouth (after a week I do seem to be getting used to it – I’ve found that slowing down my usual pace help as well, to control my breathing more). If the path is clear, I’ll pull it down to breath. You’re right that it’s not the correct way to use a face mask but I figure that at this point I’m wearing it is to reassure other people rather than to protect myself.

      2. Alex*

        “Doesn’t that totally defeat the purpose”

        There is no purpose to wearing a face covering while outside by yourself.

        Inside a store, you don’t have breezes and air circulation like you do outside. If you cough or sneeze without a mask, the droplets could a) linger in the air long enough for someone else to breathe them in and b) land on surfaces that other people touch. Neither is likely to happen outside. This is why wearing a mask is helpful inside, even if it is just a cloth one, because the cloth can stop the projectile of water droplets from coughing, sneezing, and talking. Since these things aren’t a concern outside unless you are near someone else (for more than the few seconds it takes to pass them on a trail), wearing one is really just for show.

        As for washing your hands…if you aren’t touching anything in the outside world, it isn’t necessary to worry too much about your hands either, unless you live in an apartment building where you have to touch common doorknobs/elevator buttons to come and go from your apartment. But if you live in a home with a direct entrance to the outside, you don’t need to worry too much. Your hands don’t magically get infected by being in the air outside. It is only if you touch something or someone else sneezes/coughs/talks close enough to your hands that their respiratory droplets fall on them. Neither of these things is likely to happen as you jog around your neighborhood.

        So go out and run guilt and anxiety free!

      3. blackcat*

        If your goal is to protect other people (which is what a cloth mask does), you can touch it all you want! The concern is your hands contaminating your mask and vice versa, which is about you *getting* the virus.
        Any mask that will protect *you* from getting sick is going to have an effective filter, which means it will be hard to breathe through. Therefore, such a mask is not appropriate for running.
        What I do is surely ineffective for blocking the virus from entering the air around me. It is for keeping up appearances/complying with face covering rules. I never get within 15 feet of another person while running–I manage my route so that is possible–and I’m confident that is enough for me to avoid transmitting (or contracting) the virus.

        The article I posted above walks through why extreme caution while outdoors is not needed. S. Korea has excellent data on where the virus has been transmitted. It’s almost always transmitted in doors.

        (I’m also much more about keeping up appearances given that I give it roughly 80% odds I’ve already had COVID based on the timing, symptoms, and confirmed exposure. But of course, I wasn’t able to get tested when sick. *eyeroll* I look forward to a serology test when it is available to me/my husband. There is a significant false positive rate, but if we both get a positive serology test, that means it’s very likely we had the virus and are immune for at least a little while.)

        1. blackcat*

          Also, for reference, I live in an outbreak area. Roughly 1% of the population of my town has been *confirmed* to have the virus. Most folks expect the actual number is 5-10% have had it already.

          I am sure I am the subject of nasty FB posts, because I sometimes run with my kid in a running stroller with me. But I’m so far from people and the kid is behind a weather shield that I’m not worried.

          Running is extremely important to my mental health, and I have no childcare! I’m doing what I need to do to preserve my health, while being confident that I am not *actually* putting anyone at risk. No one has yelled at me in public yet.

      4. acmx*

        You don’t need to wear face covering if no one is around. The covering is for keeping the virus to yourself (if you’re asymptomatic) when you’re unable to keep 6+ feet apart. And you’re keeping 6′ apart when you’re going to be in the vicinity of others for a period of time (like 10 min).

        I’d say you take the mask off with unwashed hands and then wash your hands because there could be virus on the outside? (I don’t believe the virus is in enough quantity or viable enough to infect – barring licking it – on surfaces).

        I’m not on social media so I don’t see people complaining about runners. But I can complain about all of the new walkers. They’re as oblivious/self centered as tourists. Here, they walk 3 abreast, don’t even attempt to allow space , walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk, bikers who use the sidewalk instead of the street.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Thanks, I mis-typed my sort of ranty comment above. I did mean to say that I take my mask off and then wash my hands. I find this all very confusing, to be honest, and I’m sure that’s coming through in my posts!

          1. acmx*

            I think the 2nd and 3rd sentences should have been one! Wear a covering when you’re unable to keep 6′ apart for 10+ min. It’s the prolonged exposure to respiration to avoid.

            If you have a Buff/gaiter I’d try that when you’re running (I assume they’re rather thin so breathing through it is easier than a homemade covering or non N95 surgical mask). For your area, appearances may have a greater impact.

      5. lazy intellectual*

        I don’t think runners need to wear masks. The only thing I will say is that some runners in my area don’t social distance for the sake of maintaining their momentum and running trajectory. (I’ve had runners run up behind me so that I can feel them breathing right behind me.) It seems like you are social distancing, though, so it’s fine. I don’t have a problem with runners in general as long as they keep distance.

        1. filosofickle*

          Yes, and I’m happy to see a runner posting because they want to do the right thing! Most runners around me have been fine, but a few have passed within a few feet, huffing and puffing hard. That isn’t okay.

      6. Ranon*

        It sounds like there are two actual proposes of a mask for you- disease/ physical safety and social safety. There’s nothing about your current behavior that makes it sound like it is necessary for physical safety (of you or others) but for the sake of your social safety something light weight that you can easily move up and down should work just fine- because in that case it’s genuinely just for show. And it’s okay if you feel that you need something for show, but don’t tie yourself in knots trying to also make it effective for physical safety when that aspect isn’t actually necessary for the application. Different needs, different tools.

      7. Courageous cat*

        I think you’re overthinking it. Just go for a run, do your best to avoid others, and try not to make it a moral dilemma any more than it needs to be.

      8. LGC*

        …yeah, it’s pretty messy, and it would almost be easier if the US had taken the same tack as much of Europe and just put official restrictions on outdoor exercise. (Although that brings up a whole new set of probelms – for example, the UK’s had quite a few stories about people reporting runners for daring to do doubles.) Honestly, I’ve at turns jokingly and seriously said that it doesn’t matter what I do because it’s going to be wrong anyway myself.

        To get political for a bit, Oakland is planning to shut down a lot of streets so people can safely go outdoors. (They started with a couple of miles, but I heard they’re going up to 74 miles, which is something like…1/4 of the street mileage in Oakland.) I really wish more cities in the US would do that.

        And to get extremely political…honestly, I think people are also lashing out because they want an easy solution to this mess and it’s just easier to blame – let’s say – the guy running around breathing his putrid COVID-19 all over the place like he doesn’t care, even if he’s taking pains to stay as far apart from people as possible. I know I certainly did, and I don’t think I’m that much worse than the median American. By far, the most important thing is keeping your distance – and if you do inadvertently get too close to someone, getting away as quickly as possible. Masks are not a substitute for this (…well, maybe), but we can probably say that COVID-19 isn’t very airborne, and less so outdoors.

      9. Paul*

        I am a runner in MA, which is among the highest infection rates and I live in a densely populated part of Boston that is near lots of green space, parks, running trails. I wear a lightweight buff or gaiter pulled over my nose and mouth when I run. I was SO miserable and anxious about this when I started doing it but once I resigned myself to it, it’s not that bad. I work in the medical field and it is true this may do little to nothing to prevent infection, but around here people are scared and if I can do this thing to help my neighbors feel safe then I will. Plus, we know so little about the transmission of this virus that we should take every precaution we can. If you decide to not wear a face covering, please go far out of the way of other people when running, even if it means slowing down or stopping to let people pass. My elderly neighbor used to walk everyone morning but has stopped because too many runners are more concerned with keeping their pace and they come up being her breathing down her neck and it makes her uncomfortable.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Thank you. Yes, I have slowed down and/or stopped running multiple times to keep distance. I never come up behind anyone, not even close, and don’t care how many times I have to zig or zag. I’m not a competitive runner — I am pretty slow to start with, and really I just want to get my mileage in — so I don’t care how long it takes me. In my area, the vast majority of runners have been totally respectful. I’ve had problems with super-aggressive cyclists who WILL NOT SLOW DOWN OR MOVE, but that was also true before COVID-19.

          My wife was wonderful enough to make me a looser, lighter face covering than I’ve been using before. I’m going to try that tomorrow because, like you said, I just don’t want people to see me and be scared. There’s more than enough to be frightened of already. But if my chest still burns when I wear something, I’m going to keep running and just keep being super careful to stay far away from everyone else.

          1. blackcat*

            “I’ve had problems with super-aggressive cyclists who WILL NOT SLOW DOWN OR MOVE, but that was also true before COVID-19.”

            Yeah, I learned pretty quickly when I started running with a running stroller (which is 60lbs including the kid) that I had to entirely avoid paths where there might be cyclists. I had one *clip my stroller with the kid in it.* My stroller is a beast and it didn’t tip or anything, but my god the lack of respect for space.

            I hope the lose face covering works! Like I said, above, I use a very loose one that I’m sure does nothing just to keep up appearances.

            Do you live somewhere with light enough traffic you can run in the street (not on the sidewalk)? That’s what I do. I stay super far from people that way (think minimum 15ft, most of the time 20+). I couldn’t do this pre-COVID, but traffic is so heavily reduced now it works. I also preferentially do one-way streets going the wrong direction, so I see all traffic coming.

            1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

              I did run in the street for a few weeks before the mandate to wear a face covering came down in my state, because traffic has been so reduced. I was astonished at how much easier it was to avoid other people. (Cyclists were still an occasional problem.) I’m going to try again with the looser face covering and see what happens.

              Considering the level of panic around here, I didn’t feel comfortable running around private houses without a mask.

        2. J. F.*

          I am a biochemist. We know quite a lot about transmission!: c.f. South Korea’s transmission data: indoors, closer than 6 feet, more than 30 minutes. It’s fomites, and a little bit of surfaces, but mostly people breathing on other people.

      10. londonedit*

        Late to the party, but I’m in the UK and I don’t run with a mask, nor have I seen any other runners doing so. But I had to post in solidarity because the vitriol directed at runners on Facebook and similar has been just as bad here. I live in London so there are usually a lot of people around anyway, and a lot of people seem to have taken the ‘You are allowed to leave your house once a day for exercise – walking, running or cycling’ to mean ‘You must go outside and exercise once a day’. So there are a lot of people going for walks in our parks etc who wouldn’t usually do that, and there’s a lot of anxiety, and runners are getting it in the neck. I don’t even bother going to the parks anymore because pedestrians seem to object to people running in parks full stop, so I stick to quiet roads, I’m going out ridiculously early in the morning so as not to see anyone at all (I usually only see a few other runners) and I will cross the road in plenty of time, or actually run in the road if there’s no traffic, to avoid going anywhere near anyone I do see. I completely agree that it’s turned running – which used to be something I really enjoyed and used to switch off and relax – into something I’m doing simply because I don’t want to lose fitness. I can’t switch off because I’m constantly anxious that I’ll come across someone who objects to the fact that I’m daring to be exercising outdoors. And it’s frustrating, because most runners are behaving perfectly well, but unfortunately there are always the idiots who will barrel along and not move out of anyone’s way, and they’ve tarred all runners with the ‘inconsiderate disease-spreaders’ brush.

    14. lazy intellectual*

      This probably varies by locale, but where I am, you don’t have to wear a mask as long as you are social distancing. Of course, this is easier in some places than others.. (I live in a sparsely populated neighborhood, so runners don’t wear masks here.) I go on walks without wearing them. I currently only have one, and prefer to save it for the grocery trips.

    15. Not A Girl Boss*

      Have you considered using this as an opportunity to do elevation training? My husband has been running with an elevation training mask. It counts as a mask but doesn’t force you to recycle air. It will make your lungs work, but that’s the point. It might be fun to think of it as a new training opportunity (getting your body more efficient at using oxygen) instead of just another thing taken from you by Covid.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        I should add that I side with masks during outdoor exercise being ridiculous, but I get wanting to avoid the stress of feeling like a rule breaker.

    16. Mazzy*

      I’ve been waiting to ask about masks. Does anyone else besides us two have issues with them? I wore one when it was 60 degrees and sunny the other day and it turned into a sweaty mess and I had to wash it and my face when I got home. Not to mention that the air tasted when I was breathing it in so I felt gross breathing in mask micro-particles? How will this play out when it’s 70 or 80? Has anyone every worse a mask in that sort of weather? Most people who wear them are in air conditioning so I don’t know who to ask.

      1. Salymander*

        I have this problem, too. Also, my glasses fog up and I am stumbling around unable to see. No matter what I do. I have a massive headache every time I leave the house from either wearing fogged glasses or going without glasses. Even bought masks with the wire over the nose to make it fit better will make glasses fog up, and my homemade ones are not great (pretty fabric, though!). Maybe my face is a weird shape or something. Or my nose is a hell of a lot bigger than I thought.

      2. J. F.*

        Good masks (that actually filter at all) are extremely uncomfortable. They’re supposed to seal so all air exchanges through the mask and people are, in fact, a sweaty, uncomfortable mess. I’ve worn n95 masks for 8 hours at a time and it’s miserable. I suspect as it warms people will switch to less well sealing masks so they can breathe. I sympathize: I had to take off my well sealed mask at the store yesterday because I was feeling lightheaded. (My state doesn’t have a mask order.)

  38. Amethyst*

    My cats (8 & 5) have suddenly started begging for their wet food beginning yesterday after over a year of complete disinterest. I’m wondering if it’s because their current dry food (American Journey grain-free) is missing something their wet food has. I have no idea where to begin looking. When I switched them to grain-free due to the 8 year old’s multiple times daily pukes, they completely lost interest in their canned food. & now they want it again. What??

    Anyone have ideas?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Support: We had to put a cat box in a new place and were setting up a wire panel to keep the dog from “helping” keep it clean. Husband snipped a little “doorway” out of the wire panel so the cat can get through it. This was difficult, and he ended up with sore hands as a result of low-quality snips and fairly sturdy wire. Then he rigged up an edging with cardboard and tape so the cat would not be at risk of any snipped ends snagging on her. Then we stuck the cat behind the wire panel so she would know where the cat box was and how to get out of it through the opening.

        She used cat magic to squeeze around the 2″ at the end of the panel and completely ignored the opening he’d cut for her.

    2. Generic Name*

      Cats are like people and they prefer “junk food” to healthy food. My cats grudgingly eat the Trader Joe’s wet food, but they really prefer fancy feast.

    3. What the What*

      Don’t worry, they will stop wanting it after it goes on sale and you buy a bunch of it.

      1. Amethyst*

        BTDT, lol. Before they rejected it, I’d purchased a couple large boxes of each of their wet food mid-last year. I sold them to someone early this year. Tada…

    4. Willow*

      They might need the moisture. Cats get most of their water intake from their food. I’d personally recommend giving them some wet food every day, even if it’s not grain free, so they don’t get dehydrated (which can lead to kidney disease).

  39. Beancat*

    Tulio (my bitey kitten I mentioned last week) has taught himself to fetch. I throw his squeaky toy mouse and he rockets across the apartment to grab it, jumps onto the couch, and deposits it near me for more throwing. If I don’t throw it fast enough for him, he climbs into my lap or paws at me.

    Miguel (his brother) is the most affectionate cat I’ve ever had the pleasure of having. I was sad yesterday and scooped him up, and he started purring so hard and headbutted my face twice.

    I’m so happy to have cats again. :)

      1. Beancat*

        They really are! It’s been four years since I had cats and I’m so happy to have them now! :)

    2. GoryDetails*

      Aw, a retriever! I hadn’t had one of those for many years (and many cats), and then one of the black twin-cats I adopted last fall turned out to be a retriever. He’ll drag the bee-on-a-stick toy to the bedside and drop it in my lap when I’m reading late at night, and has started fetching the little glitter-balls to be thrown. And now his brother seems to be learning the same trick…

  40. Fikly*

    Wanted to share a lovely thing that happened the other day. Humans, not all bad!

    I’ve got two feet in casts, and move very slowly using one of those knee scooters. I was crossing the street where half the street was also the light rail tracks. A gust of wind blew my hat off my head, and all I could do was watch as it blew down the tracks.

    Even if I wanted to play chicken with potential trains, the tracks go over cobblestone, and there was no way I could make it down 30 feet of cobblestone, grab my hat, turn around, and go 30 feet back.

    A car started to go down the street, and I waited to see my hat blown over and get run over. Instead, the car stopped, pulled over, and a woman got out, grabbed my hat, and ran down to me to hand it to me.

    I thanked her profusely. It meant the world to me.

  41. Bostonian*

    All the cats in one picture! I thought it was a glorious feat to get all my cats in one shot when I had 3. :-D

    1. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I used to have four cats. They overlapped 15 years, and during that time, only twice was I able to get all four of them in a picture together.

  42. Birthday cake*

    It’s my birthday today and instead of buying a fruit and chocolate cake from a store, will make one because well.. covid19.

    I’m a decent baker who HATES frosting (cream cheese based, butter cream, fondant, etc). Whipped cream and ganache are okay.
    Anyone have any favorite recipes? Bonus points if it uses pastry flour because I found some leftover in my pantry the other day.

    Thanks.

    1. Ranon*

      How’s your cocoa powder supply? Black forest is my favorite whipped cream iced cake and you can swap the cherries for whatever chocolate friendly fruit you like. It’s worth stabilizing the whipped cream if you have access to any sort of stabilizer as it will help your cake stay a cake a bit longer. I use King Arthur flour’s recipes for everything and theirs for black forest cake is quite good.

      1. Hazy Days*

        I live a Black Forest cake and cooked one All For Me, so I’m seconding this. Felicity Cloake has a recipe in her Cook the Perfect series on the Guardian.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      This recipe made and awesome chocolate cake (also loved the coconut filling) but skip the frosting as it’s waaayyyy too sweet. I like a swiss meringue frosting, less sweet but has nice texture.

      https://cakebycourtney.com/german-chocolate-cake/

      Also, from Joy Of Baking

      To substitute cake flour for all-purpose flour use 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons cake flour for every cup of all-purpose flour. … Pastry flour is similar to cake flour, although it has not been chlorinated, with an 8-10% protein content and is made from soft wheat flour.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband’s birthday was a couple weeks after lockdown commencement, and he is a chocolate-and-cherry fan who does not like frosting. So I made him the When Cherry Met Sally cake from AAM posts past – a boxed chocolate fudge cake mix, the required number of eggs from the box, and a can of cherry pie filling, mixed together and baked in a bundt per the box instructions. It’s really good and doesn’t need any sort of frosting.

      It’s also really tasty with a spice cake mix and apple pie filling, though my mom requested chopped walnuts added in the next time for crunch and texture. Lemon with blueberry tasted really good, but looks bizarre, kind of green, and took twice as long to bake because of the extra liquid in the blueberry pie filling. White cake with strawberry is next on my list to try, maybe even this week.

    5. BRR*

      Not a cake but a banana cream tart. Pastry flour will make a flaky crust. I love one that Layers chocolate, caramel, pastry cream, bananas, and topped with whipped cream but you could always leave that off if it’s not your jam.

    6. Reba*

      King Arthur flour has a great black forest cake on their website.

      I love a lemon or orange olive oil cake with plain whip or little zest in the whip.

      I am super into ginger. My favorite cakey dish I’ve ever done was a strongly flavored ginger cake, a cardamom apple compote
      from Alice Medrich, with fluffy whipped cream in a kind of trifle situation. Heaven.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Not a recipe per se, but I really really want to make a plaid cake. There’s a marvelous tutorial for this online, a red/orange/chocolate plaid in a tree trunk complete with axe, but that’s a bit more elaborate than I’d aim for at present – I’m thinking more of a pound-cake shape, in shades of brown so I could use vanilla, chocolate, and maybe a cinnamon for the in-between shade. The slices of cake are assembled with thin layers of ganache to hold them together, and while I’d probably add buttercream to the outside, that could be a simple chocolate glaze or dusting of confectioner’s sugar.

    8. Parenthetically*

      WHIPPED ganache is the only frosting I enjoy. It’s just what it says — make a 1:1 ganache with your preferred darkness of chocolate, cool it, then whip it until satiny and fluffy.

      1. Ranon*

        Whipped ganache is so good. I like the process of making it better, too, no powdered sugar everywhere

    9. 00ff00Claire*

      If you don’t like regular frosting, there’s something called seven minute frosting or sea foam icing. You whip egg whites, boil sugar in water, and then drizzle that syrup into the egg whites. So, it’s essentially a meringue. You add butter to it to get a buttercream icing (I think Italian buttercream). But you can frost with just the meringue and not make it buttercream. I think it tastes like marshmallows or marshmallow fluff. You can leave it as is or put your cake back in the oven to toast (brûlée?) the meringue. However, it can separate so it doesn’t hold up for long, and you have to keep the cake refrigerated. They say you can add cream of tartar to keep it from separating, but I have not tried that myself. Also, for vegan or if you don’t trust the egg whites will cook (the hot syrup is supposed to cook them though) you can substitute aquafaba (liquid from can of chickpeas) for the eggs and it will work.

    10. fposte*

      When you say buttercream, do you mean the confectioner’s sugar-based stuff or do you mean the kind where hot sugar syrup cooks the egg yolks? Because I think there’s a world’s difference between those two. I would say the latter is much more like ganache. I use Rose Levy Beranbaum’s Neoclassic Buttercream recipe (which she’s posted on her blog) and I usually make raspberry, with Beranbaum’s mixture of uncooked and slightly cooked frozen raspberries to make puree. It’s so good that I’ll freeze extra for later and then eat chunks of it plain.

      It’s a little more complicated than the confectioner’s sugar version, but oh, so worth it.

    11. Generic Name*

      I also hate frosting, but I love seven-minute icing. It uses cream of tartar and I think egg whites? It’s a type of meringue, I believe

    12. chocky biccie*

      Jellyroll cake with whipped cream (aka yule log). Thin sponge with jam and whipped cream. So many flavour varaiations.

    13. JKP*

      My family calls it Pina Colada Cake:
      Yellow cake mix or recipe
      When you pull it out of the oven, while still hot, poke holes all over and pour 1 can sweetened condensed milk over the cake, and let it soak in.
      Once cool, top with canned crushed pineapple, whipped cream, and shredded coconut.

    14. Wishing You Well*

      No icing recipes, but an alternative topping is powdered sugar. You can get fancy by putting a paper doily on the cake first, sprinkling powdered sugar on the cake top and carefully removing the doily. It makes a really nice design on the cake! Pastry flour could do the same thing without adding sweetness.
      I hope your baking turns out well!

    15. Koala dreams*

      Sponge cake layers (vanilla, lemon or chocolate flavour), whipped cream, fresh or canned fruit. Decorative chocolate sauce or sprinkle.

      For chocolate cake, I like the Sacher cake. Put the jam in the middle and the chocolate layer on top of you think the traditional way is too difficult.

    17. Avasarala*

      Jenny Can Cook has lots of “healthier” sweets recipes, using pastry flour.
      https://www.jennycancook.com/recipes/

      Also what about a tres leches cake? That’s great with whipped cream. I like the recipe from Jauja cocina mexicana, the video is in Spanish but there is an English recipe in the comments.

  43. nep*

    Throwing together a WordPress site for my fitness content.
    Who knows a lot about putting video into webpages? I gather it’s best to have my videos on another platform and embed them…YouTube or Vimeo better? (I wanted to use Vimeo, but it looks like it would be pretty expensive to do what I want to do.) I know I sound like a complete dork as these things are like breathing to a lot of people…but I’m learning. And having a blast at it.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I think the only benefit to hosting elsewhere and then embedding is potential storage and bandwidth costs. If you host with WordPress, I don’t think they charge you for bandwidth, but they do for storage. If you host your WordPress site on any other host, you’ll almost certainly have to pay for both storage and bandwidth. YouTube doesn’t charge for bandwidth or storage—you can upload as many videos as you want. You may even potentially get some ad revenue out of views on your videos.

    2. Jonah*

      Vimeo typically has better quality more consistently, but it can affect load times negatively as a result. I’d say it’s a toss-up, so pick whichever one you personally prefer and are comfortable using. You can always control test them before your site goes live. Upload identical videos at both places, embed on identical pages, and see how they look/play/load. Check a couple different browsers, and clear your cache to ensure you’re getting the first time visitor experience.

    3. Not A Girl Boss*

      I upload my videos to YouTube and embed them on WordPress and it works flawlessly. People don’t have to go to YouTube to watch, they watch right on my website. Plus that way it’s free to get started and you can pay to upgrade when you’re ready. And I’ve actually gained wordpress followed from YouTube, so there is a benefit to having the video “in two places.”
      Another thing to keep in mind is that a lot of workplaces block access to Vimeo but not YouTube.

  44. Liane*

    My son introduced us to the anime Cells At Work this week, on Funimation. I love it! It features very anthropomorphized red and white blood cells & does a good job of explaining what they do. Parents who need science homeschool resources — here you go! Middle school & up, as it goes from adorable to very (cartoon) violent in seconds.
    But it’s great as just entertainment too. It follows a very ditzy red blood cell & the knife-wielding white blood cell who fights off the pathogens she runs into. The characters are great. Red blood cells are depicted as young men and women messengers whose uniform includes a red beret that looks very much like a real erythrocyte and platelets are a squad of “cuuuute!” kindergarteners apparently led by a first or second grader. My favorites are the Macrophages –sweet, giggly, delicate anime girls in Victorian white nurse gowns, aprons & mobcaps who viciously wield oversized melee weapons, from axes to wooden mallets. Must. Do. Macrophage. Cosplay!

    ****One warning– the influenza episode might be triggering for some people right now.****

    1. Torrance*

      It’s such a good series! I’m so excited for the next season (coming next year T_T).

      If you’re interested in more details about the medicine, a NHS doctor, Ed Hope of Dr Hope’s Sick Notes, has a series on YouTube where he’s watching episodes and explaining/highlighting things. I recommend it to anyone who loves Cells at Work because he’s a genuine fan of the show and is just wholesome af.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I LOVE ED HOPE!! And I also love his Cells at Work series, which turned into a weeaboo XDDDDD
        Too bad the current crisis forced him to take a more educational/vlog turn, cause he’s a cinnamon roll.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Yes! I read the manga first, but the anime is excellent. And yes, the platelets are lethally adorable – and pretty badass too.

      And I’ll second the recommendation for Dr. Hope’s Sick Notes. (Thanks, Torrance – I think it was your recommendation in a previous thread that got me hooked on Dr. Hope in the first place!) His comments on the medical aspects of the series are informative and often hilarious, and he’s done other medical shows as well. [And lately he’s been doing a much more serious series about his experiences in the ER during the current crisis, with interviews with colleagues – including one who constructs fabulous LEGO models of the hospital and ICU.]

    4. Bookslinger in My Free Time*

      My kids love Cells at Work. You might also enjoy Moyashimon- it’s a slightly more grown up geared anime about a college student who can “see” microbes. You learn a lot about bacteria, viruses, yeast, and fermented food & drink.

  45. pugs for all*

    Anyone have any recommendations for online games to play with family/friends via zoom or any other way? I tried to download some games from You Don’t Know Jack that had been recommended but by OS is too old.

    1. GoryDetails*

      My family’s been urging me to play Drawful, which does sound rather fun; haven’t tried it yet, but will report back if I do.

        1. Anon-a-souras*

          I agree! We’ve been playing it with family. Only one person needs to have the paid version, by the way.

    2. Reba*

      Jackbox games are maybe the simplest — if everyone has a smartphone. Players play in the browser on your phone, and someone hosts the game on their pc or video game console, and can screen share the main screen.

      We have been using board game arena too. It helps if some member of the group has a subscription to the site (some games are free, some premium, but only one member of the group needs a subscription).

      It’s all played in the browser.

    4. Anon5775*

      I’m pasting my answer from last week, it’s not an online based game, but you can play via Zoom: I have a probably little known game called Bring Your Own Book, but you don’t need the cards to play, you could make it up yourself. It’s like Apples to Apples where there is a prompt and then instead of everyone else choosing a card to fit that prompt, you have a pile of your own books in front of you and you have 1 min to find the best answer you can in a book. So, I sent out prompts ahead of time by taking pictures of some of the cards and emailing them to my sisters, but you can also just think up your own. They can be things like “what an alien would say”, “tag line for horror movie”, “name for a pet pig”, “found in a textbook”, “words from a Christmas carol”, etc. And then the other players and answers in their books. I had the timer and a score sheet and we just took turns being “it” (the reader of the prompt and chooser of the best answer) while on Skype. It worked pretty well and you can even have kids play if you make the prompts at their level.

    5. Oxford Comma*

      Jackbox is a lot of fun.
      There’s Cards Against Humanity online.
      Virtual escape rooms?

    6. Ron McDon*

      Spy fall is our family favourite – one of you is a spy and the others have to guess who the spy is. It’s a really good strategy game but also great fun.

  46. Cat Furniture*

    I found what I believe to be a great deal on a cat tree at Costco. It seems to be better made than most I find.

    It looks like this, except the carpet seems to be better quality & the medium height post on the right is covered in a heavy duty material suitable for scratching. Bottom level is squared, not round.

    https://www.rakuten.com/shop/cheapees/product/7894/

    They had a lot of different colors available. Priced at 67.99 + tax.

    I scarfed up one in gray tones & the kitties love it.

    1. No Tribble At All*

      I’ve had a Costco cat tree for 5 years now! It’s very sturdy. Granted my largest cat is 12lbs but I highly recommend it :)

    2. Cat Furniture*

      Thanks for the comment, Tribble! Glad to know that it has lasted so long.

      I get so excited when I find a great product at a good price. I have known about these for a while, but they are usually sold out by the time I have the $. This time, the planets aligned.

      I found the supplier’s website. http://beatrisepet.com/ I think they are in the southeast US – maybe Alabama, IIRC.

      The one I got was in their catalog (under Cat Trees): Item #BP190 Deluxe Kitty Suite UPC# 852568001902 23 x 24 x 68

    3. NewReadingGlasses*

      Hey! We bought the tree you are referring to back in late January. Our cats absolutely adore the tube with the hole in the side. There nearly always one in it or on top of it. The carpet part does lose some fibers, but not too bad. We have 4 cats, so it gets some wear.

      We also have another Costco cat tree that is 14 years old. We’ve replaced the sisal rope and should redo the carpet on it, but it’s otherwise still fine, and also quite popular.

  47. LeahS*

    It’s my first time on the weekend free for all! That’s kind of all I have to say. Helloooo everyone.

  48. HannahS*

    HannahS got married! As restrictions slowly tightened in our part of Canada several weeks ago, my fiancé and I read the writing on the wall, called off our upcoming June wedding, called our rabbi, and got married with just four people in a field: Us two, the rabbi, and the friend who introduced us as the second witness. It was stripped down, but beautiful, in its way.

    2. HannahS*

      And, I should add, complied fully with both the law and with recommendations at the time.

    10. WellRed*

      The NY Times in Easter had a lovely section on people who had pandemic weddings, complete with photos. It made my week. Congratulations?

    15. Aurora Leigh*

      Congrats! I was wondering how your wedding planning was going these days. We’re planning a backyard wedding with just a handful of people now as well.

      1. HannahS*

        Thanks! Yeah, we got super lucky; because we went outside of the glitz-n-glam wedding industry, we didn’t put large deposits on anything. We got back our deposit from the photographer, the wedding venue (my synagogue) was free, our caterers were a local restaurant who didn’t require a deposit until a few weeks before the event, so we were good. The only money that’s really lost was a modest 150$ deposit on a DJ. I bought some poles and volun-told my fiance to build a chuppah, whipped up a dress out of the fabric I had bought to practice sewing one with, and threw a lace curtain over my head for a veil. We hope we’ll celebrate with family and friends when this is over, and while I’m pulling for it being a rockin’ Chanukah party, I worry that it’ll take so long that it won’t be until we have, like, our second child.

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          That sounds really beautiful! I’m so glad you were able to pull it all together!

          We were luckily in the same boat as far as planning a casual wedding — all we lost was the $75 we paid to rent the shelter at the state park — content to consider that a donation to the parks dept. I have some decorations and things, but I’m hopeful to use them for a reception at some point.

    19. Bluebell*

      Mazel tov! Maybe you can do a series of ZOOM sheva brachot? Wishing you two much happiness.

  49. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Is anyone else at their wits’ end with all the pandemic-themed commercials?

    Can’t all the companies doing them (Walmart, McDonald’s, Dove, Amazon, Facebook, so many others) put all the money they’re spending on advertising and music rights toward *finding a cure for this thing* (or inventing a time machine) instead?

    It got to the point where the other day, “Heroes” by David Bowie came on my phone (being played nonstop now in a Walmart commercial) and I forwarded to the next song. My wife: “You can’t skip past David Bowie.” And yet, here we are. Sigh

    1. nep*

      I like your idea of putting all the resources toward research instead of advertising.
      I haven’t seen/heard any of them.

    2. Alex*

      Seriously. Every single commercial is sappy music + “In these uncertain times……..” + some really roundabout way their company is “trying to keep your family safe.”

      If I hear that one more time I’m going to scream!

    3. WellRed*

      oMG, all these companies saying “we are here for you.” Just so you’ll spend money on their products.

    4. Natalie*

      We cancelled our cable. I have enough damn streaming services to cover anything that might be on cable, there’s no sports, and if I want to catch the news or my governors press conferences I prefer public radio anyway.

      I will say, this is definitely not a new phenomenon. If you ever happen to see a WWII era magazine, *every single ad* is war themed, and there are lots of ads for companies that were making zero consumer products during the war.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        You don’t find that you get the ads anyway on the streaming services? Cable is the worst offender (I’ll admit that we like cable, even though it’s lots of $$$) but the ads still come through on Hulu and on YouTube. We don’t Netflix, but isn’t that an ad-based service as well?

        3. Dan*

          For whatever reason, I don’t get stuck with pandemic youtube ads. Besides, most of my ads allow me to skip them, so very few am I actually forced to watch.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      I have never been more grateful to not have network/cable TV!

      But yeah, I think it would have me seeing red. Stop with the platitudes, put your money where your mouth is, and give your employees paid sick leave, decent insurance, and as much protection as is feasible when they are working.

      Never mind putting money to finding a cure, put money to keeping your employees alive and healthy!

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        The thing is, I think it’s still going to get a lot worse. The charities have not started doing pandemic-themed ads yet, as far as I can tell. It’s bad enough that we have Walmart, McDonalds et al doing it. Just wait until we have the COVID-themed Shriners Hospital for Children ads, Smile Train, all the “animals are suffering” ads etc. etc…

        One thing is that the AARP commercial that drove me crazy has now become kind of sadly amusing. “I enrolled at 7:02, I scored discount movie tickets at 7:53, I got discount concert tickets at 8:21, I made an appointment with a financial adviser at 8:46…” Can’t do that anymore, can’t do that, can’t do that, can’t do that either.

    8. fposte*

      I liked Chrissy Teigen’s tweet: “does anyone know if we will get through this together or not? or if these times are certain or uncertain? no one letting me know”

    9. Dan*

      I don’t do TV, so I’m spared that misery.

      But the thing that’s been driving me nuts are all of these “Company X’s Statement on COVID-19” that I get. They’re usually multiple paragraphs that say nothing informative. If they do, the TL;DR can be summed in one or two bullets and nobody ever does that. So I’m finding myself skimming paragraphs of blah-blah-blah and wondering WTF are you even trying to tell me?

      1. Generic Name*

        “We are monitoring the situation closely. Please continue to spend money on our products/services”

    10. Pieforbreakfast*

      Yeah, I read an interview with an ICU RN and she was like “Walmart if you truly support health care workers and first responders you would do everything possible to protect your workers so they don’t need us, not make self-congratulatory commercials”. Right on.

    11. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I have seen so many ads for funeral services and life insurance. I don’t know if that’s just the demographic that watches old episodes of Star Trek or if it’s always that way.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        That actually hasn’t changed because of COVID-19–it’s always been that way! The higher you up you get in the cable channels, the more of those commercials seem to air.

    12. Fikly*

      Yeah, all the companies using covid to try to drive business their way really bothers me.

      Not that I’m surprised at all, mind.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t watch TV except on Hulu, but I’ve been getting themed emails from Vistaprint. They’re selling face masks now. They’re nice, but they want $20 for them! Plus, they’re the kind you can put a filter in, and they’re saying “Use a new one each time” so they can push a 10-pack of filters for $10. I’m over here like, pffft, buy one and just use a coffee filter. Nobody has any money, dude.

  50. Zoom exercise*

    Has anyone been taking Zoom exercise classes? I am thinking of it for some variety, but wonder about my set-up at home, and mostly, will my cats behave? they usually come and check me out, play with the mat, attack my feet and other playful things whenever I exercise. Any tips if you have been doing it?

      1. Zoom exercise*

        Yes! The latest was when the smallest one would go in and out of under me as I was doing push-ups and would be very “upset” every time I went towards the mat, pushing her out.

    2. puffle*

      My taekwondo class is currently via Zoom- bit of a learning curve but I’m starting to get the hang of it. My main tips would be:

      -give yourself plenty of time to set up your space. Is there anything in the way? Anything you might trip over like loose cables?

      -likewise give yourself time before the class starts to get your device set up and logged in, and make sure it’s somewhere you can see it/ it won’t fall over

      -if you can, shut the cats in another room! I banish my cat beforehand- much safer that way (she is a menace)

      -if that’s not possible, do you have any toys that they’re happy to play with by themselves/ a cat tree they can sit in/ someone else who can distract them for half an hour?

      1. puffle*

        Actually thinking about it my cat doesn’t like the noise/ movement when I exercise, so she normally banishes herself anyway

      2. Zoom exercise*

        This is super helpful! My living room seems to be awash in cables now that I am working from home.

    3. annakarina1*

      My Muay Thai gym is doing Zoom workouts, where the trainers are teaching at home. It’s different because we can’t do partner work, and I can’t do the jumping moves as much because I have downstairs neighbors and don’t want to be annoying. The calisthenics and weight workouts are good, as is shadowboxing to keep our muscle memory fresh. I’m happy they are doing it, it’s a good workout for an hour. It just doesn’t exhaust me like regular class because I can’t jump as much or get worn out punching and kicking with a partner.

      I also have to be more careful when I throw kicks, because I do not have the space or the right floor environment to do big roundhouse kicks like usual, it more comes out like a snapping kick to avoid hitting anything.

    5. Tris Prior*

      Haha, my office is the best place for me to stream my workouts, and it also happens to be the location of one of our litterboxes. And, it has no door. My cats really enjoy taking enormous dumps while I am working out, and they think my yoga mat makes an excellent scratcher. I also accidentally kicked Girl Kitty during one of my dance fitness classes, had no idea she was right behind me. No tips other than, look before you move?

  52. sled dog mama*

    Anybody else feel like staying home and wearing a mask when out has helped their allergies?
    I don’t really get the runny nose watery eyes allergy symptoms. I get some minor sinus swelling and a sinus infection every year, to the point that I go to the doctor and they are like ah the annual sinus infection. So far this year no sinus infection and I think the mask has made the difference

    1. nep*

      Interesting. Glad you’re getting some relief. Makes sense.
      I reckon we’ll see fewer cases of flu and other infections the longer we continue the mask-wearing, physical distancing, and extra hand-washing.

      1. Parenthetically*

        The head of our department of health in my state showed a year-by-year comparison of flu cases from the 2018/19 and 2019/20 flu seasons, and the March numbers look like they fell off a cliff compared to last year. Of course March numbers are lower compared to the rest of the season anyway, but hand-washing, masks, and staying home… like, actually work for all transmissible illness and not just the Rona!

        1. LQ*

          Yeah, but honestly if you’re going to tell me I can never hug anyone again, never touch anyone again, never come within 6 feet of anyone again… I’m not sure I can make it.

          I get that we are getting sick less. And if no one ever interacted with another human we wouldn’t get the flu or any communicable disease. But we would all die and we wouldn’t continue on at all as a species because babies require us to touch each other.

          And I’m not exaggerating much. Right now if we keep up with the protocols we have, which to your point is what it took to get the drop off in flu numbers. No one will touch me until I am dead. No one will come within 6 feet of me until it’s to deal with my dead body.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Well, nobody is saying you can’t ever hug anyone again. We’ll get back to normal. The reduction in flu cases has been, by all accounts, dramatic and sudden, because of the dramatic steps we’ve taken. But we can achieve significant reductions in deaths with far less — I’ve read estimates that we could reduce flu deaths by 20% just with proper hand-washing.

            1. LQ*

              But you are talking about the drop off for what happened when we shut down the world, not when we started washing our hands better. We have to talk about realistic numbers, not shut down numbers.

              1. Parenthetically*

                I’m not sure you’re reading me correctly. I’m definitely not saying, “Look, this is amazing, we should always do exactly what we are currently doing,” I’m saying “Isn’t this an interesting side effect of what we’re currently doing” + “We could implement some of these behaviors (hand-washing, cleaning, and masks) on an ongoing basis and it would make a significant difference.”

          2. A New Normal*

            There might be a bit of room between where we were with SO MANY PEOPLE being just so gross about not washing hands, touching their faces, coughing or sneezing into their hands at best, not to mention our awful health care system that meant a lot of people went to work sick and were sicker for longer, and where we are now. I’m pretty sure we can go back to hugging and being in the same room as others without being quite the little disease vectors we’ve been.

            1. LQ*

              Talking about the health care and people going into work sick is a really interesting point and one that weirdly I don’t feel like I hear about much.

              Part of that is, I think, that essential employees are still doing it more than they should, because they are essential, because there’s never going to be enough slack in the workforce to handle something like this. But could there be enough slack in the workforce to handle regular flu season staying home? Or enough insurance and support through other means for employees or employers?

            2. Fikly*

              Well, the health care system isn’t the only reason people go to work sick.

              The other side of it is an utter lack of sick days, and for those who have sick days, a massive pressure from society or their employer not to take them.

              1. Old and Don’t Care*

                And because, like the coronavirus, many illnesses are contagious before people feel sick.

        2. Not A Girl Boss*

          This is interesting. I’ve wondered myself if this shutdown will cause a lot of other bugs to “die off” sooner. Like, even after social distancing ends, will there just be so many less infectious people around that we are less likely to come in contact with infections, and therefore less likely to get sick regardless of hand washing?
          I really have no idea how it works – how long it takes for “new” flu strains to emerge and all that. But I’ve been curious.

          Personally I can directly trace all my illnesses in the past 3 years to **** coworkers coming in sick like it’s some kind of badge of honor, so if nothing else I’m hoping that’s no longer socially acceptable.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        It struck me that we should be using some of the precautions every flu season, not just when we are terrified. But we’d have to create a culture of, “wash your hands” and “use sanitizer” and “wipe things down”.
        I saw a lot of this growing up, but with each decade more and more fell by the wayside.

    2. Katefish*

      It’s really helped when walking in the neighborhood, I think. We have a lovely spring shooting pollen everywhere.

    3. Not A Manager*

      It could be due to the mask and staying home, but another factor might be significantly reduced air pollution.

      1. allathian*

        This. And microparticles in the air are still continuing to kill more people than COVID-19.

    4. Retail not Retail*

      My doctor was like please please please wear a mask for your allergies when you’re doing work that kicks up triggers. That is most of it right now, except for pulling weeds.

      I’ve tried a paper dusk mask and it breaks or won’t let my glasses clear up. Tried a horizontal type cloth mask and i had to get it just so to not fog up my glasses and this got harder as the day went on.

      Yesterday I did the cup style fabric one and i had to wear it like 20 minutes waiting to start so my glasses were good. Then I got the busted mower and worked super hard in the heat and humidity and had to rip it off. Then I wiped the sweat/condensation off and ruined any health benefits.

      We had such a stupid mild winter. Last spring wasn’t this bad.

  53. Annie Oakley*

    What motivated your child to stop pooping in their pants?

    My 3.5 year old keeps pooping in his pants. He knows when he has to go (he has a special place he goes when he’s about to poop). If I see him go to his special place, I can take him to the potty and he will go on the potty without a fuss. No amount of bribery/praise/special treats are enough incentive to go to the potty on his own. I have a baby as well so I’m not always able to catch him when he needs to go.

    Any ideas for motivation?

    1. Pennyworth*

      Is there some big thing he really, really wants? I had friends years ago with a similar problem with their son and part of the solution was letting him earn it though getting ‘stars’ on a chart for every successful poop in the potty. It was a big chart! The other strategy was leaving him to experience the unpleasantness of poopy pants for a while before cleaning him up each time. Can you break down the potty journey into stages and start by getting him to just do the very last little bit on his own while you watch? Then the last 2 stages,and so on, all under your supervision but with him managing himself. The final step would be him going by himself.

      1. Annie Oakley*

        Great idea with the chart! I was thinking of setting out a cool new toy that he could earn by using his potty for a week (or whatever), but he doesn’t really get the idea of days/weeks. Filling up a chart with stickers will definitely help give him the visual of when he earns the prize.

    2. Jules the First*

      One of Slate’s parenting blogs had the genius suggestion of underpants inside pullups. Less mess for you, but kid still gets to experience the inconvenience of poopy pants.

      Another thing you could try is putting a portable potty in his special poop place and see if he’ll use that.

      1. Annie Oakley*

        I saw that and I thought it was an amazing idea for containing pee messes. Unfortunately, he doesn’t care if there is poop in his underwear.

        I’ve thought about putting the portable potty where he likes to go, except the baby thinks it is really fun to play in, so I’d have to disinfect it well after each use.

    3. Anon for this*

      I have a kid with autism who was like this. We tried everything, read everything, talked to the doctor. Finally, on advice found in a book about potty training kids with special needs, we figured out about when he was going to need to go, sat him on the potty dragged the tv into the bathroom (this was before smartphone and tablets were a thing) put on a a favorite movie of his and told him he wasn’t leaving until he’d pooped. He cried, complained, I felt like maybe this was child abuse. But it worked. Turned out he was afraid of pooping on the potty, that it felt weird. Once he saw it wasn’t that bad, he picked it up quickly.

    4. 00ff00Claire*

      When he does go in his underwear, who cleans him up? I know he’s not old enough to do the job well, but could you start having him clean himself or he needs to take a bath to clean up? The idea being to make it more inconvenient to go in his pants than the toilet, NOT to make it a punishment. You have to be pretty matter of fact about it all and be calm about the cleanup, so if doing so would create lots of drama, I wouldn’t use this tactic. Alas, this tactic is also not just more hassle for him but for you as well. But if incentives aren’t working, inconvenience might be more motivating for him.

      Another idea is if there’s regulatory to when he’s going, to start taking scheduled bathroom breaks as part of your daily routine and be sure to include the pooping window as one of the breaks. I would recommend several breaks, not just the pooping time break so that it doesn’t become a thing about pooping. Once kids potty train they may not be going to the bathroom as often as they should if they are just self regulating the breaks so more breaks for pee wouldn’t hurt.

      Also, as annoying as it is, it’s better for him to be pooping in his pants than holding it. So approach any method you use matter of factly and keep your own frustrations about it and personal timelines for him mastering the skill in check. Barring any developmental delays that impact his self care skills, it’s not likely he’s going to go off to college without using the toilet.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        +1 to making pant-pooping way less convenient than potty-pooping.

        You can increase the convenience differential by heavily incentivising potty use. When we had a similar issue with our youngest (but it was #1 and #2) the paediatrician promptly and simply advised us to give him a chocolate button Every Single Time he produced something on the potty. Sticker charts hadn’t worked for him, but the immediate gratification of a chocolate button did.

        So compare minor inconvenience of interrupting your game to go over to the potty and then get told what a clever child you are and get a mouthful of candy and a shiny sticker on the chart … vs having a sneaky poop behind the curtain and having Sad Tired Mommy disappointedly taking you all the way to the bathroom and you have to take all your clothes off yet again for yet another shower and yet more drying and have to put your own stinky clothes in the hamper afterwards and then get dressed again and your episode of Paw Patrol has finished and you’ll never get to learn how Marshall got the itty bitty chick down from the weathervane…

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Having to clean up the mess himself worked for one of my brothers. Suddenly it was easier to use the toilet than do all that work. The next brother, however, rather enjoyed swishing the soiled underwear in the toilet to clean it off. All depends on the kid, so if one doesn’t work after a fair try, give another one a go.

    5. IntoTheSarchasm*

      In the moment one time, I asked him to help me clean his dirty underwear which involved some scraping and scrubbing. I didn’t make a big deal of it, just said it was something that had to be done, lightly implied that he could prevent it by going in the toilet. He thought it was super gross and never pooped his pants again. This was after he resumed “accidents” after using the toilet for a while so I knew he could do it. It was spur of the moment, not a thought out plan, so maybe not a recommended method, but it strangely enough worked. He is 26 now so I am not current on potty training wisdom.

    7. J. F.*

      Friend, my youngest child is 5 and I have mercifully forgotten even though the middle kid did this, but I’m just here to remind you that 3.5 is truly peak “who stole my sweet baby and replaced them with this evil gremlin ” age and part of the problem is that 3-year-olds are the worst. Good luck!

      1. Annie Oakley*

        Thank you for sending good vibes! This is totally true. There were no terrible-twos. Three, however, has been a struggle.

    8. Not A Girl Boss*

      Yesterday I was fighting with my puppy ordering her to “go potty outside” and my Google home decided to seranade us with the greatest song ever. The chorus was “I want to poo poo poo poo on the potty” and the refrain was “no, I don’t want to use my diaper anymore, I’m a big kid.”
      So apparently there are songs out there that teach kids it’s cool and grown up to use a potty? Any chance that would motivate him?

      1. Annie Oakley*

        LOL, that is too funny! Definitely will have to look into songs/videos and give them a try!

      2. 00ff00Claire*

        That reminds me, have you tried books? Everyone Poops is a classic but there are plenty of others.

    9. Ron McDon*

      My friends son did this many years ago (he’s 20 now!) and she just took his underwear off when he was at home so he didn’t have anything to poo ‘into’.

      He started using the toilet straightaway.

      My children didn’t really use potties, we went straight to using the toilet, might he prefer using the toilet to a potty?

      Otherwise, I can confirm reward charts work like magic for the majority of kids!

      Good luck; I know it seems like this stage is interminable but it’ll be over so soon :)

  54. Green Mug*

    Does anyone have experience renting an apartment online without being able to look at it first? Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you.

    1. Reba*

      I did this!

      My suggestion is to make sure you’re looking at details for the exact place you’re getting.

      The snag that we had was learning upon move in that the photos we had seen were not of the exact unit, but of another one of that same “category” of unit (e.g. 1 bed updated at some point). The layout of the unit whose photos we had seen would work; the unit we signed for would not!

      It’s a large building and so amazingly, they had a unit like the one we wanted also available, and we managed to get switched into it. Leading to more hassles like changing the power and internet and so on from one address to another.

    2. acmx*

      Maybe ask the leasing agent to do a video walk through of your actual unit and where the building is located on the property? My apartment (which I looked at in person) faces a pretty busy street. You’d want to know that beforehand.

      Ask if they charge for switching to a different floor plan or building like as Reba experienced.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        I second this. I’ve done a lot of site unseen rentals because I move a lot for work, and there are just so many deal breakers you’d never even think to ask about that are carefully framed out of pictures. Plus there’s always a risk there literally is no apartment and it’s a scam. Or that the pictures are of a different apartment.

        I started requiring a FaceTime walkthrough that especially focused on: where I will park, what the walk to my apartment will look like, and what the view out my windows are.

        And of course, be very very certain that the apartment is located in a safe area.

        If it matters enough to you, you can also get a local realtor to go apartment hunt on your behalf, which can work out pretty well since they are likely to know the area better than you ever could, and are paid by you to find a good match.

    3. MistyMtn*

      Be careful! A friend of mine did that last year and the apartment they ended up renting had bed bugs. It was a very nice place in a large apartment complex, you would have never imagined bed bugs. They ended up paying thousands to replace their furniture and move to a new apartment. In hindsight they told me they wished they had just renewed their lease at the higher rate. That’s what I would suggest until things get better and you can see the apartments. Their experience was awful.

      1. MostCake*

        Me too. I once rented an apartment that they didn’t want to show me because the resident was very old and about to enter assisted living so they didn’t want to bother her, but assured me her unit was “just like this one,” which was immaculate. I showed up to move in and it turned out prior resident was senile with many, many incontinent dogs and birds and the whole place was saturated with urine and bird poop was splattered in places you wouldn’t believe. Plus the whole place was a neglected mess that hadn’t been properly updated or deep-cleaned in a decade. After much, much back and forth with management and many half-assed cleaning/abatement procedures, I just had to find a new place and break the lease. I remember trying to spend the night there once I’d been assured the carpets and drapes had been replaced and I couldn’t even breathe through my nose it was so bad. I took lots of photos and had lots of documentation so when threatened with all the “breaking a lease” screaming said I would gladly see them in court. I also successfully got my deposits back. Never again.

      2. theguvnah*

        if the bedbugs were already there most states have protections for tenants, was this in the US?

    4. Green Mug*

      Thank you to all. We found an apartment of interest. I love the Facetime idea. Hoping for the best, or at least, for no bed bugs or destruction. Thanks again!

    5. theguvnah*

      I did this! I actually saw the outside of the building and the neighborhood, but wasn’t able to get inside because I had to catch a flight. So I knew the neighborhood, which is a big part. But I had the leasing agent video herself walking through and it all turned out great.

  55. D3*

    I have a high school senior and a college senior who are both struggling with the anticlimactic end of their schooling this year.
    Anyone have any ideas for celebrating in the era of social distancing?

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      Car visits with friends? (ie, everyone stays in their cars but can still talk to each other)
      I’ve seen that some high schools are talking about drive-in graduation ceremonies.

      College sr’s harder, since their friends are remote, but is there some kind of signal of adulthood that you could share with them? In the US, maybe grown-up alcohol consumption (ie, a glass of wine with dinner, and a toast)? Doing taxes together? (just kidding!) But basically a ritual that says, ‘we see you as an adult now, welcome to the adult club’.

      1. allathian*

        This is a really interesting difference between Europe and the US. In my country the “welcome to adulthood” ceremony usually happens for your high-school graduation. My parents and our guests toasted me with champagne at our reception. We start school at 7 and graduate HS at 18 or 19, legal drinking age is 18. Granted, we also have free tuition up to and including master’s degrees, so college and university students are generally less financially dependent on their parents than in the US.

    2. sled dog mama*

      My nephew just turned 3 and his parents organized a zoom meeting for singing happy birthday and watching him blow out candles, then did an individual video call with family members for opening gifts. Maybe something like an small “graduation ceremony” for each with their friends invited via a video would be a way the recognize the accomplishment.

    3. Not A Girl Boss*

      I received a bunch of good old fashioned letters by snail mail from friends for my birthday, and it was really nice. Especially since they came in for a solid 2 week period, so each day was a nice surprise.

      Turned out my husband made a secret event on Facebook, posted our address, and invited friends to send the letters.

    1. Lady Jay*

      It’s . . . pretty canned, in a way that makes it hard to learn the language authentically. If you’re just starting out, I’d honestly suggest Duolingo to build up vocabulary. Then see if you can find a language club or group near you, to practice speaking; watch movies in the target language to practice hearing, etc.

      2. Daily Commuter*

        You can also use sites like italki.com to practice speaking. I’ve been using it lately for Spanish and it’s been very useful.

    2. Anonymato*

      Our library – in the US – let’s you get it (online) for free. Perhaps you can just try it that way?

  57. nep*

    In the Things I Should Have Done Long Ago files: Using WhatsApp.
    Many of my friends overseas mentioned it to me in the past couple of years, suggesting I get it so we could communicate more regularly. And I just never did.
    I’ve been concerned about my French taking a real hit because I don’t have occasion to use it where I am. But I always had it in my mind it was too expensive to talk with overseas friends regularly. I did use Skype occasionally with one friend, but most don’t use it.
    Yeah. WhatsApp. Yay.

    1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      It really is very handy. I have some misgivings due to concerns about Facebook etc but WhatsApp really does work well and it’s very easy to stay in touch.

      1. nep*

        Same–I’ve never been on FB. That was part of my reluctance each time I looked into getting WhatsApp. (Do you mean privacy concerns? That’s what I have in mind.) But it feels worth it. Just had a half-hour chat with a friend; that’s priceless. And I must say, for better or worse, I’ve taken the leap on a few things like that during the pandemic–things I’d hesitated to do pre-COVID.

  58. Nervous Nellie*

    Happy weekend, AAM friends! Happy/positive stuff thread!

    1) After a couple of weeks of playing phone tag, I reconnected with a former colleague and we had a deep & very comforting talk about life, the universe & everything. We never had time to develop a real friendship, and now we have all the time in the world.
    2) My list of things I am looking forward to when the world reopens is up to 100 items! I will use it as something of a bucket list when I can start to tackle it. All those restaurants to return to, the amazing state park near me that has an eagle cam going now (babies due any time!). So much to do when we come out of hibernation.
    3) From a safe distance I was chatting with a neighbor outside about how we will all feel when this is over, and his 9-year old daughter who was standing at his side shifted, snorted, and looked up at me with a very, very serious ‘well, duh’ look, and said, “Gratitude. There will be lots of gratitude.” It was so sweet I nearly started to cry.
    4) This week all the deciduous trees suddenly burst out their leaves, and although that means my allergies are terrible, there is a misty green glow on the murky, rainy days that is so beautiful.
    5) Lord & Lady Duck, early morning regular visitors in the fountain at my building today had to share it with an enormous seagull, who bathed so vigorously they looked like they were on the ocean in a bad storm. But they remained mild & peaceful, and so lovely to watch.

    And you all? What happy things have occurred for you this week? I hope there have been many.

    1. Anon5775*

      I live in a biggish city in a rural state, but until 3 days ago had never seen a pheasant in my yard. I hear that with less cars out and about, wild animals are venturing out more so it was neat to see a pheasant in the city. I’m also enjoying pictures of my niece, born Apr 2 in another state, and videos of her as well.

    2. Animal worker*

      Great thread. Made me think of things for my list. In no particular order, some good things in my world this week:

      – First Teams video meeting with my team – I’ve had lots of leadership and management related ones, but as a manager the first with my team who are on the front lines caring for the animals in our area of the zoo. Went really well, and will now be weekly for a half hour. Told everyone the two rules are 1) wear some types of clothing, 2) family/pets/etc. welcome as long as they know that we may discuss various topics like breeding, veterinary stuff, etc. during meetings
      – Buy one take one special at Olive Garden. I know some people don’t like them, but for basic comfort-food, I love it. The one near me closed a few years back and I rarely drive to the next closest, but I picked up food for myself and a neighbor (curbside) this week and it has been great.
      – The weather is warm enough to get me and my critters (parrots and a cat) outside on our screened porches, and not too hot to be uncomfortable – I hate hot weather, very much more of a fall/winter person. And perfect temps for cracking open an window overnight, love hearing the night sounds
      – Just scheduled two days off in a couple of weeks to work on a project for my dad’s 80th BD since I can’t travel to be with him – just knowing the extra days are coming up is stress-reducing. I still work full-time, split between zoo days and WFH days
      – Found a compromise solution to a potentially serious issue with a new exhibit we’re building
      – A neighbor was able to get me romaine hearts and coffee creamer on their store run, putting off my next needed one by at least a week
      – Dropped off two bags of food at a food pantry this morning on the way to work

    3. WellRed*

      I am on furlough this coming week. I have a to do list that I am looking forward to accomplishing, including batch cooking, the census and washing windows with an actual squeegee. I really need the time off work.

      1. Katefish*

        Currently furloughed and it’s been such a blessing in disguise for exactly the reasons you’re anticipating. Hope you enjoy the extra time!

    4. Wishing You Well*

      This made me smile: I was wearing a medical mask while buying wine and I was CARDED! Me!
      Apparently, the mask was even covering my wrinkly old neck, so Woohoo!

    5. Fikly*

      I just got a combo promotion and raise, which means that the apartment I moved into a few months ago is finally costing less than 50% of my income a month, and thus is almost sustainable. (I had a strong suspicion this was coming, though oof, was nervous, but didn’t have a lot of choice in apartment.)

      Then I reconcussed myself, and thought I was going to have to go on STD, which meant less than 40% of my income. Cue the panic. Now it’s looking like I’m going to be able to return to the thing we don’t talk about on weekends before I have to start STD, which means I don’t have to worry about money, and also, just really happy to be recovering from hitting my head again.

  59. Disco Janet*

    Our state’s stay at home order has been expected – not a surprise and it makes sense, but I’m feeling badly for my son whose 7th birthday is coming up. He had asked at least 6 months ago if, instead of a party or presents, we could do a trip to a local-ish theme park because he’s a budding coaster junkie who is finally tall enough to ride their big coaster, but now it looks like it will have to wait until next summer. And who knows if our family Disney vacation later this summer will happen. Blah.

    I’m thinking about splurging on his gift – we usually spend in the range of $50 for a gift plus a party. But I might buy him a Nintendo Switch. He’s so bored. The weather here is still chilly so outdoor activities are limited (I mean, he plays outside, but we can’t get out fun water toys or anything when the temperature is still below 50). And his toys, blocks, and Magna Tiles are getting old after over a month of not leaving our neighborhood.

    Open for suggestions for other ways to make an at home birthday special for a kid!

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      Minecraft, the game and books about it (fiction and instructional). I think my kid started when he was 7. He’s still playing it now, at 12.5yo.

      Bike?
      oooh – Llama zoom meeting, like they mentioned in the letters yesterday? I wonder if any of the cat rescues are doing them…

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        My kid has a switch, liked Super Mario Maker for a full year, but has gone back to Minecraft. No other Switch games have really caught his interest, but he’s not into fight or runner games much at all, he’s much more into interactive / social / creative stuff.

        Except for Geometry Dash. I forget what device that was on, but he still plays that once in a while.

    4. Washi*

      Just FYI, my husband really wanted to get a Switch at the very beginning of the pandemic and had a really hard time getting his hands on one! He went to a couple different stores that showed them in stock and each time it turned out they were actually out. (We just gave up in the end because things started getting more serious and it wasn’t essential.) Maybe it’s better now/just a problem in our urban area but you might want to give yourself lots of time to acquire it!

      1. Daily Commuter*

        There’s a nationwide shortage of Switches right now due to 1) factories in China being shut down in February because of Covid-19 which reduced stock 2) animal crossing came out last month 3) everyone is currently in quarantine and wants something to do. Also, resellers have been buying them up using bots and selling them on eBay for sometimes twice the cost, exacerbating the shortage. I managed to get one from Best Buy’s website about 2-3 weeks ago but it took a lot of trying. Check out the Nintendo Switch forum on Reddit for tips getting out. Good luck!

        1. Disco Janet*

          I was discussing this with a friend and she offered me her Wii she doesn’t use anymore – for now I’m going to stick with that and just buy him some cool Disney, Sonic, and racing games for it. Better choice financially for us and I think he’ll really like it, so I’m excited about that!

    5. chocky biccie*

      My daughter just had her 16th. We blew up ~ 100 balloons. 50 the night before, so when she got up in the morning, the living room had many balloons. 50 day of. we had fun playing volleyball inside, or batting the balloons around. Then we stuffed all the balloons in her rooms so she was wading through them for a week, or had to move them to and fro to use anything in her room.

    6. Stingless B*

      When my son turned 9 last week, I set up a scavenger hunt around the house/yard. Some clues led to presents, some were just jokes. It let us draw out the celebration a bit. The final “prize ” was a trip to his favorite local drive thru. Also, we did a zoom call with family to blow out the candles and sing. It made me sad to know it was all I could do, but he took it in stride.

    7. ECHM*

      Our local fire departments will do birthday drive-bys with lights and sirens upon request. Not sure if that’s available in your area? The other day I saw a yard sign “Honk, it’s my birthday” and apparently about 300 drivers complied. Maybe have his friends do a birthday parade or card shower?

  60. LossMom*

    As I’ve said before,I am the mother of a baby girl who died last summer after spending her life in the NICU. People are weird and awkward around infant loss, often because they just don’t know what to say or what not to. So I have decided to try to start sharing some suggestions on things that are and are not helpful, based on my experiences and those of some other loss parents I know. My goal is to share one unhelpful thing and one helpful thing each time I post.
    This week’s suggestion of an unhelpful statement is “heaven needed another angel.” This seems to be one of the more common platitudes shared with loss parents and many of us really struggle with it. There are all kinds of reasons for that, among them the idea that it’s acceptable for heaven to take my child for its own comfort. More importantly to me though, is that this is an example of the kind of statement that can shut down conversations and increase my sense of isolation. People mean to be comforting, but it feels like they’re saying that I shouldn’t really be sad because there’s a higher purpose to my daughter’s death or that I’m not allowed to be devastated now because things will somehow work out down the road. In fairness, I have heard some loss parents say this themselves and draw comfort from the idea. If this is the case, let the parent themselves signal that by being the first to say this. On the other hand, a heartfelt “this sucks” (with expletives if it works for your context) can be deeply comforting. On the day my daughter was dying a dear friend came to our hospital room to gather my daughter’s things and take them away so I wouldn’t have to look at them for a time. That friend gathered me up in a big hug and with tears choking her voice announced “this f****** sucks!” You know what? It did and it does. Having people just acknowledge the truth of that out loud helps give space for my own pain.

    4. The Francher Kid*

      Thank you again for sharing, I have found your insights immensely helpful. One of my favorite parish priests used to get furious at anyone who would say this to a grieving family (unless, as you pointed out, they chose to say it themselves).

      I am so sorry for your loss.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah. It fn sucks.

      I guess I don’t get out much because the first time I saw someone say this I was in my mid 40s. It’s so simple, so obvious and why don’t people just say it?
      I think in part because people cannot let go of the idea that somehow they should do something to “fix it”. But it can’t be fixed. So this stymies people, what do to, what to do….
      It’s very powerful when another human being can stand beside a person and say, “this sucks” and then stop talking. In that silence are volumes and volumes of words.

    7. Llama Face!*

      I’m glad to hear my go-to phrase is well-received by at least one person! I always felt slightly uncomfortable using “This really sucks!” or similar because it seemed almost like it was too flippant (because you can use the same phrase for leaving your coffee at home or other minor frustrations) but I also hated the stereotypical canned things people say in terrible situations.

      LossMom, I appreciate your posts on this topic; it is really helpful to hear what does or doesn’t provide comfort or caring to someone whose child has died (or who’ve had similar losses).

    8. KoiFeeder*

      Firstly, I apologize in advance if the comparison is gauche.

      But “heaven needed another angel” has always reminded me of that scene in Pet Sematary; “He’s my cat! He’s not God’s cat! God can get his own cat!” I certainly wouldn’t blame anyone for snapping back with something similar! “Heaven needed another angel” is a lovely-sounding platitude, but it really only serves the purpose of letting the person saying it feel like they’ve done something to help. It does nothing to acknowledge the grief and loss of the person who’s going through the horror of losing a child.

      This sucks. This sucks, and I am so sorry it happened.

    10. A human awake*

      I am glad to see your posts every week. Not only do I feel privileged for you to share with us , you’re also performing a very important service. You’re helping all the other loss moms out there by giving good guidance on what to say.

      Once again, I am so sorry for your loss

    11. sled dog mama*

      Yep, my pastor is the person who told me this and it helped so much to have her tell me.

  61. Seeking online friend group*

    Does anyone have any tips for how to find quality online communities, and make friends there? I’ve joined a few Discords relating to my interests (bands I like, YouTubers I follow, video games) but they haven’t really worked out as places I want to keep visiting. I’m kind of shy, and to be honest I’m not good at making friends. Idk if its the quarantine but I guess I just feel embarrassed and self-conscious that I didn’t make any friends in college or graduate school.

    You ever hear how some dogs (chihuahuas and farm breeds usually) are described as “one person dogs”? I feel like I’ve always been a “one person person”, with a significant other filling most of my social requirements. I do great hanging out alone, but I’m starting to feel that having some online friends might be nice too. I’m very good at making positive and friendly acquaintanceships, but getting into the friend stage is something I don’t really do. I’ve also never quite been interested in 1-on-1 hangouts, but don’t know how to cultivate or find a friend group. Sorry for the rant, but if anyone has a suggestion or even some red flags/interesting stories about online communities I’d appreciate hearing from you!

    1. Anon for this*

      I have a bunch of friends I’ve made from watching gaming streams on Twitch. You mentioned Discord, have you checked out Twitch for that? I’ve made online friends from various fandoms over the years. I have a friend I made about 15 years ago who I met on the Jane Austen Republic of Pemberley site! He was driving through my city and we met at a Tim Hortons. He’s a really cool guy and I even got invited to his wedding.

      There are some horror stories. Fandoms typically have a few nuts. Just like in real life there are people who like to control things. One woman I met virtually has about 5 sockpuppet accounts which she uses to pump up her own fanfiction and to trash that of other people. Never met her in person and I don’t want to. Also, I believe someone wrote to this site about her in a work capacity!

      In general, I recommend hanging back for a while and getting a sense of who people are. You can be friendly without being friends. You can be cautious about offering up real life info or by being very general. After a while, you get a sense of who people are.

    2. I like turtles!*

      You might not know you’ve found a quality online friend group until you’ve been there a while. I feel lucky to have found at least two of them, and I’ve been in them for going on twenty years now. They both center around personal interests, and both of those interests were connected to at least annual events, so I have met a few people from these communities face to face.

      Both communities are moderated thoughtfully – differences of opinion happen, disagreements happen, and outright trolls get moderated and the boot if they can’t be civil community members.

      One community has several thousand members from all over the world, so I get many individual international perspectives which has actually professionally helped me get over this unconscious USA-centeredness I’ve developed from living my whole life in one corner of the USA.

      Once I found them, as another somewhat solitary and shy person, I’d read a lot, and contribute a little, then a little more. I get to know them, and I let them get to know me. More as I felt like I enjoyed how people responded to me, less if it seemed like it wasn’t going to contribute to having a good time.

  62. coffee cup*

    Small things that have cheered you this week!

    Yesterday on my ‘lunch break’ I drove to the next town over, had a short walk in the sun and, best of all, found a place doing takeaway NICE coffee. I bought a cappuccino and walked back to my car and went home to resume work. The coffee was amazing and just what I needed to make me feel a bit brighter. I also chatted to the owner of the shop as she prepared it, which was also lovely since I live alone and barely have human interaction these days. Very small things, but they really made a difference.

    1. Parenthetically*

      My mother bought a giant six-pack of bubbles for Little Brackets #1, and he spent most of an hour running around on the deck in the sunshine chasing them and just squealing and laughing delightedly.

      2. Fikly*

        I love that!

        I was watching a show recently where there were some wolves at a sanctuary (they couldn’t be released) and one of the things they did to stimulate them was blow giant bubbles at them. The wolves would chase them and try to bite them and get very confused when they bit down on nothing.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My espresso maker! It’s just a Nespresso pod one, but it came with an electric milk frother too. I also have some Starbucks’ syrups. I’m making a different latte every morning.

      1. coffee cup*

        Oh this sounds great! All I have is a small cafetiere, which is fine, but I’m missing really nice coffee made by, well, someone other than me, ha.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Last weekend, I had a problem with my stove. From talking to a repair guy, I decided that the problem was too big a risk for me. The stove might turn on by itself and if it did it would go up to the highest heat setting. I live alone in an old, old house. Because the lumber is old, fire is a huge concern. The stove had to be repaired or it had to go. A friend just happened to have a relatively new stove he was not using. He brought it over the other day and took my old one. I am spent the morning cleaning the new one and cleaning around the area that the stove lives. Phew, after a week a throwing a breaker before and after using the stove, and cooking as little as humanly possible, it feels so good to be back to normal.

    5. toast and jam*

      It pleases me to no end that the person whose nick is ‘coffee cup’ found good coffee!

    6. Three owls in a trench coat*

      I went through the Starbucks drive-thru the other day (wearing a mask of course!) and the car in front of me paid for my order. I almost cried.

  63. Parenthetically*

    My 50 lb bag of flour just arrived. Bagels, fruit buns, and mmmmaaaaaaybe sourdough are on the list. What would you make?

      1. pancakes*

        There’s a great recipe on the King Arthur Flour site called “Back of the Bag Oatmeal Bread.”

      1. Parenthetically*

        Ooh, this is an excellent idea. I’ve got cream coming in my grocery order Monday, and we’ve got some lovely raspberry jam.

    3. BRR*

      Pizza dough balls and freeze them if I had 50 lbs because it’s a quick an easy dinner. I’m going through a Rose Levy Beranbaum Pita phase are the moment.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I actually did this! I made a double batch of whole wheat bread using some of the whey from my last batch of paneer, and half the dough got shaped into three pizza-crust-ready balls! Great minds.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Def on the list! My hot cross buns this year were a triumph (raisins, LOTS of orange zest, clove and cinnamon) so I’ll just do them again without faffing with a cross on top. Since they’re a rich dough they freeze beautifully.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Happy to! It’s a very, very loose riff on a cinnamon roll dough from the Williams-Sonoma “Essentials of Baking” book which is a bit of a mixed bag but at least a fairly good jumping-off point for a more experienced baker. (I’m a bit crap at writing out recipes so do let me know if you see anything I’ve missed!)

            2 packets (5 t.) active dry yeast
            250 ml whole milk, warmed slightly
            125 g granulated sugar

            Mix until dissolved and let stand until foamy, about 5 minutes.

            Beat into yeast mixture using dough hook attachment on a stand mixer:
            juice and zest from 3 oranges
            150 g. whole wheat flour
            450 g. AP/plain flour
            3 eggs
            125 g. butter, at room temp
            1/2 t. cloves, or to taste
            1/2 t. allspice, or to taste
            1 t. cinnamon, or to taste

            Autolyse for an hour or so.

            Knead in:
            2.5 US t. salt
            Enough AP flour to form a tacky dough that almost cleans the bowl
            400 g raisins (YES it’s a lot, no you won’t regret it — you could even use more!)

            Knead until satiny. Cover and allow to rise until doubled. Divide into 20 equal buns and space on a half-sheet pan covered with parchment. Allow to rise until just touching. Preheat oven to 375F/190C.

            Mix 75 g flour and 75 grams water in a zip-top bag until a smooth paste forms. Snip a tiny corner off the bag and pipe flour mixture in crosses across the buns. Bake 20-25 minutes or until golden on top. You may need to rotate the pan 180 degrees halfway through to ensure even browning.

            Don’t be afraid to make a full batch — these freeze perfectly and, thawed for a few minutes on the counter while the kettle boils, couldn’t be more delicious split, toasted, and buttered, with a cup of tea.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Hot Cross Buns! Waah!

        As I couldn’t get hold of any this year, I was going to make some, but couldn’t get any yeast or strong bread flour.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I just happened to be very lucky — I bought yeast in bulk months ago and kept it in my freezer, so I probably have enough yeast to last me through 50 or 60 batches.

  64. Flaxseed*

    I’m not sure if we can talk about this here, so apologies if this doesn’t fit here. My state is requiring everyone to cover their faces, but I don’t have a mask. I ordered some, but they haven’t arrived yet. (Not sure if they will since it’s been almost a month now.) I’ve seen cloth masks, but are they effective? I’ve seen people wearing medical and N95 masks, but wonder, where do they find them?

    1. TimeCat*

      My understanding is the cloth masks are more about protecting other people than they are about you (you can be an asymptomatic carrier). So wear a scarf or bandana for now. Try to leave the N95 and surgical marks for essential workers.

      1. Policy wonk*

        There are some good tutorials on line for making masks out of bandanas, socks and other things you might have at home – no sewing required.

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      Cloth masks are ok for home users. Cover your face with a bandanna, or even just a t-shirt, until your masks arrive, but also check Etsy or local facebook for home-made masks.

      The best article I’ve seen on it, discussing the balance of ‘filter’ vs ‘able to breathe’ can be found by googling “Smart Air Filters DIY Masks”. That takes you to their article, “What Are The Best Materials for Making DIY Masks?” which shows how materials work and why T-shirts are getting recommended.

      Marketwatch has a video on how to fold a tshirt into a balaclava, google “t-shirt balaclava”. There’s also a *ton* of videos on how to cut up a t-shirt into masks if you have one to spare, or the balaclava doesn’t work for you.

      I’ve seen, but not verified, that the nose pinch is important, so if you buy a home-made one, ask what they’re using for the nose guard. Pipecleaners are a common one.

      Make sure you wash the mask with detergent when you get home, every time, but that’s all you need. Soap kills coronavirus very very well.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        A friend could not make pipe cleaners for the nose pinch work for her. She suggests using unfolded paperclips or the plastic-coated wire ties that hold toys and products to their packaging.
        We have a shortage of N95 masks here. So we’re sewing cloth masks with a filter pocket for health workers. (Health workers use a single-use non-woven layer in the filter pocket.) Cloth masks aren’t as good as N95s. It takes 2 or 3 layers of non-see-through fabric to make a 50% to 90% effective mask. 100% cotton with elastic loops are best for cloth masks but anything is better than nothing if you have to go out.
        Ask around. A friend, neighbor or relative might be making masks and be willing to give you one. Observing quarantine and decontaminating are more effective than masks. So choose your outings carefully.
        Stay well, everyone.

    3. GoryDetails*

      I’ve been using the CDC’s instructions for folding a bandana into a mask, using rubber bands (I use the heavy ones from bunches of broccoli or other veggies) to hold it to my ears. (I used an actual bandana at first, but it was very thick, and became uncomfortable after an hour or so; then I found some of my father’s old linen handkerchiefs, which work beautifully.) Since I only wear masks when going out in public for groceries/mail/prescriptions, I don’t need high-end medical-grade protection, and they don’t have to be wearable all day or during heavy lifting. As the basic “add a layer of protection while also maintaining social distance and keeping hands washed”, this method works quite well for me.

    4. fposte*

      My local Nextdoor and Facebook sites have lots of locals making and donating/selling masks–you could check there.

      And yes, the cloth masks are to keep our own grossness contained to us :-). That’s the idea behind the guidance to wear face coverings–not that you’ll have a fitted mask that will filter out virus when you inhale.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Adding you can also check with churches or your local government leaders to see what information they have. Many areas have volunteers who are hand making masks and giving them away. The volunteers are using churches and local municipal leaders to aid in distribution.

        If you wish, you could ask if you can make a donation to help pay for materials. OTOH, elastic is scarce and if you had some to donate, I am sure that would be appreciated also.

        1. Wandering*

          Ribbon works well, too, instead of elastic. Easier to work with for those of us who don’t sew much and you can adjust sizing which is hard to do with elastic.

          1. KristinaL*

            I used a ribbon and attached it in the back with velcro – also makes it easier to adjust.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Well FWIW our governor has asked ordinary citizens not to buy surgical-grade or N95 masks since those are in SUCH short supply in hospitals where they’re desperately needed. I wouldn’t feel right using one. I’ve cut out enough for each of us to have a couple, but as others have said, a t-shirt balaclava, a bandana, or a scarf will serve the purpose.

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        I wear a scarf in a sort of a hijab-ish way, but that’s because I have a scar on my forehead that is still at the “feels weird when touched” stage of healing, and the small wisps of hair around my face tickle it, and I am forever touching it, rubbing it, smoothing my hair, etc.

        So tying a large scarf tightly round my forehead puts pressure on the scar and it shuts up. It also keeps my hair from tickling me, or blowing a piece in my face that I have to move. Then I can pin the tail of it across my face and keep my germs to myself. It works for me.

    6. ThatGirl*

      Cloth masks are totally fine for wearing to the store, it’s meant to cut down on the germs you spread, along with hand washing and distance.

    7. LGC*

      So, cloth masks are fine for the purposes of your state. Like other people noted, it’s really to protect other people from us, and (secondarily) to reserve PPE for nurses and doctors who desperately need it. There’s a really good explainer on the thinking written by Zeynep Tufekci for the Atlantic, which I’ll link in a following comment (it’s a Medium link but it’s free to read).

      I’ve had to deal with masking for the past two weeks. I literally wore neck gaiters I’d had left over from races (doubled over, coffee filters in the middle) before I got my first set of actual masks. People were fine with it for the most part.

      A lot of people may have had medical and N95 masks on hand already – for example, in places where wildfires are common (like California), they’re used to protect against smoke inhalation. And before this really ramped up, medical masks were cheap and common. If you DID order medical-grade masks…I would seriously consider following up, and possibly cancelling the order.

      2. Ellie Mayhem*

        If you ordered medical-grade masks, there is a very good chance you won’t receive your order for a very long time. Resources are being diverted to health-care facilities as they become available.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Mum and I have been using masks made of shop towels, the blue ones that are almost like cloth. According to several sources, their tight weave filters particles pretty well. They’re very cheap and disposable — wear one, toss it in the bin.

      Google “easy no sew shop towel mask tutorial – shortened edit” to find a YouTube video tutorial. I usually make a few at a time on a clean surface, with clean hands, with a little tape to hold the small fold down, and put them in a plastic sandwich bag so we can keep a few in our purses.

      You can get everything you need at Walmart or Target; the towels are usually in the automotive section. They were out when I first went looking for them, but I found some at the auto parts store. I’ve since seen them again at Walmart.

  65. blaise zamboni*

    Cat people! Please help reassure me.

    I’m moving in with my partner next month (what a weird and crazy time to move! ahahaha…). We’re taking over his family’s place, and found out recently that we’re inheriting his family’s cats. They have two cats, a bonded sibling pair. I think they’re 4-5 years old?

    I have two cats, too, who are 12 and 5. The younger cat is smaller than everybody else and is very skittish, particularly with other cats. She’s very bonded with me and I think she’ll adjust OK eventually, but it will be really difficult for her at first. I’m hopeful that things will work out. But partner and I are both stressed to the max because introducing 4 cats wasn’t part of our plan.

    I’m planning to use the Jackson Galaxy method, divide the house in half with a pet gate, and just slllooooowwwwllyyy get the cats acclimated to each other. Can anyone give me success stories with this method, or even with other methods? Tips or tricks? General fingers-crossed? I would appreciate anything to reassure me that this isn’t totally unfeasible. Right now I feel like my hopefulness is blinding me to a reality where four cats and several humans all end up miserable.

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      Feliway has really helped us bring 2 new cats into my house without freaking out the new ones or the old one who already lived here. All cats >10yo.

      And yeah, general fingers crossed.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’ve done several cat integrations (4 separate times) and it has always ended up fine. There has always been a period where I despair and think I’ve made a terrible mistake, and then it has turned out fine and they’re all friends. So remember that if you reach a period of despair; it seems to be part of the process.

      Different cats take different periods of time. I’ve had some cats who take a week or two. I’ve had others take a few months (Lucy!), but they’ve always gotten there. (Or they could surprise you — Wallace and Hank loved each other from the first minute.) Others I am told never adjust, but that really does seem to be the exception, not the rule.

      Also, it’s all about the unfamiliar smell. I’ve watched enough integrations now to have seen that even when a cat is curious and wants to investigate the other in a non-hostile way, once they get close enough to smell each other, they will instinctively react to the unfamiliar smell. I’ve seen Olive rolling on her back, playfully batting at new-ish cats, but hissing and growling the whole time when I know she’s perfectly happy. The smell is the thing, and eventually they get used to it and calm down.

      There are exceptions, but most of the time it goes okay. (See photo at the top of this post! Two of those cats have only been here two months.)

      1. Curious about Cats*

        I agree that it’s all about the smell.

        To help it along, I use a wash cloth to wipe new cat’s face and then wipe old cats face. I’ve also used a second cloth to keep in the cats bedding and exchange them between the cats every few days.

        Eventually they realize that combined smell is fine because it’s both of them and hopefully go on to many happy years of harmony.

        1. schnauzerfan*

          When I’m bringing home a new puppy I take a bath and leave the water in the tub. I bring the new puppy in and give him a quick dip in my water. Then when the others meet him, he smells like mom. Don’t know how it work with cats…

      2. KristinaL*

        If they hiss a bit at each other, that’s not always a problem. My kitties did that at first when they met a new cat, and it seemed a lot like they were just setting boundaries. The new cat respected their boundaries, and things worked out.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It will be okay.

      I brought home a new adult cat to join the cat I already had.

      At first they were pretty scared of each other. I let them see each other for short periods of time but kept them separate. Time passed. One day when they were supposed to be visiting/acclimating they got verrry hissy with each other. I said NO and stopped my foot. Because I never do this, they jumped apart. And that was the end of the tension. I concluded that in the end I had to say, “No, threatening each other is NOT acceptable.” They ended up eating out of the same dishes together, etc.

      I had two male dogs here, my own and a visitor. One day growling broke out over a dish of food. I picked up a smaller chair and held it against my stomach. I walked forward toward them carrying this chair. Notice, I did not swing the chair or give any indication I would use it as a weapon. I had no intention of hitting either dog- i just wanted to look big and scary. Both dogs were so bewildered by my actions they stopped arguing and separated from each other. Problem over.

      Strange stuff works in a pinch. I am sure you are well aware not to put your hands into an argument between two pets. But you can use a loud noise or other things to get the situation under control. Even though they are arguing with each other they both still think WE are the bosses. We have final say.

    4. A New Normal*

      We used Jackson’s method and it worked well enough despite one of my cats being too dumb to connect the new smell with the other cat. Fortunately he’s a very nurturing little guy so in the end I just tossed him and the new kitten together and they became best buddies within a day. My third cat desperately wishes to be an only cat so a best-case with him is getting him to tolerate the other two. For that we made sure he’s got a way to escape the others and distract the others if they want to play when he doesn’t. And lots and lots of love.

      With care and attention you’ll wind up with a happy house!

  66. Bookslinger in My Free Time*

    I am interviewing kids today for 4H Virtual Achievement Awards today via Zoom. It’s interesting talking to kids about their interests and how their days are now. It’s a big difference from what I expected the interviews to be (in person and not via video conferencing). A bright spot to start a weekend that will end with me going back to work to fix things. Hoping the rain dies down so I can work on some outdoors stuff I wanted to get done this weekend.

  67. Policy wonk*

    Just back from the grocery store. New cycles of what they don’t have. Baking stuff is largely in stock except for baking soda (I assume people are using it to clean.) Still no paper goods, though I saw a few packages in the room where they prep delivery orders – looks like they are clearly not getting much so not putting it on the shelves. This week they were almost completely out of canned soup. Frozen foods are coming back but selection is limited. Lots of oranges and clementines – they must have just had a delivery. What about your store?

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      We are vegan and eat a lot of dried beans. Almost no tofu and no beans in our store since early March! Almost no frozen veggies since early April.

      Lots of vegan junk food but the very limited tofu and beans is driving us nuts. Some fresh fruits and veggies, dried fruits, and frozen fruits and veggies have also been out the days we are there.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I had a hard time finding firm tofu. Nobody wanted the silken kind, I guess. They were out of the one that comes pre-cubed, darn it.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          I was finally able to get firm tofu in my grocery delivery this week. My previous two orders, all tofu was unavailable, but this week I got it. I don’t know if I was just lucky with our timeslot this time or if it’s finally becoming more available.

    2. JKP*

      If you’re desperate for paper goods (tp, paper towels, kleenex), my experience has been that all the grocery stores are out, but stores like Staples, Walgreens, CVS always seem to have some. And Costco has always had plenty every time I go, but they come in such huge packages.

    3. Nita*

      Mine had everything except for gallons of milk. They had half gallons and quarter gallons, just no gallons. I guess people who are trying to keep shopping trips to a minimum snapped them all up.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I mostly shop at Aldi with some excursions to the chain groceries here for certain items Aldi doesn’t carry. They’ve had pretty much everything I usually buy. I’ve been eating a lot of mandarin oranges.

      Although paper goods were cleaned out at the start, they’ve since begun stocking them again. I still have an 18-roll pack of TP I haven’t even touched, so that’s not a problem currently.

    5. Anono-me*

      I got everything on the Wally world order (with minor substitutions) except for some canned vegetables.

    6. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      No chocolate and frozen fish. Also, there’s a lack of variety of marmalades and jams, we used to have three brands with at least five flavours (orange, peach, strawberry, blueberry and plum), and now it’s all orange or plum. I know there are bigger supermarkets better stocked, but they’re too expensive and too far away for us. And online shopping has a delivery delay of 2 weeks at least (and lots of angry people demanding refunds) so that’s not an option.

    7. Professional Merchandiser*

      Paper goods for sure, but a couple of weeks ago rice was nowhere to be found in our local stores. I work at six different stores in different towns, so was lucky enough to find some when I called on store in town #3. I bought 5 1 pound bags. Not hoarding, we eat a lot of rice. They had more but didn’t want to be greedy.

  68. Crocheted familiar*

    I know we have a fair few Critters here so what about an ‘I miss Critical Role’ thread? What do you miss most? THAT REVEAL!! Have you seen the Explorer’s Guide to Wildemount yet? What did you think? And has anyone been getting into other DnD streams while it’s on hiatus? I’ve got really really into Life of the Party DnD very quickly.

    1. Smol Book Wizard*

      Oh, I miss it deeply and was hoping someone would start a thread like this!

      I have been getting by on obsessive tumblr-tag-browsing and also by watching the Briarwoods arc of campaign 1. What awesome stuff. I can’t wait for the animated series. My brother has had to listen to me chattering about it at lunch and making squeaks and laughs and gasps at random moments throughout the day. There was at least one bit where I was too hyped up to sit still and spent a few minutes just hopping around the living room while my dog looked at me funny.
      I’m not sure I love Vox Machina quite as dearly as my M9 yet, but they’re different and beautiful in their own way. I do however love Vax’ildan too much for my own good (yeah I know the overall plot direction, alas), and I want to hug Cassandra de Rolo and hang out with her and help her feel better again.
      I miss seeing the cast laughing together and having a good time. I miss the twitch chat, even, a little. I miss going on tumblr and watching my liveblogging friends freaking out about the same things I’m freaking out about, and snickering madly over background snark, and turning up the volume when Liam is RP’ing some amazingness in a quiet voice. As he does.

      I did get to DM a one-shot yesterday with my folk and used a monster from the Wildemount guide (the Devil Toad). They managed to take it down very easily due to a surprise round, but we still had fun, and that’s the matter of it.

      1. Crocheted familiar*

        Vax is easily the member of VM that I want to hug the most. He just… he’s so sad. I liked the first campaign a lot, if I did occasionally speed through the talking and planning, especially towards the end. There’s only so many times I can listen to plans that take three sessions to make just to get abandoned immediately. My favourite people from the Vox Machina campaign are the NPCs though, especially Kima and Gilmore. I don’t know how far in you are so I’ll be vague, but there’s an NPC ship that eventually got confirmed and I was so happy about it. I think my favourite thing about campaign one is how reassuring it was. You knew they were trying to do the right thing, and they felt very much like heroes, you know? MIX by comparison are very much NOT heroes – and are, in fact, disasters, however well they hide it (Caduceus, looking at you here), and I think that’s why I love them more. They feel like deeper characters, maybe because we knew them from the beginning and have watched them grow as people rather than meeting them when they’re already level seven or so and have been together for a while. I like seeing how this random collection of people became a team, and that’s missing from campaign one just because of where it started.

        I know what you mean about missing the twitch chat. It was a reassuring level of continuity to know that if Essek appeared on screen, there’d be two words in the chat, endlessly repeated. And it stopped at this really critical part! How are we meant to deal with such a break for so long?! We will, of course, but I’ll be so glad when this pandemic has gone away enough for it to be safe to continue the story.

        1. Smol Book Wizard*

          Ah yes. One could say that the twitch chat sort of takes the role of the Chorus in plays: a reliable source of emotional emphasis at regular junctures :D.
          I just always say that I’m glad we didn’t go on Enforced Break a week earlier – just think about waiting after THAT.

          I think I know which NPC ship you’re talking of, and yes, Kima is awesome. I did some reading of the early episode transcripts and met her through there.
          Yes – it’s very interesting; VM is doing things comfortably (or fairly comfortably) already that the M9 would never have managed in the beginning. They’re used to being folk heroes, while the M9 are just now getting used to “no one is trying immediately to kill us.” There may have been a time in my life when I connected more with Vox Machina… maybe during college… but I relate more to the wandering, second-guessing nature of the M9 myself currently. (Nonetheless I wish to hug Vax.)

  69. Anon and alone*

    ******************
    Happy Birthday
    ******************

    To all those who celebrate a birthday the week of April 26 to May 2, may you have a nice day, with those you love and who love you, both human and non-human, virtually or in person. May you enjoy the foods and drinks you like (and dance a little, if you’re so inclined). No matter how you’re celebrating, know that there are those out here who also wish you a Happy Birthday.

    Until next week.

    1. Canuck girl*

      Aww, this is so nice. My birthday is in mid-May..I may post a shoutout similar to yours when the week arrives :)

    2. LGC*

      Thanks! (Mine is April 30.) Wishing you the best, and hoping you’re not alone much longer.

    3. Bluebell*

      My mom’s birthday is this week. I bought her a birthday video on Cameo. I hope she will like it!

    4. Ron McDon*

      Thanks for doing this!

      My youngest son turns 15 tomorrow.

      It’s going to be a bit weird – we usually see all our relatives for birthday cake and go out for a nice meal – instead we’re going to FaceTime family and cook some huge steaks!

      From a suggestion made further up-thread I might do a scavenger hunt – he’d enjoy the thrill of following the clues, I think, although we don’t actually have a present for him at the end of it (he wants to go shopping for trainers when shops reopen). But I feel like I needed to do something special for him, as his birthday’s going to be quite muted; he’d usually be seeing his friends at school.

  70. Ali G*

    What’s cooking everyone?
    I’m in planning mode – have a bunch of leftovers and fresh stuff that need to get used up before my grocery pick up on Wednesday. So far on the list:
    Shrimp and polenta cakes (might try to air fry them)
    Some sort of beef lettuce wraps – probably Asian-ish since I have a bunch of baby bok choy and mushrooms I need to cook
    After that, I need to get into the freezer and pantry and get creative :)

    1. Parenthetically*

      I have a grocery pickup on Monday and our meat CSA delivery on Monday or Tuesday, so it’s going to be a short list! We have lots of ground meat at the moment and we never get tired of Indian food, so I think we’ll do keema and rice and yogurt and parathas tonight. Tomorrow is supposed to be a washout and pretty cold, so I’ll do some kind of soup. I’ve got some stock that needs using but no cream and not a ton of veg which limits my options.

      After the grocery pickup we may do lettuce wraps, too, with our ground pork. Might go for bun cha or larb instead? And I’ve been craving chicken paprikash, so that may go on the menu for next week too.

    2. Jdc*

      I have been craving chicken piccata so that’s on our list this week. Husband wanted pork chops although I’ve yet to decide how I’ll make them. The son likes a Dijon sauce but husband loves my Parmesan crusted pork chops.
      Also meatball sandwiches as i have left over meatballs. I’m Italian so Sunday is always Italian night. Usually meatballs or lasagna. Something hearty as those are my favs. I also think chicken pot pie is happening this week. How i love home made chicken pot pie and it’s easy.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Doing a giant batch of meat loaf this weekend. I hate handling raw meat, but husband will do the mooshing. Then I will batch it out into patties and freeze it, so we’ll have meat loaf available for the next couple months.

      I usually keep a couple pans of mac and cheese in my freezer, and I think I used the last of those this past week too, so sometime this week I’ll probably replace those. Not sure whether I want to do pizza mac, taco mac or plain with smoked sausage this time, it’ll depend on what ingredients I have handy :)

    4. Not A Manager*

      I had a bunch of mushrooms that were not getting any younger, so I made a nice mushroom soup with most of them, and I’m going to make pierogi later today using the rest as a filling. Also have a bunch of potatoes, so I’ll do a potato filling as well.

    5. Ali G*

      If anyone is interested, the shrimp and polenta cakes worked! I had leftover creamy polenta and cooked shrimp. I chopped up the shrimp and combined it with the polenta, shaped it into cakes, dredged then in corn meal, sprayed each side of each cake with olive oil and put them in the air fryer on 400 for about 15 minutes. They were hot and creamy on the inside and crispy on the outside. It was much easier than pan frying them.

  71. Oxford Comma*

    Just wanted to thank everyone for the advice about trying to keep the days distinct.

    I opted to change up my clothes slightly to keep work and “home” separate. Still dressing down, but not quite as down as I was before. I also really liked the idea of defining different chores for different days and trying special meals for weekends and evenings.

    2. PhyllisB*

      On a related note, I saw a funny post from one of my friends on FB. “I just washed a load of pajamas. Now I have work clothes for the week.”

  72. Can't pet every cat*

    Hi everyone!

    I had posted on the weekend thread a while ago asking about tips for first-time cat owners. Thanks to all of you who responded. Now that things have settled down a bit for me personally (pandemic aside of course) I’m looking into fostering a cat! I’ll be visiting a local shelter next week to meet some of the kitties and I am SO excited. The shelter is only scheduling one visitor at a time and requiring all visitors to wear face masks so I feel pretty safe going.

    The only thing I’m not sure about? There’s so many kitties on their website it’ll be hard to pick just one to foster!

    Also, in general, do you recommend a male or a female for a first-time cat servant? Obviously each cat is different but I’ve heard that while males tend to be more affectionate, they also spray and can miss the litter box.

    1. Animal worker*

      I adopted my first cat last year, and chose a female in part because of the potential of getting a male who sprayed. I have parrots, plus lots of backyard wildlife, and I really didn’t want to end up in a situation where I had a cat that wanted to mark his territory a lot. Had I fallen in love with a male at the shelter I totally might have gotten him, but as a theoretical a female was my first choice.

      A lot depends on what you want – younger/older, active/more sedate, one that’s been there a while so that you can get it into a good home, certain color/breed type, etc. For me, the one I got was everything I didn’t think would be right, ironically. She was young, energetic, former (successful) stray so past hunting experience – and I already had three (thankfully large) parrots at home – so prey animals. But I had been volunteering at the shelter where I got her as a behaviorist with shy cats, she was one of my first assignments, and we bonded. I’ve still never figured out why she didn’t get adopted as she really blossomed with some desensitization and training, and is a beautiful Tortie – the only explanation I could think of was she still didn’t like being picked up at that point and I’m sure it impacted people meeting her in one of the cat rooms versus her condo. Maybe she was just waiting for me to take her home :).

      It’s been a long, step by step process but it’s been more than I could have hoped for. But still, the cat’s never downstairs with the birds out unless I’m there, never willing to take that chance. Sometimes the right one speaks to you, whether literally, or now amidst the pandemic via the photo or history, and you just go with it. Good luck!

      1. KristinaL*

        I’ve got a male cat who doesn’t spray. He and one of my 2 female cats are very affectionate when they want to be.

        I have found that adopting an adult cat (which I’ve only done once) went fairly smoothly. Kittens are great, but they’re kinda crazy.

        I like having 2-3 cats because they can play together and hang out together. My current kitties don’t cuddle each other, but they get along.

    2. No Tribble At All*

      I have 2 female kitties and they are Velcro cats. So don’t let stereotypes discourage you! If the cat will be an only cat, see if the shelter has any older cats who don’t do well with other animals. Single kittens tend to be very rambunctious and do better with another animal playmate. Gooood luck and congratulations on your upcoming cat!!!!

      1. A New Normal*

        This! We unexpectedly got a kitten last year and she would have driven me nuts if not for one of our older cats bonding with her. She’s adorable but so much energy!

        We got our other two when they were 2 or 3 years old and that was perfect. They loved some play time but also loved their naps and lap time.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Congrats on your cat-choosing conundrum! If you’re lucky, the cat will choose you – I recall a tentative paw reaching out from the cage at me long ago…

      I wouldn’t worry about gender too much, as my experience includes cuddly and standoffish cats of both sexes. And the worst spraying episodes I had were among female cats who were having a territorial dispute; if I’d recognized that it was the low-cat-in-the-pecking-order who was doing most of the spraying I’d have been able to fix it sooner. [My male cats have typically only sprayed if they had bladder infenctions, and that was thankfully rare.]

    4. Four-legged Fosterer*

      I might suggest asking them for a recommendation. It may also depend on the problem, as a cat with a cold is less of a problem than diarrhea. I have fostered many cats including unfixed males and none sprayed. It is possible, but rare, especially if you don’t have two unfixed males

    5. Cats cats cats*

      I think that you’ll know the right cat to foster when you get to the shelter to meet them!

      My local shelter had only two cats in and both had been in there for six months. After reading about their personalities and seeing their photos, I had my heart set on the older one of the two. When to meet her she was standoffish and it was awkward and it didn’t feel right.
      As I was interacting with her I hear a “m-row” and the other cat was suddenly all up in my business, purring like a mad thing and soooo happy to interact with me. I ended up taking her home and she’s been the perfect cat, even though she wasn’t the one I initially wanted. I felt bad about leaving the other cat as it took her another couple months to get adopted, but my Strata only allowed one cat.

      She does miss the litter box a decent amount, so female cats can come with their own set of issues that are different to spraying. I was warned about this by the shelter, so I solve it with pee pads.

    6. A New Normal*

      Echoing the thought that the right cat will likely choose you. When we were ready for a cat I wanted a sweet, independent little female cat, preferably black. I went home with this giant, clingy grey fluffball of a boy. I was walking by his cage and he cried out so pitifully that I thought I could at least give him a little attention. As soon as I went in and started to kneel down he jumped up onto my lap and wouldn’t leave. So that was it! He’s been my sweet little buddy ever since.

  73. Canuck girl*

    Can anyone suggest a website or share their strategy for weekly grocery shopping for one? and to sticking to this well, without being tempted by stuff, while at the same time treating myself a little bit (being in a pandemic, treating oneself in little ways helps).
    I got laid off, I’m on unemployment and some weeks are better than others for me in terms of how well I stick to my grocery list. Note that I can’t eat beans or canned soups, yes, they’re cheaper they’re an absolute no go…I have occasional IBS and many canned and pre-prepped products would trigger it and wreck my gut. Gluten free products, and treats, are great, but they’re not cheap. I have low iron as well, so there’s a big need for lots of fresh fruits and veggies, in addition to my iron supplement. I am not totally lactose intolerant, which is a blessing.
    But my digestive issues set aside, how do I do this planning within now a smaller budget, and a penchant for sometimes fancier food? I always have a list, but sometimes go off list, if I see something tasty and new.

    Any tips would be really appreciated.

    1. Canuck girl*

      I’ll add that I’m not fully laid off, it’s a furlough, supposed to end in a month, but as with all things, not confirmed; it still means I am collecting unemployment and therefore have a strict budget until they call us back to work. Not sure if that makes a difference to my grocery shopping question, but thought I’d clarify.

    3. fposte*

      I see you talking about eating and grocery shopping, but I don’t see anything about meal planning. I think that’s an important piece here–I don’t shop for individual foods so much as for material for meals. You might want to look at the meal-planning thread upstream for a start. I find it useful to have a stable of go-to meals that I’m happy to eat frequently and just rotate them around as taste, season, and supplies suit.

      If you have freezer room, I highly recommend bulk prep of soup, then frozen in serving sizes. A veggie soup in chicken broth can draw on onions, carrots, and inexpensive cooking greens and then get bulked out with rice or pasta. That’s a big bang for the buck meal in my house. If you can find some low-budget staples like that, that gives you more room to buy fancy stuff and still stay within the budget.

      1. Oxford Comma*

        I agree. Meal planning is key.

        Also, making something pay multiple ways. For example, you buy a whole chicken rather than something packaged up as it’s considerably cheaper. That’s easily 4-6 meals for me. Plus you can use the carcass and wings to make chicken stock.

        Stew might be a good option. That takes a cheap cut of meat. You could use vegetables like potatoes, carrots, and onions, all of which are comparatively inexpensive and it can be stretched out for days and days.

        My go to in lean financial days was rice and pasta (looks like you need gluten free options though?) with a little bit of meat and a lot of veggies.

      2. Canuck girl*

        fposte and Oxford Comma – you make excellent points. I’m not super used to meal planning, not for lunch, anyway. When I was working, often it was more convenient to just grab a sandwich at a local deli or in the work cafeteria. I do happen to have a bunch of frozen dinners in my freezer, so that is good, but for whatever reason, lunches and veggie sides trip me up. I’ll end up buying deli turkey out of habit, while I had a gluten free pasta dish planned for the week for lunch. Seems like hunkering down with meal planning, even for sides and salads is a better way to go, which should enable me to stick to my grocery list better. Thanks for the tips re: pasta, rice and cheaper cuts of meat.
        This ought to help me to be less worried about other expenses that creep up purely because, I am running out of stuff I bought months ago – household cleaners, printer toner, office supplies, etc.; needed as I am also job searching. Aah pandemic life..uggh. Thankful for this community of commenters :)

        1. 00ff00Claire*

          Second the ideas about meal planning, especially with things you can stretch. I try to meal plan during regular times but I’m not great at it. Some weeks I do better than others. So it’s taking adjusting to since I can’t run out to the store to pick up something I need to make x dish. I’ll throw out a few suggestions in case something could help!

          I had to stick to a strict budget several years ago when my job was a tenuous contract position. I paid with cash and estimated the cost of everything on my list to make sure it was all in my budget. And then at the store I added up stuff as I went along in my head or on my paper list. Might be harder to do the cash and adding up as you go these days because there’s a lot to focus on and handling cash is tricky. But you could still estimate the cost of things before you go and get an estimated total. Having a concrete number might help reign in the off-list buying. Even if you are going to the grocery store, if you are able to log into your store’s online ordering or Instacart, you could build your shopping list online to see how much it’s going to cost, then just don’t place the order.

          We’ve simplified our meals now that we’re eating at home all the time. Breakfast is almost always something easy/cheap – a bar, cereal, oatmeal, toast or rice cake w/ almond butter or peanut butter, etc. One of other meals of the day will also be simple: sandwich, pasta w/ sauce, “polenta” (we call it that but we are just microwaving corn meal w/ water so it’s not exactly real polenta) w/ a little cheese & boiled egg(s), rice w/ veggies, soup and salad, or one of the breakfast options. The third meal will be a “real” meal that is either made fresh that day or leftovers. We switch up whether lunch or dinner is the “real” meal depending on our schedule and mood. Sides / desserts have been frozen veggies, fruit w/ homemade dip, popcorn, etc.

          I use Budget Bytes a ton for recipes. A lot of her stuff does rely on beans, unfortunately, but she also has plenty of pasta dishes and other ways to stretch the more expensive ingredients. I’m following a low FODMAP diet so I currently avoid the bean recipes and for everything else leave out stuff that bothers me like garlic or onion. Often, I use even less than what she recommends of cheese or chicken, sometimes ground meats but she’s usually pretty spare with those.

          Rice cakes – I used to buy these when I was single b/c I could never go through a whole loaf of bread before it molded. Buying them again more now because they make it simple to turn easy meals into gluten-free. Put that deli turkey or tuna salad on top of a rice cake instead of bread. I actually break the rice cakes into bite-sized pieces and cut my deli meat and cheese to top the pieces. Peanut butter and almond butter also good on them. I used to do a crumbled rice cake topped with plain yogurt and drizzled with honey but I can’t do yogurt or honey now. You could add fruits or nuts to that as well.

          Sweet potatoes or White potatoes – Both budget friendly and can be topped with meats to replace bread or stretch meats. I’ve done roasted sweet potato rounds as a bun replacement for homemade slider burgers. Diced roasted sweet potatoes are good on top of rice and you can change up the seasoning – taco or Indian flavors are good.

          One of my best latest go-tos has been poached or roasted chicken. I buy either a whole chicken or a pack of bone-in skin-one breasts and one of bone-in skin-on thighs. Sometimes I roast but more often I poach, especially in the crockpot. Then, I save the broth from poaching and use it to make soups or in recipes that call for broth. I put it in small plastic containers, either ziploc/rubbermaid or some we saved and reused from Japanese take-out, then freeze it. It’s a budget-saver and I can make it w/out garlic and onions. Lots of the budget bytes recipes need broth, so I use that when it’s called for. With the chicken meat that’s cooked, we often eat some of it just as it is w/ a side of veggies. The rest I use in recipes that allow me to stretch it or I freeze it to use later in a recipe. There’s a good creamy chicken and rice with cheese recipe on Budget Bytes and I use some in that. It’s easy and gluten free. To freeze the chicken, I shred it, put it in a ziplock bag, add a teaspoon or so of the broth, and then get as much air out of the bag as possible. Label and toss into the freezer. It seems like a lot of work, and it kind of is, but once you’ve done it a few times it gets easier and then it saves you on work later because you can just pull chicken or broth out of the freezer. If you like soup / need broth, you can also use the bones from the chicken to make another batch of broth.

          Ok, sorry that got a bit long-winded. Hopefully there’s something in all of it that helps!

    4. Jdc*

      I’ve stuck to treats on sale. I’ll look at our stores weekly circular and decide that week I’ll get chips since they are super cheap. Next time maybe cookies. It’s helped me from buying tons of treats to stick to the deals.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Not a major thing but I made a habit of checking the discontinued table (shelves). I am pleased with how many times I can find gluten free stuff there at half off or better. It’s not a big savings each time, but it adds up if done routinely. And I can get a nice variety of new-to-me things to try. Sometimes you can get a deal on fresh produce because they got in too much. (Sometimes stores are forced to take whatever the warehouse has too much of.) I check for that. I try to figure out what stores do with the stuff they want to unload at a cheaper price and check those spots. One store has an area at the end of the meat case for all its reduced meats. Another store will sometimes fill one freezer with reduced meats.

  74. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    I just finished soaking/cooking dried beans for a soup…. and then realized my onion and garlic had rotted.

    Can I save the cooked beans until I make it to the grocery store again? How long? Do I stick them in the fridge?

      1. Can I get a Wahoo?*

        Phew, thanks! The beans were from a soup pack I as trying to eat my way through, but I made the mistake of not checking all of my ingredients before I started. I may forget the soup and just eat the beans on their own, but good to know they will stay for a bit!

      2. mreasy*

        Yes you can freeze them basically forever. Freeze in their cooking liquid until you’re ready to use, then thaw.

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I don’t think you can store soaked beans. Do you happen to have onion and garlic powder, or other dried spices that are flavorful enough to make up for it?

    3. Bex*

      Freeze them in the bean broth! I do this all the time, and they are fine for a couple weeks/months

    4. Koala dreams*

      Cook them and freeze them. They last very long in the freezer. I don’t know about the fridge, but you can try it. Most cooked vegetables last around five days in the fridge in my experience, but I don’t eat much beans, more lentils.

      1. Imtheone*

        Low acid foods like beans spoil relatively quickly. It would be better to cook and then freeze them.

  75. PhyllisB*

    Alison, I read your Twitter comment about your nieces wanting to sleep in the basement instead of comfy guest room. This reminds me of my kids (two girls, one boy.) We would go to beach most summers and rent a condo with three bedrooms so they could be comfortable and have plenty of room. They would….take all their bedding and sleep in the closet!! All three in the same closet!! If they brought friends they did the same. Admitted, these closets were the size of a small bedroom, but???? They did this until their late teens.

    2. Ali G*

      When my husband’s family visits for Thanksgiving, the nephews like to sleep on camping pads in the closet (also a big walk-in) in the room his parents sleep in.
      Kids are silly!

    3. Enough*

      For closets I think it’s the dark. When my son was in high school (2000-04) they would all sleep in the storage room in the basement. It had no windows. Also I suspect there’s something comforting to being in a smaller space when you are somewhere different.

  76. LibbyG*

    Alison, that great photo reminds me to ask you how you like that modular furniture. Love Sac, is it? Does anyone else in AAM land have it too? Do you actually change it around sometimes?

    I’m intrigued that this kind of furniture might work for a multipurpose space that is sometimes used for guests. Sleeper sofas just never seem worth it.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      The Sactional from Love Sac! We LOVE it. One of my favorite purchases ever. And we do rearrange it sometimes — when we have people over, etc.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Still hurts, but the pain has decreased from a constant 4-5 (out of 10) to 1-3, so that’s an improvement. The doctor has originally told me the pain would last 4 weeks, but when I questioned him skeptically at week 5, he said to expect 6 months of pain (which I guess he didn’t say originally to avoid destroying me?). But I assume/hope it won’t be constant that whole time (although it has been so far). I had no idea a finger could cause so much pain. (When I say this to him, he says, “You nearly amputated it.”)

      Right now the most upsetting thing is that I think the nail is going to fall off, which I have always had a visceral phobia about, and I am disgusted by it whenever I take the bandage off. (If anyone has any comforting info about this, please share. I would like to hear there will be a fully formed nail underneath it, possibly fully manicured, but I fear this will not be the case.)

      GET RID OF YOUR IMMERSION BLENDERS.

      1. Jdc*

        You’ll have a little nail under. Just enough so the sensitive skin isn’t exposed. It’s not as horrifying as it seems I promise. It’ll grow fast. It may also fall off more than once. A neighbor opened a door into my foot once and the toenail fell off. A couple years later it did again. I just kept them painted a very light nude so it wasn’t obvious.

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, the nail may keep growing kinda funny for a while, but there will be some nail!

          It’s disturbing, though, no question.

      2. Courageous cat*

        I once had a nailbed infection, nothing serious but painful, and was completely shocked at how much a stupid, simple finger can bring you down. It’s such a small part of the body but the pain was kind of mindblowing.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I disturbed my large toenail twice in household accidents… (I did not learn the first time.)

        Yes, there is a nail under there, I was surprised by how much was there when the old fell off. And it will come back to full size pretty quickly when the old falls off.

        Just my opinion, but now is the worst time because I tried to baby it. Once it was gone things got much better.

        Lesson learned: Don’t vacuum with bare feet.

        1. MostCake*

          I broke my big toe and was more afraid of the nail coming off than anything. After limping around for weeks, and the nail becoming looser and looser … ackkkk … it was finally hanging by a cuticle so I closed my eyes and pulled it off (painlessly), and there was a fragile new nail underneath. So I was all yeah, it was nuthin.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            That is what happened to me both times also, no pain.
            I think the new nail takes hold and when it is in place the old nail just “lets go”. It really did turn into a non-event. Except for the very heavy flood of relief, of course.

      4. Nicki Name*

        As a kid I once pulled a heavy wooden drawer out too far, lost my grip on it, and dropped it on my big toe, and due to the injury the toenail loosened and eventually came off. The nail grew back fine, and in the meantime, though I would have been creeped out by the thought beforehand, I got used to how the toe looked very quickly.

      5. No Tribble At All*

        Oh you poor thing :( yes the doctor probably glossed over the length of the recovery time. I’m glad the pain has decreased! And having had each big toenail fall off before, I promise your nail will grow back quickly. It won’t be fully manicured (unless Mr. AAM and/or the cats have amazing stealth manicure skills) but you start with a short lil nail which will regrow from the base. Honestly, it might hurt less after the nail falls off. Maybe once it’s grown back a little bit, you could put an acrylic on it so it doesn’t look as obviously different. I know it’s gross right now, but it will get better! And once they have you start to do PT to regain full motion, do your PT!!

        Next steps: adding “vendetta against immersion blenders” to your About Me section on the blog. Hope it feels better soon.

      7. Jean (just Jean)*

        Shuddering on your behalf. Glad you’re healing even if slowly.
        My/our immersion blender was gone many years ago. (Wedding gift.) Still have the spouse and all 10 fingers for each of us.
        More shudders on your behalf. Yeowtch. Feel better.

      8. Mandy*

        I once had a softball hit me right in the thumb (world’s worst batter). The nail turned black, then fell off. There wasn’t much of anything there for a while. When the nail grew back it was … weird. Like thin and bumpy. But after THAT grew out, then it was all good. Took a while for it to grow out twice though.

  79. Siberian Kitten Lady*

    I have a tiny 5×5 inch white canvas I want to paint on (acrylics). I ordered gesso but my order was cancelled. What gesso primer substitute can I use (e.g clear nail polish)? I have wood glue, GF flour, cornstarch, but am trying not to leave the house due to immunocompromised spouse.

    1. Bex*

      With acrylics can you skip the gesso? I thought gesso was to primer for oil paints, and I’m pretty sure that gesso itself is actually an acrylic medium. If you want the canvas to be a brighter white instead of beige, maybe try laying down a thin coat of white acrylic first?

    2. Reba*

      Most canvases from art supply or craft stores are pre-primed. (Saying this because its being white makes me think it’s ready to go!)

      Do not use nail varnish. I wouldn’t use the flours as I don’t think they’d be stable (discoloring, cracking?), but the long term stability may not be a concern for your project. Thinned out glue with white chalk would come pretty close to “original” gesso, but it’s not something I’ve tried.

      A layer of white acrylic paint or even household paint would do you just fine — the gesso that is used to prime canvases nowadays is essentially white paint with a creamy body and toothy (rather than glossy) finish.

      1. LQ*

        I’d agree. I tried to find an unprimed, but on a frame canvas a few times over the last few years and couldn’t. If this is a canvas that was not just a roll of canvas material you put onto a frame and is from the last decade I’ll bet it’s already primed.

    4. MommaCat*

      Watered-down glue would work (like a 3:2 glue:water mix, iirc), but wood glue would make it yellow. See if you can get your hands on white glue, like Elmer’s. After the glue mixture, you’d then have to prime with white paint separately. I don’t think the wood glue yellow would bleed into the primer coat, but I’m not sure about that. I work in theater (as a carpenter more than a painter), but that’s how we prep the muslin for painted drops or fabric flats.

  80. Amethyst*

    Y’all. A man dressed as a t-rex just walked up my street & it is the best thing I’ve seen all year.

    2. Trixie*

      I love this. I’ve seen videos with a mini-parade too. My other favorite is “art walks’ with the neighborhood kids posting their artwork.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Salford (a town just outside Manchester) has Spiderman doing daily visits, and a Dalek was spotted somewhere else.

    3. Ann O.*

      I have an inflatable T-Rex costume from a Halloween, and I’ve been debating this. I need to just get out and do it.

      I don’t feel like my neighborhood would appreciate it, but it would make me happy.

      1. acmx*

        Do it. Plus, no one will know it’s you (if that’s a concern). And they might actually enjoy it.

      2. Three owls in a trench coat*

        Take it a step farther and go to the store in it. I’ve seen videos of people doing their grocery shopping in both inflatable T-rex costumes and inflatable shark costumes. Hey, as long as you’re protecting yourself why not get a few laughs out of it?

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Now I want a T-rex costume! (But where would I store it? *Sits still until the urge for said costume recedes.*)

  81. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    Is anyone else in the US still waiting for their stimulus payment to process? I finally got my status to change from “Status Not Available” to “Hey what’s your checking account” but I still have nothing scheduled. Since working from home my expenses have gone up, but I’m not in emergency need so I don’t want to reach out to my representative when I know there are plenty of people in a worse position.

    But also… I want my money.

    1. Jdc*

      I know some in Illinois have received it and some haven’t. Ours was deposited about two weeks ago but my neighbor who didn’t have their tax return automatically deposited last year is still waiting.

    3. ThatGirl*

      I had to give my direct deposit info, and now my status is “we have your info but no payment date yet”. It’s not something we need, strictly speaking, so I can wait…

    4. HBJ*

      If you’re getting a mailed check, you might not get it for quite awhile. Checks only just started to be mailed yesterday. Basically, it takes time to run and mail all these checks, so they will send them out in batches with the lowest incomes getting theirs first. If you make at the top end of the range, you won’t get it until August or Semptember.

      Link to follow for the full schedule.

      2. Enough*

        I figure my daughter will get her stimulus check even before my husband and I get our refund check (she got hers just as Covid-19 was starting. Refunds have been put on the back burner while the stimulus gets taken care of.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      When the site went live on 4/15, I was getting the same status not available. Yesterday it finally worked and we were still getting error messages. Long story short, it finally worked today. No date yet but I trust that it’ll be updated eventually.

  82. lazy intellectual*

    Dating/relationships pain point: I find it difficult to date on line, because I just realized I’m the type of person who takes a million years to develop feelings for someone. Usually, by the time I realize this, too late! Because my life is not, in fact, a rom com, they are already dating someone. Most recent example, I realized I liked one of my former coworkers after 1.5 years of working with him. By this point, he was seeing someone else, and we also both moved on to separate jobs and lost touch. (Apparently, one of my other former coworkers was actually surprised to discover we were NOT dating. Either way, dating coworkers is a no-no in my rulebook, so it’s for the best.)

    Online dating is weird for me, because there isn’t enough time to develop latent, suppressed feelings for someone before deciding to date them.

    Am I weird? How do people usually decide they like someone aside from just physical attraction?

    1. Jdc*

      I think maybe you might benefit from not so much worrying if you have serious feelings but just focus on if you’re enjoying spending time with them. That was a nice date so let’s just see what happens next. I tend to be one who is into someone or not pretty quick but oddly those are not the actual real relationships I’ve had. The real relationships have been “hmm I don’t know he’s nice enough”. I’m not sure that I think an immediate intense attraction is the key all the time. My friend has been married 30 years and flat out did not like her husband when she met him. Go figure. My husband I thought was nice (he was my neighbor) but I was in no way considering dating him.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      As someone who met their spouse in college and never actually “dated” in the traditional sense, I find dating culture (that I’ve read about, that I’ve heard about from single friends) to be very strange. It seems about as artificial as job interviewing. Are there any “dating” apps that are just about meeting people and being friends and hanging out, and then if you like someone, you can take it further? Instead of “We are deciding we’re into each other (though not necessarily committed) right away and want to explore only romantic possibilities”?

      To answer your specific questions, though…

      Am I weird?

      Not for feeling the way you do, but even if you were, is being weird bad? You’re you. Being typical isn’t necessarily a good thing.

      How do people usually decide they like someone aside from just physical attraction?

      Shared experiences and memories? Being there for one another? Arguing and fighting about some stuff (but not in an abusive way)? Laughing together? But, yeah, physical attraction can matter, too.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I met my college boyfriends the same way – we hung out until we became bf/gf and didn’t go on those “first dates”. They didn’t last, though. I would prefer to meet people through my social circles like I did in college, but unfortunately that dynamic doesn’t exist anymore for me. None of my friends have their own circles through which I can meet a potential partner. (We’re all pretty introverted.) I agree that “dating” feels artificial.

    3. HBJ*

      No, I don’t think your weird.

      As far as your last question, in regards to my husband and I, we met through a combination of mutual friends and being involved with the same club in college. So we got to know each other as friends, hung out in groups, went on outings with groups for a year before he asked me out. So we knew we had some similar interests because we’d gone to X thing together as and with friends. The club was faith-based, so we knew those values would be similar (which was a deal-breaker for both of us).

      I do know one couple who met online and are now happily married with multiple kids, but everyone else I know met through mutual friends, family friends, their families were friends so they grew up together, or church/shared interest groups. And they mostly got to know each other as friends for at least a little while before they started dating, so they typically knew they had some shared values and interests. I agree with Anonymous Educator regarding dating culture. It seems odd to me to just immediately jump into trying to make a romantic connection. I think it’s much better to be friends first. I realize that’s hard with coronavirus, but as soon as things loosen up, I’d encourage you to find some in-real-life groups to join related to your interests.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I prefer this way of meeting people, too, but it was difficult for me even before the coronavirus. My current social circle and social habits are not set up for meeting a ton of potential dates. The few people I’ve met are through my friend’s bf and they aren’t my type. (He’s part of a niche group that I don’t relate to.)

    4. Actual Vampire*

      Not weird! I’m the same way sometimes. Lately I’ve been trying to be more mindful of my feelings towards other people, and more actively open to attraction – I’ve found myself noticing attraction much earlier/in different situations than I would have expected. Since you talked about developing “latent, suppressed feelings,” I wonder if you could work on un-suppressing your feelings.

      I also notice you describe relationships in a very linear way: first you meet someone, then you start to like them, then you realize you like them, then you decide to date them, but whoops, it’s too late. It doesn’t have to be that way! In my (strictly lesbian) experience, dating (online or otherwise) usually involves a period of time where you are hanging out in person but have not “decided to date” yet. I usually have to go on several dates before I really start to warm up to someone. And I think taking the pressure off really helps with this. If you go on a first date thinking “I have to fall in love with this person TODAY because we are DATING” you are going to hate them. Instead, the questions I ask myself after a first date are: 1. Do I genuinely look forward to seeing this person again? and 2. Do I find this person so unattractive that I cannot imagine ever becoming attracted to them?

      2. filosofickle*

        Working on un-suppressing feelings is a good suggestion! Noticing what’s going on in your body and mind to find clues that your conscious mind isn’t seeing. You’re not “weird”, but you have a trait that’s frustrating you, and that’s always worth unpacking and seeing what can change.

    5. Anonnington*

      Not weird at all! What you’re describing is having romantic feelings for someone based on genuine knowledge of who they are as a whole person. That sounds super healthy as grounds for a long-term relationship.

      I think a lot of people would be flattered to know that someone felt that way about them (as a concept, with or without knowing who). There is SO MUCH superficial, short-term attraction out there. “I like you because of who you are, now that we’ve known each other for years,” sounds really nice.

      I can be the same way. For me, there is usually an initial spark when I meet someone I like, but it takes a while for me to get to know them well enough to know what kind of relationship (if any) I want. Sometimes I realize I like someone later and by then, yeah, they’re seeing someone else.

      I can only recommend being upfront about being this way. Some people will get it and others won’t. And try to expand your social life offline so you’ll have more friendships that could blossom into something else eventually.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Thanks!

        Yeah – I guess part of me is glad that I am capable of having these feelings, even if nothing comes out of them.

    6. Generic Name*

      I met my fiancé online and when I was dating, first dates were for us both to figure out if we like the other person and find them reasonably attractive. Heck, my fiancé says he doesn’t consider the first time you meet someone in person who you matched with online an actual date. He considers it a meet date, and then the next date is the first real date. It took me a while to decide that I wanted to date and pursue a relationship with him. I had to get to know him first. You sound totally normal. Online dating IS weird and plenty of people try to fast track things, and it just doesn’t work that way.

    7. RagingADHD*

      It sounds to me like you (and maybe the pool of people you’re with) have a different expectation of what “dating” is and “liking” are, than what I grew up with.

      Dating is what you do to find out if you are compatable with someone, and if romantic feelings or attraction develop. Committment is what you do when you definitely care about someone.

      So the criteria for going on dates, to my way of thinking, are badically the absence of obvious dealbreakers (whatever your personal dealbreakers are), plus the desire/curiosity to generally spend time with them socially.

      Not really that different from hanging out with a platonic friend, at first. Are they nice? Are they interesting? Do they have good manners? Are they reasonably well-presented?

      Then after you spend time together, you find out if you want to keep on spending time with them or not. You can’t possibly know that ahead of time.

  83. Potatoes gonna potate*

    COVID related

    Apparently some people are now comparing reporting those abusing the stay at home orders to 1930s/40s Europe. Sickening.

    1. fposte*

      Everything gets compared to either Nazi Germany or Stalinist Russia eventually. That’s where Godwin’s Law comes from.

      1. Anonnington*

        And we (as a society) need to start talking about how that trivializes those atrocities. If people are going to compare, there should be grounds for it. Are large numbers of people being imprisoned, tortured and murdered? No? Then maybe think of a different comparison to make.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Agree with you. I won’t get in to these debates on social media because….if someone thinks this is all a hoax and people following orders are making it a race issue or comparing it to Nazism, they’re not going to be reasoned with.

        2. Pennyworth*

          The comparisons with Nazis are odious, but it is worth remembering that many atrocities begin with small things that are gradually built upon.

          1. Anonnington*

            Yes! But then specify that! It would be fine to say, “This reminds me of early Nazi party policies such [xyz] and so I’m concerned about the underlying agenda and what could happen next.” I just take issue with the huge leaps. Obviously, asking people to stay home is not murder. Unless you can explain that it will cause people to die. If so, explain that.

    2. lazy intellectual*

      That comparison is a bit much, but I do think some people are being overzealous with reporting people in addition to not considering how calling the cops can affect more vulnerable populations. I’ve been hearing of a lot of essential workers being reported because people are jumping to conclusions.

      I mean, if someone in your neighborhood is throwing a barbecue, I can understand reporting that. But I’m not crazy about the busybodies going to town with calling the police on people.

    3. Hazy Days*

      I think part of the concern is that people are not necessarily / largely reporting those breaking the law, but people who are not doing what the reporters are doing, or who the reporters have taken against.

      I think there are some genuine concerns when individuals deliberately act to ‘name and shame’ others for behaving differently.

      It’s also a waste of time for the police.

  84. MechanicalPencil*

    As I’ve been home more, I’ve realized how uncomfortable my couch has become. The seat cushions have a little more give than I’d like, the upholstery seems faded. It’s about 8 years old, so it’s not…old old?

    I also recognize that couch shopping in tbe best of circumstances is hell, but currently is… unfathomable.

    I just want a comfy couch, wide enough for a good nap, and able to accommodate two humans and up to three dogs. Obviously pet friendly fabric is key (whatever that means). Does anyone have any recommendations of a couch they absolutely love? Or is there a way to zhush up my current couch?

    1. Trixie*

      If the the frame it good, can you look at different cushions with new covers? Or maybe washable furniture throws, popular among those with shedding pets.
      I haven’t had a couch for a while and really miss it. I’m either sitting at my desk all day or in bedroom and I miss out using the living room. I have a couple chairs but not the same. I love the idea of a sectional but haven’t committed to it yet. I see decent ones online but would go used if (a) I could and (2) delivery was included.

      1. Jdc*

        As someone who is still dealing with bed bugs I really would advise against used. I hate saying that but you can’t really see them and it will ruin your life. My whole body is constantly covered in bites which I’m allergic to. It’s about 5k to start to have them heat treat, oh plus hotel and where the pets go, and obviously right now that’s not an option. As much as I’m a fan of reusing I feel that bed bugs have greatly tainted my view on this with any fabric. Then i get even more paranoid because technically even a new item could get them. Then your whole house then Janelle how’s crazy like i am now. They also can live in wood but like some sort of fabric protection a bit more.

        1. filosofickle*

          It used to be really easy to sell or give away a used couch but it is so hard these days. I fully expect to have to pay for a landfill run when I have to get rid of mine. I assume that’s due to fears of bed bugs! They are horrible.

          1. Jdc*

            No surprise. I sold our last one but pre bed bugs by a year. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    2. Anon5775*

      My couch cushions are not removable from the frame, but I can flip it over and with some work, I slid in some foam pieces under various springs to firm it up a bit. I could tell by sitting on it that I was listing to one side and it was messing with my back enough that I went to the chiropractor. So that helped with the firmness. Mine is about 14 yrs old and there are definite wear marks but I don’t know that a visitor would notice and be offended by it, it’s more that I notice it.

    3. filosofickle*

      Mine’s 14 years old and I’ve wanted a new one for several years…for awhile I didn’t have the money and now we’re thinking we’ll move in a year or two so we should wait. I’m so tired of faded arms and beaten-down cushions. My last one came from a local sofa “outlet”, a local manufacturer, and I was very happy with that experience. It was the same price as a low end stock piece from a big retailer (like C&B) but we got to customize the fabric, firmness, length, and finishes starting with a standard model. I do not like many stock sofas so I was glad to find something custom for the same price or less.

    4. Atchafalaya*

      We bought living room furniture from Bassett in 2007. We got a 96” sofa, a loveseat, and a large chair-and-a-half/large ottoman combo. There’s a bit of wear and tear on the chair&1/2, and my spot on the sofa is prob a little saggy, but it’s all still in great condition and very comfy. I highly recommend Basset! (We’re in the USA)

    5. JKP*

      I bought new foam inserts for all my couch cushions for about $150, and it was good as new. I had to measure very carefully, and it was challenging to get them into the covers, but when it was done, no more saggy seats.

    6. Fikly*

      A short term fix you can try is to put a board between the couch bed and the cushions. It won’t make it like new, and the cushions will continue to get worse, but I cannot fathom buying a couch without sitting on it.

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        That’s my hesitation also. I’ve at least sat on the lovesac couches, so I know what that is. But unless there’s a fantastic return policy…

        I knew about the board, but I didn’t know that getting new foam inserts was an option. I’ll have to look into that too. I’ve already thrown a protection thing over the couch since I have one dog who’s a little slobbery.

  85. Sparkly Librarian*

    We have officially kept a child alive one year. The birthday girl did not want to miss a moment, so she was up bright and early at 5:55 AM. Ooof. Thankfully that means a longer nap, so the grownups are decorating the dining room for the post-lunch Zoom call with family and friends. I guess quarantine saved us from having to plan (read: pay for; I love planning) a party? Her present are a bike helmet and some educational sensory toys from Lakeshore, and I hear that a set of foam climbing blocks are in the mail. Plus that dining room being converted into baby floor gym because a toddler can’t learn to walk in a pack’n’play.

    1. lazy intellectual*

      1-yr old is such a cute age!! (I say this as someone who has never had to parent a 1 year old lol)

    2. Cher Horowitz*

      Happy birthday!!!
      I hope she (and you) had a wonderful day.
      The gifts sound perfect and I bet she’s living the conversion to play area!

  86. i love tiny things*

    Two days ago I was sad because I finally went through with cancelling the big overseas trip planned for this summer due to COVID-19. I was sad because I thought there was a good possibility that I’d be pregnant/have a baby by the time next summer rolled around, making it impossible to take the big trip. But then yesterday my husband found out that his teaching contract is not being renewed, essentially firing him. He has always struggled with finding a job that he could do and not hate doing (he has a PhD in his field, but wasn’t in the 1% that got a tenure-track university teaching position after, and he’s been teaching some community college and some high school classes ever since, which means lots of time writing lecture notes for every new class he teaches on top of the everyday hustle of homework, etc – exhausting and thankless).

    And I can’t believe we’re going to start over again, just when I thought he was in a stable position and we could start trying for those kids and my biggest concern was the vacation we might not get to take together. Now it feels like the kids thing may even be off the table entirely due to my age and the uncertainty of his job prospects. I’m so upset for him. But I’m also grieving what could have been for me and for us, which I don’t think has occurred to him yet. And I’m already tired thinking about all of the support I’m going to need to give on top of what we’ve done through over the past 6 weeks or so as his anxiety spiked over COVID-19 concerns. I’m tired and sad.

    I’ve read this forum for ages and never commented…thankful that I have somewhere I could vent this out today. Much love to you all.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      And this is one of the many ways we use grief. Grief can be for watching life plans seemingly start to slip away. It’s that hard, not much different than a funeral of sorts. I hope something changes for the better here very, very soon for the both of you.

    3. Overeducated*

      I’m so sorry. My husband also has a PhD and a non-tenure track job, and while he hasn’t been laid off yet, it’s very much not stable and permanent, I’m nervous, and we are not where we thought we’d be by now either. This time is hard in general and you are not alone in that particular aspect of it being hard. I hope you get the big things in life that you yearn for.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      …wow…
      I hope you get a lucky break of some kind soon.
      Sending hopeful, kind thoughts.

    6. i love tiny things*

      Thank you all for your kind words. Really appreciate the positive messages on what was a very bad no good weekend!

  87. KoiFeeder*

    CPAP got denied because my insurance doesn’t want to pay for nonessentials right now.

    If you’ll excuse me, I will lay on the floor and mossify.

    1. Enough*

      Ridiculous. I’m pretty sure breathing and good sleep are essentials, in fact life sustaining.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I nearly suffocated recently because my sleep apnea and sleep paralysis crossed wires and I just straight-up stopped breathing for a bit. So. Yes. I would not like to die.

    2. Dan*

      WTF? I have one, because I *need* it. Yeah, I won’t die *tonight* without it, but where I’m at on the spnea scale, the long term effects of improper sleep were going to add up.

      To be clear, we are *not* talking about “beauty sleep” here.

      How bad are your sleep apnea scores? I could see an argument for someone with a low score getting denied (my dad *got* the machine but gave it back; he just *barely* scores on the apnea scale.) I’m moderate, so the effects for me are much more pronounced.

      How bad are your scores, and what does your doctor say?

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I haven’t had the test yet, actually. There was an incident where sleep paralysis and my likely sleep apnea crossed wires and I just. Stopped breathing. I don’t know how long, I was heavily freaked out by the incident and my doctor wasn’t too happy about it either, so she’d tried to get me a CPAP machine without the test.

        1. Cora*

          That’s probably the reason they are denying it. Getting durable medical equipment (wheelchairs, CPAP, etc.) covered by insurance can be a huge pain in the butt requiring tons of paperwork and appeals. There are usually specific criteria that have to be met also, and if they aren’t, then the insurance will deny it outright.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        That being said, I do technically have an upcoming test on the eighth of may. I wasn’t intending to go because, yanno, if I get COVID I am super dead… But after the “oops! stopped breathing!” incident I’m not sure I want to skip.

        1. Out in the Wilderness*

          Not sure what options you have where you live, but my partner’s sleep test was actually done at home. She had to go in and pick up a device, which she strapped to her body when she went to bed that night. Then we brought it back in and dropped it off the next day.

          Still some contact at the pick up/drop off, but not like having to spend the night in a facility around other people. And you get to sleep in your own bed.

          Might be worth checking with your doctor as to whether that is possible? Would certainly be the more socially distant way to handle the test.

          (Her test was last summer, so long before COVID. And yes, she now has a CPAP).

    3. Wishing You Well*

      CPAPs are essential. Hope you get one soon.
      I hope your doctor will try again. The sleep paralysis should’ve clinched a machine for you.
      Let’s hope a second (or third) try will get you that CPAP.
      Fingers crossed.

    4. Fikly*

      This is not the end – have your doctor appeal.

      I have fought this insurance bs so many times, but their main strategy is hoping you stop fighting.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        She intends to appeal, don’t worry about that! Frankly, I’d almost feel sorry for them if they didn’t deserve it. She can be pretty scary.

        She’s very sick of my insurance at this point- they already tried to refuse the sleep test because I wasn’t at the “indicated BMI” or some such nonsense.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Apnea isn’t always weight related, and they should know that. My family just seems to have necks with a built-in expiration date. Somewhere between 40-45, our necks get fed up and start trying to kill us.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            I have Ehler’s-Danlos anyways, but more importantly, it’s not like I’ve suddenly started experiencing symptoms. My dad and I have had symptoms our entire lives, so once he was confirmed for sleep apnea, it’s pretty much certain that I’ve got it too.

        2. Dan*

          Bmi is bs at the individual level anyway. it’s designed to compare population averages, and any competent medical practitioner should know that.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            And how many competent medical practitioners do you think an american health insurance company employs in the claims denial department?

        3. Imtheone*

          There’s an at home sleep apnea test now. Maybe they could arrange for you to do that one. It’s probably not quite as precise at the one that people do in the sleep clinic, but it provides useful information and might be enough to allow your CPAP to be properly set for you.

  88. J.J.*

    [Warning: Weight issues, weight loss surgery and possible trauma mentioned if isn’t your thing]

    I have struggled with my weight my whole adult life. I was average sized as a child and teenager but as an adult I’ve always been overweight. No matter what I do [calorie counting, pills, every diet under the sun, gym membership, personal trainers, hypnosis and even a temporary gastric ballon]. Nothing has worked. I’m scared to even try permanent weight loss surgery because the temporary band and temporary balloon didn’t work. I have been to several doctors to check my thyroid and other things and they all say there is no medical reason stopping me from losing weight. I had a good childhood, I have never experienced major trauma like bullying or s*xual ass*ult. My family is good and we get along. None one in my life (family/friends/colleagues) has been cruel to me about my weight. I went to therapy and both therapists said I am well adjusted. I love food but I don’t know why I can’t eat better or lose weight. I haven’t weighed under 200 since I was 19. I’m 34 now and I’m at least 100 pounds more. I feel like I can talk about this among those I don’t know in real life. Advice is welcome but just hearing from others would also be fine. I’m okay with talking/hearing about weight with those who feel the same and are okay with it.

    1. Jonah*

      Have you tried seeing a therapist for long term cognitive behavioral therapy? I’ve been in much the same boat, except I was overweight even as a kid. I’ve found CBT to be very helpful. There’s quite a bit of research that says that people who believe they can achieve a goal are significantly more likely to achieve said goal. That’s what CBT will focus on, helping you convince yourself that you can make the changes needed to lose weight. Noom is also a great starting place if you haven’t tried it. It’s basically CBT lite in app form specifically for weight loss. It’s been helpful for me in a lot of ways, and I’ve lost around 25 pounds since January, and I don’t feel miserable like I have with diets.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Have you looked at nutrition or developing a plan to eat to meet your nutritional needs?

      Have you been checked for allergy or chemical sensitivity? Are you exposed to some serious chemicals because of work or where you live?

      It took me almost 20 years to go from a 24 to a 10. My best thought is never stop trying. Take breaks, let yourself up for air for a bit, and then try again. I ended up having a bunch of stuff going on that didn’t have too much to do with food. I had allergies, chemical sensitivities, I did not sleep well and I paid no attention to my hydration levels. And yeah, I went years without losing weight even though that was a serious goal in my life.

      My heart goes out to you, because I had my own version of A Big Battle going on. Before it was over I changed almost everything in my life. And it’s still not really over. I know how to eat an entire box of cookies in one sitting and I can’t UNlearn that. So even now, I still watch what I am doing. Fortunately (???) if I eat certain things I end up feeling really crappy very fast. And that motivates me not to eat that box of cookies.
      In short, when I decided to focus on health rather than focus on weight, I started gaining ground. Interestingly, I was 34 when I started this new focus. I will be 60 this year. I could have better muscle tone etc. But I know for a fact that I could be far worse off healthwise without doing what I have done so far.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Y’know, allergy testing is a good idea. You want to know about ANY allergies you might have.
        Sometimes the food we crave is food we should avoid. Knowing about allergies allows you to make informed choices.
        CBT is worth a try, too.
        Best of Luck.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          The allergies were blocking my weight loss. And yeah, the very stuff I was having trouble with was the very stuff I would chow down.

    3. MelissaNotMissy*

      I really like reading the r/loseit subreddit on Reddit. People are very supportive there, and there’s a huge variety of people at all different sizes who talk about their weight loss journey, ask questions, vent, etc.

    4. Nessun*

      Sympathy and understanding to you, my friend. I am the same way – just can’t figure it out, but don’t know where the block is. From day to day my best advice has been to focus on being healthy at the weight I’m at. Obviously I’d be healthier weighing less, but in the meantime I do things to strengthen my muscles, back, knees, etc. So that when my head is sorted, my body will be in a place to move forward. Internet hugs if you want them, and best wishes.

    5. J. F.*

      The only thing I’d suggest – if you have access – is a medical weight loss center. Good ones will try to work with the ‘whole person ‘ and help you make sustainable changes rather than saying your thyroid is fine so it’s all you. There’s a well known obesity doctor called Yoni Freedhoff who writes a blog, you might want to read this article (no shaming, about how to best support people while they make changes: http://www.weightymatters.ca/2016/08/in-lancet-kevin-hall-and-i-call-out.html)

    6. Alexandra Lynch*

      I am having success with calorie counting and logging with MyFitnessPal. But I had already done the very hard work of breaking the binge eating habits before I did it, and I had to wait til I divorced and got myself into a much healthier mental space and now I’m 25 pounds down, which is one-quarter of the weight I want to lose this year.

      I will never be a model. The body under this is muscular with a lot of T & A. Fortunately, I kink for being strong and competent and so I work to increase my strength and become able to do more every day. My partners also kink for strong women, so we’re good. (I am reassured daily, when they let me precede them up the stairs, that I’m still attractive to them.)

      I’m also aware that what three large babies did to my abs will not repair itself without surgery, and the sagging skin on my front may require surgical intervention, and I’m okay with that. But I wouldn’t be okay with surgery on my guts to lose weight. (shrug)

      I do wish you luck with finding a path that will help your body be what you want it to be.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Do you have any classic symptoms of ADHD, or have you ever been diagnosed?

      Weight management is a long term project that requires planning, organization, impulse control, and consistency. Many people who have ADHD or other executive function problems see them manifest as weight issues. I particularly notice that you have explored psychological reasons, but they don’t seem to fit. ADHD traits can look like psychological “self-sabotage,” and often send folks rummaging around in their subconscious for trauma or emotional problems that aren’t there.

      I don’t know if you’re a man or a woman, but weight issues are especially common in women with inattentive type ADHD who “passed” as neurotypical in school because they didn’t act up.

      It’s something to consider. Read up on symptoms, and there’s a self-assessment from the WHO. You don’t need a formal diagnosis if you think some of the systems & techniques for ADHD self-management might be helpful.

      Some things that help me stay on track are dividing a big goal into smaller milestones to focus on; using automated reminders and prompts; packing my food for the day even if I’m at home; rewarding myself for doing positive behaviors like drink water, and exercising outside whenever possible to get the added benefit of the “green time” effect on the brain.

    8. Temporary for this....*

      I went from your weight, down. Over a period of time (parts of it slow, then fast, then slower). And I’ve remained at my goal “range” for almost 16 years now.

      It was a combination of things for me, but I did have weight loss surgery as the second phase (the vertical gastrectomy/ duodenal switch). But I also tackled all the other things.
      First, I learned about balanced nutrition. (american diabetic exchange diet) I had made some foods “forbidden” and done so many diets, that I had shut down my metabolism, and the weight loss/ regain cycle had put on more fat each time. I also learned to keep a food journal. I literally retrained myself, to be mindful in what I was eating, and measured and weighed food, recalibrated what portions were and did the math. Not to lose weight, but to make sure I was getting all my nutrients. Too much diet coke, and not enough protein.

      I handled my medical issues – my Sinus/ breathing issues (bi-PAP, then tonsils, adenoids, and throat surgery to remove the excess skin… my blood oxygen level was like 90, all the time, or worse). I lost 10 pounds just from breathing better. My clinical depression. My anemia, my hydration (all that diet coke did not help). Again, my nutrition sucked.

      And… my emotions. Food was my everything, the filler, the feelings. I had 7 years of wonderful therapy, plus a support group. The therapy was not about ‘weight’ – it was about me, healing, learning alternative ways of coping. I had in many ways a great family, but I had in some ways issue from the way my brain worked.

      And I accepted that metabolically, I was just – not normal. (Diabetes ran so rampant in my family that to describe the extent would out myself here).

      So the weight loss surgery came after I lost the first 50 pounds over two + years, then had a physical setback and regained – and realized that if I could get a tool to help me, I felt I could take more off over time. (I did).

      But… I also found some motivation. My dad died (normal weight, but diabetes and then heart), and I flunked a major lab test. I was, as they might say, scared. Every time I thought about dying young, I decided to make the healthiest choice for me. Less sugar, more veggies. Every bite was a positive choice, to affirm me.

      And lots of movement. I started slow, but began moving. A minute more every day. And I added one good habit, got it down, and then added another. I slowly began to respect myself. There is so much to do yet (floss! LOL).

      But most of all, I found that it was a combo of things, and I kept whittling away at it. Most of all, I found myself by focusing on owning each small change, seeing each positive step. And being patient and kind with myself, but just keep chugging away. The weight loss surgery was a tool, not the complete solution. What WLS was for me, was an important tool to get me over that hurdle, under 200#, down to where I could add other things. (for example, movement and then exercise… which got me the rest of the way with the nutrition).

      All the best to you. Just wanted to encourage you to be patient… and kind to yourself.

    9. Professor Plum*

      I am a short person who used to weigh over 200 pounds. After a wake up call I decided it was time to get healthy. Part of getting healthy for me was losing weight, but my focus was health and the weight loss was a side effect.

      I spent some time learning about nutrition and kept running into the idea of sugar being addictive. I decided I could eliminate sugar for a month and see what happened. Part of my discovery during this phase was that carbs=sugar AND grains. So I changed from my default breakfast of oatmeal to a default breakfast of eggs. Soon I could comfortably wear the clothes in my closet. And I was feeling better—healthier in every way. A few months later I started buying smaller clothes at thrift stores and donating the clothes that were now too big for me.

      I didn’t go on a diet, I changed my diet. I started for 30 days and felt so much better that I just kept going. It’s been two years and the changes are my new normal. It’s possible to learn new behaviors when you’re ready to learn new lessons. Good luck!

  89. Anonnington*

    I’m taking this time to slim down the slow and healthy way. For a while, I was dealing with some health issues and couldn’t work out. Now I’m feeling better, so I want to get back in shape.

    I refuse to do anything approaching disordered eating. Cookie cravings? Fine. Have cookies. But also eat a plant-centric, low fat diet overall, walk 4 – 10 miles a day, lift weights, and do random exercises as time allows. I feel great and it seems to be working.

    Now that I’m feeling more fit, I want to explore my area (when possible) and see what fun outdoors stuff there is to do around here. I’m in Brooklyn. It would be nice to get outside the city sometimes. Recommendations for Long Island parks and outdoors stuff are welcome.

    1. lazy intellectual*

      I was actively trying to lose weight a couple years ago and started making more progress after I stopped “dieting” in the traditional sense. I started off doing the whole “No junk food – only chicken breast portion-controlled diet” and realized it made me crazy. Whenever I found myself exposed to “unhealthy food” I went crazy and binged. I then decided to reset and started eating 3 square meals a day – most meals “healthy” but sometimes it was pizza, burgers and fries, etc. I stopped monitoring too much. I still went out to eat with friends and kept up my exercise routine. I reached my goal weight in 6 months.

      1. Anonnington*

        That’s great! Yeah, if I try to restrict my diet, I gain weight. It’s like the stress of thinking about it does something to my metabolism. For me, the most effective method is to exercise more every day and eat more fruits and vegetables. Then I eventually stop craving sugar and other stuff like that.

        Currently, I’m at a healthy weight. I just want to get more toned. So it’s really easy, but kind of challenging at the same time.

  90. Reader*

    Might you consider linking to Bookshop.org and supporting indie bookstores instead of Amazon? They also have an affiliate program, so you can still get a cut (with a second cut going to the pool of stores, who really need it right now, more than Amazon does!).

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      In theory I’d love to, but I’ve compared the two and unfortunately it would bring in markedly less revenue. Online ad revenue has plummeted since the outbreak, so it’s not a time I can even think about switching.

  92. Megs*

    My job can’t be done from home, so I’m homebound until this is all over. I’ve had lots of time on my hands and have probably spent more time on social media than I should. I totally randomly stumbled onto an old acquaintance and there was a photo of a guy I had a crush on for a long time. In the summer of 2018 I asked him out on a date. He declined but he wasn’t a jerk about it and he said he wasn’t looking to date but if that changed he would let me know. The photo was his wedding that took place in February. From the caption on the photo, he joined a dating site not long after I asked him out. He met his now wife a month later and they got married on the “18 month anniversary of the day they first spoke”. His wife is my opposite (she’s tall and I’m not, she’s thin and probably 1/3 my weight, she’s classically attractive and I’m not in the traditional sense). Back then I thought he honestly wasn’t ready to date but now I see he just didn’t want to date me. I looked up his wife, she is a surgeon who has worked for doctors without borders and she has medals from the army and she’s like the stereotype of too good to be true. I don’t even know why I care because it was a year and a half ago. I tried online dating but never got anywhere. I can’t even go out with my friends to sulk or drown my sorrows. Has anyone else here had back luck in dating?

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Looking back, my “bad luck” dating turned out to save me from some very unsuitable dudes. Wish I knew then what I know now; I would’ve walked on. It’s possible that if you had known this guy well, you might have dumped him!
      Treat yourself kindly. You’ll be out and about in awhile.

    2. Fikly*

      He may very well have honestly not been looking to date when you asked. A lot of people aren’t and then when they meet someone, for some reason, it changes their mind.

      Don’t think of it as he didn’t want to date you, specifically. More likely, he didn’t want to date anyone, except the person he married.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That happened to me. I married him after saying that I had no real desire to get married any time soon. The truth is I really did not have any strong push to marry soon. But he came along and that went out the window.

        It’s really good not to use words like always, never or any real strong definitive words like that. Because it really confuses our audience and we can end up looking silly at best or worse we can send out confusing messages.

  93. Catherine*

    Wow Alison. Six cats! I am still fairly new to Ask A Manager, but I thought you only had four cats (Sophie, Wallace, Hank and Shadow). What are the names of the other two?

    (I would love to have a house full of cats. But I live in a one bedroom, four room apartment with only two windows and no outdoor space, and my sweet boy is deaf and had trouble with the other cats at the shelter (he was brought in with an abandoned kitten litter last spring). I love my sweet boy and my apartment though so it isn’t all bad)

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Olive and Eve, who were foster fails (ages 7 and 5, respectively) before we adopted Sophie and Wallace. And then we foster failed with Hank and Shadow two months ago. Olive is the calico on her side in the photo, and Eve is the grey tortie in the bottom left.

  94. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Alison, have you ever thought of creating a Youtube channel of your cats daily life? There’s a Cole and Marmalade hole in my heart that I’ve trying to fill watching Korean cat channels like Mejoo and Cats, MilkyBoki, Arirang, SuriNoel, among others.

    2. Three owls in a trench coat*

      Check out Rachel & Jun’s Adventures. They’re a Japanese-American couple and not all of their videos are about their three cats. But the ones that are, are fairly long and both informative and entertaining.

      I think my favorite video was when Rachel brought fruit-themed hats for the cats. The cats didn’t like them but they sure were cute!

  95. Joan (of Ark)*

    How is everyone dealing with feelings of loneliness and isolation during this time of lockdown?

    I admit it’s been hard for me at times. This week my both my cousin and my good friend gave birth. Both babies are healthy and I am happy for them. But now, I am only person on my family, among my friends and among my colleagues who is not married and doesn’t have children. I’m also the only one who rents an apartment as opposed to buying a house. I’m single and I live alone. I hear the kids of my colleagues during calls having fun in the background. I’m the oldest of my cousins (37). My aunts and uncles and cousins on both sides are all married. I have no single/no child friends or colleagues. All of siblings have more than one child. Normally I keep busy with work but my work cannot be done remotely so I’m off right now. I’m keeping in touch with my friends and family via video, phone and email but it just isn’t the same.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      This is such a hard part of all this, we are so isolated and cannot go help each other. I’m pretty sure many of those people you describe would really like some alone time!

      But that does not help you. My son lives on his own and he is pretty lonely. He games online and has started posting videos. That seems to hep him feel connected. Maybe there is a project like that which you would like to do? He also calls me everyday, which is not typical for us.

      Wishing you the best!

    3. Academia blues*

      The thing that helps me in times like this is to remember that there are so many people in the world who share my lifestyle and values.

      Often enough, local culture is very specific (e.g., women tend to give birth in their twenties, couples immediately invest in their own home etc) and it’s easy to feel like a failure if one doesn’t fit in.

      But local culture is just that – local. People in different cities and countries act differently. Just because people in my immediate vicinity are different from me, for example, doesn’t mean that something is wrong with me.

      Obviously, it’s lovely to have your own family but there is plenty of other things that are lovely too. Besides, so many people in the world happily live in arrangements that have nothing to do with hollywood-esque families.

  96. New Fed Here*

    Does anyone know where I can buy a replacement battery for a MacBook Pro? I don’t see them for sale on apple’s website.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Apple won’t sell them because as far as Apple is concerned, they’re not user-replaceable. Certified repair shops only.

    3. blackcat*

      iFixit will help you find exactly the right product. Their guides are also very good, but as a warning, depending on your model, the battery may be *super glued* to the inside! It can be a real PITA to get it off. Lots of nail polish remover and patience was required when I did it the first time. Everything was straight forward except getting the glue off, and you can’t just pry the battery off since that risks combusting it…

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Apple makes it a pain to do user repairs.

        Unfortunately for them, I now have a soldering iron and no fear.

  97. Annony*

    Any recommendations for shows to watch? I just finished getting caught up on The Expanse, Nightflyers, Survivor, Before the 90 Days and The Great Food Truck Race. I am so bored.

    1. Parenthetically*

      A random assortment of Stuff We Like:
      The Crown
      Unforgotten
      Fleabag (one of the best shows I’ve seen in years)
      Brooklyn 99
      30 Rock (our favorite comedy)
      Derry Girls (absolutely wonderful)
      Broadchurch
      Secrets of the Castle
      the “Farm” series — Tudor Monastery Farm, Edwardian Farm, Victorian Farm, Wartime Farm, etc.
      Binging with Babish

      If you like food things, do yourself a HUGE favor and get into the Bon Appetit YouTube channel. Gourmet Makes and It’s Alive are favorite shows, but pretty much every chef in the test kitchen is a delight.

      1. Jaid*

        The Farm series also has Victorian Pharmacy.

        Time Team (archeologists have three days to work on any site in the UK)

        I also like Travel Thirsty, an ASMR cooking show. Set in Asia, each 30 minute or so episode shows food prep, cooking, and eating. Occasionally, you’ll see the purchase of the food. From crocodiles, ostriches, various fish and fowl and other animals on the hoof, this show will have any kind of dish. No one talks except for background noise. It’s just really cool to watch.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      Recently I enjoyed Bonfire of Destiny on Netflix and Home Before Dark on Apple TV. The great British bake off has all its seasons on Netflix too. Actually I have lots of Netflix recs! Safe, The Five, Dark, Babylon Berlin, Sense8, Miss Fishers Murder Mysteries.

    3. Skeletor's Suggestions*

      If you like fashion shows Netflix’s Next in Fashion and Amazon Prime’s Making the Cut are both really good.

      I’m into Too Cute! on Hulu (from the Animal Planet) because kittens and puppies make me laugh.

      Netflix has a ton of the Great British Bake-Off including two holiday specials (still waiting for the Derry Girls one) Also, Nailed It! on Netflix is just good fun (home bakers try their hands at high end baking pieces)

    4. Princess Deviant*

      Mary Kills People, a Canadian show from 2016, I think, which I just discovered. It was great.

    6. Selmarie*

      Deadwood. I also read along as I watched the episodes some synopses/fan insights and comments. David Milch is a very interesting and creative man (sadly, I read he now has Alzheimers). I should mention that the language is pretty “salty,” so if that bothers you, there’s a LOT of it. Hoping to see the finale/movie soon!

      Also loved Mary Kills People, and I saw that Dead to Me is returning May 8.

    7. Melody Pond*

      If you’re into Star Wars at all… I’m utterly obsessed with Clone Wars right now. The final four episode arc of the 7th season (which was recently revived, after something like a ten year hiatus) is mind-blowingly good – much better than any of the prequel trilogy movies OR the most recent sequel trilogy, in my opinion.

      It starts off with a TV movie, and then the show picks up from there – for a while, it’s cheesy and like exactly what you’d expect out of a kids show but somewhere late in the first season/early in the second season, it morphs into something totally different.

      Since not every episode is a total gem, I’d start with this list of “essential” episodes put together by Disney:
      https://insidethemagic.net/2020/02/star-wars-the-clone-wars-essential-episodes-tm1/

      And to that list, I’d add season 6, episodes 1, 2, 3, and 4 – the Order 66 arc. And then in my opinion, all of season 7 has been pretty great (only 12 episodes total), but the final four episodes of season 7 are the climax to the entire show, and… just mindblowing.

      Oh and then Dave Filoni’s second Star Wars show, Rebels, just ups the ante from there. The end to Rebels season 2 packs a huge emotional punch – paying off development from Clone Wars, Rebels, AND the original trilogy of Star Wars. (Dave Filoni is also one of the producers on The Mandalorian.)

    8. allathian*

      We’re currently watching:
      World on Fire (British drama set in the UK, Germany and Poland during WW2).
      Vikings (HBO)
      Westworld (HBO)
      Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

      Expedition Unknown (history/exploration show with Josh Gates on Discovery/Travel)

  98. Catherine from Canada*

    We decided to get a second freezer but so evidently did everyone else in our area. Checked all the usual suspects and the earliest we could get one delivered was mid-May. Then I remembered a small appliance store near the rural hamlet we lived in 15 years ago.
    Called them, they had one in stock and could deliver the next day.
    The best part is … it’s camouflage! It’s from hunter’s country and it’s camouflage!
    I giggle every time I go to the basement now.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      But how can you find it? Lol.
      Our fridge had been dying for a while but really started to go in late March. We weee able to order one online and it got delivered 2 days ago. So glad our fridge hung on till it arrived.

    3. Lost in the Woods*

      I have nothing to add but I will tell you that this made me audibly snort. Of course they make camo freezers.

    4. Aurora Leigh*

      We had been planning to get a deep freezer for months before all this happened — just needed to clear the space. Finally got that taken care of and of course you can’t buy them in the big box stores!

  99. 00ff00Claire*

    Has anyone here made their own face masks? I’ve made some very basic ones that are similar the type that is widely demonstrated with a bandana, but I want to make some that are better and I’m not sure what design / pattern to pick. I will probably try the design that is like a surgical mask, with pleats on the sides. But I would like to try one of the designs that is more fitted – the most common ones appear to look similar to wearing one cup of a bra over your nose / mouth. Has anyone found a good pattern that fits snugly? Would especially like one that doesn’t need any metal inserted in order to pinch it over your nose, but I also think I could make that work. TIA!

    1. Pharmgirl*

      Check out Jennifer Makers masks if you haven’t already – she’s got some patterns for both no sew and sew type masks.

    2. blackcat*

      I’ve been making pleated surgical mask style ones with a pocket for a twist tie over the nose. I find those pretty comfortable and fast/easy to make, and they fit a wide range of face sizes snugly. I don’t mind inserting/removing a twist tie.

    3. Parenthetically*

      I’ve made a couple of Craft Passion’s fitted mask and it looks really good and fits snugly — and she’s got three sizes as well, which I like. I wear glasses so I need the pipe cleaner option or my glasses fog up with every exhale.

    4. LNLM*

      Check out the pattern and directions for: mask by a nurse for a nurse, version 2.0 (Just google it, it will come right up). I found the pattern online. I slip a piece of wire in the binding on the upper edge so it can be snug to the nose. It is not a large mask. Make it with ties instead of elastic so you can tie it snugly. Good luck!

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      The Olson mask has a filter pocket if you like that. The MimiG pattern is pretty fitted as well. You can stitch a ribbon or binding near the top of the lining (right side of hte lining) before you assemble the mask and slide a twist tie or a piece of pipe cleaner or other wire in there for wear and slide it out for laundering. I bumped out the curve of the MimiG mask about 5/8″ for my picky fiance and I made the elastic 26″ instead of 22. You can use ribbon or a fabric tie if you can’t get elastic.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Ive made flat pleated masks in bulk for the local drive to supply healthcare workers & first responders. I’ve also made a few of the fitted masks from Craft Passion.

      The fitted ones are fiddly, and you’d need to have a bit of sewing experience or I think it would drive you batty. If you sew already, they aren’t hard.

      The flat pleated ones are a good beginner project. I get a very good fit by using cloth ties instead of elastic. Tie them in an X behind your head with the top tie going over your ears – it’s very snug.

      Most comfortable are ties made of Tshirt material.

    7. Searching*

      I’ve made the one linked below (once the link clears moderation) but it was a little too wide for my face so had to take about 1/2 or 3/4 inch off the sides. I used the pipe cleaner nose inserts but the person who sent it to me said she didn’t bother, so it may work for you without. I’ve made 3 of these now but decided they take me too long to make, so I switched to making the pleated rectangular ones where I can do some assembly line sewing.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I posted upthread about making disposable ones out of shop towels. Google “easy no sew shop towel mask tutorial – shortened edit” to find a YouTube video tutorial.

    10. Wandering*

      PSA that ribbon is so much more comfortable than elastic around the ears. I don’t sew, but have been given a couple masks by generous friends who do – but had to remove the elastic as it was painful, and slipped ribbon in instead and just tie it. You can also put slip knots on the ribbon so they become more adjustable.

    11. 00ff00Claire*

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I’m alright at sewing so I am pretty confident I can do the basic one but I also want to attempt a more fitted one partly because it will be a nice project for while I’m stuck at home. I was able to pick up some good fabric with patterns we like from our local fabric store who is offering no-contact curbside service. There are so many mask patterns out there though, I don’t want to waste fabric on one that is a dud and have to go back for more. Thanks again!

  100. Randomity*

    This feels like a stupid question but it’s been bugging me.

    The group chat I’m finding best for the purposes of keeping me fairly sane is… my Pokémon Go group, which consists of one girl I’ve been friends with for about a year and a load of people I’ve met 3 times at the most, some not at all and who are all about 20 years younger than me and mostly closer in age to my son than to me.

    Is this odd?

    It probably doesn’t matter if it is, but it feels very weird.

    1. KoiFeeder*

      What’s so weird about it?

      Frankly, I suspect the group really appreciates having you around. I know that as a grad student who knows nothing, I am super super grateful to AAM for having Adultier Adults I can call on when I need to.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Nah, none of that strikes me as weird! I’ve always loved having mature-age nerds in my nerd groups.

    3. Randomity*

      Thank you both!

      People don’t usually guess how old I am so they might not know and probably don’t really care. It just kind of feels weird that the people who make my day feel brighter are much younger than me – Gen Z to my Gen X, they’re not even one generation behind me!

    4. LGC*

      Not really? Like, unless you’re in your 30s and they’re in their teens (which I don’t think you are, by the sounds of it – and also, it’s PoGo, I don’t think the teens care about it anymore anyway), it’s not THAT weird.

    6. J. F.*

      I have taken to making increasingly elaborate jello creations. Pokemon is definitely less weird than the sudden jello obsession! You have a common interest you can all participate in and it’s not about the pandemic, sounds perfect to me!

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        You’ve sparked my fond memories of my mom’s circa early 1960s, spiral-bound Jell-o recipe book with items such as the brandy snifter filled with diagonal stripes of differently colored jello. (Add the layers one at a time. Tilt the snifter so each liquid semi-solidifies at an angle.) Another one ended up looking like milk glass because the recipe said to add milk to the Jell-o.

  102. First cat!*

    I’m getting my first cat on Monday. I’m so exited! I think I have everything I need, as far as supplies. To all you cat experts out there: Do you have any advice for me? He’s about 8 months. Rescued as a kitten. Been fostered since then. Thanks!

    1. cat socks*

      Congrats on the new kitty!

      I know things are a little different with COVID-19, but make note of your vet’s after hours and emergency procedures. Or see if there are any urgent care or emergency vet offices in your area. Hopefully you won’t have to deal with anything like that, but it’s good to be prepared so you’re not scrambling last minute.

      Set up in a separate room with food, water, litter box, etc. so he can get used to the sights and smells of the new place. All my cats are adults, but I think with youngster you’ll want to keep an eye on him as he explores the house.

      Wand toys like Da Bird are a great way to help him expend extra energy.

      Take tons of pictures and videos. Fill up a card and take more. You will always treasure those memories. Have fun with your new addition!

    2. New Normal*

      Congratulations! I’m not an expert but have managed to keep my 3 alive and mostly happy so I guess that’s something. 8 months is still mostly kitten so expect a LOT of energy. Watch some of Jackson Galaxy’s YouTube stuff for ideas on how to play with your new guy. And if one toy doesn’t work, try a different one. One of my cats likes string toys, one likes batting around springs, and the third is indifferent to anything except nerf darts and live insects. So experiment. And enjoy! Cats are amazing little weirdos.

    3. Princess Deviant*

      Insurance is always worthwhile imo. Keep a record of the injections he’s had. Flea and worm regularly.
      Definitely concur with having the numbers of the vets (emergency and non-emergency) and the insurers in your phone.
      Most of all, take a gazillion pictures and enjoy him :)
      And congrats!

  103. Rosemary Woodhouse*

    Has anyone here ever grown out a short haircut gracefully? I have a pixie and my last cut was a month and a half ago. I’ve decided it’s time to grow it out. Currently my length is the style of Michelle Williams at the 2012 Oscars. My first goal is to have hair that is long enough to put behind my ears, all one length with no layers or bangs. From there I can let it grow more if I want and it will be easier since it’ll be all one length. I’ve searched online and from that learned it will take 6-9 months to grow out. I’m not looking to color and looking to cut it as little as possible as I grow it out and while I know there will be awkward phases [now is a good time to go through them] but I would like to do this as gracefully and polished looking as possible if anyone can help.

      1. Sidney*

        I have never had short hair to grow out, but wouldn’t keeping the back short defeat the purpose of what the OP is trying to do? She can’t only grow the front and sides out.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I just mean keep it cut at the nape of the neck until the rest of the hair “catches up,” so it doesn’t grow out looking like a mullet.

      2. hermit crab*

        Yes! I have been cycling between super-short pixie cuts and chin length bobs for a long time, and this is also my #1 piece of advice. Just keep cutting the back, and do it more often than you think you need to. My spouse does it for me and it only takes a few minutes.

    2. Anna Belle*

      I grew mine out when I went to graduate school (for me it was a money issue because frequent haircuts were not conducive to the budget of a student living abroad). I stopped cutting it just after Thanksgiving and by the 4th of July it was long enough to be ear-length. To grow it, I used bobby pins to keep the top and sides pulled back. I twisted the hair and pinned it to give me a retro vibe. I only cut the line where the hairline met the neck to avoid ending up with a mullet. I would get a friend to cut the neckline straight across. That’s it. I didn’t touch the back, top or sides once. I did have bad hair days but at least it looked like I had a purposeful style. Good luck!

      1. Trixie*

        Purposeful style, that’s an excellent description of what to aim for.

        I have a pixie and only had a trim on my last appointment when I knew to get a really tight cut and didn’t. Now my sides and top are feeling mop-ish but also growing out. I don’t color so my silvers are growing out as well. My current stylist has commented a couple times that my silvers are not around the hairline and therefore, creating an interesting effect. I like the idea of bobby pins and such but have a harder time carrying off at retro look compared to 20 years ago. (Last time I grew out a pixie.)

    3. nep*

      Bobby pins were my best friend for a while the two times I grew my hair out after buzz cuts. It’s tough to do it gracefully. It helped me to look at a LOT of photos; I saw some styles I hadn’t thought of, using barrettes and esp bobby pins. (Those pins that are like long bobby pins with ‘gems’–that can give really cute look.)
      Good luck.

    4. Generic Name*

      I recommend going to a good stylist (when you can) and tell them your hair length goals. A lot of people try to grow out short haircuts by simply not getting their hair cut, but that looks way more awkward than a stylist strategically trimming your hair to keep it looking like it has some semblance of a style, even in the awkward between lengths. Be prepared for frustration when your stylist wants to cut more than you’d like, but a good one knows what they’re doing.

      I had a pixie cut when my son was a baby and decided to grow it out when he was about a year old. I think it took me about 2 years to go from a pixie to a chin length bob.

      1. The one ring*

        If it took 2 years for you to grow your hair down to your chin, you need to see a doctor. Hair doesn’t grow that slowly unless there is an underlying condition. Something is definitely wrong there. I went from a pixie cut to that length in way less than a year and my hair isn’t fast growing or anything.

      2. Mollie*

        “I think it took me about 2 years to go from a pixie to a chin length bob.
        This can’t be right.”

        When I shaved my head it took me just over a year to get my hair to my chin. By two years it was past my collarbone. My friend who shaved hers at the same time had a chin length bob by one year. When my cousin grew out her pixie, her hair was at her chin at 8-9 months.

  104. Rexish*

    We have been having a battle of wills in the household for the past week. My bf took the last toilet roll from the 8 pack and left the plastic packaging on the floor. I know at he took the last roll and he did it the last time aswell. Last time I put it in the trash since I figured that he hadn’t noticed it between the shopping and stuff. This time when I noticed it, i decide not to pick it is and see how long it takes. It’s been a week and it’s still on the floor. I decided passive aggressively ask him if it’s trash or if he is planning on using it. Turn out that he thinks I’ve left it and has decided to wait and see how long it takes for me to pick up after myself. We we are being passive aggressive about the same thing towards each other (although, I know he left it).

    Disclaimer: we only buy one 8 pack at a time and only when we are on the last roll so we are not holding paper.

    1. Pennyworth*

      Hmm – how can you not notice taking the last roll and dropping the wrapping on the floor? When he says he thought you left it does he actually mean he thought you’d left it instead of picking it up for him like last time?

      1. Rexish*

        I have no idea! (This is lighthearted)
        He does not throw trash on the floor and expect me to pick it up. I honestly think that in his mind he was just concentrated on getting the loo roll (the package is kept on the floor so it was left there, not throw ) and then the next time he went to bathroom he noticed there was a wrapping on floor. Nothing registered inbetween. In a few weeks we get to see if it happens again. We shall see if this turns into the toothpaste incident of -13.

    2. Fikly*

      I did this once with the used up roll of toilet paper in the holder.

      It was months. *sigh*

      1. Rexish*

        How is that so fricking hard! Fun fact: 4 empty ones can fit on top of the radiator (instead of the trash can in the bathroom)

    3. Jdc*

      People leaving trash on the floor period drives me bonkers but in my home I will fly into a rage. It is pure disrespect to me. I may have a bit of a tick about this due to my ex. Obviously we drop things sometimes but at some point you notice it. I think if I knew my husband was intentionally doing this passive aggressive BS it would be time for a sit down. My stepson however truly does not see when he drops trash but he is in full teenage the world revolves around me mode and I just have to remind myself it’s a teenage thing and let it go.

      1. Rexish*

        I 100% agree. The “funny” point of this was just that we have both been deliberately passive agressive agaist each other about the same thing cause we have both been convinced that the other is to “blame”. Altthough, I’m right (as usual) :D

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      I’m just impressed that you can buy 8 rolls at a time! We have not seen any TP in the regular stores since mid March. Got one of those huge packs at Costco in late March.

      1. Rexish*

        Here the toilet roll panick lasted for a week and shops were out, but since then there has been a good supply and people have bought normal ammounts :D

    5. Paradiddler*

      It’s the toilet paper version of The Suitcase episode of Everyone Loves Raymond! You may not find it funny at the moment, but it involved a suitcase left on the stairway for weeks, I think.

      1. Rexish*

        my parents have a 10 year battle of a chair. Dad thinks it should be facing the tv more. Mom thinks it should be facing the window more. Neither of them ever sits in the chair but everytime they walk past it, they change the angle.

  105. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Which is your hyperfixation now? I fell through the slippery slope of (Ice) Figure Skating. I’ve watched all the official competitions of 2020 and past ones (Milano 2018, Saitama 2019), and now Youtube is bombarding me with fan compilations, because the algorithm insists I must fall in love with a 25-ish Japanese and a 18 Korean cinnamon rolls… I’m not the kind of person who falls for younger people, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going all “cutie! TaKe AlL mY UwUs!” and “GIVE HIM THE FULL GOE, DAMNIT!” every time they appear XDDDDD

    1. Anono-me*

      I don’t really know that I have a hyperfixation right now how about anyting. However you might want to check out a Canadian skater by the name of Kevin Reynolds. I don’t usually watch most sports, but he just seemed to be having so much fun skating to ACDC that I watched a couple of his other routines. They all seemed more fun and less rigid than I usually think of ice skating competitions being.

      Also, I now feel really really old because I didn’t understand a significant amount of what you posted.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I follow Roman Sadovsky on Youtube, because I don’t want to create yet another social media account to stalk younger people, it doesn’t feel good. But I have to admit his rink hunting (before everything closed for good) was hilarious.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Bake with Jack on YouTube. I got hooked on the sourdough and stayed for everything else. He’s adorable and makes carbs! What’s not to like?

      1. RagingADHD*

        I’m interpreting the general tone as equivalent to “hubba hubba” in my native OldSpeak.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I haven’t watched skating since the last Winter Olympics. I have no idea who anyone is now. Mostly I watch ASMR on YouTube, so wherever I go, my recommendations are full of it.

  106. nep*

    Does anyone else love It’s Been a Minute with Sam Sanders?
    Initially I didn’t pay much attention to the program; I think my first exposure to it was a particular segment/topic that wasn’t really of interest to me, and I more or less counted out the show in my head. But in the past year or so I’ve listened regularly. LOVE. Everything about it. I really appreciate how he incorporates listeners.

  107. Belle*

    Allison –

    Can you share the name of the company you used for buying your cat treehouses? They look really solid and my cat has now destroyed 3. I would love to check them out if they are sold online some where.

    1. anon24*

      Not Alison’s, but I highly recommend Kitty Mansion cat trees. I have 2 of them and they are solid, well made, and while expensive, I think they are extremely reasonably priced for what they are. I’ve gotten much more cat tree for my money compared to what I’ve paid from a pet store. You can buy them cheaper from Petco’s website but be aware most models on Amazon are knock offs. I was concerned about poor reviews on Amazon until I realized this. I’ve had mine for maybe 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 years and they’ve seen a lot of use with 2 very energetic large (12 and 19 lb) cats and have held up beautifully. If I ever move somewhere with more space I already have my next one picked out. My cats love ours and spend a lot of time playing and sleeping on them.

      1. Belle*

        Thanks, all! We went with one from New Cat Condos. They are having a sale on solid wood tree houses and free shipping – so worked best for us.

        Thanks again!

    3. Cat Furniture*

      Also not Alison, but I love the one I just bought from Costco. Under $70 and has at least SOME solid wood construction. Particle board does not last at my house.

      See my comment made earlier today for links.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        We bought one that matches that description from Costco like, two years ago and it’s still doing great, just a little ragged in some of the carpet parts.

    4. MissDisplaced*

      If you like a natural look (and have money to spare) check out FurwoodForest dot com
      or AHiddenHollow dot com

      Truly epic cat trees.

  108. Laura H.*

    What are some sources of joy during this time?

    Mine is that a friend of mine does costuming for a group at our local theater and has been dressing up for a daily photo.

    1. Improbably Bob*

      For me it is a combination of:

      – Weekly singing with (UK-based) The Sofa Singers. I live alone so I really can sing like no one is listening. The world is grateful that they can’t hear me.
      – Daily dance classes with (New Zealand-based) Shut Up & Dance. I’ve always loved their in-person classes and now rejoice in the fact that I really can dance like no one is watching. The world is also grateful for this.
      – Dressing up for #FormalFriday at (home-based) work
      – Today’s online gig from (US-based) Erinn Peet-Lukes and similar events by other musicians
      – Yesterday’s Anzac Day Dawn Service – walking to the end of my driveway and seeing, through the dark, that my neighbours had done the same. Waving at one another and then observing the minute’s silence. Knowing that people across Australia and New Zealand were doing the same.
      – Daily walks in my (New Zealand) neighbourhood, spotting all the teddy bears in people’s windows. (And decorating my own front window for other people to enjoy)
      – Phone or Zoom catch ups with the people I love
      – Enjoying nature – seeing a butterfly fly by the window or a seal basking in the sunshine on the beach.

  109. Misty*

    Today has ended up being one of the worst days of my life. If anyone sees this and can think a good thought or a prayer if that’s your thing, for me, that would be really appreciated. I am in shock by the things that have happened today.

    1. Pennyworth*

      I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Sending you all good thoughts and I hope better days are ahead.

    3. Annoyed admin*

      Sending sympathy and understanding your way. Things are already so hard. However you feel after what got piled on you today is valid and I hope that tomorrow is better for you. <3

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Most certainly, prayers and good thoughts for you and yours, Misty.

      Let us know how you are doing.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      You have my good thoughts. May you have company and/or solitude whenever and however much you need either or both. Take care of yourself. This is fn awful, but you are not alone.

    12. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you warm thoughts and a virtual hug. I’m so sorry to hear you are having such a horrible day….. The way I have survived has been just to take one breath at a time, and moment at a time. The wind will bend you but not break you… Remind yourself, you are a survivor…. We are here for you.

    13. Not A Manager*

      Wow, Misty. I’m so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are absolutely with you. I truly hope that things look better soon.

    21. Misty*

      Thank you all for the kind comments. It really means a lot to me. I’m not even sure why I chose to post on here yesterday except you all have always been nice to me when I’ve felt alone in the past.

      TW for mental health stuff and neighborhood violence.

      Yesterday afternoon, I witnessed an act of violence in my neighborhood. I should have stayed inside but I wasn’t thinking clearly and instead ran out of the house screaming and crying for it to stop. Then I realized that was very dangerous so I got into my vehicle and drove away really fast. About two hours later, the police found me sobbing on the side of a random building an hour away. Nothing bad happened to me directly but for some reason with everything going on with the virus, it felt like the darkest moment of my life.

      I’ve been in bed all day crying. I don’t know why it hurt so much to see the violence because it wasn’t involving me at all. I don’t understand why people can’t be kind to each other. I don’t even remember driving to that building or know why I decided to sit there crying my eyes out but in that moment it felt like the worst moment in my life. Every once in a while a car would drive by and kind of look at me and I remember thinking I needed to get up and go home, but I just couldn’t.

      I see my therapist tomorrow and my roommates are being really nice to me about it. I just feel so destroyed on the inside. It’s so dumb though. It was just so much with the virus and everything. Like I lost my routine from the virus and yesterday it felt like for a couple of hours I lost my sanity. I honestly feel completely wrecked.

      1. Wandering*

        It can be upending to witness violence at the best of times, and in a high stress situation it can be even more upsetting. Tears can be good for you, and much better than holding your emotions in when you’re undone.
        Glad that you have a therapy appointment for tomorrow (and that your coffee roommate is moving out). Please be kind to yourself the rest of the day today, have some extra water, and let us know how you’re doing.

  110. Fikly*

    I haven’t filed my taxes yet, given the deadlines were all moved forward, and I have had a concussion since early March and that seemed unwise to mix with taxes.

    I am now starting to hear that there may be a significant delay on refunds, and it’s best to file sooner rather than later. Anyone know if there’s any truth to that, or is it just rumor?

    1. fposte*

      In normal years the turnaround is generally faster the earlier you file; I would imagine that to still be the case.

    2. Trixie*

      I’m in a similar place and plan to file this weekend. I posted last week a statement from the IRS encouraging filers expecting a refund to file as soon as possible or something to that effect.
      I hope you feel better soon!

    3. Dancing Otter*

      I filed April 15th, calculating a large refund. Yes, I saved the “IRS has accepted your return” email.
      When I went to the “Where’s My Refund” screen yesterday, it still said they are processing my return. That seems somewhat slower than previous years, but I had to pay last year so am remembering the 2018 filing season (2017 taxes).
      Remember, the IRS return processing team has to be down a lot of resources right now. Not only are people getting sick, but the stimulus checks have to be drawing a lot of effort away from normal concerns.
      Also, experts are suggesting not even bothering to file paper returns until the end of June. They are not being processed currently, and who knows how many will be lost in what has to be a huge backlog.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep. I had to file paper this year, and I sent it in the end of February, and they don’t have any idea where it is and it won’t be processed until god knows when, and ugh. UGH. Also expecting a decent refund.

    4. Generic Name*

      I filed my taxes in February and I got my stimulus payment the first day it was available. It went straight into my bank account.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I didn’t make any money and am not getting a refund or a stimulus payment, so I guess I don’t need to mess with it at all this year. Yay! \0/

    6. Sleepless*

      I ended up owing money this year! :-( So…I have the complied 1040 sitting on my desk, just…waiting. Waiting for the July deadline, or the Tax Fairy to tell us all our taxes are forgiven this year, or the stock market to improve so some of my money that went poof will come back and at least taking money out won’t be so excruciatingly painful, or…something.

      1. JoBeth NotAmy*

        We are in a similar situation. I’m basically hoping we get the stimulus check before the taxes are due so I can pay them with their own money.

    7. Nita*

      Mine was on time. But last year we had a really low income and were eligible to file online. I don’t know how the processing time is for paper filings…

  111. Trixie*

    I’m living vicariously through Chelsea (The Financial Diet) as she tackles painting projects. Based on the Instagram photos, the colors are rich, dark color tones. Times like this, I really miss either living some place I can fix up or lament not owning a home. I love projects to remodel or update, especially at times like this while sheltering. But seriously, the colors are really fun as are the importation pins she shares. Not my taste but just fun.

    On the other hand, I realized I’ve been living the same rental for years and it’s been the same rent. No increases. I could complain a lot about this rental (and do), but no change in rent over 10 years is not bad. So, I focus on when I can do in my space. This weekend, I’m moving some furniture around. Finishing up ikea frames for posters that were never finished, and staging it. Tomorrow, maybe fresh flowers while I’m collecting groceries.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      >no change in rent over 10 years
      I’m throwing your landlord a parade, in my mind. Long may this continue!

      1. filosofickle*

        For real. My landlord left my rent frozen for about 7 years, then a couple of small increases. Beyond awesome! Especially in my super high COL area. But the past few years she’s gotten aggressive with increases and it’s going up up up.

        One of my requirements in a rental was that I could paint it! I can’t stand white walls and would go bonkers if I couldn’t paint. It’s also the cheapest way to add a lot of character.

      2. anon24*

        Right? I’ve never not had a rent increase at the end of my year. Your landlord is amazing.

      3. hermit crab*

        This makes me think of my favorite landlords ever – a 70ish-year-old husband and wife pair who were so responsive and respectful and didn’t raise my rent in four years despite a booming local rental market. They had such lovely accents too – it made talking to them event better. I idly fantasized about them selling me the apartment one day when they decided they didn’t want to be landlords anymore. I cried when I moved out! I’d still be living there if I hadn’t gotten married and needed more space. A lot of landlords suck, but there are some great ones out there!

    2. Jdc*

      We too are wishing we didn’t rent so we could use this time for similar. We are only here three years total, one more, and hate the area so buying never made sense. Our landlord is a truly nice person but fails at doing a lot so we convinced him to let us paint our front door, which was never done and makes it not even up to code. Our house is light grey with white trim and i chose a navy blue. It’s going to be so cute. He just lets us deduct it from rent. We’ve done a lot on our garden as well. I so wish I could be paining walls and installing shelves during this time. We spend a lot of time talking about our future purchase. One good thing though is that it has given us a clear list or needs or even some for sure cannot have items for when we do buy. As we hadn’t lived together prior to this home I’m almost glad we had some rental time to learn how we live together and what we both need to be comfortable so we can look for it in our “real house.” A silver lining i didn’t expect.

    3. Anono-me*

      I recently saw a Target ad for repositionable wallpaper. ( it’s all sold out right now and I don’t know how well it works, but maybe you could look into it and how it would work for a small accent wall later.)

      I don’t know if your landlord would be open to it, but if you chose colors light enough to be covered buy one coat of the traditional ‘Rental White’ paint you may be able to get permission to paint some of your rooms yourself. (Probably a good idea to get the permission in writing and hang onto it until after you move out and have received your security deposit back.) My friends who have done this, paid for that paint themselves and had to get the colors approved beforehand by the landlord.

      1. Jdc*

        I’ve used it and it works well. It’s a bit tricky but once you get the hang of it. I will say it can be bought a lot cheaper online than the target one, and I’ve used both. It’s basically contact paper.

  112. cat med*

    I have to give one of my cats this oral medication that is super sticky. The vet gave me a few syringes but even though I wash them, it becomes harder and harder to move the plunger because the sticky stuff seems to stay on. Any ideas on how I could clean them?

    1. Pennyworth*

      After you wash them could you use some cooking oil to keep the plunger lubricated? I’m having to re-use a syringe draw up ear medication for my dog right now – the plunger also tends to stick. I pull the syringe apart after each use and wash it well, and just before I use it the next time I pump plunger up and down in the empty syringe to make sure it is moving OK.

  113. Alldogsarepuppies*

    Alison – I’m amazed you have a book to recommend each week. On average how many books a year do you read – and do you but something down and stop if it’s not recommendation worthy?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I average 1-2 a week. I won’t necessarily stop reading something if it’s not recommendation-worthy, but I’ll stop if I outright dislike it or can’t get into it. But the books I recommend here aren’t only ones I just finished — I had decades of reading before I started doing recommendations here, so I can draw on all of those when there’s not something recent I liked enough to recommend!

      1. acmx*

        Still impressive! I read over 50 books a year and I wouldn’t necessarily recommend each one (I also read quite a bit of fantasy, too, so in a way the reduce the number because I would recommend the series instead).

      2. Alldogsarepuppies*

        1-2 a week is so amazing. I have been shooting for 52 books a year as a New Years Resolution for 5 years, and my best is only 32.

  114. Seeking Second Childhood*

    I can’t concentrate enough to read more than Twitter, but maybe somebody else in this group could : podapalooza dot org.
    The lineup looks like they managed to get something for almost everyone. They even have some in Spanish…not much but it’s a start.

  115. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    What is the most up-to-date guidance on what to do regarding bags when you go to the supermarket?

    On March 1 (which seems like two years ago now), my state made reusable bags mandatory. I started bringing reusable bags to the store and quickly got used to it — I now much prefer the sturdier bags. But one store I passed (not my usual) had a large sign on the door NOT to use them, and have reverted to the supposedly-illegal plastic bags.

    I’ve been continuing to use my reusable bags but have been bagging them myself (and keeping them in my cart) so the cashier need not get involved. Is this the wrong thing? I go to the supermarket once a week and only for essentials.

    I’m sorry for a dumb post, but the goalposts keep moving and I’m afraid to make a mistake with others freaked out about the virus. Thanks!

    1. Pharmgirl*

      Some states have temporarily banned reusable bags due to Covid. I know in my state those towns/counties that previously charged for plastic bags are also temporarily providing them free of charge since the reusable ones are no longer allowed. The stores here have been really strict about it – they don’t even let people enter with their reusable bags. I’d check your state website for covid updates to see what their current guidance is.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Yes, and if the state hasn’t, some stores have banned them in the interim. I’ve just been getting the paper bags at Aldi and putting them in the recycle bin immediately after unpacking. I hate doing it — and I just got some cool reusable produce bags, too! They’re still in my car, and they’ve been washed so they’re ready for post-COVID shopping.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This is what happened in NY also. Just to make things even more confusing, stores are doing their own thing. I never know whether to bring my bags in or not. This is one of many points that make shopping so exhausting right now.

      I decided to go with whatever the individual store is requiring. If I get in there and they are requiring that I bring my own bags, I just bag up the loose groceries while standing in the parking lot after I leave the store. It seems to be the easiest way to deal with THEIR lack of continuity.

      I am annoyed by this because I do try to follow it and each week my two stores have changed what they are doing with the stupid bags. Last week I decided to check their websites to find out what to do. Well, I guess no one has time to update their sites, because whatever the site said IRL the store was doing the opposite. I want to run away, honestly.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I live in NY. I checked and… there is absolutely no information about the use or non-use of reusable bags on the New York State web site. The supermarket I use has no statement on whether or not to use bags.

        It says that *enforcement* of the plastic bag ban has been delayed until at least May (June?) 15, but it doesn’t say that the ban has been shelved until that time.

        I haven’t noticed if my usual supermarket offers plastic (or paper) bags or not. I generally don’t drive to the supermarket. If I don’t bring my bags and I’ve guessed wrong, I’m screwed.

        I only shop once per week and the virus supposedly lasts up to three days on plastic surfaces–I think–so in my mind, I’m not doing any harm by using the reusable bags, especially if I’m bagging them myself. But again, the goalposts keep moving and your last paragraph sums up *exactly* how I feel right now.

      2. Nita*

        Also NY. It’s pretty confusing. I’ve shopped at two stores recently, both of them large supermarket-type places. One is still giving out plastic bags. The other one stopped as soon as the ban came down, and hasn’t brought them back. I was OK with either because I just shoved all my purchases into a stroller basket, but if I had to carry them I’d have brought one big bag full of old plastic bags, just in case.

    3. Jdc*

      I know Illinois said no reusable bags for now. Im not sure one the bag laws here prior though as I’m a CA Transplant and have been using mine for years anyway, that said it seems to vary by store. Also being said I have two insulated bags and rely on them in the summer so I’m not rushing home from the store and worrying if I need to make another quick stop. Both need to be replaced as the handles are breaking and zippers are toast. I keep forgetting since it’s been cold enough until now that I don’t fear groceries in the trunk for a few mins.

      1. fposte*

        State-wise in IL reusable bags were allowed but not required and there was no charge for plastic; some municipalities may have tighter rules.

    4. Teacher Lady*

      Where I am (metro Boston), it seems that policies are set by stores, and don’t necessarily match up with local bag laws pre-Covid. The Wegmans in Medford (plastic bag ban) has banned reusable bags (you can’t even pack them yourself), but my regular grocery stores (one in a town without a bag ban, one in a town without) allow customers to do their own bagging in their own reusable bags. I plan to continue bringing reusable bags and using them when allowed.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        Oops. My regular stores are in one town WITH a plastic bag ban and another town without one.

      2. Alex*

        I am also in the same area and I thought reusable bags were banned statewide. The Trader Joes in my area has a sign saying “By law we can’t allow you to use your reusable bags. Please leave them in your car.” And this is in a town with a bag ban.

        1. Pharmgirl*

          Yeah, I thought MA had temporarily banned reusable bags? The Trader Joe’s I go to wont let people bring them in the store. They don’t even let you bag the groceries (or didn’t last time I was there).

          1. Teacher Lady*

            Interesting. I shopped at Wegmans on Wednesday and one of my regular stores on Tuesday and these were my experiences. Wegmans had a sign up banning reusable bags but I can’t remember if it cited a state law or just said “Please no.”

        2. Teacher Lady*

          Ohhh, I just Googled and solved this mystery: Baker announced the reusable bag ban ON Wednesday, so when I shopped on Wednesday evening that was in effect. But it wasn’t yet law when I shopped using reusable bags on Tuesday.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Yeah, that’s really frustrating – and a big setback for the “reusable bag” movement. Though I can understand it – most of the reusable bags that are sold by the stores themselves are of a kind that’s a bit tricky to wash, not something that can be just thrown in the washing machine. I have some of those, of course, but I also have some canvas bags, which are easily washable – though I suppose as the store staff would have no way of knowing whether I’d washed them or not, it wouldn’t help…

      I like the idea of having my goods left, unbagged, in the shopping cart so that I could bag them up at my car – I actually hadn’t thought of that, and have been letting the clerks use the plastic bags.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yeah, that’s a great idea! I now have so many paper grocery bags, but since I have to bring the cart to my car anyway, I can just bag the groceries in my trunk!

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          This is all great, but what if you live in an urban area and don’t drive?

          1. RagingADHD*

            Then you accept the plastic bags temporarily and find a way to repurpose them later.

            There are lots of useful things that can be done with plastic grocery bags, from lining small trash cans or disposing of cat litter, to making bedrolls for the homeless.

            1. Pharmgirl*

              Yup! I’ve used them in the past for lining smaller trashcans, also for carrying dirty shoes / boots in the winter, or for laundry while traveling

              1. Old and Don’t Care*

                I live by myself, and grocery store bags are almost all I use for trash bags. I will be sad when they are banned in my city (though I understand), especially since finding trash bags without fragrance can be a challenge.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      I think it depends where you are. I’m in LA, and grocery stores here are banning reusable bags. At Vons, they straight-up turned me away from the store for trying to bring in reusable bags. At Trader Joe’s, they let me bring in the bags, but then insisted on putting unbagged items in my cart (they wouldn’t let me bag either) and then making me bag the items in my reusable bags outside the store.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        What you mentioned in your last sentence– the grocery store employee insisting on placing the items in the reusable bag herself– happened to me two trips ago, and was the first tip-off that maybe I was unknowingly committing a faux pas by bringing reusable bags.

        I’m so, so confused. Doesn’t bagging the items themselves put the employees at more risk? That’s exactly what I was trying to avoid. She came within a foot of me to do it, too; she was right in my face. (We were both wearing masks.)

        Reading the responses here makes it somewhat clear that I should use store-provided bags (and take my chances that they have them). Thanks, everyone.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          What you mentioned in your last sentence– the grocery store employee insisting on placing the items in the reusable bag herselfo

          Oh, no—they wouldn’t put the items in my reusable bags. They just put the items in my shopping cart. Then I had the wheel the cart outside the store and transfer them from the cart to the reusable bags myself later.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I live in DC and shop at a Whole Foods a couple of blocks from my apartment. Reusable bags are allowed, but we have to bag ourselves. Otherwise we get paper, as we did before, and in DC you have to pay for them. Although I am not sure if they’ve charged me when I needed one lately– I’m too preoccupied to notice.

      From what I can tell, most stores here prefer you not use your own bags, and if you do, it’s the same– bag things yourself.

      I’ve been using my own bags and washing them every week. Better for me– I tried getting paper for my whole haul and had a rough time crossing the street. My reusables all go on my shoulders!

    8. Mimosa Jones*

      My state has banned them. Last time I went shopping, about a week ago, I had the cashier skip the bags and I put everything back in the cart and loaded it into bags once I got to my car.

      1. Ronda*

        lots of things are being adjusted as they go thru this. I do think having more people handling stuff on the leaving side of the checkout is trying to be avoided… but who knows. not sure why the unload for the cashier side doesnt need this tho.
        The guy in front of me one day was like. “Great, I can pack the groceries how I like !!” (always look on the bright side of life)

        I generally take the plastic (or paper) bag they are using and put those bags inside my re-usable back at the car, so it is easier to carry (should work if have to walk home too, I did like using my backpack for that when I was visiting a city and didnt have a car).
        I use plastic grocery bags for household trash and paper bags for recycling trash.

    9. Pennyworth*

      We can use re-useable bags, but have to pack out own groceries so I am the only peson who touches them. I am mindful that they could harbor coronavirus so I either wash them after use or put bags I have just used to one side for several days so any virus will have time to die. As I am ony shopping weekly, this is easily done.

  116. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone been to an all-inclusive resort? Where did you go? What was your experience like? Was it worth it? Would you do it again?

    My sister wants to plan a girls-only vacation for 2021 and wants to go all-inclusive, preferably in a warm climate. There are four of us sisters, ranging in age from 45 (me) to 62. I’m pretty sure at least three of us will go. None of us have been to one.

    I’m thinking it’s probably along the lines of a cruise, where there are lots of different activities–something for everyone–and you can pick and choose. I would say that I lean towards land-based activities and sightseeing, like seeing historical places, trying something new like zip lining, and having a variety of foods (I’m the only one, as my family is very Plain Jane about food in general, and would not be open to something like sushi or Indian). Although I like boat rides, I’m not one to swim in the ocean (or a lake or river), sunbathe, or do water sports, though I like visiting those areas. If they wanted to do to the beach, I’d go. One sister is similar, but she doesn’t care for food variety and does like going in the water. Another one wants an island experience, though also likes land-based activities. The fourth sister, who probably wouldn’t go anyway due to lack of funds, would be fine just laying on the beach all day, baking herself in the sun; she’s of the age where using baby oil to get a tan was the thing to do.

    I know of Sandals, but are there others? I admit I haven’t Googled or anything yet, and I plan to do that, but I’m guessing someone here has been to one.

    1. Skeletor's Suggestions*

      I’ve been to a couple. It’s basically you don’t have to pay for food or drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic) on-premise. Usually, there’s a buffet that serves several times a day and there they may be one or more higher-end or more exclusive restaurants that require reservations. There are some activities, but my experience (Jamaica and Mexico) is that you pay additionally for things like snorkeling, boat rides, etc. The all-inclusives have deals with locals so it’s cheaper than going ad hoc. There might be evening concerts and other entertainment. You have access to pools and in some cases private beaches. Some all-inclusives bring in vendors and they set up mini markets for you to shop at. Gifts shops are not included in the cost, neither are sundries.

      I really like them. They take a lot of stress out of travel.

      1. Skeletor's Suggestions*

        I forgot to mention, you should bring smalls for tipping. We tip everyone for everything. $1 and $2 tips US (depending on where you go) are super appreciated. We tip the maids, the bartenders, the servers, the guides for activities, pretty much everyone as you go along. That’s different from a cruise where you tip at the end of the trip.

        1. Skeletor's Suggestions*

          And one more, I would avoid Sandals. There are many ones that cater to the non-party, no kids crews and those are the ones I like. Decameron is one all-inclusive company.

    2. Alex*

      I’ve been to several! Mostly in the Dominical Republic and Mexico.

      Pros of all inclusive: You don’t have to plan anything. You just book a ticket and show up, and everything is done for you. You get there, put on your bathing suit, and lie on the beach or by the pool and just don’t worry about anything at all. You don’t have to research restaurants or activities. You know how much you have to spend before you get there, because your meals and drinks are included. You can schedule activities (mostly costing extra) if you want–usually snorkeling trips, zip lining tours, cultural tours, parasailing, scuba diving, spa treatments, etc.

      Cons of all inclusive: If you enjoy exploring someplace independently, especially non-touristy things, or if you want to try out local cuisines and local restaurants, it probably isn’t the choice for your. Similarly if you like your vacation to be jam-packed with activities, that will add up quickly. The food quality at resorts varies greatly–one resort I went to had AWFUL food. I also went to a fancier resort that had great food, but no buffets so it wasn’t unlimited, and you needed to have a lot of reservations. My favorite resort food-wise was actually the cheapest resort in the Dominican Republic, although the rest of the resort was a little tired.

      I enjoyed my all inclusive vacations, because the reason I took them was just to spend time with my best friend Doing Nothing but sunbathing and reading books and talking and being care-free, and eating ridiculous amounts of food at the buffet.

      1. Numbers*

        I’ve been to a bunch of AI’s in Mexico, in Playa del Carmen area. The Excellence and Secrets chains are smaller, adults-only, with good food. But there’s a wide range of resorts depending on what you want.

        Cruises have never appealed to me because they seem too confining. But in an AI you get a huge room, often with a balcony, lovely grounds to wander, and we’ve taken bike rides and taxis to nearby towns when we wanted to stretch our wings a bit.

    3. Jonah*

      This very much might not be your thing, but a few years ago I went on a solo trip to Little St. Simons Island in Georgia. It’s a private island/eco-preserve that’s all inclusive. If you’re into nature (like VERY into nature) it’s a fantastic experience. They have lots of different excursions like kayaking, fishing, bird watching, hiking, etc. etc. It’s pretty rustic, but incredibly beautiful and serene. They only let 30 or so guests on the island at a given time, and they have something like 11 miles of private beach. The only downside was the mosquitos in August, but they provide all the sprays you’d ever need. If you’re looking for something more “lay on the beach and have somebody bring you cocktails” or “not having to watch out for alligators when you’re hiking” it might not be your thing. On the other hand, they’re a sea turtle nesting site, and if you’re there during hatching season, you can participate in helping the babies get to the ocean and excavating nests to help identify how many hatched afterwards.

    4. blackcat*

      I doubt cruises will be happening before 2022. Even if they are, I wouldn’t do it.
      FWIW, Sandals treats their workers pretty atrociously, so I personally wouldn’t go to one of their resorts.
      I would also consider the resorts in Puerto Rico, Hawaii, FL, etc over international destinations due to the uncertainty of international travel in the next few years.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        No, we’re not thinking about a cruise. It would be an all-inclusive resort we fly or drive to.

    5. Masked Bandit*

      I’ve been to one in the Dominican. I enjoyed it, but I’m like you where I like historical places and culture and didn’t do too much of that. I did enjoy not having to think about anything or what to do next.

      I’d definitely do it again if the opportunity arose, but I’d rather visit a new city instead.

    6. Sleepless*

      The only time I’ve done one was in the Bahamas and I was underwhelmed, but I’m not the kind of traveler who is a good match for them. When I’m in a new place, I want to poke around on my own and discover the scenery, try my luck with local restaurants, strike up conversations with the locals, etc. The all-inclusive we tried had inferior rooms and food, and it was full of young party-loving kids and it honestly felt like we spent a week in a dorm.

  117. coffee cup*

    I want to take apart an old Ikea sofa and, eventually, throw it away (it’s tiny and not in very good condition, so I doubt anyone would want it, although I am open to the possibility). It has to be dismantled as it won’t fit through the door otherwise, and it’s taking up way too much space that I’d like to fill with much nicer things. I don’t think I can find the original instructions, though. Is there a good way to go about doing this?

    2. Rebecca*

      I’d start by removing the cushions, fabric, etc. and deconstructing by removing the hardware as you find it. You’ll probably need the allen wrench that came with it, or a screw driver. I helped my daughter put together a sleeper sofa from Ikea, and I think we put the instructions and little wrench tool in a ziploc bag under under the cushion for future reference. Plus, if you can find a similar one at Ikea online, you might be able to find instructions online and go backward. Good luck!

      **the country person in me thought “chain saw” but this might not be the best option :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        We have a couch in the basement that ain’t coming out except in pieces, and that is one of the primary reasons that housemate got a battery-powered chainsaw rather than a gas-powered one – I told him he wasn’t running a gas-powered appliance in the basement. :P

    3. Lcsa99*

      I would label all the pieces as I take it apart. Just scotch tape should work – left leg, right leg, front back and maybe even tape the bolts to each piece in a ziplock bag

    4. MissDisplaced*

      My husband uses his Skil Sawsall. :-) Saws the stuff into small pieces and then trash bin it.
      I admit though that my garbage pickup takes most anything.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      I pet both cats after applying my scented moisturizer. There’s not enough to make them greasy, but they definitely smell like me, not like strange cat. Ditto for rubbing with my used bath towel.
      Also, lots of catnip sprinkled or rubbed into back fur. It hasn’t convinced my two to groom each other, but they smell of catnip more than strange cat. Do NOT do this if either cat gets aggressive when stoned: mine get mellow and then sleep it off.
      Don’t put the food bowls too close together. Maybe arrange food-water-food-water-food-water-food, or opposite ends of the room, whatever you can manage. You don’t want the more timid cat intimidated from eating by proximity to the bigger cats.
      You may want to have a water pistol handy when you first stop isolating them, btw. MUCH safer than trying to separate them yourself if they fight seriously.

    6. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      If you are going to throw it away, no reason not to destroy it! Personally, I think I’d go for a sledge hammer. Or a brush hook. If you aren’t equipped with good whacking tools, take off all cushions, unscrew everything you can, and then check out the back and underside. Remember, leverage is your friend and you can break a lot of stuff by jumping on it at the right angle.

  118. Rebecca*

    Anyone else ready for all of this social distancing, masks, gloves, hand sanitizer, etc. to be done? Once again, I’m down to the last 2 oz of hand sanitizer, can’t find it in the stores, and when it is available, the cost is many times what it was before, and on principle, I refuse to pay inflated prices just because. The other night I was standing outside with 2 neighbors, we were about 8-10 feet apart in a triangle formation, and our township police office did a slow drive by. Really? I’m tired of wearing homemade masks, my glasses fog up, and they’re hot and annoying. I’m tired of going to the grocery store and feeling like I’m walking into a laboratory hot zone. I don’t know about where everyone else lives, but people are really getting restless here. Unemployment benefits held up for weeks, long delays on email replies, phone lines constantly busy, and I suspect as the weather gets warmer, it’s going to be harder and harder to keep the lid on people going out and about. The fact our PA Dept of Health backpeddled on the number of deaths, reduced by over 200, didn’t help. And now the state liquor stores are doing curb side pickup, so people are asking, and rightly so, why their businesses can’t open up and do the same thing. I’m still purchasing feed at the feed mill, and it’s “dock side” pickup, like you call ahead or just tell them what you need when you get there, they load it in the back of the truck, and you hand them cash or a check through the vehicle window. OK, so enough grousing about this.

    I found 3 shelf brackets while looking for something else (that’s always how it goes!!) and picked up a 4th from my cousin nearby, so yesterday I put up a shelf in the bathroom to keep the toilet paper strategic reserve away from a certain cat who likes to shred it. I have two brackets left, so hoping today to find a shorter board or something to use for a smaller shelf, I thought I could put a plant on it or candle or something. I also repurposed a small duffel bag to use for basic tools. That was my big accomplishment this week.

    I captured a photo of a pileated woodpecker this week on the game came, he is beautiful!! I was so surprised to see it. I see them from time to time when I’m walking, but it’s nice to see them close up. Other visitors include of course, deer, but the bears were back, opossum, skunk, raccoons, a raven, and squirrels (we are overrun with them). In one photo, a raccoon, skunk, and opossum were in a small group like they were having a discussion. I posted the photo with the caption “a raccoon, a skunk, and an opossum walked into a bar…” :) I’m seeing a lot more birds, too, like goldfinches and towhees. I think the eggs in the water along the road that I’ve been watching were frog eggs, as now there are tadpoles! So excited about that.

    So the week would not be complete without a Mom story. Earlier this week I had gotten up for work (I work from here now), and on my way back up from a shower, found Mom in the kitchen with her grabber thing trying to do something in the cupboard that has our containers (the ones that had to be organized by the cleaning person during lockdown). I asked her if she needed help, and she said she was trying to move something and make more room – and so I looked – she had put containers away without nesting them. Sighs. So I re-nested the containers, and when I picked up the one she wanted to put away, I accidentally dropped it. She huffed loudly and slammed her quad cane on the floor, right next to my foot. I didn’t even look up. I simply said, if you hit my foot with that, I’m taking it from you. I put the container away and walked away. This is just one of the highlights of living with HRH, Mistress of All That Is Negative. Yes, I am exploring other options for After The Virus. I literally cannot stand to be in the same room with her for more than a few minutes.

    Oh, and I had to remind HRH that it is not our job to monitor the activities of the family across the street. She went outside yesterday to walk up and down the driveway, but came back in after a few minutes. The family across the street was burning branches after they cleaned up the yard (we’re allowed to do that here). HRH states she is allergic to wood smoke, along with a laundry list of other complaints, and was complaining that she couldn’t walk outside because they were burning stuff. I just said, walk another time then. “He lets those kids stand right there in the smoke, that’s not good for them, why is he doing that??” and I cut her off. Not your job or mine to police the parenting over there. “But he lets them ride those 4 wheel buggy things all over the yard, it’s dangerous, they’re going to get hurt”. Again, not our job, they wear helmets, they’re kid’s dune buggy type things, not our job to police the activities, and yes, she started in again! I finally said look, not your business, not your problem, it’s country kids doing country things, not our responsibility. Walked away. BTW, those kids are always outside, playing basketball, riding bikes, their dune buggy things, playing in the yard with a football, laughing, yelling, and having fun. I say let them have at it. They’re kids. They’ll figure it out.

    I hope everyone else is doing OK. It’s raining, again, so not sure what I’m going to do today. I might take a nap. I might play Candy Crush. I may do both! I might put up another shelf. Right now I think I’ll hold one of the cats.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      >“a raccoon, a skunk, and an opossum walked into a bar…” :)
      You know, I look forward to the time when a week is complete without a Mom story. Not because they are boring or badly written (because they are neither) but because you deserve better! And it’s better for our moral development to read more about your positive activities. Life will always have people and experiences that fall on the spectrum somewhere between “significantly annoying” and “downright infuriating.” The real test is how we outmaneuver all that mess and get back to enjoying shelf brackets, repurposed duffel bags, and nature-inspired setups for a joke.

    3. Nervous Nellie*

      But were the raccoon, skunk & opossum socially distancing? Your Mum might like to remind them of the rules…..LOL.

      Yes, here in the Pacific NW everyone is starting to chafe at the restrictions. This is the truly the world’s longest snow day. I heard a bird calling by my window this morning and thought it was a notification on my phone……

      But….we actually are getting through this. Here it started to get ominous around mid-Feb, and now here we are nearly in May. May! Every day brings us closer to something better (sounds nice right? I hope it’s true). Hang in there!

      1. Rebecca*

        I had to chuckle – no they weren’t social distancing, and IMO, the raccoon was a bit close to the business end of the skunk for my comfort, but it didn’t appear that anyone got sprayed, or there was any altercations of any sort. It’s like the deer and raccoons – I’m so amazed that the raccoons get so close to the deer, the deer don’t seem to care, and I haven’t seen any bad interactions there, either. They all clear out when the bears amble by!

    4. LGC*

      A bit further east, we seem to be in slightly better spirits – mostly because we’re suffering through the worst outbreak here. People in the area are getting cranky – there was an article in the New York Times about how (among other things) calls to 311 have skyrocketed lately – but people seem to be mostly pleasant in my neighborhood.

      To be honest, I think there are a couple of things going on: where I live, a lot of people are fortunate enough to be able to work from home. Unemployment is a pain in the behind of course (famously, our governor put out a call in a press conference for COBOL programmers because our UI system fell apart), but it feels like we’ve adjusted to the new normal. On the flip side…we also have the second-highest caseload of any state, and ~6000 people have already died. Honestly, speaking for myself, my own angst neurons are burned out – while I feel angsty about how inconvenient things are, and that things I took for granted like going to my local ice cream shop are now life-or-death affairs…I also know and get told on a daily basis by the news how bad things are. I had a huge rant typed up about the horrors I’ve heard from friends and family, but I think everyone knows about how bad New York is. (And it’s basically the same where I live in New Jersey.)

      That said, I know the pain about wearing masks! (I also wear glasses.) I think what helped me make it more enjoyable was just to wear fun-looking things on my face. If I have to cover my plaguehole and inadvertently Bird Box myself just to go to the store, at least I’m going to look cute in the process. (I have a set of masks that are like this blue/green/orange plaid. They’re not the most comfortable thing to wear, but they look GOOD.)

      Your mom is…oh my God. You are a saint for still living with her. She just sounds like the kind of person where if she’s unhappy, ain’t nobody happy. I know people tell you this every week, but I think it bears repeating.

      1. Rebecca*

        I’m going to see if I can get some of those skull face masks or something that bikers wear. I’ll alternate between that and my old west style bandana! And I see you mentioned COBOL. I bet that’s what our system is. For the life of me, I cannot fathom why these systems weren’t updated over the years. And wow, finding COBOL programmers, they have to be retirement age or close to it by now! And “plaguehole”. I’m totally stealing that!! Glad I wasn’t drinking coffee, I’d be cleaning my monitor!!

        I’m waiting for today’s update here, usually they post it by noon but it doesn’t seem to be there yet. The number of confirmed cases go up every day by well over 1000, shows no sign of lessening.

        And Mom is one of those people who can find something wrong with EVERY situation, find something to worry about, stress about, complain about, but very rarely anything good. I make it a point to be the exact opposite. Even if it’s just “I saw a blue jay today, and a dove swatted a hairy woodpecker at the feeder”, that’s a good day, I saw nature. I have eyes to see it and a brain to comprehend what I saw. I’m standing upright. That’s 90% of it, right there.

        1. tangerineRose*

          COBOL isn’t all that hard; people can learn it, so maybe people will. Anyway, it does deal with numbers better than many programming languages. Some programming languages will occasionally add a small number way to the right of the decimal point for no obvious reason (has something to do with floating point math).

          But the main reasons it was never rewritten are probably that it costs money and that rewriting code in a new language creates bugs.

          1. LGC*

            And also, governments are small-c conservative, especially with records. (I know because it’s literally my job to work with records. Changing systems is a HUGE deal – there’s legal requirements, liabilities, so on and so forth.)

            It’s still mindblowing to me that they’re using systems that were designed before I was born, though! (I’m…turning 36 this week.) Although, to be fair, I don’t think UI was ever designed to be a fallback emergency welfare system on this scale.

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      I got a bunch of hand sanitizer online from artnaturals. It is actually pretty good. I would recommend it. It’s hypoallergenic and fragrance free. I hadn’t ever heard of that website but I saw it in one of those articles on CNN about “where you can still find hand sanitizer.” I ordered it in a pack of 6 for the free shipping, but they are literally now selling gallons of it that you can use to refill. I still have a lot but will definitely order the big ones when I’m ready for refills!

    6. Jaid*

      Funny how the Liquor Stores are back in operation doing curbside pick-up in Philly…in the whitest parts of town.

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      I sure do! I love coming here on weekends and getting recipe & book suggestions, learning new things and commiserating about all of our lives. And seeing Alison’s cats! Wouldn’t miss it. That is must-see screen time. :)

    3. Lucette Kensack*

      I’m rarely on the open threads, but when I do I scroll to the bottom and start from there.

    4. Parenthetically*

      I don’t! I’m not into [things], so I skip all the threads related to [things].

      I tend to try to get here early and ctrl+F for a few commenters I want to hear from — updates on their lives (OyHiOh and Gaia, how are you?), folks who post interesting things, Venus and the other gardeners, anything cooking or food related. Sometimes I glance through the book threads or the TV threads, but I don’t make any effort to read every comment.

    5. Ali G*

      I typically “collapse all replies” and read through the threads I am interested in. I’ll pop in and out all weekend, as I have time, checking those threads to see what I missed. I probably only fully read 5-6 a weekend.

    7. GoryDetails*

      I generally check in on the long threads (like this one) periodically over the weekend, in collapse-all mode at first, dropping to the end to see any new posts. Then I’ll expand-all and use the find-on-this-page feature to see if there are any new replies to subthreads I’m interested in, such as the reading or cooking or cats-related ones. If I’ve posted any replies myself I may check on them to see if anyone responded, or if there’s something I want to post about I may search to see if somebody else already mentioned it (books, movies, podcasts, food, etc.). Doesn’t take me much time to browse/search this way, and while I’m sure I miss some interesting subthreads here and there, it works for me.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I skip threads if it’s not anything I care about, but yeah, I will scroll all the way through on the weekend. However, I feel like if I comment after it’s passed 1,000 nobody sees it.

    9. Enough*

      I usually read all the original threads and then decide whether to read replies or not. Will occasionally go back to one or two comments to look at some additional replies. After a certain point will read from the bottom till I get to where I was the last time I checked.

    11. MissDisplaced*

      I like to start at the bottom as they’re most recent.
      But I really wish sometimes it were easier to comment without losing your place!

      AAM has so many readers, I wish this was setup as more of a chat board and you could find your comments or saved discussions more easily.

    12. Princess Deviant*

      I definitely don’t if it’s the work thread. I hardly read that unless I have a question I want answering, or if I happen to have seen a question by accident that I’m interested in.
      The non-work free-for-all is more varied.

  120. Nervous Nellie*

    But were the raccoon, skunk & opossum socially distancing? Your Mum might like to remind them of the rules…..LOL.

    Yes, here in the Pacific NW everyone is starting to chafe at the restrictions. This is the truly the world’s longest snow day. I heard a bird calling by my window this morning and thought it was a notification on my phone……

    But….we actually are getting through this. Here it started to get ominous around mid-Feb, and now here we are nearly in May. May! Every day brings us closer to something better (sounds nice right? I hope it’s true). Hang in there!

  121. Ali G*

    So apparently I am doing nothing this weekend. I guess we all need some down time. I had plans but Hubs ended up having to work all weekend, so I just decided to do…nothing, really. I paid some bills yesterday and bought a gift for my parents for their respective upcoming days, but otherwise I was pretty useless. Crappy weather didn’t help either.
    Maybe next weekend!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Don’t sweat it– right there with you. Well, yesterday I went grocery shopping and pickled some stuff and made sextant, then had a game night, but today I am useless. Bad headache and bad weather.

  122. Not A Manager*

    I’m getting very anxious about what my own personal life will be like in two months or two years. I am extremely aware that the entire world is devolving on a lot of levels and that there could (almost certainly will) be a great deal of suffering in the U.S. and globally. I worry about that all the time.

    But deep inside some part of me wants MY life to just get back to normal. I complain about the lockdown, but honestly I don’t really mind it if I felt that we could get through this and then it will be over and everything will be just as it was. I think that this is not realistic. I don’t know what actually is realistic, and it’s making me anxious and depressed.

    1. MissDisplaced*

      It’s normal to feel that way.
      I don’t know about normal… probably it won’t be normal until there is a readily available vaccine in about a year. But once there IS a vaccine, things will become more normal again.

      It felt much this way after 9/11. The country closed for a while. And things changed, but things also more or less returned to normal. Or a new normal if you like. But travel resumed, the economy came back and people began to be less scared they were going to be attacked or we’d be fighting a war on American soil.

      1. Fikly*

        Things will go back to normal.

        But we don’t know if there will be a vaccine. There are many viruses without vaccines. We shouldn’t count on one.

    2. Washi*

      Same! If someone could guarantee that everything I love in my life will be back in 1-2 years, that would be so much easier. But I feel like we’re approaching a crest of a hill where you can see the top but have no idea what’s on the other side, and that’s scary. I know it’s selfish, but I’m afraid that the things I want most in life (that we were planning to do in the next couple years) like move back to my home state, buy a house, have a child, will not be possible/advisable. My husband and I were in a great place, feeling confident about our plans and the future, and now I have no idea what we’re about to be hit with.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Me too. I had this whole plan about how we were going to move to a new city by around this time next year (we cannot take any more Chicago winters or wintry “springs”!). Now I don’t even know if we’ll be allowed to leave our city for location scouting trips, or whether it’ll be safe to, even if technically allowed.

        I put off living my life the way I want to live it, for Reasons (mostly not wanting to make my family angry), for literally decades. Now I fear I may have missed my chance. If we do come out the other end of this, I need to change the way I’ve been living and listen less to people whom I likely can’t please anyway.

        1. Actual Vampire*

          I am really curious to see how people’s values and priorities and life choices change as a response to this pandemic. I recently spent two years living with a really, really, really awful roommate. I had a real Missing Stair mindset – “oh, it doesn’t really matter that I don’t get along with my roommate, I don’t spend much time at home, it’s not worth it to do all the work of moving out.” I had already kind of learned my lesson from that situation, but this pandemic is really driving home the idea that being comfortable where I live should be a top priority. No more cheap rent for me! (Assuming I am ever employed again.)

    3. LGC*

      It’s funny – I kind of went through the grieving process of our old status quo already, and I think that’s what you’re going through, maybe? We don’t know what normal will be in the future, and what’s normal now…is hard and scary. And at times it does feel like it’s going to last forever.

      For me, I’ve…I don’t know what my normal will be. And I don’t know what your normal will be, either. I don’t know when we’ll find out either. And I’m not fully okay with this – I had big plans this year! I’d love to be able to go live my life without fear again! Heck, I ordered a pizza this afternoon and I pulled on a face mask to get it from the delivery guy – I feel like I’m living in the Science Vs pandemic episode from a few months back! It sucks. And it’s okay to feel like it sucks. And it’s frustrating that scientists keep answering ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to everything (which is the scientific answer) and then the general media runs with it as “SCIENTISTS SAY ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ WHICH OBVIOUSLY MEANS THAT THE BAD THING IS GOING TO HAPPEN.” And I guess you might feel the same way, too.

      That said, history is a guide. We had the Roaring Twenties after the 1918 flu pandemic. Wuhan loosened its restrictions 75 days after its shutdown. So there is another side – and hopefully it’s not that far away.

  123. LGC*

    Warning: rambling about COVID-19. Please feel free to skip over this.

    A bit late to the party, but…man, for whatever reason I feel guilty that I feel unmotivated.

    For reference, I’m a guy that lives by himself, no kids, able to work from home. By all means, I feel like I should be flying through this easily, since I don’t have to deal with caretaking responsibilities, I still have a job for the foreseeable future, and the biggest inconvenience I have is that the local bike path and HS track are officially off-limits and the loop behind village hall is functionally off-limits. (There have been enough people there where I don’t feel comfortable going there.) But I haven’t done any of the projects I’ve wanted to do, even just folding my laundry still feels like an ordeal, and although I know I should be more forgiving of myself I’m still discouraged with myself.

    And I know that everywhere – and everyone, including Alison here – is saying that it’s okay that you don’t feel as productive because (in the US at least) this is a slow-motion disaster that doesn’t have any signs of letting up. (Okay, maybe a couple, but not in my area.) But I feel like…well, shoot, I have no excuses, I should be doing way more than the minimum, right? But there are a lot of days when I struggle to do just that.

    I don’t know. Things aren’t okay, but I feel like I of all people should be okay, but I’m not.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m with you on it. I have yet to go on a walk around the block even though it’s safe. I haven’t even gone on a leisurely drive which I used to love to do. I haven’t done any creative work like playing with my makeup or painting or cleaning out the room. I’m not working and I’m not responsible for taking care of anyone else but myself so I have nothing but time to do everything.

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      I actually think it is harder without someone else to care for; that sort of forces you to carry on. But being on your own means you can be a lump. I have a grown son and found disasters much easier when I had him at home to care for and create “normalcy” for. I also find it hard not to be able to go out and help. We have given money but I think being active in helping others would help me. I am being a lump myself right now.

      I dont have suggestions but wanted to say I feel the same.

    3. Parenthetically*

      This is a massive collective trauma that we are all experiencing! Seriously. Give yourself a break. The whole “no excuses” mindset is so harmful. You don’t need excuses. Stress and trauma zap your focus, discipline, consistency, energy, creativity, motivation… because your brain needs the energy from that to deal with this.

    4. MissDisplaced*

      I feel much the same. I know I am lucky in that I have a job, I can work from home, and I don’t personally know anyone who got COVID or died as a result. My husband and I mostly stay home, but go out on occasion for groceries or an odd trip to the hardware store.

      I typically did WFH 1-2 days a week, so transitioning was fine for me, I’m an introvert and I like it. I always prided myself on being productive at WFH, but with this pandemic, I find I’m getting much more distracted during the day: by the news, by my husband who is in-and-out, and by just feeling bored and restless! And I’m tired! I shouldn’t complain over my white-well-educated, well-paid existence, but it does feel like nothing will ever be “fun” again.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      There’s a lovely and reassuring article in the Chronicle of Higher Ed on this and I found it helpful. You’re certainly not alone–cut yourself slack!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Perhaps call it a negative energy in the air, whatever, but it’s there. If the people around us are worried, we are going to feel that and have some response to it.

      A couple weeks ago I was having a bleak spell. A friend came over and as we sat six feet apart we chatted about the world we have now. My friend was pretty down.
      After my friend left, I noticed my dog seemed a little off. I watched. The dog was visibly worried/ concerned. He paced. He checked windows for no apparent reason. He cried a little. It dawned on me that he had picked up on our worry.
      If the people around us are not okay, then we are really not that okay either. My dog does not know about Covid. He doesn’t know a thing about lost jobs, no money for the mortgage, etc. He just knew we were not okay and that stands alone on its own.

      The only suggestion I have is what I am doing myself. See if you can find a way to help someone or maybe several someones. I get groceries for high risk elderly friends. The other day I did a dump run for one of my friends. You could call a couple of friends see how they are doing. Maybe there is a volunteer group in your town and you could join them. Sometimes we can take back our own power by helping someone else.

      I would also suggest extra rest because this is draining in ways that we don’t anticipate.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Don’t “should” on yourself.

      Focus on doing the best you can to get through this in as reasonable a way as possible. Some days you will feel like being a bit more proactive. Other days not.

      Try to take care of your body & feelings the way you would take care of a loved one: sleep, food, water, fresh air when you can.

      The rest of it will come. Harshing on yourself just steals your energy more.

      1. Reba*

        re: “should” — don’t use the pandemic as another stick to beat yourself with! Try to extend kindness to yourself.

    8. Anonnington*

      I get that. I felt like that for a while. Then I started making more of an effort to connect with people online. I ended up taking on new projects with new people, broadening my horizons and expanding my skills. That really helped.

      The issue for me was that, being alone all the time, I lacked that breath of fresh air that you get when you meet new people and learn new things. It was just me and the news. That had its downer moments. But I realized I just needed to learn how to use social media more socially, and more productively. That made a tremendous difference.

      Try reaching out more than you’re doing right now, or just find a way to shake things up.

    9. Pharmgirl*

      I feel just like you do – I’m an essential worker so the basic day to day of life hasn’t changed, and I’ve always been more of a home body. But I also feel way more unmotivated than I would normally.

      For me, at least, I think the answer is the very first comment up top – how there’s nothing to look forward to. That really stuck with me, because it’s so true – there’s no vacations, no weddings, no hang outs with friends or family, even something as simple as shopping at the mall. Just the same boring day every day.

      I’m trying to think of little things to look forward to – right now it the end of being on call for work, a baking project next week, etc. Are there little things like that you can plan to look forward to?

    10. LGC*

      Thanks, everyone! I’m trying to make myself feel a bit better about not getting things done that I really should, and…to be honest, even under the best circumstances I have problems doing chores, I’ll admit. It just feels like I have all this “free time” now, and although I know that’s not the case, there’s still that nagging voice that says I should be doing all of this stuff that I’ve kind of wanted to get done.

    11. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’m in a similar place. I’m with my husband, and he’s working more or less normally except from home, so there is that at least. But I have no obligations to speak of but I’m finding it really difficult to stay motivated to do anything. I am not even particularly anxious about this virus itself, I just feel listless.

  124. Elizabeth West*

    Ugh ugh ugh ugh my lower back has decided to do its infrequent thing where it slips out of whack and every muscle goes into vapor lock. A long long time ago, I picked up a loaded laundry basket wrong and practically destroyed it. There’s nothing I can do but wait it out.

    I know it’s mostly because I haven’t been working out properly, but y’all, everything is just wrong here. There is no block to walk around. The development has NO sidewalks; it’s all hills and potholes, and the street is short, so if I walk, I just have to go back and forth. It’s unpleasant. The parks department gym is obviously closed now, but the free track isn’t much better when it is open because most of the walkers are older, and they want the radio loud and I can’t hear my podcast. (IMO, Gyms should not play radios; people have their own devices.) Just when I said eff it and started walking outside again, my back pulls this crap. I know it will go away eventually, but it hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrtssss.

    I. Want. A. Job. And My. Own. Place. NAOW. If I could have somehow known the pandemic was coming, I would have stayed where I was and perhaps taken a grocery job just until it was over. If I got sick, isolation would have been easy since I lived alone. That’s out of the question now; I can’t risk Mum getting it.

    Also, I miss my stuff!!

    1. nep*

      So sorry you’re having back pain. Back pain SUCKS.
      I could have written that last bit–One of my side hustles is (was) with a grocery delivery company. I live w my mom (a situation I’ve been working to get out of for a while, and just before pandemic made some nice steps in that direction)…If I lived alone I would continue that side gig. But she’s 80. Just not worth the risk.
      Wishing you healing for your back. And a job and your own space asap.
      Peace

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yep, back pain is *Jean Ralphio voice* the wOORRRRRST. Heh, that reminds me; after I finish Buffy, I think I’ll rewatch Parks and Rec.

        I have my own area here, but there’s just no way to keep it totally away from her if I catch it, due to air exchange and the fact that the laundry is here in the basement. I’d set the target for being employed and in my own apartment to before my birthday at the end of May, but that beeyotch ‘Rona messed it up.

  125. Strange Times ahead*

    Had a naked and bloody man show up at my front porch at 4:00 a.m. on Saturday morning.

    Someone was shouting and yelling up-and-down our neighborhood and woke up my wife and myself at 3:50am. We went into our backyard to look over the fence and I saw him running down the street, buck naked. He came back and jumped over our hedge and ran to our front patio. We went inside and looked out our kitchen window; he was drinking from a gallon jug of water we have on our porch to water our plants, with a very bloody, dirty towel wrapped around his hand.

    We opened the window to talk to him just as he sat down on a patio chair. He was in crisis. My wife talked to him, calmed him down and we were able to determine that he was French and lived about a mile away from us. He kept apologizing to us about bleeding on our patio and we asked if we should call the police to help him and he said yes. My wife called 911.

    Apparently the police had been looking for him for about an hour by following his blood trail, but lost the blood trail after he apparently wrapped his hand in the dirty towel. Apparently he woke up many neighbors who called the police.

    3 officers showed up and were very kind to him. He had cut himself in his apartment while he was stabbing the wall out of frustration and his hand slid down onto the blade and deeply cut the palm of his hand. The ambulance crew arrived, bandaged him up and took him to the hospital. Before leaving, one of the ambulance guys sprayed down our entire porch with any septic spray and then told us to hose and brush it off 10 minutes later.

    After he was gone and we calmed down, my wife told me all she heard him say was “help me Jesus” in English. We were very glad he came to our door; we were able to calm him down before the police arrived and get him the help he needed.

    What exciting things have happened to you this weekend?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      So my life is pretty dull now…..

      I am glad you guys were able to help the man. At the start of your story I was afraid for you both. But I see you guys kept your wits and worked as a team so well that the man actually got the help he needed. Some where out there is a person who is probably very embarrassed and very grateful all in the same stroke. I am always amazed at how people arise to the occasion to fill a need. Good call on that.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Absolutely nothing exciting, especially not by comparison. So glad the police were compassionate and that you could help him.

    4. Something Blue*

      Unless the animals on Rebecca’s cam start actually going to bars together, I think you “win” this weekend!

      I’m impressed you both were so calm and got him exactly what he needed.

    7. Thankful for AAM*

      Our excitement – we found out the recent, multiple small thefts in our HOA community are some new owners!!

      Early this am they were seen (and caught on our security cameras) taking plants from community plant beds. We did not know who they were tho.

      Police were called and when they drove into the community, we flagged them down only to be told they were responding to a different call. A homeowner’s ring camera caught 2 men taking decorative items from the front porch – they were her neighbors!

      Big surprise, the 2 men caught on the ring camera were the same 2 men caught on the community security camera.

      We told the police that there were other problems: one car had been broken into and decorative items had been removed from 3 other front yards.

      The 2 guys complained to the police, “so are we going to be looked at every time something goes missing?” The police officer told them that is exactly what is happening!

      We cannot believe that owners would do this!!

  126. Nassan*

    Any idea how can I support a friend? She’s in very early pregnancy and is having second thoughts. She’s been feeling bad (physically) and it triggered emotional anxiety. I didn’t have any of those issues with my pregnancy so I’m not sure what to do/say. I told her I support her however she decides (getting an abortion is possible and easy). I think she’s just worried because it’s a big change and because pregnancy so far was pretty bad, but that she does wish to have a child and she’s just scared. Any ideas?

    1. Vicky Austin*

      I would suggest that she talk to her OB-GYN and possibly a therapist or psychiatrist.

      1. Jdc*

        I agree. People don’t terminate pregnancies because they are difficult, they do so because they can’t raise or don’t want a child. She needs some professional help if she’s considering an abortion over normal difficult pregnancy symptoms.

        1. D3*

          Actually some do terminate because their pregnancy is difficult. Especially people experiencing hyperemesis gravidarium. Or people who unexpectedly find the symptoms are bringing up past trauma.
          There are lots of reasons people terminate, and saying “she needs professional help” because you don’t think that’s something people do is pretty harsh.

          1. RagingADHD*

            Hyperemesis is by definition not normal.

            It would be a shame to terminate an otherwise wanted child if appropriate support could help her navigate anxiety over *normal* symptoms.

            It isn’t helpful or respectful to act like the suggestion of professional help is an insult. Lots of people benefit from mental health support, particularly when trauma or anxiety threaten to derail important relationships and life goals!

            1. Julia*

              I think what D3 meant was that dismissing someone’s real hardships as “normal pregnancy” and suggested “she needs professional help” for feeling bad about something is not very considerate. I don’t think anyone on this site is anti-therapy, but there are ways to suggest it that don’t come across as “I think there’s something wrong with you because you’re not like me”.

              1. Nassan*

                Thank you all. Yeah, I think phisical issues were just a trigger for some deeper fears (ranging from ‘will I be a good mom’s to ‘is my life now over’). But you’re right, this is probably not uncommon so her doctor will be able to direct her to better resources.

              2. Jdc*

                Didn’t at all say that. I said if someone who wants children but is considering terminating due to normal difficult pregnancy symptoms I’d be worried about their mental health. I didn’t say anything was wrong with her just that she clearly needs someone to talk to and support. Aka. Therapy.

    2. Fikly*

      Don’t tell her what you think. Even if you’re right, and you have no way of knowing if you are, if she doesn’t know what her thoughts are, it’s the opposite of helpful to have someone tell her what she thinks.

      Encourage her to talk to you if she feels comfortable, or someone else that she does feel comfortable talking to. Ask her what kind of support from you she would like.

      1. Nassan*

        Thanks for this reminder, I’m sure quick to share my opinion and it’s not always what the person needs.

    3. JoBeth NotAmy*

      There are medications that can help if she’s having physical symptoms, especially hyperemesis, so a call to her ob/gyn would be my first recommendation. For what it’s worth my second pregnancy, which was very much planned and wanted, was plagued by awful physical symptoms and there were weeks when I really thought a termination was the only possible solution. I’m happy now that I didn’t, of course, but I don’t have fond memories of the pregnancy. It took a lot of therapy for me, both during and after, to manage it.

  127. Not A Girl Boss*

    How is everyone holding up on resisting doing outlandish things to their hair?

    I’ve gone and bought overtone “rose gold for brown hair” but haven’t pulled the trigger on it yet because I’m afraid it won’t ever really wash all the way out. Pink hair wouldn’t go over great at work but it would be fun for a month or so.

    Before this whole thing I was considering going for bangs, thank goodness I didn’t because it would be at peak annoying length right now and I am NOT qualified to cut them myself.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Ha! I’m the wrong person to ask because I’ve just cut about a foot off my hair! It looks… fine!

    2. Reba*

      I used that stuff. My hair is totally virgin, but long so the ends are naturally a bit lightened/worn down. The ends took the color a little more strongly but it did all wash out! Hope you have fun with it!

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        Yay! I normally dye my hair a natural copper/red, which means now 2 months in it’s dull and brassy. But I don’t want it to interact With the dye when (if??) I get to get it done again.

    4. Pharmgirl*

      I want to try that shade so badly! But my hair is black, maybe a dark, dark, brown in the light. So I’m not sure if it would work, and I’m not that adventurous. If you try it I would love to know how it turns out!

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        I stalked a ton of hashtag “rosegoldforbrownhair” posts on Instagram that I think will help. But I fear you’re correct, it might give it a pink cast in the sun but not much more. All the pictures where you can really see it are just people coloring over balayage or highlights they already had. Have dark roots but highlights so I think it’ll pop through for me.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          It’s not bravery. My hair grows like Cousin Itt chugging rogaine. Depending on how long things last, I’ll probably have plenty of time to practice.

          Also, you know, I can’t get uglier.

    6. Overeducated*

      I’m resisting. What i want is a pixie cut (my hair is shoulder length after a year of growing it out with frequent reshaping trims). What I can do at home is a 1″ buzz cut.

      I just keep reminding myself that I’m probably going to have to go back to work before the buzz could grow out long enough to look good on me. But if telework gets extended another month or two, what the hell, I’ll probably do it for kicks.

    7. Eng*

      I recently used overtone red for brown hair and two weeks later, it’s almost gone. Their whole thing is being semi-permanent so I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. If anything, if you actually want it staying for that month or two I hope you got the daily conditioner as well or it won’t make it that long.

  128. Vicky Austin*

    Is it stalker-y to google your high school teacher that you had a crush on, years later? Even if you have no intention of contacting them and are just curious to know what they are up to?

        1. Parenthetically*

          I dunno, I periodically check up on the college prof I had a crush on and the high school teacher I had a crush on, just to see what’s going on in their lives because I’m curious and I liked them as people and I wish them well. Same as how I just checked up on my prom date from junior year and found out that he’s a public health sex educator and a phenomenally profesh drag queen! Or how I periodically wonder about [guy I used to date/person I worked with at the mini-golf place/cute camp counselor/gregarious guy in my exchange student group] and google them. No biggie, IMO, as long as it isn’t an obsession.

          If it’s taking up a lot of your headspace and bothering you, that’s worth exploring. But other than that? Nah. Curiosity’s natural.

        3. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Then I’d say that you should think if there’s something missing in your life overall.

          1. Vicky Austin*

            There is, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now. Reminiscing about happy and exciting times in my life makes me feel better in this tough time.

  129. Elizabeth West*

    Has anyone besides me been watching the FX TV show What We Do in the Shadows? For those who don’t know, it’s a mockumentary following the lives of three ancient vampires who live in modern NYC. It’s based on a 2014 movie from Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi.

    I binged the first season on Hulu and season 2 just started. I loved the movie and the show is just so silly and weird and fun. And it has Matt Berry, whom I loved in The IT Crowd!

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      Loved the movie! We may have to drop Disney+ for a bit and pick up Hulu again — thanks for the tip!

    5. BeeJiddy*

      Here in NZ we also have another WWDITS spinoff called ‘Wellington Paranormal’. It has some of the same characters from the movie, plus Jermaine Clement does some of the writing and directing I think. It’s exceedingly Kiwi so probably not a universally enjoyable show, but if you liked WWDITS, there is a chance you’ll like it as well. You might need a VPN to watch it as it’s not on any international streaming services, but it’s available on our local TVNZ on Demand streaming app for free.

    6. I like turtles!*

      Yes! I’d had the movie on my to-watch list for a few years before I watched it, though. I love Taika Waititi’s movies – Boy, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, Thor Ragnarok, and so on, but horror movies stress me out a lot even if they’re supposed to be funny!

      I finally steeled myself for the movie and I loved it! And we’re watching the series too.

  130. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Pro tip of the day. When you’re known throughout the entire town to be a nasty b*tch (no joke), and your neighbor gets cameras because you’ve been so nasty to them, and then you have the gall to ask that the cameras be taken down…. maybe don’t then continue to be a nasty to your neighbor.

    Yes, I have one of THOSE neighbors. Sigh. No, the cameras aren’t going anywhere.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      My neighbors put a printed sign in their yard that said,
      beware they neighbor, hope they dont do unto you what they did to us.

      It was made in a printers shop, like the kind realtors put in your front yard.

      The police drove by and saw it and made them take it down.

      It was directed at us an another neighbor. They also left profanity laden messages on the other neighbor’s answer machine.

      What did we do? We did not lie when social services called us.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I confess, if I saw a sign like that, I’d think that the people who put it up were more worth bewaring than the people the sign was aimed at.

      2. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Well, I sued mine after they cut down 2 mature trees on my property without my knowledge or permission. And mine don’t have young children anymore, though I haven’t seen the grandkids around the past 6 months or so (and they used to be there 3-5 days a week). My guess is grandma is on time out because she’s unstable.

        They do not have my phone number or email address. And I’d like to keep it that way.

  131. Trixie*

    Looking for a while at an air fryer. I use my toaster oven regularly but air fryer looks like a turbo-charged toaster oven, especially the Cuisinart version. Using that for fish, chicken, veggies, etc. is tempting.

    1. BRR*

      I got a combination air fryer toaster oven recently and love it. I got the instant Omni plus. Essentially an air fryer is a turbo charged convection. They’re even starting to make full size ovens with air fryers which is amazing because doing stuff in small batches is a PITA.

    2. Not A Girl Boss*

      We love our toaster oven (a Cosori). They do everything a toaster oven or regular oven could, just much faster. And I like the crispiness it gives food. The trade-off is, they’re quite loud.
      I was going to get the Cuisinart toaster oven shaped one but it had a lot of negative reviews on Amazon, so I got the more traditional one, and ultimately I’m glad I did. The basket design works quite well for veggies and meat, which is basically all we really do in it now that the novelty has worn off some.
      Basically the new nightly ritual is chicken (or salmon or tofu) and broccoli (or Brussels sprouts or asparagus) right from the freezer into the air fryer. Then top with pesto or Alfredo or some such flavor agent. Boom, dinner is served.
      The downside is that ours is smaller and really only does one person’s worth of a full meal at once, so one serving of meat + veggies, or two servings of meat or two servings of veggies. The upside is that I’m a vegetarian so I do my meal separately anyway with a different protein option anyway.

    4. KoiFeeder*

      I’m very happy with my air fryer- I’m just afraid that I can’t give you the label, it’s worn off with use!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      My blind friend uses an air fryer because it’s safer for her than reaching over a stove for the controls. She went on and on about how much she loves it and how delicious it makes the food.

  132. Baking Soda*

    For those looking for baking soda, I found 12 (!) lb bag at Home Depot on the bottom shelf f the cleaning section – about $8 USD.

    I don’t bake, but we don’t have a disposal. The drain flies will overrun us if we don’t keep the drains cleaned out with apple cider vinegar & baking soda.

    It’s weird how my mind has started to think of alternative sourcing options.

  133. SovereignSF*

    I would love some cat-friendly furniture material recommendations from this group! We’d like to get a new couch (eventually), and we have two cats who love to very enthusiastically scratch furniture. We have scratching boards for them, but that doesn’t do the trick… all of our furniture that could possibly be shredded is completely shredded! I saw the nice velvet-looking chair (or ottoman?) in Alison’s photo, and I’ve heard that a high-performance velvet can be scratched up by cats, but it doesn’t really show. I’ve also heard the same about leather, but I think we’d prefer another material over leather.

Comments are closed.